Three Little Fillies

by MythrilMoth

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Derpy Hooves, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 938

A new take on "The Three Little Pigs" featuring the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Derpy.

In this retelling of the classic "The Three Little Pigs", the Cutie Mark Crusaders are being terrorized by the pony with the most destructive butt in Equestria.

Published 2013-08-30 04:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-30 04:20:03 UTC

I'll herp, and I'll derp, and I'll...

Once upon a time, in the town of Ponyville,
There were three little fillies who lived on a hill.
One had a sister who sold apple treats,
The second one's sister sold clothes to elites.
The third had no sister, but she didn't mind,
For her mentor was truly one of a kind.

They shared a clubhouse which was run-down and old,
The roof leaked, the floor creaked, and it smelled of mold.

One said, "That's it! I've had just enough!
We need a new clubhouse, one that's really tough!"
The others agreed, and set out to plan
A brand new place to house their blank-flank clan.

But a whole day passed, and they couldn't agree
Which plan for the new clubhouse was best of the three
So the fillies decided they would build them all,
And prove to the others their house would not fall.

The first filly's designs were epic and grand,
But when the others arrived, all did not go as planned.
For her clubhouse was built out of rainbows and cloud;
With posters of Rainbow Dash and music so loud.
The others were mad that their friend built a place
Only she could inhabit, because of her race.
"It's a pegasus house!" they cried, and their friend gave a pout;
"I get it already!" she said. "You don't have to shout!"

As the fillies continued to bicker and fight,
Along came a mailmare on wings soft and light.
Her mane was spun gold and her coat clean and gray;
Her golden eyes rolled and spun every which way.
She bounced on the roof of the house made of cloud;
With every bounce thunder boomed long and loud.
"Scootaloo, Scootaloo, give me some mail!"
"I don't have any, Derpy! Get out of my tail!"

"You don't?" Derpy said, with an unhappy frown.
"Then I'll herp, and I'll derp, and I'll plot your house down!"

"My house is too awesome, there's no way it'll break!
Now go bother somepony else, you big flake!"

Derpy herped, and she derped, and she sat on the roof.
The cloud house collapsed with a comical POOF!
Scootaloo tumbled out and bowled over her friends,
And Derpy flew off without making amends.

The next day, the second filly built her new place,
A monstrous mishmash of fabric, ribbons and lace.
"This isn't a clubhouse, it's a dolled-up old tent!
And there aren't any windows, and this pole's all bent!"
But the filly was stubborn, and wanted to stay;
"If you don't like it, you can just go away!"

As the fillies continued to bicker and fight,
Along came a mailmare on wings soft and light.
Her mane was spun gold and her coat clean and gray;
Her golden eyes rolled and spun every which way.
The tent wobbled madly as she bounced on the top;
The unicorn filly cried, "You're breaking it! Stop!"
"Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle, give me some mail!"
"I don't have any, Derpy! Get out of my tail!"

"You don't?" Derpy said, with an unhappy frown.
"Then I'll herp, and I'll derp, and I'll plot your house down!"

"I made this house pretty and I made this house strong;
If you think you can wreck it, then I'll prove you wrong!"

Derpy herped, and she derped, and she sat on the tent.
The weak poles collapsed, and down it all went.
The fillies were trapped in the ribbons and lace,
And Derpy flew off with a smile on her face.

At last, it was time for the third filly's try;
She'd build the Crusaders a clubhouse or die!
So she drew up a plan for the best clubhouse ever;
She deserved a cutie mark for being so clever!
With reinforced walls and a shiny tin roof,
And traps to make sure it was all Derpy-proof.
With a cobblestone floor and beds stuffed with soft hay,
And a chicken wire fence to keep weirdos away.
It was an awesome place, and her friends both agreed
This clubhouse was perfect for their every need.

And the three fillies sat and planned plans and schemed schemes,
When along came a mailmare, her head full of dreams.
Her mane was spun gold and her coat clean and gray;
Her golden eyes rolled and spun every which way.
There rose a great clatter from the fillies' tin roof,
As the mare stood upon it and stamped her front hoof.
"Apple Bloom, Apple Bloom, give me some mail!"
"I don't have any, Derpy! Get out of my tail!"

"You don't?" Derpy said, with an unhappy frown.
"Then I'll herp, and I'll derp, and I'll plot your house down!"

"Go ahead, try your best, drop your butt on that roof!
But I'm telling you now, I made this one Derp-proof!"

Derpy herped, and she derped, and she plopped down her flank,
But the house didn't budge, not one nail, not one plank.
Again and again Derpy dropped her rear end,
But the earth filly's clubhouse refused to bend.
With a sad sigh, she gave up and then flew away,
Never again to be seen, to this very day.

And though the three fillies still have empty flanks,
The whole town of Ponyville gave them their thanks
But the legend lives on, in this still pony town
Of a mare who wrecks houses by just sitting down
And if on a clear night you listen, you just may
Hear a wall-eyed mailpony and filly say
"Somepony, anypony, give me some mail!"
"I don't have any, Derpy! Get out of my tail!"

Author's Note

Don't ask. Just...don't.