The Janitor

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Comedy, Sunset Shimmer
Length: 8147

Hey there. Name's Discord. I'm the janitor at a high school. I clean up after bratty teenagers and the odd drama queen or two that turns into a demon and wrecks up the school. Ain't my job grand?

Hey there. Name's Discord. I'm the janitor at a high school. I clean up after bratty teenagers and the odd drama queen or two that turns into a demon and wrecks up the school. Ain't my job grand?

Birthday gift to my bro Skeeter The Lurker, a really rad dude everyone should check out!

Awesome art from the greatly talented ManiacPaint, who you should definitely check out for more good art!

Published 2013-09-07 05:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-10 04:33:49 UTC

Chapter 1: He Lurks

“It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday,” a voice sang in an empty, dark gymnasium, their tune out of whack and singing capabilities positively atrocious. “Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend!”

“You’re not actually singing that insufferable song, are you?” another voice, clearly feminine, asked behind the first.

A chuckle could be heard in the dim lighting, followed by a flick of a lightswitch that flooded the gym in bright illumination from the lights overhead.

“Aw, coulda warned me before making things go all bright,” a figure in the middle of the room complained with a snidely grin, belonging to the gruff voice from before. It was a tall and lanky man, white hair and goatee untrimmed and ungroomed for a long while. He was wearing what appeared to be the least costly clothes the thrift store had available. Cheap cargo pants, a grimy jacket and black, longsleeve shirt with the word ‘CHAOS’ printed in white letters on the front.

“Why are you cleaning the gym in the dark anyways?” the woman asked, seeming to be the complete opposite of the man. Graceful, charming, with properly maintained hair of a multispectral variety. Along with that was pink skin with hardly a blemish and an expensive yellow jacket that was free of any wrinkle or stain. “I’m not paying you to goof off, Discord.”

Discord held his hands up in the air in surrenderance. “Hey now, don’t get your panties in a bunch, Celly.”

“First off, do not make comments on my underdrawers,” she said, walking at a brisk pace to the center of the gymnasium to him. “And secondly, you are to address me as Principal Celestia. Understood?”

With a lavish wave of his hand, Discord bowed before her. “My apologies, your highness. How unsophisticated of me to ever address you in such an unrefined manner.”

“Can it with the sarcasm, Discord. I can practically smell it off of you.” Sniffing for a few moments, Celestia gagged and backed up a step. “Actually, why do you smell bad?”

“Oh, you know, the usual stuff after a prom.” Discord lifted his mop up from the floor and dumped it back in the bucket by his side. “Had to redo the drywall of the giant hole in front of the school, paint in the new part, put in a new door and windows, fix that giant, gaping hole out front in the lawn, and clean up after the kiddies had their fun in here.” He kicked a balloon at his foot, staring gloomily at the job ahead of him. “So excuse me if I smell a bit rank after all of that.”

Celestia sighed, rubbing her forehead with a pained expression on her face. “Yeah… sorry about that. Things just got a bit–”

“Chaotic?” Discord asked with a laugh, his golden eyes glowing for a brief moment.

“Not the type you usually do,” Celestia assured him, crossing her arms, unamused.

The mop hit the floor again as Discord continued with his cleaning duty, though doing it with much more fun one would expect. His movements with the mop seemed to be parallel with dancing. One step, then two, moving onto a swing and twist of the body that covered a surprisingly good amount of space in no time flat.

“And what would my type be, Celly?” he asked, sashaying nearer to her with his cleaning appliance dance partner close at his heel.

Biting back a retort at the inappropriate use of her name again, she said, “The type that gets you expelled from school and winding up in prison, if I remember correct.”

“Oh, you know me so well!” Discord laughed, bending his mop down in a swing while staring up at Celestia. “Even after all these years you can still recall the cops storming the school.”

“I was the one who called them in the first place,” Celestia reminded him, backing up a step from the flamboyant janitor. “You had your locker stuffed with drugs. What else was I supposed to do?”

“Oh, I suppose you’re right,” Discord lamented, holding a hand to his head in an over-dramatic pose. “Woe is me for being young, wild and careless with illegal narcotics. Blessed be your name for setting me on the path of goodness with that eye opener.”

Celestia’s lips moved downward into a hardset frown. “Like that did you any good. Word is it that after high school you were a deadbeat most of the time, and prison inmate for the rest of the time.”

Discord smirked, circling Celestia while mopping the floor in a multitasking purpose. “Aw, you have tabs on me. How sweet.” Leaning backward so that his back was parallel with the floor, he saw Celestia upside down and said, “Looks like someone has the hots for me.”

“You’ve been huffing too many paints fumes.”

“Maybe,” Discord agreed, scratching his unruly goatee. “Or maybe you like me. Why else would you give me this job?”

“Because I felt sorry for your pathetically broke ass,” Celestia told him, putting a finger to his forehead and pushing him out of her comfort zone. “You were basically homeless and living off of cat food. It would have been cruel for me to leave you high and dry like that.”

“Hey, don’t knock cat food ‘til you’ve tried it.” Discord ended his jaunt around her, leaning on his mop handle while grinning deviously at her. “And it just touches my cold, black heart that you care so much for me.”

“Well, yeah, we were friends in high school, weren’t we? Even with yours bad habits, that still holds true.”

Discord rested the tip of his chin on the top of his mop handle. “Then do you mind this friend asking you out for coffee sometime?”

Celestia was stunned for several moments, her mouth opening and closing like a floundering fish. “You’re… you’re not serious, are you?”

He shrugged. “Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. Hell, even I don’t know most of the time. Up to you to decide on that.”

“You’d seriously considering going out with me, even after I called the cops on you back in high school?” Celestia asked, arching an eyebrow at him.

Nodding, he said, “Heck, if you weren’t gonna do it, someone else would have. I know you just wanted the best for me. I was selling drugs to other students, and even though juvy didn’t exactly set me straight, you had your best intentions.”

Celestia sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Discord, I just don’t know…”

“About looking bad in front of the kiddies going out with a derelict like me?” he guessed, laughing under his breath as he walked past her. “I thought you’d be like that, as usual. Too uptight for your own good sometimes.”

“Like you’re any better,” she pointed out, arms held out straight at her sides as she blushed slightly.

“I know I’m better looking,” Discord said, turning around and pointing both index fingers at her with a sly wink. “Though you’re looking pretty sexy as well, Principal Celestia. I bet you’d be great as a naughty school teacher.”

Getting redder in the face, she gritted her teeth and replied with, “How many times do I have to remind you to keep your perverted comments to a minimum when on school grounds?”

“Everyday, baby.” Celestia groaned under her breath, only to be cut off by Discord saying, “But you still haven’t given me that answer on the coffee offer.”

Giving Discord a once over with her eyes, her lips pursed as she held a finger to her chin in judgement. “Next time you ask me, dress in something other than rags you picked up on the streets.”

“Hey, gimme credit, Celly,” he chuckled, opening his jacket wide. “Got these rags at the thrift store. Only ninety-nine cents.”

“I’d expect that from you,” she said with a slight smile on her face. Shrugging, she turned around and made her way through the gymnasium floor, avoiding the plethora of half inflated balloons and streamers scattered throughout the room. “I expect this room cleaned up before classes start for the students!” she called over her shoulder.

“You got it, Celly!” Discord shouted after her. Though this time, Celestia didn’t mind the use of the nickname. “Mind turning the lights off on your way out?”

With a flick of the switch, the gymnasium was once more shrouded in darkness. Sloshing the mop head back in the bucket, Discord chuckled. “Pony princesses, demonic teenagers, the magic of friendship, and Celestia going out on a date with me. Guess anything is possible.”

Snapping his fingers, the room was suddenly shined in light, though no one touched the light switch across the room. The gymnasium was spotless, with hardly any indication it had been filled with rambunctious teenagers only a few hours ago.

“Anything at all,” Discord laughed, golden eyes glowing once more as he lifted his bucket with mop to walk out the school.

Author's Note

The story is being continued! Hooray!

Chapter 2: Wise Words... Sort Of

“So, what are ya in for?” Discord asked, leaning back heavily in his desk with both boots kicked up high.

The girl with the fiery hairstyle wearing a black leather jacket crossed her arms and glanced to the right with a frown on her face. “None of your business.”

“Oh, I do believe it is,” Discord chuckled, rubbing his unruly goatee with a devious grin. “I had to clean up your mess after all, Little Miss Sunshine.”

“It’s Sunset,” Sunset Shimmer reminded him, scooting her desk farther away from him. Glaring at the clock, her spirits were dejected to find that her time in the classroom still wasn’t close to being over. “And since you already know the answer, would you mind buzzing off?”

“No can do, girly,” Discord said, swinging his boots off the desk as he leaned on his knees in Sunset’s direction while sitting down. “I got hired for the jig of watching you in detention. So might as well as get used to me.”

“Like that’s possible,” she muttered, slinking lower in her seat. Discord just continued to smile at her, waving in an extremely eerie manner. “And will you cut it out with being such a creep?”

“How’s staring creepy, my dear?” Discord asked, resting his chin on his hand. “I’m just gettin’ a look at the cute little demonic abomination that tore up the front part of the school.”

“Oh.” Sunset bit her lower lip, droplets of sweat running down the sides of her head. “You, uh, know about that?”

“Know, clean, repair, fix up. I did it all.” Discord got up from his seat, stretching out his lean body while sighing in content at the sounds of cracks in his back. “All because of you, of course.”

“Listen, I’m really sorry about that,” Sunset said, not looking him in the eyes. “I was a different person then.”

“A real bitch, eh?” Discord guessed, chuckling mildly under his breath.

“Uh… kinda.” Sunset sighed and laid her head in her arms on the desk. “I was a jerk. I manipulated people, got whatever I wanted, and treated everyone like dirt.”

“Hmmm… that reminds me of a certain someone,” Discord whispered, golden eyes glowing with a dark intent for a quick moment. “But you said you’re different now?”

“Well, I’m trying to be. I mean, I have new friends now to help me out for that.” Sunset looked up from the desk, just to see Discord leaning against one hand on the wall in the front of the classroom. “But I don’t know if I can really change.”

Scratching his head, Discord said, “Well, you don’t really have the best track record so far. Turning into a demonic monster, transforming your fellow students into a brainwashed army of evil, being hellbent on taking over another world using said army… you’re making most mad scientists look bad with the levels of wickedness you’re pulling.”

“That’s all behind me now!” Sunset assured him, resting her chin on her desk with her eyes drooping down. “I’m sure it is. I have new friends now. A new future. I’m not going to repeat my mistakes.”

“Because you learned from them?” Discord snorted, barking out a laugh. “I’ve repeated my mistakes dozens upon hundreds of times, and I never learned any better. It’s how you learn from those mistakes that count. It isn’t about knowing not to do them in the first place.”

Sunset frowned at the apathetic janitor. “Oh really? How do you know what I’m going through?”

“I used to be young once too,” he pointed out, staring at his fingernails with more interest than her. “Though I never pushed my luck so far with taking over another world like you tried. I’m more of the ‘roguish trickster’ variety of badness. Which, I might add, is the coolest ever.” He flicked his ratty jacket outward and winked at her, the effect kind of ruined over the fact that the number of holes his threadbare jacket possessed were too numerous to count.

Sunset arched an eyebrow at Discord’s antics. “Um… yeah… are you high right now?”

“The correct question to ask is when I’m not high,” he replied, lifting a finger upward in the air. “For in this grand world of ours, are we not all high off our asses? From life, stress, happiness, and every other friggin’ emotion on the big ol’ rainbow spectrum that makes up humanity? Are we all not high just by being alive?”

Sunset backed away from Discord by pushing her chair as far away as possible while staying seated. “Yeah, I’m going to take that as a yes.”

Discord turned his back to her and waved his hand in the air over his shoulder. “Fine, don’t take my ramblings with any tact. Not like anyone else does. All I know is that you’re stuck in detention after school for the next two months for damaging school property, and I’m the guy who has to watch you.”

“Can I press sexual charges against you to avoid that?” Sunset asked with a glimmer of hope.

“Nope!” Discord laughed, turning back forward while beaming a wicked smile at her. “But don’t worry, Miss Sunshine. If you don’t want any advice, just say so.”

“Really?”

“Nope!” he answered again, sauntering over to her desk with a hop to his step. “But what you have to realize is that I’m doing this for your own good,” he explained, stopping at her desk and leaning on both arms before her frightened face.

“Uh… why exactly are you trying to help me for my own good?” Sunset asked, leaning on the back legs of her chair away from Discord’s dementedly smiling face.

Rubbing his chin, Discord said, “Because you remind me of a bit of myself at your age. And it’s not just the cool jacket. Good eye for realizing black leather is always stylish.”

“Is there any point to your advice at all?” Sunset crossed her arms and scowled at Discord disappointedly. “Because for the past five minutes you’ve been babbling like a moron.”

“Exactly the point,” Discord said excitedly, holding up a finger for her attention. “What my advice gives is knowhow on how not to act. Basically, you are in the same type of situation as I was when I was younger. Though my problems involved the cops and stripsearching. Yours involve evil magical powers, and probably stripping of some sort in your future if this type of behavior continues. What I’m trying to help you understand is that you still have a chance.”

“A chance at what?” she asked, sick of all the repeated questions with not many answers.

The corners of Discord’s lips rose upward to new levels of creepiness. “A chance at not becoming the janitor of some random high school filled with manipulative drama queens like you.”

Sunset stared at Discord silently for a few moments, then changed her view down at the floor at her boots. “I guess you’re kinda right. I don’t want to be like you when I’m older.”

“True. You couldn’t handle the amount of sexiness someone like me has to go through each day.”

Sunset looked back up, confused that he wasn’t standing in front of her desk like before. Glancing left and right, she glanced backwards to discover Discord leaning on his back in the corner across the room where she was.

“How did you do that?” she asked, unable to comprehend how he managed to move so quickly from his previous position.

Winking and waving at her, he said, “Like I said, you can’t handle this amount of sexiness. With great sexiness, comes great responsibility.”

“... Wait, say what again?” Sunset blurted out, completely lost.

Slapping his hands together, he hopped across the room and slid to a stop before the door leading out of the classroom. “Luckily for you, I’m a pretty irresponsible guy. Ready to take detention to the streets?”

“Seriously?” Sunset said, standing to her feet and making her way to Discord.

“Only if you believe it.” Opening the door, he snapped his fingers for her to hurry up. Smiling at her confused expression at her feet suddenly moving faster not due to her own movements, he said, “Now, let’s get going. I have a date I’d rather not miss.”

Chapter 3: Quite Impressive

“You ready for this?” Discord asked his companion.

“Isn’t this your date?” Sunset Shimmer pointed out, crossing her arms and tapping her foot against the sidewalk. “What do you need me here for?”

“So I don’t get in trouble for not keeping an eye on you,” Discord reminded her. “Once it’s five o’clock, you can buzz off. In the meantime, stick with me.”

Rolling her eyes, Sunset said, “And what exactly are we going to go for your date?”

“The thrift store.”

“So… you’re taking a girl to the thrift store.” Sunset groaned under her breath and facepalmed. “Yeah, that’s surely going to be romantic. Who are you going out with, a hooker?”

“Hey now, that’s no way to talk about your principal,” Discord tutted, entering through the thrift store doors with a swagger to his step. “And potentially your mother if I am so inclined and she looks presentable enough to me.”

“Wait… you’re going out with Principal Celestia?” Sunset asked, complete awe in her voice as she followed him in. “But she’s… and you’re… what? This is just too unbelievable to be true.”

“Oh it is,” Discord assured her, hands on his hips as he inspected the assembly of used and extremely cheap clothes before him. The smell of old and worn out and mildew surrounded him, the scent familiar and comforting. For Sunset, it just smelled like the inside of a retirement home. “Kinda. She said I can ask her out next time if I wore something more presentable.”

“So you took me out of detention for a date you don’t even have?” Sunset asked angrily, arms straight at her sides as she frowned deeply at the mad janitor.

“A date I don’t have yet!” he reminded her, patting her head just to egg her on. “Besides, don’t you kids hate detention? You should be thanking me.”

“What about if I get expelled or something for ditching school with you?” Sunset pointed out, slapping his hand away from her hair. “Or if you get fired?”

“Aww, you do care about me!”

“That’s not what I meant!” Sunset shouted at him, but Discord simply waved his hand at her as he went off deeper into the store. Groaning, she stomped after him and asked, “Are you even listening to me?”

“Of course I am!” Discord turned back to her, a flamboyant hat of multiple colors and luxurious feathers atop his head. “I listen to your opinions. Such as your opinion on this hat?”

“It’s… colorful,” Sunset said squeamishly, grimacing at the ridiculous piece of headwear. “You’re not seriously gonna wear that, right?”

“But shit, it’s only ninety-nine cents,” Discord said, tugging at the price tag hanging from the hat. “How can I give up a sweet deal like that?”

“By having taste, of course.” Sunset inspected the clothes hanging on the aisles at her side, glancing over them for something more appropriate than what Discord chose. “How much money do you have to spend?”

“What’s one divided by zero?”

“Um… nothing, I think.” Sunset shrugged. “Doesn’t it make the universe explode or something?”

“Theoretically and magically, of course,” Discord agreed, putting his arm over Sunset’s shoulder and bringing her in close to whisper in her ear. “But basically, I ain’t got jack shit. Spot me a fiver?”

“I am not going to spend money on you!” Sunset said, pushing him off and grimacing at his rank body stench. “It’s not my problem you spend all your cash on porn or drugs or whatever the hell you buy.”

“Pfft, like I’d spend money on porn,” Discord laughed, going through a hanger containing several coats. “Especially considering all the free shit you can find at the computers back at the school. Took me forever, but I finally got the porn blockers down.” Pulling out a leopard skin coat, he smiled and asked, “How would this look on me?”

“It’d make you look like an unfashionable thug,” Sunset sighed. “Or a really poor pimp. Don’t you know what girls like?”

Discord dusted off the coat, shrugging it on while adjusting his feathery hat. “They like confident ladykillers who have tons of money and swag.”

“See, there’s your problem,” Sunset said, tugging at his horribly furry coat with distaste. “You don’t have a ton of cash, you definitely aren’t a ladykiller, and that last thing isn’t even real.”

“Are you saying television and the radio has lied to me once again?”

Sunset nodded, having to fight off the urge to repeatedly slam her head against a wall. “Yeah.”

“Damnit!” Discord shouted, throwing his hat on the floor and stomping it under his heel. “Now what am I gonna do to get into Celestia’s pants?”

“Ewwwww,” Sunset gagged, the thought of Discord and the Principal being together making her brain retch. Holding back vomit, she muttered, “If you really want to impress Principal Celestia, just ask me. I’m an actual girl, so I’d have a better time at making you look somewhat presentable.”

“Great!” Discord said, grabbing her by the shoulder and dragging her deeper in the store. “You’re buying!”

“I did not agree to that!”

“Do you want to go back to the school and do algebra equations instead?”

“... I’m not spending more than five bucks,” Sunset sighed.

“Damn, I look fine.”

“I do think believe a ‘thank you’ is in order,” Sunset said, glancing up at the new and slightly improved Discord.

“No apologies necessary. You’re just young and naive.” Peering closer into the window of the coffee shop, Discord slicked back his greasy hair and smoothed out his unruly beard. Leaning back, he checked to make sure he was ready. Button up blue shirt with with only a few stains, black jacket that itched like crazy, and blue jeans that had so many holes you couldn’t tell if that was just from wear or intentional from the designer.

“Fine, whatever,” Sunset said, holding back a curse. Looking in through the window, she spotted her Principal alone at a coffee table in the center of the room. “So you’re just going to drop in unannounced for a date she didn’t even agree to have with you?”

“Now Sunshine, you wound me. My plan is more sophisticated than that,” Discord replied, walking up to the door and grabbing ahold of the handle. Glancing back at her, he flashed her a devious grin. “I never drop in unannounced.”

Sunset looked nervously into the crowded coffee shop. “Please tell me you’re not going to do something stupid.”

“Just follow my lead,” he whispered to her, throwing the doors up with a well placed kick. Jumping through the entrance and into the shop, Discord spread his arms out wide and shouted, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD EVENING CAFE!"

Sunset facepalmed.

Chapter 4: An Actual Goal Is In The Works

Everyone in the cafe immediately turned around to stare at the strange man who had just barged into the cafe in such an unruly manner. Only two people weren’t staring directly at Discord. Sunset, who was still in mid-facepalm, and Celestia, who was quickly joining her.

“Oh please, please, please don’t say my name,” Celestia muttered under her breath.

“Hey, Celly, there you are!” Discord called out, waving his hand frantically at her.

Celestia groaned and slammed her forehead on the table. “Please don’t come to my table.”

“I’m here for our date!” Discord skipped over to Celestia’s table, jumping atop several others to land in a spin on the chair opposite her. Kicking his feet up on the table and winking at her while leaning back in his chair, Discord said, “I hope my attire is adequate for dating qualifications.”

Looking up, Celestia raised a brow as she inspected his look. “Well, you managed to look somewhat presentable. Like washing the mud off of a totaled car presentable, but still, not bad.”

“And once again, Discord does good.” Discord chuckled under his breath, brushing his knuckles on his shirt with a smug grin on his face. “And you look fiiine as ever, Tia. Why, I do believe—”

“Ugh, you two are going to make me vomit,” Sunset gagged, leaning on one hand against Discord’s chair.

“Then you know how I feel whenever I see your face,” Discord whispered to her through his teeth.

“Um, Discord, why is one of my students here?” Celestia asked, crossing her arms with a deep-set frown planted clearly on her face. “One that should be in detention, I might add.”

“Technically, it’s five right now, which means no more detention,” Discord pointed out.

“Technically, you screwed up, which means your date is going to chew your ass out,” Sunset laughed.

Turning to Sunset, Discord brushed his hand at her and said, “Shoo, shoo, harpy, and never return from your den of vileness! Go find a cute boy or something and suck out his soul and wallet!”

“Quiet, both of you are causing a scene!” Celestia said sternly.

“Fine, since you’re the student, you’ll get the adults some coffees,” Discord said to Sunset. “I’ll have a double shot mochachino, no caffeine, with two teaspoons of soybean milk, not that two-percent crap. Make sure it’s at four hundred degrees on the mark, extra foam, then get rid of a third of that foam because I don’t want too much extra. Then exactly three packets of sugar, but make sure a fourth out of each packet doesn’t get included so I don’t get too hype. When you’re done with that, triple shot caramel cream, one shot peppermint, add some chocolate sprinkles if you can, I wouldn’t mind some nutmeg either, and for the love of everything that is holy, don’t forget the pumpkin frappe added halfway through the cycle or else it’ll be ruined!” Staring at Celestia out of the corner of his eyes, Discord asked, “And Tia will have straight up black coffee, right?”

Sunset glared at Discord with a pouted face, but eventually rolled her eyes and sighed, leaving the two alone.

Resting his hands behind his neck, Discord chuckled. “You gotta admit, I have a hand with kids.”

“Yes, well, I’d appreciate that hand staying at the school when I specifically wanted them to watch said kids in detention,” Celestia said with a deadpan expression.

“Wait, my hands have eyes now?” Discord looked at his palms with wide eyes. “No way!”

Celestia groaned. “Seriously, Discord, can you cut it out with the sarcastic remarks.”

“Well, there goes half of my dialogue options,” Discord joked. “What next, my innuendo remarks go away as well? I’d be forced to keep quiet forever then!”

“That would sure beat the hell out of this,” Celestia said truthfully.

“Oh, come now, Celly, you know you love me.” Discord leaned over the table and pointed a finger at her face. “Remember back in school during that football rally? You couldn’t keep your hands off me.”

Celestia gritted her teeth and slapped Discord’s finger out of her face. “If I remember that right, it was Luna who couldn’t keep her hands off you.”

Discord’s mouth opened, then his jaw went slack as he snapped his fingers. “Oh yeah… that would explain a lot, actually.”

“Yeah, it does.” Picking up her purse from the table’s edge, Celestia asked, “So, are we done here? I have some errands to run before I’m heading home.”

“Ooh, I can help you with that!” Discord said, leaping out of his seat. Appearing at Celestia’s side in a flash, he bumped elbows with her and said seductively, “Especially with the ‘heading home’ part.”

Celestia pushed Discord away with a properly placed elbow to his side. “You haven’t changed a bit, have you, Discord?”

Discord caught himself from falling using the chair, a loud ooph leaving his lungs at the painful dig on his side Celestia did. “I’d like to believe prison changed me. Well, in the toughening up way, not the… well, you know.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean you haven’t changed one bit since high school. You’re like some old jock still living the dream of his stardom days, except you were never a jock and you never had any stardom days to begin with.”

“Um, excuse me, I’ve changed plenty.” Discord popped his collar out and smoothed his jacket. “As you can see, I can accessorize with the best of them now.”

“Discord, a new fashion sense doesn’t change you. Growing up does,” Celestia stated, turning her back to him. “You’re still the loud-mouth punk in high school, Discord.”

“But that’s the best part about me!”

“No, Discord, that’s the annoying part about you.” Sighing, Celestia stared at him over her shoulder. “Discord, you can be funny, caring, considerate and once in a blue moon even nice. But until you change yourself to try and be those things more, I just can’t date you.”

“There are small miracles in this world after all,” Sunset said in glee, arriving behind Discord with his coffee.

“Shut it, harpy,” Discord muttered quickly. Running so that he was in front of Celestia, he said, “Wait, Celly, I can seriously change! I can make it so you would hardly recognize me by tomorrow!”

“Another makeover just isn’t going to cut it, Discord,” Celestia replied quickly.

“What? No, I could never afford that anyhow.” Discord clapped Celestia on the shoulder and pointed a thumb at himself, grinning earnestly as always. “I can guarantee in no time flat that I can change and be the Prince Charming of your dreams.”

Staring at Discord with a pout on her lips, Celestia conceded and shrugged. “Well, I guess giving you the chance wouldn’t hurt… that much.”

“That’s the community college spirit!” Discord said with glee. “I bet you won’t regret it!”

Celestia brushed his hand off her shoulder and rolled her eyes with a small smile on her cheeks. “We’ll see.”

As Celestia departed, Discord sneaked a glance at her passing posterior before she exited the cafe. “Indeed we will.”

“So, how was the date?” Sunset asked, slinking to Discord’s side.

“She technically didn’t say no about a second one,” Discord said, holding up two fingers. “So I am guessing this one was an astounding success."

“You sure are going to an awful lot of trouble just to get laid, aren’t you?” Sunset asked, holding up Discord’s coffee to him.

Snatching it from her hand, Discord shrugged. “It’s not about the trouble, it’s about the message.”

“And that message is you and Principal Celestia doing…” Sunset turned green and shook her head in disgust. “Oh man, I definitely walked into that one.”

“While as nice as that image is to me in the privacy of my own home with the blinds drawn shut and all the doors closed and locked, no. The message will be that I can change.”

“For the Principal?” Sunset guessed.

Discord smiled. “Sure, let’s go with that.” Sipping his coffee, Discord immediately spit it out, right on the hem of Sunset’s dress. “I said no two-percent! You lied to me!”

“My dress!” Sunset cried out.

“My tastebuds!” Discord shouted with more intensity, falling to his knees and shaking his fist at the ceiling. “They will never be redeemed from the vileness of the two-percent! Never!”

Sunset looked around at the intrigued and occasional shocked faces staring at the pair. Sighing while putting her hands on her side, she shook her head sadly at the spectacle Discord was throwing. “You have a long way to go. And seeing how I still have detention indefinitely, I’m going to have to help you.” Closing her eyes and gulping hard, she muttered, “Just my luck.”

Chapter 5: School Day

Sunset Shimmer fiddled with her locker. It was the same combination she’d used dozens of times over, but today, it just wasn’t working. Just like every other day because the damn thing was a hunk of junk, which Sunset pointed out by kicking it repeatedly with her foot.

“Just. Open. Up. For. Once,” she shouted with each kick. No luck with the locker, since it still remained locked shut, mocking her wordlessly. And no amount of dents would shut its mouth.

“Someone frustrated?” a familiar yet still creepy as hell voice said behind her.

“What do you think, Discord?” Sunset whispered under her breath.

“Well, telling from your aggression, failure to complete a simple task, and supreme ‘bitchy’ attitude today, I could only guess…” Discord tapped his chin for several moments, until his face brightened up with just a snap, “You’re on your period, right?”

Finally, the locker managed to open, right in Discord’s face at that. Sunset made sure to put a bit more muscle into it than necessary, but for the given circumstances it probably was.

“So, what was that again, Discord?”

“Oh god, I can’t feel my frickin nose.”

“Ooh, it looks like it’s bleeding.” Sunset reached into her locker and threw a few tissues in Discord’s direction. The custodian of immaturity was currently kneeling on the floor, crying silently. “Better wipe that up. And please, stop with the crying. It’s like you’re PMSing right now.”

Finally, after a few more tears, Discord got up, both his nostrils stuffed with tissue and his dignity in there with them.

“Well, now that you’re in a more chipper mood, how’s the plan going?”

Sunset pulled out a biology textbook. “What plan?”

Discord’s face consorted in rage, then immediately pain, then rage again, until the two mixed into a boiling stew of rage-painful emotions. “What? What plan? The plan! The plan we talked about yesterday. The plan we talked about yesterday to hook me up with your principal. The plan we talked about yesterday to hook me up with your principal, Celestia, and make her fall madly in love with me. That plan.”

Sunset closed her locker, glancing at Discord’s bruised and bloody-nose face. “Oh, right, that plan. Don’t worry, I have everything under control.”

“Hitting me in the face with a locker isn’t under control!”

A flicker of a smile passed over Sunset’s face. “No, but it was funny. Plus, you kinda deserve it.”

Discord followed in her wake, grumbling under his breath while he shoved his hands into his ratty pockets. “And you deserve to be shoved off a cliff.”

“Well now, that isn’t the right attitude for the girl about to get you the woman of your dreams.”

“The woman of my dreams has much bigger tits.”

“Wow, shallow.” Sunset rolled her eyes. “Why am I not surprised?”

“Wait a second… is that a rhetorical question?”

“No, of course it isn’t.”

Discord snapped his fingers and increased his pace, stopping Sunset in her tracks by blocking her way. “Okay, I know for a fact that that was sarcasm. Don’t think because I’m older doesn’t mean I don’t understand it.”

Sunset sighed, the air blown out of her lips lifting up the front locks of her hair for but a moment. “No, no, no, no, nooooo, of course I know that, Discord. Why shouldn’t I?”

“I used to be young too, y’know. Hip as well. I’d get jiggy with it all the time, I’ll tell you what.” Discord splayed out some jazz-hands and grinned deviously at Sunset… which just came out as pathetic and creepy from her point of view. “I was once the most popular guy at this school.”

“Principal Celestia said you were a drug addict.”

“It was the Nineties. Basically the same thing.”

Sunset sidestepped past Discord and continued on her way, still unable to shake Discord off her tail. “Listen, Discord, I have a plan for you, but it isn’t ready yet.”

“Isn’t ready yet? Oh, come on!” Discord whined, even more pathetic than usual. “We already did the shopping trip! That should have been enough for my wallet!”

“I was the one that paid for it!”

“Well, obviously that should be reason enough to not do it again!”

Sunset groaned under her breath, but steeled herself from smacking Discord upside the head with her book. It was awfully tempting, though. Just to hit him right across the face…

“Ow!” Discord was kneeling on the floor again, his face even redder from abuse than before. “Shit, what the hell? Are you sure you’re not—”

Sunset raised her book up again, poised to strike.

“—the most delightful student I’ve ever seen?” Discord grinned, flinching like an abused puppy when Sunset lowered her book. “Oh god not the face again.”

“Discord. Discord, listen to me. Stop crying.” Sunset snapped her fingers, catching his attention like… an abused puppy. Again. “I’m gonna help you. Why… I have no idea. Mostly out of pity. Like throwing a fiver at a hobo.”

“Pfft, I’ve done the hobo stint before. Ain’t no fivers there.”

“Whatever. The point is that help is on the way. Probably during lunch though.”

“Lunch?” Discord wallowed further into despair, which currently at the rate he was going would turn out to be a new record. “I don’t even have a lunch! The teachers won’t let me back into the teacher’s lounge! Probably on account of all the stolen lunches. Which, I might add, is not my fault.” Discord leaned in and whispered, “It’s discrimination I tells ya.”

Sunset arched a brow. “Against former junkies and criminals?”

“Yeah, exactly!”

“Fine, fine, whatever. During lunch, meet up with me and I’ll give you some food.”

“Like a pudding snackpack?”

Sunset frowned. “No.”

Discord frowned even harder. “But—”

“You’ll get a banana if you’re lucky. Now, clean up the blood and try to look less… you, before lunch. I don’t want the others to think you’re a creep.”

“What was that?” Discord asked, wiping most of the bloody snot off his nose using the arm of his jacket.

“Just… just show up during lunch. A top crew of professionals shall assist me in making you less… Discord.” Sunset backed away slowly, then finally started walking at a faster pace once out of Discord’s vicinity. “Also, put on deodorant!”

“Deodorant?” Discord walked back to his cart of cleaning supplies, then picked up a spray bottle and read the label: “Huh, mold and mildew remover…” Discord shrugged, then stuck the spray bottle up his shirt. “Yeah, this should do the tri—OH GOD IT BURNS!”

Author's Note

Yeah bitches it's back.

Chapter 6: The Cafeteria

“Wait, so lemme get this straight,” Applejack began. “Ya want us—all of us—to help Discord win over Principal Celestia?”

Sunset Shimmer sipped her chocolate milk for several seconds—around seven in all—then finally nodded her head. “Basically, yeah.”

The girls all shared surprised expressions—all except Rainbow Dash, who was browsing on her phone with her headphones in and was pretty much oblivious to the world. They were isolated enough at their cafeteria table for no one else to hear, but still they all huddled together and kept their voices low.

“Why is Discord trying to win over the Principal anyway?” Rarity asked. She shuddered slightly, visibly cringing as well. “I mean, have you even seen him? I don’t think he even bathes, much less exfoliates his hair. In fact, I don’t think he knows what conditioner is!”

“Rarity, you just can’t judge Discord like that,” Fluttershy said, putting on her best chiding face.

“I’m not judging him,” Rarity began, skipping a beat. “I’m just using basic facts, first of which is that he smells bad and has hair greasy enough to… to…” Rarity snapped her fingers and glanced at Pinkie Pie, “Pinkie, can you supply us with a sufficient comical metaphor I was looking for?”

Pinkie rubbed her chin and hummed under her breath. “Let’s see… french fries… nah, had those last week. Tacos? Who ever deep-fries those? Maybe chimichangas… oh wait, I got it!” Pinkie said with a snap of her fingers. “Chicken wings!”

Rainbow Dash nearly fell out of her seat, desperately attempting to cling to the table before she landed on the floor. With her phone discarded and headphones now removed, she asked with a devote desperation, “Whoa, did someone mention chicken wings? Sweet! I thought today was casserole day for lunch.”

“No, we ain’t, suge,” Applejack said, a sigh almost escaping her lips. “We were discussin’ ‘bout helpin’ Discord get… well, get lucky with our Principal.”

Dash’s face scrunched up into a cringe that was worthy of the ages. “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.” She paused, then frowned. “Also, super duper lame, Sunset. You got us all together during lunchtime for that? You could have just texted us so we could all just say no and save you some of the hassle.”

“Actually, I’m eager to help,” Fluttershy said. She was quick to hide meekly behind a lock of her hair when Dash glowered at her. “I-I mean… well… don’t you want Discord and Principal Celestia to be happy?”

“Principal Celestia is already plenty happy without some slackjaw moron like Discord around her doing… stuff.” Rainbow Dash shuddered. “Ugh, seriously, guys, why are we seriously even still discussing this?”

Pinkie raised her hand up expectantly, jumping in her seat before Dash rubbed the bridge of her nose and muttered, “Pinkie, we’re not in class anymore, you don’t have to raise your hand.”

“Because Sunset asked us to help and that’s what friends do!” Pinkie responded immediately. “Oh, also, can I go to the bathroom?”

“Did you not just hear what I said just five seconds ago?”

“Pinkie, we’re not in class anymore, you don’t have to raise your hand,” Pinkie replied. She beamed a smile while Dash sunk her head down to her chest.

“Just… just go.”

“Yippy!”

As Pinkie departed, while Applejack strummed her fingers against the table and hummed under her breath for a few minutes in deep contemplation. Rarity was contemplating what color to change her nails to to fit in best with the current season’s trends. Fluttershy was attempting to avoid eye-contact with Rainbow Dash, who was back on her phone but with a much more disgruntled look on her face than last time.

Eventually, the awkward silence hanging in the air was enough for Sunset to rise out of her seat and proclaim, “Oh, come on, girls, what’s the matter with you all? Are you all PMSing today, or is this just how you normally act?”

Somewhere far away on the other end of the school fast approaching the cafeteria stopped Discord right in the middle of his tracks. Cocking his head to the side, he rubbed his greasy goatee and muttered, “Huh… for some reason, I feel a great sense of pride all of the sudden. That, or just indigestion.” He burped a great belch that causes several passing students to turn away in disgust and visible horror. “Wait, no, just the indigestion.”

Back at the cafeteria the table was reduced to shock, furious blushes, and in Fluttershy’s case, looking down at the floor in utter shame.

Sunset sighed and slid back into her seat, rubbing her temples as a frown creased her forehead. “Listen, girls, I’m… ugh.” Sunset waved her hand exasperatedly through the air. “I just don’t know what to do at this point. I promised Discord I’d help him out since he’s… well, kinda pathetic, but also kinda an okay guy as well. He seems to genuinely like Celestia… I’m pretty sure. And I’m also pretty sure they used to have a thing in the past before things turned sour. And maybe, who knows, they’ll be happy with one another. But to do that, Discord needs some serious help. Maybe…” Sunset shrugged, tugging dismissively at a lock of her hair. “Maybe a friend or two? I mean, I definitely could have used one not too long ago.”

“Wait, so, lemme see if I’m gettin’ this right,” Applejack said. “Ya want all us to be Discord’s friend ‘cause you feel sorry fer him since you were no better than he was a few weeks ago?”

“She was certainly better dressed and smelled more tolerable, I can tell you that much,” Rarity said under her breath, still lost in contemplation over her nails. She looked up to see all her friends staring at her with disgruntled frowns etched on all their faces. “What?”

“Listen, all we need to do is make Discord look more presentable,” Sunset said. “Make him appear less of a Discord than he already does. Or at least attempt to make him seem like an okay guy.”

“Pfft.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Something to add, Rainbow Dash?”

“Oh, no, nothing,” Dash said, raising her hands. “Seems like the perfect plan. No way it could ever possibly fail. Nope. No way, no how.”

“Y’know, more encouragement would be better appreciated than sarcasm,” Sunset said.

“Oh whoops, my bad.” Dash winked. “Toning down the sarcasm as we speak.” Clearing her throat, Dash said, “I think this plan is awful and not even worth trying since it will obviously fail.”

“Dash!” Applejack snapped at her.

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “What? You guys have seen Discord before. I had the misfortune of talking with him before when I had to help him get his arm unstuck from the vending machine… again, mind you. He’s altogether not what any girl would consider a catch.”

“Oh, I’dunno. I mean, well… there’s something a bit, uh, appealing… about him,” Fluttershy said so low almost no one could hear her words. Well, except for Rainbow Dash that is.

“Oh, come on, Fluttershy, you can’t seriously find anything endearing about him! Discord is smelly, trashy, rude, dirty, and an all around…” Rainbow Dash paused, and then her eyes grew wide while Fluttershy just attempted to grow smaller beneath her gaze. “Oh man… it all makes sense now. Fluttershy and Celestia are into bad boys!”

“That would explain a lot…” Rarity said.

“It explains a lotta things I’d rather not know,” Applejack added.

“Why do I even open my mouth?” Fluttershy questioned herself.

Sunset snapped her fingers to catch the undoubtedly short attention span of the group. “Okay, girls, we’ll antagonize Fluttershy for her bad romantic choices later. Right now, I need to know if I have your support.”

“If it means he doesn’t smell like he’s stepped out of a dumpster every morning, sure, I’m in,” Rarity said.

Applejack sighed and tipped her hat back, blowing some of her blonde locks out of her face. “Fine, I reckin’ I’m on this too. If I can teach ‘em not to be such a jerk all the time, hey, all the better.”

Fluttershy remained silent for a couple of moments, then glanced away from the group and whispered, “Sure… but not because he’s a bad boy, okay?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say,” Dash said while repeatedly bumping her elbow in Fluttershy’s side. “And yeah, I guess you can count me in too. It’d be funny to see how bad he fails, to say the least.”

“Great! Discord should be here any minute. Glad we all agreed on this.” Sunset glanced back to the empty seat between Rarity and Fluttershy. “You girls know when Pinkie is going to arrive?”

“Pull harder!” Discord demanded.

“It’s still stuck!”

“Use you back! Your back! Come on, that should be obvious!”

Pinkie stopped from a moment of the backbreaking strain of tugging on Discord’s shoulder to ask, “Wait, how’d you get your arm stuck in the vending machine in the first place?”

Discord started sweating, but kept his grip on his hotpocket treasure all the same. “No time to explain, just pull! Pull like your life depended on it! PUUUUUUULL!”