Riffs from the Cutting Room Floorby GlimglamChapters02: Oh to be Old Again, Chapter 103: My Harshwhinnial [Part 1]Non-Canon: Applejack Is Full Of Squirrels01: Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward Date07: Making Muffins (with The_Silent_Hero47)02: Oh to be Old Again, Chapter 1TheAuthorGl1m0 (writing): “And… then… they… kissed…” Applejack: Uh… what are you writing? Gl1m0: NOTHING! (crams paper under desk) Just… never mind! Since when did I invite you back inside here, anyway? AJ: What, Ah’m not allowed to go where Ah please? Is that it? Gl1m0: N-no, I was just… AJ: And for the record pal, Ah was invited here. Gl1m0: By… who? Pinkie (on TV): Hi Applejack! Gl1m0: I should have guessed… So, what’s the deal here Pinkie? Are you gonna make us do another one of those stupid-- (The doors and windows all shut and lock.) Gl1m0: …of course. AJ: Well, honestly, I didn't have anything better to do today... so Pinkie asked me to do another story riff with you. Gl1m0: How sweet of her. But mark my words, she won't be having her way with me after this... Pinkie: I’ve got a real doozy of a story for you two today! It’s a story about a human waking up in Equestria as a pony-- Gl1m0: There are literally a million of those fics out there, you know. How is this any different? Pinkie: You didn’t let me finish! He wakes up in Equestria… but let’s just say that something is really unusual about it this time! AJ: Ah’m not sure if Ah really want to know… Gl1m0: Well, we’re probably bound to figure that out anyway. Pinkie: Soooo... Here it comes, fellas! "Oh to be Old Again"! AJ: I've never been one to judge a book by its cover, but... Gl1m0: I have a bad feeling about this. Have you ever woken up somewhere you don't recognize? Gl1m0: Well, there was this one time, at band camp-- AJ: Don’t… just don’t. I have, once before. There was a very strange party thrown together by my aunt, you see, and … actually, in the interest of not making half of my audience run away screaming, AJ: Wouldn’t really matter much pard, seeing as how we’re locked in here. Gl1m0: Speaking of which, I really need to figure out how to hack the door lock mechanism… let's just say I woke up with a massive headache and a rather upset wife. And the sheep, oh god the sheep. Gl1m0: “There was… wool… everywhere… It was so… fluffy…” This time was not all that different, discounting the screaming. And that blasted sheep. AJ: Ya just can’t trust those dang sheep sometimes. Headache? Check. Dry mouth? Check. Gl1m0: Reading a cheesy fanfic? AJ: Double check. Upset stomach? Check. Beeping? Uhm, that one is new. AJ: Somepony strapped a bomb to him! Quick, run! "That musta been one hell of a party," I groaned, trying to open my caked-shut eyes. Gl1m0: Pinkie, did you throw cake at the nice man’s face? He can’t even open his eyes! Pinkie (from TV): Of course not! …Wait, which party was this again? AJ: The one involving the sheep. Pinkie: Ohhhh… then yeah, I probably did. With a wince, I managed to open them only to slam them shut again with a strangely high pitched cry. Light, ever the bane of the hungover. Still rubbing my eyes, I heard a distinct clop-clop-clopping sound Gl1m0: Oh god no, nonononono please not a clopfic anything but a-- of something hard striking the floor. Gl1m0: …Oh. You meant clopping as in… hoofsteps? Ah, right… AJ: Yer sick, you know that? Gl1m0: You can’t blame me for arriving at that conclusion! I’ve seen some shit in my time… "Oh good, he's awake." AJ: “Now we can finally get started making cup—” Gl1m0: Please don’t drag Cupcakes into this… Squinting against the light, I could see a white blur approaching wherever I was laying. As it got closer, it became more defined and I couldn't help but feel my jaw almost dislocate from the shock. Now, I have to say right here and now: I am a Brony. Gl1m0: … (Facepalm) AJ: Ah, geez… It’s one of those kinds of stories, isn’t it? Pinkie (on TV): Just keep reading! I'm a bit on the 'old' side as Bronies go though not the oldest. Still, I hit the triple decade mark a bit ago so I guess that makes me one of the older ones of that fandom. Gl1m0: …Okay, I’m gonna go and try to hack that door now. (Gets up and walks away.) Pinkie (on TV): Oh, he’ll be back. And, as all old farts will tell you, I've seen a bit in my time. AJ: “Why, when Ah was yer age…” Never something that could prepare me for this though. (A loud ZAP is heard across the room.) “AAAAAAAAAGGGH!” AJ: What in tarnation… Pinkie (giggling): He’ll be fine. "Pony?" AJ: “Human?” The white-coated and pink-maned mare in front of me nodded at my squeak with an ever present smile on her face. AJ: Well, Ah guess that—huh? (Gl1m0 walks back and takes a seat. His body is slightly singed.) AJ: What the hay happened to you? Gl1m0: Pinkie’s godlike failsafe systems. That’s what happened. Pinkie (on TV): Hey, you kinda smell like turkey bacon now! Gl1m0: …*Shut up.* As I stared at her Gl1m0: -plot. (Gets slapped by AJ) OW! , I noticed things that - at the time - seemed so odd. Their pelts, for example, are like real pelts. AJ: Well… duh. What else would they be? Each hair is separate and real. And they're not all one color, the fur itself has shade. Depth. Gl1m0: (Looks at AJ) …Huh, whaddaya know, he’s right… Each hair of the mane flowed like a human hair would, Gl1m0: (While running hand through AJ’s mane) …Hmmm... AJ: Uh… can Ah help you? though my present example had her hair in a bun under her nurses hat. It was so real. She was alive. AJ: Where the alternative was bein’ dead, and that ain’t no fun. Yet, something was definitely 'off' about her. Her head was large. Gl1m0: Well, you know what they say about having a swelled head. (Gets slapped again.) OUCH! H-hey! I wasn’t talking about you, AJ! AJ: That wasn’t me… Gl1m0: Then who-- Trixie: The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have a “swelled head”! Her cranium is perfectly and powerfully proportioned, Trixie will have you know! Gl1m0: T-Trixie?! How did you even get in here— (Trixie teleports out again.) —when the doors… are… locked… what the… Pinkie (from TV): Kinda forgot to mention… the locks can’t stop a unicorn teleporting in or out just yet. I kinda still need to fix that glitch. Gl1m0: …So… during our last riff… we could have just had Twilight teleport us out at any given time. SON OF A… Pinkie: Look! More story! Yes that was what they were in the show but to see it in reality threw every pony right into the Uncanny Valley. AJ: Must be quite a fall down there… Her eyes. Massive didn't even begin to describe them. 'Ginormous' fit I guess. I couldn't even think of them as orbs in any sense of the word. Gl1m0: Really? They don’t seem so… (Looks at AJ again.) …Oh. AJ: What are ya starin’ at me for? Gl1m0: …Your eyes actually are pretty huge, when you think about it… AJ: Ah beg yer pardon?! Man, ponies are hella creepy when you think about it. Gl1m0: Hate to admit it, but they kinda do… (Gets slapped again by AJ.) AGH! This is what I get for being *honest?!* I must have been staring at her with the most confused expression ever because she seemed to have noticed. She gave me a big, warm smile AJ: It was gift-wrapped and everything! at least it would have been warm had it not been given by some Lovecraftian horror. Gl1m0: inb4 Cthulu is canon. I rapidly shifted my eyes away from her face, taking in my spartan surroundings. A hospital room painted a very light shade of blue, curtains drawn open to let in the full blast of that most hated of objects, the sun. Gl1m0: Boogie Man: The Early Years. The heart monitor beeping its little mechanical heart out next to me explained the noise that woke me up, at least. An IV seemed to be stuck in one of my … legs. AJ: Fer lack of a better word, apparently. Other than that, a way-too-human chair and a small tray filled with medical detritus the room was pretty dang empty. And it smelled of 'sanitation.' AJ: An’ sanitation smells like…? Gl1m0: Based on my experience, blood, soap, and three-week-old piss. AJ: So… not sanitation? "Yup, you're safe here now, little one. Do you know where you are?" Gl1m0: “It’s Hell, right?” It, er, she was still giving me that creepy smile. I'm going to call it warm for now. Yeah, we'll go with warm. At my way-too-energetic head shake, her smile just grew wider. Shudder. Gl1m0: “I NEED AN ADULT!” AJ: She is an adult. Gl1m0: “I NEED A CAN OF PEPPER SPRAY!” "Well, you're in Ponyville General Hospital after a group of foals found you at the edge of Whitetail Woods. Gl1m0: Great, even the method of arrival is the same. “Found unconscious by the edge of a forest.” Well, at least it wasn’t in the Everfree this time. Can you tell me what happened?" Suddenly, something clicked in my head. AJ: Somepony finally found the light switch. Gl1m0: Good, it was getting dark in there! What, with the lack of imagination and all. "Little one?" Gl1m0: “Little”… Uh oh, I think I figured out where this story is going now. Pinkie (on TV): Shh! Don’t spoil it! I knew for a fact my voice sounded really squeaky and I probably sounded like an absolute idiot All: “*Probably”?* but at the time I was a bit preoccupied. I looked down at my hands WHERE DID MY HANDS GO?! Gl1m0: Hm, did you leave them in your other pants? AJ: (Gives him a strange look.) Gl1m0: …What? It happens more often than you may think. Why no hands? Why is the hands gone? Instead of hands, two stumpy light blue things stared back at me. Gl1m0: They stared back? Damn that is creepy. Metaphorically, of course. Having eyes down there would be weird. AJ: You can have ‘em on your face, on your back, on your stomach, and even on yer legs… but eyes on yer arms? Nope, that’s weird. I think I was beginning to hyperventilate and I looked back up at the nurse with the tears forming in my eyes. I think it was shock. Gl1m0: “Or it could have been the drugs. Lots of drugs.” I started to mouth the word 'hands' over and over again in some vain hope that I could summon them by the power of repetition and hope. AJ: Ah wouldn’t get yer hopes up; you ain’t Starswirl the Bearded, kid. Gl1m0: He could always just go and see Lyra. I bet she’d hook him up with a pair. The nurse - whose 'cutie mark' seemed to be a Swiss Cross for some reason - blinked slightly at me. Gl1m0: “Slightly” blinked? So… it was a half-blink? Is she… giving him the bedroom eyes?! Ew, dude, that is *messed up!* I didn't even want to try to imagine the mathematics behind that particular physical feat. Gl1m0: Well, let’s try it, shall we? Let’s see… (pulls out notebook) If we were to take the vertical diameter of the eye, which is — (looks at AJ) — roughly six inches (AJ: Hey!) and then account for the fact that the eyelid is never present except during the process of blinking or maintaining an eye expression… so we divide this… multiply it by the… add, and subtract… and… Ah! I have it! Logically—and mathematics can support it—their eyelids exist in a quantum “pocket space”, only appearing when it needs to be and being virtually invisible otherwise! AJ: …what. Seriously, where are their eyelids?! Gl1m0: …I JUST TOLD YOU! (throws notebook at screen) GO FIND YOUR OWN MATHEMATICIAN, STORY! Ugh, I cannot work like this! "Well, I'm sorry. I, well, yes. You're a little colt. Pinkie (from TV): DUN, DUN, *DUUUUN!* AJ & Gl1m0: Eh, saw it coming. Pinkie: …You’re no fun. Do, do you remember your name?" Her concerned look did not dissuade me from responding as I feel any sane man would at that particular bit of news. Gl1m0: Scream and run around in circles? AJ: Call the cops? Pinkie (from TV): Go insane and slaughter everyone in sight with a hacksaw? AJ & Gl1m0: (Stare at Pinkie in horror.) Pinkie (from TV): …What? I don't think she expected Gl1m0: “-that I was actually a ninja. She was dead before she hit the ground.” the torrent of filthy language that left my very small muzzle at that point in time. AJ: When’s the last time you had that language cleaned, mister? "Now then, Mr. Dirtymouth, what do we say?" Both: … Gl1m0: Um… “More please”? "Ach, ptew. Stuff it! Oh no GHGHGBLGUBLGLUBGLUB ptew, ptew!" AJ: Er… Need some context, please… Because right now, Ah’m havin’ a really bad mental image… Gl1m0: Now who’s the sick one? Soap has never been my favored flavor Gl1m0: “It was only my fourth or fifth favorite, really.” but whatever they put in hospital soap sure as hell makes it taste nastier than regular stuff. Also, Earth Ponies are STRONG. AJ: Eh, that ain’t news to me. Gl1m0: (rubs still-sore cheek) I can attest to that… I was currently being lifted by the scruff of my neck and held over a hospital bathroom sink as this pony nurse tried to 'scrub out all those nasty dirty words,' as she put it. Gl1m0: Oh, good! Context. Not that this is any less bizarre and somewhat abusive, but still, context! AJ: Now if only Ah can do the same thing with chatterboxes… Gl1m0: Uh… *gulps* She was also holding my bag of IV fluid above her head and had been pumping soap into my forced open muzzle with her own mouth for a good five minutes. AJ: So, wait… she was spittin’ soap into his mouth?! Gl1m0: Ewwwgh… Seriously, who knew ponies had the same curse words as humans? Or the same language, for that matter. Gl1m0: Um, excuse me? English and Equish are NOT the same language. They just... happen to have remarkably similar dialects, which I'm not quite ready to label off as a coincidence just yet... Regardless, with me having swallowed a metric ton of that foul stuff (on an empty stomach and with a very dry throat), I figured it was time to play nice with the twice-my-size-could-probably-cave-my-head-in mare that I had inadvertently - and after this had begun, purposefully - royally pissed off. Gl1m0: “In retrospect, I should never have called her a ‘bug-eyed hippopotamus’ to begin with.” "Ok, uncle! Uncle! I give!" Thrashing about in her biologically improbable strong grip seemed to get my point across more than the foaming and spitting attempt at language and I was dropped on my rump with absolutely no dignity. Gl1m0: Ponyville Hospital only cares for the utmost in care and wellbeing for its patients, and men-turned-foals are no different. AJ: Best medical center in Equestria. It's the little things, ya know? I'm guessing she didn't want me yanking out the needle burrowed into the crook of my, uh, leg. AJ: ...Yep, Ah'm just gonna take his word for it. Her managing three things at once while yelling at me and keeping me under some semblance of control was just another quirk of biology that I just did not want to try to wrap my head around. Gl1m0: The Amazing Spider-Nurse, everybody! Hey biologists? You think a fly flying is something really hard to figure out? Try figuring out how to hold things with HOOVES. AJ: Well, sugarcube? You wanna shed some light on this conundrum then? Gl1m0: …What? First of all, I offered to be its mathematician, not biologist. And don’t say “there ain’t a difference” because there is. And second, I already offered to help the story, but apparently it didn’t wanna go for that! (pouts) Stupid, stuck-up, stupidface story… AJ: Forget I asked… "What do we say?" The angry eyeball she was giving me caused me to shiver slightly. The horror … In response to the monstrosity before me, I laid my ears back and hiccoughed a bubble. AJ: “Hiccoughed”… Is that actually a word? Gl1m0: (scribbles in a dictionary with a pen) Well, it is *now!* AJ: Say, ain’t that Twilight’s dictionary? When’d you get that? Gl1m0: She left it behind during the last riff, when she ran off. Finders keepers! Yeah, I was really heaping on the sad puppy dog eyes as best I could. As long as they thought I was a foal, I'd resort to foal tricks. Though, let's be honest, I was probably just reacting to the Unnamable Thing in front of me. "I, I don't know miss. I'm sorry?" I must have had a bigger effect on her than I thought because the next thing I knew, I was being hugged very hard. Gl1m0: “I will love him and squeeze him and then I will call him George.” AJ: Speakin’ of which, Ah don’t think our “hero” even told his name yet… Did I mention Earth Ponies are strong? Yeah. That earned her a few bubbles in the mane. Gl1m0: *gasp* Derpy got stuck in her mane! Quick, somepony get her outta there! She didn't seem to mind. With a gasping breath, I caught a wiff of her scent … AJ: This ain’t no time to be playing wiffle ball with that mare’s scent, lil’ colt! she smelled like a clean horse. They do not smell like vanilla, lavender, or any of that other crazy stuff. Just horse. Clean, but horse. Gl1m0: Hmm, Applejack? Do you really smell like apples? Like all the fanfics say? Do you mind if I-- AJ: If you even try it, you’re gettin’ yer teeth bucked in. Gl1m0: …never mind, then. "I'm so sorry, little one. Gl1m0: “I’m so, SO sorry. Because you know what happens next.” But we can't have a young colt like you growing up thinking it's ok to use that language." After a minute of me trying very hard to breathe properly, she set me down - gently this time - and smiled at me. "Let's get back to what we were doing before, hmm?" AJ: Uh oh, stranger danger! Stranger danger! Gl1m0: *Get out of there, man!!* I nodded, looking purposefully down at the ground. That face. AJ: That grammar. And hey, you gotta use the tools you're given, though, am I right? I thought that if I looked dejected enough, she'd go easy on me. Gl1m0: Hmm… (turns towards the TV and does his best “puppy-dog” face) AJ: …the hay’re you doing? Pinkie (from TV): Awww, Glowy! You look so dejected and sad, and stuff! That’s so cute! Gl1m0: (still doing the face) Does that mean we can be let out early? Pinkie (from TV): Hmm… nah. Gl1m0: Fuck. Well, it was worth a try… Guilt, one of the few things a kid can do really well. AJ: If they can shame you into buyin' them a cookie, just imagine what other powers they must have... Gl1m0: That sounds like it's coming from experience. AJ: Please, don't ask... She led me back into the hospital room and helped me up onto the bed again. Gl1m0: "...So, you were saying something about gettin' it--" AJ: (slaps Gl1m0) Hey! No foalcon! Bad, bad! I stumbled a bit, of course. Having suddenly double the legs and the coordination of a child would have done that. Gl1m0: Oh, can't forget about those drugs, too. Those things are trippin'. Not that she knew any of that as she was looking very concerned by that point. Where was that concern when she was pumping my poor aching stomach full of antibacterial soap? AJ: On vacation in Prance, most likely. Gl1m0: I hear it's nice this time of year. I had half a mind to vomit but I don't think that would help with the taste. Having settled into the bed as best I could, I then lost all faith in the pony race. Gl1m0: Coming from a supposed brony, that’s gotta sting. AJ: Hey! Pony races are great exercise, and they’re fun too! Even if Ah did lose that one time… Gl1m0: No, he meant… never mind. Poked, prodded, PROBED. Do they really not know of oral thermometers or was this some sort of revenge of hers? And, of course, we were both nude. AJ: Oh… oh golly… (blushes) Gl1m0: MUST… ERASE… MENTAL... PICTURES! Yeah, the last of my dignity was lost that day. AJ: “So Ah put an ad in the newspaper, offerin’ a reward if it was found.” I had a fetish, at one point in time. Gl1m0: Oh god no. It's gone now. Both: Phew. Thanks creepy Nurse! Gl1m0: Indeed, for you have potentially saved all of Equestria from a rampant foalified brony with a pony fetish. AJ: Are a lot of those humans really like that? Gl1m0: Well, a not-so-precious few are. Some obsess over it, and others keep it quite well hidden and under wraps. Others… well, they make fanfics. AJ: That’s not a comfortin’ thought… Though, Ah have seen more than a few stories with Author and Prime… Gl1m0: On that note, if this story did have clop in it… wouldn’t it technically count as foalcon? (Both shudder.) And all through this, she was peppering me with questions. AJ: “Are you now, or have you ever been, a supporter of the NLR?” Gl1m0: “How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?” "Do you remember your name?" Evidently, Bruce is not a very 'pony' name. Gl1m0: Ah, our nameless protagonist has a name after all! Good. Now I finally have something to base all of my name-related puns off of. Now, if only I could think of a name pun involving “Bruce”… Um... truce... flew... obtuse... eh... Ugh. Damn it story, why you no set up good puns?! "Who are your parents?" Neither are 'Edward' nor 'Clarice.' "Your school?" 'Polytechnic' anything just got a chuckle. Gl1m0: Pfft, of course! Everyone knows that university is for wussies. Obviously missing was AJ: -the part where this story began to make sense. 'profession,' 'address,' and 'I hoped you liked dinner before I violated you.' Both: What*.* Again, thanks Nurse. "Well, you rest up a bit, uhm, 'Bruce.' I'll go get the doctor." AJ: “Because you are clearly out of yer mind.” She patted my head, though I tried to keep her at a good arm's, er, leg's length away. Besides, I had just been stuffed full of semi-poisonous soap water, Gl1m0: Face it Bruce, if it were semi-poisonous, you’d already be dead. But, we’re both too unlucky for that to be true… AJ: Never hurts to dream, though. poked with half a dozen needles and had the last shred of my male dignity destroyed in front of my eyes all perpetrated by an Elder One of aeons past. Gl1m0: …I shall resist the urge to make a joke involving Cthulu and tentacles. AJ: Eugh, thanks fer the image… And to think I once thought ponies potentially 'hot.' I was not in a touchy mood. AJ: Good thing too; if he starts “touching” things then Ah’m gone, whether Pinkie says so or not. Gl1m0: Take me with you? AJ: Ah’ll think about it. "Can I have a glass of water at least?" Gl1m0: "No." With my fresh glass of clean, pure, un-suddsy water in my hooves, somehow, I awaited the doctor with bated and bubbly breath. Gl1m0: “And then he would whisk me away in the TARDIS, and we’d have all kinds of fun and amazing adventures through time and space. And stuff. The End.” Okay, that’s it. I’m done. Can we go now? Pinkie (from TV): No, silly! There’re a lot more chapters where this came from! Gl1m0: …How much is, “a lot more”? Pinkie: Hmmm… Like, maybe thirty-ish. Or more. Gl1m0: *Damn it!* AJ: Ah knew it was too good to be true… Gl1m0: You know what, Pinkie? How about NO. I’m not going to do the same stuff you get away with pulling on those other poor souls. Not this guy, no sir. Pinkie: Oh, silly Glowy! You say that as if you were even in control of what happens here. I’m the cute mare with the button… and you’re not, so ha ha! AJ: Pinkie, ya known you’re my best friend when Ah say this, but you’ve been acting like a real mule lately. Gl1m0: And by that, she means you’re a jackass. Pinkie: Well, that's not a very nice thing to say! Besides, you both know that this is all just for fun! Gl1m0: ...fun. Uh-huh. I'm sorry to disappoint you Pinkie, but I will NOT be a part of this anymore. You can't convince me otherwise. Pinkie: Oh, reeeeally~? Then go ahead and leave... if you can. Gl1m0: I will, in fact. AJ: Uh, sugarcube... the door and windows are locked, in case ya haven't noticed... Pinkie: Heehee, that's right! Sorry Glowy, but ya gotta stay until you're done! Them's the rules! Gl1m0: Oh, I'm sorry. Who said anything about me using the *doors?* (Suddenly, right on cue, the ground begins to tremble and shake.) AJ: W-wh-what in t-t-tarnation is goin' on?! Gl1m0: Good, right on cue! I almost expected her not to make it so soon... AJ: W-who?! Why's the g-ground s-sh-shakin'?! (With a loud crash, a massive tube-like pod with a huge drill mounted on top rips up through the floorboards, and a door on the side of the construct slides open.) Gl1m0: That's why! So unless you feel like continuing on reading this... (Runs inside the tube.) ...then come with me, if you want to live! God, I've always wanted to say that... AJ: Oh, horseradish... What am I gettin' mahself into...? (Without much thought, she follows him inside the machine, and the doors close behind her. With a lurch, the drill capsule sinks back into the earth back to whence it came from, leaving behind a very beleaguered pink mare...) Pinkie: You... you think you can just run away, Glowy?! And you too, Applejack?! I'll... I'll find you both! I can Pinkie Promise you that... 03: My Harshwhinnial [Part 1][[In a secluded chamber, deep below the earth, a cylindrical pod descends from an opening in the ceiling. The doors of the pod open, and both Gl1m0 and Applejack step out, looking quite dazed.]] TheAuthorGl1m0: Ow... God, I need to install some proper shocks in that thing... Applejack: An' what the hay happened with that bright flash, 'n stuff? Mah head still hurts... Gl1m0: Ugh, mine too... It's a bit of a blur, but... I think there were... kinky squirrels involved... AJ: Ah don't like squirrels. Gl1m0: Don't go telling that to Fluttershy. Anyway... here we are, I guess. The CRF. (mumbles) *Huh, it's a bit cleaner than I remember leaving it...* AJ: The CR...wha? Where are we even-- [[All of a sudden, a lavender-colored mare wearing a beanie-cap bursts out of a nearby ventilation grate, leaping towards Gl1m0.]] ???: *Glowyyyy!* Gl1m0: What the fu--(Is glomped by the mystery mare and falls to the floor)--GUH! GET OFF! AJ: What in tarnation...!? Gl1m0: Ugh... Screwball, WHAT have I told you about surprising me like this? Screwball: I know, but it's so much fun! Whaddaya expect me to do, NOT do it? Gl1m0: That's what I was hoping at least... (shoves Screwball off of him and stands up) ...Now that all of that mess is out of the way... Screwball, give me a status report. Screwball: Lesse... Processing rates are holding steady at 21 scribes-per-minute, core temperature is 201 degrees cell-see-us... and I brought another little pony aboard. Gl1m0: Alright, that sounds... wait. What do you MEAN that you brought another pony aboard?! Have you finally lost what’s left of your mind?! Screwball: Chill out Glowy, it’s okee-day! I mean, come on, YOU brought along somepony too! We’re totally even, and you know it! Gl1m0: I-it was a courtesy, okay?! We wouldn't have lasted much longer up there! AJ: Alright mister, are you gonna start explaining yerself anytime soon? What the hay IS this place? Who is this crazy pony? And how come Ah’ve never heard of any o’ this before?! Gl1m0: Slow down, I’m a bit busy right now! Just relax for a second! AJ: (grumbles with resignation) Gl1m0: Good. Anyway… (turns back to Screwball) …where is he? Or her? Please tell me they aren't near the Vault… Screwball: I said chill! Lucy is keeping her in check, so she won’t try to run amok or anything. Gl1m0: …good enough, I guess. We’ll deal with that situation later. Now then, AJ, as for your questions… Actually, I think I’ll just let these expository paragraphs describe it all for you. I knew they’d come in handy someday. Deep below the surface of Equestria, far beyond the reach of most living beings, is a secret mobile facility, tunneling its way underhoof the many ponies miles above. Known only as the Cutting Room Floor, it is a machine dedicated to one thing, and one thing only: Rejects. The bits of narrative that don’t make the cut, the tales of woeful incompetence that are burned in piles, the articles that get turned away from the Equestria Daily newspaper in Canterlot; all of these are processed by those that crew the CRF, and archived away in their infinite database to lie in obscurity… Usually secluded from the rest of Equestria by a comfortable two miles of rocky separation, the crew busily go about their tasks with sorting away the trash for the Archives. Having nothing else better to do, these brave individuals seek to better the land of Equestria—by eliminating the menace known as terrible writing. At least, that’s what their supposed intention is meant to be; that doesn’t mean they do a good job of it at all, or even stick to that one task for more than a minute. Gl1m0: …Okay, we could have done without that last sentence, but in a nutshell, that’s us. This pony here? She’s Screwball. We've been, shall we say, “partners” in this escapade of ours… you know, breaking down rejects, driving, attempted cooking, and the occasional coffee run. Screwball: Hiya! Say, does that hat take ten gallons? Or twelve? (starts giggling like mad) AJ: Wha… *Hey!* Gl1m0: Sorry, she thinks that she’s “funny”. That remains to be seen, however. Screwball: HEY! No fair! I'm WAY funnier than you! Gl1m0: Suuuuuure. Anyway, the reason no one knows about us? We’re a top-secret organization; the best kept one in Equestria. Not even the princesses know about us. AJ: But… why? Why all this? (Looks around the room) This place is *huge…* Gl1m0: We intercept and store all facsimiles of improper writing, and hide it away from the world’s eye. Unsurprisingly, plenty of stuff still manages to get by us, so it’s not like we’re perfect… It would seem that Pinkie, of all ponies, manages to get a hold of these poor writings a lot quicker than we can at times… AJ: Unreal… And this place… it’s… movin’? Gl1m0: Yes. The CRF is always mobile, and our travel plan is never fixed or set in advance; it makes it harder for others to track us. AJ: Then… how come you were on the surface, in that house, writin’ stuff? Gl1m0: (Sighs.) I was supposed to be on a vacation, of sorts… Reality had other plans, though. I knew that Pinkie was acting all strange and making you and others read horrible fanfics for childish amusement… but, I guess I never counted on being subjected to those myself. And lo, after realizing my vacation was fairly pointless to begin with, I decided to come back here. You just happened to be dragged along for the ride. Screwball: Wow, you totally got burned on that deal, Glowy. Gl1m0: Unfortunately, yes… Well, duty calls, I suppose. Where were the others, again? Screwball: The, uh… the room with the really long, funny name. Gl1m0: …You mean, “Processing Room”? Screwball: Yeah, that one! Gl1m0: …Right. Anyway, Applejack, you can sit tight and relax for a bit here. We’ll arrange to drop you off somewhere on the surface in due time. AJ: Uh… thanks, sugarcube. [[With that, both Gl1m0 and Screwball leave the room without another word.]] ~The CRF: Processing Room~ Screwball: So, here she is! Good girl keeping an eye on her, Lucy! Screwloose: Bark, bark! Gl1m0: Okay, so who’s the pony you dragged aboard this ti… WHAT THE—YOU FOALNAPPED *SCOOTALOO?!* Screwball: But she’s so cute! And she was just, you know, there! And not doing anything! Scootaloo: I was WAITING for my friends to show up, you weirdo! The next thing I know, YOU pop out of the ground and grab me! Screwball: I prefer to think of it as an “aggressive embrace”. Scootaloo: You guys are in BIG trouble when Rainbow Dash gets here—she’s gonna kick your flanks back to last Tuesday! Screwloose: Grrrrrr…. Screwball: Oh yeah?! I’d like to see her *try!*** Scootaloo: Rainbow Dash won't just "try"! She’ll wipe the floor with you! Screwball: SHE’LL WIPE THE MUD OFF HER FACE AFTER I KICK SOME ONTO IT! Scootaloo: OH YEAH?! Screwball: YEAH!! Gl1m0: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (Awkward silence follows.) …Scootaloo, just relax. Everything’s gonna be fine, okay? We’ll take you back to the surface as soon as we-- [[All of a sudden, a siren goes off and green lights begin to flash around the room.]] Gl1m0: —get back… Ah, damn it. Looks like we’ll have to put that plan on hold for the moment. Scootaloo: Why? What’s going on? [[One by one, the doors begin to shut and lock. Just before the last one closes, Applejack is suddenly and unceremoniously shoved inside the room by an unseen force.]] AJ: Oww… What in tarnation is goin’ on in here—Scootaloo?! How the heck did YOU get down here? Scootaloo: Long story… Gl1m0: Uh… might be a bad time to mention, but uh… At set times throughout the day, in order to make sure the writings get properly processed and archived… we have to do the breakdown process for at least one of these manually, per day. AJ: Like… how? Gl1m0: In a nutshell? What Pinkie was making us do on the surface. And now you see the reason for my attempted vacation... AJ: What?! …Ugh, talk about outta the fryin’ pan and into the fire… Scootaloo: So… you’re kinda like Author, then? And that Fallen Prime guy? Gl1m0: I… suppose so? Scootaloo: Really?! Awesome! I’m a PRO at this “riffing” stuff! Gl1m0: …well, we refer to it as "breaking down the fic for safe storage", but... seriously? Scootaloo: Yeah! I mean, I haven’t gotten a cutie mark for it yet, but maybe I just have to become a master at it, first! Gl1m0: Uh… sure. Whatever floats your boat… so, Screwball, what’s on the queue? Screwball: Let’s see… Ooh! This one is interesting! It’s called… “My Harshwhinnial?” That’s a weirdy name. Let’s bring it up! [[In the center of the room, a large monitor descends from above while four seats rise from the floor. They are filled rather quickly.]] Screwball: Sorry Lucy, you’ll have to sit on the floor this time. Screwloose: (whines) [[The monitor turns on, showing them all the fanfic to be processed. Everyone cringes slightly.]] Gl1m0: Now, I’ve learned never to judge a book by its cover, but in this line of work it’s almost impossible to have good impressions in the first place. In this case, not when the cover art pony looks like some kind of reject from Generation 3… Screwball: Why does it even have UPVOTES? Usually the stuff we get is way in the red! Gl1m0: Obviously, the standard of quality on the surface is becoming so bad, many people are just choosing to accept it. It’s sad, really. Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: No, you can’t have a potty break. Screwloose: (whines) AJ: Aw, horsefeathers… this is gonna be painful, isn’t it? Scootaloo: Hey, I’ve read Rainbow Factory! This can’t be any worse, can it? Screwball: WE SHALL SEE, LITTLE MOTH! Gl1m0: Initialize the breakdown sequence! Chapter 1. Screwball: “The Day The Grammar Died.” (AN: HAY MURDERATORS: Gl1m0: That’s a rather serious accusation towards the mods, don’t you think? Screwball: They screw us, so we screw them right back! No harm done. AJ: An’ why’s he shoutin’? We’re indoors… arthurs note DOES GOES HERE plz see ORIGANAL FIC based off kthx) Scootaloo: Who’s Arthur? And where’s the note? Gl1m0: It’s buried in a sea of no caps and all caps. aslo happy March 32nd kk?) Screwball: Oooh, that’s my favorite day! I wish it was March 32nd all year long. (AN: Spescial broo hoves 2 Baxle 4 fixng alll teh spelling erras) AJ: An’ with that, Ah think it’s safe to say that we’re in fer a ride. Gl1m0: Oh god, I actually regret skipping out on that HiE story with Pinkie, now… Hi my name is Medal Pector'al Biathlon Lula Whinny Scootaloo: I don’t think that’s a legal name. Screwball: Quick, somepony sue him! and I'm a 12-time Junior equestrian Games meddlist (that's how I got my name) with golds in throwing things Gl1m0: He’s got quite an arm. and golds in galloping and golds in sportsmareship AJ: Like that time he pushed all o’ her racin’ buddies into that gorge? Yep, real sportscolt-like conduct, there. with a mane that reaches my mid-back Screwball: Pfft. Get a haircut, hippie. and icy purple eyes like limpid sweaters Scootaloo: So icy, he couldn’t even move them around. Gl1m0: And as a result, he is forever doomed to look like a Hasbro figurine. AJ: Also… “limpid sweaters”? Really? Screwball: They’re in style this season! and a lot of ponies tell me I look like my dad Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade Gl1m0: Ah, Mr. Nightblade. Apparently, he’s a pretty decent interior decorator. Screwloose: Bark? Gl1m0: No, Lucy. We can’t hire him to build you a fancy sandbox. Use the bathroom like a proper mare, for god’s sake… (AN: but if u think he's cooler than my mom get da hell out of here!?)., Scootaloo: Okay, jeez! Talk about grouchy… AJ: Don’t sweat it, Scoots. He’s jus’ mad about having a bad OC for his pa. I'm not related to Trixie Lulamoon and I'm glad because she's major bucking adopted. Gl1m0: Strangely specific denial, there… Scootaloo: …… AJ: …… (Slowly pulls Scootaloo into a hug.) I'm an inspector but they still let me compete in the games. Gl1m0: Okay, I just know that violates a few rules. Screwball: Inspectors get all the fun… Screwloose: Bark, bark! Screwball: I know, right? They’re such jerks. I have muscles. Gl1m0: Uh-huh. Do you even lift? I'm also Miss Lovingcup Harshwhinnny's colt, and I live w/ith her for the last seventeen years (I'm sixteen). Gl1m0: I… actually, that’s technically correct. Assuming that we factor in the nine months before he was actually born, of course… AJ: Ah was more concerned ‘bout the fact he’s an obvious Gary Stu regardless, but yeah, Ah see your point. Screwball: What, no mention of the lack of past tense? You’re slipping again, Glowy. Gl1m0: I-I didn’t forget, I was preoccupied, okay?! I'm a jock (in case u couldn't tell) All: We *could.* Scootaloo: But we just didn't care. and I wear mostly sweat and awesome. Gl1m0: It’s possible to wear awesome? Rainbow Dash would get a kick out of that. Scootaloo: Totally! I love gOlds' Gym and I train all my there. For example today I did 50 wife throws with target wedding ring toss, Screwball: Beating out Shining Armor by almost 49 points. The poor sap didn’t even have a chance, what, with only having one wife and all. jumped 30 sharks (blue and bala and greate white), stole 40 cakes, Scootaloo: He stole forty cakes? AJ: That’s as many as four tens! Gl1m0: And that’s terrible. and shot a biathlete. Gl1m0: He was a threat to his Gary Stu-ness, and had to be put down. I was in the showers after. It was raining outside but also inside until I turned off the weather. Scootaloo: But he’s not even a pegasus! Screwball: Nope! He's an *alicorn!* Gl1m0: Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE. AJ: *Hey! Mind yer language, sugarcube! There's a foal present!* Gl1m0: *Huh? ...Oh, dammit! Sorry!* A lot of earth ponies stared at me. I magicked a middle finger at them. All except Gl1m0: What’s a “finger”? Gl1m0: Ah, it’s times like this that I really don’t miss human society. Screwloose: Bark? Gl1m0: No, dogs don’t count. "Hey Meddle!" shoulted a voice. I looked up. It was… Scootaloo: A bird! Screwball: A bagel! Gl1m0: An Anti-Stu Missile! Princess Twilicorn! Gl1m0: Oh hello generic Stu love interest. Screwball: And goodbye, broken fandom. "What's up Sparkles?" I asked. Gl1m0: The ceiling! …I’m sorry. AJ: (smacks Gl1m0) That’s two, sugarcube. "Nothing." She said blushing. Screwball: Well, it is a pretty hot day out. Gl1m0: High nineties, man. With any luck, they’ll melt before long. But then, I heard my coach who was also my mom call me and I had to go away. AJ: Not fer long apparently, ‘cause there’s more chapters. Screwball: Each more wonderfully painful than the last! AJ: …You remind me too much of Pinkie. Screwball: Oh, Pinkie? We go way back. She stopped returning my calls though, but that’s only ‘cuz I maxed out her phone service card. Whoopsie! Gl1m0: And that’s the reason why I’ve put Screwball here on a METERED connection plan from here on out. She has a habit of shooting her mouth off… Screwball: What? That’s not shooting my mouth off! (Draws a cartoonishly-proportioned shotgun and shoots herself in the face. Her mouth is, somehow, blown away and sticks to the wall.) That’s shooting my mouth off! Scootaloo: How… how did you even…? Gl1m0: Ugh… Screwball, put your piehole back where it belongs; we still have another chapter to do. Chapetr 2: Gl1m0: “The Retrun of the Mipselld Wrods.” (AN: this is an author's note ok) AJ: Of course, thanks fer lettin’ us know. Screwball: Wasn’t that nice of him? The next day I woke up from being asleep. Gl1m0: -with the hangover from Hell. It was sunny so I made it rain on earth ponies. I got up off my exercise mat & drank a bottle of taurine and harsh training. Gl1m0: Meh, I prefer my bottle of taurine and training light; 'harsh' is way too salty for my tastes. Scootaloo: "In stores now, while supplies last!" My mat was lined with my Meddles Screwball: Looks like our hero was abusin' the mirror pool, methinks. AJ: He obviously couldn't get enough o' himself, so he made more. Many more. Gl1m0: And then they all fu...made lovely woohoo time. The End. Scootaloo: "Woohoo time"? What's that like? Gl1m0: Er... I am contractually obliged not to inform you of that until you are at least the legal age of consent. Scootaloo: ...Habbla-what-now? AJ: WAIT 'TIL YOU'RE OLDER, sugarcube. and decorated with stallionly blue medicine balls. Gl1m0: Okay... that's just wrong. Scootaloo: Why? Don't we decorate Hearth's Warming trees with balls? Don't we play with them out in the field on sunny days? Gl1m0: Well, technically yes, but the context just... leaves something to be desired. Scootaloo: Uh... why? Gl1m0: ...I give up. Her young mind is just too pure for me to scar now... I gotup off the mat and took off my spandex which shows off my muscles. AJ: ...Any chance you keep some o' that 'brain bleach' stuff handy? Gl1m0: In the cupboard, second row down, on the left. AJ: Thank ya kindly. (Runs off to get some.) Screwball: What a lightweight. Instead of flexign I did wing pushups, 30 self-facebucks, and only 49 house lifts instead of 50 because I was having a bad day. Screwball: His Pony AIDS check came back positive. Gl1m0: He was a fool, and didn't wrap his tool. I cried manly tears. Gl1m0: Please. That's so beta. Nothing compares to the manly tenderness of LIQUID PRIDE! My best sister friend Trixie (AN: if u want to be my prerater which is like an inspector of prereaders Screwball: We get to inspect the prereaders for a change?! HECK'S YEAH, SIGN ME UP! AJ: Make that two. Whoever passed this story needs a slap. Gl1m0: I could certainly think of more suitable punishment than a mere “slap”. then this OC can represent u!) Gl1m0: Wait, wait, WAIT. Trixie is not an OC. She’s a recently-reformed antagonist that starred in two full episodes. Calling her an OC is probably a surefire way of getting Sethisto’s boot up your ass, among other orifices. Not even counting what the mare herself will do to ya. This author is tempting fate a little bit too often on this fic, methinks. woke up fro my mat and grinned at me. She flipped her long athletic mane and did a workout of her own. Screwball: I never thought it possible to have a mane that did sports. Gl1m0: And seeing as how that comment is coming from you, that’s really saying something. 20 hoof curls, 30 luges and she shot a biathlete. We both showered and toweled off but not too much so we could glisten with mucscular exertion. AJ: Ah bet that they’re shinier than-- Gl1m0: DON’T you DARE make that comparison. I felt better. All: Speak for yourself. "OMBA I saw u talking to Twilicorn Princess yesterday!" she said excitedly! Scootaloo: Yes, we know! That exclamation point thing already clued us in! AJ: An’ what’n the hay does “OMBA” mean, anyway? Gl1m0: Given the context and previous indicators, “Oh my bucking alicorn.” Screwball: So, she’s talking to her alicorn, who is good at kickin’ stuff. Gl1m0: Well, she’s obviously not talking to “Meddle”, then. "Yeah so?" I said, holding back a manly blush. Gl1m0: It’s normal. A blush can’t be ANYTHING aside from manly. "You like her" she said as we went downstairs where mom had made breakfast of victory and stern angst. It tasted like oats. AJ: “Angsty-O’s”; part of a complete breakfast. Screwball: And then I said, “Oatmeal, why you taste so meddle?” "No I so bucking don't" I shouted. "Yeah right!" she said. Just then, Twilicorn ranged the doorbell. Gl1m0: AS IF THINGS COULDN’T BE ANY MORE WORSE, I HAVE TO EXPLORE THIS *BULLSHIT AGAIN!?!* AJ: You don’t really like those kinda mistakes, do ya pard? "Hi." she said flirtily. "Hi." I said flirtily. Screwball: So. *DEEP.* "Guess what." she said flirtily. Gl1m0: The story is over? AJ: Apples a day actually don’t keep the Doctor away? "What?" I said flirtily. Screwball: “As it turns out, yer a Marty Stu. We’ll need to put you down.” "You two are so cute" Trixie said flirtily. Gl1m0: THERE ARE OTHER ADJECTIVES BESIDES “FLIRTILY” YOU KNOW! AND “FLIRTILY” ISN’T EVEN AN ADJECTIVE TO BEGIN WITH! …Speaking of which… (scribbles in the dictionary) …Aaaand now you’ve just been half-validated. Feel proud, author… while you still can. "Shut up you're adopted," Twilicorn and I said. We all laughed. Scootaloo: We did too. After we were done crying, of course. Gl1m0: …I never stopped. (sobs a little bit) Screwball: Pfft. Pussy. "So" "Yeah." "So what do you wanna do today?" "I dunno" Screwball: *SO. DEEP.* "Maybe," Twilicorn said we can go inspect Cloudsdale for the upcoming games!" AJ: And that has been Twilight’s favorite pastime since… never. Gl1m0: Doesn’t this guy’s mom already kind of cover that job, anyway? The pointlessness of these plot devices PAINS me. Screwball: No word on the misplacement of quotation marks? I’m disappointed, Glowy. Gl1m0: What are you talking abou—? …Oh, piss off. "oH. mY. bUCKING. aLICORN." I screamed. Gl1m0: If you listen closely, you can almost hear the mournful cries of a heavily-abused caps lock key, begging for a kind soul to put it out of its misery. Screwball: I’d be feelin’ for that Shift key, too. Cloudsdale is my favorite place to inspect besides Harshwhinnia. Scootaloo: …Okay, but why? Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: “Because clouds”, apparently. "Well…… do you want to go with me?" she asked. I gasped. Gl1m0: “GREAT SCOTT!” Screwball: The generic love interest is showing generic interest in love?! STOP THE PRESSES, WE NEED THIS IN PRINT! AJ: Whew nelly, is it jus’ me or are these chapters gettin’ *worse?* Gl1m0: At least they’re short, so thank God for that. Scootaloo: Uh, the screen says that there’s… ten more. AJ: Ten whole chapters of *this...?* Screwloose: (whines) Gl1m0: My thoughts exactly. It just can't be over 'til it's over. Chpater 3 Gl1m0: So, a chpater… Sounds like a monster from an H.P. Lovecraft novel. (AN: I can't start 2 complane abt flamming from NERDS until u GIVE ME SOEM FLAMES!!!! Screwball: “UR sTOR13s SUX N UR FAM1lee SUX & U is A DUM@S$!!!1!” …How was that? Gl1m0: Aside from shattering my perspective on pronouncing symbols, quite well, actually. Odderwize guess I'll just fic more ok) AJ: Please don’t. Scootaloo: It’s too late. He fic’d more. Gl1m0: (to self while writing in dictionary) *…‘Fic’; verb: the act of writing piles of mediocre slop with the hopes of self-fulfillment; also see: deviantART…* To get ready for the inspection I went back to my gym and flew 30 laps. AJ: Ah wonder how he managed to keep track of ‘em. Screwball: He’s a Stu, he’s got a friggin’ counter implanted into his brain. Gl1m0: What don’t they have implanted in their brain? In between the laps I did flips on the parallel bars. The parallel bars were pole vaults so I vaulted 50 feet. I was working up a sweat so I slicked back my mane with Gu energy gel. Gl1m0: It’s amazing what you can buy with money these days. Scootaloo: Huh… “energy” gel? Isn’t it supposed to be “mane gel”, or…? Screwloose: Bark, bark! Gl1m0: No, it’s exactly what you think it is. Let it sink in. I did a long jump and soared out of the house entirely. But I didn't beat my own record so I felt depressed. Screwball: Failing to live up to his mighty Stu legacy is not an easy thing to accept. I kicked an earth pony and ate lunch. Gl1m0: Ah, because the word “buck” in this context would imply a COMPLETELY different connotation, so you settled for “kick”. Smart move, story. You have saved yourself from the full extent of my wrath. Mom did her own training. It tasted like oats. Scootaloo: I… think that he must really like oats, then. Screwloose: Bark. Gl1m0: “You don’t say.” Hm, well said. I went outside. Twilicorn was waiting there in frot of her hot air balloon which had racing stripes. Screwball: It’s a proven scientific fact; painting racing stripes on something makes it go faster. AJ: That don’t make any sense… Screwball: Precisely. That’s why it works. She wore a T shirt saying "I inspected Fillydelphia & all I got was this lousy shirt" Gl1m0: …Points for the reference, but that’s ALL you get. Screwball: What, no mention of the fact that-- Gl1m0: I KNOW ALICORNS CAN’T WEAR T-SHIRTS, SHUT UP! (we were going to inspect FillyD on the way too), which was spandex and showed off her brain muscles. Scootaloo: So… if that’s true, wouldn’t there be a hole in her head, or something? Screwball: The Stu obviously has X-ray vision, so of course not! Gl1m0: I wonder if that means he can also see through her clo…wait, that’s a bit pointless; ponies don’t wear clothes. (thinks about this for a moment) …Oh lord, I’m surrounded by the equine equivalent of naked females. Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: Well, I suppose that straitjacket does count as clothing… (AN: Mucsles can b kewl on girlicorns too ok!!) AJ: Not sure if Ah should feel disgusted or embarrassed… Gl1m0: You do have a pretty well-built figure, if I may comment as such. AJ: ……Sugarcube, are you hittin’ on me? Gl1m0: What the hell—no! Jeez, take a simple compliment for a change! *Sheesh…* "Hi Twilicorn!" I said still depressed. Gl1m0: Your must be the most enthusiastically-depressed Marty Stu of all time. "Hi Medlle." She said back. AJ: Ah wonder if a constantly changin' the spelling of a name is another Stu power... Screwball: Or maybe... making us think that he has more Stu powers than he does is a Stu power in and of itself! We walked into her flying balloon (the ballast was gold meddles) and flew to Cloudsdale. Screwball: He's got swag in those sacks. Gl1m0: I really hope you're only referring to the medals. On the way we visited Fillydelphia and Appleloosa. They bribed us with drugs but the steroids weren't good enough for the international Eqeustrian Games. Gl1m0: They didn't match up to the Unfair Steroid Regulations. They had to at LEAST make the user slightly better than impossibly talented. When we got to the Games we flew out of the balloon. We went to the cloudsdale Stadium where athletes were competing. Scootaloo: What? Cloudsdale's not important enough to be capitalized, but a random stadium *is?* AJ: It's where the athletes were competing, Scoots. Screwball: That instantly makes it more important! Your argument has been invalidated! We inspected by competing. They handed us Powerthirsts and we all sang the powerthirst song. Screwball: "I WANNA HEAR YA YELL!" (starts headbanging) "Give Powerthirst to your foals and they'll be good at SPORTS! Make your foals fly ABNORMALLY FAST! Gl1m0: Because all the parents in Equestria WANT their kids to be abnormally fast. Uh-huh. Sure. Scootaloo: As fast as Rainbow Dash?! Gl1m0: ...Sure. Maybe even faster. Scootaloo: Aw yeah, SWEET! They'll fly as fast as ZEBRANS! People will watch them flying and think they're ZEBRANS! Gl1m0: Because apparently "Zebrans" can fly. Uh-huh. Sure. AJ: Ah'm sure Zecora is keepin' somethin' from us... They'll fly as fast as ZEBRANS! Against actual ZEBRANS! Then it'll be a tie and they'll be deported back to ZEBRA!" (AN: I don't own dese lyrics) Screwball: He jacked 'em from a racist third-grader's notebook. Screwloose: Bark, bark. Gl1m0: "And he'd be much better off without them." True, true. We flew in the Young Flyer's Competition. Rainbow Dashicorn was there. Gl1m0: Alicorns. Alicorns everywhere. AJ: Really, Ah'm just waiting for "Applecorn" to show up sooner 'r later. "Dashicorn is so bucking hot." Screwball: "Just look at how her mane catches fire in the sunlight..." I said to Twilicorn, pointing to her as she rainboomed and got silver after me. AJ: ...Wait, who "rainboomed"? Rainbow or Twilight? Gl1m0: You're still hung up on that? I was just about call bullshit on Rainbow losing to this guy. Suddenly Twilicorn looked sad. Gl1m0: And I felt mad. AJ: While Ah felt glad... that Ah'm not in this story. Screwball: Meanwhile, I've been bad~! Gl1m0: ...where the hell did my fez go? Wait... *SCREWBALL!!* Screwball: You're so cute when you're flustered. Gl1m0: (snatches back the stylish headgear) For Luna's sake, act your age already! Frig... "What's wrong?" I asked as we raced to a tie. Then I caught on. Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Obviously, she's so amazed by my all-encompassing awesomeness that she's been sucked dry of all hope of ever matching my awesomeness. Yes, that's it." "Hey it's ok I think YOU'RE a better athelete!" I said as we flew. "Really?" emoted Twilicorn as she put her wing around me. Screwball: [Meddle] "L0LNOP3! U IS 5UX0RS! >:D" Scootaloo: ...Did she just say "El-zero-el-no-three! You is five-u-ex-zero-ar-ess! Greater-than colon-D?" Gl1m0: Yeah. She got stuck inside our internet connection for a month. Picked up on some new speaking habits. Screwball: 5hut up, n00b! D:< Gl1m0: ...Don't ask. "Really." I said. "Besides we don't ever have to mention Dashicorn again since I learned to rainboom from watching her. Gl1m0: I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that we were reading a friggin' Pokemon fanfic. Screwball: Meddle is best not-Smeargle. She can go back to her lesbians with Applejack." I said disgustedly AJ: ........ Gl1m0: And as it turns out, you ARE mentioned in the story. AJ: FER THE LUVA GRANNY SMITH, AH DON'T *SWING THAT WAY! WHY DO ALL THESE FANFICS KEEP ASSUMIN' THAT JUNK?!* Screwball: I think that AJ may be slightly upset. even though lesbians is totally ok and hot to watch. Scootaloo: Um... "lesbians" is when two girls are... you know... "liking" each other, right? Gl1m0: Er... yes, essentially. It's bound to happen in societies that are predominantly female, since there's a lot of competition for "owning" the males. AJ: Buckin' horseapples, Ah ain't *a lesbian!* Screwball: It totally is hot, by the way. Just sayin'. Gl1m0: ...Screwball, is there something you're not telling me? The inspection went really well so I awarded Cloudsdale the Equestrian games. Gl1m0: I can just imagine the look on Rainbow's face... Screwball: [Rainbow] "About buckin' time, ya hornheads!" So did Twilicorn. And my mom, so it was anonymous. After the inspection, we took our gold medals and everyone asked for our autographs, including Dashicorn and Raricorn (AN: who's not an alicorn she just calls herself that). AJ: Oh, so Rarity is the only one who ain't an alicorn? Right. Gotcha. Gl1m0: Makes sense. She learned her lesson way back then. Screwball: [Rarity] "WING BURNS, SUN BAD!" Twilicorn and I vaulted back into the baalloon, but she didn't fly us home, instead she flew us into……… the Everfree Forest! Screwloose: BARK! Gl1m0: "PLOT TWIST!" Couldn't have said it better myself, Lucy. Screwball: Need an ominous, dark place to get lost and/or die in? BAM! EVERFREE FOREST! IS BEAUTIFUL! AJ: An' we're only a quarter-ways done, too... Cahpter 4… Screwball: GET... TO... THE... CAHPTER! Gl1m0: That's "choppah", you dink. Screwball: That's what I said! CAHPTER! Gl1m0: ...You're special. That's all I can say. (AN: By speshl req I wuz askd 2 make thisc hapter about sexs! Gl1m0: Aw, damn. This is gonna hurt. Scootaloo: Why? What's wrong? AJ: (covers Scootaloo's eyes) This is fer your own good, sugarcube! Scootaloo: Hey...! What gives, I can't see! Screwball: Perfect! ONWARDS! DON'T REED THE PARTS U THNK SUX! AJ: Were that true, we'd be done already. Gl1m0: It already feels like a hollow dream, now... & B4 u ask its moral becuz TWILICORN IS IN LUV W/Metal! Dey got marryed b4 dis fic ok?) Gl1m0: Pardon me, but *WHAT.* AJ: This story jus' went from terrible to genocidal. Screwball: Well, that wasn't in poor taste at all. Nope. Gl1m0: ...You know, most brony's hearts would probably fail from this kind of shock, but I'd like to think I'm weathered to it. Scootaloo: I still can't see! What's going on?! "SPARKLES!" I questioned. "What the buck do you think you re doing?" Screwball: Leaving you alone for dead, duh. VENGEANCE IS BEST SERVED COLD, BEE-YOTCH! Twilicorn didn't answer but leaped down from the balloon into the forest. AJ: Where she fell and broke her leg. Screwball: In fifteen places. Screwloose: Bark. Gl1m0: "And died." Before being eaten by flesh-melting shrews. I walked after her, wanting to know what the buck she was doing. "What the bucking buck!" I asked. Gl1m0: I'd question the lack of a question mark, but then I'd be needing a question mark that obviously doesn't exist. "Meddle?" she asked. "WHAT" I asked. Gl1m0: Yes, WHAT! Screwball: WAHT. AJ: Wut? Screwloose: Bark? Scootaloo: ......what? Gl1m0: Exactly. Twilicorn leaned in extra-close and I lookked into her muscular open eyes (that she was staring at me with). Screwball: [Meddle] "Hey, is that a little man inside your eye, spying on me? Hello, spy!" AJ: Actually, right now, Ah wouldn't be so surprised if she were a robot. Gl1m0: ...So you do remember the communist squirrels. AJ: Can we not talk about it... They were like open windows. Gl1m0: -that were letting in one hell of a stank. They reflected the silver meddle around her neck and I realized why she was so sad. Suddenly I wanted to cry too. Gl1m0: LET THE LIQUID PRIDE FLOW THROUGH YOU! AJ: And out, preferably. Otherwise, he'd wet himself. Screwball: But that would be funny as heck! Scootaloo: What's funny? I still can't see, guys...! Gl1m0: I'm impressed and yet not at all surprised that you can securely restrain her. AJ: Well, Ah don't like to boast... Screwball: Pfft. Earth ponies. And then…… just as suddenly while I was Twilicorn Screwball: "No, Meddle... YOU are Twilicorn!" Gl1m0: [Meddle] "But... but... THAT'S IMPOSSIBRU!" passionately climbed on top of me and got to first base. Gl1m0: Now quick, run to second! Hurry, hurry! Or else you'll get tagged! "Oh Twilicorn." I said while we kissed afflictionately. Then we started to make out. Screwball: -the fuzzy image of a manticore. AJ: Then they were both eaten alive. With applesauce. Gl1m0: And there was much rejoicing. "Oh! OH! Ooooohh!!" I screamed. She was giving me an ejaculation. AJ: Ah don't suppose it was gift-wrapped, eh? Screwball: Ew, that's nasty! You don't gift-wrap it! You gotta put a bowtie on it; everyone knows that! Gl1m0: After all, bowties are cool. We kissed harder. I took off all her clothes and her bra. Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Why were you even wearing one?" Screwball: [Twilicorn] "Well, artists like drawing us with 'em cuz they're sex-ee!" Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Good 'nuff for me!" I don't wear clothes because I'm a pony. AJ: Then why the hay was Twilight wearin' em? Screwball: [Twilicorn] "'Cuz they're sex-eeeeee, that's why!" Then we took off each others's cutiemarks so we were totally naked for you know what. Gl1m0: You know, if Pinkie Pie from Cupcakes had actually known that cutie marks were easily removable, then she could have saved both her and Rainbow a lot of trouble. Screwball: Silly logic, sense is for perfume! I put my hoof between her legs and her navel was wet. Gl1m0: "Dammit, sorry! Spilled some of my Icee..." I rubbed it Screwball: -and a genie popped out, who then granted them three wishes. Gl1m0: [Meddle] "I wish..... for three more wishes!" AJ: [Genie] "Dangit, man!" and she put my thing inside. We did it for the first time. And then…… Screwball: He came. AJ: ...... Screwball: ...to the ball game. AJ: ...yeah, that's loads better. "wHAT THE HAY ART THOU DOING THY MOTHERBUKERS" said the rOYAL cANTERLOT vOICE Gl1m0: "Don't come in; we're not decent! Come to think of it, we're never decent!" Screwloose: Bark, bark! Bark! Screwball: Ohhh, snap! Lucy, you got a dirty mind, you do! Scootaloo: Okay, seriously, what's going on!? Let me go, AJ...! AJ: Not until this is over, Scoot! It was………… AJ: A bird! Scootaloo: A... plane? Gl1m0: No, its... the Spanish Inquisition! Screwball: "NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" (AN: I AM ENDING THIS CH. ON A CLIFFHANGER) All: Oh, is that so!? Screwball: SO, MANY, CLIFFHANGERS! *SO. INTENSE.* AJ: Got that right... Gl1m0: Jeez, that was perhaps the WORST depiction of "the act" that I've ever read! I think it would actually be work-safe because of how poorly-descriptive it is! Hell, even Scootaloo could have seen it and been alright! It's just THAT bad! Scootaloo: See?! Now let me go, AJ! I still can't see! AJ: ...Fine, then. (lets go of Scootaloo) Ah hope you know what you're doin', sugarcube. Gl1m0: Well, don't look now, but here comes yet another chapter. Wow, these are actually really short... cHAPTER 5 Gl1m0: That crying of the Caps Lock is starting to becoming a wail... Screwball: Especially since Princess Capslock herself is about to get in on the action. (AN: all u NERDS sayin Luna iz o OC 4 her swears r DUM…… she iz from teh show & not maed up) AJ: Sugarcube... Ah think they meant OOC, not OC. Gl1m0: He's not even gonna admit to cocking-up with the Trixie thing, is he? Calling her an OC... I think some phone calls are in order. Screwball: Yeah, see, about that...... our phone service is maxed-out. Again. ...Tee-hee. Gl1m0: ...GODDAMMIT, SCREWBALL! It was……… (AN: I sed that last tyme but in case u forgot) Gl1m0: It was only just last chapter! HOW THE HELL COULD WE *FORGET?!* Scootaloo: Well, I didn't even get to read it, so... Princesscorn Luna! Screwball: All hail Princess Capslock! AJ: Ya know, the Princess doesn't take kindly to that term. Screwball: Who cares, she doesn't even know about us! We're a big secret for a reason, ya know! Gl1m0: (muttering) And one that might soon get spoiled, because of your *careless escapades, I might add...* Luna made Twilicorn and I follow thee. Thou kept shouting at us angrily. Gl1m0: I had no idea that a fic could suddenly swap, not only perspectives, but standard terminology, too. Screwball: You know, it's almost as if we're living a thousand years ago! Coolio! "THOU BUCKING LUCRETIOUS FOOLS" she angrily shouted. Scootaloo: Luna can be reall scary when she's mad... Gl1m0: And apparently, she also makes up words in her spare time. The hell does "lucretious" even mean? Guh.... (writes down in dictionary) ...I'd better not have the good conscious to return this to Twilight anytime soon. She'll murder me dead, and not just for mucking-up her book. AJ: Sugarcube, you're only bringin' it on yerself... My ears were bleeding down my muscular face. Twilicorn kissed them. AJ: Well, ain't that sweet. Gl1m0: As sour grapes, AJ. As sour grapes. I cried manly tears of shame. Luna took us back to the royal Castle of the Princesscorn Sisters. Princesscorns were alicorns that got doublecorned Screwball: "THE CORNS HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!" Screwloose: Bark bark, bark... Gl1m0: "Because there wasn't any other reference that could have been made." Right you are, Lucy. to raise the planets and rule the Equestrian International games Committeee. They were angry. Gl1m0: But, story, you can't just TELL us what the characters are feeling! THAT MAKES ME FEEL *ANGRY!* "THOU WERE PRACTICING SYNCHRONIZED COPULATION IN YONDER BUCKING EVERFREE!" Luna furiously voiced. Gl1m0: [Meddle] "NOT TRUE! ...Who the hell said we were practicing?" Screwball: [Twilicorn] "Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" AJ: Ah never knew painful-to-read cloppin' could compare to an actual sport. Gl1m0: It takes skill to suck that bad, so it makes sense I guess. "Your mediocre behavior was unfitting of the professional and sportsmarelike atmosphere which the International Equestrian Love games strives to achieve," lectured Princesscorn Cadunce. Screwball: Duhhhh, her name is Cadunce! Huehuehuehue. Gl1m0: There's more than one way to express your dislike for an out-of-left-field headcanon-shattering alicorn, I suppose... "i wasnt invited" said Princesscorn Celestia. Screwball: Sorry Celly, they musta ran outta invites. Rainbow Dash was pretty adamant to get in, you see. Scootaloo: HEY! "HOW DARE THOU?" demandeth Princesscorn Luna. Gl1m0: Rather easily, as a matter of fact. Screwball: It was basically, "I dare you to sex me up, stud!" And then stuff happened. Gl1m0: All kinds of stuffy stuff. And stuff. And then Twilicorn shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" AJ: Well. That happened. Screwball: Instantaneous sex changes are all the rage nowadays. Everyone was quiet. Gl1m0: Except for the porter, who wouldn't stop bitching about having to carry all of Meddle's medals. Them's is heavy. Luna and Cadunce still looked disapproving but Celestia said. "oh ok i guess u can go" Screwball: Celly don't give a buck. AJ: But Ah do. Ah'd buck Meddle twice in the jaw, if Ah hafta. Twilicorn and I went upstairs to my room while the princesscorns glared at us. "Are you ok Meddle?" Twilicorn asked. Gazing into my eyes with tenderness. "Yeah" I lied. AJ: Gosh, Ah wonder what else he lied about. Screwball: He probably was faking it during the sex, I'll bet. Scootaloo: During the wha...? Gl1m0: Oh goddammit, I'm gonna go to hell for this. Screwball: Well, look on the bright side: You got a two mile head-start down there! ...Get it? Gl1m0: ...I hate you. So. Much. I went to my locker room and slicked back my mane and flexed in the mirror. Despite my trembling muscular angst Screwball: *He's a shake, shake, shakin'~! Shake shake shakin'~! Shakin' his boo-tay! Shakin' his boooo-tay~!* Gl1m0: Screwball, don't make me strangle you, because by Celestia's beard, I WILL. I did 30 bench presses and showered. When I came out… AJ: Everyone had died. Screwball: A true happy ending, don't you think? Gl1m0: Eh. I'd be happier if he just blew up from the sheer internal pressure of his wangst. Twilicorn was in the locker room, and she dropped to one knee. AJ: Wouldn't that be painful? Gl1m0: With four legs? Yeah, probably. Jeez, are these actually ponies, or anthros, or hell, even just humanizations? Make up your damn mind, story! Stop sticking your head up your own cavernous asshole! "Meddle will you marry me" she asked. Gl1m0: ...... AJ: (covers Scootaloo's ears) Fer yer own good, Scoots. Scootaloo: Hey...! What is it this time?! Gl1m0: ...Fucking... BULLSHIT! You asked him to marry you?! That is BY ITSELF a complete and total blasphemy--but oh no, THAT'S not what I'm mad about! According to the author himself, YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING MARRIED TO HIM! "Dey got marryed b4 dis fic" he said! THEN HOW THE FUCK IS THAT COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY SEX SCENE JUSTIFIED NOW?!THIS STORY IS NOTHING BUT A BIG CLUSTERFUCK OF TERRIBLE PLOTTING, STIFF AS CARDBOARD CHARACTERS, AND ABSOLUTELY ATROCIOUS SPELLING AND GRAMMAR! FUCK THIS STORY, AAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!! All: ...... AJ: (lets go of Scootaloo's ears) You feelin' okay, sugarcube? Gl1m0: ...not very. Sorry, but... I tend to fly off the handle when a story like this comes along. Screwball: Oh, this is nothing. You shoulda seen him when he first heard about Equestria Gir--(Gl1m0 reaches over and, literally, zips her mouth shut)--MMPH! Mmm, mmmmph! AJ: Uh... what was she-- Gl1m0: NOTHING!! ...I mean, uh, nothing at all. You need not concern yourself with it, is all I'm saying. AJ: O...kay.... Scootaloo: ...Uh, weren't we supposed to be reading this? Gl1m0: Ah, yes... um... right. Almost forgot, eh-heh... Screwball: (flails her forelegs in the air angrily) MMMMPH! AJ: Ah think Ah like her better this way. Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: Agreed. Now, where were we... I was so flattered even though she wasn't supposed to be in the colt's room. Gl1m0: Oh, he's gonna be in for quite a shock when he finds out the truth... Screwball: Mmmmph! Mmmm... (fumbles with the zipper on her mouth, but fails) MMMPH! Gl1m0: I'm actually really enjoying this. We hugged and kissed on the lips. After that, we said goodnight and she reluctantly went back to her own gym. AJ: A single sentence without any sort of mistake 'r pacin' problems? In this story? Gl1m0: Truly, these are the end of times. Mom made me dinner. It tasted like oats. All except Screwball: *Yes, we know, you like oats. We get it already.* Gl1m0: It makes me wonder, though; he likes oats a lot... and in the fandom, at least in the places I've been, "oats" is another word for senseless and sometimes NSFW randomness being posted on image boards... Hm... Connection, maybe? AJ: Ah really don't know, or care; Ah jus' wanna get done with this. Scootaloo: It can't be over soon enough! At least some other stories I've read with my friends were actually *readable...* Gl1m0: Tell you what; the next chapter is the halfway mark. After that, we'll take a break. AJ: You can take breaks? How? Gl1m0: (holds up remote control) Why, the "Pause" button of course! AJ: ...You mean to say... we have complete control of the story. Gl1m0: Why, yes. Yes we do. AJ: ...and we're only jus' stoppin' now. Gl1m0: Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound like a masochist or something. But hey, I have a job to do! AJ: ...... Scootaloo: Can we just... you know... move on? Screwball: MMMMMPPHH! Gl1m0: Ugh... fine, I'll undo your zipper. AJ: That'd probably sound weird out-of-context... [[Gl1m0 unzips Screwball's mouth, and she starts taking in huge breaths of air.]] Screwball: Dang it Glowy, don't do that! You know I hate it when you do that! Gl1m0: Exactly. Which is why I do it. NEXT CHAPTER! Chatper 6! Screwball: Whoo, last chapter before the break, yeah! Gl1m0: Actually, it's a "chatper." AJ: As in what? Chat per... pony? Ah dunno... (AN: STOP TALLING ME THE FIC NEEDS MOR HARSHWINNNY OK FINE SENCE U AKSED 4 IT I DOIT) Gl1m0: Gosh, there's no need to yell. Scootaloo: Who's "Harshwinnny"? Gl1m0: It's "Harshwhinny." Equestria Games inspector. Starred in Season 3, Episode 11, "Games Ponies Play". Scootaloo: ...huh? Gl1m0: Sorry... eidetic memory. Partially, at least; what few things I do remember, I remember them vividly. Ironically, I can't remember how I even ended up working with these weirdos... Screwball: It was because of my fun and exciting personality! And, teehee... "other" charms... AJ: Egh... Gl1m0: ...Not like that! Screwball, I swear...! Screwball: Kidding~! You're so fun to mess with! The next day I woke up on my exercise mat. Screwball: -wondering where his pants had gone. Scootaloo: But... I though he didn't wear clothes? Screwball: He's put on a pair the night before. Scootaloo: But- Screwball: HE PUT ON A PAIR THE NIGHT BEFORE. I practiced some caber fencing and wing backflips. I did 30 crunches and 40 tail lifts and 50 mountain climbs and shot a biathlete. AJ: That biathlete jus' can't catch a break. Gl1m0: But apparently, he can catch bullets. There were Games later so I put on my Equestria national costume and made sure my muscles glistered with sweat. Gl1m0: So if tears are Liquid Pride... then sweat must be Liquid Shame. Screwball: It is a shame that he was chosen to represent Equestria. Those costumes are so tacky. AJ: Rarity'd flip a table if she saw one. My mom wasn't there to make me breakfast Gl1m0: Which often taste like oats, or so I hear. so I beat up an earth pony and took his Wheaties. Screwball: THE POWER OF FIBRE COMPELS YOU! I was on the box. I ate a bowl full with extra sugar and teststosorone. Gl1m0: He forgot that Wheaties are only part of a complete breakfast. AJ: He'll be sore for missing out on those muffins and apple fritters. Derpy: Did somepony say muffins? Gl1m0: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU-- AJ: AH-HEM! Language! Gl1m0: You're not my mother, okay?! Seriously, HOW in the hell did DERPY get ALL THE WAY DOWN-- AJ: She's gone. Gl1m0: ....WHAT. AJ: She saw we didn't have any muffins, then left. Gl1m0: ...Yeah, stopped caring now. It'll be healthier for me that way. Screwball: (pats him on back) Good boy, Glowy! You're learning! Gl1m0: Oh shut up... Then I went to the Equestria international Games Comittee meeting to choose cities to inspect. Suddenly someone bumped into me. Screwball: "Oh dear, TERRIBLY sorry! It will likely happen again!" "Bastard!" I shoulted angrily. Gl1m0: (writing in dictionary while muttering) ...'*Shoult'; verb: the act of verbally expressing disapproval of someone else's act of stupidity; also see: "whambulance"...* I regretted saying it as soon as I looked up cause it was the most athletic mare I have ever seen. Screwball: So, instead of "bastard", he should have called her a "bitch". AJ: *Hey!* Screwball: Just trying to be gender-accurate here, jeez. She had bulging muscules and a diminuitive sneer and a short cropped blond mane. AJ: This had better not be me... Gl1m0: I doubt it. Your don't sneer, nor is your mane cut short. And I wouldn't exactly say "bulging" muscles... AJ: ...That's very comfortin', pard. Gl1m0: Just trying to help, is all... She wore as many gold medals as me, minus one. Gl1m0: Logic. Why have you forsaken us. Scootaloo: As many as him, but less? ...Ow! Brain hurts... She had taken off her purple sweater and her earrings Screwball: Well, she's definitely not AJ then... AJ: Phew... Screwball: ...she's too masculine to wear earrings and the color purple. AJ: ...Are you tryin' to make me mad, sugarcube? and was wearing spandex showing off the contour of her ripped abdominals. Along with her muscles she had curved flanks and pony breasts. AJ: Not sure if anthro, or still nursin'. Screwball: Not sure if sex-ay, or creep-ay. Gl1m0: Not sure if teasing, or impending clopfic... She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her. Screwball: [Meddle] "Wow, she's soooo sexy and OH BUCKING CELESTIA I'M ON FIRE!!" Except I didn't get an erection because that would have been sick and wrong. Gl1m0: Being attracted to someone like that is bad, and you should feel bad Screwball: Why so many fetishes, writers? Why? "I'm so sorry" she said in a demure voice. Gl1m0: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. That's amusing. Glorious. HA HA. She sounds so demure, even though she's an athlete? HA. Hilarious. Heehee. Screwball: Aw man, his mind is finally gone... AJ: And you can tell... how, exactly? Gl1m0: ...I NEED SCISSORS! STAT!! Screwball: I can just tell, is all. "That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. "My name's Miss Harshwhinnny, although most people call me Triplecorn these days." She complained. Scootaloo: I can see why she's complaining; that name *stinks.* Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: "Seconded." With joy. AJ: Lemme guess; a triple alicorn, then? Gl1m0: ...Oh fuck, I'm getting those Mykan flashbacks again... (winces) ...Urrgh! Pain...! AJ: What's wrong with *him?* Screwball: The breakdown of My Little Unicorn... Oh, those were dark days in the CRF... "Oh yeah hi mom. Why?" I exclaimed. Gl1m0: *WHAT.* AJ: H-he was oglin' his own MOTHER?! Screwball: Well, in fairness, he did say it was sick and wrong. AJ: But he still looked at her! You jus'... don't do that! Gl1m0: REALLY? NO COMMENT ON THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY ASKED FOR HIS OWN MOTHER'S *NAME?!* Screwball: Oh yeah, that. That too. "Because I'm like a princesscorn except they princesscorn you twice and it takes away your wings and horn because you're so awesome you don't need them any more." she giggled. Screwball: Ah, The Mary Sue Mother of the Stu. It all makes sense. Gl1m0: Except it doesn't! It completely goes against canon; she's NOT as powerful as that, she's just an earth pony inspector who appeared inONE EPISODE! You can't just "Sueify" a canon character and use that as an excuse to make a horrible, OP Marty Stu offspring! Holy shit, this story is really testing my patience...! Scootaloo: That break can't come soon enough... "Me too because it's genetic!" I confessed. "Except I kept the wings and horn because I like them." Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Not because it makes me look like a Marty Stu, no, of course not! I'm too awesome for that." "Really?" Triplecorn whimpered. Screwball: "HAHA, NOPE! They were claimed from the bodies of my victims! And you... ARE NEXT!" AJ: Matricide, much? Gl1m0: Poor taste all around. I think this fanfic is draining me of all proper reasoning. "Yeah." I roared. Scootaloo: ...That was a terrible roar. Screwball: Totally. Care to show 'em how it's done, Snowflake? Snowflake: YEEEEEEEAAAAAH!! Screwball: See, fillies? Learn from the master, or end up a disaster! Gl1m0: ...I won't question it. I don't care anymore. Please let it end. AJ: Sugarcube... you gonna be okay? Gl1m0: ...... We sat down to talk for a while. Then Twilicorn came up behind me and told me she had a surprise for me so I went away with her. Screwball: I'll bet the surprise is cupcakes. Meddle loves those. Gl1m0: Well then, I wonder how much he'll enjoy making those. By being one. AJ: Well, six chapters to go... Gl1m0: Oh hell no, we're taking a break. Right. Now. AJ: Fer a change, Ah agree completely. Scootaloo: Same here. Screwloose: Bark! Screwball: Pfft, wimps! (everyone glares at her) ...What? So what if I'm desensitized to this stuff! It's funny! Gl1m0: That remains to be seen. Now come on, I've forgotten how hungry I've gotten... [[He presses the "Pause" button on the remoter, and the fanfic stops while a light that reads "BREAK" flashes overhead. The five stand back up, and walk through a newly-opened door into the Lounge.]] --Part 2, Coming Soon-- Non-Canon: Applejack Is Full Of SquirrelsHallo! Welcome to another Brimstone-loaded spa of death known as Brony Nerd Theatre 42000 with very-special guest, the host of the MLP/MST Archive thingy, TheAuthorGl1m0. This time, I have no words. No words at all. This is crazy, insane, off-it’s-rocker, you name another synonym. This is a crossover between My Little Pony, Metal Gear Solid, and squirrels. This is “Applejack Is Full Of Squirrels” and this is crazy. So let’s dig into this episode of BNT42K. TheAuthorGl1m0’s Notes: Salutations, benefactors! TheAuthorGl1m0 here, joining Luigilewis889 on his riff of... well, you can read what he wrote, can’t you? Honestly. Anyway, when he asked for another riffer to help out with this riff, well, I figured it was about time I answered the call of duty (for once). Hope you enjoy reaping what we’ve sowed! Lewis: Dum-de-dum... Let’s see... if I do this... (A light appears, forming TheAuthorGl1m0 and Applejack) Applejack: ...The heck? TheAuthorGl1m0: What the... how’d we end up here? This isn’t the CRF... Lewis: Teleport. Pinkie has access to mine. Name’s Lewis. Gl1m0: Oh, uh... makes sense. I’m TheAuthorGl1m0, and uh, this is Applejack. But, you can just call me Gl1m0. Or... “Glowy”, as Pinkie likes to call me for some reason... Lewis: Yep, Pinkie and her nicknames. I’m off scot-free, mostly because of the entire controlling part of the universe thing. Gl1m0: Controlling the... uh... am I missing something here? Lewis: Okay, it’s not exactly controlling, more I can manipulate reality slightly. With a lot of effort. And machinery. But Pinkie gets candy, and I’m mostly left alone. Apart from the riffs. Gl1m0: Wait... you do riffs too? AJ: Heck, we just finished escaping from one of those just now... Gl1m0: Hence, why I was wondering why I got teleported HERE, and not where I WANTED to go. Lewis: Well, if I know Pinkie... Pinkie: (From TV) HI GUYS! Lewis: Called it. Gl1m0: Oh for god’s sake, not this again... Lewis: Well, what’s it this time? (Door and window swing shut) Pinkie: I have absolutely no idea! But it’s called Applejack Is Full Of Squirrels, so enjoy! AJ: Ah’m full of what-now? Gl1m0: That title alone makes my brain cry out for release... Lewis: Eh, I’ve had worse. You should’ve seen My Little Immortal, or Friendship is Ninjas. Gl1m0: Actually, I don’t think I would’ve liked to see those. Pinkie: I’ve got transcripts! (A buzzer goes off) Gl1m0 & AJ: We’ve got story sign! (Awkward pause) Gl1m0: ...Hey, what gives? Lewis: Not now, not ever! It was on a bright and sunny autumn afternoon when Cheerilee squatted above her flower garden on the edge of Ponyville. Lewis: Teabagging flowers is an acceptable sport in Ponyville. Gl1m0: Cheerilee’s a gold medalist in that. She hummed a quaint tune, her teeth clenched over the handle of a watering can as she tended to a bright, blossoming rose bush. After a prolonged moment of bliss, Lewis: Is she watering flowers, or doing something else... Gl1m0: Well, tending to nature’s beauty is quite self-satisfying. Not that I would know... she heard heavy hoofsteps clamoring towards her from the edge of the Everfree Forest bordering the town. "Hmm?" Cheerilee tilted her face up, blinking. Lewis: No! Don’t blink! Don’t even blink! An orange shape limped towards the grassy embankment, teetering left and right. As Applejack came into focus, her face held a dazed look. Gl1m0: She’s been hittin’ the cider again. AJ: Ah have not! She wobbled suddenly to her left, Lewis: (Singing) It’s a jump to your left. And a step to your ri-i-i-i-ight! veering, and bumped into a tree several times. This went on for a good ten seconds. AJ: An’ carried on fer a not-so-good twenty seconds. Gl1m0: Finishing off with a positively terrible thirty seconds. And that, my friends, is the Minute of Madness. Cheerilee slowly, slowly raised an eyebrow. At last, Applejack froze in her tracks, pivoted with a quiet whir, and stomped towards the schoolteacher. She stopped within a hair's inch of Cheerilee's flinching hooves. When Applejack exhaled, it was as if emitting a phantom gust of steam. Gl1m0: Jeez AJ, when was the last time you brushed your teeth? AJ: ...Brushin’ teeth? Huh? "Felicitous greetings, pony of mane most fuschia," Applejack spoke, each syllable pronounced with bombastic gusto. "Upon where can it be found the acorn of size resplendent?" AJ: Uh... WHAT? Gl1m0: Wow Applejack, I never knew your Aunt loaned you that thesaurus! AJ: That’s because she DIDN’T! Cheerilee's eyelashes fluttered. "Mmmf—mmmff-mmmf! Mmm—" She spat her watering can out and smiled. "Why, whatever are you talking about, Applejack?" "Acorn most large, brought here by malevolent intrigue; into anxiety ceaselessing, we seek it." Lewis: Uhh... Is this AJ, or her twin cousin who’s the daughter of Luna? Gl1m0: Or perhaps the illegitimate stepchild of Fancy Pants? AJ: …… "Well, if you want an acorn that badly, you can buck just about any tree around these parts!" Cheerilee giggled lightly. "You of all ponies should be able to do that in a heartbeat." "This is an attempt at humor..." Applejack stared straight ahead. With a quiet hiss, Gl1m0: Oh dear, she’s sprung a leak. her eyes stretched in opposite directions then bounced back in place. Lewis: Boing! "Is it not?" "If I had any acorns to give you, I would, Applejack!" Cheerilee's expression stretched in concern. Gl1m0: Cheerilee’s face is made of rubber. New headcanon accepted. Boop! "Are you feeling alright?" "The pony of mane most fuschia expresses worry. Fear not, citizen of horse horse. Lewis: Has the powers of a horse, but is really... a horse! Apple of Jacked unit functions at exceptional parameters." Lewis: Robot imposters. It’s the only way this can make sense. Gl1m0: Need an excuse for radical OOCness? BAM! ROBOTS! Is beautiful! "It almost sounds like you've lost your accent. Gl1m0: “Lost”? Pfft. It took a freaking holiday to the Caribbean, that’s what it did. It could just be a head cold." Cheerilee leaned a hoof forward to touch Applejack's forehead. "Have you got a fever—?" The farm mare's orange coat was red hot to the touch. Cheerilee squeaked in pain AJ: Lil’ known fact, Miss Cheerilee is actually part mouse. and jerked her hoof back, blowing habitually on it. "M-my goodness!" "An accent. Accessing..." Applejack's head tilted twenty-five degrees to the right... forty-five degrees... ninety. Gl1m0: Well, that can’t be good for her neck. Lewis: She’s that robot thing with the miniature people in it from Doctor Who! I’m calling it! "Accessing..." Suddenly, with a piston noise, it snapped back into position, followed by a flickering of the pony's forest green eyes. "Affirmative. An accent. We have one." Lewis: No ya don’t. Silence reigned. Lewis: Silence will fall when the question is asked. "Yes... well..." Cheerilee eventually spoke, smiling nervously. "I wish your luck in finding... erm... acorns!" "It is no mere acorn that we search endlessly for," Applejack droned, looking directly over Cheerilee's head. "It is the Heart of the Ancient Sciuridae Empire, acquired through countless years of strife and bloodshed with the Heathen Confederacy of Chipmunk Feudal States. Gl1m0: “It also looks really cool on a mantlepiece.” They believe that the Rodent Goddess built incisors out of bone meal instead of tree bark. They shall all perish in a thousand righteous infernos for their heresy most abominable." Lewis: Sorry, I zoned out. What was that about Jedi? Or wizards? Or... whatever? It kinda blurs together. Gl1m0: Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just waiting for the movie. "Yes, well, if you're looking for... uhm... fall decorations..." Cheerilee turned and pointed over her shoulder at the bustling center of Ponyville. "Then I suggest you stop by your friend Pinkie Pie's Sugarcube Corner. Gl1m0: “I hear she’s making... ‘candies’ right about now. She’ll ‘treat’ you well.” AJ: Ugh, there’s one flashback Ah coulda done without... She's just now baking the latest dessert treats for the upcoming Autumn Harvest Dance." "Sugar of Corner Cubes?" Lewis: Eh, close enough. Gl1m0: “Good enough, let’s move on people!” Applejack's voice rang with metallic curiosity. AJ: Spoiler alert: it’s ‘cuz she’s metallic. Cheerilee opened her mouth, lingered, and blurted, "Close enough. Have a pleasant afternoon, Applejack!" she sing-songed. "Of this we are in unanimous agreementsing." Gl1m0: …… (starts scribbling in dictionary) AJ: Sugarcube, ya know that Twi is gonna hate ya for messin’ up her dictionary, right? Gl1m0: I’m willing to accept the risks. Lewis: Make sure LOL is in there. With a jerky spasm, Applejack half-curtsied, then raised a hoof up to tip her hat. She jabbed herself in the eye instead, but made no show of it. "Fare your wells, Berry of Punch." Lewis: Okay, now all I can imagine is a BERRY... PAWNCH! in a Falcon Punch style. Gl1m0: She’d be the worst F-Zero pilot of all time. AJ: “Pardon me ma’am, but do you know you were doin’ seven-thousand in a four-thousand zone? Have you been drinkin’ tonight?” Gl1m0: “NO, OFFICER!” *hiccup* "Uhm..." The school teacher squinted. "I'm Cheerilee..." "Best of luck to your kicking of the fermented quaff." Lewis: Umm... Okay? Gl1m0: “Be sure to make it a double kick, otherwise it’ll just get back up.” Applejack lumbered away, her face plowing through a half-barren tree branch and snapping twigs loose with the brim of her hat. Gl1m0: Well, looks like AJ’s finally... (puts on sunglasses) ...snapped. AJ: (facehoofs) Once she was several yards away, she ducked low behind a pile of fallen autumn leaves. Lewis: “Leaf down, leaf down! Get a freaking medic!” The green irises in Applejack's eyes rolled back, exposing pure white sockets. With a whirring noise, her brown hat tilted up. Steam vented out of a hollow space in the pony's skull. A furry body rose up, bearing goggles over his tiny, fuzzy cranium. Lifting his goggles, a bushy-tailed squirrel looked through a pair of binoculars, performing a detailed survey of Ponyville's downtown district. Lewis: Called it. Gl1m0: Squirrels... Should’ve known. "Psssst!" A voice hissed up from the hollow in Applejack's neck. "Do your see our destination?" "I think I found it," the one with the binoculars muttered. Lowering the binoculars, he pointed with a clawed finger towards a bright pink shape in the distance. "Over there. The building shaped like discarded picnic refuse." AJ: What did you jus’ call mah Granny? Gl1m0: She is getting on in years you know, AJ. Lewis: I think we’re reading two separate stories. "What happened back there with the pony citizen?" "I don't know." The topmost squirrel grumbled. "I think some things were lost in the Translation Matrix. Gl1m0: He actually flunked out of Equish/Squirrelean Studies class, but it’s not like he’ll admit it. Still, she gave us some valuable information." "Then let's seal 'er back up and proceed with the mission!" Gl1m0: “Today, Pony of Village! Tomorrow... THE WORLD!” The voice down below chattered. "We've already lost a quarter of our reserve energy and we can't afford to waste anymore time!" "Copy that." With a grunt, the squirrel leapt down into the hollow of Applejack's skull. Lewis: Well, I’m not saying anything, but... A hissing noise announced the brown hat sliding back into place. Inside the pony's head, the pilot squirmed back into a plush seat situated in the center of a glowing array of sparkling lights and spinning instruments. After the hat hatch sealed above, a deep crimson aura illuminated the whole cockpit. A wide viewscreen gave birth to static ahead of the seated rodent, then flickered to a digital HUD broadcasting Applejack's forward point of view. Gl1m0: Applejack’s head has HDTV? Lucky... Lewis: Does it have Foxtel? Steam hissed to the left and right of the pilot as he gripped four controller sticks—two with his hands and another pair with his feet. His bushy tail curled around a lever, and the whole interior of the mech wobbled as Applejack stood back up on even hooves. "Alright, let's do this!" The pilot gritted his bucked teeth. "For the glory of Mother Rushnut—" Gl1m0: Good lord, communist squirrels? This can’t possibly be any worse. Lewis: And it’s about to get worse. "Captain Pliskinuts!" A voice shouted up from the steamy bowels of the pony mech down below. A sweaty squirrel chirped with a radio pawed up against his ear. "Incoming Priority One Message from General H.Q.!" "Unnngh!" Pliskinuts slumped in the pilot's seat, rolling his black eyes. "What, now?! There's no time for this!" "You'd better respond, Captain, or they'll self destruct this unit from remote! All squirrel secrets must remain hidden from the horse creatures!" Gl1m0: Also, they don’t like to share. Which means they don’t care. AJ: Ah don’t think Ah like these squirrels... "I know, I know." Pliskinuts slapped a switch and frowned ahead. "Onscreen." With a flurry of snow, a frowning face melted Lewis: And this is why you don’t splash. into view, complete with a scarred face and a green beret. Behind him, the transmission showed the enormous hollow of an oak tree covered in computer equipment with various rodents in uniforms working dutifully at their separate monitoring stations. Gl1m0: Except for the intern playing Solitaire. What a waste of resources. "Captain Pliskinuts! Come in!" "I read you loud and clear, Colonel," the pilot responded, keeping the ire down in his voice. Lewis: Down, boy! "I'm about to engage the next leg of the mission. What's the emergency?" AJ: “An’ why aren’t you wearin’ any pants?” "Pliskinuts, one of our operatives in the field has discovered that another member of Forage House may have infiltrated your location." Every squirrel inside the mech gasped, nearly dropping their instruments. Pliskinuts leaned forward, his toothy jaw agape. Lewis: While I am a fan of gapes, I really think your jaw shouldn’t be one. "Good heavens! Forage House?! You mean the secret combat organization that went rogue five years ago to perform mercenary assignments in the Everfree Forest abroad?!" Gl1m0: “The same bastards who used to beat me up for lunch money in secret agent school?!” "Yes," the Colonel said, his face reading cold and grim across the fluctuating transmission. "And Forage House's new sworn leader is allegedly none other than your own brother, Licken Snoodle. Lewis: Okay, what is up with that name? Licken Snoodle? Really? Gl1m0: Somehow, it’s even worse than “Pliskinuts”. So you must understand the gravity of this situation..." Pliskinuts, shuddered, gazing aside as he snarled, "Licken is no brother of mine. Not anymore. Not after what he did to me and..." He shut his eyes and palmed his face with a quivering paw. "... Gray Squirrel." Lewis: Aww, no stupid name. Gl1m0: You have raised my hopes, and dashed them quite expertly. "Yes, but the deadly virus he infected you two with also flows through his veins." Pliskinuts glanced up, blinking. "You mean..." He leaned forward in shock, his voice growling with a gravelly tone. Lewis: Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. "...Lickens is also a victim of the dreaded Forage Die?!" "Affirmative." The Colonel's face nodded. "So, as you can see, both of your days are numbered. If you run into him, do not allow your thirst for vengeance to take over." Gl1m0: “So just in case, we packed a couple cans of RetriCola into your lunchbox to stave it off.” The Colonel looked over his shoulder as the camera panned to show a superbly ticked-off mare with freckles and an orange coat bound and gagged to the inner wall of the tree hollow behind him. Gl1m0: Oh dear. I get the impression this isn’t consensual. AJ: Alright, I REALLY don’t like these squirrels now. "As you can see, it has taken us a great deal of sweat and hard work to get to this point. The mech that you are piloting, is the most technologically advanced prototype of squirrelkind: Mare Gear. Gl1m0: So... a Metal Gear crossover? Eh, still not the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. If we did not have this secret weapon in our arsenal, we would have forced you into a far less fortuitous expenditure, such as a one-squirrel-sneaking-mission." Gl1m0: “It would’ve been cooler that way, sure, but at least we aren’t trying to milk a franchise to death, right?” "Luckily, it did not have to come to that." Pliskinuts' eyes narrowed. "Colonel, I believe I have a lead on where the Heart of the Ancient Sciuridae Empire is located." "Good. Pliskinuts, pilot Mare Gear into the ponies' heartland and retrieve the acorn at all cost. The glory of Mother Rushnut lies in your paws." AJ: Must be pretty small glory. Lewis: The glory of your country; Now in handheld form! The camera panned away from the writhing farm mare and focused solely on the Colonel's emphatic glare. "Can we trust you to finish the mission?!" "Aye, Colonel, sir! You can trust in me to finish the mission!" Gl1m0: He couldn’t be trusted to finish his Almonds, though. He just nibbles, then throws it out. "Then do so!" The figure in the viewscreen brought a paw up to his beret to perform a noble salute. "And bring honor to all of our fallen rodents in arms!" The screen went to static, AJ: “Welcome to Static; Population: Insanity.” Lewis: “Don’t feed the pigeons.” then switched back to Applejack's feed. As it did so, a pale-faced foal with raspberry-red mane curls smiled plumply into the mech's face. "Why, thalutathionth, Apple Bloom'th bith thithter! Want thome thweet thinnammon thwirlth to take home to Granny Thmith?!" Lewis: I think that sentence was designed to be the most irritating sentence to read ever. Gl1m0: And least pronounceable. "Mare Gear!" Captain Pliskinuts shouted into a mic hanging above his cockpit seat. "Evasive maneuvers!" "Aye, Captain!" "Rear left hoof, locked and loaded!" Pliskinuts jerked on a control stick. "Fire!" he shouted. Lewis: He would have said “Fire at Will”, but Will’d been complaining about unfairness. The world beyond the viewfinder spun as Applejack twirled one hundred and eighty degrees, pivoted her hips, and bucked Twist clear over a wooden fence and into a clattering junkyard beyond. Gl1m0: AppleGear used Ultrabuck! Lewis: It’s super-effective! The sound of her foalish screams was muted by dog barkings and rattling detritus. Lewis: You MONSTER! "Target eliminated, sir!" a voice shouted from below, followed by the sounds of victory shouts and high-fiving paws. "Good! Now, no more delays!" Gl1m0: “Otherwise, we’ll miss the season finale of Doctor Who!” Pliskinuts adjusted several dials and instruments. "Lower legs?!" "Standing by." Lewis: Wow. Just... wow. "Front hooves?" "Standing by." Gl1m0: Oh, I get it! It’s because they’re legs... and they’re... standing. Yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head... "Interior and Exterior flank servos?" "Both standing by." "Navigation?" "Ready when you are, Cap'n." "Artificial Neurological System?" "I've got a few kinks Lewis: WHOA! AJ: Okay, now THERE’S an image Ah’d have done better without. Gl1m0: Though, it does explain why they had the real Applejack all tied-up in the base, though--(gets punched)--GAH! WHY MUST YOU HURT ME SO!? left to work out in the Translation Matrix, but all other systems are functioning optimally!" AJ: “In-Flight Entertainment?” Lewis: “Still down.” AJ: “Damn it!” "Good enough. Let's finish this." Pliskinuts took a deep breath and pushed forward on the controls. "In memory of Gray Squirrel..." With a grinding of gears and servos, Applejack trotted briskly forward. She crossed paths with a screeching stagecoach, knocked a gasping gray mailmare into a nearby thornbush, and scraped emotionlessly over a sidewalk, ruining three foals' chalk drawings and reducing the children to a crying mess. Lewis: C-c-c-combo! "Captain...?" A squirrel spoke in a feeble voice from the engineering bay down below. "Is it true what the Colonel said? About you and Forage Die, I mean—" "At your station, Lieutenant!" Captain Pliskinuts grunted. "All that matters now is the mission! I can't afford to have any of you distracted!" Lewis: “Do you know how much the tax is on distractions?” "Yes, s-sir. But of course, sir." Another voice shouted up. "Captain, sensors detect several life forms inside the dessert establishment dead ahead!" Gl1m0: I see Pinkie’s ‘gingerbread mare’ recipe has made an astounding leap forward. "Then we must proceed with caution, or else risk being detected." Pliskinuts swung his controls forward. "I see a door. We must enter the building somehow." Lewis: Open the door? "Accessing..." A voice muttered down below, then shouted, "Relaying pony-door opening instructions now!" "Affirmative." Pliskinuts twisted at the controls, licked his lips, and thrusted forward. Gl1m0: ……I’m just not gonna say anything. For my sake. AJ: Ah guess you are learnin’, sugarcube. With a thundering crash, Applejack plowed straight through the door frame. Lewis: ...That works too. She stood in the front entrance of Sugarcube Corner, twisting her head about as the dust settled and several splintery bits of wood clattered off her orange figure. "We have arrived upon the threshhold of cupcaking." Gl1m0: Oh, man... (writes down “cupcaking” in dictionary) ...Twi is gonna castrate me, I just know it. Lewis: You know what cupcaking is, right? The act of turning people or ponies into cupcakes, a la the story Cupcakes. Which makes this a heck of a lot funnier, if you think about it. Applejack faced the wide-eyed, blinking crowd within. "We desire the acorn and friendship, but mostly the acorn." Lewis: I love that line. I have no idea why, I just do. Gl1m0: Well, at least it’s good to see that Not-Applejack has her priorities straight. "Applejack! Awesomesauce!" Lewis: “Did you grab some? I’m nearly out!” Pinkie Pie bounced up from behind the counter. She frog leapt over the counter, plowed through a pair of elderly patrons, Lewis: This story is going out of it’s way to be the most horrible thing rated ‘Teen’. Gl1m0: Kidnapping, implied BDSM, violence against children, crude double entendres... yep, that’s a kid’s story. Definitely. and skidded to a stop right in front of Applejack, her teeth grinning wider than the earth’s equator. Lewis: KILL IT WITH FRICKING FIRE! "Just in time! Wanna check out the latest cakes I've baked for the Autumn Harvest Dance?" Gl1m0: “They’re vanilla-flavored! And they’re covered in spriiiinkles~!” With a squeaking noise, Applejack's neck pivoted towards the fluffy-maned mare. Her head pivoted to the side, whirred, then snapped back. After the green irises sprung back into their sockets, Applejack's mouth opened. "But of course, Twilighting the Sparkles. With great joy balls would we get fulfillment from thereby." Lewis: I think there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it. "Neato keano!" Pinkie Pie squeed. AJ: Aw, great. Ya got it all over the floor. She hoisted Applejack off her hooves with one limb and bounced merrily towards the kitchen, knocking the elderly ponies aside as they were trying to get back up. Gl1m0: The elderly just can’t catch a break nowadays. Applejack flopped and stumbled after her like a limp marionette as the pastel pink equine rambled endlessly: "At first I was thinking of baking a bunch of doughnuts with black icing and orange sprinkles because that would be in the spirit of Nightmare Night, Lewis: But it’s- but then I realized that it's far too late to celebrate Nightmare Night and besides too many ponies are afraid that stuff might go down again like it did last year with Princess Luna Lewis: But- and it would be way better to distract them by focusing entirely on the nature of the Autumn Harvest Dance instead, even if most ponies will be too full of sweet desserts to bother with dancing, unless of course they paced themselves in eating like my Auntie Pinkie Pie Lewis: Wait, you were named after your aunt? Gl1m0: GAAH! (rips papers to shreds) MY HEADCANON! IT’S RUINED! Lewis: You bother to keep a headcanon? I just let the individual stories do their thing. always said it was best to do—" Meanwhile, inside the pony mech, the squirrel stationed at the Translation Matrix was pulling at his scalp while the machine before him haphazardly spat out: ‘"—forced window upon the ultimatum sound with deleterious weather fowl crooked watersport piloting messages to severely criticize your...’" Gl1m0: That’s actually a pretty accurate translation. "What in Mother Rushnut's name is going on down there?!" Pliskinuts shouted. "I-I have no idea, Captain!" The squirrel whimpered and banged at the computer console. "She's speaking way too fast for the system to process!" Lewis: “She’s gonna blow!” ...What? I just saw the new Star Trek movie. One of the rodents at the rear legs spoke over the intercom. "Want me to fire a warning shot across her muzzle?" Gl1m0: Well, if they were to do that, I guess you could call it... (puts on sunglasses) ...shooting her mouth off. AJ: Sugarcube. NO. "No! Negative!" Pliskinuts grunted back, struggling to regain control of the mech's flopping body. "We can't risk the success of the mission! Now, calibrate for the loss of balance and bring her around so I can get a proper view of the—" Gl1m0: “--pink horse’s rear end.” (Gets punched, again.) AJ: Ah’m warning you again, pal... Just then, the viewscreen evened out. A towering cake loomed into view, atop of which there nestled a full, rich, enormous brown acorn. Lewis: That’s the acorn version of Filthy Rich! Pliskinuts' mouth hung open. "—target." Gl1m0: Oh, so I was right! (pauses) ...Please don’t hit me. AJ: Gettin’ very hard not to, sugarcube. "Heeheehee!" Pinkie Pie bounced around Applejack. She performed a pirouette and stood on her hind legs in the center of Sugarcube's kitchen. "Ta-daaaaa! Isn't it the most awesome autumnal cake of autumnal awesomeness you've ever seen?!" Gl1m0: An amazing airshow about absolute alliteration abuse! Applejack ticked, whirred, and ticked again. Gl1m0: She seems rather... “ticked” off. AJ: (threateningly) Sugarcube... Gl1m0: What? I didn’t even use the glasses this time! "Just essay!" Pinkie Pie blinked. She plopped back down on all fours with a twisted expression. "Huh?" Gl1m0: I used to love Twister. Key phrase, “used to”. Inside, Pliskinuts jerked at the controls and kicked at an instrument panel. Lewis: It was the trombone panel! "Translation Matrix! Pronto!" "Got it!" A fuzzy thumb's up broke through the steam below the pilot. "Green light, Captain!" Gl1m0: “STOP, RED LIGHT! Now green light… … … AH, AH! RED LIGHT!” Applejack's head swung like a pendulum before locking on the sight of Pinkie Pie. Her mouth hung open as the voice crackled forth, "A cake of supreme sugars, Twilighting Sparkleness. Most certain of you to please the flying princess of the horse horse." Lewis: The Adventures of Horse Horse, and his sidekick, Bat Bat. "Heeheehee!" Pinkie Pie leaned forward and ruffled Applejack's golden bangs behind her hat. "Silly pony! Celestia's sworn off both cake and blood transfusions for the next six months! Gl1m0: So, Celestia is a cake-eating vampire. Should’ve seen that coming. She said so in the last letter Twilight shared with us, remember?" "We remember blood rushing like geysers in the frozen courtyards of St. Petersbrittle." Lewis: “We really should have grabbed those noodle implements, but oh well. We didn’t need the noodle’s anyway.” "Oooh! Speaking of Twilight!" Pinkie Pie bounced out of the room. "I've got some really sweet blueberry muffins to send her! I even used her own recipe to make ‘em! Stay here, I'll come back and show you!" AJ: “Ah’ll just leave this amazing cake behind... with you... alone... and no one else... no one watching... no one to witness if anything bad would happen to it...” The doors to the kitchen swung to a stand still. Applejack was alone in the room... alone with the cake and the item of treasured glory mounting the top of it. Gl1m0: I can only guess what she’s not going to do. "Captain!" the navigator spoke up the neck chamber of the Mare Gear. "She has departed! The target is ours!" "How did it even get in the ponies' grasp to begin with...?" Pliskinuts thought aloud, hunched over on his controls. Gl1m0: Considering it’s impossible to actually “grasp” things with hooves, that seems like a fair question. "It's almost as if this whole absurd scenario was a delicate arrangement..." Lewis: Trollestia. Or whatever the squirrel version is. "Captain! The mission!" Pliskinuts snapped out of it, his face growing tight and earnest. "Right." He jerked forward at the controls. "Forward hooves, prepare to retrieve the Heart of the Sciuridae Empire!" AJ: Looks like we finally come down to... (slips on a pair of shades) ...the heart o’ the matter. Gl1m0: Wha-! You *hypocrite!* "Roger that! Engaging lateral motors!" "Adjusting for weighted variance!" Lewis: Weighted what-now? Gl1m0: “Variance”. It’s a measure of how far apart a set of numbers can be, and is usually utilized as a probability factor. AJ: ...And them fancy mathematics apply here... how? Gl1m0: In simple terms? The likelihood of your weight bringing you crashing to the floor. (gets slapped) AUGH! ...You know, this is the first time that being scientific ever made a girl slap me... AJ: An’ it won’t be the last, pard. "Steady... Steady..." Sweat poured down Pliskinuts' furry face as his goggled eyes locked on the target beyond the viewscreen. "Almost got it..." Just then, the doors swung open again. Instead of a bouncing figure, a yellow shape came into focus. Gl1m0: A circle, perhaps? AJ: Uh... triangle? Lewis: Ooh ooh ooh! A parallelogram! "Intruder sighted! Four o'clock!" Lewis: “But it’s only 2:30!” "Stabilizers!" Pliskinuts hissed. He glanced to his right. "Switch to Camera three! Identify!" The viewscreen flickered, displaying the far end of the kitchen where a golden pegasus with a pink mane trotted slowly towards the mech. With soft, aquamarine eyes, the pony blew loose a tuft of hair and stared at the Mare Gear solidly. Gl1m0: Oh, I get it! Ha! Haha... ha. All: ……… Gl1m0: ...So yeah, Fluttershy showed up. "I need info, soldiers!" Pliskinuts grunted. "Coming in now!" A squirrel down below fumbled to speak. "Name: Fluttershy. Occupation: Animal caretaker." He looked up, cupping a pair of paws over his buck-toothed mouth. "She's harmless! What's more, she's an ambassador between ponies and squirrelkind!" Gl1m0: “So, in other words, we’ll win for sure. BATTLE STATIONS!” "Ah yes, I've heard of her." Pliskinuts smiled. "Fluttershy the Kind. She nursed the Colonel's niece back to health after a terrible run-in with a griffon years ago. AJ: All she needed was some glue to put those shredded pieces back together, an’ bam! All better. Or at least, good enough to look better. Gl1m0: ‘Dem scars, though... The pegasus is a true saint, an angel." Fluttershy took two careful steps towards Applejack, twitched, and swung a violent hoof across the orange mech's face. Lewis: Ouch! Gl1m0: That looked rather painful. And terribly out-of-character. Lewis: Wait, what? Why’s it ending? Gl1m0: Beats the heck out of me. Although, that WOULD be one heck of a cliffhanger if anything... Lewis: I’ll give you that... Hey, Pinks! Pinks? Pinkie? (Silence) Lewis: I think she’s gone. AJ: Gone? Gone where? Lewis: Hell if I know. She’s Pinkie Pie. She doesn’t even exist in this reality at the moment. Anyway, I can send you on your way if you like. Gl1m0: You know, I think we’d both like that. Two riffs in one day is a bit... “much” for my tastes. AJ: Seconded... with joy... Lewis: Thirded. Anyway, (Proceeds to fiddle with the teleporter controls) where’d ya want to go? Gl1m0: Back to where I wanted to go in the first place; the CRF. The co-ordinates are secret, but... (whispers in Lewis’ ear) Lewis: Right, got it. I take it that it’s in Equestria? Gl1m0: You got it. Just... you know, roughly... underground. Lewis: Okay, all set. Gl1m0: Perfect... I guess this is goodbye then... Lewis, I think? Well, we hardly knew ye. Lewis: Trust me, Pinks’ll bring ya back. Anyway, off you go! (Flicks a lever) (Gl1m0 and AJ disappear in a glow of light) Lewis: Now to make up an excuse for Pinkie... 01: Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward DateTheAuthorGl1m0 (writing): “...And then Pinkiedash was a zombie.” Nah, too memetic... (Starts erasing.) (Unbeknownst to him, the door to his Writing Studio opens up, and two ponies walk inside.) Twilight: Wow, it's actually really clean in here. Much more so than some other places I know... Applejack: So Twi, uh... what are we doing here again? Twilight: The princess didn't have any more tasks for me, Pinkie is nowhere to be found, which is quite unnerving, and I could have swore that this house didn't exist on this block yesterday... so we're investigating. AJ: Okay, but *why?* Twilight: Part of my new "duties", apparently. Investigating any new arrivals, especially if they're from out of nowhere... AJ: ...Hey, who's that? (Points at Gl1m0.) And what's he... doing? Gl1m0 (still writing): “...And that's how Equestria was made.” ...wait, what? No it wasn't! (Erasing again.) Ugh, this is harder than it has any right to be... Twilight: I have no idea, I've never met him... but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's another writer. In the act, it would seem. Gl1m0 (writing): “...say he's another writer. In the act, it would”—(stops writing) Wait, hang on... Who said that? (Turns around and notices the ponies.) ...Oh. Hey. AJ: Hey yerself. Twilight: Uh, who are you? You're, like, the tenth human we've met this month... Gl1m0: Well, er... I'm TheAuthorGl1m0. Gl1m0, if you wanna shorthand it. AJ: Uh... who? Gl1m0: Gee. El. One. Em. Zero. There, got it? AJ: ...Ah guess? Twilight: That's not a very conventional name... although, thinking about it, which one of you humans doesn't have an unconventional-- (All of a sudden, the doors slam shut, and a sound of audible locking is heard) Twilight: Oh, come *on!* AJ: Dang it, Pinkie! Where don't you have a house rigged to trap us!? Pinkie (on TV): If I told you that, then how will I know that you won't try to hide? C'mon, these MSTs are too fun to keep to myself! Gl1m0: What the—how the hell did you get on my TV screen?! Pinkie: PBS! Gl1m0: (deadpan) Of course... Twilight: Well, Mr... Gee-El-One-Em-Zero... it looks like you're stuck with us. Gl1m0: Stuck with... what? Pinkie (on TV): Doing an MST of course! I do 'em with Primey and the other guys all the time; it's so much *fun!* Twilight: For a given definition of “fun”... Gl1m0: Er... so, what does that mean? Pinkie (on TV): ...really? You don't know what... ugh. (Whispers to Twilight.) He's such a noob. How can he not know? Really. Gl1m0: ...I can still hear you, you know. AJ: Ah think that was the idea, sugarcube. Pinkie (on TV): Anyway, I got a real doozy for you today! It's a story starring both me and Twilight, and it's called “Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward Date”! Twilight: Ew, shipping... Gl1m0: This is gonna suck, isn't it? AJ: Yep, a whole lot of it. And it ain't from no vacuum. Gl1m0: Ugh. Fine, let us have it... Pinkie (on TV): Okie-doki-lokie! “Cupcakes? Gl1m0: First word in, and I'm already terrified. Twilight: You learn to stop feeling it. Check! Punch? Check! Balloons? Check! AJ: Readin' a stupid fanfic? Twi & Gl1m0: Triple check. A bottle for ‘Spin the bottle’? Twilight: I can see a ship on the horizon... Gl1m0: And it's flying a red flag. Check! Phew! That’s the last thing on the checklist,” said Pinkie Pie as she showed Twilight the agenda. Gl1m0: “You see? I can math as gooder as you.” Twilight: But she forgot the index. It's never a proper checklist without an index. “You see, Pinkie? Twilight said, grinning. "A good checklist makes everything easier." “I don’t get it, Twilight.” AJ: “Why do we have to be in a bad fanfic? I just don't understand.” Pinkie was slightly confused. Gl1m0: Speak for yourself. “Why do I need a checklist. I always know what I need to prepare for a party and I keep that in my head.” Twilight: And that is possible… how, exactly? Gl1m0: She’s Pinkie. That’s the best explanation you’ll get. Twilight: Oh, silly me… “Um...” Twilight felt embarassed but she managed to make an awkward grin. “Yeah... Memorizing can sometimes work too until you forget something.” Gl1m0: Tell that to someone who’s ever forgotten a wedding anniversary. “My parties usually need just several things, Twilight. How could I forget about them?” Pinkie inquired. “You know,” Twilight said, taking the checklist and crumpling it up. Twilight: What a perfectly good waste of plot device paper. AJ: She’d better recycle it! “Checklists are usually used by well-organized ponies. You don’t need them.” Twilight: “Flowcharts are more your speed, I think.” Pinkie frowned and stared at her friend for a while. “Do you say I’m not well-organized?” she asked. Gl1m0: This story is so in-tense. Twilight: Er, wouldn’t it technically be the opposite? Gl1m0: Hence why I put extra stress on the “TENSE”. “Um... No, no, no. I didn’t say that,” AJ: “Spike said it! He can throw his voice really well, ya know.” Twilight wished she could teleport out of Sugar Cube Corner. She thought for a while, facehoofed and then teleported out of the confectionery. Gl1m0: Yes. Twilight Sparkle, one of the brainiest and most OCD unicorns in Equestria, [Twilight: “Hey—!”] the one who keeps a checklist for literally everything, the one who could memorize flippin’ War and Peace word-for-word… forgot she could teleport. Oh, but it makes perfect sense to simply forget it, even though she only teleports EVERY OTHER DAMN MINUTE. AJ: So, you’re sayin’ she’s acting out of character? Gl1m0: …*What was your first clue.* Pinkie folded her forelegs on her chest and groaned. Twilight: “Darn. I had my heart set on those cupcakes.” Twilight appeared just next to Sugar Cube Corner but she was out of Pinkie’s reach. She sighed and started to trot home. How many times more was she going to embarass herself in social activities. Gl1m0: How many times more would a question be asked without actually asking a question. How about you guys, do you know. Twilight: Not many, I hope. Yet why do so many writers forget to add the almighty question mark. Apparently, advices from the book did not work well in reality. AJ: Ah’m telling ya, the “advices” from those books are liars. Gl1m0: Lrn 2 plurl, noob. She read that a good friend should always be ready to give an adivce to smeone else. Twilight: …What the heck is an adivce? Gl1m0: And who the hell is Smeone Else? Is that a new French OC Alicorn I’ve not heard about before? Alright, where’s that gunblade I stowed away… AJ: Learn to spell, sugarcube… Either the book was wrong, or the advice was not good. Gl1m0: Or this story is stupid, and the plot demanded it to be so. Twilight: A good summary of roughly 90% of all the fanfics I’ve ever read. Twilight arrived at the library. AJ: Well, that was shortest walk ever. Twilight: The story-version me must have been exercising a lot… She opened the door and... “How long shall I wait!?” Pinkie shouted at her. Gl1m0: Oh my, randomly appearing in a place that she should not logically be? I… actually, I think this is the most in-character she’s acted so far in this story. AJ: Savor the moment, because it ain’t gonna last. “Gaaah! How? When? What!?” Twilight was so startled that she flinched and fell on the ground. AJ: Ah hope that poor ground is okay! Twilight: Its injuries sustained at the scene weren’t pretty, though. Gl1m0: Sadly, it would later die in a hospital. The ground will be missed by many. “Twilight! You, you, you insulted me! I’m not that stupid. Twilight: Ah, note how she says “not that stupid”. So, she’s basically admitting that she’s at least kind of stupid. Pinkie (on TV): HEY! How could you do that!?” Pinkie was on the edge of crying. That confused Twilight as Pinkie was rather angry when she left her in Sugar Cube Corner. Twilight: Wait… no she wasn’t! I mean, she seemed annoyed, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say she was angry… Gl1m0: You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry, so that’s probably a good thing. The unicorn had always suspected that her friend suffered from a bi-polar disorder she had read about in one book. Gl1m0: Now that’s… just plain inconsiderate. Twilight: Do tell. Gl1m0: I happen to have a couple of friends who are bipolar, and they’re still really great people to know. The fact that this story brings up the subject so abruptly… Well, it’s just a bit disrespectful, I find. “Well, I’m sorry, Pinkie. I’d just thought I could help you,” Twilight felt awful. AJ: As you rightly should, missy. Gl1m0: Being in a horrible fanfic is something that no one should be proud of. She looked away from Pinkie and took a deep breath. Gl1m0: Oh no, Spell Nexus is back! The story is now ruined *FOREVER.* Twilight: …Uh, who’s-- Gl1m0: Past Sins joke. Don’t ask. “Oh, Twilight. You never learn, huh?” Pinkie was in normal mood again. “Y’all not gonna believe!” Applejack shouted as she trotted up to her friends. Twilight: “Someone dun went an’ gave me a hillbilly ack-cent! Darn tootin’!” AJ: Wha… Ah do not talk like that! Gl1m0: (pauses, then bursts out laughing) Hahah, I’m sorry, but hearing Twilight try and speak with that accent is hilarious… Twilight: Thank… you? “Big Mac asked Rarity out!” Gl1m0: (feigning surprise) Oh my! A story that doesn’t pair Big Mac with Fluttershy! How amazingly original! “What!?” Twilight and Pinkie could not believe and were visibly shocked. “Yep, he just went to her and did it! Rarity was so shocked she couldn’t say no!” Applejack said excitedly. Twilight: Funny, I never took Rarity to be such a Yes-Mare. Gl1m0: Remember kids; it o-kay to say no! “Oh, that’s... great,” Pinkie let a small grin appear on her face but she quickly saddened. “Well, that was unexpected,” Twilight said. AJ: Nopony expected it, after all. Gl1m0: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH PLOT DEVICE!” Twilight: Great, now we’re dragging memes into this. Gl1m0: Kicking and screaming, yo. Twilight: (facehoofs) “Y’all don’t seem to be happy ‘bout that,” Applejack remarked. Twilight: Actually, I don’t mind at all. Nope. Good… for… Rarity. *twitch* Gl1m0: Somepony’s jealous, isn’t she~? (gets slapped) OW! That hurt! Twilight: Yes. Yes it did. Pinkie and Twilight instantly protested Gl1m0: -for their worker’s rights. Higher wages for all! and assured her friend that they are happy for Big Mac. Applejack was not so sure about that but she finally shrugged and trotted away. AJ: “Ah’ll leave them be to their lover’s spats.” “You look concerned, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Don’t tell me you had a crush on...” Gl1m0: Pinkie: “Doh, you got me Twi! I totally have the hots for Apple—” (gets slapped again) OW!! That hurt even *more!* AJ: Good. “No, no, no, no ,no!” Pinkie suddenly brisked up. Twilight: (Pulls out dictionary.) Hmmmm… “Brisked”… Let’s see… NOPE. (Throws dictionary away.) Improper word choice and spelling. That means I must now hate this story. Gl1m0: You’re only just coming to that conclusion now? (Removes fez, dons a fedora.) I guess that makes me a hater hipster. I was hatin’ before it was cool. “Twilight, please. Me and Big Mac? I wouldn’t date him even if he was the last stallion in Equestria.” “Well,” Twilight hesitated if she should continue but after a moment she added: “Maybe you like, you know, Rarity?” Twilight: Because insinuating that your best friend is a lesbian is the best way to strengthen a friendship. Uh-huh. Gl1m0: And that’s bullshit. Everyone knows that she’s totally into Rainbow Dash. Twilight: Cupcakes-wise? Gl1m0: No! The old-fashioned shippy way! C’mon, The Party Hasn’t Ended is one of my favorite fanfics, okay? AJ: Isn’t that the same story where Caramel has a gay crush on Big Mac? Gl1m0: …It’s a minor subplot! I never said I agreed with all of the pairings! Pinkie jumped as if something stung her. Gl1m0: Frickin’ bees, man. AJ: It’s a shame Pinkie’s allergic. She died on the way to the hospital. “Are you crazy Twilight!? I don’t swing that way!” she shouted at her friend. Gl1m0: She’s a lefty at hoofball! Come on, how could anyone forget that? “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I should really stop talking!” Twilight blushed and nervously closed her eyes. She couldn’t look in Pinkie’s eyes. Twilight: Pinkie had been taught the Stare by Fluttershy, so I was only taking precautions! She was ashamed of her behaviour toward her friend this day. Gl1m0: Indirectly insinuating she was an idiot, directly insinuating that she was gay… Yeah, I can see how you’d been red in the face. “If you want to know, I’m just jealous,” Pinkie said. Gl1m0: “That new Hoofstation 4 they got is so math.” “Well, I hope they make a great couple and so on but...” Pinkie sighed and started to bit her lip. AJ: It tasted like boysenberry. Gl1m0: Delicious. Twilight: With the slightest aftertaste of HORRIBLY TENSE-CONFUSED SENTENCES. Gl1m0: Ah. That would explain the overall gamey flavor of disappointment. “What’s that, Pinkie?” Twilight was curious. “It’s that I haven’t dated anyone since, um, I remember,” Pinkie said and started to sob. Twilight: This story’s Pinkie sure loves her mood swings… Gl1m0: Must be her time of the month. “How’s that even possible?” Twilight couldn’t believe her ears. AJ: And Ah can’t believe my brain is still followin’ this. Twilight: I can’t believe I’m still stuck doing these MSTs even though I’m a princess now. Gl1m0: I can’t believe it’s not butter! “You party nearly every night. You should have already met somepony you could date!” “Yeah but I’m always busy with organizing parties and Gl1m0: “-making my best friends into various baked goods and OH WAIT I MEANT, UH…” assuring myself that everyone has a good time that I don’t have time to meet anypony,” Pinkie said sadly. “Oh, Pinkie. You will finally meet somepony at some other occasion. Twilight: “Maybe you’ll even find one that’s your species!” Besides, you are not alone. Spike has never dated anyone as well.” Twilight grinned. “AAAAAH! HOW COULD YOU!?” Gl1m0: Very easily, actually. Twilight: I just say it. It’s not hard, you know. Spike, who overheard the conversation, AJ: That lil’ varmit! Listening in on conversation like that, the nerve! Gl1m0: Honestly Twilight, I thought you taught him better. Twilight: … shouted from inside of the library. He ran upstairs to his basket and hid under a blanket. Gl1m0: The soft linen barrier shall protect him from the ensuing shitstorm. “Do you want to tell me that you have dated somepony?” Pinkie didn’t expect that from Twilight. Gl1m0: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE—” AJ: Ya did that already, sugarcube. Gl1m0: …Seriously? Damn it, I’m already reusing jokes. “Yes,” Twilight said proudly. “But it was long ago.” Pinkie gazed blankly at Twilight and then cried loudly. AJ: Look Twilight, you went and made Pinkie cry! Twilight: Let her! This isn’t the Pinkie I know, anyway! Gl1m0: Of course. The Pinkie we know loves to torture us with terrible fanfiction. That’s so much better than a Pinkie with crazy mood swings. “Um, Pinkie. Please, stop! Please!” Twilight asked Pinkie and then looked around as if looking for some help. Gl1m0: Unfortunately, the only other one present was Tom. He’s no ladies’ man. AJ: But Ah’m sure that blade of grass might be willin’ to lend a hoof though. Gl1m0: Blade of grass? Excellent. I shall call him Bob. “It’s all my fault! That was not an okay thing to say to you! Stop crying and I will do whatever you want, just stop crying!” Twilight: Notice that she seems to be neglecting to add an “I’m sorry” in there. I say… let her cry. Pinkie stopped crying instantly. Gl1m0: Dem mood swings… “Everything?” she asked. Twilight: Um… no, I’m pretty sure I meant “anything”, not everything… Gl1m0: Error detected. (Slashes TV with a gunblade.) I feel better now. (A new TV instantly spawns in the old one’s place.) Gl1m0: …Eh, it was worth a shot. “Well, yes,” Twilight answered with a smile. Gl1m0: Twilight, you are — and I love you when I say this — an idiot. You just basically agreed to do whatever Pinkie’s twisted little brain can conjure up. Run a marathon? You’d better pack a water bottle. Build a statue in her honor? Grab that hammer, you’ve got work to do. BDSM sessions? Hope you like ropes. Lick her-- Twilight: OKAY I GET IT SHUT UP! Gl1m0: My ears...! “Ok, then date me!” Pinkie said happily. AJ: Well, that’s one way to come out of the closet. Gl1m0: And thus the ship leaves drydock. But they forgot to patch the holes. “Say what!?” Twilight sat on her hindquarters in disbelief. Twilight: “Pardon me, but after hearing such shocking things I must sit down and take a break.” “Date me!” Pinkie was till grinning. Gl1m0: Huh. I didn’t think it was possible to till a farm using grins. Twilight: It’s Pinkie. To Tartarus with logic. “But, but, but, Twilight: The, the, the, commas are too, too, too, numerous! you said you didn’t swing that way!” Twilight tried to refuse on the proposal. AJ: “Please do not litter on the proposal. —The Management.” “Well, yeah but you are an egghead who couldn’t help me find a stallion to date but you can actually date me!” Gl1m0: It’s a rare thing to see, but I think the logic in that sentence actually imploded midway through. I’m surprised there’s no singularity forming yet. Pinkie giggled. “This way I won’t be sad that I haven’t dated anypony. Besides, when was the last time you dated somepony?” AJ: Ya really want to know? Go ahead, Twi. Tell them about the Prom. Twilight: Y-you promised me you wouldn’t tell anypony!! AJ: Ah promised not to tell anyPONY. (Gestures at Gl1m0.) He ain’t a pony. Twilight: …… Gl1m0: …Um, so what happened at the prom-- (Gets wing-slapped.) --OKAY, NEVER MIND! “Um, well,” Twilight tried to avoid eye contact with Pinkie. Gl1m0: Careful; just one look and she'll turn you to stone. AJ: ...Pinkie ain't a cockatrice. Gl1m0: I was actually thinking more along the lines of Medusa. With her hair, I'm totally sure Pinkie can pull it off. Because she couldn’t find Twilight: -the plot device. a good answer, she finally gave up. “All right, Pinkie. I’ll date you,” she said resignedly and added nervously: “But nopony can know!” Pinkie frowned. “Twilight! How could I date somepony who doesn’t want to be seen with me?” Gl1m0: How couldn't you? Hell, eighty percent of the celebrities in Hollywood do that all the time. It's not, you know, hard or anything. AJ: Eh... what's a 'hollywood'? Some new tree I've never heard of before? Gl1m0: Simply put, it's a place where hopes and dreams are sent to die. “So, maybe date Spike then?” “Please, he is a baby! And a dragon. A relationship between a pony and a dragon would never work out!” Pinkie said as if it was something obvious. Twilight: The many hundreds of shipping fic authors out there would strongly disagree with that claim, Pinkie. “WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?” Spike shouted angrily from inside of the library. Gl1m0: Okay, HOW can Spike possibly hear them by now? Didn't he "run off upstairs" a few paragraphs ago? Twilight: The acoustics in the library are actually quite impressive, you know. I think it's not too unreasonable. Gl1m0: But he hid under a blanket in his bed, and everything! Surely, he couldn't have heard! AJ: Well, apparently he did. And don't call me Shirley, sugarcube. “What’s got into him?” Pinkie wondered but quickly forgot about the dragon and asked Twilight again: “So, where do you want to go, Twilight? “Maybe, let’s go indide?” Twilight suggested uncertainly. Gl1m0: No, Twilight. I do not want to go in your "dide." “Oh, silly. We can’t do that on our first date!” Gl1m0: She was expecting to get to third base already? You're bold, I'll give you that. Twilight: So in other words, no clopfic. Pinkie (on TV): Nope, it's totally clean! AJ: Then why does it make me feel so... dirty? Pinkie laughed. “Let’s go to the restaurant! I’m gonna pay!” Twilight: "-for this, of course. Oh, by the way, you're footing the bill." “Oh, horseapples...” Twilight murmured and followed Pinkie. Pinkie led Twilight to the restaurant. Both mares sat at a table and waited for the waiter. Twilight: Such a glorious description. Or rather, the lack of such. Gl1m0: If this story were any more abrupt, I'd need a seatbelt. AJ: And an air bag. “What a lovely place, isn’t it?” Pinkie smiled. Gl1m0: "You know, even though we have no idea HOW lovely, 'cause the author never bothered to describe it." “Uh, Pinkie, we eat here quite often,” Twilight said. She was nervous because she hoped that she won’t be forced to do anything that would reveal the fact she was actually dating Pinkie and not just eating dinner with her. AJ: Lil' did she know, Pinkie had planned a game of Spin the Bottle later on. Gl1m0: Awkwardness level at 25%... Unfortunately for Twilight, that fact was revealed very quickly. By Pinkie of course. When the waiter came, he asked what they wanted to eat and then Pinkie exclaimed: Gl1m0: "Hey, get outta here man! Can't you see I'm trying to get lucky tonight?" “Something special! This is our first date!” Obviously, many ponies overheard that. Twilight blushed and covered her face with her hooves. Gl1m0: Awkwardness now at 60%, and climbing... After the waiter had gone, Twilight whispered to Pinkie: “You didn’t have to say that.” “Oh, silly! What kind of a first date would that be, if we didn’t do something special?” Pinkie asked rhetorically. AJ: "Why, with you, it would be the best dang date ever! ...wait, what do you mean that was rhetorical?" Gl1m0: 75%... Twilight sighed and began overhearing conversations. Twilight: No doubt they were complaining about the terrible service. AJ: With everypony so interested in watching the date, Ah don't think they even showed up for the food. Gl1m0: "I ordered my hay fries THREE HOURS ago! THREE. HOURS. AGO! ...Oh look, marital conflict!" She couldn’t hear everything exactly and was under the impression that everypony in the restaurant talk about her and Pinkie. Gl1m0: So... many... past tense... fuck-ups... HATE... Twilight: ...I'm not even upset anymore. I just. Don't. Care. Anymore. “Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, please make it stop, make it stop,” Twilight murmured with a muzzle under her hooves. Gl1m0: 83%... “Twilie, our date has barely started! Oh, look! The waiter is coming!” Pinkie exclaimed. Twilight: Super ADD Powers GO! The waiter brought two plates with a half of a heart made of hay and daffodils on each one. Gl1m0: Yes, this story is tagged as "Romance". We know. You can stop reminding us every nine seconds now. Twilight rolled her eyes and facehoofed. “This is not happening.” She groaned. AJ: At least the story's Twilight is in the same wagon as us... sorta. Gl1m0: 95%... “It can’t be any...” The unicorn bite her tongue as she realized that every time somepony says that cliche, something worse actually happens. AJ: Now that's just absurd. Since when has anything ever gone wrong? Derpy: I just don't know! Gl1m0: What the--how did YOU get in here?! ...Wait, a second, where'd she go... Twilight: That mare moves faster than Rainbow Dash sometimes... At that moment Rainbow Dash stormed into the reastaurant. Twilight: I almost read that last word as "beastaurant"... (shudders) Gl1m0: Aaaaaand, BANG! The awkwardness meter exploded. “Dinner time!” Rainbow exclaimed. Gl1m0: No, it's ADVENTURE TIME! (draws gunblade and holds it upward in triumph) She saw Twilight and Pinkie. Twilight: With what, a saw? That's rather violent. Gl1m0: Oh god, a reverse-Cupcakes... with horribly inconsistent past-tense... somebody please kill me. AJ: Later, sugarcube. “Hiya, girls!” “I haven’t finished that sentence!” Twilight yelled. Gl1m0: And we haven't finished the story. How much is left again? Twilight: We're well more than halfway through, so that's somewhat comforting... Everypony looked at her. “Don’t look at me!” she said resignedly and covered her muzzle with her hooves. Gl1m0: "I'm too ugly! I'M TOO UGLY!" Rainbow flew up to her friends’ table and what she saw confused her a bit. “Girls? Why are you eating halves of heart?” Twilight: "Well, why not? The heart is considered a delicacy in many underground societies." she giggled. “Are you having a date?” Rainbow waited for her friends’ reaction on her joke but instead of nervous denials, she saw Pinkie Pie grinning and Twilight slowly hiding under the table. “No way!” Rainbow fell on the ground and began rolling on the floor laughing. After a while she bounced back and asked: “No, girls, are you serious?” Gl1m0: In regards to the story? Hm, what's your response? Twilight? Applejack? Twilight: About my hatred of the bad word choice, and occasional past-tense/present-tense toss-up? Yes, entirely. AJ: Ah get the feeling this story tries to be serious... but... Ah just can't take it seriously, ya know what Ah mean? “Yeah! That’s my first date ever!” Pinkie exclaimed and hugged Twilight over the table. Gl1m0: She didn't even care that she had to knock over all the stuff that was already on the table, she just went for it. “Pinkie, please... Ponies are watching,” Twilight whispered. AJ: "We can do that "S&M" thing you were yapping on about later, okay?" Rainbow looked around nervously. “Oh, I, I, I didn’t know that you two, you know, um, swing the other way, so, um, I’ll be going now, heh,” Rainbow Dash said as she was slowly going back toward the door. When she was close to it, she abruptly flew out of the door with a panick in her eyes. Gl1m0: Oh, she'll be kicking herself later on for not asking about the possibility of a threesome. (Gets hit by Twilight.) OW! ...Worth it. Twilight: It's like you want me to keep hitting you... “Gah, now everypony will know,” Twilight whined. “That’s great, isn’t it!” Gl1m0: "Yes. It's just fan-tucking-fastic." “Pinkie. That was going to be only one date. Not two, not three! One!” Twilight was getting angry. “Sure thing! The only date!” Pinkie acknowledged the number. Twilight: The power of the number is indeed deserving of recognition. AJ: Ah never cared much for fancy mathmatics, so... Gl1m0: Inconcievable! NO ONE DISSES THE NUMBER! “So why do you want everypony to know that we dated! They’ll think we prefer mares! How are we going to find stallions then!?” Twilight started to breathe deeply. Gl1m0: ...Insert Spell Nexus joke here, even though you ponies won't get it. Pinkie (on TV): Hey, I get it! Gl1m0: I didn't ask you! “Hm... Well, I haven’t thought about it,” AJ: Said the author when he was asked what the point of this story was. Pinkie said, “you should have thought about it. You are the smart one in this couple!” “We are not a couple!” Twilight yelled. Everypony looked at them again. Gl1m0: "Ooh, romantic conflict! Screw the food, this is what's for dinner!" One of the clients said: “Why do you embarass your marefriend in public? You should solve your problems at home.” Other ponies present in the restaurants nodded in agreement. “You should apology to Pinkie no matter if you dump her or not.” Ponies made agreeing noises. Gl1m0: The Law of Apathy clearly states, that in the event of one individual of a crowd making a statement or suggestion aloud, the rest of the crowd will ALWAYS agree with that suggestion, no matter how stupid or illogical it sounds. No exceptions. Twilight gnashed her teeths, Twilight: LEARN TO PLURAL, YOU NOOB! AJ: Woah, calm down... Twilight: But these grammatical absurdities incite RAGE in my being...! Gl1m0: This had better be done soon... took a deep breath and said softly: “I’m sorry, darling.” “Oh, that’s nothing, sweetie!” Pinkie smiled. Everypony in the restaurant started to applaud. Gl1m0: Part 8 of the Law of Apathy states that, in the event of extreme unopportunity, the crowd with nevertheless display their approval at the callous expense of another's dignity. There are simply no exceptions. Twilight was embarrased as she had never been before. AJ: Y'know, if that "meter" hadn't of exploded by now... Ah'm sure it would be readin' about 340%. Twilight: And climbing by the second... “Please, somepony kill me...” Gl1m0: Hey, I have to wait for my execution, so you'll just have to deal with waiting too. Tough luck. she murmured and... began to eat her meal. “Great date, isn’t it? Pinkie asked after a while. Twilight: MISSING: Right-side quotation mark. If found, please do not return to its original owner. Donate it to a story that DESERVES it, please. “Firstly, you didn’t want to go, then everypony stared at us and then applauded. How cool is that?” “Yeah. Cool,” Twilight answered coldly. Gl1m0: Heh, I guess you could say she just gave Pinkie... (puts on sunglasses) ...the cold shoulder. AJ: Uh... yeeeeah? Gl1m0: ...You disappoint me, Applejack. (throws away glasses) I am so disappoint. “I’m so happy you enjoy it, Twilight,” Pinkie said calmly. Twilight: .......... Gl1m0: Gonna comment on yet another present/past-tense muck-up? Twilight: Actually, I was just going to say I never would've enjoyed it... “I always wanted my first date to be fun-tastic! And it is!” Twilight grinned awkwardly. Well, she was helping her friend after all. She repeated in her mind that she was saving Pinkie from being depressed. AJ: By pretendin' to be on a real date, even though it's fake. ...Right. Twilight: Seriously, what is the point of all this?! How can a one-off fling with a friend possibly make her all happy forever after again? Gl1m0: ...Magic of friendship? Hell, I dunno... It kept her sane. “All right. Now tell me what you like in me!” Pinkie exclaimed. Gl1m0: "Well, if you insist, I'd really like to put my--" Twillight: EW, FUTA! Gl1m0: ...special recipe of brownies in your stomach, you know, 'cause they're yummy... Twilight: ...Oh. “Say what?” Twilight was actually too tired to look confused. She just look at Pinkie in disbelief. AJ: Land sake's girl, get outta that disbelief right now! You'll stain yer coat! “Well, Twilight, you should compliment me. For example, you could say something about my eyes. Or my coat. Or my mane. Do you like my mane?” “Meh, I like your mane,” Twilight said coldly. “Oh, you need to put more heart into it!” Pinkie looked leniently at Twilight. “Gaah, AAAAAAaay looooooooooooove your mane,” Twilight said sarcastically. Gl1m0: ...Am I the only one who read that as "Gaaaaaaay looooove your mane?" Twilight: Oh Celestia, the pain... “Well, A for an effort.” Pinkie smiled and stuffed her mouth with hay. Gl1m0: And B is for botulism! AJ: C is a crisis, like this fic. Twilight: And D is for dead, which is what I want to be RIGHT NOW. Both friends fnished their meals in silence. Gl1m0: Little known fact, I love to "fnish" my meals. It's adds a sense of intrigue at knowing I can kill spelling just by jamming food in my craw. Pinkie smiled happily all the time, while Twilight was visibly angry and was giving murderous looks around. Twilight: I could commit first degree murder just by glaring at somepony. It's that bad. “Well, that was great! Now, I should walk you home!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Might I walk you home instead? You live closer to the restaurant,” Twilight asked indifferently. She knew she’s not going to convince Pinkie. All: THEN WHY DID YOU TRY?! “No, silly! I asked you out and I gotta walk you home! Gl1m0: Dating logic is best logic. Twilight: Still a more conceivable logic that Pinkie Pie. Let’s go!” Pinkie encouraged her friend to leave the restaurant. After they had went out, Pinke quickly returned to pay the bill. AJ: Pinke was Pinkie's cousin from Timbucktu. She carries the cash, and Pinkie is the getaway mare. “That’s my chance!” Twilight thought and galloped away. Unfortunately, Pinkie was already waiting for her hidden behind a wooden crate. “Where are you going, Twilie? We shall WALK home.” Pinkie giggled. Twilight: Well then, if we must WALK, then we shall WALK. Not a trot, or canter, or walk, we are going to WALK. Gl1m0: Also, did she just say "Twilie"? ...This Pinkie is actually Shining Armor in disguise, I'm calling it now. Twilight sighed. “Okay, let’s get this over with.” Twilight walked slowly toward her house while Pinkie jumped excitedly around her. At one moment they saw Rarity and Big Mac walking from opposite direction. Big Mac looked like the happiest stallion in Equestria Gl1m0: Well, looks like someone's getting lucky tonight. while Rarity, well, was horrified. When both ‘couples’ passed each other, Rarity whispered to Twilight: “Help me!” Twilight: "Hmm... nah." Gl1m0: Hah, I bet this is retribution for Rarity's Generous Plan. Twi & AJ: Thanks for reminding us of that story... Gl1m0: Anytime. Twilight understood her friend. That day was a real nightmare but it was going to end. She decided she was going to think later about probable gossips but they were not important right now. She could alredy see her house what made her feel relieved. Gl1m0: "Phew, finally I can use the bathroom!" When they finally arrived at the door, Twilight took another deep breath and said: “Well, Pinkie. It was the weirdest date ever. I hope you had a good time. And I hope this was our last date.” AJ: "An' here's my fake phone number, so you'll never be able to call me." “Okie-dokie!” Pinkie exclaimed. „But there is only one thing left!” Pinkie giggled. Twilight: Ugh, just look at that. This fic is so shoddily put together, even the quotation marks are falling off. Gl1m0: Not even duct tape can save it now. “What now?” Twilight groaned. “Well. I walked you home, right? Then you we need to kiss each other before I leave! That’s how it usually goes!” Pinkie explained joyfully. Gl1m0: "Or at least, that's what that article on Reddit said. I can trust those, right?" “No way! I agreed on the date, I was embarassed in the restaurant and the whole town is gonna gossip about us for weeks! I’m not gonna kiss you!” Twilight shouted in anger. “Oh, come on, Twilight! You’ve been through so much today! You’re gonna feel better after the kiss!” Pinkie encouraged her friend. “I said no!” Gl1m0: Embrace the power of the no! “Twilie, Twilie! Pleeeeeease! That’s gonna be my first kiss! I think I should kiss someone special!” Pinkie fell on the ground. Her eyes became wet. Twilight groaned. “For Pinkie,” she thought and said aloud: “One short kiss. And nopony can know.” “Sure thing!” Twilight closed her eyes and leaned forward. AJ: And then fell on her face. Laughs were had by all. Gl1m0: She should have watched out for that banana peel Pinkie slipped under her hoof moments ago. She felt disgust. She was not into mares at all. Twilight: The fact that you were on a date, and are now about KISS her notwithstanding, of course. But she was not too assertive as well and now she was about to kiss Pinkie. She felt even more disgust as she touched Pinkie’s mouth. Gl1m0: With what? Vague fic is vague... Twilight: For my sake, I hope it's not with anything other than a hoof... These few seconds seemed to last forever. Gl1m0: The slowest and most undescriptive kiss in fanfic history. That's rather impressive. AJ: Eh, Ah've seen worse... Gl1m0: Oh, do tell. AJ: Later. “Gotcha!” Pinkie shouted and began laughing. “What!?” Twilight opened her eyes. She was touching Pinkie’s elbow with her muzzle. “Pinkie!?” Twilight: "You little TEASE! You can forget about movie night!" Pinkie laughed hysterically. “I can’t believe, Twilight! You’re so naive! You really thought I was dating you for real!?” Pinkie giggled. “You are such a crack-up! I had a great time! That was like my est joke ever! Gl1m0: The estest joke in a long line of est jokes. Well, see you later” Pinkie trotted away laughing. Twilight stood in place for a longer while. She couldn’t think of anything. “T’was a... j-j-joke?” All: Princess Luna?! she stuttered and after a few seconds, she went into her house. “Gotta read something before I freak out...” she thought and opened the first book in sight. Gl1m0: 'How to Properly Apply Brain Bleach'... Twilight: An international best seller! THE END Gl1m0: Finally! Now, can we please get the hell out of here-- AJ: Hold up sugarcube, it looks like there’s still more… Gl1m0: What?! …Ugh. This story lies to me. Twilight: It’s nothing but lies. Later at Sugar Cube Corner. Twilight: Yes, but how much later? An hour? A day? A week?! Ugh, why is this story so insistent on withholding so much information?! Gl1m0: That happens to be considered a crime in many circles. “Pinkie, we need to talk,” Mr. Cake said grimly. AJ: "There's been a huge smell coming from the basement... You wouldn't known anything about that, would you?" “What’s up, Mr. Cake?” Pinkie asked with a grin. Gl1m0: The ceiling, of course! ...I'm sorry, but I had to. Twilight: (facehoofs) “Well... Our sales went down recently and, um, how to put it delicate... Twilight: "I had to sell your hacksaw collection. I know they meant a lot to you, but those things make a killing on the black market." We need to fire you, Pinkie,” he said. Twilight: Out of a cannon, that is. Gl1m0: To the moon. “Oh, silly. You can’t do that!” Pinkie giggled. “What? I’m the owner!” Mr. Cake frowned. Gl1m0: And she's Pinkie Pie. Your status has been overruled, buddy. “Yeah! But, you know, I’m into mares! Everybody’s seen that! Twilight: ...Um, no you're not. I don't care that anyone saw what they saw, but you ADMITTED it was a joke. And it was a bad one, at that. Gl1m0: Wait a second... this was Pinkie's plan all along! She'd fake a date, make it seem like she was gay, and then abuse that status to gain benefits! Twilight: That... is one of the stupidest plans I've ever heard. Gl1m0: And the sad thing is, some people actually get away with this... If you fire me, that will mean that you discriminate against me! You know what I mean?” Pinkie said jumping excitedly around Mr. Cake. Gl1m0: Oh, I do. Apparently, Pinkie is best troll. AJ & Twi: Agreed... Pinkie (on TV): D'aww, I love you guys too! "Um, You are ggoing to sue me, if I fire you?" he asked uncertainly. Twilight: Of course not. She's just going to be very, very disappointed in you. "Exactly!" Pinkie exclaimed and giggled. “Oh, horseapples...” Mr. Cake said and closed his eyes. Gl1m0: This story is full of bull. The Cakes can't just fire Pinkie. One does not simply… wait, is it over now? Twilight: It… yeah, it’s done. Gl1m0: Oh, thank god… AJ: Hey, it could’ve been a heck of a lot worse. Twilight: That’s true… Actually, this story was pretty… tame. A bit stupid, but still, at least it kind of tries to be a story. Gl1m0: Yeah, but it just happened to end up being a sucky story. Nrgh… mediocrity… it burns… Pinkie Pie (on TV): Well, I thought I’d go easy on you this time, y’know, ‘cuz you’re a noob and all. Gl1m0: …… Twilight: Don’t take it too personally. You did do pretty good for a first-timer, though. Gl1m0: I… thanks, I suppose? I’m not sure if being told I’m capable of being a snarky asshole is something to be proud of, though… (All of the windows and doors unlock and open, much to the trio’s delight.) Pinkie Pie (on TV): I suppose I better let you guys out now, but let’s do it again-- (Twilight runs out the door before Pinkie can finish.) Pinkie Pie (on TV): —sometime! Hey, where did Twilight go? …Aw, darn it! I was gonna give her a hint on what the next story I would show her would be! AJ: (deadpan) Well, gee. That’s terrible. Darn shame, that is. Ah’m sure she’s missing out. Pinkie Pie (on TV): Mmm… Oh well, it’ll be more fun as a surprise! Heeheehee! AJ: Well, Ah’m outta here. Ah need to lie down when I get home… (Applejack leaves the house, but leaves the door wide open.) Gl1m0: Hey, you forgot to close the door! Applejack! Apple—ugh. She left. Rude… Pinkie Pie (on TV): That was fun! We should do it again sometime, huh? Gl1m0: I’d really rather not… but, I still can’t understand how you managed to rig MY STUDIO to become basically a prison, without me even noticing. Pinkie Pie (on TV): There’s a lot of things you don’t understand about the world, Glowy… Gl1m0: Uhh… “Glowy”? How did you-- Pinkie Pie (on TV): Well, see ya next time Glowy! Gl1m0: Hang on a second, Pinkie, you aren’t going to-- (Pinkie pushes a button, and the TV turns off with a blip.) Gl1m0: —be doing this again… aren’t… you… Ah, dammit… *Riiiing… Riiiing… Riiiing…* Gl1m0: Hmm…? My cell phone? (Pulls a phone out of his pocket, and answers it.) Hello? ?????: *Heeeey, Glowy! Wassup man? How did that thing with Pinkie go?* Gl1m0: How did you know about—you know what? Never mind. When’s the next time the CRF is coming around this area? ?????: *Eh, about another day or so. Why you ask?* Gl1m0: Listen, I’m not quite sure how, but… I think Pinkie knows. When you bring it over here, I want you to… (Trails off into a whispering.) 07: Making Muffins (with The_Silent_Hero47)07: Making Muffins (with The_Silent_Hero47) Gl1m0: ...Well, this is just great. Stuck in the so-called “realm between continuities.” Isn’t this just dandy. It’s dark, quiet, I can’t see shit, and I swear to god Screwball, STOP BREATHING ON MY NECK AND STRADDLING ME! Screwball: I can’t help it! It’s really freakin’ cold in here, too! (shivers) AH-CHOO!! ...See? Gl1m0: I never asked to be stuck here with you. I don’t even know how the hell we got here! Lucy: Bark! Gl1m0: Exactly! I don’t understand anything around here anymore. ???: *What’s there to understand? Trying to understand nothingness only succeeds in bringing on a nasty headache, really.* Gl1m0: What the hell... Who’s there?! ???: *Oh? Sorry, lemme introduce myself. I’m... YOU!* Gl1m0: WHAT?! But... that can’t be! It’s impossible! ...I don’t sound like *that!* ???: *Search your feelings, you know it to be true!* Gl1m0: N-No! I refuse to accept this! ???: *MUHAHAHAHA... Okay, not really. Technically, I’m your creator. The author of this story, you could say. But, we share the same name, so... we’re kinda similar, in a way.* Gl1m0: But... I don’t believe in creationism. Hell, not even Scientology! How are you my CREATOR? ???: *Your head will probably explode if I explained fully, so... better not. Just know that I made you, and you pretty much always do what I say.* Screwball: Ooh, so if you told him to dance like a drunken Diamond Dog, then he’d do it?! Gl1m0: SCREWBALL! ???: *Naturally. But, I have better things in mind than just childish fun like that. ...We’ll save that for later.* Screwball: Aw, yes! Gl1m0: ...well, fuck me. Well, what are we going to do, then? And HOW, pray tell, are we going to do it? It’s fucking freezing in here. ???: *Ah, sorry... I forget the little things like that. One moment...* [[The darkness clears away, and the trio find themselves inside some kind of Ponyville house.]] Gl1m0: ...The hell? Why are we on the surface again? ???: *Technically, you’re not. At least, not the same “surface” that you knew beforehand. This is a different reality; an altogether different canon from your own.* Gl1m0: ...Wait. Wait wait wait. Are you saying... we’re in another dimension?! ???: *Well... that’s a bit of a heavy-handed way of putting it, but... I suppose that’s right. You see, when you added an out-of-universe fanfic to the CRF’s main containment archive*-- Gl1m0: That wasn’t even my fault! It was those... those Game Over guys, or whoever they were! They bailed before the core imploded, but they were still kind of responsible for it happening in the first place! Screwball: Well, you could have stopped those ponies, couldn’t you? Jeez, it was even written down in the manual! ...That you wrote! Gl1m0: *SHUT. UP.* ???: *...As I was saying, when you did that thing, it sort of... well... Damn it, this sounds SO cheesy. *sighs* May as well get it out... The out-of-universe nature of the fanfic proved incompatible with the processing system, blah blah blah, the resulting implosion of bad fanfiction ripped apart a hole in the fabric of reality, yadda yadda yadda, you three fell inside, etcetera etcetera... and then you met me, I helped you out of there, and now... here you are.* Gl1m0: That’s like... every terribad science fiction cliché come to life. (gets down on knees and pounds head into the floor) FUCK. MY. LIFE. ???: *Now now, don’t go damaging that pretty little head of yours. Mine. Whatever. Anyway, in just a few moments, someone will enter the room, and you’ll be doing a story riff together.* Gl1m0: ...what? ???: *You heard me. Just take this story here.* [[A stack of papers materializes in front of them.]] Gl1m0: How the...? Screwball: Ooh, magic tricks! Can you make a rabbit disappear? What about pulling a bunch of flowers out of a hat? Huh? Huh? ???: ...No. This story? I wrote it myself, just so a poor soul such as yourself--myself? Hell, I dunno--can riff it. Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Well, fuck me. Not again!” Gl1m0: How did you...?! ???: *What part of “author” didn’t you get? Anyway, I can’t stick around for long. Hell, you probably won’t ever hear from me again. But I hope you have fun in this new universe, eh? I’ve got a few surprises waiting there for you! Seeya~!* Gl1m0: Hey--wait! WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND! ???: *...what is it? Make it quick, man. I gotta catch a bus.* Gl1m0: Are you saying we’re TRAPPED here?! What about the CRF?! Th-the containment field was broken, there could be--! ???: --huge consequences for all parties involved, yadda yadda, so on and so on. Trust me, I’ve planned everything out. It’s gonna work out, trust me! Can’t assure you that everyone will come out unscathed, but--ah, fuck, my bus is here! Gotta go...! [[The voice... goes away. Somehow.]] Gl1m0: …He’s... gone? How the hell does a voice from nowhere go away? Screwball: He was kind of a weirdo... I like that guy! Lucy: (whines) Gl1m0: Yeah, he kinda freaks me out too. Silent: (falls from the sky) OW, DAMN IT DISCORD WHY CAN’T YOU REMEMBER I LOST MY WINGS! (looks at Gl1m0) Huh? Gl1m0: Well then... that happened. Um... who are you? Silent: (Gets up and winced at his tiny nubs that were his wings) My name is Silent Hero, former alicorn guardian. And you are? Gl1m0: Er... I’m TheAuthorGl1m0. And don’t bother trying to pronounce it correctly, no one ever does... Screwball: Just call ‘im Glowy! He loves it. Gl1m0: ...This is Screwball, by the way. And that other mare with us is Lucy. Lucy: Bark! Silent: Is Lucy okay? She seems more..... canine. Gl1m0: (mutters) You’re telling me... Yeah, she just thinks she’s a dog. Screwball wanted to keep her, despite my protests... Silent: Okay, so Discord never told me why I’m here... The last thing I remember is sitting at my couch waiting for Apple Bot to get home.... then, boom! Here I am. Screwball: Meh. Boring. We were trapped between dimensions! Gl1m0: Shhh! ...Um, please ignore her. We’re just as lost as you are, trust us. Silent: (takes off his shades) Trust me, with everything I’ve been through, I don’t ask many questions anymore. Besides... (looks at Gl1m0 with his Sapphire eyes) ...I think I’ve heard of you before. Gl1m0: ...Really? If we’re in another universe, I don’t see how that should be possible, but... alright then. (remembers the papers that were left on the ground) Ah... right! That creepy voice left behind this story... Silent: How did I know Discord only wanted me for a riff? Screwball: Eh, beats me! He’s fun like that. Gl1m0: Right... we’re supposed to riff this... But, without our teleprojector, how could we? Unless... Silent: Well, when Discord sent me here like a month ago from earth, I had a few things with me. Let me check really quick. (shuffles through his vest pockets) Uh, I have a phone that can record for almost an hour, would that do? Gl1m0: ...Phones. God, it’s been forever since I’ve seen one. (spaces out for a moment) ...Oh, err... sure, that’ll do. I guess. Silent: How many copies are there? I would really like to save this one for the pit when I make another soul stealer. Screwball: ...I don’t know why, but I like you, guy! Gl1m0: Ignoring... that last... remark, uh... (checks papers) ...He left us like, twenty pages of the same thing. Goodness, this is rather short... Silent: Good. Short, sweet, and down to the point. Let’s do this before AB finds Vinyl helping me clean up the place. Gl1m0: Alright, fine let’s have a look at this... Hmmm... “Making Muffins”... Well then. Lucy: Bark? Silent: Wait, am I seeing this right? It says you wrote it here, Glimo. Gl1m0: ...WHAT? Lemme see that... (eyes go wide) ...what the actual fuck? That voice was telling the truth...! Silent: (trying to sound like Vin Diesel) Let go at this motherfucker then! Gl1m0: Yes, now I’m rather curious as to what “I” even wrote... Screwball: IT BEGINS! ...YET AGAIN! Muffins. Making muffins. Derpy Hooves liked making muffins. Gl1m0: That’s true as far as the fandom is concerned, I guess... Screwball: Actually... Gl1m0: ...well, shit. Hell, she LOVED making the dang things. It’s not hard to imagine making muffins being her secret fetish, for Luna’s sake. Silent: Making Muffins... (scribbles on a notepad) I think we’ve found over 10,000 things that Regi finds as fetishes. Gl1m0: ...’kay, I dunno who Regi is, but if he has THAT many fetishes, I don’t care to know. Oh, but she liked eating muffins most of all. Gl1m0: I would certainly hope so. It’s better than doing... other things with them... Silent: Oh great, another person who thinks having sex with inanimate objects is fine.... why do I get stuck with the weird ones? The blueberry ones, especially. Screwball: Eh... I dunno, those banana nut ones are DA BOMB! Gl1m0: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Screwball: Destroyer of Muffins and Disposable Income! Silent: Also eater of metal works. Yum. Ingredients aren’t that hard to come by, really. Gl1m0: Yes, it’s called a GROCERY STORE. Look it up. Silent: (looks through medieval times dictionary) Nope, not in here. Anypony can make muffins. No one just finds the time to bake anymore, which is sad. Not making muffins is sad. Silent: Okay, what type of illegal drugs were you taking when writing this story? Gl1m0: But I didn’t write it! At least it wasn’t... you know... “me”... Screwball: Oh reeeeally? Gl1m0: ...Yes really. Shut up. It made Derpy sad. You sick bastard, you just made Derpy cry! How could you be so cruel with your not-making-muffin demeanors?! Screwball: Hey, we didn’t even do anything, man! Gl1m0: I love how this story is trying to paint the reader as the bad guy... Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 1. I don’t even know you anymore, man. You’re dead to me. Gl1m0: What a jerk. Silent: You say as you look in a mirror. Gl1m0: But, there’s just no way I could have wrote this! Screwball: (COUGH) Yesyoucouldhave (COUGH) ...But, it didn’t matter a whole lot in the end, I guess. Ponies will be ponies, and at the end of the day, they’ll do whatever the hell their tiny little brains can conjure up. Silent: So what exactly came up in this pony’s mind? Like kicking trees. Silent: Oh, well then.. Seriously, who’d be that crazy enough to kick a tree? It’d probably hurt like hell. Not that Derpy would know of course, she’s never been stupid enough to kick a tree. Gl1m0: Part of me is glad that Applejack didn’t stick around for long, otherwise I imagine I would’ve received a hoof to the jaw for that line. Silent: Just wait, somehow I’ll get back to Ponyville. Gl1m0: Er... you’re not gonna tell her about this, are you? Silent: Na, you’re nice. I won’t tell AJ about this. But I do plan on burning these afterwords. Not that stupid, anyway. Silent: How many ponies can you offend? Gl1m0: At this point, I don’t even care to keep count. There are benefits to living isolated underground, you know. I mean, there WAS that incident with the thundercloud, and the town hall getting trashed or something, but she didn’t give two bucks what other ponies thought of her antics. Gl1m0: She was flat broke, anyway. Why? Screwball: Because reasons, shut up! Because she’s Derpy-frickin’-Hooves, man. That’s why. Silent: Close enough, Screwball. Here, have a treat. (throws a butterscotch at Screwball) Screwball: SWEET! (starts nomming on the treat) Gl1m0: ...Sure, leave me hanging. I’m not important or anything. Screwball: Stop being so butthurt, Glowy! (continues to nom) Silent: Oh hey, look at that! Two more butterscotch candies. Here. (tosses Gl1m0 one) Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you. Gl1m0: ...Duly noted. (begins quietly chewing on his candy) You don’t mess with the Derps. Screwball: Else, she gon’ buck you UP! Silent: Is Derpy a ponyfied version of Duke Nukem? Gl1m0: According to this brainfart of a story, apparently so. Anyway, I think I’m getting off-topic. What was I talking about? ...Baking muffins? Alright, back to that, then. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 2. Gl1m0: ...This should be a drinking game, or something. Ya see, Derps had just picked up this sweet new kitchen stove for her cloud house. Of course, it was a really, really heavy stove, and the damn thing just fell straight through the floor as soon as she put it in place. It probably hit some unicorn on the head or something underneath, she didn’t really know. Or care, really. Silent: And what’s that supposed to mean? (Horn glowing) Gl1m0: Er... I’m not quite sure? ...Please don’t kill me. Silent: I’m THE Hero of Silence! I don’t kill out of free will. That’s Rogue Knight you’re talking about. Screwball: Oh, really? Then how come you talk so much, chatty? That’s not “silent” at all, man. Silent: I don’t ask for anything in return, I just go in, save the day, and move out. That’s all. I mean, everybody’s gotta have a social life. Gl1m0: ….. *coughs* Screwball: Yeah, uh... er... Lucy: ...Bark? Silent: Can I please fix that one? (points to Lucy) Gl1m0: “Fix” her? Lucy: (yelps, and hides behind a nearby lamppost) Gl1m0: Er.... she’s had her shots, thanks. Silent: I can “fix” her... you know that, right? Gl1m0: Fix what? She’s not broken, at least, not as far as I’m aware... I mean, she DOES think she’s a dog, but aside from that... Silent: Last offer. Gl1m0: ………*sighs* …Fine, I guess. I still don’t get this, but... Silent: Okay then. (Horn glows and he uses an ancient spell that he was taught) ...That should do it. Lucy, that’s her name, right? Anyways, how do you feel? Lucy: (blinks, and comes out from hiding) ...Fine, I guess. What’s there to feel? Gl1m0: …................. Screwball: …............... Lucy: Um... are you two okay? Gl1m0 & Screwball: HOW THE *FUCK?!* Lucy: My ears...! Silent: I was taught that from a blind mage near the Crystal Empire. She was nice. Gl1m0: ...But... but but... but but but... Screwball: ...Woah. That. Is. *AWESOME!* Lucy: I’m sorry, but... what’s the matter? Was it something I said? Silent: Ah, right, I forgot to give her memory back. Um, so Lucy, that is your name. Before we met you started acting like a dog, barking and howling and whimpering stuff like that. I asked Gl1m0 here if I could try to “fix” you, which I did just now. So here we are. As to how all of you met... I have no idea, but I was introduce to these guys from Discord sending me here for no reason at all except for riffing. Lucy: ...Oh, right. I see--wait a second... I was acting like a *dog?!* Gl1m0: Er... ever since the day we met, actually. Screwball: Yeah! I was all like, “Can we keep her?” and Glowy was all like “No!” but I kept buggering on about it and he gave in eventually... Lucy: Well, of course I remember you two... We’ve been together for years, now. Processing those fanfics... we had good times. But to think... a dog, all this time... Silent: I know my way must’ve been harsh for you Lucy, but it was the only way for me, at least. Gl1m0: Well then... I’m... not quite sure what to make of all this... Lucy: Um... Mr.... Silent Hero, right? ...Thank you. Silent: You can just call me Silent. And anytime for somepony in need. (Shadow wings appear) Damn it, I hate it when Discord does that. Anywho, Lucy, are you mentally fit enough to riff? Lucy: I’ve been doing this for years, Silent. And while I might have been acting... canine, I still know what I’m doing. Gl1m0: ...I just realized something. I spent these past years learning to speak dog, and now, it kinda seems like a waste of time. *sighs* Son of a bitch... Silent: Hey on the bright side, if and when you get back to earth, you can be a dog trainer. Gl1m0: Uh... earth, right. Right. Er... *coughs* Silent: ...What are you? A pony trapped inside a human? Gl1m0: Not... exactly. I’m human alright, and I’ve been on earth, but... that’s just the thing. I have memories of earth, but as far I can tell, I’ve been living in Equestria all my life. Silent: Huh, guess Celestia didn’t know about you. I’m still trying to find my way home... Although, I’m not sure if I want to. (opens a pocket and looks at a picture of him and Apple Bot via magic) I wouldn’t want to leave her alone. Anyways, let’s get back to riffing. Sound good? Gl1m0: ...Ah, right, right. Almost forgot... Lucy: You’ve always been forgetful, Gl1m0. Gl1m0: ...Not even gonna ask. It was her own damn fault for insisting on being there, though. Lucy: It’s not like she can help it, you know. Gl1m0: Apparently double jeopardy doesn’t work as well for unlucky now-princesses like it should... Hey, anything could happen, but you would think that she would have seen that thing coming. Clouds weren’t meant to hold up all that heavy shit, anyway. It’s why you rarely see a fat pegasi; those puffy little clouds can’t handle all that blubber. Silent: But, wait Snowflake..... he has the smallest wings. Gl1m0: To be fair, most of “that” is muscle. Which weighs less than fat. Screwball: ...Always the science-y junk with you, isn’t it? How do you explain the wings then, Mr. Scientist? Gl1m0: (shrugs) Because magic. Silent: DAMN IT THAT ACTUALLY WORKS HERE! And no, Derpy’s plot doesn’t count. Stop asking. Gl1m0: ...But we weren’t. Lucy: I love how most fanfics assume that Derpy’s rear is “heavy”. Silent: Damn, you beat me to using that. Gl1m0: Well, she always was the sharpest out of us... Silent: Oh well looks like wits have to come quicker to me then. So then, the poor mailmare had to go and ask Pinkie Pie, obviously the only other pony in Ponyville who could help, to use her stove. Pinks was pretty chill with it, and decided to give Derps the go-ahead. Which was really nice of her. Silent: But there’s a catch right? There’s always a catch. Lucy: Unless it’s a fishing club, then I wouldn’t think so. Those cupcakes of suspiciously dubious origin were finished, anyway. Silent: Nice “Cupcakes” reference there, bucko. Gl1m0: ...Thank you? But once again, I must assert that I did not write this fic. Silent: That’s not what this paper says, man. (Shows him the front page) See, by “TheAuthorGl1m0”... I think I pronounced that right. Gl1m0: … (twitches) ...I’m burning this later. Silent: So am I, my friend. (pats Glimo) So am I. The ingredients were all there, of course. Flour, sugar, asbestos; Screwball: Ooh, and don’t forget those toenail clippings. Them’s is good stuff. Silent: And I’m never eating things from you again. Like I have before. Gl1m0: And now you know why we order take-out food. everything needed to either make muffins, or poison an entire boardroom meeting. Which is really fun, by the way; next time you’re ever cooking for The Man, give it a try. Never before has getting revenge for those over-inflated taxes ever felt so awesome. Silent: I might try that to a certain “Lord of Chaos” next time. Discord: (through whole room) I heard that! Silent: OH COME ON, CUT ME SOME SLACK DUDE! Screwball: (giggles) That’s Discord for ya! Speaking of awesome, guess who flew inside right when good ol’ Derpy was ready to bake? Gl1m0: I’m gonna guess... a swarm of parasprites? Screwball: Ooh, a buzzard! Lucy: Um... a bird? Silent: Knowing how this fanfic is going I’m going to say... Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash, of course. Gl1m0: Eh, he called it. Silent: I should’ve made a bet on that. Naturally, the daredevil pegasus chose to ask her why the heck she was there, and Derps responded by saying, “Oops, my bad!” or some other stuff to that effect. Lucy: ...You know, spouting a non-sequitur in such a place wouldn’t be the smartest idea. Then again, we are talking about a Derpy that seems about as bright as a lump of coal... Gl1m0: Also, story, you do know that she doesn’t have to quote lines from the show all the time, right? Silent: At least she hasn’t said, “I don’t know what went wrong”. Derpy has a way with words, you see. Gl1m0: Hence the reason she wasn’t jailed for causing roughly ten-thousand bits worth of property damage to the town hall. Silent: I thought that was because Applejack would pay for that. Gl1m0: Exactly. Derpy hocked the charges off on AJ. Screwball: (scoffs) What a cheapflank. And then she got kicked out into the street. You know, kinda like that leech of a cousin who says he’s gonna get a job, but he doesn’t, and then you get kinda pissed off and no matter how many times you threaten to break his legs, he still insists on staying and mooching off of your cookies and soda, so you finally kick him out into the street. Just like what RD did to poor Derps. Jeez, what a bitch. Silent: Oh, look. Fourth wall breaking attempt number 3. Screwball: Eh, at least he remember to use the proper word this time, unlike that other weird story with that sports-loving Gary St-- Gl1m0 & Lucy: Please don’t remind us of that fic. Silent: I’m lost here... Gl1m0: Don’t. Even. Ask. Silent: I’m planning on not doing so. Anyway, brave Derpy Hooves isn’t the kind of mare to give so easily, no sir. She went ahead and visited every one of her dear friends all around town, Gl1m0: ...How many friends does she even have, again? Like... three? That’s not a lot of choice, really... Silent: Hey, don’t be mean to Derpy. She’s awesome, and way more. Gl1m0: Well, alright, but it’s not like I know her personally or anything... Silent: I’ve met her a few times.... she broke my mailbox. Gl1m0: How cute. Screwball broke the dimensional barriers. Screwball: Not like it was hard, or anything. Silent: Uh, I’m not gonna ask again. to see if any of them would be ever-so-kind enough to offer her usage of their muffin-making devices. What’s the “mainstream” word that people use, again? Stoves? Sure, let’s roll with that. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 4. Dude, you were high or something when you wrote this, right? Or at least majorly bored? Gl1m0: I... DIDN’T... WRITE THIS! Some creepy voice that said it was “me” wrote it! HE’S the one who gave it to me in the first place! Silent: Fine, fine I won’t tease you about it anymore. Screwball: Aw, but where’s the fun in that? Silent: I see fire in his eyes. I am STILL needed in Ponyville. But for some weird reason, most of them completely ignored her. Either that, or they’d talk to her one minute, and then look away and act as if they don’t even remember her anymore. Gl1m0: ...Why is this reminding me of my very limited experience with other human women? Silent: Oh, man if I ever get out of here I still have two more years of highschool left... Which is strange, because that kinda reminds me of that one really long and sappy fanfic about that random background pony written by that one really popular guy who’s apparently obsessed with leggy princesses and random shit blowing up. He’s pretty cool, I suppose. Silent: What story is this author talking about? Because I’m WAY lost. Also fourth wall breaking attempt (low whisper) Mombo, number 5. Gl1m0: Honestly? ...No idea. But then again, I’m not familiar with most fanfics aside from the worst ones, so... The ending sucked, though. Silent: Just like every fanfic I’ve riffed so far. Man, I’ve been riffing so much here that I’ve been riffing books I’m reading. GOOD, PUBLISHED, BOOKS! Gl1m0: Riffing is life, man. Lucy: I suppose it tends to latch on, like a habit... or a leech, rather. (casts a look in Screwball’s direction) Screwball: ...Heeeeeey, what’s that supposed to mean? Lucy: Nothing at all, I was just wondering if you were as smart as you didn’t appear. Screwball: ...Oh. Thanks! Lucy: (giggles) Oh, you’re too much... Also, I kinda feel like I oughta mention that Derpy doesn’t get why so many ponies are bitching about getting paired up with other ponies for no particular reason at all. Gl1m0: Blame the fanfics. All of them. They’re to blame. Silent: What about mine? Gl1m0: ...Well, I haven’t read any, so, I can’t say for sure. But to be nice, I’ll say... no? Silent: Well, I did write a fanfic where Discord had a crush on Celestia... but I’ll just leave it at that. No real shipping there. For some reason, a bunch of ponies think it’s HER fault. Apparently, they think she got a job as a matchmaker or something. But, c’mon people, Twilight x Blueblood? The Derps don’t ship that. Really. Be serious now. Screwball: Hahahahahaha... no. We are never serious. Silent: She did however ship Rainbow Dash with a sink, so... Gl1m0: Shipped with EVERYTHING. Friggin’ knew it... Anyway, it seemed pretty obvious that Derpy wasn’t gonna get to bake any muffins after all. Which is a darn shame, ‘cause they’d probably taste like a slice-o’-heaven. Silent: How do you make Butterscotch muffins? Gl1m0: With effort. Lucy: And preferably, a very long pole. Or just muffins. Either or, really. Lucy: Why can’t this story ever make up its mind? Silent: Because the reason. So, sick and tired of all this bullshit about baking muffins, Derpy throws up her hooves and yells, “BUCK IT!” before proceeding to the nearest grocery mart, and simply buying some freshly store-baked muffins for a dime a dozen. Gl1m0: ...Is it just me, or did this story switch from past to present tense all of a sudden? (twitches) HAAAAAAAATE... Silent: I don’t know anymore. I just wanna go home, drink my cider, and hug my marefriend. That’s all I want in life. Lucy: ...I envy you, actually. And who cares if dimes aren’t even a real Equestrian currency? Ever hear of inflation? Those little hunks of metal will be worth billions one day, trust me. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 6. Gl1m0: I’m starting to wonder if there was even a “wall” to begin with. It’s probably more like a freakin’ window. Come to think of it, where did “bits” come from, anyway? I know there’s that little jingle that goes, “shave and a haircut; two bits!” and all, but I still don’t get it. Why not call them something cooler, like... Screwball: Snoodles! Lucy: ...Snoodles? Really? Silent: Shpoopale? Gl1m0: ...Uh, loonies? Like... Gl1m0: Like... like... like... Silent: It’s a scratched record! Someone call anypony but MY Vinyl! Goins. Silent: Goins? Yeah, goins. Silent: ...Am I really talking to this story? WHAT THE FUCK ARE GOINS? You know, like “gold” and “coin” mixed together. Bits are made of gold, after all. They are made of gold, right? Or... maybe some other yellow metal. They could even be made of friggin’ painted wood, for all you know. Gl1m0: ...Well then. Apparently this story is SO fourth wall aware, it’s actually speaking to us riffers. It’s like it *knows...* Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempts numbers 7 and 8. Holy shit, we’re almost in the double digits. Screwball: Eh. I’ve seen better. Hell, I never read that guide book. Don’t ask me. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 9. Oh great... I feel like a cop in supertroopers. Gl1m0: Ugh, if anything, this sounds like a story that Screwball would write. Screwball: What? No way! There aren’t nearly enough scenes with cool-looking explosions for it to be me. Gl1m0: ...As long as I live, I’m not letting you go near a pencil or paper. The world isn’t ready for the Micheal Bay of the written word. Lucy: And never will be. Derpy heads back to her less-than-humble abode with her muffins in tow, and decides to give one a quick taste test. It tasted like raspberries. Silent: Okay, so having a rare muffin choice is not so ba-- And bubblegum. God, I love bubblegum. Silent: ...Do I even want to ask? Gl1m0: For our sakes, please don’t. Why do I like bubblegum? Gl1m0: Ah, FUCK. Too late. Well, it’s a long story, and it involved a turnip, a bucket of paint, and three extremely drunk and kinky mares. I’d rather just leave it at that, folks. Silent: What!? I’m sorry, I didn’t catch all of that! Lucy: …… (twitches) Gl1m0: I’m... not sure what to make of this. ...Seriously. Quit asking about it. You’ll never survive. Silent: Ugh, I’m not liking this story by the second. Gl1m0: You’re only just now coming to that conclusion? I hated it the moment that it claimed it was written by “me”. Silent: Well, yeah, of course you would. As I was saying, Derpy had just returned home with her awesome to discover something terrible: some bitch had stomped apart her flower garden! Screwball: AND! THAT’S! TERRIBLE! Silent: Please don’t become Rarity.. Or bitches, as the case might be, as she then noticed those three really crazy fillies that are always trying to find ways to get those tattoos on their thighs. Gl1m0: Taking bets! Who says that these AREN’T the CMC? Silent: Any takers? Screwball: … (starts to raise her hoof, but Gl1m0 swats it down) Silent: Nope, okay! Let’s go on. Yep, not flanks—THIGHS, people. Everyone calls them blank-flanks, but just so you folks know, that is NOT the correct term. Lucy: ...To be fair, that is technically correct. Screwball: Bah, what do YOU know? It’s a fanfic, Lucy. Silent: Uh, I just wanna go home now. Gl1m0: Wishes were made to be unfulfilled, I’m sad to say. Horse flanks are nowhere near where those tattoo things are supposed to be—what are they called again, cutie marks? Yeah, those. Silent: After fighting numerous monsters and saving a few ponies, yet I STILL haven’t gotten my cutie mark... not like I care, or anything. Gl1m0: Well, at least that’s one personal crisis I need never worry about. Screwball: I got a cutie mark. It’s cool. See, see? (shows off her flank) Gl1m0: ...Uh, yeah. It suits your name. Lucy: And mine is... well... Silent: What is yours anyway, Lucy? I tend not to care about cutie marks. Lucy: A... (looks at her mark) ...screw. Well, I... don’t know what to make of that... Silent: Well.... you DID act like a dog.... Gl1m0: I guess it means you had a... screw loose, maybe? Not sure what it means now, though... Silent: I’m still being made fun of by freaking fillies because of this, but then I threaten them with my trusty soul stealer blade. Gl1m0: Ah... that would certainly cut a conversation short. Get your facts straight, folks. Jeez. Gl1m0: ...Come to think of it, that was fourth wall breaking attempts 10, 11, and 12 we just read through. Just... wow. That’s all I can say. Silent: Damn! I was supposed to keep count... Anyway, those fillies were trying to get their thigh tattoo in gardening or something, but even the Derps could see that they were the epitome of epic failure in that department. Gl1m0: This is coming from Derpy, right? And she would know this HOW? Lucy: From experience, I guess. Silent: That, and all around town you can hear “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS INSERT SUBJECT OF WORK HERE!” But still, being the awesomely kind and nice mare that she is, Derpy let those three get off scot-free, without a spanking. Lucy: Wouldn’t that... technically be foal abuse? Silent: Maybe.... Lucy: Ungh... (shivers) I... don’t want to think about that... She was totally telling their mothers, though. Screwball: Jeez, Derpy is such a tattletale. Silent: I remember when my garden got torched... She ended up becoming my marefriend. Gl1m0: The fires of love doth burn bright, this summer evening... I just made that up. Silent: Sounds almost like Shakespeare... but you need more lengthy sentences. Speaking of fillies, the Derps has a little filly of her own, wouldn’t ya know. All: We *do.* Gl1m0: And fanfic authors will NOT stop harping on about that fact. Silent: Ugh.... hate sucky stories... And she’s probably the most fucking adorable thing you will ever lay your squishy mortal eyes on. Screwball: Do I sense a CHALLENGE, story? Silent: Highly doubt that you can beat Apple Bot being cute. NOTHING can beat Apple Bot being cute. Her name? Dinky. And don’t laugh! Even though it’s a really silly name, if you dared laugh at it, then the Derp WILL find you, and she will not hesitate to fuck you up. Lucy: Beware the strange ones, I guess... Silent: There is no reason anypony should be afraid of me. Gl1m0: Meh, haven’t seen enough. Though I will warn you about Screwball... Screwball: FEAR ME! RAWR! So watch out, pal. Screwball: Because she’s an evil enchantress, and she’ll put you in trances~! Silent: That bitch still owes me tacos.... I’m talking to her after this. Also Fourth wall breaking attempt number 13 and 14. Derpy went back inside her house, and gave her little Dinky a great big bear hug. (She’s not really a bear of course, but that’s the closest thing I could think of when trying to come up with a half-decent description.) Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 15. Gl1m0: Why. WHY. WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS POINTLESS SHIT, STORY. Silent: Because it can, “you”. Gl1m0: ...I am going to punch that “Author” in his nonexistent face. Silent: Have fun with that. And then, they both shared in some of the muffins that dear old mum had bought for them both. I gave myself diabetes trying to come up with a more accurate description, so in the interest of a longer lifespan, I’ll simply leave it at that. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 16. Gl1m0: I kind of wish that he did die while trying to recreate the “cuteness”. It would save us so much trouble. Screwball: So... you wanna commit suicide, or something? Silent: Now, Gl1m0, that’s no way to talk about yourself. Gl1m0: ...fuck you guys. Fuck you all. Silent: Lucy didn’t do anything. Gl1m0: Well, no, but... Guh, I can’t even go one day without being politically incorrect, can I? Lucy: I, uh... I’ll just be over here... While they were eating their awesomely-store-baked muffins, cute lil’ Dinky turns to her mum and asks: “Mommy, why was Rainbow Dash licking the spot where Pinkie Pie pees out of?” Gl1m0: I’m sorry, let me read that again. ...WHAT. Silent: Thanks, now I’m temporarily deaf. Screwball: ...WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! To which Derpy simply smiled and replied, “Well, they were making muffins, my little muffin.” Silent: I’m going to repeat my good friend here, and say... WHAT!? Gl1m0: I just... I can’t... HOW. Screwball: Also, *TITLE DROP!* Lucy: How “clever”. Sexual innuendo was hidden in the title, and that was the only warning we ever got about this. Ya see, Derpy don’t subscribe to that birds ‘n bees bullshit; she tells it like it is. Screwball: Eh, I kinda wish my parents were like that. I had to learn all the stuff I do through OTHER means. Lucy: Oh? Such as...? Screwball: The internet, silly. Now, as soon as Glowy takes the lock off that server box... Gl1m0: Screwball, I put a mature-filter proxy on our connection for a REASON, you know. And then, Derpy proceeded to lecture innocent little Dinky on the importance of true love, interpreting the ideal mate, and the many safe sex practices. Silent: Okay, this story is whacked out! I’m so glad this is almost over! Gl1m0: TELL me about it; it went from “Meh” to “WTF” in five seconds flat! Lucy: Well... that’s nothing new, really. Silent: But out of all the stories in the world, I was less prepared for a Derpy story becoming like that. Gl1m0: This HAS to be a trollfic... It... it has to be! Licking the place a girl pees out of wasn’t among them. Silent: I wonder why? (Insert Very Heavy Sarcasm here) Screwball: Because of the excuse. (Insert Complete Cluelessness here) Gl1m0: I just don’t give a shit anymore... (Insert Utter Apathy here) So yeah, that’s pretty much how her day went so far. Just a normal, average day in Equestria for the Derps. Gl1m0: Yeah, I’d kind of hesitate to call that “average”! Silent: Or even normal. This is a dream on acid or something. Kickin’ back at home, with one leg wrapped around her Dinky, and a kickass muffin cradled in the other. Lucy: For whatever reason, I’m picturing Derpy in that pose from... what movie was that, again? Gl1m0: Ah... Tony Montana, from Scarface? Except, you know... minus the cocaine, and gun. Silent: I’m having a very hard time wanting to just get up and leave now. Gl1m0: I wouldn’t worry about that too much, we’re just about done... U jelly, non-Derps? Lucy: ...Not really, no. Silent: (Holds up a pic of him and AB) I’m good. Gl1m0: As much as it pains me to say it... I’d rather keep with what I have now. Screwball: Awwww, Glowy~! Gl1m0: ...Oh wait, then there’s YOU, of course. Silent: Aw, come on, don’t be mean to her now. She’s only having her fun. Screwball: Ah, whatevs. We love making fun of eachother like this. Gl1m0: If not for the occasional mindfuck, then for the sheer hell of it. Silent: (nods) Sounds about right. All right, I should get going then-- Screwball: WAITWAITWAIT! We still have...! ~END~ Screwball: Ka-boom! HAPPY END! ...Okay, now you can go. Silent: (sighs) I’m so glad I live in the marketplace. Gl1m0: Well then, that was certainly... something. I don’t think I’d wanna do that again... But anyway, now we can finally dispose of this trash... Silent: I just throw it in my forge. Sadly, it makes the best swords. Lucy: You can makes swords out of bad fanfiction? Silent: Does ANYPONY know how Blacksmithing works other than me? All: …........ Gl1m0: Er... you hit the hot metal with the... the hammer thing? Silent: OH DEAR LORD! You need fire to make different metals hot. I burn bad fanfics, thus, FIRE! And sadly, with the different sizes and numbers of papers, it makes the forge work better than ever... I hate explaining that all the time. Screwball: Hey, that’s makes two of us. Gl1m0: Well, excuse me. We don’t exactly “get out” often. Speaking of which... Silent: Discord! We’re done, can I go now? Discord: (heard in all the room) Not until you apologize. Silent: I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THAT! Screwball: Eh, cut him some slack, man. He’s just a boy. Silent: I’m just the only blacksmith in town, isn’t supposed to belong here, and has a pyro who still gets called out as a marefriend. But he really doesn't cut me much. Discord: (sighs) Fine, you can go, Silent. But first, all of you have to say something nice about each other. Screwball: Oh? Pfft, that’s easy. Glowy, you are NOT a nerd, and do NOT need a teddy bear to sleep at night. Lucy, you do NOT wet the bed. And Not-So-Silent person, you are NOT a weirdo! Gl1m0: ...How are THOSE compliments? Discord: I’m counting it. Screwball: SWEET! (sticks tongue out at Gl1m0) Silent: Okay... Gl1m0 you have a good personality, uh Lucy, you have very great wits, and Screwball...... I like your, uh.... mane. Screwball: Oh, you do~? Thanks, I shampoo it every day! Gl1m0: Well... I don’t suppose I’m exempt from this. Silent, as strange as you first appeared to me, you seem like a pretty cool guy. Lucy, although I’m still kind of freaked-the-fuck-out that you can speak now, you’re very kind, and sharp as a tack. And Screwball... uh... you’re... tolerable. That’s all, really. Oh, and uh... thanks for helping Lucy, Silent. I suppose. Silent: Anytime. Lucy: ...Oh. Was I supposed to go next? Okay... Gl1m0, you’re very kind to us, despite our eccentricities, and you look after us daily. Screwball, you are just plain BATTY, but that’s exactly why I like you. And Silent... um... thank you again, for what you did. Silent: I’m pretty sure you guys would done the same for me if I had somepony with me that wasn’t in their right state of mi— (Discord vanishes him) Gl1m0: ...Well, that was rather rude. Discord: I’m the Lord of Chaos! I’ve gotta have my fun sometimes. Screwball: He’s got a point, Glowy. Lucy: A bizarre one, to be sure... Gl1m0: Eh... Well, we’re still stuck, regardless. That “Author” left us here, which I can only assume to be the the surface... but he said it was a whole other dimension... Screwball: Meh. Dimension, tension, suspension, let’s just explore! Just THINK of what kinds of cool stuff are up here! Gl1m0: Screwball... you KNOW we can’t do that. We have to get back to the CRF, one way or another. And by god, if those four are still hanging around in there, I have words for them... Lucy: I would agree, actually... though, I haven’t had a proper chance to really “see” the outside world, even if it’s technically not the same one. I don’t think me acting the way I did in the past really counts as being able to “truly” experience it, so... I want to see everything anew. Start fresh, I suppose. Gl1m0: …I may never get used to hearing you talk, Lucy. Lucy: You got used to me as a canine, so it’s not like you can’t adapt again. Gl1m0: ...True, I guess. [[Gl1m0 walks over to the door, and starts to push it open.]] Gl1m0: At least nothing else unexpected happened, right? It was just us that fell through that tear, and those other dudes bailed well before that... (pushes door open fully.) Now then—wait... the hell is going on? [[Outside is a scene of activity. Numerous ponies appear to be cantering briskly down the recognizable roads of Ponyville, all of whom are heading in the same direction.]] Gl1m0: ...once again, the hell is going on? Screwball: Ooh, is this that “parade” thing I’ve heard so much about?! Lucy: They’re all... talking about stuff. [[A pair of ponies hurry by, chatting all the way.]] Cherry Berry: ...can you believe it? I saw it from the balloon this morning! It’s *huge!* Carrot Top: I heard it from Colgate just a few minutes ago, actually. Though I didn’t even need to say it, it was right there... Gl1m0: Uhh... excuse me? Cherry: Huh? ...Oh! You’re one of those humans! Cool. Carrot Top: You needed something? Gl1m0: Yes, um... what is with all the commotion? Screwball: Is it a parade?! Carrot Top: Uh... no. You mean you don’t know? Everypony’s been in a stir over it! Lucy: Over what? Gl1m0: Yes, what? I’m afraid we’re... er... new? And stuff? Screwball: All kinds of stuffy stuff. Cherry: ...Right. Anyway, uh... there’s this huge thing that appeared just outside Ponyville. It looks like it burrowed straight out of the ground, too! Right out of Sweet Apple Acres! Carrot: It missed my carrot farm, thank Celestia... but I’ve never seem Applejack so upset before. Most of the trees in that area were wrecked. Gl1m0: ...Um. Big thing, out of the ground. I see. Screwball: That sounds familiar, eh Glowy? Gl1m0: (starts to sweat) Uh... Cherry: Just look over there, it’s huge! You can even see it from here! (points at something across the distance) [[The three of them turn to look towards where she is pointing, and gape.]] Gl1m0: Oh... Screwball: Woah. Lucy: Uh... I... [[A positively HUGE machine shaped also like a giant submarine with drills attached is seen in the far distance, half-sticking out of the ground and half-buried in the earth. Uprooted trees are visible around it. A crowd of ponies is seen gathering around it, even from this distance. The three “crew members” of this machine are agape.]] Gl1m0: ...I never thought I would be this terrified to see the CRF again. To be continued...
02: Oh to be Old Again, Chapter 1TheAuthorGl1m0 (writing): “And… then… they… kissed…” Applejack: Uh… what are you writing? Gl1m0: NOTHING! (crams paper under desk) Just… never mind! Since when did I invite you back inside here, anyway? AJ: What, Ah’m not allowed to go where Ah please? Is that it? Gl1m0: N-no, I was just… AJ: And for the record pal, Ah was invited here. Gl1m0: By… who? Pinkie (on TV): Hi Applejack! Gl1m0: I should have guessed… So, what’s the deal here Pinkie? Are you gonna make us do another one of those stupid-- (The doors and windows all shut and lock.) Gl1m0: …of course. AJ: Well, honestly, I didn't have anything better to do today... so Pinkie asked me to do another story riff with you. Gl1m0: How sweet of her. But mark my words, she won't be having her way with me after this... Pinkie: I’ve got a real doozy of a story for you two today! It’s a story about a human waking up in Equestria as a pony-- Gl1m0: There are literally a million of those fics out there, you know. How is this any different? Pinkie: You didn’t let me finish! He wakes up in Equestria… but let’s just say that something is really unusual about it this time! AJ: Ah’m not sure if Ah really want to know… Gl1m0: Well, we’re probably bound to figure that out anyway. Pinkie: Soooo... Here it comes, fellas! "Oh to be Old Again"! AJ: I've never been one to judge a book by its cover, but... Gl1m0: I have a bad feeling about this. Have you ever woken up somewhere you don't recognize? Gl1m0: Well, there was this one time, at band camp-- AJ: Don’t… just don’t. I have, once before. There was a very strange party thrown together by my aunt, you see, and … actually, in the interest of not making half of my audience run away screaming, AJ: Wouldn’t really matter much pard, seeing as how we’re locked in here. Gl1m0: Speaking of which, I really need to figure out how to hack the door lock mechanism… let's just say I woke up with a massive headache and a rather upset wife. And the sheep, oh god the sheep. Gl1m0: “There was… wool… everywhere… It was so… fluffy…” This time was not all that different, discounting the screaming. And that blasted sheep. AJ: Ya just can’t trust those dang sheep sometimes. Headache? Check. Dry mouth? Check. Gl1m0: Reading a cheesy fanfic? AJ: Double check. Upset stomach? Check. Beeping? Uhm, that one is new. AJ: Somepony strapped a bomb to him! Quick, run! "That musta been one hell of a party," I groaned, trying to open my caked-shut eyes. Gl1m0: Pinkie, did you throw cake at the nice man’s face? He can’t even open his eyes! Pinkie (from TV): Of course not! …Wait, which party was this again? AJ: The one involving the sheep. Pinkie: Ohhhh… then yeah, I probably did. With a wince, I managed to open them only to slam them shut again with a strangely high pitched cry. Light, ever the bane of the hungover. Still rubbing my eyes, I heard a distinct clop-clop-clopping sound Gl1m0: Oh god no, nonononono please not a clopfic anything but a-- of something hard striking the floor. Gl1m0: …Oh. You meant clopping as in… hoofsteps? Ah, right… AJ: Yer sick, you know that? Gl1m0: You can’t blame me for arriving at that conclusion! I’ve seen some shit in my time… "Oh good, he's awake." AJ: “Now we can finally get started making cup—” Gl1m0: Please don’t drag Cupcakes into this… Squinting against the light, I could see a white blur approaching wherever I was laying. As it got closer, it became more defined and I couldn't help but feel my jaw almost dislocate from the shock. Now, I have to say right here and now: I am a Brony. Gl1m0: … (Facepalm) AJ: Ah, geez… It’s one of those kinds of stories, isn’t it? Pinkie (on TV): Just keep reading! I'm a bit on the 'old' side as Bronies go though not the oldest. Still, I hit the triple decade mark a bit ago so I guess that makes me one of the older ones of that fandom. Gl1m0: …Okay, I’m gonna go and try to hack that door now. (Gets up and walks away.) Pinkie (on TV): Oh, he’ll be back. And, as all old farts will tell you, I've seen a bit in my time. AJ: “Why, when Ah was yer age…” Never something that could prepare me for this though. (A loud ZAP is heard across the room.) “AAAAAAAAAGGGH!” AJ: What in tarnation… Pinkie (giggling): He’ll be fine. "Pony?" AJ: “Human?” The white-coated and pink-maned mare in front of me nodded at my squeak with an ever present smile on her face. AJ: Well, Ah guess that—huh? (Gl1m0 walks back and takes a seat. His body is slightly singed.) AJ: What the hay happened to you? Gl1m0: Pinkie’s godlike failsafe systems. That’s what happened. Pinkie (on TV): Hey, you kinda smell like turkey bacon now! Gl1m0: …*Shut up.* As I stared at her Gl1m0: -plot. (Gets slapped by AJ) OW! , I noticed things that - at the time - seemed so odd. Their pelts, for example, are like real pelts. AJ: Well… duh. What else would they be? Each hair is separate and real. And they're not all one color, the fur itself has shade. Depth. Gl1m0: (Looks at AJ) …Huh, whaddaya know, he’s right… Each hair of the mane flowed like a human hair would, Gl1m0: (While running hand through AJ’s mane) …Hmmm... AJ: Uh… can Ah help you? though my present example had her hair in a bun under her nurses hat. It was so real. She was alive. AJ: Where the alternative was bein’ dead, and that ain’t no fun. Yet, something was definitely 'off' about her. Her head was large. Gl1m0: Well, you know what they say about having a swelled head. (Gets slapped again.) OUCH! H-hey! I wasn’t talking about you, AJ! AJ: That wasn’t me… Gl1m0: Then who-- Trixie: The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have a “swelled head”! Her cranium is perfectly and powerfully proportioned, Trixie will have you know! Gl1m0: T-Trixie?! How did you even get in here— (Trixie teleports out again.) —when the doors… are… locked… what the… Pinkie (from TV): Kinda forgot to mention… the locks can’t stop a unicorn teleporting in or out just yet. I kinda still need to fix that glitch. Gl1m0: …So… during our last riff… we could have just had Twilight teleport us out at any given time. SON OF A… Pinkie: Look! More story! Yes that was what they were in the show but to see it in reality threw every pony right into the Uncanny Valley. AJ: Must be quite a fall down there… Her eyes. Massive didn't even begin to describe them. 'Ginormous' fit I guess. I couldn't even think of them as orbs in any sense of the word. Gl1m0: Really? They don’t seem so… (Looks at AJ again.) …Oh. AJ: What are ya starin’ at me for? Gl1m0: …Your eyes actually are pretty huge, when you think about it… AJ: Ah beg yer pardon?! Man, ponies are hella creepy when you think about it. Gl1m0: Hate to admit it, but they kinda do… (Gets slapped again by AJ.) AGH! This is what I get for being *honest?!* I must have been staring at her with the most confused expression ever because she seemed to have noticed. She gave me a big, warm smile AJ: It was gift-wrapped and everything! at least it would have been warm had it not been given by some Lovecraftian horror. Gl1m0: inb4 Cthulu is canon. I rapidly shifted my eyes away from her face, taking in my spartan surroundings. A hospital room painted a very light shade of blue, curtains drawn open to let in the full blast of that most hated of objects, the sun. Gl1m0: Boogie Man: The Early Years. The heart monitor beeping its little mechanical heart out next to me explained the noise that woke me up, at least. An IV seemed to be stuck in one of my … legs. AJ: Fer lack of a better word, apparently. Other than that, a way-too-human chair and a small tray filled with medical detritus the room was pretty dang empty. And it smelled of 'sanitation.' AJ: An’ sanitation smells like…? Gl1m0: Based on my experience, blood, soap, and three-week-old piss. AJ: So… not sanitation? "Yup, you're safe here now, little one. Do you know where you are?" Gl1m0: “It’s Hell, right?” It, er, she was still giving me that creepy smile. I'm going to call it warm for now. Yeah, we'll go with warm. At my way-too-energetic head shake, her smile just grew wider. Shudder. Gl1m0: “I NEED AN ADULT!” AJ: She is an adult. Gl1m0: “I NEED A CAN OF PEPPER SPRAY!” "Well, you're in Ponyville General Hospital after a group of foals found you at the edge of Whitetail Woods. Gl1m0: Great, even the method of arrival is the same. “Found unconscious by the edge of a forest.” Well, at least it wasn’t in the Everfree this time. Can you tell me what happened?" Suddenly, something clicked in my head. AJ: Somepony finally found the light switch. Gl1m0: Good, it was getting dark in there! What, with the lack of imagination and all. "Little one?" Gl1m0: “Little”… Uh oh, I think I figured out where this story is going now. Pinkie (on TV): Shh! Don’t spoil it! I knew for a fact my voice sounded really squeaky and I probably sounded like an absolute idiot All: “*Probably”?* but at the time I was a bit preoccupied. I looked down at my hands WHERE DID MY HANDS GO?! Gl1m0: Hm, did you leave them in your other pants? AJ: (Gives him a strange look.) Gl1m0: …What? It happens more often than you may think. Why no hands? Why is the hands gone? Instead of hands, two stumpy light blue things stared back at me. Gl1m0: They stared back? Damn that is creepy. Metaphorically, of course. Having eyes down there would be weird. AJ: You can have ‘em on your face, on your back, on your stomach, and even on yer legs… but eyes on yer arms? Nope, that’s weird. I think I was beginning to hyperventilate and I looked back up at the nurse with the tears forming in my eyes. I think it was shock. Gl1m0: “Or it could have been the drugs. Lots of drugs.” I started to mouth the word 'hands' over and over again in some vain hope that I could summon them by the power of repetition and hope. AJ: Ah wouldn’t get yer hopes up; you ain’t Starswirl the Bearded, kid. Gl1m0: He could always just go and see Lyra. I bet she’d hook him up with a pair. The nurse - whose 'cutie mark' seemed to be a Swiss Cross for some reason - blinked slightly at me. Gl1m0: “Slightly” blinked? So… it was a half-blink? Is she… giving him the bedroom eyes?! Ew, dude, that is *messed up!* I didn't even want to try to imagine the mathematics behind that particular physical feat. Gl1m0: Well, let’s try it, shall we? Let’s see… (pulls out notebook) If we were to take the vertical diameter of the eye, which is — (looks at AJ) — roughly six inches (AJ: Hey!) and then account for the fact that the eyelid is never present except during the process of blinking or maintaining an eye expression… so we divide this… multiply it by the… add, and subtract… and… Ah! I have it! Logically—and mathematics can support it—their eyelids exist in a quantum “pocket space”, only appearing when it needs to be and being virtually invisible otherwise! AJ: …what. Seriously, where are their eyelids?! Gl1m0: …I JUST TOLD YOU! (throws notebook at screen) GO FIND YOUR OWN MATHEMATICIAN, STORY! Ugh, I cannot work like this! "Well, I'm sorry. I, well, yes. You're a little colt. Pinkie (from TV): DUN, DUN, *DUUUUN!* AJ & Gl1m0: Eh, saw it coming. Pinkie: …You’re no fun. Do, do you remember your name?" Her concerned look did not dissuade me from responding as I feel any sane man would at that particular bit of news. Gl1m0: Scream and run around in circles? AJ: Call the cops? Pinkie (from TV): Go insane and slaughter everyone in sight with a hacksaw? AJ & Gl1m0: (Stare at Pinkie in horror.) Pinkie (from TV): …What? I don't think she expected Gl1m0: “-that I was actually a ninja. She was dead before she hit the ground.” the torrent of filthy language that left my very small muzzle at that point in time. AJ: When’s the last time you had that language cleaned, mister? "Now then, Mr. Dirtymouth, what do we say?" Both: … Gl1m0: Um… “More please”? "Ach, ptew. Stuff it! Oh no GHGHGBLGUBLGLUBGLUB ptew, ptew!" AJ: Er… Need some context, please… Because right now, Ah’m havin’ a really bad mental image… Gl1m0: Now who’s the sick one? Soap has never been my favored flavor Gl1m0: “It was only my fourth or fifth favorite, really.” but whatever they put in hospital soap sure as hell makes it taste nastier than regular stuff. Also, Earth Ponies are STRONG. AJ: Eh, that ain’t news to me. Gl1m0: (rubs still-sore cheek) I can attest to that… I was currently being lifted by the scruff of my neck and held over a hospital bathroom sink as this pony nurse tried to 'scrub out all those nasty dirty words,' as she put it. Gl1m0: Oh, good! Context. Not that this is any less bizarre and somewhat abusive, but still, context! AJ: Now if only Ah can do the same thing with chatterboxes… Gl1m0: Uh… *gulps* She was also holding my bag of IV fluid above her head and had been pumping soap into my forced open muzzle with her own mouth for a good five minutes. AJ: So, wait… she was spittin’ soap into his mouth?! Gl1m0: Ewwwgh… Seriously, who knew ponies had the same curse words as humans? Or the same language, for that matter. Gl1m0: Um, excuse me? English and Equish are NOT the same language. They just... happen to have remarkably similar dialects, which I'm not quite ready to label off as a coincidence just yet... Regardless, with me having swallowed a metric ton of that foul stuff (on an empty stomach and with a very dry throat), I figured it was time to play nice with the twice-my-size-could-probably-cave-my-head-in mare that I had inadvertently - and after this had begun, purposefully - royally pissed off. Gl1m0: “In retrospect, I should never have called her a ‘bug-eyed hippopotamus’ to begin with.” "Ok, uncle! Uncle! I give!" Thrashing about in her biologically improbable strong grip seemed to get my point across more than the foaming and spitting attempt at language and I was dropped on my rump with absolutely no dignity. Gl1m0: Ponyville Hospital only cares for the utmost in care and wellbeing for its patients, and men-turned-foals are no different. AJ: Best medical center in Equestria. It's the little things, ya know? I'm guessing she didn't want me yanking out the needle burrowed into the crook of my, uh, leg. AJ: ...Yep, Ah'm just gonna take his word for it. Her managing three things at once while yelling at me and keeping me under some semblance of control was just another quirk of biology that I just did not want to try to wrap my head around. Gl1m0: The Amazing Spider-Nurse, everybody! Hey biologists? You think a fly flying is something really hard to figure out? Try figuring out how to hold things with HOOVES. AJ: Well, sugarcube? You wanna shed some light on this conundrum then? Gl1m0: …What? First of all, I offered to be its mathematician, not biologist. And don’t say “there ain’t a difference” because there is. And second, I already offered to help the story, but apparently it didn’t wanna go for that! (pouts) Stupid, stuck-up, stupidface story… AJ: Forget I asked… "What do we say?" The angry eyeball she was giving me caused me to shiver slightly. The horror … In response to the monstrosity before me, I laid my ears back and hiccoughed a bubble. AJ: “Hiccoughed”… Is that actually a word? Gl1m0: (scribbles in a dictionary with a pen) Well, it is *now!* AJ: Say, ain’t that Twilight’s dictionary? When’d you get that? Gl1m0: She left it behind during the last riff, when she ran off. Finders keepers! Yeah, I was really heaping on the sad puppy dog eyes as best I could. As long as they thought I was a foal, I'd resort to foal tricks. Though, let's be honest, I was probably just reacting to the Unnamable Thing in front of me. "I, I don't know miss. I'm sorry?" I must have had a bigger effect on her than I thought because the next thing I knew, I was being hugged very hard. Gl1m0: “I will love him and squeeze him and then I will call him George.” AJ: Speakin’ of which, Ah don’t think our “hero” even told his name yet… Did I mention Earth Ponies are strong? Yeah. That earned her a few bubbles in the mane. Gl1m0: *gasp* Derpy got stuck in her mane! Quick, somepony get her outta there! She didn't seem to mind. With a gasping breath, I caught a wiff of her scent … AJ: This ain’t no time to be playing wiffle ball with that mare’s scent, lil’ colt! she smelled like a clean horse. They do not smell like vanilla, lavender, or any of that other crazy stuff. Just horse. Clean, but horse. Gl1m0: Hmm, Applejack? Do you really smell like apples? Like all the fanfics say? Do you mind if I-- AJ: If you even try it, you’re gettin’ yer teeth bucked in. Gl1m0: …never mind, then. "I'm so sorry, little one. Gl1m0: “I’m so, SO sorry. Because you know what happens next.” But we can't have a young colt like you growing up thinking it's ok to use that language." After a minute of me trying very hard to breathe properly, she set me down - gently this time - and smiled at me. "Let's get back to what we were doing before, hmm?" AJ: Uh oh, stranger danger! Stranger danger! Gl1m0: *Get out of there, man!!* I nodded, looking purposefully down at the ground. That face. AJ: That grammar. And hey, you gotta use the tools you're given, though, am I right? I thought that if I looked dejected enough, she'd go easy on me. Gl1m0: Hmm… (turns towards the TV and does his best “puppy-dog” face) AJ: …the hay’re you doing? Pinkie (from TV): Awww, Glowy! You look so dejected and sad, and stuff! That’s so cute! Gl1m0: (still doing the face) Does that mean we can be let out early? Pinkie (from TV): Hmm… nah. Gl1m0: Fuck. Well, it was worth a try… Guilt, one of the few things a kid can do really well. AJ: If they can shame you into buyin' them a cookie, just imagine what other powers they must have... Gl1m0: That sounds like it's coming from experience. AJ: Please, don't ask... She led me back into the hospital room and helped me up onto the bed again. Gl1m0: "...So, you were saying something about gettin' it--" AJ: (slaps Gl1m0) Hey! No foalcon! Bad, bad! I stumbled a bit, of course. Having suddenly double the legs and the coordination of a child would have done that. Gl1m0: Oh, can't forget about those drugs, too. Those things are trippin'. Not that she knew any of that as she was looking very concerned by that point. Where was that concern when she was pumping my poor aching stomach full of antibacterial soap? AJ: On vacation in Prance, most likely. Gl1m0: I hear it's nice this time of year. I had half a mind to vomit but I don't think that would help with the taste. Having settled into the bed as best I could, I then lost all faith in the pony race. Gl1m0: Coming from a supposed brony, that’s gotta sting. AJ: Hey! Pony races are great exercise, and they’re fun too! Even if Ah did lose that one time… Gl1m0: No, he meant… never mind. Poked, prodded, PROBED. Do they really not know of oral thermometers or was this some sort of revenge of hers? And, of course, we were both nude. AJ: Oh… oh golly… (blushes) Gl1m0: MUST… ERASE… MENTAL... PICTURES! Yeah, the last of my dignity was lost that day. AJ: “So Ah put an ad in the newspaper, offerin’ a reward if it was found.” I had a fetish, at one point in time. Gl1m0: Oh god no. It's gone now. Both: Phew. Thanks creepy Nurse! Gl1m0: Indeed, for you have potentially saved all of Equestria from a rampant foalified brony with a pony fetish. AJ: Are a lot of those humans really like that? Gl1m0: Well, a not-so-precious few are. Some obsess over it, and others keep it quite well hidden and under wraps. Others… well, they make fanfics. AJ: That’s not a comfortin’ thought… Though, Ah have seen more than a few stories with Author and Prime… Gl1m0: On that note, if this story did have clop in it… wouldn’t it technically count as foalcon? (Both shudder.) And all through this, she was peppering me with questions. AJ: “Are you now, or have you ever been, a supporter of the NLR?” Gl1m0: “How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?” "Do you remember your name?" Evidently, Bruce is not a very 'pony' name. Gl1m0: Ah, our nameless protagonist has a name after all! Good. Now I finally have something to base all of my name-related puns off of. Now, if only I could think of a name pun involving “Bruce”… Um... truce... flew... obtuse... eh... Ugh. Damn it story, why you no set up good puns?! "Who are your parents?" Neither are 'Edward' nor 'Clarice.' "Your school?" 'Polytechnic' anything just got a chuckle. Gl1m0: Pfft, of course! Everyone knows that university is for wussies. Obviously missing was AJ: -the part where this story began to make sense. 'profession,' 'address,' and 'I hoped you liked dinner before I violated you.' Both: What*.* Again, thanks Nurse. "Well, you rest up a bit, uhm, 'Bruce.' I'll go get the doctor." AJ: “Because you are clearly out of yer mind.” She patted my head, though I tried to keep her at a good arm's, er, leg's length away. Besides, I had just been stuffed full of semi-poisonous soap water, Gl1m0: Face it Bruce, if it were semi-poisonous, you’d already be dead. But, we’re both too unlucky for that to be true… AJ: Never hurts to dream, though. poked with half a dozen needles and had the last shred of my male dignity destroyed in front of my eyes all perpetrated by an Elder One of aeons past. Gl1m0: …I shall resist the urge to make a joke involving Cthulu and tentacles. AJ: Eugh, thanks fer the image… And to think I once thought ponies potentially 'hot.' I was not in a touchy mood. AJ: Good thing too; if he starts “touching” things then Ah’m gone, whether Pinkie says so or not. Gl1m0: Take me with you? AJ: Ah’ll think about it. "Can I have a glass of water at least?" Gl1m0: "No." With my fresh glass of clean, pure, un-suddsy water in my hooves, somehow, I awaited the doctor with bated and bubbly breath. Gl1m0: “And then he would whisk me away in the TARDIS, and we’d have all kinds of fun and amazing adventures through time and space. And stuff. The End.” Okay, that’s it. I’m done. Can we go now? Pinkie (from TV): No, silly! There’re a lot more chapters where this came from! Gl1m0: …How much is, “a lot more”? Pinkie: Hmmm… Like, maybe thirty-ish. Or more. Gl1m0: *Damn it!* AJ: Ah knew it was too good to be true… Gl1m0: You know what, Pinkie? How about NO. I’m not going to do the same stuff you get away with pulling on those other poor souls. Not this guy, no sir. Pinkie: Oh, silly Glowy! You say that as if you were even in control of what happens here. I’m the cute mare with the button… and you’re not, so ha ha! AJ: Pinkie, ya known you’re my best friend when Ah say this, but you’ve been acting like a real mule lately. Gl1m0: And by that, she means you’re a jackass. Pinkie: Well, that's not a very nice thing to say! Besides, you both know that this is all just for fun! Gl1m0: ...fun. Uh-huh. I'm sorry to disappoint you Pinkie, but I will NOT be a part of this anymore. You can't convince me otherwise. Pinkie: Oh, reeeeally~? Then go ahead and leave... if you can. Gl1m0: I will, in fact. AJ: Uh, sugarcube... the door and windows are locked, in case ya haven't noticed... Pinkie: Heehee, that's right! Sorry Glowy, but ya gotta stay until you're done! Them's the rules! Gl1m0: Oh, I'm sorry. Who said anything about me using the *doors?* (Suddenly, right on cue, the ground begins to tremble and shake.) AJ: W-wh-what in t-t-tarnation is goin' on?! Gl1m0: Good, right on cue! I almost expected her not to make it so soon... AJ: W-who?! Why's the g-ground s-sh-shakin'?! (With a loud crash, a massive tube-like pod with a huge drill mounted on top rips up through the floorboards, and a door on the side of the construct slides open.) Gl1m0: That's why! So unless you feel like continuing on reading this... (Runs inside the tube.) ...then come with me, if you want to live! God, I've always wanted to say that... AJ: Oh, horseradish... What am I gettin' mahself into...? (Without much thought, she follows him inside the machine, and the doors close behind her. With a lurch, the drill capsule sinks back into the earth back to whence it came from, leaving behind a very beleaguered pink mare...) Pinkie: You... you think you can just run away, Glowy?! And you too, Applejack?! I'll... I'll find you both! I can Pinkie Promise you that...
03: My Harshwhinnial [Part 1][[In a secluded chamber, deep below the earth, a cylindrical pod descends from an opening in the ceiling. The doors of the pod open, and both Gl1m0 and Applejack step out, looking quite dazed.]] TheAuthorGl1m0: Ow... God, I need to install some proper shocks in that thing... Applejack: An' what the hay happened with that bright flash, 'n stuff? Mah head still hurts... Gl1m0: Ugh, mine too... It's a bit of a blur, but... I think there were... kinky squirrels involved... AJ: Ah don't like squirrels. Gl1m0: Don't go telling that to Fluttershy. Anyway... here we are, I guess. The CRF. (mumbles) *Huh, it's a bit cleaner than I remember leaving it...* AJ: The CR...wha? Where are we even-- [[All of a sudden, a lavender-colored mare wearing a beanie-cap bursts out of a nearby ventilation grate, leaping towards Gl1m0.]] ???: *Glowyyyy!* Gl1m0: What the fu--(Is glomped by the mystery mare and falls to the floor)--GUH! GET OFF! AJ: What in tarnation...!? Gl1m0: Ugh... Screwball, WHAT have I told you about surprising me like this? Screwball: I know, but it's so much fun! Whaddaya expect me to do, NOT do it? Gl1m0: That's what I was hoping at least... (shoves Screwball off of him and stands up) ...Now that all of that mess is out of the way... Screwball, give me a status report. Screwball: Lesse... Processing rates are holding steady at 21 scribes-per-minute, core temperature is 201 degrees cell-see-us... and I brought another little pony aboard. Gl1m0: Alright, that sounds... wait. What do you MEAN that you brought another pony aboard?! Have you finally lost what’s left of your mind?! Screwball: Chill out Glowy, it’s okee-day! I mean, come on, YOU brought along somepony too! We’re totally even, and you know it! Gl1m0: I-it was a courtesy, okay?! We wouldn't have lasted much longer up there! AJ: Alright mister, are you gonna start explaining yerself anytime soon? What the hay IS this place? Who is this crazy pony? And how come Ah’ve never heard of any o’ this before?! Gl1m0: Slow down, I’m a bit busy right now! Just relax for a second! AJ: (grumbles with resignation) Gl1m0: Good. Anyway… (turns back to Screwball) …where is he? Or her? Please tell me they aren't near the Vault… Screwball: I said chill! Lucy is keeping her in check, so she won’t try to run amok or anything. Gl1m0: …good enough, I guess. We’ll deal with that situation later. Now then, AJ, as for your questions… Actually, I think I’ll just let these expository paragraphs describe it all for you. I knew they’d come in handy someday. Deep below the surface of Equestria, far beyond the reach of most living beings, is a secret mobile facility, tunneling its way underhoof the many ponies miles above. Known only as the Cutting Room Floor, it is a machine dedicated to one thing, and one thing only: Rejects. The bits of narrative that don’t make the cut, the tales of woeful incompetence that are burned in piles, the articles that get turned away from the Equestria Daily newspaper in Canterlot; all of these are processed by those that crew the CRF, and archived away in their infinite database to lie in obscurity… Usually secluded from the rest of Equestria by a comfortable two miles of rocky separation, the crew busily go about their tasks with sorting away the trash for the Archives. Having nothing else better to do, these brave individuals seek to better the land of Equestria—by eliminating the menace known as terrible writing. At least, that’s what their supposed intention is meant to be; that doesn’t mean they do a good job of it at all, or even stick to that one task for more than a minute. Gl1m0: …Okay, we could have done without that last sentence, but in a nutshell, that’s us. This pony here? She’s Screwball. We've been, shall we say, “partners” in this escapade of ours… you know, breaking down rejects, driving, attempted cooking, and the occasional coffee run. Screwball: Hiya! Say, does that hat take ten gallons? Or twelve? (starts giggling like mad) AJ: Wha… *Hey!* Gl1m0: Sorry, she thinks that she’s “funny”. That remains to be seen, however. Screwball: HEY! No fair! I'm WAY funnier than you! Gl1m0: Suuuuuure. Anyway, the reason no one knows about us? We’re a top-secret organization; the best kept one in Equestria. Not even the princesses know about us. AJ: But… why? Why all this? (Looks around the room) This place is *huge…* Gl1m0: We intercept and store all facsimiles of improper writing, and hide it away from the world’s eye. Unsurprisingly, plenty of stuff still manages to get by us, so it’s not like we’re perfect… It would seem that Pinkie, of all ponies, manages to get a hold of these poor writings a lot quicker than we can at times… AJ: Unreal… And this place… it’s… movin’? Gl1m0: Yes. The CRF is always mobile, and our travel plan is never fixed or set in advance; it makes it harder for others to track us. AJ: Then… how come you were on the surface, in that house, writin’ stuff? Gl1m0: (Sighs.) I was supposed to be on a vacation, of sorts… Reality had other plans, though. I knew that Pinkie was acting all strange and making you and others read horrible fanfics for childish amusement… but, I guess I never counted on being subjected to those myself. And lo, after realizing my vacation was fairly pointless to begin with, I decided to come back here. You just happened to be dragged along for the ride. Screwball: Wow, you totally got burned on that deal, Glowy. Gl1m0: Unfortunately, yes… Well, duty calls, I suppose. Where were the others, again? Screwball: The, uh… the room with the really long, funny name. Gl1m0: …You mean, “Processing Room”? Screwball: Yeah, that one! Gl1m0: …Right. Anyway, Applejack, you can sit tight and relax for a bit here. We’ll arrange to drop you off somewhere on the surface in due time. AJ: Uh… thanks, sugarcube. [[With that, both Gl1m0 and Screwball leave the room without another word.]] ~The CRF: Processing Room~ Screwball: So, here she is! Good girl keeping an eye on her, Lucy! Screwloose: Bark, bark! Gl1m0: Okay, so who’s the pony you dragged aboard this ti… WHAT THE—YOU FOALNAPPED *SCOOTALOO?!* Screwball: But she’s so cute! And she was just, you know, there! And not doing anything! Scootaloo: I was WAITING for my friends to show up, you weirdo! The next thing I know, YOU pop out of the ground and grab me! Screwball: I prefer to think of it as an “aggressive embrace”. Scootaloo: You guys are in BIG trouble when Rainbow Dash gets here—she’s gonna kick your flanks back to last Tuesday! Screwloose: Grrrrrr…. Screwball: Oh yeah?! I’d like to see her *try!*** Scootaloo: Rainbow Dash won't just "try"! She’ll wipe the floor with you! Screwball: SHE’LL WIPE THE MUD OFF HER FACE AFTER I KICK SOME ONTO IT! Scootaloo: OH YEAH?! Screwball: YEAH!! Gl1m0: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (Awkward silence follows.) …Scootaloo, just relax. Everything’s gonna be fine, okay? We’ll take you back to the surface as soon as we-- [[All of a sudden, a siren goes off and green lights begin to flash around the room.]] Gl1m0: —get back… Ah, damn it. Looks like we’ll have to put that plan on hold for the moment. Scootaloo: Why? What’s going on? [[One by one, the doors begin to shut and lock. Just before the last one closes, Applejack is suddenly and unceremoniously shoved inside the room by an unseen force.]] AJ: Oww… What in tarnation is goin’ on in here—Scootaloo?! How the heck did YOU get down here? Scootaloo: Long story… Gl1m0: Uh… might be a bad time to mention, but uh… At set times throughout the day, in order to make sure the writings get properly processed and archived… we have to do the breakdown process for at least one of these manually, per day. AJ: Like… how? Gl1m0: In a nutshell? What Pinkie was making us do on the surface. And now you see the reason for my attempted vacation... AJ: What?! …Ugh, talk about outta the fryin’ pan and into the fire… Scootaloo: So… you’re kinda like Author, then? And that Fallen Prime guy? Gl1m0: I… suppose so? Scootaloo: Really?! Awesome! I’m a PRO at this “riffing” stuff! Gl1m0: …well, we refer to it as "breaking down the fic for safe storage", but... seriously? Scootaloo: Yeah! I mean, I haven’t gotten a cutie mark for it yet, but maybe I just have to become a master at it, first! Gl1m0: Uh… sure. Whatever floats your boat… so, Screwball, what’s on the queue? Screwball: Let’s see… Ooh! This one is interesting! It’s called… “My Harshwhinnial?” That’s a weirdy name. Let’s bring it up! [[In the center of the room, a large monitor descends from above while four seats rise from the floor. They are filled rather quickly.]] Screwball: Sorry Lucy, you’ll have to sit on the floor this time. Screwloose: (whines) [[The monitor turns on, showing them all the fanfic to be processed. Everyone cringes slightly.]] Gl1m0: Now, I’ve learned never to judge a book by its cover, but in this line of work it’s almost impossible to have good impressions in the first place. In this case, not when the cover art pony looks like some kind of reject from Generation 3… Screwball: Why does it even have UPVOTES? Usually the stuff we get is way in the red! Gl1m0: Obviously, the standard of quality on the surface is becoming so bad, many people are just choosing to accept it. It’s sad, really. Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: No, you can’t have a potty break. Screwloose: (whines) AJ: Aw, horsefeathers… this is gonna be painful, isn’t it? Scootaloo: Hey, I’ve read Rainbow Factory! This can’t be any worse, can it? Screwball: WE SHALL SEE, LITTLE MOTH! Gl1m0: Initialize the breakdown sequence! Chapter 1. Screwball: “The Day The Grammar Died.” (AN: HAY MURDERATORS: Gl1m0: That’s a rather serious accusation towards the mods, don’t you think? Screwball: They screw us, so we screw them right back! No harm done. AJ: An’ why’s he shoutin’? We’re indoors… arthurs note DOES GOES HERE plz see ORIGANAL FIC based off kthx) Scootaloo: Who’s Arthur? And where’s the note? Gl1m0: It’s buried in a sea of no caps and all caps. aslo happy March 32nd kk?) Screwball: Oooh, that’s my favorite day! I wish it was March 32nd all year long. (AN: Spescial broo hoves 2 Baxle 4 fixng alll teh spelling erras) AJ: An’ with that, Ah think it’s safe to say that we’re in fer a ride. Gl1m0: Oh god, I actually regret skipping out on that HiE story with Pinkie, now… Hi my name is Medal Pector'al Biathlon Lula Whinny Scootaloo: I don’t think that’s a legal name. Screwball: Quick, somepony sue him! and I'm a 12-time Junior equestrian Games meddlist (that's how I got my name) with golds in throwing things Gl1m0: He’s got quite an arm. and golds in galloping and golds in sportsmareship AJ: Like that time he pushed all o’ her racin’ buddies into that gorge? Yep, real sportscolt-like conduct, there. with a mane that reaches my mid-back Screwball: Pfft. Get a haircut, hippie. and icy purple eyes like limpid sweaters Scootaloo: So icy, he couldn’t even move them around. Gl1m0: And as a result, he is forever doomed to look like a Hasbro figurine. AJ: Also… “limpid sweaters”? Really? Screwball: They’re in style this season! and a lot of ponies tell me I look like my dad Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade Gl1m0: Ah, Mr. Nightblade. Apparently, he’s a pretty decent interior decorator. Screwloose: Bark? Gl1m0: No, Lucy. We can’t hire him to build you a fancy sandbox. Use the bathroom like a proper mare, for god’s sake… (AN: but if u think he's cooler than my mom get da hell out of here!?)., Scootaloo: Okay, jeez! Talk about grouchy… AJ: Don’t sweat it, Scoots. He’s jus’ mad about having a bad OC for his pa. I'm not related to Trixie Lulamoon and I'm glad because she's major bucking adopted. Gl1m0: Strangely specific denial, there… Scootaloo: …… AJ: …… (Slowly pulls Scootaloo into a hug.) I'm an inspector but they still let me compete in the games. Gl1m0: Okay, I just know that violates a few rules. Screwball: Inspectors get all the fun… Screwloose: Bark, bark! Screwball: I know, right? They’re such jerks. I have muscles. Gl1m0: Uh-huh. Do you even lift? I'm also Miss Lovingcup Harshwhinnny's colt, and I live w/ith her for the last seventeen years (I'm sixteen). Gl1m0: I… actually, that’s technically correct. Assuming that we factor in the nine months before he was actually born, of course… AJ: Ah was more concerned ‘bout the fact he’s an obvious Gary Stu regardless, but yeah, Ah see your point. Screwball: What, no mention of the lack of past tense? You’re slipping again, Glowy. Gl1m0: I-I didn’t forget, I was preoccupied, okay?! I'm a jock (in case u couldn't tell) All: We *could.* Scootaloo: But we just didn't care. and I wear mostly sweat and awesome. Gl1m0: It’s possible to wear awesome? Rainbow Dash would get a kick out of that. Scootaloo: Totally! I love gOlds' Gym and I train all my there. For example today I did 50 wife throws with target wedding ring toss, Screwball: Beating out Shining Armor by almost 49 points. The poor sap didn’t even have a chance, what, with only having one wife and all. jumped 30 sharks (blue and bala and greate white), stole 40 cakes, Scootaloo: He stole forty cakes? AJ: That’s as many as four tens! Gl1m0: And that’s terrible. and shot a biathlete. Gl1m0: He was a threat to his Gary Stu-ness, and had to be put down. I was in the showers after. It was raining outside but also inside until I turned off the weather. Scootaloo: But he’s not even a pegasus! Screwball: Nope! He's an *alicorn!* Gl1m0: Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE. AJ: *Hey! Mind yer language, sugarcube! There's a foal present!* Gl1m0: *Huh? ...Oh, dammit! Sorry!* A lot of earth ponies stared at me. I magicked a middle finger at them. All except Gl1m0: What’s a “finger”? Gl1m0: Ah, it’s times like this that I really don’t miss human society. Screwloose: Bark? Gl1m0: No, dogs don’t count. "Hey Meddle!" shoulted a voice. I looked up. It was… Scootaloo: A bird! Screwball: A bagel! Gl1m0: An Anti-Stu Missile! Princess Twilicorn! Gl1m0: Oh hello generic Stu love interest. Screwball: And goodbye, broken fandom. "What's up Sparkles?" I asked. Gl1m0: The ceiling! …I’m sorry. AJ: (smacks Gl1m0) That’s two, sugarcube. "Nothing." She said blushing. Screwball: Well, it is a pretty hot day out. Gl1m0: High nineties, man. With any luck, they’ll melt before long. But then, I heard my coach who was also my mom call me and I had to go away. AJ: Not fer long apparently, ‘cause there’s more chapters. Screwball: Each more wonderfully painful than the last! AJ: …You remind me too much of Pinkie. Screwball: Oh, Pinkie? We go way back. She stopped returning my calls though, but that’s only ‘cuz I maxed out her phone service card. Whoopsie! Gl1m0: And that’s the reason why I’ve put Screwball here on a METERED connection plan from here on out. She has a habit of shooting her mouth off… Screwball: What? That’s not shooting my mouth off! (Draws a cartoonishly-proportioned shotgun and shoots herself in the face. Her mouth is, somehow, blown away and sticks to the wall.) That’s shooting my mouth off! Scootaloo: How… how did you even…? Gl1m0: Ugh… Screwball, put your piehole back where it belongs; we still have another chapter to do. Chapetr 2: Gl1m0: “The Retrun of the Mipselld Wrods.” (AN: this is an author's note ok) AJ: Of course, thanks fer lettin’ us know. Screwball: Wasn’t that nice of him? The next day I woke up from being asleep. Gl1m0: -with the hangover from Hell. It was sunny so I made it rain on earth ponies. I got up off my exercise mat & drank a bottle of taurine and harsh training. Gl1m0: Meh, I prefer my bottle of taurine and training light; 'harsh' is way too salty for my tastes. Scootaloo: "In stores now, while supplies last!" My mat was lined with my Meddles Screwball: Looks like our hero was abusin' the mirror pool, methinks. AJ: He obviously couldn't get enough o' himself, so he made more. Many more. Gl1m0: And then they all fu...made lovely woohoo time. The End. Scootaloo: "Woohoo time"? What's that like? Gl1m0: Er... I am contractually obliged not to inform you of that until you are at least the legal age of consent. Scootaloo: ...Habbla-what-now? AJ: WAIT 'TIL YOU'RE OLDER, sugarcube. and decorated with stallionly blue medicine balls. Gl1m0: Okay... that's just wrong. Scootaloo: Why? Don't we decorate Hearth's Warming trees with balls? Don't we play with them out in the field on sunny days? Gl1m0: Well, technically yes, but the context just... leaves something to be desired. Scootaloo: Uh... why? Gl1m0: ...I give up. Her young mind is just too pure for me to scar now... I gotup off the mat and took off my spandex which shows off my muscles. AJ: ...Any chance you keep some o' that 'brain bleach' stuff handy? Gl1m0: In the cupboard, second row down, on the left. AJ: Thank ya kindly. (Runs off to get some.) Screwball: What a lightweight. Instead of flexign I did wing pushups, 30 self-facebucks, and only 49 house lifts instead of 50 because I was having a bad day. Screwball: His Pony AIDS check came back positive. Gl1m0: He was a fool, and didn't wrap his tool. I cried manly tears. Gl1m0: Please. That's so beta. Nothing compares to the manly tenderness of LIQUID PRIDE! My best sister friend Trixie (AN: if u want to be my prerater which is like an inspector of prereaders Screwball: We get to inspect the prereaders for a change?! HECK'S YEAH, SIGN ME UP! AJ: Make that two. Whoever passed this story needs a slap. Gl1m0: I could certainly think of more suitable punishment than a mere “slap”. then this OC can represent u!) Gl1m0: Wait, wait, WAIT. Trixie is not an OC. She’s a recently-reformed antagonist that starred in two full episodes. Calling her an OC is probably a surefire way of getting Sethisto’s boot up your ass, among other orifices. Not even counting what the mare herself will do to ya. This author is tempting fate a little bit too often on this fic, methinks. woke up fro my mat and grinned at me. She flipped her long athletic mane and did a workout of her own. Screwball: I never thought it possible to have a mane that did sports. Gl1m0: And seeing as how that comment is coming from you, that’s really saying something. 20 hoof curls, 30 luges and she shot a biathlete. We both showered and toweled off but not too much so we could glisten with mucscular exertion. AJ: Ah bet that they’re shinier than-- Gl1m0: DON’T you DARE make that comparison. I felt better. All: Speak for yourself. "OMBA I saw u talking to Twilicorn Princess yesterday!" she said excitedly! Scootaloo: Yes, we know! That exclamation point thing already clued us in! AJ: An’ what’n the hay does “OMBA” mean, anyway? Gl1m0: Given the context and previous indicators, “Oh my bucking alicorn.” Screwball: So, she’s talking to her alicorn, who is good at kickin’ stuff. Gl1m0: Well, she’s obviously not talking to “Meddle”, then. "Yeah so?" I said, holding back a manly blush. Gl1m0: It’s normal. A blush can’t be ANYTHING aside from manly. "You like her" she said as we went downstairs where mom had made breakfast of victory and stern angst. It tasted like oats. AJ: “Angsty-O’s”; part of a complete breakfast. Screwball: And then I said, “Oatmeal, why you taste so meddle?” "No I so bucking don't" I shouted. "Yeah right!" she said. Just then, Twilicorn ranged the doorbell. Gl1m0: AS IF THINGS COULDN’T BE ANY MORE WORSE, I HAVE TO EXPLORE THIS *BULLSHIT AGAIN!?!* AJ: You don’t really like those kinda mistakes, do ya pard? "Hi." she said flirtily. "Hi." I said flirtily. Screwball: So. *DEEP.* "Guess what." she said flirtily. Gl1m0: The story is over? AJ: Apples a day actually don’t keep the Doctor away? "What?" I said flirtily. Screwball: “As it turns out, yer a Marty Stu. We’ll need to put you down.” "You two are so cute" Trixie said flirtily. Gl1m0: THERE ARE OTHER ADJECTIVES BESIDES “FLIRTILY” YOU KNOW! AND “FLIRTILY” ISN’T EVEN AN ADJECTIVE TO BEGIN WITH! …Speaking of which… (scribbles in the dictionary) …Aaaand now you’ve just been half-validated. Feel proud, author… while you still can. "Shut up you're adopted," Twilicorn and I said. We all laughed. Scootaloo: We did too. After we were done crying, of course. Gl1m0: …I never stopped. (sobs a little bit) Screwball: Pfft. Pussy. "So" "Yeah." "So what do you wanna do today?" "I dunno" Screwball: *SO. DEEP.* "Maybe," Twilicorn said we can go inspect Cloudsdale for the upcoming games!" AJ: And that has been Twilight’s favorite pastime since… never. Gl1m0: Doesn’t this guy’s mom already kind of cover that job, anyway? The pointlessness of these plot devices PAINS me. Screwball: No word on the misplacement of quotation marks? I’m disappointed, Glowy. Gl1m0: What are you talking abou—? …Oh, piss off. "oH. mY. bUCKING. aLICORN." I screamed. Gl1m0: If you listen closely, you can almost hear the mournful cries of a heavily-abused caps lock key, begging for a kind soul to put it out of its misery. Screwball: I’d be feelin’ for that Shift key, too. Cloudsdale is my favorite place to inspect besides Harshwhinnia. Scootaloo: …Okay, but why? Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: “Because clouds”, apparently. "Well…… do you want to go with me?" she asked. I gasped. Gl1m0: “GREAT SCOTT!” Screwball: The generic love interest is showing generic interest in love?! STOP THE PRESSES, WE NEED THIS IN PRINT! AJ: Whew nelly, is it jus’ me or are these chapters gettin’ *worse?* Gl1m0: At least they’re short, so thank God for that. Scootaloo: Uh, the screen says that there’s… ten more. AJ: Ten whole chapters of *this...?* Screwloose: (whines) Gl1m0: My thoughts exactly. It just can't be over 'til it's over. Chpater 3 Gl1m0: So, a chpater… Sounds like a monster from an H.P. Lovecraft novel. (AN: I can't start 2 complane abt flamming from NERDS until u GIVE ME SOEM FLAMES!!!! Screwball: “UR sTOR13s SUX N UR FAM1lee SUX & U is A DUM@S$!!!1!” …How was that? Gl1m0: Aside from shattering my perspective on pronouncing symbols, quite well, actually. Odderwize guess I'll just fic more ok) AJ: Please don’t. Scootaloo: It’s too late. He fic’d more. Gl1m0: (to self while writing in dictionary) *…‘Fic’; verb: the act of writing piles of mediocre slop with the hopes of self-fulfillment; also see: deviantART…* To get ready for the inspection I went back to my gym and flew 30 laps. AJ: Ah wonder how he managed to keep track of ‘em. Screwball: He’s a Stu, he’s got a friggin’ counter implanted into his brain. Gl1m0: What don’t they have implanted in their brain? In between the laps I did flips on the parallel bars. The parallel bars were pole vaults so I vaulted 50 feet. I was working up a sweat so I slicked back my mane with Gu energy gel. Gl1m0: It’s amazing what you can buy with money these days. Scootaloo: Huh… “energy” gel? Isn’t it supposed to be “mane gel”, or…? Screwloose: Bark, bark! Gl1m0: No, it’s exactly what you think it is. Let it sink in. I did a long jump and soared out of the house entirely. But I didn't beat my own record so I felt depressed. Screwball: Failing to live up to his mighty Stu legacy is not an easy thing to accept. I kicked an earth pony and ate lunch. Gl1m0: Ah, because the word “buck” in this context would imply a COMPLETELY different connotation, so you settled for “kick”. Smart move, story. You have saved yourself from the full extent of my wrath. Mom did her own training. It tasted like oats. Scootaloo: I… think that he must really like oats, then. Screwloose: Bark. Gl1m0: “You don’t say.” Hm, well said. I went outside. Twilicorn was waiting there in frot of her hot air balloon which had racing stripes. Screwball: It’s a proven scientific fact; painting racing stripes on something makes it go faster. AJ: That don’t make any sense… Screwball: Precisely. That’s why it works. She wore a T shirt saying "I inspected Fillydelphia & all I got was this lousy shirt" Gl1m0: …Points for the reference, but that’s ALL you get. Screwball: What, no mention of the fact that-- Gl1m0: I KNOW ALICORNS CAN’T WEAR T-SHIRTS, SHUT UP! (we were going to inspect FillyD on the way too), which was spandex and showed off her brain muscles. Scootaloo: So… if that’s true, wouldn’t there be a hole in her head, or something? Screwball: The Stu obviously has X-ray vision, so of course not! Gl1m0: I wonder if that means he can also see through her clo…wait, that’s a bit pointless; ponies don’t wear clothes. (thinks about this for a moment) …Oh lord, I’m surrounded by the equine equivalent of naked females. Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: Well, I suppose that straitjacket does count as clothing… (AN: Mucsles can b kewl on girlicorns too ok!!) AJ: Not sure if Ah should feel disgusted or embarrassed… Gl1m0: You do have a pretty well-built figure, if I may comment as such. AJ: ……Sugarcube, are you hittin’ on me? Gl1m0: What the hell—no! Jeez, take a simple compliment for a change! *Sheesh…* "Hi Twilicorn!" I said still depressed. Gl1m0: Your must be the most enthusiastically-depressed Marty Stu of all time. "Hi Medlle." She said back. AJ: Ah wonder if a constantly changin' the spelling of a name is another Stu power... Screwball: Or maybe... making us think that he has more Stu powers than he does is a Stu power in and of itself! We walked into her flying balloon (the ballast was gold meddles) and flew to Cloudsdale. Screwball: He's got swag in those sacks. Gl1m0: I really hope you're only referring to the medals. On the way we visited Fillydelphia and Appleloosa. They bribed us with drugs but the steroids weren't good enough for the international Eqeustrian Games. Gl1m0: They didn't match up to the Unfair Steroid Regulations. They had to at LEAST make the user slightly better than impossibly talented. When we got to the Games we flew out of the balloon. We went to the cloudsdale Stadium where athletes were competing. Scootaloo: What? Cloudsdale's not important enough to be capitalized, but a random stadium *is?* AJ: It's where the athletes were competing, Scoots. Screwball: That instantly makes it more important! Your argument has been invalidated! We inspected by competing. They handed us Powerthirsts and we all sang the powerthirst song. Screwball: "I WANNA HEAR YA YELL!" (starts headbanging) "Give Powerthirst to your foals and they'll be good at SPORTS! Make your foals fly ABNORMALLY FAST! Gl1m0: Because all the parents in Equestria WANT their kids to be abnormally fast. Uh-huh. Sure. Scootaloo: As fast as Rainbow Dash?! Gl1m0: ...Sure. Maybe even faster. Scootaloo: Aw yeah, SWEET! They'll fly as fast as ZEBRANS! People will watch them flying and think they're ZEBRANS! Gl1m0: Because apparently "Zebrans" can fly. Uh-huh. Sure. AJ: Ah'm sure Zecora is keepin' somethin' from us... They'll fly as fast as ZEBRANS! Against actual ZEBRANS! Then it'll be a tie and they'll be deported back to ZEBRA!" (AN: I don't own dese lyrics) Screwball: He jacked 'em from a racist third-grader's notebook. Screwloose: Bark, bark. Gl1m0: "And he'd be much better off without them." True, true. We flew in the Young Flyer's Competition. Rainbow Dashicorn was there. Gl1m0: Alicorns. Alicorns everywhere. AJ: Really, Ah'm just waiting for "Applecorn" to show up sooner 'r later. "Dashicorn is so bucking hot." Screwball: "Just look at how her mane catches fire in the sunlight..." I said to Twilicorn, pointing to her as she rainboomed and got silver after me. AJ: ...Wait, who "rainboomed"? Rainbow or Twilight? Gl1m0: You're still hung up on that? I was just about call bullshit on Rainbow losing to this guy. Suddenly Twilicorn looked sad. Gl1m0: And I felt mad. AJ: While Ah felt glad... that Ah'm not in this story. Screwball: Meanwhile, I've been bad~! Gl1m0: ...where the hell did my fez go? Wait... *SCREWBALL!!* Screwball: You're so cute when you're flustered. Gl1m0: (snatches back the stylish headgear) For Luna's sake, act your age already! Frig... "What's wrong?" I asked as we raced to a tie. Then I caught on. Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Obviously, she's so amazed by my all-encompassing awesomeness that she's been sucked dry of all hope of ever matching my awesomeness. Yes, that's it." "Hey it's ok I think YOU'RE a better athelete!" I said as we flew. "Really?" emoted Twilicorn as she put her wing around me. Screwball: [Meddle] "L0LNOP3! U IS 5UX0RS! >:D" Scootaloo: ...Did she just say "El-zero-el-no-three! You is five-u-ex-zero-ar-ess! Greater-than colon-D?" Gl1m0: Yeah. She got stuck inside our internet connection for a month. Picked up on some new speaking habits. Screwball: 5hut up, n00b! D:< Gl1m0: ...Don't ask. "Really." I said. "Besides we don't ever have to mention Dashicorn again since I learned to rainboom from watching her. Gl1m0: I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that we were reading a friggin' Pokemon fanfic. Screwball: Meddle is best not-Smeargle. She can go back to her lesbians with Applejack." I said disgustedly AJ: ........ Gl1m0: And as it turns out, you ARE mentioned in the story. AJ: FER THE LUVA GRANNY SMITH, AH DON'T *SWING THAT WAY! WHY DO ALL THESE FANFICS KEEP ASSUMIN' THAT JUNK?!* Screwball: I think that AJ may be slightly upset. even though lesbians is totally ok and hot to watch. Scootaloo: Um... "lesbians" is when two girls are... you know... "liking" each other, right? Gl1m0: Er... yes, essentially. It's bound to happen in societies that are predominantly female, since there's a lot of competition for "owning" the males. AJ: Buckin' horseapples, Ah ain't *a lesbian!* Screwball: It totally is hot, by the way. Just sayin'. Gl1m0: ...Screwball, is there something you're not telling me? The inspection went really well so I awarded Cloudsdale the Equestrian games. Gl1m0: I can just imagine the look on Rainbow's face... Screwball: [Rainbow] "About buckin' time, ya hornheads!" So did Twilicorn. And my mom, so it was anonymous. After the inspection, we took our gold medals and everyone asked for our autographs, including Dashicorn and Raricorn (AN: who's not an alicorn she just calls herself that). AJ: Oh, so Rarity is the only one who ain't an alicorn? Right. Gotcha. Gl1m0: Makes sense. She learned her lesson way back then. Screwball: [Rarity] "WING BURNS, SUN BAD!" Twilicorn and I vaulted back into the baalloon, but she didn't fly us home, instead she flew us into……… the Everfree Forest! Screwloose: BARK! Gl1m0: "PLOT TWIST!" Couldn't have said it better myself, Lucy. Screwball: Need an ominous, dark place to get lost and/or die in? BAM! EVERFREE FOREST! IS BEAUTIFUL! AJ: An' we're only a quarter-ways done, too... Cahpter 4… Screwball: GET... TO... THE... CAHPTER! Gl1m0: That's "choppah", you dink. Screwball: That's what I said! CAHPTER! Gl1m0: ...You're special. That's all I can say. (AN: By speshl req I wuz askd 2 make thisc hapter about sexs! Gl1m0: Aw, damn. This is gonna hurt. Scootaloo: Why? What's wrong? AJ: (covers Scootaloo's eyes) This is fer your own good, sugarcube! Scootaloo: Hey...! What gives, I can't see! Screwball: Perfect! ONWARDS! DON'T REED THE PARTS U THNK SUX! AJ: Were that true, we'd be done already. Gl1m0: It already feels like a hollow dream, now... & B4 u ask its moral becuz TWILICORN IS IN LUV W/Metal! Dey got marryed b4 dis fic ok?) Gl1m0: Pardon me, but *WHAT.* AJ: This story jus' went from terrible to genocidal. Screwball: Well, that wasn't in poor taste at all. Nope. Gl1m0: ...You know, most brony's hearts would probably fail from this kind of shock, but I'd like to think I'm weathered to it. Scootaloo: I still can't see! What's going on?! "SPARKLES!" I questioned. "What the buck do you think you re doing?" Screwball: Leaving you alone for dead, duh. VENGEANCE IS BEST SERVED COLD, BEE-YOTCH! Twilicorn didn't answer but leaped down from the balloon into the forest. AJ: Where she fell and broke her leg. Screwball: In fifteen places. Screwloose: Bark. Gl1m0: "And died." Before being eaten by flesh-melting shrews. I walked after her, wanting to know what the buck she was doing. "What the bucking buck!" I asked. Gl1m0: I'd question the lack of a question mark, but then I'd be needing a question mark that obviously doesn't exist. "Meddle?" she asked. "WHAT" I asked. Gl1m0: Yes, WHAT! Screwball: WAHT. AJ: Wut? Screwloose: Bark? Scootaloo: ......what? Gl1m0: Exactly. Twilicorn leaned in extra-close and I lookked into her muscular open eyes (that she was staring at me with). Screwball: [Meddle] "Hey, is that a little man inside your eye, spying on me? Hello, spy!" AJ: Actually, right now, Ah wouldn't be so surprised if she were a robot. Gl1m0: ...So you do remember the communist squirrels. AJ: Can we not talk about it... They were like open windows. Gl1m0: -that were letting in one hell of a stank. They reflected the silver meddle around her neck and I realized why she was so sad. Suddenly I wanted to cry too. Gl1m0: LET THE LIQUID PRIDE FLOW THROUGH YOU! AJ: And out, preferably. Otherwise, he'd wet himself. Screwball: But that would be funny as heck! Scootaloo: What's funny? I still can't see, guys...! Gl1m0: I'm impressed and yet not at all surprised that you can securely restrain her. AJ: Well, Ah don't like to boast... Screwball: Pfft. Earth ponies. And then…… just as suddenly while I was Twilicorn Screwball: "No, Meddle... YOU are Twilicorn!" Gl1m0: [Meddle] "But... but... THAT'S IMPOSSIBRU!" passionately climbed on top of me and got to first base. Gl1m0: Now quick, run to second! Hurry, hurry! Or else you'll get tagged! "Oh Twilicorn." I said while we kissed afflictionately. Then we started to make out. Screwball: -the fuzzy image of a manticore. AJ: Then they were both eaten alive. With applesauce. Gl1m0: And there was much rejoicing. "Oh! OH! Ooooohh!!" I screamed. She was giving me an ejaculation. AJ: Ah don't suppose it was gift-wrapped, eh? Screwball: Ew, that's nasty! You don't gift-wrap it! You gotta put a bowtie on it; everyone knows that! Gl1m0: After all, bowties are cool. We kissed harder. I took off all her clothes and her bra. Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Why were you even wearing one?" Screwball: [Twilicorn] "Well, artists like drawing us with 'em cuz they're sex-ee!" Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Good 'nuff for me!" I don't wear clothes because I'm a pony. AJ: Then why the hay was Twilight wearin' em? Screwball: [Twilicorn] "'Cuz they're sex-eeeeee, that's why!" Then we took off each others's cutiemarks so we were totally naked for you know what. Gl1m0: You know, if Pinkie Pie from Cupcakes had actually known that cutie marks were easily removable, then she could have saved both her and Rainbow a lot of trouble. Screwball: Silly logic, sense is for perfume! I put my hoof between her legs and her navel was wet. Gl1m0: "Dammit, sorry! Spilled some of my Icee..." I rubbed it Screwball: -and a genie popped out, who then granted them three wishes. Gl1m0: [Meddle] "I wish..... for three more wishes!" AJ: [Genie] "Dangit, man!" and she put my thing inside. We did it for the first time. And then…… Screwball: He came. AJ: ...... Screwball: ...to the ball game. AJ: ...yeah, that's loads better. "wHAT THE HAY ART THOU DOING THY MOTHERBUKERS" said the rOYAL cANTERLOT vOICE Gl1m0: "Don't come in; we're not decent! Come to think of it, we're never decent!" Screwloose: Bark, bark! Bark! Screwball: Ohhh, snap! Lucy, you got a dirty mind, you do! Scootaloo: Okay, seriously, what's going on!? Let me go, AJ...! AJ: Not until this is over, Scoot! It was………… AJ: A bird! Scootaloo: A... plane? Gl1m0: No, its... the Spanish Inquisition! Screwball: "NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" (AN: I AM ENDING THIS CH. ON A CLIFFHANGER) All: Oh, is that so!? Screwball: SO, MANY, CLIFFHANGERS! *SO. INTENSE.* AJ: Got that right... Gl1m0: Jeez, that was perhaps the WORST depiction of "the act" that I've ever read! I think it would actually be work-safe because of how poorly-descriptive it is! Hell, even Scootaloo could have seen it and been alright! It's just THAT bad! Scootaloo: See?! Now let me go, AJ! I still can't see! AJ: ...Fine, then. (lets go of Scootaloo) Ah hope you know what you're doin', sugarcube. Gl1m0: Well, don't look now, but here comes yet another chapter. Wow, these are actually really short... cHAPTER 5 Gl1m0: That crying of the Caps Lock is starting to becoming a wail... Screwball: Especially since Princess Capslock herself is about to get in on the action. (AN: all u NERDS sayin Luna iz o OC 4 her swears r DUM…… she iz from teh show & not maed up) AJ: Sugarcube... Ah think they meant OOC, not OC. Gl1m0: He's not even gonna admit to cocking-up with the Trixie thing, is he? Calling her an OC... I think some phone calls are in order. Screwball: Yeah, see, about that...... our phone service is maxed-out. Again. ...Tee-hee. Gl1m0: ...GODDAMMIT, SCREWBALL! It was……… (AN: I sed that last tyme but in case u forgot) Gl1m0: It was only just last chapter! HOW THE HELL COULD WE *FORGET?!* Scootaloo: Well, I didn't even get to read it, so... Princesscorn Luna! Screwball: All hail Princess Capslock! AJ: Ya know, the Princess doesn't take kindly to that term. Screwball: Who cares, she doesn't even know about us! We're a big secret for a reason, ya know! Gl1m0: (muttering) And one that might soon get spoiled, because of your *careless escapades, I might add...* Luna made Twilicorn and I follow thee. Thou kept shouting at us angrily. Gl1m0: I had no idea that a fic could suddenly swap, not only perspectives, but standard terminology, too. Screwball: You know, it's almost as if we're living a thousand years ago! Coolio! "THOU BUCKING LUCRETIOUS FOOLS" she angrily shouted. Scootaloo: Luna can be reall scary when she's mad... Gl1m0: And apparently, she also makes up words in her spare time. The hell does "lucretious" even mean? Guh.... (writes down in dictionary) ...I'd better not have the good conscious to return this to Twilight anytime soon. She'll murder me dead, and not just for mucking-up her book. AJ: Sugarcube, you're only bringin' it on yerself... My ears were bleeding down my muscular face. Twilicorn kissed them. AJ: Well, ain't that sweet. Gl1m0: As sour grapes, AJ. As sour grapes. I cried manly tears of shame. Luna took us back to the royal Castle of the Princesscorn Sisters. Princesscorns were alicorns that got doublecorned Screwball: "THE CORNS HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!" Screwloose: Bark bark, bark... Gl1m0: "Because there wasn't any other reference that could have been made." Right you are, Lucy. to raise the planets and rule the Equestrian International games Committeee. They were angry. Gl1m0: But, story, you can't just TELL us what the characters are feeling! THAT MAKES ME FEEL *ANGRY!* "THOU WERE PRACTICING SYNCHRONIZED COPULATION IN YONDER BUCKING EVERFREE!" Luna furiously voiced. Gl1m0: [Meddle] "NOT TRUE! ...Who the hell said we were practicing?" Screwball: [Twilicorn] "Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" AJ: Ah never knew painful-to-read cloppin' could compare to an actual sport. Gl1m0: It takes skill to suck that bad, so it makes sense I guess. "Your mediocre behavior was unfitting of the professional and sportsmarelike atmosphere which the International Equestrian Love games strives to achieve," lectured Princesscorn Cadunce. Screwball: Duhhhh, her name is Cadunce! Huehuehuehue. Gl1m0: There's more than one way to express your dislike for an out-of-left-field headcanon-shattering alicorn, I suppose... "i wasnt invited" said Princesscorn Celestia. Screwball: Sorry Celly, they musta ran outta invites. Rainbow Dash was pretty adamant to get in, you see. Scootaloo: HEY! "HOW DARE THOU?" demandeth Princesscorn Luna. Gl1m0: Rather easily, as a matter of fact. Screwball: It was basically, "I dare you to sex me up, stud!" And then stuff happened. Gl1m0: All kinds of stuffy stuff. And stuff. And then Twilicorn shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" AJ: Well. That happened. Screwball: Instantaneous sex changes are all the rage nowadays. Everyone was quiet. Gl1m0: Except for the porter, who wouldn't stop bitching about having to carry all of Meddle's medals. Them's is heavy. Luna and Cadunce still looked disapproving but Celestia said. "oh ok i guess u can go" Screwball: Celly don't give a buck. AJ: But Ah do. Ah'd buck Meddle twice in the jaw, if Ah hafta. Twilicorn and I went upstairs to my room while the princesscorns glared at us. "Are you ok Meddle?" Twilicorn asked. Gazing into my eyes with tenderness. "Yeah" I lied. AJ: Gosh, Ah wonder what else he lied about. Screwball: He probably was faking it during the sex, I'll bet. Scootaloo: During the wha...? Gl1m0: Oh goddammit, I'm gonna go to hell for this. Screwball: Well, look on the bright side: You got a two mile head-start down there! ...Get it? Gl1m0: ...I hate you. So. Much. I went to my locker room and slicked back my mane and flexed in the mirror. Despite my trembling muscular angst Screwball: *He's a shake, shake, shakin'~! Shake shake shakin'~! Shakin' his boo-tay! Shakin' his boooo-tay~!* Gl1m0: Screwball, don't make me strangle you, because by Celestia's beard, I WILL. I did 30 bench presses and showered. When I came out… AJ: Everyone had died. Screwball: A true happy ending, don't you think? Gl1m0: Eh. I'd be happier if he just blew up from the sheer internal pressure of his wangst. Twilicorn was in the locker room, and she dropped to one knee. AJ: Wouldn't that be painful? Gl1m0: With four legs? Yeah, probably. Jeez, are these actually ponies, or anthros, or hell, even just humanizations? Make up your damn mind, story! Stop sticking your head up your own cavernous asshole! "Meddle will you marry me" she asked. Gl1m0: ...... AJ: (covers Scootaloo's ears) Fer yer own good, Scoots. Scootaloo: Hey...! What is it this time?! Gl1m0: ...Fucking... BULLSHIT! You asked him to marry you?! That is BY ITSELF a complete and total blasphemy--but oh no, THAT'S not what I'm mad about! According to the author himself, YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING MARRIED TO HIM! "Dey got marryed b4 dis fic" he said! THEN HOW THE FUCK IS THAT COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY SEX SCENE JUSTIFIED NOW?!THIS STORY IS NOTHING BUT A BIG CLUSTERFUCK OF TERRIBLE PLOTTING, STIFF AS CARDBOARD CHARACTERS, AND ABSOLUTELY ATROCIOUS SPELLING AND GRAMMAR! FUCK THIS STORY, AAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!! All: ...... AJ: (lets go of Scootaloo's ears) You feelin' okay, sugarcube? Gl1m0: ...not very. Sorry, but... I tend to fly off the handle when a story like this comes along. Screwball: Oh, this is nothing. You shoulda seen him when he first heard about Equestria Gir--(Gl1m0 reaches over and, literally, zips her mouth shut)--MMPH! Mmm, mmmmph! AJ: Uh... what was she-- Gl1m0: NOTHING!! ...I mean, uh, nothing at all. You need not concern yourself with it, is all I'm saying. AJ: O...kay.... Scootaloo: ...Uh, weren't we supposed to be reading this? Gl1m0: Ah, yes... um... right. Almost forgot, eh-heh... Screwball: (flails her forelegs in the air angrily) MMMMPH! AJ: Ah think Ah like her better this way. Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: Agreed. Now, where were we... I was so flattered even though she wasn't supposed to be in the colt's room. Gl1m0: Oh, he's gonna be in for quite a shock when he finds out the truth... Screwball: Mmmmph! Mmmm... (fumbles with the zipper on her mouth, but fails) MMMPH! Gl1m0: I'm actually really enjoying this. We hugged and kissed on the lips. After that, we said goodnight and she reluctantly went back to her own gym. AJ: A single sentence without any sort of mistake 'r pacin' problems? In this story? Gl1m0: Truly, these are the end of times. Mom made me dinner. It tasted like oats. All except Screwball: *Yes, we know, you like oats. We get it already.* Gl1m0: It makes me wonder, though; he likes oats a lot... and in the fandom, at least in the places I've been, "oats" is another word for senseless and sometimes NSFW randomness being posted on image boards... Hm... Connection, maybe? AJ: Ah really don't know, or care; Ah jus' wanna get done with this. Scootaloo: It can't be over soon enough! At least some other stories I've read with my friends were actually *readable...* Gl1m0: Tell you what; the next chapter is the halfway mark. After that, we'll take a break. AJ: You can take breaks? How? Gl1m0: (holds up remote control) Why, the "Pause" button of course! AJ: ...You mean to say... we have complete control of the story. Gl1m0: Why, yes. Yes we do. AJ: ...and we're only jus' stoppin' now. Gl1m0: Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound like a masochist or something. But hey, I have a job to do! AJ: ...... Scootaloo: Can we just... you know... move on? Screwball: MMMMMPPHH! Gl1m0: Ugh... fine, I'll undo your zipper. AJ: That'd probably sound weird out-of-context... [[Gl1m0 unzips Screwball's mouth, and she starts taking in huge breaths of air.]] Screwball: Dang it Glowy, don't do that! You know I hate it when you do that! Gl1m0: Exactly. Which is why I do it. NEXT CHAPTER! Chatper 6! Screwball: Whoo, last chapter before the break, yeah! Gl1m0: Actually, it's a "chatper." AJ: As in what? Chat per... pony? Ah dunno... (AN: STOP TALLING ME THE FIC NEEDS MOR HARSHWINNNY OK FINE SENCE U AKSED 4 IT I DOIT) Gl1m0: Gosh, there's no need to yell. Scootaloo: Who's "Harshwinnny"? Gl1m0: It's "Harshwhinny." Equestria Games inspector. Starred in Season 3, Episode 11, "Games Ponies Play". Scootaloo: ...huh? Gl1m0: Sorry... eidetic memory. Partially, at least; what few things I do remember, I remember them vividly. Ironically, I can't remember how I even ended up working with these weirdos... Screwball: It was because of my fun and exciting personality! And, teehee... "other" charms... AJ: Egh... Gl1m0: ...Not like that! Screwball, I swear...! Screwball: Kidding~! You're so fun to mess with! The next day I woke up on my exercise mat. Screwball: -wondering where his pants had gone. Scootaloo: But... I though he didn't wear clothes? Screwball: He's put on a pair the night before. Scootaloo: But- Screwball: HE PUT ON A PAIR THE NIGHT BEFORE. I practiced some caber fencing and wing backflips. I did 30 crunches and 40 tail lifts and 50 mountain climbs and shot a biathlete. AJ: That biathlete jus' can't catch a break. Gl1m0: But apparently, he can catch bullets. There were Games later so I put on my Equestria national costume and made sure my muscles glistered with sweat. Gl1m0: So if tears are Liquid Pride... then sweat must be Liquid Shame. Screwball: It is a shame that he was chosen to represent Equestria. Those costumes are so tacky. AJ: Rarity'd flip a table if she saw one. My mom wasn't there to make me breakfast Gl1m0: Which often taste like oats, or so I hear. so I beat up an earth pony and took his Wheaties. Screwball: THE POWER OF FIBRE COMPELS YOU! I was on the box. I ate a bowl full with extra sugar and teststosorone. Gl1m0: He forgot that Wheaties are only part of a complete breakfast. AJ: He'll be sore for missing out on those muffins and apple fritters. Derpy: Did somepony say muffins? Gl1m0: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU-- AJ: AH-HEM! Language! Gl1m0: You're not my mother, okay?! Seriously, HOW in the hell did DERPY get ALL THE WAY DOWN-- AJ: She's gone. Gl1m0: ....WHAT. AJ: She saw we didn't have any muffins, then left. Gl1m0: ...Yeah, stopped caring now. It'll be healthier for me that way. Screwball: (pats him on back) Good boy, Glowy! You're learning! Gl1m0: Oh shut up... Then I went to the Equestria international Games Comittee meeting to choose cities to inspect. Suddenly someone bumped into me. Screwball: "Oh dear, TERRIBLY sorry! It will likely happen again!" "Bastard!" I shoulted angrily. Gl1m0: (writing in dictionary while muttering) ...'*Shoult'; verb: the act of verbally expressing disapproval of someone else's act of stupidity; also see: "whambulance"...* I regretted saying it as soon as I looked up cause it was the most athletic mare I have ever seen. Screwball: So, instead of "bastard", he should have called her a "bitch". AJ: *Hey!* Screwball: Just trying to be gender-accurate here, jeez. She had bulging muscules and a diminuitive sneer and a short cropped blond mane. AJ: This had better not be me... Gl1m0: I doubt it. Your don't sneer, nor is your mane cut short. And I wouldn't exactly say "bulging" muscles... AJ: ...That's very comfortin', pard. Gl1m0: Just trying to help, is all... She wore as many gold medals as me, minus one. Gl1m0: Logic. Why have you forsaken us. Scootaloo: As many as him, but less? ...Ow! Brain hurts... She had taken off her purple sweater and her earrings Screwball: Well, she's definitely not AJ then... AJ: Phew... Screwball: ...she's too masculine to wear earrings and the color purple. AJ: ...Are you tryin' to make me mad, sugarcube? and was wearing spandex showing off the contour of her ripped abdominals. Along with her muscles she had curved flanks and pony breasts. AJ: Not sure if anthro, or still nursin'. Screwball: Not sure if sex-ay, or creep-ay. Gl1m0: Not sure if teasing, or impending clopfic... She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her. Screwball: [Meddle] "Wow, she's soooo sexy and OH BUCKING CELESTIA I'M ON FIRE!!" Except I didn't get an erection because that would have been sick and wrong. Gl1m0: Being attracted to someone like that is bad, and you should feel bad Screwball: Why so many fetishes, writers? Why? "I'm so sorry" she said in a demure voice. Gl1m0: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. That's amusing. Glorious. HA HA. She sounds so demure, even though she's an athlete? HA. Hilarious. Heehee. Screwball: Aw man, his mind is finally gone... AJ: And you can tell... how, exactly? Gl1m0: ...I NEED SCISSORS! STAT!! Screwball: I can just tell, is all. "That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. "My name's Miss Harshwhinnny, although most people call me Triplecorn these days." She complained. Scootaloo: I can see why she's complaining; that name *stinks.* Screwloose: Bark! Gl1m0: "Seconded." With joy. AJ: Lemme guess; a triple alicorn, then? Gl1m0: ...Oh fuck, I'm getting those Mykan flashbacks again... (winces) ...Urrgh! Pain...! AJ: What's wrong with *him?* Screwball: The breakdown of My Little Unicorn... Oh, those were dark days in the CRF... "Oh yeah hi mom. Why?" I exclaimed. Gl1m0: *WHAT.* AJ: H-he was oglin' his own MOTHER?! Screwball: Well, in fairness, he did say it was sick and wrong. AJ: But he still looked at her! You jus'... don't do that! Gl1m0: REALLY? NO COMMENT ON THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY ASKED FOR HIS OWN MOTHER'S *NAME?!* Screwball: Oh yeah, that. That too. "Because I'm like a princesscorn except they princesscorn you twice and it takes away your wings and horn because you're so awesome you don't need them any more." she giggled. Screwball: Ah, The Mary Sue Mother of the Stu. It all makes sense. Gl1m0: Except it doesn't! It completely goes against canon; she's NOT as powerful as that, she's just an earth pony inspector who appeared inONE EPISODE! You can't just "Sueify" a canon character and use that as an excuse to make a horrible, OP Marty Stu offspring! Holy shit, this story is really testing my patience...! Scootaloo: That break can't come soon enough... "Me too because it's genetic!" I confessed. "Except I kept the wings and horn because I like them." Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Not because it makes me look like a Marty Stu, no, of course not! I'm too awesome for that." "Really?" Triplecorn whimpered. Screwball: "HAHA, NOPE! They were claimed from the bodies of my victims! And you... ARE NEXT!" AJ: Matricide, much? Gl1m0: Poor taste all around. I think this fanfic is draining me of all proper reasoning. "Yeah." I roared. Scootaloo: ...That was a terrible roar. Screwball: Totally. Care to show 'em how it's done, Snowflake? Snowflake: YEEEEEEEAAAAAH!! Screwball: See, fillies? Learn from the master, or end up a disaster! Gl1m0: ...I won't question it. I don't care anymore. Please let it end. AJ: Sugarcube... you gonna be okay? Gl1m0: ...... We sat down to talk for a while. Then Twilicorn came up behind me and told me she had a surprise for me so I went away with her. Screwball: I'll bet the surprise is cupcakes. Meddle loves those. Gl1m0: Well then, I wonder how much he'll enjoy making those. By being one. AJ: Well, six chapters to go... Gl1m0: Oh hell no, we're taking a break. Right. Now. AJ: Fer a change, Ah agree completely. Scootaloo: Same here. Screwloose: Bark! Screwball: Pfft, wimps! (everyone glares at her) ...What? So what if I'm desensitized to this stuff! It's funny! Gl1m0: That remains to be seen. Now come on, I've forgotten how hungry I've gotten... [[He presses the "Pause" button on the remoter, and the fanfic stops while a light that reads "BREAK" flashes overhead. The five stand back up, and walk through a newly-opened door into the Lounge.]] --Part 2, Coming Soon--
Non-Canon: Applejack Is Full Of SquirrelsHallo! Welcome to another Brimstone-loaded spa of death known as Brony Nerd Theatre 42000 with very-special guest, the host of the MLP/MST Archive thingy, TheAuthorGl1m0. This time, I have no words. No words at all. This is crazy, insane, off-it’s-rocker, you name another synonym. This is a crossover between My Little Pony, Metal Gear Solid, and squirrels. This is “Applejack Is Full Of Squirrels” and this is crazy. So let’s dig into this episode of BNT42K. TheAuthorGl1m0’s Notes: Salutations, benefactors! TheAuthorGl1m0 here, joining Luigilewis889 on his riff of... well, you can read what he wrote, can’t you? Honestly. Anyway, when he asked for another riffer to help out with this riff, well, I figured it was about time I answered the call of duty (for once). Hope you enjoy reaping what we’ve sowed! Lewis: Dum-de-dum... Let’s see... if I do this... (A light appears, forming TheAuthorGl1m0 and Applejack) Applejack: ...The heck? TheAuthorGl1m0: What the... how’d we end up here? This isn’t the CRF... Lewis: Teleport. Pinkie has access to mine. Name’s Lewis. Gl1m0: Oh, uh... makes sense. I’m TheAuthorGl1m0, and uh, this is Applejack. But, you can just call me Gl1m0. Or... “Glowy”, as Pinkie likes to call me for some reason... Lewis: Yep, Pinkie and her nicknames. I’m off scot-free, mostly because of the entire controlling part of the universe thing. Gl1m0: Controlling the... uh... am I missing something here? Lewis: Okay, it’s not exactly controlling, more I can manipulate reality slightly. With a lot of effort. And machinery. But Pinkie gets candy, and I’m mostly left alone. Apart from the riffs. Gl1m0: Wait... you do riffs too? AJ: Heck, we just finished escaping from one of those just now... Gl1m0: Hence, why I was wondering why I got teleported HERE, and not where I WANTED to go. Lewis: Well, if I know Pinkie... Pinkie: (From TV) HI GUYS! Lewis: Called it. Gl1m0: Oh for god’s sake, not this again... Lewis: Well, what’s it this time? (Door and window swing shut) Pinkie: I have absolutely no idea! But it’s called Applejack Is Full Of Squirrels, so enjoy! AJ: Ah’m full of what-now? Gl1m0: That title alone makes my brain cry out for release... Lewis: Eh, I’ve had worse. You should’ve seen My Little Immortal, or Friendship is Ninjas. Gl1m0: Actually, I don’t think I would’ve liked to see those. Pinkie: I’ve got transcripts! (A buzzer goes off) Gl1m0 & AJ: We’ve got story sign! (Awkward pause) Gl1m0: ...Hey, what gives? Lewis: Not now, not ever! It was on a bright and sunny autumn afternoon when Cheerilee squatted above her flower garden on the edge of Ponyville. Lewis: Teabagging flowers is an acceptable sport in Ponyville. Gl1m0: Cheerilee’s a gold medalist in that. She hummed a quaint tune, her teeth clenched over the handle of a watering can as she tended to a bright, blossoming rose bush. After a prolonged moment of bliss, Lewis: Is she watering flowers, or doing something else... Gl1m0: Well, tending to nature’s beauty is quite self-satisfying. Not that I would know... she heard heavy hoofsteps clamoring towards her from the edge of the Everfree Forest bordering the town. "Hmm?" Cheerilee tilted her face up, blinking. Lewis: No! Don’t blink! Don’t even blink! An orange shape limped towards the grassy embankment, teetering left and right. As Applejack came into focus, her face held a dazed look. Gl1m0: She’s been hittin’ the cider again. AJ: Ah have not! She wobbled suddenly to her left, Lewis: (Singing) It’s a jump to your left. And a step to your ri-i-i-i-ight! veering, and bumped into a tree several times. This went on for a good ten seconds. AJ: An’ carried on fer a not-so-good twenty seconds. Gl1m0: Finishing off with a positively terrible thirty seconds. And that, my friends, is the Minute of Madness. Cheerilee slowly, slowly raised an eyebrow. At last, Applejack froze in her tracks, pivoted with a quiet whir, and stomped towards the schoolteacher. She stopped within a hair's inch of Cheerilee's flinching hooves. When Applejack exhaled, it was as if emitting a phantom gust of steam. Gl1m0: Jeez AJ, when was the last time you brushed your teeth? AJ: ...Brushin’ teeth? Huh? "Felicitous greetings, pony of mane most fuschia," Applejack spoke, each syllable pronounced with bombastic gusto. "Upon where can it be found the acorn of size resplendent?" AJ: Uh... WHAT? Gl1m0: Wow Applejack, I never knew your Aunt loaned you that thesaurus! AJ: That’s because she DIDN’T! Cheerilee's eyelashes fluttered. "Mmmf—mmmff-mmmf! Mmm—" She spat her watering can out and smiled. "Why, whatever are you talking about, Applejack?" "Acorn most large, brought here by malevolent intrigue; into anxiety ceaselessing, we seek it." Lewis: Uhh... Is this AJ, or her twin cousin who’s the daughter of Luna? Gl1m0: Or perhaps the illegitimate stepchild of Fancy Pants? AJ: …… "Well, if you want an acorn that badly, you can buck just about any tree around these parts!" Cheerilee giggled lightly. "You of all ponies should be able to do that in a heartbeat." "This is an attempt at humor..." Applejack stared straight ahead. With a quiet hiss, Gl1m0: Oh dear, she’s sprung a leak. her eyes stretched in opposite directions then bounced back in place. Lewis: Boing! "Is it not?" "If I had any acorns to give you, I would, Applejack!" Cheerilee's expression stretched in concern. Gl1m0: Cheerilee’s face is made of rubber. New headcanon accepted. Boop! "Are you feeling alright?" "The pony of mane most fuschia expresses worry. Fear not, citizen of horse horse. Lewis: Has the powers of a horse, but is really... a horse! Apple of Jacked unit functions at exceptional parameters." Lewis: Robot imposters. It’s the only way this can make sense. Gl1m0: Need an excuse for radical OOCness? BAM! ROBOTS! Is beautiful! "It almost sounds like you've lost your accent. Gl1m0: “Lost”? Pfft. It took a freaking holiday to the Caribbean, that’s what it did. It could just be a head cold." Cheerilee leaned a hoof forward to touch Applejack's forehead. "Have you got a fever—?" The farm mare's orange coat was red hot to the touch. Cheerilee squeaked in pain AJ: Lil’ known fact, Miss Cheerilee is actually part mouse. and jerked her hoof back, blowing habitually on it. "M-my goodness!" "An accent. Accessing..." Applejack's head tilted twenty-five degrees to the right... forty-five degrees... ninety. Gl1m0: Well, that can’t be good for her neck. Lewis: She’s that robot thing with the miniature people in it from Doctor Who! I’m calling it! "Accessing..." Suddenly, with a piston noise, it snapped back into position, followed by a flickering of the pony's forest green eyes. "Affirmative. An accent. We have one." Lewis: No ya don’t. Silence reigned. Lewis: Silence will fall when the question is asked. "Yes... well..." Cheerilee eventually spoke, smiling nervously. "I wish your luck in finding... erm... acorns!" "It is no mere acorn that we search endlessly for," Applejack droned, looking directly over Cheerilee's head. "It is the Heart of the Ancient Sciuridae Empire, acquired through countless years of strife and bloodshed with the Heathen Confederacy of Chipmunk Feudal States. Gl1m0: “It also looks really cool on a mantlepiece.” They believe that the Rodent Goddess built incisors out of bone meal instead of tree bark. They shall all perish in a thousand righteous infernos for their heresy most abominable." Lewis: Sorry, I zoned out. What was that about Jedi? Or wizards? Or... whatever? It kinda blurs together. Gl1m0: Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just waiting for the movie. "Yes, well, if you're looking for... uhm... fall decorations..." Cheerilee turned and pointed over her shoulder at the bustling center of Ponyville. "Then I suggest you stop by your friend Pinkie Pie's Sugarcube Corner. Gl1m0: “I hear she’s making... ‘candies’ right about now. She’ll ‘treat’ you well.” AJ: Ugh, there’s one flashback Ah coulda done without... She's just now baking the latest dessert treats for the upcoming Autumn Harvest Dance." "Sugar of Corner Cubes?" Lewis: Eh, close enough. Gl1m0: “Good enough, let’s move on people!” Applejack's voice rang with metallic curiosity. AJ: Spoiler alert: it’s ‘cuz she’s metallic. Cheerilee opened her mouth, lingered, and blurted, "Close enough. Have a pleasant afternoon, Applejack!" she sing-songed. "Of this we are in unanimous agreementsing." Gl1m0: …… (starts scribbling in dictionary) AJ: Sugarcube, ya know that Twi is gonna hate ya for messin’ up her dictionary, right? Gl1m0: I’m willing to accept the risks. Lewis: Make sure LOL is in there. With a jerky spasm, Applejack half-curtsied, then raised a hoof up to tip her hat. She jabbed herself in the eye instead, but made no show of it. "Fare your wells, Berry of Punch." Lewis: Okay, now all I can imagine is a BERRY... PAWNCH! in a Falcon Punch style. Gl1m0: She’d be the worst F-Zero pilot of all time. AJ: “Pardon me ma’am, but do you know you were doin’ seven-thousand in a four-thousand zone? Have you been drinkin’ tonight?” Gl1m0: “NO, OFFICER!” *hiccup* "Uhm..." The school teacher squinted. "I'm Cheerilee..." "Best of luck to your kicking of the fermented quaff." Lewis: Umm... Okay? Gl1m0: “Be sure to make it a double kick, otherwise it’ll just get back up.” Applejack lumbered away, her face plowing through a half-barren tree branch and snapping twigs loose with the brim of her hat. Gl1m0: Well, looks like AJ’s finally... (puts on sunglasses) ...snapped. AJ: (facehoofs) Once she was several yards away, she ducked low behind a pile of fallen autumn leaves. Lewis: “Leaf down, leaf down! Get a freaking medic!” The green irises in Applejack's eyes rolled back, exposing pure white sockets. With a whirring noise, her brown hat tilted up. Steam vented out of a hollow space in the pony's skull. A furry body rose up, bearing goggles over his tiny, fuzzy cranium. Lifting his goggles, a bushy-tailed squirrel looked through a pair of binoculars, performing a detailed survey of Ponyville's downtown district. Lewis: Called it. Gl1m0: Squirrels... Should’ve known. "Psssst!" A voice hissed up from the hollow in Applejack's neck. "Do your see our destination?" "I think I found it," the one with the binoculars muttered. Lowering the binoculars, he pointed with a clawed finger towards a bright pink shape in the distance. "Over there. The building shaped like discarded picnic refuse." AJ: What did you jus’ call mah Granny? Gl1m0: She is getting on in years you know, AJ. Lewis: I think we’re reading two separate stories. "What happened back there with the pony citizen?" "I don't know." The topmost squirrel grumbled. "I think some things were lost in the Translation Matrix. Gl1m0: He actually flunked out of Equish/Squirrelean Studies class, but it’s not like he’ll admit it. Still, she gave us some valuable information." "Then let's seal 'er back up and proceed with the mission!" Gl1m0: “Today, Pony of Village! Tomorrow... THE WORLD!” The voice down below chattered. "We've already lost a quarter of our reserve energy and we can't afford to waste anymore time!" "Copy that." With a grunt, the squirrel leapt down into the hollow of Applejack's skull. Lewis: Well, I’m not saying anything, but... A hissing noise announced the brown hat sliding back into place. Inside the pony's head, the pilot squirmed back into a plush seat situated in the center of a glowing array of sparkling lights and spinning instruments. After the hat hatch sealed above, a deep crimson aura illuminated the whole cockpit. A wide viewscreen gave birth to static ahead of the seated rodent, then flickered to a digital HUD broadcasting Applejack's forward point of view. Gl1m0: Applejack’s head has HDTV? Lucky... Lewis: Does it have Foxtel? Steam hissed to the left and right of the pilot as he gripped four controller sticks—two with his hands and another pair with his feet. His bushy tail curled around a lever, and the whole interior of the mech wobbled as Applejack stood back up on even hooves. "Alright, let's do this!" The pilot gritted his bucked teeth. "For the glory of Mother Rushnut—" Gl1m0: Good lord, communist squirrels? This can’t possibly be any worse. Lewis: And it’s about to get worse. "Captain Pliskinuts!" A voice shouted up from the steamy bowels of the pony mech down below. A sweaty squirrel chirped with a radio pawed up against his ear. "Incoming Priority One Message from General H.Q.!" "Unnngh!" Pliskinuts slumped in the pilot's seat, rolling his black eyes. "What, now?! There's no time for this!" "You'd better respond, Captain, or they'll self destruct this unit from remote! All squirrel secrets must remain hidden from the horse creatures!" Gl1m0: Also, they don’t like to share. Which means they don’t care. AJ: Ah don’t think Ah like these squirrels... "I know, I know." Pliskinuts slapped a switch and frowned ahead. "Onscreen." With a flurry of snow, a frowning face melted Lewis: And this is why you don’t splash. into view, complete with a scarred face and a green beret. Behind him, the transmission showed the enormous hollow of an oak tree covered in computer equipment with various rodents in uniforms working dutifully at their separate monitoring stations. Gl1m0: Except for the intern playing Solitaire. What a waste of resources. "Captain Pliskinuts! Come in!" "I read you loud and clear, Colonel," the pilot responded, keeping the ire down in his voice. Lewis: Down, boy! "I'm about to engage the next leg of the mission. What's the emergency?" AJ: “An’ why aren’t you wearin’ any pants?” "Pliskinuts, one of our operatives in the field has discovered that another member of Forage House may have infiltrated your location." Every squirrel inside the mech gasped, nearly dropping their instruments. Pliskinuts leaned forward, his toothy jaw agape. Lewis: While I am a fan of gapes, I really think your jaw shouldn’t be one. "Good heavens! Forage House?! You mean the secret combat organization that went rogue five years ago to perform mercenary assignments in the Everfree Forest abroad?!" Gl1m0: “The same bastards who used to beat me up for lunch money in secret agent school?!” "Yes," the Colonel said, his face reading cold and grim across the fluctuating transmission. "And Forage House's new sworn leader is allegedly none other than your own brother, Licken Snoodle. Lewis: Okay, what is up with that name? Licken Snoodle? Really? Gl1m0: Somehow, it’s even worse than “Pliskinuts”. So you must understand the gravity of this situation..." Pliskinuts, shuddered, gazing aside as he snarled, "Licken is no brother of mine. Not anymore. Not after what he did to me and..." He shut his eyes and palmed his face with a quivering paw. "... Gray Squirrel." Lewis: Aww, no stupid name. Gl1m0: You have raised my hopes, and dashed them quite expertly. "Yes, but the deadly virus he infected you two with also flows through his veins." Pliskinuts glanced up, blinking. "You mean..." He leaned forward in shock, his voice growling with a gravelly tone. Lewis: Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. "...Lickens is also a victim of the dreaded Forage Die?!" "Affirmative." The Colonel's face nodded. "So, as you can see, both of your days are numbered. If you run into him, do not allow your thirst for vengeance to take over." Gl1m0: “So just in case, we packed a couple cans of RetriCola into your lunchbox to stave it off.” The Colonel looked over his shoulder as the camera panned to show a superbly ticked-off mare with freckles and an orange coat bound and gagged to the inner wall of the tree hollow behind him. Gl1m0: Oh dear. I get the impression this isn’t consensual. AJ: Alright, I REALLY don’t like these squirrels now. "As you can see, it has taken us a great deal of sweat and hard work to get to this point. The mech that you are piloting, is the most technologically advanced prototype of squirrelkind: Mare Gear. Gl1m0: So... a Metal Gear crossover? Eh, still not the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. If we did not have this secret weapon in our arsenal, we would have forced you into a far less fortuitous expenditure, such as a one-squirrel-sneaking-mission." Gl1m0: “It would’ve been cooler that way, sure, but at least we aren’t trying to milk a franchise to death, right?” "Luckily, it did not have to come to that." Pliskinuts' eyes narrowed. "Colonel, I believe I have a lead on where the Heart of the Ancient Sciuridae Empire is located." "Good. Pliskinuts, pilot Mare Gear into the ponies' heartland and retrieve the acorn at all cost. The glory of Mother Rushnut lies in your paws." AJ: Must be pretty small glory. Lewis: The glory of your country; Now in handheld form! The camera panned away from the writhing farm mare and focused solely on the Colonel's emphatic glare. "Can we trust you to finish the mission?!" "Aye, Colonel, sir! You can trust in me to finish the mission!" Gl1m0: He couldn’t be trusted to finish his Almonds, though. He just nibbles, then throws it out. "Then do so!" The figure in the viewscreen brought a paw up to his beret to perform a noble salute. "And bring honor to all of our fallen rodents in arms!" The screen went to static, AJ: “Welcome to Static; Population: Insanity.” Lewis: “Don’t feed the pigeons.” then switched back to Applejack's feed. As it did so, a pale-faced foal with raspberry-red mane curls smiled plumply into the mech's face. "Why, thalutathionth, Apple Bloom'th bith thithter! Want thome thweet thinnammon thwirlth to take home to Granny Thmith?!" Lewis: I think that sentence was designed to be the most irritating sentence to read ever. Gl1m0: And least pronounceable. "Mare Gear!" Captain Pliskinuts shouted into a mic hanging above his cockpit seat. "Evasive maneuvers!" "Aye, Captain!" "Rear left hoof, locked and loaded!" Pliskinuts jerked on a control stick. "Fire!" he shouted. Lewis: He would have said “Fire at Will”, but Will’d been complaining about unfairness. The world beyond the viewfinder spun as Applejack twirled one hundred and eighty degrees, pivoted her hips, and bucked Twist clear over a wooden fence and into a clattering junkyard beyond. Gl1m0: AppleGear used Ultrabuck! Lewis: It’s super-effective! The sound of her foalish screams was muted by dog barkings and rattling detritus. Lewis: You MONSTER! "Target eliminated, sir!" a voice shouted from below, followed by the sounds of victory shouts and high-fiving paws. "Good! Now, no more delays!" Gl1m0: “Otherwise, we’ll miss the season finale of Doctor Who!” Pliskinuts adjusted several dials and instruments. "Lower legs?!" "Standing by." Lewis: Wow. Just... wow. "Front hooves?" "Standing by." Gl1m0: Oh, I get it! It’s because they’re legs... and they’re... standing. Yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head... "Interior and Exterior flank servos?" "Both standing by." "Navigation?" "Ready when you are, Cap'n." "Artificial Neurological System?" "I've got a few kinks Lewis: WHOA! AJ: Okay, now THERE’S an image Ah’d have done better without. Gl1m0: Though, it does explain why they had the real Applejack all tied-up in the base, though--(gets punched)--GAH! WHY MUST YOU HURT ME SO!? left to work out in the Translation Matrix, but all other systems are functioning optimally!" AJ: “In-Flight Entertainment?” Lewis: “Still down.” AJ: “Damn it!” "Good enough. Let's finish this." Pliskinuts took a deep breath and pushed forward on the controls. "In memory of Gray Squirrel..." With a grinding of gears and servos, Applejack trotted briskly forward. She crossed paths with a screeching stagecoach, knocked a gasping gray mailmare into a nearby thornbush, and scraped emotionlessly over a sidewalk, ruining three foals' chalk drawings and reducing the children to a crying mess. Lewis: C-c-c-combo! "Captain...?" A squirrel spoke in a feeble voice from the engineering bay down below. "Is it true what the Colonel said? About you and Forage Die, I mean—" "At your station, Lieutenant!" Captain Pliskinuts grunted. "All that matters now is the mission! I can't afford to have any of you distracted!" Lewis: “Do you know how much the tax is on distractions?” "Yes, s-sir. But of course, sir." Another voice shouted up. "Captain, sensors detect several life forms inside the dessert establishment dead ahead!" Gl1m0: I see Pinkie’s ‘gingerbread mare’ recipe has made an astounding leap forward. "Then we must proceed with caution, or else risk being detected." Pliskinuts swung his controls forward. "I see a door. We must enter the building somehow." Lewis: Open the door? "Accessing..." A voice muttered down below, then shouted, "Relaying pony-door opening instructions now!" "Affirmative." Pliskinuts twisted at the controls, licked his lips, and thrusted forward. Gl1m0: ……I’m just not gonna say anything. For my sake. AJ: Ah guess you are learnin’, sugarcube. With a thundering crash, Applejack plowed straight through the door frame. Lewis: ...That works too. She stood in the front entrance of Sugarcube Corner, twisting her head about as the dust settled and several splintery bits of wood clattered off her orange figure. "We have arrived upon the threshhold of cupcaking." Gl1m0: Oh, man... (writes down “cupcaking” in dictionary) ...Twi is gonna castrate me, I just know it. Lewis: You know what cupcaking is, right? The act of turning people or ponies into cupcakes, a la the story Cupcakes. Which makes this a heck of a lot funnier, if you think about it. Applejack faced the wide-eyed, blinking crowd within. "We desire the acorn and friendship, but mostly the acorn." Lewis: I love that line. I have no idea why, I just do. Gl1m0: Well, at least it’s good to see that Not-Applejack has her priorities straight. "Applejack! Awesomesauce!" Lewis: “Did you grab some? I’m nearly out!” Pinkie Pie bounced up from behind the counter. She frog leapt over the counter, plowed through a pair of elderly patrons, Lewis: This story is going out of it’s way to be the most horrible thing rated ‘Teen’. Gl1m0: Kidnapping, implied BDSM, violence against children, crude double entendres... yep, that’s a kid’s story. Definitely. and skidded to a stop right in front of Applejack, her teeth grinning wider than the earth’s equator. Lewis: KILL IT WITH FRICKING FIRE! "Just in time! Wanna check out the latest cakes I've baked for the Autumn Harvest Dance?" Gl1m0: “They’re vanilla-flavored! And they’re covered in spriiiinkles~!” With a squeaking noise, Applejack's neck pivoted towards the fluffy-maned mare. Her head pivoted to the side, whirred, then snapped back. After the green irises sprung back into their sockets, Applejack's mouth opened. "But of course, Twilighting the Sparkles. With great joy balls would we get fulfillment from thereby." Lewis: I think there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it. "Neato keano!" Pinkie Pie squeed. AJ: Aw, great. Ya got it all over the floor. She hoisted Applejack off her hooves with one limb and bounced merrily towards the kitchen, knocking the elderly ponies aside as they were trying to get back up. Gl1m0: The elderly just can’t catch a break nowadays. Applejack flopped and stumbled after her like a limp marionette as the pastel pink equine rambled endlessly: "At first I was thinking of baking a bunch of doughnuts with black icing and orange sprinkles because that would be in the spirit of Nightmare Night, Lewis: But it’s- but then I realized that it's far too late to celebrate Nightmare Night and besides too many ponies are afraid that stuff might go down again like it did last year with Princess Luna Lewis: But- and it would be way better to distract them by focusing entirely on the nature of the Autumn Harvest Dance instead, even if most ponies will be too full of sweet desserts to bother with dancing, unless of course they paced themselves in eating like my Auntie Pinkie Pie Lewis: Wait, you were named after your aunt? Gl1m0: GAAH! (rips papers to shreds) MY HEADCANON! IT’S RUINED! Lewis: You bother to keep a headcanon? I just let the individual stories do their thing. always said it was best to do—" Meanwhile, inside the pony mech, the squirrel stationed at the Translation Matrix was pulling at his scalp while the machine before him haphazardly spat out: ‘"—forced window upon the ultimatum sound with deleterious weather fowl crooked watersport piloting messages to severely criticize your...’" Gl1m0: That’s actually a pretty accurate translation. "What in Mother Rushnut's name is going on down there?!" Pliskinuts shouted. "I-I have no idea, Captain!" The squirrel whimpered and banged at the computer console. "She's speaking way too fast for the system to process!" Lewis: “She’s gonna blow!” ...What? I just saw the new Star Trek movie. One of the rodents at the rear legs spoke over the intercom. "Want me to fire a warning shot across her muzzle?" Gl1m0: Well, if they were to do that, I guess you could call it... (puts on sunglasses) ...shooting her mouth off. AJ: Sugarcube. NO. "No! Negative!" Pliskinuts grunted back, struggling to regain control of the mech's flopping body. "We can't risk the success of the mission! Now, calibrate for the loss of balance and bring her around so I can get a proper view of the—" Gl1m0: “--pink horse’s rear end.” (Gets punched, again.) AJ: Ah’m warning you again, pal... Just then, the viewscreen evened out. A towering cake loomed into view, atop of which there nestled a full, rich, enormous brown acorn. Lewis: That’s the acorn version of Filthy Rich! Pliskinuts' mouth hung open. "—target." Gl1m0: Oh, so I was right! (pauses) ...Please don’t hit me. AJ: Gettin’ very hard not to, sugarcube. "Heeheehee!" Pinkie Pie bounced around Applejack. She performed a pirouette and stood on her hind legs in the center of Sugarcube's kitchen. "Ta-daaaaa! Isn't it the most awesome autumnal cake of autumnal awesomeness you've ever seen?!" Gl1m0: An amazing airshow about absolute alliteration abuse! Applejack ticked, whirred, and ticked again. Gl1m0: She seems rather... “ticked” off. AJ: (threateningly) Sugarcube... Gl1m0: What? I didn’t even use the glasses this time! "Just essay!" Pinkie Pie blinked. She plopped back down on all fours with a twisted expression. "Huh?" Gl1m0: I used to love Twister. Key phrase, “used to”. Inside, Pliskinuts jerked at the controls and kicked at an instrument panel. Lewis: It was the trombone panel! "Translation Matrix! Pronto!" "Got it!" A fuzzy thumb's up broke through the steam below the pilot. "Green light, Captain!" Gl1m0: “STOP, RED LIGHT! Now green light… … … AH, AH! RED LIGHT!” Applejack's head swung like a pendulum before locking on the sight of Pinkie Pie. Her mouth hung open as the voice crackled forth, "A cake of supreme sugars, Twilighting Sparkleness. Most certain of you to please the flying princess of the horse horse." Lewis: The Adventures of Horse Horse, and his sidekick, Bat Bat. "Heeheehee!" Pinkie Pie leaned forward and ruffled Applejack's golden bangs behind her hat. "Silly pony! Celestia's sworn off both cake and blood transfusions for the next six months! Gl1m0: So, Celestia is a cake-eating vampire. Should’ve seen that coming. She said so in the last letter Twilight shared with us, remember?" "We remember blood rushing like geysers in the frozen courtyards of St. Petersbrittle." Lewis: “We really should have grabbed those noodle implements, but oh well. We didn’t need the noodle’s anyway.” "Oooh! Speaking of Twilight!" Pinkie Pie bounced out of the room. "I've got some really sweet blueberry muffins to send her! I even used her own recipe to make ‘em! Stay here, I'll come back and show you!" AJ: “Ah’ll just leave this amazing cake behind... with you... alone... and no one else... no one watching... no one to witness if anything bad would happen to it...” The doors to the kitchen swung to a stand still. Applejack was alone in the room... alone with the cake and the item of treasured glory mounting the top of it. Gl1m0: I can only guess what she’s not going to do. "Captain!" the navigator spoke up the neck chamber of the Mare Gear. "She has departed! The target is ours!" "How did it even get in the ponies' grasp to begin with...?" Pliskinuts thought aloud, hunched over on his controls. Gl1m0: Considering it’s impossible to actually “grasp” things with hooves, that seems like a fair question. "It's almost as if this whole absurd scenario was a delicate arrangement..." Lewis: Trollestia. Or whatever the squirrel version is. "Captain! The mission!" Pliskinuts snapped out of it, his face growing tight and earnest. "Right." He jerked forward at the controls. "Forward hooves, prepare to retrieve the Heart of the Sciuridae Empire!" AJ: Looks like we finally come down to... (slips on a pair of shades) ...the heart o’ the matter. Gl1m0: Wha-! You *hypocrite!* "Roger that! Engaging lateral motors!" "Adjusting for weighted variance!" Lewis: Weighted what-now? Gl1m0: “Variance”. It’s a measure of how far apart a set of numbers can be, and is usually utilized as a probability factor. AJ: ...And them fancy mathematics apply here... how? Gl1m0: In simple terms? The likelihood of your weight bringing you crashing to the floor. (gets slapped) AUGH! ...You know, this is the first time that being scientific ever made a girl slap me... AJ: An’ it won’t be the last, pard. "Steady... Steady..." Sweat poured down Pliskinuts' furry face as his goggled eyes locked on the target beyond the viewscreen. "Almost got it..." Just then, the doors swung open again. Instead of a bouncing figure, a yellow shape came into focus. Gl1m0: A circle, perhaps? AJ: Uh... triangle? Lewis: Ooh ooh ooh! A parallelogram! "Intruder sighted! Four o'clock!" Lewis: “But it’s only 2:30!” "Stabilizers!" Pliskinuts hissed. He glanced to his right. "Switch to Camera three! Identify!" The viewscreen flickered, displaying the far end of the kitchen where a golden pegasus with a pink mane trotted slowly towards the mech. With soft, aquamarine eyes, the pony blew loose a tuft of hair and stared at the Mare Gear solidly. Gl1m0: Oh, I get it! Ha! Haha... ha. All: ……… Gl1m0: ...So yeah, Fluttershy showed up. "I need info, soldiers!" Pliskinuts grunted. "Coming in now!" A squirrel down below fumbled to speak. "Name: Fluttershy. Occupation: Animal caretaker." He looked up, cupping a pair of paws over his buck-toothed mouth. "She's harmless! What's more, she's an ambassador between ponies and squirrelkind!" Gl1m0: “So, in other words, we’ll win for sure. BATTLE STATIONS!” "Ah yes, I've heard of her." Pliskinuts smiled. "Fluttershy the Kind. She nursed the Colonel's niece back to health after a terrible run-in with a griffon years ago. AJ: All she needed was some glue to put those shredded pieces back together, an’ bam! All better. Or at least, good enough to look better. Gl1m0: ‘Dem scars, though... The pegasus is a true saint, an angel." Fluttershy took two careful steps towards Applejack, twitched, and swung a violent hoof across the orange mech's face. Lewis: Ouch! Gl1m0: That looked rather painful. And terribly out-of-character. Lewis: Wait, what? Why’s it ending? Gl1m0: Beats the heck out of me. Although, that WOULD be one heck of a cliffhanger if anything... Lewis: I’ll give you that... Hey, Pinks! Pinks? Pinkie? (Silence) Lewis: I think she’s gone. AJ: Gone? Gone where? Lewis: Hell if I know. She’s Pinkie Pie. She doesn’t even exist in this reality at the moment. Anyway, I can send you on your way if you like. Gl1m0: You know, I think we’d both like that. Two riffs in one day is a bit... “much” for my tastes. AJ: Seconded... with joy... Lewis: Thirded. Anyway, (Proceeds to fiddle with the teleporter controls) where’d ya want to go? Gl1m0: Back to where I wanted to go in the first place; the CRF. The co-ordinates are secret, but... (whispers in Lewis’ ear) Lewis: Right, got it. I take it that it’s in Equestria? Gl1m0: You got it. Just... you know, roughly... underground. Lewis: Okay, all set. Gl1m0: Perfect... I guess this is goodbye then... Lewis, I think? Well, we hardly knew ye. Lewis: Trust me, Pinks’ll bring ya back. Anyway, off you go! (Flicks a lever) (Gl1m0 and AJ disappear in a glow of light) Lewis: Now to make up an excuse for Pinkie...
01: Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward DateTheAuthorGl1m0 (writing): “...And then Pinkiedash was a zombie.” Nah, too memetic... (Starts erasing.) (Unbeknownst to him, the door to his Writing Studio opens up, and two ponies walk inside.) Twilight: Wow, it's actually really clean in here. Much more so than some other places I know... Applejack: So Twi, uh... what are we doing here again? Twilight: The princess didn't have any more tasks for me, Pinkie is nowhere to be found, which is quite unnerving, and I could have swore that this house didn't exist on this block yesterday... so we're investigating. AJ: Okay, but *why?* Twilight: Part of my new "duties", apparently. Investigating any new arrivals, especially if they're from out of nowhere... AJ: ...Hey, who's that? (Points at Gl1m0.) And what's he... doing? Gl1m0 (still writing): “...And that's how Equestria was made.” ...wait, what? No it wasn't! (Erasing again.) Ugh, this is harder than it has any right to be... Twilight: I have no idea, I've never met him... but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's another writer. In the act, it would seem. Gl1m0 (writing): “...say he's another writer. In the act, it would”—(stops writing) Wait, hang on... Who said that? (Turns around and notices the ponies.) ...Oh. Hey. AJ: Hey yerself. Twilight: Uh, who are you? You're, like, the tenth human we've met this month... Gl1m0: Well, er... I'm TheAuthorGl1m0. Gl1m0, if you wanna shorthand it. AJ: Uh... who? Gl1m0: Gee. El. One. Em. Zero. There, got it? AJ: ...Ah guess? Twilight: That's not a very conventional name... although, thinking about it, which one of you humans doesn't have an unconventional-- (All of a sudden, the doors slam shut, and a sound of audible locking is heard) Twilight: Oh, come *on!* AJ: Dang it, Pinkie! Where don't you have a house rigged to trap us!? Pinkie (on TV): If I told you that, then how will I know that you won't try to hide? C'mon, these MSTs are too fun to keep to myself! Gl1m0: What the—how the hell did you get on my TV screen?! Pinkie: PBS! Gl1m0: (deadpan) Of course... Twilight: Well, Mr... Gee-El-One-Em-Zero... it looks like you're stuck with us. Gl1m0: Stuck with... what? Pinkie (on TV): Doing an MST of course! I do 'em with Primey and the other guys all the time; it's so much *fun!* Twilight: For a given definition of “fun”... Gl1m0: Er... so, what does that mean? Pinkie (on TV): ...really? You don't know what... ugh. (Whispers to Twilight.) He's such a noob. How can he not know? Really. Gl1m0: ...I can still hear you, you know. AJ: Ah think that was the idea, sugarcube. Pinkie (on TV): Anyway, I got a real doozy for you today! It's a story starring both me and Twilight, and it's called “Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward Date”! Twilight: Ew, shipping... Gl1m0: This is gonna suck, isn't it? AJ: Yep, a whole lot of it. And it ain't from no vacuum. Gl1m0: Ugh. Fine, let us have it... Pinkie (on TV): Okie-doki-lokie! “Cupcakes? Gl1m0: First word in, and I'm already terrified. Twilight: You learn to stop feeling it. Check! Punch? Check! Balloons? Check! AJ: Readin' a stupid fanfic? Twi & Gl1m0: Triple check. A bottle for ‘Spin the bottle’? Twilight: I can see a ship on the horizon... Gl1m0: And it's flying a red flag. Check! Phew! That’s the last thing on the checklist,” said Pinkie Pie as she showed Twilight the agenda. Gl1m0: “You see? I can math as gooder as you.” Twilight: But she forgot the index. It's never a proper checklist without an index. “You see, Pinkie? Twilight said, grinning. "A good checklist makes everything easier." “I don’t get it, Twilight.” AJ: “Why do we have to be in a bad fanfic? I just don't understand.” Pinkie was slightly confused. Gl1m0: Speak for yourself. “Why do I need a checklist. I always know what I need to prepare for a party and I keep that in my head.” Twilight: And that is possible… how, exactly? Gl1m0: She’s Pinkie. That’s the best explanation you’ll get. Twilight: Oh, silly me… “Um...” Twilight felt embarassed but she managed to make an awkward grin. “Yeah... Memorizing can sometimes work too until you forget something.” Gl1m0: Tell that to someone who’s ever forgotten a wedding anniversary. “My parties usually need just several things, Twilight. How could I forget about them?” Pinkie inquired. “You know,” Twilight said, taking the checklist and crumpling it up. Twilight: What a perfectly good waste of plot device paper. AJ: She’d better recycle it! “Checklists are usually used by well-organized ponies. You don’t need them.” Twilight: “Flowcharts are more your speed, I think.” Pinkie frowned and stared at her friend for a while. “Do you say I’m not well-organized?” she asked. Gl1m0: This story is so in-tense. Twilight: Er, wouldn’t it technically be the opposite? Gl1m0: Hence why I put extra stress on the “TENSE”. “Um... No, no, no. I didn’t say that,” AJ: “Spike said it! He can throw his voice really well, ya know.” Twilight wished she could teleport out of Sugar Cube Corner. She thought for a while, facehoofed and then teleported out of the confectionery. Gl1m0: Yes. Twilight Sparkle, one of the brainiest and most OCD unicorns in Equestria, [Twilight: “Hey—!”] the one who keeps a checklist for literally everything, the one who could memorize flippin’ War and Peace word-for-word… forgot she could teleport. Oh, but it makes perfect sense to simply forget it, even though she only teleports EVERY OTHER DAMN MINUTE. AJ: So, you’re sayin’ she’s acting out of character? Gl1m0: …*What was your first clue.* Pinkie folded her forelegs on her chest and groaned. Twilight: “Darn. I had my heart set on those cupcakes.” Twilight appeared just next to Sugar Cube Corner but she was out of Pinkie’s reach. She sighed and started to trot home. How many times more was she going to embarass herself in social activities. Gl1m0: How many times more would a question be asked without actually asking a question. How about you guys, do you know. Twilight: Not many, I hope. Yet why do so many writers forget to add the almighty question mark. Apparently, advices from the book did not work well in reality. AJ: Ah’m telling ya, the “advices” from those books are liars. Gl1m0: Lrn 2 plurl, noob. She read that a good friend should always be ready to give an adivce to smeone else. Twilight: …What the heck is an adivce? Gl1m0: And who the hell is Smeone Else? Is that a new French OC Alicorn I’ve not heard about before? Alright, where’s that gunblade I stowed away… AJ: Learn to spell, sugarcube… Either the book was wrong, or the advice was not good. Gl1m0: Or this story is stupid, and the plot demanded it to be so. Twilight: A good summary of roughly 90% of all the fanfics I’ve ever read. Twilight arrived at the library. AJ: Well, that was shortest walk ever. Twilight: The story-version me must have been exercising a lot… She opened the door and... “How long shall I wait!?” Pinkie shouted at her. Gl1m0: Oh my, randomly appearing in a place that she should not logically be? I… actually, I think this is the most in-character she’s acted so far in this story. AJ: Savor the moment, because it ain’t gonna last. “Gaaah! How? When? What!?” Twilight was so startled that she flinched and fell on the ground. AJ: Ah hope that poor ground is okay! Twilight: Its injuries sustained at the scene weren’t pretty, though. Gl1m0: Sadly, it would later die in a hospital. The ground will be missed by many. “Twilight! You, you, you insulted me! I’m not that stupid. Twilight: Ah, note how she says “not that stupid”. So, she’s basically admitting that she’s at least kind of stupid. Pinkie (on TV): HEY! How could you do that!?” Pinkie was on the edge of crying. That confused Twilight as Pinkie was rather angry when she left her in Sugar Cube Corner. Twilight: Wait… no she wasn’t! I mean, she seemed annoyed, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say she was angry… Gl1m0: You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry, so that’s probably a good thing. The unicorn had always suspected that her friend suffered from a bi-polar disorder she had read about in one book. Gl1m0: Now that’s… just plain inconsiderate. Twilight: Do tell. Gl1m0: I happen to have a couple of friends who are bipolar, and they’re still really great people to know. The fact that this story brings up the subject so abruptly… Well, it’s just a bit disrespectful, I find. “Well, I’m sorry, Pinkie. I’d just thought I could help you,” Twilight felt awful. AJ: As you rightly should, missy. Gl1m0: Being in a horrible fanfic is something that no one should be proud of. She looked away from Pinkie and took a deep breath. Gl1m0: Oh no, Spell Nexus is back! The story is now ruined *FOREVER.* Twilight: …Uh, who’s-- Gl1m0: Past Sins joke. Don’t ask. “Oh, Twilight. You never learn, huh?” Pinkie was in normal mood again. “Y’all not gonna believe!” Applejack shouted as she trotted up to her friends. Twilight: “Someone dun went an’ gave me a hillbilly ack-cent! Darn tootin’!” AJ: Wha… Ah do not talk like that! Gl1m0: (pauses, then bursts out laughing) Hahah, I’m sorry, but hearing Twilight try and speak with that accent is hilarious… Twilight: Thank… you? “Big Mac asked Rarity out!” Gl1m0: (feigning surprise) Oh my! A story that doesn’t pair Big Mac with Fluttershy! How amazingly original! “What!?” Twilight and Pinkie could not believe and were visibly shocked. “Yep, he just went to her and did it! Rarity was so shocked she couldn’t say no!” Applejack said excitedly. Twilight: Funny, I never took Rarity to be such a Yes-Mare. Gl1m0: Remember kids; it o-kay to say no! “Oh, that’s... great,” Pinkie let a small grin appear on her face but she quickly saddened. “Well, that was unexpected,” Twilight said. AJ: Nopony expected it, after all. Gl1m0: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH PLOT DEVICE!” Twilight: Great, now we’re dragging memes into this. Gl1m0: Kicking and screaming, yo. Twilight: (facehoofs) “Y’all don’t seem to be happy ‘bout that,” Applejack remarked. Twilight: Actually, I don’t mind at all. Nope. Good… for… Rarity. *twitch* Gl1m0: Somepony’s jealous, isn’t she~? (gets slapped) OW! That hurt! Twilight: Yes. Yes it did. Pinkie and Twilight instantly protested Gl1m0: -for their worker’s rights. Higher wages for all! and assured her friend that they are happy for Big Mac. Applejack was not so sure about that but she finally shrugged and trotted away. AJ: “Ah’ll leave them be to their lover’s spats.” “You look concerned, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Don’t tell me you had a crush on...” Gl1m0: Pinkie: “Doh, you got me Twi! I totally have the hots for Apple—” (gets slapped again) OW!! That hurt even *more!* AJ: Good. “No, no, no, no ,no!” Pinkie suddenly brisked up. Twilight: (Pulls out dictionary.) Hmmmm… “Brisked”… Let’s see… NOPE. (Throws dictionary away.) Improper word choice and spelling. That means I must now hate this story. Gl1m0: You’re only just coming to that conclusion now? (Removes fez, dons a fedora.) I guess that makes me a hater hipster. I was hatin’ before it was cool. “Twilight, please. Me and Big Mac? I wouldn’t date him even if he was the last stallion in Equestria.” “Well,” Twilight hesitated if she should continue but after a moment she added: “Maybe you like, you know, Rarity?” Twilight: Because insinuating that your best friend is a lesbian is the best way to strengthen a friendship. Uh-huh. Gl1m0: And that’s bullshit. Everyone knows that she’s totally into Rainbow Dash. Twilight: Cupcakes-wise? Gl1m0: No! The old-fashioned shippy way! C’mon, The Party Hasn’t Ended is one of my favorite fanfics, okay? AJ: Isn’t that the same story where Caramel has a gay crush on Big Mac? Gl1m0: …It’s a minor subplot! I never said I agreed with all of the pairings! Pinkie jumped as if something stung her. Gl1m0: Frickin’ bees, man. AJ: It’s a shame Pinkie’s allergic. She died on the way to the hospital. “Are you crazy Twilight!? I don’t swing that way!” she shouted at her friend. Gl1m0: She’s a lefty at hoofball! Come on, how could anyone forget that? “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I should really stop talking!” Twilight blushed and nervously closed her eyes. She couldn’t look in Pinkie’s eyes. Twilight: Pinkie had been taught the Stare by Fluttershy, so I was only taking precautions! She was ashamed of her behaviour toward her friend this day. Gl1m0: Indirectly insinuating she was an idiot, directly insinuating that she was gay… Yeah, I can see how you’d been red in the face. “If you want to know, I’m just jealous,” Pinkie said. Gl1m0: “That new Hoofstation 4 they got is so math.” “Well, I hope they make a great couple and so on but...” Pinkie sighed and started to bit her lip. AJ: It tasted like boysenberry. Gl1m0: Delicious. Twilight: With the slightest aftertaste of HORRIBLY TENSE-CONFUSED SENTENCES. Gl1m0: Ah. That would explain the overall gamey flavor of disappointment. “What’s that, Pinkie?” Twilight was curious. “It’s that I haven’t dated anyone since, um, I remember,” Pinkie said and started to sob. Twilight: This story’s Pinkie sure loves her mood swings… Gl1m0: Must be her time of the month. “How’s that even possible?” Twilight couldn’t believe her ears. AJ: And Ah can’t believe my brain is still followin’ this. Twilight: I can’t believe I’m still stuck doing these MSTs even though I’m a princess now. Gl1m0: I can’t believe it’s not butter! “You party nearly every night. You should have already met somepony you could date!” “Yeah but I’m always busy with organizing parties and Gl1m0: “-making my best friends into various baked goods and OH WAIT I MEANT, UH…” assuring myself that everyone has a good time that I don’t have time to meet anypony,” Pinkie said sadly. “Oh, Pinkie. You will finally meet somepony at some other occasion. Twilight: “Maybe you’ll even find one that’s your species!” Besides, you are not alone. Spike has never dated anyone as well.” Twilight grinned. “AAAAAH! HOW COULD YOU!?” Gl1m0: Very easily, actually. Twilight: I just say it. It’s not hard, you know. Spike, who overheard the conversation, AJ: That lil’ varmit! Listening in on conversation like that, the nerve! Gl1m0: Honestly Twilight, I thought you taught him better. Twilight: … shouted from inside of the library. He ran upstairs to his basket and hid under a blanket. Gl1m0: The soft linen barrier shall protect him from the ensuing shitstorm. “Do you want to tell me that you have dated somepony?” Pinkie didn’t expect that from Twilight. Gl1m0: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE—” AJ: Ya did that already, sugarcube. Gl1m0: …Seriously? Damn it, I’m already reusing jokes. “Yes,” Twilight said proudly. “But it was long ago.” Pinkie gazed blankly at Twilight and then cried loudly. AJ: Look Twilight, you went and made Pinkie cry! Twilight: Let her! This isn’t the Pinkie I know, anyway! Gl1m0: Of course. The Pinkie we know loves to torture us with terrible fanfiction. That’s so much better than a Pinkie with crazy mood swings. “Um, Pinkie. Please, stop! Please!” Twilight asked Pinkie and then looked around as if looking for some help. Gl1m0: Unfortunately, the only other one present was Tom. He’s no ladies’ man. AJ: But Ah’m sure that blade of grass might be willin’ to lend a hoof though. Gl1m0: Blade of grass? Excellent. I shall call him Bob. “It’s all my fault! That was not an okay thing to say to you! Stop crying and I will do whatever you want, just stop crying!” Twilight: Notice that she seems to be neglecting to add an “I’m sorry” in there. I say… let her cry. Pinkie stopped crying instantly. Gl1m0: Dem mood swings… “Everything?” she asked. Twilight: Um… no, I’m pretty sure I meant “anything”, not everything… Gl1m0: Error detected. (Slashes TV with a gunblade.) I feel better now. (A new TV instantly spawns in the old one’s place.) Gl1m0: …Eh, it was worth a shot. “Well, yes,” Twilight answered with a smile. Gl1m0: Twilight, you are — and I love you when I say this — an idiot. You just basically agreed to do whatever Pinkie’s twisted little brain can conjure up. Run a marathon? You’d better pack a water bottle. Build a statue in her honor? Grab that hammer, you’ve got work to do. BDSM sessions? Hope you like ropes. Lick her-- Twilight: OKAY I GET IT SHUT UP! Gl1m0: My ears...! “Ok, then date me!” Pinkie said happily. AJ: Well, that’s one way to come out of the closet. Gl1m0: And thus the ship leaves drydock. But they forgot to patch the holes. “Say what!?” Twilight sat on her hindquarters in disbelief. Twilight: “Pardon me, but after hearing such shocking things I must sit down and take a break.” “Date me!” Pinkie was till grinning. Gl1m0: Huh. I didn’t think it was possible to till a farm using grins. Twilight: It’s Pinkie. To Tartarus with logic. “But, but, but, Twilight: The, the, the, commas are too, too, too, numerous! you said you didn’t swing that way!” Twilight tried to refuse on the proposal. AJ: “Please do not litter on the proposal. —The Management.” “Well, yeah but you are an egghead who couldn’t help me find a stallion to date but you can actually date me!” Gl1m0: It’s a rare thing to see, but I think the logic in that sentence actually imploded midway through. I’m surprised there’s no singularity forming yet. Pinkie giggled. “This way I won’t be sad that I haven’t dated anypony. Besides, when was the last time you dated somepony?” AJ: Ya really want to know? Go ahead, Twi. Tell them about the Prom. Twilight: Y-you promised me you wouldn’t tell anypony!! AJ: Ah promised not to tell anyPONY. (Gestures at Gl1m0.) He ain’t a pony. Twilight: …… Gl1m0: …Um, so what happened at the prom-- (Gets wing-slapped.) --OKAY, NEVER MIND! “Um, well,” Twilight tried to avoid eye contact with Pinkie. Gl1m0: Careful; just one look and she'll turn you to stone. AJ: ...Pinkie ain't a cockatrice. Gl1m0: I was actually thinking more along the lines of Medusa. With her hair, I'm totally sure Pinkie can pull it off. Because she couldn’t find Twilight: -the plot device. a good answer, she finally gave up. “All right, Pinkie. I’ll date you,” she said resignedly and added nervously: “But nopony can know!” Pinkie frowned. “Twilight! How could I date somepony who doesn’t want to be seen with me?” Gl1m0: How couldn't you? Hell, eighty percent of the celebrities in Hollywood do that all the time. It's not, you know, hard or anything. AJ: Eh... what's a 'hollywood'? Some new tree I've never heard of before? Gl1m0: Simply put, it's a place where hopes and dreams are sent to die. “So, maybe date Spike then?” “Please, he is a baby! And a dragon. A relationship between a pony and a dragon would never work out!” Pinkie said as if it was something obvious. Twilight: The many hundreds of shipping fic authors out there would strongly disagree with that claim, Pinkie. “WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?” Spike shouted angrily from inside of the library. Gl1m0: Okay, HOW can Spike possibly hear them by now? Didn't he "run off upstairs" a few paragraphs ago? Twilight: The acoustics in the library are actually quite impressive, you know. I think it's not too unreasonable. Gl1m0: But he hid under a blanket in his bed, and everything! Surely, he couldn't have heard! AJ: Well, apparently he did. And don't call me Shirley, sugarcube. “What’s got into him?” Pinkie wondered but quickly forgot about the dragon and asked Twilight again: “So, where do you want to go, Twilight? “Maybe, let’s go indide?” Twilight suggested uncertainly. Gl1m0: No, Twilight. I do not want to go in your "dide." “Oh, silly. We can’t do that on our first date!” Gl1m0: She was expecting to get to third base already? You're bold, I'll give you that. Twilight: So in other words, no clopfic. Pinkie (on TV): Nope, it's totally clean! AJ: Then why does it make me feel so... dirty? Pinkie laughed. “Let’s go to the restaurant! I’m gonna pay!” Twilight: "-for this, of course. Oh, by the way, you're footing the bill." “Oh, horseapples...” Twilight murmured and followed Pinkie. Pinkie led Twilight to the restaurant. Both mares sat at a table and waited for the waiter. Twilight: Such a glorious description. Or rather, the lack of such. Gl1m0: If this story were any more abrupt, I'd need a seatbelt. AJ: And an air bag. “What a lovely place, isn’t it?” Pinkie smiled. Gl1m0: "You know, even though we have no idea HOW lovely, 'cause the author never bothered to describe it." “Uh, Pinkie, we eat here quite often,” Twilight said. She was nervous because she hoped that she won’t be forced to do anything that would reveal the fact she was actually dating Pinkie and not just eating dinner with her. AJ: Lil' did she know, Pinkie had planned a game of Spin the Bottle later on. Gl1m0: Awkwardness level at 25%... Unfortunately for Twilight, that fact was revealed very quickly. By Pinkie of course. When the waiter came, he asked what they wanted to eat and then Pinkie exclaimed: Gl1m0: "Hey, get outta here man! Can't you see I'm trying to get lucky tonight?" “Something special! This is our first date!” Obviously, many ponies overheard that. Twilight blushed and covered her face with her hooves. Gl1m0: Awkwardness now at 60%, and climbing... After the waiter had gone, Twilight whispered to Pinkie: “You didn’t have to say that.” “Oh, silly! What kind of a first date would that be, if we didn’t do something special?” Pinkie asked rhetorically. AJ: "Why, with you, it would be the best dang date ever! ...wait, what do you mean that was rhetorical?" Gl1m0: 75%... Twilight sighed and began overhearing conversations. Twilight: No doubt they were complaining about the terrible service. AJ: With everypony so interested in watching the date, Ah don't think they even showed up for the food. Gl1m0: "I ordered my hay fries THREE HOURS ago! THREE. HOURS. AGO! ...Oh look, marital conflict!" She couldn’t hear everything exactly and was under the impression that everypony in the restaurant talk about her and Pinkie. Gl1m0: So... many... past tense... fuck-ups... HATE... Twilight: ...I'm not even upset anymore. I just. Don't. Care. Anymore. “Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, please make it stop, make it stop,” Twilight murmured with a muzzle under her hooves. Gl1m0: 83%... “Twilie, our date has barely started! Oh, look! The waiter is coming!” Pinkie exclaimed. Twilight: Super ADD Powers GO! The waiter brought two plates with a half of a heart made of hay and daffodils on each one. Gl1m0: Yes, this story is tagged as "Romance". We know. You can stop reminding us every nine seconds now. Twilight rolled her eyes and facehoofed. “This is not happening.” She groaned. AJ: At least the story's Twilight is in the same wagon as us... sorta. Gl1m0: 95%... “It can’t be any...” The unicorn bite her tongue as she realized that every time somepony says that cliche, something worse actually happens. AJ: Now that's just absurd. Since when has anything ever gone wrong? Derpy: I just don't know! Gl1m0: What the--how did YOU get in here?! ...Wait, a second, where'd she go... Twilight: That mare moves faster than Rainbow Dash sometimes... At that moment Rainbow Dash stormed into the reastaurant. Twilight: I almost read that last word as "beastaurant"... (shudders) Gl1m0: Aaaaaand, BANG! The awkwardness meter exploded. “Dinner time!” Rainbow exclaimed. Gl1m0: No, it's ADVENTURE TIME! (draws gunblade and holds it upward in triumph) She saw Twilight and Pinkie. Twilight: With what, a saw? That's rather violent. Gl1m0: Oh god, a reverse-Cupcakes... with horribly inconsistent past-tense... somebody please kill me. AJ: Later, sugarcube. “Hiya, girls!” “I haven’t finished that sentence!” Twilight yelled. Gl1m0: And we haven't finished the story. How much is left again? Twilight: We're well more than halfway through, so that's somewhat comforting... Everypony looked at her. “Don’t look at me!” she said resignedly and covered her muzzle with her hooves. Gl1m0: "I'm too ugly! I'M TOO UGLY!" Rainbow flew up to her friends’ table and what she saw confused her a bit. “Girls? Why are you eating halves of heart?” Twilight: "Well, why not? The heart is considered a delicacy in many underground societies." she giggled. “Are you having a date?” Rainbow waited for her friends’ reaction on her joke but instead of nervous denials, she saw Pinkie Pie grinning and Twilight slowly hiding under the table. “No way!” Rainbow fell on the ground and began rolling on the floor laughing. After a while she bounced back and asked: “No, girls, are you serious?” Gl1m0: In regards to the story? Hm, what's your response? Twilight? Applejack? Twilight: About my hatred of the bad word choice, and occasional past-tense/present-tense toss-up? Yes, entirely. AJ: Ah get the feeling this story tries to be serious... but... Ah just can't take it seriously, ya know what Ah mean? “Yeah! That’s my first date ever!” Pinkie exclaimed and hugged Twilight over the table. Gl1m0: She didn't even care that she had to knock over all the stuff that was already on the table, she just went for it. “Pinkie, please... Ponies are watching,” Twilight whispered. AJ: "We can do that "S&M" thing you were yapping on about later, okay?" Rainbow looked around nervously. “Oh, I, I, I didn’t know that you two, you know, um, swing the other way, so, um, I’ll be going now, heh,” Rainbow Dash said as she was slowly going back toward the door. When she was close to it, she abruptly flew out of the door with a panick in her eyes. Gl1m0: Oh, she'll be kicking herself later on for not asking about the possibility of a threesome. (Gets hit by Twilight.) OW! ...Worth it. Twilight: It's like you want me to keep hitting you... “Gah, now everypony will know,” Twilight whined. “That’s great, isn’t it!” Gl1m0: "Yes. It's just fan-tucking-fastic." “Pinkie. That was going to be only one date. Not two, not three! One!” Twilight was getting angry. “Sure thing! The only date!” Pinkie acknowledged the number. Twilight: The power of the number is indeed deserving of recognition. AJ: Ah never cared much for fancy mathmatics, so... Gl1m0: Inconcievable! NO ONE DISSES THE NUMBER! “So why do you want everypony to know that we dated! They’ll think we prefer mares! How are we going to find stallions then!?” Twilight started to breathe deeply. Gl1m0: ...Insert Spell Nexus joke here, even though you ponies won't get it. Pinkie (on TV): Hey, I get it! Gl1m0: I didn't ask you! “Hm... Well, I haven’t thought about it,” AJ: Said the author when he was asked what the point of this story was. Pinkie said, “you should have thought about it. You are the smart one in this couple!” “We are not a couple!” Twilight yelled. Everypony looked at them again. Gl1m0: "Ooh, romantic conflict! Screw the food, this is what's for dinner!" One of the clients said: “Why do you embarass your marefriend in public? You should solve your problems at home.” Other ponies present in the restaurants nodded in agreement. “You should apology to Pinkie no matter if you dump her or not.” Ponies made agreeing noises. Gl1m0: The Law of Apathy clearly states, that in the event of one individual of a crowd making a statement or suggestion aloud, the rest of the crowd will ALWAYS agree with that suggestion, no matter how stupid or illogical it sounds. No exceptions. Twilight gnashed her teeths, Twilight: LEARN TO PLURAL, YOU NOOB! AJ: Woah, calm down... Twilight: But these grammatical absurdities incite RAGE in my being...! Gl1m0: This had better be done soon... took a deep breath and said softly: “I’m sorry, darling.” “Oh, that’s nothing, sweetie!” Pinkie smiled. Everypony in the restaurant started to applaud. Gl1m0: Part 8 of the Law of Apathy states that, in the event of extreme unopportunity, the crowd with nevertheless display their approval at the callous expense of another's dignity. There are simply no exceptions. Twilight was embarrased as she had never been before. AJ: Y'know, if that "meter" hadn't of exploded by now... Ah'm sure it would be readin' about 340%. Twilight: And climbing by the second... “Please, somepony kill me...” Gl1m0: Hey, I have to wait for my execution, so you'll just have to deal with waiting too. Tough luck. she murmured and... began to eat her meal. “Great date, isn’t it? Pinkie asked after a while. Twilight: MISSING: Right-side quotation mark. If found, please do not return to its original owner. Donate it to a story that DESERVES it, please. “Firstly, you didn’t want to go, then everypony stared at us and then applauded. How cool is that?” “Yeah. Cool,” Twilight answered coldly. Gl1m0: Heh, I guess you could say she just gave Pinkie... (puts on sunglasses) ...the cold shoulder. AJ: Uh... yeeeeah? Gl1m0: ...You disappoint me, Applejack. (throws away glasses) I am so disappoint. “I’m so happy you enjoy it, Twilight,” Pinkie said calmly. Twilight: .......... Gl1m0: Gonna comment on yet another present/past-tense muck-up? Twilight: Actually, I was just going to say I never would've enjoyed it... “I always wanted my first date to be fun-tastic! And it is!” Twilight grinned awkwardly. Well, she was helping her friend after all. She repeated in her mind that she was saving Pinkie from being depressed. AJ: By pretendin' to be on a real date, even though it's fake. ...Right. Twilight: Seriously, what is the point of all this?! How can a one-off fling with a friend possibly make her all happy forever after again? Gl1m0: ...Magic of friendship? Hell, I dunno... It kept her sane. “All right. Now tell me what you like in me!” Pinkie exclaimed. Gl1m0: "Well, if you insist, I'd really like to put my--" Twillight: EW, FUTA! Gl1m0: ...special recipe of brownies in your stomach, you know, 'cause they're yummy... Twilight: ...Oh. “Say what?” Twilight was actually too tired to look confused. She just look at Pinkie in disbelief. AJ: Land sake's girl, get outta that disbelief right now! You'll stain yer coat! “Well, Twilight, you should compliment me. For example, you could say something about my eyes. Or my coat. Or my mane. Do you like my mane?” “Meh, I like your mane,” Twilight said coldly. “Oh, you need to put more heart into it!” Pinkie looked leniently at Twilight. “Gaah, AAAAAAaay looooooooooooove your mane,” Twilight said sarcastically. Gl1m0: ...Am I the only one who read that as "Gaaaaaaay looooove your mane?" Twilight: Oh Celestia, the pain... “Well, A for an effort.” Pinkie smiled and stuffed her mouth with hay. Gl1m0: And B is for botulism! AJ: C is a crisis, like this fic. Twilight: And D is for dead, which is what I want to be RIGHT NOW. Both friends fnished their meals in silence. Gl1m0: Little known fact, I love to "fnish" my meals. It's adds a sense of intrigue at knowing I can kill spelling just by jamming food in my craw. Pinkie smiled happily all the time, while Twilight was visibly angry and was giving murderous looks around. Twilight: I could commit first degree murder just by glaring at somepony. It's that bad. “Well, that was great! Now, I should walk you home!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Might I walk you home instead? You live closer to the restaurant,” Twilight asked indifferently. She knew she’s not going to convince Pinkie. All: THEN WHY DID YOU TRY?! “No, silly! I asked you out and I gotta walk you home! Gl1m0: Dating logic is best logic. Twilight: Still a more conceivable logic that Pinkie Pie. Let’s go!” Pinkie encouraged her friend to leave the restaurant. After they had went out, Pinke quickly returned to pay the bill. AJ: Pinke was Pinkie's cousin from Timbucktu. She carries the cash, and Pinkie is the getaway mare. “That’s my chance!” Twilight thought and galloped away. Unfortunately, Pinkie was already waiting for her hidden behind a wooden crate. “Where are you going, Twilie? We shall WALK home.” Pinkie giggled. Twilight: Well then, if we must WALK, then we shall WALK. Not a trot, or canter, or walk, we are going to WALK. Gl1m0: Also, did she just say "Twilie"? ...This Pinkie is actually Shining Armor in disguise, I'm calling it now. Twilight sighed. “Okay, let’s get this over with.” Twilight walked slowly toward her house while Pinkie jumped excitedly around her. At one moment they saw Rarity and Big Mac walking from opposite direction. Big Mac looked like the happiest stallion in Equestria Gl1m0: Well, looks like someone's getting lucky tonight. while Rarity, well, was horrified. When both ‘couples’ passed each other, Rarity whispered to Twilight: “Help me!” Twilight: "Hmm... nah." Gl1m0: Hah, I bet this is retribution for Rarity's Generous Plan. Twi & AJ: Thanks for reminding us of that story... Gl1m0: Anytime. Twilight understood her friend. That day was a real nightmare but it was going to end. She decided she was going to think later about probable gossips but they were not important right now. She could alredy see her house what made her feel relieved. Gl1m0: "Phew, finally I can use the bathroom!" When they finally arrived at the door, Twilight took another deep breath and said: “Well, Pinkie. It was the weirdest date ever. I hope you had a good time. And I hope this was our last date.” AJ: "An' here's my fake phone number, so you'll never be able to call me." “Okie-dokie!” Pinkie exclaimed. „But there is only one thing left!” Pinkie giggled. Twilight: Ugh, just look at that. This fic is so shoddily put together, even the quotation marks are falling off. Gl1m0: Not even duct tape can save it now. “What now?” Twilight groaned. “Well. I walked you home, right? Then you we need to kiss each other before I leave! That’s how it usually goes!” Pinkie explained joyfully. Gl1m0: "Or at least, that's what that article on Reddit said. I can trust those, right?" “No way! I agreed on the date, I was embarassed in the restaurant and the whole town is gonna gossip about us for weeks! I’m not gonna kiss you!” Twilight shouted in anger. “Oh, come on, Twilight! You’ve been through so much today! You’re gonna feel better after the kiss!” Pinkie encouraged her friend. “I said no!” Gl1m0: Embrace the power of the no! “Twilie, Twilie! Pleeeeeease! That’s gonna be my first kiss! I think I should kiss someone special!” Pinkie fell on the ground. Her eyes became wet. Twilight groaned. “For Pinkie,” she thought and said aloud: “One short kiss. And nopony can know.” “Sure thing!” Twilight closed her eyes and leaned forward. AJ: And then fell on her face. Laughs were had by all. Gl1m0: She should have watched out for that banana peel Pinkie slipped under her hoof moments ago. She felt disgust. She was not into mares at all. Twilight: The fact that you were on a date, and are now about KISS her notwithstanding, of course. But she was not too assertive as well and now she was about to kiss Pinkie. She felt even more disgust as she touched Pinkie’s mouth. Gl1m0: With what? Vague fic is vague... Twilight: For my sake, I hope it's not with anything other than a hoof... These few seconds seemed to last forever. Gl1m0: The slowest and most undescriptive kiss in fanfic history. That's rather impressive. AJ: Eh, Ah've seen worse... Gl1m0: Oh, do tell. AJ: Later. “Gotcha!” Pinkie shouted and began laughing. “What!?” Twilight opened her eyes. She was touching Pinkie’s elbow with her muzzle. “Pinkie!?” Twilight: "You little TEASE! You can forget about movie night!" Pinkie laughed hysterically. “I can’t believe, Twilight! You’re so naive! You really thought I was dating you for real!?” Pinkie giggled. “You are such a crack-up! I had a great time! That was like my est joke ever! Gl1m0: The estest joke in a long line of est jokes. Well, see you later” Pinkie trotted away laughing. Twilight stood in place for a longer while. She couldn’t think of anything. “T’was a... j-j-joke?” All: Princess Luna?! she stuttered and after a few seconds, she went into her house. “Gotta read something before I freak out...” she thought and opened the first book in sight. Gl1m0: 'How to Properly Apply Brain Bleach'... Twilight: An international best seller! THE END Gl1m0: Finally! Now, can we please get the hell out of here-- AJ: Hold up sugarcube, it looks like there’s still more… Gl1m0: What?! …Ugh. This story lies to me. Twilight: It’s nothing but lies. Later at Sugar Cube Corner. Twilight: Yes, but how much later? An hour? A day? A week?! Ugh, why is this story so insistent on withholding so much information?! Gl1m0: That happens to be considered a crime in many circles. “Pinkie, we need to talk,” Mr. Cake said grimly. AJ: "There's been a huge smell coming from the basement... You wouldn't known anything about that, would you?" “What’s up, Mr. Cake?” Pinkie asked with a grin. Gl1m0: The ceiling, of course! ...I'm sorry, but I had to. Twilight: (facehoofs) “Well... Our sales went down recently and, um, how to put it delicate... Twilight: "I had to sell your hacksaw collection. I know they meant a lot to you, but those things make a killing on the black market." We need to fire you, Pinkie,” he said. Twilight: Out of a cannon, that is. Gl1m0: To the moon. “Oh, silly. You can’t do that!” Pinkie giggled. “What? I’m the owner!” Mr. Cake frowned. Gl1m0: And she's Pinkie Pie. Your status has been overruled, buddy. “Yeah! But, you know, I’m into mares! Everybody’s seen that! Twilight: ...Um, no you're not. I don't care that anyone saw what they saw, but you ADMITTED it was a joke. And it was a bad one, at that. Gl1m0: Wait a second... this was Pinkie's plan all along! She'd fake a date, make it seem like she was gay, and then abuse that status to gain benefits! Twilight: That... is one of the stupidest plans I've ever heard. Gl1m0: And the sad thing is, some people actually get away with this... If you fire me, that will mean that you discriminate against me! You know what I mean?” Pinkie said jumping excitedly around Mr. Cake. Gl1m0: Oh, I do. Apparently, Pinkie is best troll. AJ & Twi: Agreed... Pinkie (on TV): D'aww, I love you guys too! "Um, You are ggoing to sue me, if I fire you?" he asked uncertainly. Twilight: Of course not. She's just going to be very, very disappointed in you. "Exactly!" Pinkie exclaimed and giggled. “Oh, horseapples...” Mr. Cake said and closed his eyes. Gl1m0: This story is full of bull. The Cakes can't just fire Pinkie. One does not simply… wait, is it over now? Twilight: It… yeah, it’s done. Gl1m0: Oh, thank god… AJ: Hey, it could’ve been a heck of a lot worse. Twilight: That’s true… Actually, this story was pretty… tame. A bit stupid, but still, at least it kind of tries to be a story. Gl1m0: Yeah, but it just happened to end up being a sucky story. Nrgh… mediocrity… it burns… Pinkie Pie (on TV): Well, I thought I’d go easy on you this time, y’know, ‘cuz you’re a noob and all. Gl1m0: …… Twilight: Don’t take it too personally. You did do pretty good for a first-timer, though. Gl1m0: I… thanks, I suppose? I’m not sure if being told I’m capable of being a snarky asshole is something to be proud of, though… (All of the windows and doors unlock and open, much to the trio’s delight.) Pinkie Pie (on TV): I suppose I better let you guys out now, but let’s do it again-- (Twilight runs out the door before Pinkie can finish.) Pinkie Pie (on TV): —sometime! Hey, where did Twilight go? …Aw, darn it! I was gonna give her a hint on what the next story I would show her would be! AJ: (deadpan) Well, gee. That’s terrible. Darn shame, that is. Ah’m sure she’s missing out. Pinkie Pie (on TV): Mmm… Oh well, it’ll be more fun as a surprise! Heeheehee! AJ: Well, Ah’m outta here. Ah need to lie down when I get home… (Applejack leaves the house, but leaves the door wide open.) Gl1m0: Hey, you forgot to close the door! Applejack! Apple—ugh. She left. Rude… Pinkie Pie (on TV): That was fun! We should do it again sometime, huh? Gl1m0: I’d really rather not… but, I still can’t understand how you managed to rig MY STUDIO to become basically a prison, without me even noticing. Pinkie Pie (on TV): There’s a lot of things you don’t understand about the world, Glowy… Gl1m0: Uhh… “Glowy”? How did you-- Pinkie Pie (on TV): Well, see ya next time Glowy! Gl1m0: Hang on a second, Pinkie, you aren’t going to-- (Pinkie pushes a button, and the TV turns off with a blip.) Gl1m0: —be doing this again… aren’t… you… Ah, dammit… *Riiiing… Riiiing… Riiiing…* Gl1m0: Hmm…? My cell phone? (Pulls a phone out of his pocket, and answers it.) Hello? ?????: *Heeeey, Glowy! Wassup man? How did that thing with Pinkie go?* Gl1m0: How did you know about—you know what? Never mind. When’s the next time the CRF is coming around this area? ?????: *Eh, about another day or so. Why you ask?* Gl1m0: Listen, I’m not quite sure how, but… I think Pinkie knows. When you bring it over here, I want you to… (Trails off into a whispering.)
07: Making Muffins (with The_Silent_Hero47)07: Making Muffins (with The_Silent_Hero47) Gl1m0: ...Well, this is just great. Stuck in the so-called “realm between continuities.” Isn’t this just dandy. It’s dark, quiet, I can’t see shit, and I swear to god Screwball, STOP BREATHING ON MY NECK AND STRADDLING ME! Screwball: I can’t help it! It’s really freakin’ cold in here, too! (shivers) AH-CHOO!! ...See? Gl1m0: I never asked to be stuck here with you. I don’t even know how the hell we got here! Lucy: Bark! Gl1m0: Exactly! I don’t understand anything around here anymore. ???: *What’s there to understand? Trying to understand nothingness only succeeds in bringing on a nasty headache, really.* Gl1m0: What the hell... Who’s there?! ???: *Oh? Sorry, lemme introduce myself. I’m... YOU!* Gl1m0: WHAT?! But... that can’t be! It’s impossible! ...I don’t sound like *that!* ???: *Search your feelings, you know it to be true!* Gl1m0: N-No! I refuse to accept this! ???: *MUHAHAHAHA... Okay, not really. Technically, I’m your creator. The author of this story, you could say. But, we share the same name, so... we’re kinda similar, in a way.* Gl1m0: But... I don’t believe in creationism. Hell, not even Scientology! How are you my CREATOR? ???: *Your head will probably explode if I explained fully, so... better not. Just know that I made you, and you pretty much always do what I say.* Screwball: Ooh, so if you told him to dance like a drunken Diamond Dog, then he’d do it?! Gl1m0: SCREWBALL! ???: *Naturally. But, I have better things in mind than just childish fun like that. ...We’ll save that for later.* Screwball: Aw, yes! Gl1m0: ...well, fuck me. Well, what are we going to do, then? And HOW, pray tell, are we going to do it? It’s fucking freezing in here. ???: *Ah, sorry... I forget the little things like that. One moment...* [[The darkness clears away, and the trio find themselves inside some kind of Ponyville house.]] Gl1m0: ...The hell? Why are we on the surface again? ???: *Technically, you’re not. At least, not the same “surface” that you knew beforehand. This is a different reality; an altogether different canon from your own.* Gl1m0: ...Wait. Wait wait wait. Are you saying... we’re in another dimension?! ???: *Well... that’s a bit of a heavy-handed way of putting it, but... I suppose that’s right. You see, when you added an out-of-universe fanfic to the CRF’s main containment archive*-- Gl1m0: That wasn’t even my fault! It was those... those Game Over guys, or whoever they were! They bailed before the core imploded, but they were still kind of responsible for it happening in the first place! Screwball: Well, you could have stopped those ponies, couldn’t you? Jeez, it was even written down in the manual! ...That you wrote! Gl1m0: *SHUT. UP.* ???: *...As I was saying, when you did that thing, it sort of... well... Damn it, this sounds SO cheesy. *sighs* May as well get it out... The out-of-universe nature of the fanfic proved incompatible with the processing system, blah blah blah, the resulting implosion of bad fanfiction ripped apart a hole in the fabric of reality, yadda yadda yadda, you three fell inside, etcetera etcetera... and then you met me, I helped you out of there, and now... here you are.* Gl1m0: That’s like... every terribad science fiction cliché come to life. (gets down on knees and pounds head into the floor) FUCK. MY. LIFE. ???: *Now now, don’t go damaging that pretty little head of yours. Mine. Whatever. Anyway, in just a few moments, someone will enter the room, and you’ll be doing a story riff together.* Gl1m0: ...what? ???: *You heard me. Just take this story here.* [[A stack of papers materializes in front of them.]] Gl1m0: How the...? Screwball: Ooh, magic tricks! Can you make a rabbit disappear? What about pulling a bunch of flowers out of a hat? Huh? Huh? ???: ...No. This story? I wrote it myself, just so a poor soul such as yourself--myself? Hell, I dunno--can riff it. Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Well, fuck me. Not again!” Gl1m0: How did you...?! ???: *What part of “author” didn’t you get? Anyway, I can’t stick around for long. Hell, you probably won’t ever hear from me again. But I hope you have fun in this new universe, eh? I’ve got a few surprises waiting there for you! Seeya~!* Gl1m0: Hey--wait! WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND! ???: *...what is it? Make it quick, man. I gotta catch a bus.* Gl1m0: Are you saying we’re TRAPPED here?! What about the CRF?! Th-the containment field was broken, there could be--! ???: --huge consequences for all parties involved, yadda yadda, so on and so on. Trust me, I’ve planned everything out. It’s gonna work out, trust me! Can’t assure you that everyone will come out unscathed, but--ah, fuck, my bus is here! Gotta go...! [[The voice... goes away. Somehow.]] Gl1m0: …He’s... gone? How the hell does a voice from nowhere go away? Screwball: He was kind of a weirdo... I like that guy! Lucy: (whines) Gl1m0: Yeah, he kinda freaks me out too. Silent: (falls from the sky) OW, DAMN IT DISCORD WHY CAN’T YOU REMEMBER I LOST MY WINGS! (looks at Gl1m0) Huh? Gl1m0: Well then... that happened. Um... who are you? Silent: (Gets up and winced at his tiny nubs that were his wings) My name is Silent Hero, former alicorn guardian. And you are? Gl1m0: Er... I’m TheAuthorGl1m0. And don’t bother trying to pronounce it correctly, no one ever does... Screwball: Just call ‘im Glowy! He loves it. Gl1m0: ...This is Screwball, by the way. And that other mare with us is Lucy. Lucy: Bark! Silent: Is Lucy okay? She seems more..... canine. Gl1m0: (mutters) You’re telling me... Yeah, she just thinks she’s a dog. Screwball wanted to keep her, despite my protests... Silent: Okay, so Discord never told me why I’m here... The last thing I remember is sitting at my couch waiting for Apple Bot to get home.... then, boom! Here I am. Screwball: Meh. Boring. We were trapped between dimensions! Gl1m0: Shhh! ...Um, please ignore her. We’re just as lost as you are, trust us. Silent: (takes off his shades) Trust me, with everything I’ve been through, I don’t ask many questions anymore. Besides... (looks at Gl1m0 with his Sapphire eyes) ...I think I’ve heard of you before. Gl1m0: ...Really? If we’re in another universe, I don’t see how that should be possible, but... alright then. (remembers the papers that were left on the ground) Ah... right! That creepy voice left behind this story... Silent: How did I know Discord only wanted me for a riff? Screwball: Eh, beats me! He’s fun like that. Gl1m0: Right... we’re supposed to riff this... But, without our teleprojector, how could we? Unless... Silent: Well, when Discord sent me here like a month ago from earth, I had a few things with me. Let me check really quick. (shuffles through his vest pockets) Uh, I have a phone that can record for almost an hour, would that do? Gl1m0: ...Phones. God, it’s been forever since I’ve seen one. (spaces out for a moment) ...Oh, err... sure, that’ll do. I guess. Silent: How many copies are there? I would really like to save this one for the pit when I make another soul stealer. Screwball: ...I don’t know why, but I like you, guy! Gl1m0: Ignoring... that last... remark, uh... (checks papers) ...He left us like, twenty pages of the same thing. Goodness, this is rather short... Silent: Good. Short, sweet, and down to the point. Let’s do this before AB finds Vinyl helping me clean up the place. Gl1m0: Alright, fine let’s have a look at this... Hmmm... “Making Muffins”... Well then. Lucy: Bark? Silent: Wait, am I seeing this right? It says you wrote it here, Glimo. Gl1m0: ...WHAT? Lemme see that... (eyes go wide) ...what the actual fuck? That voice was telling the truth...! Silent: (trying to sound like Vin Diesel) Let go at this motherfucker then! Gl1m0: Yes, now I’m rather curious as to what “I” even wrote... Screwball: IT BEGINS! ...YET AGAIN! Muffins. Making muffins. Derpy Hooves liked making muffins. Gl1m0: That’s true as far as the fandom is concerned, I guess... Screwball: Actually... Gl1m0: ...well, shit. Hell, she LOVED making the dang things. It’s not hard to imagine making muffins being her secret fetish, for Luna’s sake. Silent: Making Muffins... (scribbles on a notepad) I think we’ve found over 10,000 things that Regi finds as fetishes. Gl1m0: ...’kay, I dunno who Regi is, but if he has THAT many fetishes, I don’t care to know. Oh, but she liked eating muffins most of all. Gl1m0: I would certainly hope so. It’s better than doing... other things with them... Silent: Oh great, another person who thinks having sex with inanimate objects is fine.... why do I get stuck with the weird ones? The blueberry ones, especially. Screwball: Eh... I dunno, those banana nut ones are DA BOMB! Gl1m0: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Screwball: Destroyer of Muffins and Disposable Income! Silent: Also eater of metal works. Yum. Ingredients aren’t that hard to come by, really. Gl1m0: Yes, it’s called a GROCERY STORE. Look it up. Silent: (looks through medieval times dictionary) Nope, not in here. Anypony can make muffins. No one just finds the time to bake anymore, which is sad. Not making muffins is sad. Silent: Okay, what type of illegal drugs were you taking when writing this story? Gl1m0: But I didn’t write it! At least it wasn’t... you know... “me”... Screwball: Oh reeeeally? Gl1m0: ...Yes really. Shut up. It made Derpy sad. You sick bastard, you just made Derpy cry! How could you be so cruel with your not-making-muffin demeanors?! Screwball: Hey, we didn’t even do anything, man! Gl1m0: I love how this story is trying to paint the reader as the bad guy... Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 1. I don’t even know you anymore, man. You’re dead to me. Gl1m0: What a jerk. Silent: You say as you look in a mirror. Gl1m0: But, there’s just no way I could have wrote this! Screwball: (COUGH) Yesyoucouldhave (COUGH) ...But, it didn’t matter a whole lot in the end, I guess. Ponies will be ponies, and at the end of the day, they’ll do whatever the hell their tiny little brains can conjure up. Silent: So what exactly came up in this pony’s mind? Like kicking trees. Silent: Oh, well then.. Seriously, who’d be that crazy enough to kick a tree? It’d probably hurt like hell. Not that Derpy would know of course, she’s never been stupid enough to kick a tree. Gl1m0: Part of me is glad that Applejack didn’t stick around for long, otherwise I imagine I would’ve received a hoof to the jaw for that line. Silent: Just wait, somehow I’ll get back to Ponyville. Gl1m0: Er... you’re not gonna tell her about this, are you? Silent: Na, you’re nice. I won’t tell AJ about this. But I do plan on burning these afterwords. Not that stupid, anyway. Silent: How many ponies can you offend? Gl1m0: At this point, I don’t even care to keep count. There are benefits to living isolated underground, you know. I mean, there WAS that incident with the thundercloud, and the town hall getting trashed or something, but she didn’t give two bucks what other ponies thought of her antics. Gl1m0: She was flat broke, anyway. Why? Screwball: Because reasons, shut up! Because she’s Derpy-frickin’-Hooves, man. That’s why. Silent: Close enough, Screwball. Here, have a treat. (throws a butterscotch at Screwball) Screwball: SWEET! (starts nomming on the treat) Gl1m0: ...Sure, leave me hanging. I’m not important or anything. Screwball: Stop being so butthurt, Glowy! (continues to nom) Silent: Oh hey, look at that! Two more butterscotch candies. Here. (tosses Gl1m0 one) Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you. Gl1m0: ...Duly noted. (begins quietly chewing on his candy) You don’t mess with the Derps. Screwball: Else, she gon’ buck you UP! Silent: Is Derpy a ponyfied version of Duke Nukem? Gl1m0: According to this brainfart of a story, apparently so. Anyway, I think I’m getting off-topic. What was I talking about? ...Baking muffins? Alright, back to that, then. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 2. Gl1m0: ...This should be a drinking game, or something. Ya see, Derps had just picked up this sweet new kitchen stove for her cloud house. Of course, it was a really, really heavy stove, and the damn thing just fell straight through the floor as soon as she put it in place. It probably hit some unicorn on the head or something underneath, she didn’t really know. Or care, really. Silent: And what’s that supposed to mean? (Horn glowing) Gl1m0: Er... I’m not quite sure? ...Please don’t kill me. Silent: I’m THE Hero of Silence! I don’t kill out of free will. That’s Rogue Knight you’re talking about. Screwball: Oh, really? Then how come you talk so much, chatty? That’s not “silent” at all, man. Silent: I don’t ask for anything in return, I just go in, save the day, and move out. That’s all. I mean, everybody’s gotta have a social life. Gl1m0: ….. *coughs* Screwball: Yeah, uh... er... Lucy: ...Bark? Silent: Can I please fix that one? (points to Lucy) Gl1m0: “Fix” her? Lucy: (yelps, and hides behind a nearby lamppost) Gl1m0: Er.... she’s had her shots, thanks. Silent: I can “fix” her... you know that, right? Gl1m0: Fix what? She’s not broken, at least, not as far as I’m aware... I mean, she DOES think she’s a dog, but aside from that... Silent: Last offer. Gl1m0: ………*sighs* …Fine, I guess. I still don’t get this, but... Silent: Okay then. (Horn glows and he uses an ancient spell that he was taught) ...That should do it. Lucy, that’s her name, right? Anyways, how do you feel? Lucy: (blinks, and comes out from hiding) ...Fine, I guess. What’s there to feel? Gl1m0: …................. Screwball: …............... Lucy: Um... are you two okay? Gl1m0 & Screwball: HOW THE *FUCK?!* Lucy: My ears...! Silent: I was taught that from a blind mage near the Crystal Empire. She was nice. Gl1m0: ...But... but but... but but but... Screwball: ...Woah. That. Is. *AWESOME!* Lucy: I’m sorry, but... what’s the matter? Was it something I said? Silent: Ah, right, I forgot to give her memory back. Um, so Lucy, that is your name. Before we met you started acting like a dog, barking and howling and whimpering stuff like that. I asked Gl1m0 here if I could try to “fix” you, which I did just now. So here we are. As to how all of you met... I have no idea, but I was introduce to these guys from Discord sending me here for no reason at all except for riffing. Lucy: ...Oh, right. I see--wait a second... I was acting like a *dog?!* Gl1m0: Er... ever since the day we met, actually. Screwball: Yeah! I was all like, “Can we keep her?” and Glowy was all like “No!” but I kept buggering on about it and he gave in eventually... Lucy: Well, of course I remember you two... We’ve been together for years, now. Processing those fanfics... we had good times. But to think... a dog, all this time... Silent: I know my way must’ve been harsh for you Lucy, but it was the only way for me, at least. Gl1m0: Well then... I’m... not quite sure what to make of all this... Lucy: Um... Mr.... Silent Hero, right? ...Thank you. Silent: You can just call me Silent. And anytime for somepony in need. (Shadow wings appear) Damn it, I hate it when Discord does that. Anywho, Lucy, are you mentally fit enough to riff? Lucy: I’ve been doing this for years, Silent. And while I might have been acting... canine, I still know what I’m doing. Gl1m0: ...I just realized something. I spent these past years learning to speak dog, and now, it kinda seems like a waste of time. *sighs* Son of a bitch... Silent: Hey on the bright side, if and when you get back to earth, you can be a dog trainer. Gl1m0: Uh... earth, right. Right. Er... *coughs* Silent: ...What are you? A pony trapped inside a human? Gl1m0: Not... exactly. I’m human alright, and I’ve been on earth, but... that’s just the thing. I have memories of earth, but as far I can tell, I’ve been living in Equestria all my life. Silent: Huh, guess Celestia didn’t know about you. I’m still trying to find my way home... Although, I’m not sure if I want to. (opens a pocket and looks at a picture of him and Apple Bot via magic) I wouldn’t want to leave her alone. Anyways, let’s get back to riffing. Sound good? Gl1m0: ...Ah, right, right. Almost forgot... Lucy: You’ve always been forgetful, Gl1m0. Gl1m0: ...Not even gonna ask. It was her own damn fault for insisting on being there, though. Lucy: It’s not like she can help it, you know. Gl1m0: Apparently double jeopardy doesn’t work as well for unlucky now-princesses like it should... Hey, anything could happen, but you would think that she would have seen that thing coming. Clouds weren’t meant to hold up all that heavy shit, anyway. It’s why you rarely see a fat pegasi; those puffy little clouds can’t handle all that blubber. Silent: But, wait Snowflake..... he has the smallest wings. Gl1m0: To be fair, most of “that” is muscle. Which weighs less than fat. Screwball: ...Always the science-y junk with you, isn’t it? How do you explain the wings then, Mr. Scientist? Gl1m0: (shrugs) Because magic. Silent: DAMN IT THAT ACTUALLY WORKS HERE! And no, Derpy’s plot doesn’t count. Stop asking. Gl1m0: ...But we weren’t. Lucy: I love how most fanfics assume that Derpy’s rear is “heavy”. Silent: Damn, you beat me to using that. Gl1m0: Well, she always was the sharpest out of us... Silent: Oh well looks like wits have to come quicker to me then. So then, the poor mailmare had to go and ask Pinkie Pie, obviously the only other pony in Ponyville who could help, to use her stove. Pinks was pretty chill with it, and decided to give Derps the go-ahead. Which was really nice of her. Silent: But there’s a catch right? There’s always a catch. Lucy: Unless it’s a fishing club, then I wouldn’t think so. Those cupcakes of suspiciously dubious origin were finished, anyway. Silent: Nice “Cupcakes” reference there, bucko. Gl1m0: ...Thank you? But once again, I must assert that I did not write this fic. Silent: That’s not what this paper says, man. (Shows him the front page) See, by “TheAuthorGl1m0”... I think I pronounced that right. Gl1m0: … (twitches) ...I’m burning this later. Silent: So am I, my friend. (pats Glimo) So am I. The ingredients were all there, of course. Flour, sugar, asbestos; Screwball: Ooh, and don’t forget those toenail clippings. Them’s is good stuff. Silent: And I’m never eating things from you again. Like I have before. Gl1m0: And now you know why we order take-out food. everything needed to either make muffins, or poison an entire boardroom meeting. Which is really fun, by the way; next time you’re ever cooking for The Man, give it a try. Never before has getting revenge for those over-inflated taxes ever felt so awesome. Silent: I might try that to a certain “Lord of Chaos” next time. Discord: (through whole room) I heard that! Silent: OH COME ON, CUT ME SOME SLACK DUDE! Screwball: (giggles) That’s Discord for ya! Speaking of awesome, guess who flew inside right when good ol’ Derpy was ready to bake? Gl1m0: I’m gonna guess... a swarm of parasprites? Screwball: Ooh, a buzzard! Lucy: Um... a bird? Silent: Knowing how this fanfic is going I’m going to say... Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash, of course. Gl1m0: Eh, he called it. Silent: I should’ve made a bet on that. Naturally, the daredevil pegasus chose to ask her why the heck she was there, and Derps responded by saying, “Oops, my bad!” or some other stuff to that effect. Lucy: ...You know, spouting a non-sequitur in such a place wouldn’t be the smartest idea. Then again, we are talking about a Derpy that seems about as bright as a lump of coal... Gl1m0: Also, story, you do know that she doesn’t have to quote lines from the show all the time, right? Silent: At least she hasn’t said, “I don’t know what went wrong”. Derpy has a way with words, you see. Gl1m0: Hence the reason she wasn’t jailed for causing roughly ten-thousand bits worth of property damage to the town hall. Silent: I thought that was because Applejack would pay for that. Gl1m0: Exactly. Derpy hocked the charges off on AJ. Screwball: (scoffs) What a cheapflank. And then she got kicked out into the street. You know, kinda like that leech of a cousin who says he’s gonna get a job, but he doesn’t, and then you get kinda pissed off and no matter how many times you threaten to break his legs, he still insists on staying and mooching off of your cookies and soda, so you finally kick him out into the street. Just like what RD did to poor Derps. Jeez, what a bitch. Silent: Oh, look. Fourth wall breaking attempt number 3. Screwball: Eh, at least he remember to use the proper word this time, unlike that other weird story with that sports-loving Gary St-- Gl1m0 & Lucy: Please don’t remind us of that fic. Silent: I’m lost here... Gl1m0: Don’t. Even. Ask. Silent: I’m planning on not doing so. Anyway, brave Derpy Hooves isn’t the kind of mare to give so easily, no sir. She went ahead and visited every one of her dear friends all around town, Gl1m0: ...How many friends does she even have, again? Like... three? That’s not a lot of choice, really... Silent: Hey, don’t be mean to Derpy. She’s awesome, and way more. Gl1m0: Well, alright, but it’s not like I know her personally or anything... Silent: I’ve met her a few times.... she broke my mailbox. Gl1m0: How cute. Screwball broke the dimensional barriers. Screwball: Not like it was hard, or anything. Silent: Uh, I’m not gonna ask again. to see if any of them would be ever-so-kind enough to offer her usage of their muffin-making devices. What’s the “mainstream” word that people use, again? Stoves? Sure, let’s roll with that. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 4. Dude, you were high or something when you wrote this, right? Or at least majorly bored? Gl1m0: I... DIDN’T... WRITE THIS! Some creepy voice that said it was “me” wrote it! HE’S the one who gave it to me in the first place! Silent: Fine, fine I won’t tease you about it anymore. Screwball: Aw, but where’s the fun in that? Silent: I see fire in his eyes. I am STILL needed in Ponyville. But for some weird reason, most of them completely ignored her. Either that, or they’d talk to her one minute, and then look away and act as if they don’t even remember her anymore. Gl1m0: ...Why is this reminding me of my very limited experience with other human women? Silent: Oh, man if I ever get out of here I still have two more years of highschool left... Which is strange, because that kinda reminds me of that one really long and sappy fanfic about that random background pony written by that one really popular guy who’s apparently obsessed with leggy princesses and random shit blowing up. He’s pretty cool, I suppose. Silent: What story is this author talking about? Because I’m WAY lost. Also fourth wall breaking attempt (low whisper) Mombo, number 5. Gl1m0: Honestly? ...No idea. But then again, I’m not familiar with most fanfics aside from the worst ones, so... The ending sucked, though. Silent: Just like every fanfic I’ve riffed so far. Man, I’ve been riffing so much here that I’ve been riffing books I’m reading. GOOD, PUBLISHED, BOOKS! Gl1m0: Riffing is life, man. Lucy: I suppose it tends to latch on, like a habit... or a leech, rather. (casts a look in Screwball’s direction) Screwball: ...Heeeeeey, what’s that supposed to mean? Lucy: Nothing at all, I was just wondering if you were as smart as you didn’t appear. Screwball: ...Oh. Thanks! Lucy: (giggles) Oh, you’re too much... Also, I kinda feel like I oughta mention that Derpy doesn’t get why so many ponies are bitching about getting paired up with other ponies for no particular reason at all. Gl1m0: Blame the fanfics. All of them. They’re to blame. Silent: What about mine? Gl1m0: ...Well, I haven’t read any, so, I can’t say for sure. But to be nice, I’ll say... no? Silent: Well, I did write a fanfic where Discord had a crush on Celestia... but I’ll just leave it at that. No real shipping there. For some reason, a bunch of ponies think it’s HER fault. Apparently, they think she got a job as a matchmaker or something. But, c’mon people, Twilight x Blueblood? The Derps don’t ship that. Really. Be serious now. Screwball: Hahahahahaha... no. We are never serious. Silent: She did however ship Rainbow Dash with a sink, so... Gl1m0: Shipped with EVERYTHING. Friggin’ knew it... Anyway, it seemed pretty obvious that Derpy wasn’t gonna get to bake any muffins after all. Which is a darn shame, ‘cause they’d probably taste like a slice-o’-heaven. Silent: How do you make Butterscotch muffins? Gl1m0: With effort. Lucy: And preferably, a very long pole. Or just muffins. Either or, really. Lucy: Why can’t this story ever make up its mind? Silent: Because the reason. So, sick and tired of all this bullshit about baking muffins, Derpy throws up her hooves and yells, “BUCK IT!” before proceeding to the nearest grocery mart, and simply buying some freshly store-baked muffins for a dime a dozen. Gl1m0: ...Is it just me, or did this story switch from past to present tense all of a sudden? (twitches) HAAAAAAAATE... Silent: I don’t know anymore. I just wanna go home, drink my cider, and hug my marefriend. That’s all I want in life. Lucy: ...I envy you, actually. And who cares if dimes aren’t even a real Equestrian currency? Ever hear of inflation? Those little hunks of metal will be worth billions one day, trust me. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 6. Gl1m0: I’m starting to wonder if there was even a “wall” to begin with. It’s probably more like a freakin’ window. Come to think of it, where did “bits” come from, anyway? I know there’s that little jingle that goes, “shave and a haircut; two bits!” and all, but I still don’t get it. Why not call them something cooler, like... Screwball: Snoodles! Lucy: ...Snoodles? Really? Silent: Shpoopale? Gl1m0: ...Uh, loonies? Like... Gl1m0: Like... like... like... Silent: It’s a scratched record! Someone call anypony but MY Vinyl! Goins. Silent: Goins? Yeah, goins. Silent: ...Am I really talking to this story? WHAT THE FUCK ARE GOINS? You know, like “gold” and “coin” mixed together. Bits are made of gold, after all. They are made of gold, right? Or... maybe some other yellow metal. They could even be made of friggin’ painted wood, for all you know. Gl1m0: ...Well then. Apparently this story is SO fourth wall aware, it’s actually speaking to us riffers. It’s like it *knows...* Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempts numbers 7 and 8. Holy shit, we’re almost in the double digits. Screwball: Eh. I’ve seen better. Hell, I never read that guide book. Don’t ask me. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 9. Oh great... I feel like a cop in supertroopers. Gl1m0: Ugh, if anything, this sounds like a story that Screwball would write. Screwball: What? No way! There aren’t nearly enough scenes with cool-looking explosions for it to be me. Gl1m0: ...As long as I live, I’m not letting you go near a pencil or paper. The world isn’t ready for the Micheal Bay of the written word. Lucy: And never will be. Derpy heads back to her less-than-humble abode with her muffins in tow, and decides to give one a quick taste test. It tasted like raspberries. Silent: Okay, so having a rare muffin choice is not so ba-- And bubblegum. God, I love bubblegum. Silent: ...Do I even want to ask? Gl1m0: For our sakes, please don’t. Why do I like bubblegum? Gl1m0: Ah, FUCK. Too late. Well, it’s a long story, and it involved a turnip, a bucket of paint, and three extremely drunk and kinky mares. I’d rather just leave it at that, folks. Silent: What!? I’m sorry, I didn’t catch all of that! Lucy: …… (twitches) Gl1m0: I’m... not sure what to make of this. ...Seriously. Quit asking about it. You’ll never survive. Silent: Ugh, I’m not liking this story by the second. Gl1m0: You’re only just now coming to that conclusion? I hated it the moment that it claimed it was written by “me”. Silent: Well, yeah, of course you would. As I was saying, Derpy had just returned home with her awesome to discover something terrible: some bitch had stomped apart her flower garden! Screwball: AND! THAT’S! TERRIBLE! Silent: Please don’t become Rarity.. Or bitches, as the case might be, as she then noticed those three really crazy fillies that are always trying to find ways to get those tattoos on their thighs. Gl1m0: Taking bets! Who says that these AREN’T the CMC? Silent: Any takers? Screwball: … (starts to raise her hoof, but Gl1m0 swats it down) Silent: Nope, okay! Let’s go on. Yep, not flanks—THIGHS, people. Everyone calls them blank-flanks, but just so you folks know, that is NOT the correct term. Lucy: ...To be fair, that is technically correct. Screwball: Bah, what do YOU know? It’s a fanfic, Lucy. Silent: Uh, I just wanna go home now. Gl1m0: Wishes were made to be unfulfilled, I’m sad to say. Horse flanks are nowhere near where those tattoo things are supposed to be—what are they called again, cutie marks? Yeah, those. Silent: After fighting numerous monsters and saving a few ponies, yet I STILL haven’t gotten my cutie mark... not like I care, or anything. Gl1m0: Well, at least that’s one personal crisis I need never worry about. Screwball: I got a cutie mark. It’s cool. See, see? (shows off her flank) Gl1m0: ...Uh, yeah. It suits your name. Lucy: And mine is... well... Silent: What is yours anyway, Lucy? I tend not to care about cutie marks. Lucy: A... (looks at her mark) ...screw. Well, I... don’t know what to make of that... Silent: Well.... you DID act like a dog.... Gl1m0: I guess it means you had a... screw loose, maybe? Not sure what it means now, though... Silent: I’m still being made fun of by freaking fillies because of this, but then I threaten them with my trusty soul stealer blade. Gl1m0: Ah... that would certainly cut a conversation short. Get your facts straight, folks. Jeez. Gl1m0: ...Come to think of it, that was fourth wall breaking attempts 10, 11, and 12 we just read through. Just... wow. That’s all I can say. Silent: Damn! I was supposed to keep count... Anyway, those fillies were trying to get their thigh tattoo in gardening or something, but even the Derps could see that they were the epitome of epic failure in that department. Gl1m0: This is coming from Derpy, right? And she would know this HOW? Lucy: From experience, I guess. Silent: That, and all around town you can hear “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS INSERT SUBJECT OF WORK HERE!” But still, being the awesomely kind and nice mare that she is, Derpy let those three get off scot-free, without a spanking. Lucy: Wouldn’t that... technically be foal abuse? Silent: Maybe.... Lucy: Ungh... (shivers) I... don’t want to think about that... She was totally telling their mothers, though. Screwball: Jeez, Derpy is such a tattletale. Silent: I remember when my garden got torched... She ended up becoming my marefriend. Gl1m0: The fires of love doth burn bright, this summer evening... I just made that up. Silent: Sounds almost like Shakespeare... but you need more lengthy sentences. Speaking of fillies, the Derps has a little filly of her own, wouldn’t ya know. All: We *do.* Gl1m0: And fanfic authors will NOT stop harping on about that fact. Silent: Ugh.... hate sucky stories... And she’s probably the most fucking adorable thing you will ever lay your squishy mortal eyes on. Screwball: Do I sense a CHALLENGE, story? Silent: Highly doubt that you can beat Apple Bot being cute. NOTHING can beat Apple Bot being cute. Her name? Dinky. And don’t laugh! Even though it’s a really silly name, if you dared laugh at it, then the Derp WILL find you, and she will not hesitate to fuck you up. Lucy: Beware the strange ones, I guess... Silent: There is no reason anypony should be afraid of me. Gl1m0: Meh, haven’t seen enough. Though I will warn you about Screwball... Screwball: FEAR ME! RAWR! So watch out, pal. Screwball: Because she’s an evil enchantress, and she’ll put you in trances~! Silent: That bitch still owes me tacos.... I’m talking to her after this. Also Fourth wall breaking attempt number 13 and 14. Derpy went back inside her house, and gave her little Dinky a great big bear hug. (She’s not really a bear of course, but that’s the closest thing I could think of when trying to come up with a half-decent description.) Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 15. Gl1m0: Why. WHY. WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS POINTLESS SHIT, STORY. Silent: Because it can, “you”. Gl1m0: ...I am going to punch that “Author” in his nonexistent face. Silent: Have fun with that. And then, they both shared in some of the muffins that dear old mum had bought for them both. I gave myself diabetes trying to come up with a more accurate description, so in the interest of a longer lifespan, I’ll simply leave it at that. Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 16. Gl1m0: I kind of wish that he did die while trying to recreate the “cuteness”. It would save us so much trouble. Screwball: So... you wanna commit suicide, or something? Silent: Now, Gl1m0, that’s no way to talk about yourself. Gl1m0: ...fuck you guys. Fuck you all. Silent: Lucy didn’t do anything. Gl1m0: Well, no, but... Guh, I can’t even go one day without being politically incorrect, can I? Lucy: I, uh... I’ll just be over here... While they were eating their awesomely-store-baked muffins, cute lil’ Dinky turns to her mum and asks: “Mommy, why was Rainbow Dash licking the spot where Pinkie Pie pees out of?” Gl1m0: I’m sorry, let me read that again. ...WHAT. Silent: Thanks, now I’m temporarily deaf. Screwball: ...WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! To which Derpy simply smiled and replied, “Well, they were making muffins, my little muffin.” Silent: I’m going to repeat my good friend here, and say... WHAT!? Gl1m0: I just... I can’t... HOW. Screwball: Also, *TITLE DROP!* Lucy: How “clever”. Sexual innuendo was hidden in the title, and that was the only warning we ever got about this. Ya see, Derpy don’t subscribe to that birds ‘n bees bullshit; she tells it like it is. Screwball: Eh, I kinda wish my parents were like that. I had to learn all the stuff I do through OTHER means. Lucy: Oh? Such as...? Screwball: The internet, silly. Now, as soon as Glowy takes the lock off that server box... Gl1m0: Screwball, I put a mature-filter proxy on our connection for a REASON, you know. And then, Derpy proceeded to lecture innocent little Dinky on the importance of true love, interpreting the ideal mate, and the many safe sex practices. Silent: Okay, this story is whacked out! I’m so glad this is almost over! Gl1m0: TELL me about it; it went from “Meh” to “WTF” in five seconds flat! Lucy: Well... that’s nothing new, really. Silent: But out of all the stories in the world, I was less prepared for a Derpy story becoming like that. Gl1m0: This HAS to be a trollfic... It... it has to be! Licking the place a girl pees out of wasn’t among them. Silent: I wonder why? (Insert Very Heavy Sarcasm here) Screwball: Because of the excuse. (Insert Complete Cluelessness here) Gl1m0: I just don’t give a shit anymore... (Insert Utter Apathy here) So yeah, that’s pretty much how her day went so far. Just a normal, average day in Equestria for the Derps. Gl1m0: Yeah, I’d kind of hesitate to call that “average”! Silent: Or even normal. This is a dream on acid or something. Kickin’ back at home, with one leg wrapped around her Dinky, and a kickass muffin cradled in the other. Lucy: For whatever reason, I’m picturing Derpy in that pose from... what movie was that, again? Gl1m0: Ah... Tony Montana, from Scarface? Except, you know... minus the cocaine, and gun. Silent: I’m having a very hard time wanting to just get up and leave now. Gl1m0: I wouldn’t worry about that too much, we’re just about done... U jelly, non-Derps? Lucy: ...Not really, no. Silent: (Holds up a pic of him and AB) I’m good. Gl1m0: As much as it pains me to say it... I’d rather keep with what I have now. Screwball: Awwww, Glowy~! Gl1m0: ...Oh wait, then there’s YOU, of course. Silent: Aw, come on, don’t be mean to her now. She’s only having her fun. Screwball: Ah, whatevs. We love making fun of eachother like this. Gl1m0: If not for the occasional mindfuck, then for the sheer hell of it. Silent: (nods) Sounds about right. All right, I should get going then-- Screwball: WAITWAITWAIT! We still have...! ~END~ Screwball: Ka-boom! HAPPY END! ...Okay, now you can go. Silent: (sighs) I’m so glad I live in the marketplace. Gl1m0: Well then, that was certainly... something. I don’t think I’d wanna do that again... But anyway, now we can finally dispose of this trash... Silent: I just throw it in my forge. Sadly, it makes the best swords. Lucy: You can makes swords out of bad fanfiction? Silent: Does ANYPONY know how Blacksmithing works other than me? All: …........ Gl1m0: Er... you hit the hot metal with the... the hammer thing? Silent: OH DEAR LORD! You need fire to make different metals hot. I burn bad fanfics, thus, FIRE! And sadly, with the different sizes and numbers of papers, it makes the forge work better than ever... I hate explaining that all the time. Screwball: Hey, that’s makes two of us. Gl1m0: Well, excuse me. We don’t exactly “get out” often. Speaking of which... Silent: Discord! We’re done, can I go now? Discord: (heard in all the room) Not until you apologize. Silent: I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THAT! Screwball: Eh, cut him some slack, man. He’s just a boy. Silent: I’m just the only blacksmith in town, isn’t supposed to belong here, and has a pyro who still gets called out as a marefriend. But he really doesn't cut me much. Discord: (sighs) Fine, you can go, Silent. But first, all of you have to say something nice about each other. Screwball: Oh? Pfft, that’s easy. Glowy, you are NOT a nerd, and do NOT need a teddy bear to sleep at night. Lucy, you do NOT wet the bed. And Not-So-Silent person, you are NOT a weirdo! Gl1m0: ...How are THOSE compliments? Discord: I’m counting it. Screwball: SWEET! (sticks tongue out at Gl1m0) Silent: Okay... Gl1m0 you have a good personality, uh Lucy, you have very great wits, and Screwball...... I like your, uh.... mane. Screwball: Oh, you do~? Thanks, I shampoo it every day! Gl1m0: Well... I don’t suppose I’m exempt from this. Silent, as strange as you first appeared to me, you seem like a pretty cool guy. Lucy, although I’m still kind of freaked-the-fuck-out that you can speak now, you’re very kind, and sharp as a tack. And Screwball... uh... you’re... tolerable. That’s all, really. Oh, and uh... thanks for helping Lucy, Silent. I suppose. Silent: Anytime. Lucy: ...Oh. Was I supposed to go next? Okay... Gl1m0, you’re very kind to us, despite our eccentricities, and you look after us daily. Screwball, you are just plain BATTY, but that’s exactly why I like you. And Silent... um... thank you again, for what you did. Silent: I’m pretty sure you guys would done the same for me if I had somepony with me that wasn’t in their right state of mi— (Discord vanishes him) Gl1m0: ...Well, that was rather rude. Discord: I’m the Lord of Chaos! I’ve gotta have my fun sometimes. Screwball: He’s got a point, Glowy. Lucy: A bizarre one, to be sure... Gl1m0: Eh... Well, we’re still stuck, regardless. That “Author” left us here, which I can only assume to be the the surface... but he said it was a whole other dimension... Screwball: Meh. Dimension, tension, suspension, let’s just explore! Just THINK of what kinds of cool stuff are up here! Gl1m0: Screwball... you KNOW we can’t do that. We have to get back to the CRF, one way or another. And by god, if those four are still hanging around in there, I have words for them... Lucy: I would agree, actually... though, I haven’t had a proper chance to really “see” the outside world, even if it’s technically not the same one. I don’t think me acting the way I did in the past really counts as being able to “truly” experience it, so... I want to see everything anew. Start fresh, I suppose. Gl1m0: …I may never get used to hearing you talk, Lucy. Lucy: You got used to me as a canine, so it’s not like you can’t adapt again. Gl1m0: ...True, I guess. [[Gl1m0 walks over to the door, and starts to push it open.]] Gl1m0: At least nothing else unexpected happened, right? It was just us that fell through that tear, and those other dudes bailed well before that... (pushes door open fully.) Now then—wait... the hell is going on? [[Outside is a scene of activity. Numerous ponies appear to be cantering briskly down the recognizable roads of Ponyville, all of whom are heading in the same direction.]] Gl1m0: ...once again, the hell is going on? Screwball: Ooh, is this that “parade” thing I’ve heard so much about?! Lucy: They’re all... talking about stuff. [[A pair of ponies hurry by, chatting all the way.]] Cherry Berry: ...can you believe it? I saw it from the balloon this morning! It’s *huge!* Carrot Top: I heard it from Colgate just a few minutes ago, actually. Though I didn’t even need to say it, it was right there... Gl1m0: Uhh... excuse me? Cherry: Huh? ...Oh! You’re one of those humans! Cool. Carrot Top: You needed something? Gl1m0: Yes, um... what is with all the commotion? Screwball: Is it a parade?! Carrot Top: Uh... no. You mean you don’t know? Everypony’s been in a stir over it! Lucy: Over what? Gl1m0: Yes, what? I’m afraid we’re... er... new? And stuff? Screwball: All kinds of stuffy stuff. Cherry: ...Right. Anyway, uh... there’s this huge thing that appeared just outside Ponyville. It looks like it burrowed straight out of the ground, too! Right out of Sweet Apple Acres! Carrot: It missed my carrot farm, thank Celestia... but I’ve never seem Applejack so upset before. Most of the trees in that area were wrecked. Gl1m0: ...Um. Big thing, out of the ground. I see. Screwball: That sounds familiar, eh Glowy? Gl1m0: (starts to sweat) Uh... Cherry: Just look over there, it’s huge! You can even see it from here! (points at something across the distance) [[The three of them turn to look towards where she is pointing, and gape.]] Gl1m0: Oh... Screwball: Woah. Lucy: Uh... I... [[A positively HUGE machine shaped also like a giant submarine with drills attached is seen in the far distance, half-sticking out of the ground and half-buried in the earth. Uprooted trees are visible around it. A crowd of ponies is seen gathering around it, even from this distance. The three “crew members” of this machine are agape.]] Gl1m0: ...I never thought I would be this terrified to see the CRF again. To be continued...
