One minute Applejack was bucking apples on the farm, the next she was sitting on a stool in a dark room.
“What in tarnation?” she uttered.
“Applejack, is that you?” asked a voice on her left.
“Twilight, Applejack?” asked another, this one on her right.
“Rarity?”
“What’s goin’ on here, guys?” said Applejack.
“I don’t know. I was just reading Mythical Facts and Figures and then suddenly wound up here.”
“Where are we?” Rarity demanded.
A booming voice echoed in the darkness: “Mares and gentle colts, welcome to...‘The Dating Game!’”
The lights went up and the three mares found themselves in a TV studio, with a large audience of disembodied hands clapping in front of them.
The voice continued: “Here is your host, the Lord of Chaos himself: Diiiiiisscooooord!”
On cue, the draconequus appeared wearing a red suit before the audience and bowed to them.
“Thank you, thank you!” he said into a hand mic. “Howdy, folks and welcome to ‘The Dating Game!’ The show where ponies, and other creatures, find true love! In a moment, we will bring out today’s bachelor who will select from three lovely bachelorettes to go on a date with! Let’s go and meet the lucky ladies, shall we?”
“What in the world is...?” Rarity started to say.
He hovered over her. “Bachelorette Number One hails from Ponyville, but is quite popular among the Canterlot elite, especially when it comes to fashion! Her hobbies include dress making, gem hunting and relaxing at the spa. She’s also the Element of Generosity and a stay-at-home older sister. Let’s hear a round of applause for Rarity!”
The floating hands applauded, making the white unicorn blush. “Oh, stop! I can’t handle all the praise!”
Applejack huffed. “Yeah, right.”
Discord appeared behind the cowgirl. “Bachelorette Number Two is the rodeo champ and top athlete in all of Equestria! That’s pretty good, considering she has no wings.”
“Hey!”
“Hay is for horses, and this little hayseed runs her own farm and apple orchard, continuing her family business. Yep, she’s a real family gal, had to raise her little sister on her own. Her hobbies include apple bucking, herding, lassoing and helping the orphans of Canterlot. You can ask this pony anything, for she’ll always tell the truth. Let’s give a warm welcome to Applejack!”
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Discord, I demand you tell us what...”
“And Bachelorette Number Three has the most impressive résumé! She was Princess Celestia’s personal protégé for years, helped defeat Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, and me...” the draconequus grumbled.
“We were there too!” Rarity interrupted.
“She also vanquished an Ursa Minor single hoofedly, perfected a time spell, finished Starswirl the Bearded’s Secret Unfinished Masterpiece and earned the right to become a princess without being born into the family! Her hobbies include reading, magic, more reading and spending time with her friends. Seriously, this pony’s a regular bookworm! Please welcome Princess Twilight Sparkle!”
“Discord!” the alicorn shouted.
“Yes, Bachelorette Number Three?” their host asked innocently.
“What is going on here?”
“I’m doing my job: helping the poor, unfortunate ponies of Equestria.”
“How is this helping? And what do you mean poor and unfortunate?”
“Why, I’m helping you single ladies to become not single.”
“Hey!” Applejack exclaimed. “There’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ single!”
“I agree,” Rarity confirmed. “Besides, I’m kind of seeing some pony at the moment. Well, we haven’t made it official yet, but...”
“And of all the single girls in Equestria, why pick us?” Twilight demanded.
Discord ignored her question. “Come on, girls. Admit that you want to stop spending your evenings wallowing in loneliness, with no pony to comfort you in the middle of the night! I know what that’s like after all.”
Applejack rubbed her chin. “It would be nice to have some pony to take to the hoedown next fall...”
“I suppose meeting some pony new wouldn’t hurt,” Rarity added.
“You’re not seriously considering going along with this, are you?” Twilight asked in disbelief.
The unicorn shrugged. “It’s worth a try.”
Twilight looked between them and sighed in defeat. “Well, as long as we’re here...”
“Wonderful!” Discord cheered. “Now let’s meet today’s handsome bachelor! This fella was raised from infancy by ponies. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was a pony! This little dragon has a big heart and a love for gems. His hobbies include baking, cleaning, blindly following demands, getting birthday presents, dancing the conga and fawning over pretty unicorns. Everyone clap for Spike the Dragon!”
“Spike?!” the three mares said in unison.
The small dragon materialized on the other side of the wall, a look of confusion on his face.
“What the hay?”
“Hold on, I’ve changed my mind!” Applejack cried.
She covered her mouth as she spoke in a high, helium voice.
“What happened to...?” Rarity started to say but stopped once she heard the bass voice come out of her mouth.
“Oh boy, what do I sound...?” Twilight got her answer as she spoke. “I sound like Photo Finish!”
“Sorry, we have to disguise your voices to hide your identities,” Discord explained.
“Can some pony explain to me what’s going on here?” Spike demanded.
“Today’s your lucky day, my scaly friend! You have the chance to date one of the most eligible bachelorettes in Equestria!”
The dragon lit up. “Rarity?”
On the other side, Rarity was touched while Applejack looked like she was going to die.
“All you have to do,” Discord continued, “is ask these three mystery bachelorettes a few questions and choose one of them to go on a date with!”
“Which one’s Rarity?” Spike asked, jumping in his seat.
“I can’t do this!” Twilight exclaimed in her fake German accent. “It’s Spike for Pete’s sake!”
Applejack shook her head wildly. “No! I shouldn’t be here!”
They attempted to get out of their seats, only to discover that they were glued to them.
“Should I be offended by that?” Spike inquired.
“Never mind that,” Discord said, waving it off. “Every reality show needs some drama. Let’s talk about what you will win after today’s show! You and the mare of your choice will have a romantic candlelit dinner for two at one of the fanciest restaurants in Canterlot!”
“But which one’s Rarity?”
“You’ll find out after you pick. Are you ready for the first question?”
“Well, I...”
“Good! Here you go.”
He handed the dragon a stack of cards. Spike read the first one aloud:
“Bachelorette Number One, what is your favorite color?” He raised an eyebrow at Discord. “Seriously?”
“Hmm,” Rarity pondered. “That’s a hard one.”
Spike snickered. “She sounds like Flutterguy.”
“Ha-ha. I’d have to say...purple.”
“Hey, I’m purple! Bachelorettes Numbers Two and Three?”
“I’ll be honest here,” Applejack answered in her helium voice, “I can’t decide between orange and red.”
“Lavender,” Twilight stated with a twinge of annoyance.
“That’s not really Photo Finish back there, is it?” Spike whispered to Discord.
The draconequus shook his head. “Nope. You may now ask your next question.”
“Okay. Bachelorette Number Two, what music do you like to listen to?”
Applejack did not hesitate. “Country.”
“Bachelorette Number One?”
“Classical,” Rarity replied.
“Number Three?”
Twilight thought about it for a moment. She figured she might as well play along.
“I’d listen to any music good enough for studying, but I kind of like pop.”
“Studying?” Spike questioned as he flipped to the next card. “Okay. Bachelorette Number One, if I showed up on our date in a tux after falling into a pile of manure, would you laugh at me?”
Rarity cringed. “Well, I would be slightly disgusted, but I wouldn’t laugh...”
“I’d give you a bath right away,” Twilight interrupted.
Applejack grinned as she thought of the situation. “Well, you’d probably be smelly, but I wouldn’t laugh. First I’d clean you up like Twi—Bachelorette Three here would do or at least throw your suit in the dumpster. Then we’d continue with our date.” She paused. “Actually, scratch that. I really don’t mind the smell of manure.”
“Gee,” Spike uttered. “Okay, next question. If you were pulling an anvil cart, and I happened to be walking by, would you ask me to pull it for you or would you pull it on your own?”
“Well, if you’re offering...” Rarity swooned.
“I’d ask you to help,” Twilight replied, “but I couldn’t have you do it all by yourself. We’d pull it together.”
“It’s really not necessary for you to help,” Applejack answered. “I wouldn’t want ya to get hurt.”
The dragon moved on to the next question. “If any of you know me in real life, what is your attraction to me?”
“Hey, that’s not a fair question!” the cowgirl shouted in panic.
“Just answer it!” Discord commanded.
“I...I...”
“I’ll go first,” Rarity offered. “I think you’re the cutest little thing ever! When I see you, I just want to pinch your chubby little cheeks!”
Spike blushed. “Bachelorette Number Three?”
Twilight cringed. “Uh...you’re really like a little brother to me.”
“Oh. Okay. Number Two?”
Applejack sat paralyzed in her seat, and not because she was glued to the chair. Beads of sweat dripped down her forehead, her face growing hot. Her legs started shaking as the fear and embarrassment that had bottled up inside her all these years came to a boil.
“Um, Number Two?” Discord said into his mic. “Your answer, please?”
“Darling?” Rarity questioned. “Are you alright?”
“What’s happening over there?” Spike asked, leaning forward to get a view behind the wall.
The cowgirl could not say it. Not to his face. Actually, it would not be to his face, but she had only told her secret to one pony and a zebra, and that had been by accident. No one was ever supposed to know. She had hidden it so well that no one had been able to figure it out, save Zecora, but she knew everything. If she told him the truth and he ended up not picking her, she would be humiliated.
But what would happen if he did pick her? Would he be satisfied with his choice? Would she finally get what she had secretly desired?
She hung her head in defeat. “Spike...the truth is I...I...I kind of like you.”
Rarity and Twilight gasped in shock. “What?!”
“What?” Spike repeated.
Applejack sighed. “It’s true. I’ve had a crush on you for years, but I could never do anything about it because of,” she darted her eyes at Rarity, “her! I thought it was just a slight attraction, but it wouldn’t go away. You’re generous, noble, hard-working and just plain adorable!” She blushed shyly. “Sometimes I think I might be in love with ya.”
The other two mares had their mouths wide open. The dragon was struck in awe. He could not believe that someone could be so attracted to him, possibly in love with him. He recalled Bachelorette Number Two’s other answers and she sounded like a compassionate and understanding girl. His hope increased at the chance that it could be Rarity.
“Well, that was certainly an emotional speech,” Discord declared. “Have you made your decision Spike?”
The dragon stood on his stool. “I have! And I choose...”
“Discord?”
Everyone looked out at the audience to see Fluttershy standing in a doorway.
“What’s going on here?” she asked the draconequus.
“Oh,” Discord beamed. “Hi, honey! Do you mind? I’m hosting a game show here.”
“In the bathroom?”
“This is the bathroom?” Rarity questioned, glancing around.
“Do you need to go, my dear?” Discord inquired.
Fluttershy shook her head. “I was just looking for you and why does Rarity sound like me while I was affected by poison joke?”
“Wait,” Spike said. “That’s Rarity?”
The draconequus groaned. “Oh, you ruined it! And he was about to make his decision too!”
He snapped his fingers and the wall between the dragon and the mares evaporated. Spike’s eyes widened.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! My choices were Rarity, Applejack and Twilight?”
“For the record, we had no choice!” Twilight put her hoof to her throat. “Hey, my voice is back!”
“Discord, what gives? You know I like Rarity, so why did you bring the other two?”
The draconequus sighed. “I was trying to do something nice for you ponies and fix this pesky little love triangle here!”
Spike scrunched his nose. “Love triangle? What love triangle?”
“The one between you, Rarity and Applejack!”
“Me, Rarity and...Applejack?”
Everyone turned to the cowgirl, whose cheeks were as red as apples.
“Wait, wait, wait,” Spike said. “Let me wrap my head around this. Applejack was the one with the high squeaky voice?”
“Yes,” Discord replied nonchalantly.
“And she...has a crush on me?”
“You’re catching on.”
The dragon faced the earth pony, who now had her back to him. He cautiously stepped toward her.
“AJ, I had no idea.”
She snapped her head around, her eyes stained with tears. “Of course you didn’t! You were too busy fawnin’ over Miss Perfect here to notice! You think you suffered from unrequited love? Well, I kept my feelings silent! I told no pony except Fluttershy and...” She turned accusingly towards the pegasus. “You said you wouldn’t tell any pony!”
“I didn’t,” Fluttershy insisted.
“I figured it out for myself,” Discord declared.
“Anyway,” Applejack continued, “I couldn’t tell ya, cuz I knew how much you liked Rarity! I couldn’t get in the way of yerr happiness, even if she did take ya for granted! So I kept it all to myself. What else could I do?”
She turned away from him and sobbed. Spike said nothing for a while.
“How long?”
“Since ya saved me from the Timberwolves,” she sniffed.
“That long? Whoa.”
“So why am I here?” Twilight asked Discord.
“I just wanted to bug you,” he chuckled.
Applejack pulled her hat over her face. “Don’t you worry about me, Spike. I know you only like me as a friend.”
“But...” the dragon stammered. “I do kind of like you.”
Rarity gasped. “I thought you liked me!”
“I do! I like both of you!”
“So which one of us is it, Spike?” Applejack demanded.
He twiddled his fingers. “I...I...I don’t know.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Ah, the age old question: the girl you’re in love with or the girl who’s in love with you? Looks like we’ll have to change the channel.”
He snapped his fingers, blinding everyone with a bright light. When the light died down, Spike was sitting between Applejack and Rarity on a couch and Discord in an armchair across from them. Twilight and Fluttershy were in the front row of the audience, looking just as perplexed as the ponies and dragon onstage.
“Welcome to Dr. Discord, every pony! Today we are going to solve a love triangle that has been going on for years!”
“Why are you doing this anyway?” Spike asked.
“I know what it’s like to feel like an outcast, thinking that we’ll never find true love,” he winked at Fluttershy. “I’m going to help you find that special some pony. You see, folks, Spike here is caught between two beautiful mares, one whom he’s worshiped from afar and one who is head over hooves for him. Today, he is going to choose between the two. So Spike, tell us. Exactly what are your feelings for these mares?”
The dragon gulped. “Well, the first moment I saw Rarity, something in me sort of snapped. She’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen!”
“Aw!” Rarity exclaimed.
“She makes my heart quiver in ways I can’t explain. She’s also giving, talented, able to take care of herself...” He suddenly rose into the air, hearts popping up around him. “She’s amazing!”
The unicorn felt slightly uncomfortable and tugged the dragon back into his seat.
“Interesting,” Discord stated. “And what do you think of Applejack?”
Spike snapped out of his trance. “Oh. Applejack is...well...she’s not that bad to look at. The way she battled those Timberwolves was awesome! She’s bold, independent, honest, strong, and she’s cool to hang out with.” He looked at her and she avoided his gaze. “She kind of makes me feel queasy too, but in a good way. I...I’m really fond of her.”
“And Rarity, what are your feelings for Spike?”
The unicorn was stunned. “Oh, um...” The dragon looked at her expectedly. “Well...I always thought he was adorable, and...when you gave me that fire ruby, I was touched. In fact, you have done a lot of nice things for me, Spike, all of which I have taken for granted. I suppose...I admire you a little.”
Discord nodded. “Applejack, you’ve pretty much summed up your feelings already, but if there’s anything you want to add on...”
“One thing,” the cowgirl replied, facing the dragon. “I don’t care who you choose, Sugar Cube, so long as you’re happy.”
“Wow,” Spike murmured.
“So who’s it going to be, sport?” their host inquired in a dramatic voice.
He looked between the two mares. They were both attractive, they were both hard-working, they both made his heart flutter and they both had incredible personalities. One was refined, the other was tough. One was generous, the other honest. One was bedazzling, the other rustically beautiful. An hour ago, he would have chosen Rarity immediately, but now that he knew there was some pony else who cared about him deeply, it became more complicated.
“I...I...” He cried out in frustration. “I can’t decide!”
Discord analyzed the situation. “Okay, so let me get this straight.” He pointed to Rarity. “She likes you a little and you like her a lot. Meanwhile,” he pointed to Applejack, “she likes you a lot, and you like her a little.”
He stood up and stomped his goat leg. “Gah! I give up! I don’t know how to handle this! I never had two mares fighting over me!”
“We’re not fighting!” Applejack and Rarity said simultaneously.
“At least I’m not,” the unicorn said. “Spike’s had a crush on me forever. Of course, he’ll pick me.”
“You don’t treat him right!” the cowgirl protested.
“I’ll do better! Isn’t that right, Spiky Wikey?”
“Well, uh...” the dragon stuttered.
“So you’ll do what?” Applejack argued. “Keep asking him favors? Have him take out the trash for ya? Use him as a pin cushion? Spike never needs to do me any favors! He only does it because he wants to!”
“He does the same with me!” Rarity exclaimed. “And he doesn’t mind! Right, Spike?”
He was about to say something when Applejack interrupted. “You don’t deserve him! He practically worships the ground ya walk on and ya take advantage of it!”
“I do not!”
“Do too!”
“Do not!”
“Do too!”
“Do not!”
“Enough!”
The two went silent as Fluttershy flew onto the stage. “Now, we are going to settle this once and for all, and you two are going to behave yourselves! Understand?”
They nodded obediently. Discord slid his arm around the pegasus.
“Remind me to get some private time with you after this,” he whispered.
“Later,” Fluttershy replied. “I have an idea. Discord, what made you realize your feelings for me?”
He thought about it and then snapped his fingers. “The first time I kissed you! The moment our lips touched, I knew you were the one for me. I just...felt it right here.” He put his paw over his chest.
“That’s how we’ll solve this then.”
Discord’s eyebrows shot up. “Ooh, I see!”
“What?” Spike, Rarity and Applejack said as one.
He turned to the trio, rubbing his hands together mischievously. “Pucker up and put on some lipstick, squirt! You’re going to have to kiss them both!”
“What?!” they repeated.
“To know which mare you love the most,” Fluttershy explained, “you’ll have to kiss them both.”
“The best kisser wins!” Discord declared.
“I’ve already kissed him!” Rarity insisted.
“The cheek doesn’t count! It has to be square on the lips!”
“A k-k-kiss?” the dragon stuttered.
“That’s right, kid!”
“B-b-but how will I know which one is...?”
“Whichever feels right,” Fluttershy said.
“You’ll feel a mix of passion and comfort,” Discord described. “You’ll feel a fluttery motion inside of you for a few seconds, and then you’ll sink into glorious bliss. Observe!”
He snatched his wife without warning and pressed his lips against hers. Spike cringed a little, but paid close attention to Fluttershy’s reaction. Her eyes widened in surprise, but then slowly shut as she gently raised her hoof to his face. He dug his claws into her mane and bended forward, deepening the kiss.
“Okay, okay!” Applejack cried. “We get it!”
The couple pulled away and blushed slightly.
“That’s what you’re looking for, kid,” Discord winked. “Well, what are you waiting for? Get smooching!”
“Oh,” Spike uttered, his claws shaking. “Okay.”
He turned to Rarity, closed his eyes and puckered his lips. The unicorn leaned forward reluctantly and hated to admit to herself that she felt uncomfortable doing this. She adored little Spike, but the idea of kissing him seemed...weird. She shut her eyes tight and decided to get this over with.
She plunged in for the kiss. Applejack looked away immediately. Spike’s eyes shot open to show his pupils transform into hearts. It only lasted for a few seconds before Rarity pulled away desperately.
“Wow!” Spike exclaimed, floating in mid-air.
When he wasn’t looking, the unicorn wiped her mouth with her hoof.
“It ain’t over, squirt,” Discord said, wagging his finger. “You have one more mare to kiss.”
He landed on the couch with a thump and looked at Applejack just as she was turning to face him. As the two pairs of green eyes met, Spike could have sworn he felt a spark. Applejack glanced down at the floor and rubbed her foreleg awkwardly.
“Uh, Spike...if this doesn’t work out...”
“I’ll always consider you as a friend,” Spike finished.
She locked gaze with him again. “And I won’t think of you as any less noble.”
“Honey,” Fluttershy whispered.
“What?” Discord replied.
“They’re finishing each other’s sentences.”
“If this doesn’t meet to your expectations...” Spike continued.
“I don’t want things to become awkward between us,” Applejack confirmed.
“Kiss her, you dummy!” Twilight bellowed.
Everyone gave the alicorn a funny look, causing her to sink into her seat with embarrassment.
“Well,” Spike gulped, facing the cowgirl again.
“Here it goes,” Applejack muttered.
They simultaneously closed their eyes and leaned forward. Spike remembered a situation similar to this. He had been fantasizing about Rarity, not realizing that Applejack had been standing right next to him as he had puckered up. She remembered that incident too. That had been long before she started having feelings for him. Now they were finishing what they had started.
The distance between them was short, but it seemed an eternity before their lips finally met. Spike’s eyes opened wide as a spark of electricity surged through his body. His heart pounded in the way it had when he had kissed Rarity, but there was something else along with it. This kiss did not feel as awkward as he had expected. Applejack’s lips tasted, unsurprisingly, of apples.
He felt comfortable, like his lips were meant to touch hers. He slid his eyes closed and enjoyed the magnificent pleasure he was experiencing. He raised his claw to caress her face, causing Applejack to open her eyes. Once she saw what he was doing, she grinned and shut them again, sliding her hoof around his neck.
“Oh,” Discord uttered as they deepened their kiss.
“Goodness,” Rarity gasped.
Twilight and Fluttershy nodded dumbly in agreement. They watched as the two repositioned their lips and pulled each other closer. They did not even recall that the others were staring. At that moment, they felt like the only two in the world.
“They’re going to have to come up for air at some point,” Discord murmured to his wife. “Hey, get a room, you lovebirds!”
When they finally parted, Applejack and Spike stared at each other for a long time.
“Wow!” they breathed together.
“Well!” the draconequus exclaimed, clasping his hands together. “I guess that answers that!” He spoke into his microphone. “Spike, you have chosen Bachelorette Number Two!”
The dragon turned to the unicorn beside him. “Uh, Rarity...you understand, right? I still think you’re great and all, but AJ...”
“Oh,” Rarity sighed. “Don’t worry about little old me. Frankly, I think she’s better for you.”
“Now you two can go on your romantic candlelit dinner!” Discord announced.
“Actually,” Applejack said, “I was thinkin’ more of a...”
“Picnic under the gazebo?” Spike finished.
“It’s a date.”
The disembodied hands applauded as the couple walked toward the exit, still not taking their eyes off each other. Spike opened the door with a bow.
“May I?”
“Thank you kindly, Spike,” Applejack chuckled.
The dragon shut the door as he followed her out.
“I’m so happy for them,” Twilight said with a sigh.
“You were wonderful,” Fluttershy complimented, nudging her husband.
“Yeah, well, I’m a fan of true love,” Discord declared.
“Oh well,” Rarity shrugged. “I wonder if Fancy Pants is available tonight.”
Author's Note
I wrote this months ago after writing "Bride of Discord." If you've read that, you'll remember the love triangle I created between Applejack, Rarity and Spike but it wasn't quite sorted out. I had also uploaded this on Fanfiction.
No offense to Rarity, but I never quite thought she and Spike were right for each other. Plus, I know what it's like to like a guy who wants someone else. I guess I just incorporated that characteristic into Applejack. Anyway, this was fun to write!
