“Nazis.”
“Why does it always have to be Nazis?” I sighed. I looked around the dirt clearing, noticing the fires at the edges, giving the area an ominous glow. Glancing back at the men with guns, I noticed only about half of them paying attention; the other half looked almost asleep.
“Because mein freund,” the Nazi leader began, “since we are, nobody dares to interrupt our ‘research’.”
I gave the Nazi leader a glancing look, and I could tell that he was a pretty high ranking officer. He even had a cliche scar across one eye and a funny SS on his collar.
Something told me that the research these guys meant didn’t involve going to their local library. I sighed, and shifted in the restraints. The rope keeping my hands together started to get itchy.
Why was it that bad guys only used the bad rope? Couldn’t they use good rope? Wait, no, the good guys have the good rope. That’s why they’re good…
Looking around, I realized that I wasn’t being the most polite guest to the people who were pointing their guns at me. I cleared my throat, and began to speak.
“So what are you going to do about the Diamond Wing? Sell it to some creepy
collector that’ll just stuff it into his basement?”
The leader seemed amused by my comment. The men with the guns pointed at me
continue to point their guns at me.
“Ah, but this is the Diamond Wing! You are aware of its powers I presume?”
“Yeah, yeah.” I rolled my eyes, like I was explaining the concept of... Something. Whatever, I need to be speaking right now.
“Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah. Place it on the pedestal at the time of the full moon, wait for a few hours, and see what the Hell it does, since no one else seems to know. At least, no one still alive.” I cocked my head to one side, “listen, are you guys going to shoot me or do I have to be tied to a post all day? I have papers to grade.”
Wait, I *do** have papers to grade.*
“Never mind, feel free to shoot.”
This time, the head honcho Nazi actually laughed, or something that resembled laughter. Kind of sounded like a dying horse.
A dying Nazi horse. Jeez, that would suck.
“Ah, mein freund, you have made me laugh many times over these . . . How many years has it been?”
“Just about ten now”
Oh, I should get him an anniversary present! What would he like? A gun? No, he’d use that… How about a toaster. Yeah, everyone likes toasters. Toast is awesome.
“Ah, yes. A decade of treasure hunting while I fervently chase after, hoping that one day you slip up; just as you did today mein dear Doctor.” He seemed pretty happy at the fact that I screwed up.
Never mind, he’s definitely not getting a toaster anymore. Jerk-face.
“Hey! It’s not my fault that those locals hated that statue so badly!”
“Ah, yes Doctor, but such is life.”
Suddenly, the man’s demeanor changed dramatically. Going from happy and psychotic to melancholy. “I will truly miss you, Dr. Bones, but life goes on.” He paused as if in thought, “At least, for me anyways. Men, kill him. I do not wish to be disturbed.”
“Hey, Mister Uber Nazi man, I dunno what your Nazi guns fire, probably the tears of children and Brussel sprouts, but normal guns make noise.”
The head honcho Nazi, as I’ve come to calling him, walked away, snorting and shaking his head, leaving me with his subordinates. Still pointing guns at me might I add.
“So,” I began with a sly smirk, “You guys come here often?”
“Nein! tun wir nicht! Und ich deine Mutter gefickt!”
“I have no idea what you just said, but I think you just insulted my mother.”
“Ja.”
The amount of bullets that rained down on me was unbelievable. What’s even more unbelievable is that not one of them managed to hit me.
Seriously? YOU HAD ONE JOB!
A stray bullet hit where my cuffs where tied together, and I was freed from its rope clutches. I scrambled behind the thick pole that I was previously tied to, and I began to think of a plan. All right, they took my revolver, my hat- damn them- and my useless and obscure map.
If I can somehow get around these idiots without getting shot, I’ll be fine. Thankfully, that’s easier *done** than said.*
Once the idiots ran out of bullets in their magazines, I sprinted as fast as I could from the pole and toward the tent I saw Head Honcho Nazi walk into earlier. I was almost home free before I felt a burning sensation in my shoulder and lower left arm.
“Oh great, now they decide to aim!”
Ignoring- and failing- at ignoring the pain from the gun wounds, I ran as quietly as I could toward the tent, using the darkness of night as my cover. I was just about to run in when I heard the sound of boots stomping past. Once the coast was clear, I managed to wriggle out of the bush I was in and get close to the flap that was the entrance to the tent.
“Ich liebe dich, du liebst mich, wir sind eine glückliche Familie~”
“Shit shit shit!” My eyes flicked from object to object on the floor.
Tree, no. Leaves, no. Well… Nah, that’d look stupid. Ohh, box, perfect!
I managed to fit myself in the large box, more of a crate than a box.
Mhh… Love me a good box.
I looked out of a crevice under the rim of the box and saw the feet of the soldier in front of me.
I moved the box up, and slowly crawled over to the tent, before I heard the soldier whirl around.
“Please don’t see me, please don’t see me, please don’t see me.” I whispered to the box gods
“Dumm box. Ich wünschte, du wärst ein Panda. Dann würde ich dich umarmen.”
Did he just say Panda?
Once I was certain the stupid guard was done watching me, I continued my slow trek towards the tent in my box camouflage.
Once I was within reach of the tent flap, the mean non-box God decided to throw me another curve ball. A boot was promptly stomped onto my box, preventing me from moving any further.
“Was ist diese Box hier? Ah! Ich weiß! Sir! Ihre amerikanischen Porno ist da!”
The soldier that was speaking picked up the box I was using as cover, and I held onto the inside of it for dear life, thanking whoever was watching over me that these men were as bright as sticks.
No wonder they were never able to catch me.
The soldier left me on the ground opposite of the Head Honcho Nazi, and I sprung form my hiding place.
The Nazi cocked his head, “You’re my porn?”
I face palmed, and put on my hat that was on a table nearby.
“Doctor Bones! How did you escape my men!?” He recoiled in surprise, not even thinking to use the gun on his hip.
I shrugged, still feeling a sharp pain in my shoulder. “Simple. Your men are idiots my dear Watson!”
Head Honcho Nazi seemed to take offense to this.
“You come here, take what is rightfully mine, insult my men, and you disguise yourself as a shipment of dirty magazines!”
“Actually, that never came. I just found a box and hid in it.”
“Nein! You will not ruin another of my plans!”
The Head Honcho Nazi finally went to reach for the Luger in the holster at his side, only to knock over the Diamond Wing in his own haste and/or stupidity.
CRACK
FUUUUUUUU-
The Diamond Wing shattered into countless crystal shards and pieces, the shards twinkled on the ground like diamonds in the sky. The Diamond Wing, or what was left of it, began to glow and vibrate with unstable power, arcs of electricity bursting from it at spontaneous intervals.
“Head Honcho Nazi, what did you do?”
He gulped. “Mein name is Alexis, Doctor.” He said sadly, not even thinking to back away from the magic artifact sparking at his feet.
“Yeah, right.”
The remains of the artifact continued to glow brighter and brighter until all I could see was an endless white void.
Huh… This is gonna hurt, isn’t it…
<==(+)==>
Daring Do was closing in on the final piece of the puzzle. If she could solve this puzzle, she would have entrance to the Temple of The Forgotten. A temple deep in the Zebrican Forest; far from Equestria’s borders.
All she had to do was make the left slab become the right slab, and the right slab become the upper slab, while the bottom slab could be none of them yet couldn’t be the bottom one either.
Wait… What?
Daring had completed many puzzles in her ten years of exploring, yet this puzzle was one puzzle that refused to be solved.
“Ugh! Why can’t this stupid puzzle solve itself!”
“Because that would be in violation of code 987654321-911.”
Daring looked down upon the puzzle in confusion. “Say wha?”
Okay… This is a first. Talking puzzle. I… I can do this.
“I said, that would be in violation of code 987654321-911. I cannot give the answer to this puzzle, as I would be shirking my duties as an A.I. to the 3rd Reich.
“An A.I. huh? What the Hell is that supposed to be?” Daring began walking around the puzzle, looking for the hidden person.
“Artificial Intelligence. An A.I. is a super computer with an extreme processor that can process million of gigabytes of information in minutes.”
“So you’re a fancy machine with a fancy name?” She crossed her arms, giving up her search, returning to the front.
“Ja.”
She stared at the puzzle for a bit, before finally speaking up. “This statement is false.”
This time, a small blue person appeared from the ruined surface. “Ha! Like I haven’t heard that one before! I know to not even try to process that idea.”
Daring smiled. “Alright then. The cake is a lie.” She didn't even blink at the tiny blue person that was projecting from the puzzle. She'd seen far weirder things in other temples. This actually ranked among the most normal.
The small blue figure frowned. “The cake… Is a lie?”
Daring wore a smug look. “Eeyup! The cake. Is. A. Lie.”
“But that… it doesn’t make any sense! How can a cake be a lie! It is a physical object! I can’t just be a lie… unless everything I know is a lie! I’ll have to do a manual reboot and wipe my memory banks of everything but orders! I’ll have to make sure I’m cleansed! But wait… If the cake is a lie, so could my orders! But orders are orders! But it could be a lie like everything else! Nein!”
The small figure was having a panic attack until it finally stood still and spoke with a monotone voice. “System shut down imminent. Systems will reboot upon awakening.”
After that, the figure disappeared and in its place was an odd blue screen of some kind with the phrase, 'windows has encounters a problem.'
Daring smiled, raising a fist in the air triumphantly. “Aw, Derpy, I owe you the biggest muffin ever when I get back…”
She smiled, then remained where she stood, completely and utterly befuddled by the entire thing. That is, until the puzzle solved itself and now had granted her access to the main chamber.
Daring shook her head. “I’m not sure what just happened, but hell if I care, the puzzle solved itself!” With a skip in her step, Daring made her way into the newly accessed room, smiling happily.
In the center of the room stood a large wing made of diamond, flawless in every sense of the word. Light glinted of its facets and taught the stars themselves to shine bright.
“Woah.”
Daring slowly and reverently made her way up the large stone steps that led up to it. As she neared the Wing, she saw a crack appear, marring its perfect beauty. Then another, and another- until the entire wing seemed like it was about to fall apart.
“What the-“ Daring had to shield her eyes as the wing glowed a brilliant white and shattered, causing a large weight to be put on her shoulders.
“What the Hell . . . Oh son of a-"
Heroes Never Die the way the Villain Wants them to
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Heroes Never Die the way the Villain Wants them to
"Son of a bitch . . ."
I rolled over onto my stomach, to force the large object off of my back And onto the dusty stone floor of the temple.
I turned to look at what had come out of the Diamond Wing; I was surprised at what I found.
"What the hay?"
The figure in question was wearing a plain, white, button up shirt with The sleeves rolled up at the elbow, stained with dirt and blood. Around his waist he had a worn out leather belt and black jeans. For shoes he was wearing boots that were eerily similar to my own.
He looked as if he came from any cliché adventure movie, and I didn't like it. Not one bit.
So, I did what an sane Fortune Hunter does when confronted with an object that they have no idea will do when prompted; I poked his face with a stick.
He didn’t even flinch.
I threw the stick behind me, eliciting a nonexistent cat to meow angrily.
Huh.
Ignoring the phantom cat meow, I turned my gaze lower to his clothing.
"Does this guy think he's cool or something? Wearing his sleeves up like that, or that his fading black jeans make him look cool? The blood stains on his shirt . . ."
Wait . . . Blood stains!
"Oh my gosh he's bleeding!"
I lugged the unconscious man over my shoulder and slowly trudged out of the room.
Taking one last glance at what was once the Diamond Wing, I crossed the threshold into the main chamber, shaking my head in failure.
I placed the man against the crumbling wall, and I would have lit a torch had the blue screen from earlier not been illuminating the small area with its faint light.
"Now, how do I wake up an unconscious person?" I muttered to myself, staring down at the poorly-dressed man.
I had several ideas in mind, some of them more viable than others.
One such idea was whipping him until he woke up, but I thought it would be against my best interests to do that.
So instead I opted to repeatedly throw the metal object that was laying next to him at his stomach.
BOOM!
After the fourth time of hitting the man in the gut, the metal thing shot fire from the end and made me hold my ears in pain.
"AH TOAST ATTAaa...ack. What the hell?"
The man looked around the temple in confusion at his position against the wall before turning his gaze to me.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Daring Do. Ace adventurer and treasure hunter!" I snickered, " and just who are you supposed to be? A cliché movie hero?"
The man laughed heartily. "No, but I do get that a lot. Name's Doctor Drake Bones. But all my friends call me Bones. And when I mean all my friends, I mean a sociopathic German man."
What kind of drugs is this guy taking? I thought to myself, furrowing my brows and widening my eyes, taking a step back.
"Um, okay then. Could you explain to me why you appeared in this temple? And just why you had to destroy the Diamond Wing to do so?" I added in angrily.
That wing would've been worth a fortune! Now it's worthless thanks to this idiot.
"As to how I got to this temple, I have no clue. All I remember is an argument about dirty magazines and then the Diamond Wing hitting the ground and breaking. After that, I woke up here."
"Anything else?" I questioned as threateningly as I could.
The man paused for a moment before replying. "Nope!"
Needless to say, my palm made a wonderful companion with my face.
"Alright then, how about a question" I began slowly, "How about, since you look like your such an adventurer, I let you go on your way while I go on mine. Deal?"
The man didn't even flinch. "Sure. I need to go make sure the University knows where I am anyways."
Oh my Celestia this was easier than I thought.
I watched as the man picked up the strange metal object and put it into an odd pocket on his belt. He walked off towards the entrance of the temple as I watched until he passed through a large doorway.
I jumped to my feet. "Well, I got rid of him rather easily. And now that I think of it. Most if this has been a bit too easy. No traps, a guardian that broke, and now I can just freely leave? This is a first."
Not one to question my streak of good luck, I started off for the exit when I heard a click under my boot.
"It's never this easy."
The room began to rumble as the decrepit ceiling started to fall apart and as gravity would have it, fall towards me.
"Crap crap crap!" I shouted to myself as I began dodging falling debris while making my mad dash for the entrance.
I dived for the entrance just as a large section of the ceiling sealed the entrance.
I sat up on the ground and pulled my knees up to my chin. "First, I lose the Diamond Wing. Then I meet a weirdo that didn't even know where he was. And on top of all that, I broke another temple! Could this trip get any worse?" I whined sadly.
"Ah, yes. Yes it could my Dear Daring."
<=+=>
I wandered through the odd forest, wondering just where in the Seven Hells I was.
I walked along, pointing out things that shouldn't be there. "That doesn't exist, that's extinct, I don't even know what that is- and this is coming from a History professor!"
A chicken snake thing charged through the path, mere feet away from me, followed by a small group of what appeared to be wolves made of wood.
"I may not be a biology professor, but I'm sure as hell that isn't right."
After the wooden wolves sighting, I kept my hand on my revolver, unsure of what else this forest had for me up its figurative sleeve.
After passing the same tree five times, I decided it was time for a quick break.
"I wonder how that Daring girl is doing," I shrugged, noncommittally, "eh, she's probably fine."
<=+=>
I clutched my bleeding arm, torn open from one of Ahuitzotl's minions.
My Archenemy, Ahuitzotl, was admittedly enough, quite handsome. He had slicked back black hair, golden irises, and a chiseled face. He always wore that black suit and blood red tie; stating that, 'I am on business, and should be dressed as such.'
I glared defiantly at said villain, daring him to act again.
"Why do you continue to fight Daring? You know you've lost; yet you continue. Why is this?"
I smirked. "Usually I do it just to spite you."
"Oh, Daring, I'm so hurt that you think of me in that way. I bet you stay up all night thinking of ways I could suffer a terrible injury."
I chuckled darkly. "It happens from time to time."
Or all the time.
Ahuitzotl frowned. "Well, now the friendly banter is over with, maybe we could come to an agreement, yes?"
I spit, aiming for his face, but all it did was get all over his suit.
"Tsk tsk, very improper for a woman, don't you think? I think so. And if all I'm going to get out of you further is more spit, than I guess this is where this little game of cat and mouse of ours ends. Men, would you please show Ms. Daring to ‘the door’"
Ahuitzotl walked out the clearing, two of his hideous minions following close behind.
The remaining four pulled out machetes and knives. Being unable to move because of the awfully uncomfortable rope bindings, I did what any other fortune hunter about to be stabbed to death would do.
"HHEELLPP!!"
<=+=>
I sat against an odd blue tree, thinking of what I should do next and organizing my priorities.
I'm in the middle of a jungle in God knows where. I have no contact with the University or the research center. It's okay; I've been in worse during that foul up in the middle if the Arabian Desert. Thank God I found that friendly trading caravan.
"Ugh, I'm going off on tangents again. Now I know what my students mean when they say I become distracted easily."
"Maybe I'll feel more focused after a well deserved nap."
I climbed up onto a low branch, still wary of the wooden wolves I saw earlier.
I was about to drift off into the realm of infinite possibilities when a scream pierced the air.
"HELP!"
At first, I simply dismissed it as an odd coincidental noise that the Forest was creating.
“HELP!”
The cry was louder and clearer, prompting me to jump down and hit the ground running, desperate to help whomever was in trouble.
It sounds awfully familiar though
"HHEELLPP!!"
I broke into a dead sprint for the voice, dodging the oncoming shrubbery and vines, right hand already on my revolver and I thumbed the hammer back.
I finally broke through the tree line into a clearing. In the clearing there were four unknown masked men, all wielding machetes and knives.
Men wielding blades was nothing new, I was actually quite glad they had blades- it usually means they weren't carrying firearms. What threw me off was their target.
The girl from earlier.
She was cut up something fierce and her clothing was in ribbons. She was bleeding heavily and looked like she was about to collapse, and her countenance showed pure terror, but her eyes showed defiance and a fighting spirit, no matter how broken.
"Hey, idiots!" The four men stopped and turned to me in confusion; only to have a revolver barrel pointed at them.
"Bang."
I fired off the first shot, downing the first of them instantly.
I thumbed the hammer back again and downed another of the knife wielding freaks with a bullet to the chest before they got over their initial shock. I thumbed the hammer back a third time, the wheel changing the spent round to a fresh one.
One of the freaks charged me and he brought his machete up to strike, only for me to bring up the revolver in a defensive block. Sparks flew of the barrel as the blade grinded down and halted at the finger guard. I pushed him back with a grunt of effort and fired as he stumbled back, and then finally dropping to the ground.
I the revolver made a menacing click as I thumbed the hammer back a final time.
The freak hesitated as he weighed his options. Charging the man with a loaded revolver, and said revolver being pointed at you, no longer seemed like a pleasing idea. The last one thought rationally and ran into the thick of the forest.
I holstered the gun and jogged over to the girl. She was barely conscious and bleeding out. Remembering the girl's name from earlier, I tried to keep her talking, as I knew that an unresponsive patient is most likely going to soon become a dead patient.
"Daring, c'mon, stay with me here."
"Drake . . .?"
I torn a strip of clothe from my sleeve and covered up her most severe wound; a large gash in her right arm that seemed too rough to be caused by a blade.
Unable to give her professional medical help, I needed to take her to a
doctor, and quickly.
"Daring. This is very important. I need you to tell me how to find the nearest town."
Daring lulled her head a bit to the side and said, "map . . . In my pocket . . .”
Oh God, this girl has like, twenty pockets!
I quickly rummaged through daring's front pockets, and I was unable to find the map.
"Which pocket is the map in, Daring."
"Left . . . Top."
I spotted the pocket she was mumbling about, and cursed my luck.
Out of the twenty pockets or so she had. She had to put it in that one.
I slowly reached for the pocket.
It doesn't count I'm just helping her, it doesn't count, it doesn't count . . .
I tried my best not to touch Daring's perfect chest while I quickly unbuttoned the pocket and pulled out a slightly cut map.
"Ahah!" I found a circled 'X' with the name, 'Zumidia'.
I gently picked up the injured fortune hunter in a classic bridal hold, and I began to make my hasty journey to the town, and hopefully, to help for the poor girl in my arms.
