The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga

by Justice3442

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 663661

Pinkie Pie finds herself adjusting to a new, hostile world, with a new hostile friend. Can they make it through this new misadventure together, or is it the universe that needs to watch out for them?

A former pink pony finds herself in a new, hostile world and a new friend who's perhaps even more hostile. A small, angry man finds himself with a new friend he didn't want. Can they make it through this new misadventure together, or is it the universe that needs to watch out for them?

Cover art used with permission from Technaro.

Published 2013-09-11 05:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2024-09-10 21:01:33 UTC

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 1 Dan Vs. Mugger

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 1 Pinkie Vs. Van NuysChapter 1 Dan Vs. Mugger-oooooo-

The large man turned back to his prey briefly. “Stay there,” he commanded.

Pinkie wasn’t sure if she was up to getting very far on her new legs. Anyhow, part of her wanted to see how this played out.

“Listen, buddy,” The large man walked within inches of the smaller, angry man and stood tall just to help point out he stood a good foot or more taller than his opponent,  “I think you better move on. This ain’t your business.”

The shorter man grinned. “And I think you better stop, drop and, roll, pal.”

The smell of burning fabric caught the large man’s attention as he looked down to see a hip flask that had some of its contents spilled onto him, a lighter which had IGNITED said contents, and the important fact that his clothing was, in fact, on fire.

His tough guy act evaporated in an instant as his voice gave way to panicked screaming and flailing at his fiery clothing.

“Listen, buddy. Maybe you didn’t hear me, I said STOP..” The angry man threw a right hook that caught the large, failing man right on the jaw. “..DROP..” He followed with a well-placed kick to the man’s knee that caused him to lose his footing and hit the ground hard. “..And ROLL!” The angry man launched a flurry of kicks to the larger man’s gut. The would-be mugger dropped a small box from his pocket and fled into the street, a run cut short by a blue sedan rounding the corner and slamming into him.

The driver’s door flew open, and a tall, lanky, man in flip-flops, khakis, and an unbuttoned orange shirt over a blue shirt quickly emerged. “Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH! Don’t tell me I hit another cyclist!”

“Niiiiiiice assist, Chris!” the man in the ‘JERK’ t-shirt called at the driver.

“Dan, I can’t keep going out with you like this if it means vehicular manslaughter.”

“Relax, Chris,” Dan responded, putting his arm around his much larger friend and pointing an assertive finger at him. “You just took out a mugger fleeing the scene of an attempted crime. We’re pretty much heroes here.”

Chris expression visibly brightened. “Really?”

Pinkie just stared at the scene, her brain trying desperately to catch up with what she just witnessed.

“Hey, he dropped loot.” Dan bent down to pick up the small box the man left. He opened it up to reveal a handful of small cylindrical objects.

“Dan, you don’t smoke. In fact, you lecture on and on about how cigarettes are just a tool to keep”--Chris raised his hands for some air quotes--“‘the moron population down’.”

“Listen, if you defeat someone, you’re supposed to eat their heart to absorb their power, and since I’m not a cannibal…”

Dan put one of the cigarettes to his mouth and lit the tip with his golden zippo lighter. As the small flame lit his face against the gloom of the rainy night, Pinkie couldn't help but think to herself that Dan looked pretty cool.

Dan took a puff and his face went green as he let loose a hacking cough that brought him to his knees.  Pinkie stumbled over to help him up as Dan tossed the cigarette angrily on the ground. “HE TRIED TO POISON ME!” Dan leaned on Pinkie as he delivered a few well-placed kicks into the large man’s gut who softly grunted in reply.

“Dan, you lit the wrong end,” Chris replied flatly.

Dan regained his footing. “CHRIS, WHY DID YOU LET ME SMOKE THIS!? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!”

Chris rolled his eyes. Before Dan could continue his tirade, a high pitched voice interrupted his vitriol.

“THAT WAS AAAAMAAAAAZING!” Pinkie Pie threw her arms around Dan’s neck and embraced him tightly, “THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUSOMUCH!” She stood a good few inches above the rather short man, and he found her grip surprisingly strong.

Dan’s face turned red as he struggled to breathe. “Chris, help! This girl is obviously part of some dastardly trap to kill me!”

“I’m pretty sure she’s just thanking you.”

Pinkie’s grip loosened.

“That’s EXACTLY what she WANTS you to think,” Dan said leveling an accusing finger at Chris.

“And thank YOU, too!” Pinkie threw her arms around Chris’s torso, and he smiled, enjoying the very rare occasion of one of Dan’s revenge schemes doing some good for a change.

“Great, we’re thanked. Can you move along? We’re kinda busy…”

“Ohmygosh, OHMYGOSH that guy was all gonna grab me, and then fwoosh!” Pinkie spread her hands out and wiggled her new fingers to simulate fire. “Then you were like pow,” Pinkie threw a punch in the air for effect, “right in his face! And then snap,” Pinkie kicked her leg out, “Right to the knee, and-WHAAA.” Pinkie lost her footing and fell strait to the ground.

Chris and Dan watched this display with very different expressions. Chris had a blank look focused on the girl, while Dan looked increasingly annoyed.

As quickly as she had fallen, Pinkie stood back up. “I’m ooookaaaay!” she assured.

“Dan, did you set that man on fire?”

Dan giggled to himself. “Heheh, yeah…”

“Since when do you carry a hip flask?” Chris asked pointing to the flask that Dan had shoved back into his pocket.

“Since I needed some fuel on me to quickly start fires! Keep up, will you?”

“Don’t tell me there’s gasoline in that thing.”

“What am I, psychotic?”

Chris opened his mouth to answer, than thought better of it.

“It’s Everclear.” Dan turned to face Pinkie. “Well it’s been weird, erm…”

“Oh my gosh! I’m being sooo rude! My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie! But you can call me Pinkie!” Pinkie smiled from ear to ear.

“Riiiiight…” Dan leaned in closer to Chris and moved his hand in close so only Chris could hear: “What kind of stupid name is that?”

Chris ignored Dan and extended his hand. “Hi! I’m Chris.”

Pinkie tentatively extended her hand, looked at it, then grabbed Chris’s hand and gave it a vigorous shake.

“Daaan, would you like to introduce yourself to the nice la-OW!” Chris yelped as Dan threw a quick punch into his arm.

“You talk to me like a child, I punchy you!”

Pinkie giggled. “Dan, was it?” Pinkie extended her hand.

Dan looked down at her hand, glared, and spat in it.

“DAN! That is not how we make friends!”

“WHAT DID I JU…” much to both Chris’s and Dan’s surprise, Pinkie then spat in her own hand and quickly reached for Dan’s and gave it a good shake.

“Does this mean we’re extra, SUPER, special friends!?” she said with a smile.

“Eww! Gross! Unsanitary! UNHAND ME, WENCH!” Dan yelled as he tried to pry his hand free of Pinkie's very moist grasp.

The signs of a smile quickly entered into Chris’s face and gave way to uproarious laughter.

Dan whirled around to face Chris. “And you! Stop encouraging her!”

Pinkie giggled. “You two are really funny.”

Dan glared at her. “Well Pinkie,” Dan said, his voice laced with venom, “it’s been weird and gross, but we need to get going, and…”

“Go? Go…right…” Pinkie started to pout, looked down, and played with her skirt hem absent mindedly as rain pelted her.

Dan just glared, not sure how to react.

Chris broke the silence, “Hey, Pinkie. How about I give you a ride somewhere?”

Pinkie’s eyes lit up “Really, really?! That would be amazing!”

“WHAT?! No way! Uh-uh there’s no way that...” Dan quickly found a hand covering his mouth as Chris dragged him off to the side.

“Ouch!” Chris pulled his hand away and gave it a shake. “You bit me!”

“That’s what you get for manhandling me, you ape. And before you say something, no, she is NOT coming with us.”

“Okay, first: it’s my car; if I want to give her a ride, I will.”

“TREACHERY! THIS WILL NOT STAND!”

“Second: For once after dozens, if not hundreds, of schemes, I actually feel really good about what happened. And you’re not going to take that away from me.”

Dan went silent, folded his arms and looked to the side.

“Third: I can’t in good conscience just leave her to wander the streets of Van Nuys to be picked up by the next mugger-potential rapist that happens upon her.”

Dan attempted another tactic, whining to get his way, “But she’s all huggy, and loud, and icky…”

“Fourth: it’s pouring rain and I don’t want to be out here getting drenched as we put out your stupid flyers.”

“The noble war on the apostrophe must continue!”

“Can’t it wait ‘till its daylight and not pouring rain?”

Dan mumbled a few obscenities under his breath and answered, “Fine, but let me finish up here.”

Chris smiled and waved to Pinkie as Dan approached her.

“SO! What are we going to do first?! Huh? Huh? Oh, I just know we’re going to be the bestest of friends for ever, and EVER, and…”

“You talk too much,” Dan said coldly.

“Oh, I’m sorry! I know I tend to ramble, and it annoys some ponies, and I should really learn…”

Dan raised an eyebrow at 'ponies'. “You’re in my way, pink girl,” he answered in lieu of addressing the strange turn of phrase.

 “Oh, I…” Pinkie shifted over allowing Dan to approach the pole she had been standing in front of.

Dan pulled out a now rather crinkled sheet of paper and a staple gun and affixed it to the pole. He smiled, admiring his handy work.

“So, ummm…Dan….”

Dan turned to face Pinkie and moved his face within inches of hers, causing Pinkie to shift back a half step. “I don’t like you.”

“Oh well, I’m surewhen you get to know me we’ll be great friends,” Pinkie insisted with an anxious smile.

“I already have ONE minion.” Dan motioned to Chris who had entered the car “I don’t need another.”

Dan kept walking.

“ONE minio…I mean friend?!No WAY! I can never have enough friends!”

Dan turned on his heels. “LISTEN! I’m sure this shtick tricks plenty of other saps, but…”

Dan was interrupted by a horn honking.

“Dan! Leave the poor girl alone! We need to get her out of the rain.”

“GAHHHH!” Dan yelled in frustration and trudged towards to the car.

Pinkie grabbed her bag and simply stood around looking pensive.

Before Chris could react, Dan poured the rest of his Everclear onto the unconscious man.

“Oh dear,” Chris uttered as Dan gleefully sparked his lighter and set the unconscious man on fire... again. The recently motionless man suddenly woke up, screaming in pain. He fled into the night, despite the shooting pain in his broken and damaged body.

Pinkie simply stared in disbelief, and muttered, “Sooo cool,” to herself.

Dan looked back at Pinkie and scowled. “ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?!”

Pinkie smiled hard enough to make a tiny squee sound and bounded to the car, falling once on the way over, and quickly picking herself back up.

“Seriously?” Dan asked from the passenger seat as he buckled up. “She can’t even walkright,” he said, angrily motioning to the girl outside.

“Dan, did you haveto set that man on fire…AGAIN?!”

Dan chuckled to himself, “Hehe, yeah… anyhow, I already told you, we’re doing a servicehere.”

 Chris said nothing and watched Pinkie through his side view mirror.

“Dan…ummm…I don’t think she knows how to open car doors,” Chris said in a tone of genuine surprise.

“What? Seriously?!” Dan looked out the window to see a perplexed Pinkie Pie staring at one of the car doors. “This is unbelievable!”

Dan quickly undid his seatbelt and exited the car. He walked over to the driver side backseat door, shoved Pinkie back a few feet, and then opened the door.

“Ooooooooooh,” Pinkie uttered as if she had just achieved some sort of enlightenment watching Dan open the car door with his hand.

“GET IN THERE!” Dan yelled as he roughly pushed Pinkie into the back seat.

Pinkie hit a stack of papers face first, spreading the mass across the back seat.

“AND DON’T MESS THOSE UP! THEY’RE PART OF AN IMPORTANT AGENDA AGAINST THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!”

Pinkie sat upright and quickly tried to fix the pile of papers she had just messed up with her face, or rather, the pile Dan had messed up with her face, though the distinction was lost on her at this point.

Chris shot his friend a look that said, 'Really? You really just pushed a girl like that?' as Dan reentered the car and buckled up.

Dan shot hima look that just screamed 'mind your own damn business.'

Pinkie finished straightening the papers she could reach and sprang upright in the seat. "I'm up!" she announced to the men in front.

Dan sighed and shook his head as Chris started the car and continued forward.

It's going to be a loooong night.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 2 Pinkie Vs. Seatbelt

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 2 Pinkie Vs. Seatbelt

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 1 Pinkie Vs. Van NuysChapter 2 Pinkie Vs. Seatbelt-ooooooo-

“So…what do you think?” Dan whispered to his buddy in the driver seat as the car pulled along

Pinkie held up one of Dan’s flyers to her face and squinted at it intently as street lights washed the inside of the car in light to return to dark, over and over again.

“I just think she’s a poor, lost girl who wandered a little further than she meant,” Chris answered.

“Yes, because that TOTALLY explains why such concepts such as car doors andwalking elude her.”

“Well, where do you think she came from?”

“I already told you! She’s obviously a spy of some sort sent to kill me.”

“Dan, I don’t think she’s a spy.”

“Give me one good reason why my spy hypotheses wouldn’t work!”

“She’s awfully uncoordinated for a spy.”

“Pshaw!” Dan waved his hand dismissively. “She’s obviously just doing that to lead us into a false sense of security.”

“She’s laying it on awfully thick, then, don’t you think?” Chris said, raising his eyebrows for emphasis.

“OK, so she’s a bad spy!”

“Do you think they teach spies to pretend to not understand car doors as part of their elaborate act to get close to a target?” Chris asked sarcastically.

“I DON’T KNOW! I’M NOT AN EXPERT ON SPIES!”

“Gee, you're right. Guess I’ll just call MY WIFE and ask her what she thinks!”

Dan’s eyes narrowed. “Touché, Chris. Touché.”

“Anyway,” Chris added, “if she had any sort of weapon, she probably could have taken us both out when she thanked us.”

Dan began to look like he was going to retort, but was interrupted as Pinkie burst into fits of laughter.

Dan turned to see the young lady holding one of his fliers as laughter continued to erupt from her.

“And what do you think is so amusing?”

“Thi…hehe…this….PFFFT HAHAHAHAHA…This comic is really funny…hehe!”

“GIVE ME THAT!” Dan snatched the piece of paper out of Pinkies hand, neatly folded it, and roughly stuffed it in his jacket pocket. “That is not a comic! It is a call to arms!”

“Dan, I’m pretty sure that thing was satirical in nature,” Chris interjected.

“I will NOT sit here and let you besmirch the great Notley’s work that way!” Dan glanced back at Pinkie. “CHRIS STOP THE CAR, RIGHT NOW!”

Chris let out a confused and alarmed sound and slammed his foot on the brake pedal.

Pinkie, likewise, let out a confused and alarmed sound as she lurched forward with nothing to stop her until she hit the transmission hump with her face.

“Dan! What the heck?!” Chris demanded.

“Owie…” Pinkie mumbled as she slowly got up, rubbing her forehead.

“And that, children, is why we buckle up when we get in a car.”

Pinkie stared at Dan blankly; still leaning forward; her face several inches from his.

Dan closed the distance to less than two inches. “SIT DOWN AND PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON!” he roared in her face.

Pinkie sprung back into the driver’s side rear seat. Still maintaining eye contact with Dan. “Um…erm…” she blushed and gave an embarrassed smile. “What’s a seat belt?”

Dan stared at her shocked, even Chris had turned back at this point to stare at her wide-eyed and in disbelief.

“Unbelievable,” Dan muttered as he smacked his palm against his face and dragged hand down. He undid his own seatbelt and leaned on the transmission hump so he could better indicate what he was talking about with his hands.

“Grab the buckle,” Dan said pointing at the buckle, which Pinkie grabbed.

“Now grab the metal tongue.” Dan pointed to the metal tongue of the seatbelt, hanging off the belt. Pinkie obediently grabbed it.

“I thought the metal part was the buckle.” Chris interrupted.

“NO, you simpleton! The buckle is the female end, and the tongue is the male end!”

“Are they married?” Pinkie asked.

“SHUT UP! Now put the tongue into the hole on the buckle,” Dan commanded.

Pinkie did as commanded and heard a satisfying ‘click’ sound. Then let go, quite pleased with herself.

“There, was that so hard?” Dan asked condescendingly.

Chris smiled and pushed his foot down hard on the accelerator, causing the car to lurch forward and Dan to slip and slam his chest on the transmission hump. Pinkie looked surprised for a second, then stifled a giggle with her hand.

Dan turned around and pointed accusingly at Chris. “YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!” he snarled, wheezing to catch his breath.

“Sorry, I thought we were all buckled in,” Chris’s grin grew wider. “It’s dangerous to be in a car with your seatbelt off, you know?”

Pinkie’s hand proved insufficient to stifle her giggles and laughter filled the car once more.

Dan let out a series of incomprehensible growls of rage and attempted to lunge at Chris who quickly tapped the accelerator again, causing Dan to wobble.

Dan sat back down and buckled his seatbelt.

“So, anyone hungry?” Chris asked.

Dan made a disgusted sound, “Ugh, you’re always hungry.”

“Hey, taking down a mugger is hard work,” Chris retorted, “I think we deserve a break.”

“I took out the mugger.” Dan said, pointing towards himself. “YOU”--Dan pointed back at Chris--“just barreled into him with your car.”

“Look, do you want a burger or not?”

Dan grumbled. “You’re paying…”

“Oh like THAT’S a surprise!” Chris said rolling his eyes.

“Don’t get snippy!” Dan said, leveling the next in a series of dozen accusing fingers at Chris once more.

Chris continued driving, glanced behind him and asked, “Are you hungry? Are burgers okay?”

Pinkie looked down as her stomach as it growled in reply. "You ponies have hay-burgers here?!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. She smiled. "I guess this place isn't so different after all!"

Chris cocked an eyebrow "Uh... hay-burger?"

Dan mirrored his tall friends expression. "Ponies?" He turned in his seat to face Pinkie. "What, did you escape from some test facility where they had you penned up like livestock?"

"Uh... No..." Pinkie said. "Did I... did I say something wrong?"

"Two things in a single sentence!" Dan cried. "That might even be a new record for you!"

Pinkie puffed out her lip and whimpered quietly.

"Dan," Chris began in a chastising tone, "give the poor girl a break! She's obviously had a rough day!"

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously.

Dan rolled his eyes and turned forward. "Whatever. If you're buying, then by all means; fairy us all to Burgerphille."

“Great!” Chris said excitedly. “And I think milkshakes are in order, too!”

“Oh, I see! Let’s all get something DAN can’t have!”

“Look, I can get you a slushy, instead.”

Dan thought about this for half a second. ”Fine! But only if they have cherry flavor,” he insisted.

“Dan, they’ve never not had cherry.”

“DO YOU KISS YOUR WIFE WITH THAT FILTHY MOUTH, MR. DOUBLE NEGATIVE?!” Dan sneered.

Chris sighed. Is it that much to ask I’m thanked instead of screamed at for offering to pay for Dan’s food…AGAIN?

“I’ll just take whatever you two recommend…” Pinkie said tentatively.

Dan turned his torso in his seat to face her and leveled an angry finger at her. “YOU’LL EAT OUR SCRAPS AND LIKE IT! YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!”

Pinkie looked away for a couple seconds and rested her finger on her chin as she pondered a response. She then looked back at Dan and smiled. “I was the bait,” she said as her warm smile turned smug.

Dan’s face contorted into an angry scream, but no sound came out. He quickly turned around to face forward, crossed his arms, and put a sullen look on his face.

“Then it’s settled! Burgers for everyone! Hurray!” Chris said excitedly.

“Can, you order for me, please, Mr. Chris?” Pinkie asked.

“Heh, it’s just ‘Chris’,” Chris responded.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Hey, let’s go inside. I’m soaked.” He turned to glare at Pinkie once more. “SOME PONY,” he said, sneering at the word ‘pony’, “had us out in the POURING RAIN to SAVE her sorry butt.”

Pinkie’s smile quickly turned back to a pout as she let out a small whimper.

It’s going to be a loooong night.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 3 Dan Vs. Apologies

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 3 Dan Vs. Apologies

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 1 Pinkie vs. Van NuysChapter 3 Dan Vs. Apologies -ooooooo-

Pinkie bounded around her new, bright surroundings. “Oh, oh! What’s THIS?! Oh my gosh! What’s that?!” She dashed from place to place constantly slipping, tripping and all and all getting to know the ground quite well.

Dan followed the hyperactive young adult girl with his eyes but said nothing, a grumpy expression plastered on his face.

“Let’s see…” Chris said examining the menu, “two double third pound cheese meals, crazy sized, one with fries the other with onion rings, both with chocolate shakes, a double bacon cheese stuffed bacon burger, a regular third pound cheese meal, and two apple pies.”

“Hey, Chris; I thought you were supposed to put in her order as well,” Dan said snidely.

“It’s IN there!” Chris insisted.

Dan sighed, “One PLAIN burger, just MEAT and a bun. If I find cheese on it, your life is forfeit! Also, a medium sized cherry slushy.”

The bored looking cashier rung up everything. “That’ll be $32.73.”

Chris dug out his wallet and grabbed a few green bills.

Pinkie ran over, lost her footing for the dozenth time since she entered Burgerphile and crashed into the counter. She grabbed hold of the counter-top and slowly climbed her way up. “What’s that?” She asked, pointing at the green bills in Chris’s hands; almost losing her grip in the process.

“That, my dear statistic waiting to happen, is what we call money. You can use it to exchange for goods and services,” Dan answered.

Pinkie slowly climbed to her feet using the counter-top for balance, stuck out her tongue and put on an annoyed face, “I KNOWhow money works! We just don’t use paper where I’m from.”

“Oh really?” Chris asked. “Where’s that? England?” he offered.

“They have paper money in Great Britain, you nit-wit,” Dan said with a mildly irritated tone.

“I thought they used pounds.”

“They have paper pounds!”

“A whole pound of paper? Well, that sounds inconvenient,” Pinkie added.

“I swear to God,” Dan turned his palms upward into frustrated claws and furrowed his brow, “it’s like you’re constantly trying to top yourself with the stupid things you say.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, her face framed by her currently wet and matted hair.

Alright, I know I just got here, and Dan probably saved me from certain doom…or worse…and I’m sure explaining everything to me can’t be that fun, but would it hurt Dan to be just a little less rude to me?!

“Are there paper Euro’s?” Chris asked.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF MONEY THEY USE IN EUROPA!” Dan roared. “Do I LOOK like an astronomer!?”

“Sirs? Your order..?” the cashier asked.

“Oh right,” Chris looked at the money in his hand. “Shoot, I’m a bit short. Dan, could you…”

“No, and HOW DARE you even think of asking. Just take out her food from the order,” Dan said as he pointed his thumb at Pinkie. “Ketchup packets are enough for her.”

“Dan, there’s no need to pick on her so much.”

“Just figure it out Chris! You’re holding up the line!”

Chris scanned the restaurant, it was empty save the three of them and the small amount of staff behind the counter.

Meanwhile, Pinkie had started digging through her new, pink laptop-bag; dug out a similarly pink wallet which she recognized as roughly same in shape to the one Chris was holding. She opened it up, grinned, and pulled out a bill.

“Will thishelp?” Pinkie asked optimistically.

“Thanks, Pinkie, though that’s not quite...”

“That’s a one dollar bill, you idiot. Captain Feed Bagshere is short at least five dollars.”

Pinkie looked back into her wallet and pulled out another bill, this one had a couple more zeros on it.

“Will this work?” She asked inquisitively.

Dan and Chris, once again, put on shocked expressions aimed in Pinkie’s direction.

“Ma’am, we can’t take any bills over a $50.”

“Oh! Okie-Dokie-Lokie!” Pinkie shoved the bills back and fetched a $50 bill and handed it to the cashier. The Cashier, held it up to the light, marked it with a pen, then opened up the register and put the bill inside.

Dan put on his best talking to a childvoice. “Now the nice man is going to figure out the difference between what you gave him and what we owed and gi…”

“I KNOW HOW CHANGE WORKS, YOU CONDESCENDINGJACK-@$#!” Pinkie screamed in Dan’s face.

Chris’s and Dan’s expressions turned surprised.

Dan took a couple steps back. His face contorted to one of anger to match Pinkie's and he and Pinkie closed the distance with each other leading with their red, angry faces.

Before either could say anything, or worse throw a punch, Chris put his hands on their shoulders and wedged his much larger body in between the two. “Hey! I have an idea. Pinkie, why don’t you dry yourself off in the restroom while Dan and I will find a booth for us.”

“Okie…Dokie…Lokie,” Pinkie said through gritted teeth. She spun, scanned her surroundings and located the sign that said 'RESTROOMS'. She grabbed her bag and stormed off with body language that showed that she was fuming. She tripped once on the way over, shot back up to her feet while maintain the same rigid, angry walk and arrived at the restroom doors. She glanced at the symbols as if pondering what they meant, glanced down at her own skirt, smiled, and then pushed her way into the woman’s restroom.

Dan and Chris watched the display as Pinkie entered the restroom then found a booth to sit in. Chris slid to the end of one side while Dan lounged in his side; occupying the entire seat.

“Dan, don’t you think you’re being just wee bit too hard on her?” Chris asked with a cocked eyebrow.

“ME!?She started it!” Dan insisted.

“Dan, you know that’s not true.”

Dan folded his arms looked away, and grumbled something incomprehensible.

“Maybe,” Chris continued, “you should apologize to her.”

“I don’t see why I…”

“She did pay for your meal.”

“She paid for yours, too.”

“Dan…”

“OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! I’ll try to be nicer to her,” Dan said, glancing away from Chris and holding his palms up in a frustrated manner.

“Aaaaaand..?”

Dan grumbled.

“Dan..?”

“I’ll apologize, OKAY!?” Dan said, shooting daggers in Chris’s direction with his eyes as best he could.

Chris sat back, satisfied.

 “What is TAKING her so long?!”

“Dan, her clothes and her hair were completely drenched. It’ll probably take her awhile to get dried off,” Chris said in a somewhat chastising tone.

“She probably doesn't even know how to use the hand driers…” Dan grumbled.

Chris thought about this for a second and realized Dan was very likely right. He decided to change the subject, “I wonder why our food is taking so long.”

“Chris,” Dan began, mimicking his friends tone from a few second ago, “you ordered enough food to feed a third world nation. It’ll probably take what little staff is here a while to make it all. It’s what you getfor being such a slovenly pig all the time.”

Chris sighed and glanced back at the restrooms.

It's going to be a loooong night.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 4 Pinkie Vs. Meat

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 1 Chapter 4: Pinkie Vs. Meat -oooooo-

Pinkie looked at her reflection in the large bathroom mirror and let out a sigh.

For her, being another species was easy enough to adjust to, but in addition to being a complete mess, she was collecting bruises at a fast pace with her constant tripping, stumbling, and falling. The worst one showed prominently on her forehead, courtesy of Dan teaching her a lesson on the importance of proper vehicle safety.

Pinkie grabbed a large length of paper towel from the dispenser and started toweling her wet hair and clothing.

Ugh, I shoudn’t have yelled at him like that…

Okay, so yes,he deserved to be yelled at with how he was talking to me, but that doesn’t mean I should have done it.

And besides, he seemedlike he was trying to help… in a rather tough and unconventional way.

Also, he definitely saved me from death, there…

Pinkie cringed.

…or something really, really bad probably followed by death.

Alright, I totallyneed to say ‘I’m sorry’ to him when I see him next.

…

Now what in the heck are those bulgy things on the wall with the other, chrome bulge sticking out of THAT, and the button..?

…

Well, STARING at it certainly isn’t going to answer anything.

Pinkie walked over and pushed the button.

‘Fhhhhmmmmm…’

A loud noise emitted from the device. Pinkie instinctively jumped back and covered her face with her arms while keeping an eye on the device.

It doesn’t seemto be dangerous.

She tentatively reached out a hand and touched the metal bulge on the device, it was warm.

Oh, cool!..er…Hot, actually…

She smiled to herself as she waved her hand under the device and felt warm air blowing.

Looks like I can at least dry my hair.

“Hmmmm…” Pinkie carefully examined the contents of her bag. “Oooo! Ooooo!” She cried excitedly.

In addition to her wallet; she had a flat, pink, rectangular object with what appeared to be her cutie mark on the top. The item was roughly a foot and a half across, and another foot wide. She had a second, much smaller flat rectangular object in a pink flip case; a pink compact mirror; a small camera which she was particularly excited about; a couple of cords with metal parts protruding out of either end, and, she was in luck, a pink hair brush.

I wonder who would set me up with all this?

Hehehe…they even know my favorite color, pink! Pink everywhere!

Maybe my friends sent these...?

Oh, I hope they’re okay…

Well, those blue-black cloudy thingies were after me…

Pinkie took another look at the items in her bag.

Guess I’ll have to sort through all this neat looking stuff later, I bet Chris and Dan are waiting for me…

…And I reeeeaaaalllly don’t want to give Dan any more reasons to be mad at me.

Pinkie sat on the floor under the hand driers, positioned them so the air would blow directly on her and proceeded to brush her hair while using the mirror.

It wasn’t long before the pink-wet-matted mess was a pink-dry-curly mess.

She sat up and looked herself over in the mirror. “Perfect!” she said, despite the large bump on her head. She grabbed the camera, examined it carefully and tried a few buttons. Eventually, it turned on with a beep, a little music fan-fare and a screen on the back that showed what the camera was pointing at.

“Wow! Fancy and smancy!” She said to herself. She positioned herself in the mirror and snapped a photo. The camera made an electronic ‘click’ sound. She stared at the screen and much to her delight, it showed her exactly what she just took. She smiled, giddy with delight; packed everything but the camera and slung the bag over her shoulder; grabbed the camera and exited the restroom.

-ooooo-

“Undercover cop,” Dan posed to his friend Chris.

Chris thought for a second. “That’s basically the same idea as your ‘spy hypothesis’ except she arrests you instead of kills you. Plus, she witnessed you set a man on fire. I doubt she’d be holding out for something else to haul you into jail on.”

Dan rested his chin and mouth on his hand and concentrated.

I will figure out what your angle is, pink girl! Oh yes, nothing escapes the watchful eyes of Dan!

Why does Chris have to be so good at shooting down my theories? The jerk. I really thought I had it pegged with robot…stupid girly body getting covered in bruises shooting that one down…Chris mentioned apparently no one liked watching me on reality T.V…Lousy mass of crappy show watching sheep wouldn’t know entertainment if it set fire to all their belongings.

URRRGH, I’m usually so GOOD at this!

“Say CHEEEEESEEEEEE~!”

Chris quickly looked up and put on his best photo face.

“I HATE CHEESE!" Dan screamed.

There was a ‘click’ followed by Pinkie examining the photo she just took.

She sat down next to Chris, and before either man could say anything she burst out with: “Okay, so I’m sorry I yelled at you, I’m just really, really, not used to any of this, and I know it can’t be easy for you to keep taking care of me, and I really appreciate it, and I’m really, really, really…”

--Dan positioned a ketchup packet on the table…--

“…glad you came along and saved me when I did. I don’t know what…”

--…took aim...--

“…I would have done without you, probably be lying in a filthy ditch right now if…”

--…positioned his fist over the ketchup packet...--

“it weren’t for you, so once again I’m really sorry I screamed at you and called you a jack-@$#, I actually really, really, REALLY, REALLY want to be your friend, and…”

--..Chris leaned over the table to grab Dan’s hand and waved a shame on you finger at him.

Dan sighed.--

“…did I mention how sorry I was?”

…Okay…that seemed a lot shorter when I practiced in the bathroom…

Dan waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it,” he said nonchalantly.

“Really?!” Pinkie said excitedly, leaning forward on the table.

“Yes…Really.”

“Dan, don’t you have something to say?” Chris said.

Dan glared at Chris.

Well…at least she apologized first.

“I’msorry”, Dan said, barely audible.

“Dan, you’ll have to be louder than that.”

“I said 'I’m sorry', OK!”

Pinkie smiled, extended her hand, remembered something, spit on into her palm and extended it again. “You’re forgiven.”

Dan glared at her hand at first, but soon his lips curled into a smile. He spat in his own palm, grabbed hers and gave it a shake. “Likewise,” he said. He quickly retracted his hand and gave it a wipe with some napkins on the table.

Pinkie followed suit.

The bored cashier from earlier came by and dropped a tray piled with food on the center of the table.

“Finally,” Dan snarled and hunted for his burger. Chris, likewise started grabbing items. Pinkie starred at the feast before her blankly.

Dan sighed, grabbed the empty cup from the tray and stood up. “Chris, why don’t you stop being such a fat, self-centered pig, and pick out the food you ordered for the lady,” Dan said before he continued his walk to the soda fountain.

Chris looked up, grinned sheepishly, and picked out the smaller order of fries, a milkshake, a small rectangular apple-pie and a wrapped burger that he placed in front of Pinkie. He also positioned the onion rings in convenient reach of the both of them.

Pinkie stared at the wrapped burger in front of her.

Alright, the fries I get, and we have plenty of milkshakes…but what the hay is that?

Her thoughts where interrupted as Dan returned with the cup and placed it in front of Pinkie.

“Drink,” Dan said simply.

“Dan, you didn’t get her anything with caffeine in it did you, because….”

“What kind of moron do you take me for? It’s ice water,” Dan informed.

Pinkie thirstily drank the water through the straw.

Oh wow, I’m thirsty! Like, really, reallythirsty!”

She quickly got to the point where the straw was making an audible sucking sound.

‘Ssssssssssssgghghghsghgsghg’

“GIVE ME THAT!” Dan snatched the cup and got back up, refilled it and placed it back in front of Pinkie, who proceeded to drink it at a slower pace this time around.

Dan found his own burger out of the mix, unwrapped it and opened it up. With a satisfied expression, he emptied the contents of three ketchup packet onto it, put the top bun back on it and began eating.

Pinkie looked from Dan to Chris who were both eating their burgers. She unwrapped her own burger, examined it quizzically, brought it up to her mouth and took a large bite.

Pinkie’s eye’s widened and she let out an audible, “Hmmmmmmmmm…” of delight. She happily chewed and took a few more bites.

I’ve never had anything like this, before! It’s super-amazadelicious tasting!

She took off the top bun to examine the contents. It seemed to be some sort of sandwich with a hot, brown substance in the middle.

Huh, wonder what plant that’s from…

“What is this?” she asked Dan, pointing at the patty.

“Dead cow,” Dan said simply.

“Dead…cow?” Pinkie stated in disbelief as she began to tear up.

“Don’t tell me you’re a filthy vegetarian.”

Pinkie’s face continued to get sadder as more tears and snot started to leak out her nose. “Herb…herbivore,” she informed.

“They don’t have meat were you’re from?” Dan asked.

“N…no…”

Dan sighed.

What is it with this weirdo?

“If it makes you feel better, the cow was probably very well taken care of before it was brutally dismembered at the slaughterhouse,” Dan said.

Pinkie’s distress increased, she looked mere seconds away from completely losing it.

“What, are cows special where you come from…are you Indian?” Dan glanced at Chris. “Dot, not feather.”

Chris rolled his eyes, “I got it, thanks.”

“W…Well,” Pinkie sniffed hard, “I have a friend named Daisy Jo who always orders cookies to have with her…to have with her…” Pinkie imagined her dear friend being killed, ground up, cooked, and eaten, “sniiiiiiiffff…MIiIiIiLLLLK WOUAAAAAAA!” Pinkie buried her head in her arms as she sobbed into her shirt sleeves.

“Did she just said she knows a cow that orders cookies to have with her Milk?” Chris asked from behind his burger. The display not enough to deter his eating.

“Kinda perverse, ain’t it?” Dan responded.

“That’s not exactly the part that I was questioning,” Chris said.

 Dan looked back at Pinkie, “Are you saying cows talk where you come from?”

Pinkie looked up, “Of….of course…”

“Right, I thought as much.”

“Dan, what are you getting at?” Chris said, looking across the table at his friend.

“Something you said earlier made me think…” he looked back at Pinkie, “Cows don’t talk here. They just ‘moo’, eat grass, produce milk, and are collected for convenient eating. Exactly as God and Nature intended.” Dan took another bite out of his burger, then slipped his slushy.

Pinkie frowned, looked down at her burger and pushed it away.

I don’t think I’m ready to sort this all out…

Dan passed her some napkins which she used to blow her nose and wipe the tears from her face.

“Is there meat in anything else?” Pinkie asked waving at the spread in front of her.

“Nope. Go nuts, kid,” Dan said.

Pinkie took a bite of her fries, her eyes went wide again and another, “Hmmmmmmm…” escaped her as she started alternatively eating fries, onions rings, and taking large sips from her shake.

“You are wasting a precious free resource here!” Dan cried.

Pinkie looked up at Dan with a confused expression.

Dan proceeded to open a number of ketchup packets then empty the contents all over her fries and the onion rings.

Pinkie blinked a few times, then tried a fry smothered with ketchup. Her smile grew wider as the pace of her eating accelerated. Only interrupted by a muffled “ThankyouDan” as she consumed fries, onion rings, and chocolate shake. It wasn’t long before Pinkie and Chris had consumed almost all their food, Chris having claimed what was left of Pinkie’s burger.

“Elch, watching pigs eat would be less disgusting,” Dan directed at the pair with a scowl, having finished his burger and slushy.

“Pigs don’t tend to talk where I’m from for some reason…” Pinkie said, considering the strangeness of that for a second.

“Fascinating,” Dan responded flatly.

“Soooo…” Chris began, “Were are you from, Pinkie?”

“Ponyfhille”, Pinkie said, munching on her apple pie.

Huh…it’s alright…I guess… I miss Applejack's baking…

Dan raised his eyebrows.

“Where’s that?” Chris chomped into his own pie. “Neferherdofit,” he said through a mouth full of pie.

“It’s a few hours train ride from Canterlot.”

Dan continued listening with the same expression.

Chris stopped chewing and just stared down at Pinkie.

“…OR maybe it’s a just a few hour walk from Canterlot…Come to think of it, it seems to be a different distance from Ponyville every time we travel to it…”

Chris slowly swallowed the contents in his mouth, unsure of how to respond.

“Erm…in…Equestria...?” Pinkie ventured.

Chris looked across the table at Dan, who had maintained the same expression.

Dan sighed, “You were right, Chris.”

“I was?”

“She’s not from this planet.”

“Dan, that’s not what…”

Pinkie went wide eyed and started to inhaled a large volume of air, before she could speak Dan put her finger to her mouth, silencing her.

“You’re from a planet where the primary sapient species are horses, which you are one of, of course. However, other animals are also sapient and have the ability to speak. You were transported here quite unexpectedly and we happened on you within just a very short time of your arrival.”

Dan moved his finger, and Pinkie continued her inhale, only to have Dan replace his finger back in front of her mouth.

“FURTHERMORE, you’ve had a friend go through very similar experiences who’ve you pestered endlessly to talk about what happened to her…or him.”

Dan moved his finger, Pinkie, whose face was starting to turn blue from holding her breath. She inhaled just a little bit more air, quickly exhaled as she began to look pale. She rolled her eyes back in her head, and dropped her head onto her arms on the table.

“Dan, I don’t think…”

“That was amazing…” Pinkie gasped out in a high pitched voice, “how did you know?”

Chris’s jaw dropped.

Dan put on his best Sherlock voice, “Elementary, my dear Pinkie. First there was all the locations that pointed to an equine based society. 'Ponyville', 'Canterlot', 'Equestria'. Second, it seems just about every other thing you encounter is foreign to you, especially if it requires hands to work. Third, you seem to be having a lot of trouble keeping your balance, thus showing you’re not used to walking on two legs. Fourth, there was the comment you made about being an herbivore.”

“Wow, Dan! You’re like the smartest person ever, EVER, EVER!”

Dan smirked to himself, “Yeah, I know. The only thing that threw me off is you seemed to adjust a little too fast. Leading me to believe you know someone who’s given you some idea what it’s like to be in a human world.”

“Right again, Dan!”

Dan’s smile grew wider.

Chris stared at Dan, then back at Pinkie.

Well, she seems to agree with Dan, but this is really far-fetched, even for the sort of stuff that happens to us!

Pinkie suddenly became uncomfortably aware of how much water she had drunk.

“Uh…would you two excuse me?” Pinkie dashed for the restroom, slipping, but regaining her footing before hitting the floor. She quickly entered the women’s restroom.

“Alien horse girl? Really?” Chris asked skeptically.

“Technically, she’d be from another dimension,” Dan said. “So, ‘slider’ would probably be the best term, here. Anyhow, you’re the one who suggested she was from another planetoid.”

“No, Dan. I thought she was from Europe.”

“That’s ridiculous! She doesn’t even have a European accent of any sort.”

“I…” Chris trailed off, Dan actually had a point. “Okay, but that doesn’t mean she’s a ‘slider’.” Chris air-quoted 'slider', to highlight his skepticism.

“Reeaaaally?” Dan said with a look of smug satisfaction. “Alright then, smart guy, were do you think she’s from?”

“Uhhh…”

Okay, well we did go through a collection of theories, even entertaining the more implausible ones.

But this is really far-fetched.

Though, it does explain much of Pinkie’s behavior…

 “Besides,” Dan added, “am I ever wrong about these sort of things?”

Chris looked up, then thought about this some more.

Well…Dan’s often wrong. But not usually when it comes to the off-the-wall, crackpot theories. Heck, he even figured out Wolfman from some scratches and some odd sets of footprints.

Still…girl from a horse dimension? I don’t know…

-ooooo-

Pinkie washed her hands in the sink; it had taken her a bit to figure out the soap dispenser. Thankfully, the bathrooms here were similar to the ones back home and despite not wearing clothing very often, she at least had some experience with most of what she was wearing aside from a couple of new articles she had mostly figured out already.

Pinkie stared down at her chest.

Ulgh, I hate whatever this tight  thing around my chest is…

I guess it must be to hold this strange chest lumps in place.

She dried her hands using the hand drier.

Oh, I still hope everyone back home is safe.

At least Dan has some things figured out…

Besides, Twilight knows everythingabout magic. There’s no way she won’t be able to figure SOMETHINGout!

Pinkie took a quick glance at herself in the mirror and beamed at her reflection.

Things are looking up!

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 5 Dan Vs. Forehead wound

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 1 Chapter 5: Dan Vs. Forehead wound -oooooo-

Pinkie exited the bathroom. As she did, Chris and Dan sat up and made their way to the restaurant door.

Chris held the door open for both Dan, who passed wordlessly, and Pinkie who smiled and said, “Thank you very much, Chris,” with a smile on her way out.

The trio walked to the car and before Pinkie could reach for the handle, Dan grabbed her hand and silently held up a finger signifying she should wait as he gave her a stern look.

Pinkie stared at Dan’s finger as Chris got into the driver side and unlocked the car.

Dan let go of Pinkie’s hand and entered the passenger’s side before buckling up.

Pinkie opened her door and sat down; fumbled with her seatbelt for a moment before she managed to get it to ‘click’ again and gave herself an excited, “I DID IT!”

“Congratulations,” Dan mumbled as he rolled his eyes. “Soon you’ll move up to tying your shoelaces.”

“Did you say something, Danny?” Pinkie asked.

“No, and don’t call me ‘Danny’!” Dan growled back.

Chris started the car and backed out of the parking spot.  After a glance to insure the road was clear, he exited the lot and they were on their way.

“So Pinkie,” Chris began, “where do you want to be dropped off.”

Pinkie’s pupils narrowed slightly and she went uncomfortably silent.

“I’ve known goldfish who pay better attention than you, Chris! She doesn’t have a place to be dropped off at! She just got here from another dimension!” Dan turned his palms upward and leaned closer to his friend. “How can you forget something we just talked about a few minutes ago?!”

Pinkie nodded vigorously from the backseat.

“Well, I can’t take her to my place,” Chris said.

“What?! Why not! Just make a spot for her on the couch! I do it all the time!” Dan countered with a tone of disbelief.

“Normally, that would be fine but Elise has taken some of her work home with her,” Chris said, his tone betraying his frustration at the situation.

“Ah, so the couch is currently occupied by a Chinese spy that Elise is interrogating?” Dan posed.

“No, she turned Cao over to her superiors last week. This is much worse.”

Pinkie leaned forward, interested in the conversation, “What’s a Chinese?” she asked.

Dan looked back at her, “Excuse you, the men are figuring out what to do with you!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, stuck her tongue out at Dan and leaned back in her seat.

Alright, Pinkie. Remember, you want to make friends with Dan!

Even if he’s not going to make it easy-peasy.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” Dan said. “What’s worse than having to share a roof with a captured, hostile, international spy?”

“Elise is working on something involving plutonium. She won’t say what it is, but we’ve had to put a tent over the house and claim we’re fumigating. She says there’s not a great chance for a leak, but to be safe we’re both wearing hazmat suits around the house, and we only have the two.”

Dan sighed. “Typical,” he mumbled out.

Pinkie stared back and forth between Chris and Dan.

Uh…plutonium? Sounds fun…maybe? Geez, I wonder what else is here I don’t know about…

 “Why do you think I so quickly agreed to help you?” Chris asked Dan.

“I’m sorry if I thought you were committed to my noble quest to improve the English language.”

“I thought you said you had an ‘agenda’ against it,” Pinkie reminded Dan.

Huh, she’s paying a lot more attention that I would have thought a ditzy air-head is capable of.

Alright, time to put Pink Girl back in her place.

“I’m on a quest to burn the English language and raise it back, not unlike the mythical phoenix.” He smiled, “A Phoenix is…”

“…A magical, fiery bird that sheds its fiery feathers and burns up, reducing itself to ashes, before igniting once again and emerging in its full, fiery might over and over again,” Pinkie said with a smug sense of satisfaction.

Dan closed his mouth and grimaced at her.

“We have those back where I’m from. Oh, and they’re not thaaaat mythical. There’s quite a few in the Everfree Forest,” she added.

Dan sat back in his chair, his attempt at putting Pinkie in her place having completely backfired. He examined the area the car was passing, “What? Chris! NO! Stop the car! She is not staying with me!”

“Well, where else is she going to stay?” Chris asked.

“I DON’T CARE! JUST NOT IN MY APARTMENT.”

Pinkie let out an audible whimper from the back.

“Hey! I have an idea! Why doesn’t she try to rent the place next to your apartment? Didn’t you say your neighbors just recently moved out leaving most their furniture behind?”

Dan thought back to a night of a pile of electric guitars, a drum-set, some amps, gasoline and a bonfire rising high into the nights sky as he stood from his second story walkway and laughed maniacally.

REVENGE IS MINE! I’ll NEVER have to hear that crappy band play again or have it disturb my sleep.

Ahh, memories…

HehehehehehMuaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..!

‘Tap, tap, tap…’

Dan looked out his car window to see Chris staring at him with look that said ‘seriously?’

 Dan rolled down the window, “What?! How’d you get out of the car? Where is that girl?! Weren’t we just discussing how she wasn’t going to stay with me?”

“Dan, that was over 30 minutes ago. You started laughing and kept laughing all the way here. I would have stopped you, but Pinkie” –Chris broke eye contact with Dan and motioned as if he was introducing an invisible Pinkie Pie—“also started laughing. She didn’t even ask me what was so funny until we were both out of the car.”

Dan peered outside, “CHRIS! NO! She cannot move in next to me. End of story.”

“Yeah, I think you already lost this battle, she was going over the paperwork with the Landlord as I went to check up on you.”

“What?! She can’t move in tonightshe doesn’t even have identification, or a social security number, or…”

“Your landlord said he was fine renting out to a ‘pony girl’ and said he ‘trusted her kind.’" Chris looked out into space. “He also called me a ‘bear guy’. Man, tonight has been weird...”

Dan let out a sound of rage and frustration. “Graaah! Could this night get ANY worse!?” he asked the heavens.

The heavens responded.

Pinkie Pie bounded to the car window. Enthusiastically holding up a set of keys. Chris moved out of the way as she rested her hands on the car door, stuck her head in the door and excitedly bobbed her body up and down as Dan absently followed her with his eyes

“Hey, Dan! Guess what, guesswhat, guesswhat!? We’re neighbors now! Oh, I know we’re going to be best friends FOREVER, and we’ll spend SO MUCH time together, and we’ll play together, and dance, and sing…” Pinkie’s feet slid out from under her on the wet concrete. She hit her forehead with a very audible thump on the open car window frame on her way down.

Dan actually changed his expression to concerned as he heard her face slowly slip down the rest of the car door before he heard it hit the ground.

‘Thump’

Within an instant, Pinkie was back up with an, “I’m oooooookaaaay!” She felt something warm and wet drip from her forehead, onto her nose, then down around her mouth. She felt her forehead and examined her hand to witness a hand full of blood, dirt, and gravel. “I’m NOT Okay…” she corrected and slumped forward against the car door.

Chris leaned down and looped his arms around Pinkie,s, backing her up so Dan could exit the car.

“Should we take her to the hospital?” Chris asked, his voice concerned as he held Pinkie up.

“So we can all spend hours in the emergency waiting room just so an actor in a lab coat can fondle her, give her a loli-pop and send her on her way?” Dan held one of Pinkie’s eyes open with one hand and moved a finger back in forth in front of it as Pinkie followed Dan’s finger with her pupil.

“Dan, that’s not how hospitals work,” Chris replied.

“That’s pretty much exactly how hospitals work,” Dan countered. “Here,” Dan went around to where Chris was standing, “switch places with me.”

Chris allowed Dan to take his place as Dan put his arms under Pinkie’s and crossed them across her stomach. “Great, now grab her legs, we’re going up.”

Chris pocketed Pinkie’s dropped keys, “Dan, we can’t just abandon her in her new apartment. What if she has a concussion?”

“Concussions are usually followed by much worse symptoms. Believe me, I’ve had a few,” Dan answered as he backed towards his apartment. “She just needs to get her head elevated, get this cleaned up and get some rest. Besides, money-face, we’re taking her to my apartment. I’m well stocked on first-aid supplies. You couldn’t imagine how often I’ve had to dress my own wounds.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I can.” Chris answered, rolling his eyes.

Pinkie moaned softly as the two carried her up the stairs.

“Wow, Dan. This is without a doubt the lightest person we’ve had to drag up or down your stairs.”

“Shut up,” Dan said as they reached his door. “Switch places with me.”

Chris obediently complied, gently lowering Pinkie’s feet as he waked around her and took Dan’s spot holding her up by her shoulders.

Dan unlocked and opened the door to Apartment ‘8’ and entered. He walked over to his yellowing couch and cleared it’s surface of some random junk, unceremoniously allowing it to drop to the floor. Dan sat down and grabbed a few frilly looking throw pillows from the other end of the couch.

Chris shook his head.

I can’t believe he still has all those pillows after he assaulted that Hollywood producer with them…and after they got taken when I gave away most his belongings…

Geez, Dan is determined…

Dan piled a couple pillows on his lap and motioned for Chris to come forward with Pinkie. Dan patted the pillows to signify Dan wanted Chris to lay her head on them.

Chris lifted and then gently lowered the pink haired girl onto Dan’s lap and his couch.

A mangy-looking, grey cat walked in, meowed and climbed on top of Pinkie.

Pinkie meekly moved her hand to stroke the cat, “Awww…nice kitty.”

Dan calmly dictated a few instructions to Chris while maintaining his typical, slightly irritated tone of voice and facial expression, “Go to my bathroom. In my medicine cabinet, you’ll find some dressing pads, gauze, and a couple clean rags. Grab those, check under my sink for a bottle of Everclear, and my freezer for a prepared icepack. Bring everything here, then open the cupboard above the stove, grab a can of the beef flavored canned cat food, and feed Mr. Mumbles.”

“Awww…what a cute name,” Pinkie murmured as she scratched under the cat’s chin who “mewed” in reply.

“And you,” Dan looked down at the girl whose head currently occupied his lap, “stop bleeding all over the place. You’re wrecking my nice throw pillows.”

“So…sorry, Dan,” Pinkie whimpered. “Tha…thanks for taking care of me…”

“Dan, you have about two dozen of those,” Chris called out from Dan’s bathroom.

“So?” Dan replied angrily. “Doesn’t mean I have enough that she can just bleed all over a couple!”

 Chris sighed and continued grabbing supplies. He returned with the medical supplies Dan had asked for, setting them on Dan’s coffee table within his reach.

“Great, now go feed Mr. Mumbles. Beef flavor. Chicken liver was yesterday!”

Chris shot Dan an annoyed expression, but returned to the kitchen. At the sound of a cat food tin opening, Mr. Mumbles hopped off Pinkie and trotted into the kitchen.

“Awww…why’d you have to do that?” Pinkie said, already missing scratching Mr. Mumbles.

“So she doesn’t claw my face off, when you start screaming at ‘step 2’,” Dan answered, dousing a rag in Everclear.

Pinkie sniffed the strong smell of alcohol and her expression turned concerned, “What’s step…”

Without warning, Dan cupped one hand over her mouth and put the Everclear wetted rag over Pinkie’s forehead.

Pinkie's shrieks were muffled by Dan's hand as he cleaned her wound with the stinging alcohol. Chris shot back into the living room looking concerned.

Soon, Dan had finished and moved onto drying the wound with the clean cloth as Pinkie began to sob gently.

“Oh, don’t be such a baby,” Dan commented.

Pinkie tried her best to stop crying and held back her tears.

“Dan, was that really necessary?” Chris asked.

Dan said nothing while placing a couple dressing pads on Pinkies forehead, followed by the icepack, Pinkie gasped at the chilly ice-pack, but it did numb the pain a bit.

“Hold her head up so I can bandage these in place," Dan said.

Chris complied and Dan wrapped the gauze around Pinkie’s head a few times, holding the dressing pads, and icepack in place.

Finished, Dan motioned for Chris to let the girl’s head down.

“Thank you, Dan,” Pinkie managed to whisper.

“Well! It has been fun and weird, but it is getting very late and I must get some sleep,” Chris said in a chipper tone of voice.

“WHAT?! Chris you can’t just leave me here to take care of her all by myself!” Dan insisted.

“You seem to have the situation well in lap…I mean hand. OH!” Chris reached into his pocket and tossed a set of keys on Dan’s coffee table, or rather, the crate that served as Dan's coffee table.

Pinkie murmured an apology to Dan.

“Chris! Come back here!” Dan demanded.

“Sorry Dan! I have to get back, suit up, and get some shut-eye. I will stop by tomorrow to make sure she’s okay,” Chris stopped for a second, turned around and put a very serious expression on his face. “And she better be okay Dan. I mean it.”

“I PROMISE NOTHING!”

“No Dan, No. If you intentionally go out of your way to hurt even one hair on her head, that’s it. Our friendship is over and I’ll make sure you don’t get away with it this time,” Chris leaned into the door frame with one hand and pointed the other at Dan for dramatic effect.

Dan, reached down a grabbed a strand of Pinkie’s hair, Chris’s expression hardened.

Dan let go of the hair.

Wow, he’s actually serious about this.

Pinkie murmured another apology.

“FINE,” Dan growled angrily. “I promise I won’t intentionally physically hurt her or even arrange for physical harm to come to her.”

Chris’s expression softened, “That’s fair. Even spending time with you is mentally scaring.”

Pinkie giggled softly.

Dan gritted his teeth.

Great, now they’re tag teaming me…

Chris walked outside.

“I hope you die of radiation poisoning,” Dan called from the couch.

Chris’s face went pale, “I don’t.”

Chris shut the door and walked back to his car and prayed that Dan wouldn’t traumatize the poor girl too much.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Loneliness

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 1 Pinkie Vs. Van NuysChapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Loneliness-ooooooo-

Dan looked down with a huff at the girl whose head currently occupied his lap along with a couple of, now bloodstained, throw pillows.

He had taken the time to clean the blood out of her hair while he cleaned her wound, but a cloth soaked in alcohol wasn’t exactly going to work on a pillow.

Typical. I go out for an evening of righting wrongs and I have to run into a girl from another dimension.

She manages to injure herself, because she’s clearly the clumsiest being in existence.

Chris, of course, dumps her on me…

And worse of all, I can’t reach the TV remote like this!

Slider pony girl is just going to have to go to her own apartment, and that is that.

“Can you walk?” Dan asked, irritated, as usual.

Pinkie, who was physically and mentally exhausted at this point, put on her best puppy dog face.

“Listen, that sad girl stuff might work on Chris, but not me. I’m not running a shelter for filthy and pathetic creatures, here.”

Mr. Mumbles walked into the room from the kitchen and mewed. Dan shot her a ‘you’re not helping’ look.

“But…” Pinkie started.

“Just answer my question. You have a place to stay that isn’t here, and I’ve had a looooong night. I’d rather not spend the rest of it explaining how forks work.”

 “I know what a fork…”

“I DON’T CARE WHAT UTENSILS YOU DO AND DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Dan roared.

“CAN…”

“…YOU…”

“…WALK!?”

Pinkie swallowed.

I don’t want to spend the night alone in this strange place.

There’s strange noises coming from everywhere!

It’s like someone is having a fireworks party without all the pretty explosions!

On the other hoof…HAND, Dan clearly isn’t in the mood to let me sleep here…

“I…I think…” Pinkie managed to stammer.

“Good.” Dan wasted no time getting one of Pinkie’s arms over his shoulders and stood up suddenly. Pinkie struggled to maintain balance as Dan grabbed her keys off the table and practically dragged her to the door.

“My…my bag…” Pinkie managed.

Dan grumbled a, “Grrrrrr” and held up Pinkie’s keys in front of her face.

Pinkie instinctively grabbed them with her mouth and Dan grabbed her bag, opened his door and walked bag and girl to the door.

“Unlock it,” He demanded.

Much to his surprise, Pinkie leaned down with the keys in her mouth and managed to unlock the door with a key clenched in her teeth.

Huh, guess there’s a lot of that going on in pony land without the use of hands.

Pinkie opened the door.

The place was sparsely furnished, smelled odd (though a bit more pleasant than Dan’s apartment), and was a bit untidy (again, not nearly as bad as Dan’s apartment).

The layout being a mirror of his own, Dan navigated Pinkie to the bed, and gracelessly deposited her and bag on it, and turned to walk out.

Pinkie started gently sobbing and Dan stopped dead in his tracks.

Well…if she stayed, I could at least change her bandage later and…

No.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I am NOT going to be swayed by the oldest trick in the book.

“Da…Dan?” Pinkie stammered, “I’m scared…”

…Or the second.

Dan turned around.

Despite only the street lights outside to illuminate them both, Pinkie’s flushed face contrasted strongly against the white bandage on her head. Tears streamed down her face at an impressive rate.

Dan sighed.

She can’t stay with me. There’s just no way I’m going to give in there…

…But I guess it won’t hurt to show some mercy…

…Much.

He wordlessly walked over, sat on the bed, undid Pinkie’s boot laces, and removed them as well as her soaked socks. Pinkie lifted up a foot into view, wiggling her toes and examining them for the first time.

Dan faced away from Pinkie as he sat on the edge of her bed. “Look, we are not friends. I don’t want to be your friend…but...” Dan sighed, knowing he would regret the next words out of his mouth, “…I am next door in case something bad happens.”

Pinkie was silent.

Dan stood up to leave, “And I mean life threateningly ‘bad’. Don’t come knocking just because you’ve had a bad dream or something. I swear,” Dan’s expression started shifting from regular mad, to eye twitching, teeth clenching, maddening mad, “if you wake me up in the middle of the night because you feel homesick, I will BURN everyth…” Dan heard the jingling of keys.

“Dan?”

“WHAT?”

“Catch.”

Dan turned in time to nab one of Pinkie’s keys she had lobbed at him.

He turned around and continued towards the door.

“…And thank you for saving me and taking care of me,” Pinkie added.

Dan opened the door and paused for a second, then walked forward closing the door behind him.

-ooooo-

Pinkie resumed her gentle sobbing. She was well past ‘laughing’ her fears away at this point.

I’ve been almost killed twice in two different dimensions in a matter of minutes from each other?! How the hay does that even happen?!

AND WHAT IN TARTARUS IS THAT NOISE OUTSIDE?!

It’s like somepony is having a crazy fire cracker party indoors.

Geez, even I know better than to do that…

…again.

How am I supposed to get some sleep like this?

Tears streamed down Pinkie’s face and soaked the pillow case underneath it.

My body is all achy, my head is all hurty…my heart is all hurty…and I just want to see my friends again!

“Pinkie?”

And now I’m hallucinating Twilight’s voice. Awesome sauce.

“Pinkie!”

Wow, I must have really hit my head a lot of times tonight…

“PIIIIIIINKIEEEEEE!”

Pinkie looked up and realized the sound was coming from her bag, she sat up, opened it, and noticed there was light emitting from the cracks between the closed compact mirror.

Hardly being able to contain herself, she opened the compact.

“EVERYPONY! YOU’RE ALL RIGHT!” Pinkie replied with a tearful, but exuberant smile.

Through the small mirror, she could make out all her friends that where with her at Rarity’s boutique, Princess Celestia, AND Princess Luna.

Yeesh, my friends had certainly pulled out all the stops to contact me.

It’s actually kinda embarrassing…

Her friends and the Princesses clearly where a bit surprised, however Spike and Twilight recovered quickly.

“Pinkie! You’re…human!”

“Yepper!” Pinkie pulled the mirror back to reveal more of her body and stretched her other arm behind her. This seemed to freak her audience out a bit more, however Spike took stock of everyone else’s expressions and started laughing.

Twilight took a quick glance at Spike, then back at Pinkie.

Well, I’ve dealt with humans before… Though, I expected her to be pinker and a little younger looking.

“Are you alright?” Twilight asked.

“I…” Pinkie felt the bandage on her head. “Well…”

Pinkie inhaled a large amount of air.

“…first this guy tried to attack me, but then this other guy saved me and then the first guy got hit by a carriage of some sort driven by guy and did I mention the guy who saved me was named Dan and the guy driving the carriage without ponies was named Chris? Anyhow, Dan put something in his mouth and set it on fire, but started coughing, then I helped him and thanked him and Chris but I don’t think Dan really liked me but Chris said I could come with them, so Dan set the guy who attacked me on fire again…Oh he did that when he saved me the first time, I don’t think I mentioned that…so anyway Dan let me come with them, then we went to this place called Burgerphile where…” Pinkie glanced at Fluttershy, “Uh…we had…”

“…”

“…food…”

“…”

“…from plants.”

“oh, and a milkshake! OH and I found all this neat stuff in my bag! We’ll have to figure out what it all does! But I got a camera! And I took a picture of Chris and Dan, and I think Dan is lactose intolerant because he seems to specifically hate dairy products amongst other things and then we left and we couldn’t go to Chris’s for reasons that sound really cryptic and a little explodey but he suggested I get a place next to Dan’s and Dan started laughing and we laughed for a really long time and then I got this place and there was this nice man who seemed to know I was a pony somehow, and OH! Dan figured out I was a pony because he’s really, really, REALLY, smart and I gave the man a bunch of money which I seem to have a lot of for some reason and he gave me some keys and I got really, really, really, REALLY, excited and told Dan, but fell down and hurt my head real bad, but Dan took care of me and dropped me off back here and said he didn’t want to be my friend but I know deep down he really WANTS another friend and he said I could ask for help if my life was in danger…”

“…”

“And then I heard my mirror talking, and that’s about it.”

The crowd’s expression seemed a bit more relieved. If there was any doubt they were talking to Pinkie Pie, it was gone now.

“Well…” Twilight continued, “sounds like you had quite the evening.”

“And quite the meal,” Spike added with a knowing grin.

Twilight shot him a quick scowl and elbowed him with one of her front legs. Spike let out an “Oof” but continued his grin.

“Oh, darling! We were ever so worried about you! Twilight sent word to the Princess who rushed from Canterlot to pick us up,” Rarity explained motioning at Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.

Celestia stepped forward. “Hello, Pinkie Pie. I trust you’re okay?”

“Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I‘m so happy to see all my friends are okay!”

Celestia closed her eyes and smiled. “Well, I’m happy we could put that fear to rest. My sister and I will leave you and your friends to catch up. We’ll continue trying to figure out how to get to you back.”

At that, Luna smiled and nodded as Celestia and she trotted out of the room.

“Oh, Twilight I KNEW you’d find a way!.. How are you guys talking to me, anyhow?”

Twilight smiled warmly, “Princess Celestia, Luna, and I all combined our magic to try to feel where you had been sent. We got a rough idea, but couldn’t figure out exactly where you where until…” Twilight motioned to Rarity, “Rarity joined in and pin-pointed exactly where you were.”

“That’s AMAZING Rarity!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Well, I’ve always had a horn for details,” Rarity said. “Anyhow, the three Princesses did the hard part,” she added, motioning to Twilight. “I had nothing to do with the mirror.”

Pinkie considered her own mirror in front of her, it was vibrating with speech every time somepony talked. “So you have a mirror over there, too?”

Must be a lotbigger than my teensy-weensy mirror if I can see everypony.

“Yep!” Twilight answered. “Once we figured out where you were the Princess and I worked to contact you using somewhat similar magic to the magic that transported me across dimensions,” Twilight frowned, “but we haven’t figured out how to actually transport you back yet.”

“That’s okay Twilight. You’re the smartest pony I know! You’ll figure it out,” Pinkie said enthusiastically. “So! What happened to those things that were after me?”

Rainbow Dash spoke up “They took one look at me, and decided they didn’t have a prayer then just took off!”

“Wowwie-zowwie, Rainbow Dash!”

Applejack rolled her eyes, “She means they jus’ took off. They jus’ sort uh disappeared right after you did.”

“I’m glad they did…they were scary.” Fluttershy added.

Pinkie thought for a second.

Geez-Louise!  I don’t know the first thing about those cloudy thingies except their scary sounding name of the ‘The Order Keepers’. Oooo! Also, they called me ‘The Warper’.

And why would they send me *here** and give me enough supplies to… “yawn” …supplies to…*

“Pinkie?”

“Oh, sorry Twilight. Looooong night.”

“I understand completely. Should we let you get some rest? We can keep the communication open indefinitely. Princess Luna and Celestia made it so the magic is fueled by the light of the sun and the moon. You’re safe where you’re at, right?”

“Yes,” Pinkie remembered Dan’s offer, “I am. Thanks, Twilight…everypony…I think…I think sleeps a good idea. Goodnight everypony.” Her friends waved and a chorus of goodnights rang out. Pinkie Pie closed her compact, laid down, hugged the compact around her chest, and shut her eyes. Finally feeling some degree of peace after everything that had happened.

-ooooo-

Dan pulled his ear from the wall. He WAS going to beat on it and yell at Pinkie to keep that obnoxious sobbing down. The same walls that offered little buffering against an amateur rock band also provided little muffling for sad sobbing, but he heard her and voices and decided it would be better to listen in.

Pinkie is easy enough to hear. No surprise there, but I wonder what her…uh…pony friends where saying.

So, something is after her?

Dan yawned, stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed. “Come on, Mr. Mumbles.”

His cat jumped onto the bed next to him and curled up.

Well…whatever is after her isn’t myproblem.

Dan suddenly remembered the last thing he said to Pinkie.

…At least…It betternot become my problem.

Dan turned out his light, and quickly fell asleep.

Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Van Nuys: Chapter 7 Dan Vs. …

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 1 Pinkie Vs. Van NuysChapter 7 Dan Vs. …-ooooooo-

Chris stifled a yawn and pulled into his driveway. He sighed looking up at the giant covering over his house, garage, and shed.

He wasn’t too perturbed by the idea that his domicile now resembled a giant circus tent, but the constant fear of being exposed to a lethal dose of radiation was starting to take its toll.

Chris climbed out of his car, walked to the back of his property, opened up a large zipper in the back revealing a clear box room with a hazmat suit in it. He stepped in the room, closed the zipper, and began putting the suit on. Once finished, he opened a clear door that led to his backyard. Through the clear plastic of the suit he viewed the flood lights and klaxons that now decorated his yard; making it feel more like a prison yard, or the site of a top-secret government dig site.

He trudged back around to the front of the house and tried to open the front door.

Locked…Of courseit’s locked…

He reached for his keys and felt protective layers against MORE protective layers. Much to his frustration, he had suited up with everything still in his pockets.

“Ahhh! Come on!” Chris shouted and mentally prepared himself to go back to the box room.

Suddenly, the door unlocked and opened.

“Hey, Chris,” his red haired wife greeted him, similarly dressed in a hazmat suite. “You suited up with your keys in your pockets, again, didn’t you?”

Chris laughed nervously and stepped inside his house.

Elise stood up on the tips of her toes, put her face plate against his and kissed her face plate, leaving a visible smooch mark on the inside. About the closest she could get to affection at the moment. “Did you have a nice time with Dan’s revenge scheme?”

Chris smiled through the clear plastic suit. “Dan and I stopped a mugger!” He said cheerfully.

“Really?” Elise asked with increased interest.

Any night these two don’t get arrested or end up on the news is a plus, but to think they actually accomplished some good…

 “Dan set him on fire and I hit him with the car!” Chris added with no small amount of pride in his voice.

Elise managed to keep her smile, but her eyes shifted to show some concern.

“Oh,” Chris added, “and we saved the poor girl that was being attacked!”

Elise’s expression softened, “That’s very nice, Chris. I’m sure she was very grateful.”

“Yep! We got her setup with the apartment next to Dan’s!”

Elise’s expression went serious, “…I thought you said you ‘saved’ her?”

“Haha,” Chris said as he rolled his eyes, “she practically begged to be next to Dan. She got her paperwork done, paid her deposit and first month’s rent, and got the keys right away.” Chris stared off into space, as little as he could before vision met clear plastic, and added, “She seems hell-bent on making friends with Dan. I said I’d stop by tomorrow to make sure she was okay.”

“Huh,” Elise uttered.

There's something very suspicious about all this...

”How would you describe her?” Elise asked cocking an eyebrow at her husband.

Chris attempted to rub his chin with his hand, but only succeeded in rubbing a gloved hand on the plastic in front of his face, “Hyper-active, nice, clumsy, and the most clueless person I have ever met.” Chris paused and made eye contact with his wife, “She’s about an inch shorter than you with long, pink, curly hair that billows out in all directions.”

Elise smiled, stood on her toes again, and patted the top of her husband’s suit, “You’ve been practicing what I told you about profiling, I see.”

Chris chuckled nervously.

Elise thought more about this.

Well, it doesn't really sound like the cover of someone trying to get close to a target.

“What was her name?” Elise asked.

“Pinkie”, Chris replied. He continued rubbing the clear plastic under his face and looked off as he tried to remember something. “Pinkamena Diane Pie,” he put on an ‘ah-ha’ face and pointed to the sky signifying the name had just come back to him.

“That’s a rather strange name,” Elise commented.

“Well, she’s a strange girl,” Chris replied.

“You say she paid for her apartment?”

“Yep!” Chris sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, local news popped on and started detailing a man who was picked up off the street with third degree burns and multiple broken bones. “Full in cash,” he added.

“That’s a lot of money to be walking around with.”

“Yeah, and she has a lot more. Dan and I still haven’t figured out where she got it all from,” Chris pondered this for a second. “She didn’t seem to know what it was even…Dan thinks she’s a talking horse from another dimension.”

Elise paused, she wasn’t sure how to respond to that. She decided some research was in order, “Oh, I just remembered! I need to double check on the plutonium!”

“That’s great, honey,” Chris said, plastering on a fake enthusiastic smile. “I think I’m going to grab my PJs, get changed in the box, then pray we don’t die before going to bed,” He said in a worried sort of mock attempt at his regular cadence.

Elise smiled, bent down, and planted another kiss on her face plate. “Don’t wait up,” she said sweetly.

Chris yawned, “I’m sure I can manage drifting into a radioactive zombie attack nightmare filled sleep all by myself.”

-ooooo-

Pinkie awoke as the first strands of sunlight entered her new apartment. The daylight didn’t exactly improve it. In fact, she could now fully appreciate how dingy it really was.

She walked towards the window and looked out.

At least it seems like it’s gonna be a nice day with no rain…

Huh, I wonder if they have flying humans that take care of the weather…

Still, not much to look at…these buildings are in desperate need of some color…like pink, or light red, or even fuchsia…

…Oooh, looky! Palm trees. Lots of palm trees!

Hmmm…

I really need to do something to thank Dan…

A gift? A cake? A party?

She heard a door open, followed by a familiar tone of grumbling.  She ducked low and glanced outside, as Dan walked by. She fought the initial urge to run out and greet him.

He doesn’t look like much of a morning person…and he really doesn’t need morereasons to be mad at me…

She looked up as he walked by.

Dan turned and faced her window and, just as quick, Pinkie ducked out of sight.

Dan’s eyebrow twitched and he turned around and continued his walk, down the stairs and towards his red hatchback.

Pinkie discreetly watched from her window as Dan opened one of his backseat doors, looked inside, let out an angry and frustrated cry, slammed it shut, and turned around back towards the apartment.

Pinkie let out an audible “Hmmmmmmm…” and stroked her chin.

As Dan walked back up, he glanced at her window, and Pinkie ducked down again.

Dan silently walked up, cupped his hands around his eyes and attempted to peer in.

Pinkie cupped her hands over her mouth and kept silent, sweating slightly.

Alright, be cool Pinkie Pie…if he catches you spying on him he’s definitely going to yell at you…

Dan shook his head, let out an exasperated sigh, and walked back to his apartment, closing the door hard behind him.

Pinkie stood back up and stared at Dan’s car. Her lips slowly curled up into a smile which grew into a full toothed grin.

I have an idea…

-ooooo-

Chris walked up the stairs to Pinkie’s and Dan’s apartments. Elise had insisted he go out and visit Pinkie nice and early, and even went so far as to prepare a set of his standard outfit for him.  Chris was just happy to be out of his hazmat suit. Elise said she’d be finished soon, at least.

Chris walked past Pinkie’s door on the way to Dan’s but stopped when he heard her voice.

Huh, maybe she’s on the phone?

Chris rapped a few times on Pinkie’s door.

He heard a, “Gotta go!”, a loud thump, and a rapid peter-patter of legs and arms propelling a body across the carpet. Pinkie opened the door, still on her knees.

Pinkie sprung to her feat. “Hiya, Chris!” she said in a tone of unbridled cheerfulness. Her bandage was worse for wear, and she was still covered in bruises, but she seemed even happier and more energetic compared to the night prior.

“Hiya, Pinkie!” Chris echoed. “Dan kicked you out, huh?”

“Oh, it’s okay,” Pinkie said glancing at Dan’s door. “It was asking a bit much that I stay with him. He did say I could get his help if something ‘bad’ happened,” she said with a humongous grin.

“Reeaaally?” Chris purred sending a bemused look at Dan’s door.

Just then Dan’s door slammed opened, revealing a red eyed, angry looking Dan. “Chris! I need my flyers. I think they’re still in your car.”

“DAN!” Pinkie said enthusiastically throwing her arms around his neck, pulling her camera out of seemingly nowhere, and snapping a photo while Dan angrily shouted in her ear.

Dan squirmed out of Pinkie’s grasp as she giggled with closed eyes and put her hands behind her back.

“Good morning to you, too, Dan,” Chris said flatly.

“Do you have ANY idea of what time it is?!” Dan screamed in frustration at Pinkie.

“I most certainly don’t!” Pinkie answered helpfully.

“It’s 9:30, Dan,” Chris answered, his voice still flat.

“IT’S 9…” Dan glared at Chris and then turned back to Pinkie. “IT’S TOO DAMN EARLY FOR ALL THIS HUGGY NONSENSE.” Dan turned back to Chris, his expression still enraged. “KEYS! NOW!”

Chris sighed and handed Dan his keys as Dan trudged down the stairs towards Chris’s car.

Pinkie leaned in close to Chris. “Chris, I need your help, but I want it to be a surprise for Dan. Is there a craft store and someplace I can get a photo developed around here?” she whispered into the tall man’s ear.

“Of course Pinkie. It’s kind of early for Dan, anyways,” Chris looked down at his friend who was in the process of retrieving his flyers.

Pinkie steepled her fingers in front of her face. “Perfect. Steps 1 and 2 complete…” she mumbled to herself. “Oh, almost forgot!" Pinkie rushed back inside and closed her door behind her.

Dan trudged back up the stairs, a stack of fliers in hand.

“Just what are you two scheming anyway?” Dan asked as he narrowed suspicious looking eyes at Chris.

“Heck if I know," Chris replied. He quickly put back on a smile and changed the subject, “Hey! Wanna grab lunch with us later? It’s a beautiful day, and I’m sure Pinkie would love to help put up your fliers.”

“No! You’re dead to me, and I hate her. ‘Operation Apostrophe Annihilation’ will continue without you.”

Pinkie threw open her door holding her bag, now wearing her boots that looked like they were laced by a first grader who attempted tying them while rolling uncontrolled down a rocky-hillside, “READY!” Pinkie said enthusiastically.

Dan looked her up and down as if seeing her for the first time this morning.

Of course she can’t tie shoes worth anything…

…And that bandage looks like wandered off the set of a Zombie apocalypse movie…

“Walking corpse,” Dan said glancing at Chris, “wait here.”

Pinkie let out a little, “Eeep” as Dan grabbed her by the hand, dragged her into his apartment and shut the door, locking it behind him.

Chris walked up to the door with a  look of concern.

There was an apology, some yelling, more apologies, more yelling, some shrieking…

“Dan?” Chris called in concerned.

...the sound of a startled cat, Dan moaning “WHY!?”, some giggling, MORE shrieking, the sound of something crashing…

“DAN! Open the DOOR!” Chris tried the locked knob and banged on the door a few times.

…some muffled sobbing, some grumbling, more apologies…

“Dan! I SWEAR I will break down this door if you’ve…”

The door flew open and Pinkie stumbled into Chris’s chest who steadied the dizzy girl.

“YOU’RE WELCOME!” Dan shouted from the open doorway, pushing Pinkie’s pink bag outside and slamming the door.

Pinkie shook her head as if clearing it, felt the fresh bandage, and looked down at her properly tied boots. She reached down and grabbed her bag, looked up with a huge smile and shouted, “THANK YOU!” at the closed door.

Chris just looked at the door with a blank expression.

“Let’s go!” Pinkie said, her voice overflowing with enthusiasm. Chris followed close behind.

“WhaaaaAAAAA!” Pinkie exclaimed in surprise as she attempted stairs as a human for the first time. Lucky for her, Chris grabbed ahold of her arm before she could tumble all the way down. Pinkie steadied herself on the rail and looked up with an embarrassed expression. “Thank you Chris…could you ummm…” Pinkie smiled meekly “…help me down the stairs?”

“Sure Pinkie,” Chris replied with a smile.

Pinkie steadied herself by wrapping an arm around Chris’s torso and grabbing the rail in the other, carefully, the two made it down the stairs and towards the car.

Pinkie stood in front of the same door she was using last night.

Chris opened his door and unlocked the car, “You can ride shotgun, if you like.”

Pinkie stared at him blankly.

“Erm…”, Chris motioned to the passenger seat.

Pinkie gasped, “But I thought that was Dan’s seat?”

Chris smiled warmly, “He’s not here right now. Besides, he usually has to sit in back if Elise is with us.”

“Oh! Who’s Elise?” Pinkie asked excitedly, walking over to the passenger seat.

Pinkie and Chris entered the car and buckled up, Pinkie still smiling to herself every time she successfully got her seatbelt buckled. “Oh right! I haven’t told you about my wife…”

-o-

Dan watched as Chris’s car pulled out and into traffic, he grumbled and felt the fresh Mr. Mumbles scratches on his face.

He turned back to his bed, fell face first on it, and soon was snoring away once more.

He awoke to an enthusiastic knock on the door.

What isshe? Punishment from God?

He rose to his feet, grumbled, and looked at the clock by his bed. 1 o’clock.

Well, at least it’s now a time when civilized people are up and about.

He opened the door to be greeted by Pinkie’s beaming face, smudged with pink paint.

Pinkie spit out a paint brush with a similar shade of pink she was holding in her teeth and greeted Dan with her renewed zeal.

“Hiya, Dan! Did you get enough sleep?! Huh? Didja, didja, didja?!”

“Ulg,” Dan grunted in reply, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, “what do you want, pink girl?”

“I wanted to thank you and Chris by treating you to lunch! Chris says there’s this place called ‘Lenny’s’ down the street. Oh, please say you’ll come, please, please, pleeeeaaase!?” Pinkie cupped her hands, brought them up to her cheek, and tilted her head, so she was now looking up at Dan with her big, toothy grin.

Dan’s stomached growled in response, Pinkie stood up straight, closing her eyes and smiling wider while keeping her cupped hand by her cheek.

Dan grimaced in response, narrowed his eyes and said, “No,” he softened his tone to something a little more even for a change, “but please choke on something and die at your meal…” he said with a smile, holding a finger up. “Oh!” Dan leveled his finger at Pinkie, “And tell Chris to do the same.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie! Well, you know where to find us if you want to come and mock our corpses!” Pinkie added with a smile. Pinkie bounded off, almost slipped down the stairs, caught herself on the rail, and slowly made her way down to Chris’s car.

“He said 'no', huh?” Chris asked as Pinkie sat down in the passenger seat and happily buckled up.

“He asked that we both choke and die on our meals,” Pinkie said, still smiling.

“Sounds about right.”

“He’ll come around!” Pinkie insisted. “Do you think he’ll be surprised? Doya, doya?” she asked, looking over her shoulder.

“Ooooh, He’ll be surprised, alright,” Chris said with a knowing, mischievous grin.

-o-

Dan watched the blue car pull away for the second time that day.

Whatever, I have a war to fight. Lousy deserter Chris…

He grabbed his fliers and walked out the door, shielding his eyes from the sun with a, “Grrrr”.

His eyes opened wide and he gasped.

“My car!” he exclaimed, crouching next to it, and seeing that his red hatchback had been turned pink.

“Bedazzled!” he hissed at the colorful, plastic jewels arranged in the shapes of hearts on the side of his car.

 His face turned red with anger.

Oh, that’s the last straw.

IT

IS

ON!

Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

PIIIIIIIINKKIIIIIEEEEE PIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!Dan Vs.Pinkie Pie

End Part 1.

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 9 Chris Vs. Boredom

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie PieChapter 9 Chris Vs. Boredom-ooooooo-

Elise clawed at the headset on her ears in frustration. A useless gesture since she was still fully suited up in her Hazmat suit.

What the heckwas that?!

Elise sighed, her theory pretty much a smoking ruin at this point. She had bugged Chris’s clothing before he left this morning. A small wireless microphone and a much larger receiver and transmitter planted in the car made spying on him, or more importantly, those around him, rather easy.

‘Pinkie Pie’ and her sudden arrival is suspicious, that’s for sure. If she wanted to harm Dan, she could have done it easily by now.

She could be after me…wouldn’t be the first time an enemy agent targeted me.

Still, if she wanted me dead, she probably would have done it, already. I mean, in this scenario she’s already got enough intel to befriend Chris. She could’ve  discreetly used him to get close enough to me to steal something…

Though, ‘discreet’ doesn’t seem to be in her vocabulary. Not after she made such a mess at ‘Lenny’s’, I can’t even believe she’s a spy at this point…

…

Oh well. It’s actually a relief going back to thinking no enemy agencies knew enough about me to also know about Chris.

She turned back to the device with the large radioactive symbol printed on it. Maybe she could finish early enough to invite everyone for a late dinner and she could see for herself what this Pinkie was like.

-ooooo-

Chris rested his chin on his hand with a bored expression plastered across his face, his body slouching on a bench.

His silent prayer that the day return to some degree of normalcy had been answered, but…

Well…

Be careful of what you wish for.

…

WHY?

WHY, GOD, WHY?!

Pinkie emerged from the dressing rooms wearing a light pink raglan with slightly darker pink sleeves, loose, blue suspenders hanging over dark pink shorts with light pink highlights, yellow-and-blue striped stockings and red sneakers.

“How does this look, Chris?” Pinkie asked, blue eyes beaming with a smile to match all framed by curly pink hair and a white bandage across her forehead.

Chris plastered on a fake smile, “It looks great, Pinkie!”

Pinkie brought her clenched hands together in under her chin with a huge smile, turned back into the dressing room, and bounded out of site.

Chris heard a startled “Whaaah”, a crash, and a familiar “I’m ooooookaaaay.”

…Please God.

ANYTHING!

ANYONE!

Just SAVE me from…

Chris’s phone rang and in a flash he clicked the “Talk” icon and held his phone up to his ear.

“DAN! Thank GOD you called.”

There was a pause.

“Chris, please.” Dan requested, not used to an enthusiastic Chris on the other line.

“Haha”, Chris said sarcastically. “You’ve GOT to help me! She’s taken me…” Chris brought the phone in extra close, put on a panicked expression, and whispered into the phone. “…clothes shopping.”

Pinkie appeared once more, while Chris instinctively put back on his mask of enjoyment.

“And this?” Pinkie asked. This time in a simple pink and red floral design shirt and cutoff jeans.

“It looks great, Pinkie!” He said, perfectly matching tone and cadence of his last “It looks great, Pinkie!”, and the one before that, and the one before that…

…and the one before that.

Pinkie smiled wide, and trotted back out of sight.

“Chris? Stay with me, buddy. We’re going to get through this together.” Dan said, a touch of concern in his voice. “Anyhow,” Dan added, “She needs a new outfit. She dresses like a high schooler who escaped from a school where everyone is forced to wear colorful clothing at gunpoint.”

“She’s not getting ‘a new outfit’, Dan! She’s getting…” Chris brought the phone in extra close, put on a panicked expression, and whispered into the phone, his voice little more than a raspy, hollow version, of his old voice, once so full of hope and life “…a collection of outfits.” Chris’s voice broke into quiet, muffled, sobs.

“You mean a ‘collection of a single outfit’, right?” Dan asked in disbelief.

“N….na…no…” Chris whispered in his low, hollow voice. “She’s getting…” Chris started tearing up"…getting…”Chris swallowed hard “…more than one outfit.”

Pinkie Pie appeared again.

“Chris! Chris! How’s this one look?”

“It looks great, Pinkie!”

“…you didn’t actually look up.”

Through chipping away at his expression like a stone cutter chipping at granite, Chris’s expression changed to a tortured smile and he looked up.

Pinkie was wearing a simple pink dress, a denim jacket, and some blue flats.

“It looks great, Pinkie!”

“Awww, thanks!” Pinkie said smiling, bounding off to the back again.

“Help me Dan…help me!”

“Stay with me buddy, I’ll find you. Which store are you in.”

“Boredstrom’s,” Chris said, a hint of his old tone in his voice.

There was a sound of laughter on the other end. “Niiiice one buddy. I think that deserves an ‘oh, snap!’”

Some color returned to Chris’s fate. “Dan, I’m trying to use humor to keep my spirits up, but I’m breaking. God help me, I’m breaking!”

“I’ll be there shortly,” Dan said.

“Let me guess,” Chris said, “You need to beat up someone who works at the mall and wear their clothing so you can discreetly keep an eye on ‘Pinkie Pie’ for your revenge scheme?” Chris said, his voice returning to his normal ‘annoyed with Dan’ tone.”

“…You are so juvenile, you know that?” Dan answered. “She invited me here! Why would I need to disguise myself if she asked me to come?”

Chris brought his palm up to his face and dragged it downwards. “Riiiiight. What was I thinking? So you’re giving up on vengeance then?”

“NEVER! I’ve just decided to call a little truce for now, that’s all.”

“Dan, I really think you should just give…”

Pinkie popped into view again, wearing a red and white striped, long-sleeved shirt, short denim shorts, and pink sneakers.

“Ooooh, Chriiiiiisss~” She called.

“It looks great, Pinkie!” Chris said, his tone rampaging like a wild animal, neck violently spasming with every word.

Pinkie giggled, and bounded back to the dressing room with a “tr la la la la”.

Chris huddled over his phone, violently shaking. “Dan?” he said in a voice of pure, unadulterated terror, “What if she starts changing her outfit every year…WHAT IF SHE CHANGES HER OUTFIT EVERY MONTH!?” Panic gripped Chris’s heart like the reaper plucking a soul from the mortal coil. He murmured into the phone, “It’s too late for me, buddy. Tell my wife I love her…and ice cream…but mostly her.” Chris spun around to find the nearest window to throw himself out of, but something caught his eye.

Dan was standing a few feet in front of him.

Chris terminated the call. “How long have you been there?” he asked flatly.

Dan looked up to the ceiling for a second, tapping his chin with his index finger. “‘What was I thinking?’” he answered, returning his gaze to Chris.

“What took you so long, anyways?” Chris demanded, angrily leveling a finger at Dan.

“I had to find your car, and…why am I on trial here?!” Dan asked, agitated.

“Sorry Dan.” Chris’s voice softened to an even tone. “Can you blame me? I’ve been stuck here in the Twilight Zone where picking out outfits”--Chris stressed the ‘s’ as hard as he could—“is a thing, plus there was the whole ordeal at ‘Lenny’s’.”

Dan’s smile grew wide, “Which I had nothing to do with! Wasn’t it great?”

“But you…” Chris paused. Dan was right. Dan’s only oddball behavior was assaulting a mascot a few blocks away and showing up dressed in formal wear.

For once, there was a commotion that Dan had nothing to do with.

Pinkie had singlehandedly caused three separate incidents at the restaurant ending with the three of them fleeing the scene of the crime.

That’s it.

She is the antilife.

She will consume this planet in Hellfire and we are all doomed to dance her twisted dance to her off-beat drum until she tires of us!

I need an escape.

I need an out.

Pinkie popped into view wearing a short sleeved button-up white shirt covered by a blue sweater vest, cut-off jeans, rainbow colored leg warmers, and red flats.

 “OK, now be honest, I have a goo…DAN!” Pinkie took a running jump and tackle-hugged Dan to the ground, whose back responded with a crack and whose voice responded with a “Ghhak!”

Chris couldn’t take it. He turned and fled to the window. The closer he got to the window, the freer he felt. The world outside shone like the brightest freedom he had never known. A comfort beyond this dingy world with its girls who purchase multiple ensembles and attack waitresses with sugary, syrupy beverages. His expression changed to that of serene joy.

He didn’t belong to the world anymore.

He belonged to the world of light.

This thin sheet of glass…nay…this tall, pudgy body would not trap his soul any longer.

He leapt.

Leapt into the open, outstretched arms of pure freedom and bliss.

Glass shattered around him, catching rays of sunlight that hit him from all angles. Turning the world into thousands and thousands points of light.

As he the ground rushed to meet him, his last thoughts were…

I’m finally home.

-o-

 “Uhhhh…” Pinkie looked down at Chris who had curled into the fetal position on the carpet, started staring blankly into space and chanting “Pink, fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows!” over and over again with a twisted smile on his face.

“Is he okay?” Pinkie asked Dan with concern.

Dan lifted his foot and poked Chris with the point of his shoe.

Chris simply rocked back in forth in response.

Dan shrugged. “He’ll be fine.” he answered. He looked back up at Pinkie and smiled. “You look great, by the way!”

“REALLY?!” Pinkie said, her face lit up with a shining smile.

“Really, really.” Dan answered. “Professional looking from the waist up, but fun and quirky going the other direction,”

Pinkie beamed.

“…But if you tell anyone I just made a Shrek reference, I’ll suffocate you in your sleep.” Dan added informatively.

“What’s a ‘Shrek’?”

“Never mind.” Dan rocked back and forth on his heels. “Any more?”

“Nope!” Pinkie said, shaking her head. “All done-runnery-run!”

Chris suddenly came to his senses, sprung to his feat “Oh, COME ON!” He said throwing both his hands out in a Pinkie Pieish direction.

“Chris buddy! So nice of you to join us!” Dan said, happily.

“Yeah…I kinda went somewhere for a moment…” Chris said, his sentence and vision trailing off into space.

“Yes, that was very rude,” Dan said sternly.

“You feeling alright, Chris?” Pinkie inquired with a touch of concern in her voice.

“FINE!” Chris insisted sharply, his head twitching slightly. “Everything is just fine!” He forced a smile to grow on his face like mold slowly gaining a foothold on a loaf of bread.

Pinkie smiled, relieved. “Okie-dokie-lokie! Let me just change back into what I was…”

Chris slowly turned his head to look out the window, the light shining through it seductively.

Dan put his hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “I think you should just wear this out of the store.” he said with a smile.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Chris thanked God, any other deities listening, and just the universe in general that Dan existed.

“You can DO that?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

Dan patted Pinkie’s back for store tags. With a little “Eek” from Pinkie, pulled each one off her clothing, and handed her the little pile of cardboard slips.

Pinkie graciously took the pile. “Thank you, Dan.” she said happily. “Oh!” Pinkie Pie wiped out her camera, scotched close into Dan and snapped a photo of the two, Dan actually cracking a smile for the camera.

“Welp! I guess I should go pay, then.” Pinkie said, motioning to two shopping carts full of shirts, skirts, dresses, socks, shoes, etc…

Dan looked amazed. “You’re buying all this?”

“Yep…why? Is there something wrong with that?” Pinkie asked, wondering if she was unwittingly committing some strange form of taboo on this world.

Chris bended down and whispered in Dan’s ear, “She’ll be the end of us all, she’s the seventh seal. She has become death, destroyer of worlds.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Time.” he said, putting his arms around Chris and walking him a few feet further from Pinkie Pie.

Chris blinked. “What?”

“J. Robert Oppenheimer mistranslated the line. It’s more accurate to say ‘time’ instead of ‘death.’” Dan sad informatively, but annoyed.

Chris stood up. “No kidding..? What was he quoting?”

Dan threw his hands up in the air, “I DON’T KNOW! Some Indian rock band, or something…Look…” Dan said, abruptly changing the subject. “…You want to get out of this alive, right?”

Chris glanced at the window and started sweating profusely. “Yes. That is a thing I would like very much.”

“Good,” Dan replied. He pointed towards the mall entrance of the store. “See that caramel corn stand?”

“Yes, I see it,” Chris replied.

Dan grabbed Chris by both shoulders and pulled him closer to his face, making sure Chris’s undivided attention was on him.

“You’re going to go over there, buy two bags of caramel corn, meet us at the register, and give one of the bags to me,” Dan said.

“And the caramel corn will keep us alive?!”  Chris said, smiling, hope finally reentering the fragmented shell he called ‘existence’.

“I guarantee it, buddy,” Dan said encouragingly.

Chris stood up. “Bless you Dan.” he said, turning towards the caramel corn shop, tears in his eyes. “Bless you,” he added with a whisper.

Dan turned back to look at Pinkie, who seemed pensive as she absentmindedly played with the hem of her shirt. A sign Dan was starting to recognize as her ‘I’m not sure what I should be doing now’ move.

 “Here,” Dan said, going up to one of the carts, “let me help you bring this to the register.”

Pinkie’s smile returned as quickly as it left, and she led the way to the nearest register.

A blond, light-skinned, female cashier looked up at the two carts presented in front of her. “I...I…”she stammered. “M…Miss, are you buying all this?”

“Yepie-depie-lepie!” Pinke answered enthusiastically.

“Early Christmas shopping?”

“What’s ‘Christmas’?”

“Hanukah.”

“What’s ‘Hanukah’?”

The cashier looked Pinkie up and down. It was a long shot, but…

“Kwanzaa?” The cashier asked, gulping.

“What’s…”

Dan interrupted, putting a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder and motioning to her with his other hand, “My friend here would like to purchase all these clothes for herself…to wear.”

“Did you just call me ‘friend’?” Pinkie said, a hopeful look on her face, her heart skipping a beat.

The cashier froze in place, looking at the cart Pinkie had pushed up.

“Yeah, but don’t let it go to your head, or I’ll have to demote you to ‘associate’,” Dan said with a wry grin.

Pinkie enthusiastically shook her head. “I won’t, Dan!”

Dan looked back at the cashier, “Clothes! Scan, NOW!”

 “I…yes…of course sir…ma’am. Right away.”

The cashier began scanning items, breaking into sobs that wracked her body by the time she rung up enough clothing to make three different outfits.

“Cindy?” a dark complexioned man called from a few isles down. He approached the register.

“Oh, Robert! This woman is purchasing all this clothing….FOR HERSELF!”

“What?! But…”

“Dan, if I’m doing something wrong….”

“NO!” Dan insisted, “You are the customer and the customer is always right. You have every right to buy this clothing!” Dan looked at the cashiers. “Doesn’t she?”

Robert stood up straight. “Yes. Yes you’re right. It’s our duty as cashiers to make sure she’s happy with her purchase.”

Chris returned with two huge bags of caramel corn.

“Chris! Perfect timing! It’s starting to get good!”

Chris looked over the mounds of clothing still needing to be purchased, stuck a hand into his bag of caramel corn, and shoved a giant handful into his mouth.

“Oh, Robert!” Cindy said, embracing Robert tightly, one foot in the air. “You’ve restored my drive as a clothing store cashier.”

“Yes Cindy.” Robert said, smiling warmly. “Let’s ring her up, together.”

The couple managed to scan all the items, slowly losing their pace, buckling under the mental strain of the concept of a girl who would wear more than a single outfit, but they reached the end. They had…

Dan chewed a mouthful of caramel corn, and pushed up the second cart. “This one, too.”

Little by little, a crowd of store employees and customers, most of whom with stacks and stacks of identical articles of clothing, gathered around the scene in front of them.

Robert broke down into a heap of tears, “I can’t do it. I can’t go on. I just can’t.”

Pinkie’s lower lip quibbled. “I can put stuff back, if…”

“NO!” Dan insisted, putting an arm around the slightly taller woman’s shoulders. He looked back to the cashiers. “This woman can purchase anything she wants, HOW she wants. It’s not up to us to dictate how she can and can’t buy her clothing.”

Cindy embraced Robert tightly. “Come on Robert!” she said through, sobs of her own. “It’s you and me against the world. We’ll get through this together, or die trying.”

Robert broke into tortured wailing, “I’M SORRY, CINDY! I CAN’T BE THE MAN YOU NEED ME TO BE!”

“What in Sam Hill is going on here?!” A muscular man with brown, slicked back hair, a mustache, wearing a white shirt and a black tie and a name tag that said ‘Frank’ walked up.

“Ah, good day sir.” Dan said politely, handing his bag of caramel corn to Pinkie, who took a few handfuls in to her mouth.

“Hmmmmm! Tasty!” Pinkie said, enjoying the sugary snack.

Chris was already halfway through his own bag, eating at a fevered pace.

“My friend here would like to purchase all this clothing.” Dan said, motioning to the items scanned and bagged and the items in cart #2. “To wear…for herself.”

Cindy and Robert broke into a heap of tears and clung to each other desperately.

Frank put his, big, stern hands on their shoulders.

“Take a break you, two. You’ve done enough.”

Robert and Cindy looked up. “But…SIR..!” Robert began.

Frank shook his head from side to side. “I’m sorry solider. Training…” he trailed off for a second, picking his word. “Training doesn’t always prepare us for the real world, and sometimes even surviving multiple ‘Black Fridays’ isn’t enough when all we thought we knew about the world is called into question.” Frank sighed, his heavy shoulders heaving as if taking the weight of the world on them. “Take a break.”

Cindy and Robert looked at each other, exchanged a longing glance, and stood up.

“No sir.” Robert said, defiantly.

“I SAID TAKE A BREAK, SOLDIER! THAT’S AN ORDER!”

Cindy spoke up, “We can’t sir. We can’t have our love tarnished knowing we left you to die at the register.” Cindy took a shirt…

…AND SCANNED IT.

Pinkie and Dan where now freely sharing a bag of caramel corn, she leaned closer to Dan and whispered “This is getting REALLY good!” Pointing to the cashiers.

Dan smiled, and took another handful of caramel corn.

Frank teared up a bit, and patted both cashiers on the shoulder.

“You two are the best soldiers I’ve ever had in my command. Alright, we fight together, we DIE together. If we don’t make it through this, I’ll see you both in Raghalla.”

There was cheers and crying from the crowd, the manager and his two cashiers fought bravely, scanning item after item, removing hangers, and security tags. A seemingly endless pile of clothing stood against them, but at the end of the day, the clothes where found wanting, and conveniently bagged for taking to the car.

“Anything else, miss?” Frank asked, exhausted, out of breath, but alive, so very alive.

“OH!” Pinkie exclaimed looking down at her cart. She reached down and produced a sizeable pile of colorful fashion jewelry. “This, too! It’ll be great to accessorize.”

The crowd gasped.

Robert cracked. “NO! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” He sprinted to the window, and threw his body through it with a blood curdling scream, the sound of shattering glass cutting deeply into the tense air.

Cindy fell under the onslaught as well. “No Robert! TAKE ME WITH YOU!” Cindy cried, diving through the hole Robert had left in the window. A hole she couldn’t bear to have in her heart.

Pinkie Pie turned to the broken window shocked. “Maybe I should just go…”she started.

Dan opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced by Frank putting a large, stubby finger within a few inches of Dan’s mouth.

“No.” Frank said, looking at Pinkie. “They were good soldiers, the BEST even, but they knew the risks when they enlisted.” Frank looked back at his staff who had started to cry at the tragic loss of their co-workers. “We hold the line here. We will NOT let Cindy and Robert die in vain! Are you with me?”

A dark complexioned woman with brown, curly hair stepped up. “Do the job, sir.”

Frank, began ringing bracelets, necklaces, rings with hearts on them, and items of all different shapes in colors. Other employees would walk up to bag, some falling in duty and being dragged off to the side, only to be replaced by the next worker.

Eventually, the jewelry was all bagged, and added to the carts with the other articles of clothing.

Frank, huffed, his mouth dry, his muscles aching. “Any…anything, else?” he asked.

“Nopie-dopie-dope!” Pinkie happily produced her wallet. “OH! I almost forgot.”

Dan and Chris inhaled handfuls of caramel corn, their eyes transfixed on the drama in front of them.

Pinkie produced a small collection of store tags. “These are what I’m wearing now!”

Frank looked at them in shook. “That’s…that’s not what you were wearing when you first got dressed, today?”

“Nope! Dan said it looked so good I should just wear it out of the store!” Pinkie said sweetly. “Good thing, too! I was starting to get tired of wearing the same thing I was wearing last night.”

In the crowd, people fainted, screamed, and rushed children towards emergency exits, pushing each other in an effort to get away. Clothing displays tumbled, mannequins fell to the ground…

Pinkie stared confusedly at the carnage unfolding in front of her.

Dan and Chris devoured their caramel corn.

Frank threw up his arms for silence. “HOLD RANKS!” he yelled in a booming voice. His retail store workers, the ones still standing, obediently complied.

“And how often are you going to wear something new? Yearly...” he gulped, his grim face darkened by the horrors he had witnessed that day… “Monthly?”

Pinkie Pie giggled, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!”

Frank’s expression softened.

“I’ll probably pick something new every day!”

Panicked screaming gripped the ranks, but against all odds, with a scream of “I SAID HOLD THE RANKS.” The line held.

“DAN!” Chris said in a panicked desperation, “I’m out of popcorn!”

Dan handed Chris what was left of his bag. “Hang in there buddy.” Dan said reassuringly. “We’re almost through this.”

Chris took the bag of caramel corn and buried his head in it as if he was eating from a feed bag.

Pinkie’s eyes confusingly darted from side to side… “So…how much?” She said, holding up her wallet.

Frank reached down and clasped Pinkie’s hands over her wallet, he looked deep into her blue eyes, the color of the sky, the color of the heavens, and said, “Nothing. The clothes are yours. Keep them and…remember us…remember how bravely we fought.”

“Ummm…thanks? And…sure?” Pinkie said, having lost complete track of anything that was going on at this point.

Frank turned to his troops. “I’m sorry, but…it’s over. In our hubris we thought we could play with the gods’ fire. But we got burnt.” Workers at the store began to weep openly. “We all have told our little lies to ourselves, that we weren’t doing anything wrong, that WE were simply catering to as many people as possible, but this woman…no, ANGEL has come to show us our folly. We were fools.  Prideful, sinful fools to think we could control what we had unleashed on the world.” Frank wiped a tear from his eye.

“Burn it down.”

“Burn it all down.”

“Don’t let our mistake corrupt the world. We opened Pandora’s Box, we can’t close it…but maybe we can just hold it back…even for just a little while.”

Pinkie leaned in close to Dan. “Dan…can you help explain what’s going on? I’m really starting to freak out and…”

Frank put his, large, heavy hands on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Go. Don’t you understand? You’re our ‘hope’. Take your bounty of apparel and leave us to our fate.” Frank began to weep openly, “I’m sorry but…erm…”

“Pinkie Pie.”

“…Pinkie Pie. Yes, of course, such a…heavenly name.” The screams and flames behind Frank rose high, beginning to consume everything. “I’m sorry but…we’re not ready to live in the glorious world you do. We’re not worthy. But…thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it with us.”

“Yoooou’re…welcome?” Pinkie said with a confused smile.

Frank felt his heart melt with Pinkie’s words.

Maybe there is still a spot for me in heaven after all…

Frank turned to the roaring fire, and walked into the flames.

Never to be seen or heard from again.

“Dan…Did that man just…”

Chris had finished the caramel corn from the bag and was now desperately trying to lick any sugary residue left inside.

“Yeah, we should probably go…” Dan said pushing a cart with one hand and grabbing Chris with the other.

Pinkie grabbed the other cart and exited the store, the three putting some distance between them and the blaze, the firefighters, and the mass of onlookers.

Pinkie’s heart felt very heavy in her chest as she desperately tried to comprehend what had just taken place. Tears welled up in her eyes and she felt she would collapse into a bottomless pit of tears and sadness.

Dan put his hands on her shoulders and got her to make eye contact with him. “Don’t cry Pinkie. If it makes you feel better, stuff like this happens all the time when Chris and I go to the mall.”

Pinkie held the dam of tears and sadness at bay. “Really?”

“WHAT?! No Dan, no it does…” Chris stopped himself, thought for a second, remembering Christmases working with Dan, and just trips to buy a few things. He sighed slouching his shoulders and plastered an ‘I give up’ expression on his face. “Actually, yes, Pinkie. Something like this pretty much happens every time Dan and I go to the mall.”

Pinkie Pie wiped her tears, and resurrected a smile onto her face.

She did, in fact, feel a little better.

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 11 Chris Vs. Elise

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie PieChapter 11 Chris Vs. Elise-oooooo-

Pinkie silently looked out the passenger window into the dwindling day, the shadows of palm trees and buildings washing over her distant expression and slumped shoulders. Dan’s sudden and unexpected decision to head home still weighing heavily on her mind.

We had fun right...? I mean…minus all the unintended carnage… Actually Dan seemed to enjoy that more than anything. So, why…

Pinkie sighed and continued to look out the window.

Chris drove silently as well, searching for something to say.

Not only was Pinkie being uncharacteristically quiet, he noted she had buckled up without the little fanfare that tended to accompany the accomplishment.

He thought for a little bit then broke the silence. “I think you’ll really like Elise,” he said with a hopeful grin.

Pinkie turned her head and smiled. At least I’ll get to make another new friend.

“I know I will, Chris. Making new friends is the best…” Pinkie trailed off as she remembered something. “Sooo, Elise is done with her platuniwatsit?”

“Yep!” Chris said, his voice perking up a bit. “It’s been picked up and our house is back to normal.”

“It must be interesting with your wife bringing home all sorts of neat projects,” Pinkie said, shifting her body to face Chris better.

Chris laughed nervously. “Well, ‘interesting’ isn’t the word I’d use most the time.”

Pinkie cupped her hands together. “What word would you use? Fascinating? Fantastical? Far-out? Fabulous? Oooo! Ooooo! Fun?”

Chris looked forward, staring at the road. “More like frightening…actually, no, that’s not strong enough, terrifying.” He responded, the humor having left his voice.

“I seee…” Pinkie said, unsure of how to respond.

“Also, inconvenient…usually both.” Chris’s eyes narrowed.

Pinkie went silent and stared forward.

“I’m sorry,” Chris said. “It’s just…” he lifted a hand off the steering wheel and turned it palm up, searching for the words. “for the longest time she just didn’t tell me about her job, and even then she’d be bringing dangerous chemicals home and probably working on worse things in the garage. Who knows what even goes on in the shed.” Chris sighed, slumped his shoulders, and moved his hand back to the steering wheel, shaking his head before continuing, “Now that she’s told me,”--Chris cocked his head to the side and rolled his eyes.--“which she did accidentally, I might add,”--He shifted his expression to a fixed glare on the road—“it’s like she thinks she can just bring this stuff home whenever it’s convenient! So, now every few weeks it’s ‘put on this hazmat suit’, ‘stay out of the shed, I accidentally broke a terrarium full of genetically engineered, acid spitting tarantulas’, ‘I had to throw out all the food, because it may have been contaminated with nerve gas’”. Chris shuddered on the mention of the last one.

“Well, maybe you should let her know how this all makes you feel!” Pinkie added helpfully. “My friends and I always tell each other how we’re feeling, and we get along great!”

Chris sighed, “I’ve tried that." He frowned and knitted his brow as he continued, "Elise usually just makes a comment about how I’m such a good sport about it all and then I feel awkward to even continue bringing it up.”

Pinkie shifted nervously in the car seat, wishing very much that the conversation would end.

“It’s just…I really feel like she cares about her job more than me,” Chris said.

“I’m sure she loves you just as much as you love her, Chris!” Pinkie said, trying to maintain a cheery disposition towards the very awkward conversation.

“Pfft, yeah,” Chris said with a touch of sarcasm. “Maybe I should switch her and ice cream so she and I can both have something we love more than each other…”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide and she gritted her teeth behind closed lips. Oh please let this car ride end soon! Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh…

“We’re here,” Chris announced, pulling the car into the driveway.

Pinkie made a quick glance towards the ceiling. Oh thank *Celestia!***

“Thanks for listening to me Pinkie,” Chris said as he exited the car. “Dan usually just starts with how I should divorce Elise..." He paused and added, "Usually without me saying anything…”

Pinkie forced an awkward smile. “Sure…what are friends for?”

Chris opened the door and held it open for Pinkie, the two walked into the house as Elise walked out of the kitchen to greet them.

“Hi guys, just in time!” Elise said, with a plastered smile.

“Ooh, that’s a nifty hat!” Pinkie said.

Elise glanced up at the headset she had forgotten to take off, and grabbed it with a flash, tossing it into some far off corner of the house.

“You must be Pinkie!” Elise said, extending a hand. “Chris has said so much about you.” Elise said, desperately trying to fake an earnest tone of voice.

“…I did?” Chris asked, a hint of confusion in his voice.

Pinkie took Elise’s hand and gave it a vigorous shake. “Chris has said a lot about, you, too!” she replied excitedly.

“All good, I hope.” Elise said, attempting to wink at Chris, but succeeding in something that more resembled an eye twitch.

“He said he loves you more than anything!” Pinkie said with a big smile. …Well it was *kinda** what he said, at least.*

“Oh…You…” Elise began, her brain failing to come up with a cute pet name. “I missed…”-- Elise glanced to the side for a split second--"You!” Walking up to Chris, she stood on her tip-toes and wrapped her arms around his neck, planting a kiss on his cheek and palmed the microphone she had planted inside his shirt collar that morning.

“Hey honey! It’s good to come home…and not have to suit up!” Chris added, building the statement out of false enthusiasm.

Elise decided to change the subject. “Ahhh…sit down! Let me dish up! You’ve had a hard day…”

“Yeah…”Chris’s fake smile disintegrated into a look of concern. “How did you know?”

“Oh I…” Elise trailed off, trying to figure out something plausible. “Caught the news about the mall fire…on the news!”

Good job, me.

A+

Chris’s face shifted to one of mild irritation, “I never said we were at the mall.”

Elise's eyes widened. Crud!

“SO,” Elise attempted to force a smile, but it got stuck in grimaceville before completing the journey. “Dan wasn’t too keen on vegetarian, huh?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “You guessed it,” he answered sarcastically.

Elise’s heart pounded in her chest. Why am I so bad at this?

Pinkie’s eyes shifted back and forth between the couple. Sharing a house with a married couple and their two kids meant she had plenty of experience watching a marital dispute brew, but luckily, she also had plenty of experience defusing them as well…”You know what always makes me feel better? A delicious meal!” Pinkie said, forcing the biggest smile she could muster.

Elise saw her opportunity, grabbed it with both hands, and ran with it…as far as she could in the small house.

“Oh yes! Let me just go dish everyone up…” Elise spun, walked a few feet to the stove and countertop, and dished up three plates of spiced, sautéed vegetables inside warm tortillas

Chris sat down, watching Elise, an irritated and suspicious look on his face.

Pinkie sat down, watching Chris, concerned that expression on his face meant he probably wasn’t feeling any better.

Elise placed a plate in front of her husband, guest, and then at the empty spot across the small round table for her.

Chris wordlessly began to eat.

Pinkie took a few bites, “Hmmmmm, this is scrum-dilly-umpchus!” She said excitedly. “Oh, thank you ever so much for inviting me!”

Elise smiled. “No problem! We’re happy to have you!..Oh! Almost forgot…” Elise walked over to the fridge and produced a pitcher of fresh strawberry lemonade.

Pinkie’s eye lit up, “Hey! That looks like the real version of the fake drink I was served at ‘Lenny’s’!”

“Oh, really?” Elise began. “I didn’t…” Elise caught Chris’s expression as she realized she had just made a fatal error. “…didn’t know…” Elise trailed off, and sat the pitcher down on the table.

Pinkie glanced back and forth between the two, realizing things were about to go critical.

“So, Elise”, Chris said, the anger building in his voice. “Did you bug me, or just follow us around all day watching from the shadows?”

“Don’t be silly!” Elise said with a nervous smile, trying to salvage the situation. “I was home working here the entire time!” She insisted.

“So you did have me bugged!”

“Ididn’tsaythat.” Elise said, quickly.

“You didn’t deny it either!” Chris shot back.

“Hey, you know what we can do?” Pinkie said, desperate to change the subject.

“STAY OUT OF IT!” Was the response she got for her troubles from both Elise and Chris.

Pinkie sat back in her chair, wishing she could shrink.

Elise went on the offensive, “Look Chris, I’m sorry if my job can be inconvenient and terrifying, but one of us needs to put food on the table.”

“Must be easy to win arguments when you’re spying on every word your husband says,” Chris countered as he leaned on the table, moving closer to Elise.

Elise realized she was digging herself deeper, she tried to think of something to change the subject to.

Chris beat her to it.

“Nice fajita’s by the way. You know fajitas usually have protein.”

“Well, maybe if you ate something besides five courses of bacon every day and a tub of ice cream, I could figure out how to cook something else!” Elise also leaned on the table, the two a few feet away from each other, and practically yelling at this point. “Hey! Maybe I should just combine the two, then you’ll really have something you can love more than me!” Elise said with an accusatory finger.

“YOU LEAVE BACON ICE CREAM OUT OF THIS! A LEAST SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME!”

Pinkie stood up in a flash, and asked, “Bathroom?”

Without turning, the couple both pointed down the hall angrily with the same stance a parent might take to tell a child to go to their room.

Pinkie dashed off to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

She looked at herself in the mirror.

“OK, me,” she said to her reflection. “We need an ‘S’ level couple argument ending plan here!’

“Ooh! Ooh!” her reflection responded. “Why don’t you go out there and throw them a surprise mini-party!”

“Yeaaah…” Pinkie said as she looked towards the ceiling and rubbed her chin. “Good idea, mirror-me!”

Pinkie grabbed a few deflated balloons from her pockets. She had purchased some basic party supplies from the mall in case an emergency party needed to be thrown.

“And to think, Dan had laughed at me…” Pinkie said slyly.

Pinkie blew air into a balloon and struggled to tie it closed with her hands and teeth.

“Grrrr…this was so much easier when I had hooves!” Pinkie said with a frustrated tone.

“Give me one! I can help!” her reflection answered.

“No mirror-me, you’re just my reflection! You don’t exist!”

Her reflection stuck up her nose. “Hmph! Rude!” the reflection said, storming off out of sight.

Pinkie struggled to blow up and tie off a couple more balloons as the noise from the kitchen/dining room intensified. She grabbed a handful of confetti from her other pocket, rushed towards the bickering couple who were now full on yelling at each other.

“WHO WANTS TO PAR-TAY?!” she asked with an excited open mouth smile, throwing confetti and balloons into the air, one of the balloons making a rude noise as it deflated, spun in the air a few times, and shot off into Elise’s lemonade pitcher.

Chris and Elise stopped and stared blankly at Pinkie.

Pinkie's smile remained plastered on her face as beads of sweat began to form on her brow. Well…at least they stopped yelling at each other.

“…Maybe I should take you home, Pinkie.” Chris offered.

Pinkie bowed her head, slumped her shoulders, sighed, and nodded her head up and down.

Chris and Pinkie made their way to the door.

“Bye, Elise…” Pinkie said quietly, “It was…nic…let’s do this agai…maybe next time?” Pinkie offered. Having run out of anything positive to say about the experience, she exited through the door.

Chris followed, but turned back to Elise once he was outside.

“You did already take off what you were using to spy on me, right?” He said, with a glare that could melt glaciers.

Elise gulped, reached into her pocket, and pulled out a small microphone, showing it to Chris.

Chris turned his back to Elise and walked out the door. “Beans,” he said simply.

Elise knitted her brow. “What?”

“Beans would have added some protein,” Chris said, slamming the door before Elise could respond.

Elise made a growling sound and threw out her tensed hands in an expression of wanting to strangle someone. Why do I have to be so *bad** at keeping secrets?*

Elise dropped one hand to the side, and buried her face in the other. Sighing, she made her way to the couch and sat down. I don’t think a few pints of bacon ice-cream are going to get me out of this one.

She looked down at the couch, the logical place she would be sleeping tonight, musing on the thought that she was the one in trouble, for a change.

-ooooooo-

Pinkie and Chris sat in awkward silence as he drove her back to her apartment. Night had set and the streetlights illuminated the interior of the car, only to retreat into darkness over and over again.

Chris was the first to breach the silent wall between the two, “I’m…sorry you had to see that.”

“And I’m sorry to have caused it,” Pinkie said bluntly.

“What?” Chris asked, surprised. “You didn’t…”

Pinkie vigorously shook her head. “Yes I did,” she insisted. “She probably thought I was suspicious, just like you and Dan did when you first saw me. That’s why she was spying....”

Chris looked back at the road and processed this. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Excluding explanations that involved dimensional travel, I *still** have no idea where Pinkie came from, what she's doing here, and why she seems to have an unlimited supply of money.*

Maybe Elise had a good reason for doing what she did.

Maybe she wanted to protect me…

…or herself…

…or her *work*.

Chris sighed, having quickly and easily talked himself out of any nobility or spousal concern on Elise’s part.

“No Pinkie, it’s not your fault,” Chris said. “I know I’ve dumped a lot on you tonight, but…” Chris trailed off, not sure if he had the right to force more of his problems on the normally energetic girl sitting next to him.

“It’s OK, Chris,” Pinkie said as she put a comforting hand on top of one of Chris's.

“It’s just…sometimes she treats me as bad as Dan, you know?”

Pinkie said nothing.

“But, I expect it of Dan…” Chris swallowed. “It’s not easy being treated as a means to an end by someone you love.”

Pinkie’s chest tightened. What in Tartarus are you supposed to say to *that*?!

Chris sighed again as he continued, “Just…thanks for listening. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this sort of stuff…”

“I’ll listen to you anytime.” Pinkie added along with her other hand to his on the steering wheel. She mentally added But PLEASE don’t make me sit through another argument with your wife.

Chris turned to face the pink-haired girl in the seat next to him. “Thanks Pinkie, that means a lot,” He said with an earnest smile.

Pinkie retracted her hands to her lap. “Sure thing Chris.” Chris is sweet, but becoming his confidant within a 24 hour period of meeting him isn't exactly how I pictured getting on with him.

...I sure hope Dan is feeling better.

Heck, I don’t care if he just screams at me and dunks my head in more Everclear at this point....

Eventually, the car pulled next to 'Casa Paradisio'.

Pinkie quickly unbuckled, opened her door, and got out of the car. She stopped for a second, and poked her head back in.

“Hey, Chris.”

“Yeah, Pinkie?”

“I hope you work things out with Elise.”

Chris paused for a few moments. “…Yeah. Me, too,” he said finally.

Pinkie smiled and closed the door.

Chris drove off into the night.

Pinkie shook her head with a sigh, and slowly climbed the stairs to her apartment. Maybe I should check in with my friends, or check in on Dan. I could use a pick-me-up at this point. Heck, I'll settle for a noisy distraction.

She looked up to realize her lights were on. She smiled, the feeling of excitement returning to her for the first time in hours. Dan must still be putting my things away! Oh, I’m going to give him the biggest hug, ever, ever, *ever*!

Pinkie threw open the door and shouted an excited “Dan!”

She saw Dan standing in front of her photo album with a small pile of her photos she hadn’t added yet, she inhaled the strong scent of alcohol…

There was the quiet click of a tiny lighter-wheel, a 'fwoosh' of an inflammable fuel catching flame, followed by mad laughter that filled the room.

Laughter quickly cut short by a sound very similar to that of a balloon quickly deflating.

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 12 Dan Vs. Regret

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie PieChapter 12 Dan Vs. Regret-ooooooo-

Dan panted heavily, sweat dripping down his face as he sped his car towards nowhere in particular.

He didn’t know where he was going, only that his apartment was far too close.

To what very little credit he was owed, he had quickly put out the fire with an extinguisher, seeing that there was absolutely no need to seek further vengeance on Pinkie.

He had won.

Utterly.

Completely.

It was written all over her face. Not once in his life had a scheme crushed its target so thoroughly.

He desperately tried to push the thought of the streaming tears, hair gone flat, and catatonic stare fixed on the spot where the photo album had once been before he turned it into a smouldering ruin of itself.

For maybe the first time in his life, Dan was conflicted over the results of one of his vengeance plots come to fruition.

Alright, she  did targeted one of the few things I loved, but she obviously meant well, in that stupid, ditsy way of hers...And it’s not like she did any damage a car-wash wouldn’t fix.

Dan sped on in his still bedazzled hatchback. His mind a turmoil of conflicting emotion, a deep pit starting to form in his stomach.

Dan hit a bump with his car, causing the small vehicle to jump slightly and hit the ground with a thump.

Dan made a small curse to the unkempt roads of Van Nuys, but stopped when he heard an unfamiliar sound from his glove compartment.

Dan opened his glove compartment, then slammed on his brakes, his car screeching to a halt in the empty street.

The pit in Dan’s stomach grew to a black hole that quickly sucked his heart, body, and soul into an event horizon.

He stared down at the framed picture Pinkie had taken of him screaming at her in front of his apartment. It was a gaudy, pink frame that obnoxiously read “Best Friends Forever” in a flowery cursive at the bottom.

Salt water dripped onto the picture, an offering from the man who had never shed a tear for another person in his life, especially one who he himself had caused harm to.

Dan gently placed the picture on top of a bag on his passenger seat.

He knew what he needed to do.

…but he couldn’t do it without help.

Dan took his foot off the brake, got his bearings, and drove his car with a newfound sense of purpose and determination.

This was going to hurt.

Probably a lot.

But it couldn’t possibly compare to the feeling in his chest…

***

Chris sat silently on the couch, watching TV, A tub of ice cream piled high with whipped cream sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

Elise had left both ice-cream and the can of whipped cream out as a peace offering for Chris, a peace offering that Chris wordlessly collected before sitting down.

Elise sat pensively at the table. Ice-cream was a good first step, but she doubted it suddenly made up for the all the secrets and exposing of Chris to dangerous materials he had mostly passively endured for all these years, let alone her recent spying on him.

She sighed and made a mental note to stock up on bacon and cookies, hoping the sugary and fatty snacks could buy enough goodwill with Chris so that he’d at least talk things out with her. Normally she’d be the one to instigate conversation, but given the circumstances, she felt it was better to let Chris let her know when he was ready to talk.

She glanced back towards the flickering lights of the living room.

Chris was possibly the only stable thing in her life. The same traits the made him a pushover also made him a dependable friend and husband. He could be poisoned, arrested, forced to dance until his ankle broke...exchanged for a favor from Dan just after his ankle broke, and still come back…

Elise’s chest tightened. Please don’t let me lose Chris. He’s probably the only guy on this planet who’d put up with my job…and he’s the only person who actually cares about me.

Tears began to well up behind Elise’s eyes, the thought of her husband leaving her devastating.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door.

Who can it be at this hour?

She walked out of the kitchen and exchanged a confused a glance with Chris, whose glance was noticeable more perturbed.

Chris opened the door slowly, revealing a familiar short man holding a worn, paper bag.

“May I come in?” Dan asked.

Chris and Elise looked at each other with even more confused looks on their faces. Their thoughts playing out exactly the same way.

Dan never knocks… *Ever.** And he certainly doesn’t politely ask permission to come in.*

“Imposter?” Elise asked her husband.

Chris squinted at Dan in the dark. “Only if he’s had some plastic surgery to make himself look more like Dan…and rolled around in Dan’s dirty clothes to get the scent right.”

Dan’s eyes narrowed.

“Ooooh…Robot!” Elise suggested.

Chris snapped his fingers, turned, and pointed with the same hand to Elise. “Love, it!”

“I’ll get my metal detector!” Elise said with a hint of enthusiasm.

“You know, sometimes I wonder why I give you two the time of day…”  Dan uttered.

Chris and Elise breathed a sigh of relief, and motioned for Dan to come in.

Dan entered just far enough for Chris to shut the door behind him, saying nothing.

Chris moved a little in front of his friend, not sure how he should be reacting to the uncharacteristically withdrawn Dan. Usually Dan would have stormed in and simply explained his business.

Usually revenge.

Hmmmm…

“Hey Dan,” Chris said, trying to coax a response from his friend. “Still seeking revenge on Pinkie?”

Dan looked up at his much taller friend. “No,” he said simply.

“Ahhh, so you’ve given up then?”

“No,” Dan said again.

Chris mulled Dan’s answer for a moment and realized this could only mean one thing. Chris’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits. “What did you do?” he asked firmly.

Dan swallowed, and mentally prepared himself for what was going to follow. He reached into the bag and pulled out a charred and melted photo album.

Chris’s voice exploded in anger, “DAN! HOW COULD YOU?! PINKIE WORKED VERY HARD ON THAT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IT’LL MAKE HER FEEL WHEN SHE SEES WHAT YOU DONE!?”

“Shealreadydid…” Dan said, barely audible.

Chris’s face hardened. “What?”

“I said, ‘She already did.’”

The trio went silent, save the huffing and puffing of Chris’s building anger.

Elise’s eyes went wide as she inhaled and exhaled a large volume of air audibly. “Dan…please tell me you didn’t…”

Dan said nothing and broke eye contact.

Chris turned his head to face his wife, “What?” He said with a knitted brow.

“He…”—Elise swallowed—“…he burnt it in front of her.”

The next thing Dan felt was a haymaker to his left cheek, followed by a mirror on the wall that his head smashed against as he toppled backwards, then the floor as it began raining glass shards around him. Next thing he knew, his feet were off the ground and he was staring at Chris on an even plane, his usually placid friend having contorted his face into a look of rage that Dan wasn’t sure he could even manage.

Chris began to violently shake Dan by the shirt collar.

“YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A SUB-HUMAN BEING! HOW COULD YOU?!HOW COULD YOU?!ALL SHE EVER TRIED TO DO WAS BE YOUR FRIEND! YOU JUST COULDN’T LET IT GO, COULD YOU!? YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME, DAN! WAY TOO FAR!”

“Iknnnow.” Dan choked out.

“WHAT?!” Chris stopped shaking Dan and pulled him within inches of his face.

“I said, ‘I know’,” Dan said, looking his friend in the eye.

Chris continued to hold Dan up for a second as he breathed a few cool down huffs, then gently lowed Dan until Dan’s feet where once more on solid ground.

Glass crunched under Dan’s shoes. “I…” Dan looked off to the side, replaying the painful memory in his mind, “…I saw it in her eyes…no, it was more like her entire body shut down. I don’t…”—Dan started to breathe a little heavier, his heart began pounding faster—“I don’t know the reaction I expected, or even the one I wanted. But I know it wasn’t that.”

Dan looked down at the floor, his broken, shattered reflection staring back at him from a hundred different angles. “I think…I think it made me hate myself….if only just a little.”

Chris and Elise stared at Dan not sure what to do or say at this point.

Dan looked up from the shattered, reflective glass on the floor as if coming back to the waking world. Dragging his palm over his face, he added, “I feel like I just broke a butterfly upon a wheel.”

Chris knitted his brow in surprise. “Dan, I didn’t know you listened to Coldplay.”

“…what the heck is that? That sounds like a very unpleasant fetish,” Dan said, trying to processes the unfamiliar word.

“They’re a band, Dan.”

“What?! Chris you really are a simple creature aren’t you?”

Chris leveled a glare at Dan, regretful wasn’t quite enough to get him back in his good books.

Dan caught the expression and calmed his tone. “It’s from a Pope’s satire.” Dan explained, “Alexander medieval guy, or something…”

“Dan, you’re bleeding.” Elise pointed out.

He felt the sharp pain on the back of his head, noticing it for the first time. He pulled his hand back to reveal a palm covered in blood.

“I’ll be fine.” He answered.

Elise shook her head, “Not if we don’t stop the bleeding, you won’t.”

“Elise, we don’t have time…”

Elise was gone and back in a flash, with some clean towels, dressing pads, gauze, and some antibiotic ointment.

“That was fast.” Chris commented.

Elise moved behind Dan to clean the wound and gave her husband a little smile. “Yeah…I have medical supplies hidden all over the house in case an enemy agent breaks in and shoots you and I have to field dress the wound on the spot.”

“Awhh…” Chris said, a touch of pleasantness returning to his voice. It was a sweet if somewhat morbid thought from his wife.

“Ooow, be careful with that! It really stings.”

“Not as bad as Everclear, I’m sure,” Chris said in an admonishment tone.

Dan fixed a glare at the wall to his side, not needing another reminder that he treated Pinkie Pie poorly.

Elise began to wrap gauze around Dan’s head.

“I need to fix this.” Dan said, looking at his best and possibly only friend with pleading in his eyes.

“Dan, I’m not sure you can fix this,” Chris responded.

“Well, I have to try. I’ve never done anything halfway in my life,” Dan said with a determined voice standing straight. “And I’m not about to start…”

Chris thought about this for a second. Well, he’s nothing if not resolute. He even tracked down all his stuff after he got back from Siberia. Even every single one of those throw pillows…

“…But I need your help.” Dan turned his head to Elise, and looked at her for perhaps the first time without a hint of dislike. “Both of yours.”

Chris thought this over for a second.

Elise didn’t. “We’re with you Dan,” She said as she finished up her bandaging and placing a hand on the shorter man’s shoulder. She turned and walked to her husband, looked down at his hands and took them both in hers. Slowly she looked up to face the man she loved. “Right?”

Chris smiled warmly at his wife. “Right.” he answered.

Dan snapped into action mode. “Good!” He turned to Elise, grabbed her hands, and dumped a wad full of crinkled bills and loose change into her palms.

“…Dan did you just hand me money?” Elise asked in disbelief.

Chris also gawked at the small pile of small bills and change. It was hard enough to get Dan to pay for his own meals while out, and nigh-impossible to get money back once it had been loaned to him. The idea that he would willingly hand either of them some of his own money was nearly unfathomable.

“Yeah,” Dan answered. “Sorry it isn’t more, I need some for what Chris and I are going to do.”

Chris and Elise exchanged glances, back to being unsure if it was really Dan standing in front of them.

“Elise, I need you to go buy party supplies.” Dan began as he paced back and forth, delivering his commands. “Just pretend you’re throwing a party for an elementary school student.”

“Dan,” Elise began, “I don’t think…” She felt a large hand on her shoulder.

“No, he’s pretty much spot on,” Chris assured.

“Then I need you to sneak into my apartment and quietly set up.  Think you can handle that?”

Elise’s eye’s narrowed. “Dan, I can pull this job off in my sleep with a bullet wound…” Elise thought for a second. “In fact, I’ve pulled off worse jobs in my sleep with a bullet wound.”

Chris looked down at his wife, “You told me you had the flu... a really, really, BAD flu.”

Elise’s heart skipped a beat and she looked up at her husband. “I know…and…I’m sorry.”

Chris’s smile returned, “It’s OK, darling. I forgive you.” Chris wrapped his arms around his red-haired wife, looked deep into her blue eyes, bent down towards his wife and pursed his lips.

Elise wrapped her arms around her husband’s tall frame and met his gaze. She leaned up and…

Dan cleared his throat loudly. “Save this touchy, feely garbage for when you’re watching rom-coms together. We’ve got a war to win.”

The two turned back to Dan, arms still wrapped tightly around each-other.

“Dan, you can’t fight a war looking like that.” Elise said, slowly removing her arms from her husband.

Dan looked down at his clothing, then looked back up? “Whaaat?” He asked with some slight annoyance.

“You’ve got blood all over the back of your shirt.”

“Elise, we don’t have time for your pedantic obsession with fashion,” Dan said, fixing an angry stare at Elise and crossing his arms.

“Hold up.” It was Chris’s time to run off.

“Chris! Come back here, moonlight is burning!” Dan insisted.

“In a second.” Was the response from down the house.

There was the sound of running water, and Chris returned with a wet towel and a clean, black 'JERK' t-shirt.

“Chris, where did you even—Gah... Unhand me woma—MPHhmmg.”

Elise had quickly grabbed the bottom of Dan’s shirt and pulled it up over his head.

Dan turned with an annoyed glare, but before he could get an angry word out, Chris was behind him with the towel, rubbing the caked blood off his back.

Dan recoiled from the wet towel. “Ambush! I knew you two would force me into your twisted bedroom fantas—”

Chris rolled his eyes and handed Dan the clean, black shirt.

Dan shot him a glare and snatched the shirt out of Chris’s outstretched hand, quickly putting it on.

“Do you know how many of those things you’ve left here?” Chris asked, mild annoyance in his voice.

“No!” Dan said earnestly. “How many?”

“Dan,” Elise interrupted. “Your plan?” Elise reminded.

“Right!” Dan said, focus returning to his voice. Dan turned to his friend “Chris, you’re with me.” Dan marched to the door, swung it open, and stepped into the night.

“Where are we going?”

Dan held up a small, pink camera, illuminated from the light of the house. “To fix something, for a change.”

“…You stole her camera, too?” Chris said in disbelief.

“I’LL GIVE IT BACK!”

-ooooooo-

Dan leaned against the counter in the fluorescently lit department store.

“Niiiiice work getting them to rush the photos after hours, buddy,” Dan said with a smile. “Things almost got ugly.”

“Well, I just thought telling the truth and appealing to her sense of compassion would net better results than threatening her with a sledgehammer,” Chris said dryly.

“Who’d of thought we’d find the one department store worker who hasn’t yet had her sense of compassion crushed under weeks and weeks of thankless toil?” Dan said, extending his arms and turning his palms upward.

Chris rolled his eyes. “Did you find everything else?”

Dan held up a plastic bag, “One new photo album, extra girly looking, and enough stickers, bedazzling jewels, and glitter pens to send a slumber-party of female pre-teens into a squealing, craft fuelled frenzy.”

A dark olive complexioned woman with a pleasant look on her face walked up from behind the counter and placed a fat envelope in between the two friends. “Here you go!” She said cheerfully.

“It’s a abouMPMph phmmm…” Chris cupped a hand over Dan’s mouth.

“Thank you,” Chris said, “this will mean a lot to our friend.” Chris looked down at Dan and released his hand. “Won’t it, Dan?” Chris said in a “shouldn’t you be saying something” tone.

“Yeah…thanks,” Dan said, grabbing the large envelope.

The photo center worker smiled. “Sure! Good luck with your friend.”

Dan winced. “Yeah…I’ll need it…”

-ooooooo-

Dan held an ice-pack against his swollen cheek.  “Chris, not every page needs a king’s ransom of fake, plastic jewels,” he declared as he and Chris pored over the photo album at Ninja Dave’s, a small pile of cookies sitting to either side of them.

“What! They’re very pretty. And I’m getting better at making shapes.”

“You are such a child…hand me that glitter pen…NO the lavender one. It’s like you have the artistic skills of a third grader.”

Chris looked down at their handiwork, an explosion of bedazzling jewels, stickers of hearts, stars, and rainbows, and glitter ink. “Sure, Dan,” he answered simply.

“Does ‘friends’ have one or two ‘N’s in it?” Dan asked Chris, Dan concentrated on writing something.

“How can you not know how to spell the word ‘friends’,” Chris said in mild irritation.

Dan looked up into space. “It’s never come up before…” he said trailing off.

“…One ‘N’, F-R-I-E-N-D-S.”  Chris said, feeling a little sorry for Dan.

Dan concentrated on his writing for a second then looked up. “You only knew that because of the sitcom, didn’t you?” He asked with a mild accusatory tone.

Chris put back on an annoyed look. Well, that didn’t last long. “You can’t provethat!” Chris shot back.

Dan shook his head. “Never mind.” He held up a page. “What do you think?”

Chris squinted at it, examining it carefully. “Needs more rainbows.” He critiqued.

“Nuts to your rainbows. Can’t you see the pink, sparkly hearts are better in every way possible?” Dan motioned to the collection of stickers as if his statement was self-evident.

“They’re not better in having more colors.” Chris retorted. “Nothing is.” He added strongly.

“Ulg,” Dan uttered, turning the page. “Hand me the pink glitter pen.”

“You always startwith the Pink glitter pen.” Chris said, reluctantly handing it over. He discreetly pushed a red glitter pen closer to Dan, “I think you’ll find the red makes a much bolder statement.”

“No,” Dan said, brushing the red pen off the table completely. “I like pink, it’s just like….” Dan trailed off deciding he was just going to let the sentence linger and hopefully die before Chris thought anything of it.

 Chris responded by taking a bite out of one of his cookies. He paused. “I can’t believe you actually bought me cookies for a change.”

“Yeah well…” Dan trailed off, “I wanted you to be able to focus…and…” Dan struggled for an excuse,”…you get drowsy when you’re not eating.”

Chris took another bite. “Trraue” he said through a moth-full of cookie. Chris swallowed. “This has been the most fun I’ve had with you in a long time,” Chris admitted. “Can you crush a poor, innocent girl's dreams every night?”

Dan turned his palms upright and stared down at the sparkly, pink stains on them from his constant use of the pen.

“I really hope not.”

-ooooooo-

Heart racing, forehead covered in sweat, Dan entered the still lit apartment he had fled hours before.

She’s still here, good.

Dan stared at the back of the, now somehow, straight haired girl.

Uh oh... I don’t think she’s moved from that spot…I don’t think she’s moved at all!

Dan gulped and slowly walked towards Pinkie Pie.

Oh God… What if… What if she has like a melty face…? Or when you find out the monster is just a head full of teeth…? Oh please don’t have a melty face, of please, oh please, oh please…

Dan turned to face his potential horror movie monster come to life, but Pinkie just had a regular face.

A face that didn’t look like it had moved a muscle since he left.

WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN THE MELTY FACE?!

“Hi, Dan,” Pinkie said eerily, causing Dan to jump back a few feet. “Did you come back because you realized you could destroy more of my things in front of me? I think I ran out of tears a few hours back, but I can fake distress, still.”

“No, I…”

Pinkie turned to face him, and cocked her head to an uncomfortable looking angle. “Oh I got it.” For a brief second, her eyes went wide and her teeth began violently grinding as a corner of her lips pulled to the side. “You’ve come to use my body, then murder me. I mean…that’s probably what you saved me from anyway, you might as well be the one to continue...”

Dan’s expression broke into wide eyed shock with the force of a shattering window. Wow is she dark when she’s upset.

“Pinkie, I need you to come with me.”

“Oh, good idea. I’ll be easier to dispose of out in the wilderness….”

Dan’s skin began to crawl. “No! I just need you to come to my apartment.”

Pinkie’s head suddenly cocked into another uncomfortable looking angle as her eyes, teeth, and mouth repeated the pattern from before. “You’re going to dissolve my corpse in the bathtub…” she offered.

“NO, I!..” Dan let out an exasperated sigh and dragged a palm across his face. How come doing the right thing has to be so hard!?

“Look, I know I don’t deserve this, but I need you to trust me.”

Pinkie’s head returned to its full, upright position and she blinked her blue eyes that still sat framed with the bandage in pink hair, though the hair was straight this time.

“Okay, Dan.” What have I got to lose?

-ooooooo-

“SURPRISE!” Elise and Chris shouted, showering Pinkie with streamers.

Pinkie quietly looked around the apartment, streamers, balloons…even Elise and Chris were wearing party hats. They even put one around Mr. Mumbles who greeted Pinkie with a “Meow.”

“…Murder party?” Pinkie asked, turning back to Dan.

“No, apology party,” Dan assured. “A murder party should have more…”

Elise elbowed Dan in the ribs, cutting his sentence short. “Dan! Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Ah, right.” He handed a mass of pink wrapping paper with yellow and blue balloons on it to Pinkie who looked it over questioningly.

Pinkie opened her mouth to speak.

“If you say ’bomb’, so help me, I’m going to…” Dan caught himself, and calmed his tone. “Please just open it?” he pleaded with a tiny, hopeful smile.

Pinkie quickly shredded the paper and her eyes went wide as she opened up her new photo album to reveal the most beautiful display of fake plastic jewels, tacky stickers, and colorful glitter plastered photos she had ever seen.

Dan quickly threw an arm around Pinkie’s shoulders. “Hey Pinkie”

Pinkie looked up.

“Smile.”

The camera went off just in time to catch a dazzling smile from the curly haired girl.

Still with his arm wrapped around Pinkie’s shoulder, Dan turned the camera so they could both see the photo he had just taken of the two smiling away under their matching bandages around their heads. Quite possibly the first photo of Dan smiling without faking it in existence.

Dan pointed to a gaudy, pink picture frame, with ‘best friends forever’ written on it, sitting on the crate he used as his coffee table. “I think this will look even better in there.”

Pinkie hugged him hard enough to cause him to dwell on how many vertebrae this friendship was going to cost him.

She put her mouth close to his ear. “Thanks for coming back for me,” she whispered.

“Well, I couldn’t just leave you like that, could I?”

Pinkie held Dan at arm’s length and smiled with wide eyes. “It’s a good thing, too! A little bit more time and I might have decided to use your vital organs as confectionary ingredients.”

Dan laughed nervously, not at all convinced Pinkie had just made a joke.

Pinkie turned to Chris and Elise. “And you two helped as well?” Pinkie said smiling.

“I set up the decorations,” Elise said with a smile.

“And I helped bedazzle your photo album,” Chris said proudly.

Dan examined his completely decorated apartment. “Don’t tell me I gave you enough for all this?”

“I…sort of felt guilty about tonight and contributed a bit.”

“That’s Okay, Elise. I forgive you,” Dan said.

“Not for you.” Elise declared. “Her!” She said nodding at Pinkie Pie.

“Your food was that bad, eh?” Dan suggested.

Chris stepped up. “We kind of had a melt-down in front of Pinkie.”

“Really?” Dan said lifting an eyebrow and the corner of his mouth.

“The melty-est!” Pinkie said with a giggle. “But you two are okay, now..?” Pinkie asked, equal parts hope and worry.

Chris reached for his wife’s hand. “Yeah.” He looked down at Elise as a happy, warm feeling ran through his body. “I think we are.”

Elise looked up to her husband’s loving eyes, the two gazing at each other for what seemed like an eternity, finally closing the…

“YOU TWO KNOCK THAT OFF RIGHT NOW, WE’LL HAVE NONE OF THAT KISSY CRUD IN THE HOUSE OF DAN!”

Elise and Chris continued to hold hands, but shot Dan a wry grin.

 “Who’s ready to conga? Pinkie asked.

“Oh! Me! Me!” Chris said, enthusiastically raising his hand.

“Count me out,” Dan said grumpily.

Pinkie shot him a sly grin. “Daaaaan,” she cooed, “I require ten conga laps from you, as part of your ‘apology party’.”

“But…”

“No ‘but’s!” Pinkie insisted as she maneuvered herself in front of Dan and grabbed his hands. She placed them on her waist.

“This is making me uncomfortable!” Dan declared, darting eyes from side to side.

Elise wasted no time in placing her own hands on Dan’s waist.

Dan gritted his teeth. “I warn you, I bite…”

Chris grabbed his wife by the waist. Elise smiled, enjoying the feeling of her husband’s hands on her body.

“Aaaand here we go!” Pinkie announced cheerfully.

-ooo-

Dan stopped and listened to the song playing

Chris had bought a few CDs up from his and Elise’s car, and Chris had dredged up Dan’s CD player out of the filth to play a couple.

“Chris, what is this?” Dan asked.

Chris smiled “It’s Coldplay.” Chris listened for a second, “Paradise.”

Dan paused and listened to the lyrics.

“I hate it, and I hate you for sullying the inside of my walls with it.”

“Love ya too, buddy.” Chris replied with a smile.

“I think it’s great!” Pinkie chimed in.

Dan made a dismissive-disgusted sound.

“Whatever, I’m going to try some of the swill Elise made.”

“Ooh!” Pinkie said excitedly, and rushed to try some strawberry lemonade as well.

Dan poured Pinkie a glass, then himself one. He took a sip. “Hey, Elise. There’s this thing called “sugar”,” Dan said, contorted his face at the tartness of the drink. "Perchance you've heard tale of it? You can by it by the pound at this place called 'stores'."

Pinkie, likewise, was making a fish face.

Elise shot Dan an annoyed look, “Sorry, I thought the strawberries would add more sweetness…”

Dan made a disgusted sigh and dug a bag full of sugar out of a cupboard.

“Allow me!” Pinkie mixed a few heaping spoonfuls of sugar with a spoon into both cups and stirred them vigorously.

Dan shot a quick suspicious look at Pinkie then took a sip. The drink was sublime. He quickly downed the whole thing to the delight of Pinkie.

Chris walked over to Elise. “Hey Elise.”

“Yeah, Chris?” Elise asked, the serious tone in her husband’s voice worrying her.

“When you bring work home, can it stay in the shed from now on?” Chris asked, diplomatically.

Elise smiled wide and warmly and took her husband’s hands. “Of course, dear.”

Chris smiled to match his wife’s.

The two closed the distance between them until their warm bodies were touching.

Elise let her arms drift up around her husband’s neck.

Chris wrapped his arms around his wife’s shoulders.

Pinkie’s face beamed as she looked at the happy couple, inches away from kissing.

Dan stood next to Pinkie and began to protest, “WHAT DID I…”

Pinkie threw a punch into Dan’s arm without turning or shifting from the spot.

Dan toppled over onto the floor with loud 'THUD!'.

Chris’s and Elise’s lips met in a passionate kiss as Pinkie let out a squeal of delight.

“Meow”

Dan stood up holding Mr. Mumbles, party hat still firmly attached around the cat’s head.

“Mr. Mumbles requires more cake!” Dan announced.

Chris broke the kiss and looked over to the cat, frowning. “But it’s the last piece!” He protested.

“Meow.”

“Chris, I’m sorry…”—Pinkie grabbed a small paper plate with cake on it and placed it on the nearby counter— “but we have a kitty-cat here in desperate need of some cake,” she insisted.

Dan sat down Mr. Mumbles on the counter, who happily bounded to the cake and began eating it while purring away.

Elise patted her husband on the chest. “It’s fine. You can have ice cream when we get back.”

Chris met his wife’s gaze. “Actually…I think I’ve had enough sweets for one night.”

“You two mind taking the mushy show on the road? Some of us are trying to eat.” Dan motioned to his cat, who looked up with a face covered in frosting and offered a “Meow.”

Elise and Chris walked to the door, hand in hand.

“You behave yourself now,” Chris commanded.

“Don’t worry, Chris! I will,” Pinkie answered cheerfully with a wave.

“I was talking to DAN,” Chris stressed.

Elise embraced Pinkie whose smile grew wide with the token of affection.

“We should go clothes shopping some time,” Elise offered.

Chris collapsed to the floor in a heap.

“Alone,” Elise added.

Chris sat back up and breathed a sigh of relief.

The group said their goodbyes as the couple made its way outside.

Once the two were off the stairs, Dan closed the door and turned to see a pensive looking Pinkie Pie fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

“Hey, Dan…”she began, “…I…I know I have my own apartment, but…what I mean is…”

“The couch is yours,” Dan said simply.

Pinkie’s eyes and pupils grew to an impossible size. “P….PERMANENTLY?!” she asked excitedly.

Dan stared at her blankly, unable to say no. “Sure,” he said with a smile, adding, “best friend forever.”

'CRACK!'

Dan’s next thought was regarding spines and the hope that their importance had been greatly exaggerated.

“Meow”

Dan glanced at his cat, her face now completely covered in frosting. He scratched his bandages, pondering having a roommate, especially given the cramped living quarters the two would be sharing.

“I guess we better clean up….” He said, trailing off.

Pinkie took a quick glance behind Dan’s head. Her eyes went wide as she dashed off.

“Pinkie?” Dan called out.

In a flash, she was back. Bandages and rags in one hand, Everclear in the other.

“You’re bleeding, Dan.” Pinkie said, concern giving way to an eerie smile.

Dan felt the back of his head, it was just a trickle, but he had disturbed the cut a little.

“Uhhh…it’s nothing!” Dan insisted. “It’ll stop on its own!”

Pinkie placed the bottle of Everclear on Dan’s foosball table and slowly approached him.

“No, Dan,” she insisted, a mad smile slowly conquering its way across her face. “It must be cleaned and sterilized, IMMEDIATELY.” Pinkie’s head cocked to the side, and the side of her mouth twisted up to reveal a mouth of smiling teeth that violently grinded against each other for a split second.

“Oh ummm….” Dan tried to think of an excuse out. “Chris forgot his cruddy CDs, I’ll just…” Dan reached for the door, but Pinkie was there in an instant, slamming an open palm in between him and his escape. A mad glint in her eyes.

Dan let out a little “Eeep” as Pinkie grabbed him by the hand…

-ooo-

“I hope they’ll be OK.” Elise mentioned.

There was some mad laughter, some painful screaming, more laughter, more screaming, some whining…

“Dan?” Elise said, recognizing the tortured voice.

...the sound of a startled cat, Dan moaning “WHY!?”, some giggling, MORE whining, the sound of something crashing…

Chris just shook his head, “They’ll be fine.”

“…”

“It’s the rest of us I’m worried about.”

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Epilogue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie Epilogue -oooooo-

Dan awoke with an irritated grumble, sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes.

Mr. Mumbles, likewise, sat up from her spot curled next to Dan, stretched, and jumped off the bed.

It had taken a while, but he had gotten used to the near constant noise of the firing range across the street.

What was new was the sounds of whimpering from his living room that now accompanied all the gunfire. He would have simply closed his door, but that would also mean shutting Mr. Mumbles off from her litter box in the bathroom.

Clad in a black “JERK” shirt and white boxers with thin, red, vertical stripes, Dan made his way through the open door into the living room.

Mr. Mumbles was sitting in front of a white quivering boxed shaped thing that was leaning against the couch, she looked up at Dan with a short “Meow”.

Dan examined the scene. Pinkie had obviously removed the couch cushions and arranged the three around herself as some sort of crude barrier, while covering herself with a sheet.

Dan sighed at how absolutely pathetic it all looked.

Pinkie slowly removed the sheet from over her head, revealing her curly pink hair, bandaged forehead, and an evening attire consisting of pink pajamas.

She looked up at Dan with her big, blue eyes, fright having set shop in them from the constant gunfire. “H…Hi Dan.” She stammered out. “Did I”–a shot from a higher caliber weapon rang out, causing Pinkie to give a startled “Eeeee” and flinch–"Did I wake you? I’m sorry, I’ll try to cup my hands over my mouth…”

“What the heck do you call this?” Dan said in a rather irritated tone of voice, motioning with both hands to the three couch cushions Pinkie had arranged around herself.

Pinkie looked down. “Fort Pinkie Pie?” she offered, looking back up at Dan with a sheepish smile.

Dan smacked his palm against his face and shook his head, “This is…this is just sad.” He disturbed the structure with his foot, causing it to topple around Pinkie.

Pinkie’s lower lip quivered as she clutched the sheet around her. She began to tear up slightly.

Dan walked off back into his bedroom, grumbling.  There was a grunt of Dan straining, a muffled “thump”, and Dan slowly emerged dragging his mattress behind him.

Pinkie looked up in confusion.

“Move!” Dan commanded. “And get that crate out of the way, while you’re at it."

Pinkie quickly grabbed the couch cushions and pushed Dan's makeshift coffee table out of the way as Dan plopped the mattress in front of the barren couch.

“Great,” Dan said, his tone turning to something a bit calmer and even. “Now help me move the foosball table. I think it’ll make a perfect entrance.”

Pinkie gleefully helped Dan arrange furniture, cushions, throw pillows, blankets, and sheets until the two had arranged everything into a respectable looking mini-structure inside the apartment.

Once 'Fort Dan Pie' was complete, the two crawled under the foosball table and onto the mattress, a blanket and a pillow each.

Dan yawned and rolled over, pulling his cover over himself.

Facing the wall composed of random bits of wooden furniture and throw pillows, he sleepily called out, “Goodnight Pinkie.”

Pinkie sat up for a second, regarding Dan with her eyes.

“Dan?” she quietly asked.

Dan turned his body and face her, his emerald-green eyes searching for her sky-blue ones in the darkness. “Yeah, Pinkie?” he replied.

Pinkie smiled warmly. “You’re the best.”

Dan smiled up at her. “I know.”

Mr. Mumbles trotted in from the entrance, and curled up in between the two. Pinkie Pie leaned her head on the pillow facing Dan and quickly fell asleep, the fear of the gunfire having been defeated by Dan’s kind act.

Dan also drifted off facing Pinkie. Soon he was in a deep, serene sleep. The most peaceful rest he had in many, many years.

End Part 2

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life: Chapter 13 Pinkie Vs. Technology

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily lifeChapter 13 Pinkie Vs. Technology-ooooooo-

“Wowwie-zowwie with sprinkles and a cherry on top, Twilight! You’re the smartest pony ever!”

Light penetrated the thin sheet roof of the mighty pillow and furniture fort 'Dan Pie' as Pinkie sat cross legged on top of a mattress inside.  She had decided to wear her pink dress that she had altered with a pattern of blue and yellow balloons at the bottom. The pattern helped combat the unease she felt now that her cutie mark was absent. Over the dress she wore a small blue short sleeved jacket and a few colorful bracelets on her wrists.

Twilight smiled proudly through the small compact mirror Pinkie was holding, “Well, it’s just transferring information and magic across the communication line here, it’s not a lot different from what the mirrors are already doing.”

“Aw, Twilight, you’re always so modest. I would have never thought you could cast spells through the mirrors!”

Twilight’s expression dropped to something more neutral, “I just wish I could use the same technique to get you back!”

Pinkie offered a consolatory smile. “It’s okay, Twilight. I know you’ll figure it out eventually.”  Pinkie turned to the two thin, rectangular devices sitting on the mattress next to her and pointed her compact mirror in their direction. One was about a foot and a half across and another foot wide, the other was of similar dimensions, but a fraction of the size of the other.

“Ready,” She said.

“Aim,” was the response as a purple glow began to emanate from the tiny mirror.

“Fire!” Pinkie said with a note of excitement.

A small purple energy beam fired out from the mirror and hit the two devices, which began to glow with the same purple light.

The light and noise was enough to get a mangy grey cat sleeping on a pillow in a corner of the fort to wake and give a quizzical “Meow.”

The two devices slowly levitated a few inches off the mattress, hung for a few seconds, then lowered back to their original locations. The purple glow suddenly left the two devices and changed back into a beam that fired into the mirror held by Pinkie.

Pinkie looked down at the mirror that was facing away from her. “Got it?” she asked.

“Got it.”

Mr. Mumbles trotted over from her pillow perch to swat at the two electronics briefly. When they didn’t respond, she trotted out of the fort under the foosball table entrance, in search of food.

Pinkie turned the mirror to see Twilight using her magic to project two sets of purple and white displays consisting of tiny circles, squares with dozens of lines jutting off in every direction; lines that made long, angled journeys across a land of hundreds and hundreds of tiny dots and shapes neither Pinkie nor Twilight had seen before.

 Pinkie squinted. Geez! Look at all those labels! Twilight sure seems to keep thing orderly. Are they in some sort of code? The only thing she could understand was the giant words floating over either projection. One saying “Computer” the other “Phone” which pretty much summed where Twilight’s knowledge began and ended with either device, having had very limited exposure to either during her trip to her own human dimension (and having not much luck with the computers there).

“Pinkie…this is amazing!” Twilight said in…well…amazement.

“Ooh...pretty.” was Pinkie’s offering. “Are they, like…more magic symbols, or something?”

Twilight excitedly glanced between the two. “No Pinkie…I think they’re both some type of machine. Like the ones I use for analyzing and chemistry, but…oh my gosh…” Twilight was beaming with excitement at this point “…just way, way beyond anything in Equestria!”

Pinkie frowned, technology wasn’t her strong suit. Dan had spent hours and hours explaining the “television” the two had embedded in the side of Fort Dan Pie.

In Dan’s case, this meant hours of lecturing while Pinkie struggled to stay awake and Dan provided cross sections and excruciatingly tried to describe every minute piece. The whole experience left Pinkie with a desire to not concern herself so much with the workings of all the new pieces of equipment she’d never seen before.

Well, maybe Twilight explaining it wouldn’t be so bad.

“What is all that code you have there, Twilight?” Pinkie asked about the numbers and letters that both displays seemed absolutely littered with.

Twilight glanced back towards Pinkie, “I’m glad you asked!” Twilight said with wide eyed enthusiasm.

“You see Pinkie, my magic detection spell can only tell me things using my own frame of reference. I don’t know what many of these things are, because I’ve never seen them before. However, I do understand molecular structure and chemical compounds that can be used to create devices such as these!”

Oh no!

“What you’re seeing is actually a combination of my magic and understanding of the building blocks of all these components labeling all the components of the devices. In fact, my magic and brain are working in tandem to help me understand brand new chemical compounds never before discovered in Equestria!”

What have I done!?

“The ‘code’ you’re seeing is actually the string of periodic elements that compose all the myriad tiny elements of these devices. Furthermore, my knowledge can break these down into their atomic weight, electron configuration…”

Oh Celestia, please maaaaake it stop!

“…melting point, boiling point, vaporization p…”

“Howdy, Pardners! Hope we aren’t interuptin’ nothin’.”

THANK YOU, CELSTIA!

Twilight turned, and Pinkie could make out from the tiny mirror that Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were approaching the large, stand-up mirror on their end.

“HEY EVERYPONY! IT’S SO NICE TO SEE YOU ALL!” Pinkie said with an uncharacteristically large amount of enthusiasm, even for her.

Twilight glanced at her three friends. “You four catch up. I’ve got science to do!” Twilight said, trotting off to another part of the very large shop she had set up in Canterlot Castle.

“Still haven’t figured out those computawatchmacalits, eh?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“No.” Pinkie admitted. “I tried pushing every button, asking nicely, asking not so nicely, demanding, screaming, threatening, begging, pleading, shaking…”--Pinkie looked away for a second and tapped her chin-- “…trying to will a response with my latent, psychic powers,” She added turning back to the mirror. “So, everything, really!”

“So now, it’s Princess Egghead, to the rescue, eh?” Pinkie and Applejack shared a small giggle at Rainbow’s new pet-name for their lavender alicorn friend.

“Yep,” Pinkie said with a grin. “Twilight will figure them out for sure.”

“How’s that ornery roommate of yours treatin’ ya?” Applejack inquired.

“Much better than he used to, I hope,” Fluttershy added.

Pinkie smiled warmly. “Ah, he’s been nice.” Pinkie thought for a second and qualified, “As nice as Dan can be, at least.”

“I see the most awesome and amazing furniture/pillow fort ever still stands,” Rainbow Dash commented.

Pinkie smiled proudly. “Yep! Though, it’s sort of impractical,” Pinkie admitted.

“No way! Nothing that awesome can be impractical,” Rainbow countered.

“Well, with every piece of furniture in the apartment that wasn’t nailed down used in its construction, it’s sort of the only place Dan and I can hang out, so…” Pinkie trailed off trying to think of the most diplomatic way to describe the situation. “…almost every conversation is pretty intense with us almost always being within inches of each other.”

“Oh my! Sounds scary!” Fluttershy said. Pinkie had spent much time describing her exploits and conversations with Dan; each one seemed pretty terrifying to the yellow Pegasus. Dan had become a recurring nightmare in Fluttershy’s sleep that even Princess Luna was having trouble helping her with (Luna having recently discovered that being set on dream fire was probably every bit as painful as being set on real fire).

Pinkie waved dismissively with a smile. “You get used to it.”

“Really?” the trio of friends asked in unison.

“Yeah, you really do,” Pinkie said with warmth in her voice.

“Well, he doesn’t seem to be around much,” Applejack stated simply.

Pinkie’s expression went a little serious for a change. “I don’t think he’s used to living with somepo…imean…someone else,” Pinkie offered. “He’s used to having this place all to himself.” Pinkie thought on her daily battles with trying to keep the place tidy. It should have been easy with most of the stuff in the small apartment consolidated into a structure in the living room. Yet, somehow Dan would mess it all up within minutes of coming home, forcing Pinkie to start from square one every day.

To Dan’s credit, he seemed just as disappointed with his own inability to keep his place clean as Pinkie was, so Pinkie was managing to keep a lid on her frustration for the time being.

“Ah still would like to meet him and give him a piece of mah mind for the things he’s done ta ya!”

“I second that motion!” Rainbow Dash offered. “Whatsa matter? He too yello..”--Dash glanced at her pegasus friend --  “..chicken to talk to us?”

“Believe me,” Pinkie responded. “It’s not Dan’s reaction to you that worries me.” Eyes converged on Fluttershy who whimpered quietly in response.

“SO! How are things with you guys?” Pinkie asked, her smile returning as she changed the subject.

“My training at the Wonderbolts Academy is going aaaawesooome~!” Rainbow Dash answered. “Spitfire says that I’m the best trainee they’ve ever had. I’ll be the best Wonderbolt ever pretty soon!”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “She also said tah work on that attitude of yours.”

“Hey! I am getting better!” Rainbow Dash insisted. “I didn’t say I’d be captain this ti…oops.”

The friends shared a laugh.

“How’s your wingpony handling things?” Pinkie continued.

“Lightning Dust…” Rainbow Dash thought for a second, “…well, she’s like me, you know?” Dash offered. “She’s not used to being second best.” Rainbow Dash paused and added, “...We’ll work it out.” with a hopeful smile.

Pinkie shifted her glance to her other friends. “Ooh! Ooh! Ponyville doing OK? Do ponies miss me! Do they talk about me! All good, I hope!”

Applejack smiled. “Yep! Your absence has been noted by everypony, but we keep sendin’ them your love. “Fluttershy and I are holdin’ down the fort. Keeping the apples goin’ and the animals in line.” Applejack added with pride in her voice.

“It is much lonelier, though…” Fluttershy added.

“Ahhh, it’s okay! I’ll be back soon.” Pinkie Pie assured, as much to herself as anypony.

“Ah hope so, sugarcube. With Rainbow Dash constantly at the academy, Twilight working here, and Rarity liking Canterlot so much she’s even moved some of her work here, Ponyville just ain't the same!” Applejack explained. “We wanted to bring her along, but ah think she’s at another garden party!”

“It’s okay,” Pinkie said. “She and I caught up yesterday. She tries to see me whenever possible.”

Rainbow Dash made a disgusted “Ugh” sound. “You mean she actually finds time away from her constant rubbing elbows with every fancy unicorn here?”

“Yep!” Pinkie giggled. “She even finds time to make her dresses and sell them at exorbitant prices to the ponies here! They can’t seem to get enough!” Pinkie leaned in close to the mirror and whispered, “Could you maybe tell her the next thing she needs to pay attention to is her sleep? I think she may be overdoing it a bit…”

“Tell me about it,” Fluttershy said. “She took me to one of her fancy parties, and I had to hold her up nearly the entire time--”

“Hold up there, pardner!” Applejack interrupted. “Are you tellin’ me Rarity actually invited you to one of her fancy shin-digs?”

Fluttershy smiled sheepishly. “She said my ‘grace and poise were perfect for high society.’” Fluttershy frowned. “It was kinda fun until one of those fancy unicorns recognized me from my modeling time…” Fluttershy shuttered with the memory of being crowded at the party, an experience that mirrored her brief and unpleasant foray into modeling. “They couldn’t leave me alone after that…”

Rainbow Dash grinned, “Heh, I bet Miss Fussy Hooves was pretty jealous.”

“Not really,” Fluttershy corrected. “I think her friends like her even more now that they know she’s best friends with an exmodel…plus she sort of passed out on the hors d' oeuvres table while everypony was hounding me.”

The four friends shared another big laugh.

Pinkie cocked her head to the side as she heard footsteps slowly approach the apartment door; a familiar, grumpy voice accompanying them.

“Ooh! Gotta go! I love you all! Give Ponyville my love, too, will ya!”

The trio waved through the small mirror.

“Will do, sugarcube!” Applejack replied as Pinkie shut the compact mirror.

Pinkie heard the door open as Dan walked in.

“Alright, I’ll tell her.” She heard Dan say.

She saw the familiar face of her room/fortmate lean down through the entrance.

“Get outta there, will ya?” Dan said. “We’re heading out.”

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life: Chapter 14 Elise Vs. Generosity

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily lifeChapter 14 Elise Vs. Generosity-ooooooo-

Pinkie crawled out from under the foosball table. “Out wherey-dairy-berry, Dan?”

“There’s this place called ‘outside’?” Dan began snidely, moving the phone he was speaking into a few inches away from his mouth. “Perchance you’ve heard the legend? Big blue ceiling, extends forever in all directions, home to all things outside the apartment.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes, “Yes, Dan. I know what ‘outside’ means.”

To be fair, I haven’t set foot outside without someone else with me…but this place is pretty scary by human standards!

And why does everyone have giant, spiky fences and gates in front of their houses?

“Pinkie?”

Is it to keep in their tiny, yappy dogs? Why does everyonehave a tiny, yappy dog?!

Ulg, except the house with that Doberman, why couldn’t theyhave a yappy dog, instead of that scary monster of a dog?

“Pinkie!”

One day, Doberman, mark my words! One day, Pinkie Pie will…

“Piiinkiieee!”

“Right. Sorry. Where was I?”

“I know what ‘outside’ means.” Dan said, mimicking Pinkie’s eye roll.

“Yeah…I mean, wherey-dairy-berry outside are we going?..”, Pinkie’s eyes narrowed, “We’re not attacking the grocery outlet store because you ate old meat that made you sick again, are we?”

There was a “What was that?!” Heard from the phone in Dan’s hand.

Dan responded by looking down at it, pointing firmly, and declaring “You heard NOTHING!” Dan looked back towards Pinkie, “And, ‘No’. I think they’re still scrubbing out the smell of rancid meat from the walls and ceiling.”

“Good,” Pinkie replied without changing expression, “Because I’M still scrubbing the smell from the clothes we wore that day!” Pinkie glanced away for a second and added, “I didn’t realize dynamite was so good at liquefying putrid meat.”

“Hey! I was right, wasn’t I?” Dan countered.

Pinkie sighed, “Yes Dan, it WAS a conspiracy that went all the way up to the FDA so that grocery outlet stores could keep meat on the shelves longer.” Pinkie admitted exasperated that Dan never stopped to remind her when he was right about a theory. “So wherey, dairy, berry, outside, are we going?”

“Elise is taking us out to dinner.” Dan said flatly, placing the phone back to his ear.

Pinkie immediately perked back up to her…well…perky self. “Oooh! Ooh! I’ll grab my walle…”

“Elise also says if she so much as sees that wallet she’ll break your hand in three places.”

There was an angry cry of “Don’t tell her I said that!” As Dan terminated the call.

“WHAT?! Why…”

-

“…would you say that to him?” Chris asked from the driver seat of his and Elise’s blue sedan. “You know there’s no way he’d not tell her."

“I know! It’s just…does she have to insist on paying for everything?!” Elise began listing items on her fingers, “Gas, movies, dinners, snacks, lunch…” Elise paused then raised her other hand, continuing the count, “breakfast, brunch…utility bills…” Elise dropped her hands and added “…house payment.” with a sigh.

“Did you figure out where it all comes from?” Chris asked.

“No!” Elise responded with no small amount of frustration. “I managed to get quite a few bills just hanging out with her and asking for change right behind her. I analyzed them, and all of them are legit! And my research hasn’t turned up any evidence that they’re stolen from anywhere. Other than the possibility that they’re perfect copies of other bills out in circulation, I can’t find any evidence of wrongdoing! It’s like the money in that wallet...”

-

“…breeds?” Dan parroted back to Pinkie, considering calling her an idiot for even asking, but his urge to respond with his typical irate attitude was overruled by the shear bizarreness of the question. “No, Pinkie. Money does not breed here, no matter how much of it you keep together…” Dan thought for a second, glancing at the ceiling. “Actually…wait…is that how banks work?” He asked no one in particular.

“Well, it’s all got to come from somewhere!” Pinkie insisted.

“Like a magic wallet that appeared when you crossed dimensions specifically created so you’d have the resources to get by?”

“Well…” Pinkie glanced to the side, rubbing her hand against her chin, “That makes perfect sense, but who…”

-

“…would even give her something like that?” Elise asked.

Chris raised an eyebrow, “You really think its alien technology that’s set to create more money every time she removes a bill?” He asked skeptically.

“OK, of the two of us, who do you think has seen more alien technology?” Elise asked with a sideways glance.

“I watch a lot of sci-fi!” Chris insisted in an indignant tone. “Anyway, I’m surprised Dan doesn’t even take advantage of it. I mean, he’s never had trouble asking for money from me.”

“I think it’s different with Pinkie, she’s so…willing. And tends to assume she’s doing everyone a favor.I think it makes him just as…”

-

“UNCOMFORTABLE?!” Pinkie parroted back to Dan, albeit, with quite a bit more force. “Why? I WANT to help everypo…I men body! Why wouldn’t they like it?” Pinkie asked with a pleading pout.

Dan paused and thought for a second. Explaining things Pinkie didn’t have an equivalent for was easy enough, TV, telephones, those…things on the street you weren’t allowed to park next to where water comes out of if you hit them hard enough with a pipe wrench. However, it was always difficult to explain human psychology.

Maybe no one in Equestria has to deal with imposter syndrome..?

Or, that’s just Pinkie Pie and I’ll have to pierce that thick skull of hers somehow.

 “Dan?”

Hammer and chisel..? Naw, she squirms too much for that.

Ghost Chili pepper extract and baking soda? Hmmm…No, that would probably melt her entire head off.

“Dan!”

Oh! Power drill! I’ll just duct tape her to my chair…ah crud, the fort…

“Daaaaaaaan!”

“Uhhh…Where was I?”

“You were telling me I’m making everyone uncomfortable with how I pay for everything,” Pinkie said, throwing her arms to the side.

“Right!” Dan said, deciding to opt for a tactic with a far smaller chance of killing his new roommate, or cleaning bits of blood and skull out of the dingy carpet. “OK, so you know how each of us can get money on our own; Elise is employed, Chris is occasionally employed, I live off my bingo winnings and recovered wishing money from fountains…” Dan said, listing each person on their own finger as he tapped them with his other index finger.

“But I seem to have a super-duper unlimited amount of the stuff!” Pinkie insisted. “Why shouldn’t my friends let me take care of them?”

Dan winced. “Did it ever occur to you that we don’t always want to be taken care of?”

Pinkie blinked a few times, a blank expression on her face signifying she didn’t get it.

“…Well, I guess I can let Elise pay this once...”

Dan sighed, it would have to do for now.

“But I get to pay for dessert!” Pinkie responded resolutely.

Dan folded his arms. “Just how attached are you to your hands?”

Pinkie raised her hands to her eye level and gave them a vigorous shake. “They seem pretty solidly attached to the rest of me.”

Dan squinched his eyes together and grabbed the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “I meant, just how ready are you to have Elise shatter the bones in one?”

Pinkie turned her hands palms up and regarded each one, looking back and forth between the pair, “Shakey or Wavey?” She said, holding her hands out for Dan to see.

Dan cocked an eyebrow, “Does it matter?”

Pinkie brought her hands back up to her face and considered this. “Fine…” she sighed out.

Dan grinned with his mouth full of pointed death and rubbed his hands together. “Great! Now that that’s settled, where should we go? I’m thinking…”

-

“Lenny’s?Are you serious?” Elise asked, shocked. “Even excluding Pinkie’s first visit, remember when she discovered imitation vanilla for the first time?”

-ooooooo-<

“Imitation Vanilla?! Imitation Vaaanillaaaa?!” Pinkie said as her squeaky voice changed into a screech. “Listen here, buster! I know ‘imitation’ is the ‘highest form of flattery’, but this is a crime against food! How can you even think this bland, fake, LIE, of a real substance is an acceptable substitute! I wouldn’t feed this to my alligator! I WOULDN’T FEED THIS TO THE ALLIGATORS IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!”

The hapless chef looked up from the stool Pinkie had sat him on for his high-pitched dressing down. “Can..can I go now? My shift ended hours ago, and…”

“I’M NOT FINISHED TELLING YOU HOW BAD YOU ARE AT EVERYTHING AND HOW YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN YOUR WORTHLESS, BAKED GOODS RUINING LIFE!”

<-ooooooo->

Elise continued, “Or the time she and…”

-

“…I made that awesome pancake thrower!” Dan said, trying to sway his roommate.

-ooooooo-<

“Catapult.” Dan offered.

Pinkie thought about this for a second. “Isn’t catapult ammunition usually…round?” Pinkie motioned her hands in a spherical manner. “And pancakes are flat,” Pinkie moved her hands together to symbolize flat. “I doubt we could control the trajectory with all that air resistance.” Pinkie held up one palm flatly and wiggled her fingers at it with the other, signifying air moving against the flat side of a pancake.

“Trebuchet!”

“Same problem, you’re just using a counter-weight instead of skein to throw the pancakes awkwardly,” Pinkie replied as she absentmindedly chewed on the end of a straw.

Dan smiled, he was enjoying that Pinkie was surprisingly knowledgeable about siege weaponry, him and her just having had a very fulfilling discussion on cannons. “Ballista,” he continued.

Pinkie brought her elbows onto the table, raising her forearms towards her face as she clasped a loose hand around a loose fist. She rested her chin on her hands as she glanced towards the corners of her eye and continued chewing her straw.

Pinkie frowned. “I don’t think the pancake would retain its shape as it was propelled through the trough at such a high speed,” She explained.

Dan turned his head with a thoughtful expression and rested his chin on his palm. He began racking his brain for something else that could propel pancakes through the air at dangerous speeds but not suffer the same problems Pinkie had listed.

Dan heard a snap from the across the table, he turned to see a smiling Pinkie holding up a finger in an “Ah Ha!” pose. “Disk thrower,” she announced with a proud grin.

Dan knitted his brow. “Disk thrower?”

“Yeah, like…like a catapult, but instead of throwing the pancakes overhand,”--Pinkie mimicked an overhand throw with her arm--“we grip it by the edge and toss it horizontally while adding a spin to give it stability.” Pinkie mimicked throwing a disc or Frisbee. “That way it can fly in a targeted glide!”

Dan paused.

“…THAT’S THE GREATEST IDEA ANYONE HAS EVER HAD, EVER!” He insisted, excitedly slapping his palms on the table, leaning closer in.

Pinkie mirrored his response with an “Iknowright?!”

Dan turned to a familiar looking, skinny waitress with California tanned skin and blonde hair.

“Garcon!” He commanded. “More pancakes, post haste!”

The waitress rolled her eyes. “’Garcon’ means ‘boy’.” She replied with mild annoyance.

“I know!” Dan responded cheerfully. “I just don’t like you!”

Soon the booth the pair was sitting at was a mess of discarded pieces of wood, sawdust, tools, and a large, wooden device that looked much as if a catapult had been placed on its side and had its bucket squashed into more of a flat disk shape.

“I can’t believe the store room had all that rope and tools sitting in it!”  Pinkie said, admiring the medieval looking device she and Dan had created.

“I can’t believe they didn’t kick us out when we stole all the shelves from the store room and used them to create this device,” Dan replied.

“Alright…” Pinkie carefully loaded a pancake onto the disk of the long wooden throwing ‘arm’ which extended toward the front of the device.

 Dan turned a winch on the side of the device which reeled in a rope that slowly pulled the arm back until it was pulled behind the device.

“Target?” Pinkgie asked.

“That family with the obnoxious kids who refuse to sit still and the parents who refuse to do anything about it,” Dan suggested.

“Dan,” Pinkie said with a reprimanding tone. “I’m not going to use this on people! No matter how bad the children are or the parents are at raising them,” she insisted.

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes before he replied, “Oh, all right. How about that metal cylinder a little to the right of the obnoxious family.”

“You mean ‘garbage can’”? Pinkie offered.

“Whatever! It’s not a human, is it?”

Pinkie’s expression softened back into a smile. “That’s acceptable.” She shifted the device slightly as she eyed her target.

“PULL!” Dan yelled.

Pinkie pulled back a small lever on the device which caused the arm to rocket back into place, releasing the pancake to spin and glide at high speed, the doughy discus cutting through the restaurant air and directly into the food and beverages sitting on top of the table in front of the 'obnoxious' family, splattering soda and food all over them.

Dan buried his mouth into his arm and tried to stifle a laugh.

“Whoops…” Pinkie uttered. “My calibration was off.” She fiddled with a few components on the device and loaded a second pancake.

Dan dutifully winched the arm back again. “PULL!”

This time the pancake sailed too far right, colliding with the cash register. It fell off its perch and directly onto the chest of the Lenny’s employee working it, who collapsed to the floor under its weight.

Pinkie wrinkled her features over the cry of “MY RIB CAGE!” and uttered a “Too much” as she did more adjustments.

“Misaligned calculations aside, the fact that we took out a cash register with a pancake is very impressive,” Dan said with delight.

Pinkie loaded the arm. “Alright, that should do it, winch it up.”

Dan complied as their waitress angrily walked up to the table and stood in front of them. “WHAT THE HECK DO YOU TWO THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” she demanded.

“Pull!” Pinkie commanded herself, launching a point-blank pancake into the chest of their irate waitress. This was quickly followed by a surprised yelp, the sound of breaking glass, and a loud 'Thump!'

Pinkie and Dan peered through the waitress sized hole that was just recently made in one of the large windows of the restaurant.

Dan turned to Pinkie. “Not that I’m complaining, but I thought you said ‘no people’.”

Pinkie turned to Dan. “Yeah, I don’t really like her, either.” She admitted.

<-ooooooo->

“DAN!” Pinkie insisted, "I said…”

-

“No way are we going back there after I had to remove you two after the syrup fiasco!” Elise said sternly.

-ooooooo-<

Pinkie eyed one of the syrup dispensers carefully and looked up. “Did you ever just want to drink the entire contents of one of these things?”

“Only every day of my life,  ” Chris responded, his pupils dilating with the thought.

“No! That’s disgusting,” Dan replied. “However, I have a strange and sudden urge to see what will happen if you two do it,” he said in a ponderous tone.

Pinkie grinned mischievously, and looked across the table to Chris. She held  up one of the syrup dispensers by the handle, the viscous, translucent, light red material contained within seductively shifting back and forth. “Syrup race?” she offered.

Chris wasted no time picking out his weapon of choice, a dark blue tinted syrup of his own. “You’re on!” he said, as determination took hold of his features.

Pinkie turned to Dan who was sitting next to her.

“Dan, would you like to get us started?”

Dan looked from Pinkie then to Chris. Both had wild, yet excited and resolute expressions plastered on their faces.

Dan shrugged. “Go!”

The two competitors wasted no time in opening and placing the syrup dispensers to their lips, quickly emptying the contents in large gulps within a matter of seconds.

With a strong clink of thick glass hitting wood, Pinkie gleefully brought her empty dispenser to the table, a split second before Chris.

“HAH!” she said, her eye twitching slightly.

“Hey, no fair!” Chris complained. “The strawberry is thinner than the blueberry!”

“Oh Chris, don’t be such a baby,” Dan replied.

Pinkie wiped her mouth with her arm in a jerky, quick movement. “No, Dan. He might be right! I will not have my victory tarnished by inconsistent syrup viscosity!”

In a flash, Chris and Pinkie snagged the remaining two dispensers on the table. They eyed each other carefully with pupils that had slowly started to grow in size, then the two turned and looked at Dan.

Dan examined the two with renewed interest and uttered a soft, “go.”

*2 additional races later*

“Dan! Dan, Dan, Dan, DanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDan!”

“WHAT?!” Dan asked, looking into Pinkie’s eyes, the blue having seceded much territory to her black pupils at this point.

“I can see forever, Dan!” Pinkie replied, wide eyed, her normally content smile being replaced by one a bit wilder.

Chris suddenly dashed onto the scene holding another four syrup dispensers in a metal holder. “Pinkie! I got us another set!” Chris said, his own blue eyes likewise, turning black. “We mustn’t let this stalemate stand!”

“Oh, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!”

The two turned to Dan who had noticed the pair of competitors seemed to be vibrating.

Are they excited, or suffering some sort of crazy glucose overdose..? Oh well, as long as they’re having fun…and I’m not likely to get hurt.

“Go!”

In a flash, syrup went from dispenser to throat.

Dan picked up his phone and dialed. “Elise? You might want to get down to Lenny’s…” Dan eyed the two sticky individuals who were grinning at him with, wide, toothy grins. The two were already holding their next set of dispensers. “…Bring a tarp.” He added.

“Go!”

*14 additional races later*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE ‘OUT OF SYRUP’!” Pinkie screeched at a familiar waitress, the waitress having changed her look slightly by adding a cast and sling on one arm and some assorted bandages over her face.

“You two...you two drank all the syrup in the restaurant.” The waitress gulped. “There isn’t anymore.”

“I don’t believe her!” Chris said. “I think she just wants it all for herself!” Chris positioned an accusatory finger at the waitress with unbelievable speed. The blacks of his pupils had conquered almost all other color from his eyes.

“You’re right Chris!” Pinkie replied, her eyes similarly practically pitch black at this point. “My new syrup sense sees through her trickery!” In a flash, Pinkie was behind the waitress and had hooked her arms under the waitress’s. “Quick!” Pinkie said. “I’ll hold her in place, you hit her until she confesses her sins!”

Chris grimly approached the waitress. “It doesn’t have to go down this way. Just tell us where you’re hiding the syrup.”

“You know…”Dan interrupted, placing a hand on Chris’s arm. A hand which he quickly pulled back staring at the sticky residue that had just affixed itself to his palm. “One would imagine you’d just let someone else serve us at some point.” he said, looking at the restrained waitress.

Tears began streaming from the waitresses face as fear gripped her. “I…I’m trying to wreak petty vengeance on you all by being a”--The waitress sniffed loudly--"baaaaaad server!”

Dan paused. “OK, now I sorta feel like you’ve brought this upon yourself. Go ahead and hit her Chris.”

“DAN! CHRIS! PINKIE! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE!?” Elise called from the entrance, trying to process the sticky scene of violence she had just interrupted.

“Hiya, Elise!” Pinkie replied cheerfully, her head twitching slightly and teeth grinding for a split second. “Chris and I are tied and were about to interrogate this syrup stasher so we can have a game winning match! Wanna help?” Pinkie asked, her head jerking to the side slightly.

“DAN! What did you do!?” Elise asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Me!” Dan said in a hurt tone. “I didn’t do anything! I just sat in judgment of them.”

“That doesn’t sound very helpful, Dan!” Elise countered.

“Wha… I was very helpful!” Dan contended. “Wait, did I said ‘judgment’? I meant ‘judged’! As in ‘I helped judge for them’.”

“Pleaeaeaeaease let me go!” The panicked waitress pleaded.

“No more stalling!” Pinkie replied. “Chris, start hitting!”

“But I already told you there isn’t any more syrup!” The waitress insisted.

“Punch her, Chris,” Pinkie insisted forcefully, “Punch her in the face!”

With great speed, Chris pulled back his fist and then there was a flash of movement from behind him as Elise expertly propelled a chop from her hand into the side of his neck.

Chris’s eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed in a heap.

Pinkie’s eyes narrowed as she released her captive who fell to the ground in a heap of tears. “Not cool, Elise. I can’t compete with an unconscious man.”

Elise raised her hands into tense knives ready to fight her way through another opponent. “Are we going to do this the hard way?” she inquired of the pink haired, syrup hyped girl in front of her.

Pinkie’s eye twitched and her teeth gritted.

Dan watched with quiet interest.

The two women had a tense stare down.

Pinkie sighed, grabbed a glass, filled it with orange soda from a nearby soda fountain and poured the contents onto the waitress who screamed in agony. “Your husband owes me a rematch.” She insisted as she walked towards the entrance, casually lobbing the empty glass behind her, causing it to shatter on the floor.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed her husband under his arms, and dragged him out.

Dan walked up to the waitress and looked down at her, regarding her. He opened his wallet, pulled out a wrinkled five dollar bill, and dropped it in front of her quivering body with a “You don’t deserve this, but…”

Dan walked off towards the entrance.

…

And then he walked back and retrieved his five dollars. “Yeah, you really don’t deserve this.” He said, returning to the entrance.

<-ooooooo->

Chris pondered this for a second. “You know, Pinkie and I still haven’t had that rematch…”

“No, Chris! You’re still washing syrup out your…”

-

“…hair,” Pinkie said, glancing up at her own pink curls in irritation.

“Hey, I cleaned you off!” Dan insisted.

“Being drenched with a garden hose before I was allowed back in the apartment is not what I’d consider being ‘cleaned off’.”

“But you were all sticky!” Dan whined.

Pinkie sighed, rolled her eyes, and crossed her arms. “NO LENNY’S!”

“Fine!” Dan said with a huff. He turned his head slightly as he heard approaching footsteps. “Hey, they’re…”

_

“… here,” Chris said, knocking on the apartment door.

It flung open. “Chris! Elise!” Pinkie flung her arms around the couple and squeezed tight, her customary greeting.

The two managed weak “Hi, Pinkie.”s through Pinkie’s boa constrictor like grip.

“Oh, I’m so excited to see you two here, are you excited?! Are ya, Are ya, Areya, huh huh! OOH! I haven’t sung you two my new and improved welcome song.”

Elise smiled and raised an eyebrow. “You have songs?”

“I’m pretty sure Pinkie is mostly composed of songs,” Dan said.

“Oh, Dan! Can I sing it?! Can I? Can I? Please~?” Pinkie begged, giving Dan a double barrel shot of puppy dog eyes, dazzling smile, and hands cupped under her chin.

“Knock yourself out,” Dan sighed.

Pinkie inhaled a large amount of air, and…

Welcome welcome welcome

I hope you were not robbed!

Welcome welcome welcome

Did you avoid all the snobs?

Welcome welcome welcome

I hope your car stays okay

Welcome welcome welcome

To our apartment toooodaaaaay!

Elise and Chris put on amused expressions.

“Uhhh, thanks?” Chris replied.

“I meant literally,” Dan qualified.

“Dan, did you have something to do with those lyrics?” Elise asked irritably.

Dan gave himself a small grin. “Hehe, yeah…”

“Dan said my original lyrics didn’t properly convey the" -- Pinkie air quoted --  “ ‘horrors’ of living here…Although, his original suggestions were a bit…graphic,” Pinkie explained.

Elise tossed Dan a glance, but opted to avoid lecturing him on his ongoing corruption of his roommate. Pinkie was usually the first to his defense anyhow. “Ready to go?” she asked.

“Sure Elise, just let me get…” Pinkie’s expression shifted to something a little more pensive as if she just noticed Elise “…my bag…” Pinkie slinked off back into the apartment and down into the fort.

Elise frowned, having wished she could have calmly explained her feelings rather than Dan delivering a threat of violence on her behalf.

“DUDE! YOU HAVE A FORT?!” Chris exclaimed excitedly.

“…Did you just ‘dude’ me?” Dan replied with a raised eyebrow.

Pinkie popped out from under the foosball table, pink bag in tow. “Ready!” She said excitedly.

“I can’t believe you two have a fort!” Chris continued.

“Ooh! Would you like to see inside Fort Dan Pie?” Pinkie asked.

“WOULD I?!”

 Chris was under the foosball table and out of sight in a matter of seconds. “You guys have a bed, and a TV, AND A CAT!?”

Mr. Mumbles gave a quiet “meow” in response.

Chris reappeared. “This is AWESOME!” He stood up and looked at his wife. “Can WE make a fort?! Please!” Chris grinned widely,showing all his teeth.

Elise fought back the initial response to say 'No' when she saw the excited look on Chris’s face. She rolled her eyes while smiling.

Who knows, it could be fun.

“Alright, honey,” she said, patting Chris’s arm.

Chris gave himself a little “Yay!” and embraced his wife, kissing her on the lips.

“Awww…” Pinkie replied.

“Ulg...” Dan replied, walking towards the stairs. “Can we go? This mushy stuff is hurting my appetite.”

The group made its way to the car, Pinkie bounding the entire way.

“So…Where are we going?” Chris asked from the driver seat. “I’m thinking…”

“Chris, if you say ‘Burgerphile’ I will hurt you,” Elise interrupted.

Chris frowned, “Okay, then how about--?.”

“Chris, if you say 'Lenny’s'I can’t be held responsible for my actions,” Pinkie said.

Chris sighed, “Alright then, what about--?”

“Chris, if you say anything, I’m going to punch you,” Dan stated.

“Any particular reason?” Pinkie asked from the seat next to him.

Dan shrugged. “I just wanted to be included.”

Chris thought for a second. “PizzaOW!” He rubbed his recently punched arm.

Elise thought for a second then responded, “Oh, that gives me an idea! Tomato Garden!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, let’s all get mediocre Italian chain food,” he said grumpily.

Elise turned back to argue with him, but Pinkie interrupted.

“Ooh! What about the Italian place you took me to, Dan! It was super yummy! And we haven’t caused any property damage there or assaulted anyone with food or anything!”

Elise looked at Dan in surprise. “You took her out…and you two didn’t destroy anything…” Elise thought for a second and added, “…Or anybody?”

“Well, Pinkie is still on the fence about meat, so I’ve had to expand my restaurant choices.” Dan insisted.

Elise turned forward in her seat and smiled, it wasn’t like Dan to think of anybody but himself. “Sounds good.”

-ooooo-

The four managed to enjoy a fairly normal meal. Aside from Dan irritably describing how to pronounce 'bruschetta' to Chris, and Elise irritably describing what 'linguini' was to Dan.

Normal until…

The waiter placed a black tray with a slip of paper in the center of the table.

Pinkie and Elise looked at it slip of paper then up at each other.

Pinkie’s eyes narrowed as she reached for her pink bag.

Elise hands tensed as she reached into her own pocket. “Are we going to do this the hard way?” she inquired of the pink haired girl in front of her.

Pinkie’s eye twitched and her teeth gritted.

Dan watched with quiet interest.

Chris gulped, his eyes moving back and forth between his wife and Pinkie.

The two women had a tense stare down.

Pinkie shot up straight, bag and in hand, and announced “Bathroom!”, then dashed away.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed her wallet, and deposited a plastic card on top of the black tray.

-ooo-

Pinkie breathed heavily in front of the bathroom mirror, splashing water on her face. She reached into her bag and produced a small compact mirror.

“Hello?” Pinkie asked. “Is anypony there?”

Twilight’s head popped into view. “Pinkie!” she said excitedly. “You would not believe what I discovered looking at those devices! Did you know humans use gold as a conducto…”

“Twilight, I’m sorry. But can you find Rarity for me?” Pinkie looked down for a second. “It’s kind of an emergency.”

Twilight blinked a few times. “Sure Pinkie,” she said with a warm smile. Twilight looked up towards the ceiling as if searching it for something as her horn glowed purple. In a purple flash she was out of sight.

Pinkie sighed. Why does being generous have to be so complicated?

The mirror flashed purple once more, Twilight was back with a white unicorn in an elegant dress, heavy bags under her eyes.

“So, Pinkie, Twilight tells me you need my help?”

“Oh more than ever, Rarity! I need your advice!”

“Of course, darling,” Rarity said. “I’m always happy to help my dear friend, Pinkie Pie.”

Twilight smiled and excused herself back to her work with an “I’ll just leave you two alone…”

“So, tell me! What seems to be the trouble?” Rarity asked with a tired smile.

“Well…You know how I have that wallet that somehow never runs out of money?”

“Hmm, yes, I remember telling you how jealous I was on numerous occasions.”

Pinkie giggled slightly, then exhaled a large volume of air. “Well, I keep on buying everything here for my friends, but even though I have all this money and it’s no trouble, and I really, really, really want to help them, it sounds like it’s actually making them super-duper uncomfortable, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable! I only want to help everybody and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want my help despite it being no trouble from me, so I thought my friend Rarity” -- Pinkie pointed at Rarity through the mirror -- “being the element of generosity could tell me what I need to do!”

Pinkie stopped and took a series of short, shallow breaths.

Rarity smiled a knowing smile. ”Yes, I see exactly how that can be a problem.”

Pinkie perked up. “You DO?! So do you think it might be some weird, human, thing? Because there’s a lot of weird things here. Did you know they all have these giant metal fences to keep in the tiniest dogs ever?”

Rarity held up a hoof, to quiet her friend. “No, Pinkie. I mean, I understand how that could make your friends uncomfortable.”

Pinkie put on a pout, “Really? Because I don’t!”

Rarity tapped a hoof against her chin and thought for a second before she looked up at Pinkie. “Okay, what if the Cakes suddenly decided to let you stay with them rent free? In fact, say they did that and said you no longer needed to work at the bakery or babysit, but they’d still pay you anyways?”

“Well, I…” Pinkie’s eyes went wide as a thought finally clicked in her brain. “I guess I’d feel like I was a charity case to them…”

Rarity nodded with a smile. “Exactly!”

“Thanks Rarity! I need to get going, but…can I ask you one more favor?” Pinkie asked tentatively.

“Of course!”

Pinkie turned her mirror so it was facing that bathroom mirror and held it close. “Could you maybe try to get some more sleep?”

Rarity touched a hoof to the black bags under eyes and stuck her lower lip out, it quivering a bit.

“Pinkie?”

Pinkie turned the mirror back to face her. “Yes, Rarity?”

“I shall excuse myself from my current engagement immediately.” Rarity said with a smile. “Thank you.”

Pinkie smiled wide. “No, thank you, Rarity! Say goodbye to Twilight for me, would ya?”

Rarity nodded, smile still on her face. “Of course.”

Pinkie closed the mirror, put it back into her bag, and then exited the bathroom.

Dan, Chris, and Elise all stood up as Pinkie approached.

“Everything okay?” Elise asked, concerned.

Pinkie gave her friend a quick hug that was reciprocated. “Yeah,” Pinkie answered with a smile. “Everything’s fine.”

The group started walking to the exit.

“So…dessert,” Pinkie began. “I’m thinking ice cream.”

The other three stopped and stared at her.

“Chris is buying,” Pinkie said with a wry grin.

“Wha…why me?” Chris began.

“Second,” Dan said with a huge smile.

“Hey! But…”

“Thirded,” Elise added with a smile to match Dan’s.

Chris sighed.

At least I still get to make a furniture fort.

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Chapter 15 Pinkie Vs. Doberman

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily LifeChapter 15 Pinkie Vs. Doberman -ooooooo-

Pinkie added a couple of spray canisters to her belt as she looked herself over in the mirror.

She was wearing her white and light red horizontally striped, long sleeved shirt that she had ironed some balloons in place of her cutie mark; some rolled up, cut-off denim shorts; her pink sneakers (which had taken her quite some time to lace up properly with her hands and teeth); and a small assortment of colorful bracelets on her wrists.

In addition, she had added a long length, short sleeved, light blue jacket.

Pinkie sighed.

If only I had a place for my crowbar…

She thought for a second, and went to the kitchen. Digging through the drawers, she pulled out a long chef’s knife in a plastic sheath. She unsheathed the cutting utensil and looked over the deadly looking implement as her reflection stared back at her.

This feels…right…

Though, in a very ‘I’m going to start abducting people from the neighborhood and brutally torture them to death over the course of several days via some sort of random number lottery’ sort of way…

…Yeah, better make this my last resort…

Pinkie placed the knife on a side pocket on her pink laptop bag, then slung the bag over her shoulder.

Alright, I have two cans of mace, a knife, money, and a song.

I’m ready for battle.

Pinkie gulped as she reached for the doorknob to the apartment door.

I’m going to do it!

I’m going to walk to the store and buy some groceries!

Pinkie carefully opened the door and stepped out into the California sun.

The oppressive heat beat down on her as she slowly made her way to the stairs, her normal bounding from place to place replaced with slow, calculated walking.

Her stomach churned as she pushed on, making it to the street and slowly pushing herself beyond the sidewalk to the next block over.

Slowly but surely, she made it block by block. Eventually, she tentatively began singing.

Take care when you're walking down the streets

Because you never know who you just might meet

There's lots of muggers out here your stuff they want to keep

And they won't hesitate to give your face a…

“Hey, Pinkie.”

“Eek!”

In a flash, Pinkie had grabbed a mace canister in each hand and gave her potential assailant a double dose of mace.

“…Well good afternoon to you, too.” Dan said, slightly irritated by the pepper shower he was just given.

“DAN!” Pinkie exclamed, excitedly giving her roommate a big hug and rubbing her soft face against his abrasive, unshaved one, noticing something a bit wet and hot against her face…

“Whoops…” Pinkie said as the depth of what she had done set in physically and mentally.

-ooooo-

“WHY IS EVERYTHING ON YOUR WORLD MADE OF PAIN!?” Pinkie cried to her roommate through the cheap, hollow core door of their bathroom.

Dan leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. Aside from the sound of tortured, painful sobs, and running water, this was the first sound Dan had heard in quite some time.

“You get used to it,” he said, loud enough for Pinkie to hear through the door and over the running shower.

“REALLY?!” Pinkie managed to choke back.

Dan pondered his own pain threshold built up after years of savage beatings and being exposed to debilitating chemicals. “Yeah, really.”

Dan heard the water turn off and waited a few minutes for Pinkie to emerge, curly hair still wet. She had swapped out her striped shirt for a red one with a floral pattern (the striped shirt now needing a good washing unless the wearer wanted to simulate the feeling of having their torso set on fire). Her face was still red and a bit puffy. Her eyes still watered, and there was a pleading look plastered on her face and directed full force in Dan’s direction.

Dan sighed, knowing full well what was coming. “You wanna talk about it?” he mumbled.

Pinkie vigorously shook her head up and down with the same look on her face, spraying the area with water.

Dan wiped a now moist face with his palm and made his way to Fort Dan Pie, crawling in and sitting on his side of the mattress, Pinkie right behind.

“Groceries,” Pinkie said, her shirt slowly getting soaked as water continued to drop down from her hair.

“You want groceries?” Dan said with a raised eyebrow. “We can get groceries.”

“Not ‘we’,”Pinkie corrected, “just ‘me’”.

Dan stared blankly, so Pinkie continued.

“I can’t just sit in the apartment all day and wait for you to come back before I do anything…I need to pony up and do this on my own.”

Dan paused. “... You’re having difficulty walking ten blocks?” he asked as surprise entered his face.

“Dan! This place is ter-ri-fy-ing, I was nearly mugged within a minute of arriving, half the people drive around distracted by their phones, everyone has these big iron gates like they’re trying to keep the Black Knight at bay, and tiny yappy dogs bark at you everywhere you go… except for the one house right before the grocery store! They have this scary looking Doberman that always acts like it wants to tear the throat out of anyone who walks by!”

Dan thought for a second. “Oh that dog? Yeah, he probably does want to tear out your throat…”

“SEE!”

“So that’s what you were doing before you decided my day wasn’t spicy enough? Walking to the store?”

Pinkie nodded.

“And the song?” Dan asked.

Pinkie sighed before she continued, “Well, I have a song for when I’m scared, but it’s more for imagined dangers. Not for the very real danger of being flattened by a soccer mom who's texting dinner plans back and forth with her overweight, alcoholic husband.”

Dan smiled. “You do a really good job of remembering my rants,” he complimented.

Pinkie also smiled. “Why, thank you.”

Dan rubbed his chin and looked up towards the sheet that served as a ceiling. “What if…I shadowed you?”

“…Like a ninja?” Pinkie offered.

“Exactly, I’ll just be a block or two behind, and I can step in in case you need my help.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Oh, you’re the best Dan!”  Pinkie leaned in and gave her roommate a big hug.

“…You haven’t washed your face or changed your shirt since we got back, have you.” Pinkie asked, already feeling some warmth return to her face.

“Not as such, no,” Dan admitted.

*One pain filled shower, blow dry, and change of shirt later.*

Pinkie stood ready, decked out as she was when she first began her long excursion to the grocery store, save she was now wearing her pink and darker pink raglan (also, now sporting some small balloons for her cutie mark).

She opened the door and strolled out into the street with far more confidence than she had at her disposal earlier that day.

Dan followed, but kept his distance.

It wasn’t before long that Pinkie broke into song once more.

“Take care when you're walking down the streets”

“Because you never know who you just might meet”

Dan noticed a shadowy figure slip out of an alley behind Pinkie, knife drawn, but for some reason swaying back and forth to the rhythm of Pinkie’s song.

“There's lots of muggers out here your stuff they want to keep”

“And they won't hesitate to give your face a beet”

Dan increased his pace as it became apparent Pinkie was in danger.

“Oh, you better watch out when you cross the road”

“'Cause there might be a driver talking on their cell phone”

Dan got far enough to notice a car barreling down the street, and glanced at a driver happily chatting away into his phone, somehow also swaying to Pinkie’s rhythm.

“And even though the law will not condone “

“They may run you over and you'll die alone”

Dan watched in amazement as the car plowed straight into the would-be mugger, who tumbled up over the car and hit the ground with a resounding thud. The car began to fishtail and lose control.

“And that's what I came here to say,”

“That this city is really scary and hey, hey, heeeey..!”

Dan cringed as the car flew past Pinkie, narrowly swerving around the pink haired girl who was now happily trotting to her destination as she sung at full volume.

“Oh you better keep your eyes peeled~”

“'Cause the threats out here are very real~”

Dan flinched as the Car finally stopped via collision with one of the many palm trees lining the street. The hood caving in and the airbag deploying.

“You might find yourself being robbed”

“Or you might end up- mauled by a dog”

“Buuuut if you wanna make it very far”

“And you wanna be a grocery buying star”

“And you don't know how to drive a car”

“You take a walk but don't forget where you are”

“'Cause now palm trees fill me with a sense of dread”

On cue, the palm tree that just had a rendezvous with the car collapsed, crashing into a spiky, iron fence across the street.

“But I can't let this place get to my head”

Dan noted the startled yelp of a large Dog from the yard that now had the top of the palm tree crushing its fence.

“And I wanna sleep nice and sound in my bed”

“So I better walk a few blocks and buy some bread”

“And that's what I came here to say,”

“That this city is really scary and hey, hey, heeeey!”

“Oh you better keep your eyes peeled”

“'Cause the threats out here are very real”

“You might find yourself being robbed”

“Or you might end up- mauled by a dog”

Dan watched as the Doberman squeezed through the new opening and began growling then approaching pink haired girl.

Dan quickened his pace once more.

“I SAY, hey, hey, hey!”

In one swift movement, Pinkie placed her hand on the palm tree and jumped, moving her legs sideways to clear the tree.

The large dog jumped after her, but struggled to get over the large, round tree.

Dan held his breath as he slowly approached, Pinkie was almost to the store…

“You better keep your eyes peeled”

“The threats out here are very real”

The Doberman cleared the tree.

“You might find yourself being robbed”

The Doberman got up to Pinkie just in time to have the grocery store door closed on its snout.

“Or you might end up- mauled by a dog”

It yelped, and pawed its nose, then began to pace in front of the door.

“But if it's my advice you want to take”

Dan sprinted the rest of the way, hoping to distract the dog.

“Go to the store and buy a cake”

Somehow Pinkie was still singing loud enough for him to hear, even through the walls of the store.

“Then dump cayenne pepper all over the place”

“Alright, jerk dog. Let’s dance!” Dan said, not sure how he was going to beat up a large, vicious dog without weapons…

Wait, what?

The dog turned to face Dan with a growl, but the door to the store flung open.

“And throw that sucker into a dogs face!”

The dog turned just in time to see a rapidly approaching pink confectionery cover its vision in frosting, cake, and a bright red powder. It shook its head to remove the bulk of the mass, however frosting had plastered on a large amount of the spicy substance to the dogs face. The dog yelped, feverishly pawed at its nose, and scurried its way past fallen palm tree back into its yard.

Dan’s jaw dropped.

“So if you wanna make it very far”

“And you wanna be a grocery buying star”

“And you don't know how to drive a car”

“You take a walk but don't forget where you are!”

There was a pause, and then clapping as Dan broke out in applause.

Pinkie swayed an arm to the side, and another over her chest, taking a bow.

Dan’s clapping was interrupted by an explosion. The car that had crashed earlier suddenly deciding there simply wasn’t enough fire in the world.

Dan and Pinkie surveyed the mini-scene of carnage that marked Pinkie’s path from apartment to store; Mugger lying in the middle of the street, fiery car, palm tree that had fallen to the other side of the street, crushed fence, and finally, a dog desperately trying to lap up its entire water dish that would probably think twice before it lashed out against its pink haired foe.

“Does this happen every time you sing?” Dan asked, motioning down the street

“Well…usually ponies just join in with me…I don’t really have to worry about being mugged or ran over in Ponyville, so most my songs spread joy and cheer.” Pinkie responded.

“As opposed to the fire and destruction they spread over here?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Terrifying songs for a terrifying place, I guess.”

“Anyhow, that was amazing. We should celebrate with dinner, my treat,” Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie mirrored his smile. “I’d like that, but first…would you like to go grocery shopping with me?”

Dan shrugged and said, “Sure,” maintaining his smile.

The two walked into the store, illuminated a flickering orange by the fire that had now spread to the palm tree. The door closed behind them, muffling the sound of fire truck sirens approaching.

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Chapter 16 Pinkie Vs. Mr. Mumbles

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily LifeChapter 16 Pinkie Vs. Mr. Mumbles -ooooooo-

Dan sighed as he looked over the mangled mouse in Pinkie’s palms.

To her credit, she obviously wasn’t squeamish about vermin or even dead, mangled ones. To her detriment, she was looking at him with sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips. A look he had begun to associate with him having to do some bizarre, asinine task if he wanted his roommate to be more than a sad, depressing heap for the foreseeable future.

“What is it, now?” Dan said in an exasperated tone, rolling his eyes.

“I…sniff…I opened the door…sob…and I found this…whimper…ma-ma-mouse…” Pinkie choked out.

“…And?” Dan said impatiently.

Pinkie’s lip quivering intensified, “and…sniff sniff…IT’S DEAD! WHOUAAAAAAAA!” Pinkie turned into a fountain of tears.

Dan buried his face in his palm and slowly dragged the hand downward.

Thanks, roomie. Couldn’t have figured that one out without you.

“Well, I can’t resurrect the dead! I mean…not without them becoming twisted versions of their former selves,” Dan replied. He shivered slightly as an unpleasant memory surfaced. “…I’m not sure they’ll ever clean all the blood off the pet cemetery….”

Pinkie regained her composure enough to choke out, “We…sniffle…WE NEED TO HAVE A FUNERAL!”  Pinkie began crying once more.

Dan threw his arms to the sides and looked to the sky in a 'seriously?' pose. Yep, bizarre and asinine.

He cupped a hand over Pinkie's mouth and stared into her watery, blue eyes. “Okay, I’m going to remove my hand. And when I do you’re going to calmly explain to me why we’re having a funeral for vermin.” Dan raised the index finger on his other hand and pointed at Pinkie. “Now I want you to focus here, you’ll be graded, and a bad score means you’ll be sleeping in the car for one or more nights.”

Pinkie stifled her sobs and tears somewhat.

“Understand?” Dan asked.

Pinkie solemnly nodded and Dan removed his hands.

“We…we need to have a funeral so the family can move on,” Pinkie answered

Dan sighed. This is probably going to be another explanation about stupid animals in his world being even stupider in than the ones in her world…save Mr. Mumbles, who understs English well enough to read…

“…Also, if the body isn’t laid to rest properly, the mouse’s spirit might seek revenge upon the living,” Pinkie added.

Dan paused. Okay, yeah, that’s actually sort of a pretty good reason…

Dan sighed, “Fine!”

Pinkie’s expression brightened. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Yay!” Pinkie said, taking her roommate in a hard embrace.

In addition to his bones cracking, Dan felt something wet and viscous press against his back.

“Oops…” Pinkie muttered.

Still held tightly in Pinkie’s embrace, Dan fixed her with a ragefull stare, his lips pulled up into a sneer. “Pinkie,” Dan said through gritted teeth, his eye twitching, “did you just squish mouse guts against me?”

Pinkie pensively looked to the side. “Ummm….yes?” she admitted, meeting his angry glare with a nervous smile.

“… Do me a favor and find a box or bag or ANYTHING to keep that thing in and then wash your hands. I’m going to go burn this shirt then take a shower…”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “Sure thing, Dan.”

-ooooo-

Elise examined a tape measure carefully. “Alright Chris, that should do it.” She clicked a button on the tape measure and the tape slid back with a 'snap!'

Chris smiled standing up and looking over the chairs that had been strategically placed. “You think that’ll do it for the load-bearing structures?”

Elise unfurled a blue and white set of blueprints. “With the couch and loveseat at the ends, yes.”

Chris heard his phone ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered it with a, “Hey Dan.”

“Chris, I need you and Elise to come over here,” Dan replied.

“Yeah, we’re kinda too busy for a venge…” Chris’s eyes went wide as he fully processed what Dan asked. “Did you say me and Elise?!”

“No, I said ‘you and Elise’, what you should have said was ‘Elise and I’.” Dan shouted into his phone angrily.

Elise rolled the blue prints up and looked up at her husband.

“Okay…well, why does your scheme include both of us?” Chris continued.

Dan sighed, “It’s not a scheme. We need attendees.”

“We?” Chris asked. “As in ‘you and Pinkie’?”

Elise smiled. Oh good. If Pinkie's involved it probably means something a bit tamer than Dan's usual rampage. And even if it is a vengeance run, Pinkie should keep acts of violence to a minimum... Elise paused as she dwelled on this more. Though, we may be looking at more property damage...

Dan sighed louder this time, “Yes, she and me.”

Chris smiled smugly, “I think you mean, ‘She and I’, Dan.”

“No one likes a grammar Nazi, Chris,” Dan responded.

It was Chris’s turn to sigh. Is it too much to ask I win won argument with Dan? “Attendees for what? Pinkie throwing another party?”

“Actually, she’s throwing a funeral.”

Chris looked concern. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Who died?”

Elise’s expression also changed to one of concern.

Dan said something inaudible into the phone.

“What?”

“A mouse.”

Chris paused, then started laughing. “Dan…chuckle…we’re not attending a funeral for a mouse.”

Elise, likewise, broke into laughter.

Dan put on a wicked smile and handed the phone to Pinkie Pie. “They seem…reluctant.”

In an instant, Pinkie snatched the phone. “Oh Chris! You two have to come! You just have to!”

“Pinkie? I…”

“Because if you two don’t come the mouse might not be at peace, and if he’s not at peace, then his whole family might not be at peace!”

“I don’t think…”

“And if they’re not at peace, they may become distraught with grief! And if they become distraught with grief, they may commitmass suicide!”

“Mice don’t…”

 “And if we don’t have funerals for them, then their extended family might become distraught and that means more mice suicides! And then there will be dozens, hundreds, thousands of mice that need funerals and if they don’t get them they’ll never be at peace, and all those mice who can’t rest will rise up and then we’ll have an army of zombie mice seeking revenge upon the living for ignoring them and then we’ll need funerals!”

Chris sighed as he replied to Pinkie, “Alright, we’ll be there…A funeral wreath? Uh-huh. Okay…Yes, we’ll dress up. See you soon…” Chris terminated the call.

Elise was grinning from ear to ear. “He put Pinkie on the phone, didn’t he?”

Chris looked up towards the ceiling with a frustrated grimace, hands balled into fists at the end of extended forearms. “You just can’t say ‘no’ to her!” Chris’s face went serious for a second, “Her logic is impeccable!”

“Mouse funeral?” Elise said, trying to stifle more laughter.

Chris hung his head. “…Yeah.”

Elise put a hand on her husband’s arm. “I’ll get your suit…hehe…”

-ooooooo-

Knock, knock

Dan opened the doo., “Chris! Elise! Come in, I only wish we could meet under better circumstances.” Dan motioned for his guests to come in. He was wearing most of his Mr. Moneybags outfit, opting to leave out the mustachio and top hat for this somber occasion.

“We saw each other, yesterday, Dan,” Elise said flatly.

Chris came in, dragging a large funeral wreath in with him.

Elise followed, holding a bouquet of white lilies. She had opted to dress in her black dress and even went so far as to wear a black veil.

The small group stood in front of the still erect ‘Fort Dan Pie.’

“Hey Dan,” Chris began, “I hope…”

Chris and Elise stopped and stared at Pinkie. She was holding a shoebox that she had obviously decorated herself given all the colorful stickers, bedazzle jewels, and glitter pen messages of 'We’ll miss you!' with the ‘i’s dotted with hearts.

What was strange was that she was wearing jeans and one of Dan’s black 'JERK' t-shirts.

“I don’t own anything black…” Pinkie explained.

Elise tried to stifle a laugh and turned to Dan. She handed him a CD case. “Here, I thought this would be appropriate music for the deceased.”

Dan looked down at the 'deadmau5' album, then looked up, lowering his eyelids slightly, “You bought this on the way here, didn’t you?”

Elise lips pulled up into a smile desperately trying to hold back laughter. “Totally.”

“Funeral music is no joke, Elise. You should respect the dead.”

“Dan,” Chris began, “you played ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead’ at your grandma’s funeral.”

“Which old witch?” Pinkie asked.

“The wicked witch!” Dan answered.

Elise couldn’t take it anymore, she burst into fits of laughter, doubling up on herself.

Pinkie frowned. “Elise! This is serious.”

Elise looked up, smile still plastered on her face, and put a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “I’m sorry…they’re…hehe…laughs of…pffffft…sorrow…bwahahahahahaha!”

“Oh,” Pinkie responded. She attempted laughter but it came out as a flat “Ha ha ha ha ha ha…” She paused before saying “...Yeah, that just feels icky to me.”

Dan put a hand on his roommate’s shoulder. “Would you like us to say some words for the departed.” He asked with a sympathetic look on his face.

Pinkie smiled warmly at him, “That would be very nice, Dan.” Tears began to form behind her eyes. “Thank you,” she squeaked out.

Dan nodded. “Elise? You’re up.”

Elise immediately ceased her laughing. “Me?! Why me?!”

Dan grinned a malevolent smile. “You’re clearly the most griefstricken of us.”

Pinkie nodded in agreement. “That was the most 'sorrow laughter' I’ve ever heard!" Pinkie thought for a moment. "...Also the only 'sorrow laughter' I’ve ever heard.”

Elise nervously looked from side to side. “Uh…Mousy was a good mouse…always running…great at avoiding carving knifes… he lived a nice, full life of eating cheese before it was cut short by…cut short by…”

“Mr. Mumbles eviscerated him and left him at our doorstep,” informed Dan.

“Yeah…that.” Elise said, pointing an index finger into open air.

“How did you know his name was ‘Mousy’?!” Pinkie asked, wide eyed.

“Just a hunch!” Elise said, nervously grinning.

“Alright, Chris. You’re up.” Dan said.

Chris put a fist up to his mouth and cleared his throat, “Friends and loved ones of the deceased, we are gathered here today not only to say goodbye to our dear, dear friend, but to come together and honor the memory of one who enriched our lives with their very prese…”

“LAAAAAAAAAAAME!” Dan interrupted.

“Dan! I worked very hard on that, and…”

Dan turned to Pinkie. “Would you like to say some words?”

“Hey!” Chris protested.

Pinkie nodded. “Mousy? I know you can hear me as your wrathful spirit is no doubt floating about, plotting it’s terrible vengeance on Dan’s cat. But we want to remember you as the quiet little mouse that you were. And although we know you desperately would like to remain on the mortal coil, Dan has informed me that he totally knows the number of The Real Ghostbusters. And I’ve watched the documentaries…" Pinkie paused before adding, "They’ve taken out a Sumerian god!" in an impressed sounding tone. "So please accept this offering of flowers and be at peace.”

Elise collapsed to the floor as hysterical laughter escaped her mouth.

Pinkie sighed. “It’s OK Elise, we’ll make it through this together,” she said resolutely.

Pinkie looked at her roommate. “Dan?”

To Chris’s surprise, Dan produced a worn Bible and opened it up to a bookmarked page.

Elise stood up and quietly observed.

 “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” Dan began, in a dramatic tone.

“He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.” Dan motioned with a flat, even palm.

“He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.” Dan clutched a hand to his heart and looked up to the ceiling.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Dan shook a fist within inches of his determined looking face.

“Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:”—Dan’s fist shaking intensified—“thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.” Dan opened his fist as his head bowed slightly

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.” Dan closed his Bible and added a small “Amen” which Chris and Elise echoed.

Pinkie was crying. “That was…sooo beautiful!” she said.

The four went silent.

“So ummm…What do we do with the box?” Chris asked.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged glances.

Pinkie’s face flushed with embarrassment. “We uh…didn’t think about that…” she admitted.

There was the sound of scratching at the door.

“Meow.”

Dan opened the door to reveal Mr. Mumbles, a small, brown, dead, mangled bird sitting next to her.

Dan, Chris, and Elise’s faces went pale and they slowly turned to look at Pinkie.

Box still in hand, Pinkie slumped her shoulders and looked down.

Mr. Mumbles trotted over to her.

“Meow?” She turned on her back exposing her belly.

Pinkie slowly passed the colorful shoebox to Dan.

“I give up.” Pinkie announced quietly, bending down to scratch Mr. Mumbles’s belly.

“Whoa, really?” Dan asked. “Just like that?”

Pinkie nodded. “I’m afraid even I don’t have the energy to hold a funeral for every animal Mr. Mumbles sends to the afterlife.”  Pinkie continued scratching Mr. Mumbles, “She’s just sooo cute! Oh whosa cutie kitty murder machine? Whosa cutie kitty murder machine? Whosacutiekittymurdermachine? Oh yes you are, yes you are,”—Pinkie shifted from cute baby noises to full on screaming.—“YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!”

“What about…” Chris motioned with his head to the dead bird.

Pinkie sighed, “Dan could you throw the bird in with the mouse?”

“Uhh…sure.” Dan eyed the mangled bird pensively.

Elise rolled her eyes, grabbed the bird by a wing. She swiftly opened the box, placed the corpse inside, and closed the box after it.

Dan smiled. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust!” he said, opening the door to the apartment and walking outside.

“Where you taking it?” Pinkie asked.

“Dumpster!” Dan called back.

Elise and Chris turned to Pinkie.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Elise asked.

Pinkie glanced up, a side of her lip pulling up as well. “Eh,” was all she had to offer. Pinkie looked back at her two friends with a smile. “Now who wants cake?”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “You have cake?! Why didn’t you say so in the first place?!”

Pinkie lightly scratched at her face with her index finger. “Sorry. Must have slipped my mind.”

Pinkie opened the fridge to reveal the whole thing was filled with baked goods.

Chris dropped to his knees and slowly extended his palms out. Everything looked delicious. Even by non-Chris standards.

“Pinkie, where did all this come from?”

Pinkie rubbed the back of her head. “I’ve kinda been on a baking frenzy ever since I started grocery shopping…”

Pinkie grabbed a multi-layered chocolate cake and handed it to Chris who eyed it with glee.

“Dessert time?” Dan asked, walking towards the sink and washing his hands.

Pinkie strategically searched the fridge, pulling out a colorful cupcake and handing it to Dan. “Yepper!” she replied.

Dan gleefully took it and dug in as Elise washed her hands.

“You think the bird will seek vengeance on us?” Pinkie asked, grabbing plates from a cupboard.

Dan shrugged, “doon worrry ‘bout it.” He said through a mouthful of cupcake.

-ooooooo-

The night was still. Like a predator in the darkness of a deep forest, quietly waiting for the perfect moment to strike unsuspecting prey.

Slowly, the lid to the dumpster began to rise. Beady red eyes flashed in the darkness. A tattered wing slinked out from the shadows, and raised the lid more.

Slowly, the eyes moved forward into the moonlight, a small, yellow beak broke through shadow, followed by the rest of the tattered face of the once living bird. Half of its face was simply black blood caked onto a skull.

“Cheep, Cheep!” It cried to the night.

It would not dwell in that box of dead, squashed mouse. Nor would this stinking land of garbage be its tomb.

It would have revenge.

It would feast on…

“Cheeeeeeeeeeeeep!” The undead bird uttered a startled cry as a liquid sprayed out and made contact, the substance causing its very body to smoke and fall away. It stumbled back into its refuse sarcophagus and fell dead...er as the liquid ate away at its body.

 Dan moved the squirt gun towards his lips and blew on the barrel.

“Holy water, huh?” Pinkie asked.

Dan twirled the gun in his and holstered it in his jeans waistband in a swift movement. “Yep.”

“Neato!” Pinkie said. “Teach me?” she asked with a hopeful smile.

 “Do you think you can bless salt in the name of the Father Almighty, recite a psalms’s worth of scripture, exorcise creatures of water by invoking a prayer of Solomon, and buy bottled water despite the fact that tap water is perfectly safe to drink and is practically free?” Dan asked.

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “I have no idea!”  Pinkie said cheerfully.

“Well, let’s find out," Dan said as the roommates turned and started walking back towards their apartment.

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Chapter 17 Dan Vs. Friendship (is Magic)

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily LifeChapter 17 Dan Vs. Friendship (is Magic) -ooooooo-

Spoiler Alert: I start referencing events from the IDW comics at some point this chapter (the first 8 issues, that is).

Not sure if this is a big deal to anyone, but skip over the section marked IDW if you want to read the comics and be surprised, still.

-ooooooo-

Pinkie sat cross-legged on her side of Fort Dan Pie, decked out in a white button-up shirt, black vest, cutoff jean shorts, rainbow colored leg warmers, and a random assortment of bracelets.

She still had been unable to turn on her computer or phone. The two devices were set in front of her. In her hands, she held her compact mirror.

Twilight had gathered her other friends, hoping she could finally coax a response from the device's, and also hoping the devices would reveal clues as to what happened on that fateful day when Pinkie Pie got sent to another world.

 “Twilight, I’m not really sure this is a good idea…” Applejack said.

“Trust me!” Twilight insisted. “After examining the devices in great detail…”

“Too great if you ask me…” Spike commented.

Twilight quickly fixed the baby dragon with a stare, then continued, “…I realized what was missing was energy.”

“Yeah, but…shootin’ it at the mechanical-doohickeys?” Applejack countered with a cocked eyebrow. “None of that sounds right…or safe, even.”

“I trust you, Twilight,” Pinkie responded with a smile.

“Me too!” Rainbow Dash chimed in enthusiastically. “If anyone can figure this out, it’s Princess Egghead.” She added with a grin.

Rarity also voiced her concerns. “Twilight, are you really sure this won’t hurt the devices?”

Fluttershy said nothing and stood a bit back from the group, not comfortable with the idea of firing energy across dimensions.

“Well, I determined both devices have many similarities. And a big similarity between them is how they’re powered. Both contain a plastic rectangular piece that takes up a sizable fraction of the devices total size and mass.”

Pinkie’s smile dropped and her eyes went wide, staring off into space.

She’s doing it again!

“By examining these rectangular pieces, I determined that, inside the plastic, they’re both an advanced type of battery that stores power which supplies all the device's myriad functions! Both audio, visual, and even allowing the devices to receive inputs via different stimuli!”

Why?!

“Another commonality between the pieces, is both of them currently have no energy. Clearly these devices can’t function without energy! So by giving them a jolt directed towards the batteries..”

Make it stop!

“…I think that should store enough energy that…energy that…”

Twilight had stopped talking.

Finally!

“Uh, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash said with a of a forehoof, trying to get her friend’s attention.

Pinkie looked back at the mirror and noticed her friends were no longer looking at her, but a space a few feet above her. She followed their eyes until she locked her own against Dan’s.

Pinkie quickly closed the mirror and attempted to hide it behind her back. “Hiiii, Dan…” Pinkie said nervously. “Didn’t hear you come in…or lift the ceiling off the fort…”

Dan’s eyes narrowed and he motioned to the item behind her back. “Is that how you talk to your pony friends back home?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” Pinkie uttered nervously as she lokked from side to side.

Think of something convincing to say…

“… Yeah...,” Pinkie admitted.

Dangit!

Dan dramatically extended his hand. “GIVE THEM TO ME!” he demanded. “So that I may pass judgment on them!”

Pinkie sighed heavily and handed over the closed compact mirror.

Well, it was bound to happen eventually... still. It would have been nice for it to be…any situation but this.

Poor Fluttershy…

Dan opened the mirror and looked over his six victims.

His victims warily eyed him back, not sure what to expect.

Dan wasted no time. “Too purple…”

Twilight furrowed her brow.

“Too kindergarten art project…”

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash protested.

“Too prissy…”

Rarity made a quiet “Humph!” and lifted her muzzle into the air in disapproval.

“A cowboy pony? Seriously?”

“Now listen here, pardner--!” Applejack began.

Dan interrupted her, “I don’t even know what the heck that’s supposed to be!” Dan said pointing at Spike.

“Aw, man...” Spike said as he hung his head.

Dan spotted the quivering mass of yellow and pink: Fluttershy desperately trying to make herself as small as possible.

“Too…”

Fluttershy looked up, with big, scared eyes, fearing the worse.

“Too…” Dan locked eyes with her and his mouth hung open as his pupils went wide. “…perfect,” he finished.

Fluttershy’s look of terror slowly shifted to a soft smile.

Everypony else’s offended look shifted towards surprise, Pinkie’s as well.

“Well…Dan,” Twilight began, “this has been…interesting…but if you’ll excuse us we have science to do and…”

Dan looked at Pinkie. “Having trouble?” He asked as he motioned out towards the phone and computer.

“Twilight thinks if she fires energy at them, we can finally turn them on,” Pinkie explained.

Dan looked back at the purple alicorn in surprise. “You’re going to shoot lightning at them?!”

“Well…just a little…” Twilight admitted sheepishly.

“You’re not very bright, are you Twilight?”  Dan said flatly.

Everypony/one else put on shocked expressions. Twilight had been called many things in her life, but having her intelligence called into question had never happened to her before.

Dan pointed at Pinkie’s pink laptop bag and motioned with his head for his roommate to fetch it for him.

Pinkie wordlessly obeyed and held the bag up for him.

Dan held the mirror in one hand, and rummaged through the bag with the other; Pinkie continuing to hold the bag up for him. He pulled out a bunch of noise makers, balloons, and streamers. “More party supplies?”

Pinkie managed a weak smile. “Those are my emergency party supplies.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “I thought those were in your pockets?”

“Those are my backup emergency party supplies,” Pinkie corrected.

Dan sighed and dug deeper, fishing out a few black cords attached to small rectangular objects with metal prongs sticking out.

He held the cords up for the ponies (and dragon) on the other side of the mirror to see. “Did you think about plugging them in?”

“Oops…” Pinkie muttered. “…I forgot about those…”

Twilight flushed with embarrassment and put on a nervous grin. Of *course** Dan would know how to use the devices! They’re from his world!*

“Besides,” Dan continued, “if you needed to give them power, why wouldn’t you just take the batteries out first and just shoot those?” Dan asked.

Twilight smacked a hoof against her face as Rainbow Dash snickered to herself.

Dan motioned for Pinkie to hand him the two devices. Pinkie set the bag down and obediently complied, taking the mirror as Dan handed it to her.

Dan replaced the roof of the fort and walked off.

“Sorry Twilight! I completely forgot those were in there,” Pinkie said apologetically.

“It’s okay Pinkie. It looks like it worked out anyways…Besides,” Twilight said, still with an embarrassed smile, “this is probably safer.”

Dan crawled into the fort, holding the computer, a black cord attached to it. “Your phone is charging,” he explained.

He handed the computer to Pinkie who handed him back the mirror.

Eagerly, Pinkie opened the laptop and pushed the power button.

“Hey Dan…” Twilight called out.

Dan looked down at the mirror.

“Thank you,” Twilight said earnestly.

Dan merely shrugged.

Pinkie made an excited “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” before her face shifted to a more neutral look. “Oh a…password.”

“A password?” Twilight asked. “Let us see.”

Dan held a finger up and waved it back and forth. “Not now, purple horse. The people are working,” he said with a mischievous grin.

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. How does Pinkie put up with this guy?

Spike seemed to be on the same wavelength. “Can you believe this guy?”  he asked no one in particular.

Pinkie looked at her screen, a pink cloud with brown rain falling down from it. Next to the picture read “ChAoS”.

“Hmmm…” Pinkie thought for a minute and began typing.

“Ulg,” Dan uttered, dragging his hand over half his face. “You type like you’ve only had fingers for a few weeks.” Dan said irritably.

“I’ve only had fingers for a few weeks!” Pinkie countered with narrowed eyes.

“Oh…right. Here…” Dan set down the mirror on the mattress.

“Hey!” Twilight said, the view on the mirror shifting from Dan to a random assortment of pillows.

Dan sat down next to Pinkie, “Whisper to me what you were failing to type.”

Pinkie whispered into Dan’s ear and he slowly typed 'ChOcOlAtE rAiN'. He hit enter and the computer’s screen shifted to a picture of a couple of daisies against a blue background.

Dan picked up the mirror and faced it towards the screen. “See, ‘Too purple’? The people got it covered.”

Twilight ignored the comment, simply happy for the progress. “Great, now let’s try to find some clues!”

Pinkie stroked her chin, thinking about the picture and password. “Clues, eh…well…”

Dan placed a hand on his roommate's face and pushed her out of the way. “Clues, shmues. Let’s fire up the internet on this baby.” Dan said grinning, putting down the mirror and rubbing his palms together.

“Oh! Good thinking Dan. I could never quite figure that out when I went to a world with humans,” Twilight said excitedly.

“Uh…inter-nest?” Applejack asked.

“No, internet. Humans have collected all their knowledge onto the internet and they use computers to access it. Maybe there’s some information we can find there to help Pinkie.” Twilight said in a very enthusiastic tone.

“Oh, there’s information, all right.” Dan said, moving his finger on the touchpad and clicking a few things. “Hmmmm…”

Pinkie picked herself up and looked at the screen. “Another password?”

Dan sighed, “Pinkie, you’re still going to end up a statistic here if I have to explain every little thing to you!”

Pinkie’s expression changed to a pout.

“Our landlord has the Wi-Fi password, wait here, I’ll…”

Pinkie sat up resolutely, accidentally nudging Dan’s makeshift coffee table that served as part of the fort wall on the way up. The two paused as the pillow walls around them vibrated slightly before settling.

Pinkie looked at Dan, determination having set root on her face. “No, Dan. I’ll get it!” Pinkie said, motioning to herself with her thumb. “You’re right! If I can’t figure any of this out on my own, I’ll never get anywhere!” Pinkie’s pupils dilated, then quickly retracted into pin-prick sized dots. “And then I’ll end up in Tijuana, naked in a bathtub of ice with a missing kidney!”

“Hey!” Twilight called out. “Just what have you been teaching her about your world, anyhow?!” she demanded.

Dan place a hand on his roommate's shoulder. “Very good, my young Padawan, you’re coming along nicely.”

“Aren’t I?” Pinkie said flashing a toothy smile. She quickly crawled out from under the fort.

Dan grinned evilly and picked up the mirror, once again looking over his victims.

The ponies looked back, expressions ranging from concerned, irritated, and one surprisingly hopeful.

“Oh dear…” Twilight uttered.

-ooo-

“…It’s very interesting to examine another culture that developed in the absence of widespread magic,” Twilight said.

“Uh-huh.” Dan replied in a bored tone.

“Not to mention a third of the population here flies. It’s easy to see why humans would construct many of the devices they have! You’ve all have had so much to overcome!”

“Uh-huh.”

“Humans can’t control the weather, can they? It’s simply remarkable that you’ve all become the dominant species on your planet. We ponies have many natural advantages! So much, in fact, that many of the species in Equestria depend on us for their very survival!

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, but your technology is simply amazing! Even without magic, your species has constructed such marvels! Who would have thought that combining aluminum, silicon, iron, nickel, gold…”

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!” Dan yelled at the mirror.

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked, her train of thought thoroughly derailed.

 “Hey, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash called from the side. “Tag up!”

“Tag up?” Twilight responded in a confused tone.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said with a determined grin, holding a hoof out. “Let me handle this jerk! I’ve got a bone to pick with him!”

Dan chuckled. “Let her in the ring, Sparkler. I can use a good laugh,” he said as he clenched a fist to crack his knuckles.

Twilight skeptically looked back and forth between Dan and Rainbow Dash, then tapped the blue pegasus’s hoof. “I hope you know what you’re doing…”

Rainbow Dash positioned herself in front of the mirror. “Alright, Dan! Let’s make one thing perfectly clear! If you hurt Pinkie in anyway, we’ll turn your world into a world of hurt!”

Dan stifled a yawn, “Nice one, though I think you’re someone--”

“Pony!” Rainbow Dash corrected.

 “--someone who would benefit from a thesaurus. Besides, it’s not like you can do anything through that mirror,” Dan added smugly.

 “Twilight can fire lightning through it,” Dash responded in a smugger tone.

Dan pondered this new thought. “Touché. Not that it matters, of course.” Dan closed his eyes and motioned a hand towards himself, “I’ve been a perfect gentleman to the lady.”

“Like the time you burned her photo album in front of her?” Dash countered.

Dan winced. He wasn’t aware Pinkie had told her friends that much, but then again, they were her best friends…

“I made her a new one!” he insisted as he flung out his free hand.

Rainbow Dash smiled, Dan having walked right into her trap. “Yeah, I saw it. Did you practice at being that girly, or did it come naturally?”

Dan smirked. “Tough talk for a walking nursery school art project.”

Rainbow Dash frowned and narrowed her eyes somewhat. “Hey! I’m the awesomest looking pony in Equestria, ask anypony!”

“Any pony between the ages of 3 and 11, you mean?” Dan said as his devilish smile widened.

Rainbow Dash considered the average age of the members of her fan-club for a second. “Well I…That is…”

“Awww, come on, Skittles! You were doing so well!”  Dan said, his smile continuing to widen.

Rainbow Dash’s face contorted to one of anger and confusion. Alright, I may not know what 'Skittles' are, but I know when somepony is being a jerk to me! “Why, I oughta…”

“Whatcha two talking about?” Pinkie asked as she crawled back into the fort.

“I was just telling your friend that she’s a real work of art,” Dan answered, smile still plastered on his face.

A frustrated sounding “GHA!” escaped from Rainbow Dash.

“Awww,” Pinkie began as she looked at the mirror, “I told you he could be sweet!”

“Sweet is not the word I’d use!”

“Oooo! How about lovable? Or adorable?!  Charming? Delightful...?”

“See ‘Art Project’? Thesaurus.” Dan said, motioning towards Pinkie with his free hand.

“Aww, he even has a cute nickname for you and everything!” Pinkie observed.

Rainbow Dash held her hooves up in an expression of wanting to strangle someone as she made angry gurgling sounds.

“Tag up, partner.” Applejack called from the side, holding an orange hoof out.

Rainbow Dash sighed, hung her head, and gave Applejack’s hoof a tap.

**

Applejack stared intently into the abyss. The abyss, in this case, being Dan, who was indeed staring back.

…

…

The two continued their epic stare down.

…

…

Staring intensifies.

…

…

Staring intensifies.

…

…

STARING INTENSIFIES

…

…

Blink

“Ha!” Dan said triumphantly. “Five times in a row!”

Applejack scrunched her face to the side as she frowned. “Best six out of eleven.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware you were a sadomasochist,” Dan responded.

Applejack narrowed her eyes. "An' just what in tarnation makes you think I enjoy pain?"

Dan chuckled as his eyes widened in surprise slightly. "Heh, cowboy horse knows her vocab. Still, you must be enjoying this savage beating I’m giving you, you keep on coming back for more!”

Applejack made a small “Grrrrrr”, sighed, and looked to her side. “Tag up.”

“Me! Why me?” Rarity asked as  Applejack walked out of site of the mirror.

“’Cause it’s your turn.” Applejack said simply, using her head to push the white unicorn into view of the mirror.

“But, well, just look at him! We have nothing in common!”

“Well, they wear clothes over there.” Applejack said. “Just talk about fashion or somethin’.”

Rarity made a disgusted sound as she remembered Dan’s ensemble was little more than jeans and a t-shirt.

“Yeah, prissy. Let’s talk about how pointless it is to make clothes for horses,” Dan said.

“Oh.”

“It…”

“is…”

“ON!”

Pinkie looked up from the computer. “Come on guys, I’m sure you two will get along if you just give each other a chance.” She put on her best puppy-dog face and big smile, “Pleeeeeease?”

Dan and Rarity both sighed out an, “Alright…”

*But then…*

“I can’t believe that black rag you wear passes as fashion,” Rarity said

“At least it makes sense that we wear clothes! You all have hair covered bodies, and can control the weather! How can” – Dan air quoted with his free hand — “‘making clothes’ even be a real job over there?!” demanded Dan.

Rarity turned her nose up. “Well someponies simply want to look nice. Why, a well-made suit, a dress, or a fashionable saddle can…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa…whoa! You hay brained horses make saddles?! Why?!”

“Well, they’re fashionable, of course!”

“No!” Dan declared, holding up a resolute index finger. “I’m putting my foot down on this one! You put a saddle on something you’re going to ride!.. You all don’t…ride each other, do you?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What? No! Don’t be absurd!”

“I ride them, sometimes…” Spike said from the side.

Rarity shushed him. “Shhhh... Spike, you’re not helping.”

“Oops, sorry.” Spike replied.

*And then…*

“What did you say about my hair?!” Rarity demanded, her voice firing off into the highest of octaves.

Dan leveled a finger at Rarity. “So you’re telling me, you didn’t get it stuck in an egg beater?”

“I most certainly did not! Hair this magnificent takes time!”

“…Maybe it would go faster if you tried the egg beater…” Suggested Dan, shrugging slightly and glancing to the side.

Rarity glared at the mirror with a puffy red face. “At least my hair doesn’t look like it was sabotaged by an irate barber!”

Dan frowned. “Hey! My hair was sabotaged by an irate barber!”

“Oh…well…I guess it looks…tolerable, if you consider that,” Rarity replied.

“Dan,” Pinkie interrupted, “You told me that happened ages ago.”

Rarity chuckled to herself.

“Pinkie! You’re not helping!” Dan said through clenched teeth.

“Oops, sorry.” Pinkie replied, “…Wait…WHY am I helping you insult my friends?” Pinkie asked was she raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not insulting her!” Dan insisted. “I’m offering constructive criticism on her horrible life choices and terrible hair,” Dan said informatively.

“Hmmmm…quite,” Rarity responded. “Just like if I explained to Dan that his teeth are a simply a ghastly shade of yellow,” Rarity said.

“Hey!” Dan said angrily.

“You could stand to brush more often,” Pinkie offered. “…Or at all…”

Dan furrowed his brow angrily. “Well…Prissy’s hair looks like she thinks springs are in fashion.” Dan said, angrily motioning to the white unicorn in the mirror.

“Hmph!” Rarity said, sticking her muzzle up in disapproval for about the dozenth time that day.

“Rarity, your hair and tail does sort of look like purple springs,” Pinkie said.

“Just whose side are you on, anyway?” Rarity demanded, her voice going shrill again.

Pinkie widened her eyes in a 'Who me?' expression as she pointed to herself. “Side! I’m not on anyone’s side.”

“Ha!” Dan cried triumphantly. “You said ‘anyone!’, you could have said, ‘anypony’!”

“Yes, but she said ‘not on anyone’s side’,” Rarity disputed.

Pinkie buried her head in both palms.

Trying to figure out this computer is frustrating enough, but these two are giving me a headache!

“Tag up, please!”

Rarity followed the voice to a yellow pegasus holding out a forehoof. Rarity eyed Fluttershy with concern. “Are you sure? You don’t have to speak to this ruffian.”

“Purple springed Prude!” Dan called out.

“Why you uncouth…uncivilized…beast of a…”

Fluttershy waved her hoof about, trying to regain Rarity’s attention.

Rarity breathed a calming sigh, “Oh, very well.” She tapped Fluttershy’s hoof. “Don’t let him get to you, Fluttershy!” Rarity whispered resolutely, “We’re here to back you up if you need it.”

“Aaah, he just needs to be shown a little kindness, is all.” Fluttershy insisted.

“More like a muzzle…” Rarity muttered, walking away.

“Hey Shutterfly.” Dan said, his voice immediately mellowing out to a kinder tone.

Fluttershy nodded slightly, “Fluttershy.” She corrected.

“Oh. Sorry.” Dan said.

Pinkie looked back up.

Did…

Did Dan just apologize?!

And MEAN it?!

“What’s wrong, Dan?” Fluttershy began. “Having trouble making friends?”

Dan pouted and looked to the side. “I don’t need any friends.”

“Now, Dan,” Fluttershy continued, “I’m sure if you gave everypony a chance, you’ll have lots of new friends in no time.”

“No!” Dan insisted, “I don’t want to be their friends, they’re all too bright looking, and weird!”

“Dan,” Fluttershy said with a warm smile, “now you know you look pretty strange to them, as well…”

Dan looked down at himself and waved his free hand in front of his eyes. “Yeah, I guess…” he admitted quietly

“And Pinkie dresses in bright clothing, and you’re still her friend, right?” Fluttershy said hopefully.

Pinkie glanced up.

Dan met her sky-blue eyes with his green-emerald ones. “…Yeah, she’s alright…” Dan offered weakly.

Pinkie beamed.

“Ohmygosh!” Rainbow Dash said to her friends. “Are they actually getting along?!” she exclaimed in disbelief.

“It’s gotta be a trap, y’all see!” Applejack said, her face displaying her suspicion.

“I don’t know, girls,” Twilight said. “Maybe Fluttershy has the right approach…she did singlehandedly reform a chaos god…mostly…”

“Hmph,” Rarity interjected. “I give it five minutes before that barbarian is screaming at her.”

*But then…*

“…I just think you need to open your heart more. Let more ponies…I mean, people inside,” Fluttershy said.

“Right, so more people know my weaknesses!” Dan said in sullen tone.

“Well, yes. Trusting people means letting them closer to you, but I think if you give more people a chance, you’ll find the rewards outweigh the risks,” Fluttershy said kindly.

Dan looked back at Fluttershy with concern. “Are you ever afraid you trust some people…I mean, ponies too much?”

“…um…er…” Fluttershy nervously looked from side to side. “…well…sometimes,” Fluttershy admitted softly.

“Do…do you want to talk about it?” Dan asked.

*And then…*

“I’m telling you, that’s exactly how an abusive relationship works,” Dan countered.

“Oh no!” Fluttershy insisted. “He’s just a little rough around the edges. I know if I keep showing him kindness, he’ll…”

“I don’t want to hear it!” Dan asserted with wide eyes. “He’s clearly taking advantage of your giving nature at this point! You need to put your foot down around this guy!” He said as he pointed an assertive finger at Fluttershy.

“Oh no! I can’t do that!” Fluttershy said, taken aback. “If he feels threatened, he hides and stops eating. He requires a delicate…”

“Delicate!? Listen to yourself, these are all textbook strategies an abuser does to keep someone in a toxic relationship,” Dan explained. “If you don’t stand up for yourself, you’re going to be trapped in an abusive and unfulfilling relationship with this guy forever!”

“Well erm…ummm…yeah…you’re probably right…” Fluttershy said meekly. Something to the side quickly caught her eye. “What…but we…sigh…oh, alright…Bye Dan. I really enjoyed talking to you,” Fluttershy said with a weak smile.

“Yeah, me too.” Dan said as he mirrored the smile.

Fluttershy walked off and was quickly replaced with a small, white bunny who glared at Dan. Angel lifted a paw and flicked it under his chin a few times in Dan’s direction.

Dan shared a digit with the little bunny. “Right here, buddy,” he responded.

“ANGEL! I SAW THAT!”

Angel looked to the side, and began frantically pointing at Dan.

“I don’t care what he did!” Fluttershy angrily trotted back into view, and grabbed Angel’s tail in her mouth. She dragged him off to the side as Angel desperately tried to snatch at the stone floor. “I know a nauwghty little buwnny whose spending the nex few houwrs in his twawveling case.” Fluttershy responded through teeth clenched around fur.

Angel began frantically squeaking, and even cried a bit.

“Fwine, don’t eat. We’ll jusf see how long that lasts…” Fluttershy dragged the bunny out of sight.

The other four ponies walked into view.

Dan glared at them. “What?” he asked gruffly.

To Dan’s surprise, the four began clapping their hooves together.

Pinkie, likewise, clapped her hands with a smile.

“Uhh…thanks,” Dan said, rubbing the back of his head.

Twilight smiled and looked to the side. “Spike? You’re up.”

“Do I have to?” Spike whined.

“Spike, give him a chance,” Twilight insisted.

Spike walked over with a reluctant sounding “Oh, all right…”

The other four mares walked off again.

Dan looked over Spike quizzically. “So, are you some sort of lizard-person second class citizen?” he asked.

“I’ll have you know that I’m a fire-breathing dragon!” Spike stated.

Dan perked up. “Fire breathing? Show me.”

Spike narrowed his eyes, pointed his face upwards, and blew a sizeable stream of green flames into the air.

Dan paused. “…THAT IS AWESOME!”

Spike looked back at Dan with a grin.

“Sorry…Spike, was it? I think we got off on the wrong foot…hoof.”

“I have feet!” Spike declared.

“See! We’re not so different. We both have feet…we both like fire.”

Spike chuckle., “So…Dan! I hear you’re taking care of our girl Pinkie over there.”

“Yeah, she’d be pretty lost without me.” Dan said as he absentmindedly examined his free hand.

Pinkie shot Dan an irritated glance. Okay, that’s true! But he doesn’t have to be so…brutally honest about it!

“Well, on behalf of Equestria, I just want to say just how much we appreciate it.”

Dan waved a dismissive hand. “Yeah, yeah…enough about stupid, colorful horse world. Tell me about Spike. It’s gotta be great being able to set things on fire whenever you want.”

“Heh, yeah it is pretty great.” Spike’s expression went serious, “But sometimes I sent things on fire I don’t mean to…”

“So do I!” Dan said as he excitedly motioned to himself. “We’re like…accidental arson bros.”

“Accidental arson bros? I like it!” Spike made a fist and put it up to the mirror. “Put it there, bro!”

Dan smiled knowingly and touched his side with his index finger.

“Alright, tag up!” Twilight called out.

Spike turned to her with a. “Huh? But you said ‘give him a chance’, Twilight.”

“Well now I’m saying ‘tag up’!”

Spike sighed and lowered his head. “Alright…” He looked back up at Dan. “Catch you later, accidental arson bro!” he said as he waved at the mirror.

Dan waved as Twilight walked back into view.

Twilight motioned to her eyes with a hoof, and sternly pointed the same hoof back at Dan.

“What! I was being friendly!” Dan insisted.

“Finding companionship in accidental fiery property damage is not what I had in mind!” Twilight sighed, “Who’s next?”

“Uh…you are,” Applejack informed.

“Me!” Twilight put on a distressed look. “But I already went!”

Applejack shrugged. “Well we’re fresh outta ponies.”

“I’m not a pony!” Spike reminded helpfully.

“Spike! I said, ‘No!’” Twilight reminded.

 “Pinkie!” Twilight called out. “Please tell me you’re done with the computer!”

Pinkie looked up, lower lip extended. She shook her head from side to side sadly.

Dan reached over towards the laptop. “Maybe I can hel…”

Pinkie snatched the computer away and bit Dan’s hand.

“Yeouch! Why you little troglodyte! I…”

“We would like a turn…” A regal voice said through the mirror.

Dan turned to see two tall alicorns approach the mirror, Rainbow Dash trailing just a bit behind.

Twilight’s expression changed to equal amounts surprise and concern. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, I’m not sure if this…”

Princess Celestia smiled down at Twilight. “It’s okay, Twilight.  Rainbow Dash informed me Dan was rather…lively,” Celestia offered diplomatically.

“Lively!” Twilight exclaimed. “Maybe in the same sense as a giant explosion!”

“Awwww,” Dan said. “You should have started with that, Sparkler! That was a nice compliment.”

Twilight’s eye’s narrowed as she looked back at the mirror. “It wasn’t intended as one.”

“Well, sometimes those are the best compliments of all,” Dan said informatively, raising his index finger.

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh and lowered her face into a hoof.

Celestia put a reassuring hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.

Twilight looked up at the taller alicorn. “Alright, just be careful…”

Celestia smiled warmly. “Not to worry, Twilight.”

Dan smiled wickedly.

“So, Dan, was it? I’m Princess Celestia. Thank you for taking care of one of my dear, dear subjects,” Celestia said earnestly.

“Princess, eh? So I take it there’s a Queen.”

“Oh no,” Celestia said with a smile. “Princess is the highest title in Equestria. ‘Queen’ is a title evil rulers tend to use around here.”

“…What is this, a Disney film?” Dan asked.

Celestia continued to smile. “I’m afraid I don’t understand that reference.”

Dan waved his hand dismissively. “Forget it.” He put back on a wicked, toothy grin. “So, I take it you’re in charge by divine virtue of being the tallest horse?”

Celestia chuckled. “Oh my, no. Size is not how we determine social stature in our world. But I’m guessing from you surroundings it is in yours,” Celestia added mischievously.

Dan uttered a surprised “Ghk.” Wasn't expecting prim and proper tallest horse to put up a fight...

“Alright, ‘tallest horse’, you got some teeth, I’ll give you that.”

“Why, thank you Dan! I’ve worked hard to keep them strong for well over 1,000 years.”

“What are you, stupid? That’s not…”

“You should really work on yours, if you don’t mind me saying. You’ll miss them when they’re gone,” Celestia said with a concerned tone.

Dan paused and tried to figure out if his dental hygiene was called into question, again, or if he had just been threatened.

Dan furrowed his brow. “Oh, you’re good princess…” he said, voice laced with venom.

“Thank you, Dan!”

Dan made a noise of frustration.

“Meow.”

Dan looked over to Mr. Mumbles, her paw extended towards him.

Dan sighed and swatted the paw, lowering the mirror onto a pillow and scooting over.

Mr. Mumbles trotted over in front of the mirror. “Meow.”

Celestia chuckled. “Oh my, no! It’s quite real, I assure you.”

“Meow.”

“It shimmers with my magical…”

“Meow!”

“Heh. I assure you, it’s not a magic wig!”

“Meow, meow?”

Celestia’s smile dropped. “My subjects would treat me exactly the same if…”

“Meow, meow, merow, mew?”

Celestia frowned. “Well, I can’t help how long we alicorns…”

“Meow, meow?”

Celestia made an offended gasp, “I give my subjects all the freedom they need, and….”

“Merowww! Hissss…”

Celestia’s eyes went wide as she processed what she had just said. “But I…no what I meant to say was…”

A dark blue alicorn walked into view. “Tag up, sister?”

Celestia joined the exasperated sigh club, tapped her sister on the shoulder lightly, and walked off.

“Mew?”

Luna blinked. “I um…I’m afraid I don’t speak feline.”

“She doesn’t have anything pleasant to say, anyhow.” Celestia called out.

“Hisss!”

“I heard that!” Celestia shouted.

-ooo-

“…but I would never do anything to poor Fluttershy!” Dan swore. “I mean… I just met you, so the jury’s still out on if I’d set you on fire or not, but…Tell her I’m sorry for me, will ya’?” Dan said uncharacteristically in an uncharacteristically repentant tone, especially since he was apologizing for his dream self.

Fluttershy poked her head back into view. “It’s okay Dan, I forgive you,” she said sweetly.

Dan smiled back at her as she disappeared from view once more.

“Well, I suppose it was unfair of me to treat you poorly for things a mere, flawed aspect of you did to me…”

“So, dreams, eh? That’s pretty nifty…in a very ‘Neil Gaiman’ sort of way…”

“I do not know who that is,” Luna admitted. “…Human names all sound so exotic.”

“Pony names sound like a bunch of hippies created your world…or market execs trying to sell toys,” Dan commented.

Luna bowed slightly. “Again, I am afraid I do not understand.”

Dan sighed as he continued to speak, “Forget it. So, Princess Goth…Can I call you Princess Goth?”

Luna frowned. “Apologies, once again, I don’t…”

Dan interrupted, “A ‘goth’ is someone who dresses in a lot of black; tends to obsess with the night, darkness, and The Crow. It’s something you might see a middles or high school student get into if the only chance they have at making friends is with other weirdos.”

“Well, I suppose it’s oddly fitting then, as I am the Princess of the Night and am apparently very popular with young children.”

“You don’t say…” Dan said flatly, not sure how he was going to elect an annoyed, offended, angry, or irritated response from the Princess, or even get the conversation somewhere interesting.

“Princess Luna has one of the best Holidays ever, ever, ever!” Pinkie informed, looking up from the laptop screen. “Everyone dresses up in costumes and gets all the free candy they can eat!” she said with a huge grin.

“Wait, you get Halloween as a celebration just to you?!” Dan asked in a surprised tone.

“Erm…Yes…Though we ponies call it ‘Nightmare Night’,” Luna said.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “’Nightmare Night?’ I thought dreams were your thing…”

Luna went uncomfortably silent.

“Yeah…” Pinkie began, “Luna sort of had a dark period where she shrouded the land in eternal night and Princess Celestia had to banish her to the moon for 1,000 years.”

Dan tried to process what his roommate had just said to him, “That’s the sort of stuff that happens in pastel colored pony land?! I thought you all just pranced around hugging each other, went to get facials, and blabbed non-stop about how great friendship is…” Dan said in a disgusted tone.

“Well…we do that, too,” Pinkie admitted. “But occasionally some dark force of evil will attack us and my friends and I will have to deal with it. Or some animal or swarm or giant beast will come by and completely destroy our village, and we’ll have to defeat it or lure it away somehow…”

“That sounds…kinda...cool, actually. Wait…” Dan turned back to the mirror. “Tallest Horse banished you to the moon for 1,000 years?! As in, an entire millennium?!” Dan asked in a shocked tone.

Mental Note: Buy…or steal Mr. Mumbles a kitty space suit.

 “She had no choice!” Luna insisted. “I had become possessed by my jealousy and forced unrelenting darkness upon the land.”

“That still sounds pretty draconian for something she could have talked over with you…” Dan disputed.

“No Dan, she means literally." Pinkie contended. "She literally was possessed by a wicked spirit of nightmares that made her do those nasty things.”

Dan pondered this. “Oh well…that’s different I suppose…how’d she get better, then?”

“My friends and I defeated Nightmare Moon with the power of our friendship.”

“Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!”

“And by that, I mean our magical Elements of Harmony all worked together to blast her with magic and banish her from Princess Luna.”

“Uh…” Dan said, unsure of how to respond.

-IDW

“Oooh! Ooh! She came back, though, and gave us all wicked nightmares! She made it so in my dreams nopony thought I was funny! Can you believe it?”

“Well, actually…”

“And THEN she possessed Rarity. Who turned all black and evil and stuff! So, we all had to go to the moon and fight her and her evil moon minions who turned out to be the indigenous moon creatures who were also possessed by Nightmare’s super-evilness! But then Nightmare Rarity and her minions attacked Ponyville so we had to go back there and defeat them again with the help of the Princesses and all of Ponyville.”

“Prissy turned evil and attacked your village with dark minions?! And her, all your friends, and you have defeated evil monsters on numerous occasions?!” Dan asked having trouble imagining the same group he had traded barbs with before routinely found themselves in harm’s way and saving each other and their friends.

“Yeah…pretty frequently, actually…” Pinkie commented.

“I once fought off cockatrices with a trident!” Spike called out from the side.

“Wow…I didn’t realize you were all so…metal,” Dan responded.

“We’re not metal.” Pinkie responded, “We’re made of meat.”

“Never mind. Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?!” Dan demanded

-ooooooo-<

Pinkie Pie crawled into the fort, the glow from the TV washing Dan’s body in a myriad of different colors as terrified screams emitted from the speakers.

“Zombie’s eh?” Pinkie commented. “Hey, did I ever tell you about the times changelings invaded Ponyville and took…”

“Pinkie, I’m sure your frou-frou pony stories are very interesting from where you come from, but here, we have zombie movies… and occasionally real zombies.”

Pinkie sighed, “Never mind…”

-ooooooo-IDW

 “Hey Dan, Did I ever tell you about how my friends and I had to fight an ancient god of chaos and he…”

“Pinkie, can this wait? I’m in the middle of a delicate procedure, here,” Dan said, not looking up from the house he was constructing out of waffles and toothpicks.

“Ulg…FIIIIIINE!”

-ooooooo-

“HEY DAN, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME A MYSTERIOUS CRYSTAL EMPIRE APPEARED AND ME AND MY FRIENDS HAD TO DEFEND IT FROM AN EVIL SHADOW PRINCE…”

“NO ONE CARES, PINKIE! No one!”

“GHAH!”

<-ooooooo->

Pinkie’s eye twitched a couple times. “Must have slipped my mind,” Pinkie said with an irritated expression on her face.

“Well, Dan human, I’m afraid I must say farewell for now. I have royal duties to attend to,” Luna said.

 “Ah, like meeting with back-stabbing advisors or whiny vassals?” Dan suggested.

“Actually, my sister is in the final stages of lowering the sun, soon I must raise the moon.”

“You two have to move heavenly bodies all on your own?!” Dan asked, feeling everything he knew about physics suddenly being put on trial.

“No one on your world has to move the sun or moon each day, or put the stars in the sky?”

Life in prison, no chance at bail. “What?! No! They do that on their own!”

“Hmph, how convenient that must be,” Luna said walking off.

Dan went quiet, pondering on how he had certainly misjudged Pinkie’s friends, her world…and Pinkie for that matter.

Maybe I should let her talk to me about pony-land every once in a while…at least for a few minutes…

Pinkie began thrusting at keyboard keys with rigid arms and fingers, uttering frustrated “EEEH!”s with every stab.

…Then again, maybe not…

“Twilight, I’m not sure this is such a great idea.”

Dan turned back to the mirror, hearing the first masculine voice of the day.

“If you don’t talk to him, then I’ll have to talk to him, again!” Twilight pushed a reluctant looking orange pegasus with a blue mane in front of the mirror. “You’re my guard, so guard me.” Twilight quickly ran off to the side.

“But...!” Flash Sentry began, looking at the mirror and suddenly realizing he was being stared at. “Uh…Hey?”

“Wait, there actually are male ponies?!” Dan asked in a surprised tone.

Flash tried to figure out a response. “Well…uh…yeah. I mean…where did you think we get baby ponies from?”

“I just figured you all just spread like pink, girly mold on bread.”

Flash chuckled.

“So, Mr. Guy Horse Guard, why’d Sparkler toss you out into the ring?”

“Well…ummm…” Flashed blush slightly and trailed off.

“Oooh! That’s Twilight’s boyfriend!” Pinkie informed, glancing up for a split second.

Flash chuckled nervously.

“Dating your employer, eh? Scandalous. I’d tell you off if I actually cared about your bizarre equine society.”

Flash smiled. “Well Twilight sort of makes the rules, so it’s not exactly like there’s anyone to tell me off.”

“Heh, sweet deal. Still, I’m surprised you can tolerate her.”

“What do you mean?” Flash asked, a little perturbed at the unkind wording Dan had chosen.

“Well…you seem kinda…not a giant nerd.”

“Oh that,” Flash smiled. “Actually, I think it’s cute.”

Pinkie uttered an “Awwww…”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Really? How many encyclopedias does she own?”

Flash blinked a few times. “Like…volumes or full sets? Either way…I…uh…sort of fell asleep last time she was telling me…”

Pinkie and Dan doubled over in laughter.

Dan regained his composure enough to ask “Seriously, is she the Princess of the nerds over there?” in between giggles.

“Well, she does still live at a Library,” Flash informed.

The volume of laughter coming from Dan and Pinkie increased.

“Tag up!” Twilight called out.

“Uh…Did I say something wrong?” Flash asked.

“NO! Everything is FINE. Just FINE!” Twilight insisted, putting a bit too much stress on just how fine things were. “I am 100%, absolutely, totally not mad at you or anything!” Twilight said, her words conveying that she meant exactly what she said, but her tone, facial expression, and body language saying otherwise.

“Uh geez… I better go guys…” Flash said, trudging away.

“Good luck!” Pinkie called out.

“Call her ‘Too Purple’ it’s her new favorite nickname,” Dan suggested.

Flash chuckled. “Riiiiiiight…”

-ooooo-

“…And then I, ‘The Grrrreat and Powerful Trixie’ said, ‘Fear not, weak and feeble ponies of Ponyville! I Trixie will return this foul, and giant cosmic bear to the Everfree forest with my impressive, and praiseworthy, collection of great and powerful spells!”

“Now, this is important.” Dan interjected. “How many electric guitars were playing as you battled the multi-story bear monster?”

“Oh…uh…20! All controlled by my magic as I met the Ursa Major on a field of battle. Other ponies cowered in fear, even Twilight Sparkle… Especially Twilight Sparkle.”

“Sweet,” Dan said.

The mirror emitted blue and purple light as Trixie illustrated each new detail with her magic, even adding the guitars and music.

“You know…I can watch this for hours," Dan said.

Trixie smiled. Even if it's just one, I love a good audience... especially one that doesn't question anything I say!"

“Trixie?! Who let you in here!?” Twilight called out.

“Trixie goes where Trixie wants!” Trixie shot back.

“Uh, sorry Twilight…I thought we were jus’ lettin’ random ponies in after you took off with Flash…” Applejack admitted.

“Flash isn’t ‘random’!” Twilight complained.

“Nor is ‘The Grrrreat and Powerful Trixie’!” Trixie protested.

“Trixie! Get out of my research area! Dan doesn’t need to be corrupted... further, by the likes of you!” Twilight cried in a demanding tone.

“You going to let Princess Nerd push you around like that?” Dan asked.

“I most certainly am NOT!”

“Dan! Don’t encourage her!” Twilight said as she walked into view.

“And Twilight, are you going to let Trixie get away with calling your house ‘a dorky book repository for a geeky shut-in’?”

“WHAT?!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Hey, I didn’t…” Trixie paused, glancing up to the ceiling and tapping her hoof against her chin. “Oh wait…I think I did say that during the prologue…”

“GRAAAAH!” Twilight cried as she launched herself at Trixie. Twilight used her wings to add a little momentum, tackling the light blue unicorn to the floor and knocking off her hat.

Trixie immediately fought back, smacking her hooves against the purple princess and grabbing a mouthful of feathers from Twilight’s wing.

The two wrestled and flailed against each other, trading insults.

“Oh why don’t you just cast a spell toOUCHmake this go away, Princess?” Trixie asked, adding an audible sneer at the word ‘Princess’.

“At least my spells aren’t just uselessGHAH, flashy, nonsense!”

“Nonsense! My SpSMACK...spells entertain ponies all over Equestria,” Trixie said dizzily.

“With a little help from your lies, of cour…YEOWCH!” Twilight said as Trixie sunk her teeth into Twilight’s foreleg.

Pinkie looked up, frustration slowly becoming the default expression as the hours of trying to get the computer to cooperate dragged on. “Are Twilight and Trixie…fighting?!”

“Yeah…” Dan said, memorized by the tussle in front of him, “I could watch this for hours…”

-ooo-

Pinkie raised her pink crowbar as far above her head as the limited room in the fort would allow. She brought it down towards the computer, dwelling on how great it would be to be free of the wretched thing.

It was not to be. Dan snagged the crowbar just above Pinkie’s grip and quickly wrested it from her, accidentally smacking the back of the couch with it, the couch doubling as the back wall. The pillows and structure wobbled and the two occupants paused until the structure settled.

Dan chastised Pinkie with a wag of his finger.

Pinkie whimpered quietly and went back to the laptop.

“Oh my. Everything alright over there, my dear?”  A sophisticated sounding male voice called out.

Pinkie merely grunted a reply, as frustration reemerged from every corner of her face.

“Buck up, young filly, you’ll get it!” The voice assured.

Dan turned back to the mirror. A sophisticated white unicorn to match the voice was in view. Dan himself had changed into his Mr. Pennybags outfit complete with monocle, mustachio, and top hat; the monocle and mustachio complementing the monocle and mustache of the unicorn on the other side of the mirror.

“So Dan, you were telling me about your ever expanding real estate business,” Fancy Pants said to the dapper gentleman.

“Ah yes,” Dan said, donning his old money voice. “Well, the green and blue properties of course always bring the big money; Boardwalk, Park place, etcetera…”

“Of course,” Fancy Pants replied with a nod, as if the sentence needn't explanation.

“However, recently I’ve decided to diversify my investments.  You can’t go putting all your eggs in one basket, you know? One giant fire, or thermonuclear explosion and it’s all gone in a flash.” Dan paused to sip tea out of a chipped glass that was sitting atop a small, chipped saucer.

“Ah yes, I remember when an associate of mine almost had his fortune ruined because of a Parasprite infestation. Lucky the old boy was well insured, but the downtime required to get his business back in order played havoc with his finances.”

“Quite,” Dan responded. “That’s why I’ve thought it best to purchase properties off planet entirely,” Dan said, sipping more tea.

“Off planet, you say?” Fancy Pants responded, monocle nearly popping off his face.

“Ah yes, Tatooine, Cloud City, Coruscant…”

Pinkie began sniggering to herself.

“We’ve even got hotels on Middle Earth.”

Pinkie began to fail stifling her laughter.

“Good show, Dan!”

“Yes, soon we hope to build property on Uranus,” Dan said, attempting to block his smile with his tea cup.

Pinkie rolled over on the mattress, laughing so hard that tears began to form at her eyes. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."

“The lady sure seems impressed.” Fancy Pants commented with a smile as he motioned out to Pinkie.

-ooooo-

Pinkie’s eye twitched, and she gritted her teeth in a rapid split second movement.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...!” Came derisive laughter from the mirror, it resting on a pillow.

“Discord, you really shouldn’t laugh at others frustration like that…” A soft voice said.

Dan joined the laughter with a “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...!” Using one hand to point at Pinkie and the other to hold his side.

The soft voice became a little sterner “Dan! You should know better than to pick on Pinkie like that. She’s trying the best she can!”

Pinkie erupted in a frustrated growl and pounced on Dan. Interrupting his laughter as she knocked him to the mattress, straddled his chest, and finding his neck with her slender hands. The entire fort shook with the impact on the mattress, but the occupants were a little too preoccupied to notice at this point.

“Hack…cough…”Dan uttered several choking sounds as he struggled to get Pinkie, or her hands, off of him.

Discord’s derisive laughter changed to full belly laughing as he fell to the floor, rolling and laughing at the scene in front of him. “HAHAHAHhehehe…stop, stop! You’re killing me!” Discord said from the floor.

“Oh my!” Fluttershy said. “Tag up, Dan! Tag up!”

“Meow,” Mr. Mumbles called a few feet away from the scene of violence.

Dan frantically stuck out his hand, Mr. Mumbles swatted and trotted into view of the mirror with a “Meow?”

Pinkie calmed down enough to move her weight off Dan, grab the laptop, and turned, facing away from the mirror.

Dan struggled to catch his breath and meekly crawled out of the fort.

Discord composed himself enough to look at the mangy cat in the mirror and sighed, “Show’s over I guess.” He wandered off.

Fluttershy followed him with her eyes. “Discord, you didn’t…”

Before she could finish, a disembodied Eagle claw appeared and lifted one of her forehooves. A disembodied lion paw also appeared and gave her hoof a tap.

With a smile, Fluttershy returned her focus to the mirror.

“Meow.”

“Awwww…who’s a pretty kitty?” Fluttershy asked.

“Meow?”

“Of course it’s you! You’re sucha pretty kitty!"

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles rolled onto her back and began purring.

“Awwww…whosaprettykitty? Whosaprettykitty?” Fluttershy glanced up to the pink mop of hair in her mirror. “Pinkie! Mr. Mumbles requires belly rubs, please.”

“Busy,” Pinkie responded curtly, without looking back.

“Pinkie! I can’t give Mr. Mumbles the belly rubs she requires through the mirror,” Fluttershy replied with a small frown.

“I SAID I WAS BUSY!” Pinkie snapped, turning to level an angry glare at the mirror.

Fluttershy gasped. “Too busy to scratch a fluffy kitty’s belly? Pinkie, I’m not sure I even know who you are anymore…”

Pinkie paused and contemplated this. She began to tear up, “Oh my gosh! You’re right, Fluttershy.” Pinkie stared down at Mr. Mumbles, who was still on her back and gave her a quick “Mew?”

“I’VE BECOME EVERYTHING I’VE EVER HATED!” Pinkie declared, collapsing into a fountain of tears, but still outstretching a hand to rub Mr. Mumbles’s belly.

“Oh Pinkie, don’t cry. It’s okay…” Fluutershy said.

“Sniff…No it’s not! SOB…I’m stupid and I can’t figure out ANYTHING! WHOUAAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAA!” Pinkieburied her face in her arm as the other continued to stroke Mr. Mumbles, desperately trying to grasp onto cat fur as if it was her very equinity that she was holding onto.

The rest of Pinkie’s friends gathered to the mirror with a concerned look on their faces.

Pinkie felt a warm hand on her shoulder, she glanced up to see Dan holding out a kitchen towel. “Tag up?” he asked softly.

Pinkie grabbed the towel, wiped her face with it, and blew her nose. Her eyes still puffy and her face still red, she whimpered a soft, “Uh-huh.”

Dan held out his hand, and Pinkie gave it a swat. Still petting Mr. Mumbles, she scooted closer to the mirror.

Mr. Mumbles stood up, and swatted Pinkie’s hand, trotting out of the fort.

Pinkie collected herself as she collected the mirror and brought it up to her face.

“So…ummm…what did you all think of Dan?”

Pinkie was bombarded with responses as all her friends spoke out at once.

“He’s awful!”

“So uncool!”

“He’s a lowdown, cheatin’ snake!”

“Uncultured barbarian!”

“He’s great.”

“Totally rad!”

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity all turned to face Fluttershy and Spike. In unison the four asked “Really?!”

“Yeah, he’s awesome!” Spike responded.

“Yeah, he’s great,” Fluttershy repeated softly.

Dan examined a slip of paper, trying to decipher Pinkie’s girly scrawl; Pinkie obviously not have taken the same time to write the password down as she did when she wrote for her arts and crafts projects.

Dan squinted and scratched at the stubble on his cheek. “Pinkie,” he called out, “usually when someone says ‘three’ when they’re giving you a password, they mean the number ‘3’.” Dan turned the piece of paper for Pinkie to see.

Pinkie snatched it and examined it, a smile quickly reclaiming the previously lost territory of her face. “Tag up!” She said, setting the mirror down and holding her hand out.

Dan smacked her hand and Pinkie was back in front of the computer in an instant.

Some excited typing and a hopeful, “Oooooooh!” later, Dan found Pinkie on top of him again. This time, it was Pinkie's arms and not her hands that where around his neck, much to Dan's relief.

“Hack…cough…”

…Or maybe not.

Slowly, Pinkie released the death grip on her roommate’s neck and sat up, she placed the mirror so her friends could view the computer screen.

“Finally, now we can finally begin our search for…Hey!” Twilight called out as Dan quickly typed something into the computer. “Dan, I don’t think…IS THAT A CAT PLAYING THE BAGPIPES?!”

Everyone gathered closer to the mirror as 'Scotland the Brave' played out of the computer to a video of a cat bouncing up and down on bagpipes.

Dan clicked a few items and suddenly another cat was added, blowing into the pipes.

“It’s…it’s more beautiful than I dared dream,” Fluttershy commented with wide eyes and wide pupils.

“Yep.” Dan said. “And there are thousands more where these two came from.”

“Do they have dogs?” Applejack asked hopefully.

“Or tortoises?” Rainbow Dash added excitedly.

“They have every animal you can think of and even a whole bunch of ones you didn’t know existed,” Dan responded.

“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh…” Dash responded, excitedly flapping her wings.

The group eagerly began shouting requests as Pinkie sat down next to her roommate with a content smile.

-ooooooo-

“Alright everpony, I raised the sun hours ago. You should all go get some sleep,” Celestia called out maternally, walking into the room

There was a series of disappointed groans from the five ponies and baby dragon, as they sat up, stretched, and made their way to the exit.

Luna followed close behind and leaned in close to her sister. “Uh…thanks for lowering the moon for me, sister…I lost track of time…” She admitted embarrassed.

Celestia smiled warmly at her younger sister. “Not to worry, you should get some rest.”

Luna smiled, nodded, and walked out.

Celestia turned to the mirror. “Now, I think you two should also get some rest.” She said, assuming Dan and Pinkie to be behind the mirror but in earshot. Suddenly, Celestia’s eyes narrowed as Mr. Mumbles wandered into view. “Oh, it’s you…what do you…” -- With a “Meow”, Mr. Mumbles tapped a few keys on the computer – “…IS THAT A CAT PLAYING THE BAGPIPES?!”

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 18 Pinkie Vs. Mess

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. RoommateChapter 18 Pinkie Vs. Mess-oooooo-

Dan uttered a few groggy grumbles as he slowly rose from bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, clad in nothing but his white with red stripes boxers. He glanced to the other side of the bed to find it empty. It took him a few seconds in his sleepy haze to remember he had the mattress (now reassembled into a bed) all to himself once more. The bed was pretty small by basically any metric, so having more than a few feet of space was certainly nice. Though, weeks of sharing the mattress with someone suddenly coming to an end left him with a vague sense of emptiness he had no desire to dwell on and even less to talk over with anyone. Especially not…

…

Dan peered through the open bedroom door into the living room, seeing a blanket neatly draped over the couch. Now where is…

Dan had time to turn and little else as the bathroom door flew open and the pink blur of his roommate was on top of him and enveloping him in a crushing embrace.

Definitely going to miss her not having a running start each morning/afternoon to do that…

Pinkie released her embrace and held herself up, her pink pajama clad arms and legs now straddling her roommate. “Did you miss me?” she asked, fluttering her eyelashes.

“No!” Dan answered grumpily.

 “Daaaaaaaan~,” Pinkie cooed. “You know what happens to liars in this apartment.” Pinkie fixed her roommate with a playful grin, “Don’t you?”

Dan met her playful grin with a glare. “Don’t you dare!”

Pinkie’s hand’s curled and her fingertips found Dan’s bare sides.

“No! Stop!” Dan pleaded.

“Mercy is for the weak, Dan.” Pinkie said, adding some fake gruffness to her voice. Rapidly, but lightly, she began running her fingertips over Dan’s sides.

“NO!..hehe…stop…hahaha…no!..not…giggle…there…” Dan feebly attempted to get Pinkie off of him or restrain her hands. He was at a distinct tactical disadvantage given she already had him pinned down and also had several inches on him to begin with.

“That’s right!” Pinkie declared, grinning wickedly at her hapless victim. “Liars get tickle tortured!”  Pinkie doubled down on the tickling intensity, reducing her roommate to little more than a frantic squirming mass of laughter and tears.

Through the unrelenting onslaught of frantic finger brushes, Dan found enough strength to raise his torso and leverage enough weight to push his roommate neatly to the side of the bed, roughly pushing himself off the bed in the process.

Dan hit the floor with a resounding thud.

Pinkie cautiously poked her head over the side of the bed and put on a pained expression, “Sorry, Dan…” She offered.

Dan was up on his feet in an instant leveling an angry finger at his roommate, though angry snarls ended up filling in for a coherent sentence.

Pinkie scooted back a few inches and met Dan’s enraged look with a concerned and apologetic one.

Dan threw his hands up in frustration and trudged over to his giant pile of blue-jeans, pulling a pair up over his bare legs and boxers. She needs like a…sign…or signal or anything for when she’s going to be all hyper, and bubbly, and touchy! ...Which I guess is pretty much every day…

Pinkie hesitated to say something given she was at least, temporarily, in Dan’s bad books. The urge to improve her roommate’s habits got the better of her. “Uh, Dan…shouldn’t you…you know…shower before getting dressed…and maybe swap out articles of clothing?”  She asked with a big smile, fluttering her eyelashes a couple times.

“Why?  I’m just going to get dirty again,” Dan countered, hunting for a pair of socks on his floor that looked clean enough not to give him some sort of horrible foot fungus.

…Again.

“Well…” Pinkie began, “maybe it’s more for the people who have…Imean get to be around you?” she added hopefully.

“You mean all the people I hate?” Dan responded.

Pinkie frowned, hoping she was somehow exempt from that list that, in all likelihood, contained close to the entire planet’s population and probably a few aliens Dan still had a bone to pick with.

Dan grabbed a wrinkled shirt off his dresser and put it on.

“Dan! Is that the same shirt you wore yesterday…and the day before that?”

“It’s fine!” Dan insisted, stepping over to his roommate. “Here, smell.”

Pinkie plugged her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “I did! From over there!” she responded nasally.

Dan made a frustrated grunt and took the shirt off, throwing it into a black pile of “JERK” shirts. He then fetched a shirt out of the same pile and put it on.

“Better?” He asked with an irritated expression.

Pinkie frowned slightly. “Don’t you have any that are…clean?”

“What! It’s clean!” Dan insisted. “Look, I know your sex hasn’t evolved enough to get past binary levels of sanitation, but we men have discovered there are many levels and degrees to cleanliness.” Dan said holding an informative index finger up.

Pinkie’s frown slowly crawled across her face, encouraging her eyes and brow to join it. I need to develop my Pinkie sense to warn me when Dan is going to be grumpy and irritable, or something… Which I guess is pretty much every day… Pinkie suddenly glanced up at the ceiling. Hmmm…Pinkie sense…

Pinkie looked up as she heard the jingling of keys.

Dan placed his keys and wallet in his pockets and headed for the door to the apartment.

“Wait! Dan, where are you going?” Pinkie asked.

“Out,” Dan said flatly.

“Oooh, can I--”

Dan quickly opened the door and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

'SLAM!'

"--come?” Pinkie sighed.

I guess having a funderful day with my favorite roommate in the whole-wide-world will just have to take a rain check.  Ooh! “Funderful”…I’ll have to write that one down… Now, about that Pinkie sense… That tingling sensation before the fort went all crashy last night…that must have been my tail twitching…

Pinkie craned her neck and attempted to inspect her tailless rear.

And my knees got pinchy when I first arrived on this world…though I guess I was too distracted with the new body to notice…

Pinkie set aside attempting to ascertain the new signals her super-natural senses had shifted to in favor of surveying Dan’s messy room. The floor was more dirty clothing than carpet at this point, and what was under the layer of clothing could probably use a good washing as well.

Hmmm…Well, if Dan is going to be out, I could probably take this opportunity to clean this place. I mean…I keep tripping over stuff on the way to my closet. Either static electricity is going to turn this mess sentient or I’m simply going to get stuck in a pit of it and die surrounded by Dan’s dirty laundry.

As amusing as the thought of having some sort of pet created out of clutter was, the horrifying and more likely thought of passing out from the stench of a soiled t-shirt mountain then ending up entombed in it filled Pinkie with a newfound desire to clean Dan’s room and the rest of the apartment.

-ooooooo-

Dan trudged up the stairs of Casa Paradisio, grumbling to himself.

“Okay, Burgerphile getting my order wrong, again, was bad enough, but seriously ..? It’s a crime to fill a Super-Soaker full of tabasco sauce and fire it at mouthy middle schoolers? It wasn’t even the habanero! What kind of fascist police state is California turning into?”

-

Pinkie smiled as she finished frosting her chocolate cake. In between walking to the Laundromat and waiting for things to wash or dry, she had found time to do some baking. She even took the time to make a half a dozen lactose-free chocolate cupcakes for Dan.

Pinkie glanced at the cupcakes.

Maybe those will cheer Dan up!

Pinkie picked up her finished chocolate cake and brought it towards the fridge.

Whoa!

Pinkie paused as a series of sensations washed over her…

Ear flop…or wiggle…they don’t really flop, do they? Er…eye flutter, knee twitch…another ear wiggle? That doesn’t…

The apartment door flung open.

Pinkie’s world quickly went brown followed shortly by black.

Ahhh... 'Watch out for opening doors.' AND 'You’re about to need a bath.'

Dan paused.

Huh, the door doesn’t usually stop like that…or make a 'splat' sound.

Dan closed the door to reveal his roommate wearing a fashionable chocolate cake mask complete with metal platter.

The platter fell and clattered on the floor, followed by most of the cake which exploded as it impacted the ground.

“Seriously? All over the door, floor, and my clothes? Nice one Pinkie.”

Pinkie wiped away a thick layer of frosting and cake from her eyes and leveled piercing blue eyes set to ‘kill’ at Dan.

Dan wiped a finger full of frosting and cake from Pinkie’s cheek and put it up towards his mouth...

…

“Does this have milk in it?”

“…Why don’t you try it and find out for yourself?” Pinkie said irritably.

“Ulch, that’s a ‘yes’.”  Dan wiped the mass of cake on the nearby, previously spotless, fridge.

“Hey!” Pinkie protested.

Dan punted a mass of cake across the room. It sailed messily over the couch and splatted against the wall on the other side.

Pinkie’s chocolate caked jaw dropped and her eye twitched.

A mental counter suddenly ratcheted up to 5 in her brain.

“Wha…why?” She stammered out.

Dan leveled an accusatory finger at her. “You were going to let me poison myself!”

“Well…” Pinkie glanced to the side, the side of her mouth likewise following suit. “…Okay, but I would have felt bad about it afterwards,” she assured. “Besides, you could have pointed that out without messing up the living room.”

“I’m not sure that I could,” Dan disputed with closed eyes and folded arms.

Pinkie grumbled a few unpleasant things under her breath and grabbed a kitchen towel to clean her face. She looked down at her white and red striped, chocolate covered shirt and pouted.

“Are these poisoned as well?” Dan said, pointing at the chocolate cupcakes.

Pinkie looked up from her chocolate stained shirt with an angry frown, considering lying to Dan as passive aggressive payback for his Danness.

Her conscious got the better of her. “…No,” she answered.

Dan eyed her suspiciously, grabbed a cupcake, and took a bite. “Hmmm… this is really good.”

Pinkie took a few calming breaths. “…Glad you like them.”

SPLAT

7

“DAN!? WHAT IN TARTARUS?!” Pinkie screamed shrilly, examining the cupcake Dan just threw at a window.

“THAT’S for hesitating.” Dan answered, picking up another cupcake and biting into it.

“Grrrrr…Dan, WAIT! At least take off your shoes! I just…scrubbed…the…carpets…” Pinkie buried her face in a palm as Dan tracked chocolate and dirt across the apartment.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?!” Dan demanded from the bedroom.

Pinkie sighed and walked into the bedroom. “I cleaned it, and your clothes.”

“You RUINED my system!”

“Your system was a pile of jeans, a pile of shirts, and socks and underwear strewn across the floor.”

“MAYBE to the untrained, female, eye! But I had everything carefully laid out in order from cleanest to dirtiest.” Dan insisted angrily.

“Well, now everything is clean, and in your dresser, so what’s it matter?” Pinkie asked, frustration having already taken up all the space on her face but finding more on the rest of her body.

Dan narrowed his eyes and lobbed the cupcake he was holding at the bedroom closet full of pink, blue, and yellow clothes.

14

“GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“You really need to work on that temper or yours,” Dan said, taking off his chocolate splattered shirt and jeans and unceremoniously dropping both to the floor.

Pinkie took several short, shallow breaths as Dan fished out a clean top and jeans out of his dresser. Dan quickly got dressed, including his still chocolate covered shoes, and made his way back towards the living room.

16

“Dan, couldn’t you at least have put those on in the kitchen.”

“What? And get chocolate on them?”

Rage, confusion, and coherence struggled for control of Pinkie’s vocal cords. “I…I…just…but…you…” Coherence was whisked away to the emergency room in critical condition.

Dan grabbed the rest of the cupcakes. “Well, I think I’ll head out again. I’ve still got about a pint or more of hot sauce in my Super Soaker, and I need to figure out what to do with it. And besides,” Dan motioned to the chocolate sprayed and splattered apartment, “looks like you have some cleaning to do.”

Pinkie face contorted as anger pulled it in several directions at once. Her mouth hung open angrily, but Pinkie was having trouble vocalizing anything at this point.

“Toodles!” Dan said cheerfully, waving as he closed the door behind him.

Pinkie stood in place for a few seconds, her face still twisted in fury. With a heavy sigh, Pinkie hung her head and slouched her shoulders. She looked up to survey the damage.

The main mess is in the kitchen, of course. Dan’s kick has left a trail over the couch, meaning both it andmy blankets need to be cleaned if I don’t want to sleep in chocolate tonight…Wait, that actually sounds kinda awesome…

Pinkie smacked her forehead a few times. …NO, NO, NO! You’re trying to clean the apartment, not make it worse…

Pinkie sighed.

Cupcake on the window.

Pinkie sighed deeper.

Cupcake in mycloset…

Chocolate on the shirt and jean-shorts I’m STILL wearing…Maybe I should call Elise up and see if she can take me clothes shopping later. I’m not sure if Dan can survive 16 stab wounds…

The door flew open again, a chocolate cupcake sailing through it and hitting the landline telephone.

“And THAT’S just to keep you on your toes!” Dan announced, quickly closing the door behind him.

20

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

-ooooo-

Pinkie looked over her freshly frosted chocolate cake and smiled. Alternating cleaning and baking was tiring and she nearly dumped a cup of carpet cleaner into the batter at one point, but it felt good to have the place clean again and to finally get to have some cake. She took the slightly chocolate covered apron off and placed it neatly on the counter, her pink dress with blue and yellow balloons having escaped baking and Dan unscathed.

Pinkie felt a series of tingles, wiggles, and flutters.

Ear wiggle, eye flutter, knee twitch…twitchy…rear?

Pinkie backed up just as the door swung open, narrowly missing her.

“Dan! Welcome back! Please don’t throw anymore cupcakes!” Pinkie pleaded, cupping her hands under her chin.

Dan shrugged. “Ate ‘em.” He closed the door behind him and surveyed the apartment. “Heeeeeey! Looking good! You’ve really outdone yourself.”

Pinkie smiled. “Thanks! It took a lot of scrubbing but…”

“You didn’t by chance make more of those lactose-free chocolate cupcakes?”

“No, but the fridge is full of…”

SPLAT

Forgot about the twitchy…hindquarters?

27

“OH, COME ON!” Pinkie screamed, her chocolate cake now getting rather intimate with her socks and the floor beneath them.

“And THAT’S for only selfishly thinking about yourself!” Dan said as he grabbed a kitchen towel to wipe the chocolate off his hand.

Pinkie’s face turned red, and Dan was sure he heard a kettle start to boil…

Pinkie mustered the last of her will to calmly ask, “Dan, can you please go outside for a minute?”

“Fiiiine,” Dan said. “Left something in the car, anyways…” Dan returned outside.

Pinkie quickly removed her socks and toweled off her feet. She fetched her pink laptop bag. Setting it down on the counter, she pulled her smart phone out of it and pressed the screen a few times.

“Hey, Pinkie,” a feminine voice answered.

“Hi, Elise!” Pinkie said excitedly. “So ummm…I know it’s a little late but…errrr…could you maybe…swing by…”

“What he do?” Elise asked flatly.

Pinkie sighed before she continued, “That obvious, huh?”

“Well, you are living with Dan.” Elise responded.

“…Yeah…Okay, he sort of got chocolate everywhere…including my clothes…like…almost all of them…also he destroyed a cake…two if we count accidents.”

Elise whistled into the phone, then asked, “What’s he up to?”

Pinkie sighed again ans answered, “27.”

“Ouch…does he know?”

“No…I kinda hoped I could get through the night without threatening him with bodily harm and likely death.”

Elise chuckled. “Alright, tell you what. I’ll be right over. We’ll go shopping, grab some dinner, and even catch a movie. How’s that sound?”

“That sounds like a splendiferous evening of awesome fun times! Way better than spending it in jail or figuring out how to dispose of a body.”

There was a pause on the other line “…You KNOW I just happen to have a body bag or two out back and a number of cleanup kits specifically designed for…”

“So! See you soon?” Pinkie interrupted with a worried smile on her face.

“Sure Pinkie! I’ll be right over.”

“Great! Bye-Bye, Elsie!”

“Bye.”

Pinkie paused as she felt her ears wiggle.

Oh no…

Dan kicked the door open and leveled a Super Soaker directly at Pinkie, shooting her between the eyes with a red stream of hot sauce.

“Now, be honest with me. Does that seem hot enough to be labeled ‘felony worthy’?” Dan asked.

Pinkie wiped away tabasco sauce from her eyes and leveled piercing sky-blue eyes set to ‘disintegrate’ at Dan.

“WELL?!” Dan asked impatiently.

“37,” Pinkie said simply.

Dan’s expression shifted from impatience to surprise to fear.

Uh-oh... If she uttering a random number it can only mean on thing... Dan gulped, “That bad?” He was never quite sure if Pinkie would really inflict multiple stab-wounds on his personage, but by the time she suggested it as an option she was usually managing faces of rage that made Dan’s best rage faces look like he was just asked to kitten sit in comparison.

“Let’s see…I’ve cleaned the apartment TWICE, not to mention all your clothes! I even made you cupcakes! And yousquashed a cake on me without so much as an apology, destroyed another one out of spite, threw cupcakes…ONE AT MY CLOSET, and you just drenched me and one of the few non-chocolate covered articles of clothing I had left with hot sauce…” Pinkie licked the hot sauce from around her lips. “…Yeah, this is pretty mild. I’m not sure what the fuss is about.”

“That’s what I sa--”

“DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!” Pinkie roared.

Dan refocused his attention on Pinkie and went quiet.

“NOW! Elise will be here any minute to take me out. Possibly with a body bag and some sort of international spy murder clean up kit. I’m going to shower and change into what’s probably my LAST set of clean clothes and go out with her.” Pinkie leveled an index finger at Dan. “You are going to clean up this cake, take a shower, change into something clean, brush your teeth, and make me a NEW cake by the time I get back…OR ELSE.”  To make her point, Pinkie grabbed the chief’s knife from her bag, unsheathed it, and tossed it on the countertop in one swift movement. The knife tip stuck in the counter and swung back and forth like a metronome, if a metronome was sharp and could be used to stab your roommate 37 times.

“SAVVY?!” Pinkie screeched.

“Uh…savvy…” Dan responded. He tentatively raised an index finger. “Just one thing…I’m not sure I can bake…”

Pinkie shoved an open recipe book in front of Dan’s face.

Dan used his finger to slowly lower the book enough to meet his roommate’s death glare… “Er…this has milk, how am I…”

“FIGURE IT OUT!” Pinkie angrily dropped the open book on the counter, grabbed her knife, sheathed it, returned it to the bag, stormed off towards the bedroom, picked out some jeans, white button up shirt and vest from the closet, taking care to hold them away from any hot sauce, walked out the bedroom into the bathroom, and slammed the door after her.

Dan quickly grabbed his smartphone out of his pocket and pushed the screen a couple times.

“Dan!” Elise answered cheerfully, “Did you mean to dial Chris or the hospital?”

“Haha,” Dan said sarcastically, “Have you left yet?”

“I was just about to walk out the door.” Elise responded.

“Great, bring Chris and leave him here with me when you come to pick up Pinkie.”

“Ooooooh, well…that depends. Is this vengeance related, or ‘I don’t want to be stabbed 27 times’ related?” Elise asked.

“The latter…and I’m up to 37.”

“Wow! That’s a record! And you got 10 more in the two minutes since I got off the phone with Pinkie. That’s got to be some sort of speed record.”

“Can I have Chris, or do I need to take him?” Dan asked.

“Alright Dan. I’ll get him. But I want you to know I’m only doing this for Pinkie…specifically because I find her objectively terrifying when she’s this angry.”

“I know, right? It’s like under all the cotton candy and rainbows there beats the heart of a psychotic serial killer.”

“Well Dan, you do tend to bring out the worse in people.”

Dan went silent.

 “Dan?” Elise asked with a touch of concern.

“Nothing. Bring Chris…and please leave the body bag and clean-up kits at home.”

“’Yes’, and ‘I’ll strongly consider it.’ respectively,” Elise responded.

“…Good enough.” Dan terminated the call.

Dan sighed, looking at the open recipe book and hoped that despite his lactose intolerance and Chris’s complete incompetence at everything, the two of them could make one decent baker.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 19 Dan Vs. Hygiene

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. RoommateChapter 19 Dan Vs. Hygiene -ooooooo-

Dan stared down at the mess of a cake now splattered in the kitchen…or the area of the small apartment that served as a kitchen.

I can probably get Chris to take care of this when he gets here.

Dan’s ears perked up as he heard…singing? Pinkie was apparently singing in the shower.

Maybe that’s all she needed?

Dan put his ear up to the bathroom door and listened in, hopeful that his roommate was singing about rainbows, sunshine, and candy like normal.

“La la la la la…something, something 37… Hrrmmm….what rhymes with ‘seven’? OH! Heaven! Good one…”

Dan swallowed and glanced over to the cake on the ground, the idea of leaving it until Pinkie got out suddenly terrifying. He opened the cabinet under the kitchen sink and donned some yellow rubber gloves while grabbing carpet cleaner, some rags, and a brush.

Soon the cake and the mess it left was little more than a memory occupying the garbage.

Dan heard the sound of a hair dryer. Deciding to risk another listen at the bathroom door, he sneaked over and placed an ear against it once again.

“Tra la la la…something…stab wounds…Shoot. What rhymes with wounds?..

“…”

“…Hounds? Does that work? Can I pronounce words funny for the sake of rhyme?”

“…”

“Do I need to get a killer dog, now, for this song to work?”

Dan opted to sit in his easy chair and stare into space to reduce risk of him messing up his apartment accidentally.

Before long, there was a knock on the door.

Dan got up to answer it.

“Dan! You’re still alive and conscious and unstabbed and everything! Awesome!” Chris beamed.

Elise sighed. “Yeah…awesome…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Don’t hurt yourselves getting happy over it or anything…”

“I’M happy,” Chris insisted. He gave his wife a sly look. “Twenty dollars happy.”

Elise sighed, fished her wallet out of her purse, grabbed a twenty dollar bill out of that, and handed the bill to Chris.

“Did you two BET on if she would kill me before you got here?!” Dan asked, flabbergasted.

“No! Maimed!” Chris asserted. “Elise told me you probably wouldn’t die of blood loss or organ failure by the time we arrived.”

Dan glared at Elise. “Thanks Elise, you’re a peach. Rotten to the core, that is.”

Elise grinned, getting under Dan’s skin suddenly being worth the money she had just handed over to her husband.

“And YOU!” Dan said as he leveled one of his patented accusatory fingers at Chris. “How DARE you profit over my potential mutilation!”

“Hey!” Chris protested. “I was betting against your mutilation!”

“Oh…right. YOU!” Dan wheeled around to point at Elise, “How DARE you attempt to profit over my potential mutilation!”

Elise continued to smile, and shrugged while lifting her palms and forearms up slightly. “What can I say Dan, you bring out the worst in people.”

Dan’s expression shifted and his spitting, frothing, surface rage shifted to a quieter, bubbling under the surface anger.

Elise’s expression shifted too, and her smile dropped as she realized she may have struck a little below the belt on that last one.

Chris’s eyes darted back and forth between his wife and Dan as he realized their normal barb trade-off had seemingly descended into something a bit more awkward and personal. Chris cleared his throat. “Now, Dan. It’s only fair given you try to bet with me every time Elise goes out on a dangerous mission.”

The tactic seemed to work; Dan snapped right back to his angry, irate self of a few moments ago. “Aaaaand you’d have made a pretty penny off of me if you could ever stop crying long enough to settle on an amount. I mean, she’s still here isn't she?”

Chris went pale. “You know…let’s not talk about…”

Elise’s expression shifted to a smug grin as she looped an arm around her husband’s own arm and laid a palm on it. “Heh. You should take him up on his bet Chris. I’m the top agent in my field. It’ll be a warm day in Siberia before someone takes me out.”

Dan winced. “You know how I feel about Siberia! Do it again and I will cut you!”

“Hey guys..?” Chris said, trying to keep things from getting worse.

He failed.

“With what?” Elise said, her smile widening and tone getting more condescending. “You got a steak knife you’re going to come at me with?” Elise fluttered her eyelids at Dan. “You know I’m a master of the ninjatō.”

Dan’s face turned red as he closed the distance between himself and Elise.

Elise released her arms and began to advance on Dan.

The two very quickly found Chris blocking their path to each other. “Hey guys? Let’s maybe not fight and threaten to stab someone.”

“I want to stab someone.”

The trio winced and turned to face Pinkie who was wearing her button-up white shirt, vest, jeans, and a few bracelets along with her default happy-go-lucky smile. Pinkie had obviously moved onto phase two of her 'so angry at Dan, I could just stab him repeatedly with a chef's knife' mood; the casual mentioning of inflicting violence without as much as an expression change. It was something even Elise found unsettling.

Pinkie bounded over to the group as Dan took a few big steps back.

“Hey Chris!” Pinkie said, giving the big man a big hug.

“Uh…hey Pinkie!” Chris said with a slightly anxious tone.

Pinkie grabbed her bag and looped an arm around Elise’s. “Ready to go?”

Elise pushed past her own unease and smiled. “Sure, Pinkie!”

“Great! We’re off for super-dee-duper fun times!” Pinkie announced throwing an excited fist into the air.

The two walked through the door, out into the warm California night.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief.

In a pink flash, Pinkie popped back into view, poking her head through the door. She leveled narrowed eyes at Dan and quickly pointed at him then the bathroom she had just exited. Slowly, she pulled the finger back towards her and lifted her head up, making a slicing motion over her own neck.

Dan gulped and nodded his head.

Pinkie turned to Chris and gave him a smile and a finger wagging wave then darted out of view.

Chris whistled. “37, huh? That’s pretty impressive considering the apartment seems to be immaculate instead of suffering from a number of jetpack prototype related scorch marks and holes. I keep forgetting this place is actually blue under all the grime.”

“Pinkie worked pretty hard to clean up, today…” Dan explained. “Also, this will be a lot harder to get out of than the day of 18 stabs since I can’t just let her help me with the jetpack…”

“I thought 18 was the day you used all her baked goods to assault the gluten sensitivity group.”

“No, that was 25.” Dan corrected. “She was pretty mad when she found out ‘gluten intolerance’ didn’t mean ‘people who were prejudiced against glutens’.” Dan glanced to the side and added, “… Stupid internet.” He continued, “She forced me to help her make a bunch of gluten-free baked goods to get out of that one…”

“Oh, right…” Chris said. “So what’s she making you do to get out of this one? Must be something pretty major.”

Dan motioned to the recipe book. “She’s making me bake the chocolate cake I destroyed.”

Chris paused. “… Dan…” Chris began to tear up. “… Destroying food is definitely a stab worthy crime… but…” Chris began to get choked up with emotion. “… I’ve never been…sniff…never been so happy to be your friend in my LIFE!” Chris broke into tears of joy.

“… She’s also making me take a shower and brush my teeth.”

Chris wiped away his tears and put on a grin. “Heavens! You’ll lose at least an inch once the layer of filth is cleaned off.”

Dan glared at Chris and placed a well-aimed kick into his larger friend’s shin.

“Ow!” Chris exclaimed, hopping on one foot as he lifted the assaulted appendage.

“This is serious! She’ll probably expect me to use soap…and wash my hair…” Dan thought for a moment... “A HA!” he cried triumphantly. “She just said ‘shower’, she didn’t specify I had to do all that other frou-frou nonsense! Maybe I can just rinse off and finish up with some wet-naps…”

“…Are you sure?” Chris asked with a raised eyebrow.

“…Well…” Dan trailed off.

“37 times sure?” Chris added.

Dan sighed and hung his head, “…but all we have is Pinkie’s girly nonsense stuff.” His lip quivered slightly. “I’m going to smell like some sort of fanciful meadow from the French Alps.” He placed a fist in front of his mouth and puffed his cheeks. “How am I supposed to bake if I’m throwing up every few minutes?”

“Do you still have Elise’s passive aggressive birthday surprise?” Chris asked.

Dan lowered his eyelids slightly. “Yeah. I pull out the box whenever I want to remind myself how much I hate your wife.”

Chris sighed. “You know Elise has a scrapbook where she catalogues all the photos Pinkie has taken of you getting injured or covered in something unpleasant…she’s began adding notes of all the times Pinkie has threatened to stab you, too.” Chris pulled his arms in tight to his chest and held himself as he trembled slightly. “She pulls it out in the middle of the night when she thinks I’m asleep and giggles to herself…it’s really weird.”

Dan’s expression softened and his pupils dilated. “Elise has a misery scrapbook of me? Awww, that’s really terrible…” He said with warmth in his voice.

“I really wish you two didn’t have a relationship built out of mutual dislike,” Chris responded.

“Loathing,” Dan countered. “You make this sound like it’s some sort of middle-school…aversion fling. Elise and I are adults and we conduct ourselves as such”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “Wow umm…I’m not sure I’ve EVER been this uncomfortable in my life…can you go get that box now?”

Dan sighed out as he flung his arms out to his sides. “FINE!” He trudged off to his bedroom, and grabbed a brown box from under his bed. The words ‘Elise’s Passive Aggressive Birthday Surprise’ were written in it in intricate calligraphy that gave the words an Asian feel.

Dan stroked the box fondly. “You can really tell she took her time with this…”

Chris shuddered once more, the thought of his wife and best friend having some sort of hate relationship giving him the heebie-jeebies. “Can we open it?”

“Oh, right…” Dan said. He opened the box to reveal a collection of masculine looking bathing and dental hygiene products. Each item had a message written in the same flowing script that was on the box; 'You Smell', 'Your breath stinks', 'Please use this to evict the colony of tiny creatures that resides in your hair.'

“She even took the time to personalize each one…” Dan said affectionately.

Chris quickly took the box and shoved it into Dan’s arms. “Just…PLEASE go wash up! PLEASE!” he insisted forcefully.

“Right! No time to waste on our detestation relation. I have someone in desperate need of saving…ME!” Dan marched off towards the bathroom. He glanced back at Chris. “Make yourself useful and start prepping ingredients.” Dan narrowed his eyes, “And don’t eat all the ingredients before we’ve had a chance to make the cake.”

Chris saluted. “You can count on me, buddy!”

Dan shut the door to the bathroom.

Chris began looking over the recipe and started grabbing measuring cups, spoons, mixing bowls, etc…

“Ahhhh..! It burrrrrns! It burrrrns us! It freeeeezees!” Dan wailed over the sound of running water.

Chris rolled his eyes and walked over to the bathroom door. “Dan, have you even used the soap yet?”

“I’M GETTING TO IT!” Dan yelled back. “And stop sneaking next to the bathroom! It’s really creepy!”

Chris sighed and walked back towards the kitchen area. He examined the recipe carefully “Hmmmm…4 ounces of chocolate? That can’t be right…”

-oooo-

Dan took several short and shallow breaths as water and perspiration dripped down his face. He eyed the instrument with pinpoint-sized pupils. A long handle that ended in a spiky looking end.

I can’t believe I’m expected to put this in my mouth. It’s unbelievable, barbaric, crueleven…

Slowly, he reached for a cylindrical tube and unscrewed the top. Carefully, he clenched it, a bright green substance squeezing out of it and onto the spikes of the device he eyed before.

That can’t be a natural color…this stuff has got to be irradiated somehow…

Dan slowly raised the toothbrush to his mouth, his hands shaking as the he slowly pressed the firm bristles against his teeth.

Chris paused as he heard a blood curdling scream from the bathroom. He rushed over and knocked on the door. “Dan! Are you alright?!” He asked with concern.

“Nwoo…” Dan groaned. “Erery’ing tases and smells like burming mint!”

Chris shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Dan groaned and wailed as he dragged the toothbrush across his teeth. After a few minutes, he exited the bathroom with a towel across his waist.

Chris gave his friend a few sarcastic claps. “Congratulations. You survived.”

Dan struggled to catch his breath. “How can…how can people subject themselves to that every week?!”

Chris gave his friend a sideways glance. “They don’t. Most people do that every day.”

Dan’s eyes went wide as he collapsed into his easy chair. “Savages…”

“You know…” Chris began, “Pinkie would probably tolerate you more if you just washed up and brushed your teeth more often…”

“Does her evil know no bounds?!” Dan dramatically asked no one in particular.

“Yeah, she’s a real sadist, all right,” Chris said sarcastically. “Could you get dressed? I’ve got everything measured out. Though, it was pretty hard to concentrate through all the screaming.”

Dan got up and trudged to his bedroom. “…You think maybe she’d just stab me fewer times at this point?” He asked hopefully.

“After you threw a cupcake at her clothes?” Chris reminded with a cocked eyebrow.

Dan winced, then walked into his bedroom, closing it behind him.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 20 Pinkie Vs. Melancholy

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. RoommateChapter 20 Pinkie Vs. Melancholy  -oooooo-

Pinkie sighed and poked at her half eaten plate of marinara sauced pasta.

“Still thinking about Dan?” Elise said, looking up from the steak she was cutting.

The two shared a cozy booth in a dimly lit restaurant. From the booth, they could look out a large window into a vast expanse of a parking lot and a mall. The parking lot was quiet, if one discounted all the police cars, ambulances, fire trucks, trucks that were literally on fire, and people rioting.

“No…well…yeah…sorta…” Pinkie admitted.

“I’m amazed you put up with him at all. You have the patience of a saint to share living quarters with that man. Especially in that tiny apartment.” Elise brought a fork full of barely cooked steak into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed.  “I mean…I would have killed him within a week…”

“Erm…sorry Elise, but I’m not sure you’re a great metric here…”

Elise thought about this. “Well…yeah, I mean…I’ve killed for far less than anything Dan’s done to me…or Chris…” Elise leveled her fork in Pinkie’s direction. “…or you.”

“Uh, Elise? You’ve got a little something…” Pinkie rubbed a spot next to her own mouth.

Elise grabbed her napkin and daintily dabbed a little red trickle from the corner of her mouth. “Better?” she asked with a smile.

Pinkie matched the smile. “You got it.” Pinkie’s expression went thoughtful again as she rested her elbow on the table, and her head on her fist. “It’s just…when we go out we have so much fun! Just, the best! I mean…okay…things tend to get destroyed whether we intend for that to happen or not…and sometimes people get hurt… whether we intend for that to happen or not. But I always have such a blast when I go out with him…oh, and I know he has fun, too! You should just hear the laughter that comes out of him when we’re driving away from a restaurant or if we started a fire... or if we’re driving away from a restaurant we accidently set on fire…” Pinkie looked back at Elise. “He does things with me none of my other friends would even dream of doing! Heck, they’d probably try to talk me out of it! Not Dan though.” Pinkie glanced away again and began to speak in a maternal tone, “It’s never… ‘No Pinkie, you can’t fire me out of a cannon at hornets.’, or ‘A burn ward probably isn’t the most appropriate place for a luau, Pinkie.’, and even ‘A missile projectile that explodes with glitter sounds dangerous!’” Pinkie looked back at Elise, and her face shifted to a big smile. “With Dan it’s ‘Wouldn’t using a catapult to lob the hornets’ nest be more effective?’, and ‘I’m concerned we didn’t bring enough lighter fluid for the bon-fire.’...” Pinkie’s eyes went distant for a bit and her smile shifted to one of warm contentment. “’I think we need to adjust the gunpowder to glitter ratio a bit.’…”

Elise blinked a few times, not sure how to respond to what were almost certainly admissions of crimes. “Well…what about these other friends of yours?”

Pinkie sighed as her expression turned glum. “They're in another dimension.” She added sadly.

“Oh…right…” Elise said as she remembered that both Pinkie and Dan seemed to be sold on the idea that Pinkie had come from some sort of pony world…

Pinkie’s face lit up again. “But I can still talk to them! They’ve even met Dan.”

“Uh…really?” Elise answered, not sure what to make of that.

“Yeah!” Pinkie’s smile grew wider. “He even hit it off really well with a couple of them, and I think a few more are coming around to liking him, too!” Pinkie said excitedly.

“Wait…” Elise said, deciding to disregard the other dimension part for a bit. “They’ve met him, and some of them like him?!” Elise asked in a shocked tone.

Pinkie nodded her head vigorously. “Uh-huh! We actually all thought my friend Fluttershy would be terrified of Dan. Ohhhh….but he was so-so-so nice to her! She talked about Dan’s emotional issues with opening up to people, and he helped her with a ‘toxic relationship’ as Dan put it.”  Pinkie closed her eyes and smiled at the memory.

“You’re telling me Dan, the guy who shares an apartment with you, talked about his feelings with a friend of yours and helped her out with her relationship?!” Elise said in disbelief.

“Oh, he was the most helpy-helpfulest-help giver I ever SAW!” Pinkie insisted.

Elise thought about this for a second. “Are you sure it wasn’t just some guy claiming to be Dan who looked a lot like him?” Elise asked with a raised eyebrow, the question an oddly likely explanation.

“Well…” Pinkie thought for a second. “He also kept calling one of my other friends a ‘nerd’ and flipped off a bunny, so I’m pretty sure it was Dan.”

“…Yeah, okay, that sounds like something Dan would do. So…today…” Elise continued.

Pinkie’s excited expression surrendered to her mopey, sad one. “Oh, I don’t know… I guess…” Pinkie paused trying to sort her thoughts out.

“I try to be super nice and friendly with Dan and even make yummy-lactose-free foods for him, but he often makes me feel like I’m intruding in his space at home…”

Elise struggled with telling Pinkie she should consider moving out.

She was just so happy lookingtalking about Dan 30 seconds ago…Also Dan seems to rope Chris into his schemes a lot less now that he can conscript Pinkie to help him…And when he does get Chris involved…

…Wow! I haven’t had to post bail for anyone in about a month!

“Elise?”

“Oh, sorry Pinkie.” Elise smiled, “I was just thinking about how much better things are now that you’re Dan’s friend.”

Pinkie’s eyes lit up, “REALLY?!” She asked excitedly, even tearing up a little.

Elise reached a hand over to her friend’s shoulder, “Really.” She reassured with a warm smile.

“Good.” Pinkie’s eyes went distant and her smile went warm once more. “It seems like almost every day with him turns into an adventure…maybe not always the adventure I wanted…but I’m used to that, too. It’s fun and exciting and maybe a little terrifying at times, but it’s sort of like how things were back at home. Being here with Dan…” Pinkie trailed off for a second and looked back at Elise. “…it makes me less homesick, somehow…” She said as tears welled up behind her eyes.

Elise dwelled on this for a bit.

I’m probably going to regret saying this, but…

“…I think Dan likes you, too.”

“I hope so…”

“No, I think he really does…I just don’t think he really knows how to express it with…well…anybody, really.”

Pinkie pondered this. “Do you think he’ll start being nicer to me?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

“Oh, I’m sure he will if he keeps on fearing you’re going to stab him repeatedly,” Elise said with a chuckle.

Pinkie’s expression went neutral. “Yeah…I just wish I could get through to him without threatening violence against him.”

“Take it from someone who's known Dan for far longer than she cares to remember: violence is often times the only language he understands.”

“Heh…yeah, I guess…”

 A couple of armored SWAT vehicles pulled up, and fully armored SWAT personnel complete with riot shields poured out.  Soon outside was filled with calls from megaphones asking the crowd to disperse, angry cries from rioters, and tear gas.

The two looked out with a detached level of curiosity, then went back to their meals.

“So, what kind of movie do want to see?” Elise asked.

Pinkie looked up to the ceiling with a “Hmmmmmmm…” tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Slasher flick,” she answered simply, looking back.

Elise paused mid-bite. “Pinkie, the last time we all went out to a movie like that, Dan’s and my ears started ringing you and Chris were screaming so loud.”

Pinkie quickly slurped a bunch of pasta, the red marinara sauce splattering up and all over her face. “I know, but I’m in a real mood to see some bloodshed tonight, for some reason,” Pinkie explained simply.

Elise went silent, and finally said, “...Uh, Pinkie? You’ve got a little something…” Elise moved her palm in a circular motion in front of her own face.

Pinkie grabbed her napkin and toweled away the red sauce she had just sprayed over herself. “Better?” She asked with a smile.

Elise matched her smile. “Much,” she answered.

A brick suddenly smashed through the window. A crazed, but otherwise normally dressed man draped his body through the now shattered window and screamed. “ALL IS VANITY!” Before a team of SWAT members wrestled him to the ground. Tear gas began to billow in through the shattered window.

Pinkie sighed and buried her face in both palms. “Just ONCE I’d like to buy several outfits of clothing and not have everyone make a big deal out of it.”

Elise reached into her purse and pulled out a couple of gas masks, handing one to Pinkie. “Here, put this on.”

Pinkie looked surprised. “You keep gas masks in your purse!?” she exclaimed.

“You know, I end up using them with surprising frequency,” Elise said, shrugging with both shoulders and her eyes.

Pinkie smiled. “Elise…I really miss my friends…but I want you to know that you’re all the best people I could ever hope to meet.” Pinkie donned her gas mask and smiled warmly at her friend.

“Thanks Pinkie, you too,” Elise said, smiling back as she put her own mask on.

“Dessert?” Pinkie asked, grabbing a thin menu and holding it up in front of her face plate.

A waiter with tears streaming down his face coughed and fled past the two women, tripping several times as he made his way to the exit. He was followed by the rest of the occupants of the restaurant.

Pinkie sat her menu down. “Or maybe not.”

“There’s a frozen yogurt place down the street. I don’t think it’s been vandalized or set on fire yet.”

Pinkie gasped. “Can I add my own toppings?!”

Elise stood and left a few bills on the table. “Absolutely!” she said with a smile and a nod.

“Yay!” Pinkie said, excitedly cupping her hands together and bringing them up to her mask.

Elise made her way to the exit as Pinkie giddily followed. Together, the two navigated the carnage and made their way back to the blue sedan.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 21 Dan Vs. Cake

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. RoommateChapter 21 Dan Vs. Cake  -oooooo-

“Tasses gwreat!” Chris asserted.

Dan looked down at the dark, dark batter. “Are you sure?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Chris took another spoonful. “Yweah, its awwesome!”

 Dan glared down at the batter.

“Chris, you’ve eaten things that weren’t strictly food.”

“There’s A LOT of things you can eat that aren’t food!” Chris proclaimed.

“ERAHG! You’re a horrible assistant! I have no idea if the batter is actually good or not, because you’ll eat anything evenif it so much reminds you of food!” Dan shouted in frustrated anger.

Chris thought about this. “Yeah, you pretty much got my number there, all right.”

“And I can’t eat it, because it’ll poison me.”

“Well...” Chris began,”… I mean you’d live through eating cake batter. You may not live through being stabbed 37 times.”

“If it’s not right, I’m going to spend the evening getting intimate with the toilet while you basically just screw everything up again!” Dan cried.

“Heeeey! We still don’t know if I screwed it up the first time!” Chris complained.

Dan sighed. “Pack up the batter, frosting, and all the ingredients Chris. I need help from someone I’d hope I’d never be in their debt…"

With a concerned look on his face, Chris wordlessly began collecting the ingredients.

-ooooo-

Chris looked out the passenger side window. “Ninja Dave!?” Chris asked with surprise in his voice. “He’s the one you don’t want to owe a favor to? Dan! We’re here at least once a week! Sometimes he still gives us free cookies just because he’s so happy we were partially responsible for him getting into the cookie business!”

Dan exited the car and looked at Ninja Dave’s cookie shop. A yellow and red building topped with a bitten cookie with a Ninjatō stabbed through it, all illuminated by street lights.

Dan furrowed his brow as determination set on his face. “I have sins I must face…”

“What sins?..DAN! Did you do something to Ninja Dave?!” Chris demanded.

“Oh…I don’t know…only tried to kill him!” Dan said, throwing his hand out into an open, upright palm.

“But…he got over that…and opened the shop. Remember?”

“No, not then…later…I marched right in and tried to take his life!” Dan said, a dead serious look on his face.

“What?! When was this? Was this with Pinkie?” Chris asked in confusion.

“No! We hadn’t even met her yet! Geez, Chris! Don’t you remember anything?!” Dan asked angrily.

Chris ransacked his memory, trying to think of times Dan might have ran afoul of Dave. “…Wait…are you talking about the time he gave you a cold and you tried to beat him with a stick?!” Chris asked, his surprise levels rising.

“Of course! You don’t just forgive a man for something like that!” Dan asserted, index finger pointed to the sky.

“Uh-huh,” Chris said with a touch of sarcasm, lowering his eyelids a bit. “Except Dave did forgive you. He even gave you free cookies for making you sick! After you feebly hit him in the head with a stick, too.”

“Feebly?!” Dan said, insulted. “WHY! The heavens shook! The earth HEAVED as I stuck a deadly blow against my foe's crown.” Dan announced dramatically.

“You could barely lift the stick up over your own head! Then he blocked your next” –Chris air quoted—“’deadly blow’ with a rolling pin and you two collapsed to the floor, too sick to continue!”

“Okay first! Shut up!” Dan leveled an index finger at Chris,“Second…uh…Shut up!” Dan refocused to the building and stood up straight. “It’s time to face my destiny.” He asserted as he walked to the door.

Chris rolled his eyes, “Need backup?” He asked flatly.

“No! I must do this…alone.” Dan said, his voice becoming little more than a whisper. He walked to the door and turned back to Chris.

“Grab the stuff, and…if I don’t make it, tell Pinkie…” Dan trailed off.

Chris looked concerned for a moment. “Yes, Dan?”

Dan pushed through his hesitation. “If I don’t make it…tell Pinkie…tell her that…that I’m going to HAUNT her FOREVER!”

Chris folded his arms. “Somehow, I doubt she’d mind…”

Dan took a deep breath and walked into the cookie shop.

Dave was behind the counter, red t-shirt covered by his apron. With oven mitts on, he opened up an oven and took out a cookie sheet. The shop was immediately filled with the smell of cinnamon and ginger from the gingerbread cookies that Dave had shaped into various martial arts poses.

Dave looked up from his cookie sheet. “Hey, Dan! The usual?” He asked in a friendly tone.

Dan ran around the counter and immediately dropped to his hands and knees. “Forgive me cookie-father! I have wronged you! And now I have no choice but to beg! Beg like a common house cockroach for your forgiveness!  I know I come not in friendship, and that…if you help me…Someday, and that day may never come, you’ll call upon me to…”

“Dude? What are you talking about?” Dave asked with a confused brow, sitting his cookies down to cool. “We’re totally friends.”

Dan stood up. “We…we are?” he asked in confusion.

“I wouldn’t have even got this place if it weren’t for you guys! In fact…” Dave spun around, took off his oven mitts and grabbed a cookie out of the display case. “Here! Have a lactose-free chocolate chip cookie, on the house.”

“Uh…” Dan took the cookie, and took a bite “mmmm”ing to himself.

“SO! You need my help?” Dave’s face went serious, “Do you need me to kill someone?”

“Nwo" Dan answered through a mouthful of cookie, “I—” Dan swallowed the food in his mouth “—I need help baking.”

“Rats!.. I mean good, good…”

Chris walked in with a grunt, carrying a couple mixing bowls, on top of a large, brown box.

Dave smiled and waved. “Hey Chris! You can set that stuff down back here.”

Chris made a few more determined grunts as he trudged over and carefully laid down box, batter, and frosting.

Dave grabbed a high-kicking gingerbread man from the display case. “Here, Chris. Have a ninjabread man.”

Chris gleefully accepted the cookie and devoured it in a couple of quick bites.

“So…” Dave looked down at the mixing bowls. “What are you two trying to make?”

“I have to make a chocolate cake or my roommate is going to stab me 37 times with a chef’s knife,” Dan explained.

“Ouch, Dude…Wait, roommate?”

“Yeah, she’s been here. Girl, pink hair, couldn’t stop moving…or talking if her life depended on it?”

“Oh! That hot girl that’s always hanging off of you? I thought she was your girlfriend.”

“WHAT?! No, don’t be absurd! And…” Dan thought for a second. “Excuse YOU, but Pinkie is not ‘hot’.” Dan insisted with air quotes. “She has an obnoxiously adorable personality that’s attached to a full-figured, attractive body with a cute face.” Dan insisted.

Dave and Chris exchanged glances and broke out into roaring laughter.

“Hahaha…DUDE! You must have it BAD for her!” Dave insisted.

“What?! No, wait…I mean she wears stupid, pink clothes, and she smells nic--GIRLY!”

Dave wiped a tear away from his eye. “Hehe…sure Dan, whatever you say…” He eyed the cake batter suspiciously, grabbed a baking paddle, dipped it in the mixture, and then brought it up to his mouth to give it a taste. This was quickly followed by a “Blech!” and Dave turning to try to spit the taste out of his mouth. “How much chocolate is in this thing?!”

Dan paused, then glared up at Chris. “Chris…did you follow the recipe, exactly!?” he said accusatorily.

Chris nervously looked to the side and said, “Well…I may have added just a bit more chocolate…”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “And when you say ‘little’ you mean…”

“…three times what the book says…”

“Chris, you can’t just play fast and loose with baking!”  Dave insisted. “It’s an exact science!”

“I thought more chocolate meant more flavor!” Chris insisted.

Dave sighed and fished out some of the unsweetened baking chocolate from the box. He broke off a couple of small pieces and handed one to Chris, the other to Dan.

Chris chomped down on his bite. “Tastes great!” he insisted.

Dan eyed him suspiciously, and nibbled on his own. “BLECH!” Dan also tried to spit the taste out of his mouth. “What is this stuff MADE out of, extract of bitterness?!”

“Yeah, chocolate is like that without sugar.” Dave informed.

Chris raised his index finger. “Okay! Well, we’ll just add more sugar…”

“No, dude, you’re not listening!” Dave insisted. “You can’t just go adding and subtracting ingredients! You’ll throw off the whole texture of the cake!”

“What are you trying to do here?!” Dan demanded. “Do you want me to get stabbed?!”

“Hey! What am I, my wife?” Chris asked. His eyes went wide for a second, “Oh…I made myself sad…”

“Look guys…it appears you have everything we need. So, tell you what. I’ll help make the cake, but I need you guys to help me run the shop. Deal?” Ninja Dave proposed.

“Deal!” Dan said as he extended a hand. “Put it there, friend.”

Dave smiled and reached out to the shorter man’s hand and gave it a firm shake.

“Alright,” Dave began, “we’re going to have to start from scratch…wait…Chris, did you put extra chocolate in the frosting, too?”

“Uhhh…”

Dave sighed. “That’s a ‘yes’.”

Dan gave Chris’s arm a solid punch.

“Ow!” Chris exclaimed.

Dave bent down and fished a recipe book out of a cupboard. He flipped through it until he found the recipe he was looking for, then handed the book to Dan. "You're going to start making these."

Dan looked over the recipe for lactose-free chocolate chip cookies. “But…I’ve never baked by myself before!” Dan whined out.

“Well, today you’re going to start! Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on you to make sure you don’t screw up. Just follow the recipe exactly.”

Dan sighed and set the open book out in front of him.

“Who knows...?” Dave continued. “Maybe you can make a few for your girlfriend next time.”

“SHE’S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!” Dan roared.

Dave shook his head with a chuckle. “Maybe she will be when you present her with a plate full of cookies you made yourself.”

Dan grumbled several obscenities under his breath and started checking cupboards for measuring cups.

“What do I get to make?!” Chris asked excitedly.

Dave turned to face him. “You are going to help me make this cake and sell some cookies. I’m not sure I can trust you not to eat everything before we’ve even made it.”

Chris sighed and hung his head. “Yeah, that’s probably a safe bet…”

-ooooo-

“WHY DID YOU LET ME TALK YOU INTO SEEING THAT MOVIE?!” Pinkie screeched as Elise supported her trembling friend by letting Pinkie rest an arm around her shoulders.

“You SAID bloodshed!” Elise insisted.

“Yeah but…” Pinkie trailed off. “Okay, I have no idea what was going through my head at the time, but that was disturbingly horrifyingly-terrifyingly horrible! I’m going to have nightmares for weeks!”

Elise chuckled, Pinkie had been quiet for the first half of the movie, deadly quiet. However, as the carnage and body count of promiscuous teens increased, Pinkie’s killer façade began to melt into the hyperactive, frightened woman Elise was used to seeing at a bloody horror film. Towards the end of the film, Elise and the theatre were treated to a symphony of whimpers, shrieks, screams, and “NO! DON’T GO IN THERE!”s.

Still wide-eyed and dazed, Pinkie asked, “Do you think if I ask really, really, really nicely, Dan will let me sleep in the bed with him for a few days…weeks?”

Elise paused, wondering if Pinkie meant what Elise thought she meant, but remembered that the two had seemingly shared a furniture, pillow, and blanket fort for weeks with probably little more than some one-sided snuggling. “I suppose that depends on if he can survive being stabbed 37 times or not.”

Pinkie stopped walking, removed her arm from around Elise, and used her now free palm to cover her face. “Ulg…I can’t believe I even said that to him…”

“Well, he did push things pretty far this time,” Elise reminded.

“I know, but…”--Pinkie sighed--“I can’t stab Dan. He’s like my bestest friend in the whole wide world!” she insisted, throwing her arms and palms to the side.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine if you just tell him you forgive him.”

“No!” Pinkie insisted. “I have to make it up to him…” Pinkie’s shoulders slumped and she began to pout.

“What’s wrong?” Elise asked, turning to face Pinkie and lowering her head slightly to meet Pinkie’s blue eyes with her violet ones.

Pinkie sighed. “All the shops are closed now…or wrecked…or still smoldering.”

Elise grinned mischievously. “Oh…I think I can help you there…”

-ooo-

Elise held a black clad arm out, causing Pinkie to pause behind her. The parking lot was lit only by moonlight, starlight, and the occasional light from an emergency vehicle or flashlight from a SWAT team member. The air was still heavy with smoke and gas, cutting visibility further. This made getting close to the broken and smoking mall relatively easy, though SWAT personnel still patrolled the grounds, making the mall look like some sort of burnt-out police state.

Pinkie fidgeted nervously. At least Elise had a spare black jumpsuit she could wear, though it fit quite a bit tighter on her body than was comfortable.

Pinkie note: purchase my own sneaking around spy gear…Ooh! With night vision goggles… I can’t believe I didn’t think about it before! It seems like I’m sneaking around every other day here…

Elise was wearing much more loosely-fitting black robes, with the leggings and sleeves secured with black leather wraps. A long red scarf sat around her neck and under her gas mask.

Elise silently motioned to a couple of SWAT members who were standing watch.

Pinkie nodded and held her position.

Elise reached into her robes and produced a small, spherical object. She lobbed it into a nearby overturned mall security car. Soon smoke was billowing out from the broken windows.

The two SWAT members rushed over to investigate, and Elise motioned Pinkie to follow as she quietly rushed towards the mall.

Pinkie followed, the red scarf that flapped and fluttered behind Elise making her rather easy to track at the close range.

Soon the two had arrived at a store which was relatively unscathed aside from the broken windows.

Elise found a window suitably clear of broken glass, placed a hand on the frame, and nimbly swung her body up and over the window into the store, landing on her feet in a crouching position.

Pinkie did the same, minus the agility portion or the landing on her feet portion. She hit the ground with a thud and a startled “Ah!”

Elise quickly got Pinkie to her feet and hid her behind the wall, scanning outside to make sure no one noticed the sound. When it seemed all was clear, Elise pulled out a small flashlight and turned it on, illuminating a store full of games, dolls, stuffed animals, and neatly packaged action figures.

Elise glanced over to her friend. “Where to?”

Pinkie smiled. “Action figures, please!”

Elise scanned the aisles with her flashlight. “Alright, let’s go.”

-ooooo-

“Dan, I know this cake is your ‘salvation’…but if I don’t get a slice, I’m going to be the one who stabs you 37 times!” Chris said through a determined glare.

Dan stood in front of the finished cake, arms and legs spread wide trying to block Chris’s path. Dan gritted his teeth.

That food crazed idiot ate his body weight in cookies and he stillwants more... I guess he did help make it… And he’ll certainly at least attackme to get a slice.

An image of the two fighting until the cake landed on them flashed through Dan’s head. Followed by an image of Pinkie coming home to see the two covered in cake, messing up the pristine apartment. This was followed by the image of a Pinkie with a crazed look in her eye, an ambulance, and a coroner looking over his body while dictating “Cause of death appears to be 37 stab wounds.” into a voice recorder.

Dan sighed, and got out a fork, plate and large knife, cutting a small slice and placing it on the plate.

“That’s it?!” Chris said with equal parts surprise and disappointment.

“Hey! If Pinkie is mad that we cut into the cake before she gets here, I’m pointing her in your direction,” Dan informed irritably.

Chris’s expression and mood shifted immediately. “This will do!” he announced with a nervous smile as Dan handed him the plate.

Dan turned back to the cake with a thoughtful expression.

“Hey monkey face. Start cleaning up when you’re done eating.”

-ooo-

Pinkie waved at the blue sedan and said about her dozenth “Thanks again!” for the night.

Elise waved from the car as Pinkie bounded up towards the apartment, arms full of bulging clothing bags.

Once she got up the stairs, she saw a familiar, tall individual walking towards her.

“Hey Chris!” She said, stepping to the side to allowing him to pass. “You two do alright?” She asked.

“Hey Pinkie. You’ll just have to see for yourself.” Chris said with a smile.

Pinkie made an excited “Eeee!” sound as she bounded to the apartment. She dropped a few bags, threw open the door, and entered with an excited “Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! WHaaaa…” as she slipped on the still moist floor, crashing to the ground. The hard impact caused the flour in the cupboard to teeter forward; it landed directly on the chocolate cake, exploding brown chocolate frosting, cake, and flour all over the kitchen area. Pinkie tried to scramble to her feet, reaching for the oven, grabbing two knobs and accidently turning on the gas on two burners as her hands felt for a hand hold to lift her up. As she raised her body up, she shifted her palms on the knobs to 'ignite' causing the fresh layer of flammable flour to flame up in front of her.

Pinkie fell backwards into her bags of clothes and attempted to process the fiery blaze in front of her.

In a matter of seconds, she heard the sound of a fire extinguisher going off, quenching the flames.

Dan walked over to the stove and turned both knobs to the 'Off' position.

Pinkie dove into one of the bags and held a rectangular object in front of her, screaming “Not in the face!” hoping the item would shield her from Dan’s oncoming wrath. She felt the item being gently pushed aside with an index finger and her fearful, sky-blue eyes looked into the surprisingly calm, emerald-green eyes of her roommate’s.

“Is this a deluxe edition Population Control Johnny action figure complete with machine gun, chain-saw, and hack-saw?” Dan asked in an even tone.

Fear still plastered on her face, Pinkie forced a smile and nodded with an affirmative “Ummm-hmmm!”

“For me?” Dan asked hopefully.

Pinkie nodded with more vigor and added, “Ummm-hmmm! Ummm-hmmm!”

Dan smiled warmly and held out a hand, helping Pinkie to her feet.

“How’d you get to the fire extinguisher so fast?” Pinkie asked.

“Monkey face spilled a bucket of water while he was cleaning up. I figured you slipping and making a fiery mess somehow was less a possibility and more an inevitability,” Dan explained.

Pinkie whimpered and her lower lip quivered as she examined the chocolate cake that was now sitting under several pounds of scorched flour.

Dan walked over to the fridge and produced a plate, and held it out in front of his roommate’s face.

Pinkie gasped at the fork, large slice of chocolate cake, and cookie sitting on top of the plate. She turned to Dan as tears welled up behind her eyes. “You…you…saved me a slice?”

Dan smiled and shrugged. “Like I said, I knew you’d make a mess of things.”

Pinkie’s mouth exploded into a toothy smile that made an audible 'squee' sound. She took the fork, dug into the cake, and took a large bite of cake and frosting into her mouth. Her pupils dilated as she announced “Perfect!” She leaned down and planted a peck on the cheek of her roommate.

Dan recoiled slightly and rubbed a hand over his cheek, turning his hand to show Pinkie had also planted some, toxic in Dan’s eyes, cake and frosting on him.

“Whoops! Let me get that for you…” Pinkie set her plate down, produced a small handkerchief from her pocket, spit into it, and began rubbing the chocolate off of Dan’s face.

“Eww! EWW!” Dan protested. “What is it with you and sharing body fluids with me?!”

Pinkie gave Dan a wry grin.

“NO! Wait! I didn’t mean it like that!” Dan insisted as he waved his arms out in front of him.

Pinkie smiled and looked at the cookie, taking it into her hand. She examined it carefully and her eyes went wide and she inhaled a large volume of air. “Dan, did you make this?!” she asked in a shocked tone.

Dan smiled proudly. “Yep…well…Ninja Dave helped…a little.”

Pinkie gave her roomie a knowing grin. “I take it he helped with the cake, too.”

Dan sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “More like made the whole thing while Chris bumbled around and I made cookies…”

Pinkie took several bites and quickly devoured the cookie with an excited “Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!”

“Dan, this is sooooo good!” Pinkie cooed.

Dan just smiled.

Soon Pinkie had finished her cake slice as well. Her happy expression quickly fell as she examined the kitchen and realized it was a burnt, chocolaty mess, still covered with flour in many places. She gave an exasperated sigh and turned to her roommate. “Bail?” She asked, grabbing her pink bag.

Dan nodded. “Bail.” he replied, snagging his car keys from the counter.

The two made their way to the door, Pinkie looping an arm around her roommate’s as the two exited into the slowly cooling California night.

Pinkie leaned in close and gave her roomie a good sniff. “You smell, nice.” She said with a smile.

“You smell like…” Dan took a big sniff “…tear gas?”

Pinkie laughed nervously. “I had a lot of clothes to replace…”

“Yeah…sorry about that…” Dan said. “Though, now I’m moresorry I didn’t go to the mall with you…”

“It was only fun if you like riots.”

Dan shrugged. “Who doesn’t enjoy a good riot?”

“Err…Dan?..” Pinkie began tentatively.

“Hmmmm?” Dan replied.

“Erm…can I share the bed with you for a few days…weeks?” Pinkie asked hopefully, fluttering eyelids at her roommate.

Dan sighed. “What is it this time…”

“Elise and I kinda saw a scary movie…”

Dan grumbled under his breath. Great... days if not *weeks** of sharing the bed with a fidgety, whimpering Pinkie Pie who's going to us me as some sort of comfort teddy bear.* “Fine!” Dan said irritably. “But I get the side next to the wall. Falling out of the bed hurts.”

Pinkie gave a short and victorious “Yay!” Then followed up with, “You’re the bestest, most awesomest guy ever, Dan!”

Dan smiled smugly. “Yeah, I know…”

Pinkie released Dan as he unlocked first passenger side, than driver side doors.

“Where to?” Dan asked as the roommates synchronized getting into the car and buckling up.

Pinkie put an index finger to her chin. “Hmmm…Not much is open this late…”

Dan grinned evilly. “Lenny’s is always open…” he suggested.

“Reeeaaaally?..” Pinkie purred in response with a sly grin.

Dan’s grin widened. “Baby, You, me, a turkey sandwich, a late breakfast, and maybe a big plate of French toast… I keep wondering if we can shape the slices into boomerangs so they’ll arc back when thrown at an angle…”

Pinkie gasped. “That’s brilliant! Dan, we HAVE to make that happen!”

“Iknowright?!” Dan responded.

The red hatchback sped off down the street, approaching what was most certainly going to be more food based mayhem.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 22 Dan Vs. Groceries

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. RoommateChapter 22 Dan Vs. Groceries-ooooooo-

Dan stirred from under the bed covers and sat up, groggily coming to his senses. The bright California sun was shooting into his bedroom in bright strips of light through the space between his window blinds.

Once again, he was surprised to find the other half of the bed empty. Especially since his roommate had spent the night next to him tossing, whimpering, and waking him up to explain in gory detail the gruesome murder she got to play victim in in her nightmare for the seventh night in a row.

“…Pinkie?” He called out tentatively, sure the bathroom door would fly open and he’d be tackle-glomped again.

“Meow” was the only reply as Mr. Mumbles trotted into view and jumped on the bed, a note of some sort carried in the mangy grey cat’s mouth.

Dan took the note and absentmindedly stroked Mr. Mumbles as he read it. Elck... She wrote it in her pink glitter Pen of course, and even dotted each 'i' with a ridiculous heart. At least it's legible, I wonder how much time she had to put in to accomplish *that** herculean feat.*

'To the bestest, most super, roommate in the whole wide world,

Went grocery shopping.

Love,

Pinkie Pie

P.S. Take a shower and brush your teeth, OK?'

And of course that last sentence warranted another giant, gaudy heart. Well, at least she didn’t draw a knife through it…

…

Just my luck I’d end up sharing living space with the only person on the planet who’s capable of threatening potentially lethal violence one moment and at the mercy of a cheesy slasher-flick the next…

Dan looked towards the bedroom entrance, which was kitty-corner from the bathroom entrance, and sighed. Well, she hasn't threatened me recently, but she seems to take sadistic glee in playing a doting mother... I mean... I think that's what she's doing. Mom never cared what I did so long as I was chained up for the most part... Still it's either wash up or have her threaten to do it for me. And if I avoid brushing my teeth she's going to stand behind me and physically assult my mouth with that painfully spiky brush and burning mint-flavored toothpaste.

…I could just escape the apartment for the day…of course, she’d probably just make me shower and brush my teeth when I get back. And I have been missing lots of high quality TV with all this trying to avoiding her…

Dan grumbled irritably to himself. I can't *believe** she's somehow made torturing myself in the bathroom the sensible decision!* He walked over to his dresser and nabbed a change of boxers, some socks, a black “JERK” shirt, and jeans.

-ooooo-

Dan opened the bathroom door and stepped out into what was essentially the living room of the tiny apartment. His breath was still shallow from the self-inflicted torture of removing plaque. Perspiration and water from his still damp hair covered his face and dampened the collar of his shirt a bit.

He looked up to notice Pinkie had returned and was grinning widely at him.

Dan scowled at back at her, recognizing Pinkie's smile as a mixture of happiness and amusement.

Pinkie was dressed in her red, floral shirt, rolled up denim shorts, and light pink flats with a set of two blue and one yellow balloon per shoe. She stood in the kitchen next to an open brown bag and a couple more that had been neatly folded and set to the side.

Pinkie giggled to herself as she poured herself a rainbow assortment of 'Fruity Circles' into a plastic bowl from a red cereal box, “Congratulations on surviving the deadly medley of shower gel and toothpaste. Thanks for not making me force good sanitation habits on you, today,” she said closing her eyes and smiling warmly.

Dan shot her a glare. “How can I force you to clean me?” he demanded. “Your bizarre compulsion to get me to smell like I was assaulted by a minty sandalwood plant elemental is hardly my fault.”

“Err…sorry.” Pinkie said, her expression going a bit more serious. “I really meant it…thank you,” she said with wide, honest skyblue eyes.

“Whatever,” Dan said dismissively, walking over to the fridge. “What you get?”

“Oooo! Oooo! I got a cantaloupe, watermelon, some oranges, apples, lettuce, milk, cheese…”

“You stocked my fridge with poison and unnecessary food groups?!” Dan said as he threw his arms out to the side.

 “I’m pretty sure fruits and vegetables are necessary if you don’t want to die of malnutrition, somehow,” Pinkie responded, putting a ponderous index finger on her chin as she looked towards the ceiling.

“Well, maybe I do want to die of malnutrition!” Dan said, folding his arms.

Pinkie put a pout on her face. “What if I don’t want you to die of malnutrition?”

“You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met, you know that?”

Pinkie frowned and sighed. I guess forcing Dan to eat something besides a vegetable free hamburger or turkey sandwich is something I'll have to do today...

Dan opened the fridge and began taking stock of the various items Pinkie had just stocked it with. “WHAT IS THIS TREACHERY?!” He demanded, pulling out a light green stalk with equally green branches and darker green flower heads.

“That treachery is also known as ‘Broccoli’,” Pinkie answered, casually pointing at the green item in Dan’s hand.

“You know how I feel about broccoli!”

“I know you created and were almost eaten by a giant broccoli monster. I figured this could be your way of getting revenge on broccoli kind,” Pinkie explained with a smile.

“Oh, no! I won’t have you trick me into eating empty calories by appealing to my sense of justice.”

“Danny, I’m pretty surey broccoli is likey the completely opposity thingy of empty calories…ees.”

“DON’T CALL ME ‘DANNY’! Also, broccoli is highly triggering for me. I mean it. I’m triggered. You triggered me Pinkie. Way to go.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Yes, I can see that…”

“DON’T YOU DARE MAKE LIGHT OF MY TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE!”

Pinkie motioned out to Dan. “Dan, your life is a series of traumatizing experiences!" She motioned to herself. "MY LIFE is now a series of traumatizing experiences! I…” Pinkie stopped, extended her arm, and took a deep breath.

Maybe a different stratagem will work…

“Dan, please eat some broccoli, for me?” she asked. She fluttered her eyelashes, puffed out her lips, and looked at Dan with wide, sad-looking sky-blue eyes.

“I’ll eat it if you agree to eat some meat,” Dan said, finally smiling, but not the type of smile Pinkie was hoping for.

Pinkie’s shoulders slumped and her expression changed to a defeated look. “Dan…you know I’m still working out my feelings on that.”

Dan shrugged, sly grin still coating his face. “If you’re going to cut a food group out of your diet, I don’t see how you can expect me to live up to some ridiculously high standard you yourself won’t abide by,” Dan said smugly.

Pinkie brought both palms up to her temples and ruffled her hair in frustration. “Fine! Don’t eat the stupid broccoli! I’ll eat it.”

“No! I don’t even want this thing in the apartment!” Dan declared. He quickly opened the door to the apartment and lobbed the broccoli outside, nailing a cyclist in the face and causing said cyclist to lose control of his bike and crash into a red hatchback.

“My car!” Dan exclaimed. He wheeled around on Pinkie, accusatory finger at the ready. “YOU DID THIS!”

Pinkie put her forearms up and held up open palms as she rolled her eyes. “Yes Dan, you caught me. Buying broccoli was an elaborate ploy to have an irritating fight with you complete with you assailing a bicyclist with a vegetable so he would crash into your car,” she answered sarcastically.

Dan furrowed his brow angrily at his roommate. He took note of the bowl of dry cereal she had set down next to her. Reaching back into the fridge, he grabbed a full gallon carton of milk.

“Dan! Don’t…” Pinkie began to plead.

Without any hesitation, Dan lobbed 8 pounds of milky, plastic wrapped projectile out into the street, hitting a second cyclist that had stopped to check on the first and knocking both cyclist and bike into the car while exploding milk over the pair and red hatchback.

“What’s with all the cyclists around here?” Dan asked irritably. “Don’t they know this is a dangerous neighborhood?”   He paused and his eyes widened slightly as he heard a “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr**…” that was slowly rising in volume.

He turned to see his roommate fixing him with a glare.

Expecting her to utter a number, Pinkie fished out a small, plastic bottle of two percent milk from the brown bag next to her instead. “Luckily, I had prepared for the possibility of a Dan level temper-tantrum.”

“Don’t you pour that milk!” Dan demanded, violently pointing at the offending bottle.

Pinkie grinned mischievously. “You mean…this milk?” Pinkie unscrewed the top of the bottle. Holding the bottle in one hand she bit down on the foil seal and held it over the bowl.

“Don’t you dare pour that milk!” Dan closed the door to the apartment and took a few steps closer to his roommate.

“Oh…I’m pouring.” Pinkie said as she tipped the bottle slightly.

“Pinkie! Don’t…”

Without hesitation, Pinkie poured 8 ounces of milky liquid onto her cereal.

Dan uttered an irritated “Gah!” and held his hands up in angry claws at face level.

Pinkie giggled to herself and looked back to the bowl of cereal. Her smile fell as she realized she was missing something.

Dan’s evil, toothy grin surfaced as he patted the flatware drawer next to him.

Pinkie lifted the cereal bowl and raised it to her determined looking face.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t.”

“I used to devour entire collections of cakes without a fork in sight.” Pinkie grinned slyly. “Do you reeeeaally think I’m scared of getting a little milk on my face?” she purred.

“Pinkie, if you put that cereal in your mouth, I will attack,” Dan said. He resolutely added, “I bite.”

“Oooooh…bet you don’t bite as hard as meeee~.” Pinkie responded in a sing-song tone.

Dan focused his emerald eyes on his roommate’s sky-blue ones.

Pinkie’s teeth gritted.

The two roomies had a tense sta--

Pinkie buried her face in the bowl and began devouring cereal with an audible “Om-nom-nom-nommy-nom-nommy-nom-nom.” Getting cereal and milk everywhere.

Dan gave off an angry roar and charged his roommate. He was short but scrappy while his roommate was a bit taller... and equally scrappy.

One tackle later: Dan, Pinkie, and moist cereal were a heap on the floor.

Dan immediately brought his milk soaked body to its feet. “Ghaaaaaaaaaa! *Unclean!***” He announced, running towards the bathroom.

“Dan, wait!” Pinkie called out after him. “I didn’t want to…”

SLAM

“… fight.” Pinkie finished softly.

The sound of the shower running emanated from the bathroom.

Mr. Mumbles bounded up to the mess on the kitchen and began lapping up milk.

Pinkie sighed and surveyed the damage. Her shirt and shorts were covered in milk and cereal, as was the kitchen. It would go down in apartment history as one of the cleanest battles the two had ever fought.

Dan threw open the door and emerged, fully clothed and sopping wet. He angrily trudged towards the apartment door.

“Dan! Stop! At least let me…”

SLAM

“…say ‘sorry’,” Pinkie finished softly.

“Mew?” Mr. Mumbles said, looking up at Pinkie Pie with large, green and black eyes.

Pinkie sighed and bent down to take the cat into her arms; Mr. Mumbles purred in response.

“He’ll come around,” she assured to herself as much as to Mr. Mumbles.

Mr. Mumbles licked at the milk on Pinkie’s face in response.

Pinkie giggled as the rough cat tongue dragged across her cheek.

She thought back on something Dan said earlier.

“Meat, eh?” she said to herself. “I wonder if Twilight…”

-ooo-

Dan ran towards the stairs, slipping on his wet socks as he descended, and tumbling half a dozen steps before landing hard on the concrete below.

He raised to his feet, balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“ROOOOOOOOMMAAAAAAAATE!”
Dan Vs.
Roommate

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 23 Dan Vs. Planning

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. RoommateChapter 23 Dan Vs. Planning-ooooooo-

Dan parked his red hatchback and stepped out towards the red roofed, adobe house of Chris and Elise. The short drive in the bright Southern California day having dried his clothes only slightly, leaving him still rather soaked. He quickly exited his car, stormed up the walkway, threw open the door, and announced, “Enough is enough! I want her out!” to a collection of furniture that was obscured by a number of blankets and sheets suspended from the ceiling.

Dan paused as he examined the structure inside a structure in front of him.

“Want who out?” A male voice called out. “Elise? She kinda lives here.”

“Hey, what animals you choose to keep in your house is your business!” Dan replied.

"I heard that!" Elise called back in a warning tone.

“GOOD!”  Dan retorted “… Look Chris! Can you come out here? I need ideas…and bees.”

“…”

“Mostly bees.”

One of the blankets was pushed aside to reveal Chris’s smiling face. “Why don’t you come in here?”

Dan gave an exasperated “Fine!” and trudged into the furniture/bedspread structure.

“Hi, Dan,” Elise said from the blue couch with a small smile from behind a cup of steaming tea. “… What are you drenched with?” she asked, examining the short man as her face went neutral.

“Water. What does it matter?”

“Well, you often end up covered in something unpleasant, and I’d rather not have to clean anything just because you stopped by,” Elise explained.

“Sorry!” Dan answered snidely. “Wouldn’t want to mess up your… whatever all this is!”

“It’s Fort Chrilise! Isn’t it awesome?” Chris asked enthusiastically.

“First of all, it looks more like a tent. Second of all, ‘Chrislise’? That’s the best you could come up with?!” Dan asked, throwing his hands out.

“Right, because ‘Fort Dan Pie’ was a stroke of genius,” Chris responded, rolling his eyes.

Dan glanced at Elise. “I can’t believe you actually agreed to this!”

Elise smiled again and shrugged. “It was fun! And it’s kinda cozy in here,” she said, fondly regarding her surroundings. She took a small sip of tea. “Anyhow… why do you need bees?”

“I already told you!” Dan insisted.

Elise creased her brow. “I don’t think you did.”

“Chris, couldn’t you have married someone who pays attention? Or better yet, not have gotten married at all?”

Elise sighed. “Thank goodness you reminded me what you’re like when Pinkie’s not around. I was beginning to think you were tolerable…wait…” Elise's face changed to a worried look.

Chris smacked a palm on his face. “Dan, don’t tell me you’re planning to unleash bees on Pinkie.”

“Okay…I won’t tell you that,” Dan said with a shrug.

“DAN!” Elise said sternly. “If you hurt her, I’ll see to it personally that you’re rendered incapable of harming another person again.”

“I’m sorry, was a vague threat supposed to scare me?” Dan asked.

Elise cocked her head slightly. “I can get graphic.”

“Dan,” Chris began, “there are a number of reasons why attacking Pinkie with bees is a bad idea.”

Dan paused, “I’m listening…”

“A...”

“You said ‘number’, that was a letter,” Dan interrupted.

Chris ignored him and continued, “Attacking Pinkie with bees definitely violates the ‘Dan shall not physically harm Pinkie Pie directly or indirectly’ agreement.”

 “Oh, come ON! She’s not allergic…probably…” Dan said, rubbing his chin. “She’d be fine…eventually,” he insisted.

“B…”

“Puns aren’t funny, Chris,” Dan replied.

“FINE! 2…”

“Wait, now you’re mixing letters and numbers. Can we start over?”

Chris uttered a frustrated “Gah!” and resorted to listing things on his fingers. Holding up two, he continued, “Gathering bees means a high probability of the gatherer being stung.”

Dan smiled. “That’s why I have you, buddy.”

Chris narrowed his eyes and held up a third finger. “I’m not doing it.”

“Fine! More honey for me,” Dan replied.

Chris paused.

“CHRIS!” Elise called out. “We have honey.”

“Oh, right…” Chris held up a fourth finger. “She might retaliate…violently.”

Dan went silent. He’s got a point…and so does Pinkie. Except her point is at the end of 8 inches of sharp metal…

Chris held up a fifth finger. “Finally, she’s probably the only person on the planet who might anticipate you attacking her with bees and have a beekeeper's suit at the ready.”

“I…" Dan trailed off as he considered this. "Okay, that’s also a pretty valid point,” Dan admitted.

“So, no bees?” Chris asked with raised eyebrows.

“Let’s just call it Plan ‘B’,” Dan said chuckling to himself.

Chris folded his arms, pursed his lips grumpily, and rolled his eyes.

“Why do you even want to attack Pinkie with bees, anyhow?” Elise asked with a  knitted brow.

Dan turned to her. “This last week at the apartment has been a living nightmare!” he asserted.

Elise sipped her tea. “For you, or Pinkie?” she asked with a smile.

Dan shot her a glare. “I’ll have you know she’s subjected me to daily tortures!”

Elise and Chris glanced at each other, both remembering that Dan had a tendency to push Pinkie into a rather dark place.

“What kind of tortures?” Chris asked, with a hint of skepticism.

-ooooooo-<

Pinkie pushed her roommate into the bathroom. “You’re having a shower and that’s FINAL!” She shrieked as she closed the door behind Dan.

“I already told you, I smell fine!” Dan shouted through the hollow core door.

“And I already told you that you smell like plot!” Pinkie shot back.

“.... What?” Dan replied.

“YOU HEARD ME!” Pinkie decreed.

“Well, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I understood you…”

“Start cleaning yourself, or I’m coming in there to do it for you!” Pinkie threatened.

“You wouldn’t…”

“Try me,” Pinkie purred, a mischievous grin spreading across her face.

The sound of running water was heard from the bathroom, followed quickly by labored moans.

“…Dan, have you even stepped into the shower yet?”

“I’M GETTING TO IT!”

-ooooooo-

Dan wailed and whimpered as Pinkie stood behind him, running a toothbrush over his teeth.

“You know,” Pinkie began, “We’d be done already if you just sat still. And this would go a lot quicker if you just did it yourself…”

Dan swatted the offending brush out of his mouth, “Ah-HA! So that’s your game! You’re trying to condition me into performing this tortuous act on myself!” Dan said accusingly. “Well, I won’t be your dog anymore, Pavlov!” Dan made a quick dive for the bathroom door as Pinkie casually reached out and snagged the collar on his shirt, pulling him back into position between her and the sink for the umpteenth time.

Dan stared irritably at her reflection in the mirror in front of him.

“Now say, ‘ah’,” Pinkie said, holding the brush in front of Dan’s face.

Dan sighed, rolled his eyes, opened his mouth, and continued his wailing and whimpering as Pinkie continued to brush his teeth.

-ooooooo-

“WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?!” Dan demanded, angrily motioning to the bowl in front of him.

“Fruit salad,” Pinkie said nonchalantly.

“Wow! You’ve managed to create the opposite of high concept! You’ve combined two things that no one likes and…”

Pinkie quickly scooped a spoonful of soft, chopped fruits and deposited them into Dan’s open mouth.

“GHAK!” Dan swallowed the soft material and immediately began coughing and making choking noises.

“I…I’ve never felt so violated in my LIFE!” Dan’s expression contorted into fury and he turned to face his foe who had forced fruit inside his face. “How DARE…”

Pinkie inserted another spoonful of fruit into Dan’s mouth, causing Dan to go through another round of coughing and choking.

Dan began to tear up a bit. “Just…sob…just stop…you’re evil…and cruel…and…” Dan quickly found speaking difficult as Pinkie shoveled more fruit into his mouth.

-ooooooo-<

Dan looked back and forth between Chris and Elise with large, sad eyes. Hoping for some amount of sympat…

Chris and Elise broke into fits of laughter.

“I knew you two sadists would take her side!”

“Dan…” Chris began, in between giggles, “… hehe…Forcing good hygiene and... heh… dietary habits on you hardly counts as torture.”

“Oh yeah! Well I’m also forced to deal with her cluelessness on a daily basis.”

-ooooooo-<

Dan leaned against his car and absentmindedly watched the numbers on a gas pump tick upwards. This was followed by a loud ‘click’ as the numbers stopped. He grabbed the gas nozzle, removed it from his car, and sat it back on its gas-pump perch. He glanced up at the gas station.

What is taking that girl so…

Suddenly, the door to the station flew open and Pinkie sprinted back to the car.

“Pinkie? Wha…”

“THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!” Pinkie cried as others also fled the gas station. “GET IN THE CAR AND LET’S GO, GO, GO!”

Being an expert at fleeing potentially dangerous or illegal situations, Dan quickly entered the car, buckled up, and started the engine.

Pinkie, likewise, entered and buckled up as Dan put the car into drive and raced away from the pumps.

“Now, do you mind explaining to me what that was…” Dan was cut off by the sound of multiple explosions. He looked into his rear view mirror to see the gas station engulfed in flames.

Surprise quickly seized Dan’s expression as he turned to his passenger, who was sporting a large, nervous grin.

“So ummm…You know how they say ‘you learn something new every day'?’” Pinkie asked.

“That is a phrase I’m familiar with, yes.” Dan replied.

“Well…today I learned you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave,” Pinkie said, maintaining her nervous grin.

There was an audible ‘smack’ as Dan brought his palm up to his face.

-ooooooo-

“Oh! Oh! Can I visit the animals?” Pinkie asked excitedly, bouncing up and down.

Dan grabbed a shopping basket and starting walking towards the section in the pet shop marked 'Cats'. “Go nuts,” he replied in a bored tone.

Pinkie flashed a toothy smile and cupped her hands together, raising them to her chin as she bounded off into the store.

Dan followed her with his eyes for a bit, shrugged, and continued walking towards the cat food aisle.

Pinkie approached a glass terrarium full of white mice. She glanced to her right, then left, leaned down close to the case, and putting a hand up to help muffle the sound, and said, “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will.”

One of the white mice looked up and blinked in rapid succession.

-o-

 “Let’s see…that’ll be $23.75,” The store clerk read out, placing the last can of cat food into a sturdy-looking plastic bag.

Dan took out his wallet and counted the bills inside. Frowning, he looked up and called out, “Hey, Pinkie! Can I borrow--.”

Pinkie dashed into sight, followed by a menagerie of mice, ferrets, birds, lizards, and all manner of pet shop animals. “RUN DAN! Animal Prison break! FREEDOM FOREVER!”  Pinkie declared, throwing both fists into the air as she made her way to the door.

“But I haven’t paid!” Dan protested. Oh wait, I rather not pay anyhow...

“NO DAN! Don’t support their totalitarian regime! We must strike against the oppressive animal aristocracy!” Pinkie announced as she held open the door for the myriad recently freed animals.

The shocked store clerk had no time to react as Dan reached for the bag full of canned cat food and clubbed the unsuspecting shop worker with the heavy bag of metal encased meat products across the head.

Pinkie continued to hold open the door as Dan ran past with his bag of cat food cans. “Vive la révolution!” She shouted into the store, slamming the door behind her.

-ooooooo-

Pinkie stood in front of a large, rectangular object as tears began to form in her eyes. Her sad face reflected back at her as she looked past the glass at various chips, candy bars, and other snack items arranged in neat rows.

Dan took note of his roommate’s troubled expression. Dan gave her an exasperated, “What is it now?”

Pinkie pointed at the object in front of her and sobbed out, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS!”

Dan blinked a few times. “It’s a vending machine.” He reached into his pockets. “Here, I think I have…”

Pinkie snapped her fingers. “I got it! Metal Piñata!” She was gone in a pink flash, and back just as quickly with her pink crowbar, wearing a blindfold.

For one brief, shining second, Dan’s world was replaced with the sound of shattering glass, a pink crowbar, and the beautiful pink angel wielding it.

-ooooooo-<

Dan stood  motionless as his mouth hung ajar; His eyes were distant and glazed. His open mouth combined with his stare made it seem as he was in a catatonic, yet mildly euphoric state.

“Uhhh… Dan?” Elise asked.

Dan snapped out of his stupor. “Sorry, I went somewhere for a moment there…”

Chris eyes widened slightly. “So that’s why there were so many candy bars, packages of chips, and trail mix at the last Pinkie party,” he said with an index finger pointed upwards in an 'Ah-ha!' fashion.

Elise regarded Dan with a raised eyebrow. “Really? Pinkie vandalized a vending machine without figuring out what it was first?”

“In her defense,” Dan began, “I did give her a 5-hour energy shot.”

Chris and Elise exchanged shocked expressions.

“Dan! Why would you even think to give her one of those?” Elise demanded.

Dan shrugged. “I had a vendetta against the Van Nuys Airport! I didn’t think I’d get away with bringing explosives. I figured hyping up Pinkie on chemicals was the next best thing.”

Chris paused. “So that’s why they had to shut down the airport for a few days.” He said with an index finger pointed upwards in an 'Ah-ha!' fashion.

Elise knitted her brow. “Dan, can I see your list?”

Dan pulled out a slightly soggy notepad and handed it to Elise.

Chris sat down next to his wife as she flipped open a few pages. As usual, the notepad was full of random names, things, and esoteric concepts. What was unusual was most were crossed out, some crossed out with pink glitter pen complete with hearts, balloons, and a cheerful looking pony with curly hair doodled in the margins.

Elise and Chris exchanged another worried glance as Elise slowly handed the list back to Dan.

“Do you have any examples of things Pinkie has done that aren’t just things you would have done if you thought of them first?” Elise asked from behind her tea cup.

Dan went silent as he thought about this. “Not as such, no…” he admitted. “What’s your point?”

Elise shrugged. “I think living with Pinkie is really good for you!.. If really bad for everyone else…” Elise said, glancing to the side for a second.

“But, but…” Dan whined, “I used to make giant feasts of meat without having to listen to crying! And sit around in my boxers all day! And even blast music as loud as I want!”

“Gee Dan,” Elise responded, “I’m surprised you just don’t pick up your bad habits again and drive Pinkie out.”

Dan’s jaw dropped. “That’s a great idea! Thanks Elise!”

Elise’s eyes went wide, and she extended a hand out to signify 'stop'. “No wait, I--”

Dan was out of the furniture/blanket fort, and out of the house in a flash.

Elise’s hand dropped along with her expression.

“Oh, come on!” Chris said with a frustrated tone.

Elise sighed. “I know…”

“Whenever I come up with an idea, it’s ‘Glad I thought of it, Chris!’” Chris motioned to Elise with both hands. “But when you do it, it’s ‘Thanks Elise!’ Unbelievable!” Chris said, motioning to the sheet ceiling above him with an irritated expression.

Elise sighed as she brought her free palm up to her face.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 24 Pinkie Vs. Meat Redux

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. RoommateChapter 24 Pinkie Vs. Meat Redux-ooooooo-

Pinkie sat on Dan's bed as the warm rays of the sun shined in from a a nearby window. Though, the bed, as well as the room, being 'Dan's' was a distinction that had began to blur as Pinkie now spent her nights sleeping in the bed next to Dan. Additionally, the closest was full of her colorful clothing. Pinkie attention also meant the room was currently clean by normal standards, those standards being Dan's clothing, in states ranging from 'mostly clean' to 'mostly horrifying', lying in heaps all over the floor.

Pinkie had changed into her white raglan with blue sleeves and the heart on the center, pink skirt with balloons to match her cutie mark, and a light purple ribbon around her waist. Her feet clothed in socks dangled over the side of the bed.

Pinkie swallowed as she held her closed pink compact mirror in her hand. Well…if anypony can help me here, it’s Twilight…

Pinkie took a deep breath and opened the mirror. “Twilight?” She asked tentatively.

Twilight looked up from the collection of books spread out in front of her.  “Oh! Hi Pinkie. What’s up?”

“Um…is Spike with you?” Pinkie asked.

Pinkie saw a purple claw wave at her from the side, followed by the rest of the baby dragon. “Hey Pinkie! What’s the haps?”

Pinkie smiled weakly. “Hi Spike…erm…is it just the two of you there?”

“Uh, yes Pinkie.” Twilight answered. She cocked her head slightly. “Do you need me to get somepony else?”

Pinkie waved her free hand back in forth in front of the mirror. “No, no, no, no, no, no. It’s just you two I want to talk to.”

Twilight and Spike exchanged confused glances.

“Sure Pinkie, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked.

“Can I ask you two a kinda personal question?” Pinkie asked, her normal happy-go-lucky expression replaced with a serious one.

Twilight and Spike exchanged concerned looks.

“Uh….sure Pinkie…” Twilight said with a little apprehension in her voice.

“Do you two ever have trouble…sharing a house, together?”

Spike and Twilight’s expression softened to relief.

“Trouble with, Dan, huh?” Twilight guessed.

 Pinkie sighed. “Yeah…”

“Why am I not surprised?” Twilight said with a smile, glancing up for a second.

“It’s just…well, when we’re out together we have so much fun, but when we’re at the apartment it seems like we’re fighting most the time…Does that ever happen with you two?”

“It might if Twilight could look up from her books for even two seconds to talk to me,” Spike said with a mischievous grin.

“Hey!” Twilight said, matching the grin. “At least I don’t commandeer the bath for hours at a time.”

“Heh. I’m surprised you even noticed.” Spike responded, his grin widening. “Did you schedule enough time to keep note of my bathroom time, or is it catalogued and recorded somewhere?”

“The latter, of course. It’s in the record book next to your sleep schedule,” Twilight said, grin also widening. “10 hours a night is a bit much, don’t you think?” she added with fake concern.

“Yeah well…” Spike pondered a retort for a second, “…at least I can dance without looking like I’m walking over burning coals.”

Twilight’s grin dropped. “Why you little…” She reached over and enveloped the small purple dragon in her forelegs, following up with a playful noogie.

“Stop! Stop!” Spike pleaded, quickly followed by giggles from both him and Twilight as the baby dragon tried feebly to pushTwilight away.

“Awww…” Pinkie said at the scene of her two friends play fighting. “Why can’t Dan and I be like that?”

Twilight and Spike paused, slight blushes coming to their cheeks as they remembered they had an audience. The two parted, and Twilight cleared her throat. “It just takes time, Pinkie. Spike and I have had lots of time to get used to each other and our little habits.” Twilight smiled. “You just got to let him know what things really bug you and figure out what habits you’ll just have to adjust to.”

“And not showering, brushing your teeth, or eating any fruits or vegetables..?”

Twilight’s smile dropped. “Those would fall under the former…”

Pinkie gulped, “Erm…Can I ask you two a really personal question?”

Twilight and Spike’s expression shifted back towards concerned. “Uh…of course, Pinkie,” Twilight responded.

“…Did either of you have a run-in with meat when you were at that human world?”

Spike and Twilight looked surprise for a second and then their expressions changed.

Spike stifled a guffaw.

Twilight’s went serious.

“Spike, lock the door,” Twilight commanded.

“Hehe…Sure Twilight.” Spike dashed out of sight.

Twilight looked back towards Pinkie. “What did you eat?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

Pinkie considered the reactions of her two friends, especially Spike’s. “What did you eat?” she replied with suspicion in her voice.

“I asked you first!” Twilight said as her eyes narrowed.

“Well, I asked you second!” Pinkie retorted, her voice going shrill as she matched Twilight’s facial expression.

“Yeah, well…you came to me in the first place.”

“Well, you came to me in the second place!”

“Pinkie, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Uh…” Pinkie paused, then sighed. “Okay, you win… I…”  Pinkie began to absentmindedly fidget with the hem of her dress with her free hand. “I had a few bites of a hamburger my first night here…”

Twilight blinked in response. “That’s it?”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow. “That bad, huh?”

Spike popped back into view. “I think Twilight ate about a whole cow worth of meat,” he said with a giant grin.

“Spike! I did not...!” Twilight looked back at Pinkie with a nervous grin, her face flushed red. “…partially because not everything I ate came from a cow…”

Pinkie giggled. “Really? What you eat! Tell me, tell me!”

Twilight sighed. “Two burgers, a bacon burger, about a plate of bacon, a hotdog, and some sushi…”

Pinkie paused. “Twilight…you were in that other world for like… two days…”

Twilight threw her forehooves up. “I know! But it was soooo good, and I was so preoccupied with getting my crown back that I didn’t even think to ask what any of it was!” Twilight rubbed a hoof over her eyes. “First, I just got whatever Fluttershy was eating. Which, of course, meant I avoided any meat! But then I met everyone else, and they didn’t restrict their diets the same way…Heck, I’m pretty sure Applejack did eat about a cow’s worth of beef while I was there…”

“When did you figure it out?” Pinkie asked.

“Rainbow Dash got some chicken wings…it was kind of hard to deny that humans ate animals after that.”

Spike’s grin went full evil and he elbowed Twilight in the ribs. “Aaaaaaand?”

Twilight’s eyebrows and mouth gravitated towards each other in a crinkled frown. “I ate a chicken wing, anyways…” she admitted.

Pinkie covered her mouth and gasped. “Reeaallly?!”

Twilight looked up to the ceiling, raising her hooves to face level on either side of her head and gave them a shake. “I was in a strange world, and I was worried about getting an element of harmony back! I just sort of remembered that animals there couldn’t talk or hold complicated social events like dances or science fairs and rationalized that it was okay since I was human at the time…” Twilight slumped into a heap. “Am I a bad pony?” she asked sadly, looking up at Pinkie.

Pinkie shook her head. “You’re not a bad pony, Twilight! You’re a great pony! And I mean…maybe you’re right…animals here aren’t that smart…I tried to organize a revolution at a pet store, and I couldn’t even get the mice to wield the toothpicks I brought for them to use as spears!” Pinkie said, miming holding a toothpick with her free hand and making a stabbing motion.

Twilight paused. “Uh, right… Hey Pinkie?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

Twilight sat up and smiled again. “Thanks for being understanding. You have no idea how much better I feel.”

“Well, Spike understands, don’t you Spike?” Pinkie asked.

“I got to eat her scraps!” Spike said happily.

Twilight put on a slightly irritated look. “Spike didn’t seem to have much of a moral quandary about any of this…”

Pinkie rubbed the back of her head with her free hand. “I wish I could just figure out my own quandary to get Dan to eat some vegetables.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked.

“Oh! Well, Dan said he wouldn’t eat fruits or vegetables as long as I wouldn’t eat meat, so…”

“I’m pretty sure he just said that to get out of eating whatever you were trying to give him, Pinkie,” Twilight replied.

“I know, Twilight,” Pinkie responded. “But I’m pretty sure I could convince him to eat them anyways if I call his bluff.”

“Really? How’s that?” Twilight asked skeptically.

“Oh…a girl has her ways,” Pinkie said with a wry grin.

Twilight’s eyes went wide for a second and she waved her forehooves in front of her. “Whoa, whoa, never mind. Forget I asked. So anyways,” Twilight continued, raising an eyebrow, “you’re saying if you eat meat, Dan suffers?”

“Prrrretty much, yeah,” Pinkie admitted.

Twilight put a foreleg across her chest and supported her other foreleg at the elbow, pointing it up towards her face. She rested half her face on the hoof. “I’m probably going to hate myself in the morning for this but…the Pinkie from the other world didn’t have any problems with eating meat.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “REALLY?! Do you think she rationalized it, too?!” she asked excitedly.

A corner of Twilight’s mouth pulled to the side as she briefly pondered this. “I think she was more of the ‘eat it and not really think about where it comes from’ type.”

Pinkie chuckled. “Yep, that’s me alright.” Pinkie stood up. “Thanks you two! You really helped me a lot!”

Twilight smiled warmly at her friend. “Thank you, Pinkie.”

“Bye Pinkie! Oh! Tell my Accidental Arson Bro that Spike says ‘hi’ for me, wouldja?”

Pinkie held a thumbs up in view of the mirror. “Will do, Spike.”

Pinkie started to close the mirror, but heard a “Pinkie, wait!” from Twilight.

“Yes, Twilight?” Pinkie replied, opening back up the mirror.

Twilight leaned in close to her own mirror and held a hoof up on one side of her mouth, blocking her voice a bit from Spike. “When you get Dan to eat vegetables, can you maybe…take a picture of his face and show me later?” she asked with a small smile and blush.

Pinkie giggled and nodded. “Of course Twilight! In fact, I know someone else who’ll want to see that as well…”

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh good, so it’s not just me then…”

“Dan kinda has that effect on people…and ponies, it seems,” Pinkie said with a smile.

“Heh, yeah I bet,” Twilight said with a smile. “Goodbye, Pinkie!”

“Goodbye, Twilight.” Pinkie shut the mirror.

Pinkie’s smile widened as she walked over to her closet, grabbed her blue boots, put them on her feet, and began lacing them.

-ooooo-

Dan opened the apartment door and walked in, a couple of shopping bags in one of his hands. “Pinkie? I’m making lunch,”  Dan said, finishing his sentence with soft, manical laughter. “Muahahahahaha…”

“... Pinkie?”

“Meow.” Mr. Mumbles trotted over with another note.

Dan bent down and picked it up.

“To the bestest, most awesome, incredible, bestest, roommate in the whole wide world,

I’m sorry about earlier. (Pinkie had doodled a sad looking pony with pink, curly hair next to this sentence.)

I’ll be back soon, OK?

Love,

Pinkie Pie”

Dan’s already evil, wide grin grew eviler and wider.

-ooooo-

Pinkie stared wide-eyed at the section of frozen foods as she paced up and down the aisle.

“Pro!” She said to herself. “Dan will get a number of essential daily vitamins,” she said with a smile.

“Con! Dan might get angry and start another fight with me,” she said with a frown.

“Pro! Dan will be far less likely to die of any number of health complications later in life,” she said with a smile.

“Con…Dan might get angry and start another fight with me,” she said with a frown and a sigh.

Pinkie stopped in front of the frozen vegetables and massaged her temples.

“Miss?” A stout man with balding brown hair, glasses, a red sweater covering a blue shirt and blue tie, black pants, and black shoes asked. “Are you alright? You’ve been walking up and down the aisle and talking to yourself for almost an hour now.”

“Oh! No, I’m not alright! My roommate refuses to eat fruits or vegetables, but I think eating them is really, really, really important and I don’t want him to die of malnutrition so I’m trying to make sure he eats some everyday, but this always results in a fight, and I mean, like…really, really bad fights where something gets throw, or destroyed, or set on fire in protest, and sometimes someone gets hurt. Not me or him though, always some innocent bystander who gets hit by something Dan throws out the door or window. Amazingly, it seems every time he throws something he hits someone and then they crash into something else and sometimes this will get really, really, really, really bad over the tiniest, littlest, smallest thing like the time he flicked some peanut skins out the car window and I think maybe a biker inhaled the skins or something because he suddenly lost control of his bike and caused a multi-car pileup behind us and this is just the sort of thing that happens every day with us and I’m kinda worried I’m getting desensitized, you know? And now I’m, like, doing highly illegal things without thinking twice, because that’s just what you do here. Something makes you angry and you just go on the warpath and I’m trying to make sure we don’t hurt anyone but it’s really hard when it’s like everything on this planet seems designed to cause pain or explode for no reason; so now say…when Dan sees something like a modern art sculpture made out of metal and it makes him just so mad that he pushes it over and it’ll just catch fire, like ‘fwosh’”—Pinkie  brought her hands up and wiggled her fingers to simulate fire—“I don’t think ‘How the hay did that catch one fire!? It was made completely out of metal!’ No, I’m just like, ‘Yep. That’s on fire now. That’s just what happens here. You lightly tap something and it just catches aflame. Yep scary, scary.’ Except I’m not scared somehow! I just shrug, cross one more thing off the list and we go on our merry way and have lots of fun, and go get ice cream and sorbet because Dan can’t have milk or he’ll keel over into a ball and it looks really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, painful and I just feel so sorry for him…so what do you think I should do?”

“Ummm…well…eating right is important, but…”

“You’re RIGHT mister! Eating right IS important!” Pinkie resolutely opened the freezer door and pulled out a small bag of frozen broccoli. “I must feed this broccoli to Dan even if it means the complete and utter…probably nuclear, desolation of all life on this planet!” she added with strong determination in her voice. Pinkie smiled and waved to the stout man as she bounded off towards the checkout counters. “Thanks, recurring background character!”

The stout man stared blankly after her. “You’re welcome…I think…”

-ooo-

Pinkie bounded back to the apartment. As she approached the stairs, she recognized the smell of cooked meat, a smell she normally associated with fast food restaurants Dan would stop at. She smiled slightly and uttered an audible “Mmmmmm…”, the smell starting to conjure images of potentially tasty treats instead of brutally murdered animals that reminded her of her friends back in Equestria. She noted the smell was getting stronger the closer she got to the door of apartment ‘8’.

Ooh! Dan must be cooking something. I thought I was going to have to get him to take me to Burgerphile then fight with him to eat something when we got home. This’ll be easy-peasy.

Pinkie’s grin grew until it made an audible 'squee' sound as she clutched the grocery bag to her chest. She opened the apartment door and was immediately hit with the strong smell of cooked meat.

“Welcome back.” Dan said with a knowing, wicked grin. “I made lunch.” Dan took off his red 'KISS THE JERK' apron and set it in a crinkled mass on the counter.

Pinkie gasped as she looked over the spread on the dining table, which was actually the foosball table with a large, thin piece of plywood over it a couple of folding chairs set up next to it. Meatloaf, Hamburgers, Hotdogs, a big plate of bacon…Dan really outdid himself.

“I can see that!” Pinkie said with a big smile. “Just a sec, okay?” Pinkie walked over to the microwave, discreetly pulled something out of the grocery bag, and put it into the microwave. She pushed a few buttons on the device and bounded over to the table.

Dan’s smile dropped. She seems rather…enthusiastic. Oh well, I have a backup…

Pinkie sat down in one of the folding chairs.

Dan’s smile returned as he pushed a plate full of meatloaf in front of Pinkie. It widened back into an evil grin as she took a bite.

Pinkie’s expression went blank as tears started to well up in her eyes.

Dan turned a small bottle that was sitting on the table so Pinkie could read it. “You might say the secret ingredient is ‘habanero sauce’…”

Pinkie slowly swallowed the bit of food in her mouth. “Dan..?”

Dan’s evil smile went nuclear arms race. “Yes, Pinkie?”

“THIS IS THE BEST LUNCH I’VE HAD EVER, EVER!” Pinkie declared with a gigantic smile.

Dan’s smile suffered a nuclear peace treaty. “Ummm…Really?”

Pinkie vigorously nodded her head as she shoveled more bites into her mouth with an “Mmmm-hmmm! Mmmm-hmmm!”

“Uh, thanks…” Dan said, scratching the back of his head.

Pinkie quickly devoured the contents of her plate and began licking it clean. She presented a completely empty plate to Dan and asked, “More, please!”

‘Beep Beep Beep’

“Oh! Hold that thought.” Pinkie sat up and trotted over to the microwave.

Dan eyed her suspiciously as she pulled out a plate, pulled out a plump bag from the microwave, opened it, and emptied the steaming, green contents into the plate.

Crud.

Pinkie walked over with the plate of broccoli. “Sorry Dan, but I’m going to make you eat your words,” Pinkie said with a grin, placing the plate in front of Dan. “Also, broccoli," she added.

“Uh, yeah... I kinda figured that out...” Dan put a pout on his face. “Erm…You know I only said that because…”

“I know exactly why you said it. You’re still going to eat,” Pinkie insisted.

“But…”

Pinkie’s eyes narrowed. “No buts!” She handed Dan a fork. “Eat!” She commanded.

Dan swallowed and grabbed the fork. He speared a tiny green piece of broccoli and brought it up to his mouth, the fork quivering in his hand. He glanced back up at his roommate, pleading for mercy in his eyes.

The look on Pinkie's face made it clear that no quarter would be given.

Dan exhaled and put the tiny piece of broccoli in his mouth. A corner of his mouth pulled up into a sneer as the eye on the same side of his face began twitching. Slowly, he chomped down on the offending vegetable, his face contorting with every bite.

Dan heard a click and looked up to see Pinkie holding her pink camera.

He flashed her an angry glower and after several labored bites, he swallowed. “Elise?”

“No, Twilight,” Pinkie responded.

“What is it with girls wanting to watch me suffer?”

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “You’re just the kinda guy girls love to hate, I guess.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Pinkie. “I noticed.”

“Er, sorry…I didn’t mean me…” She quickly explained, waving her free hand out in front of her. “Oh, Spike says ‘Hi’ by the way. How was the broccoli?”

Dan stuck out his tongue and ran his hands over it rapidly, trying to get the taste of broccoli off of it. “That was objectively the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life,” he answered. Dan frowned and added, “And you should see the color of some of the turkey meat I've eaten...”

Pinkie rubbed her chin and examined what was on the table with a “Hmmmm…”. She grabbed the hot sauce and drowned the remaining broccoli with the bright orange liquid. She looked back up at Dan and motioned to the plate.

Dan furrowed his brow and stabbed another piece of broccoli. He held it up as bright orange drops of hot sauce fell off the plant and back onto the plate. He stuck it into his mouth and chewed.

 “Welllllllllll...?” Pinkie inquired as a smile began to emerge on her face.

“All I can taste is hot sauce,” Dan responded.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand...?” Pinkie’s smile grew.

“It’s ummm… tolerable?” Dan offered.

“I’ll take it!” Pinkie responded, pointing at Dan and beaming.

Dan considered the plate of habanero drenched hot sauced broccoli in front of him while rubbing his stubble. He dished up a large chunk of meatloaf into the orange and green mass and began eating bites of meat and broccoli together.

“Ooh! Ooh! Let me try!” Pinkie enthusiastically grabbed her own fork and began grabbing bites off of Dan’s plate. Soon the two had finished the hot sauce soaked contents.

Dan looked across the spread on the table. “Looks like we have our work cut out for us…”

Pinkie grabbed a hot dog bun, added a wiener, a few strips of bacon, mustard, hot sauce, and chomped down. “Souwnd Gwood to mwe!” She said through a mouth full of protein and bread.

Dan sat down and began eating. Lunch first, then phase 2.

A small evil grin returned to Dan’s face as he added ketchup to a burger.

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Chapter 25 Pinkie Vs. Casual Fridays

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. RoommateChapter 25 Pinkie Vs. Casual Fridays-ooooooo-

Pinkie washed the last of the dishes as Dan collapsed on the couch. The two had eaten their fill of meat and even had leftovers that were put away.

So Operation Meatocalypse was more like a rapture…that’s okay. There’s no way Pinkie will like what’s coming next.

Pinkie sat down next to Dan and gave her roommate a smile. “So,” she began, “we still have most the day. What do you want to do next?”

The hints of a grin began to emerge at the corners of Dan’s mouth.

She’s walking right into it…

“Casual Friday,” Dan explained casually.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “It’s Thursday,”  she answered, followed by looking up to the ceiling and rubbing her chin. “Or is it?”

Dan raised an index finger. “Casual Friday is not bound by the common Gregorian calendar. It is a state of being that surpasses the known laws of time and space.”

“Ooh, ooh! Sounds like fun! What do we do?”

Dan’s evil grin returned. He held up an index finger. “Well first,” Dan explained, “the Lords of Casual Fridays shun clothing.” Dan announced dramatically, followed by him taking off his t-shirt, shoes, socks, and jeans. Soon he was clothed in nothing but his white with red stripes boxers and a giant toothy, evil grin.

Pinkie stared at him blankly. “So we strip down to our underwear?”

Dan’s grin stretched to the limits of what his face would allow. “Yep.”

Pinkie paused and processed this. “…Okay,” she replied with a smile and a shrug.

Dan’s evil grin reported dead after throwing itself out a five story window. It was thirty seconds old and was born when Dan thought stripping to his boxers and lounging around the apartment would somehow faze someone who spent the vast majority of her life not wearing clothes at all. It is survived by his worried, shocked expression that continues on to watch his roommate unlace her boots, take off her socks, and begin to lift her shirt up.

“Wait!” Dan cried. “I like that outfit.”

Pinkie stopped. “I thought you hated this one.”

“Uhhh… I changed my mind?” He said weakly. “It’s the one you were wearing when you first got here…it makes me nostalgic.”

Good save, me.

A+

“Awww, that’s sweet.” Pinkie replied with a warm smile. “Especially since it managed to survive the cupcake you somehow exploded all over my clothes…” Pinkie paused and thought a second, “But I don’t want to upset these Lords of Casual Fridays, so…”

Nervousness joined shock and worry on Dan’s face and the trio proceeded to throw a party quickly joined by perspiration as Pinkie removed her shirt, undid the purple sash round her waist, and slid down her skirt, kicking it off into a pile of clothing from the two couch occupants.

Dan gulped as he looked over his roommate’s body, now clad only in a frilly pink bra and equally frilly pink panties. He had thought the fact that she was a girl meant she wouldn’t even consider this option; now the fact that she was a girl, and a full figured, attractive one at that, was working very much against him and rational thought was quickly becoming little more than a faint memory.

 Pinkie turned her almost completely bare back to Dan, “Would you undo my bra for me?” She asked. “I still have trouble with the clasps.” She explained.

Color drained from Dan’s face as a tiny version of him with three sets of bat-wings, three sets of small horns adorning the sides of his upper forehead, and a black crown that appeared to be made of flaming coal that hovered a few inches off his head, appeared on his shoulder in a puff of black smoke that smelt of brimstone.  “DO IT!” He said with an enthusiastic smile of pure devilish delight. “If you play your cards right, you can probably get her naked.”

A second puff of smoke appeared. This time grey, though still smelling faintly of brimstone. Instead of an angelic version, or even slightly less evil version of Dan, a tiny version of Elise clad in her black ninja robes and red scarf stood. Though she, too, sported a single pair of bat wings and horns.

“Oh, COME ON!” Dan shouted at the tiny Elise. “Don’t I have to deal with regular Elise enough?!”

The tiny devil Elise glowered at him. “Don’t look at me. Your slightly less evil conscious got the drop on me and took over my position!”

“Oh well…I guess as long as I’m still tormenting her in some form, that’s okay,” Dan replied wistfully.

“Anyways,” Evil Elise continued, “if you take off that bra and Elise finds out about it, she’ll totally emasculate you with her sword. And yes, I did mean ‘emasculate’.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as she began to pout. “Awww…but it’s soooo tight and constricting!” she whined.

The trio turned back face her, surprise written like an epic trilogy across their collective faces.

“She can see us?!” Really Evil Dan exclaimed.

“Sure I can see you!” Pinkie said with a smile. “Everypony…and everyone too, seems to have a couple of you guys! It’s fun! It’s like everybody is a walking party!”

“Uh, do you have a couple as well?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Of course!” Pinkie motioned to her shoulders.

A, pink, bubbly pony with a curly pink mane and tail bounded in a circle on one of Pinkies shoulders, it chanted “Fun! Fun! Fun!” over and over again ad nauseam.

A second pony with straight hair, holding a chef’s knife in a hoof, was on the second shoulder. It may have very well have been pink, but it was impossible to tell as it appeared to be completely drenched in blood that dripped off of it in large, viscous ‘plops’. “His soft underbelly is exposed.” The pony thrust its knife into the air, then made a series of stabbing motions. “Go for the kill! Eviscerate him and bake his organs into cupcakes!” it ordered. “If you miss the vital ones, you may even get to make him watch as you do it before he dies!” it said with a malevolent grin.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” The tiny pink pony responded. “You should throw everyone a huge, ginormous, awesome, gargantuan party instead!”

“A murder party! Yesssss…” The blood soaked pony replied. “Do it! Let’s bake them all!”

“Uhhh…I can’t see them,” Dan replied.

Real Evil Dan stared across the small expanse at the couple of consciences sitting and bouncing on Pinkie’s bare shoulders. His expression betrayed a sense of dread and fear. “Believe me buddy, you’re better off.”

Evil Elise chimed in, “Yeah…I’m with RED on this.”

RED threw up his hands. “Sorry, pal. You’re on your own here. Forgive the Bible reference, but I’m washing my hands of this one.”

“I’m outie, too,” Evil Elise added. “Just remember what I said about the sword. Hey, RED. Why don’t you and I head to Lucifer’s and drink until we can’t remember today.”

“Sounds like a plan, E.E. first round’s on you.”

E.E. shrugged and rolled her eyes. “It always is.”

In a puff of smoke, the two were gone.

“That’s okay! You still have the big one! I bet he has dozens of cupcakes’ worth of organs in him!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

Pinkie waved her hands over her shoulders, causing the two ponies to disappear in a pink and red puff of smoke. “Shoo! Shoo! You two aren’t helping!”

Dan just stared at his roommate, completely unsure of what to do at this point.

“So uhh…I have to keep my bra on?” Pinkie asked.

Dan considered E.E.’s words and mustered the last of his will. “Erm…yes…The Lords of Casual Fridays require that bras must remain on…”

Pinkie’s face fell into disappointment. “Awww, sexist jerks. What is it with all these stupid rules your society has?” She added. “It’s always, ‘Pinkie, keep your clothes on!’ or ‘No dancing at the paraplegic support group’ and ‘Ma’am, it’s not legal to mail a box full of whipped cream.’”

“I hear ya…” Dan replied. “But Casual Fridays is a sacred event that has existed for decades. Literal decades,” he stressed.

Pinkie sighed, but her face immediately rebounded to its default, happy self.  “Okay, what’s next?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

Dan finally remembered he had a phase three. “Oh, uh…we play music.”

Pinkie’s grin widened. “Sounds like a blast! I love music!”

Dan managed to resurrect his grin from the dead. “Oh, it’ll be a blast alright…”

He walked over to his CD player, made sure the volume was set to max, and hit ‘play’.

The room was immediately filled with the sound of electric guitars and drums. The entire apartment shook with the sound, and even the windows vibrated.

Dan examined his roommate carefully.

Pinkie’s face went completely blank. Slowly her pupils began to dilate.

--“♫”

Pinkie stood up.

--“♫”

The hints of a smile appeared on her face.

--“♫”

The hints turned to clues as her mouth widened.

--“♫”

Pinkie beamed from ear to ear.

--“♫” --“♫”

“DAN! THIS IS THE BEST MUSIC IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER!” Pinkie shouted over the stereo.

--“♫”

“WHAT?!” Dan replied, unsure if he had misheard her or if was hearing another plan end in a giant, world consuming, fiery, punk explosion.

--“♫”

--“♫”

“I LOVE IT!” Pinkie declared.

--“♫”

“Umm… good…” Dan replied, unsure if he should be elated that his roommate loved the Ramones or that his plan was a smoldering pile of ashes at this point.

Pinkie bounded up to her roomie, “Dance with me?” She asked, cupping her hands together next to her cheek and shrinking down so she was looking up at Dan with big, blue, hopeful eyes.

--“♫”

Dan looked down at her and swallowed; Pinkie’s usual, modest attire normally blocked his view from what he was looking at now.

--“♫”

Dan’s resolved was obliterated as two bombshells collided with it and exploded.

--“♫”

Well…a couple songs couldn’t hurt… Dan thought.

--“♫”

Dan smiled, raised his forearms, and began shifting in rhythm to the song. “Sure, Pinkie.”

Pinkie, likewise, raised her hands, and began shifting back in forth in rhythm to the song, an incredibly happy and content smile plastered on her face.

--“♫”

-ooooooo-

Dan paused from his dancing as he noticed phone light up on the crate that served as a makeshift coffee table. The phone displayed ‘Chris’ over the green ‘Answer’ and red ‘Ignore’ buttons. He walked over and pressed the green button. “Hey, Chris!”

--“♫”

“Dan? What’s going on? I can barely hear you.”

--“♫”

Dan turned to Pinkie with a sheepish grin and motioned for her to turn the volume down on the CD player.

--“♫”

--“♫”

Pinkie ceased dancing to nod with a smile and complied, continuing her dancing when she finished.

--“♫”

--“♫”

“Better?” Dan asked.

“Much,” Chris answered. “Just wanted to know how the scheme was going.”

“Great! Pinkie and have been dancing to the Ramones for the last half an hour almost.”

--“♫”

--“♫”

“…That sounds like the opposite of ‘great’,” Chris responded.

--“♫”

“Wait…what was my ‘criterion’ for great again?” Dan asked, searching the ceiling as if it had the answer.

--“♫”

--“♫”

“You were trying to get Pinkie to want to move out.”

--“♫”

--“♫”

Dan paused. “... Oh, right…”

--“♫”

“… yeah, I don’t care about that anymore.”

The CD transitioned from the end of I Don’t Want To Walk Around With You to Today Your Love, Tomorrow The World.

--“1, 2, 3, 4”

“Wait? Seriously?” Chris asked in a shocked tone.

“Are you kidding? I haven’t had this much fun in…possibly ever.” Dan admitted, surprising himself as much as anyone.

Pinkie bounded up. “Is that Chris?”

Dan nodded.

“Ask him if he and Elise can make it for dinner!” Pinkie instructed. “Tell them we’re having meat.”

“Did she just say meat?!” Chris asked excitedly.

“Yep, Chris. Bacon and beef,” Dan replied.

Chris made a giddy hungry sound, “I’ll ask. I’ll ask right now!”

There was beep as Chris terminated the call.

“So,” Pinkie began. “Meatloaf?”

A mischievous grin spread across Dan’s face. “I’ll have to get more hot sauce.”

Pinkie smiled. “Naturally.”

-ooooo-

Tears streamed down Elise’s face as she took another bite of meatloaf. Her face was bright red, and every bite was a labor of endurance.

Chris seemed to have an easier time eating the meat, though his eyes were similarly watery, and face similarly red.

Dan grinned evilly at the couple, seemingly suffering no ill effects from the meal.

Likewise, Pinkie happily devoured her portion.

“So…cough…Casual Friday?” Elise asked, attempting to give Dan a death glare, but succeeding in something closer to an angry, red faced frown behind tears.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “It was a blast! We danced to the Ramones for hours!”

“See, she had fun!” A tiny version of Elise in white robes with a halo hovering a few inches above her head said, standing on one of Elise’s shoulders. “I think you should really let this one go!” It added, patting the side of Elise’s head.

“Yeah!” A tiny version of Dan with a set of bat wings and devil horns responded, “He’s a stand-up guy!” He said with a grin full of pointed teeth.

I hate my consciences so much!

Pinkie smiled at Elise. “Don’t worry. I kept my bra on,” she informed.

Elise raised an eyebrow. “That’s a…cough… rather specific admission…”

“A little devil told me it was important to you,” Pinkie replied, pointing at Elise with her fork.

Elise blinked a few times. I never know what to do when she gets weird like this…oh well…I guess she enjoyed herself and Dan didn’t take advantage of things too much…

Pinkie looked over to Dan and frowned. “Dan, you haven’t touched your salad.”

“Eh…I’m full,” he replied.

“Dan,” Pinkie said in a maternal tone, “you know you need to eat your veggies.”

“But they’re icky!” Dan whined.

Pinkie passed Dan a bottle of habanero hot sauce.

Dan sighed and drenched his salad in the bright orange sauce, and took a bite.

Chris’s and Elise’s jaws dropped.

“Dan,” Chris said, “are you actually eating vegetables?!”

Dan frowned. “What! I can’t taste them over the hot sauce. It’s fine!”

Pinkie smiled to herself proudly.

“I can’t believe you did it, but you did it, Pinkie!” Elise said. “And to think he was trying to get you to move out this morning.”

You could hear a pin drop. For several agonizingly quiet moments no one said anything as Pinkie’s happy expression suddenly went dark.

Pinkie wordlessly pushed her folding chair back from the makeshift table and stood up.

“Pinkie!” Dan pleaded, “Wait, I…”

With tears forming in her eyes, Pinkie leaped for the door a few feet away, opened it, and sprinted away.

Elise’s heart pounded in her chest as Dan shot her a death glare, the first successful of such from the group this evening.

Dan stood up and walked to the open door. He turned to Elise, rage and anger slowly creeping into his features.

With a huff, he uttered a sarcastic “Thanks, Elise,” and ran out the door.

“Oh, what the heck!” Chris exclaimed.

Elise turned to her husband. “I’m sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“He never thanks me!”

“Chris! This is serious!”

Chris stopped and thought about the situation. Gee, I really wish I knew what to do here.

A tiny angel and tiny devil version of Chris appeared on either shoulder.

“Keep eating!” Evil Chris ordered. “Food will fill the void in your soul.”

“Yes,” Angelic Chris added, “It would be a sin to waste such delectable morsels.”

I love my consciences so much! Chris thought to himself.

-ooo-

Dan ran through the streets of Van Nuys, his breath labored, his muscles burning. The sun had already sank below the horizon and the street lights of the city had begun to flicker to life. Despite the pains and aches of his body, Dan’s concern for Pinkie’s safety was overriding his desire to slow down and catch his breath.

“Pinkie!” He called out in a hoarse voice, rounding another corner.

He heard a tiny whimper and looked up to see a pink mass of curly hair slumped against a telephone pole.

He attempted to catch his breath as he walked up. A street light lit up as he approached. He noticed Pinkie sitting with her knees pulled up, face planted against her legs, and arms clutching her legs, under the same ‘Bob the Angry Flower’ flyer he had stapled the night he met Pinkie. Though, the weather had taken its toll and it was now a water damaged, sun bleached, faded flyer.

Dan sat down next to Pinkie, “Really? The same place you nearly got mugged? You’re like a butterfly to flame.”

Pinkie looked up and wiped a layer of tears and snot away from her face with the back of her hand. “Moth. You mean moth…”

Dan allowed himself a small smile. “I like my version better.”

The two sat in silence for a bit.

“Dan...?” Pinkie began, “… I’ll move out if that’s what you want… it’s just… what do I have to do for you to like me?”

Dan shrugged. “You can start by punching Elise in her big mouth.”

Pinkie shook her head. “I can’t do it.”

“Sorry,” Dan said with a chuckle, “I know you don’t really like violence…”

“No, I mean… Elise is like some sort of super-spy ninja. She’d stop me before I even got close to her face…” Pinkie explained.

“Heh.”

The two went silent once more.

Dan broke the silence this time. “Pinkie… I… what I mean is…”—Dan took a deep breath—“I’ve spent my whole life trying to stay away from other people. For the longest time, that apartment... and all the ones before it I got kicked out of, have been my safe haven from everything in the world. I never thought I’d have a roommate, especially not one who wanted to be my friend. I guess… I guess I felt threatened. Like you were trying to take the one piece of me that was safe from others… But…”

Pinkie turned to look at Dan, her big, sky-blue eyes finding his emerald ones in the glow of the streetlight.

Dan met her gaze, stood up, and held out his hand. “Today I realized that I didn’t have to fight you. I didn’t want to fight you.”

Pinkie grabbed Dan’s hand as he brought her up to her feet.

“You make me really happy,” Dan admitted.

Tears began to reemerge behind Pinkie’s eyes.

“…And…I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who’s made me happy… so…”

Dan paused.

“Stay with me, please?” Dan asked with a hopeful smile.

Dan felt himself be enveloped as Pinkie embraced him and began sobbing into his shoulder.

Dan returned the embrace. “There, there, crybaby…”

After some time, Pinkie composed herself. Still holding Dan, she raised her head and whispered into Dan’s ear, “Thanks for not making me have to put on the beekeepers outfit.”

“Uhhh…sure.” Dan replied.

The two parted and began walking back towards the apartment.

“Although,” Dan began, “A beekeepers outfit could come in handy.”

Pinkie grinned, “I even got a small one for Mr. Mumbles in case you decided to attack the apartment.”

“Awwww! That sounds adorable!” Dan responded. “Okay, now I’m kinda sorry I didn’t try to drive you out with bees.”

“Tell you what. I’ll pick up one for you tomorrow. Oh! Can we have hamburgers?”

“Sure, Pinkie,” Dan responded with a smile.

“And do Casual Friday again?” Pinkie asked with a huge grin.

“I’d love to.”

Pinkie’s smile dropped a little. “And erm… you’ll take a shower?”

Dan sighed. “Fine.”

“And brush your teeth?”

“Fine.”

“And at least eat some fruit or vegetables..?”

Dan paused.

“…fine.” he huffed out quietly.

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Hey Dan?”

“What?!” Dan replied irritably.

Dan felt something moist press against his cheek as Pinkie’s arms looped around his. “You make me really happy, too,” she whispered into his ear.

Dan’s heart skipped a beat and his face flushed.

Pinkie leaned and closer and rested her head against his.

“Do you think Chris left anything to eat?” Pinkie asked.

“Heh, after this long? We’ll be lucky if there’s even anything left in the fridge.”

-ooo-

Slowly, the apartment door opened, revealing Dan and Pinkie Pie.

“Dan!” Elise exclaimed. “You found her. Dan, I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay Elise, we worked it out,” Dan replied.

“No Dan, it’s not okay. Look, you have to punch me in the fa…”

Dan had shifted his weight on ‘punch’ and hit Elise before she even finished ‘face’.

Elise stumbled back a little and caught herself. She smiled at Dan as she rubbed her cheek. “Nice thrust.”

“Thanks.”

“We cool?” Elise asked.

Dan held out a hand, palm up, which Elise gave a hard slap to.

“We cool,” Dan answered.

“You two have the most strangest, violentest friendship I’ve ever seen,” Pinkie stated.

“I know, it’s weird, right?” Chris asked rhetorically.

 “I don’t know. I think it’s kinda sweet,” Pinkie replied.

Chris’s face dropped. Partially from what Pinkie said, but mostly because it felt like his insides were on fire. “Oh dear…” He uttered as his stomach made audible churning noises.

Dan crinkled his brow at Chris. “Chris, how much meatloaf and bacon did you eat?”

“Ummm…all of it?” Chris offered with a nervous grin.

“There was like…an entire bottle of habanero sauce in that meatloaf. And even the bacon was drenched in the stuff…” Dan replied.

“But it was soooo good!” Chris whined.

Pinkie looked at Dan and shrugged. “It was really, really, really, good.”

“Um, Chris?” Elise began. “Maybe I should get you home…or to the emergency room…”

“Awww, can’t you two stay for dessert?”

Elise smiled. “I really think I need to get him home…”

“I understand,” Pinkie said. “Next time.”

“But…but…dessert,” Chris moaned, standing up, but slumping onto his wife for support.

Elise draped one of the large man’s arm around her shoulders, “Don’t do anything stupid, you two.”

Dan smiled. “You know us.”

Elise maintained her smile as she rolled her eyes. “Unfortunately, I do…Come on Chris.” She made her way to the door, dragging Chris with her.

“But…but…” Chris reached out into the apartment as Elise dragged him away.

Pinkie quickly opened the fridge, nabbed something from it, and placed a rainbow colored cupcake into Chris’s outstretched hand.

Chris gave a weak “Yaaaaaaaaay…” as Elise dragged him off.

Pinkie poked her head out after them and called, “Bye-byeeee!” with a wave. She leaned back into the apartment and shut the door.

“So…what now?” she asked.

Dan thought for a second. “I still have a huge pile of punk CDs we can listen to,” he said as he walked over to the stereo.

Pinkie’s shirt was off her body and on the floor in a matter of seconds. “Let’s rock.”

Dan chuckled to himself with a smile, and hit play on the CD player.

Tomorrow is going to be another beautiful day. He thought to himself for perhaps the first time in his life.

“Hey ho, let's go”

“hey ho, let's go”

“hey ho, let's go”

“hey ho, let's go”

-oooooo-

Blitzkrieg Bop and I Don’t Want To Walk Around With You lyrics written by Joey Ramone, Dee Dee Ramone, Tommy Ramone, Johnny Ramone

Copyright: Sire Records

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate: Epilogue/Part 4.5 Prologue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4 Dan Vs. Roommate Epilogue/Part 4.5 Prologue-ooooooo-

Lyrics removed in compliance with rules. Original version here.

-ooooooo-

The crescent moon hung like a wounded animal in the dark. Dim stars dotted the heavens, stars mostly smothered by black clouds that blotted the sky. Beneath lay a dark forest, a twisting mass of large, imposing trees with branches that snaked out in all directions. Below them was an unforgiving landscape of large rocks that jutted out like daggers from the ground, and moss covered remains of long dead trees being slowly consumed by the forest itself. The warped branches of these trees jutted up from the ground like twisted, broken limbs desperately trying to reach out of the ground towards the forest canopy.

Pinkie ran through the hazardous maw of the dark forest as if her life depended on it.

Mostly because it did.

The seven foot tall, chainsaw-wielding, hockey masked killer was hot on her heels.

Her high heels in this case.

Why the hayam I even wearing these?! I didn’t think I even owned a pair…

As if on cue, a heel broke and Pinkie went tumbling to the ground, banging her body on all manner of sharp rocks and painful looking branches that stabbed and cut her flesh until a large, shattered tree stump stopped her, Its remains shooting up into the sky like a collection of swords and spears.

Pinkie rubbed her sore, bruised, and cut body. Her vision blurred as something warm and viscous started to flow into her eyes.

Pinkie wiped at her face and examined her hand closely. Her now red hand shone sickly in the dingy moonlight.

I must have cut my head in the fall. I need to keep going! The killer…

Pinkie heard the sound of a chainsaw revving and looked up as the color drained from her face. The hockey-masked killer was quickly approaching, the forest seemingly giving way to him as he charged, as if his malevolent presence even frightened the very woodland that had brought Pinkie to her knees.

Pinkie tried to sit up, but felt something clutching at her dress.

She looked down at the skimpy cocktail dress she was wearing.

Oh, I don’t believe this! There’s barely a sash’s worth of material on this thing and it manages to get caught on a thorn bush.

Pinkie struggled to rip free as the remorseless thorn bush held fast, cutting dozens of tiny lacerations into her thigh.

Why am I even dressed like this?! Was it my goal to get hit on by as many creepy guys as possible tonight?!

Pinkie’s train of thought derailed in a fiery crash, killing all on board as the chainsaw noise exploded into a crescendo of buzzing fury.

She looked up to see the killer mere feet away from her, chainsaw held high above his head, glinting sharply in the moonlight.

A lump caught in Pinkie’s throat, but escaped into a blood curdling scream as the saw came down upon her body.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Pinkie sat up in the bed. “Ouch!” she exclaimed as she hit her head on the lamp suspended above the bed.

WHY DID DAN EVEN PUT THAT LAMP THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

 Pinkie raised a hand to stop the swinging pendulum of pain manifest in lamp form, her pink pajamas soaked through, and her breathing labored as she took stock of her surroundings.

She was in the bedroom she shared with Dan in their apartment. Tiny beams of streetlight shone through the window blinds, covering her and the bed in tiny lines made of electric light.

“Dan, I…” Panic gripped Pinkie as she realized her roommate was not in the bed. She swallowed, feeling very much alone and terrified of the sudden vast emptiness that seemed to consume the tiny apartment.

“Dan?” Pinkie called out in a frightened tone. “Dan, where are you? I’m scared and…”

“CHEMICAL PLANT EXPLOSION!” Dan screamed, suddenly popping up from under the bed.

Pinkie made a loud, startled “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!” and fell off the bed with a loud ‘THUMP’.

“NOXIOUS FUMES ARE COMING THIS WAY! KILLING ALL WHO INHALE THEM!” Dan continued.

Pinkie was on her feet in a flash. “Right! Situation ‘C’. I’ll go get…”

“Also, those who inhale the fumes raise back to life with a hunger for the flesh of the living,” Dan added.

“Ooooooo! Situation ‘C’ plus ‘Z’…wait.” Pinkie paused as a small smile appeared on her face. “Romero or Snyder?”

Dan reached up to pat his taller roommate on the head. “Very good, young padawan. Romero,” he answered.

Pinkie smiled large enough to make an audible ‘squee’ sound. “I’ll get my bag, the gas-masks, my crowbar, and the rifle.” She sang out, bounding towards the closet.

“And I’ll grab Mr. Mumbles, the cross-bow, my hatchet, and the car,” Dan replied.

“Meet you outside?” Pinkie asked as she donned a pair of pink flats, her cutie mark painted on the tops in acrylic paint.

“Yep!” Dan replied as Mr. Mumbles bounded up to him with a “meow” and ran up his outstretched hand.

-ooo-

Pinkie excitedly opened the door to the apartment and shut it behind her, pink crowbar in hand, her pink bag slung diagonally across a shoulder, a black satchel slung diagonally across the other. A brown strap also crossed her chest parallel to the black strap, and the butt of a wood grain rifle protruded up over a shoulder. She giddily put her foot on the rail to the second story walkway and looked over. Dan had already positioned the car. Pinkie managed to awkwardly pull her weight onto the walkway railing and fell forward, spreading out her arms and legs as she impacted the roof of the red hatchback below.

‘THOWK!’

Dan glanced up at the roof of his car at the sound of someone flinging themselves onto it. A petite hand appeared from the passenger side window, pink finger nails and feminine fingers arranged in the sign of ‘A-ok’.

Pink flats entered the car through the window, followed by pink pajama-clad legs, a pink bag and a black bag, a women’s pink pajama-clad torso crisscrossed with straps of varying color,a woman’s bright smiling face, bright pink curly hair, the butt of a rifle, and finally, pink pajama-clad arms attached to slim hands and fingers.

“How’d I do?! How’d I do?!” Pinkie asked excitedly from the passenger seat.

Dan gave her a giant grin and wagged his finger back and forth. “Nu-uh-uh. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Pinkie thought for a second and looked down. “Aw, nerts!” she exclaimed as she reached for her seatbelt and buckling it.

Dan clicked a stopwatch, then produced a sheet of paper on a clipboard marking a number of places with a pen. “Not bad. Not bad at all,” he commented. “I had to ding you for the seatbelt, but you reacted quickly, remembered all the right things, and got out of the apartment in record time despite having to grab extra gear. This is a personal best for you.”

“Yes!” Pinkie exclaimed to herself with a smile and a fist pump.  She closed her eyes, leaned back into her seat, and quietly began to hum the Laughter Song to herself.

Dan started the car, and pushed a tape into the tape player embedded in the dash. Soon the sound of a rhythm bass and electric piano filled the car.

“Hungry?” Dan asked. “I’m thinking…Lenny’s.” Dan shifted the rearview mirror so Pinkie could see into the backseat.

The sound of music was quickly joined by Pinkie’s laughter. “You got it out of storage, I see.”

“♫”

The backseat sat occupied by a change of clothes for Pinkie, Mr. Mumbles, and the pancake thrower the two had constructed sometime prior.

“♫”

“What can I say? I’m a man who likes pancakes,” Dan said, grinning mischievously.

“♫”

“Mostly when they’re flying through the air at dangerous speeds, though,” Dan admitted.

“♫”

Pinkie smiled, “Sounds like a funderful evening…morning.”

“♫”

Dan pulled out into the street.

“♫”

“♫”

“Hey, things seemed…intense when you woke up. Did you want to talk about it?” Dan asked.

“♫”

Pinkie thought about this with an audible “Hmmmmm…”

“♫”

“Noper,” she answered with a smile.

“♫”

Dan smiled and shrugged. “Okay. Just remember that I’m always here if you need to talk.”

“♫”

“♫”

Pinkie reached over to the steering wheel and gave Dan’s hand a squeeze. “I know, Dan,” she said warmly.

“♫”

The red hatchback drove off into the streetlight lit street, carrying an oddly content misanthrope, a pink pony turned human who felt her fears melt away, a cat who understood English, and enough weapons and gear to survive a chemically created zombie hoard.

“♫”

-ooooooo-

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Spike asked for about the half dozenth time. “You remember what happened the last time you used time magic,” he added.

Twilight’s horn glowed, casting a purple light all over the vast stone room and the books spread out all over it, her own the only source of illumination. “It’ll be fine!” Twilight assured. “We’re just going to observe the past through a viewport. Given how things went that last time I traveled to the past, I doubt actually going back would be a good idea…”

“Alright…” Spike said tentatively. “If you’re sure…”

“As sure as I’ll ever be…” Twilight admitted softly to herself.

A purple beam shot out from her horn and stopped in a spiral of purple light a few yards in front of her; eventually it faded revealing a large plate sized window. The room darkened as the dim light from the portal became the only light in the room.

Twilight and Spike looked into the portal, observing the six ponies from the past.

Spike drew close to Twilight. “Can they hear us?” he whispered.

“No,” Twilight responded in a whisper. “The portal only transfers images and maybe magic…”

“Oh…then why are you whispering?”

Twilight shushed the baby dragon. “I’m trying to concentrate! I need to use my magic to sense what happened without creating any light…it’s harder than it looks.”

“Sorry…” Spike whispered.

The two paused as the Twilight on the other side of the portal opened the door.

“Hey it’s me! Looking good, Spike!” Spike exclaimed.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

The two watched as a blue glow began to emanate through the recently opened door.

Suddenly, the room was filled with red light from behind Spike and Twilight. A red bolt shot out of the darkness of the room, shot through the portal, intercepting a blue blast that was headed straight for Pinkie. The combined red and blue bolt hit Pinkie, and she was gone.

Twilight quickly closed the portal.

“What happened?!” Spike fearfully exclaimed.

“I don’t…” Twilight used her magic, attempting to sense the residual energies of the bolt just fired through the very room. A small feeling of disorder and chaos entered through her horn, and traveled down like a tremor.

“I know who’s responsible,” Twilight said, her eyes narrowing as determination entered her expression.

“You do? Who is it?”

Twilight raised a forehoof into the air and shouted at the heavens.

“DISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!”Twilight Sparkle Vs.Discord

End part--

“No need to shout I’m just down the hall!”

…

End Part 4…

Sorta.

Part 4.5 Twilight Sparkle Vs. Discord: Chapter 26

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 4.5 Twilight Sparkle Vs. Discord Chapter 26-ooooooo-

Discord grinned to himself behind his upside-down tea cup as the door to his room slammed open revealing a furious-looking purple Alicorn.

“DISCORD!” Twilight yelled in an accusatory tone. She pointed a forehoof at the Draconequus. “I know it was you.”

“Oh come now, Twilight Sparkle. Aren’t you the one always looking for all the facts before jumping to any”—Discord turned his head a complete 180, opened his mouth wide, and emptied the contents of his cup into his mouth—“wild conclusions?” Discord’s grin widened as he threw the teacup away. Its existence terminated in a fiery explosion as it hit the wall. “Come, come now. Have a seat and let’s talk about this…”

Twilight shot him a glare. “I’d imagine I would have trouble with that.”

Discord looked over the room. Bright, colorful lamps floated at random intervals around the room, and paintings that seemed little more than bright blotches of color adorned the walls. Most of the furniture was currently floating upside-down a few feet away from the ceiling. Including the chair Discord was sitting on. A rocking chair orbited the center spinning randomly in all directions at a frantic speed.

Discord grabbed his head and pulled it back into place with a snap, using his neck to roll it slightly back and forth. Discord sighed. “Very well. Have it your way.” He snapped his eagle claw, and all furniture and decor vanished, leaving a nearly barren room with the exception of a few plain looking lamps on the walls, the purple alicorn, and Discord himself.

“There! Nice, plain, boring.” Discord said with a sneer. “Just the way you ponies like it.” Discord lowered himself to a horizontal position, lounging on thin air.

Twilight glowered at him, “Fine! I don’t need to sit. But tell me, why did you send Pinkie away and how do we get her back?!” Twilight demanded.

Discord’s eyes rolled in a very literal sense as his mouth pulled into a sneer once more. “Oh, there you go again! You get one lead, and now you’re barking up my tree,”—Discord snapped his claw again and a tree sprouted from the ground, quickly growing to contain him in his lounging position—“and it’s the wrong one.”

“Don’t play games with me Discord! I know it was you who fired that red bolt into the past!” Twilight asserted.

Discord motioned his claw out to Twilight. “Now THAT is a cold hard fact. Still! I’m surprised you didn’t come see me sooner.” Discord snaked out of the tree and slithered across the ground towards Twilight. He sat up as he approached, bringing his head up to Twilight’s face level. He stroked a lion paw across her cheek. “Too scared to talk to Uncle Discord?” Discord pouted. “I’m hurt.”

Twilight glared at him. “Why would I come to see you before?”

Discord quickly sat upright and looked down at Twilight in surprise, “Don’t tell me you couldn’t figure out the clue I left on the computer. It was hardly subtle.”

“Clue? What clue? There wasn’t…”

-oooooooo-<

Dan picked up the mirror and faced it towards the screen, “See, ‘Too purple’? The people got it covered.”

Twilight ignored the comment, simply happy for the progress. “Great, now let’s try to find some clues!”

Pinkie stroked her chin, thinking about the picture and password, “Clues, eh…well…”

Dan placed a hand on his roommate's face and pushed her out of the way. “Clues, shmues. Let’s fire up the internet on this baby.” Dan said with a grin, putting down the mirror and rubbing his palms together.

<-oooooooo->

Twilight glanced to the side with a sneer and uttered an angry. “Dan!”

Discord broke into an uproarious fit of laughter.

“Hehehehehe…” Discord wiped away a tear. “Oh this is priceless! The delicious chaos that man leaves in his wake has been the most fun I’ve had in ages!”

“Wait! So you did plan this!” Twilight accused.

Discord’s grin turned devilish.“Not exactly… I had no idea The Order Keepers would strike, and it took me a while to figure outI had a part to play in their little exile of our mutual pink pony friend. Or already played, such as it were…”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “You know what The Order Keepers are?!”

Discord sighed. “Twilight, this is probably going to be a long, tedious conversation. Why don’t you go get us a couple of comfortable chairs?” Discord motioned to the tree with his lion paw. “The tree is far less comfortable than it looks.”

“Why don’t you just magic some seats?” Twilight shot back.

“Oh, I don’t know Princess, why don’t you just order some servants to bring some?” Discord retorted with a sly grin.

Twilight made a frustrated growl. “You’ll answer my questions, then?”

“Of course!” Discord replied.

“Honestly?”

“Yes, yes.” Discord said, waving his claw at Twilight dismissively.

“And no funny business?”

Discord chuckled. “Don’t ask for promises you know I can’t keep.”

Twilight glared at the Draconequus and stormed out of the room.

Discord steepled his talon and paw together, lightly tapping his digits against each other.

-ooo-

Soon, Twilight returned to the barren room, the tree seemingly having been dismissed. Fluttershy and Flash Sentry followed. A red loveseat, easy-chair, and couch followed the pony procession, held aloft by a purple glow.

Discord smirked. “I see you brought your trump card. But why your beau? Afraid you’ll need the moral support?” Discord asked, cocking his head to the side.

Flash shot Discord and angry look and leveled a hoof at him. “I’m her guard. It’s my duty to protect her.”

“OoOoOoOoOo~! I’m so scared!” Discord exclaimed as he brought his claw and paw up to his smiling face. “What are you going to do if things get to hot? Bring your princess a refreshing beverage?”

“Discord!” Fluttershy rang out. “That’s enough! Behave yourself.”

Discord sighed. “Fine, fine.”

Twilight arranged the furniture in a neat circle around the room. She and Flash sat on the loveseat; Fluttershy climbed onto the easy-chair. The ponies sat down on their haunches. Discord lounged horizontally on the couch.

 “So,” Twilight began, “what did that red blast do exactly?”

Discord smiled again and held a pointed eagle claw up, waving it slightly at Twilight, “An excellent question, my dear. The red blast served to misdirect Pinkie’s intended destination. Additionally, it allowed me to provide her with supplies she would need to survive the unforgiving world she ended up on.”

“Why that world?” Twilight added.

“Well, apparently I had already chosen it, who am I to toy with causality’s merry game?” Discord asked rhetorically with a grin.

“A self-proclaimed master of chaos,” Twilight reminded.

Discord raised his forelimbs up in a shrug, “Fair enough. But by the time I pieced together what had happened, I had no desire to even attempt to change the past. Dan plus Pinkie Pie meant an endless stream of flowing chaos in that world, and what’s more, she seems happy to stay by the side of that little ball of terror. A much better realm than those dull old Order Keepers would have sent her to.”

“Am I to understand you did Pinkie a favor?” Twilight inquired.

Discord rolled his eagle talon claw side up. “But of course!”

“Do you know where she would have been sent?”

Discord nodded.

There was a pause.

“…Care to share this information with us?!” Twilight asked in a frustrated tone of voice.

“Oh, I can do better than that.” Discord snapped his talon and the bare walls and floor gave way to a serene-looking jungle. Fruits and berries adorned all the plants, and a clear stream flowed through the trees and between the furniture arranged on the ground.

“Pretty…” Fluttershy murmured.

“Seriously? Dan’s world is better than this?” Twilight asked motioning to their surroundings.

Discord threw his head back and laughed. “Hahahaha…Twilight, Twilight, Twilight. Always looking at what’s in front of her. Never considering the big picture! It’s not what you see.” Discord waved a hand in front of his eyes; they disappeared from his face. “It’s what you don’t!”

The trio of ponies looked around their surroundings.

“What? It’s peaceful…” Twilight offered.

“There’s nopony else here.” Flash stated.

“Ahhhh…So your beau does have some use.” Discord said, lowering his paw to the ground as his eyes rolled back up it and into their perch on his face. “Yes. It’s a garden of endless fruits, clean water, always perfect weather, and not another soul in the entire dimension. Accommodating only the most basic needs of the occupant. No technology, no tools, and no mirrors or other troublesome devices that might allow someone to contact the occupant. Just the sort of dull place The Order Keepers think would be perfect for a troublemaker while conforming with a type of mercy that they think makes their actions justifiable.” Discord suddenly disappeared from his seat, and reappeared, small, long and limbless, snaking his way through the trees and bushes of the land.“A lifetime spent in solitary confinement in a Garden of Eden, as the humans might say… A paradise that would quickly turn into our young friend’s Hell.” Discord suddenly reappeared upright on the couch, and snapped his fingers turning the jungle into a gloomy, barren place of rocks, holes, and caves. The holes glowed orange as if something fiery laid below them

Discord continued. “How long would it be until our pink pony friend snapped without anypony or anyone to talk to? Years? Months? Maybe only weeks. Her only friends would be the rocks and branches she collected. How long do you suppose it would take her to give into madness?” Discord’s smile faded into grimness across his face. “How long do you suppose it would take her to give up on life?” A noose appeared around Discord’s neck and tightened. Discord’s eyes bulged as he stuck out his tongue.

A visible chill ran across the trio of ponies.

“Okay… I’ll concede that this is much better for Pinkie… and us even.” Twilight said. “Still, it seems rather… deterministic of you.”

Discord smiled and shrugged as his prop disappeared. “As I said, the outcome made me happy. It’s even made Pinkie happy. I can think of no greater alternative than to introduce her to a kindred spirit.”

“Kindred?!” Twilight exclaimed. “They're practically complete opposites!”

Discord waved a talon back in forth as if chastising Twilight. “Oh, there’s that short-sightedness of yours again. I’ll grant that their temperaments are night and day, but they both approach situations with a creativeness and impulsiveness that makes me green with envy!” Discord’s multicolored body changed to green to emphasize the point. “Like it or not, Princess, they seem to really enjoy each other’s company. Two little perfect partners in chaos riding a runaway train neither cares to stop.” Discord mused as his color returned.

Twilight sighed.

They do seem to get along, for the most part. And Pinkie seems really happy to be with Dan even when things get a little too chaotic even for her. Maybe they dounderstand each other on a level none of us can really comprehend…

“Alright, then. Tell me what you know about The Order Keepers.”

Discord frowned slightly. “I’m sorry, Princess. I said I’d answer your questions, not give into your demands.” Discord answered with a dismissive wave of his talon.

“Uhg! Fine. What do you know about The Order Keepers?” Twilight rephrased.

“Quite a bit, I suppose. They’re ancient. Much older than Equestria, or even me.” Discord chuckled. “Which is saying quite a bit. They weren’t always the dull, dark blue clouds of gloom you encountered. I was told they once were a race of humanoids, or some such. Tell me, Twilight Sparkle, how much do you know about magic?”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Is that supposed to be a joke?”

Discord chuckled to himself, “No, no joke. But how much time have you spent thinking about where magic comes from?”

“I…” Twilight began to sweat as if she was taking a test she hadn’t studied for, “…I know unicorns are born with the potential to use magic…”

“Yes, but that ability doesn’t just pop out of thin air,” Discord replied.

Twilight sighed. “Okay, what do you know about magic?”

“Well, I know this entire world is almost composed of the stuff. As am I…as are Princess Luna and Celestia…” –Discord grinned with eyes that narrowed to slits— “… as are you, Ms. Element of Magic.”

Twilight looked visibly shaken.

Flash reached over and put a supportive hoof on Twilight’s, while shooting a glare at Discord.

“Discord…” Fluttershy uttered in a warning tone.

Discord raised his hands apologetically. “Sorry. It was not my intention to unnerve everypony.” Discord’s head inflated as if it were being filled with air. “I’ll get to the point.” He produced a pin and popped his own head.

The room dimmed and in the center a collection of stars and galaxies appeared; as flowing bright blue lines ran through the microcosm of a cosmos, Discord’s disembodied head floated out of the darkness and continued his explanation, “There are paths of magic that travel through all of known existence. Some call them ley lines, dragon lines, etcetera.” Discord said, pointing out the blue lines with his long, thin tongue. “The very planet itself exists in the path of one such line.” Discord’s tongue encircled an area. Suddenly the collection of bright points expanded in size, moving past the occupants of the room as they grew. A small planet with a tiny moon and sun orbiting it floated in the center of Discord’s tongue, a blue, wavy line traveling over and encompassing the heavenly bodies.  “And those that can tap into this power become literal demi-gods of power. Exciting, no?” Discord asked, raising his eyebrows, as his body reached out for his head and screwed it back into place.

Twilight pondered this.

Mental note: See if Discord could help me study this.

…Bring Fluttershy…

“Okay, so Equestria is magic. What does this have to do with The Order Keepers?”

“Excuse me, but can we come up with a shorter name, or an acronym, or something here?” Flash interrupted. “This sinister uttering of the words ‘The Order Keepers’ is starting to get on my nerves.”

“Uhhh…The Keepers?” Twilight suggested.

“TOK?” Fluttershy suggested.

Discord stroked his beard. “I like it. Alright, TOK it is.”

“Alright, so the TOK…” Twilight began.

“No, it’s not THE TOK.” Discord insisted as he waved his lions paw about. “That would be ‘the The Order Keepers.’” Discord said in a mocking tone with air quotes. “That would be silly. It’s just TOK.”

“Fine,” Twilight said in a slightly exasperated tone. “so TOK, what does magic have to do with them?”

“They’re the current occupants of the intersection of all ley lines. The Nexus. A source of unimaginable power. As such, they’ve tasked themselves with the upkeep of all known worlds, at least, so long as that upkeep conforms to their wishes.” Discord explained.

“The Nexus?” Twilight asked.

Discord snapped his claw again and the jungle gave way to a barren, flat, dark, blue, foggy landscape. “This is what it looks like now. How it looked before TOK took over I couldn’t say. I know they’re the ones who turned it into the dark, boring expanse of clouds and nothing you see, forcing their very will upon their surroundings. Uneventful and unchanging.  It suits them quite well.”

“How do you know so much about them?” Twilight asked in a suspicious tone.

Discord smiled. “Another excellent question. They’ve had a hand, or… ”—Discord waved his eagle claw around like limp spaghetti— “… wavy …blue, black …cloud …thing in many of Equestria’s important events. The Princesses of the Sun and the Moon, the Elements and Tree of Harmony…”

“What?! But Starswirl the Bearded… ” Twilight began.

Discord waved his claw dismissively. “Yes, yes, but they’re likely the ones who helped him tap into the great magic well that the planet sits in. A pair of princesses that balance each other and a collection of stones that help restore order when needed, a magic tree the maintains order; their unexciting thought process is written all over such things.”

“But…you’ve encountered them before? I mean…you’d have to if you know all this!” Twilight asserted.

“We disagree on… almost everything, frankly, and planets that sit on or near ley lines tend to get a bit more attention from TOK, as they’re the easiest to keep tabs on from the Nexus and tend to give rise to the largest threats.” Discord put on a bored expression. “They tried a number of tactics to get me to comply with their vision. First talking…then attack.” Discord grinned evilly. “Trouble was, this was my realm at the time. As powerful as they and their minions were, the magic of this world can be used against them. Hence why they ultimately opted for a subtler approach to make sure I was, shall we say…indisposed.

“That’s also why they struck suddenly and unannounced this time around,” Discord continued. “They wanted to relocate Pinkie and head back to The Nexus as soon as possible. It’s safer for them there. They’re practically immortal and unkillable within the energies of The Nexus…not to mention nearly unreachable.” Discord added, shrinking his arms to tiny, T-rex like limbs against his body.

“Okay, but why Pinkie?” Twilight asked.

“Come now, it should be apparent that Pinkie has any number of abilities that don’t seem bound by the laws of nature or magic. TOK must have determined she was a threat, or at least a potential one.”

“A threat?” Fluttershy asked, surprised. “Pinkie Pie would never hurt anyone.”

“Prior to meeting Dan, you mean,” Twilight said as she glanced at the yellow pegasus.

“Well…yeah…that’s probably true…” Fluttershy admitted weakly. “Still, she hadn’t even met Dan yet.” Fluttershy thought back to the day she met Dan. “... And to be fair,” Fluttershy added, “it’s probably usually Dan she attacks.”

“Well, you got me there.” Twilight admitted. “He does tend to have that effect…”

Discord’s limbs returned to their usual size and he raised his paw to his mouth, clearing his throat to regain everypony’s attention. “I didn’t necessarily mean a threat to them, per se.” Discord qualified. “Pinkie disrupts or warps the very fabric of reality.”

“And you don’t?” Twilight asked raising an eyebrow.

“Sadly, my magic, as formidable as it is,is still constrained by certain laws and limitations. Pinkie, on the other paw,”—Discord motioned with his lion paw—“may only be limited by what she wants to do. Not the sort of entity TOK would suffer to let disrupt the universe.”

Twilight crinkled her brow. “So…they were trying to relocate Pinkie to help save the universe?”

Discord paused and went wide eyed, suddenly breaking into fits of laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Twilight demanded.

“HAHAHAHAhaHaha…Sorry, I just don’t think I’ll ever get used to how naive you ponies are. Someone sticks ‘Order’ in their name and suddenly they’re a paragon of goodness.”

“So… what then?” Twilight asked.

“Hmmmm…perhaps it would be better to show you.” Discord waved his lion paw about in the same manner one might to waft smoke or a smell away from themselves. As he did, the blue black fog dissipated revealing an indigo sky of stars.

“Now Twilight Sparkle, you always have that head of yours lost in books. Perhaps you can enlighten us all as to what would cause the cosmos to turn blue.”

“Ha, too easy.” Twilight responded. “A blueshift.”

“…What’s a blueshift?” Flash asked.

Twilight smiled. “Oh! Well you know how the universe is constantly expanding?”

“Uh… sure?”

“That’s a redshift, it’s the state our universe is currently in. A blueshift is, of course, when the universe stops expanding, and in fact, starts to contract in on itself, eventually massing into a giant singularity.”

“Right, forget I asked.”

Twilight blushed slightly with a sheepish grin at Flash and turned back to Discord. “Wait? So they’re waiting for the universe…”

“All universes.” Discord corrected.

“ALL universes to blueshift?!”

“Not quite, they want to universes to come to an end.” Discord corrected.

“That would take…eons! Trillions and Trillions of years! If not longer…and…heck… There’s not even a guarantee a universe would blueshift…it could succumb to heat death, or tear apart in expansion, or…”

Discord held up his talon, signifying for Twilight to stop. “It’s not important how the universes end. Simply that they end.”

“But, that would still take an unimaginable amount of time!”

Discord steepled his fingers. “Ah, my young, young princess. You have much to learn about being immortal. TOK have all the time they need. They’re playing the most boring of boring games,” Discord said with a scowl, “a waiting game. Once a universe’s journey is done, they’re free to rebuild as they see fit, or even just make sure the universe stays dead. As beings which have had potentially trillions of years to keep themselves busy, I’m sure they have imagined or even calculated to the nanosecond the time when all universes shall end.”

“So…Pinkie was going to be exiled because she was potentially going to stave off a great crunch…or heat death…or—?”

“Yes, yes, we’re all very impressed with your astronomy knowledge Twilight,” Discord said, silencing the purple alicorn. “And it’s true to some extent. Pinkie is capable of creating energy out of seemingly nothing. Though, this usually just manifests as harmless physics law breaking here or there. Who knows, they may have simply exiled her because she threw their precious calculation off by a few milliseconds,” Discord said mockingly.

Twilight blinked a few times. “Do you really think they’re that heartless?”

Discord chuckled. “When counting down the eons of time is the only thing you care about, I’m sure disrupting that unimaginably monotonous activity would be considered rather unforgivable.”

“Well… why haven’t they simply tried to send Pinkie away, again?”

Discord shrugged. “I can’t do much more than speculate here…but Dan’s world is quite far from any ley lines. It’s also naturally prone to chaos and events that don’t seem to conform to any governed laws. Less the type of world TOK keep tabs on and more the type they hope ends prematurely when say… an occupant attempts to kill a family of squirrels using a method that would destroy the entire planet’s population.”

“Oh my! Those poor squirrels,” Fluttershy commented.

“Seriously? It’s the squirrels you’re concerned about in that situation?” Twilight asked, turning to Fluttershy.

“Well…I guess other animals would die as well…” Fluttershy added.

Twilight shook her head as if to clear it. “Well, do you know how to get Pinkie back?” she asked Discord.

“If I could do that, I’d have already whisked her and her angry friend here in an instant!” Discord grinned evilly.  “Could you just imagine the chaos those two would cause in Equestria?” Miniature, fiery mushroom clouds exploded across the flat landscape. “I’d never have to create my own entertainment ever again!”

Twilight shuddered. Let’s hope Dan never ends up here…

“Anyhow,” Discord continued, “TOK’s control of The Nexus allows them to control almost all travel between worlds. The only exceptions tend to be special artifacts, such as that mirror you used when you had a human adventure of your own, Twilight Sparkle.”

 Twilight’s heart sank, the prospect of getting Pinkie back having just taken a major blow.

“So… There’s nothing we can do?” Twilight asked.

“Well, if we can somehow determine how to create a similar artifact to the mirror to serve as a gateway for Pinkie…but I’m afraid such things are rare to come by and even more rarely documented.”

Twilight sighed. “Believe me, I know. There’s no info on the mirror that took me to a human world. Starswirl the Bearded destroyed his notes on his own mirror to keep another from being created. Celestia knows how to reopen a closed mirror, but not make one from scratch…” Twilight put on a determined expression, “But I’m not giving up. I’m sure there’s some way we can get Pinkie back.”

“So!” Discord said with a smile, “I trust I’ve answered all your questions to your satisfaction?”

“Just one more.” Twilight said, her eyes narrowing. “Once you figured all this out, why didn’t you come to us instead of waiting for me to come to you?” Twilight demanded as she leveled a forehoof at Discord.

Discord grinned malevolently. “Oh, you know…I have to get my fun from somewhere and I can’t very well go around rearranging cities as I see fit anymore.”

Twilight looked like she was about to retort angrily, but Discord pierced her with a glare and held up his paw. “… Or maybe,” He continued with a serious expression, pointing back at Twilight with an outstretched talon, “I wanted to teach the new princess that being a competent leader means more than simply turning to books and friends when she needs help.”

Twilight’s hoof and expression dropped as she slowly broke eye contact with Discord and looked down at the still-barren floor. His words hitting her hard.

For the first time since her transformation, Princess Twilight Sparkle felt very small.

Flash Sentry leapt off the loveseat and onto his feet. “Now you listen here! Twilight is an excellent leader, and—” Flash was stopped as a purple wing was extended in between him and Discord.

“It’s alright, Flash,” Twilight said softly. “He’s right. When Pinkie was taken, I went straight to my books and the other princesses for help.  It never even occurred to me to ask him for help…”

“But…but, Twilight…”

“It’s okay, Flash. I think I learned what I needed. Let’s go.”

Twilight and Flash looked around.

“Uh…Discord, could you…” Twilight began.

“Of course.” Discord snapped his talons, and the room returned to the bare stone walls it was before.

Twilight and Flash headed for the door. Twilight looked back at the Draconequus on her way out. “Oh, and Discord?”

“Yes, Princess?”

“Thank you,” Twilight said.

Discord smiled and gave a small bow as she parted. “Anytime. My door is always open.”

Fluttershy silently watched the two ponies leave.

“So that’s it?” Fluttershy asked. “Pinkie’s stuck in that world forever?”

“Pfft…Hardly.” Discord replied. “The Order Keepers aren’t ones to let a mistake of theirs go uncorrected, especially one that could continue to disrupt their plans of mind-numbingly boring counting and calculations.” Discord said with a small sneer. “No, I’m quite certain even now they’re quietly trying to track her down. I wouldn’t be surprised if they went so far as to wage war on Equestria if that’s what it takes to send her where they want.”

“War?!” Fluttershy exclaimed, “But you said…”

Discord waved his lion paw at Fluttershy dismissively and lounged back on the couch. “I merely answered the questions our young princess asked of me. I can’t help if she didn’t ask all the right ones.” Discord said with a slight grin.

Fluttershy climbed down from the chair and stared straight at Discord. “I wonder if you would be so callous if it was me stuck on another world,” she said. Fluttershy turned and walked towards the exit.

Discord frowned. “But…you’re different,” he asserted.

Fluttershy glanced behind her and ruffled her feathers. “No. I’m not,” she said simply, breaking into a gallop as she left the room. “Twilight! Wait!”

Discord sighed and shook his head.

I suppose our young princess isn’t the only one who still needs to learn a thing or two. Maybe I should get herto teach me a lesson about friendship…

End Part 4.5

Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance: Chapter 27 Pinkie Vs. Parkour

Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance: Chapter 27 Pinkie Vs. Parkour

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance Chapter 27 Pinkie Vs. Parkour -ooooooo-

Dan looked over at roommate and sighed. “You’re making that face!” Dan stated irritably from the red couch, looking away from the TV set.

“What face?” Pinkie replied from the red easy chair, looking up from her computer with sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips. She was wearing her red and white striped shirt and a part of rolled-up jean shorts.

“The look where I have to do some bizarre, asinine task or you’re going to be a sad, depressing heap for the foreseeable future,” Dan replied. He was wearing the same the same outfit he wore every day, a black ‘JERK’ shirt and a pair of jeans.

Pinkie’s pout increased and she turned the laptop screen to face Dan.

“It’s a shirtless dude jumping around like a ninny…” Dan responded flatly. “Are you upset because you can’t jump around shirtless like a ninny? Because that’s about half of what we do in the apartment.”

“No! I used to be able to do stuff like that!” Pinkie responded motioning to the computer screen.

“…You used to be able to put yourself in in harm’s way by running at cars that were driving towards you?” Dan looked towards the ceiling and turned a palm up. “I mean…that’s irresponsibly dangerous, but I can still film you doing that, if you like.”

Pinkie sat the laptop down and stood up to her feet. “No! I used to be able to slide down stair railings and land on my feet, and jump from roof-top to roof-top! Now I can’t even jump through a first story window without landing on my face on the other side!” Pinkie complained.

Dan stood and walked towards Pinkie, rubbing a hand over his mouth and chin in contemplation, “Hmm, your dismount could use work, but hey,”-- Dan smiled, put a comforting arm around his roomie’s shoulders, and pointed an index finger at her-- “you’re perfect just the way you are.”

“Awww, you’re sweet…” Pinkie replied, looping an arm around Dan’s torso and giving him a little squeeze before parting. “But I miss having a low center of gravity. I miss not being… lumpy.” Pinkie stated, folding her arms across her chest and raised them to emphasize her ample lumpiness.

Dan stared blankly at Pinkie for a couple seconds. “Did I mention you’re perfect just the way you are?”

“Thanks, Dan!” Pinkie said with a smile. “But I can’t even do a cartwheel without a crashtastic finish! See, watch!” Pinkie said as she walked behind the couch.

Dan shrugged. “I’m always up for watching you injure yourself.”

Pinkie stood up straight, put her hands in the air, quickly bent sideways onto her hands, lifted her feet up, and careened directly into the bathroom sink with a startled yelp. “Owie…” Pinkie murmured from her upside-down heap on the bathroom floor.

“Pinkie!” A small voice called out. “Pinkie!”

Dan looked down at the small compact mirror sitting next to what appeared to be a large chrome squirt gun on the crate that served as a coffee table. He bent down and picked it up. “Hey, Sparkler,” he answered.

Twilight looked back at him with narrowed eyes. “Hi, Dan. Where’s Pinkie?”

“Bathroom,” Dan answered. “Can I take a message?”

“It’s sort of…insanely important,” Twilight replied.

“Can’t you just say ‘hecka’ like a normal person?”

“Well, I’m a pony,” Twilight reminded.

“With an insufferably purple color sche…” Dan felt a hand on his face as Pinkie pushed him aside. He fell onto the couch as Pinkie snatched the mirror.

“Hiya, Twilight! What’s up?” Pinkie asked.

“Pinkie! I have something hec…I mean, very important to tell you…”

Twilight told Pinkie and Dan about Discord, The Order Keepers, their goals, and the potential danger they were all in.

“War?!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Awww…you ponies get to war with magical, extra dimensional travelers? I never get to have any fun,” Dan whined.

“Dan, the apartment was infested with radioactive mutant bats not three days ago,” Pinkie reminded. “Mr. Mumbles bit one and was shooting green, radioactive beams out of her eyes, remember?”

Mr. Mumbles trotted out of the bedroom with a “Meow.”

Dan put on a sullen face. “Don’t remind me. I bit one and all I got was radiation poisoning! Why does Mr. Mumbles get all the luck and superpowers?!”

Mr. Mumbles jumped up on the couch and rolled over onto her back, exposing her belly to Dan.

“D’awww…who can stay mad at you?” Dan asked rhetorically, scratching the cat’s belly.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Your cat shoots laser beams…”

“Radioactive beams,” Pinkie corrected.

“Right, radioactive beams out of her eyes? Isn’t that sort of…incredibly dangerous?” Twilight asked motioning out with a forehoof.

“It’s okay, Twilight. We get her some medicine, and…”

Two green bolts of energy shot straight up into the ceiling with a loud ‘ZORCH’.

Pinkie eyes went wide as she turned to see Dan’s face had been mildly scorched. The two roommates then looked up into the brand new, black, smoldering hole in their ceiling.

Dan sighed and picked up Mr. Mumbles. “I’ll give her some medicine.”

Mr. Mumbles hissed and attempted to squirm out of his grasp.

Dan brought the cat into the bathroom with him and closed the door behind the two.

“So…What are you going to do?” Twilight asked.

The sound of Dan screaming erupted from the bathroom along with an angry “Merowowerow!” and a couple more ‘ZORCH’s.

Pinkie sat down on the couch, continuing to hold the mirror at face level. “Well, the vet said--” Pinkie began.

“I meant about TOK,” Twilight specified.

“Oh…well, what can we do?” Pinkie replied. “I mean…they can strike anywhere at any time! It’s not like we can sit around waiting for them to show up!”

The bathroom door flew open, and Mr. Mumbles bounded out and into the bedroom with an angry “Merrooow!” and a hiss.

Dan trudged back towards Pinkie, covered in scratches. His black “JERK” shirt had a couple of fresh holes in it, his hair was standing up as dark smoke wafted up from it, and  his freshly exposed skin was a color similar to his shirt. “What were we talking about, again?” Dan inquired.

“Twilight was asking what we’re going to do if TOK show up.”

“Punch them in their cloudy faces?” Dan offered. “Wait…do they have faces?”

Pinkie shrugged. “They have eyes,” she offered.

“Good enough for me,” Dan replied.

“Dan, you can’t punch magic, ethereal beings in the face,” Twilight declared in a mildly irritated tone.

“Don’t tell me what I can’t punch!” Dan shot back.

Pinkie motioned to Dan with her free hand. “There you go. If they show up to send me away to a boooring dimension, Dan will punch them in the face.”

Twilight brought a forehoof up to her face and gave an exasperated sigh.

“Don’t worry Twilight,” Pinkie said. “If my knee starts getting pinchy, I’ll contact you right away.”

Twilight rubbed a forehoof horizontally across her chin, as she regarded her friend with serious-looking eyes. “Doesn’t that happen a lot over there?”

“Not really,” Pinkie informed. “I think my body got used to the constant attacks by strangeriffic creatures that shoot lightning out of their mouths and burst into flames if you pet them too hard. I think the guy who moved into one of the apartments below us is a mad-scientist-super-villain or something…” Pinkie explained.

“Sounds…terrifying?” Twilight offered.

Pinkie smiled. “He’s pretty nice, actually.”

“If you discount the weekly besieges on our apartment by creatures created by man’s hubris at playing tic-tac-toe with animal DNA,” Dan added. He grinned widely, picked up the chrome squirt gun off the table, and held it nozzle up. “He gave me this gun that shoots acid.” A jet of clear liquid shot up into the ceiling, eating away at the thin material. Dan looked up and frowned. “Though, it has a hair-trigger.”

Pinkie looked up at the now rather exposed pink insulation above them. “The landlord is not going to be happy about this…”

“Uhh…” Twilight said, not sure how to respond to… anything, really.

Pinkie looked back down at the mirror. “What are you going to do, Twilight?” she asked.

 “We’re packing up shop and heading back to Ponyville.”

“Ponyville?” Pinkie asked with an excited smile.

Twilight nodded. “I’ve already pored through every book here! I even took a trip to the Crystal Empire and checked the library there! I even searched the Library at the Castle of two Sisters! But I’m not giving up,” Twilight insisted resolutely. “We’ll get you home somehow,” she asserted.

Pinkie’s smile turned into a small pout as her lower lip quivered slightly. “Home…” she murmured softly.

Dan put a reassuring hand on Pinkie’s shoulder.

Pinkie smiled and looked up at Dan warmly, placing a hand on his.

Twilight made a soft throat clearing sound. “Well, I need to finish packing. The mirror especially.” Twilight said, motioning towards the item in front of her. She smiled. “We’ll take good care of it.”

Pinkie returned the smile.“So the next time I see you, you’ll be in Ponyville?”

“We’ll all be in Ponyville and we’ll all see you there, Pinkie.”

“Oooo! Oooo! We should have a returning home party, then! Or…I guess two, cross-dimensional parties that happen to be taking place at the same time!”  Pinkie said with an excited grin.

“Our dimension gets to supply the music,” Dan insisted.

Twilight’s smile widened as she closed her eyes. “Sounds like a blast.”

Pinkie grinned mischievously. “Oh, it’s a blast, all right.”

“Hey,” Twilight began, “stay safe, you…”

Insulation rained down from the ceiling in giant pink clumps on the two apartment occupants.

“…Don’t die, you two,” Twilight said.

Pinkie brushed some of the pink clumps off of her and saluted with her free hand. “Will do, Princess.”

“I have an invested interest in my continual survival,” Dan stated under a vertical, pink, fluffy pile.

Twilight waved a hoof.

Pinkie returned the wave and shut the mirror as Dan brushed the insulation off of him and sat next to her on the couch.

“So…what now?” Dan queried.

Pinkie’s sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips returned. “I need to work on my balance.”

“Are you still on that?” Dan asked in a surprised tone.

Pinkie stood up. “I can’t very well deal with evil, ethereal, extra-dimensional, energy entities if I’m tripping over my own feet, now can I?”

Pinkie walked into the bedroom, and walked out wearing a pair of pink sneakers. “I’m going to do it!”

“Do what?” Dan asked, crinkling his brow.

“Parkour!” Pinkie replied.

Dan stared at her blankly.

“That jumpy, flippy stuff I showed you off the computer.”

Dan paused and said, “... I’ll give you five minutes before you’re crawling back here to me in need of medical attention.”

“Awww, you’re not coming?” Pinkie said with a pout.

“As much fun as watching you suffer multiple bone fractures because you threw yourself against a wall over and over again sounds, I think I’ll stay here, watch some T.V. and nurse my fresh radiation burns.”

Pinkie scrunched her mouth to the left side of her face. “Fair enough,”  she replied.

She started to walk towards the door.

“Hey, Pinkie.” Dan called out.

Pinkie turned. “Yes, Dan?”

“Take your phone.”

“Sure.” Pinkie walked over to her phone and picked it up. “Why?”

“In case you injure yourself enough that you can’t walk or crawl back and you need me to find you.”

Pinkie smiled, walked over to Dan, and planted a quick peck on his cheek. “You’re the bestest, Dan.”

Dan smiled back. “I know.”

“Righty!” Pinkie resolutely turned to the door, opened it, and shouted “Parkour!” as if it were a battle cry. She stepped into the bright, California sun.

Dan watched as Pinkie closed the door behind her, listened to the sound of sneakers running across the walkway, then to the sound of rubber sliding against metal, followed by a panicked sounding “WAAAAAAAAAH!”,and cringed as he heard a loud ‘thump’ of what was very likely his roommate having a sudden meeting with solid concrete.

“I’m ooooookaaaaay!” He heard Pinkie call back.

Dan shrugged to himself and went back to watching T.V.

*Exactly 4 minutes and 55 seconds later*

Dan turned as the door to the apartment opened. As it did, a petite right hand with pink nail polish slumped forward into the apartment. Dan followed the attached arm with his eyes to see the rest of his roommate’s bruised and battered body, lying face down on the hard walkway.

Dan sighed. “I told you so.”

Pinkie whimpered in reply.

“So ummmm… This show is mostly over.” Dan explained. “Can I help you out when it’s done?”

“I’m nowt gowing anywhere…” Pinkie offered weakly, her mouth muffled by the walkway it was pressed against.

“Sweet!” Dan replied. “You’re the best, Pinkie.”

“I knoww…”

*Exactly 14 minutes and 35 seconds later*

Dan walked over to his roommate, bent down, grabbed Pinkie’s outstretched right arm, slung the arm across his shoulders, and raised Pinkie to her feet. In addition to a bright red indentation from being pressed against the hard ground for so long, Pinkie’s face sported a number of bruises and a large forehead gash.  Dan looked down to see some of the white stripes on her shirt had turned light red in places, and she had a number of fresh cuts and bruises down her bare legs, as well.

“Well…at least no one can tell you you’re not living life to its fullest…or stupidest for that matter,” Dan offered.

Pinkie looked up with large, blue, watery, pained looking eyes. “My entire body feels like excruciagony.”

“What?” Dan said, crinkling his brow.

“’Excruciagony’…excruciating plus agony…Okay, not my best work,” Pinkie admitted weakly.

“So er… I usually don’t suggest this, but…hospital?”

 “That depends. Is my left arm as broken as I think it is?”

Dan removed Pinkie’s right arm from around his shoulder and leaned her against his chest as he examined the other arm. A large bump protruded from her shoulder.

“You’re in luck. It’s just dislocated.”

“And…that’s…good?” Pinkie asked tentatively.

“Well, we can fix it without going anywhere.” Dan informed.

Pinkie perked up slightly, “Oh! How do weEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Without warning, Dan had grabbed Pinkie’s left arm and gave it a hard yank with one arm as he pushed the shoulder back into its socket with his other hand.

Pinkie clutched onto Dan’s shoulders tightly as she hung her head and breathed in long, drawn out breaths.

“How’s that?” Dan asked.

“Agonexcruciating.” Pinkie responded in between breaths. She looked up,. “But…better…somehow… How’d you know how…to do that?”

“Years of practice on Chris.” Dan replied. “You’re covered in bruises, gashes, and cuts, by-the-by.”

Pinkie looked down at her bruised, gashed, and cut body. “I’m covered with bruises…gashes, and…cuts!” She pouted in between breaths.

Dan sighed and trudged to bathroom. “I’ll get some bandages, ice packs, and the Everclear.”

“No, it’s…fine. My…mutant ‘Healing Factor’ is already kicking in.” Pinkie choked out.

“You don’t have a mutant healing factor,” Dan called out from the bathroom.

“Well, sh--”

-o~Some screams, yells, started cat noises, and a cry of “Why, Mr. Mumbles, why?!” Later…~o-

Dan leaned his head down as Pinkie reached up to apply a Band-Aid to a large cat scratch on his cheek, her bandaged head resting on his lap. “So, give up?” Dan asked.

Pinkie sat up on the couch. “I have not yet begun to stupidly injure myself in a smasheriffic fashion for the sake of regaining my lost perfect balance!” Pinkie replied resolutely, her body covered in a random assortment of bandages she held an ice-pack on her left shoulder.

“Pinkie, I really think you should let this one go before you end up in a hospital with a full body cast.” Dan replied.

“Okay, but how cool would it be if instead of smashing my face against the car roof during our next drill, I neatly slipped in feet first through the window from the walkway?”

Dan paused.

“…That…”

“…would…”

“…be…”

“…AWESOME!” Dan replied excitedly.

“So you’ll help?”

“Pinkie, except for a crash course in dance fighting that mostly involved me having cans thrown at me, punching, and jump kicking people, I’m not exactly light on my feet.”

“Oooo! We can get Elise to help! She’s hecka agilic!”

Pinkie reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone.

“Don’t you want to recover first? You did dislocate your shoulder, after all.”

“No way!” Pinkie replied. “Crapy denim, seize the day!” Pinkie replied.

“It’s ‘carpe diem’.” Dan corrected.

“That, too!” Pinkie said, as she touched a green telephone icon on her phone.

Dan sighed.

Yep, it’s definitely going to be a ‘bizarre, asinine task’ sort of day.

Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance: Chapter 28 Pinkie Vs. Obstacle Course

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance

Chapter 28 Pinkie Vs. Obstacle Course

-ooooooo-

“Balance, huh?” Elise mused into the phone. “I think I can help you there. There’s a new military style obstacle course that opened in Pasadena. I’ve been wanting to go there with Chris for a while now. We should all go!”

“Oooo! Oooo! Will there be running? And jumping? And climbing? And…” Pinkie replied excitedly.

Elise smiled. “Yes, Pinkie. And they have multiple courses. We can spend the entire day there!”

“Sounds awesome-possum! We’ll get ready.”

“Great! Chris and I will be there in about an hour!”

“See you soon! Bye-bye!” Pinkie said excitedly.

Elise terminated the call.

Elise exited the bedroom, walked down the hall and into the living room. “Chris! Get changed into workout gear, we’re heading to an obstacle course with Dan and Pinkie.”

Chris looked away from the T.V. with a frown. He had managed to surround himself with an assortment of cakes, cupcakes, and muffins. “But I was going to sit here all day and eat all the baked goods Pinkie had given us while watching T.V.!” he whined.

Elise simply gave him a disappointed look.

Chris sighed, “I’ll go get my Owls workout t-shirt…”

-ooo-

Dan sighed from the couch, “So what bizarre, asinine task did you just recruit us into?”

“Elise is taking us to a military styley obstacly coursey thingy!” Pinkie responded with a huge grin.

“You signed us up for boot camp? Pass.” Dan said, waving has hand about dismissively.

Pinkie’s sad, pleading eyes and quivering lips returned. “Dan, you haveto come! It’s the only way to ensure fun levels will be at max!”

“Well, Max can go die in a fire,” Dan said flatly. “I’m staying here.”

Pinkie tapped an index finger against her chin with a “Hmmmmmmmm…” A sly grin spread across her face. She scooched up against Dan and put an arm around his shoulders, then pushed an index finger against him and started lightly twirling it against his chest. “I’ll buy us something nice if you go out…” she purred, fluttering her eyelashes.

Dan met her big, blue eyes with beady green ones. “You are notgoing to be able to just bribe me with another action figure here.”

Pinkie’s grin widened and she stood up. “Oh, I was thinking bigger this time…” Pinkie walked over to her Laptop, pushed a few buttons, and turned the screen to face Dan.

Dan’s jaw dropped. “A brand new video game console system?! AWESOME…” Dan shook his head to clear it. “I mean, NO! No way. You can’t just appeal to me with rampant consumer whorism!”

Pinkie maintained her smile and looked up to the ceiling, tapping her chin a few more times. “I was also thinking we could upgrade the T.V. We could really use a high-definition flat screen.” Pinkie looked back at Dan, her smile widening. “Don’tcha think?”

“Ghaaaa!” Dan felt the strength of his resolve fade away on its deathbed, its final will and testament leaving everything to his desire to watch high definition T.V. and trounce his roomie at video games. Dan exhaled and hung his head, murmuring a soft. “Fine. I’ll go change into my camo shorts and sneakers.”

Pinkie clapped her hands together excitedly. “Yay!”

“Stupid, lousy, roommate having unlimited amounts of money…” Dan mumbled.

-ooooo-

‘Knock, Knock’

The door slowly opened to reveal the two apartment occupants, covered in bandages, Band-Aids, and a few fresh burns.

“OH MY GOSH, WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU TWO?!” Elise exclaimed.

Dan sighed. “Mr. Mumbles scratched my face up again and shot me with radioactive eye beams.”

“And I threw myself against a brick wall for two minutes straight trying to do a flip off of it,” Pinkie answered cheerfully.

“WHAT?!”

Chris put a sweatband-clad hand on his wife’s shoulder. “Remember how we discussed not asking what happened to Dan and Pinkie anymore?” he reminded.

Elise hung her head and sighed. She looked back up and she asked, “Don’t you two think you’re better off resting and healing then running around today?”

“No way!” Pinkie insisted. “My life has been marked with a distinct absence of awesome backflips off roofs since I gothere! This will notstand!”

“And I want to go home with a new video game system,” Dan added.

Chris grinned slightly. “She bribed you again, huh?”

Dan widened his eyes and threw his hands out. “She sweetened the pot with a new T.V!” he cried as he motioned to himself. “I’m not made of stone!”

“Alright, alright. Just…let me know if you need to stop at any time, Pinkie,” Elise said.

“Aye, aye!” Pinkie responded with a salute.

“Hey! What about me?” Dan asked.

“You can just sit in a heap of pain until we’re done,” Elise responded.

“…bonnacon…” Dan mumbled.

Elise punched him in the arm.

“Ow! What was that for?!” Dan asked as he rubbed his arm

“Dan, Cryptozoology is a hobby of mine. I knowwhat a bonnacon is!” Elise replied, crossing her arms over her blue tank top.

“Really? That’s kinda cool, actually,” Dan admitted.

“What’s a Bonnacon? It sounds like ‘bacon,” Chris stated.

“Believe me, you don’t want to know,” Elise said, putting a hand on her husband’s bare arm.

Pinkie went wide-eyed and trembled a bit, “I’ve seen one before…there was fiery dung everywhere!”

“Uh, I don’t think Bonnacons actually exist, Pinkie,” Elise said.

“Maybe not where you’re from!” Pinkie insisted.

“Hey! I have a sudden urge to avoid this weird conversation!” Chris stated. “Let’s go get that obstacle course!” Chris said, swinging a fist in an arc in front of his chest.

Pinkie looked at Dan excitedly. “Race ya to the car!”

“Uh, I’m good…”

Pinkie bolted out the door, sprinted across the walkway, and jumped onto the stair railing. She immediately lost her footing, fell against the railing with a loud ‘clang’, and slid down the rest of the way until the railing curved and she flew face first into the hood of Chris and Elise’s blue sedan.

“Owie…” Pinkie uttered painfully.

Chris’s and Elise’s jaws dropped.

Dan shrugged and walked towards the stairs. “You win.”

-ooooo-

A tall, muscular man with short black hair, wearing a black tanktop, camo pants, and combat boots approached the group. “Hi! I’m Chet, the manager of this bodacious obstacle course! Who’s ready to get fit, hip, and ripped in a fun and exciting way?” he asked.

“Ooo! Me! ME!” Pinkie exclaimed, raising her hand and jumping up and down excitedly.

“Whoa, there little lady! You already looked like you’ve been through a warzone! Are you sure you’re up for this?” Chet asked, warily eyeing the bruised and bandaged Pinkie Pie.

“No pain, no gain!” Pinkie said with a big grin.

Dan lightly poked Pinkie’s left shoulder, causing her teeth to clench and body to tremor from head to toe.

“What did you gain from that?” he asked.

Elise swatted the back of Dan’s head.

“Ow!” Dan exclaimed.

“What did you gain from that?” Elise asked.

Dan rubbed the back of his head. “Nothing. I already knew you were Lilith incarnate.”

“Why you little…”

Chet put a big, muscly hand each on a shoulder of Dan and Elise. “Love the enthusiasm, but let’s save it for the course!”

Dan swatted Chet’s hand off him. “Get your cold meat hook offa me!”

 Chet paused, staring at Dan for a moment, then put on a smile. “Now, what’s going to be the name of this rocking team?”

“Team let’s go to the mall already,” Dan suggested irritably.

“Team let’s go home and get something to eat,” Chris suggested hungrily.

“Team Awesome Sauce!” Pinkie suggested excitedly.

“I second, ‘Team Awesome Sauce!” Elise said enthusiastically.

Chet grinned. “‘Team Awesome Sauce’, it is,” he replied, writing it down on a clip board. “Alright, girls, you get first run.”

Pinkie smiled wide and bounded off to the obstacle course.

Elise quickly followed.

“Dangit, Chris! You undermined the two party system! You don’t throw your hat into the ring against your own party! It splits the vote!”

“Sorry, Dan. I was never very good at politics.”

“Well your ignorance means we have to do the stupid obstacle course! We could have deadlocked the whole judicial system and filibustered the executive branch!” Dan explained, vigorously motioning with both hands.

“…Dan I’m not sure you fully grasp the three branch system.”

“I understand beating youwith tree branches!”

Chris sighed and looked over the obstacle course. “This is like high school gym all over again.”

Dan tapped an index finger against his chin, and stared out at the course. “I remember it differently, somehow.”

The two watched as Elise expertly ran and stepped over taut ropes, logs, climbed nets, walls, and blazed across the course. Then, they looked back at the start of the course to see Pinkie expertly tripping over every taut rope she came across.

“Well…At least she has spirit.” Chris remarked.

“She’s going to becomea spirit at this rate.” Dan countered.

“At least this seems safer than…whatever the heck she was doing earlier today,” Chris replied.

“Yeah, but she’s so badat it. She’s just going to want to try something else! Then she’ll get seriously injured. And guess who’s going to have to take care of her?”

Chris frowned as he put on a ponderous expression. “Me?”

“WHAT?! Of course not. ME you i!” Dan said angrily. “She’s going to break all her limbs and I’m the one who’s going to have nurse her back to health, cook all her meals, feed her, pour juice for her, bake her cookies, cupcakes and all the other things she likes to eat, play her favorite music, watch her favorite movies with her, wash her, tuck her in at night, and read her a bedtime story.” Dan shook his head with an exasperated exhale. “Horrible, just…horrible.”

Chris raised an eyebrow, “Wow…you’ve umm…really put a lot of thought into this.”

“Look, we have to crush her will to continue!” Dan insisted forcefully.

“That seems…kind of mean.”

 “Chris, sometimes if you care about someone very much, you have to completely destroy their ego so they stop being so stupid,” Dan explained.

Chris narrowed his eyes. “Yes, I can see how that’s a personal mantra of yours.”

“Waaaaah!”

Chris and Dan turned in time to witness Pinkie tripping on a horizontal log placed on the ground. She fell hard onto the logs in front of her. She quickly rose to her feet, announced “I’m up!” and proceeded to trip on the next log, repeating the process.

Chris paused. “Alright, I’m in. What do we do?”

“Simple, we go out there, and we kick her butt.”

“Dan! I am not going to assault Pinkie!” Chris insisted.

“Nice pun, buddy. But I meant kick her butt at the obstacle course.”

“But I suck at obstacle courses,” Chris complained.

“Well, just…suck less than her. Should be pretty easy.”

Chet walked up to the two guys. “Looks like your friend is going to take a while, there.” He said, motioning behind him with a thumb. “Why don’t you two bros get started? Elise is already onto the second course! She nailedthe first one and set a new record!”

Dan looked up at Chris. “Ready?”

Chris gulped. “As I’ll ever be.”

“That’s the attitude we like to see out here!” Chet said with a smile.  “Crapy Denim! Seize the day!”

Dan’s eye twitched.

“Now, go, go, go, go, go!” Chet commanded.

Dan ran to the beginning of the course and started placing his feet as he dodged the taut, tripping hazard ropes.

Chris quickly followed and began gingerly stepping over ropes while throwing his hands out to his sides in a desperate attempt to maintain balance.

It wasn’t long before Dan caught up to Pinkie as she struggled to scale a wall with a rope.

“Hey, Pinkie.” Dan called out has he grabbed his rope and began climbing. “Doing alright?”

From about halfway up the wall, Pinkie responded, “I am a leaf on the wind, watch as I—WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Pinkie lost her footing and slid down the rope still holding it. She quickly got reacquainted with the ground.

“…soar.” Pinkie said, rubbing her bruised and cut body. “Ow! Ow!” Pinkie shook her friction-burned palms and blew on them.

Dan scaled the wall, and looked down at his roomie. “Well…see you at the finish line.”

Pinkie determinedly grabbed the rope, cringing as her hands made contact. She lifted herself up, placed her feet on the rope, bit into it with her mouth, and began scaling the wall by alternating climbing and biting the rope.

Chris soon caught up as well, and tried to catch his breath.

“Hey…huff…Pinkie…huff. Doing okay…there?”

“III FIII,” was all Pinkie could get out through a mouth full of rope.

“What?” Chris asked, raising an eyebrow.

Pinkie wrapped her limbs around the rope tightly and removed her mouth. “I said, ‘I’m fine.’” She bit back down on the rope and continued to climb.

“Wow…that can’t possiblybe sanitary.”

“Chris! Stop lollygagging over there,” Dan called out. “You are the worst lollygagger I’ve ever seen!”

Pinkie removed her mouth from around the rope, “Hehe, ‘lollygagger’…WAAAAAAAAAAH!”

‘THUMP’

Chris frowned, fighting the desire to help Pinkie across the course. No, wait. If I help her she’ll just keep trying and then end up in the hospital…or worse.

Chris grabbed his rope and painstakingly climbed his way up.

Pinkie’s eye twitched, her teeth gritted, and with a look of determination, she reached up and grabbed the rope with hands and teeth, and began her ascent again.

Dan stepped his way through a series of tires and made it to the end of the course. He crossed his arms and looked on impatiently as Chris struggled through the remaining obstacles, tripping on one of the final tires and collapsing at the end.

“Well…you’re terrible,” Dan commented as Chris slowly rose to his feet, “but she’s worse, at least.”

“Dan…I…huff, puff….I’m not sure I can do another one of these.”

Dan threw his arms out to his sides. “You have to! Pinkie’s just going to keep on hurting herself! And I have to drive all the way to Arizona every time we run out of Everclear…Which happens with surprising frequency.”

“Why don’t you just buy rubbing alcohol?”

Dan put on a dumb expression, raised one hand, and moved his fingers up and down in a mocking, blabbering-on manner. “Menahamenahalcohol.”

Chris sighed.

Dan walked over to Chris and elbowed him in the ribs lightly. “Quick! She’s almost here! Act natural.”

“Dan, we’re not doing anything wrong, except for maybe not helping her.”

“Yes, good. Use that!”

Pinkie trudged through the last yards of tires, tripping near the end and collapsing into a heap of rubber. She clutched at the ground and slowly crawled towards the two men.

“How’d I…huff…do?” Pinkie asked as she stood up and attempted to catch her breath.

Dan and Chris looked over Pinkie’s new attire.

“You’re wearinga tire,” Dan informed.

Pinkie’s lower lip quivered and she looked down at the new fashion statement around her stomach. “I’m wearing a tire!” She declared sadly. She struggled to push it off, lost her footing, and fell to the ground with a startled yelp. “Erm… Dan? Could you be a dear and help pull this stupid thingoffame?”

Dan sighed and bent down to help his roommate. “You’re hopeless without me!” Dan grunted as he pulled on the tire.

“I’m working on it!” Pinkie insisted as she pushed on the tire.

The tire flew off with a pop as Dan tumbled backwards. The trio watched the tire roll off a few feet away then catch flame for no particular reason.

…

…As you do.

“Why does everythingkeep doing that?!” Pinkie demanded in a shrill tone.

“So…” Dan began rising to his feet, holding out his hands to help Pinkie up. “How was your first obstacle course?”

Pinkie took Dan's hands, stood up, and laboriously forced a smile onto her face. “Ga-great!” she said stammered. “I re-really think I’m getting the hang of this!”

Dan folded his arms across his chest and crinkled his brow slightly.

Pinkie sighed and looked at Dan with big, sad, blue eyes as her lips quivered. “I hated it. I hated it so much! But it’s over now, and we…”

Chet walked up to the trio, “Alright guys! Good hustle out there! Now onto round two!”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “Can I at least wait until the burning sensation in my…everythinggoes away?” She pleaded.

“Love the burn!” Chet replied.

“Don’t tell her what to love!” Dan shot back angrily.

Chris eyed Chet suspiciously.

“Alright, I’m gonna give you dudes a few minutes’ breather and then I want you all to show me just what lean, mean, obstacle course running machines you can be!” Chet said as he flexed his muscles. He walked off towards the advanced courses.

Pinkie dropper her head with a small sigh and let her arms dangle in front of her. “This bites,” she declared.

“So…” Dan began. “Shall we burn the obstacle course down?”

Pinkie looked up at Dan with a frown. “We can’t do that! Elise is having so much fun!”

“Pffft, forget Elise,” Dan said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“NEVER!” Pinkie replied resolutely.

Dan raised his palms up to face level and quickly flicked them forward. “Fine! But are we at least done with this stupid balance thing?” Dan asked.

Pinkie look at Dan with a face packed with resolve. “No way! I just need to find that one thing that’s going to help me sort out my balance.”

Dan put a comforting arm around Pinkie’s shoulders. “Hey. You’ll get it eventually. It just takes time.”

Pinkie shook her head. “If life has taught me anything it’s that you just need to find that one thing you’re good at and then everything will magically fall into place!” Pinkie insisted.

“Uhh…” Dan trailed off, unsure of how to respond.

“Hey, Dan,” Chris said as he rubbed his chin, his eyes following Chet into the distance. “Does Chet remind you of anyone?”

“Yes,” Dan replied, “he reminds me of every musclebound idiot who’s obsessed with physical activity.”

“Well…yeah. But doesn’t he seem pretty much exactly like Chad from the gym, just with different colored hair?”

Dan pondered this. “You know, you’re right, Chris!”

“Who’s Chad?” Pinkie asked.

“You know that big, metal paperweight I have?”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Dan. “Chad is a paperweight?” Pinkie pondered this for a moment. “I guess that explains why your paperweight has a face,” she said, tapping an index finger against her chin and looking up into the sky.

“Well, he is now! But he used to be a robot. An evilrobot who captured Chris and Elise and forced them to exercise to power an army of other evil, muscled robots including Chad.” Dan looked at Chris. “I saved them, of course.”

Chris sighed. “Yes, Dan. You only remind us every chance you get. Look, what if Chet is an evil robot?”

Dan shrugged. “Well, let’s kill him and find out!”

“Dan, we can’t just kill people beforewe figure out if they’re evil robots or not,” Chris responded.

“Awww! Come on!” Dan cried. “We could be in danger here!” he turned to Pinkie. “Back me up here, roomie.”

Pinkie crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. “No, Dan. We’re not going to kill people just because they remind us of evil robots.”

Dan thought for a second. “Well…if we prove he’s a robot, then can we kill him?”

Pinkie closed her eyes and nodded. “That would be acceptable.”

“And THEN will you help me burn down the obstacle course?”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes into narrow slits. “Don’t be ridiculous…OF COURSE I’ll help you burn down the obstacle course! I HATE it.”

“Huh?” Chris said in a surprised tone. “But you said—”

Pinkie interrupted him, “Elise is potentially running around so she can be captured by robots and forced into robot powering servitude. Burning this place down would practically be a public service!”

Dan smiled and raised a hand to playfully ruffle the hair on his taller roommate’s head. “You’re learning so well!”

Pinkie cocked her head slightly with a smile. “Aren’t I?”

“Guys,” Chris spoke up. “I’m not sure if burning this place down is such a hot idea.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe, ‘hot’.”

“What is it with you and puns?” Dan asked Chris with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh yeah.” Pinkie piped up. “I just remembered that Elise said there’s enough courses here to keep us busy the entire day.”

Chris paused. “…So? How do we figure out if Chet is a robot?”

“Oh!” Dan spoke up. “His hand was really cold when he touched my shoulder earlier!”

“Well…that’s pointing towards robot, but not really solid proof,” Chris stated.

“Oh, come on!” Dan whined.

Pinkie pulled out a giant, novelty sized, ‘U’ shaped, magnet. “We can see if this sticks to him!”

“Wait…do you just carry that around with you wherever you go?” Chris asked in disbelief.

“Nopers!” Pinkie replied. “Only when I need to check for robots…or like… stick myself to a car for chasing purposes,” Pinkie explained.

“But…where do you even KEEP that giant thing?!” Chris asked.

Pinkie motioned to her rolled up, denim shorts. “I have pockets!” she pointed out.

“But…” Chris felt Dan reach up and place a hand on his shoulder.

“I’ve learned it’s just best not to ask too many questions when it comes to Pinkie,” Dan said. “Your head will hurt far less.”

“Okay, fine! We have a giant magnet somehow. How do we take on Chet if he’s, in fact, an evil robot?” Chris inquired.

Dan pondered this. “Does Elise carry any weapons in the car?”

“Normally, no,” Chris replied. “She carries them on her. However, she had to leave them all in the trunk because she’s wearing a tank top and sweat pants without pockets.”

Dan excitedly rubbed his hands together. “Alright, let’s check the trunk and see what we got.”

The trio made their way to the car. Chris unlocked and opened the trunk, revealing an arsenal of mediaeval weaponry and modern firearms.

Dan paused briefly as he stared at the weapons cache before him. “…Elise walks around with all this stuff on her personage, and you were hassling Pinkie Pie about the magnet?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah… well… I should really just learn to stop asking questions,” Chris admitted.

“I’m proud of you, Chris,” Dan said as he put a hand on Chris’s back. “This is a big step for you.”

“Ooo! Shiny!” Pinkie said, looking into the trunk.

“I call battle-axe!” Dan said, grabbing a double bladed battle axe that was roughly as big as him.

“Mace, please!” Pinkie said.

Chris handed Pinkie a metal shaft with a medicine ball sized spiked end.

Pinkie grabbed onto it and quickly fell to the ground with an “oof” as Chris let go of the heavy item.

Chris looked back to the trunk and rubbed his chin, weighing his options. “I think I’ll take the Claymore.” Chris reached down and pulled out a large, five foot long sword.

Dan helped Pinkie to her feet.

With a determined “Grrrrrrr…” Pinkie raised the giant mace and rested the shaft on top of her right shoulder.

“Alright, everyone ready?” Dan asked as he pulled the battle axe close to him with both hands.

Pinkie held raised her magnet with a free hand and Chris raised his sword high into the sky. “Ready!” The two declared in unison.

“Alright. Let’s go see what Chet is really made out of.” Dan announced with an evil, toothy grin.

-ooo-

“Great hustle, Elise!” Chet exclaimed. “That’s another record! Just one more course and you’ll be the record holder for the entire compound!”

Elise gave herself a little fist pump. “Yes! Oh, hey Chet? Have you seen my husband and two friends? Are they still way back there?”

“Oh yeah.” Chet said. “I think they may still need to start on course two! Why don’t you get started on the final course and I’ll check up on them.”

Elise smiled. “Sounds like a Plan, Chet!” She quickly ran off towards the final course.

Chet turned. “Now, where can those three have ran off…”

‘CLANK!’

Chet stared down at the giant magnet now affixed to his torso.

“Get him!”

Chet looked up to see a trio of angry, and more importantly, armed individuals rapidly approaching him.

“No wait!” Chet cried as he placed his hands in front of him. “There’s a perfectly reasonable—”

With a wide, horizontal swing. Dan buried the axe into Chet’s upper arm. It sliced into the arm a few inches showering the area with sparks and leaving a large tear that contained recently cut wires and exposed pumps and pistons.

“Why you tiny meat-bag-zzzzURK!” Chet was interrupted as Chris trust a several foot long blade through Chet’s chest.

Chet reached out to nab his two attackers, but stopped as he heard a shrill cry.

“Ayiyiiyiyiyiyi!”

Chet looking up just in time to see a pink haired girl lift a giant, spiked mace off her shoulder and bring it down on his head with a loud ‘CRUNCH’.

Chet collapsed to the ground, revealing a large concave dent where the top of his head used to be.

Many more dents and holes here added to his robotic body as the three combatants hacked, sliced, and smashed his body with their weapons.

“Huff…Puff…Alright…I think we got him,” Chris said, dropping his sword.

Dan and Pinkie continued to take a few more swings with their weapons.

Dan also worked on catching his breath. “Great… huff… now get… puff… the gasoline… Chris.”

Pinkie uttered a few more frustrated cries and swung her mace onto Chet’s shattered, metal torso a few more times.

Chris paused. “I didn’t bring any gasoline.”

A toothy grin appeared on Dan’s face. “What do you mean, you brought a car full of the stuff.”

Chris’s shoulders dropped and he sighed. “I’ll get the hose…”

-ooooo-

With one last burst of energy, Elise sprinted to the end of the final course. Slightly winded, she bent down started to catch her breath. “How’d I do, Chet?”

There was no answer.

Elise looked up to discover that all of the courses, including the course she had just finished, were at least partially engulfed in flames.

Elise’s eyes went wide as she scanned the surroundings for the rest of her group. She spotted the back of the short, man with short, black hair, and the woman with long, pink, curly hair standing next to the blue sedan they had all arrived in. The two were staring out into the flames as Pinkie produced a few sharpened sticks and a bag of marshmallows. Chris was sitting down on the grass next to them, having a coughing fit.

“Okay. Nowit reminds me of high school gym,” Dan commented.

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! PINKIEEEEEEEEE!” Elise roared.

Dan and Pinkie flinched like two children who had just been caught by their parents doing something they weren’t supposed to do. They turned to Elise, fake, innocent grins hastily plastered onto their face.

“WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE?!”Elise demanded.

“Uh, it burnt down,” Dan offered.

“Because of an… accident... that happened,” Pinkie added.

“That made it…burn down,” Dan continued.

“Well, I can see that it’s burnt! What I want to know is; How’d it get burned?!”

Dan paused. “How did what get burned?”

“THE OBSTACLE COURSE! How’d it get burned?! HOW’DITGETBURNED?!”

“Elise, wildfires happen all the time in California!” Dan explained. “It’s just nature’s way of resetting things when something grows out of control.”

“Oh, please!” Elise said in an exasperated tone. “There was nothing natural about this!”

“Exactly!” Dan said, raising an index finger. “Hence why naturehad it destroyed. We should all be happy that Mother Nature’s wrath was satisfied with claiming just this one giant obstacle course compound.”

Elise closed her eyes, made a frustrated “Graaaaaah!”, and clutched at her hair. As she was getting nowhere in record time with Dan, she moved to an easier target.

“Pinkie?!” Elise said in a commanding tone. “Did you help burn down the obstacle course?!”

Pinkie nervously looked from side to side as the side of her mouth pulled into a pensive grimace. “Well… I… erm… that is to say… that...” Pinkie held up the bag of marshmallows in front of her. “… Marshmallow?”  she asked as she forced a pensive grin on her face.

Elise closed the distance between the two girls to a handful of inches and stared Pinkie down with, large, angry, violet eyes. “Did you or did you nothelp burn down the obstacle course? Tell the truth!”

Pinkie’s eyes increased the speed of their nervous looking back and forth. “Chris syphoned the gas we used from the car!” she blurted out.

“WHAT?! CHRIS!”

“Heeeey…cough…no snitching!” Chris said from his spot on the ground.

“I can’t believe the three of you!” Elise stated, rubbing the tips of her fingers against her temples. “I can’t believe Chet let you three do this!” Elise paused and looked around. “Wait? Where’s Chet?!”

“Oh! Well, he’s in the trunk!” Pinkie explained.

“WHAT?!Don’t tell me you three knocked him out and threw him into the trunk!”

“What are we, savages?!” Dan asked angrily. “We dismembered him and threw him into the trunk!” he corrected.

“YOU DID WHAT?!” Elise exclaimed, completely shocked.

Dan shrugged. “Go big or go home.”

“THAT IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE USE OF THAT PHRASE!” She tried to process what Dan had just said to her and how much trouble her husband, Pinkie, and to a lesser extent, Dan now might be in. “Okay…here’s what we do. We find Chet’s car, load his corpse into the trunk, and then we drive that to a garbage dump where we’ll—”

Chris spoke up, “Elise. Maybe you should seeChet first.” Chris stood up and opened the trunk to the car.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank you merciful God!”

“Oh yeah. Chet is a robot.” Pinkie remarked, glancing at the sky and rubbing her chin. “I guess we should have told you that first.”

Elise slowly gained control of her breathing. “… So why is he in the trunk?”

“Oooo!” Pinkie spoke up. “I have a friend who’s going to completely geek out when she seesa real life, dead robot!”

“Alright, fine… but did you threehaveto burn down all the courses?!”

“I think you know that we did,” Dan said.

Pinkie and Chris nodded somberly in agreement.

“But…But I had just beat the record on all of them!” Elise explained, flinging out her arms to the sky.

“You should be thanking us, then,” Dan explained.

Elise’s eyes narrowed. “How you figure that?”

“Now no one will be able to take your record away from you,” Dan argued.

Elise’s eyebrows furrowed. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger.

Pinkie sighed. “I stillneed to work on my balance!” she declared squeakily.

“Can we figure out something that Elise isn’t good at?” Dan suggested.

Elise smirked. “Sorry, Dan. I’m incredibly fit and agile thanks to constant training and on the job working out. There’s probably nothing we can go to that I wouldn’t be good at.”

“Oh, hey! We should go ice skating!” Chris said.

Elise frowned. “Except that.”

“No!” Dan said. “That’s an abysmal idea!”

“You said you wanted something that Elise wasn’t good at, and she’s a terrible ice-skater!” Chris insisted.

“Hey!” Elise protested.

“What? You are!” Chris reminded.

Elise sulked. “Okay, but you don’t need to tell everybody!”

“When I said that, I meant something I’m also not terrible at,” Dan qualified.

Pinkie piped up. “Besides, Chris! It’s sunny, warm, and bright! Where are we going to find ice?”

“Uh, Pinkie? You do know there are indoor ice-skating rinks, right?” Chris asked.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed shrilly. She turned to Dan and lifted the short man up to her face level by grabbing onto the collar of his shirt and raising him up. “WHY WASN’T I INFORMED?!” she demanded angrily.

“Pinkie…you’re hurting me,” Dan said meekly.

Pinkie shook Dan a few times and stared him directly in the eyes. “TELL ME!”

“Ummm… er… It never came up in casual conversation?” he offered with a nervous smile.

Pinkie’s eyes widened and she let go of her grip, allowing Dan to collapse to the ground. “Oh…I suppose it hasn’t…”

Dan grumbled as he picked himself off the ground.

Chris smiled. “I say, we vote on it.”

“I vote we just go to the mall already!” Dan said.

“I vote we go home and get something to eat before anything else gets destroyed,” Elise said.

“I vote that we grab a change of clothing, grab some food, and go ice skating,” Chris said.

“Yay!” Pinkie said, “I vote that thing that Chris said!” she said excitedly.

“Dang it, Elise!” Dan shouted.

Elise offered Dan a shrug. “What!? How was I supposed to know he’d change his vote and attach ‘grab some food’ to his bill.”

“You’d make a terriblevizier, Elise!”

“Dan, there are no viziers in a democracy,”  Elise said.

Dan put on a dumb expression, raised one hand, and moved his fingers up and down in a mocking, blabbering-on manner. “Menahamenahademocracy.”

Chris happily opened the driver’s door to the car and sat down.

Pinkie also opened one of the back doors to the car and sat down, giddily bouncing on her seat in excitement.

Dan and Elise shared a sigh and slowly climbed into the car with grumpy expressions on the faces as they contemplated what was likely to be an embarrassing and painful continuation to the day for them.

Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance: Chapter 29 Dan Vs. Ice Skating

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance Chapter 29 Dan Vs. Ice Skating

****

Authors notes: Because I'm a glutton for punishment and being forced to fix formatting, there are not one but two songs in this chapter.

Flogging Molly's Devil's Dance Floor

Queen's Don't Stop Me Now

Edit: Which have since been removed as per the rules.

I strongly advise following the link here. Large swaths of this chapter are practically worthless without the music.

****

“Oooooo! ‘Pairs Figure Skating Competition tonight’! Dan! Dan! We should totally enter that! It sounds like fun!” Pinkie said, looking up at a large sign as Chris pulled the car into the lot of the skating arena.

Dan raised an eyebrow at his roommate who was sitting across from him in the backseat. “Fun like the obstacle course was supposed to be fun?”

Pinkie smiled and shook her head, “I know this will be fun. I was born to ice skate almost as much as I was born to party!” She said enthusiastically.

Chris pulled the car into an empty spot and the occupants exited. Dan, Chris, and Elise were back in their regular attire, with a few minor changes to account for the cool temperature of the skating rink. Dan simply donned his green jacket; Chris had swapped out his orange shirt for a puffy, orange vest and was wearing a white, long sleeved shirt under his blue one; and Elise had put on a leather jacket.

Pinkie, of course, opted to change her entire outfit. She was now wearing a long sleeved, pink shirt with her cutie mark featured prominently on the chest and white and pink striped arms, a pink skirt, and white and pink striped leggings that matched the stripes on her arm. Additionally, she was wearing a pink jacket. The outfit covered the vast majority of bruises and bandaged cuts and gashes that covered her body from a day of constant tripping and flinging herself into solid objects. Only a large, white bandage wrapped around her head was partially visible under her massive mop of pink, curly hair.

Dan looked at his roommate as they approached the skating rink. “Born to party?” He said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes! It was my…destinWHAAAAAAAAA.” Pinkie said dramatically before tripping over her own feet. She was back up in an instant.

Dan paused. “Yeah, it’s starting to look like having an ice skate removed from your abdomen is your destiny.” Dan reached a hand up to his roommates shoulder.

Pinkie turned to face him.

“Look…I can tell this means a lot to you,” Dan began, “but you’re lucky you haven’t broken anything at this point. I really think you should stop before you seriously injure yourself.”

Pinkie paused. A smile slowly grew across her face. “Dan, are you actually worried about me?!”

Dan retracted his hand with a surprised look. “I…NO…it’s just…if you get injured you won’t be able to make lactose-free baked goods for me. Also, shut up.”

Pinkie’s smile widened and she leaned in closer to Dan, “I know full well that you’ve helped me enough times to know how to make all that stuff yourself.”

Chris and Elise had paused to watch the scene unfold before him.

“Are we sure Dan hasn’t been replaced by an imposter?” Elise whispered to her husband, her arms wrapped around one of his.

Chris shrugged, “I guess Pinkie just brings out the best in him.” Chris commented.

“I didn’t think Dan had a best.”

“He can be good when he wants to.” Chris said, motioning to Dan with his free hand. “…Which, admittedly, isn’t very often.”

“Hey!” Dan protested to Pinkie. “I only help you to keep you from setting yourself on fire with the oven.” He insisted.

Pinkie’s smile grew wider still and she closed the distance between their faces to an inch. “So, you do get worried about me.”

“I…erm…what I meant to say was…”Dan stammered out, nervously looking to the side as if the words he wanted to say where somehow written a few feet away from him.

He stopped as he felt the warm embrace of his roommate envelop him.

Pinkie whispered a soft, earnest “Thank you.” into Dan’s ear, and then parted slightly, holding Dan at arm’s length. “But this is something I have to do.” She insisted with a determined look in her eyes. “But…” Pinkie trailed off. “You’ll take care of me on the off chance I do seriously injure myself, right?” Pinkie asked, with big, blue, pleading eyes.

Dan raised an index finger. “Only on the condition that I get to write inappropriate things on your casts in permanent marker.”

Pinkie removed her hands, spit into one, and held it out. “Deal!”

Dan spit into his own hand and gave Pinkie’s a shake with a smile.

“Oh no...” Elise murmured as her eyes went wide.

“What?” Chris asked.

“I just realized how cute they are together.” Elise stated.

“Yeah, so..?”

“I think…I think I ship Dan and Pinkie Pie.” Elise said with a small, panicked tone.

“You’re shipping your friends? Well, that’s kinda odd, but nothing to get upset about.”

“No Chris, you don’t understand! Now I’m overcome with a desire to see them kiss!”

“Uh…”

Elise raised her palms to her cheeks. “Oh gosh! This is like X-Files all over again…” she mumbled.

“What the heck are you two babbling on about over there?” Dan asked as Pinkie and he approached the couple. “What’s this about a kiss?”

“I…uh…” Elise searched for something convincing to say. “I was just talking about…kissing my husband. Because I love him!” Elise smiled and looked up at Chris. “Come here… sweetiekins.”

Chris chuckled, “Of course, honey-bunches-of-oats.”

Elise leaned up to give her husband a passionate kiss.

“Ewww! Save that gross stuff for when you’re behind locked doors and boarded up windows.” Dan complained.

Pinkie giggled, clutching her hands under her chin, “Hehe…I ship them.”

Dan cocked his head at Pinkie. “You ship your friends? You’re sick.”

“Well…they’re married and canon. It’s not as weird as them being from two completely different series that a network decided to pair up for some reason, or something.” Pinkie said, looking out straight ahead into space.

Hey! You leave my readers alone.

“Oh, I wasn’t looking at them.” Pinkie said with a knowing grin.

…

“Who are you talking to?” Dan asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Pinkie smiled. “The fourth wall.” She answered.

“…You are so bizarre.” Dan said. He sighed. “Come on, let’s get this painful experience over with.”

The four continued walking towards the ice rink, leaving the handsome, AND NOT WEIRD AT ALL, author to continue his writing in peace.

…Ah, who am I kidding? I’m almost 30 and my wardrobe is 50 percent FiM, Transformers, Star Wars, and anime t-shirts…

Wait…where was I?

Uhhh…

Ice skating rink, right…

Chris opened the door to the rink and held it open for his wife and two friends. Pinkie bounded up to the counter. “Four, please! Ooo! Where do we sign up for the pair figure skating?”

A bored looking, male cashier answered. “Here. It’s twenty five dollars per couple and another fifty two for admission plus skate rental for four people.”

Pinkie eagerly took out her wallet and handed the man a hundred dollar bill as he handed her a piece of paper on a clipboard to fill out.

“Ha! You’re renting skates and entering the competition?” An effeminate voice called out. The four looked up to see a young woman with long, red hair with fiery yellow highlights wearing a light purple shirt that prominently featured a sun made out of the same two colors of her hair. Over that she wore a black, leather jacket with a studded collar. An orange skirt with a light purple and yellow stripe going down the side hung around her waist, and under that, leggings with a red and yellow fiery pattern went traveled down to her black boots with a flaming purple design on them. A pair of black and purple ice skates dangled from a hand she held at face level with the wrist bent upwards.

She regarded Pinkie with light green, mocking eyes. “This competition isn’t for amateurs, you know.”

“Actually, it’s specifically for amateur skaters.” A masculine voice called out. The voice belonged to a young man with spiky, blue hair wearing a white tee-shirt adorned by a simple crest that alternated for quadrants of light blue and blue with a large, yellow lightning bolt in front of it. He also wore a black jacket with a large white and smaller red horizontal stripe going across the chest and arms. Worn blue jeans went down his legs, rolled up at the end. White and black sneakers finished the ensemble. Simple black and white ice skates dangled loosely by their laces in his hand at his side.  “And you really should be nicer to strangers, Sunset.” He said, looking at the red head.

“Heh.” Sunset swatted some of her long, red and yellow hair behind her shoulder. “It’s an open competition. Not my fault they let any riff-raff compete against us competent skaters.”

“I’m a competent skater!” Pinkie insisted. “I’ve been skating since I was a little filly!”

Everyone paused at the odd turn of phrase and stared at the pink hair girl.

Pinkie extended a hand out to Sunset. “My name’s Pinkie Pie. Sunset, was it? That’s a pretty cool name.”

Sunset ignored the hand. “Certainly better than Pinkie Pie.”

“HEY!” Dan cried out angrily, placing protective hands around Pinkie’s arms. “Why don’t you slink back to your fiery hole in the ground? She didn’t come here to be harassed by a glory hungry succubus.”

Sunsets eyes narrowed at Dan and her mouth changed to a grimace, quickly changing back to an unfriendly grin. “And who’s going to make me, little man? You?” She said in a mocking tone, leaning in closer to Dan.

With one quick motion and a flick of a wrist, Sunset was suddenly staring at a lit, golden zippo lighter held inches from her face. “Drop the ‘tude, Queeny, or I’ll help your hair match the rest of your outfit.” Dan said threateningly.

Chris quickly put himself in between Dan and Sunset. “Hey Dan, how about we not get ourselves kicked out or arrested before we get to skate?”

Sunset glanced at the sheet of paper Pinkie was filling out. Sunsets smile reappeared as she regarded the short man. “Dan, eh? Don’t tell me you’ve been skating since you were a ‘little filly’, too?” She asked mockingly.

“That’s none of your G.D. business.” Dan shot back angrily.

“Heh. That’s a ‘no’ then. You two should just quit now before you embarrass yourselves. Pink girl is probably better off with the big, dumb looking guy here.”

“Heeeey!” Chris protested.

Elise’s eyes narrowed.

“Alright, Sunset. That’s enough.” The blue haired man insisted forcefully.

“Oh, Flash. I’m just trying to save these two from public ridicule.” Sunset said, her smile widening.

Flash snatched Sunset’s arm and started to drag her away. “Come on, let’s just go practice.”

Sunset quickly moved her arm out of Flash’s grasp. “Fine! Just make sure you clear out plenty of space for us. I’m tired of having little brats getting tripped up in our death spirals.”

Flash sighed as the two walked off and looked back apologetically at the four.

Dan looked at Pinkie. “Are you, okay?” He asked.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” Pinkie asked.

“Well, that demoness said some pretty disparaging things.” Dan explained.

“Oh, I don’t care about that. I’m just here to have fun!” Pinkie explained with a smile and dismissive wave of her hand.

“Okay, but how cool would it have been if I actually set her hair on fire?” Dan said, grinning.

Pinkie giggled, “Pretty cool. But I would like to try skating before we all start a round of rampant law breaking and assaulting people.”

“FINE!” Dan said in a whiny, exasperated tone. “THEN can I set her hair on fire?”

“Dan, you can’t just go around setting every person’s hair on fire if you don’t like them. Los Angeles would become the bald capital of the whole wide world if you did that!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Oh, but it’s okay to shoot pancakes at them?” Dan countered with raised eyebrows.

Pinkie frowned. “That was different! She stepped in front of a loaded pancake thrower! People should really know better than to stand in front of siege weaponry.”

“I hear that.” Chris commented.

Dan sighed, “Alright, fine. Let’s just make sure we beat her.”

“Dan, it’s not about winning! It’s about enjoying ourselves!” Pinkie insisted.

Dan grumbled quietly to himself.

“I agree with Pinkie.” Chris said.

“Well I don’t.” Said Elise. “Come on, Chris. Let’s sign up.”

Dan and Pinkie smiled. Dan grinned an evil toothy smile and Pinkie beamed a happy, excited smile.

“Huh?” Chris regarded his wife, his eyes narrowing slightly. “Are you sure?”

“I’m suddenly overcome with a desire to beat that red headed floozy…” Elise explained, “Um…at ice skating.” She added hastily.

“Well, okay…” Chris said going up to the counter. “…but you hate ice skating.”

“We have some time to practice before the competition.” Elise argued. “I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it by then…”

Chris looked over his wife with an unsure look, and turned to the sign-in counter.

**

Chris stepped out into the ice as he held both his wife’s hands. “Alright, we’ll take it nice and slow. Let’s start with a few laps.”

“Chris! Slow and steady isn’t going to let us win, we’re going to haWAAAAAAAAH!” Elise immediately lost her footing and slipped to the hard ice as her skates touched the slippery substance.

Chris bent down and helped his wife up to her feet. She stumbled a few times, then fell into him. Holding herself up by wrapping her arms around her large husband’s torso. “Or…slow…slow is good.”

Chris smiled as Elise slowly pushed herself away from him, and held his hand as they skated a few feet and she went crashing to the ground once more.

“Uhhh…you know, what, honey? Why don’t you just do your own thing for a while, and I’ll catch up.” Elise said with a smile as she laid on her back on the ice.

Chris looked down at his wife. “Are you sure?”

“Sure, I’m sure!” Elise insisted.

“…Do you at least want me to help you up?”

“No no…I’ll get it. You go have fun.” Elise said with a wide, upside-down smile.

Chris smiled. “Alright, sweetie! See you on the rink!” Chris skated off, quickly accelerating into a blazing speed as he made his way around the rink.

Elise let out a loud sigh and continued laying on the cold ice.

“Now, now…let’s just go slow. No need to rush this, you’re doing fine.” A wobbly Dan said, holding onto the hands of an equally wobbly Pinkie Pie.

“Dan! I’m fine!” She insisted. “I’m just getting a feel to the ice. That’s all.”

“That’s all, nothing! Look at you! You can barely stay on your feeeaAAAAAAAH!” Dan lost his footing and fell to the ice, dragging Pinkie with him. The two landed on their stomachs and slid a bit in a heap until they were stopped by Elise who had elected to stay on the ice.

“Hehehe!” Pinkie giggled. “Hey, Elise! Having fun?”

“Oh…the time of my life.” Elise said flatly, looking up towards the ceiling.

A voice rang out over the loudspeakers. “Well, I hope you’re all having an ice time out there and enjoying the ice weather!”

Dan looked up, “Did…did that man just make the same horrible pun twice in one sentence?”

“Hehe, ‘ice’.” Pinkie said.

“DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM!” Dan commanded.

“Dan, I don’t think he can hear her.” Elise commented

Pinkie slowly climbed to her feat, putting her arms out for balance.

Suddenly, a blue and orange Chris blur approached, jumped, and spun his body twice before skates touched the ground and Chris continued at a rapid pace down the rink.

“Ooo! Ooo! I wanna try that!” Pinkie said, slowly skating after Chris.

She looked back at Dan and Elise. “Er…you two coming?” She asked.

“No.” Dan replied. “I’m doing a great job of getting a feel for the ice from down here.”

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “Alright, see you two out there.” Pinkie continued her wobbly journey down the ice.

Dan sighed. “Ten bucks says she breaks a leg.”

Elise raised an index finger. “I’ll bet ten on her arm.” She responded.

The two looked up as Sunset rapidly approached, and just as rapidly stopped, spraying the two with ice. “You two do know that ice skating involves actually skating, right?” She asked, it becoming increasingly clear that ‘mocking’ was her default tone of voice.

Elise and Dan wiped ice off their faces and glared up at her.

“Hey!” Elise shouted out. “My husband and I are going to mop the floor with you out on the ice.” Elise, rotating her body and attempting to lift herself up with her arms.

Sunset snickered and smiled a wide grin showing all her teeth, she lowered her body to get closer to Elise. “Don’t tell me you entered, too. Now there’s four people who are going to go home in tears.” Sunset flicked Elise’s chin with an index finger. Quickly standing up to get out of Elise’s reach.

Elise made a frustrated growl. “Come on Dan. I know places we can send her where she’ll never be found again!”

Dan smiled, “Works for me.”

Dan and Elise unsteadily stood up on their skates, desperately clinging to each other for balance and quickly finding out the neither was very surefooted. The two quickly ended back in a heap on the ice.

Sunset lifted a hand in front of her mount and began laughing. “Hahahaha. I can’t believe you two think you have a chance, let alone are even out on the ice. Your partners would have to be professionals for you two to even stand a chance.”

Chris rapidly approached the group, a giant smile adorning his face. “Triple Salchow!” He called out. He jumped from the back inside edge of a skate, rotated three times, and landed on his opposite skate continuing his skating. “Nailed it!” He sung to himself.

Sunset paused. “Okay, so one of you is competent. Still, he’s never going to win if he has to carry dead weight around the…”

A pink blur rapidly followed Chris, “Ooo! Ooo! Let me try!” Pinkie also said with an excited smile. She also pressed off with the back inside edge of a skate, rotated three times, and safely landed continuing her skating.

Dan’s, Elise’s, and Sunset’s jaws dropped.

Dan turned to Elise. “Uh…so who wins the bet?”

“I think Pinkie just did…” Elise responded.

“Sunset!” Flash called out, skating up towards the group. “Leave those two alone. I thought we were practicing…”

Sunset turned to flash. “Never mind that. We need to talk about something.” Sunset began skating towards the rink entrance.

Dan and Elise attempted standing again, this time avoiding the pitfall of relying on the other for balance.

Flash approached them, “Uh, sorry about Sunset she’s kinda…”

Dan interrupted, “A horrible person with no redeeming qualities whose slowly taken over every aspect of your life to the point where you’re wondering if your life is even your own or if you’re simply the next in a long line of accessories that she uses and throws away when she no longer has a use for them?”

Flash’s eyes went wide as he scratched the back of his head. “Uhhh…I was going to say ‘competitive’…but…”

“FLASH! Stop fraternizing with the enemy and get overhere!”

Flash sighed and skated over to Sunset.

“Dan?” Elise began.

“What?” Dan said in a complaining tone. “She’s appallingly terrible. If we can’t beat her on the ice, I figure I can at least screw with her love life.” Dan explained.

“Good job.” Elise said simply.

“Oh…thanks…” Dan sighed. “She’s right though… There are kids out here that skate better than us. Pinkie and Chris would be better with a couple of them as partners.”

“Dan! That’s it!”

“...You want to kidnap a couple of children and force them to skate with Chris and Pinkie? I mean…it’s not a perfect plan, but I’m in all the same.”

“No! Not kids. They should partner with each other! Just look at them!”

Dan looked out into the rink as

“Throw me! Throw me!” Pinkie pleaded with Chris as he held her aloft.

Chris obeyed.

“Wheeeeeeeeee!” Pinkie rotated twice in the air, and landed on her skates, continuing keeping pace with Chris.

Dan paused. “You mean we would get out of skating AND Sunset would lose?! Elise! That’s a perfect plan!”

Elise smiled. “Iknowright?!”

*

“Sunset! What’s the big deal?!” Flash asked, throwing his hands to the sides.

“The big, deal!?” Sunset raised her forearms and hands up and motioned emphatically with them “THE BIG DEAL?! Two of those idiots aren’t just good, they’re ridiculously good!”

“Okay, so?”

“SO! They’re going to switch partners so those two are skating together!” Sunset folded her arms together. “It’s what I would do if I came across someone better.” She explained.

“Geez, thanks.” Flash responded, narrowing his eyes. “Anyways, who cares if they win? You have dozens of trophies already! So what?”

Sunset closed the distance between her and flash to a few inches and leveled an angry index finger at him. “I DON’T LOSE! EVER!”

Flash put his hands up defensively and took a few steps back.

Sunset took a calming breath. “Look! This is an easy fix. I just need you to go out there with a baton and club the pink girl in the knee.”

“WHAT?!” Flash said as his expression gave way to complete shock. “Sunset! I’m not going to assault a girl with a baton!”

Sunset paused. “Fine…the big guy, then.”

“NO! What is wrong with you?!”

Tears began to well up in Sunsets eyes, “Oh Flash! I’m sorry…I just want to win so much. Ever since I was a little girl…”

Flash began waving his arms horizontally back in forth in front of him. “No! Stop! Not the ‘little girl’ routine. It was not your dream to win a random non-qualifying skating competition when you were a little girl. And even if it was, you’ve already done it time and time again!” Flash paused. “Also, I’m pretty sure assaulting another team is grounds for disqualification.”

Sunset looked to the ceiling, raising her hands into claws with a frustrated “Grrrrrrrrrr!” She lowered her hands slightly and looked at Flash. “FINE! We’ll just beat them in the competition! But one screw up, one missed Axel, or Salchow and we’re through!”

Flash sighed.

I need to find myself a nice, quiet girl. Maybe someone who’s just really into books…

*

“Hey! Skate dispenser.” Dan called out at the ice rink cashier. “We need to change a registration!”

The cashier sighed. “No changing registrations. If you want to start a new one, it’s twenty five dollars.”

“WHAT?!” Dan roared. “That’s outrageous! They’re already in the competition!” Dan turned to Elise. “You hold him, I’ll start hitting!”

Elise put a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. I got it.” Elise pulled out her wallet and handed the cashier a $20 and a $5.

The cashier handed her a clipboard. “Are you two forfeiting? Because there’s a thirty five dollar forfeiting fee.”

“WHY WOULD WE NEED TO PAY TO QUIT?!” Dan demanded. “AND WHY IS QUITTING MORE EXPENSIVE THAN SIGNING UP?!”

The cashier shrugged, “You’ll have to if you want to free up your partners.”

Dan erupted into a volcano of incomprehensible growls.

Elise sat down the clipboard, and in a flash of agility, she jumped over the counter and put the cashiers arms in a lock. “Two minutes, and then we switch.” She said to Dan.

“Wait, what?!” The cashier called out.

Dan’s face of rage changed to a wide, evil smile as he pulled his fist back.

**

“Hey, Pinkie?” Chris called out as Pinkie skated alongside him.

“Yes, Chris?”

“Have you seen Dan or Elise anywhere?”

“Uhh…” Pinkie shook her head back and forth vigorously.

The two braked their skating and looked around.

“Huh. They’re not even out here.” Chris said.

“Oops…I guess I was having so much fun, I didn’t even notice.” Pinkie admitted.

“You’re a really good skater by the way!” Chris said with a smile.

“Thanks! You, too. But maybe we should go find…”

The loudspeakers began booming once more. “Wow! I’ve never seen so many people packed like sardines for a non-qualifying pairs skating competition! Speaking of pairs, did you hear the one about the two strangers who skated out into the middle of a frozen pond? The met up and broke the ice! Hahahaha. Oh, I love that one…”

Suddenly, there was the sound of a door slamming open over the speaker system. “HELP! Two irate competitors just took turns holding me  down and punching me! AND THEY STILL NEED TO PAY THEIR FORFEITING FEES!”

“Whoa there! It’s nothing to get punchy over!”

“WHY ARE YOU STILL MAKING HORRIBLE PUNS!? WE NEED HELP!”

“What’s wrong? Can’t take a little punishme…OH GOD!”

The announcer was cut off as the sounds of panicked yelping, screaming, violence, and maniacal laughter filled the arena.

“Oh!” Pinkie said, pointing up. “There they are!”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “Should we…you know stop them?!”

Pinkie shrugged. “They didn’t seem like they were enjoying skating anyhow. At least now they’re having fun. And, Hey! They’re getting along for a change! It’s win-win for everybody!” Pinkie pointed out excitedly.

Chris raised an eyebrow, “Except their victims, of course.”

Pinkie thought about this for a second tapping an index finger against her cheek. “Yeah…well the cashier and announcer didn’t even get a physical descriptions or anything. I don’t think anyone actually cares.” She said with a shrug.

“Uh…fair enough…I guess.”

Pinkie smiled. “So! I guess we’re partners then!”

Chris matched her smile, “I guess we are.”

“Ooo! Can you throw me a bunch of times during the competition? It’s REALLY fun!”

Chris laughed, “Sure, Pinkie!”

“Ooo! Ooo! And do that thing where you hold my hand and I lie really, really, really close to the ground and you spin me super-fast! That one’s the best!”

Chris maintained his smile. “You mean a ‘death spiral’? Sure.”

“THAT’S what it’s called!? Geez…I didn’t know pairs figure skating was so…metal.”

*

Sunset skated up to the judges. A dark completed middle aged woman flanked by two middle aged men. All three wore white, powdered wigs, and black robes. “Are you three just going to let this happen?! This has got to be a violation of the rules! Disqualify them!”

The two male judges conferred with the one female judges in between them.

“The judges have decided.” The female judge began.

Sunset smiled and nodded. “Good.”

“We’ve decided that if these two aren’t competing, then there hasn’t been any violation of conduct.”

“WHAT?! Oh, come on!”

The female judge held up a hand. “We’ve also decided we never liked the announcer or his horrible puns either. And furthermore, that there’s no such thing as a ‘forfeiting fee’ and our cashier was likely scamming skaters. So he also got what he deserved.”

“You can’t be serious!” Sunset said in disbelief.

The female judge raised an index finger. “The judge tribunal has spoken! Now…be gone!” She said with a dismissive wave.

Sunset grumbled a number of unpleasant things under her breath and skated away.

*

Dan giggled. “Hehe. Not that I’m complaining, but I can’t believe they haven’t even sent anyone up here!”

Elise smiled. “They don’t seem to have much in the way of security, do they?”

“Maybe the ice rink had a hiring freeze.” Dan said with a smile.

Elise punched him in the arm.

“OW! What was that for?”

“No!” Elise leveled an index finger at Dan. “No more puns! That’s why we beat up the announcer in the first place.”

“Yeah…I guess you’re right.” Dan sighed out. “So…I guess this is the list of skaters…and songs?” Dan called out.

“Uh-oh…we never picked out a song for Chris and Pinkie…” Elise said.

Dan held up a hand. “I think I know them well enough to pick out something suitably awesome.”

The hints of a grin appeared on Elise’s face. “I’ll leave it to you, then.”

Dan sighed. “I guess we better get all these other competitors out of the way.” Dan walked up to the microphone. “Alright, ladies and gents! There’s a new sheriff in town. Punning is now an offense punishable by savage beating and we’ve got a skate competition to run. So, let’s get started…”

*many, many, pair skaters later*

“And for our next performance!” Dan rang out, clearly having gotten in the spirit of his new, ill-gotten position. “Sunset Shimmer and Flash Sentry…Wait, seriously?! Elise, was there some sort of awesome name bus our age group missed out on?”

“They’re PSEUDONYMS, you MORON!” Sunset called out at the announcing box.

“…WHY WOULD YOU EVEN NEED PSEUDONYMS?!”

“So I don’t get MOBBED by stalkers! D’uh!”

“WHO WOULD EVEN WANTTO STALK YOU?! Except to maybe burn your house down after MEETING you…I…oh, okay, you have a point.” Dan admitted.

“JUST GET THE SONG READY, JERK!”

After a brief pause, the sounds of string instruments and a drum beat was heard as Britney Spear’s Toxic began to play and…

A window to the announcer’s box shattered as a shoe was thrown through it.

“THAT’S NOT THE RIGHT SONG!” Sunset screamed. “GET IT RIGHT OR I’LL COME UP THERE AND SLIT YOUR THROAT WITH AN ICE SKATE!”

 “Wow, Dan.” Elise began. “I think you just found your soulmate.”

Dan regarded the shoe, picked it up, and leveled a glare at Elise. “Did you just pun?”

“What…I didn’t…” Elise looked at the shoe and sighed. “Okay…go ahead and thrOW!” Elise exclaimed as the shoe impacted the side of her head. Elise looked down at the black and white sneaker. “Whose shoe IS this?”

“Can I have my shoe back?” Flash called out from the ground.

Elise stood up and looked out into the rink. She picked up the shoe and lobbed it in Flash’s direction.

“Thank you!” Flash called out.

Dan sighed and swapped a CD into a player. He pressed a few buttons and the rink was filled with the sounds of rhythmic clicks quickly joined by the sounds of a tin whistle.

Sunset’s angry expression faded as her pupils dilated and an evil looking grin spread across her face. She and Flash skated out into the rink in rhythm to the music. A bass drum entered the fray of sound and gave way to rapid percussion followed by guitars as Flash and Sunset began spinning rapidly in unison from a standing position and lowering themselves while extending a leg until finishing in a sitting position as they continued to spin.

Wicked smile plastered on her face, Sunset stood up and held out her hands. Flash grabbed a hold as they skated, Sunset skating backwards.

♫

♫

♫

♫

Flash picked up Sunset and flung her into the air.

♫

Sunset spun a couple times, and fell back into Flash’s waiting grasp.

♫

Flash set Sunset down as the two held hands and gained speed around the rink. Suddenly the lights in the rink changed to an assortment of red and yellows that turned orange when they intersected.

♫

Sunset lowered to the ground diagonally away from flash as he bended his knees in a crouch.  Sunset extended her body as far as she could. It circled Flash mere inches off the ground as the two rapidly spiraled with Flash at the epicenter and a Sunset extended outwards. Her hand holding Flash’s and a single skate that touched the ice the only two things keeping her from falling.

♫

♫

♫

♫

Flash raised Sunset up as she pressed against him and the two continued skating.

♫

♫

The two parted and began skating side by side.

♫

♫

The two jumped into the air.

♫

Spun three times.

♫

And landed, continuing skating side by side.

♫

♫

Sunset reached out to grab Flashes hand, as a yellow light enveloped them

♫

♫

Sunset lifted a leg high into the air and placed it on Flash’s shoulder. Flash held on to both her hands as they continued to skate.

♫

♫

Flash and Sunset let go of a hand briefly as Sunset lowered her leg and reached out for Flash’s hand once more, facing him with the same smile she had worn since the beginning of the song.

♫

Sunset and Flash freed a hand and extended their bodies away from each other, a red and yellow light intersected, turning the couple orange.

♫

♫

The two began another spiral. This time, Sunset turned so her back was towards the ice, supported herself on a leg, and extended the other leg out, leaning her head down as Flash continued to spin her around and around himself.

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

“Elise? What the heck are we watching?!” Dan exclaimed.

“Uhhh…pairs figure skating?” Elise offered meekly.

“I’ve SEEN pairs figure skating. It’s like two bored dancers having a snooze fest over a field of ice with the occasional spin or jump. This is…intense.” Dan offered.

“Well…she’s very, very good. I’ll give her that…What’s with all the red and yellow lights?”

Dan frowned as he pushed an assortment of buttons in time with the music. “I’m being transfixed by her witchcraft and Celtic punk, Elise! You have to stop me!”

“Uhhh…I’m not sure I could if I wanted to. This is too good. I just hope Chris and Pinkie can match this.” Elise stated motioning out into the rink.

Chris looked out as Flash and Sunset proceeded to a number more jumps, throws, and spins. “Wow! They’re really good! Don’t you think so Pinkie?..Pinkie?” Chris looked down at Pinkie.

Pinkie stood transfixed on the scene in front of her. Expressionless and motionless except for her eyes that frantically followed the skaters’ every move. The world seemed very far away as the music played in her ears and the two skaters continued their mad, frenzied dance across the fiery icescape.

Flash and Sunset held hands as the two spun around, their hands at the epicenter.

♫

♫

The two bended their knees and lowered themselves closer to the ice, continuing to hold hands.

♫

♫

The two broke contact and spun away from each other, raising to their feet, and skating around the rink in unison again. They executed another jump, spinning in the air in unison, and touched ice again. They closed the distance and held hands again.

♫

♫

Flash pulled Sunset in close.

♫

Lifted her.

♫

And flung her into the air.

♫

Sunset spun her body a few times.

♫

And landed on her skates.

♫

And turned to skate back towards Flash, grabbing his hands once more.

♫

A red light passed over Sunset, casting dark shadows over her evil, grinning expression.

♫

The two began a third spiral. Once again, Sunset extended her body out as far as it would go. Only supported by Flash and a single skate. This time, she laid back towards the ice.  The back of her head, inches off the ground.

♫

♫

♫

♫

Flash lifted Sunset up again. And the two rapidly skated together holding a hand to gain speed.

♫

♫

Flash spiraled Sunset around him again. Sunset supported herself on a leg, and bent the other one towards her back, grabbing it with her free hand. Slowly, Flash lowered her to the ground and Sunset extended her leg. She craned her neck, bringing her face within inches of the ice.

♫

♫

♫

Flash brought Sunset back up to her feet.

♫

The two skated forward, Jumped,

♫

Spun three times,

♫

And hit the ice simultaneously.

♫

The two flung their arms out as the song finished.

The crowd exploded into wild cheers.

 The two skated back to the entrance to the rink, frantically trying to catch their breaths.

Sunset turned to Pinkie. “Huff…pufff…beat THAT!”

Pinkie shook her head and her eyes adjusted to the light as if she had just woken up from a deep sleep. She turned to Sunset. Pinkie’s blank slate of a face gave way to a smile that started slowly and eventually spread across her entire face. “That was AMAZING! I loved it!”

“Uh…you did?” Sunset asked, surprised that Pinkie would complement what was certainly going to be the skating she lost to.

Pinkie nodded her head vigorously, “I learned so much just from watching you two! I can’t wait to try some of that out when it’s my turn!”

“WHAT?!” Sunset exclaimed.

It took me months to get those spins right, and I nearly killed myself…and Flash, I guess… doing them. Either she’s a savant, or she’s going to get herself killed.

Fingers crossed that it’s the later…

“And FINALLY, our last contestants; Chris Pearson and Pinkamena Diane Pie!” Dan called out.

“Oops! Speak of the devil.” Pinkie said with a giggle. “Come on, Chris! We have to do one of those spinny things where you hold my hand and I hold myself like this!” Pinkie continued skating on one leg, and bent her other behind her back, holding her skate with a hand as she extended the other one out. “It looked like so much fun!”

“Heh. Sure Pinkie.” Chris said simply.

Sunset shimmer gawked after them.

She can’t be human…she just can’t be.

“Huh.” Chris said. “I just realized we don’t have a song.”

“Oh, you’re right! I wonder if Dan and Elise…”

♫

Chris and Pinkie smiled at each other and extended their hands out towards each other.

♫

♫

The two slowly began skating around the rink.

♫

The two let go of each other’s hands.

♫

In unison, the two jumped slightly and spun once.

♫

They hit the ground, and bounded off again.

♫

Their skates lightly touched the ice and they jumped and spun again.

♫

And again.

♫

The two smiled at each other again and picked up speed.

♫

The two raced across the rink.

♫

♫

Chris picked up Pinkie and flung her into the air.

♫

Pinkie spun three times before Chris caught her and set her down again.

♫

The two zoomed around the rink at a breathtaking speed.

♫

In unison, the two jumped off the ice again…

♫

…and executed two perfectly synchronized triple spins.

♫

The two reached out for each other’s hands and continued their rapid skating.

♫

♫

The two turned, facing each other and grabbed the others free hand and began rapidly spinning, bending their knees and extending a leg out, lowering themselves to the ground.

♫

Chris and Pinkie let go of a hand and extended their arms. Pinkie extended her body out with her back towards the ice, supporting herself on skate, and Chris lowered his body holding Pinkie’s body inches off the ground.

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

Chris raised Pinkie back up.

♫

♫

The two continued their rapid race across the rink.

♫

Chris lifted Pinkie again and threw her into the air.

♫

Pinkie rotated several times.

♫

Hit the ground.

♫

And began rapidly spinning in place.

♫

Chris reached out and, lifted her, and placed her on the ground as he held her hand…

♫

…spinning at the same rapid pace as Pinkie extended her arm, and a leg, lifting her other leg towards her back and grabbing her skate.

♫

Pinkie released Chris’s hand and continued spinning on a single leg with her arm extended as she continued to hold a leg and arm behind her back.

♫

♫

Chris dashed over to Pinkie and picked her up, spinning with the same momentum the punk blur of curly hair was maintaining moments before

♫

♫

Chris threw Pinkie into the air again as she spun. She landed back safely in Chris hands.

♫

“Did…did she let go on a death spiral?!” Flash asked in disbelief.

♫

“AND SUPPORTED HERSELF WHILE SPINNING?!” He added.

♫

Sunset said nothing and glared fiery daggers at the skating pair.

♫

Elise and Dan stood in silence looking out into the rink.

♫

♫

“Nice song, pick by the way.” Elise said breaking the silence.

♫

“Thanks but…Did you know Chris was this good?!” Dan said motioning out into the rink with both hands.

♫

“Of course not! I guess I should go skating with him more often.” Elise mused, eyes still fixed to the couple. “What surprises me more is Pinkie!”

“And to think she was tripping over everything that stood more than an inch off the ground a few hours ago.” Dan commented

♫

Chris held Pinkie high in the air, supporting her by a leg and her stomach as she extended her arms to her side and a leg out behind her.

♫

♫

The two continued at breakneck speeds as Chris lowered Pinkie to the ground.

♫

The two joined hands again, and once again began spinning and lowering themselves closer to the ground.

♫

The two began another spiral. Chris lifted a leg and grabbed a skate with a hand as he extended Pinkie out. Pinkie leaned backwards, extending her head and leg out as Chris spun her.

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

♫

Pinkie extended her arm out to Chris he helped her and the two began slowly skating around the rink to the roaring cheers of the crowd.

♫

♫

♫

♫

Pinkie skated up to Sunset Shimmer. “Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! That was so”

“much”

“FUN!”

A vein became visible on Sunset’s forehead as her eye twitched. “I’ll DESTROY YOU!” Sunset leaped at Pinkie, but was quickly stopped as Flash wrapped her arms around her.

“That’s enough, Sunset. Let’s give them some space before you get us kicked out.” Flash said, dragging the kicking and screaming woman away.

Pinkie merely looked after the two with a disappointed look on her face.

Chris skated up to Pinkie. “Pinkie, that was incredible! Where’d you learn how to do that?!” He asked.

Pinkie turned to Chris and smiled. “A few minutes ago when I was watching Sunset and Flash.”

“WHAT?! That’s impossible!”

“Silly Chris! It was mostly just things I saw Sunset doing…” Pinkie looked to the side and gave herself a little grin. “Mostly.”

Chris sighed.

Right, I forgot I was supposed to stop asking questions…

*

“Oh”

“My”

“GOSH!” Elise exclaimed. “My husband is amazing!”

Dan just sighed sadly to himself.

“What’s your problem?” Elise asked raising an eyebrow.

Dan looked up at her. “Do you think we’re going to have to go skating more often?”

Elise smiled and shrugged. “I’m sure the two of us can always find something else to occupy ourselves with if that happens.”

Loud banging sounded out from a closed door. “WHY HAVEN’T WE BEEN LET OUT, YET?!”

“Yeah, they’re really keeping us in the dark here!” Another voice rang out.

“AHHHHH! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!”

“The JUDGES have reached a decision!” A female voice spoke out dramatically.

Dan and Elise turned to face the three judges that walked up and into the announcer’s booth.

“Well! What is it?” Dan asked.

“We have decided that we can’t decide between the final two contestants! TROPHIES FOR EVERYONE!” The judge announced dramatically.

“WHAT?!” Dan and Elise exclaimed in unison.

“That’s ridiculous! Just make them have a skate off, or something.” Dan suggested irritably.

“You dare defy the will of the non-qualifying competition judge tribunal!?”

“I do dare!” Dan said.

The female judge pointed out at Dan and Elise. “Judges! Exert your judicial powers upon them!”

The two male judges walked forward into a hailstorm of fists and kicks that quickly left them beaten and subdued.

The female judge paused. “Skate off, it is.”

Dan grinned a toothy smile and grabbed the microphone. “The judges are deadlocked on the winner. The final two contestant will have skate off!”

The crowd roared in approval.

“A SKATE OFF?!” Sunset screamed at the booth. “WHAT KIND OF NONSENSE IS THIS?!”

“Don’t look at me!” Dan said into the microphone. “It was either that or you both win!”

“Ooo! Ooo! Let’s do that instead!” Pinkie insisted.

Sunset turned and glared at Pinkie. “No way! I’m not sharing my victory with the likes of you. Come on Flash.”

Flash sighed as Sunset reached for his hand. The two skated out into the center.

“We’re going to do the mother of all death spirals!” Sunset announced.

“Fine. Fine.” Flash muttered as the two picked up speed.

“Awww…I was really hoping we’d both win…” Pinkie exclaimed.

Sunset looked back at her. “I’m going to mop the ice with that stupid looking curly mess you call hair.” She turned back towards the rink.

Chris smiled and held out his hand. “Come on…I bet we can skate circles around them!”

Pinkie took his hand and smiled. “Literally, or figuratively?”

Chris chuckled. “Hehe, ‘figuratively’” He said to himself. “But let’s maybe try literally first.”

“Ooo! Ooo! Do you think you can pick me up and spin around really, really, really fast while doing it?!” Pinkie asked excitedly.

“That sounds ludicrously dangerous and probably physically impossible.”

Pinkie frowned.

Chris smiled. “Let’s do it.”

Pinkie beamed. “Yay!”

Flash extended his arm out as Sunset held tight. She turned her back to the ice as the couple began lowering themselves. She extended her leg on the ice, far, far away and the two began rapidly spiraling as Sunset was held a mere inch of the ground.

Chris and Pinkie skated out towards the couple and began skating around them in a wide circle. Once the two had achieved a rapid speed, Chris Lifted Pinkie into the air, supporting her with both hands on her stomach.

“Wheeee!” Pinkie through her arms and legs out to the side as Chris began to spin in the same circular arc as before. The two spun into a blur until they resembled a top, spinning rapidly over the ice.

Without warning, the circle they were spinning on cracked, and the ice fractured. The circle of ice containing Flash and Sunset capsized into icy water that the two quickly found themselves submerged in.

Elise motioned out into the arena. “HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! THERE WASN’T EVEN ANY WATER UNDER THE RINK!”

Dan paused. “Ummm…” He turned to the judges. “I think that’s ‘game’ those two just broke the rink with their skating…not to mention many laws of physics and reality…”

The female judge nodded. “Thankfully the non-qualifying competition judge tribunal does not recognize the laws of physics or reality within these halls.” She leaned down to the microphone. “Pinkie and Chris are the winners!”

Pinkie and Chris stopped spinning and Chris gently set Pinkie on the ground.

“Whoawhoawhoa…” Pinkie dizzily skated around and regained her balance. With a huge smile, she skated up to Chris and gave him a giant hug. “We did it!” She said excitedly.

Chris beamed proudly. “We sure did. Just…don’t ask me how…”

Dan and Elise ran down the crowded arena steps towards the rink.

“Chris! Pinkie!” Elise cried out. “You two were absolutely spectacular!”

Dan and Elise touched ice with their feet simultaneously, and immediately flew backwards, hitting their heads’ on the rink entrance floor.

“Ow.” Elise said simply.

“Yes, Elise.” Dan agreed. “Very, ‘ow’.”

Pinkie and Chris skated up to the downed pair and helped them back onto their feet.

Elise immediately leapt up to plant a passionate kiss on her husband’s lips as Chris’s arms encircled her.

“Uh. Hi, honey.”

“Chris! That was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen! I’m so, so proud of you!”

Chris smiled and leaned in to give his wife another kiss.

“Gross!” Dan commented. “Get a room, you…” Dan stopped as he felt Pinkie’s crushing embrace, her soft face rubbing energetically against his rough stubble.

“DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DIDJA SEE ME?! DIDJASEEME?!”

Dan struggled in Pinkie’s grip enough to look her in the face and smiled. “Yes Pinkie. You were absolutely incredible. Where’d you learn to skate like…”

Chris interrupted. “Don’t ask, Dan. You’ll be happier that way.” He explained.

Dan looked back at Pinkie holding his smile and shrugged. “Fair enough.”

The four paused as they heard splashing and frantic sputters from the rink as Flash and Sunset emerged from the water and struggled to climb onto the slippery ice.

“Oh! Chris! We better go help them.” Pinkie skated off towards the pair, Chris in pursuit.

Chris bent down to help up Flash, who graciously accepted.

Pinkie bent down to help Sunset. “You were the most spectacularly great skater I ever SAW!” Pinkie said with a smile as she held out a hand to help Sunset.

Sunset elected to spit a large amount of water onto the face of Pinkie in lieu of accepting her help.

“HEY! Your hair will dry, and when it does I’m going to turn your head into a roman candle!” Dan called out from the rink entrance.

Pinkie frowned and wiped away the water.

“Get lost.” Sunset said to Pinkie. “For your sake, I hope we never meet again.”

Pinkie sighed, and began skating back to the entrance of the rink.

Chris frowned at Sunset and continued on after Pinkie.

Sunset reached out a hand. “Help me up, Flash.”

“Yeah…so…I’m breaking up with you.” Flash stated.

“WHAT?! WHY?!” Sunset demanded.

“I uhh…I think I hate you…like…with every fiber of my being. You are without a doubt the worst human being I have ever met. So...” Flash put on a happy smile and waved. “Bye!” He skated away towards the rink entrance.

“Wait! Flash! At least get me out of the water!” Sunset pleaded.

The lights in the stadium went dim with a loud ‘THOMB’.

“Uhhh…anybody?! PLEASE?!”

‘THOMB’

The lights went out completely, leaving Sunset in the cold, dark water.

“…please? I think…I think hypothermia is starting to set in…”

*

Out in the dark parking lot, people filled out into the warm Southern California night. Lights from the parking lot shinning down on them and the cars.

Dan and Pinkie walked side by side.

Elise walked firmly attached to her husband’s arm.

“I can’t believe we went through all that just for…THAT!” Dan commented, motioning to the small trophy adorned by a golden pair of figure skaters in Pinkie’s hand.

Pinkie shrugged. “Flash did say it was for amateurs. Besides…” Pinkie smiled wide. “I didn’t care about winning. I’m just glad everyone had fun…in their own ways, of course.” She added with a sly grin directed at Dan and Elise

Dan and Elise exchanged a glance and chuckled.

“So,” Dan began. “You work out your balance?”

Pinkie turned to him. “Are you kidding?!” She said, excitedly handing him the trophy. “Watch THIS!”

Pinkie spread her legs, put her hands into the air, and leaned sideways onto her hand executing a perfect cartwheel directly into the side of a car.

Dan cringed at the impact.

Pinkie giggled at herself from the ground. “Hehehe. Whoops! I need to remember to look where I’m going when I do that.”

Dan quickly walked over and helped Pinkie to her feet.

Chris piped up, “So? Dinner?” He said with a large grin.

Dan furrowed his brow at Chris as Pinkie wrapped her arms around one of Dan’s. “Excuse you, Mr. Feedbags. But I was promised a game system and a new T.V. for my troubles.”

Chris frowned, “Dan…everything’s closed at this hour.”

Dan’s expression sank into gloom.

Pinkie grinned mischievously. “Didn’t stop us last time.” She sang out.

Chris looked surprise and looked down at Dan and Pinkie. “What? You and Dan…”

“She means her and me.” Elise said with a smile looking up at Chris.

Chris looked down at Elise. “You?!”

Elise shrugged and smiled encouragingly at her husband. “Come on! A few cut wires, a few picked locks, some quiet sneaking. We’ll be in and out before anyone know we were there.”

Chris began to look pensive.

“Ooo! Ooo! Can we stop at Dan and my apartment first! I have night vision goggles now! They’re so…night visiony!”

Elise nodded. “Of course!” She said enthusiastically.

“I hope you have another pair for me.” Dan stressed.

Pinkie nodded vigorously, “Silly Danny! I got enough for everybody!”

“Even me?” Chris asked with a giddy smile.

Pinkie looked up at Chris and winked. “Especially you, skate partner.”

Chris’s attitude immediately did a 180. “Come on everyone! Let’s go commit breaking and entering and pay for everything we take!”

Pinkie raised a triumphant arm. “Yay!” She let go of Dan’s arm and turned to him “Race ya to the car!”

“Umm…I’m good…”

Pinkie dashed off to the nearest car, jumped on the hood, ran up to the roof of the car and began bounding from car top to car top towards the blue sedan.

Dan paused and sighed with a small smile. He felt a large hand on his shoulder and looked up to Chris.

“Guess you’ll have to get use to not being better at her at everything.” Chris said with a grin.

Dan’s smile widened. “I’m about to have video games.” He said with a shrug. “It’ll be enough.”

“Come ON slowpokes! You three are the slowest pokes I ever saw poke!” Pinkie called out from the car.

The trio of friends made their way to the car and a night full of burglary, food, and fun between good friends.

Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance: Epilogue

Part 5 Pinkie Vs. Balance: Epilogue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 5 Pinkie Vs. BalanceEpilogue

****

“FREAK TORNADO TEARING THROUGH L.A.!” Pinkie screamed, clad in her white shirt, black vest, cut off jean shorts, and rainbow leg warmers.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dan responded from the bed, falling off of it.

‘THUMP’

Dan groggily lifted his boxer clad body off the ground and rubbed his head. “Uhh…situation ‘T’…’ornado’…” He muttered. “I’ll get my keys.” He yawned out

Pinkie leaned down close to Dan and continued to scream. “ALSO THE TORNADO HAS PICKED UP SHARKS FROM THE OCEAN AND IS NOW A LETHAL WHIRLWIND OF CHOMPY DEATH SWEEPING UP AND BITING EVERYTHING IT COMES ACROSS!”

“GAH!” Dan rubbed his ear. “I’m right here…wait…Did you just reference a Syfy original movie? How DARE you bring that filth into this…”

“SHARKANDOS CAN STRIKE AT ANYTIME OR ANYPLACE, DAN!” Pinkie insisted, putting her hands around Dan’s bare shoulders and shaking him. “Assuming such places have sharks within convent pickup distance of tornados.” She added, raising an index finger informatively.

Dan sighed. “Can I at least put clothes on?”

“THERE’S NO TIME! GRAB MR. MUMBLES AND YOUR KEYS! I’LL GRAB THE SPEAR-GUN!”

“STOP SHOUTING AT ME! I’m going, I’m going…” Dan insisted.

“Merow?” Mr. Mumbles called out.

Dan bent down and held out his hand, cringing as the cat clawed her way up his bare arm, perching on his shoulder.

He trudged over to his dresser and grabbed his wallet and keys, as a pink blur zoomed past him and out the bedroom. Dan exited the room with cat, keys, and wallet in tow and continued his slow plodding towards the open apartment door.

“Get the car! Get the car! GETTHECAR! CAR, CAR, CAR, CARCARCARCARCARCARCAR!”   Pinkie commanded, energetically hopping up and down on the walkway holding a spear gun in one hand and a quiver of spears in the other.

“Alright! Alright! Hold your horses…or ponies…whatever…” Dan mumbled as he trudged outside, down the walkway, and down the stairs to the vehicle.

Dan got in the car, letting Mr. Mumbles jump into the backseat. He noted Pinkie had already neatly piled clothing for him next to his shoes. On top of the small clothing pile rested a clipboard, sheet of paper, and pen which Dan grabbed. He leaned over to roll down the passenger side window, buckled up, started the car and moved it into position.

No sooner than the car was under the walkway then Pinkie appeared feet first and landed in the car seat as if she was poured into the car from the walkway above, holding the spear gun and quiver in one of her arms.

Pinkie quickly buckled her seat belt. “How’d I do?! How’d I do?! Huh? Huh?! Tell me! TELL ME! TELL ME!”

“Uhhh…” Dan looked down at his clipboard and jotted a few things down. “Awesome. A+” He answered simply.

“Yippy-skippy!” Pinkie exclaimed throwing her hands into the air, nearly clocking Dan in the process and hitting them against the car ceiling. “OW!” Pinkie said, shaking her hands slightly.

Dan wrinkled his brow at the energetic, giddy girl sitting across from him. “What’s with you? You seem even more hyperactive than usual…Are you on drugs?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I dranky a coupley energy drinkies to improvey my speedy!” Pinkie said with, huge, wide eyes, and a giant grin. She leaned down and fetched a reusable, plastic, grocery bag from the car floor in front of her that was bulging with cylindrical shaped cans. “Want one?!”

Dan yawned again. “Sure, thanks”. He said as Pinkie quickly buried her arm into the bag, and pulled out a bright, orange can, handing it to Dan. He opened the can and took a swing. “Where to?”

“Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Let’s drive to San Diego and free all the animals from the animal prison!” Pinkie said excitedly.

Dan crinkled his brow at Pinkie. “You mean ‘zoo’?”

Pinkie smiled and waved dismissively, “Whatever! I just want to keep humanity on its toesies!”

Dan thought about this for a second and took another swig of his drink. “Too eco-terrorist for the middle of the night.” He said shaking his head.

“Okaaaaaaaay…” Pinkie cooed. “Let’s steal honey from bees and keep Mother Nature on her toesies!” She paused and added. “I was kinda bummed that it was cloudy yesterday.”

Dan paused and raised an eyebrow. “Did you bring the suits?”

Pinkie grinned wide. “They’re in the trunk!”

Dan smiled, and put the car into drive, pulling out into the street. “Us two against the world, eh?”

Pinkie leaned over the transmission hump to wrap an arm around Dan’s shoulders and give him a hug, resting her head on his shoulder. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She said with a content smile.

The red hatchback drove off into the night towards sticky mayhem.

End Part 5

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 30 Pinkie Vs. Video Games

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 30 Pinkie Vs. Video Games

****

“That’s a wrap!”

“GRRRAH!” Dan sounded in frustration.

“Three in a roooow~!” Pinkie sang out, flicking her colorful, multi-bracelet clad wrist up and holding the controller upside down in her pink nail polished hand. The bracelets completed the ensemble of a short-sleeved red shirt with a floral pattern, and rolled-up jean shorts.

Dan turned to glare at his roomie on the opposite end of the couch. “It’s just because you have some bizarre affinity with Peacock!” Dan insisted.

Pinkie shrugged, smiled and extended an elbow out, placing finger tips upon her heart. “What can I say? Her cartoony, violent tendencies speak to me on a deep personal level.” She said closing her eyes for dramatic effect.

“Grrr…Just…pick someone else and I’ll clean your clock.”

“Wait…” Pinkie paused and glanced to the ceiling, tapping on her cheek with her free hand. “Do I even own a clock?..And is it dirty?”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU IDIOT!” Dan bellowed.

Pinkie looked back at Dan with a pout.

Dan sighed and took a few calming breaths. “Look, can we randomly select our characters for a while?”

A smile slowly spread across Pinkie’s face. “Random, huh? Dan, I’m not sure if we met.” Pinkie extended a hand across the couch. “I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m the Princess of Random.”

Dan furrowed his brow at the hand for a second, but it gave way to a small, wicked grin as he reached out and shook it. “Well, Princess, I hope you like ‘crow’ because it’s what you’ll be eating for the next several rounds.”

 Pinkie paused again, retracting her hand. “I thought we were having chicken for dinner…” Pinkie said with a confused expression. “Do crows even have that much meat on them?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Just select ‘Random’.”

“Oh…Okay!” Pinkie responded enthusiastically.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s…Showtime”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly and scrunched her lips to one side of her face.

Cerebella, huh? Well at least Dan didn’t get Painwh…

In a flurry of button pushing and analog stick moving, the fight was over.

“It’s super effective!”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as she stared at the screen.

Dan’s small, wicked grin had grown up into a big, toothy, evil smile. “Sorry, Pinkie. Circus antics aren’t going to cut it against a classy lady with an umbrella that fires napalm.”

Pinkie turned back to the screen with determination. “Beginners luck. I won’t go easy on you next time.”

*But then…*

“Alright, alright, show’s over”

Pinkie’s eye twitched as a corner of her mouth raised in a small grimace.

*And then…*

“Can I have a round of applause for our contestants?”

“Grrrrr…”

*And still…*

“And now, a word from our sponsors!”

“WHY?!”

*And again…*

“That’s all, folks!”

Pinkie’s beet-red face contorted into rage as she gritted her teeth.

“Hey! You’re getting better.” Dan said. “Or at least…less terrible.” He added with a smug smile.

With a frustrated growl, Pinkie sat up, and marched into the bedroom.

“Leaving so soon?” Dan sang out. “We can go best of 15.” He suggested with the same smug smile plastered on his face. A smile that quickly departed as Pinkie marched back out of the bedroom with her pink crowbar resting on her shoulder, carried in both hands as if she was holding a baseball bat.

 “Uh…may I enquire as to what you plan on doing with that?” Dan asked in a rather concerned tone of voice.

Pinkie marched up to the T.V. and eyed the video game console on the ground. “Rectifying a mistake.” She answered as she held the crowbar above her head.

“WAIT!” Dan pleaded.

Pinkie turned her head and fixed Dan with narrow, blue eyes, leaving the crowbar held high in the air. “What?”

“Err…your Nino no Kuni saves are on there!”

Pinkie lowered the crowbar, and bowed her head. “You’re right Dan. I don’t know WHAT I was thinking. I can’t destroy those…”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief. “Good, now maybe we can find something less compete…”

Pinkie turned her head without shifting her body and stared at Dan with somewhat detached, vacant eyes. “But I can destroy you.” Pinkie said coldly. She moved her body to face Dan while fixing him with a stare, keeping her head in the same position. Her vacant eyes seemed to focus and Dan could see a glint of madness in them that sent shivers down his spine.

“What?! Pinkie, wait! WHOA!” Dan dove behind the couch as Pinkie brought down the crowbar on the cushion he was sitting on mere moments ago. The impact of Dan hitting the floor caused a wooden baseball bat that was leaned against the nearby wall to clatter to the ground and rolled towards him.

Dan reached for the baseball bat and quickly got back to his feet. “Uh…Pinkie? I’m usually all for violently delivered vengeance, but maybe we can…talk about this?” Dan offered, holding the baseball bat in front of him and raising his eyebrows a few times.

“Naw.” Pinkie said simply. “I think I’ll try it your way, for a change.” A mad smile erupted across Pinkie’s face. “En garde.”

Pinkie closed the distance between her and Dan and took a horizontal swing at Dan’s ribs.

Dan lowered his bat and attempted to block, but only succeed in deflecting the blow slightly. He felt a sharp pain in his side as cold steal collided with skin and bone.

He winced as Pinkie’s mad smile grew, she pulled back for another swing, keeping a close eye on Dan’s bat.

Rather than retreat, Dan stepped in even closer to Pinkie, and quickly raised the handle of the bat up.

Pinkie’s eyes tracked the bat as the club drew away from her, missing that the knob at the end of the handle of the bat was rapidly approaching her face.

Before Pinkie had time to swing again, Dan clocked her chin with the knob of the bat.

Pinkie’s head flew back and she stumbled backwards into the couch. One hand let go of the crowbar and reached out for the couch, steading Pinkie. Her mad smile sifted as she lowered her head back down to glower at Dan.

Dan’s expression had shifted, too. He was now smiling madly with eyes to match. “You want to play rough, roomie? Then, let’s play rough.” He said with a hint of excitement.

“GRRRAAH!” Pinkie lunged at Dan with a frustrated growl, swinging her weapon.

Likewise, Dan matched the lunge and swing and the two combatants rapidly closed weapons on each other.

*Several minutes of close quarter bludgeoning followed by closer quarter hand-to-hand combat later…*

“Dan?” Pinkie asked from under her roommate’s body, a hand raised up to his face. “How did we end up like this?”

“You attacked me with a crowbar because I kept beating you at Skullgirls.” Dan reminded as he pinned one of Pinkie’s arms down with his hand and held himself up off the ground with the other.

“Oh, right…welllll, the knee in my sternum is telling me that I probably over reacted there…”

“PROBABLY?!” Dan roared.

 “Yeah…I’m in the…cough…wrong here.” Pinkie admitted. “I suck.”

Dan shot her a glare with one eye, the other eye a tad preoccupied with the thumb that was being pushed into it.

“Truce?” Pinkie asked. “This REALLY hurts.” She choked out.

Dan took a calming breath and shifted his leg so he could push off the ground and lift himself up. He offered a hand to Pinkie, which she accepted as Dan helped her to her feat.

Dan rubbed his eye with a hand and continued staring a dagger at Pinkie with the other.

Well, to her credit. She gave as good as she got.

To her detriment, SHE ATTACKED ME WITH A FRICKIN’ CROWBAR!

Pinkie’s lower lip quivered as she fully processed what had just transpired. “I’m really sorry Dan.” Tears began to form in Pinkie’s eyes. “I don’t know what I was thinking…sob…I’M A MONSTER! WUAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!” Pinkie buried her face into her hands and sobbed into her palms.

Dan’s expression softened. He put a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder and led her over to the couch, sitting her down and sitting next to her. “There, there crybaby. We’ve all assaulted our friends with a potentially lethal instrument at one time or another.” Dan spread his arms out wide, keeping his injured eye shut. “Come on, stop blubbering. You’re forgiven.”

“SNNNIFF…Reeeally?” Pinkie asked, lowering her hands revealing a small smile, tears still in her eyes.

Dan smiled and extended his arms out a few times to emphasize his uncharacteristic desire for a hug.

Pinkie leaned in and embraced Dan as the two wrapped their arms around each other, cringed painfully, and quickly pulled away, rubbing bruises.

“Uhhh…let’s save hugging for when we’re not covered in bruises we inflicted on each other.” Dan suggested.

“Yeah…” Pinkie said in agreement. “Next time I’m mad at you, I think I’ll stick to tickle torture.”

“Could you wait until the bruises on my ribs heal?”

“…No promises.” Pinkie answered with a sheepish smile.  “Ooo!” Pinkie looked at the eye Dan still held close due having her thumb shoved into it. “Eye patch!” Pinkie said simply, shoving a hand in between the couch cushions and retrieving a black eye patch.

“Thanks.” Dan said as he took the eye patch and placed it around his head, covering the injured eye.

“I told you it was worthwhile to stash eye patches around the apartment in case of eye patch emergency.” Pinkie said with a smile.

“Yeah.” Dan responded, “Though I’m guessing you weren’t thinking I’d need one because you stuck a thumb in my eye.” Dan grumbled irritably.

Pinkie’s smile dropped. “Dan, I really am sorry that I attacked you like that! You’re like my bestest friend in the whole wide world! I’d never want something bad to happen to you, let alone inflict it!” Pinkie explained.

Dan raised his free eyebrow at Pinkie. “Excluding times when I’ve pushed you into a desire to see me stabbed, I’m guessing.”

Pinkie sighed and raised her feet and legs onto couch, wrapping her arms around her knees and placing her chin on them. “I’m not really proud of those times, either.” Pinkie admitted. She thought for a moment. “I guess…I guess this place is starting to get to me a bit.”

“Uh, the apartment? I mean…I guess it’s pretty small for two people.”

“No, no, no, no, no, no!” Pinkie insisted, placing her feet back on the ground and her hands about. “I really love our cozy apartment together.” She said with a quick smile. “It’s the city that’s starting to get to me.”

“Oh…well…it is a hotbed of morons and mouth-breathers.” Dan responded.

“It’s not JUST that…” Pinkie paused and glanced to the side as she rubbed her chin with her free hand. “Though, I must admit that it’s seemingly mostly populated by a cast of incredibly dense, oblivious people…and stereotypes for some reason.” Pinkie frowned. “Who often want my phone number.” She added.

Pinkie looked back at Dan and continued. “But, I guess there’s just parts of home that I’m really starting to miss.”

“Maybe we can throw another cross-dimensional party?” Dan suggested.

Pinkie smiled. “Well, Rainbow Dash and Spike seemed to really like the Ramones, and Twilight obviously found them easy-peasy to dance to.” Pinkie cocked her head slightly, “Though, I think Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy might need a break from punk.”

“Poor Fluttershy spent most the party hiding under a chair…” Dan mused.

Pinkie creased her brow. “Yeah…she’s more of a song-birdy and classical music type. Anyhow, I miss being with them. But I can still see them and hangout with them when I want. What I’m really missing is trees that have branches, and not falling asleep to the sound of sirens and gunfire, and rodents that aren’t of unusual size that attack me when I come back with a bag full of groceries.”

“To be fair, that last one is probably just localized to this apartment complex.” Dan said, pointing an index finger at Pinkie. He narrowed his eye. “Wait. Are you suggesting we go camping?!”

Pinkie’s face changed to a pout. “And what if I am?”

“Pinkie! Camping is where people get mauled by wild cats, or murdered by serial killers, or even attacked by bears after a bear pheromone mishap!”

Pinkie’s eyes turned sad, and her lower lip began to quiver.

“NO! Not ‘the face’! Please…” Dan pleaded, his voice giving way to a sigh. “…fine.” Dan said, hanging his head.

“Yay!” Pinkie said with a smile. “Ooo! Ooo! We should see if Chris and Elise want to come!”

Dan smiled. “Good thinking! They can distract the serial killer with their stabable bodies while we make our escape!”

“Right!” Pinkie responded with a smile. “Wait, what?” Pinkie asked crinkling her brow at Dan.

“Uh…I mean…The blood-thirsty killer will be too busy savagely murdering them to notice when we flee!”

“…Dan, you just rephrased the same thing you said earlier.” Pinkie informed.

“Didn’t I?” Dan said with a sly smile.

“Uhhh…” Pinkie smiled nervously. “I’m just going to go call Elise now…”

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 31 Dan Vs. Road Trip

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 31 Dan Vs. Road Trip

****

Music rules hit this one as well. Original here.

The characters themselves are singing parts, so I do recommend reading off that link.

****

“Ooooo!” Pinkie spoke excitedly into the phone as she paced around the apartment. “Sounds super-dee-duper fun, Elise! I can’t wait! Bye-bye!” Pinkie pushed the screen on the phone terminating the call.

“So? Tents and sleeping bags? Just a thin layer of nylon between us and the wild animals who want to devour wrapped for convenience human burritos?” Dan enquired.

“Elise’s parents bought a cabin in the Canadian woods!” Pinkie responded cheerfully. “Apparently everything is really cheap there since most of the country is still completely encased in a glacier!”

Dan chuckled. “Hehe…yeaaaaah…good times. Wait…Cabin in the woods…” Dan pondered this. “Well…we probably won’t be killed by animals but now we’re about ten times more likely to be murdered by an insane serial killer or some malevolent spirit or spirits who want us to join them forever!”

“Golly, forever is a really long time to have to hang out with evil dead people…”

“Speaking of which. You’re not allowed to touch any books with faces on them.” Dan directed. “Unless you WANT to be molested by your precious nature.”

“Err…” Pinkie creased her brow, closed her eyes, and smile nervously. “I’m pretty sure I’d prefer not to get that close to nature…but…Do you really think we’ll be in danger?” She asked.

“I’ve seen dozens if not hundreds of movies on this sort of thing! A group of people go out to a secluded cabin in the woods, no way to contact the outside world. And then a serial killer shows up, or was already there, or someone does something stupid like read an evil book, and a little Latin latter; BAM we have to fight a zombie redneck torture family.”

“Well…I like the family part of that…though not so much the zombie, torture, or redneck part…Hmmmmmmmm…” Pinkie pondered this for a second, then snapped her fingers. “I got it!” Pinkie pointed at Dan excitedly. “You’re a super smart guy!”

“The smartest.” Dan said with smile, rubbing his fist slightly against his chest. “Ow! I forgot you hit me there…”

Pinkie gave Dan a small, pensive smile, “Er…sorry…but why don’t you bring some thingies to fight evilee undeadee whatevees with?”

“Hmmm…” Dan stroked his chin and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Salt, holy water, crucifixes…maybe some silver…” Dan said, putting up his fingers as he listed off items. “Yeah…I can be like…a handsomer, suaver, and more debonairer Van Helsing!” Dan announced with a grin.

Pinkie gave Dan a warm smile. “I feel safer, already.”

“Wait…what about serial killers?” Dan reminded.

“Ooo! What if we went out and got a bunch of serial killer stuff?! Like chainsaws, hockey masks, and machetes!? You know…fight fire with fire.”

“I do like the sound of adding more fire to fire. But, serial killers are bloodthirsty maniacs.” Dan explained. “Do you really think we can out crazy them?” Dan said, his lip twitching slightly.

Dan and Pinkie immediately broke into fits of laughter.

“HaHaHaHaHahehehe…I can’t believe you...hehehe…said that with a…hahaha…straight face!” Pinkie said as she laughed hysterically.

“Hehehe…I almost didn’t!” Dan admitted.

“Alright! So we prepare for war against the forces of evil?” Pinkie asked with a smile.

“Baby, let’s hit a sporting goods store! To the DAN-mobile!” Dan announced, thrusting an index finger into the air.

“Ho!” Pinkie shouted, throwing a fist into the air.

**

“Talk to me.” Elise said at the TV with a frown.

And I just got my parents to green light using the cabin for a week. Ulg. I’d hate to disappoint Pinkie, but duty calls.

“Dancing Shadow, we have a target for you.” A masculine voice called out from the TV as a blue line fluctuated with each syllable.

“SNORE!”

“What was that?” The voice asked.

“Uhh…nothing…swamp gas…” Elise offered.

“Are you sure this line is secure?”

“Totally.” Elise answered.

“...Alright, Dancing Shadow, your target is this man.” An image of a long, brown haired man with a full beard displayed on the screen.

“Hiram…” Elise mumbled.

“Correct.” The voice responded. “We thought you’d want some payback after your failed mission at Omicron headquarters.”

“Failed…right.” Elise responded with a small grin. “Last known location?”

“Havre, Montana. He was spotted there several days after a kerfuffle at the formally named College of Technology in Billings.”

“And by ‘kerfuffle’, you mean…”

There was a pause. “…He ate some of the students and faculty.”

Elise sighed. “Of course. So he’s heading north.” Elise smiled. “Into Saskatchewan, Canada?”

“That seems likely. We can prepare supplies and lodging…”

“That won’t be necessary.” Elise interrupted. “I can make my own arrangements.”

“Very well. Your mission is to capture him alive, if possible. We believe Hiram may still hold some important technological information. If this proves impossible, at least retrieve his memories.”

Elise snickered. “You mean I’ll need to remove his head and bring it back?”

There was a sigh on the other line. “Must you be so graphic?”

“Just calling a decapitation a decapitation.” Elise said with a morbid grin.

“You have your orders, Dancing Shadow.”

“Dancing shadow out.”

“SNORE!”

Elise lightly shook her sleeping husband next to her on the couch.

“Wha…what happened?” Chris asked groggily.

“You fell asleep while we were watching TV.” Elise answered with a smile.

“…You chloroformed me again because work called, didn’t you?” Chris asked flatly, narrowing his eyes at his wife.

Elise’s smile turned nervous. “Er…yeah…”

“You know, you can just ask me to leave the room.” Chris stated.

“Sorry, old habit…”

Chris sighed. “So, I guess camping is on hold?”

“Actually, turns out there’s not a conflict.” Elise informed, her smile returning to normal.

“…Why does that sound ominous?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Elise said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“Elise, when you told me about your job…” Chris began.

“I didn’t mean to…” Elise mumbled.

“Be that as it may, you said you’d stop keeping secrets from me.” Chris reminded.

Elise sighed. “You’re right Chris. Just let me just go to the shed and get my head preserver and I’ll tell you all about my latest mission.” Elise said, standing up.

“…On second thought, maybe I’ll let you keep this one to yourself.” Chris said, his cadence turning anxious.

Elise turned to her husband with a giant grin and sat on his lap, rapping her arms around him and giving him a big kiss on the cheek. “Oh Chris, you’re the best husband a shadowy, quasi government agent could ever ask for.”

Chris chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I know.”

***

“You think we over did it?” Pinkie asked as she and Dan looked into a wooden chest. It filled to the brim with masks, knives, crucifixes, crosses, bottled water labeled with a large cross on it, a machete, a cricket bat, and a random assortment of sports rackets.

“The contents of the chest, or the chest itself?” Dan asked. Motioning to the wooden, foot and a half tall, three feet long, rounded top wooden chest complete with brass handles on the side and four leather bands going across its length.

Pinkie giggled. “I thought you could accessorize.”

Dan glared at her with his one eye. The other still under a black eye patch. “Remind me to poison your food.”

“You didn’t complain when I got you the cutlass.” Pinkie reminded with a smile.

“I…Okay, I’ll give you that one…”

“Hehe, guess looking like a pirate is really a double edged swOWIE!” Pinkie exclaimed as Dan punched her arm. Pinkie frowned. “Was it because of the pun?”

“Only in that cutlasses have one edge.” Dan pointed out.

“Fair enough, but did you have to hit me where I was already bruised?”

“You’re covered in bruise. I can’t help that you suck at blocking.”

Wordlessly Pinkie reached over and poked Dan in the ribs.

“Ow!” Dan responded.

Pinkie smiled slightly and giggled.

Dan narrowed his eyes and jabbed her in the arm.

“Owie!” Pinkie responded. She quickly poked Dan back.

“OW! Why you little…”

Soon the two were engaged in a vicious poking war.

“OWIE! Hehehehe…” Pinkie giggled, assaulting Dan with a flurry of pokes.

“OUCH!” Dan counter attacked. “Stop enjoying this! I’m inflicting pain on you!”

*The next day*

 “Alright. So no matter what Dan and Pinkie look like. No questions. We don’t want to know.” Chris insisted.

Elise nodded. “Right!”

Elise knocked on the door, it quickly opened to reveal Dan clad in his usual getup plus an eye patch, and Mr. Mumbles perched on his shoulder; Pinkie wearing a pink dress that had been decorated with alternating blue and yellow balloons; a short, blue jacket; a random assortment of colorful bracelets; and her pink back slung over her shoulder. Next to Pinkie sat a pink luggage case with a brown box resting on top of it. Next to Dan sat a worn looking, brown suitcase.

Unsurprisingly to Elise and Chris at this point, the roommates were covered in bruises.

“You got an eye patch?!” Chris exclaimed excitedly. “Is this a pirate themed road trip?!”

“Chris, no!” Elise exclaimed, but it was too late.

“Pinkie stuck her thumb in my eye because I had my knee pressed against her solar plexus.” Dan explained.

Elise sighed.

Palm, meet face. Face, palm.

“Uhhh…” Chris merely trailed off.

“He had a good reason for it though!” Pinkie insisted, quickly coming to her roomies defense. “I attacked him with a crowbar!”

Elise removed the hand from her face. “DAN! What did you do to Pinkie to make her attack you?!” She demanded.

“ME?!” Dan exclaimed angrily, gesturing to himself. “Wait! She attacks me and suddenly it’s my fault?”

“Just playing the odds.” Elise stated, narrowing her eyes at Dan.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” Pinkie insisted. “Dan just beat me at a video games several times in a row!” Pinkie explained. “I…er…overacted…”

“Oh, okay.” Elise said simply.

“WHAT?!” Dan exploded in an angry tone.  “She attempts to bash my head in with a crowbar, and she just gets an ‘oh, okay’?!”

“First of all.” Elise began. “By the looks of Pinkie, I’m guessing you fought back.”

“Hehe…yeah…” Dan admitted with a small smile.

“Second of all , show of hands; who here hasthought of inflicting physical violence on a friend or loved one because they kept on beating them at a video game?” Elise said raising a hand.

Pinkie enthusiastically raised a hand.

Dan slowly raised his. “I probably would have attempted strangling Pinkie with a controller just a bit prior if they weren’t wireless.” Dan said shrugging.

Mr. Mumbles meowed a response.

Dan lifted a hand and scratched under his chin. “That’s right, Mr. Mumbles. You did attack me when I kept on beating Ms. Fortune.”

“Wait,” Chris began, “how does Mr. Mumbles play video games?”

“Very adorably.” Pinkie answered with a smile.

Elise gave Chris a look.

Chris sighed and raised his hand. “She just beats me all the time!” he whined.

Pinkie looked around at the show of hands and smiled. “Nice to see I have so many positive influences in my life.” She joked, lowering her hand.

Elise chuckled. “Ready to go?” She asked.

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “Yeah, but can we get some help with our stuff? It’s kinda a lot…”

“Sure, Pinkie!” Chris said with a happy smile.

Dan also smiled, though his was a bit wicked. He dragged out a large, wooden chest.

To Dan’s surprise, Chris’s smile widened. “So, it is a pirate themed road trip!”

“Uhhh…SURE, buddy! Be a good scallywag and take this to the car, would ya?” Dan answered.

“Arrr, matey!” Chris responded. “Oh! Can I get an eye patch, too?”

Pinkie smiled and leaned over slightly to open the fridge, fishing out a black eye patch. “Here, Chris. Sorry it’s a bit cold.”

Chris happily took the eye patch and placed it on his eye, taking a big sniff. “Mmmm! Smells like cupcakes.”  He said, his eyes going distant.

“Just don’t eat it.” Dan commanded.

“No promises.” Chris responded

“Oh!” Pinkie began. “Well if it’s a cupcake you want…”

Chris’s face lit up.

“Uh uh uh.” Dan said waving a finger. “Take our booty to the car first, then you can have a cupcake.”

“Aye aye!” Chris responded, lifting the chest with a grunt and trudging towards the stairs.

Elise eyed the chest wearily and shook her head. “I’m not even going to ask.”

Pinkie smiled. “That’s probably for the best.” Pinkie responded. Her eye’s widened slightly. “Oh! I almost forgot! Elise, can you grab that box? It’s got some of Mr. Mumbles stuff and I baked us some goodies for the trip!”

Elise smiled. “That was very thoughtful.”  She grabbed the box. “Thanks Pinkie.”

 “You’re welcome!” Pinkie said with a huge smile as she walked back into the apartment, and reappeared with a large, red, scabbarded chainsaw held in the other, resting on her right shoulder. She grabbed her luggage case with her free hand.

Elise gave the chainsaw a concerned look as Pinkie gleefully made her way to the car.

“What?” Dan said, catching Elise’s expression. “Survival gear.”

Elise turned to Dan, raising an eyebrow “Survival gear? Against what?!”

“Blood thirsty killers, of course. There the leading cause of unexpected, secluded cabin occupant death, quickly followed by vengeful spirits…or so I’d imagine.” Dan explained.

Elise put on a surprised look. “Uh…”

Just roll with it. Better that these two are armed if things get ugly.

To Dan’s surprise, Elise smiled. “Sounds good to me. Oh, Dan. If you two do run across any blood thirsty killers, could you maybe avoid their head when you savagely counter attack?”

Dan crinkled his brow. “Uh…sure thing Elise. Oh! I almost forgot!” Dan walked back into the apartment, and reappeared with a rag and a green bottle of chloroform as he grabbed his suitcase.

Elise furrowed her brow at the bottle of chloroform. “Okay, I am going to ask about that!” Elise said pointing at the bottle.

Dan smiled wickedly and called out to Pinkie. “Pinkie! How many songs do you know?”

“Uhhhh…” Pinkie called back from the car as she finished loading her chainsaw into the trunk. “I lost count when I started memorizing a bunch of songs from here. Why?”

“Just give it a rough estimate.”

Pinkie looked towards the sky, placing an index finger on her chin. “Probably about 600.” She smiled at Dan. “Plenty to keep us in high spirits all the way the way to Canada!” She announced.

Elise’s concerned expression gave way to shock and apprehension.

Dan’s smile grew. “Ask me again at around hour four.” Dan began walking toward the stairs.

“Merow.” Mr. Mumbles said simply from her perch on Dan’s shoulders.

Elise followed wordlessly, box of goodies in hand.

The two made their way to the car. Dan barely finding room for his suitcase and closing the trunk.

Dan climbed into the backseat of the car. Elise into the passenger side, passing the box back to Pinkie.

Pinkie opened the box and took out a cupcake, passing it to Chris who delightedly devoured it.

“Ahoy, mateys! Shall we be casting offa the shore now?” Chris said in his best pirate voice as he sat behind the steering wheel.

“Aye, aye, captin’!” Pinkie replied, cheerful as ever.

Chris started the car and pulled out into the street. “Yar! Any of you land lubbers know any good sea shanties.

“OOOOO!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. “I do!”

“And so it begins.” Dan sighed out.

“Then let’s hear it, lass!” Chris commanded.

Without need of further provocation, Pinkie broke into song, swinging an arm from side to side.

“♫”

“♫”

Chris smiled and joined in.

“♫”

“♫”

“♫”

“♫”

“♫...”

“CHRIS! CYCLIST!” Elise called out.

“AHH!” Chris pulled the car to the right, narrowly avoiding the bicycle rider to his left.

“GAHK!”

‘THUMP’

 Dan found himself pressed against the window as the car lurched.

Pinkie simply leaned with the vehicle, and continued singing and swinging an arm in rhythm with the music.

“…♫.”

“♫.”

“Chris, maybe you shouldn’t drive with an eye patch on.” Elise said.

“♫”

“But…PIRATES!” Chris protested.

“♫”

“Tell you what, you drive, I’ll where the eye patch.”

“♫”

Chris smiled satisfactorily and took off the eye patch, handing it to Elise who placed it over an eye.

“♫”

Chris, once again, joined Pinkie in singing.

“♫”

“♫”

“♫”

*An hour later*

“She'll be comin’ 'round the mountain when she coooooomes.” Pinkie sang out.

“When she comes.” Chris added.

“She'll be comin’ 'round the mountain when she cooooomes.”

“When she comes.”

Dan an Elise merely pretended the cars and trees outside were interesting as Dan stroked Mr. Mumbles who had curled up in his lap.

*Another hour later*

“Row, Row, Row, your boat…” Pinkie sang as desert passed through the windows.

“Row, Row, Row, your boat…” Chris sang.

“Meow, meow, meow, meow meow….” Mr. Mumbles howled.

Dan angrily texted into his phone. ‘WHY WERE YOU HELPING THEM?!’

“Gently down the stream.” Pinkie sang.

“Gently down the stream.” Chris sang.

“Meow mew meow mew meow!” Mr. Mumbles howled.

Elise picked up her phone and texted back. ‘I didn’t know they’d keep going for over a half an hour!’

“Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily” Pinkie sang.

“Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily” Chris sang.

“Merowerow, Merowerow, Merowerow, Merowerow” Mr. Mumbles howled.

Dan and Elise sighed.

“Life is but a dream.” Pinkie sang.

“Life is but a dream.” Chris sang.

“Meow mew mew mew meow.” Mr. Mumbles howled.

“Row, Row, Row, your boat…” Pinkie Sang.

*Another hour still*

“Gently down the stream.” Pinkie sang as more desert passed.

“Gently down the stream.” Chris sang.

“Meow mew meow mew meow!” Mr. Mumbles howled.

Dan helped tap out a beat as he smashed his head against the window over and over again.

“Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily” Pinkie sang.

“Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily” Chris sang.

“Merowerow, Merowerow, Merowerow, Merowerow” Mr. Mumbles howled.

Elise texted out. ‘I think I’ll make Chris stop for lunch soon…”

‘HOW SOON?!’ Was Dan’s reply.

“Life is but a dream.” Pinkie sang.

“Life is but a dream.” Chris sang.

“Meow mew mew mew meow.” Mr. Mumbles howled.

‘Vegas is about 75 miles away.’ Elise replied

“Row, Row, Row, your boat…” Pinkie sang as desert passed through the windows.

“Row, Row, Row, your boat…” Chris sang.

“Meow, meow, meow, meow meow….” Mr. Mumbles howled.

Dan continued to add percussion to the song via his head against reinforced, Plexiglas windows.

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 32 Pinkie Vs. The Bellagio

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 32 Pinkie Vs. The Bellagio

****

“Ooooh….aaaaaah…” Pinkie called out from her seat as she admired the giant streams of water that shot up into the sky.

This was quickly followed by the ‘click’ of her camera.

Dan rubbed his self-inflicted bruised head.

Well, at least the singing stopped once we got into Vegas….but does she have to do that at EVERY FRICKIN’ THING she sees?!

“Pinkie.” Dan called out. “Mustache Mr. Mumbles.”

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie said affirmatively, reaching into the brown box and pull out a small, fake mustache.

Dan picked the cat up from the middle seat and held her up towards Pinkie.

“Merrrow!” Mr. Mumbles protested.

“I know it itches, Mr. Mumbles.” Dan replied, his voice a bit gentler than his normal tone. “But it’s the only way we can get you in.”

Mr. Mumbles reluctantly allowed Pinkie to apply the small mustache below her nose.

Elise turned and looked at the trio in the back seat skeptically. “A fake mustache? That’s enough?” She asked.

Dan shrugged. “Don’t ask me why it works.”

Mustache applied, Mr. Mumbles crawled up Dan’s arm and onto his shoulder.

“Ooooh….aaaaaah…” Pinkie said as she looked up at the large, somewhat rectangular hotel that shot up over a dozen stories into the sky. A large, pillar like structure sat in the middle with a dome that resembles a crown that read ‘Bellagio’. To the left and right of the pillar, dozens of hotel rooms shot off in a very slightly curved line, giving the entire building a gentle, rounded look.

‘Click’

Chris pulled the car up to the front and a valet in a red shirt and black pants approached to take his keys. Chris handed him the keys and walked towards the entrance of the hotel with Elise. The man held out a hand, palm up, to Dan as Dan walked by. Dan slapped it with a “’Sup?” and small smile.

What is it with these guys and low fives?

The man frowned, and raised his hand up towards Mr. Mumbles who meowed and gave it a swat with his paw.

Dan continued after Elise and Chris.

Pinkie approached the man, her hand already held up in the air at face level. “High five!” She said enthusiastically.

With some degree of confusion, the man slapped her hand.

Pinkie giggled and bounded after Dan as the four people and one cat (or five people as near as anyone could tell) entered the hotel.

“Ooooh….aaaaaah…” Pinkie said as she looked up at an explosion of rainbow colored art above her. Bright, colorful glass in somewhat spherical shapes jutted towards the ground off stems as if a meadow of glass flowers was growing on the ceiling.

‘Click’

The group continued through the beige and red lobby and into a large hall of an assortment of gambling tables, games, and slot machines, as noises poured in from all direction and people walked about from game to game, or sat fixed in front of a machine. Waitresses walked about with an assortment of beverages held high on trays.

“Ooooh….aaaaaah…”

‘Click’

Dan scoffed at his surroundings. “This place is too pretentions.”

“Dan. It’s the Bellagio.” Chris said in a slightly vexed tone of voice.

“I don’t care if they gave it a fancy name!  It’s going on the list!” Dan declared, pulling out a notepad, flipping towards the end, and writing ‘The Bellagio’ down with a pencil.

Pinkie frowned. “I think it’s pretty, and kinda neat! If I weren’t trying to get away from crowds and noise and stuff, I’d probably like to see more of it!”

“You’ll get to see more of it when we come back to burn it down.” Dan countered.

Pinkie’s frown widened, her lower lip puffing out a bit. “But I don’t want to burn it down…and isn’t that a little extreme?” She asked.

Elise leaned over to Dan and softly reminded, “We’re takingChris and Pinkie to an all you can eat buffet here.”

Dan paused. “You know what, Pinkie? You’re right.” Dan said with an evil smile. “I’m sure we can figure out a more appropriate punishment later.”

“Hurray!” Pinkie said happily, wrapping her arms around one of Dan’s and planting a quick peck on his cheek. “You’re the bestest, Dan!”

“Yeah, I know.” Dan replied with a smile.

Elise rolled her eyes with a smile.

I see being the ‘bestest’ only requires not burning down entire structures.

Soon, the group arrived in front of a large door with the word ‘BUFFET’ printed above it in large, blue letters in front of brick like, golden and dark brown, lit panels.

“Five?” A young woman in a white, button up shirt asked from behind a podium.

“Meow.” Mr. Mumbles responded.

The woman smiled. “Right this way, please.” She led the five past a long line of people leading down the hall.

“Did Mr. Mumbles just get us past the line?!” Chris asked surprised.

Dan shot Elise a smug look. “And you weren’t sure about bringing her on the trip.”

The young woman led them into a spacious dining room of beige tiled floors and wooden tables with padded wooden chairs sitting under them. Tall, old fashioned street lamps extended from the floor on poles providing light along with smaller lights embedded in the brown, red, and blue tiled ceiling.

Pinkie gasped and Chris made an excited, hungry sound as the two looked over marble and glass counters upon counters filled with seafood, meats, sushi, fruits, veggies, and pastries.

Pinkie turned to Dan, his arm still firmly held in hers. “…And I can eat as much of this as I want!?” She said in disbelief.

Dan’s evil grew like a bent and twisted tree shooing gnarled branches off in all directions. “Yep. Have as much as you want.”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide and her smile spread across her face like water slowly poured onto a sheet of glass.

*soon*

A young, clean shaven man in a white a chef’s coat, white pants, and a chef apron huddled behind the dessert counter. “I’m not sure how much more I can take!” He announced as his body shook.

“Hang in their Freddie.” An older man with shoulder length, white hair and a close cropped beard, also in a chef’s uniform responded, sitting next to the young man on the ground. “We trained for this.”

“But we only ever prepared for one ‘S level’ eater! Not two…” Freddie protested in a panicked tone.

“He’s right, Hubert.” A young, brown haired, woman responded, her hair tied into a tight bun against the back of her head, also huddled on the ground. “The kitchen staff has buckled under the pressure.” She gulped. “They’ve gone feral. Last I saw, they had erected a pig’s head on a poll and were dancing around it and chanting!”

“They’ll finish eating soon, Mary, don’t worry…” Hubert said. Assuring himself as much as anyone.

“BUT THEY’VE ONLY BEEN HERE 2O MINUTES!” Freddy reminded.

“Ooo! One last piece of carrot cake!” Pinkie exclaimed walking up to the counter. She added it to a plate filled with baked goods and continued back to her table.

Freddie gasped. “The last piece of carrot cake! How dare she take the cake?!”

Hubert’s expression went grim. “I’m sorry, Freddie. You’ll have to alert the kitchen staff.”

The color drained from Freddie’s face. “But…”

Hubert pulled out a large, wooden spoon from his coat and handed it to him. “Here! Use this to protect yourself.”

“Is it…a magic spoon?” Freddie asked hopefully.

Hubert shrugged. “Yeah, sure…may you go with the protection of the mighty spoon.” He answered, handing the spoon to Freddie.

Freddie took it and rose to his feet resolutely. “I shall not fail you! SPOOOOOOON!” He shouted as he ran towards the kitchen.

“Pray for him, Mary.” Hubert said quietly.

Soon, the sounds of Freddie talking to the kitchen staff could be heard. “Hey guys, we’re out of carrot cake and…”

He was cut off as the sound of wild growling and tearing of clothing was heard.

“AHHHH! Why, spoon?! WHYYYYY?!” Freddie called as the noises intensified into a crescendo of savage violence.

Mary closed her eyes and murmured something to herself, making the sign of the cross across her chest with her right hand.

“Hey guys.”

Mary and Hubert flinched looking up to see a smiling face of a tall man, with short brown hair.

“Yes, sir?” Hubert asked.

“You’re out of ice cream,” Chris began, “Could you…”

“Right away, sir.” Hubert turned to the woman sitting next to him and put his hands on her shoulders. “Go into the kitchen, Mary, and sneak towards the freezer. Retrieve the ice cream mix and bring it back. Stay in the shadows.” Hubert’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Stay safe.”

Mary put a hand on one of Hubert’s, “I won’t fail you.” Mary slinked off towards the kitchen.

Hubert stood up to look at Chris. “One of my best.” He said motioning to Mary with a nod of his head.

Chris smiled as he filled his plate with confectionaries. “Great service, here by the way.”

Hubert smiled weakly. “Thank you, sir.”

Elise regarded the huge stacks of plates sitting next to Chris and Pinkie and leaned over to Dan. “Satisfied? These two got the staff here to go all Lord of the Flies in roughly 15 minutes.” She mentioned over a plate of crab legs.

Dan sat in front of a plate loaded high with meat and a small portion of steamed veggies to the side. Dan rubbed his chin, considering this. “Well…that’s pretty good…though I kinda would like to hurt the casino directly…” He grinned. “Maybe we should give Pinkie a few energy drinks.” He suggested.

Elise raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you want to spend several hours trapped in a car with a hyperactive, caffeinated Pinkie Pie?”

Dan frowned. “Touché.”

“Ooo!” Pinkie said, squirming in her chair slightly as she wiped cake frosting off her lips with a napkin. “My back is itchy.”

“So?” Dan asked.

Pinkie smiled. “That means it’s my lucky day.”

“Is this a ‘Pinkie sense’, thing?” Dan asked with a creased brow.

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie responded, enthusiastically bobbing her head up and down.

“Pwinkie swense?” Chris asked through a mouthful of cake.

“Ooo! My body gives me these little, niggling feelings with something is going to happen!” Pinkie explained.

“Pinkie has pulled me out of the way of about a dozen flower pots that mysteriously fell from the sky at some time or another.” Dan added, motioning to Pinkie with a hand.

“Really?” Elise asked skeptically. “How does it work?”

Pinkie raised her hands into a shrug, smile still on her face as she shook her head slightly. “I have no idea.”

“All I know is that it does, and that’s good enough for me.” Dan said.

“Well, I’d like to study it sometime.” Elise offered.

Pinkie smile turned pensive. “That’s… probably not as fun sounding as you’d think it would be.” She answered.

“Hey.” Dan interjected. “Maybe when you two are done eating you can try a few games at the casino.” Dan said to Pinkie, as a mischievous grin entered his features.

Pinkie considered this, resting her cheek against her hand and a forefinger. “Well…we really should be on our way soon…”

“Come on!” Dan insisted. “Just a few games. It’ll be fun!”

Pinkie smiled back at him. “I do like things that are fun!”

Pinkie turned to Chris. “Want to go for one more helping?”

Chris smiled. “DO I!?”

Hubert and a bruised and scratched Mary groaned and ducked behind the dessert counter once more as the two approached.

**

A sharply dressed woman waved to the group as the blue sedan was pulled up. “Come back soon! You’re always welcome at the Bellagio.”

Pinkie smiled and waved back with her free hand, a heavy duty, silver case in her other. “Thank you! I had a great time! Bye-bye!”

“I can’t believe they wanted to give us the suite.” Chris said with a big smile.

“Of course.” Dan commented, happily crossing ‘The Bellagio’ off his list. “They probably hoped they could get their money back.”

Elise was too busy laughing hysterically to respond.

“How much do you think she won?” Chris asked.

“I lost count after the first, $100,000” Dan answered with an evil grin.

The same redshirted valet from before exited the car and handed the keys to Chris.

Before Chris could grab them, Elise quickly snatched them and announced. “Heheheh, I’ll…pfft…drive.”

Chris smiled and walked over to the passenger seat.

Elise giggly entered the driver’s side.

The valet sighed and held out a palm to Dan, who gave it a slap and the valet a smile. The valet raised his hands to Mr. Mumbles who swatted at it again. He held up his hand for Pinkie who shoved a bundle of money in it.

“Buy yourself something extra nice.” Pinkie said with a smile as she walked over to the car.

The valet’s jaw dropped as he examined the large sum of money he was just handed.

Chris looked through the rearview mirror as the valet began giddily dancing about. “How much did you just give him?” Chris asked looking back towards Pinkie.

Pinkie shrugged cheerfully. “Oh I don’t know…whatever is in one of those stacks they filled the case with.”

Chris just smiled as Elise broke into another fit of laughter.

Dan simply chuckled slightly as he removed the mustache from Mr. Mumbles and began stroking her.

“So, Pinkie.” Chris began, leaning back to look into the backseat with a smile. “What should we sing next?”

The levity from Dan and Elise’s face fell to the earth and burned up on reentry.

“Oh! I know!” Pinkie immediately broke into song. “This is the song that never ends...”

Chris smiled and joined in. “Yes, it goes on and on my friends.”

Elise looked back at Dan who held up his green bottle of chloroform.

Elise nodded.

“Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because…”

*Five minutes outside Las Vegas.*

“This is the...snore…song that never ends…”Chris said, deep in sleep.

Dan grunted as he held up Chris’s legs under the knees. “I think he ate his own weight in prime ribs.”

Elise, likewise, struggled as she held Chris up with her hands placed under his arms. “I just wish they’d stop singing!”

“Yes it…snooze…goes on and on…snore…my friend…” Pinkie replied from the backseat, Mr. Mumbles sleeping on her lap in a fuzzy, grey ball.

With no small amount of effort, Dan and Elise loaded the unconscious Chris into the back seat. Elise leaned over to fasten his seatbelt.

“Some people…zzz…started singing it not…snore…knowing what it was…”

Elise returned to the driver’s seat as Dan sat down in the passenger seat.

“At least they’re quieter now…” Dan said irritably.

The two continued their infinite duet complete with synchronized snores from the back.

“I can’t believe they’re keeping in time with each other, though! They both must be on the same doofus wavelength.” Dan commented, irritation still present in his voice. With a sigh, he turned to Elise. “So, how long do you think Chris will be out?” Dan asked.

Elise sighed started the car and started to pull back onto the Freeway. “Maybe we can get to Salt Lake before he’s up. I think he’s starting to build a resistance to chloroform.” Elise glanced over at Dan. “What about Pinkie.”

“We’ll be very lucky if we get that far. Pinkie has some sort of crazy fast metabolism.” Dan answered. “I think it’s because she never stops moving, ever.”

Elise scrunched her mouth to a side of her face. “I’ll drive fast.”

After a bit of relative silence (the singing and gentle snoring becoming little more than quiet background noise), Elise spoke up. “So…how are things with you and Pinkie?”

Dan took a break from staring out at the expansive desert to look back at Elise. “You mean, besides her recent attempt to club me to death?”

“Er…” Elise smiled nervously. “Yes, aside from that that.”

Dan shrugged. “I guess she’s been less hopeless now that she isn’t tripping over stuff every five minutes.”

“…That’s it?” Elise asked, a small amount of disappointment entering her voice.

Dan eyed Elise wearily. “What the heck am I supposed to say?” He faced forward and motioned with his hands out at the road in front of the car. “We have fun together at the apartment and we go out for food or vengeance purposes and sometimes people get hurt and something gets burned down and we have fun then, too.”

“Come on!” Elise said with a smile. “You spend almost every waking second with the girl and probably every sleeping second with her and you really don’t see her as more than your roommate?”

“Well…” Dan trailed off, staring off into the road as white stripes and white poles adorned with orange reflectors on the top zoomed towards and past the car. “I guess she’s a bit more than that…” He admitted.

Elise smiled to herself as she slowly broke down Dan’s defenses. “Just take a look back there at that cute, sleeping girl in the backseat and tell me how you feel.”

Dan narrowed eyes laced with suspicion at Elise, but complied nonetheless. He twisted in his chair and looked behind him.

Pinkie looked uncharacteristically peaceful in her pink dress as her head rested against her blue jacket clad shoulder. Light poured into the back of the car and her bright, curly, pink hair shimmered in the rays. Her light skin was turned golden as the Nevada sun washed over her sleeping face and down her décolletage to the neckline of her dress.

Dan’s eyes widened and his pupils dilated as he sat transfixed by the sleeping beauty in front of him. “I feel…” He began to answer.

“Yeees?”Elise cooed.

“SNORE…yes it goes on and on my friend…” Pinkie murmured.

“I feel a strong and sudden urge to crawl back there and stick a rag in her mouth.” Dan said, his eyes narrowing into slits. He reached for his seatbelt buckle.

Elise quickly reached over and put a hand on Dan’s arm.

“Unhand me strumpet!” Dan protested turning his head to leverage an angry glare at Elise.

“Do you want her to wake up?” Elise asked, lowering her chin and staring at Dan with large, inquisitive eyes.

Dan sighed and settled back into his seat.

After another pause Dan spoke up. “Favorite horror movie?”

“Hmmmm?” Elise asked.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Did I stutter? Favorite horror movie?!” He stressed.

Elise paused and answered, “The Campground Chainsaw Unpleasantness.” Her mouth pulled up into a smile.

“Yeah, I hear that.” Dan said, smiling back and holding up a fist.

Elise gave him a friendly fist bump. Elise turned back to the road. “Okay, my turn…hmmm….Favorite zombie movie?”

Dan smiled. “Night of the Living Dead.” He paused and added. “1968”

“Ooo, old school, ‘eh?”

Dan shrugged. “Gotta love the classics. Yours?”

“World War Z.”

“HA!” Dan erupted snidely.“Don’t tell me it’s just because of Brad Pitt!”

“Well, he is handsome…” Elise said, trailing off slightly.

“Yeah, he sure is…” Dan said wistfully, he shook his head to clear it.  “...I mean, you have to have a better reason than that!”

Elise shrugged and blushed slightly, “I kinda like the agent running around the world fighting zombies aspect…” She admitted.

“Ahhh, so it’s a spy thing.”

“Hey! You gotta admit the whole attack on Israel was pretty cool.”

Dan chuckled, “Alright, I’ll give you that…Vampire movie? Wait…let me guess. Interview with the Vampire.” Dan said with a smug smile.

“Heh. Don’t think you can get me on the Pitt angle.” Elise responded, mirroring Dan’s smile. “Let the Right One In.”

Dan frowned slightly. “The Swedish one? I only saw the American…”He admitted.

Elise smiled. “I’ll have to let you borrow it. It’s great! Your turn.”

“From Dusk Till Dawn.” Dan replied.

Elise scoffed slightly. “Still worshiping at Tarantino’s altar, I see. I was sure you’d say ‘Nosferatu’.”

“Hey! Tarantino is awesome!” Dan protested. “And Nosferatu is just for people who are desperate to show they’re cultured!”

Elise giggled, “Tell me what you really think, Dan. Let’s see…Werewolf?”

The blue sedan cruised over the highway occupied by the sounds of a two sleeping occupants engaged in an endless song punctuated by snores and another two happily comparing movie tastes.

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 33 Pinkie Vs. Road Trip

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 33 Pinkie Vs. Road Trip

****

Rules about lyrics utterly destroyed this chapter. So, definitely read it from here.

****

“Do you think we drove into an alternate dimension while we were asleep?” Pinkie whispered to Chris, leaning over.

Chris pondered this. “It would explain a lot.” He whispered motioning to the two sitting in the front of the car.

“Yeah…I mean…they seem to be getting along…” Pinkie mused. “…Without injuring anyone.” She added.

Chris shrugged. “It’s happened on occasion…”

“Still…can we take that risk that Dan and Elise just decided to have a friendly conversation about their favorite movies?”

“Yeah…I see what you mean...” Chris said, carefully eyeing the two up front. “Maybe we can test them?”

Pinkie pondered this as a smile slowly creped across her face like a spider across a floor. “Follow my lead.”

Quietly, Pinkie began to sing. “One million buckets of oats on the wall, one millionbuckets of oats.”

Chris grinned wide and joined in the singing.

“You take one down, pass it around, nine-hundred-ninety-nine-thousand-nine-hundred-ninety-nine   buckets of oatson the waaaall!”

“Chris! Pinkie! No!” Elise exclaimed.

Dan turned towards the back seat, his face red with rage. “I WILL COME BACK THERE AND I WILL CUT OPEN YOU TWO AND STRANGLE YOU BOTH…”—Dan crossed his arms in front of him and leveraged angry index fingers at Chris and Pinkie—“...WITH EACH OTHERSENTRAILS!”

Pinkie and Chris exchanged huge grins and announced. “It’s them.” In unison.

Mr. Mumbles yawned as Pinkie began stroking her. Mr. Mumbles purred in response.

Elise chuckled as Dan put on a sullen expression and turned back in his seat.

“So…umm…How did I end up in the back seat?” Chris asked, afraid he already knew the answer.

“We chloroformed the both of you because you were being insufferable.” Dan answered.

Chris frowned. “Not cool!” He declared.

“Oooooh, mystery solved.” Pinkie said simply.

Chris looked over to her. “You’re not even a little upset about this?” He asked, throwing his forearms out, palms up.

Pinkie smiled and raised her hands into a shrug. “I’m pretty used to it by now. As long as I wake up in the car next to Dan or in the apartment, I don’t mind.” Her smile grew as she placed her hands on the side of the car seat in front of her and peaked around it to look at Dan. “I’ve even been knocked out in the car and woke up in the bed a few times.”

Dan blushed slightly.

“Now, who do you suppose carried me up all those stairs and all the way into the apartment?” Pinkie purred as her smile changed into a sly grin.

Dan crossed his arms and stared out into the darkening expanse of tree and fence lined asphalt. “You’re heavy.” He replied simply.

“Awww…” Elise uttered from the driver seat.

“Don’t encourage her!” Dan wined agitatedly, looking at Elise.

“What? I think it’s sweet!” Elise said. “I drag Chris to the bed when I knock him out, sometimes, too…”

Chris frowned. “Well, as nice as it is to wake up in a soft bed wondering what the heck happened as opposed to the floor, I think I’d prefer to not be knocked out at all!”

“Chris,” Pinkie began, putting a hand on the tall man’s shoulder and leaning over, “sometimes people just need some quiet time and chloroform is an easy-peasy, if toxic, way of getting that!”

“Yeah, Chris!” Dan insisted with a toothy grin. “What are you suggesting? That I hit Pinkie over the head to knock her out? That would just be barbaric!”

“But, I..!” Chris protested before he sighed. “I’ll just be quiet now…”

Elise chuckled.

Pinkie giggled and sat back in her seat. “How long were we out?”

“About four hours.” Elise replied.

“Oh, well…that would explain why I have to use the bathroom really, really bad!” Pinkie said with a slightly pained look, crossing her legs.

Chris’s stomached made a churning sound. “Yeah, me too.” He said meekly.

“It’s what you two get for eating so much!” Dan replied.

Pinkie pouted. “You said I could! Also, how was I to know you’d chloroform me?”

Dan turned back to fix his roomie with an evil grin. “Didn’t your Pinkie Sense warn you?”

Pinkie shook her head. “I don’t have one for imminent chloroforming.”

“Don’t worry.” Elise said. “We’re almost to Salt Lake. We’ll stop there and grab dinner.” She said as the trees and concrete barriers gave way slightly to buildings that lined the side of the interstate.

Pinkie and Chris glanced at each other and gave a quick “Yay!” in unison.

“Wait…an entire lake made out of salt?” Pinkie asked. “That sounds kinda…super irresponsible. Do people just walk around drunk on salt all the time?”

The other car occupants went quiet.

“Yeah, I’m not even going to touch that one.” Dan said.

“Touch what?” Pinkie asked in a confused tone, raising an eyebrow.

“Nothing. Shut up.” Dan replied. “Great Salt Lake is just a really big lake that has a lot of salt in it.”

“Ooooh.” Pinkie replied. “Sounds…umm…salty?” Pinkie offered.

“Here guys, I’ll pull over at the next exit, and we’ll figure out a place to eat.”

*soon*

Dan grinned a toothy smile full of sharp teeth. “Hey, we found a Lenny’s.”

Pinkie giggled. “No way!” She said with a smile.

“Eyup.” Dan replied.

The color drained from Elise’s face.

“Ooooh! Sounds great. I could really go for a super grand slam with an extra side of bacon.” Chris said hungrily.

“No, please no!” Elise pleaded. “Anything but…”

*-ooooo-*

Dan laughed maniacally from the driver’s seat as Pinkie suffered from a giggle fit in the passenger seat.

Chris and Elise sat in the back. Mr. Mumbles curled on Elise’s lap. Chris had a slightly concerned look on his face. Elise had her face buried in both palms.

“Hahahaha…Did you see their…pffft…faces?!” Dan asked.

“Hehehehe…KABOOM!” Pinkie shouted jumping in her seat as much as the seatbelt would allow and flinging her hands in the air, smacking them against the car ceiling. “Syrup, EVERYWHERE!”

“It could have been worse.” Chris said softly to his wife.

Elise removed a hand and glanced at Chris with a raised eyebrow. “How could it have been worse?!”

“Well…we got under the table before they set off the syrup bomb…” Chris offered. “Oh! And nothing got set on fire.” Chris added.

Elise sighed quietly, one hand still covering half her face. “That…kinda actually is a plus in this case, isn’t it?”

Chris shrugged. “It’s all relative with these two.”

“Hehehe…”Pinkie slowly gained a foothold over her giggles and turned to face Chris. “So! What should we sing next?”

“Pinkie, if you begin another round of obnoxious singing, I will crash this car on the passenger’s side.” Dan threatened.

Elise removed the hand from her face and looked up with a worried expression.

“Is that a dare, or a doubley-doggy-darey?!” Pinkie asked, giving her roomie a mischievous grin.

“Do you really want to find out?” Dan responded in a threatening tone.

Pinkie’s grin widened. “I know a song that’ll get on your nerves, Get on your nerves, get on…EEEEEP!” Pinkie exclaimed as Dan pulled the car to the right and the concrete barrier suddenly got substantially closer.

“AH!” Chris said in alarm, leaning over to wrap protective arms around his wife.

“Dan, could you NOT crash our car?” Elise asked in a demanding tone.

“What! It’s not my fault you decided to sit behind her. And you’re buckled in! You’d, probably, live.” Dan insisted.

“Mr. Mumbles isn’t.” Elise pointed out.

“Merow.” Mr. Mumbles mewed sadly from Elise’s lap.

Dan gave an exasperated sigh. “FINE!” He glanced at Pinkie with eyes narrowed into slits. “Just pick something that doesn’t make me want to murder you.”

Pinkie paused with an “Hmmmmm…” and a smile slowly spread across her face. Softly, she began to sing.

"♫"

"♫"

Elise and Chris smiled and joined in.

♫

Dan’s grumpy expression slowly softened until he was grinning.

"♫"

Dan suddenly joined in the singing, claiming a line from the song.

"♫"

The other occupants of the car smile’s widened as the opted to become Dan’s background singers.

"♫"

Dan chimed in.

"♫"

"♫"

*a few minutes later.”

"♫"Dan sung.

"♫" His passengers replied.

"♫"  Everyone sang.

[i"♫" Elise sung in a high pitch.

"♫" Chris responded in a much lower pitch

"♫" Elise sung.

"♫" Chris sang.

The smiling occupants of the car once again joined voices.

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"Dan sang, bobbing his head to side to side with the rhythm.

Everyone else in the car threw out their hands towards Dan.

"♫"

“"♫"

"♫" Pinkie sang, imitating a piano.

Dan continued."♫"

Bismillah "♫""♫" Chris and Elise answered.

"♫" Pinkie pleaded from the front seat, placing her palms flat against each other, putting her hands under her chin, and  turning and facing the couple with a grin.

Chris reached his hands over and placed them on Dan’s shoulders. "♫"

"♫"Pinkie responded, feigning struggling to get one of Chris’s arms off Dan.

"♫"Chris and Elise responded.

"♫" Dan sang.

"♫" The other three responded.

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

The four joined their voices again.

"♫"

"♫"

"♫" Dan sang, attempting to feign distress through his smile.

Everyone sang in unison again.

“"♫""♫"**

The four mimicked the sound of a guitar as they all began a round of vigorous head banging. Pinkie’s long hair flew in all directions from the passenger seat.

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

*soon*

"♫" Dan sang quietly.

"♫"

"♫"His backup singers responded.

“Crushshshshshs…” Pinkie said, mimicking a gong.

The four broke out into guffaws, chuckles, giggles, and laughter.

Dan smiled. “Alright, my turn.” He grinned mischievously. “I know a great driving song.”

Still smiling, Chris piped up. “Uh-oh. Should we be worried? That tone tells me we should be worried.”

Pinkie giggled. “Probably.” She answered.

"♫" Dan sang,his mischievous face starting to go full evil.

Pinkie joined him on the next line, looking over with an equally evil grin.

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

Dan’s evil smile widened until he was grinning malevolently with every muscle on his face.

Pinkie’s looked much the same.

Dan pressed down on the accelerator and continued his grim duet with Pinkie as Chris and Elise exchanged nervous grins from the back.

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

"♫"

*Later…*

“I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts” Chris and Pinkie sang.

“Gah! LAME!” Dan declared.

Pinkie paused as Chris continued singing.

“There they are, all standing in a row”

She smiled at Dan. “Cheer up, it’ll be your turn soon enough.”

“Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head”

Dan sighed. “Yeah, I guess…”

*Later still…*

"♫" Elise sang softly.

Chris joined in.

"♫"

“Also, LAME!” Dan protested.

"♫"

Pinkie shushed him. “I like it. Don’t worry, I’ll pick something cool for my song.”

"♫"

“You better!” Dan stressed.

*hours of driving and singing later*

Chris yawned as Dan continued cutting through the dark night with the bright headlights of the car.

Elise had scooted over to the middle seat and was fast asleep leaning against her husband with her arms wrapped around one of his.

Pinkie had leaned her seat back and was likewise snoozing away as Mr. Mumbles laid curled on her lap.

“Hey Dan, pull over at the next exit, will you? We've hit the halfway point already.”

“Pfft… You lightweight sissies, it’s barely after one!” Dan exclaimed

“We don’t all stay up until we can hear the birds chirping, Dan.”

“What?!” Dan protested. “They’re soothing!”

“Look, I have to drive tomorrow, too, and I kinda would like something resembling a full night’s sleep in a bed before I get behind the wheel.

“Weenie.” Dan responded.

Pinkie yawned from the seat next to Dan. “Dan, just find us the niceeest hotel you can find.” Pinkie said, eyes barely opening in a half awake state. “My treat.”

“But they just named this stupid city after the state it’s in!” Dan protested. “I don’t want to encourage such laziness!”

Pinkie opened her eyes a bit more and batted her eyelids at her roomie. “Please, Dan?”

Dan sighed. “Oh, alright…” He said in an irritated tone of voice. “…stupid Idaho Falls…” He muttered.

Chris smirked. “Oh, I see. You call me names, but you’ll listen to her!”

Pinkie giggled softly.

 Dan paused. “She outranks you.”

Chris’s smirk transformed into a frown. “Outranks me? In what?”

“The Dan Army, of course.” Dan replied.

“What?!” Chris exclaimed. “I’ve been pretty much the entire Dan Army until you met Pinkie!” He insisted.

Dan smiled as he drove the car onto an off-ramp. “Not quite, Mr. Mumbles joined before Pinkie, and she outranks you, too.”

Mr. Mumbles mewed softly from Pinkie’s lap.

“Oh, come on!” Chris protested. “Mr. Mumbles is a cat!”

“That’s Lieutenant Mr. Mumbles to you!” Dan responded. “And you’ll salute when addressing her…and me…and Pinkie.”

“Hehehe…” Pinkie responded softly.

Chris narrowed his eyes and continued frowning. “What’s my rank?”

“The lowest. You’re ‘the Chris’.” Dan replied.

“That’s not even a real rank.” Chris responded.

“That’s just how low it is!” Dan retorted.

“HeheHahahaha!” Pinkie said, her giggled giving way to full laughter.

Chris put on a sullen look. “Okay, what’s Pinkie’s rank?”

“Uhhh…” Dan glanced to the side for a second. “Commodore.” He answered.

“Commodore is a navy rank, Dan.” Chris said flatly.

“Uhh…” Dan trailed off.

Pinkie turned her body to look at Chris and announced. “The Dan Army has its own special ranking system!” She insisted.

“Hey! No tag teaming!” Chris objected.

Dan grinned at his roommate. “See Chris? This is the sort of stuff you’d know if you had ever managed to rise in the ranks.”

Chris crossed his arms. “Alright then, how does one raise up in the ranks of the Dan Army?”

“You can do my bidding with less whining and protesting, for starters…oh, and be more handsome…or at least less goofy looking.”

“Heeey!” Chris protested.

“Don’t worry, honey.” Elise spoke up, softly. “You’re still number one in the Elise Special Forces.” She assured, tightening her grip slightly.

“Awww…” Pinkie uttered with a small smile.

“Stop encouraging insubordination!” Dan whined. “Otherwise, I might have to demote you to rear admiral.

Chris smiled. “Rear admiral is higher than commodore.”

“Not in the Dan Army, it’s not!” Dan insisted forcefully.

“Hmmmmm, the Dan Army could use some flow charts, or something...” Pinkie mused.

Dan pulled the car into a parking lot.

“There, that looks pretty big.” Dan said, motioning out to a large, four story tall hotel with a large entrance and porte-cochère jutting out of the center. “We’ll probably get a nice view of the stupid river when it’s light.”

“Ooo, Fancy and Smancy!” Pinkie commented.

“Alright, Commodore, mustache Mr. Mumbles.” Dan ordered.

“Aye, aye…uh…Dan.” Pinkie responded with a happy smile and salute.

Dan exited the car, threw the keys in the back seat, closed the driver side door, walked to the passenger side, opened the door for Pinkie, and leaned down to unbuckle her seatbelt for her as the recently mustached Mr. Mumbles jumped off her lap and onto Dan’s shoulder.

Pinkie giggled and brushed some of her hair from the side of her face as Dan stood back up. Pinkie bent down to grab her pink bag and looked up to see Dan holding out a hand for her. Pinkie smiled wide enough to make an audible squee sounds as she took the hand and Dan helped her to her feat.

 “My, such the gentleman.” Pinkie cooed as she planted a peck on Dan’s cheek.

Dan smiled at her and turned to Chris. “Get the luggage, Chris.” He paused as his teeth emerged from his smile. “Oh, and get the bags, too.”

“Hey!” Chris and Elise said and unison.

Dan turn and ran towards the hotel shouting, “Oh no! The Elise Special Forces are attacking! Protect your commander and Lieutenant with your life, Commodore.”

Pinkie pointed a finger to herself and put on a ‘Who, me?’ expression. “Wait! How am I going to pay for our rooms if I’m taken prisoner?”

Dan stopped and turned, his toothy grin and the silver case he was holding glinting under a parking lot light.

Pinkie laughed and gave chase. “You JERK! I won that money fairsees and squaresees!”

“The Dan Army thanks you for your contributions!” Dan shouted as the automatic doors opened for him and he ran into the hotel, Pinkie sprinting after him.

Chris sighed, but suddenly felt a gentle hand on his chest. He looked down to see his wife smiling up at him with big, violet eyes.

“Let them have their fun. I think grabbing a couple suitcases is a small price to pay for a fancy hotel room and a view of the river.” Elise reasoned.

Chris smiled down at her, rubbing the back of his head. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

The two sat up and exited the car as Elise grabbed the keys.

“Hey, Chris?” Elise said as the two made their way to the trunk of the car.

“Hmmm?” He responded.

“Do me a favor and just stay ‘the Chris’ in the Dan Army. I’d prefer if you didn’t explode syrup over any restaurants.” Elise stated.

Chris smiled. “Of course, sweetie.” His smile dropped slightly. “I doubt I could keep up with those two, anyway.”

Elise leaned up to give her husband a quick kiss on the cheek. “I doubt anyone could.”

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 34 Pinkie Vs. Idaho

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 34 Pinkie Vs. Idaho

****

Elise sighed contently as she walked along the paved trial path with her husband, his hand firmly held in hers. To their left was a small road sitting next to a long stretch of grass and a canal with a series of hotels on the other side of it, to their right was green shrubbery, trees, and a large river that shimmered in the morning sun

“So nice of Pinkie to get us our own suite.” She said looking out across the river at the trees and houses on the other side.

Chris chuckled. “Hard to believe we actually got some peace and quiet on this trip.”

“Heh, Yeah.” Elise agreed as she looked up towards her husband. “How long do you think it’ll last?”

Chris smiled down at her. “How long do you think Dan and Pinkie will sleep?”

*

 “Pinkie?” Dan growled out in an irritated tone of voice.

“Yes, Dan?” Pinkie responded sweetly.

“This is a king sized bed, is it not?” Dan continued in his same grumpy tone of voice.

“That’s what the nice lady downstairsees said!” Pinkie responded cheerfully.

“Then why, pray tell, do I find myself at the edge of the bed with your arms wrapped around me?” Dan demanded as he found pink, pajama clad arms surrounding his bare torso.

Light eked in from the thin, white shades over the hotel window into the room, covering it with masked daylight; light and dark brown curtains hung like a ruffled frame around it. Dan laid down facing away from the window getting a wonderful view of the lamp sitting next to him on a nightstand, a digital clock that read out 8:04 on the same nightstand, the beige wall, and a serene, framed picture of a farmhouse sitting next to a lake.

Pinkie gave her roommate’s question some thought. “Hmmmmm…You’re very cuddly.” She offered, smiling and rubbing her face against the back of Dan’s head. “And you smell nice. Also, Mr. Mumbles has the other side of the bed.”

“Meow.” Mr. Mumbles replied.

“I am not cuddly!” Dan insisted. His eyes narrowed as he saw a grey mass of fur led by large, green eyes approach along the edge of the bed. Mr. Mumbles nuzzled his chin and purred, curling up next to his neck.

Pinkie giggled. “Looks like you were just outvoted.” She said, tightening her grasp on Dan.

Dan frowned. “I’m going to start wrapping myself with barbed wire before I go to bed. How does that sound?”

“Ermmm…painful.” Pinkie replied. “For all three of us.”

Dan furrowed his brow. “Grrr…fine! No barbed wire. Just…just go back to your side of the bed. It’s way too early for your huggy nonsense.”

“Hmmmm…nawww.” Pinkie said. “I’m happy like this.” She said with a huge grin.

“Well, I’m not.” Dan insisted. His eyes went wide as he felt Pinkie pull him closer towards her and her head shift from behind his head to the side of it. Dan’s heart started pounding in his chest as he felt Pinkie’s breath against his ear.

“Liar.” She whispered softly, the tips of her lips lightly brushing against his earlobes and sending shivers down his body.

Dan swallowed as he felt Pinkie’s fingertips lighting curl against his skin. “Pinkie, what..?HeheheheHAHAHAHA, STOP THAT!” Dan demanded through a fit of laughter as Pinkie took full advantage of her position and subjected Dan to a relentless tickle torture session.

Mr. Mumbles took this opportunity to hop off the bed.

“I told you what happens to liars, didn’t I?” Pinkie said with a mischievous grin.

“HAHahah…you…weeze…said that was in the…hahahaha…apartment!” Dan argued.

Pinkie’s grin widened. “Oh! So I did. I guess that just means you’ll have to fight back.” She said as she continued her light, frantic, touching assault.

“HEheheHahahaOUCH!” Dan exclaimed loudly as he doubled up on his ribs.

Pinkie stopped her attack. “Dan?! What’s wrong?!” She asked with no small amount of concern in her voice.

“One of my ribs you hit with the crowbar, I think you may have actually cracked it.” Dan said in a pained tone of voice.

“Oh no! Dan I’m so sorry, let me have a look!” Pinkie said as she quickly moved her hands off of Dan.

Dan breathed in and out deeply and rolled onto his back as Pinkie moved her face in closer to examine his ribs.

“Dan, I don’t see any…” Pinkie trailed off as she noticed Dan’s mischievous grin, but it was too late. A flash of white collided with her face as Dan quickly wiped the pillow up from under his head and smacked Pinkie with it. The next thing she felt was Dan rolling over onto her and pressing down with the pillow on her face with one hand as his hand made its way under her pajama shirt and found its way to one of her sides.

“Hahahehehehe…mghpghmpgh…heheheHAHA! Good…mmmpghg…Good one!” Pinkie said as she struggled to keep the pillow off her face and Dan’s hand from her side. “HAHAHA…mmffghgh…Alright! Alright! HAhahahehehe…I give…mfffphghffmmm…Uncle, already!”

“Mercy is for the weak!” Dan declared as he moved his other hand to the pillow and pressed down.

“MMMMFFFFGHGHG!” Pinkie said in alarm as she tried to remove Dan’s arms. Finding them quite unremovable, she reached out towards the other side of the bed. Feeling a pillow, she crabbed it, and swung it with all her strength, clocking Dan with it.

“Gah!” Dan exclaimed from the surprise attack, giving Pinkie the opportunity to throw him off of her towards the foot of the bed, and roll off of it, pillow firmly in hand.

“You want to play rough, roomie?!” Pinkie asked through a giant smile as she wielded her pillow in both hands. “Then, let’s play rough!”

Dan grinned as he jumped off the bed and likewise held his pillow aloft with both hands. “En garde!” He declared as he lunged towards Pinkie, holding his weapon high.

Pinkie likewise lunged and raised her pillow, bringing it down towards Dan as his pillow rapidly approached her.

*Several minutes of close quarter pillow fighting and attempted tickle combat later…*

Dan and Pinkie sat on the floor, backs against the foot of the bed. Both in hysterics as feathers continued to fall from the sky and land on them in a thin cover of white, downy snow.

“Hehehe…whoops. I guess I better tip the hotel well…” Pinkie commented, blowing feathers off her nose.

Dan stood up and brushed feathers off of himself. “I have to admit, I’m far less tempted to burn this place down than usual.” He held a hand out to Pinkie who happily accepted it as Dan helped her up to her feet.

“Feel better?” Dan asked with a slight smile.

Pinkie smiled. “Yeah, I think I do.”

Dan stretched and yawned. “Good. I’m looking forward to kicking your butt at more video games and not suffering a concussion for my efforts.”

Pinkie giggled. “I think pillows are more fun than my crowbar, anyways.”

Pinkie walked across dark red and white checkered carpet and out of the open bedroom door. She walked into the living area of the suite. It looked much the same as the bedroom, though much larger and with cherry wood colored furniture. She walked past a dresser with an LCD TV sitting on top of it, an office chair in front of a desk, made her way over to the sliding pane glass door, and opened the shades to the balcony. “Oooooooo…” She uttered staring over the railing and out at the shimmering river below and the large, white church that towered up towards a point high above the tree tops. “Hey, Dan. C’mere a second, will you?”

“What?” Dan called in a mildly irritated tone as he pulled a black ‘JERK’ shirt over his head and peaked out into the room.

“Just…come here, okay?” Pinkie asked, turning her head over her shoulder towards him with a small smile.

Dan wordlessly made his way across the room and stood next to Pinkie, looking out the window and at the river and church across it.

“Yeah?” He asked. “It’s…nice, I guess…peaceful.”

Pinkie smile and nodded. “I known.” She replied simply.

Dan was surprised to feel a hand reach out for his. His face flushed as he glanced at Pinkie, her smiling, sunlit face transfixed on the river across and below them.

Pinkie turned to Dan with a content smile.

Dan pulled his face back ever so slightly as her sky-blue eyes seemed to pierce into his green eyes as if they were searching for something.

“Dan?” Pinkie asked softly.

“Uh…yeah, Pinkie?”

Pinkie’s content smile gave way to a full, grin. “Do you think we could reach the river from here?” She asked.

Dan blinked a few times attempting to reconcile the sudden shift in mood and looked back out the window. “…What?! Like…if we jumped?!” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Between the balcony and the river stood a large lawn for the hotel, some wild flowers, a canal, more lawn, a small road, even more lawn a paved trail and a final bit of lawn and shrubs.

“Of course not, silly!” Pinkie insisted. “What if we used the rest of the dynamite we brought for the trip?”

Dan’s left eye twitched a bit. “You want to explode us…out of the hotel room…and into the river?” He asked quizzically.

Pinkie brought up her free hand and waved dismissively. “No, no, no, no, no. What if we used the gunpowder to make some rockets and say…attach them to something, and then we can ride that thingy.”

Dan looked back out the window. “Hmmm…well….if we made a ramp to go over the railing…that would at least send us upwards.” Dan frowned. “Though, I don’t know enough about rockets to actually make one…”

Pinkie grinned a sweet, but evil smile as she let go of Dan’s hand and brought both her palms together just slightly under her nose. She rubbed them together as she looked outside. “I do.” She cooed.

Dan put on a surprised expression and turned to look at her. “You do?!”

Pinkie cocked her head slightly and gave Dan a small grin. “Yep. I told you I was born to party, and the best parties always have fireworks.” She explained.

Dan turned back to the river as his surprised expression gave way to a creeping, toothy grin that slowly established residence across his face. “Alright, let’s get cleaned up and grab some breakfast downstairs.” Dan suggested. “We can talk it over then.”

“Yay!” Pinkie said victoriously as she turned towards her pink luggage bag for a change of clothing.

**

Elise looked at her watch and frowned as Chris and she returned to the hotel. “It’s getting kind of late. Do you think they’re still asleep?”

Chris glanced up at the hotel and examined one of the balconies carefully. His lips pulled and scrunched to the side of his face as he noticed a large dining room folding table was set up against the railing at an angle. “No, they’re definitely up…to something” Chris said, pointing at the balcony.

Elise followed the finger to the table. “It looks like…a ramp? Oh dear…that can’t be good…”

‘BOOOOOOOOM’

“Wheeeeeeeee!” Pinkie exclaimed as she hung onto metal, yellow bars at the front of a long, flat luggage cart that had been turned into a rocket cart.

Dan, also clinging to the bars, laughed maniacally as the cart propelled forward, onto the table ramp that had been setup and off into the sky.

Chris and Elise looked up with wide eyes as the cart sailed overhead, casting a shadow over them briefly as it soared four stories high and began to descend.

‘SPLASH’

Chris and Elise looked out into the water with concerned expressions, large ripples radiated from the spot where the cart had crashed, with small bubbles surfacing in the center.

Soon, the water’s surface was disturbed again as Dan and Pinkie emerged, laughing and giggling to themselves as Pinkie wiped her soaked hair back off her face.

“Nailed it!” Pinkie declared triumphantly throwing a fist into the air.

“Hehehe…you’re a mad genius, Pinkie.” Dan declared.

“Aww, I couldn’t have done it without your work on the ramp.” Pinkie replied with a smile.

The two exchanged a quick high five.

Dan shivered slightly, “Gah, could this water be any colder? Let’s get out of here.”

Pinkie nodded happily and the two began swimming back to shore.

Chris sighed. “Good thing we packed and checked out early.”

Elise matched his sigh. “Yeah, definitely don’t want to go back to the hotel after that.”

Pinkie looked towards Dan and giggled. “Good thing we packed and checked out early.”

Dan chuckled. “Yeah, definitely don’t want to go back to the hotel after that.”

“Don’t worry, I left them two of those bundles of cash anOUCHIE!” Pinkie exclaimed as Dan and she approached the shore, still a few feet out into the water.

Chris and Elise turned with a concerned look at the two swimmers.

“Pinkie? Are you alright? What happened?” Dan asked, with a noted amount of apprehension in his voice.

“Something cut me!” Pinkie cried, lifting up her chin to show a long, jagged cut across her neck.

“Here…” Dan helped Pinkie to the shore and helped her out of the water. Her red, floral shirt clung to her body and, much like Dan’s, her jeans had turned a darker shade of blue after being soaked. “Let me look…” He said as he and Pinkie climbed to their feet.

Pinkie gritted her teeth and lifted her chin up further.

“Huh…it’s shallow, and it doesn’t look like it was made with a blade, or anything.”

There was a splash from the river’s edge, and Dan and Pinkie looked out to see a foot long fish jump and slap its tail on the water disapprovingly at the two.

“Uh…A fin?” Dan suggested, looking at the fish. Dan narrowed his eyes at it and angrily pointed at it. “YOU’LL GET YOURS, FISH!” He shouted angrily. “You’re going on the list!” He threatened angrily.

Dan felt a comforting hand on his shoulder and turned to see Pinkie smiling weakly as she rubbed her fresh cut. “It’s okay, Dan. Maybe we wrecked his home when we crashed into the water.”

Dan sighed. “Fine, let’s just get back to the car.”

“Are you two alright?” Elise asked.

Dan and Pinkie turned to see Chris and Elise standing a few feet away from them.

“That jerk trout gave her a nasty cut on the throat.” Dan explained.

“It’s not so bad.” Pinkie said with a small smile.

“Here, let me see.” Elise said walking up to Pinkie.

Pinkie removed her hand so Elise could get a better look.

“A cutthroat trout, huh?” Chris mused.

“Chris, I don’t think that’s why they call it that.” Elise said as she leaned in towards Pinkie’s wound.

“It’s just an interesting coincidence, is all.” Chris responded with a shrug.

“Coincidence nothing!” Dan retorted. “That fish was out for blood!”

“Ow, ow, ow…” Pinkie muttered as Elise lifted her chin up, examining her wound.

“Well,” Elise began, “It didn’t get much. Let’s get some disinfectant on this and get you patched up.”

Pinkie smiled weakly and nodded.

“Did you two check out yet?” Chris asked.

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie answered with a slight nod, finding her normal vigorous head bobbing a little more painful than usual. “We even loaded Mr. Mumbles and our stuff into the car, already and left a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig tip!”

Elise paused. “Wait. How? We have the keys.”

Chris sighed and raised a palm to his face. “Dan has a spare…or several.”

Dan chuckled to himself with a small grin.

“Oh, well…that’s disconcerting.” Elise said leveling a small glare at the short man.

“Hey, can we talk about this later? I think I’m turning my red shirt redder…” Pinkie said, clutching a hand against her neck. “Whoa…” Pinkie felt a tremble that started at her backside and a pinchy feeling at her knee. “Uh-oh…” She murmured.

“Pinkie?” Dan began. “What’s wro…”

‘HOOOONK, HOOOONK’

The four turned their heads to look up the embankment towards a rapidly approaching large truck that barreled down the road, hauling a load of long, thick trunks of lumber secured by several thick strands of rope in an open trailer behind it. They collectively shot it a worried expression at the swift speed the driver was taking down the small, single lane road.

There worry was not unfounded as the truck clipped the small, concrete edge of the road and bounded up, then down hard as the driver turned the truck to round a corner.

The stress took its toll on the ropes and they snapped sending half a dozen large logs off bounding and rolling towards the group at the river’s edge.

“Look out!” Elise shouted, quickly reaching for her husband and running towards safety.

Pinkie and Dan began to follow, but Pinkie quickly found something large and round under her foot. Her leg slipped out from under her. She landed face first on the ground. She quickly sat up and turned to see the massive logs quickly approaching down the hill.

She closed her eyes and screamed.

Adrenaline coursed through Dan’s body as he turned, sprinted towards Pinkie in a couple quick steps and bent down to scoop her up in his arms. He pivoted and kicked down hard with his leg, propelling himself into the sky and out of the way as a giant log passed under his legs and over the spot Pinkie and him and occupied mere moments before.

The two hit the ground hard as Dan extended his arms as far as they would go. Dan landed face down in the grass as Pinkie landed on her rear and sprawled her body out, face up at the sky.

“Hey! Those are western white pines.” Chris stated informatively, holding up an index finger as the logs rolled into the river.

 “Uh, Chris?” Elise said. “Not really important right now.”

Chris blushed slightly. “Sorry…” He said sheepishly.

Dan looked up and spit grass and dirt out of his mouth. He wiped the back of his hands over his lips. “You’re heavy.” He griped at the pink haired girl laying a foot in front of him.

Gentle sobbing was the response. A sounds that immediately blasted away his feeling of irritation and cut into his heart. “Pinkie, I’m sorry, I didn’t meaGAHK.”

Dan was cut off as a pink blur sprung from her spot on the ground and buried her face into his chest, arms wrapping around his torso tightly.

The sobbing was joined by the quiet murmur of “Thank you. Thank you sooo much.”

Small tears formed in Dan’s eyes as he wrapped his arms around Pinkie, placing a comforting arm on her back and another on her head. “Sure, Pinkie. Anytime.” He responded softly.

Elise and Chris bounded over to the soaked and dirty pair. “Are you two alright?” Elise asked in a concerned tone.

Dan shot her an irate raised eyebrow from his spot on the ground as he held the crying Pinkie Pie. “Define, ‘alright’.” He responded irritably.

“Uh, I’ll settle for not needing to go to the hospital in this case.” Elise responded.

“SNIFF…” Pinkie unburied her head from Dan’s chest and looked up. “I’m okay.” She said weakly. A small smile finally returned to her face. “Thanks to Dan.”

“Heh.” Dan replied with a small smile. “Alright, don’t get all mushy on me, you’re getting blood on my shirt.”

Pinkie smiled at Dan as the two rose to their feet.

‘Crash’

“What the heck was that?” Dan asked as everyone turned towards the road and looked down it.

“Yeah…the road the truck was on sort of ends in a concrete barrier…” Chris stated.

“I wonder why the truck was even driving down it in the first place.” Pinkie said.

Dan sighed. “Who cares?” He raised an eyebrow at Pinkie. “What’d you trip on, anyways?” Dan asked. “I thought you were Ms. Perfect Balance.”

Pinkie pursed her lips and looked over to the spot that was almost the site of her brutal crushing. A brown, oval object sat embedded into the ground. Pinkie walked over taking Dan with her and bent down to dig the object out of the soil. She lifted the misshapen, brown object for everyone to see.

“That’s a potato.” Chris stated informatively, holding up an index finger.

 “Thanks, Captain Obvious.” Dan replied snidely. “We don’t know what we’d do without you.”

“Just trying to help.” Chris responded.

“Could you maybe help by stop talking?..And maybe breathing while you’re at it?” Dan retorted angrily.

“Alright, Dan. I’m going to let that one slide because you just went all superhero on us and ran in front of giant logs to save Pinkie.” Elise stated. “But we should really get you two cleaned up.”

“CHEEP, CHEEP” Without warning, an angry, small bluebird dove from the sky and began attacking Pinkie’s wet, curly hair.

“WHAAA!” Pinkie exclaimed, breaking from Dan and flailing her hands about at the attacking bird.

“Oooo, that’s a mountain bluebird.” Chris stated informatively, holding up an index finger.

Dan vainly swatted at the bird as it angrily called out at Pinkie and flapped about, just inches out of reach. “Chris, when I catch this bird, I’m going to feed it to you to plug your word hole.”

Elise reached into her pocket and pulled out a penny. She carefully placed it on her forefinger and held it level as she raised her fist up. She held her hand in front of her eyes and looked out at the erratically flapping bird. Elise flicked her thumb and the penny shot out, clocking the bird which gave one more alarmed “CHEEP!” and flew away.

“Nice shot.” Dan commented. “Very accurate.”

Elise smiled. “Thank you, Dan.”

“Can we go now?” Pinkie enquired. “I’m not sursees why everything is out to get me today, but I’d like to be in the car before...Oh! Hello!” Pinkie smiled as a black and gold butterfly fluttered over to her and perched on her outstretched index finger.

“Uh…Pinkie?” Dan called out pointing off into the distance.

Pinkie looked up from the butterfly with a smile. “Yes Dan?” Her eyes went wide and her smile dropped as she noticed a swarm of black, gold, and orange butterflies quickly closing on her position. “CAR! NOW!” She shouted frantically flailing the hand the butterfly was resting on and breaking towards the hotel in a sprint.

The trio of friends quickly followed, putting some distance between them and the angry gold and black cloud that gave pursuit. Soon all four were inside the relative safety of the car.

“Merow?” Mr. Mumbles mewed in a concerned sounding tone as Pinkie and Dan sat down in the backseat.

“It’s okay, Mr. Mumbles.” Pinkie assured in an uneven tone, reaching down to pick up Mr. Mumbles in both hands and raise Mr. Mum. “I just almost died and was attacked by a swarm of pretty butterflies.” Pinkie’s eye twitched as lips pulled to a side of her face and her teeth gritted rapidly for a second.

“Monarch Butterflies, to be exact.” Chris stated informatively from the passenger seat, holding up an index finger.

“SHUT UP, CHRIS!” The other occupants of the car commanded harshly.

“Right, shutting up now.” Chris said, turning towards the front.

Elise quickly started the car, and drove off as the swarm of butterflies rapidly approached it.

Dan looked towards Pinkie, “So ummm…how are you feeling, now?”

“FINE! Just totally, absotively FINE!” Pinkie stated, setting down Mr. Mumbles on the seat next to her, and stressing just how absotively ‘FINE’she totally was.

“Oh…Okay, I only ask because you look like you’re a few seconds away from freaking out on me.”

“Uhhh…” Pinkie forced a crooked and twisted smile on her face, and cocked her head while lowering it so she was looking up at Dan with blue, wild, worried looking eye. “Permission to start totally freaking out on you?”

Dan nodded. “Granted.”

Pinkie’s smile broke as tears shot from her eyes and she buried her face in Dan’s chest again. “SOB…Oh Dan! I don’t know what’s going on! One second we’re having fun and sailing through the air then swimming back and then this fish cuts me on the neck and next thing I know there’s this truck and giant logs coming towards me and I trip on an errant potato on the ground and you saved me and I’m really, really, really, super-dee-duper grateful for that but then this bluebird attacks me out of nowhere and then these butterflies try to kill me! And I’m just so scared and confused and I just kinda wanna stay here forever except you’re really wet and smell like river right now.”

“Uhh…there, there?” Dan offered confusingly, lightly patting Pinkie’s back.

Pinkie shot back up in the middle-backseat of the car. “Thanks Dan!” She said wrapping her arms around Dan’s shoulder and hugging him tightly. “I feel a lot better.”

“Hmmm…” Chris said, rubbing his chin.

“Chris, if you say just one more stupid thing, I’m going to take Pinkie’s chef knife and give you a cut to match hers. Except MINE will be deep enough to give you a Columbian necktie.” Dan threatened from behind Chris.

“What’s a Columbian necktie?” Pinkie asked, buckling her seatbelt and nudging Dan so he did the same.

“You don’t want to know.” Elise responded.

“It’s just that everything that attacked Pinkie was from Idaho.” Chris stated.

“Chris, I’m going for the knife.” Dan informed, reaching towards Pinkie’s bag on the car floor.

“No, wait! They’re official things from Idaho.” Chris stressed.

“The knife is out of the bag, Chris.” Dan informed, as he pulled out a chef’s knife in a plastic sheath.

“I mean, they’re official state things from Idaho.”

“The knife is now unsheathed, Chris.” Dan said, as he took the plastic sheath off.

“NO! I mean, the cutthroat trout is the official state fish, the western white pine is the official tree, the potato is the official vegetable, the mountain bluebird is the official bird, and the monarch butterfly is the official state insect.”

Dan sheathed the knife. “Wait, so you’re saying Idaho attacked Pinkie?”

“Yep.” Chris stated.

Dan sighed. “Figures.”

“Wait…Idaho? Like…the state? The state we’re in...” Pinkie asked. “States attack people, here?!”

Dan and Elise nodded somberly.

“Pretty much.” Elise added.

Pinkie’s smile dropped. “Dan, can I please go back to freaking out?”

Dan lifted his left arm giving Pinkie a clear shot at his chest. “Have fun.”

Pinkie smiled. “I will!” She answered cheerfully, before breaking down into sobs and cries as she reburied her face in Dan’s chest.

Dan sighed, and patted Pinkie’s back with another “There, there.”

Pinkie looked up briefly, “Anyone want to freak out with me?” She asked cheerfully. “It’s fun!” She insisted.

Mr. Mumbles jumped on top of Pinkie and bounded over to Dan’s shoulder. She began frantically howling as she rubbed against the stubble on his face.

“That’s the spirit!” Pinkie said with a big grin as she returned to tortured sobs on Dan’s chest.

Dan sighed as his roommate and cat freaked out all over him. “Please just find a place where we can change and get cleaned up.” He said to Elise. “I’m not sure how much freaking out I can take.”

Elise smiled. “Sure, Dan.”

*Some driving, wound dressing, and a change of clothes later.*

Pinkie and Dan sat quietly in the back. Pinkie had changed into her red and white striped shirt and a dry pair of jeans. Dan simply changed into a drier, less blood soaked ‘JERK’ shirt and jeans. Pinkie opted to sit in the middle-seat, resting her head against Dan’s shoulder. Mr. Mumbles opted to sit curled up on Pinkie’s lap.

Elise continued driving the group towards their destination and out of Idaho.

“So…” Chris began. “What should we sing next?”

Pinkie yawned in reply. “No singing for a while, please.” She smiled contently with her head resting on Dan’s shoulder. “I think I’m happy like this.”

She closed her eyes and relaxed her body.

“I also vote for quiet.” Dan yawned out, resting his head against the pink mop of curly hair resting on his shoulder.

Mr. Mumbles mewed quietly from Pinkie’s lap and closed her eyes.

Soon the trio was quickly snoozing away in the backseat.

Chris turned to glance at the sleeping residents of Casa Paradisio room 8 and grinned turning to his wife. “Alright, I admit. They’re pretty cute when they’re not wrecking stuff.”

“Yeah.” Elise agreed with a smile. She turned back to the road. “Let’s see how long it lasts…”

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 35 Pinkie Vs. Elise’s Parents

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 35 Pinkie Vs. Elise’s Parents

****

Chris plodded behind his wife as the two hiked through a snowy woods full of pine and fir trees that towered overhead, heavy boots trudging through two feet of snow as the two continued their trek to nowhere in particular. Sunlight still proved to be abundant despite the conditions and visibility was not an issue.  Though, the snow and black, large, full duffle bags the two were carrying made the journey an arduous one.

Chris’s normal attire was slightly modified. He wore a long sleeved white shirt, his normal short sleeved blue shirt over it, and an orange, puffy vest over that.

Elise had opted to wear something that blended with surroundings a bit better. She wore a green, camouflage coat that remained unzipped, exposing a tight black shirt underneath, and vertical belts going down her shoulders to another belt around her waist. On her belts were an assortment of pouches, canisters, and a square metal handle sticking out of one of the pouches positioned high against her chest on the left. Black, fingerless gloves covered her hands. Finally, grey pants with large, full side pockets began at her waist, under her belt, and continued down, ending at a pair of black combat boots.

Elise stared down at a gun shaped device with a small screen that showed bluish outlines of trees with the occasionally orange/red dot inside the silhouette against a darker blue background. From the screen, the device extended out several inches in a round barrel about three inches in diameter, with a hole at the front.

“Huff…Any bears yet?” Chris asked.

“Not yet.” Elise responded, continuing to stare down at her device.

Chris sighed. “A bear would be good. Less walking for us.”

“If they’re domesticated.” Elise added.

Chris smiled and shook his head. “Doesn’t matter, I speak bear.” He added. “Can we rest a bit? Hiking this terrain might be in my blood, or at least one sixteenth of it, but hauling all this stuff isn’t.”

Elise looked up from her thermal sensor and looked at their surroundings.  “Hmmmmm, alright. Sure. This seems like a good spot.” Elise said, unzipping her duffle bag and putting the thermal sensor inside. She fished around inside her bag and pulled out a white, foot long cylinder that ended in a round protrusion at one end, and a small spike at the other.

“Hey! Do I get a lightsaber, too?” Chris joked from a rock that jutted about a foot out of the snow and proved large enough to serve as a suitable seat with a large fir tree serving as a back rest.

Elise grinned at him. “It’s cool, but it’s not that cool.” She responded as she pressed a button on the side of the cylinder. The spike extended out a few feet at the end of a thin, metal poll. Elise thrust the spike into the ground, pushed the same button that had caused the spike to extend, and pushed the cylinder down until only the round protrusion was peeking up out of the snow.

“What is it?” Chris enquired.

“It’s a proximity sensor. It’ll let us know if anything comes this way.” Elise explained.

“You mean, ‘anyone’.” Chris said flatly.

“Yeah, that’s what I said…” Elise began, stopping herself as she processed her own response.

Crud.

“Erm, no!” Elise insisted with a nervous grin. “Uh…I’m interested in seeing if any large animals come buy…like a bear or moose…”

“Uh-huh.” Chris answered, his face a blank slate. “So how armed and dangerous is the terrorist that might kill us all?” He asked.

Elise shook her head. “It’s not a terrorist, it’s a cannibal serial murdererDANGIT!”

Chris narrowed his eyes, “Oh, well…that’s disconcerting.” Chris raised an eyebrow. “So you were okay with bringing your husband, best friend, and ummm…Dan out into the Canadian wilderness where we could all potentially be murdered and eaten?”

“Chris, don’t move!” Elise commanded as she dropped her duffle bag.

Chris’s eyes went wide and he froze his body on the spot.

In a flash of movement, Elise snatched the metal handle out of the pouch on her chest revealing a short, spade shaped blade at the end. She quickly threw the knife.

Chris heard a ‘thock’ from a few inches above his head as the knife impacted the tree he was sitting against. The bottom half of a neatly sliced pinecone fell from above and landed in his lap.

“Uhhh…” Chris glanced up at the small knife handle sticking out of the tree.

Elise smiled and walked over to Chris. “See? You’re perfectly safe.”

Chris returned his eyes to their previously narrowed state. “Alright, what about Dan and Pinkie?”

“Dan’s expecting a serial killer...” Elise glanced to the side briefly, “…or evil spirit, just by virtue of us going camping.”

“Well…that sounds about right for Dan, but what about Pinkie?”

“Did you see the chainsaw she packed?”

Chris nodded.

“Let’s just say she didn’t bring that because she has fantasies of becoming a lumberjack.” Elise said, motioning out with a hand. “Also, I sort of got the impression she’s dealt with a fair share of dangerous situations even before she met Dan.”

Chris put on a concern frown. “Okay, suddenly I’m less concerned about the serial killer getting us and more concerned about Dan and Pinkie…”

Elise smiled and walked over to Chris, sitting on his lap and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “Don’t worry. You and I will finish getting some proximity sensors in place, a few cameras…” Elise reached up and pulled her knife out of the tree. “…and we’ll have plenty of warning before Dan and Pinkie go out and hack someone to pieces.”

Chris raised his eyebrow. “You mean before someone hacks them to pieces.” He corrected.

Elise’s expression went blank as she stared at Chris.

“…You don’t mean before someone hacks them to pieces…” He said with a worried expression.

Elise smiled again and hopped off Chris’s lap, holding her hand out to Chris.

Chris accepted it with a smile and Elise pulled him to his feet.

Elise walked back to her duffle bag, picked it up, unzipped it, took out the thermal sensor, and turned it on. She frowned as she observed a bright orange and red rectangular shape move behind the blue trees on the screen.

“Uh-oh.” Elise uttered, lowering the sensor and staring out past the trees.

“What?” Chris asked, a slight tone of panic entering his voice. “Is it the killer?”

Elise shook her head. “Worse! We need to get back to the cabin on the double.”

**

“GHAH!” Dan shouted as a snowball collided with his face. A green jacket and thick, black gloves added to his standard attire of a black ‘JERK’ shirt and jeans, and his black shoes replaced by large, black boots.

He quickly ducked behind a crude looking snow wall and wiped the white, cold substance off his face.

“What part of, ‘Cover me!’ Did you not understand?” He asked irritably, looking down at a black sweater wearing, Mr. Mumbles.

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles replied, rolling onto her back and exposing her belly.

“Awww,”Dan uttered, bending down to stroke the sweater clad cat, “who could stay mad at that face?”

“Dan, you do realize a snowball fight means throwing snowballs, riiiight~?” A feminine voice called out in a cheerful, sing-song, mocking tone.

“SUCK SNOW, PINK GIRL!” Dan shouted, grabbing a nearby snowball and blindly flinging it over his snow wall.

Dan heard the sounds of the snowball impacting more snow.

“Golly, why did I even build a snow fortress?” Pinkie responded with a giggle.

“C’mon!”  Dan shouted back. “It’s hardly a fortress!”

“It’s got two stories, it has windows, and a parapet.” Pinkie counted. “It doesn’t get more snow fortressy than that!”

“Look! You can’t spell “fortress” without…uh… ‘tres’.” Dan responded, looking down at Mr. Mumble with a shrug.

“Oh! You mean one of these?” Pinkie responded.

Dan cocked his head as he heard the sound of a string instrument being played. He decided to venture a look to see Pinkie; clad in a bright pink parka, jeans, and light pink snow boots; dangling her feet off the edge of the snow fortress as she sat between two large blocks of snow, holding a string instrument that looked very much like a stout guitar.

“What the heck is that?!” Dan exclaimed.

“D’uh!” Pinkie responded. “It’s a tres! Of course I can’t have a fortress without a tres!” Pinkie responded, plucking at the strings a few times. “It’s in the name!”

“Merow?” Mr. Mumbles said.

Dan looked down at the cat with a shrug. “I don’t know!

” He insisted. “I thought I made it up!”

“Meow!”

“Oh, right!” Dan quickly bent down to pick up a snowball, and stood up and flung it in a Pinkie Pieish direction.

Pinkie traced the snowballs trajectory as it sailed far over her head. She looked down at Dan. “Seriously? I’m right here. I didn’t even move or duck for cover, or anything!”

“GRAHHHH!” Dan became a flurry of motion as he picked up snowball after snowball and flung them at the pink haired girl sitting atop her two story snow structure.

Pinkie looked about as snowballs flew all around her, hitting her fortress, the blue sedan, the cabin, the ground, some trees, a squirrel, some birds, and pretty much everything but her.

Pinkie scrunched her eyebrows together. “Dan, do you need glasses? I’m actually kinda worried for you at this point.”

 “SHUT UP!” Dan responded angrily.

Pinkie frowned. “Aww, did I make you upset?” Pinkie shimmied of her perch and landed in the snow below, setting the Tres against the wall of her snow fortress “I’m sorry.” She said earnestly. “Here! I’ll give you a free shot!”

“I DON’T NEED YOUR PITY!” Dan shouted as Pinkie approached. “…also I just threw all my snowballs.” He added as he walked around to the front of the his wall, crossing his arms and giving a sullen look to a tree that stood a few feet away from him to his left.

“Awww, well…we can do something else that’s fun!” Pinkie said as she approached Dan. “We can go sledding, or make snow angels, or go snowshoeing or…”

Dan squinted into the distance behind Pinkie as she closed the distance to a few feet between them. “What’s that? Dan asked, pointing behind her.

“Huh?” Pinkie turned, exposing the back of her cutie mark adorned parka to Dan. “I don’t see any”—Pinkie felt a tug at her parka and shirt and something very cold press against her bare back and travel all the way down her spine—“EEEEEEEEK!”

“I LIED!” Dan said triumphantly.

“So cold!” Pinkie declared as she quickly untucked her shirt from her jeans and allowed the large snowball to fall to the ground.

“War is cold, Pinkie.” Dan retorted. He squinted and pointed again. “What’s that?”

“Dan, how stupid do you think I am?” Pinkie asked with a knitted brow.

“Uhh…how honest of an answer do you want here?” Dan asked. “But seriously, something’s coming.”

Pinkie’s ears perked up as she heard the sound of a large engine approaching. She turned as a large, white RV approached the cabin and frowned as she felt something cold and snowy impact and explode against the back of her head.

Pinkie turned to Dan and shot him a glare.

“What?” Dan asked. “There really was something this time!”

“Oh, you are so going to get it, mister.” Pinkie declare, tensing her body back in a pounce position.

“Huh.” Dan said looking up at the RV. “I think that’s Elise’s pareGHA!”

Dan felt the impact of a body throwing itself against him, followed by the snow wall behind him that he flew up and over, then the snowy ground on the other side, and finally the same body that was thrown against him as Pinkie landed on top of him.

Pinkie giggled as she reached for loose clumps of snow and threw them point blank Dan’s face.

“You little sneak! I’ll”--Dan spit some now out of his mouth—“get you for this!” he declared, grabbing his own loose clumps of snow and flinging them up at Pinkie and flailing his legs about. Dan’s boot kicked deep into his makeshift wall.

Pinkie felt a tremble in her rear. “Uh-oh…”She muttered looking behind her as Dan’s snow wall collapsed and buried the two snow warriors.

A hand with pink nail polish on it stuck out of the snow pile and twitched a couple times. Soon, the snow rose and fell away as Dan and Pinkie stood to their feet, grumbling and giggling to themselves respectively.

“Hehehehe…Dan, I’m sorry, but that wall was terrible!”  Pinkie stated, as she brushed snow off herself.

“Give me a break! I live in Southern California!” Dan pointed out, also brushing snow off himself. “It only snows in trite Christmas movies or if a super villain is trying to freeze the city…”

The two turned as the RV engine cut, the RV parked in front of the cabin, next to Pinkie’s tall snow fortress.

Dan and Pinkie looked through the large windshield of the RV to see a man with grey thinning hair, a mustache, and a red polo shirt under a large, brown, bomber jacket; a slender woman with blond hair with grey streaks in it, and a green shirt under a form fitting black trench coat.

Pinkie turned to Dan. “Serial killers?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dan chuckled. “Worse. Elise’s parents.”

“Oooo! I’ve never met them before! This is going to be so much fun!” Pinkie said excitedly.

*

“So, that’s the woman who can bear to share a roof with Dan.” The man commented.

“Don, be nice.” The woman responded. “Elise has had nothin’ but good things to say about Pinkie.”

Don raised an eyebrow at the woman sitting across from him and motioned out to the girl in pink outside. “Sure, but she’s still crazy enough to actually want to share an apartment with that maniac. There’s got to be something wrong with her.” He insisted.

“Well, you have a point there…” The woman admitted. “Oh! She’s waving! Quick, Don! Smiles! Wave!”

Don and the woman plastered on fake smiles and waved out towards Pinkie as Dan fixed the couple in the RV with a quizzical look.

The doors to the RV cab opened and Elise’s parents stepped out, brown pants and black snow boots finished the man’s ensemble; jeans and white ugg boots finished the woman’s. The side of the RV opened as well, and a muscular man with close cropped, blonde hair, a light blue polo shirt under a leather coat, grey cargo pants, and large brown boots stepped out.

“Huh, they brought dreamboat.” Dan commented.

“Dreamboat?” Pinkie asked.

“Er…I mean Colby. Ex-boyfriend of Elise.” Dan explained.

“Oh well…that’s…” Pinkie knitted her brow slightly, “strange…but the more the merrier!” Pinkie said excitedly.

Dan sighed. “We’re about ten times more likely to be attacked by a serial killer, now.”

“Oh? What makes you say that?” Pinkie asked.

Dan motioned out to the group in front of the RV. “The last time we were all together, we were attacked by The Hockey-Masked Maniac.” Dan frowned. “I’d start checking radio stations if they went this far.”

 “That’s okay! We’re well prepared for any chain-saw wielding maniacs!” Pinkie insisted with a smile. “I’m going to go say, ‘Hi’!” She declared.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, you do that. Have fun.”

Pinkie cupped her hands together and brought them up to her face with a huge smile that made an audible ‘squee’ as her lips pulled to their limits. She quickly bounded over through the snow to the group that had exited the RV.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!” She announced holding out a hand.

“Uh…Don.” Don said, taking the hand as Pinkie started giving his a vigorous shake.

The woman extended her hand with a smile. Pinkie happily extended her other arm crisscross over her other arm and took the woman’s hand in hers and started shaking it as well.

“I’m Elise.” The woman responded.

“Oh? But that’s Elise’s name!” Pinkie exclaimed in a surprised tone.

“That’s because she was named after me.” Elise Sr. explained. “She’s a junior, and I’m Elise Senior.”

“Oh! I had no idea!” Pinkie responded. “May I call you Senior?”

“No you may not.” Elise Sr. replied simply.

“Oh. Alright then.” Pinkie responded cheerfully.

“Uh, Pinkie? Could we have our hands back?” Don enquired as Pinkie continued shaking his and Elise Sr.’s hands.

“Oops! Hehehe, sorry!” Pinkie said with a smile, letting go of their hands. She extended a hand out to Colby who took it in his hand and started giving it a firm shake.

“I’m Colby” He said with a large smile. “Former astronaut, current medical school student. Juuust about to wrap up my Ph.D.”

“Uhh…cool beans.” Pinkie responded.

“Colby.” Don said with a raised eyebrow, “Maybe the lady would like her hand back?”

“Oh, but it’s so cold! I’m just warming it up for her.” Colby insisted.

“That’s okay!” Pinkie exclaimed nervously. “It’s fine!” She announced, retracting her hand and placing it behind her back. “I’m fine!” She insisted.

“Hmmm, yes, you sure are.” Colby said with a wink.

“Errmmm….”Pinkie recoiled at the wink and turned to Don and Elise Sr. “Thank you so much for letting us stay in your cabin! I’ve had so much fun today out here in the snow and pelting Dan with snowballs! Oh, I just know we’re all going to have a blast together! There’s so much more I haven’t even done out here! Like snow angels, and tree climbing, and sleddin…”

“Yes, I’m sure you and Dan will have a wonderful time together.” Elise Sr. said.

“Uh…right…sure…” Pinkie responded, her smile dropping slightly.

“So, Pinkie.” Don began. “I understand you moved into Dan’s apartment with him.”

Pinkie’s smile returned. “Yep! He’s my bestest, best buddy in the whole wide world!” She stated.

Don smiled darkly. “What was wrong? Where all the gutters occupied when you needed a place to stay?”

Pinkie’s smile leapt for cover as her eyes went wide. “Uhhh…”

“Don, be nice.” Elise Sr. chided.

“Heh, just kidding!” Don said with a closed eye smile, giving Pinkie a playful slap on her shoulder.

“Heh, sure…” Pinkie said, forcing a weak smile. She turned to Colby.

“Astronaut, huh? You know I’ve been to the moon.”

The trio stared at her blankly.

“Well, not this moon…you see…”

-

Dan watched the spectacle unfold with a bemused expression.

He turned as he heard the sounds of snow being trodden through as Chris and Elise emerged from the tree line.

“Chris! Elise!” Dan called with a smile. “You’re missing the show!”

The couple made their way to Dan and dropped their duffle bags.

Elise sighed as she looked towards the RV and raised her fingerless gloved palm to her face. “Oh no…”

“Oh yes!” Dan replied with a smile.

Chris matched Elise’s sigh and face palm, “And they brought Colby, swell.”

“I know!” Dan said. “It’s like some sort of Dismemberfest reunion out here with special guest star Pinkie Pie!”

“Well, at least Pinkie is making friends.” Elise mused sadly.

Dan snickered. “Don’t be too sure. She may look happy, but she’s not having a good time out there.” Dan said motioning out to the group by the RV.

“Huh?” Chris said, glancing at the bubbly girl with pink, curly hair. “How can you tell?”

Dan pointed at Pinkie’s right hand that she had placed behind her back. Pinkie held it in a claw like manner, the fingers tensed and bent inwards. It seemed to twitch and the fingers would spasm with just about every syllable the three talking to her would utter.

“Oh dear, that can’t be good.” Elise murmured.

“Yeah, Pinkie does that whenever a guy starts hitting on her, or someone is talking down to her.” Dan examined the group in front of him carefully. “By the looks of things, both are taking place.”

“Wow, it’s like she’s channeling all her rage and frustration just into that one hand.” Chris commented.

“Yep! I call it the ‘fury claw’!” Dan replied with a smile. “Soon Pinkie’s going to walk over here and tell my how much of a horrible-bad experience this all was…”

-

“….Aaaaaand you’re all making the face at me people make when I talk about where I’m from, so I’m going to stop talking now.” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Don, Elise Sr. and Colby all looked at Pinkie with a concerned and confused expression.

“Oh, hey!” Don said. “It’s Junior! Hello Junior!” He called out.

“DON’T CALL ME ‘JUNIOR’!” Elise yelled back.

“But, it’s your name, dear!” Elise Sr. replied.

Don give Pinkie a forced smile. “Well Pinkie, it’s been weird, but we should really go talk to our daughter.”

Pinkie returned the forced smile. “Don’t let me keep you.”

“We won’t.” Don said, the smile dropping as he turned towards Elise.

Pinkie sighed.

“Well, looks like it’s just you and me.” Colby said with a large, sparkling white grin.

Pinkie flinched and looked up at him with a crooked nervous smile. “Would you excuse me? I have to go over there…”Pinkie said motioning towards Dan with her head, “…and spank Dan…because of…reasons!” She offered, forcing her smile to widen.

Colby’s smile remained. “That’s alright.” He winked. “See you around.”

Pinkie turned and clutched her right hand to her chest with her left. “Yeah…sure…”

-

“Hello, Junior.” Don said happily, followed by a sigh. “Hello Chris.”

“Uh…Hi Don…Elise…” Chris offered weekly.

“What are you two doing here?!” Elise demanded.

“Surprise!” Don said with a smile. “We thought it would be fun if we joined you all! The more the merrier, right?”

“Did you have to bring Colby?” Elise asked.

“Oh, Junior, you know Colby is like a second son to us!” Elise Sr. answered.

Don paused. “Wait…second?”

Elise Sr. sighed, “Yes, Don. Ben is our son.”

“Who?”

“You know, skinny, long haired guy that lives with us and plays a lot of video games?” Elise Sr. reminded.

“Oh right!” Don said, raising a palm to his chest and dropping his fist into it with a light ‘smack’. “Ken isn’t really the camping type.” Don explained.

Elise raised an eyebrow, “You mean, ‘Ben’.”

“Him, too!” Don responded.

-

Pinkie quickly walked up to Dan.

“So? Did you have fun?” Dan asked with a knowing grin.

“No!” Pinkie exclaimed as she approached. “They’re all like…the most self-centered people I’ve ever met in my life! It was horrible-bad!” She explained. “And I’ve met actual evil beings who wanted to capture or kill me and all my friends!” She added. “Oh! Almost forgot.”

Pinkie walked up to the side of Dan and began lightly swatting his rear.

“Uhh, What the heck do you think you’re doing?!” Dan demanded

‘Swat, swat, swat’

“I’m spanking you, obviously!”

‘Swat, swat, swat’

“Obviously!” Dan replied in an irritated tone. “Whyare you spanking me?!”

‘Swat, swat, swat’

“I told Colby I would to get away from him.”

‘Swat, swat, swat’

Dan sighed. “And this was the best you could come up with?!”

‘Swat, swat, swat’

“I panicked, okay?!” Pinkie said, gesturing wildly with her free hand.

‘Swat, swat, swat’

“Could you maybe…stop?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

‘Swat, swat, swat’

“I don’t want him to come over and talk to me some more!” Pinkie insisted.

“Oh Pinkie, Dan,” Elise Sr. called out “could you two stop…whatever it is you two are doing and clear out that big snow fort in front of the Cabin? It’s going to block our view of the tree line.”

“It’s a snow FORTRESS!” Dan insisted.

Pinkie stopped her spanking to give Dan a sly grin.

“What! You had a tres and everything!” Dan said, catching the expression.

Pinkie looked up to Elise Sr. with a smile. “Don’t worry, Senior. We’ll take care of it!”

“Don’t call me ‘Senior’!” Elise Sr. exclaimed, narrowing her eyes.

Elise began laughing. “See! Not so fun, is it?”

“Oh! I can help!” Colby shouted at Pinkie.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” Pinkie insisted waving her hands in front of her. “No.” She added forcefully. “Dan and I will get this cleared out in a jiffy!”

Pinkie turned to Dan and whispered. “I have an idea!” She said with a smile

“Oh?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m thinkin’…plan ‘E’.” Pinkie said with a smile that had suddenly gone rather dark.

An evil grin crept across Dan’s face like black smoke slowly wafting into an empty room. “Sounds good to me.”

The two made their way to the cabin, Pinkie grabbing her string instrument on the way.

“Well…those two make a strange couple.” Elise Sr. stated.

Elise sighed. “They’re not quite a couple. They seem to be stuck in some sort of bizarre stage between best friends and romance that manifests in some maddening display of property damage and snuggling.” She stressed with a slight sneer.

“Elise, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here…” Chris said.

“Whatever, just so long as that pink hussy keeps her hands off Colby…” Don began.

Elise rolled her eyes. “I don’t think Colby’s her type, dad.”

Elise Sr. shot her daughter a look. “Too mentally stable?”

Without warning, the cabin door flew open revealing Pinkie and Dan smiling wide. A lit lighter in Dan’s hand, and a lit stick of dynamite in Pinkie’s.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!” Pinkie shouted as she tossed the lit explosive into her snow fortress.

Dan quickly closed the cabin door.

‘KABOOOM’

The snow fortress exploded out, covering everyone and everything with a thick layer of snow.

The cabin door slowly opened to the sound of maniacal laughter and loud, happy laughter.

“Hahahahehehe…Sorry!” Pinkie said to the crowd outside. “Nothing like some TNT to break the ice! Hehehehe…Get it?” She asked as she looked across the snow covered group.

The group wiped away snow from their faces to fix Pinkie with a glower.

Pinkie frowned. “Uhhh…I’ll just brew us all some nice tea, okay?” She stated. “Come on, Dan.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at her. “I hate teaGHK.” Dan uttered as he found Pinkie pulling him back into the cabin by the collar on his shirt.

“Too bad, you’re helping anyway!” She informed, as she closed the cabin door.

Elise looked back to her mom. “Pretty much, yeah.”

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 36 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Cabin

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 36 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Cabin

****

“Chris, you really need to think these things through.” Elise said in an irritated tone as she slowly pulled a rope up.

“Sorry!” Chris said apologetically as he held onto the rope. “But how often do you find cooked bacon just sitting in a hole in the middle of the woods!?”

“Never!” Elise replied. She grunted as she pulled her husband’s weight out of the deep, vertical hole in the ground.

“Exactly!” Chris responded as he pulled himself up to the surface. “Phew, thanks honey.”

Elise sighed.

“So umm…” Chris looked around nervously from side to side. “Do you think that was a trap set by Hiram? Are we in danger?” Chris added as he brought his hands up to his chin and began trembling as his teeth chattered.

“I don’t know, Chris.” Elise said. “Whoever dug this hole did it a while back, and only recently came in to clear out some snow and place the bacon.” She knitted her brow as she thought about this. “Plus, of what little we know about Hiram, I’m not sure a trap falls under his modus operandi.”

“Uhh…”

Elise chuckled. “It means, ‘method of operation’, you big goofball.”

Chris grinned sheepishly. “Sorry.”

Elise leaned up to give him a quick kiss on the lips. “That’s okay, you’re my big goofball. And I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” She assured, gently stroking her husband’s cheek.

“Thanks, darling.” Chris said. “Say…I know we still have more cameras and stuff to put out, but this whole hole thing has got me worried. Maybe we should head back.”

Elise looked at her husband with a smile. “Sure honey. Suddenly I’m a little less worried about what’s out here and more worried about what’s waiting for us backs at the cabin.”

Chris sighed. “You’re parents certainly haven’t made this an easy vacation.”

Elise turned toward into the woods, her eyes following a trail of slightly disturbed snow that headed in the direction of the cabin. She narrowed her eyes. “No.” She agreed. “No they haven’t.”

*

“So, what exactly are you two doing…to my cabin.” Don asked in a fraternal tone one might use to chastise a child. A large, shovel and a metal rake resting on his shoulder.

Dan and Pinkie crouched around an assortment of wooden figures and totems as Dan chanted in a soft, vowel heavy language.

Dan’s chanting ended in an abrupt sighed and he closed the leather bound book he was reading from, he raised to his feet. “I wasn’t doing anything to your precious cabin. I was blessing this lovely figure Pinkie carved of a Sumerian goddess with a protective prayer and making a food offering, because some of us don’t want to be brutally murdered or violated by malicious spirits.”

“Goddess?” Don asked. “I thought it was a bear.”

“Yeah, I’m not really good at carving…” Pinkie admitted as she set a rainbow colored cupcake in front of the carving.

“It’s fine.” Dan said, looking at Pinkie. “It’s the effort, offering,andprayer that’s important.” Dan said raising an index finger. Dan turned to Don with a mildly irritated expression. “The prayer I was attempting to read before you interrupted! Do you mind? I don’t exactly spend a lot of time speaking Sumerian.”

“I really wish you two wouldn’t do this. I come back from a hike in the woods and suddenly the amount of kooky things around here has tripled! There’s so many crosses, totems, and figures around that the cabin is beginning to look like a knick-knack flea market.” Don said.

“I don’t know what’s going to attack us!” Dan insisted throwing his hands up into the air. “And I certainly don’t want to protect the cabin against demons only to be attacked by a skin-walker or find out that draugar or evil fairies don’t actually care that there are a bunch of crosses all over the place! So I’m hedging my bets!”

“You two really believe in this sort of nonsense?” Don asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I…” Pinkie also rose to her feet and gave Don a surprised look. “You’ve lived a very sheltered life, haven’t you?”

“Excuse me young lady, but I’ve traveled the world and I’ve seen plenty.” Don stated sternly, leveling an index finger at Pinkie.

“But not undead birds angry because they didn’t get a proper burial after a cat mangled them, or a poltergeist that’s upset and levitating furniture because the other occupants of the apartment don’t want to watch infomercials 24/7?” Pinkie asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dan rubbed his chin and looked up at the sky. “You’d think the ghost of Billy Mays would have a lot more options than our apartment…”

Pinkie turned to Dan and shrugged. “I think he was haunting that case of ‘KABOOM’ products I picked up…I mean, he seemed to calm down after I gave the bathroom a really good cleaning.”

Don cleared his throat.

Dan looked at him. “Are you still here? Look, we won’t hurt your cabin, but I only had time to do all the Bible and local Native American…”

“Canadian.” Pinkie corrected.

Dan turned to Pinkie. “Well, the continent is ‘North America’ so I think the term still applies.” He responded.

Don cleared his throat again, louder this time.

“Uh...where was I?” Dan asked himself, glancing to the side briefly.

“Bible and local Native American stuff.” Pinkie reminded while  holding up an index finger.

“Right! We only got so much done last night and I have a lot more work to do, so if you don’t mind…”

“Alright, Alright!” Don said putting his hands up defensively in front of his chest. “But why did you bring the cat?”

“Merow.” Mr. Mumbles replied from the ground of the cabin porch.

“She’s the only one of us that can read kanji.” Pinkie explained.

Don stared at Pinkie blankly, not sure if that was a joke or not. “Uh…alright. Just clean this stuff up when you leave.”

Dan shrugged. “Hey, if you don’t want a creepy cabin that’s protected from the undead and supernatural evils of the world, that’s fine with me.”

Pinkie smiled. “The car will be a lot safer on the way home.” She pointed out.

“Creepy!” Don said slightly insulted. “The cabin is charming.”

“Only in a very ‘Let’s fill this with as much dead animals as possible to make sure it looks just like every other creepy cabin where people get murdered in sort of way.’” Dan replied.

Don’s eyes narrowed. “Well if you don’t like the decor, you two are welcome to switch bedrooms with Elise and I and share the RV with Colby.”

“The only way I’m sharing sleeping quarters with Colby is if I gut him and use his skin and skeletal system to make a tent.” Pinkie replied matching Don’s expression.

Don’s and Dan’s expression changed at the morbid comment. Don looked shocked while Dan grinned in grim approval.

“Hehe…Anyways,” Dan continued, “I’ve just spent the last several hours chanting in long dead languages to protect this cabin. If you three want to be our early warning system for hungry zombies or hungry ghosts, that’s your business.”

“Don? Are you out there?” Elise Sr. called out from the cabin.

“Yes, sweetie!” Don replied.

“If you see Pinkie and Dan, tell them dinner’s almost ready!”

Don turned back to Pinkie and Dan and gave an exasperated sigh seeing he wasn’t getting anywhere with this conversation. “Dinner is almost ready. So come in…or don’t! I don’t really care.” Don added matter-of-factually.

Dan turned to Pinkie. “Wrap up the Sumerian stuff and call it a night?”

Pinkie smiled. “Don’t forget we need to leave out a saucer of cream for the pixies~!” Pinkie sang out in response.

“Never forget the pixies!”  Dan declared to no one in particular.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles replied.

Don sighed, turned, rolled his eyes, and walked away.

Pinkie turned to Dan. “Now, why do you suppose he took a shovel and a rake hiking with him?” She asked, bringing her eyebrows closer slightly.

Dan shrugged. “Who knows, maybe he’s just as pedantic about how the woods around the cabin look as he is about the cabin.” Dan said in a mildly irritated tone of voice.

“Ooo! You know what’s a good word for that! ‘Persnickety!’” Pinkie said with a smile. “Speaking of which, let’s finish up warding the cabin against persnickety spirits! I’m starving.”

Dan nodded. “I hear that. Now where was I..?” Dan asked, as he opened his book and flipped a few pages.

-

“You won’t believe what those two psychos are doing out there!” Don said to the occupants of the cabin living area as he walked in from the snowy outdoors. The large room consisted of a kitchen area sitting next to a large dining room table with wooden chairs, and a brown couch and loveseat sitting near a fireplace. Trophies of elk and moose heads adorned the walls and a rug that was clearly a bear at one time laid in front of the fireplace.

Colby turned with a smile from the couch.

Elise Sr. turned to Don from in front of the stove in the kitchen, a large pot sitting on it as flames licked the underside, and steamed wafted from the surface.

“Yeah, I’ve found not believing what Dan and Pinkie do never really changes the fact that they do or did it anyway.” Chris stated.

Don jumped slightly and set the shovel and rake next to the door. He turned and shoot Chris a glare as Chris entered the cabin with Elise.

“What are they doing?” Elise Sr. asked as she stirred the pot on the stove.

Don rolled his eyes as he raised his forearms and rotated his hands out palm up. “They seem to think they’re protecting the cabin from evil by strewing knick-knacks all about and chanting!”

Elise and Chris blinked with blank expressions in reply as the two made their way to the loveseat by the fireplace.

Elise turned to face her father as she and her husband made their way to the loveseat. “Yeah, they did some of that last night when we got here, too.” Elise explained. “So?”

“So?!” Don replied in surprise. “It’s a waste of time! None of the things they talked about protecting the house actually exist!” Don insisted.

“Uhhh…” Chris began as he and his wife sat down on the loveseat that faced away from Don

Elise put a hand on her husband’s arm and gave him a warm smile. “I got this, sweetie.” She turned back to her father, looking at him from over the back of the loveseat. “From our experience, they probably do.” She explained.

“You’re joking, Junior…” Elise Sr. replied, as she stirred a large pot sitting on the stove.

Elise shot her mother an annoyed look for calling her ‘Junior’ but turned to her husband in lieu of responding. “Chris, list off some of the monstrosities you and Dan have dealt with.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “That’s a long list.”

Elise smiled. “Just stick to the supernatural.”

“Hmmm…” Chris thought about this for a moment and extended his arms out, listing ghoulies and spooks on his fingers. “Wolf-man, skeletons, Dan insisted his car was vandalized by the ghost of George Washington, though Elise and I saw nothing conclusive there, a minotaur …a mummy, our boss turned out to be a demon at one point…er…Pinkie and Dan recently bribed me with baked goods so I’d keep the ghost of Billy Mayes company as we watched hours and hours of infomercials…”

“Well, I’m sure you and your crazy friends thought you saw some outlandish…” Don began.

Elise raised her hand, interrupting her father. “I can vouch for the minotaur, also the mummy; I went out to a M’opera with him.”

Elise Sr. cocked her head. “What’s a M’opera?”

Elise smiled. “It’s a Mime Opera!”

Elise Sr. knitted her brow. “Southern California is weird…” She mused.

“He was real and kept hitting on Elise.” Chris said.

“I meant the M’opera.” Elise Sr. qualified.

“That was, sadly, equally as real.” Chris replied.

Don raised an eyebrow at his daughter. “You really went out on a date with a mummy?”

Elise smiled and shrugged. “I was just trying to make Chris jealous because he snubbed me for a Dan plot…against said Mummy.”

Chris sighed. “I said I was sorry!”

Elise playfully pinched her husband’s cheek. “I know you did, snookum.” She said lowering her voice slightly and smiling at Chris.

“Am I the only one here who believe those two out there are completely wasting their time?” Don asked irritably.

“I feel safer knowing what’s out there and can kill me is at least a shorter list.” Chris stated.

Elise looked at her father. “Sorry, Dad. Gonna have to side with my hubby on this one.” Elise said smiling at Chris giving his arm a squeeze.

Chris reciprocated with a smile at his wife.

Elise Sr. looked over at her husband and gave him an “Ehhh…” and raised her hand palm face down and rocked it back and forth slightly in a ‘sorta’ fashion.

“I’m with you, dad!” Colby said enthusiastically from the couch.

“Thanks, son. Team Real Men will put up a unified front!” Don declared.

Elise rolled her eyes as the door opened again.

“What’s Team Real Men?” Pinkie asked as she walked in. Dan emerged behind her, Mr. Mumbles perched on his shoulder.

“Team Real Men apparently means not believing in supernatural things that want to kill you.” Chris answered flatly. “Apparently Don and Colby are putting up a unified front on this.”

“Yeah, I’ve found not believing in them doesn’t really change the fact they want to eat you.” Pinkie answered.

“Hey! This is great!” Dan said excitedly. “When a giant monster attacks, Don and Colby can unify themselves in front of us and try to convince the monster it’s not real!.. While the sane people run away!” Dan added.

“Ouch, sanity questioned by Dan…” Pinkie said with a sly smile. “Would you like some ointment?” Pinkie asked Don.

Don’s eyes narrowed. “For what?”

“For that burn, it’s gotta sting.” Pinkie said with a large grin.

Don’s expression changed to an angry glare and he quickly closed the distance between him and Pinkie. “This is my cabin and I won’t be talked to like that by some pink haired lunatic who thinks clearing snow away should involve high explosives!”

“I’m sorry, if you don’t want me here, maybe you can find a nice gutter to drop me off at.” Pinkie shot back, her eyes changing to daggers as she closed the distance between her and Don to a few feet.

“Whoa!” Elise said quickly getting up from the loveseat, walking towards the fighting pair, and putting herself in between Pinkie and her father. “Let’s just calm down and try to avoid killing each other.” Elise gave her father a quick, serious glance. “Please.” She added.

Colby began walking closer to the group by the door.

“Yeah,” Dan said, “there’s probably going to be a crazy serial killer who’s going to want to do that, anyways.” He chimed in from in front of the door.

Chris cringed.

Elise shot Dan a look. “Not helping, Dan.” She turned back to Pinkie. “Gutter?”

“Nothing!” Pinkie said sweetly with a smile. A smile that quickly returned to a glare leveraged at Don as Pinkie looked pass Elise, “I mean, nothing aside from your father’s little joke that I would have been better off in a gutter than staying with Dan.”

“Wow, Don.” Dan said with a wounded expression. “That hurts my feelings.”

Elise turned to her father with a knotted brow. “DAD!”

Don put his hands up defensively. “What! I was just joking with her.”

“Jokes are things everyone thinks are funny.” Pinkie stated. “Insults are things usually only the teller thinks are funny.” Pinkie raised her eyebrows slightly. “Believe me, a few months living with Dan has really, really helped me tell the difference.”

Pinkie felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up into Colby’s smiling face. “Now, I’m sure Don didn’t mean any…”

“Do you want to keep that hand?” Pinkie asked in a tone laced with venom and promises of appendage removal.

“Alright everyone!” Elise Sr. called out. “Stew’s ready, so if you’d all kindly calm down, maybe we can get through dinner without blood loss.”

The group took a collective calming sigh.

“Junior, please help me set the table.”

“DON’T CALL ME JUNIOR!” Elise shouted angrily at her mom.

“It’s your NAME.” Elise Sr. responded.

Elise grumbled. “Fine, Senior, let me grab the cutlery.”

 “DON’T CALL ME SENIOR!”

“Junior! Don’t talk to your mother that way!” Don ordered.

“Sorry, dad, am I disrupting the big ‘let’s convince our daughter to marry one of her ex’s’ plan?” Elise responded.

Don and Elise Sr. quickly exchanged a worried look.

“Finally! Someone addresses the elephant in the room.” Chris said.

“Elephant? Where?” Pinkie looked around from side to side.

“Now, that’s hardly fair…” Don began.

Chris rolled his eyes and waved a dismissive hand. “Please, I know you two think I’m stupid, but I’d have to be blind to not see what’s going on here.”

“You tell ‘em, Chris!” Pinkie cheered enthusiastically.

Pinkie felt a squeeze on her shoulder. “Now, now. Don and Elise where just being inclusive…” Colby began.

“Seriously, let go of me or I WILL make sure that hand never touches me again.” Pinkie said, shooting a death beam glare up at Colby.

“There you go again with your psycho killer routine!” Don said motioning towards Pinkie. “I can see why you hang out with the likes of Dan.”

“Ouch, Don. Just ouch.” Dan replied.

“I’m sorry, was that a joke?” Pinkie asked, swatting Colby’s hand off of her shoulder, and walking back towards Don. “Was I not supposed to take offence because you were”--Pinkie raised her fingers into air quotes-- ‘just kidding’?” Pinkie asked.

“No joke, you’re messed up in the head.” Don shot back.

“DAD! Leave her alone!” Elise shouted.

“Junior! Don’t yell at your father!” Elise Sr. ordered.

The occupants of the room quickly devolved into arguing, shooting, and insulting each other.

“EVERYONE SHUT THE HELLUP, RIGHT NOW!”

Everyone stopped to stare at the short, red faced man in a black ‘JERK’ t-shirt.

“Sorry, but everyone’s yelling, and it somehow doesn’t involve me, and it’s freaking me out!” Dan explained.

Pinkie walked over to her roomie. “I’m sorry, Dan. I shouldn’t let myself get carried away like that…Here…” Pinkie pulled out a white cake with pink frosting that read ‘I’m Sorry’. “Lactose-free, and everything!” She said with a smile.

“…Where did you pull that from?” Don asked staring at the cake.

“I always carry an ‘I’m sorry’ cake with me!” Pinkie responded cheerfully. “And I have ‘I’m Sorry’ goodie bags for everyone!”

“That…uh…actually raises more questions.” Don replied.

Dan smiled and patted Pinkie’s arm. “It’s okay Pinkie. We can save it for dessert. Why don’t you get Mr. Mumbles some food?”

Pinkie smiled. “Okie-dokie-lokie!”

Dan turned to the other occupants of the room. “Now, Elise Sr. spent a really long time cooking, so let’s all sit down and enjoy a nice meal before I burn this place down to establish anger dominance.” He said with a smile, setting Mr. Mumbles down on the floor.

Mr. Mumbled bounded over to a red, shallow food dish as Pinkie emptied the cylindrical contents of a cat food can into it.

Dan turned to Elise. Sr. “Elise, I will help you set the table.” Dan declared, motioning to himself with a hand.

“Uhhh…” Elise Sr. managed a small smile. “Thank you, Dan. That’s very thoughtful.”

The two walked over to the drawers and cupboards and began fetching plates and flatware.

The rest of the group walked over to the table.

“Did…did Dan just defuse an argument?!” Elise asked her husband in a surprised tone as they sat down at the table.

“It would seem so…” Chris replied in an equally surprised tone. “Puts things into perspective. The sort of perspective that turns your stomach.”

Don sat at one end of the table, Pinkie at the other. Pinkie cringed as Colby picked a spot next to her.

Dan and Elise Sr. set the table and Dan sat down next to Pinkie and Chris. Elise Sr. sat down next to her husband and Colby.

The seven enjoyed a quiet and awkward dinner followed by a quiet and awkward dessert, until…

“Not bad for a lactose free cake.” Don commented.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at the man sitting on the other end of table from her. “’Not bad’?”

“Well, don’t feel bad, but I’ve been running a successful cupcake company for decades.” Don said with a smile.

“Aah, an assortment of faux confectionaries complete with fake coloring, no doubt.” Pinkie responded in a disinterested tone of voice.

 Don knitted his brow. “Fake coloring? Then how did you make the pink on the cake?”

“Raspberry juice.” Pinkie responded with a satisfied smile.

Don looked at Dan. “I wasn’t aware your roommate was such the naturalist.”

Dan shrugged. “Pinkie takes baking very seriously.  You’re kind of lucky you didn’t try to feed her anything you’ve made. I’ve seen her chew out a baker for hours over imitation vanilla.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe…yeaaaaah…good times.”

“You’re telling me that cupcake I saw outside was made without any dyes?” Don asked surprised.

Pinkie smiled and raised a loose fist and began listing ingredients on her fingers. “Pomegranate juice, turmeric, cabbage juice, spinach, blueberries, and carrot juice.”

“Wait…” Dan began stroking his chin. “Those are all fruits and vegetables, does that mean…”

Pinkie grinned wide. “Nopie-dopie-pokie!” Pinkie said to her roommate as she shook her head back and forth.

Dan sighed. “It was worth a shot…”

Pinkie’s skin began to crawl and she shuttered from her toes up to her head as she felt a hand on her thigh.

“I’d love to try your cupcakes.” Colby said to Pinkie with a wide smile.

Everyone went silent.

“And the award for creepiest pick-up line goes to…” Chris said, motioning to Colby.

Pinkie shot up in her seat. “I’m going to bed!” She announced, trudging off toward a room in the back of the cabin.

Colby stood up. “I better go with her…”

“The bed that’s in Dan and my room which is also where the chest full of sharp weapons is kept.” Pinkie added.

“I should probably stay here.” Colby said with a worried expression, sitting back down.

“Hey! I thought that was buried treasure!” Chris exclaimed.

Pinkie turned at the door. “Oh, I’ll bury something, alright.” She said darkly, narrowing her eyes at Colby. “Oh!” Pinkie smiled. “And by ‘something’, I meant ‘your corpse’, and by ‘alright’ I meant ‘in the woods’.” She added cheerfully

Colby put his hands up defensively with a nervous smile. “I got it.”

“Oh, you’re going to get it, alright.” Pinkie responded grimly, her eye lids lowering until she was looking at Colby with small slits. “Oh!” Pinkie smiled. “And by ‘it’, I meant ‘a terrible chainsaw wound’, and by…”

“Uh, Pinkie?” Dan interrupted. “Why, don’t you thank Elise Sr. for the meal, and I’ll meet up with you shortly.”

Pinkie closed her eyes and smiled. “Alright Dan.” She looked at Elise Sr. “Thanks for the stew, Elise Sr. It was scrumdiddlyumptios!”

“Uh, you’re welcome, Pinkie.” Elise Sr. said with a small smile.

“Great.” Dan looked at the other occupants of the table. “Now everyone else thank Elise Sr.” Dan commanded sternly.

The other people at the table uttered their “Thank you, Elise Sr.”s.

Dan nodded with smile. “Good, now everyone thank Pinkie for dessert.”

Don began to sigh, but stopped when Dan gave him an icy glare.

Everyone at a table turned to Pinkie and uttered a “Thank you, Pinkie.”

“You’re all very welcome.” Pinkie replied. She entered her and Dan’s room and closed the door behind her.

“…Maybe I should apologize…” Colby mused.

Dan raised an eyebrow at the muscular, blond haired man. “She’s a bit on edge and probably wouldn’t think twice about delimbing you at the moment.”

“Tomorrow.” Colby added hastily.

Chris looked over at Dan.  “Thanks for keeping the peace, Dan.”

Dan closed his eyes and smiled. “It’s what I’m here for.”

“Uh…sure.” Chris responded.

“Still, it would be nice if that pink haired girl calmed down a bit.” Don stated.

Dan stared across the table at Don. “You know she wanted to be your friends the moment she saw you. I’m guessing she’d be a lot nicer if you just apologized.”

“Apologize?!” Don exclaimed.

Elise looked across the table to her father. “Dad, we brought her here so she could unwind. I’ve never known her to lash out at people she’s just met without any reason.” Elise raised her eyebrows. “I’m guessing you all didn’t make a very good impression on her when you first met.”

“Now, Junior, can you blame us…she is a bit…off.” Elise Sr. explained.

Elise rolled her eyes at being called Junior, “I can absolutely blame you two!” Elise exclaimed, motioning towards her parents. “You two judge someone before you’ve even met them and start talking down to them the second you come in contact with them.  You’ve done this with every one of my boyfriend’s you’ve ever met.”  Elise cocked her head slightly, raised her eyebrows and opened her eyes wide. “Not pleasant.” She added.

Chris nodded.

“They never did it with me.” Colby said proudly.

“Shhhh…” Dan said to Colby. “You’re more attractive when you don’t talk. So, shut up.”

“Hey!” Colby protested.

“Colby, please be quiet.” Elise Sr. said.

“Yes, mom…” Colby replied sheepishly.

Elise Sr. sighed. “You’re right Elise.” She said to her daughter. “We could have been nicer to her. Don and I will apologize to her tomorrow, and we’ll all get a fresh start.”

“We will?” Don asked with a small degree of surprise, turning to his wife.

“Yes, Don, we will.” Elise Sr. said sternly.

Don sighed. “Oh all, right.”

 “Great,” Dan exclaimed, “now apologize to me!” He added with a smile.

“WHAT?!” Don exclaimed.

“Don?” Elise Sr. said in a warning tone.

“Alright, I’msorryDan.” Don said, barely audibly.

“I’m sorry, there must be snow in my ears, didn’t quite catch that.” Dan said, cleaning his ear with a pinkie finger.

Don sighed loudly. “I’m sorry, Dan.”

Dan stood up with a smile. “See? Was that so hard?”

“Yes.” Don muttered to himself, crossing his arms and glancing to the side.

“Well, my work is done.” Dan announced motioning proudly to himself. “Now everyone play nice, or I’ll send Pinkie out here with her chainsaw.” He added. He motioned towards Mr. Mumbles who was sitting next to her empty food dish.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles quickly bounded towards Dan and quickly jumped up his outstretched arm to her favorite perch on his shoulder.

 “Is anyone else just a tad disturbed that Dan’s the sensible one here?” Chris asked.

Everyone else nodded while Dan walked towards the door to his and Pinkie’s room.

Elise shook her head. “It’s not going to last.”

Dan opened the door.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!” Pinkie cried.

The group at the table turned towards Dan.

“AH!” Dan covered his eyes with a hand. “Wait, Pinkie! Put down the sword. It’s me! I’m sorry.”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles cried out in alarm.

“Oh.” Pinkie giggled as the sounds of something thin and metal hit the ground was heard. “It’s okay, Dan. I thought you were someone else.”

A feminine hand with pink nail polish on the nails emerged from the door and grabbed Dan’s shirt, dragging him and Mr. Mumbles in. The door quickly shut behind them.

“It’s alright Dan,” The group continued to listen to the muffled conversation in the room, “you can open your eyes.” Pinkie said.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief. “Sorry, didn’t mean toGHAH! I THOUGHT YOU MEANT YOU’D PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!”

Pinkie’s giggling was heard again. “Awwww…someone’s embarrassed~.” She sang out.

“NO! WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! LET GO OF ME! GHA!”

There was a muffled ‘thump’, a startled “MEROW!” and more giggling followed by frustrated growling.

Elise motioned to the door Dan had just been pulled into. “There you go.”

Don turned to his daughter. “Are you sure those two aren’t a thing?”

“Well…they’re something, alright. But probably not the thing you’re thinking of.” Elise answered.

Don sighed. “Let’s just hope they never breed.”

“Dad! That’s not very nice.” Elise responded.

“Speaking of breeding, when are we going to see some Elise Junior Juniors, running around?” Don asked with a smile.

“DAD?! WHAT THE HECK?!” Elise exclaimed.

“And the award for most inappropriate segue goes to…” Chris said, motioning to Don.

Elise sighed. “I’m outie. Goodnight everyone.” She walked towards another room in the back.

Colby stood up. “I better go with her…”

“Hey!” Chris protested.

“I will put a bullet in the gut of anyone who isn’t my husband who opens this door.” Elise said warningly at the group, as she rested a hand on the knob to the aforementioned potential bleeding out before someone could get to the hospital door.

“I should probably stay here.” Colby said with a worried expression, sitting back down.

Elise opened the door, entered the room, and closed the door behind her.

Chris looked towards Elise Sr. “Any more stew? I could really go for seconds.” He asked with a goofy grin.

Elise Sr. sighed. “Just follow her, you moron.”

“Oh, right!” Chris said, standing up and heading towards the door Elise had just entered. He knocked on it. “Hey honey, it’s Chris. Please don’t shoot me.”

The door opened. “Come in, husband whom I love!” The group heard Elise call out.

Chris’s face flushed red. “Uh…I think I’m overdressed…” He replied.

A famine hand poked out from the door to claim Chris, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him inside.

“I can fix that.” Elise purred before the door closed.

The color drained from Elise Sr. and Don’s faces.

“Dear?” Elise Sr. said, turning to Don and quickly standing up. “I think that’s our cue to retreat to the RV for the night.”

Don also quickly stood up. “Yeah…better part of valor, and all that.” He turned to Colby with a glare. “Come along, Colby. I think we three need to have a little talk.” Don stressed irritably.

Colby frowned and rose to his feet.

**

“Nicer?!” A pajama clad Pinkie Pie exclaimed from her spot on the floor, leaning against the bed with a sleeping Mr. Mumbles behind her. A brown, wooden, rustic style, lamp cast a soft glow on her face from atop the nightstand next to her.  “After everything they said?!”

A t-shirt and boxer glad Dan held up an index finger from his spot on the floor a few feet away, “Only if they actually apologize in a non-passive aggressive manner. I’ll give you that much.”

Pinkie sighed, “Oh, alright…you’re probably right, Dan. This whole stay could use a bit more friendship and a bit less shoutyness.” Pinkie grinned and turned to Dan. “If they don’t apologize to me properly, we could always use all the gear we brought to give them a little scare!” She said excitedly.

Dan waved his hands out in front of him, “I already tried that with them the last time we all went camping. Colby has the strength of ten men!”

Pinkie giggled, “Does he have to call on the power of Greyskull, first?”

Dan grinned. “Nice reference, but we’re not putting on masks and arming ourselves. That’s how idiots get to the top of the ‘to be murdered by the real killer’ list,” Dan explained.

Pinkie paused, “There’s a list?”

Dan raised a palm to his face, “Of course, there is, stupid!”

Pinkie’s face changed to a pout, “Sorry Dan, I’m really new to this whole evil spirit and/or serial killer thing.”

Dan lowered his hand and sighed, “It’s alright, I’ll give you a crash course.”

“Yay!” Pinkie responded happily, bringing her hands together and resting them on her lap.

“Alright, so out of the seven of us, who do you think is the most likely to be killed first?” Dan asked.

Pinkie thought for a moment. “Colby.” She answered. “He’s only been in one episode and was briefly mentioned in like…one other.”

“Right.” Dan replied before he put on a confused expression. “Wait, what? No, never mind…” Dan said dismissively. “Who’s next on the list.”

“Uhhh…Don and Elise Sr.” Pinkie answered. “They’re not even main characters or anything.”

“Alright, just…pushing past the bizarreness of that answer, right again.” Dan raised an eyebrow, “Next.”

“Chris and Elise,” Pinkie said. “They’re important, but our names are in the title!” Pinkie reasoned.

“I…erm…okay, right again. We’re also the only ones preparing for something,” Dan added.

Pinkie smiled, “You do have that whole genre savvy thing going for you.”

Dan smiled, “See! You’re getting it.”

Pinkie smiled. “Thanks Dan.” She crossed her hand over her chest a few times and put her palm over her eyes as she declared, “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye that I won’t do anything that increased our status on the ‘to be murdered’ pecking order.”

Dan nodded with a smile. “Good.”

She yawned. “Sorry. I think all the snowball fighting and creating holy relics to protect us from the damned from every nook and cranny of the world have really taken a lot out of me.”

“Don’t forget all the arguing and fighting,” Dan added.

Pinkie sighed. “I won’t,” She declared.

Dan yawned as well. “Well, it’s pretty early for me, but we should try to get some sleep in case something attacks in the middle of the night.” He reasoned.

Pinkie stood up with a huge grin and sat down on the bed next to Mr. Mumbles, patting the spot next to her.

Dan rolled his eyes with a smile, “Alright, coming.” He sat down next to Pinkie who immediately leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder.

Pinkie turned to face Dan, her big, sky-blue eyes inches from his green ones. “Er…Dan?” She began, fluttering her eyelids. “I know you said you don’t like me holding you, but…”

Dan sighed. “Fine! Just don’t squeeze too tight.”

Pinkie beamed as she gave Dan a hug.

“GAHK! Yes, don’t do that.” Dan said over the sound of his bones cracking softly.

“Oops. Sorry Dan.” Pinkie said. She reached over to the lamp sitting next to the bed and turned it off.

Blankets rustled in the darkness.

“Also, no snoring in my ears,” Dan commanded.

Pinkie giggled, “No promises.”

***

“Alright, Colby. Would you kindly explain what the heck you were doing back there?!” Don demanded from his swivel chair in front of a huge screen embedded in the brown interior of the back of the RV. A number of smaller screens sat near it, and under the screen was a series of dials and a keyboard. On the screen itself, ‘Operation get rid of Chris 2’ appeared in a large font over a green, 3D, spinning, wireframe of Chris with a large green ‘X ‘over it.

“Seriously.” Elise Sr. said, leaning against the RV wall next to her husband. “I’ve seen frat boys with more subtlety than you!”

“Well,” Don began, “It would be forgivable if it was directed at the right woman!” He said, anger starting to creep into his voice.

From the small couch embedded in the wall of the RV, Colby raised his hands defensively. “Sorry, just trying to improvise the plan a little.”

“How, exactly, is hitting on that crazy pink haired girl ‘improvising’?” Elise asked, furrowing her brow at Colby.

Colby smiled. “I thought I could make Elise jealous. Remind her that a great guy like me won’t be available forever.”

Don and Elise Sr. looked at each other with contemplative expressions.

“Huh…” Don said, rubbing his chin. “We’ve never tried that.” He looked back at Colby. “But maybe you should save it for a girl who’s less likely to blow you up.”

Colby sighed. “Yeah… good point. Okay, we’ll stick to the plan.”

Elise Sr. smiled. “That’s the spirit! We just need to get Elise and Chris out into the woods. Separate them, get them lost…”

Don smiled. “The bacon trap I left in the woods should lure Chris right into a hole he can’t climb out of, and the tampered with GPS we swapped Elise’s for outa get them lost and keep her lost as she goes to find help.

Colby smiled. “Then I find and rescue Elise!”

Don smiled. “Yep! She’ll be so grateful and Chris will be so lost…or eaten by wild animals…or dead of exposure, she’ll forget all about him and settle down with you!”

Elise Sr. smiled. “Simple, yet brilliant.”

“We’ll just need to make sure Dan and Pinkie don’t mess it up, but I’m sure we can come up with something suitably shiny to distract them with.” Don reasoned.

“And everyone is happy!” Colby added. “Well…not Chris…since he’d likely be dead.”

Elise Sr. smiled “Alright gang, let’s get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day.”

***

Night had claimed the forest, enveloping the Cabin, blue sedan, and white RV in a thick blanket of silence and darkness.  The trees, structure, and vehicles, and snow only slightly lightened by stars and a half-moon. Shadows of large, triangular shaped trees pointed out from the forest towards the vehicles and cabin like jagged arrows pointing towards a target. A thin, bearded silhouette formed from the shadows and growled deeply as it approached the white RV, and casted even further gloom against the side of it and a window that had its shades drawn closed. The silhouette shrank to the size of an almost rail thin man, darkened against the white side of the RV.

With a roar, the shadow changed and a large axe-shaped emerged from the top of it. In a flash of movement, a metal axe head shattered the silence with the sound of broken glass and startled screaming.

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 37 Elise Vs. Elise’s Parents (and Hiram, I guess…)

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 37 Elise Vs. Elise’s Parents (and Hiram, I guess…)

***

‘Crash’

“AHHHH!”

“Colby, what…OH MY GOD!”

“WHAT’S GOING…”

“I’M GOING TO EAT ALL OF YOU!”

Dan grumbled irritably as he was woken by the sound of broken glass, panicked RV occupants, and cannibalistic promises. He tugged at the vice like grip around his chest. “Pinkie, let go. Sounds like we have a situation.”

“I heard.” Pinkie responded cheerfully. “Could you give me a few more minutes? You’re really warm.”

Dan sighed as he felt Pinkie’s head rub against his back. “No, Pinkie. When whatever is out there is done with them, it’s going to come here…maybe…And I’d rather face it armed and wearing pants.” Dan explained.

“Clothing is overrated, anyway!” Pinkie argued.

“Be that as it may, it’s the middle of the night and I’d least like a few minutes to wake up if I have hack someone with a machete!”

Pinkie gave an exasperated “Fine!” and let go of Dan to lean over and turn on the lamp next to the bed.

Dan cringed as the room filled with light.

Pinkie sat up and yawned loudly, stretching her pink pajama clad arms and pink nail polished hands out as far as they would go up and out into the air.

Mr. Mumbles mewed softly and hopped off the bed.

Dan grumpily sat up in bed. “Stupid serial killers and evil monsters always attacking in the middle of the night. Makes me want to physically assault Thursdays.” He mumbled.

Pinkie stood up off the bed, lifted an arm straight up into the air, and grabbed her elbow with her hand on the opposite arm. She then switched arms and repeated the process. “Hey Dan, why don’t I go grab you a glass of ‘Wake up punch’?’”

Dan shimmied over to the side of the bed and hopped off. “Well…I probably won’t sleep for the next day or two, but I guess it beats dying horrifically.”

Pinkie smiled. “That’s the spirit!” Pinkie slipped on some pink slippers and exited the room into the dark living area.

“Oh! Hi, Chris!” Pinkie said to the tall, terrified looking man in blue footie pajamas. “Dan and I were going to wake up a bit before whatever is out is done eating and or dismembering all the people in the RV outside.” Pinkie said in her characteristically chipper tone.

Chris walked over to Pinkie and put his large, shaking hands on her shoulders. “Pinkie! I can’t find Elise! I think she’s out there!”

“Oh, well…that’s disconcerting.” Pinkie said, her smile dropping. She put a reassuring hand on one of Chris’s. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

“LET GO OF ME, YOU IDIOT!” The two heard Elise call out. “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ALL OF US KILLED.”

“Uh…relatively speaking that is.” Pinkie said with a nervous smile.

“I have to go out there!” Chris said, letting go of Pinkie and fighting past his obvious terror wracked state to walk towards the door.

Dan emerged from his and Pinkie’s room with a yawn, jeans applied to legs, boots applied to feet. “What idiotic thing are you planning on doing?”

“Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed in an alarmed tone. “Elise is out there! Chris wants to rescue her.”

The group stopped and listened as the sound of a gun firing shots was heard.

“Yeah, that is pretty idiotic.” Dan said.

“I want to rescue her, too!” Pinkie added with big, blue, pleading eyes and a quivering lower lip.

Dan sighed. “Alright, get me some punch and something sharp. I guess I’m a moron, too.”

“Yay!” Pinkie declared, running off in a pink blur.

Chris’s face lit up and his trembling eased a bit. “You two will come with me?”

The call of Elise shouting “…AND LET’S GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!” rang from outside.

Pinkie reappeared with her parka over her pajamas, a couple of glasses filled with some dark red semi-viscous, liquid in one hand, a sheathed chainsaw and cricket bat clutched against her torso with her other arm, and a cutlass in her hand.  “Of course, silly! Elise is our friend!” Pinkie insisted as she shoved a glass filled with some dark red, viscous liquid in one of Chris’s hands and pushed a cricket bat into the other.

“Plus if you two go out there to do something stupid, and I sit here because I think I’ll be safer, somehow I’ll be the one who gets murdered.” Dan sighed out as Pinkie shoved a glass in his hand, and a cutlass in the other.

“What is this?” Chris asked examining his sinister looking semi-liquid in the glass.

“Mostly sugar.” Dan replied. “And energy shots.” He added.

“Don’t forget some delicious fresh squeezed fruit juice for flavor!” Pinkie added cheerfully, as she removed the sheath from her red chainsaw.

“Just drink it, monkey face.” Dan ordered. “It will blast our brains with enough caffeine and chemicals that we think running outside in the middle of the night to confront an unknown terror is a lot less suicidal.”

Dan and Chris closed their eyes, lifted their glasses, opened their mouths, and poured the red sludge down their throats.

Chris’s eyes shot open as the sound of more gunfire was heard, and his black pupils dilated until the turquoise in his eyes had given way to black.

“What?!” Chris exclaimed looking at the new empty glass. “Ooooh yeah, I feel great!” Chris turned to Dan. “DAN! I’m going out there and I’m going to swing this bat at the first dangerous thing I see, and by the way, I feel GREAT!”

“CHRIS!” Dan replied, his eyes having similarly morphed as sugar, chemicals, and caffeine coursed through his bloodstream. “You’re a great guy with great skills and you’re going to do GREAT! What the hell, I’m coming with you!”

Pinkie gleefully raised the red, boxy chainsaw towards her face, placed her teeth around the starter grip, and quickly pulled the chainsaw away from her with both hands as she jerked her head back.

The saw chain started rotating as the chainsaw roared to life with a loud ‘BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrNnnNNNnNNNN’.

“Alright, everyone! Let’s dare to be stupid!” Pinkie shouted over the sound of her chainsaw.

Dan and Chris howled excited sounding war cries as Chris led the charge towards the cabin door.

<*>

‘Crash’

The glass window exploded inward as a metal axe head easily moved through the brittle material.

“AHHHH!” Colby Screamed as the window above the couch he was sleeping on shattered, covering his burgundy blanket with tiny, jewel sized shards of glass.

Elise Sr. shot up in the bed at the back of the RV. “Colby, what…OH MY GOD!” She exclaimed, as a gaunt, emaciated face framed by a wild, unkempt beard emerged through the window.

Don, likewise, shot up in bed and ripped a black eye mask off his face. “WHAT’S GOING…”

“I’M GOING TO EAT ALL OF YOU!” The crazed man roared into the cabin, his beady, crazed, glowing eyes darting back and forth over the occupants of the RV. A skeletal hand wrapped in tight skin with long, broken and twisted nails swiftly emerged from the shattered window and clutched at Colby’s chest, grabbing a fist full of blanket and pajamas underneath.

Colby made a startled gasp and attempted to rip the hand from his chest. Much to his surprise, he found he was dealing with someone stronger than him and the hand held fast.

A second claw like hand emerged from the window, pushing through safety glass as if it was as thin and brittle as taunt rice paper, and grabbed hold of the window frame as red blood trickled from the hand against the brown interior of the RV. The face began to pull forward and the mouth of the bony face opened revealing a mouth full of pointed teeth, and a long tongue that lapped out hungrily as the body of the man inched forward towards Colby’s panicked face.

“No…” Elise Sr. whispered, her husband and her frozen in fear at the sight only a few yards in front of them.

Through the pale moonlight that shone into the camper, a shadow flickered from a corner of the RV. A combat boot flew into the light at an incredibly speed and intercepted the face of the starved looking man.

With an angry roar, the bearded man fell back outside as he lost his grip on both victim and window frame.

“Junior?!” Don exclaimed.

“Dad! Mom! Get out of here!” Elise responded, revealing herself in her full, belted, and combat duded glory.

Colby threw off the blanket that was covering him, leapt to his blue, footie pajama clad feet and, wrapped his arms around Elise, dragging her towards the back of the camper. “Elise! What are you doing here?! It’s not safe!”

“I’m saving you! Let go, moron! We should all be running towards the exits that are on the other side of the RV!” Elise shouted.

Don and Elise Sr. sat up out of bed. Don quickly put some boots on over his white and red pinstriped pajama bottoms that complimented his pajama shirt. Elise Sr. put her ugg boots on over her bare feet that sat under a white, silk nightgown. The two quickly grabbed coats hanging on the wall next to them and threw them on.

“Son, you better listen to her!” Don said.

With an inhuman growl, Hiram’s hungry face remerged in the broken window, and his hands flew out to grasp the frames once more, more glass quickly gave way under his thin, gaunt hands.

“LET GO OF ME, YOU IDIOT!” Elise screamed at Colby. “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ALL OF US KILLED.”

“No, Elise! I can’t let you face that monstOUCH!” Colby cried out as the heel of a black combat boot dug into his foot. He let go off Elise and stumbled backwards slightly.

In a swift movement, Elise raised both her hands. Her left fist swung behind her shoulder, it collided with Colby’s nose with an audible ‘Crack’. Her right hand held a boxy pistol that she leveled at Hiram’s face.

Hiram paused as he saw the weapon pointed directly at him and looked up at Elise with hungry, piercing, glowing eyes.

Elise paused as well. She stared into the face of her target. With a frustrated growl, she lowered the weapon slightly and let loose a series of shots into the vehicles wall, under Hiram’s face.

Hiram shrieked in pain and fell to the ground.

“Did…did you get him?” Elise Sr. choked out.

A low growl was heard from the ground.

“Apparently not enough! Grab that useless idiot clutching at his nose on the ground AND LET’S GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!”

Don and Elise Sr. bent down and pulled up an arm of Colby each who merely moaned in reply. The two draped Colby across their shoulders, rose to their feet, and carried Colby with them towards the front of the RV.

Elise quickly made her way to the side door, and promptly threw it open. She peaked outside, gun at the ready, pointed at where she thought Hiram would be.

A bloody patch of disturbed snow was all she found sitting under the broken RV window.

Elise turned back into the RV. “Dad, Mom! Go out the front of the RV and run!”

Elise Sr. and Don made their way past their daughter as Elise tentatively stepped onto the two metal steps that lead to the snowy ground. She jumped off the bottom step and spun her body so she faced the RV, eye and gun leveled at the dark underside.

Don opened the passenger side door to the RV and he, Colby, and Elise Sr. exited the vehicle.

Elise turned to them. “Go! I’ll cover USSAAAH!”

Clawed hands reached out and grabbed Elise by the ankles, they pulled her feet into the void of the underside of the RV.

“Junior!” Elise Sr. and Don cried in alarm.

Elise lowered her gun until the bottom of the grip was resting on her stomach and fired into the darkness. An inhuman sounding howl roared out and the vice like grip on her ankles subsided. Elise kicked her way free and rose to her feet.

Elise turned to her parents. “RUN!”

The two broke for the cabin as fast as they could holding the injured man between the,.

Elise quickly overtook them, and ran up the steps to the cabin porch.

She turned and pointed her gun out towards the RV, her eyes searching for any sign of movement.

She flinched as she heard the sound of a chainsaw coming to life from inside the cabin, and threw open the door.

‘THUD’

“Pinkie! Wait!” Elise pleaded.

Wait…what did the door just hit?

<*>

“Alright, everyone! Let’s dare to be stupid!” Pinkie shouted over the sound of her chainsaw.

Dan and Chris howled excited sounding war cries as Chris led the charge to the cabin door.

‘THUD’

The door flew open and smashed into Chris charging bulk who collapsed in a heap on the ground.

Dan and Pinkie paused as they stared at the very much alive Elise.

“Elise!” Pinkie exclaimed, releasing her grip on the chainsaw throttle. It quickly quieted down as Pinkie set it on the ground. “You’re alright!” Pinkie said excitedly, running over to Elise and giving the maroon haired girl a big hug.

“Hi, Pinkie!” Elise said with a smile, returning the hug with one hand as she kept her gun pointed outside.

Elise Sr. and Don quickly entered the cabin, dragging Colby with them.

“Oh, and everyone else is alright, too.” Pinkie mused. She sighed. “Oh well, life is not perfect.”

“Colby looks like whatever is out there did a number on him.” Dan mentioned with a joyful grin; caffeine, sugar, and chemicals coursing through his veins. “I guess that’s something.”

Elise quickly shut the door and peaked edged towards a window, moving the curtains out of the way and peaking outside. “Actually, I did that.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Awesome!”

“Where’s Chris?!” Elise said turning into the room and looking about frantically.

“Hi, honey…” a week voice called out from the floor.

“Chris! I’m so sorry!” Elise quickly lowered herself to the ground and helped her husband to his feet.

“It’s okay…” Chris dizzily offered. “We were going to rescue you! Both of you!” He added his head and eyes wobbling loosely.

Dan held out a thumbs up. “And here you are! Mission accomplished, Team Stupid!” Dan said happily.

“Hurray!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly throwing her arms up victoriously.

“Hurrayayayaya…” Chris added woozily.

Elise Sr. and Don deposited Colby on the loveseat.

“Oooo!” Chris and Colby have the same pajamas!” Pinkie giggled. “They’re  twins!”

“And they both are sporting painful looking head wounds!” Dan added cheerfully.

Don sniffed the air, and leveled a glare at Pinkie Pie as he pointed towards the chainsaw. “Don’t tell me you started that thing inside!” He exclaimed with hints of anger creeping into his voice.

“Excuse me?!” Pinkie exclaimed as her eyes went wide and she stared back at Don. “The three of us where going to run out there to face that thing and you’re concerned because a little gasoline smell?!”

“It might take weeks to get the smell out of the drapes!” Elise Sr. whined.

“UUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!” Pinkie exclaimed to the ceiling as she threw her head back and her arms out.  She lowered her head to look back at Don, Elise Sr. and Colby. “That is IT! No more Ms. Nice Pony! You three are the most self-centered, egotistical, insufferable people I have ever had the displeasure of meetingin my life!”

Don began to close the distance between him and Pinkie. “Now, listen here, you pink haired FREAK, I’ve put up with an awfGHK!” Don found himself interrupted as the air was knocked out of his lungs. Courtesy of a feminine hand that punched at full strength into his diaphragm.  He collapsed to his knees as one of his hands stopped his descent and wheezed as he covered his stomach with his free arm.

Pinkie’s, Chris’s, and Dan’s jaws dropped and hung open as they looked at Elise who had quickly ran to intercept her father and deliver a painful looking blow into his belly.

“Junior!” Elise Sr. called out in surprise. “What are you doing!?”

“DON’T CALL ME JUNIOR!” Elise roared at her mother.

She leaned down and grabbed her father by his pinstriped pajama collar and locked violet eyes with his. “OPERATION GET RID OF CHRIS TWO?!” She screamed. “WHAT, PRAY TELL, WAS OPERATION GET RID OF CHRIS ONE?!”

Dan raised his hand excitedly. “Ooooo! Ooooo! I know! I know! They wanted to capture Chris and ship him off to a ball-bearing factory so you’d forget about him and marry Colby!” He explained.

“WHAT?!” Elise screamed.

“And that’s how I saved Christmas!” Dan exclaimed, a huge mad grin plastered on his face. “Or ended up in Siberia…I keep mixing those two up…”

Pinkie glanced at her sugar and caffeine high roommate, then looked at Chris. She pointed to Dan with her thumb. “Is this what I’m like?” She asked.

Chris nodded as the room and its occupants slowly came into focus. “Like…all the time.”

Pinkie grinned, hints of pensiveness hiding in the corners of her smile. “Uh, Dan? Let’s get some relaxing herbal tea in you. I think I may have over punched you.” Pinkie began walking towards the kitchen area.

“Yay! Tea is Awesoooome~!” Dan sang, bounding over to the stove.

Colby spoke up from his spot on the loveseat. “Now, Elise, your mom and dad just want what’s best for you.”

Elise Sr. and Don nodded in agreement.

“STOW THAT LINE OF NONSENSE THE THREE OF YOU!” Elise roared. “PINKIE’S RIGHT! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!” She brought her father forcefully to his feet and locked eyes with him once more. “You don’t even remember you have a son half the time!” Elise said accusingly as she held onto her father’s shirt.

“Of course I do!” Don said with a hurt expression. “He’s sitting right in front of the fireplace.”

Elise snarled and raised her knee into her father’s stomach, he collapsed to the ground once again as Elise fell on him and began raining blows on him.

“Dad!” Colby said as he rose to his feet and ran over.

Pinkie quickly bounded over from the kitchen and placed a pink pajama clad leg in Colby’s path.

Colby’s ankle ran into Pinkie’s leg and he went flailing towards the hardwood floor, landing nose first on the ground with a ‘crack’.

“Whoops! Silly me.” Pinkie said giggling to herself.

Colby merely moaned in reply.

“Junior…Elise! Stop that! That’s your father!” Elise Sr. called out in an alarmed tone.

Elise looked up from her pummeling long enough to shoot eyes full of angry laser beams at her mother and announced. “YOU’RE NEXT!” She quickly looked back down and continued her unrelenting attack.

Elise Sr. looked at the trio of still standing cabin occupants. “Don’t just stand there! DO SOMETHING!” She added.

“I AM doing something!” Pinkie responded. “I’m making tea!” She said with a smile.

On cue, the kettle began to whistle. “Oh! There we go!” Pinkie turned and walked back into the kitchen area.

Dan and Chris exchanged glances and shrugs.

“I think she wants us to help Elise!” Dan offered with a smile.

“Uhhh…” Chris began, “I think Elise is doing just fine on her own.”

Dan jumped up and down excitedly as he clapped his hands. “Ooooo! Ooooo! Maybe she wants us to offer moral support to her daughter!”

Chris smiled. “Works for me!” He turned to his wife. “Go Elise! Beat him senseless! Remember that he tried to trap me in a hole and exile me to another country!” He shouted at his wife.

“ERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Elise roared.

Don covered his face and chest with his arms as his daughter redoubled her efforts.

Elise Sr. piped up, “That’s not…”

“GO! Elise! Remember all the activities they forced you into!” Dan shouted. “Remember how they never let you go into dancing!”

Elise screamed with primal rage and continued assaulting her father.

Pinkie bounded over to Dan and Chris. “Ooooo! Ooooo! What are we doing now?”

Dan turned to Pinkie. “We’re giving Elise reasons to continue pummeling her father! Come on! It’s fun!” He answered in a chipper tone.

“Ooooooooooo! Neato-torpedo!” Pinkie responded excitedly. She turned to Elise. “Remember how your dad called me a lunatic, freak, and all kinds of nasty names!”

Elise moved her father’s hands away from his face and grabbed the sides of his head, raising it slightly so she was starting into his frightened eyes with her violet, rage filled, remorseless ones. “I’m going to smash your head against the floor until candy comes out!” She announced grimly.

Don gulped.

“Elise!” Elise Sr. pleaded. “Please! Stop!”

Elise looked up at her mother. “No! Not this time, you’ve both gone too far!”

Elise Sr. looked over towards Dan, Chris, and Pinkie once more. “Please! You have to help Don.”

The three looked at each other with blank expressions. They turned back to Elise Sr.

“Erm…why?” Pinkie asked in a mildly confused tone.

“Yeah, sorry, I think I have to draw the line somewhere.” Chris explained. “And I think attempted exile and murder is a pretty good place.”

Dan smiled and raised his hands in a shrug. “And I’m simply completely apathetic!”

“Uhhh…why…why...” Elise Sr. muttered. She glanced to the animal head trophy adorned wall as if one of the heads would speak an answer to her. Suddenly, she snapped a finger and turned back to the trio. “Because there’s probably still an axe murderer outside and we’re going to need to work together if we want to survive!”

Elise paused as she held a fist up parallel to her head, ready to punch her Dad’s face into the floor. “Ooops.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “So it is Hiram?”

Elise let go of her father, stood up and nodded.

“Who’s Hiram?” Pinkie asked.

“A psychotic, deranged, cannibal that wanted to brutally torture Chris and I before eating us.” Dan paused. “Wait! How did you know it was Hiram?” He asked Chris with a suspicious tone.

“Uhh…” Chris looked away and trailed off.

Elise looked from side to side nervously. “I uh…was sort of sent here to find him…” She admitted sheepishly.

“Wait!” Dan exclaimed. “You knew this maniac might be out here and you took us on the trip anyways.”

“Erm…yes?” Elise offered in a worried tone.

Dan’s eyes narrowed. “Were we bait?”

Elise felt a deep pit in her stomach as shame completely enveloped her face. “Yes.” She muttered softly.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged a blank look that quickly gave way to giant, toothy smiles. “YAY! WE’RE USEFUL!” The announced as they held both their hands up high and slapped them against each other’s.

Elise stared at the pair with a confused expression. “Uhh…”

Just roll with it.

“Are these three still top of the ‘to be murdered’ list?” Pinkie asked Dan.

“With all the stunts they pulled?” Dan exclaimed. “It’s absatoovely, positively, amazinglyly that they’re even still alivee!” He said with a huge smile.

Pinkie shrugged. “Works for me!”

Elise took a calming breath and helped her father to his feet.

Don grimaced and held his bruised and battered torso. “When this is over, we’re going to have a long talk.” He said to his daughter.

Elise raised an eyebrow. “Like how I downloaded years’ worth of incriminating evidence to a flash drive and will probably only have long talks with any of you through a prison phone, if at all?”

Don and Elise Sr. exchanged worried expressions.

Don’s expression suddenly brightened. “You know what? Maybe now is a good time to bury the hatchet.” Don turned to Chris and opened his arms wide. “C’mere, son! Give your dad a hug!”

Chris grinned darkly and walked over towards Don, wrapping his arms around the older man’s injured torso and squeezing tightly. “I’ll get you for this.” Chris whispered.

“Uh, Chris? You’re squeezing me too hard.” Don said through the shooting pain in his ribs.

Chris responded by tightening his grip.

“Speaking of Hatchets,” Dan began, “Let’s see what ye ol’ axe murder is up to!”

“Nice segue.” Pinkie said with a smile holding out a fist.

“Thanks!” Dan replied happily, bumping his roomies fist with his own.

“Tra la la la la la la.” Dan sang as he bounded over to the window.

The group collectively raised their eyebrows at Dan’s behavior.

Chris let Don go and he and his wife meekly made their way to the couch and sat down.

“Oh! Tea!” Pinkie said, holding a palm up to her chest and dropping a fist into it. “Tra la la la la la la.” she sang as she bounded over to a set of steaming cups on the kitchen counter.

Dan walked up to the center of the curtains and happily threw them open. His smile quickly abandoned his face as surprise took over. “DUCK!” He called out, dropping to the floor.

Everyone complied with the exception of Pinkie, who turned away from the kitchen, mugs of steaming tea in her hands.

“Duck? Where?” She asked, looking from side to side.

‘Crash’

A wood chopping axe flew thru the window and spun through the air on a collision course for Pinkie’s head.

‘THONK’

Dan looked up towards his roommate. “Pinkie!” He yelled out in alarm.

“EEEEEAP!” Pinkie said as she crossed her eyes, examining the wooden axe handle in front of her face, managing to still hold onto several mugs of tea by their handles. She followed the handle up with her eyes, craning her head back until she was staring at the metal axe head which had lodged itself and a sizable amount of her pink curls in the cupboard over the stove. She looked over at Dan with a nervous smile. “Uh, Dan? Be a dear and help me out here. I’m quite stuck.” She informed.

Dan ran over to his roommate, and gripped the axe. He pulled back and the axe gave up its hold on hair and cupboard. Dan fell backwards, crashing towards the floor holding the axe.

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Dan…Wait! Where are you going?!” Pinkie called as Dan rose to his feet and sprinted to the shattered window.

“HEY, SKINNY! YOU DROPPED SOMETHING!” Dan shouted, flinging the axe and flicking his wrist as he threw it, putting a nice spin on it.

The axe whizzed through the air and came to a sudden stop in Hiram’s chest.

“Nice throw, Dan!” Elise exclaimed.

Dan smiled. “It’s all in the wrist!” He announced proudly, raising his hand and flicking it out quickly.

Hiram merely grunted in replied, removed the axe from his chest, and readied it for another throw.

“DAN! Duck!” Elise called out. Dan turned and his eyes went wide as he dove for cover behind the window, the blade of the axe narrowly missing his head by a hairs width.

‘THONK’

“EEEEEAP!” Pinkie said as she crossed her eyes, examining the now familiar wooden axe handle in front of her face. Her eyes narrowed. “Why is it always me?!”

“Don’t worry, Pinkie! I’ll help!” Dan announced. He ran over to his roommate, and gripped the axe. He pulled back and the axe gave up its hold on hair and cupboard. Dan fell backwards, crashing towards the floor holding the axe.

Pinkie breathed another sigh of relief. “Thanks, Dan…NO! STOP!” She cried, as Dan once again sprinted towards the broken window.

“HEY, MANGY BEARD! YOU DROPPED…” Dan felt a hand on the axe and looked up to see Chris holding the handle.

“Dan, stop giving the maniac back his axe!” Chris exclaimed in a panicked tone.

“Oh…right.” Dan replied.

“I can smell your fear!” Hiram replied eerily from in front of the cabin porch, his eyes glowing in the darkness of the cold, cold night.

Dan looked out the broken window and rubbed his chin as Pinkie walked up and held a hand with two cups of steaming tea in front of him.

“Thank you, bestest best buddy!” Dan said with a smile as he took one of the mugs.

“You’re welcome, bestest best buddy!” Pinkie replied, mirroring the smile. She handed Chris the other mug of tea in her hand and looked outside. “Are his eyes glowing…is he licking the air with a giant tongue?” She asked knitting her brow as she examined the rail thin man outside.

Dan sipped his tea and looked back to Hiram who had begun sticking his hands on open air and licking it on a plane parallel to his palms; like a mime might do if it was trapped in a particularly tasty invisible box. A tattered and shredded light brown shirt hung loosely off Hiram’s shoulders. Equally tattered and shredded trousers dangled loosely around Hiram’s waist and legs, held up only by a pair of suspenders.

“He’s possessed.” Dan murmured.

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Really! So all those charms outside are keeping him from entering the cabin?!” She asked excitedly.

Dan held up a palm towards Pinkie. “Yeppers!” He announced proudly.

Pinkie and Dan exchanged an enthusiastic high-five with each other.

 “HA!” Pinkie turned to Don. “In your face, Don.”

Don sighed loudly. “He’s not possessed! He’s probably just hopped up on a PCP or something.” He announced as he flung his arms out and looked towards the ceiling.

“Right, because PCP would totally make your eyes glow in the dark.” Chris responded rolling his eyes.

Pinkie handed Elise a cup of tea, leaving Pinkie with a final mug for herself.

Colby finally rose to his feet, a red stream of blood caked around his nose. “This is ridiculous!” He announced. “We’ll all cowering in fear over one unarmed, starving man.”

Elise, Dan, Pinkie, and Chris all exchanged glances with each other as Elise Sr. got up and walked to the kitchen, grabbing some paper towels and wetting a few.

“We’re not cowering.” Dan protested. “We’re just prioritizing watching Elise beating the snot out of her dad, drinking tea, and figuring out what that thingy out there is before we do something stupid…” Dan glanced up for a second, then back at Colby. “…again.”

Pinkie looked over Colby, Don, and Elise Sr. “Do you three want tea? I made enough for everyone whether they deserve it or not.” She explained.

“It’s just some drug fueled crazy who apparently hasn’t eaten in weeks!” Colby insisted as Elise Sr. handed him some damp paper towels to clean his face with. “I’ve wrestled a 300 pound gorilla! I bet I can take that guy out in a matter of seconds!”

Pinkie sipped her tea. “Colby, I really think you should calm down and have some nice, herbal tea.” Pinkie smiled. “It’s chamomile~!” She sang out.

Elise crossed her arms and rolled her eyes at Colby. “Colby, sit down.” Elise instructed. “We just need to figure this out before anyone runs out to do something moronic.”

“No, Elise! A real man acts, a real man takes charge, a real man faces danger head on!” Colby retorted dramatically.

“Do real men, wear dorky looking footy pajamas?” Dan asked. “Because there’s two guys wearing those in here.” Dan pointed out.

Colby looked at Dan with a fiery determination. “These are the trappings of a man! And I’ve earned them through my many, manly exploits! Unlike some people who are also in here and named Chris!”

“Heeey!” Chris protested.

“Elise, just let him go.” Pinkie said, putting a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Claiming footy pajamas are some sort of symbol of manly pride is going to make for some hilarious last words.” She added with a grin.

Elise pondered this for a second.

Colby went up to Elise and lifted her chin, so she was looking up into his sky-blue eyes with her violet ones. “Elise, I need to protect you, because you can’t protect yourself. It’s far too dangerous for you to go out there. You would get hurt, or worse. Without me, you don’t stand a chance of making it.”

Elise’s eyes went wide. “You know what, Colby? You’re right! Go out there and show that maniac what for.” She said, faking a huge smile as she swung in enthusiastic fist in front of her chest.

Colby smiled and nodded as he headed for the door.

“Kick his ass, son!” Elise Sr. called out.

“You bet, mom!” Colby responded.

“Show him what team Real Man is made of!”

“Of course, dad!” Colby turned and gave his dad a huge smile, of glinting white teeth and a thumbs up before turning towards the door once more.

Pinkie turned to Don. “I betcha one hundred dollars Colby is a corpse within 30 seconds.”

Don’s eyes narrowed. “You’re on, crazy.”

Colby threw open the door to the cabin, and resolutely made his way onto the porch and down the steps. Footy pajamas stomping powerfully against the wood.

The occupants of the cabin walked towards the shattered window to watch the fight unfold.

Hiram paused and shuffled over in front of Colby at the base of the cabin stairs.

Colby stood tall at the top of the porch.

“Alright, killer! You’ve terrorized Don, Elise Sr. her daughter, and me!” Colby cried. “Let’s end this!”

“Hey! What are we? Chopped liver?” Dan cried.

Hiram began a low, growl as he regarded Colby with his glowing, feral eyes.

“Taste the power of a real man!” Colby cried as he cleared the first three cabin stairs in two giant steps and threw his weight into a punch that collided solidly with Hiram’s face and left the haggard and hungry axe murderer…

…

…angrier.

Hiram grabbed Colby’s still outstretched arm in his claw like hands and flung the muscular blond man over his head.

The next thing Colby felt was the bone chilling cold of the night as he flew through the sky briefly, followed by the loosely packed snow, then the hard ground under it. Next thing he knew, sharp teeth sunk into his throat and came back up with a substantial chunk of it.

“COLBY!” Elise Sr. and Don cried out in a terrified tone.

Elise Sr. buried her face in her husband’s chest.

Chris cringed and closed his eyes.

Elise watched with an almost detached look on her face.

“He tasted the power, alright.” Dan said as he sipped his tea.

“HA! Good one!” Pinkie replied, holding out her palm at face level.

Dan smiled and gave his roommate another high five.

“This is great tea, by the way! Very relaxing.” Dan said with a content smile.

“Thank you, Dan!” Pinkie said, closing her eyes and smiling. She turned to Don. “Alright, pay up.”

Don glared at her. “We don’t know if he’s dead, yet!” He argued.

“Right, because people often survive having their throat ripped out.” Dan said flatly.

“Really?” Pinkie asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dan sipped his tea. “No, not at all.”

“Shhhhhh!” Elise shushed the group as she looked over at Hiram. “Something’s happening.”

Hiram inhaled deep breaths more animal than human. Thin, brown fur began to grow on his face and hands as his body expanded outward in all directions, destroying his already ragged shirt as the suspenders snapped from the stress of being over stretched. Soon the body of an emaciated man was replaced with that of a thin, towering beast with a face like a bearded skull wrapped in tight, leathery skin and a giant mouth full of razor sharp teeth; and hands of long, slender claw like fingers that ended in several inch long, jagged nails. The arms and legs of the monster resembled something closer to bumpy, fleshy poles, attached to a thin fur and tight skin covered ribcage. The tattered brown pants remained, but now hanged loose from the creature’s thin waist.  It stood on huge, flat reptilian looking feet.

The creature looked at the occupants of the cabin and gave a piercing howl that sent terror into the very souls of Don and Elise Sr.

“Oh, that can’t be good.” Chris muttered.

Elise looked over to her husband and then past him to Dan and Pinkie. “You three are taking this remarkably well.”

“I think I’m still riding a crazy caffeine and sugar high.” Chris explained turning to his wife. Though, the terror on his face showed he was not completely unfazed.

“You should drink some tea, buddy.” Dan said with a smile. “It’s soothing.”

Chris brought the shaky mug of tea to his lips and sipped it. Suddenly his demeanor changed as his face and body relaxed. “Hmmm…that is soothing!”

Elise looked at Pinkie. “Let me guess, ‘tea’?” She asked.

Pinkie smiled. “Nope! Creepy howls can’t hurt us Elise! It’s what’s making the creepy howls that could potentially rip us all limb from limb!” Pinkie explained joyfully.

Elise took a sip as the monster started frustratingly growling and clawing at open air inches from the cabin. “This is really good, Pinkie!” She announced with a smile.

Pinkie beamed. She looked over at the cowering couple at the end of the group. “Are you two sure you don’t want any tea?”

“WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” Don shrieked.

“Fine. No tea for you,” Pinkie said.

With a final frustrated growl, the monster turned back to the body of Colby. Swept it into its rail like arms and fingers, raised it to its razor sharp teeth, and began tearing at pajamas and flesh as it consumed the limp corpse.

“Yep,” Chris began, “Gonna have nightmares of this for months and months to come,” he declared, calmly taking another sip of tea.

Dan and Elise examined the beast carefully in-between sips of tea. Slowly, a smile spread across both their faces.

“Wendigo,” They said in unison.

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 38 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Wendigo

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 38 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Wendigo

****

 “Windigo?” Pinkie asked, staring out at the towering creature as it feasted on what was once Colby. “That’s not a Windigo!” She insisted.

“It’s a giant, emaciated looking creature that possess and eats people!” Dan said motioning out to the emaciated looking creature which had possess someone and was now eating someone else. “What else could it be?!”

“But…” Pinkie stared at the second and looked back at Dan. “Windigos are like…snowy ghost horses that cover everything in ice.”

“…What?” Dan replied with a confused look. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” Dan stated.

“I thought Wendigos were, like, vengeful spirits that were mad at global warming.” Elise Sr. stated.

“Okay, now that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Dan said, his eyes narrowing slightly as he turned to point at Elise Sr.

“Wait…” Chris began. “If it’s a Wendigo, do you think it’s mad because Don purchased this cabin when it was originally the inheritance to a daughter, but her brother really wanted it, but the daughter sold it to Don instead?” Chris asked.

“Did…did you three all plan to out moron each other?!” Dan asked throwing his hands into the air in an exasperated manner.

“No!” Pinkie insisted. “Windigos are these bunch of ghosty horsies that show up when poni…I mean people can’t get along and they make it snow and slowly freeze everyone to death.” She explained.

Dan sighed. “Okay Pinkie, you win. Your idea is by far the worse. Congratulations!”

“Yay!” Pinkie said enthusiastically, clapping her hands together. “What do I win?!” She asked with a big grin.

“You win shut up.” Dan answered.

Pinkie’s smile was quickly replaced by a pout.

“Guys, that’s totally a Wendigo.” Elise insisted.  “I’ve read about them.” She continued to sip her tea and stare at the grisly display of a giant monster ripping Colby’s lifeless body limb from limb and stripping the flesh from his bones. “Thank goodness its pants stayed on.” Elise added.

Dan turned to her. “I know right? We could have beholden something truly terrifying.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Elise said sipping her tea as blood sprayed onto the cabin porch.

“It’s EATING Colby!” Don stated angrily as he motioned out to the beast. “What could be more terrifying than that?!”

“It could be naked.” Dan responded, holding up an index finger.

One of Chris’s eye’s twitched. “Ew…”

Pinkie wrapped her arms around herself and shuttered. “Yeah, that would be way too much beholdening for me!” She insisted.

“Look! Do any of you care that a brave man was just killed?!” Don demanded.

“Kay-air?” Dan said, trying to process the foreign sounding word.

“That thing you feel about Pinkie and Mr. Mumbles…and occasionally me.” Chris said.

“Oh…well…” Dan thought about this for a moment. “Colby was dreamy, but somehow dumber than all three of you…so ‘no’.”

“Also, he wasn’t so much ‘brave’ as incredibly stupid.” Pinkie said.

“Don’t forget, ‘sexist’.” Elise added.

Pinkie nodded. “That, too. But I mean, we were all going to run out there at one point. Colby was told he shouldn’t and did it anyway.”

“Juni…Elise.” Elise Sr. began. “You must have felt something for the man.”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “You mean besides absolute contempt that he was an accessory to attempted murder of my husband?”

Elise Sr. threw her hands out and turned palms and eyes towards the ceiling, “Oh sure, you bring that up!”

“Mom, Colby was an egotistical jerk when I dated him and an even worse egotistical jerk when he became accomplished! Why do you think I broke up with him?”

Elise Sr. and Don looked at each other. “We assumed you did it to irritate us, honestly.” Don stated.

“Seriously?! Even my breaking up with someone has to be about you two?!” Elise exclaimed in a shocked tone.

“Wow…you two have perfected being terrible…” Pinkie stated.

“I think even I’m appalled!” Dan stated. “And I once set Pinkie’s photo album on fire in front of her just because she painted and bedazzled my car.”

“Aww…” Pinkie smiled and put a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “But you made up for it.”

“You also almost killed me in mortal combat.” Chris reminded, irritably.

“What!” Dan protested. “I stopped!”

Pinkie put an index finger up to her chin. “Which technically places you above Elise’s parents.”

Elise Sr. and Don looked at each other contemplatively and looked back at their daughter.

“Elise,” Elise Sr. began, “is it too late to say ‘We’re sorry’?”

“For attempting to take total control of my life to the point where you almost get my husband killed? I would say so!” Elise replied angrily. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to face Pinkie.

“Elise…it’s never too late.” Pinkie stated as she locked her sky-blue eyes with Elise’s violet ones.

Elise sighed out a “Fine.”

Don and Elise Sr. opened their arms towards their daughter.

Elise sighed and walked into their warm embrace.

Elise Sr. looked up to Chris. “You too, son.”

Chris narrowed his eyes, “Why is it when I don’t want to hug either of you two, you finally open up to me?” Chris felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to face Pinkie.

“Chris…please?” Pinkie asked, a slight tone of pleading in her voice.

“Oh, alright…” Chris said, as he hesitantly walked over to Elise and her parent’s and joining in on the group hug.

Pinkie turned to Dan. “Isn’t that sweet? You almost forget they’re horrible, horrible people!” Pinkie said enthusiastically, motioning to Don and Elise Sr.

“Blech, this mushy stuff just churns my stomach.” Dan stated.

With a feral roar from outside, a loose collection of a human skeletal system was thrown into the cabin through the broken window and landed on the hardwood floor scattering bones everywhere.

“Oh, yeaaaah.” Dan mused looking at the bones. “There’s a flesh hungry monster outside, still.”

“Ooo! Free Nightmare Night decorations!” Pinkie stated.

“Pinkie, stop being an idiot.” Dan commanded. “It’s called ‘Halloween’, here.”

“Oh, right! Silly me!” Pinkie said with a smile, rubbing the back of her head.

The four in the group hug broke their embrace to examine Colby’s scattered, skeletal remains.

Chris looked up towards Pinkie. “Uh, Pinkie? People usually bury remains and have funerals.”

Dan clapped his hands and rubbed his palms together. “Corpse party! Alright!” He said with a smile.

“You can’t spell funeral without ‘fun’!” Pinkie pointed out enthusiastically.

Don turned to Chris and Elise. “How do you figure out if they’re joking or not?” He asked.

Elise looked back to her dad. “Chris and I gave up on that quite some time ago.” She admitted.

“You ready to celebrate your untimely demise, Colby?” Pinkie said.

The four turned to see that Pinkie had fetched Colby’s skull and was holding it up in one of her hands.

Pinkie worked Colby’s jaw up and down, talking through the skull as if it were a puppet “Sure, Pinkie! No dancing though, I have nobody to dance with.”

Dan chuckled. “Isn’t she precious?” He asked, patting Pinkie on her head as she smiled back at him.

“This is all very funny and incredibly disturbing,” Elise Sr. stated, “but shouldn’t we do something about the giant monster outside?”

Chris began laughing.

“Uh, Chris?” Elise asked.

“No body…hehehe…” Chris uttered.

Pinkie grinned. “Maybe we can play some music, I bet Colby’s really good at the trombone!”

Chris broke into a fit of laughter. “Pfffthahahahaha…Stop, you…hahahaha…you’re killing me!”

“At least she can’t kill Colby,” Dan pointed out, “he’s already dead!” He said with a smile.

Chris closed his eyes. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Chris laughter increased as tears started to stream down his face.

Don glared at Pinkie and Dan. “I bet you two think that’s cool…” He muttered in a fraternal, disappointed tone.

Elise chuckled. “I thought it was funny.”

“Hey! Everyone! Giant monster! Outside! Wants to eat us!” Elise Sr. stated, waving her hands back and forth in front of her to get everyone’s attention.

“Oh…right!” Pinkie said, setting Colby’s skull on the couch. She turned to Dan. “Shall we run through the list?”

Elise raised an eyebrow as Chris attempted to get a lid on his laughter.

“List?” She asked.

Dan smiled. “Pinkie and I have a list of options we go through when faced with a situation. Like a giant, radioactive monster attack or a long line at the supermarket.” He explained, motioning out with an upturned hand.

Chris stopped laughing. “Why do you have the same list for both those things?” He asked in a pensive tone.

Dan turned to Pinkie. “A.”

“Colby tried that. He got eaten.” She pointed out.

Dan pulled his lips to the side of his face. “B.” He continued.

“We didn’t bring the suits…or a hive.”

Dan quickly glanced at the ceiling. “C?”

Mr. Mumbles trotted out of Dan and Pinkie’s bedroom and began hissing.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Do you really want to throw Mr. Mumbles out there?”

“Good point.” Dan replied. “D.”

“Did you bring any dogs?” Pinkie asked, raising her eyebrows.

Dan frowned. “No.” His frown quickly changed to a smile. “E?”

Pinkie smiled nervously. “Oooooo…I used the last of the dynamite on the snow fortress…”

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes. “F.” He said irritably.

“Yay!” Pinkie said as she smiled and clapped her hands together. “F! I chose F!”

Dan brought a palm up to his face with an audible ‘Slap’.

“What’s F?” Chris asked.

Dan mumbled something inaudible.

“What?” Chris said, moving closer to Dan.

“F is friendship, okay?!” Dan replied irritably.

“I’m surprised it’s not fire.” Elise commented.

Dan sighed. “Pinkie won the coin toss.”

“Wait,” Don began, “are you suggesting we try to make friends with that thing?!” Don exclaimed in a shocked tone.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Pinkie said waving a hand back and forth in front of her. “We need to make friends with each other!” Pinkie responded cheerfully.

Don paused. “I think I’d rather make friends with the monster.”

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “Works for me.”

“Hey!” Don replied angrily.

“It was your idea!” Pinkie pointed out.

“Yeah, but…” Don began.

“Dad, stop being a jerk to her. She’s trying to help.” Elise pointed out.

“But she’s just so…weird!” Don pointed out.

Don felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to face his wife. “Don, she convince Elise to forgive…”

“Not throw you both in prison.” Elise corrected, raising an eyebrow. “Provided you behave.” She added.

Elise Sr. sighed. “She convinced Elise to not turn us in for attempted murder. You can at least apologize to the girl.”

“But…” Don began to protest.

“Don.” Elise Sr. responded in a warning tone.

Don sighed. “Oh, all right.” He turned to Pinkie. “I’m…sorry I’ve been giving you such a hard time this trip…” He said, avoiding Pinkie’s gaze.

Pinkie smiled. “Forgiven!” She replied closing her eyes. She opened her eyes and turned to Elise Sr.

Elise Sr. looked surprised and pointed to herself. “Me?!” She exclaimed.

“Mom, you could have been nicer to Pinkie as well.” Elise replied.

Elise Sr. looked at her daughter and scrunched her lips to the side of her mouth considering this. “You’re right, JunElise. I could have been nicer.” She turned to Pinkie. “Pinkie dear, I’m sorry.”

“Ahhh, that’s okay.” Pinkie replied. She looked over the group. “Okay, now that we’re all friends…”

Chris held up an index finger. “Abstaining from murdering each other on the spot.” He corrected.

“I’ll take it!” Pinkie replied excitedly pointing at Chris. She revised her earlier statement. “Now that we all tolerate each other enough not to kill each other, let’s show the monster we’re getting along and it will leave us in peace!”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “What kind of idiotic logic is that?!”

“Well, where I’m from it would work!” Pinkie insisted.

“You may have notice the thing out there is not a”—Dan air quoted—“’snowy horsie’, and is, in fact, a fifteen foot tall monster with a great deal of the real-estate in its head devoted to eating.”

“Come on, Dan!” Pinkie said optimistically. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Dan motioned to the scattered bones on the floor.

Pinkie pursed her lips. “It’s okay!” She insisted. “We can show it from up here!”

Dan frowned. “I guess that’s okay…”

“Great!” Pinkie exclaimed, setting her tea on the windowsill. “Everyone join hands!”

Dan, Chris, and Elise also sat their teas down.

“We’re all going to dieeee.” Don mumbled in a soft sing-song tone.

“Hush you! You’ll scare the friendship vibes away!” Pinkie insisted.

Dan grabbed Pinkie’s right hand, Chris her left. Elise grabbed Chris’s other hand and then her mother’s. Elise Sr. grabbed her husband’s hand.

“Now what?” Dan asked.

Pinkie beamed. “Now we sing the Friendship Song!”

“Uhhh…” Dan began.

Pinkie immediately broke into verse.

“Ooooh, making friends is the goal.”

“Friend will never leave you in a hole.”

“So, if you would like to leave this place,”

“and you don’t want to vanish without a trace,”

“you’ll listen up and take my advice.”

“You’ll all get along and start playing nice.”

“This is stupid…” Don muttered.

“Shhh…” Elise Sr. shushed her husband. “Something about this song speaks to me.”

“By nice to people you meet in cafeterias,”

“don’t send your daughter’s husband out to Siberia…Come on, everyone! You know the words!”

“Uhhhh…something, something, something friends.” Dan sang.

“Um, Friends will help you if you have the bends.” Chris added.

“And they’d let enrolled in dance!” Elise sang, shooting a look at her parents.

“They wouldn’t call the police on you even if they had the chance!” Elise Sr. sang, looking back at her daughter.

“…”

“Come on, Don!” Pinkie said with big smile, swinging Dan’s and Chris’s arms in the air.

“I’m not doing this.” Don declared.

“Ohhhh…Don wants to be eaten by a Wendigo.” Pinkie sang.

Don glared at her. “When this doesn’t work, I’ll enjoy watching you eat crow.” Don said.

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Good.”

“Wait, what?” Don said.

Dan looked across the group to Don. “You rhymed…sorta.”

“Yeah, even if it wasn’t a very good rhyme.” Chris said.

“I didn’t mean to.” Don insisted.

“Lookie, lookie!” Pinkie said pointing out at the Wendigo.

The group looked out towards the Wendigo. Blood was caked around its mouth; its beard; its slender, dagger like hands; and even its tight chest fur and skin that hugged its visible rib cage. Yet, it had stopped growling, or doing much of anything. Instead it simply sat and stared into the broken window.

“I think it worked!” Pinkie said excitedly.

“I think it thinks we’re a bunch of morons, because that’s also what I think.” Dan replied.

“Come on, Dan! Let’s go out there and show it what great…acquaintances we all are!” She insisted.

Dan sighed and walked to the door as Pinkie and everyone else followed, holding hands. He opened the door and walked out to the edge of the porch as everyone trailed behind him.

The Wendigo stared at them and made a confused growling sound.

“See!” Pinkie stated. “We just needed to get along!” Pinkie said triumphantly.

“Uhhh…Why is it still here, then?” Chris asked,

“Oh…I don’t know!” Pinkie stated. She smiled. “Maybe it needs a friend, too!”

“Uh, Pinkie? That sounds like a horrifically bad idea.” Dan said.

“Yeaaaaah, I agree with Dan on this.” Chris stated.

“Ah, come on!” Pinkie said, letting go of Chris’s hand and motioning to herself. “I’m a great judge of character!” She insisted.

“Yeah, you live with Dan.” Elise Sr. said in a sarcastic tone.

Don chuckled.

“Hey!” Dan protested. He let go of Pinkie hand and pointed to himself. “I’m awesome!” He declared.

Elise’s eyes went wide, “Uh, Dan?”

“What?!” Dan exclaimed.

Elise pointed out towards the Wendigo.

Dan turned. “Pinkie! What the heck are you doing?!” He called in alarm.

Pinkie had walked off the porch and was now standing next to the Wendigo which was staring down at her with a blank expression.

“What do you say, Mr. Cannibalistic beasty? Do you need a friend?” Pinkie asked as she cocked her head. She smiled and reached out for one of the Wendigo’s large, slender fingers.

‘SWAT’

The Wendigo quickly shifted its hand and the back of it slammed into Pinkie, her body flew through the air, and into the cabin through the broken window.

‘CRASH’ ‘Thump’

The loud sound of Pinkie impacting with the cabin wall was heard followed by her hitting the floor.

“Pinkie!” Dan, Elise, and Chris called out, all running back inside.

“I’m ooooookaaaaay!” Pinkie replied. “Dan could you be a dear and pop my shoulder back into place?..And also pull the dear antler out of my thigh?”

Dan ran up to his injured roommate, a bump protruded from her left shoulder and one of the large, elk trophies sat on the floor, a couple inches of one of its points buried into Pinkie’s right thigh.  Blood poured out of her nose and the skin around one of her eyes was turning black.

“Pinkie?” Dan said softly.

“Yes, Dans?” Pinkie replied, her head lolling around and her eyes unfocused.

“Out of the stupid things you’ve done, that was by far the stupidest.”

Pinkie sighed. “I know, Dans.”

Elise ran up with some medical supplies and a wet rag. “Here Pinkie, clean your face with this.” Elise said, handing the rag to Pinkie.

“Thanks Elises, you’re truAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” Pinkie shrieked.

“Sorry, Pinkie. I needed to get that antler out of you and get that puncture wound treated.” Elise explained.

Pinkie took a few shallow breaths. “That’s okay, I just wish youAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

“Oh, pipe down.” Dan ordered. “The quicker your shoulder is popped back into place, the better.”

Pinkie whimpered. “You two are great friends.” She said through gritted teeth. “Great, painful, painful friends.”

“Here.” Chris handed an icepack to Pinkie. “Put this on your eye.”

Pinkie winced. “No pulling anything out of me or popping anything back into place, please!”

Chris smiled. “I’ll try to contain myself.”

Pinkie tentatively grabbed the ice pack and placed it over her black eye.

“Thanks, Chris. That was very thoughAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Sorry Pinkie, but that wound needed to be disinfected.” Elise stated, as she capped a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

“STOP BEING PAINFUL BEST FRIENDS!” Pinkie pleaded of Elise and Dan.

“Well, that was a complete waste of time.” Don commented.

Pinkie frowned.

Dan leveled an angry glare at Don, and opened his mouth, but Chris was on his feet and approaching Don before he could say anything.

“Hey! Leave her alone, at least she tried something!” Chris insisted.

“So? Colby tried something, and none of you showed him any concern!” Don countered.

“He helped try to kill me!” Chris reminded. He leveled an angry index finger at Don. “You tried to kill me!”

“Yeah, well, and now Colby’s dead, but at least he died like a man!” Don exclaimed.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “By having his throat ripped out?”

“NO!” Don shouted. “He died trying to protect his family.” He turned back to Chris. “All you’ve done is sit here and look stupid!”

Pinkie looked at Elise. “Did…did your dad already forget Chris was going to run out to save you?”

Elise sighed. “Seems that way…”

Chris’s eyes narrowed. “It’s not like you’ve done anything, except get saved, beaten up by your daughter, and complain about everything.”

“Both of you, stop!” Elise Sr. ordered. “This isn’t getting us anywhere!”

“Maybe we should try the friendship song, again!” Pinkie suggested joyfully.

“SHUT UP!” Everyone else commanded.

“Or quiet…quiet’s good…” Pinkie offered meekly.

“Look!” Dan said sternly. “There’s only two ways to get rid of a Wendigo spirit!”

Pinkie smiled.

“And, no, friendship is not one of them.”

Pinkie whimpered softly and pouted as Elise wrapped Pinkie’s leg in gauze.

“Alright, Dan. What do we do?” Chris asked.

“First, we can exorcise it.” Dan stated.

Elise knitted her brow. “How do we do that?”

“First, we hold the afflicted down…” Dan began.

The group looked out at the fifteen foot tall, grotesque beast that stared back at them with glowing, hungry eyes. A steady stream of drool dripped out of the side of its mouth as its large tongue dangled out from the collection of razor sharp teeth.

“Yeah…that’s not happening.” Elise replied.

“Okay, well, we can also pour boiling fat down the aflicted’s throat to thaw the Wendigo’s icy heart.” Dan said.

“Great idea!” Elise Sr. said rolling her eyes. “We’ll just hand it a big pot of boiling fat and ask it to drink up!”

Dan tapped his chin with an index finger and looked towards the ceiling. “Yeah, admittedly this would be easier if Colby didn’t feed himself to the thing.”

Elise sighed. “I guess it’s better than sitting and here and waiting to freeze to death when we run out of firewood.”

Dan looked at Chris. “Chris! We’ll need to cook all the bacon you have!”

“But, I need that bacon…for eating!” Chris protested.

“Look, unless you have several gallons of lard just laying…”

Chris walked over to the kitchen and opened one of cupboards, revealing a large tub of lard.

Everyone paused and looked at Chris.

“What?” Chris asked. “What else am I supposed to fry the bacon in?”

Dan smiled. “Chris, for once your disgusting habits might just save us all.”

*Four pounds of cold lard turned boiling later.*

Elise dipped a ladle into the boiling, white liquid. She took it out and carefully poured the contents into a stainless steel canteen with a green cloth buttoned up around it. She quickly screwed the lid of the canteen close. “I’m not sure how long this will stay hot.” She commented. She turned to the occupants of the cabin. “Everyone ready?”

“Ready!” Pinkie and Dan replied. Pinkie held up her chainsaw. Dan held up a machete.

Don turned to Dan and Pinkie. “I can’t believe you two actually had a badminton racket and birdy.” He said, holding those things he just mentioned in that sentence you just read.

“Yeah…” Dan replied. “Terror at Badminton Sorority Camp is a pretty strange movie…”

“Elise,” Elise Sr. began, “You wouldn’t happen to have another gun on you, would you?”

Elise bent down and reached around her ankle, producing a small, boxy pistol and handing it to her mother.

Elise Sr. gripped the weapon and examined it, turning off the safety as she kept her hand off the trigger. “This will do.”

“Hey, Pinkie.” Dan said in a serious tone.

Pinkie looked towards her roommate. “Yes, Dan?”

“In case…in case we don’t make it. There’s something I need to tell you...” Dan said, trailing off.

Everyone else paused and looked at the short man in a black ‘JERK’ shirt and the taller woman in the pink parka.

“There’s…there’s something I need to tell you, too…” Pinkie said softly.

Dan held his machete at his side and walked closer to Pinkie.

Pinkie held her chainsaw at her side and closed the distance further.

The two looked deeply into each other’s eyes. Sky-blue eyes meeting green eyes in the soft light of the cabin.

“Pinkie I…I…” Dan swallowed. “…I threw the last cupcake at a moose because it looked at me stupid.”

Pinkie smiled. “That’s okay, I ate the last lactose-free brownie.” She admitted.

Dan smiled and held his arms out. “Bestest buddies forever?” He asked.

Pinkie’s smile widened as she also held open her arms and gave her roommate, a big, snuggly, hug. “Bestest buddies forever!” She answered.

“OH, COME ON!” Elise shouted.

Dan and Pinkie turned to her.

“What?” Pinkie asked.

Elise sighed. “Nothing…” She muttered.

“Alright!” Dan said resolutely, as he let go of Pinkie. “Now that the mushy stuff is over, all we need is someone stupid enough to serve as a distraction as we attack that thing and force it to drink boiling fat.” Dan stated, looking from side to side. Dan frowned.

Elise began to look around frantically. “Where’s Chris!?”

Suddenly, the blue sedan roared to life, and its headlight shot into the darkness like a large, slumbering creature that had just awoken.

“Oh no…” Elise murmured.

The Wendigo howled as the blue sedan turned onto the road and sped down the icy path. The shambling beast gave chase.

“WE HAVE TO HELP HIM!” Elise shouted.

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Well, du’h!” She answered.

“OR,” Don interjected. “We can get in the RV and use Chris’s sacrifice to get away!”

“Oooo! Oooo! Or I could chop off Don’s legs with this chainsaw and we can let the monster eat him while we get away!” Pinkie replied.

“Uhhh…” Don trailed off and looked at the smiling girl with the long, pink curls and large, red chainsaw.

“She’d do it, too!” Dan assured.

“On second thought, let’s go save my son-in-law!” Don said, attempting to sound heroic.

“Yay!” Pinkie replied.

*

Headlights pierced the night, revealing a white pathway with large, evergreen trees on either side that jutted into the sky like long, jagged spears. Chris drove the car over the icy road, the wheels constantly losing traction on the surface as he picked up speed.

He glanced into the rearview mirror and smiled as he saw the thin, giant beast close on his tail. His smile changed to panic as the car hit a large patch of ice and began fishtailing. Chris attempted to regain control of the vehicle, but the road curved and the car came to a rather sudden stop as the passenger side had a rendezvous with a large tree trunk.

Chris felt himself jerk forward suddenly, then was pulled back into his seat by his seatbelt. Metal screamed as it bent under pressure. The windshield cracked. The passenger side window shattered and showered Chris in tiny jewels of glass that cut at his skin.

Chris looked up into the rearview mirror as a he heard a deep, blood curdling roar.

The beast was almost to the car.

I guess this is as far as I go…

The beast reached over and grabbed the driver’s side door, scythe like fingers digging into and through the thin metal and crushing it like a soda can.

Chris grinned to himself as he felt the hair on his skin change to fur and the muscles in his body expand.

“Alright, monster. You want a fight? Let’s get feral.”

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 39 Chris Vs. Wendigo

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Chapter 39 Chris Vs. Wendigo

****

 The hinges on the car door bent and twisted, the window exploded into tiny glass fragments. The Wendigo pulled and soon the door, or what was once the door, was no longer attached to the blue sedan. It tossed the crumbled and warped piece of metal away, and the mass of metal hit a tree with a loud ‘CRUNCH’.

The Wendigo reached its, thin, claw like appendage into the car, expecting to tear into soft, human flesh. Instead, it recoiled and roared in alarm as it felt something sharp clamped down around a finger.

Before it had time to react, a large, brown and blue bulk flung itself from the exposed driver seat and slammed into the Wendigo’s emaciated chest, knocking it to the ground.

With a feral roar, a bear wearing blue, torn and shredded one piece pajamas dug its teeth into the left shoulder of the beast and began raking its claws across the monsters chest, causing lines of shallow lacerations that turned brown fur red with every swipe.

The Wendigo raised both its hands and wrapped several feet long, thin, fingers around the bear’s torso, digging into pajamas, fur, and flesh. In one swift movement, it lifted and flung the bear away from it.

The bear quickly hit the ground and tumbled through the loose snow. It rolled as the Wendigo raised to its full height, towering over the quadruped.

Woozily, the bear stood on its four paws and shook itself, flinging snow in all directions. It roared and charged its towering target, large paws dug into snow and flung it behind it as it hastened into an angry mass of bared teeth and brown fur that shifting and flied as it picked up speed.

 The Wendigo leaned its head down, threw its arms back, and thundered at the charging bear with a noise the pierced the night and stopped the bear dead in its tracks, mere inches from the beast’s blood caked face.

Stunned, the bear leaned forward and sunk its teeth into the Wendigo’s nose.

The lanky beast howled in pain as blood gushed from its face, it reared its head back and raked a massive claw against the bears flank.

The bloodied bear snarled and lunged forward, digging both teeth and claws into the thin leg of the Wendigo.

The monster kicked its leg out, shaking the bear loose. It swatted its large hand downwards clocking the bear, hard, against its head.

The bear stumbled as it shook its head. It looked up and attempted to focus its eyes as two large hands descended and sharp claws dug into its fur and skin.

With a frustrated roar, the Wendigo picked the bear off the ground, and threw it towards the tree line.

Once again, the bear went flying. This time a large, unforgiving tree stopped its flight with an audible ‘CRACK’. It slid and slumped into the snow as its eyes began to close.

No.

Not yet.

I have fight. I have to keep everyone safe.

Pain shot through Chris’s body, his left foreleg hung limply from his shoulder. Wearily, he put weight onto his right foreleg and stood up as best he could. He lifted his head and looked on as the blurry mass of the Wendigo approached him. Before he could react, he felt a sharp pain in his side as a talon dug deeply into his muscles. He bellowed in pain and growled softly as a dark maw lined with sharp teeth drew nearer.

‘CLACK’, ‘CLACK’, ‘CLACK’

As soon as the sound of gunfire was heard the monster reeled back as it felt tiny pricks of pain shoot deeply into its back.

‘CLACK’, ‘CLACK’, ‘CLACK’

The Wendigo turned as five figures speed towards it in the darkness. Flashes of light emanated briefly from two slender figured leading the pack as the sound of gunfire rang out and the feeling of pain began to pierce its chest.

“GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!” Elise demanded, coming to a halt.

The Wendigo complied, turning from its downed foe and howling at the approaching group.

“Elise! I need a reload!” Elise Sr. called out.

Elise reached down to her belt and quickly unbuttoned a couple of pouches. She grabbed a small, rectangular clip and tossed it to her mother, and grabbed a slightly longer one for herself.

The Wendigo began closing the distance, large, thin, reptilian feet stomping through snow as the yards between the beast and group quickly dwindled.

Pinkie paused long enough to raise her chainsaw to her face, grip the starter in her teeth, and pull back with her head as she pulled her arms forward. The chainsaw roared to life.

‘BRRRRRRRRRRNNNNnnnnNNNNnnnnNNNnnnn’

“GO, TEAM STUPID!” Dan yelled, thrusting his machete into the sky, he and Pinkie charged the quickly approaching beast.

“Hey, UGLY!” Don called out, throwing a white shuttlecock into the sky. He smirked. “Keep your eye on the birdie.” In a flash of movement he swung his badminton racket and hit the badminton bird towards the beast’s face.

The beast raised its claws, ready to swipe them down on the short man and pink haired girl that were quickly entering its field of reach. It barely had time to glance up as a white blur slammed into its left eye, shooting searing pain as it impacted into the soft optical organ.

As Pinkie approached the beast, she swung her chainsaw up diagonally, carving into flesh as the speedy chain tore into the beast’s lower abdomen.

Painful roars emanated from the beast as Dan ran past Pinkie, and extended a leg out; kicking up snow, and sliding to a halt behind the creature’s legs. He swung his machete backwards and it cut into the Wendigo’s Achilles tendon.

The lumbering beast frantically rubbed its eye, trying to dislodge the foreign object from its socket. A task that quickly became more difficult as more shots rang out and more pain shot through its chest and arm.

Dan ran between the beast’s legs, swinging his machete against the Wendigo’s second Achilles tendon and cutting deeply into the back of its long, thin ankle.

The monster fell backwards onto the road, finding both its legs where no longer suitable for bearing its considerable weight.

“Elise! The canteen!” Dan called out.

Elise reached for the item as it dangled on her belt loop, held in place by a large metal snap hook. She quickly unclasped the hook, grabbed the canteen by the green wrapping and tossed it towards Dan who caught it and turned to the downed beast. He ran to its side and began clambering onto its torso, crawling on his hands and knees over thin, blood-soaked fur.

The Wendigo looked up and stared at Dan with a single glowing eye, the other slammed shut and twitching.

Dan gulped as he inhaled air that smelled reminiscent of a decaying corpse and unscrewed the lid to the canteen.

Reallyshould have thought this one through a little better…

Thin shadows enveloped Dan as the monster’s long, thin fingers ending in jagged, sharp nails quickly descended towards him.

Through the corner of his eye, Dan could see metal catch the light of the moon, and a blur of red and pink.

‘BRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN’

The monster howled in agony as a chainsaw was plunged deep into its chest.

Pinkie gritted her teeth and forced her weight onto the saw as blood and bits of the best flew out of the wound she was busily carving. She felt her chainsaw dig deep then impact something hard.

“DAN!” She shouted, removing her chainsaw. “Pour the canteen into the wound! I think I hit its heart!” She shouted.

Dan dove forward and turned the canteen upside down. White liquid streamed out of it and it steamed as it came into contact with the bone-chilling night air. The Viscous liquid fell into the fresh wound and the beast howled in pain and swung its arms wildly.

The next thing Dan knew, he felt something slam, hard, against his chest. Before he had to time to process this new searing pain in his torso, it was quickly joined by a sharp pain in the back of his head as a tree quickly brought a halt to his unscheduled flight. He slid down the tree into the loose snow below.

“Dan!? Dan!? Are you alright?!” Pinkie asked in a panicked tone.

Dan blearily looked up as a hazy pink and red shape approached him.  “Boy, do I feel stupid.” He replied.

Pinkie smiled, set down her chainsaw, and leaned down to embrace her roommate. She quietly whispered, “I thought I lost you there, for a second,” into his ear.

Dan chuckled softly. “Heh, you really thought you’d be rid of me that easily?” He replied as a grin spread across his face and he returned the hug.

Pinkie pulled back just enough to lock eyes with Dan. He stared past the gore and black shiner on her face and quickly found himself lost in the sky of Pinkie’s large, beautiful, blue eyes.

“Never.” Pinkie Pie murmured as the moonlight shined against her blood-spattered face and long pink curls.

Pinkie and Dan closed their eyes as they pursed their lips.

Pinkie tilted her head slightly, leaned in, and…

“RRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Dan and Pinkie covered their ears and bent their heads down; trying to block the ear shattering noise of the Wendigo, and ending up slamming their foreheads against each other’s.

“OWW!” Dan exclaimed.

“Owie!” Pinkie replied.

The two looked out towards the Wendigo.

Elise, her mother, and her father were likewise covering their ears.

Thick white smoke billowed out of the beast’s mouth and the large hole in its chest, flying up into the lightening sky into a single, massive, dingy cloud. The cloud traveling as a stream deep into the dark wilderness, away from the cabin and group.

As the smoke departed, the body of the beast shrank back down to the form of a laceration covered, blood-soaked, bearded man wearing a pair of equally blood-soaked, tattered trousers; A large, gaping cut was still In his chest at his heart and a white badminton birdie was lodged in his left ocular cavity.

“Looks like we won.” Pinkie announced with a smile. She stood up as she rubbed her forehead. She reached out a hand to help Dan to his feet. Pink nail polish peeking out under the blood on the fingertips.

“I’ll try to contain myself.” Dan replied grumpily. He took Pinkie’s slender hand and stood up, quickly falling against Pinkie for support as he found balance and focusing were currently not his strong suites.

Pinkie wrapped an arm around his torso and began walking with Dan towards the group as he rested an arm over her shoulders. Pinkie reached up to hold the hand now resting on her shoulder to make sure Dan stayed upright.

Pinkie giggled. “You’re heavy.” She stated cheerfully.

“Yeah, yeah…” Dan replied irritably as the two continued walking, Pinkie limping slightly and favoring her uninjured leg.

“CHRIS!” Elise shouting running towards the barely conscious bear in bloody, torn, blue pajamas.

The bear merely grunted in reply as it rested on the ground.

“Is that a bear wearing pajamas?!” Don exclaimed.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Don as she and Dan approached. “By Celestia, you’re an idiot.” She stated.

“Oooooo!” Dan exclaimed. “Intelligence insulted by Pinkie Pie!” He stated with a grin. “Should we set up a bed in the burn ward?”

Don shot the two a quick glare, and turned away, crossing his arms.

Elise sat down and picked up the bear’s head, resting it on her lap as she slid her legs under it. She began stroking it. “It’s okay…” She whispered. “We’re safe now.” Tears began to form in her eyes. “Come back to me, sweetie.”

The body of the bear shrank to that of a tall, brown haired man, laying with his stomach on the snow.

Elise reached over and rotated her husband so he was staring up at her from her lap. “Hey, honey.” Chris said weakly. “Is everyone safe?” He asked.

Elise smiled. “Chris,” She began. “You are a stupid, idiotic, goofy, courageous, brave man, and yes. Everyone is safe.” Elise leaned her head down to kiss her husband passionately.

“Awwww…” Pinkie cooed.

“This mushy stuff still churns my stomach!” Dan protested.

“BLECH!” Elise exclaimed as she brought her head back up and began wiping her lips as if trying to get the taste of something out of her mouth.

“Yeaaaah…” Chris began. “I kind of bit into that thing a number of times…” He admitted. “I could really go for some bacon…or anything to get the taste out of my mouth.”

Pinkie giggled. “Chris, may I be the first to say that those are some incredibly manly pajamas you’re wearing.” She stated.

“The bloody battle wounds really highlight your manly features.” Dan added with a smile. “Like…your bloody battle wounds.”

“Thanks guys. But I think I could use some manly bandages and a masculine sling for my broken arm.” Chris replied with a weak smile.

“Is no one going to address the fact that Chris turned into a bear?!” Elise Sr. exclaimed, motioned towards Chris.

Dan turned to her. “What? Chris is one sixteenth Canadian.” He explained.

“Since when does ‘being Canadian’ mean you can transform into a bear?!” Elise Sr. asked in an agitated, confused tone.

“Since, forever?! I don’t know!” Dan responded irritably. “I’m not a Canadatologist!”

“Hey guys.” Chris called out. “Can we talk about this later? I’d sorta like to go inside and warm up…and stop the bleeding.”

“Aww,” Pinkie said. “But it’s such manly bleeding.”

“Alright, already!” Don said with mild irritation in his voice. “I get it. Turning into a bear and fighting a fifteen foot tall monster is really, really manly.”

Elise helped her unsteady husband get to his feet.

Don walked over and extended a hand out to Chris, smiling meekly. “Put it there, son.”

Chris returned the meek smile and extended a hand and collapsed into Don as Elise pushed Chris into her father.

Surprised, Don quickly got a hold of Chris and held him up.

“Hey!” Don and Chris protested.

Elise smiled. “Sorry guys. Dad, can you hold him for me for a little bit?” Elise glanced to Hiram and walked over to the car. She pulled the key from the ignition, and walked around to the trunk, opened it, and pulled out a large, metal cylinder with a handle attacked to its top. “Pinkie, can I borrow your chainsaw?” Elise asked.

“Sure, Elise!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

“Great! Thanks.” Elise responded.

Soon she was positioned over Hiram, the saw chain positioned over his neck.

“Oooo, watcha doing?” Pinkie enquired.

Elise smirked slyly. “Getting a Halloween decoration.”

*A round of bandages, disinfectant, and boarding up a broken window later.*

“Are you sure you don’t need to go to the hospital?” Elise asked her husband as he stared up at her from her lap.

Chris grinned. “I think I’m happier here…” He replied. “And none of my organs appear to be failing, so that’s good.” He added. The coupled enjoyed the couch to themselves. Chris’s bandaged body sprawled over it.

Elise looked across the room to Dan. “How about you.”

Dan looked over from the loveseat, or specifically, Pinkie’s lap which also occupied the loveseat. “I think I’m good.” He replied, his eyes still a bit unfocused. “I think the room is starting to spin at a much slower pace, now…” He added, as he stroked Mr. Mumbles who was curled up on his chest.

Pinkie looked down at Dan and smiled as she absentmindedly ran her fingers through his hair. “You know, I’m pretty sure this isn’t even the most injuries we’ve gotten in an adventure.”

Chris sighed. “Yeaaaaaah…” He said in agreement.

Dan looked up at Pinkie. “Feel better?” He asked.

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “I’m settling for no one being dead at the moment.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “What about Colby?”

“Oh, right.” Pinkie said, blinking a few times. “Make that anyone who matters not being dead.” Pinkie replied.

The cabin door opened and Don and Elise Sr. entered.

“Alright, everyone.” Elise Sr. said enthusiastically. “A tow truck and a rental SUV will be here tomorrow to get everyone on their way.”

“Let’s hope none of the drivers get possessed by that Wendigo spirit…” Dan mumbled.

Pinkie grinned. “Pretty sure the glowing eyes will be a bit of a giveaway.”

Dan smiled. “I’ll need you to punch them if they’re wearing sunglasses.”

Pinkie giggled. “Of course! Safety first.”

“I also have a surprise I brought up from the cellar.” Don added. He went back outside and carried a large barrel into the cabin.

Pinkie gasped and sat up suddenly.

‘THUMP’

“MERROW!”

“Ow!” Dan stated.

Pinkie looked down. “Ooops…sorry Dan.”

“That’s okay.” Dan replied irritably. “This way the front of my head will match the back, and now Mr. Mumbles gets to join the pain club as well…”

“Merrrrooooow…” Mr. Mumbles mewed, forepaws sticking out from under Dan’s stomach.

Pinkie looked up at Don. “Please tell me that’s what I think it is.”

“That depends, do you think it’s a barrel full of home brewed apple cider?” Don asked with a smile.

“YES!” Pinkie said enthusiastically throwing her hands into the air.

Don grinned. “Alright, I’ll get some mugs and we’ll really get this party started.”

Pinkie grinned mischievously. “Hey Don, betcha can’t drink more than me~!” She sang out.

Don looked up at her. “…You’re serious?” He asked in a surprised tone.

“Come on! We can double our bet. Winner takes all!”  Pinkie said enthusiastically.

Don chuckled. “Heh, I thought you’d forgotten about that.”

Pinkie shook her head. “No way! You’re not getting off that easily!” She informed.

“Alright, little lady, you’re on!” Don stated with a grin.

Dan and Mr. Mumbles clambered back onto the loveseat and watched with interest as Don lifted the barrel up onto the table and began preparation.

Elise chuckled. “Is this safe?”

Dan turned back to look at Elise. “For whom exactly?”

“Pinkie.” Elise replied. “My dad can really put away the cider.” Elise explained.

 “Oh, he can, can he? Fifty bucks on Pinkie.” Dan said smiling.

“Alright, Dan. You’re on.” Elise replied matching the smile.

Dan turned back to Don and Pinkie. Pinkie was eagerly hopping up and down on her good leg as she held an empty mug.

“Honestly,” Dan said, “I’d imagine having the Wendigo in here would be safer than an inebriated Pinkie.”

***

‘BUZZZZZZ’, ‘BUZZZZZZ’, ‘BUZZZZZZ’

A large, blue, bloodshot eye opened to glare angrily at an alarm clock sitting on a nightstand.

A slender hand, with pink nail polish shot out from under a thick comforter, grabbed the alarm clock, and threw it through a closed window.

‘SHATTER’

The alarm clock flew through the sky towards a tree, where it was quickly caught by a squirrel.

“SQUEAK!”

…In the sense that the clock clocked the squirrel in the head and sent it diving towards the snow below.

Pinkie grumbled irritably as the sunlight stabbed into her eyes, compounding the pain of her splitting headache.

“Morning, sleepy head.” Dan sang out from behind her.

“Dan?” Pinkie asked with narrow eyes and an irritated expression on her face. She threw off the covers and looked down.

“Uhh…Where to begin?” Pinkie asked. “Let’s start with your shirt…why am I wearing it?” She enquired.

Dan chuckled. “At one point last night you wanted to switch places with me.”

“Okay, well that also explains why you’re wearing my pajamas.” Pinkie said, examining the pajama clad arms wrapped around her torso. She examined Dan’s nails which had pink nail polish smeared all over them and even onto his skin a bit. “I can’t believe you agreed to this!” She exclaimed.

“Heh, I didn’t.” Dan informed. “You were pretty forceful last night and undressed me, redressed me, and painted my nails against my will.”

“Okay, now that I believe.” Pinkie tugged at Dan’s arms but found the short man was putting up quite some resistance. “Dan, you can let go. We need to get ready before the tow truck arrives.”

“No way.” Dan replied. “I’m beginning to see why you do this. You’re really warm…and, dare I say, snuggly?” He took a big sniff of Pinkie’s hair. “And you smell nice…you know…now that you washed all the Wendigo gore out of your hair.

Pinkie mumbled something unpleasant to herself and sighed. “Hey, who won the bet last night?” She asked.

Dan sniggered, “Check your waistband.”

Pinkie reached down past Dan’s arm and felt around her waist, finding something with her hands, she brought up two crisp $100 bills and smiled to herself. “Wait a minute…” Pinkie uttered as she felt around her waist. “If I’m wearing your boxers, does that mean you’re wearing..?” Pinkie trailed off, afraid she already knew the answer.

“I told you, you were very forceful.”

Pinkie blushed a luminescent shade of red. “Somehow, this is isn’t as funny now that it’s morning.”

Dan let go of Pinkie and quickly positioned himself over the girl straddling her abdomen.

Pinkie looked up and gulped; catching something wild in Dan’s eyes as his smile changed to an evil grin.

“Liar.” Dan said as he shoved his hands underneath the black ‘JERK’ shirt Pinkie was wearing and began frantically moving his fingertips up and down her bare sides.

Mr. Mumbles yawned from her position which had, just a few seconds ago, been against Dan’s back. She trotted to the foot of the bed and jumped off.

“HAHAHAH…DAN! HEHEHEHE…STOP! HEHEHAHAHAH…NO! NOT…HEHEHEHE…THERE!” Pinkie pleaded as she feebly tried to swat Dan’s hands away.

The door to the bedroom flew open and the two looked up to see Elise, wearing nothing but a long sleeved, blue shirt, which went down her thighs about halfway. Elsie smiled from ear to ear. “You two HAVE to see this!”

Dan matched Pinkie in the blush department as he looked over at Elise, his hands till buried in the shirt Pinkie was wearing.

Elise grinned slyly. “Nice clothes, by the way.” She said, slowly closing the door.

Dan and Pinkie synchronized smacking palms against their own faces.

“Shall we go outside?” Dan grumbled.

Pinkie sighed. “Sure, it couldn’t possibly be any more embarrassing than that!” She exclaimed.

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles added.

Dan glared down at her. “Laugh it up, fuzz ball.”

Pinkie opted to exit the room first, peeking out into the large, cabin living area. She quickly threw the door open and stepped out of the room. “Pffft…Dan! I was wrong!” Pinkie exclaimed as a huge smile grew across her face.  “Hehehe…This is waaaay more embarrassing.” She explained as she broke into a fit of giggles.

“What?!” Dan protested as he walked out into the room. His grumpy expression shifted as he looked out into the living area.

Elise Sr. sat in the loveseat wearing loose fitting, red pinstriped pajamas.

However, Dan’s focus was somewhere else entirely. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Hey guys.” Chris called out, exiting his room in an unshredded pair of blue, footy pajamas and an arm in a sling. “What’s so…Oh, my.” Chris uttered as a smile crept across his face.

Don glared at the other cabin occupants as he stood in front of the couch with crossed arms, wearing nothing but a sleeveless, white, silk nightgown, which went down his thighs about halfway.

“I hate all of you.” He replied.

“Aww, Dad, don’t be like that. It’s a very manly gown you’re wearing.” Elise said before erupting into laughter quickly joined by everyone else.

***

Don closed the hatch to the large silver SUV and brushed his hands against each other.

He turned to Chris and extended his hand. “You’re all set, son, maybe we’ll have you up here again sometime…if Dan agrees to bring his exorcism gear.” Don added with a chuckle.

Chris smiled and took the hand and shook it. “I guess ‘Wendigo spirit roaming the nearby woods’ would hurt property values a bit.

Don released his grip on Chris’s hand. “So…” He paused. “I guess this changes things a bit…” He said trailing off.

Chris narrowed his eyes slightly. “You mean like the first time I saved you two?”

Don thought about this for a moment. “Huh…I guess you’re right.” He responded. “I guess it doesn’t change things…”

Chris pulled back his good arm and balled his fist. “Yeah, I thought as much.”

*

Chris quickly entered the passenger side to the SUV and shut the door behind him.

The other vehicle occupants, still dressed in their cold weather gear, where silent.

Elise finally spoke up. “Chris, did you just punch my dad?”

“Yeah…I suppose I did.” Chris answered blankly, staring out into the white, tree covered expanse in front of him.

Elise grinned. “Chris, you are going to get so many smoochees when I get you alone.”

Pinkie and Dan giggled to themselves from the backseat.

Chris smiled. “A man has to draw the line somewhere.” He said proudly.

*

Don rubbed his jaw as his wife approached him. “If I wasn’t hung over…” He muttered.

Elise Sr. put a hand on her husband’s arm. “Oh Don, let it go. I mean…we did attempt to trap him in a hole and leave him there.”

Don sighed. “Yeah, maybe we over did it this time.”

“Also, I would like to avoid prison.” Elise Sr. stated. “Come on, let’s get out of here before anything else weird happens.”

<*>

Chris turned back to Pinkie who sat in the middle seat, slumped against Dan’s arm and shoulder.

“So,” Chris began with a smile. “What should we sing first?”

Pinkie shot a glare at him. “Chris, my head is killing me. If you sing, I will rip out your vocal cords and feed them to you.”

Chris’s expression turned pensive as he stared forward. “Or quiet. Quiet’s good.”

Dan smiled. “Music to my ears.”

Elise looked out the rearview mirror. She watched as her father rubbed his jaw and shot a glare at the SUV, then as her mother put a hand on his arm. Elise produced a pair of earbuds attached to a small, round, black device with a speaker on the side of it and placed one of the tiny, black speakers into her ear as she watched her parents return to the RV.

“Elise, are you spying on your parents?” Dan asked in a surprised tone as he absentmindedly stroked Mr. Mumbles who had curled up on his lap.

Elise turned around to face Dan. “Don’t tell me you disapprove.” She said with a cocked eyebrow.

“No, it’s just…you have some serious trust issues.” Dan said.

Elise frowned as she turned her eyes in the direction of the ear she had just inserted the earbud into. She unplugged the ear buds, and Elise Sr.’s voice spoke from the small device in Elise’s hand. “…I guess we’ll have to find a replacement for Colby.”

“Yeah,” the voice of Don agreed, “Part bear or not, that goofy idiot has simply got to go!”

Elise looked back to Dan and sighed. “Can you blame me?”

Dan shrugged. “Apparently not.”

“Next time I punch your dad, I think I’ll turn into a bear first.” Chris stated.

“Maybe you can hit my mom, too.” Elise stated, turning back towards the road and starting the SUV. “I think she managed to get through this completely unscathed…”

The sound of the RV starting was heard. Elise continued to watch it in the rearview mirror. Her eyes went wide as thick, black smoke billowed out from underneath it and quickly engulfed it. Elise Sr. and Don quickly exited the RV in a coughing fit.

Elise stopped the RV as the occupants turned to observe the smoking vehicle.

“What the…Chris did you..?” Elise asked, turning to her husband.

Chris shook his head. “Wasn’t me.”

Elise turned to the backseat. “Dan?”

Dan also shook his head. “No, but I kinda wish I had thought of it…”

The smoke slowly changed to a red color, then pink as Pinkie giggled.

Elise smiled at the pink, curly haired girl, turned back to the road, put the SUV into gear, and sped off.

“So, where to?” Elise asked. “I need to drop something off in Havre, then I guess we can go wherever we want.”

“How about a nice lodge, somewhere?” Chris suggested. “He turned in his seat to face Dan. “Or are lodges teaming with serial killers and spirits, as well.”

Dan looked up to the ceiling of the vehicle, pondering this then looked back. “No…maybe the occasional murder mystery caused by an irate staff member or guest with an agenda, but it should be much lighter on the indiscriminate killing.”

Elise nodded. “Alright…let’s head west, that way we can spend as little time in Idaho as possible on the trip home.”

“Sounds good to me!” Pinkie responded.

Chris switched his focus to the pink haired girl. “I’m surprised you don’t want revenge.” He stated.

Pinkie paused, then reached a hand into Dan’s jean pocket, pulling out a notepad and flipping it towards the back. She lifted up a page for Chris to see.

The page read IDAHO in large, pink, glittery letters, surrounded by the word ‘die’ over and over again complete with the ‘i’s dotted with hearts and an angry looking, pink pony with long, straight hair. Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan’s arm and smiled. “Idaho will get his…erm…its…” She paused. “After I finally get to relax.” She added.

Dan turned and smiled at the girl whose head was resting against his shoulder. “It’s a date.”

Pinkie smiled warmly back at him.

Chris looked at Elise who simply shrugged with a smile. Chris matched the smile and shrug, and simply shook his head.

***

Pinkie stared out a large window, resting her hands on the windowsill and leaning her head against them. She sighed contently and smiled as she looked into the orange and purple twilight covered creak, tree line, and mountains past that.

“Feeling better?”

Pinkie turned as Dan approached the long sleeved, red and white striped shirt and jeans clad girl. “Much.” She answered as Dan joined her, placing his hands on the windowsill and looking out into the peaceful peaks outside.

Pinkie reached a hand over and covered one of Dan’s with her own. “Thanks for having another adventure with me.” She murmured.

Dan looked back at her. “Anytime.”

Dan and Pinkie stared deeply into each other’s eyes. Slowly, they closed the distance between their faces, tilting their heads slightly as their eyes shut, their lips pursed, and…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“OH, COME ON!” Pinkie shouted looking up to the sky and turning her hands up in frustration.

Dan sighed and rested his cheek against his hand, leaning against the windowsill with his elbow. “Here we go, again…”

A feminine sounding voice rang out from somewhere in the lodge. “The Concierge has been…”

“…MURDERED!”

Pinkie buried her face into her palms and began grumbling obscenities into them.

“I told you you were tempting fate when you picked up those Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson outfits!” Dan said in a chastising tone.

Pinkie looked up, but continued to hold her hands up in a frustrated manner “But they fit so well!” Pinkie protested.

Dan sighed once more and turned, walking down a long hallway. “Come on, Pinkie. Let’s save everyone from their own idiocy…again.”

Pinkie turned angrily and pointed at…

…Uhhhh…

“You! Yes, YOU. The beard with an idiot hanging off of it.” Pinkie said angrily.

Heh, Black Books reference, that’s digging deep.

“Shut up!” Pinkie demanded. “I swear, if you keep this up, it’s not the shippers you’ll have to worry about. It’ll be me!”

And what exactly do you think you can do to me?

“I will haunt your dreams and I will give you just the absolutely, most terrible, worse in the history of eternity, baked bads based nightmares that have, will, and EVER existed in the history of forever! DO YOU HEAR ME!? I WILL TORMENT YOUR SUBCONSCIOUSNESS EVERY SECOND YOU’RE ASLEEP, AND EVERY SECOND YOU’RE AWAKE YOU WILL LIVE IN MORTAL FEAR OF EVERY CUPCAKE, CAKE, OR MUFFIN YOU COME ACROSS! I’LL MAKE CUPCAKES LOOK LIKE A RATED ‘E’ SLICE OF LIFE FIC BY THE TIME I’M DONE WITH YOU! SAVVY?!”

Alright, already. Geeez…Just…just hold tight for the next part. I swear I’m going somewhere with all this.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Pinkie Pie promise?”

Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Good.”

“Pinkie?” Dan called out. “Are you coming or not?!”

“Coming~!” She sang out. Pinkie skipped merrily down the hall.

“Uh…what was all the screaming about?” Dan asked.

Pinkie quickly wrapped her arms around one of Dan’s as they walked. “Just getting a point across to the powers that be.”

Dan shook his head. “You are so weird.” He replied.

Pinkie cocked her head slightly. “Said the man who was going to dress up as Dr. Watson to help his roommate solve a crime.” Pinkie responded cheerily.

“Well it’s not like I can just go around solving crimes without looking the part!” Dan replied.

Pinkie giggled. “Another adventure, huh?”

 “It never ends, does it?” Dan sighed out.

Pinkie smiled. “That’s fine.” She said simply, tightening her grip on Dan’s arm.

I’ll go on an endless stream of silly and dangerous adventures…

…Just so long as I’m with you.

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Epilogue (Pinkie & Dan Vs. Idaho)

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Epilogue (Pinkie & Dan Vs. Idaho)

****

Song lyrics from The Great Divide by The Mowgli’s

Edit: Or they where. Now they're here with the original version of this.

****

Pinkie smiled exuberantly as she brought her running chainsaw down on a long, thin, piece of wood sticking vertically out of the ground in the dark, starry night. Sawdust sprayed her black sweater and black pants as her saw made a neat, diagonal cut through the wood.

“Timber!” She shouted as the large, blue ‘Welcome to IDAHO’ sign teetered forward and crashed on the ground.

Dan grinned evilly as he turned over a rectangular, large, red, metal gas canister and emptied a clear substance onto the sign.

He handed Pinkie a box of matches. “Would you like to do the honors?” He asked, smiling at the pink haired woman.

Pinkie grinned wide with an audible ‘squee’ and took the matches. She quickly lit one and flung it on the downed sign which erupted in a blaze of fire.

The two quickly made their way to the nearby red hatchback, laughing the entire way.

“Our work is done.” Dan announced happily as he buckled his seatbelt, Pinkie doing the same from the passenger seat. He reached into his pocket and handed Pinkie a notepad.

Pinkie gleefully accepted the notepad and flipped towards the back. She flipped it to the page that read IDAHO in glittery, pink letters and enthusiastically scribbled over the state’s name.

“Geez,” Pinkie began, “Could you believe how many virgins they were going to sacrifice at that Square Dancing event?!” Pinkie said, looking across to Dan

Dan shrugged. “They’re Square Dancers, they’re just bad people.”

Dan started the car and turned to Pinkie. “Where to?”

Pinkie paused and grinned mischievously. “My back is itchy…”

Dan smiled wide. “Vegas, eh? I’ll drive fast.”

Dan pulled the car onto the highway and the red hatchback sped off from the scene of the crime into the night. Its occupants giggling and chuckling at their victory over the Gem State.

Dan reached for a cassette tape as he drove on. He felt a hand on his and looked up into Pinkie’s smiling face.

“I have a better idea.” She said. “How many punk songs do you suppose you and I know?”

“Uhh, I’m not sure if we know seven hours’ worth...” Dan replied.

He smiled wide. “But I guess we’ll find out.”

Pinkie beamed happily in reply.

***

Dan grumbled from the couch as he was awoken by the flickering TV. An infomercial played staring people Dan would never care about advertising nothing Dan wanted or needed.

Pinkie gently snoozed away in her pink dress, leaning against Dan’s shoulder.

Dan mumbled inaudibly to himself as he dragged a palm over his face. “Ah, come on, Billy! We’ll clean the bathroom tomorrow, alright?” Dan irritably pleaded into the otherwise empty apartment.

The TV shut off leaving the roommates in darkness and silence on the couch.

“Stupid, jerk ghost…” Dan mumbled under his breath

Dan and Pinkie had made it home after a couple days of traveling and winning obscene amounts of money from casinos, and had sat down to relax together and watch some TV on their return. At some point, both Pinkie and Dan had fallen fast asleep.

Dan turned to the slumbering Pinkie Pie and sighed.

Looks like it’s my job to drag you to bed…

…again.

He grabbed one of Pinkie’s arms and slung it over his shoulder, and then grabbed the other arm and place its hand on the wrist draped by his neck.

Dan bent down and shimmied an arm under Pinkie’s knees, and placed another on her back. Pinkie giggled softly as Dan lifted her up, she instinctively held on tight and nuzzled herself into his chest as Dan began trudging towards the bedroom.

Dan felt his heart beat quicken to an alarming pace at the contact, and he suddenly felt a warmness in his face he was unaccustomed to.

Am…am I having a heart attack?!

Dan made haste to the bedroom, stepping over expensive looking silver cases that littered the ground of the apartment. He quickly, but carefully deposited the sleeping Pinkie Pie on the bed.

Pinkie curled up on top of the covers and continued her gentle snoozing. Small beams of streetlight eked in through the blinds across her pink dress, pink hair, and light skin. The hints of a smile at the corners of her lips.

Dan turned and practically dove into the bathroom, feeling his forehead as the hot feeling continued and his heart continued to beat rapidly.

Maybe I’m coming down with something…

Dan threw open the medicine cabinet and began unscrewing lids, and depositing pills into his palm. He rushed out of the bathroom towards the kitchen sink, filled a glass with water, put the pills in his mouth, and then took a drink, swallowing the pills.

A few seconds of attempting to control his breathing later, and Dan was back to normal. He breathed a sigh of relief and walked into the bedroom.

The feeling hit Dan like a bus impacting an unsuspecting library patron, or a hatch to the back of a vehicle coming down on an unassuming gas station attendants head. His heart leapt in his chest and he felt warm all over as he gazed at the sleeping figure of his roommate; snoozing and smiling to herself in the night as pink curls framed her sleeping face that glowed in the dim light.

Oh no…

Dan felt his world collapse around him. The last, worn and weary barriers around his heart buckled and toppled. For the first time and quite some time, he felt scared and vulnerable.

He turned and ran towards the apartment door. He flung it open and stepped into the cool California night, shutting it behind him.

He balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“LOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEE!”Dan Vs.
<3 <3 <3 LOVE <3<3<3

Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Bonus (Dan’s & Pinkie’s Solution List)

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping  Bonus (Dan’s & Pinkie’s Solution List)

*****

Solutions list (with annotations by Dan)

A. Assault (usually shot down by Pinkie) >:(

B. Bees: Requires having bees, and bee keeper suits on hand

C. Cat: Throw Mr. Mumbles at problem (usually ends with Mr. Mumbles clawing my face! Why, Mr. Mumbles, why?!)

D. Dogs: Angry attack dog(s) (requires angry attack dog or dogs).

E. Explosives. (yes!)

F. Friendship (wanted “fire”, but Pinkie won the coin toss)

G. Grapes of Wrath (throw grapes and/or one or more copies of The Grapes of Wrath)

H. Hide: (and hope problem goes away!)

I. Ignite (still managed to get fire on the list)

J. Joust: Challenge problem to a knightly jousting match. (I knew going to all those ren fairs would pay off)

K. Kumquat (don’t ask.)

L. (Combustible) Lemons, courtesy of one of our friendly Casa Paradisio mad scientist in apartment 5.

M. Montage! (works with surprisingly frequency, especially if Pinkie sings.)

N. Nap: Sleep on it and see if either of us still cares afterwards.

O. Opossum (Pinkie just thought the word was funny; requires Opossum or Opossums to throw)

P. Pickle Barrel (seriously, don’t ask)

Q. Quartet: Distract target with Barbershop Quartet routine (requires Chris and Elise or two homeless people who can hit the low notes)

R. RAMPAGE! (let’s just brake stuff and see if that solves things)

S. Shark (requires shark and shark tank)

T. Tabasco Sauce (a squirt gun full of hot sauce works wonders!)

U. Understanding: Attempt to see things from the problems perspective and work towards a resolution with them (Damnit, Pinkie!)

V. Voltage: Tasers are legal in most places, conveniently enough.

W. Why?! (question the cosmos and/or the powers that be that the first 22 plans were dismissed or didn’t work)

X. Xussar Iryston: Capture problem and mail it to Xussar Iryston  (convenient, as almost no one knows where or even what this is)

Y. Yellow: Beat problem with phone books (finally, they’re good for something again!)

Z. Zeitgeist: Burn everything & get the %&*! out of town (Word chosen because it sounds awesome and it’s hecka hard to find something that begins with Z)

Part  7 Dan Vs. Love: Chapter 40 Pinkie Vs. Philanthropy

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart  7 Dan Vs. Love  Chapter 40 Pinkie Vs. Philanthropy

****

Pinkie slowly opened her eyes to the sounds of birds chirping. Sunlight shot through the blinds in bright bands of light across her face, and over the light blue blanket she was under. She smiled as she enjoyed the warm feeling on her face, and also the warm feeling on her back. She reached to her abdomen to discover two arms had wrapped her in a tight embrace.

She giggled as she lightly tapped her finger against the hands on her torso in a rhythmic fashion. Dan stirred from behind her and nuzzled his head into her pink curls. “Oh, I can get used to this.” Pinkie purred.

“SNORT!” Without warning Dan shot up and threw the covers off his bare chest and boxers. He inhaled a large amount of air before he slammed his head into the swinging lamp directly over the bed. “GHAH!”

“Eeep!” Pinkie responded startled by Dan’s sudden jump and frantic behavior.

Dan flailed his hands at the lamp as Pinkie quickly sat up and stopped its swinging before it could land another blow on Dan. Pinkie looked at Dan with concern.

Mr. Mumbles gave an alarmed meow and bounded off of the bed at the sudden movement.

“Dan?! What’s wrong?! What happened?!” Pinkie asked.

Dan shot her a glare. “I couldn’t breathe with my face in your stupid hair.”

Pinkie attempted to keep her concerned and sympathetic look but it quickly fell to a grin as her body shook with the laughter she was failing at stifling. “Pffft…I’m…sorry? HeheheHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Dan frowned. “Alright, admittedly, that does sound pretty idiotic.”

“Hehehehe, Sorry Dan. My hair just has a mind of its own.”

“Apparently it has a mind for murder, it just tried to kill me.” Dan said, narrowing his eyes.

Pinkie grinned. “It’s very attached to its  territory, i.e. my scalp.”

Dan glared again, this time directed at Pinkie’s hair. “Next time, I’ll bring an electric shear.” Dan commented.

Pinkie smirked. “You tried that already, remember?”

<***>

‘Bzzzzzzzzzz’

“SNORE!”

Dan glared down at the mop of pink curls around his roommate’s face that blanketed the white pillow she was sleeping away on. “Alright, hair,” Dan spat out angrily,“your reign of terror ends today! No longer will I wake up to find you covering the drain in the bathtub! This ends, now! From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee!”

Dan stuck his electronic weapon into the amorphous, pink, collection of curls. Rotating razors drank deeply of the beasts flesh as the shears descended into the deep mass of bright locks.

‘BzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ’

Too deeply, it seemed. Soon the device was buzzing loudly in protest as it drowned in a sea of hair that was proving too thick and stalwart for the motor of the device.

Dan removed his hand in alarm as the shears heated up to an uncomfortable temperature. Dan dove for the cord and unplugged it as the device burst into flames. He turned back and was suddenly staring straight into angry, questioning blue eyes.

“Dan, why is my hair smoking and on fire?” Pinkie asked in a calm voice laced with venom.

“Uhhh…” Dan responded. Attempting to come up with a reasonable answer that wouldn’t get him stabbed.

Pinkie paused, closed her eyes, and held up her hands, palms facing Dan. “You know what? I’m going to stick my head in the shower.” She opened her eyes resuming her glare and leveled an index finger at Dan. “When I come back, you better have an apology and an explanation or I’m going to make you eat whatever this thing is in my hair.” She said in a threatening tone.

Dan gulped. “Yes, ma’am.”

Pinkie calmly hopped out of bed and not so calmly panically ran out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.

***<

Dan’s glare fell as he was reminded of one of his less proud moments and a time when aggression against Pinkie was something he’d do without a second thought. “Uh…right. Sorry about that…again.”

Pinkie simply smiled back at Dan. “Oh, it’s okay. A got to wear hats for about a week and got really clever about combing over the burnt hair in that time.” Pinkie responded happily. “And, hey! We both learned something important that day.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “That your hair is an uncontrollable beast that consumes all in its path?”

Pinkie giggled, and playfully waved a dismissive hand at Dan. “No silly! I learned I should clean my hair out of the drain and you learned…” Pinkie paused and quickly glanced to the side. “…Well, I guess you did learn that thing you just said!” She exclaimed

“It’s great you can be so understanding about your hair being attacked and set on fire.” Dan replied. “Pretty sure most girls would have made me eat the sheers…” He explained, mumbling, “…provided they’d ever speak to me again…”

Pinkie continued to smile and shrugged. “You didn’t mean to set my hair on fire.”

“No, but I did mean to shave it off.” Dan insisted.

“Oh, don’t worry about it!” Pinkie replied. “You apologized, my hair grew back, and everything is hunky-dory!”

“If you say so…”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “I do say so!” She sprang from the bed and walked over to the bedroom closet. “Now if you’ll excuse me…” Pinkie pulled on the sliding door to the closet, revealing that it was 50% full of colorful, mostly pink clothing, and 50% full of sharp and dangerous looking weapons. “…I seem to be wearing the same thing I was last night and could probably do with a shower.”

Dan hopped out of the bed as Pinkie fished out her white, button up shirt; black vest, rainbow leg warmers, and cutoff jean shorts.

Pinkie turned and grinned slyly at Dan. “Now, how do you suppose I made it from the couch to the bed, I wonder?” She cooed.

Dan blushed slightly, and walked to his dresser grumbling, “You’re heavy…” sheepishly.

Pinkie grinned wide. “I thought as much.”

*A round of showers and dressing later*

“So,” Dan began sitting on the couch next to Pinkie, water still dripping off his hair, “what does Pinkie Pie want to do with her day?”

Pinkie smiled bemusedly. “Why, Mr. Mandel, are you actually asking me, what I want to do for a change?” She asked fluttering her eyelids.

“What?” Dan said feigning hurt into his voice.  “I’m sure you have plenty of awesome ideas to kill a day.”

“Weeelllll…since you asked,” Pinkie said with a grin, “I was thinking I’ve been given so much, mostly courtesy of Las Vegas, that I should really give something back to those who need it.”

Dan frowned. “I stand corrected.”

“Aww, come on!” Pinkie insisted, throwing her hands out. “I’m sure it’ll be fun!”

“Since when is giving money to people too lazy to make it themselves, ‘fun’?” Dan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Maybe we can think of a way to make it fun!” Pinkie insisted.

Dan paused as a mischievous smile crept across his face. “Alright, I have an idea. Have you ever heard of a t-shirt cannon?”

***

The red hatchback pulled up to a bearded man wearing a black beanie; and brown, tattered, patched, and soiled clothes. Flies buzzed around him as he held up a sign that read “Will Juggl Lobstrs for cash.”

Dan and Pinkie stared at him from their rolled down car windows. Dan in the driver seat, and Pinkie in the backseat.

Dan glared at the grungy looking homeless man. “You’re missing some ‘e’s there.”

“Couldn’t afford ‘em.” The man responded in a gruff voice.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe, good one.”

Dan’s expression softened a bit. “You get many handouts with that line?”

“Heh, a bit.” The homeless man admitted.

“Well, here comes the mother lode.” Dan said with a grin. “Get ‘em, Pinkie.”

“Wait!” Pinkie looked at the hobo with a huge grin on her face. “Can you really juggle lobsters?!”

The man grinned under his dingy beard. “For a pretty lady like yourself, of course! I’ll have lobster flying around in a jiffy!”

*Exactly one jiffy later*

“GET ‘EM OFF ME! GET ‘EM OFF! GET’EMOFF! GETEMOFF!”

Pinkie and Dan looked down at the tramp as red lobsters clambered all over his body and affixed themselves to him via their large, painful looking claws.

Pinkie turned to Dan. “This wasn’t as much fun as I was expecting.”

“I, for one, am pleasantly surprised by the level of entertainment here!” Dan responded. “But I guess you could always put him out of his misery.”

“Okay!” Pinkie responded, diving into the backseat and reemerging with a large, black, cylindrical cannon with a large barrel that she pointed directly at the homeless man.

“WAIT!” The hobo pleaded, standing up. A lobster hung by its claws on his beard as the other lobsters remained attached to his appendages.  “Just, give me another jiffy! I promise I’ll get them airborne this time!”

“Don’t worry!” Pinkie said. “It’ll all be over in a second!” She assured.

The bearded man closed his eyes and quickly made peace with his maker.

‘THOMP’

A green projectile slammed into the tramp, sending him flying into his cardboard home behind him with a loud ‘Crash’. $100 bills exploded in all directions then drifted gently to the ground.

“GoD, BlesS, Yoooouu…” The homeless man warbled out.

Pinkie beamed as Dan drove off. “You’re right Pinkie, helping others is fun!” He grinned evilly. “Let’s see who else we can help.”

*

“Hello, sir. My name is Crunchy, it rhymes with munchies. And I am her today to say, what you like to save the whales…today?” A blond haired, dreadlocked man with pink glasses, a green shirt, a purple vest, khakis, and flip-flops, held out a large coffee can and shook it about.

Pinkie clapped her hands happily. “Oh! I like him! He rhymed!”

Dan turned back to the pink haired girl hanging out the backseat window. “He used ‘today’ twice. That’s hardly poetry.”

Pinkie raised her hands in a shrug. “At least he tried.”

“Hey man, the whales could really use your support!” Crunchy insisted.

Dan furrowed his brow, turning back towards Crunchy. “What have the whales ever done for me?” Dan demanded.

“No bra, ask not what the whales can do for you, but ask what mankind has done to the whales!” The hippy replied.

“Not enough, apparently!” Dan said. “They’re still here, aren’t they?!” Dan retorted.

“Sir! If you’re not hear to support our cause of restoring balance in the ocean. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Crunchy said, folding his arms across his chest.

Dan shrugged. “Suits me!” He started the car.

“WAIT!” Pinkie shouted from the back seat. “Dan! We have so much! We don’t need to be picky-mickies!”

Dan sighed. “You’re right, Pinkie. Give the man everything that’s coming to him.”

Crunchy grinned and held up his coffee tin, but his grin quickly turned to alarm as Pinkie raised her large, black, cannon looking aperture.

‘THOMP’

Crunchy flew back into a table full of Save the Whales’ fliers. The table snapped in half at the impact, and fliers buried the hippy as a ‘Save the Whales’ banner collapsed, taking two large plastic poles with it, and into the center of the papery, money mass of injured hippy.

“Oooo…” Pinkie said through clenched teeth. “Sorry.”

“It’S alL GOod…thanks for your contrabeee...contribuooo…cash.” Crunchy responded, one of his arms pointed in a rather unnatural angle.

“I can fix this!” Pinkie declared. She quickly reloaded her cannon, took aim, and fired another round into Crunchy who gurgled painfully in response.

“Pinkie!” Dan shouted. “Stop giving the dirty hippy all your money!”

“But hospitals are expensive!” Pinkie protested.

Crunchy weakly raised his finger into the air. “Mouther natcher thanks yooouuu…” The finger fell limply into the pile of $100 bills.

Dan snickered to himself and drove off.

*

“Wanna buy some Girl Scout cookies, mister?” A small, freckled, redheaded girl asked. Her hair curly and long. She wore a white shirt with a green sash across it and a matching green skirt.

“Awww, you’re adorable, kid. We’ll take all of them!” Dan said happily.

“Really, minster?!” The child replied, a dazzling smile exploded across her face.

Dan nodded. “Yep! Get her, Pinkie!” Dan commanded.

Pinkie quickly popped out from the backseat window and leveled her cannon.

‘THOMP’

“AHHH!” The little girl screamed in alarm as a green mass of bills exploded across her face.

*

“Would you like to help fund diabeetus research?” A balding man with bushy white eyebrows and an equally bushy mustache asked.

‘THOMP’

“MY PANCREAS!”

“Well…it wasn’t working right anyways…” Pinkie offered, grinning sheepishly.

“Dude, I think you just shot a celebrity.” Dan observed.

*

“Boy Scout coupons?”

‘THOMP’

‘AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!’

*

“Breast cancer research?”

‘THOMP’

“WAAAAAAAAH! WHY WOULD YOU SHOOT AT THOSE?!”

*

“Save the trees?”

‘THOMP’

“BANDERSNATCH!”

*

“Save the owls?”

‘THOMP’

“WHIFFLE!”

*

“Save the hungry?”

‘THOMP’

“TULGEY!”

*

“Save the dolphins?”

‘THOMP’

“BURBLE!”

*

“Save the tuna?”

‘THOMP’

“FRABJOUS!”

*

“Save the tuna from the dolphins?”

‘THOMP’

“GFLARGLE!”

‘THOMP’

‘THOMP’

‘THOMP’

‘THOMP’

‘THOMP’

“I think that homeless guy just twitched.” Dan commented.

‘THOMP’

A devilish grin spread across Dan’s face. “Much better.”

Pinkie deposited the t-shirt cannon on the seat next to her, breathing heavily. “Huff…Pufff…There! I think that’s enough helping the needy for now.”

“I’m not sure the needy can survive any more of our help, anyways.” Dan commented.

Pinkie put her hands on the seats in front of her and leaned forward. “I’m starved!” She announced. “Wanna grab a burger?”

“Do I!?” Dan responded enthusiastically.

Pinkie propelled herself forward neatly onto the passenger’s seat, and quickly buckled her seatbelt.

The red hatchback cruised down the street, palm trees passing on either side.

“Just don’t pay the drive-thru worker with the money cannon.” Dan said.

“Ahhh, you’re no fun…” Pinkie said in a pouting tone.

“I mean it!” Dan said. “Save that level of carnage for Lenny’s.”

“Pffft…” Pinkie began dismissively. “Like I’d fire money at anyone who works there.”

“You know…” Dan began. “…we can always figure out what else this thing can fire.”

Pinkie giggled. “I guess we know what we’re doing tomorrow~.” She sang.

Part  7 Dan Vs. Love: Chapter 41 Pinkie Vs. Unemployment

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart  7 Dan Vs. Love  Chapter 41 Pinkie Vs. Unemployment

****

Dan slowly opened his eyes to the sounds of birds chirping. Sunlight shot through the blinds in bright bands of light across his face, and over the light blue blanket he was under. He scowled at the bright light as it assaulted his vision.

“Stupid Sun.” He mumbled. The sun, like many things, had a near permanent place on his list. Mostly because attempting to launch water balloons at it with a giant slingshot only resulted in a collection of soggy, unconscious cyclist and pedestrians.

He felt a something warm pressed against his chest and arms wrapped around his body. Likewise, his arms were also wrapped around the pink haired, pink pajama clad girl. Dan sighed at the thought of getting up and giving up his current, comfortable place on the bed; his head apparently resting against a puddle of pink cotton candy.

Alright, plan, plan, I stillneed a plan…

Flowers? Bleck, Too pedestrian, too many stupid metaphors that can go south.

Ah, ha! Spell out ‘I love you’ by setting fire to large stretches of Los Angeles and sneak Pinkie onto the highest floor of the U.S. Bank Tower! Hmm… Well, the sneaking part wouldn’t be hard, but I’d probably be arrested or shot long before I was even done with the word ‘love’…

Poison her and only give her the antidote on the condition she loves me…sure if I WANTED her to fake it and kill me in my sleep a few days later…

Why does making someone fall in love with you have to be so dang hard?!

“Beep”

Dan felt a light push against his nose and looked down to see a feminine hand with pink nail polish attached pajama clad arm lead down towards the smiling face of the woman he was currently holding. His heart skipped a beat as he looked into the blue eyes framed by an adorable face all surrounded by luscious, pink curls.

Pinkie giggled. “Sorry! You looked so lost in thought! I couldn’t help myself! First you were thinking! Then you were happy,” Pinkie smiled,” but then sad,” Pinkie frowned, “but then happy again,” smiled, “and then sad,” frowned, “and then you got that look on your face like you were about to set fire to something,” Pinkie grinned evilly, “but then really, really, really sad” Pinkie pouted and quivered her lip, “and then you looked frustrated. So I was wondering…watcha thinkin’ about?”

“Uhh…nothing…shut up…I mean I was thinking about how much I enjoy sleeping in this position…with you.” Dan said.

Nailed it!

A+

Pinkie looked surprised for a second then blushed slightly as she nuzzled her head into Dan’s chest. “I’m glad. I’m really happy here, too…”

Dan smiled to himself and tightened his grip.

“…aside from the fact that I really, really, really need to use the bathroom and you're squeezing is making it worse…” Pinkie added.

“Oh, uh…sorry.” Dan released Pinkie and she quickly gave him a quick, sheepish smile, hopped off the bed, and bolted out of the bedroom into the nearby bathroom.

“Stupid, lousy bladder.” Dan muttered as he rose out of bed, the blankets falling off of his bare chest.

“Hmmmm…” Dan mused to himself.

“Date at a fancy restaurant? …No, either there would be something weird going on and/or we’d end up burning it down…”

“Romantic movie? Grrraa…I think I’d rather try setting fire to L.A.”

**

Once again, the two roommates found themselves on the couch, staring inquisitively at each other. Pinkie having changed into her red, floral pattern shirt and jean shorts, with a pair of pink flats that bared her cutie mark, Dan wearing a fresh pair of the outfit he wears pretty much every day.

“Sooo…” Dan began, “What do you want to do today?”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Three Pinkie Pie days in a row!? Wow Dan, you must really like me!” Pinkie said, cocking her head and fluttering her eyelids.

Dan’s face flushed as his expression turned nervous.

“Actually…” Pinkie said hesitantly, “…there is something I want to do.”

“Yeesss?” Dan asked raising an eyebrow.

“I er…want to talk about something with you.” Pinkie said putting her hands on Dan’s.

Dan’s heart immediately began to pound in his chest.

Uh-oh…this can either go very, very well or very, verybad.

She just put her hands on mine, though! That’s a good sign! Right? Right?!

Dan swallowed. “Yeah?”

“You’re um…you’re probably going to think I’m crazy…” Pinkie said.

Dan raised an eyebrow.

“Well…crazier!” Pinkie clarified.

“Just spit it out, already!” Dan demanded.

“Okay…” Pinkie inhaled deeply. “I think I need a job.”

Dan rapidly shook his head and his face changed to shock. “What?!”

Pinkie sighed. “I knew you’d respond that way…”

Dan paused and attempted to control his temper. “What I meant was, why do you need a job? You have a wallet that gives you all the money you want and you still have tons of Vegas money.” Dan reminded.

Pinkie sighed, and raised her hands, taking Dan’s with them and intertwined her fingers with his. “I know…but I’m starting to feel anxious sitting here all day, every day.” She explained.

Dan released one of his hands to motion out with it, “What are you talking about?! We go out practically every day!”

“I know, and it’s a lot of fun! But, I still feel kinda empty inside…like I could be doing more with myself, you know...”

“Uh…no, not really.” Dan admitted. Dan’s heart began to beat faster. “Wait…you’re not trying to get away from me, are you?!”

“Of course not, silly!” Pinkie said, reaching out for Dan’s hand again. “I love spending time with you!”

Dan’s heart skipped a beat at the word ‘love’.

“But, I really think this is something I have to do!” Pinkie said, locking serious looking sky-blue eye’s with Dan’s green eyes. “Besides, sooner or later the cops are bound to catch up with us.”

Dan thought about this. “Honestly, we probably could get away with another few months of this before we actually got caught and charged with anything.”

Pinkie grinned. “Seriously though, I need to do this.” Pinkie’s eye’s turned pleading. “And I don’t think I can do it alone.”

Dan look deep into her eyes.

Like I could ever say ‘no’ to those…

Dan sighed. “Alright, Pinkie. I’ll help.”

“Yay!”

“But for the record, I think this is both stupid and idiotic.” Dan added.

Dan felt arms encircle him. “That’s okay, Dan. I’m just happy I have you here when I need you.”

Dan smiled, and returned the hug. “Sure Pinkie. Anything for you…”

The hug was all too fleeting as Pinkie broke it, kissing Dan’s forehead on the way up as she stood. Dan’s face turned red with warmth at the gesture.

Pinkie held out a hand. “Come on, Dan! We’re burning daylight!”

Dan smiled and took Pinkie’s hand as she helped him up.

**

“My basic principles of being against employment aside, have you thought about this?” Dan asked from the driver’s seat of his red hatchback. “I mean, you have a fake ID that Elise made for you and that’s it!”

“Don’t worry Dan, I’m sure I can find someone who wants to hire me!” Pinkie said optimistically.

“Where do you think you’d even get a job at?” Dan said, frantically waving a hand about. “Don’t tell me you’re going to settle for burger flipping or office work.” Dan said, knitting his brow at Pinkie. “I doubt your co-workers would put up with you singing orders to them for hours upon hours on end…and, no offense, but I found office work tedious and boring! I couldn’t imagine you lasting a few hours before you have a mental breakdown and start constructing some sort of fort for yourself out of stolen office supplies.”

Pinkie shook her head. “None taken. Besides, there’s only one job that would make me happy!”

“Clown?” Dan guessed.

“…Okay, make that two jobs…”

“Party planner?”

“…Three jobs.”

 “Wait, so if it wasn’t that, then…Fortune teller?”

“OH! I can do that, I have done that…I mean, stop giving me ideas!” Pinkie insisted.

“Right, sorry.” Dan said, turning back to the road.

“No! I know what this town needs and it’s a baker!” Pinkie declared.

“Uh…we have those.” Dan reminded.

“Yeah, but almost everyone bakes with fake dyes, and imitation this and that, and just all kinds of crazy stuff that makes no sense to me and makes me want to go on…like…I don’t know,” Pinkie’s expression darkened as she held her hands up as frustrated claws around her face, “some sort of uncontrollable rampage where I just run around and set fire to everything and laugh and laugh and laugh as mankind is brought to its knees because of its reliance on fake baking ingredients.”

Dan paused. “You know what? Let’s do that!” He said enthusiastically. “That sounds way more fun.” He grinned evilly. “You can carry around way more gasoline if there’s two of us~!” He sang.

“Dan! I can’t burn down all the bakeries! Where would I find a job if I did that?!”

Dan paused. “You could always start your own!” He suggested. “And, hey! No competition!”

“I’d probably end up in prison if I actually did that thing I just said.” Pinkie said, cocking an eyebrow.

“Details, details.” Dan said, waving his hand about dismissively.

“Anyways,” Pinkie continued, “I don’t really know a lot about running a business. I mean…I can manage a shop by myself okay, but actually doing finances and all that icky sounding taxes stuff?! I’m a party pony, not a money managing pony!”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Is that actually a thing in your world?”

“Well, d’uh! Who do you think runs all the giant chain stores and corporations and stuff?!” Pinkie asked.

“Uh…I don’t know…I guess I just thought you all took breaks frolicking in pristine meadows and throwing parties for each other in between fighting terrifying creatures that seem to attack on a near monthly basis…” Dan responded.

“Well…yeah, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have businesses!” Pinkie exclaimed. She looked out the window. “Wait…is that our apartment building?!” She turned to Dan. “Are you just driving around the block over and over again?!”

“Well it’s not like you actually told me where we’re going, or anything!” Dan complained, motioning out to the road with his hand.

“Just drive! I’m sure something will turn up!” Pinkie insisted, pointing out towards the road.

Dan sighed. “Fine! But it’s not like we’re just going to drive past a bakery that has a big ‘Now Hiring!’ sign in front of it, or like…just opened and has a pushover owner that’s going to let you change everything!”

“What about that place?” Pinkie asked, pointing to a small building that read ‘Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins’, complete with a ‘Grand Opening’ and a large ‘Now Hiring!’ sign posted in the window.

Dan paused, blinked a few times, sighed, and pulled the car into the almost completely empty parking lot. “Stupid, insanely lucky roommate.” He muttered to himself.

Pinkie merely flashed Dan a dazzling, toothy smile.

Dan furrowed his brow at her. “Okay, but it’s not like the owner is just going to let you start throwing out ingredients and start making your own stuff.” Dan insisted. “Wait…” Dan took another look at the bakery’s title ‘Wally’s’?”

“Oh! Like the guy who runs the Emporium of Hardware and Explosives?!” Pinkie said, her face lighting up. “He’s super nice to me!”

“Only because you buy so many explosives from him…and you always pay in cash!” Dan looked back to the store, narrowing his eyes slightly and rubbing his chin. “Still, it doesn’t seem like two Wallys would name their store practically the same thing.”

Pinkie threw open her door, exited the car, and excitedly began hopping from one foot to the next. “Well?! Are you coming or not! This is going to be fun!”

Dan rolled his eyes and twirled an index finger in the air. “Yay, job hunting.” He responded sarcastically as he exited the car.

“Ahhh, come on!” Pinkie said with a smile. “At the very least, I’m sure Wally will be happy to see us.”

Dan sighed and trudged after Pinkie who began bounding towards the store entrance.

Pinkie grabbed the glass door by its metal handle and swung it open, causing a small bell affixed to the top to ring. “Have no fear, your new baker is here!” Pinkie announced to a room full of empty seats and tables. “Uhhh…” Pinkie darted her head from side to side, attempting to find someone, anyone.

Dan leisurely walked in after her. “Yeesh, this place is deader than my grandma.” He commented.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “How dead is that?”

“The sort of dead you confirm with a pulse check and a few, hard kicks to the torso just to be safe.” Dan replied.

The two paused as they heard a noise from behind the counter. A large, balding, overweight man emerged from a back room; wearing glasses, a yellow shirt, brown pants, red tie, all covered by a white apron; and stood in front of the register.

“Oh! Hi, Pinkie! Hi, Dan.”

“Hiya, Wally!” Pinkie responded, enthusiastically waving.

“What’s with the bakery?” Dan asked with suspicion in his tone. “Are you closing down the hardware and explosives emporium…again!?”

“Oh, my no! The explosive business is booming!”

Pinkie and Wally shared a giggle while Dan folded his arms and rolled his eyes.

“Mostly due to you two, though.” Wally added. “In fact, business has been so good, I’ve decided to expand!”

“Like you need to get any bigger...” Dan mumbled. “OW!” Dan rubbed his arm, courtesy of hard punch Pinkie delivered into it.

“Dan! Be nice!” Pinkie whispered.

“Yeah, yeah…”

“So, what brings you two in today? We have both cupcakes and muffins for all your baked good desires.” Wally stated with a smile.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “And by, ‘we’ you mean…”

Wally sighed, “I mean me.”

“I was about to say, I’ve seen fenced off archaeological dig sites with more activity than here…” Dan turned towards Pinkie and quickly put his hands up defensively. “Don’t hit, it’s true!”

Pinkie lowered her first. “Okay…well…you still shouldn’t be so blunt about these things.”

“It’s okay, Pinkie, he’s right. I’ve been open a few days and the customers have really dried up in that time.”

“Well, I know what will cheer you up!” Pinkie declared, taking her wallet out of her Pink bag and pulling out a $5 bill. “One cupcake, please!”

“Oh, what kind?” Wally asked with a small smile.

Pinkie gave Wally a closed eye smile and shrugged. “Surprise me!”

Wally grabbed a chocolate cupcake from the display case and handed it to Pinkie.

Pinkie took the cupcake with a smile and began to take a bite.

Dan walked up to the counter and leaned his back against it, supporting himself with his elbows. “Big mistake, buddy.”

“What?” Wally turned to Dan. “She doesn’t like chocolate?” Wally asked.

Dan shook his head. “She rarely likes anything she hasn’t baked herself. I think Ninja Dave is one of the few bakers or would-be bakers I haven’t seen her chew out. We’ll be lucky if she stops screaming within an hour.”

Pinkie swallowed the bit of cupcake in her mouth. “Oh, it’s okay Dan. I won’t scream at Wally.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Wait, so you actually liked it?”

“Uhhh…no, not really…” She looked back at Wally. “Sorry…” She said with a pensive grin.

Wally sighed. “It’s okay, I’m still learning...”

“Wellll,” Pinkie began. “The cocoa powder is of substandard quality, it’s too sweet, probably because the chocolate chips have more sugar than necessary; you clearly used fake vanilla extract; and the egg content is a little light.” Pinkie explained.

“Uh…you can tell all that just from a bite?” Wally asked skeptically.

Pinkie smiled wide as she set down the partially eaten cupcake. “Yepper! And that’s why you should hire me!” Pinkie said, enthusiastically smiling until all her teeth where visible.

“Hmmmm…I don’t know, no offense, but you two buy an awful a lot of explosives from me…”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “You ever use that mini-nuke on the in-laws?”

“Uhhh….point taken.” Wally said, toweling at his brow with a handkerchief. He turned back to Pinkie. “Do you have any experience?”

“I used to work and live at a bakery!” Pinkie responded cheerfully.

“References?” Wally asked.

“Oh well, I can grab my mirror and I’m sure Twilight could grab one of the Cakes to mphp hmphfff hmm…” Pinkie glanced down at Dan who was holding a hand over Pinkie’s mouth.

“Just hire her!” Dan insisted. “You’ll never find a better baker.”

Wally held his chin in thumb and forefinger and considered this. “Well, maybe if you come back some with something you’ve baked…”

Pinkie happily produced a rainbow colored cupcake as Dan removed his hand from her mouth.

“…Where did you pull that from?” Wally asked.

“I have no idea!” Pinkie responded merrily.

  Wally eyed the colorful cupcake suspiciously and tentatively took a bite.

“…then we’ll pass out fliers! And once we’re back from the farmer’s market, I’ll spend the next few hours creating dyes and baking goodies while Dan decorates outside!” Pinkie said clapping her hands excitedly.

Wally shook his head, clearing away a euphoric sensation that was completely overwhelming his senses.

“What just happened?!” Wally asked.

Dan raised an eyebrow, having returned to his spot against the counter. “You went into some sort of ecstatic, cupcake coma.”

“I did?”

“Yeah…then you hired Pinkie on the spot and agreed to everything she said.” Dan explained.

“Oh dear…is that why the display case is empty?”

“Yeah…Pinkie closed shop and pretty much trashed everything…including a fair amount of your ingredients.”

Wally sponged at his perspiring forehead with his handkerchief. “I hope she knows what she’s doing.”

Dan shrugged. “Usually she doesn’t.” Dan stated “But she spends hours baking almost every day, so you’re probably fine. Gha!” Dan felt something grab is hand and before he knew it, Pinkie was dragging him towards the door.

“Come on, Dan! We got a lot of work to do.” Pinkie dragged her roommate out the door, and turned back to Wally.

“But farmer markets are full of hippies!” Dan protested.

Once Pinkie had dragged Dan outside, she turned back to Wally. “Bye-Bye, new boss!” She said with a smile.

Wally offered a small wave as Pinkie closed the door behind her. “I’ll er…just stay here, then…”

***

“Come to Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins! All natural ingredients and the smiles are free!” Pinkie said, enthusiastically passing a flier out to a Farmer’s market attendee.

“Come to Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins or you’ll die alone in a gutter…sooner rather than later.” Dan said, grumpily passing out a flier.

“Hello! You look like a man who’s desperate for quality baked goods!” Pinkie said, passing out another flier.

“Hey, you…yeah, winner of this year’s worst dressed competition.” Dan said to a large woman wearing a white t-shirt and bright pink, zebra striped sweatpants.“Come to Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins or I’ll string up that goofy looking dog by its harness.”

The woman shot Dan a glare. “That’s my child!”

Dan handed her a flier. “Whatever! My threat still stands! Go to the cupcake shop, fatty! You know you can’t pass up sugary baked goods.”

The woman sighed. “Well…you got me there.”

“All natural, baked daily muffins and cupcakes at Wally’s!” Pinkie said, enthusiastically passing out another flier.

“You look like a filthy tree hugger.” Dan said to a large man with a large, brown beard, long brown hair, and a tie-dyed shirt. “Come to Wally’s and eat of nature’s goodness, then gloat to all your friends that you’re eating better than them and therefore are better than them!”

The large man happily took a flier. “Finally, a place that understands me!”

“Come to Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins.” Pinkie said hanging out a flier. “Wow, you’re actually pretty good at this!” She exclaimed to Dan.

Dan shrugged. “You just gotta learn the right leverage with people.” Dan turned to another farmer’s market patron.

“You! Come to Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins, or one night you will hear something from your closet in the middle of the pitch black darkness. You’ll dismiss it, of course, because hey,” Dan put up his hands in a small shrug, “monsters don’t really exist. But you’ll be wrong, dead wrong. And as you drift back off to sleep, your eyes will shoot open and the last thing you’ll see is my grinning face as I hold an axe aloft in my hands. As I bring it down on your terrified, screaming face, your last thoughts will be: ‘If only I had purchased a muffin.’”

“Sniff…sob…MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” A young boy with brownish red hair sitting under a red, white, and yellow beanie with a green propeller screamed.

‘POW’

Dan felt something fast and hard impact his face and he tumbled to the ground.

“Button, sweetie! Are you alright?” The brown haired woman who had just delivered a haymaker to Dan’s face asked, lowering herself to the crying child’s level.

Pinkie helped Dan to his feet. “Err…that seemed a bit…excessive.” She said to Dan.

“What! Aggressive marketing, baby!” Dan insisted, rubbing his cheek as it began to swell.

“Mooooooooom, I need a muffin!” The boy wailed.

“Sigh…Of course sweetie…”

Dan handed the woman a flier. “Best muffins in town! Guaranteed to keep the axe murders at bay!”

The woman angrily snatched the flier and jabbed Dan in the nose.

“Ow!” Dan exclaimed, rubbing his nose as the woman stormed off.

“I mean, I really, really, really neeeeda muffin from Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins!”

“Of course dear…” The woman said in an exasperated tone.

“See, Pinkie? Leverage!” Dan said motioning out to the woman and her child. “So, we done yet?” Dan asked.

“One more!” Pinkie said happily holding up a flier.

“YAY! MUFFINS!” A blond haired, cross-eyed woman exclaimed snatching the flier from Pinkie’s hand before said woman careened into a nearby farmer market’s stand with a startled. “Wah!”

“Now are we done?” An impatient Dan asked his pink haired roomie.

Pinkie smiled. “Not quite! Now we have to actually get ingredients!”

Dan sighed. “Joy” He said sarcastically, as Pinkie grabbed him by the hand and dragged him off to a nearby stall.

***

Dan wiped the sweat from his brow and descended a tall ladder, hammer in hand.

Dan surveyed the large ‘Grand reopening banner’ surrounded by balloons then looked across the parking lot. Likewise, it was covered in balloons, not to mention streamers, and all sorts of bright decorations.

“There,” Dan said to himself. “It looks like a kid’s birthday party collided with a circus and left no survivors. Pinkie would be pleased.”

“Hey, Dan.”

Dan turned to see Wally approach him from the store and hand him two $20 bills.

Surprised, Dan took the money. “Wally…are you paying me?!”

“Well, sure.” Wally said. “You worked really hard today.”

Dan looked around the lot. “Uh…I guess I did…”

What the heck is that woman doing to me?!

Wally gave Dan a small smile. “Thanks Dan. You two really came through today.”

Dan rubbed the back of his head. “Don’t mention it.”

“No, seriously! This place looks great!” Wally insisted, motioning out to the parking lot.

“Really, don’t mention it.” Dan said, narrowing his eyes slightly. “This is starting to feel weird.”

“Heh, sure Dan.” Wally said turning back to the store. He raised a hand as he walked away. “See you around.”

Dan sighed, stuffed the money into his wallet, and started walking to his car.

“Dan! Wait!”

Dan turned just in time to get a front row seat to a pink blur crash into him with a crushing embrace. “You weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye, where you?”

“Uh, of course not.” Dan said, returning the embrace. Dan took a look at what Pinkie was wearing and sighed. “I’m covered in flour now, aren’t I?”

“Oops…” Pinkie held Dan at arm’s length. There was a Dan shaped imprint on her apron and half of Dan’s face as well as his chest was now covered in white powder. “Sorry, Dan…”

Dan simply shook his head. “It’s okay, I’ll clean up when I get home.”

“Hey…” Pinkie said, leaning in and giving Dan’s cheek a quick peck as she reached for his hands. “Thank you for helping make this come true for me.” She said, with a warm smile as she gave Dan’s hands a squeeze.

Dan’s face flushed. “Of course, Pinkie.”

KISS HER!

I’m gonna! Just…give me a minute.

YER MAKING ME MAD, RUNT! KISS THAT GIRL!

“Er…Pinkie?”

“Yes, Dan?”

“Uhhh…”

KISS HER, YOU WIMP!

Shut up, subconscious! This isn’t as easy as it looks!

YOU KISS THAT GIRL THIS INSTANT!

Dan began to lean in and up towards his roommates face, closing his eyes as he did so.

Pinkie smiled and leaned down, also closing her eyes.

The two pursed their lips as Wally threw open the door to the shop and shouted. “Er, Pinkie? One of the ovens is beeping.”

Dan and Pinkie synchronized smacking palms against their own faces.

Pinkie moved her fingers to stare out at Dan. “Hey, come see me if you get lonely, okay?”

Dan removed his hand and chuckled. “Lonely? I finally have time to catch up on T.V.” He joked.

Pinkie giggled and gave Dan’s hand a squeeze. “Still! You know where to find me.” She said as she bounded off towards the store, waving as she went.

Dan waved back.

YOU BLEW IT PIPSQUEAK! YOU’RE A LOOSER AND SHE’S NEVER GOING TO LIKE YOU THE WAY YOU LIKE HER.

NOW LISTEN HERE, YOU SIMPERING LITTLE VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD. I AMDAN MANDEL! I AM VENGEANCE INCARNATE, AND I HAVE DECLARED WAR ON LOVE! PINKIE PIE WILL BE MINE! OH YES, SHE WILL BE MINE!AND I DON’T CARE HOW MANY TIMES WE GET INTERRUPTED BY MONSTERS, PEOPLE BEING MURDERED, OR JUST RANDOM PEOPLE WALKING IN AT INOPPORTUNE TIMES! DO YOU HEAR ME?! WHEN I’M DONE, PINKIE WILL BE UTTERLY CONSUMED WITH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS FOR ME! I SWEAR IT!

Heh, alright kid. You got moxie, I’ll give you that. I’ll leave you to it.

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT, YOU WILL!

Dan sighed. “I wish I just knew how…” he muttered to himself. “Ask my neighbor for a love potion? No, knowing him, Pinkie would grow 50 feet and probably have to fight a giant radioactive lizard…Kill all her enemies and present their heads to her on pikes? Wait…Pinkie doesn’t have enemies.”

Dan shook his head as he walked to the car.

This is going to be harder than I thought…

Part  7 Dan Vs. Love: Chapter 42 Dan Vs. Boredom

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart  7 Dan Vs. Love  Chapter 42 Dan Vs. Boredom

****

Dan sighed as he pulled his car out of the bakery parking lot.

It’s fine, you can do this.

You lived by yourself for years.

It’s no big deal.

It’s fine, everything is fine…

Still, it’s a long, lonely drive back to the apartment.

…

No wait, there it is.

Dan parked his car in front of the building and exited. Sighing as he walked up the steps and sighing as he unlocked the apartment door and walked into the apartment.

“Meow?” Mr. Mumbles said.

“Mr. Mumbles!” Dan said, throwing his arms out wide. “Come here! Give daddy a big, snuggly hug!”

“Merow?” Mr. Mumbled complied, running up to Dan and jumping up into his chest as Dan wrapped his arms around her.

“Dwaaaa…who’s a good kitty? Who’s a good kitty?! Who’s a good kitty?! Who’sagoodkitty?! Whosagoodkitty?!”

“Meow?”

“Of course it’s you! You’re a good kitty! You’reagoodkitty! Youragoodkitty!”

“Meow?”

“She’s working. She’ll be back later.” Dan explained, holding Mr. Mumbles out at arm’s length.

“Meow meow?”

“NO! I don’t miss her! I just saw her like five minutes ago!” Dan said, mild irritation creeping into his voice.

“Meow merow?”

“What! That’s stupid! I’ll be fine! I’ve spent years living alone!” Dan insisted.

“Meow.”

“I’m waiting for the right moment, okay?!”

“Meow meow!”

“You don’t know that for sure!” Dan gave an exasperated sigh. “You know what! I feel great! It’ll be nice to finally have some quiet around here! Now if you’ll excuse me I have some TV to watch!” Dan declared, sitting on the couch and sitting Mr. Mumbles down next to him.

Dan grabbed a large, thin TV remote and turned on the large, flat screen television. Noises of violence erupted from the speakers.

“But, Johnny! There’s not enough room in the orphanage after you launched all the idiotic parents into the sun!” A woman’s voice called out.

“That’s, okay! I know how make extra room!” A heroic voice called out.

The sound of children screaming erupted from the speakers as machine gun fire was heard.

Dan sighed. “Seen it.”

He changing the channel.

“And we now return to Apocalyptic Alien Secrets of the Past on the History Channel!”

“Lame.” Dan exclaimed, changing the channel again.

“And we’re back with real people who live stranger lives than you!”

“Doubt it.” Dan said, changing the channel again.

A soothing, male voice called out of the speakers. “…the city council has assured that what everyone thought was a luminescent radioactive gas that caused people’s hair to fall out and skin to melt, was really just a nutritional deficiency caused by not eating enough delicious, locally grown, imaginary corn chips. Buy a bag for your family! And, assuming your jaw did not rot and fall off due to dangerously low levels of imaginary corn chips, throw another one in for yourself, listener! You’re worth it!”

“And now, the weather.”

Dan sighed again and changed the channels. He began rapidly flipping through them with a bored expression, barely even paying attention to what was on screen.

“Figures.” He mumbled out. “I finally get the sometime to myself and there’s nothing but mind numbingly stupid shows on!”

 Dan stared down at the video game system in front of the TV and looked over to Mr. Mumbles. “Would you like to play some games with me?” Dan asked with a hopeful tone.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles responded enthusiastically.

*Ten minutes later*

“MEREOW! HISSS! MEROW!”

“WHY, MR MUMBLES, WHY!” Dan cried as he pried the irate cat from off his face.

‘Tink, tink’

“Hello? Is this darn thing on?”

Dan looked towards the small, closed compact mirror on the crate that served as the apartment’s makeshift coffee table and dove for it, quickly opening it and bringing up to his face.

“Hello! Dan speaking.” He said happily into the mirror.

“Uh…Howdy partner…your um…bleedin’ there.” Applejack answered, raising an eyelid as her ears perked up.

“It happens!” Dan said smiling, shrugging a bit.

“You’re bleedin’ a mighty lot.” Applejack insisted, pointing at Dan with a forehoof.

“Yeah, forehead cuts. They do that.” Dan responded.

Applejack rolled her eyes, “Er, Look Dan…is Pinkie around?”

“Nope.” Dan said, his grin starting to turn devilish. “She’s at work for the next several hours! It’s just you and me Crackerjack.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed and her ears dropped slightly. “Applejack.”

“Whatever!” Dan said dismissively.

“Wait, Pinkie Pie got a job?” Applejack asked.

Dan sighed. “Yeah, hired as of today…” He said trailing off.

“Ah, so you’re just there on your lonesome, eh?”

“I’M NOT LONELY!” Dan screamed at the orange, blonde maned pony through the mirror in his hand.

Applejack gritted her teeth as her hat slid backwards a bit, “Uh…sure, partner, whatever you say…” Applejack replied, fixing her hat back into place.

“Soooo? Want a staring competition rematch?” Dan asked opening his eyes wide.

Applejack closed her eyes and shook her head. “Sorry partner, I actually called you up on this here magic doohickey to tell you something.”

Dan pointed his free hand at himself and put on a ‘Who, me?’ expression.

“I think you’re confused.” Dan said. “You seem to be having some sort of horrible hallucinations where you’ve confused me for a girl with big, beautiful, eyes, the color of a cloudless sky on a bright, sunny day and long, gorgeous, curly pink hair, like cotton candy drifting wistfully on a cool, spring breeze.”

Applejack smirked. “You writing poetry for Pinkie Pie, partner?”

“Uh…I mean her hair is stupid and I hate it…also shut up…I suggest you hit your head against something hard repeatedly until your vision clears.” Dan said informatively, leveling an index finger at Applejack.

Applejack maintained her smirk as she rolled her eyes. “Lookie here, Dan. I just need to know if Pinkie told you what day it is in a couple weeks.”

Dan sighed. “You mean her stupid, pet alligator’s birthday? She hasn’t shut up about that. I think she’s making me wear a series of pointy hats that she expects me to swap out every ten minutes while I wave at this stupid mirror.”

Applejack raised an eyelid again, and her ears once again perked up. “She didn’t happen to mentioned what happens on the day afterwards, di’she?”

“The same stupid alligator’s stupid after party.” Dan responded.

Applejack smacked a forehoof against her face.

“What!” Dan protested. “Am I right, or am I right?!”

“No, not you, partner.” Applejack said, taking off her hat and rubbing the back of her head. “Pinkie Pie does this every year!”

“Throw stupid parties for a dumb reptile with a vacant expression on its face?” Dan asked.

“I meant, aside from that!” Applejack insisted, putting her hat back on.

“Well! Spit it out! I haven’t got all day, Apple Strudel.”

“Applejack!” The orange earth pony insisted. “Apple Strudel is my great uncle!”

“Are you going to be pedantic, or are you going to tell me what you were going to say?!” Dan demanded.

Applejack sighed. “The day after Gummy’s birthday is Pinkie’s Birthday.”

Dan paused. “WHAT?! Why didn’t she say something to me?”

“Honestly, partner? She’s probably so focused on Gummy’s parties she’s completely forgotten about her own.”

“This is perfect!” Dan announced.

“Uh, it is?” Applejack asked.

“Sure! I throw Pinkie a big party, buy her an awesome gift, and she’ll have to fall in love with me!”

Applejack paused, a giant grin slowly eroded her serious demeanor and spread across her face.

Dan’s eyes went wide as he looked back at the mirror. “Uh I mean…Pinkie is hopeless and she needs me to take care of her!”

Applejack’s grin widened, “Is that a fact?”

“I umm…”

“Listen Dan, I get the impression you don’t have a lot of experience with women folk.”

“What are you talking about? Girls love me!” Dan insisted.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Sure they do, partner. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t throw Pinkie a happenin’ hoedown of a shindig, or get her something mighty nice, but have you ever considered telling her how you feel?”

Dan sighed, “Mr. Mumbles said the exact same thing.”

“Uhhh…yer cat?”

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles replied from the couch cushion.

 “Hey! No ganging up on me!” Dan said to Mr. Mumbles. “Besides, what if she doesn’t feel the same way about me?!”

“…Yer serious?” Applejack asked, cocking her head to the side.

“Look, to the untrained eye, I’m sure Pinkie seems very easy to understand, but Pinkie is like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a gorgeous, hour-glass shaped body, with hair of long, flowing curls and, slender, feminine hands made of smooth silk and …”

“Uh, Dan? Come back to us partner. You’re starting to drift off.”

“Ah, right…where was I?”

Applejack turned as the noise of an opening door was heard.

“Oh! Hey Applejack,” Twilight called out.

“Hey, A.J.” Spike said.

“Howdy, Twilight! Hiya, Spike!”

Dan’s eyes widened once more and he brought the mirror close to his face, “You can’t say a word about this to anyone! Understand?”

Applejack smiled and nodded, “My lips sealed tighter than the lids to Granny Smith’s apple-honey jam jars.”

“Promise?” Dan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Promise,” Applejack replied.

“Promise what, A.J.?” Spike enquired, walking into the view of the mirror, followed by Twilight. “Oh! Hey, Accidental Arson Bro!”

“Spike!” Dan exclaimed trying to act natural. “My main man! My main dragon man! How’s it going?”

“Great!” Spike exclaimed. “How about you, buddy?”

“Oh, you know me! Awesome 24/7, 365 days of the year.”

“Dan, what happened to your face?” Twilight asked with just the tiniest hint of concern. “You’ve got tiny lacerations all over it!”

“Oh, I just beat Mr. Mumbles at video games a little too much.”

“Mrrrrrrr…” Mr. Mumbles growled from the seat next to Dan.

“So,” Dan continued, “Spike! Start any fires lately?”

Spike smiled as Twilight smacked a forehoof against her face.

“Well, actually, me and the CMC…” Spike began.

“CMC?” Dan interrupted.

“He means tha Cutie Mark Crusaders,” Applejack informed. “My sister and her two friends.”

“Oh yeah, the obnoxiously cute trio,” Dan replied.

“So, anyways,” Spike continued enthusiastically. “They tried to get their cutie marks in building demolition! And I helped!” Spike said proudly.

“Sweet! How’d that turn out?” Dan asked.

Twilight put a hoof over Spike’s mouth, “They burned down a coffee shop that was closing down.”

“Radical,” Dan replied with a toothy smile.

“They started the fire before everypony was out of said coffee shop!” Twilight added angrily.

Dan thought about this for a second and responded, “I stand by my earlier statement.”

“UuuhHHLG!”  Twilight replied in frustration.

Applejack shot Dan a weary look, “Now where in tarnation would they get an idea like that from?”

“Oh, please!” Dan replied, he waved his hand about dismissively. “Like they haven’t done worse without my helpful and well-meaning guidance.”

“Uhh…well…you got me there, partner…” Applejack admitted sheepishly.

“So what’s this about a promise?” Spike asked again.

“Uhh…” Dan merely trailed off.

“Dan promised he’d throw a big birthday shindig for Pinkie Pie!” Applejack announced.

“Right, that is totally what I promised. That thing. A birthday party. A birthday party for Pinkie Pie…and nothing else.” Dan added.

Ha! They suspect nothing!

 Applejack grinned nervously as Spike and Twilight Sparkle fixed Dan with looks that suggested that they suspected something.

They’re on to me!

“Oh my! Look at the time! Gotta go!” Dan declared as he began to shut the mirror.

“Dan, wait!” Twilight exclaimed.

‘Click’

“Meow?”

“It’s okay, Mr. Mumbles.” Dan insisted.  “Those ponies with their offensive color schemes are gone!”

‘Zap’

“Dan! Dan, I still need to talk to you!” Twilight called out.

Dan turned in the direction of the bathroom. “Oh, what lunacy is this?!”

Dan trudged into the bathroom where Twilight, Spike, and Applejack stared back at him from the bathroom mirror.

“Oh, COME ON!” Dan shouted. “I thought you could only bug me through Pinkie’s magic mirror!” Dan insisted.

Twilight shook her head. “Pinkie’s mirror isn’t magic!” Twilight explained. “It was just the closest mirror to her when we found her and… DAN! Wait! Put down the sledgehammer!” Twilight pleaded, holding up her forehoofs in a ‘Stop!’ expression.

Dan paused as he held the sledgehammer above his head. “Make it good, Sparkler.”

Twilight sighed. “Look, I just wanted to know if you’d let us throw a little party for Pinkie, too. When you’re done with her, that is.”

Dan lowered the sledgehammer. “Uh…and ‘done with her’, you mean..?”

Twilight knitted her eyes towards each other. “Done with your party, of course. Why? What did you think I meant?”

“Nothing!” Dan said, holding up his hands and letting go of the sledgehammer, dropping it directly onto his foot. “OW!” Dan picked up his injured foot and began hopping up and down on his good leg to the chorus of giggles from the trio watching him through the bathroom mirror. Dan shot them all a glare, and they stifled their giggles, but remained smiling.

“Fine, Sparkler. When I’m done throwing her an amazing, awesome human party; she can have a stupid, lame pony party with you losers.”

Twilight closed her eyes and smiled. “That’s all I wanted!” She opened her eyes again. “Thanks, Dan.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just give me my bathroom mirror back! This is creeping me out.” Dan declared.

“Sure, Dan. See you later!”

“Later, Partner!”

“Catch you later, Accidental Arson Bro!”

Dan waved as the ponies and baby dragon disappeared in a purple flash and he was left staring at his own reflection.

Alright, now to get Pinkie the perfect gift…

…

…I have no idea what the perfect gift would be…

Dan walked out of the bathroom, and grabbed his rectangular phone out of his pocket.  He dialed a number with incredible speed.

“Hey, Dan!” A chipper voice answered from the other line.

“Chris! I need you to stop whatever ridiculous thing you’re doing and come pick me up, toot sweet!” Dan demanded into the phone.

“I’m not doing anything, Dan.” Chris replied.

“Well, stop it!”

“Uh…I can’t really stop doing nothing…Unless I actually do something.”  Chris replied.

“Oh well…you can stop it by coming to pick me up, I guess.”

“Okay Dan! See you in just a bit!” Chris replied happily.

“AND STOP YOUR INSUFFERABLE WHINING!” Dan yelled, hanging up the phone.

…What do girls like?

Uh, Medieval weapons? No, Pinkie has dozens of those, already…

Makeup? Naw…Pinkie’s perfect the way she is…

Firearms? Hmm…I think Pinkie is the up close and personal type…

Why does everything have to be so difficult?!

Part 7 Dan Vs. Love: Chapter 43 Dan Vs. Unemployment

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7 Dan Vs. Love  Chapter 43 Dan Vs. Unemployment

****

Dan waited impatiently by the curb as a blue sedan pulled up and stopped in front of him. He quickly opened the passenger side door and entered the car and immediately began fuming at the driver.

“What took you so long?!” Dan demanded.

“I came soon as you called!” Chris insisted. “Traffic got really bad as I got to your place, though. I had to take a few detours.”

“Decreasing the cyclist population of Van Nuys in the process, no doubt.” Dan responded.

“Ha ha.” Chris replied sarcastically. “Where are we going, anyway?”

“We are going to places that sell things.” Dan replied.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “You mean, ‘stores’ could you maybe, oh, I don’t know, be more specific?”

“Shut up, idiot face, I don’t know what I need yet.” Dan explained.

Chris sighed and started driving. “So, where’s Pinkie?”

Dan sighed. “Working.”

Chris paused. “Wait…like…at a job?”

“Yes genius, that’s usually what one means when one says someone is ‘working’.” Dan replied.

“Why does Pinkie need a job?! She has all the money she could ever want!” Chris exclaimed.

“That’s what I said!” Dan replied. “But Pinkie said something about feeling anxious and empty not doing anything with herself, or something ridiculously stupid like that.”

“Are you sure she just wasn’t trying to get away from you? OW!” Chris rubbed the arm Dan had just delivered a solid punch into.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence buddy, and yes. I’m sure she didn’t do it just to get away from me.” Dan replied with sullen look on his face and folding his arms.

“Why’s that?”

“Because I asked her and she says she ‘loved’ spending time with me!” Dan said, his expression drifting towards a wistful look.

“Oh…uh…are you sure she just didn’t just say that to spare your fee…OW!” Chris rubbed the side of his stomach.

“Yes, jerk brain, I’m sure! Pinkie is a horrible liar!” Dan stated.

“Oh…right.”

“What is it with you and assuming she’d try to get away from me, anyway?”

Chris flashed Dan a ‘Seriously?’ look. “You’re not exactly the easiest guy to be around all the time. You’re like befriending an angry, hyperactive Chihuahua.”

“What are you talking about?! I’m awesome!” Dan declared, motioning out with his hands. “And you could at least think of a better breed of dog like a Schnauzer or Pug.” Dan added.

“Huh, never pegged you for a Pug guy. Why do you need some vague, unspecified thing, anyhow?” Chris asked motioning out with a palm.

“Pinkie’s birthday is coming up.” Dan explained.

“…and you’re going to get her something?” Chris asked in a surprised tone.

“Yes Chris, that’s how birthdays work. You buy gifts for the people you lov…I mean like.”

“You never get me anything!” Chris said.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Do I even need to say anything?”

Chris sighed. “Walked right into that one…” Chris’s face brightened a bit. “So, are you having a party?”

“Of course I’m having a party! It’s Pinkie! I’m pretty sure she goes into a coma if she goes too long without a party.”

“When is it?”

“May 3rd. Be there or your life is forfeit…also bring that woman that lives with you. Pinkie likes her for some strange, inexplicable reason.”

“You mean, Elise?” Chris said, rolling his eyes. “You can just say her name, you know.”

Dan put an index finger up to his own lips. “Shhh…Saying her name gives her power.”

“Dan, my wife is not Voldemort.” Chris responded with narrowed eyes.

“Actually, I was thinking ‘Betelgeuse’,” Dan informed, “but yours was sad and pathetic, congratulations.”

“Harry Potter is not pathetic!” Chris insisted. He gave an exasperated sigh. “Look, do you know where we’re going yet? I’m pretty much just wasting gas at this point!”

Dan grumbled, pulled out his wallet, and handed Chris a $5 bill. “There, you big baby. Now stop moaning and help me figure out what to get Pinkie.”

“…Dan, did you just hand me money?!” Chris said in genuine shock.

“I don’t want you getting any credit for my present!” Dan exclaimed.

“Wait…So you’re going to buy Pinkie a gift…with your own money? You’re not even using her money to buy a gift for her?!” Chris exclaimed

“What kind of idiot borrows money from someone just to buy a gift for them?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Gee, I wonder.”

“Anyways, I’m still working out an idea…do girls like flame throwers?”

“Uhh…usually not, I’d imagine…though somehow every girl I know probably does…” Chris said, quietly reexamining his life choices.

“Wait, stop here!” Dan commanded.

Chris pulled the car next to a parking meter and a palm tree as Dan threw open his door, quickly put some change into the meter, and ran towards the store they had parked in front of.

“Dan! That’s the Antique Mall! Don’t tell me you’re warring on the past, again!” Chris exclaimed.

Dan ran into the antique store as Chris stayed by the car, waiting to see Dan smash any number of the various plate, vases, or knick-knacks visible from the store windows.

Instead, Dan slowly exited the store looking crestfallen, without so much the sound of any glass breaking.

“Dan, what’s wrong?”

Dan sighed and pointed to an item in the store; an oval, full length mirror with a silver frame with an intricate silver etched butterfly adorning the top, all attached to a metal stand that held it upright. “Eight-hundred bucks.”

Chris whistled. “A bit out of your price range, I’m guessing.”

Dan looked up and glared at Chris. “No, I’ve decided. That will be Pinkie’s Birthday present.”

“Wait, you’re not going to steal it are you?!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes Chris. I’m going to steal it,” He answered sarcastically, “because I want Pinkie falling in love with me to blow up in my face when she finds out the perfect gift was acquired through illegal means.”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “Wait, what did you say?!”

Dan’s face flushed and he looked around nervously, “Uhhh…That I wasn’t going to steal the mirror…”

“AFTER THAT!”

“…That Pinkie would be disappointed if she found out I stole her gift.” Dan offered.

“No, in between those two things you said.”

“Erm…’blow up’.”

Chris narrowed his eyes. “Before that.”

“’Pinkie’?” Dan offered with a hopeful tone.

“Now the five words immediately after that.”

Dan sighed. “’Falling in love with me’…” He answered.

Chris nodded and smiled. “So, buying an Eight-hundred dollar mirror is part of some sort of scheme to make Pinkie fall in love with you.”

Dan grumbled out a “Pretty much…”

“Have you considered telling her how you feel?”

“Why does everyone keep saying that to me?!”  Dan responded throwing his arms out in a frustrated manner.

“Probably because it’s the sane way to approach the situation?”

“Look! Maybe all you lightweights are satisfied with your stupid notions of explaining your feelings and hoping for the best, but my victory over love will be complete! I will conquer my enemy completely with this gift, then bask in my total domination!” Dan declared. He paused. “Which in this case probably means lots and lots of smoochees.”

“You’re trying to beat love?” Chris asked with a raised eyebrow.

“At its own game, no less!” Dan declared with a giant grin. “The best kind of victory!” He added, quickly pointing an index finger in Chris’s direction.

“Dan, I really think you’ll have an easier time of this if you just talk to Pinkie. She obviously already likes you.”

“Oh please, like there are ways of telling if a girl likes you!” Dan said dismissively.

Chris rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dan. In fact, there are ways of telling if a girl likes you.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Really? Do tell.”

“Okay, you know how Pinkie acts around you?”

“Sure.” Dan answered with a skeptical tone.

“That. Exactly like that!” Chris responded, emphatically motioning out with an index finger.

“Oh please, she’s like that with everybody!” Dan insisted.

“Dan! She doesn’t grab ahold of my arm, or flutter her eyelids at me, or give me pecks on the cheek.”

“That’s just because you already have she-who-shall-not-be-named to do that stuff.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “I thought you said Harry Potter references where lame.”

“No! I said ‘sad and pathetic’, also stop talking.” Dan sighed. “Look, I know what I have to do.” He declared.

“Find and marry a rich, dying woman and hope she kicks the bucket within two weeks?” Chris suggested.

“No, you complete moro…actually, you know what?” Dan’s expression softened and he pointed at Chris. “Plan ‘B’”.

“Okay, if not that, then what then?”

Dan sighed. “I need…a job.”

**

Dan stared out the window as Chris continued to drive.

“So…this is your plan to get a job? Just…me driving around until you find something?”

“SHUT IT, YOU COMPLETE MORON! IT’S WORKED FOR ME SO FAR TODAY!” Dan yelled.

“Whoa… are you okay? That was pretty vitriolic, even by your standards.” Chris insisted.

“I’m FINE! Alright, king dufus?! Just on my way to become a wage slave! Nothing wrong with that!”

“You aren’t missing Pinkie, are you?”

“I SAID I WAS FINE DIDN’T I!? Geez! I saw her like…one hour, forty-one minutes, and thirty-five seconds ago! It’s not like I’m obsessed or anything.”

“Right…what was I thinking…” Chris responded, rolling his eyes.

“STOP THE CAR!”

Chris made an alarmed sound and slammed the brakes.

“Uh, Dan? That’s just someone’s house.” Chris said, looking out the window at a fairly typical looking Southern California beige house with hedges in front of it.

“I know that! Open the trunk.” Dan ordered.

Chris knitted his brow. “Sure…” He responded, hitting a button next to the steering wheel.

Dan quickly exited the car, walked to the back, dove into the trunk, and reemerged holding a large, metal tire iron.

Chris exited the car with a perplexed look as Dan walked up to a mailbox with a plastic cover that made it look like a large green and white largemouth bass and began smashing the heck out of it with the tire iron in his hands.

“Dan?! What are you doing?!” Chris called out in an alarmed tone.

“I HATE FISH MAILBOXES!” Dan declared ragefully, continue to smash the mailbox with as much force as he could muster.

“Dan! DAN! I think you got it.” Chris said, running up to his friend.

Dan gave the, now almost completely unrecognizable, mailbox a few more hard hits for good measure. “Huff…Pufff…”

“Feel better?” Chris asked.

“Much!” Dan replied with a smile. He turned his head going from calm to irate in a matter of moments. “THAT HOUSE STILL HAS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP! IT’S APRIL, YOU CRETINS! FEEL THE WRATH OF DAN!” Dan held the tire iron high as he screamed at the offending beige house.

Chris quickly wrapped his arms around Dan in a bear hug, pinning his arms to his side.

“LET ME GO!” Dan demanded kicking his legs out as Chris turned back to the car. “THEY MUST PAY! THEY MUST PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!”

“Alright Dan, I think it’s time to visit Pinkie Pie.”

Dan stopped flailing. “Fine! But only because she probably can’t go even a couple hours without me before she starts losing her mind.” Dan insisted.

**

“WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CARS?!” Dan screamed out, motioning angrily to the long line of vehicles in front of the blue sedan. “CHRIS! QUICK! PRETEND THEY’RE PIES!”

“Dan, I can’t eat cars!” Chris exclaimed. “Well, probably not more than one, anyhow!”

“Not with that attitude, you can’t.” Dan gave an infuriated sigh. “Just take us back to the apartment. The bakery is only three blocks away.”

“Well, that’s convenient.” Chris commented.

“Our lives often are, somehow…” Dan commented in a ponderous tone.

**

“Oh, COME ON!” Dan shouted at the long line of potential bakery customers leading out of the bakery and into the parking lot.

Chris took stock of their surroundings. “Holy geez, no wonder traffic is bad. Everyone is trying to come here!” Chris said, looking over the completely full parking lot and its colorful decorations.

“Out of the way, mouth breathers!” Dan yelled out. “I have a roommate to comfort with my glorious presence!” Dan declared, pushing his way through the crowd and into the bakery.

“Uh, hi…sorry, oops…just uh…following that guy…” Chris said meekly as he followed Dan, bumping into people in the line, and collecting dirty looks from the people Dan and him were pushing past.

Dan made his way inside to the center of the packed dining area, threw his arms out wide and dramatically announced. “Behold, Pinkie Pie! Your bestest best friend in the whole wide world has taken time from his busy day to visiGHAH!” Dan found himself interrupted as a pink blur slammed into him, knocking him to the ground.

“DAN! OMIGOSH! I’M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! IT’S BEEN A CRAZY TWO HOURS, TWENTY-THREE MINUTES, TWENTY-EIGHT SECONDS SINCE I SAW YOU LAST!” Pinkie exclaimed from her perch on top of Dan.

“Uh…”

“Ooops! Hold that thought, gotta run!” Pinkie ran off, her long, curly hair trailing behind her as she dashed behind the counter, into the kitchen, and ran back out again with a tray of hot muffins.

Chris helped Dan up to his feet in the crowded bakery. “You two where really made for eachother.” Chris commented.

Dan blinked a few times and smiled. “Thanks, buddy.”

“Uh, sure.” Chris responded.

“HI, CHRIS!”

Chris jumped as Pinkie appeared behind him.

“Ooops! Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare ya, it’s just super busy and I have to go. See you two in a jiffy!” Pinkie said cheerily, once again dashing off.

“Well, at least she seems to be happy.” Chris commented.

Dan narrowed one of his eyes, looking at Chris. “Her hair is more of a mess than usual, and she’s apparently covered her hands in Band-Aids.” Dan pointed out. “I’m doubting ‘happy’ is really what she’s feeling at the moment.”

“Wait…she was here for a few seconds and you could tell all that?”

“There’s this thing…it’s called ‘looking’, you should try it sometime.” Dan replied snidely.

“SO!”

Chris jumped again as Pinkie suddenly appeared from behind Dan.

“What have you two been up to?” Pinkie asked.

Dan turned and stared into open space, Pinkie having already dashed off somewhere.

“Uh…”

“I’m here!” Pinkie said, popping her head out from behind Chris this time.

“Dan’s trying to get a job so he can…OW” Chris started to explain before Dan silenced him with a punch to the arm.

“Don’t tell her that!” Dan shouted.

“…Tell who what?”

Dan looked up and paused as he tried to process how Chris had suddenly transformed into Wally and why he was suddenly standing behind the counter to the bakery.

“I…uh…what just happened?” Dan asked in a confused tone.

“Hire him!” Pinkie said, standing behind Dan and pointing an index finger wrapped in Band-Aids down at the short man.

“What?” Wally exclaimed.

“What?” Dan responded.

“Hire him!” Pinkie insisted.

Wally looked down at Dan with a confused look that Dan mirrored back at him. “But, he might snap and strangle someone…” Wally argued.

Wally quickly found his vision almost entirely occupied by the face of an exhausted and frustrated woman framed by pink curls as he felt fingers dig into his shirt and apron. “AT THIS RATE, I MIGHT SNAP AND STRANGLE SOMEONE!”

Wally gulped. “Well…Does he have any experience?”

“Uhhh…” A confused looking female customer with red hair and freckles interrupted, staring at the seen in front of her.

“What?” Dan asked curtly.

“Erm…One Cranberry Nut Muffin, please?” The woman responded.

“Right away, ma’am.” Wally responded as he began a flustered search through the display case.

Dan rolled his eyes and pushed Wally out of the way. “You’re embarrassing yourself!” Dan declared. He took a quick glance at the contents of the display case, and fished out a muffin dotted with red berries and slivers of nuts. He handed the muffin to the woman who held out a few dollars. Pinkie happily took the money and quickly made change in the register.

Wally adjusted his glasses and looked at Dan. “You knew what it looked like?”

“Gee! I wonder!” Dan responded irately. “I’ve only helped Pinkie bake a few hundred times. Plus I can actually eat those, since there’s no milk. Just two cups flour, three quarters cup brown sugar, two teaspoons baking powder, two large eggs, two thirds cups orange juice, one third cup vegetable oil, one cup chopped cranberries, and a cup of chopped pecans.”

Pinkie and Wally paused and simply stared at Dan as a smile slowly established itself on Pinkie’s blank face.

“Chocolate cupcake ingredients.” Pinkie stated simply.

“The filling, the cupcake, or the frosting?” Dan asked. “Because the cupcakes are three ounces bittersweet chocolate, one third cup Dutch-processed cocoa powder, three quarters…”

Pinkie’s grin widened as she held up a hand to silence Dan. “My rainbow frosting.”

“Oh, uh…You use one and one half sticks of unsalted butter, a pound of confectioner’s sugar, and two tablespoons of milk for the white frosting then you color it with, pomegranate juice for red, carrot juice for orange, ground turmeric for yellow, spinach juice for green, blue berry juice for blue, grape juice for purple, and a combination of grape juice and pomegranate juice for violetGAHK!”

Dan suddenly felt himself in a crushing embrace.

“Dan! You wonderful, incredible human being, you!” Pinkie said exuberantly as she squeezed her roomie. She broke the embrace to place fingertips on either side of Dan’s face as she stared into his green eyes. “You memorized all my recipes!”

“I uh…I guess I did.” Dan replied in mildly surprised tone.

Pinkie turned back to Wally. “HIRE HIM!” She demanded.

Wally put on a pensive expression. “You’ll keep him from assaulting the customers?”

Pinkie smiled and nodded vigorously. “Promise!”

Wally sighed. “If you’re sure…”

“I’m surer than I have ever been of anything in my entire life!” Pinkie declared.  She quickly turned towards the kitchen “C’mon, Dan! We haveGHK!” Pinkie felt her shirt color tighten around her neck as Dan reached up and snagged her collar as she tried to walk away.

Dan grabbed her by the arms and quickly spun her around to face him. He reached up to her face, putting a hand on either cheek and pulled her head down a few inches so she was staring him in the eye on a level plane.

“I’LL bake.” Dan insisted. “You can work the register.”

“But, I…” Pinkie protested.

“Your hair is in shambles, your hands are a mess, and you look like you’re about to collapse!” Dan stated forcefully. “Now are you going to sit here and fill orders, or am I going to have to chain you to the counter?”

Pinkie frowned. “Alright, Dan.” She responded, she smiled as she placed her hands on Dan’s and slowly lowered them off her cheeks. “Now get in the kitchen and start baking! We need more…everything!”

Dan paused. “Everything?”

Pinkie nodded as her eyes widened and she put on a serious expression. “Ev-ree-thing!”

Dan sighed. “Alright, Wally. You’re with me.”

“I am?” Wally asked.

“I can’t eat over half this stuff and there are CARS lining up to get here!” Dan explained in an irritated tone.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed, looking out into the packed dining area with despair.

“Yes!” Dan pointed at Wally. “So you’re helping me bake,” he turned and pointed to Pinkie, “and you’re not to move from that spot until I say otherwise, got it?”

Pinkie sighed and nodded. “Yes, sir.” She replied.

Dan gave her a small smile. “Good.” He turned back to Wally. “Come on! We apparently have some everything to bake.”

Wally wordlessly followed Dan into the kitchen.

**

“Alright you two,” Wally said walking out of the office, “you can take a break.”

Dan looked up from the display case as he added another Rainbow colored cupcake to it.

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief and wiped sweat from her forehead with her shirt sleeve, Wally took her place at the register.

“You’re done getting over your fake heart attack?” Dan asked with a furrowed brow.

“Uh…yeah…” Wally responded, dabbing at his forehead with his handkerchief. “And it looks like we’re finally ahead of the rush.”

“Do we have a first-aid kit?” Dan asked.

Pinkie and Wally looked at Dan quizzically.

“Yes, it’s in the office.” Wally answered.

“Alright, I’ll get it.” He turned to Pinkie. “You! Kitchen sink!” He ordered.

“Uh, sure Dan.” She responded.

Pinkie walked into the kitchen in the back where she waited patiently.

Dan soon entered carrying a small first aid kit. He set it on the counter next to the sink. “Alright, fess up, what did you do to your hands?”

Pinkie winced. “I kinda grabbed a tray out of the oven without using an oven mitt or a cloth…”

Dan fixed her with a stare.

Pinkie looked to the side pensively. “Erm…like…six or seven times.”

Dan smacked his palm against his forehead. “You really are hopeless, sometimes, you know that.”

Pinkie’s expression changed to a pout. “Sorry! We were really busy and I was doing so many things at once and I sort of forgot I needed to protect my hands.”

“How can you forget that six or seven times?!” Dan exclaimed.

“Well, I’ve only had them for a few months!” Pinkie said, waving her hands about.

Dan sighed, and turned on the sink, “Also, Band-aids? You can’t just wrap adhesive strips around burns, you numbskull!”

“I was in a hurry!” Pinkie protested.

Dan grabbed Pinkie’s wrists with his hands and ran them under the cool running water.

Pinkie winced as the water hit her hand, but then relaxed slightly as the water dulled the throbbing pain.

“Not going to lie, this is probably going to suck.” Dan stated as he started tugging at a soggy Band-Aid.

Pinkie whimpered as Dan began removing bandages, rubbing her hands with the cool water and cleaning her splotchy, red skin as he went. To Pinkie’s surprise, after a while she found herself enjoying the attention and contact, as painful as it was.

“Thank you, Dan.” Pinkie said softly. “I’m not sure what I’d do without you…”

“Probably die in a gutter somewhere.” Dan responded.

Pinkie giggled. “Sounds about right.”

Dan removed Pinkie’s now clean hands and began gently toweling them off with some paper towels. Dan sighed, “I can’t even leave you alone for a few hours without you making a mess of yourself.”

Pinkie pouted, but it slowly gave way to a small smile, “I’ll guess you’ll just have to keep an eye on me at all times, then. Won’t you?”

Dan began slowly wrapping one of Pinkie’s hand in gauze. “I guess I can live with that,” Dan said, slowly looking up into Pinkie’s big, sky-blue eyes with a smile.

Pinkie felt her heart flutter as she stared back into Dan’s green eyes, “Dan, I…”

Dan placed an index finger on Pinkie’s lips. “You talk too much,” he said, leaning up slightly towards Pinkie’s face.

Pinkie felt her face go warm as she closed her eyes leaned in close and…

“Hey, Guys! Could you tell me where the bathroom is? I’m a little lost.”

Dan and Pinkie synchronized turning and fixing their interruption with an angry glare. “CHRIS!” They both shouted.

“Uh…sorry…am I interrupting something?”

Dan grumbled irritably, “Why are you still here?!”

Chris frowned. “When Pinkie grabbed you, I decided I wanted some cupcakes!” he explained.

“That was over an hour ago!” Dan exclaimed.

“Well…waiting in line made me hungrier than I thought, so I had to get more!” Chris said.

Dan’s face flushed red with rage as his mouth contorted angrily.

Pinkie pointed towards the door behind Chris. “Out that door,” She pointed left, “to the left”, She made a walking like motion with her index and middle finger with her now gauze covered fingers, “Down the hall, the door will be right there.” She answered

Chris smiled. “Thanks Pinkie.” He quickly looked at Dan and flashed him a thumbs up and goofy smile before disappearing out the door.

“And that’s where they’ll find your body.” Pinkie added cryptically, slowly walking after Chris. She stopped when she felt a tug on her wrist.

“Hold up, killer, I still need to wrap up one of your hands, then you can go kill my best friend.”

Pinkie stopped and turned around. “Sorry Dan, I guess I shouldn’t lose my head like…”

“I wasn’t joking,” Dan responded with a small devilish smile.

Pinkie chuckled, “You know what? I think I can let Chris go.” She placed her wrapped hand on Dan’s cheek and leaned in. “His mistake is easy to fix,” Pinkie purred.

Dan frowned, “Something is going to happen.”

Pinkie paused and blinked a few times, “What?”

“Something always happens, it’s like there’s some sort of malevolent force out there that’s toying with us for its own, sick, twisted amusement,” Dan observed.

Pinkie thought about this for a second, glared into open air and mouthed an angry ‘Forever’. She sighed, and turned back to Dan with a smile, “Well…it couldn’t hurt to try, right?”

Dan smiled and leaned up again, his face almost touching Pinkie’s. “I guess not,” He murmured, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke.

Pinkie gasped and…

Screams erupted from the dining area.

Pinkie smacked her hand against her forehead. “OWIE!” she exclaimed as she slammed her burnt and raw skin against her face.

Dan quickly grabbed Pinkie’s hand and began running it under cool water, again.

Wally appeared in the doorway this time. “I uh…hate to cut your break short, but apparently there’s a horde of giant radioactive hamsters terrorizing the neighborhood,” He explained, toweling away at his forehead with a drenched handkerchief.

Dan sighed. “Radioactive hamsters, got it. We’ll be right there,” He responded with disinterest.

Pinkie gave a soft whimper. “This can’t go on forever, right, right?!” she asked.

“Well, I’m sure the hamsters will move on, eventually,” Wally responded.

“I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT!” Pinkie responded shrilly.

Dan pondered this for a moment, staring at the ceiling briefly. “Maybe something needs to happen first,” Dan mused.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow.,“Like what?”

Dan shrugged, “We’ll figure it out, soon, I’m sure.”

Pinkie exhaled, “We better, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take!”

“Uh…” Wally began, “I don’t want to be a killjoy but…”

Dan motioned out to Wally in a ‘shoo, shoo’ fashion. “Just go hide under the desk in the office or something. Let me finish wrapping up Pinkie’s hands and I’ll go scream angrily at the hamsters and hit them with a rolled up newspaper or something.”

“You think that’ll work?” Pinkie asked.

“I have a lot of anger at the moment,” Dan replied, “and I’ve found rolled up paper surprisingly effective against large, furry beasts.”

“I like the plan, because I get to hide,” Wally explained before dashing out of view.

Dan pulled Pinkie’s hand out of the water and began toweling it off, again. “Wanna help me scream at creatures created by man’s hubris at playing God with, small, furry rodents?” Dan asked. “I bet we can still get Chris out of the bathroom and force him to play distraction.” Dan added.

Pinkie’s smile finally returned. “You know what? That does sound like fun.” She replied. “Bandage me up and lets go kick some hamster tail and watch Chris run around and scream like a scared little girl.”

Dan smiled as he began wrapping Pinkie’s hand in gauze. “That’s the spirit.”

***

Pinkie and Dan wearily pulled themselves up the stairs to the apartment, they each had an arm draped over the other’s shoulders as if they were simultaneously trying to help and get support from the other. Dan laboriously gripped the railing dragging the two roommates up and Pinkie placed a gauze covered hand on the wall, doing the same.

“Stupid baking, stupid hamsters, stupid paperwork…” Dan mumbled exhaustedly.

“It’s okay Dan, we’ll get an early start on baking tomorrow.” She smiled at Dan. “I’m sure with both of us working together, it won’t be so bad.” She added hopefully.

Dan sighed as the two made it up to the walkway and continued towards the apartment. “How early is ‘early’.” He asked.

Pinkie’s smile went pensive. “Well…the bakery opens at seven am, and we’ll want a few hours to get started, soo…”

“WHAT?!”

“It’s okay! I’ll show up early!” Pinkie suggested. “You can get some rest!”

Dan glanced at the gauze covered hand resting on his shoulder. “And what? Show up to find you burned your lips because you grabbed a tray with your mouth, or caught your hair in a cake-mixer? I don’t think so.” Dan said, fishing his keys out of his pocket and unlocking the apartment door. “I’m coming even if you have to drag me there.”

Pinkie giggled. “If you insist.”

Dan nodded. “I do insist…though, you might really have to drag me…” He added, opening the door.

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed excitedly and bounded up to greet Dan and Pinkie.

Dan and Pinkie walked over to the couch. Dan leaned down and deposited Pinkie onto the blue cushions and stood up. “Alright, I’ll feed Mr. Mumbles and make us some dinner.” Dan declared.

“Uh…what do I do?” Pinkie asked.

“You just sit there and look adorable.” Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie expression changed to surprise and she blushed slightly. “Well, someone is being a Mr. nicey nice pants, today.”

“Eh, you earned it. You worked hard today.” Dan responded.

“Not any harder than you!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“You also burned the heck out of your hands.” Dan reminded.

Pinkie raised her gauze covered hands in front of her face. “Oh…right…” She said with a nervous smile.

*One fed cat and two fed humans later.*

Dan deposited a couple dishes and some flatware in the sink, walked back to the couch, and sat down as Pinkie wasted no time and plopping her head down on his lap, smiling with an exhausted expression up at Dan, a smile that widened as Dan mirrored it and began brushing pink, curly strands away from her face.

“Bed?” Dan offered.

“I think I’m fine here.” Pinkie responded sleepily.

“Me, too.” Dan responded with a soft smile. “Though, waking up might be problematic without an alarm.”

Pinkie reached into one of her pockets and pulled out her phone, she turned it on, swiped the screen a few times with a thin, pink nail polished finger wrapped in white gauze, tapped the screen a few times, and set it on the crate that served as a coffee table. “There, now neither of us needs to move.”

Dan chuckled. “I still need to get up to turn off the lights, at least.”

Pinkie reached into her pockets again and pulled out a collection of various colorful and cute looking key chains all grouped together in a large mass. She eyed the light switch next to the apartment door and lobbed the weighty metal and plastic mass at it, hitting it, and successfully catching the switch. The lights went out leaving the two in the dark of the small apartment.

“Nice shot,” Dan commented.

“Thanks,” Pinkie yawned out.

Dan ran a hand through Pinkie’s long hair briefly. He gave his hand a tug and frowned in the darkness.

“Uh…Pinkie? I think I’m stuck…”

Pinkie’s gentle snoozing was his only reply.

Dan sighed and shook his head.

Great. Looks like I’m stuck here for the night…

He felt Pinkie turn and nuzzle into him, raising her hands, resting one under her head and gently resting one on his stuck hand.

Dan smiled to himself.

I guess that’s not so bad…

“Hey, Pinkie?” Dan called, making sure she was fast asleep more than anything.

“Zzzzzzz,” was Pinkie’s response.

“I love you.” Dan whispered into the darkness, smiling to himself as the gentle snores of the woman sleeping on his lap slowly lulled him to sleep.

Part 7 Dan Vs. Love: Chapter 44 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Employment

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7 Dan Vs. Love  Chapter 44 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Employment

***

Chris slowly pushed open the door to his house and stepped inside.

“Hey, sweetie,” Elise began, “where have you be…CHRIS?! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!” Elise asked in an alarmed tone from the couple’s blue couch.

Chris walked over to the couch, and sat down. His clothes were ripped and full of ragged holes. “Hi, honey. Giant radioactive hamsters tried to chew my clothes off at the bakery Dan and Pinkie work at.” Chris explained.

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah, Dan and Pinkie said their neighbor probably had a hand in their crea…”

“No, not the hamsters.” Elise qualified, waving a hand about. “Dan has a job?!” Elise asked in a shocked tone.

“Uh, yeah.” Chris responded. “He’s trying to get money so he can buy Pinkie a birthday present.”

“DAN IS TRYING TO BUY PINKIE SOMETHING WITH HIS OWN MONEY?!”

“That was about my reaction.” Chris responded waving an index finger. “It’s part of some scheme to make Pinkie fall in love with him.” Chris explained.

“Oh, really~?” Elise cooed.

 Chris sighed. “Now I’m the only one without a job.”

Elise smiled and shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. Why don’t you try helping Dan?”

Chris paused. “You’re encouraging me to hang out with Dan in favor of getting a job?” He asked with a raised eyebrow

“Sure!” Elise stated. “I’m sure he could really use the help!” She said raising her eyebrows with a smile.

“This is because of your shipping obsession with those two, isn’t it?” Chris asked flatly.

 “Uh…yeaaah…” Elise admitted with a nervous smile.

Chris smiled. “Do I get bakery spending money?” He asked with a smile.

Elise reached into her pocket, pulled out her wallet, grabbed a sizeable wad of bills, and handed them to Chris.

Chris knitted his brow together as he took the sizable amount of cash. “You really want to see those two together, don’t you?”

“I really do!” Elise responded with an embarrassed, toothy smile. “Oh, when’s Pinkie’s birthday?”

“May 3rd” Chris responded. “There’s a party, of course.”

Elise guffawed. “How could there not be?” Elise thought for a second. “Hmmm…we’ll need to get Pinkie something nice, but not as nice as whatever Dan’s getting her.”

“Well, that won’t be hard.” Chris explained. “Dan found an eight-hundred dollar mirror at the Antique Mall and insists it’s the perfect gift for Pinkie.”

“…Seriously? Eight-hundred? Like…an eight with two zeros behind it?” Elise asked in disbelief.

Chris nodded.

“Wow…I doubt Dan’s ever spent that much money on himself, let alone someone else.” Elise pondered this for a moment. “He’s…he’s actually, really in love with her, isn’t he?” She asked, turning back to her husband.

“As much love as Dan is capable of, it would seem…” Chris responded.

“Huh…but why a mirror, you think?”

Chris shrugged. “I don’t know, but it had a butterfly on it…I think it’s sort of Dan’s thing with Pinkie…”

Elise smiled. “When the heck did Dan learn how to be sweet?!” She asked rhetorically.

“I know, right?” Chris responded. “He’s like…okay, well almost exactly the same guy, still…but somehow capable of human warmth and emotion…at least for Pinkie.”

Elise chuckled and stood up. “Well, Mr. Giant Hamster Attack Victim, I think someone’s earned themselves a gallon of ice-cream.”

Chris smiled as Elise leaned down and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

“With whipped cream?!” Chris asked excitedly as Elise walked off towards the kitchen.

Elise rolled her eyes with a smile. “Alright, honey.”

“And a side of bacon?!” Chris added.

Elise turned, still smiling. “Don’t push it.” She said.

“Heh,” Chris responded. “A man’s gotta try…”

***

Two sets of bloodshot eyes slammed open in the dark as Pinkie’s smartphone began emitting a high pitched, irritating noise.

Dan’s impulse was to reach out and throw the offending device far, far away. An impulse made difficult by the fact that his hand was still tangled in Pinkie’s hair.

Pinkie’s impulse was to grab it and simply shut it off. However, as she turned her body around to face the phone, Dan’s hand and the rest of him followed.

Two sets of eyes widened in alarm as the bodies attached to the eyes fell off the couch into a heap on the floor.

‘THUMP’

Pinkie untangled herself from Dan and untangled his hand from her hair, then stood up; grabbing her phone in the process and turning the alarm off.

“Pinkie…” Dan moaned out. “I’m pretty sure this is a time I should going to bed, not getting up.” Dan responded from the floor, raising an index finger.

Pinkie yawned. “I know Dan. Why don’t you grab a change of clothes and a shower? I’ll make you some punch and breakfast.” She added.

Dan picked himself up and began walking to the bedroom. “Fine.” He grumbled out. “If you hear a loud thump from the bathroom, please come investigate, I’m most likely passed out in the shower.”

Pinkie giggled. “Sure, Dan.”

Dan turned to Pinkie with red, bleary eyes. “No, seriously.” He insisted. “I’ve fought mythological creatures, a super villain, a superhero, and giant monsters created by science gone horrible wrong and/or right. I don’t want” –Dan air quoted—“‘Died because he fell asleep in the shower and drowned’ to be my epitaph.”

Pinkie continued to smile and nodded. “Of course, Dan.”

*

“Oh YEAH!” Dan exclaimed, setting down the nearly empty glass on the kitchen table. Dark red ooze still clung to the sides. “Look out, world! Dan’s up and he’s coming straight for your throat!” He announced, sitting down at the plywood covered foosball table that served as the two roommate’s dining table.

“I sure hope that involves eating sunny-sidee-eggies, toast, and making lots of cupcakes and muffins this morning.” Pinkie stated, placing a plate of food and a glass of orange juice in front of Dan. “I don’t think I can manage violence or property destruction at this hour.”

 Dan smiled and shrugged. “Attacking the world’s jugular can take many forms.” He replied.

Pinkie smiled and planted a quick peck on Dan’s cheek as she reached down to hold his hands, hers still wrapped in gauze. She gave Dan a warm smile. “Hey, I meant to say something last night, but I fell asleep…thank you so much for doing this. It really means the world to me.”

Dan grinned, leaned forward, and gave Pinkie a peck on her own cheek, causing her to blush.

“Sure Pinkie. My pleasure. Just try to keep the stupidity to a level that doesn’t require medical attention, alright?”

Pinkie nodded. “I’m sure you’ll keep me from getting into too much trouble.” Pinkie paused. “Wow, that sounded really weird, somehow…” She mused as she walked towards the couch, grabbed a neatly folded pair of jeans, her white and red striped shirt, and a matching pink set of underwear she had left out for herself before entering the bathroom and closing the door behind her.

Dan grinned evilly to himself as he heard the sound of running water coming from the bathroom.

“You may think I’m doing this for you,” Dan said to himself, “but I’m really doing this so I can buy you the best birthday gift ever and make you fall head over heels in love with me. And when that’s finally done, and you’re consumed with thoughts and feelings for me, I’ll go in for the kill and all your delectable smoochees will be mine!” Dan threw his hands up and cackled madly.  “MUHAHAHAHAHA…” His expression turned confused as he rubbed his chin. “Wow that…uh…that sounded a lot more malevolent in my head…”

***

“Phew!” Pinkie placed the last muffin in the display case and wiped sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand. A white, slightly frosting smudged apron hung over her striped shirt and jeans.

Dan leaned against the counter on the dining area side and looked down at the massive amounts of baked goods the two had made.  His own apron notably dirtier.

“Well…that should last us at least the first few hours.” Dan commented. “Then we can both take turns frantically screaming and praying for a merciful death that will never come.”

“I’m sure it won’t be that bad!” Pinkie exclaimed. “And besides!” Pinkie smile hopefully. “Now both of us are here! We should be able to handle another day like yesterday no problem!” She insisted.

“Pinkie, you goofball,” Dan began, “you didn’t open up until mid-afternoon yesterday because you were still getting ready. Now, smarty pony, you’ve worked at a bakery before. When are they usually the busiest?”

Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Late mornings and early afternoons…” Pinkie sighed as she rested her arms on the counter and slumped her head onto them. “We’re both going to die here, aren’t we?”

“Yep, pretty much.” Dan responded.

“Hey, guys.” Wally said walking out of the office with a sheet of paper. “I made a work schedule.”

Dan and Pinkie turned around and took a look at the calendar in Wally’s hand.

Pinkie’s eye twitched and she gritted her teeth together hard for a split second.

“Uh…Wally?” Dan began. “I don’t mean to be nitpicky, but I’m pretty sure you could have saved yourself some time and just shackled Pinkie and I to the kitchen.”

“Sorry, you two.” Wally said, adjusting his glasses. “I’ll try to hire on more staff right away.”

Dan threw out his forearms and held his hands up at shoulder level as he shot an irritated glance into the wall. “Why does it have to take so long?! You hired Pinkie and me on the spot!”

“Well…yes, but I was under the influence of a cupcake for the former and under duress for the later.”

“Look! Just go out there and find some hobos, anything!” Dan insisted.

“Dan,” Pinkie began, “all the homeless in the immediate vicinity are either in the hospital or off spending their huge piles of money.” She reminded.

“Ghah!” Dan growled out in a frustrated tone. “Hoisted by my own generous, bone shattering petard!”

“Sorry, Dan.” Wally offered. “Hiring people isn’t as easy as just picking up a couple people off the street.” He insisted.

“Sure it is!” Dan countered. “Here, watch!”

“Uh…”

Pinkie and Wally watched as Dan walked towards the entrance of the store, opened it, and welcomed in two early morning customers who had lined up outside already.

Dan escorted a blond haired, dreadlocked man wearing pink glasses, a green shirt, a purple vest, khakis, and flip-flops, with his arm in a sling; and a blond haired, crocked-eyed, yellow irised woman wearing a blue button-up shirt under a light blue short sleeved shirt, yellow tie, green skirt, white socks, and sandals.

“Dude, are you opening early?” Crunchy enquired.

“Better!” Dan said with smile. “Hiring!”

“Seriously? Whoa, killer.” Crunchy responded.

The blonde haired woman gasped. “Does this mean I get an employee discount on muffins?!”

“Dan! We really can’t just randomly hire people!” Wally insisted. “What if they already have jobs?!”

“They lined up in front of a bakery at a time when any sensible person is asleep.” Dan pointed out. “I’m guessing a job wasn’t on the daily schedule.”

“Sir, that is very unkind…” Crunchy responded, holding up an index finger. “…If true.” he added.

The blond haired woman merely shrugged. “Well, he’s got my number  there.”

Wally gave an exasperated sigh. “But there are supposed to be résumés, background checks, and drug tests…”

Dan shrugged. “Desperate times.” He stated. “And we’re probably better off not drug testing the dirty hippy anyways…” He added.

Crunchy chuckled nervously.

 Wally turned to Pinkie. “Are we desperate?” He asked, raising an eyebrow above his glasses.

Pinkie cocked her head and looked at him with wide eyes. “Very.” She answered.

Wally sighed. “Alright, I guess you two are hired.”

“Yay!” The blonde haired woman responded.

“Groovy.” Crunchy replied.

The woman motioned to herself. “My name is…”

“Your names are now ‘Dirty Hippie’ and ‘I don’t care’.” Dan said motioning out at the new hires. “You are now faceless conscripts of the bakery wars.” He declared.

“Dan, his name is ‘Crunchy’.” Pinkie informed, motioning out to the dreadlocked man in pink glasses. “We just saw him a few days ago, remember?”

“Pffft…” Dan waved a dismissive hand. “I’m sure I would have remembered that.”

“Yeah,” Wally began, “he seems like the sort of guy it would be hard to forget if you’ve seen him before.”

Crunchy smiled and put his hands on his hips proudly. “I do tend to make an impression.”

Pinkie folded her arms and rolled her eyes.

“I can be ‘dirty hippy’!” The woman responded happily, waving her hand about in a ‘pick me, pick me!’ fashion.

“Oooo! Oooo! And we can call you D.H. for short!” Pinkie responded happily.

 “Yay!”

“Oh, whatever!” Dan responded. “What’s-her-name is gonna have to be tough if she doesn’t want to die on the front lines.”

Crunchy and D.H. exchanged worried glances. “We can’t really die from doing this, right?” Crunchy asked. The two turned to Pinkie for confirmation.

Pinkie merely shrugged. “You might.”

“Whoa, total buzz kill…” Crunchy responded. “Suddenly, I’m having second thoughts.”

Dan reached into the display case and grabbed two oatmeal muffins, and held them up.

“I’ll give you each a tasty muffin if you join~.” Dan offered in a sing song tone.

Crunchy eagerly took the muffin. “I am no longer having second thoughts.” He announced.

D.H. quickly grabbed her own muffin and happily munched it in a few quick bites.

“Alright, you two.” Wally said motioning to his new hires. “I need you two to fill out some forms before we open.”

Crunchy and D.H. went walked behind the counter and followed him into the office, D.H. tripping over her own feet along the way.

Dan turned to face Pinkie. “There, am I great, or am I great?”

Pinkie beamed and leaned forward to plant a small kiss on Dan’s cheek. “You’re the greatest.” She pulled back her head and smiled. “I’m sure today won’t be nearly as bad as yesterday!”

*Several hours later*

D.H. made an alarmed sound as a customer bumped into her in the crowded dining area, she threw a tray full of cupcakes into the sky and soon the colorful baked goods were raining down upon the unsuspecting bakery patrons.

“I take it back.” Pinkie stated. A cupcake hit the register in front of her and sprayed colorful frosting all over her and Dan’s faces. “It’s pretty bad!” She added.

Dan grumbled as he wiped frosting off his face. Pinkie stuck her tongue out, extended it to the far reaches of her face, and rotated it in a clockwise fashion, quickly consuming any frosting that had landed on her.

“Wow…that was amazing…in the most disgusting way possible.” Dan mused.

“Thank you!” Pinkie responded with a smile.

“Hey, Dan! Hey, Pinkie!” Chris said as he approached the register.

“Hey again, Chris!” Pinkie responded cheerfully.

“Chris, are you just hanging out at the bakery?!” Dan exclaimed.

“I’m hungry again!” Chris insisted.

“You’re perpetually hungry!” Dan countered. “You’re like a black hole that just consumes anything that gets too close.”

“Dan, be nice!” Pinkie insisted. “Chris is a customer and we should treat him as such!”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “What makes you think I don’t treat the other customers this way?”

“Uhh…Touché.” Pinkie responded, she turned to Chris. “So, what can we getcha?”

Chris smiled. “I’ll have two rainbow cupcakes, a honey lemon cupcake, two chocolate muffins, and a Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness cupcake.”

Pinkie smiled and quickly dove below the counter and into the display case. She quickly surfaced with a small tray full of treats. “Two rainbows, a honey lemon, two cocoa muffins, and a MMMMM.”

Dan took Chris’s money and made change at the register. “MMMMM?” He asked.

“Mini Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, of course!” Pinkie answered.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Of course.”

“Heh, no flip-flop this time in the MMMMM, eh?” Chris commented.

Dan and Pinkie glanced at each other then back to Chris.

“A flip-flop?” Dan asked. “As in…an entire sandal?”

“Yeaaah…” Chris responded. “…It seemed a bit weird, and it made the cupcake really chewy, but it was still really, really good!” He said with a goofy grin.

The joy in Pinkie’s face suddenly dove into an ocean of surprise. “Chris?! Did you eat an entire shoe that somehow got baked into a cupcake?!”

“Baked and frosted over!” Dan added. “Maybe I should keep a closer eye on the new meat…” He said, tapping an index finger against his chin.

“What!” Chris protested. “I’d never eaten an MMMMM before! I just thought that’s how it came!” He insisted. “Also, it was a flip-flop! Way easier to eat than an entire shoe!” He added.

“Hey, dudes and dudette…have any of you seen my flip-flop?” Crunchy enquired walking out of the kitchen, one of his feet barer than usual.

“Oh…uh…I think I ate it…” Chris admitted. “Sorry.”

Crunchy shrugged and smiled. “It’s all good, bra. I’m sure you can give it back in a few hours.”

Pinkie and Dan exchanged worried looking expressions.

“Hey!” D.H. called out. “Has anyone seen my sandal…or sock? I had them when I was baking, but now they’re gone! I don’t know what went wrong…”

Chris grinned nervously and turned to Dan and Pinkie. “I’m guessing the raspberry muffins also don’t come with a sandal, or the banana nut muffins with a sock.”

 Dan smacked a palm against his forehead.

“Dan?” Pinkie asked, shocked expression still glued to her face as she turned to her roomie. “I’m going to go bang my head against the break room wall until I forget this whole experience. Wanna come? It’ll be fun!” She said happily. “Aaand amnesia inducey!”

Dan extended an elbow. “Short term memory loss? I’m there.”

Pinkie gleefully looped an arm around Dan’s elbow.

Dan looked at Crunchy. “Hey, Cripple, can you run out orders with only one hand?”

“Yes, sir!” Crunchy saluted with his unslung arm and hand. “I won’t let you down, sir!”

Dan rolled his eyes, “I’m sure you will, but hop to it anyway.” He turned towards the dining room area. “Hey! Girl whose name I actually don’t know nor care about!” Dan called out.

D.H. turned and walked towards the register, bumping into customers, chairs, and tables as she went. “Yes, Dan?”

“You can work the register since it seems walking and carrying something at the same time is too tall an order.”

“Aye, aye Captain Dan!” D.H. responded with a crooked salute, crooked eyes, and crooked smile.

“Wally!” Dan called out towards the back.

“Uh, yes Dan?” Wally called from the office.

“I’m leaving Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber to run things while Pinkie and I take a break.” Dan called out. “This involves literally breaking the walls of the break room while we smash our heads against it.”

“Oh my…” Wally responded.

“Yeah…so you might want to come out here and keep an eye on these two…or just…pray to a deity of some sort…” Dan added, grinning at Pinkie who mirrored the smile as the two walked into the back, arm in arm.

**

“Uhh…are you two done?” Wally asked, looking over his two employees who sat on a simple, narrow cushioned bench against the wall, hand in hand; their faces had matching vacant eyes, matching forehead wounds with small trickles of blood that dribbled down their faces, and matching giant, toothy smiles.

Pinkie turned, towards Wally, though her eyes remained distant and unfocused. “Done doing what, Wally?”

“Uh…Beating your heads against the wall…I noticed the thumping stopped.” Wally motioned out to the large concave holes in the small break room wall that had fresh blood caked in the center.

“Is that what we came here to do?” Dan asked, smile still plastered on his face. “I don’t remember…”

Pinkie shook her head. “Me neither! But I think I feel a lot better somehow!” She added.

“Me too, Pinkie! Me too…” Dan responded.

“Riiight…” Wally responded, slightly unnerved by the scene in front of him. “Could you two maybe…wash your faces…and bake?” He asked tentatively. “And stay, far, far away from the front counter?” He added. “We’re beginning to run low on everything, again. Also, I keep getting complaints of people finding clothing in their orders.”

Pinkie enthusiastically rose to her feet, bringing Dan up with her. “Bake! Yes! That thing I came here to do! I can do that!”

“And I like the idea of not having to talk to anyone.” Dan added cheerily.

Wally breathed a sigh of relief as Dan and Pinkie walked past him, Pinkie’s gauze wrapped hand still firmly holding Dan’s. “Thanks, you two.” He said.

“No problem!” Pinkie said joyfully. “No problem at all.”

Wally grabbed his handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbed at his forehead.

Why is it that the explosive business somehow seemed safer?

*

“So!” Dan asked, as he added a couple eggs to a mixing bowl. “Has the cavernous hole in your soul been filled yet?”

Pinkie giggled. “Overfilled, in fact.” She answered as she placed a cherry atop a rainbow frosted cupcake. “Still! I’m happy I can drag you kicking and screaming into my world for a change…”

Pinkie gasped as she felt hands slowly brush against her sides and arms encircle her abdomen, quickly followed by a body pressed against her back and a head leaning against hers.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Dan whispered into Pinkie’s ear.

Pinkie blushed a luminescent shade of red and placed her bandaged hands on Dan’s. “Dan?” She asked sweetly.

“Yes, Pinkie?”

“Is the back of my shirt now covered in flour and frosting?” She asked, maintaining her sweet tone.

Dan chuckled. “Unquestionably.” He answered.

Pinkie turned in Dan’s grip and raised a hand to his cheek. “And what do you intend to do about that?” She asked, batting sultry eyes at Dan.

Dan grinned wide. “I suppose I could always take it off for you.”

Pinkie leaned in closer. “I suppose I could always let you…” She responded.

“Uh, hey guys?” Crunchy asked from the kitchen entrance.

Pinkie groaned loudly as Dan let go of her and turned, scrunching his eyes and brow together as far they could possibly go and holding the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

“YES, Cripple…what is it?” Dan asked, as an angry, veiny eye shot open and shot laser beams of hate in the Hippies direction.

“I was on the phone with this dude, and he wanted to know if we took big orders or not, and I sorta just said ‘yes’…” Cruncy said, holding out a piece of paper.

Dan snatched the paper. “Great! Now, be gone, minion! Less I feed you to the sharkticons!” Dan threatened in a dramatic tone.

“Aye, aye sir!” Crunchy said, disappearing out of the kitchen once more.

“We have sharkticons?” Pinkie asked, giggling to herself.

“I’m working on it!” Dan insisted.

Pinkie took a glance at the paper in Dan’s hand and her smile plummeted into a watery pit where it was frantically consumed by the sharkticons of alarm and concern.

“Uh, Dan? There are zeros after some of these numbers…As in more than one.” Pinkie pointed out.

Dan’s angry expression, likewise, was savagely attacked by the same mechanical beasts that had shredded Pinkie’s expression as he looked down at the paper.

“Still just overfilled?” Dan remarked shooting a glare at Pinkie.

Pinkie sighed. “I think the hole is a distant memory under an ocean of crushing fulfillment.”

Dan walked back towards his mixing bowl and began adding ingredients at a fevered pace. “You’re lucky I like you so much.” He muttered angrily.

Pinkie turned back to her cupcakes and began quickly topping them with bright red cherries. “I know.” She said with a smile. “I’m the luckiest girl in the whole world.” She said, smiling at Dan.

Dan’s grumpy expression gave way to a smile.

The things I do for love…

Part 7 Dan Vs. Love: Chapter 46 Dan Vs. His Past

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7 Dan Vs. Love  Chapter 46 Dan Vs. His Past

*****

The digital alarm next to the bed once more emitted a high-pitched, irritating buzzer sound.

Pinkie instinctively dove her hand out to the clock. To her great surprise, there wasn’t another hand there desperately trying to destroy the offending device or throw it out the window.

Pinkie turned the alarm off and threw the covers off her pink pajama clad body.  Also to her great surprise, the bed was empty.

“Dan?” Pinkie called out in a slightly alarmed tone.

“I’m in here!” Dan called out from the apartment’s living room/kitchen area.

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief and walked out of the bedroom.

Hmmm…something smells goood…

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as she stared at massive stack of pancakes Dan had piled on a plate on top of her new folding table.

“Happy breakfast!” Dan announced with a smile.

“Umm…Thanks!” Pinkie offered trying to get over her initial shock.

“I got up at like 2am and made all the G.d. pancakes.” Dan said, staring into the pile blankly.

“2am?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Dan, how much sleep did you actually get?!”

Dan shrugged. “Enough.”

“Do you need me to make you some punch?” Pinkie asked, hints of concern in her voice.

“Naw.” Dan answered simply. He placed a glass of orange juice, an empty plate, flatware, syrup, and butter in front of Pinkie. “I figured you can eat while I take a shower.” Dan stated. “Then I can clean up here when you’re getting washed up.”

Pinkie knitted her brow and smiled meekly at Dan as she took a sizable portion of the pancake stack onto her plate. “Sure Dan, that’s very thoughtful of you.”

What the heck is going on?!

Being nice is one thing, but he just seems so distant…

Pinkie eyed Dan suspiciously as she applied butter to her pancakes and he walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

**

Dan and Pinkie walked quietly over the streetlight lit sidewalk. Pinkie had opted to wear her white button up shirt, black best, denim cut-offs, and a pair of pink flats that displayed her cutie mark on the top of each shoe.

The two walked side by side in silence, unnerving Pinkie further who was used to either Dan bemoaning having to be up at this hour, or enthusiastically babbling on as he rode a massive caffeine high.

“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie said, breaking the silence.

“Yes, Pinkie?” Dan responded.

“Is…ummm…everything all right?”

“Everything is fine, Pinkie.” Dan responded, tone absent from his words, expression absent from his face.

“Okay, well…you just seem…distant.” Pinkie commented.

“Pinkie, I’m right here.”

“You know what I meant!” Pinkie insisted.

Dan paused. “…Look, we’ll talk later, okay?”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Promise?”

Dan nodded. “Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Dan responded, motioning his hand over his heart and placing a palm to his eye.

Pinkie giggled. “Alright, later.” Pinkie smiled softly at Dan. “Just…I’m always here if you need to talk to someone…” Pinkie offered.

Dan smiled weakly and nodded. “Of course, Pinkie.” He resumed his staring blankly into the open space in front of him.

Man, are you going to regret those words later…

***

Pinkie glared up at a few loose strands of hair that had fallen around her eyes. She opened the corner of her mouth and blew a gust of air up  in a feeble attempt to get her hair into place. She continued to rest her cheek against a closed hand and fingers as she stared out from the counter into the crowded dining room area.

“Alright, one dollar, forty-five cents is your change, have a nice day!”

Pinkie pursed her lips slightly and looked over at Dan with mild concern.

Is it wrong that I’m concerned he’s being polite?!

‘Curt’ is usually as nice as he gets with the customers!

He hasn’t even yelled at Crunchy or D.H. once, and D.H. even got her tie tangled up in a cake mixer!

…It’s too quiet here…I miss Dan’s yelling…

“…And two dollars, thirty-five cents is your change, have a nice day.”

“…Dan, did you just tell me to have a nice day?” A surprised Chris asked from in front of the register.

“Sure, why not?” Dan replied.

“Because I’m pretty sure you’ve never told me to have a nice day…ever!” Chris replied.

“First time for everything.” Dan replied simply with a shrug.

Chris fired a concerned looking glance to Pinkie who merely frowned and shrugged.

“Uh, look Dan, talk to you later, okay?” Chris replied.

“Sure, Chris. Have a nice day.”

Chris turned with an expression of equal parts surprise and concerned and walked away with his large order of baked goods.

“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie said.

“Yes, Pinkie?” Dan replied, same empty tone, same blank face.

Pinkie sighed. “Never mind…”

“Sure, Pinkie.”

“AHHH! Watch out.”

As per what seemed to be a daily ritual at this point. D.H. tripped, holding a tray of rainbow colored cupcakes and launching them directly into Dan and Pinkie.

Pinkie turned to Dan as a cupcake slowly slid down and off her face.

A cupcake had nailed Dan right in the forehead, and another on his chest, yet he didn’t react in the slightest.

“I’m, so sorry!” D.H. called out. “I don’t know what went wrong!” She exclaimed, hopping to her feet and holding the now empty tray in front of her in an attempt to shield the coming wrath of Dan.

After several seconds of silence D.H. lowered the tray. “Uh…Dan? Are you okay?” She asked with a touch of concern.

“I’m fine. Why do you ask?” Dan said, turning face and cupcake towards D.H.

Crunchy walked up to the counter from the dining area. “Dude, you seem like a space case today…even to me!” Crunchy said, motioning to himself. “And that’s pretty bad…” He added.

“I’m fine, Crunchy.” Dan replied.

D.H. and Crunchy exchanged shocked glances and gasped.

“Bra, did you just refer to me by name?!” Crunchy exclaimed.

“Sure!” Dan replied. “I mean…it’s your name right! I’d call her by her name, too,” Dan motioned out to D.H. “if I actually knew it.”

D.H.’s crossed eyes widened for a second, “Oh, it’s…”

“Dan?” Pinkie interrupted.

“Yes, Pinkie?”

“You have something on your face…an entire cupcake, in fact.” Pinkie stated.

“Oh?” Dan glanced up to his forehead. “So I do!” He replied. Dan reached up to pull off the cupcake that had smashed against his head. “Huh, wonder how that got there.”

“You also have one smashed against your apron.” Pinkie added.

Dan glanced down and plucked the cupcake off his chest. “Wow! What are the odds of that, I wonder?”

Pinkie, Crunchy, and D.H. all exchanged worried looking glances.

“Hey, Dan? Why don’t you take the rest of the day off and get some rest?” Pinkie asked.

“Why, I feel fine!” Dan insisted.

Pinkie glanced at her co-workers who nodded back to her. “WE would all feel a lot better knowing you got some sleep, okay?”

“Oh…okay then.” Dan replied. “Just let me wash my face. See you back at the apartment?” Dan asked.

Pinkie nodded. “Of course, Dan.”

“Okay then. Bye everyone.”

Pinkie, Crunchy, and D.H. all waved as Dan walked back into the kitchen.

“Uh…what’s wrong with him?” Crunchy asked Pinkie.

Pinkie sighed as she wiped frosting off her face with her hand. “I wish I knew.”

“Did you two have a fight?” D.H. asked.

“No…well…I don’t think so…” Pinkie responded.

“Maybe you should just spend some quiet time alone with him and try to figure out what’s making him upset!” D.H. suggested. “That’s what my husband and I do when…”

Pinkie inhaled a staggering volume of air. “YOU’RE MARRIED?!” She replied.

D.H. smiled a crooked grin and raised her left hand. A golden ring with a giant diamond in the center surrounded by other, smaller diamonds adorned her ring finger.

“Duuude…that’s tubular!” Crunchy commented.

“Holy geez!” Pinkie exclaimed looking at the ring. “What’s your husband do?! That ring must have cost like... multiple fortunes!”

“Oh! Well, he’s a doctor!” D.H. informed.

“Wait, I sorta spaced out there for a second.” Crunchy admitted. “Who’s a doctor?”

“And we have a daughter, too!” D.H. exclaimed happily.

“Nice!” Crunchy commented.

“Oh…yeah! Great! Congratulations!” Pinkie said smiling. Her eyes widened and her smile dropped. “And now I think I need to lay down for a bit.” She turned to Crunchy and D.H. “Try not to wreck too much havoc while I’m gone, okay!” She asked sweetly.

“You can count on us!” Crunchy declared with a salute.

“Aye, Aye, ma’am!” D.H. replied with a crooked salute.

“Wally?” Pinkie called into the back office.

“Yes, Pinkie?” Wally called back.

“I sent Dan home because he was freaking everyone out with how nice he was being.” Pinkie informed.

“Uh…okay..?” Wally responded in a confused tone.

“And now I’m going to lay down for a bit and try to fit some new information into my brain…this may involve blunt trauma…” Pinkie added.

“Oh dear…”

“Yeah so…Crunchy and D.H. are running things…so…”

Wally sighed. “I’ll start praying.” He responded.

“Yeah…I thought as much…” Pinkie said, walking off towards the break room.

How the hayis she married to a doctor?! She can’t even walk ten feet without tripping over her own! AND THEY HAVE A DAUGHTER?! I hope they spent a lot of effort childproofing the house…for bothchild andmother…

*

Dan walked across the bakery parking lot and pulled out his phone, touching the screen a few times and putting the phone up to his ear.

“Hey, Dan.”

“Chris, could you swing by the apartment and pick me up?” Dan asked into the phone. He paused as a couple of headlights shot on and blasted him with light.

“How about I skip going to the apartment and just pick you up, now?” Chris asked.

Dan turned and squinted at the car that had flashed headlights at him.

Chris waved from the driver’s seat.

Dan turned terminated the call and walked over the passenger side of the blue sedan, opened it, and sat down. “Are you just hanging out in the bakery parking lot?” Dan exclaimed, giving Chris a surprised, suspicious look.

Chris shrugged. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Okaaaaay…Why?” Dan responded simply.

“Well…I guess I’m worried about you.”

“Why does everyone keep worrying about me today?! I’m fine!” Dan declared.

“Uh-huh…” Chris responded flatly. “Name five mean…no…not even mean…just rude things you’ve said to anyone today.”

Dan paused. “…Uhhh…”

“Name one!” Chris commanded.

“Alright! Okay! I’m not fine! In fact, I’m pretty damn far from it.” Dan declared.

“So…things didn’t go well with Pinkie, I take it.” Chris said with a concerned tone.

Dan shot him a glare. “For your information things went great with Pinkie! Complete success! Possibly one of my best executed schemes to date!” Dan declared.

“Oh…so…ummm…what’s wrong then?”

“Weren’t you listening?!” Dan yelled, anger finally entering into his face. “It was a scheme! I schemed to get her to love me!” Dan admitted. “Not once did I stop to think about doing anything just to make her happy! It was all just about me! IT’S ALWAYS JUST ABOUT ME!” Dan roared, holding up quaking, frustrating hands and burying his forehead in them.

The car went silent for a bit.

“Not once?” Chris asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Dan looked up and thought about this for a second. “Well…okay…maybe there was once or twice I sorta just thought about how happy Pinkie would be when she saw the mirror and I guess…it sort of made me feel warm inside…” He turned to Chris and leveled an angry index finger. “But don’t you DARE tell anyone I said that!”

Chris chuckled. “My lips are sealed.” Chris put on a wry grin. “So…those nights when Pinkie fell asleep at the bakery and you put her in the break room and snarled at the staff and customers for” –Chris air quoted—‘driving her to the point of exhaustion’, that was you only thinking of yourself, too?” Chris asked.

“I…uhhh…shut up.” Dan offered weakly.

“How’d you get her home those days, anyhow?” Chris asked. “She seemed like she could sleep through an explosion. I mean…she slept through your screaming.”

“I uh…er…carried her home those nights…” Dan admitted sheepishly.

“You…” Chris’s put on a shocked expression.  “You…carried her?! Three blocks?! Up your apartment stairs! Dan! She almost certainly weighs more than you do!!”

“Yes, yes, mostly, and you better not being making fun of her weight or I’ll bleed you dry in your sleep, respectively.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Dan, she’s definitely in better shape than me. Wait...’mostly’?”

Dan answered. “One time I ended up more crawling up the apartment stairs with her on my back.”

“Dan! This is just ridiculous at this point!” Chris declared. “Just tell her how you feel!”

“Oh, because it worked so well the last time I told a woman that!” Dan exclaimed.

Chris paused. “…Don’t tell me you’re hung up on Hortense, still!”

“That’s absurd!” Dan declared.

“Is it Dan? Is it really? Or maybe, it’s because you had a bad experience with telling a girl how you felt. Possibly the only girl you ever really cared for, and now you have to do the same thing again, and you’re scared.”

“Don’t you armchair psychologist me!” Dan yelled at Chris. He sighed. “Look…it’s not what you think…but…I mean…I chose petty vengeance and a trophy over a potential relationship with Becky!” Dan declared. “Be honest…if somehow I did work things out with Hortense…like I don’t know…we made the long distance relationship work…”

“Dan, Hortense was a half an hour drive away.” Chris reminded flatly. “And even so, Pinkie lives in the same three room apartment and shares a bed with you, for crying out loud! You don’t get any closer than that!”

“Chris, shut up for a minute and hear me out.” Dan requested.

“Alright, shutting up now.” Chris responded.

“Say…Hortense and I did make things work…or even if she dumped that burger mogul for me…how long do you really think she would have put up with me?”

Chris was silent.

“Well?!” Dan asked. “I’m waaaaaiiiting!”

“Oh, sorry…I thought you were being rhetorical…” Chris responded.

“Well, I wasn’t!” Dan qualified irritably.

“…”

“HELLO, CHRIS?! ANSWER, NIMROD!”

“Just…hold up a second, I’m working it out…uh…assuming it was an average rate of vendettas for a given period…carry the three…Four months, three weeks, three days...” Chris answered.

“See! There you…” Dan began.

“…five hours.” Chris added.

“…go.” Dan finished, knitting his brow and frowning.

“If you have a calculator handy, I could probably give you the minutes and seconds.” Chris said.

“Chris…if I had a calculator, I would shove it down your throat to clog your esophagus!” Dan replied, growling out the word ‘esophagus’.

“See! You’re feeling better already!” Chris said. “Isn’t sharing your feelings great?” Chris asked.

“I’ll share my fist with your face if you don’t shut up!” Dan sighed. “It’s hopeless…”

“Dan, Pinkie isn’t anything like Hortense! Hortense would probably try to actually do more than just damage control and actually try to stop you, let alone join in from time to time…or uh…almost all the time.”

“That’s not what I meant. Believe me, I know Pinkie isn’t anything like Hortense…”

“Well, what then?!”

“I guess…I guess I’m scared of what will happen if I admit my feelings for Pinkie and things don’t work out down the line…” Dan said.

“So…you’re afraid she’ll break your heart?” Chris asked.

Dan paused. “Well…yeah…a lot actually…but mostly? I’m terrified I’ll break hers.” Dan said, conjuring up the image of a straight-haired, crying Pinkie from last night and shuttering slightly.

 “GHK!”

Chris grabbed Dan by the shirt collar and began violently shaking him. “ALRIGHT,” Chris shouted, “THAT’S ENOUGH! REVEAL YOURSELF! YOU’RE NOT DAN! YOU CAN’T BE!”

“Chris…stop…shaking…me…you…complete…and…utter…Emperor… of…the…Doofuses…” Dan uttered as his head was rocked back in forth by Chris’s shaking.

Chris stopped. “Haha! Nice try, but it’ll take more than an insult to…”

‘POW’

Chris reeled back in response to the haymaker Dan had just thrown against his head.

“Chris, you incredible, idiotic, moronic, goofy, monkey faced, moron! It’s ME!” Dan declared.

Chris rubbed his cheek. “I’m still  not convinced.”

‘POW’

Chris held a hand over his left eye. “Okay that’s better.”

‘POW’

Chris covered his entire face with one hand and held the other out defensively. “Okay! Stop convincing me!” He pleaded.

“What made you think it wasn’t me, anyway?” Dan asked.

“You said you were more afraid of hurting Pinkie Pie than afraid of her hurting you.” Chris stated.

“Yeah? So?” Dan responded, holding out his hands and shrugging slightly.

“Uh…that means you really love her. That you care more about her than you do about yourself.” Chris explained.

“Oh…wait…that’s what love means?!” Dan asked surprised.

“Uh…I’m not even going to ask…so…what’s next.”

Dan smiled. “I have a plan.”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to use plans with Pinkie.”

“No! Not a ‘scheme’ a ‘plan’! There’s a huge difference.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Enlighten me.”

“Before I was scheming to make Pinkie love me, now I’m planning to show her how much she means to me.” Dan explained.

“Wow that…that actually made sense…” Chris commented. “So, what’s first?”

“First! I wait until Pinkie gets home from work, and I tell her everything!”

“Uh, everything?” Chris asked in a worried tone.

“Yep!” Dan said. “Every horrible detail from my childhood, every terrible thing I’ve done, and every baby I’ve attempted to steal candy from…Which is a lot harder than it sounds, actually.”  Dan added, tapping his chin and looking towards the car ceiling.

“So, step one of your plan is to traumatize the poor girl?! Dan…that sounds like a really, really bad idea!” Chris responded.

Dan shook his head. “It’s not a bad idea, it’s a terrible idea!” Dan stated.

“Well…why!?”

“…I need Pinkie to know what she’s getting into…for her sake.” Dan added.

Chris inhaled, exhaled, and smiled. “Alright, Dan. I’m with you buddy! Anything you need, and I’ll be there!”

“Great, I need twenty dollars.” Dan said.

Chris reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, pulled out a $20 and happily handed it to Dan. “What’s the money for?” He asked.

“Dinner. I’m starved.” Dan replied.

“Hey!” Chris protested.

“You said ‘anything’!” Dan insisted. “You should be so lucky I only said I needed a twenty.”

Chris paused. “Well…you got me there. What else?”

Dan smiled. “I’ll tell you at dinner.” He smiled wickedly. “I hope you weren’t planning on sleeping tonight.”

Chris sighed and started the car.

Well, at least I’m doing something nicewith Dan for a change…

***

Pinkie trudged up the apartment stairs, a fatigued, sad expression on her face.

How the heck does Dan keep those two in line all day?!

And wheredo those two keep getting clothes to accidently bake into the cupcakes and muffins?! Crunchy doesn’t even wearsocks!

…

I miss Dan, I hope he’s…

Pinkie opened the door where she was greeted by Dan’s smiling face from the couch.

…home.

Pinkie’s face immediately brightened. “Hey, Dan! Did you get some rest?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

Dan shrugged. “Not really.”

Pinkie frowned. “Oh…”

“Hey, Pinkie…I wanted to talk to you about something…” Dan began tentatively.

Pinkie smiled.

Oh, good! He’s finally opening up!

“Of course, Dan! I’m always here if you need someone to talk to!” Pinkie insisted cheerfully.

Dan nodded, smile still on his face, he motioned to the blue easy chair next to the couch. “You may want to sit down for this…it could take a while.” He explained.

“Oh…okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie responded happily. She sat down on the chair and leaned forwards with an eager look on her face.

“So…” Dan began, “I guess my earliest memory was when I was about two…”

Pinkie’s eyes widened and she leaned back in the chair.

This really mighttake a while…

“…You see, my parents were explaining to me how I was a mistake and all the problems in their lives were my fault.” Dan stated, smile still on his face.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Yeah, that was probably the high point of my childhood, it was pretty much all downhill from there.”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed, clutching at the sides of her face with tense, shaking fingers.

“The next year…year and a half was mostly spent watching T.V. from my cage…”

Pinkie swallowed. “You mean…crib…right?” Pinkie asked, afraid she already knew the answer.

Dan glanced at the ceiling and placed an index finger to his chin. “Hmmmm…no, cribs don’t usually have covers over the top, or are made of metal…or have water bottles strapped to the sides of them or food dishes left out in them.”

Pinkie’s face fell into a pit of despair as tears started to erupt from her eyes. She began to tremble slightly.

“So, they’d leave me there for hours…sometimes most a day.”

“What?” Pinkie mustered. She was quickly finding yelling too much effort at this point.

“So…eventually I outgrew the cage, and that’s where they ankle shackle came into play…”

Pinkie whimpered softly in reply.

**

“…and that’s why I’m banned from the Red Cross with a ‘shoot to kill’ order.”

Pinkie stares on wide eyed.  She has pushed her body far back into the chair as her fingers grip onto the armrests and dig deeply into the blue fabric of the easy chair. She has stopped speaking, stopped crying. The brain functions in charge of speech and emotion have been taxed to the point where they are numb, quivering, heaps wrapped in the darkness of her skull. The only sign that she is still paying attention are her eyes, which remained focused on Dan. Her irises quiver as he continues.

**

“So I’m punching him, I’m punching him, I’m punching him and I say, ‘What do you mean I didn’t give you the correct change?!’”

Pinkie looks on, seemingly almost completely detached from any outside stimuli, her eyes covered in shadow. She has pushed herself so far back into the chair she is almost completely engulfed by the blue fabric and cushions of the back.  Deep indents in the armrests have formed where her hands continue to grip tightly. Her perception has changed to the point where she now feels she is observing the scene from a point of view outside her body.

**

 “So I say, ‘One shall stand, one shall fall!’ And grandma reaches for a rolling pin and begins to…”

Pinkie’s out of body self weeps.

***

“…and since the guy was in the way of me posting a flyer, I set him on fire…” Dan pauses. “Oh! But you were there for that, so…I guess that’s about it.” Dan said, same smile still on his face. He looks over at Pinkie.

Pinkie’s face and body were now completely obscured by the chair she desperately tried to merge with, leaving only a shadowy hole visible. However, her arms still stuck out from the hole, still gripping the chair armrests. Her tense legs, likewise, had dug into the front of the chair. Her hair was also still visible, going out in all directions from the hole in long, pink, curly tendrils, as if her hair itself was trying to escape from her scalp and flee the one-sided conversation.

Dan stood up, walked over to the chair, and peered, smiling, into the cavern Pinkie had essentially dug for herself by constantly pushing herself against the back of her chair. Pinkie remained motionless except for her sky-blue, pinpoint sized iris eyes which focus onto Dan’s.

“Well…I can see you’ve got a lot on your mind. I’ll catch you, later, okay?” Dan waved and walked towards the apartment door. “Don’t wait up!”  He said as he exited the apartment, closing the door behind him.

Pinkie remained motionless.

Mr. Mumbles hesitantly walked out of the bedroom, somehow looking more ragged than usual. Wide eyed, and wobbly, she jumped onto the chair, looking at Pinkie, and giving her a tentative “Meow?”

Pinkie relaxed her hands and wrapped her arms around Mr. Mumbles, drawing the cat into her chest. “Hey, Mr. Mumbles.” Pinkie said weakly. “Did you hear all that?” Pinkie asked moving her arms to hold Mr. Mumbles at arm’s length.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles held up her paws and held them over her ears.

Pinkie sighed. “Lucky you.”

“Mew?”

Pinkie nodded. “That’s a good idea. Thanks, Mr. Mumbles!” Pinkie responds with a small smile.

“Meow!”

Pinkie sat the grey cat down on the armrest of the chair and stood up. She walked into the bedroom, over to the closet, and opened the sliding door. Her mirror was set under a large, white comforter that she removed, revealing an empty library.

“…Twilight? Spike? …Anypony?” Pinkie called out, carefully examining her side of the viewport for a sign of life.

“Who?” A light brown owl flies into view.

“Hey, Owlowiscious!” Pinkie responds. “Is Twilight around?”

“Who?”

“You know! Purple alicorn! Lives at the library.”

“Who!” Owlowiscious quickly flies off, and as quickly returns, holding up a piece of parchment that reads “Fighting mad herd of manticores. Send Owlowiscious if emergency. Your dear friend, Twilight Sparkle.” In elegant cursive.

“Who?”

Pinkie sighs. “That’s okay, Owlowiscious. I’ll talk to her later…” Pinkie said, mustering a meek smile and a small wave. “See you later!”

“Who?”

“You…you know…oh, nevermind…” Pinkie covered the mirror with the comforter once more. She pulls out her smartphone from her pocket, and lightly taps the screen a few times.

*

Beeping breaks the silence as Elise unburies her face from her hands. She looks up at the now destroyed device in front of her. A large, black box, with an antenna, some knobs, and a speaker that has had a long, straight, single edged sword stabbed through the top.

Note to self: never tune into the bug planted on Dan everagain.

Elise shakes her head as if to clear it as the beeping continues. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone, tapping it once and placing it to her ear.

“Hey, Pinkie.”

“Hey, Elise.” Pinkie answers meekly. “Could you swing by?”

“Sure, Pinkie.” Elise answers simply. “I’ll be right there.” Elise pulls the phone away and terminates the call. She sighs. “Oh dear…”

**

Chris opened the passenger side to the red hatchback and sat down.

“So? How’d it go?” He asked.

“Well…she stopped crying after the first hour or so…” Dan offered.

“Uhhh…that’s…good?” Chris offered, half asking.

Dan sighed and shook his head. “Not really, I think she had run out of tears by that point.”

Chris paused and reached over a sympathetic hand, resting it on Dan’s shoulder. “She’ll come around.”

Dan gave Chris a small smile, “Thanks, buddy.”

“Sooo…Now what?” Chris asked.

“Now, we bake. We go to the bakery and bake.” Dan said.

Chris knitted his eyebrows. “I thought you couldn’t trust my taste buds.”

Dan’s smile widened slightly. “I can’t, but I can bake this stuff in my sleep.” He faced towards the road and frowned as he started the car. “Which is good, because I don’t think I’ve slept for almost two days at this point.”

**

“Hey, Elise!” Pinkie said to the maroon haired girl in the driver’s seat as Pinkie sat down in the passenger seat of the blue sedan, setting her pink bag at her feet. “Thanks for coming over so quickly.”

Elise smiled back at the frazzled, curly, pink haired woman. “No problem! Where to?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Just drive, I guess…I just need someone to talk to.”

Elise nods. “Sure, Pinkie. What’s on your mind?”

“Well…Dan sort of…unloaded onto me…like…everything…”

Elise’s eye’s widened. “Everything?”

“Ev-ree-thing!” Pinkie stressed.

“Uhhh…wow…” Elise offered. “How do you feel?”

I only got five minutes into Dan’s childhood before I took my sword to the receiver…Did she actually sit and listen to all of it?!

 “Uh…raw…I guess…like all my emotions just spent a few hours being flayed into a bloody, unrecognizable heap.”

Elise whistled. “That bad, huh?”

Pinkie sighed. “Yeah, that bad…”

“Well…why don’t you start at the beginning?” Elise offered.

“Hmmmm...” Pinkie thought about this for a moment. “Okay! Dan’s earliest memory was when he was about two…”

“Uh, Pinkie?”

“You see, his parents were explaining to him how he was a mistake and all the problems in their lives where his fault.” Pinkie stated.

“Pinkie!”

“That was probably the high point of his childhood, it’s all pretty much downhill from there.”

“PINKIE!”

“Uh, yes Elise?” Pinkie asked, turning to the girl in the driver’s seat.

“Could you maybe give me the abridged version and just tell me how it made you feel?” Elise asked.

“Oh! Sure…that’s probably far less mentally scarring the both of us!” Pinkie responded happily.

Elise breathed a sigh of relief.

“So, first Dan told me about his childhood, and it was so, so sad! Sadder than anything I’ve ever heard before! And I just felt so bad for him! And it just…didn’t stop…like…at one point I felt I was as sad as anyone could ever be and he’d come out with something even worse and then I’d have to sit there and think that this was as sad as anyone could ever feel and then he’d do it  again! So, that went on for a while until he got out of his childhood and into all the things he’s done and has had done to him over the years, and he’s done some terrible, awful things! But at the same time lots of bad things have happened to him, too! And, it’s like he can never catch a break, you know? And, okay, yeah…a lot of what happens to him is clearly brought on because of his own actions, but it still seems like the world is just out to get him a lot of the time…and believe me, I’ve been there! I couldn’t begin to tell you how many days we’ve just been sitting around the apartment, minding our own business and then something crashes through the window,” Pinkie swung her arm out and opened her fingers, trying to mime an object crashing throw a closed window, “or we find out something’s happened to his car! And it’s just ‘Come on! Can’t we just have a moments rest?’” Pinkie sighed.

“Huh…” Elise said.

“What?” Pinkie responded.

“Oh…it’s just that you sound…sympathetic to Dan…after everything he told you.”

“Well...I certainly don’t approve of everything he’s done, and I think I’ll make him apologies to that girl whose hair he cut to get back at her dad if we run into her and we’re definitely going to do something about the old man he left at Pembroke, also, I’ll make sure he doesn’t chloroform any more entire families. But…I guess after everything he’s been through, I just can’t really be mad at him for much…” Pinkie offered.

“What about the time he almost destroyed the world because he was mad at a family of squirrels?” Elise asked.

“THOSE SQUIRRELS HAD IT COMING!” Pinkie declared angrily.

“Uh…”

“Oops. Sorry, Elise …kinda didn’t get a ton of sleep last night and it’s been a long, taxing, soul crushing day…” Pinkie offered.

Elise shrugged. “It’s okay…but you’re really okay with what Dan’s done…mostly? I mean…some of it is pretty appalling.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow, “Is that so, Dancing Shadow?”

Elise’s expression suddenly shifted to surprise.

I never told Pinkie my code name…

Okay, be cool, maybe doesn’t know that much…

“Well, what I do for my organization is for the greater good.” Elise offered, nervously.

Yeah, there’s no way she’s going to buy that…

“Really?!” Pinkie exclaimed in shocked tone. She reached down to her bag, pulled out a very large folder packed with various papers attached together via paperclips and set it on Elise’s lap.

Elise gulped as she took a hand off the wheel and pulled out the first sets of paper clipped together. She glanced it over and noticed her real name, alias, and a mission report complete with body count, and the exact device she was field testing at the time. “Where did you get all this?” Elise asked.

“Dan was mad that the sales tax was raised, or something…he declared war on the government.” Pinkie raised an eyebrow “Secret government facilities? Turns out they’re surprisingly easy find and break into.”

Elise sighed. “You think they would have learned after the squirrels.”

Pinkie pointed at the stack of papers on Elise’s lap. “I think my favorite one was the gun you made that filled the lungs of whoever it was fired at with taffy, causing them to suffocate on sugary, chewy, candy.” Pinkie said flatly. “Besides.” She narrowed her eyes at Elise. “Dan didn’t mail himself to a city full of deranged dance monsters who almost killed him.”

Elise set the paper down and pressed her palms against the wheel, holding them up defensively. “Okay, okay…so my moral high ground is probably less a mountain and more a bathmat.” Elise admitted. “You uh…haven’t shown these to anyone else, have you?” Elise asked nervously.

Pinkie smiled. “I talked Dan out of blowing your cover.” Pinkie giggled. “We settled for pantsing his congressmen during a press conference.”

Elise breathed a mouthful of relief. “So…I have to ask…How did you manage to sit through everything Dan was saying?”

“Well…” Pinkie smiled softly. “…Because he’d do the same for me.”

Elise paused. “What makes you say that?”

“He told me that he was always here for me if I needed someone to talk to…”

“And you believed him?”

“Well, D’uh!” Pinkie replied. “I trust him…I love him…I…” Pinkie paused as she processed what she had just said, her eyes widened in surprise. “Ohmygosh! Elise! I’m in love with Dan.”

Elise paused.

She smiled wide to herself. “You don’t say.”

“I DO say! I…” Pinkie thought about this for a few seconds and smacked her palm against her forehead. “Wow, I’m really stupid, aren’t I? I mean…it was so obvious, and I didn’t even notice…”

Elise laughed. “Well, I wouldn’t say stupid. Let’s just say you’re really, really dense when it comes to somethings…kind of like someone else I know…”

“So…” Pinkie turned back to Elise. “What do you think I should do?”

“Well, tell him, of course!” Elise insisted.

“WHAT!? I can’t do that!” Pinkie replied. “No…what I need is some sort of huge, big, ginormous, gargantuan, hubiginnorgantuan sign of my affection…” Pinkie declared, motioning out with her hands as far as they would go in the car.

“Erm…”

“Like…Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie grinned wide and pointed at Elise. “I can  spell out ‘I love you’ by setting fire strategically to Hollywood and bring Dan up to the Hollywood sign!” Pinkie suggested.

“Ermm…”

“No, you’re right Elise! I’d probably get arrested or shot before I was done…Uh…Oooo! Better idea!” Pinkie declared happily, raising her fists excitedly towards her face. “I’ll decapitate all of Dan’s enemies and present their heads to him on pikes!” Pinkie grinned madly and steepled her fingers in front of her toothy smile. “Dan has lots of enemies!”

Elise blinked a few times. “Wow…you two really were made for each other.”

Pinkie smiled happily at Elise. “Thanks, Elise.”

“But…uh…maybe you should just sleep on this first. I mean…you don’t want to go on a love rampage tired, do you?”

Pinkie pursed her lips and considered this. “You’re right Elise. Maybe I’ll come up with an even better idea, then!” She added excitedly

Elise chuckled nervously. “Yeah…sure…”

“Hey, Elise?” Pinkie asked tentatively.

“Yes, Pinkie?”

Pinkie smiled warmly. “You’re a great friend!”

“Aww, thank you Pinkie.” Elise replied.

Pinkie closed her eyes as her smile widened. “A murdering, painful sounding gun creating, machine that creates monsters making, friend.”

“Uh, thanks Pinkie…I think.”

Pinkie opened her eyes and nodded. “You’re welcome!”

**

“Dan!” Chris snapped his fingers in front of his short, dozing friend. “Dan! Wake up.”

“Huh? What…” Dan wiped drool from his mouth as he stood over a large bowl of batter with an electric hand mixer.

“Dan! You keep dozing off while baking. Maybe you should go lie down.” Chris suggested.

Dan shot Chris a glare. “Why? So you can start eating all my hard work?!” Dan accused.

Chris held up an index finger. “First off, ‘our hard work’.” Chris raised his middle finger to join his index. “Second of…okay, yeah…” he admitted.

“Ulg.” Dan grunted out. “Hand me another energy shot.”

Chris sighed as he reached over to a counter that had several small, red bottles on top of it and handed one to Dan. “Dan, I think you should cut back on those…they don’t seem to be working so well at this point.”

Dan eyed the red bottle carefully and unscrewed the top. “You’re right Chris. It’s time to mainline this baby straight into my brain.” He declared.

Dan plugged a nostril with an index finger and brought the bottle up to his other.

“Dan! What are you doing!?”

“Something really stupid in the name of love.” Dan snorted the contents of the bottle up his nose. “AHHHHHHHH! YOWSERS, THAT BURNS!” Dan declared, rubbing his nose feverishly.

“Are you alright?” Chris asked, running up to Dan.

“I…” Dan’s eyes shot open. He blinked once and his pupils grew to eclipse the green of his eyes.” Ooooohhhh YEAH! Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! 200 milligrams of caffeine strait to the ol’ cabeza!” Dan’s grin ventured into evil territory as it spread across his face. “I feel like I could bake the whole G.d. planet!” He declared. He looked over at Chris. “Hand me those sheets of paper, that’s our special orders for tomorrow.

“Sure, Dan.” Chris glanced at a sheet of paper as he passed it to Dan. “…uh…are these numbers right?!”

Dan quickly snatched the papers and looked over them.

“They look fine to me.” Dan replied.

“Dan! You and Pinkie make that many cupcakes and muffins every day?!”  Chris exclaimed.

Dan shrugged. “Well, sure!”

“That’s insane!” Chris declared, throwing out his hands.

“Yeah…probably why it takes a couple of crazy people to do it every day.” Dan grinned. “But not tomorrow. You and I are going to get it all done tonight.”

Chris sighed and reached for one of the red bottles, opting to drink it orally instead of nasally.

“Oh!” Dan said, raising an index finger. “Text Elise and see if she’s with Pinkie. We’ll need to have her keep Pinkie occupied for a bit.”

“How long is ‘a bit’?” Chris asked.

“Up until right before we open.” Dan explained.

“Dan, that’s not for several hours!” Chris protested.

“Ah, come on! This is important.” Dan wined.

Chris thought about it for a second and shrugged. “You know, since it’s for Pinkie she’ll probably do it…”

Dan nodded. “That’s more like it. Also, make sure you use real words and full sentences when you type, or I’ll break your fingers.”

Chris smiled and rolled his eyes, remembering Dan had lectured him for hours over the text ‘See u soon’. “Alright, Dan.”

**

Pinkie yawned as she and Elise walked up the apartment stairs and down the walkway. “Thanks for talking to me, Elise…I really needed someone to help sort out my feelings.” She said.

Elise smiled. “No problem.”

Pinkie unlocked and opened the apartment door. She flipped on the light and peered inside. “Dan?” She called.

No response.

Pinkie sighed.

Elise smiled. “I’m sure you’ll see him soon.”

“I know Elise, I’m just so use to sleeping next to him…or…erm…being held by him at this point…” Pinkie admitted, blushing slightly. “I don’t know how I…” Without warning, Pinkie’s eyes rolled back in her head and she simply stopped holding herself up.

“Pinkie!” Elise quickly lowered herself ahead of Pinkie, putting her arms out and catching the pink haired girl before she could collapse on the ground.

“Zzzzzzzzzz…”

Elise chuckled to herself, and picked up Pinkie, walking her to the bedroom, and laid her on the bed. She took Pinkie’s bag, and took off Pinkie’s shoes, laying bag and shoes on the ground next to the bed.

A small ring emitted from the phone in Elise’s pocket. She pulled it out and examined it.

‘You with Pinkie?’ A message read, under the name ‘Chris’.

‘Yes’, Elise replied simply.

‘Dan says we could be doing this until the shop opens, just about. He’s telling me to tell you to stall her until that time.’ The next message read.

Elise looked over the sleeping girl and then over to the digital alarm clock sitting on the nightstand next to her. ‘No prob’ She texted back. She walked over the clock and hit a few buttons, adjusting the alarm, and putting it back. She chuckled. “Don’t say I never did anything for you, little man…”

“Hmmm…” Elise looked over the sleeping girl in front of her and smiled to herself. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, black device on a tiny clip.

***

The digital alarm next to the bed once more emitted a high-pitched, irritating buzzer sound.

Pinkie instinctively dove her hand out and nabbed the clock. Once again, there was no other hand wrestling for control of the device.

Pinkie sighed as she pulled the device closer to her.

Wait…why is it light out?

Pinkie’s eyes shot open wide as she looked at the time. “Oh no! I am sooooo late!” She declared.

Pinkie stood up and quickly threw on her pink flats. Grabbed her bag, and bolted for the door.

*

Elise elbowed her husband from the driver’s side door. “Hey! Wake up! The shows about to start.” Elise watched as Pinkie bounded towards the back of the store, oblivious to the blue sedan parked down the street.

Chris groggily looked up and yawned. He turned to Elise. “Are you sure about this? I mean…we’re spying on Dan and Pinkie!”

Elise pulled out a small, round, black disk with a speaker and a pair of earbuds attached to it. “Do you want to hear Dan’s confession or not?” Elise asked, passing an earbud to Chris.

Chris took the earbud and placed it in his ear. “You know, Dan never said anything about a confession. He may still be hoping Pinkie says something first.”

Elise frowned. “After all this?!”

Chris shrugged.

Elise sighed. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take!”

“Elise, you really shouldn’t get so hung up on those two.” Chris insisted.

“You’re probably right, but…well…Pinkie’s had two plans to show her affection to Dan, one involved fire, and the other decapitation.”

Chris’s eyes widened. “How much fire?”

“Probably enough to burn down a fair amount of Hollywood.” Elise explained.

“Oh…” Chris replied with a worried expression. “Yeah, let’s hope he confesses, then...”

*

“It’s okay”! Pinkie said to herself as she ran towards the bakery. “Maybe Dan’s already there!” She assured herself. “Maybe he got started! I mean…okay, there’s no way he could have got everything done by himself, but at least some…Hmmmmmmm, something smells goood…”

Pinkie unlocked the back door and walked in. She was hit by the intense smell of fresh cupcakes and muffins. She walked through the hall and into the kitchen where she was met by Dan’s smiling face as he stood surrounded by dozens and dozens of boxes, all neatly stacked and labeled.

“Good morning!” Dan said. “Did you sleep well?”

“I…uh…wha…?” Pinkie stammered out pointing at all the boxes.

Dan looked around him. “Oh, those! Yeah, Chris and I spent all night filling all the orders for today. We also packed the display case.”

Pinkie’s eye’s widened as she tried to process the sheer amount of baked goods already done for her today. Her brain quickly suffered a massive failure.

Wow

Such cupcakes

Much muffins

Very baked goods

Pinkie looked back up at Dan. “You…did all this?!”

Dan nodded, same smile on his face. “Yep! I figured this way you could take it easy, today.”

Pinkie’s eye’s widened. “You did all this for me?!”

Dan chuckled, “Of course, goofball.”

What little working brain function Pinkie still had fell away. Concepts like fear, hope, and even love left and she had only one thought of any coherence.

There was simply too much space, and too many layers of clothing in between her and the man in front of her.

“Gha!” Dan exclaimed in alarm as a pink blur pounced on top of him and tackled him to the floor. He felt hands reach down and pull up on his shirt.

“Uh…Pinkie? What are you doing?” Dan asked.

“D’uh! I’m taking off your clothes!” Pinkie explained, pulling Dan’s shirt up and over his head as Dan put up very little in regards to resistance.

“I…okay…this sounds weird even to me.” Dan said as he looked about the bakery kitchen. “But don’t you think there’s something wrong with that?”

Pinkie looked at the black shirt she was holding then back down to the bare-chested man she was currently straddling. “Yes.” She answered. “You should be taking off my clothes as well.” Pinkie replied flatly.

Dan paused and his smile widened. “Yeah, I can’t really argue with that logic.” He declared, hooking his hands under Pinkie’s vest and lifting it up and over her head. Dan began to undo the buttons on Pinkie’s shirt, starting at the top, but pausing as he hit the halfway point.

“Dan? Why did you stop?” Pinkie asked.

Dan reached forward towards Pinkie’s chest and pulled a small, black device on a tiny clip off of Pinkie’s shirt, handing it to her.

Pinkie took the device and eyed it suspiciously.

“Ahem.”

Dan and Pinkie froze and turned to stare at Wally who was staring back at them with a disapproving look.

Pinkie quickly stood up, her face beet red, as she quickly clasped the device in her palm and buttoned the top of her shirt back up. She turned to her boss. “Wally! Good morning. Dan was just…uh…”

“Undressing you?” Wally offered, toweling at his forehead with his handkerchief.

Pinkie sighed. “Yeah.”

Dan quickly scrambled for his own shirt and put it on.

Wally shook his head. “I knew this was a mistake.” He turned to Dan as the short man raised to his feet. “I’m sorry Dan, but you’re fired.”

Dan’s expression changed to a glare and he opened his mouth to protest.

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!”

Dan and Wally turned to look at Pinkie.

“Uh…excuse me?” Wally replied.

Pinkie glowered angrily at Wally. “First off, it’s me who’s at fault here. Second…ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! You can’t fire Dan!”

Wally adjusted his glasses. “And why’s that?”

“Do you even know who keeps this place running!? Who’s kept this place afloat since we got here?!”

“Uh…you?” Wally suggested.

Pinkie shook her head rapidly. “No! Not me! I can bake, and I could probably handle this place if it weren’t a madhouse at all hours of the day! But Dan is the one making sure we get everything done on time and keeping Crunchy and D.H. from making a complete mess of things.”

“Hmph…he was also the one who hired them in the first place.” Wally countered.

“SO?!” Pinkie responded shrilly. “We needed the help! We still need the help! As perpetually clumsy and clueless as those two are they can at least work the register and help bake without somehow adding clothing to the batter if they’re supervised! YOU were going to take your sweet time finding someone while Dan and I worked ourselves to death!” Pinkie accused angrily.

Wally began to sweat profusely as he dabbed at his forehead with his handkerchief.

Pinkie paused and took a few calming breaths. “Also, they’re surprisingly well liked by the customers.”

“They are?” Dan asked raising an eyebrow.

Pinkie turned towards Dan. “I checked our online reviews.” She explained. “Everyone’s convinced that the four of us are purposely putting on a show every day.”

“That…makes a disturbing amount of sense.” Dan responded. “So, apparently we should keep hiring wackos.”

Pinkie shrugged. “Yeppers! Pretty much! Everyone loves our food and watching D.H. shower you and me with cupcakes.”

“I guess we should hire Chris, then.” Dan replied.

“Ooo! Good idea!” Pinkie replied.

“Oh, that tall guy that’s always hanging around here and would carry all the heavy stuff you got from my hardware shop?” Wally replied.

“Yeah, I kind of force him to help me make everything for today…so…”

Wally sighed. “I’ll go get the paperwork…”

“Ooo! You should get whatever paperwork you need to promote Dan, too!” Pinkie suggested.

“I should?” Wally asked, surprised.

“He should?!” Dan asked, surpriseder.

Pinkie smiled. “He is sort of running the place.”

“Alright fine.” Wally said. “He can be assistant manager…I guess”

Dan pointed at himself and put on a ‘Who Me?’ expression as Pinkie wrapped her arms around him.

“Yay!” She exclaimed.

“How did you get me into this?” Dan asked looking at Pinkie.

Pinkie giggled and held Dan at arm’s length. “Oh, you know you like it!”

“Well…I do like having authority.” Dan said with a grin.

“Hey dudes, what’s the haps?” Crunchy asked as he and D.H. walked towards the group from the back entrance.

Pinkie beamed. “Dan’s the new assistant manager!”

“Alright! Way to go, dude!” Crunchy exclaimed.

“Hurray!” D.H. added as she ran up and hugged Dan.

“Uh…thanks you two.” Dan said, he looked down at the blond haired woman that had embraced him. “…You can let go now…no seriously, please let go.”

Pinkie giggled. “Everyone hug Dan!”

“What! NO! STOP!” Dan pleaded as Crunchy and Pinkie also wrapped their arms around Dan.

Pinkie looked up at Wally. “You, too.”

“Do I have to?” Wally replied.

“No!” Dan objected.

“Yes!” Pinkie overruled with a smile.

Wally smiled. “Oh, all right…” He walked over and wrapped his arms around his employees.

“Wow…this is all very moving…now everyone let go,” Dan said calmly, “before I start biting jugular veins”. He added

Pinkie giggled and broke the hug as everyone else gave Dan his space.

“Yay! Dan is angry again!” D.H. declared.

“Phew.” Crunchy said, wiping the back of his hand across his forehead. “We were worried about you, dude.”

“Wait…you guys like when I’m angry?!” Dan asked in disbelief.

“Bra, how else are you going to keep us in line?” Crunchy said. “We keep baking clothes! I mean…that’s pretty gnarly, dude!”

“Yesterday I baked a pair of pants into an order of muffins!” D.H. admitted cheerily.

“Uh…you don’t even wear pants!” Dan said motioning towards D.H.’s skirt.

“I never said they were mine!” D.H. replied.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “Just how bad did it get when I left yesterday?”

Pinkie grinned nervously. “It was pretty bad!” She admitted.

Dan sighed and smacked his palm against his forehead. He dragged the palm down his face, but smiled as he removed the hand.

“Alright, girls-who-name-I-don’t-know, you’re working the register.” Dan barked out. “Move from that spot without being asked first and I’ll break your kneecaps.”

D.H. gave Dan a crooked salute. “Aye, Aye, Dan!”

“Cripple!”

“Yes, sir!” Crunchy responded, standing at attention and saluting with his unslung hand.

“You’re running orders out to the customers, don’t mess it up, or I’ll make your good hand your bad hand, savvy?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Wally!”

“Uh, yes Dan?” Wally replied.

“Fetch me whatever forms I need to give to my idiot friend, he’s probably sleep deprived and useless for today, but he can start tomorrow.” Dan explained.

Wally nodded. “Sure, Dan.”

“And hire more staff for crying out loud!” Dan added. “I don’t care if their normal or completely out of their minds or what, we just need more bodies to soak up damage on the field!” Dan declared.

“Uh…sure Dan. Let me get you those forms…” Wally said, adjusting his glasses.

“And you!” Dan said, turning to Pinkie Pie and leveling a stern looking finger.

“Yes, Dan?” Pinkie asked sweetly.

“You just stand there and look adorable.” Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie blushed slightly and giggled. “I can do that.”

Wally walked back into the kitchen and handed Dan some forms. “Here you go, Dan.”

Dan snatched them as Pinkie grabbed Dan’s free wrist, and placed the small device formerly attached to her shirt in his hand, closing his fingers over it.

Dan stared down at his now closed hand and then looked back up to Pinkie.

Pinkie gave him a mischievous smile. “She’s probably close…Chris, too, I’m guessing.  Why don’t you go out there and find them?” Pinkie smiled warmly. “We can handle things for a little bit without you.”

Dan nodded and turned towards the back entrance.

“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie called as he walked away.

Dan glanced behind him to see Pinkie grinning wide with just a touch of wildness in her eyes.

“Be mean.” Pinkie stated.

Dan smiled wickedly. “I can do that…”

 *

Elise pressed a palm against the ear with the eardbud in it in frustration. “Come on! Why isn’t this thing working?! It was just getting good!”

“You know Elise, I really need to sit you and Dan down and discus boundaries…” Chris said from the passenger seat.

“Shhhh!” Elise commanded, as she adjusted the volume on the black device. “I think I hear something…”

“HEY, JERK FACES!”

“AHHHHH!” Chris and Elise cried in alarm as they ripped the earbuds out of their ears.

The two looked out the front of the car as Dan approached, holding the small black device up to his mouth and smiling devilishly from ear to ear.

Elise rolled down her window as Dan approached.

“You dropped something!” Dan announced, raising his hand and flicking the small black device point blank into Elise’s face.

Elise flinched as the device bounced off her forehead and into her lap.

“Good morning to you, too, Dan.” Elise mumbled.

Dan smiled. “It is a good morning!”

Chris and Elise looked at Dan with renewed interest.

“What happened?” Elise asked.

“You’re looking at the new assistant manager of ‘Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins’.” Dan declared, balling his hands and placing them on his hips proudly.

“That’s great news, Dan!” Chris said happily.

“Aaaand…” Dan leaned into the car through Elise’s window and held out some papers towards Chris.

“Hey!” Elise protested as Dan pushed passed her.

“You’re hired.” Dan said to Chris. “Congratulations. Now fill all those out.”

Chris exhaled a large volume of air and took the papers. “…Really?” He asked looking back at Dan with happy, teary eyes. “I’m not the only one unemployed, anymore?!”

Dan leaned back out of the car and smiled. “Nope. You start tomorrow…well…technically you started last night, but I want you in bright and early tomorrow. 5 AM, sharp. capice?”

“Yes, sir!” Chris responded happily. “Wait…I’m getting paid for last night?!” Chris asked in surprise.

Dan shrugged. “In a couple weeks.”

Elise looked towards Chris with a grin.

“Dan! This was, without a doubt, your best schem…no plan to date.” Chris declared exuberantly.

Elise turned to Dan. “See what happens when you think of others?”

Dan frowned. “Yeah, I get saddled with more responsibility and more idiotic underlings to keep in line. I don’t think I’ll make a habit out of it.”

Elise and Chris chuckled.

“Hey, Dan…” Elise began. “I have to know…what happened with you and Pinkie?”

Dan knitted his brow, looked left, looked right, and motioned for Elise to lean in closer.

Elise leaned her head out of the window as Dan moved his mouth next to her ear.

“NONE OF YOUR G.D. BUSINESS!” Dan screamed at the top of his lungs.

“AHHH!” Elise recoiled and placed palms over both her ears.

Chris just rolled his eyes with a small smile.

“See you two losers later.” Dan declared as he turned and waved. He put his hands in his pockets and began whistling to himself as he made his way to the bakery.

Elise squinted and stuck a finger in the ear Dan had just screamed into as if trying to clear it. “You think he told her?”

Chris shrugged. “I don’t know, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy over something that didn’t involve massive property damage.” He said motioning out to Dan as the short man happily walked down the street.

Elise sighed. “Alright, I’ll give it a rest for a bit.” She turned to Chris with a smile. “I need to get my tired, baker husband home.”

“YaaaayzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ…” Chris replied, passing out on the spot.

Elise smiled happily to herself and started the car.

***

“So…” Pinkie began as she practically dragged her roomie up the stairs, her arms around Dan’s shoulders, “how long have you gone without sleep.”

Dan sighed. “It’s been over two days.”

Pinkie giggled as the two made their way towards the apartment door. “All so you could make me pancakes and make work easier for me…”

“Yeah well…you’re worth it.” Dan said simply.

Pinkie gave Dan a soft smile and blushed, she dug into her pocket and fished out the apartment keys. She unlocked the door, but felt a hand on hers before she could open it.

“Pinkie?”

Pinkie turned towards Dan with a smile, a smile that gave way to concern as she saw the serious look on Dan’s face. “Yes, Dan?”

Dan shifted out from Pinkie’s arm and grabbed her other hand, holding both slim, pink nail polished hands tensely.

“I um…want to talk about something with you.” Dan said.

Pinkie’s heart immediately began to pound in her chest.

Uh-oh…this can either go very, very well or very, verybad.

He’s holding my hands, though! That’s a good sign! Right? Right?!

Pinkie swallowed. “Yes, Dan?”

“You’re uh…you’re probably going to think I’m crazy…” Dan said.

Pinkie giggled.

“Heh, right…crazier…fine…here it goes.”

Pinkie’s heart beat faster as her eyes stared transfixed on the man in front of her.

Dan glanced away as he spoke. “I know I’m not an easy guy to be around all the time, and I’m sure I’ve done some things that are pretty hard to condone…but…” Dan turned back and looked deeply into Pinkie’s blue, sky-blue, eyes. “For what it’s worth…I love you…I just wanted you to know…but, if after everything I told you, you don’t think…”

“Dan?” Pinkie interrupted, letting go of Dan’s hands.

“Uh, yeah Pinkie?”

“Shut up.” Pinkie ordered, placing her hands on either side of Dan’s head.

“Uh…”

Pinkie smiled, the light of the streetlights casting soft shadows over her face, she closed her eyes as she leaned her head down and forward, pursing her lips as she did.

Dan relaxed slightly, tilting his head up, he closed his eyes, and pursed his lips; soon he felt something warm and moist press against them.

Dan wrapped his arms around Pinkie as the couple kissed passionately in front of the door to apartment 8. Dan felt the tension drain from his body, the stress of questioning himself or if he would lose Pinkie evaporated as she provided the answers to his questions with her loving kiss. The feeling was replaced with a warm feeling of acceptance. A foreign, but welcome feeling Dan had not known existed until the moment Pinkie’s lips made contact with his.

After a while, the two broke lip contact to stare into each other’s eye, smiling contently to eachother.

“You hear that?” Dan asked.

Pinkie perked her ears up and glanced out into the night. “No, what?”

Dan grinned and shook his head slightly, “Absolutely nothing.”

Pinkie leaned in and planted another, loving kiss on Dan’s lips. A kiss he was more than happy to reciprocate.

The two parted slightly once more.

“Just making sure.” Pinkie said, giggling.

*

“Yes! Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes YES! YES!” Elise declared quietly as she set down a pair of binoculars.

“Happy now?” Chris asked, placing an arm on his wife’s shoulder as the two stared across the street at Dan and Pinkie from their rooftop perch.

Elise smiled exuberantly at Chris. “Yes!” She confirmed.

A large, solid looking, metal box shook violently behind the couple.

Chris stared at it. “So…what are you going to do with that?”

Elise shrugged. “Agency policy is to take them to HQ, tag ‘em, and release them back into the wild.”

“The wild…” Chris asked with a raised eyebrow. “As in space?”

“Yeah,” Elise said, “you’d be amazed how many psychic, space wolverines end up on earth.”

“I’m pretty surprised there’s even one!”

Elise reached out for her husband’s hand. “Come on, Chris. Let’s grab the box, drop it off, and get you home.” She reached up to pinch Chris’s cheek. “My big, strong, handsome husband has a big day ahead of him.”

Chris smiled as he walked over to the box and held up an end. “I hope working at the bakery isn’t as weird as all this.” He commented.

Elise grabbed the other end. “Didn’t you get attacked by flying monkeys and giant, radioactive hamsters there?” She asked.

Chris sighed. “Yeaaaah…”

*

Pinkie and Dan walked into the apartment. Pinkie switching on the lights as the two made their way in.

“So!” Pinkie began. “What do you want to do now?”

“Oh, I have an idea…” Dan said, rapidly raising and lowering his eyebrows.

“Oh, reeaaaallly~?” Pinkie purred in response.

“Yep!” Dan’s eyes rolled back into his head, and he simply stopped holding himself up.

“Dan!” Pinkie cried in alarm as she quickly swooped under him. Catching him before he could collapse on the ground.

Dan snored loudly in Pinkie’s arms.

Pinkie smiled softly to herself as she stood up, taking Dan with her. She walked back over to the light switch and shut it off. She then walked into the bedroom and sat on the bed. Laying Dan’s head down on her lap.

Dan snoozed softly as Pinkie ran her hands through his hair.

“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie called, seeing if Dan was as asleep as he seemed.

“Zzzzzzz,” was Dan’s response.

“I love you, too.” Pinkie whispered into the darkness, smiling to herself.

To her surprise, Dan grinned, his eyes still closed. “I heard that.” He responded softly.

Pinkie giggled and smiled, lifting Dan’s head up a bit as she leaned hers down. “Good.”

The two kissed once more in the dimly lit darkness of their bedroom, wrapping their arms around each other and holding eachother tight.

Eventually, the two drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms.

Pinkie slept with a small smile on her face, loving arms wrapped tightly around her, having found a happiness she didn’t know existed.

Dan slept deeply and soundly wrapped tightly in the arms of his love, having finally found peace he had never known.

Part 7 Dan Vs. Love: Epilogue/7.5 Prologue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7 Dan Vs. Love  Epilogue/7.5 Prologue

*****

The setting sun hangs low over the abandoned and decaying town, casting an orange glow over the discolored, boarded up, and damaged single and second story buildings on either side of a sand covered street. Tires and metal barrels litter the road in large, random piles. Long dead trees stand sun-bleached as they erupt from the sidewalk as bare, skeletal like, warped tendrils of spiky branches. Here and there, cactus and sage brush grow from patches of sand in the city, and cracks in the street; as if the desert itself is slowly reclaiming the city.

A long shadow casts out from the sun and down from the edge of town and down the street. A forearm extends from the side of the silhouette and the shadowy hand at the end of the arm flickers in the light as the sounds of snapping is heard.

The shadow oozes into the street as its owner walks forward, the hand still flickering to the rhythmic snapping.

A challenge has been issued.

Doors and boarded windows explode out and shower the ground with jagged pieces of wood as three, large, slouching figures emerge from the wrecked city and into the street. They throw out their limbs forcefully and rhythmically to the snaps as they approach the center of the street. The harsh, orange sun hits the trio, a collection of discolored skin, tattered clothes, crooked teeth, mismatching eyes, and long, jagged fingernails.

The three stand side by side, forming a line and begin snapping in response, drawing closer to the long shadow as it approaches.

From the side a man with dirty blonde hair lurches forward with each step, favoring his right leg, no doubt due to the large growth on his left. His once light skin is now a grey and greenish, dark tan. A black, button up shirt and tie hang tattered over his blue shirt.  Frayed blue jeans end at his ankles over warn and sand caked sneakers.

In the center, a man with short, curly, matted hair walks onward as he snaps. His skin has been similarly discolored to a shade similar to the man on his left. A black, ragged, collared, V-neck shirt hangs from his slumped shoulders and black pants hang off his waist. The left leg of his pants ends in tattered and frayed fabric and a bare foot. A black shoe sits on the other foot.

Finally, a large, muscular, dark skinned man lumbers up the street. A white, threadbare tank top clings to his body, loose jeans hang around his legs over large, black boots. A black, baseball cap sits backwards on his the top of his head.

The trio of twisted men snarl and sneer at the approaching stranger. This has been a rematch they have been eagerly waiting for.

A challenge has been accepted.

Dan looks up at the three, much larger men and lazily rolls his head around on his neck before snapping his eyes back into focus at the approaching figures. “Alright, the ugly, the uglier, and the ugliest. Let’s dance.” Dan stands on one leg, and raises his arms into the sky, holding his fingers out horizontally.

The three men copy his movements, ready to unleash a torrent of dance violence on the short man.

“Ayiyiiyiyiyiyi!”

The three look up as a high pitched shriek from above catches their attention.

The blonde man only sees the bottom of a pair of blue boots before said boots slam into him with the weight of the woman who had jumped off from a roof above the group of feral men.

The black haired man catches a glimpse of a pink heart on a white and blue shirt, a streak of pink hair, and a pink crowbar that quickly collides with his face.

The dark skin man turns to the t-shirt, jean, and large blue boot wearing; curly, pink haired woman who had just landed on one of his fellow savage townspeople and had clobbered another.

Before he can react, a black heel, attached to a black shoe, being worn be a short man who had just jumped into the air, rotated his body and thrown a kick hits the dark skinned man in the side of the head, snapping it hard to the side with the impact. The man turns to face his attacker but sees nothing but empty street and the sun lowering into the distance.

“Shoryuken!”

Dan leaps straight up from a crouch and extends his fist up as he does, slamming it into the chin of the much larger man above him.

The dark skinned man falls backwards onto the street, hitting the pavement hard. He scrambles away from his attacker, quickly joined by the other two as they escape from a flurry of blows delivered via pink crowbar.

Dan grins. “I’ve always wanted to do that.” He says, turning to Pinkie.

Pinkie chuckles, holding up two fingers.

 “Hey! Mine was like…twice the size of those guys!” Dan whines, frowning slightly.

Pinkie rolls her eyes and smiles. “Alright, we can be tied.” Her smile widens. “You’re lucky I like you so much.”

Dan grins and loops an arm around Pinkie’s waist. “I really am.”

Pinkie smiles, purses her lips, and leans in for a kiss.

Dan, likewise, purses his lips and tilts his head up.

Pinkie pauses as a darkness quickly falls over Dan and her. She gently places a hand on Dan’s lips. “Hold that thought.”

The couple turn towards the gloom belonging to a shadow of another man with greenish-grey, dark tan skin. His hair is black and slicked back. A dirty, white, holey and ripped suit adorns his body over a black shirt with a popped collar. He marches forward, alternatively pointing a finger at the end of his extended arm diagonally up and down with each step.

Dan and Pinkie turn to each other as the man approached.

“Did you want this one?” Pinkie asks, motioning out to the dancing figure as he closes in on them.

Dan shrugged and smiled. “We can always take him out, together.” He suggested.

Pinkie smiles as the two turn towards the man in the tattered white suit who is almost upon Dan and her.

“I do like sharing…” Pinkie says with a grin.

Dan and her mirror pulling their fists back and throw their bodies into hard punches directed at the dancer’s snarling face.

*

A heavy, wooden door with a wire glass window set in the middle is pushed open as Dan peers into a dark, grey and brick warehouse; empty except for a walkway suspended on thick, rectangular columns, the odd pipe here and there that ascends from the ground into the roof, and piles of boxes against the walls.

 “Old timer? You still here?” Dan called. “OW!”

An empty tin can bounces of Dan’s head and hits the ground, rolling away as Dan looks down and glares at it. He looks up to see a bumpy, wood carved cane poking out of a dark corner of the cavernous warehouse leveled in his direction and shaking.

“YOU”

“WERE”

“SUPPOSE”

“TO”

“SHIMMY!”

Dan rubbed the spot on his forehead that was recently visited by the can thrown out of the darkness. “Nice to see you, too, oldie.” He responds to the man holding the cane.

The cane hits the floor with a ‘clack’ that echoes in the hollow emptiness of the building.  A pale, weathered hand emerges into the dim light, dragging a mostly bald, white haired, white bearded man after it. A tight ragged black turtleneck hugs his body and tight, light blue pants begin at his waist and end at his shins. He steps forward on long, black slip on shoes.

“Never thought I’d see you again, Pepercino.” The old man said to Dan. “Whatsa matter, have a change of heart?”

The hints of a smile emerged on Dan’s face. “In a manner of speaking…”

“Hiya! I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie announced, popping up from behind the old man.

“Ah!” The startled old man quickly turned and flung his cane out at the woman who seemingly materialized out of nowhere.

“Owie!” Pinkie exclaimed as the cane hit her forehead.

“Oh! Sorry, miss. Years of living in a town full of deranged, inbreed, feral, dancers can make one a might jumpOW” The same metal tin can that hit Dan found its way back to the old man. His forehead specifically. The old man rubbed his head, and shot a glare at Dan.

“Sorry, I thought you’d shimmy out of the way.” Dan said irritably.

“Dan, be nice!” Pinkie said in a maternal tone, rubbing her forehead. “He did apologize...and given how long you left him here, he’s allowed to be a cranky-hanky.”

Dan sighed, crossed his arms and uttered a quick, “Fine, fine…” adding “I just don’t like seeing you get hurt…” under his breath.

The old man raised an eyebrow at Dan. “You told her about abandoning an old man after you said you’d take me with you?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, gramps. I told her much worse thing I’ve done, too.” Dan shot back.

Pinkie grinned and bounded over to Dan, reaching for his hand, then turning back to the old man. “This one seemed easy enough to correct.”

The old man raised his eyebrows. “Fighting your way through a gang of angry, wild, dance fighters seemed ‘easy’?”

Dan and Pinkie exchanged glances, and shrugged, looking back at the old man. “We’ve faced worse.” They said in unison.

The old man chuckled and pointed his cane at Dan. “Hold onto that one, boy, ‘Cause you ain’t never going to be lucky enough to find a woman like that again.”

Dan grinned and gave Pinkie’s hand a squeeze. “I know.”

*

The old man climbed into the back seat of the red hatchback as Dan and Pinkie sat down in the front.

Dan turned the ignition key, starting the car. He put it into gear and pulled out onto the highway, driving past a battered green sign that read:

‘WELCOME TO PEMBROKE’‘Home of the Dance’

The old man smiled to himself as he looked out the window, resting his hands on his cane and shaking his head. “Never thought I’d make it out of there alive. Thanks, Peperoncino. Better late than never.”

“Thank Pinkie.” Dan said simply. “She insisted we come rescue you, and I can never say ‘no’ to her.”

The old man smiled. “Alright, thank you, miss. Guess I owe you one.”

Pinkie glanced at Dan. “That’s okay.” She replied. “I’ve got plenty right here.”

“Alright, enough mushy stuff.” Dan insisted. “I’m trying to drive and you’re starting to get me car sick.”

Pinkie giggled. “Oooo!” She turned in her seat to face the old man. “We brought you something to help get you started!” Pinkie announced cheerfully, pointing down at an expensive looking silver case on the backseat floor. “We figured you wouldn’t have a lot after being cooped up in a scary town like that for so long…”

The old man set his cane aside and reached down to pick up the case, sitting it on his lap.

“Open it! Open it!” Pinkie said, excitedly hopping up and down on her seat and clapping her hands together.

The old man looked at her for a second, then looked back to the case, unlatching and opening it. He gasped. “Young lady, do you have any idea of how much money is in this thing?!”

Pinkie shrugged with a smile. “I have no idea!”

“Honestly, they’re pretty tedious to count.” Dan informed as he continued to stare out into the desert surrounded road.

“You have more of these?!” The old man exclaimed in a shocked tone.

“We hit Vegas on a day when Pinkie felt lucky.” Dan explained. He chuckled. “You’re lucky we’re giving you the case instead of firing the money at you out of a cannon.”

Pinkie held a hand up to her mouth and giggled quietly.

The old man closed the case as tears formed in his eyes. “You two can drop me off at the nearest city. I don’t think an old man like me could keep up with the two of you.”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief.

“If you’re sure…” Pinkie offered tentatively.

The old man smiled warmly at pinkie as he drummed his fingers on the case in his lap. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. This is more than enough to start a new life.”

***

Dan and Pinkie waved at the old man as Dan pulled the hatchback out of the parking lot, a large, tan, three story hotel slowly shrank in the distance as he drove off.

Pinkie turned to Dan. “See! Doesn’t it feel good to do nice things for people?” She asked with a cheerful smile.

Dan looked back at her, raising an eyebrow. “Honestly? It feels weird, like there’s this hot…crawling sensation all over my body.”

“Awwww, sounds like someone has a case of the warm, fuzzies!” Pinkie responded, flashing Dan a dazzling smile.

“Elchk. It feels unnatural and strange, like I need a scalding hot shower to make it go away…Or maybe do something to counterbalance it…” Dan glanced at the car ceiling for a split second and then turned to Pinkie. “Wanna go back to Pembroke and burn the whole city to the ground?” He asked.

Pinkie’s eyes widened excitedly. “DO I?!” She replied. She suddenly exhaled a hubiginnorgantuan amount of air. “Do you think there’s enough buildings that we could spell out ‘Dan and Pinkie forever’ surrounded by a heart with fire?!”

Dan’s smiled evilly as he drove on. “Only one way to find out…”

Pinkie produced a large, red, rectangular gas canister beamed wide enough that her lips made an audible ‘squee’ sound.

***

A twisted hand with long, jagged fingernails twitches from under a pile of bruised and battered sub-human dance monsters. Two shadows overlap the pile, as the owners stand illuminated by the bright beams of headlights.

“Weellll that was fun!” Pinkie announces, as she wipes blood off her pink crowbar with a dingy, blood soaked rag.

“I liked the part where they stopped moving.” Dan adds, similarly cleaning blood off of a wooden baseball bat.

Pinkie holds up the gas canister next to her face and shakes it with an excited smile. “Phase 2?” She asks.

Dan holds up his golden Zippo lighter. “Phase 2.” He answers.

**

‘Click’

Pinkie smiled down at her small, pink camera and held the camera out so Dan could see the last shot photo. “Definitely one for the scrap-book.” Pinkie stated happily.

“Yeaaah…” Dan said contently, looking over the blazing city of Pembroke from the couple’s perch on the city’s water tower. The words “Dan & Pinkie Forever” illuminated the night, all surrounded by a large, fiery heart as the flames shot high into the darkness.

Pinkie placed the camera back in her pink bag and leaned against Dan. She wrapped her arms around Dan’s arm and leaned her head on his shoulder.

“Alright, I can get used to this type of warm, fuzzy feeling.” Dan said contently.

Pinkie turned towards Dan and brushed a collection of pink curls away from her face. “Just so long as you’re happy.” She said.

Dan turned to Pinkie and raised a hand to gently caress her cheek. “You know what? I really am.”

Pinkie smiled warmly and wrapped her arms around Dan’s neck, drawing him closer to her as she leaned her head down, closed her eyes, and pursed her lips.

Dan titled his head up, closed his eyes, and pursed his lips.

Dan and Pinkie kissed passionately as the fire below danced a declaration of love to the couple above.

***

Author’s note:

The below gets a bit steamy, albeit, in a rather awkward, and kinda dorky way. Still well within a ‘teen’ rating, and pretty much par for the course with these two goofballs…

***

Dan and Pinkie sat on their blue couch in front of the T.V. watching as Salma Hayek dresses the wounds of a shirtless Antonio Banderas.

Pinkie snuggled up to Dan, her arms wrapped around one of his as she leaned a head full of long, curly, pink hair against his shoulder. Her pink dress hung off a couple of shoulder straps and hugged her body, the pink skirt of the dress sitting bunched up on her thighs above her knees as she scooched as close to Dan as humanly possible.

Dan chuckled softly, this was the second time El Mariachi was having his wounds looked over by Carolina, Pinkie had commented that it reminded her of the two of them. He shimmied his arm out of Pinkie’s grasp and looped it around her waist, Pinkie leaned her head against Dan’s chest in response.

Dan continued to stare at the T.V. only half paying attention as he mused on the past few days.

It’s about time that idiot Wally finally got some new meat at the bakery, even with Chris that place was still a madhouse, and not to mention I had to make sure he didn’t eat everything before it gets to the customers or hit a display case.

I can’t believe we actually got to sleep in past an ungodly hour of the morning. Stupid job draining the life out of us by the end of the day and only leaving us with enough energy to pass out on the couch or the bed each night. Everyone’s lucky I didn’t burn the place down for screwing with my love life…heck, I’ve burned down lots of other places for far, farless…

…Crud…well…this is awkward…those two are really going at it…I forgot about this scene…

…Alright, be cool…it can’t last thatlong, right, right?!

…

I was wrong…

…

…Aaaaand It’s getting worse…

…Great, now I’m subjecting my girlfriend to soft-core porn, awesome sauce…

Maybe Pinkie will just ignore it and…

…

THERE’S A GIRL ON MY LAP!

Dan’s train of thought derailed and crashed into a ravine as if it had just gone over a destroyed bridge during Superman’s lunch break. Without warning, Pinkie had swung her legs over his thighs, scooted up onto his lap, and pressed moist lips against his. The movie and awkwardness of the previous moment were quickly forgotten as his brain scrambled to process just exactly what was going on and what he should be doing.

Alright…uh…kissing mode engaged…

Erm…hands! Hands…what the heck do I do with my hands?!

I mean…one on her back and one on her head has worked well so far…

Wow, she’s really getting into this…and…

Yep, she’s going for my shirt…

Alright, hands straight up…easy enough…

…okay, shirt is off…uh…I guess…I should take her’s off, too?

…Wait! She’s wearing a dress…What the heck is the protocol here?! I guess I could move the straps off of her shoulders and…

‘BANG’

“OW!” Dan yelped as he felt a sharp pain on his lower lip as Pinkie flinched in his lap.

Gunfire erupted from the television set as the movie kicked back into an action scene.

“Ah! Sorry, Dan! What I do?!” Pinkie squeakily exclaimed in a flustered tone. “Are you okay?!”

Dan held his hand over his mouth and instinctively shot Pinkie a glare. “You bwit my liwp.” He informed.

Pinkie’s eyes widened as the flustered expression on her face increased in severity. “Ah! Sorry! I didn’t mean to…I just…oooohhh…” Pinkie hopped off of Dan’s lap and sprinted towards the door of the apartment.

“Wait! Pinkie!” Dan called out. “It’s not a big…”

‘SLAM’

“…deal…” Dan finished weakly, pulling back his hand to examine the small trickle of blood that had pooled on his palm. Dan sighed.

There really should be instructions for these sorts of things…

*

Pinkie sprinted down the walkway and ran quickly down the stairs, trying to put a little distance between her and the awkward situation she was now blaming herself for creating.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Ullllggg!

We finallyhave day where Dan and I don’t have to work or go rescue anyone, or blow up anything and I blow it! ERGGGGGGGHHHHH!

WHY AREN’T THERE INSTRUCTIONS FOR THESE SORTS OF THINGS?!

Feeling she had put adequate distance in between her and the apartment, she balled her hands into fists, threw her arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“Viirginityeeeeeeeeee!”Pinkie Vs.Virginity

Pinkie scornfully looked up at the words floating in the sky above her. “Geez! Tell the whole world, why dontcha?” She shouted.

End Part 7

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “NO! You get back here!”

Uhhh…

Almost?

Pinkie nodded. “That’s better.”

Part 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity: Chapter 47 Dan Vs. Science

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity  Chapter 47 Dan Vs. Science

*****

Author’s notes: The below is a little spicier than usual, but still ‘teen’.

Response to the last chapter was positive all around, so I’m just going to shut up and stop worrying. ^_^;;

Splitting this into two or more parts as it’s turning out to be longer than anticipated (as usual).

*****

Pinkie scornfully looked up at the words floating in the sky above her. “Geez! Tell the whole world, why dontcha?” She shouted.

You said that already.

Pinkie folded her arms and rolled her eyes. “Chapter breaks, D’uh!”

Of course, how silly of me…Anyhow, we’re on chapter 47 of this thing, not including prologues and epilogues. I mean, you should have known what was going to happen…

“Oooh…leave me alone.” Pinkie said with a sullen look as she folded her arms and turned away.

Uh…I sort of…can’t…

Pinkie sighed. “Fine, maybe you can at least give me some advice.”

Erm…that’s kinda cheating, isn’t it?

“Oh, come on! It’s the least you can do after the chapters and chapters of ship teasing and near kisses…” Pinkie argued.

Well…you can always just…go back, it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

Pinkie inhaled huge volume of air. “NOT A BIG DEAL?! I COMPLETELY ruined the moment.”

You know, maybe it was for the best. I mean, you can have a heck of a lot better moment than making your move because of Desperado’s lengthy, kinda bizarre sex scene…

“See!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I have no idea what I’m doing!”

You seemed to have a pretty good idea of it in the bakery a couple instalments back…

“I got swept up in the moment, alright!” Pinkie reasoned.

Also, that whole water tower thing over Pembroke was hecka romantic…for you two, at least…That would have been a good time.

“No way!” Pinkie insisted, throwing her arms out to her sides as she continued arguing with the sky above her. “I still had dance-monster blood on my clothes!” She added.

Well…I doubt that would have mattered for very long…

“Also, it was pretty cold out there!” Pinkie added. “Even with the huge fire below.” Pinkie paused. “I’d sorta like to not have complaints after all of this…”

Fair enough. Uh…look, this is getting a tad self-indulgent, so why don’t you ask one of your friends for advice?

“Who did you have in mind?” Pinkie asked raising an eyebrow.

Rarity.

“Huh? Why her, specifically?”

Think about what would happen if you asked your other friends, for a second.

“Oh, uhh…well Spike is out, obviously.”

Obviously.

“Dashie would probably just suggest I just go for it.”

Go on…

“The conversation would likely be more embarrassing for Fluttershy than me…”

Heh, definitely.

“Hmmm…Do you think Applejack would tell me to wait until I was married?”

She might…I mean, if anypony would…I’m sure she’d at least suggest you not rush things…

“Yeah…uh…Twilight would probably break out charts and graph and turn the whole thing into some sort of skeeve science presentation…”

HehehehHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…No, I take it back, you should totally ask Twilight.

“No way!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I want to make this romantic, and not have my first time be broken down into some sort of mathematical equation.”

Hehe, alright. So, Rarity. Oh, you should also aimlessly shuffle around for several minutes before calling Elise to have her pick you up.

“Uh, why?” Pinkie asked.

Because I couldn’t figure out how I was going to get the timing right for a scene coming up, otherwise…

“Oh…Okay…sure…”

<*>

“…SO, factoring in California’s weather forecast and Pinkie’s and your likely pheromone levels, when cross checked with both of your work schedules and predictive meal schedules; your best time to act is actually in a little over three weeks from now.”

“Sparkler?” Dan called out from behind the palms he had buried his face in.

“Yes, Dan? Do you have a question about my model?” Twilight asked from the other side of the mirror, charts of various colors and types surround her, all neatly displayed on a collection of easels “…If you look at chart ‘B’ along the X-Axis,” Twilight motions out to a large line chart labeled ‘PSR over time; a black and a pink line dip down and ascends up at various points, both eventually sloping up and meeting at a point towards the end of the sheet of paper, “You’ll see that both of you will be at peak sensual receptiveness, or PSR, for short…”

“Twilight?” Dan called, moving his hands and leveling angry, twitching eyes at the Alicorn. “I am going to go to my mad scientist neighbor downstairs and ask if I can borrow his lightning gun, which is a tangible thing that actually exists and shoots lightning, REAL LIGHTNING! And he will give it to me because Pinkie and I are such” – Dan air quotes – “‘great sports’ about all his experiments, and then I will come back here and I will shoot you through this magic, two-way, dimensional mirror system and I won’t stop shooting until I know you’re dead and Pinkie will be very sad until I explain to her what you just told me, and then she’ll understand why I had to kill you, and then everything will be fine again and I’ll never have to hear the phrase ‘maximal sexual receptiveness’ again.”

“Peak sensual receptiveness!” Twilight corrected. “Besides,” Twilight added chuckling slightly, “you can’t just fire lightning at the mirror and expect it to show up here!” Twilight insisted. “I was going to use magic to send energy over there!” She informed. “You’d probably just destroy the mirror and hurt yourself!” She reasoned.

“ULG! I hate you! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! I wish I could HATE you to death!” Dan said, fuming angrily at the purple alicorn.

“Dan, you should calm down! I didn’t anticipate you’d actually ask me for help! All this anger is throwing off my calc…” Twilight paused with a confused expression, her ears flopped down as she examined the angry man on the other side of the mirror. “What are you doing?”

Dan’s face was bright red as he grimaced and quivered. A vein began to appear on his forehead. “I’m trying to concentrate my hate really hard so you’ll DIE!” Dan explained through clenched teeth.

Twilight sighed. “Dan, that’s not going to work. You need magic to get things past the mirror, not previously unknown, latent psychic ability.”

Dan paused. “Do you actually know if psychic energy can’t pass through the mirror?”

“Well…No.” Twilight admitted, glancing up for a second, her ears perking back up. She looked back at Dan. “But…logically…”

“Logic nothing! I’m going back to HATING YOU TO DEATH!” Dan resumed his quivering, red faced rage; directing it all at Twilight Sparkle across the vast, winding multiverse.

“Dan, stop!” Twilight pleaded. “You look like you’re about to pop a blood vessel, and that will really throw off my calculations!”

“WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE ALL THIS?!” Dan demanded motioning out to the mirror. “I just asked if you had a great idea to sweep Pinkie off her feet!” Dan paused for a moment, and leveled an angry index finger at Twilight. “Do you all have another bet going?”

Twilight blushed and grinned sheepishly. “Uh…maybe?”

<*>

“I still think this is stupid!” Dan exclaimed.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed next to Dan, a red, floral shirted and denim short wearing Pinkie shoots Dan a small, imploring look. “Come on, Dan, they’re my best friends!” Pinkie said motioning to the mirror.

Through the mirror, Pinkie’s friends sat in Twilight’s library, staring back at the two on the bed.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh, alright…”

“Twilight…Rarity…Dashie…Fluttershy…A.J….Spike?” Pinkie said tentatively.

Pinkie’s friends drew closer to the mirror, wide eyed with anticipation. “Yes?” They asked in unison.

“Uh…well…this is hard kinda hard to say…but Dan and I are…” Pinkie trailed off as she struggled to inform her friends of the big development in her life.

“You got hitched.” Applejack suggested.

Fluttershy gasped. “Oh my!”

Dan and Pinkie looked at each other. “What?!” They looked back at Applejack. “WHAT?!”

“Oh! Oh! I know.” Rainbow Dash said, flapping herself up and down as she held a forehoof aloft. “Eloping!”

Fluttershy gasped. “Oh my!”

“That’s stupid! YOU’RE STUPID!” Dan exclaimed. “Why would we need to elope?! We live in our own apartment together!”

“Oooh, yeah…” Rainbow replied, rubbing a forehoof over her chin.

“Pregnant!” Twilight suggested.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged worried looks between each other and turned back to the mirror. “WHAT?!”

Fluttershy gasped. “Oh my!”

“Darling, did you forget to take your pills?” Rarity asked.

“Wait…what pills?” Dan asked, knitting his brow.

Pinkie blushed a luminescent shade of red.

“Never you mind…” She said to Dan.

She looked at Fluttershy. “Stop it.” She said simply.

She turned to Rarity. “No, I didn’t.” She informed.

She turned to Twilight. “Heck no!”

There was a pause as the ponies all put on contemplative looks, many of them tapping hoofs against their chins, somehow all being sucked into a guessing game without provocation.

“You’ve both started a sadomasochistic relationship where Dan wears a vinyl suit that completely covers his body and begs Pinkie to dehumanize him and hit him with a whip while she demands he call her ‘Queen’.” Pinkie suggested.

“WHAT?!” Everypony (plus one dragon) on the other side of the mirror exclaimed.

Fluttershy put a foreleg up to her head and, stood up on her hind legs, and fell backwards, fainting.

“Wait…” Dan said looking over at Pinkie. “Why would you make one up yourself?”

Pinkie giggled and shrugged. “It looked like fun!” She exclaimed.

“Uh…you’re in love?” Spike suggested.

“Oooo! Oooo! Yes! That one!” Pinkie responded happily pointing back at Spike.

The ponies exploded into fits of laughter, except Fluttershy, who merely twitched an upright back leg in response.

Dan sighed.

Pinkie’s smile dropped. “Uh…why is everypony laughing?”

“Heheh…Sorry, dear, but it was just so obvious for such a long time!” Rarity exclaimed.

Pinkie sighed and hung her head. “Yeah…I know…”

“I told you this was a stupid idea!” Dan reminded irritably from the bed.

“Awww,” Pinkie patted one of Dan’s hands, “but it was so much fun telling them…”

“For you maybe…” Dan grumbled.

Rarity grinned wide. “So! When was the big confession?”

Dan looked over Rarity suspiciously.

“Two days after my birthday!” Pinkie exclaimed exuberantly.

Rarity’s smile fell slightly. “Oh past it…how nice…congratulations.” She offered.

“Heh, guess you won the big bet, then, huh A.J?” Spike said to the orange earth pony.

“SPIKE!” Twilight shouted.

“Ooops…sorry…” Spike offered sheepishly.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged glances again and stared at the occupants of the mirror, with interrogative eyes.

“…You all placed bets on when we’d confess to eachother, didn’t you?” Dan asked, lacing his words with lethal poison.

The colorful collection of ponies and baby dragon offered up nervous grins to the question.

Pinkie’s eyes darted over the group, she quickly picked out the weak link and went in for the kill. “Applejack? Is that true?”

“Er…well… sorta…” Applejack began as she struggled for an answer.

Pinkie pressed on. “And by ‘sorta’ you mean, ‘yes’?” Pinkie suggested.

Applejack looked down and put a forehoof up to her hat, lowering it over her eyes. “Uh, Twilight? Care to explain? She’s cracking me faster than a whip at a rodeo competition.”

Twilight sighed. “Technically, there were and are multiple betting pools. Applejack just won the biggest pool, in regards to when a confession would occur. She picked after Pinkie’s birthday…everypony else picked some time before that…” She explained.

Rainbow Dash folded her forelegs against her chest and sighed as she continued to hover. “I lost almost all the bets weeks ago…”

Pinkie smirked at Rarity. “You picked my birthday, didn’t you?”

Rarity blushed, continuing her nervous grin. “Well, I thought it would be so romantic.”

Pinkie giggled and reached for the hand of her quietly fuming boyfriend. “Well, it would have been, but Dan suffered some sort of crisis of conscious.”

“Don’t tell them that!” Dan demanded angrily at Pinkie, motioning towards the mirror as he interlaced his fingers with hers regardless.

“Uh…sorry about that…” Twilight said meekly.

Dan shot the purple alicorn an irritated glance, but waved his hand dismissively. “Forget it Sparkles. You already apologized, I told you to die painfully in a fire,” Dan paused, “which I can’t help but noticed you haven’t done yet, by the way…”

“Uh, I don’t think you actually said that.” Twilight replied.

“Oh well…maybe I just thought it really hard…” Dan replied as he glanced away for a second and rubbed his chin. “Anyhow, your little quip made me have a revelation of sorts and I actually did a few things without thinking of myself for a change…”

Fluttershy suddenly shot back up to her feet. “You did?” The yellow pegasus exclaimed. “Dan I’m so proud of you! This is such a big step from you! How did it make you feel?” She asked with curious, eager eyes and ears pointed towards the ceiling.

“Uh…nice…I guess.” Dan offered. His expression quickly changed to a glower leveled at the ponies in the mirror. “But only when I do it for Pinkie, otherwise it feels weird and icky!” He explained.

Pinkie giggled and leaned over to plant a quick peck on Dan’s cheek. “Good enough for me.” She cooed.

The five mares all “Awww…”ed in response.

Dan looked at Applejack. “Wait…you gave me advice that would have caused you to lose the bet?!” Dan asked surprised.

Applejack looked up and placed her hat back in its place. “Shoot Partner, it was just money! What I said was the right thing to do. I’m not gonna meddle in your affairs just for a pile of bits.” Applejack explained. The orange earth pony smiled. “In fact, we all swore we wouldn’t manipulate you two specifically for our own gains. That wouldn’t exactly be fair, now would it?”

The other mares nodded in agreement.

“Aww, you guys are such great friends!” Pinkie declared joyfully. Her smile dropped slightly. “But I probably could have done with a liiittle manipulation to move things along a bit faster…” Pinkie admitted, trailing off at the end.

“Truth be told, it was pretty cute to watch you go on and on about Dan without you figuring out how you felt, dearie.” Rarity explained with a titter and smile.

“Though, some of your stories were pretty scary…” Fluttershy added.

Pinkie blushed slightly at the two mares as she grinned nervously.

Dan sighed. “You’re all lucky things worked out so well otherwise I’d be figuring how to club you all to death through dimensions.”

The mares and dragon all chuckled in response.

“What are the other bets, anyways?” Dan asked.

The group stopped their chuckling and went back to looking nervous.

“Dan! Let them have their fun!” Pinkie asked.

“But…” Dan began to protest.

Pinkie reached over and grabbed Dan’s other hand. “I’m just happy they’re still having fun with me, even if I’m not exactly there to provide it in pony.” Pinkie looked at Dan with large, sky-blue pleading eyes and stuck her lower lip out in a pout. “Let them have this, for me…pleeeease?”

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes. “Oh, alright.”

Pinkie smiled and leaned in to plant a big, loving kiss on Dan’s lips.

There was a few gasps from the couple’s otherworldly audience.

Dan and Pinkie broke lip contact to stare at the mares on the other side of the mirror.

“Oh, what do you idiots want now?!” Dan asked irritably.

“Uh…Nothing!” Twilight declared with a nervous grin. “We’re…fine…” Twilight stressed complete with unconvincing grin.

Spike rolled his eyes. “They want to know when your first kiss was.” He explained.

Dan buried his face in his palm and grumbled to himself.

Pinkie grinned. “The same night Dan and I confessed.” She answered.

“Yes! Yes!  YES!” Rarity exclaimed thrusting a triumphant hoof into the air. She looked from side to side as she realized all eyes had shifted to her. “Uh…ahem…” Rarity placed a hoof to her face as she pretended to clear her throat. “…congratulations?” Rarity offered embarrassedly looking from face to face.

“HeheheHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Pinkie began laughing uncontrollably, loosening her grip on Dan to throw herself back on the bed as she chortled and kicked her bare, pink nail polished feet up and down over the edge.

Her laughter was soon joined by the occupants of the library.

Dan sighed and removed the hand from his face. He looked over his curly, pink haired love as she continued her unbridled laughter on the bed. He allowed himself a smile and chuckled softly to himself.

*<

 “This is totally a bet thing and you’re meddling so you’ll win, you dirty, rotten cheater, you!” Dan accused.

“Wait a minute!” Twilight protested. “Okay, yes…I may have calculated all of this out so I could win a bet, but I’m telling you this for your own good, too!” Twilight insisted.

“Sparkler, for the last several nights in a row, Pinkie and I have been too exhausted to do much else except eat some dinner and pass out together. I can’t possibly imagine a stupider suggestion than us awkwardly holding each other for hours as we share the bed and uncomfortably pretend we’re falling asleep being for our ‘own good’.” Dan countered, placing air quotes around ‘own good’.

“No, you see, I factored that in!” Twilight declared. “Now, if you look over to figure ‘E’,” Twilight motioned over to a bar chart labeled ‘Tension Buildup’ that had a series of thick, rectangular lines that shot up from the bottom of a sheet of paper and steadily climbed towards the end of the chart, “You’ll see that these nights of near contact continually feed your pheromone levels and…”

“Sparkler, did you break out the same stupid charts and stuff for the orange, flying horse?” Dan asked cocking an eyebrow.

“You mean Flash Sentry?” Twilight asked. “Why, yes, actually!” Twilight responded cheerily.

“And did he actually go for any of it?”

“Actually, he erm…seduced me in the middle of my explanation…” Twilight responded as her wings slowly began to raise.

Dan rolled his eyes, “Ah, throwing all caution to the wind and turning a blind eye to science as he made love to you, no doubt, on top of one of your ridiculous charts.” He shook his head. “It must have been better than you could have imagined.” He added sarcastically.

Twilight sighed wistfully and looked up towards the ceiling. “It certainly was…” She mused, her wings continuing to extend towards their limits.

Dan paused. “Wow, and here I thought I was making that all up! You two dweebs actually did do the deed surrounded by some of these bizarre and perverse charts?” He whistled. “You two must have gotten some pretty nasty paper cuts.

Twilight’s wings reached their full span. “Yeah, but it was worth it!” Twilight declared happily.

Dan merely blink in replied.

“ACK!” Twilight declared as her face turned bright red, her wings retracting towards her body; it finally dawning on her what she was saying and who she was talking to. “WHY AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS?!”

“Uh…”

In a flash of purple, the mirror went blank, replaced by a high pitched tone; a message that read ‘PLEASE STAND BY’ in bright, white bold letters in front of a series of circles, lines, numbers; and a line drawing of a proud looking buffalo wearing a feathered headdress.

*

Twilight lowered her head, ears, and exhaled slowly, allowing the hot, flushed feeling to leave her face. She took a few calming breaths and trotted across the library floor and knocked on a wooden door with a round, metal handle. “Spike? I’m coming in!”

“Okay!” The baby dragon replied.

As a purple glow surrounded the door knob and the door swung open.

“You can come out, now.” Twilight offered cheerfully.

Spike grinned from his bubble bath and continued to scrub his back with a large brush. “Naw, I’m good.” Spike paused and gave Twilight a concerned look. “Uh, Twilight? You’re bleeding.” Spike said pointing towards his own nose.

Twilight eyes widened slightly as she looked at the dragon. She wiped a foreleg under her nose and examined it. A small streak of red blood sat atop her purple fur.

“Huh…” Twilight squinted at the small amount of blood. “I wonder…” Twilight waved her hoof dismissing the notion. “Naw, couldn’t be…” She said, staring off into open space.

“Uh…everything okay, Twilight?” Spike asked.

Twilight smiled. “Everything’s fine!” She assured. “Uh…Spike?”

The bubbles shifted and the water sloshed as Spike leaned his arms on the edge of the tub and rested his head on them “Yes, Twilight?”

“What would you say to a short trip to Canterlot in a bit?”

Spike chuckled. “You work enough free time into your latest checklist to meet up with tall, orange, and handsome?” He asked with a knowing smile

Twilight blushed. “I may be just a bit ahead of schedule…” she offered.

*

Dan sighed for about the dozenth time of the day as he paced in front of the TV.

Alright, Danny boy, Sparkler was a bust...a disturbing, nightmare inducing bust. That’s okay, just get someone else to help you…

Dan stopped pacing to tap a finger against his chin and stare at the ceiling.

…Wow…uhhh…my options are either Chris, his wife, more useless ponies, Wally, that…cross eyed girl who works at the bakery, or a filthy hippy…

That is really, reallygrim…

Dan sighed again.

Chris it is…

Dan pulled out his smartphone and rapidly dialed a number.

-

Chris and Elise heard the sound of two phones simultaneously ringing. Chris held a spray bottle and looked over towards his wife to find she was mirroring a quizzical expression as she looked up from her copy of Quantum Physics and You: Stop Looking and Start Bending Reality.

The two reached for their phones as they continued to lock eyes with eachother. Simultaneously, they hit the green ‘Answer’ buttons on their respective screens.

“Dan?” Chris asked into his phone.

“Pinkie?” Elise asked into her phone.

“Chris!” Dan answered back. “Look, I need to come pick you up.”

“Elise!” Pinkie answered back. “Apparently I need you to come pick me up.”

Chris and Elise continued to stare at each other as they found surprise mirrored back at them from the other’s face.

“Uh…sure Dan. I’ll be right here.”

“Uh…sure Pinkie. I’ll be right there.”

 “You better be! Or you’re on what’s-her-name and hippy watching duty for the next week!” Dan responded irritably.

“Thanks, Elise! I’ll see you soon for…whatever it is I end up needing!” Pinkie responded cheerfully.

Dan terminated his call with Chris.

Pinkie terminated her call with Elise.

“Now…” Pinkie said as she walked up the apartment stairs. “I need something convincing to tell...”

“…Pinkie so she doesn’t suspect anything when…”

“…I need to get back into the apartment and spend some time alone with Rarity…”

“…as I figure out something to sweep her off her feet tonight…”

With little more a few feet between them, Dan opened the apartment door revealing Pinkie on the other side.

There was a brief pause as the two simply stared at each other.

“Pinkie, I…”

“Dan, I…”

“…Had a horrendously bad, and painful, experience in the bath since I saw you last…”

“…Need to count my previously unknown, hidden, large, and dangerous collection of…”

“…and now have to go on a private vengeance run against bath salts.”

“…poisonous vipers to see if I have room for one more in the apartment.”

“Wait, What?” The two said in unison. “No, never mind. That’s fine!” The two insisted to eachother, smiling and waving dismissive hands. “So! See you tonight?” The couple asked each other. “Great! See you then! Love ya!” The two quickly leaned forward and planted a small kiss on eachother’s lips and quickly swapped places. Pinkie closing the door to the apartment behind her.

The two leaned against the apartment door and chuckled mischievously to themselves.

“(S)he suspects nothing!” The two declared to themselves.

Dan smiled to himself as he walked away from the door and down the apartment walkway.

Pinkie smiled to herself as she bounded into the bedroom.

Part 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity: Chapter 48 Pinkie Vs. Menstrual Cycles

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity  Chapter 48 Pinkie Vs. Menstrual Cycles

*****

Author’s notes: More potentially funny, possibly heartwarming, but also hecka awkward situations as we continue with this part.

*****

Chris and Elise put their phones back inside their pockets and continued to exchange confused glances.

“Trouble in paradise?” Chris suggested.

Elise lowered one eyebrow and raised the other, giving this some thought. “Maybe…but they’ve barely started being a couple, and this has been their first full day off since they started working.” Elise looked back at her husband. “Do you really think they’d get into a fight right away?”

Chris wrapped a thumb and forefinger around his chin. “Hmmmm…honeslty, I’d more expect them to barricade the door and windows to their apartment and put up a big sign threatening anyone who approaches with painful sounding violence.” He replied.

“Yeah, that sounds about right for those two…” Elise agreed. The hints of a smile pulled at the corner of her lips. “I have a feeling there’s some sort of relationship aspects the two aren’t accustomed to that they’re working through…”

Chris stared blankly at Elise. “And the award for most vague explanation goes too…” Chris motioned out towards his wife.

Elise rolled her eyes and smiled. “Well, you know how those two have been innocently sharing a bed for months now?”

Chris nodded.

“Okay, now think about that and consider how awkward that’s gotta be now that they’re officially a couple.”

Chris pondered this. “Well…they seem to have gotten the hang of sloppy make outs when no one is watching, or if they think no one is watching, or if they’ve just gotten to the point where they’ve stopped caring if anyone is watching…heck. D.H. hit them with a half-dozen cupcakes the other day and I watched Pinkie clean the frosting off of Dan’s face with her tongue.”

“Uh…that’s…okay…wow…” Elise responded, trying to reconcile the image of the bubbly, sweet girl she knew with what Chris had just told her.

Chris waved a dismissive hand. “It’s probably not as steamy as you’re imagining. Something much closer to a squeegee on a car window than an inappropriate, public display of affection.”

Elise chuckled. “Okay, that sounds more like Pinkie. But, I still think this is new territory for them. They’ve both shown ‘adult’”—Elise air quoted—“situations aren’t either of their fortes.”

<*Over two months ago*>

Dan banged on the cheap, wooden, hollow core door. “Come on! You’ve been in there for hours! You can do all that pathetic wailing and moaning on a pile of my shirts or something!” Dan declared.

“Dan…I think I’m dying-wying.” Pinkie answered weakly from behind the door.

Dan rolled his eyes. “You’ve been dying-wying for the last several days now. It’s getting old!” Dan threw out his arms and continued talking to Pinkie through the door. “If you’re going to die, at least have the decency to do it in the coffin I prepared for you!” He said, leveling an index finger at the door.

Pinkie whimpered in protest. “But…but, I don’t want to lie down in the garbage-warbage...”

-

Outside Casa Paradisio, a large, brown dumpster sits, flies buzzing around the top of it. On the front of it, a message in black spray-paint written in a crooked, ham-fisted manner reads:

‘Here lies Pinky D-something Pie’‘Born at some point - Please die already and stop whining’‘Died moaning in excruciating pain, just like everyone else’

-

“I mean…you didn’t even remember my middle name…or spell my first name righty-whity!” Pinkie replied.

“You’ll care a heck of a lot less about both those things when you’re finally dead.”

“Daaaan…”Pinkie moaned out. “I think my host body is rejecting-wejecting me!”

“STOP DOING THAT!” Dan yelled at the door.

“Just…trying to keep my spirits-wirits…

“SERIOUSLY! KNOCK IT OFF OR I’LL COME IN THEIR AND PUT YOU OUT OF MY MISERY!” Dan screamed at the door.

“…up.”

“Also, how many times do I have to tell you, you moron?!” Dan shouted angrily at the door. “You don’t have a host body! No woman is stupid enough to go walking around a neighborhood this bad at night with an expensive looking bag like that! Standing around with a large sign that read ‘Please mug and kidnap me.’ would have been far less dangerous.”

“But it perfectly-werfe…er explains the two lumps on my chest!” Pinkie responded. “And why they hurt so much!” She added

Dan gave an exasperated sigh and smacked a palm against his face, dragging it down in frustration. “No, you idiot! We’ve been over this! Those aren’t ‘two souls’ trapped in your body. I mean…you’ve seen Elise! She has them, too!”

There was a pause. “…Maybe Elise is from another world, too!”

It was Dan’s turn to pause and think about this. “I…okay, that would explain some things…but seriously...every other woman has those, as well…”

“Maybe all women on this planet are from another world..?” Pinkie offered.

“…You know, I’m half attempted to phone this crack-brained theory into K-L-I-E.” Dan said as he rubbed his chin. “If it weren’t for the fact that I’d sound like a pathetic loser, that is…” Dan turned back to the door. “Can you, please just go find somewhere else to whine pathetically for a while?”

“I…uh…can’t…” Pinkie said meekly.

Dan sighed. “And why’s that?” He growled out.

“I’m…leaking…”

Dan knitted his brow. “From which orifice?”

“I…don’t want to say…”

Dan rubbed his chin contemplatively. Suddenly his eyes widened as he snapped his fingers. “I got it! Your body’s used to being on the estrous cycle, you being horse and all... not…whatever it is girls go through once a month…”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie responded squeakily. “HOW OFTEN!?” Pinkie’s moaning slowly changed to quiet sobbing.

Dan rolled his eyes, “Oh get over yourself, you big baby. It’s not that bad.”

“Try it!” Pinkie shot back.

Dan grinned to himself. “I’m a guy, I don’t have to!” He sang out at the door.

“…”

“Pinkie?”

“Sorry…just…sorting out how I can recreate this experience for you…so far I need a knife and a baseball bat.”

Dan’s expression turned nervous. “Uhh…Why don’t I get you some help?”

“…Do I…do I need an ambulance?”

“More like a WAHmulance!” Dan suggested chuckling.

“…”

“Uh…Pinkie?”

There was a quiet giggle. “No wait, I get it…Ooo! Plunger! That’ll be handy…”

“Uh, I’m just going to call Elise.” Dan replied as his nervous expression returned.

“WHAT?! Dan, no!” Pinkie pleaded. “I barely know her! I really, really, really don’t want this to be one of our earliest experiences in our friendship!”

“Look, your options are either I call Elise, or you stay in the bathroom for a few days.”

“WHAT?! HOW LONG?! How…WHY?! But…” Pinkie broke down into sobs once more.

“So...” Dan began. “Elise?” He offered.

Pinkie whimpered softly. “Yes, please…”

Dan walked past the large furniture fort in the middle of the apartment living area and into the kitchen area, pulled out his smartphone, pressed a few buttons on the screen, and put the phone to his ear.

“Dan?” A feminine voice responded. “And to what do I owe this dubious pleasure?”

“Don’t get snippy with me!” Dan said irritably into the phone. “I’m not calling for me. I’m calling for Pinkie.”

“Huh? What’s wrong with Pinkie?”

“She’s holed up in the bathroom having women’s issues.”

“…Uh…thanks for sharing. So?”

“SO, I need you to come here and deal with her!” Dan responded, his irritation turning into frustrated anger.

“Dan! Don’t be ridiculous! I barely know her!” Elise responded.

“Pinkie said the same thing.” Dan informed. “I think this would be a great bonding experience for the two of you! I mean, you have so much in common!”

“Dan, Pinkie and I have almost nothing in common!” Elise retorted.

“Sure you do!” Dan insisted. “She’s a woman…you’re a woman…you both…erm…presumably have regular scheduled bleeding after about a month.”

“Hanging up now…”

“No wait!” Dan said frantically into the phone. “I’ve been needing to use the bathroom for over an hour!”

“Dan! Look, this is really simple. You just drive to the store, walk to the feminine hygiene aisle and…”

“WHAT?! No, Elise. Just no! I’m not doing that. I’m never doing that! That is a bad idea!” Dan held his phone out a bit and pointed accusingly at it. “You just said a bad idea! I’d have no clue what to even get!”

“You could try, oh I don’t know, asking her!”

“That’s an even worse idea!” Dan responded as he put the phone back up to his ear and motioned out angrily with his free hand. “She has even less of an idea of what she needs.”

There was a long pause. “What? Dan, she’s at least twenty! She has to know!”

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger and sighed. “She’s used to being on the estrous cycle, not…the uh…monthly…girly…yelly cycle.”

“Wait, what’s the estrous cycle?”

“You are dumber than your idiot husband, sometimes, you know that?! The estrous cycle is what most mammalian therian females undergo during various times of the year for reproduction. Pinkie, having have been a pony up until this point…”

Elise sighed. “First of all, how the heck can you know that but not that human women have menstrual cycles!”

“What?!” Dan protested irately. “It’s not like that information has ever been relevant to me!”

“Oh, and the pony equivalent is?!”

“Therian!” Dan corrected. “It’s a subclass of mammals! You should really pick up a book sometime, Elise.”

“I read plenty!” Elise responded irritably. “Second of all, you seriously still believe Pinkie used to be a pony?”

“You really think it’s that farfetched after everything we’ve dealt with?!” Dan shot back.

“Okay, I’ll admit that we’ve seen some pretty weird things, but it’s far more likely Pinkie is just a confused, young woman…”

“Who’s still in my bathroom!” Dan reminded.

“Dan! I said no! You two will just have to figure it out yourselves!”

Dan sighed. “Well…I guess there’s enough space under the door I can always slide pancakes under it so Pinkie has some nourishment for the next several days…”

“…You wouldn’t!”

“Elise…look, I’m really out of my depth here, and Pinkie needs someone who at least has an idea of what they’re doing.”  Dan made a few gagging and choking sounds followed by a labored “Please?”

Elise gave an exasperated sigh into the phone. “Alright, fine. I’ll stop by a store on the way over…”

“Finally!” Dan replied. “Also, bring me a sandwich.”

“I will cut you!” Elise responded.

“Peanut Brittle?” Dan asked.

Elise gave another sigh. “Fine!”

Dan smiled and terminated the call.

-

Elise walked out of her and Chris’s bedroom, grumbling into the living room.

Chris looked up from his copy of WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS.

“Hey honey!” Elise called, her expression softening a bit. “How’s the book.”

Chris shrugged. “It’s okay, I was hoping the title was more literal, however.”

Elise smirked. “Alright, I’m heading out for a bit.”

Chris sat up. “Should I come with you?”

“Pinkie is having feminine issues.” Elise explained.

Chris sat down as his eyes went wide. “And that’s when Chris decided he would stay here.” He replied.

Elise chuckled and walked over to her husband, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “See you later.”

**

Elise grabbed another black box colored with flowing, neon colored lines that seemed to flow around the sides and put it in her basket to join the other.

It’s alright Elise, you can do this.

Yeah, It’s pretty weird that she’s an adult, but just think about it as practice for when, God and Chris willing, you have a daughter.

Hmm…How did mom do this for me?

<*****>

Elise sheepishly walked through the house towards her mother. Tall, thin, with shoulder length maroon hair with a small bow in it. A long-sleeved, white shirt with a heart on the front hung loosely over her small frame, and jeans clung to her waist heading down towards red and white sneakers.

“Mom?” Elise began weakly.

A short haired, blonde woman peered over the newspaper she was reading as she sat in a black easy chair. She sighed heavily. “Yes, Junior? What is it?”

Elise shifted uncomfortably on her feet. “I think that thing school talked about is happening to me…” She said faintly.

Elise Sr. paused. “What thing?”

“I’m…bleeding…down there…” Elise responded as her face flushed.

Elise Sr. stood up and adjusted her green, sleeveless shirt that sat above her blue jeans. “Alright, I’ve been preparing for this. Wait there.” She instructed. Elise Sr. walked off and quickly returned with a white box, with various pastel colors splashed across it and a sheet of line paper that had been written on. “Junior. Your body is going through a strange and wonderful process right now.” She handed her daughter the box and the sheet of paper.

Elise took the items and looked at them questionably.

Elise Sr. continued. “You’ll need those, there’s a set of instructions, now please never tell me about your bodies strange and wonderful processes again.” Elise Sr. said, sitting back down in her chair and opening her paper back up.

*****<

Elise stared blankly into open space in the ‘Feminine Hygiene’ aisle as she held her basket.

…Alright…

…Let’s not do that…

**

Elise gently knocked on the door to Apartment 8 as she held a large, paper grocery bags in her other arm.

She heard some shuffling on the other side of the door before Dan opened it and gave her one of his trademark grumpy expressions.

“Hey, Dan.” Elise greeted.

Dan merely held out his hand.

Elise rolled her eyes, dug into the grocery bag, fished out a small can labeled ‘Peanut Brittle’ and handed it to Dan.

Dan wordlessly accepted the can, opened the door wide, and extended a hand into the apartment. “She’s in the bathroom, still.” Dan said simply.

Elise entered the apartment as Dan closed the door behind her, walked back towards the foosball table, and crawled under it into the large fort he and Pinkie had erected.

Elise looked at the furniture and pillow structure quizzically, then shook her head. She walked towards the bathroom and knocked on the door.

“Ummm…Pinkie? It’s me, Elise! Can I come in?”

There was a brief pause followed by a weak, squeaky “Just a jiffy…”

Elise heard the sound of someone standing up, soft approaching steps to the door, the sound of a door being unlocked, then steps that got slightly quieter as they retreated from the door.

“Alright, come in…”

Elise tentatively opened the door and peered inside the narrow bathroom.

Pinkie sat on the toilet, her pink dress hung from her shoulders, the skirt covering her thighs and bunched up behind her. A small, blue jacket sat over her shoulders. Her pink, frazzled looking hair hung down over her face, and she clutched her arms around her abdomen.

Elise approached and got a closer look at Pinkie’s beet red face. Embarrassed didn’t even come close to describing the young woman’s expression, she was clearly mortified. Elise felt a pang of pity for the young adult in front of her. Whatever awkwardness Elise felt at the situation was clearly overshadowed by what Pinkie was experiencing.

“Uh…how are you feeling?” Elise asked, though Pinkie’s body language was doing a pretty good job of communicating that.

“Miserable…terrible…dreadful…awful…Ooo…” Pinkie looked up at Elise and managed a tiny smile. “Wretched, wretched is a really good word for how I’m feeling right now.”

Elise gave Pinkie a warm smile and sat on the edge of the bathtub across from her. “I know something that will help you feel better.” She sat the brown grocery bag and dug out a small, rectangular box, and opened it. Elise slid out a foil sheet with evenly placed bumps in it. She pressed on a couple of the bumps popping out small pills into her palm. She set the box down and reached back into the grocery bag, pulling out a bottle of water. She handed both pills and water to Pinkie. “Here, take these.”

Pinkie eagerly took the pills and popped them into her mouth, followed by quickly unscrewing the lid to the bottled water and taking a large gulp of it, swallowing the pills. “Thanks Elise…erm…will these stop the…uh…leaking, too?”

Elise’s smile dropped as she reached back into the bag.

-

Dan continued to lay on the mattress that served as the floor of the fort as he absentmindedly pet Mr. Mumbles and stared at the T.V. screen that washed him in soft, shifting colors.

“I HAVE TO PUT THAT WHERE!?” Pinkie’s shrill voice called from the bathroom.

Dan paused and turned to face the direction of the bathroom, a puzzled expression on his face.

“OKAY…BUT…DON’T LOOK!” Pinkie pleaded.

Dan heard the sound of the shower curtains closing.

“AND SING! SING SOMETHING!”

Dan knitted his brow as he continued to listen in.

“I DON’T KNOW! ANYTHING!” Pinkie pleaded.

Dan began to hear Elise sing out Baa Baa Black Sheep from the bathroom.

Eventually the song ended, and was shortly followed by Pinkie pleading. “SOMETHING ELSE!”

Dan listened in as this patterned continued for a rousing rendition of Yankee Doodle Dandy, Campton Races, and When the Saints Go Marching In.

At the end of the last song, Dan heard more muffled talking, quickly followed by the bathroom door opening, closing, and a set of footsteps walking into the bedroom.

Soon, more footsteps were heard walking back towards the bathroom, as the door was opened then closed again. After a little bit, the door opened again and two sets of footsteps exited the bathroom.

“Dan?” Elise called. “I’m taking Pinkie out for a bit.” Elise informed.

“Sure, whatever.” Dan replied from inside the furniture fort.

“Dan?” Pinkie called out tentatively. “You can use the bathroom now.”

“Already taken care of.” Dan replied.

The two women paused.

“I don’t even want to know…” Elise responded as the footsteps continued to the apartment door.

*

Pinkie held her thighs close together and squirmed uncomfortably in the passenger seat of the blue sedan as her curls sat in a haggard fashion around her face.

Elise gave her a small glance. “How are you feeling?” She asked.

“Uh…better…I’m just not used to the idea of…” Pinkie’s already red face became redder. “…you know…”

Elise chuckled.

“Uh…Elise? I’m sorry you had to come out here…for this…” Pinkie offered.

Elise motioned dismissively with a hand as she continued to drive. “Don’t worry about it.”

Pinkie sighed. “I will…where are we going, anyhow?”

“I know something else that will help.” Elise explained. “I called in an appointment with a doctor I know through work. She’ll get you on a regiment of birth control pills.”

Pinkie’s face somehow managed a brighter, more luminescent shade of red.” Ba…birth control? Elise, I’m not…I mean…okay…Dan and I share a mattress, but we’re not…I wouldn’t…” Pinkie began, once again mortified about what her new friend must think about her.

“Relax!” Elise said. “That’s not why I’m suggesting it…I mean…alright…that’s maybe a little why I’m suggesting it.” Elise admitted, holding up her thumb and forefinger to signify ‘a little bit’. “But it should really reduce the bleeding and abdominal pains next time around.” Elise explained.

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Really?!”

Elise grinned. “My doctor could probably make it so you don’t suffer them at all.”

Pinkie beamed. “REALLY!?”

Elise nodded.

“Well! What are we waiting for! Birth control pills, ho!” Pinkie declared, pointing dramatically towards the road.

Elise stifled a laugh as she continued to drive onward.

***

“Hey, Dana.” Elise said, extending a hand to a female; red, chin length haired, blue eyed doctor wearing red lipstick and a white lab coat. She held a tablet PC in her hand.

Dana smiled and took the hand, giving it a firm shake. “Hello, Elise.” She turned to the pink haired girl in the room and extended her hand. “And you must be Pinkie Pie. I’m Dr. Dana Anderson”

Rather than take the hand, Pinkie cupped her hands together in a shallow bowl like manner and extended them. “Birth control pills, please!” She asked happily.

Dana and Elise exchanged surprised looks.

Elise began to giggle quietly to herself.

Dana turned back to Pinkie.“Ah, of course. I just need to ask you a few questions first.” She retracted her hand and pulled up her tablet PC and pulled out a stylus.

“Oh! Sure…of course!” Pinkie replied.

Dana peered over her tablet. “Are you currently sexually active?”

Pinkie’s smile dropped and her eye’s widened, her pupils shrank to the size of pinpricks. “What?” Pinkie asked. She turned to Elise. “WHAT?!”

Dana blinked a few times. “Uh…that’s a ‘no’, I’m guessing.” She said, scrawling on her tablet.

“Elise, do I seem slutty to you?” Pinkie asked concerned.

Elise put a hand over her mouth and tried to stifle her laughter. “Heheh...na…no!”

 Pinkie’s concerned expression only got worse. “Elise! Tell the truth!”

“Pinkie…hehehe…no…you’re fine!”

“Elise!” Pinkie pleaded.

Elise got ahold of her laughter long enough to put a comforting arm on Pinkie’s shoulder. “No, Pinkie. You don’t come off as ‘slutty’.” She assured with a smile.

“Promise?” Pinkie asked.

Elise nodded. “Promise.”

Pinkie put hand on her chest and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Uh, sorry.” Dana offered. “It’s a just a standard question…I’ll move on…could you describe your menstrual periods?”

“Oh, sure! Well I can play a lot of different instruments, even all at once! Ooo! Ooo! And I’m really good at singing and songwriting, too! Sometimes I just like to randomly break into song! Like…

“I’m sure my host body is rejecting me.”

“And now my abdomen is starting to bleed.”

“And these lumps on my chest are really sore.”

“And everyone seems to think I’m a whore.”

Dana looked on with a shocked expression.

Elise lost all control on her laughter and doubled over.

***

Once again, Pinkie sat in the passenger side of the car and shifted uncomfortably. This time, her beet red face was buried deep into her palms.

Elise drove on saying nothing, however a large grin was plastered on her face.

Pinkie finally broke the silence. “I can’t…I can’t believe I sang the song to the pharmacist, too!”

Elise tittered. “I know! It was even funnier than when you sang it to my doctor!”

Pinkie moved her finger tips towards her temples and stared down at the pink skirt adorned with blue and yellow balloons around her thighs. “Ulg! I just…unloaded every icky detail! Without even thinking!” Pinkie turned to Elise, her face bright red again. “Did you see the look on his face?”

Elise giggled. “Priceless!” She responded. “I think he needed to lie down after you sang to him.”

Pinkie frowned. “I wasn’t trying to traumatize anypo…I mean one.” Pinkie said, reaching towards the hem of her dress and absentmindedly fidgeting with it.

Elise took a hand off the wheel to give one of Pinkie’s hands a sympathetic pat. “Hey, don’t worry about it. My doctor makes a living dealing with people’s ‘icky details’.”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow. “What about the pharmacist?”

“Well…he has to explain all information and potential side effects of whatever he dispenses, I’m sure he’ll get over one little song and dance about a woman’s period.” Elise offered.

“Okay, well…what about you?”

Elise raised her hand off Pinkie’s and waved it dismissively. “Trust me, I’ve dealt with much more disturbing things than hearing you sing about your insides.”

Pinkie sighed and shook her head. “Everyone must just think I’m a completely moronic basket case.”

Elise said nothing.

“…Elise? This is the part where you tell me you don’t think that…even if you do…” Pinkie informed with a worried tone.

“Oh, sorry Pinkie…I don’t think that. I really don’t!” Elise assured. “it’s just…I don’t really hang out with other girls…” Elise admitted.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “A smart woman like you! You must have loads of friends!”

Elise shook her head. “No…just Chris, really…and to a much, much lesser extent, Dan.”

“But…why?!” Pinkie asked in complete disbelief.

Elise shrugged. “Work, mostly…and…I think other women find me a bit intimidating…most men, too…” Elise stated as she stared into the road.

“I don’t find you intimidating.” Pinkie said without a hint of hesitation.

Elise paused and an earnest smile spread across her face. “Thanks, Pinkie…that…that actually means a lot to me.”

Pinkie grinned wide enough that her lips made an audible ‘squee’.

“So,” Pinkie began. “We have some time to kill while they work on my prescription! How about we go to dinner, my treat!” Pinkie insisted. “It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done for me today.”

Elise nodded as she continued to smile. “Sure, Pinkie. I think I’d like that a lot.”

“Ooo! Ooo! And we should see a movie while we’re out!” Pinkie suggested joyfully.

Elise laughed. “Sure, Pinkie. Sounds fun.”

“Girls night out, yay!” Pinkie declared, throwing her hands up happily. She paused. “Hey, Elise? Erm…Thanks for being there when I needed you…” Pinkie said weekly with a small smile and a small blush.

Elise smiled back at the pink haired girl. “Anytime. Thanks for being my friend.”

Pinkie smiled back. “Of course. Thanks for being mine.”

*

Dan sighed as he continued to pet Mr. Mumbles and watch T.V.

“It’s too quiet, here…” he mumbled, looking out at the screen with a bored expression.

“Merow.” Mr. Mumbles replied in agreement.

 >*Back in the present*<

Elise pulled her keys out of her pocket as she walked towards the door.

“Are you really sure you’re comfortable helping Pinkie out, here?” Chris asked from the couch with raised eyebrows.

Elise turned. “Of course!” She replied with a knowing grin. “She’s my best friend.”

Part 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity: Chapter 49 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Romance

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity  Chapter 49 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Romance

*****

Music towards the end of the chapter. Version with lyrics can be found here.

*****

“So, we have our checklist, extra quills, extra ink, my required reading material, my backup reading material if I run out of required reading material…”

“Twilight?” Spike called, trying to get the purple alicorns attention.

“…my backup, backup reading material, uhh…extra parchment…”

 “Twilight!”

“Uh, yes Spike? Oh! How’s my mane look? Is my fur okay?”

“That wasn’t...”

“Oh! My wings!” Twilight extended them out and tried to examine the ends. “Are they properly plucked? How are my hooves? I can get them polished in Canterlot if…”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Huh?” With a purple glow Twilight brought the long checklist in front of her face and glanced through the entire length. “Everything has been checked, double checked, and triple checked…we can do a quick quadruple…”

“Twilight?”

Twilight paused and looked at the baby dragon.

“The mirror?” Spike reminded motioning to the large, oval, ornate, wooden framed mirror sitting in the corner of the library, still surrounded by various charts. The high pitched tone and large bold letters that read “PLEASE STAND BY” were still visible.

“Oh, shoot!” Twilight exclaimed. “I need to write a message for Pinkie and put Owlowiscious on mirror watching duty! But he’s asleep and the train leaves soon…”

‘Tap, tap, tap…’

“Hello?” Pinkie’s voice called out. “Is…is this thing on?”

Pinkie watched as a purple glow washed over the surface of the mirror, replacing the message and proud looking buffalo in a head dress with Twilight Sparkle standing in front of a series of bar, line, and pie charts.

“Hiya, Twilight!” Pinkie called cheerfully.

“Uh…Hi, Pinkie!” Twilight responded, quickly putting on a smile a little toothier and larger than usual for greeting her pink pony turned human friend.

Pinkie squinted her eyes as they darted over the various charts behind Twilight. “What’s…PSR stand for?” She asked.

Twilight’s face flushed as the charts around her began to glow with a purple light before quickly being lower onto their fronts on the ground.

“Nothing!” Twilight squeaked out.

Pinkie’s large, sky-blue eyes merely blinked in reply.

Twilight brought a hoof up to her mouth and cleared her throat. “SO! Uh…something I can help you with?”

Pinkie sheepishly rubbed the back of her head. “Actually…I need to talk to Rarity…”

“OH!” Twilight’s face lit up. “Of course!” In a purple flash the brightly lit wooden shelves and books of the library where replaced by dresses on metal racks, and dark pink curtains with a light pink trim along the walls, only lit by the light that emanated out of the mirror.

“Oooo! Nifty-rifty!” Pinkie declared looking at the sudden shift in scenery.

“Rarity!” Twilight called. “Are you around?”

A door tentatively opened. “Twilight, dear? Are you in here?” Rarity poked her head into the room, and peered over her red framed reading glasses. An azure glow appeared around a thin metal chain in the center of the room pulling it down. The room quickly brightened as a bare light bulb dangling from the ceiling turned on.

“Hi, Rarity!”

Rarity trotted in, a yellow tape measure draped around her shoulders. “Twilight dear, whatever are you doing …”

“Hiya, Rarity!”

The white unicorn looked towards the smiling pink haired human woman framed by the ornately carved wooden mirror frame. “Oh! Pinkie Pie!” Rarity threw a smile and a set of narrowed eyes at Twilight. “Twilight, darling, you really should let me know before you pop into my storage room like this.”

“Oh! I’m so sorry Rarity!” Twilight began. “I’m just in a bit of a hurry with some official Canterlot business and forgot completely about the mirror…” Twilight glanced quickly at Pinkie. “Sorry about that.”

Pinkie waved a hand about dismissively. “Oh, it’s alright Twilight…”

Twilight turned back to Rarity. “Anyhow! Pinkie needed to talk to you, and Owlowiscious is asleep, and Spike and I really should be going before the next train leaves and completely throws off my schedule, and did I mention how official my visit is?”

“Twilight, sweetie, it’s alright.” Rarity assured with a smile, resting a white forehoof on the purple alicorn’s shoulder. Rarity lowered her glasses and gave Twilight a sly, knowing grin. “This official visit wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain orange pegasus, now would it?” She asked, fluttering her eyelashes playfully at Twilight.

Twilight giggled nervously as Pinkie tittered from the mirror.

Rarity motioned her forehooves out towards the door. “Shoo-shoo, dearie. You have a train to catch.”

Twilight beamed. “Thanks Rarity! Oh! Do you mind keeping the mirror for a day…or two…or three?”

“Uh, of course not, darling.”

Twilight turned to Pinkie with a pensive grin, twitching ears, and pleading eyes. “That’s okay with you, right, Pinkie?”

“Absolutely positively yeseressy!” Pinkie replied cheerfully as she nodded vigorously, causing her long, curly mop of hair to bounce up and down.

“Great! Be sure to move it into a room that gets sunlight and moonlight before too long! See you two in a day…or two…or three!” Twilight said, happily trotting out the door.

Rarity and Pinkie exchanged smiles and shrugs and began giggling to themselves.

“So, Pinkie. I understand you needed to talk to me?” Rarity said, focusing attentive eyes through the mirror.

“Talk…right…” Pinkie responded as she started to blush and her body began to tense up… “Uh…well…the thing is…erm…”

Rarity’s smile dropped as concern began to take over her face. “Why, dearie, whatever is the matter?”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong! It’s just…Dan and I…”

“Uh-huh…”

“Well, I’d kinda like to take our relationship to the next level, ifyouknowwhatImean…”

Rarity grinned giddily as her ears perked up, “Uh-huuuuh…”

If Pinkie noticed the strange, over enthusiastic reaction to her statement, she made no noticeably sign and continued. “And, honestly? I’m a little at a loss as to what to do next.”

Rarity continued to smile as she nodded. “Uh-huh.”

“So! I thought you could…AH…” Pinkie quickly put her hands up defensively and waved them about in front of her. “…Not that I think you’re er…super experienced or …uh…you know…”

Rarity giggled, daintily raising a hoof in front of her mouth as she did. “Uh-huh.”

“But…I just thought you’d be the best pony to help me out here!” Pinkie explained, her face now a luminescent shade of red as she stared down at the edge of her dress and fidgeted with the hem.

“Well, Pinkie, you certainly came to the right mare!” Rarity responded enthusiastically.

Pinkie released the hem of her dress and her body relaxed as she breathed a sigh of relief.

Rarity extended a forehoof out to her pink haired friend. “What you need is something that draws attention to you.” Rarity looked up to her eyelashes as she lowered them and squinted slightly. “Hmmm…humans don’t really wear fashionable saddles, do they?”

Pinkie giggled. “Well, no…though I’m sure that would get my intentions across.”

“Come again?” Rarity asked, blinking a few times.

Pinkie waved a hand about dismissively. “Never mind.”

“Is there…is there any outfit in particular Dan seems to notice you more in?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Not really…though, it’s more when I’m not wearing much of anything that he seems to take the most notice…”

Rarity raised an eyelash into the air. “Oh? How strange…”

Pinkie shrugged. “Humans wear clothes all the time, everything is backwards here…”

“I see…” Rarity uttered as she pondered this information, rubbing a hoof under her chin. “Well…this goes against my principles, but have you tried not wearing clothes.”

Pinkie blushed again, but giggled at the same time. “That would also get my intentions across…but it seems a little too…erm…easy-peasy? I guess what I really want to do is show Dan I put some effort into this…it’s uh…erm…it’s sorta my first time…” Pinkie admitted weakly.

Rarity gave Pinkie a comforting smile from the other side of the mirror. “That’s nothing to be ashamed of, darling. It’s very sweet that you want this to be special.” Rarity sighed. “I just wish I know what humans find attractive…”

“Oooo! Oooo! I know! I’ll get my computer and we’ll ask the internet! It has all kinds of answers!” Pinkie responded, rising exited fists to face level. “Even answers to things I wish I’d never asked…” She added, her eyes glazing over slightly. “I’ll go get it!” She announced, the past horrors of digging too deeply into the bowels of the internet quickly washed away in the inviting tide of the task at hand.

In a pink flash, Pinkie was gone and back with her computer, positioning it on the edge of the bed so Rarity can see as Pinkie kneeled on her knees to the side of the device.

Pinkie and Rarity spent a few minutes quickly going over human women fashion, especially intimate apparel. Soon, the two were staring at a collection of lingerie clad models that filled the screen.

“Hmmm, I see…” Rarity said in a ponderous tone. “Female human fashion seems to be about drawing attention to certain parts of the body.” Rarity turned to Pinkie. “Uh, Pinkie, sweetie? Could you be a dear and turn around for me?”

Pinkie obediently swiveled on her feet and faced Rarity, setting her hands together in her lap , her arms at her sides.

Rarity glanced up and down Pinkie’s body, her eyes lingering slightly on Pinkie’s exposed cleavage. “Ah, well, you’ll have no trouble there, I see…”

Pinkie beamed. “Thanky-lanky, Rarity!”

“Now, we just need to figure out a style or something…” Rarity suggested.

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie eagerly grabbed the laptop off the bed and brought it closer to the mirror, pointing to one of the outfits on a model on screen. “How about this one, it lights up!” Pinkie suggested, pointing to a pink brassiere with lit, pink LED lights on each cup that where in the shape of a heart.

“Ah, dearie? You’re probably going to be sweating quite a bit…do you really want to wear something you’re afraid might electrocute you?”

Pinkie pursed her lips as she thought about this. “Good point…okay, then how about…”

“No balloons.” Rarity interrupting, predicting Pinkie’s train of thought.

“Erm, then how about…”

“No streamers.”

“Gah, fine…then…”

“No candy, cotton candy, or anything with baked goods on it.” Rarity listed off.

Pinkie gave an exasperated sigh. “Well, I’m out of ideas.”

Rarity chuckled.

The two friends paused as a knock was heard from the apartment door.

“Oh, sorry Rarity! Gotta go! I’m sure I can figure something out…” Pinkie said as she stood to her feet, and quickly bounded forward a few feet to rummaged in her closet for her blue jacket.

“Pinkie, darling?”

Pinkie poked her head back into view of the mirror. “Yes, Rarity?”

Rarity smiled. “Just pick something that’s ‘you’, I’m sure that will please Dan very much.”

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Thanks Rarity! I will!”

*

“Hiya, Elise!”  Pinkie said cheerfully as she opened the apartment door.

“Hey, Pinkie.” Elise responded.

Pinkie bounded out on two pair of pink, cutie mark adorned flats, and into the warm, Southern California day, closing the door behind her.

“You figure out what you needed?” Elise asked.

“I sure did!” Pinkie responded with a smile.

The two girls made their way across the apartment walkway, down the stairs, and over to the blue sedan.

“Where to?” Elise asked as she sat in the driver’s seat.

“The mall!” Pinkie answered as she sat in the passenger’s seat. “I’m pretty sureI only need one thing, so nobody should start rioting or burning down the place…”

Elise chuckled as she started the car.

“Uh…Elise…are you comfortable erm…helping my pick out some lingerie?”

Elise turned to Pinkie and smiled. “Sure, Pinkie. Sounds fun.”

Pinkie rubbed the back of her head and gave a small smile. “It does sound like fun, doesn’t it?”

Elise turned back to the road, her smile staying place. “Trying to get the attention of a certain someone, huh?”

Pinkie giggled. “Getting his attention isn’t the problem…I guess I just want tonight to be special.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure it will be.” Elise assured.

*

Dan angrily leaned on the horn as his red hatchback that sat in front of Chris’s and Elise’s light beige, red roofed home.

“Come on!” He shouted out of the rolled-down window. “I haven’t got all day!”

The front door opened and Chris trudged with a mildly irritated expression on his face, he closed the door behind him and walked towards the car, opening up the passenger side door and sitting down. “Nice to see you, too, Dan.”

“Drop the attitude, buster! This is a matter of life or death!” Dan declared.

Chris raised an eyebrow, though his expression didn’t change otherwise. “Really?”

“Yes!” Dan insisted, pulling out into the street. “The life or death of my relationship with Pinkie hinges on tonight!” He declared dramatically.

“Dan, you told the girl everything about you and against all odds, she elected to stay with you and even start a relationship. I’m sure your relationship doesn’t hinge on tonight!”

 “Okay, okay! So I exaggerated a little…”

“A little?”

“I will hit you. You know I will.”

Chris put his hands up defensively. “Alright, so what’s the big plan?”

“I…have no plan.” Dan admitted in a deadpan tone.

“Wait…seriously? Not even a random list of hard to find items in absence of any actual framework?”

Dan sighed. “No…I need something to sweep Pinkie off her feet…and I’m drawing a blank here.”

“Uh? Romantic night out?” Chris suggested.

“Geez, you must think I’m as stupid as you look! I thought about that before when I was trying to make her fall in love with me.”

“Okay, aaand?”

“I dismissed it under the grounds that either we’d somehow catch whatever restaurant we were eating at on fire…or something weird would happen that we’d have to deal with.”

“That uh…that’s actually a really good point!”

“See! I told you I’d already thought about it and therefore you were a moron.”

“That’s…not quite what you said.” Chris pointed at as he clasped his hands together with extended index fingers, nodding them at Dan.

“Why do you have to be so pedantic?! It was close enough.” Dan insisted.

Chris merely rolled his eyes. “Fine…romantic night in.”

“THAT’S AN EVEN WORSE…” Dan paused his yelling and glanced to the car ceiling to think this. “No wait, actually it isn’t…in fact…I might even have to classify it as ‘not abysmal’.” Dan responded. “Er…sorry about the screaming, force of habit.”

Chris paused, surprised that Dan would apologize to him for…well, pretty much anything. “Uh, no worries, buddy. I’m used to it…”

“Trouble is, I don’t know what a ‘romantic night in’ looks like…”

“Not a lot of experience with girls, huh?”

Dan decided to forego his standard response of insisting the ladies loved him in favor of grumbling angry incomprehensibles.

“Hey, Dan, if you don’t mind me asking, are you a virgi…”

“Chris!” Dan interrupted. “There are some questions, that, as my best friend, you are allowed to ask. And there are others that will get you thrown out of moving vehicles.”

“But…you’re driving.” Chris pointed out.

“Do you think it would matter to me even if you were driving?” Dan retorted.

“Uh, no…no I don’t.”

“Good! Now stop asking stupid questions that don’t matter and start helping me figure out something that will set fire to Pinkie’s insecurities.”

“Uh…”

“Not literally, you numb skull!”

“Right…I knew that…” Chris quietly sighed to himself and mumbled, “So you can have one more reason to not hang out with me…” under his breath.

Dan paused. “Chris, what did you say?” Dan asked, cocking an eyebrow at best friend in the seat next to him.

“Uh! I said… ‘So you can have more reasons to…go and purchase cheese…’.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Chris, I’ll give you points for changing it to being about food, and therefore, bumping up the plausibility here, but that’s not what you said!”

“Er…”

Dan’s narrow eyes suddenly flew open. “Chris, are you jealous of Pinkie?!”

“No! No! No…” Chris insisted, waving his hands out in front of him defensively, then adding, “Uh…yeah, a little actually…” quietly.

Dan paused and looked back towards the road. “Do you…want to talk about it?”

“You…You, Dan…you want to talk about my feelings?!” Chris responded throwing out his hands in surprise. “The devil must be snowmobiling in Hell.” Chris responded in a sarcastic tone.

“Don’t get crabby with me, bucko!” Dan said forcefully as he looked at Chris and wagged an equally forceful finger at him. “I’m actually giving all this feelings garbage a chance. Don’t make me regret it.”

Chris sighed. “Sorry Dan, it’s just…we never go out just you and me anymore…”

“Chris, I know you’re hopelessly stupid, but we’re out just you and me, right now!” Dan pointed out.

“Sure! Just on a quick run to help you figure something else out with Pinkie! You never just drag me out to watch a movie marathon I don’t want to watch, or rope me into a scheme I don’t want any part of! Not unless you’ve already gotten Pinkie involved…”Chris’s eye’s widened. “Wow…that sounded a lot more pathetic out loud than it did in my head…”

“…I had no idea you felt this way, buddy.” Dan replied.

Chris looked back at Dan with mild surprise.

Wait, is he actuallygiving this some thought?!

 Dan went quiet for a second as a thoughtful look took over his features. “Hey! We still have Bingo~!” He sang out.

“Well…that’s something…”

“Ahh, come on buddy! Tell you what! Let’s go on a quick vengeance run! Just you and me!”

Chris’s face lit up. “Really?”

Dan nodded. “Really. Now take the wheel.”

“GAH!” Chris uttered in surprise as Dan let go of the steering wheel and dug into his pocket.

Chris quickly reached over towards the wheel and kept the car in the lane as Dan pulled out a notepad and flipping through the pages full of things written in black ink, pencil, and pink glitter pen, the vast majority having been crossed out.

“Uhhh…People’s Republic of China?” Dan said looking over a page.

“AGHCK!” Chris exclaimed pulling the wheel hard to the right, as an SUV heading the opposite direction honked angrily and passed by. “Too big and far away!”

“Hmmm…” Dan flipped through more pages. “Dwarf hamsters?”

“DAN! BRAKES!” Chris yelled in a panicked tone.

Without looking up, Dan took his foot off the accelerator and slammed the brake, causing Chris to hit his head on the dashboard. The red hatchback screeched to a halt, inches behind a large, tanker truck; the silver back of which prominently displaying a red, diamond shaped sign with the image of flames on it a.

Chris rubbed his forehead. “Uh…too…small?” He suggested, mostly because the thought of harming tiny hamsters seemed a bit cruel, even for Dan.

Dan flipped through a few more pages. “LA Weekly?”

Chris paused.

<****>

Chris yawned lazily as he laid sprawled out on the couch, enjoying the warmth of his blue, footy pajamas and the blue blanket covering him on the blue couch. He looked very much like he was trying to merge with the piece of furniture aside from occasionally reaching into one of many bowls of snack food on the coffee table in front of him.

He looked away from the warm, inviting glow of the television towards one of the large, multi-paned windows at the front of the house, examining the drizzling rain outside.

Wow, weird, it’s really coming down.

Alright, if Dan doesn’t call, I should be able to stay right here for the day…heck, a few hours and I’m sure it’ll be blue skies again. Man, I love living in Southern California.

“Chris?”

Chris cringed.

Uh oh, that’s Elise’s ‘I need you to do something tone’. Well…maybe it doesn’t require leaving the house…

“Ye…yes honey? What is it?” Chris asked from his cozy next on the couch.

“The LA Weekly is sitting outside in the driveway, could you go outside and pick it up before it gets all soggy?” Elise asked. “I would, but I need to keep this area dry.”

Chris sighed and stood up, blanket still wrapped around his body. He peered into the kitchen to see his wife sitting at the table wearing googles and holding a soldering iron in front of something that resembled a flat, open, computer tower box complete with circuit boards.

“Sure, honey.” He responded simply.

“Thanks, dear.” Elise replied, not looking up from the work in front of her.

Chris glanced back outside and weighed his options.

Changing my clothes would undermine my maximum comfort goals for the day.

Chris reached up his hands that were still clutching the blue blanket and examined it.

Hmmm, maybe I can quickly run out there and shield myself with this. I’d have to ditch the blanket while it dries, but at least I could avoid changing out of my PJs.

Chris wordless nodded in approval to his plan as he stepped towards the door and opened it. He dashed outside as the rain moistened the blanket. As he cut across the lawn, he slipped with a startled yelp, hitting the soft, waterlogged ground face first, his blanket constricted hands and arms unable to fling out in time to stop his descent.

Chris grumbled to himself.

Great, now I’m soaked anyways!

He slowly rose to his feet and trudged over to the newspaper on the driveway. He bent down, picked up the paper, turned to the house as a tiny tidal wave of water drenched him further and soaked the newspaper.

 Chris angrily glared at a white car that had ‘LA WEEKLY’ stenciled on the side in red paint, no doubt off to distribute more free papers to become soggy masses of wet garbage on people’s driveways and walkways.

Chris dropped to his knees, balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the rainy heavens.

“LA WEEEEEEEEKLYEEEEEEE!”Chris Vs.LA Weekly

****<

“HEY! Monkey face! You’re making a scene!”

Chris snapped to as he refocused his vision on two large wrapped burgers, a giant box of fries, and a large milkshake in front of him.  He then looked around at the restaurant patrons that were staring back at him with confused glances from their own booths and seats. He unballed his fists and lowered his hands as he stared with a confused expression at the short, irate man in front of him.

“Uh…weren’t we just driving a few seconds go?”

“More like ten minutes ago! You went all space case on me and I had to retake the wheel!” Dan said, angrily taking a bite out of his hamburger. “Fiwt fwas vwery dangwerfous!” Dan added angrily, spitting food particles out of his mouth at Chris as he talked. Dan swallowed “I figured some food would get you to snap out of whatever stupid stupor you were in.”

“Oh…” Chris uttered sheepishly. His face lit up as he reexamined the pile of food in front of him. “Wow Dan! You remembered my regular. Thank you!”

Dan smiled wryly and placed a brown wallet on the table, sliding it towards Chris. “And thank you for lunch.”

Chris sighed, grabbing the wallet and opening it to examine the contents. “Uh…thanks for not taking any more than what the meal cost.” He said, meekly taking the wallet and putting it back in his pocket.

Dan shrugged. “You make less than me, stealing more than what I want from you simply doesn’t have the appeal it once did.”

Chris grimaced slightly. “Thanks for reminding me.”

“Oh, don’t be such a baby. It’s not like I enjoy screaming at morons all day and waking up before the sun is even out to bake with Pinkie…you know…except for the screaming, baking, and Pinkie parts…”

Chris cocked an eyebrow as he unwrapped a burger. “You enjoy baking?”

“I’m allowed to take pride in creating something!” Dan insisted forcefully. Dan took a quick calming breath. “So, sounds like revenge on LA Weekly is a go. We just need a plan of attack.”

Chris took a chomp out of his burger. “I fwink I cawn helf therwe…”

“Hey! Don’t talk with your mouth full, idiot! It’s very rude!”

“Sworrwy…”

***

Pinkie scoured through the racks and displays of braziers, panties, negligees, nightgowns, stockings, tops, and all sort of items of various styles and colors. Her brow was tightly knit as her pupils darted over every piece of clothing in front and around her.

Elise glanced up from pawing through a rack of lingerie to look at Pinkie. “Doing alright?” She asked.

Pinkie sighed and puffed a gust of air up at a few curly strands of pink hair that had fallen into her face. “It’s a bit…overwhelming.” Pinkie said. “Elise? What do you think something that’s ‘me’ would look like?”

“Uh…pink?” Elise suggested.

Wow, reallyput a lot of thought into thatone.

Pinkie inhaled loudly. “Elise, you’re a genius!”

“Right…happy to help…” Elise responded as she sighed in relief internally.

Pinkie happily scanned the store as her eyes started focusing on things that were her favorite color. “Oooo!” She uttered in delight, dashing off, and returning holding a in item dangling off a hanger; a hot pink bustier corset with black lace that zigzagged across the front back and forth between a two lines of black, lacy flowers and a matching pair of hot pink and black panties. “What do you think about this?” She asked.

Elise narrowed her eyes slightly as she examined the garment. “You don’t really wear black, do you?”

Pinkie turned the garment to face her and gave it a discerning look. “No, I guess I don’t.”

“Hey, Pinkie?”

“Yes, Elise?” Pinkie responded, shifting her focus back to Elise.

“Er… What do you think something that’s ‘me’ would look like?” Elise asked.

Pinkie smiled. “Well, maybe something black and red, and cool…” She suggested.

Elise paused. “You think I’m ‘cool’?”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “You’re like a super smart ninja spy girl! You’re one of the coolest people or evennon-people I know!”

Elise smiled sheepishly as a small amount of warmth entered her face. “Thanks, Pinkie.”

“Buuut…” Pinkie continued. “If you want Chris to notice you, you should definitely get this!”

Pinkie quickly produced a bra and pantie set with a pattern of chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla glazed doughnuts on it, holding it in front of her face for Elise to see.

“Wow…erm…” Elise began uncertainly. “That’s really…er…something…”

Pinkie slowly lowered the item revealing mischievous looking eyes quickly followed by a grin to match.

Elise broke into laughter. “Hahahehe…you had me going for a second there.”

“Heheheh, I did, didn’t I!” Pinkie responded.

Elise shook her head as she giggled softly. “Seriously, who would think wearing food is sexy.”

Pinkie’s grin and expression suddenly went nervous. “Uh, I know, right?” Pinkie responded, forcing a giant, toothy smile. “Oooo!”

Once again Pinkie dashed off and quickly returned, holding up a garment on a hanger. This time it was a double frilled, short skirted, hot pink single piece of lingerie with a couple of small pink bows on the hem. “What do you think?” Pinkie asked with a giant grin.

Elise smiled and nodded. “It’s you.”

**

Sunlight flooded into the storage unit as the large, metal orange door was lifted revealing stacks and stacks and stacks of rolled up LA Weekly papers that filled the metal enclosure.

Dan gawked at the piles and piles of papers. “Chris, how long have you been collecting these?!”

Chris shrugged. “Oh, a few years.”

“The paper is only delivered weekly! How did you get so many?!”

“I erm…started taking the neighbor’s copies…and raiding newsstands.”

“So let me get this straight…you’ve been collecting your own copy, as well as stealing from your neighbors, and nabbing piles of this free newspaper just to horde in a storage unit until you could sort out a plan of attack?!”

“Uhhhh…” Chris sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah…”

“Chris, I am so proud of you!” Dan said as he grinned devilishly and swatted Chris’s back.

Chris smiled. “So! I’m thinking we rent a flatbed truck, fill the back of it with a huge piles of these, then we back it really fast towards LA Weekly’s headquarters and slam the breaks, dumping a huge pile of these papers onto their doorstep! Let’s see how they like having a bunch of useless papers to throw away!” Chris wrung his hands together in anticipation.

“Hmmm…” Dan pondered this as he pulled out his phone to check the time. “It’s an oookaaaay plan, I guess…” Dan said, removing his hand and motioning out to the stack of papers. “But do you really think a little mess cleaning is worth the years of torment they’ve inflicted on you?”

Chris thought about this. “Well, they do just go out every week and basically throw garbage for everyone to clean up. I mean, if anyone else just dropped a paper on someone else’s lawn it would be littering and there’d be a giant fine involved,” Chris declared as his cadence slowly turned angry,“but somehow, you stick freeon it and you’re, what?! Doing everyone a favor?!” Chris began to motion out erratically with his hands. “Is that the idea?! I should be grateful for your boring news stories and coupons I’m never going to use, EVER!” Chris started yelling.“I SHOULD BE HAPPY THAT I HAVE TO GO OUT EVERY THURSDAY TO PICK UP THIS STUPID PAPER OR ELSE IT JUST SITS ON MY DRIVEWAY AND EVERYONE THINKS I’M LAZY BECAUSE I HAVE THINGS TO DO THAT DON’T INVOLVE WALKING OUTSIDE JUST TO PICK UP SOME USELESS PIECE OF TRASH SOMEONE DECIDED I NEEDED?! HUH?!” Chris huffed and puffed as he tried to catch his breath and his face lightened a bit.

Dan’s lips widened into an evil grin. “Have you ever heard of a t-shirt cannon?”

Chris turned to Dan. “Why, do you have one?”

“We might…” Dan’s smiled dropped. “I’ll need Elise to get Pinkie out of the apartment and keep her out until we get it and do everything else we need to do…Elise still has chloroform, right?”

“Uh…I think Elise already took Pinkie somewhere…” Chris responded.

Dan blinked a few times. “Oh? That’s convenient. Still…we’ll need to keep her away for a bit…” Dan thought about this for a few seconds. “Alright, get your phone.”

**

“Uhhh…” Elise squinted at her phone and reread the text message she was just sent. “Apparently your poisonous viper collection got out of control and now Dan’s buying mongooses and he needs you to steer clear of the apartment for a few hours while the mongooses restore order to the apartment…”

“Wait a minute…” Pinkie said, narrowing her eyes into open space and tapping a pink, nail polished index finger against her chin. “I thought I made that whole viper thing up…” Pinkie’s eye’s widened back to normal and she shrugged. “Maybe I didn’t!” She suggested to herself.

Elise typed a quick response to Chris and put her phone back in her pocket, disregarding Pinkie’s peculiar response due to her being used to such oddball things being uttered by Pinkie at this point. “Wanna grab lunch?” Elise suggested.

Pinkie’s stomached answered for her, Pinkie looked down at it with a pout.

Elise chuckled softly. “That’s a yes.”

“Alright, but I’m buying!” Pinkie insisted. She smiled. “It feels nice to spend money I’ve earned for a change.”

Elise smiled and nodded. “Sure, Pinkie.”

And to think the girl couldn’t work a vending machine a few months ago…

**

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“WHY!”

Chris loaded another rolled-up newspaper into the large black, t-shirt cannon as he sat next to a pile of rolled-up papers stacked high next to him on the backseat of the red hatchback. A similar pile sat in the cargo area, as well as the passenger seat next to Dan.

Dan sat watching the three story tall, wide, white with grey trim, rectangular building with interest as Chris continued launching paper after paper at it. The shrubbery in front was already broken and mangled with now, squashed flat newspapers that had up until recently been rolled into cylindrical shapes. The large, formerly vertical aligned sign in the front that read ‘LA WEEKLY’ was dented almost beyond recognition and now sat laying horizontally on the sidewalk. The large, white numbers that had prominently shown the building’s address now laid in a broken heap on the ground. Chris had begun to work on the square windows which provided little resistance for the compressed air filled cannon shot paper projectiles. Every once in a while, the scream of some unseen hapless newspaper worker could be heard following a shot from the cannon.

‘Thomp’

Another newspaper flew out of the black cannon on a collision course for an unbroken window.

‘Crash’

“Aieeeeee!” A famine voice screeched out.

“Rachel! Nooooooooooooooooo..!” A man’s voice shouted. “I never got to tell you how I…”

‘Thomp’

‘Thud’

“…”

“Nice shot.” Dan commented, glancing back at Chris.

“Thanks!”  Chris said as he reloaded. “Do you think the police will be here anytime soon?” Chris asked, oddly nonchalant about the current situation.

Dan grinned and pointed towards one of the broken windows on the first floor.

“I KEEP TELLING YOU THEY’RE NOT DELIVERING THE PAPERS THAT WAY!” A short, thing, frustrated, bespectacled, balding man screamed into a telephone receiver, motioning out emphatically with his free hand. His white, button up shirt was disheveled, and a red tie hung untied around his shoulders. “No! They ARE technically delivering them, but without permission…NO, IT’S NOT THE SAME, WE DON’T LAUNCH THEM AT WINDOWS! What..? Okay, I’m sorry one of our delivery people broke one of your windows, sir, but they’re shooting at us! NO! WITH NEWSPAPERS! NO! THE NEWSPAPERS AREN’T FIRING BULLETS! ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF THIS?!” The man smacked a palm against his face. “Yes, I’ll hold…”

“Yeah, that has been going on for quite some time.” Dan said chuckling.

Chris grinned uncharacteristically evilly and took aim at another unbroken window.

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“MY FAMILY CIRCUS DAY CALENDAR!” A man bellowed.

Chris and Dan exchanged a quick glance as Chris reloaded and took aim into the same window he had just fired into.

‘Thomp’

“ACK!” Cried the same man.

“Hey, Dan?” Chris asked as he loaded another paper round into the cannon.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Can you actually kill someone with this thing?” Chris asked, casually.

“Uh…I don’t know, honestly. Pinkie and I never fired anything as solid as rolled up newspaper out of it.”

“Huh, alright.” Chris responded simply, taking aim at yet another window.

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“Ahhhh! I knew that column would come back bite me!” A voiced called out from the building. “I just didn’t think it’d do it with shards of broken glass!”

“Hey, Chris?”

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HIT MY FACE?!” Another scream rang out from the building.

“Yeah, buddy?” Chris responded.

“Uhhh, so about this ‘romantic night in’, idea…” Dan asked.

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“Nooooo! My ‘You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps’ mug!” A woman’s voice called out.

“Oh, it’s easy just make Pinkie’s favorite meal…” Chris stated.

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“My sticky notes! How will I leave my co-workers passive aggressive messages now?!” A nasally voice called.

“Alright, extra spicy meatloaf and steamed broccoli, that’s easy enough.” Dan responded nodding.

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“YES! My computer! Looks like its quittin’ time early for me!” A victorious male voice called out.

“…And setup some candles for mood lighting.” Chris continued.

‘Thomp’

“NO! My vital organs! Looks like it’s a trip to the hospital for me!” A pained male voice called out.

“WHAT?!” Dan exclaimed in protest. “I don’t know how to make a candle!”

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“My photo of my handsome husband and darling children, no!” A woman cried.

“Her photo of her ugly husband and uglier children, yes!” A man responded.

“Dan, you can just go out and buy candles from any store.” Chris explained.

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“Bonsai tree! You lied to me!” A male voice cried angrily.

 “Oh…right, I knew that.” Dan responded.

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“GHA!” A pained man’s cry erupted from the now broken window.

“Goodbye ‘World’s best boss’ mug, and world’s worst boss.” A bored woman’s voice exclaimed.

“Wow…” Dan commented. “This seems like a really horrible place to work at.”

“So it was YOU who kept on leaving all the passive aggressive notes on my desk!” The same voice who was previously angry at his now smashed tree declared crossly.

‘Thomp’

 “AHCK!”

 “Thank you, newspaper fairy!” The nasally voice called out.

“You know, even before you started firing newspapers out a dangerous speeds at it…” Dan added.

‘Thomp’

“AHHHH! CURSE YOU, NEWSPAPER FAIRY!” The nasally voice cried out.

“You’d think they’d at least try to evacuate the building at some point…” Dan muttered.

“Don’t move everyone! Newspapers can sense movement.” A deep, masculine voice assured.

‘Thomp’

‘Crash’

“Eeeeek!” Screeched a woman.

“I WAS WRONG, THE NEWSPAPERS CAN SEE US!” The deep voice shouted in a panic. “HIDE!” He added.

**

Dan and Chris strained to carry their arm loads of full, brown grocery bags as they trudged up the stairs, grunting with each step.

“Dan, I…think…huff…you over…puff…did it.” Chris said.

“Shut…huff...up! You were…puff…the one who…gasp…went crazy…grunt…on that building…” Dan responded.

The two made their way across the walkway and deposited their pile of bags next to the already quite large pile of brown bags in apartment 8.

Chris and Dan breathed out loudly and wiped sweat from their brows with the backs of their arms and hands.

“I just want Pinkie to know I put a lot of effort into this…” Dan stated.

Chris looked at the bags and bags of candles. “I think she’ll get the idea…” Chris stated. He shook his head. “Just make sure you two put these out before you forget about them.”

Dan gave Chris a soft glower. “I’m an expert with fire, thankyouverymuch!”

“That’s what worries me.” Chris mumbled. He turned back to Dan. “Hey, Uh…thanks for…you know…helping me get back at LA Weekly.” He said, scratching at his face lightly with an index finger.

Dan began unpacking and unwrapping his many, many candles. “Anytime, buddy. Anytime.” Dan said, looking up with a devilish grin. “Now…be gone! I have romance to setup!”

“Right, see you at work, buddy.” Chris responded with a wave.

“See you at work!” Dan said in an unusually chipper tone as he shut the door to his apartment

Chris turned and stared out into the empty street. “I’ll uh…just wait here for Elise, then…”

***

“Nervous?” Elise asked her friend who was being unusually quiet.

The last bits of sunlight where eking out from behind distant hills as darkness had begun take its place, shrouding the valley in night.

“Uh…yeah…” Pinkie admitted from the passenger seat of the blue sedan, clutching a shopping bag to her chest.

“It’ll be fine.” Elise assured. “All Dan really cares about is getting to be with you.”

Pinkie smiled. “Yeah, you’re right Elise. He’s really sweet like that.” She said without a hint of sarcasm.

Elise went quiet.

“Uh…Elise?”

“Oh, sorry…I guess I never thought I’d live to see the day where anyone thought Dan was sweet.” She admitted.

Pinkie giggled. “Well, he just needed someone to give him a chance, is all.”

“Or a couple dozen.” Elise countered with a grin.

Pinkie tittered quietly with a grin before resuming her nervous quietness. “…I’m just not even sure how to even get started…” She murmured.

Elise’s eyes widened slightly as the vehicle headlights hit Chris sitting on the curb with a bored expression on his face in front of Casa Paradisio. “Don’t worry, I’m sure an opportunity will present itself.” Elise said with a small smile.

Pinkie nodded slightly. “Alright, Elise…I’ll try not to worry so much…”

Elise stopped the car as Chris stood up.

“Bye-bye, Elise!” Pinkie said with a cheerful smile. “See you later!” She said waving as she held her pink bag and shopping bag in the other hand, opening the car door and stepping out into the oncoming night.

Elise waved to her friend. “See you, Pinkie!”

“Oh!” Pinkie said, noticing Chris. “Hiya, Chris.”

“Hey, Pinkie!” Chris said with a smile and wave. “I won’t keep you. Dan’s waiting for you.”

“He is?” Pinkie responded, her face and tone equal parts nervousness and excitement. “Well…I guess I shouldn’t keep him waiting…Bye-bye, Chris!”

“See you at work, Pinkie.” Chris called before entering the blue sedan’s passenger side.

“Hey you!” Elise called out happily, leaning over to plant a small kiss on her husband’s lips. “Don’t tell me Dan just left you outside…”

Chris shrugged. “Well, he did, but the bakery is just a few blocks away…so…”

“Do I even want to know how many cupcakes and muffins you had?” Elise asked, maintaining her smile.

“You do not…” Chris said, shaking his head with a smile.

“Well, did you and Dan at least have fun?”

Chris grinned. “We did! It was very…therapeutic.”

Elise chuckled. “Sounds like old times.”

Chris shrugged. “For me, for a change.”

Elise shook her head, same happy smile on her face. “I’m not even going to ask.” She pulled the car out into the street.

“Hey!” Elise began. “Why don’t you and I snuggle up on the couch and watch Attractive Happy People in Love 2 when we get back.”

Chris smiled. “Sounds like a romantic evening.”

Elise reached a hand over and rested it on her husband’s thigh. “Oh, that’s not the romantic part. That part is a surprise.”

Chris smiled at his wife goofily. “Can’t wait…”

-♫

Pinkie stood in front of the door to apartment 8 as she smoothed out her dress and fussed with her hair, trying to make sure the unruly mass was out of her where it should be, and hanging in front of it in the right place..

Oh, I’m STILL so nervicited!

It’s okay…

Breathe, breathe!

It’s Danand he loves you…and you love him! And that’s all that reallymatters, right?

Pinkie took one more deep breath and smiled before opening the door.

“Dan? I’m…”

-♫

Pinkie gasped as the warm, inviting light of hundreds of lit candles of all shapes and sizes emanated over her. The flickering orange light washed over her, casting soft shadows over her face, body, and dress.

-♫

She stepped into the apartment, small flames danced from almost every corner and every flat surface of the room. Pinkie’s large, sky-blue eyes shimmered as the light reflected in them like hundreds of stars. She stood memorized as she tried to take in the sight in front of her.

-♫

Dan smiled as he sat a meatloaf on a plate in the center of the small, black table in the kitchen area with a dark teal oven mitt clad hand. It sat next to a bowl of steaming broccoli with two plates with matching flatware sat across from each other on opposite ends of the table. Small, shallow candles lined the unused portions of the table.

-♫

Dan grinned as he took off his oven mitt and sat it on the on the kitchen counter.

-♫

“Hey, Pinkie. I made dinner.” Dan said, walking over to pull out one of the black folding chairs from the table and motion Pinkie towards it.

-♫

Pinkie beamed wide. “I can see that.”

-♫

Fighting Pinkie’s hold slightly, Dan broke away about an inch and leaned his head down so he was touching his own forehead against Pinkie’s and her curly bangs.

“I spent a lot of time making sure dinner was perfect, goofball, and you’re going to sit and eat it with me first.” Dan declared, grinning as he locked green eyes with Pinkie’s sparkling sky-blue eyes.

Pinkie attempted to force the smile from her face, achieving something much closer to a smirk than a frown. “Meanie.”

-♫

Dan broke away and walked towards his end of the table.

-♫

“The word you’re looking for, my dear, is ‘tease’.” Dan said, grinning as he sat at the opposite end of the table.

-♫

“Teasie.” Pinkie said, combining the two words into one as her smirk changing into a happy grin.

-♫

Pinkie glanced around the room again and shook her head slightly. “I can’t believe you…”

-♫

“…or anyone would go to this much effort for me…”

-♫

Dan gave Pinkie an uncharacteristically warm smile. “Hey, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I want you to know it.”

Pinkie blushed. “Well, then…” She purred in a sultry tone. “I’ll have to return the favor after dinner…”

-♫

Pinkie slowing exited the bathroom into the glowing flickering light emanating from the bedroom door, the candles in the kitchen and living room area having been extinguished. The fiery glow washed over her décolleté, and bare shoulders, arms, legs. Her pink, single piece lingerie covered the rest of her and hugged her body tightly as it hung from pink shoulder straps that ran down over the sides of her breasts.  A double row of frilly lace covered a few inches of the top of her thighs just below the item’s hem that also sported two small, pink bows on the front.

-♫

She walked into the bedroom, unsurprised to once again be surrounded by candles or to see Dan, who had been brave enough as to take off his shoes and socks, sitting on the edge of the bed. There was one thing that surprised her however…

I can’t believehe looks as nervicited as I felt in front of the apartment door…

-♫

Pinkie gave Dan narrowed, bedroom eyes as she walked forward; brushed a long, flowing, curly pink lock of hair behind her bare shoulder; and wrapped her arms around his neck and back as she leaned her head down to kiss him deeply.

-♫

Slowly, Dan wrapped his own arms around Pinkie’s back, one hand over the lingerie and another on the exposed portion of her back where the lingerie opened slightly.

-♫

Pinkie giggled softly as Dan gently swung her off her feet and onto the bed, positioning himself over her. Pinkie’s hair spread around her head and back making it appear as if she had just been thrown into a puddle of cotton candy.

-♫

Pinkie placed her hands under Dan’s shirt and grasped it, lifting it up over his head as Dan held his arms up. She unceremoniously tossed it to the floor below.

-♫

Dan placed his hands on either side of Pinkie’s face and leaned down to kiss her passionately, a kiss Pinkie was more than happy to reciprocate as she soon sent Dan’s jeans and boxers to join his shirt on the floor.

Part 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity: Epilogue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity  Epilogue

*****

Pinkie slowly, but giddily climbed the stairs in her red-white striped shirt and rolled up denim shorts. Red sneakers drumming against concrete as her bracelets lightly clicked against each other in the street light.

She opened the apartment door and couldn’t help but laugh as she was washed in the glow of hundreds of lit candles.

“You knoooow,” Pinkie purred as she spied Dan setting up the table for another romantic dinner for two, “you don’t have to do this every night. Not that I’m complaining …”

Dan sheepishly rubbed the back of his head with an oven-mitt clad hand. “Yeah, uh…I’m not really sure what else to do with a couple hundred candles…” He admitted.

Pinkie bounded up to Dan and placed her lips over his, kissing him with an audible “Mwah”. She held Dan at arm’s length and smiled wide. “I’m sure we can sort out a less fiery hazardly way to conduct an evening of romance.”

Dan smiled back at Pinkie. “Looking forward to it. Now sit, goofball, dinner's almost ready.” Dan turned around to grab a pot full of spaghetti. When he turned back, Pinkie was already sitting at the table, wearing her hot pink lingerie and nothing else.

Dan blinked a few times. “Don’t tell me you’ve been wearing that all day…”

Pinkie grinned wryly. “Naw, I just changed while you weren’t looking.”

“But that was only…” Dan shook his head. “You know what? Never mind...” He sat the pot of spaghetti back on the stove and looked back at Pinkie, matching her grin. “Food is overrated, why don’t you and I reduce the chances we’ll catch the living room on fire and move this to the bedroom?”

Pinkie grinned wide and blew out the candles in front of her.

*

From her spot in front of a red sewing machine as she pushed a light blue piece of fabric under the needle, Rarity grimaced and her eyes and ears twitched as the sounds of ecstatic moans and euphoric cries filled her work area.

She sighed and glanced over to the large, ornate mirror in front of her window which was merely showing the blanket that had been thrown over it on Pinkie’s side. A blanket that did very little to dampen any sound in the room the mirror was in.

Rarity’s horn glowed azure as two large cotton wads on the table glowed with the same light-blue hue, levitated into the air, and flew into Rarity’s ears.

Rarity’s cheeks puffed out as refocused her attention on the fabric in front of her. “I am going to kill Twilight when she gets back for not showing me how to mute that thing …” She declared as she went back to her, now angry, dress making.

*****

End Part 7/7.5

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 50: Dan Vs. Comic Book Store

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 50: Dan Vs. Comic Book Store

*****

“You like?” Pinkie asked showing off her new outfit as she exited the apartment bedroom.

Dan looked his girlfriend up and down in a thoughtful manner as he stood in front of the apartment door. She was wearing a pink t-shirt that displayed her cutie mark in between the words ‘PARTY’ in yellow and ‘HARD’ in blue, black shorts held in place by black suspenders that went over her chest and shoulders, matching pink and black striped wristbands and legwarmers, and black and white tennis shoes.

“It’s different..?”  Dan offered, not used to seeing Pinkie in any black.

Pinkie smiled. “I’ll take it!” She replied happily.

“Decided there were simply too many clothing stores that hadn’t been burnt down yet?”  Dan suggested with a grin.

Pinkie gave Dan a bemused look. “For your information, only one cashier foamed at the mouth and passed out when they figured out I was buying this for myself.”

Dan whistled. “That’s gotta be a new record.” He shook his head. “I’m still not sure why you can’t just stick with one outfit.”

Pinkie’s expression remained unchanged. “First off, it’s fun!” She insisted, holding up an index finger. “Second off, shut up!” She added, pointing at Dan with a wide grin.

Dan chuckled. “Hoisted by my own petard. Ready to go?”

Pinkie bounded over to her boyfriend and reached for his hand, leaning down slightly to plant a not so quick kiss on his lips. “Mwah! Ready!”

Hand in hand, the two exited the apartment.

***

Dan examined another comic and put it into his shopping basket that was already full of various comics and graphic novels. “Find anything, yet?”

“Hmmmm…” Pinkie continued to peruse the shelves and shelves of comics as she held in empty shopping basket in her arm. “Nopers…I can just read what you get.” She suggested.

“Pinkie, what’s the point of having a job if you aren’t going to go out and buy things you are going to look at a few times before they occupy a permanent space in your home?!” Dan asked irritably.

“Well, I can always spend the money I make on my friends and loving boyfriend!”  Pinkie suggested, fluttering her eyelids at Dan.

“What?” Dan exclaimed. “You have a magic wallet for that sort of feel good nonsense! It’s time you start filling that empty hole in your life with rampant consumer whorism!” He declared, pointing at Pinkie.

Pinkie looked down and lifted her shirt slightly, staring at her stomach. “Is that what that hole is?” Pinkie asked, staring at her belly-button. She gave it a perplexed look. “It’s pretty small, I don’t know how I’d fit an entire comic book into…” She looked up to discover she was now talking to herself. “Dan..? Are we playing surprise hide and seek?”

-

“Unhand me, scoundrel!” Dan demanded of the unknown assailant that dragged him off into another section of the comic book store. He took stock of the stock around him.

“Anime, huh? I knew you filthy connies would come seeking revenge!” Dan wheeled on the person who had hauled him to the aisle and was suddenly staring at a tan skinned woman with brown, chin length hair, wearing a pink midriff top that  read ‘NERD’ across the chest , a black pleated skirt, and wedge sandals.

The woman looked at Dan with a disdainful expression and began to open her mouth which Dan quickly put a finger up to. She looked down at the finger with a confused expression.

“No, wait! Don’t tell me…uh…you screwed up my order at Burgerphile so I threw it back at you…” Dan suggested.

“Huh?” The woman replied. “No, it’s…”

“Oh! You’re from the spa that kicked me out when I needed Chris’s help for something, so I added Ghost Chili hot sauce to all their lotions.”

“Wait, whoa, that sounds painfu…”

“I set fire to your car?”

“Uh, no.”

“House?”

“Negative.”

“Boat?”

“I don’t have a boat.”

“…Boathouse?”

The woman sighed. “Maybe you’d recognize me if most my hair was shaved off.”

Dan’s eyes went wide with recognition. “Oh! Becky! Hey! Look, I’m so…”

Becky held up a hand, signifying Dan to stop talking. “Who was that girl, and why did she refer to you as ‘boyfriend’?”

“Uh…I think you just answered your own question, there Einstein.” Dan replied.

Becky paused. “…Okay, granted, but how did you even…”

“I mean,” Dan continued, interrupting Becky, “if I’m her boyfriend, then logically she’s my girlfriend, get it?”

Becky rolled her eyes. “I get it!”

“She’s the girl that does unspeakable things with me behind closed doors, you see…”

“Whoa, T.M.I., dude…”

Dan chuckled. “Ah, who am I kidding? I don’t mind speaking about it. So, Pinkie does this thing with her tongue, oh, and her tongue would put Gene Simmons’s to shame…”

“WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!” Becky exclaimed throwing her hands out in front of her and waving them back in forth to signify ‘Stop!’ “I don’t want to know!” Becky regained her composure and continued aiming laser beam eyes at Dan. “Look, does she know you’re an unhinged creep? Because I can’t in good conscious just let you…”

“FOUND YOU!”

Becky leapt into the air with a startled expression as Pinkie popped up behind her.

Pinkie looked at Becky then to Dan. “Dan! Are you making friends without me?” She asked with a slightly hurt expression. “So unfair!” She declared with a pout.

“Not exactly…” Dan said. “Pinkie, meet Becky. Becky, Pinkie Pie…” Dan said, motioning back and forth between the two women.

“Uh, hi…” Becky said weakly.

Pinkie depleted the air in front of her off oxygen in a large gasp. “Wait…Becky?! Dan, Is this the poor girl whose hair you shaved off to win that Barber, duel?! Oh, Dan you HAVE to apologize! You just have…”

Dan leaned forward to forcefully place an index finger on Pinkie’s lips.

“If you girls would stop berating me…” Dan said, shooting Pinkie and Becky an irritated glance. “I was about to get to it.” Dan looked at Becky. “Hey, I’m sorry about the whole shaving your head thing to get back at your dad.  Looking back on it now I think, definitely, maybe, probably there was a better way to go about things.”

Pinkie beamed wide and clutched her hands together under her chin.

Becky gave Dan a somewhat confused expression. “Uh…thanks…I think…wait.” Becky’s eyes narrowed briefly before she opened them wide in shock. “You actually told her about that?!”

Dan shrugged. “I told her everything.”

“It was horritizing!” Pinkie asserted as her eyes went distant and glazed over for a second.

“Uh…” Becky uttered, “…and you still…”

“Wait… “Pinkie interrupted, turning to Dan. “Does traumafying work better than horritizing?”

“Hmmm…” Dan glanced out into space and put a hand up to his mouth, rubbing his index finger against his stubble. “Yes.” He responding. “’Horritizing’ kinda sounds like I drove you into a life of prostitution.”

“Okay!” Pinkie responded cheerfully. “It was traumafying!” Pinkie asserted, repeating her expression from before.

Becky laughed.

Alright, so they’re cute together.

And apparently he came clean with her.

I guess I should cut him someslack.

Becky extended her hand out to Pinkie. “Pinkie, was it?”

Pinkie grinned wide as she took Becky’s hand and shook it vigorously. “It was, is, and always shall be…” Pinkie’s smile dropped. “Unless, I guess it changes somehow…”

Becky chuckled. “Riiiight…is there anything I can help you find? I actually work here.”

“OH!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Well, actually…Oooo! What’s all this! It looks nifty-rifty!”

Dan rolled his eyes and made a disgusted sound.

Becky ignored Dan and smiled at Pinkie. “It’s anime, you know, animated shows from Japan?”

“Oooo!” Pinkie said excitedly. “Neato- torpedo!”

“Anime is for nerds!” Dan declared, sat his basket full of comics down, and folded his arms. “You girls aren’t nerds, are ya?”

Becky glanced down at her shirt, then back to Dan. “Uhh…”

Pinkie gently put a hand on Becky’s shoulder and held up her free palm towards her. “I got this.” She assured. She walked over to Dan and looped her arm over his shoulders, looked him in the eyes with her big, glassy, sky-blue ones, and gently twirled her free index finger over his chest. “Dan? Sweetie?”

“No! No pet names! You only break out pet names when you’re about to tell me something I don’t want to hear!”

Pinkie continued. “Dan? Snukikins?”

“I swear I will throw you out of a closed window if you call me that again!” Dan declared.

“Look, Dan…you and I, well… up until very recently, we spent almost all our free time watching sci-fi, monster, action movies, and T.V. shows then figuring out how we could fit references to them in our conversations. You and I? We’re dorks.”

Dan’s expression turned pained as he slowly shook his head from side to side. “No.” He murmured. “No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!”

Pinkie continued. “Search your feelings. You know it to be true!”

Dan broke free of Pinkie’s grasp. “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Dan shouted, lifting his hands towards the heavens. “Nooooo! Nooo…” Dan finished, his voice lowering to a whisper as he slumped to his knees and lowered his hands to the ground.

Becky laughed as other store patrons flashed the couple grins and thumbs ups.

“See! That!” Pinkie said pointing to Dan. “That right there. It doesn’t get much dorkier than reenacting dramatic Star Wars scenes in public.”

“But…but I’m too awesome to be a dork!” Dan protested, rising to his feet.

“The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive, you know.” Becky offered.

“Yeah, Dan! You can be the awesomest dork out there!”  Pinkie suggested.

“Oh…alright…” Dan mumbled angrily.

“Yay! Hug times!” Pinkie announced as she wrapped her arms around Dan and give him a squeeze.

Dan grumbled irritably as he wrapped his arms around Pinkie.

Dan broke the hug to hold Pinkie at arm’s length. “Alright, but you know I’ve had a bad experience with anime!”

Becky cocked an eyebrow. “Bad experience?”

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie giddily clapped her hands together. “Story time!” She declared.

In a pink flash, Pinkie was gone and back with two chairs. She sat in one and rested her elbows on her thighs, and rested her chin on her cupped hands, looking up at Dan with, big, eager looking eyes.

Becky tentatively sat in the chair Pinkie had just procured and looked at Dan.

“It all started when I was at a convenient store…”

 <-o-Several years ago-o->

“Ow! Hey! Watch it with that.” Dan rubbed the back of his head and wheeled angrily on the teenager who had just hit him with a large, metal…thing…

“…what is that?!” Dan exclaimed, setting a full slushy on the counter as he pointed at the item which had just hit him.

“Uh, sorry, didn’t mean to whack you with my Keyblade there…”

Dan stood dumbfounded by the site in front of him, a young man in a full length, black, zip-up trench coat, with blonde hair that spiked out in all directions, was holding something that appeared to be a large, weaponized, skeleton key.

“Key blade!? Why don’t you just walk around with an axe!?” Dan asked, equal parts rage and confusion.  “And what are you even wearing? And what’s up with your hair!”  Dan said, bringing his hands up over his own head and waving them about.

“It’s cosplay! Anime con is in town!”

“Anime…con?” Dan looked around the store and noticed there were many more people dressed in impractical looking or otherwise revealing clothing, carrying large weapons, and sporting hair of every conceivable color. Dan glowered at the scene in front of him, pulled out his cell phone, and rapidly dialed a number, placing the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Dan.” A voice answered on the other line.

“Chris! There’s some sort of, strange, previously unknown disease that’s spread through the city and is causing everyone to dress weird and cover themselves with belts and grow cat ears. I need several dozen rolls of saran wrap to cover my apartment from the inside and you to stand outside with a baseball bat to ward off anyone who might attack me with a sword…or one of these blade-key…things…”

“I think you mean Keyblade.”

“I think I meant I didn’t need your input, jerk face!”

“Anyways, I’m kind of busy. Elise dragged me off to the Anime con, she’s really into all this Japanesesee stuff.”

“WHAT?! That vampire of a woman you were foolish enough to invite into your home is indoctrinating you into this twisted cult of hair dyes and giant shoulder pads?!” Dan asked, spying a man wearing boxy, giant, purple shoulder pads and long, lilac colored hair. “Hmmm…the capes are cool, at least…”

“Hey, Dan? I have to go…Elise and I are watching one of these shows, and I thought Cat Soup would actually be about soup and not nearly this confusing…I think…I think…I need to lie down…”

“Chris? Chris! Hang in there, buddy! I won’t let her suck the blood out of you and turn you into one of these strange, spiky haired, headband wearing…geez, these blonde spiky hair dudes sure like the color orange…” Dan said, getting distracted by a teenager wearing a blue headband with a metal plate over his forehead orange and blue coat and orange pants and another cosplayer with even longer, spikier hair wearing an orange vest over a blue shirt and his another pair of orange pants.

Without warning, a man with short, spiky black hair, wearing metal armor over black leather clothing, and holding a gigantic sword that was taller than him turned and smacked the side of Dan’s head with the sword, causing Dan to slam his face into his slushy, splattering red, icy, slush all over his face and clothes.

Dan angrily wiped cold slush from his face, balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“ANIMEEEEEE COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!”Dan Vs.Anime Con

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 51: Dan Vs. Anime Con

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 51: Dan Vs. Anime Con

*****

“And then what happened?!” Pinkie asked enthusiastically from her chair in front of Dan.

Dan paused glancing at the two women in front of him.

Pinkie was enthusiastically hanging on every word.

Becky had certainly gotten into the story a bit, but was now flashing nervous grins at the people who had noticed Dan’s screaming.

Dan focused on Pinkie. “Haven’t I told you this already?!”

“Just wanted you to know I’m paying attention!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

“Well, it’s distracting…uhhh…where was I?”

“You had just done your big skywardy scream.” Pinkie reminded, pointing at Dan.

“Oh yeah…So anyway…”

<*Meanwhile, take several years…*>

“I’m so glad Grandma is so good at sewing…and leather work…and wig making…and welding.” Dan said to no one in particular. He sighed, “I really need like…a hyper-intelligent cat or ferret or something to talk to when Chris isn’t around.”

Dan’s wig was blond and spiky, his outfit was composed of a purple, sleeveless shirt, baggy purple trousers, a leather belt attached to leather straps that went over his shoulders, two imposing looking leather and metal gauntlets, and a large metal shoulder protector on his left shoulder. On his non-metal clad shoulder, he carried a giant, rectangular sword that angled off to a point at the very end and was larger than him. He carried a bulging plastic bag in his free hand.

Dan shouldered his way past men and women of all ages in colorful outfits, cat ears, and a plethora of various weapons and accessories, colliding his large, metal shoulder protector into people’s chests, and knocking his giant sword into people’s heads.

“Out of the way, nerds, I have a friend to rescue.” Dan declared as meanly and heroically as he could muster.

To Dan’s irritated surprise, his comment was mostly met with grins and giggles.

He swung open a large, glass door, and entered a large convention hall. The door closed behind him, shattering as it impacted his large metal sword. Dan’s eye’s widened as he quickly put some distance between himself and the door and continued walking through the crowded convention hall.

“Ulgh…it’s like a truck carrying hair spray collided with a rainbow in here!” Dan declared, looking over the attendees.

“Excuse me, sir.”

Dan turned quickly, whacking a blonde, dreadlocked man in the face with his sword.

Dan examined the man who was wearing a black shirt that read ‘SECURITY’ in bold white letters, khakis, and sandals.

“The fuzz! Stay away, copper! I got a sword, and I’m not afraid to use it!” Dan lifted the sword off his shoulder and promptly dropped the heavy item, damaging the tiled convention floor.

The security guy adjusted his pink tinted glasses. “It’s all good, bra. I just need to peace bound that weapon.”

Dan struggled to lift the heavy sword up to a point where he could swing it. “Peace…bond?”

The dreadlocked man looped a plastic tie around the handle of the sword. “The peace bond is a sacred, convention promise that you won’t use any props, accessories, or weapons in a violent manner.”

“But…” Dan began to protest. “That’s the whole point!”

“Sir, points aren’t allowed on weapons…though I see yours is blunt.” The man said, motioning to the large sword.

Dan sighed. “Grandma’s angle grinder was broken…”

The security guard helped put Dan’s sword back on his shoulder. “Alright, you’re all set! Enjoy the con, dude!”

Dan grumbled as the security guard walked away. “Lousy…Japanesese mysticism…rendering my blunt sword useless…”

“Dude! That’s the best Cloud I’ve seen, yet!”

Dan turned with a confused expression to a group of con attendees, a blur of strange outfits and spikey hair.

Is that…is that woman wearing a skirt completely made out of belts!? Is that…is that even possible?!

How much hair gel did that man need to make his hair shoot straight up like that?!

And what the heck is that thing?! It looks like Beast from the X-Men decided he was going to explore his Native American roots or something…

“Can we get a picture?”

“What?” Dan exclaimed.

Don’t these idiots care that I’m infiltrating their animation convention as a video game character?!

I guess they were just captivated by my suave nature and handsome features.

Dan sighed. “Oh, alight…but make sure you get my good side.” Dan said, getting into a pose.

Soon, Dan found he couldn’t make it more than a few dozen feet without someone snapping his photo.

“STOP IT!” He growled at a plethora of girls in cat ears. “I’m on a mission!”

“Awwww…someone needs a glomp!” One of the girls stated.

“Glomp you!” Dan shouted angrily.

It would turn out to be a mistake. Soon the mass of cat girls was upon him burying him in an avalanche of glomps and huggles.

“Stop! Decease! Oooh, if my sword wasn’t peace bonded…”

“Someone’s being Tsundere!” One of the girls announced.

“STOP SPEAKING IN TONGUES, DEVIL WOMEN!”

“Awww…Kawaii desu ne?”

“STOP MAKING UP WORDS!”

*

Chris sat on the ground next to a sign that read ‘Dead Leaves’. He clutched his knees to his chest and rocked back and forth. “Too many colors…ba…baby…changing to old man…I just…so…much…what?”

“Wow! That was amazing!” An excited looking, maroon haired girl commented, walking out of the convention room. “Totally unique! Can you believe that was all hand drawn?”

“No…” Chris answered from the floor. “I can’t believe it…in fact…I’m not sure I can believe anything anymore.”

“Chris, are you okay?” Elise asked. “You look pale…”

“I’m fine, Elise…just…babies…cats…water elephants in the desert…hmmm…dessert…”

Elise looked down at Chris with concern. “Uh…sorry, Chris…I guess I kinda started you out on the strong stuff…” Elise paused. “Oh! Wait here! I’ll go get us some bubble-tea and maybe I can find a room that’s playing a nice shonen, or something.”

 “Sure, Elise...sounds great!” Chris offered with a weak smile.

Elise smiled and began to walk away.

Alright, don’t blow this, Elise! Sure, he’s a bit of a nerd, but he’s new to all this and you just gave him two smoking barrels of the trippiest anime available! And he’s the first potential boyfriend you’ve had in yearsthat isn’t completely obsessed with himself.

Chris followed Elise with his eyes until she disappeared into the mass of colorful con goers.

Alright, don’t blow this, Chris! She is by far, the smartest, prettiest girl that has shown the least bit of interest in you, plus you sort of owe her after…

“Chris, stop looking dumb and vacant on the ground and start looking dumb and vacant standing up!”

Chris gave a startled yelp as he looked up at Dan, the short man unusually imposing looking in his getup.

“Dan…are you dressed as Cloud Strife?!” Chris asked, as he stood to his feet.

Dan grinned. “Yeah! Nifty disguise, right?! These stupid anime dweebs must be stewing with rage that I’d show up as a video game character…”

Chris sighed and shook his head. “Alright, first off, a sizable portion of the costumes here are from video games.”

“WHAT?!” Dan exclaimed in an angry, shocked tone. “It’s an anime convention! That means, ‘animation’…I think…No one said anything about video games!”

“Dan, you must have noticed you’re not the only Final Fantasy 7 character running around.”

“I assumed they were here to rescue friends, too!” Dan insisted. “And, ‘7’?! How can there be seven of something if it was the Final Fantasy!?”

Chris wrinkled his forehead as he simultaneously attempted to raise his eyebrows and knit his brow together. “Dan, it’s right there in the title!”

“Chris, you are simply the dumbest person on the planet! It’s clearly Final Fantasy Vlula.” Dan insisted.

“What? Dan, that doesn’t even make sense! ‘Vlula’ isn’t a word…those are roman numerals.”

Dan put on a goofy expression and began flapping his fingers up and down. “Menehamenaha numerals.”

“Oh, Hey! Cloud!”

Dan impulsively turned around, clobbering Chris in the head with his giant sword, and posed for a photo.

An excited looking girl in a t-shirt that read ‘FREE GLOMPS’ snapped Dan’s photo. She put down her camera and grinned. “Free glomp?” She asked.

Dan rolled his eyes, and thrust his bag into Chris’s arms. “Oh, alright…”

The girl bounded up to Dan and gave him a quick squeeze before running off down the convention hall.

“Wow…I can’t believe you let that girl take your picture…and hug you…” Chris commented.

Dan turned to Chris, clobbering yet another con goer with his massive sword. “I’m fitting in! It’s the only way I could get in close enough to sneak you out!” Dan pointed at the bag in Chris’s arms. “There’s your disguise! Get it on,” Dan pointed at Chris, “and let’s get out of here!” Dan demanded irritable as ever as he motioned behind him with his thumb.

“Dan! I can’t leave!” Chris insisted. “I promised Elise I’d do this convention with her after I showed her Space Monkeys from Planet Space.”

“WHAT?! Why should you suffer for enriching that vampiress’s life with the best movie ever made?!”

“I uh…sort of made her sit through multiple commentaries on the film, too…” Chris admitted.

“So! Those commentaries are insightful, and delightful! She should be thanking you! Not forcing you to suffer!”

“…I also made her watch the holiday special.” Chris admitted meekly.

Dan paused. “Okay, you do kind of owe her one for that…I’m not sure I should be impressed that she’d even still hang around you, or if this just confirms my suspicion that she isn’t human!”

“Dan, Elise is a very nice girl! And it would be nice if you didn’t chase away every girl I met!”

Dan leveled an index finger at Chris. “Every girl you’ve met has been horrible, without exception, you should be so grateful that I’m helping you out! Like now for instance! Go dive into a bathroom and change. Grandma put her blood, sweat, and tears into that costume you’re holding…So, you might want to take a shower when we get out of here…”

“Dan, you called me like…an hour and a half ago. Are you trying to tell me that your grandma”—Chris motioned out to Dan—“did all that in that time!”

Dan shrugged as he examined his outfit. “Yeah, bit of a rush job, really…I mean…she clearly hurried the engraving on the belt and my left gauntlet is a little loose.”

“How are you even holding that sword?! It’s bigger than you!” Chris exclaimed, motioning out to Dan’s giant Buster Sword.

“I’m fully supporting its weight with only my spine!” Dan declared with a smile.

“But, isn’t that painful?”

“You have no idea.” Dan replied. “Now go change! I think I’m starting to get 1st degree burns from all the flashes going off in my face.”

Chris sighed. “Fine! But I’m not abandoning Elise.”

“But that was like half the point of me coming here!” Dan whined as he motioned out with his free hand.

Chris walked off towards a nearby bathroom. “I’m not ditching another potential girlfriend just because you don’t like her.”

“FINE! Get your blood drained! See if I care.” Dan replied. “Stupid Chris…stupid vampire girl…stupid anime convention…”

“OH! SWEET! Cloud!”

Dan turned again and placed a hand on his hip as he attempted a heroic looking pose; knocking a couple more con attendees to the ground as he got his photo taken yet again.

“Da…Dan?” Chris called from the bathroom. “I don’t feel very comfortable about the prospect of wearing this.”

“I needed you to match!” Dan insisted.

“Couldn’t you have picked a different character!?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “You’re freakishly tall and grandma said she didn’t have the time or material for any of the other characters!”

“What about Cid?! He would have been perfect!”

“What, am I made out of goggles?! Just suit up and stop your moaning!”

Dan heard a feminine, long, and laborious sigh.

“Hello, Dan.” Elise said, her voice notably absent of enthusiasm as she stood carrying a bubble tea in either hand. “I…wait…are you actually dressed up?!”

Dan grinned evilly at the maroon haired woman. “Doesn’t it just burn you up inside?”

“Well…no actually…Wow! That’s a great costume! I didn’t know you were into anime.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “I’m not!” He insisted. “I’m merely here to rescue Chris.”

Elise expression turned worried. “Why? Did he say something to you?! Is he not having a good time?!”

“Uh…”

In a flash, Elise sat down the two drinks she was holding and had Dan by his costume clad shoulders. “TELL ME! TELL ME!TELL ME!TELL ME!” Elise demanded as she shook Dan back and forth.

“Stop…shaking…me…you…harlot…” Dan choked out.

“Dan,” Chris began walking out the bathroom, “I really don’t want to Elise to see me like…”

Elise paused from shaking Dan to stare at Chris who was now wearing a large, brown wig complete with two large braids over his shoulders, and a giant one going down his back; a small, red jacket; large, brown boats; mental bracelets, and a long, pink dress that went all the way down to his ankles.

Chris’s face flushed. “Uh…Elise! I can explain…”

Elise gasped. “Chris, I didn’t know you were into cosplay!”

“Uh…well….I’m not you see…”

“Oh, this is sooo great!” Elise exclaimed.

“Wait, what?” Chris and Dan exclaimed in unison, exchanging perplexed glances.

Elise beamed. “I have a few costumes prepped in case you warmed up to this! I had no idea you guys planned to come here already!” She reached down to grab the bubble teas on the floor and trusted one each into Dan’s and Chris’s hands. “Wait here! I’ll go change into my Vincent outfit!” Elise giddily ran down the hall.

“WHOA! Awesome Cloud and Aerith, guys!”

Dan posed and Chris put on a goofy grin just in time to have their photos snapped.

“Aerith?” Dan asked in a perplexed tone.

“That’s Aeris’s name in the Japanese version of the game.” Chris explained.

“Oh, huh, I thought that guy had a lisp…I didn’t know they made a Japanese version of Final Fantasy Vlula.” Dan replied.

“No, Dan, you see…” Chris sighed exasperatedly. “…Never mind.”

“OH! Sweet costumes guys!”

Dan and Chris quickly posed for another photo as a flash went off.

The two friends paused, looked at each other, and announced “I’m staying.”

Chris gave Dan a surprised expression. “I thought you hated anime!”

“I do!” Dan insisted. “But my desire for attention is stronger in this case…what about you?”

Chris shrugged. “Somehow dressing up like a girl turned out to be a good thing! I’m not going to question it. I guess you can leave and go back to getting your photo taken and hugged by strangers.”

“What?!” Dan protested. “No way! Can you imagine how many photos we’re going to get when there’s three of us all dressed up?!”

Chris smiled and rolled his eyes as he took a sip from his bubble tea. “Oooh, yummy!”

Dan eyed his own beverage suspiciously. “It’s got…black orbs at the bottom…I think they’re concentrated evil…”

“Dan, its fine.” Chris insisted.

Dan frowned at his drink and cautiously took a sip. “BLECK! Horrible!” Dan declared tossing the offending beverage off on a short journey into someone’s face.

***

“BwaHaHaHaHa, in your face, anime con!” Dan declared, as he ran from the convention center, balancing his sword on his shoulder in one hand, trophy that read ‘Best Group Cosplay’ in the other.

Chris smiled and shook his head as he watched his friend scamper off into the California night. “He has a thing for trophies.” He explained to the woman in a long, black wig; red cloak; and black outfit.

Elise smiled back at Chris and shrugged. “That’s fine.” Her smile turned to a grin. “I got what I wanted, anyway.”

“Oh?” Chris asked. “What’s that?”

Elise wrapped a hand and a metal claw around Chris’s neck, leaned up, and placed her lips over his.

Chris got over his initial surprise to wrap arms around Elise and return the unexpected affection.

Elise broke the kiss, released her grip on Chris’s neck, and began drumming her metal talon lightly against Chris’s pink dress. “You know…” Elise purred. “They’re still showing anime all night…”

Chris smiled down at Elise. “Uh, sure…sounds great…” He offered tentatively.

“Come on!” Elise said enthusiastically. “I think Yakitate!! Japan is playing.”

“Uh…what’s it about?” Chris asked, afraid Elise was going to break out a word like ‘cerebral’ or a term like ‘thought provoking’.

“It’s about making bread.”

Chris paused. “That sounds AMAZING!”

Elise smiled and slipped her hand over Chris’s. The two walked back into the convention center, hand in hand.

*Back in the present*<

“YAY!” Pinkie said clapping. “A happy ending!”

Becky paused and looked at Dan. “Wait…so let me get this straight…you infiltrated an anime convention by getting dressed up, got your picture taken like a hundred times in between accidentally causing property damage and hitting people with your sword, won a costume competition…and that’s your bad experience with anime?!”

Dan pondered this. “Uh...well when you put it like that…”

“Did you even watch any anime while you were there?!”

“Well…no…” Dan admitted.

“Call me crazy...” Becky began.

“You’re crazy!” Pinkie said obediently.

“Uh, you didn’t let me finish.” Becky said.

“Oops, sorry. I thought you were making a comic store decree.” Pinkie replied.

Becky turned back to Dan. “Call me crazy, but I think you could at least try to watch something.”

“Oooo! Ooooo!” Pinkie began to giddily hop up and down from foot to foot. “Can we, Dan? Can we? Can we?!”

Dan sighed. “Fine!”

Becky grinned. “So what are you two into?”

“Violence.” Dan answered.

“Mayhem.” Pinkie added.

“Destruction of the undead.” Continued Dan.

Becky smiled and looked over the shelves. “I’ve got just the thing.”

“Oh! You meant what we liked to watch!” Dan exclaimed.

Pinkie giggled. “Boy, is my face red…” She put a finger up to her chin and looked at the ceiling. “Though…come to think of it, it’s pretty much the same thing.”

Becky chuckled to herself. “You two are really, funny.”

“We are?” Dan asked surprised.

Pinkie leaned back so she was facing straight up and slowly positioned herself to look up at Dan with a huge, toothy grin. “Are you kidding? We’re hilarious!” She declared.

“Huh…I did not know that.” Dan admitted.

“Here!” Becky held up two, thin rectangular boxes. The one in the front reading ‘Hellsing’ in front of a rather deranged looking individual with a cross in his mouth.

“Oooo! Look Dan! It’s named after that guy you’re always talking about.”

“Excuse you, but ‘that guy’ is named ‘Abraham Van Helsing’ and he only has one ‘l’ in his name.”

“Come on, Dan!” Becky insisted. “If you’re into vampires and zombies half as much as I know you are, you’ll really like this!”

Dan scrunched his mouth to a side, and grabbed the two blu-ray/DVD packs, and handed them to Pinkie.

“Yay!” Pinkie declared, enthusiastically placing the packs into her basket.

Becky produced a phone and looked at Pinkie, “Hey, can I text you my number? If you like that, I’m sure I can recommend tons of other great stuff.”

Pinkie gasped and began to rattle off digits.

Becky pressed the screen on her phone a few times and smiled. “Got it, thanks!”

Pinkie grinned as her bag made an audible ‘ding’.

“Well, I better get back to work!” Becky declared waving. “Thanks for the story, guys!”

Dan merely nodded as Pinkie waved enthusiastically.

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!” Pinkie began to repeat over and over again.

“I’m right HERE! What is it?!”

“I made a new friend!” Pinkie declared happily. “She gave me her number and everything! And she wasn’t even a creepy guy!”

“I’m happy for you, I really am…Now let’s get out of here…”

“No wait…” Pinkie said, staring off down the aisle. She spied a curtained off section with a sign that read ‘Adults Only’ and pointed at it.

“I want to see what’s in there!”

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 52: Pinkie Vs. Hentai

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 52: Pinkie Vs. Hentai

*****

Dan looked at the curtained off ‘Adults Only’ section of the anime aisle that Pinkie had just indicated she wanted to look inside of.

“Your funeral.” Dan uttered flatly.

Pinkie immediately put a pout on her face. “You’re not going in with me?”

Dan leveled an index finger at Pinkie. “I see enough unspeakable horrors just going to work and driving around L.A., I don’t need to go looking for them.” Dan replied.

“Well…will you at least hold my hand while I walk in?” Pinkie asked, adding large, puppy-dog eyes to her pout.

“Ulgh…” Dan replied disgustingly. “You are such a child sometimes. Couldn’t I just tie a rope around you and yank you out if you start uncontrollably screaming?” Dan suggested.

Pinkie shook her head. “Ropes aren’t very emotionally supportive, I mean…sure they’re great at being wieghtionally supportive, but they make pretty lousy friends. Believe me, I tired.”

“It’s actually pretty sad that I do believe you…fine, big baby, I’ll hold your hand.”

“Yay!” Pinkie declared triumphantly. “Oh! And I think we need a safety word or phrase, so you know when to pull me out!”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t think ‘hysterical sobbing’ or ‘uncontrollable screaming’ are indication enough when you inevitably find yourself in over your head?”

“Well…what if it’s the good typeofuncontrollable screaming?”

Dan paused. “Then you better pull me in with you. Besides,” he added, “I’m pretty sure I’ve heard enough of both types to tell the difference.”

“What aboooouuuuut… ‘The Eagle has landed’?” Pinkie suggested.

Dan paused. “Okay, fine, that’s a darn good safety phrase.”

Pinkie beamed, raised her left palm to her mouth, spat in it and extended it to Dan.

Dan followed suite and grasped Pinkie’s hand.

Pinkie took a big breath and walked through the curtain.

Dan cringed as he felt shooting pain and heard the cracking of finger bones as Pinkie squeezed his hand tightly

“Pinkie…I don’t want to be a bother, but would you mind loosening your grip before I need a cast?” Dan growled out.

“My Celestia…it’s full of tentacles…” Pinkie murmured from behind the curtain.

“Uh…Should I pull you back out?” Dan offered.

There was a pause. “…No…I think…I think I’m ready to push forward…Let me just see what’s inside of one of these…”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief as the grip on his hand loosened then gave a pained “GAHCK!” as it tightened even further, turning his hand into a near unrecognizable shape.

“THE EAGLE HAS LANDED! THE EAGLE HAS LANDED SO BUCKING HARD IT HURTS!” Pinkie screeched.

Dan immediately pulled his pink haired girlfriend out of the world of amorous tentacles and girls who unexpectedly found themselves with new anatomy. Unfortunately for him, Pinkie brought a little of that world with her as she continued to grasp onto an open publication.

“GRAH!” Dan made a startled and throaty noise as he slapped the item out of Pinkie’s hand. With a near catatonic expression on her face, Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan’s torso and buried her head in his chest.

Dan sighed, face palmed with his throbbing left hand, then sighed again. “Great, goofball, I just rubbed our salvia in my eyes. Now that’s two reasons I need to bleach them clean. Thanks for getting it on my shirt, too, by-the-by.”

“I…have…seen…things…I…can’t…unsee…” Pinkie murmured in response as she began trembling.

Dan scrunched his face to the side and wrapped his arms around Pinkie, wiping the collection of salvia off his hand and onto her shirt as he did so. “There, there, moron. You stared into the abyss and the abyss was full of feisty tentacles apparently. Now that you’ve mental scared the both of us, can we please go!?”

“…I’ll never be able to eat squid again…” Pinkie continued to mumble.

“What about octopus?” Dan suggested.

Pinkie cringed in his arms…

“…Cuttlefish?”

Pinkie looked up at Dan, arms still wrapped tightly around him. “That’s sick! Who would want to eat fish that swims around hugging things?!”

“Not ‘cuddle’ fish, ‘cuttle’ fish, ignoramus.” Dan explained.

“Oh…” Pinkie replied. “Uh, I don’t know…what’s it looked like?”

Dan reached into his pocket, pulled out his smart phone, pressed the screen a few times, and then turned it to face Pinkie.

“Eek! Tentacles!” Pinkie cried, diving away from Dan and the device…

…and back into the ‘Adults Only’ section.

“EEEEEEEEEK! MORE TENTACLES!”

Dan watched with a sort of disconnected amusement as Pinkie dove out of the curtained off section and fell to her hands and knees, perfectly positioning her face over the still open publication he had knocked out of her hands just moments before.

“OH CELESTIA! IT’S HAUNTING ME!” Pinkie declared sprinting out of the anime section at full speed…

…and colliding directly into a display stand full of Cthulhu themed plushies and games.

“WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!” Pinkie shrieked as she bolted out of the plushie pile of elder god proboscises into some far off corner of the comic book store.

Dan shook his head. “You’re right, Pinkie. You are hilarious.”

**

After several minutes of hysterical sobbing, followed by purchasing their items, the couple enjoyed a quiet car ride home.

Dan stared out into the road as he drove on.

Pinkie stared blankly out the passenger window, deciding to break the silence.

“Dan? What’s ‘ya-oy’?”

“…What? How the heck would I know! That’s not even a word.”

Pinkie pursed her lips and thought. “Maybe I’m not pronouncing it right… Y-A-O-I.” She spelled out.

“Okay, now you have to be making stuff up! That’s practically all vowels!”

Pinkie knitted her brow. “I’m not making it up!” She insisted. “It was in that horrendible adults only section!”

“Why are you even asking if it came from that unholy place?!” Dan roared out. “You’re like a cat with ADD!” Dan said, quickly motioning out to Pinkie with a hand.

Pinkie pouted. “I just noticed a distinct lack of tentacles from around that area…”

Pinkie went silent again, then added. “Well, maybe you know what ‘Guro’ means…”

Dan thought for a second. “Wait, I think I know this one… Isn’t Goro that big guy from the Mortal Kombat games with two sets of arms?”

“Hmmmm…” Pinkie thought about this. “Why would he get his own section in the ‘adults only’ section?

It was Dan’s turn to think about this. “Huh…Maybe there’s a group of deranged fetishists who are really into arms?” He suggested.

“Oooo! Oooo! And when that’s not enough, these people turn to tentacles!”

“Uh…sure?” Dan answered with a shrug. “Look, I’m not really an expert here, why don’t you just snoop around the internet when we get home?”

Pinkie shuttered. “Uhhh…that sounds like a traumatizing idea.”

“Maybe you can wear protective gear?” Dan suggested. “Like protective eyewear…Oh! I can let you borrow my Ren Fair armor.”

“Well…I do like to dress up…”

**

Pinkie sat in front of her laptop on the easy chair, now wearing a steel helmet complete with downed face guard and red plume, and metal gauntlets over her hands.

Dan sat on the couch, his feet resting on the coffee table in front of it, Mr. Mumbles curled up on his lap, and a large pile of comics and graphic novels sitting next to him as he silently flipped through the pages of the one he was holding.

“Let’s see…” Pinkie muttered. “G-U-R-O, enter! Hmmm…” Pinkie looked over the web results quizzically. “Huh, that’s not a lot of help…” She muttered.

She attempted to push the ‘Images’ button on the screen, but found it was unresponsive to her metal covered fingers. The touchpad was similarly unresponsive.

She sighed as she removed her helmet, causing a cascade of pink curls to fall back into place and revealing a set of goggles strapped to her forehead. She reached up to the goggles and pulled them over her eyes, leaned her face forward, and lightly tapped the ‘Images’ button on the screen with her nose.

“…”

“..?”

“..!”

“?!?”

“!!!”

“THE GOGGLES! THEY DO NOTHING!” Pinkie screamed as she frantically closed the lid to her computer.

Dan glanced over the top of the comic he was reading. “Could you keep the tortured wails down? I’m trying to read!”

Pinkie wrapped her arms and gauntlet covered hands around herself. “So…much…blood…and guts…and dismemberment…”

Dan paused. “Sounds like a good time to me!”

Pinkie shot Dan a glare full of laser beams, grabbed her computer, faced it towards Dan, and opened the lid.

“GHHGK!” Dan choked out as he buried his face in the comic he was reading, crinkling it as he brought it as close to his face as humanly possible.

“MERROW! HISSSSS!” Mr. Mumbles protested as she jumped off of Dan’s lap and scampered into the bedroom.

 “WHY DO YOU INSIST ON SHARING THESE THINGS WITH ME!?” Dan screamed out.

“WHY DID YOU SUGGEST I GO TO THE INTERNET TO FIND THESE THINGS OUT?!” Pinkie screamed out, slamming her laptop shut once again.

“It’s not my fault you have the judgment of a cat who thinks a clothes dryer is a comfy place to sleep!”

Mr. Mumbles hissed in protest from the bedroom.

“You’re my boyfriend!” Pinkie reminded. “I thought you were supposed to protect me from these sorts of things!”

“Look! If you need someone to throw you out of the way of a bus, or face down a zombie horde with you, I’m there on a bear! But I’m not going to go around sullying my brain with disturbing filth because you’re too stupid to leave well enough alone!”

Pinkie went silent as her one of her eyes began to twitch and she ground her teeth against each other.

Dan paused, recognizing the telltale signs that Pinkie was about to blow her lid.

“Uh… wait…did I said stupid?” Dan stammered out, backpedaling. “I meant, brainless…er…senseless?”

Pinkie snarled angrily in response.

“Foolish?” Dan suggested, having run out of sugar to coat his statement with.

“GRRRAAH!” Pinkie lunged at Dan with a frustrated growl, reaching out with metal gauntlet encased hands.

*Several minutes of close quarter hand-to-hand combat later…*

“Whoa…huff…puff…déjà vu.” Dan uttered as he took large, breathy gasps of air.

 “Dan?” Pinkie asked from under her boyfriend’s body, a gauntlet raised up to his face. “How did we end up like this?”

“Uhhh…I called you stupid and you attacked at me.” Dan reminded as he pinned one of Pinkie’s arms down with his hand and held himself up off the ground with the other.

Pinkie giggled. “Oh yeah…hehe…I kinda forgot I was supposed to be mad at you…” Pinkie said, trailing off at the end. She leaned her head back and looked around the apartment floor, observing the clothing that was now strewn about.

Dan grinned. “Maybe I should start making you mad at me more often! That was way better than a thumb in the eye.”

“And less painful than a knee in the sternum!” Pinkie added, matching Dan’s grin. She knitted her eyebrows slightly. “Still, we need to figure something out that doesn’t involve fire or violence.” She commented, squirming her hand out of Dan’s grasp and pulling her ‘PARTY HARD’ shirt back down over her chest. She rotated her body and reached for a pair of pink, frilly boy-shorts that were lying in a heap on the floor.

“Ahhh, but fire and violence is like ninety-five percent of what I got!” Dan protested as he reached out for his boxers.

Somewhat dressed, Pinkie stood up and walked towards the bathroom. “…I think I’ll have a shower…” She said, tapping a metal clad index finger to her chin.

“Uh, sure…I guess I can just go back to read…”

Pinkie turned her head back and flashed Dan a smirk and narrowed, bedroom eyes. “Coming?” She asked.

Dan stood up and grinned a toothy, mischievous smile. “I thought I already…”

‘CLANG!’

“OW!”

A metal gauntlet clattered to the ground fresh from its short flight into Dan’s face.

Dan rubbed his eye painfully. “Coming…” He replied weekly, following the still smirking Pinkie Pie into the bathroom.

*One extra-long, steamy shower later…*

Dan had regained his seat on the couch, this time, his stack of comics and graphic novels sat on the coffee table in front of him while Pinkie rested her head against him, having changed into a pink shirt with her cutie mark on the chest and long, white and pink striped sleeves; matching leggings; and a short, pink skirt.

“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie craned her neck back so that she was now looking up at her boyfriend with large, sky-blue eyes.

“Hmmm?” Dan replied simply, continuing to read what was in front of him.

“I’m still not sure what ‘ya-oy’ is…”

Dan knitted his brow and turned to look at Pinkie. “Geez, hasn’t this experience taught you anything!?”

Pinkie pondered this, rubbing her thumb and forefinger against her chin, “Well…I’m certainly not going to look up any words I see in an ‘Adults Only’ section on the internet.”

“Seriously, if you want irreparable brain damage, you can stick your head in the apartment doorway and I can slam it shut on you a few times…” Dan suggested.

“Uhhh…” Pinkie flashed Dan a pensive smile. “I think I get enough blunt force forehead trauma in my day to day life…” Pinkie paused, then her face lit up. “Oooo! Oooo! You said Elise is really into this weird Japanesese stuff, right?!”

“Well…She made Chris sit through some strange stuff, I don’t know if she could answer your questions…but she’d definitely, maybe, probably treat you better than the cold, unfeeling, internet…”

Pinkie leaned up, hopped to her feet, and dashed off to fetch her phone. “I’m going to give her a call.”

Dan merely shrugged. “Good luck.” He offered. “…You’re going to need it…” He muttered to himself.

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 53: Pinkie Vs. Yaoi

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 53: Pinkie Vs. Yaoi

*****

“Hey, Pinkie! What’s up?” Elise asked into her phone.

“Uh…hey Elise…” Pinkie responded tentatively.

“Uh-oh, what did he do?” Elise said, recognizing Pinkie’s tone as a sign that something, likely Dan related, was the matter.

“Huh? I don’t know, what did he do?” Pinkie said in a confused tone.

“Wait, what?”

“OH! I get it, you’re playing twenty questions!” Pinkie responded excitedly.

“I am?”

“I knew it! Is he baking? Raking? Skating? Snaking? Wait, is snaking a thing?! Shoot that was a question. How many do I have left? NO WAIT! That was another question…uh…”

“Pinkie?”

“Skiing? Bee keeping? Snorkeling? Surfing? Driving? Flying? Lying? Buying?..uh…”

“Pinkie!”

“Hiking? Dancing? Prancing? Am I getting warmer? Colder? What’s Ya-oy?”

“PINK…wait, what was that last one?”

“Erm…’What’s Ya-oy?’”

“Uh…I’m not sure that’s a word, can you spell it?” Elise asked.

“Y-A-O-I.”

There was a pause on the other line. “I’ll be right over!” Elise said as she terminated the call.

Pinkie pulled her own phone away from her face and gave it a perplexed look. “Huh.” She placed it into her pink bag and walked back out into the living area, and sat down next to Dan.

“I take it Elise filled your head with even more unspeakable images?” Dan asked without looking up from his comic.

“Uhhh…not exactly…she said she’d be right over as soon as I asked her about y-o-a-i.” Pinkie explained.

“Huh, ominous. She’s, no doubt, coming to indoctrinate you into her twisted cult of depraved deviants.” Dan declared.

“What! Elise wouldn’t do that…” Pinkie’s expression changed from mild surprise to mild worry. “…would she?”

“Behind that façade of a normal, functioning adult lies a twisted killing machine who is not above using her friends and loved-ones to further her own goals…”

“Well, d’uh!” Pinkie replied.

“…and behind that lies a warped, debauched individual; no doubt stockpiling her strange cult paraphernalia behind closed doors and pouring over it when no one is around.” Dan turned the page on his comic. “Mark my words, when you come back you’ll be asking me to wear a cape, cover you in chocolate syrup, and flog you with a spoon as you call me ‘Count Chocula’…”

“…”

Dan looked up from his comic, having noticed that Pinkie had gone completely silent.

Pinkie’s face had flushed red and she was sporting a goofy smile, and a slightly glazed over expression.

“…You’re thinking that sounds ‘fun’, aren’t you, goofball?” Dan said, surprised to find a frown and smirk were vying for control of his mouth.

“Wellll…” Pinkie purred. “…It didn’t involve fire or violence, and you do have a cape, and I can make chocolate syrup…I mean…I’m willing to try anything once…or even two or three times…”

Dan rolled his eyes, keeping his comic in up high enough to hide his expression. “You must be the most bizarre girl on this planet or any other for that matter…”

“That wasn’t a noooo~.” Pinkie sang out.

Dan lifted his comic back over his face in lieu of providing a response, a tactic that would quickly prove to be ineffective as Pinkie simply walked over and lowered the item with an index finger to get a better look at her boyfriend’s face

Pinkie giggled. “Daaaan~? Is that a smirown I see?”

“That’s not even a word, moron…” Dan mumbled in reply, his face turning red as he broke eye contact. He felt warm hands on his cheek as his head was turned back to face Pinkie who leaned down to plant a sloppy kiss on his mouth, a kiss Dan quickly found himself returning.

“Well, I guess I know what we’re doing tonight…” Pinkie cooed as she broke the kiss and flashed Dan a sultry look.

Dan turned his beet red face back towards his comic. “Fine!” He growled out. “But this is how these things start, next thing you know you’ll have a strange desire to wrestle me in a kiddie-pool full of lactose free pudding.”

“…”

Dan sighed, and lowered his comic again where he was greeted by Pinkie’s luminescent red face and a giant, toothy grin.

“Note to self: shut up!” Dan said, chastising himself.

“I guess I know what we’re doing tomorrow…”

***

Pinkie looked over the shelves and shelves full of various sinister looking weapons and devices complete with radioactive symbols, skulls and crossbones, and bright yellow and black signs that said ‘DANGER’.

“Should I even be seeing these?” She asked the maroon haired girl walking in front of her.

Elise shook her head. “Absolutely not. And if you tell anyone about it, I might just have to kill them and you…sorry about that.”

Pinkie giggled. “That’s okay, Elise! Dan threatens to kill me all the time! The secret of your underground bunker full of frighteningly destructive looking devices is safe with me!” She declared.

Elise paused. “Huh? Oh right, yeah, don’t tell anyone about that, either…” Elise stopped in front of a heavy looking metal doorway. She waved a card over a reader next to it. This was followed by a small compartment that opened up to reveal a number pad. Elise rapidly entered a series of numbers, which resulted in yet another compartment opening with what looked like a tiny viewport that Elise stuck her eye in. Finally, a large green light above the door flashed as the door slid up.

Elise and Pinkie walked into a large circular room, the walls where covered with shelves full of various publications and in the center sat a comfortable looking couch next to an office chair, and a plain metal desk.

Pinkie took in her new surroundings.

Wow…it’s almost like a metal version of Twilight’s home…

…If Twilight’s library only had books with guys hugging and undressing each other.

“Wait…” Pinkie said as she looked around her. “So Ya-oy…”

“Yao-eee.” Elise corrected.

“Yaoi is like…some guys only hugging party?” Pinkie suggested as she reached for a random item of the shelves.

“Well…that’s sort of the idea…” Elise responded. “WAIT! Pinkie! That one’s really…”

“GHAK!” Pinkie exclaimed as she stared at an open page. Her face went red as she covered her own eyes, still holding the magazine like item open.

“…graphic.” Elise finished.

Pinkie opened her fingers slightly and took another look with a single eye, winced and closed her fingers back up.

“Uh…Are you okay?” Elise asked.

“Sorry,” Pinkie replied, “I can’t figure out if I’m traumatized or strangely intrigued…” Pinkie put the item back on the shelf and grabbed another at random and opened it.

She repeated the process of flinching, covering her eyes, and peeking out at the item again before wincing and covering her eye once more. “I think I’m strangely intraumatigued.” Pinkie replied.

Elise chuckled as she reached for the item and gently put it back in place.

“Why don’t I give you something a bit tamer to start with?” Elise suggested.

Pinkie nodded. “Yes, please! I think my brain is rapidly approaching some sort of ‘thingies being forcefully inserted into other people’s thingies’ critical overload, today…”

“Sounds like a good tiI mean, sounds rough.” Elise replied, searching her shelves. “Ah, here we go.”

Elise pulled out a dozen, small book like items and handed one to Pinkie.

Pinkie looked it over as Elise set the others on the desk.

“Gravitation?” Pinkie read out loud, looking over the cover of a grinning, pink haired, pink eyed man holding a microphone and wearing goggles on his forehead in front of the portrait of a smiling blonde haired, blue eyed man. She giggled. “Hey, he has pink hair, too!”

 Elise smiled, “I think you’ll enjoy it…it’s strangely relatable to your current situation…”

“Oooo! Is someone stuck in another dimension in this as well?!” Pinkie asked excitedly.

“Uhh…”

Alright, that was weird…even for Pinkie.

“Not that situation.” Elise clarified.

***

Pinkie walked back into the apartment, carrying her pink bag in one hand, and a tote bag in the other.

Dan shot her a quick glance. “Is that your pervert cult supplies?” Dan asked.

Pinkie giggled and showed Dan one of the manga volumes. “Yeppers!”

“Huh, I was sure you’d break out edible underwear and handcuffs…” Dan commented.

“…”

Dan smacked a palm against his forehead and slowly dragged it down his face as he grumbled to himself.

“THEY MAKE UNDERWEAR YOU CAN EAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Me and my big mouth…” Dan grumbled to himself.

“I guess I know what we’re doing the day after tomorrow…”

*

“Hrrrmmmmmm…HRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMM…”

Dan looked up grumpily. “What is it this…” He paused and knitted his brow. “What are you doing?”

Dan looked over at Pinkie who was lying across the easy chair arm rests on her back and craning her neck to stare up at a manga she was holding sideways.

“This book doesn’t read left to righty, it reads right to lefty, so I’m seeing if reading from another angle helps.” Pinkie informed.

Dan sighed and went back to reading. “What’s sad is that’s the most sensible thing I’ve heard you say all day…”

**

Dan lowered his graphic novel, starting to get a tad unnerved by how quiet Pinkie was, “So…traumatized yet?”

Pinkie giggled, and looked up from her book. “Nopers! It’s kinda fun actually! And it reminds me of you and me!”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, the main character is hyperactive and strange like me, and his love interest is a jerk likeOWIE!”

Pinkie rubbed the side of her face that the spine of a graphic novel had just visited at high speed. “Of course, you know, this only proves my point.”

**

“EEEEK!”

Startled Dan looked up to see the familiar sight of a wide eyed, red faced, Pinkie Pie staring into open space with a frightened expression.

“Uh… I take it theunspeakable images finally made an appearance?”

Pinkie sighed as she closed the manga and rested it on her stomach, looking towards Dan with an upside-down pout. “Not exactly, though it was made abundantly clear what happened…” Pinkie paused. “You wouldn’t stick anything in my plot without asking first, would you?” She asked.

“Uh…sure?” Dan replied, not exactly certain what Pinkie was asking.

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well…shall we burn the books since they inflicted even more damage on your psyche?” Dan suggested.

“No way!” Pinkie protested, sitting back up and standing to her feet. “I want to find out what happens to Shuichi and Yuki!”

Dan paused. “Welp, it’s official, you’re a pervert.” He said, going back to looking at his graphic novel.

Pinkie hung her head and sighed. “Yeah…I know…”

Dan’s reading was soon interrupted as he felt something on his lap, he looked down to see a mop of pink hair attached to a pouting Pinkie Pie staring up at him with large, pleading, sky-blue eyes as she held one of the Hellsing boxes up.

“Do I have to?” Dan whined.

“I need something loud and violent to help blast away the day full of exposure to people being violated in every conceivable way…” Pinkie explained.

Dan grinned and grabbed the box, examining the back of it. “Judging by the look of things, I think you’re trading one form of violation for another…”

Pinkie whimpered. “Please, Dan?”

Dan sighed. “Oh, alright.” He said putting his graphic novel down.

“Yay!” Pinkie said triumphantly, sitting up and kissing Dan on the cheek.

“But if I don’t like it, I’m tying you to the bed and torturing you with a peacock feather.”

“…”

Dan sighed heavily and grasped the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

“I know what we’re doing...”

“DON’T SAY IT!”

*Soon*

Pinkie and Dan stared wide eyed at the T.V. as a torrent of gunfire rang out from the speakers.

“I am pleasantly surprised by the level of carnage here…” Dan commented.

“Dan, I think I need that gun.” Pinkie said, pointing at the screen.

“Uhh…I doubt you’d be able to hold it properly, let alone aim and fire it…”

“But it’s so cool!” Pinkie insisted, motioning out to the T.V. with both her hands.

“Well…I can’t argue with you there…”

*Later*

“Also, I need that gun!” Pinkie insisted.

“…Fine! But I get a grey trench-coat and a few dozen bayonets.” Dan replied.

Pinkie grinned. “Just so long as I get a red trench-coat and a fancy hat.”

“…Deal”

*Many hours later *

“…”

“…”

“Okay, now I need that gun!”

“That’s not a gun, that’s a semi-mobile anti-aircraft system with a freakishly strong girl attached…”

“Dan…I think I’m in love…” Pinkie declared, gawking at the screen.

“Uh? With the girl or the gun?”

“…Both.” Pinkie replied.

“…I’m strangely okay with this…” Dan admitted.

Pinkie beamed at Dan. “Can that be my next birthday present?”

“Uh…I’m not sure how I would even acquire 345kg worth of 30 mm auto cannons, but if you’re good.” Dan assured with a smile.

“Yay!”

*And finally.*

“WHAT?! That’s it?! It’s over?! IT CAN’T BE OVER!” Dan roared at the screen.

Pinkie was on her laptop in a flash, not even paying attention to the gory images on her screen as she quickly typed away.

“Uh…” Pinkie mumbled to herself as she read. “It says the last two episodes haven’t been licensed yet…”

“But…” Dan protested. “We have to wait?”

Pinkie whimpered. “Looks like…”

Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“FUNIMAAAAAAAATIO…MMMMPH!”

“Dan, no!” Pinkie pleaded, as she held a hand over Dan’s mouth. “If we go and blow up their studio, then we’ll have to wait longer! They may not even make that at all!” Pinkie added with a whimper.

Dan sighed. “But I HATE waiting!” He whined.

“Well…it looks like this is based off a manga series.”

“What do fruit have to do with this?”

“Manga,notmango.” Pinkie corrected. She began to giggle. “Though, could you imagine if things were written on fruit and people had to read that? I mean, how hilarious…”

Dan lightly flicked Pinkie’s forehead. “Focus, goofball.”

“Uh, right! Maybe the comic book store has the manga and we can read that!”

“Huh…good thinking, goofball. We can head over now, and…”

“Dan, it’s the middle of the night. They’re closed.”

“…break a window, and crawl into…”

“Dan, I’m NOT breaking into a store my brand new friend works at just to read what happens next…even if the store was exceptionally traumatizing.”

Dan crossed his arms and put on a sullen look. “Fine…” His face let up. “Hey! You can call Becky and she can just let us in!”

“Uh…I’m sure she’s asleep by now.”

“So?”

“…Aaaaand maybe we should save that sort of desperate measure for someone who’s a big pushover, like Chris?” Pinkie said with a pensive grin.

“GHAH! You’re no fun at all!” Dan declared.

Pinkie pouted, but soon a mischievous grin and sly, narrowed eyes replaced her expression. “I know what we can do that’s fun…I mean…if you want to play vampire…”

Dan’s expression softened. “You are so weird…”

“Aaaaaaand~?” Pinkie asked as her grin went full Cheshire Cat.

Dan sighed as his face flushed crimson. “So am I, it would seem… I’ll go get a spoon and my cape…”

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 54: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Terrifi-Guy

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 54: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Terrifi-Guy

*****

Becky paused as she stared at the tent setup just outside the comic book store.

Huh…it’s not even new comic day…who can be that desperate…

Without warning the tent unzipped and Becky caught a glimpse of something pink before red and white striped arms wrapped themselves around her.

“BECKY!” Pinkie declared happily, giving the surprised comic book store employee a giant hug.

“Oof…Hey Pinkie.” Becky said with a small smile. “I take it you liked Hellsing…”

Pinkie stood back slightly and nodded vigorously. “Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” Her expression changed to mild nervousness. “Juuuust one problem, though…”

“Oh?” Becky asked.

“YOU!”

Becky and Pinkie turned back to the tent to see Dan leveling an angry index finger and an even angrier expression at Becky.

“YOU RECOMMENDED SOMETHING THAT WASN’T FINISHED!” Dan accused.

Becky paused. “Oh, right! I forgot Ultimate still has a couple more episodes to go…sorry guys. I’m pretty sure we have the manga in stock.” She offered.

Pinkie grinned at Dan who visibly calmed down.

“See! I told you they’d have it!” Pinkie said.

“You’re lucky we didn’t burgle this place last night.” Dan declared.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe…burgle…”

“Uh…sorry.” Becky offered with a pensive smile.

“I talked him down to camping until you opened.” Pinkie explained.

Becky turned to Pinkie with a smirk. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing he has you to keep him in line.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot!” Pinkie said with a smile.

“Less talky, more openy!” Dan insisted.

“Uh, sure guys, let me just unlock the door.” Becky replied as Dan impatiently began to hover around the door and Pinkie giddily hopped from foot to foot.

Becky sniffed the air. “What smells like chocolate?” She asked no one in particular.

Pinkie tittered nervously. “Turns out chocolate syrup is kinda hard to wash out of your hair…”

“AND capes!” Dan added irritably. His angry pointer finger reemerged, leveled at Pinkie. “You owe me a new one!”

Pinkie bowed. “Forgive me, your Countlyness.” She looked up with a grin. “I guess you’ll just have to subject me to more deliciously chocolaty torture.”

Becky hastened unlocking the door, remembering Dan’s unfortunate willingness to share the strange activities the two do behind closed doors. “Aaaaand we’re open!” She declared a little too excitedly.

She breathed a sigh of relief as Pinkie and Dan rushed in and bee-lined for the manga section. She caught up to them as Pinkie gleefully filled a basket with 10 red volumes of Hellsing.

“You know, if you guys liked that I could recommend a few other things.”

Dan paused from examining the publications in Pinkie’s basket to glower at Becky. “Are these things that are actually finished!?”

Becky smiled as she put her hands up defensively. “Promise!”

“They better be! Otherwise I’ll find your houseboat and sink it straight to Davy Jones’ Locker!” Dan declared.

“But I don’t…” Becky turned to Pinkie. “Is he always like this?”

“Preeeety much…” Pinkie admitted. She sauntered up besides Dan and wrapped an arm around his neck and began rubbing her nose against his. “You’re just a big ol’ angry teddy bear, arnt’cha? Arnt’cha?”

Dan forcefully, but slowly pushed Pinkie off of him. “No huggy nonsense out in public! You’re lucky you’re you otherwise I would have bit your face off.”

Pinkie gasped. “But if I wasn’t me, then who would I be? And if it wasn’t me hugging you and giving you nose rubs then who would that be?! And if you bit the face off of that person, you might go to prison! And then I wouldn’t be able to visit you because I wouldn’t be me! I’d be someone else! And that person wouldn’t know his or her boyfriend inflicted bitey assault on a hypothetical person’s hypothetical face, because he or she wouldn’t have you as his or her boyfriend! Oh, Dan! You can’t go to hypothetical prison, you just can’t!” Pinkie pleaded, intertwining her fingers and holding her hands up under her chin.

Becky turned to Dan with a smirk. “I take it she’s always like this, too.”

Dan shrugged. “A little chloroform goes a long way.”

Becky giggled, then stopped when she realized she wasn’t actually sure if Dan was joking. “Uh, how about I suggest a few more things for you guys to watch?”

“Yes, please!” Pinkie replied happily.

Dan flicked his hand out and motioned down the aisle. “Lead the way, anime muse.”

Becky continued walking down the aisle. “So, Dan. I know you like westerns…how about a sci-fi western about interplanetary bounty hunters?”

“There was literally nothing about that sentence I did not like.” Dan replied.

Becky grinned as she reached for a box set of Cowboy Bebop.

“Hey…” Pinkie interrupted. “Anyone else hear that?”

Becky and Dan turned towards Pinky.

“Hear what?” Dan asked.

“It kinda sounds like a large, muscular man wearing tights diving through the air and towards the store at a high spe…” Pinkie began to shake rapidly. “Uh-oh…”

‘CRASH!’

Dan immediately dove on top of Pinkie as the ceiling above them erupted into a hailstorm of wood and metal.

Becky coughed as a cloud of dust settled around her.

“Dan! DAN! Are you alright?!” Pinkie called in a panicked tone as her boyfriend laid against her under a pile of rubble.

Dan slowly opened his eyes. “Cough…Fine…” He choked out. “I think my spine absorbed most of the impact…oohhhps?”

A large muscular hand reached down and pulled Dan out of rubble.

Dan quickly found himself being held by the shirt collar and staring at an angry man with slicked back, brown hair, and a chiseled jaw.

“Hello Dr. Jerk. Remember me?” The muscular man in black tights with a large yellow ‘T’ on his chest growled out in a deep voice.

Dan took a quick look up and down his assailant He was also wearing a belt with a large, golden ‘G’ on the buckle, blue gloves, blue boots, and a long blue cape.

“Uhhh…I blew up your condo?” Dan suggested.

“Oooo! Oooo! Maybe the obstacle course?” Pinkie suggested, crawling out from under the rubble and wiping dust off her shirt, jean shorts, and bare legs.

“Oh! Good call. Are you an android?” Dan asked turning back to the man.

“Noooo…” He growled out, narrowing his eyes at Dan.

“Wait, where you the old lady I yelled at because you had too many items in the quick check out line and about a hundred coupons?” Dan asked.

“Oh! I hate that!” Pinkie added.

“How could I possibly be an old lady?” The man in tights asked.

“Uh…look, I think my head got hit in that debris avalanche. I’m having a little trouble focusing at the moment…are you the Girl Scout we shot in the face with a cannon that fires money?”

“WHAT?! No it’s ME Terrifi-guy!”

“Oh…Oooooooh…right…uh….yeah…” Dan replied trailing off.

“He’s the superhero you defeated by covering in hot sauce!” Pinkie reminded.

“Oh! Him! Right.” Dan turned to Terrifi-guy. “Look I’m sor…wait…”

Dan looked at Pinkie as Terrifi-guy continued to hold him aloft by his shirt collar.

“Conscience, help me out here, am I sorry?” Dan asked Pinkie.

Pinkie pondered this. “Well…he did destroy your car without an apology and, honestly, he seems a bit of a stuck-up jerk, so naw.” Pinkie replied with a shrug.

“A jerk who just crashed through the roof to the comic book store!” Becky added angrily.

“Sorry, ma’am. But this is official superhero business. We don’t have time for your conventional modes of entering buildings. Besides! It’s nice outside. Now you have a sunroof.” Terrifi-Guy said with a grin as he motioned to the hole in the ceiling.

“SUN ROOF?! Dan, don’t apologize to this jerk!” Becky requested.

Terrifi-Guy knitted his brow and turned to stare at the two women. “Just whose side are you two on, anyways?”

The two women wasted no time in pointing at Dan.

“But…I’m a superhero!” Terrifi-Guy protested as he motioned to himself.

“A superhero who wrecked my shop!” Becky declared.

“A superhero who wrecked my boyfriend!” Pinkie added.

Terrifi-Guy turned back to Dan. “Boyfriend? How the heck did a guy like you end up with a girl like that?!”

Dan turned his palms up and stared off into the store for a second. “Why does everyone keep asking me that!?” Dan stated in an irritated tone. “I’m awesome! She’s awesome! Of course she’s my girlfriend!”

Pinkie giggled and turned to Becky. “Hehe…He called me awesome!”

Becky smiled back at Pinkie and quickly turned back to the scene in front of her with a look of concern.

Terrifi-Guy leveled an accusatory index finger at Dan. “No, you must be using some sort of heinous mind control device on the poor girl! I’m on to you, Dr. Jerk.”

“I’m not being mind controlled!” Pinkie asserted. She quickly glanced at the hole in the ceiling and tapped an index finger to her chin. “Or am I? And if I was, is it really in my best interest to not be mind controlled? I mean, I’m pretty happy being Dan’s girlfriend…unless the mind control is just making me think I’m happy and really I’d be sad about the whole thing! Dan! Help me out here…I think I’m having one of those… uh…whatchacall’ems…Phyllo pastry Canada drums…”

Terrifi-Guy and Becky stared blankly at Pinkie Pie.

“You mean, ‘philosophical conundrums’, goofball.” Dan corrected.

“Oh! Right, that thing!”

“Alright, I take it back, you’re just out of your mind.” Terrifi-Guy observed.

“Oooo! Right! Good use of Occham’s Taser!” Pinkie replied.

“Uh…I think you mean, ‘Occam’s Razor’.” Becky suggested.

“Right! That too!”

Dan turned back to Terrfi-guy with a large, toothy grin. “By the way, about the whole’ dumping hot sauce on you until you lost all your powers, thing. Sorry, but I’m not sorry.”

Terrifi-Guy raised Dan high above his head and pulled back his other fist. “I’m going to punch you into the Sun, any last words?”

Dan grinned devilishly. “Super soaker.”

“Not much of an epitaph.” Terrifi-Guy commented.

“To bad, ‘cause it’s yours.”  Dan countered.

Pinkie began to gleefully pump the handle on a large, Super Soaker and leveled it at Terrifi-Guy.

Terrifi-Guy rolled his eyes. “More water? Didn’t you learn anything from last…”

Pinkie pulled the trigger on the large, liquid shooting rifle and a high pressure stream of red fluid shot out of the device in into Terrifi-Guy’s face.

“AH! HOT SAUCE! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!” He dropped Dan to the ground as he begun feverishly trying to rub the substance off his face.

Pinkie quickly shoved the Super Soaker into Becky’s hands and rushed over to Dan, raising him to his feet. “Dan! Are you alright!?”

“Well, aside from the searing agony in my back and throbbing pain in my head, I’m fine.” Dan answered.

Pinkie pouted as she wrapped an arm around Dan’s torso, and draped one of his arms over her neck.

“Uh…Dan, do you need a ride to the hospital, or something?” Becky asked.

“Pffffft…hospitals are for squares.” Dan responded.

“IT BURNS!” Terrifi-Guy shouted as he writhed on the ground in agony.

“Pipe down you.” Dan said, placing a kick into Terrifi-Guy’s ribs.

Pinkie grabbed the Super Soaker back from Becky with her free hand, placed the pump handle in her mouth, vigorously shook her head back and forth, and took the weapon back out of her mouth. “Super Soaker?” She asked Dan.

“Please!” Dan grabbed the weapon and happily fired a spicy round into Terrifi-Guy.

“AHHHHH!”

“The habanero really adds a nice kick, doesn’t it?” Dan stated.

“Iknowright!” Pinkie replied happily.

The couple turned back to Becky.

“So…Space Cowboys. Sounds like a good start!” Dan declared. “What else you got.”

“Uh…Oh! Right. How about…An exiled teen gains the power to control others and uses it to reclaim his birthright.” Becky suggested.

“Hmmm…It’s an okay premise…” Dan replied.

“Also, there’s giant robots.”

Pinkie and Dan exchanged excited looks. “SOLD!” They said in unison.

The trio continued walking through the store, Becky avoiding Terrifi-guy and the rubble, Dan and Pinkie making it a point to step on and over him.

“WHY WON’T THE SEARING PAIN STOP?!”

***

“Have I ever told you how much I HATE this store?!” Dan asserted angrily.

“Only every time we come here and every five minutes when we’re here!” Pinkie replied cheerfully as she emptied a fridge of all its almond milk into a shopping cart.

“Why do we even come here!?”  Dan stated, angrily motioning out to his surroundings. “It’s like some sort of convention for people who’ve escaped the fashion police! Guess how many people, I’ve seen wearing sweat pants! GUESS!”

“Uhhh…We’re here because this place sells groceries and kiddie pools, and five.” Pinkie answered.

Dan sighed. “Good point, and good guess…”

Pinkie began to shake once more, this time she quickly grabbed Dan and moved him out of the way as debris fell from the ceiling.

Terrifi-Guy glowered at the couple as he hovered in the air. “Did you two think you’d be rid of me that easily?!”

“Honestly?” Dan replied. “We just didn’t care.” He added with a shrug.

“Yeah…like…not even a little bit.” Pinkie added.

“But…but I’m a superhero!”

“With a pretty exploitable, weakness I must say.” Dan added.

“Yeah…I mean…you can get hot sauce from anywhere!” Pinkie stated.

Terrifi-Guy sighed. “I see I have no choice but to send you both into the Null Dimension to keep my secret safe.”

“What secret? It was on the news!” Dan reminded.

“Yeah! I mean…everyone must have seen it!” Pinkie added.

“Well, let’s not kid ourselves, it was the local news.” Dan replied.

“Okay…so…lots of Los Angelites saw it…” Pinkie amended.

Dan shook his head. “That can’t be right…”

“Los Angelians?” Pinkie suggested.

“That sounds too much like aliens.”

“Uhhh…Los Angeleses?”

“That just sounds stupid.”

“It’s Los Angelenos!” Terrifi-Guy interjected irritably.

“Right, so…lots of Los Angelenos…”

“Look! While I lost my powers, a crime wave has swept the nation! Van Nuys airport closed down because of a terrorist attack, Lenny’s from across the nation have been terrorized, and people have just gone crazy and burnt down entire clothing stores!”

Dan and Pinkie exchanged worried looking glances.

“And now I’m dealing with you two idiots instead of figuring out who’s responsible.”

Dan and Pinkie quietly breathed a collective sigh of relief.

“WHO PUT THIS GOSH DARN HOLE IN THE ROOF?!” An aged man in a blue vest and white shirt demanded irately.

Dan and Pinkie wasted no time in pointing at Terrifi-Guy.

“Step aside, old timer. Official superhero business.”  Terrifi-Guy stated, as he looked down upon the old store employee.

The blue vested man coughed and wheezed. “Old timer?! Listen, whippersnapper, in my day superheroes treated others with respect! They didn’t rip giant holes in ceilings to hassle innocent people!”

Terrifi-Guy sighed as he lowered himself to the ground. “In your day, people still rode horses to get around!”

“Sounds fun to me!” Pinkie replied.

“Quiet, street walker, this doesn’t concern you.” Terrifi-Guy shot out.

There was an angry growl followed quickly by the sound of broken glass.

“AHHH! HOT!” Terrifi-Guy cried. “IT BuGHGHGK!”

Terrifi-Guy’s screaming was suddenly cut short courtesy of the broken half of a hot sauce bottle Dan was trying to shove down his throat as the superhero collapsed to the ground.

“CHOKE ON IT AND DIE, YOU TIGHT-WEARING FREAK!” Dan snarled.

“Cough…weeez….Good going sonny, that’s how we did it in the Spanish-American war!” The old man stated with a grin as he swung an arm around enthusiastically.

“DAN! You don’t need to kill him! I walk on the street all the time!” Pinkie declared.

“No, you dunce!” Dan growled out at Pinkie as he continued shoving glass into Terrifi-Guy’s mouth. “A street walker is another name for prostitute!”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed in a shrill tone. Pinkie was gone and back in a pink flash. She handed another bottle of hot sauce to Dan who proceeded to smash it on Terrifi-Guy’s face and continue his forceful shoving of sharp shards of glass into the superhero’s throat.

“GAHAGHK!” Terrifi-Guy regained his senses long enough to shove the short, raging man off of him and begun sputtering out hot sauce and broken glass.

“Well played, Dr…cough…hack…Jerk…I see now that I have underestimated you.” Terrifi-Guy rose to his feet. “Very well, welcome to the big leagues! Once I regain my strength, I will RAIN laser beams and a HAILSTORM of righteous…HEY! Get back here and listen to my dramatic monologue!”

Pinkie and Dan stood thoughtfully in front of the egg cartons, several yards away from Terrifi-Guy. “So how many of these do we need?”

“Hmmm…well, it’s four yolks for the recipe…and we’re filling a small pool, so...”

“HEY! I wasn’t done talking to you two!” Terrifi-Guy shouted from across the grocery store.

“Yes, but we were done listening to you.” Dan replied.

“Oh, that is IT!” Terrifi-Guy roared. “I will not rest, I will not stop, I will do everything in my power to…”

“Oooo! A couple of these ginormous cartons of eggs oughta do it!” Pinkie said excitedly.

“HEY! Still TALKING here!” Terrifi-Guy said.

“Why are you even still here?! We’ve already embarrassed you twice today! Do you really want us to make a habit of it?!” Dan replied.

“It really was pretty sad…” Pinkie added.

“I’M COMING FOR YOU DR. JERK! YOU BETTER BRING OUT YOUR ‘A’ GAME, BECAUSE NEXT TIME WE MEET I’M GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF!”

Dan sighed. “Great! Now I have to set my rooftop lair back up on top of everything else today!”

Pinkie grinned and looped an arm around one of Dan’s. “Have to or get to?”

“Well…yeah…It is a lot of fun…” Dan admitted.

The two continued their journey down the grocery store.

“Hey, Dan.”

“Yeah, goofball?”

Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan’s neck and leaned down to give him a deep, passionate kiss. “Thanks for defending my honor back there.”

Dan smiled at Pinkie. “It’s what I’m here for…”

Terrifi-Guy sighed as he watched the happy couple push their cart away and continued to wipe away hot sauce from his face. He turned to the old man.

“You care that I’m a superhero, right?”

The blue vested employee waved a dismissive hand. “Feh.” He said as he walked away.

Terrifi-Guy turned his angry gaze back towards Dan and Pinkie. “I will destroy you two…” He growled out, “even if it’s the last thing I do…”

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 55: Dr. Jerk & Party Hard Vs. Terrifi-Guy

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 55: Dr. Jerk & Party Hard Vs. Terrifi-Guy

*****

“Ah, come on!” Dan wined. “I need this ASAP!  We’re paying you good money to get this done!”

A man with a brown beard, in a blue jumpsuit and a red baseball cap sighed. “I can appreciate you’re in major trouble here…”

“Who’s in trouble?” Dan replied. “I just want to beat up a superhero with a giant robot!”

Mechanic Mike sighed. “Now calm down, Dan...”

“YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS DR. JERK WHILE I’M IN COSTUME!” Dan demanded, having donned a black eye mask, utility belt, boots, blue cape, blue gloves, and kneepads over his usual getup.

“Alright, Dr. Jerk. But to even modify one of my existing machines is going to take time, and I’m just one man! Especially if you need me to add…” Mike paused as he pulled up a clipboard, “…Pressurized pistons, missiles, and Gatling-guns.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Mike. “You left out all the lasers.”

“Dan…”

“DR. JERK!”

“Dr. Jerk, I don’t have access to lasers.”

“WHAT KIND OF CAR MECHANIC, WHO BUILDS GIANT ROBOT CARS TO FIGHT IN ARENAS AGAINST OTHER GIANT ROBOT CARS, ARE YOU?!” Dan roared.

“One who hasn’t had to add Gatling guns or lasers to his machines because they’re against regulations.” Mike replied.

Dan sighed heavily.

“Why didn’t you come to me immediately, anyhow?” Mike enquired.

Dan motioned out to Pinkie who was wearing her black and pink ‘PARTY HARD’ outfit in addition to a black eye mask. “We had plans yesterday that mostly involved making lactose-free pudding, wrestling in lactose-free pudding, and watching anime!” He explained. He turned to Pinkie. “Back me up here, Party Hard.”

Pinkie held up a hand as she continued to talk on her phone. “Oh, it’s super nerdy.” She said into the phone with a grin. “We watched some Big O last night and he wants it based off the robot in that! Mostly, I just thinks he wants the nifty read out you get when the robot starts up”

“ARE YOU TELLING ELISE?! HOW DARE YOU SHARE OUR DIABOLICAL PLAN WITH OUTSIDERS!?”

Pinkie turned to Dan as she put her hand over her smartphone’s microphone. “Just a second, Dr. Jerk, she’s laughing...”

“THIS IS A SERIOUS BREACH OF YOUR POSITION AS FEMME FATALE SIDEKICK.”

Pinkie placed a slim index finger with black nail polish up to Dan’s mouth and continued talking into the phone. “Well, of course you get to test drive it, silly!”

“What!? NO! I don’t even want her touching…”

Pinkie pulled the phone down and covered the microphone again. “Good news, Dr. Jerk! Dancing Shadow thinks she can provided the weapons, even some of the lasers, and get it done in a jiffy!”

“…the thromibulator.” Dan amended quickly. “She needs to leave that someone who knows that’s apparently a real thing that exists, like Mechanic Mike.”

“Alright, Dancing Shadow! Bye-bye!” Pinkie terminated the call and looked at Dan. “You know, Mechanic Mike really needs his own supervillain name. It seems like everyone else has one or something that’ll do in a pinch.”

“Oh!” Dan stated. “How about…The Mechanic!”

“I like it!” Pinkie declared.

“Uh…that’s kinda on the nose, don’t you think?” Mike replied.

“Okay then…Greasy Mike!” Dan suggested.

“I like it!” Pinkie declared.

“Hmmm…well…it would match my workshop, but I want to hide my identity, don’t I?”

“He makes a good point...” Pinkie replied, motioning out to Mike.

“Oh! I got it!” Mike said enthusiastically. He motioned out in front of him as if what he was saying was on a large billboard in front of everyone. “The Lubricator!”

Dan and Pinkie winced.

“I hate it!” Pinkie declared.

“Mechanic Mike, that CAN’T be your supervillain name. That is the worse supervillain name anyone has ever suggested ever.” Dan replied.

Mike looked towards Pinkie who nodded in agreement with Dan. “It’s pretty bad.”

“Hey! I got it! The Rack!” Dan suggested.

Pinkie gasped. “I love it!”

Mike stroked his beard thoughtfully for a second. “Good thinking, thematic and sinister sounding.” He responded enthusiastically.

“Good, now that you have a supervillain name that’s not objectively horrible in every way imaginable, Party Hard and I have to go on our horrible crime spree of carnage!”

Pinkie stared at her phone with a little bit of concern.  “Can we commit our horrible crime spree of carnage on the way to work? We’re running late.”

Dan pulled out his own phone and looked at it. “Oh, shoot! Is it that time already?” Dan started walking away. “Come along, Party Hard. We shall…go over the speed limit and drive through yellow lights. MuHahahahahaha!”

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed bounding on after Dan.

***

Pinkie and Dan rushed up to the bakery. The ‘Grand Opening’ and ‘Now Hiring’ signs having been replaced with signs such as, ‘If you get hit with a cupcake, we will give you half dozen, free!’, and ‘Find a piece of clothing in your food and we’ll give you a dozen free muffins or cupcakes of your choice!’

“Sweet!” Dan declared as he walked into the bakery. “We made it on time!”

“And you annoyed people on the road with all your honking!” Pinkie added cheerfully.

“I know!” Dan replied. “I was born to be a supervillain.”

“Hey Dan, Hey Pinkie.” Wally said, as the two made their way through the crowded bakery dining area.

“Dan and Pinkie are no more!” Dr. Jerk announced dramatically. “At least…not until we change…” Dan added.

“Oh…uh, is there a convention in town, or something?” Wally asked, looking over the masks and costumes Dan and Pinkie where wearing.

“We’re warring with a superhero!” Pinkie informed, cheerful as ever.

“Oh my.” Wally replied. “Sounds dangerous.”

“Naw.” Dan said, waving a gloved hand about dismissively. “We know his weakness, he’s a pretty big pushover.”

Pinkie nodded. “We already took him out twice yesterday!”

“Enough backstory!” Dan declared. “PEOPLE OF WALLY’S  EMPORIUM OF CUPCAKE AND MUFFINS! I, DR. JERK, am taking OVER this small, but successfully, bakery!” Dan announced. “…until my shift is over.” He added. “While I’m here I will berate the employees and scream at customers!”

“So uhhh…business as usual, brah?” Crunchy asked from the register.

“YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS DR. JERK, MINION!”

“Uh, sure Dr. Jerk, sir. Also, we’re running low on Rainbow cupcakes.”

“Come along, Party Hard! We must return to the kitchen of wickedness to create evil baked goods!”

Pinkie grinned. “Oooo! Oooo! We can put frowny faces on them and stuff with frosting!”

“Good thinking! We shall torment the unsuspecting populace with our glowers and grimaces delivered by cupcakes!” Dan announced

“Hey Dan, Hey Pink…” Chris sighed heavily as his two friends entered the kitchen. “Why are you two dressed like that?”

“Terrifi-Guy is out for blood!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

“WHAT?! You’re fighting Terrifi-Guy again?! Dan! He wanted to throw us into the Null Dimension last time we got involved with him!”

“It’s okay Chris.” Pinkie assured. “Now I’m pretty sure he just wants to kill us!” Pinkie paused as she considered this. “…Or would that be worse?..” She said, glancing at the ceiling.

“Not to worry, Chris-boy!” Dan added. “For he is hecka lame!”

Pinkie nodded. “He’s 0 for 2 at this point...”

“Wait, seriously?” Chris asked.

“A little hot sauce goes a looong way.” Dan added.

“Well, I guess so long as he doesn’t…”

“DR. JERK! I HAVE COME TO SETTLE THE SCORE WITH YOU!” A booming voice called from the Bakery Dining area.

Chris sighed “…hunt you down and start a fight in a public.” He finished.

Dan and Pinkie quickly exited the kitchen.

“Uh, dude? You have to wait in line.” Crunchy explained to the tall superhero in front of him.

“Step aside, hippy! This is official superhero business!”

“Sir, the people behind you have been waiting a long time. Can your business wait?” Crunchy asked, as Dan and Pinkie emerged behind him.

“Yeah!” An angry voice called from behind Terrifi-Guy.

“I FOUND A SOCK! I DEMAND FREE MUFFINS!” Another called out.

“Get out of the way, you tight wearing lunatic!” Another added.

Terrifi-Guy turned. “Citizens! I have come to free you from the tyranny of Dr. Jerk! Don’t any of you care?!”

The crowd went silent.

“…”

‘Cough, Cough’

“No?” Someone offered.

Terrifi-Guy glowered angrily at the people in line.

“Oh! You used the door this time!” Pinkie stated joyfully. “That deserves a star!”

Pinkie pulled out a sheet of golden star stickers, and placed one on Terrifi-Guys chest.

“PARTY HARD! DON’T SHARE YOUR PRECIOUS STARS WITH THE SUPERHERO WE’RE WARRING WITH!” Dan shouted.

“But, I’m rewarding good behavior!” Pinkie whined in reply.

“Supervillians don’t reward good behavior!” Dan insisted. “Instead you should have kicked him in the shins for even bothering us with his presence!”

“But…there’s a counter in the way!” Pinkie protested.

“LISTEN, Party Hard Girl…” Terrifi-Guy began.

Pinkie frowned at Terrifi-Guy. “No! It’s just ‘Party Hard’! I mean…it’s pretty obvious I’m a girl!”

Crunchy nodded. “She’s got you there, brah.”

“It’s super obvious!” Someone in the crowd added.

“What, are you stupid or something?!” Someone else added.

“LOOK! I’m a superhero and I demand respect!” Terrifi-Guy shouted at the crowd.

“No one cares, man!” Someone replied. “No one!” They added.

“Hey, Loser-Dude.” Dan called out. “Can this wait? I’m supposed to be making evil cupcakes and would rather deal with you tomorrow.”

“IT’S TERRIFI-GUY!” The superhero shot back, wheeling to face Dan. “And Justice doesn’t take rainchecks!”

“AHHH! WATCH OUT!” D.H. shouted, as she clumsily tripped over her own feet.

Pinkie quickly opened an umbrella in front of Dan, Crunchy, and her, as a cascade of bright red cupcakes flew into it and Terrifi-Guy.

“AH! HOT!” Terrifi-Guy exclaimed as he collapsed on the floor.

Dan peaked out from behind the umbrella. “No, apparently ‘Justice’ just writhes in agony on the ground, trying to remove spicy cupcakes from his personage.”

“WHY WOULD YOU EVEN MAKE THESE?!” Terrifi-Guy exclaimed from the ground.

“What!” Pinkie protested, picking off a smashed cupcake from her umbrella and shoving the entire thing into her mouth. “Therwe Gwood!” She insisted through a mouthful of cupcake.

“Oh no!” D.H. exclaimed. “I hit you with like…three cupcakes! That’s…18 free spicy cupcakes!”

“Oh, that’s okay, D.H.” Pinkie said. “You don’t have to…”

Dan put his hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Wait…I want to see where this goes.”

Terrifi-Guy grabbed the counter and pulled himself to his feet, as D.H. returned with two large bakery boxes.

“AHHHH!” D.H. tripped again, sending the boxes and their contents directly into Terrifi-Guy.

“WHY?!”

“Oh no! I did it again…Let’s see…6 times 18…Shoot! I don’t think we have that many spicy cupcakes…OH! Wait here.” She requested.

Terrifi-Guy moaned in reply.

Dan and Pinkie watched with bemusement as D.H. ran off, and returned with a bottle of hot sauce.

“Here you go, Mr. Shouty! I brought you a bottle of hot sauce you canWHOOPS!” D.H. exclaimed as the bottle slipped out of her hand and landed on Terrifi-Guy, shattering on impact.

“AHHHHHHHHH! YOU’D THINK I WOULD HAVE SAW THAT COMING, BUT I DIDN’T AND IT BUUUURRRRRNS!”

 “Nice work, girl-whose-name-I-don’t-know!” Dan said. “I think you just earned yourself a supervillain name!”

“Oooo! Oooo! How aboooout… Dark Horse!” Pinkie suggested.

“Hey! Good thinking, Party Hard!” Dan responded.

D.H. beamed. “I was helpful!” She exclaimed

“Hey, dudes, can I have a supervillain name, too?” Crunchy asked.

Dan glowered angrily at the hippy. “You didn’t DO anything!”

“Oh, right…observe…” Crunchy produced a bottle of hot sauce and briefly motioned to it with his free hand before dropping it over the counter and onto Terrifi-Guy.

‘Shatter’

“WHY DOES EVERYONE CARRY BOTTLES OF HOT SAUCE AROUND WITH THEM!?”

Dan grinned evilly. “Alright, dirty hippy, you’ve earned yourself a supervillain name…Oh! How about… ‘The Eco-Terrorist’.”

Crunchy paused. “Duuuuuuuuuuuude! That is a BOSS supervillain name!”

Pinkie nodded up and down vigorously. “It is pretty cool!” She added.

“WHY HASN’T ANYONE HELPED ME YET?!”

Dan glanced over the counter. “Are you still here?! Look, we have a business to run…and torment…mostly torment, and you’re holding up the line!” Dan turned to Pinkie. “Party Hard? The door if, you please. Dark Horse…”

D.H. clapped her hands excitedly. “Yay, acknowledgement!”

“…The Eco-Terrorist. Help me drag this loiterer out into the street.”

“Aye, Aye, Captain Dr. Jerk, Sir!” Crunchy responded with a salute.

“Wheeeee!” Pinkie enthusiastically bounded towards the bakery entrance as Dan, Crunchy, and D.H. dragged the hapless bulk of the cupcake covered, hot sauce soaked superhero behind them.

Pinkie grinned wide as she held open the door for the trio who picked up and heaved the superhero into the parking lot.

‘THUMP’

Terrifi-Guy mumbled incoherently to himself as he wiped glass shards and hot sauce from his face. “I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS, DR. JERK!” Terrifi-Guy began to shout. “IF IT’S THE LAST…” His eyes went wide as he heard a familiar sound.

He turned to see Dan grinning wildly as he rapidly pumped the handle to a super soaker.

Dan leveled the hot sauce loaded weapon at Terrifi-Guy. “I see you’re a bit hot and bothered by all this. This should cool you off…”  Dan pulled the trigger, releasing a steady stream of hot sauce into the large superhero. “…Or not, since the gun is full of hot sauce…”

“WHY IS MY WEAKNESS SO EASILY EXPLOITABLE!?” Terrifi-Guy bemoaned loudly as he received another dose of hot sauce.

Pinkie giggled. “That was some quality supervillain dialogue, Dr. Jerk.” She commented.

Dan reached for her hand as the two turned back into the bakery. “I know, right! We’re so good at this!” He turned towards the crowd in the bakery. “PATRONS OF THE BAKERY!” He announced dramatically. “YOUR HERO HAS BEEN VANQUISHED! NOW YOU WILL ALL SUFFER THE WRATH OF DR. JERK AND PARTY HARD! MuHahahahahaha!”

“…”

“Hey everyone, Dr. Jerk defeated that loudmouth guy in tights who was holding up the line!” Someone exclaimed.

“Let’s all praise Dr. Jerk and NOT that goofy looking superhero.” Someone added.

Terrifi-Guy looked up with a pout. “Goofy looking..?” He murmured as the bakery erupted in cheers.

Terrifi-Guy continued wiping hot sauce from off of himself. “Maybe…maybe it’s time to consider a new approach…” He muttered thoughtfully.

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 56: Terrifi-Guy Vs. Identity

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 56: Terrifi-Guy Vs. Identity

*****

Terrifi-Guy rested his chin on his fists as he sat, slouched over on the curb in front of ‘Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins’.

He looked thoughtfully into open space, quietly lost in his own thoughts.

“Muffin?” A voice called from behind him.

Terrifi-Guy looked up and glared at the owner of the voice. “Steel Scorpion? Have you come to finish the job of your master?”

Chris chuckled. “Heh, I’m amazed you remembered me.” He said as he sat down on the curb next to Terrifi-Guy, holding out the muffin.

“Of course I remember you. Dr. Jerk and you where my greatest defeat.” Terrifi-Guy replied. He eyed the muffin suspiciously. “I assume there’s hot sauce hidden inside that?”

Chris shook his head. “Just trying to make peace and offer you some advice.”

“Oh?”

“You see, the thing with Dan…”

“Dr. Jerk.” Terrifi-Guy corrected.

“Uh, sure…the thing is, Dr. Jerk often finds himself at odds with all kinds of people and things, countries, restaurants, esoteric concepts…you name it. Somehow, despite all odds, he often ends up ahead after all of it…”

“Go on…”

“…and now that he’s partnered with…uh Party Hard, it really seems like there’s no obstacle they can’t overcome together. I’ve learned when it comes to those two there’s really only two options; you can either join them or get out of their way.”

 “So, you’re saying I should just give up?”

“Look…since you’ve got your powers back all you’ve done is break roofs and irritate people, all because you’re after Dr. Jerk and Party Hard. If you just went back to saving people and fighting crime, you’d probably be loved again.”

Terrifi-Guy pondered this.

“…”

“No.” He stated.

Chris blinked a few times. “No?”

Terrifi-Guy turned to Chris. “No. I shouldn’t have to do anything to be loved! I’m bullet proof, I can fly, I’m super strong! I am a god among ants, and people should be in awe of my very presence!”

“Uh, look…you may want to cut down on the comparing people to insects, I don’t think it’s helping…and with all this power, you really should get back to actual superhero stuff, I mean, with great power comes…”

“SPARE ME YOUR CLICHÉS! I see your game! Dr. Jerk sent you out here because he’s afraid of me and what I can do.”

Chris knitted his brow. “Uh…No…I don’t think he’s afraid of you at all.”

“…Wait, really?” Terrifi-Guy asked in surprise. “I mean… I can lift heavy objects into space…”

“Yeah…uh sorry, but not going to sugar-coat this; you got taken out by a girl that we’re simply amazed shows up to work dressed properly…and even then, we’re still not convinced she does it herself…”

Terrifi-Guy sighed and hung his head. “Maybe I’m no longer cut out for superhero work...”

Chris put a sympathetic hand on the Superhero’s shoulder. “Hey, you were a great superhero! You just need to let this whole vengeance thing go and get back in the game!” He insisted.

“…and then Dr. Jerk will be frightened of me?”

“Well…I’ve seen him charge people and things that we’re several times larger and better armed than him, I’m not really sure he’s frightened of anything…”

Terrifi-Guy’s eyes narrowed as his expression turned to dark determination. “Maybe it’s time someone taught him the meaning of dread.” He stated.

“Huh? Now hold on a second, you’re starting to sound…uh…kinda evil. I really think you need to step away from this before it gets out of hand…”

 “No! I know exactly what I have to do! Ever since I’ve gotten my powers back, it’s been nothing but people ignoring me and even cheering for my defeat! If the world isn’t going to love me, I’ll teach it to fear me, instead!” Terrifi-Guy snatched the muffin out of Chris’s hand and quickly smashed it against Chris’s shirt.

“Hey! Superhero’s don’t waste food!” Chris protested.

“That’s because I’m NOT a superhero!” Terrifi-Guy turned his back to the bakery, the occupants that had shunned him, and Chris; lifting off into the sky and laughing maniacally as he flew away.  “Muahahahahaha!”

“Hey! I wasted part of my break coming out here to talk to you!” Chris exclaimed. He looked down at the squashed mess that was once a muffin that now occupied his shirt.

“…Jerk!” He muttered to himself.

***

“So…” Twilight began, having run out of sensible questions to ask such as ‘How was work’ and…

…actually she had only found one sensible question, and even that had netted her some weird answers. “Is uh…is that why you two are dressed like that?”

“Well, D’uh!” Pinkie replied. “You can’t go to war with a superhero without costumes!”

Twilight rolled her eyes and smiled from the other side of the mirror. “Of course, I don’t know what I was thinking!”

“Clearly, you weren’t!” Dan stated, sitting next to Pinkie on the edge of the bed.

Twilight ignored Dan’s comment, something she was getting more and more adept at. “For a second there, I thought this was some new er…bedroom game you two had discovered…”

Dan and Pinkie paused.

“IT CAN BE MORE THAN ONE THING!” Dan shouted angrily.

There was a heavy sigh from the Equestria side of the mirror as Rarity trotted into view. “You just had, to say something didn’t you…”

“Uh…er…sorry…” Twilight offered sheepishly.

“Hiya, Rarity!” Pinkie exclaimed happily.

“Hello, Pin…uh… ‘Party Hard’, was it?” Rarity responded, given her friend a small smile and nod.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down rapidly. “Yepper!” She grinned mischievously. “I’m now a twisted, evil femme fatale sidekick working for the malicious Dr. Jerk!”

“I’m surprised you’ve even had to change your behavior.” Twilight commented. “From the sounds of things, you two cause plenty of trouble in your day to day lives.”

Dan and Pinkie exchanged a quick glance.

“She has a point…” Dan said.

“Oooo! Oooo! Maybe tonight we can get the gang together and free some more animals from pet shops!” Pinkie suggested.

“Well…The Eco-Terrorist would be happy…” Dan replied.

“Twilight, sweetie?” Rarity chimed in. “Maybe this would be a good opportunity to stop talking for a while…”

“I said I was sorry!” Twilight insisted, her ears dropping as she caught her unicorn friend’s unusually amount of hostility.

“Uh…apologies darling, you’re right. You didn’t mean any harm, and I have been unfairly short with you, lately.” Rarity offered.

“Did you two have a fight?” Dan asked. “With magic!?” He added with a hopeful smile. “Did you level any buildings or kill anyone with your awesome, magic battle?!” Dan added the sounds of explosions and small screams of ponies being caught in unexpected magic rays to help give everyone present an idea of what an awesome, magic battle with lots of collateral damage might sound like.

“Uh…not really, no, no, and no, respectively.” Twilight responded. “I just sort of forgot to…erm…” Twilight trailed off.

“Forgot to what, Twilight?” Pinkie asked. She suddenly inhaled a large volume of air as her eyes widened. “Did you forget her half-birthday?!”

“Uh, no.” Twilight replied. “…that wasn’t it…”

“Oh Twilight, better we tell them than Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight winced. “You’ve got a point. Rainbow won’t exactly be delicate.”

Pinkie’s look turned concerned, obvious even under the mask she was wearing. “Tell us what?”

“Do you remember the night Twilight left the mirror with me?” Rarity asked.

Pinkie chuckled. “Hehe, Vividly.” She replied, reaching a hand over to Dan’s and resting it on top of his.

Rarity nodded. “Yes, I’m sure… well… Twilight left without showing me how to adjust the mirror, or mute it…and your closet door and blanket you leave on it don’t mute sounds well…so…”

Dan’s and Pinkie’s face flushed red as they glanced at each other.

“Pffft…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The two quickly fell back onto the bed as they lost control of their laughter.

Twilight chuckled. “Well…they took it pretty well.”

Rarity gave a small smile and rolled her eyes. “Figures. I really don’t know what else I was expecting…”

“Hahahahehehe, sorry….hehe…Rarity.” Pinkie offered, as she sat back up. She smiled. “Though, I’m guessing it wasn’t a totally bad experience for you.”

Rarity’s face flushed. “Wha…wha…what?! Whatever could you be implying?!”

Pinkie grinned. “Oh…you know…I kinda got the impression it was in your best interest, financially, that I followed your advice…”

“WHAT?!” Dan exclaimed. “Prissy profited off our love life?!”

Pinkie turned to Dan. “Well, I wouldn’t be too mad, she was the one that suggested I dress up.”

“Uh…oh…” Dan replied simply, finding being angry about the situation substantially more difficult.

“Oh…that…” Rarity tittered nervously as Twilight fixed her with a smirk. “Erm…however did you know…”

Pinkie giggled. “I may have caught an expression here or there while I was talking to you…”

Rarity and Twilight put on mildly surprised expressions.

“Wow, Pinkie… I’m a bit surprised you’d even notice something as subtle like that.” Twilight replied.

“I uh…I’ve kinda learned to pay more attention to people…and ponies too, I guess…when I’m talking to them.” Pinkie rubbed the back of her head. “It helps me figure out when someone thinks I’m a complete weirdo…” She said meekly.

The rooms in both dimensions went uncomfortable silent.

“Hey, you’re my weirdo.” Dan offered with a smile, placing an arm around his girlfriend’s shoulders.

“Awww, thanks Dr. Jerk!” Pinkie replied given her boyfriend a loving kiss on the lips.

Rarity cleared her throat. “Don’t forget we also love that about you.”

Twilight smiled and nodded in agreement.

Pinkie looked back at the mirror. “Thanks guys, you’re all the best.” She smiled wide and began to approach the mirror, dragging Dan along with her. “Interdimensional group hug!” She announced.

“WHAT?! No that’s redicu…” Dan sighed as he quickly found he was being forced to wrap arms around a mirror.

Twilight and Rarity giggled as they threw forearms around each other and also hugged the mirror on their end.

“I hope you’re all aware of how incredibly stupid this is.” Dan stated grumpily.

Twilight smiled as she nodded. “We know…”

“Can we go now? We have villainy to plot!” Dan stated.

Pinkie tittered quietly to herself as she released her hold on Dan and the mirror. “Heheh…plot…”

Dan sighed. “Please everyone do me a favor and never explain what that means to me, I don’t want to know.”

“Deal.” Twilight replied.

Twilight and Rarity also stepped back from the mirror a bit.

“We won’t keep you.” Twilight said. “Just uh…Don’t die, alright?”

Rarity raised an eyelash. “Don’t you mean, ‘stay safe’?” She asked.

Twilight turned to her unicorn friend. “I figured that was a bit…unrealistic.” She explained with a nervous smile.

“Ah…I see your point.”

Pinkie waved her hand back and forth rapidly. “Don’t worry! Dan and I have already taken this guy out three times! We’ll be fine!” She insisted.

“Well…I don’t really understand it…” Rarity replied. “But have fun you two!”

Pinkie grinned. “We always do!”

“Hey…uh…Dr. Jerk?” Twilight called out.

Dan looked at the mirror with an irritated expression. “What is it, Sparkler?”

Twilight smiled warmly at the man decked out in supervillain gear. “Thanks for taking care of Pinkie.”

Dan’s expression changed from irritation to surprise.

Rarity nodded in agreement with her purple friend. “You’re really doing a…uh…bang up job!” Rarity offered, swinging a forearm in front of her enthusiastically.

“Uh…right…sure…” Dan answered. “It’s what I’m here for…” He replied, not exactly sure what to say.

The two ponies on the other side of the mirror waved with their forehooves as Twilight’s horn glowed purple.

The mirror flickered briefly and returned to focus, the word ‘MUTE’ was now displayed in the center in a large, purple font.

*The next Day*

“I’m sorry, Dan!” Elise shouted cheerfully into the phone over the roaring sound of gunfire. “I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome Gatling guns are!” Elise sat in the car interior turned cockpit of a two story tall, black robot; its large, bulky arms were pointed straight ahead as bullets streamed from an opening at the end. Large silver pistons sat attached to past the elbows behind massive, black metal like shield attached to the arms. Under the cockpit was a silver grate that covered the torso, completing a look that made the robot appear like it was created from an old steam locomotive as opposed to a car.

“STOP PLAYING WITH MY ROBOT AND BRING IT HERE IMMEDIATELY!” Dan shouted into his phone.

“Your robot?” Elise answered smugly. “It’s not like it was your money that paid for it! And Pinkie said I could test it.”

“PARTY HARD!” Dan corrected forcefully.

“Uh…I thought I was?” Elise replied, as she released a trigger on the two joysticks in front of her.

“NO! Her supervillain name is ‘Party Hard’!” Dan responded.

“Oh…right. Look, I just need to add the big laser, and fine tune the rocket propulsion system.”

“I DON’T CA…wait? Rocket propulsion system!? It flies?!”

“Terrifi-Guy flies! What were you going to do if he just flew around shooting lasers at you?!”

“Well…I’D have lasers…” Dan replied sullenly.

“Yeah, but he’d have the entire sky to fly around in, while you’d just sit there and get pummeled.”

Dan paused. “…Dancing Shadow, I’m willing to overlook this transgression on the grounds that flying robots are awesome.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Yeah, great…” She said sarcastically. “Look, I didn’t have to pull an all-nighter to get this thing ready…”

“Oh, please.” Dan responded. “As if you’re not doing this just so you get to play with a giant robot.”

Elise paused. “…Alright, you got me. Fine, I’ll finish with the rockets, the laser, and the other components and bring it over.”

“Great, I…wait…other components?! You’ve already got most the weapons working, as evidence of all the messaged from The Rack that you’ve done an excellent job trashing his secret, underground workshop…” Dan paused and pondered this, tapping a gloved hand against his chin. “Hmmmm…Note to self: get secret, underground workshop.”

“You really should, they’re quite handy.” Elise quipped.

“DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! What else does the robot need!?”

“Well, I still need to add the cappuccino machine.” Elise answered.

Dan paused. “NO! I HATE COFFEE!”

“…Muffin Button?”

“I CAN GET ALL THE DISGUSTING MUFFINS I’D EVER LOATH AT WORK!” Dan roared.

“…Stereo speakers..?” Elise asked, grinning hopefully.

“…Okay fine.” Dan replied. “But, you better bring it over as soon as you’re done.”

“Heh. Fine, Dr. Jerk. Dancing Shadow out.” Elise terminated the call.

Dan gave an irritated grumble as he reattached his cell phone to his utility belt.

“Dancing Shadow is still playing with the robot, huh?” Pinkie asked as descended a rope ladder that led up and out of the open bedroom window.

Dan put on a sullen look and glanced away. “Maybe…”

“I think I know something that will cheer you uuup~!” Pinkie sang out.

“…Death Ray?” Dan guessed.

“Well…I don’t know how to make a death ray, but I can make something pretty cool!” Pinkie responded, motioning for Dan to follow her up the ladder.

Dan pursued Pinkie up the ladder to the couple’s rooftop headquarters; which was mostly some furniture and random items from the apartment the two had dragged up to the roof.

Pinkie enthusiastically motioned out to an item that resembled a small, wooden helicopter she had painted with black and pink stripes along with her cutie mark on the side and the words ‘Party Hard’  on either side. “Neat, huh? It’s pedal powered!” Pinkie explained.

Dan looked at the gyrocopter, then back to Pinkie. “Wait…it’ pedal powered?! Okay, I’m not usually one for things that don’t require potentially dangerous fuel sources, but the fact that this probably violates the laws of physics is pretty awesome.”

Pinkie beamed in reply. “Wanna give it a try? Maybe we can fly it to Greasy Mike’s and you can pick up your robot!”

“Awww…” Dan gave Pinkie a toothy grin and reached up to pinch her cheek. “You’re the best girlfriend ever.”

Pinkie giggled. “I really am…”

Pinkie lifted the dome canopy, revealing a cockpit with two seats, on behind the other. Pinkie sat in the front, putting her feet and hands on a set of pedals and Dan sat in the back staring at a joystick with a trigger and a button on it. “Don’t tell me this thing has weapons…”

Pinkie shrugged as she lowered the canopy back down. “Okay!”

“…Uh…no, I meant… does this thing have weapons?” Dan corrected.

“Ooooh!” Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Yes.” She began pedaling, rapidly with her hands a feet, the wooden propeller began to spin rapidly and soon the device was airborne.

“… WELL?!” Dan exclaimed impatiently.

“Uh…well, what?” Pinkie asked, glancing behind her.

“WHAT WEAPONS DOES IT HAVE?!” Dan roared. “Geez! It’s like trying to communicate with a Cocker Spaniel sometimes with you.”

“Ooooooooh!” Pinkie responded as she shifted the pedals in her hand turning the gyrocopter. “I loaded the tee-shirt cannon with jars of hot sauce and rigged up a compressed air hot sauce cannon.”

“Huh…those should come in handy…How’d you build this thing anyways?”

Pinkie grinned mischievously. “Of you know… a couple of bicycles, a couple of ceiling fans stolen from a Lenny’s…some wood stolen from the walls of the same Lenny’s…a few vital support beams stolen from the same Lenny’s…also, we need a new Lenny’s to terrorize.” She added as her smile dropped slightly. “Our old one is all collapsy, now…”

Dan chuckled. “Shouldn’t be a problem, there are Lenny’s all over…HEY!”

Dan grabbed tightly to his seat as Pinkie and the device began to shake. “Ooops, sorry…Pinkie sense…huh…I wonder what’s going to fall…” Pinkie mused, looking towards the sky.

Dan frowned. “Eye’s up ahead, goofball. We got company.”

Pinkie looked forward to see a flying man in black tights and a black cape heading straight towards them. “Uh…is that Terrifi-Guy?”

“Do you know any other flying guys that would want to visit?”

“Uhh…Does The Eco-Terrorist fly?”

“Well…probably not the sort of flying you’re thinking off…” Dan refocused his attention to outside. “Huh, I guess I should do something about him.”

Dan took a couple, quick test shots with the joystick and hot sauce rifle, spraying a couple small streams of red liquid into the air. He took aim and unleashed a torrent of hot sauce directly into his target.

“Bull’s-eye!” Dan exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Ooooo! Nice hot sauce shooting!” Pinkie stated. “I’m kinda surprised you can hit so will with that but you can’t hit me with a snowball from a few yards away.”

“A childhood spent playing video games can probably explain both…Uh…he’s not stopping…”

“Oooo! Oooo! Try the hot sauce jar cannon!” Pinkie suggested.

Dan lined up his shot. “Say hello to my little friend.” He said, firing off a jar that successfully found its target.

“You have a tiny friend!?” Pinkie exclaimed. “Can I meet them?! Are they shy?”

Dan sighed. “Remind me you show you Scarface when we get home.”

Pinkie pouted. “I can meet him…or her now!” Pinkie protested.

“Now, you mor…” Dan looked outside and realized the hot sauce onslaught had done little to deter their attacker. “Hey, Pinkie…uh…how superhero proof is this thing?”

“Well…it’s mostly made out of wood, so…”

‘CRUNCH’

The two looked up to see the gyrocopter they were in no longer had a propeller.

Pinkie quickly pushed a large, red button that read ‘EMERGENCY CRASH PARTY’, the cockpit immediately filled to capacity with tons of bright, colorful balloons.

‘CRASH!’

“…uh…some…somewhere between ‘not very’ and ‘not at all’.” Pinkie finished dizzily.

Dan growled angrily and attempted to push the many balloons away from him.  “Yeah, I noticed.”

“Oooo! I just figured out what was supposed to fall from the sky!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Us!”

“Party Hard? Could you maybe stop talking for a bit while I assess how much trouble we’re in.” Dan asked.

“Right!” Pinkie replied enthusiastically. “Shutting up!”

With another loud crunch, the gyrocopter canopy was ripped off and flung into the street.

Dan quickly pulled out his phone and pressed a few buttons. “Hey, Dancing Shadow. Can you hurry it up with that robot? We’re somewhere in between Greasy Mike’s and our apartment, just look for the smashed gyrocopter in the street.” Dan paused. “Also, if we die, I just want you to know that it is absolutely your fault.” Dan terminated the call as he looked up at the muscular man in front of him.

The build of the man made it pretty apparent who it was, however the man’s face was completely covered by a grim looking helmet with a large, red colored lenses over the eyes. The tights had been replaced by some sort of flexible, but thick looking material. The cape, gloves, and boots remained, but they were now blood red in color. The large gold ‘T’ on the chest had likewise been replaced by a red one, and the gold ‘G’ on the belt with a red ‘M’.

“Hello, Dr. Jerk, Party Hard.” A deep, sinister voice called out, echoing slightly inside the helmet. “Let’s finish this.”

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 57: Dr. Jerk & Party Hard Vs. Terri-Man

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 57: Dr. Jerk & Party Hard Vs. Terri-Man

*****

Author’s Notes: More music. Version with lyrics here.

*****

“Awww, but up until things went all crashy, it was a lot of fun!” Pinkie complained in response to the masked man’s desire for a resolution.

The man in black pointed a fist at the crashed gyrocopter. A fist that soon began to brighten and crackle with energy. Dan and Pinkie quickly exited what was left of the vehicle before a laser bolt shot into it, destroying what was left.

“No more Mr. Nice Superhero.” The muscular man announced.

“Excuse you, but when were you ever nice!?” Dan exclaimed.

“He’s got you there.” Pinkie added, motioning out to Dan.

“It’s cute that you two think I care.” The muscular man growled out.

“We’ll show YOU cute!” Pinkie replied, angrily shoving something into the hand of the tall man in front of her.

The man looked down at the item in the hand to see that Pinkie had given him a picture of a fluffy bunny. He scowled at Pinkie and Dan from behind his visor. “I see you two aren’t taking this seriously, yet. You should know that Terrifi-Guy is no more! I am now Terri-Man!” He announced, flexing for dramatic effect.

“Huh…the name is an improvement.” Dan responded.

“Yeah.” Pinkie agreed. “It works on a couple levels.”

Dan scrunched his lips to one side of his face as he looked up and down the costume. “Costume could use some work…I mean…black and red has been done to death…”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “It kinda looks like someone just took a quick glance on the internet to see what everyone else thought was cool and ran with it…”

Dan nodded. “Could have used some evil shade of purple…”

“Oooo! Yeah!” Pinkie replied. She turned to the ex-superhero. “You should redo your lettering in like…Byzantium…or…Eminence.”

Terri-man sighed. “Do you two every stop talking?!”

“Noper!” Pinkie replied, cheerfully singing her head from side to side.

“Wait… Byzantium and Eminence are shades of purple?!” Dan exclaimed.

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie affirmed.

“Geez! I feel excited just hearing the names!” Dan exclaimed.

Pinkie turned back to Terri-Man. “Hey! How about you go and retool your costume and come back? With a few changes, I bet you can really impress us!”

The man in black reached down and grabbed Pinkie by her suspenders, effortlessly lifting her into the air. “Impressed, yet?” He asked in a sinister tone.

“Eeep…” Pinkie uttered in a worried tone.

“LET HER GO!” Dan demanded.

From behind the visor, the ex-superhero smirked. “Gladly.” He flicked out his fingers, the force of which sent Pinkie flying through the air and into a large, pane glass window of a coffee shop that did very little to slow her flight.

Dan cringed as he heard a loud bang and crash as well as the sounds of several startled occupants of the coffee shop.

The man in black laughed maniacally. “HAHAHAHA, Still having fun?!” He called out.

“Oh, that is IT!” Dan announced. “DRAGON STANCE!” He began tensing his arms and legs about in an attempt at martial arts stances. “HAIYA!” Dan let loose a solid punch, his fist made a small cracking noise as it impacted Terri-Man’s chest. “OW!” He exclaimed, giving his hand a shake.

Terri-Man chuckled. “I can’t believe you tried that on me a second time.”

Dan continued to shake his throbbing hand. “A man’s gotta try…” He replied.

Terri-Man knitted his brow as he stared at Dan. “You’re remarkably calm for someone whose girlfriend was just got thrown through a window.”

Dan looked back at the coffee shop, then back to Terri-man and shrugged. “I’ve seen her inflict worse on herself, honestly.”

Terri-Man sighed. “I see I’m going to have to beat some fear into you. Tell you what. I’ll be sporting and only use my pinkie.” Terri-man said, extending a digit out on his right hand.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Did you right that one down?”

“Huh? What are you babbling on about?”

“Oh right, you don’t know her…”

Terri-Man extended fist under Dan’s chin and flicked his pinkie up.

‘CRACK’

Dan’s head snapped back and his vision went white.

He lowered his head felt around his mouth with his tongue, then spit out part of a broken tooth. “…name.” He finished.

Terri-Man grumbled irritably and flicked his pinkie into Dan’s stomach, causing the air in Dan’s lungs to flee his body.

Dan fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around his stomach, gasping for air. He looked up at Terri-Man with something that looked like the love child between a smirk and a sneer. “Is that all you got?”

 Terri-Man glowered at the man in a ‘JERK’ shirt and mask. “I’m going to enjoy this…”

*

“Miss! Are you alright?!” A female employee of the coffee shop inquired.

Pinkie woozily looked up to the coffee store employee hovering over her. “Cough, cough…No…but I’ve inflicted worse on myself…” Pinkie placed a hand down to push herself up, but felt something cool and cylindrical shaped as opposed to the floor. She picked up the item and examined it. Her eyes widened as she examined the bottle of flavored syrup.

Looking around. She saw she was currently resting in a pile of them.

She shot up to her feet and placed a hand on the employee in front of her. “I need you to make me a drink with all of these flavors!”

“Wha…ALL of them!?”

Pinkie grinned wildly and nodded. “Oooo! And add a few dozen shots of espresso!”

“I…ARE YOU INSANE?!” The woman replied.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “I suuure am!”

“Uh…right…just checking…”

-

Dan spit a viscous glob of blood out of his mouth as he pushed himself off the ground with his hands. He looked up at Terri-Man and flashed him a mouth full of red tinted teeth.

“Maybe you should try your ring finger.” Dan suggested. “My grandma could hit harder than that!”

Terri-Man roared angrily and flicked the side of Dan’s head with his pinkie, causing a sickly sounding crack as Dan’s head snapped to the side.

Dan rubbed his neck and rotated his head, grimacing with the pain. “Yeah…definitely not as bad as grandma…” He muttered.

-

“I’m afraid to ask…but do you want whipped cream on this?” The coffee store employee asked.

Pinkie give the employee an enthusiastic head bob. “Of course!”

The employee cringed as she unloaded a dollop of whipped cream into the large, paper coffee cup and handed it to Pinkie.

She stepped back as employees and customers alike watched in awe as Pinkie quickly drank down the viscous, sugary, highly caffeinated beverage.

Pinkie’s eyes began to twitch rapidly and uncontrollably as they widened. Her pupils shrank to pin pricks then suddenly grew, almost consuming her sky-blue irisis in deep, starry blackness.

“C-C-C-ontrol…body…muscle…mind…merely…atoms...air…push…control…” Pinkie muttered.

“Shadow. Wraith. Illusion. Poison. Seduction. DISGUISE. CONTROL…CONTROL! AAAAAAAAAAA!

“Uh…are you alright?” The coffee employee asked tentatively. The employee looked on in shock.

Are her eyes…spinning?!

No…they stopped and but, she’s…ringing, like a slot machine?! Are her eye’s flashing…

--♫

… ‘Party Hard’?!

Pinkie looked at the coffee store employee with a mad grin. “All systems one-hundred percent. Feeling Pinkie keen!”

In a pink flash, she was gone. Leaving the store’s tip jar stuffed to the brim with money.

-

“Well, you’ve got spirit Dr. Jerk. I’ll give you that.” Terri-Man stated as he lifted Dan up by an arm.

Dan hung limply from his appendage, but still managed to glower at Terri-Man. “You mind working my right side a bit? I think you’ve done a great job with the left, but you seem to be missing a sizeable portion of my body.”

Terri-Man grinned evilly from behind his visor and reached out for Dan’s right arm. “No problem. I think I’ll start with breaking this…”

Dan began to open his mouth to speak, but stopped when he saw a flash of pink out of the corner of his eye.

‘POW’

Terri-Man went sailing down the street, flying several dozen yards away before smashing into the front of a car that buckled under the impact.

Dan felt something catch him and looked up into the wild, smiling face of his girlfriend.

Pinkie gently lowered Dan to the ground.

“HeyDan!HowAreYouDoing?!YouLookHurt!That’sOkay!We’llGetYouPatchedUp!HEY!DidYouKnowIHaveLikeABunchMorePinkieSensesICan’tUsuallyFeal!?”

“Uh…”

Pinkie slammed her foot into a manhole cover on the ground, it flew up with the impact, spinning rapidly. “JustASecond,Okay?!I’mGoingToGoBeatThatGuyUpWithThisRoundMetalHoleCoverThingy!”

Pinkie reached out for the manhole cover and tossed it out as if she was throwing a Frisbee.

Terri-Man moaned and placed a gloved hand on the back of his helmet.

What…what hit me?

‘CLANG’

What hit me THAT time?

Terri-Man looked up, the answer to both questions quickly became apparent as he gazed upon the crazed looking woman with pink, curly hair; in a black mask; holding a manhole cover above her head.

Pinkie happily answered Terri-Man’s question over and over again as she repeatedly brought the heavy, metal disc down on his mask.

Terri-Man flung a hand out wildly, missing the girl, but hitting the manhole cover.

“Laser!”

Terri-Man shouted as a bolt of energy flew from his fist with a ‘ZZohwap!’ and hit the metal disk, destroying it.

He glared at the grinning girl in front of him. “Laser!”

‘ZZohwap!’

In a pink flash, Pinkie was a few feet from the spot she had been standing. “Missed me~!”

“Laser!”

‘ZZohwap!’

“Missed again!”

“Laser!”         “Laser!”        “Laser!”

‘ZZohwap!’        ‘ZZohwap!’        ‘ZZohwap!’

“Noper!”        “Try again!”        “Better luck next time!”

Dan gawked at the scene in front of him. “I am so in love with that girl…” He muttered.

--♫

He turned as a very large truck with a large flatbed trailer carried arrived with a very large black robot. Dan wasted no time and clambering up the large robot towards the car interior turned cockpit.

--♫

“Dan?!” Elise called from an open car door a few stories up on the robot.

--♫

“You’re LATE, Dancing Shadow!” Dan growled out as he continued his climb over the robots irregularly shaped exterior.

--♫

“What’s this about you and Pinkie being dead?!” Elise leaned out her hand for Dan to grab. “HEY!”

--♫

“Talk later...” Dan replied, pulling Elise out of the cockpit.

--♫

Elise landed neatly on the ground, extending an arm and her legs out to soften the fall.

“…Fight now.”

“Dan!” Elise called out. “You don’t even know…”

--♫

Soon, the robot came to life. Elise dove behind the cab of the truck as rockets emerged from the back of the robot. Fire shot out from the robots back rockets and feet as it was propelled into the air.

--♫

Elise sighed. “…start it…”

Dan continued to grin behind the bruises on his face as the words “Cast in the name of God, Ye not Guilty.” Flashed in front of him.

--♫

“Laser!”

‘ZZohwap!’

“Oh, you’re getting closer!”

--♫

 “HOLD STILL!” Terri-Man demanded.

Pinkie felt her body shake and looked up. “Uh-oh…” She quickly made herself scarce.

“THAT’S THE OPPOSITE…” Terri-Man suddenly noticed the shadow cast over him and looked up…

--♫

…in time to have a giant robot land on top of him

--♫

“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Dan laughed maniacally as he shifted the robot and punched the spot he had landed on with a giant metal fist.

--♫

Terri-Man emerged from the crater and gave a savage yell as a second metal fist approached. He slammed his own fist against it causing the metal to bend and break under the impact.

--♫

The piston on the back of the arm lurched forward sending explosive energy forward into the bent fist which flew apart with the impact, sending a shower of metal and Terri-Man down the street.

--♫

Chest compartments on the robots chest opened suddenly, lifting the car like cockpit up and revealing two sets of three cannons that began to fire shells down the street.

--♫

Terri-Man stopped in midair as cannon blasts struck him and the street around him. He fell to the ground, but quickly recovered, flying past the onslaught of shells to deliver a solid punch into the robot’s chest that knocked it onto its back.

--♫

Terri-Man flew up to look down into the cockpit where he was greeted by Dan’s wicked, grinning face. Terri-Man pointed a fist directly at Dan that began to crackle with energy but paused when he heard the world’s fastest rendition of a jack-in-the box playing Pop Goes the Weasel.

--♫

He turned to see the now familiar site of a madly grinning Pinkie. She rapidly spun a lever on the side of large box that opened as the song finished, shooting forth a giant boxing glove attached to a spring that smashed into the supervillain and sent him flying again.

-o

--♫

“Are you alright?!” Mike called as he quickly exited the truck cab.

“Fine!” Elise stated. “Help me get the laser we didn’t have time to install ready.”

--♫

Mike glanced over at the battle between supervillain; sugar and caffeinated hyped pink blur, and giant robot. “Do you think they need our help?!”

--♫

Elise smiled. “Who cares about that?! How many other opportunities am I going to have to shoot a supervillain with a giant laser?!”

-o

Terri-Man swung a giant, red, metal ‘I’ beam at the grinning girl in front of him as the two battled in a partially constructed building.

“STOP MOVING!” He demanded. “Wait where…”

“Here I am!”

Terri-Man glanced up the giant I beam to see Pinkie rapidly running down it, quickly followed by the bottom of her shoe as she extended a kick into his visor.

Terri-Man flew back into the street with the force of the impact where he was greeted by a barrage of Gatling gun bullets.

Dan paused as he heard a ringing the cockpit, he pressed a flashing red button. “Hello?”

“Hello, ‘sup?” A voice called out in the cockpit.

Dan grinned. “Nothing D…getting a giant laser ready to shoot a supervillain.” He adjusted his joysticks, and depressed a button, causing a beam to admit from above the car-cockpit and into Terri-Man who was, up until that point, walking forward as he shielded his body from the bullet bombardment.

Terri-Man flew backwards as the laser beam impacted his body.

“What’s up with you?” Dan asked.

“Nothing…” Elise replied. “Getting a giant laser ready to shoot a supervillain.”

“True, True…This is excellent work by the way. I take back…one bad thing I’ve said about you!”

“Uh…which one?”

“I’m in such a good mood, I’ll let you pick!” Dan replied.

--♫

“Gee, thanks…”

--♫

Terri-Man rose from his smoking hole in the ground. His cape having been fried, and his enforced suit now holey and tattered in places.

Without warning a now familiar pink blur struck him, launching him through an office building window.

--♫

Pinkie wasted no time grabbing an office chair and smashing it against the dazed supervillain. She zoomed off to grab something else.

--♫

Terri-Man looked up and pounced, managing to connect with Pinkie for a change, the dive sent both crashing through another window back into the street.

--♫

“Got you!” Terri-Man announced.

--♫

“HEY! DARTH VADER REJECT!” Elise called out.

Terri-Man looked up to see he was directly in the path of a large, spherical shaped cannon pointed at him.

--♫

“Whoops! Pie in your face!” Pinkie called.

“Wha…” Terri-Man’s vision was suddenly obscured by something white and creamy.

A giant blast erupted from the laser Elise and Mike were standing behind.

Terri-Man found his vision clearing into white, hot searing pain as the pie quickly evaporated along with more of his outfit and his helmet.

--♫

Dan sighed as he added his own laser blast into the mix. “Why do you get the bigger laser?!”

--♫

“You’re piloting a giant robot and you’re still complaining?!” Elise shouted into her headset.

--♫

“That was supposed to be my laser!” Dan whined.

--♫

“Don’t you think you have bigger problems?!” Elise responded.

--♫

Dan spied Terri-Man down the street. Still standing, his now exposed face displaying absolute rage.

Dan also took note of a large, sling-slot Pinkie had apparently erected to launch herself out of, as evident that she was leaning back in the flexible material.

“I think Pinkie has it under control… Hey! The startup is cool, but I was thinking something more…vengeancey…”

--♫

“Wheeeeeee!” Pinkie exclaimed as she ceased digging into the ground with her heals and shoot herself into Terri-Man’s bulk.

The two flew through another window into an industrial looking building.

--♫

Terri-Man shook his head and surveyed his surroundings. “What? Who would make a dune buggy and fireworks factory?”

--♫

“Probably someone totally radical.” Pinkie answered over the sound of engines starting.

Terri-Man turned to the sound of the voice, Pinkie stood balancing her feet between two dune buggies.

Pinkie smiled. “I tied your feet to these two small car dealies by the way…”

--♫

Terri-Man looked down at his thrashed boots and noticed a rope tied to either ankle, leading to the two vehicles Pinkie was standing on.

“I hate you so much…”

--♫

Pinkie grinned. “Oh, I’m soooo scared…” She replied she quickly did a handstand and placed two small anvils onto the gas pedals of the buggies. She flipped off the devices as they surged forward and Pinkie quickly exited the dangerous building

--♫

Terri-Man’s feet were pulled out from under him as the buggies crashed into a wall of boxes marked ‘DANGER’ and ‘EXPLOSIVE’

Soon colorful fireworks were shooting out in all directions from the building.

--♫

Terri-Man smashed through a random wall and back into the street…

--♫

…where he was hit with a giant mallet that Pinkie swung, launching him high into the air.

--♫

Dan smiled as he watched the super hero ark into the air. “Got you…” He pressed a button in front of him.

--♫

Compartments on the robots chest in between the metal grill on the front opened as a series of missiles shot out.

  --♫

“Oooo! That looks like fun!” Pinkie stated as she zoomed onto and on top of the robot.

--♫

Dan heard a rapid pitter patter of footsteps as Pinkie got a running jump off his roof and onto one of the just fired missiles.

--♫

Terri-Man regained flight control just to notice the barrage of missiles heading his way.

--♫

“Laser!”

‘ZZohwap!’

‘KERSPLODE!’

  --♫

Terri-Man continued dispatching missiles, until get caught something pink moving along the top of them, jumping from missile to missile.

--♫

“That’s impossible…” He muttered as he aimed at an approaching missiles as Pinkie jumped onto it.

--♫

“Laser!”

‘ZZohwap!’

Pinkie jumped.

--♫

‘KERSPLODE!’

--♫

“PINKIE KICK!” Pinkie shouted as she swung a leg around her body, connecting her shoe with Terri-Man’s neck.

--♫

Terri-Man had time to utter a startled yelp as he flew backwards into the remaining approaching missiles.

--♫

‘KAAAABOOOOOM!’

Pinkie glanced beneath her to see the ground rapidly approaching. “Wha-oh…I did not think this through…”

Before she could descend much further, a large, black, metal palm extended out, stopping her descent.

Pinkie and the pilot of the giant robot exchanged giant grins, cut short by Pinkie’s trembling.

She looked out to see a black blur rapidly approaching.

“Eeep!” Pinkie jumped off the hand and onto the cockpit of the robot as Terri-Man shot through the arm joint at an incredible speed, separating arm from robot. She held tight as Terri-Man turned, and came back for a second pass. This time through the back of the robot and out the front, sending twisted pieces of metal out in all directions.

Pinkie held on tight as Dan attempted a controlled decent with the rockets on the robots legs. It still hit the ground hard, causing Pinkie to smash her face against the top of the robot. Her limp body rolled off the roof and onto the street below.

Dan threw open the black car door and began climbing down the damaged robot.

“Pinkie!? Pinkie!? Are you alright?!” Dan called out in a panicked tone. He sprinted to the body of the woman lying in the street and prospered her head up to face her.

Pinkie blearily looked up as a Dan’s face and black mask came into focus.  “Heeeey, Dan.” She answered as blood continued to pour out of her nose. “Partying hard really hurts…I think all my muscles are on fire inside of me…” She murmured softly.

Dan smiled, and scooped Pinkie up into his arms to embrace her. He quietly whispered, “I thought I lost you there, for a second,” into her ear.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe, you really thought you’d be rid of me that easily?” She replied as a grin spread across her face and she returned the hug.

Dan pulled back just enough to lock eyes with Pinkie. He stared past the blood that ran down her nose and over her mouth and quickly found himself lost in the sky of Pinkie’s large, beautiful, blue eyes.

“Never.” Dan murmured as the sunlight shined against the couple’s bruised and blood-spattered outfits

Pinkie and Dan closed their eyes as they pursed their lips.

Dan tilted his head slightly, leaned in, and…

Heard the sounds of cracking concrete as Terri-Man landed hard on the ground a few yards away.

Dan and Pinkie synchronized sighing as they looked over the supervillain who now looked about as bruised and battered as they were.

“Touching.” Terri-Man uttered in a mocking tone.

Pinkie made a disgusted noise. “UhIg! Is it too much to ask I get one bloody kiss with my boyfriend before we fight some more?” Pinkie exclaimed.

“You’re like a bad penny.” Dan stated, shaking his head and looking over at Terri-Man.

Terri-Man trudged over to the couple. “Still not afraid, huh? Well…” He reached down and easily pulled Pinkie from Dan’s grasp. “Maybe THIS will help.”

“Eeep…again…” Pinkie cried as Terri-Man wrapped a muscled arm around her and clutched her to his chest.

“LET HER GO!” Dan demanded. “But do it with less throwing into a building this time!” He added.

“I don’t think so Dr. Jerk. While, it’s commendable you can withstand tremendous physical pain…” Terri-Man raised a fist next to Pinkie’s head who gulped in response. “I’m guessing you might care if I blow her head off in front of you.”

“Dan! Don’t worry about me! Take him out.” Pinkie cried.

“Yes, reach for the squirt gun on your utility belt.” Terri-Man said as he grinned maliciously. “Let’s see if hot sauce travels faster than a point blank laser to the temple.”

“PUT HER DOWN!”

The group turned to see Elise pointing a boxy pistol at Terri-Man. Mechanic Mike standing behind her.

Terri-Man chuckled darkly. “A gun, really?” He purred out. “You have a much higher chance of hurting her!” Terri-Man said, squeezing Pinkie in response.

Pinkie squeaked not unlike a dog’s chew toy as the pressure increased on her.

Everyone paused as they processed what they heard.

“Wow…you’re really something else, aren’t you?” Terri-Man uttered.

Pinkie nodded. “If you can make me sneeze, I might just fire confetti out of my nose…”

“ENOUGH TALK!” Terri-Man roared. He glared back at Dan. “What’s it going to be?”

Dan felt his heart thump in his chest as he glanced up into Pinkie’s blood splattered face, a feeling of unmistakable dread permeated through his body as he considered the idea of losing Pinkie Pie.

“Alright…you win…” Dan replied, he slowly reached for his hot sauce filled squirt gun and let it fall to the ground. “Let her go. I’m the one you want…”

“Dan, you IDIOT!” Elise called. “He wants to kill you both!” She reminded.

“Oh…right…” Dan uttered as fear overtook his features.

Terri-Man laughed. “HAHAHAHAHA, that’s the expression I was looking for.” He smiled wide as his fist began to crackle with energy. “Say, Goodbye…”

“HEY! JERK-FACE. FEEL THE STING OF STEEL SCORPION!”

Terri-Man turned just in time to see a bright red cupcake collide with his face.

“AH! HOT SAUCE! WHY IS MY WEAKNESS SO EASY TO EXPLOIT AND ALSO PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE?!”

Pinkie squirmed in Terri-Man’s grasp, freeing an arm. She thrust her elbow into Terri-Man’s face, smashing the cupcake into it further.

Terri-Man released his grasp on the pink haired girl as he tried to rub the mass of cupcake off his face. As he did he heard the chorus of a familiar sound he had learned to loathe.

He whipped away enough of the spicy mass of cake and hot sauce to see five Super Soaker barrels pointed directly at him.

Terri-Man sighed.

“…”

“Okay.”

Dan, Pinkie, Elise, Chris, and Mike all pulled their triggers releasing a cascade of red liquid into the hapless supervillain who wailed in response.

As the streams of red ceased, a small, thin hot sauce covered man stood in front of the group of five. He glowered out at them. “Oh! Just wait until I get my powers back! I WILL RAIN VENGEANCE ON ALL OF YOU THE LIKES OF…”

The group looked at him briefly, then turned to face each other.

“Well, that was fun!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“I know right!” Dan answered enthusiastically. “That robot was awesome, we’ll have to rebuild it sometime! And HEY! You had superpowers!”

“I know!” Pinkie replied happily, quickly replacing her expression with a frown. “The hangover hurts like you wouldn’t believe, though…” She said, leaning against Dan for support.

Dan winced. “So does getting hit repeatedly with a super strong pinkie.” He replied, also leaning against Pinkie for support.

“Huh?” Pinkie responded in a confused tone. “But I didn’t hit you…”

“No, you see…” Dan sighed. “Just forget about it.”

“DONE!” Pinkie replied exuberantly.

“Hey, let’s not forget who saved the day with his killer cupcake sting!” Chris interjected.

Elise grinned as she gave Chris an enthusiastic slap on the shoulder. “That was a nice throw! And I got to fire a giant laser!”

“Uh…I helped setup the laser…and build the mech…” Mike interjected.

“HEY! I’M SWEARING VENGEANCE OVER HERE!”

The five turned towards the tiny man, still soaked in hot sauce, then quickly went back to their conversation.

“So! Who’s hungry?” Pinkie asked. “I think I depleted my body of almost all calories with all that zooming around…”

“I’m hungry.” Chris replied.

“Oh, like that’s a surprise!” Dan retorted.

The group began to walk off towards a familiar blue sedan.

“Dan! Cut him some slack.” Elise said. “He did save your girlfriend and even all of us, possibly.”

“Yeah, Dan!” Pinkie replied. “My head was going to be all explody! Like POW”

Dan sighed. “Oh, all right…I do enjoy your head.”

There was a small wave of sniggering from the group.

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU FILTHY GUTTER RATS!” Dan yelled.

“Hey…uh…shouldn’t we take you two to a hospital, or somethin’?” Mike suggested.

“HOSPITALS ARE FOR SQUARES!” Dan and Pinkie shouted back in unison.

“HEY!” The thin man formally known as Terri-Man, shouted out as he began to pursue the group. “I’M GOING TO COME FOR YOU! I’LL GETWHOA…”

‘SPLASH’

“AHHHH! NOW I’M HOT AND SMELLY!” A small voice called out from the open manhole in the street. “WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS?!” The voice turned angry once more. “I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE DR. JERK AND PARTY HARD! I WILL HAVE MY…”

“NO ONE CARES!” The group shouted back.

“…sigh.”

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 58: Pinkie Vs. Heat

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 58: Pinkie Vs. Heat

*****

Pinkie Pie trudged of the apartment stairs of Casa Paradisio. A full, brown grocery bag in each arm. She panted as her long, pink curls clung to her and the Los Angeles sun beat down upon her, which, in combination with the aching muscles she was suffering from due to yesterday’s battle with a supervillain, made the usually easy and enjoyable trip to the grocery store a grueling one.

The whole ordeal had got her grumbling under her breath about the situation. A habit she had begun to pick up from her roommate turned boyfriend.

“Stupid muscles…stupid heat…stupid multiple vehicle pileup…” She muttered as she reached the door to apartment 8, turned the knob and fell forward onto the apartment floor.

‘Thump’

Pinkie moaned loudly, or rather she uttered the word ‘moan’ out loudly.

 “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”

Dan glanced over from the couch, Mr. Mumbles curled up beside them as screams and yells from the T.V. filled the room.

Okay…if I ask if she needs help, she might say yes, and then I’d have to tear my eyes away from killer bee week, and I’ve already missed so much…

On the other hand, I think…maybe I’m possiblyobligated to see how she’s doing as her boyfriend, now?

Pinkie cleared her throat. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”

…Stupid newfound emotions of concern for girlfriend’s wellbeing…

With a heavy sigh, Dan muttered out a “Need any help?”

“Yeas, pwease.” Was the muffled response from the floor.

Dan grumbled as stood up from the couch, walked over to Pinkie, grabbed her hands, and dragged her the rest of the way into the apartment. He glanced outside, noticing an unusually high amount of police cars, crashed vehicles, and fire.

“Did you sing again?” Dan asked in a slightly accusatory tone as he closed the door.

“No…it’s too hot to sing!” Pinkie replied from the ground.

“Hot? Is that why you look like a wilted flower? Because it broke 90?!” Dan exclaimed.

“Well…my muscles still sorta feel like they’re on fire.”

“Which ones?” Dan enquired.

“All the muscles. All of them.” Pinkie replied.

“Look! I got pummeled by that superhero turned villain freak and you don’t see me complaining!”

“But,” Pinkie protested, looking up with a pout, “you complained all this morning! That’s why I went out grocery shopping by myself!”

“And I appreciate it!” Dan replied with a smile, digging through the grocery bags. He pulled out a loaf of bread and some sliced turkey in a container. “Sandwich?” He offered.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Pleasie-teasie-something…something…” Pinkie said as her enthusiasm lost steam mid-reply and she slumped, face down on the apartment floor.

“Uh…Do you want me to pick you off the floor, or something?” Dan offered.

“Naw,” Pinkie responded, “iwt’s nwice and cwool dowwn here.”

Dan took a closer look at Pinkie’s attire, or lack-there-of.

“Uh…Pinkie? What are you wearing?”

Pinkie looked up. “Oooo! Oooo! I know this one…uh…clothes!” She said with a raised index finger.

“No…I mean…” Dan sighed. “Sometimes it’s like trying to have a conversation with a gerbil with you, you know that? A really goofy…airheaded gerbil.”

Pinkie stared blankly at Dan and blinked a few times.

“THEY CAN’T ALL BE GOLD!” Dan insisted forcefully. He leaned down and looped his hands under Pinkie’s arms so he could raise her and get a better look at her.

As Dan picked Pinkie off the floor, suddenly the answer to why there was such a commotion outside became clear as the two, large bouncing answers appeared right in front of his face.

“I see you’ve decided to unleash the full power of your cupcakes on an unsuspecting Van Nuys.” Dan commented as he looked over Pinkie’s pink, low cut top that was tied just under her chest, exposing her midriff.

“Huh? I haven’t attacked the town with cupcakes…” Pinkie replied. She seemed to ponder this notion for a second. “Yet…” She added. “The day is young, after all…”

Dan gave Pinkie an exasperated sigh. “I need to get you a book on euphemisms or something! I was referring to your attire.”

Pinkie looked down at her low cut top and cut-off jean shorts. “What! It’s hot!” She insisted.

“I know it’s hot! That’s the problem!”

“It know it’s a problem, that’s why I’m wearing this!”

“No…you stupid…sexy…GRAH…” Dan rapidly ran his hands over his own hair, mussing it in frustration. “What you’re wearing is hot. Get it?”

Pinkie shook her head. “No it’s not! It’s cool! That’s why I’m wearing it! Why would I want to wear something hot when it’s hot outside?”

Dan sighed and smacked a palm against his forehead, dragging it down the entire length of his face.

“Alright, nimrod, I’m going to make us some turkey sandwiches then you and I are going to attempt to have a conversation that doesn’t come off like an Abbott and Costello routine. Otherwise, I may have to duct-tape your mouth shut for a while.”

“Oh...okay!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

***

Dan grumbled irritably as he walked down the sidewalk, Pinkie behind him, her shoulders slumped and face pointed at the ground.

Dan looked up and squinted at the sun. “Alright, it is pretty hot…” He admitted.

“Mmph mmm mmm mph mmphh mm mm mph!”

“What?”

“Mmph mmm mmm mph mmphh mm mm mph!”

Dan stopped walking, sighed, and turned around.

‘Rrrrrrrip!’

“Owwie!” Pinkie exclaimed as Dan tore the duct tape from her mouth.

“Right, so, what where you saying?”

Pinkie looked up at Dan. “I said, ‘Mmph mmm mmm mph mmphh mm mm mph!’”

“…You mean, you literally mumbled a reply to me?!”

“Well…you taped my mouth shut,” Pinkie explained. “I mean, it’s not like you would have understood me, anyhow.”

Dan’s eye began to twitch as he contorted his face angrily. “I…you…I…just..!”

No, Dan. You can’tkill her. You loveher and all her myriad of weirdness…even if it’s a lotof weirdness…

Dan took a calming breath. “Okay, well…what would you have said had I not taped your mouth shut?”

“Oooo! I would have said. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

Dan sighed again. “Let’s just make to work before…”

‘CRASH’

“…THAT happens.”

Dan and Pinkie looked across the road at the car that had just crashed into a palm tree, the driver having been too busy staring at Pinkie to concentrate on such a difficult task as keeping his car on the road.

“Should we…should we see if they need help?” Pinkie asked.

The driver opened the door and whistled in Pinkie’s direction. “Looking GOOD, baby!”

“…I retract my previous question.” Pinkie said as she and Dan resumed their short walk to the bakery.

*

“Hey Pinkie. Hey Dan.” Wally greeted. “No costumes today, huh?”

“It’s too hot for costumes.” Pinkie whined in reply, walking past Wally with slumped shoulders and frazzled hair.

“The superhero slash villain wars are over. Dr. Jerk and Party Hard were victorious after sustaining a great deal of personal injury.” Dan announced.

“Yeah, you guys don’t look so hot…” Wally commented, looking over Dan’s collection of bruises and Pinkie’s wilted look.

“What?!” Pinkie exclaimed, turning around. “We’re super-duper hot!” Pinkie insisted.

“Uhh…” Wally took a closer look at Pinkie as his brain froze somewhere between Pinkie’s wardrobe choices and trying to process the double entendre.

“NO!” Dan roared. “Don’t even start! We’ll be here for hours.”

Wally, took out his handkerchief to towel his forehead. “Uh, right…”

“Cripple!” Dan called out. “What are we low on?”

“Hey, bro-boss! We’re low on…” Crunchy paused having caught site of Pinkie, “uh…”

Pinkie stared back at Crunchy with a confused expression on her face.

“TODAY, CRIPPLE!”

“Uhh…right…cupcakes…muffins…” Crunchy mumbled out.

Dan’s eye’s twitched irritably. “Could you maybe be…MORE SPECIFIC?!” He roared out.

“Uhhh…” Crunchy broke his ogling to stare at Dan. “I erm…just forgot…”

“HOW CAN YOU JUST..? HEY! SPACE-CASE, STOP STARING AT PINKIE AND ANSWER ME!”

Crunchy shook his head and looked back at Dan. “Sorry, bra…uh…what were we talking about.”

“GraaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dan pulled his fist back, but stopped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Dan!” Pinkie called out. “No assaulting co-workers during business hours!”

Dan sighed. “Alright, fine. MONKEY-FACE! YOU BACK THERE?!”

“Hey, Dan!” Chris called out from the kitchen. “What’s up?”

“I need you to come out here and give me a status update, since Pinkie broke our hippy.” Dan explained.

“Broke him?” Chris asked, as he walked out of the kitchen and behind the counter. “How did she…she…uh…wow…”

“Uh…Hey, Chris…” Pinkie said, unsure of how to react to his gawking.

Dan sighed. “Chris, that is Pinkie Pie…you’ve met her…MANY times… and while I’m quite sure you’ve never been formally introduced to her breasts, I can assure you WHAT THE BAKERY IS SHORT ON IS NOT WRITTEN ON THEM.”

“Oooo! Oooo! But we COULD write that on them!” Pinkie suggested helpfully. “At least then I’d know why everyone is staring at me!”

“They’re staring at you because you’re hot, idiot!” Dan reminded.

“But, I thought everyone would be hot.” Pinkie replied.

Dan sighed.

“You know…because of the heat.”

Dan sighed deeper.

“From the sun…that’s outside.”

Sighing intensifies.

“That’s making everything hot.”

Dan looked up at Pinkie and tensed his hands into claws outstretched in front of him as if he was going to strangle her. “Pinkie?” He growled out behind clenched teeth.

“Yes, Dan?”

“Please go work the register.”

“Okie-Dokie-Lokie!” Pinkie replied enthusiastically. “La, la, la, la, laaa…” Pinkie bounded behind the counter, causing her chest to bounce with each step, in turn, causing most the males in the bakery to follower her with their eyes as their heads bobbed up and down.

“WHAT THE HECK?!” Dan exclaimed out at the dining area with surprise. “We’re in L.A.! Haven’t you all seen pretty girls before?”

Many of the women in the bakery muttered in agreement.

“I mean…SURE she’s got a perfect hourglass figure and is drop dead gorgeous, with her long, pink, curly hair flowing behind her like, soft pink clouds in the bre…”

“Uh, Dan?” Chris interrupted.

“WHAT?!”

“Not helping…” Chris informed quietly.

“Awww,” Pinkie interjected with a giant grin, “I was enjoying it…”

“YOU!” Dan said leveling an angry index finger at Pinkie. “Register!” He demanded.

Pinkie gave Dan a smile and a salute.

“YOU!” Dan said, wheeling his angry index finger on Chris. “WHAT IS THE BAKERY SHORT ON?”

Chris smiled pensively. “Uh…”

Dan smacked both palms against his face. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“…Sorry…” Chris offered.

“Don’t be sorry! Be DEAD.” Dan growled out angrily. “I can’t BELIEVE I’M THE RESPONSIBLE ONE HERE! WHAT MADNESS HAS PINKIE UNLEASHED ON THE WORLD?!”

“Oooo! Is it chocolate?! Did I unleash chocolate? I COULD release chocolate! I mean, how awesome would that…”

“REGISTER!” Dan roared out.

“Uh…right away, Danny-manny…” Pinkie replied.

Dan sighed the deepest sigh of all. “This is what it’s come to…CROSS-EYED GIRL!”

D.H. popped her head out of the kitchen, her face smudged with white frosting. “Yes, Mr. Boss?”

“Get out here and tell me what we’re low on! Also, for the record, you are my last resort!”

D.H. stepped out, revealing that she was:

A. Covered in white frosting.

B. Wearing a low cut top that, like Pinkie, exposed her midriff.

C. Wearing micro-miniskirt that only extended a few inches below her waist.

Dan closed his eyes and massaged his temples as one of the male customers collapsed to the floor.

“Huh…must be the heat…” Pinkie commented.

Chris chuckled. “Oh, it’s hot alright…”

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO HEAR THE SAME STUPID PUN IN ONE DAY?!” Dan roared. “Girl-whose-name-I-don’t-know, FIRST, what are we low on.”

“OH! Uh…Rainbow Cupcakes, Vanilla Nut Muffins, MMMMMs, Cranberry Muffins, and Chocolate explosion cupcakes!” She responded with a grin.

Dan allowed himself to calm down a bit. “Second, why are you dressed like that?”

D.H. looked down at her attire with a confused expression. “What? It’s HOT!” She insisted.

“Geez, I know, right?” Pinkie added.

Dan sighed.

“Yeah!  I mean, what temperature is it outside?! Some really high number?!” D.H. suggested.

Dan sighed deeper.

“This world needs someone who can control the sun!” Pinkie insisted.

Sighing intensifies.

“Yeah! The sun that is making everything hot!” D.H. added.

“ENOUGH!” Dan roared. “Are you going to sell anything!?”

“Oh…RIGHT!” Pinkie replied. She looked forward towards a male customer whose face seemed to be stuck in the down ‘position’. “Uhhh…Can I get you something…”

“…Food…cupcake food…” The bakery patron uttered out.

“Uh…what kind of cupcake?” Pinkie asked as she looked down trying to figure out what seemingly invisible thing on her chest everyone kept staring at.

“Two…cupcakes…uh…”

“JUST GRAB TWO RANDOM CUPCAKES AND SELL THEM TO HIM!” Dan demanded.

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie replied. “Owie!” She exclaimed as she leaned down, the her muscles painfully reminding her that every one of them was aching.

“Gwaaah..?” The patron uttered as Pinkie leaned down and stayed there.

Dan merely sighed at the sad display in front of him.

“Oh! Are you alright?!” D.H. asked with a touch of concern, she leaned down to help Pinkie.

“…”

‘BANG’

‘Thump’

Dan watched as the customer at the register passed out on the spot. Banging his head against the counter on the way to his final destination on the floor.

Pinkie and D.H. leaned forward and peered over the counter.

“Huh…must be the heat.” Pinkie suggested.

D.H. nodded. “It is rather hot out, today.”

Dan buried his face in both palms. “NEXT!” He shouted out. He looked up at Chris and Crunchy and motioned for them to remove the collapsed man from in front of the register.

This time a female walked u. “Uh…one Chocolate Muffin?”

“Of course!” Pinkie replied.

D.H. quickly retrieved the order AS Pinkie made change.

Dan glowered out at all the males in the store. “There! That’s how it’s done!” He looked at the next person in line, a man once again. “Now you try!”

“Uh…I would like…TWO DOZEN CUPCAKES AND MUFFINS!” He announced.

“Sure!” Pinkie replied happily. “Uh…which ones?”

“I erm…didn’t think that far…” The man admitted.

“YOU’RE THE PRINCESS OF RANDOM!” Dan shouted. “JUST PICK RANDOMLY!”

“Aye, Aye, sir!” Pinkie replied. Pinkie winced again as she leaned down.

“Here! Let me help!” D.H. insisted, leaning down.

“…”

‘BANG’

‘Thump’

“GRAH!” Dan roared in frustration. “That is IT! Chris, since you seem to have some degree of self-control despite your constant ogling…”

Chris’s face flushed as he broke eye contact with Pinkie’s and D.H.’s chest and looked over at Dan.

“…you can retrieve this man’s wallet, help him pay for his order and drag him and his food out into the parking lot.”

“Uh…Dan? That doesn’t seem legal…or ethical…” Chris replied.

“Serves him right for not being able to handle two women in low cut tops.” Dan glanced into the dining room area. “AM I RIGHT, LADIES?!”

Dan’s question was met with a chorus of agreement from the females in the bakery.

Dan looked back at Chris and motioned out into the dining area. “The mob has spoken, monkey-face.” He turned to Crunchy and began snapping his fingers in front of the hippies face. “HEY! HIPPY!”

“Uh…yes, boss-bro?”

“You’re helping me bake.”

“Sure, dude.”

Dan turned back to dining area. “I have no sympathy for any of you feculent maggots and no more patience to pretend otherwise. Gentlemen, I wash my hand of this weirdness.” He announced, followed by him turning towards the kitchen.

Pinkie giggled. “You’re the awesomest take charge dork, ever.”

“REGISTER!” Dan yelled back.

***

“Uh…Dan…” Chris called from the kitchen doorway. “I’m running out of room for all the unconscious guys in front of the store…”

“So?” Dan replied without looking up from the bowl he was currently hand mixing. “Stack them on top of each other…or throw them in the street! They knew the risks of ordering baked goods from those two, and they RAN headlong towards the danger.”

Chris sighed. “I’ll figure something out…”

“Yes, good, you do that.” Dan replied disinterested.

“Hey, Mr. Boss, is that order of Raspberry Cream cupcakes ready?” D.H. called out from the kitchen doorway.

Dan pointed to a tray without looking up.

“Thanks, Mr. Boss!” D.H. replied.

Dan went back to his mixing, which was quickly interrupted by the sound of…

“WAH! LOOK OUT!”

‘Splat’

‘Crash’

Dan gave the largest sigh of all, unseating his previous deep sigh for number one sigh of all time.

“Sorry, Pinkie!” D.H. called out. “Oh, I got frosting all over you!”

Pinkie giggled. “It’s okay, D.H. I’m used to you covering me with frosting…I’ll just…OW! Stupid muscles!”

“Here, let me get that…”

Dan paused as he heard a chorus of ‘Thud’s.

“Uh…should we check it out, boss-man?” Crunchy asked.

“FINE!” Dan growled out, trudging out of the kitchen. “But if there’s more unconscious dudes, you’re helping drag them out into the street.”

Dan and Crunchy walked out where the sight of a white frosting covered D.H. with a hand down a white frosting covered Pinkie Pie’s shirt greeted them as Pinkie moaned quietly in response.

Before Dan could say anything, Crunchy lost the ability to hold himself upright and collapsed onto the floor.

“OH, COME ON!” Dan shouted.

“Hey, Dan!” Pinkie replied cheerfully. “D.H. was just helping me get a cupcake out of my shirt!” She explained, as D.H. continued to clumsily fumble her hand around Pinkie’s low cut top. “I’d get it myself, but my muscles are…”, Pinkie winced and moaned painfully, “…really hurting me…” She exclaimed.

Dan sighed. “I give up. Why don’t you two just start doing something really ridiculous, like…I don’t know…cleaning each other off with saliva covered digits or something?”

“Oh! Good idea!” Pinkie replied. She licked her thumb and leaned in closer to D.H., pressing her chest against the other girl’s as she smeared her thumb against her face.

There was a great disturbance in the bakery, as if several dozen men all cried out in joy and were suddenly silenced.

‘THUD’

“Wow, some heat, huh?” Pinkie said, as she stood practically embracing her co-worker and looking out into the forest of fallen males and upright, embarrassed and angry looking women with the odd, nonplused man here or there.

“You’re telling me!” D.H. responded.

Dan nodded satisfactorily. “Good, now do something sensible like CLEAN YOURSELVES OFF IN THE FRICKIN’ BATHROOM!” Dan yelled out.

“OH! That’s an even BETTER idea!” Pinkie replied.

Dan manned the register as the two girls bounded off towards the ladies restroom.

Chris walked in and froze, as his eyes darted across the male covered floor. “I…but…I can’t…HOW?!”

“HOP TO, MONKEY FACE! WE NEED TO GET THESE LOITERS OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.”

Chris sighed deeply. “Right away, Dan…”

***

“So…tired…” Chris mumbled out as he trudged away from the bakery.

“So…hot and achy!” Pinkie moaned as she trudged away from the bakery.

“So…ANGRY!” Dan yelled as he trudged away from the bakery.

The three walked down the streetlight lit sidewalk where they were headlights soon added to the illumination.

“Hey, gang!” Elise called from a familiar blue sedan. “I couldn’t park in the in parking lot because it’s full of unconscious guys and boxes of muffins and cupcakes.” She explained. “Uh…wow…” She added looking over the group. “Rough day?”

“I had to drag men out all day!” Chris explained.

“And it was so hot and my muscles were on fire!” Pinkie added.

“And I had to deal with a bakery full of IDIOTS!” Dan roared out. “Present company included!”

“Uh…How about we all go to dinner?” Elise suggested.

“Oooo! Great idea, Elise!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Chris smiled and nodded in agreement.

“How about instead we go to one of those places people want to go when they want to forget the past day’s events by consuming unhealthy amounts of alcohol?” Dan suggested.

“Uh…a bar?” Elise asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Sure! Whatever!” Dan replied. “ANYTHING to help me forget today!”

“I could always hit you in the head with your bat until you forget!” Pinkie suggested in her typical chipper tone.

“Aw, that’s sweet.” Dan replied with a smile. “But you’re still in pain from yesterday, I wouldn’t want you to strain yourself, goofball.”

“Awww…” Pinkie leaned in to kiss her boyfriend on the lips.

Chris and Elise paused.

“Uh…that was seriously a tender moment between those two, wasn’t it?” Elise asked her husband.

Chris nodded his head. “You should see the stuff they get up to at work… the break room still has blood on the walls from couples only blunt force trauma induced amnesia sessions.”

“Uh…you know what? I could use a drink, too.” Elise added.

With that, the two couples entered the car.

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 59: Pinkie Vs. Alcohol

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 59: Pinkie Vs. Alcohol

*****

“Uh, Pinkie why are you wearing that?” Elise enquired from the driver’s seat.

“Because it’s hot!” Pinkie replied from the back.

Dan began to growl irritably.

Elise paused. “…Hot because ‘it’s hot outside’ or hot because ‘you wanted to dress in a way that makes people draw attention to you’?”

Pinkie went quiet for a second. “Ooooh! Ooooooooooooooh! That’s what Dan has been trying to explain to me!” She responded happily.  She looked over to her boyfriend. “Dan! Dan! I finally figured out…”

“GLACK…KCLCK…” Dan replied as he attempted to release himself from his mortal bounds of flesh via wrapping the seatbelt shoulder strap around his neck.

“No, Dan!” Pinkie pleaded. “Don’t do it! You’re too awesome to die!”

Dan paused, and slowly removed the seatbelt from around his neck. “You’re right! I am awesome!”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “Yay!” she exclaimed. “Life is worth living for smoochees!” She announced.

Dan and Pinkie leaned towards each other and pressed their lips together, Pinkie making audible ‘Mauh’ noises as she made out with her boyfriend in the backseat of the blue sedan.

Elise giggled. “Any excuse with those, two. Huh?” She asked her husband.

“Pretty much, yeah…” Chris replied.

“What are you two babbling on about?” Dan turned and asked, as Pinkie continued to rain kisses on his cheek.

“Uh…we’re just discussing our vacation plans for this weekend.” Chris stated.

“WHAT?!” Dan exclaimed. “I didn’t authorize that!”

Chris and Elise exchanged grins. “Actually, you did.”

Chris reached into his pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper, handing it to Dan.

“I even had it notarized, in case you forgot.” Chris informed.

“Uh…so, you did.” Dan replied looking over the document that clearly had his signature as well as a round, notary stamp on it.

“And I told Pinkie to remind you.” Elise added.

“Oh?!” Dan asked, turning to Pinkie. “Way to drop the ball there!” He accused.

“Dan, I told you, like…a dozen times, at least!” Pinkie insisted squeakily.

“Psahaw…” Dan replied, waving a hand at Pinkie dismissively. “…I’m sure I’d remember if you told me that many times!”

Pinkie sighed.

<*>

“Hey Dan! Elise told me to remind you that she and Chris are going on vacation in a couple weeks.”

“Sure…whatever…” Dan said as his face remained glued to the T.V.

 *

“Ah! You got me again!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “By the way, Chris and Elise are going on vacation…”

“Less talky, more getting beaten up at video games.”

“Uh…sure…Okay!”

*

“Dan! Dan! Chris and Elise are going on vacation…”

“Trying to EAT cereal here…”

“Sigh…”

*

“Dan! Chris and Elise are going on vacation, and wanted me to…”

“GEEZ, woman! It’s just non-stop chatter with you, isn’t it?! Can’t we have one quiet walk to work?!”

“…”

*

“Hey Dan. Chris and Elise are going…

“TRYING TO BAKE HERE!” Dan replied irritably as he hand mixed the contents of a bowl.

“But you…but you’ve made that recipe hundreds of times…”

“And now you just threw off my mixing rhythm, now someone is going to eat not perfectly mixed muffins! LOOK WHAT YOUR CARELESS LIPS HAVE WROUGHT!” Dan held up the contents of the mixing bowl for Pinkie to see. “LOOK AT IT!” He demanded.

“Alright, sorry, geez, I guess I won’t talk to you while we’re baking, anymore…”

“Huh?” Dan replied. “No, don’t do that! We’ll be here for hours in total silence!”

Pinkie’s face contorted in confusion. “Bwah?! But you just…I mean…how will I…”

“You seem tense.” Dan commented. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Pinkie’s eye twitched.

*

“Hey, Dan! Chris and Elise are going on vacation at the end of this…”

“WATCHING KILLER BEE WEEK!” Dan announced. “Are you a killer bee?!”

“Uh…no?”

“Then buzz off!”

“…Hehe…buzz off…” Pinkie said quietly to herself as she walked away.

*

“Hey, Dan! ChrisAndElise! Vacation! EndOfThisWeek…”

“AHHHH!” Dan screamed pointing at Pinkie. “Giant killer bee! RUN Mr. Mumbles!” Dan and Mr. Mumbles jumped off the couch and made a panicked run into the bedroom, as Dan closed the door behind them.

Pinkie glanced down at her yellow and black shirt, then around her back to her attached thorax, then glanced up at the springy antennae that here bouncing up and down above her head.

“Huh…maybe I over did it…”

*

“Dan! ChrisAndEliseVacati…”

“Reading comics here!”

“GRAH!”

*

“VacationChrisEliseGoingEndOF…

“TRYING to watch the PAINT dry!”

“ARRRRRRRRGGGG!”

*

“DAN! CHRIS! ELISE! VACATION! GOING…

“Staring out into vacant space here!”

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!”

*

“Ohhh Dan…moan…pant…aaaah…right…there…ChrisAndEliseAreGoingOnVacationAtTheEndOfTheWeek…”

*<

“Wait…” Chris turned in his seat to face Pinkie with a per. “You actually told him while you two were in bed together?!”

“That wasn’t when we were in bed together!” Pinkie replied. “We were in a small pool of lactose-free pudding that time!” She explained.

“Uh…” Chris responded, suddenly sorry he had asked.

“No! The time we were in bed was more like,” Pinkie rolled her eyes back and began huskily breathing as she verbally reenacted the scene,  “‘Aaah…pant…that feels…moan…so good…vacation…ChrisAndElise…ahhhh…going on…pant…endOfWeek…’”

Elise began laughing as Chris turned back to face forward in his seat, his face flushed red.

Dan sighed. “Fine…” he muttered out. “I guess you can go…”

Elise chuckled and rolled her eyes. “Geez, thanks, Dan.”

“…but first round is on you!” Dan added.

Elise thought about this for a second. “…Fine, but I get to pick drinks!”

“…Deal.” Dan responded.

*

Dan stared at the colorful beverage in front of him, complete with a tiny umbrella sticking out of it and pieces of fruit on the rim.

“Ulg…You just had to get my something with fruit, didn’t you?” He asked, glowering at Elise.

Elise grinned as she took a sip from her own drink, an amber colored beverage with a couple of ice cubes in it.

Dan took a sip, “On the other hand,” He smiled, “I do like sugar…Not bad.”

“Uh…sure Dan…” Elise replied.

“See! I told you it was good!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Chris chuckled. “Not according to plan, eh?” He asked his wife as he sipped soda from a bottle.

Elise sighed. “I’ll give him a Scotch next time…”

“Chris!” Dan called out as he pointed at a pool table. “I desire to beat you at that game!”

“Uh…that kind of requires that you’re actually good at pool.” Chris explained.

“I’m confident I have a hidden talent for it…I mean…it involves hitting things with sticks. I should have plenty of practice there.” Dan replied.

Chris shrugged. “Just don’t hit me with the stick, alight?” He said as the two men got off their bar stools and walked over to the pool table.

“No promises.” Dan answered.

The two women enjoyed their drink in the dim light of the dingy looking bar.

“This is super delish, Elise!” Pinkie exclaimed as she continued to take large gulps of her drink.

Elise nodded. “Yeah, I figured you’d like that.”

“I do like it!” Pinkie grinned. “And it’s helping me forget my body is in fiery pain!” She added.

Pinkie looked at the colorful bottles on the other side of the bar, as she continued to take large drinks from her beverage. “I wonder what else I’d like!”

*Soon*

“Elise! Elise! Elise! Elise!” Pinkie repeated excitedly.

Elise giggled. “Yes, Pinkie?”

“Guess what! Guess what! Guess what! Guess what!”

“Uh, you’ve decided you like raspberry liqueurs?”

Pinkie depleted the air in front of her of oxygen with a giant gasp. “How did you know!? Are you psychic?!”

“Heh, no…lucky guess.”

‘Smack’

“HA!” Dan called out. “Off the table!”

“Dan, that’s considered bad.” Chris explained.

“What?! GRAH! I hate this game!”

A large, angry looking man in a beat up leather jacket approached Dan, pool ball in hand. “This belong to you, buddy?” He asked in a deep, somewhat threatening tone.

Dan wordlessly grabbed the ball, and looked at Chris. “Right…so…what do I do with this?”

“HEY, KNUCKLEHEAD!” The large man called out. “I think you at least owe me a drink.”

Dan turned and looked the large man up and down. “Pinkie!” Dan called out. “Bad man wants to hurt your boyfriend.”

Pinkie quickly stood on her stool and pounced the large man with a “YAR!”

Dan turned back to Chris as his scantily clad girlfriend began grabbing the large man’s limbs and contorting them in unnatural ways.

“So anyways,” Dan said to Chris, “what do I do with this?”

Chris looked at the scene of violence on the floor. “Uh…wow…”

“Say uncle~!” Pinkie sang out as she sat on top of the larger man and bent his arm behind his back.

“Unc…UNCLE!” The man cried.

Pinkie let the man go as he slinked into a far off corner of the bar to the grins and chuckles of the other bar participants for getting trounced by a girl.

“Thanks, goofball.” Dan said with a smile.

“Anytime, Danny-manny!” Pinkie replied as the two exchanged a quick kiss.

Pinkie returned to her seat next to Elise who was attempting to find an expression in between worried and impressed.

“I thought Pinkie didn’t like violence…” Chris commented.

Dan shrugged. “Now that we’re a couple, she seems ready to defend me at a moment’s notice.” Dan frowned at the ball and put it back on the pool table. “Especially if she’s not really paying attention in the first place.” He added.

**

“So! Elise! ELSIE! Elisee…the Elisearoni and cheese!” Pinkie said.

Elise sipped her drink. “Uh, yeah Pinkie?”

“I never thanked you for helping me pick out an outfit for Dan the other day!” Pinkie explained as she held a brand new, colorful drink in her hand.

Elise smiled and shrugged. “Oh, don’t worry. I had fun, too!”

Pinkie began to giggle with a mischievous look. “You know what else is fun?” She asked, leaning in and lowering her voice.

“Uh…no, what?”

Pinkie grinned wide. “A roll in the hay, the old in-and-out…you know…hanky-panky, the horizontal mambo, the lust and thrust, hide the sausage…nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?KnowWhatImean?!”

“Erm, yes Pinkie. I think I understand quite clearly.”

Pinkie frowned. “I’m not sure you do! You see Dan and I…”

Elise’s face flushed as Pinkie began to go into graphic detail of her and Dan’s escapades, complete with audio reenactment, several musical numbers, and a lengthy shadow puppet show.

“…And that’s why chocolate syrup isn’t a great lubricant…it’s an AWESOME lubricant!”

“Uh…right…” Elise responded sheepishly.

“So, anyway,” Pinkie continued, “regarding the many uses of a rubber chicken…”

“YES! Got one.” Dan exclaimed.

“Dan, that was the eight ball.” Chris informed.

“…And it means double points?” Dan asked hopefully.

“It means you lost.”

“GRAAAAAAH!” Dan flung his pool stick out into the dining area of the bar.

‘Clank.’

“HEY! IDIOT!” A large, muscled man called out. “I THINK YOU DROPPED THIS!” He yelled as he approached Dan.

Dan sighed. “Pinkie!”

“…and that’s why Dan doesn’t let me take a whoopee cushion to bed anymore, despite its totally appropriate name!”

“PINKIE! I’m in possible danger here!”

“Ooops! Gotta go!” Pinkie announced as she dashed off in a pink blur.

Elise took a large gulp from her drink. “Thank you merciful God…”

‘SNAP’

“AHHHHHHH!” The large man called out, as Pinkie straddled his back, facing away from the man and pulled his legs towards her to an extreme degree.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe! Now sing, I’m a steamboat call me Mel!”

The large man uttered a pained tune of “I’m a steamboat call me Mel…”

“Oooo! Good job! Especially since I just made up that song…or I’m channeling T.V. again…it’s kinda hard to figure out which…everything is blurry, and fun, and AWESOME!”

**

“Sniff…sob…Elise?” Pinkie cried out.

“Uh…yeah Pinkie?”

“I’msworry I’m suuuch a howrribly frieaeaeaeaeand!” Pinkie moaned.

“Oh Pinkie, you’re a great friend.” Elise chuckled. “Never a dull moment with you around.”

“SOB…YOU’RE JUUSHT SAYING THAT!” Pinkie insisted.

“No, no!” Elise insisted. “You’re truly a great friend!”

“Sniff…really?”

Elise smiled and nodded her head as she put a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Really!” She insisted.

“Thanks Elise…” Pinkie turned and looked at Dan as he and Chris stood at a far end of the bar, in a pink blur closed the distance from bar stool to Dan and latched herself onto his back.

“GHAH! What the heck, goofball?! We’re playing darts!”

“I’m playing Darts” Chris said with a grin. “Dan is adding holes to the wall.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Chris. “I will throw this at your shins, Chris!” Dan said, holding a small dart up threateningly. “Don’t think I won’t!”

“Sniff…sob…Dan?”

Dan sighed. “What is it?”

“I’msworry I’m theworrsstes girlsfriend eveeeeeeeeer!” Pinkie moaned.

Dan paused and shimmied around to look at Pinkie. “What are you talking about?! You’re pretty much the objectively BEST girlfriend possible!” Dan insisted.

“YOU’RE JSH…jus…justsh… SAYING THAT…WHOUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Pinkie insisted as she burst into tears.

“Hey…” Dan said calmly, holding a gentle hand against Pinkie’s cheek. “You beat up a supervillain with a manhole cover just yesterday! If that doesn’t make you the best girlfriend ever, then I don’t know what does.”

Pinkie calmed down a bit, and gave Dan a smile through the tears. “Sniff…reaeaeally?”

Dan wiped tears away from Pinkie’s face lovingly. “Really.”

Pinkie’s mood suddenly turned a 180 as she beamed from ear to ear before she threw herself against Dan, hard enough to tackle him to the floor as she began savagely kissing him as Dan tried in vain to pry his girlfriend off of him.

“Uh…” Chris looked towards his wife. “Darts?” He asked. “I think they may be a while…”

Elise chuckled, and finished her Drink. “Sure honey, maybe with the buzz I got going you’ll stand a chance…”

**

“Elise…”

“…Yes Pinkie.” Elise asked tentatively as she sipped her drink.

“I feel it!” Pinkie announced, her pupils the size of saucers.

“Uh, feel what, Pinkie?”

“The magic…the magic that connects this world to all worlds! The magical energy that binds the myriad of dimensions. I feel it all around us.”

“Uh…sure Pinkie…”

“Also, the magic energy is guarded by tiny, jealous, angry little gnomes that steal small items of clothing from people’s driers!” Pinkie explained.

“I think you’ve had enough…” Elise said.

“Yes, Elise.” Pinkie replied calmly. “I’ve had enough…enough to see we’re all coupled, we are all one in the magic, binding power of friendship!”

“GAH!” A man called out as a dart hit in in the arm.

“Wow…you’re really just terrible at this!” Chris commented.

“SHUT UP!” Dan retorted.

The man tentatively walked up to Dan. “Uh…here’s your dart…sir…” He said, holding the dart out for Dan.

Dan looked at the dart, then up at that man. “Pinkie!”

The man’s expression turned panicked. “What! NO! I was being nice! I swear. AHHH!” The man called out in alarm as Pinkie suddenly appeared beside him.

“Yes Dan?”

Dan grinned. “This man looked at me funny.”

“NO! I swear! I didn’t!”

“Oh, Dan…I’ve learned violence isn’t the answer.” Pinkie said, her voice soothing and melodic.

Dan frowned. “It’s not?”

Pinkie shook her head. “If we, as sapient beings, are to make it, we must learn to coexist.”

“…Sounds like nonsense, hippy talk to me.” Dan snorted in reply.

“Here,” Pinkie began, “I’ll show you! Drinks for everyone!” She announced.

The bar patrons cheered joyously.

Dan shook his head. “Wow, you’re really weird when you’re drunk…I mean…weirder…”

“No, Dan! I’m not drunk! I see clearly now for the first time.” Pinkie insisted in an even tone. “We must all come together in friendship’s warm glow…now hand me your lighter.”

**

The four friends stood outside the bar, as the warm glow of friendship illuminated their face, or rather, as the flaming structure fire of the bar lit up the night’s sky and people ran in a panic from the building.

“Welp,” Chris began, “that ended predictably.”

Elise nodded. “It suuuure did.”

“Remind me never to give Pinkie my lighter if she wants to mix drinks…” Dan said, as Pinkie leaned her weight against the short man to keep herself upright. “I mean, if we’re at our apartment that is.” He qualified. “Anywhere else is fine.”

“Ooooo…pretty…” Pinkie said, staring out into the flames, as she clung to Dan with a distant look plastered on her face.

“So!” Dan said with a smile. “This was fun! We should do it again sometime.”

Elise and Chris exchanged glances and shrugged.

“Sure Dan.” Chris said. “Maybe next time you can actually hit the dartboard and keep the pool balls on the table.” He said with a grin.

“Chris, a lesser man would take offense to that statement, but a lesser man probably wouldn’t have a girlfriend who bend’s people’s limbs in uncomfortable looking positions.” Dan replied, mirroring Chris’s smile.

Elise chuckled. “It was pretty fun, wasn’t it?”

“Yay.” Pinkie exclaimed quietly. “Funnerific…zzzzzzzzz…”

“Awww, she’s all mayhemed out.” Dan said, looking over his snoozing girlfriend affectionately as he gathered her into his arms.

“Well, we’ll get you two home.” Chris said. “Think you two can manage a few days without us around?” Chris asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dan rolled his eyes as he continued walking to the car, Pinkie clutched against his chest. “I’m sure we’ll be fine…”

***

“I GOT HER!” Dan insisted.

Elise chuckled. “Alright Dan, just get her into bed without dropping her, alright?” Elise said as she held the apartment door open.

“Thanks for that wonderful advice.” Dan responded sarcastically as he walked into the apartment.

Elise shook her head with a smile. “Goodnight, Dan.”

Dan merely grumbled a reply as he navigated his way through the dark apartment towards the bedroom.

 Elise closed the apartment door as Dan deposited the snoozing Pinkie Pie on the couple’s bed.

“Meow.”

Dan looked down at Mr. Mumbles as the furry, grey cat bounded up to him. “Awww, Did you miss us?” Dan asked as he picked up Mr. Mumbles.

“Hmmm…” Dan examined his cat closely in the darkness of the apartment only lit by what little streetlight could eke in.

“Are you wearing a black and red cape with a standup collar?” Dan asked as he reached for the light.

‘Click’

“GHAH!”

Much to his surprise, Dan found himself flailing his hand and protecting his face from dozen of bats that seemed to have infested the apartment, he quickly opened the bedroom window, allowing the bats to fly out.

Dan peered out of the bedroom as he noticed something was amiss.

Dan gasped. “Oh no…”

Dan walked over to a spot in front of the T.V. usually occupied by the couple’s video game system.

He leaned down to inspect the newly empty spot, finding a thin layer of dirt that sat in its place. He wiped an index finger through the dirt and brought it up to his mouth.

“Crypt dust…” He mumbled.

“…”

“Wait…A cape, bats…crypt dust?!”

He balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“VAMPIIIIIIIIREEEEEES!”
Dan Vs.VAMP…

“Hey, wait…” Dan said to himself.

Dan walked over to the bedroom and gently nudged Pinkie. “Hey! Goofball.”

“Hmmm…?” Pinkie murmured without opening her eyes.

“Could you maybe sleepily mumble out vampires?” Dan asked.

“…yawn…sure Dan…vaaaampiiiireeesssszzzzzzzzz…”

Dan & Pinkie Vs.VAMPIRES

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 60: Dan Vs. Vacation

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 60: Dan Vs. Vacation

****

“Come ON! Vampires! Stolen video game system! That’s got to be way better than some stupid vacation!” Dan said into his phone.

“Dan, I said no!” Chris responded.

“That’s it, you’re official out of my will!”

“You don’t have anything worth getting!”

“Foosball table! Hello?!”

“Here’s an idea, why don’t you just call a couple of your other friends to help you out this time?” Chris suggested.

“Ha ha,” Dan replied sarcastically, “like who?”

“Oh I don’t know…Crunchy, D.H., Ninja Dave, Pinkie mentioned you’ve met Becky a couple times…”

“I…” Dan paused and glanced through the bedroom door at his girlfriend who continued to snooze away in the couple’s bed.

“Dan?”

“Uh, nothing…I just didn’t realize I actually had a circle of friends.”

“…Do you…do you need a moment?” Chris asked.

“Chris, I still have plenty of time in the day to drive down there and stab you to death with blessed bayonets,” Dan threatened into the phone.

“…Do you, in fact, have blessed bayonets?” Chris asked flatly.

Dan picked up one of several dozen silver bayonets laying on his and Pinkie’s table by its brown grip. “I do!” He answered with a large, toothy grin. “I blessed them myself!” He stated.

“I thought you’d have to be a priest for that,” Chris stated.

Dan shrugged. “It worked for the holy water,” he answered.

“Uh…fair enough,” Chris responded. “Look Dan, I need to get going.  I’m sure you two can tell us all about your vampire hunt when we get back.”

“If we live or are not turned into bloodsucking minions of the night, you mean!” Dan countered.

“Dan, you two have taken out a Wendigo, a supervillain, and more radioactive creatures than I care to count, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Alright, but I’m not sharing any of my awesome vampire loot with you when this is all over!”

“I don’t think vampire are known for their ‘awesome loot’, but okay, see you in a few days, buddy.”

Dan sighed. “Yeah, alright, bye.” He terminated the call, then looked at his phone thoughtfully for a second and hit the screen a few times.

“Ninja Dave? Hey, I need your help with something…” Dan said into the phone. He paused as Dave replied then smiled wide. “Yes, actually. I need you to help kill some vampires.”

-

Ninja Dave stopped to process what Dan has just said. “…Dude, that is awesome! Count me in!...tonight? Sure, I’ll just close the shop down for the evening, it ain’t no thing…Great! See you then.”

-

Dan grinned to himself as he terminated the call. “One replacement down…one to go…”

**

Pinkie groggily came to her senses and took a quick glance at the digital clock sitting on the nightstand next to the bed.

Wow, someone really let me sleep in…

Pinkie took mental stock of her apparent physical wellbeing…

Okay…muscles, better, but still achy.

Head, I’ve had worse.

Temperature, nominal.

Shower…

‘Sniff’

…definitely.

“…Alight, Becky. See you tonight.”

Pinkie’s eye’s widened as she looked over to Dan as he terminated a call.

“D…Dan?!” She stammered out. “Did you just…did you just setup spending time with someone besides Chris?!” Pinkie asked as she jumped out of bed and excitedly bounded over to Dan, still clad only in her low-cut top and cut-off jean shorts.

Dan smiled. “Yep! Ninja Dave is on the roster for tonight, as well!”

Pinkie gasped and beamed from ear to ear. “Dan, that’s amazing!”

“Well, I am pretty amazing,” Dan replied with a grin. “I needed replacements for Chris and Elise, we’re killing vampires tonight.” Dan informed.

Pinkie’s smile dropped. “Wha…Dan! I don’t want to kill vampires! Can’t we just hang out or go watch a movie or something?”

“WHAT?!” Dan shouted. “Pinkie, I’m very disappointed in you!”

Pinkie’s expression changed to a pout. “Dan! I don’t feel well! Why do we need to go out and kill vampires, anyway?”

Dan paused. “Oh, right, you don’t know. Vampires stole our video game system.”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed shrilly. Pinkie’s eyes narrowed and the features on her face turned determined.

“Oh…”

“It”

“is”

“ON!”

A giant grin spread across Dan’s face. “That’s my girl,” He announced, putting his hands on Pinkie’s shoulders.  “Oh! And guess what! Our costumes arrived!”

Pinkie gasped. “SO WE GET TO DRESS UP AND KILL VAMPIRES TO GET OUR GAME SYSTEM BACK?! BEST NIGHT EVER!”

“Iknowright?!”

**

Twilight sighed as she put a forehoof up to her face, her Canterlot work space behind her.

Pinkie’s question of why Twilight was in Canterlot was easy enough to field. Twilight decided to treat herself and Rarity to a trip as a way of Twilight making things up to the white unicorn. The mirror came along as leaving it in the care of a non-unicorn was likely to get awkward fast.

Twilight knew any question she asked would get a strange answer, and had attempted to start as innocently as possible, but “What did you do yesterday?” already brought a tidal wave of strange answers to the conversation.

Twilight lowered her hoof and sighed, “Alright, well…why are you dressed like that?”

Pinkie pulled down her orange sun-glasses to peer over them with a grin and twirled to show off her charcoal suit, leather boots, red cravat, red overcoat, white gloves with a pentagram and other letting on them, and very wide brimmed, red, fedora.

“Neat, huh! I’m going to wear it while Dan and I go out to hunt vampires!” Pinkie explained.

Twilight’s ears perked up. “Vampires? Sounds dangerous.”

Pinkie shrugged. “Not any more than anything else we usually do.”

‘THUD’

“What was that?” Twilight called out as Pinkie turned in the direction of the bedroom doorway.

Dan’s loud yelling of obscenities made the answer quite clear.

“Dan? Are you alright?” Pinkie called.

From the living room, a loud, laborious trudging was heard, growing in volume until Dan appeared in the doorway. Wearing round glasses, black pants, black boots, a black shirt, a clerical collar, and a large grey, bulging priestly cassock over the lot of it.

“So…several dozen blessed bayonets? Really heavy.”

Pinkie rushed over to her boyfriend and helped him over towards the edge of the bed. “Oof, you weren’t kidding…” Pinkie said as she helped Dan along to the edge of the bed.

“Uh…have you considered not walking around with several dozen bayonets?” Twilight asked.

Dan shot her a glare “Quiet, Sparkler! We’re trying to do vampire hunting over here! I don’t tell you how to do your”—Dan glanced towards the ceiling and waved his hands about his face—“Stupid, purple, magic stuff do I?”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed.

<*>

“Sparklers, I’m bored! Entertain me!” Dan demanded as he walked into the bedroom.

A red, and white striped shirted Pinkie looked over from the bed along with Twilight and Rainbow Dash from the other side of the mirror as the two mares stood in Twilight’s library.

“Dan, do you mind?” Twilight asked in an irritated tone. “We’re trying to have a conversation here!”

“Pffft,” Dan waved his hand about dismissively, “You can do that anytime! Start blasting things with magic, already!”

Twilight gave an exasperated sigh and glanced at Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie smiled. “I’m always up for a magic show!” She replied enthusiastically.

“Yeah, Twilight! You should show off more!” Rainbow Dash insisted. “Blow him away with your awesome magic skills!”

“Oh, I’d like to blow him away, alright…” Twilight muttered under her breath.

“Less angry muttering, and more magic!” Dan insisted.

“Fine! Rainbow?”

Rainbow Dash began to hover in the air as she flapped her wings excitedly. “Do I get to play magician’s assistant? Oh, this is going to be so rad!”

Twilight’s horn glowed purple as did Rainbow’s muzzle. Soon, a large black mustache appeared on it.

“Ooooh, Aaaaah…” Pinkie muttered.

Rainbow looked down at her new facial hair. “Sweet!”

“Meh.” Dan said with a quick wave of his hand. “Hey! Make yourself look like Art Project!”

Twilight rolled her eyes as her horn and body began to glow purple. In a flash, her fur had turned light blue and her mane and tail turned rainbow colored.

“Ooooh, Aaaaah…” Pinkie muttered.

“OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh! You look sooo cool, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Dan smiled. “Great! Now make Art Project look like you!”

‘Pschowap’

In another purple flash, Rainbow’s mustache was gone, her fur had turned purple and her mane and tail had, likewise, changed purple with a light purple and violet streak going through them.

“Ooooh, Aaaaah…” Pinkie muttered.

R.D. looked over her new lavender color scheme. “Huh…you really are too purple, Twilight.”

“Hey!” Twilight protested.

“Uh…sorry.” Rainbow Dash continued to over in the air as she examined her body, tail, and limbs. “I’m just not used to all this…purple…”

“Awesome!” Dan commented. He grinned devilishly. “Now cover Art Project in garbage!”

“Huh?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “No! Wai…”

‘Pschowap’

With a glow of purple, rotten fruit and discarded paper products began to rain on Rainbow Dash out of a glowing, purple disk above her.

“Hehe…Ooooh…PFFFFT…AaaaaHAHAHAHAHA…” Pinkie exclaimed as she broke out into a fit of laughter, throwing herself back on the bed.

“WHAT THE HAY, TWILIGHT!?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed angrily as she shook a banana peel off her head.

“AH! Sorry!” Twilight said as she began to use her magic to levitate orange peels and apple cores off Rainbow Dash. “I wasn’t thinking!”

“Now THAT is entertainment!” Dan exclaimed with a wide grin.

“I am sooo going to make your life miserable if we ever meet in pony!” Rainbow vowed, glowering angrily at Dan as she pointed an angry forehoof at the mirror.

Pinkie continued to laugh hysterically.

“Pinkie!” said Twilight. “Stop encouraging him!”

“HeheheheHAHAHA…I know I shouldn’t,” Pinkie choked out in between laughing, “Haha…but…hehehe…it’s just so funny!”

*<

 “Speaking of your lame, purpley magic,” Dan began, “Can you magic me up a way to store all these weapons on me so I can walk around without looking like I devoured an entire buffet table?” Dan asked.

Twilight rubbed a forehoof against her chin. “Uh…a small pocket dimension spell would do it.” She commented. Her eyes narrowed slightly. “Though, I’m not really inclined to help you, here.”

“Sounds like some girly, purple, princess pony just can’t do it and is making up excuses!” Dan argued.

“What?” Twilight’s eyes narrowed further. “I can do it!” She insisted. “I just don’t want to!”

Pinkie quietly listened to the conversation, darting her eyes back and forth behind orange tinted glasses between the participants.

“Yeah! Sure, Sparklers.” Dan said sarcastically. “I bet you just don’t want people…er ponies to know you’re not the magic making super-star everyone thinks you are,” Dan said as he leveled an accusatory finger at the mirror.

“I can shot that spell across dimensions in a heartbeat!” Twilight insisted as her face began to flush red.

“Oh yeah?!” Dan counted. “Then do it!”

“Maybe I will!”

“Well, what’s stopin’ ya?!”

“NOTHING!”

“Then do it, already!”

“ALRIGHT THEN!” Twilight closed her eyes and her horn began to glow purple again, washing Pinkie and Dan in a lavender glow. Suddenly, she spread her wings and her eyes flew open, revealing that they, too, were glowing brightly with lavender energy.

A stream of magic shot from Twilight’s horn into the mirror then exited the other side hitting Dan. His outfit began to glow with the magic as it changed from a bulging mass around his body, to streamlined and form fitting.

“THERE!” Twilight exclaimed as the glow subsided and her eyes returned to normal.

Dan flashed Twilight a large, toothy grin.

Twilight’s eyes widened and ears flopped down as she smacked a forehoof against her face. “Why did I do that?”

“Wow! That was nifty-rifft, Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Uh, thanks Pinkie,” Twilight replied.

Dan reached a hand into his cassock and quickly pulled it back out. “OW!” He retracted his hand as a small trickle of blood formed on a few of his fingertips.

“Owie…” Pinkie said wincing. “Are you alright?”

“Fine,” Dan replied. He turned to Twilight. “How do I pull these things out without cutting myself?”

“Very carefully.” Twilight replied while rolling her eyes.

Dan shot Twilight a glare as he slowly reached his uncut hand into his cassock and tentatively pulled out a several foot long bayonet by its handle. “Hey! It works!”

Pinkie smiled. “Now what do we say to TwilighOWIE!” Pinkie exclaimed before rubbing her just pinched cheek.

“You talk to me like a child, I pinchy you!” Dan stated. “OW…” he murmured looking down at his cut fingers he had just used on Pinkie. “Anyhow, Thanks Sparklers. I’m sure I’ll reduce plenty of vampires to ash, now.”

“Huh?” Twilight exclaimed, surprised she was getting any sort of acknowledgement. “Uh, sure, no problem.” She paused. “Why are you guys fighting vampires, anyhow?”

“Oh! Well, they broke into our apartment and stole our video game system.” Pinkie explained.

Twilight paused “…That doesn’t make sense.”

“Sparkles! I’ve already done a thorough investigation! It has to be vampires!”

“How’d they get in without being invited?” Twilight asked.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged glances.

“Mr. Mumbles!” Dan called. “Did you invite any vampires into the house?!” He shouted in an accusatory tone.”

“Mew.”

“Huuuh…” Pinkie uttered.

“What she say?” Twilight asked.

“She said, ‘No.’” Pinkie grinned. “Maybe this calls for another set of eyeballs!”  In a pink and red flash, Pinkie dashed out of the room.

Dan looked back towards Twilight, “You ponies have vampires over there?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Twilight replied.

Dan thought about this for a second. “Fair enough.” he responded.

 “Found something!” Pinkie exclaimed as she bounded back into the room and sat on the bed next to Dan. She held up an ungloved hand, now shimmering faintly with glitter.

“Pinkie, that can be your glitter!” Dan countered.

“No way!” Pinkie insisted. “My glitter has much more pink and less green and tastes totally different.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight exclaimed. To her surprise, Dan leaned forward and quickly licked Pinkie’s hand without a second thought. “Bwaaaah?” Twilight uttered at the bizarre behavior, her eye twitching slightly.

Dan glanced up contemplatively up and clicked his tongue a few times. “You’re right Pinkie, it dose taste different from your glitter.” Dan pulled a slightly disgusted face. “It’s sickeningly sweet with a bitter aftertaste, and earthy…”

Twilight sighed. “I don’t even want to know…”

“…and vaguely…magical?” Dan added.

Pinkie licked her own hand and thought about. “Yep, that’s magic all right.”

“I got it!” Dan declared. “The vampires are in cahoots with a fairy or fairies!”

“Cahoots!” Pinkie exclaimed. “CAHOOOOOTS!” She giggled. “Hehe…cahoots…”

“You got that just from tasting glitter?” Twilight asked, cocking her head slightly.

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you just licked Pinkie’s hand!” Dan retorted.

“Why would I..? No, never mind…” Twilight replied shaking her head. “Pinkie hold up your hand for a second.”

Pinkie complied as Twilight’s horn glowed purple once more. Another small beam of lavender energy shot through the mirror, engulfed Pinkie’s hand briefly and retracted back into the mirror.

As the light from her horn dimmed. Twilight’s eyes narrowed a bit. “Huh, you’re right…” She stated. “There is some magic here…natural…yet dark…”

“See! I told you!” Dan responded. He stood up and started walking towards the door. “I better get some iron…”

Twilight and Pinkie followed Dan with their eyes as he exited.

“I suppose you want a magic coat, too?” Twilight asked Pinkie.

Pinkie smiled. “That’s okay Twilight, I’m not carrying around as much stuff as Dan…uh…there is one thing you can maybe do for me…” Pinkie began tentatively.

“Sure, Pinkie!” Twilight responded happily.

“Well…since you’re in Canterlot…could you maaaybe get Celestia to talk to me?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

Twilight paused. “Celestia?” She thought about this for a second. “Well, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind talking to you for a bit.” Twilight responded with a smile.

Pinkie beamed. “Thanks, Twilight!”

Twilight nodded with a smile. “No problem!” She glanced up towards the ceiling as her horn started to glow, in a purple flash, Twilight was gone.

Pinkie waited pensively for Twilight’s return. Thankfully, she didn’t have to wait long. Soon Twilight was back with the tall, alabaster alicorn.

Pinkie bowed her head as she saw Celestia on the other side of the mirror.

“That’s quite alright, my little pony.” Celestia said, her voice vaguely melodic. “Twilight says you wanted to speak to me?”

Pinkie looked up with a nervous smile. “Yes, your…er…princessness…It’s just that we’re going out to fight vampires, and…”

“Oh my, sounds dangerous.” Celestia said as her smile faded.

“Huh? Oh, we’ll be fine!” Pinkie insisted with a small smile. “It’s just…Dan’s doing all this blessing and chanting and things from his world to prepare for our fight, and since vampires are weak to the sun, I thought maybe…”

Celestia closed her eyes and smiled. “Say no more. Do you have a weapon or something you’re going to combat these creatures with?”

Pinkie reached into her coat and pulled out a large, pointed, wooden stake.

Celestia nodded. “That will do, hold it up for me.”

Pinkie complied, extending the stake towards the mirror.

Celestia’s horn began to glow brightly as did her eyes. Much like Twilight, she spread her wings out to their full span, soon her entire body was radiating light.

Even with her tinted glasses, Pinkie squinted at the brightness as warmth and sunlight emanated from the mirror.

The stake in her hand began to feel warm to the touch, and began to emanate a soft, orange and yellowish light.

The light began to dim on the other side of the mirror, returning the room to its normal level of illumination.

Pinkie grinned wide as she clutched the stake. As she did, she felt a warmth in her body that dulled the achiness into her muscles and cleared the fog from her head.

“Thanks, Princess Celestia!” Pinkie replied exuberantly.

Celestia nodded. “You are very welcome, my subject. That weapon should be very effective against your foe. Please don’t hesitate to ask for my assistance again, if needed.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “I won’t! Goodbye Princess! Goodbye Twilight!”

“Farewell!” Celestia responded with a nod.

“Bye, Pinkie!” Twilight said with a smile. “Don’t die…or become undead.” She added with a touch of concern.

“Thanks Twilight, we’ll be fine, I’m sure!” Pinkie responded with a smile.

In a purple flash, the word ‘MUTE’ appeared over the mirror.

Pinkie stepped over to her closet and slid the door, closing it.

She looked over her new, glowing weapon happily one last time and placed it in her jacket. The feeling of warmth increased and continued to permeate through her body, easily overpowering the feelings of discomfort she was feeling earlier.

“Perfect~!” She purred to herself. She reached back into her coat and pulled out a couple of items that resembled giant handguns, one silver, one black, both with large, cursive letters engraved across the barrels that extended a bit over a foot from the weapons grip.

“Now, let’s see what I can do to make these battle ready…” She cooed.

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 61: Dan & Pinkie Vs. LARPing

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 61: Dan & Pinkie Vs. LARPing

****

Pinkie held a tiny, thin screwdriver in her mouth and leaned her head down towards the collection of springs and rectangular metal pieces on the black table in front of her. She inserted the screwdriver into a tiny screw and rotated her head, repeating the process as necessary until the screw was tight.

Dan poked his head into the bedroom, looking over Pinkie as she sat at her folding table in front of her collection of tools, small metal bits, and her laptop. Pinkie sat on the couple’s bed in place of a chair, no doubt, due to the room’s limited space.

“Hey, goofball. I got my iron swords cooling, do you need anything smelted or reworked or…” Dan paused as he took a closer look at what Pinkie was doing.

“WI’m gwood,” Pinkie replied, screwdriver still in mouth.

“Are those…are those real silver bullets?!” Dan asked motioning out to a pile of pointed, cylindrical objects on the black table.

Pinkie removed the screwdriver from her mouth and placed it on the table. “Yepper!”

“Where did you get them?!”

Pinkie shrugged. “The internet, I special ordered them a while ago when it seemed a possibility I could be eaten by a werewolf here.”

 “Are you…are you modifying your props to fire real bullets?!” Dan asked in disbelief.

“Well d’uh!” Pinkie replied. “I mean, I don’t think I could lift two weapons that were over 10 kilo-grams each or anything, but I can’t just go around pistol whipping vampires or firing airsoft pellets at them.”

“Do you even know how to use of those things!?” Dan asked, the disbelief in his tone increasing.

“Sure!” Pinkie replied with a grin. “I mean, we live next door to a shooting range, and Elise took me out shooting a few times because she thought I might need some protection given how bad this neighborhood hood is…also, I think, maybe there was some subtle encouragement to start keeping you in line with a gun…” Pinkie added, tapping an index finger against her cheek.

The normally enraging comment was lost on Dan as he continued to process everything else Pinkie was saying.

“How do you even know to do all this?!” Dan asked.

“Oh, you know…you look up a few things on the internet, you take a few guns apart. I can make rockets, gyrocopters, and party welcome wagons and stuff…it’s not such a big deal if you’re mostly taking parts out of other weapons and…”

Pinkie’s words began to fall on deaf ears as Dan stood transfixed by the pink, curly haired woman in front of him. What little working brain function Dan still had fell away. Concepts like ‘vampires’, ‘stolen video games systems’, and ‘unwelcome fairies’ left and he had only one thought of any coherence.

There was simply too much space, and far, far too many layers of clothing in between him and the woman in front of him.

“…and the longer barrels mean higher muzzle velocity as well as the extra benefit of the increased weight reducing the kick, andMMMMPHPGH?! MMMMGHPGH! Mmghph? Mmmmm…” Pinkie uttered as Dan covered her mouth with his and her startled, muffled cries quickly changed to content, gentle hums.

Soon, Pinkie also forgot about anything else she was working on, deciding instead to reciprocate the kiss and the act of removing her lover’s outfit from his body.

**

“Hmmm…” Pinkie examined herself in the passenger’s side vanity mirror as she attempted to tame the disheveled mass of curls that made up her hair back to merely ‘unruly’ status with a hair brush.

“Do you ever wonder if maybe you and I aren’t all that great at setting priorities?” Pinkie asked as she continued to groom herself in the mirror.

“What are you talking about?!” Dan replied in a shocked tone as he drove. “We’re awesome!” He insisted, flinging a hand out into open space.

Pinkie giggled. “Well, obviously! Just look at us!” Pinkie said, as she motioned out to the couple’s outfits. “I just wonder if just maybe, you and I are prone to distraction and getting caught up in things that maybe aren’t all that important, and if we just sat and thought about it, we could probably, totally change our lives and things would be a bit quieter and we could even live in more than a tiny three room apartment and not get tied up in dangerous adventures every few days.”

“Hey!” Dan explained pointing outside. “Shaved ice stand!” He turned to Pinkie. “Want one?”

“DO I?!” Pinkie exclaimed exuberantly.

*

“So…” Dan began as he looked up from his massive, colorful pile of ice in front of him, “you were saying something?”

Pinkie paused, looking up from her equally massive, colorful pile of ice in front of her and smiled. “I say a lot of things!”

***

“Question.”

Dan sighed. “I keep on telling you, Ninja Dave, it’s not a dress, it’s a ‘habit’ it’s what nuns wear.”

Ninja Dave frowned from the backseat of the car, wearing large, round glasses and a black and white nun’s habit. “Second question.”

“It’s what Yumie wears!” Pinkie replied. “Dan and I are in costume! You and Becky have to be, too!” She insisted.

“Third question.”

“It was supposed to be Elise’s,” Pinkie responded. “But she’s on vacation and it needed to go with someone who could use a sword.”

Ninja Dave sighed.

“Fourth question.”

Dan and Pinkie paused and glanced at each other.

“Huh, we haven’t got this far yet…” Dan mumbled. “Uh, okay, what?”

“Why is the cat dressed up?”

“Meow,” Mr. Mumbles replied from her perch, wearing a cat sized dark blue blazer, white buttoned shirt, and red bow tie.

“That is Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing and she is our hated arch-rival!” Dan said in a tone half irritation, half informational.

“Wait…I thought my arch-rivals where vampires?” Dave replied, glancing towards the car ceiling and rubbing the pommel of his katana against his cheek.

“No, our sworn enemy are the undead or anything that’s an affront to God.” Becky informed from the seat across from Dave, dressed in clothing fairly similar to Dan’s but black in color for the most part. “See, Sir Integra is the Protestant leader of our equivalent organization, and we, as fanatical Catholics, find her views and willingness to use a horribly, bloodthirsty killer, like Alucard, erm…That’s Pinkie...”

Pinkie waved a white gloved hand from the passenger seat.

 “…deplorable.” Becky finished.

“See! Becky gets it!” Dan said.

Dave sighed. “I’m glad someone does…”

Becky chuckled. “Who do you think got them into Hellsing in the first place?”

“Alright, well…do we have to fight each other at some point?”

Dan and Pinkie paused and looked at each other.

“I hope not!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Alright, fifth question.”

“I think you might be on six after the Vampire question.” Dan replied.

Ninja Dave rolled his eyes behind his glasses. “Are you always this pedantic?” Dave asked Dan.

“Yes.” Pinkie confirmed.

“Fine, sixth question.”

“You just asked your sixth.” Pinkie reminded.

“GAH!” Dave uttered in frustration. “Dudes, you’re killing me over here. Seventh question.”

The car was silent.

“Yes?” Dan asked.

“Why is there a crate…and why is it dressed up, and covered in silver wire?” Dan said, motioning out to the crate in the middle seat that was dressed in a black vest, white shirt, and red tie all wrapped in a large amount of silver wire that Mr. Mumbles sat atop of.

Pinkie paused, “That was three questions.”

Dave’s eye began to twitch. “Alright…seventh, eighth, and ninth question, then…”

“Cratey is here since we already got an outfit for Chris, and needed a Walter.” Pinkie answered. “Uh…I guess that also answers question eight...He’s covered in silver wire because he has no arms or hands, or limbs of any sorts…you know ‘cause he’s a crate.”

“Yeah, I totally get it.”

“See, crates don’t really have appendages.” Pinkie added.

Dave sighed. “Tenth question, what are we going to do with the crate?”

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie responded excitedly, turning towards Dave. “Dan and I brought a wagon and loaded it with a tiny catapult so we could hurl Cratey at out undead enemies! They’re going to be all like, ‘What’s that crate doing on that wagon?’”  Pinkie held up her hands and put on a surprised expression. “And then we pull the little lever on the catapult and suddenly they’ll all be like ‘Oh no! That crate is coming right for us!’ And then POW!” Pinkie slammed a fist into an open palm for effect. “And then some vampire is going to all be like,” Pinkie put her hands on her cheeks “Ahh! I just got hit by a crate covered in silver wire and it burns!”

“Uh…alright, so…Eleventh question.”

“Geesh!” Dan exclaimed. “You’re really going for the high score here!”

“I’ve never gone out with you guys before!” Dave protested. “Just trying sort this all out.”

Dan gave a heavy sigh. “Fine! Eleventh question…”

“Where are we going, exactly?”

“Becky may have a lead for us.” Pinkie explained. “She says she knows where lots of vampires hang out!” She added cheerily.

Dave leaned forward and looked at Becky past the crate. “Really? That’s pretty awesome.”

“Well, they’re not real vampires.” Becky admitted. “They just like pretending to be vampires, but a few of them are pretty into it, and a bit on the strange side. I figured maybe someone there knows something.”

Dave paused. “So let me get this straight, we’re going to shake down some dudes….”

“And girls!” Becky protested forcefully. “Lots of girls LARP, too.”

“Uh…sure.” Dave continued, “We’re just going to shake down some people who like to pretend their vampires in the hopes they know something.”

“Yep!” Dan replied. “And here we are!” He added quickly parking the car and unbuckling his seat belt. “Come along, Pinkie! Let’s get those vampire wannabes to cough up what they know!” Dan quickly exited the car.

“Yay! Butt-kicking for goodness!” Pinkie replied enthusiastically as she followed Dan.

Dave and Becky paused as Dan and Pinkie sprinted towards a large group of people who were congregating around a number of outside tables with umbrellas above them.

Dave and Becky shot each other a worried glance.

“Uh…we should so probably stop them.” Dave suggested.

Becky nodded. “Definitely.”

The two exited the car, perusing the excited and somewhat unhinged couple towards the group.

 “Alright, ye want tae be undied mongrels!” Dan shouted in his best Scottish accident as he approached the group. “Ah come tae fetch mah video gam system. Confess th' location ay yer masters sae 'at we main rain doon God’s holy judgment upon them!”

“…Totally!” Pinkie added.

A concerned looking, bald man in a black vest and white button up shirt quickly parted from the group. “Uh, hey. I’m the storyteller here, the big hunter meetup isn’t until next week!”

“Storyteller, eh?” Dan flashed the man a wide grin of pointed teeth. “Perhaps ye can teel me a story abit whaur tae fin' th' real vampires.”

The man paused and gave Dan a perplexed look. “Real Vampires?”

“Aye, that's whit Ah said.”

Dave and Becky quickly ran up.

“Phew,” Becky said, “no violence.”

“Yet, you mean.” Dave added.

“I’ll take care of this.” A woman with long, blonde hair, and a long black dress declared with a smug.

“Oh, this can’t be good…” Dave uttered.

To his surprise, Becky extended a white gloved hand to stop him.

Dave looked down to see Becky glaring at the woman that approached Dan.

“You want to fight hunter, I’ll be more than happy to send you to the afterlife.”

Dan continued to grin. “If that’s whit it takes, lassie. I'll send ye straecht tae Heel.”

The man who identified himself as the storyteller sighed. “Alright, physical challenge issued and accepted.” He produced a small stack of playing cards and held them out for Dan.

Dan looked at the cards quizzically then the storyteller. He grabbed the top card and looked at it, grinned and held it up. “Ha! Th’ ace ay spades! Beat ‘at, draculina want tae be.”

“Uh, that’s an automatic failure.” The story teller informed.

“WHAT?!” Dan exclaimed slipping out of his Scottish accent. “In what world is drawing the ace of spades a bad thing?!”

The blond haired woman drew a card from the deck, glanced at it, and smugly held it up for everyone to see.

“Ten,” The storyteller said. “Automatic success.”

Dan paused. “Yeah…we’re not doing this. Pinkie, trounce blondie over here.” Dan commanded, motioning out to the blond woman with his thumb.

“Wheee!” Pinkie exclaimed as she gleefully tackled the woman in the black dress.

“AHHH!” The woman screamed in alarm as Pinkie quickly rained violence upon her.

“No physical contact! NO PHYSICAL CONTACT!” The storyteller exclaimed in a panicked tone.

**

Dan, Pinkie, Becky, Ninja Dave, Mr. Mumbles, and Cratey sat quietly in the car as Dan drove down the road. Streetlight entered the vehicle and quickly left over and over again as the car made its way down the street.

Dan sat calmly in the driver’s seat, quietly humming to himself as the car sped along.

Pinkie sat with her face covered in her hands.

Becky looked out the window, her face flushed red.

Dave sullenly stared forward.

Mr. Mumbles simply sat on top of Cratey.

Cratey…continued to be a crate.

Dave decided to break the silence. “So uh…who wants to discuss what went wrong back there?!”  He said in an irritable tone.

“Ninja Dave, all this negativity is not good for the group.” Dan replied.

“I just think, as a group of dudes and dudettes, we should be able to discuss when a plan goes totally, completely wrong.” Dave responded.

Dan sighed. “You’re worse than Chris. FINE, big baby, let’s all hear what you thought could have been better.” Dan replied in a slightly mocking, sing-song tone.

“First off, Pinkie assaulted someone.” Dave said.

Pinkie flinched. “I said I was sorry!” She said from behind her hands.

“I’m still not convinced that’s a bad thing.” Dan answered flatly.

“Don’t worry about it Pinkie.” Becky said. “Debbie’s a snob, and she and the storyteller totally have that deck rigged.”

“That’s another thing.” Dave said, turning towards Becky. “Why did you let that go down?”

Becky shrugged. “What! Debbie really is a snob! I mean…okay, maybe I didn’t mean for her to get pummeled, but I figured we could at least rustle some jimmies amongst the vampire group.”

Dave paused and thought about this. “Wait, is this some strange, nerd turf war thing?”

“Uh…” Becky trailed off.

“Becky, is there something you’d like to share with the group?” Dan asked.

The car went silent as Becky fidgeted nervously. “…I GO LARPING AS A VAMPIRE HUNTER!” Becky admitted.

The car went silent once ag…

“NEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROWW!”

Dan rubbed his arm as Pinkie retracted her fist.

“Dan, you’re dressed as a vampire hunter! You’re not really in a position to be mean here,” Pinkie pointed out.

“Uh…right, fair enough,” Dan replied.

“Really, Pinkie wasn’t as bad as the real wildcat here,” Dave continued.

“Yeah, Cratey!” Dan exclaimed, glancing towards the middle-back seat. “Way to lose your head!”

“Dan, Cratey doesn’t have a head.” Pinkie informed. “He’s a crate.”

“That’s not…” Dan sighed.

“Actually, I meant Mr. Mumbles.”

“RRROWR, HISSS” Mr. Mumbles replied, swiping at the air in between her and Dave.

“Oh, the story teller will be fine...” Dan insisted. “I mean…his clothes will need to be swapped out for ones not completely shredded by an angry cat, but the scratches will heal up okay.”

“Why’d you go back for Cratey, anyways, dude?” Dave asked Dan.

Dan shrugged raising a hand off the wheel and turning it palm up. “I thought Pinkie could use the assist! Hey! Here’s an idea! Let’s talk about what went right back there!” Dan said. “I’ll start…First off, Pinkie assaulted someone!”

“What?!” Dave exclaimed. “No, dude! You can’t just take what I said and flip it around like that.”

“I second that it was a good thing!” Becky chimed in.

“Meow!”

“Awwww, thanks guys!” Pinkie said, her mood brightening visibly.

“Wow.” Dave uttered looking over at Becky. “You really don’t like that girl.”

“I do not.” Becky agreed flatly.

“Also,” Dan continued, “we got away before the cops showed up…or anyone could take down my license plate!”

Pinkie nodded. “Always a good thing!”

“We’re also wearing costumes, so it’s unlikely anyone will be able to identify us!” Dan added.

“Doubly good thing!” Pinkie agreed.

“And, we’re stopping for pizza!” Dan concluded.

“Yay! Pizza!” Pinkie exclaimed, clapping her hands.

“I second the motion for pizza!” Becky exclaimed.

Dave sighed. “Thirded.”

**

“So, this is what you guys do?” Ninja Dave asked as the six would be vampire hunters sat at a booth. “Go out, cause mayhem, grab a bite to eat, and go out and do it again?”

“Yepper!” Pinkie replied.

“Pretty much, yeah.” Dan agreed.

A waiter came by and dropped off a few pizzas at the tables, sliding a small, cheeseless pizza in front of Dan that was loaded with meat and garlic.

Pinkie’s seemed to have every topping imaginable, including extra garlic.

A mustachioed Mr. Mumbles hopped onto the table and began nibbling on a pizza loaded with anchovies.

Becky and Ninja Dave’s pizzas, by contrast, were fairly average looking.

“Wow dudes, did you two get enough garlic?” Ninja Dave asked Pinkie and Dan.

“What? We’re fighting vampires!” Dan insisted before he drenched his pizza in hot sauce.

 Dan passed the bottle to Pinkie who followed suit drowning her pizza.

“So…what now, dudes?” Dave asked.

Dan thought about this as he took a bite of pizza and swallowed. “We need to think like a vampire.” He motioned out to Becky. “Becky, you’ve fought their ilk before, where do you think they would hide?”

“Fake fought them you mean.” Dave stressed.

Pinkie swallowed a large bite of pizza. “N.D., no one likes a Negative Nancy.”

Dave sighed. “Right, sorry dudes.”

“Well…A vampire coven usually lives in a crypt or catacombs. Some place where you could keep a bunch of coffins without arousing suspicion.” Becky answered.

“Too bad there’s no place like that in L.A.” Dave replied.

Dan chuckled. “Sounds like someone needs to brush up on their history! In 1933, a Hopi Chief by the name of Little Green Leaf told Mining engineer W. Warren Shufelt about a subterranean city built by Lizard People the resides underground downtown L.A.”

“…You’re totally making this up.” Dave retorted.

“AM NOT!” Dan retorted angrily. “Anyhow, the catacombs are in the shape of a giant lizard and extend from Dodger’s Stadium to the Central Library. My guess, is the vampires have overrun the lizard people and taken over the area for their nefarious, bloodsucking plans.”

The group paused.

Dave broke the silence. “Dude, there is so much wrong with that statement! For starters, there aren’t even any catacombs!”

“Just because no one found them, doesn’t mean they’re not there!” Dan stated.

“Mmm-hmmm!” Pinkie nodded in agreement, her cheeks full of pizza.

“Dan, I’m sorry, but there is just no way this place exists!”

“Oh yeah?” Dan retorted angrily. “I wager a month worth of cupcakes and muffins against a month worth of cookies that it does!”

“…You won’t sabotage any of the cupcakes or muffins?” Dave asked.

“Well, on the off chance that I’m wrong…which I’m NOT” Dan stressed. “Are you joking? Pinkie would beat me senseless if I purposely rendered baked goods inedible.”

Pinkie giggled and wrapped her arms around Dan. “I really would!” She confirmed.

Dave thought about this briefly. “Fine, dude! You got a deal. There’s just no way I’ll be able to believe there’s a giant, underground series of tunnels and catacombs under downtown L.A.” He declared, forming an ‘X’ with his arms in front of his chest and quickly motioning out with them.

-ooooo-

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THERE’S A GIANT, UNDERGROUND SERIES OF TUNNELS AND CATACOMBS UNDER DOWNTOWN L.A!” Dave exclaimed, as he threw his arms out at the giant, underground tunnel that branched off into a series of smaller tunnels and catacombs (which were also under downtown L.A.).

“Looks like someone is going to get to eat his fill of chewy-chipsters for a month!” Dan sang out.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!” Pinkie exclaimed as she slid through a steep tunnel above and exited safely out of a hole in the tunnel walls, a red wagon caring Cratey and Mr. Mumbles right behind her.

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!” Becky cried as she slid through the same tunnel.

Pinkie quickly moved the wagon out of the way, and grabbed Becky as she neared the exit, ensuring Becky had a safe landing.

“Thanks, Pinkie.” Becky said as Pinkie helped her to her feet. Becky quickly slung a black satchel around her body.

“Sure! No problem.” Pinkie replied.

“So, we have a plan, dudes?” Dave asked.

“Yeah, we march down these tunnels, kick undead butt, and get out game system back!” Dan declared.

“I like it!” Pinkie declared. “It’s dynamic, straight forward, and we kick butt!”

Becky smiled. “Sounds good to me.”

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbled mewed.

“…” Cratey said, or rather didn’t, as Cratey is a crate and all.

Dave chuckled. “Alright dudes and dudettes, let’s do this!”

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 62: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Tunnels

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 62: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Tunnels

*****

“This wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be…” Dave muttered as the group trudged through an underground tunnel. The walls were round and covered with smooth bumps, almost as if the caverns had been slowly eroded away rather than dug.

“Oh, there you go with that negativity again!” Dan replied in a slightly angry, rather irate tone. “It’s always ‘Why am I dressed like a nun?’ or ‘Stop force feeding that man playing cards!’ or ‘We already broke into the library, why are you throwing bricks through the rest of the windows?’” He said, staring up at the tunnel walls as he flung his hands out back and forth.

“Dan’s blatantly illegal activities aside, you have been a bit of a buzz-kill, dude.” Becky commented. “I mean, on the bright side, the tunnel walls are all lined with LED torches for some inexplicable reason.” She said motioning out to the tunnel walls which were, in fact, lined with lamps made to resemble torches that each glowed dimly with a small LED light.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe, bright side…”

“Well, if there’s a fairy or other creatures who don’t see well in the dark, you wouldn’t exactly want to line the walls with fire. I mean, given that it’s one of the few things that can kill a vampire.” Dan reasoned.

“Oh, good point!” Becky replied. “Wait, fairy?”

“Dan and I licked glitter until we figured out the vampire’s where in league with a fairy or faeries!” Pinkie informed happily.

“Uh, right…of course…” Becky replied as she shot Pinkie a weary look.

“So, speaking of flagrantly illegal activities,” Dave began, “why are you so totally blasé about all this?” He asked Becky.

“My dad’s a barber, which I guess mean’s he’s also part of a secret society that occasionally kills people.” Becky answers.

“Or fails to kill people if they lose a haircut challenge!” Dan stated with a grin.

Becky shot Dan a quick glare and continued, “So, I can deal with a little property damage and assault.” Beck paused, “…You?” She asked Dave.

“Well, I was a ninja before I came baker…so breaking and entering and murdering people from the shadows was sorta my thing.” Dave replied.

“Or failing to murder people when you have lactose free milk thrown at you!” Dan stated with another grin.

Dave also shot Dan a glare.

“You’re an ex-ninja?!” Becky exclaimed. “Dude, that is so cool!”

Dave’s face brightened a bit at the compliment.

“And I don’t mind so much,” Pinkie interjected cheerfully, “because your world, and all its painful horribleness, has slowly crushed my resolve until much of my moral framework is a shattered, burning husk of its former self! Wheeeeeee!”

Dave and Becky turned to Pinkie with a collective look of concern.

“Aww, ain’t she adorable?” Dan asked, as he affectionately pinched Pinkie’s cheek.

“Swee Ninja Dwave,” Pinkie began as Dan continued to pull on her cheek, “Iwf I can mwaintwain a haffy, goo lucky attitwude dispwite soul crushing hwardshifps, I bwet you’ll fwind thwings awren’t swo bwad!” Pinkie giggled and playfully swatted Dan’s hand away from her face.

Dave sighed. “Sorry, I just thought hunting vampire would mean more, you know…killing vampires.”

 “Don’t worry, Davey!” Pinkie said. “I bet the vampires are just shy!” Pinkie looked down the long, dim tunnel and called out, “Olly-olly-oxen-free!”

She listened and grinned as her echo bounced off the walls down the tunnel. “Echo!” She called, once again listening to the sounds of her own voice in the cavern.

“Pinkie, stoptrying to make nice with the vampires we haven’t met yet and are going to kill!” Dan demanded.

“Maybe we don’t have to kill them! I mean, we didn’t exactly have to beat up those people playing dress up…” Pinkie said with a touch of remorse.  Maybe we can make friends with them and just ask for our system back!” Pinkie suggested cheerfully.

“Well that’s totally no fun.” Dave said.

“Yeah, I’m with Ninja Dave with this.” Becky said.

“Merow!”

“…”

“Pinkie, do you remember the last time you tried to make friend with a bloodthirsty, supernatural beast?” Dan asked an in irritated tone.

“Okay, well…that was painful and dumb.” Pinkie admitted. “But just because one supernatural creature with an insatiably hunger for human flesh and or fluids was mean and nasty doesn’t mean they all are!”

“Pinkie, if you didn’t come here to kill vampires,” Becky began, “why’d you show up with silver bullets and give me a gun that shoots holy water and another that shoots silver pellets?”

“Don’t forget my shiny, silver plated katana, you guys gave me.” Dave added, holding up his sword and pulling it out of the scabbard slightly causing the bright metal to glint a bit in the dim light.

“Well, I figure all our weapons are like condoms: I’d rather have them and not need them the not have them and find out I don’t have my ultra-super emergency balloon supply!” Pinkie replied.

“I…what?” Becky asked as her face contorted in confusion.

Dan quickly motioned out with his hands in a ‘No! Stop!’ fashion. “Don’t get her started! She’s made a game of buying things she’s never seen before and finding uses from them.” He explained. “Seeing spaghetti strained with an athletic cup? Really, really weird…” He said as he trailed off.

Dave turned to Becky. “Have you figured out when they’re joking or not yet?”

Becky turned to Dave. “It’s starting to dawn on me that maybe they’re never joking.”

Dave shuttered slightly. “There’s a thought…”

“Come on, Dan! We can at least try being friendly!” Pinkie insisted. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

“You mean besides having our bodies drained of fluids or being turned into an undead servant of the night?” Dan suggested.

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Oh sure, you bring that up!”

Dan sighed. “Pinkie, I love you, but you can’t go through life as an optimistic jelly-fish.” Dan paused. “How was that?”

“Uh…I’d give it a seven.” Pinkie replied with a shrug.

“Look! If we keep searching, and don’t do anything stupid like split up, or touch strange things, or sing a dumb song about making friends with vampires…”

Pinkie immediately depleted the area in front of her mouth of oxygen. “That’s a great idea…”

Dan smacked a palm against his face and sighed. “Really, it’s my fault for letting her outside…” He muttered to himself.

“Oooooooh! When you’re searching for the undead”

“And you’re decked out in some new threads”

“Don’t be afraid to make some new friends”

“Instead of setting out to evil cleanse!”

“Though these tunnels are very long”

“and they say making vampire friends is wrong”

“just keep an open mind”

“and I’m sure that you will find”

“that monsters can be quite nice”

“and you can make them think twice”

“About sucking on your neck”

“So I say, hey now what the heck?”

“Let’s do a little dance”

“and give friendship a chance!”

“You can hang out with some vampires!”

“And sing songs at the campfire!”

“So let’s make amends”

“Then we’ll all be friends.”

“And no will have to die.”

“So come sing along with Pinkie Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!”

“Yeah!” Pinkie finished as she threw her gloved hands out and up.

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed cheerfully.

“…”

Pinkie turned her head from side to side, looked behind her, looked up, looked down, checked in her jacket, and took off her hat and peered inside.

Pinkie put her hat back on her head. “Dan? Becky? N.D? …Are we playing hide and seek in the tunnels now?” She called into the empty dimness of the underground cavern.

“Hellllooooooooooo..?” Pinkie shouted out.

Only Pinkie’s echo answered her in the dimness of the underground tunnels.

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 63: Dan Vs. Fairy

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 63: Dan Vs. Fairy

*****

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Dan, Dave, and Becky all cried in alarm as they flew down a narrow pitch-black slide. The only light was the light they were heading to at a rapid pace.

“Ninja Dave!” Dan called out. “Use your ninja powers to teleport us to safety!”

“SINCE WHEN DO NINJA’S TELEPORT?!”

“GAH! USELESS! AT LEAST IF CHRIS WAS HERE…”

‘THUD!’

“…OOFFF!”

“GawOoff!”

“WhaaaOoofff!”

The small tunnel ended abruptly, spitting Dan out to the hard ground followed by Dave and Becky on top of him.

“…he’d be the one to hit the ground first…” Dan uttered painfully from under the people pile.

Ninja Dave quickly got up to his feet, and reached for Becky’s arms, pulling her up with him.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

Becky smiled back at him as Ninja Dave held her arms. “Yeah, I think I am.”

“Helloooo?” Dan called from the ground, raising an index finger into the air. “Still lying on the cold, hard ground after being crushed by you two idiots.”

Becky and Dave helped Dan to his feet.

“Okay, Becky…” Dan began, “I know you’re kinda new to all this, but what part of ‘don’t touch strange things’ didn’t you understand!?” Dan roared out.

“Well, how was I supposed to know it was some sort of trap door rock?!” Becky responded.

“Listen nimrod, it’s an underground gave that’s been populated by lizard people and Vampires!” Dan replied. “You should assume everything is some sort of trap!”

“Okay, okay!” Becky replied putting her hands up defensively. “I’m sorry, geez.”

“Dude, you don’t need to be so hard on her.” Dave said.

Dan sighed. “Fine, whatever. Let’s just find Pinkie. She’s pretty much completely lost without me around. No doubt she’s huddled in a dark corner somewhere sobbing hysterically…”

*

“WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“Meerrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww!”

“…”

Pinkie flew down a narrow pitch-black slide riding in the wagon in front of Cratey. Mr. Mumbles clung to her shoulder as Pinkie held onto her hat with one hand and raised her other arm up and gleefully expressed her excitement as the red wagon continued its rapid decent towards an unknown destination.

‘Kuthunk’

“WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Pinkie continued to cheer as the wagon hit the ground and sailed down another dimly lit tunnel.

*

“OpenShutOpenShutOpenShutOpenShut!”

Pinkie gleefully pulled on one of the lamps as a hidden door next to it slid up and down with every pull.

*

“Ooowhoaaahooowhoaaahooowhoaaahooowhoaaahooowhoaaahooo…”

“Meeeerooooweeerooooweeerooooweeerooooweeerooooweeeroooo…”

Mr. Mumble clung shoulder once more as Pinkie as she worked another lamp back and forth, causing a platform under her to spin rapidly.

*

‘RumbleRumbleRumbleRumbleRumbleRumble’

“BoulderBoulderBoulderBoulderBoulder…”

Pinkie happily ran on top of a bolder as it rolled uncontrolled down the passage road.

*

“Alright, dude. Let’s go find your girlfriend and cat.” Dave said as he adjusted his costume glasses.

“And my crate.” Dan added.

Dave rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure…”

“Look no further!” A voice called out cheerfully.

Dan quickly found slender feminine hands with pink nail polish slide across his chest as red coat clothed arms wrapped around him from behind.

Becky and Dave breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey Pinkie,” Becky began, “You’re alrigh…”

‘Shiiiiing’

“AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Becky and Dave’s jaw dropped as they watched Dan pull one of his bayonets out of his cassock and thrust it into one of the arms around his torso.

“DAN?! WHAT THE HELL?!” Becky cried.

"That isn’t Pinkie.” Dan stated simply. He easily shimmied out of the woman’s embrace, put a little distance between himself and her, and turned.

The pink, curly hair, red coat and hat, and other clothing quickly faded and changed into long, dark red hair, a long, elegant black dress that hugged an unusually slim figure. Piercing silver eyes sat in an attractive face of pale skin and slightly pointed ears. The woman stood only about an inch taller than Dan, but held herself in a manner that drew attention to her presence.

She calmly pulled the bayonet out of her arm and let it clatter to the floor.

“Goodness, that was quick.” She said as she smirked at Dan. “Usually my interests are in far, far too deep before they suspect anything is amiss, and no one has ever seen through my disguise immediately. I’m impressed human.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Really? I mean, you forgot to give yourself gloves.”

The woman chuckled and flicked a pink nail polished hand up, holding it up at face level. Almost identical to Pinkie’s hand with the addition of a few golden rings on the fingers. “What, and hide these cute, little digits?”

“That’s another thing,” Dan continued, “Your nail polish is a shade off from Pinkie’s.”

The woman’s eyes widened. “Goodness, you are observant.”

“Pinkie also smells nicer than you.” Dan added.

The redhead shot a glare at Dan and her lips twitched into a slight frown. “Okay, now you’re just being mean.”

“Mean nothing, lady. You smell like crypt and,” Dan shuttered, “nature, which is even worse. Also,” Dan continued, “Pinkie would never say ‘look no further’, if anything, she’d cover my eyes and make me play ‘Guess Who?’.

The woman paused and broke into laughter. “Hahahaha, my, my, you are either the bravest or the dumbest human I’ve ever met.” She grinned slyly at Dan. “You really have no idea whom you’re dealing with, do you?”

Dan closed his eyes and raised a hand to his forehead and began to massage the sides of it with his thumb and forefinger. “Are all fairies this mouthy?” He opened his eyes as he held his hand in place. “’Cause I got a girlfriend to go find and we can either do this the easy way or the way where I stab you in the mouth until you stop talking.”

The fairy blinked. “You’ve done your homework, I see. I’m beginning to see why his immortal pomposity wants you for his brood so much.”

“Uh…Dan?” Dave asked. “Should we be doing something?” Dave asked.

The fairy frowned at the interruption and her eyes flashed with silver light, causing Dan’s, Dave’s, and Becky’s to do the same.

“HE should stay and chat some more. You two can please go kill yourselves.” The fae commanded.

With brightened, glazed over eyes, Ninja Dave wordless held the scabbard of his katana and pulled the handle up as Becky reached into her satchel.

‘vzzzzt’

The fairy shrieked again as a Bayonet sunk into her thigh, courtesy of Dan throwing it.

Dan turned to Becky and Dave as their eyes cleared and they began to look around with confused expressions on their faces. “Could you two, oh I don’t know, maybe go and look for Pinkie instead of stupidly killing yourselves at a fairy’s whims!?” Dan growled out.

“Uh, sure Dan…” Becky replied.

“DAN! BEHIND…”

“GHAK!” Dan cried as a dagger was inserted into his shoulder.

“…You…” Dave finished too late.

The fairy, made an irritated grunt as she reached for the bayonet in her leg.

‘vzzzzt’

The fairy screamed half in pain, half in irritation as Dan gave her uninjured leg a matching bayonet.

“AHHHH!” She yelled, grimacing and motioning to the first bayonet, following this up with a second “AHHHH!” as she mirrored the motion on the next leg.

“So anyways,” Dan continued, climbing back to his feet and dusting himself off, “You two nimrods should blow, you’re just going to get in the way it seems.”

“HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO STAND?!” The fairy shrieked. “The poison on that blade should have left you in agony!”

Dan turned to the dagger sticking out of his shoulder and winced slightly as he pulled it out, a thin layer of blood coating the tip. “Is that what the unpleasant itchy sensation is all about? Lady, I’ve dealt with tear gas worse than this.”

“Dan?” Becky called out tentatively.

“WHY ARE YOU TWO STILL HERE?!” Dan shouted angrily as he glanced behind him.

Becky paused and smiled. “Kick her skinny ass.”

Dan smirked. “That’s the plan! Now go!”

Dave and Becky began to book it down the long, dim tunnel.

“Good luck, dude!” Dave called.

The fae pulled the bayonets out of her legs, not a trickle of blood on either weapon.

“Strong willed and able to resist tremendous amounts of pain.” The fairy cooed. “You’ll need something besides blessed steel and silver to actually harm me, though.” She informed. “You know, you’re not my type...at all. I usually go for the tall, handsome, poetic type, but maybe it’s time I broke ties with that stuffy vampire and add you to my conquests.” She licked her lips. “I do love a challenge.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Alright, Lea…Can I call you Lea? Leanan Sidhe is a bit of a mouthful.” Dan reasoned.

“I…wow, you’re certainly well read.” Lea replied in surprise. “It seems I’ve underestimated you in many ways.”

Dan shrugged. “Red hair, fairy, seems to want to collect me and probably feed on life force or some such? You’re not leaving me with a lot of options here.”

Lea laughed again. “Hahahahaha! You just keep on getting more and more interesting!”

Dan reached into his cassock with both hands and pulled out two more bayonets. “And you don’t seem to want to shut up. Sorry, Lea, but its mouth stabbing time.”

Lea chuckled. “You can’t stab what you can’t see.”

With that, the fae faded from view.

Dan sighed and threw a bayonet out, it sailed through open air and clattered against the tunnel walls.

Dan heard a snicker.

“Not even close.” Lea called out.

Dan turned towards the direction of the voice and threw his second bayonet, it too, sailed through open air until it collided with a wall.

“Oh, you didn’t think I’d make it that easy?” Lea mocked, the voice coming from a completely different location.

Dan reached for more bayonets as his eyes darted back and forth through the dim light of the tunnels.

“I should credit you for not following the instructions by the way, as silly as it is that you’d walk in here for something as trivial as one of your human electronic toys, you were wise not to step right into our trap.” Lea’s voice sang out from another new location.

Dan paused. “Lea, I have no idea what you’re babbling on about. You left a trail of cracker crumbs right to here.”

There was a pause. “I…uh…I think you meant breadcrumbs.”

“Whatever!” Dan replied in irritation. “You left plenty of clues in our apartment!”

“Those where just so you’d believe the note!” There was another pause. “Wait a minute! Don’t tell me you didn’t even read it!” The voice called in a shocked tone.

“Uhhh…note?” Dan asked in a slightly confused tone.

“BY ALL THE FAIRIES OF THE SIDHE! I STUCK IT TO YOUR FRIDGE! IT…IT WASN’T EVEN SMALL! IT WAS THIS GIANT…OSTENTATIOUS SCROLL!  DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW SICK IT MADE ME TO SNEAK INTO YOUR HOUSE UNINVITED, TAPE THAT DAMN THING TO YOUR FRIDGE, GET BATS TO ROOST IN YOUR HOME, SPRINKLE CRYPT DUST, AND STEAL YOUR LITTLE TOY?!”

Dan paused. “Wait, what about the cape on Mr. Mumbles.”

“…Who?”

“My cat.” Dan explained.

“What?! WHY WOULD I PUT A CAPE ON A CAT?!”

“Huh…” Dan uttered as he rubbed a bayonet grip against his temple. “Mr. Mumbles must have just thought it made her look cool…”

“I…YOU…how... how does that even…” Lea stuttered out. “I ACTUALLY GOT PHYSICALLY ILL AND RETCHED FAIRY DUST DOING ALL THIS!” Lea screamed out angrily.

“What?!” Dan replied in alarm as he began to spit from his mouth. “Ewwwww! That was fairy vomit Pinkie and I were tasting?!”

“WHY WOULD YOU EVEN STICK IT IN YOUR MOUTH?!”

‘vzzzzt’

“GLCK!”

Lea uttered a loud, muffled guttural sound as she repapered, a bayonet sticking out of her throat.

Dan grinned and quickly closed the several yards distance between him and Lea. “By the by, you’ve been forgetting to make your voice come from different places for a while now.” Dan reached into his cassock and pulled out two crude, dull grey swords with simple leather wrapped handles.

Lea’s flustered appearance changed to fear as she glanced at the weapons. She quickly reached for the bayonet in her mouth and pulled it out.

“Wait!” She cried.

“Naw,” Dan replied, “you’ve talked enough as it is.”

Lea flicked out a ringed finger, as she did, a gust of wind hit Dan and he flew backwards onto the cave floor.

Lea’s eyes suddenly glowed with blinding, bright silver light.

Dan ceased struggling to his feet as the glow was matched in his own.

In a blur of movement, Lea was on top of him, the bright silver glow of her eyes focused directly onto Dan as she held the sides of his face in her hands.

“YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE ME!”

‘THUNK!’

“Don’t tell ME who to love!”

The glow faded and dissipated as Lea’s face turned pained.

Dan slid his body out from under Lea who continued to kneel on the ground, and stared at the iron sword that was just shoved through her thigh. Blood seeped through the puncture wound and began to pool on the stone floor below.

“Ha…HOW!” Lea choked out painfully. “HOW CAN YOUR WILL BE SO STRONG?!”

Dan raised himself to his knees and placed his face inches away from Lea’s. “Listen Lea, I’m flattered, I really am. If I wanted to become some flighty fairy’s love toy, you’d be right at the top of the list.”

Dan reached for his sword and pulled it out.

Lea shrieked in pain as the sword made a sickening sound, cutting through her flesh again as it was raised up and out of the wound.

“But I actually broke the woman I love and had to make it up to her,” Dan continued. His expression turned wistful. “And, despite all that, she decided she could still like me, and eventually she decided she could love me. ME!”Dan stressed. “Now, that’s love!”

Through the pain in her leg, Lea managed to reply. “Cough…uuuugghh, human romance is so…huff…stomached churning. Wait…What you are doing!?” Lea called out fearfully, her eyes darting to either side of her head as Dan stood up and placed both iron swords on her shoulders, crisscrossing the swords in front of himself as he held his elbows out from his body.

Dan grinned evilly down at the red haired woman. “You want my love? Here’s step one. I don’t have time to figure out what will emotionally hurt you…heck, you probably can’t even be emotionally scarred, buuuuuut~ I’m sure decapitation is painful enough.”

Lea tried one more desperate attempt at calm. “These won’t kill me, you know…send me back amongst the Aos Sí, sure…but I’ll be back!” Lea said in a threatening tone. “I’ll return and I’ll transform your pathetic life into an unending hell.”

Dan chuckled. “Wouldn’t be the first time.” Dan’s smile dropped to an angry grimace.  “Anyhow, the worst hell I’ve ever seen was in the eyes of someone I hurt very badly who didn’t deserve it. I doubt you have the imagination to cook up something like that, Lea.”

Lea sneered up at Dan. “I will certainly try, little mortal!”

Dan’s flashed lea a mouth full of pointed teeth framed by lips that opened and curved upwards.

“It’s a date!” Dan replied as he scissored the two blades closer to each other and towards the neck in between them.

*

 “Do you think Dan’s okay?” Becky asked as she and Dave continued their directionless walk down yet another dimly lit tunnel.

*

Dan grunted as he pulled on one of the rings from the now limp hand.

“Whoa!”

The ring parted from the hand and Dan slipped on the blood pool below him, falling backwards.

He stood up and smoothed out his outfit, then examined the golden ring; a wavy leaf motif framed a brilliant, sky blue colored gem.

“Huh…I wonder…”

Dan waved the ring about. It did nothing.

He held it in front of him. “Go ring, go!..Shazam..! Uh…”

Dan tentatively attempted to put the ring on his index finger, to his surprise, the small ring seemed to fit easily, expanding as it was slid down his finger.

“Heh, killing mythological creatures is awesome…”

Dan flicked his finger out at his face, and a strong gust of wind forced his cheeks out, sent his hair standing straight up, and blew his costume glasses off.

He stared wide eyed at the ring. “Uh…maybe I should pick a different finger…” He mused as he turned to look for his glasses.

*

“He’s one tough little dude, I’m sure he’ll manage.” Dave replied.

“Do you think Pinkie’s okay?” Becky asked, a touch more concern in her voice.

*

“VAMPIRE TUNNEL RAVE PARTY!” Pinkie announced.

“Meow!”

Mr. Mumbles perched on Cratey and began batting at the wall, depressing a switch over and over again that was designed to blend in with its surroundings. The dim lamp lights turned off and on with each press of the paw, creating a bit of a strobe light effect within the tunnel.

Pinkie exuberantly flung her hands out as she dance in the flickering light.

*

“Well…She’s pretty upbeat. I’m sure she’s keeping a level head over all this…” Dave reasoned.

“…Do you think we’ll be okay?”

Dave turned and smiled. “We’ll be fine.” He insisted. “We’re both loaded for the undead, I’m a trained ninja. You uh…have dealt with people pretending to be vampires…” Dave offered meekly.

Becky pursed her lips. “I’m a lot tougher than you think.” She insisted.

“Uh, right…sorry. Didn’t mean to…” Dave paused. “Wait, what was that?”

“Huh?” Becky turned down the hall. “I didn’t hear anythi…” She turned back to where Dave was standing a moment ago.

“Ninja Dave? Where did you…”

Without warning, one of the tunnel walls spun, and a trio of pale looking people dressed in dark clothing and wearing an overabundance of gaudy looking jewelry appeared and greeted Becky with grim looking smiles.

“Uh…hi?” Becky uttered in a weak voice as she reached into her black cassock with both hands.

Before she can make a move, two of the vampires were upon her, holding her in place with inhuman strength.

“Found you~!” The dark haired female of the group sang out as she held Becky’s arm and shoulder.

“Geez, these guys really made us look for them.” A male in a studded leather jacket griped as he, too, held onto Becky.

“Hey, is this one of the ones the boss wants to keep?” The female asked the third vampire.

The third vampire who was busy scanning the tunnels turned and gave Becky a quick once over.

“Nope.” He replied as he adjusted his black, popped collar.

Becky gulped at as the Vampire’s grips tightened around her. The vampires to either side of her parted their lips, exposing toothy, malevolent grins and long, sharp looking fangs.

“Guess you know what’s coming next.” The female vampire cooed.

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 65: Pinkie Vs. Vampire Lord

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 65: Pinkie Vs. Vampire Lord

*****

Deep beneath the city streets of Los Angeles, a grim king sits on his ornate, wooden throne and broods. Resting his chin atop his fist which is propped up by his arm that rests on the chairs rest. Pale of skin, pointed ears, with closely cropped black hair, wearing a black long black tunic with gold trim, a blood red cape, black pants, black boots, and an assortment of ornate golden rings, he looks very much the part he has set for himself; a dark ruler overseeing a dark clan.

His throne room, likewise, was colored to match his outfit. Black and red curtains hung about what would otherwise be a bare and rocky room, and a blood red carpet led from the throne, down a half dozen marble steps, and over a marble floor to an open entrance.

Only the ever-present line of lamps on the walls which matched the rest of the cave shared commonality with the décor of the room.

I should have expected that these two would not behave as demanded.

The vampire lord glanced down at the boxy device next to his throne.

Well, I suppose the whole plan hinged on their irrationality, and these two have shown themselves quite capable. It’s no surprise my children are having difficulty. It wouldn’t be worth turning them if it were so easy to have them.

His head perked up at the sound of approaching footsteps. The vampire lord adjusted his pose, sitting attentively upright and setting serious eyes forward as one of his brood stepped into the chamber and looked up towards the throne.

“Lord Cruor..?” The male subject called out tentatively. His dress was similarly dark and dated.

The vampire lord remained devoid of outward emotion, however his subject’s tone told him plenty.

Bad news, it would seem. No matter they will come to me in time.

“Report.”

“Er, we found Leanan Sídhe…decapitated, sire.”

Cruor allowed himself the smallest hints of surprise in his features. “Oh? That’s unfortunate…she was…” he paused as if searching for the correct word, “useful,” he offered, “and a fairy’s favor is not something one is likely to come by twice.” His face returned to its stoic, almost emotionless state. “I take it the targets are still being searched for?”

“Yes sire…” The vampire replied.

“No matter, they will be found in time.”

The two paused as female vampire an elegant, black dress entered. “Sire! We have the one called ‘Pinkie’.” She informed.

Cruor allowed himself the smallest of smiles. “Good, show her…”

“Hello Vampires and Vimpiresseses!” Pinkie said as she entered the room, Mr. Mumbles perched on her shoulder and a red wagon containing Cratey following behind as Pinkie pulled it along.

The two vampires who had been reporting to their lord suddenly put on mortified expressions.

“…in.” Cruor finished as he knitted his brow.

“Oops!” Pinkie exclaimed as she looked around. She giggled. “Hehehe, Just the one Vampiresses.”

“Sorry boss!” Ed offered, quickly following behind Pinkie. “I couldn’t stop her…and everyone else seems to get sick around her!” He explained.

Cruor paused as he attempted to figure out where to even begin. He decided to ignore that one of his fledglings had addressed him as ‘Boss’, a common annoyance. Deciding to focus on the much more pressing matter that one of his targets was

A. Here

B. Came with a house cat and a crate that was dressed up and wrapped with metal wire of some sort.

C. Apparently possessed a previous unknown ability.

“You must be head vampire chief guy!” Pinkie announced, pointing up at Cruor.

The two old-fashioned dressed vampire’s gasped.

“You will address him as ‘Lord Cruor’!” The male insisted.

Pinkie pulled a disapproving face. “That’s way too stuffy!” She insisted. “Ooooh! Ooooh!” She began as she excitedly jumped up and down and clapped her hands. “He can be ‘Master Vampire of Parties!’” She declared.

The Ed and the other two vampires stopped and simply stared at Pinkie.

“No wait! MVP! I get it!” Ed declared, holding an index finger up.

Pinkie clicked her fingers and pointed both index fingers at Ed. “See! Can I come up with awesome names, or what?!”

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles replied.

“Listen, human,” the female vampire began, as she practically spat out the word ‘human’, “You will show Lord Cruor respect or…” She placed her hand on Pinkie’s shoulder with the intention of gripping hard and inflicting pain. What actually resulted was a wave of painful sickness that entered through her hand and washed over her body.

The female vampire retracted her hand and took a couple steps away from Pinkie.

“What?” Pinkie asked. “Is it my breath?” She zipped over to the male vampire in old fashion getup blew into his face.

“GAHK!” The vampire choked out in response, covering his face and also retracting from Pinkie.

“Oh! Right…garlic breath!” She said with a smile. “Tee-hee, I guess that explains it.”

“ENOUGH!” Cruor roared from his throne. “I will have order in my own throne room.”

The vampires paused and obediently turned towards their rules.

Pinkie, on the other hand, slumped her shoulders and pouted. “Well, that’s no fun!” She replied. She turned to Ed. “I thought you said this would be a rockin’ vamparty!”

Ed chuckled nervously, looking up at the vampire lord as he shrugged.

Cruor gave his fledgling a contemptible, disappointed glare.

Ed’s expression turned worried, though he had very little time to dwell on his upcoming punishment.

“I know what we need!” Pinkie declared. “We just need to get a little action going to get things started!” She quickly glanced over her surroundings and noticed the familiar sight of the LED lamps along the walls. “Oooo! Oooo! Let’s see what pulling on these do.”

Before anyone else could react, Pinkie zipped over to the lamps and began tugging on them in rapid succession.

‘THWOMP!’

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The male vampire screamed in agony as a large, rectangular, spiked rock fell from the ceiling and landed on him.

Ed, the female vampire, and even Cruor put on utterly shocked expressions at the scene in front of them.

“I CAN FIX THIS!” Pinkie insisted as she feverishly tugged on more of the lamps.

‘THWOMP!’

“AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

The female vampire joined in the males pained cry, as another spiked rock fell from the ceiling and crushed her beneath its weight.

“Oh geez!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Let me just…”

Ed quickly rushed over and placed a firm hand on Pinkie’s shoulder.

“Uh, maybe we can sort out what the lamp traps do a little later…” He suggested.

Pinkie sighed and bowed her head. “Yeah…alright.” She agreed meekly.

“Uh? Boss?” Ed asked tentatively, looking towards the vampire lord for direction.

“Just get her out of here, for now!” Cruor commanded pointing towards the exit with one hand, the other being used to cover his face as his elbow rested on the throne’s armrest.

Ed nodded. “Sure boss…” He turned towards Pinkie, and motioned out to the door.

Pinkie grabbed her wagon and slowly trudged out of the room as Ed followed.

Cruor sighed as he looked over his subjects that thrashed under the heavy rocks. He glanced towards the line of lamps along the wall and stood up off his throne. His usually calm demeanor was stretched pretty thin at this point.

She’s incredibly unpredictable…

Cruor made his way down the steps towards the wall.

Hopefully she can be controlled once turned.

Before he could pull one of the lamps to release one of his subjects, the hall outside erupted in commotion, the lights outside the hall were flickering off and on.

“What now!?” He uttered angrily as he stormed out of his throne room.

Out into the hall.

“Uh…” the male servant uttered from under the rock. “We’ll just…wait here then…”

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF…” Cruor paused as he looked over the sight in front of him.

The grand hall was a large, open area of the cavern where many of the tunnels met. Several dozen of the vampire lord’s brood had gathered and where currently circled near the wall of the cave as the lights continued to flicker on and off rhythmically.

Cruor sighed.

She’s found the halls switch, I see.

He made his way to the group, all his brood parted for him, many of them bowing as he approached and grimaced as he finally made it to the open center of the circle.

Pinkie was dancing with a random female of Crour’s brood. Said female looked ill unto of her already deathly look. Next to them on the floor, two of his brood already laid down in a heap, their mouths foaming.  A quick glance showed that his children were getting more and more terrified of the pink haired girl in the long red coat. Their behavior had turned into something not unlike penguins near an open hole in the ice with a potential lethal threat below; they stood neatly in a circle around Pinkie, but others would often nudge or even shove ones by them slightly closer to the girl, afraid that they might be the next ones she attempts to dance with.

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” Cruor roared.

Mr. Mumbles stopped batting at the hidden switch in the wall as Pinkie let her latest victim collapse into the heap below.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Master Vampire of Parties, did you want to dance?” Pinkie asked.

The group went deathly silent.

“I get it!” An errant voice shouted out.

Pinkie grinned and pointed both index fingers towards the voice in the crowd.

“This is no time for dancing!” Cruor insisted.

“What are you talking about?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It’s always time for dancing! Hit it, Mr. Mumbles!”

With that, the lights began to flicker, and with a speed that surprised even the vampire lord, Pinkie reached out and grabbed both his hands, dragging him into the center of the circle.

What had afflicted his children suddenly became a lot clearer. Though stronger, and more resilient than his children, Cruor felt a wave of discomfort that radiated from his hands as Pinkie swung him back and forth wildly.

He forcefully broke contact with Pinkie. “YOU WERE NOT LED HERE FOR THIS PURPOSE!” He roared.

Pinkie pouted as Mr. Mumbles ceased batting at the switch again. “Mew?”

“Well…why was I led here?” Pinkie asked.

Before Cruor could answer, a couple pained screamed broke the silence.

The vampires turned towards the commotion. Two of their numbers writhed in agony, silver bayonets stuck in their torsos.

“Awrite ye unholy, filth ay th' nicht.” Dan said in his best Scottish accent as he grinned manically, and reached into his coat once more. “I’ve come tae claeem what’s mine.”

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 66: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Vampires

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 66: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Vampires

*****

Music version here.

*****

“Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly.

She snatched the wagon handle and quickly ran over to her blood splattered boyfriend, the vampire crowd parting to avoid contact with the pink haired, red coat wearing sickness inducer.

“Pinkie!” Dan replied opening his arms wide as Pinkie lunged into his grasp and wrapped arms around him.

Pinkie placed her lips against Dan’s as he happily returned the affection, keeping his arms wrapped around her while taking care not to stab her with the bayonets in his hands.

The two shared a long deep kiss, almost oblivious to the dark crowd around them.

The crowd, in turn, kept its distance from the couple.

“Meow?” Mr. Mumbles called out.

Dan and Pinkie broke their kiss as Dan took Mr. Mumbles into his arms and gave her a hug. “Mr. Mumbles!”

“Merow!”

Pinkie looked around, having just lost her hugging partner to his cat.

She reached down and pulled a bayonet out of one of the fallen vampire’s torsos.

The vampire cried and pain, and quickly found his situation going from bad to worse as Pinkie picked him up and took him into a tight embrace.

“Random injured vampire number one!” Pinkie exclaimed as the vampire she hugged foamed at the mouth and slumped limply in her grip.

Dan reexamined his surroundings and allowed Mr. Mumbles to climb onto his shoulder. “Cratey!” He exclaimed as he threw his arms around his ex-coffee table turned battle crate.

“…”

“Random injured vampire number two!” Pinkie repeated the process of removing bayonet from injured vampire torso, and hugging said vampire until it was limp in her arms.

Dan broke his embrace with his crate as Pinkie allowed her latest victim to slump to the floor.

“Dan!”

“Pinkie!”

Once again, the couple embraced. They held each other tightly as they pressed their lips against each other’s once more, enjoying another long, uninterrupted, passionate kiss.

Pinkie broke the kiss to take a look at Dan’s handiwork on the ground.

“Dan, did you have to stab these vampires?” Pinkie asked, her happy demeanor quickly giving way to concern.

Dan chuckled, “Hehe, yeah…”

“Daaaaaan…” Pinkie said in a somewhat chastising tone.

“What!” Dan protested. “They’re evil creatures of the night! Besides, Ididn’t hug them until they passed out!” He countered.

Pinkie began to pout. “It’s not my fault all these vampires get sick around me!”

“I don’t!” A voice called out from the crowd.

“No one cares, Ed! NO ONE!” Another voice replied.

“Awwwww…”

“Wait, you mean this has happened before?” Dan asked.

“Yepper!” Pinkie replied. “I think there’s been like…seven so far that got sick around me…the other three I dropped big spikey rocks on…”

“Pinkie!” Dan exclaimed tone of genuine surprise. “I am so proud of you!”

Pinkie closed her eyes, grinned sheepishly, and rubbed the back of her head. “I didn’t mean to…” Pinkie opened her eyes and smiled at Dan. “So, what have you been doing all this time?”

Dan shrugged. “Eh, I decapitated a fairy.” He answered in the same tone one might use to explain that they just had lunch.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Hey, she tried to get Ninja Dave and Becky to off themselves and make me fall in love with her with magic!” Dan explained defensively.

“Oh…okay!” Pinkie replied, with a smile. “Wait…where are N.D. and Becky?”

Dan shrugged. “What am I? The ninja and nerd keeper?”

“You had them last!” Pinkie reminded.

“I had to let them go on while I fought the fairy!” Dan explained. “They were getting all glowy eyed and glamored by her! Do you want dead friends, or live friends?!” Dan added in an irritated tone.

“Well, live of course.” Pinkie replied. Her voice turned maternal, regardless. “But, if you can’t keep track of our friends, I’m not sure I’ll be able to let you take them into dark, spooky, vampire tunnels by yourself anymore!”

“Ok, first off: It was Becky’s fault we get separated in the first place. Second off: I rather be with you anyhow.”

Pinkie’s eye’s widened slightly. “…Awwww!” She exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around Dan and gave him yet another, deep, passionate kiss.

“Are you two done yet?” Cruor asked in an incredibly irritated tone.

Pinkie ignored him completely, kissing her boyfriend while utterly mumbling, “Mwah…Mwah…”

Dan turned to the vampire lord briefly. “Not yet.” He answered.

“Mwah…Mwah…Mmmmmmwaaaaah!” Pinkie continued.

Mr. Mumbles began to bat at the wide brim of Pinkie’s hat as his owner and girlfriend continued to lock lips.

“Wait…” Dan broke the couple’s kissing season and turned to Cruor, his arms still wrapped around Pinkie as hers were around him. “Who’s this douchebag?!” Dan exclaimed, nodding towards the tall vampire in black and red.

The group of vampire’s collectively gasped as Dan called their lord and master a ‘douche bag’.

“Oooo! That’s the Master Vampire of Parties!” Pinkie answered.

Dan paused, thinking about Pinkie’s answer. “Oh! MVP, very clever.”

Pinkie smiled wide, her lips making a small ‘squee’ sounds as she pulled them as their limits.

“My name is Lord Cruor.” The vampire lord informed.

From behind his costume glasses, Dan knitted his brow at the vampire lord. “Your vampire name is the Latin word for ‘blood’? That’s the best you could come up with?! How old are you?”

“Be silent!” Cruor commanded.

“Geez, I’d just take ‘Master Vampire of Parties’ if I where you. I mean, you’re either hundreds of years old or you just like raiding Halloween stores for renaissance outfits.” Dan continued.

“I will notbe spoken to in this manner!” Cruor roared.

Dan and Pinkie broke their embrace as Dan turned to face the vampire Lord. “Look, buddy…”

The group of vampire’s gasped and recoiled shielding their eyes from Dan as he turned.

“He bares a cross” A voice called out.

“He’s a true believer.” Another declared.

“What?” Dan replied. “You think this priest getup is just for show?”

“Dan, it is just for show!” Pinkie reminded.

“Oh, right…well, that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God. I mean, who else would I evoke to bless water and my bayonets? Santa? I mean, he may be in the Bible, but he’s lousy for weapon enchantments.”

“Santa isn’t in the Bible!” a vampire called out.

“Heresy!” Dan cried. He flung a bayonet into the crowd, hitting the owner of the voice.

“OW! IT BURNS WITH RIGHTEOUSNESS!” The voice called out.

“Alright, I’m going to let that one slide, ‘cause of the Santa comment,” Pinkie said, “but you really need a better reason to throw those around than these guys being vampires, and all.”

Dan sighed. “FINE! I’ve already hit my carnage quota for the day, anyhow.” Dan turned to Cruor.

The grand vampire lord kept his eyes covered as he looked under his hand, and stared at Dan’s and Pinkie’s boots. This being his best option for keeping tabs on the couple’s position.

“Hey! Tall, dark, and cliché! Why don’t you just hand over our video game system?” Dan began.

“Oh! And they should help us find Becky and N.D.!” Pinkie added.

“Right!” Dan agree, nodding. “Help us find our ninja and nerd and we’ll be on our way.”

“I’m afraid I can’t…” Cruor paused. “Would you mind removing your cross?” He asked politely.

“Yes.” Dan responded.

Cruor sneered, continuing to hold his hands over his eyes and glare at Dan and Pinkie’s feet. I’m afraid I can’t just hand it over.”

“Oh, well…” Dan brandished a bayonet and slipped into his Scottish accident. “It’s vampire guttin’ time…”

“Wait!” Cruor demanded. “I have proposition that would be mutual beneficial to all of us.”

“Dornt caur, gonnae gut ye.” Dan replied.

“Now Dan,” Pinkie said, placing her hands on the short man’s shoulders. “Let’s hear the nice vampire out.”

Dan sighed. “FINE!” He exclaimed, irritably.

“Stupid girlfriend and her mysterious power over me…” Dan mumbled.

Cruor turned and faced his brood, flinging his arms up dramatically in a ‘V’. “Look around you! I have an immortal army right under one of the largest, most powerful cities in the world! Imagine it!” Cruor continued, grinning to himself as he pulled the fingers on his right hand into a fist. “My army will continue to grow, and soon it will be powerful enough to take over Los Angeles, itself! A mighty force of vampires, just destroying and eating everything in their path! And this is merely the beginning! Once Los Angeles is firmly in my control, I’ll move on to…on to…” Cruor’s pointed ears perked up as he noticed his intended audience was being less than silent.

“Mwah…Mwah…”

Cruor turned and glared at the couple which had returned to paying much more attention to each other’s faces than him.

“You two couldn’t even give me a brief monologue?” He sighed out.

Pinkie and Dan ceased their sloppy make out season and turned towards the vampire lord.

“Yeah, sorry, but your plan is just really cliché.” Dan explained, his arms still wrapped around Pinkie.

“And boring!” Pinkie added. “With a capital ‘B’ and an ‘ooooooring’ even!”

Cruor sighed. “Fine, I’ll get to the point.” Cruor grinned evilly and spread out his arms. “Let me turn you both into unstoppable creatures of the night and join me in my conquest of the world!”

Pinkie and Dan broke contact, causing Cruor to cringe slightly and cover his eyes again, shielding them from Dan’s cross.

“Hmmm…” Dan pounded the offer and smiled. “Well…we’d get to live forever, and we’d become super strong…” He mused.

“Dan, no!” Pinkie pleaded. “What about sunlight!”

“Pffft,” Dan said waving a dismissive hand, “sunlight is over rated!”

“Well, I like it!” Pinkie declared. “And I don’t want to have to kill strangers and feed on their blood!”  She moaned.

“But…strangers are laaaaaaame!” Dan whined.

“Dan! No!” Pinkie insisted. “I don’t want to be a vampire!”

Dan sighed. “Oh, alright…but you’re going to have to make it up to me!”

Pinkie grinned mischievously and leaned towards Dan. She began to whisper into his ear.

Dan, in turn, grinned a wide, toothy grin. His face flushed red as he nodded and muttered “Uh-huh?” in response.

Cruor sighed, still staring at the couple’s feet. “Well?”

“Sorry, but the lady says no.” Dan informed.

“I thought as much.” Cruor replied.

“Can we get our game system back now?” Pinkie asked.

Cruor turned towards his followers. “Kill them,” he commanded. “I don’t care how.”

“Hey! Not cool!” Pinkie cried, putting her back against Dan’s as the vampire’s circled around the couple.

“So…this is going to escalate…” Dan mused. He smiled and glanced to the woman behind him as Pinkie reached into her coat and pulled out her gigantic pistols. “You and me against the world?”

Pinkie glanced behind her and smirked. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The two looked over the hesitant group of vampires in front of them, and readied their weapons for battle.

--♫

Dan brandished he bayonets as Pinkie pointed her pistols into the crowd.

“Pinkie! Dan!”

--♫skrrreeek

The crowd turned toward the source of the voice.

Pinkie gasped “Becky!” Pinkie said excitedly.

The vampires cleared a path for Pinkie as she sprinted towards the woman in dark priest’s clothing.

Dan grabbed the wagon and walked calmly behind his girlfriend, as Pinkie threw her arms around Becky.

“Hey, we have our ninja back, too.” Dan exclaimed nodding to Ninja Dave who nodded back.

“And lizard people!” Pinkie exclaimed as she broke her embrace with Becky and looked down the dim tunnel.

Dozens of bipedal, green lizard people emerged from the darkness behind Becky and Dan. They wore clothing of tattered cloth and brandished crude wooden spears and tomahawks. In front of the group, the tallest, most muscular lizard glared out at Cruor, brandishing a large, European style long sword.

“Let me guess,” Dan began, “the lizards speak Klingon,” he said rolling his eyes.

Becky smiled wide. “Nope!” She replied. “Vulcan.”

Dan paused. “NeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrOW!”

Dan shot a glare at Pinkie.

Pinkie simply threw the large, black gun she had just pistol whipped Dan in the arm with into the air and caught it by the handle.

“Becky brought us a lizard people army!” Pinkie pointed out. “The least you can do is be nice!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Thank you Becky for rallying a small army of lizard men to fight the vampire menace.” He said monotone.

“Small?!” Becky replied in a protesting tone.

“Fine!” Dan replied. “Medium sized!”

Becky sighed as Pinkie leaned in, whispering into her ear, and raised her hand to muffle her voice.

“That’s probably as good as you’re going to get,” Pinkie explained in a hushed tone. “I’d just take it if I where you.”

Becky rolled her eyes. “Thanks, Dan.”

“You’re welcome,” Dan replied with a smirk.

The vampires stared out in disbelief at what was in front of them. All, save one.

Cruor raised a hand to his forehead as if he was tending to a migraine. “…And they rallied the lizard men…of course they rallied the lizard men.” He uttered as he contemplated the events that had led up to this moment.

--♫

The lizard army stared down their hated enemy, as four humans stood in front of them, armed and ready to battle it out with a vampire horde they had tangled with for no other reason than a stolen video game system.

--♫

The two forces tense as they prepare for battle; the lizard people brandished their crude and ancient weapons, the vampires bared their fangs and readied their inhumanly strong bear hands for battle.

--♫

Ninja Dave flicked his thumb up against his sword’s guard, revealing a few inches of silver plated katana.

--♫

Becky readied her pistols and pointed them at the vampire horde.

--♫

Dan chuckled as he pulled the small lever in the wagon, launching Cratey into the mass of vampires.

--♫

Wide eyed, vampires dodged and weaved, avoiding the crate until...

--♫

‘Pow!’

--♫

“AHHH! MY ONCE FLAWLESS FACE!” Ed screamed as Cratey collided with him, silver wire burning into his pale, granite complexion once again.

--♫

Pinkie’s smile widened as her eyes narrowed. She scanned the army in front of her as her fingers tensed against the triggers on her firearms.

--♫

Dan reached into his cassock, and pulled out another bayonet, once again holding silver blades in both hands.

In a blur of movement, Pinkie appeared behind two of the vampires. She placed her pistols to the back of their skulls’ and fired silver rounds through the front of their surprised faces.

--♫

Dan threw his bayonets into the crowd of vampires, two of their numbers collapsed as metal met flesh. He grinned madly as he reached his hands into his long, priest garb for another set of weapons.

--♫

Ninja Dave surged forward and quickly pulled his katana from his scabbard, slashing his silver blade into the mass of undead in front of him.

--♫

Becky fired her weapons into the crowd, raining holy water and silver pelts onto the hides of the vampires’ which smoked on contact.

--♫

Cruor turned his eyes towards the lizard chief.

--♫

Likewise, the ruler of the lizard people locked eyes with the vampire lord.

--♫

The lizard chief pointed his sword toward the vampire army and urged his people forward.

--♫

The green mass of lizard people surged forward as the pale army in black clothing rushed to meet them.

--♫

The two clashed. Vampires braved ancient weapons as they crushed green limbs, heads, and torsos beneath their fists with supernatural strength.

--♫

The chief of the lizard people charged forward as he cut a bloody path through the darkly dressed foes that continued to fight his people.

--♫

Likewise, the vampire lord walked forward towards his enemy, calmly crushing reptilian skulls and shattering limbs with his bare hands as he walked forward.

--♫

Becky tested the trigger on one gun, and then the other. No projectile or liquid exited either weapon’s barrel.

--♫

She let the weapons fall to the floor, dropped her satchel, and quickly took off her religious garb.

--♫

Becky let her priestly robes fall to the ground, revealing a pink tank top with the word ‘NERD’ printed in black across the chest and a pair of black trousers. She dove into her satchel and pulled out a crossbow with a slim, wooden arrow preloaded in one hand, and a stake in her other.

--♫

Becky fired her crossbow at the closest vampire, hit it in the heart and reduced it to ash.

--♫

She charged headlong into the melee of undead and lizard people, staking another vampire in its heart. The vampire disintegrated with a fiery spark.

--♫

Dave slashed his sword upwards, catching two vampire in the neck, neatly decapitating them.

--♫

Cruor allowed the lizard chief to cut into his left arm as he reached towards the lizard’s wrists with his right hand and snapped the brittle bone in a swift movement.

Dan slashed his way through the vampire horde, his cat clutching tightly to his shoulder, his blades separating limbs from bodies, and the points of his bayonets stabbing through undead hearts. He made his way towards his lover in a fiery blaze of ash.

Pinkie grinned wildly and fired round after round into the vampires, piercing skulls and hearts, and turning once fearsome foes into dust

The two met and once again and placed their backs to each other. They glanced at each other with mad, ecstatic grins as Pinkie reloaded her weapons and Dan reached into his cassock for more bayonets.

Unable to overcome faith, and the fury of silver bullets and blades, the vampires that encroached on the two fell quickly.

--♫

Cruor pummeled his foe mercilessly as the lizard chief vainly attempted to fight back with his sword and broken body.

--♫

After a few more solid blows, the vampire lord stood victorious over the fallen lizard chief.

--♫ --♫

Cruor surveyed the battlefield to find his brood easily overwhelmed the lizard people where the reptiles still brandished crude weapons, but his children where overpowered by the lizards where the later had acquired one of the many blessed bayonets that began to litter the grand hall.

--♫

He zoned in on the short man and pink haired woman who busily reduced all opponents around them to ash. Cruor rushed towards the two in a determined gait. He became a black and red blur as he fought past his dread of Dan’s cross and closed the distance between him and his target. He reached out and placed a hand over the cross, it burned against his flesh as he ripped the holy symbol from Dan’s neck, tossing the now harmless item into the fray.

--♫

Dan stabbed a bayonet into Cruor’s torso, and another into his forearm as Pinkie fired wildly at the vampire lord.

--Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

--♫

Cruor slammed his uninjured arm into Dan’s torso, and launched the short man into the air.

Dan hit the ground hard several yards away.

--♫

The vampire lord focused his eyes on Pinkie’s. “Obey.” He commanded in a deep voice as he motioned towards the girl with his hand.

--♫

Pinkie paused at the command and her eyes glazed over.

“Kill him.” Cruor commanded motioning out towards Dan.

Dan grimaced and quickly drew two more bayonets. He held the weapons in front of him as silver bullets slammed against the metal.

--♫

Under a barrage of gunfire, Dan surged forward towards Pinkie and the vampire lord.

--♫

The hammers to Pinkie’s weapons soon began to fall on empty air, her ammo expended.

--♫

Crour’s eyes widened with the realization his control over Pinkie was not as absolute has he thought. “You aimed for his weapons!” He accused.

Pinkie giggled. “I sure did!” she stated cheerfully.

Cruor let out a frustrated roar and swatted the large Pistols out of Pinkie’s hands.

--♫

“Take him out!” Cruor shouted to his brood, motion out towards Dan.

Cruor’s brood complied, many of their number lunging towards Dan.

--♫

Soon, Dan found himself on the ground, under a pile of angry vampires, their strength threatening to crush his body as Mr. Mumbles hissed angrily and swatted at the undead foes.

--♫

“Hold tight, Mr. Mumbles!” Dan shouted.

The cat complied, lowering its body and digging claws into Dan’s outfit despite the fact that vampire’s swarmed over her owner’s body.

Dan flicked up his ringed middle finger on his left hand, pointing it towards the vampires. The sky-blue gem on the ring glowed brightly and a powerful gust of wind sent his assailants flying through the air.

“This ends NOW!” Cruor declared, as he tightly gripped onto Pinkie, ignoring the waves of discomfort that surged through his body as he did.

--♫

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as the vampire lord quickly leaned forward and sunk his fangs into her neck.

--♫

Cruor howled in pain and retracted his fangs as they practically melted from his mouth, the act of biting on Pinkie resulting in a much more intense and dire consequence than the act of touching her.

--♫

Pinkie grinned as she brushed the weakened vampire’s arms from her shoulder, reaching into her coat and pulling out a stake that glowed the brightness of the sun.

--♫

Cruor hissed and shielded his eyes as his skin began to burn, the mystery of why Pinkie’s very touch brought pain and discomfort solved too late.

Pinkie’s smile widened and her eyes narrowed at the vampire lord. “Ashes to Ashes,” Pinkie plunged the sun enchanted weapon into Cruor’s heart. The vampire lord’s body began to spark as millions points of light shot out from it. Cruor burnt up and turned to ash that fell in a heap on the floor.

“Dust to dust.”

The remaining vampires fled into the tunnels, the light of Pinkie’s weapon scorching their flesh as they ran.

All vampires, save one.

Once again, Ed grimaced as he pushed Cratey off of him and stood to his feet. His skin sparkled in the light of the enchanted stake like millions of stars across his body.

The humans and lizard people stood and stared at the scene before them.

Ed walked over to Pinkie and grasped her hands in his. “Now you see me in my true form.” Ed said, his voice merely a whisper. “You see why I can’t walk with you in the daytime.” He said, locking his liquid topaz colored eyes with Pinkie’s big, blue sky-blue ones.

“Uh…never was really going to be an issue…” Pinkie replied, staring at the crisscross burns on Ed’s face and squirming uncomfortably with the contact from the vampire.

Dan grumbled irritably and walked over to Cratey.

“You’re right.” Ed said sadly. “We can never be together you and I. For my skin will always mark me as different, as a killer! As one doomed to walk this earth alone forever, no friends, no soul-mate, no love…”

‘TOING!’

‘POW!’

“WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME WHO GETS HIT WITH THE CRATE?!” Ed exclaimed, finding himself under the silver wired covered crate.

Pinkie turned to Dan and grinned, flashing her boyfriend a thumbs up.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed from Dan’s shoulder.

“Video game system?” Dan asked simply.

“It’s in the throne room!” Pinkie declared happily.

Dan nodded and turned to Becky. “You think you can get one of these giant iguanas to help us get out of here?”

Becky smile and nodded as one of the tall lizard people put a reassuring claw on her shoulder. “I’m sure we can work that out.”

“Can I take my nun’s habit off now?” Ninja Dave asked as he sheathed his weapon.

Dan sighed. “Fine! You big whiner.”

“Hey, Dan?” Dave called out.

“What is it now!?” Dan replied in a mildly irritated tone.

Dave smiled. “Thanks for inviting me along. This was fun.”

“Uh…sure…you’re welcome.” Dan replied sheepishly.

“WE WILL HAVE VENGEANCE!”

The group turned as two Vampire’s quickly fled the throne room and bee-lined for a tunnel out of the grand hall.

“YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF THE VAMPIRES!” The male vampire called, shaking an angry fist at the group as he and the female vampire disappeared into the dimness of another the tunnel.

Pinkie calmly walked out of the throne room holding the video game system and shrugged.

Dan smiled at her. “Alright, goofball. Let’s go home…”

A group of lizard people motioned for the humans to follow them down another hall.

Dave quietly made his way next to Becky. “So uh…now that we’re totally done killing vampires…”

Becky smiled up at him. “Hmmm-hmmm?”

“Would you maybe…uh…like to catch a movie with me sometime?”

Becky grinned. “I’d like that.” She reached a hand and wrapped her fingers around one of Dave’s hands. “I’d like that a lot.”

Dave smiled as the two walked hand and hand towards the exit.

Pinkie elbowed Dan excitedly as she pointed out towards Dave and Becky. “Hehehehe,” she giggled, “isn’t that great?!”

“Ugh,” Dan replied reaching for his girlfriend’s hand, “this mushy stuff still turns my stomach.”

“You don’t say?” Pinkie replied with a knowing smile as she swung her and Dan’s hand back and forth.

***

“That’s a wrap.” A voice called out from the T.V.

Dan and Pinkie sat on the couch together, the flickering light of their video game washing them in a myriad of bright colors.

Cratey sat upright against the wall, Mr. Mumbles curled up atop the wooden warrior.

Dan grinned wide. “See! Without our video games you have trouble remembering how much better I am than you!” He said conceitedly.

Pinkie merely chuckled softly and placed her controller on the coffee table in front of her.

“Giving up already?” Dan asked with a smirk.

Pinkie looked at Dan with hungry eyes and placed her hands over his arms, pinning Dan to the couch.

“Not exactly.” She replied.

Dan gulped, unsure of what Pinkie would do next.

Pinkie leaned her head down and whispered into Dan’s ear. “I have a promise to keep.”

“Huh, what proMMMMPHPGH?! MMMMGHPGH! Mmghph? Mmmmm…” Dan uttered as Pinkie covered his mouth with hers and his startled, muffled cries quickly changed to content, gentle hums.

Pinkie’s hands released Dan’s arms as she began to curly her pink polished nails under his shirt and lift it up.

Soon, Dan forgot about the game he was playing with Pinkie or much of anything else, deciding instead to reciprocate the kiss and the act of removing his lover’s outfit from her body.

***

“You two are pathetic!” Steve called out, still under the giant rock that was pressing against his chest.

“Ulgh…” Sarah moaned out. “You wouldn’t be saying that if she danced with you!” This is like a hundred times worse than the worst hangover I’ve ever had.”

“Seriously…” James said weakly in agreement.

“Yes, I’m sure it’s much worse than having your chest crushed by a giant rock!” Steve shouted out.

The group paused at the sound of approaching footsteps.

“Hey guys…” Ed said in a saddened tone.

“Hey! Ed!” Steve said, uncharacteristically happy to see the other vampire for a change. “Could you help get this thing off of me? Oh, how we’d do by the way.”

“Uh…boss is dead.” Ed informed. “Like…super dead.”

“WHAT?!”  The other vampire’s exclaimed simultaneously.

“That’s not even the worst thing that happened…” Ed continued.

“Ed, what could be worse than the boss getting offed?” James demanded.

Ed began to sniffle. “Sniff…that pink haired girl shot me down…”

“Ed, you are such a loser!” Sarah said. “She shoot you down within five minutes of meeting you!”

Ed sighed. “I knew we could never be together…”

“Look, this is very sad and all, but can you please get this dumb rock offa me?!”

“Not yet,” Ed sated pulling out a folded up piece of notebook paper, “I wrote a few poems about this whole experience I wanna share with you guys.”

“…”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” The vampires screamed as Ed began to read dramatically from the sheet of paper in front of him.

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Epilogue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week Epilogue

*****

“Hey, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash said, greeting her friend from Twilight’s library on the other side of the large, ornate mirror. “You’ll never guess what happened to me!”

Pinkie sat giddily on the edge of her and Dan’s bed, wearing her red floral shirt and a pair of jean shorts.

“Oooo! Oooo! Uh…you ate a sandwich?”

“Uh, well that’s true, but think a bit more exciting.” Rainbow Dash replied.

“You ate a really good sandwich!” Pinkie suggested.

“More exiting!”

“You ate your weight in delicious sandwiches!”

“No! Nothing to do with sandwiches!”

“…you ate…”

“Or food.”

Pinkie paused and really gave her next answer some thought. “Hmmmmmm…You got married?”

“What?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Don’t you think if I got married you would have at least heard of the special stallion or mare, first?”

Pinkie thought some more, placing a finger against her cheek. “…You got secret married to a hot stallion and a pair of sexy filly twins.” Pinkie suggested

“I…well, no…” Rainbow Dash smiled. “But that dooooes, sound pretty awesome.” She admitted.

“Welp, I’m out of ideas.” Pinkie announced. “So, what’s the big news?!”

From the other side of the mirror, Rainbow Dash grinned from pointed ear to pointed ear.

“They made me an official Wonderbolt!”

Pinkie paused, inhaled an absolutely enormous amount of air, and began to shriek at the top of her lungs.

“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Dan poked his head in the bedroom. “Is this, ‘help, help I’m in peril’ screeching, or ‘girly meltdown’ screeching.”

“Uh, ‘girly meltdown’.” Pinkie answered.

Dan rolled his eyes “Well, keep it down, will ya? I’m trying to watch my shows!” He added, retreating back into the small apartments living area.

“I have no idea what you see in that guy.” Rainbow Dash admitted.

“Awww, come on!” Pinkie said with a smile. “We have lots of fun together!”

Rainbow Dash grinned mischievously, “So I’ve heard.”

“Wait...” Pinkie said, her smile dropping slightly. “Heard figuratively or literally?”

“Uh…” Dash attempted to process the odd turn of phrase. “I’m not sure what you mean…” She admitted.

“I mean, did you hear that from Twilight or Rarity, or was it more like…pant…huff…moan…Oh YES! Yes, Dan!...moan…Yes, yes, yesYESYESYES!”

Rainbow Dash stared out blankly at Pinkie. “Uh…the former…” She said.

Dan poked his head in again and stared at Pinkie with a perplexed look on his face.

Pinkie leaned her head and the rest of her body back far enough so she was staring at Dan upside down while she sported a large, Cheshire cat grin. “Just a little preview of later on…” She offered.

Dan grinned wickedly. “Alright, carry on…” He said, once again heading back towards the T.V.

Rainbow Dash merely shook her head as Pinkie leaned her body and head forward again to look at her. “So, my incredibly awesome news aside, what have you been up to?”

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “Nothing that compares with becoming a Wonderbolt.” She replied.

“Well, of course not!” Rainbow Dash responded. “But something cool must have happened to you recently.”

“Uh…just the stuff that normally happens to me, here.” Pinkie replied with a small smile as she raised her hand in a shrug. “You know, getting mental scars from this planet, having to deal with people from Dan’s past, accidently causing mayhem, having to deal with the supernatural…that sort of stuff…”

“That uh…sounds rather interesting, actually…” Rainbow commented.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe…I guess so…I’m just so used to it, now. Sometimes, it just seems like this can go on forever!” She said with a large grin.

***

Waiting…

Waiting…

They say ‘Waiting is the hardest part’.

And perhaps they are right.

..Whomever they me be…it likely varies from world to world, and maybe ‘they’ do not say that at all on some.

And on others, there is not a ‘they’ to say much of anything.

Those are the best world.

Anyhow, in this place, waiting isn’t the ‘hardest part’, it is the only part.

It is a quiet place, an orderly place…

…a perfect place.

A place to sit, though we have all long since lost the need for ‘sitting’.

A place to wait, wait until all worlds are like this place.

Quiet, orderly, perfect.

A place to count, count like the hands on a giant clock, the largest, in fact. One that counts down to the end, the end of all wrongness, all chaos, all change.

In a dim place devoid of activity, save the lazily floating black blue haze that covers everything. A single, glowing halo hangs in the air over a pair of bored looking eyes. A change of color that lights the fog like lamps in the night. Though, aside from the barren ground and the haze, there isn’t really anything to see.

A pair of eyes belonging to an entity who sits, or hovers as it were, waits, and counts.

Tik.

Tok.

Is the great countdown even accurate?

The Warper is, no doubt, still out there…somewhere…causing ripples of change…

…ripples that will turn into waves…

…waves that will turn into a tsunami.

And then the great countdown will need to be recalculated again.

True, her ability is not unique. But it is an unwanted ability for an otherwise orderly world.

…

To be rid of gender…and the worlds where such a thing even exists…That will be nice.

If only she was born to an already chaotic world where her abilities could be planned for, calculated, and even predicted.

Such a troublesome world.

Two causes for intervention in just a bit over a millennium.

And now she is somewhere else, no doubt causing ripples on another world.

Tik.

Tok.

…

Waiting…

Waiting…

“Sire?” Another set of eyes appear. Adding their glow to the vast emptiness. This set is wider, somewhat worried looking.

The bored looking eyes shifted to look upon the new set.

Speech, such an archaic device. If only we had no use for such a thing.

Oh well…

All things in time.

And time is something we will never run out of it.

 “Yes?” A deep voice rung out from the darkness, answering the first. The fog around the eyes rippled slightly from the auditory response.

“We found The Warper.”

The set of bored looking eyes changed to convey surprise.

Hmmm…

It will be nice to be rid of expressions as well…

“Good. How was she found?”

There was a pause, as if this other set of eyes was afraid what would happened once it spoke. “…there was…a flux in magic energy.”

“What?”

The already worried eyes managed to look even more worried, as if the entity that owned them would have swallowed, if such a thing was still possible.

“Two large transfers of magic energy to The Warpers new location, through an open channel of energy.” The voice paused, then added, “A channel that appears to have been open since we lost her…”

The eyes underneath the glowing halo glowered at the other pair. “Why has this only now been discovered?!”

“Sorry Sire…the channel is balanced, transferring energy both ways…up until this point, fluctuations where within tolerance, only recently did these large shifts of energy occur for The Warpers old world to her new one and alert to the new location…” Another pause. “…there is more…”

“…Continue.”

“The Warper has been using her ability, seemingly beyond what she was doing in her original world.”

Angry looking eyes changed to something resembling a glower.

“Retriever her, bring her here, end her. We shall calculate the damage she has done and see how her mass and energy can be used to best fix this change.” The deep voice commanded.

“Yes, sire…” The second pair of eyes answered, fading back into the haze.

Waiting…

Waiting…

Tik.

TOK.

*****

End Part 8

Part 9 Dan Vs. …: Chapter 67: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Unexpected Trip

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 9 Dan Vs. … Chapter 67: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Unexpected Trip

*****

“I’m still not sure why you all insist on coming to these places.” Elise stated, glancing at her husband and staring at Pinkie and Dan on the other side of the booth.

Chris shrunk away from his wife slightly as he continued eating from his giant stack of pancakes amongst his other dishes. The mostly empty plates speaking volumes regarding his purpose for coming along.

Dan didn’t even bother to look up from his turkey sandwich.

“Ah, come on, Elise!” Pinkie replied cheerfully, wearing her pink dress and small blue jacket. “We always have so much fun!”

“You two have fun!” Elise corrected, pointing in Pinkie’s and Dan’s direction. “Chris and I are mostly happy just to get away before the cops show up.” Elise scanned the Lenny’s. “Frankly, I don’t get what keeps you two coming back time and time again. You seem to hate the ambience, the drinks, anything that’s baked…”

“But they serve breakfast, all day!” Pinkie protested as she dug her fork into her hot sauced drenched eggs and sausages.

“Also, the fact that we hate it makes it easier to terrorize,” Dan added.

“Yeah, that too,” Pinkie agreed, nodding vigorously before taking a bite of her food.

“And look!” Dan motioned out to a familiar, blond haired, California tanned waitress. “Familiar faces!”

The waitress, in turn, glanced over and glowered at the table as she continued taking the order of a rambunctious family, mumbling something barely audible about an inability to escape her tormentors.

Elise sighed. “Well, it would just be nice if we could eat our food and leave. Rather than have to flee the premises, for a change.”

“Awww, but running away is half the fun!” Pinkie declared.

Chris swallowed a large bite of pancake. “Maybe you guys can let Elise have this one, we don’t have to set off a syrup bomb or steal shelving to construct functional, medieval siege weaponry.”

“Don’t have to, but should anyway,” Dan replied.

Chris opened his mouth to speak again, but paused, instead looking past Dan and Pinkie.

“What are you staring at, jerkface?” Dan asked. “Did Pinkie splatter food all over me with her crazy slurping again?”

Pinkie put a pout on her face. “But, I was showing restraint this time!” She protested.

“No, that’s not it…” Chris said, continuing to stare out behind the couple. “Isn’t that…uh…the guy?”

“There are lots of guys here, in case you didn’t notice, nimrod.” Dan stated flatly. “You know, world is about fifty percent full of them? It’d be pretty terrifying if the world was, say…mostly females by some sort of crazy high margin.”

Pinkie giggled nervously.

Elise squinted, looking past Dan and Pinkie. “Hey! I think you’re right!”

Pinkie and Dan turned in their booth and looked behind them.

At another booth across the restaurant, a man with Dan’s stature sat and carried on what looked to be a happy conversation with a woman across the table from him. His hair was a cut similar to Dan’s, though much better kept. Similarly his face was cleaning shaven, save a triangular soul patch. His eyes were also blue instead of green with a much softer look. He wore a light blue button up shirt and a pair of jeans.

Dan flinched.

Pinkie smiled and giggled. “Hehehe…Hey, he can be your twin.”

“Yeah, my evil twin.” Dan stated.

“Huh?” Pinkie uttered in a confused tone.

Elise cleared her throat.

Dan turned back in his seat to see Elise and Chris giving him a pair of bemused looks as if they were saying ‘Seriously?’ with their expressions.

“Eviler twin.” Dan corrected, shooting a glare at Chris and Elise.

The married couple’s expressions remained unchanged.

“What!?” Dan protested angrily. “He tried to steal my identity and got me thrown in jail! That’s got to count for something!”

“Wait…” Pinkie said. She turned back in the booth and looked at Dan. “That’s the guy who impersonated you?” She asked with wide eyes.

“I swear on my Grandma’s grave.” Dan replied.

“Dan, you and I both know that doesn’t count for much.” Pinkie responded.

“I uh…” Dan thought for a moment. “I swear on your Grandma’s grave?”

Pinkie gasped. “Granny Pie?!” She immediately stood up and exited the booth and started walking over to Dan’s doppelganger.

“Uh-oh…” Elise uttered.

-

“Well… I just enjoy giving back to the community, so much…” The man in the blue shirt said to the woman across from him who continued to smile and nod enthusiastically.  “Just a quiet, simple life of helping others, making friends.” He grinned warmly. “I mean, stirring up the pot just leaves room for something to come back and bite you when you least expect it.” He chuckled. “Not that I’d know anything about that…”

The woman paused, as Pinkie walked into view. Looming over the couple’s booth.

“Uh, hello…I don’t believe you and I have had the pleasure of meeting, yet, I mean…I never forget a face, and you look like someone who’s clearly put a lot of thought into their image.” Dan’s look alike said with a warm smile as he extended a hand to the mystery woman in a pink dress. “I’m Dan.”

Pinkie grinned and looked over the short man with slightly crazed, wild eyes. “No you’re not.” She replied.

The woman and man in the booth exchanged a quick, confused glanced.

“I’m not?” He asked.

“No, you see…I’m Dan’s girlfriend…” Pinkie’s smile grew even wider as her eyes narrowed. “…and I’m completely out of my mind.”

The man in the blue shirt expression turned worried and scanned the restaurant. He caught sight of Dan and shot him a small pleading look.

Dan merely shrugged in response.

“Uh, Dan?” The woman called out. “I’m gonna go and let you sort this out…”

“No wait…” Dan* protested.

“You might want to let her leave.” Pinkie advised. “She probably doesn’t want to see what’s coming next?”

Dan* turned back to Pinkie. “No hold on a second, we’re both reasonably people…I’m sure we can work this out.”

Pinkie glared in reply. “If you were almost anyone else in the whole wide world, that might have been an option. But…you’re you…isn’t that right,” Pinkie’s eye twitched and she ground her teeth rapidly as she smiled wide and madly, “not Dan?”

-o

“Uh, maybe she just wants to talk to him!” Chris suggested hopefully.

“That’s…not very likely.” Dan informed, as he watched Pinkie launch into what appeared to be a heated tirade.

Chris looked at Dan. “Well, she made you apologize to some of the people you’ve wronged before.”

Dan nodded. “Right, the people I’ve wronged. She made me write up an apology list and everything on the chance I’d run into any of them,” He explained.  “But this guy wasn’t on that list “Pinkie added him, herself, to another list.”

Elise winced. “Does that mean what I think it means?” She asked.

Dan reached into his pocket and pulled out a small notepad. He flipped it a few times, then turned it around so Elise and Chris could see.

Chris and Elise’s expressions dropped as they looked over the page.

‘Dan*’, with ‘*Imposter’ written a bit smaller and a bit below, was dead center in the page in bright, glittery pen ink. Additionally, Pinkie had taken time to scrawl out the words ‘die’, ‘pain’, ‘suffering’, ‘death’ and sprinkled multiple renditions of each over the page, dotting each ‘i’ with a heart, and adding a doodle of a chef’s knife through each one. Underneath it all was a drawing of a straight-haired, pink pony smiling madly and holding a large, chef’s knife.

“Oh, dear…”  Chris muttered.

“This won’t end well.” Elise said, shaking her head.

Dan grinned. “Says you!” He turned back towards his girlfriend and the man who was the spitting image of himself. “I’m looking forward to seeing how this plays out.”

-

“Look, uh…this is getting rather heated.” Dan* mentioned, as he looked around and realized the restaurant patrons had all started to take interest in the heated discussion between him and Pinkie. “Maybe we can take this outside?”

Pinkie’s grin grew wider as the look in her eyes grew madder. “Sure!” She replied, reading down to grab the short man by his shirt color. “You first.”

The man in the blue shirt gulped.

‘Krrriissssssssh!’

‘THUD!’

‘Tink…tink...’

Dan’s imposter moaned painfully from the sidewalk outside the restaurant as he laid in amongst the shards of broken glass from the new ex-window he had been thrown out of.

“Oh, come on!” The waitress shouted as she looked out of the broken window.

“Book it!” Dan shouted, quickly getting out of his booth and heading for the exit.

Also experts at fleeing restaurants at this point, Chris and Elise followed suit.

The group’s waitress sighed as she buried her face in her palm. “I can’t believe none of my managers will ever let me throw you all out!” She exclaimed.

“Ahem.”

The blonde woman looked up into the grinning face of Pinkie.

Pinkie, in turn, was holding a cup full of some bright orange liquid and wasted no times splashing the contents in the waitresses face.

The waitress shrieked and collapsed to the ground “WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS HAVE TO THROW SODA?!” She screamed as she clutched at her face.

*

The two sets of couples sprinted to the blue sedan, opened doors, sat down, and buckled seat belts like clockwork.

Chris quickly started the car, Elise sitting in the passenger seat, Dan and Pinkie sitting in the back.

Chris quickly pulled the car out of the parking lot and into the street.

The occupants remained silent for a bit until Dan spoke up.

“Pinkie…did you just throw that man through a plate glass window?”

Pinkie smiled a wide, toothy grin. “ I diiiiiid~!”

 Dan paused. “…Pinkie, you are going to get so many smoochees when I get you alone!” Dan declared with a smile.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe, I thought that’d make you happy.”

“I’m not so sure that was a good idea, guys…” Elise spoke up.

Dan sighed. “Here comes the fun police.”

“Dan,” Elise continued, “you know that guy can show crazy dedication towards vengeance, putting in time, money, and effort that even you would think is extreme.”

“Awww, come on guys…” Pinkie said a bit nervously. “You know Dan and I can handle anything.”

Chris glanced up at the car ceiling briefly then back to the road. “I don’t know, Pinkie. I’m with Elise on this. That guy must have spent a small fortune just to get Dan into jail for several weeks, who knows what he’ll do because you threw him through a window and interrupted a date.”

Pinkie expression turned uncharacteristically worried. She felt a comforting hand on her thigh.

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Dan said. “If he shows up seeking revenge, you and I can show him what real vengeance looks like.”

Pinkie placed a hand on Dan’s, smiled, and nodded slightly. “You’re right Dan. If he gets out of line, we’ll give him the ol’ Dan and Pinkie special!” Pinkie declared, emphatically throwing her free fist up.

Dan leaned over and grabbed Pinkie’s fist, and opened the hand, interlacing his fingers with her. “You sweet talker, you…”

“Let me guess,” Elise said, “The Dan and Pinkie special involves fire.”

“Lots!” Pinkie confirmed.

Dan grinned wickedly, “You know what? Forget getting you alone. I think you deserve some smoochees right now.”

Pinkie giggled and leaned forward towards Dan as the couple pursed their lips, and pressed them against each other.

“Mwah…Mwah…”

Chris and Elise smiled and rolled their eyes.

“Chris, we better get these two home before they start undressing each other,” Elise said.

“Better hurry…” Dan purred with a grin.

Pinkie tittered quietly and continued to make-out with her boyfriend.

“Mwah…Mwah…”

Chris’s expression changed to one of concerned. “I’ll drive fast…”

***

Dan and Pinkie excited the car, the two scotching out of the same side of the car, arms wrapped around each other and lips locked firmly against the others’.

“Alright, you two.” Elise said leaning her head out the car window. “Just keep your eye’s peeled for any potential retaliation from you know who.”

“Mwah…” Pinkie broke from her smooch fest with Dan to turn to her maroon haired friend. “Don’t worry Elise, Dan and I can handle anything and everything!”

Elise smirked and waved. “Just call us if you two end up in over your heads.”

“Pffft…” Dan waved his hand dismissively. “Like that could happen.”

Elise rolled her eyes, but continued to smile. “See you two later!”

Chris stuck his hand out the window. “See you guys!”

“Bye-bye!” Pinkie replied waving enthusiastically.

“Sure, whatever, bye…” Dan uttered.

The blue sedan sped down the street away from the two.

Dan turned back to Pinkie with a wicked grin. “Now were where we?”

“Oh! I know!” Pinkie replied. She leaned in and placed her lips over Dan’s once more.

“Mwah…Mwah…”

Pinkie’s eyes suddenly shot open, and she ceased returning Dan’s affection.

“Pinkie? Are you okay? Why’d you stop? We were just getting to the good part…”

Pinkie held Dan at arm’s length. “My knee is pinchy!” She exclaimed in a worried tone.

“Uh…and that means?”

“Something scary is about to happen!”

“Pinkie…something scary happens to use like…twice a week minimum.” Dan said in a slightly irritated tone.

“Sure, by normal people standards…but if my knee is pinchy it means something really bad must be about to happen...WHOA!”

Pinkie began to tremble and shake, almost violently so.

“Uh…Pinkie?”

Pinkie’s worried expression turned down right panicky. “Something big is going to happen, Dan…Something REALLY big! What if that guy comes seeking revenge! What if he really is a lot of trouble?!”

“Look, if he does come after us, we’ll take care of him. We’re an unstoppable team!”

“But he’s like…crazy smart…and well…just plain crazy!” Pinkie argued. “Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown him through that window...”

“Hey, let’s not start talking crazy now.” Dan said as he raised his palms in front of him. “Look, let’s just get up to the apartment, sit on the couch, and have a nice relaxing…or not so nice, crazy evening together.” Dan suggested.

Pinkie’s expression softened a bit. “Well…that does sound pretty good…” She quickly put her panicked expression back on. “But what if he booby-trapped the apartment?”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “He was still on the ground when we were driving off, goofball. Not exactly a lot of time to get here before us.”

Pinkie gave a small sigh of relief. “I guess you’re right.”

“Look…” Dan put a comforting arm around his girlfriend and began to lead her up the stairs. “We’re going to open the apartment door, and nothing will be in there.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” Dan replied with a nod.

“Okay Dan…” Pinkie said weakly.

Dan shook his head. “You’re making a way bigger deal of this…here…” He reached out for the apartment door and motioned inside.

“See! Nothing in…oh…”

Pinkie screamed.

Nothing was exactly what was in the apartment; a swirling mass of black and blue void that erupted forth from the door as an angry cloud and enveloped the couple then quickly dissipated into thin air.

…and nothing was what was left behind.

Part 9 Dan Vs. The Order Keepers: Chapter 68: Dan Vs. The Nexus

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 9 Dan Vs. The Order KeepersChapter 68: Dan Vs. The Nexus

*****

Two things were very clear to Dan.

Pinkie was screaming like a banshee, and something was trying to take her away from him.

The latter seemed easier to the deal with at the moment.

Dan held tight despite the fact that he couldn’t actually see anything. He could feel something though…

Wait…that’s her hand right? I have her hand…

Okay…that doesn’t feel like a hand anymore…it feels…hard…and…furry?

Whatever, like hellI’m letting go.

Whatever these things are, if they want Pinkie, they’re about to find out she’s a package deal, and her boyfriend isn’t very keen on the idea of intradimensional beings who break into his apartment and try to kidnap his girlfriend.

Huh…are we…falling? It’s like being on a roller coaster except it’s completely dark…

I wonder when we’ll…

‘THUD!’

“OOOFF!”

“EEEEK!”

…stop…

“Uhlg…” Dan pushed himself off the barren ground, leaning on one arm as he rubbed the other over his face. His face which had just greeted the ground forcefully.

Well, at least that was Pinkie’s girly shriek, I hope she’s…

Dan paused as he saw a familiar mop of pink hair.

Pinkie stood up. “Da…Dan? Where are we!? What happened! Oh my gosh! I think TOK just kidnapped us!”

“Pinkie?”

“Dan! What are we going to do!?” Pinkie asked in a panicked tone “Oh, this is so bad! So very, very, very, very, very bad!”

“Pinkie!”

“I mean, we’ve been in bad situations before! But, this is like the Count, Grand Duke, Royal Vizier, King, Emperor of Bad Situation Land, right here!”

“PINKIE!”

“Oh Celstia, I’m gonna freak out! Can I freak out?! Dan is it okay to freak out! Oh geez, I’m doing it! I’m freaking out! I mean…out of all the things that can happened that warrant freaking out, this has got to be like way, way, way at the top of the ;okay to freak out about; list!”

“PIIIIINKIEEEEEEEEEEEE PIEEEEEEE!”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie replied. “Wait…” She gave Dan a quick look up and down. “Since when are you taller than me.” Pinkie gasped. “Did I shrink?!”

Dan sighed.

Well, at least there’s absolutelyno question as to if it’s her, or not.

“No, Pinkie, you’re...”

“Oh my gosh, are my legs gone?! Give it to me straight Dan! I’m a big girl! I can take it. Are my legs gone?! ARE THE?! TELL ME! TELL ME IF MY LEGS ARE GONE! OH CELESTIA, PLEASE DON’T SAY MY LEGS ARE GONE!”

“You’re legs are fine, goofball.” Dan informed. “Uh…I think…”

Pinkie quickly blanked her expression and dialed down her panic into a worried expression. “What do you mean, you think?”

Dan sighed. “Just look for yourself.”

Pinkie finally glanced at her own appendages, taking note that where pale, pink human legs, arms, feet, and hands once were, bright pinkly colored pony legs and hooves now extended from her torso.

Pinkie gasped as much oxygen as she physically could. “I’m ME again!” She said excitedly. “Oh my gosh! Ohmygosh!” Pinkie began to bounce on all fours, circling around Dan who simply stood his in place and followed her with his eyes with a perplexed expression.

“Wheeeeeee! I missed pronking so much! Dan come pronk with…” Pinkie stopped dead in her tracks and put on the worried expression to end all worried expressions.

“DAN! I’M NOT HUMAN ANY MORE!” Pinkie shirked.

“Yeah, I got that…” Dan replied.

“OH MY CELESTIA! MY BOYFRIEND IS A DIFFERENT SPECIES FROM ME!” Pinkie screamed, her voice becoming increasingly shrill.

“Pinkie, just calm down, this isn’t the time…”

Pinkie zipped up to Dan, stood on her hind legs, and grasped at his shirt as best she could with her forehooves. “DAN?! CAN YOU LOVE A PONY?!”

“I uh…what!?”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!” Pinkie said, her voice a high pitched screech at this point. “CAN YOU LOVE A PONY!?”

Dan pondered the question and the implications, looking his recently returned to pony form girlfriend up and down.

She doesn’t mean…

Uh…we’ll sort thatout later…waylater, hopefully…

Pinkie whimpered and began to tremble as she leaned against Dan.

Geez, I need to calm her down and get bothour heads in the game, here.

“Uh…yes, Pinkie, I can love a pony.” Dan assured.

Pinkie breathed a giant sigh of relief. “Oh! Thank you! THANKYOUTHANKYOU!”

Pinkie wrapped her forehooves around Dan and gave him a deep, passionate kiss.

Dan’s eyes went wide, and he quickly pried Pinkie off of him.

“Bleh, Ptuu…” Dan doubled over and began to spit.

Pinkie’s pupils shrank to the size of pin-pricks as she landed on her hooves. “Dan! I’m sorry, what did I do?”

“Uh…not your fault.” Dan replied, holding a palm up and out. “I’m just not use to getting fur in my mouth when you kiss me.”

“Oh…” Pinkie said weakly, looking completely dejected.

Dan gave his girlfriend another look over.

I can neverresist that face…

Even if it’s now on a pony…

Dan lowered himself to his knees, and gently placed his fist under Pinkie’s chin, raising her face so she was looking into his green eyes, with her big, watery, sky-blue eyes.

“Hey, we’ll figure this all out. Okay?”

“Sniff…Really?” Pinkie said with a small smile.

Dan nodded. “You’re still the woman I love…even if you’re a pony…uh…” Dan glanced to the side for a split second “…again.”

Pinkie’s expression exploded with joy as she launched herself at her boyfriend, tackling him to the ground.

“Gahk!” Dan uttered as he felt his back crack as legs wrapped tightly around him.

“I love you, too, Dan…” Pinkie uttered.

Dan gently wrapped his arms around Pinkie. “Yeah, you and me against the world.”

Pinkie began to sob gently in Dan’s arms. “Wouldn’t…wouldn’t have it any other way…”

“Uh, speaking of worlds, and …as much as I hate to interrupt this mushy moment…” Dan looked around at the dim, black blue surroundings, lit by stars that barely pierced the fog. “…Where are we?”

Pinkie loosened her grip and stood up, whipped a foreleg across her eyes, and looked around. “Oh…well…we’re someplace I never been before!” She informed.

Dan sighed. “Thanks, genius. You’re a lot of help.”

Pinkie smiled back at her boyfriend. “Anytime!” She replied happily.

Dan stood to his feet and continued to take in his surroundings. “Didn’t Sparkler mention something about those cloudy guys?”

“Oh, right!” Pinkie replied. “She said that TOK’s world looked like this! Which means…” Pinkie gasped again. “Dan! We’re in the Nexus!”

“Awesome sauce…” Dan replied flatly. “How do we get out?”

“Uh…I have no idea!” Pinkie informed cheerfully.

“Of course you don’t…” Dan sighed out.

“Hey…Dan?”

“What is it, goofball?” Dan uttered in an irritated tone.

“Thanks for being here for me…”

“Uh, sure…it’s what I’m here for.” Dan replied. He began to scan the foggy, barren environment again, “Now if only we can find a way back…”

“Oooo! Oooo! I have an idea!”

Dan sighed. “I’m sure it’ll be stupid, but what?”

“You can spin me around and around, and where ever I point when I stop spinning is where we’ll go!” Pinkie suggested with a giant smile

Dan sighed. “I’ll let you know if we get that desperate.” Dan pointed out into the fog. “We’re going this way.”

“Why,” Pinkie asked as she giggled, “hehe… the air doesn’t smell so foul that way?”

Dan chuckled. “Heh, not quite goofball.” Dan paused and continued to stare out. “I dunno…I just know that’s the way we’re supposed to head.”

“Hmmm…” Pinkie considered this, then grinned. “When did you get all sixth sensey?”

“Your dumb pony sense must be rubbing off on me…” Dan mused.

“Pinkie sense.” Pinkie corrected.

“Whatever…we better get moving…” Dan said as he begun to walk in the direction he had indicated. “We’re missing some quality TV.” He added nonchalantly.

Pinkie began to walk with him. “We’ve just been transported to another dimension, and you’re concerned we’re going to miss a rerun of Population Control Johnny?!” Pinkie asked in surprise. “Geez, and everyone says I’m crazy…”

Dan shrugged. “We’re together, that’s all that matters.” He assured. “I’m sure you and I can handle whatever this place has to throw at us.”

Pinkie paused briefly, then smiled. “You’re awesome, you know that?”

Dan grinned. “I’m quite aware.”

“Well, it bears repeating,” Pinkie asserted as she trotted over to Dan and rubbing herself against him not unlike a cat…if a cat was substantially larger, pink, and also a pony.

“Uh…hey…” Dan uttered, lightly patting Pinkie’s mane.

Pinkie looked up with a slightly worried expression. “I’m sorry…am I freaking you out? Please let me know if I’m freaking you out…”

Dan smiled, and began to stroke Pinkie’s mane as he walked. “Naw…I’m just not used to you being a pony.” He said. “I’m not exactly sure what I should be doing with my hands.” He frowned. “It’s like working out our physical relationship all over again…”

Pinkie giggled. “You think you had it bad?!” Pinkie squeaked out. “I only had hands for a few months before we started getting all gropey with each other!”

Dan went silent.

Pinkie’s face changed to a worried pout. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to remind you that…”

“Hehehe…” Dan began to chuckle, a chuckle that quickly turned into full blown laughter, “..hehehehahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..!”

Pinkie grinned, began to giggle, and then quickly joined in the laughter.  “HehehehehehahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..!”

The two laughed and laughed, completely unaware that the fog around them began to clear and the area around them brighten as they did.

-

Unbeknownst to Dan and Pinkie, dozens of sets of eyes had begun to gather above them. The eyes drifted some distance away, keeping pace with the odd couple, and observed the two as they trecked through the fogs of the Nexus.

“What are they doing?” A voice echoed out quietly.

“They seem to be…having some sort of spasms…” Another answered.

“Well, I meant to the Nexus, itself…but yes, that’s rather disturbing too…” The, first replied.

“Corporeal beings are so…strange…and disgusting,” A third voice declared.

“Enough,” A stern voice commanded. “The human should not even be here…”

“It must be The Warpers abilities,” one of the voices mused.

“Perhaps,” The stern voice replied, “but that hardly matters. We attack. Separate them, return the human to his world,” He ordered. “I will deal with The Warper once the human is away.”

With that, a mass of blue and black fog fell from the sky in a torrent, hitting the ground and surrounding Dan in Pinkie in sphere of gloom and darkness.

The two drew closer together, standing back to back…or flank to flank in this case…

“Dan! I’m scared…” Pinkie admitted as she tried to press herself against Dan as tightly as possible.

“I got this!” Dan assured. “DRAGON STANCE!” He shouted, raising his hands into the sky and lifting a foot into the air in an attempt at a martial arts stance.

The Order Keepers drew closer, closing up the half sphere of open air Pinkie and Dan occupied.

“Hiya! HEYA! Hiiiya!” Dan vainly chopped and kicked at The Order Keepers, his hands and feet passing harmlessly through them as they simply bellowed out of the way and continued to reduce the open air to almost nothing.

“Da…Dan? It’s not working…”Pinkie stammered out.

“It’ll work!” Dan insisted. “I’m just not punching hard enoughWHOA.”

The Order Keepers suddenly closed in on the couple.

Dan threw himself on top of Pinkie, grabbing hold with all his strength.

He felt a strong physical force pull at the couple. A force that began to separate the two. Try as he might, his hands were unable to hold tight to fur, or even Pinkie’s mane which had often trapped his hand in its mass of curls.

Dan felt one of his hands slip off Pinkie as it was pulled behind him, watched as the blackness in front of him cleared as he strained with all his might to hold onto Pinkie’s foreleg.

He looked into Pinkie’s pleading, watery, blue eyes as uncaring eyes behind her and blackness began to pull Pinkie into a circular, dark blue rift in the gloom. He watched as the void began to consume her, his hand, slipping more and more as she was pulled away from him and he away from her.

Dan’s pupils shrank to almost nothing as he lost his grip on Pinkie’s hoof.

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” Pinkie shrieked as her eyes pleaded with him, her hair deflating and turning straight.

“PIIIIIIIIINKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Dan screamed, still reaching out as the blackness consumed him and dragged him away into his own rift.

Dan began to feel the blackness around him, almost as if it were a tangible thing; something trying to drowned him, something trying to take him away.

To take him away from her…

“No…” Dan uttered.

“No!” He shouted, as the desperation in has face fell away as determination rose to take its place.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Dan roared into the void.

The feeling stopped. The blackness passed, shifting quickly to the blue-black dimness, then purple, then a crimson red glow that seemed to push the void away.

Confused looking eyes stared back at Dan as his face contorted into a look of absolute rage beyond anything he had managed before.

“What happened?!” A voice called out.

“Send him back!” Another shouted.

“It’s not working!” A panicked voice called.

“What is he?!” Another rang out.

Dan focused his eyes, his fury, and his pure, burning rage at what was in front of him.

He no longer saw The Order Keepers as invincible, untouchable clouds of flickering energy. He only saw obstacles and targets for his anger.

Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens. This time, the heavens responded. The thick air around him fled, replaced instead by a crackling red energy that shot off from Dan like lightening out in all directions. The very ground shook at his primal scream.

“THE ORDER KEEEEEEEEEEEEEPEEEEEEERS!”
Dan Vs.
THE ORDER KEEPERS

Part 9 Dan Vs. The Order Keepers: Chapter 69: Dan Vs. Incorporeal Beings

Part 9 Dan Vs. The Order Keepers: Chapter 69: Dan Vs. Incorporeal Beings

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 9 Dan Vs. The Order Keepers

Chapter 69: Dan Vs. Incorporeal Beings

-oooooo-

“What do we do?!” A frantic voice called out from the mist.

Confused eyes suspended in the swirling mass of thick black and blue fog stared out at Dan as went around and around in their mad circle.  The Order Keepers were thick around him, choking out the dim light of the stars above.

It mattered little, light seem to emanate from the man himself, a flickering crimson that beamed out in all directions as he ragefully glanced back and forth, determining his next move.

“We try again.” Another voice called out. “The human must leave. His very presence is disturbing the Nexus.”

With that, the heavy fog fell on Dan, choking out his light.

Once again he felt as if something was pulling on him, attempting to drag him away from this place.

Away from Pinkie.

He felt the pull on his body as the thickness around him increased, almost as if he was weighted down and being dragged deeper and deeper into a pool of oil.

Two things were very clear to Dan.

He needed to get back to Pinkie, and these things needed to be punched in the face.

The latter seemed easier to the deal with at the moment.

Dan punched with all his might…

‘CRACK!’

…and hit something solid.

A chorus of panic and confusion rang out.

“What is going on?!”

“What is happening?!”

“Our…our selves!”

The fog began to clear, and light of the stars began to shine once more as did the flickering crimson light that seemed to push the very essence of the Nexus away from him.

A gaunt, tall, thin, hairless, genderless blue-black humanoid creature reeled from Dan’s blow, sprawling out on the floor below.

Dan took quick stock of the very swift change that had occurred. He was still being pulled on, but it was now by very tangible sets of hands with four fingers each that held onto his arms, legs, and anywhere there seemed to be open on his body to grab hold of. He was also no longer being pulled with uniformity, but instead found himself being gripped by a number of beings that simply seemed desperate to maintain their footing.

“He’s returned us to the beforetimes!” One of the beings called out in a panicked tone.

Sets of hands began to slip off Dan with the attached beings quickly finding themselves on the floor.

“Help! I haven’t had a body in eons!” A voice rang out.

“GET OFFA ME!” Dan shouted as he twisted and forcefully ripped his limbs out of grasps of the now very corporeal Order Keepers.

The Order Keepers’ hands fell away quickly and easily as the owners attempted to work bodies that hadn’t existed for untold trillions of years.

Dan began to lash out at those lying around him, planting kicks into wide eyed, noseless faces, and stomping on thin, long fingers.

The Order Keepers around him began to shriek and scream.

“AH! PAIN! HE HAS RETURNED PAIN TO US!”

“FLEE! RUN AWAY!”

“HE IS THE RUINATOR, HE WILL BE THE END OF US IF WE DON’T ESCAPE!”

The group began to frantically crawl away from Dan using limbs they barely remembered how to work.

Dan looked around the Nexus, the visibility having cleared. He stared at another rift in the very fabric of the place, a three foot diameter portal that sat parallel with the barren ground a few yards up into the air. Through the portal lined with a swirling, glowing, bright red energy, Dan could see a bird’s eye view of his and Pinkie’s couch and coffee table.

Well, that’ll take us home…

Dan turned around and frowned as he noticed the green lined portal he had been dragged was slowly closing in on itself.

Oh, that’s not good…

*

Straight haired, with eyes completely taken by terror, and a stream of tears that seemed would never end, Pinkie sat on her haunches and looked up into a pair of blank, bright white eyes that stared down at her uncaringly.

“You…you don’t have to do this!” Pinkie pleaded.

“Yes, I do.” A voice replied flatly.

“Pa…please! Just let us go! I didn’t do anything! Dan didn’t do anything.”

“You have disrupted the very fabric of reality itself.” The voice spoke in a tone as if it were simply passing information instead of leveling an accusation.

“But…I didn’t mean to!” Pinkie cried.

The eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “That does not matter, your existence must be ended.” The voice continued to inform. “Are you ready?”

“Na…no…” Pinkie choked out.

The thick blue-black air under the eyes began to crackle with sinister looking energy. “I’m afraid that does not matter, either.”

“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

The two paused at the sound of Dan’s angry scream rang out. The Order Keeper’s bright, white eyes drifted slightly in the tick ether, as if glancing at something that was at one point behind them.

The open air in front of Pinkie and The Order Keeper began to crackle with red energy, energy that hung in the open air like cracks in a stone wall.

‘KRRRRRRRRRRRRRIISSSSSSSSSSSSSH!’

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as she stared past her attacker. The sound she heard was much like breaking glass, but the substance did not seem to exist here.

Something had clearly broke however.

Shards of seemingly stagnant nothing, only distinguishable by the red lines around them fell apart from each other and fell in giant panes against the ground where the energy around them ceased to exist, fizzling out in violent, bright flashes of red light.

Pinkie’s face lit up.

“DAN!” She shouted.

Dan stood motionless as pieces of reality continued to fall and shattered around him, simply staring out with face of unbridled rage at the being in between him and Pinkie Pie.

He leveled an angry index finger at the shadowy mass. “YOU!” He shouted. “Let her go, or I will END you.”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” The voice called out accusingly at Dan.

“WRONG ANSWER!” Dan shouted as he slowly walked closer, red energy flicking off his body as moved forward.

As he approached, the darkness and fog of the void in front of him retreated, as if fleeing some frightening terror.

The pair of eyes turned and quickly focused on Pinkie.

“Please die.” The voice rang out.

Pinkie looked up with a terrified expression “What?”

Energy once again built up in a pool of crackling, blue lightening under the sets of eyes.

Pinkie gazed at it fearfully, then closed her eyes.

‘Shllllink’

‘OWCHIES!’ Pinkie exclaimed as she felt a sharp, stabbing pain in her shoulder.

She opened her eyes and glanced at her pink shoulder to see that it had been stabbed with something sharp, oddly enough. In this case, a blade; jagged as if someone had tried to create a sword in the shape of a real lightning bolt. The blade protruded from the long, thin arm of a rather surprised looking, tall, blue-black being.

‘THUD!’

Dan slammed his body weight into the tall being, shoulder hitting first. The two toppled to the ground as Dan quickly scrambled on top of his foe.

“I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU UNTIL CANDY COMES OUT!” Dan yelled the startled Order Keeper

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE NEXUS?!” The blue-black humanoid yelled as Dan placed a hand on either side of its large, bulbous head.

Dan focused eyes full of hate on the being’s face. “The same thing I’m about to do to your head!”

The Order Keeper’s eyes widened as he suddenly realized his rather likely mortality in his current state.  “Help!” He cried out.

Dan raised the beings head and slammed it against the barren floor with all his might.

‘Thunk’

He repeated the process.

‘Thunk’

‘Thunk’

“Dan!” Pinkie shouted.

‘Thunk’

‘Thunk’

“WHAT?!”

‘Thunk’

‘Thunk’

“BEHIND YOU!”

‘Thunk’

Dan turned…

‘Thunk’

…and noticed The Order Keepers he had left behind had seemingly decorporealized, their glowing white eyes staring at him with a mix of fear and anger.

‘Thunk’

Dan paused…

‘Thunk’

…Dan paused and …

‘Thunk’

…DAN PAUSED AND…

‘Thunk’

“DAN!” Pinkie shouted as she limped over to Dan, avoiding putting pressure on her injured foreleg.

‘Thunk’

“WHAT IS IT NOW?!”

‘Thunk’

“I think you got him…” Pinkie said as she rested a forehoof on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan looked down to see his hands were now covered in a black ichor of some sort and the head he had been busily smashing was now sitting in a pool of the same substance. The eyes of The Order Keeper twitched uncontrollably, as they stared up into the stars above.

“Oh…” Dan uttered standing up to face his new opponents.

“Dan…I’m scared…” Pinkie stated.

Dan looked over the hesitant eyes that remained focused on him.

“Stay close to me.” He ordered. “I’m not losing you again!”

“Ummm-hmm…” Pinkie murmured softly and nodded as she leaned up against Dan.

“DESTROY HIM!” A voice rang out from the cloud of darkness and eyes.

The ominous looking mass surged forward as Dan stepped in front of Pinkie. Dan narrowed his eyes and looked on determinedly, raising his fists in preparation to rain a torrent of violence upon…

‘Thump’

“Ooof!”

‘Thump’

“Oooh!”

‘Thump’

“Ouch!”

‘Thump’

“Aieee!”

Dan and Pinkie blinked and stared on in surprise as a collection of physical manifested Order Keepers began to fall out of the cloud in a heap a few yards in front of them, as if the cloud had begun to spit them out as they approached Dan and Pinkie.

“What just…what just happened?” Pinkie asked, looking up towards Dan for an answer.

“Don’t know.” He replied as he surged forward, baseball bat in hand.  More of the cloud fell away, manifesting into more tall, gaunt figures that quickly lost their balance as their feet touched the ground. He raised his baseball bat high into the air and brought it down on the nearest head.

‘THULLCK!’

As soon as Dan had brought the bat down on his target, the air around The Order Keeper seemed to briefly pulsate as its body ceased moving.

“WHERE THE HAY DID YOU GET YOUR BASEBALL BAT FROM?!” Pinkie Screeched.

Dan looked down at his bat, the black ichor that coated the end, and the now concave skull of his foe. “I DON’T KNOW, I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW NICE IT WOULD BE TO HAVE AND THERE IT WAS!” He yelled back at Pinkie “WHAT’S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS!?”

“I’M SO CONFUuUuUuUuUSED!” Pinkie cried.

“STOP BELLYACHING AND HELP MY CAVE ALIEN SKULLS IN!” Dan shouted back at Pinkie. “I TOLD YOU TO STAY CLOSE TO ME!”

“Dan! My LEG is…” Pinkie paused and glanced at her pristine, pink shoulder as she rotated her leg around and around. “…uh…completely fine for some reason.”

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” A panicked voice rang out.

“GET AWAY FROM HIM, HE’S…”

‘THULLCK!’

Another voice was silenced, followed by another ripple in the ether.

“Pinkie, if you can help me kill a few of these things, that would be pretty cool.” Dan informed.

“With WHAT?!” Pinkie shrieked out. “I don’t even have a weapon!”

Dan swung his bat into the mass of frantically squirming limbs and bodies that attempted to crawl away from him. His bat connecting with one of The Order Keepers sides with a resounding ‘CRACK!’

“Don’t you have like a dozen ridiculous things just stuck in your hair?!”

Pinkie raised her forehooves under her straight, pink mane and held it up. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ANYTHING OUT OF THIS?!”

“OH FOR THE LOVE OF…” Dan sighed and smacked his palm against his face, dragging the hand down across his face. “I can’t believe what I’m about to do…”

“Do what?!” Pinkie cried out.

Dan walked over to Pinkie, dropped his bat, and leaned down. He swept an arm under her back legs, and placed his other under her back.  He then lifted her up, and leaning his head down towards her face.

“Hey! What are youMMMMPHPGH?! MMMMGHPGH! Mmghph? Mmmmm…” Pinkie uttered as Dan covered her mouth with his and her startled, muffled cries quickly changed to content, gentle hums.

Pinkie felt the tension drain from her body, replaced by a gentle warm feeling as she enjoyed the sensation of being held aloft by her human boyfriend and the feeling of his lips against hers.

‘fffeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE!’

With a high pitched squeal, Pinkie’s hair reflated into its normal, curly, unruly shape.

Dan lowered Pinkie and set her gently onto the ground.

“Bleh, ptuu…” Dan began spitting and wiping the pink fur from his lips.

“Thanks…” Pinkie uttered with a slight blush and a smile as she wobbled a bit, still feeling a bit weak in the knees. “…I needed that.”

“You’re welcome,” Dan replied. “NOW HELP ME KILL THESE THINGS!” Dan yelled as he reached down to pick up his bat.

Pinkie saluted Dan with a forehoof. “Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out her pink crowbar, placing it in her mouth.

The corporeal Order Keepers continued to crawl and panic, the ones who got far enough away transformed back into their bodies of dark mist, but with all of corporeal ones still working out the use of their muscles and limbs, even traveling a few feet was a slow, yet frantic process.

Dan and Pinkie rushed back to the group of squirming Order Keepers, Pinkie rearing back on her hind legs as she approached one, raising her crowbar high into the air and bringing it down on the head of her target, hard.

‘THILLSHKC!’

The skull of the order keeper cracked open with the sickly sounds of bone being separated by metal, black ichor poured from the open wound as the air once again rippled.

“Dww ywo kmmm avv wvv ovf owv hwww?” Pinkie hummed through the crowbar in her teeth.

‘THWAK!’

“WHAT?!” Dan replied as he continued to pummel an Order Keeper’s torso into a mash of black ichor and protruding bones.

‘THWAK!’

Pinkie tilted her head and set down her crowbar, somehow neatly balancing it straight up on the barren ground. “I said, ‘Do you know a way out of here?’”

“Oh.”

‘THWAK!’

“Yeah, there’s a portal behind these cloudy goons.” Dan replied.

‘THWAK!’

“Well, I think it would be a super-awesome idea if we just went home!” Pinkie responded cheerfully.

‘THWAK!’

“But…but…VENGEANCE!” Dan protested.

‘THWAK!’

The ether once again rippled as Dan landed a final blow on the Order Keeper.

“I think they get the message!” Pinkie argued motioning out to the handful of unmoving Order Keepers that littered the ground around them.

Dan sighed. “FINE!” He motioned out into the dark fog with his baseball bat. “This way!”

Pinkie grabbed her crowbar and placed it back into her mane, the pink curls enveloping it completely as she did. She galloped behind Dan as he returned to the spot he had been before he arrived to rescue Pinkie Pie.

The ethereal Order Keepers rapidly shifted and parted before the two, desperate to keep their distance.

Pinkie grinned as she spotted the familiar sight of the couple couch. “Guess we’re home free from he…”

‘SCHOURCHHHHH!’

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” Pinkie screamed as a dark blue blot of energy slammed into her boyfriend, sending him to the ground.

Dan laid on his back motionless, his glazed over eyes staring straight up into the stars as the red glow around him faded and darkness once again began to shroud the area. Smoke drifted up from a smoldering hole in his chest, and half of his face was likewise blackened in burnt.

“Dan!” Pinkie said in a pleading tone. “Wake up!” She began to nuzzle Dan’s torso with her mussel. “PLEASE, don’t leave me!” She cried as tears began to well up in her big, sky-blue eyes.

The light continued to fade and even the stars above where soon dimmed as The Order Keepers  swarmed around Pinkie.

‘PhhhEEEeeshhhuuuuu…’

Pinkie’s hair once again deflated as she threw herself over Dan and wailed, her body shaking with each tortured moan.

“ENOUGH THEATRICS!” A voice boomed out.

Pinkie turned to see another set of eyes, angrily and accusingly focused directly on her. A golden halo floated above them, shining in the foggy darkness.

“STAY AWAY FROM HIM!” Pinkie demanded.

“He’s already dead.” The voice informed.

Pinkie shook her head. “Na…no!” She sobbed out. “He’ll…come back to me! He’ll save me! He always does!”

“I hit him with just enough energy to end him.” The voice replied as the eyes continued to glower out at Pinkie. “A swift death, more than he deserved.” Deadly looking energy began to collect and crackle beneath the eyes. “More than you deserve.”

Pinkie closed her watery eyes, and attempted to prepare herself for what was to follow.

“I’ll be with you soon, Dan…” She murmured.

“Sooner than you think, goofball.”

Pinkie’s eyes shot open as she caught Dan jumping from the ground and swinging up at the haloed set of eyes with his baseball bat.

‘CRACK!’

Another blue-black being hit the ground, the one discernable feature of this Order Keeper being the golden, blue and black jewel student crown on his head. It looked up with an expression of absolute shock and surprise almost as if he were discovering the emotions for the first time.

“DAN!” Pinkie exclaimed as she enthusiastically nuzzled her boyfriend’s ribs.

Dan shot her a quick smirk and looked back at his foe.

Dark blue energy swirled around the grim king, and with laborious effort, he rose himself to his full height, towering over Dan and Pinkie.

Dan merely looked up, his black ichor covered bat held loosely in a hand by his side as the area around him once again glowed crimson as red sparks shot off from Dan’s body. The skin on his face began to lighten  and return to its normal pasty white. The wound on his chest closed, and much like his face, the skin seemed to return to the state it was in before Dan was blasted in the chest.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at the tall, crown adored being that stood tall above Pinkie and him.

“Is that all you got?”

Part 9 Dan Vs. The Order Keepers: Chapter 70: Dan Vs. TOK King

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 9 Dan Vs. The Order KeepersChapter 70: Dan Vs. TOK King -ooooooo-

Doing the music thing if you're interested. Google Docs version here.

-ooooooo-

Change.

Change is the enemy of order, and order is all.

Change disrupts, change leads to chaos.

That is why change must be stomped out as quickly as possible.

The Warper was change. Her abilities brought unpredictability to her world.

Some would argue not much, but if left unchecked, she could have change far, fartoo much.

Then she got away.

Then she brought change to another world.

When we reclaimed her, she brought change here.

Change that would prove catastrophic.

Change that would damage, destroy, and even kill.

Beings that had existed for eons and eons…now silenced forever.

All because change had come into this world.

I had miscalculated twice already because of change.

First, I allowed change to take hold for too long, unabated. We are beings waiting and observing, after all, and we are not always quick to action.

However, change forced action, and action I took.

The energy I released should have been just enough to end change, to kill him…

But he somehow bent enough of the Nexus to his will enough to survive.

And now I’m corporeal again channeling energy simply to keep myself upright.

I am ruler of this place, complete and absolute.

I won’t make the same mistake twice…

“Hey! Talk, dark, and boring!” Dan called as he pointed his baseball bat at the tall, gaunt, crowned figure. “Are we gonna fight, or are you just gonna stand there and hope Pinkie and I die of old age?”

The king of The Order Keepers narrowed his eyes at Dan.

“Dan, don’t tick off the king of the cloudy thingies…” Pinkie whispered.

“What?! He shot me with an energy bolt in the CHEST!” Dan yelled at the now straight-haired pony. “I can’t believe you’re not upset about that!”

“Normally I’d be pretty dang ticked…or a complete, crying-wying mess like I was just a bit ago...Right now? I just want to go home…”

“And we will!” Dan insisted. “But first I need to bludgeon the ugly alien’s skull in.”

Pinkie glanced out, the portal was just a short sprint away.

Well, it’s high up…but I’m an excellent jumper…

…Oh, I hope Dan isn’t toomad about this…

--♫

The grim king positioned his hands in front of his chest and curled his fingers into claws. Azure bolts of energy began to crackle between them.

Dan grinned wickedly and raised his bat. “It’s about time you got serious…”

“This time, you will die!” The crowned figure informed.

“We’ll see aboutWHOA…Pinkie what are you..?”

Pinkie quickly placed her head in between Dan’s legs and lifted the short man onto her back. “Sorry, Dan!” She began bounding at a rapid pace towards the exit. “I’ll make it up to you!

--♫

Dan held fast to Pinkie’s straight mane. “You better, I expect plenty of human smoochees when we get home!”

--♫

The grim king fired a wild shot of energy at Pinkie, missing as she continued to bound up and down towards her destination. “STOP THEM!” he commanded.

--♫

His subject’s obeyed, drifting close enough to Dan and Pinkie to rematerialize. Though, this time with an aura of dark blue light that seemed to help them keep their balance.

--♫

Dan swung wildly at the tall figures, swatting away limbs as they frantically dove at the pink pony and heated human.

The grim king raised a palm, and as he did, the portal to Dan’s and Pinkie’s world began to float up.

Pinkie leaped.

“Oh, COME ON!” The Pink mare exclaimed as her target floating up and away.

She hit the ground on all fours.

Dan swung a leg over the side of Pinkie and stepped onto the ground.

“Dan, what…”

“We tried it your way…Now we try it my way…” Dan said as he grinned evilly once more and brandished his bat. He charged into the shambling horde of order keepers.

--♫

Dan closed into swinging distance and swung his bat up…

--♫

‘CRACK!’

…and connected with the chin of an Order Keeper, causing its head to snap back and the air to pulsate again.

--♫

Dan began to deliver blow after blow into his foes, smiling madly the entire time as Order Keepers fell around him.

--♫

Being able to stand seemed to offer little help to The Order Keepers, who still easily lost their balance and seemed to have little in the way to attack or defend themselves with.

--♫

‘CRACK!’

Another of The Order Keeper’s fell, and the ether rippled once again.

--♫

“MuaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Dan cackled madly as his foes fell under his bat, each swing brining another to the ground, or to its death.

The grim king grimaced angrily at the scene in front of him.

I can’t destroy him like this…but perhaps…

He turned from Dan’s melee of violence and began walking away.

--♫

“Dan! STOP! We just need to get out of here!” Pinkie pleaded.

--♫

“Grrrrrrr!” Pinkie growled out in frustration. “I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE STUCK HERE!” She shouted.

--♫

“THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD HELP ME OUT!” Dan cried back.

--♫

“WITH WHAT?!” Pinkie screamed back, raising her straight mane again. “MY MANES ALL SAD AGAIN!”

--♫

Dan sighed and rushed back to Pinkie. “You are the neediest pony girlfriend ever!”

--♫

“I’M SORRY I’M NOT USED TO BEING KIDNAPPED!”

--♫

Dan quickly leaned down, threw his arms around Pinkie’s neck and planted another kiss on her furry lips.

--♫

‘fffeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE!’

Pinkie’s hair immediately reflated to its normal, curly mass and the mare grinned wild and madly.

--♫

Dan wiped the fur from his mouth. “Now help me kill these things!”

Pinkie pulled her pink crowbar from her mane. “Okie-dokie-lokie!”

--♫

Dan charged once more as Pinkie bounded next to him, her crowbar gripped tightly in her mouth as she wore a happy expression.

--♫

Dan once again began randomly budging targets that fell under his might.

--♫

Pinkie leapt high into the air and brought her weight and crowbar down on the head of an Order Keeper with a loud ‘THRAWK!’ The air pulsated again in response.

--♫

The two continued to swat at limbs, bludgeon torsos, and strike at heads as their foes swarmed around them.

--♫

The two backed into each other as their available room began to shrink.

--♫

Pinkie giggled and quickly pulled her crowbar out of her mouth. “Heheh…You and me against the universe, huh?”

--♫

Dan took a hard swing into an Order Keeper. “Unf…Wouldn’t have it any other way!” He said with a mad grin.

“Well, you may want to duck and cover…” Pinkie began.

--♫

“…’Cause I brought some friends.”

--♫

Dan knew better than to question Pinkie, and did as she suggested.

--♫

Pinkie began to vigorously shake her mane, as she did, dozens of angry, hissing, and rattling snakes flew out in all directions. The snakes sank fangs into startled and fearful figures who attempted to back away under the slithering assault in a panic.

Dan stared wide eyed at the den of snakes Pinkie had unleashed. “I THOUGHT YOU MADE UP THAT THING WITH THE SNAKES!” Dan shouted, raising his palms up in confusion.

“I THOUGHT I DID TO, BUT THEN YOU HAD TO GET THAT MONGOOSE!” Pinkie shouted back, raising her hooves up in confusion.

“I MADE THAT UP!” Dan explained.

“WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME?!” Pinkie demanded.

“I WAS TRYING TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS…” Dan paused and quickly added, “…ROMANTICALLY!”

“Oh…” Pinkie replied tapping a forehoof to her chin. “Good job!” She exclaimed happily.

--♫

“THIS ENDS NOW!” A booming voice called from high above the couple.

The two stared up into the angry, glowing eyes of The Order Keeper King, once again floating in the air with a halo above his eyes.

Suddenly, the ground around Pinkie and Dan jutted towards them in large, diagonal, stone beams that trapped them into place.

--♫

 “Dan! I’m stuck!” Pinkie cried, the rocks forcing her onto her hind legs, back against Dan’s.

“Yeah, join the club.” Dan said snidely as he struggled against the rocks pressed against his body.

“I thought I just did!” Pinkie replied in a confused tone as she wiggled in place.

--♫

The Order Keepers put some distance between Pinkie and Dan as the air crackled violently up and in between the grim king and the couple.

Pinkie gulped. “Well that doesn’t look good…”

Dan leaned his head back, watching the fog of the Nexus begin to collect into a sinister looking black cloud that crackled with violent energy.

“I’m on it…” Dan said.

“Huh?”

--♫

Dan closed his eyes and concentrated.

We need a shield…

Something heavy…something solid…

In his mind’s eye, his focus began to cruise through the blue-black fog of the Nexus, exciting out of the void into his world. He envisioned Earth, North America, California, Van Nuys, his bank…

“Got it!”

--♫

‘PCHSSSSHHHHFFFOOOOOOO!’

The air erupted in a violent blast of energy that closed in on Dan and Pinkie…

‘CLANGngngngngng…’

--Don't turn away, don't turn

…which slammed into a large bank vault door.

The vault flew into the air from the blast, vibrating with the hit.

--♫

‘KEWTHUDngngngng…’

The vault hit the ground, landing on a number of the still corporeal Order Keepers below

--♫

“No…” The grim king uttered. “It can’t be…”

--♫

Pinkie shimmied her body out of her rocky prison…

--♫

…giving Dan enough room to do the same.

--♫

Pinkie stared up at the halo and confused eyes above them. “What now?” She asked, turning to Dan.

--♫

Her eyes went wide as she noticed the two metal that were suddenly strapped to Dan’s back. Hoses jutted out and downward from the canisters and Dan held two control sticks in his hand.

Dan grinned as wide as his mouth would possibly allow. “Grab hold.”

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Ummm-hmmm!” She hummed as she wrapped her legs around Dan.

--♫

Dan and Pinkie suddenly ascended into the air, the jetpack shooting streams of compressed gas below them.

--♫

The grim king’s eyes went wide, and he attempted to put some distance in between him and the rapidly approaching couple.

--♫

He felt the nebulousness of his being coalesce into a dreaded corporeal body, and the pull of gravity pull him towards the ground.

--♫

Pinkie grinned madly as the two zoomed up towards The Order Keeper King. She leapt off from Dan.

“SHORYUKEN!” She shouted as she through her hoof into the air, placing a perfect hit on The Order Keepers chin that snapped his head back.

The Order Keeper’s king fell limp in the sky, his crown falling from his head as both tumbled towards the ground.

“PINKIE!” Dan shouted. He quickly positioned himself down and hit his jets, his jetpack propelling him downwards towards Pinkie.

“DAN!” Pinkie cried as she reached out a forehoof.

Dan grabbed it and quickly pulled Pinkie close to him. He looked down and spotted the portal, leading directly to the couple’s couch below.

“HOLD ON, GOOFBALL!”

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE!”

Dan shifted the two upright again and quickly hit his jets, desperate to slow their descent before…

‘CRASHUD!’

“ARRRGH!”

“EEEEEAK!”

Dan quickly pulled himself from the mess of wood and cushion that was now the couple’s ex-couch, and stared up into the portal that hovered several feet above him. He face contorted back into rage as he spied the unmistakable dim, blue stars of the Nexus above.

“RRRAAGH!” Dan roared angrily and gripped onto the side of the portal. He pulled with all his might and the glowing, red circle around the gateway begin to tear as if Dan was shredding a circular piece of paper made out of glowing energy.

“AAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!”

Dan continued to rip and tear at the doorway between dimensions, it fell in pieces that seemed to fade from existence as they hit the apartment floor.

“Huff…puff…” Bleary eyed and red faced, Dan tried to catch his breath. He unstrapped his jetpack and allowed it to fall unceremoniously to the floor. He walked over to his easy chair and collapsed into it.

Hmmm…I feel like I’m forgetting something…

Dan’s eyes went wide with realization.

“PINKIE!?” He cried out in alarm.

A pink blur threw cushions and pieces of wood away as it shot out of the ruined couch and slammed into Dan, joining him on the easy chair.

“Mwah! MWHA! MWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ohmygosh, OHMYGOSH! DAN, that was the most fantastically-stupendously-crazy-insanely-AWESOMEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN EVER, EVER, EVER!” Pinkie declared shrilly.

“…Pinkie?”

“First you were like…WACK! WHACK! WHACK, WHACK, WHACK! And I was like POW! And then…SNAKES EVERYWHERE!

“Pinkie!”

“But then the ground attacked us and I was like OH NO! And you were like BAM, GIANT METAL DOOR OUT OF NOWHERE!”

“PINKIE!”

“And then you were all like PCHOOOO! Whisking us up into the air, and then I was all like… SHORYUKEN! But then I was falling, and…

“PIIIIIINKIEEEE PIEEEEEEE!”

“WHAT?!”

Dan slowly wiped the Pink fur from his lips. “This might be a problem…”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as she gulped and slowly raised pink forehooves into view.

Pinkie’s eye twitched. “Son of a BIT-”

Part 9 Dan Vs. The Order Keepers: Epilogue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 9 Dan Vs. The Order KeepersEpilogue -ooooooo-

“SHORYUKEN!”

‘Crack!’

The grim king felt the sharp pain at his chin, quickly followed by a sharp pain at his neck, then…

…nothing…

Well, not quite. He could still perceive he was falling, that he had lost his crown, and some other things even his now dimmed senses, usually enhanced by the crown, could still feel.

He closed his eyes and focused.

She broke my neck…

Without the crown it will take time to fix…

…I have notime.

The Order Keeper king resigned himself to his fate, the one thing he had always had in abundance having been robbed from him.

‘Pfffuuuu…’

Instead of a thud, there was the sound like smoke quickly wafting out, as if suddenly released into the air.

Instead of death there was clarity.

The grim king’s senses began to return to him, as did the halo above his white, glowing eyes.

He heard the lamentations of his people.

“What have they done?!”

“They have brought death!”

“He is the Ruinator! He will end us all!”

“How can this happen?!”

“What will become of us?!”

“SILENCE!” TOK’s king commanded.

His ethereal subjects obeyed.

His eyes focused up, just in time to witness the portal to the human’s world be torn asunder.

More energy lost…The human’s will is strong. Strong enough to disallow himself to be separated from The Warper. Strong enough to bend The Nexus to his will and use its energies to reach out into the cosmos… Had he simply remained in The Nexus long enough for the fall to kill me, he would likely be the new ruler…

I suppose I am lucky…

The grim king’s eyes narrowed. ‘Luck’ was not a thing he or his people tended to give much stock in, and the very idea of entertaining it as a factor was unnerving to say the least.

He began to concentrate, focusing on the differences that had befallen his realm.

The door…It is from the human’s world…

The bank vault suddenly vanished from The Nexus, revealing the crushed corpses of the Order Keepers below. Those near it looked upon the mess fearfully and began to quickly drift away from the grizzly scene.

Their weapons…

…As much as I am loath to do it, they must be returned…

Dan’s bat and Pinkie’s crowbar also vanished from The Nexus.

The animals…

The grim king’s eyes shot open wide as his focus drifted over the snakes.

…did not exist anywhere until a few minutes ago…DAMN THE WARPER!

TOK’s king decided to move on. Focusing on the diagonal stone trap he had created, and returning it to its previous form.

…Matter manipulation…such a waste of energy…

His eyes drifted over the still corporeal corpses of his fallen subjects.

So…

The human and The Warper have brought permanent change to this land…

There is nothing I can do here…

Finally he stretched his consciousness out, seeing if there was anything else he missed…

?

No…

The human…

He…he tore through the fabric of reality itself to shorten the distance between him and The Warper…

All that energy…released into the great cosmos…

HE WILL PAY!

He stretched his consciousness out of The Nexus. Out through the great channels of energy. Out towards the human’s world.

They should be there…but…what is this..?

I cannot sense the human…or The Warper…

They are not…anywhere?!

No…

That is not possible…

Could it be..?

Could the human still have enough power and will even outside The Nexus to simply deny that he and The Warper be taken back by force?!

Finally, the grim king spoke.

“CEASE THE GREAT COUNTDOWN!”

His subjects gasped and murmured, fixating scared and startled looking eyes upon him.

 “The scar of change has been inflicted on The Nexus. The scourge of chaos was brought to this land, and we were not prepared. But not next time…and there will be a next time!”

The murmurs of distress increased as the grim king suddenly materialized into his corporeal form.

“ENOUGH!”

His subjects went quiet.

“You will all relearn what it is to be corporeal…What it is to be mortal. Some of you will have to face the human again, and he cannot be allowed to leave The Nexus alive next time.”

One by one, The Order Keepers forms began to form out of the thick ether. Hundreds of tall, gaunt, genderless, blue-black figures stepping their newly formed feet onto the ground and desperately attempting to maintain balance.

“Until then we will plan, and we will calculate. We must find a way to lure the human and The Warper back to the Nexus and how to destroy them when they are here. That is now our sole task.”

His commands issued, the grim king merely closed his eyes and began planning his and his people’s next move.

The Warper’s planet…

…Such a troublesome world…

If she is still in communication with beings there, then she must still have an attachment to the world…

...An attachment that can be used.

Yes…we shall release the impression on the world once more, and we shall remind her just how helpless she is to assist those she cares most about.

It is just a matter of calculation and planning…

All things in time.

Tik.

TOK.

End Part 9

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 71: Pinkie Vs. Breakdown

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 71: Pinkie Vs. Breakdown

-ooooooo-

-CH!”

Dan winced. Pinkie almost never cussed, aside from in her own pony vernacular. Dan gritted his teeth and dug his hands into his easy chairs rests, preparing for the mother of all freak outs which was likely to occur right on his lap.

“DAN! I’M STILL A PONY! WHAT DO?!” Pinkie shrieked.

“Uh…that sentence needed a subject…” Dan replied.

“THIS IS NO TIME TO PLAY GRAMMAR POLICE!” Pinkie screamed she pressed face against Dan and stared at him with wide, panicked looking eyes. “I’M A DIFFERENT SPECIES THAN MY BOYFRIEND!”

“Pinkie…”

“NO! NOT THIS TIME!” Pinkie cried, scooting back on Dan’s lap and leaning back as she leveled a forehoof at him. “This is grade ‘A’, sweeps week, prime Pinkie Pie freaking out time!”

Dan sighed. “Alright, fine…”

Pinkie nodded. “…That’s better…”

“…”

“DAN! I’M STILL A PONY?! WHAT DO?!” Pinkie shrieked.

“You said that already,” Dan said.

Pinkie mushed her forehooves against her cheeks. “IT BEARS REPEATING!” Pinkie screamed.

Dan’s eyes widened as Pinkie latched onto his shirt with his forehooves. “CAN YOU LOVE A PONY?!”

“Uh…I already said, ‘yes’…” Dan said with a pensive grin.

Pinkie began to violently shake Dan. “BUT YOU MAY HAVE JUST SAID THAT TO KEEP ME CALM WHILE WE WERE IN ANOTHER DIMENSION! NOW WE’RE HOME AND WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH BEING DIFFERENT SPECIES!”

“Stop…shak…ing…me…you…id..iot..ic…goof…ball…” Dan stammered out while Pinkie continued to aggressively shake him by his shirt.

Pinkie gasped and stopped shaking Dan. “You called me goofball!” She said with a grin.

“So I…so I did…” Dan uttered dizzily.

Pinkie’s smile suddenly dropped. “Dan, don’t divorce me, please!” she pleaded.

Dan placed his hands on either side of his head in an attempt to steady his vision. “We’re not married.” he reminded.

Pinkie glanced up to the ceiling and tapped a forehoof against her chin. “Oooh, yeah…”

“…”

“Dan, don’t break up with me, please!” Pinkie pleaded, placing her forehooves together under her chin.

“Why the heck would I do that?!” Dan replied.

Pinkie leapt off of Dan’s lap and proceeded to continue her freak out, throwing panicky arms and forehooves out in all directions.

“’Cause if you broke up with me, I’d be devastated! And if I became devastated, I’d have to binge on ice cream, except no one is going to sell me ice cream BECAUSE I’M A FLIPPIN’ PONY!”

“…Did you hear what I just said?”

“And since I’m a flippin’ pony, I can’t go to work! And if can’t work I might get deported…”

“Mew?”

Dan watched as Mr. Mumbles trotted out of the bedroom and towards the easy chair.

“…but I can’t be deported back to Equestria, because no one but you even thinks it’s real! So I’ll be deported to France…” Pinkie began to inhale as much oxygen as ponyly possible. “Hwuuuuuuuuuu…”

Mr. Mumbled jumped onto Dan’s lap. “Merow?”

“…uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Dimensional mishap,” he said to his cat. “Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll wear herself out soon…”

“…uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.” Pinkie let out a large exhale. “…WHERE THEY EAT HORSES!” she screamed.

*an hour later*

“…AND I’LL NEVER LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE SAXOPHONE!”

“Aaaany minute now…” Dan uttered, as much to himself as Mr. Mumbles. “Aaaany minute…”

*another hour later*

“NONE OF MY CLOTHES FIT ME ANY MORE!” Pinkie declared as she wore her now very loose fitting vest and shirt combination with a pair of jeans, he sleeves and pants sleeves laying limp and flat on the ground with her pony legs being far shorter than her human limbs were. Tears began to shoot out of Pinkie’s eyes like a fountain and she buried her face in the arms of her shirt. “WHUAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAhaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Dan grumbled to himself as he continued to stroke Mr. Mumbles.

*a couple hours later*

“…BUT I WON’T LOOK LIKE THE OTHER HORSES AND THEY’LL THINK I’M DEFECTIVE, SO THEY’LL SEND ME TO THE GLUuUuUuUuUE FACTORY! I DON’T WANT TO BE GLUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUE! WHUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Pinkie suddenly stopped.

“Not that the last four hours haven’t been…” Dan rolled his eyes “…like…a bonkers amount of fun, but are you finally done?”

“I think I’m hyperventilating!” Pinkie cried.

Dan stared at his pony turned human turned back to pony girlfriend blankly for a second then buried his face in both hands.

“No wait…I’m DEFINITELY hyperventilating!” Pinkie declared as she began to rapidly and loudly breathe air in and out. “HUFFPUFFHUFFPUFFHUFFPUFFHUFFPUFF…I NEED A PAPER BAG!”

“They’re under the sink…” Dan reminded from behind his hands.

Pinkie quickly flashed Dan a wide, mad smile. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, her hair was a frazzled mess. “Thanks, Dan!” She zoomed over to the sink, threw open the doors to the cabinet below, placed a bag over her head, and began her rapid breathing once more. “HUFFPUFFHUFFPUFFHUFFPUFFHUFFPUFF…”

‘POP!’

Dan opened his fingers slightly to peer at Pinkie.

Pinkie’s eyes darted over the popped pieces of paper bag around her.

“I’M A BAG MURDERER!” She cried. “THEY’LL GIVE ME THE CHAIR FOR SUuUuUuURE!” She grabbed another paper bag from under the sink and placed it over her head, continuing her frantic hyperventilating.

“Merow?”

Dan looked down at his cat and sighed. “Yeah, we really should have recycled those at some point…”

‘POP!’

“OH MY CELESTIA, DOUBLE HOMICIDE!”

Dan watched as Pinkie popped 22 more bags over her head in a similar fashion.

‘POP!’

“Oh…huff…my…puff..Celestia…da…double…huff…deca…puff…quadruple…homicide…” Pinkie’s eyes rolled back into her head as her head lolled around on her neck. She collapsed to the floor, legs sprawled on all directions.

Mr. Mumbles jumped of Dan’s lap as the two made their way over to Pinkie.

“Prrrrrrr…” Mr. Mumbled bounded up to Pinkie, licking tears from her face.

Pinkie giggled softly “Hehe…good kitty…”

Dan stood above Pinkie with his legs apart, hands on his hips, and gazed down at the pink pony with a look of irritation on his face.

Pinkie looked up at Dan with big, sky-blue, watery eyes and a quivering lip. “Please don’t break up with me.” She pleaded.

“I already said I wouldn’t over four hours ago!” Dan said as he narrowed his eyes at Pinkie.

“Ooooh… Sorrrrrr-yeeeee…” Pinkie offered through a nervous smile and clenched teeth. She glanced around the now thoroughly trashed apartment.  The fridge hung open with all kinds of food and beverages strewn about the kitchen area floor, her clothes were strewn all over the apartment, and a couple of the windows were now broken. “Uhhh…guess I over did it…”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You screamed at a soda can for 20 minutes straight because you couldn’t work the pull tab.”

Pinkie winced. “I should apologize to that soda can…” she mused.

“Yeah, you threw that out a window and hospitalized a pedestrian.”

Pinkie pursed her lips into a tight frown. “Oh…”

“Finished?”

“Yeah…I don’t have the energy to freak out anymore…”

Dan nodded. “Good.” He leaned down towards Pinkie.

“Hey, what are you…Whoa…”

Pinkie’s expression turned surprised as Dan scooped her up in his arms, made his way back to his easy chair, and sat down, resting the sprawled out Pinkie on his lap.

Dan began to run his hand over Pinkie’s frazzle mane and down her back.

Pinkie felt the tension drain from her body as she finally closed her eyes and relaxed. Enjoying the feeling of Dan’s hand lighting running through her mane and gently caressing her back.

“Sorry,” Dan offered, “I’ve never had a pony as a pet…or girlfriend before.”

“You’re doing fine…” Pinkie cooed softly.

“Look,” Dan began, “I wanted to tell you this…like…a couple hours ago…but you were busy attempting to hang the can-opener for high treason…”

Pinkie winced. “We need a lot of new kitchen tools now, don’t we?”

“Actually, they’re probably all just outside in a pile where you made them walk the plank.” Dan explained.

“We have a plank?” Pinkie asked as she looked up and cocked an eye at Dan. “…Our kitchen tools can walk?”

“Well…no and no,” Dan answered. “You sort of just leaned a piece of wood out of the bedroom window and started pushing everything down it while talking like a pirate.”

“Wow…I uh…really lost it there for a bit, didn’t I?”

Dan nodded. “Now shut up, I’m trying to tell you something important.”

“Right!” Pinkie moved a forehoof over her mouth in a zipper motion.

“Uh…I umm…I just wanted to say…erm…well…I still have you here with me…” Dan rubbed the back of his head. “…and…that’s all that matters…’cause I love you…and uh…it really doesn’t matter what you look like...and stuff…”

Wow…maybe I should have practiced that one…

Pinkie whimpered as her eyes began to fill with tears.

Dan stared down at her. “Well?” he asked expectedly.

Pinkie pursed her lips into a pout and pointed at her mouth with a forehoof.

“Oh, right…you can talk now.”

Pinkie moved a hoof over her mouth as if unzipping it. “BEST BOYFRIEND, EVER!” She screeched, raising herself onto her haunches and throwing her arms around Dan’s torso, constricting him in a tight embrace.

“GHRK!” Dan uttered as he felt his spine crack slightly.

“Oh Dan,” Pinkie cried as she began to nuzzle her head against her boyfriend’s chest, “I love you so much!”

“Yeah…” Dan choked out. “Could…could you loosen your grip just a tad?” Dan asked. “I need my…spine for all my basic motor functions,” he explained.

“Ooops…” Pinkie retracted he arms and sat back on Dan’s lap. “…Sorry,” she said meekly.

Dan shook his head and gave Pinkie a small smile. “Don’t worry about it.” He suddenly grinned. “Hey, Pinkie?”

“Yes, Dan?”

“Dan you think you can love a human?”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as a grin fought its way onto her face and happiness into her cadence. They slowly conquered every bit of her features until she was smiling and laughing uproariously.

“…HAHAHAHAHAHA…” Pinkie laughed loudly and hard, even to the point where tears formed in her eyes.

Dan just smiled.

Pinkie began to regain her composure. “Hahahahehehe…” She nuzzled her head against Dan’s chest and chin. “You always know the right thing to say…”

“Huh…I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me, before…” Dan mused.

Pinkie laid back down on her stomach as Dan began stroking her again, “I wonder how the bakery will get on without me tomorrow…” she mumbled.

Dan looked down at Pinkie in surprise. “Wow, you really don’t remember anything about the last several hours, do you?”

Pinkie’s looked up with a panicked expression. “Uh-oh, what I do?”

<-oooooo->

Pinkie once again sat on Dan’s lap, squishing Mr. Mumbles in between the two as she put her forehooves on Dan’s shoulders and continued to scream frantically. “OHMYGOSH, DAN! I WON’T BE ABLE TO GO INTO WORK TOMORROW!”

“Wow…uh…that’s like a new level of not really important at all you just discovered…” Dan replied pensively.

“Mrrrrrrrr…” Mr. Mumbles mewed out from in between the couple.

“YOU HAVE TO TAKE OVER FOR ME!” Pinkie screamed.

“Me!? I’m sure Chris…”

“DAN! PINKIE PROMISE ME RIGHT NOW YOU’LL MAKE SURE EVERYTHING GOES OKAY AT THE BAKERY TOMORROW!”

“Uh…really? You think that’s…”

“PROMISE! PINKIE PROMISE RIGHT NOW!” Pinkie shouted as she pressed her face against Dan’s.

“MrRrRrRrRrRrR…” Mr. Mumbled mewed angrily as Pinkie squashed her further into Dan’s stomach.

Dan gulped. “Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief and jumped back onto the floor.

Suddenly, her eyes went wide one again. “I CAN’T WEAR RINGS ANYMORE!”

Dan smacked his hand against his face. “You didn’t wear rings in the first place!”

“Meow…” a more ruffled than usual Mr. Mumbles replied as she went back to laying on Dan’s lap.

“AND NOW I NEVER WILL!” Pinkie declared in a panicked tone.

-oooooo-<

Pinkie smacked a forehoof against her face.

“Well, I don’t have to go…” Dan offered.

Pinkie sighed. “A Pinkie promise is a Pinkie promise, even if made under duress…”

“That seems unfair,” Dan pointed out.

“Well, I didn’t make the rules…” Pinkie said.

“Uh…I think you did…”

Pinkie paused. “Well…okay, but I’m not going to just change them even if I really want to…”

“If you’re sure…” Dan replied.

Pinkie sighed. “I’m sure…” Her face lit up and she looked at Dan. “Hey! I bet I can just ask Twilight if she knows a way to change me back, while you’re out! She knows everything about magic!”

Dan paused. “And this thought didn’t occur to you several hours ago, because..?”

Pinkie’s face flushed red and she giggled to herself nervously.

Dan shook his head. “Well, whatever…” He gently patted Pinkie’s head and began to sit up.

Pinkie jumped off Dan’s lap unto the floor.

“If I need to show up to bakery before it’s even light out, I better get to bed.” Dan mused as he bent down to take off his shoes. “Traveling to another dimension is hard work…and so is killing the inhabitants of that dimension,” he added shedding his jeans and t-shirt.

Pinkie just stared at Dan with a pensive look. “Bed…right…”

As Dan made his way to the couple’s bed. As he lifted the covers he turned back at the pink pony and shot her look of equal parts confusion and irritation. “Are you coming, or not, goofball?”

Pinkie’s face exploded with happiness. In a pink blur, the lights were out in the apartment as Pinkie turned them off and dove under the covers with her boyfriend.

Pinkie curled up next to Dan and nuzzled her head against his chin as Dan draped an arm across her body.

“Goodnight, Dan. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Dan?”

“Yeah, goofball.”

“Thanks for saving me…and being the best boyfriend ever.”

Dan pulled Pinkie in closer to him. “You’re welcome…uh…thanks for deciding you could love a different species.”

Pinkie erupted in laughter. “HeheheHAHAHAHAHAHA..! You’re too awesome not to love.”

Dan smiled and rubbed his face against Pinkie’s thick, luscious curls. “Yeah, you too.”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 72: Pinkie Vs. Hooves

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 72: Pinkie Vs. Hooves-ooooooo-

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! DAN! DANDANDANDANDANDANDAN…” Pinkie repeated as she continually nuzzled her boyfriend in an attempt to get him up.

“…Beat’s me officer…” Dan mumbled out, still lying down in bed, “…the waterpark was on fire when I got here…”

“Wake up, sleepy-weepy!” Pinkie said as she clamped onto the blankets with her teeth and pulled the covers off.

Dan wrapped his bare arms around his bare chest and shivered slightly. He slowly opened his eyes, focusing on his recently returned to pony form girlfriend. He scowled, the nicest expression he could manage at being woken up in the early, early morning. “…What…what time is it?”

“Don’t worry!” Pinkie said. “You still have plenty of time to get ready and enjoy the yummy breakfast I’m making for you!” Pinkie said, cheerful as ever.

Dan cocked an eyebrow, “Are you standing in for the alarm clock? That was risky…” Dan mused.

Pinkie giggled, “Hehehe…well I’m harder to throw out the window.”

“Ugh…” Dan shimmied his body over to the side of his bed and let his feet dangle over, “why do bakeries need to open so dang early? Why can’t they open at a sensible time in the morning…like noon…”

Pinkie smiled wide, “Well, dough needs time to get up in the morning, too.”

Dan furrowed his brow and pursed his lips into a tight frown. He leaned his face in close to Pinkie’s, “Just ‘cause you’re harder to throw out a window doesn’t mean I won’t try.”

Pinkie giggled to herself, “Hehehe…alright, no bad puns until after breakfast.”

Dan grumbled, “‘Bad’ was redundant in that sentence.”

Pinkie merely smiled cheerfully as Dan scooted off the bed, walked to his dresser and pulled out a change of clothes and stepped out of the bedroom.

Dan paused as he took a quick glance at the living room.

Huh…Pinkie must have cleaned up while I was asleep, this place was a disaster even by our lofty standards when we went to bed…she even piled up the broken couch.

Dan looked down at Pinkie and raised an eyebrow. “You get enough sleep, goofball?”

Pinkie waved a dismissive forehoof about, “Of course! It’d didn’t take that long to clean everything up…”

<-ooooo->

Pinkie gently placed a pair of fuzzy, pink earmuffs over Dan’s ears.

“Zzzzzzzz…”

Pinkie fondly regarded her snoozing boyfriend for a second with a small smile as small beams of streetlight shined over the couple through their bedroom blinds.  Pinkie leaned in to give Dan a quick peck on the cheek before jumping off the bed.

“Mew?” Mr. Mumbles meowed inquisitively, poking her head up from behind Dan’s slumbering body.

Pinkie quickly put a forehoof up to her mouth, “Shhhhhh… I’m just going to quickly clean up. Dan deserves to wake up to a nice, clean apartment after being the best boyfriend ever.” She said quietly.

“Merow?”

“Well, of course you can keep me company!” Pinkie said happily.

Mr. Mumbled jumped off the bed and trotted up to the pink pony, rolling on her stomach and exposing her belly. “Prrrrrrr…”

“Awwww…whosa pretty kitty?” Pinkie smiled, a smile that was quickly chloroformed, kidnapped, and held for ransom as she raised a forehoof.

“I…whimper…I CAN’T GIVE BELLY SCRATCHES! WHOUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Tears began to stream out of Pinkie’s eyes as if someone had just turned on a water hose behind both optical organs.

Dan stirred in the bed and began to mumble, “…No, jerk-face…I was saving that month old pizza for zzz…science…zzzz…”

Pinkie clamped her hooves over her mouth, glanced at Dan, then back at Mr. Mumbles. “Maybe we should take this into the living room…” she suggested.

“Meroow.”

Pinkie and Mr. Mumbles quietly made their way out of the room. Pinkie turned to the door, raised her a forehoof up to the knob and…

“Eeeh…hee…sniff…whuaa…”

…began to tear up.

“Mew?”

Mr. Mumbled placed a paw against the door, closing it slightly.

Pinkie sighed, “You’re right Mr. Mumbles.” She gently pushed a forehoof against the door and closed it. “It’s just...” Pinkie began, “…just that I spent all this time dreaming of becoming a pony again, and now I am, but I’m still here where everything is made for people with hands and it’s getting me kinda down…also Dan can fire cotton candy out of his eyes in my dreams…” Pinkie knitted her brow and pursed her lips. “I should probably cut down on the sugar right before bed…” she mused.

“Meow.”

Pinkie stared out into the living room/kitchen area of the small apartment and sighed and dropped her ears. The kitchen was still a mess with a mixture of various liquids sitting in a dingy pool in front of the fridge. Pinkie noticed a plastic milk carton that looked like someone had exploded by standing on it, a crushed cardboard carton of chocolate milk, and multiple single serving yogurt containers that had likewise been squashed.

Huh…what was it that set me off here…Must have been something pretty major if I went so far as to actually waste food…Wait…this is all dairy….

Maybe Dan…

Pinkie knitted her brow and glanced towards the ceiling briefly…

<-ooooo->

“YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE I CAN’T OPEN YOU RIGHT NOW MEANS THAT YOU’RE SAFE?!” Pinkie screamed at a yogurt container in her hand. “I MAY NOT HAVE OPPOSABLE DIGITS ANY MORE, BUT I’M STILL BIGGER THAN YOU!” She yelled shrilly.

Pinkie dropped the yogurt container on the floor and crushed it under her hoof, the pink contents of the container oozed out in all directions.

She looked back up into the open fridge and glared at the items inside.

“WHAT ARE YOU ALL LAUGHING AT?!” Pinkie screeched at the items in the fridge. “I CAN DO THE SAME TO ALL OF YOU! I WILL DO THE SAME TO ALL OF YOU!” She shrieked.

That day, the contents of Dan’s and Pinkie’s fridge remembered…the dread that was a life under their rule, the humiliation of being boxed up like perishable items in a fridge…which is exactly what they all were.

“Merow?” Mr. Mumbles mewed, looking up from Dan’s lap at the man.

Dan merely watched as Pinkie began grabbing items from the fridge and violently threw them on the floor.

Dan shrugged. “It’s her food, maybe I’ll intervene if she goes for the lactose free carton.”

-ooooo-<

Pinkie sighed as she buried her face in a forehoof.

The couch was a wreck.  It had given its all breaking Dan and Pinkie's fall.   Her clothes were strewn about everywhere, courtesy of her multi-hour long freak-out session.  The whole place was simply a mess with various CDs, video games and other random items scattered about.

Pinkie trotted up to mass of blue couch pieces and rested a forehoof on them as her lips quivered a bit.

“Poor Couchy…we’ll have a proper furniture funeral for you, okay?” Pinkie patted the debris lovingly. “You were just like…like a couch to us!”

Pinkie homed in on video game controller on the floor and trotted up to it.

Are those…teeth marks?! It looks all…slobbery…

Pinkie thought back…

<-ooooo->

“I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!” Pinkie screeched as she pounded furiously on the game controller that sat on the floor.

“Pinkie, stop being stupid…er. You’re not going to be able to pull off a combo without fingers,” Dan said in an irritated tone.

Pinkie put the controller in her mouth and begun to chew on it. “NWOO IWW VWAN DWWO THIFF!”

“Is this how the story ends?”

“Told you…” Dan muttered from his spot on the easy chair.

Pinkie’s eye twitched as she spat the controller out of her mouth.

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAH!”

-ooooo-<

Pinkie closed her eyes and scrunched her face up as she smacked her forehead with a forehoof repeatedly.

“Guess that’s my controller from now on…”

“Meow.” Mr. Mumbles replied in a tone of affirmation.

Pinkie put her hoof back down and exhaled, “Oh well, better get started. This mess isn’t going to clean itself up…”

Pinkie trotted into the dark bathroom, stood on her hind legs and flipped on the light switch.

“Oh my Celestia…” Pinkie uttered as she buried her face in her forehooves.

The walls where covered in glittery scrawls of a number of different colors. What was uniform about them was the phrase that was repeated over and over again:

‘All hooves and no hands makes Pinkie a sad pony’

‘All hooves and no hands makes Pinkie a sad pony’

‘All hooves and no hands makes Pinkie a sad pony’

‘All hooves and no hands makes Pinkie a sad pony’

‘All hooves and no hands makes Pinkie a sad pony’

“Guess, I’ll start with this room…” Pinkie sighed out.

-ooooo-

Pinkie grumbled irritably to herself as she attempted to walk up the stairs with arms full of various kitchen tools.

“Uhg…I can’t believe I pushed all these out…sigh…and I can’t even use them right now…”

The pile jumped and shifted slightly with each step. A small grater with a handle slipped off.

Pinkie’s ears flopped down around her head and her eyes narrowed in frustration as the grater clattered on the ground, then bounced down the stairs.

She shot the offending kitchen tool a death glare. “THIS IS WHY YOU WERE ALMOST BURNT AT THE STAKE, GRATEY!”

“KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE! WE’RE TRYING TO SLEEP!” A masculine voiced called from the apartment next to Dan’s and Pinkie’s.

“I CAN BE AS LOUD AS I WANT!” Pinkie shouted back. “I’VE HAD A VERY BAD DAY!”

An angry looking man opened the window, poked his head out, and stared at Pinkie Pie. “Gasp! A talking pink pony!”

“GO AHEAD AND TELL THE WORLD!” Pinkie screeched. “NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU!”

“Uh wow…you got my number there…”

-ooooo-

“Hold on, darn it!” Pinkie said to her own hoof as she placed it on a dust pan and attempted to sweep a pile of dust and fur onto it. “HOLD ON!”

She pushed the broom forward and the dustpan slid out of the way.

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” Pinkie raised her forehooves up to her face. “WHY DON’T YOU GUYS WORK HERE LIKE YOU DO IN EQUESTRIA?!”

“Meerrrooow!”

“I KNOW HE’S STILL SLEEPING BY I’M JUST SO FRUSTRATED! ARRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGHGHRAAABLAAAAAA!”

-ooooo-<

Dan knitted his brow at Pinkie and examined her carefully.

Pinkie’s grin turned nervous and her eyes darted back and forth.

“Whatever,” Dan said, glancing at his dresser and walking over to it, “just get some rest while I’m out.”

Pinkie’s expression relaxed slightly. “Sure…it’s not like I’m going anywhere…” she added with a hint of annoyance in her tone.

Dan pulled out a change of clothing from his dresser and walked out of the bedroom. He paused at the bathroom door, hesitating before turning on the light.

“Don’t worry!” Pinkie said happily. “I cleaned that up, too.”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief and switched on the light, “Good, I was not looking forward to a shower surrounded by a magical fairy presented version of The Shining.”

Pinkie gave a small, nervous giggle, “Hehehe…Yeah, it was pretty creepy in there.”

“Actually, it was all the frou-frou glitter everywhere I was referring too.”

“Oh, hehehe…”

Dan closed the door to the bathroom and soon the sound of running water could be heard.

Pinkie trotted back over to the kitchen, a mess of flour, broken eggs, and lactose free milk.

“Now… let’s see if I can do this without burning the kitchen down…” Pinkie said.  “…Or myself…” she gulped

-ooo-

Dan stared at his reflection and grumbled irritably to himself as a he ran a comb through his hair.

It’s not fair, it’s just not fair!

Stupid life with all its dumb curve balls!

Makes me want to thrash metaphors with a baseball bat!

I cross dimensions, beat the snot out of some all-powerful cloud thingies, save the girl, and thisis my reward?!

MAN…

IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!

…I can’t BELIEVE I have to get up this early to go to work!

Dan’s expression softened slightly as he continued to look into the mirror.

At least I got Pinkie back and she’s okay…

I mean…mostly okay…

Wow, that was a crazy freak out, even by Pinkie standards…like…give that girl a trophy for most crazy freak out of all time…

And she still seems like she’s adjusting…

Uhlg, I should be staying here with her and making sure she’s okay, not going to make stupid baked goods for the unwashed masses of Van Nuys.

‘BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP…’

“Oh uh…” Dan uttered. “That’s the smoke detector.”

Dan threw open the door. “Pinkie?!” he cried.

He spotted the pink pony wearing a striped white and gray apron in front of a small tower of flames that shot up from a pan on the stove.

“I CAN FIX IT! I CAN FIX IT!” Pinkie insisted.

Pinkie dove under the sink and frantically gathered the fire extinguisher into her arms. She craned her neck and grabbed the hose by her teeth. She attempted to point the nozzle fire-ward all while hugging the fire extinguisher. She fumbled her hooves about trying to work the handle.

She suddenly paused, noticing she’d have to squeeze the two levers that served as the handle together somehow.

“Problem?” Dan asked flatly as he walked into the kitchen.

“Iw goot wit!” Pinkie cried through a mouthful of hose. She let go of the house with her teeth, repositioned her mouth over the levers, and hugged the fire extinguisher to her chest with a single arm.  She positioned her free forearm under the hose, pointed the it, and clamped down with her teeth

“WHHHHAAAA!” With nothing to properly aim the hose it sprayed fire retardant chemicals in all directions, including Dan’s.

Pinkie quickly dropped the fire extinguisher and rushed over to Dan, waving her forearms over his face to get the foam off of it.

Dan shot her daggers as his eyes became visible.

Pinkie sat on her haunches, glanced over at the fire, then back to Dan with a pleading, ‘help me!’ look.

Dan calmly brushed more foam off his body, leaned down and opened up a cupboard next to the stove. He fished out a frying pan cover, stood up and placed the cover over the fiery, smoking pan.

The fire went out.

Pinkie wiped her forearm over her forehead. “Thank you, Dan.”

Dan glanced over the kitchen counters, deciding it best not to address the disaster area Pinkie had turned it into and noticing a giant stack of pancakes with a cherry on top that had avoided Pinkie’s foam frenzy.

“Those for me?” Dan asked.

Pinkie grinned wide, “Yepper! Uh…no eggs though…” Pinkie said, nodding her head at the stove.

Dan glanced at Pinkie, then back to the massive pile of pancakes. “Uh…this will be fine…”

Pinkie smiled and trotted over to the plate, “Let me just put that on the…WHAAAA!”

Dan quickly dove and snatched the plate out of Pinkie’s forehooves before the pink pony could drop it. “That’s okay…” Dan said, stressing the word ‘okay’ rather hard. “I think I can manage.”

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief, “Thanks Dan, I’m kinda butterfing…er hooves this morning…”

Dan shook his head, “Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’re okay…still.”

Pinkie paused and looked up at Dan, her eyes watering slightly.

“Uh…goofball? You doing okay?”

Pinkie stood up on her back legs, closed her eyes, and leaned her face in close to Dan’s, giving him a peck on the cheek.

Dan gave his girlfriend a small smile.

“You always know the right thing to say…” Pinkie mused, as she opened her eyes and looked upon her boyfriend fondly.

Dan chuckled, “So I’ve been told…”

-ooo-

Dan set his fork down next to the still huge pile of pancakes. “Errrgggh…Goofball? We don’t all eat like you and Chris.”

“That’s okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she pushed a mop through the kitchen. “I don’t mind your yummy leftovers.”

Dan glanced over at the microwave clock and frowned, “I better get going, I have a ton of baking to do…” He got up from his chair.

Pinkie sat her mop down and trotted over to Dan, leaning up on her back legs again and wrapping her arms around him.

Dan smiled and returned the affection.

“I’ll miss you…” Pinkie said.

“I’ll miss you, too…” Dan replied. “…You know, I can always…”

“No,” Pinkie interrupted.

Dan sighed, “Alright, goofball. Have it your way.”

The couple parted, Pinkie lowering herself back onto all four hooves.

“Hey, goofball?” Dan said.

“Yes, bestest boyfriend in the whole wide universe?” Pinkie replied sweetly.

Dan lowered himself to Pinkie’s level and quickly placed his face right against hers.

“GET…”

“…SOME…”

“…REST!” Dan demanded.

Pinkie tittered nervously and scotched back a half step. “…Well, Twilight…”

“Too Purple  won’t even be awake for a several more hours!” Dan replied. “I bet tallest horse isn’t even up yet…”

Pinkie sighed and glanced out the window.

Well, it’s still dark here. Dan’s probably right. Celestia likely hasn’t even begun to rise the sun yet, if she’s awake.

Pinkie turned back to Dan, “Alright, Dan.”

 Dan softened his expression and nodded. “Oh, goofball? One more thing…”

“Yes, Dan?”

Dan leaned forward and planted a quick peck on Pinkie’s lips.

Pinkie’s eye’s widened at the affection. She slowly transformed her surprised look into a smile.

“Try not to burn down the apartment while I’m away, okay?” Dan requested.

Pinkie nodded, “Of course, Dan!”

Dan stood back up to his feet and headed for the door. He ran his wrist over his mouth, getting the pink fur off of it.

“I love you, Dan!”

Dan glanced at Pinkie, “I love you, too.” He said warmly.

“Have fun at work!” Pinkie called out.

Dan opened the door and sighed, “I won’t…” He glanced over his shoulder. “Try not to freak out too much about being a pony again, alright?”

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie nodded.

Dan exited the apartment and closed the door behind him.

Pinkie let out a sigh, “…I won’t…”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 73: Pinkie Vs. Explanations

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship

Chapter 73: Pinkie Vs. Explanations

-ooooooo-

 Dan closed the apartment door and began trudging down the walkway towards the stairs.

Well, she’s still a bit freaked out…

Anyone could see that…

…I mean, if they could see past the part where she’s now a pony…

Man…how am I going to keep from throttling a customer without Pinkie around?

Even when she’shaving a bad time, at least she’s there right beside me!

Heck, I’m not even sure how I’m going to keep from throttling my own employees!

Dan continued his short walk towards the bakery.

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures…

-ooooooo-

Pinkie grumbled to herself as she rolled from side to side under the bed covers.

“Grrrrrr!” she kicked at the covers in frustration.

I’ve tried counting sheep, counting electric sheep… I tried to think about how boring black is, but I just keep on remembering how awesome a color pink is and how great black looks next to it!

Maybe I need to think about something calming…

Like a nice, pristine waterfall…water cascading endlessly over the edge into a clean sparkling river. A long river that curves and flows for miles and miles! Yep, just an endless stream of water…gallons and gallons of water flowing on, and on, and on…

…Great…

NowI need to go to the bathroom…

Pinkie sighed and threw off the covers and hopped out of bed. She made her way into the bathroom and pushed the door closed with a forehoof.

Thankfully, toilets, though not designed for her species, were still easy enough to use.

It was opening the door back up that wasn’t going to be fun. Normally knobs shouldn’t have been an issue, but she had begun to note her hooves seemed to be as useful as flat, hard, unopposable end of an arm in this world.

After washing and drying her forehooves, Pinkie walked over to the door. Her earls flopped down around her head as she looked up at the knob with wide, watery eyes.

Well, this is going to be gross…but it’ll work…

Pinkie stood up on her hind legs, braced herself against the door and placed her teeth around the knob. She tilted her head to turn the knob and began backing up, opening the door.

Pinkie lowered herself back to the ground. “Bleh!” she cried, sticking out her tongue. She glanced at a drawer under the sink and trotted over to it. She hooked the end of a hoof under the handle and managed to pull out the drawer a bit.

Pinkie stood up and leaned against the bathroom counter and stuck her head into the open drawer. She fished out a squeeze bottle of toothpaste with her mouth and placed it on the counter. She glanced over to a couple of toothbrushes, one pink, the other black, standing upright out of a cup, leaned her head forward and grabbed the pink one with her teeth.

Pinkie sat the tooth brush down next to the toothpaste.

Great!

…Now how am I going to do this?!

After many failed attempts to get toothpaste onto toothbrush, Pinkie finely gathered the brush between both hooves and began awkwardly scrubbing at her teeth.

This bites…

…literally and repeatedly…

Uhg…I really hope Dan has been keeping his hands clean, there’s going to be a lot of me putting my mouth over door knobs around here…

Pinkie sighed.

And Dan putting his hands on Pinkie Pie slobber…maybe I should add rubber gloves to the shopping list…

Finished brushing her teeth, Pinkie sat down the brush, turned on the bathroom tap and quickly rinsed her tooth brush. She followed this up with a quick gurgle and gave her mouth a quick rinse.

Pinkie lowered herself back to all fours, turned to the door, reached out for the doorknob, and accidently closed the door again.

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!”

-ooooo-

Pinkie trotted out of the bathroom and glanced into the bedroom.

Well, sleeping isn’t working at all.

I seemed to do okay for a bit with Dan holding me…

Of course, I just hadto send him off to work…

Stupid Pinkie promise I made while I was freaking out…

She glanced at the kitchen, still a bit of a disaster from her messy, but mostly successful, attempt at making breakfast.

Well, cleaning up AGAIN will help kill some time…

Hmmm… guess Dan will have to pick up more cleaning supplies at this rate…

Oh, I know!

When I’m done, I can brew myself some nice, calming, relaxing chamomile tea…

Maybe that’ll even help me nod off for a bit!

Yeah…I’ll just surround myself with peace and quiet and avoid anything to rile me up…

-ooooo-

“DO YOUR ‘GOODFELLAS’ MOVE!” Pinkie screamed at the T.V. as she feverishly stomped on the controller underneath her. “DO YOUR ‘GOODDFELLAS’ MOVE, YOU MOTHER-BUCKER! DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE! I’LL DO IT!”

“Alright, alright, show’s over.”

 “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” Pinkie growled out through clenched teeth.

“Meow?” Mr. Mumbles mewed, looking up from her own controller.

Pinkie glanced over at the cat with big, watery, sky-blue eyes, “Maybe later…I don’t think video games are really helping me relax…” Pinkie mused. “Oh! Tea!” she exclaimed. She glanced over at a steaming mug on the coffee table, reached out a forehoof towards it and immediately pushed it off the table into a pile of broken mugs.

“WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY! TEA, I TRUSTED YOU!”

Pinkie glanced over at the digital readout on the microwave.

“7 A.M.!” she cried. “That’s a sensible time for ponies to be awake, right, RIGHT?!”

“Meow?” Mr. Mumbled replied.

Pinkie dashed towards the bedroom, threw open the sliding door to her closet and quickly removed the blanket from over her mirror with her teeth.

Behind the giant, glowing, purple font that read ‘Mute’, Pinkie could see the empty, brightly lit library.

“GRRR! I can’t wait any longer!” Pinkie cried.

She leaned up on her back legs and began feverously tapping at the glass of the mirror.

-o-

‘Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap…’

Twilight Sparkle groggily came to as she heard the fevered tapping on glass.

Goodness, what could that…PINKIE

Twilight was out of bed in a flash. She threw off her covers and leapt out of bed, spreading her wings to slow her descent as she jumped to the floor below.

She saw Pinkie behind the glowing ‘MUTE’ sign as she stared at the mirror. With a purple glow from her horn, the sign was gone and Pinkie’s smiling, nervous face was in full view.

“Pinkie! What’s wrong? Is it TOK?!” Twilight cried.

“Nopper!” Pinkie replied. “Dan and I already took care of them!”

“WHAT?!” Twilight exclaimed in disbelief.

“Yep!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “They tried to kidnap me and ended up taking Dan as well! Then Dan punched them in the face!”

“WHAT?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!”

Pinkie raised her forehooves into a shrug. “I have no idea, but that’s not really important right now.”

“HOW CAN THAT NOT BE IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW?! YOU TWO GOT KIDNAPPED, AND DAN, who has NO magical ability as far as I can tell, MANAGED TO FEND TOK OFF?!”

“Actually, he and I managed to kill quite a few of them…” Pinkie said matter of factually. “But it’s still not the most important thing right now!”

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Twilight cried. “HOW CAN THAT NOT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING?!”

“Uh, Twilight…look at me.”

“I AM looking at you!”

Spike suddenly wandered into view, rubbing his eyes sleepily as he did.

“Yaaaawn…What’s with all the screaming?” Spike paused and his eyes opened wide as he looked at Pinkie. “Hey, Pinkie! You’re a pony again, nice!”

“No, not nice, Spike,” Pinkie replied. “Not nice at all…”

Twilight’s eyes widened as if she was noticing Pinkie for the first time. “WHAT?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!”

Spike recoiled slightly from Twilight’s shouting and stuck a claw behind one of the green fins on his face. He wiggled it about as if to clear something from his ear. “Wow. Rude.”

“When I got kidnapped by TOK, d’uh!” Pinkie said.

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT WASN’T IMPORTANT!”

Spike placed both his claws over the fins on his head. “Twilight, you should maybe consider chilling out a little.”

“No, I mean…the fact that I was kidnaped wasn’t important is what I meant.” Pinkie qualified.

‘Knock, knock’

“I’ll get it!” Spike answered enthusiastically as he walked towards the Library door.

“Okay…let me get this straight…” Twilight said calmly.

Pinkie quietly nodded her head.

“You got kidnapped by TOK,” Twilight stated.

Pinkie nodded.

“But that’s not important…”

Nod.

“…because Dan and you were able to defend yourselves.”

Nod.

“And now you’re a pony again.”

“Well…obviously,” Pinkie replied.

Twilight nodded. “Obviously,” she echoed, “and that’s…”

“Hey, everypony!” Spike said popping back into view. “Look who was out shopping early and heard all the shouting!”

Fluttershy trotted into view, “Uh, hello everypony…” Fluttershy’s eyes went wide as she looked at Pinkie. “Pinkie! You’re you again! How wonderful.”

“Hey Fluttershy,” Pinkie said. “And no, it’s not wonderful,” Pinkie added.

“Wait,” Twilight said as furrowed her brow, “I thought you were saying you being a pony was the important thing.”

“Yes,” Pinkie replied, “and it’s not good.”

“How can being yourself again be a bad thing?” Fluttershy asked.

“That’s what I would like to know!” Twilight said.

“Maybe Pinkie’s been a human so long, she considers that her true form!” Spike suggested.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie shrieked. “No! That’s not it…

‘Knock, knock’

“I’ll get it!” Spike said cheerfully, walking towards the door.

“Oh my! Pinkie, is that true?” Fluttershy asked. “Are you much happier being a human now?”

“NO, that’s not true!” Pinkie said in frustration.

“Wait, but you said you being a pony was bad thing…” Twilight replied as she cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie.

“It IS a bad thing NOW, but it’s NOT a bad thing in general…” Pinkie attempted to explain.

“Hey, girls!” Spike said excitedly. “Look who heard Pinkie and wanted to stop by!”

“Uh, hello?” A famine voice called out.

Pinkie smacked a forehoof against her face. “Why me…”

Mr. and Mrs. Cake wandered up, with Pound Cake on the back of his mother and Pumpkin Cake riding on the back of her father.

“The twins heard Pinkie’s voice as we walked by,” Ms. Cake explained. “We’ve been unsure about bringing them over since she turned into a strange creature, but Spike just said she’s a pony now and…”

Pinkie plastered on her biggest smile she could manage. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Cake!”

The two ponies looked over towards the mirror and grinned.

“Why, hello Pinkie!” Mrs. Cake said happily as she looked upon her former employee and renter for the first time in months.

“Good morning, Pinkie!” Mr. Cake said cheerfully.

“PINKIE PIE!” the twins said excitedly.

Pinkie’s smile turned a bit more genuine.

Alright, if I get to see Pound and Pumpkin cake again, I guess it isn’t so bad…

Without warning, the two twins hopped off their parents back and dove for the mirror. Pound Cake flying as fast as his wings could take him and Pumpkin Cake lowering herself to the ground with magic and sprinting towards the mirror as fast as her little legs would take her.

“No! Wait!” Pinkie pleaded.

Too late, the twins smacked into the solid mirror and fell to the floor below. They looked up at Pinkie with big, confused eyes. Eyes that began to fill with tears.

“WHUAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Mr. and Mrs. Cake exchanged worried glances.

“I CAN FIX THIS!” Pinkie cried. She was gone and back in a pink flash with bag of flour. A bag she wasted no time in holding above her head and opening, turning her pink pony self white.

Pinkie coughed as the flour settled.

The twins ceased crying, and began to giggle. Happily clapping their forehooves together.

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief and wiped a forearm over her forehead.

The Cakes exchanged glances, then flashed Pinkie a knowing smile.

“So that’s where all our flour went…” Mr. Cake said.

Pinkie giggled nervously.

“Just what the hay is going on in here?!”

Pinkie’s eye twitched and she quickly gritted her teeth against each other.

“Rainbow Dash!” Spike said. “”Sup?”

Rainbow Dash trotted towards the group. “What’s the big deal?!” she demanded. “I was just taking a nice powernap after get up early to clear the sky and suddenly everypony is screaming and…” Rainbow Dash paused as she finally caught sight of Pinkie on the other side of the mirror.

“Hi, Dashie…” Pinkie sighed out, as she brushed flour off herself.

“PINKIE!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, “YOU’RE A PONY AGAIN! THIS IS AWESOME!”

“Well, actually…” Pinkie began.

“Pinkie’s not stoked about being a pony again.” Spike explained.

“WHAT?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “HOW CAN YOU NOT BE STOKED ABOUT BEING A PONY AGAIN?!”

“Well,” Pinkie began, “for starters…”

The group went silent and looked expectantly at Pinkie.

 “…the thing about the human world is…”

“NOW WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOING ON HERE?!”

Pinkie sighed, “Oh my stars and garters…”

A chorus of, “Hi, AppleJack”s and “Hey, A.J.”s rang out.

“Hey, A.J.!” Rainbow Dash said. “Pinkie is a pony again!”

Applejack trotted into the ever growing mass of ponies. “Well ain’t that the bees knees!”

“Hey, Applejack…” Pinkie said weakly.

“Hiya, Pinkie! Boy, you must be happier than a pig in its sty to be a pony again!” Applejack explained.

“Actually, Pinkie was just telling us how she wasn’t happy.” Twilight said.

“What?!” Applejack exclaimed. “Now, how could you not be excited about being yerself again?!”

“WELL,” Pinkie began, “If everypony would just give me a chance to finish…”

“Twilight, darling?”

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me…” Pinkie muttered.

Rarity trotted into the library, “Twilight, the door is wide open, are you having some sort of early morning get toge…OH MY GOODNESS! PINKIE, YOU’RE YOU AGAIN!”

“Hi, Rarity.” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes.

“Why, this is simply MARVELOUS!” Rarity exclaimed.

Pinkie grumbled under her breath.

“Actually,” Applejack said, “Pinkie was ‘bout to explain how she isn’t happy about the sit’ation.”

“What?” Rarity asked. She turned to Pinkie, “Oh, dearie, whatever could be the matter? Are you upset all those wonderful clothes don’t fit you?”

“No, it’s…” Pinkie paused, her forehoof suspended as she thought about Rarity’s words, “…okay, that’s part of it, but it’s not the whole…”

“WHAAAAA! WATCH OUT!” A feminine voice called out.

‘Krrisssssssssssssssssssssh!’

One of the Twilight’s large, circular windows shattered as a grey pegasus crashed through it and into the library. She crash landed in the midst of the group of ponies.

“Sorry everypony…” the blonde maned, grey mare offered, her yellow eyes swirling around and around. “…I just don’t know what went wrong…”

Startled by the loud noise, the Cake twins once again broke into loud cries.

“WHUAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Mr. and Mrs. Cake quickly bent down to pick up their children and began attempting to sooth them.

“Oh Celestia!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Kidding you about what, my little pony?”

Pinkie’s eyes shoot open wide as the ponies, except Twilight, on the other side of the mirror bowed.

Mr. and Mrs. Cake nervously darted their eyes from side to side as they held their crying children.

“Princess Celestia?!” Pinkie cried as the alabaster alicorn trotted into the group of ponies. “What are you even doing over there?!”

“WHUAAAAAAAAAAA…hehehehehe…” Pound and Pumpkin Cake stopped their crying and began to giggle, swatting at Celestia’s sparkly hair as it flowed in front of them.

“Princess Celestia is here because we’re having a Princess summit right here in Ponyville!” Twilight explained. “Isn’t that exciting?”

“Uh, a thousand pardons your majesty…” Mr. Cake said as his children continued to play with Celestia’s hair.

“Oh, it’s quite alright.” Celestia said with a smile.

Pumpkin cake crabbed a hoofful of Celestia’s hair and stuck it in her mouth.

“Pinkie Pie!” Celestia said happily. “I see you’re a pony again.”

“Uh…yeah…” Pinkie said meekly, “…it’s great…”

“Wait…” Twilight said, “I thought you said it wasn’t great.”

“Oh my, whatever is the problem, Pinkie?” Celestia asked with a touch of concern.

“Erm…well…” Pinkie began to sweat bullets as she stared out Princess Celestia and all the other ponies at the library.

“Merrrrrrow!” Mr. Mumbles cried angrily as she trotted up next to Pinkie.

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “You!”

“MERRROW! HISSSS…”

“At least it seems I can groom myself!” Celestia retorted.

“HISSSSSS!”

The Ponies’ eyes began to dart back and forth between Celestia and Mr. Mumbles.

“How DARE you!” Celestia replied. “My horn is this size because of my control over magic!”

“HISSS! Merrrow!”

“At least I HAVE features that warrant being proud of!” Celestia replied.

 “Sister? Is everything alright?”

One again, everypony, save Twilight and Celestia, lowered themselves as Princess Luna walked into the midst of the group.

Pumpkin and Pound cake began giggling as another, sparkly, waving plaything walked into the library.

Pinkie just stared on in disbelief.

“Uh…Princess? Mr. Mumbles?” Twilight interrupted. “Now isn’t the time…”

“Oh…oh my…” Celestia said remembering herself. “You’re right Twilight… Do you have a spare mirror?”

“Uh…sure?” Twilight replied. She pointed off into the library, “There’s a store room down the hall and three doors down.”

Celestia nodded with a closed eye smile, “Thank you, Twilight.” She turned to her sister, and moved her face in close to Luna’s ear. “Luna, follow me, we’re making a second mirror,” she whispered.

Luna cocked an eye open wide, “Sister?” Luna glanced at Pinkie who merely smiled back nervously, “Are you sure that’s necessary?”

Celestia nodded grimly. “It’s very necessary,” she answered as she shot a glare at Mr. Mumbles.

“Hissss!”

Celestia raised a forehoof, pointed it at her own eyes and then pointed it at Mr. Mumbles.

“Come along, Luna,” Celestia said.

Luna gave Pinkie a quick, polite nod. “Hello Pinkie Pie, it’s good to see you are yourself once more.”

A fake smile exploded over Pinkie’s face. “Right…good…” she replied through clenched teeth.

“Merow?”

Pinkie looked down at Mr. Mumbles who looked up at her with big, green eyes.

Pinkie gave an exasperated sigh as her ears flopped down around her head, “I’ll get my compact…”

-o-

Pinkie trotted back in front of the mirror. And looked out at the mass of ponies on the other side. Others had apparently heard the commotion and wandered into the library. Thankfully, a few of her friends where still right in front of the mirror.

“Hey guys! Where’s Twilight?” Pinkie asked.

“Ah, she’s erm… assisting the other two princesses,” Rarity informed.

“MERRRRROW! HISSSSSS!”

“Oh my! Such language!” Fluttershy exclaimed.

Pinkie shot a quick glance out the bedroom door, “Sounds like she just finished.”

Twilight quickly galloped back in front of the mirror, “Sorry, Pinkie! Princess stuff.”

“…AND YOUR FUR LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING CHEWED YOU UP AND SPIT YOU OUT WHEN FOUND OUT HOW YOU TASTED!” Celestia’s voice rang out.

Twilight’s face flushed as she grinned nervously. Her horn glowed purple accompanied by the sound of a door slamming shut.

“It’s okay Twilight,” Pinkie replied as she trotted over to the bedroom door and closed it. She glanced back at the mirror, “I understand.”

“So, Pinkie…” Twilight began, “…about the whole you turning into a pony being simultaneously good and bad thing…”

“Well, you see…”

“TWILIGHT!”

Twilight looked towards the library door. “FLASH!” she exclaimed.

“Uuuuuuuugh…” Pinkie uttered in frustration.

Flash Sentry galloped up to Twilight Sparkle who began happily nuzzling him.

“You came with the princesses!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Yep!” Flash replied, “I would have come in with them, but I had to stop and get these!” Flash moved his wings to in front of him, displaying off a large bouquet of red roses.

“Ooooh, Flash! They’re gorgeous!” Twilight exclaimed.

Flash grinned, “Not as gorgeous as the mare they’re for.”

Twilight beamed as her face flushed red.

“Awwwwww…” Fluttershy uttered.

Rarity tittered to herself, “Oh, how sweet.”

“Really? That was the lamest line ever!” Rainbow Dash declared, motioning out to Flash Sentry with her forehooves.

Pinkie rolled her eyes, “Tell me about it.”

With a purple glow, the flowers levitated out of Flash’s wing and up to Twilight’s muzzle. She lowered her nose into the roses and gave them a sniff. “Oh, Flash… I’m going to put them in water right now!”

“Twilight, wait…!” Pinkie pleaded.

Twilight was off in a giddy flash.

Pinkie sighed.

Flash turned to the pink mare. “Hey Pinkie!” he said in a happy tone. “You’re a pony again! That’s so cool!”

“Actually, Pinkie thinks it’s uncool.” Rainbow Dash explained.

“What?!” Flash exclaimed. “How can Pinkie being a pony again be uncool?!”

“That’s what I said!” Rainbow Dash replied.

“Well, if there weren’t so many ponies just showing up out of nowhere,” Pinkie began irritably, “I’d tell you all.”

“Go ahead, darling. We’re all ears.” Rarity said.

“Okay,” Pinkie began, “well…”

Twilight trotted back to the group. “Hey, Pinkie! Sorry about that.”

“Dearie, Pinkie’s getting a bit frazzled with all these constant interruptions.” Rarity informed.

“Oh, well…” Twilight said, “Flash and I can just...”

“No! Stay!” Pinkie pleaded. “I need you to hear this.”

Twilight nodded, “Alright Pinkie, shoot.”

“TWILY!”

Twilight glanced towards the door again. “BIG BROTHER! CADANCE!”

Pinkie’s eye twitched again, she quickly rushed to the bed, grabbed a pillow and returned to in front of the mirror. Pinkie raised the pillow up to her face, covering it.

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaah!” Pinkie screamed into the pillow. She removed the pillow from her face, “Huff…puff…”

“Feel better, dearie?” Rarity asked raising an eyelash.

Pinkie’s eye twitched as she looked at Rarity, “No…” she whispered out.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you!” Twilight exclaimed, embracing her brother.

Pinkie glared daggers out at the scene in front of her.

If only I were there right now, I’d take you all one by one into a dark room and eviscerate you…

Cadance trotted up with a big grin on her face.

Twilight returned the grin.

“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake! Clap your hooves and do a little shake!”

Pinkie continued to glare.

One by one, I’d endeach of you under my blade…

Shining Armor noticed Flash and gave him a knowing grin as he walked up and elbowed him in the ribs, “Hello, Flash. Still flagrantly disregarding regulations, I see…”

Flash grinned pensively, closing his eyes and nervously chuckling at the comment gave by the Captain of the Royal Guard.

 Glaring intensifies.

Seriously, do any of you know what goes down at a pig farm?

“Shining Armor, be nice!” Twilight called out, walking over to Flash and throwing a forearm around his neck. “Besides! I’m the one who approached him!”

Glaring intensifies!

They’d never find your bodies…

Shining Armor chuckled, “Yeah, yeah, just giving him a hard time…” He turned and noticed Pinkie. “Pinkie,” he exclaimed, “you’re back to normal.”

Pinkie forced a smile as best she could, a large toothy grin underneath hate filled eyes. “Yes.” She uttered out through clenched teeth.

“That’s gotta make things easier on you.” Shining Armor mused.

Pinkie clenched her teeth together hard.

Cadance knitted her brow as she looked at Pinkie. “Wait, Dan’s still human, right?”

Pinkie’s eye’s widened. “Ummm-hmmm!” she hummed while nodding her head up and down vigorously.

“Uh…forgive me for asking,” Cadance said, “but… doesn’t that make things a bit…awkward?”

Everypony’s paying attention to the eyes suddenly shot open with realization.

Everypony’s, except Twilight’s.

Pinkie finally smiled. “YES! FINALLY, SOMEPONY GETS IT!”

Fluttershy stood up on her hind legs, place a forearm to her forehead, uttered an “Uhhhuwuwuwuwuh…” and fell backwards, passing out on the spot.

Everypony looked down at Fluttershy then back up at Pinkie Pie.

“Huh?” Twilight said, looking from face to face, “Why would that be a problem?”

Suddenly, all eyes focused on Twilight.

“Wait, seriously?” Shining Armor asked. “You really have to ask how Pinkie being a different species than Dan might be awkward?”

“Well…” Twilight turned to Pinkie, “he still loves you, right?”

“Well, yes,” Pinkie replied, “but love’s not the problem…”

Twilight knitted her brow, “Then what is the problem?”

Everypony, once again, focused their eyes on Twilight and gave her a strange look.

“What?” Twilight asked with a confused expression on her face. “What?”

Pinkie buried her face in her forehooves. “Rainbow Dash… you don’t have any shame, could you explain it to her?”

“HEY,” Rainbow Dash protested, “just because I want to tell her because it’ll be really, really funny to see the look on her face, doesn’t mean I don’t have some boundaries!”

Pinkie exhaled slowly and put on a small smile, “You’re right, Rainbow. I’m sorry I…”

Rainbow Dash suddenly caught sight of something in the library. “Oh man, is that Flitter and Cloudchaser?!” she exclaimed excitedly, her wings extending out slightly. “I’m gonna go see if I can make that twin-sandwich dream of mine a reality!”

Everyone paused and watched Rainbow Dash flap over to the light purple pegasi twins.

“Uh well…that was…erm…highly inappropriate…” Rarity mused.

Pinkie sighed, “Forget it, I’ll explain it myself.” Pinkie inhaled a large amount of air and…

“Hi, Everypony!”

… “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGGHGH!”

The group of ponies greeted Applejack.

“Pinkie’s still confused about being a pony again, Ah see,” Applejack said.

“Confusion is exactly what I’d like to address!” Twilight stated.

“Well, I brought jus’ the thing!” Applejack said. “I figured Pinkie could talk her problems out!”

“…But that’s what I’ve been trying to do!” Pinkie protested.

“So, I brought some help!” Applejack added.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PSYCHOANALYZES, YAY!”

Pinkie’s expression sank to the depths of despair as if it had just collided with an iceberg and descended deep into the icy abyss below encasing all passengers onboard in chilling, watery tomb.

“So,” Scootaloo said excitedly, “tell us about your childhood!”

“Wait,” Sweetie Belle said, “I thought we were going to ask her about her dad…”

“We decided we weren’t gonna ask any of those questions until somepony told us who Oedipony was!”  Apple Bloom said.

“Oh!” Twilight chimed in. “Well, Oedipony was a stallion who killed his father and then married his mo…”

“HEY, TWILIGHT!” Flash interrupted nervously. “Why don’t we go mingle… you know… you give the ponies here a chance to talk with their princess.”

“Uh…oh… okay then…” Twilight said. “Talk to you later Pinkie!”

“No, wait!” Pinkie pleaded.

“So, Pinkie…” Scootaloo piped up, “…can you describe your libido for us?”

“Yeah…and explain to us what that is.” Sweetie Belle added.

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

-ooooo-

“Oh man!” An excited looking brown colt in a spinning beanie cap exclaimed. “I bet now that you have your hooves back, you’re way better at video games!”

“CRUSH!” Pinkie said, her face contorted in anger.

“I mean…Sweetie Belle told me about how you had these weird, floppy things at the end of your arms…”

“KILL!”

The colt giggled, “Can you imagine trying to hit buttons with something silly like that?!”

“DESTROY!”

“’Cause, I sure can’t…”

“SWAG!”

-ooooo-

“Iron Will thinks you need to get in touch with your inner pony!” A large, bluish-grey, muscular, Minotaur declared. “EMBRACE IT!” he cried. He rotated his forearms about and pointed his index fingers at pony, flexing his arms in the process, “EMBRACE YOUR INNER PONY!”

“I am my inner pony, right now!” Pinkie replied.

“EMBRACE YOURSELF!”

“I’D RATHER EMBRACE MY BOYFRIEND WHO IS A DIFFERENT SPECIES THAN ME!” Pinkie screamed shrilly.

Iron Will’s eyes widened and his pupils shrank to the size of pinpricks, “…Iron Will suddenly understands the situation a lot better and is now very uncomfortable…Iron Will would like to excuse himself.”

Pinkie nodded, “You may go.”

“Iron Will thanks you.”

-ooooo-

“The Grrrrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie thinks you should enjoy being able to use magic again!” Trixie declared dramatically, closing her eyes and throwing her forehooves into the air as she approached the mirror.

“…Trixie…I’m an earth pony…” Pinkie informed.

Trixie opened her eyes. “Oh…so you are…”

“…”

“…Wanna see a magic trick?” Trixie asked with a smile.

Pinkie sighed, “Yeah…sure…”

-ooooo-

“Yeah!” Bulk Biceps exclaimed.

“Grrrrrrrr!” Pinkie growled out irritably.

“Yeah!”

“Grrrrrrrr!”

“Yeah!”

“Grrrrrrrr!”

“YEAH!”

“GRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“YEAH!”

“GRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Bulk Biceps paused and rested his chin on his forehoof with a thoughtful expression. “Hmmm, yes…I see how that could be quite the conundrum…”

-ooooo-

Angel looked at the Pink pony with a bored expression.

“…Why are you even here?!” Pinkie asked.

The white rabbit raised his paws into a shrug.

-ooooo-

“You know what they say…” A bright teal unicorn with a white and grayish-blue mane and tail said, “…it’s better to have had hands and lost than never had hands at all.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes at the unicorn, “Lyra, I don’t think anypony has said that, ever, except for you.”

“So...” Lyra said, her eyes turning wild and crazed, “…what was it like?”

“Uh…what was what like?” Pinkie asked, cocking an eye at Lyra.

“Having hands!” Lyra said. “Did you grab things?!”

“Erm…”

“TELL ME WHAT YOU GRABBED!” Lyra demanded as she stood on her hind legs and leaned her forehooves against the mirror. “TELL ME WHAT YOU GRABBED!”

Pinkie leaned back from the mirror, a surprised, concerned expression on her face.

A light-yellow mare with pink and blue hair sighed out, “Come on Lyra, you’re freaking everypony out…like usual…”

“But…but HANDS!” Lyra protested as the light-yellow mare clamped her teeth around the teal unicorn’s tail and dragged her away from the mirror.

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief.

“HANDS!” an excited shout rang out from the library.

“IRON WILL NEEDS AN ADULT!”

“Hey, Pinkie!” Twilight said, trotting up to the mirror as she tossed a quick glance out into the library. “Everything going okay?”

“YOU! ME! BATHROOM! NOW!” Pinkie shouted.

Twilight’s face flushed crimson as her eyes widened and her ears flopped down around her head. “Uh…Pinkie…I have a coltfriend…”

“I’M NOT PROPOSITIONING YOU! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ALONE!”

“Oh…” Twilight said in a relieved tone, “Good idea…that way you won’t have all these distractions and can tell me why being a pony is a problem!” Twilight said in a chipper tone.

“WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 74: Dan Vs. Pony Love

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10

Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship

Chapter 74: Dan Vs. Pony Love

-ooooooo-

Dan gave a melancholy sigh as he added another rainbow colored cupcake to the display case.

Man, this job is boring without someone to talk to…or yell at…

I think I actually miss Pinkie’s endless chatter.

I’d even let her pun a few times…

God, I’m desperate…

Dan paused as he heard the back door open. He raised to his feet and turned around.

“Hey, Dan!” Chris greeted cheerfully. He took a quick glance through the bakery, “Where’s Pinkie?”

“You’re Pinkie for the day!” Dan declared.

Chris eye’s shot open wide. “Wow…I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly uncomfortable that makes me…”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Not like that, you doofus. I need you to make sure I don’t assault any customers or employees…” Dan quickly glanced at the ceiling, “…except you.”

Chris narrowed his eyes slightly, “But you don’t hit Pinkie… I mean…unless she throws the first punch.”

Dan shrugged, “I’m willing to make a few exceptions…”

It was Chris’s turn to roll his eyes, “Lucky me… So, is she sick or something?”

“Sure, let’s go with that.”

Chris cocked an eyebrow, “What’s she have?”

“Uh…ponypox…Shut up!” Dan leveled an index finger at Chris, “Look, are you going to help me from beating up the slovenly masses that mess up our bakery on a daily basis or not?”

 “You probably shouldn’t refer to our customers as ‘slovenly masses’.”

“See!” Dan said, motioning out to Chris with both hands. “That’s exactly the same stupid advice Pinkie would give me! You’re a natural at this.”

“I’m not sure trying to explain basic human kindness really counts as advice, Dan.”

“See, there you go again! You’re like a much taller and much, much less attractive version of her.”

“Uh…thanks?”

“No seriously, you look like some sort of hairless, goofy offspring of a sloth and an ape.”

“Hey, now that’s just unkind!” Chris protested.

“Whatever,” Dan said dismissively, “are you going to help me or not?”

“Well, I’ve been trying to keep you out of trouble almost since I first met you…” Chris reasoned as he flicked out a palm at face level.

“Great!” Dan said. “Okay, so hide the fact that I think our customers are a bunch of sub-human plebeians…what else you got?”

“Uh…” Chris glanced to the side for a second and raised an index finger to his cheek, “…try not to deck D.H. when she covers you in cupcakes.”

Dan winced, “She’s on the lineup for today, eh?”

“Dan, you made the schedule. How can you not know this?”

Dan shrugged, “I usually just have Pinkie throw darts to figure out who’s working …”

-ooooooo-<

“Now remember,” Dan said as he gripped his blindfolded, pink, raglan-clad girlfriend’s shoulders, “throw really hard. We want to make sure the darts stick in nice and firm.”

Pinkie nodded, “Okie-dokie-lokie!” She raised a dart up in her thin, nail polished hand and let it fly.

“OW! What the heck?!” Chris cried.

Dan looked down at a clipboard and jotted something down. “Alright, Chris gets morning shift. Throw again…”

Pinkie repeated the process of throwing a dart.

“Ouch bra! You got my good arm…” Crunchy whined.

“Yay!” D.H. exclaimed. “I get to sleep in!”

“…Dan if, I’m throwing darts at a list of names, why is everyone yelling?” Pinkie asked.

“List of names…riiiight…” Dan replied, “Also, shut up and keep throwing. We’ve got an entire week to plan.”

“…Okie-dokie-lokie”

“GHA! MY FORHEAD!”

<-ooooooo->

Chris winced, “Yeah, that’s why I put on an extra layer when I show up to employee meetings...and put on protective eyewear… and wear a hat.”

“So, what other incompetent do I have to put up with today?” Dan asked.

“Uh… Crunchy.” Chris replied.

“Gangs all here, huh?”

“Well, except Pinkie.” Chris reminded.

Dan shot his tall friend a glare, “Why’d you have to remind me! I miss her enough as it is!”

“Uh, sorry Dan.”

Dan shook his head and sighed, “It’s okay, it’s just…I’m starting to forget things like…the smell of her hair…the feeling of her soft body against mine… the cute smile on her muzzle when she’s happy with me…”

“Dan, you must have saw her like… a few hours ago, and…” Chris paused, “Wait… did you say, ‘muzzle’?”

Dan’s eyes shot open wide and he placed his fingers against his cheeks and dug his nails into his face. “Oh no! It’s happening!”

“Uh… dare I ask, what’s happening?” Chris said as he cocked an eyebrow.

“This horrible disease known as love is starting to blind me to all things physical about my relationship with Pinkie.” Dan declared dramatically.

“…And that’s…bad?” Chris asked as he cocked an eyebrow.

Dan rushed up to Chris, stood on his tiptoes, and reached for the tall man’s collar, “Don’t you see! I’m becoming some sort of horrible pony-loving adult!”

“Uh…okay, I’m really confused as to how that’s relevant, but I also don’t see the problem with liking ponies.” Chris said as he gently removed Dan’s hands from his shirt.

“No, Chris! You don’t get it! I don’t just like ponies…” Dan said. “I love them…” he added whisper quiet. “Well…one, anyways…” he qualified.

“Still not getting it…” Chris said.

“I’m obsessed!” Dan cried. “First it’s me finding her face irresistibly adorable, then her fur soft and pleasant to the touch,” Dan said, emphatically motioning out in all directions with his arms, “then suddenly I’m spending hours of the day cataloguing every semi-interesting thing we do together like some creepy, fanatical, pony obsessed fan-boy…a boyny…” Dan paused. “Wait, that doesn’t sound right...” he said as he tapped an index finger against his cheek and stared at the ceiling.

“Wow, Dan.” Chris said. “After years of listening to your bizarre, crazy rants, you have actually managed to come up with one that makes the rest seem like intelligent, crafted, well-researched essays. Well done.”

“Chris! This is no time for your ever present pessimistic outlook on life!” Dan declared.

Chris frowned and narrowed his eyes at Dan.

“I’m having a major identity crisis over here!” Dan stated. “Also, I can’t come up with a name for my bizarre affliction.”

“Dan, I don’t think liking ponies is an affliction.”

“Just shut up and help my come up with a catchy name!”

“…Poman…” Chris suggested.

“… That’s horrible, that could be anything.” Dan said.

“I don’t even know why we’re doing this in the first place!”

The two friends paused and looked towards the back as they heard the door open.

“’Sup, bros?” Crunchy greeted.

Dan stared at Crunchy. “That’s it!” he declared as he raised an index finger. “Tiny horse fan!”

Chris looked over at dreadlocked, arm slung hippy and gave him a nod, “Hey, Crunchy.” He turned back to Dan, “Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.”

“It’s ‘tiny horse fan’ and that’s final!” Dan declared forcefully. He fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. “I’m a tiny horse fan! Oh, woe is me!” Dan sobbed out. “Can there be a worse fate?!” Dan cried as he began to weep into his palms.

“Dude, what’s up with the boss man?” Crunchy asked.

“He’s upset because he apparently loves ponies… or something… it wasn’t really clear to me.” Chris explained.

“What’s wrong with that?” Crunchy asked. “Ponies are awesome!”

Dan looked up at Crunchy, “They are?”

“Sure!” Crunchy said, “All of nature’s creatures are awesome!”

Dan stood up and cocked an eye at the hippy. “Even the Brazilian wandering spider whose powerful neurotoxin can cause asphyxiation and death?”

“Especially the Brazilian wandering spider, bra!”

Dan pondered this, “Note to self…pick a less impressive animal next time.” A smile suddenly emerged on his face, “Still! I’m reminded that I’m at least not a dirty hippy, and that makes me feel better!” Dan said with a smile. “Thanks, Cripple!”

Crunchy nodded, “Happy to help.”

“Help doing what?”

The group turned as D.H. walked over from the back.

“Dan’s freaking out because he likes ponies.” Chris explained.

“Tiny horse fan!” Dan reminded.

“What’s wrong with that?” D.H. asked. “Pony’s rock!” she declared.

“See Dan,” Chris said motioning out to D.H., “everyone likes ponies.”

“Oh! I’m so relived and happy!” Dan declared. “Alright crew! Let’s form a mighty band of tiny horse fans and rain fire on all who don’t share our love!”

“Whoa, metal dude.” Crunchy replied.

“Yay!” D.H. cried as she excitedly clapped her hands together. “Team building!”

“Dan, I don’t think we need to set people on fire if they don’t like ponies,” Chris said.

“You celebrate your loves your way, I’ll celebrate my loves my way,” Dan stated.

D.H. looked over the bakery with her crooked eyes. “We’re Pinkie?”

“Oh! I’m so depressed and miserable!” Dan cried.

“Pinkie’s sick,” Chris explained.

“Bummer dude,” Crunchy replied.

“Oh, I hope she feels better, soon!” D.H. added.

“Yeah…I wonder what she’s doing now…” Dan said. “Probably something adorable,” he mused wistfully.

-Dan and Pinkie’s apartment, 6:59 A.M.-

Pinkie glared angrily at the television screen as she mashed her hooves against her video game controller.

“I HOPE WHOEVER INVENTED SIDE BUTTONS DIES IN A FIRE!” she shrieked.

-ooooo-

“Welp…” Dan said, “Better let in the unwashed-I mean, not completely deplorable people of Van Nuys in…” He said walking over to the bakery entrance and unlocked the door.

“Come in, everyone!” Dan said as he faked enthusiasm. “Plenty of baked goods to stuff your ugly face…” Dan’s eyes flew open then suddenly narrowed to tiny slits. “YOU!”

“Hello, Dan,” A smiling man that was Dan’s height, had hair cut in a similar fashion to Dan’s, a triangular soul patch, and a number of bandages over face and body said. The man’s grin grew wider, “Surprised to see you so soon?”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 75: Twilight Vs. Innuendos

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship

Chapter 75: Twilight Vs. Innuendos

-ooooooo-

“Hey everypony!” Spike said cheerfully as he held the library door open. “The circus is in town!”

Pinkie’s jaw dropped as clown and acrobat ponies begin to pour into the library.

“Huh,” Spike uttered, “I wonder how we’ll get that elephant in…”

‘Prrrrrrumph!’

Pinkie’s angry, bloodshot eyes shot open as she stared at Twilight, “You take this mirror into the bathroom! YOU TAKE THIS MIRROR INTO THE BATHROOM, RIGHT NOW, OR I’M GOING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHEW THROUGH DIMENSIONS!”

Twilight paused, “Wait…can you do that? ‘Cause if you could, I mean…that would solve…”

“TAKE THE BUCKING MIRROR INTO THE BATHROOM!” Pinkie commanded.

“Alright already!” Twilight replied. Her horn glowed purple as the same glow enveloped the mirror and lifted it into the air. Twilight bee-lined for the bathroom, but stopped when she noticed a line of ponies eager to get it.

“Uh, Pinkie?” Twilight said, turning the mirror to face the line.

“Oh, for the love of Celestia!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Just a minute~!” The princess called out from behind the bathroom door. “We princesses need to use the restrooms, too from time to time. Twilight, my dear? Are you there?”

“Uh, yes Celestia…” Twilight replied.

“You really should invest in better toilet paper now that you’re a princess. This three-ply might as well be sandpaper.”

Twilight’s face flushed crimson, “Uh…sure Celestia…”

Pinkie paused, “Wait, you’re still using three-ply?!”

“I thought I was doing pretty well in the world of toilet paper!” Twilight cried.

“Twilight, Twilight…” Pinkie said, tut-tutting her friend, “You simply have not lived until you feel smooth Egyptian cotton against your…”

“PINKIE!”

“WHAT?!”

“Can we maybe have this conversation somewhere a little more private?!” Twilight asked.

“Oh…right…TAKE ME OUTSIDE!” Pinkie demanded.

“Outside? How the hay is outside more private?!”

Pinkie cocked her head to the side and stared out at Twilight with large, frustrated eyes, “Well, apparently every pony in Equestria is in the library right now!”

“No they’re not!” Spike called out. “There’s a few more still trying to get in!”

“Heeeey~,” A goggle wearing white unicorn with a spiked, electric-blue colored mane said, “now this is a rockin’ paaaartaaay!”

A grey earth pony with a black mane quizzically took in her surroundings, “Why is everypony just wandering into the library, I wonder…?”

“You think too much, Octi,” The google wearing unicorn replied. “I should go get my DJ equipment,” she mused as she grinned and rubbed her forehooves together.

Pinkie’s eyes began twitching rapidly as her face contorted into a shifting mass of twisted anger.

“The library is full to the roof,” A zebra with her mane styled into a mohawk commented, “this goof is getting out of hoof.”

“SEE TWILIGHT!” Pinkie said, motioning at the zebra. “Even Zecora thinks this is getting ridiculous.”

 “Uh…you know what?” Twilight said. “Outside sounds like a good idea…”

Twilight made her way through the library, mirror in tow. “Excuse me! Pardon me! Princess with a magic, dimensional-contacting mirror coming through!” She called out as she pushed her way past the mass of ponies towards the Library’s back door.

Soon, Twilight and the mirror were outside in the empty, quiet Ponyville day.

Pinkie sighed, “Finally!”

“Hey girls!” Flash Sentry called out from the Library doorway. “What’s…”

“I WILL CUT OFF YOUR WINGS WITH A CHAINSAW AND FEED THEM TO YOU!” Pinkie screeched.

“Uhhhh…maybe I should go back inside…” Flash suggested with a pensive grin.

Twilight nodded, “That would be wise.”

Flash retreated into the safety of the library and shut the door behind him.

Twilight turned to Pinkie, “Okay…so…for reasons that are not entirely important right now, you’re a pony again and that’s bad…but not in the general sense, just bad at the moment given you’re in another dimension and your boyfriend is still human. Does that about sum it up?”

Pinkie nodded vigorously.

“Alright…so well…Having been in a dimension like Dan’s I guess I can see how being a talking pony would be pretty problematic.”

“You don’t even want to know how many things I’ve had to put my mouth on today!” Pinkie cried.

“Uh…no…” Twilight agreed, “I’m sure I don’t… In fact, let’s make it a rule that you never tell me the things you’ve put your mouth on, ever.”

Pinkie pursed her lips and whimpered, “Even ice cream?”

“Ice cream is fine.” Twilight stated.

“What about snow-cones?”

“Dessert, in general, is fine.”

“…What about…” Pinkie paused and thought for a second, “…Dan’s meatloaf?”

“AHHH! NO! NO! I SPECIFICALLY NEVER, EVER, EVER WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT!”

“…But…” Pinkie protested, “It’s so moist and juic…”

Twilight faced away from the mirror, placed her hooves over her ears, and began signing, “La, la, la, la, la…” in an attempt to drowned Pinkie out.

Pinkie’s lip began to quiver, “But it’s sooooo good! Especially when he drowns it in hot sauce…”

“La, la, la…wait? Hot sauce?” Twilight turned back to the mirror and stared at Pinkie with knitted eyebrows. “Doesn’t that burn?”

Pinkie grinned, “Not me! I love hot sauce!”

“I meant Dan.”

“Oh, well…he’s even more used to it than me!”

“I…wow…” Twilight’s eyes went wide and she began to stare off into space, “…I’ve never been this disturbed in my life…and I once let the Cutie Mark Crusaders tell me everything they tried in attempting to get their cutie marks…” she added with a shudder.

“Twilight, I think you might be making a tiny bit bigger deal of this than you need to…” Pinkie said. “Heck, since you like meat so much, I figured once we sort out this whole dimensional thing you can have a taste of Dan’s meatloaf, too.”

“WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT TO ME?!” Twilight screamed at the mirror. “Geez, Pinkie! I know you like to share, but you need to have some boundaries!”

Pinkie’s lips quivered once again, “But…but…Dan makes really good meatloaf!”

“PINKIE, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT…wait… ‘Makes’?” Twilight’s expression relaxed a bit. “Are you talking about a literal meat loaf? Like… some sort of loaf of meat?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie said excitedly, “It’s like this really delicious loaf that’s kinda like bread that you slice up and eat! Except it’s mostly meat.”

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay…yes…you can tell me about that still.” Twilight looked back at her friend with a warm smile, “And I’d love to try some of Dan’s meatloaf when we figure out how to get you back here.”

Twilight suddenly frowned, considering the implications of what she had just agreed to and the person she may have unwittingly invited to Equestria. She didn’t have long to dwell on this, however…

“What about…” Pinkie looked at the ceiling thoughtfully for a moment and tapped a forehoof against her chin. “Dan’s big, plump, juicy sausage…”

 “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

-oooooo-

“What are you doing here?!” Dan demanded of his doppelganger.

Dan* merely smiled in reply, “I hear this place has the best cupcakes and muffins in town! And when I heard my dear friend Dan and his delightful girlfriend practically ran the place, I knew I just had to make this my people watching spot of the day!”

Dan cocked an eyebrow, “People watching?”

“Sure! You find a nice cozy spot, then you hunker down with some food and a warm beverage, and you just sit, listen, and watch the world unfold around you… It’s really relaxing, you should try it sometime…”

“Ulgh…” Dan uttered, “I hate people, I think I’d rather punch myself in the face for a few hours than subject myself to listening to their inane prattle…WAIT?! ‘DAY’?!” Dan exclaimed. “AS IN AN ENTIRE DAY!?”

“Hmmm, yes.” Dan* replied with a nod. “A day spent with the best baked goods L.A. has to offer,” His eyes suddenly turned wild, and his smile malicious, “and my good friend Dan.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at his double. “Look buddy, I get it! If I was in your shoes, I’d want revenge, too.” Dan opened his eyes back up and held a palm up, “But you walked into the wrong, mediocre diner on the wrong day and ran into Pinkie Pie.” Dan pointed an index finger at his well-dressed counterpart, “Aaaand, you should consider yourself lucky she just threw you through a window. You do not want to know the things Pinkie has talked about doing to you if she ever got you alone in a dark room. They’re disturbing even to me! Especially to me!”

“Ahh yes, that delightfully bubbly pink nymph you managed to land.” Dan* replied. “Congratulations by the way! She’s quite the looker…”

 “Yeah, I noticed. Can I go now? I have a day to spend making cupcakes for the unwashed…”

“DAN!” Chris called out in a warning tone.

Dan rolled his eyes, “I mean…hygienically acceptable masses of Los Angeles.”

Dan* smiled and waved past Dan. “Hi Chris! Long time no see buddy…and… have you lost weight?!”

Chris smiled, “I have actually! Thank you for noticing!”

“Chris!” Dan called out, “Stop making nice with the enemy. He’s obviously here as part of some nefarious plot to get back at me and Pinkie because he can’t take a little broken glass embedded all over his body.”

Dan* shook his head and chuckled, “Dan, I don’t need to do anything! You see, Dan… I’m just going to sit and order food like a good, well-behaved customer at any of Los Angeles’s fine dining establishments.”

“The horror!” Dan said sarcastically.

“Hmm yes, quite.” Dan* said. “So, all you and that pink haired charmer of yours have to do is treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve,” his eyes turned wide and his smile devilishly evil once more, “otherwise, this life you two loose cannons have managed to build out of a deck of playing cards might come tumbling down.”

Dan’s eyes went wide with the realization.

That…that fiend!

That’s his little game!

He’s just going to hang around and wait for Pinkie or I to slip up, then he’ll probably report us to the police!

…If only Pinkie wasn’t a pony…

…They’d never find his body…

“Speaking of that wonderful girlfriend of yours, I was hoping I could see her again and” –Dan* steepled his fingers together and looked at Dan with soft, wide eyes—“make amends. I’d really love to bury the hatchet.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow, “I’m sure Pinkie would, too… probably in your skull.”

Dan* chuckled, “I’m counting on it.”

“Uh, look…I’m usually not one to look out for my enemies, but you really oughta let this one go.” Dan suggested. “Pinkie has an endless supply of-elch- happiness and smiles for nearly everybody. But if you rub her the wrong way, she has a special, deep, dark place in her mind just full of the most sadistic tortures you can imagine. I don’t think you’d walk away from this one unscathed...if at all.”

“Why Dan,” Dan* began, “you wouldn’t be threatening a customer now, would you?”

Dan sighed, “Look, buddy, I gave you my advice, take it or leave it. I’ve got a group of slack-jawed imbeciles to keep in line.”

Dan* grinned wide, “I understand, and I’m sure” —Dan* raised his voice—“your co-workers don’t mind being called, ‘slack-jawed imbeciles’.”

“It’s all good, brah!” Crunchy replied.

Chris shrugged, “You get used to it.”

“Yay! That’s one of the nicest things Dan’s ever said about me!” D.H. said.

Dan* looked out at Dan’s co-workers with surprise.

Dan grinned. “Nice try, buddy… Now, it’s been an insane amount of fun chatting with you, but I have a successful bakery to run.”

Dan* glowered at his unkempt double as the later made his way to the back of the bakery.

“Hey, Dan.” Wally called out from the office as Dan walked by. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”

Dan stopped and turned to Wally, “I don’t, I just have an obnoxious duplicate who’s latched onto me in a desperate attempt to suck all the life energy from my body.”

“Yeah…family members can be like that.” Wally agreed.

“WHAT?! No he’s not…” Dan smacked a palm against his face and dragged it downward. “Never mind, I’m just going to go into the kitchen and slave away making cupcakes and muffins for the day.”

“Alright Dan.” Wally responded. “Though, I thought you weren’t coming in until much later.”

“I’m covering for Pinkie.” Dan explained.

“Oh…oh my…oh my, that isn’t good…” Wally said as he raised a handkerchief and dabbed at his forehead. “So, she isn’t here then?”

“I just said I was covering for her, didn’t I?! Geez! Would it kill you to listen to me?!”

“It’s just… I’m not sure you’ve ever worked without her around… I’m a little worried for the customers…”  Wally admitted.

“Look! I got it all under control. Chris will keep me from doing anything that might get us sued or, more importantly, me arrested and I’m just going to stay in the back all day, anyway!” Dan insisted.

“Well…” Wally thought about this for a second, “…alright, if that’s what you want…anything I can do?”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, “go out there and savagely maul that guy that looks like me.”

“Uhhh…sure Dan…” Wally replied.

-oooooo-

 “…buns.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“It’s just that Dan makes really, really good cinnamon buns…”

“PINKIE!” Twilight cried out. “PLEASE! STOP! I’M BEGGING YOU!”

Pinkie grinned wide, “Just one more!”

Twilight furrowed her brow at the pink pony, “No more innuendos?”

Pinkie giggled, “in-your-end-o!”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at Pinkie. “Seriously, stop it.”

“Alright, alright…” Pinkie said, still grinning. “I promise there’sno way this next one could be mistaken for a euphemism.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, “Pinkie Pie promise?”

“Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Twilight nodded, “Alright Pinkie, go ahead.”

“What about…Dan’s rock-hard, throbbing co…”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PINKIE, I WILL PUT YOU ON MUTE!” Twilight threatened.

“WAIT!” Pinkie pleaded. “I’m sorry Twilight, I was just blowing off some steam after the whole having to talk to everypony when all I really wanted to do was talk to you!”

“Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?” Twilight said in an irritable tone.

“I tired! Oh, Celestia how I tried!”

“Tried what, my little pony?” Celestia asked as she poked her head out of the library back entrance.

“YOU SHUT THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW, OR I’LL CUT OFF YOUR HORN AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR…”

“PINKIE!” Twilight shouted.

“WHAT?!”

“That’s your princess you’re threatening!”

“I’M TRAPPED IN ANOTHER FREAKIN’ DIMENSION WHERE I’M NOW A DIFFERENT SPECIES THAN MY BOYFRIEND! I RAN OUT OF BUCKS TO GIVE A LONG TIME AGO!”

“It’s alright, Twilight,” Celestia assured. “Sounds like Pinkie’s having a rough day…”

Pinkie sighed, “The roughest.”

Celestia chuckled, “Not as rough as the toilet paper Twilight keeps, I’m guessing.”

Pinkie giggled, “Hehehe…I know! Who hates themselves enough to use three-ply?!”

Twilight’s eye twitched, and she slowly turned her head to face Celestia, looking at her former teacher with something that was a cross between a smile and a sneer. “Could you…give us a moment?”

Celestia nodded, “Of course, Twilight! I’ll even make sure no one disturbs you out here.”

“Oh, thank you Celestia!” Pinkie cried.

“You’re welcome, Pinkie.” Celestia said. She pulled head back into the library and closed the door behind her.

“Okay…so…could you please explain the problem with you and Dan being different species?” Twilight asked.

“Wait…you mean after all the naughty named food items I listed out, you still can’t figure it out?”

“Figure what out?!” Twilight said as the frustration in her voice increased.

“Uh…Twilight? I know you know this, but Dan and I well…we get intimate with each other…like… a lot.”

Twilight winced, “Yes, I was privy to that information.”

“Well, being different species…you know…might kill that aspect of the relationship.”

“That’s the part I don’t get!” Twilight replied.

“…You’re serious...?” Pinkie asked in disbelief.

“Well I mean…you’re both still mammals, I don’t see what the fuss is all about.”

“REALLY?!” Pinkie squeaked out. She scrunched her brow together while glancing up towards the corner of her eyes and gave this some thought.

Wait…Twilight started crushing on Flash’s human counterpart like…within a dayof being human…

“Geez, Twilight…” Pinkie said, furrowing her brow at the Purple alicorn, “…and you think it’s me who has boundary problems.”

“What?! You’re both sapient creatures capable of communicating with each other and consenting adults! I don’t see the problem.”

“Oh gosh, Twilight…don’t tell me I’m the straight pony here! PLEASE DON’T TELL ME I’M STRAIGHT PONY! THE UNIVERSE ISN’T READY TO HAVE PINKIE PIE AS STRAIGHT PONY!”

“Uhg…look,” Twilight began, “I’ll just take your word that this is a problem. What do you need for me?”

“I need you to change me back into a human!” Pinkie said, placing her forehooves together and holding them under her chin.

“Oh…well…” Twilight pondered this, “…that should be possible…theoretically…” Twilight said.

Pinkie’s expression sung into the deep, black, depths of despair, “Theoretically?!”

“Pinkie, I didn’t even know humans were a thing until I made my own trip!” Twilight said. “I also spent weeks pouring over all kinds of books trying to figure out ways to get you back, and I couldn’t find out anything about humans!”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide and her lips quivered. “But…but…you can transform things into other things!” she pouted.

“Transforming something into an orange is way easier than transforming a pony into something there isn’t even a spell for!” Twilight insisted.

“But…you can make a new spell!” Pinkie insisted. “Please, Twilight! I’m really desperate here! I can’t leave the apartment unless I’m going to sneak around, and Dan’s been just incredibly-super-nicey-nice pants to me since we got back, but I’m sure he’s secretly disappointed that his girlfriend is now a pony!”

-ooo-

Dan sighed to himself as he absentmindedly stirred a mixing bowl full of batter.

Uhg…It’s stilltoo quiet…way too quiet…I wish Pinkie could be here…

…If Pinkie is still a pony when I get back…

…I think I might just lose it…

Yeah…

I’m just going to break down and start stroking the heck out of that cute, curly mane of hers…

…

…Wow, am I in deep…

…I wonder if Pinkie would let me brush her tail?

-ooo-

“Alright Pinkie,” Twilight said, “I see how important this is to you. All the princesses are here. I’m sure I can get them to send out messengers to fetch every book, scroll, and spell on transmogrification, then I’ll just find a quiet place in the library to…”

‘wub-wub-wub-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-CHOOOOO…PHSSSS-TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH…’

Pinkie and Twilight turned to the library as the sounds of dubstep drops shook the entire treehouse.

“…or uh…somewhere else entirely.”

Pinkie nodded, “That’s probably a good idea…”

“And Pinkie?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

“TRY to keep it together while I figure this out, alright?”

Pinkie shuttered slightly, “No promises…”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 76: Dan Vs. Work

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 76: Dan Vs. Work-ooooooo-

Dan turned his head slightly and glanced out of the corner of his eyes as he continued mixing a bowl of bright blue frosting in front of him. “Running low on something?” he asked the figure behind him.

“Actually, no,” Chris answered. “Since you’ve done nothing but stay in the kitchen all day and bake, we’re actually pretty ahead of demand. If anything you should come out and help me keep an eye on Crunchy and D.H.”

Dan paused, setting down his mixing bowl and grabbing a cloth off the counter. He wiped the cloth over his hands briefly and turned, exposing his frosting smeared apron as he leaning his back against the kitchen counter.

“Cripple!  Cross-eyed-girl!” He called out as he rested his elbows on the counter.

“Yes, sir?” Crunchy said walking into the kitchen.

“You need something, Dan?” D.H. asked in a chipper tone.

“Stop being so stupid,” Dan commanded.

“Aye, aye, sir!” Crunchy said with a salute.

D.H. nodded, “I’ll get on it right away, Dan!”

Dan nodded. “Now…be gone!” he said with a dismissive wave.

The two bakery works retreated back out of the kitchen.

Dan looked at Chris and motioned to the now empty kitchen entrance, “See, I’ve got it covered.”

“Dan, you really shouldn’t spend all day in the kitchen,” Chris insisted. “That guy wants to get under your skin like this.”

Dan shook his head, “No Chris, no. What he wants is to ruin me, utterly and completely. He wants me to slip up, do something that’ll stick in a court of law or at least get me fired. Something to wreck this sweet gig I have of getting paid to yell at people.”

“That seems a bit extreme,” Chris commented.

Dan raised an eyebrow, “Does it? Then why is he here? Why is he spending his whole day just hanging out at a bakery when he could be feeding kittens or visiting stray homeless people like he’s so fond of doing?”

“Uh, people watching?” Chris suggested.

Dan shook his head, “He can do that anywhere! But for some reason, he’s set up shop here! And all because he’s jealous!”

Chris knitted his brow, “Now why would he be jealous of you?”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Geez you’re laying the idiot routine on thick today.” Dan turned a fist up and started listing off reasons on his fingers, “I’ve got a decent job, a well furnished apartment, a bunch of-elch-friends, and most importantly, an adorable girlfriend who can’t get enough of me.”

Chris glanced to the side and rubbed his chin considering this, “That’s actually something of a point…”

Wow, did Pinkie manage to turn Dan’s life around in a hurry…

“…still, that guy is really resourceful and determined. I mean…he could get those things if he wanted, I’m sure…”

Dan scrunched his brow and pondered this, “Okay, maybe it’s not jealousy, pair see,” Dan replied looking back at Chris.

“It’s, ‘per se’, Dan.” Chris corrected.

“Chris! This is no time for a ridiculous lesson in French! Look, that guy out there had me pegged for a bitter shut-in who wouldn’t be missed if he just stepped into my place, and I got the better of him.”

“Yeah, but then he got the better of you…” Chris pointed out.

“He wasted thousands of dollars to send me to jail for six weeks, big whoop,” Dan replied as he folded his arm. “He’s clearly obsessed with me! I’m sure the only thing that’s kept him smiling at night was the idea that he had so much more than me, and Pinkie shattered that dream like so much body through plate glass window.”

“Dan, that seems really convoluted and farfetched.”

“Does it Chris? Even if I were to buy into the idea of subjecting oneself to the mind-numbingly horrible torture of ‘people watching’,” Dan said while air-quoting, “Why would he willingly seek me out? Pinkie threw him out a window without a second thought…minus the part where she remembered how awesome it was to throw him out a window, of course…and he’s back knowing in all likelihood he’d get a second helping? Tell me that’s not crazy.”

“Well…” Chris paused.

Maybe Dan’s right… Maybe this guy is a tad obsessed. It’s not like he has anything to gain from being here, and if Pinkie was herehe’d probably be at the hospital by now…or the morgue…

Uh…assuming they’d even find his body.

“Alright Dan, maybe you’re right,” Chris admitted.

Dan rolled his eyes, “I’m always right.”

“That doesn’t mean you need to hide in the kitchen all day.”

“You’re right, Chris! I should go out there and threaten my underlings and some customers with violence, play right into that psycho’s hand!” Dan said sarcastically.

It was Chris’s turn to roll his eyes, “What like every other day here?”

Dan began to protest, “HEY! I…” he paused and knitted his brow together, cupping a hand over his chin and staring at the floor, “…Chris you’re a genius!”

“I am?” Chris asked.

Dan’s never said that to me before…

“Don’t let it get to your head, you’re also a moron,” Dan added.

Chris sighed.

Aaand there we go…

Dan walked towards the kitchen entrance and stared out into the dining room area. He scanned the room full of regular customers happily stuffing their faces with baked goods and grinned evilly. “His one mistake was assuming this place operates under societies rules… Well, before Pinkie and I came here the busiest this place got was when some idiot needed directions.” Dan steepled his fingers and picked out his double from the crowd.

Dan* absentmindedly munched on a muffin as he lounged at his table that sat in front of one of the bakery’s windows.

“WE made this place, this is our bakery. Pinkie and I cobbled together this system out of all natural ingredients and sheer madness and we’ve kept it afloat this long. If he thinks he can just walk right in here and use logic to take us down, he’s in for a rude awakening.” Dan’s grin suddenly grew wider and eviler. “Pinkie and I cut open logic’s chest and pulled out its still beating heart on the sacrificial altar the day we started, looks like someone wants to be next in line…”

Chris paused, “I’m suddenly wondering why I’m working here in the first place…”

Dan glanced behind him at his tall friend and cocked an eyebrow, “You were pretty much a perpetually unemployed loser who was always mooching off his wife until Pinkie and I took pity on you.”

Chris sighed, “Oh, right…”

“GIRLS-WHOSE-NAME-I-DON’T-KNOW!” Dan called out.

“Yes, Dan?” D.H. asked poking her head into the kitchen.

“Do you have any extra socks?” Dan asked.

D.H. gave Dan a crooked smile, “Of course! I always bring extra when I come to work!”

“Could you be a semi-capable minion and get a pair for me?” Dan asked sweetly.

“Aye, aye, Dan!” D.H. said with a salute, once again disappearing out of the kitchen.

Chris gave Dan a look of equal parts perplexity and concern, “Don’t tell me you’re going to poke the bear, here?”

Dan smiled, “The bear just walked into my ballpark. Up until now, I’ve been content to let him stop and smell the roses. Time I fired a few warning shots.”

Chris paused, “Wow…there were like…three mixed metaphors in there…I don’t even know where to begin…”

“Here Dan!” D.H. said sweetly as she reentered the kitchen and handed Dan a large sock.

“Thanks, Crossy…” Dan examined the sock he was handed carefully. “Uh…this looks pretty big to be one of yours…” Dan commented, glancing down at D.H.’s dainty feet.

“Oh! That’s because it isn’t mine! Yeah, I’m not sure where that came from…” D.H. admitted.

“EEEEW!” Dan cried, recoiling and dropping the sock.

-ooooooo-

“Have you found anything yet?!” Pinkie asked impatiently as she stared at the purple alicorn on the other end of the mirror.

Twilight had grabbed what she could from the library and was now holed up in Fluttershy’s Cottage, a much quieter location than the now pony filled library. She glanced up from the dozens of books and scrolls spread out in front of her.  “Pinkie, you’ll have to be patient! It’ll take time for anything to arrive from the other libraries! I’m just going over what I already have!”

“I’m sorry, Twilight,” Pinkie said. “I think I’m coming down with a case of Cabin fever!” she declared as she held a forearm against her forehead.

“Pinkie, cabin fever isn’t an actual disease,” Twilight said irritably, “it’s a claustrophobic reaction to being inside for too long…and it usually takes more than just a few hours to set in.”

“Oh no!” Pinkie cried, “That must mean I have some super-duper-virus version of cabin fever!”

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh.

“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie shrieked as her eyes wildly darted from side to side. “THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN ON ME, AND I KEEP HEARING THIS ANGRY HISSING SOUND!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “That’s Mr. Mumbles. She’s still fighting with Princess Celestia, remember?”

“Oh…” Pinkie trotted over to the bedroom door and opened it.

“RORRROW! HISS!”

“HUSSY!”

“HISSSSSSSSS! MERRROW!”

“TRAMP!”

“MERROWRROWRROWRROW!”

“INSURANCE SALESMAN!”

Pinkie closed the door, “…right.”

Twilight went back to pouring over the spells in front of her as Pinkie trotted back in front of the mirror and stared out at her friend.

“…”

“…So, find anything yet?” Pinkie asked.

“NO!” Twilight shouted. “Look! I have a spell here that will turn you into a minotaur! Do you want to be a minotaur?!”

Pinkie pondered this while tapping a forehoof against her chin, “Well, that’s half-way there. Sure, give it a shot.”

Twilight glared at her pink pony friend as her horn glowed with a purple light. A beam of magical energy shot from it and into the mirror in front of her. Soon, Pinkie’s own ornate mirror was glowing brightly as the beam exited on the other end and slammed into her.

Pinkie felt her entire body expand. Her back legs grew another foo, her torso stretched up and out, her forelegs changed to arms and hands as an utter appeared on her abdomen. Her head shot up higher and higher as large horns emerged from behind her ears and.

‘CRUNCH!’

Pinkie glanced up to see the ceiling was merely several inches above her eyes, and her horns and top of her head had smashed right through it.

“CHANGE ME BACK! CHANGE ME BACK! CHANGE ME BACK!” Pinkie cried in a panicked tone.

“Uh…oh…” A purple glow surrounded the books in front of her as Twilight began frantically flipping pages of books. “REVERSE SPELL! Got it!”

With another purple blast of energy through the mirror, Pinkie was returned to her pink pony self.

Pinkie sighed as her tail began twitching, she didn’t even bother to move as pink insulation rained down upon her in giant clumps from the ceiling above.

“The landlord is not going to be happy about this…” Pinkie mused.

-ooooooo-

“Ah, there you are!” Dan* said smiling happily as Dan walked up to his table. “I was wondering if you’d ever poke your head out of the kitchen.”

“What can I say,” Dan said happily, “I’m a man devoted to the craft.”

“On that note, I was just about to say that these are some of the most delicious cupcakes and muffins I’ve ever had.”

“Aren’t they though?” Dan said with a grin. “Since you’re enjoying them so much, I’ve decided to give you a batch for free!”

Dan* chuckled, “Hehe…There wouldn’t happen to be anything out of the ordinary about this batch, now would there?” he asked with a knowing smile.

Dan grinned, “Now why would I need to do anything out of the ordinary with our baked goods?”

Dan*’s smile dropped slightly as he processed Dan’s ominous turn of phrase, “Hmmm, why indeed?”

“Hey, Dan!” D.H. called out in a chipper tone as she held a tray of bright red cupcakes overhead and Dan and his bandaged double, “I got those cupcakes just like you as-WHAAAA! LOOK OUT!” D.H. cried as she tripped over her own feet.

Dan grinned as the bright red cupcakes flew into him and his doppelganger. Each impact exploding into a brilliant spray of bright red frosting. Several hit Dan’s body and one hit the side of his face. Dan*’s expression turned surprised as a cupcake smashed into his chest and another into his right eye.

“Sorry, Dan!” D.H. cried.

“Oh, that’s alright,” Dan said calmly as he picked cupcakes off himself, “you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“…I didn’t?!” D.H. asked, her expression turning more confused than usual.

 “Ulg, really Dan…” Dan* began as he picked the cupcake off his chest, “hitting a customer with cupcakes. I’m not sure if…” he paused as his face began to flush red. “What is…what is in these?!”

“Oh! Those are our special spicy cupcakes!” D.H. answered sweetly.

Dan* slowly removed the cupcake from his eye. Tears streamed down his face. “Spa…spicy cupcakes?”

“Yep! People can’t seem to get enough of them!” she replied.

Dan* shut his right eye as it twitched with burning, hot pain and scanned the dining area with his left. Many of the customers sported bright red faces and tear filled eyes as they happily chowed down on the bright red baked goods.

“Let’s see…” D.H. said, “I hit you with two so that’s a dozen more special spicy cupcakes!”

Dan* frantically wiped spicy, red hot frosting off his face. “Why the heck would I want a clumsy girl like you to bring me more of these awful things?!”

D.H. pouted, “I’m sorry, mister… I don’t know what went wrong.”

Dan* looked up at D.H. with a glare.

“HEY!” Someone in the crowd shouted. “This guy’s complaining about free cupcakes!”

“AND HE’S PICKING ON THE CUTE WAITRESS!” Another cried.

Dan* looked about the crowd with a surprised, concerned expression. Many people were staring at him with irritated and angry expressions.

“LET’S KICK HIM UNTIL HE STOPS MOVING!”

Dan* expression turned to frightful as he attempted to push himself further into his chair in a vain attempt to distance himself from the angry onlookers. Chairs began to slide as angry eyes homed in on him.

Much to Dan*’s surprise, Dan stood in between him and the approaching crowd of angry bakery patrons.

“Now, now,” Dan began, “he’s new here and doesn’t quite get how everything works. I’m sure he won’t cause any more trouble,” he said, glancing back at Dan* with a large grin.

The mob paused and slowly returned to their seats, sliding chairs back into place.

“Wow! Dan’s such a nice guy!” someone exclaimed.

“Let’s all talk about how great Dan is!” someone added.

Dan*’s eyes shot open and he gaped at Dan who looked back with wide, wild eyes and a giant smirk.

“So, you’ll be having those free cupcakes, then?” Dan asked.

“Uh…sure…” Dan* replied.

Like I have a choice…

Dan grinned and turned to the front counter, “Hey! Monkey-face! Get a box of special spicy cupcakes, will ya?”

“Sure, Dan,” Chris replied as he walked back into the kitchen.

“Monkey-face? Really?” Dan* asked as he stared up at the still smiling Dan.

“NOW HE’S MAKING FUN OF DAN’S GREAT PET NAMES!” someone cried.

Dan*’s frightened expression returned as he pensively interlaced his fingers. “Uh…Monkey-face, cute…” He uttered.

Chris walked up with a closed bakery box and sat it on the table.

Dan* eyed the box suspiciously before opening it. “Oh, look…an entire giant sock,” he said as he lifted the lid off the box. “Looks like the health department is going to need to pay this place a visit,” he said. To his surprise it wasn’t anger or worry that entered Dan’s face. Instead, Dan looked back at him with wild, malicious looking eyes and a Cheshire cat grin.

“HEY EVERYONE!” A voice called out. “NOW THAT GUY IS TRYING TO WRECK THE SWEET SOCK SYSTEM WE HAVE GOING HERE!”

“BUT FINDING CLOTHES IN MY MUFFINS IS ONE OF MY GREATEST JOYS IN LIFE!” another cried.

Once again, the sounds of chairs sliding away from tables was heard as dozens of bakery customers stood to their feet and approached the small corner table.

Dan* looked up at Dan with scared pleading eyes.

Dan shook his head, “Sorry buddy, the mob as spoken.” Dan stood aside as a horde of angry bakery patrons surrounded the on the table.

“WAIT!” Dan* cried. “Can’t we talk about this?!” he pleaded as he darted frantic looking eyes over the crowd as it eclipsed the florescent lights of the bakery.

“HE’S AN ENEMY TO FREE FOOD EVERYWHERE! GET HIM!”

With that, the angry mob descended upon Dan*, wrapping angry, tensed fingers around his limbs and dragging him out of his seat.

“NO! OUCH! THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY! OW! I HAD AN INCH OF GLASS PULLED OUT FROM THERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Dan watched with malevolent glee as the crowd mercilessly punched, kicked, and pummeled his double.

“Dan,” Chris cried as he run up to the scene of violence, “we’ve got to do something!”

“Counterpoint,” Dan replied, “no we don’t.”

Chris sighed and shook his head, “I’ll just go back to the register…”

Dan nodded, “You do that…”

Soon, the mass of men and women took the bruised and beaten man towards the entrance of the bakery and hurled his limp body into the air. Dan* made a pained grunt as he once again became close friends the asphalt of a parking lot for the second time in as many days.

“And STAY out!” A mustached man in a trucker cap yelled before returning to the bakery.

Dan* raised a trembling hand up to his forehead and turned to the bakery entrance. His vision slowly came into focus as the world around him ceased its painful spinning.

Dan stood in the doorway, regarding his double with the same, malicious eyes as before and a smug grin of satisfaction.

“Cough…cough…You know I won’t let you get away with this…” Dan* uttered through clenched teeth.

Dan just smiled, “You know where to find me when you’re ready for round three~!” he sang out, turning and walking back into the bakery with a wave.

Dan* glared out at the short man and winced as he put his hand into his pocket. He pulled out a white, rectangular smartphone and hit the screen a few times.

“Hello, L.A. P.D.?” he said into the phone. “I’d like to report a crime…”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 77 Pinkie Vs. Impatience

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 77 Pinkie Vs. Impatience-ooooooo-

“Twilight, ‘sup?” Spike asked as he walked into the cottage and waved a claw about, an armful of scrolls under the other.

Behind the purple dragon walked Fluttershy, who strained under the weight of brown saddlebags loaded with books and scrolls.

“Huff…Hi…puff…Twilight…How’s”--Fluttershy collapsed to the ground, her weighty saddlebags pinning her to the floor-- “it going?”

Twilight shook her head, “Not good.” Twilight’s horn glowed purple and she began to levitate books and scrolls out of Fluttershy’s saddlebags, “I’m still not coming up with anything, and Pinkie’s getting so impatient that she’s begun to climb the walls.”

“Oh my,” Fluttershy uttered as she trotted up to the mirror, “is the poor dear starting to pace the room and chew on her hooves? That’s what I do when I get anxious…”

Twilight sighed, “If only. I meant that she’s literally climbing up the walls,” Twilight said as she motioned to the mirror in front of her.

Spike unceremoniously dumped his armful of scrolls on the floor and walked over to the two mares.

The three peered through the ornate mirror into the bedroom on the other side. There was a fresh hole in the ceiling and a pile of pink insulation on the ground. However, both paled in comparison to the pink pony with plungers on the end of her legs who was busily walking vertically up a wall and onto the ceiling.

“Hey everypony!” Pinkie said as she waved a plunger about. Her long pink tail dangled behind her, yet her mane barely shifted as if it scarcely noticed gravity’s pull.

“Erm…Hi…Pinkie…” Fluttershy said as she looked up at the pink mare.

“Uh, Hey Pinkie,” Spike said cheerfully, “what’s up?”

Pinkie giggled, “Teehee…ME!” Pinkie turned her head around 180 degrees with a loud, ‘Crack!’ and grinned wide. Her bloodshot eyes opened wide, betraying a hint of madness.

One of Spike’s eyes twitched as he cringed.

Fluttershy covered her eyes with her forehooves, “Pinkie! You’re scaring me!”

Twilight started floating the new sets of books and scrolls over to her began scanning them with her eyes, a bored expression on her face. “Try dealing with it for a few hours…” she muttered.

“Scaring you?” Pinkie asked. “Silly Fluttershy, I haven’t turned into a crazy fly monster that walks on the ceiling! I mean… I did, but Twilight changed me back!”

Fluttershy uncovered her eyes and looked at Twilight with a frightened expression as Spike narrowed his own eyes and also shot the purple alicorn a look.

“What?!” Twilight protested. “I’m trying to figure out a new spell! There’s bound to be a few hiccups!”

“Yeah, but a crazy fly monster?!” Spike replied.

“It had arms!” Twilight shot back.

Pinkie managed to widen her crazed eyes even more, “Six of them!”

Fluttershy suddenly stood on her black legs, holding her forehooves over her mouth. Her cheeks puffed out as she uttered a wet, gurgling sound and made a mad dash for the bathroom.

Spike cringed at the sound of the yellow pegasus losing her lunch.

“Huh, wonder what’s wrong with her…” Pinkie said.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s a mystery, alright” she said sarcastically.

“Uh, Pinkie? Do you think you can fix your head?” Spike asked.

“More qualified ponies than me have tried,” Pinkie explained. “Most of them run screaming out of the room after about fifteen minutes…”

“I’m beginning to understand why you and Dan are a couple…” Twilight said without looking up from her books.

“Awww, thanks Twilight!” Pinkie replied.

“I meant physically,” Spike said.

“Huh?” Pinkie said. She looked up, or down rather and noticed she was staring at the floor. “Oops…heehee, silly me!” Pinkie detached her front plungers from the ceiling and placed them against the sides of her head, one pulled up at an eye lid and the other pulled down at her lip, increasing her already deranged look. With a twist and another, ‘Crack!’ the pink ponies head was once again right-side-upside-down.

“Better?” Pinkie asked through clenched teeth, her plungers still pulling at the corners of her face.

“Uh…sure?” The purple dragon offered with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

Pinkie’s tail suddenly began twitching wildly behind her, she craned her neck behind her at an uncomfortable looking angle with yet another, ‘Crack!’

Spike pulled his lips and an eyelid to the left side of his face as he witnessed Pinkie’s unnatural looking state.

“Uh-oh…” Pinkie uttered.

Pinkie’s back plungers strained and gave way causing the mare to full neck-first into the heap of pink insulation.

A pair of eyes suddenly flew open from within the mound, Pinkie practically perfectly blending in with the pink pile of padding.

“Where’d you get all those from, anyways?” Spike asked.

Pinkie poked her head out of the pile. “Oh, these?” she asked, holding aloft a plunger tipped appendage, “I picked them up from the store just a bit ago.”

Twilight looked up with a look of concern on her face, “I was wondering where you had wandered off to…You actually went outside in broad daylight?!”

Pinkie waved a dismissive plunger about, “Don’t worry, Twilight! Months of hiding from the police, F.B.I., and the Association of Home Builders has made me an extra, super-sneaky Pinkie Pie!”

“Uh… is it safe to come back out now?” Fluttershy asked from the bathroom.

“Don’t worry!” Spike replied. “Pinkie is back to norm-I mean, Pinkie Pie!”

“Okay… but you didn’t steal those plungers, did you?” Twilight asked.

“Oh my!” Fluttershy exclaimed as she trotted back in front of the mirror.

“D’uh, I left a note and money!” Pinkie replied. She grinned mischievously to herself and wrung her front plungers together, “I even used the purple glitter ink so the people at the store wouldn’t think it was me…” Her expression softened as she looked back at the mares and dragon, “I mean… I don’t want everyone to think I’m some sort of weirdo…”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “No, of course not.”

Spike cocked an eyebrow at Twilight.

“Oh…uh…Did you still dot all your ‘i’s with hearts?” Fluttershy asked.

Pinkie’s eyes shot open wide, she let out a frustrated, “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” before smashing a plunger against her face.

“…”

“Pinkie,” Spike began, “are you stuck?”

Pinkie nodded her plunger affixed face up and down.

“Aaaaand Pinkie does something stupid. Surprise, surprise,” Twilight said as she flipped a page in the book in front of her.

Fluttershy gasped, “Twilight!”

“Uh, Twilight? Don’t you think you’re being just a tad mean, here?” Spike asked.

Twilight sighed, “Sorry, Pinkie.”

“Wiwffs wwoafffay…” Pinkie said, her voice muffled by the red plunger in front of it.

“I’ve just been at this for hours and it’s nothing but dead ends and multi-limbed horrors from the twisted minds of wizard ponies!” Twilight exclaimed. Her eyes glazed over as a deep frown set itself in her face, “Pinkie was just a giant tongue with limbs made out of other, smaller tongues for a bit there…”

-ooooooo-<

“Twilight! I can taste everything!” Pinkie, now a monstrosity of moist muscle, said.

Twilight cringed, “Didn’t need to know that, Pinkie…”

 “Dan and I should really shampoo the carpets more often…or at all.”

“I think I’m…”

<-ooooooo->

“…going to be sick…” Fluttershy moaned as she once again galloped for her bathroom.

“That’s what I said!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Uh…maybe you two should take a break!” Spike suggested. “You can get your mind off spells and unspeakable horrors for a bit,” he said to Twilight cheerfully, “and you can get that plunger off your face,” he said to Pinkie.

“Fwats wwa gwwaeff iffea, Sfwife!” Pinkie said from behind her plunger.

“What?” Spike replied.

Pinkie removed the plunger from her face, “I said, ‘That’s a great idea, Spike!”

Spike sighed, “Well it was, until…”

Her sentence clarified, Pinkie returned the plunger to her face, “Waf whaf, Sfwife?”

Spike crossed his arms and rolled his eyes, “Never mind…”

-ooooooo-

“Right this way, officers!” Dan* said as he threw open the door to the bakery wide and stepped back into the dining area.

Bakery patrons glared angrily at the bruised and battered man, but averted their gaze as two cops in blue uniforms entered the bakery behind him. One cop sported a long nose and a bushy mustache, the other was clean shaven with a muscular frame and a chiseled jaw.

“Don’t worry officers,” Dan* said as he looked over the crowd and wrung his hands together. “I can identify dozens of the perpetrators, and… Hey, where are you going?”

The two cops walked pass Dan* on their way to Dan and Chris who were stationed behind the register.

Chris’s eyes shot open wide and he began to sweat profusely as the two police officers approached. “Make a break for it, buddy,” Chris whispered to Dan, “I’ll stall them…”

Dan glanced up at his tall friend, “While I always appreciate unsolicited offers to distract authority figures, why would I run?” Dan asked as he held a palm up, “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I…uh…” Chris paused and thought about this, “I guess you haven’t.”

“Afternoon, Dan,” the mustached cop said with a bit of an Irish accent.

“Hey, Dan,” the other officer said simply with a nod.

“Good afternoon, gentlemen, what can I do for you?”

“That’s him!” Dan* said as he pointed an accusing finger at Dan. “He’s the ringleader!”

“Me?” Dan said motioning to himself. “If you recall, I tried to stop them!” he insisted.

Dan* narrowed his eyes at his double.

“Eh, stop ‘what’ Dan?” The mustached cop asked as he touched his nose and smiled at Dan.

“Ahhh…I get you…” Dan replied with a wink.

“What?!” Dan* cried. “No! Stop it! Stop doing that!”

Dan grinned without so much as acknowledging his clean shaven counterparts protests. “So, officers, what’ll it be?” he asked.

“Let’s see, two crazy nut muffins, a chocolate muffin, and a cherry muffin,” the mustached cop said.

Dan elbowed Chris, “Monkey-face, pick out some freshly baked muffins for our boys in blue here.”

Chris raised an eyebrow, “Are you sure…?”

Dan furrowed his brow at Chris, “Who is assistant manager here?”

Chris sighed, “Alright, Dan…”

Dan* glared at the cops, “Aren’t you two forgetting something.”

The muscular cup snapped his fingers, “Oh! Right…two cups of coffee, please.”

“But, of course,” Dan replied with a smile.

Dan*’s eyes shot open wide in disbelief and he smacked a palm against his face.

Chris returned with four muffins, two of them quite clearly having had socks baked into them.

The cops eyes widened as Chris handed them the clearly clothes occupied muffins.

Dan* grinned, “Problem officers?” He ventured a quick glance at Dan, to Dan*’s great surprise, Dan was grinning as well.

“Yer darn right there’s a problem,” the mustached police officer replied, “we can’t eat two dozen muffins and cupcakes on our own!”

“Oh, the guys at the precinct are going to love this!” the muscular cop added happily.

“WHAT?!” Dan* cried. “But…but… youcan’t serve baked goods with items in them!” he protested motioning out to the offending items. “And you certainly can’t spin finding clothes as a way to win free food!”

Suddenly, the entire bakery went deadly quiet.

Dan* gulped and scanned the room. He noticed that he was once again the center of attention, and none of it was good.

“This lowlife bugging you, Dan?” the muscular cop asked, pointing behind his shoulder at Dan* with a thumb.

Dan’s eyes widened and he placed and index finger against his cheek. “You know, as a matter of fact he has been causing a disturbance at the bakery all day,” he said, as if only now coming to this realization.

The police officer with a mustache nodded, “Alright Dan, some police brutality oughta fix his little red wagon.”

“Wait, wha…NO STOP!” Dan* cried as the cops turned and looped their arms under his, dragging the already injured man towards the bakery entrance.

“Come along, now,” the mustached cop said, “we don’t want to get blood all over the nice bakery.”

Bakery patrons began to break out into cheers and applause as Dan* kicked his legs up and down and struggled in vain against the cop’s hold on him.

Dan* focused a red hot gaze of absolute hate in Dan’s direction, “THIS ISN’T OVER! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I’M JUST GETTING STARTED! I’LL BE BACK!”

Dan merely waved, “Alright, well… you know where to find me!” he said cheerfully.

“Dan, I think you oughta quit while you’re ahead,” Chris suggested.

“But I’m not doing anything!” Dan insisted in a slightly irritated tone of voice.

“…Uh…I guess you aren’t…” Chris replied. “Still, that guys not going to quit.”

“Good!” Dan replied, “I wish all my enemies would just come and seek vengeance on me in places where I rule supreme.”

“Seriously though,” Chris said, “he’s just going to keep coming at you, again and again.”

Dan shrugged, “He has to die at some point,” he pointed out. He smiled evilly as the sounds of pained screams were heard from the bakery parking lot, “Oooo, they broke out the tazer…remind me to throw in an extra couple muffins for them.”

“Look, all I’m saying is maybe there’s something we can do that’ll make this guy leave you alone.”

“Geez, Mr. Overkill,” Dan replied, “why would I need to murder him?! He’s doing a perfectly good job of doing that on his own!”

“That’s not what…”

“Besides, he should be so lucky Pinkie lacks the opposable digits right now to operate a bone saw, or he’d be dead already.”

Chris knitted his brow as he attempted to process what Dan said, “…Wait? What?!”

“Nothing, shut up,” Dan responded. “Speaking of my adorable, little pon-I MEAN-girlfriend, I wonder what cute mischief she’s getting into now...”

-ooooooo-

Pinkie Pie stared at the television remote, her eyes twitched as the crinkle in her brow began to intensify. She focused an angry, hateful gaze on the device and it’s dozens of tiny buttons, each one taunting her with its size and the impossibility that her hooves could work the device.

“That’s it,” Pinkie said trotting off, “I’m getting my crowbar.”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 78: Dan Vs. Challenge

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 78: Dan Vs. Challenge-ooooooo-

As the California sun continued to descend in the late afternoon sky. A short, black-haired, bearded man slowly pushed open the door to Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins and hobbled in on brown, gnarled cane. He adjusted his red bow-tie and smoothed out his a brown suit as he got in line, patiently waiting until it was his turn at the counter.

“Afternoon, sir!” Dan greeted with uncharacteristic cheeriness as the bearded man approached the register. He leaned his arm on the register and smiled at the bakery patron, “What can I get for you?”

“Oh you know…the usual.” The man narrowed his blue eyes at Dan and grinned wickedly, “Vengeance.”

“YOU!” Dan cried pointing an accusatory finger at the bearded man.

“Hey, uh… Dan…” Chris said as he spotted the man with the cane, “Nice disguise.”

“Thanks, Chris,” Dan* replied, “I needed something to go with all the painful bruises and cracked ribs. I thought the hobbled old man look would work perfectly.”

Chris nodded, “Definitely a smart choice there.”

“Chris! Stop being so nice to the guy!  Ever since we saw him he’s done nothing but…uh…”

Dan* cocked an eyebrow, “Get pummeled mercilessly and violently thrown out of places?”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Sure, play the victim here! Those where all things you could have avoided.”

“Uh…except the first time he was thrown out,” Chris pointed out, “Pinkie didn’t give him much of a choice.”

“There you go reminding me she’s not here, again!” Dan said. “Greeeat, now I’m lonely with absolutely no one I actually like to keep my company…”

Chris folded his arms, “It’s been nice spending the day with you two, Dan.”

Dan’s eyes widened slightly, “Oops, sorry buddy, present company excluded…” he replied.

Chris’s expression went from irritated to shocked as if the tall man had just been electrocuted. “…Dan did you just retract something mean you said about me?” he asked.

“Yeah, sorry buddy. Kinda having an off day without Pinkie around,” Dan said.

D.H. approached the group from behind the counter. “Does that mean you don’t like me?” She asked as she puffed out a quivering lower lip and fire a double shot of watery, crooked, puppy dog eyes at Dan.

“Alright, fine,” Dan sighed out. “I may find your absolute patheticness oddly charming,” he said as he waved a hand in D.H.’s direction.

“Yay! I’m pathetic!” D.H. cried as she threw her arms into the air triumphantly.

“What about me, boss man?” Crunchy asked as he approached the counter from the dining room area.

“…You’re tolerable,” Dan said, “provided you’re not talking about hippy garbage,” he qualified.

Crunchy smiled, “I’ll take it, brah!”

Chris and Dan paused as they noticed a peculiar grinding sound. They both turned towards Dan’s disguised imposters and cocked an eyebrow.

“Dude, are you grinding your teeth?!” Dan asked.

“May-be,” Dan* said through gritted, grinding teeth.

Dan and Chris exchanged confused glances.

“Uh, look, buddy I get you have this really creepy grudge obsession with me,” Dan began, “but if you haven’t noticed, walking right into the middle of the bakery and waiting for me to ‘slip up’ isn’t really paying off… you know… unless you’re trying to accumulate as many savage beat downs as possible in a single day. In which case, there are probably easier ways to go about it. Watching you get thrashed time and time again is starting to make me feel sorry for you,” Dan said as he tilted his wrists inwards to point to himself with his fingers, “and I hated you with every iota of my being at one point.”

Dan* narrowed his eyes at his apron wearing double, “You don’t get it, do you?”

Dan folded his arms, “You’re upset because you figured I was destined for a life of lonely misanthropy, but you soon discover that I have a steady, decent paying job, friends, an attractive, loyal girlfriend who will commit violent acts on my behalf, and most of all, that I accomplished all this without significantly altering my behavior or approach to…” Dan paused briefly and thought about this, “…well, pretty much anything.”

Dan* stared at Dan and blinked a few times, “Uh…”

Dan continued, throwing a glance towards the ceiling and holding a palm upwards, “Furthermore, to keep ahead in life, you have to constantly move from person to person, searching for and taking the place of any friendless shut-in who happens to look like you, and then proceed to play Mr. Nice Guy to a ridiculous degree just to make sure you have enough plausible deniability should your target decide to fight the hostile takeover of his life.”

Dan* scratched the back of his head, “Well… I mean…”

“In conclusion,” Dan said as he placed both hands on the counter and leaned forward, “the fact that a guy like me can accomplish so much while hardly lifting a finger and even force life to conform to my whims while you have to slave away just to get by drives you batty.” Dan held his hands up vertically and motioned them forward, “It’s infuriated you to the point where it’s rekindled your obsession with taking me down a peg as I’ve become the antithesis of everything you are, and am somehow doing really well for myself regardless. All of this is compounded by the fact that your attempts at running afoul of me seem to backfire more often than not, leaving yourself far, far in the red as for as the vengeance scoreboard is concerned.”

“Wow Dan,” Chris said, “I can’t believe you actually put together a theory that doesn’t involve aliens, monsters, or the supernatural and actually makes sense! But, remind me to get you a book on metaphors, or something…” he added.

Dan grinned and waved his hand dismissively, “No need, Chris. I’m like a shark!”

“…You have to keep moving?” Chris asked in a confused tone.

“No, you imbecile!” Dan replied in an irritated tone. “I have razor sharp teeth and when I bite, my victims often die of massive blood loss.”

“I…wait…are you talking metaphorically?” Chris asked as he raised an eyebrow.

“Chris,” Dan replied, “if you just stopped being stupid for five seconds, you’d see the answer clear as…”

“…Alright, maybe you do get it,” Dan* interrupted.

Dan turned back to his disguised double, “Get what? Oh right! You’re motives that keep you walking into here so you can get the tar kicked out of you.” He shrugged, “When you’ve been in the vengeance game as long as I have, you develop a nose for these things.”

Dan* narrowed his eyes at Dan and smirked, “Alright my delightfully insightful double, if you’ve figured out I’m hell-bent on ruining this life of yours, what’s to stop me from going to your apartment at Casa Paradisio and targeting that sweet girlfriend of yours?”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Because that wouldn’t prove anything. If you wanted to harm my property or the people I cared about directly, you would have done it already.” He refocused his eyes on his bearded double and pointed an index finger, “No, what you want is to prove my way of life can’t last and that all it takes is the slightest slip up from me and everything I have will fall apart so you can sleep nice and sound in your little bed and remind yourself that all the fake smiling and helping the needy you do is necessary,” he said in a mocking tone. “Especially if you don’t want to end up like me...erm… past me…” Dan qualified. “If you hurt Pinkie, you’ve only shown you can hurt me if you resort to depths even I’m above…” he held a palm up and leaned an arm on the counter, “Besides, she’s stronger and crazier than you… though you’re starting to bridge the gap in the latter category with all this stalking... Anyhow, best case scenario she beats you up and calls the cops, and that’s not exactly a likely Pinkie Pie reaction when she’s confronted by someone she has good reason to loath,” Dan said matter-of-factually.

To Dan’s and Chris’s surprise, Dan* smiled and began to softly golf clap, “Alright, you’ve impressed me. I guess I’ve spent so much time trying to get into your head, I didn’t realize you were doing the same.”

Dan raised an eyebrow, “Does this mean you give up?”

Dan* smile grew malicious and he tilted his head down, casting shadows over most his features, “Not at all.”

Dan sighed, “Look, I know this is unlike me, but I’m feeling pretty good about where things stand between us at the moment. I really think you should let this one go.”

Chris paused, “Dan, can you wait a second?”

“What is it, jerk-face?” Dan said as he glanced at Chris.

Chris reached into his pocket, pulled out his smartphone, and faced the back towards Dan, “I want to commemorate this event in case it never happens again.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Fine, but make sure you get my good side.”

“Look,” Dan* began, “all I want is one more chance, one more opportunity to prove you don’t have the restraint to pull off functional member of society behavior for an extended period of time and I’m gone.”

Dan regarded his double suspiciously, “Really? You want to try this failed routine of yours one more time, and if you fail I can go back to running a crazy, yet successful, bakery and getting mad snuggles on with my girlfriend without catching you following us around like a lost, angry marmoset?”

“…Seriously Dan,” Chris said holding up his palms in frustration, “would it havekilled you just to say ‘puppy’?”

Dan shot his friend a quick glare, “I hate dogs.” He turned back to Dan*, “What’s the catch?”

“No catch!” Dan* said holding up a hand. “As long as you don’t mind special requests.”

Dan knitted his brow and looked over Dan* suspiciously, “How special?”

“I want you to bake me a pie,” Dan* said.

“That’s it?” Dan asked in a surprised tone.

Dan* nodded, “Yep, and I’ll even pay you for your services, too.”

Dan grinned and extended a hand, “Alright, pal, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

Dan* smiled and took Dan’s hand, giving it a firm shake.

“One more thing,” Dan* said, smile still set on face.

Dan frowned, “Hey, no curve globes, buddy…”

Chris’s eye twitched, “It’s ‘curve balls’! How could you screw that up?!”

“Heh, don’t worry,” Dan* said holding up his hand, “I just hope you don’t mind a little critique when I’m done.”

Dan narrowed his eyes into tiny slits as he locked his green eyes on his double’s blue eyes. He stared long and hard, as if trying to view his counterpart’s motives by boring a hole into his double’s brain with his vision. “Fine…” he uttered out.

Dan turned and walked towards the kitchen, “Cross-eyed, Cripple, woman and man the register, respectively.”

D.H. and Crunchy saluted. “Aye, aye,” they said in unison.

Chris followed Dan, “Dan, are you sure this is a good idea.”

“…Seriously, you’re going to object to me making a pie?!” Dan said in a shocked tone.

“Well, no… it’s just…”

“Hi Dan,” Wally interrupted as he emerged from the bakery’s office, “why don’t you call it a day? You’ve been here since morning and I can handle things.”

“Can’t, pie challenge,” Dan answered.

Wally knitted his brow from behind his glasses, “Pie challenge?”

“Yes,” Dan replied, “I’ve been issued a pie challenge and I must make a pie if I want to live a life free of being stalked by a crazy lookalike.”

“Uh… okay Dan… but… have you ever made a pie?” Wally asked.

Dan opened his mouth and held up an index finger, then slowly closed it as his eyes drifted off to the side.

“THAT!” Chris said. “That’s why I was wondering if it’s a good idea.”

“Alright, so I hit a snag, I’ll figure it out…” Dan said as he rubbed a thumb and forefinger against his chin.

“Well… he didn’t say it had to be a good pie,” Chris pointed out. “There’s not like there’s anything on the line, here.”

“Uh, my prideas amaster baker?!” Dan replied.

“Dan, you’ve been working as a baker for about a month,” Chris said, “it’s hardly your most defining trait.”

“And that’s exactly what my evil double wants to prove! That I can’t hack it in this zebra eat zebra world of baked goods.”

“…Alright, now you’ve got to be doing it on purpose,” Chris said.

“Doing what, monkey?”

Chris sighed, “Never mind…look, why don’t you just quickly bake something, take your licks and move on?”

“Oh, and let that fiend know he’s better at me at something?!” Dan cried. “I won’t have it!” Dan said dramatically. “My victory over him will be complete he will rue the day he crossed paths with Dan… you know… as in me… me Dan.”

“Yeah, I got it…” Chris replied.

“Now, if you need me,” Dan said, continuing to walk towards the kitchen, “I’ll be baking my first pie, and it’ll be awesome!”

Wally sighed and nervously glanced out the window as the sun continued to lower in the sky. “You think this’ll be trouble?” he asked Chris.

“Well… the guy out there seems to be an expert at driving Dan crazy, so who knows what’ll happen.”

Wally pulled out a handkerchief and dabbed at his forehead, “I was afraid you’d say that…I better keep an eye on things. I just hope he wraps this up before it gets dark.”

“Huh? Why would that matter?” Chris asked.

“Uh…” Wally began to sweat profusely, “…nothing, no reason… just try to keep him out of trouble.”

Chris nodded, “Of course.”

-ooo-

A pink crowbar slammed against the blue, carpeted floor with a resounding, ‘Thump!’, inches away from a TV remote the bounced up and hit the ground again.

“HOWLD STWILL!” Pinkie cried, as she held the metal crowbar in her teeth and continued swinging her head up in down in attempt to end the offending item.

‘Thump!’

‘Thump!’

‘Thump!’

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“Uh…Pinkie…?” Twilight called out from the mirror in the bedroom. “Everything okay in there?!”

Pinkie spat the crowbar out of her mouth and snatched the remote in her forehooves. She zoomed into the bedroom and held the black, rectangular device up for Twilight to see, “HELP ME DESTROY THIS EVIL CREATION OF SCIENCE!”

From behind the books and scrolls scattered in a semicircle in front of her, Twilight cocked an eyebrow at her pink pony friend, “Oooookaaaay… Do you mind explaining why?”

“She mocks me with its tiny buttons and endless insults,” Pinkie explained.

“Uh, Pinkie? I don’t think…she can talk…”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie shrieked. “Are you kidding?! She won’t shut up!” Pinkie suddenly furrowed her brow and stared down at the item in her forehooves, “NO! YOU SHUT UP! … NO! YOU SHUT UP!” she screeched.

Spike wandered up to the mirror, “Uh… hey Pinkie, you holding up alright?”

“Well, I would be if the appliances weren’t plotting against me!”

Spike and Twilight exchanged confused, concerned glances and looked back at Pinkie.

“There are inanimate objects in your apartment… that are conspiring against you…?” Twilight said as she narrowed her eyes.

Pinkie dropped the remote, zoomed up to the mirror, and leveled a forehoof at Twilight, “Don’t let the whole, ‘not actually alive’ thing fool you!” Pinkie cried. “The microwave has been waiting weeks for a chance to strike! Now that I no longer have fingers, it’s going to rally the troops… in this case the stove and stereo… and then BAM!”

“Uhhhh…Bam, what?” Spike asked.

“You know BAM! Something big is going to happen!” Pinkie insisted.

“… Such as?” Twilight asked.

Pinkie paused and tapped a forehoof against her chin. “Wellll….I’m not sure what…” she admitted, “but SHE knows!” Pinkie declared as she turned a pointed an accusatory forehoof at the remote. She dashed back and scooped the item into her hooves. “Tell me what you know! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!” she demanded in a shrill tone as she violent shook the remote back and forth.

“Erm, Pinkie,” Twilight interrupted, “maybe we should try working on making you human some more…”

“Whoa, you mean you’ve actually got something?” Spike asked.

Twilight leaned down to the purple dragon and held up her arm to block her voice, “Not really, but anything is preferable to watching Pinkie slowly lose her already tenuous grasp on reality from across dimensions.”

“Good point,” Spike replied.

“Good idea, Twilight!” Pinkie said. “Whacha got?!”

Twilight plastered on a wide, fake grin, “How would you feel about being 12 feet tall…” she asked cheerfully, “and also having two heads…and technically being an ogre?”

“Wait, what?” Spike replied.

“Hmmmm… well… none of my clothes would fit me… and the apartment would be a lot smaller… and I probably couldn’t go out in public still…” Pinkie grinned, “But, I’d have hands!”

“Well, I guess that’s something…” Spike agreed.

“Hands I could use to crush those conspiring items in the apartment!” Pinkie declared with a mad grin as she rubbed her forehooves together.

“Uh… you know what? This was a bad idea…” Twilight said.

“Change me!” Pinkie cried.

“Pinkie, no!”

“CHANGE ME!”

“I said no!”

“Come ooooon!”

“Hey, maybe you should get a second opinion?” Spike suggested helpfully.

“Oooo! Good idea! I bet Dan would love having a giant, two headed girlfriend,” Pinkie said. “I’ll give him a call,” Pinkie declared as she rushed off in search of her phone.

“Phew…” Spike uttered as he wiped a claw over his forehead.

“Spike,” Twilight began, “I hate to rain on your parade here, but Dan might actually say ‘yes’.”

Spike’s eyes widened, “Uh-oh…”

Pinkie suddenly zipped back into view, holding her smartphone up in her forehooves. “I CAN’T WORK MY PHONE WITH HOOVES! I CAN’T EVEN TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND! I CAN’T DO ANYEEEEETHIIIIING! WHOUAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!” tears began shoot out of Pinkie’s eyes as if someone turned on two high pressure water spigots behind the optical organs.

Twilight and Spike looked at each other and frowned then turned back to Pinkie with a sympathetic look.

“Don’t cry Pinkie,” Spike said, “it’ll be alright…”

“NO IT WON’T!” Pinkie insisted through her tears. “I CAN’T LEAVE THE APARTMENT WITHOUT SNEAKING AROUND, AND I CAN’T EVEN WORK HALF THE THINGS IN HERE, AND WORST OF ALL, I DON’T HAVE DAN TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! WHOUAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!”

“Any other bright ideas?” Twilight asked Spike in an irritated tone.

Spike folded his arms and shot a glare at the purple alicorn, “Well it was a better idea than turning her into a giant monster!”

“At least that wouldn’t have turned her into a heap of tears!” Twilight retorted.

Spike rolled his eyes, “Right, like having her put another hole in her ceiling was going to improve things.”

“AND NOW MY FRIENDS ARE ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER! WHOUAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAH…!”

Twilight and Spike softened their expressions and turned back to the mirror.

“Alright,” Twilight began, “let’s all…”

“…HUAAAAAHUAAAAA…”

“… just calm down…”

“…HUAAAAAHUAAAAA…”

“…and figure this all out.”

“…HUAAAAAHUAAAAAHUAAAAAAAA!”

 “She’s gone…” Spike stated exasperatedly.

Twilight sighed as her ears flopped down and she lowered her head, “Yeah…”

Pinkie suddenly paused, as her phone began to vibrate and an upbeat melody began to play from it.

“…I can’t decide whether you should live or die...”

Pinkie’s face lit up, “That’s DAN’S song!”

“…Do we even want to know?” Twilight asked.

Spike shook his head, “No…no we do not.”

“... Lock the doors and close the blinds, we’re going for a ride!”

Pinkie began frantically poking at the device with her hoof. “I CAN’T WORK THE BUTTON.”

“Uh, Pinkie?” Spike spoke up.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie cried as she turned to the purple dragon.

Spike tapped his nose with a claw.

“Oooo! Good idea!” Pinkie grinned and raised the phone up to her face. “Hehehe…Boop!” she said as she poked the green ‘ANSWER’ button with her nose. “Heeeeeey~, Dan!”

“Hey, Goofball.” Dan greeted, “How’s it… What’s that rustling noise?”

Pinkie ceased cradling the phone against her chest, and returned to balancing it on a hoof as she leaned her head close to it, “Erm…nothing!”

“…Were you hugging the phone just now?”

“Uh…yeah…” Pinkie admitted.

“Wow…that’s uh… incredibly adorable, actually…”

Pinkie beamed, “Speaking of incredibly adorable, how would you feel if I were twelve feet tall and had two heads and was also technically an ogre?”

“I…what?” Dan said as he cocked a confused eye at the Bluetooth headset in his ear.

“Don’t answer now…but just think of how great it would be if I crushed the microwave with my bare hands!” Pinkie said, hissing the words ‘bare hands’ through gritted teeth as her face contorted in wild anger.

“…You’re having a bad day, aren’t you?” Dan asked.

“You have no idea…” Pinkie replied.

“Hey Dan,” Chris said as he walked into the kitchen, “Da…er… other you was curious as to when you’d be done with that pie.”

“I’M WORKING ON IT!” Dan shouted.

Chris stared at the lumpy mass of dough that Dan seemed to have savagely beat with a rolling pin, “Uh… right…”

“…Having a bad day, too, huh?” Pinkie asked.

“Yeah, everything’s kinda off without you around,” Dan admitted.

Pinkie merely puffed out her lip and whimpered in reply.

“Uh look…as great as it sounds to have a giant girlfriend that can crush my enemies and chatter her nonsense at me in stereo, I really like you the way you are.”

“Awww, you always know…” Pinkie paused, “Wait… you meant, ‘the way you were’, right?”

“Pinkie, I’ll listen to your adorable pony chatter later, but I don’t have time for cute antics!” Dan declared. “We have a crisis!”

Pinkie gasped. “A bakery crisis?!” she replied.

“Of the foulest sort!” Dan declared. “You’ll never guess who came to the bakery this morning.”

“Chris!” Pinkie said.

“…Okay, well yes… but that’s not who…”

“D.H.!”

“Uh… also true, but…”

“CRUNCHY!”

“Alright Goofball, I need you to shut up and focus here.” Dan said.

“Right! Shutting up and focusing!” Pinkie said as she sat on her haunches and held still.

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “…How’d he do that?” she asked motioning out to the now substantially calmer Pinkie with both forehooves.

“Guess Dan just knows how to handle her,” Spike mused.

“My would be imposter tracked me down to the bakery,” Dan exclaimed.

“That fiend!” Pinkie cried. “Oh, if only I was human…” she narrowed her eyes as her expression went dark, “they’d never find his body…”

“Yeah, his plan is to basically stalk us until he catches us doing something he can turn us into the cops with,” Dan explained.

Pinkie gasped, “He’s figured out our achy cheese wheel!”

“…It’s ‘Achilles’ eel’.” Dan corrected.

“HEEL!” Chris cried out.

Dan put his palm over his Bluetooth headset and glared at Chris, “Did you just talk to me like I was a dog?!”

“No Dan,” Chris said irritably as he stood with Dan in the bakery kitchen, “it’s ‘Achilles’ Heel’ you know… as in Achilles’ weak spot?!”

Dan paused for a moment and thought about this, “Well that explains why I could never find any stories about Achilles’ pet eel when I looked up Greek myth…” He removed his hand from Bluetooth device. “Anyhow, I get the bakery customers and then some cops to beat the heck out of my creepy twin,” Dan said as he continued his chat with Pinkie.

Pinkie paused “…Neat!”

“Yeah, but now he’s back and wants a pie.”

“THAT FIEN… wait… what?”

“Yeah, he wants me to make a pie for him so he can eat it while telling my how bad I am at making pies.”

“…THAT FIEND!”

“Right, that’s where you come in, can you help me make a pie?” Dan asked.

“Well, d’uh!” Pinkie replied. “I mean, it’s my last name!”

“Great! What do I do first?”

“Uh, have you made dough for the pie crust?”

“I mixed water, flour, and butter then realized I had little to know idea what I was doing and savagely attacked the mass with a rolling pin… does that count?”

“…No, no it does not,” Pinkie replied. “Just a sec…” Pinkie looked up at the mirror, “Hey guys, do you mind if I work with Dan for a bit on something?” she asked Spike and Twilight.

Twilight smiled, “Not at all. I’m just happy you’re a lot calmer now…”

Pinkie grinned, “Don’t worry, as long as I have Dan to keep me from going crazy, I’m sure I’ll be fine!”

Twilight and Spike turned to each other as Pinkie once again focused her attention on the phone in her hooves.

“Wow…even I can’t believe we’re relying on Dan to keep Pinkie sane,” Spike said.

Twilight sighed and went back to pouring over the spells in front of her, “It’s the blind leading the blind alright… they’re doomed…”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 79: Dan Vs. Pie

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 79: Dan Vs. Pie-ooooooo-

“ERAGH!” Dan pulled back his fist and then sent it sailing with all his might. He smashed his knuckles into his target creating a moist ‘Thomp!’ sound as white and brown goo exploded out from the impact.

“…Dan, was that the sound of my super-special boyfriend getting frustrated and punching the apples he just worked so hard on?” Pinkie’s voice asked from the headset in Dan’s ear.

“…May-be…” Dan replied through grinding, gritted teeth.

“But you were doing so well!”

“I know!” Dan replied in a frustrated tone, “But this is a lot harder when I have to give you the specifics on every little thing I’m doing! You made me measure out the width of each apple slice for crying out loud!”

“Hey Dan,” Chris said as he walked into the kitchen, “Not-you is still asking about that first pie.”

“WE’RE WORKING ON IT!” Dan roared.

“Well,” Pinkie said, “I just want this pie to be Pinkie Pie perfect! I know you want to wipe that smug grin of the organ bag’s face as much as I do…”

“That’s another thing,” Dan said as he glanced into the bowl of cut, brown sugar covered apples and began picking out the mashed slices, “as charming as your grisly detailed play-by-play of what you’d do to the guy if you were alone in a dark room with him is, your graphic and gory description is a tad on the distracting side.”

Chris cocked an eye as he listened in on half the conversation.

“But I thought I was being romantic!” Pinkie protested.

“Under normal circumstances sure…” Dan said as he held a palm up, “it could be considered pillow talk…” Dan narrowed his eyes slightly, “creepy, mentally scarring, pillow talk. But when you’re working with food, having your girlfriend alphabetically list out various organs and how she would remove them from her potential still living victim is a bit much.”

Chris’s eyes shot open wide.

“But I was only up to ‘colon’!” Pinkie wined.

“Yes, and having you detail how you would remove and dissect said colon is not the sort of thing that’s conducive to great pie making.”

Chris puffed out his cheeks and held a palm over is mouth, “I think I’m going to be sick…” he uttered.

“Aaaand you just made Chris sick,” Dan said, “way to go.”

“Yeah… lot of me doing that to ponies and people today…” Pinkie said in an apologetic tone. “I’m sorry Dan, it’s just… well… how would you feel if someone tried to drive me crazy and got me thrown in jail for six weeks?”

Dan paused as his left eye began to twitch. His face began to turn red as his head shuddered in anger. A lip curled up into a rageful snarl. “RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Dan snatched the bowl of cut apples in front of him and heaved it into the air.

‘Splorch!’

Dan sighed and turned around to see the mixing bowl resting atop of Chris’s head and the contents oozing out down his face.

“Nice catch, duffus,” Dan said.

Chris pulled an apple slice off his cheek and put it in his mouth, it made a light crunching sound as he ate the piece. “Hmmm, cinnamony…” he commented.

“…Was that the sound of my super-special-most-loving-boyfriend-in-the-whole-wide-universe losing his temper and throwing the apples he was working on into the air so they landed on Chris’s head?” Pinkie asked.

Dan sighed, “Yeah… guess I’ll start peeling again… ”

-ooooooo-

Dan* peered up from the paper he was reading as his angry looking lookalike walked over.

Dan held a pie aloft with an oven mitt covered hand, and focused rageful looking eyes at Dan*.

Chris walked behind his grumpy friend, a pensive expression plastered on his face and sugar and cinnamon plastered on his hair. His eyes darted back and forth between the short man sitting at the table, and the one who grumbled to himself as he approached said table.

Dan sat the pie down in front of the bearded man in a brown suit. Steam wafted up from the small, teardrop shaped holes in the golden brown crust.

“Hmmm, I was beginning to wonder if you’d even get one out tonight,” Dan* said.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Hey, good pie takes time,” he replied.

Dan* grinned, “Especially if it’s your first time making one.”

Dan simply glowered at his disguised double in response.

Dan* glanced up at Chris, “Hey Chris, like what you’ve done with your hair. Got a nice glazed look to it.”

“You think?” Chris asked as he gave himself a small smile and looked up at his hair.

“You here to keep this guy out of trouble?” Dan* asked.

“Who’s going to get in trouble!?” Dan asked in an irritated tone. “All I’m doing is baking and serving a delicious freedom pie,” he stated adding, “…freedom happens to be apple flavored.”

“Hmmm, quite,” Dan* replied. He reached an index finger up and pointed to his own left ear. “Had to phone a friends?” he asked as he continued to smile.

Dan glanced towards his Bluetooth earpiece, “A super-adorable girlfriend,” he answered.

Pinkie tittered quietly on the other end of the phone.

“Shame she couldn’t be here in person,” Dan* said, “I’d love to meet her again.”

Dan paused and glanced at his headset as a low-pitched growl emanated from the tiny speaker.  He turned back to Dan* and cocked an eyebrow, “Yeah, I kinda doubt that.”

“Well, tell that sweet, young thing I said ‘hi’,” Dan* said.

“Tell the contemptible little troll that I look forward to playing jump rope with his large intestines,” Pinkie snarled out.

“Uh… you know, maybe you should meet her!” Dan said with a small grin. “I’m sure it’d be quite the eviscerate-er-enlightening experience for you.”

Dan* chuckled, “She still has that serial killer charm of hers, I see.”

“You have no idea,” Dan replied. “So, are you going to yak at me all night, or are you actually going to eat your words.”

Dan* chuckled again and poked the pie with a plastic knife, “I don’t recall saying anything I’d have to take back.”

“Yeah, but you were thinking it!” Dan accused. “Really hard!”

Dan* shook his head as he retracted the knife and examined it, “Dan, Dan, Dan… when are you going to learn that you shouldn’t always expect the worse of people…”

“It would help if I stopped running into people with personal vendettas against me,” Dan retorted.

Dan* continued to examine the knife in front of him, “Well, you know what they say, Danny boy, ‘You reap what you sow.’”

Dan knitted his brow, but then quickly softened his expression and smiled, “I wonder if you kept that in mind when you were being thrown through a window… and pummeled by the customers here… and also tasered by the police.” His smile grew wider as he heard Pinkie erupt into mirthful laughter.

Dan* just smirked and continued to examine his plastic knife.

“And what the heck are you doing!?” Dan demanded, “It’s a plastic knife, not exactly a lot of craftsmanship to admire.”

Dan chortled softly, “Just checking how well cooked everything is, looks like you almost got it right.”

Dan’s eye twitched, “Almost?”

The low growling sound once again emanated from Dan’s headset into his ear.

“Well, I mean… it’s really good… for your first time, that is,” Dan* stated.

The wrinkle in Dan’s brow increased as did the volume of the growl in his left ear.

Dan* stuck a plastic fork into the pie and dug out a mass of crust and apples. He eyed the mass carefully before bringing it up to his mouth and eating it, “Hmmm, not bad.”

The growling from the Bluetooth increased in pitch.

“Let me guess, not good either,” Dan said as he glowered at his double.

Dan* smiled, “Well, the texture is nice, if a little watery. Mostly, it’s that fact that the bottom crust is a tad underdone.”

To Dan’s surprise, there was silence on the other line.  He refocused his attention to the man in front of him, “Anything else?”

Dan* shrugged, “Well, nothing worth mentioning.” He reached for his back pocket, “Here, what do I owe you.”

Dan snatched the pie from the table, “Your total defeat when I come back with a pie that knocks you dead,” Dan stated. “Uh… not literally.” he qualified. “As much as I’d like to…” he added under his breath.

Chris and Dan* watched as the ill-tempered man stormed off back towards the kitchen.

Dan* leaned his elbows on the table and entertained his fingers as he leaned his face against them.

“It’s a dangerous game you’re playing here,” Chris said to Dan*.

Dan* lowered his “Chris, baking shouldn’t be a ‘dangerous game’,” Dan* replied, “it should be a nice, relaxing, calm activity. I’m just trying to teach those two a valuable lesson.”

Chris raised an eyebrow, “About baking, or about throwing you out a window?”

Dan* shrugged, “Qué será, será.”

-o-

“Hey Dan,” Wally greeted, “how about you…”

“NOT NOW, WALLY!” Dan shouted as he stormed past his plumb boss towards the kitchen.

Wally gulped and glanced pensively out the bakery windows as the sun drew closer to the horizon.

“Sorry, Dan…” Pinkie uttered.

Dan glanced at the Bluetooth device in his ear, “Why are you sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

There was a sigh on the other end, “No, I screwed up,” Pinkie asserted. “I should have told you to add a little baking soda and also put the pie on the lower rack…What is it with that guy, anyway? Is he some sort of pie baking expert?”

“Apparently one of the lives he took over was a baker’s, so…yeah…”

“Oh…” Pinkie said simply. She sighed, “Dan, why are we making this creep a pie?”

“To prove we’re better than him at everything!” Dan replied.

There was a pause on the other line, “…Is that really necessary?” Pinkie asked.  "I mean, there’s always going to be someone who’s better at us at something or another… and I can think of easier ways to get back at him…” Pinkie added.

Dan rolled his eyes, “Yeah, you’ve already told me in grisly detail… Besides, this guys is just so smug about the whole pie thing!” Dan whined. He smashed his fist into his palm, “I really want to see the look on his face when we present him with the world’s most perfect apple flavored freedom pie.”

“Well it’s not going to happen with that attitude,” a voice called out.

“Dun, dun, DUUUUUN!~” Pinkie sang in a dramatic tone.

Dan glared at his Bluetooth device, “What the heck, Goofball?”

Pinkie giggled, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

Dan looked towards the source of the voice, “What is it, monkey-face?”

“Oooo!” Pinkie said. “Tell Chris I said, ‘hi!’”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Pinkie says, ‘hi’.”

Chris smiled, “Oh, well tell Pinkie I said ‘hi’ and ‘I hope she’s feeling better’.”

Dan grumbled irritably to himself, “Chris says ‘hi’ and hopes you’re feeling better.’”

“…Ask Chris, ‘Better than what?’”

Dan smacked a palm against his face, “Alright, this is stupid.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the phone. He pressed the screen a few time and sat the pone on the counter next to a several bright green apples and baking equipment. “There, you’re on speaker pony…I mean phone.”

“Oooo! Neato-torpedo!” Pinkie’s voice cried from the phone.

“Hi, Pinkie!” Chris said.

“Hi, Chris!” Pinkie replied.

“Are you feeling any better?” Chris asked.

“Better than what?” Pinkie responded.

“Would you two shut up!” Dan commanded as he remove the Bluetooth headset from his ear. “I’m trying to bake a pie here!”

“Well, you’re paying right into his hands!” Chris said.

“Dun, dun, DUUUUUN!~” Pinkie sang in a dramatic tone.

Dan furrowed his brow at his phone, then looked back at Chris, “Well, he did ask me to bake a pie.”

“Yes, but he wants you to make it while angry,” Chris explained.

“Dun, dun, DUUUUUN!~” Pinkie sang in a dramatic tone.

Dan turned and leveled an index finger at his phone. “Pinkie, if you don’t cut that out, I’m cutting back your snow-cone intake,” he threatened.

“…I’ll be good…” Pinkie said meekly.

Dan turned to Chris, “Why does he want me to make a pie while I’m angry.”

“Because he knows you won’t be able to do it!”

Dan narrowed his eyes, “Explain.”

“He’s counting on you making mistakes while you bake. He says baking should be a nice, relaxing, calm activity.”

Dan went silent.

“…I hate to admit it,” Pinkie chimed in, “but he’s got a point… I mean, I forgot a few things because I was angry.”

“So, THAT’S his little game!” Dan cried.

“…What?” Chris and Pinkie asked in unison.

“You two are so enamored with stupid calm, rational behavior garbagethat you can’t see this is just him hedging his bets!” Dan spat out.

Chris wrinkled his brow in confusion, “You baking while calm is him hedging his bets?”

“Is there an echo in here?!” Dan asked in an angry tone.

“I dunno…” Pinkie replied, “ECHO! ECHO! ECHO…!” Pinkie giggled, “I guess there is.”

“Goofball, that was just you saying ‘echo’ over and over again,” Dan said.

“Oh… so I was…”

“Look, you two obviously took the short bus to school…”

“Dan, I rode the same, regular bus with you almost everyday to school,” Chris retorted.

“And I never lived by a place that had busses when I went to school,” Pinkie added.

Dan parted his lips erupted in an angry growl through clenched teeth, “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR… BOTH OF YOU STOP DOUBLE TEAMING ME WITH YOUR IDIOCY!”

Chris and Pinkie went silent.

“Look,” Dan began, “He’s no longer sure he can get me to assault him so he’s trying a different angle. He wants me to calm down and bake a nice, drama free pie so I can see the error of my angry ways and blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah.” Dan said as he rolled his eyes and rocked his head back and forth.

“… And that’s… bad?” Chris asked.

 “OF COURSE IT’S BAD!” Dan shouted. “If I make the pie his way then he’s planted his fiendish seed of me becoming a normal, tax paying, productive member of society!”

“Dan, you already pay taxed,” Chris stated, “they’re taken out of your wages.”

“Not the point!” Dan said. “If he gets me with this, then eventually I’ll stop declaring vengeance on everything, I won’t be shouting at everyone around me, and the insults will drop dramatically, and then hefeels better because he proved I had to change my ways.”

“Dan, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life or anything, but I kinda feel all those things might be good for you.” Chris said.

Dan shot a glare out at his friend, “Treacherous cur! I hope you like cold because you’ll be getting an eternity of it in Hell.”

Chris smacked a palm against his face, “Heat, Dan. Heat! It’s hot in Hell.”

Dan grinned wickedly, “Not in the 9th circle reserved for traitors.”

Chris paused, “Oh…uh… I guess you got me there… STILL, I don’t think it’s”--Chris air quoted-- “’treacherous’ to suggest you can use a little more peace and calm in your life.”

“Sorry Dan, I’m with Chris on this one,” Pinkie said from the phone.

Dan glanced at the phone and frowned, “Oh well… I guess you’re right, you know… I’m starting to feel calmer already.”

“See Dan,” Pinkie said cheerfully from the phone, “it’s not so bad to relax every once in a while!”

“You’re right, Pinkie,” Dan replied. “Yep, from here on out it’ll be a nice, normal life…”

“That’s right… wait…” Pinkie paused. “How normal?” she asked with a hint of concern.

“Well… I dare say we won’t need the kiddy pool anymore,” Dan said with a smirk. “And, I hope you like missionary position with the lights turned off, because that’s the peak of excitement new, normal, boring, Dan can manage.”

--♫

“…I KILL THAT MOTHER BUCKER!” Pinkie roared angrily.

Chris sighed, sensing he had just lost the argument.

“That’s my girl,” Dan cooed.

“Dan, let’s bake the most awesomest, delicious, ANGRIEST PIE EVER!”

“I’m way ahead of you,” Dan said with a grin. He grabbed an apple corer and stabbed it through an apple.

-- ♫

Dan picked up a peeler and began feverishly peeling away the apple skin.

-- ♫

Dan quickly finished, placing the skinless apple on the counter and snatching another.

-- ♫

Dan grabbed a measuring cup full of flower and added it to a mixing bowl.

-- ♫

He threw in some butter, a spoonful of salt, a spoonful of sugar, and a small cup of water.

-- ♫

“MURDER THAT MIXTURE, DAN!” Pinkie cried.

Dan grinned evilly to himself as grabbed a wooden, bakery spoon.

-- ♫

Dan stabbed the floury mixture with the spoon and began zealously mixing.

-- ♫

Dan threw open the door to a refrigerator and tossed the mixing bowl inside.

-- ♫

Dan opened the refrigerator again and pulled out the mixing bowl.

-- ♫

Dan scooped out the doughy mixture with a hand.

-- ♫

He hurled the white mass onto a wooden dough board.

-- ♫

He picked up a rolling pin and smashed it into the center of the dough.

-- ♫

Dan aggressively rolled the pin back and forth, flattening the mixture.

-- ♫

Dan dropped the flattened disc of flour into a pie tin.

-- ♫

He dumped in a sugar coated batch of sliced apples into the tin and covered it with another doughy disk.

-- ♫

Dan tossed the uncooked pie into the oven and turned, closing the door with the heel of his foot as he did.

-- ♫

Dan snatched the hot pie from the oven with an oven mitt clad hand.

-- ♫

He walked the pie to Dan*’s table and sat it in front him.

-- ♫

Dan* stuck a plastic knife into the pie and pulled it out.

-- ♫

He examined it and gave Dan a small, smug smile.

-- ♫

Dan glared in response.

-- ♫

Dan* took a forkful of the pie and tired a bite.

-- ♫

He carefully chewed the morsel of pie.

-- ♫

“A little on the sweet side, don’t you think?” Dan* asked coking his head slightly.

Dan narrowed his eyes and snatched the pie from the table.

-- ♫

“GRRRRRRRRRRR!” Pinkie cried shrilly. “That’s it! It’s time to break out the big guns!”

-- ♫

Pinkie zipped into the bedroom in front of the mirror. “SPIKE!” she cried.

Twilight and Spike looked up from the mass of spells.

-- ♫

“Uh, yeah Pinkie?” Spike asked.

“Take a letter! NOW!” Pinkie ordered with a look of determination.

-- ♫

The purple dragon quickly produced a scroll and quill.

“Write: To A.J. from Pinkie. Pie challenge in progress. Fluttershy’s cottage. NOW!”

-- ♫

“Check,” Spike replied as he quickly jotted down Pinkie’s dictation.

“SEND IT!” Pinkie cried.

In a puff of green flame, the scroll disappeared.

-- ♫

“Pinkie, I don’t think…” Twilight began.

-- ♫

“PIE CHALLENGE, TWILIGHT!” Pinkie cried.

-- ♫

“If anypony understands the importance of that, it’s Applejack,” she added.

-- ♫

“Okay,” Twilight said, “but it’ll probably take Princess Celestia…”

-- ♫

‘THUD!’

The door to Fluttershy’s cottage slammed open revealing an orange pony with a stern expression on the other side.

-- ♫

“Howdy, ya’ll. I came over as soon as Princess Celestia gave me your note,” Applejack said.

-- ♫

“Wow, that was fast…” Twilight said as she stared at Applejack.

-- ♫

“Pie challenge, Sugarcube,” Applejack replied.

-- ♫

“Don’t get much more serious than that,” she added as she narrowed her eyes.

-- ♫

“Applejack!” Pinkie cried as she held up her smartphone. “We need you to tell Dan how to make the best pie EVER!”

-- ♫

Applejack nodded, “You listenin’ there, partner?”

-- ♫

“Yeah, cowpony,” Dan’s voice said from the phone’s speaker. He held a skinned apple in on hand and a knife in the other.

-- ♫

“Let’s slice some apples!” he said through gritted teeth.

Dan walked the new, freshly baked pie up to the table, passing Chris and Wally as he did. His Bluetooth device was once again sitting in his ear.

Chris and Wally looked on with tense, almost packed expressions. Wally sweated profusely as he continually glanced at the darkening sky.

“Dan! Don’t do anything you’ll regret!” Chris cried.

Dan turned back and flashed Chris a mad, toothy smile, “I never do!”

Dan placed the pie on his doubles table.

-- ♫

“Third times the charm, eh?” Dan* asked with a grin.

Dan flashed his doppelganger a wild, mad smile.

-- ♫

“Good pies take time,” Dan stated as smile suddenly dropped and pulled into a sneer, “and RAGE!”

-- ♫

Dan* cocked his head slightly and gave Dan a suspicious look. He stabbed a plastic knife into the pie, took it out, examined it, and his eyes opened wide in surprise.

-- ♫

“Something wrong?” Dan asked with a mad grin.

“Na…no…” Dan* replied in a slightly shaky tone. “Nothing.

-- ♫

Wally took another glance outside and noticed the hints of moonlight peering out from behind parting clouds.

“Oh no…” Wally muttered. He suddenly bolted for the office.

-- ♫

Chris spared a quick, confused glance for Wally, then looked back towards the table.

Dan* took a forkful of pie and to his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. “Almost perfect.”

-- ♫

Dan heard a familiar growl as his eye twitched, “Almost?”

Dan* smirked, “Crust could stand to be a bit flakier.”

-- ♫

“FLAKIER?!” Pinkie cried. “DAN! PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!”

-- ♫

“Pinkie! No!” Twilight pleaded.

 “Boy howdy,” Applejack began, “you two really know how to throw a pie challenge!” She said excitedly.

-- ♫

Dan leaned down and snatched his double’s red bow tie, pulling the shorter man up out of his chair.

-- ♫

Dan* merely grinned in response.

“Dan! No!” Chris pleaded.

-- ♫

“You know I still win this way,” Dan* said with a smug smile.

-- ♫

Dan pulled back his fist. “Whatever, buddy. This way, everyone’s happy,” he said with a mad grin.

--Shut

The office door exploded outward in a hailstorm of splinters.

--it

There was a growl, some snarling, a blur of brown fur…

--up

Dan* cried out in alarm as something big and fast snatched him from Dan’s grasp and quickly dragged him out of the bakery.

Dan paused and examined the bowtie still in his hand, the ends of it now ripped and torn.

“What happened?! Did you punch him?!” Pinkie asked from her phone.

Dan looked outside.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Dan* screamed as he threw his hands into the air and sprinted out of the parking lot, his clothes sporting claw marks in places and his body moving surprisingly fast despite all the injuries he had received that day.

A bipedal wolf like creature threw its muzzle to the sky and howled, “AROUUUUUUUUUUU!”

“No…” Dan answered into his headset.

“Awww, dis!” Pinkie replied.

Dan watched as The Wolfman began chasing his prey, jogging after him in a pair of trainers.

Likewise, bakery patrons looked up from their cupcakes and muffins at the disturbance, then quickly returned focus to their food and conversations.

 “The Wolfman attacked him,” Dan informed Pinkie.

There was a pause on the other line, “…Awesome!” Pinkie replied.

“What?!” Twilight exclaimed. “Wolfman?!” she asked as she looked towards Spike.

The baby dragon merely shrugged in response.

“Hooo boy!” Applejack exclaimed, “That sounds like tha third craziest pie challenge Ah’ve ever had the honor to participate in!”

Twilight sighed and buried her face in her forehooves. “I am soooo done with today!” she announced.

“Da…Dan?” Chris said in a panicked tone as he stared at the now broken office door. “Di…did The Wolfman just break out of the bakery office?!”

“You know what?” Dan replied. “I’m not even going to question it!” he declared with a smile. “All I know is that ‘savage mauling by The Wolfman’ defiantly counts as a win here!”

“Ba…but!” Chris protested as he motioned to the shattered door.

Dan began walking towards the bakery exit.

“Where are you going?!” Chris called.

“Home,” Dan replied, “you can close up shop tonight, buddy.”

“BUT…!”

Dan held up a hand and waved it back in forth, “Don’t care. See ya later.” He pulled the bakery door open and stepped into the night.

Chris just sighed and shook his head, “Guess I’ll go get the broom…”

-o-

Dan walked towards his apartment in the warm, California evening, the full moon continued to climb in the sky as streetlight illuminated Dan’s path home. “Uh, hey Goofball,” he said into his headset, “I’ll see you in a few, okay?”

“Okay, Dan!” Pinkie replied cheerfully. “I love you!”

“I love you, too,” Dan replied. “Bye!”

“Bye-Bye!”

Dan reached a finger up to his Bluetooth headset and turned the device off.

Pinkie sighed as she watched the call terminate. She looked back up into the mirror.  “I don’t suppose there’s any chance you’re going to find a way to turn me back to a human in the next few minutes?” Pinkie asked, though she already knew the answer.

Twilight gave her pink friend an apologetic look. “Sorry, Pinkie,” she said as she shook her head.

“…Maybe you can turn me into something else!” Pinkie suggested.

“Pinkie, I think you’re better off as a pony for the time being…”

There was a light tapping on the cottage stairs as Fluttershy trotted down into the room, “Uh, hey everypony. Erm, is everything all…”

“What about that tongue monster!” Pinkie suggested. “I’m sure I’ll get used to tasting everything I touch eventually…”

Fluttershy’s cheeks puffed out and she quickly raised her forehooves to her mouth.  She wasted no time in flying back upstairs.

“Ulg,” Spike uttered as pulled his lips up and to the left of his face and simultaneously lowered his left eyebrow, “that thought’s going to haunt the old subconscious for a while.”

Applejack shuddered, “Ya said it, partner.”

“Pinkie! No! You and Dan will just have to work it out for a little bit while I sort through all these spells!” Twilight said.

Pinkie sighed, “Alright, Twilight… But I just know Dan is secretly hiding how he feels about this from me!”

“Uh, have you tried asking him?” Applejack suggested.

“Well, d’uh!” Pinkie replied, “But it’s not like he’s just going to tell me he’s incredibly disappointed that I’m a pony now.”

“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight began, “this is the real you, and different species or not, if Dan really loves you, he can accept this part of you.”

“Darn straight!” Applejack agreed.

 “Well, you guys are right in a way,” Pinkie said, “but it’s not quite that simple. I mean… human’s only really have other humans to go out on dates and get all huggy with eachother with… I can’t just expect Dan to walk right in and…”

‘SLAM!’

Pinkie bolted for the bedroom door and turned towards the apartment entrance with wide, fearful eyes, “DAN! I’m still a pony, please don’t be ang…”

“I DEMAND PONY SNUGGLES!” Dan shouted. He closed the door behind him and stormed into the bathroom.

“…ry…” Pinkie paused and shot a confused glance at her friends on the other side of the mirror, she heard the sound of a drawer opening and items being rustled.

Twilight just smiled and shook her head, “Just roll with it. We’ll pick this up tomorrow.”

Pinkie nodded, “Alright Twilight, goodnight. Goodnight, Spike. Goodnight, Applejack.”

The ponies and dragon waved. “Goodnight, Pinkie!” they said in unison.

“Oh!” Pinkie said, “And say goodnight to Fluttershy and everyone else for me, too-WHOA!” Pinkie exclaimed as Dan entered the room, bent down, and scooped her up into his arms.

“Less talky, talky, more brushy, brushy!” Dan said as he balanced Pinkie and a pink hair brush in his arms.

Twilight chuckled as her horn glowed purple. In a lavender flash, the word ‘MUTE’ once again displayed on the mirror in large, bold text.

“So uh…” Pinkie said as Dan sat down on the bed, holding the pink pony in his lap, “I take it you…oh…that feels niiiiice…” Pinkie purred as Dan ran a pink hair brush through her mane. “So… you’re not… too upset about me still being a pony, I take it…”

“I’m learning to find the positives in all this,” Dan replied as he continued to smile.

“Still, I can’t stay a pony forever…” Pinkie said.

“Hey…” Dan reached down and grasped Pinkie’s chin, he gently tilted her face up and smiled at her with loving, green eyes, “this is the real you, and I’m okay with that. Besides, it doesn’t matter what you look like. I’d still love you if you were like… a Walrus, or some sort of giant tongue monster…”

Pinkie smiled happily as her face flushed with redness. She nuzzled her head against Dan’s chest, “That’s the sweetest, most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me…” Her smile dropped as she looked up at Dan with sky-blue, serious looking eyes, “Still, I really can’t stay a pony forever. My hooves don’t seem to work here and there’s erm… other things that might get awkward…”

Dan tensed slightly, “I’m sure we can work something out eventually…”

Pinkie cocked an eye at her boyfriend, “How long is ‘eventually’…”

“Hey, I didn’t know I was going to have to create a schedule here!” Dan protested.

“I’m sorry Dan, it’s just…well it’s Spring…”

“Yeah, so?”

“That means it’s also kinda pony mating season…” Pinkie pointed out as she bit her lower lip.

“…Oh… So…” Dan replied.

“So, we may only have a few weeks or days even before things start getting weird.”

Dan went quiet and thought about this.

Well… It’s not that I haven’t given this anythought… but I was hoping we’d sort this thing out before it became an issue… Hey, wait a minute…

“What did you do back in prancing ponyland?” Dan asked, “I mean… if I was your first, then…”

“Well, there was a lot more to keep me distracted in Ponylan-I mean, Ponyville. I could go outside for one…”

“Well, maybe you can bake, or play video games…” Dan suggested.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and held up her pink forehooves.

“Oh, right…” Dan said.

“Trust me,” Pinkie said, “we’ll want to get me back to human, soon. I’ve had to write reminder notes to myself to eat during mating season! ME!” Pinkie emphasized, motioning to herself with her forehooves. “And I’ve never been trapped in a small apartment with someone I was wildly attracted to.”

“Awww…” Dan cooed at the accidental compliment.

“You may be slightly less flattered when I tackle you and start chewing your clothes off,” Pinkie pointed out.

“Uh, good point… so do you think Sparkler will figure something out?”

Pinkie sighed, “I don’t know… She knows a lot about magic, but she doesn’t seem to be finding anything that’ll just change me back… and she’s even pulled books and spells from all over Equestria… We may have to try something here…”

“Like… our neighbor downstairs?” Dan suggested.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow, “Dan, he’d just make it so I could shoot lasers out of my eyes.”

“That could be useful…”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t exactly address the issue here.”

“Oh, right…”

“Hey, how about we try Elise?! She’s super-duper smart and has made all kinds of super-sciencey gismos!”  Pinkie suggested enthusiastically.

“Yeah, most of them disintegrate people…” Dan pointed out.

“Well, sure, but I mean… she was making them specifically for that purpose. It couldn’t hurt to ask her…”

“It might if she turns you over to her shadowy, quasi-governmental organization,” Dan retorted.

Pinkie waved a forehoof about dismissively, “Elise wouldn’t do that to me. Now if you were the talking horse…”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Dan replied. He placed his a hand on Pinkie’s head and gently pressed down until Pinkie was resting her chin on her forearms. Dan continued brushing Pinkie’s mane.

Pinkie murmured a content, “Hmmmmm…” and closed her eyes as she savored the warmth of her boyfriend and the attention he was giving her.

“So…” Dan said, “guess we’re coming clean with Elise and Chris tomorrow, huh?”

Pinkie popped open an eye. “Why Chris?” Pinkie asked.

Dan grinned, “Mostly, I can’t wait to see the look on his stupid face when he’s see you’re actually a pony.”

Pinkie giggled, “I’ll let you borrow my camera.”

Dan nodded, “Great, now just shut up and enjoy the moment.”

Pinkie relaxed again and returned to enjoying the sensation of having Dan run a brush through her mane, “you should do my tail next…”

Dan grinned, “That’s the plan.”

“Hey, Dan?”

“Yeah, Goofball?”

“I love you.”

Dan smiled, “I love you, too.” He suddenly glanced up and knitted his brow at something above him, “uh…why is there a hole in the ceiling?”

“…Just shut up and enjoy the moment, Dan.”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 81  Dan Vs. Explanation

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 81  Dan Vs. Explanation-ooooooo-

“Wheeeeeeee…!”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

“Meroworowroworow…”

Elise awoke to the sound of enthusiastic exclamation of joy, maniacal laughter, and an excited cat over the sound of rapid galloping.

She felt something soft under her and something warm next to her. She stood up and observed she had been moved to Dan and Pinkie’s bed along with Chris.

“Wheeeeee…Hey Elise!” Pinkie said as she galloped about with Dan on her back, her boyfriend having firmly grasped a handful of her curly main in both hands. Mr. Mumbles sat on Dan’s shoulder and clung on with all her might.

“HAHAHAHA… Hey, Useless.” Dan greeted as Pinkie quickly galloped the trio out of the room.

Elise grinned wide despite the fact that Dan had clearly taken advantage of her unconscious state to arrange riding Pinkie without interference. So it wasn’t a dream… Elise glanced over towards Pinkie’s mirror to observe the purple alicorn within had begun quietly reading the various books and scrolls spread before her.

“Chris…” Elise whispered as she nudged her husband, “Wake up…”

“Snort…Well, okay…” Chris mumbled in his sleep, “… a double dose of whipped cream on the candied bacon shake… if you insist…”

“Chris!” Elise said more forcefully.

“AH!” The tall man shot up in the bed, “Elise! I had the weirdest dream…”

“Wheeeeee…Hey Chris!” Pinkie said as she galloped in the room again.

“HAHAHAHA… Hey, Uselesser.” Dan greeted as Pinkie quickly galloped herself, her boyfriend, and Mr. Mumbles out of the room again.

“…Or maybe I’m still having it…” Chris uttered as his eyes went wide and the color drained from his face.

Elise shook her head. “It’s no dream, Chris!” Elise said with a smile. Pinkie is a real pony and she has a winged unicorn…”

“Alicorn,” Twilight corrected without looking up from the collection of spells in front of her on the library floor.

“…Right, alicorn, Princess friend!” Elise said.

Chris’s eyes began to roll back in his head again as his body went slack.

Elise quickly grabbed her husband by the arms and firmly held him up, “Stay with me Chris, you’ve already passed out once, today…”

“Wheeeeee…Twice!” Pinkie corrected as she galloped into the room again.

“HAHAHAHA… And that’s why he’s Uslesser!” Dan informed as pinkie took the group out of the small bedroom once more.

“Sorry,” Chris said weakly, “it’s just… this is sooo weird…”

“Seriously? After all the weird things you and Dan have been through, talking, pastel ponies is too much for you?”

“Wheeeeee…Elise has a point!”

“HAHAHAHA… Yeah! Suck it up, monkey-face!”

“Yeah, well none of the weird things turned out to be his girlfriend or a good friend of ours!” Chris countered.

“We should be so lucky that the one time the weirdness around Dan hits so close to home it’s a positive thing.”

Chris raised an eyebrow, “Pinkie being a pony is a good thing?”

“Uh well…”

“HAHAHAHA… I’m making the most of it!”

“Wheeeeee… He really is!”

Chris followed the group with his eyes as they made a quick circle in the small bedroom and rode out again, “…this is about the pony your parents never got you, isn’t it?”

Elise knitted her brow, “That’s a bit unfair… I mean, okay,” Elise began as she flicked a palm upwards and glanced at the ceiling, “practically every young girl wants a pony at some point in their life regardless of how reasonable a request it is, but my parents didn’t even let me go to horse camp!”

“That’s a thing?” Chris asked.

Elise nodded, “Yes, that’s a thing. Also, Pinkie talks and is my best friend, so… this is like the ultimate girl childhood wish coming true here!”

“Uh, fair enough…” Chris replied. “So, this is why Dan asked for us to be here? Just to show that Pinkie was really a pony from a magic pony dimension?”

“Wheeeeee… Noper! Elise is going to work with Twilight to make me human again!”

Dan stopped laughing, “Yeah… before it gets really weird…”

Elise sighed.

Chris cocked an eyebrow at his wife, “You really want her to stay a pony?”

“I kinda do…” Elise admitted.

“Believe me,” Twilight said as she looked up at the couple, “you really don’t.”

Elise pouted as she turned to Twilight, “Why not?”

“Well, she’s fine now,” Twilight stressed, “but that’s because she’s had Dan to keep her calm all morning.”

“Really?” Chris asked. “Dan of all people is keeping her calm?”

“I’m as surprised as you,” Twilight said. “Uh, Twilight Sparkle, by the way.” Twilight said motioning to herself.

“Uh hey…Twilight Sparkle…” Chris said in an unsure tone of voice, “I’m Chris.”

Twilight smiled and nodded, “Pinkie’s told me a lot about you two. Thanks for helping take care of her and keeping her out of too much trouble…”

Chris and Elise exchanged a quick glance and each cocked an eyebrow as they looked back at Twilight.

“You really think we keep her out of trouble?” Elise asked.

“Well, I’m weighing it against the stuff I can only imagine Dan would get her into if there was absolutely no one else around to at least curb their mayhem a bit.”

Chris chuckled, “Good point.”

“Wheeeee…”

“HAHAHAHA…”

“Pinkie!” Twilight called out.

Pinkie stopped galloping, “Yes, Twilight?”

“I think we’re ready to get started here.”

“Alright, Twilight!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

“No fair!” Dan protested as he let go of Pinkie’s mane and stepped down to the floor. “I was having fun.”

“Merrow!” Mr. Mumbles added with a disappointed sounding mew from Dan’s shoulder.

“It’s okay!” Pinkie said. She leaned her muzzle in close to Dan and whispered in a sultry voice, “Maybe you can ride me later…”

Mr. Mumbles took this opportunity to jump off Dan’s shoulders and bolt out of the room

The color drained from Dan’s face as surprise and dread took a wrecking ball to his irritated expression. Dan forced a cheery expression on his face, “Elise! Why don’t you have a turn?”

Elise’s face lit up as she leapt over her husband and off the bed, “Can I?!”

Pinkie looked at her and smiled, “Of course Elise.”

“But…” Twilight began to protest.

“Now Twilight, as Pinkie says, ‘You gotta share, you gotta care’,” Dan said.

Pinkie nodded, “That is totally a thing I say!”

Twilight looked on with annoyance as Elise clambered onto the back of Pinkie and pinkie resumed her excited galloping around the apartment.

“HehehehHAHAHA! Oh My gosh! This is so much fun!” Elise declared as Pinkie took her on a romp around the living room/kitchen area.

Twilight shot Dan an irritated look, “Why’d you do that?” Twilight asked. “She’s supposed to be helping me!”

“And she will,” Dan said, “but we’ve got another issue.”

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh, “What now?”

“I think Pinkie is starting to develop a thing for me,” Dan explained.

Twilight rolled her eyes, “You don’t say?”

“No, you purple twerp, I meant now, even though she’s a pony.”

“Nice to see Dan treats everyone the same regardless of what dimension they came from,” Chris said flatly.

“Oh, so that’s why you let Elise ride her without complaint,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, carrying Elise around the apartment will hopefully get her mind off me and wear her out,” Dan said.

Twilight raised an eyebrow, “You really believe that?”

Dan sighed, “No, no I don’t… but I have to try something! She’s starting to go from cuddly and nuzzley to bitey, and licky, and sniffy… I think she’s told me I ‘smell nice’ more today than every other day she’s been with me combined.”

“Guessing that wasn’t a particularly high number to beat,” Twilight said with a smirk.

Chris chuckled as he hopped off the bed and walked closer to the mirror.

“I WILL USE MY NEW FOUND POWER OF DIMENSIONS TO BRING YOU HERE AND CHEW YOUR HORN OFF!” Dan threatened.

“Do you, in fact, have a ‘new founds power of dimensions?” Twilight asked with genuine inquisitiveness.

“Well… I did…” Dan said.

“Wait, really?!” Chris asked. “When did this happen?!”

“Two days ago and extradimensional beings tried to kidnap Pinkie,” Dan explained.

“Wow…” Chris replied, “…you two actually managed to top yourselves in the weird zone. I’m impressed.”

“It’s related to how Pinkie ended up there in the first place,” Twilight explained.

“Oh?” Chris asked in an interested tone.

Twilight nodded, “Yes, Pinkie was kidnapped from our world. Originally, she was to be sent to some sort of tropical paradise prison dimension.”

“Huh, that doesn’t sound so bad…” Chris mused.

Dan cocked an eyebrow, “Alone… by herself…”

“Wheeeee…FOREVER!” Pinkie said as she quickly reentered the bedroom.

“BEST-FRIEND-EVER!” Elise cried as she gripped tightly to Pinkie’s mane.

Dan, Chris, and Twilight followed the two women with their eyes as the exited the room again.

“I can see how that would be a problem for Pinkie…” Chris said.

“So anyway… due to some complicated time shenanigans that no one actually cares about…” Dan began.

Twilight rolled her eyes.

“…Pinkie ended up here where I found her and bravely rescued the poor damsel in distress then invited her to stay in the warm comfort of my home…”

“…I think your time with Pinkie has tinted your memories a bit there, Dan,” Chris said.

“It’s close enough!” Dan declared.

“Alright, well this is all good to know, but how’d she get turned back in a pony?” Chris asked.

“That’s what I’d like to know!” Twilight said.

“Wait, Pinkie didn’t explain all this?” Dan asked as he cocked an eye at Twilight.

“NO!” Twilight said angrily. “She just kept on going on and on about how I needed to change her back in between her getting distracted.”

“Well… that does sounds like Pinkie…” Dan mused.

“Wheeeee…Twilight don’t lie or I’ll beat you with a crowbar!” Pinkie said.

“Whoa!” Chris uttered. “Where did that come from?!”

“Hehehehe…” Elise tittered, “You’re even cute when you threaten people!”

“Ponies!” Pinkie corrected as she exited the room with Elise on her back.

Dan shot Twilight a suspicious look, “Sounds like someone disagrees with your assessment of events…”

Twilight blushed slightly and she chuckled nervously, “Alright, so it was mostly me that got distracted… but Pinkie still didn’t want to give me the details…”

Dan sighed, “Those cloudy things showed up, whisked us away to dreary cloud land…”

“The Nexus,” Twilight said.

Dan nodded, “Right. When we got there, Pinkie had been changed into a pony.”

“Hmmm…” Twilight considered this as she rubbed a hoof against her chin. “The must have not liked that Pinkie had changed from… I can see how they might consider that…erm… disorderly…” Twilight paused, and thought about the last word she uttered. Wait… disorderly…? Could…

“Stop whatever idiotic thought you’re having right now, Sparklers!” Dan demanded. “Are you listening to me tell a story here or what?!”

“I’m listening! I’m listening!” Twilight insisted.

“Dan, do you have to pick on the alicorn?” Chris asked.

“Yes… because she’s stupid… and purple,” Dan replied.

“It’s alright, Chris,” Twilight said with a sigh, “I’m used to it…”

Chris winced, “Yeah, I understand that feeling…”

“…Do you two need some alone time?!” Dan cried.  “Do you need a feelings jam to work out all this ridiculous issues you both seem to have? Look, you two can do this later now that you are introduced and Chris apparently has stopped passing out because, hey, somewhere in the endless collection of dimensions, horses can talk...”

“Hey!” Chris protested. “Movies and T.V. have at least suggested some of the other things we’ve dealt with could be real. It’s not like there’s some movie or show with talking ponies that’s entertaining for adults to watch.”

Dan cringed, “Ugh, good thing too… Could you imagine a crazy world where that was a thing? Grown men walking around wearing pony t-shirt and purchasing pony comic books? That’d just be weird.”

“I think we’re losing focus again,” Twilight said.

“Oh…right… where was I?” Dan asked.

“Uhh…” Chris thought for a second, “You just got to The Nexus and Pinkie was a pony.”

“…Wow, you’re good at that,” Twilight said to Chris.

“Years of hanging around Dan,” Chris said proudly.

“…And you’re still sane!?” Twilight cried with a smirk.

“I never said it was easy…” Chris added.

Twilight and Chris shared a giggle.

Dan growled softly, “Grrrrrr… you two are lucky I need you to help with the whole getting Pinkie back to human thing, otherwise I’d just figure out the best way to drown you and be done with it.”

“Wait…” Chris said, “what do you need me for?”

“I may need you to physically restrain Pinkie,” Dan said.

“Why the heck would I need to do that?!” Chris asked.

“I already told you! Pinkie is starting to develop a thing for me!”

“She already had” –Chris air quoted—“’a thing’.”

“Yeah, but it hasn’t gone away since she’s turned to a pony,” Dan added.

“So? She’s still attracted to you. What’s the big deal? I’m sure she can control herself,” Chris reasoned.

“I wouldn’t go putting money on that,” Twilight said.

“Why’s that?” Chris asked as he turned to the purple alicorn.

“Well, it is spring,” Twilight mused.

 “And that would mean?” Chris asked.

“Uh, it’s kinda mating season for ponies,” Twilight explained.

Chris winced, “So Pinkie is…”

Twilight nodded, “Probably going to forcefully chew Dan’s clothes off.” Twilight looked at Dan and cocked an eyebrow, “Assuming you have an issue with her being a different species, that is.”

Dan mirrored Twilight expression in the mirror, “You say that like there’s a chance I wouldn’t.”

“Well… I mean… you’re both sapient… and mammals even…”

Chris made a throaty, sickly sound, “I think I’m going to be sick…”

Dan shot Twilight a glare and pointed at Chris with his thumb, “There you go, Too Purple, a normal human reaction to the weird thing you just said.”

Twilight raised her hooves in a shrug and glanced up at the ceiling, “I’m just saying that you’d have a lot less trouble here if you just kept an open mind.”

“…Dan can I be excused to go throw up in your bathroom?” Chris asked.

Dan nodded, “Yes you may.”

“Thanks…” Chris covered his mouth and sprinted out of the room.

Dan turned back to Twilight, “Why is it you’re constantly a gold mine of weird, skeevy advice?” Dan asked in annoyance.

“What?” Twilight protested. “It’s just a natural desire. I don’t see why everyone and everypony has to be so uptight about it.”

“… This is more of your creepy, detached scientific look on everything, isn’t it?”

“I don’t have a creepy, detached scientific look on everything!” Twilight protested.

“How long does flying, orange horse sleep at night?” Dan asked.

“You mean Flash? 7.89 hours a night on average.” Twilight said.

Dan sighed, “I rest my case.”

“Wheeeeeeeeeee… Gotta admit, Twilight! Watching other ponies sleep at night is kinda creepy!” Pinkie said.

“It’s not creepy!” Twilight protested.

“Hehehe… She can watch me sleep anytime!” Elise shouted.

Dan cringed, “Is there some sort of creepy high score thing going on here between you two?”

Twilight sighed and shook her head, “Look, I can help you with Pinkie, just tell me one thing; how were you able to attack The Order Keepers?”

“I punched really hard!” Dan answered.

Twilight shot Dan a glare.

“What do you want from me, Sparkler?! They separated me from Pinkie, it made me angry, and I thought how great it would be to be able to hit them and then suddenly they transformed into these lanky, blue, black, alien things and got a heck of a lot easier to mangle.”

“Wait, you just wished you can hit them?” Twilight asked.

“Yep,” Dan replied with a smile, “I also wished for my bat, a jetpack, and my bank vault door and got all those as well…”

Twilight’s eyes went wide as she thought about this, “…You must have mentally tapped into The Nexus’s magical energies somehow… since it’s a meeting point for all multi-verse ley lines, it makes some sense you could summon items from your world…”

“Yes, I’m amazing… moving on, I’m still working out my feelings on the whole pony girlfriend thing, and would rather like not to be forced to sort out the physical aspects in the next day or two.”

“Well… how would you feel about the whole thing if both of you were a pony?” Twilight asked.

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “Just answer the question.”

Dan sighed, “Still weird, but uh… less weird I guess. Of course that’s still a dumb idea said by someone who's stupid because then we’d have two ponies we’d need to turn back.” He paused as he noticed the constant exclamations of joy from the living room stopped.

Twilight shook her head, “I’d be able to reverse my own spell rather easily.”

“… Well… I guess that can be plan ‘B’, especially since it sounds like there’s no way Pinkie would be able to restrain herself…” Dan said. He suddenly felt something warm press up against his back as moist, hot air blew against his neck. He glanced behind him to see Pinkie standing up on her back legs with her arms draped over his shoulders and her muzzle inches away from his neck. “Can I help you?!” Dan asked in irritation.

“Oh nothing…” Pinkie said sweetly. “…Sniff, sniff… you smell nice…”

“Whew… That was fun!” Elise said as she walked into the room.

“Uh… Elise!” Dan said with a smile, “Why don’t you grab Pinkie’s hair brush and get started on that mane of hers?”

Elise’s face lit up again, “Can I?!”

Pinkie lowered herself back to her hooves, “Of course! I’ll go get it.”

“See if Chris is done being a pansy while you’re at it,” Dan requested.

Pinkie nodded, “Okei-dokei-lokei!”

Dan shot Elise an irritated glance, “Go wait in the living room.”

“But…” Elise protested as she glanced at Twilight.

“How much do you want to hear about the potential interspecies romp Pinkie might force me to have with her?” Dan asked with a raised eyebrow.

Elise’s eyes shot open wide as her pupils shrank slightly, “I’ll uh… just excuse myself…” she said as walked out the room.

“Hi, Chris!” Pinkie said from the bathroom.

“Ulg… Hey, Pinkie,” Chris replied woozily as he stumbled back into the bedroom.

Dan looked back at Twilight, “Alright, so you change me into a pony where upon Pinkie most assuredly has her way with me is plan ‘B’.”

“HRUK!” Chris covered his mouth and dove back into the bathroom.

“Hello again, Chris!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

“BLRRRUGHGHA!”

Dan sighed and shook his head, “Yeah, definitely need something besides Chris for plan ‘A’…”

“Huh… It’s a shame he’s married,” Twilight said.

Dan knitted his brow at Twilight, “What are you babbling on about there, Too Purple?”

“Oh… he just reminds me of Fluttershy a bit.”

“… Projectile vomiting into a toilet reminds you of Fluttershy?”

“Lately? Yeah…” Twilight said.

“Why the heck are you trying to play interspecies matchmaker, anyhow?” Dan asked.

Twilight shrugged, “I just thought they’d make a cute couple is all.”

Dan sighed, “As much as I’m entertained by the idea of Chris being married to adorable Fluttershy over evil, harpy Elise, NONE OF THIS HELPS ME WITH ME WITH PINKIE!” Dan yelled.

A slight red hue began to creep onto Twilight’s face, “Well… I know a few spells that will help Pinkie fight her urges… “

“Oh? Some sort of magic heat removal spells?” Dan asked.

“…Sure, let’s go with that,” Twilight said as she glanced to her side. “It’ll only satisfy her for a little bit though… “

“Satisfy?” Dan asked as he cooked an eyebrow.

“Nothing, shut up,” Twilight replied as she waved a hoof about dismissively. “Do you want my help here or not?”

‘BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!’

Dan and Twilight paused as they listened to the sound of loud banging from within the apartment.

“What the heck is that?” Twilgiht asked.

Dan shook his head, “A distraction.” He refocused his attention on Twilight, “Fine, your magic urges-removal spell will be Plan ‘A’ until we can get Pinkie human again…”

“So… we’re done?” Twilight asked.

Dan nodded. “Elise!” he called out. “Stop hogging the brush and get in here!”

“But I just started!” Elise protested.

“What are you complaining about?!” Dan replied. “You get to talk to a stupid, purple, alicorn princess!”

“Oh! Right!” Elise said excitedly.

Elise quickly sprinted into the room with a giddy expression on her face as Pinkie trotted in behind her.

“Ulhg…” Chris uttered as he walked back into the bedroom, “I think that was everything in my stomach…” He glanced at Dan, “Got anything to eat?”

Dan cringed, “Today is the day that keeps on giving…” he muttered. He felt a tug at his shirt and looked down.

Pinkie looked up at him with glassy, sky-blue eyes and a pout on her lips.

“What is it goofball?” Dan asked.

“Can I talk to you alone for a sec?” Pinkie asked in an almost pleading tone.

Dan shot her a confused glance, “Uh… sure…” He looked back up at Chris and Elise, “You guys got this?”

Elise looked from Twilight then back to Dan with a giant grin plastered on her face, “I’m sure I’m good to do science with a magic talking alicorn princess.”

Dan rolled his eyes as he walked towards the bathroom.

Pinkie trotted in after him and closed the door behind her.

“What’s up goofball?”

“Erm…” Pinkie put on a nervous grin, “you know I said we might only have a few weeks or days until I went into heat?”

Dan gulped. Is this going where I think its going? “Uh… yeah?” Dan answered. He glanced at the window behind him, to his great shock and alarm, it was nailed shut.

Pinkie’s expression started to turn a bit crazed as she got a hungry look in her eyes, “Turns out I should have said ‘hours’…”

“I was afraid you say that… maybe you should open the door,” Dan suggested.

Pinkie cocked her head as her eyes widened and her pupils turned into black holes that swallowed her irises. “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dan…” she uttered.

“And why’s that?” Dan asked.

Pinkie’s mouth suddenly exploded into a giant, beaming smile, “I reversed the doorknob just now, we’re locked in together…”

“WHAT?! You couldn’t even a work a butter knife last night! How the heck did you take a doorknob out and put it back the other way in a couple of minutes?!”

“You’d be amazed what a pony can accomplish when they really want something,” Pinkie replied as her smile hit critical mass. As sudden as the humongous, toothy grin appeared, it disappeared as Pinkie bit her lower lip. “I suggest you find something to hold onto and grab tight,” Pinkie said as her red, veiny eyes opened to their absolute physical limits, “it’s about to get weird.”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 82 Dan Vs. Heat

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 82 Dan Vs. Heat-ooooooo-

“You really think you can alter her DNA?” Twilight asked.

“Sure!” Elise replied. “I’ve made machines that have done that before…”

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah, but they always made monsters,” he pointed out.

“I’m sure I can figure out and tweak some that will almost definitely, probably not make her into a giant monster,” Elise assured.

“Hmmmm…” Twilight said as she rubbed her chin.

“You seem unsure,” Elise said.

“Oh, it’s not that I doubt your expertise here, but  in addition to being from a whole another dimension, Pinkie’s sort of an anomaly even by pony standards,” Twilight pointed out.

“That’s a fair point,” Elise replied, “well, I’ll get DNA sample and take a look at it before we try anything drastic.”

Twilight nodded, “Sounds perfectly sensible to me.”

The group paused as they heard the sound of a loud crash from the bathroom.

“I NEED AN ADULT!” Dan shouted.

“I am an adult!” Pinkie replied cheerily.

“I NEED A HUMAN ADULT OR MAGIC PURPLE ALICORN ADULT!”

“They can wait their turn!” Pinkie said.

“Sounds like Dan is going to beat you to the DNA sample,” Twilight joked.

Elise giggled.

“Uh, shouldn’t we help him?” Chris asked.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Elise said.

Twilight nodded in agreement.

“In case anyone was wondering,I’M NOT FINE!” Dan shouted.

“You will be when you stop struggling~!” Pinkie sang out.

Chris shot Elise and Twilight a grumpy bemused expression and motioned towards the bathroom door.

Twilight sighed, “Do we have to?”

Chris cocked an eyebrow, “You two wouldn’t hesitate if the roles were reversed…”

“Stop right there, mister!” Elise said in a mildly irritated voice. “I see what you’re trying to do, but it’s not because Dan’s a guy that we’re hesitating.”

Twilight nodded, “It’s because he’s Dan.”

“See!” Elise said motioning to Twilight, “She gets it!”

Chris sighed, “Look, I’m sure Dan has all done lists and lists of things to annoy all of use and he can use a little karmic retribution, but do you really think he deserves it in the form of his recently transformed girlfriend, whom he loves with all his heart, losing control of herself and forcing herself on him?”

Twilight pursed her lips and paused, “Wow… I see why you’re his best friend… I actually kinda feel like a real jerk here…” she admitted.

Elise sighed, “Yeah… me too… Alright let’s go save the little gremlin.”

“She’s almost through my shirt!” Dan informed.

“Wellf, I woufdn’t haff twwo chewf i’ off if ywou woul’ jwust twake iwt off!” Pinkie said in a muffled voice.

“WE’RE WORKING ON IT!” Chris yelled.

“Elise, Chris,” Twilight barked out, “I need you two to bring the mirror to where I can see Pinkie.”

Elise looked at Chris, “Alright, let’s grab it and bring to the door, I can get the door open easily enough.”

Chris nodded, “Alright, but that thing is really heavy…”

Elise and Chris ran over the mirror and grabbed either side of it, they both grunted as the picked it up.

“Wow… you weren’t kidding…” Elise said.

“You’re lucky we only need to get it across the room,” Chris replied.

“She’s done with my shirt, guys!” Dan called out. “And she apparently possess freaky pony strength,” he added.

“Yeah… Pinkie’s strength probably increased now that she’s an earth pony again…” Twilight mused.

Chris and Elise sat the mirror down at entrance to the bedroom as Elise leaned in front of the bathroom door and produced a series of thin metal tools from her pockets. She grabbed one and shoved it into the lock.

“You carry lock picks with you?” Chris asked.

“… You’re actually surprised?!” Elise replied as she raised an eyebrow at her husband.

“Touché …”

Elise added another tool and soon the door was unlocked and opened.

Red faced, and irritated looking with a great deal of his shirt chewed away, Dan stared upside down from the floor at his rescuers. “Took you long enough, I’m lucky she can’t work a zipper with her hooves and my jeans are harder to chew through than my shirt.”

Pinkie had clamped on to Dan’s jean’s waist band and pulled at it with all her might.

“Uh, Sparkler,” Dan began, “could you…?”

Twilight swallowed, “Maybe she’ll wear herself out…”

“Wfill noft!” Pinkie said through a mouth full of jean.

“NOW, TWILIGHT!” Dan shouted.

“Alright, alright!” Twilight shouted as a purple beam shot from her horn into her side of the mirror, and then out the other side into Pinkie.

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as the beam hit.  She immediately loosened her grip on Dan’s pants. She let out a loud, low moan as her eyes rolled back in her head as her eyelids began rapidly twitching as an awkward happy smile grew on her face.

Dan glanced at Pinkie and then back at Twilight with a confused expression, “Looks like your magic feels pretty nice.”

Twilight sighed as her face flushed crimson, “Let’s just say euphoria is a side effect of this particular spell.”

“You’re telling me…” Dan said as Pinkie allowed herself to fall unto Dan’s bare chest with a content smile on her face. “Anyhow, thanks Sparkler…”

“Sure…” Twilight said meekly.

“Hey, I picked the lock,” Elise pointed out.

“That door, is barely a step up from paper mache,” Dan pointed out, “it would have fell apart if you sneezed too hard on it.”

“Catch me saving you from your girlfriend again,” Elise muttered under her breath.

Dan shot Pinkie a quizzical look as the pink pony began to enthusiastically nuzzle his bare chest, but decided to continue taking out his pound of flesh out of his friends. He looked at Chris and narrowed his eyes, “Well, what did you do?”

“I helped carry the mirror,” Chris replied.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Thanks, uselesser,” he said in a sarcastic tone.

“Aaaand, I actually convinced Elise and Twilight you were worth saving,” Chris added.

Dan glowered at Elise and Twilight, “And why was there room for questions here?”

Twilight pursed her lips, “Sorry Dan, you’re right, it wasn’t right of us to just leave you like that when you needed help.”

Satisfied, Dan turned to Elise who merely glared down at Dan.

“Well?!” Dan demanded.

“I’m no longer convinced you were worth saving,” Elise informed.

Dan narrowed his eyes, “And you wonder why I call you, ‘cow’.”

“Oh, that’s it, you’re a dead man!”

Pinkie’s focused warning eyes on Elise, “HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

“Uh… or not…” Elise said as she observed her friend’s unusual response.

Satisfied, Pinkie returned to nuzzling Dan.

“…Did Pinkie just hiss?!” Chris asked.

Twilight sighed, “Mating season can get a little weird, especially for Ponyville ponies.”

“Why’s that?” Elsie asked.

“The ratio between females and males is somewhat weighted towards the female end in Equestria,” Twilight explained, “but Ponyville has the most unbalanced ratio out of any city.”

“Ah,” Elise said, “so Pinkie is…”

“Going to be very hard to pry away from Dan until we sort this all out…”

“Does this weirdness explain this non-stop nuzzling she’s doing to my chest?” Dan asked as he cocked an eye at his girlfriend.

Twilight’s cheeks flushed crimson, “Erm… no… that’s probably… afterglow…” she said sheepishly.

Dan’s eye began to twitch as confusion and anger vied for control of his features, “WHAT!? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOUR SPELL…”

“PLEASE, can we not talk about the particulars of that spell, I’m embarrassed enough as it is…” Twilight said.

“What happened to all that talk about ‘natural desires’?!” Dan demanded.

“Well, this is a tad personal for me…” Twilight replied as she avoided Dan’s icy glare.

“Personal for you?! She’s my girlfriend!”

“Hey!” Twilight protested as she turned to Dan and met is gaze with irritated eyes. “Pinkie’s one of my best friend and I only used it to save you! How do you think I feel?! How would you feel if you had to blast Chris with magic ‘feel good’ beams to keep him from going crazy on Elise?”

The color drained from Dan’s face.

“All in favor or not hearing the answer to that question ever,” Chris said raising his hand.

Dan and Elise raised their hands. “Aye,” they said in unison.

Elise shook her head. “Welp, I just watched an alicorn princess blast my pony best friend with magic, ‘feel good’ beams so she wouldn’t date rape her boyfriend. My childhood innocence is officially dead,” she announced.

Chris paused and glanced to the side as he thought about this. “…You kill people for a living,” he reminded.

“Not all the time!” Elise replied.

“Yeah,” Dan chimed in, “sometimes she creates things that are used to kill people…”

Elise narrowed her eyes at Dan, “Dan,” she began in an angry tone, “I’m going to…”

A low pitched growl emitted from Pinkie, “Grrrrrrr…”

Elise sighed, “…figure out a way to transport you, Pinkie, and the mirror to our house.”

“What’s wrong with here?” Dan enquired.

Elise cocked an eyebrow at Dan, “Seriously? I have none of my equipment, and there are a grand total of three rooms in this apartment… Also, it’s an apartment, not exactly the sort of place you conduct crazy and groundbreaking scientific experiments, like the ones that hopefully end in a pony from another dimension being transformed into a human.”

“Our neighbor does it!” Dan pointed out.

“And...?” Elise replied.

“Uh… they usually end in giant and dangerous radioactive beasts attacking the complex…” Dan said weakly.

Elise nodded, “There you go.”

“I understand, Elise,” Twilight said, “I wouldn’t be able to do much in your situation either.”

Dan sighed, “Fine, you go and Chris can…”

“I’m going with Elise,” Chris announced.

“WHAT?!” Dan cried, “But I need you to restrain Pinkie…”

“Yeah, that’s not going to work,” Chris said.

Dan furrowed his brow at his tall friend, “And why’s that.”

Chris walked behind the couple still on the bathroom floor. He bent down to pick up Pinkie. As he did, the pink pony wrapped her arms and legs tightly around Dan. Chris grunted and strained to raise both pony and the now attached man.

Chris let go, stood up, and motioned to Pinkie.

Dan sighed, “Fine, you’re excused.” He leaned his head back so he was once again looking upside down at Twilight. “Looks like it’s just us three for a bit.”

Twilight cringed.

“I’m really sorry, Twilight…” Elise offered.

“It’s alright Elise, I understand,” Twilight sighed out. “I just wish we could have met under better circumstances.”

Elise chuckled, “Not as much as me.”

The two smiled at each other through the mirror.

“Elise, you can take a picture of Too Purple and make a creepy shrine to her later,” Dan said. “I would very much like a sane…”

Twilight, Chris, and Elise all cocked an eyebrow and stared at Dan.

“…relatively speaking,” Dan qualified in a mildly irritated tone, “girlfriend again.”

“Alright Dan,” Elise said, “but only because I’m starting to want Pinkie back to normal, too… especially if she’s going to be this weird when she’s a pony.”

Twilight shrugged, “It comes and goes through the mating months.”

Elise’s expression suddenly turned unsure.

“Sparkler? Not helping…” Dan stated.

“Er, sorry… Anyhow, Pinkie can’t go outside like this and was literally climbing the walls yesterday she was so stressed out…” Twilight pointed out.

Pinkie took a quick break from her nuzzling to perk her head up and nod it up and down vigorously.

Elise sighed, “Alright… come on Chris, we’ll need to get something big enough to transport the mirror safely.  Uh… good luck Twilight.” Elise offered.

Twilight nodded, “Thanks…”

“See you two soon,” Elise said.

“Yeah, see you soon,” Chris said.

“Bye-bye!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

“Yeah, whatever…” Dan said.

Elise and Chris walked towards the apartment door and left.

“Sooo…” Pinkie cooed, “looks like we’re alone now.”

“Uh, Pinkie?” Twilight said, “I’m still here.”

Pinkie looked up and gave her friend a crazed grin, “I meant the three of us. I mean… you already are a participant here…”

Twilight’s face turned a luminescent shade of red.

Dan gulped and looked at Twilight, “Uh… so when you said mating season could get a bit weird…”

“Well… erm… it depends from mare to mare,” Twilight said, “but uh… sharing isn’t uncommon if a mare isn’t so keen on arguing or fighting other mares…”

“…You ponies are pretty messed up,” Dan commented.

“Hey! Why don’t you try living in a society that goes all cattywampus for a few weeks out of the year and see how judgmental you are then!”

“Less angry shouting more in the throes of passion shouting, please!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Dan grimaced as he pressed his head against the floor in a vain attempt to get further away from Pinkie as she leaned her muzzle closer to him.

“Sniff…sniff… You smell nice…” Pinkie said.

“So I’ve been told…” Dan said to Pinkie. He looked back up at Twilight. “Twilight, could you…” Dan began.

Twilight cocked an eye, “Oh, so now you want me to blast her.”

Pinkie began to nibble at Dan’s neck.

“I’ve weighed the pros and cons here and decided I really don’t want this memory burned upon my psyche.”

Pinkie glanced up at Twilight with a mad glint in her eyes, “Come on Twilight! Blast me! It’s fuuuuuuun~!”

Twilight gulped, “I’m not sure I can do this… I mean… she’s into it…”

“Not as into it as Dan’s about to be~!” Pinkie sang out.

Dan winced. “Shoot her!” he pleaded.

“But…”

“Shooooooooot herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

Twilight’s horn glowed purple as and another beam shot from it and threw the mirrior into Pinkie.

Pinkie placed her forehooves on Dan’s chest and began to moan and pant as her eyes glazed over slightly.

Dan let out a sigh of relief, “Thanks, Twilight.”

Twilight sighed, “You’re welcome…” she said meekly.

Pinkie began to giggle in a much lower, throatier tone than usual, “Hehehehehe….The felt good…”

Dan and Twilight stared at the pink mare with concern as Pinkie’s toothy grin widened, adding to the mare’s already crazed look.

Pinkie looked down at Dan, “Your turn~!”

“Uh, Twilight? I don’t think it’s stopping her,” Dan said.

“I noticed,” Twilight replied.

“Why isn’t it working?!” Dan cried.

“It’s not like I’ve used it on anypony else before!” Twilight cried.

Pinkie shimmed down Dan’s body a bit and eyed the button to his jeans. “You know...” she purred, “my hooves aren’t working here, but I know something that miiight~!”

Dan gulped as Pinkie leaned her face down to his jeans button and wrapped her teeth around it. He looked back up at Twilight with a panicked, pleading look in his eyes, “I’m open to suggestions!”

“Uh… Plan ‘B’?” Twilight suggested.

“…Do we have anything between A and B?” Dan asked.

Pinkie yanked her head back quickly, Dan felt his jeans tug up slightly before they quickly flew to the ground. Pinkie spat out the metal button. “Alright, now for the zipper…”

“There is no letter between A and B!” Twilight cried.

Dan’s blood ran cold as he heard the sound of his zipper being undone, “Please! Try something! Anything!”

Twilight bit her lower lip, “Uh…erm… I GOT IT!” Her horn glowed purple once more and another beam excited the mirror and hit Pinkie.

Pinkie shot up once again. This time her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed into a heap on top of Dan. She began to snore gently as she rested her head on his chest.

Dan breathed a sigh of relief, “Thanks…” he said, “what was that?”

“Sleep spell…” Twilight informed.

Dan’s eye twitched, “… Wait… you had a sleep spell the ENTIRE time and instead you opted for your filthy, master…”

“It works a lot better in conjunction with the first spell,” Twilight interrupted. “In fact, the sleep spell pretty much doesn’t work at all on mares in heat otherwise…”

Dan raised an eyebrow, “And by mares, you mean…”

Twilight sighed, “I mean ‘me’…”

Dan lowered his eyelids slightly “You’ve had a lot of lonely nights, haven’t you Sparkles?”

Twilight shot a glare at Dan, “Hey! I’m willing to bet a whole bag of bits that you haven’t exactly spent a lot of time with a special someone, either!”

Dan glowered at Twilight in response.

The two avoided eye contact and shared an uncomfortable silence as they prepared for what was certainly going to be an unpleasant day full of awkward moments between the two of them.

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 83 Dan Vs. Awkward Silence

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 83 Dan Vs. Awkward Silence-ooooooo-

Pinkie continued to snooze quietly on Dan’s chest as he was left trapped on the bathroom floor.

Just out of the doorway sat Pinkie’s ornate mirror displaying Twilight Sparkle as she sighed heavily and concentrated on the spells in front of her.

Dan attempted to shimmy out from other Pinkie, but found every time he moved, her legs and arms would wrap tight around him and pin him in place.

Dan sighed, “Looks like I’m stuck here.”

Pinkie’s quiet snoring and Twilight’s silence was Dan’s only response.

Dan leaned his head back to shoot a quick glare at the purple alicorn. “Hey, Sparkles…”

“What!?” Twilight replied in an irritated tone of voice.

“... Nothing…” Dan said as he shook his head. He suddenly smiled, “Here kitty, kitty… here Mr. Mumbles…”

Dan waited for the pitter-patter of kitty paw pads on the floor but there was nothing.

“Great,” he growled out sarcastically, “she must be out.”

“No doubt with that compact, disrupting the Princess Summit,” Twilight uttered in annoyance.

-ooooooo-

“MERRROW!” Mr. Mumbles cried angrily.

“Unwashed offspring of a three-toed-sloth!”

 “HISSSSSSSS!”

“Fascist courtesan!”

“Uhhh… sooooo…” Shining Armor said has he simply trailed off. He stared At Celestia from across the table as the alabaster alicorn continued to hurl insults at a grey, mangy cat on the other end of plain looking mirror with a wooden frame.

Cadance sighed and shook her head, “Doesn’t seem like we’re going to get much done this summit.”

“…You two act like these are out of the ordinary diplomatic proceedings,” Luna replied.

“Wait, you mean this has happened before?!” Shining Armor asked in disbelief.

 Luna nodded, “We’re at the ‘almost completely random insults’ part of the debate. You should have seen the fights my sister had with the Gryphon representative over a thousand years ago. They were so legendary that we had stain glass windows commissioned and installed in the grand hall.”

“Huh… how come I’ve never seen them?” Cadance asked.

“We had to put them in storage because we kept getting complaints about how vulgar they were,” Luna explained.

“MERROW! HISS!”

“Slutty dishwasher assistant!”

-ooooooo-

“Well that’s hardly my fault!” Dan cried

“Is it?” Twilight asked as she cocked an eye at Dan.

“WHAT! I wasn’t even here when you morons made the second mirror and Pinkie gave Mr. Mumbles her compact,” Dan reminded.

Twilight scrunched her lips to the side as she considered Dan’s words. “Still your cat,” she mumbled out.

“Yeah! So? It’s not like I arranged for Mr. Mumbles and tallest horse to get into it with each other!”

“Alright, fine!” Twilight said exasperatedly. “You still cause mayhem wherever you go.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Really now.”

“Oh please,” Twilight said, “don’t try to act innocent here.”

“Oh you mean here?!” Dan cried. “Right here trapped under my girlfriend who’s gone into crazy, nymphomaniac, pony mode and wants to work it out with me by locking me in small, cramped room with her and nailing potential exits closed?!  Go ahead Sparkler! Explain how this is my fault! Come one!”

“Well uh… you…”

“Please explain how it’s my fault we get transported to another dimension and she got changed back into a pony.”

“…Erm… that is to say…

“Ooo, ooo! Here’s a good one! Explain to me how it’s my fault those same cloudy jerks tried to kill her!”

Twilight’s eyes widened in surprised, “What? Kill her? I thought they just were trying to banish her…”

“Well they changed their minds apparently, I had rip a hole in The Nexus through sheer force of anger then beat one of those things senseless.”

“…You’re not joking, are you?”

“Why would I joke about that?!” Dan cried. “Oh, wait! Explain to me…”

“Dan, stop,” Twilight said, “You’re right, I’m wrong.”

“DON’T YOU INTERRUPT… wait…”, Dan’s eyes widened in surprise, “what did you say?”

“You’re right, I’m wrong,” Twilight repeated.

“…Huh…” Dan replied.

“Well? Aren’t you going to say that you’re always right or something like that?” Twilight asked.

“Uh… honestly, no one has ever so quickly admitted they were wrong to me… I can sometimes berate Chris into admitting as such, but it usually takes a lot more screaming...”

“Well,” Twilight began, “it’s just this whole situation is so stressful… and weird! I’m sorry I’m taking it out on you. I mean… you saved Pinkie! If it wasn’t for you she’d be lost to us… all of us, forever! I should be thanking you.”

“You really should,” Dan said with a nod.

Twilight paused, “…Thank you, Dan. You saved one of my best friends where I couldn’t… I’ll never forget it.”

“Uh… sure, Twilight…” Dan said in an almost uncomfortable tone as he rubbed the back of his head, “…it’s what I’m here for.”

“I mean…” Twilight continued, “… you can hardly be blamed Pinkie’s pheromones aren’t working on you.”

“…My, what an utterly bizarre thing to say…”  Dan replied as he looked up at Twilight in confusion.

“…Sorry…” Twilight said, “I forgot all my mating talk makes you uncomfortable… “

“You are oddly eager to share it with me,” Dan pointed out.

Twilight blushed slightly, “Just… just trying to be helpful…”

There was another awkward pause.

“Alright, Sparkles. Lay it on me.”

“Uhh… lay what on you.”

“Whatever skeevy science presentation you want to share, go ahead.”

“But you always make fun of me or yell when I talk about this stuff,” Twilight pointed out.

“I’m trapped on my bathroom floor with nothing to do. Even your bizarre equine society talk seems interesting at this point. Also, I’m afraid if I make too much noise, Pinkie will wake up and go all crazy sniffy, nibbly on me again… Especially since she’s already gotten rid of my jeans button and undone my zipper. There’s very little separating her from her goal at this point.”

Twilight chuckled, “Alright, fine… it’s just… if you were a stallion, it’s unlikely you’d find Pinkie’s behavior off putting… in fact, it might be her trying to get away from you after a little while.”

“Forgive me if I find that completely ridiculous and moronic statement incredibly hard to believe.”

Twilight shot Dan a glare.

“What!” Dan protested. “I said ‘statement’, I made no comment about the stupid horse who said it.”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “Anyways… A mare in heat can be pretty hard for a stallion to resist, even if they find her behavior a little off-putting at first. If she hangs around long enough, often time her scent will win the stallion over.”

“Uh… so is like… the same true for guy horses?” Dan asked. “Pinkie keeps on mentioning that I smell nice…”

Twilight nodded, “She’s attracted to your smell all right.”

“Hmmm…” Dan thought about this, “Maybe I can get her to lose interest if I cover myself in garbage…”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, “Or you know… take a long shower?”

“Hey, not bad Sparkler, keep throwing ideas out, you’re a good brainstormer.”

Twilight shook her head, “It won’t matter. Pinkie’s going to be very attracted to scent, but she also finds you attractive in other ways. And no matter what you do to yourself, she’ll still be in heat and be one-hundred percent focused on you.”

“Geez, what happens in pony land when a guy just isn’t that interested?”

“Well, that’s just it…” Twilight said, “… Pinkie’s behavior isn’t all that weird because under normal circumstances, you would be interested. Often times, a couple in your position would practically disappear for about a week.”

“Oh?”

Twilight nodded, “Couples have it a lot easier during mating season. They usually have their feelings worked out so things don’t get…uh… messy when the mare’s heat kicks in, or awkward when it’s gone.”

Dan glanced at the sleeping mare on top of him, “I see how that could get pretty awkward.”

“Why do you think Heart’s and Hooves day is before spring?” Twilight asked. “It encourages everypony to find a special somepony before mating season hits so they don’t have to worry about all the crazy symptoms of being in heat without anypony to work it out with.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow, “What the heck kinda stupid Holiday is ‘Hearts and Hooves’ day?”

“Oh right, you wouldn’t have it…” Twilight mused.

“Well, we obviously don’t have hooves,” Dan pointed out.

Twilight nodded, “It’s a holiday where you’re supposed to buy candy and exchange tokens of affection, usually shaped like hearts, with your special somepony. Flash Sentry bought me a giant box of chocolates and so many flowers I ran out of places to keep them…” Twilight smiled, “…He also wrote me poetry…” she paused, “…and also there’s this giant teddy bear he got me that I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with.”

“Oh, like Valentine’s Day,” Dan replied. He knitted his brow, “Man… orange horse has it bad for you…”

Twilight paused, “Has what bad for me?”

Dan blinked a few times, “You’re… joking right?”

“Uhh…” Twilight decided to quickly change the subject, “So you have a similar holiday over there?”

“Well… it’s more of an invented holiday made by corporations to sell chocolate and flowers… but yeah… shame there’s not more attention to the saint it was named after.”

“Oh?” Twilight asked.

Dan smiled, “Yeah, he was beaten with clubs and stones for marrying and helping Christians at a time when it was considered a crime, and when that didn’t kill him, he was beheaded.”

Twilight chuckled, “I see how that would appeal to you… it sounds rather… erm… what was that expression you used to describe our adventures? Uh… Steel?”

“Metal?” Dan suggested.

Twilight smiled and nodded, “Yes, metal.”

“SNORT…”

Dan’s eyes shot open as he held perfectly still at the sound Pinkie just made.

Twilight, likewise went completely quiet and kept a pensive eye on her friend.

“Snore…zzzzzzzzz…”

Dan and Twilight both breathed a sigh of relief.

Twilight sighed, “I just wish… I just wish I could get her back here somehow… even until this whole thing blew over… She’s good at keeping her mind of her urges here.

“Does it really bother you that much?” Dan asked.

“Does what bother me that much?”

“That Pinkie’s stuck here.”

“Well, yeah… there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about how I can get her back,” Twilight answered.

“But you get to talk to her almost whenever you want. And hey,” Dan said with an enthusiastic smile, “you even helped find her in the first place.”

“Thanks Dan,” Twilight said with a smile, “It’s just not quite the same without her here… She really knows how to put a smile on everypony’s face.”

Dan patted Pinkie lovingly as she continued to snooze quietly on his chest. “I noticed,” Dan said.

Twilight smiled at Dan’s gesture, but soon the two quickly found themselves awkwardly avoiding each other’s eye contact.

“…I’m sorry…” Dan uttered.

“…What?” Twilight replied, unsure of what Dan was sorry for, or what had come over him to make him apologize for anything.

“I’m sorry about the whole, ‘lonely nights’ crack,” Dan said. “I mean… you probably would be out right now talking about the proper amount of times to brush hair, or how friendship makes you feel warm inside, or whatever ridiculous garbage you pony princess talk about if it weren’t for all this. Instead you’re stuck in your library ready to blast your friend at a moment’s notice in what has got to be one of the universes most awkward situations…”

Twilight’s face flushed crimson, “Uh thanks… and yeah… it is pretty awkward. Sorry I snapped back at you.”

Dan shrugged, “It wouldn’t have stung if it weren’t true…”

Twilight chuckled, “Ditto…”

“So… I mean… this situation has got to win the grand prize of weirdness at things that happen in pony land, but do you all really have to put up with this multiple times a year?!” Dan asked.

“Well… Pinkie is a special case…”

Dan chuckled, “Special as in ‘needs to attend a class where everyone wears mittens pinned to their jackets all year long’ or special like a snowflake?”

Twilight giggled and waved a hoof about dismissively, “That’s not what I meant… I mean… it’s not uncommon for mares to go loopy this time of year. Usually everypony without a special somepony just figures out a way to keep themselves busy.”

Dan paused as he processed Twilight’s last sentence, “…Was that intentional.”

Twilight’s expression turned confused, “Was what intentional?”

Dan shook his head, “Nothing, never mind.”

The two continued to look at each other as both attempted to sort out something to keep the conversation going.

“You know… this reminds me something.”

“Yeah?” Twilight replied.

“Elise and I were snowed inside a cabin for about a day.”

Twilight chuckled, “From what I’ve heard from Elise, I’m surprised she didn’t try to kill you.”

“What makes you think she didn’t?”

“Touché. So… did you two talk like this?”

“Uh… no… not really,” Dan admitted, “mostly we argued and drove each other up the walls until we figured escape was our only option. We only opened up when we figured we were both going to die.”

Twilight winced, “Glad things aren’t that desperate, here.”

“Speaking of being alone… where the heck is my Accidental Arson Bro?”

“Spike? Well, he said he had some sort of important meeting to go to…”

-ooooooo-

“I mustache you a question,” Spike said as he twirled his bushy mustache.

“Shave it for later,” Button Mash said with a grin. A mustache, likewise, adorning his upper lip.

“But it’s such a hairy issue,” Spike replied as his grin increased.

“Sorry, but we mustache…” A soft voice said.

Spike and Button Mash turned towards Sweetie Belle, who also sported a mustache, and gave her a blank stare.

“Erm... you know… like ‘must dash’?” Sweetie Belle explained as redness crept onto her cheeks.

“…”

“… HeheheheHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Button Mash began a giggle that slowly grew into uproarious laughter,

“Hehehe…  Nice one, Sweetie Belle, jab me…” Spike held out a fist that Sweetie Belle bumped with her forehoof as she grinned.

“Hehehe… I’m so glad I asked you to join the Mustache Meeting,” Button said to Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle grinned, “I must admit, I’m growing attached to it myself.”

“… Pffft! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Button Mash and Spike erupted into hysterical fits of laughter as Button banged his hoof on the table and Spike fell out of his chair.

-ooooooo-

“…Anyhow,” Twilight continued, “it’s probably good he’s not here for… well this…”

“What about orange horse?” Dan asked. “I thought he was in town.”

Twilight sighed, “I sent him to the Princess Summit meeting to take notes for me.

-ooooooo-

“…Does ‘prostitute’ have two or three ‘o’s in it…” Flash Sentry asked.

Cadance raised an eyebrow at the orange pegasus, “One…” she answered.

Flash frowned and crossed out something on the notepad in front of him, “Oh…”

Cadance leaned over and glanced at the sheet Flash was writing on, “P-r-o-s-t-i-t-u-t-e” she spelled out.

“Thanks!” Flash said as he happily wrote the word down.

Shining Armor knitted his brow as he stared at Flash, “Are you… are you writing down literally EVERYTHING that’s being said?”

Flash looked up, “Well… Twilight said for me to take notes…”

“Uh… look… I know my sister can be a stickler for detail, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t need to know every nonsensical insult Celestia shouts…”

“HAIRY TOILET UNCLOGGER!”

“MERROW, HISS!”

Luna sighed wistfully, “Ahhh… that one takes me back…”

“But… but I want to make sure I do a good job…” Flash said meekly.

Cadance chuckled and shook her head, “Oh, leave him be, honey… it’s actually really adorable how hard he tries for Twilight.”

“Uh… adorable?” Flash said as his face flushed red and he rubbed the back of his head with a forehoof.

“Adorable?” Shining Armor asked as he cocked an eyebrow at his wife.

Cadance nodded, “Yes, he actually reminds me how you were like when we first started dating.”

Shining Armor’s face turned bright red, “Uh…Hey Flash, why don’t I take over note taking for a while and you go pay my sister a visit.”

Flash’s face lit up, “Really, sir?”

Shining Armor smiled and nodded as he levitated the notepad and pen over to him, “Yeah, dismissed. I’ll make sure to write down…”

“Inglorious mushroom smoker!”

“HISSSS!”

“… whatever the heck is going on with those two…” Shining Armor finished.

“Thank you, sir!” Flash said as he saluted Shining Armor and dashed away from the table.

Shining Armor turned to his wife, “Was I really that bad when we started dating.”

Cadance raised a hoof to her mouth and giggled, “I have boxes and boxes of your horrible poetry… At least Flash is actually good at that!”

Shining Armor’s ears flopped down around his head as he grinned nervously.

“Huff… puff…” Red faced and perspiring, Celestia’s chest puffed in and out as she took deep breaths, “…alright, I admit those where pretty good, for a flea ridden, collection of mange, that is.”

“Meeerrrow… Hisss…”

Luna raised her forearms onto the table and rested her muzzle against her forehooves, “Oh good, we’ve reached the backhanded compliments portion of the proceedings.”

-ooooooo-

“How do you put up with it all?” Dan asked.

Twilight shot Dan another confused look, “Uh… How do I…?”

“All the crazy pony shenanigans,” Dan interrupted.

Twilight paused and thought about this, “…I can ask the same thing about all the craziness that goes on over there… you know… things that aren’t normally combustible don’t just burst into flames if you push them over, here…”

“Guess we both have our weirdness to deal with…” Dan mused. “Still, you’re like some sort of ruler of all the insane ponies, that’s gotta be rough.”

“Well, I’m still figuring out what my responsibilities are, exactly. I mean… the Mayor still runs most day to day tasks… I just seem to get involved when things get a bit crazy…”

“Which happens like… once a week?” Dan suggested.

Twilight giggled, “Sometimes it sure seems like that…”

“Awww… it’s so nice to see you two getting along…”

Twilight and Dan froze as their eyes slowly drifted to the now conscious pink mare sitting on Dan’s chest.

“Uh… how long was that sleep spell supposed to last?” Dan asked.

“It usually gets me through the night…” Twilight said, “but I didn’t account for using it on a pony who probably already got a full night sleep and has a crazy, fast metabolism…”

“Speaking of getting along…” Pinkie cooed out as she glanced down at Dan with wild, hungry eyes.

Dan’s eye’s shot back to the mirror, he paused briefly as he stared into it, “…Uh, Twilight… you might want to…”

“ON IT!” Twilight said. Twilight’s horn glowed purple and she quickly shot a beam of purple energy through the mirror and into Pinkie.

“Hmmmm…” Pinkie hummed as she closed her eyes and tilted her head slightly, “that feels nice…”

“Uh… Twilight…?” Dan continued.

“She must be getting use to the spell!” Twilight cried. “I’ll up its power…” The purple beam glowed brighter as it increased in size and continued to engulf Pinkie.

Pinkie’s eyelids began to twitch rapidly as her happy smile pulled up into a look of mild euphoria.

“Twilight!” Dan called.

“Just a little more…” Twilight murmured.

The beam increased in intensity and Pinkie closed her eyes and moaned with pleasure,  “Oh YES! Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES…”

“Got her!” Twilight said happily as she ceased hitting Pinkie with the purple beam. “And now to put her to bed…” Twilight’s horn quickly glowed purple once more and another burst of the purple energy hit Pinkie.

The pink mare once again collapsed onto Dan’s chest and she resumed her gentle snoozing.

Twilight’s breathed long, deep breaths in and out of her open mouth. Her lips pulled up into a small smile. “Huff… That did it… puff…  that was fast…” Twilight commented, “I guess I’ll have to start increasing the power on my ‘feel good’ beams…”

Dan nodded, “Good work… now, as I was trying to tell you, you might want to turn around and explain the situation to orange flying horse over there… he looks kinda… broken…”

Twilight’s eyes shot open as her pupils shrank until they were drowning in the ocean of her nervous, purple irises. She swallowed and glanced behind her to see Flash starting at her with an expression that mirrored her own.

“… Uh… I take it now’s not a good time for a visit?” Flash asked.

Twilight merely stared at her coltfriend, her deer in the headlights expression nearly set in stone at the moment. She desperately attempted to work her vocal cords and mouth, but no sound came out.

“You know what?” Flash said as he grinned nervously and his face flushed a brilliant shade of vermilion. “I’ll just… I’ll just catch up with you later,” Flash said as he made his back to the Library door and quietly exited.

Twilight said nothing as she stared at the closed door.

“Uh… Twilight?” Dan said. “Come on, speak to me girl… I’m sure this is not as bad as…”

Twilight’s lower began to tremble as her ears flopped down the side of her head. Hot streams of tears began to fall from her eyes as her breathing turned rapid and shallow.

“… you think…” Dan sighed out. He shook his head as Twilight closed her eyes and began to cry out in a low wail that quickly escalated into loud, sorrowful sobs.

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 84 Twilight Vs. Freak Out

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 84 Twilight Vs. Freak Out-ooooooo-

“Hhhehh…hhhehh..whoua….WHOUAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!”

“Twilight! Calm down! It’s not that big of deal,” Dan assured.

“MY COLTFRIEND JUST WALKED IN ON ME PARTICIPATING IN SOME SORT OF BIZARRE, INTERDIMENSIONAL THREE-WAY! HOW IS THAT NOT A BIG DEAL!?” Twilight screamed.

“Look,” Dan began, “if you just…”

“Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH!” Twilight exclaimed.

“… calm down and think about this.”

“He’s going to break up with me for sure!” Twilight said as she placed her forehooves to either side of her face.

Dan narrowed his eyes slightly, “I’m sure you’ll see your mind is…”

“He must think I’m the weirdest, most perverted…”

Dan’s eye began to twitch, “...running wild and you’re not…”

“...pony in all of Equestria! Oh my gosh!” Twilight’s eyes shot open wide as her pupils shrank to tiny dots, “He’s…”

“…thinking clearly at the moment.” Dan growled out through gritted teeth. “Now, just take a few…”

“…probably never going to speak to me again!” Twilight cried as she wrapped her forearms around her head. “I have to…”

“… deep, calming breaths…” Dan’s head began to tremble with rage.

“…go right now and catch him.”

Twilight’s horn glowed purple and soon the same glow enveloped the door.

“TWILIGHT!” Dan screamed.

“WHAT?!”

“What the heck do you think you’re doing?!”

“I need to catch Flash!” Twilight explained.

“And tell him what, exactly?”

“That I’m not as perverted as he thinks I am,” Twilight replied.

Dan paused. “Twilight, I’m not as perverted as you think I am,” he said calmly.

Twilight knitted her brow as she simultaneously raised an eyebrow, “…Uh… really? Because Pinkie’s mentioned a few things…”

“See?! See how well that works!?”

Twilight’s eyes widened slightly as she considered Dan’s words. “Alright, yeah… it is a tad incriminating sounding…” she admitted.

Dan breathed a small sigh of relief, “There, now that you’re thinking clearly again…”

Twilight’s lips began quivering and she started wailing once again, “WHOUAAAAAAAAAAAHWUAAAAAAAAHWUAAAAAAAAA!”

Dan sighed, “… I can talk you through this…”

Dan heard the door to the apartment slam open and within seconds, Elise was standing in between him and the mirror, red faced and focusing a death beam glare on him.

“DAN! WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO!?” Elise demanded.

“ME!? I didn’t do anything! I’m trying to help!” Dan cried.

Chris quickly sprinted up towards his wife, “Dan!? What…”

“… HWUAAAAAAAAHWUAAAAAAAAA…!”

“You REALLY expect me to believe you, Dan, didn’t cause this and are actually trying to help?!”

Dan narrowed his eyes, “Well, no,” he replied, “mostly because you’re a moron who loves to assume I’m to blame for everyone’s else’s misfortune.”

“…You know, disregarding the moron part, he’s got a point…” Chris said.

Elise turned and glared at her husband, “Seriously?”

 Chris held his hands up defensively, “Look, a few months ago blaming Dan would be playing the odds, but between the trouble Pinkie causes and the fact that there’s now some crazy interdimensional aspect to this whole thing, maybe it really isn’t his fault.

“… HWUAAAAAAAAHWUAAAAAAAAA…!”

From is spot on the floor, Dan motioned to Chris, “See Elise? That’s what a sane, rational person sounds like. Now you try it.”

Elise’s lips pulled up in a sneer and she glowered at Dan, “See! That response! That there is why it’ll be a cold day in Hell before believe you’ve done anything but cause misery!”

 “You know actually,” Chris began, “Dan pointed out just yesterday that the 9th circle of Hell is actually frozen, so…”

“CHRIS! NOT NOW!” Elise cried.

“Uh…right…” Chris replied sheepishly.

“Elise! I know you have a creepy stalker crush on Sparkles and are generally incapable of rational behavior, but if you could give me a few minutes with Twilight, here…”

“DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M GOING TO LEAVE HER ALONE WITH A DEPRAVED LUNATIC LIKE YOU?!”

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Twilight cried. “HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!”

The group went quiet.

Elise paused as he brain desperately tried to make sense of the situation.

“There!” Dan said motioning to Twilight. “Now if you’re done making a spectacle out of yourself, I’d like some time alone to help my friend here!”

“But… but…” Elise protested as her lower lip began to quiver.

Chris sighed and placed his hands on his wife’s shoulders, “Come on honey… let’s just go outside for a bit…”

“But… Dan…” Elise protested.

“I’ve got things completely under control!” Dan declared from his position on the bathroom floor under his unconscious, pony girlfriend.

“It’s…it’s alright, Elise,” Twilight assured as she wiped tears away from her eyes. “We’ll talk soon… I think… I actually think I do need to talk to Dan for a little bit here…”

Elise nodded weakly and allowed Chris to take her out of the apartment.

Dan listened for the sound of the apartment door closing then looked back at Twilight, “Alright, tell me what stupid thing is running through your mind right now and I’ll tell you why you’re stupid for thinking it.”

“Wa…Well… I mean… Flash walked in on us and…sniff… hhhhehh… and…hhehhh”

“No!” Dan cried. “No more crying! Work with me here, Sparkles. You can do this.”

“Okay… well…” Twilight wiped a forearm under her snout, “snniffff… he probably thinks I’m some crazy pervert and now wants nothing to do with me…” Twilight continued meekly.

“Okay, so you see, that right there is…”

Twilight’s lips began to tremble once more. “… so he’s going to break up with me and never talk to me again,” she declared as her voice began to increase in volume as well as speed.

“Uh… Sparkles?”

Twilight’s voice began to raise in pitch as her mind began to run off again, “Sniff… And he’ll probably tell Cadance who’ll tell big brother…”

Dan narrowed his eyes, “Twilight!”

Twilight placed her forefooves on either side of their face, “…Who will tell the other princesses, and they’ll take Spike away from me, because who knowswhat would happen to him if he was left alone with me?!”

“Twilight!” Dan attempted with more force.

“Then Luna and Celestia will announce that I’m a depraved, perverted lunatic as a big, royal announcement…”

“What?! Why would they…”

“And soon all of Equestria will think I’m sort of unhinged, perverted princess and will want nothing to do with me I’ll be alone again!”

“Seriously!” Dan cried. “I know you have a tendency to go off the rails, Sparkler, but you’re trying to see if the train doubles as a submarine at this point!”

“ … I’m just… I’m just a weird, book obsessed mare and nopony will ever love me!” Twilight declared.

“…What? Calm down…”

“THAT’S IT! IT’S OVER! I’M JUST GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER! NO COLTFRIEND, NO FRIENDS AND SURROUNDED BY BOOKS!”

Dan sighed and brought a palm up to his face, “I can’t believe her freak outs can rival Pinkie’s…”

“WHOUAAAAAAAAAAAHWUAAAAAAAAHWUAAAAAAAAA!”

“JUST SHUT UP FOR A FEW SECOND, OKAY?!” Dan shouted.

Twilight chomped at her lower lip and stared at Dan as she attempted to choke back sobs and tears.

“Alright, so… none of that crazy stuff you said matters because orange, flying horse is not going to break up with you,” Dan said.

“You don’t… you don’t know that…”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Believe me I do.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at Dan, “What would YOU do if you were in his position…”

“Uh… wait…” Dan paused and thought for a moment, “You’re asking me what if I would do if I walked in and saw you shooting Pinkie with magic ‘feel good’ beams, while she was startling myself…”

“Uh…” It was Twilight’s turn to stop and think about it, “Not exactly…”

“…Then what are you asking me?”

“I’m asking you if you walked in and saw Pinkie shooting me with…”

“Pinkie isn’t a unicorn,” Dan interrupted.

Twilight frowned, “Fine… she has like… a tool that shoots euphoria via high frequency waves… or something…”

Dan knitted his eyebrow and glanced upwards, or rather, downwards in his case, "...Like some sort of... pleasure inducing... sonic screwdriver?"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" Twilight shouted.

Dan scrunched his lips to one side of his mouth, “I'm just going to roll with it…” He replied.

"Fine, fine..." Twilight replied in a slightly exasperated tone.

“So… I walk in… Pinkie has some sort of ‘feel good’ sonic screwdriver… she’s shooting you from across dimensions… Wait!”

Twilight sighed, “What is it now?

“…Is Pinkie a pony in this scenario?”

“…Uh…” Twilight paused as she tried to figure out what would make the most logical sense here, “No… since you’re most used to her being a human…”

“…But I’m also most used to you being a pony! In fact I’ve never…”

“Dan… just assume I’m human for this scenario, okay?”

Dan scrunched his lips to the left side of his mouth, “…Fine… So… you’re human… Pinkie is shooting you with…. some sort of feel good tool… and you seem to be having the time of your life… and you’re startling… uh…

“Flash,” Twilight stated.

“Okay, so… orange, flying horse… Wait, is…”

“Flash is still a pony in this situation…” Twilight stated.

Dan paused again, “… Okay, we just broke that out play by play and I still don’t know what to make of it.”

“SEE!” Twilight said. “Youdon’t know!”

“No, that’s just it,” Dan replied, “it’s just… wow...” Dan paused and stared off into space.

“What?”

“Uh… I guess it just dawned on me how weird this all is… Anyhow, the weirdness is probably a good thing… er… for you…”

“How can anything in this situation be considered a good thing?!” Twilight demanded.

“Pinkie seems to be enjoying herself,” Dan said as he winked at Twilight.

Twilight folded her arms and shot Dan a glare, “Not funny.”

Dan chuckled, “Alright… Look, I’m living this crazy scenario and I can barely comprehend what’s going on. Orange horse walked in on it without context, he’s probably way too confused to even be angry. He’s probably out sitting somewhere in a near catatonic state as his brain attempts to sort out what he just saw.”

Twilight paused and thought about Dan’s words briefly as she stared at the library ceiling, “…You really think so?”

-ooooooo-

Shining Armor and Cadance cocked their heads slightly as they watched Flash Sentry wordlessly return to his seat and stare blankly off into space.

“Merrrow! Hisssss!” Mr. Mumbles spat out as she continued to glare out of her mirror and argue with Celestia.

“…I’m just saying you should feel quite proud for yourself!” Celestia replied, “I mean, you’ve got to be a paradise for fleas! Imagine how happy all the parasite that live on you must be!”

“Hisssssssssss!”

Celestia frowned, “It’s not my fault I need a series of royal, magical-hair brushers! Everyone expects me to walk around with this shimmering, waving nonsense behind me…”

“Uh… Flash? Are you okay there?” Shining Armor asked.

Flash said nothing as his 1,000 yard stare continued.

“Did… did you and Twilight have a fight?” Cadance asked with a touch of concern.

Flash shook his head.

Luna cocked her head. “Did you walk in on a situation that defined all known bounds of reason and now you are at a complete loss of how to respond?”

Flash nodded his head.

Shining Armor raised an eyebrow as he glanced over at the dark blue alicorn, “How did you know that?”

Luna smiled, “One of our advisors once walked in on a delegate from the southern cat nations mid-coitus with a delegate from the ocean lands.”

Shining Armor and Cadance both cocked an eyebrow and looked at each other before turning back to Luna.

“Do I dare ask what was the species of the of the ocean land delegate?” Cadance said.

“Oh, it was one of the Lords from the whale nations,” Luna explained.

Shining Armor’s and Cadance’s eyes suddenly shot open.

“Wait...” Shining Armor said as grasped the sides of his head with his forehooves, “you’re saying that a southern kitty and a whale lord where somehow doing it?! How does… how does that even work?!”

Luna shook her head, “All I know is our advisor came back and sat down with the same stare Flash Sentry currently has…” Luna pointed a forehoof at Shining Armor, “ Yes… like that, exactly like that…”

Cadance glanced at her husband to see he was now also staring off into space.

“Sniff… hic… IT’S TRUE!” Celestia cried. “I just want everypony to treat like I’m not some sort of walking demi-god! But now it’s expected of me and I can’t get away from it!” Celestia leaned her forearms on the table and buried her face in them as she began to cry, “Whuaaahheeeheeee…!”

“Merow…” Mr. Mumbles uttered sympathetically, as her ears folded down around her head and she pawed at the mirror.

Celestia lifted her head enough to glance at the grey cat and uttered a small, “Thank you” through her tears.

Cadance looked at Luna with a perplexed expression.

Luna just smiled back at her. “This is a good Princess Summit!” she declared.

-ooooooo-

Dan nodded, “Just explain to him what was going on… I mean,” Dan stared up at the ceiling and held a palm up, “I don’t think it will help his confusion any, but I’m sure he’ll get you were only helping…”

“…You… you really think he won’t break up with me?” Twilight asked.

Dan cocked an eyebrow, “Okay… you may not have realized this, but I sure the heck know orange horse has figured out you’re way, way, way out of his league to even give him the time of day, let alone date him.”

Twilight knitted her brow, “What? I’m not out of…”

“You’re a princess and he’s just one of your guards, right?” Dan pointed out.

Twilight thought about this, “Well… I mean… I don’t consider…”

Dan shook his head, “It doesn’t matter if you care or not, just that he cares…”

Twilight pursed her lips as she kept her brow scrunched up, “Do you really think it matters that much to him?”

“Tons of flowers? A big box of chocolate? A giant teddy bear! Poetry!? Yeah, I think it matters,” Dan began to absentmindedly stroke the pony that was on top of him. “Believe me, that guy knows he’s lucky to have you. It’ll take more than him walking on something weird for him to even dream you aren’t worth it.”

Twilight glanced at Dan’s hand as he continued to run it up and down Pinkie’s back. She slowly nodded, “Alright, I believe you…”

Dan nodded, “Good…”

Twilight went quiet as she shifted pensively.

Dan rolled his eyes sighed, “Just go find him…”

Twilight’s eyes widened, “What?! But what about you?!”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine, I mean… she should at least stay down for a little longer.”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow, “And if she doesn’t?”

“Uh… I guess it sucks to be me, then,” Dan answered.

Twilight shook her head, “I won’t leave you Dan.”

“Look, Sparkles it’s okay, go work things out with orange horse.”

“As much as I’d like to, I’m fairly certain that if I leave and Pinkie does wake up and have her way with you, I’ll never be able to forgive myself.”

Dan sighed, “Fine! Stay! Justreel in your inane prattling to normal Sparkler levels.”

Twilight sighed, “Sorry… guess I really went overboard for a bit there,” Twilight said as she glanced away and sheepishly rubbed the back of her head with a forehoof. “It’s been a pretty taxing last couple of days…”

Dan rolled his eyes, “You don’t say.”

Twilight sniggered, “Well, I know things are pretty rough over there, but I’m the one who had to transform Pinkie into a bunch of weird things in an attempt to get her back to human…”

“… Here’s an idea!” Dan announced cheerfully. “Everyone who got sucked into another dimension the other day and had to fight their way out raise their hand,” Dan said as he raised a hand in the air.

Twilight chuckled and shook her head, “Alright, you wi…”

“Dan, I don’t have a hand to raise…” Pinkie uttered as she continued to lay on top of Dan with her eyes closed.

Dan and Twilight froze as their concerned eyes focused all their attention on Pinkie.

“Uh… I mean… Snore! Zeeeee….”

Dan smacked a palm against his face, “Goofball, if you’re pretending to be asleep you’re not supposed to say ‘snore’ and ‘zee’.”

“… Whoops…” Pinkie said as she opened her eyes.

Twilight warily eyed the pink mare, “How long have you been awake?”

“Erm… Whenever it was Twilight first started crying and screaming…” Pinkie replied.

“So… almost immediately after she knocked you out, then…” Dan said.

“Uh… How do you feel?” Twilight asked Pinkie.

Pinkie looked up at Twilight, “Like my insides are on fire and only Dan has the hose to put it out.”

Twilight cringed, Dan also cringed but chuckled as he did it.

“You seem to be showing an awful lot of restraint,” Dan commented. “I’m impressed.”

“Well, between Twilight’s uh… treatments… and getting to hear you two get along for a change, I managed to hold it together for a little bit.”

Dan gulped, “A little bit?”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip a bit and looked down at Dan, “I’m really, really sorry… but… this is really hard…”

“Hey, it’s alright…” Dan said soothingly as he began to run his hand over Pinkie’s mane, “…we’ll figure it out…”

“…Dan, it’s probably in your best interest that you stop stroking my mane,” Pinkie informed, “it’s not exactly helping me maintain control, here…”

“Uh… sure…” Dan said as he lifted his hand of the pink pony’s curly mane.

Pinkie looked up at Twilight with big, watery sky-blue eyes and a quivering lip, “Twilight… I’m really sorry I’m putting you through this and made you scare Flash off…”

Twilight smiled and shook her head, “It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not Twilight.” Pinkie said. “You’ve had two miserable days and it’s all my fault!”

“Pinkie, it’s not your fault,” Twilight insisted, “you can’t help that you’re a pony now or in heat.”

“But…” Pinkie protested.

Twilight smiled warmly at her friend, “Look, we’ll get through this just like we’ve gotten through all our other adventures and like we’ll get through anything else the universe has to throw at us.”

Pinkie smiled happily and nodded, “Alright, Twilight.”

“… But this one will still be the weirdest, right?” Dan asked.

Twilight frowned and stared off into space, “Oh Celestia, I sure hope so…”

Dan and Pinkie grinned at each other and soon broke into a fit of laughter.

 Twilight smiled at the couple and soon found herself joining in their happy outburst.

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 85 Pinkie Vs. Needle

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 85 Pinkie Vs. Needle-ooooooo-

“I guess you better call Elise and Chris back in, huh?” Pinkie suggested to her boyfriend.

“But I’m having such a lovely time on the floor,” Dan said sarcastically has he rolled his eyes.

“I can make it so you really enjoy it~!” Pinkie sang out.

Twilight chuckled as Dan quickly thrust his hand into his jeans pocket and pulled out his smartphone.

“I’m calling! I’m calling!” Dan declared has he reached for his phone.

-o-

“Hic…Hhehhh…hehh… But I was just trying to help!” Elise declared shrilly as she choked back tears.

She and Chris sat in the front seats of a large white van that was parked in front of Casa Paradiso.

“I know, honey,” Chris said as he rested a comforting hand on his wife’s shoulder, “but both Dan and Twilight seem to be having a really tough time with Pinkie… maybe they bonded over it.”

“But… but…that’s not fair!” Elise declared. “I was the one who was supposed to bond with the magical alicorn princess over this experience! She even hated Dan just a bit ago! Sniff… And then she yelled at me because I got angry with him! IT’S JUST NOT FAIR! Whouaaahhehhhhhehhhh…”

Chris paused as he heard his phone ring. He reached into his pocket, pressed the screen, and placed the phone next to his ear. “Hey, Dan.”

“Chris! I need you two to get back in here toot sweet and… is Elise crying?!”

“Yeah, Dan… she took Twilight yelling at her pretty hard,” Chris explained.

Elise quickly dried her eyes as the opened up wide, “Hey! Don’t tell him that!”

Dan sighed heavily, “Is it universal freak out day for everyone?!” Dan cried. “Everywhere I turn it’s people fainting and crying and losing their damned minds! MY GIRLFRIEND IS A DIFFERENT SPECIES THAN ME, HAS EATEN MY SHIRT, AND IS FIGHTING THE URGE TO GET BUSY WITH ME FROM ON TOP OF MY CHEST! And yet, somehow, I’ve managed to not make an idiot out of myself today! Could everyone just please just get it together for a few measly hours!?”

Chris put on an unamused expression. “So I take it you’re ready for us to come back in?” he asked flatly.

“That would be good,” Dan replied. He pressed a button on his screen and terminated the call.

Twilight and Pinkie exchanged quick frowns and looked back at Dan, “Sorry, Dan…” they uttered simultaneously.

Dan sighed, “Don’t worry about it…”

“Don’t worry, Dan!” Pinkie said with a smile. “I’ll cheer you up.”

Dan gave his girlfriend a suspicious look, “Uh, that’s okay Pinkie… I’m… what are you doing?”

Pinkie suddenly began wiggling her body from on top of Dan. The attentive, focused look started to give way to the hungry, slightly crazed look Dan was used to seeing. “Just think,” Pinkie said as her lips begin to widen into a large smile, “there’s just a thin layer of cotton separating the two of us…”

Dan swallowed and leaned his head back to get a look at Twilight, “We’re losing her, Sparkles.”

“I noticed,” Twilight said with a touch of concern as Pinkie leaned her face down next to Dan’s and began sniffing his hair.

“Pa…Pinkie?” Dan stuttered out. “Stay with me. remember how sorry you were for all this just a bit ago?”

“Oh Yeaaaaah…” Pinkie said trailing off with a smile, “… noooooo…” she added with a frown. She quickly smiled again, “Hey Dan! Guess what! Guess what! Guess what, guess what, guesswhat, guesswhat, guesswhat!”

Dan sighed, “I smell nice?”

“You smell…” Pinkie’s eyes and smile grew wide and wild, “Oooh, are you psychic…?”

Dan shook his head, “Just good at guessing.”

Pinkie grinned and began to shimmy lower on Dan’s body, “Can you guess what’s going to happen next?”

Dan swallowed and leaned his head back to look at Twilight, “Uh… Twilight?”

Twilight looked at Dan with a pensive grin, “You don’t think Flash or someone else would just randomly barge in again, do you?”

Dan furrowed his brow at the purple alicorn, “You could always… oh I don’t know… LOCK THE DOOR!”

“Oh...” Twilight replied as her eyes widened slightly in realization, “…right,” she added with a sheepish grin.

Dan felt his jeans slowly drift from his legs to down around his legs. “SPARKLER! HURRY IT UP!”

“Hiya, Twilight!” A voice called from the mirror.

Dan smacked a palm against his face.

“Spike!” Twilight called out in alarm, “Now is not a good time!”

“Uh… it’s not a good time to come home?” Spike asked in a confused tone.

Twilight nodded, “Yes!”

“Uh… are we interrupting?” Chris asked as he stood into the doorway and raised an eyebrow.

“Hiya, Chris!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she pulled Dan’s jeans down to around his ankles.

“Chris! Get out of the way of the mirror!” Dan commanded.

“No, Chris!” Twilight called out in a pleading tone. “Please stay exactly where you are!”

Chris put on a confused expression and froze in place

“Uh… what’s going on?” Spike asked.

“NOTHING! Go BACK outside!” Twilight commanded.

Elise poked her head into the room, “Uh… hey guys… can I come in, now?”

“I can take a seeing a few weird monsters, Twilight,” Spike insisted.

“That’s NOT the problem!” Twilight cried.

“Then what is the problem!?” Spike asked.

“SPARKLER! SHE’S MAKING HER WAY BACK UP MY LEGS!” Dan cried.

Pinkie giggled.

“IN A MOMENT, DAN!” Twilight called back.

“I DON’T HAVE A MOMENT!”

“Maybe I can help,” Elise said as she produced a small, metal, chrome cylindrical object that seemed to encase a light blue liquid of some sort. She walked into the bathroom and leaned down next to Dan and Pinkie. She ran a couple fingers over Pinkie’s forearm.

Pinkie looked up at Elise and the device in her hand, “Oh! Are you joining in?” She asked with a smile.

Dan looked at the item quizzically, “Don’t tell me that thing emits high frequency pleasure waves.”

 “No, and no,” Elise informed as she gave a nod to Dan then Pinkie. She pulled out a black, felt pen and made a mark on Pinkie’s arm. “It’s an injection,” she informed.

Pinkie suddenly froze.

Dan frowned, “You’re going to inject Pinkie with the T-virus? I’m not that desperate!”

Elise furrowed her brow at Dan, “No Dan, it’s just a sedative.”

Pinkie looked up at Elise, the wild hungry look began to flee from her face is a fearful look quickly took root and grew to every inch of the pink mare’s face, “Uh…injection? As in shot? As in…” Pinkie gulped, “…needle?”

Elise took note of her friend’s pensive look, “It’s alright, Pinkie… it’s just a small needle…”

Pinkie suddenly dove off of Dan and placed her back against the end of the bathroom, “Well, would you lookie there!” she said as she forced a worried smile onto her face. “Looks like my heat went away just in time!”

Dan took this opportunity and grabbed his jeans and pulling them back up around his boxers. He quickly pulled up the zipper and stood back on his feet.

“Wait… what’s going on?” Twilight asked.

Chris looked behind him and glanced at the purple alicorn, “Apparently the prospect of getting a shot has sudden, urge reducing properties on Pinkie… except for the urge to not get a shot…”

Twilight nodded, “Makes sense, Pinkie does suffer from needle phobia…”

“Can I stay now?” Spike asked.

“GEE! Sure does seem like my strong, near uncontrollable urge to ride Dan until he can’t tell up from down is gone!” Pinkie said as she attempted to force a convincing smile.

“…What? Ride?” Spike asked.

Twilight smacked a forehoof against her face and shook her head, “Spike, why don’t you take a nice, long, bubble bath?”

“Uh, sounds great Twilight, but I’m actually hungry…” Spike replied.

Twilight sighed, “Spike, go take a bath and I’ll bring you dinner.”

Spike’s eyes widened as his jaw nearly unhinged, “You’re going to let me eat in the tub?!” he cried. “Can I… can I get ice cream?!”

“Sure! Fine! Whatever! Just go!” Twilight said.

Spike beamed from ear to ear. “Alright Twilight! You’re the best roommate ever!” Spike declared as he rushed for the bathroom.

Elise tossed a look over to Dan, “It’s you who really has to deal with this. What do you think?”

Dan cocked an eyebrow as he removed the near useless tatters of his black t-shirt from his body, “I think my wardrobe is now down a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and that the last hour has been really, really weird. I’d like to at least reestablish some normalcy here.”

Chris, Elise, and Twilight all glanced at Dan and raised an eyebrow at him.

Dan folded his arms over his bare chest and rolled his eyes, “Relatively speaking, of course.”

“Pa-pa-pa-PLEASE DAN!” Pinkie cried. “I’ll be good! I promise.” Tears began to stream from Pinkie’s eyes as she continued to stand on her back legs and press herself against the wall and window behind her. “Don’t give me a ShoOoOoOoOoOoOT!”

Elise put on an earnest smile, “You’ll barely feel it! I promise!”

“But it’s going to HurURurURurURurURT!” Pinkie cried as she puffed out her lower lip and tears continued to fall from her eyes.

“Pinkie!” Twilight called. “I’m sorry, but I think this has to be done! We can’t really help you if you’re going to attach yourself to Dan!”

Pinkie’s eyes frantically darted from the item in Elise hand to all of her friends. Without warning she turned and attempted to open the window.

“Pinkie! Wait!” Twilight pleaded, “You can’t go outside!”

“She won’t…” Dan said.

“GAAAH!” Pinkie screeched in frustration. “STUPID NAILS!” she cried as she glared angrily at the nails she herself had hammered in earlier.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned with a panicked expression.

Dan stood mere inches away from her and regarded her with a soft look. “Hey, it’ll be alright…”

Pinkie shook her head as she bit her lower lip and tears poured from her eyes. “Na…no it won’t!” Pinkie sobbed out. “It’s going to hurt!”

“Look, if you can promise to keep yourself under control, we won’t have to give you the injection.”

Pinkie made a loud, phlegmy sniff, “Snnifffgh…Really?!” Pinkie said hopefully.

Dan wrapped an arm around Pinkie’s shoulders, “I swear on my mother's life,” he answered softly.

“Thanks Dan,” Pinkie said as she closed her eyes and leaned her body against Dan, wrapping her arms around him in a hug, “you’re the best boyfriend ever…sniff…sniff…Also, you smell ni-OUCH!”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought…” Dan said as he pulled the injection device out of the black mark on Pinkie’s arm.

Pinkie quickly pushed Dan away, “You son of a BIIIiiiiiiiiiii…” Pinkie’s eyes rolled back in her head as it wobbled from side to side. She quickly fell to the floor in a heap with a soft ‘Thump.’.

Dan passed the injection device back to Elise, “Jokes on you, I hate my mom.” Dan turned to Elise. “How long will that keep her under control?”

Elise shrugged, “With Pinkie’s metabolism, who knows? I erred on the side of caution in regards to her body weight, too…  I didn’t want to hurt her.”

Twilight breathed a relieved sigh, “Phew…Good work, Elise. Maybe we can finally make some progress here.”

Elise beamed wide and nodded at Twilight.

Pinkie began to giggle crazily from the floor.

Everyone glanced down at the pink mare.

“Pinkie,” Dan began in an inquisitive tone, “are you okay?”

“Daaaaan… hehehehehehe… the floor feels AWESOME-POSSUM!” she declared. “Come feel it with me!”

“Uhhh… that’s okay,” Dan said. “I just spent an hour down there, I remember how it feels.”

Pinkie looked up at Dan with large, glassy eyes. Her pupils had dilated to the point where her sky-blue irises where barely visible, “But what if the floor has changed since then?”

Dan looked up at Elise with a knitted brow and raised eyebrow and motioned to Pinkie with both hands.

“What!” Elise protested, “She’s a pink pony from another dimension! All I could do is treat her like a medium-sized mammal and hope for the best! How would I know she’d start acting weird…?”

Everyone turned and stared at Elise.

“Alright, weirder…” Elise stressed.

“Well, she’s pretty strange even by pony standards,” Twilight pointed out. “At least she’s relatively calm, now.”

Pinkie began to lick the side of the bathtub, “Hehehehe… The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!” she announced as before going back to licking the side of the tub.

“What the heck was in that thing?!” Dan demanded.

“Uh… horse tranquilizer,” Elise said with a nervous grin.

“… Your plan was to drug Pinkie?!” Dan shouted. “She already acts like she’s on drugs!” he said as he emphatically motioned out with his hands. “I know thinking isn’t your strong suite, but how could you possibly think that was a good idea?!”

“What! She’s a horse, so I gave her something for horses!” Elise said. “I thought it was a pretty safe bet.”

“Ohmygosh, GUYS!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Hehehehe… I just was just thinking how awesome it would be if I were my favorite color and it worked!”

 Dan glanced down at Pinkie then back up to Elise. “You know what?” he said. “I’m just going to take this one. Pinkie’s not screaming or trying to tear my clothes off…” Dan’s eyes shot open wide as he felt arms wrap around his legs, he stared down as Pinkie began enthusiastically rubbing her cheek against his jeans. “Uh… Goofball? What are you doing?”

“Your jeans feel like BLUE!” Pinkie announced.

“Riiiiiight…” Dan said as he looked down at the pink mare. He turned to look at Chris, “Hey, Monkey-face, would you mind grabbing Pinkie? Kinda hoping she’s not going to attach herself to me again”

“Uh… sure Dan…” Chris reached down and hooked his hands under Pinkie’s arms.

“Hehehe… That tickles,” Pinkie said.

Chris lifted the pink pony up. To everyone’s relief, she didn’t wrap her arms around Dan this time.

“Whooaaa…” Pinkie said as Chris held her up above the ground. “Am I… am I a pegasus now?! I think I’m flying!”

Chris backed up a few steps towards the bathroom doorway.

Dan looked at Twilight, “I think you’re good to go find orange horse.”

Twilight sighed, “Love to, except I just promised a baby-dragon lunch.”

Dan frowned, “Hang in there, Twilight.”

“Duuuuuuuuude…” Pinkie uttered as she stared at her hooves. “My hooves are huuuuuuuge!” She announced as she held her hooves away from each other.“They can touch anything but themselves…” Pinkie slowly placed her hooves together, “Oh wait…”

“Yeah, you too, Dan,” Twilight said with a small smile as she trotted out of sight.

Elise whimpered quietly.

“What?” Chris whispered.

“Why does Dan get to have a moment with Twilight? I want to have a moment!” Elise whispered back.

“Moments… moments… moments…” Pinkie began to murmur, “Here now but gone in a… moment… tee-hee! I’m a poet and didn’t know it!” Pinkie gasped. “Hey! That rhymed.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Chris and Elise, “You two dorks know this is a tiny bathroom and I’m standing literally a few feet from you and can hear everything you’re saying, right?”

Elise puffed put her lower lip, “Okay but… now that Pinkie isn’t in constant need of attention…”

“Oooo! Cotton candy!” Pinkie cried as she snatched a lock of her hair and shoved it in her mouth, “Om nom nom…Oh sfweet Ceffesfia! Iffs swooo goooood! If’s beffer than I could have dreaffed!”

“Uh… magic attention…” Elise corrected, “…do you think I can spend some time with Twilight? You know… for the sake of turning Pinkie back.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Yes, yes, you two nerds can talk science stuff and geek out to your hearts’ content. I’m sure you two will get on like an orphanage on fire. Chris and I can keep an eye on Pinkie.”

Pinkie stared off into space as she raised one of her back legs up to her mouth and and absentmindedly gnawed on her hoof.

Elise grinned wide. “Thanks Dan!” she said as she leaned down to plant a small peck on the short man’s cheek. “You’re the best.”

Chris’s and Dan’s jaws unhinged as Dan raised a hand up to his cheek.

Elise stared back at Dan as the color began to drain from her face.

“El…Elise?” Dan stammered out. “Did you… did you just …?”

“Uh… you know? There’s no telling what just happened…” Elise offered.

“Guys?” Pinkie interrupted, “I think I’m really bucking high… I’m sure I just saw Elise smooch Dan on the cheek.” Pinkie's eye suddenly shot open wide, "Also, there's a magic leprechaun who keeps showing up to grant me wishes!"

Elise froze and place and stared slack jawed out into open space.

“Right, everyone out of the bathroom,” Dan commanded. “I think I’ve earned the right to freak out, here.”

“Sa…sure Dan…” Chris stammered out.

“Do I have to smooch Chris’s cheek?” Pinkie asked.

“Uh… no…” Dan replied as he knitted his brow at the pink mare.

Pinkie frowned, “Oh, I’m pretty sure I do…” Pinkie gasped, “… otherwise the universe will be out of balance!”

Dan sighed, “You know what? I don’t even care. Go ahead, give his cheek a good lick!”

“YAY!” Pinkie said enthusiastically.

“Wait, Dan-WHOA!” Chris cried as Pinkie squirmed in his grip to face the tall man. She threw herself at Chris causing him to fall backwards into the hall and began enthusiastically licking his cheek.

“Hehehe… Your cheek taste like bacon!” Pinkie declared.

“Uh… Thanks… I-OW! Stop biting!” Chris said.

“Dan, do you still have Everclear?” Elise asked. “I need to sanitize my lips… and maybe get a little drunk.”

Dan nodded, “It’s under the sink.”

“Right…” Elise quickly swiveled on her feet and stepped out into the hall. “You’re driving,” she announced to Chris as she stepped over her husband and the pink pony that was busily attacking his face.

“Pinkie?” Dan called.

Pinkie suddenly shot up and twisted her head nearly 180 degrees to face Dan with a sickening sounding, ‘crack’, “Yes Dan, my boyfriend, my lover-dover?”

Dan flinched at Pinkie’s bizarre ability to turn her head to such an extreme angle. “Go uh… go wrap yourself in the bed sheets and pretend you’re a burrito.”

Pinkie’s eyes shot open as she opened her mouth wide, “THAT’S THE BEST IDEA ANYONE HAS EVER HAD EVER!” She announced.

“Yeah, I know,” Dan said. He looked at Chris, “Hopefully you can smuggle her out if she’s covered.”

Chris nodded, “Oh, good thinking.

Pinkie looked down at Chris, “Chris! CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS!”

“Uh… yeah Pinkie?” Chris replied with a confused expression.

“Hi, Chris.” Pinkie replied.

“Uh… Hey, Pinkie.”

Dan sighed and closed the door to the bathroom and walked over to the bath, he turned the handle on the facet to as hot as it would go and let the water run.

Now to see if I can scrub an entire layer of skin off my cheek…

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 86 Pinkie Vs. Ketamine

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 86 Pinkie Vs. Ketamine-ooooooo-

“Chris! CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS!” Pinkie repeated.

“Uh, Hi, Pinkie.”

Pinkie giggled, “Silly Chris, you already said hi to me. Silly Chris…” Pinkie’s expression suddenly became incredibly serious. “I need you to help me with an important task!”

“Uh… sure Pinkie, what do you need?” Chris asked.

Pinkie leaned her face in close to Chris, “When I wrap myself up in a blanket and pretend I’m a burrito, I need you to dump salsa on me so I can get in character.”

Chris paused, “Can I… can I eat some of the salsa before pouring it on you?”

Pinkie nodded, “Yes, you may.”

 Chris smiled, “Alright! Let’s do this!”

Pinkie bounded off towards the bedroom as Chris raised to his feet and and rushed for the kitchen.

Elise held an open bottle of Everclear and gargled, quickly followed by her swallowing. She rapidly shook her head back and forth. “Man, that burns!” She declared.

“Hey, beautiful,” Chris greeted.

“Hey, handsome,” Elise replied. “What’s up?”

“I’m helping Pinkie become a burrito,” Chris explained as he opened the fridge and pulled a jar of salsa out.

Elise took a quick swig of the Everclear, and set it on the counter as she began to sputter and cough, “Cough… cough…Of course you are… How about we get the mirror and Pinkie into the van before I’m too drunk to lift anything and she’s too messy to take anywhere.”

Chris scooped up a handful of salsa in his hand and ladled it into his mouth, “Gwood Idwea!”

-ooooooo-

Dan opened the door to his bathroom and peered out. He noted that the mirror had been moved from its position of right inside the bedroom. As he looked further he noticed a note taped to his bedroom door that read, ‘Mirror and Pinkie in van, waiting on you.’ He walked out with a towel around his waist. Water dripped from his hair and one of his cheeks was bright red. He snatched the note and examined it, knitting his brow as he did.

Well… it’s curt, so probably Elise… but I thought her handwriting was a tad… less sloppy.

He shrugged and crumpled the note, throwing it over his shoulder. He walked into the bedroom and quickly got dressed in his usual attire of ‘JERK’ shirt and jeans.

Dan quickly exited the apartment and made his way down the steps to the white van parked in front of Casa Paradiso. He slowly opened the sliding door and peered inside.

Elise was the first one to great him, or rather see him. She parted fingers that were covering her face and peered at Dan with one eye. She then motioned him inside with a hand that held a bottle of Everclear.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at her and stepped into the van where he was hit by the strong scent of alcohol and a collection of familiar smells. “Alright, the alcohol I get,” Dan said, “but why does it smell like a Mexican restaurant in here?”

Elise sighed and pointed towards the end of the van.

“Oh…” Dan muttered as he stared into the back of the van

“I’m a burrito!” Pinkie announced happily as her head stuck out from the collection of blankets and bed sheets she was wrapped in.

This was not what caught Dan’s attention, however. Dan was much more focused and concerned with the pile of beans and salsa that had been heaped upon his blanket covered pony girlfriend and the man who was busily grating cheese onto it.

Dan smacked a palm against his forehead then slowly pulled it all the way down his face. “Monkey-face, what the heck are you doing?” Dan asked in a tired tone. “Please tell me you haven’t confused Pinkie wrapped in blankets for an actual burrito and are planning to eat her.”

“Dan, I know you don’t put much stock in my intelligence, but give me some credit,” Chris replied.

Dan rolled his eyes, “Fine. Explain yourself.”

“I’m helping Pinkie get in character,” Chris informed.

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb, forefinger and middle finger as he clenched his eyes closed. “Great Chris. You really restored my opinion of your intellect there.”

“Well it was Pinkie’s idea!” Chris declared.

Dan opened in eyes a bit kept his fingers in place. “Pinkie’s ideas are bad on a good day!”

“The future is in the PAST!” Pinkie declared. “ONWARDS AIOSHIMA!” she cried as she pointed a hoof out into open space.

Dan motioned to Pinkie, “Today, Pinkie is having an off day, so off in fact, that she’s no longer on this planet! She's in deep space charting new courses in crazy land!” He continued, “So her ideas are horrendously bad, and you are an idiot for going along with them.”

Chris shot Dan an angry glare, “Oh yeah! Well…” Chris trailed off and frowned.

Dan folded his arms, “You don’t actually have anything to say in defense of yourself, do you?”

Chris sighed and let his arms drop to his sides, “No… no I do not.”

“You did this because you figured you could snack on anything you dumped on her, didn’t you?”

“Uh… yeah…” Chris admitted. “…I’m not even going to try to deny that…”

“Snack rhymes with yak!” Pinkie cried. “COINCIDENCE?!

Dan sighed, “Yes, goofball, it is!”

“THAT’S JUST WHAT THE ILLUMIYAKI WANT YOU TO BELIEVE!” Pinkie cried as she pointed a forehoof at Dan.

Dan’s eye twitched briefly before he heard the sound of something sloshing in a bottle. He turned to see a red faced Elise offering him the open bottle of Everclear.

“Wanna hit?” Elise asked. “It takes the edge off…”

Dan grabbed the bottle and placed it up to his lips, he tilted his head and bottle back and took a giant swig. Gulping it down with nary a reaction.

A hint of admiration entered Elise’s expression as he lowered the bottle, “Wow Dan, I’m impressed. You took a swig of that stuff without flinching.”

Dan glanced at her, “You think this burns, you should try tear gas.”

“That’s quite the pain tolerance you have there, that stuff is like… what? 90… 95 percent ethanol?”

Dan turned towards the back of the van again, this time focusing on the mirror that was secured in place with a number of ropes. “Thanks Sparkler, how’s it going?”

Twilight stared up at Dan from the collection of books and spells in front of her and shrugged, “I’ve accepted that there’s simply a new level of surrealism to my life I’m going to have to deal with until we figure this out.”

Dan nodded, “I hear that.” He turned to Elise, “Are you too drunk to do science?”

Elise narrowed her eyes and shot Dan a smirk, “I’m never too drunk to do science.”

Dan and Twilight exchanged a quick, moderately concerned glance.

“Uh… good enough… I guess…” Dan said. He turned to Chris, “Hey, fatty-fat- fat- fat, stop stuffing your face with all the stuff you’ve dumped on my blanket covered girlfriend and drive us to your home.

“But I’m delicious!” Pinkie protested.

Chris grinned sheepishly as he lowered his bean, cheese, and salsa covered hand from his mouth and walked towards the front of the van.

Dan walked towards the back of the van and sat in between Pinkie and the mirror.

“How you holding up, goofball?”

“There’s a lot of things you can eat that aren’t food!” Pinkie replied.

“Truth!” Chris shouted from the front of the van.

Dan sighed and took another quick swig from the bottle he was holding, “Yeah, that’s what I thought…”

Twilight shot the short man a sympathetic look, “Don’t worry Dan. We’ll get her back soon.”

Dan sighed, “I hope so, Twilight.” He looked down as Pinkie grabbed his shoe, brought it up to her mouth, and began gnawing on it. “I really do…”

-ooooooo-

Chris examined his surroundings as he sat in a clean looking, chrome, metal chair. The walls were grey and barren, much like pretty much everything else he had seen in what he could only describe as an underground secret lair. The monotony of the plain surroundings was broken by equipment and fantastic, if somewhat frightening looking, devices that were spread across the complex. This room in particular sported something more benign looking, a set of laboratory equipment on top of a counter, and a rather large looking super computer with a couple of monitors and other peripherals attached. Pinkie sat in front of the equipment as Elise knelt in front of the pink pony.

Next to Chris lounged Dan in another metal chair, and next to him sat Pinkie’s ornate mirror. Through the mirror was Twilight, who still laid on her stomach in her library with scrolls and spells spread around her. She looked out the mirror with focused interest at Elise and the equipment she was using.

“I can’t believe all this is attached to the shed,” Chris declared as he looked around. “This place is bigger than our house.”

“Well… I promised I wouldn’t take my work in the house anymore,” Elise replied, “so I had to have a little work area created for myself.”

“I guess it beats the near constant threat of radiation or poisonous gas exposure,” Chris mused.

Elise held up a small blue funnel attached to a small plastic tube in front of Pinkie’s face, “Spit please”

Pinkie’s eyes rolled back in her head as she scrunched her muzzle up and made a phlegmy sound, “Sniiiffghghg…pttouhh…”

“HA!” Dan cried as Pinkie spat a massive, viscous glob of saliva all over the funnel, the tube, Elise’s hand, and Elise’s face.

Elise shot the pink pony an annoyed glance as she wiped thick, gooey substance from off her face. “Pinkie, I just needed you to get a sample into the funnel,” she explained.

“But I have so much juice to share!” Pinkie cried. She gave Elise a mad grin, “Especially with Dan.”

Elise looked across the sterile, concrete room to Dan, “I think the tranquilizer is starting to wear off.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “I got it…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a three inch long cylindrical device and hit a button on it. Suddenly, a glowing red dot appeared on the wall across from him.

Pinkie gasped, “My tiny, glowing red friend is back!” She tilted her head as she stared at the dot. “Hello glowing, red friend! Please let me hold you!” Pinkie galloped over to the wall and started batting at the red dot as Dan moved the laser pointer. “NO! Come back glowing red friend! LET PINKIE LOVE YOU!” Pinkie said as she ran back and forth across the room and desperately batted her forehoofs against the wall.

“Do you really think that will hold her interest for long?” Twilight asked.

“TEACH ME YOUR MYSTERIOUS RED, GLOWING WAYS!” Pinkie cried.

“Yes,” Dan replied simply.

“Uh… fair enough,” Twilight replied.

From her chair in front of her computer setup Elise frowned, “Well… that’s unexpected.”

“What is it, Elise?” Twilight asked.

“I can’t seem to get a good reading on Pinkie’s DNA,” Elise explained, “there seems to be a number of other foreign components mixed with it.”

“So what you’re saying is you’re useless,” Dan said snidely, “surprise, surprise.”

Elise shot Dan a glare.

“Dan,” Twilight said in a somewhat maternal tone, “give Elise a chance. Pinkie’s not from your dimensions and also can do a number of things we haven’t even been able to explain. I’m sure given enough time here, we’ll start coming up with some useful data.”

Elise smiled at Twilight. “Thank you Twilight,” she said earnestly, “at least someone here appreciates what science can offer.”

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes, “Fine whatever… Just hurry it up! I don’t want to spend all day faking my girlfriend out with a laser pointer.”

“GOTCHA!” Pinkie said as she placed both her forehooves over the dot. The dot quickly appeared on her forearm. “Ooo, a quick one, eh? Bet you didn’t count on this~!” She sang as placed her mouth over the dot and bit down. “OUCH! IT STUNG ME!”

“…As oddly entertaining as it is,” Dan added.

Elise squeezed a pipette over a small, rectangular glass microscope slide, allowing a drop of Pinkie’s saliva to fall out. She carefully picked up a small, square glass cover slip and placed it over the droplet of viscous, translucent material. She slid the slide under a microscope and peered into the scope. “No… it can’t be… ” she murmured in disbelief.

“What?” Chris asked as Dan and Twilight looked on in interest.

Elise shook her head and sighed. “Chris, hit the lights,” she said.

Chris complied and the room went dark.

“Ha, ha!” Pinkie said. “You fool! Now that I have waited for nightfall, you are even easier to spot!” she cried as she continued to chase the red back and forth on the wall.

Elise hit a button on her microscope and a round image projected onto the wall in front of her.

Twilight’s mouth unhinged as she stared at the image, “I don’t believe it…”

Dan sighed, “I do…”

“Hey, where’d Mr. Red Shiny go....” Pinkie paused and looked up at the image that was being projected. “Hey! That looks fun!” she cried.

The round image projected a number meandering, clear round creatures suspended in a watery substance. However, these creatures sported party hats, noisemakers, and seemed to be engaged in a rousing game of ‘pin the flagellum on the bacteria’.

 “Wait… so whatever is in Pinkie is having a party?!” Chris cried.

Twilight shook her head, “This can’t be happening! This is not scientifically possible!”

“Honestly, the most surprising thing here is you’re all surprised,” Dan said. He knitted his brow at Twilight. “What’s with the mug? Are you drinking?”

Twilight tilted her head back and emptied the contents of a wooden mug into her mouth. She set the mug down next to her and wiped a bit of foam from her mouth. “What!” she protested. “Everyone else was drinking! I was starting to feel left out.” Her expression softened slightly, “Also, I needed something to take the edge off. It’s been a weird couple days.”

Dan sighed. “I’ll drink to that,” he declared as he reached down for the Everclear bottle next to his chair, raised it, and took a swig.

“Chris, turn the lights back on,” Elise commanded.

Chris did as asked.

Elise opened up a cupboard under her counter and fished out her largest funnel.

“Hey Elise?! What’s going in there?! Is there fun in there?! Are you hoarding fun?! Tell me! TELL ME! TELL ME! TELLMETELLMETELLME!”

“Dan could you…?”

Dan turned his laser pointer back on and shook it about, allowing the dot to dart randomly across the room’s floor.

“BACK FOR MORE, EH!” Pinkie cried. “HAVE AT YOU!” she said as she began chasing the dot again.

Elise rigged her large funnel up to another small tube. She turned to Dan, “Thanks, Dan. That’ll do.”

Dan hit a button on his laser pointer.

Pinkie gasped, “He vanished!” Her expression immediately turned serious. “I will not rest, I will not eat, I will not do anything else until the red glowing dot is…”

“Pinkie?” Elise asked. “I need you to spit into this funnel,” she said as she held the item up in front of her face.

“Oh! Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said enthusiastically. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she scrunched her muzzle up and made another phlegmy sound; this one louder and more drawn out than the last, “Snffiiiffffghghgghg…pttoughgh…”

“Oh, COME ON!” Elise cried as she lowered the phlegm covered funnel, the same substance clung to most of her body.

“So much juice!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Dan quickly erupted into a fit of laughter “Pffft…HAHAHAHAHAHA…!” He fell out of his chair with a soft, ‘Thud’ and continued his laughing fit from the floor, “…HAHAHAHAHA…!”

“Uh…should I get you a towel?” Chris offered.

Elise sighed, “Don’t bother, who knows what other fluids Pinkie might share with me before the day is out…”

Dan paused… “Alright, I’m kinda icked out by that last statement…”

“It’s okay, Dan,” Pinkie said, “I’ll share most my fluids with you!”

“Alright, now I’m really icked out!”

“You know…” Twilight said, “I’m kinda glad I’m in another dimension at the moment… It’s cleaner, here,” she added.

Elise collected a sample from her tube and went about setting it up for another look under the microscope. “Ooookaaaay… These cells seem to be at some sort of crazy, microscopic circus…”

Twilight merely stared out the mirror with an unamused look as her mug glowed purple and floated away from her. On her side of the mirror, there was the sound of liquid quickly filling a cup, and soon the mug was back in sight s Twilight took another large gulp.

“Soo…” Pinkie cooed as she turned to stare at Dan, “…about all these fluids I have…”

 Dan wasted no time in turning his laser pointer on.

Pinkie gasped, “Get it, get it, get it!” she cried as she chased the red dot across the floor, up the wall, and onto the ceiling.

Everyone paused as they stared up at Pinkie with dropped jaws.

“Pinkie?! How are you doing that?!” Twilight asked.

“Doing what?” Pinkie asked as she continued to bat at the red dot on the ceiling.

“You’re on the ceiling, goofball!” Dan informed.

“Huh?” Pinkie said as she looked up, or down rather. “AHHH!” she cried as she fell back to the floor with a painful sounding ‘Thump!’

“Pinkie?!” Dan called in alarm as he rushed to his fallen girlfriend’s side, “Are you okay?!”

Pinkie woozily looked up into the green eyes of her boyfriend. Her mouth suddenly shot open wide, “DAN!” she cried as she leapt off the floor and tackle-glomped the short man.

“Ooof… I’ll take that as a ‘yes’,” Dan said with a slightly strained tone as Pinkie held onto him with a vice like grip.

“Dan!” Pinkie said excitedly, “Dan, Dan, Dan, Danny, dance, dandy, dandelion, da…”

“WHAT?!” Dan shouted in an irritated tone.

“Hi, Dan!” Pinkie said.

Dan sighed, “Hi, Pinkie.”

“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie asked. “Guess what! Guess what! Guess what, guess what, guesswhatGuesswhat!”

“Uh… I smell nice?” Dan asked in a pensive tone.

“No, that’s…” Pinkie paused and lowered her snout to Dan’s hair and took a few quick sniffs, ‘Sniff…sniff…Actually, you do smell nice,” she declared, “but that’s not what I was going to say!” Pinkie informed.

“Oh… what then?” Dan asked.

“I’m hungry,” Pinkie informed. “I mean, really, really, hungry.”

“Oh,” Dan replied, “I’m sure we can…”

“IT’S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMNIT!” Pinkie declared as the faucets behind her eyes turned full blast and she starting wailing. “WHUOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Dan grumbled irritably from his spot on the floor as salty tears rained down on him, “Well… there are worse fluids you could have shared…”

“Why don’t you two take Pinkie back up to the house and find her something to eat,” Elise suggested, “I think Twilight and I could use a little quiet time to work this out.”

“Pffft, yeah right,” Dan replied, “you just want to be alone with Twilight so you can start fangirling around her without us watching.”

Pinkie suddenly stopped crying and looked up. “…And you you’ll be all like,” Pinkie place her forehooves against her cheeks and emitted a girly shriek, “‘AAAAAAEEEEE!’ And then Twilight will get all red-faced and embarrassed”—Pinkie’s expression turned bashful—“because she doesn’t know how to react to fangirling,” Pinkie pointed a forehoof at Elise, “and then you’ll get all apologetic because you want Twilight to think you’re cool and smart, but because you’ve never seen a purple, smart, magic, flying alicorn before you’re going to continue to be all giddy and giggly around her and make a dork of yourself…”

Dan began to chuckle to himself as Elise’s face got increasingly redder and redder.

 “…and Twilight will be understanding but you’ll reflect on it and convince yourself that Twilight thinks you’re a total pyscho geek and then you’ll like… cry for hours and hours and hours and eat like a gallon of ice cream and-Ooo! Ice cream sounds good!” Pinkie looked down at the person she was sitting on. “Dan, can we get ice cream.”

“Uh… Hey monkey-face, you got any ice cream?”

Chris cocked an eyebrow at Dan, “Whose house do you think this is?”

Dan paused and nodded, “Alright, yeah… I walked right into that one.”

Twilight glanced over at Elise. Elise stood motionless except for her fists which hung at her side and trembled as she clenched them tightly. Elise hung her head low, but Twilight could still catch a glance of bright red cheeks and tears streaming down her face. “Dan, I think it’s a good idea for you take Pinkie upstairs with Chris. Elise and I will probably work better without the distractions.”

“Uh sure, Sparkler,” Dan looked up at Pinkie. “Hey goofball, its food time.”

“You know…” Pinkie said, “…I’m actually starting to like it riiight here…” Pinkie said with a grin.

Dan rolled his eyes and pulled out his laser pointer. He turned it on and pointed the dot towards the long corridor that went passed the room.

“MY MORTAL ENEMY!” Pinkie cried. “SO WE MEET AGAIN!”

Pinkie jumped off of Dan and raced for the dot. She crashed into the concrete wall with a loud  ‘thud!’ “I’m okay!” she announced as her back rested against the wall with her head on the floor and her back hooves dangling over her.

Dan got to his feet, walked towards the corridor, hit the laser pointer, and moved it down the hall.

“MINE!” Pinkie cried as she scampered down the hall after the dot.

‘Thud!’

“I’M OKAY!” Pinkie assured from the end of the hall.

Dan rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. Chris followed.

Twilight turned back to Elise, “Are you okay?”

Elise quickly wiped the tears away from her face and looked up at Twilight with red cheeks and puffy eyes, “Fa…fine…” she stammered out.

“It’s okay, Elise. You can tell me the truth,” Twilight said. “It’s been a pretty rough day for me, too. Worse than yesterday… and that’s saying a lot!” Twilight paused, “…Was it what Pinkie said?”

Elise nodded weakly.

Twilight chuckled to herself, “I thought as much… If it makes you feel any better, Pinkie’s done that to some of her friends here without the aid of a delirium inducing psychotropic.”

“It’s just… you’re so cool!” Elise squealed.

Twilight blushed slightly, “I’m not that cool.”

“Yes you are!” Elise exclaimed. “You’re a talking pony that can fly and use magic!”

“Well… I’m not very good at flying,” Twilight offered sheepishly.

“Well, I can’t fly at all…” Elise said. “Unless you count helicopters, jet-planes, and experimental hovercrafts…”

Twilight’s ears perked up and her eyes widened excitedly, “That’s it!”

“What’s it?” Elise asked as she turned to Twilight.

“When you mentioned some of the devices you could fly I was impressed… I mean… Pinkie’s talked about a few of them and we have somethings that compare, but not nearly all the technology you have on your world. Maybe you can tell me more about your skills.” Twilight smiled, “That way we can be in awe of each other instead of you just amazed I can use magic.”

Elise paused and thought about this, “Well… I am something of an inventor…” she offered.

“Really… show me something you’ve made…”

Elise paused, “Alright… first let me change into something that’s not covered in spit.”

Twilight chuckled, “Naturally.”

-ooo-

Elise walked back into the room wearing a button lab coat. She held an apple in one hand and a boxy, gun metal colored carbine in the other that was covered in several knobs, switches, and blinking LED lights.

Twilight looked on with interest as Elise set the apple down on the counter walked back a few yards to stand next to the mirror, and leveled her gun at it.

“Does that… does that change apples to oranges?” Twilight guessed.

Elise chuckled, “In a manner of speaking…” She pulled the trigger on the weapon and out fired an arcing electric blue and yellow line of electricity, like a bolt of controlled lightening, which hit her target.

Twilight watched in amazement as the apple shrank into seemingly nothing, replaced by some sort of yellow glow.

Elise smiled, “Now… to reel it in…” She pressed another button on the weapon and the electric arc as well as the glow retracted into the weapon. The end of it hissed and smoked slightly as the light from the shot cleared.

“Wha…what was that?!” Twilight asked as her eyes remained open in amazement at the scene she had just witnessed.

Elise smiled at Twilight, “Neat huh? I modified a matter adjustment ray. I figured out I could use its shrinking properties to the point where I started breaking down the matter into pure energy. I then capture that energy to help power the machine itself for its next shot.” Elise frowned, “It’s not perfect though. There’s always a slight energy loss… stupid second law of thermodynamics…” Elise muttered.

“Oh my gosh, OH MY GOSH!” Twilight exclaimed. “Elise! That’s amazing! I mean… I figured you were smart by the way Pinkie talked about you, but I didn’t think you were a certifiable genius!”

Elise grinned as her face turned red, “You… you really think so?”

“Are you kidding?!” Twilight replied. “The stuff you’ve created is amazing! And without magic?! I mean… that’s just incredible! It’s beyond incredible! I’ll admit I was a little skeptical that you could turn Pinkie back… but now that I’ve seen all this…” Twilight smiled wildly, “… alright, let’s figure this out! You and I!”

Elsie grinned wide, “Really!?”

Twilight smiled and nodded, “Really! With your scientific knowledge, my magic, and our combined intellect, I bet there isn’t a limit to what we could do!”

Elise chuckled, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about the prospect of combining magic and science.”

Twilight’s smile began to widen, growing wild and untamed as her lips drew further and further apart, “Can you imagine what we could do?”

Elise’s expression suddenly went serious, “Anything… probably literally anything…”

“The laws of physics would become our plaything!” Twilight declared.

“Why stop at physics?” Elise asked.

Twilight’s eyes widened, “You’re right Elise! Why stop at physics!? REALITY WOULD BEND TO OUR WILL!”

“WE’D BE UNSTOPPABLE!” Elise declared. “THE MOST POWERFUL TEAM OF FEMALE SCIENTISTS IN THE WORLD!”

“World?!” Twilight cried. “TRY UNIVERSE! WE’D BE ALL POWERFUL!”

“DEMI-GODS!” Elise added.

“GODS THEMSELVES!” Twilight replied.

“YES!” Elis cried.

“YESyesyesyesyesYESYES!” Twilight said in a fervor of mad excitement.

Drunk on the prospects of their combined abilities, and just slightly drunk to begin with, the girls erupted into mad, maniacal cackles that echoed through the underground compound.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…”

 The two women paused and glanced each other. They quickly looked away and began coughing and clearing their throats. They both took a few more quick samples of the beverage available to them and turned to face each other once more.

“Maybe we should concentrate on changing Pinkie back,” Twilight suggested.

Elise nodded, “Cough…Yeah… good idea…” She sighed, “I just wish I could make sense of her cells! I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Twilight paused. Suddenly her eyes shot open wide. “Maybe you can test multiple samples and look for some commonality between them, like some sort of mean… I’m sure that’ll clear up all the oddities of the samples,” she suggested.

“That’s a great idea!” Elise said, “My computer should be able to do that easily enough.”

Elise and Twilight smiled at each other, finally they’d be able to make some progress.

-ooooo-

“OH, COME ON!” Elise shouted as she stared at the computer screen.

Twilight took another gulp from her mug, “No luck, huh?”

Elise shook her head. “NO!” she said in frustration, “It seems no matter how many samples I try to normalize the data with, I can’t getrid of all the fructose, sucrose, or rubber elements!” Elise reached for the bottle of Everclear next to her and took a quick swig, shuttering slightly as the substance burned her throat on the way down. She sat the bottle back down, “Cough…cough…It’s like Pinkie is partially made out of cotton candy and bubble gum! I even collected a few hair samples of the ground and tried those, and they just gave me the same results!”

 “Is it sad that I can believe that?” Twilight asked before she took another gulp of her drink. She sat the empty mug down. “Well, I’m out of sensible ideas…” she announced.

Elise raised an eyebrow at Twilight, “Did you want to try some nonsensible ones?”

“What did you have in mind?”

Elise shrugged, “I figured we could just start bombarding samples of Pinkie’s DNA with magic and different rays and see what happens.”

Twilight giggled. A purple glow enveloped her cup and drifted out of sight briefly, and returned full of a foamy substance. “I’ll drink to that.”

Elise grinned and picked up the bottle of Everclear, she walked up to the mirror and held her bottle up.

Twilight and Elise lightly tapped their beverages against their own side of the mirror and brought them to their lips.

-ooooooo-

Elise smiled wide behind a pair of large, yellow tinted, goggles as she placed a petri dish under an aperture.  She slid a thick, clear, transparent protector into place and stood back from the large, black, boxy device that held the sample provided by Pinkie and the aperture.

Twilight peered through the mirror with interest. Her eyes were now covered with a pair of dark, protective goggles. “So, this device does…?” she asked.

“It bombards whatever is under the aperture with gamma radiation,” Elise informed.

Twilight giggled and shook her head, “Amazing.”

Elise smirked at the purple alicorn, “Want to fire your magic into the sample at the same time and see what happens?”

“DO I?!” Twilight cried enthusiastically.

Elise pulled a small remote control from her pocket and hit a button, “Then let’s get started.”

Lights on the machine began to come to life and blink rapidly as the machine hummed.

Twilight smiled mischievously to herself as her horn glowed purple, “This is my favorite kind of magic!”

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 87 Pinkie Vs. The Munchies

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship

Chapter 87 Pinkie Vs. The Munchies

-ooooooo-

“Hey, no fair!” Chris said. “I was going to do that!”

Dan sighed heavily as he watched Pinkie shovel in a hooffull of mayonnaise into her mouth, stuck her hoof back into an open jar, and repeat the process.

“Youw knoow whaat woulld gwo gwood with this?” Pinkie swallowed, “Butter. Do you have any sticks of butter I can dip into this?” Pinkie asked as she sat the jar of mayonnaise on the ground.

Chris shot Dan a pleading look, “Dan! She’s eating all my ingredients for mayo-butter surprise!”

Dan paused, “…Are the ingredients for mayo-butter surprise sticks of butter and mayonnaise?”

“Why, yes actually,” Chris said informatively.

“So… the surprise is your eating habits are actually atrocious enough that you would actually ingest such a thing?”

“… I don’t need to impress you…” Chris replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m impressed,” Dan said, “just not in the way you’re probably hoping for.”

“Found them~!” Pinkie sang out as she clutched a wrapped stick of butter with her hooves and dipped it into the jar. She tossed the entire stick into the air and opened her mouth wide, chomping down on the mayonnaise coated stick of butter before it hit the floor. She chewed a couple times and swallowed the mass whole.

“Goofball, did you just eat the wrapper?” Dan asked.

“But I still have these cursed hooves!” Pinkie cried as she held up her pink forehoves.

“Oh right…” Dan mused, “Maybe I should have asked Elise if she could have made you some super strong, robot arms.”

Pinkie gasped. “Then I could hold you down more easily!” she said excitedly.

Dan frowned as pensiveness seeped into his features, “I retract my previous statement.”

“You know what else would be cool?” Pinkie said. “If those robotic arms … uh… shot doughnuts!”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief as Pinkie’s train of thought continued to charge full speed ahead to parts unknown.

“… That would be AMAZING!” Chris declared.

“Iknowright?!” Pinkie replied.

Dan sighed, “This is Hell right? I mean… assuming I beat death at it’s grim, icy game and become an old man; I can sit down and terrorize anyone in earshot about that time my girlfriend lost what little control of herself she had and would only stop forcing herself on me if she was rendered unconscious or doped up enough that she thought drinking chocolate syrup straight out of the bottle was a good idea…”

“Glug…glug…glug…” Pinkie emptied the contents of a bottle of chocolate syrup into her mouth and then returned her focus to Dan.“Ahhhhhh…” she uttered in a satisfaction, “it’s not?”

“Dan! She’s eating everything in the fridge!” Chris protested.

Dan rolled his eyes, “You’re just upset because it’s all things you were planning on eating.”

“Well, it is my fridge,” Chris pointed out.

Dan sighed and reached into his pocket, and pulled out a pink wallet.

“Hey, why do you have Pinkie’s wallet?” Chris asked.

“Pinkie is currently a pony and also eating jelly straight out of a jar,” Dan said as he motioned to Pinkie who was currently muzzle deep in a jar of strawberry jelly, “and you’re asking me why I don’t trust her with a magic wallet that produces unlimited amounts of money?”

“Point taken,” Chris replied.

Dan reached into the wallet, pulled out a fistful of dollars, and handed the wad to Chris.

Chris grabbed the mass of money with wide, surprised eyes, “Dan! This is an obscene amount of money…”

“For a pair of obscene eaters,” Dan pointed out. “Go to the store, buy some food, and get back here. I have a feeling mass quantities of food is the only thing that’ll keep Pinkie occupied at the moment…”

Pinkie snatched an open box of baking soda from the fridge and poured the contents into her mouth.

“… or things that aren’t strictly food,” Dan added.

Chris merely stared at Pinkie as he watched the hungry, pink, black hole of a pony consume everything in reach.

“Hurry it up, jerk-face!” Dan said irritably. “I don’t know how long it’ll take her to get through everything consumable in your house, but I’m guessing somewhere between ‘not very long’ and ‘I hate my best friend because he was too much an idiot to buy a bunch of food and get back here in a timely fashion before my recently transformed girlfriend jumped me again’.”

“…I’m not sure that second one is a measurement of time, Dan,” Chris pointed out.

“GO!” Dan yelled.

“Alright, I’m going.”

“Are you going on a snack run?!” Pinkie asked as she wiped ketchup off her muzzle.

“Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am,” Chris replied, “Want anything?”

Pinkie’s face suddenly went serious. “Cheetos… lots of Cheetos… Oooo! And microwave mini-pizzas…and…Pop Tarts…Twinkies… and…and HOT POCKETS!” she shrieked.

Dan looked at Chris, “Just grab a bunch of junk food and bring it back.”

Chris paused and stared at Dan.

“WELL?!”

“Dan, there are rare times in our friendship where knowing you makes me inordinately happy,” Chris said as he became misty eyed.

Dan cried out in alarm as Chris wrapped his arms around him and embraced him in a big bear hug.

“This is one of those times!” Chris said.

“Group hug!” Pinkie said as she leapt from the ground threw embraced Dan.

Dan sighed, “Goofball, dare I ask why you’re sticky?”

“I poured maple syrup over myself,” Pinkie explained.

Chris broke his embrace as Pinkie let go of Dan and lowered herself to the floor.

“Ooookaaaay…” Dan said, “… Why?”

“I figured if somehow we had pancakes I could roll around in them and eat them!” Pinkie explained.

Chris gasped, “It’s brilliant!”

Dan shot his tall friend an irritated look, “Shouldn’t you be going to the store?”

“Right, I’m going,” Chris replied as he made his way to the door.

Dan looked down at Pinkie, “So, you covered yourself in maple syrup as a messy, sticky, and, most of all, moronic method of asking me to make pancakes?”

“Uhhhh… no?” Pinkie replied in an unsure tone.

Dan smacked a palm against his forehead, “You know you could have just asked me for pancakes.”

“Oh…” Pinkie replied. She looked up at Dan with bright, loving, happy eyes and a dazzling smile to match, “Make me pancakes?”

Dan sighed, as strange she was acting and as sticky she was; she still managed an expression of heart melting adorableness he couldn't resist. “Do you promise not to attack me or chew my clothes off while I’m making food?” he asked.

Pinkie nodded, “I promise.”

“Well, alright then,” Dan replied as he opened up Chris’s and Elise’s cupboards in search of ingredients.

“Hey Dan,” Pinkie began, “on a scale from one to ten, how edible would you say is cinnamon?”

Dan paused as his conscience suddenly erupted into an epic battle of wanting to keep Pinkie out of harm’s way and deriving a small amount of sadistic pleasure from watching her idiocy come back to bite her. Dan’s love fought valiantly, but was overcome by a stressful day of trying to hold Pinkie at bay and the desire to see if she could, in fact, eat a mouthful of cinnamon with no ill effects.

“Eleven,” Dan answered.

Pinkie eagerly unscrewed the cap to the spice with her mouth, then dumped the contents into her mouth. Her eyes teared up as she began laboriously chewing on the mass of burning spice in her mouth. “I’fve maffde a terwible mwistake!” she cried through a mouth full of cinnamon. Pinkie dove for the sink and fiddled with the knobs with her hooves. She successfully turned the tap on and placed her mouth under the running water in a desperate bid the clean out the burning spice.

Dan shook his head and went back to gathering ingredients.

Uhg… hopefully Elise has stopped her fangirling long enough to get some work done with Sparkler…

-ooooooo-

“KILL IT!” Twilight cried. “KILL IT! KILL IT!”

“I’m TRYING!” Elise shouted as she shoved another clip into her assault rifle. She pointed her weapon at a mass of bubbling pink ooze that raised itself up towards the ceiling. A part in the pink slime formed wide in the center, revealing a maw like opening in the creature.

“FuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuNNNNN!” The creature bellowed out on a deep, gurgling tone.

Elise opened fire.

‘BRATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT!’

A torrent of bullets quickly flew from the barrel of her weapon as she braced her assault rifle against her hip and stood firm.

The oozing mass pulsated and bubbled violently as the hailstorm of bullets slammed into it. Suddenly, pink tendrils shot from the mass and wrapped themselves around the weapon in Elise’s hands. Elise let go as the pink tendrils retracted, taking the weapon into the mass.

“I think shooting it just makes it angrier,” Elise said. She cringed as she heard a crunching sound, her weapon being crushed or torn to shreds, no doubt.

“Maybe gamma radiation was a bad idea…” Twilight mused.

“I’m open to suggests,” Elise said as the pink blob began ooze forward.

“Kill it with fire!” Twilight suggested.

“Good idea!” Elise said. She reached into her pocket and produced a small remote. She ran for the door and passed the mirror out of the room. A large, black, wheeled device the mirror sat on began to follow Elise as she hit a button on the item in her hand.

“Uh… Elise? It’s chasing us…” Twilight said as she watched the pink creature ooze out of the room they had left and out into the corridor.

“I know!” Elise cried as she continued sprinting down the corridor.

The wheeled device sped along as it carried the mirror, keeping pace with the maroon haired girl.

“It’s gaining on us…” Twilight said as she continued to stare out the mirror at the blob as it oozed along at a rapid pace.

“I KNOW!” Elise cried.

Elise ducked into a room and quickly dove out again. Large, rounded cylindrical tanks where now strapped to her back and she held a large, metal nozzle at the end of a hose. She jumped in front of the mirror and pulled the trigger on the nozzle, releasing a stream of fire into the blob.

‘PHOOOOWSH!’

Fire engulfed the creature and black smoke began to pour from the burning pink ooze as it began to fall lower and lower towards the ground.

The creature made one more cry as it melted into a blacken heap on the concrete floor, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuNNNNnnnnn…”

“You did it!” Twilight cried.

Elise turned and smiled at the purple alicorn.

“Warning, fire detected in main corridor,” Elise’s voice called out from a PA system in the complex..

Elise frowned, “Uh-oh…”

‘FISSSSSSSHHHHH…’

Elise sighed, as water poured from the ceiling above her, soaking her and her lab coat.

“Hmmm…” Twilight uttered as she watched the smoldering pile of the once blob creature spread further.

“What?” Elise asked.

Twilight smiled, “Oh nothing…” She suddenly put in a serious looking expression, “I guess randomly shooting Pinkie Pie DNA with magic and rays isn’t exactly safe…”

‘… SSSSSssssssshhhh…’

Water from the sprinkles above slowed to a trickle, and soon stopped entirely.

Elise nodded her head in agreement, “It would seem so…” She suddenly smiled, “Want to see what else we can make?”

Twilight looked at Elise with wide, surprised eyes. “Elise! You almost got killed back there!”

Elise shrugged. “I’m used to it. Besides, what’s science without the risk?” she said with a smirk.

Twilight paused, “I think I have a bottle of distilled cider stashed somewhere…”

Elise chuckled, “That’s the spirit.”

Twilight attempted to stifle a giggle “Pfft…hehehehHAHAHAHAHAHA…!” The purple alicorn quickly erupted into a fit of laughter. “Hehehe…good one, Elise…” Twilight trotted up to the mirror and placed a hoof against it. “Put it there…”

Elise grinned as she bumped her fist against the mirror lightly.

“Do you think Pinkie, Dan, and Chris are doing alright?” Twilight asked.

Elise smiled, “I’m sure they’re fine. I mean… Chris would have called me if Pinkie suddenly threw herself at Dan again… Anyhow,” Elise began to walk back down the hall, hitting a button on her remote so the mirror followed, “let’s try the alpha ray generator next…”

Elise walked over the black mass of burnt ooze, paying it no mind as it bubbled from the ground below.

-ooooooo-

“Ooooh YES!” Pinkie cried. “Ooooh yes! YES… huff…puff…YESYESYES!”

“So this is what my life has become…” Dan murmured. He stared at Pinkie as she rolled around in a pile of pancakes allowing the doughy disk to cling to her syrup covered body. She would occasionally pause her rolling to grab a pancake and chomp it down in a quick few bites.

“Hey guys!” Chris called as he walked into the kitchen with his arms around a grocery bag.

“Took you long enough!” Dan cried in an irritated tone.

“Sorry, but you gave me so much!” Chris replied.

Dan paused, “Wait… did you actually spend all the money I gave you on groceries?!”

“Uh… was I not supposed to? I mean… it’s not like you can run out…” Chris said.

“IT WASN’T A CHALLENGE, YOU IDIOT!” Dan cried.

Chris sat the bag he was carrying down, “Look you wanted food, and you got it. I managed to fill the van completely. Now could you help me grab the groceries? We need to start heating up the frozen food in the microwave and eating it stat. It’s not going to last long at room temperature.”

Dan sighed, “Fine…”

Pinkie looked excitedly at the paper bag and put her weight back into her haunches. She shimmied her hindquarters back and forth as she wagged her tail. Suddenly, she pounced on the bag. There was a loud, ‘Pop!’ as orange Cheetos exploded from the bag in all directions.

 “YAY!” Pinkie cried as she began to run around the room, munching Cheetos as she went.

Chris began frantically picking Cheetos off the floor and stuffing them in his face.

“Monkey-face, I thought we needed to grab groceries,” Dan said.

“Bwut Pinkie’s gwoing to eat allw thwe Cheetoos befoore I cwan gwet to thewm!” Chris protested, spitting chunks of orange snack food out as he did.

Dan rolled his eyes, “I’m so sure that’s all the Cheetos you brought.”

Chris paused and swallowed the food in his mouth, “Touché, Dan. Touché.”

“Goofball,” Dan began, “are you good with…”

“Ma ma mamamama maMamamama…” Pinkie chanted over and over again as she began to roll around on the ground again, a sticky pink mass off pancakes and orange dust.

“…whatever the heck it is you’re doing?” Dan asked.

“Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed as she raised a folded pancake that was filled with Cheetos, “Call the patent office! I just invented the Cheetos-pancake-taco!”

“…Right … I’ll be right back…” Dan uttered as he and Chris made their way towards the living room.

“’Kay! Have fun!” Pinkie replied as she chomped down on her CPT and devoured it in one bite. “Oh no! my creation!” Pinkie cried. “I’ll never remember the secret formula!”

Soon Chris and Dan filled the kitchen with bags and bags of junk food as well as an assortment of healthier food choices.

Dan strained as he sat a large basket of apples on the ground, “Huff…puff…Jerk-face, why the heck did you buy an entire bushel of apples?” Dan asked.

“Well, I figured we needed some healthy food in the house!” Chris replied. “Besides, haven’t you ever wanted to buy a bushel of apples just to be among the few and proud who can say they’ve purchased an entire bushel of apples?”

“No, Duffus King, I can honestly say that thought has never occurred to me…”

Pinkie bounded up to the basket full of apples. She gasped, “I’m gonna eat all of ‘em!” she announced.

Dan sighed, “Pinkie, you can’t eat all those apples.”

“BUCK YOU I CAN’T EAT ALL THESE APPLES!” Pinkie shoved her face into the basket of apples and began rapidly chowing down on any and all of the fruit she could sink her teeth into.

Dan smacked a palm against his forehead which had begun to turn red with his constant, violent self-inflicted strikes. “Well, at least this weirdness isn’t interfering with magic science time…”

-ooooooo-

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Oh my gosh, Elise!” Twilight cried, “We actually created a Pinkie clone! We’re amazing!”

Elise watched the bubbly pink mare hop around the concrete room and smiled, “I can’t believe what a little magic and some alpha radiation can do!” Elise exclaimed. “I should take a few samples, make sure it’s stable before we…”

Elise paused as the Pinkie clone suddenly began to expand in all directions, as if something was inflating it from the inside. “Fuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn…”  The clones pitch began to drop considerably as it continued to expand in an unnatural and painful looking manner.

‘POP!’

“Elise?!” Twilight cried as her mirror went dark. “What happened?! Are you okay?”

From the other end of the mirror, Elise made a frustrated, disgusted sound, “Elck…Yeah… I’m fine.”

“…The clone exploded, didn’t it?” Twilight asked.

“Yep,” Elise confirmed.

“How bad is it?”

“Well… apparently it was mostly made out of bubblegum and syrup…” Elise explained. “So… messy, but not nearly as nightmare inducing as one would imagine.” Elise wiped some of the pink goo off the mirror so she could once again look at Twilight, “Maybe we should try again and see if we can make a few stable clones. Might give us something we can run a few experiments against without fear of harming Pinkie.”

“But Elise,” Twilight began, “aren’t you concerned that the act of creating what may be sapient beings that will, in all likeliness, die in horrific explosions or grisly experiments is ethically and morally questionable?”

Elise’s face went blank as she thought about the alicorn’s words, “Uhhhhh…”

Twilight smirked and pointed at Elise with both her forehooves, “Gotcha!”

Elise chuckled and shook her head, “You had me worried for a second.”

“Seriously though,” Twilight said, “I bet if I scale back my magic a bit we could make something a tad less explosion prone.”

Elise nodded, “I’ll prep another sample.”

-ooooooo-

“Ready…?” Chris asked with an excited grin on his face.

Pinkie nodded, “Ready!”

The pair looked at Dan excitedly.

Dan sighed for about the hundredth time that day, “Go.”

Chris and Pinkie began chowing down on their edible monstrosities; pancakes wrapped around Cheetos and hot pockets that were, in turn, wrapped in microwaved pizzas. The latest of such creations the two had devised.

Dan shook his head as he watched the messy and grotesque display unfold, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I rather hang out with Sparklers and Elise… this is just stomach churning.”

-ooooooo-

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“I’m beginning to think we could have shown a little more restraint…” Twilight mused as she scanned her eyes over the complex full of bounding Pinkie Pies.

“On the plus side, they’re exploding with far less frequency,” Elise replied.

“Fun! Fun Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Fuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn…”

‘POP!’

Elise quickly raised and opened an umbrella, shielding herself from the pink, gooey burst that followed the cry of one of the clones as it expanded and exploded. “See!” Elise said as she closed her goo covered umbrella, “That took way more time!”

“Well…” Twilight mused, “I can maybe try a few spells on them… Maybe at least start narrowing things down towards a human. If only they’d stand still…”

“Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”

“Maybe we can lure them into a confined space or something,” Elise suggested.

Twilight nodded, “Good idea! We can figure out something to use as bait…”

Elise chuckled, “Do you think they’re all interested in Dan?”

“Fun! Fun! Fun!...”

To Twilight’s and Elise’s great surprise, the room suddenly went silent.

The Pinkie clones stopped bounding around the room and suddenly stared at Elise and Twilight, with mad, hungry grins.

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“How do you suppose they even know who Dan is?” Twilight asked.

Elise shrugged, “Magical psychic connection with Pinkie, maybe?”

“I guess that makes as much sense as anything else we’ve seen today…” Twilight mused.

Elise grinned, “Anyhow, maybe we can secure them with just the promise of Dan. She looked at the group of Pinkie’s and motioned out the doorway, “Come along, Pinkie’s! Dan’s right down the hall.”

“Pinkie’s?! What the heck is going on down here?! And how do did you know I was here?” Dan demanded. “Do you have me bugged again?!”

The color drained from Elise’s face as she and Twilight froze briefly.

The Pinkies once again went silent.

Slowly Elise turned behind her, flicking a stick on the wheeled device the mirror sat on as she did so she and Twilight could face Dan with panicked looking grins.

Dan gave the two women a suspicious look before he peered pass them into the room.

‘SMACK!’

Dan slowly lowered his hand off his bright red forehead and shot a death glare at both Twilight and Elise. “Before I die in what I can only can imagine will probably the absolute most traumatizing and tragic way for me to go, I want you both to know that I despise you with every fiber of my being.”

Elise and Twilight cringed as the cries erupted behind them once more, wilder and crazier than ever.

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan!Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“RUN!” Elise cried.

Elise and Dan broke into a sprint as the mirror followed behind. The crazed, ravenous cries of “Dan!” and a stampede of bouncing pink ponies behind them.

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 88 Dan Vs. Impending Death

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 88 Dan Vs. Impending Death-ooooooo-

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Dan! Dan! Dan!Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

Dan and Elise continued their frantic sprint down the concrete corridor as the wheeled device Pinkie’s mirror sat on kept pace.

 “After I’m… huff… dead I’m going to… puff… haunt the bejesus out of the both of you… huff… two harebrained morons!” Dan cried as he ran as fast his legs would carry him.

“Guessing that’ll… huff… be some comfort… puff… to Pinkie…” Elise mused as she sprinted along dan.

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Sorry, Dan…” Twilight said sheepishly from the mirror.

“I mean it!” Dan shouted. “Brutally torn to… huff… shreds in a mating frenzy by… puff … things that look like my girlfriend… huff… sounds like a horrible… puff… Freudian nightmare, except it’s… huff…  real and probably going to… puff…  happen to me.”

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

“Just shut up and let me think!” Elise cried. “This complex isn’t that big in fact…”

The group turned a corner where one final room full of dusty equipment and cleaning materials awaited them.

“Uh… we just hit the end,” Elise said as the group came to a stop in the room.

“Thanks, Captain obvious.” Dan replied sarcastically.

“Wait!” Elise cried. “I got this…” Elise hit a switch on her controller and a thick steel door sealed the room. Leaving the group in near darkness. The only light coming from Twilight’s mirror.

The cries continued along with frantic pounding on the metal door.

Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

‘Clank! Clank! Clank!’

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

‘Clank! Clank! Clank!’

“Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!”

‘Clank! Clank! Clank! ‘Clank! Clank! Clank!’

“Dan! Dan! Dan!Dan! Dan! Dan!

The group held their collective breath as eventually the pounding on the metal and cries stopped.

Elise and Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.

Dan folded his arms. “Great, yay, we’re safe,” he said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. “Now would some PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY THERE ARE DOZENS OF CRAZY PINKIE PIES DESPERATE TO GET BUSY WITH ME!?”

Elise and Twilight exchanged pensive glances and looked back at Dan.

“We uh…” Twilight began, “we may have gotten a little uh…”

“Stupid? Moronic? Out of your collective minds?!” Dan suggested.

“Ambitious?” Elise threw out.

Twilight pointed at Elise, “Yes! That! That’s a perfect word to describe what happened.”

“Oh… I like all of mine better!” Dan said in a sardonic tone.

Elise sighed, “Dan, what are you even doing down here?! I thought you were watching Pinkie!”

“I got tired of watching her and monkey-face make food monstrosities and eat them!” Dan explained.

“Monstrosities?” Twilight asked as she cocked an eyebrow.

“Pinkie was quickly consuming every semi-edible thing in the house so I gave Chris a bunch of money to buy food and he came back with what looked like the entire contents of a Seven Eleven…” Dan paused, “And some apples that Pinkie devoured. Apparently eating an entire bushel of apples takes one on some sort of spiritual journey…” Dan explained. He shook his head, “As if what was in her system wasn’t enough…”

-oooooo-<

“Dan! I’m in it! I’m in the cosmos itself, I can see, feel, smell, hear, and even taste all of existence!”

Dan sighed as he looked down at Pinkie. The pink mare was laying on her side, the blacks of her pupils almost having completely swallowed her sky-blue irises.

“That’s great, goofball…” Dan uttered

“Everything tastes like snozzberries, Dan!”

Dan rolled his eyes, “I’m sure it does.”

“No! You don’t get it! You, me, this delicious floor…” with a loud ‘Slurp!’ Pinkie licked the floor, “…taste like snozzberries!”

Chris sat down another basket of apples next to Pinkie and began munching on them.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at him, “What the heck do you think you’re doing, Monkey-face?”

“Dwan!” Chris cried as through a mouthful of apple, he swallowed, “This is incredible! Pinkie as reached Foodvana!”

“I don’t even want to know…” Dan replied.

“It’s a place where one’s spirit is one with food!” Chris explained.

“WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!” Dan roared in reply.

 “And I’m going to eat all these apples until I’m there too!” Chris explained as he took an apple up to his mouth and bit into it.

Dan opted to smack his hand against his forehead in lieu of a response.

<-oooooo->

“You gave Chris a free reign to buy groceries?! Are you out of your mind?!” Elise cried.

Dan glared at her, “Excuse you, but I’m trying to keep my currently crazed girlfriend satiated here! Thanks for compounding the problem immensely, by the way!”

Elise paused took a few calming breaths and looked back up at Dan, “Alright Dan, I get it…”

“I’m not sure you do!” Dan cried. “If you did you wouldn’t have made more problems for us to deal with, AND WE WOULDN’T BE STUCK IN STORAGE CLOSET.”

“We didn’t mean to make Pinkie clones…” Twilight interjected “Well… the first one, anyhow…”

Dan shifted his angry glare to Twilight, “Oh?! And making more wasn’t a horrendously stupid idea, because…?”

“Hey!” Twilight protested. “We were going to use them to find a way to turn Pinkie back to human! We were trying to help!”

“YOUR HELP ALMOST GOT ME KILLED!” Dan roared.

“Leave her alone!” Elise shouted. “We didn’t know you’d come down here at the worse possible moment!”

“Oh what, so this is my fault!?” Dan said.

‘Clank!’

Twilight’s ears perked up at the sound of metal being hit again, she shifted her gaze to the door.

“It usually is!” Elise retorted.

Dan sighed, “Right! Here we go again… Everything’s Dan’s fault!” Dan said sarcastically, “Dan encouraged you two to create a swarm of uncontrollable Pinkie Pies!”

“Guys?!” Twilight said.

‘Clank!’

“Well, we wouldn’t had to do that if you… Uh…” Elise paused and trailed off.

“If I what?!” Dan said. “Go on! TELL ME HOW THIS IS MY FAULT!”

“Erm… it’ll come to me…”

“GUYS! DOOR!” Twilight said in a panicked tone.

Dan and Elise stopped arguing and noticed the door was now off the ground by a few inches. A cute, pink muzzle sat wedged in the small crack between metal and concrete.

An odd, rhythmic, mechanical sound began to ring out from behind the door.

‘Keeekrrkeeekrrrkeeekee…’

Dan, Elise, and Twilight looked on in horror as the muzzle slowly lifted off the ground, bringing the door up with it.

“What?! How are they…?” Elise began.

Dan smacked his palm against his forehead, “Because they’re Pinkies…”

As the Pinkies in the hallway became visible, the group could see how they where raising the door. The Pinkie in front slowly raised its head in rhythm to two Pinkie’s pumping its tail up and down, as if the pink mare was some sort of giant, hairy, car jack.

‘KeeekrrkeeekrrrkeeekrrrCLANK!’

The door metal rang out loudly as it was returned to its slot.

Elise tried the button once more. A small shower of sparks emerged from doorway, but the door remained in place. “No good… they must have strained the servos when they forced the door open.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “Surprise, surprise, Elise continues to be useless.”

“Dan! Stop picking on her,” Twilight said, “We need a plan.”

“Kinda late for that, Sparkler,” Dan replied.

Dan and Elise paused and looked up at the dozens of mad, hungry eyes that all fixed their gaze upon Dan. The group of Pinkie clones all parted their lips and pulled them up and towards the sides of their faces, revealing crazed, ravenous grins.

“What are they waiting for…?” Elise whispered.

“Who knows… probably figuring out how small the pieces of me need to be to split amongst them all,” Dan said flatly.

Elise and Twilight winced.

Dan sighed, “Thanks for helping me get killed, Elise. You too, Sparkler. Glad to see getting you two science geeks together resulted in total catastrophe.”

One of the Pinkie’s stepped forward, continuing its chant in a low, or as low as the pink pony could muster, husky tone. “Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Fun! Dan! Dan! Fun!”

Dan flinched and turned his attention to the mare. He slowly began to back away. “Well, wish I could say it’s been nice knowing you two,” Dan said, “but given the circumstances here, I’m kinda hopping you die a grizzly death, Elise.”

Elise rolled her eyes, “Thanks, Dan.”

Dan looked at Twilight, “Guess you’re not in danger, so please at least have the courtesy to let our gruesome demise haunt you.”

Twilight looked at Dan as determination spread itself across her face like a flash flood that washed away her worry.

The lead pink mare leapt into the air.

Dan instinctively placed his arms in front of his face as the pink mare went airborne.

Elise stepped in-between Dan as the pony flew forward.

“Elise, wha…”

In a flash, the space right in front of Elise began to glow a shimmering, translucent purple.

‘Fthowmp!’

There was a ripple of purple energy as the pink mare hit a magic shield that blocked the two humans and mirror from the ponies’ pounce. She was thrown back into the mix of crazed clones. The mares’ eyes shifted from hungry, to desperate as they swarmed the shield and began violently pounding on it, causing it to ripple violently under the onslaught.

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

 “Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Fun! Dan! Fun!Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp Fthowmp! Fthowmp!!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp! ‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun!”

Elise breathed a sigh of relief, “Thank you, Twilight.”

“Don’t…huff… thank me… puff… yet…” Twilight said in between deep, laborious breaths, “I can’t…” Twilight swallowed, “… can’t hold this…huff… shield for very long… puff… Not across dimensions…not with them attacking it.”

“Oh…” Elise uttered as she looked out at the herd of Pinkies, “Well… maybe they’ll all explode before…”

“DaaaaaaaaaaAAANNNNNNNNN…”

‘POP!’

A pink goo showered the shield briefly as the pounding and cries continued.

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp Fthowmp! Fthowmp!!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

“Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp Fthowmp! Fthowmp!!’

“See!” Elise said hopefully.

Twilight shook her head as tears began to stream from her eyes, “I don’t…”Twilight exhaled, “… fffffffssss… I don’t think so…”

Dan shot another glare at Elise and Twilight. “Thanks for making clones of my girlfriend that explode horrifically, by the way! I was worried I was going to sleep soundly through the night… you know…” Dan held his palm up matter of factually… “not that it matters with my impending death, and all…Also, what the heck was with that diving in front of me nonsense?!” Dan asked.

“Not the time, Dan,” Elise said.

“In case you hadn’t noticed, there isn’t going to be another time!” Dan cried.

Elise sighed, “Look, I felt bad, alright? I FEEL bad! Aside from popping up at the wrong time, none of this is your fault.” Elise shook her head, “And… it’s not fair for me to bring this on you.”

Dan looked at Twilight, “I take it you talked to her?”

“There… wheeze… may have been… huffpuffhuffpuff…some words offered in your defense… for what it’s worth… I feel terrible…” Twilight gasped a large volume of air and let it slowly escape her lips, “…Huuuuuuuffffffffuuuu… about this, too… and… ”

“Dan,” Elise began, “I’m… sorry, alright? Chris having you as a best friend hasn’t always been easy, in fact it’s almost never been easy…”

“…You suck at this final confession thing, by the way,” Dan said.

Elise ignored him, “But… you don’t deserve this… no one does… and you make Pinkie, extraordinarily happy… and you love her… anyone could see that… you actually truly love and care for her… and I guess… between that and this being partially my fault, I couldn’t just let them have you...”

“Oh…” Dan replied, not quite sure how he should reply. “Uh... Look… er… I guess you haven’t been a completely horrible wife to Chris and… as far as banes of my existence go, you’re… alright?” Dan offered.

“… You suck at this, too, you know,” Elise said with a smirk.

“Shut up! Look… I guess you two psychos probably meant well… so… I guess I maybe, sorta, kinda, I don’t hate you so much as I did a minute ago…”

Elise chuckled, “Good enough for me.”

“Guuuuuys…?!” Twilight uttered in a panicked tone.

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan!”

Dan pushed Elise aside and stepped towards the mirror. “Stand back, Elise…”

Elise shot Dan a confused look, “Don’t tell me you’ve gone all noble on us…”

Dan nodded his head, “This is your mess, but they’re after me. Just… take care of Goofball and Monkey-Face for me.”

“What?! DAN! You can’t…!” Elise protested.

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN’T DO!” Dan roared. “I’m sure right now you’re telling yourself that you’re going to leap right in there and try to keep me safe with that arsenal of weapons you keep on you…”

“Uh… actually, I lost all those between changing clothing and fighting a pink, slime monster…” Elise said sheepishly.

Dan sighed, “Figures… anyways, DON’T help. Those two idiots need someone to look after them, they’re hopeless on their own.”

“Dan!” Elise said in a protesting tone as tears began to stream from her eyes, “You can’t… Pinkie will never forgi…”

“Oh yeah,” Dan said as he glanced behind him. A small purple glint off droplets around his eyes betrayed his otherwise cool and collected expression. “Tell Goofball that I love her… more than anything… and that I forgive her for how she’s acted today…”

“Dan! Fun! Dan! hmmmmmm… Fun! Dan! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

“Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

‘Fthowmp! Fthowmp! Fthowmp!’

Twilight continued the strenuous task of holding the shield up as her breathing became increasingly labored. Despite her focus being on the shield, her ears picked up a something strange from the group of Pinkies.

Did… did one of the Pinkie’s… whimper?

Twilight quickly scanned the group of Pinkies.

“DAN! I CAN’T LET YOU DO THIS ALONE!” Elise cried as she placed her hands on the short man’s shoulders.

“YES YOU CAN!” Dan said as he brushed Elise’s hand aside. “As incredibly ironic as it would be to have you die trying to save me, Chris and Pinkie are going to need you!”  Dan shook his head. “You’re strong. They’re not. And there’s no way they’d be able to get over losing both of us.”

“E…Elise… “Twilight said before exhaling a large volume of air, “…SSUUUUUUUFFffffffffuuuu…” sweat began to pour from the purple mare’s face, “let… let him go… huuuffsssuuu… it’ll… it’ll be alright…”

“NO IT WON’T!” Elise shouted as the trickles from her eyes turned to streams.

“You have to… fuuuuuusssshHUUUUU… trust me…”

Elise bit her lower lip and nodded.

Twilight turned to Dan. “Dan… fuuusssh… step a bit to the left…”

Dan shot Twilight a confused look shifted his position slightly.

“YOUR… HUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFSSSSS… LEFT!” Twilight corrected.

“Oh…” Dan shifted again. “Uh, here?”

Twilight nodded.

“Uh, hey Twilight… just uh… just try to get Pinkie home, alright?” Dan said.

“Sa…sure…  shhheeeeeeefuuu… Dan?” Twilight asked as the sweat began to drip from entire body, forming a pool under her.

“Yeah, Twilight?”

Twilight swallowed, “Hold on tight.”

Suddenly the shimmering light from the purple shield was gone as Dan felt a set of teeth clamp onto his jeans and pull him into the mass of pink ponies.

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Epilogue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipEpilogue -ooooooo-

“Holy Dragon Ball GEEEZ this thing is heavy,” Pinkie grunted out as she and Dan hefted her blanket covered mirror up that apartment steps.

“Well …huff… we should have made A.T.U. and Useless help!” Dan cried as slowly backed up the stairs.

“Ehhh…A.T.U.?” Pinkie asked.

“Almost Totally Useless,” Dan explained as he stepped off the stairs and onto the apartment complex.

“I figure they had done plenty,” Pinkie replied.

Dan chuckled. “Heh... Well said…” He suddenly frowned. “Unless you weren’t being sarcastic, in which case shut up.”

“You two know we’re right here, right?” Elise said as she held open the door to apartment 8.

“Did I get a promotion?” Chris asked as he followed behind Pinkie.

“Yeah,” Dan said as he and Pinkie brought the mirror into the apartment. “You’re lucky you’re tall.”

Chris smiled. “Well, it’s good for reaching things on tall shelves or helping your friend set off sprinklers when being attacked by a slime monster and a group of murder hungry clones.”

Dan and Pinkie made their way through living room, into the bedroom, and deposited the mirror back in Pinkie’s closet.

“Aaaaand, DONE!” Pinkie declared as she quickly grabbed and slid off the blankets from around the mirror. With a casual toss the salsa, sour cream, and bean juice soaked covers drifted onto the her and Dan’s bed.

Dan sighed, “Goofball, I’m pretty sure we need new blankets.”

“Whoops, hehehe…”

Twilight offered a polite nod from the group as she continued to read a book that was set down in front of her. The numerous scrolls and books that had surrounded her for the last few days had been cleaned up and sent back to their respective places of origin.

“We can take them off your hands if you don’t want them…” Chris said.

“Chris,” Elise began, “we can stop and grab Mexican on the way home. You don’t need to eat blankets.”

“What?!” Chris protested. “I wasn’t going to eat them…”

Everyone turned to stare at Chris blankly, even Twilight looked up from her book to stare at the food obsessed man.

Chris sighed. “Alright, yeah… I was going to eat them…”

“Chris, I think you may have a problem…” Dan stated.

“Ywoo sway swomfing?” Chris asked through a mouthful of food covered blanket.

“Chris, spit that out!” Elise commanded.

“Whhoops…” Chris spit out the wad of blanket in his mouth. “…Sorry…”

“Mwew…?”

The group looked towards the floor as Mr. Mumbles bounded into the room, Pinkie’s small compact mirror in her mouth. She made her over to Pinkie and began pawing at the pink haired girl’s dress hem.

“Oh, for me?” Pinkie said as she took the mirror and opened it up.

“Hello, my little pony,” Celestia greeted.  She lightly chuckled. “…Or should I say, ‘human’?”

Pinkie Pie smiled at the alabaster alicorn. “Hello, Princess Celestia. Did you have fun at the Princess Summit?”

Celestia smiled warmly. “Yes. It was very therapeutic, thank you.” Celestia glanced over to Twilight. “Best one I’ve been to in centuries.”

“I just hope somepony else can supply the entertainment for next year,” Twilight said in an exasperated tone.

Celestia chuckle was suddenly heard in stereo as she walked into view of the larger mirror, a smaller, rectangular mirror floating alongside the princess. Twilight sat up and nodded to her fellow princess.

“Don’t worry  Twilight,” Celestia said, “I’m sure next year you’ll get plenty of Twilight time to yourself… or whomever you want to spend it with…” she said with a wink.

“Yeah,” Pinkie chimed in, “next year you can just transform Dan and I into ponies and leave us that way…” she said with a mischievous smile as she stuck her tongue out.

“…Man, my life has gotten a lot stranger in the past couple of days,” Chris exclaimed.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You think you have it weird? Try being transformed into a pony.”

“Uh, point taken…” Chris replied.

“Speaking of being transformed into a pony…” Pinkie cooed as she walked up to Dan, wrapped her arms around one of his and stared out at Twilight.

“Aaaand, I think that’s our cue to leave,” Elise said.

“That would probably be less mentally scarring for you two, yeah,” Dan said.

“Oooo! One second…” Pinkie said, she held out her pink compact mirror for Elise.

Elise looked down at the mirror in surprise. “You’re giving me the second interdimensional communication mirror!?”

Twilight chuckled. “Actually, it’s just a mirror. We can switch it to a different one when you get it home, if you like.”

Elise grabbed the compact as her face lit up. “You mean I’d be able to talk to you at home? Oh this is going to be so awesome!” Elise exclaimed as she brought her clenched hands up towards her cheeks.

Twilight smiled and nodded. “Sure…” Her smile suddenly turned sheepish. “But let’s start with some more controlled experiments, first…”

Elise chuckled. “Sounds good to me.”

Twilight looked up at Celestia. “Is that okay with you?”

Celestia closed her eyes and smiled. “Of course Twilight, I’m glad you’ve made another friend.”

Twilight looked at Elise and smiled. “Yeah, me too…”

“Alright, less talky more turning into ponies,” Dan said irritably.

“Goodness, someone is eager…” Celestia said with a smirk.

“I’ve learned to see the perks of being a different species,” Dan said nonchalantly.

Celestia chuckled. “I’m sure.”

Chris wordlessly began edging closer and closer to the door with a pensive expression on his face.

“Alright, Chris.” Elise said as she shook her head. “We'll leave the ponies to their… uh… pony stuff… which I know understand involves a lot less frolicking in meadows and going out on picnics as I would have once thought.”

“Oh, we do those things, too,” Pinkie explained, “it’s just sometimes those meadows get attacked by hungry wolves made out of wood and our picnics get interrupted by news that someone’s brother is getting married out of the blue, or by one of us having a meltdown.”

Twilight giggled nervously from her side of the mirror.

“Are you two still here?!” Dan cried.

Chris chuckled. “Love you too, buddy. See you soon. See ya, Pinkie.”

“Bye-bye Chris!” Pinkie said enthusiastically, “Bye-bye Elise!”

“See you guys later!” Elise said as she and her husband exited the bedroom and made their way out of the apartment.

Pinkie and Dan flashed Twilight a pair of eager, enthusiastic grins.

Twilight rolled her eyes as her horn glowed purple. In a pair of bright, lavender flashes, Pinkie and Dan where ponies once more.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… thanks Twilight, you’re the be-WHOA!”

In a blur of grey, Dan was on top of Pinkie.

“Uh… see you soon?” Pinkie said in a somewhat nervous tone as Dan buried his snout in Pinkie’s mane and began frantically sniffing it.

Twilight chuckled. “I’m sure…” Her horn glowed once more as she closed the sliding door to the closest and put the mirror on mute.

“I hope those two don’t make a habit of that,” Celestia said, “that would be rather awkward for you.”

Twilight shook her head. “Don’t worry,” she said in a knowing tone, “Pinkie is probably going to learn that being in heat while locked in a small apartment with a stallion who only has eyes and a nose for her is not as fun sounding as she thinks.”

Celestia chuckled. “Oh my, well I best get going to let you keep an eye on the situation.” She smiled down at Twilight. “I had a little gift special delivered.”

Twilight’s face lit up. “Really?”

Celestia motioned with her large, white horn down the library and lead Twilight towards one of the rooms, a large box sat outside of it.

“I had a box of the finest Haygyptian cotton toilet paper delivered,” Celestia explained. She winked. “Just a little way of thanking you for having us here…”

“Uh… thanks,” Twilight said in an unsure tone. “I’m not quite sure what to say…”

Celestia laughed softly. “That’s alright Twilight, you can thank me later… Just remember you can always arrange for more to be delivered.”

“Erm… right…” Twilight said as she continued to eye the box with a confused eye.

“Oh, one more thing…” Celestia said.

“Yes, Princess?”

To Twilight’s great surprise, Celestia leaned down and wrapped an arm around Twilight. She gave the purple alicorn a great big, hug. “You’re such a good friend to the people you care about, they should consider themselves lucky to know someone as kind and generous as you.”

Unaccustomed to the display of affection. Twilight’s face began to flush red as she smiled weakly. “Uh, thank you Celestia.” Twilight frowned. “I just wish I was a better princess.”

Celestia broke her embrace, and shook her head slightly. “Don’t worry Twilight, learning about caring for others is the most important part about being a ruler. You’ll work out making the correct solutions in a timely fashion soon enough.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Celestia.”

Celestia made her way for the library door. “Take care Twilight, see you soon.”

“Goodbye, Celestia,” Twilight said as the alabaster alicorn exited the library.

Twilight tossed a glance at the box next to the bathroom door and shook her head.

I better keep an eye on Dan and Pinkie… Dan certainly seemed eager despite only having been a pony again for a few seconds…

Twilight went back to her book in front of the darkened mirror. Sometime later she noticed light shine through the mirror once more as she heard the frantic tapping of hoofs on glass.

‘Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap!’

Twilight looked up as Pinkie desperately tried to get her attention. In a purple flash, the word ‘MUTE’ was gone from the mirror.

“Hi, Pinkie,” Twilight said with a small smirk. Twilight cocked her head slightly. "Things not going exactly to plan over there I take it?”

Pinkie looked at Twilight and began to speak in a nervous tone, “Well… it was fun at first… really fun… but uh… I guess I know what Dan felt like for the last few days … Dan doesn’t seem to have an off switch at the moment… he’s a bit…erm… forceful?” Pinkie suggested with a nervous smile.

Twilight chuckled. “Yeah, I thought this might happen…”

‘CRUNCH!’

Pinkie cringed as the door behind her began to splinter inwards.

Twilight’s smile dropped, “What was that.”

“Dan umm… Dan is currently chopping through the bedroom door with an axe…” Pinkie explained.

“I’m surprised he could even work one with his hooves,” Twilight commented.

 ‘CRUNCH!’ The sharp, chrome edge of an axe poked out from splinters on the door before it was quickly retracted once more.

“I’ve found you’d be surprised what you can accomplish if you want it bad enough…” Pinkie said in a worried tone.

With another loud, ‘CRUNCH!’, Dan had opened a hole big enough to stick his face through. “Here’s Johnny!” he announced with a crazed look in his eyes and a wide, toothy smile to match.

“Change me back! CHANGE ME BACK!” Pinkie pleaded.

“Oh, geez!” Twilight explained. In another purple flash, Pinkie was human once more.

Pinkie breathed a quick sigh of relief as she did a quick pat down of her own body with her hands to briefly confirm she was indeed human again.

Dan paused, the madness slowly eking out of his features. “Wow, you are a naughty girl,” he commented. “Just a few more swings and I’ll be through…” Dan said as he retracted his head back from the door.

‘CRUNCH!’

Pinkie’s eyes flew open wide as she stared at Twilight.

Twilight shrugged. “It’s not like him being human ever stopped you…”

“You know… I think I’m done with either of us being a pony for a while…” Pinkie said.

‘CRUNCH!’

“Are you suuuuure~?” Twilight purred.

‘SMASH!’

Pinkie looked on in fear as her grey, pony boyfriend smashed his way through the rest of the door and shook wooden splinters from his mane. He stared at her with large, almost pitch black, ravenous eyes.

“I’m sure…” Pinkie replied to Twilight with a vigorous nod.

“Sorry Pinkie,” Dan said, “but you might have trouble walking for a few days after this…”

“Oh, Celestia!” Pinkie cried as her eyes went wide, “CHANGE HIM BACK! CHANGE HIM BACK! CHANGEHIMBACK!”She frantically pleaded.

Dan leapt into the air.

In a quick, purple flash, Dan felt his body change from small stallion, to small human.

“AH!” Dan exclaimed before crashing into a heap on top of Pinkie.

Pinkie’s heart beat rapidly as she held on tightly to Dan, his face buried deep in her chest.

“Uh… gwoofball?” Dan uttered out in a muffled tone.

“Yes Dan? Pinkie replied in an unsure tone.

“I lwove  ywou, twoo… but it’s kwinda harwd two brweath hwere…”

Pinkie giggled and loosed her grip, “Ooops, sorry…”

 “So… you two are good?” Twilight asked. “No more need for me to play love mage for a while?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, Sparkler… I think we’re good.” Dan rubbed the back of his head. “Man those pheromones really grab the reins and don’t let go.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… reins…”

Twilight rolled her eyes and smiled. “Alright, just try to keep out of trouble for a little while, okay?”

Pinkie and Dan shot Twilight a grin. “No promises,” they said in unison.

Twilight continued to smile and merely shook her head as she muted the mirror once more. She caught Pinkie affectionately rubbing her nose against Dan’s before the closet door slid closed once more.

Twilight put her book down and sat up. She made her way towards the bathroom where the same box Celestia had dropped off waited. With a glow of her purple horn, she ripped into the box and pulled out a fluffy looking, clean, white cylinder. She floated the roll next to her as she turned to the bathroom door and opened it.

“Oh heya, Twilight!” Spike greeted from the steaming bathtub.

“Out!” Twilight commanded.

“Awww, just five more minutes?!” Spike pleaded.

“You can’t live in the bathtub, Spike! OUT!”

“Oh, alright,” the baby dragon said reluctantly as he climbed out of the warm, bubbly bath water.

“Don’t think you’ll get to make a habit out of this, young dragon,” Twilight said in a somewhat maternal tone.

“Yeah, yeah…” Spike said as he exited the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He bee-lined for the kitchen. As relaxing as spending as much time as dragonly possible in a hot bath was, it made eating a bit of a challenge if no one was going to bring him food when he asked. He set about opening cupboards and the fridge to locate something that would make for a suitable snack to end his hunger.

“Oh… oh Celestia!” Spike heard Twilight cry from the other side of the bathroom door down the hall.

Spike quickly rushed back towards the bathroom. “Uhhh, Twilight?” Spike asked in an unsure tone. “Everything okay in there?”

“Have I… have I ever truly lived until this moment?” Twilight uttered out from the bathroom.

End Part 10

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 91 Chris Vs. Intervention

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 91 Chris Vs. Intervention

-ooooooo-

“What the heck happened to you two?!”  Ninja Dave exclaimed as he looked over Dan’s and Pinkie’s bruise covered bodies and matching left black eyes. “You get into another fight with some mythological or otherworldly creatures?!” The red shirt and jeans wearing ex-ninja baker suggested.

The four stood in front of Chris and Elise’s adobe house in the warm Southern California sun.

From behind the injured couple, Becky emphatically waved her tan arms and hands about in front of her pink’ NERD’ shirt. She  shook her head with a somewhat nervous expression on her face.

“Oh, just a minor disagreement…” Dan said casually.

 “With… whom?” Dave asked raising an eyebrow.

Pinkie giggled. “With each other!”

Becky sighed and smacked her palm against her face.

“You dudes… got into a fist fight with each other? You both look worse than after we took out the vampires…” Dave mused.

“But better than when we fought a supervillain!” Dan said holding up an index finger.

“What were you two even fighting about?” Dave asked.

“Who loved who more,” Pinkie informed casually.

“WHAT?!” Dave exclaimed. “Why would… why would anyone come to blows over that?!”

Becky sighed. “That’s the part of the reason I figured you’d be happier not knowing.” Becky knitted her brow and pursed her lips. “I know I would have been happier not knowing it…”

Dan shrugged. “I don’t see what the big deal is!” Dan said. A mischievous grin spread across his face. “Things ended well enough.”

Pinkie giggled and wrapped her arms around one of Dan’s. “They usually do~!” she sang out.

Dave’s mouth hung open slightly as he cocked an eyebrow at the couple. “Uh…”

“And that’s the second reason I figured you’d be better not knowing…” Becky said. “Elise warned me that just about any question regarding injuries between the two ended in that answer.”

Pinkie beamed. “So you’re getting along with Elise!”

Becky smiled slightly. “We have a few common interests,” she informed.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly and smiled mischievously. “Does one of these interests begin with a ‘y’?”

Becky frowned. “Maybe,” she said quickly.

Pinkie leaned closer to her friend as a cat grin spread across her face, “Does it involve the letters a, o, and, i?”

Becky scowled at Pinkie. “I plead the fifth.”

Dave chuckled. “I never pegged you for a yaoi chick.”

Becky’s body tensed up as her face turned a luminescent of bright red and she wordlessly began to stare at the ground.

“Ooo! You know what it is?” Pinkie asked with a grin.

“Well, I am Japanese…” Dave said. He turned to Becky and looked at her with a concern look. “Uh…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “HERE!” he said as he suddenly pushed Dave towards Becky.

“Whoa! Hey!” Dave protested as he quickly regained his footing.

Pinkie quickly pushed the far less surefooted Becky towards Dave. She stumbled and fell towards the ex-ninja who quickly opened his arms and caught the dark skinned woman in his embrace.

“Whoa… gotcha…” Dave said as Becky’s body relaxed a bit in his arms.

Her face still beet red, Becky looked up with a smile. “Thanks…”

Pinkie giggled. “Aww… you two are so cute together…”

It was Dave’s turn to blush. “Uh… heh… you think so?”

“Oh, I don’t think so, I know so!” Pinkie replied.

Dan sighed. “Are we done with this mushy garbage? Chris is probably figuring out how much food he can get on a napkin before he figures it’s good enough to eat as we speak... I’m guessing it’s not a lot”

Pinkie skipped towards the house past Dave and Becky, winking at the tan skinned woman as she went. She caught up with Dan and slipped her hand into his.

Becky gave Pinkie a small smile as Dave and her walked arm and arm towards the house.

Dan reached for the doorknob and walked into the house.

“Uh… shouldn’t you knock, dude?” Dave said.

“Pfft… We’re practically family!” Dan replied.

“For good or for ill…” Elise said as the group entered.

“Elise!” Pinkie said enthusiastically as she let go of Dan’s hand and threw her arms around the maroon haired woman. “Oh my gosh it’s been… almost an entire day since we saw you last!”

“Hey, Pinkie,” Elise said as she returned the hug. She broke the embrace and stepped back from the pink haired woman. “Uh… I see you’re still bruised and battered.”

Pinkie chuckled. “Oh these? Just a few love taps.”

Dan chuckled.

Dave, Becky, and Elise groaned.

“I get it!” Chris said happily. “Hey, Dan! Hey, Pinkie! Dave, Becky,” he greeted.

“Hey guys,” Dave said.

“Hey Chris, Hey Elise,” Becky said with a smile.

Dan nodded at Chris. “Garbage disposal…” he greeted.

“Hi, Chris!” Pinkie said. She bounded up to him and threw her arms around him. “It’s okay…” Pinkie said softly. “We’ll get through this, together!”

 “…Uh… alright…” Chris said as he glanced from side to side in confusion and slowly wrapped his arms around Pinkie. His eyes suddenly shot open wide and he broke his embrace with Pinkie and held her at arm’s length.

“Oh God… is this…” Chris gulped.

Elise walked up and put a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “It’s okay Chris, we’re here for you…”

Chris looked at his wife with a panicked expression. “Do I have cancer?”

Dan and Elise synchronized a pause and then simultaneously slapped their own faces with a palm.

“No Chris, you don’t have cancer,” Elise informed.

Chris paused. “... Do you have cancer?”

Elise sighed, her hand remained in place. “No Chris, I don’t have cancer either.”

“…Dan?”

“Monkey-face, are you going to go around the entire room?” Dan asked in an irritable tone.

“Chris, no one has cancer!” Elise exclaimed as she threw her arms out to her sides in frustration.

“Well… not no one…” Pinkie said. “I mean… cancer is not a fake thing…” Pinkie paused and looked at Dan. “Is it?”

Dan sighed, “No, Goofball. Cancer is not a fake thing, it is real, and tangible and someone has it.”

“So… Ninja Dave?” Chris guessed.

“CHRIS!” Elise said in frustration. “NO ONE YOU KNOW HAS CANCER.”

Chris cocked an eyebrow at his wife. “Are you sure? I mean… I know I don’t know a lot of people, but one of them might have cancer.”

Elise erupted in a frustrated growl. “GRAAAAH! I am not aware of anyone you know having cancer!” she cried.

“Actually,” Dan began, “I think this conversation has just given me cancer.”

Pinkie whimpered and dashed to Dan’s side. “Oh Dan, you can’t die!” she insisted. “You’re far too pretty!”

Ninja Dave and Becky shot each other amused looks.

“Holy crud, dude,” Becky whispered. “Next time let’s just skip the movie and hang out with these four.”

Dave chuckled. “You should hang out at the cookie shop more. I’ve lost hundreds of cookies because I was too busy laughing to get them out of the oven.”

Becky smiled at Dave. “Sounds like a plan.”

“NO ONE IN THIS ROOM HAS CANCER!” Elise shouted.

“Do you know that for sure?” Chris asked.

Pinkie gasped. “What if one of us had cancer and didn’t know it?!”

Elise pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger.

“Yeah, dudes,” Dave said with a big grin on his face. “Maybe we should all get CAT scans.”

Becky chuckled. “I heard those can give you cancer.”

“STOP HELPING THEM!” Elise cried.

“You feel that?” Dan asked Elise. “I mean… the more we let them talk the more it feels like we have cancer, right?”

Elise paused. “… Actually, now that you mention it…”

“Oh no!” Pinkie cried. “We’re the cancer that’s killing Dan and Elise!”

Dan nodded. “Thankfully, the cure is silence.”

Pinkie frowned. “Oh… well… uh… you’re screwed.”

There was a beat of silence before the group broke into laughter as Pinkie turned her head from side to side in confusion. “Wait! No! STOP! YOU’RE ALL KILLING DAN AND ELISE!”

 “HAHAHAHA…Oh God, she’s serious…” Becky exclaimed. “HAHAHAHA…” tears began to form in Becky’s eyes. “I can’t… I ca—MMPH?!” Becky felt something sticky suddenly clamp her mouth shut. She reached up to her mouth and realized her mouth had been duct taped shut. Looking around she noticed that Dave, Chris, and Pinkie also had duct tape around their mouths. Pinkie herself held a roll of duct tape.

“You… you even duct taped your own mouth shut?!” Dan exclaimed. “You’re the best girlfriend ever!”

Pinkie responded by batting her eyelashes at Dan.

“You did miss one, however,” Dan said, pointing behind himself with his thumb directed at Elise.

Elise glowered at Dan. “But I’m not talk—MMPHph…” Elise rolled her eyes in a ‘walked right into that one’ manner as Pinkie smoothed out the piece of tape she had just applied to the maroon haired woman’s mouth.

“Perfect!” Dan said as he walked up to Pinkie and planted a kiss on the tape over her mouth.

Pinkie whimpered.

“Oh…” Dan said as the downsides to Pinkie’s plan began to dawn on him.

*A round of painfully removing duct tape and two rounds of explaining that cancer had nothing to do with the reason everyone was present later...*

“… I have diabetes?” Chris suggested.

Elise looked up the ceiling briefly with an irate expression on her face. “Oh for the love of… NO you’re not sick.”

“…Pinkie has diabetes?” Chris asked.

Dan pursed his lips slightly. “Huh, you know that wasn’t a bad guess…”

Elise turned to Dan and placed her hands on his shoulders. “PLEASE don’t start! You’re the only pillar of support I have at the moment, and I’m incredibly aware of how sad that is.”

“It might help if you four weren’t so entertaining to watch…” Dave chimed in.

“Seriously,” Becky agreed, “you should have your own T.V. show, or something…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Chris you fat lard, this is an intervention.”

“AN INTERVENTION?!” Chris exclaimed.

“Well,” Elise began, “we’re supposed to ease into this, but since we spent so much time explain how no one has cancer…”

“But only in regards to people in this room!” Pinkie qualified.

Elise rolled her eyes. “Yes, I thought that went without saying… Anyhow,” Elise said, turning back to Chris, “your obsession with eating has gotten to the point where I think you’re in love with the concept itself. The amount of non-food items which you have consumed in the past several weeks is very concerning for all of us.”

“I’m more interested in how you do it,” Dan stated. “I mean, I’ve known you for a long time and you still find ways to amaze me with the things you ingest,” Dan stated as he held a palm up.

“I know, right!” Pinkie said. “I mean… I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten my weight in cake at just one sitting, but I’ve never eaten an entire sandal before.”

“In my defense, that sandal was baked into a cupcake!” Chris asserted.

Elise sighed. “Chris, as disgusting as what I’m about to suggest is, you could have removed the sandal and just eaten the cupcake. It would have been unhygienic and wrong, but less so than what you actually did. Which was eating something that someone had worn on their feet.”

“And not just any feet,” Dan added, “dirty hippy feet.”

“Wait…” Pinkie said. “’Dirty’ hippy as in Crunchy, or ‘Dirty Hippy’ as in the name that shall not be spoken because it’s now taboo within my franchise?”

Everyone paused and stared at Pinkie.

“Is uh… is anyone going to explain that one?” Dave asked.

Dan shook his head. “No,” he answered. “Anyways, Chris has probably devoured both their footwear at some point.”

Chris folded his arms over his chest. “I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean… it’s not like it’s hurting me or anyone,” he said sullenly.

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “There’s a reason people don’t eat shoes Chris… I mean, besides the fact that they're almost completely unpalatable to a normal person…”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Name one.”

“Well… shoes can have toxins and chemicals that could give you… uh…. The ‘c’ word.”

Pinkie giggle snorted as she wrapped her arms around her stomach. “Hehehehe-snnnch… Elise, I don’t think Chris is going to turn into a girl if he eats shoes.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “She meant cancer, Goofball.”

“Oh…” Pinkie replied as her eyes widened slightly. “Ooooooh…!”

Chris’s face went pale. “Alright, I’m willing to admit I might have a problem here.”

“Finally!” Dan said an exasperated tone. “What’s next? I vote we shame and humiliate Chris, possibly publically, until he stops eating non-food items.”

“No Dan,” Elise replied. “That’s exactly what you’re not supposed to do in these situations.”

“Oh, come on!” Dan whined. “It’s been forever since I’ve tarred and feathered anyone!”

“It really has been a while,” Chris agreed. “Not that I want you to do it to me.”

“Hehehe… You can tar and feather me!” Pinkie said. “Sounds fun.”

“It is fun!” Dan asserted. “For whoever is doing the tar and feathering, that is.” He informed as he held up an index finger.

“You see,” Elise began, “this is why I invited Ninja Dave and Becky. I wanted at least a couple sane people here for this."

Dave blushed slightly. “You think… you think we’re a couple?”

“…What?” Elise replied in a slightly confused tone.

Becky chuckled as she reached out for Dave’s hand, “You’re so cute when you’re flustered.”

“…Well, I do now,” Elise said.

“Alright, can the mushy stuff before I break out the tar,” Dan threatened.

“Dan, could you at least refrain from tar and feathering me in my own house?” Chris asked.

“Who’s threatening you?” Dan said. “I just want all the disgusting displays of public affection to stop.”

“Dan, you and Pinkie are by far the greatest perpetrators of public affection in this house… or anywhere else you go for that matter.”

Dan folded his arms over his chest and blew a dismissive gust of air, “Pfft… Are you kidding?! I hate public displays of affection!”

Chris rolled his eyes. “She’s raining kisses on you, right now!”

“Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!” Pinkie said as she audibly planted a series of kisses on Dan’s face.

Chris narrowed his eyes at Dan as Pinkie leaned down and placed her cheek next to Dan’s face expectantly.

Dan mirrored Chris’s expression as he leaned over and planted a quick peck on Pinkie’s cheek. “Mwah…”

Pinkie giggled.

“So uh… what do we do next?” Becky asked.

 “I found a support group,” Elise said. “I figured we could all take Chris to show our support, as well,” Elise said as her lips opened wide into a somewhat over enthusiastic smile.

“Yeaaah…” Dan replied. “Pinkie and I have a few errands to run so…”

“Dan!” Elise cried. “Chris is your friend!”

“She’s got a point, Dan,” Pinkie said. “I mean… the places we want to go to will still be there later…”

Dan chuckled. “You mean, until we get there!”

“We’ll we don’t have to destroy everyplace we go to,” Pinkie replied.

“Don’t have to, but should!” Dan asserted.

“Look, watching you discuss just how illegal your day will be is all fine and well,” Elise began, “but we have an appointment to keep with Amber.”

Chris and Dan exchanged glances and looked back at Elise.

“Anger management teacher with her own anger issues Amber?!” Dan exclaimed. “THAT Amber?!”

“Elise!” Chris exclaimed. “Last time I saw Amber she tried to kill me with hedge-trimmers!” Chris exclaimed as he motioned out with his arms.

“You dudes lead rather eventful lives,” Dave mused.

“Come on! I mean… you guys have a good rapport with her!”

“Oh, like blackmail?” Dan chimed in.

“And attempted murder!” Chris said.

“Aww, come on!” Pinkie said with a slight giggle. “Hehe… I bet a reunion will do you good.” She suddenly frowned. “And me… no one blackmails my boyfriend and gets away without at least a strong talking to!”

“Could you maybe upgrade the strong talking to a mild thrashing?” Dan asked.

“Eh, I’m planning on playing it by ear,” Pinkie replied.

Elise frowned. “You know what… maybe this is a bad idea…”

Dan smiled wickedly. “Good enough for me.” He reached out for Pinkie’s hand and dragged her to the door. “Let’s roll baby,” he said as he opened the door to the house and went outside.

Elise sighed.

“Uh… I guess I’ll be in the car…” Chris said as he followed the couple.

“You guys up for this?” Elise asked Dave and Becky.

“Uh, sure…” Becky replied. “But, Chris seems pretty willing…”

Dave nodded in agreement.

Elise followed Dan and Pinkie with her eyes as the giddy couple entered Dan’s red hatchback. “It’s not Chris I’m worried about…”

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 92 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Intervention

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 92 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Intervention

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 92 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Intervention

-ooooooo-

“Ahhh…” Dan began as he walked across the street. “Ye’ ol’ nameless ‘Elementary School’.” Dan stared at the adobe, two-story building as he stopped on the sidewalk in front of it. The school had a large sign that simply read ‘Elementary School’; a large, brown double door entrance flanked on either side by two large, rectangular divided windows, and a number of rectangular windows topped with a semicircle on its second floor.

Pinkie quickly bounded up to her boyfriend and slipped her hand into his.

“This place sure brings back some memories,” Dan said. He frowned. “Mostly involving anger, blackmail, and squirrels…”

“It’s okay, Dan!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Soon you’ll have fond memories of me screaming at Amber to add to that pile of unhappy!”

“…And a thrashing?” Dan asked hopefully.

“We’ll see~!” Pinkie sang out.

The couple heard the sound of another car approach and stop. They turned as Chris and Elise’s blue sedan parked behind Dan’s hatchback. The doors opened and Chris, Elise, Becky, and Ninja Dave all exited the car and walked up to them.

“Would you hurry it up?!” Dan said impatiently. “Let’s get Chris the stupid support he needs so Pinkie and I can go off and do more important things."

“Ahhh…” Chris said as he walked up to Dan. “The old nameless ‘Elementary School’.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I said that already, Jerk-Face.”

“This place sure brings back memories,” Chris said as Elise, Ninja Dave, and Becky closed in behind Dan and Pinkie.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… Dan said that, too…”

Dan groaned. “Do you have to drag me through memory lane, again!?”

“Well, this is where you learned to control your anger,” Chris said. He scrunched his lips to the side of his face “And also where you quickly forgot how to control it.”

“Bringing everyone back to the warm, comforting normality of status quo,” Pinkie said.

“Sooo…” Elise said. “Everyone ready to go in?”

“Yes, fine,” Dan said in an irritated tone. “Let’s…” Dan paused and glanced around him. “Wait, why are you all hovering around Pinkie and…” Dan’s eyes went wide. “Oh, no… PINKIE, RUN!”

“Uh… how far?” Pinkie asked.

“GRAB THEM!” Elise cried.

Pinkie stood still with a confused expression on her face as Ninja Dave and Elise quickly grabbed her arms.

Dan attempted to make a break for it, but Becky and Chris quickly grabbed hold of him. He flailed his legs about and continued struggling. “Unhand me, you cavalcade of backstabbers!” he cried.

“Sorry, Dan,” Chris said, “but this is for your own good.”

“Funny… ” Dan replied as he continued to thrash in Chris and Becky’s grasp and gnash his teeth. “… grrahhh… that usually precedes me doing something I have absolutely no interest in doing that ultimately doesn’t help me at all! Gah!” he cried as he attempted to pull his arm out of Becky’s grasp. “Erg…And why the heck are you so strong?!”

“Uhg…I’m not that strong,” Becky said as she clamped her hands around Dan’s arm. “I just don’t think you work out or anything…”

“WHY AREN’T YOU STRUGGLING?!” Dan roared at Pinkie.

“Come on Dan,” Pinkie said. “These are our friends! They wouldn’t be doing this without good reason!”

Elise breathed a sigh of relief and removed her hands from Pinkie’s arms, Dave followed suite.

 “Thanks Pinkie,” Elise said. “That’s very sensible of you…”

“Well,” Dan said, “would they have to restrain us if it was something we wanted to do?!”

Pinkie paused briefly. “Oh, uh… good point!”

Elise’s eyes widened. “DAVE, GRAB HER!”

Too late, in a pink flash, Pinkie had moved from her spot.

“Hey, Chris!” Pinkie greeted.

“WHA!” Chris called out an alarm as Pinkie practically materialized in front of him. “Hey, Pinkie…” Chris replied in a worried tone.

Pinkie clenched her fingers together and pulled back her fist. “You may want to let go of my boyfriend.”

“Eep!” Chris uttered.

Dan grinned a wide, wicked grin. “That’s my girl…”

“Pinkie!” Elise cried as she dove for the pink haired girl.

“Uh-oh…” Pinkie quickly sidestepped Elise as the maroon haired girl pounced down on the spot Pinkie was in a moment ago. With lightning fast reflexes, Elise thrust her open hand out at Pinkie who quickly tilted her head and body back in response.

“Don’t make this difficult!” Elise cried.

Pinkie zipped again, and positioned herself behind Becky. She poked her head from around tan-skinned woman’s head. “Tell us what this is about, first!” she replied. “WHOA!” Pinkie exclaimed as Elise threw a punch and Pinkie ducked her head behind Becky’s.

“HEY!” Becky cried. “I didn’t know this whole couple’s therapy would be this intense!”

“Couple’s therapy?!” Dan roared. “What the heck guys! Pinkie and I are a great couple!”

“Yeah!” Pinkie protested. “WE—OOF!” Pinkie felt a leg connect solidly with her abdomen and propel her a few yards away from Becky. She slid on her feet on the pavement a bit before leaning down on a hand and placing an arm over her stomach. “Owie…” she uttered with a pained look on her face.

“Nice kick…” Elise said to Ninja Dave.

Dave lowered his foot back to the ground. “Thanks.”

“PINKIE!” Dan cried angrily as he glared daggers at Dave. “I can’t BELIEVE you’d hit a girl!”

“Dude!” Dave exclaimed. “You’ve been trying to bite Becky this entire time!”

“Bite!” Dan declared angrily. “Not hit!”

“No one is arguing that you two aren’t a great couple!” Elise cried.

“You’re not?” Pinkie said.

“Whoa!” Dave exclaimed as he turned and noticed Pinkie’s fist was being held mere inches from his face.

“No!” Elise cried. “We just think… as a couple…”

“A very adorable and cute couple!” Chris chimed in.

Elise nodded. “Yes, as a very adorable and cute couple,we think you two could use a little friendly guidance…”

“Oh…” Pinkie said as she continued her punch, connecting with Dave’s face with a solid ‘POW!’

“OW!” Dave exclaimed as he placed a hand over his right eye.

“Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she retracted her fist.

“Pinkie!” Becky cried. “Not cool!”

“Hey! She owed him one!” Dan exclaimed.

“Yeah,” Pinkie said, “I mean… it was either that or Dan swears vengeance on Dave… again!”

Dave frowned and thought about this. “Alright, yeah, punched in the face is starting to feel not so bad, now…”

“Alright, we’ll listen,” Dan said. “NOW UNHAND ME!” Dan cried as he kicked his feet out.

Chris and Becky looked at Elise who nodded. They let go of Dan and gently lowered him to the ground.

“Now hurry up and explain the guidance garbage so Pinkie and I can tell you all why you’re stupid and get on with our day already,” Dan cried.

 “Well, for starters,” Elise began, “you both have matching black eyes and are covered with bruises you two have inflicted on each other.”

“What we do in the privacy of our bedroom is none of your business!” Dan cried.

Pinkie nodded in agreement.

“You two didn’t get all that during some bizarre roleplaying session,” Elise said as she placed her hands on her hips.

-oooooooo-<

“I love you more!” Pinkie said sweetly as she rubbed her nose against Dan. She wore her pink and white striped shirt and a pair of jean shorts as the couple sat atop a blue loveseat.

Dan chuckled. “Heh… No, I love you more!” he said as he returned the nose rub.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly. “No, I love you more!”

Dan frowned. “No, I love you more!”

Pinkie furrowed her brow and pulled her lips up into a grimace. “I love you more!” she shrieked at Dan, mere inches from his face.

Dan glared at Pinkie. “I LOVE YOU MORE!” He roared.

Pinkie focused determined looking eyes and pulled back her fist as she shifted her body weight to the right. “No…” She sent her fist towards Dan’s face. It collided with a solid sounding ‘POW!’ “I love you more!”

Dan placed his left hand over his injured eye and began to a low growl “Grrrrrr…” Dan pulled back his own fist. “No.” He sent his fist towards Pinkie’s face and also connected with a solid sounding ‘POW!’ “I love YOU more!”

Pinkie placed her own hand over her eye and glared out with her right eye at Dan.

Dan mirrored her angry expression and the two paused as they each locked their uninjured at with the other.

“I LOVE YOU MORE!” The couple shouted as if it were a battle cry. The dove on each other and immediately began exchanging blows and grasping at clothing, each one trying to get the advantage on the other. After a exchanging a few more blows the two grappled each other off the loveseat and hit the ground with a solid sounding ‘THUD!’

From their couch, Elise and Chris watched with a detached almost bored expressions as Dan and Pinkie struggled on the floor.

Chris sighed. “Should we break them up?”

Elise frowned. “I don’t know, we both got bit and scratched quite a few times last time we tried. I think it’s like cats with those two… you’re just supposed to let them fight it out…”

“I LOVE YOU MORE!” Pinkie shrieked as she straddled Dan and slammed her fist into Dan’s arms as he blocked her blow.

Chris paused and stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Wait, is that actually what you’re supposed to do with cats, or is that just something everyone says and we just sort of go along with it?”

 “I LOVE YOU MORE!” Dan roared as sent his fist into Pinkie’s side.

“Ooof! Owie!” Pinkie cried.

“Huh,” Elise replied. “You know, I’m not actually sure… maybe we could look it up.”

“I LOVE YOU MORE!” Pinkie cried as she sent her fist into Dan’s cheek.

‘POW!’

“OW!” Dan exclaimed.

Chris suddenly stood up and held up his index finger. “To the internet!” he cried.

“WHA!” Pinkie cried out in alarm as Dan grabbed her by the waist and rotated his body, successfully bringing her to the ground with a loud ‘THUD!’

Elise chuckled as she stood up. “You’re cute when you’re weird…” she said as the couple walked out of the living room.

Dan positioned himself over Pinkie and pulled his fist back. “I LOVE YOU MORE!”

<-oooooooo->

“Well, what couple doesn’t fight from time to time?!” Dan demanded.

Pinkie nodded in agreement.

Elise rolled her eyes. “Couples occasionally raise their voices and have heated discussions about things, sure, but you two may very well be the only couple on the planet to come to blows over who loves who more.”

“Look, I still don’t see what the big deal is, I mean… we made up,” Dan said with a grin.

Pinkie giggled as she walked up to Dan and placed her hands on his shoulders. “Hehehe… We suuuure did…”

“Yeah, uh…” Chris began, “…that was the other problem.”

Dan smiled mischievously. “Don’t tell me you two prudes have an issue with how we made up…”

“Not how,” Elise huffed out. “Where.”

Pinkie’s face immediately turned a luminescent shade of crimson and she hid herself behind Dan.

Dan turned his palms upward and held them up parallel to his shoulders as if asking ‘What’s the big deal?’ with his body. “Pinkie talked me out of us using your bedroom, and I mean… bathrooms are pretty self-cleaning for the most part.”

Dave glanced at Becky. “Should I be worried or insanely jealous of these two?”

Becky shook her head. “I dunno, I mean… one would think they could have skipped the violence and gone straight to the bathro... ” Becky’s face turned beet red as it dawned on her who she was talking to. “I uh…”

Dave looked at Becky and grinned. “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

“Uh… thanks,” Becky said with a sheepish grin as her blush increased.

“JUST KISS ALREADY!”

The couple turned and looked at Pinkie.

“Uh… what?” Dave asked.

“Your relationship is taking too long!” Pinkie whined. “So… kiss already!”

“Uh… we sorta… already did…” Dave said.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie cried. “WHEN?! Why wasn’t I informed?!” Pinkie demanded.

“It happened when I killed my first vampire,” Becky said. “I kinda… uh… lost myself in the moment…”

“Aw, dis!” Pinkie cried. “Could you reenact the scene for me, please?” Pinkie asked with a large grin as she cupped her hands together and held them below her waist.

“PINKIE!” Dan called out sternly.

“What?” Pinkie replied.

“Stop shipping your friends!” Dan folded his arms in front of his chest. “It’s creepy.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip in a pout. “But they’re dating! So it’s okay!” she whined out.

“Look guys,” Chris said, “we just think that maybe you two can pick up a few pointers so you don’t get into fist fights with each other and make-up in public!”

“Your house is not public,” Dan retorted.

Chris narrowed his eyes. “I wasn’t just talking about our house.”

Dan paused as Pinkie’s face flushed red once more and she attempted to hide herself behind Dan again.

“Uhhh… alright, I guess I don’t have a response for that,” Dan admitted.

“So you’ll go?!” Elise asked enthusiastically.

Pinkie popped back up from behind Dan and nodded her head.

Dan sighed as he glanced up at Pinkie. “FINE. If it will get you two to leave us alone.”

“Hurray!” Chris said excitedly. “And we’ll all be there for support.”

Elise glanced up at Chris. “Hold up there, we still need to talk about your problem.”

“But I thought…”

Elise shook her head. “You still eat things that aren’t food! It can’t be good for you.”

Chris sighed. “Oh… alright…”

“Hey, let’s all figure out something wrong with Elise so we’re all on equal footing,” Dan suggested.

“What?” Elise growled out in a warning tone.

“Oooo! Good idea, Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Pinkie, you too?!” Elise cried.

“What, that way we’re all dysfuctubudies!” Pinkie said with a smile.

Becky chuckled. “I like it. It’s got a nice ring to it.”

Dave grinned. “You four could get matching t-shirts.”

“But I’m a great wife!” Elise insisted as she threw her arms out to the side.

The group went silent.

“Oh, I so totally am!” Elise insisted. She turned to Chris. “Tell them!” she said as she motioned out to the rest of the group.

“Sure gorgeous… you’re a perfect wife!” Chris said in an unnatural cadence as he plastered on a fake smile.

Elise frowned. “I just said great… I didn’t say perfect.”

“Oh well… uh, you’re that too.” Chris said.

 “Chris, what’s wrong?!”

“Nothing!” Chris said as he held up his hands defensively.

Elise narrowed her eyes at her husband and took a small step closer to him, raising her face to look straight into his teal eyes with her maroon ones. “Chris! If you have a problem with me, I’d rather you tell me instead of letting it build up like last time.”

Chris exhaled and took a half step back from his wife. “Well sometimes… you don’t seem to have a lot of concern for my personal safety.”

“What!” Elise protested. “That’s crazy! I’d never…”

 “Oh,” Dave said, “like the time she used you as bait for me and I poisoned you with a blow dart?”

“Well…” Elise said sheepishly. “That was because…”

“And the time she made you dance with her even after you got a hairline fracture on your ankle?” Dan chimed in.

“But, I mean… my parents… they uh… never…”

“Oooo! Oooo! Or all the dangerous chemicals and machines you’ve worked on right in the house!” Pinkie added.

“Er… the thing is… I do have the shed, now… so…”

“And the time you tased me,” Chris said.

Elise winced. “I thought you didn’t know about that,” she said weakly as she avoided eye contact with Chris.

Chris folded his arms. “I’ve had time to reflect on that night,” he informed. He narrowed his eyes. “Being socked with a stun gun by someone in the chest after you say ‘I love you’ to them? Not pleasant,” Chris informed flatly.

“Well… I mean… I did all of those for your own good.”

The group went quiet and stared at Elise.

“Uh… I did most those things for Chris’s own good?”

“…”

“Alright, alright!” Elise cried as she threw up her arms in exasperation. “So I maybe only did one of those things for Chris’s own good.”

Pinkie grinned. “Aaaaand…?”

“Uh… I’m sorry?”

Dan cocked and eye at Elise. “Aaaaaand…?”

Elise sighed. “And, I guess we can talk about it at couple’s therapy…”

Chris wrapped an arm around Elise’s shoulder and pulled her close to him. “Thanks, sweetheart! It makes me so happy to hear that.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Elise muttered out unenthusiastically as she patted her husband’s chest with a hand.

“Great!” Dan exclaimed. “Now let’s find something wrong with Becky and Ninja Dave.”

“WHAT?!” Ninja Dave and Becky cried in unison.

“Uh, Dan,” Elise began, “they really are here for moral support.”

“Laaaame!” Dan exclaimed.

“I know what’s wrong with them!” Pinkie exclaimed.

The group turned towards the pink haired girl.

“They won’t kiss in front of me!” Pinkie said as she leveled a pink fingernail at the end of her index finger at Dave and Becky. “I mean… what’s up with that?!”

Dan sighed and reached for his girlfriend’s hand. “Come on, Goofball. You’re being weird again... might as well unleash some of that strangeness on Amber.”

“But… but… smoochees!” Pinkie protested as Dan dragged her towards the school and she stared at Dave and Becky.

“Well…” Elise said in a less than enthused tone. “We better go, too.”

“Cheer up Elise!” Chris said. “This way we can improve as a couple, together!” he said with a smile.

Elise exhaled. “You’re right Chris… I’m sure I won’t regret this decision and this will only strengthen our relationship and I also won’t regret couple’s therapy…”

“Uh, you mentioned ‘not regretting it’ twice,” Chris said as he and Elise walked to the school, Chris’s arm around Elise’s shoulders.

“Did I?” Elise replied as the couple walked to the school.

“You ready for this?” Becky asked as she looked up at Ninja Dave with a smile.

Dave chuckled. “Watch two weird couples hash out their bizarre relationship issues with a girl most of the group hates? Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Becky reached out for Dave’s hand and the two also made their way to the school.

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 93 Pinkie Vs. Amber

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 93 Pinkie Vs. Amber

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 93 Pinkie Vs. Amber

-ooooooo-

Amber nervously took a sip out of her plain white mug as she continuously squeezed on a red ball in her right hand. The blond haired woman kept on telling herself that this was a good idea, that this was a chance to make amends with Dan and Chris, but something kept on telling her it wouldn’t be that easy.

Amber stared out into the empty classroom full of brown chairs with built in desks.  She wore a light pink sweater over a white shirt, and a long, lavender skirt that hovered just a bit above her brown slip-ons. Her hair went halfway down her back and she wore red lipstick.

She took another sip of her chamomile tea, sighed to herself, and mauled over past events. So, Dan again… that pint-sized anger enabler might have been my greatest success given he defused a volatile situation… Amber sighed to herself.Of course, Iwas that situation… Chris, I only succeeded in pushing him to releasing his anger all at once, which was exactly what I was tryingto avoid… And, of course he just hadto direct all that anger at me. Amber grit her teeth. Turning the front of the school into a garbage dump… I can’t believe he’d go and litterall over the school of all places! Her face contorted into an angry sneer.What kind of maniac just goes and…

Amber took a deep breath, held her arms out to her sides, touched the tips of her middle fingers to her thumbs creating a circle on both hands and began to chant, “Step outside yourself… Step outside yourself… Step outside yourself…”

Alright, that’s all behind me now… Amber assured herself. This is a chance to start fresh with Dan and Chris! I mean… Chris’s wife seemed happy I had achieved somesort of breakthrough with the two of them… And I at least have some idea of how they both work in stressful situations. That should help with talking to them about their current problems. Amber frowned.Still… having both of them attend sessions with me again… Amber breathed a calming sigh and leaned back in her chair. Sounds like Dan’s come a long way. I mean… a job, a girlfriend… though, sounds like the latter needs some work.

Pinkie Pie… I wonder what she’s like… I mean… she’s either got to be a saint or out of her mind to be with Dan. Uh… I guess like the latter sounds more likely. Still, it’ll be interesting to meet…

“ALRIGHT AMBER! SHOW YOURSELF!” A shrill voice called. “IT’S TIME TO FACE THE WRATH OF PINKIE PIE!”

Amber squeezed her ball hard enough that it slipped out of hand and bounced off into the empty classroom.

“…her.”

-ooo-

 “You’re beautiful when you’re on the warpath,” Dan said with a grin. “Well, more beautiful…”

“Awww, thanks!” Pinkie said as she smiled sweetly at Dan.

Amber cautiously poked her head out from her classroom and looked down the long hall full of lockers at Dan and Pinkie Pie.

“Uh… Hi Dan, it’s been a while…”

Dan simply nodded. “Hey, Amber. You’re looking well.”

“Uh, thanks,” Amber replied tentatively. “You know, I try to keep in sha…”

Pinkie leveled an accusatory index finger at Amber. “Don’t you get all chummy with him! You and I have unfinished business!”

“Uh, I don’t… I don’t even really know you…”

Pinkie quickly closed the distance between her and Amber. “I’m the girlfriend of the guy you tried to turn into your own personal little vengeance monkey!” Pinkie shrieked.

Amber held up her palms defensively as Pinkie walked right up to her and placed her index finger mere inches away from the blonde woman’s face.

“Uh… oh…” Amber stammered out. “ Well… I mean… I just…”

“You just ‘What?!’ You just used Dan without a second thought?! Took advantage of his situation and forced him to do your bidding because you had legal leverage over him!? Kept him in thrall because you didn’t have the guts to carry any of your vengeance schemes out yourself?! WHAT!?”

“Pinkie!” Elise cried.

“WHAT!?” Pinkie replied as she glanced behind her.

“Stop screaming at our couple’s counselor!” Elise commanded.

“Don’t listen to her, Pinkie!” Dan shouted. “Remember how she threatened to send me to prison if I didn’t perform every stupid task she had on her list.”

“Sorry, Elise!” Pinkie said. “But you’d do the same for Chris.”

Elise winced. “Sorry Amber, she’s right… you’re on your own here.”

“But, I…”

“NO BUTS!” Pinkie said shrilly as she turned back to Amber. “You tried to use extortion against my DAN!”

“Well, yes…” Amber admitted. “But I said it nicer…”

“DON’T PLAY THE INFLECTION GAME WITH ME, MISSY!” Pinkie shrieked. “I INVENTED THE INFLECTION GAME! And also Parcheesy!”

“Wait… what…?” Amber asked in confusion.

Pinkie grinned. “It’s a board game that’s played with real cheese!”

“Oh… uh… that’s… interesting…” Amber offered with a somewhat concerned smile.

“DON’T TRY TO GET FRIENDLY WITH ME! I’M STILL TICKED OFF AT YOU!”

Elise looked up at Chris. “See? I do good things too! I mean, I defended you when you got hit in the face with an Epee…”

“No one said you were a bad wife, Elise,” Chris replied.

“I did,” Dan chimed in. “Many times!”

Chris shot his friend a glare. “Not helping, Dan.”

“Hey! I sent the guy who hurt you to Guatemala!” Elise asserted.

“Yes, and I appreciate that,” Chris said. “It’s just that…”

“Heh… Gagged, bound, and sent to another country! He could have died!” Elise said enthusiastically.

“Okay, wow… so that’s… kinda grim.” Chris said. “Anyhow, you just occasionally do things that many would consider completely reprehensible… Uh… to me specifically.”

“Reprehensible?!” Elise cried out.

“Also you didn’t help me against the lemonade stand gang until they destroyed our car…” Chris reminded. “So…”

“But they were just children!” Elise reminded. “I mean… okay… in hindsight they pushed me to the point where I was ready to get violent with them, but…”

“Yes, but getting my shins kicked by them wasn’t enough,” Chris reminded.

Elise puffed out her lower lip. “But…”

“Did we miss anything?” Ninja Dave asked as he walked up to the group with Becky, her hand still firmly grasping Dave’s hand.

Dan nodded in Pinkie’s direction. “Naw, Pinkie’s just getting warmed up,” he said as he continued to watch Pinkie berate Amber. Dan smiled and turned to Dave and Becky. “Elise is finally coming to the realization that she’s a completely horrible wife, though!” he said glancing at Elise with a smirk.

“Let’s not get extreme here,” Chris said.

“I AM NOT A HORRIBLE WIFE!” Elise cried.

Dan sighed and shook his head. “And you were making such progress.”

“Dan saved my life the day we met, you know!” Pinkie said to Amber.

“Uh, really?” Amber replied.

Pinkie nodded. “Yep! Saved me from a mugger!”

“Oh, wow,” Amber said in a tone of genuine surprise. “That must have been very brave of…”

“AND THAT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF HE WAS IN PRISON!” Pinkie shrieked.

Amber grinned pensively. “Okay, but… I mean he was…”

“YOU ALMOST ASSISTED IN MURDER AGAINST ME! YOU WOULD HAVE RUINED NOT ONE, BUT TWO PEOPLE’S LIVES IF DAN REFUSED TO GO ON YOUR STUPID VENGEANCE RUNS!”

“Well… I mean… hindsight is 20/20, so that’s not exactly…”

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME IF DAN HADN’T SHOWED UP?!”

“Just hit her, already!” Dan cried.

Pinkie turned back towards Dan. “I dunno…” Pinkie causally motioned out to Amber. “I mean… she’s not putting up much of a fight…”

Amber smiled. “I’ve had years to get used to people screaming.”

“She’s being smug!” Dan insisted. “Hit her for that!”

Amber frowned and motioned to herself. “I’m not being smug!” she insisted. “I’ve just dealt with a lot of angry people.”

Pinkie frowned. “I’m not an angry person! You just used my boyfriend for your own personal gain and are kinda a horrible person.”

“Horrible person!” Amber exclaimed. “That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow at Amber. “You string one of the people you’re supposed to be helping along doing the one thing he’s not supposed to be doing, against his will, under the threat of abusing your own power and sending him to prison,” Pinkie glanced at the ceiling and raised her palms in the air. “That’s pretty horrible.”

“I was dealing with my own anger issues!” Amber exclaimed.

“Hey, I get angry from time to time, too,” Pinkie said motioning to herself. “Especially now that I live here... but I managed to direct it against people who deserve it… mostly…”

“Don’t forget the time you beat up Debbie at the LARP,” Becky chimed in.

Pinkie sighed. “I haven’t.”

“Look, we’re all reasonable people here…” Amber said.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged glances, and turned back to Amber.

“Uh… define ‘reasonable’…” Dan said.

“You know… able to work through issues in a calm, respectful manner?” Amber said.

“Preeety sure if that was true Dan and I wouldn’t be here,” Pinkie said.

Dan nodded.

Amber sighed. “Maybe we should just set this aside from now and get the session started.”

Dan frowned. “But I wanted to watch Pinkie thrash you!” he whined.

“Dan, she’s all wispy and willowy!” Pinkie exclaimed as she motioned to Amber. “It’d be like beating up a toddler.”

Dave and Becky chuckled.

“Ouch, dude.” Dave exclaimed.

Amber’s eye began to twitch. “Toddler?! Now I may not look like it, but I’m perfectly capable of defending myself!”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Really? ‘Cause you kinda look like you could be taken out by a strong breeze.”

Amber gritted her teeth and her body began to shake slightly. “Oh, I think you’ll find I’m much stronger than I look.”

Dan grinned wickedly as he watched Amber’s body language shift from calm and collected to seething.

Pinkie continued to give Amber a skeptical look. “Like… you can lift an gallon of milk unassisted strong? Or are you talking about some stupid inner strength? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that’s just something physically weak people say to feel better about themselves.”

Amber’s eye twitched rapidly and one of the corners of her lips began to slowly drift upwards into an angry sneer.

Becky chuckled. “Ouch Pinkie, you don’t pull your punches, do you?”

Elise turned to Ninja Dave and Becky. “Why are you two encouraging this!?” she asked as she motioned out to Pinkie and Amber.

“Sorry,” Dave said, “it’s just... watching Dan and Pinkie is totally one of the most entertaining things either of us has seen.”

Becky nodded. “It’s like every moment with them is a hilarious car wreck about to happen!”

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie exclaimed turning back to the group. “Like a clown car that collides with a truck full of cream pies!” she exclaimed.

Becky nodded. “Exactly!”

Dan rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I don’t know… Pinkie’s scenario needs more fire…”

“Alright, fine!” Amber exclaimed angrily. “You want to throw down?! Let’s do this!” she said as she raised her fists in front of her face.

Pinkie turned back to Amber and blinked. “Wait, seriously? I mean… maybe I should at least get a pair of boxing gloves… or like… tie pillows all over my body before doing this. I mean, that lily-white skin of yours has gotta bruise at the slightest-”

Amber erupted into an angry growl. “GRRRRRRRAAAAAH! Oh, that is IT! Come on, Cotton candy hair! Let’s do this!”

“Uh, well, okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she raised her fists. “It’ll make Dan happy at least.”

Dan smiled. “It really will!”

“Uh, Amber,” Chris said, “you really don’t want to do this…”

“Oh, I think I do,” Amber said with a slightly mad grin.

Elise knitted her brow. “Uh, Pinkie might not look like it, but she’s not the kind of person you want to be in a fight with.”

“Oh yeah?” Amber said. “Well, I’ve got a few surprises of my own.” Amber’s grin widened. “It’s time I put my Tae Bo to use!”

Elise rolled her eyes and sighed. “I warned you…”

Amber narrowed her eyes at Pinkie. “Go ahead, Curly… make my da-”

Amber caught a quick flash of movement, and then everything went dark.

*Roughly 10 seconds later*

“OW! OW! THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY!”Amber cried as she laid on her stomach with Pinkie straddling her back, facing the opposite direction, and holding one of Amber’s legs in her hands.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… Now say ‘uncle’!”

“No… wait…” Amber uttered out. “I’m not beat yet…” She strained against Pinkie’s hold.

Pinkie bent Amber’s leg slightly and it made a somewhat sickly ‘Click’ sound.

“AHHHH!” Amber cried.

“Uh, Pinkie?” Elise said. “I think that’s enough.”

Dan shrugged. “I can stand to watch a bit more…”

“U…uncle!” Amber uttered painfully.

Pinkie nodded. “Good!” she said with a smile. “Now say… Olly-olly-oxen-free~!”

A painful grunt escaped Amber’s mouth. “Gurrraaa… Olly… olly… oxen-free…”

Pinkie hummed thoughtfully. “Hmmm… What else?”

“Make her say the pledge of allegiance!” Dan said with a wicked grin.

“Oh, good one!” Becky said.

Amber gritted her teeth. “I… pa…  pledge allegiance…”

Elise turned to Becky and Ninja Dave. “Why are you two encouraging them?!” she demanded. “You two were supposed to help Chris and I keep these two in line, not become their personal audience slash fan club!”

Dave shrugged. “I guess as an ex-ninja there’s something about the vendetta here that I totally get.”

“You let go of the feud with me easily enough!” Elise reminded.

“Yeah, but one of us was supposed to kill the other one,” Dave said. “Pinkie’s not going to do that.”

“One N-OWCH-ion…” Amber continued.

“Probably…” Dave qualified.

“Besides,” Becky said, “she kinda brought this on herself between the whole Dan extortion and then deciding she wanted a fight with Pinkie…”

“…for… for all…” Amber concluded. Her face had turned red at this point and she began hitting the linoleum tiled floor with her fist.

“Hmmm… what else…?” Pinkie pondered as she tapped an index finger against her chin.

“Uh… maybe she could say she’s sorry for what she did to Dan?” Chris suggested.

“OH! That’s a great idea!” Pinkie replied as she looked back at Chris. She returned her focus to Amber. “Say you’re sorry!”

Amber focused through the pain in her leg. “I’m… uhg… sorry…”

Pinkie looked at Dan.

Dan folded his arms and raised his shoulders in a shrug. “I’m not convinced.”

“You heard the man,” Pinkie said turning back to Amber.

Amber took a long, deep breath. “Huuuuuuff… I’m sorry I used you for my own personal vengeance schemes… Huuuuuuff… It was a horrible abuse of my power as anger management counselor…  Huuuuuuff… I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and we can start fresh.” Amber put on a pained smile.

Dan shrugged. “Eh, it’ll do for now,” Dan said.

Pinkie smiled and let go of Amber’s leg, quickly raising back to her feet.

Amber got up into a sitting position and stretched out the leg she had just gotten back from Pinkie’s leg lock. “Ow, ow, ow, ow…” she uttered as she rubbed her fingers over it.

Dan reached for Pinkie’s hand. “I love it when you inflict violence on my behalf.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… Yeah…?”

Dan grinned mischievously. “Oh yes, it’s actually quite the turn on…”

Pinkie’s lips parted into a grin that matched Dan’s. “You don’t say…”

Dan chuckled. “Heh… I do say, in fact, I think I remember where the bathrooms are, and…”

“DAN! This is a school!” Chris said in a tone that was half alarmed, half chastising.

“Well, it’s not like the kids are HERE at the moment!” Dan countered.

“Dan! Pinkie!” Elise cried in a tone that was half chastising, and the other half also chastising. “This is exactly one of the behaviors we’re trying to address.”

Pinkie’s face flushed red. “Oh… right…” she said sheepishly.

“I’d rather undress it,” Dan said with a smirk.

Pinkie pursed her lips. “Wait, Dan punned. Now I’m conflicted…”

“Pinkie!” Elise said forcefully.

“What!?” Pinkie replied.

“Can we at least make an agreement to avoid this sort of behavior where children congregate?”

“Uh… that’s fair,” Pinkie said.

Dan shot a glare at Elise. “Thanks Elise! You just had to meddle in our love life!”

“Hey, I’ve helped you two plenty of times in that department!” Elise countered.

Dan furrowed his brow at Elise. “So!? Doesn’t mean you have some sort of right to micro-manage Pinkie’s and my time together.”

“OH my GOSH!” Elise exclaimed. “I am NOT micro-managing your relationship!”

Dan smirked. “You spend more time fussing over Pinkie and my relationship than you do your own.”

“I DO NOT!” Elise turned to Chris. “Tell him that I don’t.”

“Uh… I rather not get involved…” Chris said sheepishly.

“CHRIS!” Elise cried.

“Erm… well… you do talk about their relationship an awful lot,” Chris said.

Elise’s face flushed crimson. “Okay, but… I mean… That’s just because…”

Becky leaned closer to Ninja Dave and spoke in a low hushed tone, “Remind me to bring popcorn the next time we’re invited out to hang out with these four.”

“Totally, right?” Dave replied. “Who’d ever know moral support would be this entertaining.”

‘Clap, clap.’

Everyone turned towards Amber as she clapped her hands together to get everyone’s attention.

“Alright, so this has been very enlightening as to the nature of everyone’s relationships, but maybe we should go to the classroom and have a more controlled discussion,” Amber suggested.

Dan grasped his chin and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully, “Hmmm… Actually, I’m enjoying the chaos here a bit…”

“Me, too!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Who knew couple’s therapy would be so intense?”

Elise narrowed her eyes at the couple. “Pinkie! Dan! All this is going to get us is more screaming, bruises, and then eventually someone’s going to have to call 911!”

“Wait…” Chris said. “How is that different from the average outing with these two?”

Pinkie shrugged. “I’m as confused as you are!”

“We don’t want an average outing!” Elise stated. “We want to fix it so the average outing has less of those things.”

“Oh, right…” Chris said.

Dan scowled at Elise. “YOU want to”—Dan air quoted—“‘fix it’. Pinkie and I are perfectly happy the way things are!” Dan looked up at Pinkie and gave her hand a squeeze. “Right?”

Pinkie frowned slightly. “Well… I mean… it’s a little embarrassing to have everyone staring at us…”

Dan frowned. “Since when do you care what other people think?”

“Sorry Dan…” Pinkie said weakly. “I know it shouldn’t matter, but… I guess it makes me feel like I don’t belong… like I’ll always be an outcast.”

Dan gave Pinkie a concerned look. “Pinkie, why didn’t you mention this sooner?”

“… I guess I keep getting swept up in the moment…” Pinkie smiled weakly.  “And don’t really think about it as long as you’re happy and making me happy…”

“Awww,” Dan uttered.

Dave looked at the couple in surprise. “Did… did Dan just say ‘Awww’? I didn’t think the dude could even do that without having a coughing fit.”

“Yeah,” Becky said with a nod. “Pinkie really brings out the best in him.”

Dan pulled up Pinkie’s hand and put his other hand on top of it, clasping it in both hands. He looked up into Pinkie’s sky-blue eyes with earnest-looking emerald ones. “Look, from now on I’ll keep that in mind and try to show some restraint when we’re out in public. Alright?” he said with a smile.

Pinkie beamed. “That’s all I ask for.” She tilted her head down closer to Dan and closed her eyes slightly.

Dan chuckled. “Heh, I thought we were avoiding rampant public displays of affection…”

Pinkie leaned down so that her mouth was almost in contact with Dan’s “Kissing’s fine…” she murmured out, her lips brushing against Dan.

Dan began to breathe deep, hot breaths that blew across Pinkie’s face with each exhale. “If you say soo…”

“I do say so,” Pinkie said before she placed her lips over Dan’s. The couple both parted their lips and wrapped loving arms around the other as they kissed passionately.

Dave and Becky chuckled to themselves and clapped.

Amber huffed in response and folded her arms impatiently.

“Grrrah!” Elise exclaimed.

“What?!” Chris asked.

Elise sighed. “They’re still so cute together…”

Chris narrowed his eyes and frowned. “Oh, I see…”

“What?! Chris, No… I didn’t mean…”

Dan and Pinkie broke their kiss. “Welp, Pinkie and I worked out our own issues because we’re awesome! We should be on our…”

“You guys can’t leave yet,” Elise insisted.

“What? Why?!” Dan said in an irritated, protesting tone. “Why should Pinkie and I suffer just because you’re a sucky wife?”

Elise narrowed her eyes. “We still need to help Chris with his problem.”

“And Elise with hers,” Chris chimed in flatly.

“WHAT!?” Elise exclaimed. “Oh, come on!”

“You two still have another issue to resolve, too,” Amber reminded as she looked at Dan and Pinkie.

Still wrapped in each other’s arms, Dan and Pinkie exchanged confused glances then turned back to Amber. “We do?” they said in unison.

Amber pointed to her left eye.

Dan knitted his brow at Amber. “How is the fact that you were stupid enough to pick a fight with Pinkie and get yourself a black eye our problem?”

“WHAT?!” Amber exclaimed.

Elise winced. “Yeah, you might want to get an ice-pack.”

Amber gritted her teeth and placed a hand over her left eye. She held out her hands, circling her thumb and middle finger once more, and began chanting to herself, “Step outside yourself… step outside yourself…” She took a deep breath, “I was talking about your own black eyes!”

“Oooo! Should we be Black-eye Buddies?!” Pinkie said happily. “Oooo! Oooo! Or I can get eye-patches and we can be Pirate Buddies!”

“Uh… let’s not…” Dan said.

“I want to be Pirate Buddies!” Chris said as he raised his hand enthusiastically.

Dan thought about this. “Huh… I’ll reconsider being Pirate Buddies if I get to punch Chris in the face.”

“Wouldn’t Dave be obligated to fight you all if you were Pirate Buddies?” Becky said.

There was a brief pause before Dave, Pinkie, and Chris began chuckling.

Dan frowned. “I don’t get it.”

Pinkie rubbed her smooth cheek against Dan’s stubble covered one. “Internet humor…”

“Oh…” Dan uttered.

Amber sighed and forced a smile. “Can we please just go to the classroom and continue discussing this?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fine!”

“Great!” Amber said cheerfully. “I’m going to get some ice for my eye and I’ll see you all there!” With that Amber turned and walked off into the hall, her hands still extended out to her sides with the tips pf her thumbs and middle fingers still touching.

The group turned and watched Amber walk down the hall.

Elise frowned as she watched the obviously perturbed woman walk away. “You know maybe this was a bad idea…”

Chris cocked an eyebrow at Elise. “Oh, so now that your behavior is coming up for discussion, it’s a bad idea?”

Elise glanced nervously from side to side. “Uhh…”

“You gotta admit,” Pinkie said, “Chris makes an excellent point.”

“Pinkie! Not you, too!” Elise cried.

“Well, Dan and I worked out our problem… and I mean… I guess eating shoes and stuff is bad, but it’s not relationship-ending bad,” Pinkie said.

Elise winced. “I didn’t think I was that bad.”

Pinkie blinked a few times. “Forcing someone you supposedly love to dance on a hairline fracture just ‘cause your parents never let you take dance lessons? That’s pretty bad.”

Elise sighed. “Maybe you’re right.”

“And tasing your husband?! Geez! I mean… talk about cruddy things to do! I mean... Okay, Dan and I have got into a few scrapes even after we officially became a couple, but at least neither of us sucker-stun gunned the other…”

“I get it, Pinkie…” Elise said tetchily.

“Do you still chloroform Chris?”

“Erm…”

“Yes!” Chris chimed in an irritable tone.

Dave and Becky winced.

“Ouch, seriously? Your husband?” Dave said.

“But, Dan…” Elise protested.

“You know, I chloroform Pinkie with far less frequency now that we’re a couple,” Dan said with a grin. His smile suddenly went supernova as he gave Elise view of all of his pearly white teeth. “I’ve found more satisfying ways to shut Pinkie up.”

Pinkie giggled and wrapped her arms around Dan’s. “He has! It’s a lot more fun than being knocked out.”

“See Elise,” Chris said motioning to Dan. “Even Dan knows it’s wrong to chloroform someone you love!”

“Well, mostly wrong,” Dan said, he smile dropping slightly. “I mean… there are emergency knock out times.”

“SEE!” Elise said motioning out to Dan. “He still does it!”

Pinkie gently put her hands on Elise arm. “Elise, it’s me we’re talking about. I mean Dan loves me, but he also spends almost all his time with me! Sometimes I’m not even sure how he does it!” Pinkie frowned. “I mean… there’s crazy… and then there’s me!”

“Yeah!” Dan chimed in. “And it’s not like you’re knocking Chris out because he talks too much. I mean, he’s stuffing his face half the time.”

Chris motioned to Dan. “Dan makes an excellent point.”

One of Elise’s eyes began to twitch as the side of her mouth pulled up in an angry sneer. No! This CAN’T be happening! There is no way Dan is a better significant other than me!

“Yeah, Elise…” Pinkie said. “You should really try to show some restraint…” Pinkie smiled. “Like Dan does!”

Dave and Becky winced again.

“Ooo, that’s gotta smart…” Becky uttered.

Both Elise’s eyes began to twitch. An angry vibration that quickly spread to her entire head, then body. Elise held her palms up towards the ceiling, her fingers curled into angry claws. She threw back her head and screamed in rage and frustration, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The group followed Elise with their eyes as she stormed off down the hall.

“Uh, I better follow her…” Pinkie said. “I mean… I still have lots of examples of things Dan does better than her to share…”

Dave and Becky stared at Pinkie with wide surprised eyes as color began to escape from their faces.

“Alright, have fun!” Dan said as he gave Pinkie a quick peck on the cheek.

Pinkie pulled her lips out far enough to make an audible ‘squee’. “I always do!” she announced. She turned towards Elise and began skipping down the hall “Tra la-la la-la la-la…”

Becky gulped and looked up at Dave. “Elise wouldn’t kill Pinkie, would she? I mean… Pinkie’s her best friend.”

Dave looked down at Becky. “Uhh… I don’t know… but if anyone is capable of killing their best friend, it’s Elise.”

Becky turned her head back down the hall and stared out down the long length of lockers. “We better go stop her…”

Dave nodded. “Good call.”

Dave and Becky began walking down the hallway. Dave stopped and turned towards Dan and Chris. “Coming?”

“Uh, in a minute,” Dan said. “I got something to share with my buddy here…”

Dave nodded. “Cool, see you guys in just a bit.”

“Yeah, see ya,” Dan said.

“Uh, yeah… see you in the classroom,” Chris said in confusion.

Dave and Becky continued walking down the hall.

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Elise cried angrily from down the hall.

“…What?!” Pinkie replied in a protesting tone. “I’m just saying Dan is way more romantic than you could ever hope to be! Doesn’t mean you can’t shoot for a pale, pale, almost bleached white comparison of his love.”

Dave and Becky broke into a sprint.

“I’LL DESTROY YOU!” Elise cried.

“WHOA!” Amber chimed in from down the hall. “Uh, Elise? Maybe you should come with me and have some soothing herbal tea…”

“You know who makes surprisingly good herbal tea?” Pinkie chimed in. “Dan!”

“AAAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” Elise shouted.

“Uh…” Chris shook his head as if to clear it and looked over at Dan. “What is it, Dan?” Chris knitted his brow and gave Dan a skeptical look. “And DON’T say I should divorce Elise. Problems or not, I still love her.”

“Relax, buddy,” Dan said. “Believe it or not, I’m not trying to form a wedge in between you and your wife here.”

“Uh, really?” Chris said maintaining his skeptical look.

Dan nodded. “Really.”

“Alright, then what th…”

Dan put his weight into the right side of his body and sent his fist Chris-ward.

‘POW!’

“OUCH! Dan, what the heck?!” Chris said has he placed his hand over his left eye.

“Now we can all be Pirate Buddies!” Dan said.

“Oh,” Chris said as he thought about this. “Thanks Dan!” Chris said with a smile. “You’re the best.”

Dan chuckled and waved his hand about dismissively. “Oh stop it, I’m not a hero. I’m just a guy who likes punching people in the face.”

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 94 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couple’s Therapy

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 94 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couple’s Therapy

-ooooooo-

Amber walked into the classroom with Elise close behind, the blonde haired woman holding an ice-pack over her left eye. She had just intervened in a situation where Elise seemed just about ready to get in her own fight with Pinkie Pie. Luckily, between her, Dave, and Becky, the three managed to keep Elise from physically assaulting Pinkie.

I can’t believe Pinkie was actually trying to help there! Amber thought to herself.I mean, alright, at firstI thought it was a well-meaning, but misguided attempt to help Elise… but then she just wouldn’t stop! Good thing Elise brought a couple of friends for support, and also explain that it wasPinkie trying to help. Though, I didn’t think they’d need to actually have to physically restrain herat any point…

Amber and Elise had stood back to chat a little more. If Amber was going to be able to help anyone here, she needed two things; information, and order. Elise was actually pretty reluctant to provide the former, and the latter seemed like it would be trouble for her as well.

Amber sighed quietly to herself as she approached her desk and noticed a plain, black eyepatch sat in the center of the wooden piece of furniture complete with a pink bow wrapped around it. This session is already out of control. Way more out of control than many of my anger management classes! I’ve even been in a fight! And this was just so I could get to know everyone and start them off on some advice! Who knows what will happen if I get them into group sessions…?

Elise walked over to the front row of desks, almost avoiding eye contact with everyone, including her husband, until she noticed the eyepatch over her husband’s left eye.

“Hey, Elise! We’re pirate buddies!” Chris exclaimed. “Arrrrr!”

Elise and Amber took a quick glance at the front row of the classroom. Dan and Pinkie had, likewise, donned eyepatches and were grinning back at them. Pinkie happily, Dan wickedly.

Elise sighed and raised her palm to her face, “Don’t tell me you let Dan punch you in the eye.”

“I assumed it was part of initiation!” Chris stated.

“Yeah, Elise!” Dan said. “I mean, everyone else who gots an eyepatch has been punched in the eye! Even Amber is putting hers on!”

Elise looked over towards Amber with a surprised look on her face. “What?! Not you, too!”

Amber grinned sheepishly. “Uh, sorry. It looked… fun?”

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed as she happily clapped her hands together. “More pirate buddies.”

“Uh, yeah…” Amber replied. “Let’s uh… cast off… and… erm… shiver these timbers!” She glanced from side to side nervously. Alright, Elise is upset, but she’ll probably still listen to me with an eyepatch on. Hopefully this will get Pinkie and Dan to work with me a bit. I reallyneed to put the whole extortion thing behind me.

From a few rows behind the couples, Ninja Dave and Becky sat. The pair shared and munched on a bag of microwave popcorn.

Amber squinted her one visible eye at the bag. “Where’d you get that?”

Dave swallowed the popcorn currently in his mouth. “Teacher’s lounge,” he said casually.

Amber furrowed her brow, or at least half of it. “But I was just there talking to Elise. How is it that I didn’t even see you?!”

Dave smiled, popped a kernel of popcorn into the air, and easily caught it with his open mouth. “Ninja,” he said simply as if the single word explained everything.

“Riiight…” Amber said as she eyed Dave skeptically.  “Uh, OH!” Amber exclaimed as she just realized something. Amber walked towards the center of the classroom. “I don’t believe we’ve been formally introduced. I’m Amber,” she said as she held out her hand.

Dave stood up and shook Amber’s hand. “I’m Ninja Dave, owner of ‘Ninja Dave’s Cookies’.”

“Ahhh,” Amber said, “the cookie shop Dan took me to after our… uh… anger management outing.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “We went out and dumped garbage in a litter-bug’s convertible,” he informed.

Amber grimaced. “They don’t need to know that!”

Dan shrugged. “Pretty much everyone already did.”

Pinkie giggled. “I know I did!” Pinkie frowned at Amber. “I can’t believe you turned Dan down. What the heck is wrong with you?!”

Amber cocked her exposed eyebrow at Pinkie. “Uh well… I guess I never thought about seeking revenge being a romantic activity.”

Pinkie gasped. “Really?! A guy takes you out on an activity just for you, you two wear matching clothing, he participates in everything you do, and takes you out for cookies afterwards?! And you don’t consider that romantic?!” Pinkie give Amber a blank stare with her one exposed eye. “Why are you a couple’s counselor, again?”

Amber scowled at Pinkie. “I guess I just have a different idea of romance than you two.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, a lousy one.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… My thoughts exactly!” She held up her hand as she and Dan exchanged a quick high-five. “Oh well,” Pinkie said with a shrug. “Your loss is my gain!”

“Nose snuggle!” Dan announced happily.

Pinkie giggled as the pair leaned over their desks and rubbed noses. “I love you.”

Dan grinned mischievously. “I love you more.”

Pinkie’s smile widened. “No, I love you more!”

Dan continued to smile, but narrowed his eyes. “No, I love you more!”

Pinkie’s grin began to turn slightly crazed. “No! I love you more!”

“Alright!” Amber cried. “Why don’t you two just settle on a roughly equal amount of loving feelings for the time being?” Amber forced her smile back on her face. “Hmmm?”

“FINE!” Pinkie and Dan said in a huff as they crossed their arms and turned away from each other.

Amber grumbled a few unpleasant things under her breath and glanced at Chris and Elise. “You two knew about the uh… garbage thing, as well?”

Elise and Chris shrugged as Dan and Pinkie grinned at each other and scootched their desks closer.

“I knew Dan was going on a vengeance run with you,” Chris said. “I assumed something illegal transpired.”

Amber glanced at Elise. “Wait, and you still wanted my help?”

“Well, almost none of us are in a position to judge,” Elise exclaimed.

“See!” Dan said motioning out with his free hand, the other firmly in Pinkie’s grasp. “We’re just one big group of people who understand that laws are really more like… guidelines…”

“Uh… Let’s just move on.” Amber turned towards Becky and extended her hand. “Sorry, I never caught your name.”

Becky stood up and shook Amber’s hand. “Becky. I’m here for morale support.” Becky grinned. “Not that there seems to be a lot of morals to support, here.”

There was a brief pause before most the group started laughing; even Elise chuckled slightly. Amber just rolled her eye. Amber made her way back to the front of the classroom, went behind her desk, and grabbed the plain, wooden chair behind it. She pulled it towards the front of the classroom and set down. “Well, now that we’ve all been introduced, I think we should start discussing why we’re here.” Amber put on a happy smile and turned to Dan. “Dan, why do you think you’re here?”

Dan raised his visible eyebrow at Amber. “I’m here because my stupid friends tricked me into coming about helping one of them with their stupid problem that I don’t actually care about.”

“Well, let’s start with why your friends think you should be here,” Amber said.

“My friends think I should be here because of a reason I ALREADY TOOK CARE OF WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!” Dan roared out angrily.

Amber frowned slightly. “Is it really taken care of, Dan?”

“YES! WE TALKED IT OUT! I AGREED, FOR HER HAPPINESS, THAT I WOULD ALTER MY BEHAVIOR! WHAT MORE IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT?!” Dan said in frustration.

“Well, sometimes when couple’s talk about a problematic behavior, it doesn’t just stop because of a single, short conversation…”

Dan sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “How is this a hard concept to get?! WE – TALKED – ABOUT IT! I don’t know why other couples suck while we’re awesome! And I don’t get why we need to be punished for it!”

“Well, what about the other thing, you know… the violence,” Amber said.

Dan shrugged. “Pinkie threw the first punch. I was just defending myself… you know… not that I actually mind or anything.”

Amber turned to Pinkie. “Is that true?”

Pinkie nodded. “Dan’s a pretty good sport about me getting into a fight with him.”

Amber narrowed her eye slightly. “No, I meant throwing the first punch.”

“Oh!” Pinkie replied as she glanced off to the side with her one, visible eye and rubbed her chin. “Yeeeeaaaah, guess I got a little carried away, there…”

Amber nodded. “So what have you learned from this experience?”

“Hitting Dan is wrong?” Pinkie suggested.

“Hey, now!” Elise interrupted. “Let’s not get carried away here!”

Amber shot Elise a quick scowl.

“Oh…” Pinkie uttered. “Uh… I guess Dan and I are just here still because Elise is micromanaging our relationship?” she said in an uncertain tone of voice.

Dan chuckled.

“I’M NOT MICROMANAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP!” Elise yelled at Pinkie.

“Ow… my ear…” Chris said as scowled at his wife and placed a hand over the ear Elise had just started shouting next to.

“Well… you kinda are,” Pinkie replied. “I mean, you brought Dan and I here ‘cause you had problems with how we express ourselves…”

“She’s kicking your butt, Elise,” Dan said with a grin.

“It’s not a competition Dan…” Chris replied. “But if it was, yeah, Pinkie would definitely be winning.”

Elise glowered down at her husband briefly then looked back to Pinkie. “There is a problem with how you two express yourselves!” Elise insisted.

“But you said it was okay to hit Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Amber held her palms up towards the group. “Look, I’m sure we all can agree that hitting Dan is wrong.”

The group mumbled out a number of halfhearted agreements.

“Thanks guys,” Dan said as he rolled his eyes. “Don’t hurt yourselves with your enthusiastic agreeing or anything.”

“Awww…” Pinkie uttered as she wrapped her arms around Dan. “I can agree that hitting you is wrong.”

Dan smiled contently as he returned the affection. “Thanks, Goofball. You’re the best.”

“Hehe… I know…”

Dan glanced up at Amber. “There! We worked out all our problems! Can we go now?” Dan asked in a mildly irritated tone.

Amber shook her head. “Not yet, I think there’s still some particularities about your relationship that bears exploring.”

Dan rolled his visible eye. “Whaw gwave wouu thwat iwea?” he asked as he attempted to talk while Pinkie pressed her lips against his.

“Uh… Call it a strong hunch,” Amber replied. She smiled and turned to Chris. “Chris why are you here?”

“Uh… Well… I have a problem,” Chris said.

Amber nodded. “And that is?”

“Well… I sometimes eat things that aren’t strictly food… often things that look like food,” Chris explained.

“I see…” Amber said. “What compels you to eat like this?”

“Uhh… I’m hungry?”

“Are you hungry now?” Amber asked.

“I have literally not stopped thinking about eating since we got here,” Chris admitted.

“Do you find you eat more during stressful situations?”

“Well, that depends on how much food is available,” Chris replied. “Uhh… you wouldn’t happen to have any on you now would you? No? Oh… alright then…”

Dave got up out of his desk and handed Chris what was left of the bag of popcorn.

"Thanks, Ninja Dave!" Chris said as he quickly began devouring the contents of the bag.

Dave simply nodded and returned to his seat next to Becky.

“Alright, so you eat uh… whenever you see food. Why would you eat things that just look like food?” Amber asked.

Chris swallowed a handful of popcorn. “Uh… Because I’m hungry?” Chris said with a nervous smile.

Amber sighed, “Does eating help fill any voids you feel in your life?”

“Yeah,” Dan chimed in with a smile, “his stomach.”

A small wave of giggles made its way through the group. Even Chris chuckled while Elise and Amber continued to look unamused.

Amber continued to look at Chris. “Are you still repressing your anger, Chris?”

“Well…”

“I like to think I’m angry enough for the both of us,” Dan stated. “Pinkie, too.”

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Dan gets angry at things I wouldn’t even think to be upset about!” she said cheerfully. “He’s like… like an anger sponge that soaks up everyone’s rage and then redistributes it in the form of fiery property damage!”

“Uh… thanks for that analogy, Pinkie,” Amber said. She turned back to Chris. “Now, about your… are you trying to eat Pinkie’s hair?!”

Chris quickly spat out the lock of hair in his mouth. “MWhnooo…” Chris said as he avoided Amber’s gaze and twiddled his thumbs.

“Ew!” Dan exclaimed. “Chris! I stroke and brush that! It’s bad enough I keep finding bits of candy in there! I don’t need to run my hands over your slobber, too!”

Amber’s eye widened slightly as she stared at Chris. “Why would… why would you even do that?”

Chris’s lower lip quibbled slightly. “What? It looked like cotton candy!”

“In Chris’s defense,” Pinkie chimed in, “my hair does look like cotton candy.” Pinkie snatched some of her curls and placed them in her mouth. “Aand iwt twasts lwike iwt, twoo!”

“Uhhh…” Amber uttered. She shook her head, clearing it slightly as she turned to Elise. “Elise, why do you think you’re here?”

Elise frowned and motioned to herself. “Me?! We haven’t even figured out Chris’s issue yet!”

Amber nodded. “Well, there will be plenty of time for that. However, I think you have some issues you need to work out, too; for the benefit of your relationship.”

Elise sighed heavily. “Okay, well… I guess I maybe… sorta… don’t always treat Chris with the respect he deserves as my husband.”

Amber nodded and smiled. “Good! Now let’s have some examples…”

Elise’s face began to redden as she grinned pensively. “Uuuh…”

“Oh!” Pinkie spoke up. “Elise sometimes stores weaponized chemicals right in the house!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Weaponized?!” Amber cried out an alarm. “Wha--”

“I already said I stopped doing that!” Elise insisted.

“Don’t forget the fracture you caused then made Chris dance on for several hours!” Dan chimed in with a smile.

“Or the taser!” Chris said with a frown.

“Or the chloroform!” Becky said.

“Or the time you used Chris as bait so I’d assassinate him instead of Dan!”

“Hey!” Elise protested as she leveled an index finger at Dave. “I figured you’d probably not kill Chris in that situation!”

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried as she raised her hand. “Also all the dangerous explodey stuff you’ve brought into the house!”

“Alright already!” Elise cried. “I get it! There are lots and lots of examples of me mistreating Chris.”

“Uh… fracture…? Taser…? Ca… chloroform…?” Amber looked at Ninja Dave. “Assassinate?”

“Uh, long story,” Dave said. “Back when I was still doing ninja stuff I stole some of Dan’s lactose-free cookies… this sort of led to me having to kill him…”

“Wait… you mean you’re an actual ninja?!” Amber exclaimed in disbelief.

“Well, former ninja… But… I mean… it’s in my name… and ‘Ex-ninja Dave’ totally didn’t have a very good ring to it.”

“I just thought that was a name you made up because of the shop!” Amber exclaimed.

Dan raised an eyebrow at Amber. “Why would anyone make a cookie shop called ‘Ninja’ anything if they weren’t actually a ninja?!”

“Well…” Amber replied. “I mean,”—Amber motioned out towards Ninja Dave—“it’s easier to believe than him being an actual Nin-”

‘Thoom.’

Amber paused as she felt a small, sharp pain in her neck.

“Whoops, dart in your neck,” Ninja Dave said as he held a long, bamboo tube.

Amber reached up and pulled out a small dart from her neck, and stared at it with a mixture of shock and horror.

The group turned and stared at Dave.

“Ha! Nice shot!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Wow, you’re still a sure shot with that blowgun,” Dan said.

“Thanks!” Ninja Dave replied as he shoved the hollow tube down his jeans.

“Ninja Dave, did you just dart our couple’s councilor?!” Chris exclaimed.

“What?” Dave protested. “She wanted proof I was a ninja! I gave it to her.”

“You gotta admit,” Pinkie chimed in. “Dave’s method is pretty hard to argue with.”

“Couldn’t you just have broken out a throwing star, or your sword or something?” Chris asked.

Dave said with a sigh, “I’ve tried that, but most people can’t tell the real deal from something someone picked up from the mall.”

“He’s got a point,” Becky said. “I mean. I have friends who have their own Ninjatō and Shuriken. You can pick that sort of stuff up from a flea market…”

“Alright, I believe he’s a Ninja!” Amber exclaimed in a worried tone. “Now why do I feel dizzy?!”

“Dave!” Elise said in a chastising tone. “Did you just poison our couple’s counselor?!”

“Pa… poison?!” Amber stammered out as her face went pale.

“Relax!” Dave said. “It’s not like I put enough toxin on the darts to actually kill anyone. She just might have some minor hallucinations.”

“Ha…hallucinations?” Amber stammered out. Her eyes widened in alarm. “Toxins!?”

“You drugged our couple’s counselor?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Awesome!”

Beads of sweat began to form on Amber’s face as she forced a worried smile. “Uh… Look… I know this is just a brief, introduction session, but I would really appreciate it if”—Amber’s pupils began to dilate as her smile widened—“if my furry, happy tree friends would all sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea with me!”

The group all exchanged confused glances and looked back at Amber.

“Wait!” Chris protested. “How come she gets happy animals in her hallucinations and I got flying monkeys that tormented me?!”

“Uh, I don’t control what everyone sees, dude,” Ninja Dave replied.

Amber’s smile suddenly dropped and she stared out into space with an increasingly worried looking expression. “What?! No! Put down the knife! The war was a long time ago.”

The group collectively got up from their desks and continued to stare at Amber with a mixture of confused looks.

Amber shrieked. “AHHHH! NO! DON’T KILL EVERYONE! STOP! PUT DOWN THE KNIFE!” Amber scrambled behind her desk and ducked under it, curling into a ball as she lowered her face down towards her knees and covered the top of her head with her arms.

“Uhh… call me crazy,” Becky said as she turned to Chris, “but I get the impression you were better off with the flying monkeys.”

“Yeeeaah…” Chris uttered. “I think you’re right.”

“Huh…” Elise said. “We should probably do something."

Dan mischievously. “Like set up tripping hazards around the room and try to get Amber to walk around?”

“Oooo! Like an obstacle course!” Pinkie said enthusiastically as she clapped her hands together.

“I meant something that would help Amber!” Elise said.

“I’ll get some water,” Chris said. “I got like… crazy cotton mouth when I was poisoned.”

 “Uh, I meant something a bit more serious than that,” Elise said.

“OH! So now my ideas aren’t serious enough, either?!” Chris snapped.

“Geez, Elise!” Dan said. “Give the poor guy a break, why doncha!?”

“What?!” Elise replied. “No! I just meant this might need more attention than a glass of water! Like, calling an ambulance.”

Dave folded his arms and blew a dismissive gust of air. “Pffft… She’ll be fine!”

“OH GOD! NOT THE GRENADE!” Amber cried.

Elise glanced at Amber then back at Dave with a skeptical look.

“Look, the toxin will work its way through her system in just a bit, and she’ll just have a mild headache! Trust me.”

“I trust him!” Pinkie said enthusiastically.

“Me, too,” Becky chimed in.

“I’m indifferent,” Dan said simply.

“I’m hungry!” Chris declared. “How about I get Amber a nice glass of water, and we break for some food?”

“Oooo!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I second that motion!”

“Normally, I’d find your obsession with food bothersome,” Dan said. “However, I think I could use a bite to eat.”

“Yeah, the popcorn wasn’t nearly enough,” Dave said.

Becky nodded. “Yeah, I could use some lunch.”

“Sweet!” Chris exclaimed. “Now let me get that water…”

Elise paused. “Well… I mean… is it safe to leave Amber here like this? She might hurt herself.”

“I have an idea!” Dan exclaimed.

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Dan’s ideas are the best!”

“Uh… Well… they’re usually effective,” Chris said. “I’ll give you that.”

Dan walked up to Amber with a wicked grin plastered on his face. “Hey, Amber. The floor is hot lava!”

“Oooo! I LOVE that game!” Pinkie cried.

Amber shrieked and scrambled out from under her desk. She quickly clambered onto the top of her desk and stared at the floor with a panicked expression.

“There!” Dan said as he motioned to Amber. “Now she won’t be going anywhere!”

Chris walked back into the room holding a large glass of water and handed to Amber. “There you go!” He turned back to the group with a smile.

Amber wasted no time in taking the glass of water and dumping it onto the floor, worriedly looking down at the linoleum tiles as she peeked over the edge of her desk.

“Now who's hungry?" Chris said, apparently taking no notice of Amber's behavior. "I’m thinking pizza… hmmmm… pizza…” Chris muttered to himself as his eyes glazed slightly and he smiled.

Elise stared at briefly, then shrugged. “Yeah, I’m good. Let’s grab a quick bite to eat before you all throw me under the bus again.”

Chris snapped out of his trance and looked towards his wife. “Hey! That’s a bit unfair, don’t you think?” he asked as the group made its way out of the classroom.

“Yeah, Elise!” Pinkie said. “We’re inside the school! All the buses are outside!”

Dan said with a quiet sigh to himself, “She means the whole providing lots of examples of how she’s a terrible wife to Chris.”

“HEY!” Elise exclaimed.

“Dan,” Chris exclaimed, “no one said Elise was a terrible wife!”

“I did!” Dan replied. “Just now!”

Chris continued, “I still think Elise is a great wife!”

Elise smiled and wrapped her arms around one of Chris’s. “Thanks, sweetie.”

“I just think there’s room for improvement…” Chris said.

Elise sighed. “Alright, honey, I can’t say I disagree with you there…”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… yeah, lots of improvement!” she exclaimed.

Elise scowled at Pinkie.

Dave and Becky tensed up slightly and began to nervously look back and forth between Pinkie and Elise.

“I mean…  I know I haven’t been the perfect girlfriend to Dan, but I’d never force him to dance until he broke a bone…”

“I get it Pinkie!” Elise said.

“Are you sure?” Pinkie said. “Because I mean… there’s lots and lots of examples…”

“Yes, Pinkie!” Elise said in an exasperated tone. “I’m sure!”

“Okay, but… I mean, how often do you chloroform Chris, still?” Pinkie asked.

Chris sighed. “I wish I knew… all I know is I apparently faint a lot…”

Elise shot a red hot, laser beam glare at Pinkie. “Dan, please start making out with Pinkie or SOMETHING so she shuts up!”

Dan glanced at Elise. “Well, that seems pretty counterintuitive to what you’re trying to accomplish here, but I’m not going to say, ‘no’.”

Pinkie began to protest, “But I haven’t even begun to-MMMPHPH! MMmmmm? Hmmmmm…” Pinkie’s surprised expression quickly gave way to a happy, content one as Dan pushed his mouth against hers and kissed her deeply.

Dave and Becky both uttered sighs of relief.

Elise turned and began to silently contemplate the situation. I can’t believe this whole thing turned into being about me… I mean I’m not thatbad! I’m mindful of how I treat Chris. Right?! Right?!

“Uh, beautiful?” Chris uttered in a somewhat pained tone. “I can’t feel my arm…”

“Whoops…” Elise loosened her grip. “Sorry, honey…”

“Uh, that’s okay,” Chris replied. “Though, I think you might need to drive while the feeling returns to my arm.”

Elise sighed and shook her head. “Sure honey… of course.”

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 95 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Questionnaire

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 95 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Questionnaire

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 95 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Questionnaire

-ooooooo-

“WHAT – THE – HECK?!” Amber demanded angrily as the group shuffled back into the classroom. Ninja Dave carried a pizza box in his hands.

“See, dudes!” Ninja Dave exclaimed. “I told you she’d be okay!”

“Okay?!” Amber exclaimed angrily. “OKAY?! I wrote ‘Floor is lava! Send help!’ on my window!” Amber motioned to her window to emphasize the point, the message she has just described was written messily in red marker across it.

“Ooooo!” Pinkie uttered. “So that’s what that was…” Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… I just thought you went bonkers and started writing fun gibberish! Hehe… aval si roolf!”

Dan scrutinized the writing on the window. “You know you’re supposed to write backwards on windows so the people on the other side can actually read what you wrote?”

“I thought the floor was lava!” Amber exclaimed as she motioned out to the floor. “I wasn’t thinking straight!”

“Well, maybe you should have done some of your stupid calming exercises!” Dan suggested. “I mean, if the floor really was lava there’s no way anyone would have come to help you and you would have melted for sure!”

“If the floor was actually lava, then the wooden desk I was on would have caught fire and I would have died anyway!” Amber cried.

“Okay, now you’re just being silly,” Dan said as he folded his arms.

Amber let out a number of incomprehensible rage growls.

“Look,” Chris said as he stepped in between Dan and Amber, “I think we’re all missing the important thing here!”

“Oooo! What’s that?” Pinkie asked.

“That we all got through this experience alive and mostly unharmed,” Chris said.

“Hurray for living!” Pinkie exclaimed cheerfully.

“It’s couple’s counseling!” Amber declared. “You’re supposed to be able to go through it alive and unharmed!”

Elise spoke up, “Normally I’d agree such sentiments aren’t worth mentioning. However, my dear, dear husband”—Elise smiled wide and patted one of Chris’s forearms—“brings up a valid point considering Dan and Pinkie are here.”

“Hey!” Dan protested. “Neither of us darted Amber in the neck!”

“But one of you punched her in the face,” Elise pointed out. “And the other encouraged it.”

“Well…” Pinkie said sheepishly. “… I mean… I wasn’t going to but then Amber wanted to fight…”

Amber sighed and forced a smile, though her eyes betrayed that she was far from happy. “Let’s just forget about the little episode in the hallway, shall we.”

“DONE!” Pinkie cried. “YAAaaaaaay…!” she shouted as she exuberantly ran into the hallway. “Dan! Dan!” Pinkie called out.

Dan sighed as he placed an arm in front of his chest and rested his other arm on top of it, followed by resting his cheek against an open palm. “What is it, Goofball?” he said in an almost bored tone.

“The hallway is full of lockers!” Pinkie declared.

Dan rolled his eyes. “I know! We just walked through it.”

Pinkie poked her head back in the classroom. “We did? How come I don’t remember?” She glanced around the room. “Wait, how we even get in here in the first place?!”

Amber stared at Pinkie then looked back at the group. “Is she… is she serious?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Becky confirmed.

Amber cleared her head by shaking it. “Look, what really concerns me is that I was just darted with a hallucinogen!” she exclaimed as she shot an angry glare at Ninja Dave.

“Well, how would you prove you were really a ninja?!” Dave cried.

“I don’t know!” Amber exclaimed. “I’ve never been one!”

Dave nodded. “There you go! You’re in no place to judge!”

“BUT you… grrrr… you shot me with a dart!”

“Aaaaand I saved you some pizza as a way of apologizing!” Dave said as he handed Amber the box. “I basically had to guard it from Chris the entire time!”

“It’s true!” Chris exclaimed.

Amber sighed and took the pizza box. She opened it and examined the contents, then closed the box. “You didn’t uh… poison the pizza or anything, did you?”

“Why the heck would I do that?” Dave exclaimed. “I already proved I’m a ninja!”

“Alright,” Amber said as she placed the box on her desk. “Sorry, but I’ve never been darted in the neck before.”

“And as long as you believe some dude when he tells you he’s a ninja, you probably will never be again,” Dave reasoned.

Amber’s eye began to twitch as she glared angrily at Ninja Dave. She pressed an index finger against her twitching eyebrow to cease the display of anger and forced her lips open into a contorted smile.

“Letss jusst continue our sesssion,” Amber said through clenched teeth. “Sshall we?”

The group returned to their seats as Amber took several calming breaths. Her smile returned to something a bit more genuine as she walked behind her desk and opened a drawer. She pulled out a few pens, and sets of stapled-together papers. She began to distribute the pens and papers amongst the couples in the front.

Amber handed a pen to Pinkie.

“Oh, don’t worry!” Pinkie said cheerily as she reached into her hair. She pulled out a pink glitter pen. “I always carry my own.”

“Uh, sure…” Amber replied. She turned back to the group in front of her and handed out pens to the other people present. “These are a set of questionnaires you’ll each fill out,” Amber explained as she clasped her hands together. “These are mostly questions about your significant other. Filling these out will get give me a pretty good idea about the state of your relationship and what you might need to work on as a couple.” Amber smiled sweetly. “Don’t worry if you can’t answer everything perfectly. We’re here to work on any problems you might have. Just answer the questions to the best of your ability.”

Dan’s hand shot up.

“Yes, Dan?” Amber said as she sat against her desk, her hands still clasped together. “Question?”

“Statement,” Dan replied. “This questionnaire is stupid and you’re stupid for giving it to us.”

Amber frowned. “I assure you that this will help me identify any problem areas in your relationship.”

Dan raised his questionnaire in one hand and swatted it with the other. “How are you supposed to identify problem areas if you haven’t even given us enough space to write our answers?!”

“Dan’s got a point!” Pinkie said as she looked over the questions above several empty lines for answering. “I mean… there’s just no way I can fit my answers in this tiny bit of space!”

Amber strained to keep her smile in place. “Maybe you two can just condense your answers?”

“What?” Dan exclaimed. “No way! You said ‘answer the questions to the best of your ability’!”

“You did!” Pinkie said as she nodded her head up and down. “You totally did!”

“I don’t suppose you two could just write on the backs?” Amber asked with a sigh.

Dan and Pinkie examined the white space on the back of their sheets quickly, then pursed their lips as they looked back up at Amber and shook their heads.

Amber rolled her eyes and walked behind her desk, fishing out a couple of large notepads from one of her drawers. She glanced up at Chris and Elise. “I don’t suppose you two need more paper, too.”

“I’m good!” Chris responded cheerfully.

“Uh… YES!” Elise declared. “In fact, you should probably give me two notepads,” she added as she forced a large smile.

Amber sated at Elise blankly and blinked a few times. “… Elise, it’s not a competition.”

“Yeah,” Pinkie said. “I mean… if it was Dan would kick her butt, anyways…”

Elise shot a death glare at Pinkie and clenched her fist.

‘SNAP!’

“Hey!” Chris cried as a black spray of ink exploded out from Elise’s snapped pen, hitting him, his clothes as well as his desk.

Elise sighed as she wiped a sprinkling of black ink from her face. “I need another pen… and questionnaire.”

“Me, too.” Chris said in a slightly irritable tone.

“… Sorry, sweetie…” Elise said weakly.

Amber’s eye twitched slightly. “No… no problem!” she said as she forced cheerfulness into her voice. “I’ll just print out some more… and get some paper towels.” She turned to Dan and Pinkie. “Dan and Pinkie, why don’t you two get started.”

“Sweet!” Dan exclaimed.

“Hey! No head starts!” Elise cried.

 “Still not a competition, Elise,” Amber said in a slightly exasperated tone.

“Yeah, and you’d lose anyways,” Dan said with a devilish grin. “So what’s the point?”

“Oh, it is ON now!” Elise declared in a determined voice.

Amber sighed, “Fine! Pinkie and Dan, hold up.”

“Awww, dis!” Dan cried.

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip out in a pout. “If I can’t write about Dan, can I at least stare longingly into his eye?”

Amber lowered her visible eyebrow and glanced up, almost as if she was attempting to check her own eyelid for an answer. She shrugged. “Sure,” she said before walking out of the room.

“Yay!” Pinkie cried.

“Uhhh… WELL I’M GOING TO STARE DOUBLY HARD INTO MY HUSBAND’S EYE!” Elise cried.

“Uh, honey?” Chris interjected. “I think you might be going a tad overboard…”

“Overboard, nothing! Prepare for the most romantic gazing of your life!” Elise said as she reached over to Chris, grabbed his shirt and pulled him in close to her. Elise stared into Chris’s one visible blue eye with her purple ones.

“Erm, beautiful,” Chris said, “I think you just got more black ink all over my shirt…”

“Shhhhh…” Elise hushed out as she placed an inky finger against Chris’s lips, leaving a black smudge. “No more words. Just stare deep into my eyes…”

“Uhhhh… sure darling,” Chris said nervously as Elise practically glared back at him.

“No fair!” Pinkie whined. “You still have both your eyes uncovered!”

“That’s okay,” Dan said. “I bet we’re easily three or four times better at looking longingly at each other than those two.”

Pinkie grinned. “Well what are we waiting for?” The couple immediately placed their elbows on their own desks, rested the chin against their open palms, and stared deeply into each other’s eye.

“Man,” Becky uttered, “it’s like watching a soap opera where anyone could get stabbed at a moment’s notice! Maybe you make should have brought your sword, just in case.”

Dave cocked an eyebrow. “What makes you think I didn’t?”

“Huh?! But…” Becky looked Dave up and down. He was only wearing a red t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of green and white trainers. “Uh, where do you keep it?”

Dave chuckled. “Heh, well down my pants, of course…”

Becky paused.Wait is he hittingon me? Becky giggled. “Maybe, you should show it to me in private sometime…?” Becky said with a slight blush.

Dave paused and stared at Becky blankly.

Becky froze. OH, God… he wasn’thitting on me…. Uh… wait… then he actually does have a sword…?

Dave smiled. “I think you and I are having two different conversations.”

“Uh…” Becky swallowed. “Yeah?”

“That’s okay, I totally like yours better,” Dave said with a sly grin.

“Oh, reeaaally~?” Becky cooed as her worried expression slowly changed into a smirk.

Dave suddenly frowned and glanced to his side. “Uh… Hi, Pinkie.”

Becky blinked. “Huh?” She glanced over to where Dave was looking and jumped in her seat, just noticing Pinkie had perched herself on the desk in front of her and Dave and was staring at them with a giant grin. “WHOA! Oh, uh… Hey, Pinkie…”

“Oh, don’t mind me,” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Just continue doing exactly what you were doing…” Pinkie said softly. “… Just pretend I’m not here…”

“Uhhh…” Becky uttered nervously as she looked back at Pinkie. “Kinda hard when you’re literally a few feet away and staring right at us…”

“Pinkie!” Dan called out in a slightly irritated tone.

“What?!” Pinkie replied as she continued to stare at Dave and Becky.

“Stop leering at those two and come back to leering me!” Dan demanded.

Pinkie blew out a dismissive gust of air at the lock of curls that hung in front of her face. “It’s not like Chris and Elise are winning, anyhow. Chris keeps on glancing at the pizza box on Amber’s desk.”

“Chris!” Elise said in a chastising tone.

“I can’t help it!” Chris cried. “It’s taunting me with its cheesy goodness!”

“Ahem.”

The group turned as Amber walked back into the classroom holding some paper towels and a few more copies of her questionnaire. Pinkie grinned sheepishly and darted back into her desk. She took Dan’s hands in her own and looked back at Amber with an innocent-looking smile on her face.

Elise quickly reached for Chris’s hands.

“Uh, honey,” Chris said, “did you just get ink all over my hands?”

“Uh… whoops?” Elise offered with an embarrassed smile.

Amber rolled her eyes and handed the couple some of the paper towels she was carrying. Chris and Elise began wiping off the black ink that was on their faces, hands, and clothes.

Amber looked over the two couples sitting in the front of the room. “You know, you four don’t have to display public affection around me. It’s not really something I consider when I examine relationships…”

“Well, maybe you should start!” Dan replied.

Amber rolled her eyes as she handed Chris and Elise a couple of fresh questionnaires and collected their ink stained papers and paper towels. She handed Elise a new pen.

“Wait, what?” Pinkie asked in confusion.

“Amber thinks you and I are faking affection to make ourselves look better,” Dan said.

“I didn’t say that!” Amber cried.

Dan leveled an accusatory index finger at Amber. “But you were thinking it!”

Pinkie paused as she considered Dan’s words, “But… who would even do that? I mean, that’s gotta be some super-special kind of desperate to even…”

‘SNAP!’

“Oh, come on!” Chris cried as a fresh batch of ink splattered over him, his clothes, and his questionnaire again.

“Can’t we take you anywhere?!” Dan cried as he looked over at Elise who had a new, fresh layer of ink splattered all over her.

“Technically it was Elise who brought us here,” Pinkie reminded.

“Oh, good point,” Dan replied. “Can’t you take yourself anywhere?!”

Elise shot Dan a glare then sighed. “Uhhh… I need another pen…” she said embarrassedly.

“Grrrrrr… Na… no… pro… problem,” Amber growled out.

Elise’s eyes went wide as she looked up into the ink-splattered face of Amber. Elise briefly looked Amber up and down, realizing she had also just stained the social worker's clothing. “Uh… erm… Sorry…” she said. “I… geez that looks like a nice sweater… I’m sure some rubbing alcohol will take that right out…”

Amber directed an eye full of burning hot rage at Elise. She grabbed the remaining paper towels in her hand and slammed them on Elise’s desk with a loud ‘SMACK!’

Elise winced slightly and tentatively grabbed the paper towels, handing a few to Chris. The pair began wiping ink off themselves, again.

Amber began taking long, deep breathes. “Huuuufff… puuufff… huuufff… puuufff…” She closed her eyes and began chanting to herself as she clutched her spare session print outs to her chest tightly. “Step outside of yourself… step outside of yourself… Experience the moment from a fresh perspective…” Amber opened her eyes.

“Fresh perspective or no,” Dan began, “you’re still splattered with ink.”

Amber sighed and looked down at her clothes. “I’m still splattered with ink!”

Elise pursed her lips. “I said I was sorry.”

“It’s FINE! Totally, 100%, completely FINE!” Amber declared in a stressed out, angry tone that helped convey how completely fine she was.

“Uh, Maybe I could—” Elise began.

“NO!” Amber cried. “You just sit there and I’ll get you a fresh writing implement…”

Amber stomped off behind her desk.

Dan and Pinkie looked over at Elise and grinned. “Someone’s in trouble with teacher~! Someone’s in trouble with teacher~!” they sang out.

“But…” Elise protested. “She’s not… I mean… I just…”

Amber walked back to Elise desk and roughly hit her palm against the desk.

Elise flinched and looked back up at Amber.

Amber lifted her hand, revealing a sharpened, number 2 pencil.

“Uh… a pencil?” Elise asked.

“Yes,” Amber replied. “TRY not to stab anyone with it.”

Dan and Pinkie looked at each other and grinned. “OOOoooOOOOoooo!”

“Riiight… Sure!” Elise said as she grabbed the pencil. “This will be fine.”

Amber nodded and forced a tortured, smile onto her face. “You may begin!”

Dan, Pinkie, and Elise began feverishly writing as Chris began to carefully read each question, tapping his pen thoughtfully against his cheek as he read each one.

Amber just shook her head walked back into the hall, returning with more paper towels. She walked in front of her class, heading for the window. “WHAAA!” she cried as she slipped on the water in front of her desk.

‘THUD!’

“YES!” Ninja Dave cried. “I KNEW she’d forget!”

“DANGIT!” Becky shouted. “Guess dinner’s on me tonight,” she sighed out.

Chris stood up. “Are you okay?”

“Chris!” Elise cried. “Less talking more writing!”

“But Amber just…”

“THEY’RE BEATING US, CHRIS!” Elise cried as she motioned out to Dan and Pinkie.

Dan and Pinkie continued feverously filling out their questionnaires, pausing only when they ran out of room on the sheets in front of them and continuing to write on their notepads.

Chris sighed, sat back in his seat, and began filling out his own questionnaire.

Amber sat and directed a twitching eye and rageful glare at Elise as she walked over to her window and began scrubbing the marker off of it.

Elise continued to scrawl away on her own sheets of paper, oblivious to the angry expression that had just been shot in her direction.

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 96 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Obsession

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 96 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Obsession

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 96 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Obsession

-ooooooo-

Amber sighed as she flipped through the notepad that sat on her desk in front of her.

“Oh, come on!” Dan cried. “You’ve done that at like the last several dozen pages.”

“I’m sorry,” Amber offered. “But there’s just so much to read! I never had anybody hand me a notepad full of extended answers to the questionnaires, let alone three people! And my um… Old English reading skills…? A bit out of practice.”

“It’s Shakespearean!” Dan insisted forcefully. “It’s early modern English! Geez! Read a book, will ya?”

“I feel like I’ve just read a book,” Amber said. “Several, in fact!” she added, motioning out to the collection of papers and notepads sitting in a pile on her desk. “Geez, most people can write about a relationship with someone in a nice, tidy, short fashion. But this just keeps going on and on, and I’m not sure if it’s ever going to stop or get anywhere!”

“I’m going somewhere with it!” Dan said. “I just… you know… wanted to make sure I covered everything before I got to the juicy stuff,” Dan said sullenly.

“Awww,” Pinkie uttered, “I think Dan’s poetry is really sweet. Even the stuff I don’t understand… Especially the stuff I don’t understand! It’s all just so soothing! And pretty! It makes me want to grab him and never let go!” Pinkie exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around Dan and began nuzzling his stubble-covered cheek.

“Speaking of juicy stuff,” Amber interjected, “Pinkie, in between answering the questions in grueling detail, you took time to draw and even diagram some of the stuff you and Dan do together.”

“Was that bad?” Pinkie asked.

“Well, it’s just good I’m legally bound not to disclose some of this…” Amber said.

“Oh, like you’re one to talk!” Dan exclaimed.

Amber paused. “Uh… alright. Fair enough. Anyhow, those parts weren’t nearly as… uh… how do I put this…?”

“Oooo!” Pinkie cried excitedly. “Hot? Exciting? Tantalizing? Exciting?” Pinkie’s lips raised into a mischievous grin and she quickly raised and lowered her eyebrows. “Arousing?”

“Well, add weird onto all that, and sure, those things.” Amber picked up Pinkie’s questionnaire and flipped through a few pages. “Your idea of romance outside the bedroom is also a little, uh… different,” Amber said.

“What do you mean?” Pinkie asked.

“Well, you said one of your favorite dates was at a Chuck E. Cheese,” Amber exclaimed.

Pinkie giggled. “Yeaaah…” she said wistfully. “That was one of the bestest nights of my entire life!”

Chris glanced over at the couple quizzically. “Dan, you hate Chuck E. Cheese. It’s ended up on your list more than once and you’ve assaulted a mascot.”

“True,” Dan replied. “However, I love Pinkie Pie, and that place is just full of the kitschy, noisy, cartoony nonsense that Pinkie eats up with a spoon.”

“Hehehe… Remember the ball pit?” Pinkie asked as she gazed longingly into Dan’s emerald eyes.

Dan grabbed both of Pinkie’s hands with his own and interlaced his fingers, holding up both sets of hands at his chest level. “How can I forget?”

“Wait…” Becky said from further back in the class. “I thought Chuck E. Cheese stopped with the ball pits back, like… a decade ago.”

Pinkie nodded as she continued to stare into Dan’s eyes. “Yeah. Dan got so angry when he found out that we hijacked a dump truck, filled it with plastic balls, and dumped it into the restaurant.”

“And you guys didn’t invite me?!” Chris exclaimed.

“Chris!” Elise cried out.

“Sorry, but it just sounded like so much fun!” Chris explained.

Dan turned to Chris and raised his eyebrow. “It was a date, stupid,” he said.

“Oh, right…” Chris said in a disappointed tone. He looked over at Dan. “I didn’t know you were a fan of ball pits.”

“I’M ALLOWED TO LIKE FUN THINGS!” Dan said defensively.

“We do fun things, too!” Elise insisted. “Remember our trip a few weeks ago?!”

“Well, that was relaxing, lots of museums and stuff,” Chris replied. “I mean, I had fun… but not ball pit fun…”

Elise furrowed her brow at her husband then turned to Amber. “Alright, in my defense, it wasn’t until Pinkie showed up a few months ago that Chris and I could do almost anything without Dan.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Still not a competition, Elise.” Amber turned back to face Dan and Pinkie. “Anyhow, illegal activities aside, there are still a few other things that concern me about your relationship.”

“What!?” Dan cried. “What are you talking about?! We’re an amazing couple! We’re practically handcuffed together!”

“Yeah!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Especially the times we are handcuffed together!”

Ninja Dave raised an eyebrow. “Trouble with the law?”

“Huh?” Pinkie said as she glanced back into the classroom. “No… Dan and I are very good at avoiding the police! They haven’t caught us once! Why’d you ask?”

Dave pondered this. “… Riiight…. Forget I said anything…”

Pinkie’s lower lip puffed out in a pout. “But I like some of the things you’ve said.  And… I mean… you’ve talked a lot to me! If I just forgot that you could talk I’d have to assume that I’m crazy… er.”

“He just means the last couple sentences, Goofball,” Dan explained.

“OOOOooooh…” Pinkie grinned. “I can do that!”

“Look,” Amber said forcefully, “the part where you two almost never spend anytime apart from one another is the issue! I’ve seen stuff like this from one partner in a couple, but never both! You two are completely obsessed with one another! You’ve both listed off things in your questionnaires that I’m almost certain the other doesn’t even know about themselves!”

Pinkie’s lower lip quivered. “But… we’re in love!”

Amber nodded. “And that’s good! But couple’s don’t need to spend every waking—”

“And sleeping!” Dan interjected.

Amber sighed as she continued to talk, “—and sleeping moment together. You two work at the same place, have pretty much the exact same hobbies, taste in movies, music, video games, television shows… you name it. Aside from your very different dispositions, the only thing Dan doesn’t seem to know is the names of Pinkie’s best and closest friends…”

“What?!” Dan protested. “I totally know the names of all her friends!” Dan insisted.

Amber raised an eyebrow. “You expect me to believe that Twilight ‘Sparkler’, ‘Too Purple’ Sparkles; and Rainbow ‘Art Project’ Dash are names of real people?”

“Hey! Those are totally…” Dan paused. “Wait…uh… people?” Dan said nervously.

“Now you’re making fun of my friend’s names, too!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I thought this was couple’s therapy! Not… uh… make fun of names time!” Pinkie said in a mildly angry tone.

Amber squinted at the list in front of her. “Fluttershy is actually the name of someone?!”

Pinkie paused and thought about it. “Some… one?”

Elise quickly rose her hand. “Uh, I can vouch for Dan and Pinkie here. Those are, in fact, the names of Pinkie’s friends.”

“Oh… okay…” Amber said in a confused tone.

“Look!” Dan exclaimed. “I don’t see what the big deal is! So we like to spend a lot of time together! How is that unhealthy?”

Amber focused her attention to Dan. “Pinkie took the time to count all the hairs on your body.”

Dan frowned. “Well, I’d do the same, but my hands keep getting stuck in her hair.”

“Yeah…” Pinkie uttered. “My hair kinda has a mind of its own sometime…”

“COUPLE’S AREN’T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!” Amber cried. “YOU TWO ARE LIKE A PAIR OF CRAZY STALKERS WHO WITH A RIDICULOUSLY EXTREME DEFINITION OF LOVE! THE ONLY REASON I CAN THINK OF WHY ONE OF YOU HASN’T DRIVEN THE OTHER CRAZY IS THAT YOU WERE BOTH INSANE TO BEGIN WITH!”

The room went quiet.

Dan broke the silence. “… You say that as if it’s news to anybody…”

Amber let out a frustrated growl. “GRRRAAAWL!”

“Oooo! Are we doing animal calls now?!” Pinkie said excitably. “I guess… bear! Did I get it?! Did I?! Did I?!”

Amber glared out at Pinkie with her one visible eye.

“I’m just going to take your rageful eye spasms as a ‘yes’,” Pinkie said cheerfully. “My turn!” she announced.

Dan raised his hands up to his head and covered his ears.

Pinkie inhaled a large volume of air and followed that up with a high pitched, blood curdling shriek, “HWAIIIEEE!”

Everyone besides Dan and Pinkie winced and contorted their faces as Pinkie’s call pierced the air and began ringing in their ears.

“Dude! OW!” Ninja Dave cried as rubbed the inside of one of his ears with a pinkie finger.

“What the heck was that?!” Becky cried as she rubbed her palms against both her ears.

Pinkie giggled. “Well, I can’t just tell you! You’re supposed to guess, silly-billy!”

“I know it!” Dan said cheerfully.

“Now Dan,” Pinkie said in a slightly maternal tone. “You should give other people a chance to guess.”

“Oh, all right…” Dan said sullenly.

“WE’RE NOT PLAYING ‘GUESS THE ANIMAL CALL!’” Amber shrieked.

“But it’s so much fun!” Pinkie protested. “Dan and I play it all the time!”

“Yes! I KNOW!” Amber cried. “I know way more about your relationship than I ever would have wanted!”

Pinkie gave out a disappointed sigh as she began to speak, “Fine… it was a fox, by the way…”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Amber. “Why are you getting mad at us?! You’re the one who handed us the stupid questionnaires.”

Amber began to breathe long deep breaths as she glared at Dan. “Huuufff… puuufff… Alright, I guess I can’t blame you two for being thorough… Look, all I’m saying is that it might be a little healthier for the both of you if you spent some time away from each other every once and a while… I mean… you two seem pretty much incapable of keeping your hands off one another for even short periods of time!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Amber. “Well, now that just sounds a little extreme.”

Amber cocked her eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest. “You’re not even sitting in your own desk, anymore! You’re sitting in Dan’s… on his lap.”

For her seat on top of Dan’s lap with her arms wrapped around him, Pinkie scrunched her face into a frustrated pout. “But the desks are so confining!” she whined.

“Well, now you’re even more confined!” Amber pointed out.

Pinkie grinned. “Yeah, but I don’t mind being confined like this.”

Amber sighed as she raised her palm up to her face. “Look,” she began as she lowered her palm and focused her eye on the couple now sharing a desk, “I know this fairytale romance approach seems fun now, but it’s bound to get on one of your nerves eventually.”

“I’m not so certain—” Dan began.

Amber continued as her eye began to focus off into the distance. “Just out of the blue, one of you will suddenly get fed up! Won’t that be a surprise! Probably during ‘best couple ever movie’ night…”

Dan and Pinkie exchanged a confused glance.

“Uh…” Pinkie began, “… we don’t have ‘best cou—”

“You’ll think everything is perfect!” Amber’s briefly turned happy as she continued to look at no one in particular. “You’ll think ‘I’ve found the one! I’m going to be with this person forever!’” Her expression suddenly turned angry. “And then BAM! Out of the blue they’re just like… 'I think we should start seeing other people!' And you’ll be shocked! Because you were doing everything right! Spending all your time with them! Building your entire world around them! And just like that they tell you you’re smothering them!”

“Wow…” Dan uttered as he watched the display in front of him. “There’s about to lose it… then there’s this…”

“Yeah…” Pinkie said in a worried tone.  “Who’d have thought spending time together could cause meltydowns?”

Amber became increasingly agitated and her motions more forceful as she continued her diatribe.

“… And you’re like, ‘It’s okay, snukikins! Maybe we just need a short break from eachother!’  But they’ll be like, ‘I think we should start seeing other people!’ And then it won’t matter how much you tell them you can make it work or you’ll change! It turns out the love you thought they had for you is gone! And soon they are too!”

“Dan…?” Pinkie said. “I’m scared…” she said softly as she tightened her grip on her boyfriend.

“Me too, Pinkie,” Dan admitted as he stared out at Amber. “Me too.”

“…AND THAT’S IT! NO SECOND CHANCES! NO WAY TO MAKE THINGS UP! THEY’RE JUST GONE DADDY, GONE!”

“Wow,” Chris uttered. “That sounds like one heck of a breakup. Pretty much all the girls who’ve broken up with me just call… or like… run screaming because of Dan,” Chris mused.

“Huh…” Elise uttered. “I don’t think anyone has ever broken up with me… I either leave them or my boyfriends die in freak accidents… you know… especially the one who died in an accident involving real freaks…”  Elise winced as she turned to Chris. “Not that I’d ever let something like that happen to you!” she said nervously.

Chris looked over at his wife and shrugged. “Pretty sure I’ve been in way more dangerous situations because of Dan than anything we’ve done together.”

“…AND THEN YOU’LL BE ALL ALONE! LEFT IN AN EMPTY APARTMENT FULL OF REMINDERS OF THE”—Amber sneered as she air quoted—“‘PERFECT LOVE’ YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD! Nothing left to do but bury the memory of your love with pints and pints of ice cream and lock the pain deep inside yourself and put on a fake smile! You’ll go back out into the world and pretend… PRETEND everything’s okay when really your entire outlook on life and love has been shattered…”

“Uh… geez…” Becky uttered as she continued to watch Amber. “I think, maybe, just maybe, this girl needs to work on how she deals with bad events in her life.”

Dave chuckled. “Totally, I mean… I lost my entire Ninja clan to a bus accident, and I just kept the clan, going by myself for a while, you know?”

“Whoa, that sucks…” Becky replied.

Dave shrugged. “Like I said, I guess I kinda got over it.”

“Yeah…” Becky said. “I lost my best friend to a barber duel he wasn’t even competing in… I mean… this girl needs, uh…”

“Relationship counseling?” Dave suggested with a smirk.

Becky giggled. “Hehehe… totally…”

“… just going through the motions!  Day in and day out until you’ve convinced yourself you’re over it, when REALLY, it still eats you up inside!”Amberregained her focus enough to stare at Dan and Pinkie. “IS THAT WHAT YOU TWO WANT?!”

Dan and Pinkie exchanged quick, worried glances then looked back at Amber. “Na… no…” they stammered out.

“GOOD!” Amber took a number short, shallow breaths as she looked around her. “Huff-puff-huff-puff…” her face flushed crimson as she noticed the surprised faces staring back at her. “Uh… would you all… excuse me a second?” Amber asked before she dove behind her desk, grabbed her stress relief kit with an orange cross on it and bolting out of the classroom.

A brief, uncomfortable silence descended upon the group before Dan and Pinkie turned towards Elise.

“Uh… Elise?” Pinkie said. “I think our couple's counselor has couples issues…” Pinkie paused and thought about this. “…Or ex-couple issues, even.”

“Yeah, way to go, Elise!” Dan said in a chastising tone. “I mean… she had anger issues as an anger management counselor, and it seems she has relationship issues as a couple’s counselor! You brought us to the most screwed up social worker in existence.”

“Hey! I had good reason to choose Amber!” Elise insisted.

Dan rolled his eyes. “A previous history of violent behavior that might manifest in strange, yet entertaining ways?”

“Sounds like a good reason to me,” Becky said with a smile.

Dave chuckled. “Totally.”

“Well, sort of,” Elise replied. “I mean… she went out on vengeance runs with you and attacked Chris with a hedge trimmer. Signed documents aside, I figured there was no way she’d ever go to the police with anything given we already have plenty of dirt on her.”

Dan paused. “Wait… you figured we could extort her to keep her quiet in case Pinkie did something like write out in specific details some of our crimes or thrash her?”

“Well… that and to a much lesser extent, you, but yeah,” Elise replied.

“Nice work, Elise!” Pinkie said. “We’re so lucky to have such a smart friend like you!”

“Uh, thanks…” Elise said with a grin, happy to have Pinkie say something encouraging again.

“Elise,” Dan began, “I know I don’t often say this… In fact, I pretty much never say this, but good thinking.”

“Why thank you, Dan,” Elise said earnestly.

Dan smiled. “Without any legal leverage over us, we’re free to torment Amber until she’s sick of us.”

A series of incomprehensible rage screams erupted from elsewhere in the school. “GRAHDAAMNITRRRAGHBASTRRRRRAAAAGHFUUURACKINGRAAAAAAAAAH!”

Dan frowned. “When she’s less likely to attack us with gardening equipment,” he qualified.

“See guys!” Chris said. “Elise knows what’s she’s doing.”

Pinkie wasted no time chiming in. “Well… apart from the part where Elise now has to deal with her own couple’s issues.”

Elise winced and sighed out a “Yeah… I guess it’s only right I sort out my own issues… It’s not really fair I dragged you all here thinking I didn’t have anything to work out…”

Chris smiled and leaned over his desk wrapping his arm around his wife. “That’s great, honey! I’m so glad you’re finally considering your own actions.”

Elise smiled sheepishly. “In hindsight some of them were pretty bad.”

“SOME?!” Dan exclaimed.

“Daaaaaaan,” Pinkiesaid in a chastising tone, “Elise just had a breakthrough. You don’t need to tease her so much…”

“You have been harping on her an awful lot,” Becky said.

“Oh, alright…” Dan said sullenly.  “I guess if Elise finally accepts she has to suffer through this with the rest of us I’ll leave her alone… for a little bit…”

Pinkie unwrapped one of her arms from around Dan and tapped an index finger against her cheek. “Wait… since when could Dan play an instrument…?”

“And my best friend’s attitude is improving!” Chris said happily. “I think everything is going to turn out, okay…’

“RAAAAGHGAAAHELLGRRRAAAFFRRIINKLEBLATHERINGBLATHERSKITE!”

Chris frowned. “Assuming Amber doesn’t come at us with anything gas-powered.”

“Oooo! Oooo! Like a stick!” Pinkie suggested.

“… Uh…sure… Like a gas-powered stick…” Chris replied.

Dan looked past the woman on his lap to look at Chris. “Chris, don’t encourage her. She already feels she has free license to say whatever weird thing that crosses her mind as it is.”

“Awww,” Pinkie uttered, “but I like encourageme—”

Attempting to look calm and collected despite her bright red face, Amber walked back into the room.

“EEEP!” Pinkie cried as she practically dove out of Dan’s lap and zoomed back into hers. Pinkie folded her hands neatly and looked up at Amber with innocent eyes.

“Uhh…” Amber uttered in a slightly embarrassed tone. “Where was I?”

Pinkie spoke up, “You were saying Dan and I should try spending a little time away from each other! Which we totally agree on!”

“Oh…” A small smile appeared on Amber’s face. “You do? You’re afraid you’ll end up smothering one another?”

Pinkie and Dan exchanged a quick glance and looked back at Amber.

“Not exactly,” Dan said.

“Oh?” Amber replied with a mildly confused tone. “Then why—?”

Pinkie spoke up again, “We’re deathly afraid that either of us might start to think snukikins is a pet name we should be using.”

“What?” Amber asked flatly.

“Yeah…” Dan replied. “I mean... I think I’d have to throw Pinkie through a closed window if she started calling me that.”

Pinkie nodded. “And he’d be right to do it!”

Amber sighed. Well, beggars can’t be choosers. “Alright, well… if you two are convinced”—she turned to Chris and Elise—“I guess I should talk to the other couple.”

“Uhh, I already accepted I have some stuff to work on…” Elise said.

“She did!” Pinkie cried. “She totally did!”

Amber nodded. “And that’s good, but do you understand what exactly it is you need to work on?”

“… Not subject my husband to physical injury or put him in harm’s way?” Elise suggested hopefully.

“Well, that’s part of it…” Amber returned to her desk and grabbed one of the questionnaires. “Chris, your questionnaire was almost completely normal as far as I can tell.”

“Uh… almost?” Chris said hesitantly.

Amber nodded. “I noted you seem to be a little too easy to manipulate by both Dan and your wife.”

“Well… they both get so angry if I don’t do what they say, you see…” Chris said.

Amber smiled. “Well, I can help you learn to stand up for yourself.” She glanced over letting her eye sit a bit on Elise, then Dan. “And help these two learn to maybe not meddle so much with your life.”

“Hey!” Dan protested. “I thought this was couple’s therapy! Not ‘best friend’s’ therapy!”

Amber focused her attention on Dan, “I think you’ll find maintaining multiple healthy relationships will ultimately result in more general fulfillment in your life.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I’ve already got all the fulfilment I need! You’re trying to make me ask permission before I enlist my minion on my tasks for the betterment of human, Pinkie, and Dankind…! Especially the last two.”

Pinkie chuckled. “Hehehe… erm… Hey Chris,” Pinkie said softly, “I need you to pick me up so we can burn down the ventriloquist convention… uh… if that’s okay with you, that is.”

“Whoa,” Dan replied. “I just got chills down my spine. That sounded like Fluttershy was actually in the room.”

Pinkie grinned wide. “I happen to be an expert at mimicking Fluttershy,” she declared as she held a hand out and motioned to herself.

“I’ll say,” Dan replied. “If I had my eyes closed, I don’t think I’d even be able to tell the difference between you two if you talked like that.”

“MOVING ON!” Amber said forcefully. She turned back to Chris. “The other issue is your unhealthy obsession with eating.” Amber once again let her gaze drift between Elise and Dan. “Which I believe is being fueled by some external sources.”

Dan rolled his eyes as Elise winced.

Amber took a look at the questionnaire again. “However, the thing that concerns me the most about your questionnaire is someone”—Amber shot a glare at Elise—“seems to have gotten a hold of it to scribble out certain parts and write ‘classified’ all over it.”

“Uh, I can explain that,” Elise said. “You see… there’s parts of my job that are rather sensitive that sometimes encroach on our personal lives, and I can’t really let you see those, so…”

Amber rolled her one, visible eye and folded her arms across her chest. “Let me guess, if you told me you’d have to kill me?”

“Well, or have your memory erased,” Elise said with a shrug. “It just depends on what’s easier to do…”

Amber gave out an exasperated sigh as she began to speak, “See, this is part of the problem! You let your work life get into your personal life—”

“Well, I’ve been working on that…” Elise said sheepishly.

“—AND you practically exert complete control over your husband’s life whenever it suits your fancy!”

“What?!” Elise protested. “That’s not true! I allow my husband to do all kinds of crazy things.”

The group collectively grimaced.

“Ouch,” Becky muttered. “I think Elise just sprinted into a minefield.”

“Yeah, then started jump roping,” Ninja Dave added.

“What?” Elise asked as she realized everyone was staring at her.

“Uh… Elise?” Pinkie said tentatively. “Maaaybe you should have thought about the words you were using a little bit before you spoke up.”

“What? Crazy?!” Elise cried. “Because you three—”

Pinkie shook her head. “No, not that one…”

“Uh…” Elise stopped and started glancing at the ceiling as she remembered what she said. Her eyes went wide as her lips pursed into a tight frown. “… Allow?” she suggested meekly.

Pinkie nodded. “That’s the one!”

“Okay, yeah… that sounds pretty bad...” Elise admitted.

Amber held up Elise’s questionnaire. “Your questionnaire and the notepad you filled out are full of examples of times you’ve allowed Chris to do something, sometimes simply because he’s getting on your nerves, it seems like…”

“Well… more Dan in those cases… but…”

“But?” Amber asked as she raised an eyebrow.

“Alright, I can see how that could be an issue for Chris.” She leaned her elbow on the desk and front of her then rested her chin on her palm. “I can’t believe I’ve turned into my parents,” she mumbled out.

Amber smiled and walked over to Elise. She rested a comforting hand on Elise’s shoulder. “Well, now that you see you have a problem, there’s plenty you can do about it.”

Elise nodded and turned to Chris. “How about you and I go out? We can do whatever you want!”

“Really?!” Chris said his face lighting up.

Elise nodded. “Aaaa-nyeeee-thing,” she stressed.

“Even an all-you-can-eat buffet?!” Chris asked excitedly.

“Uh… actually,” Amber interrupted. “That kind of…”

Elise held up her hand, signifying quiet.

“Sure honey,” she said, still smiling. “Anything you want.”

“Yay!” Chris declared.

Dan gave out a bored sigh. “Can we go now?” he asked.

Amber nodded. “I think that’s plenty of progress for today. I do want to see you all for group therapy, however.”

“Oooo! Sounds fun!” Pinkie declared.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, like 'getting a root canal on all your teeth' fun.”

Dave raised his hand. “Uh, does that include us two?”

Amber scowled out at Dave with her one visible eye. “I think you two have done plenty of moral support. I can take it from here.”

“Awww man,” Becky said in a disappointed tone.

“Yeah, bummer,” Dave agreed. “Oh well, at least we have dinner.”

Becky rolled her eyes and smiled. “Yeah, yeah… I haven’t forgotten.”

Dave sighed.

Becky pursed her lips in a concerned frown. “What?”

“Hi, Pinkie…” Dave said.

Becky turned to see Pinkie once again perched on a desk a few feet away from her and Dave. The pink haired girl was smiling away.

Becky rolled her eyes. “Hi Pinkie.”

“Pinkie!” Dan called out. “Let’s go and get this 'spending time away from each other so we don’t resort to horrible pet names' stuff done.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she bounded towards Dan.

The group quickly made their way outside and said their goodbyes.

“Bye-byeeee!” Pinkie waved called as Chris and Elise’s car sped off.

“So, Goofball…” Dan began as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small notepad and flipped a few pages. “You want the grand reopening of Lenny’s or the pet shop?”

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 97 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Group Therapy

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 97 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Group Therapy

-ooooooo-

“Oh! New faces!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she bounded into Amber’s classroom wearing her pink and white striped shirt, jean-shorts, and a pair of high top sneakers. “Hi everyone, I’m Pinkie—”

Dan stopped at the doorway of the classroom as his eyes drifted across the occupants. “What-the-HELL?!” he said in a demanding tone as looked over a pair of couples sitting already sitting in desks at the front of the class.

“—Pie…?” Pinkie finished in a confused tone as she glanced back at Dan.

From her seat in front of the classroom, Amber looked up at Dan. She still wore an eyepatch over her left eye. “Uh, welcome back Dan… Pinkie, Elise and Chris. Have a seat. I was just explaining the whole ‘Pirate Buddies’ thing…” Amber frowned. “Which I see only Chris is doing today.”

Dan glanced at Amber. “Pinkie and my eyes healed up… Now would you kindly explain WHAT-THE-HELL?!” Dan reiterated as he motioned to the couples in front.

Chris walked up behind Dan. “Dan, what’s… oh… oh my…” Chris uttered as he looked over the head of the much shorter man.

Pinkie rapidly shook her head as she looked across the new faces. “Huh? What? What’s wrong?” she asked in a confused tone. “I didn’t even get to start getting to know everyone! I have so many handshakes to give out!” Pinkie giggled. “I’ve been practicing!”

Elise stepped past Dan and into the room. “Uh… hi, Jennifer. Hi, Jason,” she said in a somewhat concerned tone. “It’s been a while…”

“Uh… hey Elise,” a man with short, poofy hair, wearing a short-sleeved, dark grey collared shirt and khakis said.

A woman with shoulder-length, sandy-brown hair, glasses, a pink shirt, and blue jeans sitting next to the man nodded politely.  “Elise, Chris,” she greeted. “… Dan…” she said as she narrowed her eyes.

“OOOOOoooooh,” Pinkie uttered. “Jennifer and Jason as in the couple that used to live next to you before you scared them off with cockroaches.”

“Wait,” Amber said. “You know each other?! Oh dear…”

“ME?!” Dan cried as he turned towards Pinkie and motioned to himself. “They were the ones that left! I was looking forward to having them as neighbors until they next-door abandoned me!” Dan cried.

Jennifer shot Dan an icy glare. “You were going to launch flaming logs into our apartment!”

“Were!” Dan stressed. “In this case meaning, ‘never did’! You’re mad at me for a hypothetical attack that never happened because someone”—Dan shot a glare at Chris—“couldn’t be bothered to show up with logs and gasoline!”

Chris folded his arms and looked down at Dan. “You’re getting mad at me for not helping you do something that you would have regretted had you actually done it,” Chris announced flatly.

Dan held up an accusatory index finger and pointed it at Chris. “Hindsight is not an excuse for laziness, Chris!”

Jason, likewise, shot Dan an angry look. “You also unleashed a swarm of cockroaches on our apartment!”

“Alright, first off,” Dan began, “a group of cockroaches is not called a ‘swarm’, it’s called an intrusion! Second off, that was an accident!”

Jennifer stood up from her desk. “Well, it wasn’t going to be first time around!” she declared.

“Again with the being angry over things I only tried to do!” Dan said in an irritable tone. “Geez, next you’ll be mad because I almost started a nuclear holocaust!”

There was a brief pause followed by a chorus of confused and alarmed “WHAT!?”s from the classroom.

“SEE!” Dan exclaimed as he threw his hands out in frustration.

“Uh, Dan?” Elise said. “Ixnay ethay uclearnay olocausthay.”

Pinkie walked up to Dan and placed her hand on his chest. “Daaaaan~,” she began in a maternal tone, “don’t you think you’re being just a tad meaner than you need to be?”

“Why is everything my fault today?!” Dan cried. “They were the ones who were too nice and made me think they were cannibals!”

“Daaaan~,” Pinkie continued in the same tone, “what have we talked about in regards to attacking people who we only think are up to no good?”

Dan sighed before speaking, “Always make sure someone is really a cannibal or life insurance salesman before besieging them with insects or medieval weaponry.”

Pinkie nodded and smiled. “That’s right!” Her expression turned serious again. “Now what should you do now?”

“Be nicer?” Dan suggested.

Pinkie smiled. “Aaaaaaand~?”

Dan grumbled something incoherent under his breath.

“Daaaaan~?”

“I’ll apologize, alright!” Dan cried.

Pinkie beamed.

Elise and Chris exchanged a quick glance and smiled at each other, satisfied that Pinkie, currently, had the situation well in hand. They quickly took their seats.

Dan turned towards Jennifer and Jason and motioned to Pinkie. “Look, my conscience clearly thinks I owe you an apology, so I’m sorry I assumed you two were cannibals and tried to drive you out of your apartment,” he said with the most earnest tone he could muster.

Jennifer turned to Jason and the two exchanged a quick shrug.

Amber looked at Pinkie with a small look of surprise before the hints of a smile began to appear on her face. Huh, guess there’s a bit more to these two than I thought… maybe I should give their questionnaires another read… or skim, at least…

Jennifer turned back to Dan. “We moved to a nice apartment complex in Pomona, so I guess it worked out.” She turned to Pinkie Pie with a smile and extended a hand. “Hi, I’m Jennifer. Pinkie, was it?”

Pinkie grinned and enthusiastically took Jennifer’s hand in her own and began to shake it vigorously. “Yepper! Pinkamena Diane Pie! But you can call me Pinkie Pie, or even just Pinkie!”

Jason sat up and extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Jason,” he said with a smile.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie!” Pinkie said as she continued to shake Jennifer’s hand in her right hand and took Jason’s hand in her left. She, likewise, began enthusiastically shaking Jason’s hand up and down. “Pinkamena Diane Pie! But you can call me Pinkie Pie, or even just Pinkie!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “You said that already, Goofball. Also, you can give them both their hands back.”

“Whoop! Hehehe… sorry!” Pinkie said as she let go of Jennifer’s and Jason’s hands.

“Oh, it’s alright,” Jennifer said cheerfully.

Amber walked up to Pinkie and Jennifer and placed her hands on each girl’s shoulders. “Well, now that you’re all introduced, perhaps you’d like to meet the other couple that will attending group with you,” Amber said with a smile as she motioned to the other couple. First, a woman with long, wavy, reddish-brown hair, wearing round, brown tinted glasses, a beaded necklace, a purple dress, and loose-fitting, light-brown trousers. Next, a man with grey hair tied in a ponytail, a long grey beard wearing square glasses, a brown vest over a yellow button-up shirt, and grey trousers held up by a pair of brown suspenders.

The woman and man stood up and the woman extended her hand to Pinkie. “Namaste, I’m Jean Goodhill, and this is my soulmate, Flynn Goodhill,” Jean said as she motioned to the man standing next to her.

Pinkie took Jean’s hand and gave it a brief, firm shake and quickly repeated the action with Flynn.

“Namaste,” Flynn said with a soft smile.

Pinkie giggle. “Hehe… you two talk funny…” She suddenly frowned. “Wait… Goodhill?” Pinkie turned towards Dan. “Dan, this is like a room full of people who are all mad at you!”

Elise looked at Chris with concern. “Wait, seriously?”

Chris sighed out a “Yep.”  He continued, “It’s like some sort of 'Couples Dan’s Run Afoul of Convention.”

Elise turned towards the rest of the group as her concerned look evolved into a worried one. “Oh, this won’t end well…”

Amber’s mouth practically unhinged and hung open. She turned to Dan. “Don’t tell me you’ve met the Goodhills as well!”

“Only in that they stole my child!” Dan cried.

“What?” Amber exclaimed. “Stole?”

Flynn narrowed his eyes at Dan. “We legally adopted Dennis.”

Jean put a hand on Flynn’s shoulder. “Now Flynn, that’s all in the past. This is an excellent chance to start fresh with Dan.”

Dan shrugged. “You want to start fresh? Here’s something to start with: why can’t you just say husband like a non-granola-munching, love-bead-wearing human being?!” Dan demanded.

From behind her brown-tinted glasses, Jean narrowed her eyes at Dan. “Flynn and I believe the archaic words, ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ are insufficient for describing the bond we share,” Jean said as she reached out for her soulmate’s hand and gave it a firm squeeze.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Right, because a husband is someone whose last name you’d have to take as your own and you might end up going to couple’s therapy with! While a soulmate is someone you get along with so well in magic, rule-free, love-fest land that neither of those things could ever happen,” Dan said sarcastically. He narrowed his eyes at Jean. “Oh wait, THEY SO, TOTALLY, DID!” he cried as he threw his arms into the air.

Flynn spoke up, “Actually, ‘Goodhill’ is Jean’s maiden name.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Sssssshhoooockiiiing,” he said.

 “Dan,” Amber said in a chastising tone, “please be seated. You’re not here to pass judgment on the other couples.”

Dan raised a palm up and glanced at the ceiling. “Right, because that’s your job.”

“Hey!” Amber said in a protesting tone. “I’m offering my services as a professionally trained social psychologist!”

“Oh, so it’s the insides of our heads you want to unravel and study, hmm?!” Dan cried. “Break out the tinfoil and make some hats, guys! Amber wants to brain scan us.”

“Brain scan!” Amber said in an irritated, protesting tone. “Now wait just a— PINKIE! PUT THOSE AWAY!”

Pinkie’s lip quivered as a few dozen, well crafted, tinfoil hats sat in front of her on her desk. “But I never have a chance to break out the mind scan blocking, tinfoil hats! I even had my friend Rarity help me make them so they’d look good!”

“No one is going scan anyone else’s brain here!” Amber said.

“Are you sure?” Pinkie asked. She picked up a top hat made out of tinfoil. “‘Cause I even have hats if people want to upgrade to pro!”

“What… what does that even mean?!” Amber asked.

Pinkie shook her head. “I have no idea! But it’s free!”

“Amber?” Jean said softly. “If I may try an alternative approach?”

Amber forced a smile as her eye began to twitch. She discreetly walked over to her desk and retrieved her red stress ball.

Dan quieted down as he examined Amber’s actions. Hmmm… so we’re not the only ones who’ve been getting under her skin…

Jean placed her palms together at chest level and turned towards Dan. “I’m sensing some hostility here. Now, we’re all here because we have something to work on as couples—”

“US?!” Dan cried as he motioned to himself and Pinkie. “We were tricked into coming, and are only participating in this ridiculous farce because there’s a chance Pinkie and I might go from a perfect couple to a ‘cutesy, obnoxious to be around let alone even put eyes upon’ couple!”

Pinkie shuttered. “Yeah, talk about fate worse than death!” she zipped over to Elise, placed her palms on the maroon haired girl’s desk, and looked deeply into Elise’s purple eyes. “Elise, if that happens you’ll have to kill Dan—”

“DONE!” Elise said.

“—and me!”

Elise winced. “Both of you? Are you sure?”

“Do you want to hang out with a couple that calls each other ‘snukikins’ all the time?” Pinkie asked.

“Uh… fair enough,” Elise replied.

“Besides,” Pinkie added, “if you only killed Dan I’d probably go insane and try to kill you and Chris in some sort of gruesome bakery torture session!”

Flynn leaned in close to his wife. “Is it just me, or does this seemingly sweet-looking girl have some dark, deep-seated emotional issues?”

Jean nodded in agreement, “clearly, being in a relationship with Dan has corrupted her…”

“You know, Pinkie,” Amber began, “becoming too loving of a couple wasn’t exactly what I was trying to address with you and Dan. It’s just important that neither of you find the other smothering.”

Dan turned to Amber and leveled an angry index finger at her. “The only smothering Pinkie and I would do to each other would involve pillows…”

A wave of gasps escaped many of the couple’s mouths.

Pinkie giggled. “Or chocolate…maybe frosting… Oooo! Oooo! Or chocolate frosting!” Pinkie’s gaze went distant as a happy smile spread across her face. “Hmmm… chocolate frosting…”

Dan shot Pinkie a wry grin. “Well, I guess I know what we’re doing tonight…”

Amber rolled her one visible eye. “Alright, you two. Why don’t you have a seat and we can finally get started.”

“Fine, fine,” Dan said as he and Pinkie sat in a couple desks in between Chris and Jean. Dan leaned over and looked at the Goodhills. “Speaking of my 'estranged against his will' adopted son, how is Dennis?”

Jean frowned. “He’s actually part of the reason we’re here.”

“Hey!” Flynn said in a protesting tone. “Don’t tell him that!”

“Flynn,” Jean replied softly, “we’d have to discuss this in front of him anyhow, and we’re trying to get started here. We might as well be open with everyone.”

Dan smiled wickedly. “Don’t tell me Dennis has already sworn vengeance on your marriage. Awwww, they grow up so fast…”

Amber narrowed her eyes at Dan. “Dan! If you can’t behave yourself I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Oh,” Dan said as he stood up. “Can I go now?”

“SIT DOWN!” Amber shouted.

“FINE!” Dan shouted as he crossed his arms, put on a sullen expression, and sat back down.

Amber turned back to Jean. “Please continue, Jean.”

“Well, Flynn and I disagree whether Dr. Davis Segal’s child lead method of parenting is still appropriate for a child with Dennis’s temperament…”

Elise leaned over to Chris. “Do you know what she’s talking about?” she whispered.

Chris nodded. “It’s sorta where you let the child decide how he or she wants to be raised.”

Elise furrowed her brow. “Ooookaaay…” Her eyes went wide with realization. “Didn’t you say Dennis was basically a smaller version of Dan?”

“Well, replace the word ‘basically’ with ‘exactly’ and that about sums it up.”

Elise smacked her palm against her face. “Lovely…”

Dan looked over at Jean. “I told you both that building a child’s self-esteem was dangerous! But would you listen, noOoOoOoOo…”

Amber scowled at Dan once more. “Dan, please be quiet! You’re being disrespect—”

“It’s alright,” Jean interrupted. “This is a safe place and I believe Dan should feel free to express himself.”

Amber, Chris, and Elise all knit their brows. “Really?” they cried in unison.

Jean nodded. “Yes. Group is about individuals coming together and supporting each other to the best of their ability. It would be wrong of me to completely disregard what Dan has to say.”

Amber rolled her one visible eye. “Your funeral,” she uttered.

“HA!” Dan cried as he quickly pumped his fist up and down. “Score!”

“See, Dan!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “There’s good things about couple’s therapy.”

Jean turned to Amber. “Amber, your aura seems very dark today. Perhaps you’d like to take some time to relax? Join me in some breathing exercises?”

“I’m fine, Jean,” Amber growled out as she gave her stress ball a quick squeeze.

“Are you sure?” Jean continued. “I can always brew you some nice, loose leaf, herbal tea.”

“The tea I have is fine, Jean,” Amber replied in a slightly irritated tone.

Dan’s eyes darted back and forth between the two women as he interlaced his fingers together and raised his hands to conceal a wicked smile. He leaned in closer to Pinkie and whispered, “Don’t look now, but it looks like we have a new ager's battle brewing.”

Pinkie obediently covered her eyes. “You think?” she replied.

“Trust me,” Dan said. “I can smell an impending breakdown a mile away. Watch and learn.”

“Yay! Education time!” Pinkie said. “Wait… you told me to not look…”

Jean and Amber paused their conversation and stared at Pinkie.

“Don’t mind her,” Dan said. “She just randomly exclaims things sometimes."

“It’s true!” Pinkie cried. “Puma!” she added.

“Take you hand off your eyes, Goofball,” Dan said.

Pinkie did as asked. “Okie-dokie-lokie!”

“Now,” Dan said as he turned to Jean, “you were telling me about how that stupid children-raising advice you were using wasn’t working?”

“Walrus!” Pinkie cried.

“Uhhh…” Jean shot a confused glance at Pinkie and then turned to Dan.  “Well, Dennis expresses himself in unusual ways, but I believe it’s our duty as parents to help him actualize his full potential as an individual.”

Dan nodded and looked towards Flynn. “And you think this is hogwash, because…?”

Jean narrowed her eyes at Dan. “‘Hogwash’ seems a little strong…”

Dan continued to talk to Flynn, “Does it, Flynn?”

“Well…” Flynn said considering this. “… I used to believe wholeheartedly in Dr. Segal’s teachings, but Dennis seems like he could do with some more… boundaries.”

Dan nodded. “His kennel is too large?”

“Uh… Dennis doesn’t have a kennel,” Flynn informed.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Alright, Mr. Pedantic. His ‘cage’, then!”

Jean sighed and looked at her soulmate. “Flynn, you know testing limits is an important part of a child’s development.”

“Dennis has a juvenile rap sheet, for crying out loud!” Flynn retorted.

Dan chuckled. “Ahhh… that takes me back…” he said wistfully. “Still, it sounds like this ‘child lead’ garbage is just that. Trash that should be burned!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say ‘garbage’…”Flynn replied. “But—”

“Oh!” Jean said defensively. “Is ‘hogwash’ is okay?”

“Hmmm…” Pinkie hummed to herself. “Warthog?”

Amber sighed to herself and glanced over at Pinkie. “Pinkie, what are you doing?”

Pinkie smiled. “I imagined myself a light reconnaissance vehicle! And now I’m trying to figure out what animal it looks like!”

“Uh… right…” Amber said in a confused tone.

“Pinkie,” Dan said, “stop making up fake animal names so we can continue talking about how Jean’s parenting views are completely bogus.”

Jean pulled her face into a tight frown. “I don’t think my child raising views are exactly appropriate conversation for couple’s therapy.”

“Well honey,” Flynn spoke up, “I mean… they are part of the reason why we’re here.”

Jean rolled her eyes. “I see, now that you have someone who agrees with you, you want to talk about this.”

“Hey!” Dan cried. “I thought this was a ‘safe zone’ where everybody’s opinion mattered.” Dan raised a palm up to the ceiling and turned to Amber. “I mean, that’s what she just said, right?”

The small hints of a grin appeared on Amber’s face. “That’s true, Jean. If Flynn has issues, this is exactly where he should voice them.”

Jean shot Amber an icy scowl.

Amber turned to Flynn. “Flynn? You may continue.”

“Well, Dennis has a tendency to make mischief… which often involves the police. It seems a lighter touch with the boy may not be what’s called for.”

Jean folded her arms. “Why don’t you just come out and say it? You think we should just lock up Dennis! Throw away values and outlooks we’ve had for years all because things have gotten a little tough!”

Flynn narrowed his eyes at his soulmate. “NOW who’s being extreme?”

“I didn’t say ‘extreme’,” Jean declared. “I said ‘a little strong’.”

Flynn rolled his eyes. “Right, your subtle way of using softer words to ultimately get what you want without seeming like you’re trying to manipulate people.”

“Manipulate!?” Jean cried. “How dare you! No one is as accommodating to letting others be themselves as I am!”

“Or so you like everyone to believe!” Flynn shot back.

The couple began to entrench themselves in a bitter argument, dredging up behaviors that irked, annoyed, and plain irritated each other and firing them off like an angry, almost weaponized game of tit-for-tat.

Jason and Jennifer looked at the bickering couple next to them with a pair of concerned looks.

“Uh… that seems like it’s getting out of hand…” Jennifer mused.

“Yeah, no kidding,” Jason agreed.

“I’ll handle it!” Dan said happily. He glanced up at Amber who had simply been quietly observing the Goodhills. “They’re starting to monopolize group time a bit, don’t you think?” A small, devilish smile crept onto Dan’s face like a hairy black spider slowly making its way across a ceiling.  “Maybe you should lead them in some breathing exercises?”

Amber’s eye widened slightly, and she found herself grinning. “Flynn? Jean?” Amber interrupted. “Maybe a brief break is in order. I could brew some nice chamomile tea and lead us all in some meditation.”

Jean broke off her argument with Flynn and scowled up at Amber.

“Oooo!” Pinkie cried excitedly, “That way we can all get in touch with our inner frat boys!”

Elise looked over to her bubbly friend. “Uh, Pinkie? Are you feeling okay? You’ve got a very weird… uh… how should I put this?” Elise asked as she glanced at Chris.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Channeling crazy dead people?”

Elise nodded. “Yeah! That! You’ve got this crazy, random, ‘I have no idea where this girl is getting all this stuff from but she shows no signs of stopping’ thing going on today. Are you feeling okay?”

“Sorry,” Pinkie offered, “it’s just… this desk is so confining and I hate it!” she whined.

“Huh,” Elise uttered. “Maybe we can just find you a nice, regular—”

“That’s okay, Amber,” Jean hissed out, interrupting the other conversation that was taking place. “I think your aura is a little dingy today for you to be leading meditation.”

“DINGY?!” Amber cried. “Well your aura looks to be the same color of sasquatch flop!”

“Oooo! Sasquatch!” Pinkie cried. “That’s a good animal!”

“And it actually exists,” Dan added.

Jean stood up and angrily scowled at Amber. “No one makes fun of the color of my aura!”

“Just making an observation,” Amber insisted.

“Well maybe you should stop before someone makes you a double Pirate buddy,” Jean said in a threatening tone.

“Double Pirate buddy?!” Chris said excitedly. “How does that work?”

“Chris!” Elise cried. “You shouldn’t…”

Dan quickly hopped out of the desk and punched Chris in his unpatched eye.

“OW!” Chris cried.

Elise sighed, “Never mind…”

Pinkie enthusiastically bounded over to Chris and handed him another eyepatch.

“Yay!” Chris cried as he placed the second patch over his eye. He suddenly frowned. “Elise, as awesome as this is, I think you’re driving us home.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Obviously.”

Amber and Jean continued, paying no mind to the activity of the other couples.

Amber narrowed her eye at Jean. “Hey! If you think a lifetime of pacifism and vegetarian diet is enough for you to take on this,” Amber said as she motioned to her own body, “then let’s go.”

“Don’t think I won’t!” Jean cried.

Flynn rolled his eyes. “Jean, sit down honey. You’re a pacifist.”

Jean refocused her glare towards her soulmate. “Oh don’t you start on that!”

“You’re the one who’s concerned about going back on our values!” Flynn retorted.

Jean emitted a low, angry growl. “Grrrr…Oh, that is—”

“HEY! I HAVE A GOOD IDEA!” Chris cried as he quickly stood up. “Let’s let another couple discuss their issues!”

Pinkie looked up at Chris. “But I was learning so much!” she protested.

“Yeah,” Dan piped up. “And we were making such great progress here! A really breakdown—uh… breakthrough…”

Amber glanced down at Dan and Pinkie with a suspicious look then walked back to her chair in front of the group and sat down.

Jean, likewise sat back in her chair as she avoided eye contact with Flynn and Amber.

Jennifer put a comforting hand on her husband’s arm. “Go ahead honey, this is why we’re here.”

Jason sighed, “Oh… alright. You see… I have… anger issues.”

“Oh! You mean like you sometimes see the mailman delivered a letter to the wrong house and you get so angry you try to go out and pummel him senseless?”

“Wha…what?” Jason asked in a surprised tone. “Uh… noo…”

The Goodhills turned and leveled knowing, unamused looks at Dan.

“What?!” Dan said in a protesting tone. “The mailman has one job! If he’s giving me letters that should go to my neighbors, then who knows where my angry letters to Michael Bay end up! And after I work so hard on them, too!”

“He does!” Pinkie asserted. “He really does!”

ooooooo<

“…and that’s why you’ll need intestinal surgery to get your eyes back,” Dan said as he dictated from a sheet of lined paper. He looked up at Pinkie who had wrapped her arms around her as she quivered on the couple’s easy chair with a forced, twisted smile on her face. “How was that?” Dan asked.

“Uh… ga…good…” Pinkie offered as she laboriously raised her hand and formed a thumbs up.

“You don’t think it’s too soft handed?”

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!” Pinkie replied as she waved her hands back and forth in front of her.

Dan glanced over the letter again. “I mean… I can always add more details about perforating his lungs with a cheese grater”

“NO!” Pinkie cried. “What you have is terrifying enough…” she insisted.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “Are you sure?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “I’m sure he’ll get the message that you didn’t like the Transformers movies.”

“WHAT?! Michael Bay did those?!” Dan cried. He looked down at his list and frowned. “I better get more paper.”

Pinkie stared off into the distance as she whimpered.

Chris turned his double-eyepatched face towards his friend. “Dan, it’s probably a different mail-person entirely who delivers mail to Michael Bay.”

Jennifer raised an eyebrow at Pinkie. “Jason has never physically assaulted the mailman… or mailwoman.”

Jason spoke up, “I have written angry letters to Michael Bay, however…”

“I know, right!” Dan cried. “I mean… how can you not?!”

“Okay,” Pinkie continued, “so if it’s not that… have you gotten so angry you instead of tipping a waiter you flogged them with a sock full of quarters?”

Jason and Jennifer quickly exchanged mildly confused, very concerned looks.

“No,” Jason answered.

“Got so mad at a traffic light you sawed through it with a hacksaw?” Pinkie suggested.

“Uh, well… I do have issues with this one traffic light, but no…”

“Unleashed a stolen Lynx on an elementary school?”

“I wasn’t angry there, for the record,” Dan declared. “I just needed somewhere to put the Lynx and those children looked like they could use more exercise,” he explained.

“Wow…” Jason exclaimed. “No.”

“Assaulted a mime with gazpacho?”

“Why would… why would someone actually attack a mime?” Jason asked. “I mean… I know people joke about that stuff, but—”

“Actually, I was angry at the soup,” Dan clarified. “The mime just happened to be a nice bonus.”

Jennifer spoke up, “Jason doesn’t lash out violently. He tends to raise his voice a lot and lock himself in the bathroom for hours on end until his anger subsides.”

 Pinkie blew a dismissive gust of air. “Pffft…Booooring!” Pinkie announced. “Hey! I have an idea! Who wants to hear about Dan and my attempt at doing things not as a couple?”

Chris raised his hand. “I do!”

Elise looked past her husband towards Pinkie. “I actually do have somemorbid curiosity regarding how that turned out.”

Pinkie grinned wide and looked up at Amber.

Amber looked back at Pinkie with a slightly unsure expression followed by her quickly glancing at the ceiling and shrugging. “Well, I guess that’s why you two are here, and it’ll be good to listen to your first bit of progress…”

“Yay!” Pinkie cried. “Okay, so first Dan and I decided who would terrorize the Lenny’s grand reopening, and who would berate a pet shop employee for not giving us correct change!”

“WHAT?!” Amber cried in a concerned tone. She curled her hands around her stress ball until her knuckles turned white and attempted to mentally steel herself for the oncoming onslaught of potentially violent activities that would be described to her.

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 98 Pinkie Vs. Grand Reopening

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 98 Pinkie Vs. Grand Reopening

-ooooooo-

“Lenny’s, please!” Pinkie answered cheerfully.

Dan pulled out a pen and chewed on the end thoughtfully. “Been awhile since I’ve handled a pet shop by myself, but okay…”

Pinkie gave Dan a concerned look. “Are you sure you’re up to handling it on your own?”

Dan flashed his girlfriend a rather annoyed look. “Who the heck do you think you’re talking to?!”

Pinkie uttered a slightly nervous giggle as she raised her hands defensively. “Hehe… Sorry, I guess it’s been so long since I’ve done anything but grocery shopping and a few shifts at the bakery without you that I’m the one who’s a nervous-Nelly.”

“Yeah well, it’s either this or we become one of those annoying couples that—”

“—finish each other’s sentences?” Pinkie suggested.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged a quick worried look and quickly hopped into Dan’s red hatchback.

“Lenny’s, and step on it!” Pinkie cried from the passenger seat as she pointed forward.

Dan quickly threw the car into drive and slammed his foot against the gas pedal. The hatchback’s tires screeched briefly against the concrete before the car lurched forward.

After a quick stop at Burgerphile, soon the couple had arrived at the their local Lenny’s, freshly rebuilt after an accident involving a load-bearing support beam being removed to build a gyrocopter. Dan parked the car at the outskirts of the building’s parking lot.

A number of people had gathered in front of the Lenny’s for its grand reopening, complete with ribbon cutting ceremony.

It was Dan’s turn to give Pinkie a concerned look. “Are you sure you’re up to handling this?”

Pinkie smiled and reached for one of Dan’s hands with her free hand, the other hand holding onto a large fountain soda, and she gave it a squeeze. “I’ll be okay!” she insisted. She held up the soda in her hand. “Just a quick soda shot with the small catapult to protest their choice of ribbon-cutter and I’ll dash back home.”

“At least let me help unload the catapult with you.”

“Dan,” Pinkie said softly, “don’t worry! I know we spend a lot of time looking out for one another, but maybe there’s something to this 'spending a little time apart' thing.” She said with a smile, “I mean… ever since I came here I’ve almost never done anything just on my own! Maybe this will be a great way to finally become a little more comfortable with this whole planet and its things bursting into fire randomly, one dimensional personalities,”—Pinkie’s smile slowly began to turn itself upside down—“Supervillians, and ever-present danger that I could be brutally murdered out on the streets or by a strange creature or something.”

Dan knitted his brow and started at Pinkie. “Uh—”

“On second thought,” Pinkie said, “let’s just get this over with.” Pinkie leaned forward and wrapped her free arm around Dan and gave him a tight hug. Dan smiled and reciprocated the affection with both his arms.

Pinkie broke the hug and stared deeply into Dan’s emerald eyes with her sky-blue ones. “I love you,” she said softly.

Dan rolled his eyes but maintained his smile. “I love you, too. But you’re just going to terrorize one girl and disrupt a ribbon cutting ceremony. No biggie, you’ll do fine,” Dan insisted.

Pinkie smiled. “You’re right Dan.” She leaned forward to give Dan a quick peck on the lips and quickly exited the car, setting her soda on the top and retrieving the small catapult from the hatch in the back. After retrieving the soda she smiled and waved at Dan one last time as he drove off for his own little vengeance run.

Pinkie looked over towards the restaurant and the group that had assembled in front of it. She then looked at the small catapult and loaded the soda in a small, wooden bowl. “Alright, Pinkie. You can do this… It’s calibrated… Check for wind…” Pinkie stuck a finger in her mouth and held it up. She leaned down and adjusted a few knobs on the catapult. “Let’s see…” Pinkie uttered as she continued to talk to herself. “Just point it at the ribbon and…” Pinkie looked up as a familiar California-tanned waitress stepped up to the ribbon with a big pair of red novelty scissors. “Oh! Perfect timing.” Pinkie smiled to herself. “Hehe… splashy, splashy!” she said as she pulled a small lever on the catapult and sent the fountain soda flying.

The waitress suddenly turned, catching sight of the familiar pink blob of curly hair from past the crowd and across the parking lot. "YOU!"

 ‘SMACK!’

The soda impacted the waitress right in the face and exploded into a storm of foamy brown beverage and ice.

“WHAT THE HECK?!” The blond-haired girl cried as the crowd turned to the source of the flying soda.

Even Pinkie put on a pained-looking expression as she witnessed the soda impact with its full might. “Whoops…” she muttered to herself. She cupped her hands around her mouth. “Sorry!” she called out. “I was just trying to splash you with it! Not full on hit you in the face! My bad~!” Pinkie sang out.

“That’s not much better because I was allergic!” the woman shouted as she wiped soda away from her now red face and stormed across the parking lot, giant novelty scissors still in hand. The crowd began to follow her.

“Sure it is!” Pinkie replied cheerfully as she leisurely closed the distance between the two. “I mean, sure there’s the hivee-wivees and the uncontrollable screaming! But there’d be a lot less getting smacked right in the face with ice!” Pinkie paused and knit her brow together as she examined the waitress. “Speaking of the hivee-wivees and uncontrollable screaming, why the hay aren’t either of those things happening?!”

A devilish grin began to spread across the waitress's face as she stopped a few yards from Pinkie. “Months of being attacked with soda have finally made me immune to the debilitating effects of high fructose corn syrup. Betcha didn’t see THAT one coming!” she declared triumphantly.

Pinkie paused, paying no mind to the crowd that had begun to form around the two girls. “So you’re gloating because you’re just like… a regular person now?” she asked in a confused tone.

The waitress shot Pinkie an angry scowl. “SHUT UP!” She took a few calming breaths as she continued to speak, “Huff…puff… Why are you here anyways? Not that I’m surprised, mind you…”

“Honestly? When I found out they were reopening this place I had mixed feelings… on one hand, the baked goods and most the drinks are terrible! On the other hand, breakfast all day! Then I found out you were being honored for your years of tireless service and decided, ‘No, this will not stand!’”

“Was it really so hard to let me have this one thing after months of torment?!”

“Well, it’s not like you deserve it,” Pinkie replied. “You’re a terrible waitress.”

“I was given this honor because of putting up with you and your crazy boyfriend for all those months! You really think a little attention and getting to reopen a store is worth causing an allergic reaction?!”

“Well yeah…” Pinkie replied. “I mean, you were hecka rude when we first met… I mean, subjected to weekly, sometimes twice-weekly attacks seems hardly an appropriate reason to reward someone when they’re supposed to deliver good customer service.” She paused and considered this with a thoughtful expression. “Though… I suppose all the trips were I poured soda on you and shot you with pancakes where kinda a disproportionately extreme way at getting back at you...” Pinkie shook her head and smiled. “Look, I think you’re right here. Why don’t we just call it squarezies? I didn’t mean to hit you in the face…”

The waitress furrowed her brow at Pinkie. “No way!  Today is my reckoning! You’re not getting out of this just because you had a last-minute change of heart!”

Pinkie frowned. “Wow, you’re really upset about this… If I gave you some money out of my wallet, would that help ease the pain?”

“GRAAAAH! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!”

“I’m going to take that as a ‘maybe’…”

The waitress pulled her scissors open, straining as they hit their limit until a small ‘pop’ was heard and the two halves separated. “Let’s finish this!” she cried as she tossed one of the halves towards Pinkie.

Pinkie snatched the half of the red novelty scissors out of the air, and examined it. The crowd around the girls began to murmur in excitement and concern. "You want to have some sort of crazy scissor duel?"

"Well, I can't just kill you in cold blood. It's food services code!" the waitress replied.

Pinkie stared blankly at the waitress for a second. "You guys have a code?!" she exclaimed.

"Doesn't almost every job?" the waitress replied.

Pinkie sighed and shook her head. "Geez-Louise, this place is weird... "So… what? Now we need to fight to the death?"

The waitress shrugged. “Or the maiming, food server code is kinda vague there.” Her lips spread open wide in a malicious grin and she raised her half of the scissors. “Though, I took steps to make sure when I take you out here, you don’t get up in a hurry… if at all.” she added as a touch of madness entered her eyes.

“Uhhh geez…” Pinkie uttered. “This is getting really out of hand and…” Pinkie examined the item she was thrown carefully. “Did you… did you sharpen the edges of these!?” Pinkie asked as she noticed the scissor blade stuck out a good inch past the plastic scissor itself.

The waitress grinned. “Better! I replaced the cheap blades with something a little more effective!”

Pinkie simply blinked in response a few times. “Wow… you’re really serious about this. Look… can’t we just settle this over a nice game of Checkers or Uno… Oooo! Or Parcheesy… it’s like Parcheesi except you play with real cheese!”

“DIE!” the waitress cried as she swung her scissor blade towards Pinkie’s face.

Pinkie instinctively raised her own blade to block. The blades collided with a resounding ‘Clank!’ and the attack was stopped mere inches from Pinkie’s face. “Eeep!” Pinkie uttered.

The waitress let out another frustrated growl and swung her scissor blade wildly over and over again.  “Grrrr… DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!”

Pinkie quickly raised her own blade to parry and block each blow as it approached her, deflecting blows that would have easily cut into her skin and quite a few that would have made mess of her face. “Come on! Let’s talk about this! You don’t really want to kill me, do you?”

The waitress paused as she held her own scissor blade in both hands. “I loath you with a passion previously unknown to me. Every time I see you I just want to figure out how to make your day that much more unpleasant. Your very sight fills me with hate and now that I’m holding this weapon, my every thought is simply about how much nicer my life will be to be rid of you!”

Pinkie’s eyes had gone wide with surprise. “Wow uh… maybe you should try anger management? I know this councilor who uh… well she’s probably not all that great at it, but I’m sure she can at least help you with some of those issues you’re having…”

The waitress narrowed her eyes at Pinkie. “Don’t tell me you’re yellow.”

Pinkie raised a forearm up to her face. “Uh, actually I have much more of a pink complexion and—”

‘SSHHHHTHLIHG’

“OUCHES!” Pinkie cried as the waitress’s scissor blade sliced down on her arm, making a deep cut into the muscle of her forearm.

“HA!” the waitress cried. “First blood! Now it’s just a matter of time before—”

In a flash of movement, Pinkie turned her scissor blade backwards and swung with the blunt end, easily catching her opponent across the face. ‘SMACK!’

“OUCH!” the waitress cried. “Lucky sho—”

In a pink blur, Pinkie delivered a series of attacks to her opponents shin's, arms, stomach, with the occasional attack to the head. A torrent of blows that rained upon the waitress faster than she could even see.

‘SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!’

Her body unable to take the series of brutal attacks, that waitress fell to her knees as she propped herself up with her weapon. Her body now starting to sport a number of long, thin bruises that covered her from head to toe.

“Can we be squarezies now?” Pinkie asked as she clamped down on her bleeding forearm.

The waitress looked up at Pinkie with a look of determined rage in her eyes. “I HATE YOU!”

“Look… uh… this whole thing has really gone much, much further than I intended,” Pinkie admitted. “Right now I just want to go home, treat my wound, and wait for my boyfriend so we can watch a movie or something and enjoy super-snuggles… which are like regular snuggles except we’re both wearing capes!” Pinkie informed cheerfully.

A short, brown-haired woman in a Lenny's uniform stepped forward. "Come on, Helen! DON'T LOOSE YOUR WAAAAAAAY~!"

"Ooo. Helen?" Pinkie said. "That's a pretty na—"

“DIE!” The waitress cried as she mustered one last burst of strength, got on her feet, held her scissor blade high above her head, and charged Pinkie.

Pinkie quickly sidestepped the oncoming rageful woman and the waitress awkwardly stumbled into the crowd that surrounded the girls.

“OW! My tender flesh!”

“MY EYE!”

“AHHHHHH! MY FAVORITE TIE!”

Pinkie cringed and glanced about her with a worried expression. She decided to make herself scarce and quickly zipped away from the crowd. She zoomed up to her catapult, laid the red scissor blade on it, and pushed it along as she sprinted away from the Lenny’s and made her way back home.

A few blocks away from Casa Paradisio, Pinkie let out a sigh as she continued to clamp down on her arm. “Well that was a messy-wessy out of control attempt at simple soda splashing… I sure hope Dan’s trip is going better…”

-ooo-

“Ever so sorry about that,” a man with poofy blonde hair, a mustache, and purple tinted glasses said to Dan as he opened a register. “Heh, we all make mistakes from time to time…”

“Hmmm…” Dan hummed to himself. “This is all too tidy… what would Pinkie do in this situation?” Dan snapped his finger with realization. “She’d release the animals!”

“Let’s see… uh… 25 cents was it?” the man asked as he held up a quarter.

“EAT SNAKE, ANIMAL IMPRISONER!” Dan cried as he lobbed a glass terrarium full of small snakes at the pet shop worker.

‘KRRRRISHHH!’

“AAAAAHHHHH!” The pet store worker screamed as he fell to the floor covered in glass and irate snakes that began attacking him.

Dan peered over the counter at the fallen worker. “Huh… that seemed excessive even by my standards…”

-ooo-

Pinkie paused to stretch her injured arm, keeping pressure on it with her free hand. “Oh well, soon he’ll be back and we can put this whole, sad—”

“Lemonade?”

Pinkie looked down noticing a quartet of fit-looking children all wearing military style uniforms. “Hey! You kids might want to move your little stand. That’s Dan’s spot and he’s going to get really upset if he can’t park the car there!”

The shortest of the group stepped forward. A young boy with closely cropped brown hair. “Dan, eh?” he smiled wickedly at Pinkie. “Large Harold?”

The largest of the children stepped forward. A mammoth of a child that stood nearly as tall as Pinkie.

“Give this girl a Charley horse she won’t soon forget.”

Pinkie sighed and smacked her free hand against her face. She reached down for her recently acquired scissor blade. “So this is going to escalate…”

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 99 Pinkie Vs. Lemonade Stand Gang

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 99 Pinkie Vs. Lemonade Stand Gang

-ooooooo-

Pinkie scanned her eyes over the children as ‘Large Harold’ approached. In addition to the short ringleader and the massive Large Harold, there was another large boy with blonde hair and buck teeth and a dark-skinned girl with glasses that magnified her eyes to the size of saucers. “Hey! I think I know you kids!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You’re all the Lemonade Stand Gang!”

“Ah, so our reputation precedes us,” the ringleader of the group says. “Large Harold? Stop stalling and show the girl what she’s won!”

“You got it, Timmy…” Harold paused. “Uh… she’s won ‘pain’, right Timmy?”

Timmy sighed and smacked a palm against his face. “YES, Large Harold! She’s won ‘pain’!”

Large Harold lumbered towards Pinkie and threw his arms out in attempt to restrain her in a bear hug. Pinkie dashed away from the much slower child, quickly relocating herself by the lemonade stand.

“Whoops! Missed me~!” Pinkie sang out as she reached down and grabbed a lemon. Pinkie raised the lemon up to her mouth with a smile and took a bite out of it. Her lips immediately puckered and she spat out the bit of lemon she just chomped down on. “Ew! Sour! And the peel was still on and everything! Why’d I do that?!”

The kids shot Pinkie a confused expression. Timmy followed this up by narrowing his eyes. “So you’re going to make this difficult?”

“I’ve already got a nasty cut on my arm today,” Pinkie explained. “Not really looking to add bruisees to that.” Pinkie lifted her hand, glanced at her cut, and winced. “Yeah… that’s not going to heal in a hurry…” Pinkie raised her scissor blade and hooked it on the curl of hair that stuck out above her forehead, reached into her long, curly locks, and pulled out a blue ribbon.

“Whoa… that’s some hair strength you got there,” the girl commented.

“Thanks!” Pinkie replied as she tightly wrapped the ribbon around her wound.

“Do you use any product?” the girl asked.

“Oooo! Oooo! I use lots of products! Eggs, milk, flour, ground meat, shampoo, toothpaste… Basically things that come from stores!”

The girl raised an eyebrow. “In your… hair?”

“Huh?” Pinkie replied as she glanced up at her hair and retrieved her weapon. “Why would I put all that in my hair?”

“Delores!” Timmy said in an irritable tone. “Stop making nice with the weird girl! We’re supposed to be kicking her ass!”

“Whoa, boss!” the blond hair child spoke up. “I know military school was tough, but watch the language. Your parents are mad enough at you as it is!”

“Can it, Moose!” Timmy replied. “My parents aren’t going to find out about any of this, this time…”

Pinkie knitted her brow as she focused her attention on Timmy. “Sooo… you kids got back from military school after Dan, Chris, and Elise outwitted you and the first thing you do is go after the guy who kinda got you sent there in the first place?!”

“Hey!” Timmy said curtly. “Dan and us have unfinished business!”

“Uhh… look… I’m not really in a great position to blame people for holding a grudge,” Pinkie said as she turned the hand holding her giant, red, novelty scissor blade palm upward, “but do you really think the same approach that got you in trouble last time is the best approach here? I mean… you can easily end up shipped back to military school… or worse.”

Timmy chuckled. “Well that depends. I mean, we can’t get in trouble if there are no witnesses.”

Pinkie gave a sigh as she began to speak, “Why is everyone out for blood today?! Why can’t everyone be out for hugs…or cotton candy … Oh! Or even cake!”

“Oh, cake sounds nice,” Moose said.

“I like cotton candy,” Delores chimed in.

“I like hugs!” Large Harold added.

“SHUT UP THE THREE OF YOU!” Timmy cried. “Look… I feel a forgiving mood coming on, so how about you hand over all the money in your wallet and we’ll let you pass?”

“Erm… I’m afraid I can’t do that,” Pinkie said sheepishly.

Timmy rolled his eyes. “Let me guess, you don’t carry cash on you?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Oh no! I carry lots of money on me! I just physically can’t possibly give you all the money in my wallet since it’s a magic wallet and it would be physically impossible to give you all the money in it!”

Moose spoke up, “Uh, you might want to work on the redundancy there, girly.”

“Moose!” Timmy cried angrily. “Shut it! I’ll do the talking, capiche?”

“Sorry, boss…”

Timmy turned back towards Pinkie. “Watch it with the redundancy.”

“Erm… Okay,” Pinkie replied. “But having two of you tell me that is kinda… uh…”

Timmy sighed, “Redundant?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Yepper!” Pinkie squinted her eyes at Timmy. “You know… you sound really familiar… like… one of my ‘bestest best friends in the universe’ familiar!”

“That’s IT! I can’t TAKE listening to you anymore!” Timmy cried. “Guys! Weapons!”

Without warning the other three children all produced weapons. Large Harold pulled out a long metal pipe, Moose pulled out a length of chain, and Delores pulled out a small chainsaw.

“WHY IS EVERYONE ARMED TODAY?!” Pinkie cried. “I just wanted to catapult soda on one unsuspecting waitress and spend the rest of my time with Dan! Is that so wrong?”

Timmy grinned wickedly as similarly grim looking smiles adorned his friend’s faces. “So, Dan’s your boyfriend?”

“Well, d’uuuuuuuuuh!” Pinkie replied. She looked around her as the kids circled around her and began to close in on her. “Whooops…” Pinkie murmured.

Timmy raised his index finger and pointed at Pinkie. “GET HER!” he cried.

The other three children lunged at Pinkie. They raised their weapons as they prepared to inflict an onslaught of painful and potentially lethal blows that would render their opponent—

Pinkie thrust her fist out and caught Large Harold in the face.

‘POW!’

She blocked the chain with her scissor blade and let it wrap around it and sent a fist into Moose’s cheek.

‘SMACK!’

She kicked out her leg and caught Delores in the side.

‘ZUFF!’

She hammered her fist onto the top of Large Harold’s skull.

‘PAN!’

She threw her elbow into Moose’s gut and shoved her weight behind it.

‘SNUH!’

She extended her foot and caught Delores in the side of the head.

‘BORT!

She kicked again and caught Large Harold in the hind quarters.

‘POOO!’

She flicked Moose’s nose.

‘NEWT!’

She boxed Delores’s ears.

‘MINT!’

She reached for Large Harold’s chest and gave one of his nipples a twist.

‘ZAK!’

The three children collapsed to the concrete, the torrent of blows taking them out before they could even swing their weapons forward.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Timmy as the three other kids all laid in a heap by her moaning and clutching their bruised bodies.

“COME ON GUYS!” Timmy shouted. “DON’T JUST LET HER OFF LIKE THAT!”

Moose coughed as he struggled to her feat. “Cough… cough… Didn’t… didn’t even see her move…”

“Ow… my ears…” Delores uttered from the ground as she rubbed her pained ears.

“AHHH! THE PAIN! IT HURTS! IT HURTS!” Large Harold cried as he clutched at his chest.

The children all slowly raised off the ground and woozily stood up.

Pinkie sighed. “Can I go now? I’m pretty sure I’m bleeding through my ribbon,” Pinkie said, her blue ribbon now stained a darkish brown color as blood continued to spread through it.

Timmy narrowed his eyes at Pinkie. “This isn’t over! We spent months at military school and we won’t rest until those that sent us there suffer! Tell Dan we’re coming after him! And HELL’S COMING WITH—”

“So why the heck do you three listen to Shouty McShouty Pants anyways?” Pinkie asked the three kids she had just pummeled.

“HEY!” Timmy cried. “I’m declaring my vengeance here!”

Delores adjusted her glasses. “Well, I mean… he always has a plan… and knows how to make money.”

“Yeah,” Moose said, “we made lots of money when we first started the Lemonade Stand Gang.”

Large Harold nodded. “Tons!”

Timmy chuckled. “See! There’s not use talking to them, they’re all my loyal—”

“Okay fine,” Pinkie continued. “But then his plan for going after Dan got all your bikes trasheddy-wrasheddy… and then your activities all got exposed to your parents, and then you all got sent to military school!”

“Hey! Shut up!” Timmy cried.

“Hey… yeah…” Delores said as she considered this.

“And THEN,” Pinkie added, “he tried to get you to go after Dan and you all got pummeled in record time! I mean… if I were you… and I’m not… But if I was… I’d be pretty peeved!”

“Uh… please stop,” Timmy said with a bit less force and a bit more pleading than his previous statement.

The three bruised and battered kids all looked at each other.

“Also,” Pinkie said, “you’re all bigger…”

They exchanged wicked looking grins and turned towards Timmy.

“…two of you are undoubtedly stronger…”

Timmy gulped. “Uh… Hey guys… Maybe we should talk this over…” he said as the three other kids approached him.

Pinkie continued talking, not realizing she was now addressing open air, “… and it’s not like Timmy seems to do anything but yell at you all, so—”

“GET HIM!” Delores cried.

Pinkie stopped mid-sentence and turned towards the kids.

Timmy made a startled yelp as he attempted to bolt from the other kids, but they descended upon him in an instant, delivering Indian burns, noogies, and shin kicks to the former boss of the Lemonade Stand Gang.

“Uh… I was going to say ‘ignore him’,” Pinkie said, “but I guess he did get all three of you into this mess…”

“Alright,” Delores said as she ceased her shin kicking, “I think he’s had enough.”

“Sure thing!” Moose said.

“Ow…” Timmy murmured from the ground.

“Aww… can’t I give him one more to grow on?” Large Harold asked.

Delores shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

Large Harold smiled as he leaned down and slugged Timmy in the arm one last time.

Delores smiled. “Alright guys, let’s figure out something else to do that’s not likely to get us beat up or sent away.” Delores motioned for the other two to follow her.

“I hear that,” Mouse replied as he walked after Delores.

“I think we should try knitting!” Large Harold added as he walked after the other kids.

Timmy uttered a painful moan from the street.

Pinkie sighed. “Why is it everywhere I go today, people are getting beat up?” She paused and thought about this. “Geez… maybe I’m beginning to resort to violence a little too quickly! I mean… before I came here I’d never straight up pummel someone! Maybe there is something to this time away from Dan! It’s giving me time to reflect on my actions!” She turned towards Timmy. “What do you think?”

“I’ll… I’ll get you… for… COUGH… this…” Timmy uttered as a pained-sounding cough escaped his lips.

“You’re right, Timmy! I did try to diffuse these situations today and was attacked anyways! Thanks for clearing up my filo-soft-sickle-Canada-drum!” Pinkie scrunched her face up as she thought about what she just said. “No wait, that’s not right…”

“COUGH… Hate… you…” Timmy said.

Pinkie looked over the injured child with a ponderous expression. “Well… I guess I can’t just leave you in the street… Uhg… But I am losing an awful lot of blood it seems…” she said as she noticed blood was now slowly dripping from her stained blue ribbon. She bounded over towards the apartment complex and knocked on a door.

‘BOOM!’

The apartment complex shook as the sound of an explosion rang from inside.

“Whoops…” Pinkie uttered as she put on a concerned expression.

The door swung open revealing a tall, middle-aged man with wild, white hair that shot out in all directions wearing a pair of glasses and a singed white lab coat over a grey sweater and black slacks. Black smoke bellowed out from the apartment as the man looked down at Pinkie and smiled. “Cough… Cough… PINKIE!  Always a pleasure! Can I interest you in some mutant gerbils? I’m not sure of everything they do yet, but their tails glow in the dark! So, that’s at least a step up from regular gerbils,” the man said as he flicked his palm up matter-of-factually.

“Nifty!” Pinkie cried. “But that’s okay Dr. Splice. I think Mr. Mumbles might try to eviscerate them.”

“Please! Call me Jean!” Jean insisted. “And yes, I can see how that could be a problem considering I’m still not sure of the gerbil’s explosive properties when cut open.” Jean paused. “… Jellyfish that scream when you look at them for too long?” he offered.

Pinkie shook her head. “That’s okay, Jeanee! We don’t have an aquarium.”

“Oh right, I had forgotten… Gun that shoots knives?”

“That sounds uh… kinda impractical,” Pinkie said.

“The knives also explode,” Jean informed.

“Oooo!” Pinkie cried. “Dan would LOVE one of those— WAIT!” Pinkie cried as she threw up her hands. “But that’s not why I’m here! You see this child…” Pinkie motioned to Timmy who merely moaned from the concrete “… he uh… he fell down some stairs,” she said with a nervous grin. “Now, normally I’d take care of this myself, but I got cut in some crazy scissor blade duel and am kinda losing a lot of blood here and starting to feel woozy!”

Jean shook his head. “It’s really been one of those days, hasn’t it?”

Pinkie smiled and rolled her eyes. “Tell me about it.”

Jean walked swiftly out of his doorway and scooped up Timmy in his arms. “Don’t worry! I shall take care of him as if he was my own!” he declared.

“Uh… what?” Timmy said in a rather concerned tone. “HEY! Wait a min—”

With a quick motion, Jean squeezed his fingers against a ring on his right middle finger, causing a tiny needle to pop out. He quickly flicked the needle up into Timmy’s neck, knocking the boy unconscious almost immediately.

“Well… I figured you could call his parents or an ambulance or something, but okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “I better get home and get ready for Dan… and also stop my bleeding!”

Jean nodded as he walked back towards his apartment. “Alright Pinkie… are you sure you don’t want a gerbil with a glow-in-the-dark tail that may or may not explode if cut?”

“I’m good!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Jean frowned. “Alright, it didn’t sound like a very good offer when I said it out loud anyways. Anyhow, you go take care of your gushing wound and come back for the exploding knives gun later.”

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Will do! I’ll bring a whole mess of cupcakes when come back!”

Jean gave Pinkie a happy smile. “Looking forward to it.” With that, Jean reached a hand out as he continued to support Timmy with his arms and grabbed his door knob, quickly closing it.

A happy smile on her face, Pinkie wasted no time in returning to Dan’s and her apartment.  She began by removing her blood soaked ribbon, and replacing it with some gauze and medical wrap that stopped the bleeding. Next she changed out of her clothes and into a white apron that sported a large, pink heart on the center. Finally, she made quickly whipped up a batch of fruit punch, finishing moments before she heard rapid, frantic running up the complex stairs towards the apartment.

‘SLAM!’

Pinkie quickly turned as the apartment door banged open a few feet from her. Her apron hugged her body tightly to the point where she was showing off her ample cleavage, something her rather modest attire rarely displayed. She stared at Dan who stared back at her with wide, worried-looking eyes.

“Hey Dan!” Pinkie said as cheerful as ever. “Would you like some punch?” she asked as she held up a pitcher full of a bright pink liquid with lemons floating in it and an empty glass.

Dan reached forward and placed his both his hands on Pinkie’s shoulders. “Are you okay?!” he asked in a worried tone.

Pinkie looked back at her boyfriend with a perplexed expression, almost as if Dan had just asked her if it was daytime. “Sure! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I saw the lemonade stand out front!” Dan explained. “If those kids so much as touched you, I’ll make sure they’re not given another opportunity unless they somehow know how to punch their way through wood and six feet of earth,” Dan declared grimly.

Pinkie smiled and raised her arms, using them to gently remove Dan’s grasp on her. “Relax Danton Tarantino! I took care of them.”

Dan stared at Pinkie blankly for a split second. “And by take care of, you mean…?”

“I… uh… I kinda, maybe, sorta, possibly, totally, absolutely beat up most of them,” Pinkie admitted.

Dan’s eyes widened even furthered as his lower jaw unhinged and he stared out at Pinkie. “Pinkie Pie… I just… words cannot describe the depth of my love for you!” he paused. “…But I’m still tempted to pen a verse or a few hundred and try…”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… Oh stop…” she said as she poured the punch into the empty glass.

Dan’s eye’s drifted towards the bandage on Pinkie’s arm as she handed him the glass of punch. He took a sip and motioned to the bandage with his glass. “Sssip… What happened… wow, that’s good punch… uh… So, what happened there?” Dan narrowed his eyes. “Don’t tell me one of those gutter urchins actually got a piece of you.”

Pinkie shook her head. “Not them.”

“Then who?”

“Oh… you know… splashing the Lenny’s waitress didn’t go quite as planned and we ended up having this big duel with dangerous novelty scissors.”

“Riiiight…” Dan replied. "How'd that end up?"

"Well, she cut me, so I pummeled her with the blunt end of my scissors," Pinkie said.

Dan frowned. "You didn't cut her back?"

"Well, I was kinda, sorta trying to damage control at that point... How’d your trip to the pet shop go?” Pinkie asked.

“Uh…” Dan uttered hesitantly. “Yeah… we got that quarter…” he said with a pensive smile.

“You overdid it, didn’t you?” Pinkie asked flatly.

Dan frowned. “How’d you guess?”

“‘Cause I’m usually around to make sure you don’t do anything too crazy...” Pinkie’s smile turned nervous. “Also, since my own little vengeance run got out of hand, I kinda figured yours didn’t go any better.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, let’s not do this ever again!”

Pinkie nodded as her smile returned. “Definitely! Worst – idea – EVER!” she declared.

Dan smiled and rolled his eyes. “Tell me about it!” He looked back at Pinkie and smiled happily. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too!” Pinkie said as the two closed their eyes and met for a tight hug.

Dan’s eyes opened up suddenly as his happy smile turned mischievous. “You’re not wearing anything under this apron, are you?”

“Noper,” Pinkie replied as her lips curled up into a small, catlike grin.

“Hey, before I chug this punch and take you in a manly fashion, what did you mean by beating up ‘most’ of the Lemonade Stand Gang?”

Pinkie stepped back a half step so she could look at Dan. “Oh! I kinda, sorta accidently convinced three of them to turn on their leader. They beat him up and left him in the street. Dr. Splice—er, I mean Jeanee is taking care of him now.”

Dan smiled. “Heh, awesome! Jean’s out of his mind and will probably experiment on him!” Dan’s grin widened. “He’ll probably die!” he added.

Pinkie’s usual pink glow quickly fell away from her face, replaced with a stark whiteness that helped highlight the panicked expression on her face. “Whoops…” she uttered as she broke away from Dan’s embrace and bolted out the apartment door. She quickly stepped outside onto the apartment walkway.

“PINKIE! WAIT!” Dan cried as he stared out at Pinkie’s completely bare back. “Your clothes!”

“CLOTHING IS OVERRATED!” Pinkie shouted as she sprinted down the apartment complex steps.

-ooooooo-

“And that’s how Dan and I saved Christmas!” Pinkie concluded.

“Goofball, we haven’t even been through a Christmas together,” Dan said.

“Oh, right…” Pinkie replied. “So I guess that was just the story of how yesterday went…” Pinkie looked around the room. Chris and Elise looked rather unsurprised by what they had heard. The other couples in the room and Amber had much different expressions that ranged from bewildered to shocked and even slightly enraged.

“What?” Pinkie asked.

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 100 Pinkie & Dan Vs. More Group Therapy

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 100 Pinkie & Dan Vs. More Group Therapy

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 100 Pinkie & Dan Vs. More Group Therapy

-ooooooo-

Amber continued to squeeze down hard on her stress ball to the point where it was pretty much an unrecognizable shape.

“What?” Pinkie said as she looked over the faces of the couples in the room and noticed her story hadn’t been quite as well-received as she would have hoped.

Elise decided to speak up. “Pinkie, you really shouldn’t run outside half naked.”

“It was an emergency!” Pinkie cried. “I had to get Timmy out before Jeanee did something really, really bad!”

“Yeah,” Dan chimed in. “Like give him super strength or heat vision or something.”

“Well… I meant more like killing him,” Pinkie said. “But we already had to deal with one supervillain and that did kind of hurt, so…”

Amber ceased trying to burn a hole through Pinkie’s skull with her eyes and turned towards Elise. “RUNNING OUTSIDE IN AN APRON WAS THE ONE THING YOU’RE GOING TO BRING UP AFTER HEARING ALL THAT?!” she shouted as she motioned out to Pinkie.

Elise shrugged. “It was the one thing out of the ordinary.”

“Mini-catapults, armed duels with waitresses, hurling a terrarium full of snakes, and beating up children is ordinary?!” Amber cried.

“Hey!” Dan protested. “I said I thought the terrarium full of snakes was overkill!”

“Those children had it coming!” Elise said.

The surprised looks from across the room only increased as they heard Elise’s words, however Elise paid them no mind.

Elise continued, “Also, for those two, yes… while none of those specific things would probably be considered ordinary, they’re not really anything I would say is strange for either of them.” She glanced at Chris. “Back me up here.”

Amber narrowed her eyes slightly at Elise. “Elise, you shouldn’t pull your husband into…”

“She’s pretty much dead on,” Chris said as he turned and faced his double eyepatched face roughly towards Amber.

“Oh…” Amber replied as she pursed her lips slightly.

“And besides,” Chris added, “Pinkie at least tried to defuse the situations… I mean that’s better than normal…”

“Excuse you,” Dan cried. “If you were paying attention you would have figured out that some of those things would have been avoided if we were together!”

“Oh?” Chris replied. “Do tell.”

“For starters, Pinkie and I would have left the Lenny’s as soon as the plan had gone awry!” Dan stated. “I mean, I would have been there with my car and we could have gotten away before the crazy scissor duel.”

“Yeeeaaah…” Pinkie said. “Not sure why I thought talking back to the crazy waitress I just hit with soda was a good idea!”

“Easy!” Dan cried. “You weren’t thinking!”

“OooOOOOoooh!” Pinkie looked up at Amber and motioned to Dan. “There you go!”

 Dan continued, “Next, Pinkie probably would have made sure I didn’t assault the pet shop worker with a terrarium full of snakes.”

“It's true!” Pinkie declared. “I probably would have freed all the animals while Dan got us back our quarter!”

Chris nodded. “Alright, and the Lemonade Stand Gang?”

“Okay yeah… they probably would have still been beaten up…” Dan held up an index finger and grinned. “But it's possible Timmy wouldn’t have been handed over to our neighbor.”

“I can’t believe you two!” Amber cried.

Dan and Pinkie exchanged a confused glance then looked back at Amber.

Pinkie spoke up, “Well, it was your idea!”

Dan nodded. “Yeah! There’s no way we would have handled either of those separately if you hadn’t suggested it!”

“So if you think about it,” Pinkie continued, “most of the violence is probably your fault.”

“Way to go, Amber!” Dan said sarcastically.

Amber squeezed her stress ball hard enough that it slipped out of her hand and flew towards her window. It hit one of the glass panes and broke through it, flying off away from the school and smashing into the side of a joggers face. The jogger quickly tumbled to the ground.

The group stared outside as they witnessed the culmination of the seemingly unlikely events.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes as she stared out the window. “Why does that sort of stuff always happen here?!”

Amber attempted to force a smile. Though the anger on her face made even opening her lips in anything but a grimace a laborious effort and the result looked far from happy. “When I told you two to spend some time apart, I didn’t mean split up your vengeance list!”

Dan and Pinkie exchanged another confused glance and looked back at Amber.

Pinkie raised her hand. “I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, same here,” Dan added as he knitted his brow.

“I meant maybe you two should catch a movie separately, or go out for dinner separately. A nice, non-violent activity!”

The confusion on Dan’s face only grew. “Why would we do either of those things without each other?!”

“Yeah!” Pinkie chimed in. “Silly Amber! Going to a movie and dinner alone is only something sad, lonely people do! Silly Amber!”

Amber’s angry expression returned with a vengeance, easily toppling over her smile which barely had a foothold on her expression to begin with.

Dan shot Pinkie an annoyed look. “I’VE gone to the movies by myself.”

“Ooops…” Pinkie said with a nervous grin.

“Of course,” Dan continued as he focused his annoyed look on Chris, “I wouldn’t have to do that if someone could get their priorities straight!”

“Dan,” Chris replied, “I can’t always just drop whatever I’m doing and watch a movie with you at a moment’s notice! Often times Elise and I already have plans!”

“See!” Dan said. “That right there!  That’s a prime example of your priorities being messed up!”

Amber cocked an eye at Dan. “Actually, Chris prioritizing his wife over his best friend is quite normal and healthy.”

“Says you!” Dan cried. “What if his wife was an evil, bloodsucking harpy?!”

“DAN!” Elise cried. “I am not a harpy… or bloodsucking!”

“You have stolen my blood, however,” Chris mentioned.

“Just a little!” Elise replied. “I needed a larger sample size!”

“…Is that why you knocked out our neighbors and came back with vials and vials of blood?”

Elise pursed her lips. “Uh… yes? I mean… I did use my own, too…”

The other two couples continued to stare out from their side of the room, the other half basically seeming in its own world devoid of laws or sense at that point.

“See!” Dan cried. “Bloodsucking!”

“I HAD A GOOD REASON FOR STEALING BLOOD!” Elise declared. She frowned. “I really hope I never have to use that line in a court of law…”

“Elise,” Amber said as she forced a calm tone, “while Dan isn’t necessarily right about everything, it’s not conducive to a healthy relationship to steal your partner’s blood when it’s convenient…”

“Uh… noted…” Elise said sheepishly.

“Geez Amber!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You’re not making a lot of friends here!”

“I’m not here to make friends!” Amber said as her annoyed tone returned. “I’m here to fix relationships!”

“Well so far you’ve done a horrible job!” Dan cried.

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah! You’ve caused damage at this point!”

Amber turned back to Dan and Pinkie with an angry glare as her face reddened further. Her face tightened to the point where veins became visible and she gritted her teeth hard as she stared out at the couple. Slowly, Amber attempted to reel in her temper, starting by taking deep breaths than chanting to herself as she curled her thumbs and middle fingers into a circle. “Huuuuf… puuuuf…huuuuf… puuuuf… Step outside yourself…  Step outside yourself…”

From the other side of the room, Jean smiled. “Nice use of meditation to calm yourself,” she said.

Amber rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Jean.”

Jean frowned. “But I just…”

Amber scowled back at Jean. “ZIP IT!” she commanded.

Jean put on a somewhat-surprised and hurt expression as she went silent.

Amber turned back to Dan and Pinkie. “You two can try, oh I don’t know,”—Amber threw her hands out to her sides—“going out with separate groups of friends to do an activity!” she said in still rather irate tone.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fine. Chris! There’s a Lenny’s I have a sudden urge to set fire to.”

Pinkie smiled cheerfully. “Elise! There’s still lots of contained animals still at that pet shop Dan was at yesterday!”

“I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT GOING ON ANOTHER VENGEANCE RUN!” Amber cried.

“Well you should have been more specific!” Dan cried.

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah! I mean… vengeance runs are like the one thing all five of us have in common!” Pinkie said as she motioned out to Dan, Chris, Elise, and Amber.

Amber turned and nervously looked at the other couples as they started shooting her suspicious glances.

“Uh… WHO WANTS TO GO NEXT?!” Amber asked as she forced a smile back onto her face.

Elise smiled and raised her hand enthusiastically. “Oooo! ME! Pick me!”

“Hey!” Dan protested. “Pinkie and I have lots of couple stuff to talk about still!”

Chris turned towards Dan. “Dan, no one here wants to hear you talk about how you took Pinkie in a manly fashion.”

Dan paused and thought about this. “Pinkie and I have one more couple thing to talk about still!”

“Awww, I wouldn’t mind!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Elise cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “Pinkie you get to experience it! First hand!”

Pinkie nodded. “But I like Dan’s stories!”

Amber frowned as she looked back and forth between Dan and Elise, unsure of who she wanted to hear from less at the moment. “Alright, Dan… what was the ONE other couple thing you wanted to talk about?”

Pinkie “Awwwwww”ed in disappointment.

“I fixed up Pinkie’s wound,” Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie’s face went pale. “You sure did…”

Amber glanced at Pinkie. “You don’t seem happy about it.”

“Oh, she’s just being a big baby,” Dan said sullenly.

“Dan!” Amber said in a chastising tone. “You shouldn’t say…”

“Oh, he’s pretty much spot on,” Pinkie declared.

Amber looked back at Pinkie with a blank expression. “What?”

Pinkie nodded. “Yepper! He did a really good job… it’s just…” Pinkie’s eyes glazed over as she stared off into space. She wrapped her arms around herself and began to shiver uncontrollably.

Amber looked at Dan with an accusing expression. “What did you do?!”

Dan turned his palms towards the ceiling as he glared up into open air. “I just stitched her up! That’s all!”

 “Yeah… he used a—”Pinkie gulped“—needle and thread and everything…”

“He stitched your wound up?!” Amber cried.

Pinkie nodded. “Yep… yepper… cleaned it with Everclear and stitched it right up…” she stammered out.

Amber turned to Dan. “I’m sorry, but that seems grossly irresponsible! She could get an infection, or you could even make it worse!”

“What?!” Dan said in a protesting tone. “I’ve fixed my own wounds all the time! I’m great at fixing wounds!”

Chris chimed in, “Dan is pretty skilled at first aid and even some advanced stuff.”

Dan smiled. “Yeah, you don’t end up getting beaten up as often as I do without picking up a few things.”

Amber sighed out as she turned to Pinkie and began to speak, “Tell me exactly what happened.”

ooooooo<

“Well that took forever!” Dan said in a grumpy tone as he followed very close behind Pinkie in attempt to block anyone else’s view of her bare backside as the couple walked back to their apartment.

“We got to Timmy before he was dead!” Pinkie said. “Or horribly mutated… uh… hopefully.”

“Yeah, Jean did have him for quite some time…” Dan mused as he leaned past Pinkie and unlocked the door to apartment ‘8’. The couple entered the apartment and Dan quickly closed and locked the door behind them.

“Are you sure we did the right thing?” Pinkie asked.

“What!?” Dan protested. “We brought Timmy back to his parents! We’re practically saints!”

“Just leaving him on the lawn, I mean…” Pinkie qualified.

“I felt it was a good compromise!” Dan reasoned as he flicked a hand out and held it palm up. “I mean, you talked me up from the street in front of his house!”

Pinkie pursed her lips together. “Well, I wanted to at least knock on the door to his house, too!”

“I honked the horn and cried ‘Hey! Losers!’ as I drove off! Geez, I practically sent them a singing telegram!” Dan insisted.

“Well…okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “As long as you’re sure he’ll be okay!”

“I’m totally, mostly, fairly positive his parents will check outside at some point!” Dan said with a smile.

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said happily as she reached her hands out and grabbed Dan’s arms. “Now where were we?” she cooed out as smiled and flashed Dan bedroom eyes.

Dan mirrored her expression then quickly frowned as he looked down. “Uh… apparently we were about to change your bandage.”

Pinkie glanced down at her arm and noticed her gauze had become soaked through with blood. She frowned. “Uh… oh… I guess we were…”

Dan grabbed Pinkie by the hand and led her over to the easy chair. Pinkie sat down as Dan left to quickly grab some Everclear and a med-kit.

Dan slowly peeled away the wrap around Pinkie’s arm as Pinkie uttered small, pained whimpers.

“Oh, don’t be such a baby!” Dan cried. “It’s no big…” Dan furrowed his brow as he pulled away the gauze around Pinkie’s wound. “Holy crud, Pinkie! She cut you deep! I think you might need stitches here!”

“Sta... stitches… as in—”Pinkie gulped“—needle?”

Dan glanced at Pinkie. “Just through your skin! I’m not injecting you with anything.”

“Yeah, but… I mean, it’s still going inside me!” Pinkie cried.

Dan sighed as he began to speak, “Look, I’ll be quick! You’ll barely feel a thing… You know… after I clean out the wound with stinging alcohol, that is…”

“You know! I think we should let nature take its course here!” Pinkie declared.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “As in, you think your arm should get gangrene and rot off?”

“Uh… sure!” Pinkie said nervously. “I mean… think how much money I’ll save on my next Nightmare—erm Halloween costume!”

“Pinkie, I’m not going to let your arm rot off just because you have a fear of needles,” Dan said.

‘PHRREEeeeooo.’

Dan’s eyes went wide as he heard the sound of a balloon deflating. While Pinkie’s hair hadn’t gone completely straight, he found its less than completely puffed-out appearance was rather unsettling.

“Pinkie… We really need to do this!” Dan insisted in the most comforting tone he could manage.

Pinkie frowned and nodded. “Okay, but I can’t be held responsible if I chew your face off while you’re stabbing me again and again with a needle.”

“Uhhh… chew my face off?” Dan asked in a concerned tone.

“Sorry,” Pinkie offered sheepishly. “Just my body’s natural attempt to defend itself.”

“Uh… right…” Dan said in a concerned tone. He quickly fiddled with a few items in the med-kit. “Hey before we get started, can you tell me what this rag smells like?” he asked as he passed a damp rag to Pinkie.

Pinkie smiled as she took the rag from Dan’s hand. “Sure!” She brought the rag up to her nose and gave it a heavy whiff. “Sniff… It smells like chloroform!” she declared. Pinkie’s eyes widened as she turned towards Dan who stared back with a devilish grin.

“Ya you…ja… jerk…zzzzzzzzz…” Pinkie said sleepily as she quickly passed out.

Dan chuckled to himself as he doused a fresh rag with Everclear. “You’d think she’d pick up on that trick at some point…”

The occupants of the room once again displayed a collection of very different expressions.

Jason was the first to quietly speak up on one side of the room. “Did he… did he just say he knocked out Pinkie?!”

“Terrible…” Jennifer said. “Simply terrible.”

“He’s a menace all right…”  Flynn agreed.

Jean spoke up, “I can’t believe that poor girl is trapped in such an abusive relationship.”

Chris simply listened with a blank expression on his face, the emptiness compounded by the eyepatches over both his eyes.

Elise looked somewhat irritated.

Amber gave out another heavy sigh as she began to speak, “So… to even stitch her up you had to knock her out with chloroform?”

“What?! It was for her own good!” Dan cried.

Pinkie nodded. “Sure was!” she smiled. “He stitched me up perfectly!” she added.

“Hey!” Elise said in a protesting tone. “How come when Dan knocks you out it’s ‘for your own good’, but when I do it to Chris, I’m a horrible wife?!”

“Uhhh… haven’t you like… knocked out Chris when you could have just asked him to leave the room?” Pinkie asked.

Elise frowned. “Well… you know… old habits and all that…”

Amber shot Elise a quick glare before she continued talking to Dan, “So… to even properly stitch Pinkie up, you had to knock her out…”

“What?!” Dan protested. “You heard Pinkie! She’d have eaten my face if I tried stitching her wound while she was still conscious!”

“I totally would have regretted it, afterwards, though!” Pinkie asserted. “I mean… I really like Dan’s face.”

 “And at no point did you think it was a good idea to take Pinkie to a hospital?”

“Hospitals are for squares!” Dan and Pinkie cried in unison.

“They’re better than stitching up wounds in your home!” Amber countered.

“Really?” Dan asked. “Wasting hours at a waiting room just to have a weirdo in a lab coat ask my girlfriend to strip so he can ogle her is better than getting the job done quickly!?”

“What?” Amber replied in a confused tone. “But that’s not… Okay the long wait, maybe… However, I think you might be exaggerating the last part a bit.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Of course you’d say that! You’re probably of one of those dirty people with health insurance!”

“Dan, you’re one of those dirty people with health insurance,” Chris informed.

“WHAT?!” Dan cried. “How dare you accuse me of such…”

 “Pinkie, too…” Chris added.

The color drained from Dan’s face. “What?! Inconceivable!”

“Noper!” Pinkie said happily. “It was on some of the sheets Wally had us sign when he promoted both of us!”

“Why that low down, evil, over weight jerk face!” Dan cried. “I oughta march right into the bakery and set his tie on fire!”

Elise looked at Dan with an almost bored expression on her face. “You didn’t read anything he had you sign, did you?”

“But it was all so boring!” Dan whined.

Pinkie nodded. “They really were!”

Amber uttered a sigh before speaking, “Well now that you know you have health insurance, maybe next time you’ll both go to the hospital if one of you is injured?”

Dan and Pinkie looked at each other then back to Amber.

Pinkie spoke up, “But hospitals are still for squares and Dan does such a good job!”

Dan grinned and motioned towards Pinkie. “There you have it! The lady has spoken.”

Amber groaned and raised a hand to her face. “Moving on…” she said in a defeated tone.

Jennifer leaned in and whispered to the group of couples, “Can you believe that? Dan won’t even take Pinkie to the hospital!”

Jean nodded. “And Amber is just pushing on despite that.”

“Wow…” Flynn muttered. “Things are really out of hand with those two.”

Jason shook his head in disbelief. “To think that girl sees nothing wrong with the way Dan treats her! She really needs help!” he added.

Jean frowned. “And it doesn’t look like Amber is going to provide much of it…”

Amber quickly scanned her eyes across the room. “Does anyone else want to share something for the good of the group?”

“ME!” Elise cried as she held up an enthusiastic hand. “PICK ME! Oh please pick me!”

Amber sighed and raised a palm to her face as she pressed an index and middle finger against her temple. “Alright, Elise,” she said in a somewhat defeated tone.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Well this is going to be boring.”

“Now Dan,” Pinkie began in a chastising tone, “give Elise a chance! She listened to our stories.”

 “FINE! I’ll try to hide how mind-numbingly bored Elise’s story makes me!”

“That’s the spirit!” Pinkie cried.

Elise grinned wickedly. “Chris and my date started when I decided to hijack a cement mixing truck.”

The couples on the other side of the room uttered shocked and appalled gasps. Dan’s grumpy expression quickly disappeared and he stared at Elise with a very uncharacteristic level of interest. Pinkie grinned as she quietly listened to Elise.

Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, Amber began to grind her teeth as she sat back in her chair and began massaging her temples. She glared out angrily into open space as Elise began to recount the events of her and Chris’s date.

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 101 Elise Vs. Fun Date

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 101 Elise Vs. Fun Date

-ooooooo-

With a quick chop to her target’s neck, the cement truck driver’s eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed to the ground in a heap. Elise quickly followed this up by grabbing the unconscious body and hauling the man out of sight behind a large pile of gravel.

Chris merely looked on in confusion with his one uncovered eye as he tried to grasp the situation. Well, I guess I should be used to watching her do this. I mean… she certainly doesn’t hesitate to get violent if she thinks it’s the quickest solution. That’s how she handled my old boss Mr. Zimmerman… EspeciallyMr. Zimmerman who probably would have helped us if asked nicely. Still I guessthis could be considered her showing restraint.

Elise reappeared from behind the gravel pile holding aloft a set of keys. She looked up at Chris and smiled. “Come on! Date night is just getting started.”

Chris hesitantly made his way over to his wife and the truck she was standing in front of him. The sun was getting closer and closer to the horizon, but as late as it was, the spring evening was still bright. This seems a bit extreme for one trip to an-all-you-can eat buffet… but Elise did immediately start planningdate night as soon as we got home... Guess she has something else in mind besides dinner in a movie…

“Hurry up!” Elise cried as she threw a duffle bag into the cab of the truck and climbed in after it.

“Sure, Elise!” Chris said as he quickened his pace. He made his way to the truck and climbed into the passenger seat, following this up by fastening his seatbelt.

“Everything okay?” Elise asked in a concerned tone.

“Sorry,” Chris offered, “I guess I wasn’t expecting date night to begin with you dispatching a random truck driver.”

“Don’t worry! It’ll all be worth it!” Elise insisted. “You wanted a fun date, and that’s exactly what I have planned!”

 Chris flashed his wife a skeptical look. “Fun for who, exactly?”

“Trust me!” Elise insisted. “Everything I’m doing is designed so you will have the best date you’ve ever had!”

“I’m a little concerned about this design part.”

Elise frowned. “You think I’m micromanaging?”

“Uh… are we being honest with each other as a couple?” Chris asked in an unsure tone.

Elise sighed. “Never been particularly great at being honest, but I’m definitely willing to give it a shot if it means saving our marriage…”

Chris’s skeptical look quickly changed into full blown surprise. “You think our marriage is at stake?”

“Well, yeah…” Elise admitted. “I mean, you have lots of examples of me physically harming you, or allowing you to become physically harmed…” Elise glanced at the cab’s ceiling for a second. “Or even just not really doing anything about you being physically harmed.” She sighed and shook her head before she continued, “Even I have to admit that sounds pretty serious.”

“Well, it is…” Chris said. He smiled, “But it means a lot to know you’re working on it.”

Chris words did nothing to improve the look on his wife’s face. “That’s just it… what if just working on it isn’t enough? What if after everything I’ve done, and everything I’ll probably still do, you get sick of me and leave?”

Chris’s surprised look returned. “Elise, I had no idea you were worried about this!”

“Sorry,” Elise said as she turned and stared out front. “Like I said, I’m not so great at being honest and open… it’s just that…”—Elise turned back to Chris with a somewhat pleading, loving expression—“you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t think I treat you that way.”

Chris’s face flushed red and he glanced away for a split second.  “Really?” he asked.

Elise reached her hands over and grasped Chris’s. “Really,” she said with a nod. “I guess it just took me seeing another happy couple to remind myself how happy you make me.”

Chris paused briefly as he considered this. “…Dan and Pinkie?”

Elise nodded. “I know their relationship is a bit… strange, but they’re just so comfortable with each other.” She sighed before continuing to speak, “Before I was enamored with the idea of those two becoming a couple and now that they are I’m actually kinda jealous…”

“So the whole couple’s therapy thing…?”

Elise shook her head and waved a hand about dismissively. “I honestly was trying to help those two, or at least I thought I was. But after watching them sort out a lot of their own issues and seeing Amber try to help them, I’m kinda thinking those two might be better off working stuff out on their own.” Elise blew out a quick gust of air. “I’m not sure anyone is really capable of understanding their own relationship beyond them at this point.”

Chris knitted his brow and thought about this. “Yeah, they both live in their own little world alright. Plus, I’m not sure if they’re as destructive individually, but splitting them up just makes it seem like they’ll have an easier time covering more ground.” He paused and turned back to Elise. “Anyway, I can understand being jealous of them but…”— Chris looked around the stolen truck the couple was in— “rampant crime isn’t exactly the part about their relationship that makes me jealous.” Chris stared up briefly as flicked his palm up offhandedly. “I mean, I already have that with Dan.”

Elise chuckled. “Don’t worry, this quite a bit different from a standard Dan vengeance run.”

“How so?” Chris asked.

“Well, it’s all for you instead of all for Dan, for starters.”

Chris smirked. “You have my attention.”

Elise gave her husband a wry grin. “I’m afraid the rest is a bit of a surprise.”

Chris frowned. “Unexpected heap of bacon surprise, or we’re going to end up in jail surprise?”

Elise rolled her eyes but kept her smile. “Should be much closer to the former.” Her expression suddenly turned a bit more serious.  “I do need to blindfold you, however.” She gulped as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a blindfold. “Do you trust me?” Elise asked in an unsure tone as her expression turned pensive. This is it… if he says ‘no’, then maybe our marriage really isin a state from which there is no reco—

“Of course, beautiful!” Chris said almost immediately.

Elise smiled and breathed a quiet sigh of relief as she tied the blindfold around Chris's head. She pressed her lips against Chris’s and felt him return the gesture as he too, parted his lips slightly. Elise felt some of tension drain from her as her husband lovingly kissed her back. She broke the kiss and looked forward, a hopeful smile on her lips. Don’t worry, you got this. No oneknows Chris like you… not even Dan. Elise started the truck, put it into gear, and pulled away from the cement factory.

-ooooo-

Chris grinned eagerly as he heard the truck’s engine quiet and felt the vibrations of the truck stop. “Can I take off my blindfold yet?”

“Not yet!” Elise said sweetly. “I just need to make one more quick stop. Here…”

Chris heard a quiet click right before the truck cab was filled with the sound of an electric guitar blaring away. He smiled. “I love this song!”

“Good!” Elise said. “Just sit here and enjoy some music… I’ll be right back…”

Chris smiled. “Alright, honey!”

Chris heard the door close as the music began to pick up in tempo. He smiled to himself as he raised his fingers and began to move them about as he played air guitar to the song that was booming from the truck's speakers. He began to sing along as he attempted to mimic the sound of a guitar, “Nernernernernernernerner…”

‘Thud!’

“Aaaaah! Please! Stop! I’ll do whatever…”

‘Thump!’

“.. Whawhawhawha!” Chris continued to sing, oblivious to the pleading voices and sound of violence around him.

“That doesn’t bend that way!”

‘Crack!’

“AHHHHH!”

“Wheeeereeeerewnerenernerenrerner…” Chris paused as the door suddenly opened. “Elise?”

“PLEASE! You have to help me! There’s some sort of ninja on the loose and… MMMMPHPH!  MMMmmm….”

“Hey, Chris!” Elise called out. “Just uh… just organizing one more thing for our big date.”

“Uh… sounds… intense…” Chris said tentatively.

“Not really,” Elise replied. “I mean… aside from the one security guard, no one here really knew how to fight.”

“… What?”

“Oh nothing!” Elise said as Chris heard the truck engine turn on. “Just one more thing and we’ll be on our way…”

-ooooo-

“Alright,” Elise said as she turned off the truck engine, “you can take off your blindfold.”

Chris unwrapped the blindfold and his eyepatch-free blue eye adjusted to the light as he enthusiastically looked around. “Hey! My favorite all-you-can-eat buffet!” His smile fell ever so slightly. “But I don’t see why we needed the truck…”

Elise smiled. “Don’t worry, you will…” She undid her seatbelt and exited the truck cab. “Shall we go?”

Chris nodded as he also exited the truck. “Sure, darling.”

Elise quickly walked up to Chris and slipped her hand around Chris’s, interlacing her fingers with her husband's. They made their way to the restaurant’s glass- double door entrance.

The couple made their way inside, paid the cashier, and found a nice cozy booth to sit at in the bustling restaurant. Soon Chris had piled a plate high with unhealthy food items including a large stack of bacon and returned to the table.

With a smile on her face, Elise raised an eyebrow. “You do realize you can make more than one trip, right?”

Chris chuckled. “Sorry honey, guess it’s been so long since I’ve been here I got a little carried away.”

Elise shrugged. “It’s alright… OH! I think it’s time for your surprise! Wait here!” She quickly stood up and made her way towards the restaurant's entrance.

“Sure, beautiful.” Chris grabbed a handful of bacon and stuffed it into his mouth. “Mwo pwowblem…”

At the entrance, Elise opened the doors and propped them open as she walked back towards the truck.

Chris continued eating and soon the sounds of a constant beeping from a truck backing up began to sound off. The beeping grew louder as the cement truck backed up almost right into the restaurant entrance, its chute actually going beyond the double doors and pointing into the restaurant itself. Concerned murmurs began to float out from the other restaurant patrons. However, Chris continued eating, oblivious to the noise and unusually close truck.

The concerned murmurs turned into shocked gasps and panicked cries as the lid on the chute opened and a viscous brown substance poured out into the dining area. People screamed and fled for the emergency exits as Chris finally looked up and watched the substance ooze closer to him. His eyes went wide, not in horror, but in disbelief. No… it can’t be… There’s no way this is really happening!

Smiling, Elise emerged through the restaurant entrance and trudged through the substance in wearing pair of high hip waders.

“Elise!” Chris exclaimed. “The restaurant is full of soft serve, chocolate ice cream!” He began to tear up. “It's like… it’s like all my dreams are coming true!”

Elise beamed. “Of course, handsome. What do you think I filled the truck with?”

Chris gasped as realization set in his face. “You did all this for me?!” he asked.

Elise nodded.

Chris leaned down and dipped the bacon in his hand into the ice cream below and scooped up a sizable amount of the soft substance onto his makeshift, meaty spoon. “Elise… I know I don’t say this often enough... but I love you. You’re best wife a man could ask for.”

Elise beamed. “Thanks Chris. I’m just lucky to have such a loving husband in my life.” She closed her eyes, pursed her lips and leaned forward.

“Uuhhh… swoory, hwoney…”

Elise opened her eyes to see Chris had just stuffed the ice-cream covered slab of bacon in his mouth and was now vigorously chewing it. She smiled and lightly pressed her lips against Chris’s anyhow.

-ooooooo-

The group was silent as Elise finished her story with the exception of a low, constant growl from Amber.

Elise pursed her lips as she looked across the room. Amber’s fuming, no surprise there. Looks like that was a bit much for the Goodhills, but I'm guessing they rarely, if ever resort to violence. Jennifer and Jason seem pretty unnerved, too, but they always struck me as rather normal. I wonder how Dan and Pinkie—

Dan slowly raised his hands and began to slowly clap them together.

Pinkie beamed and also began to clap her hands. Chris joined in.

“Well done!” Dan said with a smile. “Now that sounded like a fun date. Violence and property destruction.”

Pinkie giggled. “Teehee! I know, right?! Truck full of ice-cream?!” Pinkie gave Elise a wry smile. “I think I might just have to take that one from you.”

Elise smiled warmly back at her friend. “It’s yours.”

“Awesome!” Pinkie exclaimed happily.

Dan frowned. “You do realize that might actually kill me, right?”

Pinkie smirked. “I’m sure I can figure out a tasty, lactose-free substance to fill a truck with…”

Wide-eyed and pale-faced, Jason stared at Elise from his desk. “Uh… how are we… how are we supposed to react to any of that?” he asked the people sitting around him.

“I’m not sure, honestly…” Jennifer added. “I thought Elise was the sensible one out of those four…”

Flynn shook his head. “They’re all insane. Especially Dan.”

Jean continued to stare at the other couples across the room from her, her eyes focusing on Pinkie. “That poor, sweet, girl… Maybe someone needs to do something…” she murmured.

Flynn looked over at his wife. “You think so?”

Amber cleared her throat causing the group to focus on her once more. “So… let me get this straight…” she said as she rubbed a tense palm across her face. “You assaulted a truck driver, stole a cement truck, rampaged through a soft-serve ice cream factory, stole several hundred gallons of ice cream, then filled a restaurant with said ice cream.”

Elise beamed. “I did, and it was totally awesome!”

“Yeah!” Chris agreed. “Talk about going above and beyond to make a man feel special.”

“But… SHE… I MEAN…” Amber said in an angry frustrated tone as she flailed tense hands out in front of her. “THERE WAS JUST SO MUCH WRONG WITH ALL OF THAT!” she cried.

“What?!” Elise said in a protesting tone. “I admitted quite few of my shortcomings as a wife and treated my husband to a night he loved! That’s got to be a total relationship breakthrough! And you’re mad at me despite the fact that this should count as a total success on your part?!” Elise held out her hands palm up in a frustrated manner. “What do you want from us?!”

“Here, here!” Dan cried in agreement.

“Oh, I don’t know…” Amber said as she rolled her eyes and held up her hands in an exaggerated shrug. “Maybe that the four of you CONDUCT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WHILE ADHERING TO THE LAW AND NOT BEATING PEOPLE UP?!”

Dan, Pinkie, Elise, and Chris all exchanged glances… or rather Dan, Pinkie, and Elise did. Chris simply managed a somewhat-confused expression as his double-eyepatched face drifted left and right.

Pinkie began to giggle. “Hehehe… Good one! You had us going for a bit there…”

“Uh… Goofball?” Dan said. “I’m pretty sure Amber is serious.”

Pinkie immediately put on a serious expression. “Oh… that’s uh… really sad, actually…”

Elise looked over at Pinkie then back to Amber. “Yeah… I’m with Pinkie on this… I mean, I know you’re still just getting to know us, but you’ve had to figure out there’s some things about us that aren’t going to change.”

Amber cocked an eyebrow at Elise which, combined with her already rageful countenance, made her expression a soul-searing glare. “So you’re basically saying that it’s impossible for you four to conduct your lives in a way that doesn’t result in rampant law breaking.”

Elise glanced over at Pinkie. “Pinkie, how quickly did you give up on trying to get Dan to not break the law?”

“Oh geez…” Pinkie said as she tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling and tapped a finger against her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe like… a day after I met him?!”

Dan smiled. “She actually helped me commit assault and theft less than 24 hours after we met!”

 Pinkie motioned to Dan. “There you go. I mean… you can’t really stop Dan… I’ve found it makes more sense to try and direct him away from acts that harm innocent people…” Pinkie frowned. “And even then there’s no guarantee that’ll happen, either!' Pinkie paused and added, “… He’s like a force of nature!”

Chris nodded. “Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Elise spoke up, “Anyways, it was your session that got me thinking about all this.”

Amber’s left eye began to twitch almost violently. “What?” she said through clenched teeth.

Elise nodded. “I mean… I sat here and listened to how Dan and Pinkie’s date went and how much fun they had and you’re the one who convinced me that I kept dragging Chris along on things I wanted to do!”

“You weren’t supposed to combine those thoughts into an evening of gluttonous crime!” Amber exclaimed as she threw her hands up in the air.

Dan frowned. “What’s wrong with using us an example for a fun night out? We’re awesome!”

Pinkie nodded. “We totally are!”

Amber shot Dan and Pinkie and angry glower and an equally angry growl that silenced the two. She turned back to Elise. “Besides, you’re now feeding his eating addiction.”

Elise rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. “Uhhh… yeah… about that…”

-ooooooo-<

“Almost ready?” Elise asked as she poked her head into her and Chris’s bathroom

“Just about, honey!” Chris said happily as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror, wearing a towel around his waist and nothing else. He grabbed a metal aerosol can that was devoid of a label and lifted his arm, giving it a healthy spray before repeating the same motion on the other arm. “Man! I can’t wait to hit the buffet, I’m starving.”

Elise sniffed the air. “Uh yeah… I’m actually famished now that you mention it. Maybe we should hit a drive-through first…”

Chris’s face lit up. “A drive-through and buffet?! That sounds like a dream come true! Let me just make myself a sandwich… we still have an entire loaf of bread, right?”

Elise knitted her brow at Chris then glanced down at the can in his hand. “Uh, Chris? Can I see that?”

Chris handed the aerosol can to Elise.

Elise stared at the can as she rotated it around in her fingers. “Why isn’t their a label?”

Chris shrugged.

Elise raised the can up to her nose and gave it a sniff. Her eyes suddenly widened and as her pupils dilated. Without thinking she raised the can up to her mouth and attempted to sink her teeth in.

‘Clank!’

“Whoa!” Chris exclaimed. “I know you’re hungry, but metal is pretty inedible even by non-food standards.” Chris pointed out the door with his thumb. “I mean… after many failed attempts at chewing it, I had to a chart that covers that and everything. Want to see?”

“Ow…” Elise uttered as her eyes returned to normal and she rubbed her jaw. “Why’d I do that?”

“Uhhh… I don’t know,” Chris said. “Though something about that deodorant makes me really hungry.”

Elise’s eyes widened as she examined the can once more. “Chris! This isn’t deodorant! This is a canister full of a chemical that stimulates the desire to eat! It’s designed to be used in warfare to disrupt a population’s supplies by making them consume all their resources faster than they can produce new ones! Where did you even get this?!”

Chris stared back at his wife blankly. “You just left it next to some groceries when you came back from work one day. I just figured you got me a new deodorant you wanted me to try.”

Elise looked down at the can in her hand. “Oops…”

<-ooooooo->

Dan rolled his eyes. “Typical. Once again all the problems in your life are your fault!”

“Hey!” Elise protested. “I apologized to Chris after that.”

Chris pointed his eyepatch-covered face in a Danward direction. “Yeah! I mean… after the chemical shower, that is.”

“Uhg, you’re hopeless,” Dan said. “She’s not only exposed you to dangerous chemicals, but you had to suffer the cleanup afterwards and you’re still leaping to her defense!”

Chris’s mouth widened into a mischievous grin. “Oh, it wasn’t so bad…”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Being blasted with high-pressure water had a positive aspect to it?! Geez, you really are as dumb as you look.”

Elise shot Dan a wry grin. “I was exposed too, so I got in with him.”

Dan cringed. “Thanks for sharing you two. I needed an image to haunt the corners of my mind and make me cringe at random intervals during the day.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Oh, like that’s nearly as bad as some of the stuff you talk about you and Pinkie doing!”

Jean’s eye twitched at the word ‘bad’, but she said nothing.

Pinkie uttered a high pitched squeal of girly delight. “EEEEEEE! My best friends’ marriage is healthy again, AND Dan and my relationship is better than ever!” She smiled and looked at Amber. “And we owe it all to you…” Pinkie frowned. “You know… except for the parts you wear completely wrong about… like obeying the law…”

Amber glowered at Pinkie.

“…Also the fact that your advice didn’t help Dan and I… like… at all… I mean… we worked out most our problems ourselves…”

“Grrrrrr…”

“Also… we kinda pointed out Elise’s problems before she even spoke to you… so I mean… I guess you only get partial credit there…”

Amber began to grind her teeth together as her growling increased in volume. “GRRRRRRRRR…”

“Also, Chris’s issue turned out to be easy-peasy to fix once Elise figured it out, so you didn’t do anything there, either…”  Pinkie paused as her look turned confused. “What exactly have you done for us?”

Amber looked a Pinkie with a bright red face that quaked with rage as both her eyes twitched angrily and a large vein began to throb on her forehead.

“Uhhh, Pinkie?” Dan said. “Maybe you should let Amber do some of her chanting and drink some of her tea.”

Pinkie turned towards Dan. “I thought you said that chanting stuff was stupid and didn’t work anyways?”

“Uh… guys?” Elise said in a worried tone.

Dan nodded. “Well, yeah. But Amber sometimes fools herself into thinking it works and adds her rage to the deep, hidden, ball of fury inside her where it can fester quietly as a mental illness… it’s either that or she…”

“AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” Amber roared as the frustration from dealing with her new set of couples finally brought her to the boiling point.

Dan frowned. “We should probably go…”

Pinkie stared up at Amber with wide, fearful eyes. “Eeep… Yeah I think… I think that’s a good idea…”

Dan stood up and pointed towards Elise. “Elise, grab Captain Blindy of the Gravy Seas.”

“Way ahead of you,” Elise said as she quickly stood up and helped Chris out of his desk.

Likewise, Jean stood up. “Now Amber, you know all this anger isn’t healthy. I suggest you take a few calming breaths, find your center, and we can all calmly get through this.”

“Uh, honey?” Flynn said in an unsure tone. “I’m not sure now is the time to…”

Amber shifted her attention to Jean and picked up her chair. She approached Jean slowly as she focused eyes full of rage and hate at the glasses-wearing hippy.

 “Good idea!” Dan said as he pointed an index finger at Jean. “While you remind Amber how much she dislikes you, we’ll make our escape!” he added with a smile as he pointed to himself with his thumb. “Now if anything should happen to you… we’ll be far, far away!”

The attention no longer focused on her, Pinkie quickly sat up from her desk.

“Uh… Amber?” Jean said in a concerned voice. “Remember to step outside yourself… see the moment from a fresh perspective… and also please put down the chair.”

Amber continued to approach Jean menacingly.

“Jean, darling?” Flynn said. “I don’t think meditation and herbal tea are going to work this time...”

Jennifer looked over the unfolding scene with concern. “I think I might need to start taking my gun to group therapy…”

Jason cocked an eyebrow at his wife. “What is it with you and your gun?”

Jennifer frowned. “I just really haven’t had an opportunity to use it…”

Elise grabbed Chris’s hand and bolted for the door. Chris followed as best he could but ended up slamming his face into the wall.

‘Thud!’

“Ooooow!” Chris exclaimed as he rubbed his face.

“Ooh… Sorry, honey!” Elise exclaimed as she helped Chris through the door.

Dan stood up and grabbed his desk. He started to drag it after him.

Pinkie looked at Dan with a panicked expression. “What are you doing?!”

“Buying us some time!” Dan replied. “Go!”

“No! I won’t leave you!” Pinkie cried as she her eyes began to well up with tears and she wrapped her arms around Dan.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “The door is literally a few feet away! Just step through it!”

“Oh… hehe… right…” Pinkie said as she let go of Dan and stepped outside.

Dan dragged his desk through the classroom entrance and quickly stepped back in to grab the door’s knob and close it shut. He then jammed the desk against the door knob on the outside to hold the door shut. He leaned against the wall and wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand.

‘BANG, BANG!’

The group collectively flinched as someone pounded on the door.

“Wait!” the group heard Jason call out. “Let us out!”

“THERE’S NO TIME!” Dan cried.

“But she’s got a CHAIR! AHHHHhhhh!”

‘THUD!’

“What just happened?” Chris asked.

“I saved us!” Dan cried. “That’s what happened.” He looked up at Pinkie and Elise and noticed the girls were both giving him a disapproving look. “What?!”

“Dan!” Elise said. “Did you really trap those four inside with an enraged couple’s counselor?!”

“Obviously!” Dan replied as he narrowed his eyes. “You’re welcome!”

Pinkie opened her mouth and began to speak, “Dan I’m—”

A series of loud noises, angry roars, and panicked shouts rang out from the classroom.

“RAAAAAAAGH!”

‘CRASH!’

“AAAAAAH!”

“Grab the sharpened pencils! We’ll fend her off with those!” The group herd Jennifer cry.

“But we’re pacifists!” Flynn protested.

“Not if you want to LIVE, you’re not!” Jennifer retorted.

Pinkie’s eyes widened as she listened to the sounds of violence that emanated through the classroom door. “—strangely okay with what you’ve just done,” she concluded.

“What?!” Chris cried. “What did Dan do?!”

“Uh… save us,” Elise said. She looked at Dan and smiled. “Thank you.”

“Thanks, Dan!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she wrapped her arms and her boyfriend.

“It’s what I’m here for,” Dan said with a smile as enjoyed the feeling of Pinkie wrapping herself around him.

The two couples walked away from the classroom and made their way down the school hall.

“Weelll, that was fun!” Pinkie said in a chipper tone.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Only if you consider angry shouting and assault and battery ‘fun’…” He paused and thought about this. “Huh… I guess it was fun…” He knitted his brow and looked up at Elise. “But we don’t have to go back, right?”

Elise cocked an eyebrow at Dan as she walked hand in hand with Chris. “Preetty sure Amber might try to kill us if she saw us again.”

“Yeah… not so fun…” Pinkie said.

The group exited the elementary school into the warm, bright Southern California day school as Elise helped her husband down the school steps.

Pinkie wrapped her arms around one of Dan’s. “Anyhow, I think we fixed pretty much all our couple’s problems…” Pinkie grinned mischievously. “What do you think snukiki—”

Dan quickly pressed a finger against Pinkie’s lips. “You finish that sentence and I’ll break your jaw just so I can have it wired shut,” he said in a threatening tone.

Pinkie giggled nervously. “Hehe… right…”

“On that note,” Chris began, “you two want to arrange some time away from each other with us? Possibly something that doesn’t break the law?”

Dan and Pinkie exchanged a quick glance and shook their heads.

“Maybe later, monkey-face,” Dan said. “I just want to snuggle on my big easy chair with Pinkie in front of the T.V. at this point.”

Elise chuckled. “I can’t believe I just heard Dan say with word ‘snuggle’ without spitting or coughing.”

“THERE’S NO LAW THAT SAYS I CAN’T SAY CUTE WORDS!” Dan cried.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… I don’t mind. Though…we really need to get a new couch… ” She frowned. “And hold a funeral for the old one…”

“I know, right!” Dan exclaimed. “That couch had been just like a couch to us!”

Pinkie grinned and tightened her grip. “Not that I mind how cozy the chair is…”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Alright you two, I think even I’m starting to hit some sort of lovey-dovey threshold over here. We’ll see you two later.”

The couples quickly said their goodbyes and parted ways. Heading to their own vehicles.

Unbeknownst to them, Jean peered at the couples through the classroom window, paying close attention to Pinkie. “Don’t worry…” she murmured out as her eyes narrowed. “We’ll get you away from that madman…”

‘CRASH!’

“JEAN! How’s the tea coming along?!” Flynn cried out. “As sharp as these pencils are, we’re having trouble dealing with the reach on the chair!” he said as he, Jason, and Jennifer shielded themselves with their free hands and attempted to fend Amber off with their sharpened #2 pencils.

“Just another minute!” Jean cried as she glanced at a coffee maker as hot water continued to drip down into a mostly empty coffee carafe.

“GRRAAAAAARRRRRRGH!” Amber cried as she swung her chair back and forth at the other people in the room.

“We don’t have a minute!” Flynn replied and a slightly panicked tone.

Jennifer turned towards her husband as she continued to wave a sharped pencil about. “You know, I’m actually wondering if Amber is a bit of a genius here…”

“What?!” Jason exclaimed in disbelief. “How can you possibly think that?”

“I definitely think your anger issues aren’t such a big deal in the grand scheme of things,” Jennifer replied.

“Huh… good point,” Jason said.

Amber took a swing with her chair that knocked the tip off Jason’s pencil.

Jason gave a startled yelp as he looked at his makeshift weapon. “AH! NOT a good point! Cover me Flynn, I’m going for the sharpener!”

Flynn quickly stepped in and pointed his sharpened pencil at Amber menacingly with Jennifer as Jason made his way to the sharpener and Jennifer continued to brew a calming batch of chamomile tea.

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Part 11 Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Part 11 Epilogue

-ooooooo-

Flynn blew air on his steaming hot mug of tea as he held it up in a bandaged hand. He along with Jean, Jennifer, and Jason all lounged in a  spacious living room decorated with various colored throw pillows and different colored veils that hung from the ceiling.  His wife soulmate sat down next to him as she, too, held a steaming mug of tea in one hand, and held an ice pack to her head with the other.

Flynn turned towards Jennifer. “Good thinking with the tea that really slowed Amber down.”

Jean sighed. “Yeah, I just wish there was a non-violent way to solve that problem. I sensed Amber had anger issues but she was really pushed over the edge there.”

Jennifer raised a bandaged arm enthusiastically. “Don’t forget it was Jason who had the great idea to throw a desk through the window so we could climb out.”

Flynn smiled and nodded at Jason. “Yeah, quick thinking there, Jason.”

“Thanks!” Jason replied with a smile. He stared down at his bandaged palms. “I just wish I thought of something to do about the glass after I helped everyone else get out…”

“Don’t worry,” Jennifer said as she lovingly patted her husband’s shoulder. “You did good.”

The group descended back into silence punctuated only by someone sipping from their steaming cup.

“So! Uh…” Jennifer began. “What should we do now?”

Flynn smiled. “Find a new couple’s therapist?” he suggested.

The group chuckled amongst themselves.

Jean’s expression suddenly went serious. “I think we need to rescue that poor, sweet girl from Dan’s clutches.”

Jennifer frowned. “I was thinking more like Scrabble or Apples to Apples…”

Flynn turned towards his wife. “You’re really fixated on her, huh?”

Jean shook her head. “I can’t help it! She’s so bubbly and nice! I can’t imagine why she would willingly stay with a man like Dan!”

“I don’t know…” Jason said. “Going by her story, it kind of sounded like they balance each other out.”

“Dan doesn’t need ‘balancing out’,” Jean insisted. “He needs to be incarcerated! I mean, he knocked her out with a chemical for crying out loud!”

“Well, why don’t we call the police on him?” Jennifer suggested. “I mean, he admitted to plenty of wrong doing.”

Jean shook her head. “I thought about that, but even ignoring the potential legal pitfalls of trying to use things he said in group to incriminate him with, Pinkie would probably be thrown in jail, too.”

Jennifer frowned. “I guess that doesn’t help her much.”

“Exactly,” Jean said. “We need to get that girl away from Dan and undo the damage he’s done to her!”

Jennifer frowned. “Well, I’m not going to disagree that Dan’s probably a bad influence on the girl, but how do you propose we do that? It doesn’t really seem like Pinkie wants to spend any time away from Dan…”

Jean narrowed her eyes. “Well, we’ll just have to get her away from him and keep her away until she can see Dan for the horrible monster he is!”

Flynn gave his wife a concerned look. “You want to kidnap the girl?! I can agree she needs help, but forcing her into it is pretty far from your usual outlook of letting people decide what’s best for them!”

“She’s shacked up with a maniac,” Jean stated. “I think we can safely say she hasn’t made a good decision.”

“You were going to let Dennis decide if he should stay with Dan or us, at one point!” Flynn pointed out.

From behind her brown-tinted glasses, Jean rolled her eyes. “That was before I figured out how much of a maniac Dan was.”

“Are you guys scheming in there?” a male child’s voice called out.

“No Dennis, buddy.” Flynn replied.

A small, freckle-faced child with curly-black hair, wearing a black and grey striped shirt, blue pants, and black shoes emerged from a doorway leading into the living area. “Oh well, it sounds like scheming.”

Jean looked over at her adopted son. “No Dennis, mommy and daddy where just making some plans with our therapy friends.”

“Illegal plans?” Dennis asked.

Jean frowned. “Righteous plans!” she declared.

Dennis cocked an eyebrow. “That are also illegal?”

“Dennis,” Jean began in a serious tone, “some things are so important they transcend the bounds of legality.”

Dennis frowned at his adopted mother. “Still scheming…” he muttered under his breath.

“Hey, buddy,” Flynn said with a smile. “Why don’t you keep playing with Kale for now and let the big people hash this out.”

“I would,” Dennis replied, “but Kale’s tied up right now.”

Flynn and Jean frowned.

“You mean literally,” Flynn said, “don’t you, champ?”

Dennis smiled mischievously and nodded. “Yep!”

Flynn sighed. “Are you playing hostage negotiator?”

Dennis nodded enthusiastically.

Jason and Jennifer shot each other concerned looks.

“I uh… I better get back there…” Flynn said. He followed Dennis out of the living room and down the hall.

The rest of the group followed Flynn and Dennis with their eyes briefly.

Jean continued, “So… I know this sounds a bit extreme… especially for me, but we’ve all seen and experienced what that man can do. Ask yourselves if you can really in good conscience allow that man free reign to corrupt that poor girl.”

Jason and Jennifer gave each other thoughtful looks before turning back towards Jean.

Jennifer spoke up, “What do you need us to do?”

-ooooooo-

“Hehe…” Pinkie giggled to herself as she rubbed her smooth cheek against Dan’s stubble-covered one. “Scratchy, scratchy!” She sat on Dan’s lap with her hands wrapped around her boyfriend, still wearing her striped, long-sleeved shirt and jean shorts with the addition of a cape.

Dan, likewise, was wearing his normal outfit, also with a cape. “Yeah, yeah…” Dan said with a small smile as his eyes remained focused on the TV. “I don’t see what the big deal is, I shaved a few days ago.”

“Oh, I wasn’t complaining,” Pinkie said. “Just enjoying some high quality ‘super snuggles’ with the bestest, best boyfriend in the whole wide universe!”

Dan smirked. “The universe, huh?”

“Well, d’uh!” Pinkie replied as she pulled her head back slightly to better look at Dan. “I mean, I don’t know of anyone else who beat up the king of some sort of magical teleporty land!”

Dan smiled wide. “Well, I am pretty great!”

Pinkie tightened her grip. “Yepper! So great in fact, I think it would take something pretty major to get me to move from this…” Pinkie perked up her head as she heard a soft jingle from outside. She gasped an enormous amount of air and leapt out Dan’s lap. “Dan! Ice-cream man! Uh… erm… uh…” She glanced pensively between Dan and the door to the apartment as she began to nervously skip up and down in place.

Dan rolled his eyes with a small smile. “Just go, Goofball.”

“YAY!” Pinkie cried happily. “Did I mention you’re the absolute bestest, best, boyfriend in the whole, wide universe?!”

Dan chuckled. “‘Absolute’ is new.”

“Do you want anything?” Pinkie asked enthusiastically.

“Cherry Popsicle, please. And make it quick, will you? Without you it’s not ‘super snuggles’, I’m just some weirdo who likes to watch TV in a cape.”

Pinkie giggled. “Okie-dokie-lokie!” she said as she leaned down and planted a quick peck on Dan’s lips. “I’ll be back in a jif—No! a SUPER jiffy!” Pinkie declared. With that, she extended her arms and made a long, extended “Whoosh!” noise as she ran toward to the apartment door, opened it and ran out, arms still extended in front of her as she pretended to fly.

Dan just smiled and shook his head as he went back to watching the T.V.

-ooo-

“She’s coming!” A man that looked suspiciously like Jason wearing a fake beard cried as he looked outside from a van that looked like it had a fresh coat of white paint along with some hastily added stickers of various ice cream bars. “No wait! She’s stopped.”

-ooo-

“Wait!” Pinkie cried as she stopped and stared at the van from the apartment walkway. “A man that looks suspiciously like who?!”

Nothing! Just go up to the van! Part 11 has gone on long enough as it is!

Pinkie pursed her lips and up into open space. “Are you planning something?”

Uh… yeah…

Pinkie nodded. “That’s what I thought! You have to get up particularly early to fool this pink pony turned human.”

… That ice-cream van has a proto type new type of ice cream cone! It’s uh… got ice cream at BOTH ends!

Pinkie gasped. “AWESOME!” she put her arms back out and resumed running towards the truck while saying “Whoosh!” and pretending to fly while her cape billowed behind her.

Phew… close one…

-ooo-

“No wait! She’s coming again,” the bearded man who was not suspicious in anyway said.

From inside the van Flynn and Jennifer looked at Jean.

“Do you think we can convince her to hear us out?” Flynn asked.

Jean glanced down at the rag and a plastic green bottle in her hand. “Well… if not… there’s always plan ‘B’.”

End Part 11

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Part 12 Prologue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples

Part 12 Prologue

-ooooooo-

Jason pensively looked over Pinkie as she approached the van and made a quick, silent prayer that she wouldn’t see through what, to him, seemed like a hastily put together plan.  Alright, so the fake beard is probablyenough for her not to recognize me, but the van clearly has a fresh coat of white paint on it, and it’s not like we did a terribly great job with all these stickers… there’s no way she’s going to…

Pinkie bounded up to the driver’s side window with a smile. “One prototype double-sided ice cream cone please!”

“Uhhh… suuuure…” Jason responded as he smiled nervously. He turned back into a van and flashed a look that screamed ‘Help me!’ to the trio hiding below the windows in the back.

Jennifer, Flynn, and Jean all exchanged confused glances. Flynn quickly grabbed two large waffle cones, stared down at a number of containers of ice cream on the floor. He looked back at Jason and mouthed ‘What flavor?’

Jason turned back to Pinkie. “Uh… What flavor would you like… miss?”

Pinkie continued to smile. “Surprise me! And of course, I mean ‘pick a flavor for me’, please don’t bleach my skin or dye my hair yellow!”

Jason merely stared at Pinkie blankly as Flynn quickly filled the waffle cones with a pink scoop of ice cream each. He looked down at the two cones in his hand, unsure what to do with them until Jennifer motioned for him to hand them over. Flynn complied and Jennifer quickly inserted each pointy end into a red rubber band and wrapped the band around the ice cream. She carefully passed the unwieldy food item forward to Flynn who passed it to Jason.

Jean remained motionless as she held fast the bottle and rag in her hands. However, she whispered, “Tell her it’s all natural!” to Jason as he was handed the cone.

Jason raised an eyebrow at Jean before he carefully passed the doubled ended cone to Pinkie who took it in a dainty, pink-fingernail-polished hand. “There you go, it’s all natural!”

Pinkie gasped. “I LOVE all natural!”

Pinkie examined the cone carefully and giggled to herself. “Hehehe… Impractical!” she declared. To Jason’s amazement, Pinkie began twirling the double-ended cone in her fingers as she stuck out her tongue and allowed the ice cream on both ends to brush up against each end as she spun the cones around and around.

Soon Pinkie was finished with the ice cream and quickly devoured both cones. “Iwt’s gwood, but…” Pinkie continued to chew down with an unsure expression on her face. She spat out the red rubber band into her palm, grabbed it with her thumb and forefinger, and then held out the slobbery piece of rubber for Jason. “Hehe… You might want to work on sticking the cones together with something edible.”

Jason held his palm under the rubber band allowing Pinkie to drop the saliva-covered item into it. He quickly lobbed it over his shoulder back into the van, accidentally hitting Flynn in the forehead.

“Ooo! Can I get a cherry flavored Popsicle, too?”  Pinkie asked happily.

“Uh, sure…” Jason said. “But first we’d— I MEAN I’D like to ask you a few questions, if that’s okay...” Jason said nervously. She’s not going to do it… who ever heard of an ice cream man running around asking questions?

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Jason gave Pinkie a blank look before quickly producing a pen and clipboard.

“Uh… Question number 1: On a scale from one to ten, how satisfied are you with your current relationship?”

“Oh gee… that’s a toughie…” Pinkie said as she tapped an index finger against her cheek thoughtfully. “Am I allowed to go over ten?”

Jason glanced back into the van with an inquisitive expression. Jean simply shrugged in a ‘Sure, why not?’ fashion.

Jason turned back towards Pinkie. “Yeah, sure…”

Pinkie smiled. “Then I’m ‘infunity’ satisfied with my current relationship!”

“Uhhh…”

“That’s like infinity, but also fun!”

“Riiight…” Jason continued. “Does your boyfriend ever get physically violent with you?”

“Oh, ALL the TIME!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Jason’s eyes widened. “Really? Does he hit you?”

“Uh… sure?” Pinkie said in confused tone. “I mean… only after I’ve hit him… but I don’t see what that has to do with us getting violent together…”

Jason turned back into the car with a confused expression. A trio of equally confused expressions met his gaze. He turned back to Pinkie. “Uh… ‘violent together’?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Uh-huh! Like the time we beat up a city full of weird, almost mutant-like dancers together, or the time we fought a supervillain, or even the time we beat up a bouncer at a nightclub because he wouldn’t let Dan in!”

“Uh…”

 “The BEST part about that last one is we didn’t even want to go into the nightclub!” Pinkie informed with a smile. “We got confused and thought we were in line for tacos.”

“Uhhh… okay… Moving along, does your boyfriend ever yell at you?”

“Of course!” Pinkie said happily.

“Uh right…” Jason jotted something down on his clipboard. He looked back up with a knitted brow. “You don’t seem too bothered by that.”

Pinkie shrugged. “Dan yells at everyone, and everything just about! It’s sorta his thing… I mean… getting mad about that would sort of be like being mad at a crippled person because they can’t walk! Even I know that’s bad!”

“Uh… er… okay… next question—“

“Is this going to take a while?” Pinkie asked. “I mean, I just told Dan I was going to get some ice cream and get him a Popsicle. Just ‘cause he yells a lot doesn’t mean I want to give him a reason to.”

Jason darted his eyes back and forth as he quickly thought of a response. “If you answer all the questions the ice cream is free!” he said hastily.

Pinkie frowned. “Are you trying to kidnap me?”

The color drained from Jason’s face. “Wha… NO! Why would you even suggest such a thing?!” he asked as he waved his hands in front of him.

“Well, it’s just the last van that showed up with a hastily applied paint job also offered free sweets and the person in that tried to kidnap me! Dan was so angry he wouldn’t let me use my phone for a few hours afterwards!”

-ooooooo-<

 “Can I have my phone back now?” Pinkie asked.

Dan looked up from the T.V. long enough to shoot Pinkie an angry glare. “No!”

“Oh… alrigh then…” Pinkie said as a pout made its way onto her face.

*Later*

Pinkie leaned her head down on Dan’s lap and smiled up at him with a large, toothy grin. “Can I have my phone back now?”

Dan looked down at Pinkie in irritation. “NO!”

Pinkie blew an angry gust of air up at the lock of curls that hung in front of her head. “Fine!” she huffed out as she raised herself back to her feet and walked away.

*Later still*

“Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!”

“Hehehehe…” Dan giggled as Pinkie buried her face in his neck and peppered it with a number of kisses.

“Hey DaAaAaAaAn~?” Pinkie cooed out sweetly.

“Hehehe… What is it, Goofball?”

“Can I have my phone back noOoOoOoOw~?”

“Uhhh… hmmm…” Dan stared up at the ceiling and pondered this. “No,” he said flatly.

Pinkie sighed. “Oh… okay…” She giggled to herself and placed her face against Dan’s neck once more. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!”

*And finally*

“Wow…” Pinkie uttered as she clutched a bed sheet against her bare body, the white cover hugged her shapely frame as she breathed in and out. “Huff… puff… That was… That was AMAZERING!”

Dan put his hands behind his head and laid back on a pillow as he grinned wide with a self-content smile. “Yeah, I’m pretty awesome…” he said.

“Sooo…” Pinkie began as she smiled at Dan. “… can I have my phone back now?”

Dan maintained his smile as he rolled his eyes. “Alright, fine.”

“Yay!” Pinkie said as she leaned down and reached down for something on the floor. She came back up with Dan’s jeans, searched the pockets, and pulled out a smartphone. She quickly hit the screen a few times and put the phone up to her ear.

A voice answered from the phone.

“Yes, there’s a man lying out in the street in front of Casa Paradiso,” Pinkie said into the phone. “He’s been pretty severely beaten with a baseball bat and he’s just been laying there for a few hours… so I mean… You should probably send an ambulance…”

Dan grinned wickedly. “Or a Hearse,” he suggested.

“Yeah, or a Hearse…” Pinkie said into the phone. She paused and covered the phone with a hand as she looked back at Dan. “What’s a Hearse?”

<-ooooooo->

Jason stared back at Pinkie with a terrified expression, the color having long fled his face in a desperate attempt to get as far away from the girl as possible.

“…And that’s the story of how Dan beat up a leprechaun with a baseball bat on St. Patrick’s Day!” Pinkie said cheerfully.  She paused and stared up at the sky briefly with a ponderous expression. “Or maybe that was the story of how Dan beat up the ‘Free Candy’ man and left him unconscious on the street for a few hours to teach him a lesson… They’re both pretty similar…” Pinkie mused.

‘SLAM!’

Pinkie and Jason both flinched slightly as they heard a door slam. They looked up towards the apartment complex to see Dan glowering down at them. “PINKIE!” Dan yelled out. “WHAT THE HECK IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO PURCHASE ICE—” Dan scowled down at the van with the crude paint job and hastily applied stickers then looked back at Pinkie. “Is someone trying to kidnap you again?”

“Uh… Maaaaybeeee~?” Pinkie offered with a pensive grin. She paused as she felt a pinchy sensation in her knee. “YES!” Pinkie cried out in alarm as her eyes went wide.

The door to the van suddenly flew open and Jean lunged at Pinkie with a rag.

Pinkie attempted to dive away, but Jason quickly threw his arm out and wrapped it around Pinkie’s neck.

“PINKIE!” Dan cried as he broke into a sprint down the apartment walkway.

“DAN! HELP!” Pinkie cried as she struggled in Jason’s grasp. Jean quickly placed her chloroform soaked rag up to Pinkie’s mouth and nose. Soon Pinkie’s eyes began to close as her struggling lessened, quickly stopping altogether.

“Oh, you are DEAD, hippy girl!” Dan cried as he made his way down the apartment stairs.

“GET HER IN THE VAN, QUICK!” Jean cried.

Jennifer and Flynn quickly emerged and helped haul Pinkie’s limp body into the van.

“DRIVE! DRIVE!” Jean cried.

“AAAAH!” Jason cried out in alarm as he hit the gas petal.

‘THUD!’

Jason looked out the window with a terrified expression. Dan was staring right back at him, having made his way to the driver side window. Dan latched on tight as the van sped down the street.

“I’M GOING TO RIP OFF THAT BEARD AND MAKE YOU EAT IT!” Dan shouted furiously as he held onto the car door tight with one hand and reached in with the other. He stared at Jason with focused, rageful eyes as he snagged the man’s fake beard.

Jason quickly jerked his head back as Dan held on tight. With a loud ‘Rrriiip!’ the beard tore away from Jason.

“YOU!” Dan cried. “Whoa… WHAAAA…” Dan quickly lost his footing on the van's door and slid to the pavement below with a ‘Thud!’ from his body and an “OOF!” from the man himself. He rolled across the pavement as assorted rocks on the ground scraped at his skin and tore at his clothes. He finally came to a stop upside down in the middle of the street facing the van as it sped away.

Dan sighed. “They took off the license plate… Of course… they’d take off the license plate…” Laboriously, Dan forced himself to his feet as blood trickled from his forehead and a number of fresh gashes on his body. “GAH!” he cried as one of his legs almost immediately gave out on him. He quickly steadied himself and took another look at the van as it sped off. His eyes narrowed to tiny slits. The side of his mouth pulled open into a furious grimace.

IT

IS

ON!

Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

COOOOUUUPLEEEES!Dan Vs.Couples

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples Chapter: 102 Dan Vs. Roundup

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples Chapter: 102 Dan Vs. Roundup

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples

Chapter 102 Dan Vs. Roundup

-ooooooo-

-- ♫

Dan squinted into the distance as blood from a gash on his forehead began to trickle down his head. Behind Dan, the sun had just touched the horizon and casted a warm orange and red glow over the California street.

--♫

Dan’s shadow stretched far in front of him as he continued to stare down the road. The blood from his wound traveled down his face. It created a small red stream that forked left at the bridge of his nose and pooled about his lips.

--♫

Dan brushed the back of a hand against his mouth, wiping away much of the blood but causing a faint red smear across his face in the process. Still holding Jason’s free beard in one hand, he reached into his pocket with the other, pulled out his smartphone, and hit the screen a few times.

--♫

A picture of Chris attempting to consume about a dozen strips of bacon simultaneously showed up above a message that said ‘Calling’.

--♫

Dan rose the phone to his ear and glanced at it with an irritable expression on his face as it rang on and on. “Come on… Come on…” He mumbled to himself.

--♫

“Answer the phone!” Dan growled out through gritted teeth.

--♫--

-ooo-

Chris glanced across the bed to his phone as it rang out on top of a nightstand and frowned. “Its Dan,” he announced.

“Oh, just let it ring,” Elise’s voice replied. “He can leave a message.”

Chris looked down at his lap and frowned. “Yeah… Dan gets really upset when I let his calls go to voicemail.”

“Dan’s always really upset. He’ll get over it,” Elise insisted.

“What if it’s an emergency?” Chris asked in a concerned tone.

“Don’t worry so much!” Elise said. “He’s got Pinkie to help bail him out of trouble! Besides, I’m really enjoying this…” Elise cooed.

“Well… alright…” Chris said with a small smile. “I guess it can wait for a little bit…”

“You’re the best, sweetie…” Elise said. “Do you think you can brush my tail next?”

Chris smiled down at the ashen-colored pegasus whose maroon mane he was currently running a bush through. “Sure, honey,” he said with a smile.

“Awesome,” Elise replied. She glanced across the room to a large, wood framed mirror that was hanging on the wall. Instead of a reflection, Twilight sat quietly in her library with a content smile on her face and an open book floating in front of her. “Twilight,” Elise began, “you should really get your boyfriend to do this sometime.”

Twilight frowned slightly as she stared off into space. “I tried.”

“Oh?” Elise replied. “What happened?”

Twilight turned to face Elise. “Unfortunately, Flash did not adjust to being a human as well as you adjusted to being a pony. There was quite a bit of screaming, for one.”

Elise frowned. “That seems a bit extreme.”

Twilight shrugged. “I actually reacted the same way the first time I transformed into a human… It’s not like we actually have humans in Equestria, so it’s probably a bit more of an adjustment for us ponies.” Twilight’s frown increased as she squinted. “You guys have a lot more… uh… fine manipulators than us ponies… it’s actually a bit creepy at first.”

Chris lifted up one of his hands to eye level and wiggled his fingers slightly. “Huh, I never thought about hands being that creepy…”

-ooo-

                -- ♫

 “Hi! It’s Chris! Leave a message!”

Dan shot a death glare at his phone and pulled it away as he began screaming at it, “YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! LETTING YOUR VOICE MAIL PICK UP WHEN I NEED YOUR HELP! THAT IS IT! WE ARE DONE! CONSIDER OUR FRIENDSHIP NULL AND VOID!I HATE YOU WITH THE VERY CORE OF MY BEING! WHEN THIS IS OVER I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL END YOU…”

--♫

Dan paused and brought the phone up to his ear and mouth once more. “Call me when you get this. It’s Dan,” he said nonchalantly.

--♫

“Pinkie’s been kidnapped by couples.”

--♫

Dan pressed the phone’s screen and terminated the call.

--♫

He hit the screen a few more times and placed his phone to his ear as he began taping the foot on his good leg impatiently.

--♫

“Pick up, you damn cookie Ninja, PICK UP!” Dan growled at his phone.

--♫--

-ooo-

In a dark movie theater, Ninja Dave and Becky sat next to each other surrounded by other moviegoing patrons as the light from the screen illuminated their faces and the collection of snacks they had.

Dave frowned as he felt a vibration from his jeans. He reached his into his pocket and pulled out his smartphone. The screen lit up as he stared at it. “It’s Dan…” he said.

“He’s probably just upset that you closed up the cookie shop while we’re at the movies,” Becky suggested. “Just shut your phone off. He’ll get over it… probably…”

Dave pressed a button on the side of his phone and put it back in his pocket. “I just hope he doesn’t smash up the store while I’m away…”

Becky smiled. “Eh, he’s probably with Pinkie. I’m sure she’ll make sure he doesn’t go crazy, or anything.”

-ooo-

--♫

“You’ve reached Ninja Dave’s phone, I’m not available—”

“GAH!” Dan cried in frustration.

“—at the moment. Please leave a message.”

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “Dave? It’s Dan. Maybe you can explain to me the point of having friends”—Dan pulled the phone away from his face slightly—“IF THEY’RE NOT EVEN AVAILABLE ON A MOMENT'S NOTICE IF YOU NEED THEIR HELP IN CASE,”—Dan rolled his eyes—“OH I DON’T KNOW,YOUR GIRLFRIEND GETS KIDNAPPED BY COUPLES?!”Dan returned the phone to his mouth and ear. “And by ‘your’, I of course wasn’t being rhetorical and meant my girlfriend. So uh… call me back when you got a chance. P.S. You’re dead to me.”

Dan sighed as he terminated the call and put his phone back in his pocket. “Guess it’s just me who has to fix this mess… typical.” He began limping back to his apartment, grumbling to himself as he went. “Stupid injured leg… Stupid friends who don’t pick up the phone…” Dan furrowed his brow and frowned. “I bet they’re busy doing couple stuff… Stupid couples…” Dan paused. “… in general…” he added. “Stupid couples who specifically kidnapped Pinkie Pie.”

--♫

Slowly, Dan pulled himself up the apartment stairs, keeping his hand on the railing as he made his way up and across the walkway to apartment ‘8’.

--♫

He opened the door were a mangy grey cat greeted him with a concerned sounding “Meow.”

--♫

Dan looked down at Mr. Mumbles and grinned. “Hey there Mr. Mumbles.”

--♫

“Pinkie Pie has been kidnapped by couples. Are you a bad enough cat to rescue Pinkie Pie?” Dan asked.

--♫

“Merrow!” Mr. Mumbles replied in a happy tone.

Dan nodded and bent down slightly to stroke Mr. Mumbles's head.

--♫

 “Alright, let me quickly treat these wounds and we’ll get your into your ski mask. We’ve got some breaking and entering to do!”

--♫

“Merow!”

-ooo-

Dan slinked through the dark night as he approached the elementary school simply labeled ‘Elementary School’. Dan had put on a black sweater as well as a black ski mask that he had pulled down around his face. He also carried an aluminum baseball bat with him. Mr. Mumbles bounded alongside Dan, a matching black ski mask also pulled down around her face.

Dan focused on one of the windows as he quietly drew closer to the school, noticing it was broken open. “Huh, that’s lucky…” Dan murmured. He crawled up to the window and slowly stood up, peaking into the trashed classroom as he kept his head down. “Eesh, those five really did a number on this place,” he said as he looked down at the overturned desks and broken pieces of pencils. “I’m amazed those four got away from Amber… She was even madder than when Chris littered all over the school…”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles called from the ground.

Dan leaned down, let go of his bat, and picked up Mr. Mumbles with his free hand. He held her pass the window frame and lowered her slowly into the classroom.

“Hmmmmm…” Dan hummed to himself as he stared at the broken glass along the window frame. He quickly took off his sweater and placed it over the top of the frame. He grabbed his baseball bat and, with a pained grunt, he pulled himself up and attempted to slowly lower himself into the classroom. “AAAH!” Dan cried as his sweater slipped and fell into the classroom with a ‘Thud!’ as more glass broke underneath his body and his bat rolled away into the room with a “Clangaaangaaangaaang…”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed as she bounded up to Dan and began licking his face.

“…aaaangaaaangaaangaaang…”

“Uhhhg…” Dan grunted out. “I’m fine,” Dan said to Mr. Mumbles. Dan slowly raised up to his knees as he brushed broken glass from his clothes. “Just keep watch and make sure…”

“…aaangaaa—”

“You’ve got a lot of guts coming here, after what you pulled!”

Dan sighed. “No one sneaks up on us.”  He turned towards the doorway and saw Amber’s silhouette in the doorway.

Amber bent down and picked up the bat. She held it one hand and slapped it lightly against her open palm and narrowed her eyes. “Hey, Dan,” Amber said. “I hope you came looking for trouble, because you just found it.”

-ooo-

“That seemed extreme…” A male voice called out.

... Who… Flynn?

“Well, this is an extreme situation!”

… Jean?

“I don’t know…” Another female voice said. “I mean… if we want to show her Dan has her in an abusive relationship, we certainly aren’t setting  a much better example.”

… Jennifer?

“Yeah!” A new male voice said out. “And Dan even saw us! If he doesn’t call the police on us, he’ll come after us for sure… and he’s out of his mind! Who knows what he’ll do?!”

… Jason?

“Don’t worry,” Jennifer said. “I brought my gun along just in case…”

“And if Dan attacks us with flaming logs fired from a nearby building?” Jason asked.

“Uhhh…” Jennifer nearly trailed off.

“Shhh…” Jean hushed. “She’s coming to.”

“Wha… what…?” Pinkie murmured as she slowly opened her eyes. Her vision slowly focused on her surroundings. A colorful living area full of different colored throw pillows and veils that hung from the ceiling. “Uhg…”

Pinkie attempted to move her limbs but found both her arms and legs held fast. She looked down at herself and pursed her lips. Her arms were bound behind her back and her legs were tied to the legs of the chair she was sitting in.

“Hello, Pinkie,” Jean said. “How are you feeling? Anything I can get for you? Water? Some chamomile tea?”

Pinkie’s eyes darted fearfully across the group. “Please don’t hurt and/or take advantage of me!” she pleaded.

Jean looked back at Pinkie in surprise. “No one is going to hurt you.”

“Oh…” Pinkie replied. “Uh… then why am I tied up?”

“We just need to talk to you and make sure you listen,” Jean explained.

Pinkie stared at Jean with a blank expression. “Talk? Talk about what?”

“Dan,” Jean said.

“Huh?” Pinkie said in a confused tone. “You don’t need to tie me up for that! I LOVE talking about Dan! I mean... I can go on for hours, and hours, and—”

Jean shook her head. “No, I mean… we want to help you understand why you should leave Dan.”

“Oh… okie… dokie… lokie…” Pinkie said as she processed what Jean had just told her. She smiled nervously. “Are you sure I can’t convince you to hurt me or take advantage of me, instead?”

-ooooooo-

Author’s notes: Sorry about the plethora of short installments lately. Just hitting stopping points a bit quicker than usual. I’m trying to get these out a little faster as a result, depending on other things going on and allergy attacks, that is…

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Chapter 103 Dan Vs. Amber

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Chapter 103 Dan Vs. Amber

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples

Chapter 103 Dan Vs. Amber

-ooooooo-

Dan narrowed his ski mask-framed eyes at the silhouette of a woman in the schoolroom doorway. “You may think you have me at a disadvantage, but fortunately I brought back up.”

Amber tensed her body and glanced from side to side, looking for a familiar pink blur to come out of nowhere and deck her.

From a crouched position on the ground, Dan pointed at Amber and began to shout, “GO FOR THE EYES MR. MUMBLES, GO FOR THE EYES!”

Amber looked down as Mr. Mumble bounded up to her, rolled on her back, and began purring.

“DANG IT MR. MUMBLES!” Dan cried. “THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T SKIP REHEARSALS!”

“You brought a cat… to help you burn down the school?” Amber asked.

“First of all,” Dan began indignantly as he remained in his crouched position, “Mr. Mumbles is wearing an adorable ski mask, so she’s clearly equipped for a dangerous mission. Second of all,”—Dan attempted to stand, however his injured leg soon gave out from under him and he fell to a kneeling position—“OW! Why would you even think I came here to burn the school to the ground?”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Uh, because you’re you?”

“You don’t even know who I am!” Dan cried.

Amber sighed. “Dan, not only do you have a rather distinctive voice, very few adult men are your size, and both you and Pinkie mentioned your cat Mr. Mumbles numerous times in your questionnaires.”

Dan frowned as he reached up and pulled the ski mask off his head. “FINE! It’s me. Now one of us needs to give that cat belly rubs and since my traitorous leg is making walking difficult, I nominate you.”

 “Ha!” Amber cried derisively. “You just want me to put down this bat so Pinkie can attack me without fear of getting pummeled.”

Dan shot Amber an unhappy-looking bemused look. “Do you really think you having a bat would be enough to keep Pinkie from beating the heck out of you?”

Amber paused for a moment, sighed, bent down, and began scratching Mr. Mumbles stomach with one hand as she continued to hold onto her bat with the other. As she leaned forward, her face appeared in the dim streetlight shining in from outside the school. Half of her face was a bright white color.

“Whoa… what the heck happened to you?” Dan asked.

Amber scowled at Dan. “Jean tried to make tea to calm me down, but ended up throwing it in my face in a panic.”

Dan knitted his brow slightly. “Wait… so half your face got scalded with water and now you’re like… half Joker? You’re kinda mixing your villains here…”

“No, you idiot!” Amber said angrily as she continued to scratch Mr. Mumbles. “It’s burn cream so I don’t end up with half of my face covered in scars!”

“Oh… Well, you’re kind of ruining your chances to become a supervillain here.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Well if you’re not here to destroy the school, why are you here? And where is Pinkie? I would have figured she’d have made an appearance by now.”

“Pinkie is the reason I’m here,” Dan said.

“Oh?” Amber replied as she scrunched her brow slightly. “Don’t tell me you two are trying the whole ‘time alone’ thing again. You two hated that idea.”

“Of course not!” Dan cried. “That idea was stupid and you’re stupid for suggesting it!”

“Still holding onto a baseball bat, Dan,” Amber reminded.

Dan grumbled irritably to himself. “Anyhow, Pinkie was kidnapped.”

“WHAT?!” Amber cried. “Then why the heck are you here?! Shouldn’t you be working with the police or one of your dangerous friends?!”

Dan sighed. “The police don’t take my calls anymore and all my lousy friends are apparently too busy to pick up their phones.”

“Uh… okay…” Amber replied. “However, that doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

“I’m trying to find the Goodhill’s address,” Dan explained. “I figured you must have it somewhere.”

Amber’s eyes widened. “The Goodhills?!” Amber exclaimed.  “You mean Jean…?”

Dan nodded. “Plus, that meddlesome hippy seems to have enlisted Jason and Jennifer into her twisted scheme. Lousy, filthy hippy…” Dan uttered. “They’re probably trying to indoctrinate Pinkie into their twisted cult of all natural foods and patchouli!”

“Uh, kidnapping seems like an extreme method to try to get someone to try to conform to what’s supposed to be a fairly peaceful way of life.” Amber raised the hand she had been using to stroke Mr. Mumbles and rubbed her chin. “I’m guessing there’s another angle here.”

Dan gasped. “Of course!” he cried as Mr. Mumbles bounded back up to him.

“What?” Amber asked.

Dan took Mr. Mumbles up in his arms. “They’re all jealous of Pinkie and I so they’re trying to separate us!” he said as he slowly raised to his feet and limped closer to Amber.

“Er, not very likely,” Amber replied.

“What?!” Dan said in a protesting tone as he walked within a few feet of Amber. “Why not?!”

Amber cocked an eyebrow at Dan. “You’re both kind of out of your minds? It’s hard to be jealous of something when you’re not quite sure what you’re looking at.”

Dan paused and thought about this, glancing at the ceiling briefly. “Well… you got me there…” Dan frowned and leveled an index finger at Amber. “If you’re so smart, why don’t you tell me what their angle is?!”

Jean glanced to the side as she scrunched her lips to the side of her face. “Hmmmm…”   She snapped her fingers. “I got it! You’re a deranged psychopath right?”

“So I’ve been told,” Dan said casually as he stroked Mr. Mumbles.

“And both couples have had run-ins with you, right?”

“Yeah? So, what’s your point?” Dan asked.

“Well, they all probably think Pinkie’s a sweet, innocent girl that you somehow tricked into being your girlfriend.”

“WHAT?!” Dan roared. “Why would they think that?! Pinkie’s crazy about me!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Emphasis on ‘crazy’.”

“Hey, I… er…uh… I guess I sort of walked into that one…”

“Anyhow, they only know Pinkie from yesterday. They didn’t know Pinkie decked me or have to read pages and pages of poetry or diagrams. Otherwise, they probably would have figured out she’s more trouble than she’s worth.”

Dan furrowed his brow and glared at Amber.

“What?” Amber replied.

“I’m trying to figure out if that was a compliment or an insult,” Dan said.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think the chances of any of those four actually turning Pinkie against you are almost nonexistent.”

“Well that’s all fine and good, but I still want to kick down some doors, smash some couple' skull, and bring her back.”

“Dan, you’re outnumbered and clearly injured. What makes you think you can just go to whichever place they’re keeping Pinkie Pie at, swing your bat a few times, and walk out with Pinkie?”

“Well, for starters the Goodhills are hippies, so not good in a fight. Also, Jennifer and Jason are normies.”

“‘Normies’?”

“Normal people! Keep up! Geez!”

“Riiiiight… Look Dan, Jennifer owns a gun,” Amber said. “I’m guessing wherever she is, she has it on her given she just participated in kidnapping!”

Dan frowned. “Still going,” he announced with determination. “Pinkie would do the same for me, and besides, we’ve dealt with worse.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Amber said. “Still, one injured man with a bat against four people where at least one is armed with a gun doesn’t sound like great odds.”

“Excuse you! But I also have a cat!”

Mr. Mumbles mewed in response.

Amber rolled her eyes. “This is ridiculous."

Dan held out Mr. Mumbles. “Are you doubting my cat’s ferocity? She’s very fierce!”

Mr. Mumbles swatted out into open air. “Merrow! Hissss!”

“Look, why don’t I just call the police?”

Dan retracted Mr. Mumbles and began stroking her again. “Uh, ‘cause you kind of attacked your couples’ therapy session with a chair today and might have to deal with assault charges if law enforcement gets involved?” Dan replied.

Amber paused and thought about this. “Wow… uh… that’s actually a pretty good point…”

Dan sighed and shook his head. “No wonder you were going to keep me in anger management to help you run your little vengeance schemes. You’re lousy at this stuff on your own.”

“Alright, fine…” Amber huffed out. “My files aren’t in my desk though, I’ll have to go upstairs to get them.” With that, Amber turned and walked out of the room.

“Can I have my baseball bat now, please?” Dan asked.

“No,” Amber said. “I’m keeping it so you don’t smash up anything while I’m away.”

“Oh, come on!” Dan whined.  “It’s already so smashed up! I didn’t think anyone would notice.”

“Mew?”

Dan looked down at Mr. Mumbles. “Alright, fine…” he huffed out as he began scratching behind her ears.

Mr. Mumbles purred in response.

Dan waited as patiently as he could, which involved lots of sighing, irritated grumbling, tapping his foot, exclaiming “How long does it take to get a couple of addresses?!” to no one in particular and screaming out “HURRY IT UP, ALREADY!” a few times.

Eventually, Amber walked back into the classroom holding a sheet of paper in one hand, a baseball bat in the other, and wearing a black sweater that matched Dan’s and a black beanie on her head.

“You kept your vengeance run sweater?” Dan asked in surprise.

“What?!” Amber cried. “It’s warm!” she reasoned.

“So you want to come with me, I take it?” Dan asked.

“Yes! If that crazy, ‘hippyer than thou’ girl thinks she can just kidnap my clients and try to fix them, she’s got another thing coming!”

“But… you hate Pinkie and I,” Dan said.

Amber nodded. “True, but I hate Jean more… and against all odds she’s actually inflicted the worst injury on me.” Amber put on a determined expression as she looked at Dan and pointed at him with the baseball bat. “Don’t try to talk me out of this! My mind is made up!”

Dan smiled and began slowly walking towards the classroom door. “Sweet! Let’s roll,” he said as he walked past Amber.

The uncovered portion of Amber’s face turned pale as if trying to match her lotion-covered side. “Wait!” she cried as she followed Dan. “You were supposed to talk me out of this!”

“Now why in the wide world of kidnapping couples would I do a thing like that?” Dan asked.

“Oh, I don’t know…” Amber replied as Dan and she walked through the school hallway. “Maybe because this is still kind of crazy?”

“Huh? Really?” Dan replied. “Seems pretty pedestrian to me…”

Amber cocked an eyebrow. “Overzealous couples kidnapping your girlfriendis ‘pedestrian’?” she asked flatly.

“Well, sure!” Dan said. “I mean… except the girlfriend part. A few months ago it probably would have been Mr. Mumbles here—“

“Merrow.”

“—or Chris, or even my microwave.”

Amber stopped walking. “You’d hunt down and attack a group of people because they stole your microwave?”

“Wouldn’t you?” Dan replied. “So anyways, what kind of brainwashing do you think they’ll try on Pinkie?”

Amber quickly caught up to Dan as she began to speak.

-ooo-

Back at the Goodhill’s house, the couples all had joined hands with Pinkie, or rather, the couples had joined hands and Jean and Jennifer had placed their hands on Pinkie’s shoulder on account of her still being tied to a chair. The group swayed and sang harmoniously.

“Someone's singing, my Lord, kum bay ya;”

“Someone's singing, my Lord, kum bay ya;”

“Someone's singing, my Lord, kum bay ya,”

“O Lord, kum bay ya.”

There was a brief pause before Pinkie spoke up.

“Wheee! That was actually lots of fun! Definitely the most fun I’ve ever had tied to a chair that didn’t involve Dan in any way!” Pinkie said.

Jean turned towards Pinkie and smiled. “Good! Well, now that you had time to reflect on your relationship with Dan, how do you feel about it?”

-ooo-

Dan raised an eyebrow at Amber as the two climbed into his red hatchback. “And that actually works?”

Amber shook her head. “Of COURSE it doesn’t work! At best it just calms everyone down a little bit and maybe gets people talking! It’s not like singing ‘Kum bay ya’ has magic behavior-changing properties.”

-ooo-

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “I most certainly have!”

“Good!” Jean said. “Well, now is an excellent time to share your feelings.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “My relationship with Dan makes me feel like I’m being slowly lowered into warm, moist, delicious cake that I get to eat and it makes me feel all gooey and happy inside and outside!”

The group let out a collective disappointed sigh.

Jean frowned. “Really?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yepper!”

Jean shook her head. “That’s not good.”

“It’s not? Why not?! Cake is awesome!” Pinkie paused momentarily. “…Would it help if I compared my feelings to Dan to a party that’s been thrown just for me by the universe’s greatest party planner who knows exactly what I like and makes sure I have a an absolooper-super-de-duper fun time full off all my favorite food, and games, and music, and dances and—”

 “NO! That’s not good, either.”

Pinkie frowned. “Would it help if I made more baked good comparisons?”

“NO!” Jean said forcefully. “You’re not supposed to feel ‘good’ about Dan at all!”

“OOOOOOH!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Ooookay. That helps… uh… not at all actually!”

Jean sighed exasperatedly as she placed an elbow in one of her palms and raised her other hand to her face.

“I mean… I’m not sure how being tied to a chair and singing songs with you all is supposed to make me not like Dan. I mean… for one, being tied up isn’t exactly making me feel I can trust any of you.”

“She’s got a point,” Flynn said. “I mean, if we’re concerned she’s in an abusive relationship, we’re not really showing her a great alternative here. Maybe we should at least untie her. Show her she can trust us by establishing we trust her.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down enthusiastically. “Yes, please!”

“Well…” Jean said. “I guess we can trust her a little bit…”

“Wait!” Jennifer exclaimed. “What if she’s just suggesting this so she can get away?”

“Awwww!” Pinkie uttered. “You guys are sharp.” She sighed to herself, “And I was so close, too.”

“Look,” Jean said. “I know you’re feeling hurt and confused—”

Pinkie nodded. “Yes, mostly because you four hurt me and now are confusing me.

-ooo-

Dan drove through the streets of California as the street light waxed and waned rhythmically, quickly washing the three occupants of the red hatchback in light then dimming again and again. “Alright, so if that won’t work, what do you think they’ll try next?”

Amber pursed her lips. “Well, while none of the couples involved here have been in an abusive relationship they’ve been at sessions with other couples who have… They might try showing Pinkie some of my material.”

Dan’s expression hardened. “Now wait just a damn minute…”

-ooo-

“Wait,” Pinkie began as she stared at a TV the screen, “I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?”

Jason paused and turned to Pinkie Pie. “…What are you talking about? There is nothing like that in there!” he said as he motioned towards the screen.

“OH!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Well, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span…” Pinkie paused and added, “Usually. I don’t have to do this because Dan and I watch awesome movies, but this one…” Pinkie trailed off.

“It’s not a movie!” Jennifer exclaimed. “It’s supposed to explain how to tell if you’re in an abusive relationship!”

Pinkie frowned. “I see… I thought you four just had horrible taste… Well… I guess I know what to look for if I ever find myself in an abusive relationship…”

-ooo-

“Meerrrrow! HISSSSS!” Mr. Mumbles spat out as she clutched to the backseat of Dan’s car.

With a panicked expression on her face and her body pushed as far back into the passenger side seat as was physically possible, Amber mustered her wits about her before speaking, “I didn’t say I thought you and Pinkie where in an abusive relationship. I just thought it would be the next thing the group tries!”

“Oh…” Dan replied. “I see…”

“Now… can you please stop almost crashing the passenger side of the car into things?!” Amber exclaimed.

“Eh… I’ll think about it,” Dan replied. “What else you got?”

“Well… they might try to be a little more direct,” Amber suggested.

-ooo-

“Alright, I have an idea,” Jennifer said.

Jean nodded and motioned towards Pinkie as Jennifer kneeled down so she could look Pinkie in the eye. “Pinkie, what is something Dan does that you don’t like?”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “Well…”

“Don’t worry, Pinkie. You can tell me, this is a safe place.”

“Uhhh…” Pinkie looked down at the chair she was tied to. “Erm like… safe in that the chances of me being fangoriously devoured by a gelatinous monster are rather low, you mean? ‘Cause as much as I love the nifty looking throw pillows and stuff hanging from the ceiling, being tied to a chair isn’t really making me feel at ease here.”

Jennifer sighed. “Just humor me.”

“Sure!” Pinkie cried. “Why does cattle take a long time to cross the street?”

“Uh…. Why?”

Pinkie giggled to herself. “Hehe… Because they’re being cow-tious!”

“Huh?” Jennifer replied. “No, that’s not what—”

Flynn chuckled. “I got it!”

“Ayyyy!” Pinkie said with a sly grin as she nodded her head in Flynn’s direction.

“No!” Jennifer cried. She took a quick, calming breath. “I meant you can tell me what Dan does that you don’t like.”

Pinkie glanced to her side for a second. “Oh… okay… then… ah… Sometimes Dan hurts someone that doesn’t necessarily deserve it.”

Jennifer nodded. “And by someone you mean…”

“Oh!” Pinkie looked out into space as she began listing off things. “Well… mimes, ventriloquists, beggars… pretty much anyone on the street that comes up to us… mourners, farmers, waiters, Uhhh… the Mormon Tabernacle Choir… I once saw him get so upset with a pigeon he lobbed a taco at it, erm…” Pinkie refocused her attention on Jennifer. “Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Clair Foy… Look, can I just say ‘celebrities’? It’s a really long list, otherwise…”

“Uh, I thought when you said someone, you meant you.”

“Huh? No way!” Pinkie said as she shook her head back in forth. “I mean… the rocky beginning to our friendship aside, Dan only hurts me if I deserve it!”

All the couples in the room immediately looked at Pinkie with a concerned look.

“What?” Pinkie said in confusion as she looked at all the serious faces.

“Pinkie,” Jean began, “there’s absolutely nothing you can do that justifies you being hit!”

“…Well what if I hit Dan first?” Pinkie said.

“Uh… well… that doesn’t mean he should hit you back,” Jean said. “He should try to defuse the situation with you gently.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Uh… yeah… Okay, I know you think that sounds good and all, but you all haven’t seen me when I’m mad enough to start hitting. I’m pretty much way too far gone to be reached with words… So, Dan would just get hit more, then he’d be the one in the abusive relationship!” Pinkie paused as a cat-like grin spread across her face. “Also, I kinda like the part where we forgive each other, so…”

Jean sighed. “Well, is there anything nonviolent you’ve done that Dan’s hurt you over?”

“Sure!” Pinkie said. “Lots of stuff!”

“Okay, well Dan should at least never hurt you over that.”

Pinkie looked at Jean blankly and blinked a few times. “Uhhh… I’m not sure I can agree with you there…”

Jean sighed. “What can be so bad that Dan would have no recourse but to hit you?”

“… Do you really want to know?” Pinkie asked.

Jean nodded. “Yes! Please tell me.”

“Well…” Pinkie trailed off. “It’s not so much telling as showing…”

“Uh… can you show us without us having to untie you?” Jason said cautiously.

“SURE!” Pinkie said happily. “I mean… nOoOoOoOoOo~…” she said as she plastered on an unconvincing smile.

Jennifer sighed, “Just show us…”

“Rats! So close!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Alright… here I go… Uh… you all might want to stand back a bit…”

The group all exchanged glances and shrugged. They all stepped back and gave Pinkie a little more room.

Pinkie gasped in incredible volume of air, inhaling oxygen until her lungs were completely full. Once that was done she held her mouth closed with her cheeks puffed out.

“Uh… I don’t get it,” Flynn said.

Pinkie suddenly opened her mouth and let out what might be described as a low, whispery murmur…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…!”

…If one was deaf and incapable of feeling vibrations that is, being that the volume and pitch of Pinkie’s particular scream was just enough to affect even the comatose. Of course, on those perfectly capable of hearing, it had a much different effect.

“AHHHH! MY EAR CANALS!” Flynn cried as he covered his ears with his hands. The other couples followed suit.

“HOW IS THAT NOISE POSSIBLE?!” Jean cried. “I’VE HEARD TUVAN THROAT SINGERS WHO COULDN’T MAKE THAT NOISE!”

“…EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO…!”

“SOMEONE SHUT HER UP!” Jason cried.

“I DON’T THINK SHE CAN HEAR US, JASON!” Jennifer replied.

“THEN HIT HER!” Jason exclaimed. “JUST MAaAaAaAaAaKE IT STOP!”

“BUT IF WE HIT HER, WE’RE NO BETTER THAN DAN!” Jean cried.

“WE ALREADY DRUGGED AND KIDNAPPED HER!” Jason shot back. “IF DAN CAN ACTUALLY PUT UP WITH THIS, I’M STARTING TO THINK WE’RE WORSE THAN HIM!

“LOOK!” Jean cried. “SHE’S GOT TO STOP AT SOME POINT! I MEAN, HOW LONG CAN SHE POSSIBLY KEEP THIS UP?!”

“...GGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

-000-

“Holy geez!” Amber exclaimed as Dan parked the car. “What the heck is that sound?! It’s like someone is trying to make music by putting a family of squirrels in a blender then setting up a dozen megaphones next to it!”

Mr. Mumbles laid down on the backseat of the car and covered her ears. Dan just smiled.

“What are you so happy about?” Amber asked.

“Oh, I just really liked that imagery you thought up there…” Dan replied.

“Uh… thanks?” Amber replied.

“…WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH…!”

“Seriously though, what is that?” Amber asked.

Dan unbuckled his seatbelt. “It’s Pinkie’s distress call.”

“Huh… well its sure loud enough. Maybe even too loud.” Amber said as she undid her own seatbelt.

Dan shook his head as exited the car. “I meant interplanetary distress call.”

“Oh,” Amber replied as she also exited the car.

“…FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIEIEIEIIEIEIEIEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…!”

“Does it work?” Amber asked.

Dan nodded. “Yep! An alien ship crash landed almost right in front of us the last time she used it.”

“WHAT?!” Amber exclaimed.

“…AAAAAAAAAAARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARFARGARYYYYYYYEPYEPYEPYEPYEPYEPYEPYEPEEEEEEEE…!”

“I thought you said it was a distress call!” Amber exclaimed.

Dan nodded. “Yes! A call for causing interplanetary distress!” Dan smiled. “It made my vendetta against the aliens that abducted me a rather short one.”

“…AEIOUEAEIOUEAEIOUEAEIOUEAEIOUEJOHNMADDENJOHNMADDENJOHNMADDENJOHNMADDENJOHNMADDEN…!”

“Well, we know she’s here,” Amber said. “Should we go in?”

“You want to get closer to the debilitating, ear splitting, headache inducing noise?!” Dan cried as he threw out his hands.

“Well, no…” Amber admitted.

“We’ll just wait for it to stop,” Dan said.

“How long will that take?”

“…BLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGBLAGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOG…!”

Dan shrugged. “Until someone hits her.”

“WHAT?!” Amber exclaimed. “You mean she’ll just keep on going like this until someone actually hits her?”

“Well, I mean, she can go for at least 10 minutes. After screaming, yelling, and shaking her didn’t work, that’s when I finally just tried kicking her in the shin.”

“…CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSRADDARADDRADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDA…!”

Amber looked at Dan in an expression of surprise with a touch of admiration. “You sat through ten minutes of this before you tried a violent act to get Pinkie to stop?”

Dan smiled and shrugged. “True love, baby.”

“So uh…” Amber said. “I guess… I guess we just wait here?”

Dan folded his arms and leaned against his car. “Yep.”

“…SNAKESNAAAAKESNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE…!”

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples Chapter 104: Pinkie Vs. Kidnappers

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples Chapter 104: Pinkie Vs. Kidnappers

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples

Chapter 104 Pinkie Vs. Kidnappers

-ooooooo-

Author’s notes: There’s a reference to one of my other ongoing fics All That Shimmers below. You can all thank Wacky for inspiring a Team Four Star approach to Pinkie’s screaming for that part and the part that follows.

-ooooooo-

In what was usually a quiet Los Angeles suburb, Dan Mandel stroked his pet cat as he lounged against his car and stared down the street at a large, two-story tall, adobe home. On the other side of the car, Amber leaned her elbows against the roof of the small hatchback with a bored expression on her face. Light shined through a set of glass double-doors on a balcony just above the house’s garage, practically beckoning the trio to peek inside. However an unusual disturbance in this usually quiet Los Angeles suburb kept them from approaching while assuring them that the person they intended to save was probably, mostly okay, at the very least.

Anyone who saw Dan and the woman next to him would likely conclude they were up to no good. Being decked out in matching black outfits that practically screamed criminal, the two looked like they were either about to commit a crime, or at least about to be filmed pretending to commit a crime for some T.V. drama or commercial decrying the act of online piracy by making comparisons to stealing tangible objects.

Oddly enough, as illegal as the activities the two were considering perpetrating, their only targets were ones who had already committed crimes likely in excess of anything they had planned for the night.

Despite dressing in a fashion that would assuredly warrant attention from a neighborhood watch or the police, this usually quiet Los Angeles suburb was far more distracted with something else it was unaccustomed to dealing with.

“...BEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSBEARSRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAATATATATATATAAAAAAAAAAAA…!”

Amber sighed as she turned to Dan and began to speak, “Do you think Pinkie’s screaming is capable of exploding heads?”

“Possibly Martins',” Dan said jokingly. “Especially the parts that sound like yodeling.”

“...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWHEEEEEENIMCAAAAALLIIIIINGYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH…!”

Dan motioned out towards the house. “There you go!”

Amber shook her head. “I guess I have to give some credit to Jean and crew for putting up with this for so long… Unless they’ve somehow passed out…”

“...BADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERBADGERMUSHROOMMUSHROOMCREEEEEEEEDCREEEEEEEEEEDCREEEEEEDCREEEEEE…!”

Dan shook his head. “Naw, something about Pinkie’s screaming seems to make passing out impossible.” He turned towards Amber and cocked an eyebrow as he pointed at his head while spinning his finger around. “It kind of gets in your brain and reverberates, keeping you alert while you slowly go mad.” Dan paused and turned. “You know, like how Hell probably sounds like."

-Meanwhile, or as ‘meanwhile’ as places that exist beyond time and space and are also other dimensions that may or may not exist solely inside the heads of ponies turned humans that are dealing with demonic issues.-

Sunset Shimmer grumbled irritably to herself as she stared out into the barren landscape punctuated by the odd jagged rock or fiery pit. Alright, it’s official, she’s messing with me. She figured I already got used to a little banter before being julienned or charbroiled so now she’s sussed out the most boringway to get under my skin… uh… figuratively. Note to self: Don’t say that last sentence out loud when I see her again.

Sunset did an about face and stared out at more barren landscape, rocks, and fiery pits. Uhg… Why does Hell have to be so unnervingly quiet?! I would have expected some tortured yelling of the damned, or evil cackling from a horde of demons, or maybe—

“…YOLOSWAGTUMUTLOLWTFBBQAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…”

Sunset glanced up to the grey skies with a confused look on her face. … Okay… just… what? She shook her head as if trying to clear it. Dear Sunset Shimmer, please stop mentally wishing for things you will later regret. Sincerely, yourself. P.S. Seriously, what the heck wasthat? … Whatever it was, it did sound vaguely familiar.

-And in another dimension entirely.-

Inside Twilight's Library, Spike, Button Mash, and Sweetie Belle all sat at a round, wooden table. They all giggled with each other as they as they twirled and stroked the matching black mustaches on their faces.

Spike produced a scroll and held it up in front of him. “Alright, so now that we all have real, magic mustaches courtesy of support member Twilight Sparkle—”

“Please, don’t include me!” Twilight cried from her spot on the floor as she laid down reading a book. “Just because you asked for my help doesn’t mean I’m complacent with this club of facial hair and bad puns!”

“What?!” Spike protested. “Our puns are awesome!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “You three have about half a dozen puns you just keep recycling over and over again!” she pointed out.

Button Mash spoke up. “Well, that’s why Sweetie Belle has proposed a change to club proceedings!” Button grinned. “If it passes we'll be able to add way more length and volume to our jokes!”

Button and Sweetie Belle looked at each other and began giggling.

Spike sighed as he went to looking at his scroll and went back to address the club. “On that note, new business, Sweetie Belle proposed we expand our meetings to include mane puns.” Spike motioned out to Sweetie Belle. “Sweetie Belle, your argument for?”

Sweetie Belle nodded. “There’s only so many mustache puns we can make.” Sweetie Belle grinned. “As a result, it seems we also have to cut each meeting a little short.”

Sweetie Belle and Button Mash exchanged glances and giggled once more.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Alright, now my argument against.” Spike curled one of his claws into a fist and brought it up to his mouth. He cleared his throat and pointed at the top of his head. “I don’t have a mane, I’d be left out.”

Sweetie Belle frowned as she looked Spike over. “Oh shoot, you’re right. I guess it’s not a very fair idea.”

“Oh well, you know what they say,” Spike said as he did his best to maintain a straight face, “‘hair today, gone tomorrow’!”

Sweetie Belle and Button paused briefly before they both broke into a fit of giggles that soon erupted into full blown laughter. “…. heheheheahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Twilight simply let out a pained groaned as Spike blew on his fist and rubbed it against his chest with a satisfied look on his face.

“…HAHAHAHAHehehehehe…” Button managed to get a handle on his laughed. “Hey! I have an idea, why doesn’t Twilight give you a mane with magic!”

“Hey, yeah!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

“Oh, that is a great idea!” Spike exclaimed. He turned towards to Twilight. “Whataya say, Twilight? Can I get a matching cover for my dome to go with this lip action?”

Twilight sighed out in exasperation, “Fine!”

With a purple glow of Twilight’s horn, Spike’s head also began to glow as a big, black pompadour hairdo appeared on top of his head, extending up and past his forehead by several inches.

“Sweet!” Spike said as he lifted his claws to his head and ran them threw his newly created locks of hair.

“Awesome!” Button declared.

“Wow!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “That’s really—”

Sweetie Belle paused a strange noise began to resound through the air, starting softly at first then quickly increasing in volume to something quite obnoxious sounding.

“…BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGSOOOOOOMETHINGSOMETHINGDAAARKSIIIIIIIDE…”

Button Mash placed his forehooves on his signature propeller beanie and tried to pull it down over his ears as a strange sound pierced the air. “AAAAAHHHHH! What the heck is that?!”

Spike, who likewise wore a mustache, covered the fins on the side of his head and cried, “MaAaAaAaAaAaAke it stop!”

Sweetie Belle also covered her ears. “Eeeek! What a hair-raising experience, right guys?”

Despite the horrible sound the seemed to reverberate through the very world itself, Spike and Button Mash soon found themselves in hysterics.

“…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

“STOP MAKING HORRIBLE PUNS!” Twilight cried. “You three have somehow made me wish Dan was here to play pun police!”

“…ZOOOOOIIIIIDDDDDBBBBEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGERBRBRBRBRBRBRBR…!”

“We need to figure out where this sound is coming from! It kind of sounds like...” Twilight trailed off as she tilted her head and perked one of her ears up into the air. “…Pinkie Pie?”

-And finally, at ground zero-

“HOW CAN SHE STILL BE GOING?!” Flynn cried as he pressed his hands against his ears with all the strength he could muster.

“AHHH!” Jennifer cried as she also kept her ears covered. “Can we at least duct tape or mouth shut or something?! This is unbearable!”

Jason held aloft a small notepad as he declared, “I JUST FILLED A NOTEPAD WITH THE WORD ‘PINKIE’ OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND I’M STILL GETTING ANGRIER AND ANGRIER!”

“…SAAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAOOOOOODIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAA…!”

“BE STRONG!” Jean cried. “We have to show Pinkie there’s a better way!”

Jennifer turned her increasingly frustrated-looking face towards Jean. “I’M NOT SURE THERE IS AT THIS POINT!”

“WELL SOMEONE BETTER DO SOMETHING!” Jason cried. “I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS!”

“…OOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAOOOOOODIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAAYOOOOOOOOOOOOODIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYTTTAAAAAAAAAAAADDAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAADDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—OWCH!”

The group looked towards Pinkie as her screaming came to a sudden halt. Dennis stood in front of her and retracted his foot from Pinkie’s shin as he glared up at the pink-haired girl. “SHUT UP!” he cried.

“Owie…” Pinkie muttered as she strained her kicked leg against her bound uncomfortably. “Oh, hello!” she said cheerfully  as she looked down at Dennis. “What’s your name?”

“Who wants to know?!” Dennis cried.

“Dennis!” Flynn chastised. “Don’t be rude to guests.”

Pinkie gasped a large volume of air. “Wait! You’re the Dennis?! Dan has told me so much about you!” Pinkie paused as she considered Flynn’s word’s “… Wait! Guest?! Does that mean I can leave whenever I want?!”

“NO!” the group replied in unison.

Pinkie sighed. “Well, it was worth a shot…”

“Wait,” Dennis said as a smile crossed his face, “you know Dan?”

Pinkie and nodded her head up and down vigorously. “I most certainly do! In multiple contexts of the phrase as well!”

“Uh… what?” Dennis said in a confused tone.

“Oh! Well you see,” Pinkie began, “in a Biblical context, ‘to know’ means…”

Flynn and Jean quickly pulled concerned, almost panicky faces as Flynn rushed up to Dennis and placed his hands over both of the child’s ears.

“Dennis!” Flynn cried. “Uh… Why don’t you give Pinkie Pie some space—”

“Oh! I don’t mind!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Actually, I much rather talk to Dennis than any of you four to be honest… was that too much honesty?”

Jean shook her head. “We want you to be as open with us as you possible can, Pinkie.”

“Oh! Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said happily. “In that case, I think I kinda, sorta dislike, bordering on hate, all four of you. I mean… you all participated in kidnapping me and knocking me out! Who does that?!”

“Hey!” Dennis cried as he swatted the hands away from his ears and turned towards his adopted parents. He began to address them in an accusatory tone, “When I want to knock out and kidnap someone you tell me it’s wrong, but then you two went ahead and did it! So which is it?!”

Flynn and Jean turned to each other with mildly panicky expressions before turning back to Flynn.

Jean kneeled down and placed a hand on Dennis’s shoulder. “Dennis, sometimes people need to stand up for what they believe is right.”

“But I do think it’s right to knock out and kidnap the kids that make fun of me!” Dennis cried.

“Well I uh…” Jean thought about this slightly before turning to Flynn. “Flynn, help me out here.”

Flynn shrugged. “This whole thing was your idea!” he declared. “If you can’t explain it to him, I don’t know what you expect me to do!”

Jean narrowed her eyes at her significant other. “Flynn, you’re not being a very supportive soulmate at the moment.”

“Okay, that’s another thing,” Pinkie continued. “You’re all kinda whiney! I mean… I know Dan and I probably don’t work out our issues in what other people might call… erm”—Pinkie glanced up at the ceiling briefly—“… a ‘sensible’ way, but at least we work them out! You two just keep griping and sniping at each other! I’ve only know the two of you for like, a day, and already it’s gotten old!”

“Hey!” Jean said in protest as she scowled at Pinkie. “This is my house—”

Flynn cleared his throat.

Pinkie and Jean both synchronized eye roles as Jean corrected herself. “—Our house and weeeee won’t be talked to in this fashion.” Jean stared at her husband as she stressed the word ‘we’, making absolutely sure to the point of being obnoxiously clear that she wasn’t leaving him out.

It was Flynn’s turn to roll his eyes. “You didn’t have to make a big deal out of it.”

“Oh, like you already did!” Jean sniped back.

“SEE!” Pinkie cried. “You’re doing it again! It can’t be nice for your kids to watch, either!”

Dennis shrugged. “Eh, I think Kale’s cried himself to sleep a few nights over it, but I don’t really care.”

“Dennis!” Jean cried. She put an index finger up to her lips. “Shhhhhhhh…”

“I thought you wanted him and Pinkie to express themselves,” Flynn said snidely.

Jean sighed. “Are you going to attack me all evening?!”

“Oh for Celestia’s sake!” Pinkie cried. “MaAaAaAaAaAake it stop!”

“She’s right, you know,” Jason said. “You guys do get into your fights an awful lot.”

“Hey!” Jean protested. “This isn’t couple’s therapy!”

Jennifer looked at Pinkie briefly then back up at Jean. “Well… it kind of is. I mean… we did sort of force a meeting to go over couples’ issues."

Flynn sighed and looked down at Dennis. “Hey buddy, maybe you should go back and play with Kale some more.”

“Yeah…” Dennis trailed off. “Kale kinda fell over and started foaming at the mouth a few minutes into that brain-piercing screaming.”

Flynn frowned in concerned. “I better get back there,” he announced to the group. “Come on, buddy,” he said to Dennis. “We should probably make sure Kale doesn’t swallow his own tongue.”

“I dunno…” Dennis replied. “Kale’s pretty uninteresting when he’s unconscious. Here seems more exciting now.”

Flynn shook his head. “Sorry Kale, but Pinkie still needs to work on her relationship issues.”

Pinkie stared at Flynn blankly. “Uh… I think you mean the issues you four have with my relationship.”

Flynn just sighed as he ushered Dennis out of the room and down the hall.

Jennifer watched the two leave then turned back to Pinkie. “Maybe we should get back to your problems with Dan.”

“But… I don’t have any problems with Dan!” Pinkie protested. “Why don’t we talk about someone else’s problems?! I mean… you two are pretty whiney, too! Especially Jason!”

Jason looked at Pinkie as his eyes filled with rage. “Oh that is IT! I am sick to death of hearing you talk! It's time someone shut you up!”

“Eep!” Pinkie cried as Jason began to stomp towards her. She pressed off the floor with her feet and began frantically hopping away with her chair away from the irate man.

Jennifer and Jean quickly ran up and restrained Jason as he fumed and reached out for Pinkie. The two women struggled and strained to hold him as Jason attempted to break free and continue his angry march towards his target.

“Jason! No!” Jean cried. “You can’t attack her! She’s tied up for crying out loud!”

“Then untie her!” Jason cried.

“I like this idea!” Pinkie cried.

Jennifer chimed in, “But then she’ll get away!”

“Awww, shucks!” Pinkie said. “How do they keep figuring me out?!” she wondered out loud.

“Just write her name a bunch more times in your notepad!” Jennifer cried.

“I already told you, I FILLED IT UP WITH HER NAME ALREADY!” Jason yelled.

“Use the BACK of the sheets!” Jean suggested.

“I DID!” Jason cried.

“Geezee-peezee!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Maybe you do have a real anger management issue!”

“RAAAAAAAHGGH!” Jason roared out as he continued to struggle in the grasp of the ladies who held him at bay.

“SEE!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Outside the house and across the street, two people and a cat, all dressed in black sat and waited perched up in a tree.  Though offering little in the way of cover, the tree sported many thick branches that snaked out in a lazy horizontal direction from the trunk before ending in leafy branches, which made climbing and sitting in the tree rather easy.

Dan looked through a pair of binoculars and chuckled to himself. The balcony doors provided an excellent viewpoint from which Dan could see almost everything going on in the living area.

Amber just sighed and shook her head. “You’d think they would have figured out if they have a girl tied to a chair that it would have been a good idea to at least close the blinds.”

“It’s amateur hour, alright,” Dan said.

“Merrow,” Mr. Mumbles chimed in.

Dan nodded. “That’s right Mr. Mumbles, I am smart enough to make sure people can’t look into the apartment when I’m holding someone against their will!”

“Shouldn’t we, you know, storm the house while they’re all distracted?!” Amber asked. “I mean, that’s sort of the whole reason we’re here!”

“In a minute!” Dan said. “I mean, I would but it’s actually really entertaining watching Pinkie wind them all up!”

Amber looked at Dan then back into the house. “Well… I guess I can’t argue with you there…”

“Meow!”

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Chapter 105 Dan Vs. Jason

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Chapter 105 Dan Vs. Jason

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples

Chapter 105 Dan Vs. Jason

-ooooooo-

Dan continued to look through his binoculars as he grinned manically to himself. He chuckled to himself as he watched Pinkie’s would-be brainwashers slowly reach the end of their tethers by virtue of having her in their midst. “I should let people who bug me kidnap Pinkie more often! Whether she knows it or not, she’s an expert at psychological warfare.” Dan turned to Amber. “Which is my favorite kind of warfare after the regular type.” Dan grinned and added, “It’s sort of like watching a clueless Batman at work.”

Amber knitted her brow as she looked back at Dan. “Shouldn’t we be worried about the cops showing up?” She glanced up as she motioned out with a palm. “I mean, the loud screaming, Pinkie tied to a chair where anyone curious enough to look in could see her, a fuming man yelling at her threatening to thrash her. I can’t imagine no one reporting it for very long.”

Dan merely shrugged. “Pinkie’s screaming seems to mess with phones and electronics. You wouldn’t believe how much I had to hit my phone to get it working again after last time.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Riiiiight…” Amber continued, “Still, there’s an angry man in there who looks like he wants to give Pinkie a thrashing. I’m surprised you’re just sitting here watching.”

Dan put down the binoculars and frowned. “Jean and Jennifer seem to be holding him at bay…”

Amber nodded. “Sure they do now, but do you think they can keep him away for the entire night? He’s practically foaming at the mouth!”

“Merrow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed.

Dan sighed, “Alright, alright, alright… I guess it’s pretty risky letting this go on for too long with Jason around. Let’s move out.” Dan handed Amber his binoculars as he stood up straight and poised his body to jump out of the tree.

Amber quickly reached out and grabbed Dan by the arm.

Dan flailed his arm in response, getting Amber to let go of him. “Unhand me, strumpet! I thought you wanted to move out.”

Amber narrowed her eyes and tilted her head slightly. “You can’t jump through a first story window without hurting your leg! Do you really want to jump from this tree?”

Dan paused as he looked down at the ground. “Alright, fine!” he huffed out. “We’ll climb down.”

Amber nodded before she slowly made her way down the tree and onto the ground below. She reached her arms out for Mr. Mumbles who bounded down the tree and leapt onto Amber’s outstretched arms.

Dan slowly shimmied his way down the branch and made his way down the tree as Amber helped him down.

“Stop touching me!” Dan whined out as he reached the ground and flailed about. “I’m slightly injured! I’m not crippled.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Just trying to help.”

“Well you can help by helping me mangle these couples that kidnapped Pinkie Pie,” Dan said as he walked back to his hatchback with a slight limp. Mr. Mumbles bounded alongside him.

“I thoughts that’s why we we’re here,” Amber replied.

Dan paused and turned back in surprise. “Wait, you mean you’re not going to do something stupid like try to talk them out of what they’re doing?!”

Amber narrowed her eyes and pointed to the white lotion on her face. “Heck no! Jean scalded me! I at least want a piece of her before we ask them to hand over Pinkie. Why’d you think I got changed and everything before heading out?!”

“I don’t know!” Dan exclaimed. “I guess I just thought you were trying to get on my good side so I’d take you along and you could try some more of your cheesy anger management lines on everyone!”

“Why would you be happy I wanted to come along then?!” Amber asked.

Dan smirked before he turned and continued walking towards his car. “I figured I could press the right buttons when the time came…”

Amber ran a fingertip over the lotion half of her face briefly and examined it as she followed Dan. “Believe me, those buttons have already been pressed.”

Dan’s smile widened as he unlocked the hatch to his car and opened it.

Amber’s eyes opened wide as she stared inside. “Holy crud Dan! Were you planning to get Pinkie back or lay siege to a castle?!” she exclaimed as she stared into the back of the car which was loaded, almost to the point of overflowing, with a number of cudgels and sharp-looking weapons.

Dan maintained his smile as he shrugged. “Eh, figured I’d start with the rescue and see where the night takes me. SO, wadda you want? Mace, battle-axe,”—Dan’s grin widened as he lifted up a massive, two-handed sword with a wavy blade—“flamberge?”

“Uhh… I think I’ll just stick to the bat, thanks,” Amber said. “I just want to even the odds a little bit, not hack my couples’ therapy members into tiny bits.”

Dan reached in for the aluminum bat and handed it to Amber. “Have it your way.” He pulled out a crossbow for himself and brought it close to his face, stroking it fondly. “This should help with our little gun problem.”

Amber looked at the weapon with concern then looked back at Dan. “You know… maybe we should try being a little more discrete.”

“WHAT?!” Dan protested as he threw his arms out, his right hand still firmly on the crossbow. “A minute ago you wanted us to do something! Now you want to sneak around some more?! Make up your mind will ya!”

“Merrow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed out forcefully.

“You reminded me that this is a potential life-or-death situation here. Especially for us since we could both be shot!” Amber gave Dan a small smile. “Also, I just remembered something that might tip the odds in our favor!”

Dan’s expression softened a bit. “I’m listening…”

“Jason usually gets some fresh air after he has an episode. Once he’s started to calm down he’ll probably come outside for a bit.”

Dan’s eyes widened slightly before an evil smile slowly made its way onto his face like a thief creeping through the shadows. “So we’ll catch him alone… and unawares…”

Amber nodded with a slight smile. “Totally unawares.”

“I like it! “Dan reached into one of his front pockets and pulled out a wadded-up clump of hair. “It also gives me the opportunity to keep a promise.”

Amber looked at the wad Dan had pulled out with a perplexed expression. “What the heck is that for?”

Dan gave a low, wicked-sounding chuckle before answering, “You’ll see…”

-ooo-

Jason sat on the Goodhill’s large, v-shaped, brown couch and struggled to catch his breath as sweat poured down his face in large beads that soaked his dark green collared shirt. Likewise, much of the rest of his shirt was soaked as dark, wet patches formed under his arms. “Huff… puff… Can’t I just rough her up a little?”

“NO!” Jean and Jennifer cried in unison. The two girls also showed signs of having exerted themselves, their clothing also quite wet from their own sweat.

“Jason, you can’t just assault people who make you angry!” Jennifer cried. “Especially if they’re girls that are tied to chairs!”

“Hey!” Pinkie protested. “That’s sexist! You shouldn’t show preferential treatment to people who are being held against their will and tied to furniture based on their gender!” she cried.

The trio turned towards Pinkie with a mixture of different looks: Jason shot her an angry glare, Jennifer gave her an irritated scowl, and Jean looked on Pinkie with a serious, contemplative look.

“She’s right, you know,” Jean said.

“What?!” Jennifer exclaimed. “Oh, come on! She just said it to be irritating!”

“No I didn’t!” Pinkie insisted.

“Can I hit her now?!” Jason asked.

“NO!” the two women replied.

“Look,” Jean began as she turned back towards Jennifer, “regardless of why she did it, she’s right. We shouldn’t discriminate against people under any circumstance.”

Jennifer turned to Jean with an angry expression on her face and threw her arms to her sides. “WE’VE ALL PARTICIPATED IN KIDNAPPING AND ASSAULT! I DON’T THINK WE NEED TO BE PARTICULARLY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW POLITICALLY CORRECT WE’RE BEING WHILE WE DO IT!”

“What?!” Pinkie shrieked. “Don’t tell me I’ve been kidnapped by a bunch of sexists! I mean, if you’re a bunch of bigots, I really don’t want to be held captive by you all!”

Jean quickly waved her palms back and forth in front of her defensively. “We’re not sexist here!” She turned to Jennifer. “Right?”

“Oh my gosh, Jean!” Jennifer exclaimed. “She doesn’t actually have a choice if she’s held captive or not! What does it matter?!”

Jean furrowed her brow. “Just because we’re holding her against her will doesn’t mean we can’t conduct ourselves with a little decorum! She’s certainly not going to listen to us if she doesn’t think she can trust our judgment.”

Pinkie nodded solemnly.

“DECORUM?!” Jennifer cried as she continued to flail her arms about in frustration. “SHE ALREADY SAID SHE PRETTY MUCH HATES US! I DON’T THINK SHE TRUSTS OUR JUDGMENT ANYWAY!”

Pinkie continued to nod in agreement.

“WELL THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE SHOULD JUST COMPLETELY DISREGARD EQUALITY LIKE IT DOESN’T MATTER!” Jean shot back.

Pinkie once again nodded.

Jason let out a long, heavy sigh as he began to speak. “Look, you two can work this out. I think I need some air…” With that, Jason walked towards the hallway that led out of the room. He made his way down the stairs lined with various eastern and far eastern art and soon exited the house out into the warm, Southern California night.

Jason stretched his arms out and took several deep calming breaths as the sounds of the two women arguing continued to drift on the night air from above. He shook his head. “What are we even doing…” he mumbled to himself.

“Hello, Jason,” a feminine voice called out.

Jason jumped and turned to a bush out on the Goodhill’s lawn. “Amber? Is that you?”

“Over here!” Amber called out quietly.

Jason tentatively walked over to the bush. “What are you even doing here?!”

Amber stood up, revealing her face that was half covered in lotion and the fact that she was dressed completely in black. “I’m here to fix a mistake you all made.”

Jason swallowed. “Pinkie?”

Amber nodded. “Pinkie,” she parroted back.

“Well… we meant well enough…” Jason said sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head.

“But…?”  Amber replied.

Jason sighed as he began to speak, “Well… I guess we’re starting to figure out she’s completely out of her mind? And maybe Dan isn’t to blame for all of that?”

Amber nodded. “Yep, that’s about the size of it.”

Jason paused as a contemplative expression crossed his face. “Maybe I should go back up there and try to talk everyone into letting her go, I mean… it’d doesn’t seem like we’re going to convince her of anything at this point.”

Amber smiled warmly. “That seems very sensible of you. I think that’s a good idea.”

A sound not unlike irritated grumbling came out from the bushes.

“What was that?!” Jason cried as panic quickly entered his voice.

“Huh? What was what?” Amber replied in a slightly confused tone.

“Uh…” Jason looked down at the bush and back at Amber. “Hey, how’d you know about Pinkie, any…” Jason trailed off as his eyes suddenly widened. “Oh no…”

A large, wicked grin quickly spread across Amber’s face. “GET HIM, DAN!”

“HAH!” Dan cried as he quickly popped out of the bush and snagged Jason’s shirt. As soon as he had jumped out of the bush, Dan dragged Jason into it and began raining his fists down upon the surprised and worn out man.

Dan dug a knee into Jason’s stomach as he held onto Jason’s shirt with his left hand and pulled his right fist back. “THIS IS FOR KIDNAPPING PINKIE!” he cried as he sent his fist sailing.

 “No! WAI—”

‘Pow!’

“—OOF!” Jason cried as Dan’s fist connected with the side of his face.

Dan pulled his fist back again and prepared to deliver another blow. “AND THIS WAS FOR DRIVING OFF WHEN I WAS HOLDING ONTO THE VAN!” He sent his fist flying again.

‘Bam!’

“OUCH!” Jason cried. “STOP! I WANT TO HELP!”

‘Thud!’

“AAAAH!”

Amber folded her arms and rolled her eyes. “No one cares, Jason. No one.”

“YOU’RE MAKING ME ANGRY!” Jason cried.

‘Smack!’

Dan reached for the wadded-up beard on the ground.

“OW! YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M—MMMPH!”

Dan began stuffing the beard he had ripped off of Jason’s face earlier into Jason’s mouth as Jason continued to struggle vainly against Dan.

“Geez, you’re really bad at this,” Dan commented.

Jason shot Dan a rageful glare as he mustered all his strength and pushed Dan off of him. He pulled back his fist and—

‘CRACK!’

Jason quickly fell back down to the ground as Dan delivered a haymaker into Jason’s jaw.

“Huh…” Amber uttered as she watched Dan. “You’re doing pretty well for a guy almost half Jason’s size…”

“Pinkie and I get into a quite a few fights together…” Dan paused and added, “… in more than one sense.”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed as she sat on the lawn and watched Dan continue to pummel Jason who seemed to be able to put up very little resistance.

‘Pow!’

“MMMPH!”

“Yes, I know,” Amber replied. “I was privy to that information, and a lot more…” she added in a somewhat annoyed tone.

“Oh, whine, whine, whine…” Dan said.

‘Smack!’

“RRMMMPH!”

Dan glanced up at Amber as he reached into one of his pockets and pulled out his car keys. “There’s rope in the back of the car,” he informed right before lobbing the keys at Amber.

Amber quickly unfolded her arms and caught Dan’s keys using both her hands.

“Now make yourself useful and grab it so we can tie this normie up.”

“Fine!” Amber huffed out as she walked off. “You’re welcome…” she grumbled under her breath.

“Oh, and Amber?” Dan called out.

‘Thunk!’

“…Mmmmph…”

“What, Dan!?” Amber shot out in an irritated tone of voice.

“Thank you,” Dan said.

Jason’s cries began to lower in volume as his struggling lowered in force. Things had even quieted down to the point where Mr. Mumbles had walked up to Jason’s face to start playfully batting at a bit of loose fake beard that stuck out of his mouth.

Amber looked back at Dan in mild surprise. “Uh… right… you’re welcome…” she said as she continued her walk to the car.

-ooo-

“JEAN,” Jennifer cried out, “this whole situation is absolutely crazy!”

“Well sure, but that doesn’t mean we need to abandon our guiding morals!”

“NOT ASSAULTING AND KIDNAPPING ISPART OF MY GUIDING MORALS!”  Jennifer shot back.

Unbeknownst to the two quarreling ladies, Dennis casually strolled into the living room and up to Pinkie Pie.

“Oh, hello again!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Dennis placed an index finger up to lips signifying Pinkie to be quiet.

“Are we playing the quiet game?” Pinkie asked. “Because I’m terrible at the quiet game. I pretty much lose—“

“Do you want to be set free or not?” Dennis asked.

“Oh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Set free, please!”

Jean and Jennifer continued arguing, Jennifer was adamant that certain behaviors and ideals be upheld. “Just because we kidnapped Pinkie doesn’t mean we need to turn into a bunch of bigots.”

“That’s not… I’m NOT…UHG!” Jennifer cried as she began to pull at her hair in frustration.

“Why are you helping me?” Pinkie asked as Dennis untied her hands. “I thought you said it was exciting here,” she added as she rubbed her unbound wrists.

Dennis shrugged and moved on to the rope around Pinkie’s legs. “It was but now those two are just screaming at each other.”

Pinkie sighed, “Yeah, tell me about it.”

Dennis smiled. “Plus I thought if I free you maybe I could go with you and hang out with Dan for a while.”

“Oooo!” Pinkie said excitedly as she stood up. “That sounds super-de-duper fun! But first, where’s the bathroom?”

“Uh, down the hall, second door on the right, but we should—”

In a pink flash, Dennis was suddenly talking to open air. “—just leave…”

‘SLAM!’

Dennis stared blankly down the hall before shaking his head.

“Dennis!” Jean called out. “Where’s Pinkie?!”

Dennis scowled up at his adopted mother. “I’ll tell you for five bucks.”

Jean paused before sighing, “I’ll go get my purse…”

“WHAT?!” Jennifer cried. “You let your son charge you for information?”

“Hey!” Jean said in a protesting tone. “It’s bad enough everyone is telling Flynn and I how to be soulmates! I don’t need you to explain how I should raise kids, too!”

“Alright, alright!” Jennifer said as she held her hands up defensively. “Let’s just try and find—”

‘Kowooooossssshhh…’

The two ladies paused as they heard the toilet flush from down the hall.

Jean looked down at Dennis. “Is Pinkie hiding in the bathroom?!”

“I already told you, I’ll tell you if you give me five bucks!”

Jennifer just shook her head as she walked down the hall to the bathroom door and rapped lightly on it.

“Ocupado~!” Pinkie answered sweetly.

Jennifer motioned with her head for Jean to come to the door. The two women waited patiently as the sound of running water from the bathroom sink was heard.

Soon the door opened, revealing a smiling Pinkie Pie. “Alright, all…” Pinkie trailed off as she stared out at the two women who shot her irritated looking scowls. “Ooops…” she said with a nervous smile.

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples Chapter: 106 Pinkie Vs. Bathroom Blitz

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples

Chapter 106 Pinkie Vs. Bathroom Blitz

-ooooooo-

There was a brief moment as Pinkie stared back at the two women in the doorway as they simply stared back at her. All three of the girls considered what they should do next as they stood near the entrance of the narrow bathroom. The bathroom, much like the rest of the house, had a bit of an eastern and far eastern theme to it and sported a tiled teal floor surrounded by wood-grain-colored walls.

“Look,” Jean began, “we have you outnumbered, so—”

‘Pow!’

“OW!” Jean cried as Pinkie retracted her fist. Jean clutched at her nose with both her hands. “You hit me!”

“You kidnapped me!” Pinkie said as she threw her hands up in the air.

“But we’re trying to help!” Jean insisted.

“I don’t know, Jean…” Jennifer said. “Maybe our hearts are in the right place, but I’m starting to think—”

‘Pow!’

“GAH!” Jennifer cried as Pinkie retracted her first once more. Jennifer raised a hand to her nose. “…Never mind let’s tie her back up…”

Jean turned to Jennifer. “I don’t know, maybe there’s a nonviolent way to—“

‘Pow!’

“AAAAAH! Geez! Right in the nose again!” Jean cried as she raised her hands once more. She narrowed her eyes and looked up at Pinkie as she slowly lowered her hands. “Look, we’re trying to be reason—”

‘Pow!’

Jean quickly placed her hands back her nose. “SON OF A… WHY DO YOU KEEP HITTING US!”

“BECAUSE YOU KIDNAPPED ME!” Pinkie shrieked back. “HOW IS THIS HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!”

“WE’RE TRYING TO HELP YOU!” Jean shot back.

“BUT I DON’T NEED OR WANT YOUR HELP!” Pinkie cried.

Jennifer sighed and turned to Jean, “Forget it Jean, let’s just rush her and—”

‘Pow!’

“GAH!”

“You know,” Pinkie began, “I really thought you two would at least try to block or dodge my fists or something!”

“I’m a pacifist,” Jean said.

Jennifer knitted her brow and glanced at Jean as she kept her hands firmly planted on her nose. “I don’t think that means you need to just stand there in take getting hit in the face.”

“Geez, I really thought after kidnapping me you two would put up more of a fight,” Pinkie said. “I mean… now I’m just sort of beating up defenseless girls in someone’s over-potpourri-scented bathroom.”

Jennifer and Jean lowered their hands as they both shot Pinkie indignant looks.

Jennifer began to speak, “Defensele—”

Jean also spoke up, “Over-Potpourri-scen—”

‘POW!’

‘POW!’

“AAAH!” Jennifer cried half out in pain, the other half out in frustration.

“OW!” Jean cried out, mostly in pain.

“What the heck is going on out there?!” Flynn called from down the hall.

Jean quickly put her hands in between her face and Pinkie. “We’re handling it, Flynn!” she called back.

“What?!” Jennifer cried as she also put her hands up. “How do you figure that?”

“Yeah, I’m really confused, too!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I mean, if it’s your plan to have me hit you both in the face until I run out of energy, I have to warn you I have a lot of energy!”

Flynn quickly made his way down the hallway and peeked into the bathroom past the two women. “What the heck is going on here?! How did she get free?!”

Jennifer rolled her eyes. “Ask Dennis.”

Flynn sighed before he called out into the house. “Dennis! Did you untie Pinkie?!”

“I’ll tell you for five dollars!” Dennis yelled back.

Flynn pulled his lips into a tight frown. “I’ll go get my wallet…” he announced before walking off back down the hallway.

“WHAT DOES IT MATTER?!” Jennifer cried out. “SHE’S NOT TIED UP NOW! WE NEED TO SUBDUE HER!”

Flynn walked back up to the ladies. “Alright, fine. What do you suggest we do?”

“Let’s rush her!” Jennifer cried.

Flynn frowned. “But I’m a pacifist!”

“Me too!” Jean chimed in.

“But you put a chloroform-soaked rag up to her face!” Jennifer reminded.

“Well, sure,” Jean replied. “But that’s not the same as attacking her!”

Pinkie scrunched her brow. “Uhhh… it kinda is!”

Jennifer pointed at Pinkie. “See! Even Pinkie thinks it’s—”

‘POW!’

“OW!” Jennifer exclaimed as she put her hands back over her nose. “Why is it always our noses?!”

“Ooo! Good point!” Pinkie exclaimed. She suddenly thrust her fist into Jennifer’s stomach.

“Oof…!” Jennifer uttered as the wind was knocked out of her and she doubled over on herself.

‘THUMP!’

Jean’s lips tightened into a worried frown as she glanced at Pinkie through the gaps in her fingers. “Wait! Can’t we talk this ov—”

‘THUMP!’

A pained sounding “Guuff…!” escaped from Jean’s lips as Pinkie also knocked the wind out of her.

“Hey!” Flynn cried. “No one hits my soulmate and gets away with it!”

Pinkie looked up at Flynn with a blank stare. “But… I already hit her like half a dozen times before that!”

Flynn pushed passed the two ladies and stepped into the bathroom, causing Pinkie to pull back a few steps. “Well, I guess you’ll just have to hit m—”

‘POW!’

“AAAH!” Flynn cried out in pain and alarm as he brought his hands up over his nose.

“HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT COMING?!” Jean cried in a demanding tone. She held her hands out in front of her defensibly as she glared at Pinkie. “Look, I say we all rush her! I don’t think she can take us all in such a confined space.”

Pinkie frowned and backed up further. “Stand back or I’ll… I’ll…” Pinkie frantically searched the room and quickly grabbed a plunger that was sitting next to the toilet and held it in front of her defensively as if she had just picked a sword off the ground. “Don’t make me use this!” she cried.

Flynn paused. “She’s got a plunger!” he said in a worried tone.

“Ra…RIGHT!” Pinkie cried as she brandished her new weapon. “You were fools to just leave such a dangerous item lying about! Fools I say!”

Flynn glanced at his wife.  “What do we do?! We never thought our plumbing devices could be used against us!”

Pinkie glanced from side to side nervously. “Ya…YES! And now you shall pay for your tuberous—“

Jennifer rolled her eyes. “‘Hubris’,” she corrected.

“—Uh…right!” Pinkie said. “You shall pay for your hubris with… uh… erm…” Pinkie trailed off as she searched for a suitable threat to back up her new weapon.“…PAIN!”

“I think we have to risk it!” Jean cried.

“But what if we don’t make it?!” Flynn replied.

Jennifer shot them both an irritated look. “Would you two calm down?! It’s just a plunger!”

Pinkie shot Jennifer a scowl. “YOU’RE just a plunger!”

Jennifer pointed an index finger at Pinkie. “Plus, I don’t think she really knows what she’s doing…” she pointed out.

Pinkie focused an irritated gaze on Jennifer and suddenly plunged her plunger forward directly into the redhead’s face.

“Mmmph! Mmmmmph!” Jennifer cried as she reached for the handle to the plunger and tried to pull it off of her.

“Hah! Gotcha!” Pinkie cried.

“She’s unarmed!” Jean cried.

“Eeep!” Pinkie exclaimed as she withdrew further into the bathroom. She looked around her surroundings and focused her eyes on something on the light-brown-colored bathtub. “Ah-ha!” she cried as she bent down and quickly came back up with a bar of soap. “Keep back or I’ll—WHOA…” The bar of soap quickly slipped up and out of Pinkie’s hand. She scrambled to catch it, flailing her hands about as the slippery item fell to the ground below. “…I did not think any of this through…” Pinkie mused to herself.

Jean and Flynn slowly entered the bathroom, closing in on Pinkie.

“Now just calm down,” Jean said as she raised her palms in front of her. “We don’t want to hurt you.”

Jennifer continued to attempt pulling the plunger of her face.”MMMRRPH!” She dug a set of fingers underneath the rubber suction cup and pried it off her face with a ‘POP!’ revealing a large, red ring around her face. “Speak for yourself!” she cried as she reached into the plunger and fished out her glasses.

Pinkie raised her fists up in front of her face as she took a couple more steps back. “You knoooow~… I took out three armed kids just the other day… I’m pretty sure I can fight my way out of a bathroom against three adults who don’t really know how to fight.”

“ULG!” Jennifer cried in frustration. “JUST RUSH HER ALREADY.”

Flynn glanced back briefly as he continued slowly approaching Pinkie alongside Jean. “Jennifer, I’m sure there’s a peaceful solution here if we just stop and think a—Whoa, whoa, WHOA!” Flynn cried as he stepped on the soap Pinkie had dropped on the floor. Without warning he lost his balance and fell forward into the bathroom.

Pinkie’s eye went wide. “Hey, wait! STOP!” She cried as Flynn unintentionally lunged forward.

Before she could think to defend herself, the crown of Flynn’s head collided with Pinkie’s forehead with a solid sounding ‘THUNK!’ before he fell on top of her. Both quickly ended up on the bathroom floor in a heap.

Jean and Jennifer quickly exchanged glances before cautiously stepping forward. They leaned down to look at Pinkie who laid face up with a dizzy, glazed over expression on her face as Flynn remained draped over her.

“You think it’s safe to grab her?” Jennifer asked.

Pinkie suddenly looked up, her eyes focusing on a random bit of the ceiling. “CYBERTRON AND ALL ITS MOONS BELONG TO ME!” she cried.

Jean nodded. “I’m guessing she’s still a bit dazed and—”

‘POW!’

“OW!” Jean cried as she reached her hands up to her nose again.

From her spot on the ground, Pinkie looked up and snickered.

“Flynn?” Jennifer said.

Flynn moaned a response, “UuUuUuUuHhhh…?”

“Keep her pinned down.”

“Uh…” Flynn muttered.

Jean and Jennifer quickly exchanged a determined glance and nodded.

Pinkie looked between the two women and frowned. “No wai— AH!” she cried as the two women descended upon her. “STOP! OUCH! THIS IS NOT HELPING ME TRUST ANY OF YOU!” she shouted as both women preceded to restrain her. “THIS IS NOT HELPING ME TRUST ANY OF YOU!”

-ooo-

Pinkie glared out as she sat in a now familiar chair, a chair she once again found herself tied to.

“Well… what do we do with her?” Flynn asked the other two ladies in the room.

Pinkie blew a gust of air at the tuft of hair the hung in front of her face and looked on sullenly at her kidnappers. “I have some ideas,” she said grumpily.

Jennifer scowled over in Pinkie’s direction. “No one’s asking you!”

Pinkie sighed, “I thought as much…”

“I’m sure we can reach her somehow!” Jean declared.

Jennifer sighed and shook her head as she began to speak, “Somehow I knew you’d say that…”

“Hey!” Jean said. “We all agreed that we would help her!”

Flynn sighed.

Jean looked at her soulmate with a frown. “What is it, now?”

“Well, it’s just… I guess I was never fully convinced this was a good idea,” Flynn replied.

“What?” Jean cried in surprise. “You really thought it was best to just leave her with that maniac?!”

“Well, no…” Flynn said trailing off as he searched for a response. “Though, kidnapping and holding her never really seemed like a great way to go about things! I mean… it’s a pretty forceful method to get her to listen to us.”

Jennifer scrunched her lips to the side of her mouth. “He’s got a point… I mean… I know we discussed it as a final resort, but our final resort was sure resorted to in a hurry.”

“She didn’t give us any choice!” Jean cried out.

Jennifer and Flynn turned and looked at each other then back to Jean.

“I’m not sure I can agree with that,” Flynn said.

Jennifer nodded. “Yeah, you pretty much blew the alarm as soon as she got suspicious!”

“But… but… She’s a troubled soul who needs our help!” Jean cried.

Flynn looked back at his wife. “She’s a troubled soul who doesn’t want our help!”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “It’s true!”

“NO ONE FRIGGIN’ ASKED YOU!” Jennifer shot back.

Pinkie let out a soft whimper in reply.

“Jennifer!” Jean cried in a shocked tone.

“WHAT?!” Jennifer cried.

“She’s not going to trust us if we keep snapping at her!” Jean said.

Jennifer narrowed her eyes. “So far we’ve kidnapped her, tied her up, and ended up restraining and wrestling her back into her chair so we could tie her up again!” she said. “I don’t think she’s ever going to trust us.”

Pinkie opened her mouth to speak.

Jennifer turned and shot her a glare.

Pinkie frowned and closed her mouth.

Jennifer turned back towards Jean and returned to the heated discussion.

Pinkie sighed to herself as she looked up at the ceiling as the argument raged on next to her. Geez, it’s bad enough they’re keeping me tied to this chair, but do they have to keep on yelling at each other right next to me?! She glanced at the balcony doors as the trio continued the debate regarding what to do with her. Well… if I can’t escape, maybe I can at least get some fresh air! This whole place smells like they burn sandalwood to keep warm!

Slowly and quietly, Pinkie pushed off the ground with her feet and scooted the chair and herself closer and closer to the balcony doors. As soon as she reached them, she glanced over at her captors. The three of them were all deep in a heated argument with each other and hadn’t taken noticed of her shift in position. She turned back to the doors and leaned her head down and hooked one of the knobs with the lock of hair that hung in front of her head. Her hair seemed to shift on it’s own accord, turning the knob and opening the door. She pushed her way outside and scooted towards the edge of the balcony.

Pinkie sighed as she stared up at the night sky. “Oh Dan, Dan!” she cried. “Wherefore art thou, Dan?”

"Wait... Are you lamenting that I'm me?!" a familiar nasally voice called out.

Pinkie’s face lit up. “DAN!” she cried excitedly. "Why would I be sad that you're you?! I love you!"

“First off, keep your voice down!” Dan cried from below. "Second of all, 'wherefore' means 'why'."

“Whoops… sorry and sorry again…” Pinkie said with a sheepish grin.

Dan sighed. "Remind me to give you a crash course in early modern English." Dan stood up out of the bushes. “How you holding up, Goofball?”

Pinkie frowned. “Oh Dan! It’s terribad, here! Everyone thinks you’re keeping me trapped in some sort of crazy, violent relationship!”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried. “That’s insane! You’re not trapped at all!”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “I know, right?! They don’t seem to get that I really like our crazy, violent relationship!”

There was a soft sigh from the bushes as a feminine voice began to speak. “You know you two don’t have to have a relationship with all the craziness and violence, right?”

Dan and Pinkie both knitted their brows and looked at each other.

Dan turned towards the bushes next to him and folded his arms. “I honestly don’t think we can.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yeah, magic talking bush! I mean… if you take away the crazy and the violence we just have… uh…”

“A normal, healthy relationship?” the voice suggested.

“Bluh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Yeah! That! Why would we want that?”

Dan smiled down at the bush next to him and motioned up at Pinkie.

“Merrow!” a cat called out.

“MMMPH!” a muffled voice added.

Pinkie looked down with a quizzical expression. “Why do Jean and Flynn have a magic talking bush, anyway?”

Dan looked back up at Pinkie. “Oh, that was Jason!” he announced with a giant grin. “When he came outside I got the jump on him and made him eat that fake beard of his!”

Pinkie knitted her brow. “That didn’t sound like Jason, it sounded like a girl!”

“Oh!” Dan bent down and stood back up holding Mr. Mumbles. “It’s Mr. Mumbles!”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed happily.

Dan smiled. “Isn’t she adorable in her tiny breaking and entering getup?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “She sure is! But since when does she speak English?”

Amber stood up.

“Oh! Hiya, Amber!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Do you know about the magic talking bush?”

Amber rolled her eyes. “I am the magic talking bush.”

Pinkie inhaled a large volume of air. “You can transform into a talking bush?! That’s amazing!”

“No I…” Amber smacked a palm against her face. “We’re here to rescue you…” She paused and quickly glanced to her side. “Well, Dan’s here to rescue you. I’m mostly here to beat up Jean.”

Pinkie nodded. “A noble goal. What happened to your face? Are you like… some sort of weird combination of the Joker and Two-Face?”

“That’s what I said!” Dan cried.

Amber rolled her eyes. “No! This is just so I don’t end up with a scar after Jean scalded me with hot tea!”

Pinkie nodded. “Okay, but you’re missing out on becoming a supervillain~!” she sang out.

Dan smiled. “I know, right?!”

“Not that she needs it,” Pinkie added. “I mean… she can already turn into a bush… I mean… I haven’t quite figured out how useful that is, but I’m sure there’s some possible use for it…”

Amber sighed and shook her head as she began to speak, “You two were made for each other…”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… Gee, thanks!”

“Yeah, thanks!” Dan said.

“Meow!”

“But I wasn’t…” Amber sighed, “…Nevermind!” She crossed her arms. “Look, while we’re all out here we should figure out another plan to thin the herd a little.”

Pinkie stared down at Amber in confusion. “… The herd of what?”

Amber raised an eyebrow and turned towards Dan. “How do you work with this?” she asked as she motioned out to Pinkie.

Dan shrugged. “I find Pinkie’s not so much a ‘work with’ as a ‘point in the right direction and hope for the best or worst, depending on what we’re hoping to achieve' kind of person.”

“WHAT THE HECK IS SHE DOING OUTSIDE?!” Jennifer cried from inside the house.

Pinkie, Dan, and Amber all flinched as Dan and Amber quickly went back to hiding in the bushes.

“Pinkie,” Dan called out, “see if you can get another one of them to come outside!”

“Okay!” Pinkie called back.

“MMMP--!”

There was a quick rustling in the bushes quickly followed by a soft ‘Thump!’

“—OOFF!” Jason cried, his voice still muffled.

“Quiet, you!” Dan said.

Jennifer suddenly trudged out onto the balcony, grabbed the back of Pinkie’s chair, and dragged her back inside. Flynn and Jean looked out at Pinkie in concern.

“Who were you talking to?” Jennifer said in a suspicious tone.

“Uh… Jason!” Pinkie said quickly.

The expressions on the trio of kidnappers suddenly softened from concern to relief.

Jennifer sighed before she began to speak, “Geez, he must have been really angry if he’s still out there. I wonder what he’s doing.”

“Uh…weeping!” Pinkie said as she grinned nervously.

Jennifer looked at her with a frown. “Again?! Uhg, I hate it when he gets like this! I better go out and talk to him…”

“Oh, let me,” Flynn said. “Maybe I can talk to him man to man.”

Jennifer flashed Flynn a quick smile. “Would you?”

Flynn nodded. “Sure! No problem! I’m still feeling a bit dizzy from hitting my head, anyways… I can use the air,” he said as he turned and made his way down the hallway.

Jean turned to Pinkie. “So, you actually held a conversation with Jason out there?”

“Uh… sure!” Pinkie said. Pinkie began to feel uncomfortably warm as Jean and Jennifer watched her. Beads of sweat started to form on her forehead as she desperately figured out something else to say. “He uh… really opened up to me!” she said.

“Huh…” Jennifer uttered. “I’m surprised he’d even talk to you after you riled him up the way you did.”

“Oh yeah! Totally!” Pinkie said quickly. “He’s was like… a completely different person out there!”

“Really?” Jennifer said in an interested tone.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Yep! You might even say Dan attacked him and forced him to eat a fake beard!”

“WHAT?!” the two women cried in surprise as they stared down at Pinkie.

“Uh… I meant that he’s probably bound and gagged and lying in the bushes right now.” Pinkie frowned. “…Wow, I sure am bad at this…”

“HA!” a cry came from outside.

Jean and Jennifer glanced towards the balcony door with shocked, alarmed expressions as the sounds of a struggle wafted out from the front lawn.

“HUH—AAAAH!”

‘THUMP!’

“OW!”

‘CRACK!’

Jean and Jennifer winced as the sounds of a struggle quickly changed to a one-sided beat down.

“AHHH!” Flynn cried. “Not in the face! NOT IN THE FACE!”

‘SMACK!’

“GHA! WHY WOULD YOU HIT ME RIGHT IN THE FACE AFTER I BEGGED YOU NOT TO?!”

“BECAUSE I’M RUDE!” Dan’s voice declared.

Jean and Jennifer’s expressions turned rageful as they looked down at Pinkie.

“What?!” Pinkie said in a protesting tone. “I’m sure he’s fine…”

‘WHACK!’

“OW! SOMEONE HELP!” Flynn cried out. “I’M NOT FINE! I’M NOT FINE AT ALL!”

“Oops…” Pinkie said as she looked up at Jean and Jennifer sheepishly.

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Chapter 107 Dan Vs. Showdown

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Chapter 107 Dan Vs. Showdown

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples

Chapter 107 Dan Vs. Showdown

-ooooooo-

“What do we do?!” Jean cried in a panicked tone.

Jennifer furrowed her brow at the panicky hippy. “Uh, call me crazy—”

“You’re crazy!” Pinkie chimed in.

Jennifer shot a glare at Pinkie and continued, “—but I think we hold Pinkie hostage.”

“WHAT?!” Jean cried. “We can’t do that!”

“No really,” Pinkie continued. “You are actually out of your mind! And that’s coming from me!”

Jennifer turned and focused red hot eyes of pure, unadulterated hate at Pinkie. “JUST SHUT UP! OH MY GOD! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES?!”

Pinkie paused and thought about this. “Uh… talking is sorta my thing… I mean… one of my things…” She smiled. “I have many things, you see…”

Jennifer gripped at her hair in frustration. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”

Pinkie put on a thoughtful expression. “Hmmmm… nah,” she said with a shrug.

“Uh, Je-Jennifer?” Jean said as she tried to force calm into her voice despite it shaking. “I think you may need to calm down just a little…”

Jennifer glared at Jean. “And I think you need to get ANGRY here! Your husband just got beaten up for crying out loud!”

Jean frowned. “Well at least this just further proves what a violent man Dan is.”

“Oh, like we needed any more proof!” Jennifer cried as she threw her arms out to her sides.

“Yeah!” Pinkie chimed in. “I mean… I could have told you that!” She glanced up towards her eyebrows as she scrunched her brow. “In fact, I probably did…”

“Look,” Jennifer began, “I say we go out there, take out Dan and get our husbands back in here.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “‘Take out Dan’? No offense, but after our little bathroom skirmish I can tell you that even both of you probably couldn’t take out Dan… especially if he’s out for blood. And believe me, he’s out for blood! Not to mention Amber’s ticked off, too!”

Jean and Jennifer turned towards each other then back to towards Pinkie.

“Amber is out there?!” Jean exclaimed.

Pinkie pursed her lips. “Geezy-cheesy am I not good at keeping these things on the down-low…” She sighed before she continued, “Yes, Amber’s peeved that she was scalded with hot tea and wants to beat up Jean.”

Jean stared out into space with a worried expression. “Oh well… maybe we can reason with her,” she uttered out quietly to no one in particular.

Jennifer shot Jean an unamused expression. “Seriously? In all likelihood she’s helped Dan beat up both our husbands and you think you can somehow talk this out with her?”

“Uh, to be honest I really don’t know what to do anymore,” Jean admitted. “I didn’t think it’d be easy to break Pinkie of the hold Dan has on her, but I didn’t think he’d track us down and start picking us off one by one!”

Pinkie scowled at Jean. “Dan doesn’t have ‘a hold’ on me. He’s my boyfriend and I love him! And he sure the heck treats me better than any of you four!”

Jean sighed and shook her head. “Look, this is starting to seem like a lost cause at this point.”

“Starting?! Are you loco in the coco or what?!” Pinkie cried in an exasperated tone.

Jean turned towards Jennifer. “So… what?” she said in an annoyed tone. “Our husbands get beat up and you just want to give up?”

“Well, I never meant for things to get like this!” Jean exclaimed as she threw her hands to her sides.

“You were the one ready with a bottle of chloroform when we first picked up Pinkie!” Jennifer pointed out.

“I thought we might need an edge to get her away from Dan! That’s it!” Jean threw up her hands. “I’m a pacifist for crying out loud!”

Jennifer let out a frustrated “Uhg!” She scowled at Jean. “Fine! If you’re out then I’ll handle this myself.”

“Oooo! Oooo! Good idea!” Pinkie exclaimed as she smiled a little too wide. “I bet you can go out there and totally, absolutely, assuredly not get beaten up by Dan!” She turned towards Jean. “How was that?”

“Uh… You laid it on a little too thick,” Jean informed.

Pinkie scrunched up her eyebrows. “Rats!” she exclaimed.

Jennifer turned and scowled at Pinkie. “Oh, I’m not going out there to fist fight him.” She reached behind her back, lifted her pink shirt slightly, and pulled out a small boxy pistol that had been sitting in her waist band.

Jean's eyes went wide as she stared at the pistol in Jennifer’s hands. “Uh… Jennifer? Why’d you bring your gun?”

Jennifer rolled her eyes. “Because I thought things might have gotten out of hand since we were kidnapping someone! Turns out I was right!”

The color drained from Pinkie’s face. “Erm… If anyone was still wondering if there was a point where I would be completely unable to trust you, I can tell you that there was and that Jennifer just crossed it and is going around for a victory lap…”

Jennifer flashed Pinkie a somewhat crazed look with a smile to match. “Guess what?! No one cares!”

“…I care,” Jean said.

“Shut up, Jean!” Jennifer snapped back

“Jennifer!” Jean said in a pleading tone. “You can’t just shoot Dan!”

“He savagely attacked my husband!” Jennifer cried.

Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “Uh… Only because Jason helped kidnap me! And I mean… He’s just bound and gagged and laying out behind a bush! It’s not like Dan shot him!”

Jean looked down at Pinkie then back up at Jennifer. “Jennifer, I’m sorry, but I have to agree with Pinkie. It’s perfectly normal to feel angry over what happened to your husband, but I think you’re taking this a little bit too far.”

“Hey! You started this! If you don’t have the stones to finish it, I guess I will!” Jennifer cried.

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “And the award for most cliché thing said this evening goes to…”

Jennifer tilted her head slightly as she stared wide eyed at Pinkie. She neither smiled nor frowned but simply stared at Pinkie as she slowly rose her weapon and pointed it at her. “I’m really sick of listening to the sound of your voice.”

“…Eeep!” Pinkie said quietly as her sky-blue eyes focused on the item pointed at her.

Jean looked back and forth between Jennifer and Pinkie and quickly lunged forward.

‘CLACK!’

-ooo-

Still hiding behind the bushes, Dan quickly lowered his binoculars. “Aaaand she just pointed a gun at Pinkie. Let’s go.”

Dan reached down and picked his crossbow up off the lawn before he broke into a sprint and rushed towards the house entrance as Amber and Mr. Mumbles quickly followed him. Without even slowing Dan shifted his body and threw his shoulder into the front door.

‘THUD!’

The door held fast and Dan pulled back and quickly threw his body into the door once more.

‘THUD!’

“Uh, Dan?” Amber said. “Since time is of the essence, why don’t we try a window instead of—”

‘THUD!’

Amber sighed, “—the front door…”

“Merrow!” Mr. Mumbles cried in concern.

‘CLACK!’

The trio all paused briefly at the sound of a gun firing from inside the house.

Amber’s eyes went wide.

Mr. Mumbles let out a small, concerned sounding “Mew.”

Dan stared at the door with an expression filled to the brim with seething rage. Two things were very clear to Dan. He needed to get back to Pinkie, and this door was in his way. The latter seemed easier to the deal with at the moment.  Dan pulled his fist back.

“Dan!” Amber cried. “That’s not going to…” She paused as she stared at Dan’s fist. Is his fist glowing… red?

With an angry cry, Dan let his fist fly. “RRRRRAAAAAGH!”

‘KATHUD!’

The lock and hinges on the door quickly gave way as Dan’s punch sent the door towards the ground.

Amber stared at the fallen door in shock. “Ha… how did you do that?”

“Punched really hard!” Dan replied. “Come on!”

Dan, Amber, and Mr. Mumbles quickly made their way through the first story of the house, towards the stairs, and up into the second floor. Dan sprinted down the hall, crossbow at the ready. He couldn’t help but utter a sigh of relief at the scene in front of him.

Jean and Jennifer struggled over the gun as Pinkie stared at them with a slightly glazed-over expression.

“Pinkie!” Dan exclaimed. “You’re alright.”

Pinkie turned towards Dan as water began to well up in her eyes. “I wanna go hoooome!” she wailed as tears began to stream down her cheeks.

“Don’t worry,” Dan said. “I’ll get you out of here.”

“Phew…” Amber said as she walked into the living room. “Everyone’s still alive.” Mr. Mumbles bounded in after her.

Dan pointed his crossbow at Jennifer. “Don’t worry, I’ll fix that!”

Jean and Jennifer paused and stared at Dan.

“Wait!” Amber cried as she stepped in between Dan and his target. She looked at Dan. “Let’s not let this get any wor—“

Jennifer quickly pushed the distracted Jean away from her and leveled her gun once more.

‘Thump!’

“Look out, Amber!” Jean cried from the floor.

Amber frowned. “There’s a gun pointed at me right now, isn’t there?”

“Oh, there so totally is!” Pinkie said.

“Way to go, Amber!” Dan cried angrily.

Amber sighed. “I’m just going to go and start hitting Jean now…”

Dan nodded. “You do that.”

Amber stepped aside allowing Dan and Jennifer a clear shot at each other. The two silently stared down the sights on their weapons as they kept their fingers firmly on the triggers.

Pinkie’s gaze slowly drifted between the two armed individuals. She felt her heart tighten in her chest as she stared at the pistol pointed directly at her boyfriend. She began to bite down on her lower lip, causing the skin under her teeth to go white from the pressure.

“Were you really just going to shoot me?” Jennifer asked.

“You pointed a gun at my girlfriend, so the thought had occurred, yeah,” Dan replied.

Jennifer paused. “… Yeah, okay, I can see that…”

“How’s this,” Dan said. “You’re mad I beat up your husband. I’m crazy ticked off you helped kidnap my girlfriend and pointed a gun at her—”

“Wait!” Jennifer cried. “How come I’m just ‘angry’ and you’re ‘crazy ticked off’?”

“You could have killed Pinkie!” Dan exclaimed.

“Well uh… you… er… kinda locked us in…” Jennifer trailed off. “Alright, carry on…”

“As I was saying,” Dan continued. “How about I put down my crossbow, you put down your gun, and we’ll try to thrash each other like civilized people?

“Hmmm…” Jennifer hummed ponderously as she considered this.

Pinkie continued to silently watch the scene in front of her with wide, fearful eyes, completely oblivious to the fact that her lip had started to bleed.

Jean looked up in surprise as Amber bent down and offered her a hand. She reached out and grabbed it and Amber helped her too her feet. “I thought you wanted to start hitting me?”

Amber nodded. “That’s the plan.”

“Then why help me up?”

“Well, I’m not going to just start beating you while you’re lying on the floor!” Amber cried. “I mean… not yet anyhow.” Amber slowly raised her fists up in front of her face.

Jean reached up and pulled of her glasses, she gently set them down on the couch next to her. She closed her eyes and held her arms out wide. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Amber’s eyes widened as she lowered her fists slightly. “You’re just going to let me hit you?!”

Jean nodded. “Yes, my violent acts have brought nothing but misery today. I can’t in good conscience resort to more violent acts that could cause any more damage.”

“Well that’s no fun!” Amber declared. She sighed as she let her arms go slack and her fists fall down to her sides. “Guess I can’t just hit someone if they’re not going to fight back…”

Jean opened her eyes and smiled. “See, Amber! I knew I could remind you that a peaceful solution is always the best path.” Jean chuckled. “Only barbarians ever resort to petty vengeance.”

‘POW!’

“OW!” Jean cried as she reached her hands up to her nose.

“Sorry,” Amber said, “but you just reminded me that Iloath you.”

Jean looked at Amber with a fearful expression as Amber pulled her fist back again.

“I’m just going to beat you senseless now,” Amber said with a wild, joyful look on her face.

Jennifer continued to stare down the length of her arms, past the gun in her hand, and at the target in front of her. Her stance almost mirrored that of the man just a few feet away, save that Dan was holding a loaded crossbow.

“Just one question,” Jennifer said.

Dan sighed, “What is it?”

“How’d you get inside?”

“I punched the door down,” Dan informed.

Jennifer frowned. “Uh… wow…. I don’t think I’m putting my gun down.”

Dan knitted his brow. “Super…” he uttered.

Pinkie whimpered.

Mr. Mumbles uttered a concerned sounding “Mew.”

“Uh, Goofball?” Dan began. “I could use your help here. Last time I checked I wasn’t bulletproof.”

“Ka… Kinda tied to a chair here, Dan…” Pinkie stammered out in a fearful tone.

“Have you tried not being tied to a chair?” Dan asked.

Pinkie furrowed her brow. “You make it sound like I could have slipped out whenever I wanted!” she cried. Pinkie threw up her hands in frustration. “I mean! It’s not like I’ve just been sitting here because I forgot I could wiggle myself out of almost… any…” Pinkie trailed off as she noticed her hands were now free.

Dan chuckled.

Jennifer narrowed her eyes. “And what, pray tell, is so funny?”

“The girl standing behind you,” Dan replied. “She’s the funniest person I know.”

Jennifer’s eyes closed to narrow slits. “You really think I’m dumb enough to look behind me?”

Dan shrugged and lowered his crossbow. “You’re dumb enough to point a rubber chicken at someone holding a loaded crossbow.”

“What? That doesn’t…” Jennifer trailed off as she realized her gun suddenly felt limp and rubbery. She glanced down at her hands and determined she was, in fact, now holding a rubber chicken. Jennifer’s face went pale as is she heard a low, angry growl from behind her.

Jennifer slowly turned her body as a pensive expression gripped her features and held on tight. She ended up facing exactly what she expected, however her prediction being correct did not make her feel any better.

Pinkie’s had closed her eyes into narrow slits and was currently focusing her plasma hot gaze at Jennifer. “Grrrrrr… No one points a gun at myboyfriend…”

Jennifer swallowed.

-ooo-

In the front lawn of the house, the two men who had an unexpected run in with Dan squirmed against their ropes as they attempted to free themselves.

Jason attempted to cry out through the fake beard that had been shoved in his mouth. “Mmmph! MMMMM!”

Flynn squinted as he tried to focus on his surroundings without his glasses. “Eeeeeehhhh…” he moaned. “Ha… hang in there, Jason…” He rolled his body closer to Jason and positioned himself back-to-back with the other man. “I think I can reach your ropes…”

Flynn strained against his bounds as he reached his fingers out towards the rope around Jason’s wrist. He began tugging and pulling at the ropes to the best of his ability.

“MMMMMMPGH!”

“Sorry!” Flynn exclaimed. “But it’s not like I’ve ever done this before!”

“Perhaps I can be of assistance,” a masculine voice called out.

The two battered and bruised men looked up in surprise as a man who was the spitting image of Dan approached. Though the better kempt hair, less casual attire of a button up shirt and tie, voice, and blue eye color made it clear the two were dealing with someone who wasn’t the angry misanthrope.

The Dan look-alike leaned down and quickly undid the bounds around the men’s hands, allowing them to sit up.

Jason pulled the fake beard from his mouth as Flynn untied the rope from around his leg.

“Who are you?” Flynn asked.

The man chuckled. “Just an associate of the two you ran afoul of.” He smiled as he continued to speak, “Piece of advice, don’t tangle with Dan unless you have a really good plan of what to do when he shows up. He’s far more resourceful than he looks.”

“I have a plan,” Jason said as he rose to his feet. “It mostly involves kicking his skull in.”

The man nodded. “A noble goal,” he said with a smile.

Flynn glanced at Jason then turned back to the mystery man. “Why are you here?”

“Hmmm, well it seems I’ve developed a nose for those two,” he said as he punctuated his sentence with a chuckle as if he was in on a joke the other two men present weren’t. He waved his hand dismissively and returned to smiling. “Anyhow, I have something for Dan. A gift.” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a plastic fork and a plastic knife and handed the items to Flynn. “You see, he set me free.”

“Uh… right…” Flynn said as he grabbed the items.

Jason winced and rubbed the back of his head. “Look, thanks for the help, but we need to go and pummel the two up there.”

Flynn turned to Jason. “Uh… and probably save our wives?” he reminded he caught sight of his glasses and walked over to them.

Jason glanced at Flynn as he bent down to pick up his glasses. “Yeah, that too…” He turned back to where the other man was standing. “So if…uh...” Jason trailed off as noticed he was now talking to open air. “Where did…”

Flynn donned his glasses and scanned their surroundings. “He’s gone…”

Jason shook his head. “Well, whatever… I need to either write some names down or kick some ass, and I’m all out of space on my notepad.”

-ooo-

“Meow?” Mr. Mumbles mewed as the sounds of violence, pained cries, and angry grunts rang out.

Dan nodded as he stood in the, now rather disorderly, living room and stroked Mr. Mumbles. “You’re right Mr. Mumbles, there is a lot of anger being worked out in here.”

“Hey, Dan.”

Dan looked down and grinned wide as he noticed a small boy standing in the hallway. “Hey Dennis!” Dan said excitedly. “How’s it going?!”

Dennis walked into the room and glanced at the two sets of women engaged in a brutal struggle, or more accurately, a set of women engaged in a pretty lopsided smack down, and another set on the receiving end of that smack down.  He smiled. “Recently? Pretty good!”

Dan nodded. “Well that’s good to hear! Hey, do you want to head out a get a bite to eat? Maybe belittle some hapless food workers for making life choices that force them to work at such late hours?”

Dennis’s face lit up. “DO I?!”

Pinkie paused mid-punch to look up at Dan. “Dan, Ninja Dave stays up all the time and you don’t make fun of him!”

Dan frowned. “Yeah, but he’s a ninja… I mean being up when it’s dark is sort of his thing…” Dan reasoned.

Pinkie let her fist fly.

‘POW!’

“AHHHH!” Jennifer cried as she continued to struggle vainly as Pinkie continued to straddle her.

“Hmmm…” Pinkie hummed. “Well, how do you know the people who work late at restaurants aren’t ninjas?” she posed.

Dan balled his hands into fists and put them on his hips as he furrowed his brow at Pinkie. “Now that just seems unlikely!”

Pinkie grinned. “I bet that’s just what those ninja, late-night food workers want you to think!”

Dan’s expression softened as his eyes widened. “Huh, that’s actually a pretty good point.” Dan smiled. “Oh well! I’m sure we can find something else to make fun of!”

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!”

Amber ceased her pummeling and looked towards the living room entrance along with Pinkie, Dan, and Dennis. Flynn and Jason stood in the doorway and looked into the room.

Jason focused rageful eyes over Dan then let his gaze drift over towards Pinkie.

Flynn merely focused his attention on trying to keep upright as he held his forehead with one of his hands.

Dan motioned to the pair. “We can make fun of these two clowns who’ve already been beaten up tonight and have apparently come back for more!”

Dennis shrugged and smiled. “Works for me!” He turned towards Jason. “You’re overweight and your hair is curly and stupid!”

“WHAT?!” Jason cried. “Your hair is curly, too!”

“Yeah, but it’s curly and awesome!” Dennis shot back.

Jason glared out angrily at the small child.

Flynn shot Jason an irritated glance. “Please don’t get into an insult war with my child.”

“He started it!” Jason cried as he motioned out to Dennis.

“Alright, timeout,” Amber declared as she rose to her feet. “How’d you two get out of your ropes, anyhow?”

“Uuuuuuh…” Jean uttered from the ground, her arms and legs splayed out in all directions as she looked up at the ceiling with a glazed-over expression.

His hand shaking slightly, Flynn held out the plastic kitchenware for Dan. “A man came by and untied us. He gave you these…”

Dan shifted Mr. Mumbles so he was holding her in one arm and grabbed the kitchenware and looked at it thoughtfully.

“He said you set him free,” Flynn added.

Dan looked up at Flynn, then down at the plastic fork and knife in his hands. He shrugged and threw the two items over his shoulder. “Huh, weird.”

“Oh, who cares about that?!” Jason cried. “You two are going to pay!” he declared as he stared out at Dan and Pinkie.

Pinkie furrowed her brow as she stood up and walked away from Jennifer.

Flynn simply rolled his eyes and walked over towards his wife.

Jennifer tried to dizzily stand up, but her limbs gave out almost immediately and she fell back to the floor with a ‘Wathump!’

Pinkie glared at Jason and threw her arms out to her sides. “Oh-my-GOSH! You freakin’ kidnapped me! Your wife pointed a gun at meand Dan! And you’re angry because we responded by roughing the two of you up?! And people think DAN has anger issues.”

Dan chuckled. “You tell ‘em, Goofball.”

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed.

Jason just shook his head. “I don’t care what happened to you two! All I know is both of you made me incredibly angry and you’re both going to suffer!” He focused attention on Dan. “Now put down that cat and let’s go for round two.”

Dan shrugged. “Suits me.” With that, Dan quickly lobbed Mr. Mumbles at his would-be attacker.

“MEEEERRRRRROW!” Mr. Mumbles cried as she flew through the air.

“AAAAAAAHHHH—MMMPH!” Jason cried as the cat landed on his face.

Mr. Mumbles scrambled over Jason’s head in a panic and leapt to the floor as the man fell towards the ground.

‘THUD!’

“Merrrowowowowoooww!” Mr. Mumbled cried in a protesting tone as she looked up at Dan.

“Oh, like you were doing anything, anyhow!” Dan shouted back.

Dennis giggled to himself. “I like you guys, you’re fun.”

Amber sighed, “Can we go now?”

Pinkie smiled. “Just one more thing.”

In a pink flash accompanied by the sound of his bones cracking, Dan quickly found slim, feminine arms wrapped around him.

‘CRACK!’

“Ooofff!” Dan uttered. “Hey, Goofball.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hey…” she cooed out. “Thanks for coming to save me…”

Dan smiled as he wrapped his arms around Pinkie. “It’s what I’m here for...”

“THIS ISN’T OVER!” Jason called out as he rose to his feet.

Dan, Pinkie, and Amber sighed.

“Really?!” Dan cried as he broke his embrace. “You want another thrashing?!”

“Yeah…” Pinkie said as she shook her head. “Talk about a glutton for punishment.”

Jason narrowed his eyes at the couple. “You two and I have unfinished busi—”

In the blink of an eye a slim hand appeared from behind Jason and chopped into his neck with a solid ‘Thwap!’

Jason’s eyes rolled back in his head and he hit the ground with another loud ‘Thud!’

Pinkie’s face lit up. “ELISE!”

“Hey, Pink—OOFFF!” Elise cried as Pinkie wasted no time in rushing over and throwing her arms around her friend.

“You’re just in time for… Uh…”Pinkie turned and scanned the room full of beaten and battered people. “…a late dinner, I guess…”

 “TOOK YOU ALL LONG ENOUGH!” Dan roared.

Chris, Ninja Dave, and Becky all shuffled into the room with nervous, apologetic expressions on their faces.

“Sorry Dan…” Chris offered. “We all tried to call you, but…”

“All our calls went to voicemail, dude,” Ninja Dave informed.

“Yeah,” Becky chimed in. “Elise even tried to scan police frequencies and stuff to listen for anything that sounded like you might be involved, but there’s been a city wide epidemic of phones, radios, and even internet going bust.”

Elise spoke up, “We eventually just had to look up the address of the Goodhills.”

 “In a phone book, even!”  \Chris added.

Becky shuddered. “It was like going back in time to the dark ages.”

Dan continued to scowl. “And all this took several hours?!”

“Sorry…” Dave offered. “Becky and I were at the movies… and uh… got distracted afterwards.”

Pinkie sighed. “Why am I never here for these things?”

Chris rubbed the back of his head. “Uh… Elise really likes having her tail brushed.”

Everyone turned and flashed Chris a confused look.

“Don’t tell them that!” Elise cried.

Dan sighed. “Whatever, you’re all failures as friends and I hate you all… so you’ll be paying for dinner.”

“Hey,” Ninja Dave pretested as he pulled out his blowgun. “At least I can take out Amber.”

“No wait!” Amber cried as she threw her hands out in front of her.

‘Thof!’

“SON OF A…!” Amber called out as she felt a sharp pain in her neck.

“Uh, Dave?” Pinkie said. “Amber helped Dan rescue me.”

“…Ooops.” He said with a nervous grin. “I’ll uh…just get her the antidote now…”

Amber’s eyes glazed-over as she wiped a hand over the lotion on one side of her face and began licking it off her fingers. “Oh my gosh! I’m delicious! How come no one told me?!”

“Hilarious,” Dan said. “But you’re all still dead to me.”

Chris frowned. “If you got to hit us all, would that make you feel better?”

“Hey!” Becky protested. “I don’t like these terms!”

Dan pondered this and shrugged. “I would like to see you all in pain, but I’m feeling a little punched out at this point.” He turned towards Pinkie. “Would you…?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Sorry Dan, but I’m just happy to not be tied to a chair anymore.”

Dan folded his arms and grumbled irritably to himself. He turned towards Amber. “Amber?”

Amber said nothing, but stared off into space as she licked one of her arms.

“Sorry,” Ninja Dave said as he walked back towards he group. “The antidote takes a little bit to kick in…”

“I’ll do it!” Dennis said enthusiastically.

Dan smiled. “That a boy! Kick ‘em. Kick ‘em right in the shins!”

Dave turned towards Elise. “Are we just supposed to let this happen?”

Elise shrugged. “Getting kicked—OW!— by a child seems a lot better than Dan punching –OWCH!—” Elise frowned down at Dennis “—Just once, okay?!”

“He said, ‘shins!’” Dennis pointed out.

Elise sighed and rolled her eyes.

Dennis delivered a sharp kick into one of Chris’s shins “OW!” then the other “AUG!”

Elise continued, “Anyhow, this seems better than the alternative.”

Dave shrugged. “I guess you—OW!—have a point—GAH!—He kicks hard for such a small guy…”

“OUCH!” Becky exclaimed as Dennis also delivered a kick into her shin, quickly followed by the other. “OW!” She shook her head. “Weirdest problem resolution ever…”

Elise and Chris both cocked their eyebrows and looked at her.

Elise spoke up, “Just wait until you spend a little more time with Dan… this will seem pretty tame in comparison.”

Amber slowly raised a hand to her forehead. “Uuuhg… my head…” She pulled a disgusted face and stuck out her tongue before turning to the group. “Are we done now?!” Amber cried. “I think we’re really pushing our luck with the police at this point.”

“Alright, alright…” Dan said. “Let’s get some dinner…”

Pinkie smiled and bounded up to Dan, immediately slipping one of her hands into his.

The group, including Dennis and Amber turned to leave.

“PINKIE, WAIT!” Jean cried out.

“Uh… you too, Dennis…” Flynn added.

Dan felt the hand he was holding tense and glanced up in time to see one of Pinkie’s eye twitched quickly followed by her pulling back her lips and grinding her teeth.

“You don’t have to go with them!” Jean cried. “You don’t have to live your life this way! You don’t have to be stuck with Dan!”

“Ffffffeeeeeoooooow…”

The color drained from Dan’s face as he heard a not unfamiliar sound of a balloon quickly deflating. “Pa…Pinkie?” he stammered out as he looked at his girlfriend.

He saw the unwelcome sight of her hair laying completely straight. However, instead of the tears he was used to seeing accompanying the look, Pinkie gazed out into open space with a wrathful expression.

With a loud ‘THUMP!’ Jean soon found her back being pressed against the wall as a firm arm pressed against her shoulder and collarbone and another against her neck.

Flynn looked on fearfully as Pinkie held his wife up against the wall. Pinkie stared out at Jean with eyes that looked like they could melt metal if need be.

Elise looked across the room with wide, surprised eyes and leaned in closer to Ninja Dave. “Did you… did you even see her move?”

Ninja Dave looked on with an expression that mirrored Elise’s and shook his head.

Pinkie began speaking in a low, almost whisper quiet growl of a tone, “I think I’ve reached my quota on people telling me how I should live my life for today.”

“Ba…but…” Jean stammered out.

“Uh, Jean, honey?” Flynn said. “I think you better let this one go…”

Pinkie continued, “You have no idea what it’s like to be me! I don’t… I don’t even feel the same as I used to… It’s like something good and magical is missing from this place and I feel that it’s gone… EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY I wake up and I know something isn’t here… What’s even worse is I know that it’s been replaced with chaos and violence.” Pinkie grit her teeth as her voice slowly began to raise in volume. “You don’t know… to you, it’s normal, for me… I have to wonder how long I can take it. Wonder if this world will someday bury me in unhappiness, and turn me into something I’m not.  So don’t even try to tell me what’s good for me because you don’t have a clue!”

Jean just stared out at Pinkie as her heart pounded in her chest. “I didn’t… I didn’t know…” she whispered out.

“No, you didn’t,” Pinkie hissed out. “You just took one look at me and thought you knew what was best for me. That you could fix me in a way that would make me happier… Well, I know what will make happy.” Pinkie’s eye twitched. “And unfortunately for you, there’s a little voice in my head telling me it’s throwing you out a window…”

Flynn froze. “You… you wouldn’t…”

Pinkie’s lips curled up into a sinister smile full of clenched teeth. “Oh, I think I would…” Pinkie purred out.

Dan and the rest of the group likewise stood in place. Unsure of what to do about Pinkie and her sudden shift in behavior. Even Dennis who seemed to be enjoying the chaos had gone quiet.

“Dan,” Chris whispered out, “what do we do?”

Dan swallowed and shook his head. “I don’t… I don’t know… I’ve never seen her like this…” he admitted.

Pinkie suddenly shifted and held Jean’s upper arms in a vice-like grip as she stared wildly at her.

Jean closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“…Are you going to hurt my mommy?”

Pinkie’s eyes suddenly shot open and the crazed smile on her face disappeared. Her pupils began to dilate is it slowly dawned on her what she was doing.

Everyone turned to face a small, red-curly-haired child that stood in the living room doorway.

“Uh… Kale, buddy?” Flynn said. “Maybe you should—”

“No…” Pinkie interrupted. “I’m not…”

Everyone quietly shifted their attention back to Pinkie.

“I just realized the voice in my head isn’t mine… it’s coming from this place…” Pinkie gently set Jean down and walked away.

Kale quickly sprinted over to his mother and wrapped his arms around her. Flynn also stepped up to Jean and embraced her and his child as the couple began to sob uncontrollably, the evening's events having taken a toll on both of their bodies and psyches.

Pinkie turned towards Dan and walked up to him, her hair still straight and her expression blank.

Dan felt his chest tighten and looked at Pinkie with an apologetic look as if her speech had been directed at him. “I’m…I’m so sorry…” Dan said.

Pinkie shook her head. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” A small smile finally appeared on her face and she reached out to caress Dan’s stubble-covered cheek. “If it weren’t for you, I don’t know what I’d do… I think… I think this place would have drowned me in misery a while back… and then I really would become something I’m not… something completely different from how I used to be…” Pinkie tilted her head slightly. “You help me forget that I don’t belong… You fill what’s missing with something warm and good…” Pinkie took both of Dan’s hands and looked into his emerald eyes with fondness as water pooled beneath her sky-blue irises.  “You keep me me.”

Dan smiled as Pinkie leaned down and quickly raised her arms, wrapping them behind his neck. She pressed her lips against his and felt the warm, comforting feeling of joy spread through her body once more.

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Epilogue

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples

Epilogue

-ooooooo-

‘Ffffrrrrrreeeeee!’

Pinkie’s hair inflated to its normal curly shape almost immediately as her lips made contact with Dan’s. Dan responded by wrapping his arms around his lover’s body and returned the affection. Mr. Mumbles bounded up to Pinkie and rubbed her head against her leg as she began to purr. Most everyone else present breathed a sigh of relief.

“Huh…” Flynn uttered as she held on tight to Jean and Kale. “…Doesn’t really look like an abusive relationship from here.”

Jean sighed and shook her head. “No, I guess it doesn’t.”

“Ewww!” Dennis exclaimed. “You two are getting all smoochie face with each other!”

Dan and Pinkie chuckled lightly as they parted lips and leaned their foreheads against each other briefly.

Dan turned and looked down at Dennis. “Someday you’ll figure out this ‘smoochie face’ stuff isn’t so bad…”

“Will I need a lobotomy first?” Dennis snarked back.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… He really is like a tiny version of you…”

“Dan!” Chris said. “You still complain when Elise and I are affectionate with each other! Plus you and Pinkie are still way worse about displays of public affection.”

“Yeah, but when we do it, it’s cute,” Dan replied. “No wants to see you pair of uglies going at it like two dogs fighting over a bone, and yes the dog comparison was intentional!”

“Heeeey!” Chris protested.

Elise furrowed her brow and leaned over to Chris. “At what point do I get to stop feeling bad that we didn’t help Dan rescue Pinkie?”

Chris shrugged. “Eh, guess we can at least give him until after dinner.”

Pinkie looked down at Dennis and grinned. “Ready to go?”

“You bet!” Dennis replied. “Let’s blow this popsicle stand!”

Jean frowned. “You’re really going to take Dennis?”

“We’re just going to borrow him!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Borrow, nothing!” Dan cried. “We should adopt him as our own!”

Pinkie gasped. “Oh my gosh! oh my gosh! That sounds like a great idea!”

“Sweet!” Dennis exclaimed.

Jean and Flynn quickly exchanged worried expressions.

Amber raised a fist to her mouth and cleared her throat. “I hate to be a killjoy, but that would actually be kidnapping, not adoption.”

“So!?” Dan exclaimed. “They tried to kidnap Pinkie! Turnabout is fair play.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down.

Amber folded her arms and shot Dan and Pinkie an unamused expression. “Also, you two live in a small, three room apartment with only a hollow core door to separate the bedroom from the living area. I know. Pinkie even diagrammed it a few times in her questionnaire."

Dan turned and exchanged frowns before they turned back to Amber.

“Borrow,” Dan stated. “Borrowing’s good.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Pinkie agreed.

“Awwwwww…” Dennis uttered in disappointment.

Jean and Flynn collectively breathed a sigh of relief.

“Uuuuhhhh…” Jennifer moaned from the floor. “Could someone help me up?”

Pinkie shot Jennifer a glare. “You pointed a gun at me and Dan!” she reminded.

“WHAT?!” Chris and Elise exclaimed.

“Merrrow! HISSSSS!” Mr. Mumbles exclaimed.

Becky frowned. “Whoa… things sound like they got intense.”

Ninja Dave nodded. “Yeah, no kidding…”

Jennifer pursed her lips. “Uh… I’ll just… I’ll just stay here for a bit.”

“Hey!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I have an idea! Why don’t we visit Dennis from time to time! Maybe take him out for a day every once in a while!”

Dan smiled. “Love it!”

Dennis grinned. “Sounds good to me!”

Jean and Flynn exchanged worried expressions once more.

“Uh,” Flynn began, “do we have a say in the matter?”

Pinkie giggled slightly before her face and tone turned dark for a split second. “Hehehe, no.”

Flynn sighed. “I thought as much.”

“I don’t know, dear,” Jean replied. “Maybe this is a good opportunity for Dennis to socialize and channel some of his energy.”

Flynn turned towards his soulmate with a look of disbelief. He motioned out towards Dan and Pinkie.  “You think Dennis spending time with those two will somehow be an enriching experience for him?!”

“I just think we should be open to the possibility,” Jean replied.

Flynn’s eye twitched and he sat up. “Kale, buddy? Let’s go to your room and play.”

“Sure, buddy!” Kale said enthusiastically.

Flynn and Kale stood up and walked out of the room.

Everyone silently followed the two with their eyes.

“I’m sure he’s just contemplating the growth opportunity here…” Jean stated.

Amber sighed. “Seriously, can we go, please? I’m already an accessory to about half a dozen crimes as it is.”

Dan grinned. “Not to mention the ones you committed yourself!”

Amber sighed as she addressed Dan, “Yes, Dan. I’m aware of that.”

The group began to shuffle on down the hallway towards the stairs.

“Food sounds good,” Chris declared. “Food always sounds good!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “There’s a surprise.”

Elise shrugged. “Just as long as it’s food and not things that vaguely resemble or taste of food.”

The group made its way down the stairs and out of the house.

Jason moaned from the ground. “UuUuUuUuUuhh… Does anyone have a spare notepad I could use?”

-ooooooo-

Dan, Pinkie, and Dennis sped across the restaurant floor as they all sat on a large serving tray. Dan held a fire extinguisher behind him and fired it in a long, continuous burst that propelled the group along.

Pinkie exclaimed a happy “Wheeeeeeeee!” as Dan and Dennis laughed maniacally.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—”

‘CRASH!’

From several tables set up next to each other, Elise, Chris, Ninja Dave, Becky, and Amber all watched with an almost detached level of interest as the trio crashed their tray into an unoccupied table.

“We’re okay!” Pinkie called from a heap composed of the three tray riders and a few chairs.

“That was AWESOME!” Dennis cried as he pulled himself from the pile.

“Sure was!” Dan agreed as he stood up and dusted himself off. “Let’s grease up the bottom again and go for another run!” With that, the three giddily ran across the restaurant and disappeared into the kitchen.

Amber turned to the rest of the group at the table. “So this is what those two do? They go out, cause mayhem, grab a bite to eat, and go out and do it again?”

Ninja Dave chuckled. “I said almost the exact same thing the first time I went out with those two…”

Becky grinned at Amber. “Welcome to the club.”

Amber sighed as she dug her fork into her salad. She shook her head. “And none of you even try to stop them?”

The group collectively shrugged.

Elise spoke up, “You have to pick your battles with those two.”

Chris sat down the massive burger in his hand and nodded. “If you fight them at every turn, you just end up exhausted and usually either injured or sticky.” His eyes glazed over slightly as he stared off into space. “Sometimes both…”

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—”

The happy trio sped through the restaurant again.

‘CRASH!’

“We’re okay!”

“Again! Again!” Dennis cried.

“I’ll steal another fire extinguisher!” Dan exclaimed.

Amber looked up again at the sound of the crash then glanced around the restaurant. “The restaurant is now on fire,” she said flatly as she noticed scattered flames trailing from the kitchen starting to spread from Dan, Pinkie, and Dennis’s grease trails.

Elise shrugged. “It happens.”

Chris swallowed a mouthful of burger. “Don’t worry, we still have plenty of time to eat before the smoke fumes force everyone out of the restaurant.”

The group causally went back to eating.

A tan, blond-haired waitress stood next to a serving counter shot a death glare at Pinkie as she scampered about the restaurant. “This isn’t over…” she whispered to herself. “I’ll make sure you’re hunted and suffer until the end of your days, and you don’t have many of those left…”

A man in a chef coat popped up behind the counter and held out a couple plates. “Hey Helen, table five’s order is ready.” He paused. “Also, the flames are getting pretty close to it. We’re out of fire extinguishers, so you’ll have to use some of your ice water to keep the fire at bay.”

Helen’s eye twitched. “Soon…” she murmured menacingly.

“So Amber,” Becky began, “I take it you’re done with couple’s therapy?”

Amber nodded her head. “Absolutely, even setting aside my experiences with everyone here, it does nothing for my anger issues." Amber paused and added. “…Except for making me angrier.” She pursed her lips. “Anger management too, ironically enough…”

“Huh,” Ninja Dave said, “so what are you going to do now?”

Amber smiled. “I have a Phd in Social Psychology. I’m sure I’ll land on my feet.”

-ooooooo-

“LOOK OUT!” D.H. cried as she tripped holding a tray full of colorful cupcakes.

Amber stood motionless with a sour expression on her face as several cupcakes rained down upon the register in front of her, her hair, her face, her clothes, and her apron.

“And this is pretty much every day here?” she glowered out.

“Yep!” Chris replied from next to her as he picked a cupcake off his shoulder and began eating it.

Amber grumbled irritably to herself, turned towards the back of the shop and shouted, “We need more Rainbow cupcakes!”

“Okay!” Pinkie’s voice called back cheerfully.

Dan approached the register, a smile on his face and a mop in his hands. He handed out the mop for Amber. “Would you be a dear and clean up this mess, Doc?”

Amber muttered something incomprehensible under her breath and snatched the mop. She stormed off towards the back of the shop.

Dan looked up and Chris and grinned. “Do you ever feel you have the best job ever?”

Chris grabbed another cupcake off his body and shoveled it into his mouth. “Absfowluwtely!” he replied through a mouthful of food.

End Part 12

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Grief

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Grief

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Dan & Pinkie Vs. Grief

-ooooooo-

NEWS:

First: if you've missed the last several blog posts and don't pay close attention to the front page, you may have missed that I'm writing a slice of life supplemental story to this one called 'Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life'. Current arc is dealing with the very early days of Dan and Pinkie living together.

Second: Ysengrimmus has begun dramatic readings of The Wheel and the Butterfly.

You can listen to his deep, soothing tones here.

Third:  I'd like to say 'thank you' to all all my loyal readers and hello to all the new ones (some of you have caught up in an incredibly short amount of time). The last few days have been nothing short of amazing with the amount of attention this story has gotten, and it really warms my heart that so many of you enjoy and even go so far as to proof read my work and produce wonderful things based on my writing.

On that note, time to keep this big ol' mayhem train rollin'!

-ooooooo-

“… Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great a couch, no, not in Los Angeles,” Dan proclaimed as he held an open Bible in his hands. “And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of couch heaven. Amen”

The hot, Southern California sun beat down on Dan as he closed his Bible. Sunlight glistened from a pristine body of water as a small boat, heaped high with the broken and trashed pieces of Dan’s blue couch, sat on the concrete shore.

Pinkie stood next to Dan, dressed in one of his ‘JERK’ shirts as she sobbed openly and as she dabbed at a fountain of tears with a handkerchief.  “…WHOUAAAHAAAAHAAAA…!”

Elise stood next to her and did her best to continue standing as a hysterical fit of laughter erupted from her. “...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Chris furrowed his brow at Dan. “That’s not in the Bible!”

“I’m paraphrasing, okay!” Dan shot back in irritation. “There's like one good verse about a couch in here, and I already used it!”

“WHOUAAAAHOUAAA… COUCHY WAS SO YOUNG!” Pinkie wailed.

Dan pulled a corner of his lips to the side. “Actually, I stole that couch from my Grandma… it was probably a good 20 years older than anyone here.”

“… WHOUAAA… Oh…” Pinkie replied as she immediately turned off her fountain of tears.  “Well… still sad!” she declared.

“Hey, I remember that day!” Chris said. “Your grandma was pretty ticked!” Chris frowned. “I never knew I could run so fast backwards while holding up an end of a couch…”

Dan shrugged. “It’s funny what you can accomplish when an old woman is chasing you down with a butcher’s cleaver.”

“…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Pinkie sighed and shook her head. “Poor Elise, she’s so distraught that she’s overcome with sorrow laughter.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I bet.”

“AHAHAHAHEhehehehe… I’m sorry…hehehe… It’s just… just hehehehe… pfffft… WE’RE HOLDING A FUNERAL FOR A COUCH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!” Her laughter finally getting the better of her, Elise collapsed to the ground as she clutched her sides and continued her vocal mirthful torrent.

Pinkie bent down and lightly patted Elise’s back. “There, there, Elise. Couchy will be in a better place, soon.”

“Yep,” Dan said with a nod. “We best send him on his way…” Dan turned to Pinkie, then to Chris “Pallbearers?”

Pinkie nodded solemnly as she and Chris leaned down and pushed the boat out into the water.

“You know,” Chris began, “I don’t think we’re pallbearers just because we’re pushing the boat into the water...”

Dan glared at Chris. “Well I don’t know the word for funeral boat pushers, okay?!”

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “You could have just called us ‘boat pushers’.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Right, because that has such an official-sounding ring to it.” He narrowed his eyes and leveled an index finger at Chris. “You are just sucking the fun right out of this funeral!”

Pinkie nodded. “And without that it’s just an ‘eral’!”

Elise paused as she processed Pinkie’s statement. “… PFFFFFFFFTTTT... AHAHAHAHAHAH…”

Chris scrunched his lips and forehead. “I don… erm… I don’t…”

Dan chuckled. “Hehehe… I got it!”

Pinkie pulled her lips open and smiled wide.

Chris just shook his head. “Shouldn’t you take care of that boat? It’s getting pretty far—”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan said dismissively as he bent down, sat down his worn Bible on the ground, and picked up an ancient-looking wooden bow and an arrow wrapped in a drenched cloth.

Chris glanced at the bow. “I can’t believe you still have that thing.”

Dan turned and glared at Chris. “Well it’s not like you can just walk into any ol’ department store and buy a bow!”

Chris rolled his eyes. “No, they have to have a sporting goods section for that to happen.”

Dan flapped a set of fingers up and down in to mime his hand talking. “Maanahamaanaha…Sporting goods,” he said in a mocking, dopey voice. Dan turned and stared out into the water. He pulled back the bowstring and took aim. “Light me, Goofball.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she reached into Dan’s back pocket, pulled out a golden zippo lighter with an eagle etched to it, and flicked the lighter wheel a couple times to get flame. She brought the lighter up to the soaked rag and with a ‘Wooosh!’ fire suddenly engulfed the tip of the arrow.

Dan let the arrow fly in a neat arc over the water. The arrow hit dead center in the boat and it plus the broken couch pieces inside immediately caught flame. The fire shot high into the bright sky as its reflection flickered across the water and the surrounding cement walls glowed with a warm shade of orange.

Dan lowered the bow and looked out solemnly at the burning boat. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

Pinkie whimpered quietly. “Goodbye, Couchy…”

“…AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Chris cocked an eyebrow at Dan. “How is it you can hit anything with a bow and arrow, but you can’t aim with a paintball gun well enough to save your life?”

Dan shrugged. “Affinity for medieval weapons, I guess…” Dan glanced at the sky briefly. “Or ancient Native American weapons, in this case...”

The group paused as sirens began to blare and red and blue lights began to flash from over the concrete walls.

“Oooo!” Pinkie uttered. “The police are here! They must want to give Couchy a twenty-one gun salute salute!”

Chris frowned. “Is it illegal to push a boat full of a broken couch out into a canal and set it on fire?”

“AHAHAHAHAhehehe…” Elise regained her senses and stood to her feet. “Oh, it is crazy illegal to do that!”

Dan bent down and picked up his Bible. “We should run,” he said calmly.

Chris nodded. “Yes, running is good!”

“Yay!” Pinkie cried as she clapped her hands together. “Another fun jog with the police!”

-ooooooo-

Chris held an arm across his chest as he used the other to hold himself up, leaning the hand on his blue sedan. He tried to catch his breath as he spoke, “So… huff… puff—” Chris swallowed “—what are you two going to do now?”

“Us… huff… two?!” Dan cried as he sat on the ground and leaned against the car’s tire. “WE… puff… collectively, as in all of us… huff… puff… are going to go pick up a new-old couch to replace the one we just had to send to the next world!”

Elise stood next to the men and put a hand on her hip. “Dan, we both have lives besides helping you. For instance we both have jobs we need to bet back to.”

“Chris’s job IS helping me! In practically every sense of the phrase!” Dan shot back.

Elise paused. “... Alright, you kind of got me there.”

“Woot! Score one for Dan!” Pinkie cried enthusiastically as she threw her hands in the air.

Dan glowered up at Elise and Pinkie. “Also, why aren’t you two winded?! My legs still feel they’ve been dipped in acid!”

Elise and Pinkie exchanged blank looks and shrugged.

Elise spoke up, “Honestly, after years of running and hiding from armies across the world, evading the LAPD simply isn’t that big of a deal.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie chimed in. “And we run away from the police, like, all the time! I’m kinda surprised it takes so much out of you two.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Well excuuuuse me for not being a secret spy or having some crazy, endless supply of energy!”

Pinkie fluttered her eyelids. “You don’t complain about that when we’re behind closed blinds and locked doors.”

Dan’s face flushed slightly. “I erm… uh… shut up!” he replied.

Chris stood up and stretched his back, placing his hands on it as he did. “I think I’m okay with running from things being rare enough that I get out of breath doing it.”

Dan stood up and folded his arms. “You say that now, but you’re going to regret it when a cybernetic tiger chases you down.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “They’re the number one killers of cybernetic sambar deer!” she informed as she held an index finger up.

Chris sighed and shook his head. “The saddest part about that statement is with the state of my life, I could be chased down by a cybernetic tiger!”

Elise threw her hands up in the air. “I’M SORRY! CONTAINMENT BREACHES HAPPEN, OKAY?!”

Everyone went silent and stared at Elise.

“… Darling, what are you talking about?” Chris asked.

“Uh… Let’s stop at Dairy Queen before I drop you off at work!” Elise said with a grin.

Chris’s face lit up. “You’re the best, beautiful.”

Elise chuckled. “I know.”

“No way!” Dan cried. “I need my grunt to help lift and transport my future new-old couch!”

Chris narrowed his eyes. “Okay first, D.H. is on the shift and you know how much trouble she can get into if there isn’t anyone to keep her in line.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Why do you think I hired Amber on?!” Dan smiled. “Once the daily grind of working at the bakery wears her stupid new-age approach to dealing with everything down to dust, she’ll keep the troops in line.”

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “Alright, and in the meantime?”

Dan’s smile widened as he folded his arms. “I say let the daily grind work its magic.”

Pinkie grinned. “Because a soul crushing food service job is magic!”

-ooo-

From behind the counter of the bakery Amber gritted her teeth as she stared out into the dining room area with wide, concerned eyes. “D.H., watch where you’re—”

 “AAAAH! WATCH OUT!”

Amber sighed as the increasingly familiar sound of D.H. falling to the ground with a ‘Thud!’ was accompanied by the soft ‘Splat!’s of a number of cupcakes hitting the ground, tables, and customers. “…going…” she finished as she shook her head. She scanned the dining room area and barked out, “Gibson!”

“What?!” a masculine voice called back.

“Stop flirting with the customers and run cupcakes out!”

An olive-skinned teenaged boy with short black hair, wearing  jeans and a black Blink-182 shirt adorned with a twisted looking smiley face walked up to the register. “I’m not ‘flirting’!” he protested. “I’m drumming up sales!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Well go ‘drum up sales’ while you carry cupcakes and muffins out! Thanks to Dan running off with Chris, we’re a man down and the kitchen can’t keep up with all these free cupcakes!”

“Excuse me?” a woman with fiery red and yellow hair glowered out. She picked a couple cupcakes off of her black, leather jacket, another of her magenta shirt with a sun on the chest, and one more off her orange skirt.

Amber motioned to the woman. “See! That’s two dozen free cupcakes.”

“Oh, I don’t want more cupcakes!” the woman said darkly.

Gibson quickly looked the woman down and back up again and put on his most charming smile. “Are you sure? Because I know a nice, quiet—”

“GIBSON!” Amber snapped. “Cupcake platter, NOW!”

 “Alright, going!” Gibson replied as he walked back behind the counter.

Amber turned back to the woman. “Sorry about that… would a refund be alright?”

The woman narrowed her eyes. “Oh, I don’t want money!”

“Huh? Then wha—”

“I want vengeance!” The woman said darkly.

Amber frowned. “You want to throw cupcakes at our employee? I mean… she does a pretty good job of getting them on herse—”

The woman shook her head. “It’s not her I have a grudge against.”

Amber sighed and turned towards the back of the bakery. “Wally! There’s a woman out here who has a vengeance grudge! What do I do?”

“Have you tried offering her cupcakes?” Wally answered back.

“Yeah, she didn’t want any!”

“Well… she’ll just have to come back later! Dan isn’t here!”

Amber turned back to the woman and motioned out towards the back of the bakery. “There you go, Dan isn’t here.”

“Actually, it’s that psychotic, pink-haired girlfriend of his I’m after,” the woman informed.

Amber rolled her eyes. “Now why doesn’t that surprise me?” She sighed before she continued, “She’s not here either.”

The woman’s frown began to pull up into a dark, devilish grin. “That’s okay, I can just leave a message.”

Amber threw her hands up in the air as she furrowed her brow. “Look! I’m not voicemail for those two crazies! If you want to contact—”

The woman suddenly leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Amber’s abdomen.

“HEY!” Amber cried. “What are you doi—?”

The woman’s grin went from devilish to crazed as her eyes widened. “Not that kind of a message, I’m afraid.” With that she leaned back as she held on tight to Amber. She pulled Amber up and over the counter as the woman arced her back until Amber hit the ground with a resounding ‘THUD!’

Gibson suddenly appeared from the back of the bakery. “Amber!” he cried in alarm. “What—OH MY GOD!”

“Uhhhhhh…” Amber moaned out from the floor.

The woman dusted off her palms as she smiled down. “Tell pink girl that Sunset Shimmer is—HEY, WHOA!”

Amber quickly swept her legs into Sunset Shimmer’s large black and purple boots. Sunset fell sideways and hit her head on the bakery counter with a ‘Thump!’ before hitting the ground with a solid ‘Thud!’

Gibson peered over the counter as Amber crawled her way on top of Sunset Shimmer. “Sweet!” he cried. “Cat fight!”

“Gibson!” Amber cried as she and Sunset began throwing fists at each other and grappling. “Don’t just stand there! DO SOMETHING!”

“On it!” Gibson cried as he ran around the counter.

Sunset reached up, snagged Amber’s apron, and quickly used it as leverage to shift her onto the ground.

 “GHA!” Amber cried as she soon found herself back on the floor. Sunset climbed on top of her.

Sunset pulled back her fist. “Nice move, but you really should pay more attention!”

“WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING ME?!” Amber cried.

Sunset suddenly frowned. “If I can’t take you out, what hope do I have to defeat Pinkie?!”

“This isn’t a—”

‘Pow!’

“OW...! kung fu movie!” Amber cried she reached up and snatched Sunsets arms as the two women continued to struggle. “GIBSON! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DOSOMETHING!”

“I am!” Gibson called back. “I’m taking bets!”

“WHAT?!”

“Sorry, Amber! But I need a new amp!”

-ooo-

“Alright, fine!” Chris exclaimed.  “Second: why do you keep saying ‘new-old’ couch?”

“Because I’m going to pick it up from Great Will!” Dan replied.

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “You’re buying a used couch?”

“Dan!” Chris replied. “You both have money even ignoring the magic wallet! Just buy a new-new couch!”

“Sure, and why don’t I just throw money away while I’m at it?!”

“YOU HAVE AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF IT!” Chris cried as he threw his hands up in the air. “You and Pinkie made yourselves hats out of money just for fun the other day!”

Pinkie piped up, “In our defense, that’s just so we had matching hats to go with the boat we constructed out of money that we were using to sail a sea we made out of money.”

Elise knitted her brow as she turned towards Pinkie. “Uh, Pinkie? That doesn’t actually help your case at all…”

Pinkie frowned and put her hands on her hips. “Hey, if you two want to sail a boat made out of money in a money ocean without hats to go along with it, that’s your business!”

“That’s not what—” Elise sighed “—never mind.”

“Wait…” Chris uttered. “What did you do with the money ocean and boat when you were done with them?”

Dan shrugged. “We threw them away.”

Chris sighed, “Of course you did.”

“Look!” Dan cried. “The point is that couch had history and character! We can’t just go out and buy a rookie couch and expect it to perform up to the standards of the old couch!”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “I think you might be confusing furniture with people.”

Pinkie spoke up, “In Dan’s defense, they can be hard to tell apart at times.”

Chris glanced at Pinkie. “Riiiight…”

“The point is,” Dan continued, “that couch had all of our blood, sweat, and tears in it… literally.”

“Ew!” Elise exclaimed.

Chris nodded. “Well… there have been plenty of nights of one of us recovering on the couch after a vengeance run.”

Pinkie grinned. “Or me laying on it because I used to be too clumsy to make it downstairs without falling down them like a slinky!”

Dan, Chris, and Elise all winced.

“Yeah…” Dan uttered. “Those were the days alright…”

Pinkie smiled and nodded her head up and down. “And this couch will have other people’s blood sweat and tears in it!” She frowned and turned to Dan. “Let’s pick up a steam cleaner or something on the way home too.”

“Alright fine,” Chris said, “it’s your guys’ couch, but I still need to get back to the bakery!”

“Oh, come on!” Dan whined. “Pinkie and I need your help way more than the bakery does!”

A ringing noise suddenly cut Dan off. Chris reached into his pocket, pulled out his smartphone, and answered it. “Hey Wally...mmm-hmmm… Crazy kung fu wrestling match… People are taking bets… Mmm-hmmm… Need some more help in the kitchen…”

Dan narrowed his eyes as he waved his hands in front of him and mouthed ‘No’ over and over again to Chris.

“Yeah, sure… I think we’re about done here… See you soon!” Chris hit a button on his smartphone and terminated the call.

“TRAITOR!” Dan declared as he talk a half-step towards Chris and leveled an angry index finger at him.

“Sorry Dan,” Chris offered, “but they’re being killed over there.” Chris paused, “…Possibly one of them literally…”

“Let them die! Couches are heavy!” Dan whined.

“Cheer up!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “I’m sure we can figure some way to get the couch home between the two of us.”

Dan pondered this. “Well… I guess we know a few other people who could help…”

Elise spoke up, “They all have jobs, too.”

“DANGIT!” Dan exclaimed. “Chris go back to being an unemployed loser!”

Chris frowned. “You want me to quit my job at the bakery?”

Dan thought about this. “Uh… Well… I guess you’re more useful to me employed at the bakery than unemployed… Fine! But for the record you’re dead to me until further notice!”

Chris grinned. “Guess I’ll just have to help you move the couch in spirit, then.”

Elise and Pinkie giggled to themselves as Dan flashed Chris an angry glare. “Oh yeah… Well… your face looks like a monkey’s!”

Chris just smiled as he and Elise opened the doors to the blue sedan. “Love you too, buddy. Let me know how the couch hunt goes. See you soon!”

Pinkie smiled cheerful and waved. “Bye-bye Chris! Bye-bye Elise!”

Chris and Elise said their goodbyes to Pinkie before the blue sedan sped down palm tree lined road.

Dan grumbled irritably to himself as he watched the car go.

Pinkie placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled. “Cheer up, Dan! This way it can be like a couple’s activity!”

Dan sighed and shook his head as he spoke to Pinkie, “A boring couple’s activity!” He began walking towards his red hatchback; Pinkie followed. “This is how romance dies, Goofball. One day you’re picking out a new-old couch together and the next you come home just to”—Dan rolled his eyes and air quoted—“‘talk about your day’ and watch stupid medical drama shows before going to bed.”

Pinkie giggled as she and Dan both entered the car and buckled their seat-belts. “Don’t worry! I’m sure we can spice up the evening somehow.” Pinkie grinned, “Maybe we can spot a few Car2Go cars to vandalize.”

Dan smiled as he started the car and smiled. “I do like vandalizing ridiculously tiny cars.”

Pinkie smiled warmly. “I thought that would make you feel better!”

Dan chuckled. “Alright, fine. Let’s get what I’m sure will be an uneventful trip to Great Will over with and we can move on to more interesting things…”

The red hatchback sped off down the California street onto what was sure to be a quiet, slice-of-life chapter of a sweet couple purchasing a couch.

…

Oh, who am I kidding?  Things are going to go sideways faster than a video game movie adaption by Uwe Boll.

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Chapter 109 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Great Will

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Chapter 109 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Great Will

-ooooooo-

Author’s notes: I watched part of a Dan Vs. episode and it seems I may have screwed up on the color of Dan’s furniture in a few places throughout the story. I’ll have to hunt those down and fix them.

Just a heads up in case someone notices that Couchy changed color this chapter.

-ooooooo-

Dan furrowed his brow as he and Pinkie looked over a long line of beat up and dingy-looking couches. Pinkie was still wearing the shirt she had borrowed from Dan for the funeral, making the couple’s clothing match for the most part save Pinkie’s red sneakers and Dan’s black boots. They both stood in a wide open area of the store surrounded by shelves of random knickknacks and collections of random glassware and mugs.

Dan sighed and shook his head. “I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out ‘Two and a Half Men’ wasn’t about two guys who ran around with half a mangled corpse!”

“Well… you wanted a couch with character!” Pinkie said with a smile. “And these couches all have plenty of it!”

Dan shook his head. “These couches don’t have character, they have deep scars both physical and mental! I want a piece of furniture that I know can take a few hits! Not something that looks like it’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder!”

Pinkie giggled. “They’re not that bad!”

Dan pointed to a faded red leather couch with torn and frayed leather on over wood armrests dozens of scratches in them. Additionally, the cushions where dotted with tiny holes. “That one looks like it did several rounds with an army of housecats and lost every single time! It kinda smells like it, too!”

Pinkie pointed to a slightly green couch with a long-faded brown leaf embroidery design on it. “Well, that one looks comfy!” she said as she walked up to the couch.

Dan made a disgusted sound as he followed. “Ulg… It looks like Mother Nature threw up on it! I’m not even trying to exaggerate here! It actually looks like that.” Dan said as he vigorously  motioned to the couch. He paused and added. “… It’s also not a creative color.”

 “Ahh… you’re just being a picky-Mickey!” Pinkie sat down on the couch. “I’m sure it’s…” Pinkie trailed off and frowned as she felt a pinchy sensation in her knee.

‘Scccchhhhhooouuccch…’

Without warning, Pinkie sank into the couch cushions as the spongy green and brown fabric of the couch began to envelop her.

“Pinkie!” Dan cried out in alarm.

“Dan! Help! The couch has figured out I taste delicious!” She cried as she reached an arm up.

Dan rushed up and grabbed Pinkie’s arm in both his hands. He put his foot against the solid bottom of the couch for leverage and yanked on Pinkie’s arm, pulling her free from the blob-like piece of furniture.

Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan and held him tight. “Thank you!” she said earnestly.

Dan returned the hug. “Yeah, yeah…” he said as he gently patted Pinkie’s back. He pulled back slightly, but kept his hands on Pinkie’s arms. “There! One of the couches here tried to eat you! Can we go now!?”

“Look, I’m sure one of these couches can at least make a half-way decent stand-in for Couchy!”

Dan sighed before he began speaking in a wistful tone, “But Couchy was special! He was lumpy in all the right places! He sat a perfect height off the ground! He was red!”

“You know I thought he was yellow for the longest time?” Pinkie said. “Geez-Louise did I have to scrub hard to figure out we had a red couch…! Also the blue carpets… drapes… walls…”

“I get it!” Dan said. “The apartment was messy before you moved in!”

Pinkie raised her eyebrows. “Messy?! I’m still surprised some of the piles of things in there didn’t come to life at some point and try to befriend you… or just eat you!”

Dan sighed, “Can we move on?”

Pinkie scanned the line of couches. “Weeeell… what about this one?” Pinkie asked as she motioned to a beige couch with almost threadbare cushions and upholstery.

“That couch looks like it would shank you for even attempting to sit on it!” Dan declared.

Pinkie maintained her smile and rolled her eyes. “I’m sure it’s not that bad! Look!” Pinkie flung herself back on the couch. “OUCH!” she cried with a pained expression on her face as she hopped off of it and rubbed her back. “That couch just shanked me!”

“I told you!” Dan said.

Pinkie examined the couch. “Huh, some of the springs are sticking out… Maybe we could get a really thick blanket to put over it, or—”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “You want a couch that might give you lockjaw?”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “What’s lockjaw?”

“It’s when you get tetanus and your jaw muscles start having spasms.” Dan smirked. “So, I guess your usual behavior with less sound coming out of your mouth.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe…Guess I’m sleeping in the burn ward tonight…”

Dan chuckled. “You know, I’m actually reconsidering getting the couch now…” He frowned. “Though, I guess there’s a good chance we’d forget about stabbing rust springs in a steamy moment and then we’d both need tetanus shots.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Sha…shots?” She gulped. “As in needles?”

Dan nodded. “That’s how they treat potential Tetanus cases.”

Pinkie’s pupils shrank to the size of pin-pricks. “One sec!” she called out before dashing off towards the front of the store.

Dan followed Pinkie with his eyes briefly then shrugged and shook his head. He turned to a dingy-looking grey couch. “You look like if I touched you, you’d be sticky…” he uttered as he looked down. Dan heard the familiar sound of Pinkie bounding up to him. “What do you think, Goofball?”

“Oh no!” Pinkie called out in a tone that didn’t quite come off as genuine distress. “The stabbing rust couch has caught aflame!”

Dan turned to see a spiraling column of flame shoot up from the center of the beige couch.

“Pinkie!” Dan cried. “I didn’t want the couch!”

“Of course!” Pinkie said. “Who wants a couch that mysteriously bursts into flames for absolutely no discernable reason?!”

“You’re holding a lighter and lighter fluid!” Dan pointed out.

“Yeah, so?” Pinkie replied as she held onto those things Dan just said she had.

“So I’m guessing you started the fire?”

“Wow Dan!” Pinkie said in an offended tone as she placed her hands that were full of fire-starting materials on her hips. “I can’t believe you of all people would just profile someone like that! Just… WOW!”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “I am now torn between getting violent with you and making out with you.”

Pinkie grinned. “Why not both?”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You want me to violently make out with you?”

Pinkie pondered this for a second. “Well, when you put it like that…” Pinkie trailed off before nodding and adding, “Yes. Yes I do.”

Dan put on a mischievous grin, took a few steps closer to Pinkie, and wrapped an arm around her waist. “It does have a nice ring to it, come to think of it…”

“Oh my gosh! Is that couch on fire?!” someone cried from within the store.

Dan and Pinkie frowned.

Dan sighed, “We should probably leave now.”

Pinkie nodded. “I, too, was going to suggest we leave.”

-ooooo-

‘KABOOM!’

“And then the Great Will in North Hollywood exploded for absolutely no discernible reason!” Pinkie said.

“You don’t have to narrate for me Pinkie,” Dan said. “I was right there!”

Dan and Pinkie stood across the street from a long white building with a blue stripe on the front as flames shot out from small sets of large, plate glass windows and smoke billowed up from the brown, shingled roof. People screamed and fled from the building, escaping onto the dirty street as flames consumed the building. The sounds of broken glass and heavy items falling over echoed out from the doomed structure.

“Sooooo…” Dan began as he folded his arms and looked up at Pinkie, “why did you explode the Great Will?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Pinkie said as she shook her head. “But, hypothetically speaking, had some hypothetical brave and intrepid soul found that filthy looking building absolutely terrifying… Oh, let’s just call this hypothetical paragon of fearlessness, Pinkie Pie—”

“You just said your own name, Goofball,” Dan informed.

“Huh! No way!” Pinkie protested. “I swapped the first letters around!”

“They both start with the same letter, nimrod!”

Across the street the fire began to grow larger and hotter, consuming more and more of the building.

“Oh… right… uh… Let’s call her—”

Dan smirked. “So we’re assigning hypothetical gender, now?”

Pinkie sighed and rolled her eyes. “—HE OR HER Light Red Pastry. Hypothetically Light Red Pastry might have took one look at the scary, seedy-looking building, thought it was an eyesore, and heaped explosives—”

“Hypothetical explosives.”

Pinkie paused and shot Dan a glare. “How the heck are you making this so annoying to describe?!”

Dan chuckled. “I learned from the best."

Pinkie scowled at Dan and continued, “... Hypothetical explosives in the center of the Great Will and hypothetically detonated them.”

Dan pondered this as he tapped an index finger against his chin. “Hmmm… Where do you suppose this hypothetical frightened epitome of valor might have acquired such hypothetical explosives?”

“Uh…” Pinkie looked around nervously. “I’m sure there’s a very real, and not hypothetical explosives store nearby…”

Dan nodded as he began walking to his red hatchback. “I see, so if I open the hatch to my car and looked inside, it should still have explosives in the trunk…”

“Errrmmmm…”

Dan reached into his pockets and put on a mock surprise expression. “Oh, shock and alarm! It seems I don’t have my keys because somepony began shaking like a leaf as soon as she entered the store and said something about getting something from the car.”

Pinkie pulled her lips together tight as she stared at Dan, she slowly reached into one of her jean pockets and pulled out a set of keys. She reluctantly handed the keys to Dan.

Dan placed the keys into the lock of the hatch. “Welp, just going to open the hatch and see that none of the explosives in the back are missing, becau—“

“I BLEW UP THE GREAT WILL!” Pinkie cried.

Dan turned with a satisfied expression on his face. “Ah-ha! I knew it!”

Pinkie placed her hands on either side of her head as she stared out into space with a scared expression. “I couldn’t help it! It was just so dirty inside!” Pinkie’s teeth began chattering. “I just stood there wondering ‘What in this filthy place can give me lockjaw!?’ and before you know it, I was setting up explosives in the center of the store and detonating them!” Pinkie began tearing up slightly. “I just couldn’t take it…”

Dan put a comforting hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “There, was that so hard?”

Pinkie sighed. “I guess not.” She looked out at the flaming sto—

‘CuuRummPTHChh!’

—pile of flaming rubble.

“I guess I just wished ‘high explosives’ wasn’t my go-to solution here.”

“Well, I guess you could have showed a little more restraint,” Dan said. “You know… maybe start burning their useless knickknack isle and get everyone to flee from the toxic fumes instead of starting with explosives.”

Pinkie nodded. “That sound like excellent advice, Dan!”

Dan smiled and shrugged. “You pick up a few things up after you get mad at a second hand store or half a dozen…”

‘EEEEEOOOEEEEOOOO…!’

The two perked their ears up at the sound of approaching sirens as red and white lights began to flash from down the street.

“We should goooo…” Dan said, trailing off at the end.

“Yep, definitely!” Pinkie agreed.

“…‘To Show up-N-Go Burger’ is the end of that sentence!” Dan said enthusiastically.

Pinkie gasped. “Yay!” She cried as she held up her palm.

Dan slapped his girlfriend a quick high five before they clasped their hands together and began happily walking down the street to a small burger restaurant down the way.

-ooooo-

“Here’s a nice, big, clean Great Will!” Pinkie said as she motioned out to a large, multi-entranced white and blue building.

Dan pursed his lips and scrunched his brow as he scanned the building from the parking lot. “Maybe too clean!”

Pinkie giggled. “Oh, come on! It’ll be nice to look for couches in a store where we don’t have to be afraid of coming down with something.”

Dan shrugged. “If you say so.”

-ooo-

Dan and Pinkie stood in the same parking lot as black smoke flowed out of each of the store's entrances. Store employees in blue vests and customers all rushed out, coughing and sputtering as they escaped into the relatively fresh air of Southern California.

Dan motioned out to the store. “Yeah… and then that happened.”

“Wasn’t me!” Pinkie declared quickly as she held her hands up in front of her.

Dan nodded. “I know! It was me!” he said with a grin.

Pinkie turned towards Dan. “Wow, you didn’t even try to hide that or anything!”

Dan shrugged. “Eh, I’m a man who likes to wear his heart on his sleeve… Also a man who likes to commit arson.”

“Alright, so on that note, why—”

Dan interrupted. “One of the goofy knickknack clowns looked at me funny.”

“Huh…” Pinkie replied. Setting fire to an entire isle seems a little extreme… Even by your standards.”

“I also hate knickknacks on principle,” Dan informed.

Pinkie nodded. “Alright, I can see that...”

“Aaaand that place needs a little smoke damage or something! Way too sterile for a Great Will! We can’t get a couch that’s been coddled and spoiled by being shown some sort of idealistic vision of a secondhand store!”

“Oooo! Ooooo! ” Pinkie said. “So you wanted to toughen up any potential Couchy 2s inside!”

Dan nodded. “Yep!”

Pinkie motioned to the store. “Of course, the problem is we can’t go back inside.”

Dan pulled his lips into a tight frown as he stared at the store. “Uhhh… yeah… Guess I could have thought this through a little better…” he said as he rubbed the back of his head.

Pinkie shrugged. “Eh, accidents happen.”

Dan nodded. “Especially when they’re intentional and willful destruction of property.”

 “Where’s the next closest Great Will?” Pinkie paused and added, “…That we haven’t visited yet.”

“Hmmm… I think there’s a couple in Northridge…” Dan answered.

Pinkie nodded and the couple began walking back towards the red hatchback.

Pinkie began to speak in a tentative tone, “Uh… Hey… erm… precious snuki—ERM …snickerdoodle?”

Dan furrowed his brow and turned to Pinkie. “What outlandish thing that I’m going to hate are you trying to say…”

“Well, erm… my adorable cupcake…”

“And stop with the sappy pet names, you’re lousy at them!”

Pinkie sighed as she and Dan reached the car and sat down inside. “Alright… it’s just… I just think…”

“Spit it out already!” Dan cried.

“Well… I think there’s another option you’re maybe, sorta, kinda ignoring here.”

Dan frowned. “I already told you my views on getting a new-new couch!”

Pinkie shook her head. “Not that! I’m fine with getting a couch we know can take a bit of a beating… But, weeell…”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Are you going to just tell me what you’re trying to say, or do I have to beat it out of you?!”

Pinkie sighed, “Alright here it goes…” She opened her sky-blue eyes wide as she looked at Dan. “Maybe we should try the Salvation Armed Forces.”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried as he threw up his arms and began emphatically waving them about.  “Are you out of your curly, pink-hair-covered mind?! I can’t go back there!”

“I know you had a bad run in with them, but—”

“‘Bad run in’?!” Dan cried in an irate, frustrated tone. “They stole my car!”

Pinkie nodded. “But you got it back! You also got revenge for them taking it!”

“Okay, but that doesn’t mean I’m eager to go back there and rekindle the flame! There’s good TV I need to watch!”

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, but it’s another night of us sharing the easy chair!”

Dan scrunched his eyebrows together. “I thought you liked getting all snuggly with me!”

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “I do, but I also miss laying on top of you while you watch TV.”

Dan’s face flushed as he placed his palms to his cheeks. “Gah! Stop using your adorable touchy-feely reasoning on me! Besides, we still have more Great Wills that are close enough!”

Pinkie nodded. “Sure, but what if Couchy 2 isn’t in any of those stores? What if Couchy 2 is waiting for us in a Salvation Armed Forces store right by our home and we’d never know because we hadn’t looked?”

Dan paused. “Huh… that’s uh… that’s actually a really sensible way of looking at it.”

Pinkie beamed.

“Alright, Goofball.” Dan smiled. “It’s time to brave muscular men who have been trained to fight with bells in search of our couch!”

“YAY!” Pinkie Cried excitedly.

‘EEEEEOOOEEEEOOOO…!’

Pinkie and Dan perked their heads up as the very familiar sound of sirens filled the air.

Dan started the car and pulled out of the parking spot. “And also flee another crime scene!”

Pinkie paused, shrugged, and cried “…Yay!”

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Chapter 110 Dan Vs. Disguises

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Chapter 110 Dan Vs. Disguises

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Chapter 110 Dan Vs. Disguises

-ooooooo-

Author’s notes: I somehow wrote a chapter that’s steamier than usual while these two weirdos look for a couch. Not sure if I even have a percentage of readers that would find this irksome if you’ve all gotten this far, but I figured I’d put a warning here anyhow.

-ooooooo-

Dan parked his red hatchback down the street from both the first ‘Great Will’ he and Pinkie had to flee due to Pinkie setting fire to a couch and the ‘Salvation Armed Forces’ store across from it. Dan scowled out at the green-and-brown-camo colored Salvation Armed Forces store with its red-overhang, his eyes narrowing further as he looked at the garage that had the words ‘DONATE YOUR VEHICLE HERE’ painted in white over red. His scowl turned to a glare as he spied a muscular man ringing a bell and wearing a military-style uniform- complete with medals and patches.

“I say we just go right up to him”— Dan pulled his lips up into a sneer as he held claw-like fingers in front of his chest—“AND TEAR OUT HIS LARYNX!”

Pinkie shot Dan a small knowing grin. “I think it’s a little early to resort to murder.”

 “You always say that!” Dan snapped back.

“Well, how often do we actually end up having to kill someone to get what we want when I do say it?”

Dan sighed and grumbled something softly under his breath.

Pinkie put a hand up to her ear as her smile widened. “Didn’t quite catch that.”

“I said ‘never’, alright!” Dan cried.

Pinkie nodded satisfactorily.

“Well, if we’re not just going to kill him, what do you propose we do?” Dan asked as he motioned out to the store.

“Alright, hear me out,” Pinkie said.

Dan rolled his eyes. “How often does that phrase start off anything good?”

Pinkie continued, “Now, this is going to sound crazy—”

“‘Regular crazy’ or crazy even by your standards?”

“Uh…” Pinkie stopped and thought about this. She frowned as she thought about this. “Crazy by my standards in that it would sound reasonable from a normal person’s point of view.”

“Ulg,” Dan uttered in disgust. “Normie tactics… Fine, continue.”

“I suggest we just walk into the store like a couple looking for a couch.”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried in disbelief. “Just walk in? No violence?”

“Dan!” Pinkie cried. “We should only resort to violence as a last resort!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Says the woman who set a couch on fire and detonated high explosives in a building today.”

Pinkie leaned closer to Dan as she flung her hands in the air. “That couch tried to give me lockjaw and that store looked like it wanted to do the same!” she cried in a shrill tone. Pinkie folded her arms. “Also, neither was violence carried out against a person.”

“Fine!” Dan huffed out. “Then why don’t we just blow a hole in the wall and enter from the side?!”

“We don’t even know if there’s a couch in there we want yet!” Pinkie replied. “It’s going to hard to make a decision if we’re fighting off trained members of the Salvation Armed Forces. I mean, he hit you multiple times with a bell, you sicced dogs on him. I’m sure we can at least try to call it squarezees here before we immediately attack him.”

“… But we will attack him if we have to, right?” Dan asked.

Pinkie sighed, “Oh Dan… Of course!”

Dan grinned. “Alright, you have a point.” He frowned. “But you don’t even want to wear a disguise, or anything?”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “Alright, forget what I said about just walking in. We should totally put on disguises first!”

Dan grinned. “That’s my girl.”

-oooooo-

The muscular man standing by The Salvation Armed Forces store briefly stopped ringing his bell and looked up. He smiled at the approaching couple. A smile that quickly gave way to a look of confusion as he examined them.

The male of the pair sported a mustache and was sharply dressed in a grey suit complete with a top hat, monocle, and cane. Wow, if this guy's trying to communicate he’s ‘well off’ through his clothing, then mission accomplished.

The woman was almost absolutely stunning with long, curly pink hai that cascaded over her right eye and down her back. She wore a strapless sparkling red dress that seemed to defy gravity as it hugged her chest and waist and flowed down her shapely thighs, covering her front and back. Two slits down the side showed off her legs as she walked forward on a pair of red high heels.  A pair of purple-arm-length gloves completed her ensemble. Ignoring the fact that her outfit didn’t exactly look like anything someone would walk around outside in, the only oddity about the woman was the black mustache under her nose.

“Uh… Welcome to the Salvation Armed Forces,” the muscular man said as the couple approached.

“Thank you, my good man,” the well-dressed male of the pair replied. “I am Mr. Moneybags,”—he motioned to the woman next to him—“and this is my wife, Jessica.”

‘Jessica’ held up a hand, the back facing up as she allowed her dainty fingers to dangle underneath. “Charmed, I’m sure” she said simply.

The muscular man took the gloved hand and gave it a little shake. “Uh, welcome…” Despite the bombshell of a woman in front of him. The Salvation Armed Forces worked couldn’t help but focus on the black mustache as he let go of the hand.

Mr. Moneybags chuckled. “She’s a vision, isn’t she? She won second prize in a beauty contest.”

“Uh… she’s a sight, alright…” The muscular man resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he added, “I can’t even imagine how she didn’t come in first…”

“DARLING!” Jessica exclaimed simply before she bent down and wrapped her arms around her husband.

The muscular man crinkled his brow slightly and turned back towards Mr. Moneybags. “What brings you two… uh to our fine establishment?”

“Couch hunting, my dear boi!” Mr. Moneybags replied. “Jessica and I are on the search for the finest couch money can buy, and our journey has taken us to your humble store.” Mr. Moneybags pointed to the Salvation Armed Forces store with his cane.

The muscular man knitted his brow and stared back at his store. ‘Humble’ seems about right… especially if these two actually have money to throw around…’ “Well uh… if you don’t mind me asking, what brings you here, specifically? I mean… certainly a man of your… stature could afford a new couch.”

Mr. Moneybags nodded. “Indeed, but such couches have not yet proven their worth. My wife and I and desire not only quality but durability as well.” Mr. Moneybags turned to Jessica. “Isn’t that right, dear?”

Jessica said nothing, apparently having lost focus on the conversation as grinned mischievously to herself and twirled her mustache.

Mr. Moneybags elbowed Jessica slightly. “Dear?!”

“OH! Erm…DARLING!” Jessica exclaimed again as she wrapped her arms around her husband.

“Oh… uh… I guess that makes sense…?” The employee replied, trailing off at the end. “Anyhow, I won’t keep you.” He motioned to the store with his bell. “Plenty of couches inside.”

“Thank you my good man, keep up the good work.” Mr. Moneybags said.

The muscular man saluted. “Thank you, sir!” He followed the couple with his eyes until they walked into the store and scratched the back of his head. There was something familiar about that man… If only I… He shrugged. Oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me.  He smiled as he went back to ringing his bell.

-ooo-

A bell rang as Dan pushed open the door to the store and he and Pinkie walked inside. Dan paid no mind to their unclean-looking surroundings, yellowing wall, and shelves and walls stacked high with miscellaneous used items. Instead, Dan focused his attention on Pinkie, glowing up at her with a sour expression on his face.

“What happened back there?!” Dan said in a demanding tone. “You almost blew our whole cover!”

“Sorry, Dan!” Pinkie offered. She giggled as she continued to twirl her mustache. “I just really like the feeling of wearing this mustache.”

“Be that as it may, would you take that thing off?!” Dan cried as he motioned to the mustache. “You’re drawing undue attention to yourself!”

Pinkie shook her head. “No way!” she cried. “I’d rather have guys stare at my mustache instead of my chest.” She grinned and wrung her hands together. “Besides, it helps me focus on our covert mission.”

Dan rolled his eyes as the couple walked into the store. Both he and Pinkie got their fair share of odd looks.

“All I’m saying is you have a perfectly good disguise and you’re wrecking it with an unnecessary addition!”

“But it makes me feel mischievous! The perfect accessory for our scheme.”

“Right, the high stakes game of buying a couch incognito,” Dan replied.

 “Ahh, don’t be like that!” Pinkie replied. “It’s not like we haven’t had lots of fun on this hunt!”

Dan sighed, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Pinkie paused and placed her a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Dan, what’s wrong?”

Dan shook his head. “Nothing! Let’s just take a look at their couches!”

Pinkie focused her sky-blue eyes on Dan’s emerald ones. “Don’t you try to ‘nothing’ me, mister! I may not be very good at figuring out when other people or ponies are upset, but I can at least tell when you are.”

Dan broke eye contact and mumbled something under his breath.

Pinkie frowned and leaned in closer. “Didn’t catch that…”

“… I really want to see you without that mustache.”

Pinkie pulled back slightly and raised an eyebrow. “Is that all?”

Dan nodded.

Pinkie pondered this briefly. “Weeeell… Okay!” she said with a smile. Pinkie pulled the mustache off and placed her hands on her hips. “There!”

The shop went quiet as almost every pair of male eyes and even a couple women’s all turned and focused their attention on Pinkie.

Pinkie sighed. “See! I told you everyone would stare!”

“Pinkie, please put the mustache back on,” Dan said as his usually pale cheeks began to turn red.

Pinkie folded her arms under her chest, which did absolutely nothing to stop the staring as she accidently added support to her bosom. “Why?! I thought you wanted me to take it off!”

“I did!” Dan cried. “However now that it’s off, I’m fighting the urge to ravish you in public.”

Pinkie’s already lightly pink cheeks turned a couple shades pinker as she leaned down, placed her glove-covered hands on Dan’s cheeks and kissed him on the lips. “Awwww, you’re sweet.”

A jealous murmur rose up through the store as, in addition to the kiss, Pinkie’s position offered Dan a perfect view down her dress.

Dan’s eye twitched. “Urge to ravish you rising!”

A mischievous grin spread across Pinkie’s face. She pulled Dan’s face closer to her chest as she leaned her head next to his.

Dan’s blush turned luminescent. “Pinkie, what are you—”

Pinkie’s lips brushed against Dan’s as she spoke in a low, husky voice, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way…”

Dan’s eyes shot open wide as he felt heat shoot through his body. “You have three seconds to get that mustache back on before I take you in front of this gawking mass of thrift store shoppers.”

“Eeep!” Pinkie cried as she broke her hold on Dan and quickly reapplied the mustache. “Better?”

Dan took a deep breath. “Aside from the fact that I’m going to be consumed with lust until we sort this out, much. Now let’s see if we can find a couch to bring home so I can throw you on it.”

Pinkie giggled as she began to walk off into the store. “Works for me, now let’s—”

Without warning, Dan quickly grabbed hold of one of Pinkie’s shoulders and closed the distance between himself and Pinkie until he was pressed against her posterior.

“Ah! Dan what are you…” Pinkie paused as she felt something hard press against her. “Oh…” she uttered as realization set in. Pinkie giggled. “Is that your cane, or are you just happy to—”

“You know what it is!” Dan growled out quietly.

“Hehehe… Do I know how to pick disguises, or what?”

“You have no one to blame but yourself, you know…” Dan muttered in a mildly embarrassed tone.

 “Teehee…That was the plan, to give you a bone—OW!” Pinkie felt a sharp pinch on her neck courtesy of Dan tightening his grip briefly. Pinkie paused and continued, “…And you got one!” she said with a manic grin.

Dan began to speak in a low, grumbly tone as his face remained beet red, “You’re getting off on messing with me like this, aren’t you?”

Pinkie turned to her left to look at Dan over her shoulder and held up her hand, holding her thumb and forefinger a short distance from each other to signify ‘a little bit’.

Dan sighed quietly as he began to speak, “What happened to reeling in our displays of public affection?”

“I don’t know…” Pinkie said as she looked down at her outfit. “I’m not normally dressed like this...” Pinkie paused and rubbed the end of her mustache in her thumb and forefinger. “…Or wearing this mustache.”

The couple walked a little further into the store, Dan keeping himself firmly pressed against Pinkie. As the two neared the furniture section, Pinkie gasped. “Dan! Are you seeing what I’m seeing?!”

“If what you’re seeing is the perfect Couchy 2, then yes… yes I am seeing that.”

“Oh my gosh, Dan!” Pinkie cried as she bounded forward on her high heels to a simple red couch on a wooden frame. “Couchy had a twin!”

 Dan smiled and nodded. “And it’ll match the easy chair!”

“Hurray for status quo being restored!” Pinkie cried. “Could you imagine if something so central to our way of living was destroyed and we had to replace it with something completely new?! I mean, that would be tragic!”

Dan frowned. “Now we have to figure out a way to get it home.”

Pinkie turned and held both Dan’s hands in her own. “Oooo! Oooo! Maybe we could strap it to the top of the car!” she suggested.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Are you kidding? The car has trouble going uphill if there’s four of us in it!”

“Hmmm…” Pinkie hummed as she looked around the store. “You know… there’s probably enough material here that I’m sure I could make some sort of rocket sled to get the couch home…”

Dan frowned. “You already used a great deal of our explosives.”

“Oh shoot!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You’re right. Well, gyrocopter then...”

“But I’d have to drive the car back and miss out on gyrocopter couch adventures!” Dan wined.

“Awww,” Pinkie uttered as she smiled behind her mustache. “I’m sure Couchy 2 and I wouldn’t have too much fun before we got home!”

Dan sighed, “Oh… alrigh—”

“YOU!”

Dan and Pinkie jumped slightly and turned as the muscular man that was in front of the store walked up to them at a brisk pace. “I thought I recognized you.”

Dan and Pinkie tensed up as the man stopped a few feet away.

“Uh… you did?” Dan asked.

The man nodded with a serious expression.

Dan forward and whispered to Pinkie, “Get ready for a rumble…”

Pinkie frowned and glanced down. “I do not rate the chances of this dress holding in place as very high…”

The man suddenly smiled. “You’re the guy from Conglomerate!”

Dan and Pinkie paused, looked at each other, and smiled as their bodies relaxed.

Dan returned to his old money voice as he spoke, “You’ve got me dead to rights there, boi!”

The muscular man grinned. “I thought that was you!” He looked around the store. “Here, let me find a copy of the game and a pen. There’s always a copy in the game sect—”

“What the heck is going on here?!” A forceful feminine voice called out.

The muscular man snapped to attention as a female employee with chin-length auburn hair approached. Like her fellow employee, she wore a military-style uniform.

“Sir!” The muscular man replied. “We have a celebrity in our store!” he said as he motioned to Dan.

The woman looked Dan over with a quizzical expression. “… The Conglomerate guy?”

Dan bowed. “Mr. Moneybags at your service.”

“Sir!” The muscular man said. “I was just about to get an autograph, sir!”

The woman cocked an eyebrow at her fellow Salvation Armed Forces employee then turned back to Dan. “But Mr. Moneybags isn’t real! He’s just a mascot!”

Dan, Pinkie, and the muscular man all gasped.

Dan was the first to speak. “How dare you, madam?! You’re lucky I don’t buy this block right now and convert it to houses, or a hotel even!”

“Uh… with all due respect, sir…” the muscular man said to his commanding employee. “You might want to tread lightly, I’m sure he could do it…”

The woman rolled her eyes. “Is that mustache even real?!”

Pinkie immediately began to tear up. “Alright! You got me!” she cried. “It’s a fake mustache!” Pinkie took off her own mustache. “I’m a fraud!”A fountain of tears began to shoot out from Pinkie’s eyes.“WHOUAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAA!”

‘Mr. Moneybags’ motioned out to his ‘wife’, “There! Are you satisfied!? You’ve made my beautiful wife distraught with inadequacy.”

“Not her!” the woman cried. In one swift motion she grabbed the end of Dan’s mustache and quickly pulled it right off of him, the adhesive substance on it attempting to cling to his lip.

‘Rrrrrrriiiiiiiippp!’

“OW!” Dan exclaimed as he reached up to his upper lip that had turned red.

“HIM!” the woman cried accusingly as she pointed at Dan.

The muscular man gasped. “YOU! You’re the one who attacked me with dogs.”

“Hey!” Dan said in a protesting tone. “I just released the dogs! It’s not my fault they attacked you…” Dan paused and grinned. “…Not that it wasn’t the outcome I was hoping for…”

The man raised his bell high. “Oh I’m going to enjoy—”

Pinkie quickly inserted herself between the two men. “Hey now! Alright, we’re not who we said we were, but we just put these on for fun! We just want to buy this couch, get it home somehow, and erm…” Pinkie paused redness entered her cheeks. “…start enjoying it…”

The muscular man felt his resolve crumble as he stared down at Pinkie. “Uh… well… I guess…”

“FOCUS, SOLDIER!” The female employee snapped. She motion to Dan. “This man led a team made up of our sworn enemy, Great Will employees. Which he used to steal a car from us, and you were in the hospital for weeks after that vicious dog attack.”

A stern expression suddenly rooted itself on the muscular man’s face. “Right.”

“Oh, come on!” Dan cried. “I only took my car back because you stole it in the first place!”

“You parked it in the vehicle donation spot!” The muscular man cried.

“Well how was I supposed to know that?!” Dan cried angrily as he motioned with his hand emphatically.

“There’s a sign as big as the garage that reads ‘DONATE YOUR VEHICLE HERE’ right there!”

Dan folded his arms and blew a dismissive gust of air. “Pffft… Anyone could have missed that!”

The muscular man narrowed his eyes and motioned towards the front of the store, where a sign hung that read ‘WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE’.

Dan furrowed his brow. “Seriously?! We walk in as paying customers—“

“Disguised paying customers!” the man interrupted. “You tried to purchase this couch under false pretenses!”

Dan furrowed his brow. “Who cares!? The couch is up for sale! We’re buying!”

The muscular man narrowed his eyes further and leaned down, placing his face inches from Dan’s. “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

“Hey, buddy!” Dan said as he leveled in index finger. “The Department of Homeland Security is still debating if I deserve to be labeled a terrorist or not!”

“You’re an enemy of The Salvation Armed Forces.” The muscular man shook his head. “So no couch.”

Dan sighed. “We don’t have time for this…” He stepped back and pointed at the man. “Pinkie, attack!”

Pinkie looked down at her outfit, frowned, and shook her head. “Sorry Dan…”

“WHAT!?” Dan cried. “But…”

Pinkie closer to Dan and whispered into his ear, “Do you want this dress to fall off of me while I fight it out with that guy, or would you rather take it off yourself?” Pinkie smirked and added, “…Or just leave it on… either is fine with me…”

Dan’s eyes went wide as his cheeks went red. He looped his arm around Pinkie’s as the couple did a quick about face. Pinkie and Dan began marching towards the store’s exit.

“This isn’t over!” Dan cried as he held his index finger high in the air. “We’ll be back and dressed for battle! Mark my words!”

“And we’ll be…” The muscular man trailed off as his drifted downwards to Pinkie’s shapely posterior as the back of her dress shifted back and forth rhythmically, showing off one leg followed by the next. “…We’ll be… uh…”

“Ready?!” the female employee suggested in an irritated tone of voice.

“…Right!” the muscular man cried as he stood back up to his full height.

A bell rang as the door to the store opened then quickly closed.

“ …Ready!” the muscular man shouted as he rang his bell menacingly.

“They already left the store,” the female employee said in an unamused tone of voice with an equally unamused expression on her face.

The muscular man slumped his shoulders, his bell making a quiet, sad ring as it did. “I know, sir…”

Long were shadows cast from Dan and Pinkie as they walked back to the red hatchback and the sun in front of the pair grew lower in the sky.  Despite the setting sun sitting almost directly in front of the couple, Dan ignore the harsh glare on his eyes and simply looked up at Pinkie with a wide grin as the couple walked back towards the car.

“So…” Dan began, “home, then we scheme?”

Pinkie giggled. “Music to my ears…” She grinned. “You want the mustache on, or off?”

Dan frowned and narrowed his eyes slightly. “Off please,” he replied.

Pinkie grinned as she put her mustache back on. “Too bad.”

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Chapter 112 Sunset Shimmer Vs. Love Tap

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Chapter 112 Sunset Shimmer Vs. Love Tap

-ooooooo-

Amber’s eyelids slowly opened as she drifted back into consciousness. She was vaguely aware of someone holding her up and someone else holding her arm. Oh, no! The fight! I’ve got to—

‘Kkkkcchhh’

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”Amber cried out as she felt a sharp pain in her left shoulder. Her eyes shot open wide from the pain. She quickly noticed she was being held up by Elise as Chris held her left arm out straight. “Elise? Chris…? What are you two doing?!”

“Sorry Amber,” Chris said, “but it’s best to relocate your shoulders as soon as possible.”

Elise nodded in agreement.

Amber sighed as she looked out into the empty ring. “Guess that means I lost…”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “Did you honestly think you had a chance?”

“I was wearing her down!” Amber protested as Chris moved to her other side.

Elise rolled her eyes. “Riiiight… The ol’ ‘lure them into a false sense of security by letting them dislocate both my shoulders and humiliate me for minutes on end' gambit!”

Amber just scowled out into open space and said nothing.

“You know,” Chris piped up, “I think Dan’s used that one a few times…” Chris suddenly pulled hard on Amber’s arm.

‘Kkkkcchhh’

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”Amber cried.

Chris pulled a corner of his lips up and raised an eyebrow as he thought about this. “Funny thing, Dan’s stubborn enough that I think he actually made it work…”

Amber stepped forward out of Elise’s grasp, turned, and glared at Chris as she let her arms dangle loosely. “Could you maybe warn me before you do that?!”

“I’ve found it’s less of an ordeal if you don’t see it coming,” Chris replied. “At least, it’s that way with Dan and Pinkie.”

Elise spoke up, “I’m just surprised you didn’t go into crazy rage mode during that whole thing.”

Amber pulled her lips to one side. “I can’t just switch it on, you know! Maybe if that girl had started littering or had a few hours to drive me crazy in a group therapy session…”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Hey, are you still mad about that?! You were unhappy in your old job anyway!” Elise motioned to herself and Chris. “If it weren’t for all of us showing up, you’d still be a councilor binging on herbal-tea and squeezing a stress ball into an unrecognizable mass of rubber!”

Amber sighed. “Yes, and now I work for a bakery where getting suplexed by vengeance-hungry customers is apparently an occupational hazard!”

“You know,” a feminine voice said, “you really shouldn’t step into the ring if a dislocated shoulder is all it takes for you to be out of the fight.”

Amber scowled out at the source of the voice, a woman with a long brown ponytail who expertly wrapped her hands and wrists in hand wrap. A small boy in a green hoodie stood next to her, his attention focused on a handheld gaming device in his hands that emitted a series of beeps and constant music.

“Sorry, Amber right?” The woman chuckled and smiled. “Gibson’s told me soooo much about you,” she said while rolling her eyes.

“Hey,” Chris said, “how come you knew who Amber was but you didn’t know my name?”

The woman smirked. “Gibson only talks about the pretty girls he works with.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Now why doesn’t that surprise me?”

“Moooom!” Gibson called in a protesting tone as he walked up. “Don’t tell her that!”

Gibson’s mom rolled her eyes. “Oh like you have a chance with any of them. All your female coworkers are either in relationships already, or way, way above dating a teenager!”

“But I’m in a band!” Gibson whined. “Chicks dig bands!”

Amber cocked an eyebrow. “Your mom’s got a point you know. It’s only because of her bottomless well of happiness and a strong desire for friendship that Pinkie gives anyone but Dan the time of day. D.H. is happily married with a daughter. As for me, I think you’d at least need to write a thesis paper in something before I even come close to considering you as a romantic process.”

Gibson narrowed his eyes slightly. “Amber, why must you be the screen-door on my submarine?”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Just making sure you don’t set your sights too high.” Amber refocused her gaze on Gibson. “Look! Go ask wrestler girl for a date if you want a pretty girl so bad! She seems chummy enough with you!”

Gibson sighed. “That’s purely fight-related business. She said she doesn’t date musicians anymore, something about her last boyfriend declaring his hatred for her and leaving her to freeze to death in a skating rink.”

Elise chuckled. “Hehe… Yeah, good times…”

Gibson’s mom put a comforting, wrapped hand on Gibson’s shoulder. “Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. You’ll find someone soon enough,” she said with a smile.

Gibson motioned with his clipboard to his younger brother. “You mean like squirt here?” he asked in a mildly irritated tone.

Gibson’s mom shrugged as her eyes widened slightly. “I don’t know why your brother is constantly surrounded by girls! I doubt he knows why either or has even took notice of it!”

Button hit a button on his device and its beeps suddenly went quiet. He looked up and glanced around him. “Wait, what?”

His mother shook her head. “Never mind, sweetie. For your sake, you’re probably better off not figuring any of this out for a few more years.”

“Oh…” Button said in an unsure tone. “Well… okay!” he said cheerfully before he returned to his game.

From across the ring, Sunset Shimmer hopped into the ring and started walking towards the center. “Hey! Are we going to do this?” She smirked. “Or do you need some more time to say goodbye to your family before we fight?”

Gibson’s mom looked up with a glare and flexed her fists hard, causing her knuckles to crack. “Oh it is on like Donkey Kong!”

Button chuckled quietly to himself at his mom’s comment.

Elise looked over at Gibson as his mom lifted a rope and stepped into the ring.

“You still taking bets?” Elise asked.

Gibson shrugged. “Fight hasn’t started yet.”

Elise quickly dug a wallet out of her pocket and produced a wad of bills. “100 dollars on your mom!”

“Elise!” Chris cried. “You already lost 50 on Amber!”

“Hey!” Amber cried in protest.

Elise handed Gibson her money. “What?!” Elise protested. “I was betting on you!”

“Yeah, but you bet more on her!” Amber said as she motioned out to Gibson’s mother.

Elise shrugged. “Sorry, but I have a better feeling about her.” She paused and added, “Besides, I’ve seen you fight.”

Amber sighed. “I guess you have a point...”

“Uh… mom?” Gibson said tentatively. “Not to put any pressure on you, but please win. There’s alot more bets for Sunset Shimmer.”

Gibson’s mom waved a dismissive hand. “Pffft, like I care what people are spending their money on. I just need to get you two home for dinner.”

Sunset Shimmer tapped her foot impatiently. “Tonight would be good!” she cried.

“KEEP YOUR BRA ON!” Gibson’s mom shot back. She turned back to her youngest son. “Button, dearie?”

“Yeah, mom?” Button replied without looking up from his game.

Gibson’s mom crossed her arms and grabbed the bottom of her long-sleeved sweater. In one swift movement the sweater was off, revealing a plain tan bra underneath that kept the well-endowed woman’s bosom in place. A series of cheers and whistles erupted through the crowd as well as the occasional gasp. She gently draped her sweater over her son’s shoulder.

“Keep mommy’s sweater clean, alright?”

Button nodded as he continued to look down at his game. “Sure, mom.”

Sunset’s eyes were wide and her confident grin had retreated behind a concerned expression. She was amongst the few who had gasped. A large tattoo of part of a poem occupied the majority of her opponents back. Though, the woman’s bra strap obscured some of the words, Sunset already knew the piece by heart. As the words recited in her head, her blood ran cold and any thoughts that this would be an easy fight gave her a loving farewell before passing into the night.

‘The earthquake came, and rocked the quivering wall

And men and nature reeled as if with wine.

Whom did I seek around the tottering hall?

For thee. Whose safety first provide for? Thine’

Sunset inhaled as her opponent approached and exhaled with the words, “… Love Tap…”

Sunset’s opponent chuckled. “It’s been a while since anyone’s called me that…” Love Tap smirked and rolled her eyes. “I’m guessing that poem is still hanging up in the gym, gaudy frame and all.”

Sunset narrowed her eyes and widened her stance as she held her hands out in front of her. “The frame's a bit tarnished and old at this point.” Sunset pointed an index finger out. “Much like the woman who has the tattoo of the poem in the frame.”

Love Tap whistled as she raised her fists in front of her face. “Well you’re a feisty one. Still, if you know who I am, I’m guessing you’re having second thoughts. You know there’s still time for you to back out. I just came here to pick up my son. I have nothing to prove.”

The slightest hints of a smile appeared on Sunset’s face. “Sounds to me like someone else is having second thoughts. If you’re so eager to get out of this, why don’t you just give up now?”

Love Tap shook her head. “Aside from never backing down once I’m in the ring, that lovely maroon-haired woman would just be next and my son would run around dealing with bets again, and I need to get both my sons home for dinner.”

Sunset’s eyes widened slightly and her confident smile found itself back to her face once more. “Listen to you! The legendary Love Tap talking about her sons and dinner. The once respected and feared KO queen of the ring is now worried about her kids getting there three squares a day.” Sunset’s wide grin turned full on devilish as she looked at her opponent with ready, hungry eyes and widened her stance. “It’d be funny if it weren’t so pathetic.” She closed her smiling lips and cocked her head slightly. “Oh, what the heck, I’ll laugh anyway! HaHaHaHaHaHaHaa!”

Love Tap just smiled softly and shrugged her shoulders. “Believe what you want, but this is your last chance. If you still want to fight, I’ll be more than happy to put you to bed.” Love Tap’s expression suddenly went serious. “I’m afraid I won’t put you down as gently as you did your opponent.”

“Pfft! In your dreams!” Sunset said dismissively.

Love Tap chuckled darkly and shook her head. “Believe me, I won’t be the one dreaming…”

Chris leaned over to his wife as the two watched from the edge of the ring. “Is there always this much back-and-forth banter at these fights?”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “How would I know?”

Chris shrugged. “I thought martial arts was sort of your thing.”

“Well sure, for my job!” Elise replied. “It’s not like I find myself in semi-impromptu street brawls all the time!”

Amber glanced at Elise. “You know, despite your lengthy questionnaire you filled out, I still don’t know what you do for a living.”

Elise gave Amber a serious look. “I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

Amber rolled her yes. “Ha Ha,” she said sarcastically. “You’re very funny.”

Chris spoke up, “Uh, I’m pretty sure Elise is serious.”

Elise nodded. “Technically there’s a few people I should already kill at this point. I just like them or their friends and significant others too much to do that.”

Chris let out a nervous “Eeeeeeeee…” as he stared out into the ring.

Amber shot the couple a confused look. “Oh… I see…”

“WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP?!” Gibson snapped. “I kinda have a lot riding on this fight!”

“Sorry…” Elise, Chris, and Amber uttered quietly.

Chris spoke up, “I’m sure your mom will be fine.”

“Huh?” Gibson replied as he looked up from the wad of cash in his hand. “Oh right…”

“Wait…” Button uttered as he looked up from his game. “Mom’s doing what, now?” Button’s portable device suddenly emitted a series of sad sounding tones. Button immediately looked down, “AHHHH! NO MY LAST LIFE!” Button wailed.

Gibson rolled his eyes. “Just keep on playing, squirt…”

In the center of the ring, the two would-be combatants continued trading barbs. “… Seriously though…” Sunset continued. “Years of retirement and you just think—WHOA!” she cried as a fist came sailing towards her. She quickly raised her hands and blocked, but the force from the blow sent the back of her hands into her face. She took a few quick steps back and widened her stance again as she focused on her opponent.

“Bored now,” Love Tap uttered. “And you’re pushing my youngest’s bedtime back at this point…” Love Tap quickly threw her weight back into the right side of her body and took a few steps into striking range.

Sunset shifted her weight back as she prepared to block and pounce, but Love Tap’s left hand quickly flew out and jabbed her in the face. The momentary stun was enough that Love Tap’s right hand also slipped through her opponent’s defenses.

‘POW!’

Sunset Shimmer suddenly saw stars as she felt a heavy impact on the side of her head.  She threw up her arms again to protect her and tried taking a few steps back, but her opponent was unrelenting. Painful punches rained down upon Sunset as she attempted to put some distance between herself and her opponent.

Not good… Sunset thought. She’s keeping me at arm’s length. At this rate I’ll be too dizzy to fight… or worse. I’ll have to risk another lunge…

Sunset quickly shifted her weight back then leapt at her opponent, arms spread wide.

-ooo-

A tall, thin Salvation Armed Forces employee, with close cropped military-style hair quickly slammed on the brakes to his van. His headlights caught someone jumpng out into the road and waving their arms about.

As his vehicle came to a stop he quickly turned off the ignition, undid his seatbelt, and threw open the door. He jumped out with an angry, flustered expression. “What the heck are you doing jumping into the road like that all in black?! I could have hit you!”

Dan smirked. “Just trying to get your attention and get you out of the van.”

The tall man’s eyes widened slightly as he took another look at Dan’s clothing. He smacked a palm against his face. “… Rookie mistake…” he muttered to himself.

Before the tall man could do anything else, a thin, pink-nail-polished hand holding a rag reached out from behind him and clamped the rag to his nose and mouth. He clawed at the rag briefly before his body went slack. The person behind him slowly lowered his unconscious body to the ground.

Dan smiled and walked back to the sidewalk to retrieve his baseball bat.

“Wheeee!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It’s kind of fun to be on the giving end of chloroform for a change…” Pinkie giggled a little darkly to herself. “Hehehehe… I feel all warm and fuzzy and powerful inside...” Pinkie’s happy expression widened to something a bit wild as she held up a green bottle marked ‘chloroform’. She stared at it and caressed it. “Hehehehehe… It’s like this green bottle of liquid suddenly gives me control over who gets to stay awakee-bakee and who has to go beddy-bye!”

Dan flashed Pinkie a concerned look. “We can explore your newly discovered feelings for knocking out unsuspecting cogs of the thrift store army later,” he said as he walked up to the unconscious man on the ground. “Now help me get this uniform off of him.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she sat down the bottle.

Dan set down his bat and the couple quickly went about stripping the fallen Salvation’s Armed Forces employee. As Dan pulled off the man’s military-style green jacket he held it up and frowned. He held the jacket up at shoulder height; the jacket dangled far down below his waist and to his knees. “Huh… we may have a small impediment here.”

“That’s okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “I think I can fake a lisp!”

“Not a speech impediment, you idiot!” Dan cried. “I don’t think these clothes will fit either of us!”

There was the sound of a zipper being undone as Pinkie came up with a pair of pants that she held up by the leg cuffs. She looked at the long, narrow trousers carefully then looked back towards Dan. “Maybe that bug guy won’t notice!”

“What?! But he…” Dan trailed off as he thought about this further. He placed an index finger to his chin. “Well… he certainly would have bought our earlier disguises if it weren’t for his meddling commanding officer… er… manager…”

Pinkie nodded as she struggled to get the pants up over her black, skin-tight suit. “See Dan! We still have a workable plan!” Pinkie grunted forcefully as she pulled the tight pants over her shapely hips. She puffed out her cheeks and sucked in her stomach as she attempted to zip the pants up. After a few strained attempts she stared at Dan with a sheepish grin. “Uh… Can you help zip up my pants?”

Dan grumbled irritably and set down the shirt he was holding, he reached down to Pinkie’s zipper and attempted to help her force it. He also made several strained attempts as Pinkie tried to keep the pants closed.

“Come on Dan!” Pinkie cheered on. “You can do it! I believe in you!”

“Give me a break, okay!” Dan cried. “I have a lot of experience undressing you and only a little bit of helping you get dressed!” He fumbled around with the zipper a little more then threw his hands up in frustration. “Ghah! This isn’t working!”

“Hey!” Pinkie cried. “Maybe if I take off my sneak suit first I’ll have an easier time putting this on!”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “You really think changing out of those skin tight clothes will work?”

“Every little bit helps!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she gathered up the clothes and walked behind the van.

-ooo-

Sunset Shimmer grinned widely to herself as she stood above her fallen opponent. Love Tap laid on her side in a heap at Sunset’s boots. The brown-haired woman’s eyes were closed. Sunset nudged the once-proud fighter with her foot and Love Tap’s limp body flopped upright.

Love Tap remained motionless on the ground.

“Sunset Shimmer wins!” Gibson announced from the side of the ring.

 The crowd cheered her name over and over again with a few throwing in the odd, “We love you, Sunset Shimmer!” Some even tossed roses into the ring.

Sunset smiled to herself and threw her hands out wide as she reveled in the cheers and her victory. I did it! She put up quite the fight, but my superior skills won out in the end! And now everyone knows I’m the best!

“Sunset!” a masculine voice called.

Sunset looked up as a man with blue hair ran up. He was wearing a black jacket with a white-and-red stripe going across the center, a t-shirt with a blue shield adorned with a lightning bolt emblem, jeans, and black sneakers.

“Hello Flash,” Sunset said with a grin. “Have you come to beg for forgiveness?”

Flash nodded and stared deeply into Sunset’s bright-emerald-green eyes with his sapphire blue ones. He reached out for Sunset’s hands and took them in his own. “I was wrong to ever leave you!” he said earnestly. “When I saw your brutal fight-winning ‘delayed vertical suplex’ I knew I had to ask that you take me back!”

Sunset chuckled. “Alright, but you have to do everything I say when I say it!”

Flash nodded again and smiled. “Of course! You always know what’s best anyhow! I don’t know what came over me!”

“Sunset Shimmer!” a feminine voice called out. Sunset turned again to see a girl with long, curly pink hair bound up in a white-and-red striped shirt and rolled up jeans. The woman held up a trophy topped with a golden pair of figure skaters atop of it.

Pinkie held up the trophy with a grin. “I’ve come to give you this trophy! You earned it, not me!”

Sunset nodded and accepted the trophy. “Well that’s certainly true.”

Pinkie continued, “And even though I realize I’m not worthy to even look at you, I wanted to bask in your presence.”

Sunset chuckled. “Of course.”

Pinkie beamed. “Also, I wanted to tell you that you’re objectively better than me at everything and in every conceivable way!” Pinkie added. She bent down and came up with a pink and white double-layered cake. “Also, I made you this cake!”

‘VoooRRRRR, voooRRR, voooRRR!’

Sunset looked up at the sound of an engine revving loudly.

“And here’s a new motorcycle for no reason!” Flash said as he motioned to a brand new-looking red-and-yellow motorcycle that had driven into the ring.

Sunset’s smile widened as she let the cheers of the crowd wash over her.

“Sunset Shimmer… Sunset Shimmer… Sunset Shimmer…”

“Sunset Shimmer… Sunset Shimmer…” Sunset murmured to herself as she laid on the blue mat, her eyes closed, and a small trickle of drool escaping from her smiling mouth. The shadow of a single, shapely figure was cast over her.  The crowed was a mixture of cheers, boos, and disappointed murmurs. The light above her was suddenly obscured further as shadows from a small group of people joined the other.

Amber, Elise, Chris, Gibson and even Button had walked up. Button still had his mother’s sweater draped over his shoulder and continued to stare down at his portable video game system.

“So… Uh…” Gibson leaned down and took his mother’s sweater off his brother’s shoulder and handed it to Love Tap. He nudged Sunset with his foot a few times.

“Sunset Shimmer… Sunset Shimmer…”

“Should we call an ambulance, or something?” Gibson asked.

Love Tap put her sweater back on, accompanied with a few more boos from the crowd. “She’ll be fine! She’ll have some very pleasant dreams and probably wake up with a splitting headache. Nothing to worry about. Now go hand out people’s winnings! It’s late enough as it is.”

Gibson chuckled. “It’s a pretty small list…”

Elise held out a hand expectedly and Gibson happily peeled some bills from his wad of money and handed them over. He then walked out towards the end of the ring.

“How’d you take her out so fast, anyhow?” Chris asked.

“I did some bareknuckle boxing to get through college,” Love Tap said with a small grin as she started to unwrap her hands.

“Oh really?” Amber said in an interested tone. “What was your major?”

“Child psychology,” Love Tap answered. Love Tap looked down at her son. “Now Button, I want you to forget everything you saw here tonight.”

“Forget what?” Button replied without looking up.

“Good boy!”

-ooo-

“How do I look?” Pinkie asked as she bounded out from behind the van.

Dan looked Pinkie up and down, finding his eyes got a bit stuck once they hit her chest level a second time. The green slacks Pinkie was wearing hugged her legs tightly. He wasn’t sure if she had managed to zip them up and button them, but the length of her white shirt and jacket made that somewhat irrelevant as they both hung well below her waist. Higher up on her body, it was obvious Pinkie was unable to get either the shirt or jacket to close around her chest. Her cleavage and the sides of a pink frilly bra was exposed, her voluptuous chest being supported more than usual thanks to the clothes that were tightly buttoned right under her bosom.

Dan shook his head and quickly fought through the momentarily haze of seeing is girlfriend in ill-fitting, but strangely alluring clothing.  “Distracting,” he answered.

Pinkie beamed wide.

“Alright, this might just work,” Dan said with a mischievous grin. Dan bent down and picked up his baseball bat. “I bet that stupid bell ringer gets preoccupied by your sexy body and doesn't even notice anything’s amiss!”

“Yay!” Pinkie said enthusiastically as she threw her arms into the air. She suddenly paused as she thought of Dan’s words. “Wait… what?”

Dan continued as his grin widened from mischievous to wicked, “Now I’ll go hide in the back. You drive the van up, and when that goon opens up the back, I’ll rush him and smash him in the skull with a baseball bat!” Dan growled out as he swung his baseball bat down on an imaginary target, the bat making a loud ‘Whoosh!’ as it sailed through the air.

Pinkie pursed her lips. “When who drives the van up?!”

“YOU, OF COURSE!” Dan cried.

“Dan, I don’t know how to drive!” Pinkie exclaimed as she motioned to herself.

Dan’s eyes went wide as he considered this. “Oh… right…” He walked up to Pinkie, put an arm around her shoulder, and motioned out down the streetlight-lined road. “Look! All you need to do is keep the van straight while you go down the road and not crash into anything! Can you do that?”

Pinkie looked down the end of the road and then looked back at Dan. “I absolutely cannot do that.”

Dan nodded. “Yes, and it was a little stupid of me to even ask,” he admitted.  Dan walked over to the van and opened the driver side. He motioned to the open door. “Get in.”

Pinkie gave Dan an unsure look as she climbed onto the driver’s side seat of the van. To her surprise, Dan climbed in after her, but crawled into the small space in between the seat in the dashboard. He positioned his back against the dashboard.

Pinkie spread her legs as far as her tight pants would allow to give Dan as much room as possible. Dan stared up at Pinkie from between her knees.

“Alright,” Dan began, “I’ll work the accelerator, brakes, and steering wheel from down here. You’ll have to call out when I need to adjust our speed or heading.”

Pinkie looked down at the face between her legs with a goofy grin. “This plan keeps getting better and better!” she declared.

Dan rolled his eyes and turned to face the dashboard of the van. “Get your head in the game, Goofball.” He placed a hand up on the steering wheel and turned the ignition to the van, causing the engine to come to life. “You can put it back in the gutter after we liberate Couchy 2.”

“Still best couple’s outing to get a couch eveeeer~!” Pinkie announced cheerfully.

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Chapter 113 Dan & Pinkie Vs. The Salvation Armed Forces

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Chapter 113 Dan & Pinkie Vs. The Salvation Armed Forces

-oooooo-

Author’s notes: After watching part of a Dan Vs. episode, I saw that ‘Conglomerate’ is Dan’s world’s equivalent to ‘Monopoly’. As such, I’ll probably go back at some point and change any instance of ‘Monopoly’ to ‘Conglomerate’ and instances of ‘Mr. Pennybags’ to ‘Mr. Moneybags’.

-oooooo-

With a ‘Smack!’ and an “Oof!” Pinkie hit her face against the driver’s side window as The Salvation Armed Forces van lurched right as it barreled down the streetlight-lit street. Her military hat fell to the floor below. Pinkie quickly bent down to retrieve it.

“Dangit, Goofball!” Dan cried as he snatched the hat and held it up. “Keep your eyes on the road!”

“Sorry, Dan!” Pinkie said as she grabbed her hat and put it back atop her curly pink hair. Her eyes went wide as she looked back at the road. “LEFT!” she cried in a desperate tone.

Dan quickly pulled the steering wheel left. The van lurched again at the sudden shift in direction and the bat at Dan’s feet rolled around on the floor. A series of thuds and the sound of glass breaking was heard from the back as the contents of the back of the van shifted.

Dan frowned. “Glad I’m not back there… someone’s secondhand scorpion farm or collection of hot vapor firing beetles are probably loose now.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “People donate some pretty scary things.”

Dan shrugged. “I’m sure someone out there could use a few beetles that shoot hot gasses out of their abdomens.”

Pinkie looked out into the road again. “Now right in a leftway fashion!” she cried.

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!” Dan cried as he spun the wheel the other direction.

“Just… hold it steady!” Pinkie cried. “BRAKE!”

Dan quickly removed his right foot from the accelerator and slammed hard on the brake. The van came to a sudden stop causing Dan to hit his forehead against the bottom of the dashboard and Pinkie to hit her forehead against the to of it. Pinkie’s hat fell off once more.

Dan held up the hat and rubbed his forehead. “There has to have been blind pirates who were better navigators than you!”

Pinkie quickly snatched her hat and glanced down and put an index finger up to her lips. “Shhh-shhh-shhhh-shhhhh!” She looked up through the driver’s side window and grinned a wide, toothy smile pensively, her body frozen in place.

“Why the heck are you just sitting there and grinning like the idiot you are?” Dan demanded quietly from the floor of the van.

Pinkie glanced down as she maintained her giant smile. “There’s no roller thingamajig,” Pinkie said through clenched teeth. “I don’t know how to roll down the window…”

Dan scowled up at Pinkie and lifted a hand. He then stabbed his index finger into a button on the side of the door and the window began to lower down.

“Ooooooooh!” Pinkie uttered as the window receded into the door. “The future is so fancy-shmancy!”

Dan glared up angrily. “I’M SORRY IF MY CAR WAS FROM A MORE CIVILIZED AGE WHERE MEN CONTROLLED THE CLIMATE OF THEIR VEHICLES USING THEIR VERY MUSCLES!”

Pinkie frantically waved her hands about and shushed Dan. “Shhh-shhhhhh-shhhh-shhhhh-shhhh-shhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“Uh… is there a problem, ma’am?” Dan heard a familiar, masculine voice call out.

Pinkie’s eyes went wide with fear. “No I… Uh… It’s just… erm…” Pinkie grinned. “… Sometimes my pants yell at me and I have to tell them to be quiet!”

Pinkie glanced down and gave Dan a double thumbs up as he smacked a palm against his forehead.

“Uh… Sorry, ma’am, did you say something? I was distracted by your boo—I MEAN driving!”

“Oh, that!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Uh, yeah… It’s my first day…” she said sheepishly.

“Heh, first time driving the van, huh?”

Pinkie smiled. “You might say I never drove the van!”

Dan scowled up angrily from the floor.

“Uh… but you wouldn’t say that because that would be silly! I mean… it was clearly me and not someone operating the van from the floor driving it down the street!” Pinkie declared with a nervous giggle.

Dan held up his palms and glared up at the ceiling as he mouthed ‘Why!?’

“So uh… We good?” Pinkie asked tentatively.

“I WASN’T STARING AT YOUR CHEST!” the voice replied.

Pinkie stared out with a blank expression. “Erm… Okaaaaay…” she replied.

“Maybe I should just help you unload the back.”

“Oooo!” Pinkie cried. “That would be super-dee-duper helpful!” she glanced down at Dan and grinned.

Dan merely rolled his eyes.

“Let me just get the door for you,” the masculine voice said.

Dan grinned wickedly and quietly reached for the bat. He grasped it firmly in both his hands as the door quickly swung open.

-ooo-

The loud cries, cheers, and boos had finally ceased around the bakery as the crowd had already dispersed. The bakery parking lot was left empty for the most part, save the group of people standing around a red-and-yellow haired girl still dreaming away in the center of a fighting ring.

From the ground below, Sunset Shimmer begin to murmur in her sleep as a goofy grin spread across her face, “…Why of course I’ll be more than happy to step in for you and let you rub lotion all over my body, Mr. President!”

“Button, don’t listen!” Love Tap cried.

“Listen to what?” Button replied as he continued to stare at his game from his mother’s side.

“Good boy.”

“Wow,” Chris exclaimed. “She sure dreams big.”

Elise and Amber nodded in agreement.

Gibson walked up to the group, a giant grin on his face and a large wad of bills in his hand.

“Finished?” Love Tap asked.

Love Tap quickly snatched the wad of bills from her son. “This is going straight into the college fund, mister!” she said sternly.

Gibson’s eyes went wide as an unhappy frown immediately made its way on his face. “But mom…” he whined out.

“And the extra you stashed away in your pocket!” Love Tap added as she held out an open palm.

Gibson gave a heavy sigh and reached into his front pocket. He pulled out a smaller wad of bills and handed it to his mother. “But I need a new amp!” Gibson whined.

Love Tap nodded. “Hence why you work.” She began walking out of the parking lot, Button following close behind. “Come on now, its way past dinner time as it is.”

Gibson folded his arms and grumbled irritably to himself as he followed his family.

Amber chuckled to herself as she called out, “See you tomorrow, Gibson!”

“Yeah, yeah…” Gibson replied in an irritable tone as he raised a hand and waved without turning.

Sunset continued to mumble in her sleep, the same happy grin across her face, “…Come on Flash… Jacuzzi warmed Champagne feels sooooo good…” Sunset giggled. “… Oh don’t worry about a swimsuit, I’m not wearing one…”

Amber frowned. “Anyone mind if we take a few steps away from wrestler girl here? Her mumbling is kind of weirding me out…”

Chris and Elise nodded and the trio walked towards the edge of the ring.

“So, uh…” Chris began, “…what do we do about her?” Chris asked as he motioned behind him.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine here,” Elise replied.

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “You’re sure a scantily clad, unconscious girl will be fine left out in one of the roughest neighborhoods of the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area?”

Elise chuckled. "Alright, you got me. I should have said, 'I'm sure I don't care.'"

 Chris frowned and turned to Amber. “Amber?” he asked.

Amber raised a hand to her chin. “I think I have moral qualms about leaving her out here to be scooped up by who-knows-what.”

Chris scrunched his brow. “‘You think’?”

“She’s suplexed me, dislocated both my shoulders, humiliated me, and knocked me out tonight!” Amber cried. “I’m allowed to at least humor the idea of leaving her out here!”

“Alright, fair enough,” Chris replied. “I also vote we not leave her out here.”

“Awww… dis!” Elise exclaimed in a disappointed tone.

Chris continued, “So that’s two votes for not leaving her out here.” He turned. “I guess we should…uh… where’d she go?”

Amber and Elise turned to see the center of the ring empty.

Amber’s expression turned concerned. “You don’t think some unsavory person walked into the ring and ran off with her while we were debating what to do with her, do you?”

Elise knitted her brow. “Not unless that unsavory person is really good at being quiet.”

“That’suh… not all that comforting, really…” Chris said.

Elise shrugged and smiled. “Oh well! Problem solved.”

Amber shook her head. “Whatever. My head hurts, I’m going home. See you two later.”

Chris and Elise said their goodbyes.

“So,” Elise began as she leaned up against Chris, “I think it’s about time me and my big, strong, handsome baker husband went home.”

“Well, Dan called and said something about him and Pinkie liberating a couch.”

“Huh…” Elise replied. “Sounds illegal…” She shrugged. “And nothing I’m sure those two can’t handle on their own.” She looked up at Chris with a smile. “Now how about you and I stop at Ninja Dave’s for some late night cookies?”

Chris smiled. “I do love late night cookies… and cookies in general.”

-ooo-

“HA!” Dan cried as he lunged, quickly swinging the bat overhead and then down.

No sooner had he leapt out that he felt something obstruct the bat. Dan held on fast as he realized he was being held above the ground.

“Dan!” Pinkie cried out in concern.

The Salvation Armed Forces employee raised the bat as Dan continued to hold on. The muscular man vigorously shook the bat and Dan lost his grip, falling to the ground in front of the dark, open garage with an “Ooff.”

The muscular man tossed the bat aside as Pinkie quickly undid her seatbelt and leapt out of the van. She leaned next to Dan with a concerned expression on her face.

“Nice try,” the muscular man said. “I almost fell for your wife’s perfect disguise, but you didn’t ring the ‘everything’s okay' bell as you pulled up.”

Dan narrowed eyes as Pinkie helped him to his feet. “How is that a thing!?” he demanded angrily.

Pinkie knitted her brow. “Wait, we’re not married!” She turned to Dan. “Are we?”

Dan lifted an eyebrow at Pinkie. “Why would you even have to ask that?”

“WELL I DON’T KNOW IF THERE’S SOME CRAZY MARRIAGE RITUAL I MISSED DURING ALL THE TIME I’VE BEEN HERE!” Pinkie replied in a shrill tone.

“WHY WOULD YOU THINK THERE’S BEEN SOME SORT OF CRAZY MARRIAGE RITUAL THAT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!?” Dan shot back.

“MAYBE BECAUSE WE DO LOTS AND LOTS OF CRAZY THINGS TOGETHER THAT DEFY ANY RATIONAL EXPLANATION?!”

Dan paused and thought about this. “… Uh, alright. That’s fair.”

The muscular man furrowed his brow. “Are you sure you two aren’t married because…”

Dan leveled an angry index finger at him. “Don’t you start too!”

The Salvation Armed Forces employee narrowed his eyes. “So everything you said to me earlier was a lie!”

Dan and Pinkie shot each other confused glances then turned back to the muscular man.

“Uh… kinda, yeah…” Dan said in a confused tone to match his expression. “But I mean… we just put on a couple of costumes and tried to purchase a couch…  I mean… that’s pretty minor as far as nefarious plans go.”

Pinkie nodded. “Especially by our standards!”

Unswayed by Dan and Pinkie’s words the muscular man continued to glare out angrily at them. “Don’t try to sugarcoat things! You lied to me and then you tried to do it again when you impersonated a member of our forces!” He began to tear up slightly. “I just… I just…” The man made a loud, phlegmy sniff. “Snifffghghg… HOW COULD YOU?!” he cried in an angry, sad tone.

Pinkie and Dan exchanged glances once again.

Dan raised an eyebrow at The Salvation Armed Forces employee. “Uh, look Sarge… Can I call you Sarge?”

“Well, it is my rank, so…”

Dan nodded. “So Sarge, I don’t normally care about most people’s stupid feelings, like… at all… But you seem really upset about this whole thing. Like we laid siege to a store to get this couch!”

“Uh, Dan?” Pinkie interjected. “We kinda did do that! Like… more than once today.”

“Well, sure!” Dan said as he held his hands up in a shrug. “But not any store he would care about!” Dan said as he motioned out to Sarge. “I’m just saying he’s being disproportionately upset about this whole thing!”

Pinkie nodded. “I know, right!” She looked at Sarge and motioned to Dan. “And if Dan thinks you’re being dispraporpoisely—”

“‘Disproportionately’,” Dan corrected as he rolled his eyes.

“That too,” Pinkie replied. She continued, “…upset about something, it must really be bad!”

“Forget it!” Sarge cried. “You two wouldn’t understand!” he cried as he slumped his shoulders.

Pinkie looked over Sarge’s sorry expression. She puffed out her lower lip and whimpered softly as she turned to Dan.

Dan sighed. “Uh, look Sarge we may not be married, per se, but we are cohabitating.”

“Oh, Golly Gee Willikers, are we cohabitating!” Pinkie added. “We even took a break after the last time we were here to cohabitate!”

Dan wrinkled his brow. “Pinkie that’s not what that… never mind…”

 Sarge shook his head. “That’s not what’s wrong.”

“Well, what then?” Dan cried impatiently. “Are you still upset about the dog attack?!”

“Well, I admit you did get the better of me there, but I ended up getting my purple heart over that.” Sarge pointed a gold-lined purple heart-shaped medal on his uniform. “So it kind of worked out.”

“Then what?!” Dan demanded.

Sarge took a deep breath. “Because of you two, I now know that Mr. Moneybags isn’t real…”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “Wait? You’re mad at us because you found out a mascot to a game isn’t a real person?!”

“Pinkie,” Dan piped up, “this is a serious discussion about a serious topic and I’ll thank you not belittle this poor man’s feelings.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as she began to protest. “But he almost let us walk out with the couch last time anyway!” She turned to Sarge. “What was all that about?!”

Sarge looked up from Pinkie’s chest and shook his head. “Sorry, I missed that last part… What?”

Pinkie sighed, folded her arms over her chest, and rolled her eyes. “Nevermiiiiind…”

Sarge continued, “Sorry but… it was like… it would be like being told Santa Claus doesn’t exist!”

“Whoa!” Dan exclaimed. “Let’s not get crazy here!” Dan’s expression softened. “Sarge, I…” he began, trailing off slightly as he looked at Sarge with understanding emerald eyes. “I remember the first time I was told Mr. Moneybags doesn’t exist. Why, I was just a wee lad of twenty five…”

Sarge gasped. “So young! How did you cope?!”

A confused expression quickly marched across Pinkie’s face as she glanced back and forth between her boyfriend and the large man he was comforting.

“I came to an understanding,” Dan said. He walked over and put a sympathetic hand on Sarge’s shoulder. “Look, Sarge. Just because I wasn’t Mr. Moneybags or no one has seen Mr. Moneybags doesn’t mean he isn’t real!”

“But Commander said—”

Dan interrupted, “Sarge, your commander is wrong. She has been affected by the socialism of a socialist age.” Dan motioned out into open space with his free hand. “Yes, Sarge, there is a Mr. Moneybags!” He clenched his fist and pulled it close. “He exists as certainly as capitalism and entrepreneurship and conglomerations exist! Alas! How dreary would it be the world if there were no Mr. Moneybags! It would be as dreary as if there were no Sarges!” Dan said as he pointed at Sarge. “There would be no Two-hundred dollars when you pass go, no free parking, no hotels! Just a world composed of flat motels!”

“No…” Sarge whispered out as his face went pale.

Dan continued as began to speak in an increasingly dramatic tone as he turned to face Sarge fully and put his free hand on Sarge’s other shoulder, “No Mr. Moneybags! Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Sarge, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the hearts of money-loving property moguls!”

Sarge suddenly burst into tears and wrapped his arms around Dan, sobbing openly as he was overcome with emotion. “WhouaaaHuoaaaHuoa…Thank you…” he uttered. “I… I understand now…”

Dan teared up slightly as he returned the embrace. He patted Sarge’s large, muscular back. “There, there… let it all out…”

“So this is what it’s like when doves cry!” Sarge exclaimed.

“Can we take the couch now?” Pinkie asked. She motioned to herself. “Somehow I’m the one who’s weirded out about all this!”

Sarge let go of Dan. “Oh right… Uh… So I guess you guys planned to steal it and take it home in the van you also stole?”

“We were going to give the van back!” Dan insisted.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down.

“Fair enough, I suppose,” Sarge replied. “What about the soldier who was driving it?”

Dan frowned. “I uh… sort of lured him out of the van…”

Pinkie smiled. “And I knocked him out with chloroform!” she said in a chipper tone.

Sarge sighed and smacked a palm against his face. “Rookie mistake… Where is he now?”

“We let him nap in an alleyway down the road!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

Sarge rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Well… if he’s mostly okay… I mean… I can’t just let you have the couch but I can let you buy it.”

Pinkie’s face let up. “Really?!”

“Awww… But I was in a stealing moooood!” Dan whined.

Sarge smiled. “I’ll even help you load the coach unto the van, drive it to wherever you need to be, and unload it. How’s that sound?”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “No dea—”

“DAN!” Pinkie interrupted. “Do you really want to carry a couch all the way up the apartment steps just the two of us?!”

Sarge flexed his muscles and smiled.

Dan paused. “…You absolutely have a deal!”

Sarge extended a hand. “Put it there, Mr. Moneybags.”

Dan grinned and also extended his hand.

“STOP RIGHT THERE!” a commanding, feminine voice called out.

Sarge retracted his hand and turned. “Commander!” he cried.

The auburn-haired Salvation Armed Forces employee emerged from the dark opening of the store’s garage and narrowed her eyes. “I ought to have you court-martialed!”

Sarge saluted. “Sorry sir! I was just…”

“Aiding enemies of The Salvation Armed Forces?” she suggested.

“Oh my gosh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “We just really want a couch! We wouldn’t be enemies if you’d just let us buy it!”

The commander narrowed her eyes as she looked at Pinkie. She motioned out to Dan. “This man has already stolen from us and assaulted a soldier of The Salvation Armed Forces! The two of them just assaulted anothersoldier and commandeered a vehicle! I can’t just let that slide!”

“But we wouldn’t have knocked that guy out and borrowed the van if you let us buy the couch in the first place!” Pinkie shrilly cried.

“Yeah,” Dan said in agreement. “I mean, if you think about it, all that stuff is kind of your fault!”

“Oh yeah? What about the car you stole?” the commander shot back.

“Oh you mean my car that The Salvation Armed Forces stole from me originally?!” Dan said as he motioned to himself.

“And the vicious dog attack?” the commander asked.

Dan frowned. “I needed a distraction so I could get a new toaster.” He motioned out to Sarge. “Besides, he hit me with a bell a bunch of times.”

Sarge nodded. “I did certainly do that.”

The commander refocused her attention on her fellow employee. “Just whose side are you on anyhow?!” She motioned out to Dan and Pinkie. “These two have committed crimes against The Salvation Armed Forces!”

“Oh, come on!” Pinkie cried. “Can’t we just once have a resolution that doesn’t involve a violent showdown?!”

Sarge sighed. “I don’t suppose I can interest you two in surrender?”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Not a chance. We’ve come too far to leave empty living roomed!”

Sarge grimly reached down and pulled up his bell. “I’m afraid you leave me no choice,” he said as he rung his bell menacingly.

‘…Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding…’

Dan smiled wickedly. “Oh, yeah? Well suck wind!” Dan cried as he flicked out a golden ring adorned middle finger. A sky-blue gem set in the ring began to glow as a gust of wind shot out from Dan’s finger.

Sarge widened his stance and threw his arms in front of his face as he felt himself being pushed back. His hat was caught in the gust and blown off into the dark interior of the open garage and his clothing rippled from the heavy wind. Sarge crouched low and shifted his weight into the wind, standing firm despite the torrent of air.

Sarge’s much smaller commander was not so lucky. The wind quickly picked her up and sent her after the hat. She made a startled “Ahhhh!” before a loud ‘CRASH!’ resonated out accompanied by the ruckus of other items clattering to the ground.

Pinkie chuckled. “Hehehe… Finally remembered you had that magic ring from when you fought that fairy, huh?”

“Shut up!” Dan exclaimed. “I threw it in my sock drawer and kind of forgot about it! I don’t usually wear jewelry!”

Sarge opened parted his arms slightly to glare out at Dan. He began to slowly edge forward, laboriously fighting for each inch as wind gripped at him and his clothes.

“Uh, Dan?” Pinkie said in a concerned tone. “He’s still coming.”

“I’m pointing my finger as hard as I can at him!” Dan cried.

“Oooo! Oooo! Maybe I should fight him!” Pinkie suggested. “I have experience getting hit in the head with a bell… or hitting a bell with my head, but same idea…”

Dan grinned and retracted his finger, the wind subsided. “He’s all yours, Goofball. Take him out!”

Pinkie inhaled a large volume of air and let out a piercing battle cry. “Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!”

Sarge raised his arms in front of him as Pinkie rapidly approached. He clenched his bell tightly and then suddenly froze as his eyes focused on Pinkie’s exposed chest once more.

Pinkie let fly a series of blows into Sarge’s large body, letting loose with all manner of punches and kicks as she attempted to bring the large man down. After a whirlwind of attacks thrown with all her might, Pinkie stood back and took a series of labored breaths. She desperately tried to catch her breath as she looked over her large, muscular, and still standing opponent.

“Huff… puff… This is the part where you fall down!” Pinkie whined.

Sarge shook his head as if to clear it. “Sorry did you say something?"

The commander limped out of the darkness of the garage. “Focus, soldier!” she cried.

“Oh, right!” Sarge exclaimed. With a swift movement, Sarge brought his bell down upon Pinkie’s head. There was a resounding ringing as the bell connected with skull. Pinkie felt a heavy pain on her head as everything quickly went black and she fell to the floor.

“Pinkie!” Dan cried.

Pinkie didn’t respond as she laid in a heap.

Dan glared up at Sarge as if he was attempting to set fire to the large man with his eyes. “I will end you…”

Sarge frowned. “Sorry sir, but you two left me no choice…”

“All we wanted was a couch! We just wanted Couchy 2 to sit nice and couch-like in the space his twin had occupied…”

The commander’s ears perked up as a short whooshing sound was heard from inside the store. She disappeared back into the darkness of the garage.

Dan continued, “…But you just had to make a big deal out of it.”

“Just doing my duty, sir.”

“Yeah? Well you just clobbered my girlfriend in the head, so I’m pretty sure it’s my duty to take you out.”

Sarge raised his bell again. “You’re welcome to try, but you know I aced hand-to-hand combat at Salvation boot camp.”

Dan gritted his teeth. “I don’t care, I’m still going to bash your skull.” Dan lunged.

Dan was quick; Sarge was quicker. He instinctively raised his bell and began bringing it down towards Dan’s head. Knowing he would easily strike the much smaller man before Dan’s fist could—

‘CRACK!’

Sarge felt a heavy blow against his face, an impact that sent him reeling backwards and desperately trying to keep his balance as his head began swimming and desperately trying to process what happened. He quickly realized he had just been hit with a bat and that Dan was swinging his bat once again. Sarge took another solid hit to his abdomen.

“Oooff!” Sarge exclaimed. He took a step back as Dan readied the bat for another swing. As Dan swung with the bat, Sarge swung out with his bell, expertly parrying the bat.

“How’d you get the bat so quickly?!” Sarge cried. “It wasn’t anywhere near you!”

“Don’t know, and don’t care,” Dan replied. He gritted his teeth and began to speak through them, “All I want to do is smash your head in!”

Dan took another swing and Sarge blocked it with his bell once more. Sarge quickly reached up with his free hand and grabbed the bat firmly. He twisted the bat and wrestled it of Dan’s grip.

Despite the loss of his weapon, Dan quickly adapted and pulled back his fist.

Sarge raised his arm to block Dan’s blow. He saw a flash of red as Dan’s fist approached and felt a sharp pain in his arm as Dan’s fist connected. His arm flew back into his body from the blow and he suddenly found himself airborne.

The bat and Sarge’s bell fell out of his grip as he flew back into the garage. He felt something hit his back and stopped his fall hard before he fell to the ground, items clattering and crashing around him.

The commander emerged from the garage and looked at Dan in disbelief. “How did… How did you do that?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?!” Dan cried. “I punched really hard, okay?!”

The commander shook her head. “I guess it doesn’t matter… You two where one heck of a distraction.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “What the heck are you talking about?”

The commander narrowed her eyes. “No need to play dumb, the couch is gone.”

“What?!” Dan cried. “How can the couch be…” Dan trailed off as he eyes stared off into space. His mind trying to catch up with what had transpired. “… back at our apartment…?” he finished.  Dan frowned and reached a hand up to his head. “How… how did I know that…?” he muttered quietly to himself.

The commander scowled. “Why are you asking me? You where the one who had it stolen.”

“Look lady,” Dan began as he walked over to his bat and picked it up, “I don’t really know what’s going on, and what’s more, I don’t really care.” He advanced on the commander, bat in hand, dark scowl on his face.

“Wait!” The commander cried as her eyes went wide and she began to slowly back away. “You have what you came for!”

A wicked smile slowly spread across Dan’s face like a few drops of cream added to black coffee. “Sorry,” Dan said as he held the bat over his head, “but now it’s personal.”

“Uh…Sergeant?”  the commander called out in a worried tone. She stopped as she felt the cold metal of the van’s grill stop her progress backwards.

“Oh, I doubt he can help you now,” Dan said grimly.

The commander closer her eyes and placed her arms up between her face and her attacker. She braced herself for the impact that was about to come.

‘Clank-clank-cladadadadadadad…’

The commander opened her eyes as she heard the sound of the bat hit the ground. She looked up to see that pink-nail-polished hands had made their way across her would-be attacker’s chest.

“It’s alright, now…” Pinkie whispered quietly as she placed her lips next to Dan’s ear. “It’s over…”

“But… but they…” Dan stammered out.

Pinkie shook her head. “I’m just a little dizzy, I’ll be fine… We got what we came for… uh… somehow…”

Dan furrowed his brow and pointed an accusing index finger at the commander. “Yeah, but she’s the whole reason you got…”

Pinkie rubbed her head against the back if Dan’s and gently shushed him. “Shhhhhh… It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go home…”

“Oh… alright…” Dan replied. He bent down and picked up his bat. He pointed it at the commander with it. “You got lucky,” he announced. With that, Dan and Pinkie began turned and walked down the street.

“Uhuhuhuhuh…”

The commander turned as she heard moaning from the garage. Sarge slowly shuffled into view, his right arm dangling limply by his side, his uniform torn in places as blood slowly trickled out from cuts on his body. She scowled up at him. “You just got thrashed by a man roughly a third your size!”

“Sorry, sir,” Sarge replied. “He… uh… apparently has magical powers.”

The commander sighed as she walked up to the cab of the truck and fetched the keys. “I guess we’ll have to figure out how to report all this… I’m not sure how ‘attacker was maybe magic or a supervillain’ is going to sound.” The commander raised an eyebrow. “You think you can still help me clean up with a busted wing, Sergeant?”

“Sir, yes sir!” Sarge replied. “Forgive me for not saluting, sir.”

“Alright,” the commander said as she walked towards the back of the van, keys in hand. She unlocked a padlock from the van doors and began to open. “Let’s see what we have back—”

Without warning, several streams of steaming liquid suddenly shot out of the van, striking the commander.

‘keeshkeeskeeshkeeshkeeshkeeshkeeshkeeshkeesh!’

“AAAAAAH!” the commander cried, as she threw her hands up to protect herself. “IT BURNS!”

Sarge sighed. “Looks like another bombardier beetle farm got smashed up in transport…”

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Chapter 114: Sunset Shimmer Vs. …

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Chapter 114: Sunset Shimmer Vs. …

-oooooo-

As Casa Paradisio sat illuminated in streetlight and the yellow and red glows of the neon lights from the apartment complex’s own sign, a couple made their way up to their apartment. The sound of shoes hitting concrete softly interrupted the otherwise peaceful night as Dan and Pinkie walked up the steps, or rather, as Dan dragged Pinkie up to the couple’s second story apartment.

Dan chuckled. “Maybe you should take a hard blow to the head more often. I kind of like this.”

Pinkie turned and grinned sheepishly as she gripped him tightly in one black-tight-clad arm and held on to the handrail with her other hand, all while desperately attempting to maintain her balance walking up the steps. “I thought you hated walking me up and down the stairs.”

“Well sure!” Dan exclaimed. “I mean… I did, but it took me a while to figure out that I like holding you,” he said with a smile.

Pinkie giggled as Dan took out his keys and unlocked the door to apartment ‘8’. She nuzzled her head against Dan’s. “Like you need an excuse at this point.”

Dan smiled warmly at Pinkie and opened the door. His heart skipped a beat as he looked inside, despite somehow knowing exactly what he’d see.

“Couchy 2!” Pinkie said excitedly.

Dan and Pinkie entered and Dan closed and locked the door behind them. He walked Pinkie over to the red couch and gently sat her down then collapsed next to her. Pinkie wasted no time in lying her head down on Dan’s lap as she sprawled across the surface of the count.

Dan looked down at Pinkie as she stared up at him with a smile on her face. “Aren’t you going to ask how the couch got here?” he asked.

Pinkie shook her head.  “Does it matter?”

Dan frowned. “I guess not… It’s just lately …” Dan sighed as he raised his hands in front of him and stared at them. “Somehow I’ve been able to do things I can’t explain… like when we were in magic, evil cloud land…”

Pinkie giggled. “And you’re upset because you’re somehow even more awesome-possum then before?”

A corner of Dan’s lips pulled up into a small smirk as he let his hands drift down to the sides of Pinkie’s face. “Well, no but… The whole thing just makes me feel like we’re not done with those floaty clown goons yet…” Dan’s face suddenly went serious. “Like they’ll try to take you away again.”

Pinkie reached a hand up to stroke Dan’s cheek, her smooth palm gently caressing the rough, stubble covered side of his face. “It’s okay Dan. If that happens, you’ll protect me.” Pinkie’s smile widened. “Just like you did last time.”

Dan smiled. “Of course I will,” he said.  His face went serious once more. “I just… I just don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened slightly and then her expression softened once more. She giggled. “Hehe… Maybe I should get hit in the head more often! I kinda like all the attention I’m getting.”

Dan inhaled and then let the air out in one long, continuous exhale before he continued,“Look, I’ve been thinking…”

Pinkie frowned slightly. “Yes, Dan?”

“Maybe I don’t need anything more than what I have now… Maybe I don’t have to get mad anytime something goes wrong…”

Pinkie said nothing, instead opting to grasp at Dan’s black sweater. She pulled herself and her face up to Dan’s, wrapped her arms around his neck, and placed her lips against his.

Dan closed his eyes and parted his lips. He encircled his arms around Pinkie’s black-tight-clad body. He felt a warmth flow through him as he savored the feeling of her lips against his, her tongue playfully darting around the insides of his mouth, and the feeling of her against his chest.

Pinkie slowly broke the kiss and leaned her forehead against Dan’s. She stared deeply into his emerald eyes with her sky-blue ones and held onto him tightly.

“Pinkie…” Dan whispered out.

“Shhh…” Pinkie hushed softly and shook her head slightly. “You don’t have to do anything different… You don’t have to be someone you’re not. I love you just the way you are. I have you and you have me.” Pinkie smiled softly as tears formed under her sky-blue eyes. “That’s all that matters right now.”

Dan himself felt tears form around his eyes as he smiled. He pulled Pinkie into his chest and held her tightly.  “Us two against the universe, eh?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Pinkie replied.

Dan chuckled. “I guess I can be happy with that,” he cooed as he brought a hand up to Pinkie’s shoulder, hooked a thumb into the collar of her tights and began to pull them off her shoulder as he slowly lowered his face to her neck and begin kissing it.

“Hmmmmm…” Pinkie hummed with a content smile. “Now what’s all this for?”

Dan continued to slowly remove Pinkie’s tights as he tilted his head slightly and answered. “You made me feel better, so I figured I’d return the favor.”

Pinkie giggled before she declared, “Still best couple’s outing to get a couch eveeeer~!”

-ooooo-

“Uuuuuuuuuh…” Sunset Shimmer moaned as she slowly opened her eyes. “Ow…” She uttered as the throbbing pain in her forehead arrived as quickly as the rest of her awareness. She sighed to herself as she glanced up at her head, feeling a brand new bump that wasn’t their last time she checked. Guess that means I lost…

Sunset squinted at her surroundings. Wait, where the heckam I?! She rubbed her head and blinked a few times as she let her eyes adjust to the soft light of the room. She frowned as the unfamiliarity of her environment struck her.

She looked over a plain beige-colored wall and slowly ran her eyes across the room to a brick wall with a wooden door set in the center, a black-leather couch, then another brick wall.  She looked down and noted three things. One: she seemed to be sitting in a rather comfortable black leather chair. Two: her belongings looked to have been neatly arranged on a coffee table in front of her, and three: that she was fully dressed in her magenta top, leather jacket, skirt, and boots.  Dressed… well that’s pretty concerning, at least I don’t seem to be tied to the chair or anything.

Sunset reached for her items and began to take stock of everything. Wrestling mask: check. Contents... Sunset reached for a handbag on the coffee table in front of her. Phone: check. Persona items: check, Asprin... Sunset took out a small pill bottle, opened it, and popped a couple of pills into her palm. She raised her palm to her mouth and quickly swallowed the pills. Check. Wallet… Sunset paused to open her wallet and check the contents. All credit cards and cash accounted for: check. Alright, I’ll piece together what happened later.

Sunset stood up and took a couple steps to the door.

“Leaving so soon?”

Sunset flinched as a masculine voice called out from behind her. She turned to see a short man with short, well-kempt hair and a triangular soul patch smiling back at her. He wore a buttoned blue shirt and a red-and-yellow striped tie. He sat at a round table with what might be described as a romantic dinner set for two:  Two sets of placemats, champagne flutes, flatware expertly wrapped in cloth napkins, a salad in a wooden bowl, and a bottle of champagne on ice.

“And I spent all this time making a lovely dinner for my gorgeous guest as well.”

Sunset squinted at the man. “Dan?!”

The man chuckled. “In a manner of speaking…”

Sunset took a couple of cautious steps forward and looked at the man closer. “No, you’re not Dan… Though you really look like him… Are you a relative of his?”

Dan* winced. “I certainly hope not.”

Sunset pointed a thumb at the door behind her. “I take it the door’s locked.”

Dan* nodded. “Yes, but you can turn the little button in the center to unlock it.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know how doors work, thank you,” she said sarcastically.

The man chuckled. “Sorry, couldn’t resist. And might I say, that it is an absolutely stunning look you have going for yourself.”

Sunset looked down at her clothes briefly then gave her host a suspicious look. “So, you take me from the match, take me to your home, dress me, and then make me dinner?” She glanced up at the ceiling and rubbed her chin. “Well, I guess I’ve had worse starts to dates.”

Dan* flashed a mildly surprised look before he closed his eyes and began laughing. “Heh heh heh heh heh… What an excellent sense of humor you have!” He motioned to a wooden chair across from him. “Why don’t you relax and join me for dinner?”

Sunset gave Dan* another skeptical look. “Tell you what. I’m hungry and you’re kind of cute, so if I look under my shirt and skirt and see that my sports bra and biker shorts are still on I’ll join you for dinner.”

Dan* raised an eyebrow. “And if they aren’t?”

Sunset scowled. “I’ll grab one of the knives off the table and stab you with it.”

Dan* chuckled and shook his head as he took a playful swipe at the air. “Heh heh heh, Meeeeow~! Watch out for you, Tigress.” Dan* smiled a little darkly this time. “You’re welcome to do that regardless.” Dan said as he motioned to his chest. “I’m afraid it won’t do much since they’re not real silver.”

“Kidnapped by a vampire, awesome…” Sunset said with a sigh.

“Guess again.”

“Maybe later…” Sunset replied. She pulled back the collar of her shirt and looked down. She followed this up by lifting her skirt slightly to reveal a pair of black biker shorts. She pursed her lips slightly as she walked over to the table and sat down.

“Disappointed?” Dan* asked with a smirk and a wink.

Sunset shook her head. “You had me going there for a second.”

“Hmmmm, sorry,” Dan* said, maintaining his smirk. He reached for the champagne in the center of the table. “I have an unfortunate habit of teasing people.” Dan* pulled of the cork to the bottle of champagne with a ‘POP!’ “Champagne?” he offered with a smile.

“Sure, assuming it’s not drugged, of course,” Sunset replied as she held her champagne flute out.

Dan* flashed Sunset a surprised look. “Oh, where are my manners? I’ll go get the undrugged champagne immediately.” He grinned. “A shame too. I spent a lot of time somehow recorking this bottle after I put my evil chemicals in it.”

Sunset shot Dan* an unamused expression. “You’re lucky I’m a fan of sarcasm.”

Her host chuckled as he poured the sparkling wine for Sunset. “Anyhow, why would I need to drug a lovely woman who was already unconscious when I brought her to my apartment?”

“Uh, good point… Assuming this isn’t some elaborate fetish I’m playing into that ends with me being eaten…”

Dan* chuckled again. “I see you’re not the trusting type. No, nothing of the sort.”

A ‘Ding!’ rang out from an open door next to the room.

Dan* stood up. “Ahh, that would be the main course.” He walked towards the door.

Sunset narrowed her eyes. “It’s not like… liver or other internal organs that you’ve cooked up, is it?"

Dan* frowned and paused at the doorway. He looked back at Sunset. “Do I really come off as a serial killer?”

Sunset smirked and held up a thumb and forefinger, signifying a little bit.

Dan* sighed and smiled to himself as he walked out of the room. The sound of metal clanking and rustling sounded out from the room.

Sunset raised her champagne flute to her nose and sniffed it. She then took a small sip and swished the liquid in her mouth. He eyes widened as she swallowed and regarded the glass with a smile.

Dan* reemerged from the other room holding a plate of food in either hand, a square piece of grilled meat and seasoned red potatoes sat on both.

Sunset frowned as her plate was sat in front of her. “Filet Mignon.”

Dan* shot Sunset a concerned look as he sat a plate at his end of the table and sat down. “Is that a problem? I thought it was your favorite meal.”

“It is my favorite meal, and that’s what has me worried.” Sunset tilted her head slightly as she gave her host a bemused look. “You’re not helping the whole serial killer thing you have going on.”

Dan* robbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Uh… Sorry… I guess I have a tendency to stalk people, too… Sort of an occupational habit.”

Sunset took a sip of her champagne. “And that would be killing people and taking their identities?”

Dan* threw his head back in a guffaw. “Hah hah hah!” He looked back at Sunset as he shook his head. “No, I’m smart enough about picking my targets that I don’t have to kill anyone.”

Sunset frowned. “I’m really having trouble figuring out when you’re joking and when you’re not.”

Dan* poured himself a glass of champagne. “Maybe you’d like to get to know me better, and then you can start figuring that out for yourself, hmmm.”

Sunset knitted her brow. “So this is a sort of weird, stalker date?”

Dan* threw back his head and laughed again. “Hah hah hah… Sunset, Sunset, Sunset, I’m never going to get anywhere with dinner if you keep me in hysterics like this.”

“Well, what then?”

Dan* smiled wickedly. “I have a proposition for you.”

Sunset scowled. “I’m still debating stabbing you, you realize…”

Dan*’s eyes went wide with surprise and broke into a fit of laughter, raising his fingertips to his forehead. “Hahahahahaha… That’s not… hahahahahehehe… Not that kind of proposition.” Dan* wiped a tear from his eye. “Oh Sunset Shimmer, you are the living end.”

Sunset chuckled. “I bet you say that to all the girls you kidnap.”

Dan* shook his head. “Just the exceptionally beautiful ones.”

Sunset smiled and rolled her eyes. “Alright, you’re charming. Kind of creepy, but charming. So what’s this ‘proposition’?”

Dan* nodded. “I believe we have a mutual enemy, or enemies to be more precise.”

Sunset narrowed her eyes. “Pinkie and Dan?” she growled out.

Dan* smiled wickedly. “Right on the first guess.”

Sunset shook her head. “Oh, it wasn’t a guess. You knew who Dan was as soon as I dropped his name.”

Dan* chuckled again. “Heh heh. Stunning good looks and a brain to match! Why don’t you save some of those great traits for the rest of us?”

Sunset smiled and nodded. “Alright you shameless flirt. Just one more question.”

“Shoot.” Dan* took a sip of his champagne.

“You don’t have like… a random collection of socks I’ve worn or underwear of mine stashed away somewhere do you?”

Dan* made a small choking sound as he attempted to swallow the sparkling wine in his mouth and laugh at the same time. “Ckkkpffft… Hahahaha… Oh my, no… The only thing I’ve collected from you is information.”

“Pity,” Sunset said with a smirk. “I was kind of hoping there was something a little more flattering than a sports bra and biker shorts stashed away somewhere.”

Dan* paused then grinned. “Now who’s the shameless flirt?”

Sunset shrugged. “I can’t let you have all the fun, now can I?” Her mouth opened into a devilish smile. “So you want to take out Pinkie and her trollish boyfriend?”

Dan* nodded. “That’s the long and short of it.”

Sunset raised her glass. “I’m sure I can help in that department.”

Dan* raised his own glass and lightly tapped it against Sunset's with a small ‘clink’.  “Music to my ears…”

-ooooo-

Dan sighed heavily as he stared up at his ceiling. He laid on top of the couch and under Pinkie. Pinkie rested her head against Dan’s chest with her eyes closed and gently breathed in and out. A white sheet covered them both up to Pinkie’s bare shoulders and Dan’s bare arms, the sheet sloping gently with Pinkie’s curves. The couple’s clothes were strewn about the floor and the coffee table in front of the couch.

Sirens sounded out in the distance, a noise somewhat welcome over the gunfire from the firing range across the street which had finally gone silent. Though it wasn’t the noise that was keeping Dan up.

“Can’t sleep?” Pinkie asked quietly.

Dan knitted his brow slightly. “No, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay up.”

Pinkie giggled and pulled herself up slightly to nuzzle Dan’s chin with her curly pink hair. “I sleep better when you’re not worrying about something…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Is this some ‘Pinkie sense’ nonsense?”

Pinkie began tapping her fingers against Dan’s chest. “No, but I think I’m starting to develop a ‘Dan sense’,” she answered as she looked up with a smile.

Dan uttered a soft grumble. “Maybe you should go back to bed.”

“Maybe you should tell me what’s bothering you.” Pinkie brought her hand up to Dan’s nose a gave him a small nose boop. “You’re not still worried about what you said earlier, are you?”

Dan shook his head. “No, that’s not it.”

“Then what?”

Dan frowned. “I'd rather not say.”

Pinkie pulled herself up so she was now staring down at Dan. “Dan! You can tell me anything! I’m sure you’ll feel better if you just let it out.”

Dan scrunched his lips to one side as he thought about this. “Alright… It’s just…” He let out a heavy sigh. “You think if I have the ability to teleport objects around I could summon turkey sandwiches whenever I wanted?”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide.

“What?” Dan said.

A smile slowly spread its way across Pinkie’s face as she began giggling.  “Hehehehehehe…”

Dan frowned. “Stop laughing! With great power comes a great urge to have turkey sandwiches whenever I want!”

“Ahahahahahahahahahahaha…!” Pinkie lowered herself back to Dan’s chest as she continued her giggle fit and gripped Dan tightly by the shoulders.

Dan scowled at her briefly until the corners of his mouth began to pull up. Dan barely noticed as the tension of his not-so-weighty question left and he instead began to laugh with Pinkie as joy permeated through him.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

The couple held onto each other as they laughed, their mirth filling the apartment and pushing away any noises or concerns that might plague them during the night.

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Epilogue

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Epilogue

-oooooo-

Change.

Change is slowly but surely taking its toll on The Nexus, and The Nexus is at the center of everything...

From atop a plain, stone throne which was set on a small hill, a gaunt, bipedal blue-and-black colored figure with a spiky gold crown atop his head waited. His naturally dour expression would make many others declare it brooding, however he would answer that he wasn’t, nor had ever been, brooding.

He glanced up as if regarding the simple gold crown on his head and lightly brushed his fingertips across it. It was cool to the touch, but through that touch he could feel great power. Power that signified he was a ruler, and destined to rule all in time; yet another thing he hadn’t had need or cause to think about in eons. Such as the simple shape he had picked for the item, for his people wore nothing, and all he needed was something noticeable to signify his position. With what appeared to be the hints of a grimace he ceased his mental wandering and returned to the matter at hand (though, if questioned, he would reply the he didn’t, nor had ever, grimaced).

Little bits of energy taken from The Nexus. Released back into the grand cosmos of the multiverse… No doubt adding time until the end of suffering. The end of everything.

If the king of The Nexus had reason to shake his head, perhaps he would have. Though gestures, especially those that didn’t involve communicating to another, had long since been disregarded, possibly forgotten by his kind.

If only those stubborn beings could understand what we’re doing for them. That our victory would mean the end of pain, grief, misery… Still, they cling to their short, brutal, and often times sorrowful existences, and continue making generation after generation to repeat the unpleasant cycle.

Still, all things end in time… or they wouldif we could only contain such as The Warper. Had she been imprisoned things would have gone much smoother, or we could have at least focused on tracking down the next Warper, and the next, and on until their disruption of the great countdown to all things ceased.

But she is not contained, and still finds ways to disrupt. And now she’s found a being who can tap into The Nexus itself without a direct connection.

The grim king touched his crown once more. Power… such power should not exist without the crown. Such focus and determination is hard to come by as it is with these being, and not since we took over The Nexus has such a dangerous being set foot in this realm.

The king then did something he rather loathed doing, but something he now felt was necessary for he and his people to reaccustom themselves to: he stood up and began walking. The act took an incredible amount of effort. Effort that he and his kind had not been forced into doing for long before any of them could remember. Exertion and suffering the beings of The Nexus had long since moved past, or so they had hoped. The power of his crown coursed through his entire body, yet he could still feel the weight of his physical self wear at his muscles, each step harder than the last. It was troublesome to say the least that the human who had caused so much death and destruction with his visit could force physical forms upon his people with little more than a whim, troublesome and perhaps even worrisome that the human could do the same to him.

So he walked and reaccustomed himself to limbs and a state of being he would have all have wished he had forgotten existed entirely. He walked by others of his race who were likewise corporeal for the moment. Some still adjusting and simply trying to keep their balance. Others going so far as to punch into open air with their fists and remain standing.

The grim king looked over his people’s attempts to prepare for the inevitability of physical combat. Likely not well enough to overpower the human and The Warper. However, the range of his will seems limited, and we still have other means of attack.

The King of the Order Keepers stared off into the distance. Once we’re ready it’s, just a matter of luring The Warper and the human back into The Nexus.

It’s all just a matter of time.

-ooooooo-

From his and Pinkie’s new-old red couch, Dan sat and watched TV with a bored expression on his face. Sunlight poured in from various windows around the apartment lighting up the large shared kitchen/living room area. A narrator spoke out from the TV’s speakers, going on about some animal Dan hardly cared about, since his criteria for caring about animals was usually in proportion to the impressive body count they could wrack up during their life spans.

‘CRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSH!’

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Dan cried out in alarm as a silver car with a massive, exposed engine suddenly crashed through the wall of his apartment. He threw his arms in front of his face as chunks of glass, wood, and pink insulation flew forward and rained upon him and the floor around the couch.

The driver’s side door flew up, it's hinges built into the top of the door instead of the side, and out came a female tan-coated pegasus with a long, straight brown mane and tail plus a cutie mark of a racecar tire with flames behind it. She wore an angry expression behind a pair of sunglasses and leveled both at Dan.

The pegasus pointed a forehoof at Dan as she ripped off her sunglasses with one hoof and tossed them into the car. “DAN! ARISE!”

Dan quickly stood and looked around. “HOW THE HECK DID YOU DRIVE A CAR THROUGH MY APARTMENT WALL?! I LIVE ON THE SECOND STORY!” he cried as he motioned out vigorously with his arms.

“SHUT UP!” The pegasus cried. She continued as she lowered herself to three hooves and continued to point at Dan with one, “Now you listen directly to me!”

“Seriously!” Dan cried. “Who the heck are you and why the heck are you here?!”

“WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS!” the pegasus declared in an irate tone. “I am The Pony of Rages Past from the Future, and I have come to tell you not to abandon your rageful ways.”

 Dan furrowed his brow. “Alright, but you just answered my ques—OW!” he exclaimed as a jagged-wooden piece of his former wall bounced off his forehead, having just left one of the forehooves of the tan pegasus.

“NOW,” the pegasus continued, “assuming there’s no more rude interruptions.” She flung her arm out and smoke immediately flooded in from behind her. “THOUSANDS OF YEARS AG—OW!” she exclaimed as the same piece of wood she had just thrown bounced of her own head. “WHO THROWS THINGS WHEN THEY’RE ANGRY?! REAL MATURE, JERKWAD!” she cried.

“GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT!” Dan shouted. He paused and added, “…AND PAY FOR THE WALL YOU SOMEHOW CRASHED THR—WHOA!” Dan cried as he ducked under another piece of debris that was thrown at him. He began picking up large wooden chunks from the floor and throwing them back at his attacker.

The pegasus dodged the various pieces of wall that where being thrown at her. “I’M TRYING TO—HEY—IMPART AN IMPORTANT—WHOA!—ALLEGORY ABOUT BEING—GAH!—BEING ANGR”—A piece of wood smacked her in the side of the face and bounced off—“OW! SON OF A…” The pegasus began hunting for ammunition to return fire with.

Dan shouted back as he continued his attack. “I ALREADY TALKED TO PINKIE AND SHE SAID SHE LOVED ME THE WAY I AM, SO I’M NOT—OW!” Dan exclaimed as a piece of wood bounced of his head.

“I sure did!” A cheery voice called out quickly followed by a pink pony with a curly pink mane and tail who bounded out of the apartment’s bedroom. “Oh! Hey, Wild Fire!” Pinkie said as she noticed the tan pegasus. “Nice car,” she added.

Dan creased his brow as he stared at Pinkie. “Wait?! You know this pony?! Also, why the heck are you a pony again? Did you ask Twilight, or—”

“YOU SHUT THE CELESTIA DAMN TARTARUS UP!” Wild Fire cried as she leveled an angry forehoof at Dan. “I’ll ask the questions!” She turned her head and hoof towards Pinkie Pie. “WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!”

Pinkie frowned as she trotted up to Dan. “Hey! It’s my boyfriend’s dream! I have way more right to be here than you do!”

Dan’s eyes widened in surprise. “Wait… This is a dream?”

“Whoops!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Spoilers!” she said with a smile.

“It’s not a dream,” Wildfire asserted. “It’s a vision!”

Dan frowned. “Uh… and the difference is...?”

“There’s much more smoke in a vision. EXAMPLE!” Wild Fire cried as she flung an arm out, causing another flood of smoke to billow into the room. “THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, A YOUNG BOY WAS EXPOSED TO THE HORRORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WHEN HIS FATHER ATTACKED HIS MO—”

Pinkie’s forehoof shot up in the air.

Wild Fire sighed raised a forehoof to her face. “Yes, Pinkie?” she asked in an irritated tone.

“Is this story going to take a while? I mean, should Dan and I get snacks?”

Wild Fire sighed. “FINE! GET SNACKS! JUST HURRY IT UP!”

Pinkie stood up on her back legs briefly and gently pushed Dan back onto the couch. “Now you sit right there,” Pinkie said cheerily. “I’ll get you a snack.”

“Uh… Alright, sure…” Dan replied.

Pinkie bounded up to the fridge and opened it. She gasped. “DAN! Your dream fridge is completely full of already made turkey sandwiches!”

“Neat!” Dan exclaimed with a smile.

“Would you like a turkey sandwich, Wild Fire?” Pinkie asked.

“NO! HURRY THE BUCK UP!” Wild Fire cried. “I HAVE PLACES TO BE AND THERE’S LIKE A BILLION STUPID BIRDS THAT I NEED TO VISIT AND ENCOURAGE TO BE ANGRY!”

Pinkie grabbed a couple of turkey sandwiches and placed them on her back before she lowered herself back down to all fours. She happily cantered back to the couch and Dan, expertly balancing the sandwiches.

Dan grabbed the sandwiches and smiled at Pinkie as she jumped onto the couch next to him. Dan handed Pinkie one of the sandwiches as she snuggled up next to Dan.

Wild Fire scowled at the couple. “Alright, well if you two are finally done wasting time…” She flung out an arm as smoke filled the apartment again. “THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, A BRILLIANT DOCTOR CREATED A GAMMA BOMB, AND—”

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried. “That looks fun! Let me try!” She held her sandwich in one forehoof and flung out her free arm. Pink smoke immediately began to fill the room. “THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, A HANDSOME, ANGRY HUMAN LIVED ALONE…”

“Was this human named Dan?” Dan asked with a hopeful, childlike smile.

Pinkie smiled back. “It sure was!”

Wild Fire quickly flew over in front of the couch and began using her wings to push the pink smoke away. “NO! STOP! MY BUCKING VISION! MY BUCKING STORY!” she cried.

Dan sighed. “Would you hurry it up already then?!” he asked. Dan motioned to the TV. “I’m missing out on all the dream TV here! I think this show's about a magic tapir that eats the dreams of children.”

“WELL I WOULD IF I’D STOP BEING INTERRUPTED!” Wild Fire roared. “Now, uh… Where was I…”

“Thousands of years ago,” Pinkie said helpfully.

Wildfire flung out an arm as smoke filled the apartment once more. “THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, A MAN BOMBARDED BY GAMMA RADIATION NOTICED A STRANGE CHANGE COME OVER HIM! HE COULD TRANSFORM INTO A HULKING, GREEN BEAST WHEN HE BECAME ANGRY! HE USED THIS POWER TO FIGHT—”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, I know about The Incredible Hulk! And that wasn’t”—Dan airquoted—“‘thousands of years ago’, the first Hulk comic came out in 1962, and—OW!” Dan cried as another piece of wood bounced of his head.

“DON’T INTERRUPT MY STO—OW!” Wild Fire cried as another piece of wood bounced of her head.

“DON’T THROW THINGS AT MY BOYFRIEND!” Pinkie shouted shrilly as she picked up another piece of wood in a forehoof.

Wild Fire rubbed her head. “FINE! You know that one? How about…” Wildfire flung out an arm again causing more smoke. “A LONG, LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR AWAY, A DARK WARRIOR WAS DEADLOCKED IN BATTLE WITH A COURAGEOUS YOUNG MAN! A WIZENED OLD FIGURE CAME TO THE YOUNG MAN AND SAID, “USE YOUR AGGRESSIVE FEELINGS, BOY! LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH—”

“HEY!” Dan cried.

“Oh, what the hay is it now?!” Wild Fire huffed out.

“That’s Star Wars: Return of the Jedi!” Dan cried. “I’ve watched the movie so many times I could recognize it in my sleep!”

“Technically you did recognize the movie in your sleep!” Pinkie pointed out.

“Anyhow,” Dan continued, “that’s the Emperor talking to Luke Skywalker, and the whole point is that Luke doesn’t give into his anger.”

Wild Fire contorted her face in a wrathful expression and suddenly placed her forehooves on the couch on either side of Dan’s legs. She placed her face inches away from Dan. “WELL IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT ANGER THAN THE PONY OF RAGES PAST FROM THE FUTURE WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME A STORY ABOUT ANGER!?”

Dan narrowed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Wild Fire’s. “One time I went to a convenient store for a slushee and when I saw that the red ‘Do Not Use’ dot was lit up on the flavor I wanted, I threw a frozen burrito through the display window and broke the machine.”

Wild Fire paused and backed off a few inches away from Dan. “Wow… uh… That’s… That’s pretty angry,” she admitted.  She lowered herself off the couch and nodded. “Alright, keep it up. Just remember that anger is the key.”

Dan frowned. “The key to what?”

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried out. “Do you mean the key to opening up that hexabox-thingamajig Twilight and us found at the Harmony Tree?”

Dan paused. “… I have no idea what any of that meant, but I’m pretty sure I despise at least two things mentioned it that sentence.”

“WHAT?!” Wild Fire exclaimed. “NO! I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU WHAT ANGER IS THE KEY FOR! IT’S A VISION! IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE VAGUE!”

Dan folded his arms and grumbled irritably to himself. “Typical…”

Wild Fire flew back to her car. “Well, my work is done!” she announced happily as she crawled back onto the driver’s seat.

“BUT YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!” Dan cried.

Wild Fire put her sunglasses back on. “Didn’t I?” she said with a smug, satisfied smile. She pulled the door down grinned wildly as she started her car and pressed her foot on the gas. The engine roared to life.

“NO!” Dan shouted back at Wild Fire.

‘VRRRRROOOOM, VRRRRRROOOOM!’

Wild Fire pressed the accelerator to the floor and the car’s wheels made a noisy ‘SKRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAACCCCHHH!’ before it tore through the apartment and ‘CRASH’ed through the wall on the other side. The silver sports car flew off into the sky, a leaving a smoky trail of flame in the sky behind each wheel.

Dan frowned. “Well that was weird and pointless.”

Pinkie examined her boyfriend carefully.

“WHAT?!” Dan snapped out.

Pinkie grinned. “Wanna dream make out?” she asked.

Dan pursed his lips. “But I’m human right now and you’re a pony!”

Pinkie smiled. “I can fix that! Close your eyes.”

Dan smiled and closed his eyes.

“Alright, open them!” Pinkie said excitedly.

Dan did as requested. “Uh… you’re still a pony…”

“And so are you!” Pinkie said happily.

Dan raised grey-colored forearms that ended in hooves in front of him and frowned. “That’s not what…” Dan sighed. “You know what? Never mind, it's fine. I just hope getting dream-pony hair in my mouth is not as irritating as getting regular-pony hair in there.”

Pinkie grinned. “Just one more thing!”

“Uh… Alright…” Dan replied.

Pinkie flung out an arm and the apartment filled with Pink smoke. “THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, A HANDSOME STALLION AND A PRETTY PINK PONY SAT ON THEIR BRAND NEW NEW-OLD DREAM COUCH AND ENGAGED IN A INTENSE AND TOTALLY HOT MAKE OUT SESSION!”

Dan grumbled irritably and buried his face in his forehooves.

Pinkie continued. “DREAM SAGES STILL TELL THE TALE OF THIS AWESOME BATTLE OF TONGUES BATTLING FOR DOMINANCE AND LIPS LOCKED IN GRUELING COMBAT…”

End Part 13.

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Bonus Chapter Bakery Blues

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Bonus Chapter Bakery Blues

-ooo~~About a week ago…~~ooo-

Amber exited the driver’s side of her teal sedan and stepped out into the hot Southern California sun that beat down on her with an oppressive heat. She walked across the parking lot of ‘Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins’. Her pink cardigan was absent, Amber having decided her white blouse and long purple skirt being enough in the heat. Her normal chipper, or perhaps forced chipper, expression was replaced with a slight frown, and her shoulders were slumped, making her seem like an almost wilted version of herself.

Amber reached out towards the door of the bakery, but quickly retracted her hand as she noticed man in an apron quickly rushing towards it.

The man quickly threw the door open and rushed through the bakery parking lot screaming “I CAN’T TAKE IT! I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT!”

Amber looked on with a concerned expression as the man beelined for the road in front of the bakery. She called out in a concerned tone, “WAIT! WATCH OUT FOR THE…”

‘Skrrrreeeeaaaaccchhh!’

‘Ckckcrrrraaaaaaassssh!’

Amber cringed as the sound of rubber trying and failing to slow a vehicle screeched out ensued by a loud and violent crash.

“… car…”

Amber watched as a tire rolled over towards the front of the store, made a couple lazy circles, fell over, and then caught fire.

…

As you do.

Amber rolled her eyes and opened the door to the bakery. She quickly took a step back as Dan stormed out, grumbling irritably to himself.

“Uh… Hi, Dan,” she said as Dan walked past her. “I think one of your employees—”

“I HAVE EYES, AMBER!” Dan shouted angrily as he walked towards the crash.

Amber sighed and shook her head as she walked into the cool bakery. A long line extended from the front counter almost to the door. She got in line and absentmindedly scanned the bakery full of customers sitting at tables, who munched on cupcakes and muffins and took sips from mugs.

She looked up as Pinkie quickly walked up from the front of the store, her eyes focused on the door.

Pinkie walked up to the bakery door, opened it, and brought her free hand up to her mouth. “DAN! REMEMBER TO CALL AN AMBULANCE THIS TIME!”

“NO PROMISES!” Dan shouted back.

Pinkie smiled and rolled her eyes, turning back into the bakery. “Oh!” she exclaimed as she noticed Amber. “Hey Amber! How goes the job search?”

“Hi, Pinkie.” Amber forced a smile. She felt a blast of heat as the bakery door swung open again. “Oh… you know… still mulling over my prospects.”

Amber heard a chuckle from behind her. “That’s code for ‘laying on the couch, eating ice cream straight out of the carton, and crying to yourself’.”

Amber turned and shot Dan a glare as he grinned a devilish smile back at her. He held an apron that under his arm that seemed slightly singed.

“What?!” Amber cried.“I never said—”

Dan cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted into the bakery. “Chris! ‘Mulling over my prospects’ is jobless, loser speak for ‘laying on the couch, eating ice cream straight out of the carton, and crying to yourself’, is it not?”

“STOP READING MY DIARY!” Chris shot back.

Dan smirked and motioned towards the source of the voice.

Amber glowered at Dan. “Yeah, well… shut up!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “Is that true, Amber? Do you really feel down about not having a job anymore?”

Amber sighed and bowed her head. “A little…” she admitted. “It’s been so long since I’ve been without work, I almost feel like I should just find anything just so I’m keeping myself busy…”

“Well!” An unfamiliar, nasally masculine voice answered. “Welcome aboard!”

Amber looked up in confusion as she noticed a nearly bald, bespectacled man wearing a yellow shirt and red tie sitting behind a desk in an office she wasn’t in a second ago. “Uh… How did I…?”

The man chuckled. “Yeah, Pinkie does that sometimes.” He handed Amber a clipboard and a pen.

Amber frowned and began flipping through the sheets on the clipboard. “There’s a sheet for ‘next of kin’ in this job application.”

The man behind the desk nodded. “There sure is!”

Amber sighed and began filling the paperwork out.

-ooo~~A few days after that~~ooo-

A young man with spiky black hair, in a black Blink 182 t-shirt and jeans, stood in front of the bakery as he eyed a ‘HELP WANTED’ sign posted in the window. He peered inside taking note of the nearly completely full dining room and scrunched his brow slightly.

“Hello!” a cheerful voice called out.

The young man turned and noticed a cheerful looking woman peering out at him from the open bakery door. She peeked her head out just past her chin and smiled brightly at him.

“Uh… Hellooo~…” The young man replied in a deep voice. He walked up to the woman and extended a hand. “Name’s Gibson. I’m…”

The woman grabbed the hand. “Are you looking for a job?”

“Well, yeah actually…” The young man replied, his voice going up in pitch.“I’m…” the man paused as the person’s whose hand he was holding seemed to change in a blink of an eye.

“Well hello!” A slightly surprised bespectacled man said from behind a desk. “You must be here for a job.”

“Uh… Yeaaaah…” the young man said in a confused tone. “Where’d I go just now?”

 The man behind the desk chuckled as he retracted his hand. “You must have run into Pinkie.”

“Oh! The girl with the curly pink hair?”

The man behind the desk nodded. “That’s her. She pretty much zips anyone even remotely interested in a job straight into the office then zips out again.” The man produced a clipboard and pen. “My name’s Wally, I own the bakery.”

The young man smiled and nodded. “Cool, my name is Gibson.”

Wally handed Gibson the clipboard and pen. “Just fill that out and you can begin working right away if you like.”

“Sweet!” Gibson said as he began filling the information out. “Just like that, huh? No drug test? No background test?”

Wally chuckled with just a touch of nervousness in his voice. “Just like that…” he answered. “Oh!” Wally motioned to a chair in front of his desk. “Why don’t you have a seat? While you fill that out.”

Gibson sat in the chair and began filling out the paperwork. After a bit, he handed the clipboard back to Wally.

Wally accepted the clipboard with a smile. “Here,” he said, “let me introduce you to the assistant manager.” He turned towards the open office door. “Dan!” Wally called out. “We have a new employee!”

A short man with short, messy black hair soon walked in. He wore a frosting-and-flour-covered apron over a black t-shirt and blue jeans, and carried a folded white apron under his arms. He wordlessly began looking Gibson up and down.

“Uh… Hey… My name is…”

“Names are earned, new meat,” Dan interrupted. He grabbed the apron from under his arm and thrust it into Gibson’s chest. Gibson quickly grabbed it.

“Now put that on!” Dan demanded.

Gibson did as commanded and grimaced slightly as he noticed the apron he was given was already slightly singed, caked with batter and frosting, and also splattered with some reddish-brown stain he couldn’t quite identify.

Dan nodded satisfactorily. “Now go work the register with Amber and try not to die.”

A small smile began to grow on Gibson’s face. “Amber, huh?” His eyes widened as he fully processed Dan’s words. “Uh… die?” he asked as concern took an axe to his smile. “Wait…” Gibson stared down at his apron. “Is some of this blood?!”

“Dan, no employee has died here,” Wally said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief.

“Yet, you mean,” Dan replied as a leveled an index finger at Wally.

“Dan!” Wally said adding a little force to his voice as dabbed at his perspiring forehead. “Please don’t scare new employees before they’ve even got a chance to begin!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fine!” He turned back to Gibson. “Please don’t suffer a mental breakdown and run screaming into oncoming traffic on your first day.”

Gibson scrunched his brow up. “I thought Wally said not to scare new employees before they’ve even got a chance to begin”

Wally nodded. “Yes, I did.”

Gibson turned and smiled at Wally. His smile quickly wilted into a frown as Wally remained silent and he realized there would be no follow-up comment.

“Today new meat!” Dan cried.

Gibson’s shoulders slumped slightly as he walked out of the office, however he perked up immediately upon laying eyes on the long haired blond woman standing in front of the register. She wore a pink cardigan over a white blouse and a long salmon-colored skirt, Gibson could see the straps of an apron around her neck and waist.

Gibson strode up to the register with a smile on his face

The woman turned and smiled with red lipstick covered lips and extended a hand. “Hello! You must be our newest employee. I’m Amber.”

Gibson grasped Amber’s hand in his and rather than shake it, he held it and raised it to chest-level. “Well hellloooo,”Gibson said, his voice dropping slightly. “Name’s Gibson. I’m a guitarist and a singer, and I must say it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance Amber.”

Amber looked down at her hand which was being held by Gibson then back up at him. Her eyes narrowed slightly. “How old are you?”

Gibson frowned as he searched for a proper response, “Uhhhhhh…”

 “I thought as much,” Amber said as she retracted her hand. “Just try not to have a nervous breakdown, alright?”

“Uh… Alright…”

Amber nodded. “Good, now you can help by picking cupcakes and muffins out of the display case." Amber turned to take an order of a customer at the register. Gibson proceeded to search the display case for any baked goods that were requested.

“Who had the extra-large order of muffins?” A cheery voice called out.

Gibson eyes went wide has got a better look at the pink haired, curvy beauty that had grabbed him from the front of the store. She happily bounded past him, around the counter, and across the dining area as she balanced a large tray full of muffins.

“I think… I think I’m in love…” Gibson uttered.

Amber looked up to see who Gibson was talking about and rolled her eyes. “She’s in a relationship with Dan. They share an apartment a few blocks away from here.”

Gibson frowned. “The short, angry guy? No way she’s happy with a guy like that…”

Amber nodded. “Indeed… Euphoric is probably the closest word you’ll find in the English language.”

Gibson gave Amber a crestfallen look. “Seriously?”

“I’m actually wondering if I can leverage my research on those two to explore some previously undiscovered level of happiness and write a paper on it,” Amber explained. She sighed. “Lord knows I’ve read enough material on those two…”

Gibson knitted his brow and stared at Amber.  “Uh… Are you serious or…”

“WHAAAA! Look out!”

Gibson barely had time to look up before a barrage of colorful cupcakes landed on him and Amber.

Amber sighed and began picking off the baked goods from her apron and clothing. Gibson merely stared out at the blond-haired, crooked-eyed woman wearing a light blue shirt over a dark blue buttoned-up shirt, yellow tie, green skirt, and frosting-caked apron who had just accidentally rained cupcakes on him and Amber.

“Whoa… she’s cute…” Gibson muttered, a cupcake splattered against his cheek.

“Also married with a child,” Amber said flatly as she picked another cupcake off her.

“Gah!” Gibson cried as he held hands tensed into claws up in frustration. He pointed out into the dining area. “Well what about her?”

Amber followed Gibson’s finger until she spotted the back of a thin-framed person with long-dreadlocked, blond hair, a green shirt under a purple vest, khakis, and sandals, and an apron. “That’s Crunchy—” Amber began.

Crunchy turned, revealing his pink glasses adorned face and chin scruff.

“—he’s a dude,” Amber finished.

Gibson shoulders slumped and he looked up at Amber with wide, puppy dog eyes as the cupcake slid off the side of his face.

Amber glowered down at him. “You look like you’re still in high school!”

Gibson smiled. “So you’re not married or in a relationship, then?”

“That’s none of your business!” Amber huffed out.

“Awww come on!” Gibson said. “At least let me know what my chances with you are!”

Amber narrowed her eyes. “Not good.”

“You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?”

“I’d say more like one out of a million.”

Gibson’s face lit up. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”

Amber responded by smacking a palm against her face.

-ooo~~Today~~ooo-

Wearing a green tank-top, green-and-brown camouflage pants, combat boots, and a sling over his right arm, Sarge walked across the bakery parking lot, his clean shaven head glinting as it reflected the bright Southern California sun.

Sarge smiled to himself as pushed the door open and walked into the bustling bakery. He made his way past the line to a register where a blond-haired woman was busily taking orders. She looked up at Sarge as he stepped up to the front counter.

 “Yes? Is something wrong?” Amber asked with a concerned expression.

Sarge shook his head. “Actually, I’m here to see Dan. I kind of owe him something.”

Amber sighed, and turned towards the back. “Dan! There’s a large man with his arm in a sling who probably wants to beat you up!”

There was a beat of silence before Dan shouted back, “Cripple wants to beat me up!?”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Dan! Crunchy stopped wearing the sling before I even started working here.  Also he’s not that big!”

Dan emerged from the back. “Well then who—You!” Dan cried as he leveled an accusatory index finger at Sarge.

Sarge raised his left hand and waved. “Hey, Dan!”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “The thrashing at The Salvation Armed Forces not enough for you, huh!? Well you’ve got another baseball bat coming to the face if you think I’m going to let some thrift store goon just walk in here and—”

Sarge put up his hand defensively. “Whoa! I didn’t come here to fight.”

“You didn’t?” Dan asked in an unsure tone. “Arson then?”

“Uh… No, sir,” Sarge replied. “I just came because I still owed you a handshake,” Sarge said with a smile as he extended his left hand. “Sorry it’s with my left.” His smile widened. “Some tough guy came and busted up my right arm.”

Dan stared at the hand suspiciously. “Is this some kind of trick? I grab your arm and then you bean me with your stupid bell?”

“Uh, arm's a little broken for that, sir,” Sarge replied.

“I bet that’s exactly what you wantme to think!” Dan cried in an accusing tone.

“If it’s a trick,” Amber piped up, “he’s doing a very good job of disguising his body language.”

Dan glanced up at Amber.

“Well I have to do something with my doctorate in Social Psychology,” Amber said.

Dan knitted his brow slightly, then smiled. He extended his left hand and shook Sarge’s.

Sarge gave it a firm shake and smiled again. “Thanks for making me believe again.”

Dan smiled. “Happy to be of help.”

Amber scrunched her brow. “Believe in what?”

“Mr. Moneybags,” Sarge and Dan said simultaneously.

Amber looked at the exchange and blinked a few times as she handed a customer her change. “You get into the absolute weirdest messes,” she said.

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried as she suddenly popped up from behind the counter.

Sarge and Amber jumped slightly at Pinkie sudden and unexpected appearance.

 “Are you making a new friend?!” Pinkie asked excitedly.

Dan smiled as he retracted his hand. “Yeah… I think I am… Or at least a new minion who’d be great to have in a fight.”

Pinkie’s lips pulled open wide making an audible ‘squee’ sound.

Sarge chuckled. “Just don’t ask me to steal from any Salvation Armed Forces Stores.”

“So!” Pinkie interjected. “You came all the way here just to make friends with Dan?”

Sarge nodded. “And say ‘I’m sorry’ for hitting you in the head with a bell.”

Pinkie smiled. “Oh, it’s alright! I hit my head on stuff all the time! It’s no big deal.”

Sarge chuckled. “I’m happy to hear it.”

Pinkie frowned. “Hear what?”

“Uh… that it’s no deal that I hit you with a bell because it happens a lot?”

Pinkie gasped. “How’d you know that?! Are you psychic?!”

“Erm… No… you just told me, yourself.”

“Oh!” Pinkie replied. “Told you what?”

Dan smacked a palm against his face. He reached into an apron pocket and produced a small funnel. “Pinkie, amuse yourself with this.”

Pinkie gasped as she took the funnel and began examining it carefully. “Wow! It’s a thing that starts out big on one end and is smaller on the other! That’s incredizing!”

Dan turned to Sarge. “So, just came by for a handshake and to apologize to scatterbrain here?”

Sarge nodded. “I’m afraid I’m on leave of absence from the Salvation Armed Forces until my arm gets healed up. Kind of hard to be on the front lines like this,” he said as he motioned to his arm. Sarge rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Tryin’ to figure out ways to keep myself busy, you know?”

Amber chuckled to herself. “Oh, here we go…”

Pinkie gasped and turned to Dan with a massive grin.

Dan chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Alright Pinkie, show him to Wally.”

Sarge’s expression went neutral. “Wally? Who’s…” He looked around with a confused expression as he noticed his surroundings suddenly shifted to an office containing a large, bespectacled man behind a desk.

From behind Sarge, Pinkie placed a hand up to her chest as she began breathing heavily. “Huff… Puff… So…. heavy!” she cried in a shrill tone as she walked out of the office.

Wally stared up at the large man and smiled. “So, looking for a job?” he said as he handed Sarge a clipboard.

“Uhhh… Maybe?” Sarge said in an unsure tone.

“WHAAA! WATCH OUT!”

Sarge peered out of the office to witness a wall-eyed, blond haired woman fall to the ground with a ‘Thud!’  and launch a dozen cupcakes that splattered over a young man in a black t-shirt, jeans, and apron.

“OH COME ON!” the young man in the apron cried. “That’s the third time today!”

“Sorry, Gibson,” the woman said as she sat on the floor, her hands propping herself up slightly. “I just don’t know what went wrong.”

“NEW MEAT,” Dan cried out, “STOP GRIPING AND GRAB A MOP.”

Gibson sighed heavily as he trudged off towards the front counter. “Yes, sir,” he huffed out.

Sarge leaned his head back into the office. He grabbed the clipboard and pen and set it on the desk in front of him. He smiled as he picked up the pen and begin filling out the forms in front of him. “I’m home…” he muttered to himself.

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation: Chapter 115: Rarity Vs. The Magic of Friendship

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation: Chapter 115: Rarity Vs. The Magic of Friendship

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation

Chapter 115: Rarity Vs. The Magic of Friendship

-ooooooo-

Quiet, still, tranquil, peaceful… these were not words one would usually associate with the Everfree forest. However, if a pony wandered away from Ponyville and kept to the edge of the forest, it was possible to find such serene areas. Areas not likely to be visited by manticores, timberwolves, cragadiles, or any number of large and dangerous beasts. Areas just as unlikely to be visited by ponies for fear of said creatures.

In such a spot sat a large tree, its trunk tall and wide, its leafy branches reaching up to the sky. A tree much like many of the other trees in the forest, with one distinct addition; a black and white target had been set up on it.

‘THUK!’

A target that now had an arrow sticking out of its bullseye.

Rarity looked through a pair of binoculars surrounded by a light-blue glow. She stood atop a hill some distance from her target ,with her usually long hair tied up in a bun against her head. A brown quiver full of arrows rested on her back.

“Didja hit it?” a cheerful voice called out.

“Yes, Spike. Dead center,” Rarity reported simply as the binoculars lowered from her eyes.

“Ha! Awesome!” Spike exclaimed as he stood next to a pair of pink saddle bags.

Rarity frowned slightly. “Accuracy is fine, dearie, but if that was all I was trying to accomplish I would have been finished a long time ago…”

“Awww, cheer up, Rarity! You’re amazing! I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon.”

Rarity smiled slightly and nodded at Spike. “Thank you Spike, now if you’ll be so kind as to give me a little quiet….”

Spike nodded happily and pinched a couple claws together, moving them horizontally across his lips.

Rarity raised the binoculars again then quickly lowered them. A light-blue aura surrounded an arrow as it floated into the air beside Rarity’s face.

She closed her eyes as her aura began to expand around the arrow, forming a two-dimensional diamond shape around it.

Breathe…

The diamond shape continued to extend outward, turning into an arc above and below the tip of the arrow and two small strings of energy behind it.

Pull…

The arrow slid back slightly, the energy behind seemingly pulling back as well. The now bow-like shape compressed down as it was pulled out. The arrow drifted further and further back until it hovered slightly behind and to the side of Rarity. A bead up sweat formed around the bottom of Rarity’s horn and began to travel down her face.

And…

Rarity’s expression turned tranquil as the bead of sweat hit her eyebrow and rested there.

Release…

The arrow suddenly flew forwards as strands of energy rushed to meet the larger arcs at the front. The bow-like aura suddenly dissipated as the arrow soared forward through the air, flying towards its target until it hit the back of the first arrow with a ‘Snap!’ and hitting the target with a ‘SHUK!’

Rarity brought the binoculars up to her face and frowned once more. “No, no, no, NO!” she cried in frustration.

“What’s wrong?!” Spike asked in a concerned tone. “Didja miss?”

Rarity shook her head. “Split the first arrow in twain, in fact.”

“Wow! That’s amazing! You’re amazing!”

Rarity sighed. “Thank you, darling. But it’s still not right…”

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Rarity looked behind her and offered the slightest hints of a nod. “Hello, Twilight. Here for Spike?”

“Well, yeah actually,” Twilight said.

“Awww man,” Spike said.

“Spike!” Twilight said in a maternal tone. “Everyone’s gathering to check in on Pinkie! You know how much she likes seeing everypony!”

“But we’re on the verge of a breakthrough here, I can just feel it!” Spike said.

“Spike has done an excellent job of keeping me company,” Rarity interjected.

Spike blushed slightly and kicked at the ground. “Awwww, shucks…”

“However, I hate to monopolize his time if he’s needed for something,” Rarity added.

“But…” Spike said as he looked at Rarity.  “But…”

“Spike’s not the only pony—dragon—” Twilight looked to her left and scrunched her lips that direction as well “—one I was hoping to get to come with me.”

Rarity simply raised her binoculars once more and looked out. “Well, as you can see, I’m terribly busy.”

Another arrow floated into position.

Breathe…

“Rarity,” Twilight said, “you’ve been coming out here for weeks now!”

Rarity’s aura once again formed into a diamond shape around the arrow, then pulled out into a bow.

Pull…

“You hardly open the boutique anymore…”

The arrow drifted back along with the string of energy at the back of the aura.

And…

“Heck! I think everypony has seen much more of Pinkie… even Dan, than they’ve seen of you lately.”

Rarity’s expression turned tranquil.

Release…

‘Snap!’

‘Shuk!’

Rarity raised her binoculars then quickly lowered them as she scowled out at the tree far in front of her and scrunched her muzzle up.

Twilight sighed. “I know you’re on edge because of Discord’s story! Everypony is!”

“Well maybe they should be preparing, too!” Rarity snapped back.

Spike shifted from one foot to the other with an uncomfortable expression on his face. “Maybe I should start practicing with my trident… or a sword… or something…”

Twilight looked down at the baby dragon. “Spike! No!” she said forcefully.

Spike looked up at Twilight with an irritated expression. “Well, how come everypony else is going to fight?! I can fight!”

“Spike! You’re too young to fight!”

Spike scowled up at Twilight. “Oh really? Am I too young to fight off a horde of cockatrices in the streets of Canterlot, too? I mean, you might want to go back in time to tell past Spike that!”

“He’s got a point, dearie,” Rarity said. “Young or not, he’s certainly proven he can handle himself in a dangerous situation.”

Spike grinned widely. “There! You see?”

“UHHHHG!” Twilight huffed out in irritation and turned to Rarity as the white unicorn lifted another arrow into place.

Breathe…

“I thought you of all ponies would want ‘Spikey-wikey’ out of harm’s way!” Twilight exclaimed.

Pull…

“Yes, well… I think I understand how he feels quite well…” Rarity replied as she closed her eyes.

And…

Twilight sighed.

Release…

‘Snap!’

‘Shuk!’

Rarity opened her eyes and glared out in front of her, not even bothering with the binoculars this time.

“I didn’t come here for a fight,” Twilight said.

“Then why did you come here?” Rarity asked as she lifted yet another arrow into place.

Breathe…

“I… Look, if you’re worried about defending Equestria, it seems to me you’ve done more than enough preparation to handle yourself and anything that’s thrown at us.”

Pull…

“Uh, Rarity?” Spike said in an unsure tone.

And…

“… I think I have to agree with Twilight here…”

Release…

‘Snap!’

‘Shuk!’

Rarity’s frown grew deeper as Spike continued, “…I mean, I love spending time with you, but you have been out here every day for weeks now! Would it really hurt to spend some time with—?”

Rarity turned, her face red and her cheeks puffed out. She scowled at Spike and then Twilight. “Look, I don’t want to be a burden to anypony, so if you two have somewhere else you’d rather be, then go!”

Twilight went silent.

Spike’s eyes widened and his eyes began to tear up slightly. “Rarity, I… I don’t think you’re a burden…”

Rarity stared at Spike and her expression softened a bit. She trotted up to him and gently caressed one of his cheeks with a forehoof. “I know, Spike… I’m sorry. It was unladylike to snap at you both like that…”

Spike smiled as he enjoyed the feeling of Rarity’s touch. “Awww, it’s alright. You’re just under a lot of pressure! Just like the rest of us!”

“No pony thinks you’re a burden,” Twilight said as she trotted up to Rarity and placed a forehoof on her shoulder. She looked Rarity directly in the eyes. “You’ve proven you’re a capable warrior yourself, Rarity. Are you really this wound up over all the things Discord said?”

Rarity shook her head. “No, not them.”

Twilight paused for a second. “… TOK?”

Rarity let out a heavy sigh.

Twilight scrunched her brow up. “Well, you have magic too! I mean, it’s not like you’re defenseless against them.”

“I might as well be…” Rarity muttered to herself.

Twilight smiled. “Hey! I know you’ll do your best when the time comes.”

Rarity shook her head. “Oh Twilight, I’m not sure my best is simply good enough!” Rarity motioned out to Twilight. “Sure it’s easy enough for you to keep them at bay. You seem to have a limitless supply of magic and can blast away endlessly.”

“Well sure, but that doesn't—”

“But me, I get winded after a few blasts. I’m just not used to firing my magic off like that!”

Twilight frowned. “So… because you have trouble with shooting continuous blasts of pure magic… you’re out here… shooting arrows…”

Rarity pursed her lips. “I’m working on something else… something that requires a little more finesse and a lot less energy.”

Twilight’s face lit up. “A new spell! Why didn’t you say so? I’d be more than happy to—”

“Twilight, dear?” Rarity interrupted as she placed a forehoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “While I appreciate that you want to help me, I truly feel this is something I need to accomplish for myself.”

Twilight frowned slightly and raised a hoof onto Rarity’s. “Alright, Rarity. Just remember you have friends that love and care about you. Friends that will be there we you need them to be, and friends that need you to be there for them as well.”

Rarity’s eyes widened slightly as her azure irises began to glow. She smiled as she lifted another arrow into place. “I will, Twilight,” she said with a nod as she placed her hoof back in the ground.

Twilight nodded solemnly, lowered her own forehoof, and turned.

The aura around the arrow widened.

Breathe…

“Come along, Spike,” Twilight said as she trotted away.

The arrow drifted back.

Pull…

“Alright…” Spike said reluctantly as he turned and began walking after Twilight.

The tip of the arrow began to glow a brilliant shade of blue.

And…

Release!

‘Snap!’

‘KAPOWWWW!’

“WAHAHAHAAAA!” Rarity cried triumphantly.

Twilight and Spike quickly turned and rushed back to Rarity.

“Rarity, what—whoa…” Spike uttered as he stared down the hill, his mouth hanging ajar.

“Spike?” Twilight called out. “What is… Uh… Wow…”

Rarity smiled proudly to herself as she used her magic to open her pink saddle bag up. She put her binoculars back inside. “Twilight, I believe I will join everypony in the library. However, I doneed to clean myself up a bit. I have something important to share with everypony.”

Twilight smiled. “Of course, Rarity. We’ll see you there.”

“Spike?” Rarity called as she lifted her saddlebags onto her back and trotted over to Spike.

“Yeah, Rarity?”

Rarity leaned down and planted a small peck on Spike’s cheek. “Thanks for helping me for these last few weeks.

“Awww shucks, twernt nothin’…” Spike said sheepishly as his cheeks turned beet-red.

Rarity shook her head and stared into Spike’s large emerald eyes with her azure-colored ones. “No, it was something. It just took me a while to see that…”

“Ra…Rarity?” Spike stammered out.

Rarity smiled and trotted off. “Well, no point dawdling! I don’t want to keep everypony waiting!”

“Uh… right! Sure, Rarity!” Spike said. “See you soon!” he called out.

Twilight smiled and shook her head. She took one more look down the hill before turning and heading back to Ponyville.

The target and the arrows sticking out of it where no longer there, replaced by a smoldering patch on the tree where they once were.

-ooooooo-

“Wowie-zowie, Spike!” Pinkie cried in an excitable tone as she sat next to Dan on the edge of the couple’s bed. The pair looked out at Pinkie’s ornate mirror; Pinkie’s friends had gathered in front of their own mirror in Twilight’s library. “That sounds incredible!”

Spike nodded. “You’re telling me! There was nothing left of the target!”

Rainbow Dash hovered in the air with an excited expression on her face. “So Rarity can make exploding arrows?! So awwesssoome!”

“Pffft, that’s nothing,” Dan said as he waved a hand about dismissively.

“Daaaaaaan~,” Pinkie sang out with a smile. “It’s not a competition.”

Dan held up an index finger. “But if it was, I’d be winning,” he said simply.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and flew up to the Equestria side mirror. “You’re saying you can do something more impressive than magic exploding arrows?”

“Well, sure!” Dan replied. “I mean, I can use my magic powers to teleport objects, punch down doors, and beat up large, muscular men!”

“Wow! Sweet!” Spike cried.

“Oh my…” Fluttershy uttered.

“What the huh?” Rainbow Dash replied.

“Wait a darn tootin’ second here!” Applejack cried. “Yer telling me you’ve somehow tapped into some o’ the same powers you had when ya saved Pinkie from TOK?”

Dan folded his arms and smiled smugly. “Yep.”

Twilight frowned. “Is anyone else kind of completely terrified by this recent development?”

“Well, kind of,” Fluttershy replied. “But it’s a little hard to tell from how I feel most of the time…”

Twilight turned to Pinkie. “And you’ve seen him do this stuff?!”

Pinkie grinned sheepishly. “Well… uh… no on account of me either being in another room or unconscious when it happens, but I mean… I know our new-old couch mysteriously appeared at the apartment, and Dan was able to break down a door, and beat up our newest bakery employee.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at Dan. “Yer beating up yer help, now?”

“BEFORE HE WAS AN EMPLOYEE!” Dan snapped.

“Oh!” Twilight replied. “Well, are you sure it’s Dan being able to utilize the powers he had in The Nexus and not Elise or one of your other stealthy friends following you around and keeping you two from getting into too much trouble?”

“Yes,” Dan snapped angrily, “because the last few times I attempted to contact them, my friends have been too busy being useless not-good-minions to lend a hand!”

Pinkie frowned. “Twilight, are you questioning that Dan might have new abilities because the thought of him being able to teleport objects and channel magical energy into his fists is scary to you?”

Twilight nodded. “Yes, absolutely.”

Suddenly the door to the library swung open, revealing Rarity. She wore her pink saddle bag and looked much like her regular, prim and polished self. “Announcing the lady Rarity!” Rarity declared as she raised a forehoof dramatically. “Fresh from her journey of self-discovery.”

“Rarity!” Pinkie exclaimed happily.

“Rarity…” Spike uttered dreamily.

Rainbow Dash smiled and flew up to Rarity. “‘Sup fashion pony? Heard you of all ponies were out becoming one with nature.”

Applejack cantered over and threw her forearm around Rarity’s shoulders. “How’ve ya been? I figured ya done gone off and decided ya’d live in the woods at this point.”

Rarity returned the affection as she looked between Rainbow Dash and Applejack. “Oh, heavens, no! I just got a little bit caught up in a project of mine.”

“A little?” Twilight said with a smirk.

Rarity rolled her eyes and smiled “Alright dearie, so I may have sequestered myself away more than what was strictly healthy for my social life…”

Fluttershy trotted over to Rarity and also gave her a hug. “We’re all really happy to see you again, Rarity.”

Dan shrugged. “Eh—OW!” he exclaimed as Pinkie extracted her elbow from his side.

“Rarity!” Pinkie cried. “Come over here and press yourself against that mirror! I’m going to give the best interdimensional hug I can!”

Rarity tittered to herself and trotted over to the mirror in Twilight’s library. She pressed herself against it as Pinkie quickly ran up to her own mirror and squished her face, body, and arms against her mirror as best she could.

“Swo,” Pinkie began excitedly as she remained pressed to the mirror, “Twilight and Spwike twold us you’wre working on some spwecial kwind of explwodey arrow magic?”

Rarity smiled and shook her head as she backed away from the mirror on her end. “Not exactly, dearie. You see, the spell is not limited to just arrows.”

Pinkie returned to her seat on the bed with an interested expression.

Twilight spoke up, “You still haven’t explained exactly what it does.”

“I’ll be more than happy to, darling.” Rarity turned to Spike. “Spike, would you be a dear and fetch your trident?”

Spike saluted and ran off towards the stairs of the library.

With a light blue glow, one of the flaps to Rarities saddle bag opened. She pulled out an arrow and held it upright in front of her. Her horn glowed blue as she stared at the arrow carefully. The tip began to glow a bright blue.

“Ooooo…” Pinkie exclaimed. “Shiny!”

Twilight also began to stare at the arrow as her horn glowed purple. Everypony else in the room looked at it close as well.

Dan rolled his eyes. “So Prissy can make things glow, big deal.” He motioned to himself. “I own a lava lamp.”

“It’s not just about the arrow glowing, Dan,” Twilight replied with a smile. “Rarity is sustaining a potentially harmful magic field around the tip of the arrow while exerting very little of her own energy. This simple arrow could cause quite a bit of damage if it came into contact with something.”

“Clearly you’ve never owned a lava lamp,” Dan replied. “Otherwise you’d know what damage they can do if thrown while still hot.”

“Or even just still plugged in!” Pinkie chimed in as shook one of her hands painfully as a memory replayed in her mind.

Applejack spoke up, “So this is what ya’ve been workin’ on all this time?”

Rarity nodded. “Mmmm-hmmm. I wanted to figure out a way to better harness my magical power if those TOK ruffians were to show their er… eyes here again. Twilight helped me reach a breakthrough when she mentioned all the ponies who love and care about me and, in turn, that I love and care about. You see, I was able to tap into something by remembering that. It would seem my desire to want to help and protect everypony keeps the spell alive.”

The ponies and Pinkie erupted into a chorus of impressed-sounding statements and exclamations.

“Bleck,” Dan uttered, plowing through the positive mood with his negativity. “Don’t tell me friendship is some sort of well of magical energy over there.”

Pinkie looked through the mirror at her friends that all exchanged glances with each other.

“Uh, it kinda is,” Twilight informed.

Dan sighed. “Well, I guess if you can use it to blow stuff up, it’s not all bad…”

“Oh, I can do more than that!” Rarity said as Spike returned with a brass trident that was twice as long as he was tall. “Spike, hold on tight to your Trident.”

Spike complied as a cloud of blue energy drifted out from Rarity’s horn and encompassed the end of Spike’s trident which began to glow bright blue.

Everyone, sans Dan, uttered a collection of “Oooh”s and “Aahh”s. Dan folded his arms and stared out with a sullen expression on his face.

“Whoa! Awesome!” Spike exclaimed. “It looks like I’m ready to kick some TOK—”

The light at the end of Spike’s trident suddenly went out.

“What happened?!” Spike cried.

Rarity chuckled. “Don’t worry Spike, I thought that would happen. Once I casted the spell on your weapon, I made it so it was up to you to maintain the spell.”

“Me?!” Spike exclaimed. “But I don’t know anything about using magic.”

Rarity smiled. “Don’t worry. Once I cast the spell again, close your eyes and think about keeping all your friends safe… about keeping me safe.”

Spike smiled warmly. “Alright, Rarity.”

Rarity nodded. “Alright, I’m casting it again,” Rarity said as her horn glowed blue once more.

Spike closed his eyes and held onto his trident tightly. Alright… concentrate on keeping all my friends safe from danger… From keeping Rarity safe from danger… On making sure nothing bad happens to them or her if we’re all—

“Oooooh!” Pinkie uttered. “Really shiny!”

“Spike, please stop thinking about Rarity,” Twilight said.

“Huh?” Spike said. “But I thought—” Spike opened his eyes and immediately squinted. His trident was shining almost blindingly bright and even humming with magical energy.

Twilight, Rarity and all the other ponies had pressed themselves against the shelves of the library as they tried to put as much space as they could between them and the dangerous-looking trident.

Pinkie watched awestruck from the mirror. Dan had a wicked grin on his face as we watched the other ponies cower.

“Uh, thank you, Spike,” Rarity said. “You can stop thinking about protecting us now.”

“Oh, right!” Spike exclaimed.

The light at the end of the trident dimmed and eventually went out entirely.

The ponies breathed a sigh of relief and walked back towards the center of the library.

“So ya can do that with any of us?” Applejack asked excitedly.

Rarity nodded. “I can enchant practically any item! Why, I daresay I can even do horseshoes!”Rarity frowned slightly. “Just make sure not to concentrate on the magical energy exploding outward or anything like that…” she said in a cautioned tone.

“SWEEEET!” Rainbow Dash declared as she did a quick loop in the air.

“Uh… yay?” Fluttershy said in an unsure tone.

“Wow! Great thinking, Rarity.” Twilight exclaimed. “Now all of us can be useful if TOK comes back!”

The ponies and Spike all walked up to Rarity and congratulated her.

Pinkie’s smile dropped slightly and her eyes betrayed a hint of sadness as she watched her friends celebrate.

Dan looked at Pinkie with a concerned expression, reached over, and gave one of Pinkie’s hands a squeeze. She turned to him and looked at him lovingly as she squeezed his hand back.

Twilight cleared her throat causing every pony to look at her. “Don’t worry Pinkie! Elise and I are working together on a way to get you home.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “I’m so happy you two have become such good friends! So how is the research to open a portal between our dimensions going?”

-ooooooo-<

“SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF!” Twilight cried over and over again as she used her magic to blast a long purple tentacle dotted with large green suction cups as it reached out for her.

‘PHHHOOOM! PHHHOOOM!’

The tentacle fell to the floor, writhing on the ground as a viscous green liquid leaked out from the recently severed burnt end.

‘PHHHOOOM! PHHHOOOM!’

Twilight fired purple beam after purple beam as a plethora of squirming tentacles continued to reach out from a swirling vortex from Twilight’s large, wood-framed mirror. She gritted her teeth as her eyes widened fearfully. She backed away from the mirror, shooting at tentacles and chanting the entire time.

‘PHHHOOOM! PHHHOOOM!’

“SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF! SHUT-IT-OFF!”

Suddenly, the edges of the vortex began to close in and the tentacles retracted, replaced by Elise as she sat next to a large, metal device that had an aperture pointed directly at the mirror on her end. She wore a white lab coat and safety goggles.

“Hey!” Elise said excitedly as she lifted the safety goggles from off her head. “We opened a portal! I mean… it wasn’t between our worlds, but that’s some pretty serious progress!”

“My floor is covered in tentacles!”Twilight huffed out as she motioned to her floor with a forehoof.

Elise’s eyes darted across all the tentacles on Twilight’s floor. “Erm… Hey! Look on the bright side,” Elise offered cheerfully. “They should fry up quite nicely.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes as a hissing noise sounded out. “The green ooze from the tentacles is melting my wooden floors,” she cried as she motioned to a number of new, smoking holes that had just opened up in her floor.

“Well uh… At least you’ll have a basement now?” Elise offered.

“I have a basement!” Twilight exclaimed.

Flames suddenly shot up from the holes in the basement with a ‘FWOOOSH!’

Twilight furrowed her brow. “And it’s full of magical potions and chemicals which can be dangerous if mishandled.”

Elise pursed her lips. “I’m just going to let you clean up now.”

Twilight nodded. “That would be best.”

<-ooooooo->

“Oh, it’s going,” Twilight assured with a nod.

“Oh yeah!” Dan cried. “Well look what I can do!”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “Dan, it’s okay! No pony expects you to…”

“No, I got this!” Dan cried. He closed his eyes and concentrated. “Turkey sandwich… Turkey sandwich…” he chanted softly he raised an arm out.

Everypony went quiet as Dan continued to chant and motion out into open air.

“… Turkey sandwich… Turkey sandwich… Turkey sandwich… Turkeeeeey saaaaandwiiiich…”

Rainbow Dash spoke up. “Soooo… are we supposed to join in the stupid chant too, or—”

Dan’s eyes shot open and he glared out at Rainbow Dash angrily. “YOU WRECKED MY CONCENTRATION! NOW I HAVE TO—!”

‘Pop!’

The group looked on as a single thin slice of turkey meat appeared in the air and fell to the floor with a soft ‘plop’.

For a few moments, no pony said anything.

Pinkie suddenly gasped. “DAN! You did it! Kinda-sorta!”

“HA!” Dan cried triumphantly.

“Whoa! Cool!” Spike exclaimed.

Fluttershy’s eyes widened in horror. “Oh that poor, poor turkey!”

“Huh…” Applejack said as she stared out the mirror. “Nice going there, pardner… I guess…”

Rainbow Dash folded her arms. “SO!” she cried. “It wasn’t an entire sandwich!” She grumpily looked away from the mirror. “Also I can break the sound barrier…” she uttered.

Dan chuckled and stood up. “Well, on that note, if you talentless losers will excuse us. Pinkie and I have a dinner to attend with a couple of our useless minions.”

Pinkie waved. “Bye-bye, everypony! It was so nice to see you! I love you all!” she said.

The ponies and Spike said their goodbyes as Pinkie replaced a blanket over the mirror, giving one more quick smile and a wave before the blanket blocked out the view.

Twilight’s horn glowed purple briefly as a bolt quickly hit the mirror. The word ‘MUTE’ appeared over it in big, purple letters.

Twilight’s smile suddenly dropped and she stared out at the mirror as if the item itself had just promised fiery doom upon Equestria.

Applejack trotted up to Twilight and put a forehoof up to her own mouth as she quietly spoke into Twilight’s ear. “Once we’ve figured out all this TOK and dimensional nonsense, we’re gonna figure out this whole Dan having magic powers and whatnot, right?”

Twilight nodded. “Definitely.”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation: Chapter 116: Pinkie Vs. Assassination Attempt

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation: Chapter 116: Pinkie Vs. Assassination Attempt

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation

Chapter 116: Pinkie Vs. Assassination Attempt

-ooooooo-

Laughter was Pinkie’s designated element for good reason. While it was true she often accidentally excelled at being an annoyance, she also excelled at making ponies and people laugh. Even bringing joy to the most irritable, and surly individuals. Tonight was no exception.

Pinkie sat at a small booth next to Dan, wearing her vest, white shirt, and jean shorts outfit. Across from them sat Elise and Chris, and in between both couples sat empty plates and glasses, the remnants of a finished meal. Pinkie excitedly spoke as she made enthusiastic motions with her hands, “… So then the doctor asks me for a ‘rectal speculum’, and of course I have no idea what he’s talking about…”

Dan, Chris, and Elise all laughed openly. “Hahahahaha…”

Pinkie continued her story, “… So I just stare at him for a moment and ask, ‘Why the hay is there a butt spatula?”

The laughter from her audience increased. “Hahahahahahahaha…”

“… it’s about that point the doctor finally realizes I’m completely unqualified to help him perform surgery and kicks me out of the room and that’s why I’m no longer allowed in the Ponyville Emergency Room.”

Chris attempted to control his laughter long enough to get a response out. “Hahahaha—Why did—hahahahehehe—Why did they even let youin the room in the firstplace?!”

Pinkie shrugged and smiled. “Dress for the job you want to have, I guess… Or at least the one you’re pretending you know enough about so they’ll even let you try…”

“… Hahahahaha…”

There was a soft sound, like something rapidly moving through the air, quickly followed by Elise lunging onto the table. The group went silent.

“Eeep…” Pinkie uttered as she stared at the long chef’s knife that was inches away from her face. A knife that had just been thrown at her head. A knife now held safely in Elise’s hand as she leaned across the table, stopped with not a split second to spare by her lightning-fast reflexes.

Dan shoot a look of pure, unadulterated rage at the waiter who had thrown the knife, a young man with short, brown hair who wore jeans and a long-sleeved, maroon shirt covered by a black apron. He frowned as he reaching for another knife.

Dan was out of the booth and sprinting to the waiter in a flash. Other employees of the restaurant looked on with grim expressions as they approached.

“Sir! I don’t want to hurt you!” The waiter said as he raised another knife. “She’s the targ—”

The waiter was cut short as he noticed a red flash followed by Dan moving with a speed he would not have expected.

Dan quickly thrust his fist into the waiter’s stomach.

‘POW!’

The waiter’s eyes went wide as he dropped his knife and fell to his knees. The air in his lungs was quickly pushed out as pain radiated out from the blow to his midsection.

The other employees paused as they witnessed Dan quickly dispatch Pinkie’s would-be assassin

Elise grabbed a glass off the table and lobbed it at a balding man in a chef’s jacket. The glass hit the side of his face and shattered with a ‘Kkrrrieeeesssshhh!’ The man fell to the ground. The other employees took a few steps back as Dan continued to mercilessly assault his target.

“Come on!” Elise cried as she quickly stood up. Chris followed as Elise grabbed Pinkie Pie by the hand and practically dragged the stunned girl out of the booth. The three of them made their way to the restaurant’s wooden double door entrance, Chris holding open a door for Pinkie and Elise. The soft light of the restaurant gave way to streetlight and twilight as the three made their way outside onto the concrete walkway.

Seeing that both her best friend and husband where safe, Elise turned back towards the restaurant doors. “I’m going back inside!” she announced.

“You’re going back for Dan?” Chris asked.

Elise tilted her head slightly. “I was thinking more hospitalizing the man who threw a knife at Pinkie’s face, but I’m sure that will somehow help Dan… or at least he will be happy about that.”

Pinkie frowned and whimpered slightly.

Elise sighed. “Fine! I’ll rescue Dan.”

Pinkie give a small smile and nodded.

‘Kkkkrrrrrrieeeeeesssshhhh!’

Without warning, one of the restaurant’s front windows shattered as the man who attacked Pinkie flew through it. He landed with a ‘thump!’ onto the concrete walkway of the restaurant.

There was a brief silence as Chris, Elise, and Pinkie simply stared for a moment.

Chris broke the silence. “… Did that man just fling himself through a closed window to get at Pinkie?!”

Elise and Pinkie raised their eyebrows and stared at Chris.

“Chris; honey,” Elise replied. “That sounds very unlikely.”

“MORE unlikely than Dan picking up and throwing him out the window?!” Chris cried.

Elise paused. “Alright, you have a point…”

Suddenly the double doors to the restaurant opened as Dan slowly pushed each one aside. He walked slowly and methodically out the doorway as his eyes caught the heap of waiter on the ground.

“Chris, how’s our waiter doing?” Dan asked simply.

Chris looked over the fallen waiter. Unmoving, save for the slight rise and fall of his chest. “He’s… uh… breathing?” he replied.

Dan’s face suddenly erupted into an open lipped smile of pointy teeth and eyes with a mad glint in them. “Good.”

Elise quickly stepped in front of Dan.

Dan narrowed his eyes and frowned. “Out of the way Elise. This man tried to kill Pinkie and I’m not about to let him off lightly.”

Elise nodded. “I just want to get a few hits in before you beat him into a bloody pulp.”

Dan rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. “Alright fine, but hurry it up. I still need to smash his face up until he’s only identifiable by dental records.”

Elise nodded. “Deal.”

Chris’s face went pale. “I think I want to go home, now…”

Pinkie quickly stepped in front of the fallen man. “I think you got him!”

Elise threw her arms up in frustration. “How come I never get to beat up people anymore?!”

Chris looked over at his wife. “You’re upset because you don’t get to beat up an unconscious restaurant employee?”

“Who attacked Pinkie with a knife!” Elise shot back. “Also, ‘yes’.”

Dan furrowed his brow as he looked past Elise at Pinkie. “I think you and I have very different definitions of ‘got him’”.

“I don’t want you to kill anybody!” Pinkie cried as she walked up to Dan.

“HE TRIED TO KILL YOU!” Dan yelled.

“I’M SURE HE HAD A GOOD REASON!” Pinkie screamed back.

Chris raised his hand. “Uh, for what it’s worth I also vote we don’t murder this man in this very public place.”

“Good thinking, Chris,” Elise said. “That way we can beat him up and torture him at our leisure.”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “But that’s not—”

Dan grinned wickedly. “I like it!”

“BY CELESTIA’S SPARKLY MANE!” Pinkie cried. “YOU TWO ARE NOT HAULING THIS MAN AWAY SO YOU CAN TAKE TURNS TORTURING HIM!”

Dan and Elise frowned. “But—”

Pinkie pointed off into the parking lot. “NO ‘BUTS’! WE’RE GOING BACK TO THE CAR SO I CAN HAVE A SOMEWHAT LESS PUBLIC MELTDOWN! ALRIGHT?!”

Dan and Elise’s each put on a surprised expression as Pinkie shrieked at them.

“Just trying to be a good boyfriend…” Dan muttered.

“And a good friend,” Elise added.

“WELL, DO ITWITHOUT KILLING ANYBODY!” Pinkie cried shrilly.

Dan put a hand up to his mouth and leaned towards Elise. “Can we even do that, here?”

Elise shrugged. “Well, if it’s what Pinkie wants.”

Pinkie took a half step closer to Dan and Elise, placing her face inches away from theirs. “IT IS WHAT PINKIE WANTS! NOW LET’S GO TO THE CAR!”

“Ow…” Dan uttered. He and Elise winced and covered their ears.

“We’re right here,” Dan said. “You don’t have to yell.”

“I CAN’T TURN YELLING OFF RIGHT NOW!” Pinkie shrieked. “NOW GET TO THE BUCKING CAR!”

The four quickly made their way to Chris and Elise’s blue sedan, where Chris quickly started the car and drove away from the restaurant.

For a while there was sil—

“WHAT THE BUCKING HAY WAS THAT?!” Pinkie cried as she began to breathe a number of short and shallow breaths.

Dan scrunched his brow. “Are you hyperventilating?”

“Huff-puff-huff-puff… SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO KILL ME! OF COURSE I’M HYPERVENTILATING!” Pinkie cried.

Dan pulled back slightly from the screaming then leaned over and wrapped an arm around Pinkie’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s alright! People try to kill us all the time!”

“NOT EMPLOYEES AT OUR FAVORITE BUCKING RESTAURANT, THOUGH!”

Elise sighed. “You should have let us take the waiter. We could have at least got some answers from him…”

“YOU TWO WERE GOING TO TORTURE HIM TO DEATH!”

Elise shrugged. “I would have considered offering him a quicker death had he told us something useful!”

Dan scratched his stubble covered cheek. “Maybe we he’s still lying on the walkway…”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and put her face right up against Dan’s. “You just keep quiet and get to comforting me!”

Dan scrunched his lips slightly and wrapped his other arm around Pinkie. She laid her head down in Dan’s lap.

“Hey!” Elise said. “Maybe we can figure out what hospital he’s going to be taken to! Then we can—”

“Elise,” Pinkie snapped, “you can also shut up for a second!”

Elise frowned slightly. “Alright, fine…”

Pinkie glanced towards the driver of the car. “Chris, please tell me you’ve thought of why someone might have tried to kill me or have an idea that doesn’t involve murdering someone else.”

“Hmmmm…” Chris placed an arm across his chest and rested an elbow in his hand has he stroked his chin thoughtfully.

Everyone else’s eyes shot open wide.

“CHRIS,” Elise cried. “KEEP AT LEAST ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL!”

‘HONK-HOOOOONK!’

“Ghah!” Chris cried as he quickly grabbed the wheel and jerked it to the right, pulling the car back into the proper lane.

The occupants of the car leaned to the left briefly before centering themselves once more.

Pinkie shot a worried smile towards the front of the car. “Also, please try to answer without accidentally killing all of us,” she requested.

Dan glowered at Chris. “Chris, how the heck did you even pass your driver’s licens test in the first place? Every time we let you drive, it’s like we’re gambling with our lives and the only prize we get if you’re successful is arriving at our destination alive and slightly mentally scarred.”

“Pinkie asked for my help!” Chris cried. “Sorry, someone asking for my thoughts on something doesn't come up very often! I got carried away!”

Dan looked at Pinkie, narrowed his eyes, and motioned out at Chris. “See what happens when you talk to him like he’s people?”

Pinkie mirrored Dan’s expression. “Quiet you! You’re still on snuggling duty.”

Dan sighed and wrapped his arms around Pinkie once again. Pinkie in turn leaned her head back on Dan’s lap.

“Now Chris,” Pinkie said, “try coming up with an idea while watching the road and keeping the car in the lane.”

Chris put on a ponderous face, keeping his hands on the wheel and paying a bit more attention to the road this time around. “Weeell… Remember that waitress from Lenny’s you kept on harassing?”

Dan smirked.

Pinkie giggled to herself. “Hehehe… Yeah… Good times.” Pinkie frowned. “Wait! I mean I tried to make things better with her!” she exclaimed.

Chris nodded. “Sure, but she still attacked you.”

Pinkie sighed. “Yeah…”

“And she mentioned something about a ‘food service code’, right?”

Pinkie suddenly sat upright. “Oooo! You’re right, Chris!”

Dan and Elise showed a little more interest in the conversation.

Chris continued, “So maybe there’s some secret organization of restaurant workers and you’re now on their hit list.”

“Oooo! Oooo! Like when those barbers tried to kill Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Dan folded his arms over his chest. “And all because Becky’s dad didn’t want me to date her.”

Pinkie smirked. “Also you stole her driver’s license and snuck up on her dad while he was sleeping and shaved his head.”

“Fe!” Dan said dismissively. “Details!” He thought for a second and added. “… And he screwed up my hair first!”

Elise smiled and placed a hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Nicely done, handsome! At least we have a working theory.”

Chris smiled at his wife, placed a hand on hers, and another on her thigh. “Thanks, beautifully.”

‘HOOOOONK-HOOOOONK!’

“CHRIS!” Elise exclaimed as she quickly dove for the wheel and turned it right.

The occupants of the car made a number of alarmed cries as Elise got the car back in the right lane.

Chris quickly put his hands back on the wheel.

“Alright mister,” Elise said, “pull over. I’m driving.”

“Thank you!” Dan huffed out.

“But…” Chris said in a protesting tone.

“No ‘buts’!” Elise said. “Almost getting us all killed twice is my limit for one evening!”

After pulling over, Chris switched places with Elise and the car ride continued.

Chris turned around in his seat looked into the backseat. “Dan, did you throw that man through a window?”

“No, I punched him through a window,” Dan replied.

Elise scrunched her eyebrows. “Like… he was standing right in front of the window when you hit him?”

Dan shook his head. “No he sailed a good few feet after I hit him…”

Chris and Elise exchanged confused, worried expressions.

Chris continued, “How is… How is that even possible?”

Pinkie smiled. “Remember when Dan and I got teleported to that cloudy dimension and I got turned back into a pony?” she asked.

Chris winced. “I remember the pony part pretty vividly.”

Elise chimed in, “And you both told us about the actual capture and escape part enough times I almost feel like Chris and I were both there.”

Pinkie continued, “Well, Dan’s started to figure out how to use some of his abilities he had in that place! Isn’t that great?” she said cheerfully.

Chris and Elise turned towards each other as panic set on their faces as quickly as a light bulb switching on. They both took deep breaths and responded the only sensible way they could think of.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Terrified screaming.

Dan folded his arms and stared forward grumpily.

Pinkie’s expression went blank as she turned to stare at Dan, then up front, then back to Dan.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Just let them get it out of their system…”

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Chris and Elise continued to scream until they made it back to their single story, adobe home. The four occupants of the car exited and made their way to the house.

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Pinkie cocked her head to the side as she looked at Dan. “Should we…?”

“They have to stop some time,” Dan replied as everyone made their way into the house. He closed the door behind the group as Chris and Elise elected to stand in their living room and continue screaming.

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Dan sighed and made his way to Chris and Elise’s large couch. “Goofball, why don’t you pick out a movie or something. Looks like these two imbecileles might be at it for a while…”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. She bounded up to a cabinet full of thin rectangular items and ran her finger over each one as she stared at the titles. Her face lit up as her finger drifted over a particularly wide box. She pulled it out and showed it to Dan with a smile on her face.

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Dan shrugged. “Alright, go ahead.”

Pinkie grinned as she opened up the box labeled ‘Lord of the Rings’ with the words ‘Extended Edition’ printed at the top. She went about setting up the TV and then happily bounded up to the couch where she sat next to Dan and leaned her head on his shoulder.

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

-ooo~~Several disc changes later~~ooo-

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Dan and Pinkie stared out at the screen their eyes bleary and veiny. Pinkie rested her head on Dan’s lap as she laid sprawled across the length of the couch. Dan’s head sat cocked and his shoulders slumped as his arms were draped limply over Pinkie. The darkness outside had already given away to sunlight that flooded the living room.

“Well, I’m back …” was uttered from the TV speakers accompanied by a melodic whistle.

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

With what seemed like a tremendous amount of effort, Pinkie rose off the couch and walked over to the TV. She fiddled with the disk player in front and carefully put away the film trilogy she and Dan had started the night before.

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Pinkie trudged back over to the couch and helped Dan to his feet.

Dan shot a tired, angry scowl at Chris and Elise.

“Soo… Pinkie and I are going to go get some sleep,” he informed.

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

“You two try to get all this stupidness out of you while we’re away…”

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Stifling yawns, Dan and Pinkie made their way out of the house.

-ooo~~Several hours of sleep later~~ooo-

Dan pushed open the door to Chris and Elise’s house, hoping the many hours away had given the two time to…

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

“WOULD YOU TWO IDIOTS KNOCK IT OFF, ALREADY?!” Dan cried. “WE STILL NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY PINKIE WAS ATTACKED, AND IT’S KIND OF HARD TO CONCENTRATE WHEN YOU TWO ARE CONTINUOUSLY SCREAMING!”

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”

Pinkie walked in and stared at Chris and Elise with concern.

Dan sighed. “Wait here,” he said to Pinkie as he walked out of the house.

Pinkie waited patiently as Dan walked outside. He quickly returned with a garden hose he had kinked at the end. He pointed the end at Chris and Elise and let the hose go straight.

“… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHARRGARBLE!”

Chris and Elise threw their hands up in front of their faces as Dan drenched them with water.

“Dan—AHHRAHHGRABBLE— STOP!” Chris pleaded.

“Are you two finally done screaming?!” Dan demanded.

“YES, YES!” Elise cried. “PLEASE STOP HOSING US DOWN IN OUR OWN LIVING ROOM!”

Dan let the hose fall to the floor.

“Really, Dan!” Elise cried. “You brought a garden hose into our house?!”

“Drastic times call for drastic measures!” Dan shot back.

Chris quickly grabbed the hose and ran outside.

Pinkie chimed in, “You two have been screaming for almost an entire day at this point.”

“Sorry,” Elise replied, “it’s just that we find the idea of Dan being able to teleport objects at will and channel energy into his fists objectively terrifying.”

“Hey, you know what else is frightening?” Dan chimed in. “THE IDEA THAT THERE’S A SECRET ORGANIZATION OF RESTAURANT WORKERS WHO WANT TO KILL PINKIE!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip and whimpered slightly.

Elise pursed her lips as Chris walked back into the house, closing the door behind him.

“Alright, Chris and I will help you two figure this out—” Elise said.

“Good!” Dan replied. “Let’s get—”

“After we’ve gotten some sleep!” Elise stated.

“What?!” Dan cried. “Oh, come on!”

“It’s okay, Dan!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “We can sit here and watch more movies!”

Dan pursed his lips. “Alright, fine…”

Chris stifled a yawn as he and Elise walked out of the room. “Goodnight, Dan.”

“IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON!” Dan cried.

“Ooooh Daaaaan~” Pinkie purred out.

Dan turned to see Pinkie holding up a copy of ‘STAR WARS: The Complete Saga’.

Dan grinned. “I love you.”

Pinkie giggled. “I know.”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation: Chapter 117 Ninja Dave Vs. Hit Notice

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation: Chapter 117 Ninja Dave Vs. Hit Notice

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. National Association of Restaurants Foundation

Chapter 117: Ninja Dave Vs. Hit Notice

-ooooooo-

Elise shambled out into the living room, a deep scowl already set on her forehead as she stared at Dan. Chris followed, looking notably better rested.

“What the heck took you two so long?!” Dan cried. “We’ve already made it through the disappointment trilogy!” Dan turned back to the television. “Also, make us dinner.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Nice to see you too, Dan.”

“Hey, Dan. Hey, Pinkie,” Chris said nonchalantly.

“Hiya, Elise! Hiya, Chris!” Pinkie greeted cheerfully.  She had laid in what appeared to be her favorite movie-watching position, her entire body sprawled across the couch with her head resting on Dan’s lap. Her pink flats sat in front of the couch.  “Did you sleep well?” she asked with a smile.

Elise frowned. “Are you kidding? Dan ranted and raved constantly! I have no idea how you can even put up with it!”

Pinkie shot Elise a sly grin. “Oh, I have my ways of keeping him quiet when I want to.”

Dan chuckled as he gently stroked Pinkie’s hair. “She really does.”

Elise raised a hand to her forehead. “Right, forget I said anything…”

Pinkie frowned. “Like… Anything, anything?”

“No, what I meant was… Nevermind…” She turned to Chris. “What I don’t get is how you were able to fall asleep so fast.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Do you know how many times I’ve heard Dan’s prequel rants? I get drowsy every time I hear the word ‘Midi-chlorian’!”

“You should be thanking me!” Dan asserted. “My insights are the only thing that make parts of the movies tolerable.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “I don’t need your insights to enjoy the movies. I mean, I know the movies aren’t perfect, but I don’t think they’re that bad.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “That’s because your taste in movies sucks.”

Elise cocked an eyebrow as she turned back to Dan. “What I don’t get is you watch horrible movies! Like… absolutely horrendously bad ‘B’ movies, and you still complain about the prequels!”

Dan held out his hands palms up and contorted his face as if anger and confusion were fighting for control of his muscles. “It’s Star Wars!” he declared. “It has standards!”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Right, because a movie trilogy in which teddy bears help save the day must be flawless…”

Pinkie frowned. “Ilike the Ewoks… ”

“Listen,” Dan cried, “I don’t have time to lecture you two on everything wrong with the prequels and why you’re opinions are bad and wrong! We need to dig up information on this secret restaurant cabal.”

Pinkie nodded. “I would kinda like to know why someone tried to kill me at my favorite restaurant… Attempted murder or not, it would be nice to go again sometime… ”

Elise placed a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Pinkie, we’ll help you figure this out.”

Dan frowned. “If only we had a connection to the foodservice industry… Someone who's been working in it for a while… Someone whose unique combat skills combined with their ability to make food makes them a likely source of information on this previously unknown world of serving food and killing people.” Dan tapped stroked his chin thoughtfully.

The group went silent for a brief moment as everyone turned to stare at Dan with quizzical expressions.

“Uh… Dan?” Pinkie said.

“Shhhh… ” Dan replied. “Something will come to me.”

Pinkie sat and up and smiled sheepishly at Chris and Elise. “Why don’t we let Dan think about this on the road?”

Elise nodded. “Good idea.”

Chris and Elise walked towards the front door of their house. Chris opened the door and held it open as Elise went outside into the still bright Southern California evening.

Pinkie stood up and grabbed Dan by the hand. She walked him outside as he stared off into space, stroked his chin, and hummed contemplatively to himself. “Hmmmmmmmmmm…”

Chris walked outside, closing the door behind him.

The group made their way to Chris and Elise’s blue sedan, Dan with the same expression on his face and position of his hand as he continued to think. “Hmmmmmmmmmm…”

Soon the car was off with Elise and Chris in the front once more with Elise at the helm. Pinkie had a small smile on her face as she held onto Dan’s free hand and he continued to stroke his chin with the other. “Hmmmmmmmmmm…”

-ooo-

“Here you go, Pinkie!” Chris said as he handed a paper bag labeled ‘Burgerphile’ to Pinkie.

“Thank you!” Pinkie replied as she took the back and opened it. She fished out a wrapped burger, unwrapped it, and pulled up the top bun. She closed it with a satisfied smile and handed it to Dan.

“Hmmmmmmmmmm…” Dan hummed as he took the burger and began absentmindedly eating it.

-ooo-

The blue sedan slowed and came to a stop as it pulled up next to a sidewalk. Chris, Elise, and Pinkie quickly exited the car. Pinkie stopped at the open door and looked inside. “You coming?” she asked Dan as he continued to stroke his chin.

“Hmmmmmmmmmm… I got it!” Dan said suddenly as he took his hand off his chin and held his index finger up. “We’ll figure out where Hortense and Jeremiah Burger have eloped to and get them to spill the secret underbelly of the foodservice industry!”

Pinkie looked at Dan with a small smile. “Uhhh… How about we call that Plan ‘B’?”

Dan furrowed his brow at Pinkie. “Why? What’s plan ‘A’?”

Pinkie moved slightly, allowing Dan to see past her. “Ninja Dave,” she said as she motioned to the yellow building outside with that had a giant cookie being stabbed by a giant ninjatō sitting on top of it.

Dan folded his arms. “Suuuure! Let’s just do everything the easy way!”

“Well… I would kind of like to not have to worry about being killed as soon as possible,” Pinkie replied.

Dan’s eyes widened slightly. “Huh… I guess I would too, now that you mention it…” Dan quickly undid his seatbelt, exited the car and walked around it. He met up with Pinkie and took one of her hands into his as the two walked towards the front of the store.

Chris and Elise stood at the entrance to the store and frowned.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Have you two forgotten how doors work in between now and when you got out of the car?”

“No, Dan,” Chris replied. “The shop is closed.” Chris motioned to the ‘Closed’ sign on the door. Window blinds made looking into the store impossible.

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip.

“What?!” Dan cried. “Ninja Dave almost never closes outside his normal hours! Did he leave a note?”

Chris and Elise shook their heads.

Dan cocked his head to the side. “Are you sure he didn’t leave some sort of secret message you’re just not noticing because he used that crazy, ninja code language of his?”

Elise rolled her eyes. “You mean Japanese? I would have noticed, I’ve been fluent since I was a teenager.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Maybe he and Becky are out on a funerrific date together!” she suggested cheerfully.

Suddenly, the door to the cookie shop began to slowly open. Everyone turned as Becky poked her head out.

“Uh… A funerrrific stay at work date!” Pinkie added.

Becky placed a finger over her lips and motioned the group to come inside. Everyone quietly filed in the store as Becky held the door cracked open just enough for everyone to get inside. She closed the door behind the group.

“Were you followed?”

The group turned as their collective expression turned concerned. Ninja Dave stepped out of the shadows of his cookie shop, ninjatō drawn.

“On, Ninja Dave!” Pinkie cried in a distress tone. “Not you, too!”

Elise and Dan suddenly stepped in front of Pinkie as they narrowed their eyes at Ninja Dave.

“Shhhhhhhh… !” Ninja Dave replied as he walked up to a window, slowly pulled a blind aside, and glanced outside.

“I didn’t notice anybody or any vehicles trailing us,” Elise said. “Believe me, I would have noticed.”

Ninja Dave nodded. He looked up at Pinkie. “I’m guessing there was an attempt on your life?”

Pinkie frowned and nodded, a small distressed-sounding. “Umm-hmmm…” escaping from her as she did.

Dan furrowed his brow. “Wait, you knew something like this might happen and you didn’t warn us!?”

Dave sheepishly scratched the back of his head. “I uh… I tend to get caught up in my baking and don’t get to foundation correspondence right away…”

Chris knitted his brow slightly. “‘Foundation’?”

Dan took a step forward and thrust an index finger Dave’s face. “Pinkie could have died because you couldn’t be bothered to check your mail!”

Dave frowned and held his free hand in front of him defensively. “Look dude, I feel totally bad about that! I absolutely would have told you sooner had I known.”

Becky spoke up, “He just saw the hit notice a little while ago.”

Dan sneered at Dave. “Well why didn’t you try to call us or anything?!”

Dave sighed. “It’s not as simple as that! I wanted to warn you, but I needed some level of plausible deniability! If the foundation found out or finds out I helped I’ll become a target too.”

“Look, it’s fine,” Elise interjected. “Just tell us more about this ‘foundation’.”

“Oh no it most certainly is not ‘fine’!” Dan cried. “Pinkie almost got killed and the one person who could have given us a heads up dropped the ball!”

Becky pursed their lips. “That was sort of my bad too,” she said. She motioned out to Dave. “When I found out he might be in danger, I wanted to figure out a way he could help while minimizing the chance he’d be targeted.”

“Awwww…” Pinkie uttered.

Dan turned and narrowed his eyes at Becky. “Don’t think just because you and I have a history means I’m suddenly going to forgive Ninja Dave for this.”

Becky rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her chest. “What history?”

“Exactly!” Dan hissed out.

“Dan, we’re here now and Dave is not going to kill me.” Pinkie turned to Dave with a concerned look on her face. “Right?”

Dave nodded. “Right.”

Pinkie put a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “I think you should just let this one go and we can figure out what to do next.”

Dan quickly crossed his arms in front of him and threw them to his sides. “No way! This is the second time Ninja Dave has let us down! I’m disowning him!”

“I… Wait, what?” Dave replied.

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “Dan, please don’t disown Ninja Dave!”

“I’m absolutely disowning Ninja Dave!” Dan replied.

Dave rolled his eyes and walked over to the counter where a plate of chocolate chip cookies sat. “Look, I closed up shop so I could figure this whole thing out. You guys are welcome to all the cookies you can eat.”

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed happily.

“I absolutely retract my previous statement!” Dan declared.

Chris turned to Dave. “Are you sure about this?”

Dave nodded. “I got an official notice for Pinkie and everything.”

“No, I mean the ‘free cookie’ part,” Chris said. “I mean… I can eat a lot of cookies.”

Elise sighed and put a hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Chris, go grab some cookies. I’ll ask Dave about this mysterious foundation.”

“Yay! Story time!” Pinkie exclaimed as Dave set a pile of chocolate chip cookies down at a table. She and Dan sat down at the table and each grabbed a cookie. Elise and Becky sat down with them as Chris walked around the shop, grabbing different cookies and shoving them in his mouth.

Dave cleared his throat. “The National Association of Restaurant Foundation is an international—”

“HEY!” Dan cried. “I’m still upset with you! I’ll ask the questions! Tell us about this mysterious foundation!”

Dave rolled his eyes. “The National Association of Restaurant Foundation is an international—”

“Wait,” Dan said, his eyes narrowed. “If they’re ‘international’ why are they called the ‘National Association of Restaurant Foundation’?”

Pinkie stifled a giggle.

Dave pointed at Dan. “I asked the exact same thing when I joined, dude. Apparently they originally started out just national, but expanded to include restaurants from other countries.”

“So why don’t they change the name?” Dan asked.

“Apparently they put it to a vote amongst the high council. Ultimately they decided it was too expensive to update all the stationery, uniforms, and monolithic signs made out of solid gold that bared the group’s acronym.”

Pinkie broke out into a laughing fit. “HeheheheHAHAHAHAHA… Are you telling us—hehehehe—that there are a bunch of giant—HAHAHAHAHA—golden signs that say—AHAHAHAHA—that say ‘NARF’?!”

Dave sighed. “Yes, unfortunately. They prefer to spell out the acronym in conversation, but they tend to skimp on periods when it comes to erecting signs.”

Pinkie continued her laughing fit as she smacked a palm against her face and banged on the table with a fist. “HEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “And you’re associated with such a ridiculous organization, becaaaause…?”

Dave glanced to his side as he raised his palms up. “Give me a break, dude! When I opened the shop, I had just stopped becoming a Ninja, and my clan was already wiped out! N.A.R.F.--”

“NARF!” Pinkie exclaimed before she returned to her laughing fit. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Dave rolled his eyes and continued. “–gave me back something that was now gone from my life. An opportunity to be part of a group again! A shadowy group that sometimes kills people!”

Becky frowned. “I think you might have a bit of a problem there…”

Elise turned to Becky with a slightly confused look on her face. “Oh really? It makes perfect sense to me.”

Dave narrowed his eyes and smirked as he shot Becky a look. “Don’t try to change me, baby.”

Becky shook her head and smiled. “Oh well, guess it’s true what they say. ‘Girls are attracted to guys that remind them of their dad’.”

Pinkie controlled her laughter long enough to utter an “Awwwww…”

Dan scowled out angrily. “Why are we taking a pit-stop in nauseating touchy-feely land?! How do we take this group of evil restaurant assassins out?”

“They’re not evil!” Ninja Dave exclaimed.

“Excuse you, but one of them tried to kill Pinkie!” Dan shot back.

“Well, normally I’d totally agree that’s a pretty good reason to consider a group evil…”

Chris spoke up through a mouthful of cookie, “Ywou mwean if Pwinkie and Dwan haffn’t antawgonwized thwem ffwirst.”

“Exactly!” Ninja Dave replied.

Elise looked at Chris. “Honey, don’t talk with your mouth full.”

Chris swallowed the food in his mouth. “Whoops… sorry…”

Pinkie frowned. “But I never even heard of NARFuntil today… Hehehehehe…”

“Well you didn’t antagonize the entire group, but you did end up picking on a single member. And you did it enough times that the group granted her the right to challenge you to one-on-one combat.”

Pinkie gasped. “Helen!”

Dave nodded. “Yep, that’s her.”

“See Dan,” Pinkie said, “I knew there was a good reason I was attacked at the restaurant…”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “You harassing a waitress over and over again is not a good reason for you to be marked for death!”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “Well… I guess it’s a reason at least…” Pinkie turned back to Dave. “But she challenged me and we fought!” Pinkie cried.

Dave nodded. “However, you didn’t win.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “But… but… I was totally beating the snot out of her!”

“Yes, but you were supposed to fight until the death, or at least one of you was unable to fight!” Dave said. “When you ran from the fight, you technically forfeited.”

“See what happens when you don’t kill people!” Dan cried.

Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver as she turned and faced Dan. “But you don’t kill people!”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, but I’ve been meaning to start.”

Pinkie whimpered slightly. “Please don’t…”

Dan sighed. “Fine!” He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “But for the record, I’m agreeing under protest.”

Elise spoke up, “If they wanted to kill Pinkie, why not poison her food?”

“Big N.A.R.F taboo,” Dave replied as he held up his hands and shook them back and forth. “We’re not allowed to take out targets with food. It’s potentially bad for business and it’s likely the target’s last meal. Killing them or not, we want them to enjoy it.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Having the staff murder someone at the restaurant isn’t bad for business?”

“The foundation also covers up assassinations,” Dave answered. “And tends to do a good job explaining why a target was chosen to whoever was with the target… you’d be amazed how well a bunch of gift certificates work… Anyhow, they just didn’t count on Pinkie having dinner with such a skilled martial artist,” Dave said as he motioned at Elise.

“Hey!” Dan cried. “I pummeled the man who attacked Pinkie into unconsciousness!”

Dave shot Dan a skeptical look. “Uh… Really?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yep! Dan punched him through a window and everything!”

Dave paused and thought about this. “… Cool,” he replied with a smile.

Becky stared out into space with a concerned look on her face. “Wait, Dan’s actually strong enough to punch someone through a window?! That’s a kind of scary thought.”

“You have no idea,” Elise replied.

Chris swallowed the cookies he had shoveled into his mouth and stopped eating long enough to speak up, “What I don’t get is if you can be targeted for assassination for harassing a restaurant, why hasn’t anyone come after Dan?”

“Well, he does have a dossier of all the times he’s had an altercation at a restaurant…” Dave replied.

Dan blew out a dismissive gust of air. “Pffft… Most major organizations have dossiers on me, they’re not so special.”

Dave continued, “The thing is, most of Dan’s complaints are cheese or dairy-related, so he’s sort of considered justified in most his attacks.”

“HA!” Dan cried victoriously.

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “Seriously? Dan almost caused a Burgerphile to burn down over one cheese issue…”

“Well, fast food places rarely have many guild members for starters. Sometimes in management positions, but other staff members rarely stick around long enough to be told about the foundation… Also, as much as things escalated, the foundations decided Dan was in the right on that one since he simply asked to have his order fixed before things got out of hand.”

“HA, again!” Dan cried.  “Maybe this place isn’t so bad...” He frowned. “You know… aside from wanting to kill Pinkie, that is.”

Pinkie let out a soft whimper.

“Speaking of which,” Elise said, “what do we do about that?”

Dave rubbed his chin briefly. “Well, Pinkie can avoid stepping foot in restaurants from now on…”

Pinkie’s eyes widened and she puffed out her lower lip. “But… but… spaghetti and meatballs!” she cried.

Chris swallowed another bit of cookie and turned to Pinkie. “You can always just order the food to go, you know…”

“It’s not the saaaaaame~” Pinkie wailed.

Dan resolutely stood to his feet. “No way are just going to let this slide! Angry, rude waitress or not, Pinkie was attacked and we’re going to do something about it!”

Pinkie shot Dan a concerned look. “Dan, it’s alright… we don’t have to—”

“I agree with Dan.”

The room went completely silent as everybody turned towards Elise.

“… I can’t believe I just said that…” Elise said. “Still! I can’t just sit by while my best friend is marked for death by a shadowy group of restaurant workers.”

Dan slapped punched a fist into his palm, a wicked smile erupted over his face “Great! Let’s go find their headquarters and start wrecking stuff!”

“Well… I think a little more planning is in order,” Elise replied. She smiled. “But I do like the idea of busting some heads.”

“Fine!” Pinkie cried. “Just no killing anyone!”

“Awwww…” Dan and Elise replied in unison. “Why not?”

Ninja Dave sighed. “Look, I have another solution.”

Becky frowned heavily. “I’m still not sure about this…”

Dave turned to her. “Well if things go wrong, we’d all be together anyways… And they’re all ready to go to war with the N.A.R.F., anyhow…”

Pinkie giggled. “Still funny…”

“You’re going to sneak us into their headquarters?” Elise suggested.

Dave shook his head. “No. Since Pinkie works in the foodservice industry, she’s eligible for membership. I can simply take her and ask if she can apply. If she becomes a member, only the member who has a grievance with her would be able to attack her, not the entire foundation itself.”

Pinkie inhaled a huge volume of air. “You can do that?”

“Well yeah… I mean… the only problem is I’m technically supposed to kill you when you’re done eating cookies.”

“WHAT?!” Dan and Elise roared.

“Well I wasn’t gonna!” Dave replied as he put his hands up defensively.

Pinkie paused. “What if I just don’t stop eating cookies?”

“I…” Dave paused and thought about it. “I don’t… I don’t know… I guess I’d have to ask a foundation leader about that…” Dave smiled. “And then I’d have another reason to go to the local HQ.” He gave Pinkie a serious look. “But do you think you can keep eating cookies long enough until we got to the local foundation headquarters?”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow as she stared back at Ninja Dave. “Well d’uuuuh!”

Becky chuckled. “Heh, I think you forgot who you were talking to for a second there.”

“Uh… fair enough…” Dave replied as she smiled sheepishly, he turned towards his display case. “Let’s just make sure we have enough…” Dave trailed off as he noticed a barren display case, Chris standing behind it with a cookie in hand.

“MONKEY-FACE! STOP EATING THE TICKETS TO PINKIE’S SALVATION!” Dan cried.

“But they’re sooo good!” Chris whined.

“I think that’s enough cookies for you, mister,” Elise said sternly.

Chris sighed. “Oh… alright…”

Dave sheathed his weapon and rushed back behind the counter. “It’s alright, I’ll make more. Dan, Chris, why don’t you two help me? Pinkie, pace yourself eating the remaining cookies until we can make a bunch more batches.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

“Right,” Dan said as he rushed behind the counter. “Monkey face, make sure you don’t eat too much of the cookie dough! We need to actually make cookies for Pinkie to eat!”

“But… but… cookie dough!” Chris protested.

“I’ll keep an eye on the perimeter,” Elise said as she walked up to the blinds. She tossed a glance at Chris. “And my husband,” she added.

Chris grinned sheepishly at Elise.

“And I’ll keep an eye on the cameras,” Becky said as she walked towards the counter.

The members of the group all began occupying themselves with their assigned tasks as Pinkie slowly nibbled on a cookie in her hand.

Dave looked at Pinkie as he began adding ingredients to a large bowl in front of him. “Just to warn you, applying for membership isn’t a walk in the park. Some of the challenges are dangerous… life-threatening even.”

Pinkie merely pointed at Dan. “I live with Dan,” she reminded.

Dave thought about this briefly. “Uh… fair enough…”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 118 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Roundup

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 118 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Roundup

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 118 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Roundup

-ooooooo-

Pinkie smiles up at Dan as he set a massive plate piled high with cookies in front of her.

“Here,” Dan said as he tossed an angry glance inChris’s direction. “We somehow managed to scrounge up enough dough to make several dozen cookies despite jerk-face’s constant attempts to feed his jerk face.”

“Oh, it’s alright,” Pinkie said cheerfully before she continued munching on the cookie already in her hand.

Chris rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Sorry, it’s just that cookie dough is soooo good.”

Dan turned to Elise, who was still busy walking from window blind to window blind, looking out for any potential threats. “You better hope your better half never has to choose between you and food. Otherwise, you’re toast, sister.”

Elise rolled her eyes as she continued to look outside. “I’m sure Chris—”

“Chris has sold me out for a pie on more than one occasion!” Dan quickly interjected.

Elise went quiet and tossed a sideways glance at Chris.

“Okay, I didn’t sell Dan out!” Chris insisted. “I just felt it was in everyone’s best interest that I finish the pies I was given before helping Dan.”

Dan narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth, but Pinkie was quicker to speak up. “How the hay is you eating pies while Dan is locked out of his home or trapped in a strange apartment in his best interest?!”

Dan merely smiled.

Ninja Dave winced as he pulled another tray of cookies from the oven. “Geez dude, you must have dun goofed if Pinkie’s taking shots at you.”

Chris sighed heavily. “… Yeaaah….”

Elise shook her head. “Look, can we get this show on the road? It certainly doesn’t look like anyone suspicious is coming to the shop or setting up an ambush.”

“Just a second, Elise!” Pinkie said. She turned to Dave. “Can anyone who works in the food industry try to join NARF…? Hehehehehe…”

Dave sighed and rolled his eyes. “Pretty much, yeah. Just so long as an existing NAR—I mean N.A.R.F. member lets them know about the organization's existence…”

“Wait,” Dan said. “So I could join? And so could Monkey-face?”

Chris frowned as he walked in front of the counter. “But I don’t want—”

“Quiet, Monkey-face!” Dan snapped. “You don’t get to vote.”

Chris’s frown increased as he turned to Elise.

Elise merely shrugged. “I think joining a shadowy organization could be good for you, sweetie!” She smiled. “And we’d have more to talk about as well!”

Chris released a defeated sigh as he hung his head.

“You could totally apply,” Dave said to Dan. “In fact…” Dave glanced away for a second as he thought about this. He smiled. “In fact, the whole bakery could try out! The tests are a little less brutal for teams joining… Butdo you think they’re up for the challenge?”

Dan smiled. “We’ve assembled a team of employees equal parts psychotic and dedicated! Many grossly overqualified for their positions!”

“Also Gibson!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Dan nodded. “And Gibson…” He paused and scrunched his brow as he tried to stare up at it. He turned to Pinkie. “Who?”

“Uh… The kid who keeps hitting on every pretty girl that walks into the bakery…” Pinkie replied.

“Oh, him…” Dan replied. “Wait… He hasn’t had a panic attack that caused him to run outside screaming ‘Make it stop!? Make it stop!?’ yet?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Noper!”

Elise shot Chris an inquisitive look.

“Last week was rough,” Chris said simply.

 Dan shrugged. “Eh, I’m sure he’ll make good cannon fodder.”

“Dan!” Chris cried. “No one is going to be shooting at us.” He turned to Dave. “Right?”

Dave merely shrugged, causing a crestfallen look to appear on Chris’s face.

“Anyhow,” Dan continued, “I’m positive our mish-mash merry band of crazy misfits can handle a few tests. I mean, if they can handle the morning rush at the bakery, they can probably handle just about anything.”

Dave nodded. “Sounds good to me, but are you sure you can get everyone together on such short notice?”

Dan’s lips began to pull open slowly into a wicked grin of pointed teeth. “Oh, don’t worry about that… I have a plan…”

-ooooo-

“Wally,” Dan began, “I need everyone to stop whatever stupid thing they’re doing and come with me to apply for membership to a shadowy foodservice organization, otherwise Pinkie has to eat cookies forever or she might be killed.”

The balding, bespectacled man stared up at Dan from his desk. Pinkie, Ninja Dave, Becky, Elise, and Chris all stood behind Dan, completely silent aside from a brief “Omn.”as Pinkie took a bite out of a cookie.

“… Okay.” Wally replied. He stood up from his desk. “I’ll let everyone know. We were just about done closing up, anyhow…”

“Huh, that was easy,” Becky stated.

Wally shrugged. “This isn’t even close to the weirdest thing Dan and Pinkie have come to me with,” he said as he walked out of the office.

Dan turned to Chris and Elise and shot the pair an annoyed expression. “See how efficient everything is when someone just believes me right off the bat.”

Chris and Elise frowned.

“In our defense,” Chris began, “Uhhh…” He turned to Elise. “Help me out here, honey.”

Elise scrunched her lips to the side of her face and glanced up at the ceiling briefly. “Yeah… er… I got nothing,” she admitted.

The group followed Wally out of the office.

“Alright everyone,” Wally said. “Pinkie needs our help so she can stop eating cookies and not be killed.”

Gibson and Amber stopped their cleaning of the dining room area and both stared up with confused expressions on their faces.

Gibson stopped wiping down a table.

Amber stopped mopping. “… What?!”

Pinkie nodded. “It’s true, Amber!” Pinkie cried in a slightly distressed tone. “I’m now marked for death by NARF! Pffffft… HeheheheheheheHahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

The situation now explained to her, Amber formulated an appropriate response. “… What?!”

“Look, this is incredibly simple!” Dan cried. “Pinkie was attacked at a restaurant, we escaped after I beat the heck out of our waiter who tried to kill her, and then we drove to Ninja Dave’s” — Dan motioned out to Ninja Dave who smiled, waved, and said “Yo.”— “Who told us the National Association of Restaurants Foundation has marked Pinkie for death because she continuously delivered some well-deserved vengeance upon a Lenny’s employee, but because Ninja Dave technically has to kill Pinkie via N.A.R.F. code after she finishes eating, she has to keep eating cookies. However, since we’re all members of the foodservice industry we qualify to join, and if we become members Pinkie will no longer be a target of the organization and also we’ll maybe get to kill people that bug us.”

At the last line, Pinkie’s eyes widened and she whimpered.

“… What?!” Amber replied.

“Pinkie’s been marked for death?!” Gibson cried in a slightly panicked tone as he walked up to the front counter. “No! I refuse to believe it!”

Dan nodded. “Sad, but true… uh… you…”

“But… but… bazongas!” Gibson responded as he motioned out to Pinkie’s chest.

Amber sighed heavily and shook her head as she also walked up. “Gibson, if you ever want a girlfriend, it’s in your best interest that you never use that word ever again.”

Dan frowned as he stared at Gibson. “I’m going to stab you now.”

Elise quickly produced her sheathed ninjatō and handed it to Dan. “Here, use this.”

“Uh… sorry…” Gibson said. “I shouldn’t have—”

Dan removed Elise’s sword from its scabbard.

‘Shiiiiing!’

“Whoa! I said I was sorry!” Gibson cried.

Pinkie quickly stepped in between Dan and Gibson and held an open palm and a cookie in front of her. “Wait! We might need him for the tests!”

Dan contemplated this briefly. “Fine, I’ll just stab him a little bit.”

Gibson quickly ducked behind Pinkie. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“No stabbing!” Pinkie said.

Dan and Elise exchanged glances briefly. “But…”

“NO STABBING!” Pinkie cried in a shrill tone.

Dan sighed and sheathed Elise’s sword. He handed the weapon back to her.

Gibson breathed a sigh of relief as he remerged from behind Pinkie.

“Can I at least punch him in the face?” Dan asked.

Pinkie nodded. “Yes you may…” she answered before taking another bite of her cookie. “Omn.”

Gibson frowned. “Wait—”

‘POW!’

“OW!”

Dan retracted his fist. “Good, now where’s Sarge?”

“Right here, sir,” Sarge said as he walked out of the kitchen, an apron over a black t-shirt and green camo pants, and his arm still in a sling, D.H. and Crunchy close behind him.

“New mission, sir?” Sarge asked.

Dan nodded. “We’re going to infiltrate a secret organization of foodservice workers.”

“Well not so much infiltrate,” Ninja Dave corrected, “more ‘I’m going to just take you there and then you all are going to apply for membership’.”

Sarge smiled and nodded. “You have my bell.”

Amber stepped forward. “And my Tae Bo.”

“And my Axe,” Gibson said with a grin as he reached into his pocket and produced a small, cylindrical metal spray bottle.

Everyone turned and gave Gibson a blank stare.

“Oh, come on! That was gold and you all know it!” Gibson cried.

Becky knitted her brow slightly. “So, do you just carry that around in the hopes you can make that joke, or—”

Gibson’s face lit up as he noticed the tan woman in the pink shirt that read ‘NERD’. He wasted no time stepping up to her and taking one of his hands in his. “Hello,” he said, his voice dropping slightly. “Name’s Gibson, I sing and play the guitar.”

‘Shiiiiing!’

Gibson’s eyes widened as he recognized the sounds of a sword being drawn for the second time that night.

“Uh… My boyfriend is a ninja, dude,” Becky informed as she nodded to Ninja Dave.

Gibson turned towards Dave, paying special attention to the ninjatō Dave had unsheathed.

Dave shot Gibson a warning look.

Gibson slowly let go of Becky’s hand and stepped back. “Why does everyone have swords today?!” Gibson cried. “And why is it all the pretty girls are in relationships already or Amber?”

Amber pursed her lips. “I’m not sure… I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to that…”

Gibson winked at her. “Anyway you want to, baby.”

Amber narrowed her eyes. “… What?”

Crunchy turned to D.H. “So what do we have?”

D.H. stared up at the ceiling briefly with one eye and down at her nose with the other. “I think we have a can-do attitude,” she answered.

“Huh… radical,” Crunchy replied.

“Alright!” Dan began. “Now that the troops are assembled…To the Dan mobile!” he announced dramatically.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Alright, I’m not sure if you mean your car or Elise’s and my car, but either way there’s…” Chris trailed off as he took a quick head count. He silently mouthed numbers as his finger drifted over the group of people. “…Twelve people here. We’ll need at least three cars.”

Dan paused and announced, “… To the Dan mobiles! Wait…” He turned to Ninja Dave. “Where are we going?”

“There’s an N.A.R.F. base under downtown’s LA County Health Services building,” Dave explained.

Dan gasped. “Downtown?! That means we’ll have to pay for parking! Does their evil know no bounds?!”

Dave sighed. “Just… just let’s go and everyone try not to die.”

Pinkie smiled. “That’s the plan!” she said before taking a bite out of her cookie.

“Oh my…” Wally replied.

“… What?!” Amber cried.

Gibson’s eyes widened. “Wait, die?!”

Sarge saluted with his left hand. “You can count on me, sir.”

“Alright, brah!” Crunchy said with a smile.

“Wheeee! Adventure time!” D.H. cried.

Chris just shook his head. “Same stuff, different day…”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 119 Dan Vs. Butt Touching

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 119 Dan Vs. Butt Touching

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.Chapter 119 Dan Vs. Butt Touching-ooooooo-

“You know we didn’t need to all take the same elevator!” Ninja Dave said as his face was pressed against the side of the elevator wall. He clutched a large Tupperware container full of cookies to his chest.

Dan shot a scowl across the crowded elevator, his face pressed up against one of the chrome doors. “Look, when entering unfamiliar territory, you don’t split the party up! That’s how the weak get picked off! And I’d at least like to make it to the first challenge before our sacrificial lamb bites it.”

“Heeeey!” Chris protested as he, too was pressed against one of the walls.

“I was talking about the teenager…” Dan qualified.

“Heeeey!” Gibson protested.

“Oh… alright then,” Chris said.

From the center of the elevator, Gibson frowned. “Where’s the love?!”

“Quiet you!” Dan snapped. “Love is for winners! Anyhow… Who’s touching my butt?!” Dan demanded.

Pinkie giggled. “Guilty!” She navigated a cookie up to her mouth with her free hand and took a bite. “Omn…Whfat I fwant to knwow fis”—Pinkie swallowed the bit of cookie in her mouth—“who’s touching my butt?”

“Oops, sorry,” Gibson said. “Here, let me just…”

Dan turned his head to glare at Gibson. “And you wonder why I hate you the most.”

Gibson shifted. “Alright, there…”

Elise shot Gibson an icy scowl. “Do you want to keep that hand?!”

“Ah! Sorry!” Gibson cried. “Let me just…”

Becky jumped slightly. “Duuude!” she wailed. “Not cool!”

Ninja Dave looked across the elevator to Dan. “Are you sure you need him to make it to the first test?”

“You know, I’m having second thoughts,” Dan replied.

“I’ll move my hand! I’ll move my hand!” Gibson said as he shifted again.

Amber narrowed her eyes. “Gibson, did you purposely position yourself so you’d be able to touch as many girls’ butts as possible? Also, please move your hand.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that!” Gibson replied as he shifted slightly. “On that note, I apologize to whoever’s butt I’m touching now.”

Amber’s eyes narrowed further. “Still mine…”

“Oops!” Gibson said. He shifted again. “Alright, now I apologize to whoever’s butt I’m touching.”

“Eerrr… That would be mine,” Wally said.

Gibson frowned. “Wait, I missed a girl…”

“I’m touching my own butt!” D.H. announced happily.

“Me too,” Crunchy said. “It’s the only way to be safe.”

Scrunched against a corner of the elevator, one arm in a sling and the other wedged against Crunchy, Sarge frowned. “Alright, I feel left out now.”

Amber sighed, pressed herself against the wall next to Sarge, and shifted slightly. “Better?”

Sarge smiled. “Much better, thank you, sir!”

“Heeey!” Gibson protested. “How come no one is touching my butt?”

“I got you covered, brah,” Crunchy said as he shifted.

Gibson’s eye twitched. “Suddenly I regret everything.”

Chris chuckled. “At least I ended up with a good butt-touch-buddy.”

Elise smiled up at him.

“Chris,” Dan cried, “If I ever hear you say that word again, I will personally drive the bus that runs you over!”

Pinkie grinned as she looked at Dan. “I like the sound of ‘butt-touch-buddy’, butt-touch-buddy!”

Dan gritted his teeth. “EVERYONE BUT PINKIE STOP TOUCHING BUTTS!” he roared.

D.H. puffed out her lower lip slightly. “Well, where should we put our hands?”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Dan cried. “JUST…. GHAH!” he cried in frustration. He turned towards Dave again. “How long is this stupid elevator ride?! This would be faster if we had a couple of monkeys working a pulley!”

Ninja Dave shimmied up an arm and put a finger up to his lips. “Ssssshhhh… Not so loud! The N.A.R.F. is notorious about saving money wherever it can! They might just replace this old elevator with the monkeys!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “What?! They have money to monitor elevators, but not buy ones that were created around the turn of the last century?!”

Dave managed a small shrug in the tight confines of the cramped elevator. “They’re amazingly idiosyncratic like that.”

The elevator suddenly came to a stop.

“Oh, we’re here…” Ninja Dave said.

The doors to the elevator opened and the group spilled out of it into a pile on the floor.

Dan quickly stood up. “BEWARE!” he cried dramatically. “THE EMPLOYEES OF WALLY’S CUPCAKE AND MUFFIN EMPORIUM ARE HERE!”

Chris attempted to untangle himself from the mass of people. “It’s an empty hallway, Dan,” he informed.

“I know!” Dan cried. “I’m just practicing!”

Pinkie shot up next to Dan and took a bite of her cookie. “Omn…”

Dan glanced up at her. “You know you can stop touching my butt.”

Pinkie swallowed and nodded. “Oh, I know.”

“Alright,” Gibson cried from the center of the people pile, “now who’s touching my butt?”

“Sorry, sir!” Sarge replied.

Gibson sighed. “Dangit…”

“Sarge!” Dan called out. “Don’t call him, ‘sir’! He’s the Chris of the group and is therefore the lowest rank!”

Chris smiled. “Sweet! Promoted!”

Elise untangled herself from the group of people and helped Chris up. “The lowest rank was literally your name?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

Chris chuckled and rolled his eyes. “The joys of being in the Dan army.”

Dan and Pinkie stared down the long, dimly lit hallway as the people behind them began to clamber back to their feet.

“Oooooooo!” Pinkie said. “Old men pictures!”

“Hey, Ninja Dave,” Dan said, “what’s up with all the pictures of these shriveled up mummies?” He motioned out to the many pictures that lined the wall as Ninja Dave stepped up behind him.

Ninja Dave sighed. “Alright first, please don’t call them ‘shriveled up mummies’ to their faces. Second, they’re the eldest N.A.R.F. council members stationed here. They’ll be the ones who give you your test and will ultimately decide if you pass or fail.”

Dave pointed to a portrait of an elderly man with wild, white hair, a bushy beard, and bushy white eyebrows wearing purple robes. The old man’s right eye was open wide and his left seemed permanently half closed. Combined with a few missing teeth and a wild expression, the man looked somewhat crazed. “That’s Balthazar...”

Dave pointed at the next painting. Another man with white hair and beard, though shorter and with a black streak through the hair. This man had sharp, angular features and wore a brown suit over a yellow shirt with red tie. His fingers where half interlaced, half steepled as he smiled with a knowing grin. “That’s Caspar.”

Dave pointed to one more picture. A figure in black robes and a black cloak.  Only his nose and chin where visible, the rest of his face cast in a dark shadow from his hood. “And that’s Melchior.”

Dan folded his arms. “Those can’t be their real names!”

Dave threw out his arms in frustration. “They’re some of the leaders to a secret organization of restaurant workers who sometimes kill people! Why would they use their real names?!”

“Looky, looky!” Pinkie cried excitedly as she pointed to another picture. The three old men were lounging on an active beach, wearing swimming trunks and waving and smiling at the camera, though Melchior still wore a black cloak that concealed his face.

“Whoa…” Becky uttered as she walked up to the painting. “Balthazar is ripped!”

“I know, right?” Elise said. “You could wash laundry on those abs.”

Dan glowered at the picture then looked at Dave with an irritated expression on his face. “Why do they have a picture of these guys at the beach down their long, dark hallway?!”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… Here’s one where they’re at the zoo!”

“What the heck?!” Dan cried. “Why would they put in these pictures of these guys doing normal people stuff?!”

Dave rolled his eyes. “Well, the council decided that a hallway full of pictures of old men just glowering and smiling smugly was a little too menacing.”

“Uhg…” Dan uttered. “Well they totally ruined the atmosphere.”

Dave sighed. “Are you going to complain the entire time we’re here?! Look, if you become a co-leader of a shadowy organization of restaurants and foodservice industry workers, I’m sure you can run it however you want!”

Dan narrowed his eyes and frowned. “Well, maybe I will then!”

“I’d like to see that!” Dave cried.

“GOOD! Because maybe I’lljust do that!”

“GOOD!”

“GOOD!”

“GOOD!” Pinkie said cheerfully before she took a bite of her cookie. “Omn…”

Dan and Dave turned and stared at her.

Pinkie grinned sheepishly. “I just wanted to be included… Omn…”

Dan sighed. “Let’s just get up to these stupid old geezers and get these tests over before you run out of cookies.”

The group made its way down the hallway, eventually stopping at a large pair of wooden, red-painted double doors with ‘NARF’ printed above them in large, solid gold lettering.

Pinkie stared up at the lettering and tried her best to stifle her laughter.

“This is it,” Dave said as he motioned to the doors. “Behind this pair of doors will be the men who will decide if everyone who works at the bakery is worthy to join the ranks of N.A.R.F.”

Pinkie began laughing once more. “HeheheheHAHAHAHAHAHA…”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at her. “Pinkie! Your life might be at stake here!”

Pinkie immediately pursed her lips and ceased laughing. “Oh right… Omn…”

Dan turned to face the group behind him. “Alright soldiers of Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins and also Wally himself, we have a tough challenge ahead of us. Unfortunately, some of you may die…”

A few members of crowd looked distressed and uttered sounds to match their expressions.

“… On the plus side,” Dan continued, “Gibson will be the first to go,—”

“OH,COME ON!” Gibson cried.

“—so we all have that to look forward to. As we go out there, I want you all to remember that this is about something more important than yourselves.” Dan motioned to Pinkie. “It’s about Pinkie. So if you find yourself lying on the ground and bleeding out from an incredibly painful wound to the abdomen, please take solace in the fact that your grisly and painful demise likely means Pinkie won’t suffer the same fate.”

Wally’s forehead began to perspire and he produced a handkerchief and began to dab at it.

Amber just stood with an unamused expression on her face.

Becky raised an eyebrow as she looked up at Chris. “Not much of a speech maker, is he?”

Chris shrugged. “Guess it depends on how much everyone likes Pinkie…”

“Woo-hoo!” Elise cried. “Go save Pinkie, guys!”

Sarge nodded at Dan. “We won’t let you down, sir.”

D.H. grinned widely. “Hurray for saving friends!”

“I kinda spaced out there for a moment,” Crunchy said. “What’s happening?”

Dave rolled his eyes. “You know the building does have a medic on hand and you are allowed to call 911 if someone is seriously injured.”

Dan narrowed his as at Ninja Dave. “Quiet! You’re ruining my dramatic build up!”

He and Pinkie turned back to the double doors.

“Are you ready for this?” Dan asked as he glanced at Pinkie.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Pinkie answered. “Omn…”

Dan nodded. “Alright, well before we go in there I just need to ask you one thing.:

“Yes, Dan?”

“Would you please take your hand off my butt?”

Pinkie sighed. “Fine…”

With that, Dan placed his hands on the knobs of the doors and pushed them open.

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 120 Dan Vs. N.A.R.F. High Council Members

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 120 Dan Vs. N.A.R.F. High Council Members

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 120 Dan Vs. N.A.R.F. High Council Members

-ooooooo-

“BEWARE!” Dan cried as he threw open the double doors. “THE EMPLOYEES OF WALLY’S—”

“WELCOME TO THE SECRET HEADQUARTERS OF—”

Dan stopped and shot an irritated glance up at Balthazar as the two realized they were speaking over each other. Balthazar sat on a chair that was up a series of steps. He was flanked on either side by two more chairs occupied by the other two men depicted in the pictures that lined the hallway. Lights from high above shot down upon the three men and the group who had entered through the double doors. The rest of the area was cast in shadow, making it difficult, if not impossible, to determine the size of the room they were in.

Balthazar gave Dan a surprised look. “I’m sorry, were you trying to do a thing?”

“I was!” Dan cried. “I was totally trying to do a thing, and you wrecked it!” he said as he leveled an accusing index finger at Balthazar.

Balthazar brought a purple-robe-covered arm up and stroked his beard. “Sorry, no one has ever tried to do their own thing before.”

“Don’t be sorry!” Melchior croaked out, his face obscured by his cloak. “This is our domain! He should apologize for stepping on your line!”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Caspar chimed in a slightly upbeat tone. “I think it’s refreshing someone is showing a little more initiative.”

Melchior folded his arms and seemed to even sulk slightly. “You always say that whenever someone does something out of the usual!”

“Psshaw…” Caspar said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “So what? You’re always upset if someone does something out of the ordinary!” He frowned. “If it were up to you, you’d make everyone file in one at a time and fight to the death to join.”

“And what is wrong with a fight to the death?” Melchior demanded.

“Well, they’re a bit played out,” Caspar replied.

Balthazar chimed in. “Also bad for the enrollment numbers.”

Melchior raised his robe-covered arm and pointed a withered hand at Caspar. “If it were up to you membership would be based on what everyone’s favorite color was!”

Caspar narrowed his eyes slightly. “Oh, now you’re just trying to be hurtful for the sake of being hurtful! Not every day would be favorite color day!”

Balthazar scratched at his beard as he stared up at the high ceiling. “You know, I’m not sure I’d mind knowing what some of the potential member’s favorite colors were, anyhow…”

Melchior let out a low, gravelly grumble. “So you’re taking his side. There’s a surprise…”

Balthazar put his hands up defensively. “I’m not taking sides, but I do like keeping the tests interesting.”

Caspar motioned to Balthazar. “See! A little variety is all I ask!”

Chris scrunched his brow slightly as he walked up to Ninja Dave. “These are the local leaders of the N.A.R.F.?”

Dave raised an eyebrow. “Would you prefer they just got mad at Dan and tossed everyone out?”

“Uh, fair enough…” Chris replied.

Dan scowled up at the three quarreling men. “Are you three done?! My girlfriend is slowly running out of cookies!”

“Daaaan~” Pinkie begins in a maternal tone, “let the secret triumvirate of a shadowy organization of foodservice workers figure things out on their own. Omn…”

Balthazar held up a hand. “Now hold on a minute,” he peered at Pinkie with what appeared to be his good eye. “Are you hyperglycemic, girl?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Noper!”

Melchior slowly raised his hands and pointed at Pinkie. “I recognize this girl. She has been marked for death by the organization for forfeiting a duel.”

Dan angrily glared up at Melchior and opened his mouth to speak, but Ninja Dave quickly stepped forward. “Yes, that’s true… ”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried. “Traitor!”

Dave turned to Dan. “Shut up, alright?! This is why we’re here.”

“Ah, the last of the Koshugi clan…” Melchior said. “Don’t tell me you were foolish enough to bring all these people here just to beg for the life of this girl.”

Ninja Dave shook his head. “No sir, most are here to apply for membership, including Pinkie.”

“Most?” Melchior replied.

Dave frowned. “I uh… sort of brought my girlfriend along without thinking…”

Becky turned to Dave. “What?! You should have said something! I didn’t want to get you in trouble!”

Elise raised her hand. “Also, I’m just married to one of the workers.”

Dave cringed. “Not helping…” he uttered to Elise.

“Hey! I just thought if you had to fess up about Becky, it was best we be honest!”

Balthazar nodded. “I do appreciate honest…” –he grinned as he slowly produced a steaming cup – “… tea?” he said with a smile before he began to giggle and snort.

Dan groaned as Pinkie began laughing. A few others in the group also chuckled and other simply stared up in confusion.

Melchior let out a heavy sigh as Caspar laughed and extended a fist to Balthazar who gave it a slight bump.

Melchior turned towards Ninja Dave. “So, you deemed it acceptable to violate the sacred secrecy of the foundation,” he partially croaked, partially hissed out.

Dave’s face went slightly pale as he swallowed.

Pinkie rose her hands. “Erm… In Ninja Dave’s defense, Helen was the one who told me about some sort of restaurant code in the first place. Omn…”

Melchior said nothing and leaned back in his chair.

Balthazar shrugged. “Well, it isn’t a very sacred secrecy.”

Caspar smiled and spoke up, “I still think we should just distribute fliers and have a big carnival to attract new members.”

Melchior groaned. “Right, because that’s how we should run our secret organization, by announcing it to everyone.”

Caspar grinned. “Haven’t you heard of hiding in plain sight?”

“Seriously!” Dan cried out. “Are you three going to argue all day!?”

“DAN!” Ninja Dave cried.

“What!?” Dan said in a protesting tone. “If Pinkie runs out of cookies while we’re here suddenly we have to fight our way out…”

“Aaaahhh…” Melchior uttered. “So you sought to prolong the young girl’s final meal long enough that she might complete the tests.”

Dave winced as he turned to Melchior. “Uh… Well, I mean… the ruling there did seem somewhat vague so…”

Caspar turned to Melchior and rolled his eyes. “… And of course you’re displeased with this and wish to see the girl and our ninja associate here killed for their insolence.”

Pinkie and Ninja Dave nervously stared up at Melchior. Dan and Elise tensed.

Melchior chuckled. “On the contrary, I enjoy seeing such cleverness from our ranks…”

Dave and Pinkie both breathed sighs of relief.

Caspar’s expression went neutral as he blinked a few times. “Oh, well color me surprised.” He tapped at his chin with an index finger as he stared upwards. “Hmmm… I wonder if surprise is a real color…”

Pinkie gasped. “I like to imagine colors, too!”

Caspar smiled. “Really? How intriguing, it would be a shame if we had to kill you.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip and whimpered slightly.

Balthazar pointed an index finger at Dave. “Well then, if that’s settled I just have one question for you.”

“Uh, yes sir?” Dave said.

“Did you bring enough cookies for us?” Balthazar asked with a smile.

“Uh… of course, sir!” Dave replied.

Dan frowned. “Hey! Those are Pinkie’s cookies! She needs them to live!”

“Dan!” Pinkie cried. “I like sharing!”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “Even if sharing increases the chances you’ll be killed?”

Pinkie turned to Elise. “Hey, I don’t know what your experiences about not sharing are, but I know poni—erm… peoplewho were almost killed because they wouldn’t share! Some with pies!”

Chris’s eyes widened. “Wow, what a way to go.”

Elise looked at Dan. “She’s serious, isn’t she?”

Dan sighed. “Do you even have to ask?”

Caspar spoke up. “Death by pie is no laughing matter, miss. I mean… once you get past the hilarity of people having pies thrown at them… hehehe … or stepping in pies and slipping…. hehehe… Especially if they fall into more pies… Hahahaha… but… hehehe… but aside from that… totally… hehehehe… totally series business, pie death.”

Balthazar raised an eyebrow at Caspar. “Finished?”

Caspar nodded. “Quite.”

Balthazar turned and motioned for Dave to approach. “Step forward.”

Dave walked forward carrying the large Tupperware container full of cookies.

Dan turned to Pinkie and motioned to the men in chairs. “Is it just me, or is this whole experience even more surreal than one might expect a journey to a secret underground base of a shadowy restaurant organization might be?”

Pinkie smiled. “I like it! The council leaders seem pretty cool!”

Crunchy grinned and chimed in, “They do seem like a bunch of rockin’ dudes.”

D.H. smiled happily. “I know, right?!”

Dan sighed. “Really, it’s my fault for talking to them…” he mumbled to himself. He turned and looked into the group. “Alright, to the sensible people of the group: What the heck is going on here?!” he asked.

Gibson raised his hand. “Uh, does that include me?”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Absolutely not.”

Gibson sighed. “Thought so.”

Dan turned to Wally. “Wally?”

Wally frowned. “Honestly, I’m not quite used to this weirdness. I think I’m the most befuddled one here.”

Dan sighed. “Sarge?”

Sarge nodded. “Sir, it would seem the council members of N.A.R.F. are indeed a bit more easygoing than we thought.”

Amber nodded in agreement. “They do seem to be good at defying expectations for leaders of a group that allow murders.”

Elise shrugged. “Eh, shadowy organizations aren’t so strictly cloak and dagger as you might think.”

Dan motioned to the three men at the top of the steps. “Dave is currently smoothing them over with cookies!”

“Hey,” Elise said in a protesting tone, “some nice, unexpected snack food can go along way in any work environment.”

Chris frowned. “Do you think if I ask nicely, Dave will give me a cookie?”

“NO!” Dan and Elise cried out.

Balthazar suddenly spoke up as Ninja Dave descended the steps back to the group below. “WE HAVE COME TO AN AGREEMENT!” he announced as he held a cookie in one hand.

The group turned and refocused their attention on the old men above them.

Balthazar continued, “YOU MAY EXIT THE ROOM AND RETRY ANNOUNCING YOURSELVES AGAIN!”

Chris frowned. “Wait, that’s it?”

“Quiet monkey-face!” Dan cried. “This is exactly what I want!”

Chris’s eyes widened in surprise. “You stood here getting mad at them just so you could redeliver your announcement?!”

Dan furrowed his brow at Chris. “Hey! I thought really hard about what I wanted to say and how I’d deliver it! I even practiced it in the car ride over!”

“He did! He did!” Pinkie said. “Omn…”

Becky sighed. “I can totally vouch for that.”

Caspar grinned and waved the group back towards the door. “Alright, if you’re ready, please go back and try again.”

Dan looked up at the three men. “And you won’t step on my line?” he asked.

Caspar held up his palms. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Dan nodded in satisfaction and turned. “Alright minions, we’re leaving and trying again!”

The group filed out the double doors and Dan closed them behind him. After a brief pause Dan threw open the doors again. “BEWARE! THE EMPLOYEES OF WALLY’S CUPCAKE AND MUFFIN EMPORIUM ARE HERE!” Dan cried as he walked in, everyone else walking through the doors behind him.

Balthazar stood up and threw his arms up in the shape of a ‘V’. “WELCOME TO THE SECRET HEADQUARTERS OF THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF RESTAURANTS FOUNDATION!”

Jets of fire shot up from in front of Balthazar and a gold sign the read ‘NARF’ was lit up above the trio of men.

Pinkie began to cough as she attempted to break into a fit of laughter and eat her cookie at the same time. “Cough… cougheh… hehehehaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Dan frowned. “Hey!” he cried in a protesting tone.

“Oh, what is it now?!” Balthazar replied.

“You guys got pyrotechnics! No fair!”

Caspar shrugged. “Sorry, but it is our headquarters! We can’t help if we’re better prepared.”

Dan scrunched his brow and lips up into a tight frown. He turned back and looked at Wally. “Did you bring any explosives with you?”

Wally shot Dan a blank stare. “Well sure.But… I mean… The kids above me have been playing their music a bit loud lately, so I was kind of saving it for the apartment that’s above mine…”

“Well too bad!” Dan cried. “I will not be upstaged!”

“Omn…” Pinkie finished off the cookie she was holding and turned to Ninja Dave. “I need another cookie.”

“On it,” Dave said as retrieved another cookie from his Tupperware container.

“Dan!” Elise said in a chastising tone. “Pinkie’s going to run out of cookies at this rate! Can’t you just be happy you got to make something of an entrance?”

Dan huffed out a “Fine!”

Balthazar stared down at Dan. “So, we good?”

“Yeah, yeah…” Dan sighed out.

“I mean… we’ll wait…” Balthazar said. “We literally have nothing better to do.”

Caspar spoke up. “We really don’t…”

“It’s fine, alright!” Dan said. “Let’s just get these stupid tests over with so my girlfriend can stop being targeted for death if we want to eat out.”

“Very well!” Balthazar cried. “As the leader of the group—”

Wally suddenly stepped forward. “Actually, that would be me.”

“Heeeey!” Dan whined out. “I was on a roll.”

“Sorry Dan,” Wally said, “but I am the owner of the shop.”

The three men knitted their eyes slightly and leaned forward as the stared at Wally.

“Hmmmm… Well this won’t do at all,” Caspar said.

Wally’s forehead began to perspire. He reached for a handkerchief and dabbed at the sweat. “Beg your pardon?”

“Sorry,” Balthazar said, “but I believe we had a good rapport with the one named Dan.”

“Yes, we will talk to the short one,” Melchior said. “The anger flows through him! It gives him strength, power! Power he will use to topple his enemiesand destroy all in his path, leaving nothing but ruins and smoking husks in his wake!”

Balthazar and Caspar rolled their eyes.

“See!” Dan said as he motioned to Melchior. “The scary looking guy in the dark robe knows what’s up!”

Wally sighed and took a few steps back.

Balthazar continued, “Dan, as the leader of the group, your employees will live and die by your decisions.”

Wally sighed heavily.

“Neat!” Dan exclaimed.

“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Dan is going to take care of everyone! …Omn.”

“Hurray!” D.H. cried.

“Radical!” Crunchy added.

A deep frown crossed Gibson’s face. He turned to Amber. “If I don’t make it, tell my mom to avenge me...” He paused for a second and added, “…and my brother to delete my internet browsing history.”

Amber cocked an eyebrow. “Dan’s in charge. What makes you think anyone is going to make it out alive?!”

Sarge spoke up, “I’m confident Dan can lead us all to victory.”

“You know, he’s probably right,” Chris said. “Dan’s pretty good at getting what he wants if he puts his mind to it. Also I’ve stuck with him for years and I’m still alive… physically.”

Dan turned back to Wally. “Hey, if you die, do I get the bakery?”

“Absolutely not,” Wally replied.

Dan folded his arms over his chest and grumbled irritably to himself.

Dan’s fellow employee’s expressions suddenly turned very concerned.

Becky leaned over to Elise. “Are you as relieved as I am that you’re not taking part in this?”

“Only the entire time since I’ve been here,” Elise answered.

Ninja Dave chimed in, “And I am very happy I probably won’t be killed.”

Becky smiled and threw an around Dave’s shoulders. “Me too.”

“Very well!” Balthazar cried. “If everything is settled…” Balthazar threw out his arms again.

Light spilled out in all directions revealing that the area the group occupied was quite large. Below the three members of the high council, the group of bakery employees and friends stood on a raised platform. Lower still, were a number of different separated areas full of challenges. Challenges that included cooking equipment, a room full of desks, cages that contained larger and dangerous-looking animals, and even a lengthy obstacle course full of sharp objects, fiery pits, and even walls that appeared to close in and potentially crush someone who didn’t time their trip right.

Balthazar grinned wide his toothy smile revealing that a few teeth were missing. “…let the tests begin.”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 121 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F. Test

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 121 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F. Test

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 121 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F. Test

-ooooooo-

The group of bakery employees, wife of one employee, an ex-ninja baker, and nerdy girl stared out across the vast open area at the various compartmentalized ‘rooms’ sitting under their raised platform. They paid special attention to the dangers many of those areas seemed to possess.

Amber sighed heavily. “I can’t believe I gave up anger management and couple’s counseling so I could get horribly mangled in some underground obstacle course of death.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh whine, whine, whine. Do you ever get tired of reminding us about your old job?”

Chris spoke up, “You do mention it a lot.”

“Seriously,” Pinkie chimed in. “You’re can be a real Debbie-Downer at times!”

Elise glanced at Pinkie. “Wait, she seriously goes on like this at work?”

“Only all the frickin’ time!” Pinkie exclaimed as she threw her hands out in front of her. “Omn…”

Amber scowled up into open air. “Oh right, I quit because of you four. Yet somehow I find myself in another dangerous situation thanks to my association with you.”

Dan glanced at Gibson. “Hey teen-guy-boy, looks like someone’s whining their way into sacrificial lamb position. You might just be the second to die.”

“Uh… yay?” Gibson replied.

“Look,” Amber said, “working as a social psychologist wasn’t exactly fulfilling, but it’s not like my life was in constant danger.”

Caspar leered down at Amber with a toothy grin. “Don’t worry, if you get injured, I’m sure we can call a wambulance for you.”

Amber put on a sullen expression as the group around her bursts into fits of laughter. Caspar exchanged a quick high five with Balthazar, and even Melchior extended a palm forward which Caspar lightly hit.

“Well then,” Balthazar said, “if everyone is done complaining…” He stared at Amber with his good eye. “You are done complaining, right?”

Amber scrunched her brow and frowned. “Yes, I’m done.”

“Are you sure?” Balthazar continued. “We can have a short break before we begin.”

“I’m fine! Alright?!”

Balthazar grinned. “Maybe you’d like something to eat first? Perhaps some cheese?”

Amber raised an eyebrow. “Cheese?”

Balthazar grinned wide. “To go with your ‘whine’.”

The group burst into another fit of laughter as Amber folded her arms across her chest and glanced to her side grumpily.

“Hahahaha, she fell for it!” Caspar cried. “No one ever falls for that one!”

Balthazar turned and grinned. “I know, right? This is probably the most entertaining group we’ve had and we haven’t even really started yet.”

“Can we move on, please?” Amber cried.

Melchior spoke up. “It seems to me it’s not us who needs to move on.”

Amber scowled up as everyone bursts into another round of laughter.

Caspar stopped laughing long enough to add, “Even Melchior is getting on this, I better tell 911 to send a fire truck too and tell them to prepare their equipment for horrible burn injuries.”

Amber’s eye twitched. “Does anyone else want to take a shot at me?” she uttered grumpily. “I seem to have a target drawn on my back today.”

Gibson grinned. “Would you like to borrow my phone and headphones? I can get Fallout Boy loaded up for you…”

Amber smacked a palm against her face. “Wow, getting picked on by a desperate teenager. I’ve hit a brand new low…”

Gibson continued, “Oh, I have Treble Charger too. I even have Linkin Park.”

“… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… ”

Amber huffed out an angry, exasperated sigh. “I think I’ll go sit in the hallway and think about how much I hate you all.”

“Linkin Park it is!” Gibson said with a smile.

“ALRIGHT ALREADY!” Amber cried angrily. “I GET IT! NOW EVERYONE SHUT UP SO WE CAN GET STARTED WITH THE TESTS THAT I’M SURE WILL PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!”

Gibson scrunched his lips slightly. “I better add My Chemical Romance to the playlist…”

Amber let out a low growl and turned to Dan. “Grrrrr…. Dan, can I please hit him?!”

Dan shook his head. “Sorry, he’s currently a lot funnier than you. You better step things up if you want your minor beating privileges returned.”

Amber sighed heavily.

Elise looked at the different obstacles and raised her hand. “Can non-bakery employees participate?” she asked the trio of men.

Becky and Ninja Dave’s eyes widened as they both uttered sounds of distress.

“Absolutely not,” Melchior replied.

Becky and Ninja Dave breathed a collective sigh of relief.

“Ah, dis,” Elise uttered.

Chris turned to his wife and raised an eyebrow. “You’re disappointed?”

Elise shrugged. “I enjoy a good potentially deadly obstacle course every now and again.”

“Any other questions?” Balthazar asked.

Dan glanced back at the group. “Does anyone else need to gripe about what’s gone wrong with their life? Crunchy?”

“It’s all good, brah.”

“D.H.?”

“My life is awesome! Thanks for asking!”

“Sarge?”

“Doin’ fine, sir!”

“Chris?”

“You know, even with the somewhat high chance of death here, this is probably still something of a high point of my life.”

Dan nodded. “Kid-whose-name-I-can’t-be-bothered to commit to memory?”

“I’m good,” Gibson replied.

“Really?” Dan asked raising an eyebrow. “You don’t want to talk about your girl troubles even though you know the longer we draw this out, the better chance Pinkie has of running out of cookies before we finish?”

Pinkie raised a cookie to her mouth and took a bite. “Omn…”

“Dan,” Elise began in a chastising tone, “the only one drawing this out is you!”

“Hey, guess what obnoxious-girl-who's-not-employed-by-the-bakery?! No one asked you!”

Elise narrowed her eyes at Dan. “You’re just lucky you’re running this whole thing.”

“Oh, yap, yap, yap. Fine, since I’m apparently playing Mr. Sympathetic Ear to the whole world, Ninja Dave?”

“I’m probably not going to die, so I’m good, dude.”

“Becky?”

“Ninja Dave is probably not going to die, so I’m also good.”

“Wally?”

“Well, since you asked. I’m really kind of uncomfortable with this entire situation.”

Dan sighed and folded his arms over his chest. “What is it?”

“Well, it is my bakery and you’re sort of calling the shots here.”

“What do you want from me?!” Dan cried. He motioned up at the trio of me sitting atop their chairs. “The shadowy trio of bizarre old men already said they rather talk to me!”

Caspar nodded. “Sorry, but it’s true! Nothing personal, it’s just that Dan here seems to have much more presence.”

Wally looked up at Caspar and frowned. “But—”

Caspar held up a hand. “Just a second, I have something for just such an occasion…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a violin that appeared to be no more than an inch long as well as a tiny violin bow. He grasped the tiny instrument in a thumb and forefinger and pinched the bow in his other thumb and forefinger. “Alright, I’m ready.”

Wally sighed. “Never mind.”

“Wally,” Pinkie said in a maternal tone, “the nice man just pulled out the world’s smallest violin that I’m sure he keeps on hand for just such an occasion. The least you can do is humor him.”

Caspar smiled at Pinkie. “Thank you, dear. I’m glad someone here appreciates the arts.”

Pinkie smiled back as she took another bite of her cookie. “Omn…”

Wally frowned heavily but spoke his grievances anyhow, “Well, I opened this bakery because it was something of a dream of mine…”

Balthazar, Melchior, and indeed everyone around Wally stifled laughter as Caspar played a sad, yet rather high-pitched tune on his instrument. “Mmmm-hmmmm?” he hummed out.

Wally crinkled his brow as he stared up at Caspar, but continued, “… And at first things were slow, very slow. I thought I’d have to close shop almost as soon as I began. However, Dan and Pinkie managed to fix that.”

Many of Wally’s employees began laughing as Caspar continued to play his sorrowful song at high octaves.

“Go on…” Caspar urged.

“… Well, it’s just seems like even though my name is on the building, Dan and Pinkie run the place however they see fit. The whole situation makes me feel like I’m just another person at the bakery making sure it stays afloat. I mean, even here Dan has essentially taken over.”

Pinkie walked up and placed a sympathetic hand on Wally’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Wally, I had no idea you felt this way…”

Dan merely huffed out an irritated sound and said nothing.

Caspar stopped playing. “Yes, I do believe I see the problem.”

Wally looked up with a hopeful expression. “You do?”

Caspar nodded. “We need to invent a smaller violin!” he said with a smile.

Everyone burst into laughter once more. Even Pinkie who had tried to show sympathy to Wally quickly found containing her laughter difficult and she broke into a fit of giggles.

Wally sadly trudged next to Amber. “Mind if I stand here and be sad with you?”

Amber shrugged. “Fine, go ahead…”

Pinkie gleefully bounded up to the pair. “Pity party!” she cried as she quickly produced colorful party hats out of seemingly nothing and placed them on Wally and Amber’s heads.

The sullen expressions on Amber and Wally’s faces only increased as Pinkie brought a noise maker up to her lips and blew it. She followed this up by tossing confetti into the air and declaring, “Yay! We’re all sad!”

Dan glanced at Pinkie. “Pinkie? Anything bugging you?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Yepper!”

Dan’s expression turned serious. “And that would be?”

“It’d be really nice if I didn’t die!” Pinkie declared.

“Oh, then we better get started then,” Dan replied. He looked up at the three men.

Balthazar nodded. “Very well! Without further ado, we shall start with a line of questions!” He turned to Caspar. “Caspar, I believe a random choice is in order.”

Caspar grinned wide. A wicked, toothy smile accompanied by wild looking eyes. “Ah, yes… random. When we roll the dice and see what fate has in store for us. A wonderful way to abandon all semblance of order and let chaos rule supreme.”

“I’m the queen of random!” Pinkie declared.

Caspar nodded. “Very well, then I randomly choose you!”

Dan furrowed his brow. “What?”

Caspar motioned to Balthazar. “Balthazar? The questions if you please.”

Balthazar nodded as he smiled at Pinkie. “Alright girl, what is your name?”

“Pinkamena Diane Pie!” Pinkie answered cheerfully. “But you can just call me ‘Pinkie Pie’!”

“What is your quest?”

“I want to join NAR—ER, the N.A.R.F. so people will stop trying to kill me if I go to a restaurant!”

“What is your favorite color!?”

Melchior sighed as Caspar made a small fist pump.

“D’uuuuh!” Pinkie said. “Pink, of course!”

Balthazar nodded in satisfaction. “Good! You have passed the first round.”

“Yay!” Pinkie cried. “Omn…”

Dan folded his arm and looked up a sullen expression. “Seriously, the first round of questions is a skit?”

Balthazar grinned. “Would you prefer I asked what the airspeed velocity of—”

“24 miles per hour and Ashur, Calah, Dur Sharrukin, and Nineveh depending on when you’re talking about,” Dan answered impatiently as he tapped his foot on the ground.

Balthazar and Caspar exchanged a quick glance before they turned back towards Dan.

Balthazar raised an eyebrow. “How did you know—”

“I have been preparing for this moment since I was six years old,” Dan said.

“Uh… I see…” Balthazar replied. He smiled. “Very well. Congratulations! Your group has passed the first test.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Dan said. “When are we going to move onto something dangerous?”

“Patience, angry one,” Balthazar said. “Well get to the dangerous tests soon enough.”

“Good,” Dan replied, “because I have some dead weight I’m hoping to get rid of.”

Gibson spoke up, “Amber’s still the ‘sacrificial lamb’, right?”

“Well, she has managed to be the most irritating as of late, so yeah.”

Amber scowled at Dan.

Gibson nodded. “Alright, good.”

“Hey!” Amber cried as she turned to Gibson.

“Sorry,” Gibson replied, “but I’m young! I’ve got so much to do still!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “I can’t imagine what.”

“Dan,” Pinkie said as she looped an arm around Dan’s, “do you think maybe we can try to get through these tests without anyone dying?”

Dan frowned. “But Amber is being all whiny! And that teenage kid is annoying!”

Pinkie nodded. “I know, but that doesn’t mean you should try sending them to their deaths if you can avoid it!” Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “I’d be super-dee-duper sad if anyone died because of me!”

“Oh, alright…” Dan said begrudgingly. “But you owe me big if we get through this without anyone dying!”

“Dan, if we make it through this without anyone dying, I’ll let you do that thing to me you’ve always wanted to doooo~” Pinkie cooed.

Dan eyes lit up. “You mean—?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down as she gave Dan an alluring smile.

Elise shook her head. “I don’t even want to know.”

“Second,” Becky chimed in.

Caspar raised his hand. “I do!”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… It’s—”

“Whoa!” Amber chimed in. “Should I cover Gibson’s ears for this?”

“Hey!” Gibson said in a protesting tone.

Pinkie blinked. “Does Gibson have some sort of fear of polished nails?”

Chris crinkled his brow. “Wait, if we all live, Dan gets to paint your nails?!”

Dan smiled. “And I know the color I’m going to paint them and everything!”

Becky turned to Pinkie. “That seems uh… kind of pedestrian for you two…”

“Kind of!” Amber cried. “That sounds like normal people behavior. I’m actually more worried it isn’t something completely bizarre!”

Pinkie shrugged and raised a pink-nail-polished hand. “I guess I’m just a bit attached to this shade.”

“Moving on,” Balthazar said. “You won’t be able to complete the tests without something to serve.” He motioned to one of the closest areas by the platforms. “Below is a kitchen full of baking supplies.”

“Ooooo~!” Pinkie exclaimed as she looked over a series of stainless steel ovens, work surfaces, fridges, a number of cupboards, and a collection of sinks. “Fancy and shmancy! Omn…”

Balthazar continued, “You may use the ingredients we have provided to bake your goods. Do your best. The food you make now will be what you use on many of the following tests, and mistakes made here could follow you until the very end of the examination.”

Pinkie bounded down to the kitchen area quickly followed by everyone else in the group. She quickly made her way to a cupboard and threw it open. Her happy expression turned to dread as her eyes wandered over the ingredients. Words like ‘imitation’ and ‘flavored’ jumped out at her from the labels on the items. She felt as if the words were swirling around her, taunting her with their qualities that were mere pale comparisons of the real items they were modeled after and haunting her with the tasks she might be forced to do with them.

She brought her hands up to the sides of her head and tensed her fingers up into claws, digging into her skin slightly with her nails. “Dan!” she wailed in distress. “I can’t work with this!”

“Work with— Oh…” Dan said as he caught up to Pinkie and stared into the cupboard.

Pinkie began to sniffle as tears welled up in her eyes.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Dan said as he placed a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “You’re the best baker I know! I’m sure you can make something great with all this.”

Pinkie quickly wrapped her arms around Dan’s torso and held him tight. “But Dan, I don’t like all these imitation ingredients! They don’t taste right! I can’t make good baked goods out of this stuff! It’s horrible and bad, and I hate it, and I wish it would all just vanish in a puff of smoke,” she cried shrilly.

“Good! Use your aggressive feelings, girl! Let the hate flow through you!” Melchior cried dramatically from his seat high above the kitchen area.

Pinkie broke her embrace with Dan and stared at Melchior briefly. “Erm… what exactly are you suggesting here?”

“Do not hesitate! Show no mercy!”

Dan shot the cloaked figure a confused look. “Wait… Are you encouraging Pinkie to channel her anger into being productive at baking or just be angry in general…?”

‘Phwooooosh!’

“Oh no!” Pinkie cried in a not-so-convincing tone. “The cupboard full of horrible ingredients that are bad and that no one should eat caught fire somehow!” she said as she held Dan’s hipflask in one hand, and his golden zippo lighter in the other.

Dan checked his pockets quickly then motioned to Pinkie. “Because that just happened.”

Melchior cackled. “Gooood, gooood…”

Balthazar furrowed his brow at the flaming cupboard. “Well, that’s certainly a new approach. I’m not sure I can approve of this… Even if Melchior sort of accidentally encouraged it. Caspar…?” he said as he turned to the man in the brown suit.

Caspar smiled and motioned to Pinkie. “I like her. She has good initiative and she’s unpredictable. I say we let her decide what she’ll bake with.”

Balthazar gave out an exasperated sigh as he turned towards Pinkie. “Alright girl, have it your way. What ingredients would you like to work with?”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Pinkie said. She smiled wide as she pulled a piece of paper out of her hair. She quickly bounded up to Balthazar and handed him the list.

“My, my…” Balthazar said as he looked over the list. “This is quite an extensive ingredients list for baking…” He smiled. “Sounds interesting.” He lowered the list and looked back at Pinkie. “Alright, we’ll simply move on to a test that doesn’t involve food while a member of our rank collects these.” Balthazar looked up at Ninja Dave. “Ninja, step forward!”

“Uh, yes sir?” Ninja Dave said as he walked up the steps.

Balthazar handed Dave the list, reached into his robe, and pulled out a wallet. He quickly retrieved a number of bills and also handed them to Dave. “Make yourself useful and pick these up. You can even bring your girlfriend along.”

“Yes, sir!” Ninja Dave said.

“Oh, and bring back a receipt,” Balthazar said. “I’ll be expecting change.”

“Uh…” Ninja Dave nodded. “Of course sir.”

“As a matter of fact…” Balthazar paused long enough to produce another list and a few more bills. “Get these as well.”

Ninja Dave looked over the new list. “Are you sending me to get your grocery shopping?”

Balthazar smiled and nodded. “Absolutely.” He leveled an index finger at Dave. “You can consider it punishment for allowing outsiders into our secret headquarters.”

Dave swallowed. “Uh, yes sir. That sounds very fair.”

Balthazar nodded. “I thought you’d say that.” He motioned to the double doors. “Now, go.”

Ninja Dave bowed before quickly disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Becky frowned. “Uh, dude? Are you forgetting— Aah!” Becky cried out in alarm as Ninja Dave silently appeared behind her and grabbed her arm, pulling her back towards the raised platform. The two quickly made their way back up and then out the double doors.

The three men refocused their attention to Dan.

“Well, while we’re waiting, let’s move on, shall we?”

Dan nodded. “So what are we going to test without food? Do we need to run through your gauntlet of traps? Establish our physical dominance over dangerous and wild animals, perhaps?”

The others in the group put on worried expressions.

Balthazar chuckled. “In time… However, your next test might be the most grueling, the most mentally challenging. Even the strongest and bravest have been reduced to a heap of tears as they attempted to complete it. Their bravado and determination having been shown wanting in the face of a challenge that strikes fear into the hearts of even the most valiant.”

“Alright already! Just tell us what it is!” Dan cried out. “We’re not afraid.”

Chris raised his hand. “I’m afraid.”

Dan shot him a glare. “Quiet Monkey-face, no one asked you!”

Balthazar grinned wickedly. “You must face…”

His next words sent a shiver through the group and even the most stalwart and dedicated felt their resolve waver as the realization of what they would be forced to do set in.

“…the MATH TEST!”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 122 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Math Test

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 122 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Math Test

-ooooooo-

If you tried to imagine what Hell sounded like, you might imagine the wailing of people being tortured, the cracks of whips against flesh, or even the cackling of dark and twisted creatures as they revel in the pain they were inflicting. Still, others might suggest that Hell is quiet, uncomfortably so. They might add that it’s the waiting for some noise to occur, a noise that’s sure to bring pain and suffering, which truly makes Hell a terrible place. They might contend that it’s silence in the waiting that’s truly painful. The not knowing when things are going to come to a head.

Still, some others might agree that Hell is indeed silent, but for completely other reasons. It’s not about waiting for a noise, but quietly stewing in your own frayed thinking as you strain on the problem in front of you. The very real problem in front of you that involves numbers that may not technically exist.

Far underground in L.A.’s National Association of Restaurant Foundation headquarters, many people would tell you just this as those said people stared at just such a problem.

Still, some might say that it’s not the silence, but someone breaking that silence as they work on a similar problem. And few people were as good at breaking silence as the two people who were working through a sheet of paper full of questions that put them in their own personal Hell.

 “Pssst…” Dan said quietly from his desk. “Pinkie, what did you get for number 4?”

Pinkie stared down at her test with a slightly dead look in her eyes. Despite having only worked on the test for a short time, she had heavy bags under her eyes as if she missed out on a day or two of sleep.

“I drew a butterfly fluttering around my question,” Pinkie uttered in quiet, almost defeated-sounding monotone. “Butterflies are pretty… They just flutter around and have no worries… Omn...”

“Sssshhhh!”  Amber shushed angrily from the desk in front of Dan. “Do you mind?! I’m trying to remember all my college math!”

“Shush you!” Dan snapped back. “Not all of us are lucky enough to have PhDs!”

“Just because I have a PhD in social physiology doesn’t mean I’m some sort of math whiz!” Amber snapped back.

“Would you mind keeping it down?” Wally asked from the seat to Amber’s left. “I’m really having trouble concentrating!”

Amber silently turned back to her paper, fuming as she stared at the questions in front of her.

Dan growled and frustration and turned to his other side. “Chris… what did you get—”

“I have done nothing but sob quietly to myself and write ‘Why? Why!’ since we started,” Chris answered.

Dan sighed heavily and raised his hand. “Can I trade seats with someone?!” he asked.

“No!” Melchior answered sternly. He leveled a weathered index finger at Dan. “You should have thought about your seat before we started if you wanted to cheat!”

Dan grumbled irritably to himself and folded his arms over his chest. “Why are we even doing this?!” he demanded.

Balthazar sat in his chair. His elbows rested on the armrests and his hands were steepled in front of his face. He tapped his fingertips against each other. “Surely you can appreciate that math is an important aspect of running any successful business!”

“Basic math, sure!” Dan replied. “Heck, I’ll even grant you things can get a little more difficult if we’re buying ingredients to meet demand, but some of these questions are ridiculous!”

“Nonsense!” Balthazar replied. “These are all very important and relevant questions one might find they need to solve if they’re working with food.”

Dan picked up the paper in front of him and scowled at it. “‘If Soldier does nothing but teleport bread for three days and a teleporter takes 10 seconds to recharge, how many loaves of bread did he teleport?’ is an ‘important and relevant’ question?!” Dan asked in a demanding tone as he slapped his test back on his desk. “Who even wrote these!?”

Caspar chuckled to himself.

Balthazar glanced at Caspar briefly then turned back to Dan. “Well, what if you need someone to teleport bread for three days? How will you know how many loaves you’ve teleported after it’s done?”

Dan flung his hands out in front of him. “We don’t have a teleporter! They don’t exist!”

Leaning on a desk next to Chris’s, Elise chuckled. “Of course, Dan…” she said quietly. “That’s what we want you all to think!” she added with a grin.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Uh… beautiful?”

Elise frowned. “Crud, I said the loud thing quietly and the quiet thing loudly again, didn’t I?”

Chris nodded. “You sure did, honey.”

“Right… forget you heard anything… You too, Dan.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan said in an irritated tone, “was the non-bakery-employee speaking and distracting all the people with the math test?! Because if she was, she should maybe shut the heck up and let the rest of us concentrate!”

“Good job, Dan,” Elise said with a nod.

Amber looked up with a furious expression on her face. “Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!”

Wally hushed forcefully. “Ssssshhhh!”

Amber scowled at him and went back to her test.

Dan turned back up to the trio of men. “And why are there so many questions about imaginary numbers!?” Dan cried.

Caspar’s chuckling increased in volume.

Dan continued, “If the numbers don’t exist, why does anybody care about them?!”

“Dude,” Crunchy interrupted from a seat behind Dan and to his left. “Just because something is imaginary doesn’t mean it’s not important.”

“Quiet, flower child!” Dan snapped. “I didn’t ask for your hippy-dippy nonsense.”

From the desk in front of Dan and to his right, Gibson spoke up, “Electrical engineers care.”

“What’s that?” Dan asked as he raised a hand to his ear. “Sounds like someone is butting their nose in where it doesn’t belong so they can fast track their way to sacrificial lamb status!”

Gibson rolled his eyes. “Look, electrical engineers need to use complex numbers and complex numbers use imaginary numbers.”

D.H. spoke up, “They also come up in time travel a lot!” she announced. She giggled to herself. “I mean… could you imagine trying to calculate mathematical formulations of quantum mechanics without imaginary units?! I mean… derp! Hehehe… How would anyone be able to determine the densely defined self-adjoined operator, the Hamiltonian, without imaginary numbers? Am I right, or am I right?!” she asked with a smile.

The group collectively went silent and stared at her.

“D.H., brah?” Crunchy said. “You are blowing my mind here…”

D.H. sighed. Grabbed her test off her desk and backhanded the piece of furniture in front of her. It fell to the hard stone floor with a resounding ‘THUD!’ After a split second, it caught fire…

…

…as you do.

 D.H. rolled her crooked eyes and said a half-hearted, “I just don’t know what went wrong.”

The group breathed a sigh of relief.

Dan turned back to Gibson and narrowed his eye. “How do you know that electrical engineers use imaginary numbers? Are you making stuff up to make yourself sound smarter and get into Amber’s pants?”

Amber’s eyes widened as she began to cough and sputter. She thumped a fist against her chest a few times and returned to her test.

“No dude,” Gibson replied. “My dad works a lot with electric circuits. I’ve helped him out since I was a kid.”

Dan’s eyes narrowed further. “No!” he cried.

Gibson blinked in confusion. “No?”

“NO!” Dan said louder. “I refuse to believe someone who spends their free time trying and failing to pick up girls is smarter than me in anything!”

Gibson rolled his eyes. “You do realize I actually know how to write music, too right… Like lyrics and notes and everything?”

“Stop it!” Dan cried. “Stop being better than me at things! I will not stand for this.” Dan turned to Chris. “Chris! I demand you devour that mouthy teen right now!”

“Dan, how many times do I have to tell you?!” Chris replied. “I am not nor have I ever been a cannibal!”

Amber suddenly shot up to her feet. “FOR PETE’S SAKE! SHUT UP!”

Wally looked up at Amber with a frown. “Could you please keep it down yourself? I can’t think with you going off like that!”

Amber gritted her teeth and sat back down.

Balthazar looked back and forth between the two men sitting next to them. “Should we stop them? This is by far the noisiest math test we’ve ever had.”

“The anger surges through this group!” Melchior cried. “If they learn to harness it they will be an unstoppable force and destroy all in their path!”

“Uh… Alright…” Balthazar turned to Caspar. “Caspar?”

“This is the most deliciously chaotic math test I’ve ever seen!” Caspar replied with a grin. “I wouldn’t dream of asking them to stop.”

“Well… alright then…” Balthazar said simply as he settled back into his chair and stared back into the group.

Back down in the testing area, Dan continued to argue with Gibson. “Prove to me you’re not just making this all up and you actually know what you’re doing!” he demanded.

“25,920,” Gibson replied.

Dan furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Assuming Soldier takes no breaks while he’s teleporting bread, he’ll have teleported 25,920 loaves by the end of day three.”

“Ha!” Dan cried as he turned to his test and began writing on it. “Thanks for the answer, sucker!”

Caspar clasped his hands around his mouth. “Remember to show your work!” he said with a grin.

“GAH!” Dan cried in frustration as he grabbed his test crinkled it into a ball, and tossed it at the raised platform.

It landed in front of Balthazar who leaned down and grabbed it. He looked back at Dan. “So I take it you’re finished.”

“I HOPE YOU DIE OF GINGIVITIS, OLD MAN!” Dan shouted.

“That’s a ‘yes’,” Balthazar replied.

Dan sighed heavily. “Sarge, how we doing?”

Sarge looked up from his test. “I am not good at many things, but those things that I am good at I am an expert at. Those things include ringing a bell, hand to hand combat, and helping run a thrift store. Complex mathematics does not factor heavily into any of those things.”

Dan frowned and turned to Pinkie. “Pinkie?”

Pinkie continued to stare at her test. Her eyes were glazed over as if she was staring far, far past the paper and the desk it rested on. She once again spoke in a quiet, defeated monotone, “Private Swift Slate fought the X-axis of Evil in question 8. Omn...” Tears began to form in front of Pinkie’s sky-blue eyes. “He didn’t… hick… He didn’t make it…” She raised her hands up to her cheeks and began to press them hard against her face as tears dropped onto the paper below here. “He has a newborn filly that is seven pounds six ounces, he’s never seen her… He wanted to get to Fillydelphia and hold her…” Pinkie suddenly broke into mournful sobs as the tears from her eyes formed small streams that dripped from her cheeks.

Dan frowned. “Remind me to cut back on your movie intake…”

“Seriously!” Amber cried. “Be quiet!”

“Stop talking!” Wally cried. “You’re just making it worse!”

Amber turned and glared at Wally. “Why do you only complain when I’m talking?!” she demanded.

“Sorry,” Wally said, “but I find your voice slightly grating when I’m trying to concentrate.”

“My voice is grating?! MY VOICE IS GRATING?!” Amber exclaimed in disbelief as she motioned to herself.  She motioned to the people behind her. “Dan seems to talk almost completely out of his nose and Pinkie sounds like a chipmunk on helium!”

Pinkie let out a labored, empty giggle as tears continued to stream down her face. “Chipmunks tied to balloons sounds fun…”  The corners of her lips sank into a deep, dark frown once more. “But then the balloons pop on the Point of Symmetry and the Chipmunks fall to into the cosine where they drown…”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Amber. “I hope you die of carpal tunnel syndrome!”

Chris spoke up. “Dan, you can’t die of carpal tunnel syndrome!”

“Fine!” Dan huffed out. “Multiple Personality disorder, then!”

Elise cocked an eyebrow at Dan. “But that’s not…” She shook her head. “Never mind…”

The double doors suddenly opened wide as a large, flat cart piled high with the ingredients Pinkie requested was wheeled in. The cart was quickly followed by Ninja Dave as he pushed it along. Becky walked alongside him.

“We’re back!” Ninja Dave announced.

“Aaaaand time!” Balthazar cried out.

Amber placed her hands under her desk and flipped it over.

‘THUD!’

“Oh, come on!” she cried.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Like you were going to get any more questions at this point anyhow!”

“I might have if you’d have just shut up!” Amber cried.

From one of the seats next to her, Wally sighed heavily.

Amber quickly wheeled on him and pointed an index finger. “DON’T EVEN START!” she cried.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Everyone turned and stared at Pinkie Pie as she began screaming at her test.

“Private Periwinkle was just crushed by a falling factorial!” she cried. “SHE’LL NEVER KNOW THE TASTE OF CANTALOUPE!... OMN!”

Dan sighed. “Pinkie, the test is over. Stop doodling ponies getting murdered by math problems.”

Pinkie’s head jolted up as her eyes slowly began to regain focus. “It’s… it’s over? Master has ended the range of terror?  Pinkie is free?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Goofball. You’re free.”

Pinkie clenched her hands into fists and thrust both of them in the air. “Hurray! Free at last! Free at last! Thank Celestia, we are free at last! Omn...”

Becky looked down into the testing area with a worried expression. “Wow guys, you most of you look like you were put through a ringer!”

Pinkie looked up at Becky. “Oh Becky, it was horrible! There were ones and zeroes everywhere!” Pinkie wrapped her arms around herself and shuddered. “… I think I saw a two…”

“Seriously?” Gibson asked. “The binary question was one of the easier ones!”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Quiet mouthy teen! The adults are talking!”

“Uh, boss man?” Crunchy asked tentatively. “Tests always take a lot out of me. Can I be excused for a nap?”

Gibson smirked.

Dan frowned heavily. “Hippy man-children don’t count, and shut up,” he said. He turned to Crunchy. “Suck it up, soldier! You don’t see Sarge complaining, do you?” Dan motioned to Sarge’s desk where the large man laid slumped over it, snoring away.

Dan folded his arms as glared out into space. “You’re all so lucky I need you to rescue Pinkie or I’d infect you all with a deadly Trojan horse virus!”

Elise sighed heavily and shook her head.

“Ninja Dave,” Balthazar cried out, “would you please collect everyone’s test?”

Ninja Dave glanced down into the test area and frowned as everyone glowered up at him. “Oh right, the math test…”

Becky raised an eyebrow. “Math test? That’s what everyone is freaking out about?!”

Dave cringed. “It was pretty bad from what I remember…”

“Pretty bad?!” Dan roared from below. “You should have warned us! Pinkie could have been killed and that would have been tragic! Also... others may have died and we’d have to waste hours of our lives attending a funeral!”

“Some ponies didn’t make it…” Pinkie murmured. “Brave solders like Private Swift Slate and Private Periwinkle… who only wanted to keep their homes and family safe.”

Dave made his way down into the testing area. “Look, I told you it would be deadly!”

“I thought you just meant physically, and maybe I lose a few employees to some sort of grueling swim through a giant pool of cupcake batter!”

Caspar’s eyes widened and he reached into his pockets. “Oooo, I’ve got to write that one down. It’s a keeper…” he said as he fished out a pen and a notepad.

Dan continued, “I didn’t know these sadists would try to break us mentally!”

Melchior and Caspar cackled to themselves as Dave began collecting tests, many of which slightly crinkled or damp.

Balthazar looked down into the testing area. “Well, if the math test is the worst thing that happens to you today, you can probably consider yourself lucky!” he said with a smile.

Pinkie wailed in response, “MY DREAMS WILL BE HAUNTED BY THE GOLDEN RATIO FOR WEEKS!”

Balthazar nodded. “Hence why I said ‘probably’.”

Chris raised his hand. “Can we move on to doing something we know is relevant to running a bakery? Like baking?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Please, please, pleeeeeease with sugar, and whipped cream, and caramel on top! Omn...”

“Very well!” Balthazar said. “If you can all bake without setting any more fires…”

Dan looked over the group around him. “This group absolutely cannot do that.”

Balthazar shrugged. “Well, as long as you get stuff made without anyone dying…”

Dan took another look at the group. “We probably can do that…”

Balthazar nodded. “Then you may all begin!”

The group quickly ascended the steps up towards their ingredient pile and descended on the cart.

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 123 Pinkie Vs. Wild Cats

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 123 Pinkie Vs. Wild Cats

-ooooooo-

War.

War never changes.

Unless it’s a war fought with food, in which case it tends to be quite a bit different than a typical war. For one, people seemed far less likely to die and slightly less likely to find themselves injured in the line of service.

Yet, if the employees of Wally’s Cupcake and Muffin Emporium were thrust into a war, they’d probably note a number of similarities between the battlefield and their daily grind. The near constant movement, the herculean task of keeping up with an ever-changing chaotic environment, orders constantly being barked at them.

The demands the bakery required of each employee tested both mind and body. Early mornings were spent preparing for the busy day, and a flood of people would enter when the doors were opened. The rest of the day was spent keeping supply up and satisfying customers. The work was grueling and unrelenting, and even the most resilient of the group found themselves committing the occasional mistake.

The work was not for the weak-minded or the easily tired. Many employees had come and gone in a flash, finding themselves burnt out almost as soon as they started. Those that were left had proven they could take the constant tide of orders and the heat of the kitchen. Even a few days was more than many others had shown they could tolerate.

The crew of Wally’s Cupcake and Muffin Emporium had definitely felt the mental strain of the previous test, but even the unforgiving world of numbers was not enough to keep them from instinctively snapping into baking mode when there was something to do.

The cart of ingredients was cleared in moments and everyone quickly filed into the kitchen area and began prepping ingredients for baking.

Dan immediately began assigning tasks, barking out orders in an authoritarian tone. “Amber, mouthy teen! You’re both on dye-making duty.”

Tasks that were accepted without question.

“You got it!” Gibson replied.

“Why am I always paired up with him?!” Amber cried.

Well… almost without question.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “You two seem to work well together. Also shut up.”

“‘Work well together’?!’” Amber cried. “Gibson mostly hits on girls while I yell at him to stop!”

Dan nodded. “Exactly! No one yells at him as well as you do!” Dan glanced up briefly and shrugged. “I mean, I do, but I have better things to do than to keep a teenager focused on work and not on girls.”

It was Amber’s turn to narrow her eyes. “What, I don’t?”

“Obviously not!” Dan replied. “Now get to making dyes!”

Amber sighed as she reached out for one of the beets in front of her.

Dan continued assigning tasks to his crew. “Chris! You’re also on dye duty.”

Chris frowned. “Can’t I help make the batter?”

“No!” Dan called back. “I want you to work with something you’re less likely to eat.”

Chris frowned. “Well, you got me there…”

“D.H., Crunchy. I want you two to work on frosting.”

“Aye aye, Dan!” D.H. replied with a slightly crooked salute.

“You got it, brah!” Crunchy replied.

“Sarge!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“I want you to bring whatever those two clumsy idiots need to them! I want them walking around carrying things as little as possible!”

His right arm still in a sling, Sarge saluted with his left. “Yes sir!”

“Wally!”

“Yes, Dan?” Wally replied.

“You, Pinkie, and I will work on batters.”

“Yay!” Pinkie cried. “Batter buddies~!” she chirped out. “Omn…”

“Alright, Dan,” Wally said with a nod.

Dan raised a hand to Pinkie’s face and brushed crumbs off of it. “And don’t eat your cookies over the batter, Goofball.”

Pinkie nodded. “I won’t, Dan!”

Tasks assigned, each employee immediately began on working on what was asked of them. Though working hours at the bakery where usually chaotic, this was more akin to those early mornings of preparing for the day. Early mornings, while full of activity, where often the calmest time while working at the bakery. With all nine employees working together, dyes, frosting, and batters began to come together quickly and without incident.

From above the kitchen area, the three men of the N.A.R.F. looked down as the bakery employees handled each task with an unexpected amount of professionalism. The arguing and bickering that had been a staple of their time in the headquarters together had quieted to a dull roar, mostly drowned out by the activity of making cupcakes and muffins and the sounds of kitchen machinery. The three men simply found themselves quietly watching the activity below. Caspar had a sour expression on his face, and Melchior tapped his fingertips against the end of his armrest.

Caspar sighed. “Well that was unexpected.”

Balthazar turned to him. “You mean that they’d all recover so quickly and hop right into baking without incident? Impressive, no?”

“More like boring,” Caspar griped as he slouched on his chair, resting his cheek on his fist as he leaned against an arm of the chair. “I thought they’d at least argue with each other some more.”

Balthazar shrugged. “Well, no sense being upset they actually work well together.”

Melchior spoke up. “I do not care for this turn of events either. I do not believe this test is challenging enough.”

“Here, here!” Caspar said in agreement.

Balthazar frowned. “It’s not really a test, but an opportunity for them to prepare for the other tests and show us how they work together as a team.”

“Well, they passed then,” Melchior said simply. “Now let’s test how they react to an unexpected situation.”

Caspar sat up in his chair excitedly. “I second that motion.”

Balthazar stroked his chin. “I suppose I can let a lynx loose into the kitchen, or something…”

Melchior cackled to himself. “Good… Good…”

Caspar nodded with a malevolent smile. “That will be sufficient.” He frowned. “Still, we really should have some more stuff on hand so you don’t have to do it yourself.”

Balthazar sat up out of his chair and began descending the stairs. “Sure! Why don’t we just throw money away while I’m at it?!”

Caspar merely rolled his eyes.

Their minds focused on the task at hand. The bakery employees took no note of the activity happening above them. So engrossed in their work were they, that they only looked up when a low growling noise was heard behind them.

“Grrrrrrrrr…”

The group collectively stopped working as their eyes went wide with worry.

Pinkie turned and gasped. “Big kitty!” she squealed in delight. “Omn…”

The rest of the group turned and looked at the several-feet-long cat with a black speckles over its grey and orange fur. It growled and moved its head back and forth over the line of people who were  busily working on making cupcakes and muffins prior to the large cat announcing its presence.

Dan sighed. “Alright, no one panic. A wild bobcat has wandered into the kitchen.”

“WHAT?!” Gibson cried. “Is it shooting radioactive flames from its mouth or anything?!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “No, mouthy teen. It appears to be a regular Bobcat.”

Gibson breathed a sigh of relief. “You had me worried there for a second.”

“I said ‘no one panic’, didn’t I?!” Dan cried. “Anyhow, go deal with it.”

“ME?!” Gibson cried. “I don’t know how to handle a bobcat! That thing will shred me.”

Dan grinned wickedly. “That’s the idea.”

“DaAaAaAaAaAaAn~,” Pinkie cooed. “Don’t you remember our agreement?”

Dan thought briefly then frowned. “Alright… Sarge,” Dan called out, “grab that cat, willya?”

“Yes sir!” Sarge said with a salute. He pivoted and turned towards the large feline. The bobcat quickly shifted its weight onto its back haunches and leapt at Sarge. However, Sarge quickly snatched the predator by its neck and held it in place. “Got it, sir!”

Dan nodded. “Escort our furry guest out, if you will.”

“Awwww…” Pinkie said in a disappointed tone. “Can’t I pet it first?!”

Dan sighed. “Pinkie, it’s not someone’s house pet that wandered into the kitchen! It’s a wild animal that was released probably in the hopes that it would maul us.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as her eyes widened. She let out a small whimper as tears formed in front of her eyes.

“Gah! Fine!” Dan said in an exasperated tone. “But be careful!”

Pinkie blew out a dismissive gust of air. “Pfffft, what could possibly go wrong?” Pinkie cried as she bounded off towards Sarge and the large feline he held by its scruff.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Did you just—?”

Pinkie reached her hand out towards the Bobcat. “Good kitty, I just—”

“GRRRAHHRAAAHHRAAHH!” the Bobcat growled as it swiped its claws out at the outstretched arm.

“AHHH!” Pinkie attempted to retract her arm a little too late as the Bobcat’s large paws hit her bare forearm. They raked across it as Sarge pulled the cat away. Pinkie quickly clasped her other hand around the lacerations and stared at the Bobcat with a hurt expression on her face.

“Uh… I better find a place for this little guy,” Sarge said sheepishly as he pivoted and walked up the stairs back to the raised platform.

Dan looked at Pinkie and folded his arms across his chest. “I can’t help but feel you deserved that.”

“Give me a break!” Pinkie cried as blood trickled out from her wound. “There are like… two famous cartoon Bobcats!”

“Well why’d you reference the one who sucks!?”

“THE OTHER ONE DOESN’T HAVE A CATCHPHRASE!” Pinkie replied shrilly.

“WELL THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO MAKE REFERENCES TO THINGS THAT ARE ATROCIOUSLY BAD AND PROBABLY CAUSE CANCER!”

From an out-of-the-way corner of the kitchen area, Ninja Dave, Becky, and Elise all stared at the quarreling couple quizzically.

Becky spoke up. “Uhhh… Shouldn’t someone stop them?”

“Yeah, they’ve totally lost focus on baking,” Ninja Dave added.

“Oh, they do stuff like this all the time,” Chris informed as he looked up from the carrot he was peeling.

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “They argue over references while one of them slowly loses blood instead of treating their injury?”

Amber turned briefly and shrugged. “Sometimes they’re both injured…”

From above the kitchen area, Caspar frowned. “Well that was short-lived.”

Melchior nodded. “They seem unusually conditioned to such adverse conditions.”

“Well, shall we let them work in peace?” Balthazar asked.

Caspar looked up at him in smile. “No, I think another animal is in order. The pink-haired one seems fond of cats.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes and began walking down from the raised platform again. “Fine, fine… I’ll let another feline loose.”

-ooo-

“Kcchisssss!”

Having settled back into the rhythm of work, the group gave a slight jump as a peculiar clicking sound was heard followed by a hiss. They turned to see a small cat with a light tan coat staring back at them.

Pinkie squealed in delight. “Oh my gosh! It’s a sand cat! Imma gonna pet it!”

Dan sighed. “Do not pet the sand cat!”

“Oh, I’m gonna!” Pinkie replied as she turned and bounded towards the small animal.

“Pinkie! Do not—”

“KCccHISSSSSSSSS!”

“AAAAAAHHHHH!” Pinkie cried as the sand cat leaped at her already bandaged arm and dug its claws in. She began flailing her arm about. “GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!  GET IT OFF! GET-IT-OFF!”

Dan sighed. “Sarge, would you…?”

“On it, sir!” Sarge said as he walked over to Pinkie. He quickly grabbed the sand cat by the scruff of the neck and walked off with it.

“Dan, Dan!” Pinkie cried as she bounded up to Dan and held out her scratched up arm. “The cute kitty tried to eat my arm!” she wailed.

“Awwww…” Dan said. “Let’s get that cleaned up right away…”

“Ummm-hmmm…” Pinkie hummed weakly as she nodded.

Dave, Becky, and Elise all exchanged confused glances and shrugs.

-ooo-

“Rrrwoooerrr...Rrrwooooerrrr… Rrrwooooerr…”

The group paused briefly and turned to see a stout cat with thick fur that was a mixture of white, black, and brown. Seeing the animal was roughly the size of a house cat, most simply returned to their task. Though two of their number paid a bit more attention to the animal.

Pinkie squealed again. “It’s a Pallas’ses cat! Imma gonna hug it!”

Dan smacked a palm against his face. “Haven’t you learned anything in the last several minutes?!” Dan asked through the hand on his face.

Pinkie nodded her head. “I have learned that Pallas’ses cats look even fluffier in person than on the internet! I can only imagine hugging it would be better than I could possibly dream! Omn…”

Dan added his second hand to his face. “Fine, go hug it!”

“YAY!” Pinkie cried.

“Uh… sir?” Sarge said in an unsure tone.

“She’s got to learn somehow!” Dan replied.

“RWWWWOOOUEEER!”

“AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!” Pinkie cried. “THE CLAWS THEY’RE TINY BUT SHARP! BUT IT’S SO FLUFFY! I CAN’T STOP—OUCH— HUGGING IT! OUCHIES!”

Dan sighed. “Sarge?”

Sarge saluted. “Yes, sir!” Sarge walked up to Pinkie and quickly yanked that fur ball of a feline off of Pinkie’s torso. The Pallas’s cat’s claws tore through Pinkie’s vest and the shirt underneath.

“Daaaaan!” Pinkie wailed. “The fluffy kitty tore up my clothes!” She paused and added. “…And my skin… Omn…” she added as dots of red appeared from the fresh scratches on her arms and torso.

“Awwww…” Dan uttered. He grabbed Pinkie by the hand and walked off towards the stairs. “Let’s get you cleaned up…”

-ooo-

“WRGCVHUUGRCCHHH…”

The group flashed each other quizzical looks as a peculiar noise came from behind them. They turned to see what appeared to be a miniature-sized leopard.

Pinkie’s eyes widened as she saw yet another small feline.

Dan rolled his eyes and looked up at the trio of men high above him. “Seriously, do you really think Pinkie is so absentminded that she’d…”

“OH MY CELESTIA, DAN! IT’S AN OCELOT!” Pinkie cried excitedly.

Dan made a pained hissing sound as he inhaled and pinched the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “And you’re going to give it a belly rub?”

“IMMA GONNA GIVE IT A BELLY RUB!” Pinkie declared.

“Pinkie!” Dan said in a chastising tone as he flung his hands out in frustration. “Stop going up to all these wild cats! It’s just a trick!”

“But Dan,” Pinkie replied, “tricks are for kids!”

Dan paused and stared at Pinkie blankly. “… You know what Pinkie? On second thought, rub that cat’s belly. Rub it with your face.”

“YAY!” Pinkie cried. “I’m gonna name it Babou!” she declared as she walked up to ocelot.

“DAN!” Elise said in a chastising tone.

“WHAT?!” Dan protested as he motioned out to Pinkie. “It’s not like you can tell me I haven’t been trying!”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Pinkie cried. “THWERES AWN OWCEWOT ON MWY FWACE!” Pinkie ran through the kitchen area with an ornery ocelot fastened around her head.

“WRGCVHUUGRCHH!”

Elise narrowed her eyes and motioned to Pinkie Pie.

Dan rolled his eyes. “I’ve told her over and over again not to go up to the wild cats! But does she listen?! No!”

“But that doesn’t mean you should encourage her to go up to them!” Elise shot back.

Dan rolled his eyes. “She’s going to do it anyways! Might as well get it over with!”

Crunchy spoke up. “It is rather hard to talk her out of this stuff, brah.”

“Umm-hmm!” D.H. hummed out with a nod.

Wally carefully frosted a cupcake in front of him. “I just keep the first aid kit well-stocked.”

Ninja Dave shot Dan a perplexed look. “Well if you know this is going to happen, why even try talking her out of it?”

Dan stared at Ninja Dave blankly. “Because I love her!” he said.

“Awwww!” D.H. uttered with a smile.

“SWOMEONE PWEAAAASSEEE PWULL THIS THING OFFA MWY FWACE!” Pinkie cried.

“On it!” Sarge cried as he walked up to Pinkie.

“RRRWRGCCHHUUGRCCH!”

The ocelot growled furiously as Sarge grabbed it by the scruff and yanked it off of Pinkie’s face. Sarge held the animal at arm’s length as Pinkie stared at it, blood trickling from the long lacerations on her cheeks.

Pinkie suddenly grinned. “Hehehe… Babou, you have such a fluff-wuffy tummy! It was kinda fun having my face pressed against it.”

“GRRRORRRCCH!” ‘Babou’ swiped out with its claws and caught Pinkie’s nose.

“EEEK!” Pinkie cried. She quickly raised a hand to her just-scratched face.

“Whoops,” Sarge said as he backed up a few steps. “Sorry, looks like there’s still plenty of fight in this one.

 “Totally worth it…” Pinkie squeaked out in a strained voice as she held a hand against her nose.

“Grrrowwrr?” the ocelot replied in a questioning growl.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “No, Babou. That was all sarcasm.”

“Rrrrowwrr?”

“YES, ALL OF IT, YOU FOX-EARED @$&#%—”

-ooo-

“Meow… meow…”

The group collectively rolled their eyes and turned. Yet another feline sat and watched them. This one with a spotted coat and a head that looked disproportionately small to the rest of the animal’s body.

“What the heck is that?!” Pinkie cried, her cheeks both sporting large bandages.

“It’s a serval,” Dan answered. “It’s a medium-sized African wild cat.”

Pinkie frowned. “Well it’s weird-looking!”

“Seriously?” Dan asked. “You don’t want to pet it or anything?”

Pinkie held up her bandage-wrapped arms. “Does it look like I’ve had good experience with petting wild cats today?!”

Becky breathed a sigh of relief. “Pheww… she’s learning… I was beginning to think—”

Dan frowned. “I bet you’re just saying that because you think it looks weird.”

Pinkie scrunched up her lips and pursed her lips. “Am not!”

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “I think you’re prejudice against servals!”

“How can I be prejudice against servalseses?!” Pinkie cried. “I never even saw a servalseseses until today!”

“You’ve gone up to pet every wild feline that’s been let loose in here without question! Only when you see this one do you start hesitating!” Dan shot back.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “You know what?! FINE! Imma gonna pet it!”

Becky sighed to herself. “Never mind…” she said quietly to herself.

“Good!” Dan cried.

“GOOD!” Pinkie shouted back.

“Pinkie, no!” Elise cried.

“Sorry, Elise!” Pinkie said. “But my reputation as a non-prejudiceseseses wild cat lover is on the line!”

“Pinkie!” Elise protested. “You’ll just get—!”

“Shhhh…” Chris hushed out as he looked up from the cupcake he was frosting. “Honey, just let nature take its course.”

“AAAHHHH! IT BIT MY HAND!” Pinkie cried out. “WHAT A TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE, YET UNAVOIDABLE OUTCOME!”

Becky motioned out to Pinkie as she attempted to free her hand from the mouth of the Serval. “That’s nature taking its course?!”

The bakery employees all nodded their heads up and down.

“Oh Becky, Becky,  Becky,” Dan said in a knowing tone. “Pinkie going up to an animal she’s not supposed to and getting attacked is as natural as the food chain… Like a lion downing a gazelle, an eagle flying off with a sheep, a dog catching a Frisbee, or a shark eating a gorilla.”

Elise stared blankly at Dan. “Alright, I know you watch a lot of nature shows, so how is it—”

“SOMEONE GET THIS WEIRD-LOOKING THING OFF MY HAND!” Pinkie cried as the serval continued to clamp down on her hand. It’s head simply bobbing up and down as Pinkie attempted to get her hand loose.

“I’ll help you, sir!” Sarge said. He walked up and grabbed the tall feline by the back of its neck. It let go of Pinkie, who began to cradle her bleeding hand with a frown on her face.

Ninja Dave turned towards Dan. “So what did you do before Sarge was around to remove wild animals?”

Dan shrugged. “We poked the animals with brooms and mops until they left.”

Wally nodded. “Ever since we hired Sarge, I no longer have to buy new ones all the time!”

“DAAAAAN!” Pinkie wailed. “That mean, weird kitty bit me!”

“Awww…” Dan said as he walked up to Pinkie. “Let me see…”

Pinkie slowly showed her hand to Dan as he carefully looked it over.

“Okay, that’s another weird thing, dude,” Ninja Dave said. “You seem totally fine with Pinkie getting mauled one second, then you’re all concerned and trying to treat her wounds the next! How does that make any sense?!”

“Because I love her!” Dan cried as he looked up from Pinkie hand. “How is that hard to understand?!”

Pinkie smiled and leaned her head against Dan’s shoulder.

Dave just sighed and shook his head.

“Uh… Excuse me,” Wally said as he looked up at the three men above him. “We’ve made piles and piles of cupcakes and muffins. How many do we need?”

Balthazar peered down into the kitchen, where stacks of bakery boxes were piled up high.

Caspar also glanced down and then looked at Balthazar. “Do we have any more small or medium-sized wild cats?” he asked.

“The cougar is the next smallest,” Balthazar informed.

Melchior cackled wickedly.

“That could be entertaining,” Caspar said with a devilish grin.

Balthazar raised an eyebrow. “You know if she gets killed, she’s going to be a lot less entertaining…  Also the rest of the group won’t have a reason to continue…”

Melchior went silent and Caspar frowned.

“Fine, fine,” Caspar said. “I suppose that’s enough baking and wild cats…” He paused and added, “for now…” quietly.

Balthazar turned to the group. “Congratulations! You have all survived the task of baking your own food for the next challenges… also, wild cats!”

“Yaaaay…” Pinkie said weakly. She stumbled to the side as Dan quickly caught her.

“Are you okay?” Dan asked in a concerned tone.

“I think I lost a lot of blood that last challenge,” she smiled and raised a cookie up. “Good thing I have a good supply of sugar on hand. Omn…”

“Your next challenge lies behind that door!” Balthazar said as he motioned to a door attached to the kitchen.

Everyone turned and stared at the door.

“…”

The group continued to quietly stare at the door.

Chris looked up. “Uh… do we…? Did you need one of us to open it?” he asked.

“NINJA!” Balthazar cried. “Open the door, please!”

Ninja Dave nodded. “Yes, sir.”

Dave walked up and opened the door. On the other side was a large brown bear and a pair of bear cubs sitting at a wooden table.

The group looked at the large, wild animals with worried expressions plastered on their faces, with a couple notable exceptions…

Pinkie gasped. “MAYBE THEY’RE FRIENDLY!” she cried in a cheerful tone.

“Pinkie, no!” Dan cried.

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 124 Dan Vs. Bears

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 124 Dan Vs. Bears

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 124 Dan Vs. Bears

-ooooooo-

Dan quickly reached out and grabbed Pinkie’s arm. “Do not try to make friends with a mother grizzly bear and its cubs!”

“But I want to see if they have porridge!” Pinkie cried.

Dan placed his face within an inch of Pinkie’s and gently caressed one of her bandaged cheeks. “Goofball, let me love you. Don’t make this hard for us.”

Pinkie raised a hand to Dan’s and rubbed her bandaged cheek against his palm. “Awwww, alright Dan.”

Elise and Becky both narrowed their eyes and shot dagger-like glares at Dan.

Dan caught the look. He took a step away from Pinkie and motioned out to her with his free hand. “She was going to walk into a room with three bears.”

Becky spoke up, “Still, that seemed pretty manipulative, dude.”

Elise nodded in agreement.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Sorry if I think Pinkie would be a lot harder to love if she was a corpse.”

Elise and Becky scrunched their lips up slightly and thought about this.

“What if I was a zombie? Omn…” Pinkie suggested cheerfully.

Dan pulled up his face into a mildly disgusted look. “Harder still.”

“Vampire?” Pinkie said.

Dan narrowed his eyes again. “We already had that chance. You said ‘no’.”

Pinkie folded her arms and rolled her eyes. “I was just being hypothetical, d’uh!” Pinkie raised the last bit of her cookie into her mouth and ate it with an “Omn…”, she then held up her empty hand expectantly.

Ninja Dave walked over to a Tupperware container on the counter, retrieved a cookie, and walked up to Pinkie. He placed the cookie in Pinkie’s hand.

“Thank you!” Pinkie said sweetly.

Ninja Dave nodded.

“… Am I a vampire too in this situation?” Dan asked.

Most of the group looked on at the couple in mild irritation. Becky looked on with interest.

“Uhh… Does it matter?” Pinkie said.

“Your feet are already ice-cold when you crawl into bed most nights,” Dan said. “I’m doubting snuggling someone with no body heat.”

Pinkie smiled. “Fiiiine~, you can be a vampire too.”

“Easier,” Dan said with a smile.

Pinkie nodded then stared up. “Let’s see… what else, what else…”

“Ghoul!” Becky suggested excitedly.

The group collectively gave her a strange look.

Dan flung his hands out. “Oh, that’s almost the same as zombie!” Dan whined.

“Lich!” Becky said.

Dan tapped an index finger against his stubble covered cheek as he thought about this. “Yeaaaah, no. Still harder. Pinkie would be all bony.”

“What if you were a lich, too?” Pinkie asked.

“How would that make a difference?” Dan asked. “You’d still be bony!”

“You’d be bony, too! Omn…” Pinkie replied.

“So!?” Dan cried. “That doesn’t mean my standards for what’s attractive would have changed!”

Elise leaned forward. “Dan, if I said I was sorry about questioning how you handled Pinkie, would this conversation end?”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Elise. “Chris, I think your wife is having a mini stroke. She’s speaking gibberish.”

Elise sighed. “… I thought as much.”

From the other room, the mother bear uttered a low, menacing growl. “Grrrrrrrrhhhh…”

“Uh Dan,” Wally said in a worried tone, “I think you’re upsetting the mother bear…”

“And I think you’re interrupting an important conversation!” Dan snapped back. He turned back towards Pinkie. “Now where were we?”

“Mummy?” Pinkie suggested with a smile.

“You know how I feel about mummies!” Dan cried angrily.

Pinkie smiled and rolled her eyes. “I know how you feel about a mummy.” She grinned. “But what if I was wrapped up just right, with my Egyptian cotton just barely covering my naughty bits?”

Gibson’s eyes went wide. “Easier...” he said, his voice cracking slightly as he did.

Dan shot Gibson a glare. “Sarge, please hit mouthy teen with your bell.”

“Yes, sir!” Sarge said as he reached into his pocket.

“What?!” Gibson protested. “She’s hot.”

‘SMACK!’

‘RIING!’

“OW!”

A satisfied expression on his face, Dan turned back towards Pinkie. “Easier, but I can’t help but feel you stacked things in your favor on that last one…” he said, maintaining his smile.

Elise turned to Chris. “How the heck do you guys get anything done with these two?”

Chris shrugged. “They’re pretty focused when it comes to baking… also Dan usually stops when he has to yell at someone who’s irritating him. Usually someone who’s eating straight from the display case, or dropped something, or eating frosting by the spoonful…”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “Two of those three things were things you do, weren’t they?”

Chris frowned. “Maybe…”

Gibson rubbed his head and motioned to the open door next to the kitchen area. “There’s still a room full of bears we need to do something about!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fine! Mouthy teen, go feed yourself to the bears.”

“What?! Why?!” Gibson cried.

“Uh, Dan…?” Chris said tentatively.

Dan grinned wickedly at Gibson, ignoring Chris. “Maybe they’ll get sleepy and we can sneak past them!”

Gibson frowned. “Do we even know what we’re supposed to do with the bears?!”

Dan and Pinkie stared at Gibson briefly then looked up at the trio of old men above them.

“Hey!” Dan called out. “What are we supposed to do about the bears?”

Balthazar shouted back, “You’re supposed to get past them! There’s a door on the other side of the room where your next challenge lies.”

Dan turned back to Gibson. “See?! There you go! Go feed yourself to the bears!”

Gibson frowned heavily as his eyes opened wide.

“But before you do that, Pinkie and I were in the middle of a conversation before we were rudely interrupted!”

Chris tried to speak up again. “Hey guys, why don’t I ju—”

“Dan,” Elise exclaimed, “can’t you just table that discussion until the threat of being mauled by wildlife has passed?!”

“Awwww…” Becky uttered in disappointment.

“Wait, one more,” Pinkie said as she held up her index finger. She grinned mischievously at Dan. “What if I was a zombie ape?” Pinkie’s grin went supernova.“Hypothetically speaking, that is.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “You know what Pinkie? Go make friends with the bears.”

Pinkie beamed. “What do you think the bears will like more? Fireworks or noise makers?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Why not both?”

Pinkie gasped. “Genius!”

“Pinkie!” Elise called out.

“Yes, Elise?”

Chris frowned. “Hey, you know we can prob—”

Elise held up her hand. “Just a second, Chris.” Quick! Think fast! She quickly reached a hand into her pocket and pulled out her keys. “Look how shiny my keys are!”Maybe that was too fast…

Pinkie inhaled a large volume of air as Elise’s keys jangled in front of her. “Oh my gosh, those are shiny!”

Elise grinned. “I know, right?”

“How are they even doing that?!” Pinkie cried.

“I uh… don’t know! Would you like to hold them?”

“Oh, I do! I do! I do!” Pinkie cried as she balled her hands and held her fists up by her face excitedly.

Elise handed Pinkie her keys. Pinkie gleefully accepted them, grinning happily to herself as she held them up in front of her face.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Really? A set of keys?”

“A set of keys what?” Pinkie replied as she jangled the keys in front of her a few more times. “Hehehe, jingle, jingle…”

“It just seems a little childish even by your standards.”

Pinkie shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m feeling pretty light-headed…”

Ninja Dave spoke up, “You did lose an awful lot of blood.”

Pinkie raised a cookie in her free hand and took a bite. “Omn… Ywou thwink someone will fwind it?”

D.H. smiled. “Maybe they have a lost-and-found here!”

Dan sighed and shook his head.

“So uh…” Wally began, “about this bear…”

“I’M WORKING ON IT!” Dan snapped.

Chris spoke up. “You know, if you’d just…”

“Quiet, monkey-face!” Dan called out. “We’re brainstorming about our bear problem, and no doubt anything you say will be dumb and unhelpful!”

Chris sighed heavily.

Dan looked towards Crunchy. “Hey, Crunchy… You’re a filthy, tree-hugging hippy, right?”

Crunchy nodded. “Guilty as charged, brah.”

“And you like animals, right?”

“I love all of Mother Nature’s creations.”

“Great!” Dan said with a smile. “Now go feed yourself to the bears.”

Crunchy briefly glanced at the angry mother bear then back to Dan. “Uh, boss man? Don’t you get something from Pinkie if we all live?”

“Oh right…” Dan said as his eyes widened slightly. “Don’t feed yourself to the bears,” he said, pointing at Crunchy.

Amber spoke up, “Not that I have any problem with all of us surviving—”

“Awwww!” Gibson said cried as he turned towards Amber. “You do care!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Only that in if you die, I’m sure your mom would hunt us down one by one.”

“Well…” Gibson began, trailing off slightly. “Not all of you…”

Amber continued as she looked at Dan, “I’m still surprised painting fingernails is all it takes for you to give up on sacrificing employees who annoy you.”

Ninja Dave nodded in agreement. “Fingernail painting does seem like an odd thing to adopt a ‘no man left behind’ mantra.”

Dan grinned. “It’s not just fingernails~!” he sang out.

D.H. gasped. “You mean…?”

Dan grinned at her. “Yep! Fingers and toes!”

D.H. and Dan both made elated, high pitched squeals as the brought their hands up to their faces and squeezed their fists excitedly.

“GRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!”

“Oh look,” Amber said in a dry tone. “Those bears we’re ignoring are still in the room and the mother is getting angrier as we just stand here right outside in clear view of her and her cubs.”

Dan shot Amber a scowl. “No one likes a negative attitude, Amber. What happened to all that hippy, ‘find your center’ crud you used to do?”

“I finally decided it wasn’t working and decided to just express my anger after committing breaking and entering and assault with you, remember?! How am I doing expressing myself, by the way?”

Dan frowned. “I think you’re expressing a little too much anger. Maybe you should try some breathing exercises, or some calming chamomile tea.”

Amber’s left eye began to twitch uncontrollably. “GRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about!”

The mother bear roared angrily from the other room, “GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!”

“Uh everyone?” Wally said in a nervous tone as he pulled out his handkerchief and dabbed at his forehead. “There’s still an angry bear in the room next to us.”

“GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!”

The corners of Wally’s already frowning mouth sank slowly on his face as if it had just wandered into quicksand… of the face. “And she’s getting angrier,” Wally added.

Chris smiled. “Well, I think—”

Dan turned back to Amber and flung his hands out to his sides. “Way to go Amber! Way to make the bear angrier!”

“AAAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGG!” Amber roared. “That’s it! I’m going to kill him!”

“Yes!” Elise exclaimed happily.

Pinkie looked at Elise, puffed her lips out and whimpered slightly.

Elise pursed her lips as she noticed Pinkie’s whimper. “Uh… I mean… No! Bad Amber! Killing Dan is wrong!”

Pinkie gave Elise a satisfied nod.

“I DON’T CARE!” Amber cried. “I’M REALLY GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME!”

“Crunchy, D.H., Sarge!” Dan barked out. “Operation flighty broad!”

“Yes, sir!” Sarge called out.

Amber lunged at Dan as D.H. quickly threw her arms around her. Crunchy and Sarge quickly rushed over and helped restrain the irate woman.

“LET ME GO!” Amber cried as she struggled against the three people holding her. “HE NEEDS TO DIE FOR THE BETTERMENT OF HUMANITY!” Dan took a step back as Amber reached out with an outstretched hand, her fingers tensed into an angry claw-like shape.

“Whoa! Save it for the bear!” Dan cried.

“Dan,” Chris said, “I don’t think we should send Amber in to fight the bear. I think—”

Gibson quickly raised a hand. “I second Amber not getting sent to be mauled by a bear.”

Chris sighed and shook his head.

“Awww,” Dan whined out as he motioned to Amber, “but she’s crazy when she’s angry! Also kinda scary.”

“I’M SERIOUSLY GOING TO MURDER YOU!” Amber shouted out.

“See?!” Dan said as he motioned to Amber.

“Can I let go now?” D.H. asked. “I think she’s trying to claw out my eyes to get free, and they sort of don’t work that great as it is…”

“Yer doin’ fine,” Dan said.

“Dan,” Pinkie began in a pleading tone, “please don’t let Amber go into the room with the bears all angry and shouty like that!”

“What?!” Dan said in a protesting tone. “I’m just helping her focus her anger in a more constructive manner, i.e. attacking a bear!”

Wally cleared his throat. “Speaking of the bear—”

Dan rolled his eyes. “What is it with you and the stupid bear?!”

“Well, I uh… I’d kind of like to figure out what to do about it before it decides to leave the room and attack us,” Wally said.

 “Well, what do you think I’m doing?!” Dan huffed out.

“I’d also like to come up with a plan where no one gets mauled,” Wally added.

“Fiiiiiine!” Dan replied. “Maybe if enough of you all rush the bears you can subdue them and we can get past them.”

“I think we can do this without physically attacking, and being attacked, by the bears, Dan,” Chris said.

Dan looked into the room with the bears, then turned back to Chris. “You have a better idea of how to get pass the bears, doofus?”

Chris folded his arms over his chest. “You know, I might.”

“Well don’t keep us all in suspense!” Dan cried. “We’re all waiting for your stupid idea.”

Chris nodded. “I think we can serve them food.”

“Pretty sure I already suggested that when I wanted to send in mouthy teen,” Dan replied.

“Dude!” Gibson exclaimed. “What happened to Amber being on the bottom?”

Pinkie attempted to stifle a laugh. “Pffffthahaha… Maybe it wasn’t a good angle for—”

“Pinkie!” Amber cried out as her face flushed. “You stop that right now, or I will deck you!”

Chris grumbled to himself as he walked off towards the room occupied by bear cubs and their angry mother.

“Amber,” Pinkie cried excitedly, “you’re not seething with blinding hatred for Dan anymore!”

Sarge, D.H., and Crunchy cautiously loosened their hold on Amber.

Amber sighed heavily. “Sure… for now…”

Pinkie grinned. “Was it the power of love?!”

Amber’s eyes widened in surprise “I… what?” She turned and looked at Gibson briefly, then back to Pinkie. “I mean… No… just… l… GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Sarge, D.H., and Crunchy quickly grabbed hold of Amber as she attempted to lunge at Pinkie.

“Eeep…” Pinkie said quietly as backed off from Amber. “Well, someone sure is tsundere today.”

Becky broke into a fit of laughter.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,” Amber cried angrily, “BUT I’M PRETTY SURE I SHOULD THRASH YOU FOR IT!”

Wally sighed heavily. “So, we’re just going to sit here and argue until the bear decides to come out and claw our faces off? Is that the plan?”

“Seriously?!” Dan cried. “Don’t you have anything else to moan about?! We have problems too!”

Wally frowned heavily at Dan. “Well, I figured we could concentrate on the one problem we all have. That is, that there’s an angry bear in there that might come out and attack us.”

“Yeah, she won’t be doing that,” Chris informed.

Dan glared at Chris. “And just where did you run off to? We’ve got an Amber alert over here to deal with!”

Ninja Dave spoke up, “Dude, you do realize that’s an actual thing, right?”

“Of course I do!” Dan shouted back angrily. “What else would you call it when Amber is indulging on rage and trying to attack people?!”

Dave sighed and turned to Elise. “How do you put up with this?” he asked as he motioned to Dan.

Elise shrugged. “I remind myself that people I care about would be very sad if something were to happen to Dan.”

Pinkie giggled to herself as she continued to stare at the keys in her hand. “Wowie-zowie! Can you imagine how many doors these things open?! I mean, it’s got to be…” Pinkie paused and counted the keys, “… at least six!”

“… Also that those people I care about have better days than others,” Elise added.

“Look!” Chris cried. “I just went up to the bear and talked to it!”

Dan paused and looked into the room. The bears were sitting neatly at the table, grazing on a collection of cupcakes and muffins.

From above the group, Caspar sighed to himself.

Melchior glanced over. “I told you we should have done the lions!”

“But I thought we should change things up from cats! How was I supposed to know they had a Canadian amongst them!?”

Balthazar stroked his chin. “Maybe we need to expand our opening ine of questions to include if anyone can talk to animals…” he mused.

Below the men, Dan continued to argue with Chris. “So you could speak bear and you never told usthis entire time?!”

“I tried!” Chris replied. “Like… half a dozen times! Besides, you’ve seen me talk to a bear before! Don’t you remember our first trip to Canada?”

Dan thought back…

-ooooooo-<

Dressed in an outfit composed of a suit jacket over his ‘JERK’ T-shirt, slacks, a top hat, and monocle, Dan held out a fishbowl-shaped wine glass and one hand as a sharply dressed, middle-aged man poured a bubbly, neon green liquid into it.

Dan regarded the man through his monocle as he lounged in his comfortable-looking leather seat. “Thank you Alfred,” Dan said as he swirled the green liquid in his glass. “Now be a good chap and hike to the front of the limo. I would very much like to hear from Jarvis how much longer it is until we’ve reached northern Canada.”

Alfred bowed slightly. “Very good, sir.”

Dan turned to another seat back in the limo. “Well, Chris old bean, soon we can rid the world of the Canadian menace with a single avalanche of snow and ice! We should finish just in time for me to accept my Nobel peace prize.” Dan smiled. “Good thing my scientific research uncovered the secret of the weak point in their glacier.”

From a seat across from Dan, Chris sat wearing a tall, cone-shaped dunce cap as he swung an irate cat by its tail. “I’m the second biggest idiot, ever!”

<-oooooooo->

Chris narrowed his eyes at Dan. “Dan, you don’t have a limo, butlers, or a Nobel Peace Prize.”

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “Well I should have a Peace Prize considering they’ll just hand out one to anybody nowadays!”

Becky chuckled. “Ouch… burn notice, Nobel committee…”

Chris continued, “Also, I told you about the weak spot in the glacier!”

“WHAT?!” Elise cried.

“Uh… hey,” Chris began nervously, “now that the bears are happily eating, we should probably move on to the next challenge.”

 Dan smiled and wrung his hands together. “Looks like our unstoppable team of competent bakers has completely obliterated another test!”

“Finally!” Wally huffed out.

Tired from her struggles, Amber collapsed into a heap on the ground. Tired from struggling with her, Crunchy and D.H. collapsed on top of her as Sarge simply looked on with a concerned expression.

“Hufff… So… angry… puff… but… tired…” Amber uttered from the bottom of the baker pile.

“Jingle-jingly, hehehehehe…” Pinkie said as she continued to stare at Elise’s keys.

Dan frowned as he looked over the group. “I’d be mad, but I’m honestly not sure what I was expecting from you all.”

Gibson smiled. “On the plus side, no one got mauled by a bear!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “My heart’s all aflutter.” He sighed. “Alright, crew. Speech time.”

The group of bakers huddled up near Dan.

Dan continued, “You’re weird. Many of you seem to be suffering from bizarre mental afflictions that probably make it hard to function in society... I’m still amazed some of you show up to work wearing pants or a skirt most days, and I don’t care for how many of you smell, you also look funny, dress weird… Also many of you disappoint me pretty much at least once anytime I work a shift with you, usually more often than that—”

“Dan, are you actually going anywhere with this?” Chris asked.

“EXCUSE YOU CAPTAIN RUDENESS! IF YOU’D BE SO KIND AS TO LET ME FINISH, JUST MAYBE YOU’D FEEL INSPIRED BY MY ROUSING SPEECH!” Dan paused and tapped an index finger against his chin. “Now where was I?”

Pinkie smiled. “You were telling us what huge disappointments we all are!”

“Right!” Dan replied. “You guys are horrible…. Just the worst…”

Half of Dan’s fellow bakery employees narrowed their eyes and glared at Dan. However, the other half looked on with hopeful smiles and slightly moist eyes.

Dan continued, “However, you’ve all made it this far, so you can’t all be completely terrible! With this crew and my leadership… mostly my leadership… I’m fairly certain we can get through these tests without anyone dying horribly! So let’s go through this room and onto the next challenge for Pinkie!”

Pinkie placed her partially eaten cookie in her mouth and happily clapped her hands.

“Hurray!” D.H. said cried excitedly. “We’re not total disappointments!”

Crunchy smiled. “I know, we’re totally moving up in the world!”

“Excellent speech, sir!” Sarge said as he rung his bell in approval.

“You’re lucky I’m still resting,” Amber growled out in irritation.

Chris turned to her. “You know, that was actually one of Dan’s better speeches…”

Wally frowned. “Maybe I should do the speeches from now on…”

“Can we just move on?” Gibson asked. “It’s getting late and my mom’s gonna be upset as it is…”

“Alright minions, that’s enough praise for now,” Dan said. “Onward!” he cried as he motioned towards the doorway.

The group followed Dan into the room occupied by the bears.

“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

No sooner had the group filed into the room than they ran out, an angry mother bear in pursuit.

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID THE BEARS WERE EATING!” Dan yelled at Chris.

“They were!” Chris shot back. “We must have took so long that they finished!”

“GHAH!” Dan cried he continued to run. “Why can’t any of you just stay focused long enough to do one simple thing?! Just go talk to her again, or something!”

“Oh, so now that we’re being chased by an angry bear, my idea is worth something!”

Amber turned to the two arguing friends. “WOULD YOU TWO JUST DO SOMETHING SO WE DON’T DIE?!”

Dan sighed. “There’s that disproportionately high angry response, again!”

“GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Their presence missed by the bear, Elise, Ninja Dave, and Becky lounged against a counter and watched as the mother bear chased the bakery workers about.

Ninja Dave spoke up, “Still upset you don’t get to participate?”

Elise frowned. “I’ll grant that the obstacle courses I’m used to tend to involve less wild bears.”

Becky smiled and turned to Ninja Dave. “I’m just glad you’re still safe,” she said as she reached out and gave his hand a squeeze.

“OH, NINJA DAVEY! Pinkie called out. “I NEED ANOTHER COOKIE! I HAD TO THROW THE REST OF MY LAST ONE AT A BEAR!”

Ninja Dave sighed and walked off towards the bakery group. Members of the bakers began to break off from the group and scatter as the bear continued to chase down Dan, Chris, and Pinkie.

From high on their perch above the group Caspar and Melchior cackled as Balthazar watched with interest.

“See!” Caspar said as he motioned downward. “The bear worked out after all.”

“Good,” Melchior responded with a wicked grin peeking out from under the shadow of his cowl. “This group still continues to be of supreme interest.”

Balthazar frowned as he looked down. “You know there’s nothing to stop them or the bear from running up here…”

“Fear not,” Melchior said. “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my—”

A pink flash suddenly rushed by the three men. Dave followed, sprinting along with a cookie in his hand. Dan and Chris were last, continuing to argue back and forth.

“SERIOUSLY! JUST STOP AND TALK TO HER!” Dan cried.

“You know, with how you’ve been treating me, I’m not sure I want to!” Chris shot back.

“SHE’S GOING TO EAT YOU!” Dan shot back.

“I’m on good terms with her, thank you very much!”

Balthazar and Caspar looked down the steps at the rapidly approaching bear. They frowned and turned back to Melchior.

Melchior frowned. “Run! Just run, you fools!” he cried. With surprising speed, he rose from his chair and followed the group.

Balthazar and Caspar broke into a sprint in pursuit.

Caspar sneered as he rolled his eyes. “‘Fences to separate us from the rooms would just be a waste of money!’” he said in a mocking tone. “‘Why would we ever need a fence indoors?’”

“Alright already!” Balthazar snapped back as he ran along with Caspar. “I’ll try to be a little less stingy with the budget!”

Caspar grinned and nodded. “That’s all I ask… You know… in addition to not getting eaten by a bear, that is…”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 125 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Cupboards

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 125 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Cupboards

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 125 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Cupboards

-ooooooo-

“Is she still out there?” Pinkie whispered.

“Are we assuming the bear has the ability to just teleport away?!” Dan replied harshly, but quietly.

The pair sat huddled close together in a confined space. Dan peered through a thin crack of light, the only light that kept the area he and Pinkie were in from being completely dark.

“Well d’uuuh!” Pinkie replied. “I know there’s a bear still out there somewhere, but I mean… I thought it was pretty obvious that I was asking if the bear was, like… rightie-outsidie out there, out there…”

“I thought that was pretty clear, myself,” a masculine voice called out.

There was a brief silence.

“Alright, who the heck is that?!” Dan cried. “Is that one of the old guys?”

“… Maybe…” the voice replied.

Pinkie giggled. “It’s the one who’s named after a ghost!”

“That’s Casper you’re thinking of, Goofball!” Dan said in an annoyed tone. “Casparis one of the three magi!”

“… What’s a Magi…?” Pinkie asked.

A young man’s voice spoke up, “One of the three super computers that run NERV’s systems in Evangelion.”

Dan paused. “… Alright, first of all: NEERRRRRRD! Secondly, you’re dumb for saying that. Thirdly, Sarge, hit mouthy teen with your bell again!” Dan commanded.

“Wait,” Gibson said, “how do you know he’s even—”

“Sir, yes sir!”

‘THUD!’

‘RING!’

“OW!”

“Finally,” Dan continued, “Now that I know we seem to be in the clown car of cupboards, I need to ask who is touching my butt?”

Pinkie giggled. “Who do you think?”

“Just making sure,” Dan said.

“…On that note,” Gibson said, “I apologize to whoever’s butt I’m touching.”

Pinkie attempted to stifle a laugh and failed. “PFFFFFFFT—AHAHAHAHAHA, you’re apologizing to the butt?!”

“Huh? No, I meant—”

“That’s not my butt!” Amber huffed out.

“It’s not?” Gibson replied. “But it’s so soft and…” He paused. “Oh…” he said flatly. This was quickly followed by a fluctuating and happy-sounding “OoOoOoOoOh~…”

‘SMACK!’

“OW!” Gibson cried.

“Hrmph…” A grumpy, elderly voice called out. “Remind me to make some sort of ‘no groping’ policy for the cupboards…”

“Wait!” Dan cried. “There’s another old guy in here?! Are all the old guys in here?!”

A voice hissed out, “The darkness recognizess and welcomess one of itss own.”

“A simple ‘yes’ would have worked,” Dan replied.

“Your group is clever… trying to hide from our watchful eyes by hiding, but we see everything!”

“Oh don’t even start!” Dan cried. “I know you just rushed in here to get away from the bear too!”

Melchior paused briefly then continued, “ I must know, is the pink-haired one still eating cookies?”

“Eeeep…” Pinkie said in a worried tone.

“Wait!” Ninja Dave cried from within the darkness. “I’ve got her covered.”

“… You’re in here too?!” Dan cried.

“I was following you two ever since Pinkie yelled out she needed another cookie,” Dave explained as he crawled through the cupboard towards Pinkie.

“Is everyone in this stupid cupboard?!” Dan cried.

“Becky isn’t,” Ninja Dave informed as he handed Pinkie her cookie.

“Or Elise,” Chris added.

“Hey! Chris ol’ buddy!” Dan said in a happy tone. “How you doing?”

“Well, it’s a little cramped in here, but—”

“WHY THE HECK HAVEN’T YOU TALKED TO THE BEAR YET?!” Dan cried.

“Uh… considering how upset she was, I figured I’d give her time to calm down,” Chris replied.

“Why don’t you, oh I don’t know… just transform into a bear and take her out?!” Dan cried.

“I don’t know, why don’t you punch her through a window?!” Chris replied in an irritated tone.

“Because, we’re underground, nimrod!” Dan shot back.

“You know what I meant!” Chris replied.

“Look, I haven’t quite figured my powers out yet, but I know I can’t just turn them off and on!” Dan cried.

“Well it’s the same thing for me!” Chris replied. “I mean… If I somehow could just turn into a bear whenever I felt like it, don’t you think I’d do it more often with all the trouble you and I get into?!”

Dan paused and thought about this. “… You know what Chris? Shut up.”

Everyone went silent for a moment.

“… Omn… Swo!” Pinkie spoke up before she swallowed the bit of cookie in her mouth. “Anyone have anything interesting to talk about?”

“…”

Crunchy spoke up. “Has anyone really looked at darkness? I mean really looked at it?”

“…”

Melchior spoke up, “I have.”

Dan sighed heavily, “Can we have someone who doesn’t consider Cheetos a food group pick our topic?”

Wally spoke up, “… Is anyone here Native American or from India?”

“…”

“What the heck does that have to do with anything?!” Dan cried.

Wally sighed. “I wanted to make a joke about being stuck in a cupboard, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it work with the group we have…”

“…”

“Oh!” Chris exclaimed. He chuckled to himself. “I got it…”

Dan began to growl in irritation. “Grrrr… Anyone else have something we can talk about?!”

Amber spoke up, “…Can we can talk about how massive this cupboard is?”

“I know, right!” D.H. replied. “Talk about dimensional transcendence! There’s like… 13 people in here!”

“…”

“… You might say there’s a baker’s dozen!” Balthazar cried.

A series of groans and chuckles erupted in the cupboard.

“Puns aside, there seems to be an absurd amount of space in here forthe simple task of holding kitchen supplies,” Amber reasoned.

“I know, right!” Pinkie said excitedly. “Maybe we don’t ever have to leave and risk being eaten by a bear! We can start our own clan as cupboard people!”

“Well, we can’t just stay here forever,” Gibson said.

“That doesn’t sound like a positive attitude a member of the Cupboard Clan should have!” Pinkie replied.

“It’s just that while we’re sitting here in the pitch-black, we’re likely to be eaten by a grue…”

There was a beat of silence, followed by an annoyed Dan uttering, “What the heck are you even talking about, you weirdo?!”

“Seriously, no one got that?!” Gibson cried. “You guys are honestly making me miss my brother… he would have got it,” Gibson said sullenly.

Pinkie gasped. “Maybe he could join us in the cupboard!”

“Pretty sure my mom’s not going to let my brother come to a shadowy underground headquarters of a group that have people killed where there’s also an angry bear on the loose…” Gibson replied.

Pinkie paused. “I got it! We’ll tunnel our way out, then your brother could join us!”

Dan groaned. “Goofball, if we could tunnel our way out, why would we stay in the cupboard?”

“Well how else do you propose we get Gibson’s brother to join us in the cupboard?!”

“THAT’S NOT EVEN THE PROBLEM!” Dan cried. “BESIDES, everything around us seems to be made out of solid stone! HOW ARE WE GOING TO DIG OUT?!”

There was a beat of silence.

“I got it!” Pinkie cried. “We need a pickaxe, 10 pounds of onions, a straw, half a kumquat, and a really good blender!”

“… Right, I’m not going to ask why because it doesn’t matter… We’re stuck in a cupboard!” Dan cried. “How are we going to get all this stuff?! Don’t tell me you have it all in your hair!”

Pinkie sighed. “I wish! I mean… who has the foresight to keep half a kumquat on them?!”

Dan paused. “… Wait, so you have…”

“I keep half a kumquat on me!” Caspar spoke up.

“… What?” Dan asked flatly.

“Awesome!” Pinkie cried. “How many onions do you have?”

Caspar sighed. “Just the three…”

“That’s too bad,” Pinkie said. “We’re a few pounds short, still… Guess we’ll have to go to the store…”

“Still stuck in a cupboard,” Dan reminded.

“Well, what do you think I need the onions for?!” Pinkie shot back. “We’ll just have to go out and figure some other way to get the onions!”

Dan sighed. “So when I say, ‘stuck in the cupboard’, what do you hear?”

“WAIT! I THINK WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK,” Pinkie cried excitedly. “We just need to pick up some mason jars to fill with maple syrup!”

“GAH!” Dan cried angrily. “WHAT PART ABOUT BEING STUCK IN A CUPBOARD DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!?”

“Wait! Hear me out!” Pinkie said. “Now, first we go to the pet store, and—”

 “GRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

-o~ Much arguing later ~o-

“… HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT!?” Dan cried. “‘Because we’d be out of the cupboard!’”

“Ooooo….” Pinkie uttered. “Ooooooooo…”

“…”

“…So anyways,” Pinkie said, “we use the plunger we just acquired from the supply closet to barter for the prerequisite onions we need…”

“THAT’S IT!” Dan cried. “I’m feeding myself to the bear!”

“NO DAN!” Pinkie cried. “IF YOU DIE, WHO WILL CARRY THE TOTE BAG FULL OF HUMMUS?!”

“Speaking of the bear,” Chris said, “has anybody noticed she hasn’t tried to break into the cupboards despite all of Dan’s yelling?”

“I noticed,” Wally said, “but I didn’t say anything because I’ve already gotten enough flack for bringing up the bear today.”

Dan spoke up, “I vote we send Wally out to check on the bear!”

“See, this is exactly why I didn’t bring up the bear!” Wally said.

Without warning, light began to flow into the darkness as one of the cupboard doors began to slowly open.

Pinkie gasped. “New citizens!” she cried excitedly.

“SHHHHHHHHHHHH!” The group shushed out.

“What the heck are you guys doing?” Elise asked as she looked into the cupboard.

“Elise!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You can join the Cupboard Clan!” she said excitedly.

“Cupboard clan?” Becky asked from behind Elise.

“Becky too!” Pinkie said.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Goofball, I don’t think we’re going to establish some sort of society of people who live in a cupboard.”

“Well not with that attitude, we’re not!”

“Beautiful,” Chris exclaimed, “you must have subdued the bear and came to rescue us!”

“If by ‘subdued the bear’ you mean ‘Hung out with Becky in an out of the way place in this huge underground complex until the bear got sleepy and decided to take a nap with its cubs’, then yes, that’s exactly what I did.”

Elise motioned out and up as everyone began to crawl out of the cupboard into the kitchen area that was littered with mixing bowls, spatulas of various types, and other baking tools.

The group looked up at where Elise had motioned out to.

“HAH!” Dan exclaimed derisively. “I guess the bears run this place now.”

“Oh, poo…” Caspar uttered.

“Well that was unexpected,” Balthazar added.

“No!” Melchior half cried, half croaked out. “Noo! Nooo! Nooo! Nooooo!”

Caspar and Balthazar narrowed their eyes and turned towards Melchior.

“What?!” Melchior said in a gravelly voice.

Caspar folded his arms in front of his chest. “Must you throw a tantrum every time things don’t go your way?”

Melchior raised a withered hand and pointed an index finger at Caspar. “You are in no position to judge! You whine whenever the kitchen runs out of chocolate milk!”

“Well, we’re an organization built around the foodservice industry, are we not?” Caspar said as he rolled his palm upwards. “How difficult is it to keep a kitchen stocked with a single item?”

“Enough!” Balthazar barked out. “We’ll just have to get the bears away from our chairs…”

High above the group, the mother bear and her cubs slept curled up together on the highest platform in front of the chairs the three men had been sitting on prior.

Dan chuckled to himself. “I think you three got what you deserved!”

The three men turned and glowered at him.

Melchior spoke up, “We’re leaders of a dark group where deadly force is often times expected to be carried out by its members! Were you expecting things to be easy and free of peril?”

Dan motioned to Pinkie. “I just want to make it so my girlfriend and I can eat out at restaurants without fear of her being killed by the kitchen staff! You’re lucky I didn’t just swear vengeance on this place and try to take it out.”

Chris nodded in agreement. “You really are.”

Melchior raised an index finger at Chris. “You there, the tall one. Go talk to the bears and ask them to leave.”

“… Does this count as passing the test?” Chris asked.

Balthazar nodded. “Absolutely.”

“What?!” Dan cried. “We can just walk to the other room at this point! Leave the stupid bears up there!”

Chris turned to Dan. “You know the bears could wake up and start wandering around. I mean… you saw some of the other testing rooms. I don’t think we want to have to worry about random bear attacks on top of everything else.”

Dan raised a hand and began flapping his fingers up and down with a goofy expression on his face. “Manaha, manahah… My name is Chris and I can talk to bears, but only when I’m not being a big, whiny ba—OW!”

Pinkie retracted the hand she had just used to swat the back of Dan’s head with. She looked at Chris and smiled. “Chris, we’d all very much appreciate it if you would ask the bears to leave. Omn…”

Chris smiled. “Sure Pinkie.” He turned to the three men. “Uh… Where should I direct them?”

Sarge suddenly stepped forward. “Oh! I know of the perfect place!”

Chris smiled. “Well, lead the way.” He and Sarge walked off towards the raised platform.

Dan rubbed the back of his head and turned to Pinkie. “Why’d you hit me?” he asked Pinkie in an irritated tone.

Pinkie shot Dan a sideways smirk. “‘Cause you were being a butt!”

“I thought you liked my butt!” Dan replied.

Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “I do, but I meant… I… uhhh… I mean… I don’t think I want you to be… erm…a butt… but…butt? Butts…? ” Pinkie simply trailed off as she stared vacantly into open space.

“Uh, boss man?” Crunchy said. “I think you broke her...”

Amber walked up and examined Pinkie carefully. “Wow, she’s like... really out of it!” She moved a finger back and forth in front of Pinkie’s face. “I’m not sure she’s even aware of her surroundings anymore!”

“Dan!” Elise said in an irritated voice.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “What?! I barely did anything!” Dan cried as he motioned to himself. “Are you really blaming me just because Pinkie is so easy to confuse?!”

“Confused is one thing,” Elise replied, “but Pinkie looks like she just slipped into a coma standing up!”

“Oh, keep your shirt on! She just can’t wrap her mind around the joy she has at touching my butt with the disdain she has at me being a metaphorical butt. Personally, I think it’s simply that the word ‘metaphysical’ trips her up.”

Elise scrunched her lips up to one side of her face. “Well… can you get her out of it?”

“Of course!” Dan cried. He pulled his hand back and gave Pinkie’s rear end a hard swat.

Pinkie’s eyes widened as she let out a small squeak and she jumped slightly. “What happened?!” she cried as she rubbed her posterior. “Where’d I go just now!?” Pinkie frowned. “Wherever it was, it was crowded and full of butts… kinda like being stuck in a full bus, except everyone’s twerking.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow slightly. “I presented you with some sort of butt conundrum and your brain couldn’t process it so you went into a catatonic state.”

“Not a buttnundrum!” Pinkie cried. “Boy are my cheeks red… You know how that assassinates my thinking ability.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Did you just—”

Pinkie continued, “What I’m saying is that my brain tends to get the tail end of that bum deal and gets left far behind to sit upon its keister.”

Balthazar and Caspar broke into a hysterical fit of laughter.

Dan scowled at Pinkie. “Finished?” he asked.

Pinkie grinned. “I think I just hit the end of my list. Omn…”

Dan groaned as the laughter increased.

“Are we done talking about butts?” Wally asked. “I think we’ve all heard more talk about butts in one day than we usually do in an entire month…”

“Not me!” D.H. said happily.

Everyone paused and stared at her.

“Ooookay…” Dan uttered. “Moving right along…”

Balthazar’s voice rang up from high above the group. “Congratulations on completing the dreaded bear test!”

Everyone looked up.

“Huh, they got up there fast…” Becky muttered out.

“What the heck was that test even for?!” Dan cried. “What does sneaking past bears have to do with working at a bakery?!”

Balthazar smiled. “How you dealt with the bear demonstrated us your ability to assess and properly deal with a particularly unruly and difficult customer.”

The group stared up blankly at Balthazar for a moment.

Dan replied, “… I don’t think sitting around and arguing until we get chased into a cupboard demonstrated any of that, but okay.”

Chris and Sarge began to walk back down into the kitchen area.

“Well, I think I did pretty well,” Chris declared.

“There you are!” Dan cried. “We’ve been waiting for you for hours, or whatever!”

“Dan!” Chris replied. “I was only gone a few minutes.”

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “Hence why I said, ‘or whatever’.”

“Uh, do you all need a moment?” Balthazar asked.

“That depends, are we done with animals?” Dan cried in an irritated tone.

Balthazar nodded. “No more wild animals for the tests.”

“We better be!” Dan cried. “Fine, what’s the next potentially deadly test that barely has any relevance to running a bakery?”

Pinkie chuckled. “Hehehe… barely…”

Dan wheeled on her and pointed an angry index finger at her. “Don’t even start!”

Balthazar stroked his beard. “Well, it’s usually left as a surprise that everyone has to overcome when they get through that last room…” He looked down and smiled. “But I’ll admit our time together has left me feeling a bit closer to this group than most others... Maybe it was all that time stuck in a cupboard together…”

“Cupboard buddies!” Pinkie said happily.

Balthazar continued. “Your next test will check your team’s endurance and dexterity as they carry baked goods through a simple obstacle course.”

The group let out a series of relieved sounding exhales.

Dan frowned. “And by ‘simple obstacle course’ do you mean the room with all the spikes and fire and such?”

Balthazar nodded. “Yes, I do.”

The group’s relaxed state quickly turned to vapor and dissipated as the realization of the danger they were still in evaporated.

Dan smacked a hand against his face. “Oooooh, good,” he said sarcastically.

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 126 D.H. Vs. Obstacle Course

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 126 D.H. Vs. Obstacle Course

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 126 D.H. Vs. Obstacle Course

-ooooooo-

Dan and Pinkie peered down a corridor that went down and around the sides of the large, cavernous underground area the group was in. A pair of large, circular saw blades were the first pair of obstacles down the passage, the blades being pushed by metal arms that spun them from their centers as they emerged from narrow slits in the walls. They spun rapidly as they slid into the open hallway. Next, a set of flame jets shot from the ceiling, then the walls, then the floor all a few moments apart from each  other in a rhythm. After that, two sets of large spiked metal pistons shot forth from the walls and collide before retracting again. After that, part of the floor appeared to be missing, forcing anyone who traveled through the route to leap over a hole in the ground where the tips of long, metal spikes glinted as they shot up from the darkness below.

The two continued to squint down what appeared to be a lengthy walk of death and dismemberment, noticing sets of the obstacles repeating as far as they could see.

Dan looked up at the trio of men high above the group. “Are you serious!? You’re going to make us walk through this!?”

Balthazar nodded. “Yes, while carrying a tray of your baked goods!”

“There are people here who can’t even do that if nothing is going on around them! A group of limbless chimpanzees has a better chance of getting through this than our entire group!”

“Duuuuuude,” Crunchy uttered. “That image is totally harshing the vibe.”

Pinkie sighed as she slumped her shoulders. “What’s worse is that’s not even close to the saddest thing Dan has come up with.”

Balthazar folded his arms across his chest. “I’m sorry, but that’s the test.”

Dan glared up at Balthazar before he looked back at Pinkie. “… Do I still get to paint your nails if most everyone lives?” he asked as he motioned out to the deadly medley of devices that lined the way.

“Pretty sure I’m going to be beside myself with grief if someone dies while trying to help me,” Pinkie replied. “Omn…”

“Well, you have twenty digits total… what if we split it up based on how many people survive?”

“Dan! No!” Pinkie cried.

Dan sighed and turned back to the group briefly before turning back to Pinkie. “But many of our friends are ridiculously clumsy—”

“And how!” D.H. cried.

Dan continued, “—and  the rest are lucky they aren’t dead yet! Like mouthy teen over there! Especially mouthyteen!”

“Oh, come on!” Gibson cried. “I have a family that loves and cares about me! Can’t you maybe humor the idea of me living through this for their sake?!”

Dan scowled at Gibson and turned to Pinkie. “Now he’s flaunting the fact that he has a family that loves and cares about him! Are you sure I have to make sure he lives?”

“Yes, Dan! Everybody!”

“But—”

“Ev-ree-bu-dee!” Pinkie stressed.

Dan folded his arms looked away and grumbled irritably to himself.

“I’m not sure what the big deal is,” Elise said. “This looks pretty tame… I don’t even think anyone would have to do any back-flips or anything to get through this.”

Sarge nodded in agreement. “Just like the obstacle courses back in Salvation Armed Forces camp… except with more fire and a much higher chance of being crushed to death.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, terrific, thanks… I’m sure it’ll be no problem for all the people with two left feet in this group.” He turned and looked at D.H., who was staring down the course intently.

“And just what the heck are you looking at?!” Dan demanded.

D.H. grinned as she looked at Dan with her crooked eyes. “Everything!” she answered.

Dan rolled his eyes as Pinkie broke into laughter.

While a few group members remained relatively relaxed and at ease despite the idea that they’d soon be traipsing through a hallway through of dangerous and deadly looking items, many more still seemed tense and uncomfortable with the idea.

“You guys will be fine!” Elise insisted.

“Uh… honey? Most of us aren’t as quite as agile as you…”

“Don’t worry!” Elise said as she placed a hand on Chris’s shoulder. “You’ve got this!”

“You know, I don’t think I do…” Chris replied.

Elise smiled. “Come on! You hang out with Dan all the time and you hardly get hospitalized at all!”

“Compared to what?!” Chris cried.

“Dan’s victims!” Elise said with a grin.

“Well, that’s true, but we’ve never had to go through some sort of deadly obstacle course!” Chris paused and added, “On foot, that is…”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, they don’t mess around at the DMV…”

Pinkie spoke up. “You know, I just kind of consider life with Dan a deadly obstacle course!” Pinkie smiled and placed an arm on Chris’s free shoulder, motioning out to the hallway with her other hand. “Just think of this hallway of death as a metaphor for life with Dan! Omn…”

“Uh… what?” Chris replied in confusion.

Pinkie continued, “The deadly saws represent all the times Dan tries to bite you, the flame jets represents being caught in a building that Dan unexpectedly set fire to, and the pits of spike represents a dumpster full of medical waste you have to avoid falling into as you scale the walls of a hospital!”

Chris frowned. “Well, what about the crushing pistons?”

“Oh! Those are just regular traffic accidents! I mean… do you know how many people die each year from a simple car crash?! It’s crazy!”

“Alright, well now I’m just scared of life in general…” Chris uttered.

Amber looked out into the obstacle course. “Yeah… I’m not feeling this whole journey through spikey, fiery death hallway either…”

Dan sighed. “Geez, you are such a downer nowadays! You actually make me miss old, fake-happy Amber!”

Amber scowled at Dan. “Well, I wasn’t in near-constant danger for my life back then!”

“Yeah,” Wally spoke up, “I’m not too enthused about this whole situation either…”

“Oh, the second half of the misery pair is upset?” Dan cried. “Color me ssssssssssshhhhhhocked!”

“Oooh!” Caspar said from high above the group as he watched with the other two council members of NARF. “That sounds like an interesting color…”

“I know!” Pinkie cried enthusiastically. “I’ll sing a song about making it through the deadly obstacle course! That’ll lift everyone’s spirits.”

Amber spoke up, “Assuming no one becomes a spirit…”

Crunchy smiled. “I bet some tunes would really help the group’s vibe.”

Dan frowned. “I think I would rather just fling myself into the saws, thank—”

Pinkie suddenly broke into song.

“Oooo, when you’re jumping past those saws,

And avoiding those crushy things and their spiky jaws,

Just sing yourself a happy tune,

And it will scare away the gloom!

Sure that fire is very hot

And if you miss a step it’s a painful drop!

But if you just sing away your woes,

I’m sure you won’t lose any toes!

‘Cause, Life’s a journey of peril and pain!

So, just sing and dance when you’re feeling the strain!

When all you see are skies that are gray,

Just trick yourself into thinking everything’s okay!”

Dan scowled at Pinkie. “Going to fling myself to my death, no—”

Pinkie zipped up to Wally and smiled wide. “Now you try it!”

Wally frowned. “You want me to sing?”

Pinkie nodded. “While you go through the obstacle course!”

“But I don’t even have a tray of cupcakes, or anything…” Wally said.

Crunchy walked up with a tray loaded with baked goods. “Gotcha covered, other boss man.”

Wally grabbed the tray and looked down at it in dismay. “Swell…” he uttered.

Pinkie beamed wide. “Start singing~!” she sung out.

‘Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz…’

Wally apprehensively looked up at the saws spinning in front of him.  “Uh…when you’re jumping past those saws…” He waited for the saws to retract then jumped past them. “And avoiding those crushy things and their…” Wally frowned. “The ‘crushy things’ aren’t next. It’s the flame jets…” he said, trailing off as a jet of fire shot from the ceiling.

Pinkie smiled. “It’s fine! Just go with the flow of the music!”

“Uh… alright…” Wally continued singing as he edged forward. “… spiky jaws,”

He stared at the fire as the different jets fired off in rhythm, he took another half-step forward. “Just sing yourself a…”

There was a brief spark from one of the flame jet nozzles.

‘FWOOOOOSH!’

The ceiling jet fired off right in front of Wally’s face.

“…And there go my eyebrows… and the cupcakes,” he said as a waft of black smoke drifted up from his singed eyebrows and the now very burnt baked goods on his tray.

Pinkie frowned. “I think you were just a bit off key….”

“Well… I don’t do much singing,” Wally admitted sheepishly as he pulled off his glasses and gave them a wipe down with his handkerchief.

“I’ll go next!” D.H. cried happily as she walked up with a tray.

Dan sighed heavily. “So much for me getting to paint Pinkie’s nails.”

“Uh, Dan?” Chris said. “That also means D.H. would die and leave a widower and motherless child.”

Dan scowled at Chris and folded his arms across his chest. “Sounds to me like someone has their priorities screwed up!”

‘Buzzzzzzzzzzz…’

“Whhhaaaa…!”

‘SPLAT!’

The group looked on as D.H. tripped, flinging cupcakes all over the saws as she landed face first on the solid stone ground. The cupcakes seemed to explode on the blades, flinging frosting and bits of cupcakes everywhere.

Dan wiped frosting from off his face. “If you were going to make a mess, couldn’t you at least have died in process so you don’t get the chance to do it again!?”

Pinkie turned to Dan puffed out her lower lip. She whimpered softly.

“What?!” Dan cried. “Do you really think she’s going to make it through all of that?!” He motioned down the obstacle course.

“Wow…” Ninja Dave uttered as he stood off a bit from the group. “She didn’t even make it to the first obstacle.”

D.H. picked herself off the ground as she rubbed her forehead. “I just don’t know what—”

‘BuzzzzzzzzzzzZChzchzchzchzchzch…’

Sparks began to fly from the saws arms as they retracted the blades. The spinning slowed as the arms reached the walls. Small wafts of acrid smoke drifted up as the blades and arms stopped entirely.

“Huh… well that was fortunate,” Becky muttered.

Dan blew a dismissive gust of air. “Pffft… So she klutzed her way into taking out the first obstacle! She’s still going to be crispy-style as soon as she hits the flames!”

“Oh my gosh, Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You can’t just talk about your friends that way!”

“Well, it’s true!” Dan insisted as he motioned out to D.H. “Even without the hallway of painful death, you know she’s a statistic waiting to happen!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine!” D.H. insisted.

“Maybe I should help you get across,” Pinkie suggested.

Dan’s eyes went wide. “WHAT?! Pinkie, I know you’re out of your mind, but that’s crazy even for you! …And that’s saying something…”

“I don’t want anything bad to happen to her!” Pinkie cried as he motioned out to D.H.

“Yeah, well I don’t want anything bad to happen to you!”

Pinkie smiled at Dan. “Don’t worry! This looks like a cinch! I’ll get her across easy-peasy!”

“But… your safety!” Dan cried. “I mean… painting your nails is going to be far less fun if your digits aren’t attached to your body!”

“I’m sure I’ll have all my fingers and toesies by the end of this!” Pinkie said. “I just need to make sure everyone gets across okay.”

Dan scowled at Pinkie. “You’re still the most selfish person I’ve ever met!” he cried.

“What do I do?” Wally called from in front of the flame jets.

“You stand there and think about what you’ve done, mister!” Pinkie snapped.

“Uhh… and that is?” Wally asked.

“Murder!” Pinkie said sternly.

Wally furrowed his brow. “I haven’t killed anyone…” He paused and quietly added, “… that you know of,” under his breath.

“You murdered that tune!” Pinkie cried. “Omn…”

Wally frowned. “Will you help me across later, at least?”

“Maybe if you’re good!” Pinkie replied. She turned to D.H. and held out an outstretched hand.  “Let’s go!”

D.H. smiled and grabbed ahold of Pinkie’s hand.

“Oh, wait!” D.H. cried. “I need another tray!”

“Got ya covered, brah!” Crunchy said as he placed another prepared tray in D.H.’s hand.

Pinkie and D.H. smiled at each other and began singing.

“Oooo, when you’re jumping past those saws,”

“And avoiding those crushy things and their spiky jaws,”

“Just sing yourself a happy tune…”

From the safety of outside the obstacle course, Ninja Dave turned to Becky. “Pretty wild, huh?”

Becky nodded and smiled. “I’m just happy you get to stay out of harm’s way.”

“I need another cookie!” Pinkie called out. “I got scared at a flame jet and threw my old one at it, and now it’s all burnt and ashy!”

“And I need a new tray of cupcakes and muffins!” D.H. added. “I tripped again!”

Becky and Dave turned towards the obstacle course with perturbed looks on their faces.

Ninja Dave spoke up, “You just had to tempt fate!”

“I’m sorry,” Becky said. “I really should have learned from the last time…”

Ninja Dave begrudgingly walked over towards the entrance of the obstacle course.

Dan erupted into angry shouting as he walked past the broken saws and up to Pinkie, D.H., and Wally, “I THOUGHT THE WHOLE POINT OF YOUR STUPID SONG WAS SO THAT YOU DIDN’T GET SCARED!”

“Sorry!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It’s just that the flame jets are a lot scarier in person… er… flame-jetson!”

Ninja Dave and Crunchy made their way past the broken saws, carrying a Tupperware container full of cookies and a fresh tray of baked goods respectively. Dave handed Pinkie another cookie. “Be careful with these, we’re starting to get low.”

Crunchy sniffed the air and crinkled his brow slightly. “Hey, does anyone else smell something strange?” he asked.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Crunchy. “You mean besides burnt muffins and shame!?”

Wally sniffed the air. “Oh, that can’t be good.”

Dave sniffed the air too. “It smells like the gas the flame jets use…”

The group looked over to the flame jets, where it appeared the nozzle for each had been perfectly blocked by a singed cupcake or muffin.

“Oh… well that’s convenient!” Pinkie said.

“Sure!” Dan said. “Assuming those burnt baked goods stay in place…”

Dave sighed heavily. “Why’d you have to go and say that…”

The group watched with almost panicked expressions as one of the muffins began to crumble away from the nozzle.

“EVERYONE GET BEHIND SOMETHING BIG AND SOLID!” Pinkie cried.

Everyone quickly dove behind Wally.

“Hey!” Wally protested as he turned to face the group that huddled around him, using him as a human blast shield. “That’s just unki—”

‘FWOOOOOOOSSSSHCHCHCHC!’

Fire suddenly exploded out from the area behind Wally, quickly engulfing the area and flames and dissipating in one blazing hot, flickering bright instance.

Wally frowned heavily as smoke wafted up from his backside. “I am hurt on quite a number of levels…” he uttered.

Ninja Dave turned to Dan. “You just had to tempt fate!”

Dan scowled back at Dave. “Well how was I supposed to know fate was listening?!”

“FATE IS ALWAYS LISTENING!” Dave cried.

Pinkie Pie poked her pink curly hair peaked head out past Wally’s portly pudge and pointed at the flame jet nozzles. “Ooooo! They’re all melty now!”

Crunchy sniffed the air. “And the there’s no more gas!”

Wally spoke up. “Uh… I don’t mean to be a bother, but I don’t suppose anyone has a spare set of clothes I could borrow… The backside of what I’m wearing is kind of burnt to a crisp.”

The group quickly looked amongst themselves.

Dan looked up at Wally. “Yeah, even if we did, none of us are that fat.”

“Hey!” Wally protested.

Pinkie Pie giggled. “You’re a pudgy porker of a portly proprietor, alright!”

Wally sighed heavily and muttered under his breath, “I’m going to lace your next paychecks with C4…”

“What?” Dan and Pinkie said simultaneously.

“Nothing…” Wally said.

“You there,” Melchior cried, “the tubby one!”

“NOT YOU TOO!” Wally cried.

“Yess,” Melchior hissed out, “me too… I demand you cover yourself at once! Your burnt back flab is making me nauseous!”

“But no one has anything that’ll fit me!”

Melchior frowned. “Well, I suppose I have some robes that would at least cover you up… Might be a tight fit…”

Wally leaned his head back and peered at his singed backside. “Well, beggars can’t be choosers.”

“Great!” Pinkie cried. “While Wally wraps his wiggly-jiggly self—”

Wally sighed heavily.

“—we can continue walking down the hallway of woe!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

D.H. grabbed the tray from Crunchy as she and Pinkie walked off towards the spiky pistons.

The two approached within a few feet of the space where the heavy metal objects met. The pistons each made a hissing noise followed by a loud crunch as they collided.

‘PSSSSSSSHHHCRRRRRCHHHH…’

“Be careful… be careful…” Pinkie uttered. “We have to time it just right…”

D.H. smiled. “Oh, it’ll be fine so long as I don’t trip—WHAAAA!”

“OH, COME ON!” Ninja Dave cried.

Dan looked on in surprise. “Even I’m amazed she tripped while standing still.”

‘PSSSSSSSHHHCRRRRRCHHHH…’

Pinkie quickly reached out and grabbed D.H., pulling her back before the spiked pistons could close on her and crush her flat. As D.H. was yanked back, she pivoted her body, and ‘smack’ed one of the large metal cylinders with the side of her rear hard. The large metal item shook with the impact.

Pinkie gave D.H. a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

D.H. turned and looked at the cylinders with wide eyes. “Yeah Pinkie, I just don’t know what—”

‘CHHHHHCHHHHCHHHHCHHHHHH…’

D.H. and Pinkie paused as the usual smooth action of the cylinder returning to its position in the wall was replaced by a laborious stop-and-go trip as the sound of metal grinding on metal was heard.  Halfway to the wall, the cylinder stopped as acrid smelling smoke began to seep out from the wall.

“Whoops!” D.H. said. “My bad…”

Pinkie pointed at the now motionless cylinder. “Did you just break that with your butt?!”

“Uhhh… maybe?” D.H. offered as she too stared at now half broken trap.

‘PSSSSSSSSSHHH…’

Pinkie and D.H. leapt back as the other cylinder shot forward from its position.

“Quick,” Pinkie cried, “try hitting this one with your butt!”

“Like this?” D.H. asked as she shifted her hips and hit her posterior against the other cylinder with a loud ‘smack!’  Much like its counterpart across from it, the metal piston vibrated from the impact, it too made a sound like metal grinding on metal as it attempt to retract and soon stopped entirely as smoke poured from the mechanics that moved the heavy object back and forth.

‘CHHHHHCHHHHCHHHHCHHHHHH…’

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as she looked over the two damaged pistons. “How are you even doing that?!” she cried.

“Maybe there’s something about the consistency and structure of my rear-end that vibrates at just the right frequency so that it sends an unexpectedly powerful reverberation through the device and misaligns the gears or other mechanical pieces that drive it!”

Pinkie gave D.H. a blank stare.

D.H. sighed heavily. “I bet my butt is somehow really hard and solid like it’s made out of iron, or something, and that’s how it breaks things…”

“Oooooooo!” Pinkie exclaimed. “That makes so much sense!” She gasped as her eyes flew open wide. “That’s it!” Pinkie cried as she turned back to the group. “That’s how we’re going to get through the obstacle course! We’re going to break stuff with D.H.’s butt and have her fling cupcakes at everything!”

“Hurray!” D.H. cried. “I’m useful!”

“…What about the deep, dark pits full of spikes?” Gibson called out.

Pinkie paused and thought about this. “… Don’t fall into the pits, guys!” she said.

The rest of the group cautiously walked into the obstacle course, ducking and shimmying past broken traps as they made their way through the hallway.

“Well, that’s new…” Caspar said. “No one’s thought to break the obstacle course as they go through it…”

Balthazar sighed heavily. “Do you two have any idea how much it’s going to cost to fix this whole thing?!” he asked as he motioned out to the group.

A malicious-looking grin spread across Melchior’s face. “It matters not…”

Balthazar shot Melchior a glare. “Easy for you to say, you don’t have to balance the local chapter’s budget…”

Melchior ignored him. “This group is very clever. I wonder how they fair against the next challenge…” he said in a sinister sing-song tone. “They’ve done well, but the final task has broken even the strongest of groups.”  Melchior broke into a gravely, harsh sounding laugh. “HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa…”

From below, Pinkie joined in. “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Melchior stopped and looked down at Pinkie. “No, stop that!” he commanded as he pointed a withered index finger at her. “You’re not allowed to laugh evilly!”

“But—!” Pinkie began to protest.

Melchior shot Pinkie a stern glare, or at least, that’s what Pinkie assumed as she looked up at his hooded face.

Pinkie sighed. “Fiiiine…!”

Melchior resumed he laughter. “HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa—”

“Can I have that robe now?”

Melchior looked up at Wally, his lips tightened in annoyance. “Couldn’t you have waited just a little bit longer?”

“Sorry, just feeling a little exposed is all…”

“Fine, fine…” Melchior uttered as he begrudgingly got up from his chair. “But you have to embrace the darkness…”

Wally frowned. “That sounds like an awful big commitment for some robes to cover myself up.”

“Can you at least hold hands with the darkness?” Melchior asked.

Wally thought about this. “Alright, sure…”

“Good, gooood… heheheheheheAHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa…”

Wally paused and began laughing as well. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA—”

Melchior scowled at him. “No! Stop laughing! Only I get to laugh maniacally!”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 127 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Rush

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 127 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Rush

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 127 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Rush

-ooooooo-

A massive, metal pendulum with razor sharp edges vibrated rapidly as the gears and mechanisms that worked it from the ceiling gave off a high pitched squeal followed by the sound of metal grinding on metal.

‘EEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHCHCHCHC…’

The back and forth motion of the dangerous items began to slow, eventually stopping altogether. The blade pointed downward but still vibrated violently. The metal device that worked the pendulum continued to emit a squeal as well as the grinding noise, as if protesting this development. With a mechanical sounding hiss, the pendulum suddenly fell to the stone floor, its sharp edge cutting into the stone, causing the now-detached blade and long metal arm that formerly held it to stand upright.

Dan and Pinkie stepped around thebroken trap and back out into the gigantic, open chamber of the underground HQ of N.A.R.F. The rest of their group followed.

“Hey! Old guys!” Dan called out. A wicked smile spread itself across his face. “We made it through your stupid obstacle course.” He smiled. “And by that, I mean we destroyed it.”

From beside him, Pinkie spoke up, “To be fair, it was pretty much entirely D.H. who destroyed it. We just sort of followed along as her clumsiness and iron butt took out everything. Omn…”

“Uhhh… Yay?” D.H. said in an unsure tone.

“Details, details,” Dan said as he waved a hand about dismissively. “The important thing is we’re awesome and their stuff is wrecked.” He looked back up at the trio of men. “Are we members of your little club yet?”

“Patience,” Balthazar said. “You’ve all done remarkably well, for the most part…”

Dan narrowed his and turned back into the group. “Way to weigh us down, Chris!”

Gibson pumped his fist and exclaimed a quiet but triumphant sounding “Yes!”

“Me?!” Chris exclaimed as he motioned to himself. “I thought you were picking on Gibson, and then Amber, and then maybe Wally!”

Amber scowled at Chris as Wally, now dressed in very tight-fitting black robes, sighed.

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “Yeah, but you’ve been getting a little too comfortable now that you’re no longer ‘The Chris’. I’ve got to keep you on your toes, otherwise you might go soft.”

Chris spoke in a tone as if he was trying to defend himself, then quickly lost steam as he continued speaking. “Yeah well… I… alright… okay…”

“Still!” Dan continued as he stared up at the council members of N.A.R.F. “This is taking forever! This is all time I could be using to spend with the people in my life I love! Like TV, or Mr. Mumbles… or even Pinkie Pie!”

“Awwwww!” Pinkie replied. She leaned down and planted a quick peck on Dan’s cheek. “You’re so sweet!”

Dan smiled. “I am pretty great, aren’t I?”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re not the littlest bit perturbed you were last on that list?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Well, we have spent pretty much the entire day together still! Think how lonely Mr. Mumbles and TV must feel!”

“Uh… alright…” Elise replied.

Chris sighed. “At least she was worth mentioning…”

Elise, Becky, and Ninja Dave all turned and looked at Chris in surprise.

“Whoa,” Becky spoke up, “are you actually jealous?”

“… Maybe…” Chris uttered.

“That’s so cute!” Elise said. “A bit disturbing considering it’s Dan we’re talking about, but cute!”

“Speaking of this taking a while,  it is getting rather late…” Gibson said in a worried tone as he looked at his phone. “If it gets much later we’ll be past my mom getting upset with me and onto her launching a search expedition to find me…”

-ooo-

A thin-framed man with spiky black hair and a big bushy mustache typed away at a laptop. He wore a black leather jacket with metal spikes on the shoulders over a plain white tank top. A pair of chrome-framed goggles were wrapped tightly around his forehead.

“Come on, Chip!” Love Tap cried as she rested a hand covered by a fingerless leather glove on the man’s shoulder, taking care to avoid the spikes. “Hack that site!”

The man called ‘Chip’ frowned as he looked up at Love Tap. Love Tap’s gloves were full-length and held in place with a small belt at both the wrist and the top, which ended halfway up Love Tap’s forearm. A skin-tight leather outfit that also looked to be held in place with belts hugged her torso, and a pair of skin-tight leather pants went down from her waist to a pair of black, platform boots. The red headband that usually held her ponytail in place was instead replaced by a set of neon-colored bands.

“I’m not sure if seeing if we can check our son’s GPS details through our cell phone provider counts as ‘hacking’, Ela—”

“Call me ‘Love Tap’ when we’re working on a case, darling.”

Chip rolled his eyes. “Alright, ‘Love Tap’,” he said in a slightly sarcastic-sounding tone. “I still don’t think anything we’re doing constitutes as hacking…”

“But… we’re wearing cyber-punk gear!” Love Tap cried. “How can we not be hacking?”

Chip raised an eyebrow. “How are you doing any hacking? You’re not even on a computer!”

“Hey!” Love Tap protested as she raised her smartphone. “I’ve been using myadvanced communication device here to try to reach Gibson!”

“I don’t think leaving irate and or distressed-sounding voice messages counts!”

“And texting!” Love Tap added. “I’ve been texting, too! Also, using this highly advanced interface to defend our base.”

Chip shot Love Tap a sideways glance. “Playing Radiant Defense doesn’t count as hacking either. And how is that helping us get ahold of Gibson?”

Love Tap frowned. “Sorry, it’s highly addicting.”

“I’m not sure what you’re worried about. You would stay out late when you were his age too,” Chip pointed out. “And you got into way worse situations than anything Gibson is capable of.”

“You mean, ‘we’!” Love Tap said. “We would stay out late…”

Chip nodded. “Only because you dragged me along for everything!”

“What?!” Love Tap protested. “We had fun!”

“When we weren’t hiding from our parents or the police, you mean…”

Love Tap smiled and stared off into space. “Awwww, good times…” she said wistfully.

Chip sighed and shook his head. “Honey, he called you and said he’d be late for a ‘work thing’. I’m sure he’s fine!”

Love Tap scowled at her husband. “The last time he was late for a ‘work thing’,”—Love Tap air quoted— “he was taking bets on an impromptu street-fighter brawl between a female co-worker and a girl who had walked in to settle a dispute with an entirely different female co-worker!”

Chip folded his arms across his chest. “And then you ended up fighting that girl. You knocked her out if memory serves.”

“Well, it was getting late and no one had had dinner yet!” Love Tap cried.

“Mom?” an unsure voice called out. “What’s going on?”

Love Tapped turned to a set of stairs where her young son stood rubbing his eyes. He wore a black raglan with blue arms that read ‘MINECRAFT’ above a rectangular green creature with a hollow look on its face. A black pair of pants with a skull and crossbones pattern hung loosely from his waist.

“Nothing Button, go back to bed,” Love Tap said.

“Are you two hacking right now?” Button asked.

Chip sighed. “No Button, we’re not hacking.”

“Oh, because you’re both dressed like you’re hacking…”

“See!” Love Tap said as she motioned to her son. “He gets it!”

Chip rolled his eyes.

Button continued, “Are you two hacking past mega-corps ice to get to its central server because they’ve targeted Gibson and are holding him against his will?”

Love Tap and Chip exchanged glances briefly and turned back to Button.

Love Tap nodded. “Yes, we are absolutely doing that.”

Button smiled. “Awesome.”

Love Tap smiled. “Now go upstairs! If you’re too close to daddy’s rig, you might suffer net damage!”

“Alright, mom!” Button said with a nod and a smile as he started walking upstairs.

Chip sighed. “Why’d you tell him that?”

Love Tap turned and folded her arms across her chest. “Is there a problem with your son thinking you’re a leet haxor?”

Chip cocked an eyebrow. “Remember how Gibson thought I was a wizard until he was eleven?”

Love Tap chuckled. “What?! That was cute!”

“Do you know how many times he asked me to brew a love potion?!”

Love Tap frowned. “I’ll uh… I’ll be sure to set Button’s expectations so he doesn’t ask you to hack his school, or Blizzard, or anything…”

Chip nodded. “That would be best.” He paused and looked down at his ensemble. “I’m not sure why you insisted we get changed. It’s not like our outfits are helping us find Gibson.”

“I thought it would help set the mood! You know, make tracking down our son a little more exciting!”

“You’re just making me do this because you wanted an excuse for both of us to put on a pair of leather outfits, didn’t you?”

“You can’t prove that!” Love Tap snapped.

-ooo-

Gibson continued, “…and who knows what she’ll do if I disappear entirely.”

Caspar smiled down at the spiky-haired teenager. “Don’t worry.” He grinned wickedly. “We’ll inform your next of kin should something dire happen to you.”

Gibson shrugged. “Your funeral…” he uttered.

Amber raised an eyebrow. “I think you mean your funeral.”

“No… no I don’t…” Gibson said.

“Enough yapping, already!” Dan cried. “This is boring! You’re boring, old geezers!”

“Uh, dude?” Ninja Dave said. “We’re talking a potential life-or-death situation here!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Right, because that happens to me so infrequently! In fact,all the tests up to this point have been life or death!”

Amber cocked an eyebrow. “Even the math test?”

“Especially the math test!” Dan snapped back.

Pinkie wrapped her arms around herself and shivered slightly. “So many dead…” she uttered.

Balthazar looked down at the group below and smiled. “I assure you, this next test will be unlike anything you’ve faced up until this point.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Thrilling, I’m sure…”

Balthazar continued, “In this next test, you will have to combine everything you’ve shown us.”

Dan groaned and slumped his shoulders. “Since you’ve already seen that, can’t you just imagine would it would look like if combined all the things you’ve seen us do?!”

Melchior suddenly spoke up. “Silence!” he commanded. “The next test will challenge your very will to survive. It will be the most soul-crushing task we have put forth before you!”

The group paused and exchanged glances as Balthazar and Caspar got up from their seats and began to descend the steps.

Dan looked up at Melchior. “So, when you say ‘soul-crushing’, like how bad are you talking about exactly? Weekday breakfast run? After work run? Weekend brunch run? One of those with a giant order on top of it?”

Melchior leaned forward, his cloak still casting a dark shadows over his eyes as his mouth pulled up into a sneer. “You will be surrounded on all sides by the insatiable. A chorus of voices all calling out in hunger will fill the air. A field of hands all clutching for you, desperate to get your attention. Each one attached to someone who will add yet another task to your already seemingly impossibly long list of things to do.”

Dan spoke up again, “So… are we talking like Friday bad, or Sunday bad? Help us out here…”

Melchior began to speak louder, “There will be no respite, no rest!” His voice lowered to a quiet hiss once more. “You will pray… beg for someone to put you out of your misery, a mercy that no one will hear or deliver. You will either weather this seemingly insurmountable task, or my young friends… you will die…”

The group looked amongst themselves again and then back up at Melchior.

Dan turned to Pinkie and shot her a confused look. Pinkie merely raised her palms into a shrug. Dan turned back and waved a hand about dismissively. “You know what? I’m sure we’ll figure it out. It’s fine...”

“… And not a peaceful or welcome death!” Melchior cried. “You shall fall to the floor in mental anguish! Ignored by those who you once thought your trusted allies, as they struggle to keep their own sanity in this—”

“Alright already!” Dan cried. “We get it!”

Melchior’s grin widened wickedly once more. “Very well, if you feel you are prepared for your next test…” Melchior motioned out to a wall behind the group where Balthazar and Caspar stood holding ropes. “… Behold!”

The group turned and stared Balthazar and Caspar who simply stared back.

“…”

“COUGH…”

Dan motioned to the two men in front of him. “Are they… are they supposed to do some—”

“I SAID ‘BEHOLD!’” Melchior cried in annoyance as he waved his hand out again.

“I’m sorry, was that the signal?” Balthazar asked.

Melchior shook his fist. “How can dramatically waving my hand about and shouting ‘Behold!’ not be the signal?!”

“Huh… ” Caspar uttered as he turned to Balthazar. “When he puts it like that, it does seem obvious.”

Balthazar turned back to Melchior. “Look, do you want to start again, we’ll be read—”

“OH, JUST SHOW THEM TO STUPID HIDDEN CENTER ROOM ALREADY!” Melchior cried.

Balthazar and Caspar walked away from each other holding the ropes. The stone wall slid away as they did, revealing tables full of people who stared at the group of bakers with a collection of scowls, frowns, and other unpleasant expressions.

“In front of you are a group the rudest, hardest to please, most irritating group of people you will come across, and you have no choice but to serve them your baked goods!”

Once again, the group of bakers looked amongst themselves, then stared back up at Melchior in confusion.

Dan frowned. “Still not narrowing it down… Like… at all…”

-ooo-

An overweight man with a long, thin nose and short black hair stared up at Pinkie, who smiled happily back at him. He wore a white long-sleeved shirt.

“Gee, those are a lot of options,” the man mused. “Do you mind saying them again?”

Pinkie grinned widely. “What if I sang you the options? Would that help? Omn…”

“… Sing me the options?”

Pinkie’s lips pulled open even further. “Don’t mind if I do! Oooooh…”

-ooo-

Amber smiled as she glanced at a woman with long, wavy blond hair and a tight black tank top over her ample chest.

“Is something wrong?” Amber asked as she motioned to a rainbow cupcake with a single bite taken out of it.

“Yeah, this was horrible,” the woman said as she pushed forward the rainbow cupcake. “I want something else.”

“No it wasn’t, and no you don’t,” Amber replied, still smiling.

“Excuse me?” The woman said in an irritated tone.

Amber looked the woman dead in the eyes as she maintained the same smile. Though the smile seemed somehow dead and listless against her intense stare. “People often commit little ‘tells’ when they lie. You just committed a boatload of them.”

The woman began to fidget nervously. “But, I—”

“Why did you lie to me?” Amber asked as she smiled widely and tilted her head.

“Uh…”

Amber leaned in closer to the woman. “Do you like lying to people?”

The woman leaned back, a nervous expression on her face. “I NEED AN ADULT!” she cried.

“Awwww, nuts!” Gibson cried out in a disappointed tone.

Amber’s already wide smile somehow grew larger as her eyes also widened, making her already unhinged expression look downright crazed. “I am an adult!”

“I NEED A DIFFERENT ADULT!”

“THEY ALL HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!” Dan shouted back. “WE HAVE ONE TEENAGER IF YOU’RE DESPERATE THOUGH!”

“Yes! Anyone!” the woman cried.

“Yay!” Gibson cried as he walked up. “Phone number please!” Gibson said with a smile.

The woman looked up at Gibson in surprise. “Excuse me?”

“I get your number, or you get left with her,” Gibson said as he nodded to Amber.

Amber simply stared and smiled at the woman.

“Erm… its 867-5309!” The woman said.

Gibson rolled his eyes. “Oh, and I bet your name is ‘Jenny’… You can at least try!”

The woman frowned then rattled off another set of numbers.

“Amber?” Gibson asked as he turned to Amber.

“Oh, she’s totally lying.” Amber leaned close to the woman again. “Do you consider yourself a pathological liar?”

“Ahhhh!” The woman called out in alarm. She rattled off another set of numbers.

Gibson glanced at Amber, who nodded at him. He smiled as he pulled out a rectangular smart phone and started pressing the screen a few times. “Better,” he said with a nod. He turned to Amber. “Alright, I think I can handle this.”

Amber nodded and walked away from the table.

“I want a different muffin!” a man called out.

Amber fixed her blank, happy smile on the man. “Oh no you don’t!” she replied.

“Ah!” the man called out in alarm as Amber approached.

-ooo-

The man with the thin nose stared up at Pinkie with wide eyes. “Uh… wow… that’s uh… that’s still a lot to take in…”

Pinkie frowned. “Singing and rapping and sing-rapping not doing it for you, huh?”

“Uh… I guess not…”

Pinkie’s frown suddenly turned a 180 as she smiled once more. “Do you like interpretive dance?”

“I uh… don’tknow…”

Pinkie flashed a toothy smile. “Well maybe we should find out. Omn…”

The man whimpered slightly.

-ooo-

Dan scowled at several muffins that sat discarded on a plate, each one with a bite taken out of them. He raised his head slightly to shoot the same scowl at a large man in a red-and-yellow plaid shirt.

“And what, pray tell, is your frickin’ deal?” Dan asked.

The man cocked an eyebrow at Dan. “I didn’t like them,” he said simply.

Dan’s eye twitched slightly. “Well maybe you should be better at picking something you like!”

The man frowned further. “I thinkyou should get me something else!”

Dan glared at the man and gritted his teeth. He clenched his fist tightly and began to pull it back.

The man’s eyes went wide as he noticed a slight red glow from Dan’s hand. “Ha-hey… What is…”

To the man’s surprise, Dan slowly unclenched his hand and took a step closer to the man.

“Life isn’t always about getting what you want,” Dan said as he reached into his pockets.

“Uh… what?” The man replied.

Dan nodded as he casually unscrewed the cap off a silver hip flask and poured a bit of a clear substance onto the table opposite the man. The stinging scent of incredibly strong alcohol suddenly filled the area. He continued, “I don’t want to be here helping obnoxious people, and you probably don’t want to sit at a table that’s on fire…” Dan pulled his golden zippo lighter from his pocket and quickly set fire to the substance he had poured onto the table.

“Uh, you know what?” The man stood up. “I think I’m done.”

“Oh no,” Dan said as he placed his walked up and placed his hands on both shoulders of the man, pushing him back into his seat. “You weren’t satisfied. Why don’t you just sit there at that chair where the fire is slowly, but surely getting closer, and tell me what you want?”

“Uh… Right now I really don’t want to catch fire…”

Dan grinned wickedly. “I’m afraid we’re fresh out of that.”

-ooo-

“…Alright,” Crunchy said happily as he looked over a notepad at a gruff-looking man. “I’ve written down all your complaints, what else don’t you like?”

The man looked Crunchy up and down and folded his arms across his chest. “I don’t like your shirt,” he announced.

Crunchy nodded. “Fair enough…” Crunchy quickly took off his purple vest and set it on a chair. He then proceeded to lift his green shirt over his head.

“Wait!” the man cried. “What are you doing?!”

“Well,” Crunchy began as he put his purple vest back over his bare chest, “you can’t please all the people all the time, but you can at least try.”

“Uh…”

“What the heck are you doing!?” A woman’s voice called out from another table.

D.H.’s chipper voice replied, “Well, you said you didn’t like my shirt!”

The man turned and to his great surprise, saw a woman with long, messy blonde hair in a simple grey bra, her blue shirt clearly removed and placed on a chair next to her.

Before anyone else could say anything, a man ran by wearing a red-and-yellow plaid shirt that was also on fire. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” he cried as he ran from the dining room area.

“WAIT!” Dan called out as he followed the man, an arm full of cupcakes cradled against his chest. “YOU HAVEN’T TRIED OUR CUPCAKES YET!” With that, Dan began picking up the cupcakes in his arm and lobbing them after the man in the flaming plaid shirt.

The man who was talking to Crunchy locked eyes with the woman who was talking to D.H. “Bail?” he asked simply.

The woman nodded. “Bail!”

The two quickly got up from their seats and bolted for the exit.

“Wait!” Crunchy called. “What else about me don’t you like!” he cried as he motioned to himself. “I AIM TO PLEASE, BRAH!”

D.H. shook her head and placed her hands on her hips. “Huh, some people…”

Crunchy turned to her. “I know, right?”

“Oh, D.H.!” Gibson called out. “I don’t like your skir—”

‘SMACK!’

“OW!”

“Not another word!” Amber said in a warning tone.

-ooo-

 A man with short brown hair and a small brown mustache, wearing a red t-shirt stared at the large amount of baked goods in front of him, and the much larger man with his arm in a sling standing in front of him. A soggy-looking bag rested on the larger man’s arm that rested in the sling.

“Uh… And you’re sure that’s everything?” the man with the mustache asked.

“Sir, yes sir!” Sarge said saluting with his left hand. “Eight muffins: two peanut butter, one banana nut, two poppy-seed, one chocolate, one vanilla, and one Neapolitan.”

“You uh… also got all the cupcakes?” the man asked.

Sarge nodded. “Twelve cupcakes: One chocolate madness, another chocolate madness with only slightly crazy amounts of chocolate, two regular rainbow cupcakes, one rainbow cupcake with the colors reversed, two MMMMMs, one half an MMMMM, one half a strawberry shortcake cupcake, one whole strawberry shortcake cupcake, one triple lemon cupcake, one single lemon cupcake, and one quadruple lemon cupcake, hold the lemons.”

“Er…”

“Oh!” Sarge exclaimed as he grabbed the soggy paper bag off his arm. He set it on the table. “And here’s all the lemon we held.”

“Wow… I… uh… I guess I don’t have any complaints, then.”

Sarge smiled wide. “I am very happy to hear that, sir.”

“I guess I’ll just try to eat… all of this…”

-ooo-

“Alright,” Pinkie said as she looked over the man with the thin nose. “So I guess interpretive dance was inoperative, and it seems haikus didn’t take…” Her face lit up. “Morse code!”

The man frowned. “What? Morse code?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Dash dot dash dot pause dot dot dot dot pause dash dash dash pause dash dot dash dot pause dash dash dash pause dot dash dot dot pause dot dash pause dash pause dot.” She paused to finish the cookie in her hand. “Omn… ”

“What was that?” the man asked.

Pinkie smiled. “The first word!”

The color drained from the man’s face.

“Oh, Ninja Davey!” Pinkie called. “I need another cookie!”

Ninja Dave was there in a flash with another cookie. “Now make this last,” he said in a warning tone. “You’re running very low.”

Pinkie nodded. “I will!” she said. “Now where was I…?”

The man frowned up at Pinkie. “Uh…”

“Oh! I remember!” Pinkie said. “Dash dash pause dot dot dash pause dot dot dash dot pause dot dot dash dot pause dot dot pause dash dot…”

-ooo-

Chris happily picked a rainbow-colored cupcake off his face and quickly devoured it. “Swo…” he said before he swallowed the bits of cupcake in his mouth. “If you didn’t like this, what else would you like to try?”

A woman with long black hair and a purple dress glared back at him. “I want a Neapolitan Muffin,” she said.

Chris nodded. “Good choice! I’ll bring it right up!”

The woman glared at Chris with an angry expression. “THIS IS LIKE THE 20TH TIME I’VE CHANGED MY MIND!” she shrieked. “WHY AREN’T YOU UPSET, YOU IDIOT?!”

Chris stared blankly at the woman. “Do you want me to be upset?”

The woman furrowed her brow. “Would you really be upset, or just pretending?”

Chris sighed. “Just pretending…” he admitted.

“Well, then I’m afraid it won’t do.”

Chris nodded. “I’m sorry, I’ll just get you that muffin, now…”

“AAAAAHHHHH!” The woman stood up and slammed her hands on the table. “You know what? I’m going to take a break, and when I come back, I’ll have thought of new ways to make your life miserable.”

Chris nodded with a happy smile on his face. “Well I’ll be right here!”

“And try to be upset about it!” the woman shouted as she stormed off.

Chris waved. “I shall do my best.”

The woman made her way out of the room and to a water cooler where Elise, Becky, and Ninja Dave sat chatting away. She uttered a frustrated “UHHHHG!” as she approached before grabbing a small paper cup attached to the large water bottle that sat on top of the machine.

“Pretty tough in there, huh?” Elise asked.

The woman nodded as she filled her cup. “I can’t just break that tall, goofy looking guy! He just seems so incredibly stupid that he’s just happy all the time!”

Elise’s eye twitched. “You don’t say…”

Ninja Dave and Becky’s eyes widened as they took a few large steps away from Elise.

The woman nodded. “I keep just throwing cupcakes and insulting him too! But he just seems so happy to take it and eat anything I throw at him! UHG! He’s like a big… empty… monkey-faced goon!”

A crooked, twisted smile slowly made its way across Elise’s face, like a thorny vine crawling into an otherwise pristine garden. She placed an arm around the woman. “Sounds rough? Wanna talk about it more?”

The woman sighed. “Yeah… I would like that…” she said.

Elise nodded and she and the woman walked away.

Becky looked on in concern. “I’m guessing we’ll never see her again…” she said, motioning out to the woman that walked with Elise.

Ninja Dave sighed and shook his head. “Nope…”

-ooo-

“… And you’re sure everything is fine?” Wally asked. His normal clothes had been replaced by a black set of robes that hugged his portly frame tightly.

A man with a silver-haired comb over and red sweater vest over a white collared shirt looked over Wally nervously. “Ye… yes?” he replied. He glanced up at the trio of three men high above him, paying special attention to Melchior who sat motionless on his chair.

“Are you sure?” Wally asked.

“Ya… yes… ” the man stammered out. “I’m fine. Everything is fine here now, thank you… How are you?”

Wally frowned. “Well… not so good actually.”

“Uh… yeah?” the man said as he shot another nervous glance up at Melchior.

Wally nodded. “It’s been a rough night. Just terrible, and—”

Wally was interrupted as a pair of men in white paramedic outfits ran by carrying the man with brown hair and small mustache on a stretcher. The man raised his hand as he stared emptily up into the vast ceiling. “So… much… sugar…”

Wally shook his head. “Poor guy… That’s like the fifth or sixth person that’s happened to tonight.”

“Oh… well… uh… ESCAPE!” the man with silver hair cried as he stood up out of his chair and fled the dining room area.

“Huh…” Wally uttered as he watched the man flee. He brought an index finger up to his chin. “I wonder why everyone keeps doing that around me… Oh well!” he said with a shrug.

Wally turned to a woman who was sitting at a table. “Can I get you—?”

“EEEEEEK!” The woman shrieked. “PLEASE DON’T HAVE ME EXECUTED!”

-ooo-

“Please… no more…” the thin-nosed man pleaded.

Pinkie frowned. “Morse code not doing it for you?” She smiled again. “That’s okay! We have plenty of other things we can try!”

The man whimpered in response.

“But first…” Pinkie paused to finish the cookie in her hand with an “Omn…” She looked out towards the dining area entrance. “Oh, Ninja Davey!” she cried. “I need another cookie.”

“Pinkie!” Ninja Dave cried. “I told you when I handed you that last cookie that that was the last one!”

The large cavernous room went quiet enough that one could hear a pin dropping echo off the large walls.

“Oh…” Pinkie uttered. “Oopsie…” she said with a nervous grin.

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 128 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Rush part 2

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 128 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Rush part 2

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 128 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Bakery Rush part 2

-ooooooo-

For a brief moment after Pinkie’s nervous exclamation filled the air, no one moved or said anything, and many held their breath. The perfect stillness was soon interrupted by the man that Pinkie was serving as he reached into his pocket.  Before he could fish anything out however, Dan was behind him. The man felt surprisingly strong hands dig into his shoulders. The color drained from his face as he looked up into a face that was staring back at him the way one might stare at an unwelcome fly that had just landed on something they were eating.

The man with the thin nose spoke up, “I was just… uh…”

“Going to sit there so I don’t have to thrash you?” Dan suggested.

The man gulped. “Yeah, that…”

The bakers, their friends, and people still at tables all collectively looked up at the trio of three men who stared back with grim expressions on their faces, in Melchior’s case this simply being his default expression.

Everything went silent once more. Those at the tables nervously waited for instructions, their number now severely reduced after their interactions with the group around them severely affected their number. The bakers tensed and waited as well, each one having already known that coming here could very well mean fighting their way out.

Everyone waited for something to break the silence.

They didn’t have to wait long.

As if it were something she did professionally, Pinkie murdered the silence as she nonchalantly asked, “Can I have a glass of milk?”

Everyone paused and stared at her with wide eyes.

Pinkie glanced from side to side. She continued, “I mean… I just spent the last few hours eating cookies.” She giggled, “Hehehe… I mean, I’ve got to wash it down with something!”

“Ninja!” Melchior cried out.

Becky and Ninja Dave both flinched as they looked up at the hooded figure. Everyone, including the other two members of N.A.R.F.’s high council, paused and stared at Melchior.

Silence once again fell as everyone awaited the cloaked figure’s response. Even with seemingly having a slant towards following the rules, everyone had noticed Melchior had been oddly forgiving, even inviting of the rule bending that allowed Pinkie to participate without fear of attack up until this point. However, with Pinkie out of cookies, it seemed the loophole that had kept her safe had come to an end.

Ninja Dave swallowed. “Yes, sir?” he replied.

To everyone’s great surprise, Melchior leaned his face down enough that a set of yellow eyes peeked out from underneath the shadows. “Fetch your customer a glass of milk.”

The tension quickly left the room as a wave of relieved sighs were uttered and those that had been holding their breath continued breathing.

Ninja Dave rushed for kitchen area of the complex.

Caspar smirked and raised an eyebrow. “You probably could have argued to have her killed, and unleashed all kinds of chaos down there. Why’d you let her get away with needing a simple glass of milk?”

Melchior opened his lips, revealing a smile full of yellowing and twisted teeth. “Because it amused me to do so.”

Caspar sighed. “Typical…”

Balthazar chuckled. “I think it was the right choice. I mean, who ever heard of denying someone milk if they’re having cookies outside a milk commercial? That would just be evil.”

Below things slowly returned to the chaos they had been before the disruption.

The man with the thin nose looked up at Dan. “Ca…can you let go of my shoulders now? I think they’re bruising…”

“Do you promise not to assault my girlfriend?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Sure!” Dan said with a devilish grin. “You can either say ‘yes’ or I can tear your arms out of your sockets and beat you with them before you bleed to death!”

Pinkie giggled and pinched Dan’s cheek. “You’re so cute when you’re being defensive of me!”

“I promise not to assault your girlfriend!” the thin-nosed man said hastily.

Dan nodded. “You’ve made a wise choice in which you get to keep your limbs…”

The thin-nosed man breathed a sigh of relief.

“For now…” Dan added cryptically.

“Wait, what?” The man asked. “But what—”

Pinkie gasped. “Puppets!”

The man shifted his attention back to Pinkie. “What?”

“I’ll explain the menu through puppets!” she cried.

“…WHAT?!”

“It’s perfect!” Pinkie cried. “Who doesn’t love puppets?”

The man frowned. “I actually have a phobia of puppets!”

Pinkie’s eyes widened. “So I’d be helping you understand the menu and face your fears?!” She smiled widely. “Wow! Talk about killing two birds with one hacksaw!”

“I… why would anyone—”

“Oh, Saaaaarge~!” Pinkie sang out.

From a few tables over Sarge looked up. “Hey, Pinkie. I’ll be with you in just a few moments,” he said before looking back at the person he was helping.

A woman with shoulder-length brown hair and a blue button-up blouse sat at the table in front of Sarge and looked over the massive pile of cupcakes and muffins set in front of her. A few were clearly two halves of different baked goods that had been placed together, and one was even composed out of four quarters taken from separate muffins and cupcakes.

“Now are you sure there’s nothing else I can get for you?” Sarge asked.

The woman simply stared at all the food at her with wide eyes. “Na-no…” she stammered out. “I can’t… I can’t think of anything else…”

Sarge smiled and nodded. “Alright, well just tell me if you need anything.”

The woman slowly reached for a lemon cupcake. “… Maybe an insulin shot?” she uttered to herself.

Sarge walked over to Pinkie. “Alright Pinkie, what can I help you with?”

Pinkie motioned to the man at the table. “I keep trying to explain our menu options through song, rap, interpretive dance, and improvisational theater—”

Sarge nodded. “As you do.”

“—but nothing seems to work! So, I want to put on a puppet show for this man to explain our menu options! That way he’ll finally understand all our menu options and get over his irrational fear of puppets.”

Sarge looked at the thin-nosed man quizzically. “You’re afraid of puppets?”

The man nodded. “Ever since I was a child.”

Sarge stared at Pinkie and blinked a few times. “So let me get this straight… you’ve tried to explain all our menu items to this man multiple times in a different way each time, but none of them have worked. So, your latest idea is to explain them using something that he’s terrified of in the hopes that he will somehow remember everything on our menu and get over his lifelong phobia?!”

The man exhaled a sigh of relief.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Uh-huh!” she said happily.

Sarge smiled. “It’s brilliant!” he cried.

The man inhaled a panicked-sounding gulp of air.

“I know, right?!” Pinkie replied with a dazzling smile. Pinkie looked around the dining area again. “Hey, Chris!” Pinkie called out. “Do you want to get in on this puppet action?”

“Uh… I’m still waiting for the girl I was helping to come back,” Chris explained.

Pinkie scrunched her brow slightly. “But you’ve been standing there for like an hour…”

Chris shrugged. “I guess she’s really taking her time in figuring out how to bug me with cupcakes.”

A short, derisive “HAH!” was heard from up the stairs.

Chris, Pinkie, and Sarge looked up to see Elise walking down back towards the lower areas, wiping her palms against each other as she did.

“Yeah, you don’t have to worry about her anymore,” Elise said.

Pinkie and Chris’s faces went pale.

“Elise!” Chris cried. “What did you do to that girl?!” he asked in a slightly panicked tone.

Pinkie joined in with Chris’s concerned tone. “You didn’t do the worst possible thing you can do to someone, did you?!”

Elise began to speak, “Well I—”

Chris gulped.

Pinkie continued, “I mean… peanut butter in their underwear?! That just has to feel so weird!”

Sarge cringed and shivered slightly.

Chris lifted an eyebrow. “Actually, I was thinking Elise killed that woman.”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “Oh wait, that’s much, much worse!”

Elise waved her hands in front of her. “No, no, no! Nothing like that! I just sent her on a nice trip where she gets to pick fresh bananas until she can affor—I mean decides to go home!”

Pinkie grinned. “Well that sounds nice!”

Chris folded his arms across his chest. “You knocked her out and placed her on a cargo ship bound for a South American country, didn’t you?”

“I…” Elise paused briefly. “… Yes, I absolutely did that.”

 “Who doesn’t enjoy a good boat ride?” Pinkie exclaimed.

Chris turned and stared at Pinkie. “Uh… Pinkie? I don’t think—”

Pinkie covered her ears and smiled as she began to sing “Oh, la la la la la la la…” over and over again.

The people sitting at the tables around the group all tensed and looked on nervously.

“Huh…” Sarge uttered. “That’s almost the same way the Salvation Armed Forces deals with people who attempt to switch the colored tags to save on items.”

Chris cocked an eyebrow at Sarge. “That also seems a bit extreme...”

Sarge gave Chris a serious look. “Those color tags are all carefully considered before applied to each item! Could you imagine if there were too many glasses, or shirts even with the same color tag?! It’d be complete anarchy!”

“… Fair enough,” Chris replied. He turned back towards Elise. “Still, you didn’t need to ship her to a developing nation!”

“What?!” Elise protested. “She abused you with baked goods, so I shipped her off to toil in a banana farm to think about her actions. Was that so bad?”

Chris nodded. “Kind of, yeah…”

Ninja Dave suddenly popped up holding a glass of milk. “Hey!”

“Ah!” Chris cried in alarm as he jumped slightly.

“I have your milk,” Ninja Dave said as he passed the glass to Pinkie.

Pinkie smiled as she grasped the glass. “Yay, safety milk! Now I won’t be murdered!” she declared. She tilted her head back and took a big gulp. Pinkie lowered her glass and smiled, her upper lip now sporting a moist, white milk mustache. She turned back to the man she was still attempting to help. “Guess I’ll just milk that drink for a bit,” she said with a giggle.

“Uh…hehe?” the man replied nervously.

Ninja Dave walked out of the dining area and back to the water cooler, where Becky continued to stand and idly watch the mayhem in the dining area unfold.

“Well that was close,” Becky said with a smile.

“Heh, yeah…” Dave said. “Thank goodness Pinkie is a quick thinker.”

Becky nodded. “Yeah, and thank goodness nothing else bad can possibly—”

Dave quickly placed a palm over Becky’s mouth.

“Don’t… say… anything!” Ninja Dave said in a serious tone as he slowly removed his hand. As Ninja Dave moved his hand he noticed a smirk on Becky’s face.

Becky chuckled. “Gotcha.”

“Uh… Pinkie,” Elise said. “Looks like you’re starting to bleed through your bandages a bit.”

Pinkie looked at the bandages on her arms. Red blotches had begun to surface.

“Oopsie!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Looks like I need to change my bandages!”

The man once again breathed a sigh of relief.

“Gee,” Sarge said, “if only there was a way for you to change your bandages and make a puppet at the same time...”

Pinkie gasped. “Sarge! You’re a genius! That’s exactly what I’ll do!”

The thin-nosed man looked at Pinkie with a frightened expression. “How would… How is that even going to work?”

“I have no idea,” Pinkie said cheerfully, “but I’m going to find out!”

Chris frowned. “I uh… I think I’ll just check to see if anyone else needs my help.”  Chris turned to a man at a nearby table. “Hey. Anything I can get you?”

“… Please don’t send me to South America…” the man replied in a worried tone.

-ooo-

 A woman with long brown hair wearing a black and white vertically striped blouse and black shorts briefly scanned the dining area. “Uh... Excuse me?” she called as her eyes settled on the person she was looking for. “Are you the manager of these two?” she asked as she motioned to D.H. and Crunchy who were standing behind her.

Dan walked up to the table the woman was sitting at, noting his underlings still weren’t wearing shirts. “‘Manager’ suggests they should be treated like people,” he replied. “I like to think of myself as more of a zookeeper or kennel operator.”

“… Is that why they’re in their underwear?” the woman asked.

Dan tilted his head to look past the table. He looked over Crunchy, D.H., their bare legs, D.H.’s grey panties, Crunchy’s white briefs and nodded. “Yes, I see what the problem is… I’ll handle this.” Dan placed his hand up to his mouth and cleared his throat. “WHY AREN’T YOU TWO WEARING PANTS?!” he demanded angrily.

From a few tables over, Gibson poked his head up.

D.H. gave Dan a blank stare. “I don’t usually wear pants. I wear a skirt.”

“WELL WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING IT?!”

“One of the guys here said he didn’t like it, so I took it off!” D.H. replied.

From a few tables over, Gibson continued to stare at D.H.’s half naked body.

Dan sighed and turned to Crunchy. “Let me guess, someone said they didn’t like your pants too?”

Crunchy shook his head. “I was just hot.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “So you decided to just strip to your underwear?!” he cried.

Crunchy motioned to D.H. “She wasn’t wearing her skirt! I figured with it being hot and all everyone would be taking off their clothes soon.”

“Uh…” the woman sitting at the table uttered. “This is making me uncomfortable…”

Crunchy and D.H. looked at the woman and frowned.

“I’m sorry, brah,” Crunchy said. “Would it help if we helped take off your shorts so we all match?”

From a few tables over, Gibson began to gawk and perspire.

“What?” the woman responded.

Dan nodded. “Yes, you two should absolutely take off her shorts.”

The woman quickly stood up with a nervous expression on her face. “I’m leaving!”

D.H. frowned. “But we haven’t even got you something else to eat, or taken your shorts off even!”

From a few tables over, Amber smacked Gibson.

“No need!” the woman said hastily as she walked off. “I’m fine! Thanks.”

D.H. frowned. “Well that didn’t seem to go well…”

Dan smiled. “Oh, I don’t know. I think you two should find someone else to half-naked harass—uh, help.”

D.H. and Crunchy’s faces lit up. “Really?!” they asked in unison.

Dan nodded and pointed to another table. “Go stand uncomfortably close to that guy and try to help him.”

D.H. and Crunchy saluted. “Aye, aye!”

-ooo-

The thin-nosed man sat at his table with a nervous expression on his face. Fearing that any moment, his pink-haired server would pop up with—

Pinkie suddenly popped next to the man, holding what appeared to be a skull covered with a tattered paper bag that was held in place with brownish-red stained bandages with sharp teeth glued over the regular teeth. One of the empty eye sockets stared out blankly from under the coverings of wrappings and torn paper.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

“Do you like it?” Pinkie asked with a grin. “I made it out of a shredded paper bag, some of my used bandages I just changed, and a skull I found in one of those spiky pit thingies from the obstacle coursey!”

“Why would… why would you make the puppet extra scary?” the man asked.

“D’uuuuuuh! So you can see how extra harmless puppets are even when they’re scary-looking!” Pinkie paused and added. “I mean… most puppets, that is! On this puppet all the teeth are real shark teeth!” She giggled. “I mean if I clamped down on your arm with this puppet, all the razor sharp, serrated edges would probably sink right in!”

The man stared at Pinkie in horror. “Where did you even…”

Pinkie suddenly thrust the puppet right up against the man’s face. She shushed him with it as he sat petrified of the puppet and its gaping maw full of deadly teeth.

“Only silence now…” Pinkie whispered out eerily as she worked the puppets mouth up and down.

The man gave out a tiny whimper.

“What do you need me to do?” Sarge asked.

“Glad you asked!” Pinkie said with a smile. “I could only find the one skull, so I figured you can do the voice!”

“Sounds like a plan!” Sarge said.

Pinkie nodded and motioned to the thin-nosed man. “We want to make extra certain this man understand that things that seem scary are harmless! So I need you to yell our menu options as loud as you can!”

Sarge nodded. “I can absolutely do that.”

“I don’t…” the man said in a scared voice. “I don’t like this id—”

Pinkie worked the mouth of the skull up and down as Sarge leaned down next to the man and began belting out menu options at top volume from the other side of him. “CHOCOLATE MUFFINS! BANANA NUT MUFFINS! CHOCOLATE MADNESS CUPCAKES! RAINBOW CUPCAKES!”

Tears streamed from the man’s face as he stared at the puppet with a horrified expression on his face. He uttered a series of pitiful whimpers.

Pinkie frowned. “Alright, so this isn’t working.” She turned to Sarge. “Feed the puppet a cupcake! Maybe that’ll help convey how yummy our food is!”

Sarge placed the strawberry cupcake into the maw of the puppet and Pinkie immediately worked its mouth up and down with an audible “Om-nom nom nom nom!” Pink cake, light pink frosting, and bright red filling and merged into one messy, gooey glob of red in the puppet’s fanged mouth.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

-ooo-

A woman with shoulder-length black hair and a tight red vest looked at Amber, who stared back at her with a somewhat-detached smile.

“Please stop staring…” the woman pleaded.

“You know the price for that,” Gibson said as he stood next to the woman.

The woman frowned. “But… you’re like… eighteen…”

Gibson sighed. “Sixteen…”

“Wow, now this is super creepy… I really don’t want to give you my number now…”

Gibson shrugged. “Alright, but its more questions from Amber…”

Amber leaned forward. “Do you ever feel you have trouble with commitment?”

“ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! YOU CAN HAVE MY STUPID NUMBER!” the woman cried. She quickly pulled out a pen and a paper and began jotting something down.

Dan paused as he noticed the commotion and stared Gibson and Amber. “Are you two using Amber’s creepy Stepford smile to extort girls into coughing up their numbers to Gibson?”

“Well…” Gibson said trailing off slightly. “I mean, it’s working, so…”

“Not that I care,” Dan said as he looked at Amber, “but why are you helping him?”

Amber shrugged, theame smile still plastered on her face. “I guess it’s better than Gibson making puppy dog faces at me all the time.”

“Awww,” Gibson said in a protesting tone, “but I’m so good at puppy dog faces!”

Amber folded her arms across her chest and broke her smile as she gave Gibson a sideways glance. “That’s debatable.”

“Fine, whatever,” Dan replied. “What about all the people here that weren’t pretty girls?”

Wally spoke up, “I kept trying to help people, but they all ran off screaming.”

Chris raised his hand. “Ditto…”

“Alright,” Dan replied, “So I guess that just leaves…”

-ooo-

“Please… make it stop…” the thin-nosed man said as he covered his eyes and quietly sobbed to himself.

Pinkie sighed and tossed the red frosting and goo-covered skull behind her. This was shortly followed by a ‘Thud!’ as it hit a table and a woman screamed and ran out of the dining area.

Pinkie began listing items off on her fingers. “Alright, puppets, opera, Noh theatre, and puppet opera didn’t work…” She smiled. “However, I have a good feeling about the next one! Just one question…”

“Uh… yes?” The man replied nervously.

 “Do you ‘like’ or do you ‘love’ yodeling?”

“Erm… neither?”

Pinkie gasped. “You mean you adore it?!” Pinkie beamed. “Let me just get my accordion!” She pulled an accordion from her hair.

The man stared at Pinkie in disbelief. “Ho...how did you—”

“Oh Crunchy~!” she called out.

Still merely wearing a purple vest over his bare chest, underwear, and his socks and sandals, Crunchy stepped up as a man behind him ran out of the dining area screaming “NO PANTS!”

“Yeah, brah?”

“Do you know how to play the accordion?” Pinkie asked with a grin. “‘Cause I have no idea how to work it with my weird, floppy human fingers.”

Crunchy shook his head. “No, but I’ve always wanted to try!”

“That’s good enough for me!” Pinkie paused and took a tiny sip of her milk and sat it back down again.  “Sarge!” she called out.

“Yes, sir?” Sarge asked.

“Ring your bell randomly.”

Sarge nodded. “Sir, yes sir!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his bell.

The man at the table stared at Pinkie. “How did… How where you even carrying that?”

Pinkie quickly produced her skull puppet and placed it gets the man’s face. “No more questions,” she said as she worked the puppets mouth up and down.

“WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM?!” The man cried. “YOU THREW IT AWAY!”

“I SAID ‘NO MORE QUESTIONS’!” Pinkie cried through the puppet. “IT’S YODELING TIME! And a one, and a two, and a—”

“I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” the man with the thin-nose cried. He jumped to his feet and bolted out of the dining area and into the obstacle course.

“WAIT!” Pinkie cried. “There’s still spikes and—“

‘Shiiickck!’

“AAAAAAHHHHHH!”

Pinkie and those around her cringed as the sickly sound of flesh and bone meeting metal was heard accompanied by a pained scream.

“Pinkie!” Dan cried as he walked up. “Did you just drive that man to putting his life in danger over suffering your presence?!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “I didn’t mean—”

“I am so in love with you!” Dan declared with a smile.

“Uh…. Glad you’re happy?” Pinkie said in an unsure tone.

“Enough!” Balthazar cried.

The group stopped and looked up at the trio of council members who still sat high above them.

“Are we done with your stupid test?” Dan asked

Balthazar narrowed his eyes at Dan. “That test was supposed to deplete you all of both food to serve and the will to continue! It was supposed to test your breaking point and see how you all coped under pressure! Instead you all either drove the people you were serving off with your obvious insanities—”

Amber raised an index finger. “In my defense, I was purposefully unnerving people since they were clearly trying to be a nuisance.”

“—and the people you didn’t scare away had their very massive and specific orders completed so well they actually tried to eat them in the hopes they’d finish and be able to try again…”

Dan smiled smugly up at the trio of old council members. “You might want to teach your minions the value of quitting while they’re ahead… or behind in this case, but not so behind they have to be hospitalized.”

“Also, one of our participants has gone missing,” Balthazar added.

Elise chuckled. “You might want to check somewhere between here and Ecuador...” she said darkly.

Dan glanced up at the ceiling and raised a palm up. “So we beat your ridiculous Kobayashi Maru test by out-crazying everyone! Are we done yet?”

Balthazar narrowed his eyes. “I’m not finished.”

Dan sighed heavily.

“You got through our obstacle course by breaking everything in it!”

Dan pointed an accusatory index finger. “Hey, next time equip your hall of death with stuff that doesn’t break when cupcakes are thrown at or if it’s hit with a butt!”

Balthazar continued, “The bears you were supposed to get past ended up getting loose and terrorizing all of us.”

“It’s not our fault this whole place doesn’t have any fences!”

“He has a point,” Caspar said as he motioned out to Dan.

Balthazar turned and placed a finger up to his lips. “SHHHHHHH!” He continued, “One of you got mauled by every wildcat we let loose.”

“But they were all so fluffy!” Pinkie protested.

“… yet still managed to survive.”

“So, I won, right?” Pinkie asked.

Balthazar, Caspar, and Melchior all smiled.

“Your team has crushed almost every test set before you!” Balthazar announced. “Congratulations! You’re all members of N.A.R.F.!”

The group erupted into smiles and cheers. Even Ninja Dave and Becky approached to congratulate the team.

Gibson raised his hand. “Can I get a gun?” he called out.

Caspar shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”

“WHAT?! No!” Amber cried.

Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan and began rubbing a bandaged-covered cheek against one of his stubble-covered ones. “We did it! I can eat at restaurants without fear of being murdered again!”

Dan hugged Pinkie back and smiled to himself. “Was there ever any doubt? I mean, I am pretty gre—”

Pinkie interrupted Dan by giggling to herself. “Hehehehe… narf…”

“Wait…” Wally said, “what about the math test?”

Dan scowled at Wally. “I ought to have you keelhauled!”

Chris spoke up, “Don’t you need a boat for that?”

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “I’m sure a car works just as well… better even.”

Becky spoke up. “Uh, I think that’s just basically running someone over, dude.”

Melchior spoke up. “Actually, your group did amazingly well there, too. Although some of you did rather poorly, four of you scored quite high.”

Dan looked around his group with a confused expression. “Wait… four?! Almost everyone here was either suffering through that stupid thing or is so stupid, they have trouble figuring out which shoe goes on what foot! How did four people here do well?!”

Melchior raised a weathered index finger and pointed. “The half-naked one scored perfectly.”

Crunchy smiled to himself. “I knew all I had to do was believe.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “He’s talking about D.H., nimrod. Which is somehow harder to believe but true.”

“Oh,” Crunchy replied, “that makes a lot more sense since I didn’t believe in myself… like… at all…”

“Yay!” D.H. cried. “Go quantum mechanics!”

Melchior continued, “The pink-haired one scored high as well…”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried. “I love her, but it all she did was draw oddly morbid pictures of ponies being killed by her math problems and suffer a mental breakdown!”

Caspar held up Pinkie’s test. It was completely covered in drawings, squiggles, and random scrawls. “The numbers don’t lie!” he said with a smile on his face. He turned the sheet and glanced at it. “And there’s a simply stirring bit of narrative going on here as well!”

Pinkie smiled at Dan. “See! I have a nice set of brains on me.”

“Really?!” Dan cried. “That mess has all the right answers?!”

Melchior and Balthazar stared at each other and turned back to Dan.

Balthazar motioned to Caspar. “We’re kind of trusting Caspar here,” he admitted. “He’s the only one who can make heads or tails of that thing…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fine, if Pinkie and D.H. somehow managed to randomly scrawl their way to a high score, I guess I can accept that—”

“Hey!” Gibson protested. “I scored high, too!”

Dan wheeled on Gibson, accusing index finger at the ready. “YOU SHUT YOUR DANG KNOW-IT-ALL TEENAGED MOUTH!” He turned back to the trio of old men. “Who else did well?”

Melchior shuffled through tests then looked up as he settled on one. “The one named ‘Chris’ had a perfect score.”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried in disbelief.

“I did?” Chris asked in surprise.

Elise quickly elbowed him in the ribs.

“OW!” Chris exclaimed. His eyes went wide with realization. “Oh! I mean, ‘I did!’”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “How did you pass that test?! You used to throw up in during high school precalculus tests!”

“Well, you know what they say, Dan…” Chris began with a smug expression on his face. “Behind every great man, there’s a great woman with multiple PhD’s and who is also a master of sleight-of-hand.”

Elise chuckled nervously.

“FINE! Whatever!” Dan cried. “We’re members now. Can we get whatever celebration or ceremony stuff out of the way so we can go home? ‘Cause this has taken like forever and I have nails to paint!”

Melchior held up a hand. “There’s just one more thing that needs to be taken care of.”

“Oh, come on!” Dan cried.

Pinkie cupped her hands around her mouth. “BOOOOO!”

“See!” Dan cried as he motioned to Pinkie. “Even Pinkie wants to go home! And she loves pretty much everything.”

Elise chuckled. “Yeah… Even you.”

Dan scowled at Elise. “Who led his team to total victory over the deadly tests?”

Elise frowned. “Don’t act smug. You were willing to sacrifice a few people going into this!”

“And yet they all lived!” Dan exclaimed. “Can’t I get some acknowledgement here?!”

Without warning, Pinkie placed a hand on either side of Dan’s head and pressed her lips against his.

“MMMMuah!”

“Nice work, sir!” Sarge said as he saluted.

“You go, boss man!” Crunchy exclaimed.

“Hurray, Dan!” D.H. cried.

Dan smiled as Pinkie parted her lips and rubbed her nose against his affectionately.

“That’s more like it!” Dan said happily.

Caspar held up his hands. “Look, just one tiny thing and we can wrap this up.”

Dan and Pinkie let out an exasperated sigh. “Fine!” the both huffed out.

Lights high above the three council members suddenly switched off, obscuring them in darkness. Another light turned on lighting the area behind them, where a familiar woman with blond hair and Southern California-tanned skin stood tall wearing a light blue waitress outfit. She rested her palms on the top of a katana with a white braid over the handle and a white scabbard.

“Hello Pink girl,” the woman said with a wicked grin.

Pinkie face lit up. “Oh! Hiya, Helen! How’s it go—”

Helen pointed her katana at Pinkie. “Let’s finish this.”

Pinkie sighed and hung her head. “Ah, nerts…”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 129 Pinkie Vs. Helen

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 129 Pinkie Vs. Helen

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Chapter 129 Pinkie Vs. Helen

-ooooooo-

Dan glared up at the waitress, who was clearly present to fight Pinkie. “Oh, give it up already! You already fought and she gave you a total and horrendous beat—”

Pinkie gently placed a palm on Dan’s shoulder. “Dan, sweetums?”

Dan immediately shifted his attention towards Pinkie. “NO! No pet names! You only—”

Pinkie placed a finger over Dan’s mouth. “I got this,” she said with a smile.

Dan protested, “But—”

“I’ll work this out, alright?” Pinkie said, her expression uncharacteristically serious. “You’ve done plenty for me today, but Helen is after me. I’ll figure this out.”

Dan pursed his lips into a tight frown as he want quiet briefly. “… Alright, fine… Just be careful.”

“Don’t worry!” Pinkie said in a chipper tone. “I’ll be fine!” she insisted.

From high above the group of bakers, Helen focused her eyes on Pinkie. “Touching…” she said. Her wicked smile quickly shifted to a serious scowl as she pointed her sheathed katana at Pinkie. “However, you and I have unfinished business!”

 “Do we? Do we really Helen? Can’t our business be finished?! I said I was sorry!”

Helen scowled at Pinkie. “You think a simple apology is enough for all the torment you inflicted on me?”

“I OFFERED YOU MONEY!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I’m trying to be reasonable here! I mean, sure I harassed you and maybe put you in the hospital once or twice! I can see you got the bad end of the deal! I know I screwed up and took things too far with you, and I’m still sorry! But I never tried to kill you! There’s got to be some other solution here besides us crossing sharp implements again!”

“There really isn’t.”

Pinkie let out an exasperated sigh. “Hey, funny old guys, you there?”

“WHAT?!” Melchior cried out. “How dare—”

Caspar interrupted, “Oh, keep your robes on, she was paying us a compliment!”

There was a pause before Melchior replied, “… What if I don’t want to be found funny?”

“Well now,” Balthazar spoke up, “that sounds like a personal problem.”

From the darkness came two voices laughing as a low, unhappy grumble could be heard alongside them.

“Alright, enough fun and games,” Balthazar said. “What is your question, young lady?”

“I thought if I became a member I didn’t have to deal with all these killings and stuff! What gives?”

Balthazar replied, “Though you are a member now, and no longer have to fear being eliminated in a restaurant by the organization, our esteemed waitress here still has a valid grievance with you.”

Melchior’s voice croaked out, “The rules are very clear here. You two must fight until one of you is unable to continue. Only then will the business between you two be concluded, and your journey to the dark—”

“Melchior,” Caspar said, “you’re getting carried away, again…”

“Right…” Melchior said. “I’m afraid it is your destiny to fight Helen.”

Helen lowered her katana back to a resting position and smirked at Pinkie.

Pinkie sighed heavily. “Can’t we fight with something besides sharp thingies?! I think there’s been enough blood loss for one day! Most of it mine!”

A pained voice moaned from inside the broken obstacle course. “OoOoOoOoOoOoOh…! I think… I think I might be winning there now…”

Balthazar spoke once more, “Can someone help that man please?”

“Leave him!” Melchior commanded. “He’s a failure and deserves his fate!”

The thin-nosed man whimpered from the inside the obstacle course.

Caspar chimed in, “Actually, I think he did quite well all things considering. At the very least he was very entertaining to watch!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as she stared up into the darkness. “Can we help him please? He tried really hard to understand the menu!”

“Truthfully,” Balthazar said, “he was proposing pretending to not understand it and be indecisive as per our orders. It usually irritates potential members and adds to their frustration.”

Caspar chuckled. “Hehehehe… But none of our potential members were willing to try so many different and inventive ways to explain their food options.”

“Oh!” Pinkie said in surprise. She smiled. “Well, he did really good there too! I think he deserves not to bleed to death! And even pain killers and a hospital trip, even!”

“Very well…” Melchior said in a slightly begrudged tone. “However, I want him to have nightmares over this day and be haunted by it for the rest of his life!”

“… I’m pretty sure I already will…” the man called out.

“NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” Melchior croaked out loudly. “WE WILL ENSURE YOUR COMPLETE MENTAL ANGUISH!” There was another brief pause. “… FAT ONE! YOU WILL ASSIST OUR DISGRACED MEMBER.”

Everyone turned towards Wally.

“Hey!” Wally protested. “How do you know he’s talking about me?!”

The group flashed Wally a mixture of sideways glances and raised eyebrows.

Wally sighed. “You’re just all lucky I need you all to run the bakery…” he muttered darkly to himself.

“And take that item with you,” Melchior added.

The group looked about with confused expressions.

“Uh, Melchior?” Caspar said. “We’re still completely surrounded by darkness. No one can see what you’re pointing—”

“THE ITEM OF HORROR THE PINK ONE WAS USING TO TORMENT THE MAN WITH.”

Pinkie looked about. “What the heck are you talking about?! There’s nothing like that here!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “He means your freaky skull puppet with all the pointy teeth, genius.”

“Uh… you know what?” the thin-nosed man called out. “I think I’m good.”

“YOUR DESIRES MATTER FOR VERY LITTLE!” Melchior hissed out.

“Mr. Bonesy’s an item of horror?!” Pinkie cried in disbelief as she quickly produced the skull puppet and stared. “No!”

Dan lifted an eyebrow. “It’s made out of a skull, shark teeth, your own used bandages, and a ripped paper bag!” Dan cried. “It’s almost as if you intentionally found a bunch of bad and mildly unsettling things and purposely arranged them in the most horrifying manner you could think of!”

“Well… I guess I kind of did do all that…” Pinkie said. “But only because I wanted to show puppets were harmless no matter what they looked like!”

“What about Chucky?!” Dan retorted.

“He’s not a puppet!” Becky cried. “He’s a doll!”

Dan frowned. “Dang! She’s absolutely right! Fine! Scarface!”

Chris spoke up, “Dan! As weird and inhuman as you think Al Pacino looks, he’s still not a puppet!”

Dan wheeled on Chris and screamed at him angrily, “THAT’S NOT WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT, YOU MORON!”

Becky chimed in, “He means the Batman villain, dude.”

“See!” Dan said motioning to Becky. “Becky knows what’s up!”

“Oooo!” Pinkie cried. “Oooooooooo! Still… Scarface by himself is harmless! It’s the ventriloquist with split personality disorder that makes him a threat!”

Dan grumbled irritably and thought again. “… The puppets from Puppet Master!”

Pinkie furrowed her brow. “What?! They’re usually good guys! I mean they almost only attack people who deserve it, and when there’s an exception it’s often because puppet master demanded it!”

“Ah-ha!” Dan said with a toothy smile as he raised an index finger. “You had to qualify that on several conditions!”

“He’s got a point,” Becky said as she motioned to Dan. “I mean, it’s pretty hard to argue the puppets as being wholly benign, even to non-evil people.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Chris said. “I think there might be something to Pinkie’s claim about the puppet’s master—”

Melchior’s voice boomed out once more. “…. NEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!”

“Wait, what?” the four debating people below said in unison.

Helen gritted her teeth. “Are we going to get on with this?! How long do I have to stand here posing?!”

 Dan folded his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry, but ‘quick and direct resolutions’ is not how we do things… at all!”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yeah, we have way more bizarre banter to get through before we actually accomplish anything!”

Helen sighed heavily and sat down, crossing her legs over each other and resting her katana on her lap. “Fine, but I’m not going to pose that entire time.”

“Whatever!” Dan snapped back. “No one actually cares!”

Crunchy spoke up, “Uh… does anyone actually remember what we were talking about?”

“I remember!” Caspar called out. “The one in the cloak and glasses was to assist our insured friend and get him to medical attention.”

“And traumatize him further,” Melchior added. “Don’t forget that.”

“… Do I have to?” Wally asked.

Dan took the puppet from Pinkie and walked it over to Wally. “Oh please, like you were doing anything anyways!”

Wally scowled out at Dan from under his hood and behind the glasses and snatched the skull. He trudged off towards the hallway full of mostly broken traps mumbling to himself, “…blow up the bakery with everyone inside… ”

The group watched as Wally walked into the hallway before they all turned back up into the darkness where, presumably, the trio of council members were still sitting.

“Anyhow…” Pinkie said, “do we have to fight with swords?!” Pinkie asked. “Can’t we fight with pillows, or harsh language… Ooooo! Ooooo! Or whipped cream even!”

Gibson raised a hand. “I second a battle with whipped cream!”

Amber sighed heavily. “Seriously, don’t you have an off switch?”

“I’m sixteen!” Gibson cried as he flung his hands out to his sides.

“I get that!” Amber replied. “But you’re bad even for a sixteen year old!”

“How many sixteen year old guys do you know work at a bakery with a bunch of hotties with little to no regard for covering themselves if the temperature hits the lower 90s?”

Amber paused and thought about this briefly. “Uhhh… Alright, I suppose you have something of a point…”

The group paused as a terrified scream cut through the air.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Sorry,” Wally said, “but my clothes caught fire and this was the only thing that would fit! Also, you’ll have to carry the skull. I can’t haul you to safety and carry this gross puppet thing.”

The thin-nosed man responded by sobbing hysterically.

Wally sighed. “Yeah, you’re welcome! Jerk…”

The group turned back up as Balthazar addressed Pinkie’s question, “As a secret order of food industry workers, all duels must be conducted with tools used in the kitchen.”

Pinkie frowned.  “Wait… I’m not going to pretend I’m the spinniest egg beater in the kitchen or anything, but who the heck uses a sword in the kitchen?!”

Ninja Dave and Elise chuckled nervously to themselves.

The group paused and stared at them.

“What… seriously?” Dan asked as he cocked an eyebrow.

Chris sighed and shook his head. “Elise has cut roasts and things right in front of me with her sword.”

“Wow… that seems… grossly irresponsible…” Amber said. “I mean… not that I’m terribly surprised or anything…”

“What?!” Elise protested. “When you carry a giant knife on you everywhere you go, you find uses for it!”

“I know, right?” Ninja Dave chimed in. “I mean… Why go hunting for a knife when you basically already have one on you?!”

“Exactly!” Elise exclaimed.

Becky looked over the two sword wielders with a questioning expression. “Aren’t you two breaking some sort of sacred sword code or something?”

Ninja Dave and Elise exchanged a quick glance.

“My entire Ninja clan is dead,” Ninja Dave pointed out, “so it’s not like anyone can really bug me on that.”

“My sword training was pretty practical and not very philosophical, I’m afraid…” Elise chimed in.

Dan shook his head. “I can’t believe you two walk around with those things and break them out when you’re too lazy to walk over and open the knife drawer!”

Elise knitted her brow and stared at Dan as she produced her still sheathed ninjatō. “Hey, you carry one of these around with you all the time and see if you break down and use it for menial tasks!”

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “Maybe I will!”

Ninja Dave shook his head. “Trust me! After a few months it just sort of feels like carrying a giant Swiss army knife around!”

“Alright, fine!” Pinkie huffed out. “I guess we’ll fight with swords or whatever!”

“Really?” Caspar said in a somewhat disappointed tone. “You don’t want to attack her with an electric hand mixer, or flour sifter?”

“Not if she has a sword!” Pinkie cried. “I want something that’s close to as dangerous as what she has, at least!”

“Are you sure?” Caspar replied. “We have some pretty large and dangerous-looking spatulas down in the kitchen…”

“I’m sure!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Caspar sighed. “Very well…”

Pinkie turned to Dave. “Ninja Davey? Can I borrow your sword?”

Dave frowned. “Do you even know how to use a sword?”

Pinkie smiled. “Sure I do! The pointy end goes in the other person!”

Dave sighed as he produced his ninjatō. “Alright, fine. Just try not to die.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes as she took the ninjatō in her hands. “Don’t worry, Helen’s not even close to the scariest thing I’ve had to fight.”

Everyone around Pinkie and Ninja Dave looked at Pinkie in sur—

‘SLAP!’

“OW!” Gibson exclaimed.

“STOP STARING AT D.H.!” Amber cried. “D.H.! Put your clothes back on!”

“But it’s so hot in here!” D.H. protested.

“I know, right?” Crunchy said.

Amber gave a heavy sigh.

Dan stared at Pinkie with an expression of deep concern. “Are you sure about this?”

 Pinkie frowned. “Well, I don’t have a lot of choice, do I?”

“I guess not…” Dan replied. “But you seem to have made your peace with skewering Helen rather quickly…”

“Awww, you’re worried about me!” Pinkie said with a smile.

“Can you blame me!?” Dan motioned up towards Helen. “You’re planning to go right up there and stab someone who’s going to try her best to slice you up!”

Elise nodded in agreement. “I’m with Dan… I’m not sure what’s more unnerving, that you’re about to walk up to someone who wants to kill you, or that you’re so gung-ho about killing her back!”

Becky nodded. “This does seem oddly bloodthirsty of you…”

“What?” Pinkie replied. “I killed vampires and stabbed a wendigo in the heart with a chain-saw before!”

Elise frowned. “Well… people feel different… I’m guessing… I mean… to people who don’t kill people routinely, it probably feels different…”

“Beautiful?” Chris said. “Maybe you aren’t the best one to talk to Pinkie about this.”

Elise sighed. “I’ll be quiet now…”

“As dark and weird as she’s being,” Dan began, “Elise has a point. Especially since you weren’t very keen on either of us killing someone just after dinner.”

Pinkie paused briefly. “Wowwie-zowwie, that was just after dinner time! It somehow feels way longer than that!”

Dan continued to look at Pinkie with concern. “Are you sure you’re not going to go all straight-haired and murder happy here?”

Pinkie chuckled and shook her head. “No, of course not! I’ll be fine!”

Dan’s look of concern changed to a frown. “Are you sure? Because you’ve been acting—”

Pinkie suddenly tilted her head down and placed her lips against Dan’s. She wrapped her arms around Dan’s neck and embraced him tightly as she kissed him passionately.

Dan’s eyes widened slightly as he was momentarily caught off guard, but he quickly relaxed and wrapped his arms around Pinkie’s torso as he reciprocated the deep kiss.

The two stood their briefly locked in a tight embrace as their lips were similarly locked together.

Pinkie parted her lips from Dan’s and tilted her head. She smiled warmly at him as she leaned her forehead against his. “Thanks for being scared for me, but I’ll be fine. Trust me,” she said.

Dan nodded, a serious expression still on his face. “Alright, I do… just be sure to take care of yourself during this rare occasion when I can’t do it for you.”

“I will, Dan,” Pinkie said as she gave Dan one more quick hug before parting.

Pinkie turned and began walking up the long flight of stairs towards Helen.

Helen smiled and stood back up. Once again resting her palms against her katana as she looked down at Pinkie.

“It’s about time you come to meet your death,” Helen said as her smile turned into a wicked grin.

Pinkie rolled her eyes as she continued walking up, Ninja Dave’s sheathed ninjatō held in the scabbard in her left hand. “Seriously? I mean… last time we fought you didn’t exactly do all that well…”

Helen scowled out at Pinkie with a determined expression. “Ever since our last fight, I’ve thought of nothing but seeing you come to an end. I’ve spent every waking moment since then preparing for the opportunity to take you out should I have to do it myself…”

Pinkie simply blinked a few times as she made it to the top of the platform. She walked into the shadows as she approached, slowly encroaching on the lit up area Helen stood in the middle of. “I… uh… alright, but it’s only been like a few weeks—Oof!” Pinkie stopped as she ran into something in the darkness. “Sorry… its pitch black over here! Who’d I run into?”

“I am the darkness…” Melchior’s voice croaked out.

“Whoopsie! Sorry Mr. Guy-who’s-scary-beyond-all-reason!”

“Oh, don’t encourage him,” Caspar called out. “Just get started with your grizzly sword fight.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie continued walking towards Helen. “Now where was I?” she asked no one in particular as she glanced up and tapped an index finger against her chin.

Balthazar spoke up. “You were saying something about ‘only a few weeks’.”

“Right!” Pinkie exclaimed. She looked back at Helen as she stepped out of the dimness and into the light. As she reached the light she noticed more stairs on the other sides of the platform, descending into more darkness.

Pinkie continued, “It’s only been three or four weeks since I saw you last. I mean… how much better do you really think you are?”

Helen gritted her teeth. “I’ve had enough of you mocking me!” Helen quickly placed her katana against her waist. She held the scabbard in one hand and quickly pulled the blade out, striking at Pinkie in one swift movement. “Die!”

Pinkie quickly drew her sword and placed the blade in front of her and Helen’s razor sharp edge, blocking her blade with a resounding ‘Klachink!’

Helen smirked. “Heh, Beginners lu—”

Before Helen could swing again, Pinkie shifted the scabbard in her hand she was wielding it like a club and struck Helen in the forehead. ‘THWACK!’

Helen swayed slightly, trying to keep her balance as she dizzily finished her sentence. “—uUuUuUuUuUuk…” She shook her head as if to clear it. “Oh, you’re in for…” Helen paused as she stared out into open space in front of her. “Hey where’d you g—”

‘THWACK!’

From behind Helen, Pinkie struck another blow with the scabbard, striking the top of her head.

“OW! WHAAAAA!” Helen cried out in alarm as Pinkie pushed her from behind. Dazed from the previous attack, Helen stumbled and toppled forward down the long flight of stairs.

“AHH!”

‘Thump!’

“Have a nice fall! See you next trip!” Pinkie said cheerfully as Helen tumbled down the stone steps.

“OW!”

‘Thud!’

 “YOU GOT THAT BACKWARDS, GOOFBALL!” Dan shouted up.

“OUCH!”

‘Bang!’

“Ooops…” Pinkie replied. “I think I need to lay down after this… I’m feeling pretty light-headed…”

“AERG!”

‘Crash!’

After a short time, the sounds of a body falling down solid stairs accompanied by pained cries stop.

Pinkie turned and sheathed her sword. “Welp, I think that about wraps that, up! Let’s all—”

“WAIT!”

Pinkie sighed and slumped her shoulders as she heard Helen cry from far below.

Pinkie turned and leaned her head down over the platform. “Seriously?!” she cried. “You fell down like a zillion stairs just now! You can’t possibly want to come back up here and sword fight!”

“I can… huff… puff… still fight!” Helen shouted up. “This isn’t over!”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “FINE! But if you come back up here, I’m just going to push you down the stairs again!”

“Oh, I am a swirling storm of anger and vengeance!” Helen cried. “I will come up there and I will have your head! There’s no way me falling down the stairs will happen again!”

-o~ Several attempts on Pinkie’s life later…~o-

“AAAAAAAH!”

‘THUD!’

“IT KEEPS HAPPENING!” Helen cried.

Pinkie sighed. “I warned you about stairs! I told you!”

‘ACK!’

‘Thump!’

Pinkie shook her head as she listened to Helen fall down the stairs again. She turned towards the darkened area on the platform. “Can I go now? This is taking, like, forever…”

 “Wait!” Helen cried. “I can still fight… I just… I just need to relocate my shoulder… and then use that arm to relocate my other shoulder… oh, wait…”

Suddenly the light above the three old men came to life. Balthazar and Caspar sat staring at Pinkie with bored expressions on their faces, both of them resting an elbow on their arm rests and their face against a palm. Melchior’s expression was hidden by his cloak, his head hanging limply as he slumped in his chair.

 “I believe I have seen enough,” Balthazar said.

Caspar yawned and stretched his arms. “Yes, me too… And it’s getting really late…”

“WHAT?! NO!” Helen protested. “I will have my revenge… Just as soon as the room stops spinning!”

Caspar looked over to the cloaked figure. “What do you think, Melchior?”

Melchior responded by making a phlegmy snoring sound. “SNOCHCHCH!”

“Melchior! Wake up!” Caspar cried.

“I...wha… wha…” Melchior paused slightly then cried. “HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY MEDITATION?! I was becoming one with the darkness!”

Caspar rolled his eyes. “You were snoring!”

“That’s what the sound of becoming one with the darkness sounds like!” Melchior insisted.

“Oh, fine...” Balthazar replied. “We’re tired of watching Pinkie here knock Helen down the stairs. It sort of stopped being funny around the third time.”

“Very well…” Melchior. “I declare Pinkie victorious! No longer does she have to fear reprisal from Helen or N.A.R.F.!”

“YAY!” Pinkie cried as she suddenly leapt forward and wrapped her arms around Melchior. “Thanks Mr. Scary Trousers… erm… Robes…”

Melchior uttered a confused sounding “Uhhhh…” and slowly brought his arms around Pinkie’s back, patting it lightly. “You’re welcome…”

“GROUP HUG!” Pinkie declared.

“WHAT?!” Melchior cried. “NO!”

Without hesitation, Balthazar and Caspar quickly threw their arms around Melchior and Pinkie.

Melchior grumbled irritably.

The chorus of footsteps were heard as the group of bakers and friends walked up the steps.

Dan cleared his throat as he stared at the mass of hugging people. “I’m very happy you’re alright, and surprisingly happy you’re not a killer, but can we go home now?”

“Who wants to get in on the hug party?!” Pinkie cried.

Dan sighed heavily.

“Oh! Me! Me!” D.H. cried as she joined in the hug.

Gibson’s face lit up. “I want to join the—”

“No!” Amber said sternly.

“But—!”

“NO!”

Gibson sighed.

“Awww, feel the love everyone!” Crunchy cried as he joined in the group hug.

Sarge smiled as he walked forward and put his one good arm around as many people as he could.

“… There’s a half-naked hippy touching me,” Melchior uttered.

Caspar frowned. “Yeah, that’s enough hugging for one day…”

“Oh, I think we can go for a little longer,” Balthazar said.

“Me, too!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Dan narrowed his eyes and held up his index finger as he began to speak in protest. “Now wait just a—”

“I WILL SERIOUSLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND STAB YOU TO DEATH!” Helen cried from far below the group.

“Uhg… nevermind~!” Pinkie said in an annoyed sing-song voice. She turned in the general direction of Helen’s voice. “Some people are very rude and like you spoil moments! You Spoily-Sophie, you!”

The group parted and walked down the steps towards the double door entrance of the large chamber

Helen’s angry cries called out into the cavernous, underground area, “Oh! Just you wait!” she cried out. “I’m not done! Either with help or alone, I will hunt you down and I will have my vengeance! You will regret not finishing me off when you—”

The lights suddenly went dark as a deep, resounding ‘THOMB!’ echoed in the darkness…

“Uh… Hello?”

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Epilogue

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.

Epilogue

-ooooooo-

“So really...” Dan said in an irritated tone. “No one thought to get into another elevator?!”

Becky spoke up, “It’s not like you thought of it either, dude!”

The group found themselves once again crammed into what seemed to be the slowest elevator on the planet as it slowly raised up to the surface. This time however, each member of the group found themselves face to face with someone else of their ranks.

“It’s okay Dan!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she stood firmly pressed against Dan. “Look at the bright side!”

“…”

“…”

“… AND THAT IS?!” Dan snapped.

“And what is?” Pinkie replied.

“What’s the bright side of this situation?!” Dan cried.

Pinkie stared blankly at Dan. “Oh, I didn’t have a follow up or anything, I was just suggesting to keep a positive attitude!”

Dan’s eye began to twitch as he stared at Pinkie angrily.

“No wait! I got it!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Your hands are firmly on my butt!” Pinkie said with a grin.

Dan’s angry expression quickly changed into a toothy smile. “Okay yeah, that is pretty great!”

Chris shook his head. “I can’t believe you even suggested the butt buddy system…”

“Look!” Dan cried. “It was either we bring order and stability to this elevator ride full of butt touching, or we all die in a tragic and probably avoidable elevator fire.”

Chris looked down at Elise and smiled. “Oh, I wasn’t complaining.”

Elise looked up at Chris and smiled.

Chris turned towards Dan and continued, “I just can’t believe you suggested it.”

“Hey,” Dan said, “this way we get to ride without rampant, unchecked butt touching.”

“You’re brilliant, boss man!” Crunchy said happily as he stood pressed against D.H.

“Hurray for butt buddies!” D.H. cried.

Ninja Dave smiled at Becky who was pressed firmly against him and the elevator wall behind her.

“I know I’m happy with my butt buddy!” Ninja Dave said.

Becky looked up at Dave and grinned mischievously. “I’m just happy we made it out without anything bad happening to—”

Dave quickly leaned down and placed his lips against Becky’s. Becky’s eyes widened slightly but she soon leaned into the kiss.

Dave leaned back, separating his lips from Becky’s. “Nice try,” he said with a wry grin.

Becky grinned. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I just won for losing.”

From across the elevator, Pinkie emitted a high-pitched exclamation of exuberance. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“Ow…” Dan exclaimed. “Goofball, I know you’re excited, but can we keep the octaves below what’s used to torture dogs?”

“Oops… Sorry, Dan!” Pinkie said. She grinned. “It’s just… everybody’s happy!”

“…I’m not happy,” Amber uttered.

“Right… well… Amber isn’t,” Pinkie said.

“Oh, don’t tell me Amber is upset!” Dan exclaimed as he rolled his eyes. “Shock and alarm! And you’re normally a bag full of sunshine, too!”

Pinkie glanced over at Amber. “You are setting some sort of longest running Debbie-downer record over there!”

Amber scowled out at Dan and Pinkie. “There’s a sixteen-year-old with his hands firmly placed on my butt and I can’t decide if I want whatever is poking me in the thigh to be a gun or not!”

Gibson smiled. “It was the puppy dog face, wasn’t it? I told you I had an awesome puppy dog face!”

Amber scowled down at Gibson. “Actually, it was the pathetic sobbing.”

“Hey! It worked, didn’t it? I mean, you felt sorry for me, right?”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Actually, I just couldn’t take that obnoxious, high-pitched wail, and figured a few minutes with your hands on my posterior would be far more tolerable than that noise in my ear.”

“Way to go, Amber!” Pinkie cried. “Way to take one for the team!”

Gibson smiled. “But you also get to touch my butt.”

Amber sighed heavily. “‘Have to’ would be more accurate…”

 Dan grumbled irritably. “Anyone else want to moan about their butt buddy? Wally? You like to complain!”

Face to face with Sarge, Wally glanced past the large muscular man and smiled. “Actually, I’m just happy to be included.”

“Oh…” Dan said. “Well then…”  He smiled as he looked over the elevator occupants. “You know what? For once you band of crazy, barely functional psychos pulled through! Pinkie’s alive—”

“And how!” Pinkie cried cheerfully.

“— I get to spend the rest of the evening painting nails —”

“Lucky!” D.H. exclaimed.

“—And I guess that means no one died! Good job not dying, everyone!”

“Whoo-hoo!” Pinkie cried.

“Hurray for living!” D.H. added.

Crunchy smiled. “Congrats, all!”

“That’s it?” Amber asked. “… That’s your congratulatory speech? We participate in excruciating tests, dealt with wild animals, a killer obstacle course, and a room full of obnoxious customers and all we get is ‘congratulations for living’?”

“Gee Amber,” Wally said, “you really are a downer these days.”

The elevator erupted into a healthy chorus of laughter.

Amber sighed heavily.

“Speaking of the wild animals,” Elise said as she turned to Chris. “Where did you take those bears to?”

“Oh! Sarge found a nice room for all the animals to be kept in!”

“Yes, sir!” Sarge replied. “We secured all the animals safely away in a large spacious room with plenty of furniture to keep the animals entertained.”

Becky leaned sideways past Ninja Dave and stared at Sarge. “You put all those wild cats and the bears in some random room?”

“Sir, yes sir,” Sarge answered simply.

Chris smiled. “A random, well-furnished room!”

Becky and Elise looked at each other quizzically, shrugged, and uttered dismissive “Huh”s.

-ooooooo-

The trio of council members walked down the hallway, flanked on either side by wooden doors and framed photos of them either sitting with serious expressions or out and about enjoying a recreational activity together.

“Well that was more enjoyable than usual!” Balthazar said.

“Feh,” Melchior responded dismissively. “No one died.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes as Caspar grinned.

“True,” Caspar responded, “but you have to admit this group kept things interesting. Certainly you can appreciate that we have a new large group composed of some very skilled individuals at our disposal?”

“Well, I can’t argue that is a bit of a dark side to this whole evening,” Melchior replied as the group of three stopped in front of one of the doors.

Balthazar raised an eyebrow. “I think you meant ‘bright side’ there.”

Melchior chuckled. “No, I didn’t.”

Balthazar gave out a small sigh as Caspar chuckled.

Caspar reached for opened the door and frowned as a low, warning growl drifted out.

“Grrrrrrrr…”

Balthazar frowned. “The lounge is full of wild animals, isn’t it?”

Still smiling, Caspar closed the door. “The lounge is absolutely full of wild animals.”

“Well, what do we do now?” Melchior asked in an annoyed tone.

‘CRUNCH!’

The trio of council members all jumped slightly away from the door as a bear claw smashed through though the center. Splinters flew out in all directions as the claw grasped out from the new hole, the bear reaching for any of the three men standing in front of the door then retracted its claw.

Caspar threw Balthazar a sideways glance. “You just had to get hollow-core doors for all the rooms.”

“Well how was I supposed to know some group would go and put animals into any of them?!” Balthazar snapped back.

Caspar folded his arms. “You’ve got to expect the unexpected…” Caspar sighed. “And you’re usually so good at thinking outside the—”

‘CRUNCH!’

“GRRRRRROWL!”

The three turned with concern as the claw broke through more of the thin wooden door and the claw extended out farther this time, the wood around the initial hole.

Caspar turned to Balthazar. “Race you to the cupboards,” he said with an oddly excited-looking grin.

Balthazar gave the door a serious look as he began taking off his robes. He stood up straight, seemingly growing a foot in height as his clothing fell away revealing a well-toned, muscular body and green shorts with a gold trim.

 “No…” Balthazar said. “I think I’m going to show this bear who keeps the peace down here.”

“Suit yourself,” Caspar said with a shrug. He turned. “Melchior?” Caspar frowned as he witnessed Melchior already halfway down the hallway and running away.

 “Hey! No cheating!” Caspar cried as he sprinted after him.

“Fortune favors the bold!” Melchior shouted.

“I don’t know if that even applies!” Caspar shot back.

-ooooooo-

Gibson smiled as he stared at the woman across from him in the driver’s seat of the car they shared. Past her through her window was a two-story tall adobe house.

“Well, I’m home,” Gibson said to the woman, dropping his voice a few octaves, “but that doesn’t mean I have to go in right away.” He waggled his eyebrows up and down for added effect.

Much to Gibson’s surprise, Amber suddenly leaned over placing one hand on the transmission hump on the car and the other down by his waist.

Amber flashed Gibson a quick smile, but the glint in her eyes made it seem anything but pleasant. “Gibson? You know gun accidents are the third-leading cause of injury-related death in the US?” She said, pulling up a rectangular pistol by the handle and simply holding it in her hand.

Gibson swallowed. “Alright, no goodnight kiss then… Just leave the safety on please.”

Amber blinked a few times and stared at the gun. “The safety’s on?”

Gibson nodded. “It’s the little fins on the back… you flip them down to turn the safety off.”

Amber looked at the gun thoughtfully and handed the gun to Gibson.

“You’re letting me keep it?” Gibson asked in a surprised tone as he reached for the weapon.

Amber nodded. “Sounds like you have a better idea what to do with it.”

Gibson chuckled. “Oh, I never play with guns. Just the hearts of beautiful girls.”

“You know what? Give me the gun back.”

“I’m going, I’m going!” Gibson said as he placed the gun back in his waistband and got out of the car. Before he closed the door he leaned in. “So… see you at work?”

Amber’s lips pulled up in the barest hints of a genuine smile. “See you at work.”

Gibson closed his door and Amber sped off in her light-blue sedan.

Gibson turned to his house and sighed. “… And here’s where I’m grounded for life…” He trudged up to the door of the house, fished out a set of keys from his jeans, and unlocked the front door. Gibson stepped in announcing a half-hearted, “Uh… Hey… I’m back and not dead or wasted on drugs or alcohol or anything…”to a dark room.

“Uh… Hi, Gibson,” Chip said sheepishly.

“Hi, Honey! Don’tturnonthelight!” Love Tap said.

His fingers millimeters from flicking the light switch, Gibson immediately froze it in place. He caught a glimpse of glowing bands in the darkness as well as the silhouettes of his parents heads poking up from the front of a couch.

Gibson lowered his hand from the light switch. “I’m just going to believe you two are throwing some sort of very dark rave in the living room…”

“That would be best…” Love Tap said.

“… Gibson,” Chip said, “why the heck do you have a pistol in your waistband?”

“WHAT?!” Love Tap cried.

Gibson looked down at the handle of a gun sticking out of his jeans waistband. “Uh… How about we do each other a favor and not ask any questions about what we did tonight…” he suggested.

“Sorry,” Love Tap said, “it doesn’t work that way… Did you kill anyone?”

“No, mom.”

“Are you going to kill anyone?”

“No, probably not… Well… I guess it depends on if I get any orders, or something… ”

“Wait, WHAT?!” Chip cried. “Did you join a gang?”

“Uh… more like a shadowy group of foodservice workers…”

“Oh! The N.A.R.F.,” Love Tap exclaimed. There was a brief pause before Love Tap began shouting, “…WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS SOONER?! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!”

“Sorry!” Gibson cried. “Pinkie’s life was in danger and everyone in the bakery just kind of got swept into it! We all lived through… ”

“Wait…” Chip said. “How do you even know about this?!”

“Oh, I joined back when I was working part time as a line chef!” Love Tap said.

 There was a brief pause.

“… Did you have to kill anyone?” Gibson asked.

There was yet another pause. “Hey! Here’s an idea,” Love Tap said. “Let’s talk about how grounded you are for participating in a life-threatening test.”

“Wait…” Chip cried, “are you dodging the question!?”

“I er… uh…”

“Mom?” A young voice called out. “Did you rescue Gibson from that Corp yet?”

“Uh… Of course, Button!” Love Tap said sweetly.

“… What?” Gibson said flatly.

“Gibson!” Button said excitedly from the bottom of a set of stairs. “You haven’t been brainwashed and used as some sort of battery for an evil hover-squid robot!”

“Uh…” Gibson replied, “I think you just mixed sci-fi settings, squirt…”

“Uh, Gibson, sweetie?” Love Tap called out. “Could you take Button back up to bed? Mommy and Daddy are a bit busy, uh…”

“Rekindling the firewall,” Chip suggested.

“Yeah! That!” Love Tap cried.

“… How not grounded am I for putting Button back to bed?”

“WHAT?!” Love Tap cried. “I don’t think taking your little brother upstairs makes up for the potential life-or-death situation you put yourself in!”

“Wow!” Button exclaimed. “Sounds like that Corp was tough!”

Gibson replied to his mother, “And just how unable are you to move from that spot until Button and I leave?”

There was a pause.

“…Alright, fine, you’re not grounded, but we are so talking about N.A.R.F. and this gun thing in the morning!”

“Deal!” Gibson replied.

“And put that gun somewhere safe and out of the way!” Love Tap cried. “You are not coming home from a series of deadly tests just to do something stupid like accidentally shoot yourself!”

“Alright, mom!” Gibson said back.

Gibson walked up to Button. Button smiled up at his brother and turned to walk up the stairs as Gibson got up alongside him and placed his arm on Button’s back.

“So was N.A.R.F. the name of the Corp?” Button asked.

“Absolutely,” Gibson replied.

“And you have a gun because you had to shoot your way out?”

“Totally,” Gibson said with a smile.

“Wow Gibson!” Button said. “You’re like the coolest person ever!”

“Heh, thanks squirt,” Gibson said as he smiled slightly to himself. “Thanks…”

-ooooo-

“… Hello?” Helen cried out in the pitch black darkness. “Balthazar? Caspar…? Melchior… are you there becoming one with the darkness?”

“…”

Helen let out a heavy sigh. “… Pinkie?”

Silence was her only answer.

“Great, just great…” Helen uttered to herself. “I’ve got two dislocated shoulders. My body feels like one giant bruise… I think I have a concussion and I’m stuck here in the dark until someone comes and gets me!”

“Oh, whine, whine, whine.”

Helen flinched slightly as she heard a feminine voice in the darkness.

The voice continued, “So you got beat up and left to pass out in the dark at the bottom of some stone stairs you fell down a bunch of times. I got dumped and left to die of hypothermia in the dark! Beat that!”

“Huh?! Who’s there?!”

“Ha!” The voice cried derisively. “You can’t, can you?”

“Hey!” Helen cried out in irritation. “Pinkie harassed me over the course of months! She shot me with a weaponized pancake launcher, for crying-out-loud!”

A flashlight suddenly turned on in the darkness, illuminating a woman’s face framed by red and yellow hair. The woman narrowed turquoise-colored eyes. “Dumped… by my boyfriend while I was in freezing water!”

“Pinkie once held me in place so her big friend could punch me in the face when they drank, like… 20 bottles of syrup.”

The woman sneered. “…And Pinkie beat me at the thing I was best at!”

Another woman’s voice called sounded out in the darkness, “Oh, give it a rest, Sunset! It’s not a competition.”

“No one frickin’ asked you!” Sunset snapped.

The other woman giggled. “The way you go on you’d think that girl burnt your house down with all your pets inside, or something.”

Sunset glared off into the darkness. “Trixie, don’t make me hurt you.”

“She does have a tendency to wail quite a bit, that one, doesn’t she?”

“Oh don’t you start too, fairy girl!” Sunset said harshly as her eyes darted another direction. “I don’t care how magic you are! I’ll Doomtrain Suplex your magic face right into the ground!”

“My, my,” the ‘fairy girl’ responded, “someone sure sounds like they took a bite of cereal after someone relieved themselves in the bowl.”

Trixie giggled. “That was actually a little nicer than what I was going to suggest…”

“Just how many people are down here, anyhow?!” Helen cried.

A masculine chuckle cut through the darkness. “As cathartic as I’m sure this all is, why don’t you girls light things up so our potential member can see us all?”

As soon as the voice finished speaking a couple of lights lit up the area. A magician’s wand began to glow, and illuminate the area around it. The wand was held by a woman with silvery-blue hair wearing a dark blue body-suit that hugged her torso, fishnet stockings, black high-heels, a purple cape covered with blue and yellow stars, and a large, pointed hat with the same design as the cape.

From the woman’s left, Sunset turned off her flashlight. She was wearing a leather jacket over a magenta top with a sun-motif on the front, an orange skirt with a yellow and magenta stripe going down the side, and large black boots with purple flames on the front.

On the other side of Sunset was a woman with long, flowing red hair, and an elegant green dress. She held up a finger that glowed softly providing more light.

Finally, a short man with a well-kept black hair, a triangular soul-patch, blue button-up shirt, and jeans smiled at Helen.

Sunset looked down and grinned. “Sunset Shimmer,” she said simply. Sunset looked down with a devilish smiled. “I’d shake your hand, but it looks like you’re having a little trouble with your arms there.”

Helen attempted to right herself. She gritted her teeth and let out a few pained sounding grunts as she attempted to lift herself despite her dislocated shoulders. With one last exasperated huff, she slumped back down to the ground. She blew a frustrated gust of air up at her blond bangs in response.

Sunset smiled. “Though I got to admit, you’re pretty coherent for someone with two dislocated shoulders…”

“Pure rage and anger is keeping me sharp,” Helen quipped.

Sunset nodded. “I think the last person I saw with two dislocated shoulders was the same… It didn’t help her at all, either.”

Helen growled at Sunset in irritation.

The man shook his head. “You sure know now to make an impression on people.”

Sunset smiled at him. “It’s what I’m here for.”

Trixie smiled wide. “Well, though I’m sure no introduction is necessary,”—she motioned to herself dramatically and announced even more dramatically—“Iam the Grrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie!”

“Never heard of you,” Helen said as she shook her head.

Trixie slumped her shoulders. “Really?”

Sunset chuckled. “That’s because she’s better known as ‘Magnifico the Magnificent’s latest attractive assistant’.”

Trixie glared at Sunset. “You just had to rain on my parade!”

Sunset smirked. “You’re the one running around like you’re already famous!”

The ‘fairy girl’ chuckled to herself. “You two argue more than most the fae I know… and that’s sayin’ a wee bit.”

Sunset and Trixie merely scowled at her. “Mind your own business,” they cried in unison.

Fairy girl chuckled again. “You two are just lucky I like your cheek, otherwise you’d both be stricken with a horrible curse.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “OoOoOoOoOoOoO~! A fairy curse!” She said derisively. “We’re so scared! You going to make our beds itchy at night with fairy dust?” Trixie grinned and elbowed Sunset. “Sunset, be sarcastic with me, you’re so good at it.”

Sunset cocked an eyebrow. “Fairies can drive you insane and steal your soul and stuff… Let’s not poke the glittery bear too much.”

“What?!” Trixie cried. “Where did you hear this?!”

Sunset sighed. “There’s these things called books, Trixie… Sometimes they have information that isn’t in movies.”

Trixie frowned. “Disney lied to me!” she cried as she clenched her fist.

Sunset smacked a palm against her face. “How can you be magic and not know this?”

Fairy girl chuckled. “You two should be havin’ yer own series or somethin’, yer a laugh riot.”

Sunset and Trixie both exchanged glares before Trixie stuck out her tongue and turned away. Sunset just rolled her eyes.

Fairy girl chuckled again and looked down at Helen. “Well I guess you can jus’ call me ‘Fairy Girl’. I mislike all this runnin’ around jus’ offering up yer true name.”

Sunset shook her head. “Like it’s so hard to figure out…”

Fairy Girl tossed Sunset a sidewise glance. “Aye, well donna be tellin’ the whole world, less I really do curse you.”

“Oooo!” Trixie exclaimed excitedly. “Trixie wants to know her name! Tell me! Tell me!”

Sunset grinned. “I’ll tell you, but it’ll cost you.”

Trixie slumped her shoulders and sighed. “Nevermind…”

Helen’s eyes drifted over to the short man in the group “And how about you?” Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the man. “Wait… You look like—”

Sunset sighed. “Here we go…”

“—You look like that obnoxious pink-haired girl’s boyfriend!”

The Dan lookalike chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve been getting that a lot lately.”

“You could be his brother, even!”

Dan* smiled. “I get that one a lot too. Rest assured that I’m not related to that psychotic maniac.”

Sunset turned towards Dan*. “Was that a bit of the pot calling the kettle black, I just heard?”

Dan* gave a healthy guffaw. “Hahahaha… Oh Sunset, Sunset, if your wit was any sharper, it could cut through solid stone.”

Trixie smiled. “Well too bad for her it can’t. Hence why you needed some grrrrreat and powerful magic to get inside!”

“Speaking of which,” Fairy Girl said as her skin began to change in color to match her dress. “Do ye’ mind hurryin’ this little song and dance along? We’re uninvited and I’m gettin’ a wee bit ill just standin’ around.” She raised a hand up to her temple to steady herself.

 Dan* nodded. “Hmmm… Of course, my superbly dressed comrade.” He turned back to Helen. “The fact of the matter is that Dan and Pinkie have been a thorn a quite a few people’s sides, and I decided to get a group of likeminded people together to put an end to their reign of terror.”

Helen’s face lit up with interest. “You’re going to take out Pinkie and her jerk of a boyfriend?”

Dan* nodded. “That’s the plan! We’re probably even going to take out a few of their friends.” He gave a light chuckle. “I mean, there’s certainly one or more who would miss the short misanthrope and his hyperactive, violence-prone girlfriend and think to channel that grief into aggression.” He grinned. “So that’s why I formed the ‘League Against Pinkie and Dan and Also Needs Chris Erased’.”

Fairy Girl chuckled as Sunset groaned. Trixie looked back and forth between the two with a confused expression.

“What?” Trixie exclaimed. “It’s just sort of really long? Is there something I’m not getting?”

Sunset grumbled to herself. “I’m not even going to dignify it by explaining it!”

Helen looked over the group. “So this is all about taking out Pinkie, her boyfriend, and their friends?”

Dan* nodded. “Oh yes, and you’re perfect for our ranks. Combat-ready, stalwart, angry at one of our targets, and dare I say… a feast for the eyes?”

Sunset rolled her eyes.

“And if I say no?” Helen asked.

Dan just smiled back. “Hmmm, well I guess we just leave and you wait until someone comes along to take you to a hospital…”

Helen narrowed her eyes. “You guys are cold…”

Sunset smirked. “Yeah, we’re not the nicest outfit. I mean… we’re kind of devoted to making the lives of two people miserable before we end them and probably a handful of others.”

“Alright, I’m in!” Helen said. “Anything, to get back at that pink-haired bimbo.”

Dan*’s already smiling lips began to spread apart further as a wicked smile surfaced. “Perfect. Seems the League Against Pinkie and Dan and Also Needs Chris Erased is growing into quite the army!”

Sunset sighed again. “Seriously… that’s a worse name than NARF!”

-ooooo-

Dan smiled to himself as leaned at the foot of his and Pinkie’s bed and admired the light blue shade of nail polish he had just finished applying to Pinkie’s toes. He blew lightly on the nails before he returned the cap to the small bottle of nail polish.

Dan looked down, picked up a furry gray cat, and placed her on the bed. “Didn’t I do a good job, Mr. Mumbles?” he asked.

Mr. Mumbles looked over the nails and gave a happy “Meow” in response.

“Can I look yet?!” Pinkie asked with an excited tone. A purple blindfold was wrapped around her head and over her eyes.

Dan smiled. “You can look now.”

Pinkie quickly reached behind her head and undid a knot at that held the blindfold in place. She quickly whipped it off her face with one hand and brought the other up to her eyes. “Oooooo!” she exclaimed as she admired her own nails. “This is a nice shade.”

Dan smiled. “I thought you might like it.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down as Dan crawled up onto the bed. “Oh, I do, I do, I do!” Pinkie turned and smiled warmly at Dan, stroking his stubble-covered cheek affectionately as he approached her. “But I think what I liked more was you going out and spending time with all our friends!”

Dan grinned as he sat back in the bed next to Pinkie. “Well, okay… It was sort of fun hanging out with a bunch of my minions. Especially since they all proved to be useful in some way or another…” Dan sighed. “I still can’t believe mouthy teen is some sort of math whiz…”

“I can’t believe how great of a human shield Wally is! He was on fire and everything and he was just complaining about being a bit singed afterwards!”

“Yeah, he did do pretty well taking that fiery explosion, didn’t he?” Dan admitted. “Even if he did whine about it afterwards.”

Pinkie giggled. “Maybe I should make him a cake or something, just to show him how much we appreciate him.”

Dan frowned. “Well… I guess being a human shield and having your back set on fire is worth a cake.”

Pinkie continued, “That way he’s less likely to blow us all up!”

Dan put on a ponderous expression. “Huh… Wally does have a little bit of a dark side to him, doesn’t he? Alright, make him a cake. I somehow have grown attached to showing up at work without the fear of being blown up…”

“Sounds like a plan!”

Dan said with a smile as he wrapped an arm around Pinkie and drew her close. Pinkie smiled affectionately at him and snuggled up to him in response.

“Still,” Dan said. “As surprising as it was that I enjoyed spending time with everyone, I think I’m mostly happy just to relax back home… just the three of us.”

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles said happily.

“You mean the four of us~!” Pinkie sang out.

Inside and outside the small Southern California apartment, everything was still and quiet for a brief moment, aside from the quiet hum from ‘Casa Paradisio’s’ neon light sign.

“…Pinkie?”

“Yes, Dan?”

“Please, take the freaky skull puppet out of bed.”

“But—”

“NOW, PINKIE!”

Pinkie sighed. “Fine…”

End Part 14

Thanks for reading!

Part 15 Prelude: Trixie Vs. Pink Haired Girl

Part 15 Prelude: Trixie Vs. Pink Haired Girl

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Prelude

Trixie Vs. Pink-Haired Girl

-ooooooo-

Lit only by a flame that flickered in front of her, a woman sat at the end of a rectangular table, her face obscured by a wide-brimmed, pointed hat which was tilted downward. The hat was a light purple decorated with light-blue and bright-yellow stars and silvery-blue hair cascaded down from it onto a tight, dark-blue body suit made it clear who was sitting at the table.

Trixie tilted her head up just a bit. The shadow of her wide-brimmed hat still obscured her eyes, but a mischievous smirk framed by a pointy chin was now visible. Trixie spoke, “Now imagine if you will… Trixie walking into her favorite coffee shop.” Trixie motioned out with her hands, moved her fingers, and even mimed walking with an index and middle finger.

Sitting next to her, Sunset Shimmer rolled her eyes in the candle light. She lowered a stout, fishbowl-shaped glass full of some amber substance on the table before she uttered an annoyed, “Oh, here we go again…”

“The glass crunched under Trixie’s boots as she walked in. I looked around in shock and horror at what had happened. The large, plate glass window had been shatter—”

Sunset sighed. “Shouldn’t that be ‘She looked around’?”

Trixie raised an index finger and hissed out a harsh sounding “Sssssshhhhh! Trixie is telling the story!”

“Yes, but your ridiculous addressing yourself in the third person is even more intolerable when you’re telling a story because then you begin shifting constantly between first and third!”

“What’s it madder?” Fairy Girl asked from across Sunset Shimmer. “You can follow along just fine, can’tcha?”

Sunset turned to sneer at the redhead across from her. “Oh, don’t encourage her! Her inability to keep what person she’s talking in aside, you and I have both heard this ridiculous story over and over again!” Sunset followed this up by looking Fairy Girl’s outfit up and down. A simple, low-cut baby-blue dress with a skirt that ended right above her knees and hugged her thin frame.

“And what’s with you changing your outfit again?!” Sunset cried. “It’s maddening.”

Fairy Girl raised and took a sip of a drink that looked identical to Sunset’s, then shook her head. “I canna believe ye all don’t get tired of wearin’ the same outfits day in and day out! It’s bad enough ye can’t change your appearances without liberal use of makeup and accessories, but ye really go so far as to wear the same sets of clothin’ everyday? It’s jus’ so borin’!”

“What?!” Sunset protested as she looked over her leather jacket and magenta top with the red and yellow sun motif.  “It’s a good look for me! Why would I change it?”

Trixie’s visible lips scrunched into a frown as the candlelight continued to flicker. “Can we get back to talking about me now?”

Sunset quickly took a sip from her drink then nodded. “Sure! What’s with this stupid candle you light up every time?!” Sunset cried as she motioned to the center of the table with her free hand. “You bring it out everytime you tell the same ridiculous story!”

“Trixie is just setting the mood!” Trixie declared, her voice becoming more stressed and shrill.

“The mood for what?!” Sunset cried. “A ghost story?! A séance?! Are you reaching out to the spirit of your dead and rotting story every time you gather us?!”

Fairy Girl burst into a fit of laughter, going so far as to pound the table with a fist. The candle jumped and flickered slightly with each it hit, but remained in position.

Trixie looked up farther, finally showing frustrated amethyst-colored eyes as she furrowed her brow and tightened the corners of her lips. This gave her the effect of showing disapproval with her entire face. “Fine! If no one wants to hear Trixie’s story, she’ll just—”

“Calm yerself, lassie!” Fairy Girl said as she reached over a slender hand with silver-painted finger nails and placed it on Trixie’s bare arm. “Sunset canna help but wail like a banshee at every little thing that bugs her. I’m sure she dinna mean to make you so upset.”

Sunset rolled her eyes and took another sip of her drink. “Hey Fairy Girl, can you Irish it up a little more? I’m sure the new girl hasn’t figured out where you hail from yet.”

“You see?” Fairy Girl asked as she motioned to Sunset. “Moaning and carryin’ on like so is just how Sunset speaks.”

Trixie’s expression softened a bit as she pursed her lips and looked out with a thoughtful expression. She soon smiled again as she lowered her head, concealing her eyes once more. “Now where was I?”

Sunset sighed heavily. “The stupid broken window.”

Trixie nodded. “Right! The plate glass was shattered! Trixie stared out at the wooden counters on which the cash tills, tip jar, and wrapped snack items sat on. Behind the counter was a board listing columns of the various drinks one could order as well as their prices. I noticed dozens of lamps hanging from the high ceiling with its white, tubular vents and crisscross of small pipes that held the electrical wires for the lamps suspended below. The lamps resembling floating bright alien saucers in between the wooden surface of the hardwood floor covered in its hills and mountains that were actually wood grain chairs and tables. I could smell the sweet aroma of syrups as well as the earthy, but welcome scent of coffee in the air.”

“Yes, Trixie,” Sunset began in an exasperated tone, “we’ve been to a coffee shop… scores of them, in fact. We know what they look like and smell like!”

Trixie frowned. “Trixie was just describing this particular coffee shop!”

“NO ONE CARES!” Sunset cried as she set her drink down long enough to fling her hands and arms out to her sides. “It’s the inside of a coffee shop! We get it!”

Fairy Girl shook her head. “You know, I believe I’ve yet to meet anyone as constantly angry as yerself. I simply canna believe ye get angry at every little thing!”

“Oh, Whatever!” Sunset cried as she folded her arms across her chest and put on a sullen expression. “I just want this story to be over with.”

Trixie tilted her head slightly so one of her eyes was visible. “You know it would go a lot faster if you just kept quiet and let me tell it.”

Fairy Girl broke into another fit of laughter as Sunset Shimmer turned and glared at Trixie.

“I… well… you…” Sunset said as she struggled to formulate a proper response. “Shut up!” she cried.

Trixie smirked and lowered her head, once again concealing her eye. She continued her story. “I walked up to the counter, noting a few peculiarities. The tip jar was stuffed full of money, and behind the counter empty syrup bottles laid on their sides in puddles of bright, viscous liquid amongst wrecked shelving and more broken glass. ‘What happened here?’ I asked the cashier with shoulder length-auburn hair, hazel-colored eyes, a petite nose set in the center of her slightly oval—”

Sunset quickly drained her drink before she slammed her fist down. The table and candle shook with the impact, but once again the candle stayed upright and the flame flickered, but remained burning. “NO ONE CARES WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE! JUST GET ON WITH IT!”

Trixie turned to frown heavily at Sunset Shimmer.

Sunset sighed and held her empty glass out across the table. “I’m sorry, but your description of the waitress is even more ridiculous than the description of the coffee shop!” she cried as Fairy Girl produced a large bottle full of more of the amber substance she and Sunset were enjoying. Fairy Girl filled Sunset’s round glass as Sunset continued, “You barely even speak to her! And yet you go into some ridiculously lengthy depiction of her as if she’s somehow pivotal to your story, which is bad and also dumb!” Sunset said as she raised her now full glass to her lips and took another sip.

Trixie scrunched her lips slightly. “Alright, fair enough… I’ll skip it.”

“Thank you!” Sunset cried.

“So I go up to the cashier and I ask, ‘What happened here?’ and the cashier says—”

Sunset grumbled to herself before speaking up again, “You just shifted tense.”

Trixie frowned. “Must you nit-pick every little thing?!”

“Nit-pick nothing!” Sunset cried. “You shifted from past to present tense! Maybe most everything else I said was opinion or because of your weird verbal tic, but this was definitely a mistake!”

Trixie sighed. “So I went up to the cashier and I asked, ‘What happened here?’ The cashier replied with ‘A supervillain in a black outfit threw some pink-haired girl through the window. Then the girl asked us to make a drink out of espresso shots and syrup. She then ran off to fight the supervillain with the help of a giant robot.’” Trixie tilted her head and looked at Sunset with her exposed eye. “Happy?”

“No, but I’m less angry,” Sunset replied with a smirk.

Fairy Girl snickered.

Trixie sighed and shook her head, causing her silvery blue hair to drift from side to side. “I’ll take it, I guess… Anyhow, I said ‘Huh’ and smiled. ‘It must be Thursday!’ Which probably would have gone over better if more of the people from the coffee shop watched True Blood… and if it also was actually Thursday.”

“Oh for…” Sunset took a big swig from her drink before shooting Trixie the angriest stare she had managed for the night. “I tell you every time that line is from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy!”

Trixie nodded. “Yes, but it’s in True Blood as well!”

“YES, BUT THE WRITERS WERE MAKING A REFERENCE TO HITCHHIKER’S!” Sunset snarled.

“It’s Trixie’s story and she can tell it like she wants!”

Sunset leaned back in her chair and raised her free hand, flapping her fingers down not unlike a mouth as she mockingly said, “Mehmehnamehna mehnahmee!”

“An-ee-how,” Trixie said as she stressed every syllable in a tone that was once again, becoming increasingly irritated, “Trixie ordered her favorite caffeinated beverage. ‘One Grrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie, please!’”

Sunset, once again, sighed heavily. “A.K.A. the world’s stupidest drink invented ever!” she declared before taking another sip of her drink.

This time, Trixie slammed her fists on the table, causing the candle to flicker. “It’s not stupid! It’s a grande vanilla café latte with skim milk, a cinnamon stick, and a touch of blueberry syrup all topped with whipped cream!”

“We know what the frickin’ drink ish! ” Sunset cried, slurring her words slightly.  “Some sort of coffee monstrosity made with shkim milk and whipped cream to shignify just how little sense you have! You’ve only told ush like a hojilion timesh!”

Fairy Girl chuckled. “‘Holjilion’?  Is this more of yer fancy yank way of measuring things?”

Sunset turned towards Fairy Girl and narrowed her eyes. “Yer jush lucky you can make magic booze, otherwise I’d bash yer ‘ead in!”

Fairy Girl smirked. “That’s cockney, luv. You’re mixin’ yer countries up a wee bit.”

“WHATEVER!” Sunset cried. “I’m closhe, ain’t I?”

Trixie let out an exasperated sigh. “Can I please just get a little quiet to finish my story?! Trixie is almost done.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Wouldn’t want to mish the best part, would we now?” she said sarcastically.

Trixie gritted her teeth but continued, “So the cashier turned to all the empty syrup bottles on the shelf and ground and looked up at me. ‘Sorry, we used the last of the blueberry syrup for that pink-haired girl’s drink,’ she said to me. I balled my hands into fists, threw my arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens!” Trixie performed the action she had just described as she stood up from her seat and shouted, “‘PIIIIIIIIINK-HAAAAAAAIRED GIIIIIIRL!’”

There was a brief pause as no one said anything. Trixie continued to stand at the end of the table, her hands still up in the air. The candle light flickering over her dark-blue body suit and fishnet stockings.

A fourth voice finally joined the conversation. “Wait… that’s it?” A California-tanned, blond-haired woman asked as she leaned into the flickering candle light.

Sunset sighed. “Yep, that’sh it…” she said before sipping her drink again.

Helen cocked an eyebrow at Trixie. “Your big problem with Pinkie is she drank the last of a flavor you used for a rather complex coffee drink you order…? And it wasn’t even a major component?”

“TRIXIE ORDERS THAT DRINK EVERY DAY!” Trixie cried. “It’s unfair that Trixie had to go without an ingredient because of that pink-haired bimbo!”

Sunset smacked a palm against her face. “I’m not shure you can even say it was her fault!”

Trixie folded her bare arms across her chest and sat slumped back into her chair. “Trixie can’t believe you’d take her side in all this!”

“Oh, I may hate Pinkie, but you’re really pushing things as far as reashons to hold a grudge go… Can’t you jusht admit you’re in thish horribly named group jusht because Magnifico the Magnificent has a much better reashon for being mad at Dan? I mean… at least Helen and I both shuffered painful experiences because of her!”

Helen nodded. “Many painful experiences!”

Sunset Shimmer narrowed her eyes and turned to Helen. “Dumped… almost froze to death…”

Fairy Girl raised a clasped hand to her mouth and cleared her throat. “Look if ye all want have some sort of lasses pissin’ contest as to who has the best reason to join this little venture, I think I’m winning by a mile as they say here.”

Sunset rolled her eyes, took another swig of her beverage, and began speaking in her best, ridiculously thick Irish accent, “Oh, are ye not from America, lasshieee? Glad ye made that as clear as an Irish Spring! Shomeone break out the Guinnessh and mint-flavored everything!”

Fairy Girl raised her glass in front of her smiling face and took another sip. “Yer lucky I like your cheek, Sunset Shimmer. Otherwise ye’d be spending yer days of being pretty jabberin’ to padded walls an’ the only head’s ye be turning would be of nice young men in clean white coats.”

Sunset’s face tightened ever so slightly as Fairy Girls words hit her, her thoughts locked somewhere in between responding with some more ill-advised, tipsy snark and a quiet, grumbled-out apology.

Fairly Girl continued, “Anyhow, I know ye all have had yer own little grievances with the pink-haired one, but the short one cut off me head--” Fairy Girl grasped at her neck with a thum and forefinger “--and looted me flesh for valuables. I think I be winnin’ this little game.”

An uncomfortable silence followed on Fairy Girl’s words. Decapitation was certainly a hard act to follow for Trixie, Sunset, and Helen.

The silence continued to hang in the air like a phantom that couldn’t be seen, yet could be felt like the unnerving sensation of knowing one was being watched and judged.

Trixie decided to do something about it as she turned and looked Fairy Girl directly in her piercing silver eyes. “Yeah, but you got better,” she said simply.

Sunset’s and Fairy Girl’s eyes went wide briefly before the both broke into hysterical fits of rolling laughter as Trixie leaned back with a satisfied smile.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

Helen merely looked over the three with a mildly perplexed expression.

As the laughter subsided, Sunset took another sip of her drink and placed it on the table. “… sip…  Hahahahahahahehehehe… We are sho bored!”

Fairy Girl sighed and placed an elbow on the table, holding her forearm upright as she rested a cheek against her palm. “Aye, that we are…”

A masculine voice cut through the darkness. “Well, then do I have good news for all you lovely ladies.”

The four women turned as the lights suddenly turned on, squinting as their eyes adjusted to the light. The all looked at a smiling man with short, well-kept hair, a triangular soul patching, buttoned blue shirt, and red-and-yellow striped tie. He stood in front of an open door set in a brick wall, and the table the ladies all sat at seemed to be in a modestly furnished apartment with brick walls.

The man continued, “It’s time.”

“Uhg… Finally!” Sunset declared as the other women stood up. Sunset sat down her drink and joined them, wobbling slightly as she came to her feet. Helen simply walked past them towards the doorway while Trixie snickered and Fairy Girl gave Sunset an amused look.

Sunset looked at Fairy Girl sheepishly. “You wouldn’t happen to be able to make magic coffee, would you?”

Fairy Girl shook her head. “Sorry, Sunset. I’m afraid coffee isn’t something us wee folk are usually asked to conjure up.”

Sunset hung her head, allowing her red-and-yellow hair to hang in front of her face. “Of course…”

“Oooo!” Trixie cried excitedly. “Maybe we can stop at a coffee shop and you can try Trixie’s favorite coffee!”

Sunset uttered an extended sigh that eventually turned into a soft, lengthy moan as she slowly let the air from her lungs out. Once she had ran out of air, she took another breath, looked up and scowled at Trixie. “Shut up, Trixie.”

Part 15 … Vs. …: Dan Vs. The Magic Manor

Part 15 … Vs. …: Dan Vs. The Magic Manor

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 … Vs. …

Dan Vs. The Magic Manor

-ooooooo-

Dan sat in the driver’s side of his red hatchback, keeping his eyes focused on the road while his left hand held the steering wheel tightly and he motioned out vigorously with his right. His free hand moved up, down and every-which-way as he carried on an animated conversation with the person next to him.  He wore what he almost always wore: a black t-shirt that said with word ‘JERK’ in big, bold white letters, jeans, and black boots.

Pinkie Pie sat in the passenger side and kept her eyes focused on Dan as she kept both hands free to motion vigorously as she carried on her half of the animated conversation. She wore something new: a short-sleeved, buttoned green shirt covered in an abstract floral pattern of brighter greens, blues, and yellows, a dark green pleated skirt that stopped just above her knees, and a pair of black sneakers. A set of three large, colorful bracelets surrounded her left wrist and a bit of her forearm.

Pinkie flashed Dan an unsure look as palm trees and nice, multistory houses passed by her window. “Are you sure this will be a nice, quick visit to the Maniac Mansion or whatever?”

“Of course!” Dan said in a somewhat irritated tone. “And it’s the ‘Magic Manor’,” Dan corrected. “We just walk up to the guard, say the magic words, go inside, track down that fake magician twerp, I get Magnifico the Malcontent to cough up his secrets, and we’re out!”

Pinkie giggled to herself at Dan calling anyone ‘malcontent’, but said nothing.

“Anyhow,” Dan continued as he flailed his right hand about, “I’m surprised you’re not excited to see the Magic Manor. It’s filled with rooms full of magic junk, like top hats and ogres making wands, walls adorned with random and goofy nonsense, and trap-filled hallways.” Dan took his eyes off the road to briefly stare up as he rubbed his chin with a thumb and a forefinger. “Just imagine Hogwarts, a T.G.I.F. and the Temple of Doom somehow had a lovechild together… that’s what the Magic Manor would look like,” Dan said as he looked back down at the road.

Pinkie giggled once more. “Hehehe… Well, how can I be excited when you just described the place in such funderful detail?”

“But it’s got magic, gaudy junk!” Dan protested. “I figured you’d be jumping up and down on your seat like a preschooler to see this ridiculous place!”

Pinkie shrugged. “Erm… I kinda come from the ‘magical land of Equestria’?” Pinkie reminded in a tone that half-suggested she was asking Dan if he remembered. “I mean… this sounds like some bizarre, theme park version of being home again.” Pinkie smirked. “Not sure there’s a ton to be excited about.”

Dan paused briefly and thought about this.

-ooooooo-<

Dan held fast to a grey-bearded middle-aged man’s suspenders. In addition to the suspenders, the man wore a wide-brimmed straw hat, buttoned-up white shirt, and a red kerchief.

“You call this the ‘California Experience’?!” Dan shouted angrily as he shook the man by his suspenders. “You don’t even have a place to simulate getting mugged!”

“Dan!” Chris called from behind him. “When they say the ‘California Experience’, they mean the old mission days! Not modern day California!”

Dan let go of the suspenders of the confused and slightly scared-looking man, who hit the ground with an “Oof!”

 Dan turned to look at Chris. “Well, then they should have said so! We could have avoided this whole embarrassing situation!”

Chris sighed. “It is pretty embarrassing…”

Dan nodded. “Yeah! For them alright! Luring unsuspecting people to their public demonstrations under false pretense of recreating life in the big city.” Dan raised a hand up to his brows and scanned his eyes over the various areas set up, including a blacksmith in front of a covered wagon, a pottery-making area, and a man that appeared to be wearing brown monk’s robes. “Now where is the quarantine house, I wonder? I want to see how accurate the pseudomembrane on the diphtheria victim’s tonsil’s looks…”

A woman with long blond hair that went down past her shoulders, wearing a pink sweater over a white blouse, and a long, dark-salmon colored skirt walked up. She smiled, though her eyes and facial expressions showed she was anything but happy. “Sir, can you please leave the school grounds before I have to call the police?”

“HEY!” Dan cried. He pointed over his shoulder with a thumb at Chris. “My friend here pays taxes and his taxes pay for these ridiculously inaccurate school programs! And as he’s my minion, I have just as much right to be here as anyone!” Dan scanned the area with annoyance. “It’s not like any of these kids have paid a dime to be here!”

<-ooooooo->

“I see your point,” Dan said to Pinkie. “Anyhow, this magic stuff is a bunch of hogwash…”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and gave Dan a look she almost never used, a look that suggested she couldn’t believe what the other person had just said. “You don’t believe in magic?” she asked dryly.

Dan flung his right hand out and up to the car ceiling. “Not real magic like from fairies, werewolves, or colorful, talking ponies even, but stage magic like Magnifico the Malignant uses! I managed to figure out and expose of all of Magnifico’s bogus song and dance last time we met, except…”

Pinkie giggled. “Except when he stole your underwear!”

Dan sighed. “Yeah, except that… As strange as that was, I just assumed that was some bogus trick too, until I started teleporting things with my mind…” Dan said, trailing off as he stared down the winding road.

Dan drove the hatchback down one more turn around a well-manicured estate. Suddenly the couple beheld a sight that stood out greatly from the palatial Southern California building around it: a stone building complete with high, rectangular windows separated by stone pillars, a red-shingled pointed roof that was cone-shaped in places, giving the appearance of towers attached to the large structure, and large wooden double doors that stood in front of a wooden drawbridge. In front of the three-story tall manor was a pathway that bent halfway towards the house at a slightly curved right angle. Warped and slightly barren deciduous trees stood tall, surrounded by the odd high hedge, and a gentle sloping lawn was on both sides of the walkway.

Pinkie giggled. “It’s like a tiny, baby castle!” She narrowed her eyes slightly and raised her hands to her chest level, pointing her fingers downward and wiggling them slightly. “Except it’s all daaaark~ and spooooky~!”

Dan rolled his eyes as he slowly pulled the car up to the sidewalk. “Yeah, it’s mysterious alright…” he said in a sardonic tone.

“Anyhow,” Pinkie said as she unbuckled her seatbelt, “it’s a shame Elise said ‘no’ to coming with us.” Pinkie stepped out of the car and stared out at the Magic Manor.

Dan likewise exited the vehicle. “If you recall, she actually screamed and locked herself in the bathroom before she began hysterically sobbing to herself.” Dan held up an index finger. “We perceived it as a ‘no’.”

The two walked onto the sidewalk and down past a chest-high stone wall to a large, metal, gold-colored gate. The posts of the gate resembled golden spears that poked up past the top arc. Either side of the gate was adorned with a large, cursive ‘M’ surrounded by a circle.

As Dan and Pinkie walked up to the gate, it automatically opened and they stepped past it onto the walkway.

Dan frowned as he took a closer look at the manor. A large, bald man dressed in a black suit stood in front of the door. “Great. It’s the same muscle bound idiot that was guarding the place the last time I had to thrash Magnifico!”

Pinkie frowned slightly as glanced at Dan. “I thought you weren’t going to thrash anyone.”

Dan shrugged. “It depends on how easily Magnifico coughs up his secrets!”

Pinkie pursed her lips slightly and thought briefly about this. “Fair enough… Should we get disguises?”

Dan waved a hand about dismissively. “Nah, that can be plan ‘b’ if the magic words don’t work and we can’t strong arm our way past him.”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow. “Did strong arming work last time?”

“Well, no…” Dan admitted. His mouth opened into a devilish grin. “But I’ve gotten a lot better at punching hard since then.” His lips opened wider as a slightly mad look came over his features. “Plus, I have a secret weapon.”

“Oh… okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

“Alright, just follow my lead,” Dan said as he began walking onto the wide drawbridge that sat suspended over a moat. Pinkie followed close behind as the two made their way up the walkway. The guard eyed them suspiciously as they approached, wrinkling his brow and narrowing his eyes with every step Dan and Pinkie took closer.

“What’re the magic words?” the large man asked in a deep voice as Dan approached.

Dan leaned his head up and lifted a hand to shield the sound of his voice. “My, your blue eyes look striking in the moonlight.”

The guard frowned heavily. “That’s not the magic words no more.”

“What?!” Dan cried. “When did this happen?!”

“Some guys dressed as magicians came in lookin’ for a piece of jewelry or somethin’ a while back. They messed with a bunch of rooms and disrupted one of our member’s shows. I think they even let a cat loose in a room full of doves, or somethin’.”

Dan grinned. “Oh, sounds terrible and, more importantly, like absolutely nothing to do with me.”

The large man’s suspicious look increased as he cocked an eyebrow at Dan. “Yeah, well… you shoulda known all that if yer a member.”

“Oh,” Dan said, “well there’s a perfectly logical explanation for that.” He pulled back his right hand back along his side and clenched his fingers into a fist. “And it’s right here in my hand!”

Pinkie gulped and took a step back behind Dan.

The man sighed and rolled his eyes. “Ya’ don’t need to go through an act, we’re all magicians here.”

“MAGIC, GLOWING HAND!” Dan cried as he pulled his hand back and thrust it into the large man’s torso.

‘Paff.’

The man looked down at Dan with an irritated expression, Dan’s fist lightly pressed against his torso. “Were ya supposed to do somethin’?”

“Gah! It didn’t work!” Dan cried.

The larger man cocked an eyebrow. “Performance anxiety issues?”

Pinkie looked up at the larger man. “This usually never happens to him! Really!”

“SHUT UP!” Dan cried as he pulled his hand back. “Let me try again!” He sent his fist sailing forward once again. “Shazzam!”

‘Paff.’

The large man scrunched his lips to one side of his face. “Say, don’t I know you from somewhere?”

“NO!” Dan cried. “Burning finger!”

‘Paff.’

The large man sighed. “Would it help if I turned around?”

“GAH!” Dan cried as he raised his hands up to the top of his head and clutched at his hair. “This isn’t working!”

Pinkie gave Dan a small smile and patted Dan’s shoulder lightly. “It’s alright, I’m sure this sort of thing happens to lots of guys!”

Dan turned to Pinkie and snarled angrily at her, “Grarrarh!”

Pinkie retracted her hand and grinned at Dan pensively.

“Oh that is IT!” Dan cried. “It’s secret weapon time!”

“This your big finisher or somthin’?” The large man asked.

Dan smirked. “Trust me, this one will knock you dead.” He took a few steps and pointed at the large man. “Pinkie! Take him out!”

There was a brief pause as no one did anything.

Pinkie motioned to herself. “What?!” she cried in surprise. “I’m your secret weapon?!”

Dan furrowed his brow as he turned towards Pinkie. “What!? You thrash guys for me all the time!”

“Yeah, regular sized guys, who also mean you harm!” Pinkie motioned to the large man. “The last time I tried to attack someone this big I got smacked in the head with a bell and went sleepy-times for a while! Not fun!”

Dan sighed.

The large man’s eyes narrowed. “Wait, were you trying to attack me back there?”

“Hold on a second!” Dan said holding up an index finger. “This barely concerns you!” He turned towards Pinkie. “What the heck, Goofball!? I thought you had my back!”

“Dan, he’s not even doing anything!” Pinkie cried as she motioned to the large man.

“Oh, come on!” Dan whined. “At least give it the old college try!”

Pinkie placed her hands on her hips. “I’m sure we can figure something out without resorting to violence! Or at least violence that won’t likely mean more bruises and bumps for us!”

Dan sighed. “If only I can figure out what triggers my Falcon Punch ability…”

“Hey!” Pinkie cried. “There’s a phrase you didn’t try!”

Dan shrugged. “Phrases had nothing to do with it the other times it worked…”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Then why did you—”

Dan placed a figure over Pinkie’s lips. “Just quiet your adorably kissable mouth for a second and let me think about this…”

“Can you two leave now? Yer kinda trespassing.”

“Just a second,” Dan said as he rubbed his chin. He suddenly raised an index finger in an ‘ah-ha’ fashion. “I got it!”

“Yay!” Pinkie said clapping her hands together.

“Every time I used the ability you were either in danger or injured!”

“Uh… yay?” Pinkie said notably less enthusiastically with a notably less enthusiastic clap to match. “Erm… I guess I need to put myself into peril now?”

Dan frowned. “But I don’t like it when you’re in peril!”

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief.

Dan smiled. “Maybe it also works if you’re being verbally assaulted as opposed to the regular kind!”

Pinkie hummed thoughtfully to herself as she tapped an index finger against her chin and stared up into open air. “I guess it’s worth a shot.”

“Listen!” The large man said harshly. “I think you two should leave before I make you leave!”

Dan nodded. “Good, but now try it with more insults.”

Pinkie shook her head. “I don’t know, Dan. Can’t we just figure out when and where Magnifico the Magnificent’s next show will be at and ask him then?”

“Awww,” Dan said in a mildly whiny tone, “but I drove all the way here!”

Pinkie gave a slight shrug with her shoulders. “Yeah, but it was like… what… a five-minute drive?”

The large man spoke up again, “At least one of you has half a brain. I’d listen to the girl if I were you, bub.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Did you just pay my girlfriend a backhanded compliment?”

The large man shrugged with his shoulders. “It was more of a half-subtle insult.”

Dan suddenly brought his right fist up to his chest and clutched his left hand around it, cracking his knuckles. His mouth opened revealing a toothy smile of devilish intent. “Even better.”

Dan shifted his weight back, pulled his fist back, and thrust it forward once again.

There was a red flash.

‘POW!’

“AAAAAAAHHH!”

Pinkie and Dan poked their heads over the side of the drawbridge just in time to witness the large man fall into the moat with a ‘splash!’

“NO ONE INSULTS, OR EVEN HALF-INSULTS MY GIRLFRIEND!” Dan shouted angrily.

Pinkie turned and grinned at Dan. “You know there’s something very attractive about you defending me like that.”

From below them, the man surfaced and began sputtering as he struggled in the water.

Pinkie looked down with a touch of concern. “You know… even if it was probably just a little~ overkill.”

Dan turned and smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He motioned towards the manor. “Now let’s go,” he said as he rose to his feet. “We have a phony-baloney magician to interrogate for possible real magic secrets.”

“Okie-dokie-lo—”

“GrRrRrRrRrRCHRCHRCHRCHRCHRCH!”

Pinkie was cut off as she heard a low growl that ended in a gravely rumble. She looked down to see an alligator poke its head out of the surface of the water.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… It’s like a big version of Gummy!”

The large man screamed and began swimming away from the alligator as fast as his large, muscular arms would take him.

Pinkie suddenly frowned and stood up, turning towards Dan. “Wait… those are like… magic, just-for-show alligators, right?”

Dan shrugged and waved a hand about dismissively. “Yeah, sure… whatever… Let’s just find Magnifico the unpleasant-word-that-begins-with-‘M’ and strangle some secrets out of him.”

Dan opened one of the large wooden doors and motioned for Pinkie to come inside. She smiled at him as she stepped past the doors and Dan followed, the door closing behind him.

The two found themselves in a long hallway lined by wood grain walls adorned with wall lamps, old pictures of magicians, and wooden doors with brass knobs. The ceiling was similarly wood grain with visible wooden supports down every few yards. The floor was covered with a long, light green carpet lined with a yellow border.

Dan walked past Pinkie, bee-lining for a wooden bookcase down the hall. He scanned the red and blue colored books as he picked out the single green book amongst them. He smiled to himself as he reached and placed his fingers on the book. “Let’s see if they’ve had time to change this!” Dan tilted the book slightly and let go as he heard a satisfying ‘click’. The book slid back into place and soon the entire bookcase slid down the wall, revealing another wood grain hall behind it.

Pinkie giggled giddily to herself. “Alright, I know I said I wouldn’t get excited, but this is kinda cool! We’re really walking around in some sort of magician’s guild secret base!”

“Don’t get too excited,” Dan said as his mildly grumpy expression returned and he and Pinkie resumed walking. “These magic nerds aren’t hiding anything mythical, just a pile of ill-gotten gains they’ve stolen during magic shows.”

“Still, it’s got seeeecret passages and stuff!” Pinkie said as she waved her fingers about again. “Not to mention it’s a little exciting to be sneaking around where we’re not wanted.” She suddenly frowned. “You don’t think they’d try to blast us with one of their metal wands and car battery dealy, do you?”

“Why not?” Dan asked. “I would. Guess you’ll just have to get over your bout of Pacifismpox if one of them pulls a wand on us.”

Pinkie giggled and shrugged. “It’s different if they’re actually trying to hurt us.”

Dan stopped and held an arm out as he peered down a stone stairwell. The wooden walls had come to an abrupt end as they hit the stairs, and stonewalls led all the way down along the stairs into flickering light.

Dan turned towards Pinkie. “Alright, don’t touch the walls. Chris almost gave himself a few fancy arrow piercings on his face last time we were here.”

Pinkie smiled and gave a small salute as she followed Dan down the stairwell. Soon the pair stood in a wide room, the floors tiled with large capital letters that faced every which way and the stone walls lined with the odd torch to keep light in the underground area.

Dan motioned to the floor covered in letters. “Alright, just spell out ‘magic’ with your feet as you walk.” He narrowed his eyes as he added, “And remember it’s spelled with a ‘g’.”

“Well, d’uuuuuh!”Pinkie cried as Dan leapt from letter to letter. She stepped onto an ‘M’ and then an ‘A’. “I mean, I’m not a complete moron!” She said as she stepped onto a ‘G’.  She continued to speak as she jumped to an ‘I’. “Give me some—AAAHHH!” Pinkie threw her arms up and uttered a startled cry as she stepped on a ‘K’ and the tile crumbled from underneath her.

Dan’s hand quickly shot out as he grabbed ahold of Pinkie’s wrist. He fell to his knees as Pinkie’s weight pulled him downward, but he held on tight to both Pinkie’s wrist and the tile below him.

Wide eyed and slightly stunned, Pinkie looked down and gulped as she noticed she couldn’t see anything below her.

Dan made an irritated grunt as he pulled Pinkie up onto the ‘C’ tile he was standing on. “How come everyone I know is a complete imbecile!?”

As Pinkie was raised, she reached out for the tile Dan was standing on and helped pull herself up. She slowly got herself up onto her knees as Dan stood up, trying to give as Pinkie as much room as he could without stepping onto a different tile.

Pinkie looked down the ‘C’ tile and stared at it briefly. “Ooooooo! You said ‘Magic’!” she said before she raised to her feet on the rather crowded tile the two shared.

Dan just shook his head. “Come on already! Hopefully Magnifico is appraising all the jewelry he and his cronies stole down here. And we can corner him unawares.”

Pinkie smiled. “Just one thing.”

Dan let out an exasperated sigh. “Oh, what is it this—?”

Dan was suddenly cut off as moist lips were pressed against his and pink, slender hands were placed on either side of his face. He got over his initial surprise and closed his eyes, leaning up into the kiss slightly as he enjoyed the feeling of Pinkie’s lips against her tongue playfully darting in and out of his mouth. He wrapped his arms around Pinkie’s midsection as he returned the kiss, the tension in his body slowly fading as he felt Pinkie similarly relax.

Pinkie slowly broke the kiss and leaned her head down further. The locks of curls in front of her face lightly brushed the top of Dan’s head as she pressed her forehead against his and smiled warmly.

“Thanks for saving me from myself,” she said, punctuating the sentence with a gentle giggle.

Dan smiled back and reached his hands up to the pair on his cheeks. “It’s what I’m here for.” Dan’s expression suddenly turned a touch more serious as he removed Pinkie’s hands from his cheeks. “Now come on! We have a mascara-wearing pretty boy to thrash.”

Pinkie motioned out in front of her. “Lead the way!” she said cheerfully.

Dan leapt off the tile onto a wide stone staircase with a wooden banister that flanked either side. Up several steps was a large, plain wooden set of double doors as the stairway split upwards and away from the door. Dan took a few steps forward as Pinkie jumped onto the stairs behind him.

Dan slowly pushed open the doors and peered inside, grinning to himself at what he saw.

A man with wavy, shoulder-length, brown hair and eyes surrounded by black eye-liner sat at a table piled high with gold jewelry and watches. Almost as much jewelry that was on the table seemed to be on the man himself, except he obviously preferred wearing silver. His hands were covered in silver rings with various gemstones set in the center of the odd ring here or there, multiple silver bracelets surrounded each of his thin wrists, and his neck and bare, well-built chest were crisscrossed with an assortment of silver necklaces. A black leather jacket sat on his shoulders, the sleeves ending in a grey flame motif, and a black belt held up cleanly pressed slacks over a pair of black shoes.

Dan suddenly threw open the doors causing the man to jump slightly and drop the golden necklace he was examining with a jeweler’s loupe. Both necklace and tool fell to the pile with a jingle.

“Hello, Magnifico the Moronic,” Dan said as his lips opened up onto a toothy, wicked grin. “It’s been a spell.”

“YOU!” Magnifico cried as he reached his right hand into his jacket. No sooner has he produced a wand then Pinkie was practically on top of him. Thrusting her right fist into Magnifico’s face with a ‘POW!’ as Magnifico reeled back and shot a bolt of energy into the air. Pinkie quickly snatched the wand from Magnifico’s hands and pulled hard, ripping the rod from a set of wires hidden up the man’s jacket.

Magnifico fell to the ground and began to convulse as he screamed in agony.  “AHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Wow…” Dan uttered. “That was some punch,” he uttered as he looked down at the writhing magician.

“I didn’t hit him that hard!” Pinkie cried as she threw her arms to the side.

Still convulsing and screaming, Magnifico threw open his jacket revealing a metal box with a plastic knob on it. He quickly turned the knob to the left. With a ‘click’, Magnifico stopped convulsing, stopped screaming, and settled for panting heavily as he slowly rose to his hands and knees. His chest puffed in and out as he tried to catch his breath and sweat dripped from his brow to the floor.

Dan smiled. “Weeeelll… that was fun!”

In a flash Magnifico was on his feet. He placed his right palm up, inches away from Pinkie’s face as he cried, “SLEEP!”

Pinkie sniffed the air. “Hmmm… chloroformy!” she said cheerfully.

“Uhh…” Magnifico uttered as he stared at the  still-conscious woman.

Dan grinned. “Pinkie’s developed a bit of an immunity to chloroform,” he said as he motioned to Pinkie. “It takes a lot of the stuff to even make her sleepy.” Dan shook his head. “That pathetic little nozzle under your sleeve just isn’t going to do anything.”

Pinkie giggled and batted at the air playfully. “Oh, stop you!” She placed a hand on her hip and flicked an index finger out from her other hand, pointing at Dan. “And don’t think I missed that magic pun, mister. Someone is getting extra smoochees tonight for that one!”

Dan grinned. “Well… it was a pretty good one…”

With a rather vexed look, Magnifico sat back down in his chair, staring up at Dan with one irritated-looking eye as he held his left over the other one. “What the heck do you want? You already embarrassed me in front of a crowd of people. Don’t tell me you wanted an audience with Magnifico the Magnificent just to injure and insult him.”

Dan smiled. “Nope, this is a Dan-Pie official investigation.” Dan tilted his head slightly as he looked up and raised a palm. “The injury and insults are just a nice perk.”

“Fine, assuming you still don’t care about magicians freeing people from the heavy burdens of their shiny metal knick-knacks, what do you want?”

Pinkie suddenly took a step in front of Magnifico, leveling an index finger inches from his face. “WE WANT ANSWERS!” she cried.

Magnifico held his hands up in front of him defensively. “Uh… alright… To what?”

Pinkie shrugged and smiled. “I don’t know! That just sounded really cool in my head!”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “We want to know how you teleport stuff.”

“Oh, right!” Pinkie cried as she pointed to Dan. “That!”

Magnifico cocked an eye at Dan. “You’re joking… You figured out my other secrets…” Magnifico stood up and flicked his left hand about in a circular gesture, causing Pinkie to glance at it. With a quick motion from his right, Pinkie’s bracelets were gone.

“Hey!” Pinkie cried as she stared at her now bare wrist.

Magnifico put his right hand straight in the air and leaned to his left, pointing his left hand downward and creating a straight, vertical line with his arms. He soon stood upright again and flicked out his left hand, producing a blue, striped bracelet. He then flicked out his right hand producing a red, polka-dotted bracelet. Finally, he brought both bracelets and hands up to his face, obscuring it slightly before tilting his hands forward revealing a third bracelet, this one green with a wavy line going down the center.

“… Don’t tell me you’re having trouble with this one.”

“Ooooooo!” Pinkie uttered in an impressed tone as she clapped her hands together. Magnifico gave a bow as he held out Pinkie’s bracelets, which she graciously retrieved and placed back on her left wrist and arm.

“No! Not that!” Dan cried. “I mean how you stole my underwear that one time! You were nowhere near close enough to me to get your hands down my pants... thank God.”

“Oh that…” Magnifico said trailing off. He tilted his head and smiled darkly. “Well, a magician can’t go around giving up his secrets.”

Dan folded his arms over his chest. “Don’t be coy. You’re already strapped up to a car battery. I don’t think you want to test how far we’ll go to get a straight answer from you.”

Magnifico’s eyeliner framed eyes went wide. “Er well… I suppose a magician can make the odd exception here or there.” Magnifico smiled and waved his fingers about. “I reached across the fourth dimension to steal your adorable kitty boxers that day!” he declared in a dramatic tone.

Pinkie turned to Dan. “You have adorable kitty boxers?!” she cried with an excited smile. A smile that soon fled as an unexpectedly serious expression came across her face. “Why wasn’t I informed?!” she said in a slightly demanding tone.

Dan rolled his eyes then folded his arms across his chest as he turned back to Magnifico. “That’s just something you made up to steal jewelry!”

“I…” Magnifico paused. “Alright, it’s also something I say when I steal jewelry, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real.” Magnifico smiled. “And unless you believe, you’re never going to be able to use the powers the fourth dimension grants.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh, I believe alright. I’ve been to your stupid fourth dimension!”

Magnifico looked at Dan in disbelief. “You’ve… you’ve been there?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yep! We got kidnapped by these evil, shadowy thingies and had to fight our way out!”

Magnifico narrowed his mascara-framed eyes. “You’re trying to play Magnifico for a fool!”

Dan flashed Magnifico a devilish grin. “You mean a bigger fool than I think you are! I already know you’re a phony.”

Magnifico folded his arms across his chest. “And yet here you are.”

Dan frowned slightly. “Well, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know something, would I?”

Magnifico paused. “I suppose you have a point… Alright, I’ll humor that you believe…” Magnifico raised his hands in front of him. “Once one gets the hang of the fourth dimension—” Magnifco smiled as he reached into his right sleeve with his left hand and produced a frilly pair of pink panties. “—grabbing things is as easy as pulling them from thin air.”

“HAH!” Dan cried. “There’s no way those are mine!”

“Erm,” Pinkie spoke up, “does it feel drafty in here or…” Her eyes went wide and she quickly turned, pulling the waistband of her skirt out as she looked down. She let out a little “Eek!” as her face turned beet red. She quickly turned around again and delivered a quick punch to Magnifico’s face in one swift movement. She quickly snatched the pink panties from his hand as he went tumbling to the ground. “I’M WEARING A SKIRT, YOU JERK!”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Well, hello new attitude regarding the virtues of wearing clothing. I don’t think we’ve met.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow and pulled one side of her lips up a slight sneer. “Ehhh… I’m picking up the subtle nuances of not wanting creeps who steal from people to see what I look like naked!”

Magnifico sprawled sideways on the floor and supported his head with one of his hands as he let his elbow rest on the floor. He looked up and smirked. “Speaking of which, it’s nice to know that the carpet matches the drapes.”

Pinkie’s face turned a luminescent shade of red as she quickly placed her hands over the front of her skirt and stared down at Magnifico with a rageful expression. She lifted one hand and balled it into a fist as if intending to strike with it, but never got the chance. A quiet, literally luminescent red glow appeared around Dan’s foot.

‘POW!’

“AAACHHK!” Magnifico uttered a pained grunt as Dan’s blow sent him across the room into a pile of golden jewelry.

‘CRASHINGLE!’

“HEY!” Dan cried as a surprised smile crossed his face. “I did that with my foot!”

Pinkie beamed. “You’re doing it!” she cried as she quickly lifted one leg then the other as she replaced her panties. “You’re channeling the powers of the shadowy-blue place!”

Magnifico groaned from the pile of jewelry.

Dan walked up to Magnifico and lifted him up by his jacket. The jewelry that covered him as well as the jewelry he was wearing clinked and tinkled as he rose from it.. “Now how do I teleport stuff?”

“You’re asking me?!” Magnifico asked in surprise before he broke into a small coughing fit. “Cough… cough… You just… cough… harnessed pure magical energy to strike me, and you can’t teleport things?!”

“Well, I can do that whenever Pinkie’s in danger… or someone hurts her… or insults her…” Dan paused again and glanced up. “…or peeps on her, it seems…” He refocused his attention on Magnifico. “I haven’t quite worked out teleporting.”

Magnifico sighed. “You just… cough… you just imagine what you want to teleport with your mind’s eye—”

“I’ve done that!” Dan cried. “Do you know how many turkey sandwiches I’ve tried to teleport?!”

“Let me finish!” Magnifico snapped as he raised back to his feet with no small effort, cradling his abdomen with his left arm. “You imagine what you want and clear your mind,” Magnifico said as he gestured to the sides of his head with both hands. “Then you imagine yourself pulling it through the fourth dimension.”

Dan furrowed his brow at Magnifico and closed his eyes taking a deep breath.

“That’s good!” Pinkie cried. “Now imagine thin-sliced turkey meat, sandwiched in-between two mayo covered slices of a hoagie ro—”

The wrinkles on Dan’s forehead increased. “I know what a turkey sandwich looks like, Goofball!”

The room went silent as Dan continued concentrating.

“…”

“…”

“…”

After a bit of silence, Magnifico spoke up, “Performance anxiety issues?”

“SHUT UP!” Dan cried.

Pinkie sighed. “Yeah, it’s been happening with more frequency as of late…”

Dan began to utter a low, agitated growl like a dog that was warning something to keep its distance.

“Huh,” Magnifico said. “Well, you know, when you get older—”

“WOULD YOU TWO KINDLY SHUT THE HECK UP!?” Dan roared as he opened his veiny red eyes up and gave Pinkie and Magnifico with utter rage. “I’M TRYING TO CONCEN—”

With an unceremonious ‘pop’, a slice of turkey meat appeared above the table and plopped down onto the pile of jewelry.

“You did it!” Pinkie cried excitedly. “Sorta…”

“Yes!” Dan cried as he pumped a fist into the air. “Score another one for Dan! Take that the known laws of the universe!”

“Eh, it’s a start,” Magnifico said in an unimpressed tone.

Dan scowled at him. “You will not dull my triumph!”

Pinkie spoke up. “Hey, if you have to visualize what you’re trying to take, how come you knew how to take my underwear?” Pinkie’s cheeks turned slightly red as she looked down. “The shiny jewelry isn’t like… reflecting what’s under my skirt is it?”

Magnifico chuckled. “Oh, it’s not that.” He smiled wide and wickedly. “When one gets used to the fourth dimension you can take objects by reaching out with your senses and feeling the objects.”

“Ew…” Dan and Pinkie said simultaneously as they shifted uncomfortably.

“I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss it,” Magnifico said. “It’s a powerful ability when one gets the hang of it. With enough practice, one can move objects much larger and heavier than simply articles of clothing.” Magnifico’s already wide grin grew even wider. “You can even move yourself...”

Pinkie and Dan suddenly tensed and stared at Magnifico.

Magnifico frowned. “Admittedly, that would have been an excellent time to teleport away if I could actually do that.”

“HAH!” Dan cried derisively. “Looks like you’re still a phony even if you have access to some real magic!”

Magnifico smirked and quickly pulled a pair of blue boxers with a happy-looking grey kitty pattern on the front.

Pinkie gasped. “They do exist.”

Dan smirked. “Jokes on you, I put on a bunch of pairs of underwear in case you tried the same trick again.” His smile widened. “And I sprayed them all with pepper-spray in case you got your filthy hands on them!”

“GAH!” Magnifico cried as he felt a burning sensation in his fingers. He quickly dropped the boxers and began blowing on his hands. “How can you even stand that?!”

“A lifetime of getting used to being maced,” Dan replied.

Magnifico narrowed his eyes and waved his hands about. “Abra… cadabra!” he said as he produced a familiar pair of pink panties.

Pinkie quickly turned and pulled on the waistband of her skirt again. She turned and narrowed her eyes. “Hit him again, Dan!”

Dan quickly shifted his weight back, pulled back his right fist, and then thrust it into Magnifico’s abdomen. There was no glowing flash, but Magnifico felt the impact into his already injured torso just the same. Dan quickly snatched the panties out of Magnifico’s hands before the magician doubled over in pain, falling to the floor again.

Magnifico simply moaned from the ground.

Dan held Pinkie’s panties out. “Here,” he said simply.

Pinkie stared at the panties briefly. “The ones Magnifico’s hands have been over twice? The second time with mace-covered fingers? No thanks. You keep them.”

Dan looked down at the pink panties, shrugged, and then stuffed them into a pocket. “Alright, I guess… Let’s go.”

“Awww…” Pinkie said in an uncharacteristically disappointed tone, “you don’t want to stick around and beat more secrets out of Mr. Magic Pants-Stealer over here?”

Dan raised a hand to his chin and rubbed it with a thumb and forefinger as he looked up thoughtfully. “Tempting, but I think we got what we need from him. Let’s go before you end up naked.” Dan walked out of the room back onto the stone steps. Pinkie soon followed.

“You knoooow~,” Pinkie cooed as her hands quickly found themselves around Dan’s chest as she rested her head against the back of his, “I don’t think I’d mind being naked if you did the undressing.”

“You sultry little minx,” Dan said in a surprised tone as he smiled and raised his hands to Pinkie’s arms. “What brought this up?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Pinkie said as she playfully nuzzled the back of Dan’s head, “something about you saving me and beating up people to defend my honor is pretty hot, actually…” she purred out as she smiled. A smile that quickly turned into a frown. “Let’s just try to find a magic shower to get all the pepper-spray off you first.”

Dan chuckled. “Alright fair enough, I suppose we can run around the Magic Manor a bit more until we’re privy to one of their secret privies.”

-ooo-

Magnifico watched with a pained expression on his face as Dan and Pinkie left the jewelry room and walked off into the manor.

He crawled back to his chair and climbed his way back on top of it, exhaling slowly in a half moan as he sat down.

Magnifico reached into his jacket and pulled out a rectangular phone. He pressed the screen a few times. Then lifted the phone up to his ear as a voice on the other end began speaking to him.

“… Yes it’s Magnifico the Magnificent,” Magnifico said into his phone. “Guess who just paid me a visit,” He added cryptically. He nodded as he continued speaking to the person on the other line. “Yes, it was him… The girl too…”

Magnifico paused as the person on the other line spoke some more to him.

“… Alright, about that… I think we might need to reevaluate the situation. He just showed himself to be much more than capable than I would have dreamed… Yes, I know he can be deceptively resourceful, but this was something else entirely…”

Magnifico sighed and placed a palm over his eyes as the voice continued. “… Fine, tonight then… just… don’t say I didn’t warn you…”

“…”

“… No, I’ll be there,” Magnifico answered as he parted his fingers, revealing an eye from underneath the shadows of his palm. “If anything he just reinforced the reasons I need to take him out. The girl, too… Just keep a close eye on him once you have him… He’s possibly much more dangerous than even you have imagined.”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*:Chapter 132 Pinkie Vs. Monologue

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*:Chapter 132 Pinkie Vs. Monologue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 132 Pinkie Vs. Monologue

-ooooooo-

“One,” Dan* said, his voice echoing slightly in the large, mostly empty area. He leaned forward and hit a button on a large camcorder in front of him, a device almost like a VCR with a lens, microphone, and handle attached. He then hit another button which caused the side of the device to open. He pulled out a VCR tape and held it up.

“Oh, The Beautiful and Charming Trixie~!” Dan* sang out.

There was the sound of a wooden chair scraping as Trixie sat up from a table at which Sunset Shimmer, Fairy Girl, and Helen all sat. Trixie approached Dan* with a smile on her face, her high heels clicking against concrete as she practically sashayed up to Dan*.

Dan* held up the tape. “Would you do me a favor and magic this back over the apartment with you know who?”

Trixie nodded as she grabbed the tape. “The Grrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixieshall make another special performance just for you,” she said with a wink.

Dan* smiled wide at her. “Fantastic.”

Trixie turned back towards the table and walked away, Fairy Girl also stood up as she approached.

“Cough… cough… It was ‘Code Geass’, you idiot.”

Dan* turned towards the bruised and battered man hanging from his wrists. “Pardon?”

Dan looked up with a scowl. “Pinkie’s reference she was making… it was ‘Code Geass’, you i-dee-ot!”

Dan* walked up to Dan with a smile on his face. “I’d say that was interesting, but I really don’t care.”

Dan chuckled. “You should…”

Dan* closed his eyes, smiled and shook his head. “Oh, Dan, Dan, Dan”—Dan* opened his eyes. “I don’t need to watch the same shows as you two to figure you two out! I’ve already done my homework there!” Dan* gave Dan a smug smile. “The truth is you two are actually pretty predictable! Something gets on your bad side and you spring to action, dragging as many of your friends along as you can! And it’s that reaction that I’m counting on.” Dan*’s smile turned dark. “That energetic girlfriend of yours is going to lead all your friends right here, and then all the people you two have run afoul of will tear them apart.” Dan* leaned in closer, his dark grin turning sadistic. “And you know what the best part is?”

Dan shot his double an irritated look. “You’re saving Pinkie for last and you’re going to try to kill her in front of me.”

“I’ve saved your girlfriend for last and—” Dan*’s sadistic smile faded a bit at Dan’s words, but he recovered it slightly as he replied, “Alright, so maybe I’m not getting much points for originality there, but it doesn’t change the fact it’s going to happen.”

“Oh come off it,” Dan said. “Do you really think for a moment I’d just be talking like this if I thought any of this would work in your favor in the slightest? If you do, you really don’t know me well at all.”

Dan* frowned. There was a brief popping noise as Trixie and Fairy Girl disappeared from the room. Dan* glanced behind himself briefly before turning back to Dan.  “I will admit, you’re taking the inevitable untimely end of everyone you care about or love much better than what I would have thought.”

“THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU MORON!” Dan glanced to his side briefly. “I’m sure most of my other friends are predictable enough that you’ve mapped out what they’re going to do, but you can’t predict Pinkie Pie! She is the most random thing I’ve ever met! Possibly that ever existed!”

Dan* motioned to the large camcorder, smile returning. “Well I just had a lovely exchange with the lady, not that you’d know…”

“Pfft… Amateur hour guess work, anyone could have figured out what she could have said.”

“Oh Danny boy, I know you spend a lot of your time with the girl. Almost all of it, in fact! But what makes you think you can get into her head the way I’ve gotten into yours… and hers?”

Dan’s lips began to raise into a dark smile.  “You’re asking the wrong question…”

Dan* raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Dan nodded as his lips parted, revealing a mouth full of pointed teeth. “You should have asked how I knew what reference Pinkie was making.”

Dan*’s eyes widened slightly as realization set in. He couldn’t… was he actually following the conversation? Well, he doesspend a lot of time with the girl, and he only had to fill in the pieces from her end of the conversation. I supposethat wouldn’t be too difficult from his position…

Dan*’s smug smile returned. “Alright, so you knew what she was going to say, I still know she’s going to lead your friends right here.”

“Oh, she will,” Dan replied, “but there’s no way you’ll be able to handle her. If you only knew how Pinkie acted when she gets really mad you’d know better than to antagonize her. I mean… I get you figured out she’s crazy and all, but she’s homicidally insane when she’s really mad.”

Dan* rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, I’m sure she can be quite the firecracker when pushed far enough.”

“See, it’s comments like that which make it clear to me you’re a walking corpse at this point,” Dan said in an oddly conversational tone, despite the fact he was hanging from his wrists by a pair of metal shackles bolted to the wall behind him. “You seem to think Pinkie is going to show up ‘much angrier than usual’ when it’s much more likely she’s going to cut you open and start showing you the color of your insides. I mean, if Beaumont & Fletcher are correct and ‘The fool that willingly provokes a woman has made himself another evil angel, and a new hell to which all other torments are mere pastimes,’ then you’re the king of the idiots and you’ve basically raised the devil herself to introduce a new world of pain and misery that you can scarcely imagine.”

From behind Dan*, Sunset Shimmer sneezed.

Dan* went quiet, unused to Dan upping him when it came to conversations between the two of them.

Dan knitted his brow, catching Dan*’s silence. “It’s from Cupid’s Revenge… It’s a play from the 1600’s, you ignoramus.”

“Wait,” Sunset’s voice called out quickly followed by the sounds of leather soles hitting concrete, “are you guys talking Jacobean tragedy plays over there?”

The barest hints of a frown emerged on Dan*’s face before his smile returned. He shifted his body slightly and watched as Sunset walked up to him and Dan. “Dan here was just trying to compare my situation with Pinkie to a play of some sort.”

Sunset nodded. “‘Cupid’s Revenge’, I heard.”

“SEE?!” Dan said. “At least someone around here has picked up a book or two!”

Sunset chuckled to herself. “Shame he never stole the identity of a literature major, right?”

Dan* cleared his throat.

Sunset held up her palms. “Alright, you’re trying to lord your inevitable victory over him, I get it. I’ll just go back and try to strike up a conversation with the dull waitress…”

“HEY!” Helen protested.

“What?!” Sunset cried as she walked back over to the table. “You’re boring!”

Dan* watched as Sunset left, then turned back towards Dan. “So, you’re hanging there chatting with me because you’re simply waiting for your girlfriend who will supposedly be much angrier than I could imagine to show up, brutally murder me, and rescue you?”

Dan shook his head. “No, I mean… Okay, if I just waited here, I’m sure that’s what would happen, but I figured I’ll probably just get out of these restraints and beat you into a bloody stain pretty soon here.”

Dan* looked at Dan with surprise before his mouth began to pull open into a small smile, and then a toothy grin as chuckles turned to full blown laughter. “Heh… hehAhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“And what, pray tell, is so funny?”

“You had me going there for a bit with the whole, ‘my girlfriend is more dangerous than you think’ bit, but I know you have to be bluffing! You can’t really believe you can escape whenever it suits you. I’ve thought of everything! Everything! What makes you so sure there’s something I left out?”

Dan continued to grin wickedly. “Well, that’s because there’s something else I’m guessing you didn’t know.” He looked up at his restraints. “Especially if you thought I couldn’t get out of these.”

Dan* rolled his eyes. “If you’re referring to your double jointed thumb, I’m quite aware of it and how you were able to escape the shackles you were placed in when you first visited the Magic Manor.”

“Oh no, something far more impressive than that. Two things in fact.”

“Well, this has been a conversation full of surprises, so go ahead… Impress me.”

Dan’s eyes narrowed, making his already devilish grin even darker. “Two things… First: I know you put a bomb in my TV.”

Dan*’s smile left once more at Dan’s comment, Dan once again showing he had been tracking events much better than Dan* had anticipated.

“Second: It seems something about Pinkie being in danger makes it so I do this.” Dan’s fist suddenly started glowing red. Dan suddenly reached out for the chains that held up his shackles.

Dan*’s smug expression was suddenly buried under an avalanche of surprise, awe, and finally fear as Dan wrapped his fingers around the chains and squeezed his hands. The chains cracked and broke almost as if they were made of brittle plastic as opposed to metal.

Dan dropped the short distance to the ground, grunting a “Hup…” before he raised his still glowing fists. His eyebrows raised slightly adding a bit of a crazed look to his wicked grin.

Dan* took a step back from the deranged-looking man.

Sunset walked back up from the table, an inquisitive look on her face. “Huh, that was impressive. She glanced at Dan*. “So I guess this is where you crush his spirit by showing you had a plan for that little trick?”

Dan* chuckled slightly before uttering a slightly worried sounding, “Run…”

Sunset frowned. “Oh… you had…” Sunset trailed off slightly as she looked at Dan, her calm and curious expression quickly changing to a worried one. “…you had no idea he could do that…”

-ooo-

Pinkie stood on the walkway in front of her and Dan’s apartment. She stared out into open air with a determined look on her face, her clothing still singed and slightly tattered as small, red dribbles ran down her bare legs and arms, and a somewhat larger flow of blood ran from Pinkie’s forehead, the exact point of the wound hidden under Pinkie’s now straight hair which almost completely covered the right side of her face. The blood trickled down and around Pinkie’s nose, over her lips, and finally down her chin, coming off in small drops.

Pinkie seemed to pay her injuries no mind as began speaking to no one in particular. “Pinkie Pie’s Journal. June uh… something… two-thousand… something…: Exploded TV in the parking lot this afternoon, bomb hidden inside. This suburb is afraid of me. I have seen its…”

“Pinkie!” a masculine voice called out.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie cried in a shrill voice. She looked down to see a tall, middle-aged man with wild, white hair that shot out in all directions. The man wore a white lab coat over a grey sweater, black slacks, and black boots looked up at Pinkie past a pair of round glasses.

“Are you alright?” he asked. “I heard an explosion that I didn’t cause!”

“I’M MONOLOGUING!” Pinkie snapped.

“Oh! Sorry! I completely understand! Please continue…”

Pinkie resumed her staring off into space as continued talking to no one in particular. “… I have seen its true façade. The sidewalks are…”

“Uh, Pinkie?”

“WHAT IS IT NOW?!” Pinkie shrieked as she looked down.

“Uh, well… It’s just that the word ‘façade’ sort of suggests something that’s not real or covering anything, so…”

“I DON’T CARE!” Pinkie snapped.

“Well, I mean…” The man in the lab coat motioned to himself. “I’ve monologued a few times in my day and…”

“I’M FINE DOING IT BY MYSELF, ALRIGHT?!”

The man held up his hands in a defensive position. “Alright, alright… just… just trying to help.”

“WELL YOU CAN HELP BY KEEPING QUIET!” Pinkie screamed out.

The man obediently shut his mouth and simply stared up at Pinkie.

“The sidewalks are extended walkways and the walkways lead up to offices and quiet, gated communities with strict noise regulations. The accumulated tedium of all the work and chores will weigh on the spirits of these suburbanites and all the nine-to-fivers and children will look up and shout…”

“Hey, Pinkie!” another masculine voice called out.

Pinkie uttered a frustrated “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” before retreating back to the apartment briefly. She soon exited carrying a black folding chair which she quickly lobbed at the owner of the offending voice.

‘THWACK!’

“GAH!” Chris called out as the chair collided with him, knocking him to the ground.

“Oh my gosh!” Elise called out as she exited her and Chris’s blue sedan. “Pinkie, did you just throw a chair at Chris?!”

“I WAS MONOLOUGING!” Pinkie screeched angrily.

Chris put a hand up to his head as he woozily raised to a sitting position. “Sa…Soooaaarry…Pa… Pinkie… ” Chris said. He looked up at Pinkie from the ground and quickly averted his gaze uttering a flustered “Whoaaaa!” as he did.

Elise glanced down at Chris then up at Pinkie, focusing her eyes on Pinkie’s torn skirt. “Pinkie, are you wearing anything under your skirt?!”

Pinkie scowled down at Elise. “A magician stole my panties twice, then got mace all over them!”

Elise’s eyes suddenly went wide. “They can… magicians can do that?” she asked in a somewhat frightened tone as she lowered herself behind the open car door.

“Wait, when was this?” Chris asked as he stood to his feet.

“I DON’T MEASURE TIME IN REGARDS TO WHEN ARTICLES OF MY CLOTHING GET MAGICALLY HIJACKED AND COVERED IN BURNING CHEMICALS!” Pinkie snapped.

“Well… I mean… was this just now?” Chris asked.

“NO! IT WAS BACK WHEN DAN AND I VISITED THE MAGIC MANOR!”

With a relieved look, Elise remerged from behind the door of the blue sedan.

“So...” Chris continued, “… you could have replaced them since then?”

“I’VE BEEN BUSY SINCE THEN!” Pinkie cried. “LOOK, IS THIS STUPID LINE OF QUESTIONING GOING TO CONTINUE, OR DO I NEED TO GET ANOTHER CHAIR?!”

Chris frowned as a slightly worried expression crossed his face. “Uh… I’ll be quiet…”

“GOOD!” Pinkie cried. She continued staring off into the open space in front of the apartment walkway. "… GAH!” Pinkie cried. “I LOST MY PLACE!”

“Just start all over!” The man in the lab coat said. “It’s what I do when I get interrupted mid-monologue.”

“You know what? I think I will!” Pinkie said. She cleared her throat. “Pinkie Pie’s Journal. June uh… something… two-thousand… something—”

“Pinkie, it’s...” Chris trailed off as Pinkie quickly stormed back into the apartment and reappeared with another folding chair. “… Whoa! Whoa! Never mind! Forget I said anything…”

Pinkie glared down at Chris, but opted to toss the chair back into the apartment before continuing, “Exploded TV in the parking lot this afternoon, bomb hidden inside. This suburb is afraid of me. I have seen its true façade. The sidewalks are extended walkways and the walkways lead up to offices and quiet, gated communities with strict noise regulations. The accumulated tedium of all the work and chores will weigh on the spirits of these suburbanites and all the nine-to-fivers and children will look up and cry ‘Entertain us!’... and I'll whisper, ‘Noper.’”

Silence suddenly descended as Pinkie finished. For a while, no one said anything.

“Uh… Are you done?” Chris asked.

“Yes!” Pinkie said as she looked down.

The man in the lab coat clapped his hand in approval. “Not bad. What’s the occasion?”

“Someone kidnapped Dan,” Pinkie said. “And I’m going to find the man responsible and stab him a whole bunch of times.”

“WHAT?!” Chris and Elise cried.

The man in the lab coat simply nodded. “Sounds like you’ve got your evening all planned out.”

 Her lips suddenly spread towards the sides of her face as she put on a dark smile as she began walking towards the stairs. “Yep! Now let’s track down Dan’s insufferable doppelganger so I can perform violence on him!”

“Pinkie,” Elise cried, “you never mentioned you were planning on stabbing anyone!”

“Or that Dan was kidnapped by uh… other Dan,” Chris added.

“Well now you know!” Pinkie said as she started walking down the stairs. “Consider yourself informed! Now let’s go!”

“Whoa!” Elise said. “I think a few details are in order like… why are you bleeding and why are your clothes such a mess?!”

“Because Dan’s stupid look alike put a bomb in Dan’s TV!” Pinkie said as she descended the last few steps onto the sidewalk.

“Ah, so that’s what exploded,” the man in the labcoat said simply.

“Can we go now?!” Pinkie snapped. “We’ve got a busy schedule of preparing for, and then inflicting a roaring rampage of vengeance!”

“Shouldn’t we just skip to looking for Dan?” Chris asked.

Elise spoke up. “I’m fine with taking our time, actually.”

Chris turned towards Elise with a worried expression.

“What?” Elise protested. “I’m sure Dan will be fine.”

Pinkie spoke up, “Not-Dan said something about me showing up with all of Dan and my friends, so he’s probably not going to kill Dan until we show up.”

Elise scrunched her lips up slightly. “Shouldn’t we not play right into his hands then?”

Pinkie furrowed her brow. “OR you can stop being such a wet blanket and we can go out there and stab some not-my-boyfriend face!”

Elise scowled at Pinkie. “You did not just call me a wet blanket!”

“All I’m saying is someone here is being the screen door on the submarine that is me enacting justice!”

Elise gritted her teeth as one of the corners of her lips pulled up into a small sneer. “You know what, fine.”

 “Great! Now let’s go!” Pinkie said.

Chris frowned. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What?” Pinkie snapped. “I made my big speech, I have my knife—” Pinkie patted her handbag –“what else could I possibly need?”

Chris’s face went red. “Well… uh… I mean…”

Elise spoke up. “Shouldn’t you maybe change into something a little less scorched and ripped… or at least put something on under your skirt?”

“THERE’S NO TIME!” Pinkie cried as she flung her hands up into the air. “My vengeance will not be delayed over a simple matter of clothing!”

The man in the lab coat raised an eyebrow as he looked at Elise. “How exactly do you know Pinkie?”

Elise shot him an indignant look. “I’m her best friend.”

The man’s eyes widened. “Oh! Excuse me, I didn’t know I was talking to the Elise!” He smiled and extended his hand. “Dr. Jean Splice at your service.”

Elise’s expression softened as she took Jean’s hand. “You’re Dan and Pinkie’s neighbor? I’ve heard so much about you, Dr. Splice!”

“Please, call me ‘Jean’,” Jean insisted. “And likewise…” Jean retracted his hand. “Sorry for my rude question earlier, I just assumed anyone who was a friend of Pinkie would be used to seeing her with one or several articles of clothing missing.”

Elise paused and thought about this. “Ooooh! That make sense… I guess Pinkie is a little better about keeping clothing on her when she’s away from home.”

“Wow,” Pinkie exclaimed. “Well this is a boring conversation that has nothing to do with us leaving! How about everyone shut up and we get in the car already!”

Chris looked down at Pinkie with a touch of concern. “Pinkie, I know you want to get a move on regarding saving Dan...”

“Also, murder!” Pinkie said.

“Uh… right… Well, you do seem to be bleeding an awful lot from your head, and…”

“I DON’T HAVE TIME TO BLEED!” Pinkie cried.

Elise’s eyes widened as she took a close look at Pinkie’s face. “Uh… Be that as it may, you do seem to have a pretty nasty head wound…” Elise reached her hand out towards Pinkie’s forehead. “Let me just…”

Pinkie swatted the hand away. “I’m fine!”

Elise narrowed her eyes slightly. “Pinkie, at least let me stop the bleeding.”

“We’re wasting time, let’s just—”

Elise reached out again, and Pinkie once again swatted the hand away. Elise then reached out with the other hand, which Pinkie also swatted out. Soon the women were engaged in a brief, but frenzied slapping match as Elise continuously reached out and Pinkie slapped her hands away. The match soon came to an end when Elise successfully slipped a hand past Pinkie’s defenses.

Pinkie scrunched up her nose and glared up at Elise as Elise moved Pinkie’s hair out of the way, revealing a thin piece of plastic that stuck out of Pinkie’s forehead about a half-inch.

“OH MY GOSH!” Elise exclaimed.

Pinkie sighed. “This is why I didn’t want to show you! I knew you’d make a big deal out of it!”

“Pinkie, we need to take you to the hospital!” Elise cried.

“BUT I HAVE STABBING TO DO!” Pinkie screeched as she held her palms up and curled her fingers. “And hospitals are for squares!”

Chris spoke up, “You know you can’t enact vengeance if you pass out from blood loss.”

Pinkie’s shoulders slumped as she put on a sullen look. “Fine, take me to the lame hospital… But as soon as we’re done there it’s vengeance time!”

Elise glanced over at Chris and smiled. “Good thinking.”

Chris smiled back. “Years of working with Dan.”

Elise turned towards Jean, a smile still on her face. “Would you like to come with us Jean?”

“Oh… I wouldn’t want to impose...” Jean replied.

“Pinkie doesn’t mind!” Elise insisted. “Do you Pinkie?”

“I DON’T CARE!” Pinkie cried shrilly. “I JUST WANT TO GO!”

Elise motioned to Pinkie. “There you go! You can help us rescue Dan and tell us about all your fascinating experiments!”

Chris shuddered. “… You mean like all the mutated animals that have attacked the bakery?”

Elise turned to Chris and nodded. “Yes! All of those!” She turned back to Jean and gave him a sly grin. “You know, I’ve dabbled with DNA a little myself.”

“Really…” Jean said in an interested, almost purring tone. “I’d love to hear more...”

“GREAT!” Pinkie cried. “Everyone’s coming! NOW LET’S GO!” Pinkie cried as she walked up to the front passenger’s side of the car and sat down.

Chris frowned. “Uh… Pinkie? That’s Elise’s…”

“JUST SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR!” Pinkie snapped.

“It’s fine,” Elise said. “I don’t mind sitting in the back with Jean.”

Chris’s eyes widened slightly as he looked at Elise, then at Jean, then back to Elise. “Uh… right… ok—OW!” Chris was suddenly cut off as a black sneaker bounced off the side of his head.

“WHAT PART OF ‘GET IN THE CAR’ DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!?”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 133 Dan Vs. Escape

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 133 Dan Vs. Escape

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 133 Dan Vs. Escape

-ooooooo-

“HELEN!” Sunset cried as she and Dan* sprinted past the table she had been sitting at with the other girls a few minutes prior. “GO FIGHT THE GUY WITH THE GLOWING RED FISTS!”

“WHY ME?!” Helen exclaimed as she quickly sat up.

“BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT ME!” Sunset replied.

“BUT HE BROKE—”

Helen was suddenly cut off as the massive camcorder Dan* had been using suddenly flew past her, sailing through the air before it collided with the back of Dan*’s head.

‘THUD!’

The camcorder exploded into shards of metal and plastic on contact.

“AAAHHH!” Dan* yelped as he toppled over onto the concrete floor.

“Hey!” Dan exclaimed in a rather chipper tone. “Red glowing fists are super strong, too!”

Helen turned towards Dan, then back towards Sunset. “I am absolutely not fighting him.”

Sunset knelt next to Dan* as she narrowed her eyes and stared back at Helen. “SHE HELPED DELIVER THE EXPLODING TV!” she yelled as she pointed accusingly at Helen.

Helen’s eyes widened briefly before she scowled at Sunset. “Oh, you unbelievable bi—” Helen was cut off once more as she heard the sound of crackling energy and noticed that the red glow that was starting to get brighter. She quickly picked up the wooden chair she was sitting in moments ago and lobbed it at Dan.

Dan swatted at the chair with one of his hands, the chair ‘crack’ed on impact with the back of his hand and flew through the air, impacting with the metal wall with a ‘crunch’ as the already damaged piece of furniture broke and splintered into kindling.

“Are you okay?!” Sunset asked as she helped Dan* back to his feet.

Dan* stood up with ease, a smile on his face. “I’m fine! It’s going to take more than a camcorder to—”

“INCOMING!” Helen cried.

Dan* and Sunset looked up just in time to notice the desk he had been sitting at flying towards them. Sunset quickly leapt out of the way as the desk collided with Dan* and then the floor with a resounding ‘CRUNCH!’

Sunset landed on her hands and feet then quickly rolled over into a sitting position. She supported herself with her hands behind her as she stared at the mass of broken wood, a twisted hand sticking out of the wreckage almost as if it were trying to reach for something.

“Welp… that happened,” Sunset said as Helen ran up to her and helped her back up to her feet.

Dan wiped his still-glowing palms against each other as he looked at Sunset. “Aren’t you going to mourn him or get angry that I just clobbered him with a desk?”

“Well… I liked him, but I also don’t want to die. So… You know, priorities. Speaking of not wanting to die, now that you smashed your nemesis with a desk, can I—”

Helen glared at Sunset as she cleared her throat forcefully.

Sunset sighed. “–We go now?”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “You both helped deliver a bomb to my girlfriend and also kidnapped me, so no, not so much.”

Sunset frowned. “Okay, but if I told you I felt super bad about those things, would you let me go?”

“Oh what the heck!” Helen cried as she flung her hands out. “How can you be so cowardly?!”

Sunset motioned to the pile of wood and the mangled hand sticking out of it. “He threw a fricken’ desk through the air and I’m too gorgeous to die!”

Dan stared at the high ceiling briefly and thought about this. “You know… In my time I’ve performed what some might call some fairly drastic retribution for what those same people might call petty, or insignificant transgressions against me.”

“Oh?” Sunset replied raising an eyebrow.

Dan nodded. “And this is not petty by any stretch of the imagination, so you girls are pretty much in for a world of hurt.”

“Swell…” Sunset grumbled out.

“On the bright side,” Dan said, “it probably won’t last all that long…”

Sunset and Helen’s eyes went wide with worry as Dan began to approach them once more, his entire body glowing with a faint red. Each step of his boots hit with a loud ‘stomp’that resounded through the mostly empty warehouse as he drew closer to the girls.

Sunset leaned over and whispered into Helen’s ear. “On the count of three… we bolt for the door behind us.”

Helen nodded.

Dan took another step.

‘Stomp!’

“One,” Sunset said as she bolted for the door.

“HEY!” Helen cried as she turned and watched Sunset.

“This is what you get for trusting people!” Sunset cried back.

‘Stomp!’

Dan reached the table the girls were sitting at before, picked it up and easily tossed it into the air. The table flew in an arc away from Dan and towards Sunset.

“Watch out!” Helen cried. She stopped suddenly as her concern gave way to an annoyed look. “Or get hit… I don’t even care anymore…”

Sunset turned just in time to see the table hurtling towards her. She attempted to duck, but lost her footing and slid on the concrete as the table flew overhead, brushing against her red-and-yellow locks of hair before it slammed into the door in front of her.  The legs of the table seemingly punched holes through the wall and the flat surface neatly embedded itself into the metal of the warehouse which had bent inwards around the table.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me,” Sunset uttered as she stared at the table.

‘Stomp!’

Sunset took one small slightly panicky glance behind her before she crawled over to the table. She began clawing for the edge of the table in a desperate attempt to pry it out of the way.

Helen quickly ran up beside her and also attempted to dig her fingers in-between the metal of the warehouse walls and the thick, wooden table.

“Helen!” Sunset cried. “I’m so glad you’re here to help me pull out the table.”

‘Stomp!’

Helen looked down and shot Sunset yet another scowl. “You know I’ve tried twice to kill Pinkie with sharp weapons right? I mean…“

‘Stomp!’

“…I know we might die here, and or whatever… but you’re really pushing the limits of what I’ll put up with before I start looking for something long and sharp.”

‘Stomp!’

“Oh, just shut up and help me get the door open before that deranged lunatic makes his way up here.”

“Uh, Sunset…?”

Sunset sighed as she noticed her shadow cast on the table in front of her, curtesy of a red glow. She hung her head. “He is literally right behind me, isn’t he?”

“Do you even have to ask?” Helen replied.

Sunset raised to her feet. She and Helen turned to see Dan standing well within arm’s length of the two, staring at the both of them with an irked expression one might reserve for two girls who helped plant a bomb that could potentially hurt or kill one’s girlfriend.

Sunset gulped. “And I meant ‘deranged lunatic’ in the nicest possible way.”

Dan spoke up, “You know, I wasn’t actually offended.”

“Oh?” Sunset said.

Dan nodded and held a palm up. “I mean, it’s not like I’m under any illusions that I’m what most would consider ‘well-adjusted’.” Dan’s wide, toothy, and crazed looking grin returned. “Plus, I’m about to pound you both into jelly... I mean… sane people probably don’t do stuff like that.”

“Please!” Helen cried. “Kill her first!” she said as she pointed to Sunset with a thumb.

Dan paused and put on a slightly ponderous expression, as if seriously considering the request.

“What?!” Sunset cried as she angrily wheeled on Helen.

“I kinda want to watch her die,” Helen added.

“Wow!” Sunset cried. “Tell me how you really feel!” she growled out.

“Oh, come on!” Helen exclaimed. “You left me to die at least twice in the last few minutes.”

Sunset narrowed her eyes. “Wow, Helen! Excuse me for having a personal interest in my continual survival and having trouble establishing emotional bonds with people!”

“That’s your excuse?!” Helen cried. “You encouraged me to fight a guy with super-strength because you have attachment issues?!”

Sunset paused briefly and stared up at the ceiling as she thought about this. “Mostly in that I’m attached to myself.”

Dan shook his head. “Wow lady, you are a piece of work, and as someone who’s big into grudges I totally get how Ms. Horrible Waitress feels and will grant her wish.”

Helen let out a small, happy sounding “Yay!”

Sunset turned and glared at Helen. “You suck so much!”

Helen shrugged. “Whatever, I’m still dying second.” She frowned. “Geez, this kidnapping, multiple-murder plot got dark quickly…”

 Sunset sighed heavily. “I can’t believe that stupid sentence is going to be one of the last things I ever hear….”

Dan pulled back his fist. “Yeah, well… Life sucks and then you get murdered by the person you kidnap—”

Dan was cut off as the sound of wood being pushed out of the way was heard. The trio by the table turned and watched as Dan* emerged from the pile of debris which used to be a desk. Aside from his blue shirt and jeans sporting some new holes and his tie absent, he looked no worse for wear.

Dan* began to dust himself off with a smug smile on his face. “Oh come now, you’ll have to try harder than that.”

“Good idea!” Dan replied. “Just wait right there and I’ll try beating you to death.”

“Asterisk!” Sunset said cheerfully. “You’re alive!”

Dan* cocked an eyebrow at Sunset. “Your newfound enthusiasm for me surviving a desk being thrown at me has been noted.”

“Hey!” Sunset protested. “I was going to mourn like crazy once I got away.”

“You weren’t going to,” Dan replied.

Dan* shook his head. “Oh Danny boy, you can let those two go, can’t you? It’s me you want.”

“Technically I want all three of you,” Dan replied. “And I’m not picky on the order I get you, either.”

The girls pressed themselves against the door and closed their eyes.

“But they had nothing to do with this!” Dan* insisted.

Dan paused, turned, and raised an eyebrow. “Either you’re lying, badly I might add, or that desk did some pretty serious head trauma.”

Dan* sighed. “Sorry girls, I tried.”

“What?!” Sunset cried as she opened her eyes. “That’s the best you could…you could…” Sunset trailed off as Dan reached out for her jacket, grabbing a handful of leather in each hand and pulling her close to his bruised face.

Dan grinned wickedly. “I’d offer for you to say some last words, but since I have little intention of leaving enough of you to bury…”

“Wait!” Sunset cried. “I think I’m developing Stockholm syndrome…” Sunset smiled meekly and added, “…handsome.”

“You kidnapped me,” Dan reminded.

“I meant reverse Stockholm syndrome,” Sunset said.

Helen cocked an eyebrow. “That just sounds like you’ve learned to hate your captor.”

Sunset turned and scowled at Helen. “Wow, you really want him to thrash me, don’t you?”

“I kind of do…”

Dan* called out from across the warehouse. “If it makes you feel better, I’m sure I’ll avenge your dea— Uh-oh…”

“WHA!” Sunset let out a startled cry as she suddenly found herself airborne.

Dan* shifted as if to get out of the way but froze mid-step as Sunset flew towards him.

‘THUMP!’

“Ooof!”

“GAH!”

“Hello, Sunset,” Dan* said with a sly grin to the woman lying on top of him. “Fancy you running into me here.”

Sunset arched her back slightly as she quickly gave herself a pat down. “I’d be getting on your case about that lame pun if I wasn’t happy to be alive and not too banged up—”

“AAAAHHH!” Helen cried as she also found herself airborne.

Sunset frowned as she heard the cry. “Well this will probably su—”

‘THUD!’

Helen smashed into Sunset, who was still lying on top of Dan*. The wood under them clattered at the impact.

“Ooof!”

“ERAG!”

“Oooow… I was right…” Sunset uttered as she looked up and rubbed her forehead.

“Hey!” Dan cried. “I can just beat you all to death with each other! Am I efficient at revenge, or what?”

From her position of being sandwiched face down between Dan* and Helen, Sunset looked down at the man underneath her. “Alright, I’m super happy you’re not dead and all, but please tell me you have a better idea than letting him throw stuff at you until he gets tired, because this isn’t really working out that well for me.”

Helen scowled at Sunset Shimmer and cleared her throat.

Sunset glanced above her. “No one likes an attention hog, Helen,” she replied.

Dan began casually walking towards the pile of people lying in a heap. “Alright, now just stay there. I think I’m going to take turns using you all as clubs to hit each other with.”

“Can’t we just make another break for it?” Helen suggested.

Sunset shook her head and stared down at the man beneath her. “No, someone wanted to make sure Dan had few escape options if he got free, so all the other regular doors have heavy crates in front of them and all the freight doors are locked.”

“Don’t worry,” Dan* said, “I called for backup.”

“Good idea!” Sunset cried. “They can break in then distract and get clobbered by Dan while we make our escape!”

Helen cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t seem to have a high opinion of your fellow teammates.”

“I’ve yet to see any of them pick up a desk and throw it like a piece of inflatable furniture!” Sunset replied.

“Help will be here any second now,” Dan* insisted.

Sunset looked down again. “By any second, do you mean any second amongst the next few?!” Sunset cried as she watched Dan walk into a few yards of the group. “Because I’ve just learned that being thrown at someone and having someone thrown at you is, in fact, as painful as one might imagine.”

Dan* smiled. “Don’t worry, Dan’s ran afoul of some pretty dangerous individuals and one of them is about to pay him a visit.”

Suddenly from behind Dan, a small square section of the floor lifted on a hinge revealing a hidden compartment just big enough for a man person to emerge.

“NOVOCAIN!”

Dan turned as a he heard a masculine voice shout behind him, too late to do much more than watch as a light blue ray slammed into his body. Dan let out a pained “Gahahahahah…” as electricity arched over him. He quickly fell to the floor.

“Hello Danny,” the voice said, practically cooing with devilish delight. “It’s been a while since you’ve scheduled a cleaning with me.”

Hoping for an angry and accusatory ‘YOU!’ Dan instead uttered a strained and slightly gurgled sounding “Ywouou…” as he looked up at the source of the blast.

A well-built man wearing white and purple tights, black, elbow-length gloves, black boots, a black belt with a red belt buckle stood tall. His malevolent smile flanked on either side by a white helmet that went down around the sides’ of the man’s face. A purple cape with a high collar completed the ensemble, and the man held what appeared to be a large version of a dentist’s cleaning tool. A yellow emblem that could have been a talon with three claws or perhaps a tooth with three long roots facing up was on the man’s chest, helmet, and belt-buckle.

Dan* turned and grinned. “See ladies? I had it under control.”

Sunset glanced over. “What… was he supposed to make some grand entrance during you talking to Dan, or something, and then Dan was going to be all shocked and surprised?”

Dan* nodded. “Indeed, Dan just acted…” Dan trailed off slightly as if searching for a specific word. “… erratically… so things didn’t quite go to plan.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “That’s a funny way of saying ‘I had no idea Dan had superpowers and could clobber everyone here’!”

“Who is that?” Helen asked as she pointed to the man in tights.

“Some supervillain that also used to be Dan’s dentist,” Sunset explained.

“Wait… Did Dan drive him to a life of evil?” Helen asked. “Because I can totally see that.”

Dan* spoke up, “Actually Dr. Pullum was already a supervillain before he met Dan.”

Sunset looked at the woman on top of her in annoyance. “So now that we’re far less likely to be killed, do you mind getting off of us?! I have things to do that don’t involve lying in a pile of broken desk sandwiched between a boring idiot and an overconfident doofus!”

“Whoops…” Helen said. “I mean… ‘Hey’!”

“Oh, just get off already!”

Helen gave Sunset a dirty look as she rolled off of her and onto her feet.

Dan* frowned at Sunset as the two also got up out of the pile. “Sunset, I am hurt to the core,” he said as he brushed himself off once more.

Sunset folded her arms across her chest. “Oh please, like I haven’t called you worse.”

Dan* chuckled to himself as he looked across the warehouse at Dr. Pullum. “Well doctor, I’m guessing our mutual friend has been neutralized.”

Dan attempted to push himself up onto his hands and knees. His arms gave way as they slipped on the concrete below. “Gwonnwa… gwonnwa smwash ywoua all…”

Dr. Pullum opened his lips wide in a smile, revealing a set of teeth that looked unnaturally perfect. “He won’t be able to feel a thing for quite some time. It’s doubtful he’ll be able to put up much of a fight.” He frowned slightly. “Which is a bit of a shame, actually I meant to go to work on his teeth without the use of anesthetic to pass the time…”

Sunset cringed slightly. “Ouch… Well that sounds unpleasant…”

“Well, Danny here ruined my life’s work of a villain's lair and my plans of world domination,” Dr. Pullum explained.

“Dwon’t call me… Dwanny…” Dan said angrily as saliva began to drip down from the left corner of his mouth.

“Uh… wow…” Sunset says. “That’s rough…”

Helen turned to Sunset and grinned at her. “Well? Aren’t you going to tell Dr. Pullum here that Dan’s girlfriend won a non-official figure-skating contest you had entered?”

“Shut up!” Sunset snapped. “I was also left for dead by her and my boyfriend!”

 “Oh right,” Helen said still grinning. “I’m sure that’s right up there with having your life’s work ruined.”

Sunset glared at Helen. “You’re just lucky I already have plans to beat up someone I hate more than you tonight.”

“Whatever,” Helen said waving her arm about dismissively. She looked over at Dan as he continued his attempts at standing. “What did you hit him with?”

Dr. Pullum grinned as he placed his staff-length dental tool on the ground and held it upright. “I thought that was obvious.”

Sunset cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t honestly expect us to believe you shot him with Novocain, do you?”

Dr. Pullum frowned slightly. “Well… it’s more of a ray that causes the entire body to go numb.”

“Ah,” Sunset said simply, “so you just named it that because of your whole weird dentist theme.”

Dr. Pullum narrowed his eyes slightly at Sunset. “Oh please, don’t tell me you’ve never named a device or special move or whatever it is you use after the sun or fire, or whatever your theme is supposed to be,” Dr. Pullum retorted as he motioned out at Sunset’s outfit.

Helen laughed to herself as Sunset looked down at her chest and outfit. “What?! This isn’t a supervillain costume! I always dress like this.”

Dr. Pullum cocked an eyebrow.  “You always wear knee-high, black leather boots with purple flames?”

Sunset glared at Dr. Pullum angrily and raised her index finger. “I… you… shut up!” she cried indignantly.

Dan* shook his head and motioned to Sunset. “You’ll have to excuse Sunset, she’s not big on making friends.”

Sunset turned towards Dan* with an angry look and opened her mouth as if she was about to snap at him, but stopped as she and everyone else noticed the red glow that emanated from Dan’s body increase in intensity.

“Stwop…stwop ignowring meee…” Dan growled out angrily as he laboriously pushed his body up. Sweat dripped from his forehead as he stared intensely at his arms.

“Wait,” Helen said. “What if rays and stuff just make Dan more angrier, and therefore, more dangerous? You know, like the Incredible Hulk.”

Sunset’s eye twitched. “You could have just said angrier.”

“What?” Helen replied.

“You said ‘more angrier’,” Sunset pointed out. “You should have said ‘more angry’ or better yet ‘angrier’. Geez, how can you be so stupid and boring!”

Helen glared at Sunset. “There’s an angry man who is glowing red, is super strong, and is trying to kill us, and you’re playing grammar nazi?”

Sunset shrugged. “If I’m going to die, it might as well be doing what I love… pointing out when other people are being idiots.”

“Girls, girls,” Dan* said as he held his palms up. “We’re perfectly safe! Dan can’t even lift himself, let alone his fists to hurt any of us.”

Dan shot an expression of pure rage at his double, the left side of his mouth opening slightly in a sneer as a small trickle of drool escaped. He slowly leaned his body back and pushed off with his hands, nearly toppling backwards, however he suddenly lurched forward and woozily balanced his torso on his bent legs. He stared downwards and slowly straightened his legs, the light from him slowly increasing as he stood up to his full, though admittedly short, height.

The group went quiet and stared as Dan raised his hands in front of his face.

Sunset Shimmer broke the silence, speaking in a sort of detached monotone despite the worried look in her face. “He’s standing and lifting his fist up as if he wants to hurt us.”

Dan* nodded. “Yes, that does seem the case,” he said simply.

“You said he couldn’t do that,” Sunset added.

“Hindsight is always 20/20, dear,” Dan* replied.

“Don’t worry,” Dr, Pullum said as he lifted his hooked weapon and adjusted his grip on it. He held it not unlike a baseball bat as he positioned it behind him and took several steps closer to Dan. “I can apply more local anesthetic.”

Dr. Pullum swung his ‘staff’, the back of the hook on a collision course for Dan’s head.

Dan swatted behind him at the metal weapon as it approached. With a loud ‘clang!’ the metal hook bent.

Dr. Pullum yelped a startled “Ah!” as the weapon in his hands suddenly twisted out of his grip on contact with Dan’s hand. The item clattered to the concrete floor. Dr. Pullum took a few cautionary steps back away from Dan.

Sunset continued narrating events with the same monotone and same panicked-looking face. “He just disarmed the supervillain,” she said.

Helen shot Sunset an irritated look. “We’re right here! We can see what he’s doing!”

Sunset continued to stare at Dan. “I’m just waiting for someone to do something that makes it so I probably won’t die in the next few seconds…”

Still woozy on his feet, Dan knelt and straightened his still glowing hands. He thrust his fingers into the concrete in front of him. The solid material cracked and gave way easily as his hands then arms sunk in with a ‘CRUNCH!’ almost as if Dan had thrust his hands into crunchy, opaque, grey pudding.

“He’s tearing into the concrete,” Sunset said, her voice almost monotone.

“Yes, I can see that,” Dan* replied.

The ground cracked in front of Dan forming a ragged circle a couple feet across. Despite obviously struggling with numbness, Dan began to lift the piece of the floor up as he rose back up to his feet.

“He’s picking up a chunk of it…” Sunset added.

“Definitely noted, dear,” Dan* replied.

Helen and Sunset soon found themselves huddling close to Dan* as the red glow intensified. Dan held stood back up to his feet and held the chunk of concrete above him.

“Girls, girls,” Dan* said. “There’s nothing to be afraid of. He can’t feel anything! How is he supposed to hit us?”

“It’s very large and we’re not that far away!” Sunset pointed out.

With a grunt, Dan heaved the heavy object in his hands. The group all looked up as Dan’s throw went a bit high. So high in fact that the chunk of concrete flew upwards, destroying a light fixture and some ducting above Dan before tearing through the thin metal ceiling with a ‘CLANK!’

“See!” Dan* said as he happily motioned to the large hole in the ceiling of the warehouse. “He can’t aim to save his life… literally…”

Sunset stared up at the hole. “I’m not sure whether to be scared or relieved that that chunk of rock might have achieved orbit and won’t be falling back on us…”

Helen’s mouth simply hung agape.

“Quickly!” Dr. Pullum cried. “To the escape hatch!”

Dan simply shot the three people in front of them a hate-filled stare as they shifted a bit, then broke into a sprint, running past him. Soon all four were heading for the hatch that Dr. Pullum had emerged from.

‘CLANK!’

The group looked up as the chunk of concrete fell back through the roof, knocking down piping before continuing its decent…

‘CRUNCH!’

… onto the escape hatch. The four threw up their hands and arms as the concrete shattered into dust and gravel, peppering them with errant pebbles. Once the dangers of taking a rock to the eye had passed, everyone lowered their arms and stared into the now dusty area they were heading towards.  When the dust had cleared, the four could see the result of the solid object coming back down. The escape hatch was now closed, cracked, and warped, wedged solidly to the floor around it.

Helen and Dr. Pullum turned to glare at Sunset.

“WHAT?!” Sunset cried as she held her palms up and flung them downward “It’s concrete that wasjust thrown into the air! How was I supposed to know it could hear me!?”

“Don’t worry!” Dan* said. “I have a cunning plan.”

Sunset sighed. “Oh, this ought to be good…”

Dan* smiled. “Oh ye of little faith, all we have to do is dodge what Dan throws at us until he creates a hole we can all escape from!”

Helen spoke up. “But what if all this tearing at the place causes the warehouse to collapse on us?”

There was a brief uncomfortable silence.

Dr. Pullum coughed.

Sunset narrowed her eyes as she stared at Dan*. “You’re not that great at thinking on your feet, are you?”

“No… no I am not…” Dan* admitted sheepishly.

‘CRUNCH!’

The group looked back up as Dan began to tear up more of the flooring.

“Uh… Doctor?” Dan* said. “Any ideas?”

Dr. Pullum shook his head. “He’s already completely numb… Anything else I could do to him is reliant on him feeling pain.”

Sunset cocked an eyebrow. “Wow, you’re really committed to this evil dentist thing, aren’t you?”

“Sunset, dear?” Dan* said. “Could we maybe hold the snark until we’re safe?”

“Fine!” Sunset snapped. “Let’s just… I don’t know… spread out on the count of three so he can’t take out all of us with one hit.”

The other three people around Sunset nodded.

“…One—”

Everyone around Sunset scattered.

Sunset looked around her and sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t see that coming…”

Dan cleared his throat, or rather, tried to clear his throat, the sound he produced containing a bit more gurgle on account of the unusual amount of drool pooling up in his mouth.

Sunset looked at Dan as he held another chunk of concrete over his head. She locked her aquamarine eyes with Dan’s emerald ones. Despite the fact that Dan’s body wobbled and teetered slightly as if he would collapse at a moment’s notice, his eyes were as sharp and as clear as ever.

Sunset scrunched her brow and widened her stance slightly, her expression caught somewhere between a determined focus as she considered dodging and an unsure look as she wondered if she was simply better off staying put and hoping the next throw went wide again.

“Sleep!”

Sunset heard a masculine voice call out a command and saw a green bottle hit the ground in front of Dan, a colorless liquid poured out from the open top. She smelled something rather sweet before the scent became sour and overpowering. Her vision blurred and she began to feel her legs give out from under her as the rest of her senses dulled. She looked up to notice Dan fling his arms forward, and the chunk of concrete he was holding surged forward.

…And then Sunset Shimmer’s world went black.

-ooooo-

“Uh… Pinkie?” Chris said tentatively as he looked at his obviously irate passenger.

Pinkie scowled at Chris from the passenger’s seat. “I still have one more shoe,” she growled out in a warning tone.

“Okay, it’s just… you left the door to your and Dan’s apartment wide open,” Chris informed.

Pinkie looked up through the windshield up at the apartment door and let out a low, exasperated groan as if the act of getting out of the car and walking back up the stairs to the apartment required some herculean effort. The groan turned into a phlegmy sound as Pinkie dragged it out. “Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhchchchchchchchc…”

“Look on the bright side!” Elise said. “This way you can go up and change your skir—”

“Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhchchchchchchchchchch… I thought you wanted me to go to the frickin’ hospital!” Pinkie cried.

Elise nodded. “Well yes, but I’m going to feel a lot better knowing you’re not exposing yourself to everyone around you with your torn skirt there.”

“Fiiiiine!” Pinkie huffed out. “Guess I’ll go change because you’re all obsessed with my crotch!” Pinkie cried as she threw open the car door and stepped out.

Chris stared out blankly into space. “I don’t… I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to that…”

Jean spoke up, “I’ve found it’s best to pay no mind to Pinkie wearing or not wearing clothes. It makes for far less awkward conversations.”

“SEE?!” Pinkie cried as she began ascending up the apartment complex’s stairs. “Jeany knows what’s what!”

Chris sighed and placed his arms against the steering wheel, followed by resting his forehead against his arms. He noticed something on the floor and reached down for it.

Chris quickly opened his door and held up a black sneaker. “Pinkie, you forgot—GHA!” Chris cried out in alarm and held his hands in front of his face as another shoe was lobbed at him.

“STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT CLOTHES!” Pinkie shouted back.

The black sneaker bounced off Chris’s arms and fell to the ground below.

“See!” Jean said.

“Chris, I think we should listen to Jean,” Elise said. “He seems to have a lot more experience in this area, and I don’t think we should be agitating Pinkie when she’s in such a volatile state.”

Chris sighed and bent down to pick up the shoe that was just thrown at him. He retreated back into the car and placed both black sneakers on the floor of the passenger side.

Soon, Pinkie emerged from the apartment wearing a pair of blue jeans and holding Mr. Mumbles as she continued to scowl out at anything in front of her with a grumpy expression. She cradled Mr. Mumbles in one arm and reached out for the apartment door with her free hand, quickly slamming it shut behind her as she swiftly walked down the apartment walkway towards the stairs.

Pinkie made her way down the stairs and back to the open passenger side door where she promptly sat down and flashed a sour look across the car occupants.

“There!” Pinkie said as she lifted one of her blue-jean covered legs up. “Will you all stop bugging me now!?”

Chris stared at Mr. Mumbles quizzically. “Well, we’re certainly glad you covered up a bit, but what’s with Mr. Mumbles?”

“My plans require an army!” Pinkie cried as she held up the furry gray cat.

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles chimed in.

Elise spoke up, “But didn’t you say this guy was expecting you to show up with everyone? I mean, aren’t you afraid you’re playing right into his hands?”

“I DON’T CARE!” Pinkie shrieked as she lowered Mr. Mumbles to her lap. “I WANT TO RALLY THE TROOPS AND WRECK THE SMUG JERK THAT STOLE MY SMUG JERK!” Pinkie’s left eye twitched as her teeth quickly gritted against each other. She narrowed her eyes, paying no notice to the spasm. “He may have his plans, but we have a whole mess of crazy on our side!”  Pinkie wrung her hands together. “We’ll see just how well his plans go when we throw a cat into the works.”

Mr. Mumbles titled her head up at Pinkie and hissed in protest.

Pinkie looked down. “Not literally.”

Jean smiled. “Hey, maybe it would help if I gave Mr. Mumbles the ability to shoot radioactive beams from her eyes again.”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles said in an excited tone.

Pinkie sighed heavily and scowled out into open space.

Elise’s eyes lit up. “Wait, you actually know how to do that?” she said as she turned towards Jean.

“Sure!” Jean said happily. “I mean… I did it once, I can easily—“

Pinkie cried and glared out angrily at the two people in the back seat of the car. “SHUT UP!” she cried shrilly. “WE’RE ALREADY WASTING TIME BY GOING TO THE LOSER PLACE FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN’T JUST WALK OFF THEIR POTENTIALLY LETHAL INJURIES! YOU TWO CAN PLAY KISSY-FACED MAD-SCIENTIST WHEN WE’VE AVENGED DAN!”

Jean and Elise’s faces flushed slightly and they sat back in their seats quietly.

Chris’s face went pale briefly before his brow knit in confusion. “Wait, you said ‘avenged Dan’—”

“No, I said ‘AVENGED DAN!’” Pinkie cried.

Chris frowned. “I just said that that’s what you said!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “No, what you said was what I just said was a lot quieter and stupider-sounding.”

Chris sighed. “Anyhow, shouldn’t you have said—”

“You know… probably because you’re stupid!”

“Hey…” Chris protested in a slightly sad tone. “I just thought you’d be a bit more focused on rescuing Dan, and not avenging him.”

“We’re going to do both!” Pinkie insisted. “But this is Dan we’re talking about! I mean… D’uuuuh! He’d want us to avenge him!”

Chris paused and thought about this, his eyes widening slightly as realization set in. “Okay,” he replied, “but I mean… I don’t think his kidnapper is going to be thrown off if we bring Mr. Mumbles. I mean… he probably expects—”

‘Thump!’

“OW!” Chris rubbed the side of his head that was just visited by the now, rather familiar, underside of a black sneaker.

“HEY!” Pinkie cried. “Is that the sound of a car just sitting there?!” she asked. “Maybe you ought to get on that, monkey-face!”

Chris sighed heavily and shook his head as he started the car. “I miss Dan…” he uttered as he drove the blue sedan away from the sidewalk and onto the street.

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 134 Pinkie Vs. Hospital Trip

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 134 Pinkie Vs. Hospital Trip

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 134 Pinkie Vs. Hospital Trip

-ooooooo-

Sunset opened her eyes, her blurred vision slowly coming into focus as she noticed a number of people hovering around her. Her vision returning was quickly followed by the not-very-pleasant-at-all sensation of her head throbbing. Slowly she processed her surroundings, noting she was lying down with her head in Dan*’s lap as he, Helen, Dr. Pullum, and a man with chin-length, wavy brown hair wearing eye shadow hovered over her. The man with eye shadow she recognized as Magnifico the Magnificent.

Dan* was the first to speak. “That was quite the smack on the head. Are you alright?”

Sunset darted her eyes across the concerned-looking faces, each one seemingly looking for some sign that she was okay.

She gave them one. “… Am I in Hell?”

The group collectively rolled their eyes. Most of the members leaned up, putting a little more distance between themselves and the constantly foul-tempered Sunset Shimmer.

“Yep, she’s fine,” Helen said.

Despite her response, Dan* couldn’t help but smile a little bit as he shook his head. “You always know how to make an impression on people.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sunset said in a dismissive tone signifying she was no stranger to the line Dan* had spoken. She didn’t bother to move her head as she brought a hand up to it and rubbed it. “So how’d Magnifico get in here? We were pretty trapped last thing I remember.”

Magnifico smiled and gestured to himself, the jewelry on his wrist jingling slightly as he did. “Magnifico the Magnificent is a master of grand entrances! My magic knows no bounds!” he announced.

Sunset moved her head enough to scan the warehouse. She noted one of the freight doors had been opened ever so slightly. “I’m guessing knowing a little lock-picking doesn’t hurt either?”

Magnifico furrowed his brow and glared down at Sunset.

Dan* shook his head. “You’ll have to excuse Sunset, she doesn’t really do gratitude.”

Helen chimed in. “Or positive emotion for that matter.”

Sunset furrowed her brow and sneered up at Helen. “Sorry if I’m in a bad mood,” she said in a tone that was quite far from apologetic, “but you all left me to die back there!”

Helen smirked. “Hello Pot? This is the kettle. Have I news for you!”

“I… shut up!” Sunset snapped. “Just…” Sunset glanced over at Dan, who simply laid on the ground in a heap, a pool of drool forming around his open mouth. The only signs that he was still alive was the small and steady movement of his chest in and out and the obvious, obnoxiously loud snoring he was doing. “What happened to us?”

Magnifico was all too happy to answer. “Magnifico cast his most powerful sleep spell!”

Sunset thought about this briefly, remembering the bottle she saw and the smell that hit her before she blacked out. “Is that what they’re calling a thrown bottle of chloroform these days?” she asked.

Magnifico returned to scowling down at Sunset.

“You really have trouble expressing gratitude, don’t you?” Helen quipped.

Sunset sighed heavily. “Maybe I wouldn’t if everyone around here wasn’t such a goofball!” Sunset paused as she felt something wet and sticky trickle onto her nose. She crossed her eyes and noticed a small red stream. She quickly lifted a hand to her forehead. Her fingertips felt warm and sticky on contact and she brought them in front of her eye. “I’m… I’m bleeding? I thought I hit my head on the floor…?”

Dan* nodded. “You did. However, Dan threw the concrete just as you both began to pass out. It almost hit you, but ended up just scratching your forehead as it passed over you.”

Sunset paused then shivered slightly. Although she had spent the last several minutes in mortal peril, only now did it dawn on her just how close she had come to dying. She leaned up into a sitting position and woozily tried to balance herself as she continued to hold a palm against her throbbing head. She looked up at Magnifico. “Uh… thanks for showing up when you did, and possibly making it so I didn’t die.”

Magnifico looked down at Sunset with a blank expression. His lips slowly opened into a small smile and he lowered a hand. Sunset reached out and grasped the hand firmly. Magnifico helped Sunset to her feet.

“You know… I could use another lovely assistant,” Magnifico practically purred out.

“Pass,” Sunset said shaking her head slightly. “I don’t do second fiddle… plans of vengeance aside… Plus Trixie might flip her stuff if I accepted. I don’t need the temper tantrum that’s sure to follow.”

Magnifico shrugged. “Very well. Let me know if you change your mind.”

“Whatever,” Sunset said. She turned towards Dan* as he rose back up to his feet. “So what do we do now? I mean… we’re holding a man who apparently has super strength. That certainly wasn’t in the plan.”

Helen spoke up, “I say we just kill him.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Awwww, but he looks so peaceful snoring like a little demon.”

Dr. Pullum frowned. “Well that just sounds anticlimactic,” he said in a disappointed tone.

Dan* chimed in, “Not to mention counterproductive to luring all of Dan’s friends here so we can eliminate them all.”

Helen cocked an eyebrow. “We don’t need to tell them he’s dead.”

“True,” Dan* replied, “but as soon they figure out Dan’s not alive, they start figuring out a way to get revenge rather than a way to rescue him.”

Helen folded her arms across her chest. “How would they even find out?”

“At least one of Dan’s friends is incredibly resourceful both in terms of competence and access to resources. If she figures out all we have is Dan’s corpse, we all probably get to spend the rest of what may be short lives looking over our backs.”

Magnifico crinkled his brow slightly. “My front is too good-looking for me to spend my time looking at my back.”

Helen turned towards Magnifico. “So what? We just keep him around and hope he doesn’t get loose and start throwing some of the building at us again?!”

Sunset frowned. “She has a point, unless I dozed off during the ‘we run around and pray way don’t get hit by chunks of concrete’ part of the plan.”

Magnifico pursed his lips. “Dan is extraordinarily dangerous if he can tap into the powers of the fourth dimension to do all this,” he said as he motioned to the damaged warehouse that enclosed the group.

Dan* held his hands up defensively. “Look, this is really all very simple. We just need to keep him in a state where he doesn’t pose a threat! We have a licensed dentist here and plenty of chloroform! I’m sure we can keep him alive and harmless.” He turned towards Dr. Pullum. “Right, doctor?”

Dr. Pullum rubbed his chin and glanced up briefly. “Well, I should be able to keep him in a state of semi-consciousness… At least that way we can make things uncomfortable for him… though it’d be a far-cry from the excruciating state I was hoping for.”

“See!” Dan* said as he motioned towards Dr. Pullum with both his hands.

Sunset shook her head. “Whatever… you guys can lock him in shackles and fill him with whatever gas, liquid, or pill he needs so he doesn’t crush us with pieces of the floor. I’m going to grab some coffee and celebrate not being dead.” Sunset glanced at Helen. “Do you want one? My treat. I’m feeling generous on account of me still being alive.”

Helen glared at Sunset. “You wanted me to go up and fight Dan just so you could escape and now you want to sit down and have a cup of coffee with me?!”

“And you wanted to watch Dan kill me first,” Sunset retorted. “Look, do you want free coffee or not?”

Helen paused briefly and stared at Sunset with a blank expression on her face. She sighed. “Yeah, actually that sounds… that sounds really good right now…”

-ooooo-

“Well that took for frickin’ ever!” Pinkie cried as sliding glass doors parted, allowing her to walk out onto a sidewalk underneath a large, green overhang that extended from the hospital and across a two-lane street.

Chris, Elise, and Jean followed close behind.

Chris spoke up as the group walked across the street, “Actually, that was one of the shortest trips to the hospital I’ve ever been involved in.” He paused and added, “And it was nice to not have to go because I was injured for a change…”

Elise nodded and glanced at Pinkie. “Yeah, they saw you right away when you showed them that head injury.”

Chris glanced up as he rubbed his chin. “Though, I’m guessing slamming your insurance card on the counter and throwing a wad of money at the receptionist while telling her to ‘make it snappy’ didn’t hurt.”

Jean sighed. “You know I have medical equipment back home. I’m sure I could have safely removed that little chip of plastic from Pinkie’s cranium and given her some new abilities.”

Elise chuckled and smiled at Jean, the sunlight lighting up her face as the group walked out from under the overhang topped with the words ‘St. Larry’s Hospital’.

“That’s okay, Jean,” Elise said. “Pinkie’s scary enough right now without you giving her the ability to shoot lightning out of her fingertips.”

Jean shook his head. “Never figured out how to do that. Though I have figured out how to get dogs to fire electricity when they bark.”

“Really?” Elise said with interest.

The group approached a wide set of concrete stairs. The stairs led down a large hill, ending at another sidewalk which was next to a parking lot.

Pinkie stopped, frowned, and began patting down her personage. She dropped her head slightly as she scowled out into open space. “Uhg… I left my handbag in the examining room and it’s got my stabbing knife in it… You dorks go get the car or something and I’ll meet you downstairs.” Pinkie quickly pivoted and marched back into the hospital, shoving her way past healthy visitors and the sick or injured alike as she single-mindedly tramped on to retrieve her handbag.

Elise turned after Pinkie and frowned. “Well… I guess we better get going…” she uttered.

“You two go ahead,” Chris said. “I’m going to stay back here and make sure Pinkie doesn’t get arrested.”

Elise smiled and nodded. “Good idea.” She turned towards Jean. “Now maybe you can tell me a little bit more of these dogs that bark electricity?”

Jean smiled. “With pleasure,” he said as he and Elise began walking down the concrete steps.

Chris sighed as he watched Elise and Jean walk down the stairs and into the parking lot, both motioning out with their hands excitedly as they enjoyed the animated conversation. He slumped down, sitting on the stairs with his elbows resting on his legs and his chin resting on his hands at the hospital steps for a while. He simply watched Elise and Jean with a forlorn expression on his face until Pinkie walked back up, her pink handbag slung diagonally over her green shirt with its abstract floral pattern.

Pinkie looked Chris down at Chris. “What the hay are you doing just sitting around for?”

“Oh just… thinking…” Chris answered.

“Well that explains the burning smell,” Pinkie muttered.

“Heeeey!” Chris protested in a sad-sounding tone as he raised to his feet.

“What?!” Pinkie snapped, looking up at Chris stood up to his full height. “My boyfriend has been kidnapped by an obsessed maniac and rather than be upset or angry about it, you just look like a lost puppy!”

“I’m sure Dan will be fine,” Chris said, “I mean… he’s had to have dealt with worse, right?”

“That’s not even the point!” Pinkie cried in a shrill tone. “Dan’s in trouble and all anyone can talk about is if I’m wearing anything under my skirt, or if I should go to the hospital, or even what chemicals to use if you want a fireproof capybara that’s also always on fire!”

Chris hung his head. “I can’t believe those two sat and talked about mutations and DNA manipulation the entire time we were at the hospital!”

“I can’t believe how little I care!” Pinkie replied. “Oh wait, yes I do… I don’t care at all! Have you listened to a word I said?!”

Chris continued as if Pinkie had not just expressed complete disinterest and annoyance with him. “I can’t even remember the last time Elise looked so happy talking to anyone!”

“I don’t recall asking you about your boring personal problems,” Pinkie said as she scowled at Chris.

“Pinkie, be honest… Do you think Elise might be happier with someone who was… Oh, I don’t know… smarter than me?”

“I know I’d be happier with someone quieter!” Pinkie snapped.

Chris sighed. “Guess this isn’t a great time to be seeking relationship advice from you…”

“That was a hint for you to shut up, by the way.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “I got that, thanks.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think you did.”

Chris uttered yet another sigh, this one a tad more defeated than the last few before it.

The two turned their attention back down the stairs as a thin, bald man with a gruff expression in a wheelchair slowly rolled closer to the pair, pushing his wheelchair along the sidewalk heading towards the hospital. He wore a simple black t-shirt, and jeans, both far too baggy for him and a black beanie that covered his head. The skin on the back of the man’s neck and head was bright pink and had a slightly raw and exposed look to it as if it was still healing.

Pinkie suddenly froze in place as she saw the man. She started intently narrowing her eyes as the man drew closer and closer.

The man’s gruff expression turned downright ugly as he caught Pinkie’s dirty look. “Hey broad, what’s with the evil eye? Never seen a burn victim before?” the man said in a deep, gravelly voice.

Pinkie’s eye twitched and she gritted her teeth briefly. “Yeah, once,” she answered. “After the guy tried to mug me.”

The man paused and stared up at Pinkie, his eyes went wide and the color drained from his face as he took in the color of her hair and eyes. There was a silent but intense uncomfortable pause as the two stared at each other.

The man finally spoke up. “Uh… wow… tough break, lady…”

The corners of Pinkie’s lips suddenly went out and up into a giant grin. “Poor choice of words,” Pinkie said before closing her mouth into a smile once more, the corners of her lips as small and as pointed as ice picks.

Chris simply watched with a slightly confused expression.

The man gulped. “Wait… Let’s talk about this… We can make a deal…” he pleaded as Pinkie walked behind the wheelchair.

Chris’s eyes shot open wide. “Pinkie! What are you—”

“Stop, drop, and roll, pal,” Pinkie said darkly before she pushed the wheelchair down the stairs.

“No! Wait! AAAAAAHHHHH!”

Chris could only stare in shock as he watched both man and wheelchair tumble down the concrete steps. The metal chair clattered as the man yelped and cried in pain accompanied by the odd ‘thump’ and ‘crack’as he hit each step. Soon the screaming stopped, shortly before the sounds of the man hitting the steps ceased.

Chris’s mouth hung agape as he attempted to process what he had just witnessed. He looked down the steps at the man who laid motionless on the sidewalk below.

Pinkie sighed heavily. “Do you know how many smoochees I’d be in for if Dan saw me do that!?”

Chris looked at Pinkie in disbelief. “You threw a handicapped man down the stairs because Dan would approve if he was here?!”

“Well, that and the fact that I hate that guy!”

“Huh?” Chris said. He looked back down the stairs. “Why?”

“That’s the guy who tried to mug me the day I showed up here!” Pinkie cried as she flung her hands to her sides.

“Oh…” Chris said. “I guess that makes your action a bit less morally concerning if perhaps no less illegal…”

A blue sedan suddenly pulled up to the bottom of the stairs, quickly followed by Elise and Jean throwing open the doors and stepping out of the car, concern clear on their faces.

“OH MY GOD!” Elise exclaimed as she looked the unmoving heap of a man at the bottom of the steps. “WHAT HAPPENED?!”

“I pushed him down the stairs,” Pinkie said simply as she walked down towards the car, Chris following her. “Are you done gawking? We have a busy day ahead of us!”

“WHY DID YOU PUSH THIS MAN DOWN THE STAIRS?!” Elise cried.

“Because he tried to mug me!” Pinkie said, scowling at Elise as she reached the bottom of the stairs.

“From a wheelchair?!”

“What? No! Not just now, you dummy! When I first arrived in the city!” Pinkie pushed passed Jean and reclaimed the front passenger’s seat. Pinkie’s voice started to become increasingly shrill as she spoke, “Now if everyone is done not making revenge their number one priority, can we please get a buckin’ move on andstop wasting time on a crippled mugger!”

Mr. Mumbles gave an excited “Meow” as she jumped from the back seat and onto Pinkie’s lap. Pinkie buckled her seatbelt and began absentmindedly petting Mr. Mumbles.

“Oh,” Elise said as the concern on her face fell away, “that’s the guy who tried to rob when you first got here? That’s okay then.”

Chris turned towards Elise and frowned. “You’re seriously okay with Pinkie tossing a helpless man down a flight of steps?”

“Helpless, sure,” Elise said, “but that doesn’t mean the guy didn’t deserve it.”

“See!” Pinkie said as she leaned to her left slightly to get a better look at Elise and Chris. “Elise understands! Stop being a wet blanket and get in the car already!”

“Look,” Chris said, “I get that this guy is probably a bad guy, but—”

“But you want a shoe thrown at you again?” Pinkie suggested.

Chris slowly raised his hands in front of his face. “—maybe we shouldn’t just leave him on the sidewalk like this.” Chris closed his eyes and turned his head away from Pinkie, holding his hands up as shields in case a shoe was thrown his direction.

 Pinkie paused to rub her chin as she thought about this. “Huh… I guess he might survive, I mean… we are pretty close to the hospital… I can always finish the job…” Pinkie reached to unbuckle her seatbelt.

Chris quickly sat in the driver’s seat and placed a hand on Pinkie’s seatbelt. “Hey! Maybe we should just go and concentrate on helping Dan.”

Pinkie removed her hands from her seatbelt. “Finally you said something not totally stupid!”

Chris gave another heavy sigh as Elise and Jean walked towards the back of the car and climbed in. Chris quickly started the car and pulled away from the steps, the wheelchair, and the man lying in a heap.

Pinkie jumped straight into the matter at hand. “Alright, we need a theme before we go out and start revengening,” she declared.

Chris frowned. “I don’t think that’s a word…”

‘Slap!’

“OW!” Chris exclaimed.

“Pinkie!” Elise exclaimed. “Don’t slap Chris! Especially while he’s driving!”

“He undermined my revengening planning!” Pinkie cried.

Chris sighed and but said nothing as he rubbed his cheek.

Pinkie continued, “Now which theme would everyone prefer? Tarantino or Kubrick?”

“Theme?” Jean asked in a confused tone.

“Well we can’t go out revengening all random!” Pinkie cried as she turned towards the backseat. “We’ve got to be professionals about this and coordinate our image and plan of attack!”

“We’re talking movies, right?” Chris asked.

“Well d’uuuuuuuuh!” Pinkie replied.

Elise pondered this. “So… what…? Like suits for Tarantino or white pants and shirts with black boots for Kubrick?”

“That’s the idea!” Pinkie confirmed.

Jean looked back and forth between Elise and Chris a few times. “How are you two even following this?”

Chris glanced into the backseat briefly. “When you spend enough time with her, you learn to speak ‘Pinkie’.”

Elise pursed her lips into a small frown. “If we go with Kubrick, do we also have to wear codpieces and suspenders?”

“Oh Elise, don’t be silly!” Pinkie said. “Of course!”

Elise and Chris shot each other a quick, concerned glance and simultaneously answered, “Tarantino.”

Mr. Mumbles gave another “Meow” as if in agreement.

“Great!” Pinkie said. “Chris, drive us to the nearest suit repository! I’ll call everyone and tell them Dan’s been kidnapped and to meet us there!”

Chris crinkled his brow slightly. “So before we go out looking for Dan, you want everyone to dress up in matching suits?”

“Hey!” Pinkie protested. “I don’t want Dan to think I’m sandbagging it in the revenge department just because he’s not around! He expects better of me!”

The other occupants of the car went quiet briefly.

Chris spoke up, “It’s sad how much that makes sense…”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 135 Pinkie Vs. Suit Warehouse

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 135 Pinkie Vs. Suit Warehouse

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 135 Pinkie Vs. Suit Warehouse

-ooooooo-

Dan let out a small groan as he woozily returned to a state of consciousness, or at least semi-consciousness. His body still felt rather numb and he felt as if there was some sort of fog around his head making thinking difficult. Feeling an unpleasant poking sensation against his gums (or possibly stabbing, Dan couldn’t quite tell in his current state), his eyes suddenly opened halfway and he attempted to process the slightly blurry sight he was seeing.

Something large, dome-shaped, shiny, and white was poking up just under his nose and this thing seemed to be the source of the unpleasant sensation in his mouth.  He look past it and saw what seemed to be a mirror… or at least something that resembled his face, if his face constantly did what appeared to be the visual equivalent of a an echo.

“Ahhh Dan, you’re awake again, good,” the mirror image said with a voice much deeper than his own.

Dan thought through the fog well enough to figure out what was happening. “Uhlg… I’ve clearly died and gone to Hell…” Dan said in what was a somewhat slower, tired version of his regular cadence.

Dan heard a snicker and looked around slightly, seeing a human-shaped blur with blond hair, that he identified as Helen, standing next to another human-shaped blur that had red-and-yellow hair. Dan identified the red-and-yellow-haired blur as ‘That-girl-who-helped-kidnapped-me-and-planted-a-bomb in-Pinkie’s-and-my-apartment’, having not bothered to remember her name at this point.

Helen elbowed Sunset Shimmer lightly. “I think you’re hanging out with the wrong short guy. The one in the chains is clearly your soulmate.”

Dan and Sunset synchronized groans. “Uuuuhhhhhgggg!”

“No way,” Sunset cried.

“Never!” Dan said simultaneously, forcing a little more energy into his voice.

The two began to protest in unison.

“I could never hang out with…”

“… such an obnoxiously loud…”

“… joyless…”

 “… whiney…”

“… spiteful…”

“… insufferable…”

“… JER…”

“… BIT…”

The two paused as their eyes widened and they stared at each other. They quickly followed this up by scowling at each other.

Helen chuckled to herself.

Sunset gritted her teeth and began to speak in a low warning, almost threatening even, tone, “Not a word, waitress girl… Not one word.”

“Now Danny,” the shiny white dome said, “you’ll need to stop talking unless you want a cut on your gums.”

“Ulgh...” Dan uttered as he felt what he perceived to be a dentist’s teeth cleaning tool shoved back into his mouth. “Dwon’t call me ‘Dwanny’…” Dan furrowed his brow and concentrated on feeling his hands, attempting to think past the fog and feel past the tingly numbness that seemed to cocoon his entire body. He heard a distant jingling reminiscent of the chains he had been shackled in before, except they somehow sounded far away.

Dan* smiled. “Having trouble focusing are we? I’m not surprised. The good doctor has put enough drugs in your system that you’re barely conscious as it is.”

Dan grimaced at his look-alike and continued to struggle as best he could, however aside from rattling his chains, to what degree he wasn’t sure, he quickly determined he wasn’t getting far.

Dr. Pullum placed the tool he was using on a tray with similar instruments and picked out another.

“So… what…?” Dan asked, his cadence slowing again. “Are you drilling holes in my teeth…? Putting cracks in my enamel…? Slicing up my gums…? Well, despite your best efforts you’ll never break my will to survive long enough until I’ve seen all of you destroyed! …You… you…” Dan trailed off as he mentally swam through the sludge of his brain and attempted to find a suitable insult. “… You fiend!”

“Actually, it’s just a routine cleaning,” Dr. Pullum said. “You always put up such a fight during regular procedures that I didn’t see a point in putting in any more effort than I usually do.”

“… You fiend!”

Those around Dan suddenly turned as there was a sudden ‘Poof!’ accompanied by a pillar of smoke that appeared in the center of the warehouse. The smoke dispersed, revealing two female figures.

“The Grrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeaaat and powerful Trixie has returned!” the female figure wearing a cape announced.

The other female that appeared cleared her throat.

Trixie threw the girl in a simple blue sundress a quick glance. “Oh, and her lovely assistant, too.”

“Assistant?” Fairy Girl said with a grin. “Ye barely did anything compared to me!”

Trixie scowled at Fairy Girl as the two began walking up to the group. “Pulleeease… You may have me beat in raw power, but I’m the one with all the— AHHHH!” Trixie suddenly cried out as she lost her footing, stepping into one of the holes left by Dan ripping out pieces of the floor. She tripped and hit the floor with a soft ‘Thud’. “Trixie down! TRIXIE DOWN!” She cried in a slightly panicky sounding tone.

Fairy Girl stopped and bent down, helping Trixie back up to her feet. “What in the Sídhehappened here?”

Dan* answered her, motioning out to Dan as he did. “It seems our guest here has developed super strength.”

“Well that’s new,” Fairy Girl said. “He certainly didn’t have that ability when I encountered him…”

Dan* nodded. “Hmmm, quite… And he certainly hasn’t run around doing the sort of damage he did here…”

Trixie looked about with a slightly sullen look. “Is no one going to thank me for a job well done!?”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “You put a tape in a VCR. Not exactly the most strenuous task any of us have had to do.”

“And I teleported!” Trixie cried. She gave Sunset a smug look. “You can’t do that! You don’t even know the first thing about real magic.”

Sunset gave Trixie a heavy frown and motioned to some of the damaged areas of the warehouse. “I know it almost killed me.”

Fairy Girl looked at Sunset with interest. “Oh? He did this with magic?”

Another pillar of smoke appeared, this time a thin-framed male covered in black clothing and silver jewelry stood in the center of it. “Yes, Dan has figured out how to tap into the energy of the fourth dimension!” Magnifico cried.

Sunset sighed and brought a palm up to her face. “You just had to hide so you could make an entrance… You couldn’t just stick around and bring this up like a normal person…”

“Hmmph…” Magnifico replied indignantly. “You obviously know little in the way of gratitude if you’re still talking to me like that after I saved you from certain death! You didn’t even offer to get me a coffee!”

“You almost died?” Fairy Girl said in a concerned tone.

“You went for coffee?!” Trixie cried in an outraged tone.

Sunset sighed and walked over to a crate. She grabbed a disposable cup with a plastic lid off of it and walked the item over to Trixie.

Trixie eyed Sunset suspiciously as she grabbed the cup. She took a sip and suddenly a look of sublime contentment came across her as she continued to take small sips out of the slit in the top of the lid.

“You’re welcome,” Sunset said snidely.

Trixie broke out of trance and turned towards Sunset. “Thank you, Sunset. This is acceptable.”

“Whatever,” Sunset said. “You should be so lucky I was willing to order that ridiculous concoction for you.”

“Please,” Helen said, “you still made it a point to whine and moan about it the whole time you ordered it. I think the barista was somehow more sicker of the drink than you by the end of it because of all your complaining!”

“Oh my God!” Sunset cried. “‘Sicker’! Or at least say ‘more sick’!”

“Uhhhhhhhhh…” Dan groaned, the group turned to look at him.

“Iwg chwanged mwy mwignd—” Dan was cut off as Dr. Pullum placed a straw-like device into his mouth, a sound like a small vacuum cut into Dan’s talking.

“AHHHGGGGGGG!” Dan cried.

Dr. Pullum pulled the device out and Dan glared at him. “You’re… you're evil…”

“Well yes,” Dr. Pullum said, “goes along with the whole supervillain thing… However, I was just sucking out the excess fluids out of your mouth so I could continue...”

“… Hate you so much…” Dan replied. “Anyhow, please just kill me so I don’t have to listen to those three anymore.”

Dr. Pullum shook his head as he picked up another dentist tool. “Sorry Danny, but this might take a while… you clearly don’t floss!”

“GHA!” Dan cried as Dr. Pullum returned to cleaning his mouth.

Sunset turned towards Trixie. “What took you two so long anyhow? I mean… magic or not… I’m not entirely sure you two would have been able to do much against a guy who can rip up the concrete floor and throw it, but it would have been nice if he had more options that weren’t us.”

Trixie took a sip of her drink then lowered it. “We stopped for coffee,” she said before taking another sip.

Sunset furrowed her brow as hard as she could possibly furrow it. This ended up breaking her own personal best at brow furrowing, which was no minor accomplishment given Sunset’s eyebrow muscles saw a near constant workout courtesy of her near-constant annoyance. She worked her mouth up and down and attempted to get out a coherent sentence, but only a series of increasingly angrier sounding words came out. “I… what… you…and you… I can’t…”

Fairy Girl smirked. “I think you broke her.”

Trixie frowned as she held her coffee out in front of Sunset. “… Do you want a hit? No backwash, though… I  don’t want to taste your gross sali—”

“GHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“EEEEAAAK!” Trixie cried as she broke into a sprint.

Sunset chased after her with a murderous look in her eyes. She extended her hands out in front of her as she reached out for Trixie’s cape.

“Someone save Trixie!” Trixie cried out.

Dan* gave a heavy sigh and shook his head. He looked towards Helen and Fairy girl. “Ladies? I have to set the next stage of our little plan… Could you please make sure Sunset doesn’t kill Trixie before I get back?”

“Donnae worry,” Fairy Girl said. “We’ll make sure Ms. Complains-All-the-Time doesn’t do anything too drastic…”

Dan* smiled. “Thank you, my dear. Just a brief rendezvous to help lead our target to the bait and we can close this trap,” he said before turning and walking away.

Fairy Girl chuckled to herself as she watched Dan* walk towards one of the warehouse doors, the crate that had blocked it off before having been moved. She looked at Helen with a mischievous grin. “Do ye want to place a wager? I bet you twenty dollars Sunset tires out before she catches Trixie.”

Helen smiled. “Oh you are so on!”

“Iwv’e chwanged mwy mwind…”Dan said through the dental tool in his mouth. “… I wanna swee iwf awngry chwick kwills awny off wou befwour Pwinkwie showws wup.”

-ooooo-

“WHAT!?” Pinkie snapped angrily as she took the black sunglasses off her face and glared angrily. “What do you mean you ‘can’t stay out late, tonight!?’”

Wally stared at Pinkie past his glasses and dabbed at his forehead with his handkerchief. “I… er… have … uh… plans… with… With my daughter…”

“So!?” Pinkie snapped. “Tell her one of your employees is in mortal danger… again!”

The two stood amongst racks and racks of smart-looking suits and dress shirts. Wally wore his usual outfit of a brown suit over a yellow shirt with a red tie. Pinkie was now wearing a black suit with a white shirt and black tie.  Their fellow bakery employees hovered about the store, some now dressed exactly like Pinkie. Some looked on with interest, some perused the racks of clothing, and others pretended to peruse the racks of clothing while glancing occasionally at Pinkie and Wally.

“I… I’m sorry Pinkie, but tonight is just not a good night!” Wally insisted

“Oh, sorry!” Pinkie said sarcastically. “I’ll let Dan’s kidnapper know he should let us all know ahead of time before he does his kidnapping!”

Wally gave Pinkie a crestfallen look then glanced past the racks of suits and smartly dressed mannequins of the store to a window. The sky was beginning to darken as the sun edged ever closer to the horizon, sure to disappear behind some building or another. He shook his head from side to side. “Sorry, I just… I just can’t…” he said before bolting for the door.

Pinkie growled out in frustration then yelled after Wally, “GRRRRRRRR! You’re just lucky there’s someone I still want to slice upwaymore than you!”

Already dressed in matching suits, Chris and Elise watched as Wally ran out the door.

Chris rubbed his chin as he regarded the scene. “Elise… do you think… maybe… Dan is actually good for Pinkie?”

“What?” Elise said. “I mean… I know Dan makes Pinkie very happy, but just look at her! She’s completely psychotic!”

As Wally rushed out of the store, Ninja Dave and Becky stepped in.

“Hey, Pinkie!” Ninja Dave said. “Got your message, we came as soon as we…”

“WHAT THE HAY TOOK YOU TWO SO LONG?!” Pinkie snapped.

“Whoa, Pinkie!” Becky said as she placed her hands in front of her defensively. “We totally jumped to as soon as we got the word about Dan!”

“WELL THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” Pinkie shrieked.

“Whoa, dude!” Ninja Dave said. “Chill out! We’re totally here to help!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Well, you can start by not draggingyour feet when I call and—”

“Uh, Pinkie?” Jean called out from the store. “I’m having trouble finding a suit that’ll fit… and hold all my equipment.”

Pinkie turned and scowled. “Can’t you… I don’t know… drink something that makes you lose or gain weight!?”

“That compound only works on hamsters!” Jean shouted back.

Pinkie sighed and trudged off towards Jean.

Elise continued, “Dan gets kidnapped and her response is to bring us all out to get suits so we’ll match when we march on Dan’s crazy look-alike kidnapper and presumably end his life painfully!”

Chris scrunched his lips slightly. “Okay, but how do we know all that is Dan’s fault?”

“You mean aside from the fact she doesn’t want to disappoint Dan by not taking vengeance seriously?”

“Okay, so maybe that explains the bizarre, violent-movie theme to what we’re doing, but I mean the whole straight hair and knife obsession…?”

“Oh come on!” Elise cried. “You and I both know Dan has almost pushed her to using the knife on him on more than one occasion.”

“Right, but that was Dan antagonizing her… and it’s not like he’s been the only factor in her life that’s made it difficult since she’s got here.”

“What do you mean?”

“The very minute she gets here she’s almost mugged. The next day she watches a clothing store get set on fire by the people who work there because she… because she…” Chris’s face went pale. “Uh… anyhow, after that she witnesses a security guard crash his car into a segue and run off from a flaming wreck, and ever since then it’s been more random fires and explosions, monsters, a superhero turned supervillain… You name it!”

Elise shrugged. “Yeah, but that’s just life in the big city for you…”

“Pinkie doesn’t come from the big city!” Chris said. “She comes from that magical pony land where presumably she wasn’t exposed to constant explosions.”

“So you think the way she’s acting is just because Dan getting kidnapped was the straw that broke the camel’s back? That it finally pushed her into being a homicidal maniac?”

Chris frowned. “I… well… I hope this isn’t permanent… But I mean… say Dan was here and… oh, I don’t know… it was one of us or one of our friends that was kidnapped… Do you really think she’d go psycho killer over that?”

Elise paused briefly and thought about this. “… Okay, so she’s probably acting up because she wants Dan back. That doesn’t mean he’s actually good for her.”

“Well, we both know Pinkie can be a bit off and scary if she’s upset, right? And not just with Dan.”

Elise nodded. “True, she actually seemed to loathe Colby in a way I wouldn’t think was even possible for her… not to mention how she felt about my parents… On that note she certainly seemed willing and capable of stabbing Colby…  Then there was what she almost did to Jean… er… hippy Jean.”

Chris nodded. “Well, what if she felt that way about a lot of things… I mean… what if there’s lots of things that upset her?”

“There probably are!” Elise said. “It’s just that Dan and her always just write them down and then go off and…” Elise trailed off. “Oh…”

“I think Dan is like a pressure valve for Pinkie. While she’s with him she can let out her anger in short, controlled bursts… If she can’t do that...”

Elise’s eyes widened and she stared off into space. “If she can’t do that, she might be like this forever…”

Pinkie walked up wearing a black suit and tie over a crisp, white shirt. “Hey guys, what do you think about codenames? I mean… ‘Ms. Pink’ might be a little too obvious… I was thinking more ‘Ms. Red’, you know… on account of all the blood I’m going to spill and decorating with the smug-jerk-who-kinda-looks-like-Dan’s entrails... or you know… anyone who gets in our way.”

Chris flashed Elise a concerned look, then turned towards Pinkie. “You mean if uh… Dan Two has backup?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Yeah sure, or you know… security guards that won’t let us in places we need to check out… nosey cops… pedestrians that are using crosswalks when we’re trying to get somewhere…”

Elise’s eyes went wide and she leaned over to Chris and said, “Chris, we have to get Dan back. He at least didn’t run around talking about killing everyone!”

Pinkie sighed and rolled her eyes. “Elise, you’re like two feet away from me! You really need to work on your whispering skills.”

Elise’s cheeks flushed slightly. “Yeah… I know…”

“And besides, I’m not talking about killing everyone, everyone,” Pinkie said. “Just anyone who inconveniences us! Geez, it’s not like I’m an unhinged, deranged lunatic or anything…”

Chris and Elise exchanged nervous looks as well as nervous laughter. “Ah ha… ha… ha ha… ha… haaaa…”

A bearded man with short, silver hair in a black suit and white-and-black striped tie walked up to Pinkie. “I’m sorry, miss but we don’t have any matching suits in your friend’s size.”

Pinkie made a frustrated “Grrrrrrrrrrrrr…” as she reached into her handbag. She wrapped her hand around something and Elise and Chris noticed something shiny and metal catch the light right before they both quickly stepped up and placed their hands on Pinkie’s shoulders. The two positioned themselves in-between her and the store employee.

“It’s fine!” Chris insisted.

Elise nodded. “Jean looks better in a lab-coat, anyhow!”

Chris frowned. “Wait, what?”

“But… but… revengening!” Pinkie whined.

“Come on!” Elise said with a smile. “There was a scientist in Grindhouse!”

Pinkie sneered at Elise. “Yeah, in ‘Planet Terror’ which was the Rodriguez movie!”

Chris spoke up. “Yeah but… doesn’t the guy from ‘Death Proof’ show up at the hospital in ‘Planet Terror’?”

Pinkie furrowed her eyes at Chris. “Yeah, so?”

“So it’s like… you know… the same world and stuff… I mean Rodriguezand Tarantino collaborate on so much stuff anyhow… It’d be like we’re honoring both their films with our… er… revengening…”

Pinkie paused and thought about this. “Well… I do like Rodriguez’s work, too…” Pinkie suddenly smiled. “Especially the Spy Kids series and its spin off movies!”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “‘Spin off movies?’”

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie said nodding her head up and down. “‘Machete’ and ‘Machete Kills’!”

“… Of course…” Elise said as she shot Pinkie a slightly befuddled look.

“It’s alright Pinkie…” Jean said. “My lab coat has all my energy experiment equipment, anyhow…”

“FINE!” Pinkie cried. “I guess I won’t just stab people at the Suit Warehouse even if they can’t do their stupid jobs!”

“What?! Stab people?!” the silver-haired employee cried.

“Oh never mind her!” Elise said as she walked up to the employee gently placed her hands on his shoulders. She led him back to the fitting area. “She’s just having an off day… Boyfriend kidnapped, kidnapper tried to maim her with a hidden bomb… that sort of thing…”

“Uh… okay…” The employee replied. “Well, I’m sure the police will find them soon.”

“Police… riiiiight…” Elise said as she escorted the employee up to Ninja Dave and Becky.

Chris watched the two walk away then turned to Pinkie. “So… once we mostly all have matching suits, what then?”

“Once we’re all suited and code named up, we fan out!” Pinkie replied.

“Okay… but where?” Chris asked.

“Look! Dan was chained up in a big open place in front of a metal wall thingy, right?”

“I don’t know, you’re the only one who saw the vid—”

“Right! So, d’uuuuuuh, obviously Dan is in a big, metal warehouse somewhere! So, we’ll split up into groups and track down this warehouse, figure out which one it is, meet up there, and stab Dan’s stupid look-alike until he stops moving forever, rescue Dan, then Dan and I go home and get to enjoy some quality smochees!”

Chris frowned. “Do you really think it’ll be that—”

Pinkie continued, “And then comes the hours and hours of passionate, hot, sweaty monkey se—”

Chris’s face went pale. “Pinkie!”

“What!?”

“There’s a child present!”

Gibson, already dressed in a suit, looked up from a rack of dress shirts he was perusing. “Dude!” he protested. “I’m sixteen! I read and see worse things every day on the internet!”

Amber, similarly dressed in a suit, raised an eyebrow and stared at Gibson from a couple racks over. “You really need to figure out when to keep things to yourself.”

“Hey!” Pinkie cried. “Stop doing your weird tsundere relationship stuff! We’ve got to get moving soon!”

Becky chuckled.

“He’s sixteen!” Amber cried. “We weren’t doing… whatever it was you’re talking about!”

Gibson frowned. “We weren’t?”

“So, speaking of getting moving soon,” Chris said. “Should someone get a list of warehouses to check, or something?”

Pinkie smirked and held out her hand. “Sarge?”

“Yes, sir!” Sarge said as he immediately rushed to Pinkie’s side and handed her a small stack of papers.

Pinkie grabbed the papers and held them up so Chris can see. An aerial map of Los Angeles was printed on the page with many areas circled in red. “I already had Sarge look into potential places Dan is being held at.”

“Oh…” Chris said. “So we just need to split off into groups and start looking for Dan then?”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “No, you dummy! I already said we need to figure out code names first, d’uuuhhhh!”

Chris sighed. “Right, of course… What was I thinking?”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 136 Pinkie Vs. Patience

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 136 Pinkie Vs. Patience

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 136 Pinkie Vs. Patience

-ooooooo-

With three of the four occupants having changed into suits and wearing sunglasses, the blue sedan continued its journey through L.A. Elise and Jean still sat in the back, carrying on an animated conversation regarding animals and how to best alter their fundamental structures into something bizarre and terrifying. The mood in the back of the car contrasted sharply with that of the front where Chris and Pinkie sat.

Though the front of the car was quiet, neither felt anything close to peace. Chris’s eyes constantly darted from the road, to the irate woman sitting next to him, then to his wife in the backseat who seemed to be having quite an enjoyable time chatting up Jean. Pinkie’s silence was occasionally interrupted by the sound of her teeth grinding. She also constantly wrung her hands together as she scowled out into the road.

Desperate to get his mind off thoughts of his wife enjoying the company of another man more than him, Chris decided to attempt conversation with Pinkie.

“So… Why did we need to stop at Great Will?”

“Because there are still wanted posters of Dan and I up at all the local Salvation Armed Forces Stores,” Pinkie answered without bothering to look at Chris.

“No… I meant… Why did we need to make another stop at all? Almost everyone is already dressed up in suits.”

Pinkie suddenly turned and shot Chris an irritated glance, an expression he was no stranger to, but it was odd seeing it from the usually bubbly Pinkie Pie.

“I needed more supplies for our revengening! How was that not obvious?!”

Chris lifted an eyebrow slightly. “Well it just seemed so random…” Chris opened one of his hands that was on the wheel and began to list off items on his fingers. “An old boombox, a folding chair, a straight razor, an old gas-can, some rope… A baseball bat…”

“I’m trying to do this right, okay?!” Pinkie cried. “I mean… I could have had us go to the hardware store for some rubber tubing, a hacksaw, and a spool of razor wire… But then we’d have to get a German Shepard as well!”

Chris merely replied with a dumb sounding “Uh…” as he attempted to sort out Pinkie’s response. Though he had plenty of experience untangling meaning from Pinkie’s bizarre, sometimes seemingly random sentences, today had sent her in a much darker direction than usual.

“Besides,” Pinkie continued, “that would be the wrong director!”

Chris frowned. “Alright, it’s just that this might take a while and I’m a little concerned that we keep spending time on stuff that doesn’t really help us find Dan…”

Pinkie turned and shot Chris and angry look.

Jean spoke up from the back seat, “I’m telling you, my genetically enhanced bloodhounds would find Dan in a jiffy!”

Pinkie turned towards the backseat and gave Jean an irate glare. “THERE ARE NO GENETICALLY ENHANCED BLOODHOUNDS IN ANY OF THE MOVIES WE’RE BASING OUR REVENGENING ON!” Pinkie cried.

“Pinkie,” Elise said.

“MS. RED, or RED!” Pinkie snapped.

Elise sighed. “Red… Maybe we should try the dogs, it’s probably better than driving around from warehouse to warehouse hoping we find Dan.”

“Wait,” Chris said, “do these bloodhounds actually drink blood?”

“Good question!” Jean said.

Chris smiled. “Dan and I watch a lot of B-movies…”

“Yes!” Jean answered.

Chris frowned. “So… If they found Dan, would they drink his blood?”

“Another great question! Also yes.”

“Isn’t that… uh… counteractive to getting Dan back alive?”

“Right… right… Sorry, I keep forgetting that part.” Jean said. “Alive and unirradiated…”

“Wait…” Chris said glancing into the backseat at Elise. “Do you still have a tracking device on Dan?”

“What?!” Pinkie growled out as she turned in her seat and shot Elise a look that was chock full of venom.

Elise held her hands in front of her defensively. “I took it off before you even got here! I swear! I mean… if it was still on him, I would have figured out your…” Elise glanced over at Jean. “… uh… magic… horse… secret… thing… way sooner.”

Jean scrunched his eyebrows slightly. “Magic horse thing?”

Pinkie closed her eyes hard enough that wrinkles formed on her forehead as she gave out a heavy, throaty exhale almost as if she was letting out a long, irritated snore.

Desperate to correct her mistake, Elise attempted to perform some damage control. “Uh… Pinkie has a… thing… for magic… horses…”

“Oh… I see…” Jean said in a slightly confused tone. “I… guess… I guess I see why that’s the sort of thing you wouldn’t want getting out?”

Pinkie opened her eyes slightly into a scowl aimed directly at Elise. “Alright… first of all… code names. Second of all, if we’re just blabbing secrets maybe I should say some of yours!”

“Uh… Pin—Er… Ms. Red?” Chris said tentatively. “Let’s just concentrate on finding Dan… It’s not such a big—”

“Pin—Red!” Elise cried. “You wouldn’t dare! You know there’s specifics about my job you just can’t say out loud!”

Pinkie gave Elise a devious grin. “Oh, I wasn’t talking about those secrets. I was thinking more along the lines of a certain secret room…”

Elise’s eyes shot open wide. “You wouldn’t dare!”

Chris frowned heavily. “Elise, are you hiding some sort of dangerous item from me?!”

“Huh? Not any more dangerous than usual… Erm… I mean no…”

“OH MY GOSH!” Pinkie exclaimed. “CODE NAMES! HOW IS THIS HARD?!”

Chris sighed. “Mrs. Black, you know how I feel about you keeping secrets!”

“But I’m not!” Elise said. “I mean… Okay, I kind of am… But it’s harmless! Really!”

“Well if it’s harmless, why not just tell me what it is?”

“Uh… Everyone?” Jean said tentatively.

Elise frowned. “It’s physically harmless…”

“Oh, so it what… induces mental trauma?” Chris replied.

Pinkie’s face suddenly turned a couple shades paler. “Well… It can…”

“Pinkie!” Elise snapped as she turned and glared.

“CODE NAMES!” Pinkie cried.

“Fine! Ms. Red, then. Stop making Chris—”

Pinkie erupted into a frustrated growl as she glared daggers at Elise. “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“… Mr. Yellow think I have some sort of dangerous… brain disrupter… You know… Aside from my brain disrupter that I do actually have.” Elise turned towards Chris. “My brain disrupter that’s totally not a danger to us or the house!”

Chris shook his head. “I guess I don’t get why you can tell me about that but not some secret room…”

“It’s private, alright!” Elise cried. “I mean… How would you feel if I just told everyone you’ve written enough ‘Space Monkeys from Planet Space’ fan-fiction to rival the entirety of War and Peace?!”

Everyone in the car went silent as Elise and Chris’s eyes opened wide.

“…”

In a somewhat interesting-sounding tone, Jean spoke up, “…Has Mr. Yellow written enough ‘Space Monkeys from Planet Space’ fan-fiction to rival the entirety of War and Peace?”

“… Na… Noooooooo?” Elise said with a nervous grin.

“Uh… You hesitated and made a weird inflection on the word ‘no’, Mrs. Black,” Pinkie said.

“Or did I?” Elise said, her face seemingly stuck in a perpetual state of nervous smiling.

Chris sighed heavily and brought a hand up to his face. “Oh, Eli… Mrs. Black.”

“Sorry!” Elise said. “You and Ms. Red got me all flustered and it just sort of came out.”

Chris frowned heavily. “Well, fine if you’re going to just humiliate me in front of Pinkie and Jean—”

“I don’t know what War and Peace is,” Pinkie said.

Jean smiled. “I love ‘Space Monkeys from Planet Space’! It’s so nice to know you’re so dedic—”

“—The least you can do is let me know about this secret room of yours!”

“I just… Look, can we not talk about this now?!” Elise cried. “Dan is… uh …” She paused and stared at Pinkie.

Pinkie shook her head. “Dan doesn’t have a code name… He’s kidnapped.”

Elise nodded. “Well we should just concentrate on saving him.”

“Oh, I see,” Chris said. “So now that you need a convenient topic change you suddenly care that Dan is kidnapped.”

“What?” Pinkie cried angrily through clenched teeth.

“Whoa!” Elise said once again putting her hands in front of her. “I never said I didn’t care about rescuing Dan, alright? Believe it or not I really would like to have him back given the present circumstances!”

“You expect me to believe that after you made me waste time at the stupid loser hospital which is for losers?!”

“You had a big piece of plastic sticking out of your forehead!” Elise cried. “I thought you might have a brain injury! Your revengening wasn’t going to be very successful if you passed out or died in the middle of it!”

Pinkie blew a dismissive gust of air, lifting a few errant strands of straight pink hair that was in front of her face. “Pffft… Like I’d let something stupid like dying happen to me! I’ve got a boyfriend to save!”

“FINE!” Elise cried. “Well let’s just work on saving him and we can worry about totally-not-dangerous-at-all things later!”

“FINE!” Pinkie shrieked.

“FINE!” Elise yelled back.

The two women folded their arms across their chests and turned away from each other, staring out their own windows.

“… Are we there yet?” Pinkie huffed out.

Chris sighed. “Actually, we’ve been here and parked for a little while now… Everyone was just so busy arguing that no one noticed I stopped the car.”

“I noticed…” Jean said. “But uh… Everyone seemed rather occupied, so…”

“Oh…” Pinkie says. “I guess that explains why we’re not moving and there are warehouses outside…”

Chris glanced up at his rearview mirror and took note of the many large buildings behind the car. “You know we could easily spend all night just checking this one place… There’s got to be a better way to go about this than running around all over town checking every warehouse!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly. “Well so far no one has suggested anything that doesn’t involve maiming or killing Dan!”

“Sorry,” Jean said sheepishly. “For some reason the animals tend to get a bit… rambunctious after they’ve had their DNA scrambled.”

“Look!” Pinkie cried. “Can we at least hold up on the whining until we’ve started looking for Dan?”

“I wasn’t whining!” Chris said. “I’m just trying to be helpful and…” Chris trailed off as he stared up at the car’s rearview mirror again. He suddenly turned and squinted, staring out the back window. “Is that who I think it is?”

The other occupants in the car also turned and looked out the window.

“No way…” Elise uttered. “It can’t be that easy…”

Pinkie’s eyes shot open wide and a massive mad grin opened on her face before an eye twitched and she grit her teeth.

“Is that… Dan?” Jean asked.

Elise shook her head. “Not the one you’re thinking of.”

The group unbuckled their seatbelts and exited the car. They stepped out onto the concrete parking lot as the setting sun behind them casted their shadows far away from the car, the shadows terminating just a few feet in front of a smiling man in a blue shirt.

“YOU!” Pinkie cried as she leveled an index finger at Dan*.

“Yes me!” Dan* replied with a grin. “Glad you all made it! I was beginning to worry Pinkie didn’t have enough clues from the video to piece together some method of searching for Dan.”

“Oh dear…” Chris said.

“Oh dear is right!” Elise cried.

Pinkie began storming up to Dan* with an angry, mad look in her eyes as she clenched her jaws together hard.

Elise called out to Dan’s look-alike. “You should probably tell us which warehouse Dan is in before she gets up to you! She’s not in a good mood!”

Dan* smirked. “Sorry, but your Dan is in another warehouse. But if you—”

Pinkie walked right up to Dan* and snatched his shirt, lifting him up slightly.

Dan* continued to smile as he held up his hands. “Whoa! Easy there firecracker, you just need to—”

Without warning Pinkie threw her head back and quickly brought it forward, bringing the top of her forehead down on Dan*’s nose before letting go of him.

‘CRACK!’

“GAH!” Dan* cried before hitting the ground with a ‘Thud’. He pushed himself off the ground, raising to his knees. “Heh… Watch out for you! Kitty really does have cl—”

Dan* was cut off as Pinkie kicked him in the face with a ‘Thwak!’, his head jerked to the side on impact.

He turned and looked at her in surprise. “Hey wait! At least let me get—”

‘Thwak!’

“ACK!”

Pinkie followed up with another kick that brought him back to the ground. She followed this up with another kick, and then another.

‘Thwak!’

“OUCH!”

‘Thwak!’

“OW!”

“Pin—Ms. RED!” Elise called out.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie cried as she continued her flurry of kicks.

“If you’d just—”

‘Thwak!’

“OOF!”

“That’s not helping!” Elise cried.

“Don’t worry!” Pinkie said. “I’m just getting warmed up! I’ll grab my knife soon!”

“Wait… Knif—?”

‘Thwak!’

“KkkCHHHH!”

“RED!” Elise called out. “At least let us ask about Dan before you start pummeling him.”

Pinkie paused mid-kick and stared down at Dan*, shooting him a look of absolute contempt through her sunglasses.

Though slightly bruised, Dan* grinned up at her. “There… Was that so—”

Pinkie bright her foot down on his face.

‘THWAK!’

“AH!”

Pinkie suddenly turned and stormed back up to the group, bee-lining for Chris. “CAR KEYS!” she cried holding out her hand.

“Uh… Okay…” Chris said as he reached into his pocket, pulled out his keys, and handed them to Pinkie.

Pinkie took them in her hand and stormed off for the car.

Elise called out after her. “DON’T COME BACK WITH YOUR KNIFE TO STAB HIM!”

“FIIIIINE!” Pinkie cried back in an angry irritated tone.

Dan* picked himself up and dusted himself off. Despite the flurry of blows he had just received, he looked only slightly affected with his clothes and hair now having a somewhat disheveled look.

The other three began walking up to him.

Dan* chuckled to himself. “Well she’s certainly upset.”

Elise narrowed her eyes. “You kidnapped her boyfriend and tried to blow her up with a bomb! You’re lucky we want Dan back alive or I’d thrash you myself.”

Dan* held up his hands in front of him. “Now Elise, there’s no need to get violent...yet. And might I say you and Chris look fantastic in those suits.”

Chris merely folded his arms across his chest.

“Oh spare us your superficial charm,” Elise said.

Chris nodded. “You’ve gone way too far for that to work this time.”

“Superficial?” Dan* said as he put on a hurt expression. “Elise, Chris, you wound me!”

“Not yet,” Elise said, “but we can certainly arrange for that to happen.”

Dan* chuckled. “Walked right into that one…” He looked at Jean. “Ah! You must be Dan and Pinkie’s neighbor! I must admit, I didn’t expect you to get tangled up in this!” Dan* smirked. “Not that it really matters or anything.”

Jean just shook his head. “Look, I’m not sure if this is some evil-twin thing or what’s going on exactly, but Dan and Pinkie are my neighbors and friends. You really should consider giving Dan back before I have glowing rats chew your face off.”

Dan* sighed. “I just can’t make friends today.”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “Pinkie already told us this is some sort of elaborate trap to lure us all. We know you’re not here to make friends. Furthermore, I can tell this is just you stalling for something…”

“You can?” Chris said.

Elise turned to Chris and nodded. “I would have noticed if there was anyone here but him. He’s up to something, but he’s not ambushing us… Not here at least.” She turned back to Dan*. “And it’s not like he’s a threat to all four of us.”

Dan* tilted his head downward, narrowed his eyes slightly, and smiled wickedly. “You seem so sure of yourself… Maybe I should show you how dangerous I can be.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Look, I’ve killed people for far less than what I’ve put up with from you, especially considering today. Why don’t you just make this easier on everyone and hand over Dan?”

Dan* folded his arms over his chest and gave Elise a smug smile. “And if I say no?”

Elise took off her sunglasses and gave Dan* a serious look. “I’ll let Pinkie do whatever she wants with you, and believe me… neither the word ‘quick’ nor the word ‘painless’ will be involved in any way, shape, or form.”

Dan* merely chuckled. “Well that’s not really conducive to negotiations for her boyfriend’s safe return.”

“Not sure if you’ve noticed,” Chris said, “but Pinkie’s not really in a negotiating mood.”

Jean nodded in agreement. “In fact, she’s done almost nothing but plan what she intended to do to you if she found you… I’m actually surprised she stopped kicking you so readily.”

“No kidding,” Elise said.

Dan* smirked. “I suppose Dan was right when he said she’d want to slice me open.”

Chris nodded. “That’s about the size of it.”

“Well that’s fine,” Dan* said.

Dan*’s audience gave him a collection of perplexed glances.

Dan* chuckled darkly. “I’m afraid you’re all about to be rather occupied. I mean… You didn’t think I was crazy enough to attempt this little scheme alone, did you?”

Elise and Chris looked at each other and shrugged.

“You are pretty crazy,” Chris said.

Elise nodded. “I get being mad at Dan and all… But you’ve put an absurd amount of effort for him outsmarting you once and Pinkie throwing you through a win—”

“I smoke two joints in the morning. I smoke two joints…”

The group paused and looked at Chris as a peculiar song began playing from one of his pockets.

Chris shrugged. “Crun…er… Mr. Green’s ringtone,” he informed as he reached into his pocket.

Elise sighed. “And that would be what he was stalling for…”

Chris pressed the screen of his smartphone and placed it up to his ear. “Uh… Hey, Mr. Green…” He greeted. “Look… we may have hit a breakthrough with finding Dan… So you and Mrs. Gray can probably stop searching your warehouses.”

“Oh! That’s awesome… huff… puff…  brah!” Crunchy said, his speech interrupted him occasionally gasping for air. “Well… huff… puff…  When you’re finished rescuing Dan… huff… puff… do you think you could rescue… huff… puff… Mrs. Gray and I?”

“Rescue you two?” Chris asked. “Why do you two need rescuing?”

“Well uh… huff… puff…  Have you ever seen… huff… puff…  Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey?”

“…Uh… Sure?” Chris replied. “But what does that—”

“Well… huff… puff… We met up with what we thought… huff… puff… what wethought was you and Mrs. Black, but… huff… puff…  they turned out to be evil robot versions of you two…”

“Evil robots?!” Chris exclaimed.

Elise frowned and looked at Chris in concern.

“Yeah… huff… puff…” Crunchy answered. “They sort of captured us.”

Chris mirrored Elise’s expression and continued speaking on the phone. “These robots wouldn’t happen to look uh… Well-built, would they?”

“Well… huff… puff…”  It was hard to tell them apart from… huff… puff” from you two, so…”

“No, I mean… Do they look well-toned?”

“Uh… huff… puff… Don’t you mean sound well-toned, brah?”

Chris gave a heavy sigh. “Do they look like they lift?”

“Huh…? Huff… puff…Oh yeah!” Crunchy replied. “They’re hecka ripped.”

Chris nodded. “Alright… We’ll be… Wait… If they captured you, how come you’re calling?”

“They… huff… puff… wanted me to call you… huff… puff… brah!”

Chris looked up at Dan*, who grinned.

“I see…” Chris said. “We’ll hang in there… Will try to be there as soon as we can.”

“Right… huff… puff… later, brah!”

-ooo-

A smartphone that was being held up to his Chris’s face was pulled away. Someone or something that looked a bit like Chris raised the phone in front of him, the biggest difference being whoever or whatever this was appeared to have much more muscle mass than Chris and wore a grey tank-top and black shorts.

“That’ll do, meat battery,” the Chris lookalike said as he pushed the screen of the phone.

From atop an exercise bike, Crunchy watched as the muscled version of Chris walked out of the room, following a line of thick power cables that led from Crunchy’s bike and several other exercise machines and into a darkened room. Crunchy simply continued to pedal as sweat began to soak the white shirt and black tie he was wearing. Even the area under his arms had turned a darker shade of black as sweat began to soak his suit.

He turned to D.H., who was similarly dressed and working a rowing machine, her clothing also becoming increasingly soaked with sweat.

“Well, I guess we just wait for them… huff… puff… ” Crunchy said. “I hope they … huff… puff… get here soon… I already went through… huff… puff… through this once…” Crunchy bemoaned as he stared at the exercise bike he was peddling. “And I was totally… huff… puff… dressed more appropriately then…”

“It’s… huff… okay… puff…” D.H. replied. “I managed to text my husband that I was going to be late because I was being kidnapped by robots…”

“Really? You only had… huff… puff…  you phone for like… huff… puff… a few seconds before they caught us.”

“Yeah… huff… I got tired of having to type… puff…type that one every time this happened… huff… puff… so I preloaded the message.”

“This… … huff… puff…happens a lot?”

D.H. shrugged and stopped rowing. “Eh… Like every few months or so… Anyway, he’ll probably come to rescue us… I mean… it’s macaroni and cheese night and our daughter gets fussy if I’m too busy being kidnapped to make it for everyone.”

Suddenly the Chris-bot rushed back into the room holding an item that looked little more than a metal rod on a handle that had a cord attached to the end. “Power levels have dropped meat battery, why have you ceased rowing?”

“I’m rowing! I’m rowing! Geesh…” D.H. answered as she continued rowing. She began to mutter under her breath, “… Just wait until I’m free and overload your galvanic cells through severe overcharge … You won't know what went wrong...”

The Chris-bot narrowed its eyes slightly. “Did you say something, meat bag?”

“Sorry!” D.H. replied sweetly. “Just… talking to myself Mr. Robot… Hehehe… Beep boop-boop, beep beep…”

Chris-bot gave D.H. a suspicious look and walked back out of the room.

D.H.’s eyelids drifted downward over her crooked eyes. “… Some electrolysis… some hydrogen build up… a little spark… then blamo! I’ll explode you from the inside out…”

-ooo-

Chris pulled his smartphone away from his ear and terminated the call.

Dan* grinned knowingly. “Some of your friends run into a little trouble?”

“So… What?” Elise asked. “You expect us to just rush off and leave you here?”

Dan* shook his head. “Of course not!” He looked at Jean. “Though it’ll be a bit more crowded than I expected, I’ll happily travel with you until this whole mess is resolved…”

“Ah,” Elise said, “you mean until we walk into your trap.”

Dan* chuckled and shook his head. “Oh Mrs. Black… Of course!” Dan* glanced up at the sky as the daylight continued to slowly fade into a hazy purple.  “Now then… We really should be going its going get late and…”  Dan* trailed off and his eyes widened as he stared at something past Chris, Elise, and Jean.

The sound of shoes rapidly coming into contact with concrete was heard as the other three turned.  With a mixture of surprised and worried expressions, they all quickly took a few steps to clear a path between Dan* and the pink haired woman with a baseball bat that was approaching.

Dan* put his hands out in front of him. “Now wait just a—”

Pinkie swung the bat as she reached her target, the wooden cudgel hitting the side of Dan*’s head with a resounding ‘CRACK!’

Dan* hit the ground like a dropped sack of potatoes.

“PINKIE!” Chris and Elise exclaimed.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie snapped back.

Elise raised her thumb and forefinger to the bridge of her nose.

Chris sighed and shook his head. “He was going to come with us while we rescue Cru— Mr. Green and Mrs. Gray!”

Jean walked up to Dan* and placed a couple fingers against his neck. “Well… He probably can still do that when he regains consciousness… If he regains consciousness…”

“What the hay happened to them?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “We’re already trying to rescue Dan!”

“They got kidnapped by android versions of Mrs. Black and I,” Chris said. “They’re probably being forced to exercise on devices to power the robots as we speak! We have to go save them!”

Pinkie looked down at Dan* who laid motionless at her feet, then back up at the three people staring at her. “Yeah… No, we’re not doing that.”

“What?!” Chris exclaimed. “But what about Mr. Green and Mrs. Gray?!”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” Pinkie said. “Mrs. Gray will probably just klutz her way out of the situation and save them both.”

Chris paused and thought about this. “Huh… You know she just might…”

“Well, what do we do with him then?” Elise asked as she motioned towards Dan*.

Pinkie looked down at Dan* and regarded him with a dark expression. “Mrs. Black is going to get us into one of these warehouses and I’ll need the chair, rope, boom-box, gas can, and straight razor.”

Jean raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you’re going to interrogate him?”

Pinkie looked up at Jean and stared blankly at him for a beat. “… Sure, let’s go with that…”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 137 D.H. Vs. Androids

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 137 D.H. Vs. Androids

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 137 D.H. Vs. Androids

-oooooo-

A man with spiky brown hair and piercing blue eyes held a smartphone up to his face and frowned at it. He stood in a modest kitchen next to a stove with a pan on top of it and a blue box that read ‘Macaroni and Cheese’ on the counter next to it.

“Oh dear…” he uttered simply as he placed the phone back into his brown coat, which was over a blue buttoned-up shirt. A red tie hung from his neck.

A little girl with a messy mop of blond hair sighed and rolled her eyes as if she knew what was coming next. “What is it this time…” she asked as she folded her arms across her lilac-colored hoodie.

“Robots,” the man in the brown coat said simply.

“Again?!”

“I’m afraid so, Dinky.” He just shook his head and shrugged. “These things happen, you know…”

“But… But it’s macaroni and cheese night!” Dinky whined.

“I know what night it is!” The man in the brown coat sighed. “Look, why don’t I just make dinner? I’m sure your mum’s co-workers will rescue her in a jiffy…”

“But you don’t make it right!” the little girl cried.

The man in the coat looked down at Dinky and frowned. “It’s just following instructions on a bloody box! It’s not exceedingly difficult!”

Dinky puffed out her lower lip. “No!” she insisted. “Only mommy knows how to make macaroni and cheese the right way!”

The man slumped his shoulders and exhaled in a slightly defeated sounding tone. “Fine... Well… I can certainly cook the bangers better than your mum…” he said trailing off slightly and muttering, “…and without setting the bloody kitchen on fire…” He smiled and looked down. “How about I make some nice, crunchy toast and we have the bangers topped with a nice, hot can of baked beans?”

Dinky scowled up at the man in the brown coat. “Daddy, you can’t just put baked beans on top of everything and call it dinner!”

Dinky’s father gave his daughter a heavy frown. “You can do that for breakfast too, you know.”

“Ew, dad! Gross!”

“Look! There has to be something I can make for you!”

“But I don’t want something! I want macaroni and cheese!”

Dinky’s father gave his daughter a rather stern look, a look that he quickly found mirrored as his daughter puffed out her lip and glared back at him. He quickly weighed his options, pondering if he would have an easier time saving his wife from a group of robots or attempting to get his daughter to eat something besides macaroni and cheese cooked by his wife.

“Well I can’t just let you go hungry,” Dinky’s father said with a smile. “I guess we better go rescue your mum.”

“Yay!”

“And by that I mean, I’ll do the rescuing while you stay in the van.”

“Awww…”

“Well, anyways…” Dinky’s father reached into coat pocket and pulled out a set of car keys. He held them high above his head as he shouted, “Allons-y!”

Dinky shook her head as she trudged out of the kitchen. “Dad, you are such a dork!”

-ooooo-

Gasping for breath as she forced herself into a jog around the warehouse, Sunset Shimmer made one last desperate plea for Trixie to stop running. “Stop… huff… puff… running! Just let me… huff… let me put you in a … puff… choke hold!”

A few strides in front of her, Trixie likewise jogged on out of breath. “Trixie will … huff… puff… do no such thing!”

“Uhhhg… Fine then!” Sunset cried before collapsing against a crate. “Huff… puff… Can you at least… huff… strangle yourself?”

Trixie collapsed against a wall. “Trixie will… huff… consider it… puff… “

“Wawww…” Dan uttered, talking past another dental tool in his mouth. “Iss the showw owver?”

Dr. Pullum sighed and shook his head, pulling out his dental tools.

“What’s your problem?” Dan asked as he did his best to work his numb lips up and down.

“You’re not in pain at all, are you?” Dr. Pullum asked.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You have me pumped full of Novocain and hopped up on nitrous oxide and who knows what else! With your white helmet, and yellow tooth… claw… thing, for a while there I thought a yellow Toad from Mario was working on my teeth.”

Dr. Pullum folded his arms across his chest and grumbled to himself.

Dan smiled. “Hey, maybe you should let the drugs wear off a bit. I’m sure I’d start feeling something then!”

Dr. Pullum sighed as he bent down to grab a small clear mask that he placed over Dan’s nose and face. He turned a knob on a nearby gas canister.

Dan’s eyes suddenly widened, quickly followed by his eyelids drifting downwards. He chuckled to himself. “It’s like all the colors are echoing!”

Dr. Pullum shook his head. “This is the worst revenge ever…”

A few dozen yards away from Sunset and Trixie, Helen and Fairy Girl sat in a couple wooden chairs around the area the table had been in before Dan flung it across the warehouse.

“Come on!” Helen cried at Sunset. “She stopped running! You can get her!”

“Can’t feel… wheeze… Can’t feel my legs…” Sunset cried as she wrapped her arms around her torso and fell over. “Running in knee-high boots was a… cough… cough… bad idea!”

Fairy Girl smirked. “Pay up,” she said as she placed a hand in front of Helen.

Helen sighed and leaned over, grabbing a large, peach-colored handbag that was set next to her chair. She quickly fished out a large red wallet, unzipped it, and then pulled a twenty dollar bill out of it. She handed the bill to Fairy Girl.

Fairy Girl grabbed the bill and with a quick twist of her hand, the bill vanished. She stood up and walked over to Trixie. “Don’t ye have another warehouse ye should be heading off towards?”

Trixie groaned and forced herself back onto her feet. “But now I’m all sweaty and sticky!”

Fairy Girl rolled her eyes. “Yee’re not putting on a show for anyone, yee’re just springin’ a trap with a buncha strange guys who really like balloons. Yee’ll be fine.”

Trixie sighed. “Why do I get stuck with a side attraction? The Grrrrrrrrreat and PowerfulTrixieshould be center stage!”

Sunset sat up to a sitting position and chuckled. “Sorry Trix, but a half-rate job for a half-rate magician.”

Trixie suddenly narrowed her eyes at Sunset and took a couple steps closer to her. She then bent her knees and scowled at Sunset.

“The hell is up with you?” Sunset said. “I still haven’t gotten over the whole coffee thing, you might want to keep your dis—”

Trixie suddenly snapped the fingers on her right hand as she rotated it upright, her wand appearing seemingly out of nowhere as she began rhythmically waving it in front of Sunset while mumbling something.

Sunset’s eyes went wide for a second before her eyelids drifted downward leaving her eyes in a half-opened state. She followed Trixie’s wand with her pupils back and forth as Trixie continued to murmur quietly.

Fairy Girl and Helen simply quietly watched with interest.

Soon, Trixie stopped waving her wand, stopped murmuring, and stood up with a self-satisfied smile on her face. “Well, The Grrrrrrrrreat and PowerfulTrixie must be on her way!” She turned and began walking towards one of the warehouse doors. She raised a hand up to her head level and lazily waved it back and forth as she walked away. “Have fun girls!”

Sunset shook her head as she watched Trixie stroll out of the warehouse. “What the pup was that all about?”

Fairy Girl cocked an eyebrow and looked down at Sunset. “Did you just say ‘pup’?”

Sunset contorted her face in confusion. “Yeah, so? Don’t tell me they don’t have swearing in dark and gritty Tinkerbelle land?”

“Aye, we do…”

“Well then stop looking at me like I just grew a second head!” Sunset frowned and quickly raised her hands up to her head and began patting the sides of it. “That little finch didn’t make me grow a second head, did she?”

Fairy Girl and Helen exchanged glances and chuckled.

“No, you look fine,” Helen assured as she raised a hand to conceal a snicker.

Dr. Pullum glanced over at the girls then shook his head and sighed before turning back to look at Dan. “So... are you at least feeling a little discomfort?”

Dan merely looked out into space before chuckling to himself. “Hehehe… I invented the hippo!”

-ooooo-

D.H. grunted as she forced her arms and legs to work the rowing machine. Sweat poured from her face and soaked her suit as she scanned the dingy ‘exercise’ room.

“I’m… huff… puff… wilting like a flower in August!” Crunchy cried from his exercise bike.

“Hang in there… huff… Crunchy… puff…” D.H. cried. “I’m sure someone will be here to rescue us soon…”

“I don’t think… huff… puff… I can last until… huff… puff… soon….” Crunchy made one more large exhale and slumped forward over the bars of his exercise bike.

“Crunchy!” D.H. cried. She began to increase the speed of her rowing. She glanced behind her to a meter that read ‘POWER’ above it in bright green lettering, red lights signifying the level of the meter in between ‘FULL’ at the top and ‘PAIN’ at the bottom. Despite D.H.’s frantic rowing, the lights began to dim leaving only the bottom ones right above ‘PAIN’ lit.

D.H. turned as she heard the gentle creaking of the metal door where the power cords led to. The Chris-bot walked into the room holding the metal rod on a handle. He focused his attention on Crunchy and walked up to him.

“Continue cycling,” it ordered.

“Can I… huff… puff… At least take off a layer or two… huff… puff… robo brah?” Crunchy asked.

“No,” the Chris-bot said coldly before it pressed the metal rod into his side.

Crunchy let out a pained “Arrrggggg!” as the rod made contact with him. His limbs jerked and the shackle on his right arm clinked and clanked as his arm shook about.

D.H. let out a distressed cry as she watched her friend convulse from the electricity that was shot through his body. The shackle that was around her left ankle rattled as she shifted.

The Chris-bot shifted his attention to her. “Row,” it ordered.

D.H. looked up at the android with a frightful look.

“Well, that’s hardly polite now, is it?”

The Chris-bot, D.H., and Crunchy all turned towards the entrance to the room. The man with the brown jacket stood in the doorway and smiled.

“Darling!” D.H. cried.

“Halt!” Chris-bot commanded as it held up a palm.

The man with the brown jacket raised his arms. He opened one hand wide, while the other held a long, chrome item that resembled a fat pen.

“You there…” The doctor called out, “the fellow in the fashionable pink glasses.”

“Yeah, brosef?” Crunchy said.

“Catch.” With that, the man in the brown coat tossed the chrome item over the android’s head.

Crunchy raised his hands and caught the device as it arced towards his chest. He opened his hands and looked at the device in confusion.

“Point it at your shackle and press the button on the side!” D.H. cried.

Crunchy adjusted the device in his hand and pointed it at his shackle. He pressed a button on the side with his thumb and the end of the device began to glow bright blue, and with a high-pitched buzz, Crunchy’s shackles suddenly unlocked and opened.

“Now free me!” D.H. cried. “Free me!”

The android turned back as he saw Crunchy free himself. “Stop this at once!” it commanded as he pointed an index finger at Crunchy.

The man in the brown jacked chuckled. “You really should be keeping better track of everyone here.”

Chris-bot turned just in time to get a face full of metal pipe as the man in the brown coat swung with all his might. With a loud metal ‘Clang!’ the metal pipe caught the android in the face, causing part of said face to tear away revealing a bright red eye and metal skeleton underneath that sparked.

The android twitched slightly, then extended its arms out towards the man in the brown coat.

The man swung his metal pipe a few more times at the android’s face.

‘Clang!’

‘Clang!’

With a few more hits, the android froze and toppled forward, its face a twisted mess of fake skin and bent metal. It collapsed to the ground, twitched a few times, then ceased moving.

“Where’d you get the metal pipe?” D.H. asked as Crunchy removed her shackle.

The man in the brown coat shrugged. “You know, it was just lying arou—oof!” He was cut off as D.H. half ran, half tripped into him, throwing her arms around him.

“Thanks for saving us!” D.H. cried as she nuzzled her head against the man in the brown coat’s chest.

He chuckled. “Well, I couldn’t let Dinky starve, now could I?”

D.H. sighed. “She’s so fussy…”

“That’s a new look,” the man in the brown coat commented as he looked over D.H.’s suit.

“You like?” D.H. asked as she lifted her sunglasses to get a better look at the man in front of her.

“Oh, yes!”

“Pinkie got them for us,” D.H. explained. “Someone kidnapped her boyfriend so she’s just going all out to get revenge.”

“Hmmm…” the man in the brown coat looked down at the smashed-up android at his feet. “I think I understand…”

He looked up towards Crunchy and extended a hand. “Crunchy, right? Dearest has told me much about you.”

Crunchy walked up and shook the man in the coat’s hand. “Hi… uh… You’re D.H.’s husband, right?”

D.H.’s husband nodded. “I am called ‘The Doctor’,” he informed.

“Whoa… So… ‘The Doctor’ is your name?”

The Doctor nodded and grinned. “That’s about the size of it.”

“So like… On your birth certificate it says ‘The Doctor’?”

The Doctor gave a slight nervous chuckle. “Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that, I’m afraid…”

D.H. smirked as she continued to hold on to her husband. “Oh, like you’re one to talk, Crunchy.”

Crunchy gave D.H. a friendly smile. “Alright, statement retracted…”

D.H. looked up at The Doctor. “Dinky in the van?”

The Doctor chuckled and nodded. “Brilliant deduction,” he frowned. “We’ll be lucky if she doesn’t pull out the CD player and convert it into some sort of disc thrower…”

D.H. chuckled and stepped up onto her tip-toes as she wrapped her arms around The Doctor’s neck. “A little bit more time won’t hurt…”

The Doctor closed his eyes as D.H. pressed her lips against his and kissed him passionately.

Crunchy averted his eyes from the happy couple and stared out the entrance to the room. “Uh… dudes?” he said. “I think evil-robot Elise is after us, and she’s got a lot of ripped-looking friends.”

The Doctor and D.H. turned and looked out the door as the Elise android marched forward with about a dozen tall muscular-looking men behind her of different skin tones.

The Doctor ran up to the door and quickly slammed it shut. “The sonic screwdriver, quick!” he called out.

“Huh?” Crunchy asked.

“The thing he gave you!” D.H. cried.

“Oh… right…” Crunchy handed the chrome ‘sonic screwdriver’ to the Doctor, who quickly fiddled with it then pointed it at the space between the metal door and its frame. He pressed a button on the device and a bright blue light shined, once again accompanied by high-pitched whine. The metal of the door and the frame began to glow red and wrap as The Doctor ran his sonic screwdriver over the gap. In almost no time, the metal began to fuse as the knob turned and the door shook.

“That should hold them,” The Doctor said.

‘BANG!’

The door budged outward, bulging slightly under what was no doubt the hit from an android.

“… For about a minute…” The Doctor added with a frown.

“That room, quick!” D.H. cried as she raised her index finger.

“That’s a wall, dearest,” The Doctor informed as he reached his hand out for D.H.’s arm and gently moved it so it was pointing at the room the power cords lead into.

D.H. sighed. “Lousy lazy eye…”

Crunchy ran past the couple into the room. The Doctor and D.H. quickly followed, the Doctor grabbing his now-bent metal pipe off the floor along the way. Crunchy slammed the door behind them and the room went dim, lit only by a couple light sources towards the back of the room.

The Doctor handed the metal pipe to D.H. and pulled his sonic screwdriver out. He pointed the device at the side of the door, the end of the device glowed bright blue again as door and frame became one.

The sounds of metal hitting metal and even metal tearing could be heard from outside the door.

The Doctor leaned up and shook his head, placing his device back in his coat. “Well if that door won’t hold them for long, this one certainly won’t either.” He quickly looked about the room, noticing shelves full of large rectangular and box-shaped devices with cords of various sizes plugged into them, tubes going from one device to another, and analog readouts on the front. He kneeled down and unplugged several cords from one of the larger, box-shaped devices. With a grunt, he pulled it from the shelf and placed it in front of the door.

“Here!” The Doctor said as he looked up at Crunchy. “Help me barricade the door!”

Crunchy nodded, and soon he and the Doctor began unplugging wires, decoupling tubes, and stacking the heavy items on top of each other against the door ashe muffled banging continued outside.

“We just unplugged a bunch of their gizmos,” Crunchy said. “Shouldn’t they be stopping?”

D.H. quickly scanned the shelves of technical, if agedapparatuses. She shook her head. “Looks like this stuff isn’t in use at the moment, must be their old equipment.” She kept looking over  the shelves until she noticed a lone computer monitor with a keyboard and mouse in front of it at the end of the room. D.H. smiled. “Here we go…” she said as she walked up to the monitor, set down the pipe, and placed her hands on the keyboard.

Crunchy and the Doctor continued stacking equipment, moving onto a new stack as their first one reached to the top of the door.

“Having any luck, dearest?” The Doctor asked as he hefted another antiquated device into place.

The computer buzzed angrily at D.H. as she typed away on the keyboard. “Grrrrr… I just keep trying to open a command prompt, but I’m missing the keys! Why can’t my body ever do what I want it to do?!”

The Doctor looked over at D.H. and pursed his lips slightly, then at Crunchy. “I’m afraid you’ll have to continue reinforcing the door alone for a bit. She needs my help.”

Crunchy saluted. “I won’t let you down, Mr. Doctor.”

The Doctor chuckled. “I’m sure you won’t.”

D.H. held her tense hands over the keyboard. They shook as she slowly attempted lowering digits onto keys and attempted to hold them in place. She suddenly felt something warm press up against her as hands slid over and down her arms. She relaxed as the Doctor’s fingers were interlaced on top of her own and shivered slightly as he whispered “What keys do you need to press?” softly into her ear.

D.H. smiled. “Control-Alt-F1”

The Doctor maneuvered both his and D.H.’s hands over the keyboard and pressed the keys as requested. The screen suddenly went dark and a bright green cursor blinked in the upper right hand corner.

“Now what?” The Doctor said, his voice very audible.

“P, W, D, enter…”

Soon D.H. was rattling off letters and symbols. The Doctor’s and her fingers became a blur over the keyboard.

Crunchy watched with quiet entrance as he continued heaping electronics against the door.

‘BANG!’

The three jumped slightly and looked at the door with the equipment piled in front of it.

‘BANG!’

The equipment vibrated slightly and some of the higher placed items began to lean forward.

‘BANG!’

“Dearest?” the Doctor said. “I think we’re running short on time.”

‘BANG!’

“I know! I know!” D.H. cried. She continued rattling off letters and symbols.

The pounding stopped briefly as there was the sound of hissing, like gas escaping from a confined area and then a muffled ‘Boom!’

“Got one!” D.H. said triumphantly.

“What did you do?” Crunchy asked.

The Doctor turned and smiled. “She sent a command via the central server here to increase the internal operating temperature of one of the individual android units so the water in its galvanic cells would turn into hydrogen and— Mphph Mmmm Mpgh!”

The Doctor quickly found himself cut off as a hand was placed in front of his mouth.

D.H. peeked past her husband and smiled. “I overheated one until its chest exploded,” she explained as she removed her hand from The Doctors mouth.

The Doctor looked down at his wife and frowned slightly. “I was about to say th— Mphph! Mphph? Mmmmm…”

The Doctor found himself cut off again, this time by the much more pleasant alternative of D.H. pressing her lips against his.

D.H. slowly lowered her heels back to the floor as she held onto the Doctor’s coat tightly. She gave the Doctor a wry grin. “No you weren’t.”

The Doctor smiled back and opened his mouth, but was cut off once again.

‘BANG!’

‘BANG!’

The group looked back at the door as the banging resumed, this time in a much harder and quicker pace than before.

‘BANG!’

The Doctor and D.H. turned back to the computer, and D.H. once again began rattling off keyboard keys as the Doctor’s and her hands flew over the keyboard.

‘BANG!’

Soon there was another ‘hiss’ quickly followed by another muffled ‘Boom!’

‘BANG!’

But the banging continued.

‘THUD!’

Crunchy stepped back as one of the pieces of equipment fell from the top of its stack and hit the floor. He quickly pressed his body against the stack in a desperate attempt to keep it balanced upright.

“Uh, dudes?” Crunchy said. “I think they’re getting through.”

“Dearest?”

‘BANG!’

“I don’t think you’re going to explode—”

‘BANG!’

“—all those androids before they get in.”

‘BANG!’

D.H. sighed.

‘BANG!’

“Fine!” She huffed out. “We’ll send a command to shut down the central control server.” D.H. began rattling off more letters, numbers, symbols, and keys.

‘BANG!’

‘THUD!’

Another piece of equipment toppled to the ground, narrowly missing Crunchy’s feet.

‘BANG!’

The Doctor glanced behind him. “Crunchy, why don’t you step over here before one of those stacks falls over on top of you.”

“Uh… Sure, brah…” Crunchy said as he cautiously backed away from the stack of equipment he was holding up and walked over to the Doctor and D.H.

‘BANG!’

‘BANG!’

‘THUD!’

‘BANG!’

A stack of the equipment fell over with a ‘CRASH!’ as metal bent and plastic broke. A beam of light shot into the dim room as the bent metal door was pushed open and more equipment toppled to the pile on the ground.

“Uh… Dudes?” Crunchy said in a worried tone as the androids began to force the door open and push the piles of heaped electronics aside.

“We’re working on it!” D.H. cried.

With one more loud ‘CRASH!’, the door was flung open and androids began filing in, the broken equipment in the ground putting up little resistance as they marched forward.

D.H. continued rattling off commands to the clicks of the keyboard.

Crunchy raised his arms in front of his face and backed away slightly as a dark-skinned, muscular android reached out for him.

There was a loud ‘hum’ followed by silence.

Crunchy parted his arms and jumped slightly as he noticed an outstretched hand inches away from grabbing him.

“Don’t worry!” D.H. said. “We shut down the main control server!”

Crunchy tapped a finger against the side of an android’s head as it simply stared off into a space Crunchy no longer occupied. It remained motionless even as Crunchy waved a hand in front of his eyes. “So, that’s it?” he asked.

“That’s it!” D.H. announced cheerfully.

Crunchy scrunched his brow. “Not that I want to harsh this awesome mel we got going, but couldn’t you just have told him what keys you wanted to press?”

D.H. grinned. “Yes, but it’s more fun the other way…” She looked up at the Doctor lovingly. “And it’s nice to feel my body is cooperating for a change.”

The Doctor leaned down and kissed D.H. on the forehead. “Happy to be of help, dearest.”

Crunchy tilted his head slightly, looking past the couple to the large screen on the machine behind them. “What does ‘Re-routing control to backup server’ mean?”

D.H. frowned and turned back towards the machine. “I means I still have work to do.”

The androids that had begun to file through the mangled door started to twitch as their eyes began to shift and locate their targets once more.

“Dearest? I think we better get going…”

“No wait! I can fix this!” D.H. said. “Just… help me shut down the backup—”

The Doctor grabbed D.H.’s arm. “Don’t be foolish! We need to go, now.”

“But—!” D.H. protested as the Doctor yanked her away from the computer and dragged her past the androids as Crunchy followed. The androids turned their heads and reached out for the three as they passed. Slowly, they began to trudge after them.

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan* : Chapter 138 Pinkie Vs. “Interrogation”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan* : Chapter 138 Pinkie Vs. “Interrogation”

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 138 Pinkie Vs. “Interrogation”

-oooooo-

“Sniff… Ahh!”

Dan*’s eyes shot open as a strong, stinging stench entered his nostrils. He quickly noticed Elise standing right in front of him, holding what seemed to be a small cracked smelling salt pack. He quickly took stock of his situation, noting his arms and legs were bound to a chair with duct tape. Looking past Elise as best he could, he noted he was in a mostly empty warehouse. Fluorescent lights hummed high above him as the light from the few visible windows had grown dim.

Despite his seemingly precarious situation, Dan* grinned. “You know this isn’t conducive to getting Dan back.”

Elise shrugged. “It didn’t seem like you dragging us into a trap helped much in that department either.”

Dan* chuckled. “Touché…” He shook his head.“Though I can’t say how well your other friends will do if you don’t cooperate. I certainly didn’t arrange for them to run into group of androids with the expectation that they could fend for themselves.”

“They’re probably more capable than you think,” Elise replied.

Dan* smirked. “What makes you think I haven’t prepared for their assortment of unusual skills?”

“Because you’re currently duct-taped to a chair,” Elise answered.

Dan* frowned. “Again… touché…” His smile slowly crept back onto the face, like something slinking into view from a dark, shadowy corner. “Still, you can hold me here and interrogate me all you want.” He shook his head. “It won’t help you get Dan back.”

“We’ll see…” Elise said. “I know you’re crazy-obsessed with Dan, but I’m pretty sure you value your life over ending his.”

Dan*’s grin turned slightly sheepish. “‘Obsessed’ is maybe not the right word…”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “Then what is the right word? Fanatical? Consumed?”

“Bedeviled is a good one,” Jean suggested from behind Elise with a raised index finger.

Elise nodded. “Bedeviled is a good one.”

“Uh… How about absorbed?” Chris suggested.

“Are you all done playing thesaurus?!” Pinkie cried. Her eyes twitched and she gritted her teeth. “My stabbing arm is getting twitchy!”

Elise turned, allowing Dan* to see past her. Pinkie was sitting on a small, beat up wooden table with a rather impatient look on her face. On the table sat a number of random items: a boom box, a wooden baseball bat, a rope, a roll of duct tape, a cassette, a cigarette box, a silver zippo lighter, and some hand-length black item that Dan* couldn’t quite identify. A metal red gas can sat next to the table.

Elise held up a hand, “Just a moment, Pinkie. Just give me a little more time and he’s all yours.”

“Ooh, scary,” Dan* said with a grin. He shook his head. “Anyhow, this isn’t about any grudge with Dan.”

Elise’s lowered her eyebrow and shot Dan a look that all but screamed ‘I don’t believe you!’ The expression was mirrored on Pinkie, Chris, and Jean’s faces as they leaned past Elise to look at Dan*.

Dan* sighed. “Alright, so it’s a little about a grudge with Dan, but it’s mostly about righting a wrong in the world.”

“And let me guess, Dan is that wrong?” Elise asked.

“Oh come now,” Dan* said. “You of all people should know Dan is a blight on mankind.”

“Maybe,” Elise said, “but he’s a blight that’s best friends with my husband and also boyfriend to my best friend. Besides, he’s kind of a productive member of society…” Elise trailed off and glanced to towards the ceiling briefly. “…in a way…” She looked back down at Dan*. “Anyhow, this is a pretty hard line to sell since it seems you’re more than willing to take a lot of other people out along with Dan. You’d be hard-pressed to come up with a compelling reason why all of them, and I’m guessing us, deserve to be taken out.”

Dan* suddenly narrowed his eyes and glared up at Elise. “You want a reason? Fine. Dan is an insane little troll-of-a-man who seemingly gets away with everything he sets his mind to. Oh… And now he apparently has the power to conjure up super strength!  So while this lunatic runs wild on society, you all just sit back and watch it happen! If you’re not too busy helping him that is! Sooner or later he’s going to do some real damage…” Dan* paused scrunched his brow slightly as he stared up into his eyelids, “… more real damage!”

“Wait…” Chris said, stepping forward slightly. “So… what…? You see Dan as a menace so that justifies reactivating androids that are heck-bent on taking over the planet?”

“Androids that Dan defeated,” Elise added.

Dan* smirked. “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about them. I’m not about to team up with something I can’t control.”

Elise shook her head. “You’re crazy… and delusional, and I see I’m not going to get anything useful out of you talking like this.”

Dan* smiled up at Elise. “Oh Elise, don’t get so bent out of shape! You could always try asking nicely…”

Elise shook her head. “Sorry, but if I thought it was that easy, I’d have done that already. I think I’d rather leave you alone with Pinkie and just see what happens.” Elise turned and started walking towards a door that sat under a lit, red ‘EXIT’ sign.

“Finally!” Pinkie said.

“Come on, guys,” Elise said as she motioned for Chris and Jean to follow.

Chris looked at Elise, then shot a concerned look at Pinkie. He turned to look at Jean, who merely shrugged and began to follow Elise. Chris sighed and shook his head as he stepped in line behind Jean.

Pinkie watched the group leave, waiting for each one to file out the door and for it to close behind them. “Alone at last…” she said as she slid off the table and stood up. She looked at Dan* with a face devoid of expression and grabbed the bat.  She walked towards him and let the bat hit the floor with a hard ‘Crack!’. Pinkie simply let the bat drag behind her as she continued onward. The wooden bat made a scratching sound as it scraped against the concrete.

Dan* smiled at Pinkie as he approached. “You know, I really like the new hairstyle. I’m surprised you found the time to straighten your hair with everything else—”

“You’re looking pretty good for someone I hit a bunch of times…” Pinkie interrupted. “Once with a baseball bat.”

Dan* grinned at Pinkie. “You’ll find that I heal fast these da—”

‘CRACK!’

Dan*’s world momentarily went dark and he was cut off and the only thing he felt was a hard blow to the face and the throbbing pain that accompanied it.

‘THUD!’

Dan* felt another hard blow as his head bounced off the concrete. He forced his eyes open, but a world of pink, black, and grey blurs was all he could make out. A brown blur quickly joined and soon everything when black once more.

‘WHACK!’

Dan* had just enough time to utter a confused, and pained “Wha…?” before Pinkie brought the bat down on his face one more time.

‘CRUNCH!’

Pinkie bent down and grabbed the back of Dan*’s chair. She leaned up and placed it back upright.

“Better,” Pinkie said as she smiled darkly.

Dan* slowly opened his eyes, finding his eyelids wouldn’t quite go up all the way. Holding his head upright seemed problematic too as he attempted to focus through the pain. He could feel a warm liquid pour from his nose down over his lips and a copper taste on his tongue. Slowly, the blurs came back into focus as he heard the sound of the bat being unceremoniously dropped. He opened his eyes to see Pinkie walk back towards the table.

Dan* kept his focus on her as the pain started to numb and the blood flow from his nose began to turn into a trickle. To his surprise, Pinkie went for the box of cigarettes, opened it, and fished one out.

Pinkie brought the cigarette up to her lips and lit it as she took a long drag off of it.

Dan* shook his head. “You’re going pretty far for this little show you’re putting on, aren’t you?”

Pinkie said nothing and continued to stare at Dan* without expression. She exhaled a long, continuous puff of smoke as she began walking back towards Dan*.

Dan* chuckled, his head had begun to clear and the pain of being wacked repeatedly with bad was almost a distant memory at this point. His knowing smirk returned. “You know those things will kill yo—”

Dan* noted a flicker a movement before he felt a point on his forehead erupt in searing pain.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dan* cried out as Pinkie smashed the lit end of her cigarette against his forehead.

“You don’t take me seriously…” Pinkie said as she leaned over Dan* and casually flicked her stubbed-out cigarette behind her.

Dan* looked up at Pinkie, lifting his swollen eyebrow as much as he could. “I’m starting to…”

Pinkie grinned darkly. “Well… too little, too late…” she said, leaning up. She walked over to the table of random items and picked up the duct tape.

Dan* raised his eyebrow slightly; the act was slowly getting easier. “I can assure you, I’m in no state to get out of this chair at the moment.”

Pinkie pulled on the end of the duct tape and unstuck a good several inches from the roll. She ripped the strand from the roll with her teeth and sauntered back up to Dan*, walking behind him. She leaned her head down next to his ear. “Oh… It’s not to keep you in place, I just decided I’m tired of hearing you talk.”

Dan*’s eyes widened slightly “Wait!” he said. “If you tape my mouth shut how am I supposed to tell you— MMMMPH! MMMMM!”

“Better!” Pinkie said cheerfully. She walked back over to the table and took off her black jacket, revealing black suspenders that went down from her shoulders over her chest. Attached to the suspenders was a sheath that had a black handle sticking out of it. She set her jacket on the table.

Pinkie grabbed the cassette tape, turned, and held it up as she asked with a smile, “Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?”

Dan*’s eyes went wide as he began to struggle against the tape that held him to the chair. His head had cleared to the point where he could think clearly, and at this point he thought that maybe… just maybe he miscalculated exactly how Pinkie would react to having her boyfriend kidnapped. “MMMMMPGH! MMMMMGHGFFFF!”

Pinkie giggled darkly as she hit a button on the boom box, causing a front compartment to open. “Relax, silly! Does it look like I brought a raincoat and axe?” Pinkie said as she motioned to the table.

Dan* stopped struggling but shot Pinkie a perplexed look.

Pinkie shook her head. “Noper! What I have planned for you is a little more close and personal…” Pinkie placed the tape in the front of the player and closed it, then hit another button on the top. The sound of a guitar being strum began to gently sound out from the boom box, it was quickly followed by the sound of a bass, a backup guitar, and clapping.

Dan*’s eyes went wide as Pinkie reached for the black item on the table.  Grim realization entered his face as the connection between the black item on the table and the music click. Though he could feel that his face was likely caked with dried blood, his wounds had healed, but he realized more wounds were very likely to occur in his near future.

Pinkie flicked out a straight razor from the black handle and began to dance to the music. She slowly bobbed her way back towards Dan*. The vocals kicked in and Pinkie began to sing along with them.

--Well, I don't know why I came here tonight

--I got the feeling that something ain't right

--♫

--♫

Dan* watched as Pinkie would stroll forward, then backwards, then forward again. She even danced backwards in a small circle at one point before continuing her meandering journey towards the chair.

--♫

Dan* glanced up at the windows, noting that the last traces of daylight had just about to cease eking into the dingy warehouse.

--♫

Pinkie regained his full attention as she swung her razor out. Dan* let out a muffled cry as the blade cut into his cheek.

--♫

Pinkie stopped singing, instead she simply stared down at Dan*. Her face was once again devoid of emotion.

--♫

Pinkie’s eyes twitched and she grit her teeth. She leaned down as her mouth exploded into a crazed smile.

--♫

Dan* felt a sharp sting in the side of his head and screamed into the duct tape around his mouth as he felt the pain slowly make its way down the side of his head.

--♫

Rational thought was drowned out by the agony of having the side of his head cut into.  Dan* struggled against the tape the bound him, but Pinkie held fast. Despite his struggling, he could feel her blade pushing down further and further.

--♫

“PINKIE!”

Dan* felt the welcome feeling of the blade pulling up and out of the side of his head.

--♫

“WHAAAAaaaaAAAT?!” Pinkie cried as she pulled up her now blood-covered razor and shot an irritated glance at Elise.

--♫

Elise sighed and shook her head as Chris and Jean filed back into the warehouse behind her. “ Chris remembered what scene you were reenacting when he heard the music!”

--♫

“Yeah, so?” Pinkie replied.

--♫

“Well… Since there’s no one here who’s going to shoot you, I have to ask what you planned to do after you set Dan’s look-alike here on fire?”

Pinkie smiled. “You know, I was going to play that by ear.” She suddenly scowled at Elise. “Which would have been a much funnier line if you had just given me a lousy few more seconds!” Pinkie snapped shrilly.

--♫

Dan* took another look towards the window. A pale light began to enter from outside and the throbbing pain on the side of his head began to numb almost immediately.

“Pinkie!” Chris called in a slightly pleading tone. “You can’t uh… ask this Dan where our Dan is if he’s dead!”

--♫

Pinkie pursed her lips and wrinkled her brow as if considering this idea for the first time. “Huhhhh… I guess I can’t…”

--♫

Chris sighed and shook his head. “I guess we better get that duct tape off his mouth…”

--♫

Duct tape ripped and wood cracked.

--♫

Everyone took a few steps away from Dan* as his muscles began to bulge and thick, coarse hair began to cover his body. His clothes ripped and fell away, unable to contain his new mass as he grew upwards and outwards. His mouth began to jut forward, changing into a muzzle tipped with a large black nose as his canines became more pronounced. Triangular, fur covered ears topped his head and the whites and blue of Dan*’s eyes turned a bright amber that surrounded his dark pupils. Of his clothes, only a stretchy pair of white boxers with red hearts on them and his black shoes and white socks survived the transformation.

Everyone simply stood motionless as a guitar solo continued to play from the boom box.

Elise, Chris, and Jean all took a few cautious steps back, their eyes opened wide as they attempted to make sense of the situation.

“Oh right!” Chris said as he dropped his fist into his open palm. “He got attacked by the wolf-man a month back!

Elise frowned. “Well that’s mildly distressing.”

Jean nodded in agreement. “I don’t think I came equipped for werewolf…”

--♫

Dan*’s lips curled upwards, revealing a mouth full of sharp teeth and opening into what seemed quite likely to be a wicked smile.  Wild animal eyes stared at Pinkie as the wolf-man-Dan* began to bop rhythmically to the tone that still played from the boom box.

--♫

“You wanna dance?” Pinkie asked as her eyelids began to drift downwards and the corners of her mouth began to float upwards. With her left hand she pulled out her chef knife out of the sheath on her suspenders. She held it upright as she held the straight razor in the right. “I wanna polka…”

--♫

Dan* lunged forward.

--♫

Pinkie did the same.

-oooooo-

The Doctor, D.H., and Crunchy all ran out of yellow building with a large sign that read ‘NORMAL NUTRITION’, sprinting out into the streetlight as the sounds of electric hums and gears whirring grew ever louder.

“This way!” the Doctor shouted as he took a right out the door.

Crunchy and D.H. quickly turned to follow.

“AH!” D.H. cried in alarm as she tripped over a red sandwich board that read ‘NORMAL NUTRITION nothing out of the ordinary here’.

‘THUMP!’

“Owie!” she cried as she hit the ground.

Crunchy quickly helped her up as the Doctor rushed back and scooped D.H. into his arms and resumed running down the street.

“Sorry,” the Doctor said, “I forgot that running isn’t your forte…”

D.H. looked up at the Doctor and giggled. “That’s alright… I already feel a lot better.”

Already exhausted from cycling, Crunchy breathed heavily as he struggled to keep up with the doctor. “Huff… puff… Did you have to park so… huff… far away, brah?!”

“What was I supposed to do?” the Doctor shouted back. “Just park my van in front of the place I knew had evil androids in it?! I had to be discrete!”

The Doctor turned left at the end of the block and Crunchy followed. “There!” the Doctor said as a blue van came into view.

Crunchy frowned as he and the Doctor sprinted towards the van. The blue paint looked a bit on the faded side and the rectangular van itself looked like it easily could be as old as fifty years.

As they approached, the Doctor gently set D.H. down in front of the passenger side. D.H. threw open the door and the sight of a smiling blond-haired girl in a purple hoodie greeted her.

“Mommy!” Dinky cried excitedly as D.H. threw open the passenger side door.

D.H. quickly stepped up into the van and hugged her daughter, practically falling on top her as she did.

“Mommy, you’re all sweaty!” Dinky protested.

D.H. sighed. “I know, Dinky.” She parted enough to look Dinky in the face as best she could. “Now buckle up. Daddy and mommy are being chased by evil androids who want to use as all as human batteries.”

Dinky sighed as she walked back behind the front seats and buckled herself into the seat behind them. “I’ll never get macaroni at this rate!” she bemoaned as the Doctor opened the driver side door and climbed up into the seat.

“Don’t worry,” the Doctor said. “I’m sure the van can outrun a few bloody, booting up androids,” he added as Crunchy quickly opened the side door sat down on the seat next to Dinky.

Crunchy closed the door behind him and buckled up. He shot a concerned look towards the front of the van. “Well you better get a start on outrunning them, because they’re catching up.” He said before turning to look out his window with a distressed look.

“Not a problem!” The Doctor stated as he put the key into the ignition. “Allons-y!” he shouted as he turned it.

The engine of the van roared to life.

Crunchy breathed a sigh of relief. “You know for a moment there, I thought the van wouldn’t start.”

“Please,” the Doctor said, rolling his eyes as he shifted the van into gear and pulled it into the street. “It’s a van owned by two hyperintelligent adults who need to have a working vehicle to get to and, many times, away from places very quickly. Of course it’s in good working order.”

D.H. giggled and batted her eyelids in the most Doctorly direction she could manage. “I love it when you call me hyperintelligent…”

“Mommy!” Dinky whined. “Your friend smells funny!”

“Dinky, don’t be rude!” D.H. said. “He’s a hippy, they’re supposed to smell like that.”

“Also, I’ve been exercising in a full suit, little dudette!” Crunchy added. He scrunched his forehead as he looked down at the little girl next to him and then up towards the front of the van. “You took your little girl with you when you knew there would be evil robots?!”

“Well I couldn’t bloody well leave her at home, could I?!” the Doctor shot back as the van picked up speed.

Crunchy gave the Doctor a perplexed look. “Uh… I’m not like a parent… or anything… but wouldn’t it have been safer at home for her?”

D.H. sighed. “We left Dinky out of sight for a few hours once and she had turned the microwave onto a high-energy radio frequency gun…”

The Doctor nodded. “Yes, taking her with us to face androids heck-bent on world domination was much safer for all parties involved… except the androids.”

Dinky leaned forward and looked back and forth between her parents, giving them both a helping of a rather indignant look. “The instructions were right there on the internet! I mean… How could I not?”

“Well…” the Doctor said, “I am pleased about your inquisitive nature…”

D.H. shook her head. “I just wish it came with less of a chance we’d be caught in a fiery explosion… I mean… we get enough of that outside of home!”

“Well how else am I going to learn?!” Dinky cried.

Crunchy turned in his seat and looked out the back windows of the Van. “Uh… I hate to keep being the buzzkill of the group… but those ripped-looking androids are still following us and gaining on us…”

The Doctor sighed as he looked up at his rearview mirror. “Oh bloody hell…”

Nonplused by the news, Dinky spoke up again. “Seriously! It’s not like they teach me how to make anything cool in school!”

D.H. looked back at Dinky and shook head. “Let’s talk about this later when something isn’t chasing use down and trying to capture us.”

Dinky folded her arms across her chest and shot a sullen look towards the window. “You always say that!”

D.H. sighed and turned towards the Doctor. “Did you bring my Electronic Discharge Generator?”

“Dearest, you just sent me a text saying you had been kidnapped by robots. Of course I brought your lightning gun!” the Doctor said as he leaned down and came back up with a several foot-long, cylindrical black object that had a couple of hand grips on it, a red switch in front of the front grip, a satellite dish like attachment at the front, and a scope mounted on the top.

D.H. short her husband a slightly disapproving look. “It’s not a gun!”

The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Does it have a trigger?”

D.H. sighed. “It’s a switch! It’s not like it discharges immediately upon hitting the switch!”

“Ha!” the Doctor cried triumphantly. “So you admit it shoots something!”

“Discharges!” D.H. insisted.

“Oh, you’re just being pedantic!” the Doctor insisted. “Upon hitting the ‘switch’ does it ‘discharge’ out of an aperture that’s pointed at a target?”

 “Yes…” D.H. uttered begrudgingly.

“See! Gun!”

“Uh… dude and dudettes?” Crunchy said as he look behind him, staring out the back window of the van. “I hate to interrupt your… uh… important discussion, but the robots are getting closer.”

D.H. twisted in her seat and stared out the back window, squinting as she attempted to focus her crooked eyes. “Uhg!” she cried in frustration turning back towards her husband. “Whatever, just… lean out the window and start fire—discharging!”

The Doctor glanced from the road long enough to give his wife a cross look. “Dearest, you know how I feel about guns!”

“It’s not a gun!” D.H. cried.

The Doctor shook his head. “Regardless of what it is, I’m also driving! There’s not a bloody good chance of me hitting anything!”

“Well I can’t use it!” D.H. said. “I can barely hit anything under ideal conditions, and firing while in a moving vehicle at night is hardly ideal!”

“I can fire it!” Dinky said enthusiastically.

“NO!” the Doctor and D.H. said simultaneously as they turned to face their daughter behind them.

Dinky crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared out the window as she puffed her cheeks out.

D.H. shifted her look towards Crunchy. “Crunchy? Do you think you could crawl to the back of the van, open the door, and start firing electricity at the androids?”

Crunchy closed his eyes shook his head. “I am a man of peace. I could not live with myself if I destroyed a living thing…”

“They’re robots, remember?” D.H. said. “So… not alive technically.”

“Oh, right…” Crunchy said as his eyes opened again. “Hand me the lightning gun then.”

“Electronic Discharge Generator!” D.H. protested. “Or E.D.G!”

“Right, had me the E.D.G. and I’ll fry the turkeys!” Crunchy paused and added, “Uhhh… The robot turkeys… which are actually robots… and not turkeys at all…”

D.H. handed the E.D.G. to Crunchy.

Crunchy held the E.D.G. in his left arm and undid his seatbelt with his right he began to make his way towards the back of the van.

The Doctor looked over at D.H. “You know they’re androids, not robots… They’re potentially capable of independent thought and learning as well, so technically—”

D.H. shot a glare at the Doctor. “It’s either Crunchy fires electricity at the androids or Dinky!”

Dinky turned towards the front again as her face lit up.

Crunchy leaned over the back set of seats and lifted the handles to the back doors of the van. He pushed them open and the wind began to howl as the van cruised down the road.

The Doctor looked up at his rearview mirror, seeing Crunchy kneel on the back seat and take aim with the E.D.G. at the androids who seemed to be closing the gap between themselves and the van.

The Doctor sighed to himself. “Robots it is.”

“Awwman…” Dinky uttered in disappointment.

Crunchy took aim with the E.D.G., looking out the scope at the androids who ran with almost perfect form at high speed down the road. He closed one eye and stared through the scope with the other. He flipped the switch on the front and tensed slightly.

To his surprise, the device seemed to do nothing at first, but he suddenly noted a humming coming from the E.D.G. that grew louder in intensity.

‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’

‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’

Electricity shot from the dish at the front and sizzled through the air, stopping as it hit an android’s left arm. The arm spasmed as electricity arched around it, and soon the android’s left leg jerked as well.

‘CLANG!’

The android collapsed as its left foot hit the ground at a weird angle, it rolled along the road, losing momentum as other androids shifted slightly to avoid it.

“Nice one!” the Doctor said.

“Try to hit them in the chest!” D.H. said. “It should supercharge their battery and cause a small explosion.”

“Right, brah!” Crunchy said as he flipped the switch which had clicked back into place just after discharge.

‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’

‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’

Crunchy’s next shot went high, catching an android in the head. It flailed its limbs wildly as it too collapsed to the street.

‘CLANG!’

“Whoops…” Crunchy said.

“Well, that works, too…” D.H. said.

“Let me try again…” Crunchy said.

‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’

‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’

An androids chest lit up briefly with electricity, then a quick burst of flame before it fell to the ground.

‘CLANG!’

D.H. looked back and smiled. “Hey, you’re doing pretty good!”

“I took a job as a forest ranger once,” Crunchy said as he flipped the switch again.

‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’

“Can I get a turn?” Dinky asked.

‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’

‘CLANG!’

“NO!” D.H. and the Doctor said in unison.

Dinky let out an exasperated sigh.

“Bollocks…” the Doctor uttered.

Dinky giggled.

“Language!” D.H. cried as she turned to scold her husband.

The Doctor shook his head. “Sorry dearest… It’s just we’re coming up on traffic and a red light.”

D.H. looked forward and noticed a number of red lights, both from the cars in front of them slowing down, and from the traffic lights suspended above the upcoming intersection. Her mind immediately went to an appropriate response for their situation.

“Bollocks…”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 139 Pinkie Vs. Wolf-Man

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 139 Pinkie Vs. Wolf-Man

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 139 Pinkie Vs. Wolf-Man

-oooooo-

“What do we do?!” D.H. cried as their van got closer to the vehicles in front of them, vehicles that were slowly coming to a stop. “Those androids are going to capture us if we stop, and we probably can’t fight off what’s left still…”

From the back of the van, the E.D.G. hummed once more before releasing another bolt of energy.

‘HmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM!’

‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’

This time a tan-skinned android with a goatee took the blast, and with a pop and a hiss, his chest expanded before the android fell to the ground.

‘CLANG!’

“Uh… dudes?” Crunchy said in a worried tone. “They’re getting really close…”

The Doctor scanned the outside briefly. “Crunchy, sit down and buckle up. This might get a little rough…”

“What about the doors, brah?!” Crunchy asked as androids began to run closer and closer to the open back doors of the van.

“Leave them!” The Doctor cried. “They should close on their own in a second here.”

Crunchy got up and made his way back to the seat next to Dinky.

“‘On their own?!’  D.H. said in alarm. “You’re not going to try what I think you’re going to try, are you?”

The Doctor grinned. “Hold on to your seat, dearest.” He glanced back and added. “You too, Dinky.”

D.H. sighed.

Dinky threw up her hands excitedly. “Wheeee! Here comes the fun part!”

“Fun part?” Crunchy asked as he rested the E.D.G. on his lap.

“Just hold on!” The Doctor shouted. He suddenly slammed his foot on the brake. The back doors banged shut as the van’s wheels suddenly  locked and everyone was jerked back into their seats as tires screeched against the concrete below them.

“Ah!”

“Whoa…”

“Wheee!”

‘CLANG!’

‘CLANG!’

The sound of metal hitting metal from outside accompanied a few vaguely human-shaped dents on the back of the van.  Androids passed the van as they tried to slow their speed to stay with the vehicle that had come to an abrupt stop.

The Doctor suddenly hit the accelerator and pulled the van onto the sidewalk, honking his horn as he began to drive the large metal vehicle onward.

Dinky threw up her arms and continued to squeal in delight. “Wheeeeeeee!”

Crunchy ducked down and covered his head with his hands.

“I haAaAaAaAaAaAte when you do this!” D.H. cried as the vehicle jostled around her.

“Desperate times, dearest!” The Doctor said. He pointed forward.  “Don’t worry, we’ll be off the sidewalk soon.”

D.H. looked forward towards where the Doctor was pointing. “To the train station?” she cried. “Are you sure?”

 “It should give us many more places to hide than a random store or restaurant!” the Doctor retorted. “Plus, potentially more weapons to fight them with.”

D.H. cocked an eyebrow. “Weapons?”

The Doctor smirked. “They seem to have trouble with large metal pipes to the head.”

-ooooooo-

Moonlight shone through the few windows of the otherwise dimly lit warehouse. The wolf-man’s fur seemed to almost glow from the light outside. Pinkie’s metal blades glinted as they also caught some of the moonlight.

In his wolf-man form, Dan* was easily several feet taller than Pinkie, however she showed no sign of fear or concern over the sudden change in events. In a blur of pink and black, Pinkie lunged forward and extended her chef’s knife in front of her. Though Dan* moved with an inhuman speed, Pinkie was quicker and slipped past razor sharp claws.

With a sickening sound of flesh being cut, Pinkie buried her knife into Dan*’s furry neck.

“Pinkie!” Chris cried. “We still need him alive!”

Elise frowned. “I don’t think that’ll do it.”

--♫

Despite the eight inches of steel that had just been shoved into his neck, Dan*’s lips were still pulled up in what looked like a malevolent smile made even worse by his massive set of teeth. A dark, throaty, gurgling sound reminiscent of laughter leaked out from between his clenched jaw.

--♫

Pinkie slowly removed her knife and lowered herself off her tip-toes as she scowled up at the half-man, half-wolf creature that towered over her.

--♫

She looked at the bloody knife, then up at the wound she had inflicted. The wound was already starting to close and Dan* continued his dark, animal laughter as the gurgling started to lessen.

--♫

Pinkie suddenly leapt up and slashed out with her straight razor.

--♫

 “AHWHOOOOOOOOOOLLLLL!”

Dan* howled in pain as one of his triangular ears fell to the ground.

--♫

Pinkie grinned. “Ouch! Sliced off ear. I hear that’s painful…”

--♫

In a brown flash, Dan* backhanded Pinkie with his massive paw and sent her flying.

‘THUD!’

‘CRASH!’

The table and boom box splintered and fell apart into a mix of wood, metal, and plastic as Pinkie collided with both.

“PINKIE!” Elise called out.

“I’m okay!” Pinkie said as she looked up out of the wreckage. “I’m just really ticked off!”  Pinkie grabbed the length of rope which had fallen on top of her and smiled wickedly.

Dan* began to advance upon Pinkie, a constant inhuman growl escaping from him as he bared his teeth.

Elise reached into her coat and pulled out a massive revolver.

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you came prepared with silver bullets.”

Elise shook her head and raised the gun up in front of her face as she aimed it at Dan*. “No, but this will come in handy regardless. Cover your ears.” She glanced at Jean. “You too, Jean.”

Chris and Jean complied.

Elise pulled the trigger. With a flash from the barrel, the gun jerked upward as the deafening sound of the shot echoed through the warehouse.

‘POOW!’

--♫

Dan* jerked slightly as the bullet struck him. He focused his attention on Elise. His eyes narrowed as his ear perked forward and the healing nub of his other ear twitched. He opened his lips into an animal like sneer and growled.

“Elise!” Pinkie cried as she picked herself up, rope in hand. “What are you doing?! He’s mine!”

“Would you calm down?!” Elise cried. “This isn’t some grudge match! HE’S TRYING TO KILL US ALL!”

Elise took aim and fired again.

‘POOW!’

--♫

And again.

‘POOW!’

‘POOW!’

‘POOW!’

‘POOW!’

After the sixth round was fired, Elise placed her weapon back inside her jacket.

Though sporting six fresh chest wounds, Dan*’s sneer turned upwards into a sinister looking smile as he continued to bare his massive, sharp teeth.

A length of thick rope suddenly fell in front of Dan* and was pulled taut, pinning his arms to his sides. He began to turn his head to look behind him, but Pinkie was already on the move. In a black-and-pink flash she ran circles around the massive wolf-man.

Dan* teetered slightly then hit the floor with a loud ‘Womp!’, finding himself entangled in several dozen feet of rope.

Pinkie brushed the palms of her hands against each other as she looked down at Dan* with a satisfied expression. “I’d love to keep playing, but looks like you’re all tied up.”

Chris chuckled. “He’s certainly knot going anywhere…”

Elise sighed. “Chris, can we save the bad puns for when the wolf-man isn’t breaking free?”

With an angered expression on his face, Dan* struggled against the rope, shifting his limbs and flexing his powerful muscles against the tight constraints. The threads began to fray and snap.

“Well this won’t do!” Pinkie said.

“I think I can help!” Jean said as he reached into his lab-coat and pulled out a small device that had a handle, a trigger, and a nozzle on the front. Jean reached into his coat again and pulled out a small vial of a light-blue liquid that he loaded into a small hole in the back of the device. He aimed the device at Dan*’s face and pulled the trigger. A jet of light blue liquid shot out and hit Dan* on his muzzle. He shook his head and continued to squirm and flex against his bonds, but his efforts suddenly became less focused and he began to squirm on the floor almost aimlessly.

“What was that?” Chris asked.

Jean smiled. “It’s a chemical compound I designed to incapacitate animals. I had no idea if it would work on something that was also half-human…” Jean stared at Dan* with a somewhat detached look, as if observing something through a monitor. “Fascinating…”

“Just as long as it’ll keep him busy…” Pinkie said. She ran over to the pile of debris where the table once stood and fetched the gas can.

Elise smacked a palm against her head. “Pinkie, what are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?!” Pinkie said as she unscrewed the lid to the gas can and approached Dan*. “I’m going to set him on fire, d’uh!”

The warehouse reeked of the scent of gasoline as Pinkie began pouring the contents of the gas can onto Dan*. Dan*’s somewhat aimless squirming suddenly became more frantic and slightly more focused as the liquid was poured over him.

“Will that kill him?!” Chris exclaimed.

Elise turned to Chris. “Are you asking me? You and Dan are the ones who’ve seen the most terrible movies!”

Chris’s eyelids dropped slightly as he stared at his wife. “It’s not like they’re documentaries. I mean… it might kill him, or we might just have to fight a werewolf that’s also on fire!”

Elise turned back towards Pinkie. “Well, either way, this seems like a bad idea.”

As the last bits of gas poured out of the gas can, there was a sudden ‘snap!’ as the rope finally gave way to the mass of werewolf muscle. Dan* quickly swatted upwards at Pinkie.

‘THUMP!’

The blow caught Pinkie in the midsection and sent her flying across the warehouse once more.

‘THUD!’

Pinkie’s back collided with the wall and fell into her hands and knees. She looked up just as her eyes began to twitch and her teeth ground together. “Gettin’ real tired of that,” she said as she shook her head and crawled towards the debris of wood, metal, and plastic.

Dan* woozily stood up to his feet and growled once more as gasoline dripped from his fur. Pinkie glared up at him as she began running a hand through the remains of the table and boom box.

Dan* began to open his jaws as he approached Pinkie, his growling increasing in volume.

Elise reached into her jacket and pulled out a small throwing knife. She took careful aim, then let it fly.

‘THUNK!’

With another howl of pain, Dan* crossed his eyes and stared at the small blade as it stuck out of his snout. With a flick of his claw, the flung the knife off to some far corner of the warehouse, then turned towards Elise. Dan*’s toothy, devilish grin returned.

Elise reached into her jacket again, this time pulling out an assault rifle which looked to have a grenade launcher attached below the barrel.

Dan*’s wicked smile and ears dropped as he stared at the weapon in concern.

Elise opened fire.

‘RAKATAKATAKATAKTAKTATAKTAKTAKTAKTA…!’

Dan* howled in pain once more as bullets poured from the rifle and into his body. He suddenly dropped to all fours and bolted for an exit. He lowered his head as he smashed into a door of the warehouse. Wooden splinters flew everywhere as Dan* disappeared into the night.

“AHHHHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo…!”

“WHAT THE HECK?!” Pinkie snapped as she rose to her feet and stared out the door Dan* had just broken. She turned towards Elise. “I almost had him!” Pinkie held up the silver lighter.

Elise rolled her eyes and lowered her rifle. “You’re welcome…”

“I’m ‘welcome’!? I’M ‘WELCOME’!?” Pinkie exclaimed, her voice getting increasingly shrill as she trudged up to Elise. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET REVENGE FOR DAN NOW THAT WE’VE SCARED OFF HIS KIDNAPPER!?” Pinkie practically screamed as she motioned to the broken door.

“PINKIE!” Elise snapped. “I know you’re upset that Dan has been kidnapped and that you were almost maimed in a TV explosion, but you need to calm down and start thinking straight… ish…”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “What I need is to track down that wolf-man and make him wish he never so much as thought of messing with Dan and me!”

Chris’s eyes darted back and forth between the two women as they silently watched with pensive expressions. Jean’s expression was much calmer, watching with a somewhat blank expression on his face, almost as if he wasn’t in the same room as the two quarrelling women.

Elise continued, “Well, you’re running us all ragged and don’t seem to care if you’re playing right into Dan’s look-alike hands… paws… whatever!” Elise cried. “We can barely keep up with you!”

“SORRY IF I TAKE MY BOYFRIEND BEING KIDNAPPED A LITTLE MORE SERIOUS THAN THE REST OF YOU!”

Chris stared down at his suit and continued to shift awkwardly.

“Believe it or not, I am being serious!” Elise retorted as she motioned to herself. “So much that I’m trying to make sure you don’t do something you’ll regret!”

“I WOULDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO REGRET IF YOU DIDN’T GET IN MY WAY BACK THERE!” Pinkie cried.

Elise shook her head. “Oh, I sincerely doubt that.”

“Excuuuuseme!?”

Elise flung her hands to her sides. “Well, assuming you succeed and got him before he got you, you still would have just killed him!”

“THAT WAS THE BASIC IDEA!!” Pinkie snapped.

“WELL HOW WERE WE GOING TO FIND OUT WHERE DAN IS IF THE ONLY PERSON, WOLF-MAN OR NOT, WAS TOO DEAD TO TALK TO US?!”

Pinkie’s eyes widened and her angry expression suddenly departed from her features as if it remembered it was late for something. “Oh… I keep forgetting we’d need him alive to question him…”

Chris sighed. “Yeah… You’d think that was obvious… Especially after I kind of already mentioned it…”

Jean shrugged. “Well… I mean if we get his brain out fast enough, I’m sure with the right equipment…”

Elise shot Jean a look. “Not helping.”

“Right, sorry…” Jean said.

“I’m sorry, too…”

The group turned and looked at Pinkie.

Elise shook her head. “It’s alright Pinkie…”

“No it’s not!” Pinkie cried. “I’m just so, so madand scared, even! And it’s making it even harder to think! It’s just so hard and terrible living here sometimes, and Dan can make it all better! He makes it worth it!” Tears began to stream from Pinkie’s eyes. “It’s just… hic… hheeehh… HOW CAN SOMEONE TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME!?” Pinkie suddenly threw her arms around Elise. “I’m so, so sorry! I just… hic… hhhehhh… I don’t know what I’d do without him!WHOUAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA! And now… hic… AND NOW THE ONLY WAY WE HAVE OF FINDING HIM IS GONE! WHOUAAAAHOUAAAAAHOUAAAAHOUAAAAAAHOUAAAAHOUAAAAAA…!”

Elise gently placed her arms around Pinkie. “Shhhh…. It’s alright Pinkie… We’ll find him…”

“NO WE WON’T!” Pinkie cried. “HE’S GONE AND DAN’S GONE AND IT’S ALL MY FAHUAHUAHUALT~! WHOUAAAAHOUAAAAAHOUAAAAHOUAAAAAAHOUAAAAHOUAAAAAA…!”

Elise shook her head. “No… I mean… We’ll find the wolf-man, because he’s got half a dozen tracking devices lodged in his torso.”

“…HOUAAAAHOUAAAAAAHOUAAAA… Come again?” Pinkie said as shebroke her embrace with Elise and took a couple steps back.

Elise pulled out her revolver and held it up. “This fires tracking bullets that can bury themselves in metal if need be, so we can find him.”

“Wow! Brilliant thinking, Elise!” Jean said.

“Uh, yeah… Quick thinking, beautiful,” Chris said.

“So we can still find Dan!” Pinkie said excitedly. “Let’s go!”

Elise shook her head. “Just a second. We can’t just go face down a werewolf with the weapons we have!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip.

Chris put a comforting hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Come on Pinkie. I’m sure we can just pop back into your and Dan’s apartment and grab some silvered weapons or even heat up the oven and silver coat something else, if we need to.”

Jean turned to Chris and cocked an eyebrow. “You really think you can melt silver with an oven?”

Chris shrugged. “Dan’s done it at least twice… I mean… as ‘farfetched things that Dan has done’ goes, that one is actually not that strange.”

“Huh...” Jean uttered. “Well, he’s definitely resourceful.”

Pinkie ran her lengthy tongue under her eyes and dried her tears… somehow. “You’re right Chris! We can’t just rush evil-wolf-Dan without a plan! We need to load up on silver weapons and launch a proper rescue attempt! One where we find Dan and then kill his evil-sorta double!”

Elise breathed a sigh of relief and rested a hand on Pinkie’s free shoulder. “Now that is a sensible plan.”

Chris cocked an eyebrow at Elise. “Still involves murder.”

Elise shrugged. “I’m just going to take what I get at this point.”

‘Buzzz… buzzzz…’

Chris jumped slightly as he felt a vibration from his coat pocket. The group turned and looked at him as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

“It’s a text from Crunchy…” Chris said as he stared at the phone.

Pinkie frowned. “Oh right… ” She turned and gave Elise a concerned look. “What do we do? We can’t just abandon them, but Dan’s still in trouble!”

Chris continued to stare at his phone. “He says he’s still trying to escape the Androids with D.H. and her family… at the train station…”

Pinkie shot Chris a concerned look. “Her entire family? Like… husband and daughter?!”

Chris scanned the message again. “I don’t know… But I mean… Why else would Crunchy text that unless that was the case?”

Pinkie lowered her head and slumped her shoulders. “Well… I mean… I guess we definitely need to help now…”

Elise reached into her jacket and pulled out a thin, rectangular device. She pressed a button and a screen lit up on it composed of squares, lines, and a bright red dot that was moving across it. “Maybe we can split up… You and Chris can get some silver ready and go rescue Dan while Jean and I deal with these androids.”

Pinkie looked up and smiled. “You mean it?!”

Jean also smiled. “Sounds like a good idea to me.”

Chris frowned. “You and Jean…?”

“Sure!” Elise said excitedly. “I mean… I’d love to pick his brain about that compound he used on the wolf-man! Plus, you and Pinkie are have lots of experience pulling Dan out of trouble.”

Chris sighed heavily. “Riiiiight… and it’s not like I did anything to help here…” Chris bemoaned.

Elise wrinkled her brow slightly and shot Chris a somewhat confused glance.

‘Buzzz… buzzzz…’

Chris looked at his phone again. “It’s from Ninja Dave… He says he and Becky are near the train station and are on their way to help.”

Pinkie turned towards Elise with a slightly pleading look. “Do you think they’d be enough to help them?”

Elise smiled. “Ninja Dave is a trained warrior and Becky’s at least dealt with vampires before… I’m sure they’re enough to help Crunchy, D.H., and her family.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “So we can all go wolf-man hunting! Hurray!”

“Wait…” Chris said. “What if this is still what he wants?”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “You think he planned getting shot with a tracking device or six?”

“Well no…” Chris said. “But he at least managed to get those gym-androids working again. I mean… there could be a bunch of them waiting for us. Or something else, even…”

Elise scrunched her lips up to one side of her mouth. “That’s true… I mean… He must have at least prepared for just about everyone who works at the bakery in addition to us in some capacity or another… We could still be walking into a trap…”

“But… but… Daaaaaaaan~!” Pinkie protested.

“Don’t worry…” Elise assured. “Well get him… but maybe we need to do something he wouldn’t expect… Bring in one or more people to help he hasn’t prepared for…” Elise mused.

“Okay, but who?” Chris asked. “You don’t mean…”—Chris glanced at Jean briefly, then back to Elise— “someone from your work, do you?”

Elise shook her head. “I think it’s best I don’t mix my professional and personal life here…” Elise scrunched her forehead and frowned slightly. “But I’m sure I can come up with someone unexpected…”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 140 The Doctor Vs. Androids

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 140 The Doctor Vs. Androids

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 140 The Doctor Vs. Androids

-oooooo-

Dan let his body hang limply from his confines as he simply stared glumly out at the warehouse in front of him. Dan’s would be torturer stood in front of him and monologued about Dan’s predicament and assured that the worse was yet to come.

Who knew that being kidnapped would be so…

Dan stared out with a listless expression as he watched Dr. Pullum. The chemicals in Dan’s system made focusing on much of anything difficult which made getting angry or upset about his situation difficult. As a result he could not do much in the way of escape, complaining about his situation, or even really suffer from it either.

…boring.

Dan made a mental note to downgrade Dr. Pullum from ‘would-be torturer’ to ‘irritator’ as the supervillain worked himself up into the climax of his speech.

 “…and with your friends scattered and being attacked on all sides, it’s just a matter of time until your little girlfriend is brought here and executed before your very eyes!” Dr. Pullum threw his hands up and began to laugh maniacally. “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Dan sighed as he continued to hang from metal shackles. He glanced downward. “Is this his only job? To be obnoxious to me while Mr. Unbearably Smug tries and likely fails to give my friends and girlfriend the runaround?”

“Yeah, pretty much…” Sunset Shimmer said without bothering to look up. She sat on a chair next to Dan and continued to run a nail file over her fingernails. She nodded at Dr. Pullum. “Though, I think he has robots or something for when people show up.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Uhg… His stupid dentobots? Chris and I took out a bunch of them with a metal pipe and a power drill…” Dan paused for a moment and thought about this. “As a matter of fact, I think most robots I’ve run into could be dispatched with a few blows from a metal pipe… You’d think people would start building robots that could at least stand up to that much.”

Sunset paused from her nail-filing to look up at Dan. “Dental bots?”

“Dentobots,” Dan corrected. “They have like… hooks instead of hands… And wrap you up in this stuff called ‘dental floss’… That’s about it.”

Sunset paused for a beat. “… That’s moronic.”

Dan shrugged as best he could in his restrains. “I know, but I mean… I guess when your only gimmick is being a dentist…”

Sunset sighed, shook her head, and motioned out to Dr. Pullum. “At least he could have given the robots drills, or… or high powered hoses!”

“I know, right?!” Dan said. “He has one stupid theme, and he’s not even using it to its full potential!”

“… HAHAHAHAHA… ” Dr. Pullum paused and turned to face Dan and Sunset. He leveled an accusatory finger at Sunset. “Stop fraternizing with the prisoner!”

Sunset stood up and motioned to Dan. “I’m not fraternizing with him! But it’s just so boring waiting around here!”

Dr. Pullum rested his fists on either side of his waist. “Well, try gloating! It’s how I pass the time!”

Sunset stared up at the ceiling and shrugged. “I’m not even that mad at him! It’s his girlfriend I’m really after!”

“What?!” Dr. Pullum cried. “He tried to kill you!”

“With good reason!” Dan said as he raised an index finger into the air.

Sunset nodded. “Yeah! I helped kidnap him and delivered a bomb to his apartment!” Sunset pointed an index finger up at to herself. “I’d try to kill me, too!”

“Finally!” Dan exclaimed. “One of you at least has some semblance of intelligence.”

Sunset turned and folded her arms across her chest. “Hey! Watch it bucko! You’re still chained and drugged up.”

“Speaking of which…” Dr. Pullum walked up to Dan and leaned down. He came back up with a clear nose and face mask that was attached to a hose.

“Oh, come on!” Dan whined.

“Sorry Danny, you’re sounding a bit too lucid… ” Dr. Pullum placed the mask over Dan’s face and turned a knob on a canisters attached to the hose. With a quiet hissing sound, Dan’s eyelids began to drift downward.

“Don’t call me… hehehe… call me… heheHAHAHAHA… Danny…. hehehe…”

Sunset sighed as she placed her hands on her hips. “Did you have to do that? He’s by far the most interesting out of you all to converse with!”

“Hey!” Helen protested from her chair a few feet away. “What am I, chopped liver?!”

“All you talk about is getting Pinkie! That’s it!”

Helen frowned. “Yeah but… but you’re after her too! I mean… she ruined your life!”

Sunset pulled one side of her lips up and glanced to her side, pulling her face into what looked like a contemplative sneer. “That’s a tad extreme viewpoint… I mean… she probably helped my boyfriend decide to dump and leave me to catch hypothermia and she did beat me at figure skating… But it’s not like I lost my job or apartment or anything…”

“What the heck?!” Helen cried. “You’ve whined about that day like crazy since I met you!”

Sunset shrugged. “Yeah, but then I hear your stories about what she’s done to you repeated ad nauseum and then I realized just how whiney it must all sound! Sure I’m ticked and even walked into her workplace just to suplex the girl, but I can’t let one bad day take over my entire life!”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this!” Helen exclaimed.

“What?” Sunset protested. “I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few weeks! Aside from getting back at someone way beyond what they did to me, I’m not getting a whole lot out of all this.”

Dr. Pullum narrowed his eyes and took a few menacing steps closer to Sunset. “You’re not thinking of setting him free, are you?”

Sunset held up her hands. “Hey! It’s not like I have any reason to help the guy here. I’m just… you know… I’ve got a life outside wanting to beat up that pink-haired girl.”

“She made being a waitress unbearable!” Helen cried.

Dr. Pullum motioned to Dan. “And Danny here ruined my life’s work!”

“I get it!” Sunset said as she flung her hands out to her sides. “You guys totally have legitimate reasons for wanting revenge on these two! But I mean… If I wanted to be squarezies with this girl, I’d just try entering a baking contest she’s in or something and win it… and not even an important baking competition.”

Dr. Pullum narrowed his eyes at Sunset. “What about this ex-boyfriend of yours? Don’t you want to wreck the pink-haired girl’s relationship in retribution?”

“Because of Flash?” Sunset held her palm up and stared at the ceiling briefly. “I’m mean… sure I’m upset about how that went down, but I don’t think I’d try to rescue him if we were still dating and he was kidnapped.”

“Geez!” Helen exclaimed. “It’s like you don’t even want revenge at all!”

Dr. Pullum nodded in agreement.

Sunset turned and looked at Dan, who continued to dangle limply from his constraints with a goofy, distant expression on his face as his eyes slowly drifted about the warehouse. “I kind of got it already…” Sunset said. “I mean... the whole kidnapping and bomb thing was plenty for what she did to me.”

“So what then?” Dr. Pullum asked. “Are you just calling it quits?”

“Well… no…” Sunset said. “I mean… I’ve come this far… I guess… I guess I can at least assault her a bit when I see her.”

“That’s it?” Helen asked.

“Yes, ‘that’s it’!” Sunset cried indignantly. “Sorry I don’t wring my hands together and glare at nothing every time someone says the name ‘Pinkie’ like you do!”

Helen wrung her hands together and glared off into open space as she uttered a sinister sounding “Pinkie…”

“See?!” Sunset said as she pointed at Helen. “You just did it again! Look, I got other stuff going for me, alright? As interesting as it’s been planning the systematic downfall of these two has been, I’m kinda looking forward to concentrating on my ice-skating again! I mean… what are you going to do?!”

Helen frowned and shrugged. “Uh… Go back to being a waitress… I guess…”

“That’s it?!” Sunset cried. “Come on! You’ve got to havesome ambition or goals!”

“I’m going to try taking over the world again!” Dr. Pullum said.

Sunset motioned out to Dr. Pullum. “See! At least the supervillain has something going for him!”

Helen sighed heavily. “Okay… I guess you have a point… I guess when Pinkie’s dead I’ll have to figure out something else for my life to be about… Maybe work my way up to assistant manager… or something.”

“Well… it’s a start…” Sunset said.

“Or you can just find someone else to hate!” Dr. Pullum suggested.

Helen’s eyes lit up. “Hey, yeah!”

Sunset raised both her palms up to her face. “Oh Lord…”

Helen turned and grinned deviously at Sunset, she stood and took a few steps forward. “So Sunset… do you have a special someone who hates you in your life?”

Sunset placed her hands over her ears. “Not having this conversation!”

Helen took another step. “You know… Someone to watch you from the shadows! Curse your name with their every breath… Collect your hair from the garbage for voodoo dolls or what-have-you.”

Sunset began to ‘sing’ loudly as she walked away. “La la la… Can’t hear you! La la la…”

“Come on!” Helen said as she began to follow Sunset. “There’s no need to be shy…”

Dr. Pullum watched the two women and simply sighed as he shook his head.

Dan chuckled. “Hehehe… You guys are alright…”

-oooooo-

The humming of the old van’s engine ceased as the Doctor turned off the ignition. He and the other three occupants quickly undid their seatbelts. Dinky leaned forward and looked down at the floor. She retrieved a small, blue backpack. Crunchy similarly leaned forward and looked down, coming back up with the E.D.G. that rattled slightly in his hand.

D.H. frowned as she heard the sound coming from her device. “Here!” she said. “Let me see that…”

Crunchy handed D.H. the E.D.G. “Do you think we lost them, dudes?” he asked.

The Doctor took a quick glance at the rearview and side mirrors. “Well, that would be incredibly fortunate, but I doubt we managed to elude so many—”

‘CRSSSHHH!’

A pale, muscular arm suddenly broke through the van’s side door window and reached into the vehicle.

“AAAAH!” Crunchy cried out in alarm as fingers latched onto his arm with vice-like strength.

“OUT THE FRONT! OUT THE FRONT!” The Doctor cried as he quickly reached for Dinky and ushered her to the front of the van. D.H. quickly threw open the passenger side door and grabbed hold of her daughter.

‘CRSSSHHH!’

As D.H. and Dinky fled out the front, the android thrust its smoothly-shaved face through more of the glass window and fixed its cold gaze on Crunchy.

“Hold on, Crunchy!” The Doctor cried as he leaned down and began searching the floor.

“Can you ask him to not hold on, brah?!” Crunchy cried as he pulled against the android’s grip.

The Doctor came back up with the metal bar he used previously on the Chris-android. He lifted it as high as he could in the confined space of the van and brought it down on the android’s arm.

‘CLANG!’

The arm twitched slightly on impact, but clutched onto Crunchy’s arm tightly as Crunchy continued to struggle.

The Doctor raised the pipe and brought it down again…

‘CLANG!’

… and again.

‘CLANG!’

‘Rrrrrrip!’

The arm of Crunchy’s suit jacket suddenly ripped as he slipped free of the android’s twitching fingers and they clamped around fabric. Crunchy fell back onto the seat as the android let the torn piece of clothing drop from his grip as it attempted to pull itself up into the van.

“Come on!” the Doctor cried. “This way!”

Crunchy rolled off the van seat and onto his feet, ducking past the Doctor and out the front door.

The Doctor shifted his weight back and held the metal pipe pointed out in front of him. He thrust his weight and the metal pipe forward into the face of the android.

With a loud ‘CRUNCH’! the pipe pushed through fake flesh and bent metal beneath it. The android suddenly fell backwards out of the window.

‘CLANK!’

The Doctor wasted no time in turning and heading out the front of the van after Crunchy. The two quickly fled out the front of the van and made their way towards railroad tracks and train cars, lit only by streetlights near the station and the full moon that continued to climb into the sky.

“I don’t see your family, brah!” Crunchy cried.

The Doctor scanned the area in front of him. He and Crunchy were rapidly making their way through what seemed like usually an inviting waiting area of benches and trees. In front of them was a chain-link fence; past that were railroad tracks and dozens of train cars lit mostly by the light of the full moon.

“They’ve both dealt with worse than this!” the Doctor said. “I’m sure they’ll be fine…” he said as much to assure himself as his unexpected running companion.

“Can we… huff… puff… stop soon?” Crunchy asked as he forced his burning muscles to propel him forward. “I’m feeling like a gazelle that’s been given the runaround by a bunch of lions, brah!”

The Doctor took a quick glance behind him. Though stunned and sporting a damaged and exposed mechanical eye, the android he had hit was getting back to its feet, and more of the muscled-men look-alikes were quickly coming up behind it.

He shook his head. “Hang in there, Crunchy… It’s going to get worse before it gets better.”

ooo<

Unsure of what dangers may or may not be right behind them, D.H. and Dinky made their way through an opening in the chain-link fence and onto the train tracks.

“This way!” D.H. cried as she pointed towards a collection of railroad cars. She and Dinky sprinted down the tracks.

“WHAH!” D.H. cried as a foot fell a bit early and she caught her toes on a one of the planks of wood below, falling forward.

‘Thump!’

“OOOFFF!” D.H. exclaimed as she fell to the tracks below. The E.D.G. went tumbling out of her hands, spinning front over backend a couple times before coming to a stop a few yards away.

Dinky quickly turned, ran up to her mother, and helped her back up to her feet.

D.H. sighed heavily and rubbed her bruised body. “You’d think I’d get used to running at some point.”

“It’s alright, momma… I’ll help you,” Dinky assured.

D.H. gave out a heavy sigh. “It’s supposed to be the other way around…” she uttered quietly to herself. She trudged over to the E.D.G. and picked it up. The rattling from inside the device had only worsened since Crunchy handed her the device. “Great… just great!” she cried. “If it wasn’t broken before, it sure is now!”

“Can you fix it?” Dinky asked.

D.H. shook her head and sighed. “Not without help…”

Dinky smiled wide. “I can help!”

“Thanks Dinkums, but unless you have a set of tools with you, I’m afraid we’ll just have to leave this for now.”

Dinky giggled and turned, then shimmied in place, allowing her blue backpack to jiggle back and forth.

D.H. rolled her eyes. “Why am I not surprised?” D.H. scanned the train cars. “We’ll need to find a place to hide… There’s still quite a few of those androids… We don’t want them to catch us unarmed.”

Dinky went silent for a beat.

D.H. squinted through the darkness at her daughter, who had just gone unusually quiet. “Diiiiinkuuuums?” she said in a warning tone. “What did you do?!”

“So when you say unarmed…”

“Dinkums!” D.H. said in a stern tone.

“Hey! Shouldn’t we be hiding, momma?”

“Okay, but we’re talking about this later…” D.H. said.

Dinky sighed. “Alright…”

The two quickly and quietly made their way to the train cars. The pair quickly darted from car to car as they nervously scanned their surroundings. Each one tugged at a set of train car doors and moved onto the next car as door after door held fast.

“Wha!” D.H. gave out a cry of alarm as a door suddenly slid open. She lost her footing and fell to the gravel below.

‘Thump!’

Dinky tensed, turned, and looked down both sides of the long line of train cars. She cautiously walked up to her mom and helped her back up to her feet. D.H. smiled sheepishly at her daughter, then slowly pushed open the railroad car just enough that both she and her daughter could get in. Once the door was open enough to slip through, D.H. picked up her daughter and slowly raised her up to the opening. Dinky quickly climbed inside then turned as D.H. handed her the rattling E.D.G. Dinky then helped her mother up before D.H. closed the door behind them.

With the door closed, the inside of the railroad car was pitch-black.

There was a brief bit of rustling followed by the sound of a zipper being pulled. With a ‘click’ and a brief hum, light flooded the metal enclosure.

D.H. let her eyes adjust as she noticed her daughter had pulled out a large silver flashlight/lamp/radio combination device. The handle was currently disconnected at the front and set upright as two tube-shaped fluorescent bulbs provided light. Dinky pressed a large button on front of the device and the large halogen bulb on the front suddenly lit up as well.

D.H. chuckled. “Have enough light there, Dinkums?”

“I also have my phone!” Dinky said cheerfully as she unzipped the small, front compartment on her backpack and pulled out a rectangular smartphone. She pressed a button on the side and the screen on the phone flashed to life.

“Open up the text messaging,” D.H. said.

Dinky nodded and pressed the screen a few times. “Okay, what now?”

“You’re going to text all my friends. Maybe one or more of them isn’t too busy being attacked themselves to help…”

Dinky frowned. “But I don’t have all your friend’s numbers!”

D.H. shook her head. “That’s okay, I have them all memorized.”

Dinky giggled. “Really?”

D.H. nodded. “Sure! A few sets of three and four digits each is hardly a big deal… Heck! I remember back when people didn’t even carry cell-phones and they had to carry around little books or memorize the numbers.”

Dinky laughed. “Hahaha… Really?! Geez, that must have been like forever ago!”

One of D.H.’s eyes twitched slightly. “Diiiinkuuuums…”she uttered in a low, warning growl.

Dinky giggled slightly. “Sorry mom…” she stared down at her phone.

D.H. nodded and began listing off numbers.

<-ooo->

“Bollocks…” the Doctor uttered as he poked his head out from behind a large black tanker car. “These androids certainly are persistent.”

Crunchy sat on the ground next to the Doctor and desperately tried to catch his breath. “Huff… We… puff… runnin’… wheeze… again?”

The Doctor sighed and examined his metal pipe that seemed to be getting increasingly bent out of shape every time he so much as glanced at it. “Well, yelling in alarm every time we bump into one and swinging this pipe isn’t getting us very far.” The Doctor quickly scanned his surroundings. “Hmmmmmm…” The Doctor smiled. “Crunchy, would you mind walking that way a bit?” the Doctor asked as he pointed down a line of tanker cars.

Crunchy slowly rose to his feet and began walking. “Sure… huff… brah… What… cough… cough… for?”

The Doctor began walking away from the tanker. “I’m afraid I’m using you as a bit of a distraction.”

 Crunchy simply continued walking. “Oh… wheeze… s’all good… huff… brah.”

“You there! Halt!”

Crunchy jumped slightly and turned as a light-skinned and an olive-skinned android, both devoid of any hair, advanced on him. Part of the light-skinned android’s face was ripped, exposing the metal underneath and a cracked eye. Crunchy desperately tried to quicken his pace into a sprint, but found his body was capable of little more than a clumsy, quickened gait.

The android quickly began to close the distance.

‘VRRRRRRM!’

The androids paused turned just as a forklift came barreling towards them, its long and dangerous-looking metal forks positioned at chest level. They both leapt out of its path, but the Doctor jerked the wheel and the vehicle swung after them.

‘SHHHHEEEEKREEEEECHCHCH!’

With the loud sound of metal scraping against metal, one of the forklift’s forks easily pierced the torso of the olive-skinned android and pinned it to the black metal tanker behind it. The Doctor leapt from the vehicle as it surged forward, pushing itself further into the black tanker. The android flailed briefly as a clear liquid sprayed out around the massive metal fork. The android slumped forward as its inner workings were suddenly flooded with fluid. The smell of gasoline filled the warm night air.

The Doctor quickly rose to his feet, dusted himself off, and met up with Crunchy.  “Are you alright?” the Doctor asked he grabbed Crunchy’s jacketless arm and placed it over his shoulders. The Doctor picked up his pace, allowing Crunchy to lean some of his weight on him.

“Oh… cough… I’m hanging… wheeze… in there, brah…”

“Sorry to rush you, but there’s a chance the tanker behind us may explode…”

“Is that… wheeze… good or bad… huff… puff… brah?”

‘Crunch.’

The Doctor and Crunchy heard the sound gravel being trodden on behind them. They turned to see the light-skinned android rapidly approaching them, gasoline dripping off its body.

The Doctor frowned. “I’ll let you know if we survive this.”

“The pipe?” Crunchy asked.

The Doctor shook his head as the android continued its approach. “Dropped it when I jumped from the forklift I’m afraid. I guess we’re running again…”

Crunchy reached into his coat. “Kinda feel like... huff takin’ it easy… puff  a bit… wheeze… brah…”

As the android approached, Crunchy pulled out a zippo lighter with a red, a yellow, and a green stripe on it with the words ‘ONE LOVE’ printed in bold black letters. In what seemed like one swift movement, Crunchy flipped the lighter open, sparked the flame, and flicked the lighter into the gas-soaked android, lighting it instantly.

‘FOWSH!’

The android’s body jerked slightly as the flames consumed its body. It wordlessly flailed its arms for a bit before collapsing to the ground in a writhing fire mass.

The Doctor shook his head. “Brilliant… bloody brilliant…” he said with a smile.

“I aim… cough… cough… to please, brah…”

“We better get a move on,” the Doctor said as he leaned down and placed Crunchy’s arm over his shoulder again. “I’m guessing all the noise and fire won’t go unnoticed…”

Crunchy simply nodded as the two moved in a gingerly pace past the tanker cars and towards the cargo cars.

After a bit of gingerly jogging, the Doctor suddenly spoke up, “Good.”

“What’s that?” Crunchy asked.

The Doctor chuckled. “I told you that I’d let you know if it was ‘good or bad’ that the tanker didn’t explode. Turns out it was good.”

“Why’s that… cough… brah?”

“We were still very close,” the Doctor said. His face turned serious. “Blast waves and fiery explosions are things best to experience from a distance.”

Crunchy chuckled. “I hear ya… huff… Talk about… puff… buzz kill, dude…”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 141 Dinky Vs. Androids

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 141 Dinky Vs. Androids

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 141 Dinky Vs. Androids

-ooooooo-

A woman with short graying blond hair strolled by yards protected by iron fences and small dogs that yapped at her as she passed.  Streetlights and the full moon above lit the sidewalk as she continued walking away from a large white RV. Despite the lateness of the night, the air was warm and she found her sleeveless green shirt worked well in the Southern California weather. The garment alone would have proven insufficient to hold back the chilly night air back at her home.

She had only gotten a few blocks away from the RV when she heard a melodic tone ring out. She reached into one of her blue jean pockets and pulled out a rectangular smartphone. Staring at it momentarily in disbelief, she pressed the screen and brought the device up to her ear.

“Junior!” Elise Sr. replied in a surprised tone. “What a coincidence. We were just in the area and we thought—”

“I know where you are…” Elise’s replied in a slightly cryptic tone. “Your location is something I keep a watchful eye on after that last incident.”

Elise Sr. pursed her lips slightly. “…Do ya mean the family cruise or when we were at the cabin?”

“Which one do you think came closer to messing up my life?”

Elise Sr. sighed. “The cabin then…”

“Bingo,” Elise replied. “However it’s convenient you brought up the family cruise incident.”

Elise Sr. paused for a moment. “… This isn’t a social call, is it?”

“No, it’s a business proposition.”

“Oh? Don’t tell me ya screwed up so bad you need your mom to bail you out of a jam instead of some government goons.”

“Hey!” Elise said in a protesting tone. “Work is going perfectly fine, thank-you-very-much. This isn’t about my job.”

“Then what?”

“Dan’s been kidnapped.”

Elise Sr. scrunched her brow. “… So you need me for what, exactly? Help bargaining his kidnappers up to a hefty amount they hand over so you’ll take him back?”

Elise sighed. “I wish, but Chris and Pinkie are pretty interested in Dan’s safe return and his kidnapper doesn’t want money…”

“Well, what do they want?”

“It seems he wants Dan and everyone he knows dead.”

Elise Sr. paused as she let this information sink in. “… Including Chris?”

Elise sighed. “He wants to kill me too, you know!”

Elise Sr. raised her free hand up defensively. “Alright, alright! I’m just… surprised you’d consider calling me for some extra muscle, Junior…”

“Don’t call me ‘Junior’!” Elise said in an irritated tone.  “Anyhow, this guy knew we’d help on Dan’s behalf, he counted on it even. Looks like he’s gone to some lengths to make sure he can handle us, but there’s a few things he didn’t count on.”

“Oh? Such as?”

“Well, Pinkie going completely psychotic for one…”

“You’d think if he spent some time shadowing the girl he’d know…”

 “Believe me, this is much worse than how she was at the cabin. We had the guy captured and Pinkie almost doused him in gasoline and set him on fire before she got any answers out of him.”

“Wait… Pinkie almost set him on fire?”

Elise sighed. “Yep…”

Elise Sr. paused. “… She is crazier than I thought!”

“I know…”

“Who’d have thought the girl had the guts to turn someone into a roman candle! I can use more of that crazy… Hey, you don’t think—”

“Mom! You are not going to conscript Pinkie into the mob!”

“Fine, fine… Wait… You had him and he got away?! How’d you let that happen?”

“Uh… He kinda turned into a werewolf,” Elise said.

Elise Sr. paused then sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “… The weird crud you kids get into…” she mumbled.

“Anyhow, I’m guessing he doesn’t know your profession. With your help we can probably tip the scales in our favor.”

Elise Sr. snorted. “Do you think you could afford me on a government salary? Maybe we could make a deal…”

“Mom! I’m married! I don’t care that you and dad dragged Cody with you! I’m not interested in any of my exes!”

“… Cody? But how did…” Elise Sr. sighed and began to scan the area around her, looking high and low. “You’re spying on us right now, aren’cha?”

“Can you blame me?!” Elise cried. “You two tried to kill my husband last time! I’m not leaving anything to chance!”

“Now Junior, don’t be that way… I mean… there was a chance Chris would have survived.”

“In a hole in the ground in the middle of the frozen Canadian Wilderness?!”

“He had a huge plate of bacon!” Elise Sr. exclaimed as she flung her free hand out. “He could have rationed it long enough to survive!”

“Mom! You and I both know Chris would have scarfed it all in a single sitting!”

“… Yeah… That’s part of the reason why your father and I want you to meet up with Cody… I mean, the man has three PhDs…”

“I know what Cody’s education is! He only talks about it every chance he gets! Look, money isn’t a problem. I’m sure Pinkie can provide plenty for your services.”

“Well, not that I’m upset that you included me. But are things really that bad you’d ask for me help? Not gonna beat around the bushes here…”—Elise Sr. paused to prod some hedges with her feet—“… you must be rather desperate to call me after what Don and I did…”

“I’m not taking any chances…” Elise replied. “We at least know this guy has a team of androids heck-bent on world domination working with him. We could run into a bunch of them. Heck, Dan’s ticked off a lot of people! Who knows who else he’s got helping him out!”

Elise Sr. paused. “… Junior, you really should consider moving back to the east coast, or at least out of L.A. It sounds so weird over there.”

“Mom! I’m not moving, alright! Look, I’m really busy trying to save my husband’s best friend and best friend’s boyfriend tonight and not die in the process! Are you going to help or not?”

“What’s the rush? Wouldn’t it be better to wait until this guy wasn’t going wolf-man on us?”

“This guy spent at least a month putting this thing together and fortunately we’ve shown it wasn’t enough for him to account for everything.  If we give him time to recover who knows what we’ll have to deal with… Also, I’m not sure how long we can all handle Pinkie the way she’s been acting for that long a time. I got her to see some reason over this whole thing, but she’s still angry. Who knows how bad things will get if this is dragged out.”

Elise Sr. paused again as she thought about this. “Alright, fine… I’ll do it on one condition.”

Elise sighed. “I’m not going to go on a date with Cody!”

Elise Sr. shook her head. “That’s alright, I just want you to talk to us again, Ju… Elise. I want us to be a family again…”

“Families don’t try to kill spouses of other family members, mom!”

“I know Elise… We…we crossed a line…”

“No mom! You and dad got on a speedboat and rode past the line, laughing the entire way! You didn’t even look back.”

“... Alright… I won’t push my luck that you need me for something but… Can you at least visit soon? At least for Ben’s sake? You can even bring Chris.”

“What? So you can have another attempt at having him ‘disappear’ so I fall for one of my egotistical exes?”

“We won’t try anything! I swear you won’t have to so much as talk to Don and I if we try something again.”

“… Promise?”

Elise Sr. smiled. “Cross my heart and hope to die…” She suddenly frowned and scanned the area again. “There’s not like… a gun pointed at me or anything at the moment, is there?”

“How long would it take you to get your suit and meet up with us?”

“I just need to come up with a quick excuse for the boys and put on the suit, it shouldn’t take long.”

 “Good,” Elise said, “I’ll forward you the address of the warehouse we’ll be meeting at. I’ll have payment ready in cash.”

“… And after this is over, you’ll consider taking a trip to visit us and at least spend some time with us since we came all the way here?”

There was a long pause on the line. “… Fine!” Elise said begrudgingly. “But I’m mostly going to your place because I haven’t seen Ben in a while! And stop bringing my exes around! It’s weird…”

“Alright Junior. I’ll meet up with you for this job then we can discuss family ties later. See you soon.”

“Yeah… see you soon…”  From a prone position amongst a few bushes, Elise shook her head as she pushed a button on the headset in her ear, sighed, and lowered her binoculars.

“Not on great terms with your parents, I take it?”

Elise looked down at the small compact mirror sitting on the ground next to her. From her library, Twilight Sparkle looked back at her with a slightly concerned look on her face.

Elise shook her head as she grabbed the compact mirror and stood up. She placed the binoculars into her black jacket and held the mirror in front of her. “She and my dad kind of tried to send Chris away to a distant country once and then almost got him killed once or twice…”

Twilight winced. “Geez… And I thought the questions regarding when I am going to have foals of my own were bad…”

Elise raised a hand to her head. “You’d think because they don’t like Chris I’d at least be spared from that, but no! They bug me about that, too!”

“So why’d you ask her to help?”

“Turns out mom and I are sort of on opposite sides of the law… We ended up going after the same target once while on a family cruise.”

Twilight winced. “That must have been an awkward revealing.”

Elise smiled. “Actually it was something of a nice bonding experience to find out my mom was on the FBI’s top most wanted. Anyhow… She wears a fully functional suit of power armor complete with a built-in arsenal. Should come in handy.”

Twilight shook her head. “Sounds like you don’t need me at all. I mean… It’s not like you don’t already have enough weapons of your own…” Twilight motioned out with a forehoof. “And I’m not sure I can generate a big enough blast without exploding either of these mirrors to make a difference…”

“Actually, if anything you might be able to help me keep Pinkie in check.”

Twilight frowned. “Is she really that bad?”

“You don’t want to know some of the stuff she’s done today.”

Twilight sighed. “I probably don’t…” She smiled again. “Alright, I’ll be on standby for Pinkie’s sake, if not anything else.”

Elise nodded. “Good, she needs all the support she can get at the moment. I hate to say it, but it seems that little maniac is vital to her happiness over here.”

Twilight sighed heavily. “Well, while since she’s still stuck over there, I guess we’ll just have to get him back…”

-ooooooo-

In the dim reflecting light of the railway car, Dinky held up a golf-ball-sized, chrome spherical object with little holes set evenly apart all over it. The object rattled slightly in her hand.

“Well, how about this one?” she asked as she handed the object to her mother.

D.H. frowned as she grabbed the sphere and shook it slightly. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Too damaged… Unless you have a full workshop in that backpack that is…”

Dinky giggled. “Mom! I’m not carrying that much stuff!”

“If you say so…” D.H. said. She glanced about the interior of the railway car. A baby blue blanket was set flat on the floor of the car with pieces of the E.D.G. laying open on top of it. Its satellite dish attachment was set next to the currently hollow pipe that composed the outer shell of the device. The handle was still attached to the shell and the interior, which was comprised of about a dozen of the chrome spheres arranged in two lines slightly juxtaposed from each other on a black plank, was set next to the hollow pipe. One of the spheres was removed from its spot and sitting next to the exposed innards of the device.

D.H. was slightly more focused on the blanket and the other items that had come out of her daughter’s modestly sized backpack. In addition to the blanket, these included the large grey flashlight/lamp/radio, a red toolbox that was even bigger than the combination device that now provided light, and a mish-mash of electronic devices with wires leading between them attached to a large metal cone. A cord and plug led from the assortment of electronic items and into a plug socket of a device roughly the size and shape of a car battery.

D.H. looked over all the items and then at the blue backpack, which was set next to Dinky. “How did you fit all this stuff inside that thing?”

Dinky giggled. “Daddy gave it to me! It’s bigger on the inside than it looks…”

D.H. let out a small giggle. “Heh… I’m sure…”

Dinky pointed at the parts of the E.D.G. “Will it still work without a few mini-generators?”

D.H. nodded. “Yes, but it’ll be a little slower before it fires. Also we’ll need to move a couple of the spheres u—”

‘Crunch. Crunch.’

D.H. and Dinky went quiet and tensed as they head the sound of footsteps against the gravel outside. They both held perfectly still and glanced at the railcar door, glancing at the metal cone that was pointed right where the railcar would open.

‘Crunch.’

Mother and daughter held their breath as the steps stopped right in front of the door.

The door began to shift.

Dinky suddenly dove for the mess of electronics and picked up a simple switch with a set of wires leading out of it and into the rest of the items.

 “Don’t worry, momma…” Dinky said with a smirk. “I’ll cook the android’s face right off!”

“Wait!” D.H. cried in a hushed tone. “What if it’s the Doctor or Crunchy?”

Dinky’s smile dropped and her finger hesitated as it hovered over the button.

The railway car door was suddenly thrown open revealing a muscled android with dark skin and a goatee. He stared up at D.H. with cold eyes and reached out for the mess of electronic devices in front of it.

“Watch out, Dinky!” D.H. cried. She suddenly dove for the tool box then threw it. It sailed through the air…

‘THUD!’

… and landed on the ground several feet from the android.

The android turned and stared at D.H.

Dinky hit the switch. The various electronic devices in front of her began to vibrate and hum. Suddenly the skin on the android’s face began to burn and flake away as sparks flew from its now exposed metal skull. It gritted its teeth as its head twitched violently. With a sudden twist of its neck, the android fell backwards. Gravel scattered about as the heavy mechanical body hit the ground.

“I got one!” Dinky said excitedly.

“We have to go!” D.H. cried as she reached for the flashlight. “There’s bound to be more.”

“Hey!”

“WHA!” D.H. and Dinky exclaimed. D.H. raised the flashlight as if she intended to chuck it at the sound of the voice.

“Whoa!” Becky threw her hands out in front of her to shield herself from a potential flashlight onslaught. “It’s cool! I’m here to help!”

D.H. sighed and slowly put the flashlight back down, relieved to see a friendly face...and someone dressed in the same outfit as her, for that matter.

Dinky giggled. “It’s not like momma has a great chance of hitting you anyways…”

D.H. turned to glower at her daughter. “Dinkuuuums…” she growled out in a warning tone.

“We got your message!” Becky said happily. She looked down at the fallen android at her feet. It continued to twitch a bit on the ground. “Though it looks like you’ve got a handle on things.” She adjusted the brown satchel that was slung across her chest and kneeled down. She placed the red toolbox upright and began placing tools back in it.

D.H. shook her head. “We got lucky. There’s a probably a few more of these androids looking for us.” She looked back up at Becky. “Is it just you?”

Becky stood up and placed the toolbox back in the railcar. “Ninja Dave is around. He’s investigating a fire we saw in the train yard.”

“I’m surprised he’d leave you alone,” D.H. said.

Becky shrugged. “It’s a Ninja thing… I’m not really the stealthy type.”

D.H. smiled. “Well, hopefully he finds my husband and Crunchy…”

Becky nodded at the various electronic devices spread across the railway car floor. “Looks like you guys are cooking up a secret weapon…”

“Repairing, more like,” D.H. said. She motioned to the pieces of her E.D.G. “My electronic discharge generator got banged up on the way over here. We’re trying to fix it.” She pointed at the other items. “And that’s…”

“That’s my HERF gun!” Dinky said excitedly.

“HERF gun?” Becky asked as she raised an eyebrow.

D.H. sighed. “Imagine if someone pulled apart a microwave and turned it into a weapon…”

Becky cringed. “Well I guess I know what happened to this android dude’s face…” She looked back up into the railway car. “So what’s the plan?”

D.H. pointed at the parts of her E.D.G. “We need to fix this. I don’t think any of us can do much against the androids up close—”

‘Crunch. Crunch.’

The girls tensed as they heard the sound of footsteps against gravel once more.

“Quick!” Becky said as she reached for the railway car door and began closing it.

“What are you doing?!” D.H. exclaimed in a hushed tone.

“I’ll distract them!” Becky said. “Just get that weapon ready!”

No sooner had Becky closed the railway car doors then two muscled androids jumped out from between two railway cars a couple cars away.

Becky looked over the two androids, a pale android with short brown hair and a handlebar moustache and a tan android with a close cropped beard and ponytail. She quickly unzipped her satchel and pulled out a loaded crossbow, raising it in front of her face.

“Hey! Over here!”

The androids paused as Becky took aim with her crossbow and fired.

‘FWHIP!’

‘THUNK!’

A wooden crossbow bolt caught the pale android right between the eyes. The bolt splintered as the fake skin at the bridge of the android’s nose tore before the projectile fell to the ground at the android’s feet.

The two androids looked down at the now blunted stick on the ground, then narrowed their eyes as they looked back up at Becky.

Becky sighed. “It was worth a shot,” she muttered. She turned and sprinted down past railway cars as the androids began pursuit.

-ooooooo-

Chris hovered pensively in the living room area of Dan and Pinkie’s apartment as he stared at Pinkie. Pinkie stood in front of the couple’s oven holding a pair of metal tongs. Heat poured from the appliance at such a temperature that Chris wasn’t sure how Pinkie could stand it, especially in the suit she was still wearing.

“Are you sure those sunglasses are suitable eye protection?” Chris asked.

“Yes, Chris… I’m sure!” Pinkie said, a red hot glow illuminating her sunglass-covered face. She rolled her eyes from behind the glasses. “What’s with all the questions!? You can’t seem to go more than a minute without asking if I’m hot, or if oven mitts are suitable blacksmithing gear, or if I’m going to accidentally burn down the apartment!”

Chris shook his head. “Well, I’m just a little unsure about using a kitchen oven for blacksmithing is all!”

“Dan does this like all the frickin’ time!”

“Well, Dan doesn’t exactly do a lot of things that are strictly safe…”

Pinkie threw the metal tongs on a cookie tray on top of the even next to some tools and her now silver-colored chef’s knife. She quickly wheeled on her heels and within several large steps she was inches away from Chris and glaring up at him. Chris swallowed as he felt the very real heat radiate off Pinkie’s body.

“I’m not stupid, Chris.”

Chris held his hands up in front of him. “I wasn’t…”

Pinkie took a half step back and flung her oven mitt-covered hands to her sides. “Okay… so maybe I’ve been known to do a thing or two that wasn’t what most people would call a ‘good idea’ or ‘well-thought-out’, but I know Dan does lots of things that aren’t safe!”

“Erm… Okay… I can see you know what you’re doing, so…”

Pinkie sighed and walked back to the blistering hot oven, picking up the metal tongs. She slowly placed them into the oven, grasped something with them, and began to pull the tongs and the item out.

The red glow turned orange as Pinkie raised metal tongs that held a thin glowing chain with thinner spiked teeth. The glow on the chain quickly waned from bright orange to silver before Pinkie set it next to her chef’s knife on the cookie tray. Pinkie closed the door to the oven and turned it off.

“Can… can I ask you something kind of personal?” Chris asked tentatively.

Pinkie took off an oven mitt, and then the other, placing them on the kitchen counter. “You want to know why I’m with Dan…” she said without looking up.

“Well… yeah… I mean… he’s my best friend and all, but… It’s just that living with him can’t be easy.”

Pinkie turned towards the front of the apartment and stared out a window. “Dan… Dan gets me…”

“Uh…Come again?”

Pinkie turned towards Chris and took of her sunglasses. “What’s the craziest thing you ever did on a whim…? You know… without Dan goading you into it?”

Chris thought for a second. “… I crashed a wedding just to get a slice of wedding cake.”

Pinkie blinked a few times. “… That’s it?”

Chris grinned sheepishly. “Well… I may have done that more than once… and maybe not just weddings… Turns out I stick out a bit at most quinceañeras… but what does…”

“What’s the craziest thing Dan’s done on a whim?”

“I…” Chris trailed off. “Wow… Do you want me to actually rank them? Because that could take a while…”

Pinkie smirked. “What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen me do?”

Chris pursed his lips slightly. “Well… I haven’t known you for as long as Dan…” Chris stared up at the ceiling and rubbed his chin. “But if I had to pick I… uh”—Chrislooked at Pinkie again—“would have to think about it and I think I see your point…”

Pinkie’s smirk turned into a smile.  “Dan knows what it’s like to get a crazy idea and just go through with it…”

“Like silver plating a chainsaw chain using a kitchen oven?” Chris suggested.

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, like that. To Dan, I’m not some crazy girl who needs to be looked after to make sure I don’t hurt myself or anyone else… Or ignored if I don’t make sense… He always understands there’s a method behind my… well, behind my ‘madness’…” Pinkie looked off into space as her smile widened slightly. “He understands there’s a reason behind everything I do… He…” A trickle of tears began to fall from Pinkie’s eyes. “He… choke…”

“Gets you?” Chris suggested.

Pinkie looked at Chris and nodded. “Yeah…” Pinkie quickly ran a sleeve over her moist cheeks. Her eyes drifted so she was once again staring into open space. “I have to get him back…” She looked at Chris. “How about you? Why are you best friends with Dan?”

Chris smiled. “Not a lot of people take notice of me, you know? Dan… I rescued him long ago when we were at summer camp together…”

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, Dan told me.”

“Well, Dan’s been a friend to me ever since. Whether it’s vengeance he wants or just someone to watch a zombie marathon with, he’s always thought of me…” Chris frowned heavily. “And… I know he doesn’t treat me as well as he could… but he doesn’t really treat anyone all that well… At least he seems to care about me… uh… most of the time…”

Pinkie took a few steps up to Chris and put a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll get him back.”

Chris nodded.

Pinkie turned and walked over the red easy chair in the living room and pulled up her large, red chainsaw that was sitting next to it. She walked it over to the kitchen area and set it on the counter next to a few tools and between the tray and the oven mitts.

Pinkie fiddled with the tools and the saw, taking off a compartment near the front. She then put the oven mitts back on and grabbed the silver-plated chain. She soon had the silver-plated teeth threaded onto the saw and the saw closed back up again. She picked up the chainsaw and held it up in front of her before turning to Chris. “You might want to step back.”

Chris walked behind the red couch and ducked behind it.

Pinkie placed her sunglasses back on, brought the chainsaw up to her face, and grabbed the pull handle with her teeth. She quickly pulled the chainsaw forward as she jerked back with her head. The chainsaw roared to life and flung a few errant bits of silver about.

‘Brum-brum-brum-brum-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!’

Pinkie let the chainsaw idle as she opened her mouth and allowed the pull handle’s string to bring it back into place. “Perfect…” Pinkie purred.

Chris popped his head up from behind the couch. “So uh… I thought we agreed we weren’t going to kill Dan’s look-alike-turned-wolf-man…”

Pinkie shrugged. “I’m sure he can survive with a sawed-off limb or two…” Pinkie let up her hand on the back of the chainsaw and the engine quieted and finally went silent.

‘Knock, knock.’

Chris walked over to the door and opened it.

“Hey beautiful…” Chris said happily as he saw his wife standing in the front of the doorway. He looked past her and did his bit to fight a frown. “Hey, Jean…”

“Hey, Chris!” Jean said excitedly. “I fixed up and grabbed everything I needed from my lab downstairs! I’ll be ready for wolf-men or robots or anything else we might come across!”

Elise smiled. “Jean’s going to tell me about all the stuff he's bringing on the way over. Isn’t that great?”

“Super…” Chris uttered.

Elise looked past Chris and into the apartment. “Ready to go?”

Pinkie smiled as she slung her pink bag over her shoulder and bent down to pick up a chainsaw case. “Ready!”

Mr. Mumbles slowly walked out of the couple’s bedroom. “Merow?” she mewed inquisitively as she looked up at Pinkie.

“Mr. Mumbles!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Do you want to help us rescue Dan from androids and a crazy wolf-man?”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles cried excitedly. She bounded up to Pinkie as Pinkie kneeled and extended her arm. Mr. Mumbles quickly climbed onto Pinkie’s shoulder.

Pinkie turned to the door, her eyes twitched and her teeth suddenly began to grind against each other. “Let’s go kill us a werewolf!”

Chris knitted his brow slightly. “Uh… Pinkie?”

Pinkie smiled. “After we rescue Dan, that is…”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 142 Pinkie Vs. The Antagonist of Episode 33 of Dan Vs.

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 142 Pinkie Vs. The Antagonist of Episode 33 of Dan Vs.

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 142 Pinkie Vs. The Antagonist of Episode 33 of Dan Vs.

-ooooooo-

One might believe that being a ninja is hard. Having to lurk in the shadows, stealing items from well-guarded rooms, and assassinating targets who are similarly well-guarded are all common tasks for a ninja which commonly end in death if even the tiniest detail is botched.

Ninja Dave, on the other hand, would probably tell you that being a Ninja is very, very easy. Targets and their guards almost never see you coming or even see you at all, even if they’re prepared for trouble. Sneaking becomes second nature once you do it enough times, and killing is no different.

No, being a ninja is not hard at all, Ninja Dave would tell you. He’d contend that it’s becoming a ninja that’s difficult. This task is what often gets many would-be shadow assassins and thieves killed, incarcerated, or even driven insane once they have blood on their hands. Becoming a ninja is a process that bends, shapes, and remolds some and breaks many.

However, hiding in the shadows with a blow dart at the ready, Ninja Dave rarely concerned himself with such things anymore. Even before he technically became an ‘ex-ninja’, his life as a Ninja had become rather easy. And even assignments that looked dangerous on paper turned out to be something of a cake-walk to him in practice. He was simply one of the best in the art of stealth, stealing, assassination, and even close combat when required.

Sneaking into a train depot at night and taking out a handful of androids that didn’t even know he was coming didn’t even come close to the most dangerous-sounding mission he had been tasked with in his mind. Didn’t even crack the top ten, in fact.

Crouching on the link between two railway cars, Dave listened and waited for a potential target to pass. From his position he could only see the cars on the rail across from him, but the spot he was in was not picked for the view to begin with.

Finding a good hiding spot and being able to sit there were also key skills of a ninja. The difficulty of keeping nearly completely still and monotony of the task was yet another thing that rooted out many potential ninja. Even after a short time of keeping still, one is usually compelled to move even slightly. Said movement could get one noticed, and possibly killed.

However, this was just one more skill that Dave had mastered. So he simply sat and waited…

…and waited…

…

…and waited some more.

…

‘Crunch.’

Dave fought back the urge to smile. This is almost too easy…

‘Crunch. Crunch.’

Ever so slowly, he raised his blow dart as the sound of feet crunching against gravel grew closer.

 A dark-skinned android with a closely cropped black beard and shaved head suddenly came into view as it walked between the lines of the railway cars.

Ninja Dave made a slight adjustment with his blowgun and blew a gust of air that sent the small dart inside sailing towards the android’s neck.

Dave finally cracked a smile as the dart made contact. This is the part where you fall down…

The android flinched slightly, reached for the dart, and pulled it out. It glared at the dart in its hand before crushing it, and looked up and began to scan the area around it.

Dave slowly lowered his blow gun and frowned. Right… Android… That was kind of stupid… He began to slowly feel around his coat.  I must have something a little more substantial to take out an android… Uh… shurikens… smoke bombs… Dave frowned as he looked at his ninjatō. He doubted its ability to cut far into metal. People… Why couldn’t it have been people I needed to fight?

‘Crunch.’

Dave paused and shifted his head ever so slightly, listening behind him.

‘Crunch.’

Great… Now there’s one coming up behind me too…

Dave quickly turned for a small chrome ladder that went up the side of one of the cars and began climbing upwards as quietly as possible. He knew the movement could easily get him spotted, but he felt he had little choice at this point but to risk it.

In a couple of seconds, Dave was on top of a train car with his body pressed flat against the top. If either of the androids below had seen him, they made no indication.

Dave smiled again. Still easy…

“Hello flesh sack,” a monotone feminine voice said.

Dave suddenly sprung to his feet and turned to see a well-toned copy of Elise standing on the railcar right across from him. He sighed. “Okay, now that’s just unfair…”

As the androids below began to close in on his position, Ninja Dave suddenly remembered something a good ninja should always keep in mind: sometimes being a ninja is very, very hard.

-ooooooo-

Streetlights passed over the blue sedan as it sped on to its next destination. Chris anxiously stared forward as he drove. Though he kept his eyes on the road, his mind was on matters other than the traffic around him. For one, he couldn’t help but listen in on the conversation happening in the backseat of the car.

Chris quickly glanced to his right to see the now familiar sight of Pinkie in a business suit with Mr. Mumbles curled on her lap. For a welcome change, Pinkie absentmindedly stroked Mr. Mumbles as she stared out her window, apparently lost in thought as opposed to stewing with rage.

Though he was slightly less concerned about Pinkie, despite the fact that she had loaded a large chainsaw case into his car not more than fifteen minutes prior. However, the animated conversation going on between his wife and Dr. Jean Splicer still had him worried. The two continued to smile happily as they used words he had never even heard before.

Despite the fact that they were heading to what was assuredly certain danger, Chris wished more than anything that the car ride would finally be over. Which was convenient…

“We’re here,” Chris announced.

…because it was.

Chris pulled the blue sedan into a parking space and turned off the headlights and engine.

Pinkie held onto Mr. Mumbles as the group exited the car. They scanned the lines of identical massive warehouses and tall light poles that casted pale light on the concrete below. Past the warehouses, the group could see a concrete dock heading out into the ocean.

Jean squinted slightly as if searching for something. “Didn’t you say some help would meet us here?”

Chris’s face tightened slightly, making his already worried expression turn more anxious. “I’m just wondering why no one else from the bakery has made it here yet.”

Pinkie shook her head. “Whatever! I’m sure they’ll catch up! We need to get our feet heading in Dan-ward direction. He’s not getting any less not rescued with us standing around like this!”

“Wow, that impatient are we?” a feminine voice called out.

The group looked on as the owner of the voice stepped out from behind a warehouse and into view. The light reflected off her smooth, form fitting black-and-chrome body armor and helmet. With the addition of the helmet with its black visor and a triangular antenna on the right side, the armor covered almost every part of the woman’s body. Only her full, pink lips and chin were still visible.

Chris looked at the power-armor wearing individual with a startled look on his face.

Jean, on the other hand, smiled slightly as he scanned the armor up and down with interest.

Pinkie simply looked bored and unimpressed.

Elise motioned out to the woman. “Everyone, I present one of the world’s deadliest assassins, the Lady.”

“Uh… hi…” Chris said.

“Charmed!” Jean said happily.

“Great! Awesome-possum!” Pinkie said as she rolled her eyes. “Can we go now?”

“Meow,” Mr. Mumbles mewed.

The Lady tilted her head slightly and smirked at Elise. “See… the stealthy stuff is not so hard.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Right, like you arriving ahead of us and standing behind a building is really showing superior sneaking ability.”

“Wait…” Chris said. “Isn’t that the power-armored woman who fought a female ninja on the family cruise we took with your parents?! How do you even—”

Elise quickly turned towards Chris, raising a hand over her forehead and the other over her nose and mouth.

“Oooooooh~!” Chris said as realization dawned on him. “But then—”

Elise cut Chris off with a wave. “Let’s just say we came to an understanding.”

The Lady spoke up, “In this specific case, a case full of money. Did you bring it?”

 “Don’t worry your payment is right—”

“Enough with this stupid cloak and dagger stuff!” Pinkie shrieked irritably. “Chris, open the trunk!”

“Gha!” Chris exclaimed as he hurried to the trunk of the blue sedan, inserted a key into the lock in the back, and turned it. Pinkie walked up as the trunk popped open. She bent down and came back up with a shiny, metal briefcase that she lobbed at the Lady.

The Lady casually lifted an arm and plucked the case from the air as it flew towards her. She seemed to gaze at it intently through her visor and then smiled. “Perfect…”

Elise furrowed her brow slightly. “Aren’t you going to open it?”

The Lady shook her head. “No need, my suit confirmed there’s plenty there.” She handed the case to Elise. “Here, I’ll collect later.”

Elise looked mildly surprised as she grabbed the case. “Really? You don’t want it now?”

The Lady tilted her head slightly. “Does it look like I have somewhere to put that? Besides…” The Lady trailed off slightly as a mischievous grin appeared on her face. “… I know where you live.”

Chris tensed. “Well that’s unnerving…”

Elise shook her head. “It’s not as big a deal as you think…”

The Lady smiled. “Well, now that that’s taken care of, let’s take care of this little wolf-man problem of yours and then maybe we can detail out the other part of the bargain.”

Elise rolled her eyes.

‘Thom.’

The group paused as the sound of distant rumbling sounded out.

“What was that?” Chris asked.

Elise shrugged. “microquake?”

The Lady turned towards Elise. “You actually get those here?”

Elise shook her head. “Not usually, but we do get earthquakes…”

‘Thom.’

The group paused and tilted their head slightly as they heard the sound again.

“Do they usually repeat like that?” The Lady asked.

‘Thom.’

“…And get closer?” she added.

“Anyone have a cup I can borrow?” Pinkie asked. “I’d get one myself but my hair is all flat,” she added as if the explanation was perfectly sensible.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Okay… For starters, why would anyone—”

Jean reached into his lab coat and pulled out a small plastic red measuring cup.

Chris sighed. “Never mind…”

“Here you go, Pinkie,” Jean said as he handed Pinkie the cup.

“Great!” Pinkie said as she. “Now I need some water.”

‘Thom.’

“Here,” the lady said holding out her arm. She tilted her hand upwards and with an electronic ‘whir’ a small compartment opened underneath it. A small nozzle popped out water began to pour out, filling the cup.

“That’s good,” Pinkie said once the cup was a little over halfway full.

The Lady lowered her hand and the nozzle retracted back into her suit.

‘Thom.’

Pinkie gently set the cup on the ground and stared at it as Mr. Mumbles bounded off from her shoulders and landed next to the cup. She also stared at the cup and its contents closely.

“What are you doing?” Chris asked.

Pinkie looked up with an irritated expression. “Checking if that sound is coming from a dinosaur.”

‘Thom.’

Pinkie let out an irritated “Grrrrrrrr!” as she stared back down at the cup. “Great! Missed it!”

The rest of the group looked at each other in confusion.

“Uh… Pinkie?” Elise began. “I don’t think it’s a dinosaur… They’re extinct…”

“Mostly,” Chris said.

“Right, mostly…” Elise said.

Pinkie raised her finger up to her mouth.“Shhhhhhh!”

‘Thom.’

Everyone went quiet and simply stared at the cup on the ground.

‘Thom.’

The water rippled out from the center in the cup in a series of perfect circles.

Pinkie suddenly stood up. “Yep. It’s a dinosaur.”

The Lady shook her head. “You can’t possible expect us to believe—”

‘THOM!’

“RRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!”

The group collectively jumped and turned with the exception of Pinkie who rolled her eyes. Mr. Mumbles quickly scrambled back up Pinkie and up onto a shoulder.

A large, green Tyrannosaurus-rex bounded up from behind one of the large warehouses. A gold tag around its neck bounced up and down as the ground shook with every step it took closer.

‘Thom, Thom, Thom, Thom…’

“What do we do?!” Chris exclaimed.

Elise reached into her jacket and clamped a fist around something, pulling it out. “RUN!” she cried as she tossed something on the ground. With a ‘Pop!’ smoke suddenly billowed out in all directions.

The large T-Rex paused and even seemed to cough as smoke filled its nostrils.

 The group quickly ran and hid behind the nearest warehouse.

“Seriously! A Dinosaur?!” the Lady said in a hushed but forceful tone. “How do you people live like this?”

Elise narrowed her eyes slightly. “Well it’s not like dinosaurs show up all the time.”

Chris spoke up, “No, sometimes it’s wolf-men, or evil androids, or a mummy… or all those things at once!”

“Hey!” Elise protested. “We don’t know if the or even a mummy is involved!”

Chris sighed. “Fine… but I still wish my life had far fewer massive animals that may or may not fire radioactive beams from their eyes.”

Jean grinned sheepishly. “Oh… sorry…” he said through clenched teeth.

Pinkie just stood with a sullen expression on her face while Mr. Mumbles held on tightly to her shoulder, shaking slightly.

Elise peered around the corner and peered at the -tag dangling from a collar. “It’s… it’s Tyra!” she exclaimed.

“Tyra?” Chris asked.

“You know the dinosaur that ate you!”

Jean and the Lady turned to look at Chris in disbelief.

“What?!” the Lady exclaimed. “You got eaten by a dinosaur and lived?! That is so unfa—”

Elise shot the Lady a glare.

“… I mean… How did you do it?”

“Yes!” Jean exclaimed. “You must tell me! I’d love to study that thing from the inside while it was still alive!”

Chris smiled. “It swallowed me whole while I was wearing an old-fashion deep diving suit! I managed to pass right through the entire thing!”

The Lady cringed. “That is the worst thing I have heard, ever.”

“Oh you’re one to complain! I actually found him right after he got out!”

“… Fascinating!” Jean said with an earnest smile.

Elise frowned as she shifted her eyes back towards the dinosaur. “Wait… She’s coming this way!”

Pinkie sighed and smacked a palm against her face. “Do you think maybe carrying a conversation a few dozen yards from the dinosaur was a bad idea?!”

“Merrow!” Mr. Mumbled mewed in agreement.

“We better move!” Elise said. “Armed to the teeth as we are, I’m not sure we can take out a dinosaur!”

Jean quickly thrust a hand into his jacket. “Wait! It’s big but I just might—”

Pinkie suddenly pried Mr. Mumbles off her shoulders, and thrust the cat into Chris arms.

“MERRRROWWWOERROOOWROOOOW!”

“WHOAAAA!” Chris exclaimed as Mr. Mumbles immediately began angrily clawing at him.

“Pinkie what are you doing?!” Elise cried.

Everyone looked on as Pinkie angrily stormed up to the T-Rex. “I got this, alright?” Pinkie shouted back.

“WHAT?!” Elise cried. “Pinkie! It’s a giant meat eating dinosaur!”

“And it looks angry,” Chris added.

“Yeah? Well I’m angrier,” Pinkie shot back.

Tyra leaned her head and body down as Pinkie approached, suddenly opening her mouth wide and letting out a mighty roar completely with threads of saliva which flew out her gaping maw.

Pinkie just sighed heavily and shook her head before she glared up into open space “Seriously? The dinosaur from episode 33? Don’t tell me you have the shark from episode 11 stashed away somewhere, too!”

…

“OH my gosh! You do! You totally do!”

You can’t prove that!

“See! You didn’t even deny it!”

Tyra paused and lifted her head. She stared down at Pinkie’s sudden unexpected behavior of staring up at the sky and yelling at it… like a crazy person.

“I’M NOT JUST YELLING AT THE SKY AND YOU KNOW IT!” Pinkie shrieked.

Shut up, alright? I have to keep describing what’s going on or the readers are going to wonder what everyone around you is doing!

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “They’re all staring at me like I’ve finally lost my mind like they always do when I argue with you!”

The Lady smirked slightly. “Well, she’s crazier than a buncha cats tied together, but she’s certainly got our number.”

Chris frowned. “I’m not sure what’s more unnerving… That Pinkie is doing this, or that she’s cognitive that it looks weird to other people.”

“Cognizant,” Jean said.

Elise chuckled as she held Mr. Mumbles in one hand and stroked her with the other. “I was just about to say that!”

Chris frowned. “What?”

“You said, ‘cognitive’,” Jean replied holding up an index finger. “Which is more denoting that she’s capable of intellectual activity such as reasoning. The word you meant to say was ‘cognizant’, which denotes more of an awareness about something.”

Chris sighed. “Thanks, I’ll remember that.”

Jean smiled happily. “Anytime!”

The Lady smiled at Jean. “You seem rather bright… Can I ask what you do?”

Jean smiled. “Oh, I’m a doctor.”

“A tall doctor, you say?”

“Hey!” Chris protested. “I’m plenty… tall!”

The Lady turned and glared at Chris. “And plenty goofy, too!”

“Now that’s just unkind!” Chris exclaimed.

“Not now!” Elise hissed out through clenched teeth.

A few yards away, Pinkie continued to argue with the sky like the clearly insane pony-person she was.

“I… SHUT UP!”  Pinkie cried indignantly. “Look! If you want to talk insane we can discuss some of your strange writing habits!”

Uh… There’s probably a few… Which one did you want to harp on first?

“Oh, I don’t know… Like how you think you need to insert every Dan Vs. character into the story?!”

Not every character…

“CLOSE ENOUGH!”  Pinkie shouted up. “EVERYONE GETS IT, ALRIGHT! YOU LIKE THE SHOW! DOESN’T MEAN YOU NEED TO USE EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER THAT’S EVER BEEN IN IT!”

No, but I’m doing pretty well so far.

Pinkie shot a look of angry frustration up at the sky and let out a high-pitched “GRRRRRRRRRRR!”

Uh… Look… I’ve got like… a ridiculous amount of characters I still need to get to in this arc so I’ll cut you some slack. Just like… throw a bottle of hot sauce at Tyra and she’ll run off.

“Seriously?” Pinkie said, her expression softening quite a bit. “I mean… Not that I’m complaining, but you don’t have like… some massive fight planned out set to music for this?”

There’s like a whole bunch of stuff already going on and more I need to get to some arc! What? Am I supposed to just come up with some sort of epic chainsaw battle set to Blue Oyster Cult’s Godzilla or something… Wait that sounds kind of cool…

Pinkie quickly raised her hands in the air and waved them back and forth. “No wait! Forget I said anything! Here…” Pinkie reached into her jacket and pulled out a small bottle full of some bright orange liquid.

Trya looked perplexed for a second before Pinkie lobbed the bottle her. The bottle shattered on impact against the dinosaur’s snout and broke.  Tyra’s first impulse was to roar angrily at Pinkie, her second was to sneeze.

Pinkie merely looked up angrily as her face was sprayed with thick mucus. “Really? Was that really necessary?”

This was soon followed by Tyra looking rather panicked as she lowered her head slightly and feebly waved her tiny arms about as if they had a chance of reaching her snout or the orange liquid dripping into her nostrils.

The rest of the group looked on in shock as the dinosaur turned and bolted down the line of warehouses, the thunderous impacts of its feet against the ground getting quieter as it fled full speed away from them.

Pinkie turned and scowled at everyone else. “Are you all done being useless?!”

Elise narrowed her eyes slightly. “Point of order, I threw the smoke bomb.”

Pinkie sighed as she trudged up to the group. “Fine, whatever!” She said as she collected her bag, chainsaw, and cat. “Let’s just move on so we can deal with the next weird thing dredged from a random episode!”

The group exchanged a few glances and shrugged before leaving their hiding spot and falling in line with Pinkie.

-oooooo-

Aaaaaand we’re back! Mostly! Probably… Details posted on my blog.

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 143 A Bunch of People Vs. Androids

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 143 A Bunch of People Vs. Androids

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 143 A Bunch of People Vs. Androids

-ooooooo-

The full moon hung high in the almost cloudless sky and cast a pale light over the City of Angels. Not that a great deal of the city really needed it; even very late it was often fairly well-lit. However the metropolitan area was vast, and there were darker places at the edges where only a few scattered light poles shed illumination on the area around them. Some spots had no electronic light to speak off.

It was in one such dimly lit place that a beast quietly crept through the night, the moonlight shimmering off its brown coat. It approached a large warehouse. Though there was some light coming from the windows, the windows themselves had their shades drawn and only a few scattered light poles around the warehouse provided any light beyond what the moon offered. As the beast approached the warehouse, it reached a long arm that ended in lethal looking claws towards a door. It grasped and slowly turned the knob of the door and pushed it open. Slowly, it exited the light of the moon and entered into the fluorescent glow inside.

Sitting in a wooden chair inside, a blond-haired woman looked towards the opening door and screamed.

“Would you calm the shell down?!” Sunset Shimmer cried from her own chair across from the woman. “It’s just Asterisk!”

Helen looked back at Sunset as the red-and-yellow haired woman fixed her with yet another irritated glance. Sunset seemed to be practically made out of misery. Though Helen still wasn’t sure if that was the girl’s default mood or if she simply wasn’t a fan of being stuck in a warehouse with little to do for long periods of time.

“He’s a wolf-man?!” Helen exclaimed.

“Well… Obviously!” Sunset replied. “I mean, this is the first time I’ve seen his wolf-man form, but he’s still wearing his shoes and some ripped up jeans!”

Dan* stopped and took a quick look up at his prisoner, who continued to hang from his shackles with a distant, goofy expression on his face. Satisfied his prey was still stuck, he wandered over to a crate where a small white board and some markers waited for him.

 “Wait…” Helen said. “It’s the first time you’ve seen him as a wolf-man and you didn’t even react?”

Sunset shrugged. “I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff this past few weeks. And I kinda already knew he was a wolf-man.”

“How?!”

“He hinted pretty heavily at something like that when we first met.”

“…Oh…”

Dan* held up the whiteboard for the women to see. Both girls squinted at the board. The writing was messy and smudged, but Sunset Shimmer managed to make out ‘Where’s Pullman?’

“He got into position,” Sunset answered. She pointed towards Dan with a thumb. “After he pumped even more drugs into your little friend here.” Sunset sighed. “He’s great fun if you like watching people stare at your hands in wonderment for long stretches of time.”

Dan* nodded as he gave a growl of affirmation. He then lumbered off into a darkened corner of the warehouse.

“Lady…” Dan uttered. “Has anyone told you your hair is like a ketchup and mustard river?”

Sunset’s face contorted in confusion. “I’m not sure how to take that one…”

Helen also stared at Sunset’s hair. “What look were you going for anyway? I mean, he’s on to something with the condiment hair question.”

“Pup you!” Sunset cried. “My hair is awesome!”

“RRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!”

“What was that?!” Helen cried as she jumped to her feet. Whatever it was, it was loud enough to shake the entire warehouse.

“Just the dinosaur,” Sunset answered in a bored tone.

Helen turned and raised an eyebrow at Sunset. “We have a dinosaur?”

Sunset nodded. “Yeah, Asterisk did some research on the dinosaur that terrorized L.A. a while back and figured out it ended up in South America… Don’t ask me how the pup he managed to get it back here.”

Helen folded her arms across her chest and glared out at the far wall. “No one tells me anything!”

“Probably because you’re an utterly unimportant finch,” Sunset quipped.

Helen glared at Sunset. “‘Finch’ better not be a replacement word for what I think it is!”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “What the shell are you even talking about?”

Helen just sighed and shook her head. “Just watch me take out that evil pink-haired girl, then we’ll see who’s useless.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure that’ll show me a thing or two…”

“It’s Tyra!” Dan said in an oddly chipper voice as his head lolled from side to side. “Hi, Tyra!”

Sunset shot Dan an irritated glance. “She can’t hear you, she’s outside… probably eating your friends as we speak…”

“Oh…” Dan said frowning slightly. His frown suddenly turned back into a goofy grin. “Well if it’s anything like last time, eating my friends won’t actually hurt them.”

Sunset stared blankly at Dan. “… What?”

Helen shook her head. “Forget it, he’s high as a kite.”

Sunset sighed. “Yeah… Well… at least it’ll be show time soon.”

Helen suddenly looked up at Sunset with an oddly hopeful, if crazed look. “So… about what we talked about earlier…”

Sunset let out an annoyed groan. “I can’t believe how much I hate you!”

Helen’s face lit up. “That’s the spirit!”

“Seriously!” Dan said. “I just want to make a raft out of hotdogs and go rafting in your hair!”

-ooo-

In another part of town, the full moon provided its light to another scene entirely, illuminating a train yard just enough that one could navigate it without crashing headlong into something.

In Becky’s case, this was good as she found herself moving as fast as her legs would carry her against the gravel that shifted under her expensive black loafers. Her shadow was cast long in front of her as she sprinted, almost as if she was trying to catch it. That is, of course, unless one considered the shadows gaining on her. Two shadows which belonged to two androids. With them steadily gaining on Becky, it looked more like she was trying to escape the darkness the androids created.

Why did they have to be robots? Becky wondered to herself. They couldn’t have been something softer like regular humans… Or even vampires.Heck… I bet I have enough silver to even take out a werewolf if I ran into one.

Becky reached the end of the line of train cars and circled around. Her android pursuers did the same. For about the dozenth time, Becky took stock of her weapons. A crossbow with plenty of bolts, a few wooden stakes, and a straight-razor. None of which seemed particularly useful when dealing with an enemy mechanical in nature.

The burning sensation in Becky’s legs verged on becoming unbearable. She continually gasped for air as if there wasn’t enough around her. Still, she continued forward as if her life depended on it. For all she knew, it very well did. She didn’t look back; she could hear the sound of gravel being trodden underfoot grow closer and closer. With one last burst of energy, she attempted to sprint back up to full speed.

“WHA!” Becky cried as she slipped on the gravel.

‘Crrrcchchc..’

She closed her eyes as she fell to the ground shoulder first and slid a few feet. When she stopped sliding she took a couple deep breaths and pushed herself to a kneeling position.

“Well, this one certainly has a lot of energy,” the tan android with the close-cropped beard and ponytail quipped.

Becky looked up to see the androids standing not more than a few yards from her. She swallowed as she continued her labored breathing.

The pale android with a short brown hair and a handlebar mustache nodded. “She’ll make an excellent battery.”

Becky quickly dove an arm into her satchel, ignoring the new pain that shot through her shoulder. She pulled out another crossbow bolt and attempted to frantically load it.

The androids simply paused and watched her.

Becky managed to get the bolt into place, and turned around. She tried to take aim but her hands were shaking and sweat had fallen into her eyes, stinging them and making it difficult to focus.

The tan android smirked. “You only have one more shot. Better make it count.”

‘Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…’

“Oh, we intend to.”

The androids turned as Becky looked past them to see D.H. holding up her E.D.G. The trigger switch had been pressed and the humming from the device slowly grew in volume. Dinky stood to the side of the weapon with her hands on the long tube, helping aim the weapon at the tan android.

‘…MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!’

The tan android suddenly jumped and Dinky quickly shifted the weapon. Not to follow the tan android, but to fire on the pale android.

‘SCHHHHOOORCH!’

An arc of electricity fired from the antenna and dish in front of the E.D.G., briefly illuminating the train cars and gravel before slamming into the chest of the android. The android’s entire body went into a violent spasm as its chest expanded with a hiss. With a fiery ‘pop’, it collapsed to the ground.

The tan android broke into a sprint towards mother and daughter.

Becky took a shot with her crossbow.

‘Thwip!’

‘Thunk!’

The bolt hit the android’s back, then fell uselessly to the gravel below. Becky scowled at the bolt in frustration, but loaded another anyways.

As the android neared its targets, Dinky reached into her pocket at the front of her purple hoodie and pulled out a simple cylindrical object with a red button on the top. She depressed the button with her thumb.

The android heard another hum as it noticed a metal cone out of the corner of its eye. The cone was set on top of a mishmash of electronics, which in turn were stacked on the links between the two train cars.  The android’s vision turned to static and sparks flew from its face. It fell forward towards its targets, throwing its hands up to catch them, or at least itself, as it fell. Its vision cleared just long enough for it to see something black and round quickly place itself between it and the ground. The android suddenly felt something firm collided with its head.

Its systems ceased recovering and started to error once more as a cascade of tremors ran through the android’s body. It hit the ground and twitched with a speed so rapid that it literally began to fall apart.

Soon the android was little more than a pile of broken pieces held inside a lumpy membrane of synthetic flesh.

“You got it, mamma!” Dinky said excitedly.

D.H. rubbed her behind and winced slightly. “Still not sure how I feel about that actually working.”

Becky looked up at her in disbelief. “Don’t tell me you figured out how to use your butt as a weapon!”

Dinky snorted as she stifled a giggle.

D.H. looked up and glared at Becky. “It was a last resort, okay? My E.D.G. wasn’t going to charge in time, so we set up a plan ‘b’!”

Dinky erupted in laughter. “Hahahaha, plan ‘b’!”

“Pfffft…” Becky suddenly joined in the laughter. “Ahahahahaha…!”

D.H.’s face turned crimson. “It’s not funny!”

Dinky controlled her laughter just long enough to respond to her mother. “... Hahahahahehehe… Yes it is! Butt starts with ‘b’! Ahahahahahahaha...!”

“I get it, Dinkums!” D.H. said indignantly.

Becky shook her head. “Hehehehe… Don’t worry about it! The important thing is you two managed to take out all the androids.”

Without warning, a dark-skinned android devoid of any hair leapt from between two train cars and snatched Dinky up into its grasp.

“Momma!” Dinky said in a distressed tone.

D.H. shot a quick glare at Becky as if attempting to say ‘You just had to open you big mouth,’ with her face.

Becky raised her eyebrows and puffed out her lower lip as if attempting to say ‘How was I supposed to know the universe had a vendetta against people who tempt fate?’ with her face.

Dinky clawed, scratched, bit, and tried to wiggle free, but it was to no avail. The android held fast onto her as it glared at D.H.

“Throw away your weapon, or I squeeze this tiny sack of organs,” the android threatened.

“O-okay…” D.H. stuttered as she tossed the E.D.G. without a second thought. “Just don’t hurt her!”

The android turned towards Becky and opened its mouth to speak.

Becky pulled the trigger on her crossbow, and with a ‘thwip!’ the bolt sailed forward and caught the android in the eye.

There was a satisfying sound ‘crunch’ as the androids head jerked backwards. It stood upright, still holding onto Dinky who continued to kick and struggle in the android’s vice-like grip.

“Got it!” Becky exclaimed.

“What the heck?!” D.H. cried. “Are you out of your mind?!”

“WHAT?!” Becky protested. “I got it!”

“He was threatening my daughter!” D.H. exclaimed. “Using her as a human shield even!”

“Yeah, in front of his chest!” Becky said. “Hence why I aimed for his eye!” she said as she pointed at her own eyes with the index and middle finger of her free hand.

“So?!” D.H. exclaimed. “What if you missed and hit Dinky in the face… or the heart even!”

Still attempting to wiggle out of the android’s grip, Dinky scoffed. “Pffft… Whatever… I have two of those!”

D.H. turned and glared at her daughter with one eye, the other staring off into the distance somewhere. “Stay out of this!”

“Look,” Becky said, “every time the bad guy holds someone hostage, you’re supposed to shoot anyways! When the good guys put down their weapons, the bad guy usually just goes back on his word anyhow! That’s why they’re the bad guy!”

D.H. turned to scowl as best she could at Becky. “Hey! When it’s your daughter in the grip of the cybernetic machine bent on world domination, let’s see how you feel.”

Becky opened her mouth to respond, but froze as the android’s head slowly lowered. She quickly dove a hand into her satchel and pulled out another crossbow bolt.

D.H. froze as panic gripped her face like a dog that had no intentions of letting go.

The android tilted its head downward and glared at Becky with its one working eye. It suddenly tossed Dinky towards D.H. With a startled yelp, Dinky collided with her mother and both went tumbling to the gravel below.

Becky quickly took aim and fired as the android closed the distance between them.

‘Thwip!’

‘Crunch!’

Becky gave the android another bolt to match the first. Both eyes were now replaced by a bit of wood with fletching at the end sticking straight out of the android’s eye sockets.

The android sprinted forward regardless.

Becky dove as the blind android came upon her. They found their legs tangling together as they hit the ground. Becky threw her hands in front of her as she collided with the gravel. The android fell face forward and the cross-bow bolts in its eye sockets snapped as they hit the ground.

“Ow, ow, frickin’ ow!” Becky cried as she quickly got into a sitting position and rubbed her now injured shin.

The android stood up, sparks shooting from its eye sockets.

“Oh, come on!” Becky cried. She turned towards D.H. “Go hit it with your butt!”

Dinky giggled as she stood up.

“Excuse me?!” D.H. exclaimed as she rose to her feet.

“That’s how you got the last one!”

“That was a carefully calculated defensive maneuver!” D.H. shot back. “I don’t run around attacking things with my butt all the time!”

Dinky’s giggle turned into full blown laughter as she collapsed on the ground.

“Dinkums!” D.H. said in a chastising tone. “Now is not the time!”

The android’s right shoulder twitched up once, then a second time. It suddenly threw its forearms out to its sides, then collapsed on the ground and began twitching.

The three girls paused and simply watched the android for a bit as it continued to simply spasm on the ground.

“Huh…” Becky muttered. “One of my crossbow bolts must have hit something important when the android fell…”

The girls stood and stared for a moment more before D.H walked over towards Becky and extended her hand.

Becky smiled and took the offered appendage as D.H. helped her up.

“Thanks for saving us both back there,” D.H. said with a smile. She shook her head. “Sorry I gave you such a hard time.”

Becky shrugged. “No worries. I’m just glad everyone’s safe.”

D.H. frowned. “… Assuming my husband’s fine… and Crunchy...”

Becky suddenly put on a frown that mirrored D.H.’s. “And my boyfriend…”

D.H. looked around frantically. One of her eyes settled on the long, cylindrical-shaped weapon she had tossed earlier. She rushed over to it and picked it up. To her chagrin, a rattling sound accompanied the action.

“What do we do?!” D.H. cried as she turned back towards Becky. “My gun’s all smashed up… again!”

Becky frowned. “I guess I can hope any more androids we might run into stand still so I can shoot them in the eyes…”

“I still have my HERF gun!” Dinky said cheerily as she motioned to the mass of electronics heaped on the link between two train cars.

The two women turned, looked at Dinky who gave them a dazzling smile, then looked at her mish-mash of electronics all hooked up to a battery. They sighed.

“It’s better than nothing, I guess…” D.H. said as she shook her head.

Becky smiled. “Hey! We just took out three androids! My boyfriend is a ninja… or ex-ninja… I’m sure this will be a cake-walk for him!”

-ooo-

As the two androids below began to climb up to the top of the train car Ninja Dave was standing on, he silently wished for something more akin to his old ninja jobs. Why couldn’t be a routine theft or assassination? Those were a cake-walk compared to fighting robots.

The Elise android stood just at the edge of the other car and stared at Dave with an eerily cheerful smile on its face.

Dave quickly weighed his options as the dark-skinned android with the close-cropped beard and an olive-skinned android made their way up. I could tryto fight them off… But I’m a ninja, so… Dave simply broke into a sprint down the train car away from the trio of androids.

The Elise android suddenly bent down into a crouch then pressed off with all its limbs. It sailed over Ninja Dave’s head and landed in front of him with a responding ‘CLOOONG!’ as the heavy android made contact with the train car.

Dave eye’s widened as the Elise android slowly stood back to her feet and turned. Didn’t think she could jump like that, the other two certainly don’t seem to have the ability to do that… Maybe this one is modeled after the real Elise.

“Going somewhere?” the Elise android asked.

“Yes,” Dave replied, “through you.” In a flash of movement, Dave had drawn has weapon and slashed upwards. Sparks flew from the androids face as Dave’s ninjatō sliced upwards through its synthetic skin and over its left eye.

The Elise android simply smiled at Dave with the same empty grin as part of its face slowly peeled away revealing a glowing red eye underneath.

Dave grimaced to himself. For a moment, he hoped his sword would do something more than superficial damage.

He heard the clanking of heavy feet against metal grow louder and louder behind him.

“Excuse me, sir. Could you use some help?”

Ninja Dave looked down towards the ground to see a tall man in a long brown coat looking back up at him. The man was holding what looked to be a long, thick metal pipe in one hand. Next to the man was Crunchy who wore a suit that matched Ninja Dave’s, if one discounted the fact that one of Crunchy’s jacket arms was now missing.

“It couldn’t hurt…” Ninja Dave said as he shifted his position so he could see all three androids as they cornered him near the edge of a train car.

The two male androids paused and looked down at the Doctor and Crunchy.

“No!” the Elise android commanded. “This one first! If he gets away we may not find him again.”

Ninja Dave sighed and shook his head. “This just isn’t my night…” he uttered as the three androids closed in on him.

“Set yourself on fire!” Crunchy suggested.

“WHAT?!” Ninja Dave cried.

The Doctor shot Crunchy a confused look as one eyebrow went up and the other lowered slightly.

“Androids can’t catch you if you’re on fire, brah!”

“That’s ninjas!” Ninja Dave said as he backed away from a swipe from the Elise bot. “Ninjas can’t catch you if you’re on fire! Everyone knows that!”

“Well, I certainly didn’t,” the Doctor muttered to himself. “Guess I should remember that one…”

“Oh right,” Crunchy said. “I guess I got confused since you’re a ninja and all…” He shouted back up at Dave, “Try setting them on fire! It worked for me.”

Dave fought the urge to shoot an annoyed glance at Crunchy, instead settling for using his sword to deflect the arm of the olive-skinned android as it reached out for him. Sparks flew as the sword struck metal. Ninja Dave cried, “I don’t have anything to set them on fire with!”

“Oh… sorry dude,” Crunchy said. He turned towards the Doctor. “Well, I’m out of ideas…”

“I have one…” the Doctor replied. He looked up at Dave as he continued to dodge and block hands. “Put the sword away!” the Doctor shouted.

“WHAT?!” Ninja Dave cried. “That’s almost as bad a suggestion as setting myself on fire!”

“I was just brainstorming, brah!” Crunchy shot back.

“I’M FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE, DUDE!”Ninja Dave said as he deflected another attempt to grab him from the olive-skinned android. “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR BRAINSTORMING!”

“Trust me!” the Doctor said.

Dave used his sword to deflect one last attempt to grab him from the Elise android then put the sword back into its sheath. “Now what?!” he cried as he continued to dodge and weave as three sets of arms continuously grasped for him.

As well as he was dodging, Ninja Dave knew he couldn’t keep it up forever. He guessed he’d tire long before the androids ran out of power.

“Use this!” The Doctor cried as tossed the pipe up towards Dave.

Despite the web of hands and arms that threatened to ensnare Dave, he dexterously snatched the pipe as it sailed towards him. Holding the pipe as if it were a two-handed sword, Dave deflected the next attempt to grab him hard and caught the dark-skinned android in the right hand. Its fingers crunched and broke under the weight of the heavy pipe.

Dave grinned as the androids paused their attack briefly. This was no longer a battle of attrition in which the androids had unlimited resources. They could now be hurt.

The dark-skinned android lunged for Dave, but Dave ducked low and swung his pipe into the android’s legs. With a ‘crunch’ the android soon found itself toppling past Dave and over the side of the railcar. It threw its arms in front of its face before it smashed against the gravel below.

The Doctor and Crunchy took a few cautious steps up to the fallen android. A few errant sparks shot from its mangled face before the red lights of its eyes went dim.

“Nice work!” The Doctor shouted up. “I don’t think that one is getting back up.”

Ninja Dave’s grin widened slightly as the olive-skinned robot swiped at him. Dave ducked under the attack and quickly rolled past the android and stood back up in a single movement. He suddenly thrust the pipe backwards into the android’s back, pushing with all his weight.

‘THUNK!’

The olive android lost its footing and fell to the gravel below.

‘Crunch!’

The Elise android looked down at its fallen comrade briefly, then back up at Ninja Dave with the same vacant smile. It suddenly tensed its fingers straight as knives and held them in front of its face. “It’s just you and me. Let’s see how you do against an improved Elise Pearson.”

Dave shook his head and reached into his coat. “Lady, I’ve fought Elise Pearson.” With a flick of his wrist the top of the train car was engulfed in smoke.

The Elise android’s smile finally broke as Ninja Dave disappeared from sight. It heard something land softly behind it, turned…

‘CRUNCH!’

… and saw a complete 360 degree glance of the area around it as a blow sent its head spinning. Then everything went black.

 The android toppled to the ground below, its head now dangling limply from its neck.

‘Thump!’

“YES!” The Doctor said triumphantly as he pumped a fist into the air.

“I knew pipes were the answer!” Crunchy exclaimed.

“De-de-de-de-destroy!”

The Doctor and Crunchy jumped slightly as they stared down at the damaged olive-skinned android that slowly crawled towards them. Its limbs were bent and smashed, yet it pulled itself forward with a single minded determination. It looked up at them with eyes that seemed to glow red with anger.

“Uh, Doctor man? You got another pipe handy?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I’m afraid not…”

“What about that buzzing, shiny blue-light thingy of yours, brah?”

“The sonic screwdriver?” The doctor replied. He shook his head. “It’s got a specific set of things it can do. It’s not a bloody weapon or magic wand to get us out of every situation!”

“Didn’t you weld a few doors shut with it earlier? Why don’t you melt its face off, or something?”

Than android flailed it arms out, its hands tensed into claws. “D-d-d-die meat baaaaaaagsssssss….”

Crunchy and the Doctor took a few steps back.

The Doctor pointed down at the android. “I’m not getting near that thing!”

“Well, what then?” Crunchy asked.

The Doctor checked his pockets and pulled out a small matchbook. He regarded the item quizzically. “We can throw lit matches at it…”

Crunchy nodded. “I’d bet it’d hate that!”

‘Thunk!’

‘Crunch!’

The Doctor and Crunchy looked up as Ninja Dave landed on the broken android and thrust the pipe into its spine as hard as he could.

The android made a few wiring sounds at it twitched once more and then ceased moving.

The Doctor smiled. “Or we can wait for the problem to solve itself.”

Ninja Dave smiled as he stood up to his feet. “Thanks for the pipe.” He extended a hand. “Ninja Dave.”

The Doctor chuckled as he took Ninja Dave’s hand and shook it. “The Doctor, and it was nothing. Thank you for defeating those androids.”

“Uh, brahs?” Crunchy said. “I hate to be the constant harsh on our mells, but shouldn’t we find D.H. and your daughter?”

Ninja Dave and the Doctor frowned.

“We’ll need to find my girlfriend, as well,” Dave said.

The Doctor nodded. “We’ll start searching immediately. We’ll have to be careful… There’s still three androids by my count, and—”

“Daddy!”

The men turned as Dinky bounded up to her father, her blue backpack bouncing against her back with each step. D.H. and Becky followed close behind.

The Doctor chuckled to himself. “I’m really enjoying these things solving themselves for a change.” He bent down and opened his arms as his daughter flew into his waiting embrace.

Becky grinned at Ninja Dave as she walked up, quickening her pace. “I got one, dude!”

Ninja Dave smiled back. “That’s awesome!”

Becky’s smile dropped ever so slightly. “Let me guess… You got more than one…”

Ninja Dave chuckled. “I got three… turns out metal pipes are their weakness,” he said as he held up the bent pipe in his hands.

Becky giggled. “Guess I need to figure out how to carry one of those around.”

Dave suddenly dropped the pipe and threw his arms around Becky, taking her into a tight embrace. “I’m glad you’re safe,” he said softly.

Becky closed her eyes as she wrapped her arms around Dave. “Ditto…”

D.H. finally made it up to the Doctor and threw her arms around him and her daughter.

“Hello dearest,” the Doctor said warmly. “Did you deliver electronic exploding destruction to the androids?”

D.H. laughed softly. “Hehehe… You know it.”

The Doctor looked at his wife lovingly and moved his face closer to hers. “That’s my dearest heart…” he murmured.

D.H. felt her knees go weak and her face turn warm as her husband slowly inched his lips closer to hers.

“Daddy, daddy! I helped shoot an android!” Dinky said excitedly, expertly sneaking up behind the mood and shoving a knife into its back.

The Doctor frowned. “Oh, really?” he said as his loving gaze directed at his wife suddenly turned stern. “I’d love to hear all about that.”

D.H. broke her embrace and held her hands up defensively. “Hey! I pulled the trigger! Dinkums just helped me aim!”

“Ah, so she was the spotter to your sniper,” the Doctor said dryly.

D.H. furrowed her brow and puffed out her lower lip a bit. “Oh, give me a break! They were attacking Becky, who was distracting them so they wouldn’t go after us! And without Dinky’s help, I had just as good a chance as hitting Becky as one of those things!”

“Wait, what?” Becky replied.

“Nothing!” D.H. answered sweetly.

The Doctor sighed. “Well… I guess you have a point, dear.”

“Dudes and dudettes?” Crunchy interrupted. “I’m just going smooth over these bad vibes we have going by reminding everyone we just took out a bunch of androids.”

“We did!” Dinky said excitedly. “We totally did! We rock!”

The Doctor chuckled. “Well, I suppose there really is no point in souring a well-earned victory.” He turned back to D.H. “Now… where were w—”

The Doctor suddenly found himself cut off as D.H. flung herself at him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She stood up on her tip toes and placed her moist lips against the Doctor’s. The Doctor quickly got over his initial surprise and returned the kiss as he placed his arms around his wife’s body.

“Ewwww!” Dinky cried as she attempted to once again murder the mood. Much to her annoyance, her parents continued to kiss each other passionately, ignoring her protest.

Dinky shook her head. “I’ll never get adults! Kissing is so gro…” she trailed off as she noticed yet another pair of adults engaged in enthusiastic lip wrestling. Becky and Ninja Dave were also clearly celebrating their victory in each other arms.

Dinky sighed heavily and looked up at Crunchy. “Hey… uh… hippy guy…”

“My name is Crunchy, little dudette,” Crunchy said with a smile.

Dinky smiled back. “Crunchy… Do you think you can walk me back to the van? Mamma and Daddy say I’m not allowed to go walking in the dark alone.”

“Sounds like a plan, little dudette,” Crunchy said. He looked around the train yard. “Er… I don’t remember where it is, though…”

Dinky chuckled. “That’s okay, I do…” She began walking away from the happy couples, Crunchy following right behind.

“I hope we can go back and get our phones…” Crunchy uttered. “I mean… if we got attacked by androids, who knows what’s going on with everyone else…”

-o~Elsewhere in town~o-

The full moon hung over yet another part of town, this part bustling with activity and well-lit with lights from the poles the surrounded the street, headlights, and even lights from the surrounding buildings.

‘THOM!’

This made it a lot easier for the people fleeing their cars and buildings to avoid trampling each other as they fled in complete abject terror.

‘THOM!’

‘Ring, ring, ring…’

All the people save one.

“RRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!”

‘Ring, ring, ring…’

Tyra paused as the sound of a small bell rung out amongst the panicked screams of the people the fled from her.

A few dozen yards out, a tall man with broad shoulders stood in the middle of the street as the mass of people ran past him onwards towards safety. The right arm of his jacket fluttered limply next to his side, his right arm in a sling in front of his chest. His left hand clutched a bell that he held high and rung again.

‘Ring, ring, ring…’

Tyra narrowed her eyes as the large man smirked back at her.

“Hello big, heavy, and destructive,” Sarge said as he met the massive Tyrannosaurus’s gaze. “You’re making a mess out of the automotive aisle.”

Tyra let out another roar and charged the man with the bell.

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 144 Sarge Vs. Tyra

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 144 Sarge Vs. Tyra

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 144 Sarge Vs. Tyra

-ooooooo-

Elise held a rectangular device in front of her, the light from its screen casting a faint glow on her face as she squinted down at it. Behind her walked the others who had arrived in the blue sedan, in addition to the power-armor-clad Lady.

The Lady walked uncomfortably close to Elise and peered over her shoulders through her black visor at the device. Elise would occasionally glance up from her screen to shoot the Lady an irritated glance. Chris walked behind Elise shooting his own nervous glance at Jean occasionally.  Jean’s attention kept shifting from the device in Elise’s hand to the Lady’s power armor, a slightly detached smile adorning his face. Pinkie trudged behind the group, her pink bag slung across her front, and a large red chainsaw case in her right hand. She had returned to scowling at just about everything. This included the group in front of her… Especially the group in front of her. Mr. Mumbles simply sat on Pinkie’s shoulder with a happy expression on her face.

Elise suddenly stopped and let out a frustrated snarl as she wheeled on the Lady. “Stop crowding me! I think that cobbled together, string-and-tin-can-suit of yours is interfering with my signal.”

The group stopped walking. Chris glanced nervously up at Elise, then shifted his look towards the Lady. Pinkie just narrowed her eyes and tightened her lips at the interruption.

The Lady simply smirked. “Well, unlike your cruddy, government-issued equipment, mine’s working fine,” she said as if the word ‘cruddy’ might as well have been a synonym for ‘government-issued’.

Elise glared at the Lady. “Alright, first of all I designed, built, and tested this system and it’s incredibly reliable! Second…” Elise trailed off as she remembered back on all the devices her work had given her that she herself had to repair. “…Alright, so I don’t have a ‘second’. However, this device works perfectly so long as the trackers can get a clear GPS signal. There must be something interfering…”

“Or maybe the person who designed, built, and tested that device didn’t do as good a job as she thought,” the Lady retorted.

“Hey!” Elise snapped. “Well if you’re so sure your equipment is working, you tell me where the wolf-man is!”

The Lady nodded. “I thought you’d never ask…” She paused and stared off at the warehouses. The Lady’s smile slowly turned to a frown as she continued to stare through her visor in an attempt to get data. “Well, this can’t be right…”

Elise smirked. “Your mob buddies forget to get you a fresh set of double-As?”

“Be quiet!” The Lady commanded. “My sensors seem to either be detecting a number of people or other heat sources in these buildings, up to what seems close to an army… or nothing at all… Maybe something is interfering…”

Elise chuckled. “Must be your second-rate mafia technology.” She said as if the phrase ‘second-rate’ might as well have been a synonym for ‘mafia technology’.

“Don’t you back-talk me, young lady!”

Chris continued to look back and forth nervously between Elise and the Lady. Jean simply observed with a look of detachment. Pinkie narrowed her eyes and glared angrily at the two ladies. Mr. Mumbles continued to sit on Pinkie shoulder with a happy expression on her face.

“Excuse me?” Elise replied. “I’m hardly a young lady.”

“Well, you still shouldn’t talk to your elders or betters that way.”

“BETTERS?!”

Pinkie gritted her teeth as an eye twitched. “Would you two shut the heck up and focus for crying out loud?!” she cried shrilly. “Geez-Louisey, you’re like a nagging mother who also happens to be a world class assassin and a daughter who can’t seem to get her parents approval despite the fact that she has multiple PhDs and is one of the top agents in her field of her shadowy, quasi-governmental organization!”

Elise and the Lady immediately stopped their bickering and turned towards Pinkie, nervous expressions slathered across their faces.

“Huh,” Jean uttered. “Well, that was oddly specific…”

“Wait a minute…” Chris said as he stared at the Lady. “How come you’re acting so familiar with Elise despite only meeting her once before?”

The Lady tensed slightly.

Elise reached into her jacket and pulled out a king-sized Snickers bar. “Chris, I will give you this candy bar if you immediately stop asking questions.”

Chris snatched the candy bar and unwrapped it in one swift movement. In a matter of moments, he was chewing on chocolate, peanuts, caramel, and nougat. “Iw’m sworry… What wwere we twalking about?”

Elise nodded. “Good job.”

“… Good job what?”

The Lady tilted her head slightly and frowned at Elise.

Elise narrowed her eyes in response, quite certain she was getting a disapproving look from under the power suit’s visor. “Oh give us a break, we’ve been running around trying to rescue Dan and dealing with a wolf-man all day for crying out loud!”

“I don’t see what any of that has to do with memory-erasing candy bars…”

“Oh my gosh, you two!” Pinkie exclaimed in an irritated tone. “Just shut up already! Holy cheese-balls! And everyone thinks I have trouble keeping focused.”

Elise and the Lady both sighed.

Elise turned towards the Lady. “Let’s just try to get through this one job, alright?”

The Lady nodded. “Agreed.”

Both girls stared out at the handful of massive warehouses still in front of them.

“Well…” Elise said. “I guess we narrowed it down a bit.”

“We can split up and search them!” Chris suggested.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “And then get murdered one-by-one once we’ve separated? Great idea, Chris!” Pinkie said sarcastically. “Why don’t we all grab scissors and start running around to make phoney-Dan’s job that much easier?”

“Hey!” Chris protested. “I was just trying to help!”

“Well… help better!” Pinkie snapped. “With all the horror movies you and Dan watched, I can’t believe you’d even suggest that… No wait, yes I can. You’re an idiot.”

Elise shot Pinkie a scowl. The Lady laughed out loud, causing Elise to shift focus back towards her.

“Don’t encourage her!” Elise snapped.

The Lady grinned. “What? I think I like her much more this way!”

Elise smacked a hand against her forehead. “Shut up…” she murmured.

Chris shifted nervously as he looked down at Pinkie. “Well… I have my eyes closed for those most the time.”

“Me too,” Pinkie replied. “But I at least learned something from them! I mean…. D’uuuuuh! Not splitting up is horror movie 101 stuff!”

The Lady pointed towards Pinkie. “Yeah, she seems much more on the ball this time around.”

“GAH!” Elise cried in frustration. “What are you talking about? This is the first time you’ve even met her!”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Elise, would you give it a rest? We all figured out it’s your stupid mom under that stupid power armor!”

Elise and the Lady’s bodies both went completely rigid.

Chris’s eyes went wide. “Wha… what?”

“I didn’t!” Jean said. “But I only met both Elise and her mother today, so that’s hardly surprising.”

“Meow,” Mr. Mumbles mewed.

“Pinkie!” Elise cried.

“Whaaaaaaat~?” Pinkie wailed.

“That was supposed to be a secret!” Elise exclaimed.

“Well then you should have done a better job of keeping it!” Pinkie shot back.

Chris stared at the Lady in disbelief. “You’re Elise Sr.?!”

The Lady sighed and brought one of her arms in front of her. A compartment suddenly opened revealing a king-sized Snickers bar. She grabbed a hold of it. “I will give you this candy bar if you never speak a word of this to anyone besides those here. Especially Don.”

Chris looked at the candy bar carefully. “I just ate one of those not a few minutes ago…”

The Lady frowned.

“… It was delicious.” Chris continued. He reached out for the candy bar. “So, of course the answer is ‘yes’.”

The Lady smiled as Chris took the candy bar and began devouring it.

Elise smirked at her mother. “See! It can be useful at times.”

The Lady sighed. “Yeah, yeah… Let’s just start checking these—”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at the Lady. “Why is your power armor full of water and snacks and stuff? I mean… couldn’t that be more room for bullets and missiles and junk?”

The Lady turned and tightened her lips. Trying to convey she was scowling as best she could with only her mouth visible. “Sometimes jobs take a long time, alright?!” She looked down and motioned to her own suit. “It’s not like I can just pop over to the closest vending machine in this getup!”

“Are ye all done carryin’ on like a pack of agitated dogs?”

The group look up as a woman with long red hair wearing a blue-sun dress stared back at them with an impatient look, almost as she had been standing there for quite some time already.

“The Lady!” the woman hissed.

“Fairy Girl…” The Lady said through a sneer.

Chris looked between the two ladies at they had an intense stare down. “You two know each other?”

Elise’s eyes went wide. “Fairy Girl is one of the world’s top assassins! She’s legend… Her file goes back decades… and there’s rumors she’s been at it for far longer than that.”

Fairy Girl grinned. “Aye… It has been fun toying with you mere mortals over the centuries.” She tossed a glance at Pinkie. “Though I’m supposed to help deliver the pink-haired girl here for a wee-bit of revenge on her boyfriend.”

Pinkie sighed and rolled her eyes. “You don’t say.”

“I was the one who broke into your apartment to help the vampires.”

“I so don’t care!”

Fairy Girl narrowed her eyes. “Your boyfriend decapitated me.”

Jean raised an eyebrow. “Decapitated?”

Fairy Girl shrugged. “I got better.”

“OH MY GOSH!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I JUST DON’T CARE! HOW IS THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?! IF YOU’RE GOING TO FIGHT US, THEN GET ON WITH IT SO I CAN STAB YOU UNTIL YOU SHUT UP!”

Fairy Girls eyes widened. “Well someone has a wee bit of a temper.”

“She had her boyfriend kidnapped,” Elise said. “So she’s having an off day. But I’m sure you knew all about that.”

Fairy Girl chuckled. “Aye…” She turned towards the Lady. “Still… business before pleasure…”

The Lady grinned. “Sounds good to me. It’ll be nice to move up to the fourth spot in the most wanted list.”

Fairy Girl shook her head. “You’re nothing compared to me, but you’re already in the fourth spot.”

“Oh?” The Lady asked.

Fairy Girl nodded. “The Dandy met an unfortunate accident in Bangkok a few weeks back.”

“You killed the Dandy?!” The Lady exclaimed.

“No…” Elise murmured to herself.

Chris opened his mouth to speak, but Jean was quicker.

“Who’s ‘the Dandy’?,” Jean asked.

Chris let out a quiet sigh.

“He was the number two on the FBI’s most wanted list…” Elise said.

“And a former partner of mine,” the Lady said through gritted teeth. “Elise, carry on with your little mission. This just got personal.”

Elise shot the Lady a concerned look. “Are you sure you don’t need any—”

“I’ll be fine, Junior! Now go…”

Elise opened her mouth to protest the nickname, but thought better of it.

The Lady balled her armored hands into fists, threw her arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

"FAAAAAAAAAIRYEEEEEEE GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL!"The LadyVs.Fairy Girl

Pinkie let out a long sigh as she stared up into the air, one of her eyelids twitching as if she was staring directly at something that was irritating her. “Let’s just go already…”

-ooo-

Sarge raised his bell high into the air and brought it down hard. The metal of the bell thumped against hard scales as the bell gave another ring.

“RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRR!”

Tyra roared in protest and shook her head from side to side in attempt to shake off the man who was straddling the back of her neck.

Sarge repeatedly brought his bell up and brought it down on the Tyra’s head, but the more he and the beast struggled, the less he found his legs were keeping him in place. With his good arm in a cast he wasn’t sure how long—

“WoaaaAAAAAAH!”

Sarge flew through the air as his legs lost their grip on Tyra’s neck. His trip was cut short as he flew into the side of a silver sedan.

‘CRRRRRRRSSHHHH!’

Glass broke and metal bent from impact with Sarge’s massive back. His black suit jacket protected his body from any of the small, glittering pieces of safety glass that shot out in all directions, however he felt the hard impact of the metal on his body all the same.

Sarge slumped to the ground and let out a small groan.

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

He could hear the stomps of the Tyrannosaurus-rex grow closer. He set his bell down next to him and reached into his coat. He then pulled out another bell, held it up as high as he could while still laying on the ground and shook his wrist.

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

‘Ringa-ringa-ringa-ring…’

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

“RRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!”

Sarge looked up into a massive open maw lined with dagger-sized and shaped teeth. “Well…” he uttered with a fright-filled look. “It was worth a try…”

Tyra reared back her head, jaw still open wide, and brought it downward

Out of the corner of his eye, Sarge saw a rectangular chrome item, about a foot long, half a foot wide, and eight inches deep, sail through the air.

‘Thwslop!’

The item made a soft plopping sound as it hit Tyra in the eye.

“RRROOOOAAARRROOOOAAARRRRROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRR!”

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

Tyra made a distressed roar and began to stomp off, shaking her head vigorously. Soon, the shaking dislodged a toaster from her eye. It sailed away from the dinosaur with its power cord trailing behind it, and fell through a window of a nearby coffee shop, shattering the window before disappearing inside.

“You rang?” A famine voice called out.

Sarge grinned as he propped himself up with his good arm. “I wasn’t sure you’d come, commander… you know… after I uh… started aiding the enemy…”

The short, auburn-haired woman shook her head. Instead of her uniform, she wore a black sweater and black skirt that went down to around her knees. She walked on a pair of black high heels, a red purse slung over her shoulder. She held a couple of beat-up toasters by their power cords, both swayed slightly as they dangled next to her knees.

The commander reached into her purse with her free hand and pulled out a small bell. “Nonsense… Some things are much more important than a stolen car, toaster, couch, or even a few injuries.” She looked up at the massive dinosaur that continued to make a mess of the street, smashing cars with her feet and tail as it continually blinked with the eye that had just gotten hit with a toaster. “I’d say this is one of those things,” the commander uttered.

Tyra slowly turned her head towards Sarge and the Commander and narrowed her eyes.

Sarge stood up to his feet and saluted with his good hand. “Apologies for not saluting with my right, sir.”

The commander shook her head. “At ease, soldier. Now stand beside me as I rally the troops.”

“Yes, sir!” Sarge said as he obediently stood beside the commander, towering over her with his massive size.

The commander held her bell high and rung it. The high-pitched ring was soon joined by similarly sounding rings that seemed to come from every corner of the city around them.

Tyra moved her head from side to side as the unexpected sound filled the air.

A trickle of people emerged from alleyways and buildings, weaving past the line of abandoned cars and smashed debris of the streets. Soon a trickle turned into a torrent, then a flood of people of all genders and races, wearing all sorts of clothing. Some carried used electronics, or pushed bins full of clothing. Others came out wearing sports protection gear and holding balls, baseball bats, or even golf clubs. More gripped a pot, pan, knife, or even a ladle in one hand. There was one thing they all had in common, and that was they all held bells in their right hands that they rang as they approached.

Tyra stood in place as her massive lips curled up revealing her razor sharp teeth, scanning her eyes over the army of people who had suddenly arrived as their bells fell silent.

The Commander grinned up at Sarge. “Would you like to do the honors?”

Sarge’s face lit up. “Can I?” he asked excitedly.

The commander nodded. “You already started this clean-up operation, so you might as well finish it.”

Sarge straightened his back, ignoring the pain that shot through it as he did, and held his head high as he began to bark out, “Speak up, men and women of thrift. Tell us all who you are. ”

The people behind Sarge and the commander answered in one single, unified voice. “We are the soldiers of the Salvation Armed Forces. We are the keepers of the donated!”

Sarge continued, “Well then, soldiers of the Salvation Armed Forces, I ask you: What do you hold in your right hand?”

The members of the Salvation Armed Forces raised their bells. “A mighty bell!”

“Well then, soldiers of the Salvation Armed Forces, I ask you: What do you hold in your left hand?”

The thrift store workers lifted up a random assortment of items. “Gently used clothing and housewares!”

“Now, show them who you are, soldiers of the Salvation Armed Forces! We're retail workers, and yet not retail workers! We are clothing experts, yet not clothing experts! We are money collectors, yet not money collectors! We are military, yet not military! We are soldiers in the service of charity, who bow our heads in reverence to the once used goods, and whose price tags are found on the withered bodies of our enemies! With deals served every holiday, and bells ringing in the darkness! We are the fighters of thrift, we are the workers of the shelves of knick-knacks, and upon the hour at which were are called, we sort through the bins of the donations, and hold our bells up high!”

The army behind Sarge answered once more, “Thus, do we move to clean up our aisles as a mighty army, and form our squared ranks against the fallen glassware and discarded clothing, and prepare for the endless flow of gently used goods!”

Sarge lifted his bell in the air and began ringing it. The commander and all the other members of the salvation armed forces followed his lead and soon the only sound anyone could hear was the deafening chorus of hundreds of handheld bells.

Tyra cringed as the noise reverberated through the city street. She opened her mouth and let out a mighty roar as she lifted her heavy legs and trudged onwards to the mass of people.

“APPLIANCES AND KITCHENWARES, GO!” Sarge commanded.

The commander and many other members of the force behind her and Sarge suddenly shifted their left hands. Knives, pots, pans, spoons, and forks flew into the air. Some started spinning appliances by their power cord until they spun at dangerously fast speeds where they were released towards the charging dinosaur.

Tyra suddenly halted as used kitchenware and home appliances suddenly rained from the sky upon her like a hailstorm of heavy metal and plastic. Most bounced harmlessly off her thick scaly hide, but a few items connected hard and smashed against her body. Microwaves flattened as glass shot out from their doors. Vacuum cleaners broke into pieces. Heavy pots clanged as they dropped upon her.

“SPORTING GOODS, GO!”

Tyra looked up as the avalanche of utensils, cookware, and appliances subsided. She caught a glimpse of men and women wearing various pads and protective gear and brandishing bats, clubs, and even ski-poles rapidly approaching before a wave of balls from all different sports began to collide with her face and snout. She pulled her head back slightly and looked away, but soon felt blows from around her body as clubs and bats were swung into her, and ski-poles poked her. The ringing was absolutely deafening.

“CLOTHING DEPARTMENT AND LINENS, SECURE THE ANIMAL!”

Before she knew it, Tyra felt something puller her legs out from under her. She hit the ground hard causing the entire area to shake. She felt her legs being restrained, quickly followed by her jaws as makeshift rope made from tying together pieces of clothing, sheets, and blankets were secured around her.

Through it all the noise and chaos, Tyra finally picked out a particular ring she had heard before as it slowly got louder.

Tyra opened her eyes to see a now familiar bell being held above her. A bell that suddenly came down.

She felt a hard blow to the top of her head and then nothing.

-ooooooo-

“So… Do you think they’ll come to rescue us?”

Amber groaned out a sigh and stared down at her long blond hair that dangled below her. She shifted her head and stared as far to her side as she could, but it was no use. She couldn’t make eye contact with the teenaged boy tied against her back.

“I know you’d been checking your phone up until the point we got tied up!” Amber said in an irritated voice. “You know everyone is probably busy saving themselves!”

Hanging upside down, a rope tied around his arms, legs, and body keeping his back firmly pressed against the woman behind him, Gibson shifted his shoulders slightly in a shrug. “Still! I mean… Someone has got to be done with whatever thing they had to deal with… I’m way too young and handsome to die!”

“You’re assuming they’re doing any better than we are…” Amber attempted to peer out into the darkness as she and Gibson slowly spun about, but couldn’t make out anything. The dim light from above them only provided a few feet of visibility from where they hung, and that just meant she was getting acquainted with the cracks in the concrete floor below. “I mean… If a bunch of crazy balloon cultists were available to surprise and overpower us, who knows what else is out there?”

Gibson went quiet for a beat. “… I think I miss your positive, optimistic attitude…”

Amber rolled her eyes. “You might be the only one…”

“Well, I mean… you smile a lot more when you’re pretending to be in a good mood…” Gibson said. “Even if it looks kind of fake, you’re still very pretty when you smile…”

It was Amber’s turn to go quiet as she tried to figure out a proper response. “Uh… thanks…”

“Anytime,” Gibson replied. He sighed. “Well… at least I’m pressed up against an attractive girl… even if I rather be facing the other direction.”

Amber furrowed her brow and opened her mouth to protest, but she stopped herself as she dwelled on the situation. We’re both trapped and are likely going to die... Just take the damn compliment. “Thanks Gibson… Even though you’re really young and I find your attention mildly creepy, you’re pretty handsome yourself.”

“… Really?!” Gibson said in a cheerful tone. “What do you think is my best feature? I’m pretty happy about my hair, but I think I have a pretty nice body going on… What do you think?”

Amber shook her head. “Don’t push it.”

“SILENCE!”

Amber and Gibson looked up, straining their heads to their sides as a man in an ashen-colored robe emerged from the darkness. His eyes were obscured by a hood pulled over his head. A black emblem that resembled a four-winged pterodactyl was set on the front of his robe. He pulled a long, wavy sword from out of the darkness and pointed it at Gibson. “We shall sacrifice the virgin in the name of our balloon god, Helios.”

“Awww man,” Gibson said. “I knew mom was wrong about sex not being the most important thing ever!”

“… Wait…” Amber said as she glanced up, or down in this case. “Your balloon god is named ‘Helios’? That’s the Greek god of the sun! You can’t just co-opt the name because it sounds like something that makes things float!”

“BE QUIET!”

Another cloaked figure emerged from the shadows, a couple of floating, colorful balloons held in his right hand. He turned towards the man with the sword. “See! I told you it didn’t make sense! We don’t even use helium in our balloons! Why was it even an option?!”

The man with the sword wheeled on the cultist that just emerged from the shadows. He leveled an angry index finger. “SHUT UP, STEVE! I’m sick and tired of your negative attitude! We all voted for the name ‘Helios’!” You’re like… a constant… stabbing… pin… in my abdomen.”

Gibson stared out in confusion. “You voted for the name of your balloon god?! What kind of stupid balloon cult is this?!”

“I… SHUT UP!” the man with the sword commanded as he turned back to face Gibson.

Amber cocked an eyebrow as she and Gibson continued to slowly spin. “You couldn’t even come up with a balloon metaphor just now? Like… ‘You’re a leak that’s slowly letting all the air out, Steve’? There! Took me like… two seconds!”

Gibson smiled as he began to spin back towards facing the other two. “Or a sandbag that’s keeping this balloon operation weighed down!”

“Hey, they’re good!” Steve said with a smile. “Maybe we should ask them to join instead of killing them.”

The other cult member sighed. “Steve you’re just… a big bag of… heavy stuff… keeping us from achieving… lift.”

“Oh my gosh!” Amber exclaimed. “Gibson spoon-fed you that line and you still screwed it up!”

“I know, right?” Gibson said. “Talk about an airhead,” he said with a chuckle.

A small wave of laughter ran through the cultist members.

Amber tittered to herself. “He’s really full of hot air, isn’t he?”

Another wave of laughter rang out.

“STOP IT!” The cultist commanded as he pointed his sword at Gibson and Amber. “STOP BEING BETTER AT BALLON PUNS THAN ME!”

Everyone went quiet.

Gibson spoke up, “… Well, someone just let all the air out of the room.”

Amber and the balloonists all broke into a fit of laughter.

“GRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHH!” He suddenly ran up to Gibson and grabbed the rope tightly. He pulled his sword back and got ready to thrust.

“I HAVE SO MANY REGRETS!” Gibson cried.

“GIBSON!” Amber shouted in alarm.

Gibson swallowed as he stared at the sword pointed at his chest. The cultist holding it smiled darkly as he looked at Gibson’s expression, as if savoring the fear of his soon-to-be victim.

“… A-Amber…?” Gibson said.  “If you make it out of here…”

“I know…” Amber said without a hint of sarcasm or annoyance. “Tell your brother to erase your browsing history…”

Gibson nodded. “Yeah… and… uh… thanks for putting up with me and hanging out with me and stuff… I know I can be a pain… but… uh… I had fun… you know…”

Amber felt water began to pool from around her eyes. “Gibson…”

“Touching,” the man with the sword said. He hefted his sword up a bit. “But I’m afraid I need to drain you of all your blood.”

Gibson closed his eyes.

Amber began to squirm in her bounds. “Gibson?! GIBSON!” she cried in a panic.

“RELEASE THEM,” a feminine voice commanded.

The man with the sword suddenly turned his head and looked off into the darkness. “But—”

“I did not travel through time, space, and public transport just to watch you mutilate a teenager,” the voice continued. “Release them.”

The man sighed heavily and lowered his sword.

Gibson breathed a sigh of relief.

Amber felt her body relax slightly, and the pounding in her chest she was only now aware of began to slow.

The man with the sword nodded into the shadows before trudging off back into them.

Cloaked figures emerged from the darkness and slowly untied Amber and Gibson, taking them gently onto the floor and allowing them to return to their feet before the cultists departed back into the darkness.

Amber squinted into the darkness and smiled brightly. “Thanks for saving us…”

A dark chuckle was Amber’s answer. “Do not thank me, for I shall be your undoing…”

Amber sighed and shook her head. “I knew it was too good to be true…” She looked up. “Uh… do we know you?”

Maniacal laughter filled the void of the dark, cavernous room. “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Of course! All should know me.”

Gibson’s eyes shot open wide. “That voice… it’s…”

Suddenly a small, fiery glow appeared out in the darkness, illuminating a pointed chin and a grim smile under the wide purple brim of a hat. A small flickering flame danced in the slender palm of the woman as a wand came up into view, pushing the brim of her hat up and revealing piecing violet eyes and long silvery blue hair.

“Tremble in fear, mere mortals. You face the GRRRRRRRRRRREAT AND POWERFUL TRRRRRRRIXIE!”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 145 Gibson & Amber Vs. Trixie

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 145 Gibson & Amber Vs. Trixie

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 145 Gibson & Amber Vs. Trixie

-ooooooo-

Elise Sr. gritted her teeth as she tapped the side of her helmet, her visor cycling through a number of different views. Infrared, motion, and perhaps the most dramatic of all, normal view, all failed to pierce either the unnatural interference going on with her sensors, or detect her target which had seemingly gone invisible amongst the light poles and warehouses of the docks.

“Just… just show yourself and fight like an assassin you little so-and-so!” Elise Sr. cried.

Through the garbled mess of her sensors, Elise Sr.’s suit suddenly flashed a warning.  She attempted to shift her position, but it was too late.

‘SCHOOOORCH!’

“AAAAH!”

An arc of electricity caught her, sending waves of painful burning and numbness through her body as she fell to her hands and knees. Her suit’s systems beeped and buzzed in protest.

“I am fighting like an assassin,” Fairy Girl’s voice called. “It’s you who’s stumbling ‘round like a drunk with a broken bottle tryin’ to pick a fight…“

Elise Sr. suddenly looked up and raised an arm. A barrel suddenly popped out from above her wrist and a stream of bullets fired out.

‘RATATATATATATATATATATATAT!’

“Not even close,” Fairy Girl’s voice called out from a different direction this time. “Though, it’s not like that mess o’ mechanical rubbish you have strapped to ye body will make a lick of difference.”

Elise Sr. suddenly shifted and began firing off towards the direction of the voice.

‘RATATATATATATATATATATATAT!’

‘SCHOOOORCH!’

“GHAH!”

Elise Sr. felt the waves of burning again as she began to lose feeling in her extremities.

Fairy Girl’s laugh echoed from all directions. “HAHAHAHAHAHA! Shall I tell you if you’re getting warmer or colder?”

Elise Sr. got up to a crouching position and tapped the armor around her thigh. A compartment slid open revealing two small missiles. She quickly picked one and brought it up to her left forearm where another compartment slid up. She loaded the missile into her arm and pointed it out into the empty docks. He arm shook as her suit continued to bombard her with messages of imminent system failures and she struggled to keep conscious through all the pain.

“Cold… cold… warmer…” Fairy Girl’s voice rang out in a mocking tone as Elise Sr. slowly moved her shaking arm across the seemingly empty docks.

“…warmer… hot… hot…”

Elise Sr.’s suit warned her of yet another electricity build up.

“You’re on fir—”

Elise Sr. suddenly lifted her arm straight up and fired. The warnings of her suit suddenly subsided as the missile exploded a few dozen yards above her.

Fairy Girl chuckled. “Now that was a waste. Don’t tell me you’re throwing in the towel?”

Dark reddish brown specs of dust glittered in the light of the full moon as they drifted downward from the explosion. She touched the side of her helmet a few times and an arrow suddenly appeared on her readout, pointing off towards her left.

Elise Sr. grinned as she quickly pivoted and pointed her arm towards a feminine outline in the rust colored powder. “No… not by a longshot.”

‘RATATATATATATATATATATATAT!’

-ooo-<

‘BOOM!’

Elise tensed slightly and paused, turning back to look at an explosion in the sky far behind her on the docks.

Chris and Jean stopped walking as they looked at the explosion, then at Elise.

Pinkie stopped and slumped her shoulders, shooting an irritated look off into the distance.

Mr. Mumbles rubbed her face against Pinkie and purred, though Pinkie did not react to the cat’s affection.

“I’m sure she’s alright…” Chris said.

Jean nodded in agreement. “She did seemed armed to the nines!”

“I know…” Elise said. “But Fairy Girl has definitely made a name for herself in the world of assassins… I know my mom is highly skilled, but—”

Pinkie suddenly wheeled around and glared at Elise as the sounds of gunfire sounded off in the distance. “What’s even your deal?!” she snapped. “I thought you hated your mom! I know I do…”

Elise sighed. “I know, but…”

“Hate your mom, that is,” Pinkie clarified.

Elise rolled her eyes. “I figured that out, Pinkie. Thanks…”

Pinkie continued, “MY mom isn’t a horrible, judgmental bit—”

“I GET it, Pinkie!” Elise cried. “Look… Mom and I are just trying to work out some things…alright?”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Like a history of trying to have me killed or shipped off somewhere?”

Elise nodded. “Yes, that did come up…”

Jean shook his head. “Ahhh… Family… Can’t live with them, can’t inject them with experimental chemicals because you’ll never know what they’ll do if they’re given dangerous, offensive abilities, am I right?”

The group collectively turned and stared at Jean for a moment.

“My, my… I hope I’m not interrupting,” a deep, menacing voice purred.

Pinkie sighed. “Oh for the love of Celestia…”

The group turned and stared at a well-built man in white-and-purple tights, a purple cape, black gloves and boots, and a white helmet.

Chris gasped. “Dr. Pullum.”

Dr. Pullum opened his mouth wide, smiling as he showed off his unnaturally perfect teeth. “I see my reputation precedes me…” he trailed off as his eyes narrowed, focusing on someone specific out of the group. “YOU!” he cried.

“… Me?” Chris said pointing at himself.

“No, not you! You dopey looking ninny!”

“Hey!” Chris protested.

“The man grinning like an idiot standing next to you.”

Jean locked eyes with Dr. Pullum as he continued to grin. “Hello Jackie…”

“DON’T CALL ME JACKIE!” Dr. Pullum snapped.

Jean shook his head. “Still playing second fiddle to someone else, I see.”

Dr. Pullum leveled an index finger at Jean. “I’ll have you know I came very close to taking over the world some time back!”

Chris smiled. “Dan and I stopped him!”

“Shut up!” Dr. Pullum snapped.

“ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!” Pinkie shrieked. She looked at Jean then towards Dr. Pullum. “How do you two even know each other?”

Jean chuckled. “We went to Villain University together.”

“… There’s a university for villains?” Chris said.

Elise cocked an eye at Chris. “This really surprises you given everything we’ve seen… today?”

Chris’s features wilted slightly. “Good point…”

Jean motioned out to Dr. Pullum. “I always got higher marks than Jackie here.”

Dr. Pullum folded his arms. “Even though my villain concept was way more original!”

“An evil dentist, Jackie!” Jean cried. “A dentist!”

“Everyone is scared of the dentist!” Dr. Pullum shot back.

“Yeah, because they’re no fun to visit! Not because they’re actually afraid the dentist is going to take control of their minds!”

“Well, I was trying to change all that!”

Jean rolled his eyes, “What… by making a bunch of lame, dental-based robots and copying Magneto’s style?”

“THAT’S IT!” Dr. Pullum roared. “LET’S FINISH THIS, SPLICER! RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW! Dent-o-bots! Come forth.”

Dozens of chrome robots with wide, triangular-shaped chests held up on a single wheel rolled out of the surrounding warehouses. Each one had a pair of long, thin hooks form arms and stared out with a single red eye set in the middle of an oval head.

Jean chuckled. “Wow… They look just as ridiculous now as they did when you first built them!”

Dr. Pullum gritted his oddly perfect teeth. He balled his gloved hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“JEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAN SPLIIIIIIIIIIIIICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!”Dr. PullumVs.Jean Splicer

Pinkie stared up into the sky and sneered letting out a frustrated “GRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“What are you looking at?” Chris asked as he too glanced up.

Pinkie groaned in frustration before answering, “Uhhhggg… nothing… It’s just… does every stupid person here just happen to have a vendetta against some other stupid person involved in all this?!” she cried.

Elise cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “You’re one to talk. This whole thing started specifically because Dan’s look-alike is after you and Dan.”

Pinkie sighed. “Fine! Whatever! These two can have their stupid supervillain war to hash out their equally dumb school stuff! I’ve got a silvered chainsaw to plunge guard-deep in a werewolf’s sternum!” With that, Pinkie began walking again, cat still on her shoulders. Elise and Chris followed as the group simply shifted and weaved past dental bots.

As the red glow from the dental bots illuminated Jean, he reached into his white lab coat and grinned wickedly.

-ooooooo-

Amber squinted and stared at Trixie through the dim light of the warehouse. “Well… She at least looks a bit easier to deal with than a bunch of greasy-looking men in robes.”

“HEY!” a masculine voice protested in the darkness.

Trixie grinned wickedly. “Oh, I don’t know about that…” she purred as she held her wand straight up. An arch of electricity fired off into the ceiling, briefly illuminating the area around Trixie as it crackled upwards.

Amber sighed and shook her head. “Great, she can shoot lightning out of her wand… that’s all we need.” She turned towards Gibson. “You better just shoot her.”

“What?!” Gibson exclaimed.

“WHAT?!” Trixie cried. “You have a gun on you?!”

Gibson turned to Trixie. “Well… I mean a friend of mine was kidnapped! And I sort of got a gun just a bit ago, so I mean… It seemed like a good idea to bring it...”

Trixie looked off into the shadows. “HE HAD A GUN AND YOU IDIOTS DIDN’T TAKE IT OFF OF HIM?!”

“We just wanted sacrifices! We got the drop on them and tied them up! How were we supposed to know he’d be armed?!”

Trixie gritted her teeth. “You search them when you capture them! That’s how! You don’t just capture people and tie them up and assume they don’t have guns!” Trixie motioned out to Amber and Gibson. “Especially if they’re dressed in suits! I mean… then you just assume they’re armed! This is capturing people one-o-one!”

“Look, Steve really dropped the ball on this one—”

“Hey!” Steve protested.

“—But, you can just zap them, right?”

“I don’t want to fight them now!” Trixie cried. “I might get shot!”

“Gibson!” Amber cried. “Shoot her before she changes her mind!”

Gibson cocked an eyebrow at Amber. “Seriously! Why do you want me to shoot people now?”

“Because they’re trying to kill us!”

Trixie winced and gave Gibson a nervous expression. “Erm… Trixie wasn’t going to kill you… She was maybe just going to zap you a few times…” Trixie waved her wand and suddenly the lights came on in the warehouse exposing a group of about a dozen and a half men in ashen cloaks standing about a dozen yards away from Trixie.  The men all jumped slightly as the lights came on.

Trixie pointed at them. “If you’re going to shoot anyone, shoot them!”

“What the heck?!” one of the men protested.

“Start with Steve,” the cult leader said as he motioned towards Steve with his sword.

“UNCOOL, DUDE! What about balloonists’ solidarity?!”

“Well, we’re usually not in danger of being shot!” the lead cultist replied.

“It’s a trick!” Amber cried. “You waste your bullets on those idiots and then that hussy lightnings us when you’re out of ammo!”

“Hussy!?” Trixie cried.

“You’re not even wearing pants!” Amber exclaimed as she pointed towards Trixie’s fishnet-covered legs.

“I’m a female magician!” Trixie replied. “Pants are very much optional!”

Gibson flung his hands to his sides. “Look! I can’t shoot the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Let me guess… because she’s hot, right?”

Gibson nodded. “Well that and she’s like the best magician, ever!”

Trixie stared at Gibson for a second. “You… you know who I am…?” Her face lit up. “You think I’m hot?”

Gibson smiled and began walking towards Trixie. “Heck yes I know who you are! I’ve seen all your MeTube videos! I even sat through a Magnifico the Magnificent show just to watch you! I have your poster on the ceiling over my bed and everything!”

“…Ew!” Amber exclaimed.

Trixie giddily jumped from foot to foot as Gibson approached. “You’ve seen all of my videos… and you have a poster of me?!”

Gibson nodded and smile. “I’m like your biggest fan! Meeting you is a dream come true!”

Amber sighed. “She wants to kill us one second and now is just happy because a teenager happens to know who she is… Figures…”

“Oh, this is so exciting!” Trixie cried. “Tell me, what’s your favorite trick of mine?”

Gibson blushed slightly and grinned sheepishly. “Er… You know… when you pull a card out from between your er… bosom… s.”

Trixie smirked and reached towards her exposed cleavage. With a flick of her wrist she produced a picture of herself posing in her magician’s outfit and handed it to Gibson.

Gibson’s eyes went wide as he took the photograph in his hand. “It’s… it’s signed and everything… You even wrote ‘To my number one fan, Gibson!’ That’s amazing!” Gibson said as he looked up from the photo. “I didn’t even see you do that! How’d you know my name?”

Trixie blushed slightly. “Well… That was less magic and more that middle-aged woman shouting it a bunch of times.”

“MIDDLE-AGED?!” Amber cried. She began to grit her teeth.

“Hey!” the lead cultist called out from the shadows. “Aren’t we supposed to be enemies with these people?”

“TRIXIE IS TALKING TO A FAN RIGHT NOW!” Trixie snapped.

The lead cultist held his hands up in front of him. “Alright… Just… I mean… he was going to be our sacrifice.”

“TRIXIE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THAT AT ALL! NOW LEAVE US ALONE! WE HAVE BETTER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, LIKE HOW GREAT I AM!”

Gibson nodded. “She is very great… and powerful…”

Trixie tittered to herself. “Oh you charmer, you…”

“Maybe we can sacrifice the other one…” Steve suggested.

Amber tensed slightly.

The cult leader rolled his eyes. “Oh, like a woman that old is a virgin!”

Amber’s eyes widened. “OLD?!”

“It couldn’t hurt to ask!”

“It’s a long shot, but…” The lead cultist turned to Amber. “Are you a virgin by chance?”

Amber’s face contorted as if all the muscles on her face were trying to pull it towards a single point just under and a bit to the side of her left eye.

“RHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The lead cultist just stared at Amber. “Is that a ‘no’?”

Amber began sprinting straight for the lead cultist, anger chiseled across her face and rage in her eyes.

The lead cultist held his sword straight out in front of him as panic gripped his features. “STAY BACK! I HAVE A SWORD!”

In a flash, Amber was alongside the sword and holding the lead cultist’s wrist with her left hand as she drove her right fist into his face.

‘CRACK!’

The lead cultist fell to the ground and dropped the sword. It clattered on the concrete floor as the cultist cupped his face in his hand. “My nose! I think she broke it!”

“Well, it could only improve your look…”

“SHUT UP, STEVE! Someone grab her.”

Amber bent down and picked up the sword, glaring at the cultist angrily as she continued to grind her teeth.

“She has the sword!” one of them cried.

Amber suddenly swung her arm upward, flinging the sword straight into the air.

‘THWAaAaAaAaAaAaAaNG!’

The sword’s point stabbed into the ceiling and the sword vibrated from side to side as it remained lodged high above anyone who could possibly use it.

One of the cultists pointed at Amber. “She lost the sword… Get he—”

Amber suddenly reached out for the extended hand and yanked the cultist close to her as she raised her knee and placed it into their abdomen.

“OOOFF!”

The cultist crumpled to the ground in a heap.

“We should just rush her!” Another cultist cried. “She can’t take us all—”

Amber suddenly sprung forward again, cutting off the cultist by thrusting her elbow into the side of his face.

‘CRUNCH!’

She followed this up with a kick to another cultist’s knee.

‘THWACK!’

Both cultists recoiled from her attack and placed their hands over their fresh injuries.

“Ow! She apparently can take us all on!”

“Hey! Let’s give her Steve!” one cultist cried.

“What?! Uncool dudes!” Steve exclaimed. “Uncool!”

“Hey, yeah!” Another cultist agreed. “He was the one who suggested we sacrifice her…”

“DUDES! BALLOONIST SOLIDARITY!” Steve cried.

The uninjured cultists suddenly grabbed Steve and pushed him closer to Amber as the injured cultists scrambled away from her.

“Oh mighty, Amber,” one cultist said. “Will you forgive our trespasses if we offer you this sacrifice of a man with unpleasant body odor?”

“Holy crud, dude!” Steve exclaimed. “That was just mean!”

Amber’s angry expression suddenly shifted as her lips began to curl upward, still absorbing the malice written across her face as they formed a devilish smile. She reached out and snatched Steve’s robes, drawing him close to her. “Nope… but he’s a good start.”

“AAAAAHHHH!” the cultists cried as Amber began to contort Steve’s body into unnatural-looking shapes. The cultists scattered about the warehouse.

“I WAS WRONG!” Steve cried as there was a hard tug on one of his arms.

‘CLICK!’

“IT DIDHURT TO ASK IF SHE WAS A VIRGIN!”

‘THUD!’

“IT HURTS BAD!”

‘CRACK!’

“AAAAAAHHHH!”

Having turned Steve into something resembling a pretzel in a robe, Amber discarded her victim and ran off in pursuit of her next. She caught and pummeled cultists as Gibson and Trixie continued to talk about everything from Trixie’s magic, to how she dresses.

“You have to do another video in your medieval wizardress getup!” Gibson said excitedly. “You just have to!”

“SOMEONE GRAB HER!” a cultist shouted as Amber continued to run amok in the warehouse.

Trixie placed an index finger against her chin and stared up at the ceiling briefly.

‘THWACK!’

“WHY DON’T YOUGRAB HER?!”

Trixie smiled and narrowed her eyelids slightly. “Ah … the one that was basically me in a swimsuit, elbow-length gloves, boots, and a cape?”

‘POW!’

Gibson nodded his head up and down enthusiastically.

“SHE JUST KICKED KYLE IN THE FACE! I’M NOT GETTING NEAR HER!”

Trixie giggled to herself. “Well, maybe just for you…” she cooed as she tickled Gibson’s chin lightly with an index finger.

“OH GOD! SHE’S ACTUALLY PICKING UP STAN!”

Gibson seemed to quiver with delight at Trixie’s light touch. “Best day ever…” he whispered.

‘WOMP!’

“You know,” Trixie said, “I can use someone to tell me how great and impressive I am.”

“Really?!” Gibson said. “That’s like… wow! I think I was put on this planet just to do that!”

Trixie smiled and with a flick of a wrist produced her phone. “Here, let me give you my number… just tell me yours.”

“OH GOD! IT DOESN’T BEND THAT WAY!”

Gibson looked at Trixie in disbelief. “You want my number?!”

‘CRACK!’

Trixie smiled at Gibson. “Well, I can’t give you my number if you don’t give me yours!”

“AAAAAAH! IT DOESN’T BEND THATWAY, EITHER!”

Gibson quickly rattled off some digits.

Trixie quickly imputed them into her phone.

“Uh… hey…” Gibson said as she sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “Could I… maybe… buy you a coffee? A grande vanilla café latte with skim milk, a cinnamon stick, and a touch of blueberry syrup all topped with whipped cream?”

Trixie’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh my,” she said. “You really are Trixie’s biggest fan!”

“Well I’m a big fan of your body—OF WORK!” Gibson corrected hastily. “I meant to say ‘body of boobs’—I MEAN ‘OF WORK’!” Gibson sighed and hung his head. “… You don’t ever want to speak to me again, don’t you…” he muttered while staring down at his feet.

Trixie just smiled and lowered her head to get a better look at Gibson. “The Grrrreeeaaaat and Powerful Trixiewould love a coffee…” She brought his head back up and held out the crook of her arm. “Especially if it’s from such a handsome and well-dressed man as yourself.”

Gibson looked up with a giant smile on his face. He looped his arm through Trixie’s as she pointed off into the warehouse, leading the pair away.

‘THUD!’

“WHHHHYYYY?!”

‘CRASH!’

“WHY IS THE EXIT SO HARD TO FIND?!”

‘THUMP!’

“WHAAAAAAA!”

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 146 Everyone Vs. Everyone Else

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 146 Everyone Vs. Everyone Else

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 146 Everyone Vs. Everyone Else

-oooooo-

‘RATATATATATATATATATATATAT!’

Bullets ripped through the night air towards the feminine figure outlined by the brownish-red dust. Fairy Girl felt sharp stabs of pain pierce her skin and plunge deep into her abdomen. She bent over and placed her left arm over her wounds. Though traditional bullets were not fatal to her kind, being shot still hurt like one wouldn’t believe.

The Lady smiled. “What was that? ‘I’m on fire,’ was it?”

Fairy Girl gritted her teeth. Something was wrong. Unless she was struck by iron, her wounds should have healed almost immediately, but blood continued to seep from the bullet holes in her stomach and she felt a burning sensation in her lungs. She glanced around at the dust around her that had begun to cover everything like a thin layer of rust-colored snow. The dust… could it be…? Better end this quick then sort out what this is afterwards.

Fairy Girl pointed her right hand out toward The Lady. Around her index finger was a silver ring designed with uneven zigzags that went all the way around and surrounded a cobalt-blue gem. She squeezed her hand into a fist and the ring began to glow and crackle.

The Lady’s smile dropped as she noticed the glow. She quickly raised her arm again and pointed. But where a torrent of bullets had poured out of before, the only thing that came out of barrel this time was a series of unsatisfying clicks.

Fairy Girl smiled as she noticed the first few tiny sparks of electricity jump from the ring. Her smile quickly faded as noticed the sparks failed to join into a single bolt that propelled forward but instead arced about the dust around her, she briefly felt her hair stand up on end before a sensation that seemed to alternate between burning and numbness overtook her body.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Fairy Girl screamed as electricity coursed through her. She collapsed to the rust dusted concrete below, her head falling into a pool of her own fiery red hair.

‘STOMP…’

‘STOMP…’

Fairy Girl glanced up as the Lady walked towards her with heavy steps. She wasn’t sure if this was for dramatic effect, or if the Lady’s suit had simply taken a little too much electricity and was acting up. Either way, she was finding the act of defending herself, or even standing difficult at the moment.

The Lady chuckled to herself. “And here I thought you had something bigger like a lightning cannon or an electrical discharge generator… You surprised me with that tiny ring. Still… it seems your item there doesn’t function as well when surrounded by semi-conductive material.”

Fairy Girls eye darted about the brownish-red colored dust that settled into a thin layer over the surroundings. “Cough… Wha… what is it…?”

The Lady grinned. “Iron oxide powder. It’s highly magnetic and my sensors can use the particles to help make a very accurate mapping of my surroundings. That’s how I was able to find you.”

The left side of Fairy Girl’s lips pulled up in a sneer as her left eye twitched slightly. That bleedin’ idiot has no idea what I am still! She thinks because she shot me and I ended up shockin’ meself that she won. She has no idea the dust is killin’ me!

Fairy Girl felt a profound sense of rage come over her. It was doubtful her death here would be any more permanent than her last one, but she knew her death was certain at this point. Her bullet wounds refused to heal and she could feel burning from her lungs with every breath. Her body started to ache and her vision was going blurry, and she wondered if the fine metal powder had begun to poison her very blood. Still, it was not the method that filled her with fiery anger, but the idea her opponent had bested her out of sheer dumb luck.

‘STOMP…’

‘STOMP…’

The Lady bent down and wrapped metal fingers around Fairy Girl’s neck, hauling her up and holding her off the ground.

Fairly Girl managed a grin through all the pain. “Cough… cough… Ye’r a fool for getting this close.” Fairy Girl placed her right hand against the Lady’s power armor and squeezed it into a fist.

The Lady smiled as she simply reached out with her other hand and grabbed Fair Girl’s wrist as the ring began to glow. “And you’re an idiot for thinking I had forgotten about your little toy.”

Fairy girl quickly reached out with her other hand and attempted to pull the Lady’s arm away, but the Lady’s power-armor-covered arm didn’t budge. Soon the ring was positioned right under Fairy Girl’s chin.

Fairy Girl let out one more glare before she felt another wave of burning and numbness rip through her body. She let out one more scream before going silent.

Elise Sr. unceremoniously discarded the now lightly smoking body on the concrete next to her. Her suit’s systems gave a few more beeps of protests and then went silent as the lights on her helmet went dim. She couldn’t feel the burning sensation anymore, but then again, she was having trouble feeling much of anything.

“Guess that wasn’t my best idea…” Elise Sr. said as she slowly lowered herself to a sitting position. The final lingering glow of her visor went out, and Elise Sr. removed her helmet. Her eyes were getting harder and harder to keep open.

She glanced up down the line of warehouses, but she was having trouble making them out at this point She looked down at the body of Fairy Girl. “Well… guess it was nice being number two on the FBI’s most wanted list… if even for a little while…”

Elise Sr. closed her eyes as her body went limp.

-ooo-

Jean pulled out a palm sized rectangular black item with a red button on the top and continued to smile as the red lights of the dentobots eyes remained focused on him. Without hesitation, Jean pressed the button.

Dr. Pullum simply looked at the box and sighed heavily. “Alright, what animal does that thing summon and what ridiculous properties have you engineered it to possess?”

Jean grinned wickedly. “Bats, they’re now the size of cocker spaniels, and their echolocation can be used as an attack that vibrates things until they fall apart.”

Dr. Pullum sneered. “Bats?! I hate bats!”

“I know…” Jean replied with a smirk.

Dr. Pullum cocked his head slightly. “Still, unless that sedan you came in on was towing invisible bat pens, I’m guessing they won’t show up right away.” One corner of Dr. Pullum’s lips curled up slightly. “What’s to keep me from having my dentobots finish you off now?”

Jean smiled and shook his head. “Oh, Jackie… You don’t want to just kill me. You want to prove you’re better than me. That you’ve surpassed me. Having your robots stab me to death with their hooks won’t prove that.”

Dr. Pullum frowned slightly. “No… I suppose it won’t. Alright, we’ll wait for your ridiculous bats.”

“Says the man who thought two long hooks shoved into something that looks like a metal E.T. all balanced on a unicycle was a good design.”

“… You know what? I don’t think I care if I’m better than you anymore… I just want to kill you.” Dr. Pullum glanced behind him. “Dentobots!”

The dentobots all pointed their forearms at Jean.

Jean smiled as high pitched shrieks accompanied by the sound of heavy wings flapping in this distance could be heard in the distance.

“Too late,” Jean said. He raised his hands in the air as dozens of massive bats flew in from behind him, blocking out the moonlight as they dove at the dentobots.

The robots looked up as the bats came down. With ear-piercing screeches, the robots began to rattle, fall apart, or simply collapse into piles of long metal hooks and scrap metal.

The robots still functioning and possessing limbs lifted their arms and fired off thick lengths of white strands that entangled the bats and brought them to the ground. Soon the area was a mass of flailing hooks, leathery wings flapping about, cracked and shattered round metal heads, and a tangled mess of dental floss. All of this shaking violently as the bats screaming shook the ground and the warehouses around it.

Jean threw his head back and laughed maniacally at the chaos in front of him.

Dr. Pullum narrowed his eyes, focusing a determined look at Jean. A blood-curdling shriek filled his ears as he felt his teeth chatter and very bones shake as if threatening to pop right out of his skin.

In a flash of movement, Dr. Pullum pivoted and pointing an end of his staff upwards. A blue beam suddenly shot out from the hook, hitting the bat that was screaming at him. Small arcs of electricity flickered across the bat as its flapping became sporadic. It fell to the ground and began flaying its wings about, apparently too disoriented to regain flight. It began screeching in random directions, damaging robots but catching other bats in its shrieks as well. The rattled bats began to drop from the sky.

Dr. Pullum turned again, took aim, and fired, bringing another bat to the ground that screamed in all directions. He repeated the process two more times, and soon the sky was every bit as chaotic as the ground below.

Jean stopped laughing as he managed to make out a new sound from amongst the screeches of the bats and clattering of metal. He looked back down as Dr. Pullum stepped over fallen machines and entangled bats, laughter pouring out of him as he clutched his double-hooked staff and walked closer and closer to Jean.

-ooooooo-

Pinkie, Chris, and Elise continued walking past massive warehouses as the full moon lowered itself in the night’s sky. The once completely clear sky now sported the odd cloud here and there, though the group took no notice, each one’s focus on something else entirely.

Pinkie stared on with determination even as the cat on her shoulder begun batting at an errant strand of long pink hair.

Chris held a smartphone in front of him and moved his finger over the screen as he squinted at the words he was typing.

Elise similarly stared down at a screen, her tracker seemingly working as expected once more.

Chris perked his ears up at the sound of horrendous screeching coming from behind the group. “Is it just me, or does it sound like it’s getting weirder and more dangerous back there?”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Kinda getting fed up with all these distractions, Chris.”

Elise looked up from the screen of the device which casted a soft glow on her face. “Don’t worry, the warehouse is coming up.”

“It better be!” Pinkie cried. “If I go much longer without seeing Dan, I think I might scream so hard I tear a fabric in space time… again.”

Elise pointed down the line of warehouses. “Just a few more warehouses and we’ll—AAH!” Elise exclaimed as she suddenly found herself moving sideways.

“WHOA!” Chris too found himself moving.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles cried as she clung to the shoulder she was on. Pinkie merely stared off into open space with a grumpy expression as a massive freight door opened and the ground beneath the trio of people and one cat shifted until they were inside a dark warehouse.

With a loud ‘Thoom!’ flood lights from overhead switched on, revealing a wooden stage with a single man standing in the center. He looked up and stared at the group in front of him with an eager smile and narrow, mascara-surrounded eyes. “Good afternoon, boys and girls!”

Pinkie glared. “It’s night, and there’s only one boy here!”

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed in agreement.

The man on stage motioned to himself. “I am… Magnifico the Magnificent!” He turned focusing his attention on Elise and smiled wickedly. “And I need a volunteer to help me do some… magic!”

Elise froze in place as traumatic memories of her eighth birthday party came flying at her like knives thrown towards her as she spun helplessly shackled to a large wheel. Traumatic memories all courtesy of a teenaged Magnifico the Magnificent.

Chris gasped. “He summoned us here with his magic!”

Pinkie sighed. “Chris, I know being stupid is like your thing and all…”

“Heeeey!” Chris protested.

Pinkie looked down. “…But I’m pretty sure this is a big conveyer belt painted to match the color of the cement.” Pinkie stomped down a couple times. “Cement doesn’t bounce when you step down on it, for one.”

Elise stared up at Magnifico in determination, she handed Pinkie the rectangular device she was holding. “Pinkie… go… Find Dan.”

“‘Kay,” Pinkie replied as she looked down at the device.

“This is something I have to do on my own.”

Pinkie furrowed her brow as she looked up. “I just said ‘‘kay’!” she cried in irritation. “I’m going! We can skip the dramatic explanation!”

Chris’s eyes nervously darted from Elise, to Pinkie, to Magnifico.

“It’s time for me to face my fear, once and for all!” Elise announced. “You have your own destiny to face.”

“Oh my gosh, Elise! I literally said I was leaving a few seconds ago!”

Elise balled her hands into fists…

“No! Stop that!” Pinkie demanded.

…threw her arms into the air…

“You stop that right now!”

…and shouted at the heavens.

“MAAAAGNIFICOOOOOOOOOO!”EliseVs.Magnifico

“WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?” Pinkie exclaimed.

Chris frowned heavily and turned towards Pinkie. “Well… I guess we better…”

Pinkie leveled an index finger at Chris. “You stay here!”

“But Elise said…”

“I DON’T FLIPPIN’ CARE!” Pinkie cried shrilly. “If you come with me you’ll probably run into some nemesis or something…”

Chris narrowed his eyes. “Like the Secret Order of the Calorie Counters…”

“Yeah like… Wait, what?” Pinkie quickly threw her arms up and waved them about. “No wait! I don’t care…” Pinkie glanced at Elise, taking note of her tensed hands that shook slightly as she held them by her sides. “Just stay here! I don’t want to have to explain to Dan why I killed his best friend because I was getting super annoyed with everything!”

Chris pursed his lips slightly. “Well… he might understand… I mean… he’s come close to killing me one or two times… but uh… Yeah… Guess I’ll just hang back and help Elise.”

Pinkie nodded. “Good! Make sure she makes it out of this one alive.”

Chris smiled. “I guess that’s sort of my job…” He gave Pinkie a serious look. “Go save Dan… and take care of yourself, Pinkie.”

Pinkie nodded. “I will…”

Elise slowly raised her hand, desperately trying to keep it steady as she focused her eyes on Magnifico. “Me… I volunteer.”

Magnifico grinned. “Elise! It’s been a spell.”

“You stole that line from Dan, you jerk!” Pinkie cried out as she continued to walk away.

Magnifico glared off into the warehouse. “HE DOESN’T HAVE A MONOPOLY ON MAGIC PUNS!”

Elise reached into her coat. “I should have done this the night Dan embarrassed you at your show.”

Magnifico smiled as he reached for either side of the open coat over his bare chest. “Abra…cadabra!” 

The silver jewelry on Magnifico’s chest jingled as white doves flew from his open jacket, heading straight for Elise.

“Wha!” Elise cried out in alarm as she frantically pulled a boxy pistol from her suit jacket.

‘BANG!’

Elise’s pistol went off, firing wildly into the air before she dropped it. She put her hands in front of her face as the doves coming towards her scattered.

Magnifico chuckled darkly. “You dropped your little gun, Elise.”

Elise narrowed her eyes. “It’s fine, I have lots more… Bigger ones, too.”

“Oh, I’m sure…” Magnifico replied. “For my next trick…” He stepped down hard on the stage and suddenly the warehouse itself began to shake.

“Beautiful…?” Chris said.

“Don’t worry!” Elise cried as she reached her hand into her coat again. “I got this under contro—”

Elise’s eyes went wide as she watched her assault rifle fly from her coat; this was followed by several other firearms and large, medieval weaponry that all landed on the stage as a large metal pole wrapped in copper wiring rose from below the stage. Each item soon slid across the floor of the strange and clung to the pole.

“Che…cheap trick…” Elise uttered. She tried to force her body to stop shaking, but she couldn’t shake the feeling she was once again helpless to the whims of the man in front of her.

“Cheap?” Magnifico said as he raised an eyebrow. “I’ll have you know this is one expensive arcane artifact.”

Chris squinted at the item. “Is that an electromagnet?”

Magnifico sighed. “I suppose that’s one way to describe it. Congratulations, you learned one more secret about magic.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out his wand. “Too bad it’ll be your last.”

Elise reached into her jacket, her hands shaking. She checked her pocket for the small, round compact mirror. Much to her relief, the item was still present. She pressed the button to open it and slowly began to pull it out of her coat. I sure hope Twilight is fast on the draw… I know Magnifico is a magician, but showing off I have a magic mirror with a winged purple unicorn who can fire magic out of it to someone this famous probably wouldn’t end well.

Chris placed his hand in front of Elise.

“Chris, what are you…”

“I got this under control, honey.”

“WHAT?!” Elise cried. “Chris, you don’t even have laundry under control most the time!”

Chris turned and smiled. “Look… I may not have sciencey potions, or know what chemicals will make an animal shoot radioactive fire out of its nose… but I do have lots of experience with lunatics who want to kill me for whatever reason.”

“Oh… alright, honey…” Elise said in an unsure tone. “Just be careful.”

Chris stood in front of Elise. “Don’t worry. This experience has taught me something… and I think I’d like to share it with Magnifico.” Chris looked up and narrowed his eyes at Magnifico.

Magnifico grinned. “Volunteering to be the first one shocked to death, how noble. I suppose I… Wait what are you doing…?” Magnifico stared down at Chris in confusion as Chris bent down and raised his foot up in front of him.

“I’m taking off my shoe,” Chris explained as he removed his loafer.

“Okay… but wh—”

‘THWIP!’

Chris’s shoe sailed through the air, spinning as it reached its target.

‘THUMP!’

“OW!”

Chris’s shoe bounced off Magnifico’s forehead.

Magnifico brought his hand up and rubbed the spot the shoe had just hit. “That really hurts! I’m going to have a lump there, you idiot!” Magnifico held his hands up and to his sides. “Who throws a shoe?! Honestly.”

‘THWIP!’

‘WHACK!’

Chris’s next shoe was right on target, knocking Magnifico’s wand right out of his hand.

“AH!” Magnifico cried in alarm as a red and a black wire dangled from his sleeve. He quickly opened his jacket revealing a knob which he turned to the off position. He breathed a sigh of relief and turned towards the front of the stage.

Chris was now standing a couple feet away from him, towering over the magician and glaring down at him.

Magnifico quickly raised his hand towards Chris’s face, but Chris swiftly wrapped his own hand around Magnifico’s forearm. Chris followed this up by pulling Magnifico’s jacket sleeve down slightly, and grabbing the tiny spray vial of chloroform around his wrist.

Magnifico looked on as Chris casually discarded the vial off the stage. He swallowed as Chris turned back and leveled an angry glare at him.

Magnifico looked up nervously and reached into his coat, pulling out a deck of cards. “Want to see a card trick?” he asked with a nervous grin.

‘POW!’

Cards went everywhere as Chris delivered a blow directly into Magnifico’s face.

“That’s for traumatizing my wife, you creep!”

Magnifico rubbed the cheek that had just been punched. “Alright, sorry about that. I mean… I probably was a little rough on an eight year—”

‘POW!’

Magnifico fell backwards as Chris punched him again.

“And that’s for trying to kill her just now.”

Magnifico groaned as Chris leaned down and gripped the edge of his jacket tightly. He pulled Magnifico up with his one hand as he pulled the other back and clenched it into a fist. “And this is just because I never got to hit you way back when you stole my great-great-grandmother’s necklace.”

“Chris, wait…”

Chris paused as Elise walked up behind him. “Uh… Hey, beautiful… just uh… violently defending your honor.”

Elise placed a hand on Chris’s shoulder. “I know and you did a great, job. But I think you’re done…”

Chris frowned. “Oh… okay…”

Elise gently pushed Chris back as she leaned down to grab Magnifico’s arm.

Chris’s frown only increased as his wife helped Magnifico to his feet.

“Tha… thanks, Elise…” Magnifico said as he woozily raised a hand to the side of his head. “I hope we can put all this traumatizing and attempting to kill each other business behi—”

Elise suddenly jumped straight up, spinning her body as she extended a foot.

“HAI-YA!”

‘THWACK!’

Magnifico went sailing off the stage as Elise kicked him in the head. He landed with a hard ‘thump’ on the ground below.

Elise looked up at Chris and smiled. “Sorry, I wanted a turn before you knocked him unconscious. Now what the heck was up with all that talk about animals and radiation and stuff?”

Chris’s cheeks turned slightly red. “Oh well… I mean… You and Jean just seemed to hit it off so well… and er… he’s been so useful tonight… it seems like all I do is drive the car… I’m not even that good at it…”

Elise’s eyes opened wide as realization set in. “Chris… you’re jealous of Jean?!”

Chris sighed. “He’s just so smart… and I’m… well…” Chris trailed off as if his intelligence pretty much spoke for itself.

“Chris, if I tried to date Jean, I’d probably end up fifty feet tall and firing who-knows-what out of a random orifice within a few days.”

“I… uh… You think?”

Elise smiled at Chris. “Look, Jean is smart, and he’s very nice. Easily the nicest mad scientist type I’ve ever met.” Elise’s smile dropped to a serious look. “But he’s still a mad scientist, and believe me, those are not the funnest types in the world to date. Besides, Jean doesn’t have what I’m looking for in a long-term relationship.”

“He doesn’t?”

“No!” Elise insisted, her smile returning. She reached a hand up and lovingly stroked Chris’s cheek. “I want someone who’s stable… mentally especially… My work is so crazy, so unpredictable. My social life is crazy and unpredictable. Chris, I need someone who will always be there for me, who will put up with the more bizarre aspects of my life.”

Chris frowned. “I’m sure Jean would understand, I mean… you have the experimenting thing in common.”

Elise frowned but kept her hand on Chris’s cheek. “I also need someone who won’t stick a needle in me while I’m sleeping and inject me with something just to see what it does.” Elise shook her head. “Look Chris… I’m not going to pretend I think you’re the smartest person out there, or even the smartest person I’ve dated…” Elise held a palm up matter of factually. “I mean, I’ve dated many guys with multiple PhDs—”

Chris scrunched his brow slightly and gave a small frown. “You’re going somewhere with this, right?”

Elise nodded. “Absolutely! While you may not be the smartest person I know, you’re certainly the most gentle, kindest person I know. You’ve treated me with a respect and adoration I’ve never gotten from another person ever before… Including my own family… Especially my own family. You may be the only person I’ve known who’s really loved me for me. Plus, you just beat up the person who caused my traumatic childhood fear! So what if you don’t know what molecular structures compose DNA?”

“Elise, I can’t even remember what ‘DNA’ stands for…”

“DeoxyriboNucleic Acid,” Elise informed. She waved a hand about dismissively. “Uh… but that’s not important. What is important is that you love me with all your heart and I love you. What’s important is you’re someone I want to be with for the rest of my life and start a family with.”

Chris smiled and reached up for Elise’s hand, clasping it in his own. “So we’re back to wanting children? I thought we were taking care of Dan?”

Elise shook his head. “He has Pinkie for that, and a lot more friends… I think… maybe… just maybe we should try thinking about ourselves and what we want to do with our own lives again…”

‘CRAASSSSSSSSSCHCHCHCH!’

Elise and Chris jumped slightly as a robot and giant bat burst through a window across the warehouse and fell to the floor. Tangled to the robot with copious amounts of dental floss, the bat released an ear-piercing shriek directly into the red ‘eye’ of the robot. The eye cracked and went dim, and the robot ceased its struggling.

Elise frowned as she stared down at the tangled mess of broken robot and bat attempting to squirm its way free. “You know… assuming those lives continue past tonight…”

Chris smiled and leaned down, moving his face close to Elise’s. “Well… better make the most of the time we have.”

Elise smiled, closed her eyes, and leaned up slightly.

“Elise…?” Twilight’s small voice called out from inside Elise’s jacket. “Are you alright…? I heard you open the mirror on your end, but it’s dark and…” Twilight paused as she heard a familiar sound of content hums and lips smacking.

“Are you making out with Chris?!” Twilight cried. “Ugh! Can’t I have at least one magic dimensional communication mirror where I don’t have to listen to the sounds of people lip wrestling all the time?!”

-ooo-<

Jean snickered as he looked past Dr. Pullum to the mess of metal behind him. “Geez, can’t you make robots that don’t break over the littlest thing?! I mean you’ve been at it for years and you still can’t—”

‘POW!’

Jean was cut short as Dr. Pullum drove a gloved fist into the side of his face. He quickly raised a hand up to his cheek and glared at Dr. Pullum. “That was a cheap shot, Jackie.”

“I’m a villain, remember?” Dr. Pullum replied. “And while you spent your days cooped up in a lab, randomly combining chemicals and applying them to vermin, I’ve been keeping in shape.”

Jean cocked his head slightly. “What the heck does… does working out have to do with being a dentist?”

Dr. Pullum sent another fist straight into Jean’s mouth.

‘CRACK!’

Jean clamped down on his teeth hard as the blow hit. He felt something small and solid in his mouth. He spit into his hand and examined a small bit of blood around a small white object that he identified as a chip from a tooth. “Right… sorry I ask—”

‘WHACK!’

Jean was sent reeling towards the barrier behind him as Dr. Pullum hit him with the blunt side of his staff.

Jean woozily looked up and glared at Dr. Pullum. “You’re going to wish you hadn’t done that.”

Dr. Pullum grinned wide, showing off his mouth full of eerily perfect teeth. “Oh, I doubt that… Even if you have another animal to call on, you know I can defend myself, unlike certain others I can name.”

Jean rolled down his left sleeve past his elbow then reached into his coat and pulled out a syringe full of a neon green liquid. “Don’t be so sure about that. Come any closer and you’ll find out just what this does.”

Dr. Pullum turned his staff vertically and put it on the ground, leaning his weight against it. The sound of ocean water shifting just behind the barrier filled the night air as the bats and robots behind Dr. Pullum went quiet.

Jean raised an eyebrow. “Give up?”

Dr. Pullum shook his head. “No, I’m curious to see what happens when you inject yourself with that. You didn’t even tell me what it’ll do to you, so I’m guessing there’s about a fifty percent chance it just makes you sick or kills you.”

“What?!” Jean cried. “Why would I inject myself with something like that?!”

Dr. Pullum grinned. “Because you’re youand desperate! More often than not you had no clue what your little potions did exactly.” His grin soon turned into an angry glare. “You just lucked out with your animal subjects and they usually ended up growing to several times their size or shooting rays out their eyes…” His grin returned. “But humans weren’t your forte, Splicer… and this isn’t university.” Dr. Pullum’s face suddenly went serious. “This is the real world were an angry man can catch wise to your alter-ego and ruindecades of hard work with a power drill!” Dr. Pullum leaned his head down slightly, his helmeted casting dark shadows over his face. “So just take that syringe and pump your veins full of whatever that is… Let’s see how well your luck works when it’s your life and not just mid-terms on the line!”

Jean’s eyes widened slightly as he stared up at Dr. Pullum. His right hand began to shake slightly as he brought the needle closer to his left arm.

“Hesitant?” Dr. Pullum asked with a grin. He suddenly raised his staff high above his head as if preparing to strike with it. “Maybe I can encourage you. Go ahead and inject yourself, Jean. You’ll at least have some chance against me that way.”

Jean narrowed his eyes. “Killing me like this won’t prove you’re better than me… My bats still destroyed your robots!”

Dr. Pullum raised an eyebrow, “Yes, and I took out your bats, made them a threat onto themselves, physically overpowered you, and am about to skewer your brain on the end of a giant dental tool. Jean, if that’s not proving you’re better than someone, I don’t know what is.”

Jean merely stared up dumbly at Dr. Pullum. “Uhhh…”

“You better hope that syringe gives you super strength, Jean,” Dr. Pullum’s smile opened into a massive malevolent grin. “Personally, I’m hoping it makes your death agonizing and painful.”

“You’re willing to take that chance?”

“I haven’t stabbed you in the head yet, have I?”

Jean sighed. “No, I suppose you haven’t…” He slowly inched the needle closer to his arm until he could feel a slight prick against his skin. Both he and Dr. Pullum looked down with intense interest at the syringe as Jean held the needle against his arm.

‘PACHOOOOOM!’

Without warning, a purple bolt of energy slammed into Dr. Pullum.

“WHAAAA!” he cried as he flew over Jean’s head and over the barrier.

‘SPLASH!’

Jean looked up as he pulled the syringe from his arm. Chris and Elise casually walked over the strewn bits of robots, taking care to avoid stepping on any of the exhausted bats that were stirring amongst the debris.

“But… but I had him!” Jean insisted as he placed the syringe full of the unknown liquid back in his jacket.

Elise chuckled to herself as she removed her hand from out of her jacket. “Sure you did.”

Jean sighed as Chris approached with a smile and an offered hand.

Jean took the hand, allowing Chris to help him up. He turned and stared off into the ocean. “He’s never going to let me hear the end of this.”

“AAAHHH! SHARK! SHARK!”

Jean squinted as he watched Dr. Pullum rapidly swim through the water, a big grey shark fin behind him.

“… If he lives, that is…” Jean added.

Chris also squinted as he stared out into the water. “Is that Greg?”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “Greg?”

Chris rubbed his chin. “No wait, Dan settled on Chompy after we stole him from the aquarium…”

Elise held up her hands. “Whoa! The less you tell me, the less I might have to testify against you in court.”

Chris chuckled. “Fair enough…”

Jean looked at Chris in awe. “You and Dan stole a shark from the aquarium?”

Chris shrugged. “Yeah… You see, Dan was angry at the beach, and—”

Jean quickly waved a hand about dismissively. “The reason doesn’t matter… You just must tell me how you two managed to steal a shark that size!”

Chris’s face lit up. “Well, first we dipped crossbow bolts in tranquilizer and…”

Elise put her hands over her ears as she took a few steps in front of Chris and Jean, leading the way down the line of warehouses. Though her ears made it so she couldn’t track the conversation, she could hear the cheerful conversation behind her. Elise smiled to herself.

-ooo-

“Meow?” Mr. Mumbles mewed as Pinkie jogged on, holding the device Elise had given her in front of her face.

“We’ll be there soon, Mr. Mumbles,” Pinkie replied. “Just so long as we don’t run into—”

“Hold it right there, half-a-brain!”

“OH, COME ON!” Pinkie shouted at the sky as she stopped running. “I never even finished my sentence!” Pinkie looked down and glared at a familiar bald, muscular man dressed in black.

He scowled at her. “I’ve been sent to—”

“JUST SHUT UP!” Pinkie said as her eye twitched and she gritted her teeth. “I’M A PENT-UP BALL OF RAGE AND A WHOLE BUNCHA OTHER STUFF YOU DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH AT THE MOMENT. I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND THAT WOLF-MAN SO I CAN HACK HIS LIMBS OFF AND BEAT HIM WITH THEM BEFORE HE BLEEDS TO DEATH! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!”

The large man blinked a few times. “—uh… I’ve actually been sent to escor—”

“Pinkie?” a masculine voice called out from behind.

Pinkie turned. “Sarge?”

“Hey Pinkie,” Sarge said with a smile as he walked up with a slight limp. His black jacket was torn almost to shreds and hung loosely off him. The jacket arm he had let go limp because of his cast was now completely missing. “I got here as fast I could… Sorry, I took so long. Things got really crazy! You see there was a dinosaur that attacked town, and…”

Pinkie held up her hand. “Sarge, I’m sorry, but I just don’t care… But you’re a big guy…”

“Uh… Yes, that is a thing people say about me.”

Pinkie pointed behind her with a thumb at the large man in black. “He’s a big guy…”

Sarge tilted his head slightly. “Yes, I would also say that about him.”

Pinkie nodded. “So you two just have a big guy fight while I go rescue, Dan. Okay?”

Sarge puffed out his lower lip. “But I didn’t even get to tell you about the best part…”

“Tell me later!” Pinkie cried as she bounded off. “I need to deliver this chainsaw into a wolf-man’s chest cavity!”

“Oh… alright…” Sarge said in a disappointed tone.

The man in black threw a glance at Pinkie as she ran off, then turned towards Sarge.

Sarge just stared back at him. “So uh… do we gotta fight, or what?”

The large man nodded. “Yeah, you ain’t supposed to be here.”

Sarge frowned. “Alright, but… I have you at a severe disadvantage.”

The large man cocked an eyebrow. “Seriously? You have one arm in a cast and you’re all banged up.”

Sarge reached into his coat and pulled out a bell. “Yes, but I have this.”

The large man flicked his wrist and he was suddenly holding a wand. “Yeah, but I have this… It shoots lightning, real lightning.”

Sarge chuckled. “Well, if I intended to fight you myself, you’d probably win. With a broken wing and me all busted up like this, I’m not quite up for bell-to-wand combat at the moment.” Sarge held his bell downward and gave it a few rings. “But I guess I at least get to show you the best part of my night.”

The large man rolled his eyes. “Someone dropped a twenty in your donation bucket?”

‘Thom!’

‘Thom!’

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

The large man paused and looked down as the ground shook in rhythm to a stomping sound.

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

A sound that was getting closer and closer.

The large man’s eyes went wide as the stomping stopped. He swallowed as he felt heavy breathing on his back. He turned and was suddenly face to snout with a big green tyrannosaurus-rex.

‘ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!’

“AAAAAAAAA!” The large man screamed before he turned and broke into a sprint.

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

Tyra bounded off after him, a hungry look on her face.

Sarge raised put his bell back in his tattered jacket and raised a hand up to his mouth to try to amplify his voice. “No, the best part of the night is that I tamed a dinosaur!”

-ooo-

Pinkie slipped Elise’s device into her pink handbag as she stared at the door in front of her. “Welp… this is it.”

“Meow,” Mr. Mumbles replied.

Pinkie bent down, lowered her chainsaw case, and extended her other arm to the ground. “You might want to get off for a second… this could get bumpy otherwise.”

Mr. Mumbles complied, bounding down Pinkie’s arm and onto the ground. She looked up and wagged her tail back and forth as Pinkie took a few steps back from the door.

Pinkie shifted her body so her shoulder was now facing the door. She then shifted her weight back, then forward quickly.

‘CRUNCH!’

The door’s hinges gave way as a pink blur smashed into it. It fell forward with a ‘THUD!’ into the dark warehouse as Pinkie bent down to retrieve her chainsaw case.

Pinkie walked on top of the fallen door, Mr. Mumbles bounding behind her. Pinkie’s eyes caught a single light illuminating an empty patch of concrete. Aside from this and large windows that lined the top of the warehouse, the rest was darkness.

“… That door wasn’t locked or anything… but that was a nice entrance…” a masculine voice called out from the darkness.

Pinkie scowled past the single light source. “SHUT UP! I’ve had to deal with just so much obnoxious interruptions tonight! I’m not putting up your sarcasm!”

Dan* chuckled as he stepped into the light, once again clothed in his blue shirt, tie, and jeans. “Alright, I suppose I have done a good job of making sure things were as difficult for you as possible.”

“Hey!” Pinkie said. “How come you aren’t all fuzzy and growly and stuff?”

Dan* pointed up towards a large window in the warehouse.

Pinkie looked out, noticing a bright patch of clouds.

“The moon’s a little covered at the moment,” Dan* said. “Don’t worry though, just a few minutes and we can have the big showdown you’ve been waiting for… if you live that long, of course.”

“Can you just stop being cryptic and show me what you’re talking about?! I just want to murder you, rescue my boyfriend, and then lock ourselves alone in our bedroom for like… an entire day.”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles said in protest.

Pinkie glared down at the grey cat by her feet. “Oh whatever! You’ll have the TV all to yourself! What do you care?” She looked back up at Dan*. “Seriously! Just show me what stupid thing is supposed to be my doom so I can rip it to shreds before I rip you to shreds.”

Dan* motioned with a hand. “Well… since you asked nicely…”

Another light flickered on. Sunset Shimmer and Helen stood in front of a dangling Dan, who continued to hang from shackles bolted to the wall behind him.

Helen held up a katana menacingly. “Hello again, pink-haired girl.” She pointed her katana out at Pinkie. “You and I have unfinished business.”

Sunset held a baton in front of her. “And I guess… I’m going to hit you in the shins for the whole trophy and leaving me to die of hypothermia thing…”

“Dan!” Pinkie cried out.

“Hey!” Helen protested. “I’m literally here to kill you! Pay attention to me!”

Sunset raised a palm to her face. “She just found her boyfriend alive and relatively well, you idiot! Of course she doesn’t give a lamb you’re here!”

Dan looked up with an unusually happy expression. “Hey, Goofball!”

“Hey, Dan!” Pinkie said in chipper tone as she waved. “I’m going to murder the heck out of this guy who looks like you and then you and I are going to have mad smoochies!”

Dan grinned. “You’re the best girlfriend ever…”

Pinkie giggled to herself. “Hehehe… Yeah… I know…”

“I’d help,” Dan said. “But I think I’m pumped full of morphine at the moment… Magic power fist isn’t working so good…”

“That’s okay!” Pinkie said. “I’m ticked off enough for the both of us!” With that, Pinkie quickly opened the clasps on her chainsaw case allowing it to fall to the ground. She quickly raised her red chainsaw to her face, gripped the starter in her teeth, and yanked her head back as she pulled the chainsaw forward.

The chainsaw roared to life.

‘BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrNnnNNNnNNNN!’

Sunset’s eyes went wide. “I’m out!” she announced as she dropped her baton and held her hands up in front of her.

The baton clattered on the ground below.

“What?!” Helen cried. “You coward!”

Sunset just rolled her eyes.

“Just like that, huh?” Dan* asked.

Sunset nodded at Dan*. “I just brought a police baton to a chain-saw fight! I think I’m just going to leave and hope I’m squarezees with these two…”

Pinkie looked at Sunset in disbelief. “… Really? You don’t want have some epic showdown with me?”

“Shell no!” Sunset cried. “I can’t even begin to tell you how pupping tired I am of this whole thing! I just want to go home, take a nice relaxing bath, and unwind.” She pursed her lips slightly. “Why? You’re not disappointed I don’t want to fight, are you?”

Pinkie waved a hand about. “No, no, no! By all means! Leave! You’re just the first person today to cut me a break in all this.”

Sunset waved as she walked off towards a door with an illuminated red exit sign above it. “Well, I’ve done enough damage over a silly trophy, a boyfriend who hated me, and almost dying…” She glanced over her shoulder at Dan*. “Hey, if you’re not completely murdered by the end of this, give me a call, alright?”

Dan* smiled as he raised a hand, curling his index, middle, and ring finger as he extended his thumb and pinkie into something vaguely phone-shaped he brought up to his mouth and ear. “Will do.”

Sunset Shimmer walked towards the exit, opened the door, and stepped out into the night.

The door closed behind her.

Pinkie turned towards Dan. “Alright… Is it just me, or does she have ketchup-and-mustard hair?”

Dan smiled. “I said the exact same thing a while ago!”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… I know, right! I just want to take a corndog and dip it in her hair!”

“HEY!” Helen cried as she brandished her sword. “Condiment hair may not want a piece of you, but I’m finally going to have my revenge!”

“Right! Brutal murder!” Pinkie said as she began walking up to Helen. “I’ll get right on that…”

Helen raised her sword. “Oh, you’ll be on it alright.”

-o-

Sunset Shimmer walked briskly past warehouses and light poles, not even bothering to pause as the sound of a chainsaw engine from the warehouse behind her came to life. This was soon followed by the sound of a window breaking and a woman’s scream that seemed to get closer and closer.

Sunset looked behind her, and casually stepped to her side as the spot she was standing on just moments before brought a quick end to someone’s short flight from the warehouse.

Sunset leaned down and smiled at the woman lying in a broken, bloody heap on the concrete. “Why Helen, would you like a ride to the hospital?”

Helen moaned and opened her eyes. “… Yes, please…” she replied.

Sunset nodded. “Alright, but if you bleed on my seats, you’re paying to have them reupholstered.”

Sunset Shimmer grabbed Helen’s hand and began dragging her away down the long line of warehouses.

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 147 Pinkie Vs. Wolf-Man

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Chapter 147 Pinkie Vs. Wolf-Man

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Chapter 147 Pinkie Vs. Wolf-Man

-oooooo-

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

Sunset Shimmer sighed heavily as she watched a well-toned bald man in a black outfit run by followed by a large, green tyrannosaurus.

“This night just keeps getting worse and worse…” she muttered.

The beaten and bleeding woman she dragged behind her moaned in response.

“Shut up, Helen!” Sunset snapped as she trudged onward. “No one asked you!” She grumbled to herself, loathing the heavy vibrations of the beast stomping on the ground below, the screams, and the occasional roar that filled the night air.

“Whoa there!” A masculine voice called out. “This is no place for two young ladies to be.”

Sunset glanced up at the screaming man in black being chased by the dinosaur and rolled her eyes. “You don‘t say.” She looked up at the muscular man in a tattered black jacket with his right arm in a cast. “Well, we were just on our way out,” Sunset said.

Sarge pointed his bell at Helen. “Uh… your friend their looks like she’s in immediate need of medical attention.”

Sunset’s eye twitched. “First of all, she’s not my friend. Second of all, I’m working on it.”

Helen slowly rose her head to give Sunset a pained expression. “Cough… cough… Not fast enough... I’d cough… say…”

Sunset turned and glared angrily at Helen. “Sorry that it’s a long walk to my car! You can help, you know!”

“Cough… I really can’t!” Helen replied. “I think I’m dying… So… faster would be good.”

Sarge frowned heavily. “I have to agree with the injured lady there. She’s lost a lot of blood by the looks of things.”

“She still has most of it!” Sunset snapped. “LOOK! All I want to do is load this heap of bleeding boring into my car, drive by the hospital, push her out the door as I speed by the E.R. entrance—”

Helen’s eyes went wide. “Wait, what?”

“—and go home to unwind! Is that so much to ask?”

Sarge gave Sunset a blank look. “I’ll make sure Tyra leaves you two alone.”

“Thank you!” Sunset said harshly through gritted teeth as she dragged Helen along.

Helen leaned her head back and tried to catch Sunset Shimmer’s eye as she was dragged along the concrete ground. “Cough… You’re not really going to—”

“Oh, what the shell is going on now?!” Sunset cried.

Helen frowned. “I just don’t want—”

“Not you!” Sunset pointed forward. “THEM!”

“Hey!” a man’s voice called out. “It’s that ice-skating girl that beat up Amber and the waitress Pinkie used to pick on!”

“Oh my god!” Sunset exclaimed as she raised a palm to her face.

Helen gritted her teeth and narrowed her eyes. “Pinkie…” she uttered in a tone of absolute contempt.

Sunset sighed heavily. “You are so lucky I don’t just chuck you over the docks into the water…”

Chris, Elise, and Jean all cautiously walked up to Sunset and Helen.

Elise narrowed her eyes at Sunset. “Where’s Pink—”

Sunset turned and pointed down the rows of warehouses. “Second to last warehouse on the right…” She glanced up at the sky. A gentle breeze had almost pushed the clouds out of the way of the full moon. “Probably fighting a werewolf by the time you get there…”

“Oh…” Elise said simply as she and Chris’s put on matching surprised looks. She nodded at Helen. “Pinkie’s handiwork?”

Helen gritted her teeth and narrowed her eyes. “Pinkie…”

Sunset glared down at Helen. “STOP THAT!” She looked back up at Elise and nodded. “Yeah, Helen here tried to have a showdown with your pink-haired friend… didn’t work out for her.”

“And you?” Elise asked.

“I got out while the getting was good,” Sunset answered. “I mean… I helped kidnapped the girl’s boyfriend and helped almost blow her up with a TV bomb… I figure we’re about even for the whole ice-skating thing.”

“Huh…” Elise and Chris uttered simultaneously.

“What?!” Sunset cried. “I’m not allowed to make sensible decisions regarding my pupping vendettas?!”

Elise, Chris, and Jean all raised their eyebrows at the word ‘pupping’.

Chris shrugged. “It just seems like its revenge night and everyone’s seeing theirs through until it’s all wrapped up.”

Sunset dropped the arm she was holding.

“OW!”

“Yeah?” Sunset cried as she motioned out emphatically with her arms. “Well mine’s pupping wrapped up in a neat little package! There’s a lamb bow on it and everything! It’s already under the tree with the other god lamb Christmas presents!”

Jean frowned. “I was never very good at gift wrapping…”

Chris turned towards Jean. “Yeah… Thank heaven for gift bags, right?”

“Sunset… cough… it’s June…” Helen informed.

Sunset gave a long groan almost as if she was trying to force her soul out of her mouth. She turned towards Elise. “Can I pupping go now? I think everyone here is giving me an aneurysm.”

Elise nodded, then motioned for Chris and Jean to follow her. “Come on…”

“You sure this is a good idea?” Chris asked. “Pinkie’s the only one really equipped for a wolf-man…”

Elise smirked. “I may not have my weapons, but I still have my plastic explosives and enough robot parts to get a detonator working.”

Jean reached into his coat and pulled out a syringe full of neon-green liquid. “And I have this!”

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “Any idea what it does?”

“None whatsoever!” Jean answered in a chipper tone.

Sunset watched the trio ran off, shrugged, and bent down to grab Helen’s arm again.

“Cough… You’re not going to warn him… er… Asterisk?”

“He’s supposedly got all this stuff planned out…” Sunset uttered as she stared down the docks and dragged Helen along.

“Yeah but… cough… you know there’s a bunch of stuff he didn’t plan for that… cough… cough… happened…”

Sunset sighed and shook her head. “I don’t know… He’s really let this whole obsession with those two completely consume him. And for a while I thought I understood it. Shell… I walked right into that pink girl’s work just so I could trash her… but that was like…Oh I don’t know… Just me stewing in my anger for a bit then decided to quickly do something? It didn’t work out, but at least I only lost an evening over it and had a headache and some bruises to deal with.

“But Asterisk, he’s lost months of his life trying to figuring out how to get just this one guy and now his girlfriend. He has his reasons, sure… but I don’t know… He kind of started this whole mess himself? And he could have cut his losses and walked away at basically any point. Yet he still finds himself compelled to spend a fortune and all his time on one guy who I think just wants to live with his girlfriend… Maybe Asteriskneeds to have this blow up in his face…”

“Literally?”

“He’s a werewolf… I’m sure he’ll make it out somehow…”

The sound of metal rattling suddenly joined the sound of a body being dragged over concrete.

“Ow… ow! Sunset! The ground is covered in hooks and robot parts!”

“I know!” Sunset answered cheerfully. “Good thing I wear boots.”

“Ugh… You’re the worst…”

Sunset chuckled to herself and continued dragging Helen through the piles of robot parts. Soon the pair where out of the robot parts and onto a part of the docks that was covered in rust-colored dust.

“Well that’s depressing…” Sunset uttered.

“Uhg… What…? Oh…” Helen said, trailing off as her eyes landed right on Fairy Girl’s body.

 Sunset dragged Helen over to where Fairy Girl laid and peered down at the fallen woman.

“Is she… cough…”

Sunset nudged Fairy Girl’s body with her boot. “As a doornail…” she replied.

“What about her?” Helen asked as she motioned with her head towards the motionless woman in power armor.

“What about her?” Sunset replied snarkily.

Elise Sr. suddenly broke into a harsh sounding coughing fit.  “Cough… hrrchch… cough…”

Sunset glared down at Helen. “You just had to call attention to her, didn’t you?! Are you trying to drag this whole thing on until you expire of blood loss? ‘Cause if you’re just going to die on me, I’ll just lea—”

Elise Sr. cut off Sunset with another small coughing fit. “Cough… hack… cough… Are you… are you here to finish me off?”

Sunset turned and cocked an eyebrow. “If by that you mean completely ignore you and go home, then yes, I am absolutely going to do that thing I said and not the thing you said.”

Helen shot Sunset a confused look. “… That made like… cough… no sense…”

Sunset glared down at Helen once again. “Seriously! Do you want to get yourself to the hospital?!”

“… I’ll be good.”

Elise Sr. woozily stood to her feet, almost falling back over as the heavy load of power armor threatened to bring her back to the ground. She stared at Fairy Girl. “So… she wasn’t a friend of yours then?”

Sunset shrugged. “Well… she kinda was… or is rather… I mean… I doubt she’s any deader than she was the last time someone quote ‘killed her’ unquote.”

Helen looked up at Sunset. “Cough… What? That’s not how…”

Sunset let out a small “grrr” of frustration.

Helen immediately closed her mouth.

Elise Sr. narrowed her eyes at Fairy Girl’s corpse. “Wait… So, Fairy Girl is like… some sort of clone created by her crime organization decades ago…? And they’re just goin’ to make another one?”

Sunset stared at Elise Sr. and blinked a few times. “… Okay… just… what?”

Elise Sr. opened her mouth to speak, but Sunset quickly raised her hand.

“You know what?” Sunset said. “Yes, let’s go with that… Fairy Girl is a clone and someone is just going to make another one of her.”

Elise Sr. frowned. “Then I’ll have to track down and destroy the lab they keep making her in to keep my number two spot.”

“Yeah, good luck with all that…” Sunset said divisively as she began to drag Helen away. “I need to drop this little idiot off at the hospital now…”

Elise Sr. turned and called out to Sunset as she trudged away, “Say, did you see…”

Sunset turned her head slightly. “Second to last warehouse on the right!” she shouted back.

“Thank you!”

“Whatever…” Sunset uttered.

Helen looked up at Sunset with a concerned expression. “Cough… cough… You’re not really just going to… cough… going to push me out of the car, are you?”

Sunset allowed herself a small smirk. “If you’re good, maybe…”

-ooo-<

“Can we fight now?” Pinkie whined. “Or do you have any other ridiculously obscure people or things from Dan’s and my past I have to mangle?!”

“You tell him, Pinkie!” Dan cheered from the wall.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbled mewed excitedly from by the fallen warehouse door.

Dan* smirked at Pinkie. “You know… I figured you’d show up with Chris. I have a little group here that’s dying to meet him again.”

Pinkie let out a groan. “If that’s an attempt at an undead pun, it sucks, you suck, and just bring out the stupid Aztec skeletons or whatever.”

Dan* chuckled and motioned with a hand.

A group of seven bleached white skeletons shambled from the darkness. Their golden jewelry jangled as they brandished weapons of stone and obsidian. They let out low, unearthly moans as they advanced on Pinkie.

“Ahhh... That takes me back…” Dan said in a wistful tone as he watched the skeletons march in. “I haven’t seen those guys since the last time I saw a wolf-man…”

‘BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrNnnnnnnnNNNnNNNN!’

Dan smiled as bits of bone and pieces of destroyed weapons flew past his face.

“And now they’re gone…” he said.

“Huh…” Dan* uttered with some hint of concern. “I thought that would take you longer…”

Dan turned to his look-alike. “They’re like… magic and undead, moron,” he said. “She has a silver-plated chainsaw! That was like… throwing kindling into a woodchipper…”

“And now I’m going to do the same to you…” Still hunched over her latest kills, Pinkie’s chainsaw idled as the light glinted off the bright silver chain. Without moving her body, she slowly tilted her head revealing a slasher smile she directed at Dan*

Dan* quickly threw his hands up. “Wait! Don’t you want to know why I did it? Why I resorted to kidnapping to kill you both instead of ruining you two?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “You realized after our last encounter that ruining our lives wasn’t going to work. That we had simply built up our own lives to force society to conform to us rather than the alternative, so there was nothing you could do within the binds of society’s laws. This lead to a sort of grim epiphany where you thought you could just operate outside the law much like we had and resort to violence and murder and then you’d finally be rid of us. I mean… come on! It was so obvious.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie cried in agreement as she began to march up with her chainsaw. “I mean, d’uuuuh! Geezy-cheesy! You make it out like that was super hard to figure out, or something!”

“WAIT!” Dan* cried desperately. “If you kill me, you’re no better than me!”

Dan and Pinkie simultaneously raised their eyebrows and shot each other glances. They turned back to Dan*. “Oh, grow up,” they said in unison.

Dan* tossed a look up at window above him and grinned. “I intend to.” Dan*’s muscles suddenly expanded, destroying his shirt and pants legs in the process as thick, brown fur covered his body.

--♫

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Oh no! He stalled long enough to transform.

--♫

“Shock and alarm.”

--♫

Dan*’s mouth grew out from his face, as his teeth extended into points.

--♫

Dan chuckled. “Kick his furry butt, Pinkie.”

--♫

Pinkie’s eye twitched as she gritted her teeth.

--♫

Her lips erupted into a bloodthirsty smile once more.

--♫

In a flash, Pinkie placed her sunglasses over her eyes. “Okie-dokie-lokie!” she said as she gripped the chainsaw’s pull handle and gave it a yank.

‘BRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrNnnnnNNNnNNNN!’

--♫

Pinkie pushed back on her heel and suddenly she was a blur of pink and silver.

--♫

Dan* barely sidestepped in time as silver-coated chainsaw teeth made a shallow cut across his chest.

--♫

Pinkie landed on the opposite side of Dan*, then launched herself at him once more.

--♫

This time Dan* crouched then swatted an arm upwards. Blood, fur and Pinkie went flying as the arm collided with her, sending her and her chainsaw flying off in different directions.

“PINKIE!” a feminine voice called out.

Pinkie pushed herself off the ground as Elise, Chris, and Jean walked over the broken door into the warehouse. She quickly stood to her feet, her left arm dangling loosely by her side.

“I’m fine!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she grabbed her left arm with her right and pulled it back into place.

“Just really ticked off!” Pinkie reached into her handbag and pulled out her silver-plated chef’s knife.

Dan* let out an inhuman growl as he focused yellow animal eyes on Pinkie.

Pinkie stared right back through her sunglasses, a trickle of blood falling from her lower lip that had begun to swell.

The two combatants charged one another. Pinkie once again turning into pink blur, Dan* turning into a brown one.

--♫

‘CRRRUUUNNNCH!’

Pinkie jumped as Dan* drove his massive fist downward into the concrete that broke around it.

--♫

Pinkie flipped and extended her knife, catching Dan* in the back.

--♫

Dan* howled in pain and turned, swinging an arm wide and catching Pinkie as she hit the ground.

--♫

‘THUMP!’

Pinkie flew through the air briefly, then tumbled to the ground before rolling back to her feet in a skidding halt.

--♫

“PINKIE!” Elise cried as she held up the red chain-saw.

--♫

Pinkie raised an arm as Elise lobbed the Pinkie’s chain saw over to her.

--♫

Dan* made a mad dash for Pinkie.

--♫

At the last moment, Pinkie leapt straight up as Dan* ran through the spot she had just occupied.

--♫

Pinkie landed, chainsaw in hand, starting handle in mouth.

--♫

Enraged eyes still fixed on Dan* from behind her sunglasses, Pinkie pulled the chainsaw forward and jerked her head back.

--♫

‘BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrNnnnnnnnNNNnNNNN!’

--♫

Dan* charged, claws at the ready.

--♫

Pinkie sprinted forward, chainsaw held above her.

--♫

Dan* swung high as Pinkie suddenly ducked low, slicing her chainsaw through his side.

--♫

Dan* howled in pain and turned just as Pinkie brought the blade towards him.

--♫

He quickly raised his paws, barely catching the blade and chain with his claws.

--♫

Dan*’s claws turned bright orange to the sound of metal bending and an engine whining.

--♫

The chainsaw blade bent and the chain broke sending pieces of metal in all directions.

--♫

Pinkie turned her face as metal shards tore through her cheek and sliced into her sunglass lenses.

--♫

Dan*’s eyes went wide as the hairy arms in front of him began to shrink and turn peach-colored.

--♫

Pinkie discarded her broken sunglasses and glared at Dan as she spit a mouth full of blood and metal out.

--♫

Dan* quickly raised a hand and motioned frantically with it.

--♫

A small figure suddenly leapt from the shadows, inserting itself in between Dan* and Pinkie.

Pinkie furrowed her brow at the new challenger. “Alright, cut the music!” she exclaimed.

“Music?” Chris uttered. “Wha—”

Pinkie turned towards Dan* and angrily motioned out to what was in front of her.

Something that looked like Dan, if Dan had a much a more toned body, wore shorts, and had the left side of his face replaced with metal and a glowing red eye, glowered menacingly at Pinkie.

“What… the… hell?!” Pinkie cried shrilly.

Despite his massive open wounds that seeped with blood, Dan* grinned at Pinkie. “Yes, I had one more ace up my sleeve. You mad?”

“YES, I MAD!” Pinkie pointed at the Dan android in front of her. “This whole stupid day has been one ridiculous interruption after another! There! I said it!” Pinkie pointed to herself. “ME! Pinkie Pie calling this whole thing ridiculous!”

Dan gave Pinkie a sympathetic look. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“NO I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!” Pinkie snapped. “I WANT TO FLY INTO A VIOLENT RAGE AND DESTROY EVERYTHING THAT GETS IN MY WAY! GRRRRRRRRRRR!”

Dan nodded. “Well, you know… When I get mad, I… uh… er… do exactly what you just said… So … Have at it… I guess.”

“No wait!” Chris shouted.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes into tiny slits as she turned towards Chris. “Chris, don’t say something stupid.”

“Chris, do what Pinkie says,” Dan added.

“I think… I think I need to fight this robot,” Chris said as he walked up to Pinkie and the Dan android.

“WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?” Pinkie exclaimed angrily.

“Seriously!” Dan chimed in. “She just told you not to say something stupid not more than five seconds before you did!”

The Dan android turned to the person who also wasn’t Dan, but also looked a lot like him. “… Er… Should I be doing something?” it asked in a deep, mechanical voice.

Dan*held up a palm as he held his other arm over his bare, bleeding chest. “No, let them sort this out… It’s just how they do things.” He began to walk over to where Dan was hanging on the wall.

Chris turned towards Dan… the Dan that looked like Dan and was, in fact, Dan. “It’s just that everyone else has had an epic showdown!”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “I think that includes you… I mean… you took out Magnifico.”

“See!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Wait…” Dan said raising an eyebrow. “You actually took out Magnifico?”

Chris’s face lit up. “I threw my shoes at him!”

“… And that worked?”

“And then I pummeled him into submission! With my fists!” Chris added proudly.

“… Cool!” Dan said with a smile. A smile that quickly returned to a grumpy expression. “But that still counts!”

“It DOES!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It totally, absolutely, completely does!”

“But I haven’t shouted at the sky or anything!” Chris whined. “When am I going to face my arch-nemesis?”

“Oh I don’t know,” Pinkie said. “Probably never because I dismembered their bony bodies with a silver-coated chain-saw!”

Chris gave Pinkie a serious look. “I’m sorry Pinkie, but this is just something I have to do…”

“It really isn’t!” Pinkie cried.

Chris balled his hands into fists…

“No! Stop that!” Dan demanded.

…threw his arms into the air…

“You stop that right now!” Dan continued.

…and shouted at the heavens.

“DAAAAAN AAAAAANDROOOOOOOOID!”ChrisVs.Dan Android

--It's been a long time comin'

Dan narrowed his eyes, his hands began to glow red. “Oh that is—”

--♫

“ENOUGH ALREADY!” Pinkie screamed.

--♫

She shot a death glare up towards the ceiling and reached up with both her hands. To everyone’s amazement, she plucked a massive black ‘V’ with a white outline out of the air and brought it down on the android’s head. She then repeated the motion over and over again sending metal pieces of the android’s face in all directions.

Chris let out an alarmed “Ah!” and moved just as a giant ‘S’ fell to the ground where he was just standing, this was followed by a period that bounced and rolled off into the warehouse.

Dan* watched as his metal trump card collapsed in a twitching heap on the warehouse floor. “What just… what just happened?”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Which part do you need explained? The part where my reality-warping girlfriend pulled the letter of the day out of thin air, or the part where you’re still not a werewolf and about ten seconds from being stabbed to death?”

Dan*’s eyes went wide as he looked down at his bare arms and then up at the once again cloud-covered moon.  He turned towards Pinkie, who held her head slightly askew as she stared out at him with wide open eyes. He quickly reached into the back pocket of his tattered jeans, pulled out a small red pocketknife, opened the blade and held it up towards Dan’s neck.

“Hey!” Dan protested.

Pinkie took a few steps closer.

Dan* narrowed his eyes and pressed the flat end of the knife against Dan’s neck.

Pinkie stopped and scrunched her brow as she shot Dan* a death glare.

Mr. Mumbles gave a concerned sounding. “Meeeerrooow…” as she bounded up towards Pinkie.

“Seriously?” Dan said. “A pocketknife? That’s your last—”

“SHUT UP!” Dan* exclaimed. “I’m not letting a month’s worth of hard work go to waste just because the weather didn’t cooperate and it turns out this psychotic girl can pull letters out of the sky!” He turned towards Pinkie and grinned smugly. “Dan and I are going to leave on a little trip now. Maybe we’ll try this again next month.”

Elise leveled an index finger at Dan*. “We are not letting you walk out of here with Dan!”

Chris looked at Elise in disbelief.

“What?” Elise said. “I mean… that was the whole point of this.”

“I know,” Chris said. “I’m just surprised to hear those words coming from you.”

Elise motioned to Pinkie. “I’m not putting up with that for an entire month!”

Pinkie gritted her teeth angrily as Mr. Mumbles rubbed herself against Pinkie’s leg, letting out the occasionally concerned “mew”.

Jean frowned. “Well, unless my syringe of mystery liquid will help, I’m out of ideas.”

Pinkie’s eyes widened again and turned towards Dan. “‘A’,” she said simply.

Dan paused for a moment then smiled slightly. “You tried that.”

“‘B’,” Pinkie continued.

Dan* looked between Pinkie and Dan suspiciously. “What are you to doing?”

Dan’s smile widened. “I think you’re missing a beekeepers suit and bees.”

Pinkie smiled as she bent down to pick up Mr. Mumbles. “‘C’?”

“Mew?”

Dan’s smile went supernova. “‘C’,” he answered.

Dan* narrowed his eyes. “You two better stop or—”

“MEERRRRROWWWWOWOWOWOOWOWOOOOWWWW!”

“AAAAAAHHHHH!”  Dan* instinctively raised his arms in front of his face as a panicking mass of fur, claws, and teeth was thrown at him. Soon he found himself trying to pry a startled cat off his already injured body.

“MmmerrrrooooweRRORROROOREREOWWWW!”

“OW! OW!Get OFF!” Dan* cried as he grabbed Mr. Mumbles by the scruff of her neck and tossed her to the ground.

Mr. Mumbles landed on her feat facing Dan* and gave him an angry “HISSSSSSSSSSS!”

Dan* sneered at the cat and looked up…

“You lose,” Dan said with chuckle.

… right into his own eyes reflected in a silver-plated chef’s knife held by Pinkie. He quickly took note that his own knife was now on the floor.

Pinkie glowered down menacingly at the short man.

Dan* forced a nervous smile as he slowly pulled out a set of keys from a front pocket. “So, I’ll just… uh… unlock your boyfriend’s shackles now…”

Pinkie nodded, but said nothing.

Dan* quickly brought the keys up to Dan’s metal shackles and unlocked one then the other.

There was a glint of metal catching the light, then Dan* felt a sharp pain in his back. “GHA!”

He collapsed to the floor, Pinkie’s chef knife lodged in his shoulder.

“PINKIE!” Dan cried excitedly as he wrapped eager arms around the woman in front of him.

“DAN!” Pinkie exclaimed as she too wrapped her arms around Dan.

Dan chuckled as the two pulled apart just enough to look each other in the face. “Did you go all Tarantino for me?”

Pinkie giggled. “I did.”

“That’s my Goofball…” Dan whispered, allowing his lips to brush against Pinkie’s. Pinkie felt a shiver go through her body as Dan leaned down and paced his lips against hers. The couple held each other tightly as they kissed for the first time in what seemed like months, despite less than a day having actually passed.

‘FFFFRRRRREEEEEE!’

Pinkie’s hair suddenly inflated back into its normally unruly curliness.

“Uh, Dan?” Jean said. “You’re standing on…”

“He knows…” Chris and Elsie said in unison.

From under Dan’s boots, Dan* groaned in pain.

Dan and Pinkie broke their kiss.

“Ohmygosh, Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Your teeth are crazy clean!”

Dan spit out a bit of blood and a small silver shard into his hand. “Ptooey… Wish I can say the same for you…”

Pinkie giggled. “Yeah… Sorry, I’m all bleedy and stuff from my epic showdown with the wolf-man.”

“Still…. Still here…” Dan* groaned.

Dan smiled wide at Pinkie. “How about, you, me, a bottle of Everclear, and some bandages?”

Pinkie extended the crook of her arm and giggled again. “Sounds like a romantic evening.”

Dan hooked his own arm around Pinkie’s as he stepped off his look-alike. Pinkie bent down and pulled out her knife, causing Dan* to yelp out in pain. Dan and Pinkie made their way back to the group as Mr. Mumbles quickly made her way up to Dan, leaping into his free arm as he extended it.

“So… uh…” Chris uttered. “Are either of you going to finish him off?”

Dan and Pinkie looked back at Dan* then at each other.

Dan shrugged. “Naw.”

“Naw?!” Chris and Elise exclaimed.

“But… but… he tried to kill you!” Chris exclaimed.

Elise nodded. “And Pinkie!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly. “Dan said, ‘naw’!”

Dan nodded. “Look… if this day has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes you have to stop, assess the situation, and cut your losses…” Dan leaned his head against Pinkie. “OR… you know… recognized you’ve won utterly.”

Pinkie giggled as she leaned her head against Dan’s.

The group all made their way over the fallen door and outside. The first rays of sunlight began to peak over the Los Angeles cityscape, bathing the warehouses in a soft, warm glow.

“Either way,” Dan continued. “Sometimes you just have to let these vendettas go. Eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind, and all that…”

Chris smiled wide as the group made their way out of the warehouse. “Wow, Dan! I’m really surprised to hear this from you! This is a big step for you.”

Dan nodded. “Yep, I’ve certainly learned a valuable life lesson.”

Pinkie smiled. “One that’s sure to have a drastic and marked change on Dan’s personality from here on out.”

The group continued walking, the warehouse they had just exited getting farther and farther away from them.

Elise sighed as she held up a small cylindrical item with a red button on the top. “Then I suppose neither of you will want this detonator to blow up all the C4 I arranged around the warehouse…”

“Gimme!” Dan cried as he snatched the detonator and immediately pressed the button.

‘KEEEEERRRRRSPLOOOOOOOD!’

Pinkie rolled her eyes, smile still on her face. “And then that happened.”

Chris’s jaw hung open. “What happened to all that talk of letting vendettas go?!” he cried as a few chunks of flaming debris fell about the docks.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Well, when else am I going to have an opportunity to blow up a guy I really, really hate!?” Dan replied. “Besides! He’s a wolf-man! He’ll live!”

Behind them, the flaming warehouse collapsed in on itself.

“… Probably… ” Dan qualified.

Pinkie giggled. “It’s fine,” she said as she pulled Dan close. “I’m just happy we’re fine and there’s no one left to…”

“STOP RIGHT THERE, DR. JERK AND PARTY HARD!”

“OH CELESTIA FLYING A ROCKETSHIP TO THE MOON,COME ON!” Pinkie cried.

Terri-man descended from the sky above, staring down at Dan and Pinkie through a ‘T’-shaped purple visor on his black helmet. A dark purple cape settled around his black armored body. He leveled a purple-gloved index finger at Dan and Pinkie.  “I’ve come to pass judgment on—”

There was a brief red flash, a loud ‘POW’, and a scream that quickly faded into the distance as Terri-Man flew fast up into the morning sky.

Dan smiled in self-satisfaction as he lowered his fist.

Pinkie grinned wide.

Chris and Elise’s jaws unhinged.

Jean just smiled.

“Did… did Dan just punch a supervillain?” Elise said in disbelief.

Dan grinned. “Into space!”

“Neat!” Jean said.

Chris and Elise stared at Dan, jaws still unhinged.

“Ha…ho…” Chris stuttered.

“HOW?!” Elise cried.

Dan shrugged. “I just got in touch with my inner anger! And because of today, there was a lot of it.”

Pinkie grinned wide. “Isn’t that awesome-o-possum! Dan figured out how to use his superpowers!”

“I’m scared,” Chris announced.

“Me too,” Elise replied.

“Hold me?” Chris asked turning to his wife.

“Only if you hold me back,” Elise answered.

“Ugh…”

The group looked up as a woman in power armor slowly trudged forward.

Elise nodded. “Hey, Mom.”

“Mom?” Dan asked as he stared at the woman in power armor.

Pinkie smiled. “It’s not important.”

“Oh, fair enough,” Dan replied.

“Hello, Junior…” She paused. “Wait…” Elise Sr. said, her mouth turning to a frown. “I’m alive and you’re not even the least bit relieved?”

Elise shrugged. “Still pretty ticked off at you for the attempted murder of my husband…”

“He might have lived!” Elise Sr. cried. “He could have rationed the bacon!”

Chris narrowed his eyes. “No I couldn’t.”

Elise Sr. sighed. “No, you couldn’t…”

Elise continued, “I probably would have been a bit sad if you died, but… Well, here we are.”

Elise Sr. shook her head. “I suppose it’ll have to do… Can I get a ride? My suit’s all fried.”

“No way!” Dan cried. “The backseat of Chris’s car is reserved for smoochies and snuggles until Pinkie, Mr. Mumbles, and I get home.”

“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed in agreement from Dan’s shoulder.

Jean frowned. “Wait… How am I getting home?”

‘THOM!’

‘THOM!’

“Perhaps I can be of assistance!”

The group looked up at Sarge, who sat atop a tyrannosaurs-rex and smiled at the group.

“Tyra!” Dan said excitedly. “Long time no see! Come ‘er! Give Dan a kiss.”

Tyra wagged her tail excitedly, panting as her tongue hung out.

Pinkie let out a long sigh and pulled Dan’s arm. “We’re going to the car.”

“But—”

Pinkie suddenly turned, placing her hands on either side of Dan’s face, and her lips against his. Dan’s momentary surprise soon gave way to hums of contentment as Pinkie kissed him deeply and passionately.

Pinkie broke this kiss and leaned her forehead against Dan’s. “Do you want kisses from a big gross T-Rex mouth, or kisses from my slightly less gross mouth?”

Dan smiled as a wiped a bit of blood off his lips. “Let’s wash out the tiny bits of silver and chain still in there, then we’ll talk…” He reached his other hand up to one of Pinkie’s and interlaced his fingers with it.

As the group behind them broke into arguments about rides home, past transgressions involving holes in the ground and plates of bacon, and a syringe full of some liquid that maybe or maybe should not be injected into the dinosaur present, Pinkie and Dan strolled down the line of warehouses hand in hand, cat on shoulder.

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Epilogue

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Epilogue

-oooooo-

Dan and Pinkie walked up to the blue sedan as sunlight slowly brightened the empty parking lot, the couple leaning against each other as an evening of fatigue finally began to set in. Even Mr. Mumbles' eyelids were barely open as the cat clung to Dan’s shoulder.

“Ugh…” Dan grunted as he and Pinkie made the last few steps to the car. “I can’t believe how much being constantly drugged for an entire day while you hang from shackles takes its toll on you!” Dan held up one of his hands limply. “The only thing that hurts worse than my head are my wrists…”

“You think you had it bad? I was the one running around all day and night!” Pinkie shot back.

“Yeah, but you’re always running around,” Dan said with a grin.

“Not all through the night!”

Dan chuckled. “Right, that’s the time you designate to thrash from side to side and squeeze me until I have trouble breathing.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and grinned. “Oh hush, you!”

“Pinkie…! Dan…!”

The pair looked up as Wally jogged up to them, red-faced, and wearing jogging shorts and running shoes.

“Huff… Puff… I’m sorry!” Wally said as he ran up to the car. He stopped a few yards from the couple and leaned over, placing his hands on his thighs. “I… huff… wanted to help, and started… puff… to run down here, but then the clouds came in and…”

Dan furrowed his brow. “Wally… why are you wearing jogging shorts… and no shirt?”

“I’m trying to explain that!” Wally said standing up straight. “You see, I go jogging when the moon is full, wink, wink…”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Did you just say ‘wink, wink’ as opposed to actually win— mmmpgh!”

Dan was cut off as he found a slender, nail-polished hand placed over his mouth.

“The important thing is you tried to help,” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Dan gently removed the hand from his mouth. “Also that you find a shirt,” Dan added.

Pinkie turned towards Dan. “Bodies are nothing to be ashamed of, Dan!”

“Well sure,” Dan replied. “Your body and my body but—”

“Dan, be nice! Better late than never…” Pinkie’s face turned slightly red. “Also I kinda yelled at him already and may have kinda insinuated I wanted to slice him up…” She gave Wally a sheepish grin. “Sorry about that…”

“It’s alright,” Wally said with a small smile. “I do feel a bit bad considering everyone else helped out.”

Pinkie smiled. “Well, there is something you can do to make it up to us.”

“YEAH! PUT ON A SHIRT!”

“DAN!” Pinkie said in a chastising tone.

“WHAT?” Dan protested.

“Just… be quiet for a second, alright?”

Dan sighed and folded his arms across his chest. “Oh… alright…” he answered grumpily.

Pinkie walked up to Wally, stood on her tiptoes and whispered something to his ears.

Wally grinned. “Alright, consider it done.”  Wally turned and waved, a gesture Pinkie happily returned and one Dan responded to with an eye roll.

“What did you ask him to do?” Dan asked as Pinkie bounded up to him, reaching for his hand.

Pinkie gave Dan a wry grin. “You’ll see…”

-ooooooo-

“Oh for the sake of Celestia!” Pinkie cried in a pleading tone. “I’m fine! I’M FINE!” Pinkie punctuated her statement with a high-pitched girly shriek.

Dan shook his head at the black-with-a-white-collar dress-wearing Pinkie, who seemed permanently attached to his left arm. “No way! As fun as yesterday was, things went from ‘weird but kinky’ to ‘weird and kind of alarming’ much faster than usual!” Dan reached into a bowl of popcorn with his left hand and shoveled some into his face, chewed, then swallowed. “We’re getting this out of your system now.”

“Okay, but…” Pinkie suddenly turned and stared forward. “Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Don’t go in there!” Tense music and another girly scream joined Pinkie’s as the warm glow that enveloped her and Dan turned red.

“… Besides,” Dan continued with a smile, “I’m making a killing off Elise here.”

A third girly scream suddenly broke out.

“I think Chris didn’t like your horrible pun, Dan,” Elise said dryly as she sat next to Dan on her and Chris’s blue couch.

“Na-NO!” Chris cried. “It’s this horrible horror-film I don’t like!”

Dan glared up at Elise. “You’re just mad because I’m so much better on betting at who’ll die when in this.”

With the sound of a blade hitting its target and three more screams, Elise’s face lit up.

“HAH!” Elise cried. “Back in the game!”

“Whatever,” Dan said dismissively. “I’m still fifty bucks ahead.”

“WHY AM I HERE?!” Chris cried. “I DON’T HAVE ANY LINGERING KILLER INSTINCTS TO GET OUT OF MY SYSTEM!”

Elise glanced up at the tall man who seemed permanently attached to her right arm. “I was not going be a third wheel tonight.”

“Well wha…why didn’t they just watch the movie alone?!”

“Don’t blame me!” Dan cried. “Your wife insisted it was in my best interest she be on hand to help with Pinkie…”

Another three shrieks erupted as Pinkie suddenly wrapped her arms around Dan’s neck and pulled him into her chest.

Dan held up an index finger. “…And she just hapffened to be wwright!” he said in a muffled tone.

Elise glanced to her side. “Pinkie, Dan probably can’t breathe like that…”

“Oh… right…” Pinkie said as she released Dan’s head and went back to holding his arm tightly. “Sorry, Da—”

Another scream erupted from the TV in front of the couples. Pinkie and Chris once again harmonized their shrieks with it.

“HA! Seventy!” Dan cried.

 “That just means you have terrible taste in movies, Dan,” Elise replied.

“Hey, you picked it out!” Dan shot back.

Elise sighed. “Just keep watching... We still got a handful of teens the killer hasn’t gotten to yet…”

Elise and Dan returned to watching the film as their respective partners shivered in terror, eyes still somehow fixed on the screen in front of them.

“Hey Elise…”

“Yeah, Dan?”

“… I will eventually regain feeling in my arm, right?”

Elise looked down at her own arm that was in the vice-like grip of her husband. She nodded. “Yeah, about 30 minutes after the movie ends… I wouldn’t try to drive home or anything until your circulation is back to normal, though.”

“Oh… good… and the ringing in my ear?”

Pinkie and Chris let out another shriek.

“Goes away in about an hour or two,” Elise replied.

Dan sighed. “Lovely…”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Dan’s brow wrinkled in irritation. “As much money as I’m making off of your poor ability to predict this movie, I really hope I don’t get kidnapped again…”

Elise chuckled and shot a quick affectionate glance at Pinkie as she trembled in fear. “Me too Dan, me too…”

End part 15

Thanks for reading!

Guest Holiday Special: Dan Vs. Danville

"Won't this be great?" Pinkie asked excitedly, bouncing up and down in her economy-class seat. Far below, the Midwest passed by in a green and brown blur, broken only by the tops of puffy clouds.

"Sure, great. We're in a flying death trap, thousands of miles from our apartment and God knows how many miles above ground. The bakery is probably going straight to Satan's sock drawer as we speak, and why are we on this stupid airplane again?"

"Actually, how are you on this airplane?" Chris wondered. "I thought for sure you'd be on every no-fly list from here to Germany."

"You'd be surprised how easy it is for an unstable, deranged psychopath to get aboard a commercial airliner," Elise said.

"And WHY were you so keen on bringing the goofball and me along on this..." Dan made air quotes with his fingers. "Vacation?"

"Well...because...Pinkie's my best friend, and...I guess I thought the two of you deserved a vacation! I mean, everybody needs a vacation, right?"

"I know I do," Chris said.

"Chrisses don't get vacations," Dan said.

"They do when they're married to Elises," Elise retorted.

"Oh, cheer up, Dan! Isn't this like, your world's big holiday season?"

"Yes!" Dan said. "And I love Christmas! But..." His eyes softened. "I was...sort of hoping to spend it alone, just the two of us...you know, some nice hundred-proof eggnog...that slinky little Santa dress..."

Pinkie giggled. "Well...I did bring the dress..."

"Wait. Pinkie bought a sexy Santa dress?" Chris asked. "Isn't that like, against your preservation-of-the-image-of-Santa thing?"

"No, it's not!" Dan insisted. "And besides, shut up." He sighed. "So where exactly are we going, anyway?"

Elise and Pinkie shared a look and giggled. "I think you'll like it," Elise said.

"This...bodes...poorly."

"This is your captain speaking," the PA speakers said. "Our ETA is in two hours. I have the latest weather report from our destination. A warm front has settled in over the Tri-State Area, so you can expect sunny skies and temps in the mid-70s. It may not be a white Christmas, but at least the terminal won't be snowed in." He laughed.

"Well, that's...nice?" Chris ventured.

A while later, the plane landed. The two couples gathered up their carry-ons and joined the queue of passengers waiting to disembark. As they entered the airport, a sign greeted them overhead:

WELCOME TO DANVILLE AIRPORTNow Losing 87% Less Of Your Luggage!

Dan's eyes widened. "Danville? We're...we're in a place called Danville?"

Pinkie giggled. "Yep!"

Dan stared at the sign. "Huh. Well...I guess any place named Danville must be awesome."

Had anybody looked out the window, they would have seen a baggage cart being hit by a random green ray from the sky, causing dozens of suitcases to explode. A singed sexy Santa dress fluttered sadly to the ground, its cheerful red charred black.

When the group reached the baggage claim, there was a distinct lack of baggage to claim. A crowd of confused, irate passengers had gathered around them.

A harried airport official rushed up, addressing the crowd through a megaphone. "May I have your attention please," he said. "We apologize for the inconvenience, but one of our baggage carts was just hit by a random green ray from the sky. I'm afraid most of your luggage didn't survive. Please understand that the airline cannot be held accountable for property losses due to random green rays from the sky. Thank you for using Danville Airport, and have a nice stay."

"Our...our stuff's gone? All our stuff?" Chris asked.

Pinkie's eyes welled with tears. "Even...even my sexy Santa dress?"

Dan's hands tightened into fists. His teeth began to grind. His left eye twitched.

"Oh no, here it comes," Pinkie said, covering her ears.

Dan threw back his head, thrust his trembling fists into the air, and screamed...

"DAAAAAAAAAANVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLE!!!!!"

"Look, this...this isn't a total disaster," Pinkie said. "I've got my handbag, so...so we've got all the money we need...we can replace everything we lost...even the Santa dress..."

"Yeah," Elise said. "I never pack anything I can't replace when I fly commercial. It's the law of the jungle."

Dan grumbled. "It's...the principle of the thing..."

"But, Dan...it's not like Danville has control over random green rays from the sky," Chris said. "I mean, they're green rays...from the sky...and they're random..." He trailed off. "How sad is it that this doesn't even seem weird to me?"

"And at least Mr. Mumbles is safe and sound back home," Pinkie said.

* * * * *

Mr. Mumbles cringed as D.H. flailed around, letting out a strangled yowl as she was forced to dodge a falling body. A dish of warm, moist cat food went flying through the air and landed with a wet plop in the corner.

"Mreowwwr," Mr. Mumbles sighed, before padding over to the spilt food and gobbling it up.

Hey, it may be floor food, but it's gourmet floor food.

* * * * *

"Look, let's just...let's just go to the hotel and get checked in," Elise said. "Then we can go shopping, get new stuff to replace our old stuff, and...have a good vacation, alright?"

Dan took a deep breath. "Fine," he hissed. "I guess...since it's Christmas...I won't swear vengeance on Danville. Mostly because I really like that name. But if I find out whoever's responsible for that random green ray from the sky, then SO HELP ME...!"

"Yeah, I'm with you on that," Pinkie said. "What kind of jerk fires random green rays from the sky?"

* * * * *

"CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUUUUUUUUUUS!!"

The top floor of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated exploded in a tremendous fireball—once again—as the latest evil creation of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, the Suitcase-Explode-inator, suffered the fate of all Inators at the webbed hands of secret agent Perry the Platypus.

Said agent coasted across the city on a custom parachute, landing in a suburban backyard with a single big tree. With ease born of long practice, the parachute and the fedora he wore disappeared, and he lay like a motionless turquoise brick on the lawn.

"Oh, there you are, Perry!" a boy with a triangle-shaped head said. "Wow, and we haven't even gotten started yet!"

"Well, at least Perry won't miss out on this one," a second boy with green hair said in a British accent.

"Ktktktktktktktktktkt," Perry said.

* * * * *

"Hmm..." The clerk at the front desk said, studying his computer. "Well, I do show a reservation for Pearson, but..."

"But?" Elise asked warily.

"We, uhh...we seem to have double-booked," the clerk said. "It says here you reserved two rooms, but..."

"Oh no," Dan said. "Do NOT tell me—"

"We, uhh...only have one room available..."

Dan reached over the counter and grabbed the clerk by the front of his shirt. He leaned forward and exhaled a cloud of putrid breath into his face that stank of hot sauce and rancid meatloaf. "If you like your face in the shape it's in presently, you'll check. Again."

The clerk broke out in a nervous sweat. "Sir, I'm sorry, but it...it's not my fault..."

Dan's chest began to heave. "Our luggage...was just destroyed...by a random green ray from the sky...and my girlfriend's sexy Santa dress...which I hadn't even gotten to see her WEAR YET....died a terrible death. This city is already on thin ice, pal, so if you don't fix this, I don't care how awesome the name Danville is, I swear by God and Baby Jesus I will burn this city to the ground, starting with YOUR. DESK!"

"What seems to be the problem here?"

The hotel manager walked up, a frown on his face, his pencil-thin, waxed mustache twitching.

"Sir, we reserved two rooms over a month ago, and your clerk here tells us there's been a mistake and one of our rooms was double-booked," Elise said.

The manager looked at the clerk. "How can we have a double booking when there are seventeen rooms available?"

"Seventeen rooms?" Chris asked. "But he said—"

The manager walked behind the desk and examined the clerk's computer. "Well this isn't right," he said. He typed away at the keyboard, brow creasing. "I know for a fact we don't have this many bookings..." He picked up the phone and pressed a button. "Cheryl? How many rooms are open right now? ...that's what I thought. The front desk computer shows one open room and a double booking..."

The computer let out a loud *blip!* and burst into flames.

"...nevermind, Cheryl, I think we just found the problem." He sighed. "Sorry about this, folks. If you'll follow me, I'll finish checking you in and issue your keys in my office. Grady, get a fire extinguisher and deal with this, then call Cheryl back and tell her the front desk is down."

Dan, Pinkie, Chris, and Elise followed the manager to his office, pointedly ignoring the frantic young clerk as he fought the small bonfire that threatened to consume the front desk.

"I really hope he gets that put out before it sets off the sprinklers," the manager said. "The carpet in the lobby is really expensive..."

* * * * *

Isabella Garcia-Shapiro walked into the back yard of the Flynn-Fletcher household, wearing a red and green dress and a glitter-encrusted red bow instead of her usual wardrobe. She skipped merrily over to Phineas Flynn, her longtime friend and crush. "Hey Phineas! Whatcha dooooooooin'?"

"Oh, hey Isabella!" Phineas didn't look up from his clipboard. "Ferb and I are building the world's largest flying Christmas tree!"

Isabella tilted her head. "Wouldn't that be the world's only flying Christmas tree?"

"Well...yeah...but that doesn't mean it won't be the largest!"

"Hmm. Good point." Isabella looked around. "Except I don't see any Christmas trees, flying or otherwise."

"Oh, it hasn't been delivered yet," Phineas said. "Which gives us plenty of time to work on the VTL base ring for the trunk. Of course, we won't actually be able to build the ring until we've sized the trunk and measured the circumference of the tree...wouldn't want the turbines raining pine needles all over the Tri-State Area!" He chuckled.

"Sooo...anything I can do to help?" Isabella asked.

"I'm glad you asked!" Phineas said. "I need you, Isabella! More than any man has ever needed any woman in the history of the entire world! I've been a fool to not realize it before now! Come, come with me! We'll leave this place, leave the world behind! Just you and me, together forever, an adventure of love!"

"Oh, Phineas!"

"...bella? Isabella, are you okay?" Isabella blinked; Phineas was waving a hand in her face.

"Huh? What?"

"You kinda spaced out there for a minute," Phineas said, concern on his face. "Did you get all that?"

"Oh, uh...sorry. Could you...repeat that?"

"Sure," Phineas said. "I need you on ornament duty. We're gonna need about four thousand ornaments of various types, shapes, sizes, and colors. There's a big pile of materials over in the corner there, and lots of paint and glitter."

Isabella looked over to the size of materials that dwarfed the house. "Huh. How did I miss that?" She shrugged. "Four thousand, you say? Guess I'd better call in some help..." She blinked. "Hey, who's doing the lights?"

Phineas grinned. "Who do you think?" After a pause, he added, "Me. I'm doing—"

"Yeah, I got it."

"Okay. Cool."

* * * * *

"Huh," Dan said, staring in dismay at the clothes rack before him. "No JERK shirts. Not a single JERK shirt to be found anywhere."

Pinkie walked over, carrying a pile of long-sleeved red shirts with green Christmas trees on the front and "MERRY XMAS" spelled out in gold glitter. "How about this instead? It wouldn't kill you to wear something other than black for once."

Dan was about to retort angrily, but took in the pleading look in Pinkie's blue eyes, and the Christmasyness of the shirts, and sighed. "You know...you're probably right. I mean...you wear a different outfit every single day and you're more alive than anybody I've ever known ever, so..." With a shrug, he accepted the pile of shirts from Pinkie. "So, any luck on the Santa dress?"

Pinkie blew on her curly hair in annoyance. "I'm gonna have to go to another store," she said. "But I did find a lot of neat stuff!"

Dan looked at the large pile of clothes Chris was carrying. "Yes. Yes you did." He shook his head. "Just let me grab some pants, then Chris can schlep all this stuff to the rental car..."

"Why am I...carrying...your girlfriend's clothes?" Chris wheezed.

"Because you're the Chris," Dan replied. "Besides, Elise isn't as much of a shopaholic as Pinkie."

Elise walked up carrying seven dresses, ten pairs of pants, sixteen shirts, and assorted underwear. "I'll get shoes at the next store," she said.

"Well, let's get going!" Pinkie said cheerfully, thrusting an arm in the air.

* * * * *

Once Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella were all distracted, Perry slipped around to the side of the house and opened the secret entrance to his lair, donning his fedora as he did so. Fifteen seconds later, he was in front of his monitor. His lair had been decorated with holly and garland, and had a cheerful Christmas tree in the corner.

Major Monogram's visage appeared on the screen. He was wearing a Santa hat along with his Nehru jacket. "Good afternoon, Agent P! Sorry to call you in again after you've already thwarted Doofenshmirtz today, but we have a special assignment for you."

Agent P saluted.

"You've been selected for another inter-agency co-op mission," Major Monogram said. "Since, you know, you're so good at them."

The monitor flickered, and Major Monogram's face was replaced with a pulsing blue line. "Greetings, Agent P. One of my agents, codename Dancing Shadow, has just arrived in your city. You are to rendezvous with Dancing Shadow in the hotel bar at the Povenmire Arms Hotel at exactly twenty-two hundred hours tonight. You will be briefed on your mission at this time."

The blue line disappeared and was replaced by Major Monogram. "It really burns my toast when people hijack my monitor like that," Major Monogram muttered. "Well, you have your assignment. Good luck, Agent P. Monogram out."

* * * * *

Having finished their shopping (and searched three stores before finding a replacement for Pinkie's Santa dress), the two couples returned to the hotel to stow their purchases, then headed down to the hotel restaurant for dinner.

"Chez Platypus?" Chris asked as he looked at the restaurant's awning. "What, is this an Australian restaurant?"

"Apparently, there was a very popular and trendy restaurant in Danville called Chez Platypus during the summer," Elise said. "It appeared and disappeared literally on the same night, then reopened someplace else. Then this hotel bought the rights to the name and...here we are."

"Huh," Chris said.

"Why do you even know something like that?" Dan asked.

"What? I like to keep up with restaurant trends," Elise said.

"Hey, as long as we don't have to actually eat platypus," Pinkie said.

"I'm not even sure platypus is edible," Dan said. "Heck, I'm not even sure what platypus is. Is it a beaver with a duck's face, or a duck that mutated into a beaver? I mean, come on!"

"All I know about them is that they don't do much," Chris said.

The restaurant turned out to be a fusion of French and Australian cuisine, and the food tasted just about exactly how that sounds. Still, the two couples made the best of the evening—and a bottle and a half of wine—and tried to put the stress of the day behind them.

Late that evening, in the privacy of their own room, Pinkie modeled her new Santa dress for Dan. It was even slinkier than the old one.

"Looks like you're on the naughty list," Pinkie said seductively as she straddled Dan. "Ho ho ho..."

* * * * *

Phineas looked up at the giant Christmas tree which dominated most of the backyard. He tilted his head thoughtfully. "It's...okay and all, but...it's still missing something..." He looked to the base of the tree, which had been firmly anchored to a massive VTL platform. "Ferb? How's our launch window looking?"

"We should have it ready to go by noon tomorrow," Ferb said.

"Hmm...too bad Mom and Dad are gonna miss it," Phineas said. "Oh well, at least they'll be back in time for Christmas Eve. Hey Isabella, do you think you and the Fireside Girls can come back tomorrow morning and make another few hundred ornaments?"

Isabella looked over the severely dwindled pile of assorted junk and the dozens of empty paint buckets lying around the lawn. "I dunno, Phineas. We're running a little low here, and some of us have stuff to do. I mean, tomorrow's the 23rd..."

"Riiiight," Phineas said. He shrugged. "Oh well. I'll see if I can round up some extra tinsel or something. Have you heard anything from Buford and Baljeet?"

"Oh, they're out carolling," Isabella said.

Outside, they heard the sounds of dozens of voices raised in song. Phineas looked to Isabella, then Ferb, then nodded to the gates. They raced out into the streets...

Buford and Baljeet stood at the head of a marching throng of carollers, at least a hundred strong, who were roaming the streets singing Christmas carols. "Wow. Those two sure do love Christmas carols," Phineas said.

"Too bad Perry isn't here to enjoy this," Ferb commented.

"Yeah. Hey, where IS Perry?"

* * * * *

Agent P sat on a stool at the hotel bar, a virgin martini in front of him. He checked his watch. It was almost ten.

A woman dressed all in black, with a scarlet scarf wrapped around the lower half of her face, appeared on the stool beside him. He hadn't seen her enter...she'd simply suddenly existed. She regarded him calmly. "Agent P?" she asked.

"Ktktktktktktktkt." Agent P gestured at his drink.

"No thanks, I have to keep this brief." She withdrew a folder from her black outfit and laid it on the bar. "A terrorist codenamed 'Santa Slay' has made a threat against the Tri-State Area. He specializes in Christmas-themed terror attacks and habitually strikes on December 23. Why specifically December 23 is a mystery. The higher-ups learned of your impressive track record in protecting the Tri-State Area from threats and requested your assistance in stopping Santa Slay before he destroys Christmas for an unsuspecting Danville."

Agent P opened the folder, perusing the documents within. As he reached a large photograph, his eyes widened.

"You see now why I agreed to this team-up. Santa Slay is serious business." Dancing Shadow stood. "Meet me on the roof of the hotel at nine in the morning."

Agent P saluted. Dancing Shadow melted into the dimly lit corner of the bar and vanished.

* * * * *

It was eight in the morning on December 23rd, and Candace Flynn was already up to her extremely long neck in frustration.

"But Mom, I'm telling you, it's huge! Like, bigger than the house huge! And it's in the backyard, and I don't know—well, okay, yes, but—but it's—but Moooooom!"

Candace groaned. "Yeah Mom. Love you too. See you tonight." With a sigh of frustration, she stomped into the backyard and looked up at the monstrous Christmas tree.

As usual, the boys were going to go unbusted.

"Hey Candace!" Phineas said as he walked past, holding armfuls of white and gold garland. "What do you think of the tree?"

"I think you and Ferb should be busted," Candace said.

"Oh. Well. That's cool, I guess, but what do you think of the tree?"

Candace looked up at the tree, at all its garland and tinsel and colorful ornaments. At the huge yellow star at the top. She smiled. "Okay, I admit...it's a pretty good tree." She sighed. "Need any help?"

"Actually, if you could back the crane truck in here and operate the lift while I string up the garland, that'd be great."

"What, you don't have a jetpack for that?"

"Out of fuel."

Candace sighed. "Gimme the keys..." She looked around. "Hey, where's Perry?"

"He's been gone a lot lately," Phineas mused. "Maybe he doesn't like pine trees..."

* * * * *

Dan and Pinkie met Chris at the hotel's breakfast bar. "Where's Elise?" Pinkie asked.

"Said she had some last-minute shopping to do," Chris said around a mouthful of bacon. "You guys should really try this frittata."

"So what are we gonna do today?" Pinkie asked.

"Oh, well...I heard on the radio that there's supposed to be some kind of big Christmas event in town around noon," Chris said. "Didn't say what the event is, though. Or even where."

"Well...we've got some time to kill," Pinkie said. "We could just maybe wander around town, see the sights...you know, vacationy stuff?"

Dan shrugged. "I...guess? I'm not really one for aimless wandering, but..."

"So," Chris asked Pinkie as he drowned a stack of French toast in syrup, "how did you spend the holidays...back home?"

"Back home in California?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head.

"He means back home in magical pony land," Dan clarified.

"Oh! Well, there was this one time my friends and I starred in Canterlot's big Hearth's Warming Eve pageant..."

* * * * *

Agent P met Dancing Shadow on the roof of the hotel at one minute before nine.

"I've received new intel," Dancing Shadow said. "During the night, Santa Slay seized control of a building with unusual architecture. Specifically, the floors belonging to one Heinz Doofenshmirtz..."

Agent P's eyes widened.

"According to intel, the structure of the building is particularly suited to any of a number of potential mass terror attacks—Agent P? Where are you going? ...you have a rocketpack? Hey! Wait up!"

* * * * *

Ferb put away his blowtorch and removed his welding mask, giving Phineas a thumbs-up.

"Wow, we're ready to go already? It's not even ten o'clock yet!"

"So let me get this straight," Candace said. "You're just gonna fly this ginormous Christmas tree all over Danville?"

"That's the plan," Phineas said.

"And...there'll be cell phones and video cameras and news crews all over the place, so there'll be...lots and lots of video evidence!" Candace clapped her hands. "What are we waiting for? Let's get this show on the road! Or...in the air..."

"I just wish Perry was here," Phineas said. "He would've really loved this..."

* * * * *

The retractable roof of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated crumpled inward, and Agent P landed in a pool of light in the center of the floor, wary and alert. The edges of the room were cloaked in shadow, dangerous shadow where anything could be lurking.

Dancing Shadow arrived less than a minute later. She looked around. "Seems quiet enough. Maybe...too quiet..."

"Ah, Perry the Platypus!" a grating voice called from the shadows. "How completely unexpected! And by that I mean HELP ME, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"

Agent P hit the roof lever, retracting the roof as far as it would go in its damaged state and shedding precious sunlight on the rest of the laboratory floor.

A brick fireplace with a fake fire had been erected in the back of the room. A stocking had been hung by the chimney with care...and stuffed with Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

Dancing Shadow's eyes narrowed. "Santa Slay is here alright."

"Ho ho ho, how right you are!" a menacingly jolly voice boomed.

The sound of sleigh bells filled the air, and a flurry of snow blew in from seemingly nowhere. The door to the lab flew open, and in walked a large, round man in a red velvet suit with white fur trim and shiny black boots. A bushy white beard obscured the lower half of his face, and his sparkling eyes twinkled merrily above a round, ruddy nose.

In his hands, he held a bazooka shaped like a candy cane.

"I see two naughty secret agents who deserve lumps of coal in their stockings," Santa Slay said. "But I'm afraid I'm fresh out of coal. So I'll just have to give you DEATH!" He took aim with his bazooka...

Dancing Shadow sprang into action, flipping across the floor. With a deft stroke of her ninjato, she sliced the bazooka in half.

"Clever...clever," Santa Slay said. "But if you think that's all it takes to defeat me, you'd better think again. I see you when you're sleeping, I know when you're awake...and I have a thousand drones hovering over Danville, ready to release a fine mist of mistletoe. Not the kissing kind...the deadly poison, in particulate form."

Dancing Shadow gasped. "You monster!"

"You know, I thought Santa Claus was supposed to be a nice guy, but you're a real jerk," Doofenshmirtz said.

Agent P leapt across the room, kicking Santa Slay in the face. With a twist of his ankle, he sank his poisonous ankle barb into the jolly fat terrorist's rosy cheek, then paddle-kicked him into the wall. Flipping across the room, he produced a small saw from his hat and cut Doof free of the stocking trap.

Santa Slay twitched and spasmed in agony. "You...little...!"

"Wow, that guy really can't take a kick to the face," Doof said as he rubbed feeling back into his arms.

"Nice use of your poisonous ankle barb, Agent P," Dancing Shadow said. "And here I had my doubts about working with a platypus."

"You poisoned him?" Doof asked. "You never poison me!"

Agent P shrugged helplessly.

Dancing Shadow sighed as she tied up Santa Slay. "Well, that takes care of the mastermind, but that leaves the drones...if I know my master terrorists, they're on a timer, and we don't have much time to stop them." She frowned. "We'll need a way to hunt down the drones..."

"Why not just use Agent P's rocket car?" Doof suggested.

"You have a rocket car?" Dancing Shadow asked.

Agent P pulled a remote out of...somewhere...and pushed a button.

"I...assume that means it's on its way." Dancing Shadow sighed. "That just leaves a way to render the drones harmless without dispersing the toxin..." She clenched her fists. "If only I had access to my tech!"

Agent P looked up at Doof. Doof looked back at him. "What? Oh...you want me to help you save Christmas?"

Agent P nodded.

Doof tapped his chin. "Do I get a fedora?"

Agent P rolled his eyes, walked over to Santa Slay, stole his red Santa hat, and handed it to Doof.

Doof shrugged. "Close enough." He put on the Santa hat. "So, what do you need me to do?"

"I dunno, fill a prescription?" Dancing Shadow asked. "Seriously, I don't see how a pharmacist is supposed to help in this situation."

"Ah...actually, I'm an evil scientist, not a pharmacist..."

Dancing Shadow blinked. "You're evil?" She turned to Agent P. "He's evil?"

Agent P held up a hand and made a "more-or-less" gesture.

"Hey! I may be evil, but I'm not a jerk," Doof said. "If you need to fry some deadly drones before they ruin Christmas by...you know...killing everyone in Danville...I'm sure I can whip up an Inator for that."

Dancing Shadow tilted her head. "Alright. Let's get to work..."

* * * * *

"So, where do we sit on this thing?" Candace asked, looking at the giant tree's lift platform and finding a distinct lack of seating. Or seat belts.

"Oh, we're not riding the tree," Phineas said. "We'll be controlling it by remote." He walked over to the only large bare patch of grass in the yard and stepped on a hidden switch. The lawn opened up, and a hot air balloon shaped like a platypus wearing a Santa suit sprang up into the yard. "We'll be following behind it in this."

Candace shrugged. "Yeah, okay, whatever. Let's go."

"We need to wait for—"

"Hi Phineas! Wow, the tree looks great!"

"A Perry the Santapus balloon? Really?"

"Hey Isabella, hey Buford! Where's Baljeet?"

"He had stuff to do."

"Aww...oh well. I'm sure he'll see the tree, wherever he is." Phineas opened the side of the balloon's basket. "Get in, everybody!"

Once Isabella, Buford, and Candace were in the balloon, Ferb got in. Phineas got in last, closing the basket and securing the fasteners. "Safety vests on, everybody! Let's get a little altitude before we launch the tree."

A jet of flames from the burner raised the balloon above the level of the surrounding rooftops. Once it was airborne, Ferb fired up the powerful VTL turbines on the tree. Slowly, laboriously, the tree lifted into the air, wobbling at first. Then, with one massive push of air, it rose up into the sky. Every light on the tree lit up at once.

"And we're go!" Phineas said. "Let's spread some holiday cheer!"

The mighty Christmas tree coasted toward the heart of Danville, followed closely by its escort balloon.

* * * * *

Dan, Pinkie, and Chris had been roaming the streets of Danville for the better part of an hour. The decorations were nice, but nothing Dan and Chris hadn't seen on dozens of buildings across many Christmases.

Pinkie, of course, was ooh'ing and aah'ing and whee'ing at every single gold ribbon, string of garland, display of lights, and gaudy tree everywhere.

"So where's this big amazing Christmas event supposed to be?" Dan asked, growing bored with the repetetive Christmas decorations. As much as he enjoyed Christmas, the same lights, ribbons, wreaths, and fake snow over and over again got boring, especially when he'd already walked a good fifteen city blocks.

"Still don't know," Chris said. "I tried asking around, but people just keep saying stuff about a triangle head kid and rollercoasters."

"Oooh, a Christmasy rollercoaster? That sounds like fun!" Pinkie said.

"A rollercoaster..." Dan frowned. "I don't trust rollercoasters. Especially not if they're built very quickly, with no time for proper testing and engineering certi...fi...cations..." He trailed off as his gaze drifted upward. His jaw dropped. "...huh."

"What is it?" Chris asked. He followed Dan's gaze. "Whoa."

Pinkie looked up and gasped. "That...is way better than a rollercoaster."

People all around them were looking up into the sky as a giant Christmas tree flew over the city. A hot air balloon shaped like a platypus followed behind it.

"That. Is. Awesome," Dan declared. His brow furrowed. "Don't quite get the balloon, though. This town has one bizarre platypus fetish."

"We need to follow that tree," Pinkie declared. "We need to follow that tree all day."

"Oh...kay..." Chris said slowly. "I mean, yeah, it's...amazing...I mean...a flying Christmas tree, you just don't see that every day. Or every Christmas. But...follow it all day?"

Pinkie got right in Chris's face. "That tree has all the answers to life, the universe, happiness, and what's really in the special sauce," she said seriously. "We are going to follow that tree and all its wisdom, because it's going to lead us to the true meaning of Christmas." She took a step back. "Besides, it's sparkly!" She flashed a wide, beaming grin.

"I'm with Goofball," Dan said. "I kinda wanna know what's up with that tree. Whoever's in that balloon must be the ones controlling it. That person, or persons, have the true spirit of Christmas, and I for one would love to meet them."

Chris sighed. "Okay then...let's follow that tree." He tilted his head. "Gotta admit, I'm a little curious myself..."

* * * * *

"Looks like they're loving the tree, Ferb," Phineas said as he watched the crowds below. "Initiate phase two!"

Ferb flipped a toggle on the tree's remote. Several speakers flipped out from hidden panels around the base of the lift platform and began blaring "Jingle Bells".

* * * * *

Dancing Shadow studied the screen on the makeshift radar tracker she'd cobbled together. "Alright...I'm picking up a lot of stationary radar contacts, as well as one that's moving slowly through midtown." She looked over at Doof. "How's it coming?"

"Al...most...DONE!" Doof hefted a wide-barreled technological doohickey proudly. "BEHOLD, Perry the Platypus! And...female secret agent to whom I have not been introduced...nothing? Really? Okay. Anyway, BEHOLD! My SNOW-INATOR! This device will turn whatever it hits into a flurry of harmless winter precipitation!"

Dancing Shadow raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"What?" Doof asked. "Well, I mean, I could have just made a portable Disintegrator-inator, but I figured why not go for something a little more holiday-themed?"

Dancing Shadow shrugged. "Alright. But does it work?"

Doof pointed it at the broken remains of Santa Slay's stocking trap and fired. With a POOMF, it dissolved into a pile of snow.

"Okay then. Let's go." With that, Dancing Shadow, Agent P, and Doof piled into Agent P's rocket car and took off, leaving behind a seemingly unconscious Santa Slay, lying in a puddle of his own drool.

* * * * *

"Is it me, or is it a little crowded up here today?" Buford asked.

All around the tree and the balloon, dozens of drones hovered in the sky, shaped like brightly colored Christmas presents.

"Must be some kind of Secret Santa thing," Phineas said. "Ferb, better be careful. We don't want to knock any of these drones off course."

* * * * *

Agent P's rocket car weaved through a dozen shiny drones. Doof had already turned over a dozen drones into fine, powdery snow.

"We need to find a way to knock these drones off course," Dancing Shadow said. "Hunting them down one by one will take too long."

"And you didn't think of that before we left, Miss Secret Agent Who Won't Even Introduce Herself?"

Agent P held up a remote.

"What's this?" Dancing Shadow asked. She took the remote and studied it. "This...this is the master control for Santa Slay's drones! We can use this to gather all the drones in one place, take them out all at once!" She frowned. "But we'll need some kind of beacon...a radar signal they can home in on..."

"How about that?" Doof asked, pointing across the city.

Dancing Shadow followed his abnormally long finger and gasped. "What the?"

Agent P winced.

The enormous flying Christmas tree that Phineas and Ferb had worked so hard on was heading right toward them.

Dancing Shadow narrowed her eyes. "So...Santa Slay had one last surprise in his sack of evil presents. Okay...we'll just round up all the drones, get them to converge on that giant flying tree of death, and..."

* * * * *

"Uhh, Phineas?" Isabella asked, worry in her voice. "All those present drones are kind of...converging on the tree..."

"Well, it is a Christmas tree," Ferb said. "I mean, where else would you expect to find a bunch of presents?"

"I'm backing us off a bit," Phineas said. "Man, I wonder who let all these drones loose."

"Probably that pharmacist and that ninja in that rocket car," Buford said.

* * * * *

"Hey, look! There's Christmas presents flying toward the giant tree!"

"Wow, they really went all out on this thing," Chris said.

Dan smiled. "Now see, this is the kind of thing I like to see. Look at everybody! They're so happy and cheerful..."

* * * * *

Agent P hid behind Dancing Shadow, pushing her toward the controls of the rocket car.

"What is it, Agent P?" She looked at the balloon flying behind the tree, noticing its distinctive platypus shape.

Doof noticed it too. "A Santapus balloon?"

Dancing Shadow noticed the kids flying the balloon. She looked down at Agent P. "Cover story?"

Agent P nodded.

"Really bad for you if they see you up here?"

"Ktktktktktktktkt."

"Got it." Dancing Shadow checked her radar. "We're almost there...almost...that's the last of them!"

A massive pile of shiny, colorful drones sat underneath the flying Christmas tree.

"Okay, do it now!" Dancing Shadow said.

Doof grinned. "Let it snow, let it snow, let it SNOW!" He pulled the trigger...

* * * * *

"Hey, what's up with that rocket car?" Chris asked. "It's firing...a green ray of some sort at the giant tree..."

"Green ray?" Pinkie asked. "A green ray? From the sky?"

"A green ray...from the sky..." Dan said, grinding his teeth and narrowing his eyes.

Suddenly, the giant Christmas tree and all the shiny present drones that had just taken roost under it exploded into a giant cloud of snow, which spread out and fell in drifts and flurries on the crowd below.

"It's...it's snowing?" Chris asked.

Pinkie gasped. "Oh my gosh! It's a Christmas miracle!"

Dan gaped. "Huh. That green ray must've been...a snow machine of some sort...that somebody built for this..." His eyes began to mist over. "Absolutely amazing display of Christmas cheer!"

The snow continued to fall, and all around them, people sang.

Pinkie clung tightly to Dan, smiling broadly up at the drifting snow. "I think I really like Christmas," she said.

* * * * *

"Ferb? We didn't add a 'turn into snow' feature to the tree, did we?"

Ferb shook his head.

Phineas looked down at the people below, who were holding hands and singing in the snow. "Oh well. We didn't plan it, but I gotta admit, it's a pretty good finale! And, you know, it saves us a lot of time cleaning up."

"Yes. Yes it does."

Candace sighed. "Merry Christmas, kids."

* * * * *

The rocket car coasted to a landing at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, and its passengers disembarked. "Nice working with you, Agent P. If I'm ever back in Danville, I'll look you up."

Agent P gave Dancing Shadow a salute.

"Heeeey...didn't you leave that Santa jerk tied up?" Doof asked.

Dancing Shadow looked to the spot where they had left Santa Slay. All she found was a pile of drool and a Christmas card. She carefully picked it up and opened it. "You foiled my plans this time, but I'll see you again this time next year, Merry Christmas, hope you die horribly, Santa Slay." She sighed. "Can't say I'm surprised. Oh well." She stretched. "Guess I'd better get back to my vacation."

Agent P jumped into his rocket car and, with a final wave, took off.

"Thanks for helping us save Christmas...and a whole lot of lives," Dancing Shadow said to Doofenshmirtz. "You may be an evil scientist, but you're okay in my book."

"Aww, shucks," Doof said. "You're not bad yourself...you know, for a secret agent. Whose name I still don't know."

Dancing Shadow laughed. "Merry Christmas, Dr. Doofenshmirtz. And a happy new year." With that, she left as mysteriously as she'd arrived.

"Wow. Still no name?" Doof sighed and looked around at the mess. "Oh well. At least this isn't as bad as what I usually have to clean up after a visit from Perry the Platypus..."

* * * * *

The snow had long since stopped falling when Elise caught up with Chris, Dan, and Pinkie outside the hotel. "Hey guys," she said. "What'd I miss?"

"You missed this really amazing flying Christmas tree that turned into snow and snowed all over Danville!" Pinkie said.

"No, I saw that," Elise said. "I just meant, did you guys do anything fun today?"

Chris smiled. "Yes. Yes we did."

* * * * *

With the balloon safely stowed away, Buford and Isabella said their goodbyes and went home.

Candace looked around the yard, then sighed. "Come on, boys...I'll make us some hot cocoa and we can watch some holiday specials on TV."

"Sounds good to me," Phineas said. "Oh, there you are Perry!"

Perry, covered in melting snow, sat under the tree, doing his best impression of a turquoise brick.

After all...he's only a platypus.

They don't do much.

Not even on Christmas.

* * * * *

Night had fallen.

In just an hour, it would be Christmas Eve.

Doofenshmirtz, in his cap and pajamas, was about to settle down for a long winter's nap, when there rose such a clatter from his front door.

Grumbling, he answered the door. A short, pasty-skinned man with green eyes and messy black hair stood there.

"You blew up our luggage, you jerk," the man said. He kicked Doof in the shin, then stormed off.

Doof closed the door. "Huh. Well. That was random."

His door flew open again. "No. No it wasn't!" the angry little man hissed, before slamming the door behind him.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Part 16 … Vs. …: Chapter 148 Chris Vs. Golden Times Gone Past

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 16 … Vs. …

Chapter 148 Chris Vs. Golden Times Gone Past

-oooooo-

Elise and Chris walked hand in hand as they made their way through the bakery parking lot. Both tried to focus their attention on the beautiful lavender and orange sunset in the distance, and not the large green T-Rex that was tied to a fire hydrant next to the bakery and feasting on a large pile of Burgerphile burgers.

“It was nice of Wally to close early,” Elise said.

Chris nodded. “Well, he was the only one at of the bakery to not fight any of Dan and Pinkie’s enemies when Dan got kidnapped, so Pinkie asked if she could throw a party here as a favor.”

“Makes, sense…” Elise said. “Not sure what use he would have been, anyhow. Aside from taking a few blows, that is… He’s unusually tough-skinned.”

Chris reached for the door which had a large sign that read ‘Closed to the public due to private party’ written in pink glitter pen. The sign also sported a large doodle of a smiling cartoon pony with curly hair holding up a tray of cupcakes and encouraging the reader to ‘Come back tomorrow’.  He opened it and held the door open for Elise who walked inside.

“ELISE!”

Elise instinctively braced herself and shifted her body to minimize damage to vital organs as Pinkie’s arms wrapped around her body. She felt her arms squeeze against her sides as Pinkie strong grip held her tightly.

“Oooff… Good to see you too, Pinkie,” Elise said as she looked over Pinkie who was wearing her vest, white shirt, and cut-off jean ensemble.

Chris walked in behind Elise.

“Oh it’s been so long!” Pinkie cried as she released Elise and stood back just far enough to look at Elise. “Where does the time go?”

“Uh… Pinkie?” Elise replied. “We saw each other a few days ago.”

“Really?” Pinkie said, tapping her chin. “To me it feels like we suddenly jumped forward to late December, and then a few days later it was June again!”

“Erm… okay… I’m not sure how to respond to that… ” Elise commented.

“Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie said excitedly as she bounced up and down. “Maybe we can work together to figure out a way to respond!”

Chris looked past Pinkie and his wife to a familiar-looking short man with an equally familiar grumpy expression.

“Hey, Dan!” Chris said with a cheerful grin.

“I’m not hugging you,” Dan announced flatly.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t think you would.”

Dan nodded. “Good, because I’m not.”

Chris rolled his eyes.

“CHRIS!”

“Hey, Pink—”

‘CRACK!’

“GHA!” Chris exclaimed as he felt a shooting pain in his back.

Dan shook his head. “You should know by now to reposition your spine when she yells your name like that. You have no one to blame but yourself.”

“DAN!”

Dan’s eyes widened and he quickly stiffened up as Pinkie threw her arms around him.

“Oooff. See?” Dan said in a strained tone of voice.

Pinkie began to rub her face against Dan’s, giggling to herself as she did.

“The heck, Goofball? You couldn’t have missed me that much…”

“Hehehe…” Pinkie let go of Dan. “I had an itch on my cheek, your stubble is the perfect itch scratcher.” Pinkie looked up at Chris and Elise again. “Oh! Before I forget…” In a pink flash, Pinkie was gone and back holding two plastic red cups. “I made punch for everyone!” she announced as she held the cups out for Chris and Elise.

“Thanks, Pinkie,” Elise said as she accepted her cup.

“Yeah, thanks!” Chris said happily.

“You’re welcome!” Pinkie said. She gave Elise and Chris a knowing grin. “Now don’t go too crazy with the punch…”

Elise took a sip and gave Pinkie a confused look. “Okay… why?”

Pinkie giggled and leaned close to Elise, raising her hand to block her voice. “Let’s just say the secret ingredient is passion fruit.”

Chris took a sip. “Is that a euphemism or do you just mean—”

“It’s Pinkie,” Dan said rolling his eyes. “Take a guess, monkey face.”

“Junior! So nice to see you again,” a masculine voice called out.

Pinkie’s hair stood up as her eyes widened and she clenched her teeth together. She quickly turned to the source of the voice looking very much like a startled cat. “Just remembered! I have to… muffin… launch…” Pinkie said as she began to walk off.

Dan raised an eyebrow at Pinkie. “Goofball, that wasn’t even a sent—WHA!” he exclaimed as Pinkie reached out for his arm and dragged him along with her.

Elise frowned as her mother and father walked up. Chris tensed slightly as they approached.

“Mom… Dad… You’re…both… here…” Elise said flatly.

Elise Sr. smiled. “Well, I got an invitation from Pinkie… and you know how your father just loves trying new cupcakes and checking out stores to try to expand his own business. So here we are.”

“Riiiight…” Elise said. She leaned her head to the side looking past her parents. “Just the two of you?”

Elise Sr. smiled. “Yes, we just wanted to see how you were doing, Jun—Elise.”

Elise breathed a sigh of relief.

Don looked about the colorfully decorated bakery with its equally colorful assortment of occupants. “So what’s this whole rescuing Dan thing about? Don’t tell me this child’s birthday party setup is some sort of misguided attempt at an intervention for just about everything Dan does.”

Chris shook his head. “Dan got captured by this guy who had something of a back-and-forth grudge with Dan. Almost everyone here came together to help save Dan… some in a more roundabout way than others.”

“GIBSON!” Amber cried out. “Her face is up about a foot from where your eyes are pointed!”

Elise, Chris, Don, and Elise Sr. looked up at a trio of fellow party goers.

Gibson sighed heavily. “Yes, mom…”

“STOP TELLING TRIXIE’S NUMBER ONE FAN WHICH PARTS OF TRIXIE HE’S ALLOWED TO STARE AT!” Trixie snapped back.

Chris continued, “And some are just dates of people who helped saved Dan.” Chris narrowed his eyes at Don.

Elise Sr. cringed and lifted a hand, waving it back it forth in a ‘cut it out’ fashion.

Elise cleared her throat. “Well, I’m glad you two, and not any of my ex’s, showed up.”

Don slumped his shoulders and sighed. “Well, your mother insisted we should work things out”— Don looked at Chris and clenched his teeth—“as a family…”

‘BOOM!’

Without warning, a torrent of muffins slammed into Don and Elise Sr., exploding into a messy mass on impact and covering the pair in a warm and sticky coating.

“Oh, muffins!” Chris said happily was he wiped a finger down Don’s arm, collecting bits of gooey, smashed muffins onto his finger, and placed it all into his mouth.

Don glared at Chris.

“Junior!” Elise Sr. cried. “What the heck is going on!?” She demanded as she shook her hands. Some of the doughy mass of muffins fell off in loud plops.

Elise shrugged. “Beats me… this sort of stuff just happens around here…”

“Hehehe, Sorry!” Pinkie said as she bounded up, Dan close behind. “Just trying new ways of getting the muffins out faster! Looks like the muffin launcher needs a little less power… or more… All part of the trial and error scientiferic process!”

Don’s eye twitched slightly. “Hello Dan… Pinkie… it sure is… seeing you again,” he said, intentionally omitted a word as if his expression and aggravated tone made it clear enough.

Dan looked up into the glaring faces of Don and Elise Sr. “Hello, Elise’s parents,” he said. “Thanks for being our test subjects.”

Don narrowed his eyes further at Dan. “We neither asked nor agreed to be your test subjects.”

Dan nodded. “Oh, I know, but that just made the experiment that much more of a success.”

Don brushed off some of the obliterated mass of muffins from his body; it came off in a gooey mass that spattered on the floor. “How was this a success?”

Dan smiled. “The looks on your faces are letting me know this will be perfect for firing at the customers when they get unruly… or if I just get bored.”

“Well I happen to know a little something about running cupcake stores, and shooting your customers with muffins is not a great way to run a business.”

“Yeah…” Chris uttered. “You really don’t know how things work around here…”

Don turned to Chris and shot him a scowl.

Chris mirrored the expression, sans the smears of muffin residue still on Don’s face.

Elise Sr. looked back and forth between Don and Chris with a slightly nervous expression and reached for Don’s hand. “Let’s just clean ourselves up, alright?”

Don sighed heavily. “Fine, guess I can at least pick the owner’s brain a bit. I can’t believe a place run completely by people who should be in an asylum is this profitable…” Don muttered as Elise Sr. walked the both of them towards the bakery’s restrooms.

“Pinkie?”

“Yes, Elise?”

Elise smiled. “Nice shot.”

“Thanks!” Pinkie’s eyes drifted off into the crowd and she gasped. “It’s Crunchy! Dan, we need to say ‘hi’ and give him some punch.”

Dan gave out a small annoyed growl as Pinkie dragged him off. “I swear you have me running around more than I do when I’m working!”

Elise watched the couple go, then motioned out into the Bakery. “So D.H. brought her family?” she  said as she motioned to a tall man in a brown suit and long brown coat whom D.H. had her arms wrapped around, the act looking equal parts affection and attempting to remain upright. They stood next to a young girl in a purple hoodie whose hands waved about as she excitedly explained something or another to Sarge, who had lowered himself to one knee to better get to the girl’s height.

Chris nodded. “Her husband apparently came to her and Crunchy’s rescue when they were captured by androids. He brought their daughter along.”

“Wow…” Elise muttered. “That seems… grossly irresponsible,” she added, watching as Pinkie ran up with an excited Crunchy. Pinkie quickly said something to D.H.

“I said pretty much the same thing,” Chris said. “Though, D.H. insisted it was much safer than leaving her alone… Apparently her daughter there took out an android with a microwave gun or something.”

Elise grinned. “A HERF gun? Awww, that takes me back…” She took another glance at D.H.’s husband. He was easily a few inches over six feet tall and had piercing blue eyes, if a slightly messy-looking coif of spiky brown hair. He seemed slightly pensive regarding something Pinkie said, while D.H., his daughter and Sarge all seemed excited.

Elise’s smile faded slightly. “Still, no offense to D.H., I’m a tad surprised her husband is so handsome.”

“I know, right?”

Elise and Chris looked towards Dan, who had wandered up to them.

Dan continued, “She seems like such a clueless klutz, yet she lands a total dreamboat!”

Elise smirked. “Jealous?”

Dan shook his head. “No way, Pinkie is way hotter than that guy.”

Chris took a sip of his drink. “I am very confused right now, so I’m going to change the subject. Where is Pinkie?”

Wally ran behind Dan with a fire extinguisher in his hands as Dan let out an annoyed grunt. “Pinkie just invited all those grown-up-children plus one regular child to participate in a game of ‘pin the tail on the pony’. Since D.H. is involved, the game catching fire is guaranteed. Figured I better put some distance between it and myself to avoid receiving any blame.”

Elise nodded. “Makes sense… I mean… as much as a fire breaking out during a game that only involves a poster, a pin and a tail does…”

“Well, it’s like I always say,” Dan began, “the more fun people are having, the more likely everything is just going to catch on fire.”

Chris cocked an eyebrow at Dan. “When do you say that?”

“Always!” Dan fired back. “Shut up!”

“I’m back!”

“Gha!” Chris cried in surprise as Pinkie appeared from behind him.

Dan gave Pinkie the barest hints of a smile. “Hey Goofball, that was a short game.”

“Yeah…” Pinkie said in a sheepish tone. “That’s on fire now… In hindsight, I’m not sure what I was thinking about letting D.H. go first. I guess it’s like you always say, ‘the more fun people are having, the more likely everything is just going to catch on fire.”

Dan looked up at Chris and smirked.

Chris let out a defeated sigh.

Dan shook his head and turned back towards Pinkie. “Well let’s try to forget about your many bad decisions and concentrate on your few good ones. Like you going to see Dismemberfest with me!” Dan said with a grin full of unusually clean teeth.

Pinkie suddenly went stiff as a board as her eyes stared off into the distance. Her lips opened into a manic-looking smile.

“Wait, the horror movie festival?” Chris asked. “You can’t be serious.”

“As serious as a school bus fire!” Dan said happily.

Elise gave Pinkie a concerned look. “Pinkie, are you sure about this? You hate those types of movies.”

Pinkie’s teeth began chattering uncontrollably. “I tha-tha-think it’s a ga-ga-good time to fa-face my fa-fa-fa-fears…”

“Well… if you’re sure…” Elise uttered.

“I remember when Dan and I would go...” Chris said wistfully. “Sometimes I still wake up screaming remembering scenes from ‘Camp co-ed slaughter party four’…”

Dan nodded. “They’re playing the entire series this year.”

“Ya…yay…” Pinkie said weakly. Her eyes suddenly shifted, focusing out into the bakery dining area. “OH! Becky and Ninja Dave! They need punch!”

Dan sighed and extended a hand as Pinkie quickly grabbed hold of it and dragged him off.

Chris watched them go with a sad expression on his face. “Guess that’s another Dismemberfest I’ll be missing.”

Elise scrunched her brow up in confusion as her lips attempted to purse and open at the same time. She attempted to work them for a few seconds in silence before she could manage to get words out. “You… you hate those types of movies.”

Chris shook his head. “It’s not about the movies… Dan just doesn’t really invite me to anything anymore, except bingo that is.”

“I thought you told me you and Dan squared that away… Plus between dealing with Pinkie’s near assassination and Dan’s kidnapping, it’s not like you haven’t had plenty of crazy, life-threatening adventures.”

Chris shook his head. “It’s not about the vengeance runs. It’s the other things… Like Dan dragging me to places he wants to go to, that I don’t really want to go to… or trying to get me to go with him when it’s inconvenient for me… You know the things that when I can’t go that lead to vengeance runs.”

Elise blinked a few times as she took a large gulp of her drink. “And this is something you miss…”

Chris sighed. “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, I guess…”

“Pretty sure no one has thought that about years of being dragged off to movie marathons they don’t actually want to watch.”

“Maybe I should do something to remind Dan I’m still an option to just hang out with…” Chris mused.

“You could always just talk to Dan and tell him how you feel.”

Chris cocked an eyebrow. “This is Dan we’re talking about. How far do you think I’d get before he starts making fun of me for having feelings?”

Elise scrunched her lips to the side. “Alright, point taken.”

Chris stared at Pinkie and rubbed his chin. “In Dan’s case I’m probably better off making me his number one option.”

“Alright, but I’m pretty sure Pinkie has quite a number of advantages over you that you can’t really compete with,” Elise said before raising her cup to her lips.

“I know that. That’s why I need to eliminate Pinkie as an option…”

Elise’s eyes widened in surprise as she sprayed punch out of her mouth. “WHAT?! Chris, that’s completely and utterly crazy! I mean… you know what happened to the last group that kidnapped Pinkie.”

“I don’t want to kidnap or hurt her!” Chris exclaimed. “But… maybe I could detain her for a day somehow… I mean… she pretty much has the attention span of a goldfish.”

Elise gave Chris a worried expression. “Okay… I guess there’s a possibility that can be pulled off without hurting anyone… But this still sounds pretty crazy… I know spending time with Dan is important to you, but you’ll just have to accept Dan is going to want to spend more time with Pinkie!” Elise said. “I mean… Dan had to do the same when you started dating me.”

Chris simply dropped his eyelids slightly and stared at Elise as he let his expression do the talking for him.

Elise frowned. “Alright… bad example…”

Chris sighed. “See! Dan has been in my shoes, and he didn’t just let some... er… incredibly smart and beautiful woman stand between him and spending time with his best friend!”

“Nice save,” Elise said before taking another sip of punch. “But I think this is really an opportunity for you to be the better man here. If you’re lonely, just try going out to do something you actually like with some of the other guys here!”

Chris said nothing and simply stared longingly at Pinkie and Dan as Dan mimed attacking someone with a chainsaw to Ninja Dave and Becky. Next to Dan, Pinkie forced a nervous grin as began to shiver uncontrollably next to Dan.

Elise frowned. “Chris, did you hear what I just said?”

“That should be me next to Dan, shaking because I’m terrified of the movies I’m being dragged to.”

Elise narrowed her eyes at Chris as she took a sip of her drink. “Chris, I’m not convinced you actually think about some of the things you say before you say them… Dan either…” Elise frowned. “Also Pinkie…” Elise’s brow pulled forward as she stared up towards the corners of her eyelids. “In fact, I think I need to go consult someone who isn’t any of you three and hope they have something sensible to say about this.”

Chris nodded. “Alright, beautiful… I’ll be right here when you’re done… Just… just lamenting about golden years gone past.”

“Yeah, I really need to talk to someone else about this…” Elise said as she wandered off.

Across the bakery, the now-routine call of “Look out!” was exclaimed as a tray of cupcakes sailed through the air on a collision course for an unlucky occupant of the bakery.

‘SPLAT!’

“TRIXIE IS COVERED IN FROSTING!” Trixie looked down at her light blue blouse, and puffed out her lower lip. “And this is one of my favorite blouses too! I only have about a dozen just like it…”

“It’s okay!” Gibson said. “You can clean up in the kitchen!” He grinned. “I can help get the frosting off, and—”

“Gibson!” Amber snapped. “Keep your hands off of her.”

“Alright, mom, geez!” Gibson cried.

“And stop calling me that!” Amber cried.

Trixie narrowed her eyes at Amber and walked up to her. “Trixie can make her own decisions regarding who gets to touch her sexy body, thank you very much.”

Amber gave Trixie a smug smirk. “And this includes options that might land you in jail?”

Trixie gritted her teeth. “Oh, you better watch your back, old lady. Trixie doesn’t like other people getting into her business.”

“Anytime, anywhere, you third-person talking floozy.”

Trixie shot Amber one last sneer, did an about face, and trudged away.

Gibson watched as Trixie stormed off towards the back of the store, then turned and looked at Amber.

“What?” Amber said. “You were trying to take advantage of the situation and you know it!”

Gibson shook his head. “It’s not that… I mean… that was pretty blatant even for me. It’s just… Trixie really doesn’t like you.”

“The feeling’s mutual,” Amber said.

“Well, you’re getting under her skin and I think she’s actually trying to figure out how to get back at you.”

Amber’s expression softened. “Wait… are you worried she might attack me?”

Gibson shook his head. “No, I was wondering if you could forbid her from sleeping with me or something… I mean, if you tell her not to, she might just do it out of spite.”

“I… WHAT?!” Amber cried. “You’re actually that desperate you’d let your first time sleeping with someone be over the girl trying to get back at someone else?!”

Gibson crinkled his brow slightly. “… Is this a trick question?”

Amber made a disgusted sound as she turned and walked away.

“Think it over!” Gibson shouted after Amber. “You’d really be doing me a solid!”

“Mom!” Dinky cried in an exasperated tone as she leaned over D.H.. “I wanted to eat one of those! And now they’re all smashed!”

“Sorry Dinkums…” D.H. said from the floor. “Momma just doesn’t know what went—”

“Momma, you trip all the time!” Dinky cried. “How can you not know what went wrong?!”

D.H. shot Dinky an annoyed look as the Doctor leaned down and helped D.H. back to her feet.

“Dearest?” the Doctor began. “You know I hate to be one to add insult to injury, but why did you try to carry a full tray of cupcakes?”

“Dinky said she wanted one!” D.H. protested as she looked up at her husband with puffy red cheeks. “I was just trying to be helpful…”

“Yes, there’s a whole bloody building full of your co-workers who could have done it if you’d just asked.”

D.H. narrowed her eyes at her husband. “I…” she frowned heavily as she thought about this. “I don’t actually have a response to that.”

Dinky looked down at the mess of cupcakes on the floor than back up to her mother. “Momma, can I still have a floor cupcake?”

D.H. blushed slightly. “Er… I know it was my fault they ended up on the floor, but…”

The Doctor sighed. “Dinky, I’m sure there are plenty of other cupcakes that haven’t been on the floor you can have.”

“But Pinkie’s eating one!” Dinky protested as she pointed at Pinkie Pie.

The Doctor and D.H. turned towards Pinkie, giving her a disapproving look and receiving a sheepish grin in return.

“What?” Pinkie protested. She shoved a slightly smashed cupcake into her mouth. “Thewy’re stiwll gwood!”

“Geez, I know right?” Dan said as he raised his own smashed cupcake to his mouth. He took a bite, chewed, and swallowed. “Heck, Wally even insists we clean the place once a day!” Dan looked around. “It’s practically as sterile as a hospital in here.”

The Doctor looked down at D.H. “Dearest, is everyone you work with a loony?”

D.H. smirked. “It’s a place that hired me and hasn’t fired me despite nearly daily accidents,”—D.H.’s smile widened as she gave her husband a knowing look –“Mr. Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey.”

The Doctor’s cheeks turned slightly red as he cleared his throat. “I retract my previous statement…”

“Hi, Amber,” Elise said as she walked up to Amber who stood staring angrily out a window.

“Elise, hi!” Amber said cheerfully as she turned and put a smile back on her face. She raised her plastic cup. “Great punch, huh? Pinkie really knows how to throw a ‘thanks for helping me rescue my boyfriend party’.”

Elise smiled back at Amber. “Parties are kind of her thing… literally.”

“… Oh? What makes you say that?”

“Erm…”  Elise nodded towards Gibson. “Couldn’t help but notice you’re playing chaperone.”

Amber sighed. “I’m just trying to keep Gibson from doing something he’ll regret…”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “By the looks of things, Gibson’s life is mostly composed of things he regrets. Mostly using the kid as walking moral support or not, I’m guessing this is a pretty high on the list of things Gibson considers a ‘win’.”

Amber sighed heavily. “I just think he can do better than that crazy, self-centered psycho.”

“… I’m not sure we’re talking about the same person here.”

Amber gritted her teeth. “I’m sorry, but did you need something?”

Elise sighed. “Yes actually, I need your psychological expertise.”

“Oh!” Amber said her smile returning. “Well in your case there’s probably a lot to cover, but we can start with the obvious issue of your parents…”

“Not for me!” Elise cried. “I think Chris has an unhealthy attachment to Dan.”

Amber raised an eyebrow. “Pretty sure that’s called ‘being friends with Dan’.”

Elise sighed heavily. “I know, I know! Believe me, I’ve tried to intervene there, but Dan has been Chris’s one and only friend since they were just kids! Well… had been until very recently, that is…”

“Alright, so why doesn’t Chris branch out and try hanging out with someone else?” Amber suggested as she gently motioned towards the others in the bakery.

“I suggested that, too!” Elise bemoaned. She made a frustrated growl. “But Chris is really hung up on Dan… He can’t seem to adjust to the fact that Dan now wants to spend most of his time with Pinkie. Even though it means less of Dan dragging Chris off to some movie marathon he doesn’t want to watch or being forced to dress like a jester for Dan’s amusement.”

“Hmmmm…” Amber hummed thoughtfully. “Well new relationships certainly can disrupt old friendships. The completely bizarre nature of Chris and Dan’s friendship aside, I can see Dan focusing less of his attention on Chris as something Chris is having trouble adjusting to. ”

“Trouble doesn’t begin to describe it! He wants to somehow distract or detain Pinkie so she’s too busy to go to see a bunch of cheap horror movies with Dan so Dan will get Chris to come with him instead! And Chris hates those types of movies!”

Amber took a long sip of punch as she considered this information. “Yes… ‘Completely bizarre’ was definitely the correct phrase…”

“Well, what should I do?” Elise asked. “Chris is really serious about this… I don’t think even a few gallons of ice cream topped with whipped cream will make him get over it…”

Amber glanced up as she thought over Elise’s predicament. She smiled as she looked back at Elise. “Well, I think you should help Chris see this through…”

“... Really? You think helping Chris temporarily detain Pinkie so he can go out to watch movies he hates with his psychotic friend is the best solution?”

“Elise, Chris is currently in a delicate focal point in his life and it’s clear to me things are moving far too fast to be mentally healthy for him. He really needs the support of his spouse at such a crucial junction.”

Elise scrunched her lips and thought about this. “I guess that makes sense… and if I help I can make sure no one gets hurt…” Elise gave Amber a small smile. “Thanks Amber, you really helped clear this up for me,” she said before turning back to find Chris.

“Anytime,” Amber said with a smile. She chuckled to herself as Elise walked away. “You get a PhD in psychology and they listen to anything you say…”

-oooo-

“So, maybe it’s time I reach out to someone else than Dan, you know?” Chris posed to the group sitting at the table with him.

Crunchy rested a hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Brah, I sense this is a big step into the big, wide, rainbow-colored world of friendship.”

Sarge nodded. “Yeah, Dan’s a stand-up guy and a natural born leader, but it wouldn’t hurt to hang out with other people from time to time.”

Jean looked up from a notepad he was writing in. “Hey, Chris? About how much do you weigh? I just need to know for… uh… a normal reason someone would say to ask about someone’s weight.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Most people don’t ask about someone else’s weight unless they’re a doctor.”

“But I am a doctor!” Jean said.

“… And you were examining me.”

Jean smiled wide. “Could I? That would make this all much easier…”

“Hey sweetie,” Elise said as she walked up. “So I was thinking and I thought it would be a good idea if I helped with your… uh… little plan…”

Chris’s face lit up. “Really? That sounds great!”

Sarge and Crunchy groaned as they pushed their chairs away from the table, grabbed their cups, and stood up. Jean looked at both of them, then placed his notepad and pen back into his lab coat. He pushed his own chair away from the table and stood up, grabbing his drink.

The three walked away from the table.

Crunchy sighed. “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, brahs…”

Sarge gave Crunchy a confused look. “I don’t think that expression fits here…”

“Sorry dude,” Crunchy said as he held up his cup. “Must be the passion fruit talking…”

“Oooookay… How about we just go for a nice, relaxing ride on the dinosaur!”

“Whoa!” Crunchy said as he smiled wide. “Who could say no to that?”

Jean reached into his lab coat and pulled out a massive syringe full of a neon-pink liquid. “And we can inject it with this!”

Sarge frowned. “No! No more injections! Tyra was hard enough to handle before she could shoot radioactive fire from her mouth.”

“But think of the possibilities!” Jean said with an excited smile. “Imagine if she could fly.”

Sarge shook his head. “She’d be unstoppable.”

Crunchy chimed in, “Truly a living and terrifying monument to man’s folly at playing with Mother Nature.”

“See!” Jean said. “It’s win-win all around!”

Elise watched the other three guys walk away. “Wait… what were you three talking about?”

“Oh… nothing…” Chris said. “Just… just happy you’re supporting me on this one, beautiful.”

Elise smiled. “Anything for my handsome husband.”

Chris nodded. “Alright, just one thing.” Chris handed Elise his drink. “Here, hold this.”

“Uh… Sure…” Elise said as she took Chris’s plastic cup in her free hand.

Chris quickly made a run for the front doors of the bakery, making his way outside. Chris balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“PIIIIIIINKIEEEEEE PIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!”ChrisVs.Pinkie Pie

Elise sighed heavily and  shook her head.

“… Did someone just call my name?” Pinkie asked as she looked up, her head darting from side to side.

“Pinkie!” Wally called out. “Your game of musical chairs has erupted into fire… unsurprisingly.”

“Dan!” Becky exclaimed. “What the heck?!”

“Dude, not cool!” Ninja Dave cried.

Dan held up his lighter and glared at Ninja Dave as Becky folded her arms across her chest and glared at him, a flaming chair behind her.

“Hey, if I can’t have the chair, no one can!” Dan exclaimed. “That’s just how things work in the high-stakes world of musical chairs!”

“Coming!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she bounded over to the now smoky part of the bakery, pulling a fire extinguisher out of her huge mop of curls.

From a corner of the bakery, Don and Elise Sr. followed Pinkie with their eyes, serious, contemplative expressions on both their faces.

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie: Chapter 149 Chris & Elise Vs. Planning

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie

Chapter 149 Chris & Elise Vs. Planning

-oooooo-

Twilight sighed heavily as she stared at, or rather, through the old wood-framed mirror that hung on the wall of her library home.

“You know, when you said you needed our help for a ‘Pinkie situation’, this is not what I thought you meant.”

From the other side of the mirror, Elise shot Twilight a pleading look. “Sorry! It’s just that we hit a bit of a brick wa—”

Twilight continued, “It is, in fact, almost the complete opposite of what I thought you meant.”

Elise frowned slightly. “Sorry Twilight, but this is important to Chris… and by extension, me. We need peo—ponies who’ve known Pinkie a long time to help us sort out her strengths and weakness!”

Twilight motioned towards the people on the other side of her mirror. “You look like you’ve both got it figured out well enough!”

A large paper pad on a stand stood next to Elise, Chris standing on the other side. Chris held a black marker and stared at the board is if deep in thought. At the top ‘Pinkie’ was written. This was over two columns separated into a ‘Strengths’ and ‘Weaknesses’ category. The ‘Strengths’ column had ‘Unpredictable’, ‘Fast’, ‘Ice skating’, and ‘Potentially homicidal when provoked’. The ‘Weaknesses’ column had ‘Candy’, ‘Parties???’, ‘Needles’. The word ‘CRAZY!’ was scrawled at the bottom of the sheet across both columns.

“Alright,” Elise said, “but we’re stuck on coming up with a plan.”

Chris looked up. “Well we do have a plan…”

Elise rolled her eyes. “A better plan!”

“I don’t know, Elise,” Twilight said. “I know Chris’s plan sounds ridiculous, but this is Pinkie we’re talking about… it just might work…”

“See!” Chris said. “Twilight likes it!”

Twilight pursed her lips slightly. “Well let’s not be putting verbs in other pony’s mouths…”

The sound of giggling could be heard from off to the side of Twilight.

“That’s what she said,” Rainbow Dash piped up.

Laughter suddenly erupted, laughter Rainbow Dash was more than happy to lend her voice to.

Twilight turned and fired a scowl off to the source of the laughter. “Dash! Stop!” she ordered. “Spike! Stop encouraging her!”

Elise wrinkled her brow and shot an irritated glance at her wall. “Look, we’ll try Chris’s idea as a last resort, but I have some misgivings about it.”

Chris turned towards Elise and frowned. “Misgivings? Like what?”

“For starters, we don’t live in a cartoon.”

-ooo-

Pinkie suddenly shot upright in bed, her eyes wide, and her mop of pink curls even more disheveled than usual. As quickly as her eyes had opened, her eyelids quickly lowered as she adjusted to the sunlight that snuck into the room from between the cracks in the blinds. She held the covers to her chest, which gently clung to her shapely body. The sudden movement of both person and covers caused a few items to slip off the bed. A rubber chicken hit the floor with a soft squeak, as did a plastic spatula and an egg beater which landed against a spray can of whipped cream with a ‘clank’.

Dan, who was lying to Pinkie’s right, stirred at the sound. He scrunched up his closed eyelids as Pinkie’s movement meant a sudden increase of light on his face. From beneath the covers, he encircled his arms around Pinkie’s waist and pulled himself slightly closer to Pinkie, his nose making contact with her behind’s bare cheek.

“What’s up, Goofball?” Dan asked groggily.

Pinkie quickly darted her head to look down at Dan. “Do you ever get the feeling you’re needed elsewhere to point something out?”

Dan yawned. “Only when I feel people are being stupid… which is every second of my life…” Dan cocked open an eye and stared up at Pinkie. “But it’s too early to discuss potentially psychic abilities.”

Pinkie glanced over towards the nightstand by the bed. “Dan, it’s eleven.”

“Far, far too early…” Dan said grumpily. With his barely open eyes, Dan looked Pinkie up and down. “Why are you covering yourself up? It’s just you and me in here. I have serious doubts you have anything to hide from me at this point.”

“We’re rated teen!” Pinkie answered shrilly. “If I sat uncovered naked in bed, then that would have to be described! Then the story might need a higher rating!”

A smirk slowly oozed its way across Dan’s face, flowing with the same speed as if someone drizzled syrup on pancakes. His hands began to move down Pinkie’s body slightly. “Oh, I’ll give you a higher rating…”

Pinkie’s eyes widened again as her lips curled upwards into a goofy smile. “Da…Daaaaan~!” she moaned out in pleasure.

-ooo-

“Twilight,” Applejack said as she walked up to Twilight and then looked at the mirror, “Chris, Elise… Ah hate to be the rain on everypony’s shindig here, but Ah think the cow is out of milk, if ya catch my meaning.”

Rainbow Dash hovered into view, “Yeah! What weird farm thing A.J. said.”

“Hey!” Applejack protested. “You understood what I meant though!”

Rainbow Dash threw her arms out to her sides. “Sure, but it’s not like you need to come up with a weird farm thingy to say every time you need to make a point…”

Spike strolled into view. “She even used two that time!”

“See!” Rainbow Dash said. “You’re like… overwatering the apple trees… or something…”

Applejack pushed up her hat and crinkled her brow slightly. “Just leave the farm similes to the professionals.”

Twilight stared out into open space with an irritated look on her face. “Dash, A.J., stop arguing. Spike, stop helping.”

Spike frowned. “But it’s what I do!”

“I hate to interrupt,” Rarity said as she joined the group in front of the mirror, “but this is time I could either be using to catch up on orders or practice my archery…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow Dash said as she tried to sound unimpressed. “We all know you can make exploding things with your magic. No need to rub it in our faces!”

Rarity smirked. “Jealous?”

Rainbow Dash sighed and hung her head slightly. “Yeah…”

“Hey,” Elise chimed in, “why don’t we just go around one last time and see if anyone has any more ideas? Applejack?”

Applejack frowned. “Well… Ah once accidently helped make some muffins that were so bad that Pinkie got food poisoning. Ah mean… the girl will at least try anythin’…”

Chris added ‘Will eat anything’ to the list of weaknesses.

Applejack continued, “But I think food poisoning might be takin’ this a bit far…”

“Rainbow Dash?” Elise asked.

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes at Elise slightly. “I told you already, I’m a con-scientist object-s’more!”

Twilight’s left eye twitched. “You mean ‘conscientious objector’?”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yeah! Egghead word thing!”

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh.

Rainbow Dash hit a forehoof against her chest. “Element of loyalty represent, yo!”

“Spike?”

“Sorry Elise,” Spike said, “but Twilight just said I wasn’t allowed to help anymore.” Spike clenched his right claws together into a fist, then rubbed it against his chest. “Yep, it was a good one, too…”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Was it Chris’s idea but in space?”

Rainbow Dash raised her forehooves to her mouth in an attempt to stifle laughter.

“Well… yeah…” Spike admitted. “How did you know?”

“You have done nothing but add the words ‘in space’ to everypony's idea since you began helping.”

“Well somepony has to think outside the box!” Spike said. “Or planet in this case… the box like planet…”

“The planet is round, Spike,” Twilight said in an annoyed tone.

Spike frowned. “Alright, yeah… I got nothin’.”

“Fluttershy?” Elise continued.

Rarity answered, “She’s still passed out from when you told her what that beastly film festival was about!”

“Wha…?” Fluttershy uttered as she groggily trotted into view. “Did someone say my na—”

“‘Dismemberfest’?” Chris asked.

Fluttershy’s eyes rolled back into her head and she hit the ground with a soft ‘thump’.

Applejack sighed and trotted off. “Ah’ll go get the smelling salts…”

Elise sighed. “Rarity?”

“I find this whole exercise deplorable,” Rarity answered.

Chris frowned. “Well, we don’t want to hurt Pinkie or anything… Just delay or detain her so Dan decides to go to Dismemberfest with me instead.”

Fluttershy whimpered softly as her legs twitched in her sleep... or unconsciousness, rather.

“Still,” Rarity continued as she glanced up from Fluttershy, “this seems like the sort of thing good friends can talk over instead of scheme behind each other’s back.”

Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement. “I’m down with a good prank and all, but this is like... not good pranking…”

Rarity chuckled. “You certainly have a way with words, darling.”

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash protested. “You don’t need to word good to know how to fly… good!”

Twilight groaned then motioned to the other ponies and the dragon. “Sorry Elise, but I think you’ve gotten all you will out of us. Now if it were Dan you wanted to help brainstorm over, that might be different.”

“I’ll say,” Chris said. “Dan has superpowers now. Who knows how we’d have to account for that.”

“Awesome!” Spike exclaimed.

“Whoa, cool!” Rainbow Dash added.

Rarity frowned. “Well… that’s terrifying.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Dan… Dan figured out how to utilize the energy of the Nexus?!”

Chris shrugged. “I guess so… I mean… he was angry so he punched a supervillain into space with red energy.”

Elise stared off into open air. “It was equal parts impressive and absolutely terrifying.”

Applejack trotted back into view and spit a small packet out into a forehoof. “Back. Did Ah miss anythin’?”

Rarity turned towards her. “Dan has apparently mastered the magical powers of the cosmos well enough to punch superpowered individuals out of his planet and into space,” she said dryly.

Applejack simply stared at Rarity briefly, blinked a few times, then looked down at Fluttershy who still laid unconscious at everypony’s feet. She placed the pack in the side of her mouth and bent down to loop her arms under Fluttershy’s. She began to drag the mare away. “Iw’ll juws’ rewvive Fluttershy ofver hwere…”

“Wha…” Fluttershy answered. “What… what happened?” she said wearily as she was dragged away from the group.

Applejack opened her mouth allowing the packet of smelling salts to fall out of it. “Nothin’, Fluttershy. Jus’ think about bunnies, or somethin’…”

“Oh, bunnies…” Fluttershy said in a happy, if exhausted voice. “I like bunnies…”

Twilight looked about the ponies and Spike. “I think we’re done here.” She smiled. “How about everypony gets back to their day?”

“Happily!” Rarity said with a nod as she trotted off.

“What? No way!” Rainbow Dash protested. “If you two are going to talk about Dan’s superpowers, I definitely want to be here for that!” Rainbow Dash glanced down. “Right, Spike?”

“Ho yeah!” Spike agreed as he swung a clenched claw in front of his chest. “If Dan’s some sort of magic superhero, I want to hear all about my bro’s special abilities.”

Twilight frowned. “We’re going to discuss how the magical cosmic energy of the Nexus can be transferred to Dan’s anatomy based upon the physiological and chemical changes that happen when he gets agitated and how that results in an interdimensional shift of—”

Rainbow Dash held up her forehooves. “Alright, alright Princess Egghead. You could have just said you two nerds were going to make it boring!” Rainbow Dash looked back down and began to slowly fly way. “Come on Spike, let’s leave these geeks to their charts and junk…”

“Oh, alright…” Spike said begrudgingly as he followed Rainbow Dash.

Twilight watched to the two leave the library and turned back towards the mirror. “Has Dan mastered his ability to teleport objects yet?”

“Not that I know of,” Elise said. “So far it looks like he’s only used his powers to enhance his strength at will.”

“That’s a lot of enhancing,” Chris chimed in. “I think Dan’s gotten to the point where lifting the TV remote is too much effort if someone’s there to do it for him…”

Twilight tapped the side of her chin thoughtfully with a forehoof as she stared up at her ceiling. “Hmmm… Maybe we can test his ability at some point… It might help Elise and I figure out how we can get Pinkie back here…”

Elise pursed her lips slightly. “Tempting, but incredibly dangerous given the nature of Dan’s power…” She motioned to the large paper pad next to her. “Plus I’m in the middle of something.”

Twilight sighed. “Alright, we’ll discuss it later… Good luck… I guess…” The image in the mirror flickered with a purple light before the word ‘MUTE’ appeared on it in big bold purple letters.

“She seemed kind of upset…” Chris mused.

Elise shrugged. “Eh… It’ll pass… She knows this cross-dimensional stuff is pretty dangerous… You would not believe the unworldly things that have crawled out of portals I’ve opened under the house…”

Chris’s eyes went wide. “Uh… wha—”

“Well, I guess we’re going with your plan,” Elise quickly interrupted with a nervous smile.

Chris smiled. “Great! Let’s go pick up a crate and some candy… Ooo… Maybe we can buy a crate full of candy and kill two birds with one delicious stone!”

Elise sighed heavily and smacked a palm against her face. “Let’s just… let’s just get this over with…”

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie: Chapter 150 Pinkie Vs. Candy

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie

Chapter 150 Pinkie Vs. Candy

-oooooo-

Elise slowly tilted her head past a brick wall as she eyed a long line of candy that led away from the sidewalk and down a dark alleyway. The candy line weaved around dumpsters and bags of garbage as it went further and further into the alley, its end far away from the prying eyes of the public.

Despite the absurdity of what was being attempted, Elise found her instincts took over and that she was giving the task of luring her best friend into a dark alley with a trail of candy as much energy as she would any mission from her employer.

Soon her target approached, accompanied by the man she’d have to separate her from if this was going to work.

“All I’m saying is that the concept of daylight saving time is a fundamentally flawed one,” Dan said to his pink-haired companion who happily walked alongside him down the sidewalk, “and that maybe we should take some time to visit New Zealand, dig up George Vernon Hudson, and slap his corpse around a bit for all the pain he’s caused to the world.”

Elise ducked into the alley and ran for a large green dumpster hiding behind it. “Target sighted,” she said to the bluetooth device in her ear.

“Is Dan with her?” Chris asked from the other line.

“Yes,” Elise replied, “but he’s in the middle of a rant. There’s a good change Pinkie will peel off upon the candy trail and Dan will just keep talking. I’ll try to shadow her as she gets closer to the trap.”

“Oh! We should have code names!” Chris said excitedly.

“Code names?” Elise asked as she peered around her dumpster. She smiled to herself as she noticed Pinkie hunched over, slowly collecting pieces of candy as she followed the trail. Elise then looked up at a doorway down the alleyway in the building across from her.

Chris continued, “Yeah! I mean, with you helping me out this feels like a spy operation right out of a movie.”

Elise quickly rushed towards the doorway and hid behind it. “Well, that’s probably because I’m sort of a professional at this… the spy part that is… not so much the trail of candy leading to a crate,” Elise said as she stared at the candy trail again. She crinkled her brow and pursed her lips as she looked down the trail. Wait… something seems… off…

Chris continued to chat away on his phone. “What do you think my spy name should be?” he asked. “I mean… I do like ‘Steel Scorpion’, but that’s also my supervillain name. Should my spy name be different from my super villain name? Maybe something to do with bears.”

“Hey Chris,” Elise said, “there’s something strange going on with the candy trail.”

“Of course bears aren’t known for their stealth…” Chris mused. “Elise, you’ve seen a lot of weird animals… is there some sort of chameleon or praying mantis bear?”

“Hold that thought, Chris… Did you put down two candy trails?”

“Whaft?” Chris replied, his mouth muffled as if full. Elise had a pretty good idea of what it was full of. She shook her head. Chris could barely contain himself to lay down one candy trail… no way he’d leave a second.

“Someone’s been tampering with our bait…” Elise said.

Chris swallowed. “What? Are Dan and Pinkie on to us, you think?!”Chris asked in a distressed tone. “Is our mission blown?! Do we need to get new identities, flee the country, and lay low? Always one step above the law?”

Elise walked over to where the trail split off and examined the second trail. “I think that would be a bit extreme for what we’re attempting to do. Not to mention Dan and Pinkie aren’t that likely to contact the authorities.” She bent down and picked up one of the pieces of candy from the second trail and examined it; it had a shiny gold foil wrapper. Chris and I just bought some cheap generic candy in bulk… Elise followed the second trail of candy with her eyes.

“Beautiful? Everything okay?”Chris asked.

Elise began to follow the second candy trail. She soon discovered where it led.

“I don’t believe it…” Elise muttered.

“What?!” Chris cried. “Is it the fuzz? The Feds? Scary, secret agent guys like from the Matrix?! Oh God! I had no idea trying to trap my best friend’s girlfriend would draw this kind of attention!”

“Chris, calm down! We’re fine… just…. Just you better get over here.”

-ooo-

Pinkie jumped as she heard a loud ‘crash’ all around her and the dim light of the alley soon went pitch black. She quickly fumbled for her handbag in the darkness. Soon her phone provided some dim illumination. She hit the screen a few times and raised the phone to her ear. “Dan! Help!”

“Goofball? Where did you go? Are you okay?”

“I’m trapped!” Pinkie said in a somewhat panicky tone as her eyes darted in every direction.

“Trapped? Where!? Did someone kidnap you again?!”

“Well… so far I’m just trapped in a small dark place…” Pinkie knocked on one of the walls. “A small, dark wooden place.”

“… Like a crate?” Dan asked.

“Erm… More like a box that’s made out of wood…”

Dan’s irritated grumbling could be heard from the phone. “That’s what a crate is, doofus! That’s pretty much the definition of crate!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly. “Well I’m sorry if being trapped in a big square thing made out of dead tree has got me sort of discombobulated right now!”

“Okay, calm down,” Dan said.

“YOU CALM DOWN!” Pinkie cried shrilly at her phone.

“I am calm!” Dan said back. “I’m not the one freaking out because she’s trapped in a crate.”

“Oh, right…” Pinkie said. “ME CALM DOWN!” she shouted pointing at herself.

“Just tell me what happened.”

“Someone left a trail of candy, Dan! And when I followed it and grabbed the last piece that had a string attached to it, this cube-shaped object made of lumber fell down on me.”

Dan was silent for a moment. “… You’re telling me you followed a trail of candy until you were under a crate and still went for the last piece despite there obviously being a string attached around it!? You actually fell for the oldest trick in the book?”

“Dan! The trail had generic, colorful disc candy that tastes like chalk and sugar mixed together! I’m not made out of stone!”

Dan sighed. “Look, have you tried lifting the crate?”

“No, but…” Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “What if that’s what they want me to do?!”

“They?!” Dan cried. “Who’s they?!”

“IF I KNEW THAT I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU!” Pinkie screamed.

“Okay, okay, geez! Just…Oh, hey… Goofball, I’m pretty sure I just—”

“Wait…” Pinkie said as she heard the sound of approaching footsteps. “Oh my gosh, Dan! There’s someone here!”

“Goofball, just relax, it’s—”

“No, Dan! You have to listen to me! I’m about to be taken!”

Dan sighed heavily.

“Now when the bad guys lift the crate, I’m going to shout everything I see about them. Do you have a recorder ready?”

“Pinkie, I’m on the phone with you. What do you think?”

“Are you recording the call for quality assurance?”

“Why the heck would I do that?!” Dan snapped. “It was just you calling me! I’m not a call service center, Pinkie. Look, just hold on—”

“Okay, but I want you to use the information I shout out to go on a revenge spree. I imagine you’ll have to fight your way through many lowlifes involved in human trafficking, as well as corrupt government officials. You may have to shoot someone’s wife who really has nothing to do with this, but I’ll understand.”

The sound of wood scraping concrete was heard as light began to flood the crate from the bottom.

Pinkie began to shout at her phone. “AND IF YOU CAN’T RESCUE ME, AVENGE ME! AVENGE MEEEEEEEE!”

The crate began to slowly lift.

“Dan! They’re here! Uh… Fingers! Feet… Legs! Er… I mean… Black boots… JEANS… Black ‘JERK’ shirt? Er… Goatee… Angry expression… Dan?” Pinkie terminated the call as Dan gave the crate one last push. With a ‘bang’ it fell over, leaving Pinkie completely free.

“Are you done being melodramatic?” Dan asked.

“You’re the one who’s going to takenap me?!” Pinkie said. “I mean… if you wanted to do that, you could have just knocked me out at home!” Pinkie smiled sweetly at Dan. “But I do appreciate the extra effort.”

“No, stupid!” Dan said. “I’ve been looking for you ever since I noticed you were gone! Then I heard your high-pitched screaming and yelling. You weren’t exactly far.” Dan looked at the crate. “Though it does make me wonder who would be stupid enough to want to kidnap you.”

“Do you have to ask?” Pinkie said. “I mean, just a few days ago lots of people were involved in kidnapping you!”

“I said ‘stupid enough’, not who would be motivated to do it,” Dan said. “Most everyone who was involved in trying to extract revenge on us got thrashed… and they showed a little more creativity,” Dan said as he motioned to the crate.

Pinkie gasped. “Maybe it’s TOK finally making their move! I mean… they’re really taking their time with this whole thing considering what we did…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Goofball, they’re interdimensional energy beings who could teleport across dimensions. I think they could do better than a trail of candy and a wooden box.”

“I’m just thinking outside the crate, Dan.” Pinkie turned towards the crate and gave it a thoughtful look. “Although maybe I should start thinking inside the crate.”

Dan gave out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. “Let’s just go… We still need to pick up face paint and fake blood for Dismemberfest.”

Pinkie suddenly went stiff as a board as she forced a toothy grin onto her face. “Right… that thing… can’t… can’t wait…” She took another look at the crate. “Are you sure I shouldn’t maybe stay in the crate and think of who might want to—”

“Just come on!” Dan exclaimed as he walked away.

Pinkie whimpered slightly as she began to follow.

Dan launched back into his rant, almost as if the last several minutes had not occurred. “So anyways, once we’re done with Hudson, I say we travel to England and find William Willett’s grave and give him a thrashing, too.” Dan smiled to himself. “Then we can find Robert Pearce and give him the same treatment.” Dan turned. “What do you think Pinkie?”

Dan stopped walking as he noticed he was talking to open air.

“Pinkie?” Dan said as he looked around. He sighed heavily as he smacked a palm against his face. “Not again…”

-ooo-

“I can’t believe it,” Chris said, shaking his head.

Chris stood next to Elise, shooting angry looks at Don and Elise Sr. The older couple stood next to a crate which was propped up on a stick, the line of high-quality candy led up to underneath it with the last peace with a string attached to the stick.

“Even when I’ve stopped caring if you two like me or not, you’re still finding ways to make my life more difficult.” Chris shoved a handful of candy into his mouth. “Iwt’s swickenwing!”

“Stop eating our bait!” Don cried. “Also, it’s not easy having a do-nothing idiot as a son-in-law! I can’t believe that out of all the smart and very fit men Elise has dated over the years, she’d end up with you!”

Chris slowed. “Hey! I have a job!” he cried.

“Yeah! As a simple baker and cashier! Everyone else Elise dated had jobs too! Important jobs like astronaut and lifeguard!”

Elise sighed heavily. “Dad… pretty much every guy I’ve dated was also a self-centered narcissist who treated me as a helpless, and sometimes even brainless girl who was lucky to have them.”

Elise Sr. cocked an eyebrow. “So you settled for a fat, goofy idiot just because he was nice to you?”

“Chris appreciates me like no one else I’ve met before!” Elise narrowed her eyes as she looked between her parents. “And I do mean ‘no one else’.”

Elise Sr. frowned. “We just want what’s best for you, Junior…”

“No, you both just want what’s best for yourself!” Elise cried. “Always have!”

Chris gently rested a hand on Elise’s shoulder. “Sorry beautiful, but can we pleaseget back to how your parents are horrible people later? They’re sort of ruining our mission here.”

Elise turned towards Chris and nodded. “Of course, handsome.” She turned back towards her parents. “Why do you have a candy trail here in the middle of a dark alley?”

Don slowly breathed out in irritation. “We were trying to capture that pink-haired lunatic that works with Chris.”

“Seriously!?” Elise cried. “You two really are hopeless!”

Elise Sr. turned to her daughter. “Oh, and what where you two doing with your candy trail?!”

Elise sighed. “We just needed to keep Pinkie busy for about a day. We weren’t going to hurt her!”

“Neither were we!” Don insisted. “We just needed to ask Pinkie some questions.”

“Questions?” Chris asked.

“According to that boss of yours, Pinkie is the reason your bakery run by complete nut-jobs is such a success.”

Chris scrunched his lips to one side of his mouth as he thought about this. “Well, I suppose that’s technically true, but it’s not like there’s any great secret to how we keep it running. It was more like Pinkie’s involvement somehow caused a train to rocket forward and there’s no way to stop it now.”

Don furrowed his brow at Chris. “There’s got to be some method to—”

“Also the train is on fire,” Chris added.

Don sighed. “As I was saying, There’s got to—”

“Like... All the time.”

“WOULD YOU GIVE ME TIME TO RESPOND?!” Don snapped.

Elise took a step forward. “I think what Chris is getting at is there’s probably no secret method to how the bakery works… It just does and everyone there is just along for the ride at this point, Pinkie included.”

Chris nodded. “Right. I mean, I’m sure there’s a few things we do differently than other bakeries, but—”

“That!” Don exclaimed. “That right there is what I’d like to know.”

Chris sighed. “Well if it gets you out of our hair, I’m could tell you how the bakery is run.”

Don narrowed his eyes at Chris. “And why would we trust you? You hate us!”

Chris nodded. “Only because you’ve tried to kill me multiple times and have tried to ship me off to other countries.”

Elise gritted her teeth. “Remind me, why did I agree to attempt burying the hatchet with you two?”

Elise Sr. gave her a daughter a serious look.  “Because you owe me one.”

“You got paid!” Elise shot back.

“Paid?” Don said. “What’s this abo—”

Elise interrupted, “I don’t see why Pinkie is a better option than Chris. She hates you too.”

Elise Sr. sighed. “Yes, we know…”

Elise continued. “And this is Pinkie we’re talking about! Dan is her boyfriend! Boyfriend!Just let that sink in for a bit!”

Don smirked. “Clearly she’s a poor judge of character.”

Elise’s eyes narrowed. “You do realize I’m pretty much her best friend, right?”

Don’s smile dropped. “Uh… I didn’t mean…. I wasn’t….”

Chris chuckled and shook his head. “Great job patching up things with your daughter there, Don.”

Don turned and glared at Chris. “Hey! If you think I’m going to put up with flak from a goofy, overweight buffoon just because he’s married to my daughter, you are sadly mistaken.”

Elise Sr. frowned slightly. “Don, this isn’t helping.”

“Oh yeah?” Chris said. “What are you going to do about it? Make a second candy trail with a crate to trap me?”

Elise smiled. “You tell him, Chris!”

“Junior!” Elise Sr. snapped.

“What?!” Elise replied. “I’m still mad! And you’re right! Neither of you are helping.”

Don took a step closer towards Chris. “I wouldn’t need a box to deal with you!” he said threateningly.

Chris also took a step closer. “Oh yeah? Well maybe this whole conversation has me feeling a bit ursine.”

“Dear!” Elise Sr. said. “Calm down!”

“Go Chris!” Elise said. “Transform! Take him out!”

“Jun— Elise!” Elise Sr. cried. “Why aren’t you trying to stop this?”

“Why would I?” Elise asked. “It’s your husband that might get mauled by a bear!”

“He’s your father!”

“My father who’s tried to kill my husband more than once!”

Elise Sr. sighed heavily. “Am I the only one actually trying to keep this family together?”

“I really don’t know why you bother,” a high-pitched feminine voice commented. “Seems like a lost cause if you ask me.”

Elise Sr. wheeled to glare at the source of the voice. “No one asked you, Pinkie! Could you leave us alone? This is sort of a… uh…”

Pinkie casually unwrapped a piece of candy and popped it into her mouth. “‘Swort of a’ what?” Pinkie asked as she chewed on a piece of caramel candy.

“Oh dear,” Chris said in a worried tone.

Elise smacked a palm against her head.

Don glared at Chris. “Thanks. Great job blowing our cover.”

“ME?!” Chris exclaimed. “You two were the ones who set up a second candy trail to try and trap Pinkie.”

Elise Sr. groaned. “Good idea everyone. Let’s just tell the girl exactly what we’re doing so she knows what to avoid.”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Oh please! I mean… I’m really enjoying all the free candy, but I really hope no one ties me up and points a gun at me again!”

“No one is going to do anything like that!” Elise said. She turned towards her parents. “Right?”

Elise Sr. frowned. “Well… I guess I can rethink my questioning methods.”

Elise sighed heavily and shook her head. “Mom… really?”

Pinkie peered at the crate. “So why are you all trying to trap me?” She looked around at the people in the alley. “Is this some fun way of bringing the family together?”

“Uhh… Yes!” Don said as he put a smile on his face. “We thought it trapping you in a crate would be a fun family activity!”

Pinkie frowned. “Well, I don’t like being trapped in a crate.” She smiled. “But hey, free candy!”

Don walked up to Pinkie. “Well, maybe we can skip the crate and simply give you more candy if you answer some questions about the bakery.”

“Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Like what?”

“Well for starters, you can tell me why it’s so successful despite the fact you all run it like an out-of-control nut house!”

Pinkie giggled. “That’s not a secret or anything! Chris could have told you that!”

“That’s what I said!” Chris cried.

“Come on!” Don insisted. “You must have some secret method that keeps people coming to the bakery.”

Pinkie shrugged. “We just make really good food and people seem to like how crazy and fun it is at the bakery! They don’t even mind getting hit with cupcakes or finding socks in their muffins as long as they get free food.”

Don narrowed his eyes. “You’re telling me I should start throwing food at people and baking clothes into my cupcakes to attract business?!”

Chris spoke up. “Well it has to be good food and cupcakes.”

Pinkie nodded. “That is a rather important part.”

“My cupcakes are good!” Don insisted.

“Pffft… Sure they are,” Pinkie said sarcastically. “Still using imitation dyes and flavoring?”

Don crossed his arms and grumbled irritably to himself.

“Pinkie,” Elise said as she placed a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder, “we’re really sorry we tried to trap you with a crate.”

“That’s okay, Elise!” Pinkie said. “I understand your family is important to you.”

Elise sighed and shook her head. “No, it’s…” she turned and gave Chris a pleading look. “It’s something else…”

Chris swallowed and turned towards Pinkie, giving her a scared, apologetic look. “I wanted to detain you long enough that Dan decided to take me to Dismemberfest instead of you.”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “You want to make it so I can’t go to Dismemberfest with Dan?!”

Chris nodded his head up and down. “Sorry, but it was the only way I could think of Dan asking me to go with him! It’s not like I could just say that I miss spending time with him!”

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, he’d definitely just make fun of you for that.”

“So I got desperate and came up with this plan to trap you for a bit.” Chris interlaced his fingers and held his hands under his chin. “Please don’t stab me or remove my limbs with a chainsaw.”

“Chris, it’s fine, really!” Pinkie replied.

Chris and Elise exchanged surprised looks. “It is?” they said in unison.

Pinkie nodded as a devious smile suddenly took hold of her features. “In fact, I want in,” she purred.

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie: Chapter 151 Pinkie Vs. Spinning Things

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie

Chapter 151 Pinkie Vs. Spinning Things

-oooooo-

The group collectively went silent as they tried to process what Pinkie had said to them, their faces a range of disbelief and confusion as some weren’t sure if they heard Pinkie right and others weren’t sure if she understood what she just said.

Elise was the first to speak up. “You want to help us detain you so you can’t go to Dismemberfest?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yepper! That’s exactly what I want.”

Chris and Elise cocked there eyebrows and stared at each other briefly.

“Okay, but why?” Chris asked.

“Do you think I want to sit through several hours of watching people getting cut-up?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I can’t even sit through one of those movies without having a sore throat the next day!”

“Okaaaay…” Elise said as she cocked an eyebrow. “Then why did you agree to go in the first place?”

Pinkie sighed. “Dan was just so, so, soexcited about it! It’s almost all he’s talked about for the last few days! And I thought maybe he’d be sad to go without me! So I made up that whole thing about getting over my fear and said I’d go with him! Oh my gosh! He was soooooo happy! But then it began to dawn on me what I had done, and just how much screaming I would be doing, and now I need a way out!” Pinkie dug her fingertips into her cheeks as she hooked her pinkies around the corners of her mouth, tugging downwards at her face. “You hawve to hwelf me! I don’t know what to do!”

Elise Sr. raised an eyebrow. “Have you just considered telling Dan you’re having second thoughts?”

Don nodded. “Yeah! You can’t seriously need some sort of convoluted plan to get out of watching a few movies!”

Chris, Elise, and Pinkie all turned towards Don and Elise Sr., blank expressions on their faces. Wordlessly they turned back towards each other and continued their conversation.

“So anyways,” Pinkie continued looking at Chris, “if you want to take my place, that’s totally okay with me!”

Chris nodded. “Alright, but we still need a plan so Dan ends up going with me instead of you.”

Pinkie gasped. “Maybe you can disguise yourself as me and we can switch places.”

Elise pulled a face as she eyed her rather tall husband and her not nearly as tall, curvy best friend. “Somehow I think Dan will be able to tell the difference.”

Pinkie smacked a fist against an open palm. “You’re right! This is Dan we’re trying to outsmart. His brilliant mind would see right through even the most cleverest of disguises!”

Elise Sr. rolled her eyes. “Plus there’s some rather obvious physical differences between you two… Just putting that out there.”

Don grumbled irritably to himself as he shot Pinkie an irritated look. “Can we get back to talking about running bakeries and deal with all this ridiculous stuff later?!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Don and folded her arms across her chest. “You want my help, you have to help me!” she said.

Don sighed. “Fine… We’ll make sure you miss this… whatever it is you’re talking about and Chris goes instead.”

Pinkie nodded. “Good.”

“So…” Elise Sr. began. She motioned to the large crate that was still propped upright by a stick. “Do you just want to stand under the crate and we can trap you now?”

“Are you loco in the coco?!” Pinkie cried motioning to the crate. “I’ve already been trapped once and you’ve explained the entire plan to me! You all need to catch me unawares! Not only unawares, but surprise me too!”

“What?!” Don cried. “But… but you want to miss the movie!”

“Well d’uuuuuuuuh!” Pinkie said. “But you know the old saying, “Fool me once… Shame on… er… shame on you…” Pinkie trailed off for a bit and stared up at her eyelids as if the rest of the saying might be printed on them. “… A fooled man can’t be fooled again,” she concluded.

Don and Elise Sr. shot each other confused looks.

“I don’t think that’s how that saying goes, Pinkie,” Chris said.

Pinkie frowned. “I knew I should have stuck with ‘Fool me twice, watch it! I’m huge!’”

“Don’t worry,” Elise said as she placed a hand on Pinkie’s shoulder. “I’m sure the four of us can come up with something.”

“Pinkie?” Dan called out. “Are you over here? Are there a bunch of kidnappers I need to break out my super powers on and punch into space? Because that would be awesome~!”

“Eep!” Pinkie cried as she jumped slightly. “Quick! Under the crate!” She waved her hand towards the crate. “Hide, hide!”

Elise and Chris quickly ran under the crate.

Elise Sr. and Don looked at the crate and frowned heavily.

“Do we have to?” Don asked.

“Do you want my help or not?” Pinkie asked indignantly.

“Fine, fine!” Don said as he and Elise Sr. walked towards the crate. “This better all be worth it…” he grumbled to himself.

Elise quickly grabbed the stick that held the crate up. Soon the crate fell around her and the other three with a loud ‘crash!’, enveloping them in darkness.

“Pinkie?!” Dan said in an alarmed tone as he rounded a corner into the alley. “What was that?!”

“Oh that?” Pinkie replied. “I was just… Angry at the alley so I was throwing things at it.” Pinkie plastered on a nervous smile as beads of sweat began to collect on her face.

“So mad you had to just throw things at an alley?”

“Erm… Yepper?” Pinkie said in a worried tone.

Dan nodded. “Well who doesn’t feel like that from time to time?”

Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief.

“Anyhow, I thought I heard other voices,” Dan said.

“Oh… Those where just—” Pinkie trailed off for a moment before a smile crossed her face “—the voices inside my head!”

Dan furrowed his brow at Pinkie. “Then how come I could hear them?”

Pinkie gave Dan a pensive grin. “Erm… Because it’s me?”

Dan frowned. “I suddenly don’t want to have this conversation…” The crate suddenly caught Dan’s eye. “Wait… Another crate?! Wow… this is more serious than I thought! Someone must really be out to get you!”

“No, Dan!” Pinkie said shaking her head. “There isn’t some sort of conspiracy to detain me so Chris goes to Dismemberfest with you instead of me!”

“… What?”

“What?” Pinkie said in the same tone. “I mean… I bet these traps are just for anyone who happens to really like candy… I mean… why would there be two crates set up just to catch me on the same day at the same time?! That would be crazy! And unlikely! And kinda improbable!” Pinkie’s eyes suddenly went wide as her shoulders slumped and she stared into space. “And I’d probably start getting kinda depressed over the fact that weird sort of stuff seems be happening to me more and more.”

Dan chuckled. “Better warn Chris there’s a serial kidnapper on the loose who uses candy as bait. He’s just hungry and stupid enough to end up under one of these then.”

A muffled protest and a soft chuckle followed by a shushing sound suddenly came out of the crate.

Dan gave the crate a suspicious look. “Did that crate just get upset? And also laugh to itself but also shush itself all at the same time?”

“Hey, you know what we should do?!” Pinkie said as she forced a smile onto her face.

“Uh…What, goofball?”

“Erm… I was really hoping you had an idea, ‘cause I just came up blank,” Pinkie said.

Dan smirked. “Well, I did want to go to the Mac store we passed a few blocks back.”

“Oh! You want your own computer or to upgrade your phone?”

Dan shook his head. “No. Their weird setup looks like someone tried to incorporate a bunch of gizmos with a zen garden and it’s making me angry.” Dan turned with a sour look on his face and motioned for Pinkie to follow. “Come on, let’s go.”

Dan began to walk out of the alley, Pinkie happily skipping behind him.

Several sighs of relief were uttered from the crate.

“I thought they’d never leave…” Chris said.

“Would you get away from me?!” Don snapped. “Your breath smells like bacon-wrapped road kill!”

“Hey!” Chris protested. “It’s been a long time since a squirrel got ran over in front of our house!”

“… What?”

Elise sighed. “Why don’t we get out from under the crate so we all have a bit more space to ourselves,” she said as she placed her hands one of the wooden walls. With a few grunts, Elise attempted to lift the crate, but it refused to budge. “Geez… this thing is heavy!”

“Of course it’s heavy!” Don said. “We wanted to trap Pinkie! Not just inconvenience her with something she could lift off herself.”

“Well, how do we get out?” Chris asked.

“Well we just…uh…”

Elise Sr. sighed. “Great… This is just great.”

“It’s your and dad’s stupid crate!” Elise snapped.

Elise Sr. grit her teeth. “Don’t talk to your mother that way, Junior!”

“You know, since we’re all together,” Chris began, “I think this would be an excellent time to—”

Don continued to feebly attempt to lift the crate. “If you say ‘bury the hatchet’, so help me, I’ll—”

“Actually, I’m still really mad at you,” Chris said. “And I was going to say if we get to the point where we need to eat someone to survive, I vote you first.”

“WHAT?! That’s absurd!” Don cried. “You’ve got the most meat on you!”

“Survival of the fittest, Don,” Chris replied.

“Hey! I’m in way better shape than you!”

“Yeah, but you’re way older too,” Chris shot back.

“Why you little—”

Elise Sr. sighed. “Can we please save all the bickerin’ until after we’re not trapped under a heavy crate?”

Don and Chris both began to protest. “But…!”

“Dad! Stop getting into fights with Chris. Chris, can we please save the ‘who do we eat first’ talk until we’re actually in danger of starving to death?”

“Sorry, beautiful,” Chris said sheepishly. “I’m just a bit peckish.”

“How can you still be hungry?!” Don cried. “You just ate all that candy, you human vacuum cleaner!”

“Dad!” Elise snapped.

“Oh sure,” Don replied in irritation. “He wants to eat me, and you take his side.”

Elise Sr. released a frustrated growl. “Seriously! Can we please keep it together long enough to get out of this crate?!”

“Why don’t we try lifting it together?” Elise suggested.

Don grumbled in irritation. “Or maybe we can tell Chris the crate is actually chocolate and he can eat through the wood.”

“I still vote we eat Don,” Chris said.

“REALLY?!” Elise Sr. snapped. “We can’t keep it together long enough to get a stupid crate off of all of us?”

Elise put her hands on the wall of the crate. “Come on everyone, I’m sure we can do this one thing as a family and go back to hating each other.”

The other occupants of the crate picked a wall and placed their hands on the side.

Elise began to count, “1… 2… 3… Go!”

With some effort and a few strained grunts, soon the crate was lifted off the group and thrown onto its side with a ‘crash’.

“Finally!” Elise Sr. exclaimed.

Elise shot Don and Chris a slightly pleading look. “Now before we all leap at each other’s throats, can we try to come up with an idea for Pinkie?”

“Why don’t we try a trail of pastries leading into a hole?” Don suggested.

Chris glared at Don. “Really? You went there?”

Elise sighed. “Can’t we come up with something that doesn’t involve leaving my best friend trapped and alone for an entire day?”

“Fine!” Don said in a huff.

“You know, Pinkie’s not that hard to distract,” Chris said. “Maybe we can find something that’ll keep her occupied for a long time. Remember that time when she saw the tin-foil in our house?”

-ooooooo-<

Pinkie stared at a rectangle of tinfoil as she held the box it was in in one hand and the end of the foil in the other. “Oooooo! It’s so shiny! And reflective even!” She said as she made faces at her own reflection. Pinkie pulled out more foil from the roll and began to shake it about, making a soft roaring sound. “Hehehe… It even sound like thunder!”

Dan sighed heavily. “Pink girl, can we please just leave Chris and Elise’s stupid house already? We’ll buy you some foil on the way home.”

Pinkie gave Dan an excited look. “Can I—”

“No!” Dan snapped. “You can’t play with foil in the bed.”

Pinkie gave a defeated sigh as she placed the foil on the counter. “Oh… all right…” she said in a disappointed tone.

<-ooooooo->

Elise thought about this briefly. “Hmmm… Good, but it should be something Dan can’t just talk Pinkie out of doing or something they can’t just bring with them.”

Chris stroked his chin thoughtfully.

Elise Sr. cocked her head slightly. “Is there anything Pinkie likes doing that Dan doesn’t that requires another person? Like a sport or somethin’?”

“Hey!” Don protested.

“Oh Don, don’t get all sad and mopey with me just because you use badminton as an excuse to crush people at something you’re good at.”

Don grumbled to himself. “It’s not my fault I’m so great and everyone else is lousy at the sport…”

Elise and Chris’s eyes suddenly went wide as the stared at each other, matching mischievous grins making their way across their faces.

“I’ll make the call…” Elise said.

-ooooo-

Glass exploded outward as a thin rectangular white item, about a foot long, was thrown through a plate glass window of the Mac store. The item clattered to the ground, surrounded by tiny, sharp beads of glass that glinted in the daylight.

The door to the store opened as a pair of boots scraped against the ground, their heels dragged over concrete as their wearer was forcefully pushed from the store. The pair of boots were being worn by a very angry-looking Dan, who was being pushed by a very concerned-looking Pinkie. Pinkie had chiseled on a smile as she nervously glanced behind her at the store full of scared customers and upset employees, many of which held phones up to their ears.

“AND STOP HIDING YOUR EVIL CORPORATE AGENDA BEHIND SOME STUPID ATTEMPT AT A NATURAL-LOOKING AESTHETIC!” Dan shouted as he glanced behind him and shook his fist at the store. “It’s insulting!”

“Well, that was fun,” Pinkie said. “And very illegal…” She added as she glanced behind her. “Let’s do something else! Maybe something that doesn’t involve people calling the police on us.”

“Awww…” Dan whined as he began walking for himself. “But all the best things involve someone calling the police on us!”

 Pinkie nodded. “I know… but we have that movie thing to go to,” Pinkie said as she shuddered. “And even that sounds better than being arrested… or have you go all crazy with your magic, red power dealy and lay waste to L.A.”

“I respectfully disagree,” Dan said holding up an index finger. “But Dismemberfest is only once a year…” Dan stroked his chin. “I guess I can save going on a city-destroying rampage for another day… Like sometime next week.”

“Shouldn’t you hold off on that in case of emergencies? Or like… Something makes you really angry?”

“… Like dog sweaters?” Dan suggested.

“Er… Something possibly even angrier than that…”

Dan dwelled on this for a moment then slammed a fist into his palm. “I got it! Those dog costumes that when you look at them from just the right angle, they make the dog look like a tiny person with an oversized dog head.”

Pinkie pursed her lips slightly. “Well… maybe we can hash out the details later…”

“Uh… Hey… girl with the pink hair.” A hushed feminine voice called out.

Pinkie and Dan paused mid-stride. Pinkie looked to her left, then her right, then pointed to herself with a slightly confused look on her face. “Who, me?”

“No, Pinkie!” Dan said sarcastically. “The other girl with pink hair… Wait, why are you being accosted from an alley?”

A woman with long brown hair tied with a red bow and turquoise eyes poked her head out from an alley and gave Dan and Pinkie a sheepish look. She wore a tan sweater with dark brown sleeves and a collar, a pair of khakis that hugged her hips and went down to her bare ankles, and a pair of brown flats.

“Do you want to play with Beyblades?” she said in a somewhat reluctant-sounding tone.

As if on cue, a boy appeared with a massive smile on his face and an assortment of colorful tops cupped in his hands. He sported a head of fiery-brown hair under a white, red, and yellow beanie with a green propeller on top that spun despite no noticeable breeze. He also wore a green hoodie that prominently featured three golden triangles in the center with an emblem that resembled a bird with its wings spread wide, a pair of brown trousers, and a pair of brown sneakers.

“DO I?!” Pinkie answered excitedly.

“Pinkie!” Dan cried. “We don’t have time for this! Dismemberfest awaits for no man… or woman…”

“But Dan!” Pinkie whined. “Beyblades! They’re the tops that you battle with!”

“No, Pinkie!”

Pinkie’s eyes widened as she cupped her hands under her chin. “Pleeeeeaaase?”

“I said ‘no’!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “Pleeeeeaaase?”

Dan cringed slightly. “No! The puppy dog look isn’t going to do it either!”

Pinkie was quickly joined by the boy who mirrored her pleading look. “Pleeeeeaaase?” they both cried in unison.

“Gha!” Dan ruffled his hair in frustration. “Look, you can’t just accept strange requests to play your stupid top game with strangers hiding in alleys!”

“They’re not strangers!” Pinkie declared pointing at the woman and the boy. “That’s Gibson’s mom and his little brother! They’re only quasi-strangers on account that we’ve never met them before!”

Dan sighed heavily. “Of course… What was I thinking…? Wait, how’d you know who they are?”

“Chris and Elise told me about them! They visited the Bakery when that ketchup-and-mustard-haired girl beat up Amber in front of the bakery. So please Dan! Can I please, please, pleaseplay?!”

Dan grumbled to himself and looked away. “Oh… alright…”

“Yay!” Pinkie and the Gibson’s brother cried simultaneously as they thrust victorious fists into the air.

“I finally get to use my new arena!” Gibson’s brother quickly produced something that resembled a large pet feeding bowl, if such things were black with golden lightning bolt designs.

Gibson’s mom cocked an eyebrow. “So Gibson has never mentioned us?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Naw… He’s usually too busy staring at my chest to talk about his family,” Pinkie said matter-of-factually as she leaned over the black plastic ‘arena’ with the golden lightning bolt design.“Ooooo… The Beyblade Super Vortex Battle Set for only $39.99… Our parent company would be proud…” Pinkie pulled out a large launcher with a pre-loaded Beyblade from her hair.

One of Dan’s eyes twitched. “Remind me to trounce Gibson next time I see him…”

“Don’t worry,” Gibson’s mom growled out in irritation. “I’m way ahead of you…”

“LET IT RIP!” Pinkie and Gibson’s brother cried as they pulled on the ripcords that would get both their tops spinning.

Dan sighed heavily as he looked up at Gibson’s mom. “So… you two just wait in dark alleyways, hoping someone will come by and play a rousing and idiotic round of ‘battle tops?’”

 Gibson’s mom shook her head. “Not exactly… today is a special occasion, apparently…”

“And that is?” Dan asked.

Gibson’s mom sighed and slumped her shoulders. “It’s apparently National Distraction Day…”

“Huh… Fascinating…” Dan said in disinterest. “I’m surprised you just didn’t send Gibson out here for this. If I had kids, I’d certainly get them to do all the things I don’t want to do.”

“Well, Gibson was busy practicing with his band back at the house,” Gibson’s mom explained.

“Hmph, I’m surprised he wasn’t out fawning over that obnoxious girlfriend of his.”

Gibson’s mom’s eyes went wide. “Gibson… Gibson has a girlfriend?!”

“You didn’t know?” Dan replied. “What kind of mother are you?”

“He’s sixteen!” Gibson’s mom shot back. “He doesn’t tell me anything! Still… I’m sort of amazed he didn’t brag to us about this.”

An evil grin suddenly crossed Dan’s face a plot most foul hatched inside his head. “Well, she looks to be about as old as Pinkie,” Dan said. “He’s probably worried you’ll get mad over all the crazy sexy sex they have.”

“WHAT?!” Gibson’s mom roared.

Dan nodded. “Oh yes… Those two just go at it like weasels in heat. You practically need a crowbar to pull them off each other.”

Gibson’s mom grit her teeth as one of her eyes began to twitch. “Button, sweetie? I’m afraid we have to go so mommy can yell at your older brother.”

“Awww…” Button uttered in a disappointed tone as he held a launcher with another Beyblade ready to go. “Can’t we play just a little longer?”

Gibson’s mom shook her head. “No, Button,” she said sternly. “We need to go now. It’s really important that your brother and I have a little talk.”

“Oh… alright…” Button said in a disappointed tone as began to load his Beyblade equipment into a brown backpack with a ‘D-pad’ shaped clasp on the center.

Pinkie furrowed her brow and crossed her arms across her chest. “I never get to play Beyblades with anyone…” she said in a huff as she scowled off into space.

Gibson’s mom gave Pinkie an apologetic look. “Sorry, Miss…?”

“Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

“Er… Miss Pie… Wait… Really? That’s your name?”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yepper!”

“Okay… Well Miss Pie, I really should talk to my other son about this whole girlfriend thing… I’m sure you and Button can arrange a playdate for later.”

“Yay!” Button said as he pumped a fist in the air.

“Really?” Dan said cocking an eyebrow. “You named your kid ‘Button’ and you have trouble with ‘Pinkie Pie’?

Gibson’s mom shrugged. “Well… it’s more of a nickname… ‘Button Mash’.”

Dan sighed. “Why is it I suddenly know of all these people who go by their nicknames!? What happened to first names!? Is there some crazy name conspiracy no one is telling me about?”

“I really don’t have time to talk about this now,” Gibson’s mom said. “It was uh… nice meeting you two.”

“Well, it was weird meeting you two,” Dan replied as Gibson’s mom and Button walked away.

Pinkie placed her Beyblade and its launcher back in her hair and looked down at Dan. “Why’d you make up all that stuff about Gibson having crazy sexy sex with his girlfriend?” she asked. “I don’t think they’ve kissed yet, even!”

Dan smiled at Pinkie as he placed both his hands on her shoulders. “Pinkie, sometimes to get what you want, you have to stretch the truth a little… and sometimes to make sure you get what you want, you have to flat out lie.” Dan quickly took his hands off Pinkie, spun, and pointed down the sidewalk. “Now let’s go get that face paint.”

Pinkie let out a strained “Yay…” as she begrudgingly began to trudge after Dan.

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie: Chapter 152 Gibson Vs. His Mom

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie

Chapter 152 Gibson Vs. His Mom

-oooooo-

Chris sighed heavily as he peered under the blinds of a second story window. He watched as Gibson’s mother walked away with her younger son, soon followed by Dan and Pinkie.

Elise matched Chris’s sigh as she took off a pair of headphones attached to a square device with an antenna. She was sitting at a square black table in the well-furnished apartment. “So close…” she uttered.

Elise Sr. shook her head as she hovered over her daughter. “Guess it’s back to the drawing board.”

Don shot a nervous glance at the door. “Is anyone else worried that we broke into someone’s apartment to monitor this cockamany scheme?”

Elise shook her head. “I just picked the lock and we’re not stealing anythi—Chris! Stay away from the fridge!”

Chris frowned as his hand halted just inches from the apartment’s refrigerator. “But I get hungry when I’m nervous!”

Elise began to pack up her headphones and the device they were attached to. “Well, we’ll stop for food while we figure out our next plan. So far we haven’t left any glaring evidence that we borrowed this space to keep tabs on Pinkie and Dan. I don’t want any surprise visits from the police because they suspect we broke into this apartment and cleaned out the fridge.”

“Great, just great…” Don muttered. “I’m going to have another run in with the police because of a visit to Los Angeles.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Dad, you were up to plenty of illegal activities today before you met up with Chris and me.” She folded her arms across her chest. “And it’s not like your earlier cases of abduction and possibly attempted murder wouldn’t warrant attention from the police.”

Elise Sr. gave her husband a slightly stern look. “Don, don’t be antagonistic. You’re getting something out of all this too.”

Don sighed. “Look, I have an idea that won’t fall apart based on a few sentences from Dan and, more importantly, doesn’t require us to break any laws to execute.”

Elise and Chris exchanged a brief look.

“Really?” Chris said. “You actually have an idea that’s doesn’t involve trapping Pinkie or holding her against her will… er… sorta?”

Don rolled her eyes. “She’s like a big child, and Dan gets annoyed by everything! It’s not like it’s hard to figure out something that she’d like and he’d hate.”

Elise and Chris exchanged another look then smiled.

“Alright Dad,” Elise said. “Let’s hear it.”

-ooooo-

Gibson quickly shifted his fingers on his bright-blue electric guitar and strummed one last chord. To his right, a teenager with blond hair spiked straight up strummed one last chord on his red electric bass. The bass player wore a pair of jeans and a red shirt that depicted something that looked like a cross between a Jolly Roger and Mickey-Mouse logo if Mickey had massive eyes with slits for pupils. The words ‘RADIOHEAD.TV The most gigantic lying mouth of all time’ where printed under the logo.

Behind them, a drummer at a drum set which read “OUT OF SERVICE” on the bass drum hit his drums one last time. His brown hair was spiked, but slicked back. He wore a navy blue shirt that simply read ‘OASIS’ on the front.

As the last notes of the song finished echoing from the speakers in the empty room, Gibson allowed himself a small smile.

“Nice job guys! What’s next?” Gibson said.

“Whoa… that’s it?” The bass player asked. “‘Nice job?’ You’re not going to say how terrible we sound?”

Gibson shrugged. “Well, we’re not perfect, but we’re improving.”

The bass player narrowed his eyes slightly. “I think my D string is out of tune…”

Gibson smirked as he rolled his eyes. “Wave, you say one of your strings is out of tune after every song… Do you want to borrow my tuner? I mean, we can take a break…”

The bass player raised an eyebrow. “Sure, mate…”

“Acoustics still aren’t great down here…” the drummer muttered as he glanced about the basement.

Gibson turned to face the drummer. “Can’t argue with you there, Wave. Hey… Maybe I can ask my parents if they can move their cars for a bit and we can try the garage.”

Wave and Crash traded looks, then turned back to Gibson.

“Alright, mate,” Crash began, “out with it. What happened?”

“Out with what?”

“You’re never this nice to us,” Wave pointed out. “Something must have happened… Did you win the lottery?”

“Dude, I’m too young to play the lottery.”

“Oh right,” Wave said. “Uh…”

Crash snapped his fingers. “Your parents got you a new phone?”

Gibson rolled his eyes. “My parents are always getting the latest phone, or game system, or whatever… They think it’s important to stay ahead of the technology curve, or something…”

Wave looked at Crash with an unsure look on his face. “You don’t think he has a girlfriend?”

Crash chuckled. “Seriously? Gibson with a girlfriend? That’s impossible. Every time he talks to a girl they get this look in their eyes like they’d rather be anywhere else but talking to him.”

“WHAT?!” Gibson protested. “I know most girls are a bit intimidated by my charms, but it’s not that bad!”

“Snrk… Right, ‘intimidated’,” Wave said.

Crash grinned. “That’s certainly a fancy way of saying they want to get away from you as soon as possible.”

“Oh yeah?” Gibson pulled out his smartphone and hit the screen a few times, letting his guitar dangle from its black strap.  He walked up to Crash and showed him the phone. “Then how do you explain this.”

Crash’s jaw dropped as he saw a selfie of Gibson with an arm around the shoulders of a silvery-blue-haired woman in a blue blouse.

Wave walked up and peered at this screen. His eyes widened in disbelief. “Blimey… Ol’ Gibs is actually in physical contact with a real live woman besides his mum… And she doesn’t look like she’s about to be sick!”

Crash mirrored Wave’s expression. “She doesn’t look repulsed and she’s hot… The devil must be making snowmen in Hell.”

“Ha-ha!” Gibson said sarcastically. “The point is I can and have gotten a girlfriend.”

Wave slapped the back of Gibson’s back. “Nice going, Gibs. Now don’t mess it up.”

Gibson gave Wave a wry grin. “Hey! It’s me.”

Wave narrowed his eyes slightly. “That’s why I said ‘don’t mess it up’, mate.”

Crash nodded in agreement.

“Man, you guys suck…” Gibson uttered.

Wave chuckled. “There’s our Gibson back.”

Crash grinned wickedly at Gibson. “Is, uh... Is your girlfriend a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?”

Gibson winced. “Well… that’s sorta complicated…”

Wave’s smile widened. “Can’t get it up?”

“Dude, shut up!” Gibson cried as Crash broke into laughter. “She’s like… in her 20s.”

Wave peered at the picture again. “She does look a bit older than you. So you went cougar hunting, eh?”

Gibson cocked an eyebrow. “Pretty sure she’s too young to be considered a cougar.”

Crash stroked his chin. “So… she’s like a puma?”

Wave tilted his head slightly. “I thought that was a cougar who only wants to cuddle.”

Crash shrugged. “That might fit.”

“She’s not any type of big cat!” Gibson snapped. “Look, you two need to keep quiet about this! If my mom found out I was going out with an older woman—”

“A cougar,” Wave said.

“No mate, she’s a puma, remember?” Crash said.

“Shut! Up!” Gibson said, delivering the word ‘shut’ to Wave and the word ‘up’ to Crash. “Anyhow, my mom might freak if she found out. And believe me, you do not want to see my mom in a bad mood!”

“GIBSON!”

Gibson flinched as he heard his name yelled from upstairs. His mom screaming his name like that meant he was in for a very rough time.

 “GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW!”

Wave smirked. “Sounds like she knows, mate.”

Crash chuckled. “Or he’s about to be bollocksed for some other horrible thing he did.”

Gibson sighed heavily as he began walking to the stairs. “I’m dead…” he uttered as he took off his electric guitar and propped it against the wall.

Wave winked. “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of your girlfriend.”

“Hey!” Crash protested. “Why are you the one who gets to take care of his girlfriend?”

Gibson rolled his eyes as he walked up the stairs. “Trust me, neither of you stand a chance with her.”

Wave cocked an eyebrow. “Oh yeah, mate? And what makes you so special?”

Gibson smiled down at Wave from the top of the stairs. “I’ve seen all her MeTube videos and know just about everything about the girl.”

Crash cocked his head slightly. “She likes you because you’re a kind of a creepy stalker?”

Gibson shrugged. “Call it what you want. I just know it works.” He pushed open the door to the basement and walked out. His mother was waiting for him in the middle of the living room, arms folded across her chest, death glare already prepared.

He shot a pleading look to his father, who was sitting in a comfy-looking blue easy chair holding a tablet in his hand. Gibson’s father was a thin man with a bushy black mustache and spiky hair. He wore black slacks and a bright blue buttoned-up shirt. His only response to his son was to scrunch his lips up slightly.

Gibson sighed internally. He was on his own.

Gibson’s mom wasted no time. “What’s this I hear about you having sex with an adult woman?!”

“… What?!” Gibson exclaimed.

“What?” His dad chimed in disbelief.

“What?” A voice called from up a flight of stairs.

“Button!” Gibson's mother called. “Stop listening to what’s going on down here and go back to your games!”

Button’s heavy sigh drifted down from upstairs. “Alright…” he said begrudgingly.

Gibson continued to look at his mother in surprise. “Mom! As much as I hate to say it out loud, I’m still a virgin!”

“Then what’s this I hear about you having ‘crazy sexy sex’ with a 20 something year old?!”

“I… someone actually used the term ‘crazy sexy sex’? Who the heck was that?”

“Your manager!”

“… Dan?” Gibson asked in surprise. “Dan hates me… I mean… I don’t take it personally, he hates a lot of people, but he’s probably not a dependable source of information.”

“So… What? He just made the whole thing up about you having sex with your girlfriend?”

“Er… He made up the ‘sex’ part at least…”

“… You actually have a girlfriend?” Gibson’s father exclaimed.

Gibson sighed. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad. Yes. I mean… We’ve been out together a few times… I think that counts.”

Gibson’s mother gave him a stern look. “Did he make up that part about her being an adult?”

Gibson rubbed the back of his head. “No… not exactly…”

Gibson’s mother nodded. “I thought as much, otherwise you would have bragged about this to us right away.”

Gibson winced. His mother knew him well.

His mother shook her head. “I don’t like the idea of you being some older woman’s boy-toy!”

Gibson gave his mother a pleading look. “But I like being Trixie’s boy-toy!”

A voice called from upstairs. “… What’s all this talk of boys getting toys? I want one!”

“Button!” Gibson’s mom cried. “I told you to go back to your video games!”

“… Yes, mom…”

Gibson’s father looked at Gibson in disbelief. “Wait… The Trixie?! As in The Great and Powerful Trixie?! You’re actually dating her?”

Gibson grinned at his dad. “Yep!”

Gibson’s mom turned to look at her husband. “You know about this girl?”

Gibson’s father’s face turned slightly red. “Er… She has a MeTube channel where she does magic tricks…”

Gibson’s mom gave her husband a knowing smirk. “Ah… So you watch this 20-something girl because of an interest in magic.”

Gibson’s father grinned back sheepishly. “Just trying to take an interest in my son’s hobbies…”

“Still…” Gibson’s mom turned back to stare at him. “Just because a girl made a few videos doesn’t mean you get to date her. Anyone can start a MeTube channel nowadays.”

“But mom! Trixie’s my dream girl!”

Gibson’s mom rolled her eyes. “I thought your dream girl was on that poster you have tastefully pinned above your bed.”

“That is Trixie!”

Gibson’s mom’s eyes went wide. “That’s Trixie?! You’re dating her?!”

“Uh…” Gibson swallowed. “Yes?”

Gibson’s mom suddenly smiled and she gave her son a thumbs up. “Nice job!”

“… What?” Gibson said.

“What?” Gibson’s father echoed. “You mean you’re letting the whole Gibson dating an adult thing go because it’s Trixie?”

Gibson’s mom turned towards her husband. “I didn’t know Gibson was going out with a girl that was actually really attractive and the ultimate target of his desires! I thought he was being preyed upon by some wacko with a thing for teenagers.”

Gibson sighed heavily. “Does no one have any faith in my ability to get girls?”

Gibson’s mom smiled at him warmly. “Honey, you’re a good looking, incredibly smart, and talented young man, but you just don’t have a clue one on how to interact with women.”

“Thanks, mom…” Gibson grumbled under his breath.

“So… that’s it?” Gibson’s father asked his wife. “You’re just going to let this go now?”

“You sound disappointed.”

“Er… No… I guess I’m just used to you being the disciplinarian in these cases… Just feels like we should say something else to him.”

“No, no!” Gibson said as he raised his palms in front of him. “It’s fine! I’m good.”

“Your father’s right, Gibson,” Gibson’s mom said.

Gibson sighed.

“You better not get that girl pregnant!”

“… That’s it?”

Gibson’s mom shrugged then smiled. “Well, You should also invite over here for dinner some time.”

Gibson gave his mom a suspicious look. “… You intend to put the fear of God into her, don’t you?”

His mom grinned back with a devilish smile. “Oh Gibson, don’t be silly. You’re my son! Of course I’m going to put the fear of God into her.”

-ooooo-

“I still say this is a longshot,” Chris said as he stapled a flier to a telephone pole. “Who’s going to believe a county fair is one day only?”

Don smirked as he finished stapling his own flier. “I’m afraid you just don’t know what it’s like to have a child.”

Elise sighed as she glanced up from looking down the street. “‘Children’, dad! Remember Ben?”

“Who?” Don asked.

Elise Sr. rolled her eyes as she attached her own flier. “The young man that lives with us. He is, in fact, our son.”

“Oh right…” Don replied. “Anyway, excitement will kick in and Pinkie will believe anything this stupid flier says, mark my words.”

Elise tensed as she looked down the street. “Speaking of Pinkie, she and Dan are coming this way! Hide!”

The group quickly bolted for a nearby alley.

Don sighed heavily. “Do you two hide in alleys a lot? We’ve been doing it all day!”

“SHHHHHHH!” the rest of the group replied.

“Just sayin’…” Don uttered.

Dan’s familiar voice drifted up, his cadence indicating he was wrapping up a rant. “… and that’s why we should just put a fence around Florida. Flora, fauna, and even people…especially people… It’s all lousy or out to kill you.”

“What about orange juice?” Pinkie replied.

“Why would anyone drink orange juice when there’s orange soda?” Dan asked. “Science has moved on to better tasting beverages, Pinkie. You should too.”

Pinkie opened her mouth to speak, but her eyes suddenly settled on one of the many neon-day-glow orange fliers that had been posted. Each one advertised the ‘San Diego County Fair!’ an address, and was filled with bold and diagonally placed notices like ‘COTTON CANDY!’, ‘RIDES!’, ‘TODAY ONLY!’

Pinkie began to hop in place, her voice becoming increasingly high pitched as she pointed at one of the fliers. “Dan! Fair! Dan! Today only! Dan! Cotton candy! Dan! Rides!”

“Yes, Pinkie. I can read, thanks,” Dan said in a grumpy tone. “But we don’t have time for the fair! We need to strategize where we rub fake blood all over each other’s bodies for maximum horror effect!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “But… but… ‘Today only’!”

“That’s another thing!” Dan said. “Who ever heard of a county fair that lasted one day!?”

Pinkie gave Dan a serious look and pointed to the flier.

Dan sighed heavily. “Pinkie, San Diego is a two hour drive away! We don’t have time for your silly nonsense running around hyped up on soda and snack foods fried to inflict the maximum amount of damage to your arteries as possible! We have to sort out face paint colors and prep our toy weapons!”

Pinkie’s eyes began to water. “But… but… Cotton Candy! And… and… Snow cones! And Cotton Candy flavored snow cones!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Can’t we just go to Brisby Land sometime this week and call it even?”

Pinkie folded her arms across her chest and scowled at Dan. “You got us both banned from Brisby Land when you savagely assaulted someone dressed as their mascot with a doll that looked like their mascot.”

Dan flung his hands out, palms up. “He got all huggy with you! I couldn’t just stand by and let that happen!”

“It was a girl in the costume, Dan.”

“Right, sorry. She got all huggy with you…” Dan paused and stroked his chin. “No wait… If Bizzy is male and I got mad over the fact that he was hugging you, I don’t think it matters what gender the person inside the costume was. What matters is it was a bee, and bees are terrible.”

“Wait… so you got mad because I was being hugged by a giant cartoon bee?”

“Bees spend most of their time getting flowers to mate, Pinkie! They’re the plant pimps of the insect world. Dumb bee probably thought all that pink were your petals and was trying to gather pollen from you!”

Pinkie’s eyes widened and she slowly tightened the grip on herself as if she was trying to give herself a hug. “Alright… I suddenly feel better about you beating up that giant bee with that small, yet still quite large by bee standards, bee.”  She pursed her lips. “Still, that doesn’t change the fact you got us banned from Brisby land.”

Dan shrugged. “Alright, so we’ll just wear disguises when we go! No big deal!”

“Well now I’m afraid of bees! Especially giant ones who might think I’m a big pink flower!” Pinkie said in a shrill voice. “Can’t we just go to the fair where there won’t be people dressed in bee costumes?”

“But even driving there and back is going to be like half a day!” Dan whined. “Besides, county fairs are just an excuse to collect incredibly unhealthy foods and stupid rides all in one place so idiots will stuff their faces and spend all their money under the guise of it being some sort of” –Dan air quoted— “‘special occasion’.”

“But unhealthy foods and stupid rides are exactly why I want to go!” Pinkie interlaced her fingers together and held her hands under her chin. “Dan, please? I haven’t gone to a fair since I came here from Equestria!”

Dan tightened his lips and his forehead as he scowled at Pinkie. Bringing up the whole ‘forcefully teleported from another dimension’ thing, huh? I should be mad… but it’s not like she uses that to get her way often… or at all, even… He sighed heavily. “Fine… Since it’s one day, I guess we can wing it when it comes to Dismemberfest planning and go to this stupid fair.”

“YAY!” Pinkie said as she thrust both her fists into the air. She quickly wrapped her arms around Dan and kissed him on the cheek. “You’re the bestest, best, most terrifical boyfriend ever!”

“Yeah, yeah…” Dan said with a slight blush as he wrapped an arm around Pinkie’s waist and gave her a squeeze. He shifted just enough to level an index finger at Pinkie. “But I reserve the right to complain the entire car trip there and back.”

Pinkie smiled and rolled her eyes as the two began to walk with their arms around each other. “Right, because that’s so different from how you usually act.”

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie: Chapter 153 Dan Vs. Fair

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie

Chapter 153 Dan Vs. Fair

-oooooo-

“I’m still a bit skeptical…” Chris uttered as he stared out the windshield of his and Elise’s blue sedan, keeping an eye on the red hatchback far down the road past a number of other vehicles.

Elise sat next to Chris in the passenger’s side as she looked through a pair of binoculars. Behind her and Chris sat her parents.

“I’m telling you, it can’t fail!” Don said.

Chris turned to face Don. “Won’t Dan just want to turn around as soon as they get to the fair and he finds out it’s running until July?!”

“Keep your eyes on the road!” Elise Sr. cried out in alarm.

Chris turned and with a startled “Gah!” quickly jerked the car to the left, jerking it back into his lane. A pickup truck speed off in the lane next to him, blaring its horn as it drove off.

Chris sighed and reached into his pocket.

Don leaned forward. “What do you think is going to happen? They get to the fair, find out it’s going on for several more weeks and just turn around and drive another two and a half hours?!”

Chris pulled an item out of his pocket. “Well, this is Dan. He’s determined, angry, and crazy enough to do just that…”

Don shook his head. “Trust me, once they’re there Pinkie will beg Dan that they stay. I know the man is out of his mind, but there’s no way he can shoot down his girlfriend like that.”

“If you say so…” Chris said in an unsure tone. He started fiddling with the item he had taken out of his pocket causing the car began to serve and sway. The occupants of the blue sedan were thrown one way and the next as they let out startled cries.

Elise Sr. leaned up to look up front, staring at Chris. “Are you peeling an orange while driving?!”

“What?!” Chris cried as he dug at an orange’s skin with his fingernails while he placed a foot against the steering wheel. “We’re running low on time, therefore I’m nervous, and ipso facto I’m hungry.”

Elise put down her binoculars and gave Chris a nervous smile. “Chris, why don’t you pull over and let me drive?”

-ooooo-

Dan took a break from almost perpetually scowling out the windshield to glance at the woman in the seat next to him who was being unusually quiet.

“Goofball, are you writing in the car?!”

“Uh-huh,” Pinkie answered without lifting her pink glitter pen or evening looking up from the pink spiral notebook she was writing in.

“Pinkie, you have the penmanship of an illiterate chimp suffering a seizure on the best of days! What makes you think anyone, including yourself, will be able to make use of whatever you’re scrawling there?!”

Pinkie smirked. “Oh… that doesn’t really matter…”

Dan sighed. “Well, whatever I guess… As long as it keeps you from hounding me with your endless chanting of ‘Are we there yet?’”

Pinkie threw Dan a wry grin. “Are we there yet?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes Pinkie, me saying that was, in fact, an elaborate ruse so I could point out that we are at the fair and make you feel like an idiot for bugging me all that time.”

Pinkie gave Dan a knowing smile. “Nice one. Next you’ll tell me the word ‘gullible’ is written on the car’s ceiling.”

“That’s because the word ‘gullible’ iswritten on the car’s ceiling, genius.”

Pinkie giggled. “Dan, I know I’m not the sharpest hammer in the toolbox, but give me some credit! What kind of dummy do you think I am?”

“The kind of dummy who writes ‘gullible’ on the car ceiling to pull some sort of crazy meta prank on me one day, then forgets about it a little later.”

Pinkie’s smile dropped and she stared at Dan with a blank expression for a moment before looking up. ‘Gullible’ had indeed been scrawled on the ceiling above her in pink marker, the ‘i’ dotted with a heart. “Oh… right…” Pinkie gasped. “Then that means…” She looked out the window. Down the street she could see a massive Ferris wheel over the tops of buildings as well as a plethora of other rides.

 “Dan! We are there! I mean… the fair… We’re there at the fair, Dan!”

“Just say we’re ‘here’, Goofball.”

“Dan! We’re here! You weren’t being sarcastic at all! You were just passive-aggressive truth saying!”

“… Does the sight of a fair scramble the speech center of your brain?”

Pinkie gasped as she continued to stare at rides as they got closer. “Dan! It’s even fairier than I could have possibly imagined.”

“… What does that even mean?”

“Let’s ride some rides!”

“Pinkie.”

“No! Let’s get some food!”

“Pinkie!”

“No! Let’s go see what a first place pig looks like!”

“Pinkie!”

“No! Let’s see if they have a pig that wins no awards, but has a rat friend who can read English and a spider friend that can write using her web!”

“PIIIIIINKIEEEEEEE PIEEEEE!”

“Yes, Dan?”

Dan stopped the car and pointed to a large poster advertising the fair which was hanging off a fence. “It says here the fair is running until July! I knew that flier had to be bogus!”

“Okay, but…”

“I can’t believe we drove all the way out here just based on that stupid flier.”

 “Dan?”

Dan flung a hand up in the air. “Who would even be so dumb as to print something like that!?”

“Dan!”

“But there we go, wasting almost half a day driving here under the assumption we only have one chance to go to the stupid fair full of ridiculous rides and potentially deadly food items!”

“Dan!”

Dan sighed. “We should save the fair for another day.”

“Daaaaaan Maaaaaandellllllllllll!”

“Uh, yes Pinkie?”

Pinkie’s pupils suddenly grew to the size of saucers, tears streaming from her eyes and down her cheeks as she bit her lower lip. All of this in addition to her whimpering as she turned all her features up towards their maximum heart-melting ability and directed them at Dan.

Dan grit his teeth as he felt his resolve quickly evaporate as he stared at Pinkie. He hung his head. “… I’ll go park…” he uttered.

“YAY!” Pinkie exclaimed.

-ooooo-

“Oh! Dan! Bumper cars! Cars you’re encouraged to crash! Dan! We have to ride them.”

Dan rolled his eyes as he was practically dragged behind Pinkie as she held on to his hand tightly. “Shouldn’t you finish that massive pile of sugar string first?” He said, motioning to the item held in Pinkie’s other hand.

Pinkie stared at a giant fluffy pink mass of cotton candy as large as her own giant fluffy pink mass of hair. She slurped up her cotton candy as if she was eating a long spaghetti noodle soon all that was left was a white cardboard cone.

Dan wrinkled his brow as Pinkie turned to grin at him, cotton candy stuck to her face and teeth. He took a quick glance around the fair, it’s rides, booths selling food of almost no nutritional value, and people running around with children who seemed to drag their parents along much like Pinkie was doing to him. His eyes finally settled on a nearby bench.

“Pinkie, I think I need a break.”

“Oh… Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully. She bounded over to the bench, dragging Dan behind her.

Dan let out a massive sigh as collapsed onto the bench. Pinkie sat next to him.

“Thanks goofball, a little fair goes a long... are you fidgeting already?”

“Na… no….?” Pinkie said as she tapped her feet, shook in place, and forced a grin onto her face.

Dan sighed. “Just go. I’ll catch up with—”

“YAY!” Pinkie cried.

Dan sighed “—catch up with you…”

“Oh, hey fried cake…” Dan heard a familiar voice call out.

Dan cocked an eyebrow as he looked up.

“I meant ‘Dan’,” Chris said as he shoved a mass of fried food into his mouth.  “‘Dwan…’”

“Chris?” Dan exclaimed. “What are you doing at the fair?”

“Oh you know me… I can’t resist all the rides… and food…” Chris’s eyes wandered over to a booth selling ‘Funnel Cake’. “Mostly the food.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I’m surprised you’re not living here until they have to pack up… Heck, I’m surprised you haven’t tried to join the fair as a carnie. With your goofy face and crooked teeth, you’d fit right in.”

Chris glanced downwards as he felt the gap in his teeth with his tongue. “Er… So… what brings you to the fair?”

Dan rolled his eyes and motioned towards the bumper cars where Pinkie giddily bounced from foot to foot and handed a bunch of tickets to the ride operator. “What do you think? Much like you, Pinkie can’t resist all this loud, idiotic nonsense.”

“Hmmm…?” Chris said as he stared at the ‘funnel cake’ stand.

“Hey, idiot! Are you even listening?”

Chris tore his eyes from the food stand. “Yeah, Dan! The fair is pretty great.”

Dan let out an irritated grumble. “Well… I’m glad Pinkie’s having fun, but we had plans for today, you know! Plans for tomorrow, too… With everything she’s eating and with the crazy amount of energy she’s using even by Pinkie standards she’ll probably be too sore and exhausted to go anywhere tomorrow.”

“Oh?” Chris said. “Cakes like—I mean, plans like what?”

Dan shrugged. “Just Dismemberfest.”

Chris’s eyes widened as he forced a surprised look onto his face. “Oh right, is Dismemberfunnel cake fest tomorrow? I had no idea…”

Dan frowned as he stared at Pinkie. “This would have been our first Dismemberfest together…” A few wrinkles in Dan’s brow appeared as he considered something. “Though, the first time I went without you…” Dan turned to Chris. “Hey Chris, since Pinkie is probably going to be completely useless to me tomorrow, do you want—”

“Hold that thought, Dan!” Chris exclaimed as he quickly stood up and ran to the funnel cake stand.

Dan uttered a gravely, irritated sound as he stared upwards. Great… Chris is just as caught up in this stupid fair stuff as Pinkie… Now what am I going to do?

“This seat taken?”

Dan looked back down as Elise stood in front of him, a sympathetic smile on her face.

“Oh. Hey, Elise.”

“That’s it? Just ‘Hey, Elise?’ No insults? No exclamation that Chris and I should get a divorce?”

Dan shook his head. “Not in the mood. Remind me I owe you a few snide comments.”

Elise chuckled as she sat down next to Dan. “Sure, Dan.”

Dan motioned out towards Chris. “Shouldn’t you be out there being dragged to food stalls and games designed to steal your money by Chris?”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “I could ask you a similar question.”

“Not sure if you noticed, but fairs aren’t really my thing.”

Elise nodded. “Mine either…”

“Chris! Chris!”

Elise and Dan watched as Pinkie bounded up to Chris and began dragging him towards the large metal enclosure of bumper cars. Chris protested as he waved about a paper plate piled high with funnel cake powdered with confectioners’ sugar. Pinkie grinned as she opened her mouth and began devouring the funnel cake that was closest to her. Not to be outdone, Chris started taking massive bites from the other end.

Dan cringed. “It’s like watching two slobbery dogs devour a sausage together.”

Elise shuddered as Pinkie and Chris quickly made short work of the oily cooked dough and powdered sugar before running off to the bumper cars together. “Yeah, it wouldn’t have hurt to have gone through life without seeing that…”

Dan sighed. “So instead of getting ready for Dismemberfest, looks like I get to spend the rest of today watching my girlfriend make a number of poor decisions that’ll leave her body a gelatinous, shattered wreck tomorrow.”

“Yeah… Chris pretty much ends up the same after he goes to the fair.”

Dan nodded. “Don’t I know it.” He chuckled. “One time I thought I could make some money by advertising Chris as the human garbage disposal at a fair.”

“Really? How’d that go?”

Dan grinned. “I didn’t have any trouble paying rent that month.”

Elise chuckled as she shook her head. “You two have such a bizarre friendship… I’m actually kind of sorry that he got caught up in the fair.”

“Oh?”

Elise nodded. “Yeah… He… uh… Well… Let’s just say we ended up doing this instead of him going to Dismemberfest to maybe hang out with you.”

“… Chris wanted to go to Dismemberfest?!” Dan exclaimed in disbelief. “But he hates those movies!”

Elise shrugged. “Well, I think he just wanted to spend some time with you. He’s still… adjusting to you spending all your time with Pinkie.”

“Huh…” Dan uttered. “I mean… I thought Chris and I sort of dealt with his stupid feelings there already… And it’s not like we don’t see each other at work!”

Elise gave Dan a sideways smirk. “I don’t think ‘seeing each other at work’ is quite the same as going out to do things of dubious legality… or you know… straight up illegal things… Not to mention all the movies and other things Chris misses out on.”

Dan shook his head. “He’s being a baby! So what if I’m spending lots of my free time with Pinkie! He just needs to grow up and accept that he can’t always get his way when it comes to spending time with me!”

Elise let out a short, derisive “Ha!” She shook her head. “Sure, Dan. Just like you did when he first started dating me.”

“Yeah but… uh…. That was different because… you see… Chris and I… I mean Chris and you…” Dan let out a defeated sigh and slumped forward.

For a while, neither Dan nor Elise said anything. They both sat on the wooden bench and stared out at the bumper cars.

Dan broke the silence. “… Let’s set fire to the fair.”

“Dan,” Elise said in a chastising tone, “you can’t just solve all your problems with arson!”

“History has proven otherwise.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “We can’t just set fire to the fair to get our way! IT wouldn’t be…” Elise frowned and trailed off.

“Fair?” Dan suggested with a smirk.

“Right! I was going to say ‘right’.” Elise asserted.

Dan shook his head. “Believe it or not, I have Pinkie and Chris’s best interest at heart.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Oh, this ought to be good…”

“If we leave those two alone, they’re going to eat sugary treats and deep fried sugary treats until they both have diabetes! And while a bigger Pinkie means more to love, her having a limb amputated certainly means there’d be less to love!”

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “As much as I’d like to use that as an excuse to drag them away, I think you’re overreacting a bit.”

“What?! Me overreact?!” Dan cried as he motioned to himself.

Elise narrowed her eyes.

Dan sighed. “Alright, point taken. Still, this isn’t healthy for them.”

“Their diets already aren’t healthy!” Elise said. “As bad as this fair will be for their bodies, it’s still sort of a drop in the bucket considering how they always eat.”

Dan put on a sullen look as he propped his arms on his legs and rested his chin on his hands. “Fine, then you come up with a plan or reason to get them out of the fair!”

Elise put on a ponderous expression. “… Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“WHAT?!” Dan cried. “You just want to roll over and claim defeat?”

Elise motioned out to Pinkie and Chris as they happily crashed bumper cars with the other fair goers. “Look how happy they both are! Is it really our place to just take them away from this?”

“Yes!” Dan cried. “We’re their significant others! We know what’s best for them… Well, at least I know what’s best for them.”

Elise folded her arms across her chest. “Come on, Dan. I know thinking about anyone other than yourself isn’t easy for you, but I also know you are capable of putting Pinkie’s wants and needs in front of your own.”

Dan put on a sullen look as he stared out at the bumper cars. Pinkie giggled and laughed as she rammed her car into others and in turn was rammed into. He sighed. “Well yeah… but… but I don’t want to this time.”

Elise gave Dan a sympathetic look and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Take it from someone who knows, there’s going to be times when your loved one is going to want to do other things than the thing you really want to do…”

Dan sighed. “Well I guess I—Ow! OW!Elise, you’re squeezing my shoulder too hard!” Dan said in a strained tone.

“I know,” Elise said. “I just suddenly remembered the reason why Chris is usually doing things other than the thing I really want to do.”

“Okay, okay! I’m…cough… I’m…hrk… I’m sorry…”

Elise released her grip on Dan. “… Was the trouble speaking because of the pain, or because it was an apology?”

Dan lowered an eyelid as he pulled up a corner of his lips into a sneer. “Column A, column B.”

Elise nodded. “I thought as much…”

Dan continued to rub his shoulder as he and Elise turned back towards the bumper cars. They watched in silence as the ride ended and Pinkie and Chris quickly got out of their cars only to immediately run towards the ride’s entrance and hand over more tickets.

Elise broke the silence this time. “You know you don’t have to go to Dismemberfest with Pinkie… or Chris…”

Dan folded his arms across his chest and looked away. “Those movies aren’t any fun to watch by myself.”

Elise smirked. “I could always go with you.”

Dan turned and looked at Elise in surprise. “Wait, really? But you hate me… almost as much as I hate you!”

Elise nodded. “True, but I love horror movies!” Elise grinned. “Even the really cheap bad ones!”

Dan rubbed his chin and thought about this. “Well… It would be nice to go with someone who actually watches what’s going on instead of covering their face and screaming the entire movie…”

Elise chuckled. “I hear that…” She looked towards the bumper cars, watching Chris laugh gleefully as his vehicle was jostled. “Come on… I’ll even go with you to sort out face paints and fake blood.”

Dan frowned. “But is it really okay I go off and do something without Pinkie?”

“Dan, you know you don’t have to spend every waking moment with the girl.”

“… I don’t?”

Elise chuckled to herself and shook her head as she stood up. “You know what? I think this might be good for the two of you. Besides, knowing you two if you never take a break from one another you’ll both end up in the hospital.”

Dan stood up and grinned at Elise. “Well, you got me there…” Dan motioned towards the bumper cars. “Come on… let’s go tell those two what we’re doing and revel in the disappointed looks on their faces?”

Elise cocked an eyebrow as she and Dan began walking towards the bumper cars. “Uh… sure, Dan…”

“Wait, you two are leaving?!” a masculine voice called out.

Dan and Elise turned as Don and Elise Sr. quickly marched up to them.

“Wow Elise… you’re abandoning a day of the fair with your husband and parents to prepare for Dismemberfest? I’d be touched if I didn’t remember you hate your parents at the moment.”

Elise laughed nervously. “Heh… yeah… That’s what happened…”

Don leveled an irritated look at Elise. “I can’t believe you’d just up and abandon the plan like that!”

“Don!” Elise Sr. cried in chastising tone.

“Plan?!” Dan exclaimed turning to Elise. “What the heck is he talking about?”

Elise swallowed.

Dan narrowed his eyes as he remembered the crates from earlier, the surprise Beyblade game in the alley, and the fliers. “Elise, I am going to destroy so many of your possessions,” he growled out.

“Wait, Dan! I can explain!” Elise cried.

“What’s to explain? You obviously set this all up so you could go to Dismemberfest with me! I’d be touched if I wasn’t so weirded out right now.”

“I said she was abandoning the plan,” Don said. “Only a complete moron would want to go to watch a movie with you.”

Dan paused and thought about this a bit more. “… So this was all for Chris?!” he exclaimed. “Okay, now I’m just touched.”

Elise nodded. “He wanted to go with you, but didn’t think just asking you would work.”

Dan nodded. “And he was right! I would have laughed at him! An elaborate and convoluted plan like this was exactly the sort of thing that should have worked.” Dan glanced at the bumper cars as the sounds of happy laughter continued to pour from the ride. “Too bad he forgot he can’t resist fairs…”

“That’s okay,” Don said. “I have a plan to—”

Dan held up a hand. “Just forget it. I’m not getting sucked up into any more distractions. I’ve—” Dan looked up at Elise. –“We’ve got a movie festival to prepare for. Come on, Elise.” Dan began walking back towards the bumper cars.

“But we’ve worked so hard!” Don whined. He turned towards his daughter. “You can’t be serious about going to the movies with that… that jerk!”

“Sorry, dad,” Elise said as she gave her father an apologetic smile. She reached into her pocket and handed her father the keys to the blue sedan. “For what it was worth, it was kind of fun hanging out with you and mom like this. Sort of like an actual family.”

Elise Sr. smiled. “A family that’s not afraid to let a few things like laws and prison terms stand in the way of what they want.”

Elise grinned at her mother. “Yeah… We should do it again sometime.”

“But—” Don began.

“Oh, dear,” Elise Sr. said as she placed a hand on Don’s shoulder. “Just let it go. We can get information out of Pinkie some other time. It’s not like we desperately need the extra money or anything.”

Elise nodded. “No kidding, with what Pinkie gave to mom, you two should—”

Elise Sr. fixed her daughter with a scowl.

“Er… Have plenty to enjoy the fair together!” Elise finished.

Don put on a sullen look. “Oh… alright… Wait… Pinkie gave what to your mother?”

“Don, let’s just enjoy ourselves, alright?”

“Fine…” Don grumbled.

Elise nodded. “Well, I better catch up to Dan.”

The bumper cars once again came to a complete halt as Pinkie gripped her steering wheel tightly. Her knuckles had turned white as a massive grin seemed almost permanently affixed to her face.

“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” Pinkie exclaimed as she quickly bolted out of her bumper car. “This is so much fun! Let’s do it again!”

Chris chuckled as he stood up and began walking towards the ride’s entrance with Pinkie. “You know they have bumper boats here too.”

Pinkie inhaled an incredible volume of air as her already wide eyes widened. “So like… cars… but… on the water?! That’s just… I can’t….” Pinkie began to breathe in and out rapidly, her breathing increasing in both speed and volume until her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed to the sheet metal floor with a resounding ‘clang!’

“… Pinkie?” Chris asked in a concerned tone.

Pinkie suddenly shot straight up. “I’m up!”

“Yo, Goofball! Monkey face!”

Pinkie and Chris turned to see Dan leaning on the bars which surrounded the ride.

Pinkie quickly bounded up to him. “Dan! Dan! Dan!Dan! DAAAAAAN! Ohmygosh! Thank you so, somuch for taking me here! This is so much fun! We should go find the bumper boats!”

Dan stroked his chin. “Well that does actually sound pretty fun…”

“Ahem!”

Dan turned as Elise cleared her throat and walked up beside him.

“Er… but there’s been a change of plans…”

Pinkie’s eyes widened and she puffed out her lower lip. “Dan! We can’t leave the fair now! There’s still so much to do!”

Dan shook his head. “Not us… Just me… and Elise.”

“What?” Pinkie said.

“What?” Chris echoed.

Elise nodded. “You two are having so much fun here, that Dan and I didn’t think it was right to take you away from all this.”

Dan smiled. “So you two enjoy yourselves. Elise and I will get ready for Dismemberfest and you two can spend tomorrow sleeping through the food comas you’re sure to be in.”

Chris’s eyes widened in surprise. “You two are actually going to go out and spend time together?! Alone?!”

Dan shrugged. “Well, us plus a bunch of other horror movie enthusiasts.” Dan motioned for Pinkie to come closer.

Still half in shock, Pinkie slowly walked over to the edge of the ride.

Dan leaned over that bars to embrace Pinkie, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “See you when you get home, alright Goofball?”

“Uh… sure…” Pinkie said in an unsure tone.

Elise looked at Dan and Pinkie then smiled at Chris as she opened her arms wide.

Chris walked up and shared an embrace with Elise. “Are you sure about this?”

Elise nodded in Chris’s arms. “It seemed like the sensible thing to do.”

“… I can’t believe you got Dan to do something sensible.”

“Well… At least this way we all get to do something we want.”

Elise and Dan broke their embraces.

“See you later, Chris!” Elise said happily. She turned towards Pinkie. “See you soon, Pinkie!”

A confused expression on her face, Pinkie waved at Elise. “Right… bye-bye…”

“Hey Chris,” Dan said.

“Uh… Yeah Dan?”

“We should catch a sci-fi movie sometime, just you and me.”

Chris smiled. “Sure Dan, I’d like that.”

Smile on his face, Dan saluted Chris. He and Elise turned and began to walk away from the ride.

“Huh…” Chris uttered.

Pinkie quickly jumped the bars.

“Pinkie? What are you doing?”

Pinkie turned towards Chris. “Chris! Elise and Dan are going on a date together! We can’t just stand by and let that happen!”

Chris walked up to the bars, put one leg on the other side, and then exclaimed a startled “Ah!” as he fell over the side.

Pinkie quickly ran up to Chris and helped him up.

“Thanks…” Chris said as he brushed himself off. “But, I think that’s okay… I mean… we’re sort of having our own date as it is….”

“But… but… Our significant otherses are going off to have fun without us!” Pinkie cried as she reached for Chris’s wrist and began to drag him behind her.

Chris sighed as he pulled his hand back. Pinkie turned and looked at him with big, wet, concerned eyes as Chris began slowly walking away from the bumper cars. Pinkie matched his pace.

“Maybe that’s alright,” Chris said. “I mean… both of them areway more into horror flicks than either of us. While we’ll have a lot more fun at the fair.”

Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver. “But… but…”

Chris looked down at Pinkie and smiled. “Look, I think I’m beginning to learn how healthy relationships work. I don’t have to spend all my time with Dan and neither do you! And I don’t have to spend all my time with Elise either! There are just things I don’t have in common with them, even though they’re the closest people to me. I think it’s important we both accept that and learn when it’s maybe better to give Dan and Elise space from time to time.”

Pinkie sighed heavily and looked at the ground for a moment before looking back up at Chris. "I guess you’re right… I mean, I don’t think the fair will be as much fun without Dan… but this way we both sort of get what we want.” Pinkie smiled. “I guess there really is more to being in love with someone than wanting to spend every single second with them!”

Chris nodded. “Yep!” He swung a fist in front of his chest. “Now let’s go out there and enjoy the fair for all it’s worth! We can even celebrate our new found growth as adults in love!”

“YAY!” Pinkie cried.

‘CRASHSPLOOOOOOODE!’

Chris and Pinkie jumped and turned as flaming bumper cars flew towards them, a couple only missing them by feet as they crashed into the ground. They stared at the ride they had just exited as a large winged green tyrannosaurus roared from the middle of the wreckage and stomped off into the fair. The massive dinosaur carried an incredibly ecstatic-looking Jean, a very annoyed-looking Sarge, and a rather panicked-looking Crunchy on its back.

“Yes! Wings!” Jean shouted triumphantly. “I was right this time!”

“Bros?” Crunchy said. “I like you guys, but I have some serious regrets about riding a dinosaur now.”

Tyra quickly made haste to one of the food stalls as the former occupant ran screaming away with much the other fair goers. She wasted no time in tearing the top open with her teeth then staring hungrily at the contents inside.

“Deep-fried Twinkies?!” Sarge cried in despair. “I’m trying to get Tyra on a strict, healthy diet and she’s already ruining it!”

Crunchy slid down Tyra’s tail, landing on his sandal clad feet before running up to the food stand. “I suddenly have far fewer regrets.”

Pinkie and Chris simply stood watching this unfold in front of them for a bit as the bumper cars around them continued to burn.

“Or, you know,” Chris began, “life’s kind of short and there’s a lot to be said about cherishing the time you have with your family and friends before it runs out or cut short… Like in a tragic, flying, nuclear fire-breathing tyrannosaurus accident at the fair.”

Pinkie nodded. “You’re right, Chris! That’s absolutely a thing that’s relevant to everyday living… but especially right now.”

-ooo-

“Dan! Elise!”

Dan stopped and turned as he heard Pinkie call out, his car keys inches away from the lock. Elise looked up as she stood next to the passenger side door of the Dan’s red hatchback.

“Pinkie? Chris?” Dan said. “I thought for sure you two would be on the bumper boats while competing for who could stuff the most deep-fried snicker bars in their mouth at once.”

Pinkie and Chris ran up to the car.

Pinkie smiled. “We decided we rather spend time with the people we love the most!”

A fiery explosion rocked the fair.

Chris smiled sheepishly. “… Because the fair’s on fire.”

Pinkie nodded. “Because the fair’s on fire,” she echoed.

Elise folded her arms across her chest and stared at Dan.

“Not my fault!” Dan said as he held up his hands palms forward.

A deep roar pierced the scream filled air.

Pinkie giggled. “Yeah… Tyra can fly now…”

“Just great,” Dan said sarcastically. “Let’s get out of here before we have to testify as witnesses.”

“Just one second!”

“Dad? Mom?” Elise asked as her parents walked up. “I thought you two were enjoying the fair… that’s on fire now, so never mind…”

Don stared at Pinkie with an irate look on his face. “Look, I’ve been dragged all over Southern California doing all kinds of crazy stuff! I think I deserve something for my trouble.”

Elise Sr. gave her daughter an apologetic look.

Dan narrowed his eyes at Don. “I don’t think you realize how happy you should be I haven’t punched you into space after all this crazy stuff.”

“Dan, it’s okay,” Pinkie said as she reached into her hair and pulled out her pink spiral-bound notebook. She handed it to Don. “Here, you deserve this. I wrote down all my recipes for everything!”

“Alright!” Don said happily. He opened the notebook. “Now we’re talk…” Don trailed off and frowned as he stared at the page in front of him. He flipped through a few of the pages. “You call this writing?! I know chickens who write more legibly than this!”

Pinkie giggled. “Sorry, I don’t have very good handwriting.”

Don narrowed his eyes at Pinkie. “You do realize I hate you, right?”

Pinkie smiled as she narrowed her own eyes. “Ooooo, I’m so scared.”

 “Come on, Pinkie,” Dan said as he opened his door and sat in the car. “Let’s get out of here before the parking lot catches nuclear fire.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said happily. Pinkie quickly hopped into the passenger side of the hatchback as Chris and Elsie piled into the back seat.

Don shook his head. “What a bunch of wackos…”

Elise Sr. put a hand on her husband’s back. “Forget about it, Don. Let’s just make the most of being in San Diego.”

Don gave a defeated sigh. “Oh… alright…”

Elise Sr. and Don walked away as the red hatchback pulled out of its parking spot and drove off away from the brilliant glow of the nuclear fire that enveloped the fair.

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie: Epilogue/Bonus chapter: Silly Pinkie, Trix Are for Kids

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 16 Chris Vs. Pinkie

Epilogue/Bonus chapter: Silly Pinkie, Trix Are for Kids.

-oooooo-

“AAAAAAAHHHHH!”

Dan sighed heavily as he slouched in his chair, smearing some of his blue face paint as he propped his cheek against his palm in the dim theater. One side of his face had been painted blue, while the other side painted red and both sides had several smears from his palms.

“AAAAIEEEEEEEE!”

To his right, Elise sighed then mimicked Dan’s last action almost perfectly. She slouched and rested her cheek on her palm, smearing white face paint with black dots designed to make her face resemble a hockey goalie’s mask.

A on screen, a young, blond-haired, scantily clad woman shrieked. This was quickly echoed by Chris and Pinkie who sat next to Elise and Dan respectively, once again forcing the two into a sandwich with terrified screaming for bread and painful ear ringing in the center.

“… This was a bad idea.” Dan said.

Elise nodded. “Horrible idea! Just the worse!”

“Oh please…” A feminine voice called out from above the pair in the theater. “You two don’t even know what suffering is!”

Dan and Elise glanced behind them, catching a scowl from a very grumpy looking Sunset Shimmer. To her left her friend Twilight and Flash seemed to have forgotten the movie completely, instead opting to engage in a vigorous bout of lip wrestling. To her right, her friend Trixie and Gibson where similarly too busy with each other’s mouths to pay much attention to the rising body count of promiscuous teen on screen.

Sunset sighed as she looked between the two couples she was wedged between. The sounds of slobbery lip smacking continued on either side of her, occasionally overpowered by the sounds of terrified screaming from the lower row.

“I hate my friends,” Sunset announced to no one in particular as she placed her elbows on her thighs and leaned forward to cup her cheeks with her hands.

End Part 16

-~Bonus Chapter: Silly Pinkie, Trix Are for Kids!-

-~Bonus Chapter: Silly Pinkie, Trix Are for Kids!-

Gibson smiled wide as he opened the doors to the bakery. “Trixie! You came!” he said excitedly to the silvery-blue-haired woman in the blue blouse and jeans in front of him.

Behind Gibson, his fellow bakery employees and other friends of Dan and Pinkie happily conversed with each other in the music filled building as Pinkie darted from person to person. Pinkie kept an almost vice-like grip on Dan’s wrist as she dragged and yanked him all across the bakery. Dan grumbled and protested at this treatment, but made little effort in attempting to free himself.

“Of course!” Trixie said as she stepped inside and motioned to herself. “The Grrrrreat and Powerful Trixie never passes up a chance to share her glory and beautify with others.”

Gibson smiled. “And might I say that is quite a lot of beauty and glory. I don't think my mortal eyes are worthy.”

Trixie chuckled. “Oh, you... You always know what to say...”

Gibson's smile fell as he stared at Trixie.

“Er... Did Trixie say something wrong?”

Gibson shook his head. “No... It's just... you're the first person to say that to me... ever...”

Pinkie suddenly bounded up to Trixie with a plastic red cup in one hand, a grumpy looking Dan held by the wrist in the other. “Hello! I noticed a distinct lack of punch on your personage! As President Party Punch Maker and Provider, it is my responsibility to properly present you with a pint of delicious pink potion!” Pinkie said, giggling to herself.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Seriously… You where Corporal Cup Counselor and Coordinator not thirty seconds ago…”

Gibson smiled at the pair as they arrived. “Hey, Pinkie. Hey, Dan.” He motioned to Trixie. “This is Trixie. We met when that crazy balloon cult tried to sacrifice Amber and me to their balloon god.”

Trixie narrowed her eyes at Pinkie.

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Gibson. “Wait… So that would mean she’s one of our enemies right?”

Gibson shrugged. “Well… It’s not like she ended up helping the balloonist…”

“I knew you couldn’t be trusted!” Dan cried as he leveled an accusatory index finger at Gibson. “You’re sleeping with the enemy.”

Gibson sighed heavily. “Not yet…”

Trixie pointed her own accusatory index finger. Hers directed squarely at Pinkie. “You! You where the one who made it so Trixie couldn't get her favorite coffee when you were given the rest of the blueberry syrup!”

Dan’s eyes widened in surprise. “That’s your reason for seeking revenge on us!?” Dan shook his head. “Talk about overreacting.”

Gibson frowned. “Wow, shots fired, dude…”

“Oh Dan,” Pinkie said cheerfully. “What’s important is we let the soothing sensation of sugary punch settle old scores.” Pinkie let go of Dan and reached out for Trixie’s pointing hand. She gently opened Trixie’s finger and placed the cup of punch in Trixie’s hand. “Here! I hope this punch can help replace the tragic loss of not drinking your favorite coffee on that day that happened, like, several weeks ago.”

Trixie takes a sip of the drink. “Well... it is refreshing... but...”

Pinkie grinned wide as she quickly stepped up besides Trixie, wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to her. “See! I knew you'd like it! Oh we're going to be the best of friends! I can just feel it.” Pinkie squeezed harder. “Can you feel it?”

Trixie gave Pinkie an unsure, pained look. “Er... Well...”

Pinkie continued like a runaway train which had had its brakes melted. "And not like that other girl I know who has your same name, same hair style, but lives in another dimension! No! You and I are going to have lots of fun together and you won't remove my mouth and put it in a magic garbage can." Pinkie gasped. "Hey! I just realized you might be like... the other dimensional world equivalent of her! Crazy, huh?"

“Uh...What are you…?”

Pinkie’s pupils widened as she stared off into space. “And now that I think about it, there's other people I know who are probably the other world equivalent of other, other ponies I know! Oh my gosh! There might even be another me here!” Pinkie let go of Trixie in favor of placing her hands on either side of her face as she tried to process this new startling revelation. “OhMyGosh! This is so crazy!”

“Speaking of crazy," Dan chimed in. "Goofball, you're rambling...”

“Iyam?” Pinkie asked. Her eyes suddenly drifted off towards the entrance of the bakery. “Oh! Elise and Chris are here! I need to say 'hi' then punch them with punch and not our fists.”

Dan nodded. “You do thaaaaaaH!”

Pinkie reached out for Dan's arm and quickly pulled him along.

Trixie watched Pinkie drag Dan away then turned to Gibson. "Is she always that weird?"

Gibson nodded. "Yes, yes she is."

Part 17 … Vs. …: Prologue

Part 17 … Vs. …: Prologue

The Wheel and The Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 … Vs. …

Prologue

-oooooo-

“Chirp! Chirp!”

Sunset Shimmer sprung up in her bed with a happy, if groggy smile on her face. Errant strands of red-and-yellow hair stuck out from her long locks of wavy hair as she threw off her purple covers, revealing purple pajamas with a sun printed on the chest.

“Chirp! Chirp!”

Sunset placed bare feet on her bedroom’s burnt-orange-colored carpet and took a couple steps to the window blinds in front of her bed. She reached for the strings that would open the blinds and pulled on them, allowing the sunlight to pour into her small bedroom. Still smiling, Sunset squinted at the sudden increase of light.

“Chirp! Chirp!”

It was a beautiful day. Almost as beautiful as her, and Sunset intended to enjoy the day to its fullest. She opened the window and let the fresh Southern California air inside. The air was just slightly warm as if kissed by the sun's golden rays.

“Chirp! Chirp!”

Sunset was so happy she almost decided to forego her morning ritual of lobbing something at whatever thing, be it person, animal, or object, that woke her up.

“Chrip! Chi—SQWAK!”

Almost.

Sunset giggled to herself as the small brown bird she had just hit dizzily picked itself off the front lawn of her apartment complex and flew off. Hopefully it’ll tell its friends to sing their obnoxious little songs somewhere else. Sunset poked her head out and scanned the grass, her eyes settling on the small black digital alarm clock she had just thrown. And look! I think my clock might have survived this time! It isgoing to be a good day!

Sunset began humming to herself as she closed the window. She walked over to her bedroom door. Opening it, she stepped into a room that looked to serve as the apartment’s living, dining, and kitchen area. Plaques and shelves full of trophies all bearing her name lined the walls. Sunset sidestepped a big red couch and made her way to the fridge, picking a box of cereal off the top.

A melodic tone began to ring out and Sunset put the box back before she walked across the room to a wooden desk with a laptop sitting on top of it. She reached for her lit-up smartphone, pressed the screen, and brought it up to her ear.

“Hey! Good morning.” Sunset greeted cheerfully. “Hehehe, lucky for you a little bird woke me,” she said as she walked back over to her fridge.

Sunset’s smile dropped slightly. “Hey! It survived. It was well enough to fly away even!” She reached for her box of cereal and picked it up again. “Look, what’s this about?” Sunset paused as she listened to the person on the other line. “… Don’t be stupid. Of course I know about tomorrow! Do you think I’d just forget the months of extra practice it took to become lead skater or the weeks I’ve spent perfecting my routine?”

Sunset walked over to her cupboards and pulled out an orange bowl. “… Of course I know who they are. I own a radio. Kinda embedded in that thing I drive to the rink every day? Besides, we’re being kind enough to loan them the rink the day after…” The cereal box in her hand dropped to the floor, crashing with a rustling sound.  “…WHAT?! Moved?! To tomorrow?!” Sunset said, forcing her words out through clenched teeth.

Sunset began waving her free arm around emphatically. “No! Just no! They have to do a different day! I’ve spent too much… Nothing you can do…?! Already decided?! That’s just… I’m… so… ERRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHFFFUUUU#########$&&&%%%!”

Sunset stabbed at her phone with a finger. No way… Just no F#&%ING WAY! I’ve worked way too hard for this!

Sunset balled her hands into fists, threw her arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“DAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!”Sunset ShimmerVs.The Dazzlings

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 154 Sunset Shimmer Vs. Pinkie Pie

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 154 Sunset Shimmer Vs. Pinkie Pie

-oooooo-

“GRRRRR!” Pinkie cried in frustration as she frantically moved her fingers over the controller in her hand. She leaned forward exposing just a bit of cleavage from under her low cut navy blue top which was under a blue blouse with a white bow on the chest. A navy blue skirt that stopped just above her knees which were shaking in both excitement and frustration. Her ankle length white sock covered legs joined the shaking, and a yellow ribbon in her hair completed the outfit.

Dan chuckled as she sat on the couple’s red couch next to Pinkie, also holding a controller. His fingers likewise flew over the device, but his body was relaxed and calm compared to Pinkie. “Well… You’re not terrible, but you sure the heck can’t compete with me.”

Pinkie gritted her teeth and glanced at Dan. She began rapidly tapping at buttons on the control with a small degree of control.

The TV and speakers in front of the couple seemed to explode in a furry of sound and light for a second.

“HAH!” Pinkie said as she turned to Dan.

Dan glared at Pinkie and then smiled. “Well done, my faithful student. Keep it up and you mightalmost be at my level someday.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe…

‘Knock, knock!’

“Ugh…” Dan uttered as he glanced at the door. “Don’t people have better things to do than to go door to door and harass people?”

Pinkie smiled happily as she stood up. “Don’t worry, Dan! I’ll get it.”

“Fine, but if it’s another Butterfly Girl selling cookies, I’m grabbing the fire extinguisher.”

Pinkie flung open the door and gave whoever was on the other side a bright, cheery smile. “Hello! Sorry for the wait! Dan and I where… where…” Pinkie trailed off, open mouth smile still plastered on her face as she stared at the red-and-yellow haired woman holding a black handbag and waiting on the walkway in front of the apartment.

“Uh, hey,” Sunset Shimmer greeted with a small wave as she looked at Pinkie through her large black sunglasses. “I wanted to talk to Dan.”

Pinkie closed her mouth. “Nope! No Dan here. You must have the wrong apartment!” Pinkie quickly tried to close the door.

The door slammed on Sunset’s boot.

“Ow!” Sunset cried. She pressed her face up to the crack in the door and wedged her fingers inside. “Look! I know this is Dan’s apartment because I was here before!”

“Yeah! To kidnap him then deliver a bomb to me!” Pinkie kept on trying to close the door with one hand as she attempted to pry up Sunset’s fingers with her other. “Well there’ll be no kidnapping Dan or blowing me up today!”

“I’m not here to do that!”

“No kidnapping me or trying to blow up Dan, either!” Pinkie said as she ducked behind the door. She placed her back against it and shoved her body weight against it.

“I’m really sorry about that day, alright!” Sunset said as she attempted to force her limbs through the small opening in the door. “Can’t we just leave the past in the past?!”

“It was less than a week ago!” Pinkie cried.

Sunset let out a small grunt as she continued to push on the store. “Still the past! Still counts!”

“He’s not even here!” Pinkie said as she continually pressed her own body against the door.

“You mentioned you were doing something with him when you answered the door!”

“Okay… He was here but now he’s gone! He left!”

“Your apartment only has one door!”

Pinkie paused for a second. “… He jumped out the window.”

Sunset pressed her face against the opening in the door. “I can see him! He’s staring at us right now!”

Pinkie frowned and turned. Dan was standing mere inches away from her.

Dan motioned to the door. “Oh please, don’t let me stop you. Watching this is even better than whipping you at video games.”

Pinkie sighed as her shoulders slumped. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Goofball, the couch is literally a few feet away in the same room. I’ve been here the entire time.”

“Oh… right…” Pinkie said.

With one final shove, Sunset was able to push the slightly distracted Pinkie enough that she could fit through the door and collapse to the speckled blue linoleum floor with a ‘thump’ and an “Ooff!” Sunset’s glasses clattered to the floor and slid away from her.

Dan looked down at Sunset. “That’s quite the shiner you got there.”

Sunset grimaced and raised a hand to cover her face as she reached out for her glasses with her other. She quickly put them back on and rose to her feet.

“How’d you get that?” Pinkie asked. She smirked. “A bomb delivery gone wrong, or just a typical horrible date with you gone wrong?”

Sunset glared at Pinkie through her sunglasses. “I don’t usually deliver bombs to people and I don’t get punched in the face during dates because I’m awesome, alright?”

“Awesome at being terrible maybe.”

“Look, my stupid friend who’s supposed to help me when I need her sucker punched me, alright?!”

Pinkie gasped sarcastically. “No. Someone you knew personally got mad enough at you to punch you?” Pinkie narrowed her eyelids slightly. “They were probably trying to improve your looks.”

Sunset gritted her teeth. “Hey, you want to be black-eye twins with me? I’d be happy to help apply the make-up…”

Pinkie took a half step closer and put her face inches away from Sunset’s. “Anytime, anywhere, you TV-bomb-placing, boyfriend kidnapping psycho!”

“Psycho?! Pot call the kettle much?!”

Dan cleared his throat. “Hey, if you two are going to fight, I really should get some popcorn going.”

Sunset Shimmer sighed. “I wasn’t looking for a fight, I need your help.”

“You need our help?!” Pinkie cried. “Do you usually try to get help from people you’ve kidnapped before?”

“No, of course not!” Sunset thought about this for a moment. “Well… Maybe… Does it still count as kidnapping if the person expects you to occasionally come around and get them to help you with their consent being a dubious aspect of the exchange?”

“Yes!” Pinkie cried.

“No,” Dan answered.

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Dan. “Chris?”

Dan smiled. “It’s what he’s there for.” He looked at Sunset. “Speaking of which, why don’t you just get your own Chris to help?”

“You mean like my best-friend?”

“Well, Pinkie’s right in that you are kind of terrible…”

Pinkie gave Sunset a satisfied, smug smile that Sunset replied to with a glare.

“… but you must have someone you usually get to help you out with your bombing and kidnapping.”

“I told you I don’t usually do that stuff!” Sunset cried. “I prefer a campaign of subterfuge, blackmail, and the occasional beat down administered via suplexes a choke holds.”

Dan whistled. “My kind of vengeance run.”

Pinkie felt her body tense. “What?”

“Still,” Dan continued, “Pinkie and I have a full day of shunning the outside world in favor of playing strip-video games, so—”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “Is that like… one of us has to remove an article of clothing every time they lose a match?”

Dan gave Pinkie a mischievous grin and nodded. “That’s the idea…”

Pinkie turned to Sunset. “We absolutely are playing strip-video games, you should go.”

“Look, I hate to interrupt what sounds like a fun day of doing staying inside and having increasingly nude arguments over fighting games…”

Pinkie gritted her teeth. “Buuuuut…?”

Sunset sighed heavily and lifted her sunglasses, pointing at her bruised eye. “But the bruise on my eye is telling me I need to give my best friend some space…”

“A minion fight, huh?” Dan asked. He shrugged. “Well these things happen.” He smiled. “I find the key is to figure out a number of their weak points so you can dispatch them easily if they get uppity”

“But she usually never gets violent with me! Let alone throws me out of her apartment and refuses to help me! Protest helping me, yes! But I can usually emotionally blackmail her into helping.”

Pinkie felt her skin crawl. “Ugh… You really are just terrible.”

“Pinkie,” Dan began in a fatherly tone, “sometimes friends don’t always know what’s best and think excuses like ‘that’s illegal’, ‘I broke my wrist last time you asked me that’, or ‘the last time we did that I couldn’t sleep for a week’ should excuse them from doing what needs to be done. A little reminder that you’re their best friend and that friends help each other is just another tool in the toolbox of maintaining a long, healthy relationship with one’s minion.”

Pinkie’s face went a little pale. “I’m suddenly reminded that you and I have very different definitions of the word ‘friend’.”

Dan smiled at Pinkie. “Don’t worry, we’ll scrub away all those crazy lessons from magic, flowery, rainbow—” Dan stopped and took a quick glance at Sunset “—uh… people land soon enough.”

Sunset gave Dan a look of admiration. “That was a very good spin on getting your reluctant friend to help you out. I’ll have to remember that one.”

Dan pointed to himself with a thumb. “Stick with me, baby. I know how the game is played.”

One of Pinkie’s eyes began to twitch. “Baby…?”

Sunset turned towards Pinkie. “So… Where you in a cult or something?”

“What?” Pinkie said raising an eyebrow.

“‘Magic, flowery, rainbow people land,’” Sunset said, “I’m just asking because it explains so much.”

Pinkie gritted her teeth. “Ten…” she said ominously.

“Ten? You were in ten cults? How does that even work? Are you just stupid and gullible enough you go with any half-baked idea someone says to you?”

Pinkie’s eye twitched. “Fifteen…”

Dan quickly placed himself in-between Pinkie and Sunset. “Let’s leaves knifes out of this, alright?” he said to Pinkie. “If you want to punch the girl, that’s one thing, but I don’t want to spend all day disposing of her body.”

Sunset blinked a few times. “Whoa…” She smiled. “I should have asked you two in the first place.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You need someone murdered?”

Sunset shrugged. “Possibly… I mean… That’s probably a bit extreme, but the day is young.”

Dan nodded. “Well, we certainly don’t want to clear anything off the table just yet.”

“WE?!” Pinkie cried. “Dan! We don’t even know who she’s mad at it! You could be signing us up for murdering kitten store owners… or orphans… or kitten orphanage owners, even!”

Dan stroked his chin. “She has a point. We should know more about the targets before the grizzly beat-downs and/or murders.”

“The Dazzlings…” Sunset hissed out.

Pinkie gasped. “The Dazzlings! I love the Dazzlings!”

“Who are the Dazzlings?” Dan asked looking between the girls.

Sunset looked at Dan in surprise. “You really don’t know?”

“Oh, I know.” Dan gritted his teeth. “I just like asking about people who I already know about to waste time!”

“Sorry!” Sunset said raising her palms in front of her. “I just figured everyone knew.”

“Well I don’t!” Dan said. “Excuse me for not paying attention to whatever vapid fad the masses are consuming at the moment.” Dan glanced at Pinkie. “Present company excluded.”

Pinkie smiled.  “The Dazzlings make really cool music! You should try listening to them sometime!”

“Ugh, Pop-stars…” Dan said as if the word itself left a bad taste in his mouth. “That’s like the opposite of kitten orphanage owners.”

“How you figure?” Pinkie asked.

“Pop-stars are a pox upon this already diseased ridden planet! Taking them out would practically be a service.”

“Dan!” Pinkie said. “I don’t want to murder the Dazzlings!”

“Come on!” Dan whined. “I never get to kill anyone!”

“Dan! No! No murders! Not just for making music you don’t like, anyway.”

“Hey!” Sunset said. “I have a reason to be mad.”

“But no one cares about you!” Pinkie cried.

Flustered, Sunset tried her best to respond. “I… well… erm… shut up!”

Dan motioned to Pinkie. “Pinkie makes an excellent point, though.”

“I can go back to my friend’s if I want to be abused.”

“Not the ‘no one cares’, part!” Dan rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he stared to the side. “Though that may be true.”

Sunset grumbled a few obscenities under her breath.

“I meant the murder just for being pop-stars, thing,” Dan said. “As tempting as it would be to ruin the Dazzlings over their horrible life choices in what they help poison the planet with, if we just seek vengeance on every annoying celebrity for the sake of them being annoying, we’d never get anything done.”

“No, look,” Sunset said raising her hands. “Here…” Sunset pulled out a flier the prominently showed her on the front, ice skating with the words ‘Theater on Ice’ at the top.

Dan furrowed his brow at the flier. “You’ve combined the joy of theater with the boringness of figure skating? I’m not sure whether to be intrigued or set your hair on fire.”

“Ooo! Ooo! Hair on fire!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she balled her hands into fists and shook them excitedly. “Hair on fire! Hair on fire!”

“Just… I’m supposed to be skating tomorrow, but the stupid Dazzlings moved theirconcert to the same day at my rink!”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Wait… so they’re going to ice-skating while doing their stupid singing routine? That might be worth watching just to see if one of them trips and decapitates another with their ice skate.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “They de-ice the rink, genius!”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Dan asked.

Sunset sighed. “Look, they just want to space since it holds a lot of people. They don’t care what usually goes on there or who they move out to sort out their constantly messed up concert schedule. I’m their latest in a long line of victims and I just want the chance to perform!”

“Huh, interesting,” Pinkie said in a tone that conveyed quite the opposite of what she had just said. “Well, thanks for stopping by and not kidnapping my boyfriend, planting an explosive in one of our appliances, or spitting in my face, but we’re very busy at the moment, so—”

Dan held up a hand. “Pinkie, a minion uprising is a very serious issue. We can’t in good conscious just turn her away!”

“Good conscience?! Good conscience?!” Pinkie replied shrilly. “Dan she helped kidnap you and almost blew me up! The closest thing to nice she did was decide not to get thrashed by me when I came to rescue you! We don’t owe her anything.”

Sunset folded her arms across her chest. “Hey! I only did all that because you left me to die of hypothermia in a partially thawed skating rink!”

Pinkie’s face turned red as she pivoted on her feet and pointed a finger at Sunset. “I offered you my hand in friendship and dryness from that freezing water and you spit in my face! Literally!”

Sunset frowned heavily. “… I don’t suppose me being angry over you winning the trophy that day is enough to make up for kidnapping and helping plant a bomb in your home…”

“You’re right, you don’t suppose!”

“I’m sorry!” Sunset said earnestly. “And believe me, I wouldn’t have even bugged you two if I had other options for help! But I don’t right now.” Sunset’s eyes went wide and glassy as she puffed out her lower lip. “You two are my only hope.”

“Oh no!” Pinkie said, waving a hand about. “Don’t try the whole ‘puppy-dog’ look on me!” Pinkie pointed to herself with a thumb. “I perfected the puppy-dog look.”

“Hey,” Dan said, “why did your minion punch you in the face anyway?”

Sunset sighed. “I just wanted to warn her about my ex, Flash.”

Dan’s eyes widened in surprise. “She’s dating your ex-boyfriend?”

Sunset nodded. “I just told her he was a traitorous, abandoning, back-stabber…” Sunset paused and rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “In hindsight, I probably should have waited until he was out of the room to say that.”

“I take it your minion doesn’t date often?”

Sunset shook her head. “Flash is her first boyfriend…”

Dan nodded. “An unexpected relationship can wreak havoc on the master/minion dynamic.”

“But what do I do?!” Sunset cried. “I tried yelling at her! Telling her Flash is scum! Telling her she’s scum for dating him! Nothing works.”

Pinkie sneered at Sunset. “Have you tried, oh I don’t know, not being completely horrible to your friend?!”

“What, giving up?” Sunset said.

“No!” Pinkie cried. “Being accepting that your friend has someone else special in their life and figuring out how to make your friendship work with this change!”

Sunset looked at Dan. “That’s the same as giving up, right?”

Dan sighed. “Yeah… But take it from someone who’s watched their best friend get more and more tangled into an evil woman’s web of lies and commitment. If your friend really likes this guy, you’re going to have to get smarter about how you get her away from him when stuff like needing to thrash pop-stars invariably comes up.”

Sunset sniffled slight. “Okay… That’s good advice. Look, I’m… sniff…” Sunset wiped at her eyes then lowered her sunglasses. “I’m glad I came here… but… choke…” Sunset’s tone became increasingly high pitched as she fought back tears.“I guess I’ll figure out how to deal with my problem on my own…” she said before stepping towards the door.

“Hey, wait!” Dan said. “We never said we wouldn’t help you!”

“I did!” Pinkie chimed in. “Many times!”

Dan gently placed a hand on Pinkie’s arm. “Pinkie… obnoxious skating girl—”

“Just call me “Sunset Shimmer” or “Sunset”…”

“—Girl with the stupid fake name—”

Sunset huffed out in frustration.

“—is going through a very rough period of the master/minion relationship. I think as responsible, caring adults we should help her beat up some pop-stars.”

Pinkie scrunched her lips up to one side of her face and thought about this. “Well… I would like to meet the Dazzlings.”

“See!” Dan said. “Everyone wins!”

“But Dan! She almost blew me up and kidnapped you! I mean… That’s pretty bad and you and I both know we’ve punished people for less!”

“Well, sure!” Dan said. “But those people don’t usually show up at our doorstep asking for help or cry so much.”

Sunset sniffled and ran an arm under her eyes.

Pinkie ruffled her hair in frustration and let out a high pitched “Grrrrr!” before turning towards Dan. “Dan! She’s done bad things to us! I’m usually all for forgiveness, but this is a bit much! Especially by your standards! What is it, opposite day or something?”

Dan frowned. “No, it was opposite day a few weeks ago. You called it off when you tried playing ‘Let’s swap cutesy-couple-talk for scathing insults’ with me and I made you cry for an hour straight.”

Pinkie wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. “Oh right… We’re not doing that again.”

“Look, you’re always saying how I should consider being more forgiving of my enemies! Helping one is about as forgiving as it gets!”

“Okay, but like… I just meant maybe set William Shatner’s hedges on fire instead of throwing a Molotov cocktail through his bedroom window! I didn’t mean let’s help a girl that’s basically tried to kill us!”

“I said I was sorry!” Sunset said. “I know I’ve been horrible to both of you, and I know I don’t deserve your help!” Tears began to stream from under Sunset’s sunglasses again. “But I’ve worked so hard to be lead skater! It’s not fair that they just take away from me like this!”

Pinkie sighed and turned to Dan.

Dan shrugged. “Hey, as ridiculous and pointless as I think this ‘Theater on Ice’ business is, the girl has a pretty legitimate reason for being mad here and I’m all too familiar with knowing what it’s like to have one’s minion abandon you because they rather play kissy face with some jerk.”

Pinkie stared off into space with an irritated defeated look before looking back at Dan. “FINE! But I get to hit her!”

Dan smiled. “Deal!”

Sunset frowned. “Wait! Don’t I get—”

‘POW!’

“HRRRK!” Sunset felt the wind get knocked out of her as Pinkie quickly placed her fist into Sunset’s abdomen. Sunset wrapped her arms around her stomach as her eyes went wide. She slowly fell to her knees and laid on her side gasping for air.

“Awww…” Pinkie said happily. “I feel better…”

“Cough… cough… Are we… are we cool?” Sunset asked from the floor.

“… No.” Pinkie replied. She pursed her lips slightly. “But I guess I can at least tolerate to be in your presence for a while.”

Sunset let out a pained grunt as she clutched her stomach and stood up. “Well... Can’t ask for much more than that.”

Dan looked at the two girls, “Well if you two are done exchanging blows… Are you done hitting each other? Yes… You sure? Oh… okay… Well, we better get going.” Dan smiled. “We have pop-stars to beat up!” Dan walked towards the apartment’s door, opened it, and stepped out into the bright Southern California day.

Sunset gave Pinkie an unsure look as she continued to hold her stomach. “Hey, Pinkie…”

“What?” Pinkie replied curtly.

“… Thanks for not hitting me in the face.”

Pinkie sighed heavily as she followed Dan. “You’re welcome…”

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 155 Pinkie Vs. Jealousy

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 155 Pinkie Vs. Jealousy

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 155 Pinkie Vs. Jealousy

-oooooo-

“Trixie has so many complaints about the current situation!” Trixie cried from what was a rather cramped back seat of a car.

Gibson sat next to her, sandwiched tightly between the magician and Pinkie who seemed to be glaring at the driver’s seat in front of her. Despite the tight confines, Gibson bore a slight smile suggesting he might be enjoying his current situation just a little bit.

“Save them for someone who cares,” Dan replied to Trixie from the passenger seat.

“I.E. no one,” Sunset chimed in as she sat in the driver’s seat and continued to drive down the city street. “So just keep it to yourself.”

“Hah!” Dan cried. “Nice one.”

Dan and Sunset exchanged a quick fist bump. Pinkie glanced at the exchange, her eye twitching in response.

Trixie sighed and shook her head. She turned towards Gibson. “How’d you get caught up in all this anyhow?”

“He tricked me!” Gibson cried as he pointed to Dan. “He said you’d be here!”

“And yet here she is!” Dan said. “Think before you start throwing around allegations!”

Trixie leaned forward with an irritated expression on his face. “I’m only here because you tricked him! I should be having lunch while I hear how great I am! Not out doing… whatever ridiculous thing Sunset is mad about this time!”

“Tell me about it…” Pinkie uttered in an irritated tone from the other seat next to Gibson.

“It’s not ridiculous!” Sunset asserted from the driver’s seat. “This is the height of utter importance,” she affirmed.

Trixie leaned back in her seat and rolled her eyes. “It always is…”

Dan and Sunset looked out of the car’s massive windshield that extended from the front of the vehicle so far it composed some of its rather low ceiling. Their eyes drifted up to a billboard selling a bottled green beverage of some sort next to the phrase ‘Can I get a kale yeah?’

Sunset grumbled an obscenity under her breath as she saw the billboard.

Trixie looked outside and sighed. “Oh here we go.”

“Well it’s a pretty stupidf#&%ing slogan!” Sunset snapped. “Appropriate that they’re replacing the word ‘hell’ with ‘kale’, but still stupid.”

“Wait, what’s kale?” Dan asked.

Gibson piped up from the back. “Wait, you honestly don’t know?”

Dan turned to his side and leaned out of his chair a bit. “Oh, this is just part of my ongoing quest to waste everyone’s time by asking questions to things I already-OF COURSE I DON’T KNOW, IDIOT!” Dan snapped.

Sunset sighed. “It’s basically a leafy vegetable that’s trendy now.”

“… ‘Trendy vegetable’?!” Dan exclaimed. “That might be one of the worst things I’ve heard in my life.”

Pinkie winced. “That’s a pretty high bar.”

Dan let out an irritated growl. “And they’re forcing horrible, vegetable-related puns on the public! This is an outrage! The makers and producers of that sign should be arrested for public indecency then dragged into the street and shot to have an example made out of them.”

Sunset smiled. “No argument here.”

Trixie’s eyes went wide. “Oh no… there’s two of them…”

Dan continued to glare up at the sign as the car drove closer to it. “Sunset, I’m sorry but we have to stop and set fire to that billboard.”

Sunset paused for a moment, then smiled. “I’ve wanted to burn down that billboard for weeks.” She turned to Dan with a devilish smile on her face. “I have road flares and a gas can in the trunk.”

“Let’s do it!”

“Yes!” Sunset said as she pulled over the car.

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as her eyes went wide. “You’re… you’re committing arson with her?!” Pinkie cried as she motioned to Sunset.

As soon as the car had stopped, Dan and Sunset quickly undid their seatbelts as the top of the vehicle popped upward on a hinge at the front of the windshield.

Dan turned back towards Pinkie. “It’ll only take a minute!” he said before he and Sunset jumped out of their seats and out of the car.

“That’s not what I…GrrrrrrrRRRRRRR!”

Trixie sighed and undid her seatbelt. “Come on Gibson. We need to keep an eye out for the cops and distract them if need be.”

“Aw, man…” Gibson said as he undid his own seatbelt. “Can’t believe boss-man has me keeping look out on my days off, too.”

Pinkie shot Gibson a hurt look. “But… but I usually distract the police if they show up!”

Trixie shrugged. “Sorry,” she motioned to herself dramatically, “but the Grrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixienever passed up an opportunity for a potential street performance.”

Pinkie sighed heavily as Trixie and Gibson climbed out of the car. “I’ll just keep an eye on the car…” she said in a sad tone as she decided to stare down at her bare knees.

“Hey! I think they’re setting fire to that billboard,” a deep masculine voice called out.

Pinkie looked up as a pair of policemen, one sporting a long nose and a bushy mustache, the other clean shaven with a muscular frame and a chiseled jaw, walked down the street towards the billboard.

Pinkie reached for her seatbelt.

“Nothing to worry about, officers!” Trixie said, quickly stepping in front of the police. “Just a harmless magic trick.”

The mustached officer’s face lit up. “Why, the Great and Powerful Trixie,” he said with a slight Irish accent. He grinned at Trixie. “Out doing a little magic practice, eh?”

Gibson stepped up and pensively looked from the police to the billboard which had started to smoke.

“That’s right!” Trixie cried. “Now… does anyone have a coin?”

Pinkie whimpered and went back to staring at her knees while feeling sorry for herself.

Soon Trixie had wowed the pair of policemen with coin tricks, the ability to correctly guess cards, and a billboard that only appeared to be on fire. Meanwhile, Pinkie was practicing something she rarely did: not move a muscle as she looked on with a forlorn expression. She took no notice of the sound of another car pulling up behind the one she was in or the sounds of car doors opening and closing.

“Hi, Dan!” A male’s voice called out.

Pinkie suddenly perked up.

“Not now, Monkey-face!” Dan shouted back. “I’m righting vegetable-pun wrongs! The worst kind of wrongs!”

“Yeah, I can see that!” Chris shouted back.

Pinkie quickly undid her seatbelt and pulled herself out of the car, a low to the ground, red sports car complete with a massive finned yellow spoiler on the back, an exposed engine, and flames painted on the hood. A small smile replaced the sad look on Pinkie’s face as she saw two familiar people. “Chris! Elise! What brings you here?”

“Hi, Pinkie!” Chris greeted from the base of the billboard. “We were passing through and we noticed the billboard fire.”

“Hi, Pinki—Ooooff!” Elise uttered as Pinkie practically threw herself at the redhead and wrapped her arms around her. “Naturally we assumed you and Dan had something to do with it.”

Pinkie let go of Elise than let out a sad sounding gust of air and hung her head and arms in front of her. “More like Dan and that crazy ice-skating girl.”

Chris looked up, holding a hand over his eyes to shield it from the sun. “Oh, you mean that girl that beat up Amber and then got beat up by Gibson’s mom? So that’s who’s up there with Dan.”

“That’s the one.” Pinkie whimpered slightly. “She and Dan are getting on like a billboard on fire,” she added in a depressed sounding tone. Pinkie felt something well up in her chest. “They don’t need me for anything!” She added in a tone that was just a hair’s breadth away from sobbing.

“Oh, Pinkie…” Elise said in a sympathetic tone as she placed her hands on Pinkie’s shoulders. “As weird as it is for me to admit this, I think Dan loves you very much. I’m sure he just got swept up in the moment.”

Pinkie looked up at Elise, her eyes were puffy and small streams of tears went down her cheeks. “But Dan’s never clicked this fast with anyone before! What if she’s Dan’s soul mate and I’m… hic… and I’m… sob… not?”

Chris squinted as the nasally sound of Dan being angry combined with the vulgarity-laced speech of Sunset drifted down from the billboard. “I’m not sure I’d worry about that so much,” Chris said. “Looks like those two are already at each other’s throats… literally while everything around them is on fire.”

Pinkie looked up with an expression full of hope. “Really?!”

Chris nodded and turned towards Pinkie. “If anything, I’d say those two are more in hate with each other than love.”

Pinkie gasped and pointed at Chris. “You mean like Dan and Elise!”

Chris smiled and pointed back. “Exactly!”

“… WHAT?!” Elise cried.

Pinkie placed a hand on Elise’s shoulder. “It’s okay Elise. I bet if you remind Dan exactly why he hates you he’ll forget all about the hate he has for that Shimmer girl.”

Elise pulled a look that seemed to have gotten lost somewhere in-between ‘sneer’ and ‘complete face spasm’. “I am not going to compete with this woman over who Dan hates more!”

“Ha! Radical!” Pinkie cried. She turned and looked up at the billboard. “Do you hear that Sunset Shimmer?! Elise doesn’t even think you’re competition!”

“That’s not what I… ARRRGGGH!” Elise cried in frustration.

Pinkie smiled at Elise. “I like your spirit, but you should really save all your vitriol for Dan.”

Elise smacked a palm against her face.

“Gee, that billboard is really burning,” Chris said as flaming bits of billboard began to fall, turning to ash on their way down.

Pinkie looked up. “Yeah, it really is…”

Gibson strolled up to the group. “… So is anyone going to help those two, or are we just going to let them argue until they catch fire?”

Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Oh, right.”

“They’re climbing down,” Chris said. He frowned. “At the same time… While still arguing and pushing each other…”

“Just wait your turn!” Dan cried as he attempted to descend a narrow metal ladder and fight Sunset at the same time. “A little fire should match your crazy hair style perfectly!”

“F######&% that!” Sunset said as she too tried to descend the ladder while shoving Dan. “You can wait and play with the fire!”

Trixie strolled up to the group below with a satisfied smile on her face. “Well, thanks to the efforts of the Grrrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie, those police have completely forgotten about the billboard fire.”

“Hey watch it, condiment hair!” Dan shouted from high above.

“You watch it, shorty!” Sunset shouted back.

Pinkie looked up with a slightly panicky expression. “They’re going to fall.”

Trixie shot the group an irritated look. “Don’t everyone thank me at once.”

“Sorry, Trixie,” Gibson said as he glanced at the magician, “but we’re a little concerned those two are going to fall to their deaths.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Sunset nearly falls to her death all the time, but we have a system in place for it.”

“Really?” Gibson asked. “What is it? Looks like we could use—”

“AAAAAAAHHHH!”

“AAAAAIEEEEEE!”

Pinkie positioned herself and held her arms out.

Trixie positioned herself, then pushed Gibson a few feet.

“Hey!” Gibson cried. “Why’d you…”

“Oooff!” Dan exclaimed as he landed safely in Pinkie’s arms.

‘Thud!’

“OW!” Sunset cried as she landed on top of Gibson.

“… Ooouch…” Gibson uttered from the hard sidewalk below.

Trixie looked down at Gibson with a worried apologetic look. “Sorry, force of habit… We usually have another girl around for this sort of thing.”

Gibson raised an index finger. “I have mixed feelings about this…” He announced in a pained voice from under Sunset’s rump.

“Nice catch,” Dan said as he smiled at Pinkie.

Pinkie pulled Dan close and nuzzled his cheek despite the rough stubble. “It’s what I’m here for.”

Dan chuckled and returned the affection. “Alright, alright, we’ll cuddle later. We have vengeance to commit.”

Pinkie sat Dan down.

Sunset stood up and brushed herself off. “At least your jailbait boy-toy is good for something,” she muttered to Trixie.

Gibson rolled onto his stomach and gave Sunset a confused look. “Jailbait? I’m both flattered and confused.”

“What’s to be confused about?!” Dan asked. “You’re under 18, ipso facto you’re jailbait.”

“True…” Gibson said as Trixie helped him to his feet. “But that’s a term usually used on underage girls.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Gibson. “There’s no sexism in the Dan army.”

“Hah!” Elise cried derisively.

“The Dan army?!” Sunset cried. “Hey, this is my vengeance run!”

Dan took a few steps closer to Sunset. “Hey, you might be the one with the vendetta, but I’m the expert here!”

“Expert?!” Sunset said as she crossed her arms in front of her. “Trixie, tell Danny boy here about all the vengeance runs we’ve pulled together.”

Trixie shook her head. “I try not to commit details to memory. That way I have less to tell the court if I have to testify against you.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Chris? Pinkie?”

Chris gave Sunset an unimpressed look. “Dan once got so mad at a kid selling milk-chocolate bars door to door that he declared war.”

Sunset cocked an eyebrow. “War on what?”

“Let’s just say the Person Scouts still have a mandate to bring Dan in ‘dead or alive’.”

Pinkie wrapped her arms around her and shivered slightly. “You get really good at dodging arrows when you spent a lot of time with Dan.”

Dan turned his palms skyward. “Children going around selling poisoned candy door-to-door has got to be a violation of the Geneva Convention! Someone has to do something if that useless United Nations is just going to turn a blind eye to it!”

Sunset gave Dan a confused look. “Alright, I hate those snot nosed little brats knocking on my door to sell me stuff as much as the next person, but ‘poison’?

Chris spoke up, “Dan’s lactose intolerant.”

“DON’T TELL PEOPLE MY WEAKNESS!” Dan cried. He pointed at Sunset “Especially not an insane girl like her who might actually use it against me!”

Sunset smirked. “It’s definitely something I’m committing to memory.”

Dan leveled an index finger at Sunset. “Is that supposed to scare me lady? Look, we could stand here all day while I tell you all the things I’m capable of, but need I remind you who my girlfriend is?” Dan said as he pointed behind him with a thumb at Pinkie.

Pinkie gave Sunset a mad grin and cracked her knuckles.

Sunset held out her hands palms forward. “Alright, chill. As long as we get the job done I don’t care.”

‘THUD!’

‘PHWOOOSH!’

The group all took several steps back from a flaming piece of billboard which had just fallen onto the street next to them.

Gibson frowned. “We should leave before the police remember there’s a billboard on fire and come back…”

The group began walking back to Sunset’s red hot rod and Chris and Elise’s blue sedan.

Elise cocked an eyebrow. “Are you two on some sort of mad billboard arson spree?”

“Tempting,” Dan said, “but we have pop stars to deal with.”

“Any in particular?” Chris asked. “Or is your radio just stuck on the top 40 station again?”

Dan shook his head. “Naw, some group called ‘the Dazzlings’ edged Sunny girl there out of what is certain to be a mediocre ice-skating performance.”

“Screw you!” Sunset cried. “My performance is going to be fabulous once we make sure it happens.”

Chris’s face lit up. “The Dazzlings! I love the Dazzlings.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Shooooocking… Well don’t get too attached. We might render them unable to sing.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “But I like their music, too!”

“Wait, that’s what this is about?!” Gibson cried. “Dude, uncool!”

Dan sighed heavily. “Does everyone just have really horrible taste in music?!”

Sunset nodded in agreement as she stepped up to her car. “I know, right?”

“Who said anything about their music?” Gibson said.

Trixie cocked an irritated eye at Gibson. “HmmmmmMMMMM?!”

Gibson looked at Trixie nervously. “I mean… You’re perfect and all other women are complete garbage compared to you.”

Trixie smiled and nodded satisfactorily.

Dan’s eye twitched. “Alright obnoxious teen, your desperate devotion might be cute to your girlfriend there, but you just shot straight up to ‘most expendable’ for this little mission after your girlfriend.”

“Hey!” Trixie cried. “Trixie is not expendable!”

Chris smiled as he walked past Sunset’s car to the blue sedan. “It’s going to be a good day.”

Elise sighed. “If Pinkie and Dan manage to avoid getting arrested for assault or even murder, that is.”

Chris pursed his lips. “Should we go with them?” He looked out over the group by Sunset’s car as Dan and Sunset found themselves entangled in yet another heated argument.

Pinkie smiled wide as she watched the quarreling duo, her eyes occasionally drifting over towards Elise.

Chris Continued, “I don’t think anyone else is really going to try practicing damage control.”

Elise put on a thoughtful look. “I don’t know if we should get involved…”

Dan walked past Chris and Elise, Pinkie bounding happily behind him. “Chris, Elise, we’re riding with you. That bright red eye-sore is now the sacrifice car.”

“SACRIFICE CAR?!” Sunset cried. “This automotive piece of art is worth more than everything you own combined!”

“Pinkie,” Dan said as he opened one of the back doors to the blue sedan, “remind me to purchase a tank… and a jet… or some sort of crazy jet-tank hybrid.”

Pinkie grinned as she skipped to the other side of the car and opened the door. “Of course, Dan.”

Chris smiled at Elise. “I think we just got conscripted.”

“Well…” Elise shrugged. “At least we get a chance to meet a few celebrities…”

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 156 Dan & Sunset Vs. The Fancy Hotel

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 156 Dan & Sunset Vs. The Fancy Hotel

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 156 Dan & Sunset Vs. The Fancy Hotel

-oooooo-

Chris drove his and Elise’s blue sedan past rows of tall palm trees and other well-trimmed desert flora as he pulled up to a massive, eight-story white hotel which curved slightly in the middle.

Pinkie stared up at the building. “Oooo… Fancy and schmancy… I think I never need a third ‘ancy’ word… Like ‘prancy’.”

Dan tapped his chin thoughtfully. “So our targets are somewhere in there, huh? I guess it’s a little big to just burn to the ground.”

Elise turned in her seat and shot Dan a concerned look. “Your initial plan was to just set fire to the hotel with everyone trapped inside it?”

“Well no,” Dan said, “but I like to keep my options open.”

Pinkie turned and gave Dan a serious look. “Dan, no starting structure fires from which the innocent have no hope of escaping.”

“I wasn’t gonna!” Dan said. “I mean… maybe we can lead the hotel staff in some sort of rebellion against their evil celebrity overlords.”

Chris shot a glance at the backseat of the car. “I’m not sure you’re clear on how hotels work, Dan.”

“Maybe the Dazzlings are lousy tippers, alright?!” Dan exclaimed as car went under the hotel’s white overhang and the daylight from outside dimmed into shadow. “Look, I’m not used to playing vengeance consultant. I’m just brainstorming here.”

Chris shook his head and brought the car to a stop. “Well, whatever we’re going to do, we better come up with something soon. We’re here.”

The four exited the car as Sunset Shimmer’s hot rod pulled up behind it. The top popped open and Sunset, Trixie, and Gibson all jumped out.

Chris looked at Sunset. “So, how do you know the Dazzlings are here?”

Sunset shot Chris an irritated look. “There’s this thing called the internet? Heck, the lead singer tweets like you wouldn’t believe. I think she has some sort of mental condition where she needs near constant attention.”

Elise smirked. “Reminds me of someone else I know of.”

Trixie and Sunset shot a glare at Elise. “Shut up!” they said in unison before turning to look at each other.

A man with close cropped hair in a red vest over a white shirt with black pants smile from a podium that read ‘VALET’. “Hello and Welcome to the Beverly—”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “A valet? You’re useless to me! Pinkie! Vulcan nerve pinch!”

“Okay!” Pinkie said happily. “I don’t actually know how to do that!”

The valet gave Dan a nervous grin and pointed down the road, “Uh, there’s a parking lot just down—”

Trixie sighed. “I got it,” she announced as she walked up and held a palm up in front of the valet. “Sleep!” she commanded.

The valet jerked his head slightly before his eyelids began to drop. Soon his legs gave out from under him and he was heading for the ground.

Gibson quickly rushed over and grabbed the man before he fell headfirst onto the cement sidewalk. He leaned the man against his podium.

Sunset frowned. “Well, that was needlessly pointless.”

Dan smiled. “All part of the plan.”

“You have a plan?” Sunset asked.

“Well… I’m working on one,” Dan replied.

“Excuse me… Does anyone need help with their bags?”

The group turned as a young male in a buttoned up red uniform complete with a round red cap walked up.

“Crazy-haired magician lady! It’s night-night time!”

Trixie sighed as she walked over to the bellhop and raised a palm in front of his face. “Sleep!” she commanded.

The bellhop’s eyes rolled back into his head and be began to teeter backwards. Gibson sighed and quickly dove forward and caught him before he hit the hard concrete ground and gently lowered the bellhop.

Dan nodded. “Good work, crazy-haired magician lady.”

Trixie shot Dan an irritated look. “I have a name, you know.”

“There’s no time for names!” Dan cried.

“It’s actually much shorter than the stupid nickname you came up for me!”

“What the heck are you even doing?!” Sunset demanded of Dan.

“Teh,” Dan uttered dismissively, “It should be obvious to any experienced vengeance-seeker!” Dan turned to Gibson. “Obnoxious teen! Strip that hotel worker of his uniform!”

Gibson frowned. “I don’t want to do that…”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Just pretend it’s an unconscious pretty girl!”

Gibson raised an eyebrow at Dan. “…Okay, that’s pretty messed up even for me.”

Trixie let out a muffled growl.

“Also, I still don’t want to do it,” Gibson said.

Dan sighed. “Pinkie?”

Pinkie smiled. “One half-naked hotel worker, coming right up, Dan!”

Sunset looked at Dan in surprise. “You’re going to have someone disguise themselves as the bellhop?!”

Chris spoke up, “Assault and clothes stealing is pretty standard for these sort of outings.”

Elise chuckled. “Heck, I do it all the time in my job.”

“… What?!” Sunset exclaimed. “What the heck do you do for a living?!”

Elise’s face went pale. “I erm… I beat people up… and steal their clothes…”

Chris shook his head. “Smooth beautiful, really smooth.”

Elise turned to Chris and flung her hands out. “Well how was I supposed to know she’d put me on the spot like that?!”

Sunset sighed. “Look, I don’t even care anymore!” She turned to Dan. “Just… What is your plan here?!”

“Well obviously someone needs to disguise themselves as the bellhop to infiltrate the hotel from the inside! Oh yeah, Pinkie?”

“Yes‘m?” Pinkie replied as she pulled off the bellhop’s pants.

“Take off your clothes and put on the bellhop’s uniform.”

“Sure thing, Dan!” Pinkie said as she pulled the bow on her chest untied and began to unbutton her blouse.

“… I like this plan,” Gibson said.

“Hey!” Trixie protested.

“I mean, ‘I hate this plan’,” Gibson said hurriedly.

“Crazy-haired magic girl!”

“It’s Trixie!” Trixie snapped.

“Whatever, gouge obnoxious teen’s eyes out! I don’t want him ogling Pinkie any more than usual.”

“I really hate this plan,” Gibson said.

Trixie’s eyes went wide. “But Gibson needs his eyes to ogle Trixie!”

Gibson nodded. “I do! I really do.”

Dan sighed. “Fine! Then cover them at least.”

Trixie rolled her eyes and raised a palm over Gibson’s eyes.

Sunset watched as Pinkie stripped down to a frilly pink bra, equally frilly pink panties, and her knee high socks, then turned to Dan. “Your idea is to have Pinkie pose as a bellhop…”

“Ding, ding, ding,” Dan said with mock enthusiasm. “We have a winner.”

“Why?!”

“Crud, Sunset,” Dan exclaimed. “Do I have to explain every little detail?!”

“Humor me.”

“Obviously when you’re stupid pop-stars order room service, Pinkie will deliver it. We’ll just hide on the food cart and Pinkie will sneak us in.”

Sunset smacked a palm against her face. “Okay, that is just stupid for a number of reasons.”

“Oh, what is it now?” Dan asked.

“First of all,” Sunset motioned to Pinkie, “she looks nothing like the bellhop, so I doubt she’s going to fool the hotel staff. She’s not even the same gender! Second of all, bellhops usually help people with their luggage when they either show up at or leave the hotel! We don’t even know if they’d send Pinkie!”

Dan sighed. “Anything else you want to add, miss parade rainer?”

Sunset motioned to Pinkie. “The uniform doesn’t even fit her.”

Pinkie looked down at her stolen uniform. Both the red jacket and white shirt under it had most the top buttons undone, leaving Pinkie’s cleavage and bra exposed. While she had managed to get the red pants up, they stretched to the point where Pinkie was unable to zip or button them leaving the front of her panties exposed. “Well… it is a tight fit,” Pinkie admitted.

“Can I open my eyes yet?” Gibson asked.

“NO!” Dan and Trixie said in unison.

“She has a point Dan,” Chris chimed in.

“Hey! Whose side are you on?!” Dan cried.

Chris continued, “It’s just your plan sort of relies on a lot of things out of your control.”

“I know how to improvise if things don’t go according to plan! You should know that!”

Elise frowned. “It’s a pretty big hotel. You should probably avoid beating the tar out of everyone right away.”

“Yeah!” Sunset agreed. “Let’s save that for the Dazzlings themselves.”

“Ech, fine…” Dan uttered. “Still, I stand by my decision to knock out the bellhop. Not like we brought any luggage.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “We could have just said we were here to visit someone.”

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “Oh yeah? Who are we here to visit?”

Sunset looked up into the corner of her eyes as she thought on this. “Joey Jo-Jo… Junior Shabadoo.”

Dan smirked and rolled his eyes. “That’s the worst name I ever heard.”

“Shut up!” Sunset cried.

“Hey!”

The group turned as a woman with her hair in a bun, wearing a smart grey outfit and a nametag on her chest walked up to the group. Her high-heels clicked and clacked against the cement and she leveled an angry, accusatory scowl as she approached.

“What the heck is going on out—”

“Trixie!” Dan cried. “Put her to bed!”

Trixie quickly ran up to the woman and held her palm up to her. “Sleep!” she commanded.

The hotel worker’s eyelids closed and she began to fall to her side. Gibson quickly rushed up and caught her, gently lowering her unconscious body to the ground.

“Trixie!” Sunset cried. “Are you just going to knock out everyone this lunatic tells you to?!”

Trixie frowned slightly. “Well, he got my name right this time.”

Dan smiled. “Good work, Pixie.”

Trixie’s eye twitched. “Trixie now regrets her action.”

Dan turned to Elise. “Elise, now strip down and put on this hotel worker’s clothing!”

“Dan, don’t be absurd!” Elise exclaimed. “I’m not going to just change outside in front of everyone. We’ll drag her somewhere secure, then I’ll swap clothes.”

Chris raised an eyebrow at his wife. “I thought you didn’t want to get too involved.”

Elise smiled and shrugged at Chris. “You know, this is turning out to be a lot more fun than I expected.”

Dan frowned slightly. “Fine, but we’ll need to find a way to sneak her in.”

Pinkie smiled. “We can make it nap-time for anyone who gets in our way!” she suggested.

Dan smiled wickedly at Pinkie. “I like your thinking.”

Sunset shook her head. “I think this plan has the potential to get out of hand very quickly, and—”

Sunset was cut off as a large black SUV pulled up beside her car. A man with a receding hairline, glasses, and a closely cropped beard stepped out. He adjusted his dark blue bow tie that went with his light blue suit coat and looked at Pinkie. “Excuse me, miss. I can use help with my baaaaags…?” The man soon found himself staring at Pinkie’s exposed cleavage.

Pinkie smiled. “Of course! That’s totally my job. I mean… It’s not like we knocked out the real bellhop so I could take his place!”

Sunset smacked a palm against her face.

“Tricky!” Dan called out. “Send this guy to meet up with the sandman.”

“Trixie is on it…” Trixie said as she walked up to the would-be hotel patron. “Sleep, or whatever,” she said in a disinterested tone as she raised her palm in front of the man.

The man fell backwards onto the cement with a ‘thud!’

Everyone looked at Gibson.

“Hey! I caught three people already!” Gibson cried defensively. “We can at least take turns.”

“Seriously!” Sunset cried in an irritated tone. “Is the plan just to knock out the entire hotel?!”

“Oh no!”

The group turned as a blond haired women in a black dress exited the passenger side of the SUV and rushed up to the fallen man. “Joey JoJo Junior Shabadoo!” she cried.

Sunset gritted her teeth. “You’ve got to be joking…”

“Lixie!” Dan called out.

“I got it! I got it!” Trixie replied in irritation.

-ooooo-

“Alright, so what’s the count?” Dan asked from behind the front desk of the hotel.

Leaning against the desk in a tight-fitting bellhop uniform that left his shins and forearms exposed, Chris adjusted his red bellhop hat. “Two bellhops, two workers working the front desk, three cleaning ladies, and five guests. The hotel break room is getting a little crowded.”

Dan nodded and turned to his side. “Elise, see if you can find a hotel room we can keep our overflow victims in.”

Sitting at a desk chair and wearing the female hotel’s worker uniform, Elise nodded. “No problem,” she responded as she typed away at a computer.

Standing on the other side of Elise, Sunset scowled down at her as she wore a matching outfit. “Shouldn’t you be finding the Dazzlings on that thing?!”

“One thing at a time,” Elise replied.

Sunset let out a small frustrated growl.

Still wearing the ill-fitting bellhop uniform, Pinkie walked up with a pile of miscellaneous clothes. “Hey Dan, I took the clothes off all the people we knocked out.”

“Good work Pinkie,” Dan said. He rubbed his hands together. “Now we have loads of disguises to choose from!”

“WHY DO WE EVEN NEED MORE DISGUISES?!” Sunset exclaimed.

Dan raised an index finger. “You know the Person Scouts motto, ‘shoot first before they shoot you’.

Chris rolled his eyes. “Their motto is ‘be prepared’, Dan.”

“Oh, well that fits too.”

Sunset sighed and shook her head. “Where’s Trixie and her boy toy?”

“I told them to knock out the kitchen staff,” Dan said.

Sunset shot an irritated look up towards her eyebrows as if they were the source of her frustration. “Of course, it’s so obvious now.”

Pinkie smiled. “Well it was once Elise intercepted a call from the Dazzlings!”

Elise shrugged. “Well, they just called for room service.”

“Wait,” Sunset said as she looked back down at Elise, “if they called, does that mean you know which ro—”

“Stop!” Dan cried. “You’re overthinking this!”

Sunset glared at Dan. “I’m overthinking this?!”

Pinkie placed a hand on Sunset’s shoulder. “Good job. The first step is admitting you have a problem!”

“But I wasn’t… GRRRRRRRRRR!How do you people get anything done operating like this?!”

Chris shrugged. “We’ve gotten good at sort of blundering into success.”

“Look, it’s really very simple,” Dan began. “One of the Dazzlings called to have a bunch of tacos delivered. All Dixie and obnoxious teen have to do is make some tacos and lace them with enough chloroform to knock out the Dazzlings.”

“Trixie can barely make macaroni and cheese edible!” Sunset cried. “What makes you think she can make something palatable enough to be worth eating?!”

“Well you go help them cook, then!” Dan exclaimed.

Sunset suddenly turned several shades paler.

-ooooooo-<

“I give up,” Sunset declared as she walked up to a square wood grain table and flung herself into a chair across from Twilight Sparkle. Her face and clothing were splattered with a number of different-colored condiments.

Twilight looked up from the book she was reading. “You were just making sandwiches.”

Sunset nodded. “And I said, ‘I give up’! I really don’t see what’s hard to understand about this conversation.”

Twilight sniffed the air and turned. “Why is there smoke coming out of my kitchen?!”

Sunset gave Twilight a pensive grin. “Let’s just say there were… complications with the mayonnaise.”

“… But you don’t cook mayonnaise!”

“That was the complication.”

<-oooooo->

“You know what?” Sunset said with a nervous smile. “On second thought, maybe Trixie’s boyfriend will know what he’s doing.”

-ooo-

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Gibson said as he dropped a lettuce leaf into a large blender.

“I thought you worked as a chef!” Trixie exclaimed from a few yards away inside the stainless steel kitchen.

“Baker!” Gibson corrected. “Big difference. My mom usually does all the cooking at home.”

“It’s just tacos!” Trixie exclaimed. “How hard can it be?”

“Well… Why don’t you try making them, then?” Gibson asked.

“Trixie is on guard duty!” Trixie exclaimed. She pointed her wand at Gibson. “If I let my guard down for even a second, the kitchen could be swarming with hotel staff!”

“I think we knocked most of them out on the way here…” Gibson said as he added an onion to the blender.

Trixie shook her head. “There are a lot more floors… What are you doing with the vegetables anyway?”

“Er… Dicing them?” Gibson said in an unsure tone.

“In a blender?” Trixie said as she raised an eyebrow. “It’s brilliant! Maybe that’s how the tomatoes are diced, too?”

Gibson’s eyes went wide. “And how the cheese gets shredded!”

“Yes!” Trixie cried as she grabbed a tomato and a hunk of cheese and added it to the blender. Gibson closed to the lid as right before Trixie turned the device on.

‘WrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRR!’

Green, white, red, and yellow all spun around and around, soon turning into a brown sludge inside the jar of the blender. Trixie hit another button on the blender and it ceased spinning and slicing up the contents inside it.

“Hmmm…” Gibson said as he examined the brown mass that had been created. “I expected it all to be a lot less goopy somehow…”

“Hey!”

Trixie and Gibson jumped as feminine accusatory shout rang out across the kitchen.

“I thought you were on guard duty!” Gibson said in a harsh whisper.

“Er… Trixie was distracted by your ingenuity?” Trixie offered as she grinned pensively and blushed slightly.

“What’s taking my tacos so long?!” A woman with light blue hair with dark blue streaks in it demanded.

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 157 Gibson & Trixie Vs. Tacos

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 157 Gibson & Trixie Vs. Tacos

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 157 Gibson & Trixie Vs. Tacos

-oooooo-

Gibson couldn’t help but stare at the striking, yet oddly adorable-looking, woman in front of him. His eyes started by taking in the sight of her gorgeous blue hair which was tied in a large pony tail. They then drifted downwards to admire a maroon shirt with metal clasps that held it shut with rolled up sleeves. His eyes lingered slightly on the pink spiked wristbands she wore, which when combined with the shirt made for an oddly cute but dangerous look. A pink skirt that went halfway down her thighs and pink boots with white toe caps completed the ensemble.

Gibson tilted his head back up and found himself looking into the girl’s eyes. Her stunning magenta eyes had the look of… the look of… Alright, they had the look of a small child who was trying to figure out why her parents were watching the TV when they knew this was time for ‘Tavi the Traveler’. But the rest of her was great to look at!

“OW!” Gibson exclaimed as he felt something jab him in the ribs. He looked down to see Trixie glaring up at him, almost as if she was trying to melt his eyeballs right out of his sockets with her own. He couldn’t help but feel entranced by her blue-silvery hair that seemed to shimmer no matter where it caught the light. His eyes wandered downwards as they tried, and failed, to avoid tripping into the small crevasse between the soft gentle slopes of the top of Trixie’s breasts. Gibson’s eyes fell downwards, sliding down the gentle curves of Trixie’s body, down the sides of her blue shirt that hugged the sides of her body, and down yet still onto her jeans that practically seemed painted onto her thighs.

Gibson’s eyes fell all the way to Trixie’s boots and then slowly climbed their way back up her body, taking a break on her chest for a little bit before traveling upward on Trixie’s cheeks which had turned slightly rose colored. Finally, Gibson’s eyes made it all the way back to Trixie’s eyes. Eyes like liquid lilac colored pools that seemed to get calmer and more inviting the longer he stared into them.

“STOP IGNORING ME AND TELL ME WHERE MY TACOS ARE AT!”

 Gibson and Trixie flinched slightly and broke eye contact, turning back to their surprise guest.

Gibson fumbled about, wringing his hands together nervously as he attempted to come up with a response. He motioned to the blender and its brown sludge contents. “There was… a problem.”

The blue haired woman looked at the blender suspiciously, then marched right up to it. Gibson and Trixie parted, allowing her to walk straight up to the appliance. She pulled off the lid of the blender jar and smelled the contents.

Gibson and Trixie took a few steps back, maintaining their close proximity to each other as they observed the strange woman with the blue hair.

The woman held the blender jar up, opened her mouth, tilted her head back, and allowed the viscous brown mess to slide straight into her mouth.

Gibson and Trixie looked on with a mixture of awe and disgust as the woman practically chugged the substance as if she was simply consuming a fruit smoothie.

“I think I’m going to be sick…” Trixie said as her face turned slightly green.

Gibson, on the other hand, simply kept staring with the same disgusted, yet somewhat curious look on his face.

Trixie shot Gibson an irritated glance and nudged him slightly.

“What?!” Gibson cried. He motioned to the woman. “It’s impressive… Sort of revolting, but impressive.”

“Well that was pretty good,” the woman said as she wiped her forearm across her mouth and set down the blender jar. “But not as good as a taco.”

Gibson shuffled his feet nervously. “Yeah… We sort of don’t know how to make a taco.”

“WHAT?!” the woman snapped as she suddenly rushed up to Gibson and stuck her face right under his. Despite the fact that Gibson was a full head taller than the woman, he felt himself shudder a bit in place. Something about her eyes let him know that his life was, in fact, in danger. “HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO MAKE TACOS?!”

“It’s our first day,” Trixie said with a shrug.

The woman’s face softened slightly and she took a couple steps away from Gibson who took a relieved breath of air.

The woman sighed and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a chef’s knife next to a number of vegetables lined up neatly on a stainless steel counter.

Gibson and Trixie felt their bodies tense as the woman turned, holding a knife in one hand.

The woman grabbed a tomato. “Let me show you how it’s done.”

-ooooo-

A purple, platform boot tapped in a bored rhythm against beige carpet. Above the boot, purple pants hugged long legs that want up to a crisscross belt with a silver five-point star belt buckle. Above that, a white shirt curved inwards slightly going up to a teal shirt with the arms torn off. Finally, above the clothing was a woman’s face surrounded by purple hair with neon-blue streaks in it as if the hair was a frame for the very picture of ‘grumpy’. Two double-stared headbands held the woman’s long hair into twin ponytails. Her dark amethyst eyes continued to stare at one of the white walls of the large, well-furnished hotel room, almost as if the wall itself was angering her.

 “Ugh! What is taking her so long?!” The woman demanded.

Irritated orchid-colored eyes tore themselves from a large flat-screen television to stare at the woman. This pair of eyes belonged to a woman lying on a queen-size hotel bed. A layer of puffy orange hair was sandwiched in between her and the pillows she had propped herself up against. She wore a small lilac jacket that hugged the sides of her chest, a purple playsuit that left her shoulders exposed and ended a little bit down her thighs, and finally lilac colored leggings that went down and over her feet. A pile consisting of purple boots and a gold belt sat on the floor in front of the bed.

“Seriously Aria?” The orange haired woman replied to the grumpy woman. “We’ve been given this fleeting gift of quiet, and not only do you sully it with your whining, you actually want the little moron to come back and completely destroy it?”

“I’m hungry, Adagio! Tacos should not take this long.”

“Hmmm… True… Room service is definitely a bit slow tonight,” Adagio mused as she tapped her chin. She smiled. “Still, if it means a little peace and quiet for a change, I’ll take it.”

Aria frowned and went quiet for a second, just long enough for Adagio to turn back to the T.V.

“Do you think she got lost?” Aria asked.

Adagio let out a pained groan. “I’m sure she tripped into a laundry chute, broke all four limbs on the way down, and is now bleeding to death in a cart full of hotel-soiled blankets. Can I please just watch this movie?!”

“Dagi!” Aria snapped. “That’s not cool! We at least need Sonata to sing with us.”

Adagio rolled her eyes. “Look, God willing, they’ll find her dead in aforementioned laundry cart, or with her neck cut because she smashed her entire head through a vending machine when she forgot how glass worked, and then we’ll find a replacement and our lives will be that much more fulfilling.”

“Hey, that childlike idiot drives me up the wall too, but it’s not like we have another pretty girl on standby who knows all our songs.”

“Who says we need a new girl?” Adagio asked. “We get a sack of turnips, put a blue wig with a pony tail on it, set down a recording of Sonata’s lines, maybe sprinkle some taco crumbs on it. NO ONE WOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!”

Aria narrowed her eyes. “We do dance moves too, Adagio.”

“Oh my god, Aria!” Adagio cried. “If it’s not Sonata trying to get me to play Barbies Vs. Laser Bears, it’s you whining to me about something! If you’re hungry, just go to one of the vending machines or go to the kitchen or even just find Sonata so you can have a tearful moment as you two idiots confess your love to each other before she dies because of hand soap overdose.”

“… Okay, Sonata is dumb, but why would she eat hand soap?”

“Because they put pictures of fruit and stuff on the front!” Adagio snapped as she threw her arms in the air. “Sonata’s just dumb enough to think she’s drinking liquid oranges or something.”

“… That’s called ‘orange juice,’ Dagi.”

“And Sonata is just stupid enough to think people keep orange juice just sitting next to kitchen sinks! What’s your point?!”

“They don’t even keep soap like that in hotel bathrooms, Adagio!”

Adagio rolled her eyes and waved a hand about dismissively. “Whatever, all this time you’re standing here bugging me while your chance at final kisses that taste of taco sauce and soap are slipping away from you!”

Aria gave Adagio an irritated growl. “You know what? Fine! Just sit here and starve while you watch your stupid rom-com.”

Adagio narrowed her eyes as Aria walked towards the hotel room door. “You just don’t understand that deep subtext going on here.”

Aria rolled her eyes as she opened the door. “Right, Dagi. Dave Cook is just sooooo deep.”

One of Adagio’s eyes twitched. She quickly sat up and grabbed one of the pillows she was lounging on. “GrrrRRRRAAAAAAH!”

‘Puff’

The pillow bounced harmlessly off the hotel door as Aria closed it behind her. She trudged down the hallway with an irritated grumpy expression on her face.

“Aria…?” Adagio called out in a somewhat desperate-sounding tone. “Can you please come back in here and give me the pillow I just threw at you…? I don’t want to get up. Aria…?”

-oooooo-

Sunset Shimmer gritted her teeth as she watched a massive pile of expensive-looking clothing stumble into the lobby on a pair of red pants-covered legs. The pile slowly made its way to an even larger pile of clothes on the floor, before falling and dissembling into the mass revealing the curly pink-haired woman in the bellhop’s uniform who had been carrying the pile.

“Third floor’s finished!” Pinkie announced cheerfully as she walked over to the hotel’s front desk and set down a green bottle and rag.

“Good work, Pinkie,” Dan said as he leaned over the counter and tilted his head up to plant a small peck on Pinkie’s cheek.

Pinkie giggled. “See! I told you this plan would be better than setting fire to the hotel!” She motioned to the clothes. “And we get prizes this way!”

Chris had already made his way to the clothing pile and began rummaging through it. “Yeah, too bad they don’t all fit us…”

“Hey! No complaining, monkey-face!” Dan snapped. “There’s still five more floors to go.”

One of Sunset’s eye’s twitched. “Why are you just knocking out everyone in the hotel?!” Sunset demanded.

Dan shook his head. “Sunset, Sunset, Sunset… I’m afraid you don’t understand basic math.”

“I can add and subtract just fine! Thank you!”

Dan gave Sunset a smug look. “Well, if you know about subtraction, then you’d know about the process of elimination.”

One of Sunset’s eyes twitched in irritation. “I’m going to regret hearing this, aren’t I?”

Pinkie gently placed a finger against Sunset’s lips and pressed her cheek up against one of Sunset’s. “Shhhhhhh… Shhhhh, shhh, shhhh…. Dan will explain it.”

Sunset gritted her teeth. “I think I’m going to go back to hating both of you…”

“Look,” Dan began, “once we’ve knocked out everyone else in the hotel, all that will be left are those stupid pop stars you’re angry at!”

Sunset began to massage her temples as she glared out at the hotel entrance. “That is so convoluted and stupid, I think I feel an aneurysm coming on.”

From the other side of the front desk, Elise looked up from her computer monitor. “Well, maybe instead of just hovering around and griping the entire time, you can help clear out the floors! We still have four more before we’ll even get to the one the Dazzlings are on.”

Chris sighed and shook his head. “Oh honey…”

Elise’s eyes widened. “Oops…”

Dan shot Elise an angry glare, which Elise replied to with an awkward, apologetic smile.

“You know what floor they’re on?!” Sunset shouted as she stomped up to the front desk and glared at Elise from over the monitor.

Elise leaned back slightly and shrugged. “More or less…”

Sunset narrowed her eyes. “Just how much more?”

Chris pulled a dark green suit jacket from the clothing pile and held out either arm as he examined its size. “We actually know the exact room number.” He turned towards Elise and showed her the jacket. “What do you think, beautiful?”

Elise smiled. “I like it! It brings out your eyes.”

“WHAT?!” Sunset cried. “When did this happen?!”

Elise shrugged. “Oh, about thirty seconds after I hacked through the employee verification system. I mean… It’s not like the Hotel register GUI is exactly hard to figure out.”

“YOU’VE KNOWN WHAT ROOM THEY’VE BEEN IN THIS ENTIRE TIME?!”Sunset cried angrily. “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?!”

Elise grinned. “Honestly, I was enjoying watching how this whole thing would pan out.”

Pinkie interjected, “To be fair, she told everyone else here.”

“HOW IS THAT FAIR?!” Sunset said as her face exploded into a rage-filled glare.

Pinkie dwelled on this for a minute. “Huh… I guess it’s not, really…”

Dan placed a hand on Sunset’s back. “Look, if it makes you feel better, we thought about telling you, for like… a second. But then we decided this outcome resulted in the most fun for the most people. You know… Sort of like a utilitarian party, if you will.”

Sunset took an about-face and focused azure eyes overflowing with burning hot hate at Dan. “RARRRRRAAARRRAAAAGHHGHRAAAAAAAAAAA!” she screamed point blank into Dan’s face.

Dan shot Sunset an irritated look as he raised a pinkie to his ear and stuck it in, turning it a few times. “Alright, calm down, miss abominable condiment woman. You’re still going to get what you want at this rate.”

Elise yawned and stretched an arm straight up, pulling on her elbow to straighten it further. “Look, if you guys don’t need any more not-really-secret hotel information, I think I’ll take a walk.” Elise stood up “It’s starting to get a bit heated in here.”

Pinkie smiled. “Okay Elise! Have fun having almost half the hotel to yourself.”

Elise walked in front of the counter. “I will.”

Sunset turned and leveled an index finger at Elise. Her mouth hung open, stuck in a position of a rage-filled scream, yet no sound came out.

Chris looked up from the clothing pile and smiled. “Want some company, beautiful?”

Elise returned the smile. “Only from a tall, handsome man.”

Chris snickered and extend his elbow. “Well, guess we better go find one.”

Elise chuckled as she looped her arm around Chris’s.

Dan cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted after the pair. “Hey! If you two could knock out any guests or hotel staff you come across on your walk, that would be great!”

Elise simply replied with a simple wave as she and Chris strolled out of the lobby and into a hallway.

Sunset’s face changed color to match the red in her hair. “FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…!”

Elise simply shook her head and laughed quietly to herself as she walked away, arm and arm with Chris.

Chris looked down with a concerned look. “You don’t think Sunset will flip out and attack Dan and Pinkie, do you? They’re both pushing her pretty hard.”

Elise looked up and smiled. “They’ll be fine. Pinkie can take her easily.”

“Oh right!” Chris replied. “Also, Dan has his rage powers if he needs them.”

Elise felt a shiver run through her body. “Thanks… I had just managed to erase that info from my mind.”

Chris gave Elise a pensive grin. “Sorry beautiful, I just—”

“HEY! YOU TWO!”

Chris and Elise looked up to see a woman with purple hair in twin ponytails glaring daggers at them.

“Just what the hell is going in in this hotel?!” Aria demanded.

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 158 Chris Vs. Aria Blaze

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 158 Chris Vs. Aria Blaze

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 158 Chris Vs. Aria Blaze

-oooooo-

The once pristine stainless-steel kitchen was now a disaster area of destroyed and smashed vegetables, mushy piles of both raw and partially cooked ground beef, smashed taco shells, and blackened patches of burnt food that covered the occasional stove, wall, or part of the ceiling. In the eye of this ‘disaster food storm’ stood Trixie and Gibson as the pair stared at the blue-haired woman. In front of her, the woman had assembled a perfect pile of diced tomatoes, diced onions, shredded lettuce, and had even neatly filled a bowl with sour cream as a pan full of ground beef simmered gently next to a neat, tidy line of taco shells.

The blue-haired woman dragged a block of cheese over a metal grater. “And then you grate some—” She closed her eyes and inhaled— “Hmmmmm…. Delicious cheddar cheese.”

Trixie and Gibson nodded as they watched the woman.

The woman’s eyes suddenly went wide as her lips spread out and opened into a dagger-smile. “The cheese hates this.”

“…Uh-huuuuh…” Trixie said.

The woman continued to grate the cheese, altering her pitch up slightly and speaking in a desperate tone as her smile remained. “‘No! No! Stop! Please! I’ll do anything! Stop! Ahhhhhh! I have a family! Please think of my little curds!’”

Gibson and Trixie exchanged a worried glance.

“Still like her?” Trixie whispered.

“Well… She’s cute…” Gibson whispered back. “But yeah… We might die.”

Trixie nodded solemnly. “Hold me?”

“Only if you hold me back.”

Trixie and Gibson wrapped their arms around each other as the woman continued to ‘torture’ the cheese. “‘Oh God! Why! WHYYYYYYYY! Just let me die!’” The woman suddenly closed her lips and smiled wide, tossing the remaining block of cheese behind her into a number of pans suspended on hooks in the kitchen. The pans clattered to the ground causing Trixie and Gibson to jump back.

The woman quickly walked over to a cupboard and opened it, revealing a stack of white plates. She grabbed one from the middle plates and yanked it, bringing most of the remaining pile ‘crashing’ to the ground.

Gibson pulled a face that was equal parts impressed and frightful. “She’s caused more damage than us just making tacos!”

Trixie glanced around the now filthy kitchen full of debris and memories of out of control fires that nearly killed her and Gibson. “She’s some sort of kitchen force of nature.”

“I’m still trying to figure out how she caused that sour cream fire! I didn’t even know that was a thing!”

The blue-haired woman started neatly assembling tacos on the plate, putting the shells down before spooning up some of the ground beef. She began singing to herself as she did this, a somewhat nostalgic, familiar tune in a cutesy high-pitched voice that soon turned into an eerily unsettling song of her own creation. “Curious George, the curious little monkey? Where’s he going? Probably to your house… to look at things and break them! Maybe start a fire… You could die of smoke inhalation or burn to death! Why did you let a monkey into your home? You’re a dummy and deserve to die.”

Trixie and Gibson shot each other yet another concerned glance, one of many they had shared since the blue-haired woman came into the kitchen.

“Allll done~!” The woman practically sang out as she raised her taco platter up into the air. She began to saunter away, turning as she walked out of the kitchen to sing out, “Help yourselves~!”

Trixie let out a sigh of relief. “Well, we lived.”

Gibson nodded. “Yeah, but… You know that was Sonata Dusk, right?” he asked as a glop of ground beef fell from the ceiling to the floor behind him with a ‘plop’.

Trixie shot Gibson an irritated glance. “Yes Gibson, Trixie isn’t stupid you know.”

Gibson’s eyes widened and he leaned back slightly as his lips tightened. “Whoa! I mean… Shouldn’t we have done something?”

Trixie sighed. “I kept spraying the air in front of her with chloroform. She didn’t even notice. At one point I accidently left my refill bottle on the counter and she drank it like it was juice.” The color drained from Trixie’s face slightly. “It didn’t even slow her down…”

Gibson’s lips pulled back as he clenched his teeth. “Think we should warn everyone else?”

“Later,” Trixie said as she walked over to the taco fixings. “Trixie is hungry.”

-ooooooo-

“Wow!” Chris exclaimed as a huge smile spread across his face. “Aria Blaze… I’m just… I’m such a huge fan.”

Aria let out an extended sigh akin to a tire that just had a small puncture put into it. “Here we go…”

Chris raised his fists to just a little under his chin as he shook them back and forth like an excited child. “I know you’re probably busy but… could you sign… Uh… erm…” Chris glanced up slightly and smiled, pulling off his bellhop hat. “Could you sign this hat?”

Aria rolled her eyes. “Got a pen?”

Chris puffed out his lips and frowned. He turned to Elise.

Elise chuckled as she reached into her jean pocket and clicked the pen once. Chris’s face let up as Elise handed the pen to Aria. “Try not to click the pen two more times, alright?”

Aria ignored the cryptic warning and snatched the hat from Chris, she quickly began to scrawl on the hat. “Thought they taught all you swanky hotel folk to not bug the celebrities.”

“Sorry,” Chris said, “it’s my first day.”

“Whatever…” Aria said as she handed the hat back to Chris and the pen back to Elise.

Chris examined the hat. The sentence ‘GO F#&% YOURSELF!’ had been printed and big bold letters right above Aria Blaze’s signature that she had decorated with a flame motif.

Elise stared at the hat as her cheerful countenance quickly sank into an ocean of anger.

“Oh this is awesome!” Chris explained as he put the hat back on.

Elise’s left eye twitched slightly. “Chris, take that off please.”

“Heh, sorry beautiful,” Chris said as he took off the hat and looked at it. “Guess it is a little crude to wear around in public.”

Elise turned and glared at Aria. “Do you always tell your fans to go fornicate themselves?”

Aria nodded. “Always and without fail. It’s what they expect of me.”

Chris continued to smile as he examined his freshly defaced hat. “It’s okay honey, it really is part of the ‘Aria Blaze’ experience.”

Aria raised an eyebrow. “Beautiful? Honey? You two are pretty close for a couple of hotel employees. You two bangin’ or something?”

Elise’s already narrowed eyes narrowed further. “‘Or something’,” she said through clenched teeth.

Chris looked up from his hat. “Technically we’re doing the first thing too.”

Aria looked Chris up and down, her focus remaining on his exposed shins and forearms a bit as her eyes took him in. “Is that why she makes you wear a uniform that’s way too small for you, dude? You’re her boy toy?”

“That’s my husband,” Elise hissed out, “and I don’t make him do anything.”

“Wait, you two are married and you make him dress like that? What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with this hotel?!”

Elise took a step closer. “I thought I just told you I don’t makehim do anything.”

“Uh… beautiful?” Chris said in a concerned tone.

Aria closed the distance between her and Elise. “B!%&#, you better step-off.”

“Hah!” Elise said cried in a derisive tone. “Who’s going to make me?! Some pampered popstar?!”

“Er… Elise?” Chris said. “There’s something you might not know about Aria.”

“Not now, Chris,” Elise said.

“Okay, but…”

Aria placed her left hand over her right fist and cracked her knuckles, then switched hands and repeated the motion. Her angry expression soon gave way to curved smile like a scythe ready to fall. “‘Pampered pop star, eh? Looks like I’ll get to skip my exercise routine tonight.”

-oooooo-

Dan, Pinkie Pie, and Sunset Shimmer traveled down the luxurious hotel hallway. Sunset’s boots practically slammed against the floor as she angrily stormed onwards, her fists held against her sides and clenched until her knuckles had turned white.

Dan flung his hands to his sides as he followed behind Sunset. “Come on! We still have more floors to knock out all the people on!”

Behind Dan, Pinkie happily bounded along. “We almost have enough accessories to have a fancy jewelry fight!”

“I DON’T CARE!” Sunset snapped. “We’ve wasted so much time already! I just want to walk up there and scream and suplex until I get my way.”

Dan scrunched his lips as a thoughtful expression crossed his face. “Well… I can at least relate to that.”

Pinkie skipped ahead to the front of the line and knocked on the door. “Room service!” she called out sweetly.

There was a heavy sigh from the other side. “Do I have to get up?” a feminine voice replied.

Sunset’s eyes narrowed. “That’s it! Let’s blow up the door.”

“Sweet!” Dan said as he turned on his heels. “You have explosives in your car, right?”

“Doesn’t everybody?” Sunset replied.

Pinkie turned and gave Dan and Sunset a slightly worried smile. “Guys, I got this.”

Sunset and Dan frowned. “Fiiiiiine…” they both said reluctantly.

Pinkie knocked again. “I have tacos!”

“WHO CARES?!” The voice answered.

“Welp, that didn’t work,” Sunset said. “Let’s blast the door open.”

A crazed smile crossed Dan’s face.

Pinkie smiled and rolled her eyes. “There’s a complimentary bottle of chaaaaampagne~!”

There was a pause followed by the sound of steps hitting the floor. “Be right there.”

Pinkie turned and smiled at Dan and Sunset, who both folded their arms across their chests and grumbled to themselves.

There was a ‘click’ from behind the door before it opened revealing a woman with a mass of long, orange, curly hair. “Just give me the bottle,” She said as she held out her hand. “I do not require any glasses.”

“YOU!” Sunset cried as the coals of her anger ignited into a blaze in her eyes. “YOU’RE THE ONE WHO—”

Pinkie let out a shriek of girlish delight. “OH MY GOSH, DAN! ADAGIO DAZZLE’S HAIR IS EVEN FLUFFIER IN PERSON!”

Invisible weights pulled at the corners of Adagio’s mouth as Pinkie bounded up behind her and began running her hands through the pop-star’s hair.

“PINKIE!” Sunset snapped. “I’M TRYING TO WORK HERE!”

“I DON’T CAAAAAAARE~!” Pinkie sang back.

Dan chuckled to himself.

Adagio glared out at Dan and Sunset as Pinkie continued to stroke her hair. “Seriously, do you have booze or not? ‘Cause I can use some right now.”

“DAN! IT’S LIKE PETTING A FLUFFY ORANGE SHEEP!”

Sunset narrowed her eyes at Adagio. “Listen, b!%&#! I have a bone to pick with you!”

Dan smirked. “Oh, this oughta be good.”

Adagio slowly raised an eyebrow. “I think you’re looking for Sonata… or Aria. They’re both trouble-causing idiots.”

Pinkie flung herself against Adagio’s hair and hugged it and began rubbing her face against it. “IT’S SO FLUFFY I’M GOING TO DIE!”

The group suddenly jumped slightly as the muffled sound of a window breaking was heard, which was immediately followed by an unmuffled sound of a window breaking.  Suddenly a loud ‘boom’ rocked the hotel causing the four to widen their stance and put their arms out slightly to maintain their balance.

Sunset’s eyes widened. “What the fu—”

Adagio smacked a palm against her face. “Not again…”

The sound of heavy boots hitting the ground rapidly grew louder as Aria rounded the corner and sprinted up to the group. A mad smile was etched across her face cover despite the mass of cuts and bruises that covered her head and bare arms. “Dagi! I need my Ninjatō! Both of them!”

Adagio sighed and turned, trudging back into the hotel room. “Yeah, yeah…”

Dan smiled happily at Pinkie. “This is fun!”

Pinkie smiled back. “I know, right? We should come here more often.”

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 159 Elise Vs. Aria Blaze

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 159 Elise Vs. Aria Blaze

-o~Just a few minutes earlier ~o-

 Elise smiled as Aria’s fist sailed towards her, a telegraphed haymaker thrown hard and wide. Blocking and even grabbing the arm was easy. Before Elise could do anything with the arm though, Aria’s second fist flew out, a quick jab aimed at her face. Elise was quick and deflected it with her other arm. However, Elise felt Aria’s first arm twist and her own hand slip as it encountered the spiked bracelet Aria wore.

Elise kicked towards Aria’s knee, but the ‘pop-star’ turned her leg so Elise’s foot hit Aria’s thigh harmlessly. Elise’s smile disappeared, Aria was good and fast, a dangerous combination that meant Elise was in for a real fight.

“Beautiful,” Chris interjected again. “Aria Blaze is a skilled martial artist! That’s why the Dazzlings don’t travel with body guards!”

“I can see that!” Elise said as she blocked another blow aimed at her face.

Aria chuckled as Elise and her exchanged several punches and kicks, each one deflected or blocked by the other woman. “Hey, you’re pretty good for a hotel worker!”

Elise managed to snatch one of Aria’s arms again and quickly pulled her closer, kicking at one of her feet to get Aria unbalanced enough to turn and get into a choke hold.

“Clcckkk!” Aria uttered as her airway was cut off.

Elise tightened her grip and smiled again. “You have no idea!”

Aria jerked her head back.

‘POW!’

Pain shot through Elise as the hard part of Aria’s skull collided with her nose. Her eyes began to tear up as a reaction to the pain. Disoriented, Elise’s grip loosened and she soon felt spiked points being jabbed into her arms as Aria wrestled herself free.

Aria’s wide, slightly crazed smile remained on her face. “Maybe you’re not as good as you thought!”

“GRrrrrrAAAAAH!” Elise replied with a series of punches and kicks as blood began to trickle down her nose. Aria blocked and deflected, moving backwards as Elise kept the purple-haired woman in strike range.

Chris watched as the two women took their fight down the hallway, watching as pictures and even light fixtures were torn from the wall to be used as impromptu weapons. Weapons that broke easily as each woman took turned their bodies and blocked taking blows to conditioned body parts.

Soon the hallway was a mess of broken picture frames, broken glass, and fist and foot sized holes in the walls. Soon the girls were covered in bruises and tiny cuts as fists, feet, and myriads of foreign instruments were used to deliver blunt force trauma.

“Oh, dear…” Chris uttered as he placed his, now vulgar, bellhop cap back on his head and cautiously followed the flurry of combat that turned the area around it into a wreck of debris.

Amidst the flurry of attacks, Aria pivoted to her side and released a kick that caught Elise in the abdomen.

Elise felt the wind being knocked out of her as she herself was knocked back several feet. “Oooff!” She looked up at Aria with a glare on her face. “Oh, that is it!” She announced as she reached into her grey jacket and produced a sword with a black wrap handle in a black scabbard. Elise quickly pulled her ninjatō from its sheath.

Aria gasped excitedly as she quickly backed off, putting a few more yards between her and Elise. “A ninjatō?!”  Aria exclaimed as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a red vial. “I’ll go get mine!” Aria threw the vial against the hotel wall, breaking it and releasing a red powder that hung in the air.

“ELISE!” Chris cried as a he broke into a sprint.

“Oh no you don’t!” Elise exclaimed as she placed her scabbard back in her jacket and took a few steps forward.

Aria smirked as she reached into her pocket and produced a silver lighter with a blue and red flame on it. “I thought you’d say that…” In what seemed like one smooth motion, the lighter was opened and lit, Aria tossed it towards the red cloud of mist just an instant before Elise reached it and Chris dove for Elise’s legs.

‘THUD!’

‘PHWOOOOOOOSH!’

Elise fell to the ground as the air right above her suddenly ignited into a brilliant fireball that scorched the hotel walls.

Elise and Chris quickly scrambled to their feet as they both felt something too hot and too close for comfort. Elise quickly took off her flaming jacket and threw it to the ground, the sound of metal clattering was heard as a few large medieval weapons and firearms fell out.

Chris pulled off his fiery cap and shook it hard until the flames died down, leaving a smoking hole on the top of the hat.

“Thanks Chris, that was close.”

“Well, she certainly sticks to her theme,” Chris replied. He examined his hat. “Hey, do you think this has more collector’s value now that it was burnt by a fire Aria Blaze caused?”

“Aria!” Elise hissed out as she bent down to pick up her sword. She looked down the hallway. She heard a ‘Ding!’ and broke into a sprint, Chris close behind.

Elise turned a corner just in time to witness a pair of elevator doors closing. Aria smiled smugly and waved as Elise dove, an instant too late from stopping the elevator.

“DAMN IT!” Elise cried as she reached into her grey pants and pulled out a boxy, heavy looking gun that she raised, supporting the massive rectangular barrel with her left hand. She held it point blank at the elevator door.

“What’s the heck is that?!” Chris exclaimed as he rounded the corner.

“It’s a melt gun,” Elise informed as orange lights on the device came to life as it began to ‘hum’ louder and louder.

Chris’s eyes widened in with the concern of one who had seen one to many crazy devices in his life. He ducked his body back into the hallway, only leaving his head to peer out. “Oh…”

‘HmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMM!’

“It melts things!” Elise exclaimed over the loud hum right before a concentrated beam of orange light hit the elevator door.

“Yeah! I pieced that together because of the name!” Chris shouted back.

Elise averted her eyes as the elevator door began to turn red, then orange. It began to sag as solid metal turned to liquid that dripped to the floor below. Soon a hole formed in the center just large enough for someone to crawl through. Elise quickly shut off the device causing the orange beam to cease. She reached into her trousers and dove through the fresh, red hot hole.

“HONEY!” Chris called out in alarm as he watched his wife disappear into the elevator shaft. Chris ran towards the elevator. There was a ‘pop!’ like pressurized air be realized and the distant sound of a ‘click!’

Chris peered through the hole as Elise zipped upwards on a thin metal line in the cavernous shaft. “JUST A SECOND, HANDSOME!” Elise called out. “JUST NEED TO MELT AN ELEVATOR!”

Chris pursed his lips as he stared at the steaming melted metal that now formed a hole leading into almost pitch black nothingness.

“I think I’ll just take the stairs…” he uttered to himself.

-ooo-

Aria frowned as she the elevator began to hum as it continued to ascend to the top floor.

Huh… That’s new… What the heck is up with all this weird clicking and humming? Beads of sweat began to appear on Aria’s forehead, causing her to fan herself with her hand. AND WHY IS IT SO FREAKIN’ HOT ALL OF A SUDDEN?! Geez… You’d think a swanky hotel like this could keep the elevators cool or… Why are my feet so hot? “Oh, no…” Aria uttered as she looked down and realized the beige carpet below her had started to turn black in the center. Aria quickly dove to the front corner of the elevator by the buttons and began frantically hitting them. The floor buttons all lit up as the heat inside the elevator increased and the floor began to sag in the center, pieces of it falling down in gloopy hot orange masses.

‘Ding!’

Aria practically dove through the elevator doors as they opened on the seventh floor, she broke into a sprint, frowning as she noticed only hotel rooms and a plate glass window at the end of the hall awaited her down the way she was going. She ceased her running. Damn! Wrong way! I’ll need to double back before…

“Nowhere to ruuuuun~!” Sang a voice darkly.

Aria turned to see Elise approach with a slasher smile on her face, sword at the ready.

...Before thathappens!

Aria turned reached up towards her hair, removing one of the five pointed spiked stars from around a ponytail as she sprinted towards the window. She threw the star and it sailed neatly through the air before smashing through the window making a little hole. She quickly reached for a second star.

“HEY! STOP THAT!” Elise cried as she reached into her pocket, pulled out her pen and clicked it three times. Elise tossed the pen as Aria sprinted ahead, twin purple pony tails flapping behind her.

Aria retrieved the second star from the other ponytail and glanced behind her, she tossed the star and turned.

The star hit the pen midair.

‘BOOOOOM!’

The pen exploded on impact with the star rocking the hotel with Aria mere yards away from it. Aria jumped and raised her knees to her stomach as she closed her eyes and covered her ears, bending her elbows inwards in front of her face. She allowed the blast wave to propel her through the damaged window in front of her. Glass shattered as her body was thrown through it.

Aria felt the heat of the explosion behind her, and twisted in midair, shielding her eyes as glass flew about her. With her free hand she removed a third star from her hair, this one attached to a long length of coiled cord and a square device with a switch. One of her pony tails spread out in all directions in the fiery air as she began to fall. She quickly aimed for the floor above her that was beginning to get further and further away as gravity took hold of her.

With a flick of her wrist, the star sailed through the air, trailing a cord behind it. It smashed through the plate glass window on the eighth floor. Aria waited no more than an instant to watch the cord start to slack then hit the switch as she grabbed the cord with her other hand. She felt her body jerk back as she was suddenly pulled upwards and forwards. Holding tightly to the device in her hands she closed her eyes and raised her arms in front of her. One again, glass shattered, giving way to the weight of her body as she was pulled through it. Aria let go of the cord and let gravity pull her to the carpeted floor below. Glass cracked under her boots then body as she rolled back into a standing position.

Her hair a mess, her face and bare arms now covered in cuts that seeped blood, she smiled and casually walked back to the cord dangling under her star which was now embedded between the hotel wall and ceiling. With a grunt and a hard pull, her star was free. Aria quickly grabbed the half of her hair that was flowing freely with one hand and brought the star to it with the other. Soon her ponytail had been restored.

Aria broke into a sprint down the hall, running down its length before rounding the gentle curve in the center. Turning the corner, she could easily pick out Adagio standing in front of the open hotel room as she conversed with a hotel worker with fiery orange-and-red hair. Next to the hotel worker was a short man wearing a black t-shirt that read ‘JERK’ in big bold letters. He regarded Aria with an amused smile. Aria paid no mind to either, instead homing in on the woman with a mass of orange hair which was being stroked by a pink haired bellhop as if it were a fluffy animal.

“Dagi! I need my Ninjatō! Both of them!”

 Adagio sighed and turned, trudging back into the hotel room. “Yeah, yeah…”

Dan smiled happily at Pinkie. “This is fun!”

Pinkie smiled back. “I know, right? We should come here more often.”

“What now?!” Sunset Shimmer exclaimed in an exasperated tone.

Adagio shouted from inside the hotel room. “This happens almost every time we stay somewhere! Why do you think we left such a huge deposit? Didn’t you get the memo?!”

Aria turned towards Pinkie. “Why are you getting all cuddly with Adagio’s hair?” she asked as she cocked an eyebrow.

“Because it’s the fluffiest thing ever!” Pinkie said in a giddy tone.

“Okay… but… Touching the guest’s hair is probably against policy… I’m guessing… I mean this is a pretty weird hotel.”

Pinkie giggled. “Sorry! It’s my first day.”

“Yeah, lot of that going around…” Aria said.

A rustling could be heard from inside the room. “Seriously!” Adagio cried out in an annoyed tone. “Why do you have so many weapons?!”

“Hey!” Aria shouted into the hotel. “Better to have ‘em and not need them than need them and not have them!”

Adagio shouted at Aria. “Do not compare your pile of death here to condoms! Condoms are much smaller and easier to pack! Plus people don’t get seriously injured when I break them out… usually.”

Dan turned and raised an eyebrow at Sunset. He pointed behind him towards Aria with a thumb “Is it bad I’m starting to like this girl a little bit?”

Sunset gritted her teeth. “YES!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh, lighten up. You act like this whole day has been one huge series of time wasting events.”

“It’s been exactly that!” Sunset snapped.

“I meant, for me!” Dan said as he motioned to himself. He folded his arm across his chest. “You really need to not be so selfish and work on thinking about other people.”

Sunset smacked both her palms against her face and shook her head. “Shoulda just torched the place…” she uttered.

“Hey! You came to us!” Dan protested. “So when you think about it, everything that happened so far is really your fault!”

Sunset sighed heavily and began to massage both her temples with the tips of her index and middle fingers. “I swear I’d set you on fire right now if I had that magical ability to do so.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Right, like there’s a world in which that could happen.”

Aria shot Dan and Sunset a slightly confused look but then focused on Pinkie, taking note of the ill-fitting uniform. “Do any of the bellhops have uniforms that fit?!”

Pinkie gave Aria a slightly pensive grin. “Well… they did.”

“They all shrink in the wash, or somethin’?”

“Oh, yeah! That!” Pinkie said as she pointed towards Aria. “Let’s go with that!”

Adagio finally returned carrying two swords in wooden-grain scabbards with cherry-woodgrain and brass handles.

“Thanks, Adagio!” Aria said excitedly as she quickly pulled both swords out, one in each hand. She turned and began running back down the hallway she just came from.

“STOP EXPLODING THINGS!” Adagio demanded.

“WASN’T ME!” Aria replied.

Adagio sighed heavily and smacked a palm against her face, dragging it downwards. “Now what has that little idiot gotten herself into?”

“Hey!” Sunset cried. “Stop changing the subject!”

The sounds of women shouting at each other and metal hitting metal could be heard from down the hall as Adagio shot Sunset a glare. “I told you we’d pay for everything! Don’t get uppity about it!”

“I don’t even care about that!” Sunset cried.

“Oh…” Adagio said, flinching slightly as Pinkie returned to stroking her hair. “Then what is your problem?”

Sunset took a deep breath of air and let it out, as if she was expelling negativity from her body. “I just want to talk to you about moving your concert at the ice rink to another day.”

“Oh!” Adagio said her eyes growing slightly wider. “Well get bent, then,” she said as she casually stepped back into the hotel room and started to shut the door.

“Awww…” Pinkie uttered in disappointment as Adagio’s hair left from her grasp.

“WHAT?! HOLD UP!” Sunset cried as she thrust her foot between the hotel door and the frame.

‘THUD!’

“OW!” Sunset cried.

Pinkie gave Sunset a wide eyed smirk. “You are not having good luck with doors today!”

“Shut up!” Sunset cried as she tried to pry open the door. “I’m just trying to talk to people!”

Adagio glared through the crack in the door as Sunset tried to pry it open. “Well we’re not talking about this! I already had to rearrange our concert schedule and change the concert date here once I’m not doing it again!”

“Look!” Sunset said. “I just want to explain this! Can’t you open the door?”

“NO!” Adagio cried. “I’ve already dealt with enough stress because my bandmates are crazy morons! I’m not compounding it be having to rearrange the concert schedule again!”

Sunset narrowed her eyes as she continued to force open the door. “Look, either we do this the easy way where we talk about it, or the hard way where you’re forced to move the date!”

Adagio gave Sunset a very serious look. “Oh yeah? We’ll just have to see what Aria has to say about that!”

“Hey!” Aria’s voice rang out from down the hall. “What the HELL lady!”

Pinkie grinned pensively as she looked down the hall and turned towards Adagio. “Yeah, I think she’s a bit busy at the moment…”

‘CLACK! CLACK! CLACK!’

Everyone collectively froze as the sound of gunfire echoed through the hotel floor.

“ELISE!” Chris’s voice called out. “Wait! STOP!”

Dan raised an index finger. “Also… she’s possibly dead.”

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 160 Chris Vs. Firearms

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 160 Chris Vs. Firearms

-o~Just a few minutes earlier… again ~o-

“Thanks, Adagio!” Aria said excitedly as she quickly pulled both swords out, one in each hand. She turned and began running back down the hallway she just came from.

“STOP EXPLODING THINGS!” Adagio demanded.

“WASN’T ME!” Aria replied. She continued her run, sure that her opponent had probably found a staircase by now and made it up to her floor. She quickly made her way around the gentle bend in the center of the hotel and was greeted by the site of her maroon-haired opponent still wielding her own ninjatō.

“YOU!” Elise cried angrily.

“ME!” Aria replied excitedly as she sprinted forward.

Both women charged at one another with reckless abandon. Elise raised her weapon high overhead with both hands while Aria raised her right ninjatō over her head as she kept her left sword down by her side pointed forward. Both women swung their swords downwards as they entered striking range. The blades collided with a loud ‘CLANG!’, shooting of a small shower of sparks long before either was close to its mark.

Aria quickly thrust with her second sword, but Elise dodged to the right, raising her hilt up to her face and thrusting downwards towards Aria’s torso. Aria deflected with her left sword and swung her right towards Elise’s midsection.

Her own sword somewhat occupied, Elise leaned far back, just in time to watch a blur of steal pass inches from her face.

Aria let the momentum of the swing carry her into a spin as Elise raised herself. Aria positioned her blades to strike Elise’s neck and abdomen, but Elise quickly positioned her ninjatō to block, holding it downwards vertically as both Aria’s blades hit, causing another shower of sparks.

‘CLANG!’

“STOP SWINGING SO HARD!” Elise cried. “YOU’RE WRECKING THE BLADES!”

Aria blew a dismissive gust of air. “Pffft… Don’t block if you’re that upset about it!”

Elise took a step back, moving her sword in front of her. “Are you honestly suggesting I just let you slice me up?!”

Aria sung her right sword at Elise which the maroon-haired women deflected. Aria grinned. “You’re the one whining about your precious sword!” she said as she swung her left sword only to have Elise block again.

Aria pressed her attack swinging a sword than the other as Elise backed up, blocking each blow. More sparks flew from the weapons as Aria haphazardly attacked, simply aiming for Elise’s center of mass with each blow.

Elise grit her teeth. Aria’s attacks at this point were far from calculated, but the pop-star was simply attacking with enough speed and force that Elise couldn’t retaliate without taking a hit to the body.

‘CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!’

Elise clenched her teeth harder. Watching as Aria’s attacks wrecked a total of three swords was just too much to bear. She released her right hand from her sword and reached into her grey trousers. In a flash of movement and a ‘Shing!’ of metal being pulled from leather, Elise thrust a machete forward towards Aria’s abdomen.

“Whoa! HEY!” Aria cried in surprise as she narrowly avoided the point of the blade by pivoting her body. The cleaver like weapon slid throughAria’s white blouse on its way to shallowly cut her flesh. Aria took one more wide frantic swing at Elise as she backed off.

‘Shilcht!’

“OW! Dang it!” Elise cried as Aria’s wild swing caught her in the left shoulder, slicing it deeply.

The two girls took a couple more steps away from each other, huffing and puffing as blood from their fresh wounds added large red stains to their already torn and stained clothes.

Elise raised the machete in her right hand and ignored the pain in her left as she raised her ninjatō as well. “Are we going to do this the hard way?” she inquired of the purple haired, bleeding woman in front of her.

Aria’s eye twitched and her teeth gritted. She tightened her grip on her swords,

The two women had a tense stare dow—

‘SLAM!’

“HEY!”

The two fighters jumped slightly as a hotel door between them slammed open revealing a young irate girl. She wore a shiny gold-colored coat over a black shirt, boots that matched her coat, a short white skirt, leggings that ended at her knees, a necklace with a purple gem and matching earrings. The girl brushed wavy lavender and white hair held in a ponytail from her face as she held aloft a smartphone. “You! Hotel worker girl!” she said as she stared at Elise. “Why the heck can’t I get internet?!”

The two bleeding women lowered their swords and stared the cause of their interruption in annoyed confusion for a second.

“I’m a bit busy!” Elise cried as she pointed at Aria with her machete.

The girl rolled her eyes. “You can have your stupid sword fight later! I’m trying to figure out why my high-speed stopped working so I can blog about this! The hotel’s stupid wi-fi is down, too!”

Aria sighed heavily and slumped her shoulders allowing her swords to stab into the, now blood splattered, carpet below. She shook her head, “Man, this town is full of some real wackos!”

Elise narrowed her eyes. “Look, just go ask someone else!”

The girl sneered at Elise. “Fine! But I’m telling the owner about this! He’s friends with my dad!”

“I don’t care!” Elise cried.

The girl grumbled to herself as she stormed off.

“Some people…” Elise uttered.

“I know, right?” Aria said in agreement.

The two women turned and stared at each other for a brief moment.

“…”

“…”

In a heartbeat, both women’s weapons were raised in front of them as they charged once more.

‘CLANG!’

All four blades crisscrossed as they were slammed against each other. The girls both pressed their weight into their swords, sending sparks in all directions as metal ground against metal. The women shifted their weight, moving side to side and back and forth as they searched for a favorable position over the other. The swords went one way than the other, stabbing into the hotel walls and doors as each woman attempted to overpower her opponent.

Soon, both women were swinging their blades at each other once more. Metal hitting metal hard as they inflicted the odd superficial cut on one another.

‘CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CRUNCH!’

The unfamiliar noise caused both women to take a few steps from each other. Aria examined her blades finding that one of her swords had suddenly been shorted by most it’s length, the rest now lying in a chipped mess on the hotel floor.

“HA!” Elise cried. “I told you! You should go easier on—”

Aria let go of the damaged weapon and gripped her other sword in both hands. She lunged and swung the blade with all her might. Elise reflexively raised both her swords to block. Unexpectedly, Aria’s weapon hit its target, her remaining ninjatō striking Elise’s at full strength.

‘CRUNCH!’

Elise took a step back as a full half of her ninjatō blade fell to the floor.

“HA!” Aria cried. “Now we’re even!”

“I HAD THAT SWORD SINCE I WAS 14!” Elise shrieked.

Aria rolled her eyes. “Oh, just get the blade replaced! Stop being such a baby.”

Elise gritted her teeth and reached into her trousers, pulling out a small, rectangular-shaped pistol as she dropped her machete.

“Hey!” Aria’s called out as she dropped her own sword and reached down to her belt buckle. “What the HELL lady!”

Elise took quick aim.

Aria pressed down on one of the corners of her star belt, causing a red mist to fire out in Elise’s direction.

“Ghah!” Elise cried as she backed up and shifted her position to avoid getting hit by the, no doubt flammable, mist.

Aria pressed a different side of the star and a small jet of flame fired out that ignited the mist that now hung between the two women.

‘PHWOOSH!’

Elise backed up further, averted her eyes, and opened fire.

‘CLACK! CLACK! CLACK!’

Aria dove as Elise fired wildly at the pop-star.

 “ELISE!” Chris’s voice called out. “Wait! STOP!”

Elise turned around to see Chris with his hands raised in the air, still wearing his ill-fitting bellhop uniform, standing in front of Aria who was now picking herself off the floor.

“Out of the way, Chris!” Elise cried as she moved her gun back and forth, trying to get a bead on Aria.

Chris shot Elise a pleading look. “Elise, I think you may be over reacting a bit here.”

Elise narrowed her eyes. “She almost set me on fire! … Twice!”

Chris sighed. “I think this whole thing between you two has escalated way too far, and—”

‘Click.’

Chris’s eyes widened as he heard a click from behind his head. He kept his arms locked in the air as he frowned heavily and shot Elise a worried look. “There’s a gun pointed at the back of my head, isn’t there?”

Elise sighed heavily as she kept her pistol pointed forward. “Yeeeeaaah...”

Aria spoke up from behind Chris, “If it makes you feel any better, it’s a pretty low caliber.”

Chris’s left eye twitched. “Why does that matter? It’s still pointed at the back of my skull.”

“Uh, the exit wound wouldn’t be so bad that a mortician wouldn’t be able to cover it back up?”

Chris’s already frightened expression only worsened. “Yeah, that doesn’t make me feel better at all.”

“Here’s an idea!” Elise said. “Why don’t you just put your gun down and let my husband go?”

“Oh! Better idea!” Aria said. “Why don’t you put your gun down and go screw yourself with your sword?”

Elise tried to shot a death glare past Chris to the woman pointing a gun at the back of his head. “I said, ‘PUT THE GUN DOWN!’”

“OR WHAT?! YOU’RE GOING TO SHOOT YOUR HUSBAND?!”

“IF HE GETS HURT YOU’RE DEAD! DO YOU HEAR ME?!”

“THEN YOU PUT YOUR GUN DOWN!”

“WHY?! SO YOU COULD SHOOT CHRIS WITHOUT FEAR OF GETTING SHOT YOURSELF?!”

“WHY WOULD I SHOT THIS GUY?!”

“YOU HAVE A GUN POINTED AT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD! YOU TELL ME!”

“I ONLY HAVE A GUN POINTED AT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD, ‘CAUSE YOU PULLED A GUN ON ME FIRST! WHY DO YOU HAVE GUN POINTED AT YOUR HUSBAND?!”

“IT’S NOT POINTED AT HIM! IT’S POINTED AT YOU! YOU’RE JUST IN FRONT OF HIM!”

“LADIES!” Chris cried in a pleading tone. “Please stop yelling at each other! You’re just a few yards away and I’m right between you two!”

“Sorry Chris,” Elise said.

“Yeah, sorry dude. Nothing personal. I just don’t want to get shot.”

“Can’t you two resolve this without violence?”

“…”

“…”

Aria shook her head. “No, sorry. I don’t think so.”

Elise nodded in agreement with Aria. “Yeah, sorry Chris. She and I have unfinished business.”

“Hey! I know what we can do!” Aria said. “If you don’t want him to get hurt, your husband you force to dress in this stupid small bellhop uniform can just duck!”

“I KEEP TELLING YOU, I DIDN’T FORCE HIM TO DRESS LIKE THIS!”

“HONEY!” Chris cried.

“Sorry,” Elise said. “As I said, I didn’t force him to dress like that,” she said calmly. She focused her attention on Chris. “Better?”

Chris nodded. “Better. Also, I’m not doing it.”

“What?! Come on, dude!” Aria said. “I’ll sign something for you in your wife’s blood! Hell I can even sign it in my blood! There’s plenty all over the walls and floor at this point.”

Chris shook his head. “If I duck, you’ll both just shoot each other in the chest or face! Besides, I thought you didn’t want to get shot.”

“… Good point,” Aria said.

Elise frowned. “And it’s not likely either of us are going to miss at this range.”

“Well… what then?” Aria asked.

Chris spoke up, “I vote everyone put their guns down before the police show up. One of the guests on this floor must have got through to them at this point.”

Elise shook her head. “Not likely, there’s no one at the front desk and I cut all the outside lines and hotel internet shortly after we entered the hotel.”

“Okay, but—”

Elise pulled her lips and her eyes to the left as she gave a slightly embarrassed look. “Aaaaaand I might have setup up a device that blacks cell internet and also intercepts nearby cell phone calls and redirects them to a long distance number…”

Chris frowned. “How far away?”

<-ooo->

“♫ In an Island in the sun~”

A tanned woman with freckles and long brown hair, wearing an orange bikini sighed heavily as clear blue ocean waves gently caressed the beach she was sitting on.

“♫ We’ll be playing and having fun~”

She reached out for a smartphone sitting on a small square wicker table next to her beach chair.

“♫ And it makes me feel so—”

She glanced at the screen, frowned heavily, and pressed the screen. She brought the phone up to hear ear. “Uh, like, Mrs. Burger speaking.”

“Hello?!” a man’s voice replied. “There’s… two women fighting outside my hotel room with swords, and there was an explosion earlier, and I think I just heard gunfire, and—”

One of the woman’s eyes twitched. “Just shut up! How’d you even get this number?!”

“… You mean ‘9-1-1’? It’s not really secret or anything, I mean… I think lots of people know it. I figured lots of people must have called, but the police are taking so long, and—”

“Lots of people have called!!” The woman snapped. “I’m on an island, like, out in the middle of the ocean! How are you all getting through to my phone?!”

There was a beat of silence on the other line.

“… Why are all the police on an island? Are the all on vacation?”

“THIS ISN’T 9-1-1!”

“… Do you have their number, then?”

“GHA!” the woman cried as she pulled her phone away from her face and stabbed at the screen with a finger. She began to place the phone back on the table.

“♫ In an Island in the—”

“GrrrrrrRRRRR!” The woman quickly hit the ‘answer’ button on the screen and pulled the phone up to her ear. “WHAT?!” she said in a demanding tone.

A young girl’s voice answered this time. “Hey! There’s like… girls fighting with swords here and also like… an explosion? Also maybe gunfire? Are they shooting a movie? Also… Is that why our internet isn’t working? My friend went out to yell at the girls, but then I think she went to the front desk, but that was like… two minutes ago, so I was wondering if—”

“RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” the woman in the orange bikini suddenly hurled the phone into the gently rolling waves in front of her.

‘Plop!’

She let out an annoyed sigh as she collapsed back into her chair.

“More phone calls?” a masculine voice asked.

The woman leaned up as a smiling, balding overweight man in black swimming trunks walked up with a tray of burgers.

“Ugh… Yeah,” the woman said. “How do people even get that number?!”

The man simply lowered his tray so the woman could reach it, “Burger?”

The woman reached out for one. “Thanks, hun.” She gave the man a smile as she wrinkled her brow slightly. “Have you ever thought of eating something besides hamburgers?”

The man shook his head. “No, not ever.”

-ooo-<

“Far…” Elise answered.

Chris sighed and shook his head. “Oh, honey…”

“We went out with DAN AND PINKIE!” Elise cried. “How was I supposed to know we wouldn’t want the police to show up for a change!?”

“Chris!”

Chris titled his head to see Dan followed by Pinkie Pie, Sunset Shimmer, and Adagio Dazzle run down the hall.

“Just duck!” Dan continued. “They’ll just shoot each other and you’ll be fine!”

Chris narrowed his eyes as the group approached. “I’m trying to avoid that!” he replied.

“Oh?” Dan said. “Why?”

“Dan!” Pinkie said in a chastising tone. “No encouraging Chris to aid in mutual assured destruction of my best friend and one of my favorite music artists!”

Dan frowned. “Chris isn’t aiding in it! He’s an innocent bystander.”

“Hey!” Aria cried. “It was him who literally walked in between the two of us!”

Elise narrowed her eyes. “I’m not sure how that’s relevant.”

“No, she’s right,” Chris said. “This is partially my fault.”

Sunset raised her hand. “I vote for the ducking and the shooting each other.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes pulled back her fist, and punched Sunset hard in the arm.

‘Pow!’

“OW!” Sunset cried as she moved a hand over to rub her arm. “Hey! Your boyfriend suggested it first!”

“Yeah, but I like him!” Pinkie retorted.

Sunset frowned. “Right. Fair enough.”

Adagio sighed heavily. “Aria, this has gone far enough, this floor is already covered in blood and holes, plus it’s really going to screw up our concert schedule if you kill someone or die.”

“Hey!” Aria protested. “She pulled a gun on me first and tried to explode me with a pen!”

Adagio gave Aria a confused look. “… Okay… just going to push past that last part. How many times did you try to set her on fire?”

“Okay, I can see where you’re going with this, and—”

“Just answer the question!”

“Twice!” Aria answered. “But one of those was after she pulled a gun on me!”

Adagio sighed, turned and began to trudge back to the hotel room. “Ugh… this is getting us nowhere…”

Sunset watched as Adagio walked away then refocused her attention on the scene in front of her.

Dan narrowed his eyes slightly as he looked at Sunset and pointed behind him a thumb at Adagio. “I thought you needed to browbeat her or just plain beat her until she changes the concert date.”

Sunset shrugged. “Hey, if one of the Dazzlings gets shot, I’m pretty sure they’ll have to cancel anyways.”

Pinkie leaned sideways past Elise and looked at Aria, glancing at the small, snub-nosed gun in Aria’s hands. “Could you maybe stop pointing a gun at my friend, please?”

Aria furrowed her brow in irritation. “Can your friend’s wife put down the gun she’s holding?”

Pinkie pursed her lips and raised a pink nail-polished index finger to her chin. “I don’t know. Let me ask.” Pinkie leaned her body the other direction and looked at Elise. “Elise, can you put down your gun?”

“Not while she has a gun pointed at Chris!” Elise cried.

“Oh… Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully. She leaned her body back the other way and looked at Aria. “Elise says she can’t put down her gun while you have a gun pointed at Chris.”

“Well then my gun stays!” Aria said.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Goofball, both the girls are right here, they can hear what the other is saying.”

Pinkie turned and gave Dan a small smile. “I’m just trying to be proactive here.”

“… Do I get a vote?” Chris asked.

Dan narrowed his eyes at Chris. “You already said you’re not going to duck! I think your other option is ‘get shot’!”

“… Is there a third option?” Chris asked.

Dan shook his head. “Sorry Chris, you know it’s a two party system.”

“Dan, you hate the two party system.”

“Hey!” Dan protested. “That’s because neither political party will accept my proposal to annex Costa Rica and turn it to a penal colony for the elderly and children’s choir.”

Chris raised an eyebrow and looked at Pinkie.

Pinkie shrugged. “Dan’s trying to be more efficient with his revenge items.”

“I’m back!” Adagio announced as she walked back up to the group.

Sunset glanced at Adagio. “No one’s shot the other… unfortunately.”

“Oh, really?” Adagio answered sarcastically. “Good thing I have you here to tell me what I can plainly see.”

Sunset narrowed her eyes. “You do realize if you don’t willingly move your concert, plan ‘B’ is I simply render you unable to sing with violence, right?”

Dan stroked his chin. “That really should have been plan ‘A’.”

Adagio glanced at Sunset and rolled her eyes. “Right, like there’s even a world where something like that could happen.”

“Hey!” Pinkie said as she skipped up to Adagio. “Now that you’re back maybe you can help me get everyone to drop their guns!”

“Way ahead of you,” Adagio said as she pulled her arm out from between her back and long, curly hair, producing a massive silver gun with a long rectangular barrel which she pointed at Elise’s head. “Put the gun down, please.”

Elise’s eyes suddenly shot open wide.

The sides of Pinkie’s mouth plummeted like two planes that suddenly went into a nose dive.

Dan and Sunset simply watched with quiet interest.

“Elise!” Chris called out in alarm.

“It’s okay!” Elise said. “I have this all under control.”

“No you don’t,” Adagio said.

“… No I don’t.” Elise admitted.

Pinkie sighed and reached both her hands into her hair. “So this is going to escalate…”

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 162 Sunset Shimmer Vs. Hospital Visit

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 162 Sunset Shimmer Vs. Hospital Visit

-oooooo-

Elise’s eyes fluttered open as she heard the familiar tone of a rhythmic beep, though she sensed her position in the whole matter was a bit different than usual. “Uh… Wha… What?”

“Hey beautiful, glad you’re okay.”

Elise turned to see Chris’s smiling face.

Elise sat up. “Chris I—Whoa…” The room began spinning almost as soon as Elise was upright.

“Careful, honey,” Chris said as he quickly leaned over and gently placed hands on his wife’s shoulders, gently laying her back in bed and pulling her baby-blue covers over her hospital gown. “You lost alot of blood.”

Elise chuckled to herself as she soon founder herself horizontal again. “Let me guess, they found most of it?”

Chris smiled as he sat back down in his bleu chair with wooden armrests. “Heh. Well the doctors gave you a transfusion, so you should be fine, but you had quite a few cuts they needed to treat. You might have to stay here for at least a night.”

Elise sighed. “Well, I’ve had worse…” Elise looked about the room. Sadly, the inside of a hospital room had become rather common to her, though usually with her and Chris’s positions reversed. The room was sterilely white with a few blue chairs with wooden arm rests and a splash of blue paint just to add a little color. A small flat-screened TV hung on the wall in front of her next to a basic-looking wall clock.  Other random items like hand sanitizer dispenser and a shelf full of boxed rubber gloves

Elise casted a wayward glance at the door to her hospital room then lifted a hand. She motioned Chris to come closer with her index finger.

Chris leaned closer to his wife.

Elise nodded towards the door. “There’s not like… Police waiting outside to arrest me, is there?”

Chris glanced at the door then looked down at Elise. “Would you escape the hospital if there were?”

“I guess that depends what they’d charged me with.”

Chris smiled. “Aria is doing about as well as you, if that’s what you want to know.”

Elise gave Chris a serious look. “Assault with a deadly weapon is still a serious crime.”

Chris shook her head. “Don’t worry, Trixie distracted the police with a few magic tricks and I talked to the other Dazzlings. I had to take Sonata to Taco Islandfor a box of twelve tacos and McBonald’s so she could get a Blissful Meal with a toy, but she agreed to not press charges after that… Or more accurately, by then she had forgotten why she made me get her food in the first place.”

Elise smirked. “I take it you didn’t protest too much to getting fast food?”

Chris gave Elise a sheepish smile. “Well… I maybe have ordered a couple things for myself…”

Elise chuckled. “I see… What about the other one… uh…. Adagio…”

“She didn’t seem to care as much… But she did mention something to Pinkie about being owed a bottle of Champagne.” Chris frowned slightly. “I think she have tacked an expensive bottle of brandy on top of that for her troubles.”

“Huh,” Elise uttered simply. “Well at least things have calmed down finally.”

The hospital room door opened revealing Dan’s smiling face. “Hey Chris! Has your sandwich maker flat lined yet?”

Elise rolled her eyes and gave Dan a sour expression. “It’s nice to see you too, Dan.”

“Elise, you survived!” Dan exclaimed. “Pinkie will be thrilled.” Dan’s smiled dropped into a scowl. “Thanks for almost getting us all killed, by the way.”

Elise’s countenance curdled further as she looked away from Dan. “Look mistakes were made, weapons were drawn, and fires were started.” She turned back. “Pretty average day for me really.”

Dan grimaced. “Well, I think we all could have done without the guns.” He looked at Chris. “Right, Chris?”

“Hey,” Chris began, “I’m just happy everyone lived.”

“Predictable,” Dan said in a disappointed tone. “Well, turns out that dumb chick with the blue hair is just as crazy as Pinkie and they’re going to race wheelchairs.”

“Huh… Sounds safe enough,” Elise said.

Dan grinned. “Wheelchairs that we just attached homemade, or hospital made in this case, rockets to.”

Elise frowned. “I should have known.”

Chris’s expression soon matched Elise’s, “So you need help stopping them?”

There was a brief pause as Elise and Dan simple stared at Chris.

Dan spoke up, “Sooo anyway, you want to get in on this, Chris?” Dan asked.

“Uh… I’ll pass,” Chris said simply.

Dan shrugged. “Suit yourself,” He said before disappearing back into the Hospital hallway.

Chris turned to Elise and chuckled. “What was that you were saying about things calming down?”

Elise sighed. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Chris and Elise paused as they hear Dan’s voice through the open door. “1… 2… 3… Go!”

‘PCHOOOOO!’

Chris and Elise watched as a pink blur and a blue one whizzed by the open door trailing jets of flame which propelled the girls. Despite the roar of the mini-rockets, two high pitched “WHEEEEEEEEE!”s could clearly be heard until…

“HEY!” Dan’s voice called out. “Move it or lose it, pal!”

‘CRASH!’

“AAAAAAAHHHH!” A masculine voice cried.

Dan sighed as he ran past the open door. “Guess he picked ‘lose it’!”

Chris frowned. “I should go check on them.”

Elise nodded. “Good idea… We may still need to discreetly escape the hospital after all.”

Chris stood up and rushed to the door poking his head up and uttering an “Oh, dear…” at the sight in front of him. Dan was still rushing up to Pinkie and Sonata who had begun to dust themselves off. Past the girls on the black-and-white checkered linoleum floor laid a man with short blond hair wearing a blue hospital gown and the twisted, melted remains of two wheelchairs.

“Whoops! Sorry!” Pinkie offered the man. “The brakes sort of melted… as did most of the wheels.”

“Is everyone okay?” Dan asked.

The man moan in response.

Dan glared at the man. “No one is even talking to you!”

Sonata frowned as she looked at twisted wreck of the man, his limbs, and the wheelchairs. “I think I need a new rocket chair.”

Dan sighed. “It’s really my fault for not being specific.” He turned towards Pinkie. “Are you okay?”

Pinkie gave herself a thorough pat down, starting with her face and moving her hands downward until she reached her legs. “Nothing broken on me…”

“Uh, Dan?” Chris interrupted. “Should I go get help?”

“What for?” Dan replied. He motioned to Pinkie. “The only person involved that matters is fine.”

Chris sighed and shook his head. “Just try not to get thrown out of the hospital, okay?”

“No promises,” Dan replied as Chris disappeared back into Elise’s room.

“So who won?!” Sonata asked excitedly.

“Everyone but that guy!” Dan informed with a devilish grin as he pointed at the injured man.

“My baaaack…” The man moaned.

 “Don’t worry!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “We’re already at the hospital!”

“Yeah,” Dan chimed in. “As far as horrible spinal injuries go, you’re already in the right place to have one!”

“Who wants to play nurse?!” Sonata exclaimed excitedly.

Pinkie gasped. “I do! I do!” she said as she excitedly bounced up and down.

“I do not,” Dan said, “but I would like to watch you two.”

“Pa-please, no…” the injured man uttered.

“Hey, you don’t get a vote pal!” Dan shot back.

Pinkie looked down at the man in concern. “We should probably get a gurney if we’re going to move him.”

“Yeah!” Sonata agreed excitedly. “I mean… Old ladies probably have a lot of experience moving nearly dead people! They have to move themselves after all!”

Dan and Pinkie flashed a quick, confused glance.

“Not a granny, silly!” Pinkie said.

Dan gave Pinkie a small look of awe. “I’m impressed you even figured that out!”

Pinkie continued. “A gurney is like a stretcher on wheels.”

Sonata smiled wide. “You know what else has wheels? Those food cart-tray thingamabobs they had in the cafeteria.”

Dan and Pinkie once again gave Sonata a confused look.

Pinkie suddenly smiled wide. “Good enough for me! Let’s go!”

Sunset Shimmer watched the trio run by through past the open door of a hospital room as she sat in a cushioned blue chair with wooden armrests. Next to her in an identical chair, Adagio Dazzle raised a nearly full tear dropped shaped bottle of amber liquid to her lips. In one quick motion she tilted her back and the bottle, taking a large gulp.

Sunset Shimmer watched Adagio with a healthy mix of amazement and concern.

“Ah…” Adagio uttered as she lowered the bottle and gave it a fond look.

 “I’m surprised they let you just drink that in here,” Sunset said.

Adagio turned and shrugged. “You don’t get a lot of grief from people when you’re a celebrity.” She took another quick swig of her brandy. “Plus Sonata helped me figure out how I could hide stuff in my hair.” She held out the bottle for Sunset. “Want a hit?”

Sunset gave Adagio then the bottle a suspicious look.

Adagio simply flicked her wrist slightly, causing the bottle to jump up and down and the contents inside to slosh slightly.

Sunset reached out for the bottle, brought it to her lips, and took a small sip. “… Wow, that’s really good.”

Adagio nodded as Sunset passed the bottle back to her. “Your friend has good taste.”

“She’s not really my friend.” Sunset answered. “She once threatened my life with a chain-saw... Of course I was going to smash her legs with a police baton, so she can hardly be blamed for that.”

Adagio shrugged. “Sounds like a pretty standard friendship to me.” She turned forward in her chair.

Sunset did the same.

The two girls simply stared at Aria who laid on a hospital bed with an IV stuck into her arm. She was covered in a baby-blue hospital blanket and her pigtails had been undone so her purple hair spread out all over the pillow her head was resting on. Her chest gently raised in fell as a soft beep provided the only sound.

“So… happy?” Adagio asked.

“Hmmmm?”

“You got your wish!” Adagio turned and glared at Sunset. “The concert is moved!” Adagio glanced at Aria again then glared at Sunset. “You must be overjoyed.”

Sonata glanced at Aria and put on a thoughtful look before meeting Adagio’s accusing gaze. “Oh my gosh! I am just so happy! Over the moon, even!” Sunset said with a smile.

Adagio sighed heavily. “Yeah… Welll can’t blame you there… I’d be thrillled to in your cashe, too,” she replied her words starting to slur.

Sunset chuckled. “You didn’t really expect me to care about your crazy friend getting into a sword fight with that crazy maroon-haired girl, did you?”

Adagio shook her head then took another drink. Redness had begun to enter her cheeks and she started to sway slightly. “Not really… Anyhow shtuff like that happensss all the time.” She narrowed her eyes. “Gunsss pointed at my head and eshploding spheee... fearsss… round things pointed at my butt are pretty new though.”

“In my defense things were already out of hand before I got involved,” Sunset insisted. “Also, you pulled a gun before I did.”

Adagio’s expression turned thoughtful for a second. “Guessss it is sort of the fault of the two idiots who pulled gunsss fist… fish… to shtart with!”

“He-hey…” Aria said weakly from her bed. “Your crazy co-worker pulled a gun first.”

Sunset turned and furrowed her brow at Aria. “We don’t actually work for the hotel. We just knocked out the receptionist and put on their clothes because… uh… Actually I never figured out why we bothered to put on their clothes.”

Adagio responded by taking another big swig from her brandy bottle.

Aria wrinkled her nose as she shot Sunset a dirty look. “She still pulled a gun out first,” Aria grumbled.

Sunset shrugged. “Hey! I’m not denying the girl is crazy. Working with her wasn’t my first choice… In fact she just sort of tagged along…” Sunset paused and thought about this. “At first I thought someone like her would want to avoid getting caught up with people as unbalanced as Dan and Pinkie, but she seems to have her own issues…”

“WHEEEEEE!”

A high-pitched squeal of the delight caused the trio to glance out the door as Dan pushed a food cart full of wiggling, green gelatin cups. A wicked grin adorned his face as Pinkie and Sonata followed close behind. Pinkie wore a light-blue nurse’s outfit, and Sonata a light-pink one. The hearts and revealing nature of both outfits gave the impression that the outfits likely came from a costume shop rather than from the hospital itself.

Aria groaned. “I’m going back to unconsciousness.”

Adagio rolled her eyes. “Oh don’t be shuch a shour-pushy… sssuch a grump,” she said as she held up the bottle of brandy. “Here, have a drink.”

“Dagi, I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to drink while recovering from blood loss and being cut like a hundred times.”

Adagio shrugged. “You’re alsho not shupposhed to let chill… chile… kidsss out of your shight without adult shupervishion! But we let Shonata wander around all the time!” She sighed heavily. “And yet ssshe shtill comesss back every time.” Adagio took another swig from her bottle.

“AHHHHHH!”

The trio paused again, this time of a tortured male scream.

“Oh don’t be such a baby!” Dan exclaimed from outside. “You’re just stuck in a twisted mass of two half-melted wheelchairs! You’ll live! Probably!”

“Hammer,” Sonata called out.

“Hammer!” Pinkie said excitedly.

“Hammer,” Dan called out.

“Hammer!” Pinkie said excitedly.

“Hammer~,” Pinkie sang out.

“... Hammer!” Pinkie said excitedly.

The sound of a man sobbing heavily and metal pounding metal could be heard through the open hospital door.

Aria sighed and held out a hand. “On second thought, let me have a few chugs of that.”

Adagio held the bottle out and Aria stretched her arm, but about a foot of empty space stood between the bottle and Aria’s outstretched fingers.

“Dagi,” Aria said, “I think you’ll need to get up.”

“Eff that noishe! You get up!”

“I’m injured and there’s a thing stuck in my arm!”

“Allow me,” Sunset said as she stood up. She quickly took the bottle and produced a chrome hip flask from her jacket.

“Hey!” Aria protested as Sunset unscrewed the top of her flask. “That’s cheating”

“Don’t worry,” Sunset said a she slowly filled her flask with pinpoint accuracy.  “I’ll leave you both some. I just need something to celebrate with tomorrow.” She frowned. “I kind of drank most of what was at my apartment after I got the call about my show being canceled… My head has not been happy with me today…” she said as she slowly tipped the tear-drop bottle back upright and handed it to Aria.

Adagio chuckled. “Maybe there’lll be a bottle allll for yourshelf after your performanssse.”

Sunset gave Adagio a shocked look. “You… you actually want to see it?!”

Adagio shrugged. “Welll, it might be nicshe to shee shomeone ellshe perform for once and we’ve got nothing better to do tomorrow.”

Aria sighed. “I think recovering from a vicious sword fight counts as something, but you and Sonata might get mobbed if I’m not around to shoot any fans who recognize us some angry looks.” Aria took a few large swigs from the now mostly empty bottle.

Sunset gulped as she screwed her hip flask closed. “You’re all going to come?”

“Hahahahaaaa!” Adagio shook her head. “Don’t worrry, we know how to blend in when we want to. We’ll allsho keep Shonata on a leasssh.”

“… Literally?” Sunset asked in a hopeful tone.

Aria held out the bottle for Sunset. “We have a harness that’s shaped like a monkey… Sonata loves the dumb thing even if it means Adagio and I can keep her from running off.” Aria frowned as Sunset grabbed the bottle. “Plus she gets all coocoo if she thinks we ditched her. She actually welcomes us putting it on her if we’re going out in public.”

Sunset passed the bottle to Adagio. “‘Coocoo’? Do I even want to know?”

Adagio shook her head. “Let’s jusht say Sonata is banned from a number of super markets and toy stores all around the country. Even if you agree to pay for stuff, they don’t like people coming in, trying to start action figure rebellions, burning down entire aisles, and setting off the sprinkler systems.”

Sunset whimpered.

“Don’t worrry!” Adagio said. “I’ll keep any fire shtarting mats.. materall… shtuff and anything that firesha projesh… prodouche… thing sout of reach of both theshe idiots.”

Aria glared at Adagio and mumbled a few obscenities under her breath.

Sunset breathed a sigh of relief. “Alright… er… I have a few spare tickets if you three need them.”

“Ish the ssshow shold out?” Adagio grinned knowingly.

Sunset hung her head. “No… Not even close…”

Adagio chuckled. “We’ll buy our own, thanksss.”

“Dan! Pinkie! Sonata!”

The girls paused and listened as Chris’s voice called out.

“I found more wheelchairs! Please leave the man alone!”

Pinkie gasped. “Chris! You found three chairs!”

Sonata squealed excitedly. “We can race our patient!”

“I don’t know,” Dan said. “He’s already got two wheelchairs already. A third really seems like an unfair advantage.”

“Sweet mother of mercy!” the male voice called out from the hallway. “Can’t any of you just get a real doctor?!”

Adagio took another swig from the now almost empty bottle of brandy.

Sunset frowned. “I’m gonna get a coffee and go before anyone needs me to testify as a witness to a murder.”

-ooooo-

Sunset walked out of the hospital, picking out Trixie as she performed her street tricks for an audience sitting on benches. The audience in question consisted of Dan, Pinkie and Sonata who still wore their ‘nurse’s’ outfits, and Gibson. Dan watched with a bored expression as the other three seemed transfixed by Trixie’s act.

“For this next trick, The Grrrrrreat and Powerful Trrrrixie requires a volunteer!”

“Ooo me!” Sonata said as she quickly got up. “Me! ME!”

Sunset watched as Sonata excitedly ran up to Trixie. The magician raised her hand to Sonata’s ear, said “Abracadabra!”, and revealed her palm to the excited looking woman.

“Oh my gosh!” Sonata exclaimed. “A quarter! You can make unlimited money!”

“Amazing!” Gibson cried.

“Eh,” Pinkie said as she swatted at the air dismissively. “That’s not such a big deal.”

Dan cupped his hands around his mouth. “Lame!” he called out.

Trixie turned to glare at Dan. “Trixie is running out of tricks, alright?! She’s just waiting for—”

Sunset cleared her throat.

Trixie turned and motioned towards Sunset. “Her ride.”

“What are you all doing out here anyway?” Sunset asked.

Trixie scowled at Sunset. “I had to distract the police, remember!”

Gibson smiled and stood. “And I had to help her!”

Trixie cocked an eyebrow at Gibson. “You didn’t help so much as sit in the audience and shout encouragements.” Trixie pursed her lips slightly. “Which was nice, so thank you.”

Gibson lifted a pair of pink panties with purple heart on the front. “And I got a nice souvenir!”

“GIVE TRIXIE THOSE!” Trixie cried as she snatched the panties from Gibson. She inspected them carefully. “… These aren’t Trixie’s.”

“Oh, hey!” Sonata exclaimed as she leaned her head over and examined the article of clothing. “I was wondering why it got drafty halfway through your performance.”

Trixie handed the panties to Sonata as she shot Gibson a glare that seemed like it could melt steel beams.

Gibson put his hands up defensively. “What?! You’re the one who pulled them out of thin air with magic and threw them into the audience!”

Trixie blushed slightly. “Trixie forgets herself when Trixie performs…”

“Ooookaay…” Sunset uttered. “Well what are the rest of you doing here?!”

Pinkie smiled. “We all got kicked out of the hospital!”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, something about being a public nuisance and too many scorch marks on the walls.”

Sonata giggled to herself as she slipped her panties back on under her nurse’s mini-skirt. “You’d think they’d want us to stay with all the business we gave them!”

“That’s what I said!” Dan exclaimed said as he stood up off the bench. Pinkie followed.

“Sshonata!”

The group turned to see Adagio leaning against the automatic sliding door of the hospital, barely keeping herself upright as she held an empty bottle in one hand.

Adagio continued. “Aria’s ssis too weak to fffight back! I’fe ben hitding her with hwer wone hans for like… tha lasht fiffe minutess!”

Sonata’s eyes widened. “I am sooo there!” she began running off towards the hospital but stopped as something occurred to her. She turned and waved. “Bye Mr. Shouty! Bye Gibson! Bye Pinkie Pie! Bye Hixie! We’ll all play again sometime, okay?”

Trixie groaned.

Gibson took a quick, slightly worried glance at Trixie and gave Sonata a small wave.

Pinkie grinned wide and waved back. “Bye-bye! See you later!”

“Come ooon!” Adagio said. “I wanna harrash…hard-a… annoy Aria sh’more than find a hot doctor or nwurse to corner!”

“Coming!” Sonata called out as she continued running up to Adagio.

Adagio turned and stumbled back inside as Sonata came up beside her.

“Hehe, Adagio you’re walking funny!” Sonata said as the automatic door closed behind the pair.

Dan watched the girls go then turned to scowl up at Sunset.

Sunset looked down at Dan in confusion. “… What?”

“Well?” Dan asked expectantly.

“Well what?!” Sunset snapped in irritation.

“Aren’t you going to thank us?!” Dan exclaimed as he flung his hands out to his sides. “You get to have your lame ice theater thing!”

Sunset frowned at Dan. “You know you guys didn’t really do anything constructive. The problem had resolved itself before any of us got involved. All any of you did was knock out a bunch of innocent people and escalate a situation until nearly everyone had guns pointed and drawn at each other.”

Dan folded his arms across his chest. “You and I have very different definitions of the word ‘constructive’.” He scrunched his lips to the left for a moment in a thoughtful expression. “Though I could have done without the guns. That was a new one for me.”

Pinkie smiled and raised an index finger. “The important thing is we all learned a valuable lesson.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “You really think Elise won’t get mad enough to start shooting at someone again in the future?”

Pinkie maintained her smile, but paused as she opted to simply blink a few times. “The import thing is we all experienced something that maybe someone learned something about… possibly.”

Sunset shook her head. “Honestly, I don’t see why I owe you two anything,” she said simply.

Dan narrowed his eyes and gritted his teeth, “Why you little ketchup-and-mustard drenched—”

“HAH!”  Trixie cried derisively, cutting off Dan. She gave Sunset a knowing look.  “Without anyone else around, you would have showed up at the hotel, punched Adagio Dazzle in the face, and gotten arrested… Assuming she took mercy on you and didn’t give you to Aria first.”

Dan paused and simply stared at Trixie for a moment.

Sunset sighed heavily and hung her head. “I would have punched Adagio Dazzle in the face and gotten arrested or thrashed…” she admitted. She looked back up at Dan and Pinkie with a reluctant look on her face. “Thanks. Somehow everything worked out and you two maybe had something to do with it.”

Pinkie smiled. “You’re welcome!”

Dan simple shrugged. “Eh, it’s what we do.”

Sunset cocked an eyebrow. “Knocking people unconscious, stealing their clothes, and getting into armed conflicts is what you do?”

“Well… not every day,” Dan admitted.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Sometimes it’s just one or two of those things!”

Sunset chuckled. “Whatever…” She turned to Trixie. “Here, Trixie.” Sunset said as she handed Trixie a few slips of paper. Give one of these to Flash and tell him ‘I’m sorry’, alright?”

Trixie chuckled. “The great Sunset Shimmer is actually apologizing for something?”

“Well… insulting him and telling his girlfriend to dump him while he was in the same room wasn’t exactly cool, you know.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Trixie agreed. “What about Twilight?”

Pinkie’s eyes widened in interest. “Twi… Twilight?”

Sunset sighed, pulled out a small handkerchief from her jacket, and ran it under her left eye, whipping away makeup and revealing a purple bruise. “Tell her that if I see her after my performance, I probably won’t punch her.”

Trixie cocked an eyebrow. “I’ll tell her, but punching you once in the face is nothing compared to what you’ve put her through.”

“I said ‘probably won’t’, didn’t I?!” Sunset put the handkerchief back in her jacket and pulled out two more tickets. She turned to Dan and handed them to him. “Here… Please wait until after my performance to do anything crazy.”

“Ugh… Ice skating…” Dan said as he pulled a disgusted face. “Thanks, but please stick the tickets up your a—”

Pinkie quickly grabbed the tickets. “We’ll be there,” she said cheerfully.

Dan frowned heavily. “We will?”

Pinkie nodded. “Yep! And we’ll be on our best behavior.”

Dan shot Pinkie an irritated glance. “Why are we being punished for helping this woman?!”

“Oh don’t be such whiner,” Sunset said. She motioned off towards the parking lot. “Here, I’ll drop everyone off.”

“Sweet!” Dan exclaimed. “And here I thought we’d have to take public transit!”

Trixie chuckled as the group began walking past cars. “You know when Sunset says that, she means ‘hijack a bus’.”

Dan paused. “Wait… It means something else, too?”

-ooooo-

‘Knock, knock.’

Helen watched as woman with a dark complexion knocked on a hotel door. She wore a gray-blue uniform with a white collar that matched Helens.

“Housekeeping!” the woman said. She turned to Helen. “So… You were a waitress before this?”

Helen nodded. “Yes, but it was a little too crazy. Hotel work seemed a like a nice change of pace.”

The woman smiled and nodded. “Well, aside from the occasional huge mess, it’s pretty quiet.” She knocked again.

There was no answer.

The woman inserted a keycard into a device on the door and opened it. Both women peered inside to the messy but deserted hotel room.

“Empty again,” Helen mused. “Is that usual?”

The other woman shook her head. “No, but it makes our job easier. Why don’t you check the next one?”

“Sure,” Helen said as she walked over to the next door and knocked. “Housekeeping!” she called out.

To her surprise there finally was a noise on the other end, something which sounded like a chorus of muffled cries. She quickly pulled out a keycard and unlocked the door. Helen opened it revealing a room full of half-naked people of all ages, genders, and races all tied up and gagged, staring up at her with a look of hope and relief… All except a young girl with light-purple hair with a white stripe through it. The girl gave Helen an annoyed look as she simply expected her to help.

Helen sighed, did an about face, and walked away. “Forget it. I’m going back to being a waitress.”

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Epilogue

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Epilogue

-oooooo-

Dan sighed heavily and grit his teeth as he attempted to tune out the constant noise coming from the left of him as he sat in a hard plastic seat. It was bad enough that he quickly found ice theater near incomprehensible after he promised not to destroy the rink or attack the performers during the performance. No… On top of that, he also had to deal with the near constant chatter of his girlfriend attempting to explain the most rudimentary of concepts to someone over and over again.

Dan glanced at Pinkie who once again decided a new look was in order. She wore a longsleeved pink shirt which left her shoulders and collarbone exposed with her cutie mark on the front and yellow stripes on the arms. Below that was a pink-and-blue vertically striped skirt that went down to her knees.

How many times does she have to explain this?! How hard is it to understand that Pinkie is just the alternate dimension version of some person who lives here with the same physical attributes, except thisPinkie comes from a world where Equines are the dominant species living in a world full of magic and that she was transformed from a pink pony to a much less pink human when she shifted dimensions! Geez, does this moron need a flowchart or something?!

Dan leaned forward past Pinkie Pie to scowl at his world’s version of someone who was clearly Twilight Sparkle, if Twilight went through some sort of crazy spiked hair, rebellious teenage phase as an adult. And what’s up with that goofy spiked hair and combover?! What’s up with all the piercings, the spiked collar and bracelets, the torn skull shirt, that short flannel skirt, studded belt, SECOND pink belt, fishnet stockings,  knee-high black-and-white striped socks that go up to her knees, and shin-high combat boots?! AND WHY DO I THINK IT ALL LOOKS GOOD ON HER!?

“So let me get this straight…” Twilight said as Pinkie finished explaining the situation once again. “You’re Pinkie Pie, but not the Pinkie Pie I know.”

Pinkie nodded her head. “Mmmmhmmm!”

“You’re not from around here,” Twilight continued.

“That’s right!”

“You’re from another dimension.”

“Correctomundo!” Pinkie confirmed.

“A dimension where you’re a pony.”

“Right again!” Pinkie exclaimed. She turned around to face Dan. “She’s gooood!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes… She has the amazing ability to repeat things she was told over and over again. How bonkers.”

Twilight suddenly turned to her left and leaned forward, looking past Flash Sentry to shoot Trixie an accusing glare. “Trixie! Why didn’t you or Sunset tell me about this other Pinkie?!”

Trixie shot Twilight a bored look. “Sunset and I don’t even remember your other friend’s stupid names… We refer to them as ‘Apple girl’, ‘Rainbow girl’, ‘that girl that won’t shut up about dresses and stuff’, ‘the quiet one’, and ‘pink girl’.”

Dan’s expression softened slightly. “Ah, pink girl… that brings me back…” he uttered wistfully.

Twilight gritted her teeth. “You’re halfway there on three of their names! Also it’d be shorter to refer to the other two by name instead of the vague descriptions you two came up with!”

Trixie frowned. “Yeah well… You look like you just fused with a Hot Topic employee!”

“I didn’t dress myself like this!” Twilight cried as she motioned to her outfit. “Rarity treated me to a hair treatment at a spa and then she—”

Trixie frowned. “Wait, which one is that?”

“Ugh… ‘That girl that won’t shut up about dresses and stuff’.”

Trixie nodded. “Right, so Rarara is the one who dressed you up like that…”

Twilight let out defeated sigh as she seemed to attempt staring up at her forehead before turning back to face Trixie. “She insisted my normal ‘frumpy librarian’ look didn’t suit my new hairstyle and dragged me off for a makeover! Everything happened so fast it’s all a blur. A weird, painful blur.” Twilight said as reached up to her two new eyebrow piercings with her right arm. She suddenly noticed the massive pink star design surrounded by calligraphy that covered just about her entire forearm.  She cringed. “Reallly hoping this isn’t permanent.”

“Hey, I think you look great!” Flash said with a smile.

Twilight turned and smiled at the man sitting next to her. “Thanks Flash!”

“I think it looks great to!” Gibson chimed in as he leaned past Trixie and Flash. “Especially the neck tats.”

Twilight’s eyes widened as raised a hand to her neck. “I have neck tattoos?!”

Dan shot Twilight an irritated look. “How can you not notice getting tattoos all over your arm and neck!?”

Twilight let out an annoyed sigh as she stared up into her eyelids.

-oooo-<

Twilight let out an annoyed sigh as she stared up into her eyelids, pushing a clear glass door in front of her as she stepped out into a bright sunlight lit day.  She was quickly followed by a woman with shoulder-length purple hair, parted to the woman’s’ right that ended one in two large curls which hovered over the woman’s shoulder.

“But darling,” the woman said in a pleading tone, “you simply must change your look if you’re going to walk around with such an eye-catching hairstyle!”

A soft breeze caused two palm trees which flanked the women to sway ever so slightly. Unfortunately for Twilight, it also blew her new top-heavy hairstyle right down into her eyes and over the purple framed glasses that sat perched on her nose.  “Rarity, I don’t know if I even want to keep this hairstyle!” Twilight said as she lightly used her fingers to lift her hair back into position.”

“But Twilight, you’ve kept the same ‘frumpy librarian’ look for so long!” Rarity insisted. “Why not at least try something new? Trust me, darling! It’ll change your whole world!”

Twilight shifted her annoyed look downward to the black vest over the purple tie and gray buttoned up shirt she wore. Under that, a long, loose fighting purple skirt danced slightly in the breeze, and under that sat a pair of grey socks and large black shoes. Well… This is a bit much for if it gets hot outside. Twilight felt herself began to perspire as she continued to stand in the hot sun. Like right now for instance.

Twilight stared briefly at what Rarity was wearing. In sharp contrast to Twilight, Rarity simply wore a light-blue buttoned up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, light gray mini-skirt, and light grey high-heels.

I have to admit… Rarity does know how to throw together a simple if stylish and pragmatic look. Still… Twilight narrowed her eyes slightly. “The last time I trusted you I ended up in a magazine with my panties on display! The least you could have done was tell me to pull my sweater dress down!”

Rarity tittered nervously. “But dearie, I sold ever so many full sets of clothing with that particular look, and the more clothes you show off the more I can add to an ensemble!”

Twilight narrowed her eyes further. “Okay, but showing off my panties?! Even I have limits, Rarity!”

Rarity gently placed a hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “But I gave you 50% of the profits for that line and I made so much! You were able to put a down payment on that cute little house you like so much.”

Twilight frowned heavily and stared at Rarity. “… Alright.”

Rarity’s face lit up.

“But no publishing pictures with my panties exposed!” Twilight said sternly.

Rarity pursed her lips for a moment. “Hmmm… But what if—”

“RARITY!”

“Alright dearie, I promise.” Rarity said as she took her hand off Twilight’s shoulder and held it with the fingers pointing upwards and the thumb crossed in front of it like she was giving an oath. “I will not publish anything with your undergarments on display.”

Twilight nodded. “Good.” She frowned again as the simple gesture caused her hair to fall back down into her eyes.

Before Twilight could fix her hair, Rarity grinned wide and grabbed her arm. “Alright, dear! Let’s get to the boutique!”

“Gha!” Twilight cried as she found herself being yanked down the sidewalk. “Okay, but I don’t have all day! I have a date with Flash later and we’re going to see a skating show that hopefully doesn’t end with me getting punched in the face!”

Rarity tittered again to herself. “Believe me darling. By the time I’m done making you look scary, no one would dare dream of laying an angry fist on your face.”

“… That statement does not fill me with confidence.”

Soon Twilight found herself standing in front of a full-length, golden framed mirror and next to a wooden chair as Rarity fussed over her clothing, swapping in and out different articles with a speed most couldn’t accomplish dressing themselves, let alone another person. Twilight almost couldn’t believe what she was wearing. The ripped t-shirt, mini-skirt, fishnet stockings, and nearly knee high boots were all things she’d never dream of picking out for herself. Not to mention the studded leather belt that hung loosely from her waist.

“Oh yes, darling!” Rarity said as she walked behind Twilight. “I think we’re onto something this time.”

Twilight sighed. “If you say so! I can’t tell one outfit from the other at this point!” She looked down as Rarity fastened something around her waist. “Wait… another belt? I already have one and it does—”

Rarity was up and rummaging through a tray of small items before Twilight could finish her sentence.

“Twilight?” Rarity said. “I need you to sit down.”

“Oh, okay,” Twilight said as she sat down on the wooden chair.

Just as quickly, Rarity came back and clipped a couple of long, flat items to Twilight’s eyebrow.

“Wait… What are you doing now?” Twilight asked as she looked up at Rarity. “What are these things you’re putting on my eyebrow.”

“They’re just clips, darling,” Rarity informed as she walked back over to the tray, grabbed something, and came back, leaning over Twilight. “Close your eyes, dear.”

Twilight complied. “Why would—OW!” Twilight felt a brief, sharp pinch on her eyebrow. “What the heck was that?!”

“Oh that? Just a large pin that I shoved through your eyebrow for the ring.”

“WHAT?!” Twilight’s eyes flew open.

“I really need you to keep your eyes closed, dear.”

Twilight closed her eyes. “I just thought you just wanted to change my clo—OW!” She felt another pinch in her eyebrows. “Sonofabit—”

“Dear, you really should stop squirming if I’m going to get the full effect of your new look down.”

-ooooo-<

“Rarity works fast, okay?” Twilight replied to Dan.

“I think they look cool!” Pinkie piped up as she looked at colorful art that had been applied to Twilight’s skin. She pinched either side of her chest and held out her shirt slightly.   “I’m thinking of getting my cutie mark tattooed on my flank. I kind of miss it, you know?”

Twilight gave Pinkie a blank stare. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Dan sighed. “It’s a stupid magic horse thing.” He turned to Pinkie. “You know to get a tattoo they’d have to stab you in the butt with a needle like a thousand times, right?”

Pinkie’s eyes widened as her pupils shrank to tiny dots falling into the endless expanse of her sky blue irises. Somehow she managed to maintain her smile even as her lips began to twitch slightly. She swallowed and let go of her shirt. “Maybe wearing my cutie mark isn’t so bad.”

“I agree with Pinkie,” Gibson piped up. “They really pull together the whole punk look you have going on.”

Trixie gave Gibson a small scowl and elbowed him. “Don’t encourage Twilight’s horrible new look! She’s supposed to look soft and inviting and not have spikey bits that might hurt if Trixie or Sunset fall on top of her from great heights!”

Twilight let out a heavy sigh once more

“Will all of you just shut up?!” Dan exclaimed. “I’m trying to watch this!” He cried as he motioned out to the group of skaters on the ice, all of them wearing white leotards and skating around two metal skeletal frames of six foot tall pyramid shaped items that had been placed on the ice. One group of skaters held up translucent purple sheets as they circled their own pyramid and the other group held up solid gray sheets as they skated around the other.

Pinkie turned to look at Dan. “I thought you hated ice-skating?”

“I do! Even more so now that I’m here!” Dan gritted his teeth. “But I’m trying to figure out all the symbolism behind this ridiculous jumping twirling, and holding up construction paper, and you all going on and on about bizarre punk rock fashion and other dimension garbage is distracting enough!”

Twilight leaned over and looked at Dan in disbelief. “You think proof of other dimensions is garbage?!”

Dan sighed. “Every dimension I’ve seen or have been to was horrible without exception!” He gave Twilight a serious look. “You should just concentrate on the dimension you live in and make the most of it.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Sunset Shimmer and Trixie are some of my best friends in this dimension,” she said in an annoyed tone. “How am I supposed to make the most of that?!”

“Hey!” Dan protested. “I didn’t say you should just lay down even if your life sucks, which yours clearly does! Sometimes ‘making the most of it’ means getting rid of the people you hate the most!”

Twilight shot Dan a slightly befuddled look. “So you’re saying I should stop hanging out with Trixie and Sunset Shimmer?”

Dan shrugged. “Or kill them. Whatever!”

“Dan!” Pinkie said in a chastising tone. “Stop encouraging people to deal with their problems with murder!”

Dan turned to Pinkie and frowned. “But it’s so quick and efficient!”

Trixie frowned heavily. “Trixie is literally right here, you know!”

Gibson scooted closer to Trixie and put an arms around her. “Hey, I still think you’re great.”

Trixie look at Gibson and smiled. “You’re sweet, but Sunset and I need Twilight to land on if we’re falling, and also make her pay for our meals when we go out, and do our laundry and stuff. We really need her to stick around, look timid and unassuming, and also not murder us.”

Twilight sighed heavily. “I don’t know why I hang out with you two…”

And hand reached out and grasped Twilight’s, giving it a squeeze. She turned to looking into the smiling face of Flash Sentry. “Hey, things aren’t all bad,” Flash said. “You’ve got me.”

Twilight’s cheeks turned slightly pink as she returned the squeeze. “Well… I can’t argue with that.”

“See!” Dan said. “Someone to help you bury bodies! Things are looking up!”

Twilight let out a heavy, “Uhhggg!” and stood up. She turned and faced Flash. “Stay here. I need to go wrap my head around everything that’s happened today.”

“Er, okay…” Flash said. “Are you sure you don’t need any company?”

Twilight chuckled she leaned down to grab a purple purse. “I’ll be fine. I just need a quick walk,” she said as she walked in front of Pinkie and Dan.

Pinkie simple leaned back with a smile on her face. Dan, on the other hand, let out an annoyed grunt and leaned his head over as Twilight momentarily blocked his vision.

“Dan!” Pinkie said as she excitedly pointed out into the rink. “Now they’re making walls for the two pyramid deelybobs out of the different colored sheets!”

Dan looked down at the rink and squinted. The skaters had indeed assembled two different colored pyramids. A single male skater with a lightning bolt across his chest suddenly skated onto the rink, heading towards the purple pyramid. Reaching it, he began to furiously snatch the purple sheets as the other skaters nearby broke off in a line towards the gray pyramid.

Gibson frowned. “I don’t get it.”

Dan frowned. “I think the new guy is an angry lightning god… Zeus… or maybe Thor… Shut up, alright? I’m trying to concentrate!”

Pinkie gasped and pointed. “Look it’s Sunset Shimmer!!”

Sunset Shimmer skated out onto the rink in a bright orange outfit covered in sequences that sparkled from the lights far overhead. Scattered groups of people around the rink began to cheer and clap.

Dan frowned. “She has weird orange sheets with her. But what does it mean?”

“Maybe she just has them for fun!” Pinkie suggested.

Dan sighed. “It’s art, Pinkie. No one ever does anything ‘for fun’! There’s clearly some deep symbolism going here that the creators are purposely withholding from the audience so they can lord their smug sense of superiority over everyone.”

“Oh…” Pinkie said simply as she too began to stare intently at the scene in front of her.

Dan stared forward as he returned to gritting his teeth. “Man, I wish I hadn’t promised to not set fire to this place or attack anyone!”

The group watched in silence as Sunset began passing out her orange sheets to the other skaters.

Gibson suddenly stood up. “Yeah! Go Sunset Shimmer! You pass out that orange stuff! Woooo!”

The group collectively stared up at Gibson with a confused look.

“Woo?” Gibson said as he looked down at the faces looking up at him. “So… no one else is going to cheer for Sunset?”

Pinkie frowned and looked back down at the ice rink. “I’m too confused about what’s going on now to cheer.”

“I don’t care that much,” Dan said.

Trixie nodded. “I also don’t care.”

Flash pulled his lips to one side of his face. “I’m still a little mad at Sunset, honestly.”

“Go, condiment lady, go!” a woman’s voice called out.

The group collectively looked across the rink to a trio of girls sitting in seats right next to the rink. All three girls wore hoodies with the hoods pulled up. A woman wearing a deep purple hoodie with a monkey shaped harness clinging to her back with its arms wrapped her torso. She waved her arms up and down as she cheered on Sunset Shimmer.

Gibson raised a hand over his eyes to block out the bright lights from above and squinted. “Wait… are those… Are those the Dazzlings?”

Trixie suddenly put on a dark look of jealousy. “Why don’t you just go over there and ask?! I’m sure those three already miss you ogling them!”

Gibson immediately sat down, and put his arm around Trixie. “Why would I do that when I can ogle you instead?”

Trixie’s cheeks flushed as she turned away and scooched closer to Gibson. “… Trixie is sorry…” she said in a small, begrudging tone.

Flash chuckled and gave Gibson a thumbs up. “Nice save, dude.”

Gibson smiled at Flash, “You learn quick when you’re dating Trixie.”

Flash frowned and looked back down at the rink, his eye’s focusing on Sunset. “I know the feeling.”

Dan suddenly stood up. “WHO IS THIS DOUCHEBAG IN BLACK?!” he cried angrily.

Pinkie eyes tracked a male skater in a black leotard who skated onto the rink as the skaters in white skating out. “My guess… Batman!”

Dan frowned and sat down. “Okay, that makes absolutely no sense, but I’m strangely okay with this.”

-ooo-

Aria removed the hood to her green hoody in frustration, releasing her twin ponytails.  “Okay… They have to be just making up random stuff at this point! What’s with this Black Panther dude?!”

Adagio sighed heavily as she removed her own lavender hoodie, causing her massive mass of orange curls to practically explode out in all directions behind her. “This is so easy Aria!” Adagio cried as she motioned out to the rink. “The regular skaters represent mankind and Sunset Shimmer is Prometheus bringing them the gift of fire after tricking Zeus into accepting the more attractive, but less desirable sacrifice of inedible cow bones and fat while humans keep all the edible parts!” Adagio continued to motion out to the skaters in the rink. “The guy with the lightning bolt and the guy in the black outfit that are lifting her up are Zeus and Hades respectively. They’re going to punish Prometheus for his transgressions against the gods!”

Aria glanced at the rink then back at Adagio. “How are you getting all this?!” she cried as she flung her arms into the air.

“Wheee!” Sonata cried as the crowd watching began to cheer and clap. “Now they’re spinning condiment hair lady in the air!”

Adagio scoffed. “Sure, if you want to just see the literal interpretation of events.”

Aria frowned heavily. “You know what, Sonata? Let’s get some food. ”

“Yay!” Sonata cried as she removed her hood and offered up the leash to her harness. “My favorite time of day! Anytime involving going to get food!” No sooner had Aria grabbed the leash Sonatas then threw open a metal door and scampered through it like an excited puppy.

“Whoa!” Aria uttered as the leash she held onto suddenly went taut and yanked her forward through the same door.

“You’re going to miss Hercules and the eagle that eats Prometheus’s liver!” Adagio shouted as the door began to close

“I don’t care!” Aria shouted back through the open door a split second before it shut behind her.

Adagio sighed. “Philistines…” she uttered.

-ooo-

Sonata excitedly jumped up and down on the bright white linoleum floor causing the her pony tail and the head of the stuffed monkey that tightly clung to her back to bob up and down as she listed off everything she wanted from the arena’s snack bar. “… and I want a hotdog, and some popcorn, and a large order of nachos…”

Aria sighed to herself and raised a hand to her face. “Why did I think this was a good idea…”

“… and I want an ice cream cone, and a box of M&Ms, and sweet tarts, and a soda—” Sonata suddenly stopped and gasped. She pointed forward. “And her! I want her! She looks so cool!”

Aria looked up and her eyes widened as she caught sight of Twilight Sparkle in her full punk rock glory. Twilight, on the other hand, simply stared down at the floor with her hand on her chin, a thoughtful look on her face as she seemed headed for nowhere in particular.

“Yeah, alright…” Aria said as her eyes lingered slightly on Twilight’s studded belt, spiked collar, and spiked bracelets.

Sonata cupped her hands under her chin and smiled at Aria. “For realzies?!”

Aria nodded. “She looks pretty cool. Let’s make her hangout with us.”

Sonata grinned as she and Aria quickly walked up to Twilight, and grabbed onto either arm.

“Ah!” Twilight exclaimed as she jumped. She swallowed as she looked between the two girls who had suddenly flanked and grabbed hold of her.“Uh… Hello? Can I help you?”

Sonata grinned wide. “Hello new best friend!”

“I… what?!” Twilight cried in an alarmed tone.

“Just go with it,” Aria said as Sonata and her began to turn Twilight around towards the rink. “Sonata throws massive tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.”

Twilight swallowed. “Am I being kidnapped?”

 Aria turned and smiled. “More like forced to hang out with a bunch of celebrities whether you want to or not.”

The tense look on Twilight’s face seemed to drain away at Aria’s words. “Oh… I get forced to hang out with people whether I want to or not all the time. Is it alright if I text my boyfriend and make him hang out with you two possibly against his will, too?”

Aria shrugged. “So long as the number to dial your boyfriend isn’t ‘9-1-1’ Knock yourself out,” she said.

Twilight reached for her purse and pulled out a smartphone.

-ooo-

Flash’s eyes widened slightly as a small buzzing noise came from his jacket. He reached into it and pulled out his smartphone. “Huh…” he said as he stared at the screen. “Twilight’s apparently being forced to hang out with celebrities across the rink...” He stood up and walked past Trixie and Gibson. “She wants me to come. Uh, sorry everyone...”

“Whatever, go!” Dan cried. “I don’t even remember your stupid name!”

“Bye! bye!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she waved at Flash. “Tell Twilight to call me sometime after she’s done being forced to hangout with famous people!”

Trixie glared at Flash as he walked sideways down the row of plastic black stadium seats. “Trixie knows someone famous, too!” she shouted after him.

“… Magnifico the Magnificent is a wad,” Gibson said simply.

Trixie hung her head and sighed. “Yeeeaaah…”

Gibson leaned over towards Trixie and gently placed his hand on her chin, raising her face so he could look deep into her amethyst colored eyes with his chocolate ones. “Hey, you’re way cooler and better to watch than him anyways. Maybe you should try a few real solo shows, you know?” Gibson smiled. “Maybe to an audience a little bigger than a couple of cops and a few other people waiting in a hospital.”

 Trixie leaned forward and pressed her forehead against Gibson’s, “Yeah?”

Gibson leaned tilted his head up, bringing his lips closer to Trixie’s, “Yeah…”

“GO PLAY KISSY FACE SOMEWHERE ELSE!” Dan snapped.

Gibson and Trixie jumped slightly and turned to face Dan.

“The shows about over,” Dan continued, “and I need to concentrate without feeling ill from watching you two eye each other the way a pair of hungry dogs stare at a sausage.”

Trixie narrowed her eyes at Dan. “If the shows about over, why do you need to concentrate?”

Pinkie bent down and picked up a massive bouquet of roses as a wicked grin began to slowly spread out from the center of her face until it had reached either side. “You’ll see…” she said ominously.

Soon Sunset Shimmer and her fellow skaters were raising their arms up to the happy cheers of the crowd around them as roses were tossed from the seats above onto the ice below.

“Sunset Shimmer!”

Sunset looked up towards the shrill voice that called out her name just in time to witness a large bouquet of roses sailing towards her. With no time to spare, Sunset reached up and snatched the bouquet at the end mere moments before it would have smashed full force into her face. She smiled and looked up, chuckling as she wagged her finger up at Dan and Pinkie.

‘THOMP!’

Sunset’s eyes widened as something black quickly flew towards her smashing into her face and unfurling around her head as she fell backwards onto the ice with a hard ‘THUD!’

“HAH!” Dan cried as he lowered his t-shirt cannon. “I got you!”

Pinkie giggled. “Nice shot, Dan!”

Sunset merely groaned in response as she slowly raised brought her hands up to her face and lifted off the offending item that now covered it. A small black T-shirt that sported the word ‘JERK’ in bright bold letters greeted her.

End Part 17.

Author’s note:

And we reach the end of yet another arc. Hope you enjoyed it. Sadly, it might be the a little bit before the next update hits. Part of this is due to increased work demand in my professional life and the odd development in my personal life here and there taking up my time. Mostly though, there are several stories I want to blow the dust off and update or even finish. I hope I can start getting them on something of a schedule over the next few weeks and months until they’re to a point where I feel I can return to this story.

As this may come of a little shock considering I have had near constant updates for well over a year at this point. I have decided to answer some questions people may or may not have over this:

Do you need a break from The Wheel and the Butterfly?

Only in the sense that releasing it on a schedule while I get to everything else “when I feel like it and have the time” has meant I’ve gotten a bit ahead of myself with this story. I just need to reuse the time to focus on some of my other stories for the bit. Once several of them are to a point where I feel their release schedule can be slowed again (or they’re simply finished), I’ll hope to focus most my attention back to TW&TB.

How long will it take until updates start again?

I wish I knew, but I’m not entirely sure how long it’ll take to get out updates on all the things I want. Though, if I can somehow get back into a rhythm where I’m getting at least one chapter of something out once a week, it hopefully won’t take more than a couple of months.

Do you know what’s coming next?

Absolutely. In fact, the next arc will likely be one I’ve thought about and the most since beginning this store well over a year ago.

But what about Twilight?!

Geez, I know right? There’s gotta be some more crazy Dazzling shenanigans there! This will likely be covered in a side story or spin-off. Not sure if I’ll use some of this ‘break time’ to start this up, or what, but there’s definitely a story there that will feed well into an idea I’ve wanted to do for a while now.

Nuuuuuu! I’ll die without my Dan and Pinkie fix!

Hehehe, sorry! But I really need to give my other stories some much needed love. I hoped to be much farther along with many of them, but life had other plans. Maybe I’ll find time to get the next chapter of “Slice out of Life” out among the other stuff I want to get done.

Thanks for your patience and understanding. You’re some of the best readers an author can ask for and I look forward to returning to this setting and pumping out action packed craziness as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading!

And now, picture references for the outfits.

Pinkie's outfit is the 'silly' outfit here: https://derpibooru.org/808060?scope=scpe5d338d505589fa3268947051f716b803f0afcaff

Twilight's "punk rock outfit" is depicted here: https://derpibooru.org/887410?scope=scpe6a1ece539af4be1311627bb3a51d1938023bce8b

Her ‘frumpy librarian outfit and Rarity’s outfit are both here:

https://derpibooru.org/268660?scope=scpe286841ea7f3a6c76486a995d1cf71992265b759a

And finally, Twilight’s sweater dress outfit (complete with panty shot :P ) is here: https://derpibooru.org/881596?scope=scpe5d338d505589fa3268947051f716b803f0afcaff

Bonus Arc Prologue

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Bonus Arc Dan Vs. Doctor Doom… ?: Chapter 1 Elise Vs. Chris’s Appetite

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Bonus Arc: Dan Vs. Doctor Doom… ?: Chapter 2 Dan Vs. Victor Von Doom…?

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Guest Arc Chapter 1: Dan Vs. Paranoia

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Guest Arc Dan Vs. SyFy: Chapter 2 Last Laugh vs Killi-TOK

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Guest Arc Dan vs SyFy: Chapter 3 Elise vs Boundaries

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Guest Arc Dan vs SyFy: chapter 4 Last Laugh vs Priorities

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Guest Arc Dan vs SyFy: Chapter 5 Love vs Hate

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Guest Arc Dan vs SyFy: Chapter 6 Dan vs Future

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Guest Arc Dan vs SyFy: Epilogue Elise vs SyFy

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Part 18 … Vs. …: Prologue

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Part 18 … Vs. …: Chapter 163: Last Laugh Vs. Names

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 164: Chris Vs. Getting On With It

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 165: Last Laugh Vs. Reveal

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 166: Dan & Pinkie Vs. Days of Future Past

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 167: Dan & Pinkie Vs. More Comic Book References

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 168: Elle Vs. Bullet to the Brain Pan

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 169: Everyone Vs. Moral Quandaries

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 169 and one half : Applejack Vs. Mini-Applejacks

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 170 : Dan Vs. Deadite Butt Molecules

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 171: Pinkamena Vs. Demons

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 172 : Dan Army Vs. Deadite Troop

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 173: Pinkamena Vs. Demon Horde

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 174 : Sunset Vs. Okay. Just. What.

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash (Whoops… Should have also said Applejack!) Vs. Deadites (& Ruby): Chapter 175 : The Tok Vs. The Notion that we can’t do whatever we want!

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash (Whoops… Should have also said Applejack!) Vs. Deadites (& Ruby): Chapter 177 : The Crazy Author Insert, The Dazzlings, an Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Hollywood Agenda (Part 0)

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Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings: Chapter 161 Dan Vs. Showdown

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 17 Sunset Shimmer Vs. The Dazzlings

Chapter 161 Dan Vs. Showdown

-oooooo-

Pinkie quickly pulled a cylindrical item ending with a chrome sphere tipped rod out of her hair with her right hand, and a small pistol like item ending with a blade in her left. She pointed both weapons at the side of Adagio’s head. “Don’t make me do this!” Pinkie said threateningly. “I don’t want to mess up your fluffy hair.”

Adagio frowned. “I have so many regrets…”

Dan smacked a palm against his face. “Goofball… what the heck is that thing?”

“It’s a knife gun! It shoots knifes!”

“Well, obviously!” Dan said grumpily as he removed his hand from his face. “Ignoring the impracticality of something that fires knifes instead of bullets, I meant the other thing.”

“Oh this?” Pinkie said as she glanced at the cylindrical weapon. “It’s a sphere gun!”

Dan grumbled, “It shoots spheres…”

“It shoots spheres!” Pinkie said excitedly.

“I get it!” Chris declared.

Dan rolled his eyes. “That is without a doubt, the stupidest—”

Pinkie continued, her expression going dead serious for a second. “The spheres explode violently on impact!”

A look of interest suddenly crossed Dan’s face. “Really?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie said. “Should blow a giant hole right in the side of her head if I have to use it!”

Adagio pursed her lips hard as her eyes widened. “So… so many regrets.”

Aria sighed heavily as she continued to point her small, snub nosed pistol at the back of Chris’s “Dagi, why’d you grab the Desert Eagle?”

“I grabbed the most intimidating gun that I could hide behind my back!”

Aria rolled his eyes. “Okay, but I think that gun’s a little much for you.”

“Are you seriously critiquing me while I’m trying to save your life?!”

“Can’t you at least hold the gun with both hands?! I bet the kick-back will break your wrist if you pull the trigger.”

Elise nodded her head up and down. “Oh yeah, those things don’t mess around… You should totally put it down.”

Adagio narrowed her eyes. “Quiet you!”

Pinkie lowered her own eyelids slightly. “You should really put the gun down.”

Adagio hummed thoughtfully. “Hmmmmmm…”

“Seriously!” Aria said. “Go back and pick something small and girly.”

“You know what?!” Adagio said. “No! I’m gonna to stick with this one. So just deal with it!”

Aria furrowed her brow.

Elise spoke up, “I vote she leaves and gets a smaller gun… or just leaves.”

“SHUT UP!” Aria and Adagio said in unison.

“Here’s an Idea,” Chris said, “why doesn’t everyone just put their guns down and no one gets shot with a bullet, or a knife, or anything that explodes? Dan, back me up here.”

Dan shrugged. “I still vote you just duck.”

Chris sighed.

“Hey, Pinkie?” Sunset said.

“Yes ‘m?”

“Can I have a gun, please? Preferably one that shoots actual bullets if you have one.”

Pinkie raised her knife gun to the curl that extended from the top of her head and hung it by the finger guard.

Adagio gritted her teeth. “Hey! Don’t… Wait, did you just hang a gun off your hair?! I have to know what kind of hair gel you use!”

Pinkie giggled as she reached into her hair again. “Oh, it just does that itself,” Pinkie answered as she pulled out a large revolver with zig-zag grooves on the cylinder.

Adagio frowned. “You’re lucky. Aria uses like two cans of hairspray to keep my hair in place,” she said as Pinkie handed Sunset the gun.

“Huh…” Sunset said as she examined the strange revolver. “Cool gun.”

Pinkie nodded as she reached back up for her knife gun. “Mmmmhmm! They don’t make them anymore!”

Sunset pointed her revolver at Adagio. “Gun drops when you change your concert date.”

“Okay, this really isn’t fair!” Adagio said.

Aria rolled her eyes. “You are such a baby sometimes, you know that?”

“Easy for you to say! You don’t even have one gun pointed directly at you! I have three sorta guns pointed at me! = How is that fair?!”

Pinkie frowned. “Well, I don’t want to be unfair.” Pinkie slowly moved her knife gun so it was pointing at Sunset. “Is that better?!”

“NO!” Sunset cried.

“Yes,” Adagio said.

Dan chuckled softly to himself. “I’m still voting you just duck, Chris.”

Chris frowned heavily. “As uncomfortable as I am with the idea of getting shot, I really don’t want to start a chain reaction that gets…” Chris paused and counted to himself as he lowered fingers on his right hand “… four people shot! Especially if one of those people is my wife.”

“Hey Pinkie,” Sunset said, “I can understand if you’re still a little peeved at me, but could you not point the knife gun at my face? Maybe pick something less likely to kill me?”

Pinkie thought about this momentarily. “Okay, but I’ll have to move the gun I have on Adagio, too! IT’s only fair.”

“Well, I’m already pointing a gun at her head, so that’s fine.”

Pinkie pointed her guns down at the women’s posteriors. “Hehe! There, now if I shot you both, it’ll be more funny and less murdery!”

“Thanks,” Sunset said.

Adagio looked downwards and cringed. “No! Not my glorious booty! Point it at my face! MY FACE!”

“Dagi,” Aria called out, “if your face explodes, you’ll most likely die. At least you could probably survive an ass explosion.”

“THAT’S NOT LIVING!” Adagio cried.

Pinkie frowned. “I was just trying to he—.”

“Found everyone!” the group heard a young man’s voice call out.

They turned as Gibson began walking towards the group, Trixie close behind him.

Dan shot a glare in the direction of the new arrivals. “What took you two so long?!”

Trixie returned the glare. “We were hungry and the tacos where delicious!”

Gibson nodded in agreement. “They were pretty tasty.”

Pinkie gasped. “You two didn’t come to help because you were eating tacos?!”

Dan smirked. “You tell ‘em, Pinkie!”

“And you didn’t bring me one?!” Pinkie cried.

Dan grumbled to himself and smacked a palm against his face.

Gibson turned to Trixie. “See! I told you she’d want one!”

Trixie sighed as she reached into a purple handbag with a blue, yellow, and white stars on it. “Fine,” Trixie said as she pulled out a taco wrapped in clear rap and handed it to Pinkie. “But we’re going to make more tacos to take come!”

“Yay!” Pinkie cried as she hung her sphere gun on her dangling hair hook, grabbed the taco and unwrapped it. She began to happily munch on it.

Sunset knitted her brow as she continued to keep her gun firmly pointed at Adagio. “For the record, if I die, I want it known that I hate each and every one of you.

Adagio cocked an eyebrow. “Can you point your gun at one of them then, please?”

Sunset cocked an eyebrow. “Still hate you more.”

Adagio sighed.

“Seriously!” Dan cried as he continued to shoot an irritated glance at Trixie and Gibson. “You wasted all this time just eating!?”

Gibson frowned. “Well, we also ran into a kid we had to knock out and stick with the rest of the guests.”

Trixie raised an index finger. “Technically we didn’t have to. But she was being a brat, so Trixie wanted to.” Trixie’s eyes suddenly went wide they drifted over the group, lingering on each very lethal-looking firearm pointed at someone else. “Wait?! Why does everyone have guns drawn and pointed at each other?”

Chris spoke up, “Well, I don’t have a gun.”

Elise frowned. “Chris, that doesn’t really matter.”

Chris grinned sheepishly. “Sorry.”

Trixie swallowed and began to shake in place.

Dan sighed and motioned out to the group of armed girls and Chris. “As you may have noticed, we have a little situation up here. Chris might get shot!”

“Dan!” Pinkie said in a scolding tone as she pointed her sphere gun back at Adagio’s rump.

“And other people might die too,” Dan continued, “So if you have something constructive you can do to help out here, I’m open to suggestions.”

Trixie suddenly wrapped an arm around Gibson’s shoulder as she reached into her jeans and pulled out her wand. She suddenly thrust pressed her wand under Gibson’s chin. “NOBODY MOVE! TRIXIE HAS A TEENAGER AND SHE’S NOT AFRAID TO ZAP HIM!”

“Trixie?! What the hell?!” Gibson cried.

Trixie continued to shake. “TRIXIE IS SORRY! TRIXIE GETS ALL PANICKY WHEN SHE THINKS SHE MIGHT GET SHOT!”

Dan smacked a palm against his face. “Mixie… I said to do something if you had something ‘constructive’. Why are you holding obnoxious teen hostage? No one cares about him.”

“I know I don’t,” Adagio said.

Gibson spoke up, “Plus, you’re just going to shock us both you’re holding onto me like this.”

Trixie’s already frightened-looking face turned several shades paler. “Trixie lied. Trixie is afraid to zap her boyfriend and now she’s terrified that it means zapping herself.”

Dan grit his teeth. “SO JUST LET HIM GO ALREADY!”

“TRIXIE IS FROZEN IN FEAR!”

Dan smacked a palm against his head. “Obnoxious teen. Can you do something helpful?”

“Uh…” Gibson looked around at the scene in front of him and the wand pressed against his chin nervously. He reached behind him, thrusting his hand in between his back and Trixie.

“Eek!” Trixie exclaimed as she jumped slightly. “Watch it! I have a wand pointed at you, you know!”

“Sorry, bae,” Gibson said. “I was just reaching for my gun.”

“Oh…” Trixie said, as she released Gibson long enough to reach behind him and pull out a small, boxy pistol. “You mean, this?” She asked as she handed the gun to Gibson. “It was poking me in the stomach anyways.”

“Thank you!” Gibson said as he took the gun.

“You’re welcome!” Trixie said sweetly as she resumed wrapping her arm around Gibson’s neck as she pointed her wand threateningly at his chin.

“Awww,” Pinkie uttered. “Aren’t they so cute together?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, it’s like watching two mentally challenged cocker spaniels repeatedly throw themselves into a wall.”

“Nobody move!” Gibson said as he pointed his gun at Dan. “I’ve got a clean shot against Dan.”

Dan shot Gibson a ragefilled scowl. “THAT’S PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF HELPFUL!”

“Oh no!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Dan!”

Elise sighed. “No one cares about Dan… How’s that going to help?”

“I care about Dan!” Chris said.

Aria cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t have a gun, dude.”

Chris frowned. “Oh, yeah…”

Pinkie whimpered. “I care about Dan!” She suddenly shot Gibson a determined look as she pointed her weapons at Adagio’s backside more threateningly. “You better put your weapon down! I have a pop-star’s butt here, and am I’m far less afraid to explode it than I am to see Dan be shot!”

Gibson gasped. “No! Not Adagio’s butt! It’s super-hot!”

Trixie grit her teeth and pressed her wand into Gibson’s chin.

Gibson looked down and smiled nervously. “But not nearly as hot as the butt belonging to the woman holding me hostage…”

Trixie nodded satisfactorily and lowered her wand slightly.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Seriously! Don’t make me do this!”

Adagio swallowed. “Please don’t make her do this! I need my booty for shaking while I dance!”

Dan continued glare at Gibson. “I’m afraid I have to agree with fuzzy-wuzzy over here.”

“Dan,” Pinkie said, “Fuzzy-wuzzy didn’t have any hair… I mean… that’s sort of the point… Fuzzy-Wuzzy wasn’t very Fuzzy... was he?”

Dan sighed. “Shouldn’t you be leveraging your hostage so I don’t get shot?”

“Oh, right!” Pinkie said. “Seriously! Put the gun down! I’m not afraid to blow this ass—” Pinkie paused for a moment and cocked an eyebrow— “… up!”

Gibson swallowed as his gun began to shake.

“Goodness,” Trixie said, “you must really like Adagio’s rear.”

“It’s my… second favorite butt,” Gibson said as he glanced downward.

“Well… Even Trixie must admit it’s a pretty glorious booty.” Trixie sighed then smiled. “Alright, fine… Since I pulled a wand on you, I guess I can at least make up for it.” She thrust her wand hard against Gibson’s chin. “If you explode the butt, Trixie will zap her hostage.”

Pinkie gasped. “No! Not Gibson!”

Dan smacked a palm against his forehead. “PINKIE! GIBSON’S THE ONE POINTING A GUN AT ME!”

“Yeah, but… He’s still my friend!” Pinkie replied. “Plus, pointing guns at people just seems to be the in thing at the moment. I can hardly blame him for caving into peer pressure!”

Dan sighed. “Well… I’m sure there are stupider ways I could have died. I’m just having trouble thinking of them right now.

“Uh… Dan?” Chris called out. “Maybe now would be a good time to use your powers.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Right… I’m sure startling someone by punching things and throwing things won’t cause them to pull a trigger.”

Dan frowned and motioned to Sunset. “She has a point Chris. As much as I’d like to start taking a swing at everyone, someone, including myself is likely to still get shot.”

“Not that power!” Chris said. “Can’t you teleport objects, or something? Isn’t that how you got your couch? You could teleport all the weapons away!”

“Oh right…” Dan frowned. “But I’m not sure how that one works!” Plus I’ve only ever done it on one object at a time.”

“You can do it, Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I believe in you! Your powers saved me before! You can use them to save me and everyone this time.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie. “You’re the only one not in any trouble.”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “I kinda don’t want to commit double derriecide!”

Sunset furrowed her brow at Pinkie. “You could always just drop the weapon you have pointed at me.”

Pinkie frowned. “Yeah, but ‘single derriecide’ just isn’t as fun to say.”

“Will everyone shut up?!” Dan snapped as he closed his eyes and raised his hands to the sides of his head. “I’m trying to concentrate!”

“Are we having a party in the hallway?!”

Dan turned towards the sound of the voice. “WHAT DID I JUST—Wait, who the heck are you?” Dan asked of the blue haired woman that showed up from behind Trixie and Gibson.

“Sonata!” Adagio cried. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!”

Sonata shrugged. “Oh, I fell down a laundry chute.”

Adagio turned to Aria and grinned. “HAH!”

Aria sighed then inhaled deeply. “How did you manage that?”

Sonata smiled. “I thought it’d be fun! And it was!”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Dan, can I—?”

“No!” Dan said forcefully.

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip in a pout.

Sonata gasped excitedly as she noticed all the firearms drawn and pointed. “Are we playing hostages?!” Her face lit up and she began to run towards the hotel. “Sweet! I’ll get my explosive vest!”

“Sonata, wait!” Adagio cried.

“Don’t worry!” Sonata called back as she walked into the hotel room. “I have more than one! You never know when you might want to explode yourself twice in one day.”

“Ugh…. You know what?” Adagio said. “Someone just shot me… Put me out of my misery already. I can’t take this anymore.”

Sunset spoke up. “You know you could just move the concert and not get shot.”

Adagio sighed. “But I’d still be working with the same two idiots… also I’m still sick of rearranging the concert schedule.”

Sonata stuck her head out of the hotel room. “Wait, what concert?”

“Ugh…” Aria said. “Don’t tell me you forgot already!”

Sonata scowled at Aria. “We have lots of concerts, d’uh! I wanted to know which one she was talking about!”

“The one tomorrow!” Sunset cried. “That’s why we all have guns drawn and pointed at each other! It needs to be moved.”

“Over my… huff… puff… dead body!” Aria cried as her breathing become increasingly labored.

Elise grinned as she struggled with her own breathing. “Works for… huff… puff… Works for me!”

Chris’s eyes darted between the two women. “You know, you two are looking a bit pale. I think we should—“

Sonata interrupted, “There’s no concert tomorrow.”

“Yes there is!” Adagio cried. “We had to rearrange our schedule… again because either one of you idiots is getting into a fight or one of you is stuffing yourself so full of food that you can’t perform and we keep moving them!”

Sonata nodded. “Right! And since today is Tuesday and I need Wednesdays to recover, I called ahead and pushed our concert back another day!”

Adagio lowered her weapon. “You-you WHAT?!”

Pinkie and Sunset also lowered their weapons, as did Gibson.

Chris glanced behind him and then in front of him. “Girls, I think you can…”

“Huff… puff… Nope!” Aria said simply as she kept her gun pointed forward.

“Sorry, honey,” Elise said. “Huff… puff…We weren’t fighting over—” Elise paused to swallow hard— “the concert. This is huff… puff… a matter of honor.”

Chris sighed.

“When did you do this?!” Adagio demanded.

Sonata shrugged. “I don’t know… Like between Dinosaur mono-rail… and anotherepisode ofDinosaur mono-rail.”

“YOU CALLED THIS MORNING AND DIDN’T TELL US?!”

“I was gonna!” Sonata insisted. “But the Dinosaur mono-rail was going to visit another time period! I couldn’t just leave in the middle of that!”

“But that happens every episode of that stupid kid’s show!” Adagio said. “What’s the big deal?”

“Well… I was kinda hoping they’d finally cover why the dinosaurs went extinct if they could time travel. I mean… You’d think one of them would have gone back in time to warn the others at some point.”

“Oh geez!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I know, right? Maybe they’re saving that for the season finale.”

“Yeah!” Sonata said excitedly. “I’m guessing the conductor of the rocket-rail sabotages the time portals to ensure none of his victims escape his grizzly plan of disintegrating them with a death ray!”

Dan shot Pinkie and Sonata an irritated glance. “You two are talking about a cartoon! Cartoon characters don’t go on kill happy rampages with death rays!”

“Wait,” Sunset said as she handed Pinkie the gun she was holding and pulled out her smartphone. “If this happened this morning, then why I haven’t gotten a call…” Sunset frowned as she looked at her phone. “How come I’m getting no signal in the middle of Hollywood?”

“Yeah...huff… puff… that’s sort of my bad,” Elise said.

Sunset let her shoulders slump as she hung her head slightly. “You mean the concert was canceled the entire time?! What a waste of time.” she said while she shook her head. She began to trudge off. “Whatever… Guess I’ll rummage through the pile of rich people clothes and make the most of this whole thing.

“Can Trixie put her wand down now?” Trixie asked.

Dan grit his teeth. “NO ONE WAS EVEN POINTING A GUN AT YOU!” he roared.

“Oh…” Trixie said as she released Gibson. “Right…” she raised an eyebrow at Gibson. “Wait, why didn’t you say anything.”

“Uh… I was kind of enjoying being held by you… Even if there was a chance you might have zapped me.”

Trixie smiled. “Aww, you’re sweet.”

Pinkie giggled. “See! They’re adorable.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Trixie and Gibson. “Like two rabbits with kitchen cutlery tied to themselves and forced to fight, maybe. Cute, but it only can end in blood.”

“Can I go get my vest now?” Sonata asked.

“NO!” Adagio and Aria cried in unison.

Sonata folded her arms across her chest. “Ah, nerts… You two never let me blow myself up along with the entire building I’m in.”

Adagio narrowed her eyes at Sonata. “That’s because we’re always in the same building as you.”

“Fine!” Sonata cried as she stormed out of the hotel room and down the hall. “I still get to gorge myself on tacos!”

“What?!” Adagio cried. She began to follow. Sonata. “Oh no you—

“Huff… Just let it go, Adagio… puff…” Aria said.

“What?!” Adagio snapped as she turned to look at Aria. “I know you hate rearranging the schedule as much as I do!”

“Yeah…huuuuff… but I don’t think we’ll…puuuuffff… have a concert one way or the…huuuuff…  other tomorrow…puuuuffff…”

“And why’s that?”

“ ‘Caaaaaausseeee…” Aria’s eyes rolled up and back into her head and she collapsed into a small pool of her own blood.

Adagio frowned. “Oh…”

“Oh thank God…” Chris uttered.

“Ha!” Elise cried victoriously before taking a deep breath. “I won!” she smiled at Chris.

“Can we go home now?” Chris asked.

Elise shook her head and exhaled. “We should probably go to the hospital first.”

“Really?” Chris said as he glanced at Aria’s unconscious body. “That’s rather noble of you.”

Elise shook her head. “Not really.”

With that, Elise collapsed into her own pool of blood.

“Oh no…” Chris uttered.

Dan smiled. “Who wants to take bets on who dies of blood loss first?”

Pinkie shot Dan a disapproving look and swatted the back of his head.

‘Smack!’

“Ow!” Dan exclaimed as he glared up at Pinkie.

Pinkie continued to give Dan a disapproving look.

Dan sighed. “Fine! We’ll go to the stupid hospital. But we get to stop at Burgerphille on the way!”

“What?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Dan! No! They could die!”

“That could happen anyways!” Dan said. “Do you think they’d want to die and inconvenience others at the same time?!”

Pinkie frowned. “Well no, but I still think getting them help as soon as possible is more important than stopping for food.” She turned to Chris. “Chris! Back me up here.”

Chris fidgeted nervously in place. “Do you… Do you think I can think about it on the way to the car?”

Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily Life: Epilogue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily LifeEpilogue -oooooo-

“…And that’s when Captain Jack Tatterson, armed with his Death Ray Gun, blasted all the evil Blorg into--”

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRD!” Twilight yelled at the mirror.

“Wait, what?” Dan asked, his train of thought thoroughly derailed.

Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes and gave herself a proud smile.

“Why you little…purple…uh…sparkly...”

Dan heard some rustling as a soft, warm body pressed against his back and a feminine hand with nails painted pink reached over his own body into view.

“Tag up,” Pinkie said.

Dan spun his body on the mattress to face his roommate, his face mere inches from hers. “But she…”

“Dan,” Pinkie began in a tired tone, leveling equally tired sky-blue eyes at him, “we’ve been up for almost two days watching videos and talking to everyone in Canterlot and you’ve been picking on her non-stop.” Pinkie gave Dan a pleading look. “Let her have this one, pleeeease?”

Dan folded his arms and looked away. “FIIIINE!” he huffed out as he flicked Pinkie’s hand.

Pinkie pressed against Dan slightly as she reached over to grab the mirror off its pillow perch. She laid back on her own pillow and held the mirror above her. “Goodnight, Twilight,” Pinkie said with a yawn.

“Goodnight, Pinkie.” Twilight said with a smile, adding a “Goodnight, Dan,” with an eye roll.

“Night, Sparkler.” Dan mumbled.

Pinkie smiled to herself and closed the compact mirror. She placed the mirror on the side of the bed, lightly tapping it against the crate that served as part of the fort wall.

The fort immediately collapsed in on itself, burying the occupants in blankets, cushions, and throw pillows to the sound of a startled cat.

“Pinkfie?” Dan called out, with a muffled voice.

 “Yeah, Dan?”

“I thwink it’s twime we put bwack the fwurnitwure…”

Pinkie sighed. “I know, Dan.”

“Good…bwut furst please help pry Misster Mumble owff my fwace.”

“Merrrow…”

End Part 3

Part 7 Dan Vs. Love: Chapter 45 Dan Vs. Pinkie’s Birthday Party

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 7 Dan Vs. Love  Chapter 45 Dan Vs. Pinkie’s Birthday Party

*****

More music, sorta a montage thing. If you are against going to this Goggle docs link for some reason, I suppose you can just sing The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) to yourself at the beginning of this.

*****

A digital alarm clocks cuts through the silence of a peaceful night. From under dimly lit covers of a bed, an angry hand shoots to snatch the offending device.

Just as quickly, a slim, lightly gauzed wrapped, feminine, nail polished hand shoots out and envelops the first hand, gently pulling it off the alarm and maneuvering as it holds the hand below it to hit a button on the device with an index finger.

♫

Dan and Pinkie groggily rise from the bed stretching and yawning. Dan in nothing but his boxers, Pinkie in a set of pink pajamas adorned with her cutie mark on the chest.

♫

Pinkie grabs Dan’s hand and drags the near catatonic man out of the bedroom, grabs a neatly piled set of black and blue clothing for him off the dresser as she does, and pushes the clothes in Dan’s chest and the man into the bathroom.

♫

Pinkie sets a glass full of a dark red, viscous liquid in front of Dan who picks up the glass and downs the contents. His barely open eyes and sleepy expression are suddenly replaced with giant, saucer sized pupils and a large, mad grin.

♫

Pinkie and Dan walk down a street, streetlight illuminating their walk as a white shirted, black vested, cutoff jean clad Pinkie laughs at Dan who is emphatically, and excitedly motioning out with his hands as his mouth moves nonstop.

♫

Dan feverishly dumps cups full of flour, spoonfuls of various substances, and a large bowl full of a white lumpy substance into a huge mixing bowl and begins feverishly attacking the contents with a hand held electric mixer.

♫

Dan and Pinkie slowly ascend the stairs to their apartment, frosting of various colorful streaked across their faces, arms draped over eachother as they make the laborious journey up each step.

♫

The door to the apartment opens and Dan and Pinkie simply fall forward unto the ground as Mr. Mumbles bounds up and begins licking frosting off Dan’s face.

♫

Pinkie looks down at a tray of steaming hot muffins in the oven, looks at her bandaged hands, and leans her face down towards the tray, opens her mouth and…

♫

…has her face swatted by a large, red, rolled up pot holder courtesy of a displeased looking Dan. He hands her the pot holder and Pinkie takes it in her mouth and proceeds to use it to take the hot tray out of the oven.

♫

Dan drives by the Antique Mall and catches his reflection in the mirror still on display. He points at his eyes with his index and middle finger and points back to his own reflect in an ‘I’m keeping my eyes on you’ fashion.

♫

Dan opens the door to the apartment holding a two large Burgerphile bags in his hand.

♫

Pinkie immediately wraps her arms around Dan, kisses him on the cheek, and gleefully grabs one of the bags out of his hand.

♫

The two roommates sit down on their blue couch together as they happily munch away on hamburgers and fries, illuminated by the warm glow of the TV in front of them. Pinkie smiles contently as she leans her head down on Dan’s shoulder.

♫

A red floral design shirted, jean clad Pinkie and black ‘JERK’ shirted, jean clad Dan trudge out of the apartment, over the apartment walkway, down stairs, and down a familiar street, bleary eyed and exhausted.

♫

A red floral design shirted, jean clad Pinkie snoozes peacefully; hands latched around Dan’s neck as he tramps back the other direction across the street.

♫

Dan deposits the sleeping Pinkie Pie on the bed, and collapses on it himself. Immediately passing out next to the pink haired woman.

♫

A frazzled looking Dan and Pinkie collide with each other in the bakery kitchen, the two crash to the floor dropping a large, wooden spoon and baking spatula; Pinkie landing on top of Dan. Dan grumbles irritable until he looks up into the smiling face of the woman above him.

Pinkie brushes her hair from her face, leans her head down, and cringes as Crunchy walks in holding a sheet of paper.

Dan lobs a wooden spoon at Crunchy, hitting him in the face. This is quickly followed by the baking spatula that also hits its target.

♫

Pinkie sits on Dan’s lap in the tiny break room, arms encircling his neck. The two look deep into each other’s eyes, lean forward, and slump their shoulders as D.H. throws open the door to the room and frantically points outside.

Outside Dan and Pinkie survey the dining room as it is besieged by a small group of irate, winged monkeys that are terrorizing customers and throwing baked goods about. Chris flails about as a winged monkey claws at him from a perch on his shoulder.

♫

Dan smacks a palm against his forehead as Pinkie quickly trudges off and returns with a broom, an unamused expression plastered on her face.

♫

Dan, wearing his red ‘KISS THE JERK’ apron opens his oven with a light-blue oven mitt covered hand, and pulls out a meatloaf with the same hand. He glances over to a pink framed picture sitting on top of his CD player and sighs happily at the picture of him smiling with his arms around the shoulders of an exuberant Pinkie.

♫

Dan contently and absentmindedly runs his hands through the thick, pink, curly hair of the sleeping girl who has rested her head against his bare chest under the covers of the bed they share. He frowns as he attempts to lift his hand and find that he can’t get it out of the tangled mass.

♫

A sleepy looking Pinkie Pie wheels a sleeping Dan, who is strapped to a dolly, down the street as Dan snores away.

♫

An exhausted looking Dan wheels a sleeping Pinkie Pie, who is strapped to a dolly, up the street as Pinkie snoozes away.

♫

Dan slowly lowers Pinkie onto their bed and smiles as he brushes an errant, curly strand of hair from her face, and kisses her forehead.

♫

D.H. walks behind the counter to the bakery carrying a tray of cupcakes, slips, and flings several colorful projectiles into the faces and bodies of Dan and Pinkie as they stand behind the register.

Dan and Pinkie merely sigh as Pinkie pulls out an identical looking tray of cupcakes and walks off towards the dining area with it.

♫

Dan crawls up the stairs to the apartment, reaching out for each step and strenuously pulling himself up. Feminine looking arms and hands are wrapped around his neck, attached to a sleeping Pinkie Pie who snoozes on his back.

♫

Dan reaches up to the knob of the apartment from his crawling position and opens the door, slumping half into the apartment as he continues to crawl inside, Pinkie Pie still clinging to his neck and snoring away.

♫

Pinkie excitedly bounds up the apartment stairs as Dan grumpily follows her.

♫

A small, green alligator wearing a teal party hat stares vacantly at the excited looking girl wearing a yellow and light-blue striped party hat on top of her pink mop of hair. Pinkie joyfully converses with her mute pet through the tiny compact mirror.

♫

Dan stares irritably back at the alligator as Pinkie starts changing the pointed cone he is wearing over and over again with a large collection of striped, polka-dotted, and colorful party hats.

♫

From behind the alligator, Spike and Rarity point towards Dan and giggle to themselves as Pinkie continues to change the cardboard apparel atop his head.

Dan shouts at them, causing them to pause, but Fluttershy walks into view and begins gently chastising Dan who folds his arms and looks away with a sullen expression.

♫

Wally hands Dan a rectangular slip of paper that Dan examines.

Dan’s eyes widen and a wicked grin emerges across his face.

Wally also hands a similar slip to Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie smiles proudly to herself as she examines her own little sheet of paper.

♫

Chris parks his blue sedan in front of the Antique Mall as Dan throws open the passenger door and gleefully runs into the store. Chris following.

♫

Dan happily hands an elderly looking gentleman eight $100 bills and motions emphatically to the mirror. The man smiles back at Dan and waves an arm at the mirror.

Dan grins a toothy, devilish smile to himself as he wrings his hands together.

♫

Dan pauses as a finger taps his shoulder. He looks up towards Chris who points to the large mirror then out to his car with an unhappy expression on his face.

Chris holds his hands up and out in the rough dimensions of the mirror and shrinks the motions down as he nods to the car.

Dan turns and snarls and starts animatedly waving his hands about as he yells at Chris.

♫

Dan faces Chris, Dan walking backwards as Chris and him hold the mirror up and trudge past stores, across streets, past fast-food restaurants, over sidewalks, past palm tree after palm tree, past nice house, past okay looking houses, past run down looking houses, and finally make their way to a set of familiar looking stairs.

♫

The two carefully make it to the apartment door as Dan carefully unlocks and opens the door, a hand still firmly gripping the mirror as Chris strains under its considerable weight.

The two walk the mirror in and place it carefully on its stand on the apartment floor.

♫

Their job complete, Dan wipes sweat from his forehead as Chris woozily collapses on top of him.

Dan screams angrily at Chris as he finds the much larger man’s bulk near impossible to crawl out from under.

***

Pinkie and Dan walked up the stairs to their apartment, enjoying the two days in a row of them returning to the apartment when the sun was actually still out.

“Oh! I’m so excited for Gummy’s after-party!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Dan rolled his eyes, “Another thrilling evening of talking to a vacant looking creature, can’t wait.” He responded to the pink raglan, pink denim short, yellow and light blue stocking, hot-pink sneaker wearing girl flatly.

“IKNOWRIGHT?!” Pinkie responded exuberantly as she unlocked the door to apartment 8, and threw open the door.

“SURPRISE!”

“Meow!”

Pinkie paused and stared blankly as Chris and Elise jump into sight. She glanced around the apartment and noticed balloons, streamers, a banner that read ‘Happy Birthday, Pinkie!’, and even Mr. Mumbles in a party hat.

“Happy Birthday, you vacant looking creature, you.” Dan said lifting a hand up to ruffle Pinkie’s hair.

Pinkie inhaled a huge volume of air, “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!” She exclaimed excitedly.

Elise laughed, “Haha…Pinkie you have to be the easiest person ever to throw a surprise party for!” She declared.

Pinkie giggled nervously to herself.

“Hey, Pinkie!” Chris exclaimed excitedly! “We brought you a cake!”

Pinkie’s and Dan’s happy expressions crashed and burned into a blazing fireball of dread.

“An ice-cream cake!”  Chris added

Dan breathed a sigh of relief.

Pinkie put her palms together and held them at a point towards her chin. “Thank you, Celestia.” She murmured, looking up to the sky.

The two roommates entered the apartment.

“Oh, what is this bull-hooky?!” Dan exclaimed motioning towards a wood grain coffee table with a shelf underneath the table surface, a large black folding table, and a matching set of folding chairs; all with pink ribbons wrapped around them.

Elise rolled her eyes. “We thought you two could use some real furniture.”

“Awww, I think that’s very thoughtful!” Pinkie exclaimed joyfully. “Come here, you two!”

Elise and Chris happily approached Pinkie as she wrapped her arms around them and gave them a tight squeeze.

“Well…the table and chairs can stay, but there’s no way we’re replacing the crate!” Dan insisted as he crossed his arms quickly and threw them out in front of him. “It’s been just like a crate to me.”

Pinkie broke her hug and walked up to Dan with a smile. “Dan, I’m sure there’s room in our lives for both the coffee table and the crate.”

Dan folded his arms and looked away with a brooding expression. “Oh…all right.”  He walked over to the crate and leaned in close to it. “Don’t worry buddy,” He whispered, “that coffee table has got to sleep sometime!”

“Dan,” Chris said flatly, “You’re talking to a crate.” He pointed out.

“Cratey is very sensitive, Chris.” Pinkie insisted.

Dan motioned out to his roomie. “See! She gets it! Besides,” Dan pointed at Elise and Chris, “you’re not supposed to buy people things they need on their birthday! You’re supposed to buy them frivolities they don’t really need but want anyways!” Dan insisted with an irritated tone.

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Kinda like your gift, you mean?

Dan smiled smugly. “Yep.”

Pinkie inhaled air as if she was trying to deplete the entire apartment of oxygen. “DAN! You got me something?!” Pinkie exclaimed exuberantly. “Show me, show me, show me!” She pleaded clasping her hands together under her chin.

Dan flashed Chris a quick smile then looked back at Pinkie. “Close your eyes.”

Pinkie smiled wide with an audible squee and closed her eyes, giddily shaking with anticipation.

Dan grabbed her wrist and gently led her into the bedroom, Chris and Elise followed.

Dan led Pinkie towards the sliding door of the closet, her weapons neatly stacked against the wall on the side.

“Alright, open them.” Pinkie did as commanded and stared blankly at the closet door in front of her.

Dan chuckled. “You need to open the door, you nimrod.”

“Oh, right… I knew that…” Pinkie said, extending a pink, nail polished hand towards the round, metal indent that served as the closet handle and pulling the door aside.

Pinkie clasped a hand to her mouth as she gasped loudly, looking at her own reflection.

Dan smiled wide to himself as he watched Pinkie slowly move a hand towards the mirror’s frame, and gently slid her hand up the silver lining, lightly touching the butterfly at the top. Tears began to form in her eyes.

Dan frowned.

Uh-oh, she’s crying.

I screwed up.

Stupid, Stupid! A mirror?! What were you thinking?!

I knewI should have gotten her that flame-thrower!

“Da…Dan?” Pinkie choked out.

“Uh…It’s fine Pinkie, you’re real present is…is…” Dan’s attempt to find an excuse was foiled as Pinkie quickly turned, wrapped her arms around him, and buried her wet eyes in his shirt.

“Uh…” Dan responded, not sure what was going on at this point.

Pinkie looked into Dan’s green eyes with teary, sky-blue eyes and gave him a happy smile. “Dan…this is…this is the nicest, most thoughtful, best preset anyone has got me EVER!”

Dan breathed a sigh of relief. “Glad you like it.”

“Like it?!” Pinkie exclaimed breaking the hug to hold Dan at arm’s length. “I love it!” She announced.

 Pinkie slowly moved her head closer to Dan’s and pursed her lips.

Dan closed his eyes and did the same.

Elise giggled and elbowed her husband lightly in the ribs.

Pinkie blushed and stopped, remembering Dan and her had an audience. She cleared her throat.

Dan opened his eyes. “What?” He looked past Pinkie catching Chris and Elise’s reflection. “Oh.” He turned and fixed the two of them with an irritated gaze.

Chris held up his hands defensively. “It’s okay, we can give you two a moment… Right, honey?” Chris said looking down at his wife.

Elise sighed disappointedly. “Uh…I mean, of course!” She said with a slightly nervous smile.

Dan merely grumbled. “It’s okay, with our luck, a rabid wolverine from space would fly into the window and start attacking us with psychic beams.” He mused.

“Shhhhh!” Pinkie said, waving her hands in front of her. “Don’t give him ideas!”

Dan cocked an eyebrow at her. “Give who ideas?”

Pinkie waved a dismissive hand, “Never mind.” She looked towards Chris and Elise. “Alright, gang! I’d say this party could use a little conga line and a lot of music!” She announced.

Dan shimmed behind Pinkie and placed his hands on her hips. “Alright, birthday girl, lead the way to the stereo.”

Chris and Elise chuckled as Chris placed his hands on Dan’s hips and Elise placed hers on Chris’s.

Pinkie gleefully led the small train of people out of the bedroom.

***

“Bye, Chris! Bye, Elise!” Pinkie said out the apartment door into the night as she waved. “Thanks again for all the great gifts and the ice-cream cake!”

“Bye, Pinkie!” Elise called back. “See you soon!”

Pinkie closed the door and grinned at her roommate who was sitting on the couch; already getting use out of the new coffee table by resting his feet.

“So...” Dan began. “I’m guessing you want to look at that stupid looking pet of yours through a much larger mirror.”

Pinkie’s smile widened. “He can wait just another minute.”

“Oh? What did you hav...AH!” Dan exclaimed in alarm as Pinkie got a running start towards the couch, jumped over the coffee table, pounced on top of him, pinned him to the couch and began raining kisses all over his cheeks and forehead.

 “Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!”

“Pinkie, you goofball,” Dan said chuckling, “you don’t need to actually say ‘Mwah’” each time.”

Pinkie giggled. “I know, Dan. Oh! One more…”

Dan paused as Pinkie positioned her face over his. For a second, he thought she was going to kiss him on the lips. Instead, Pinkie leaned down and planted a kiss on his nose.

“Mwah!” Pinkie snickered. “Heheh, all right! All done!” She announced rolling off of Dan, off the couch, and onto her feet. She bounded over to the side of the couch and leaned down to pick up her pink bag that was propped against the couch. She reached and pulled out her compact mirror, set her bag down on the coffee table shelf, reached over to grab Dan’s wrist, helped him up, then walked into the bedroom, Dan in tow.

Pinkie sat on the edge of the bed, and Dan sat next to her as she opened the compact mirror.

She was greeted by the sight of Twilight’s library decorated with balloons, streamers, a large banner that read ‘Happy Birthday, Pinkie!’, a smaller banner that read ‘Happy Day After Your Birthday, Gummy’, her friends happily chatting and milling about, and Gummy wearing a part hat sitting on a snack table.

Twilight turned to the mirror, noticing Pinkie’s happy face. “Happy Birthday, Pinkie!” She said cheerfully.

The other four ponies present and baby dragon likewise turned and wished Pinkie a happy birthday.

Pinkie beamed at her friends. “Thanks, everypony!” She grinned excitedly. “You’ll never believe what Dan got me!”

Twilight chuckled. “Does it explode or shoot fire?”

Pinkie giggled. “Nope!”

“You’re right, I don’t believe it.” Twilight said with a grin.

Dan leaned over into view of the mirror. “That was, ‘plan b’, however.” He said with a wry grin.

The ponies and dragon shared a laugh.

“Of course it was.” Twilight commented.

“Lookie, lookie!” Pinkie exclaimed. She quickly turned the compact mirror to face the large, full length mirror sitting in her closet.

A chorus of “ooh”s and “aah”s erupted from the mirror.

“Dan! It’s gorgeous!” Rarity exclaimed.

“Nice going, bro!” Spike said.

“Pretty…” Fluttershy murmured.

“Heh, pretty cool.” Rainbow Dash remarked.

“Nice going, partner.” Applejack added.

“…” Responded Gummy.

“Beautiful and practical!” Twilight commented. “Just one sec...”

There was a flash of purple light from the compact and then another from the larger mirror. Soon the party was in full view of Dan and Pinkie from the large mirror in the open closet.

“Wow! Awesome!” Spike commented.

Pinkie clapped her hands excitedly. “This is great! I can see you all so much better now!” She sat down the compact mirror she was holding and held up her palms. “And look! No hands!” Pinkie said giggling.

Rainbow Dash held up her hoofs. “Oh, like not having hands is such a big deal!” She commented with a smile.

Dan rolled his eyes as everyone else joined in laughter.

“Come on, everypony!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Three cheers for Dan!”

Dan grinned wide and held his arms out wide as he basked in the cheers of “Hip-Hip-Hurray!”

“I am pretty great!” Dan responded.

“And modest, too!” Rarity joked.

Twilight chuckled. “See Dan! See how well everything works when you think of someone else, for a change?”

Dan paused, “I…” He trailed off and his eyes became distant and unfocused.

Everyone else went silent and looked at Dan.

“Dan, sweetie, is something the matter?” Rarity asked.

Dan snapped his attention to the white unicorn. “Uh…No, nothing, Rarity. I’m fine.”  Dan responded, devoid of tone.

Everyone else’s expressions turned concerned.

Pinkie turned to stare at Dan who was managing one heck of a poker face.

Dan’s neveractually called Rarity by name before! Did Twilight’s comment really upset him thatmuch?

“Hey guys, I think I need some air.” Dan commented. “If you’ll excuse me…”

Everyone followed Dan with their eyes as he hopped off the edge of the bed and walked out of the room.

Twilight grimaced as she suddenly felt every eye on the room draw towards her. “Was it something I said?”

“Well, ya could have been a might nicer, there.” Applejack commented.

“I didn’t mean anything! I’ve never known Dan to be so sensitive!” Twilight insisted. “Here! Let me go tal…” Twilight walked forward and banged her head on the glass in front of her. “Ow!”

There was some light chuckling from the occupants of the library. Pinkie continued to look out the bedroom entrance with concern.

“Twilight, it’s a mirror not a portal.” Spike reminded.

Twilight rubbed a forehoof under her horn. “I knew that. It’s just…much better looking now. Pinkie?”

Pinkie turned back to the mirror. “Yes, Twilight?”

“Could you please go apologize for me? It was a very nice gift and I shouldn’t have made fun of him for it.” Twilight admitted.

Pinkie smiled weakly. “Of course, Twilight! I’ll bring him right back!” Pinkie declared.

*

Dan sat motionless as he rested his arms against the apartment walkway railing and stared out into the empty Van Nuys night. The apartment door opened behind him. He didn’t look back or shift from his position.

“Phew!” Pinkie said. “I thought you were going to make me chase you through the neighborhood streets to find you.” She commented.

“…”

“Uh…because…you know…that’s what I made you do…that one time…” Pinkie explained.

“…”

“Uh, Dan? Look…Twilight says she’s really sorry about what she said to you…”

Dan sighed. “Why? She’s right…or wrong, I guess.”

Pinkie walked up to the railing, also rested her arms against it, and looked over at Dan. “Well? Is she right or wrong? Which one is it?” She asked squeakily.

“She’s right that I’ve never thought of anyone else…well…mostly right anyhow; and she’s wrong that I was thinking of someone else this time around.” Dan stated.

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You can’t possibly expect me to believe that you got me that beautiful mirror so I could talk to my friends better for yourself! There’s just no way that can be true!”

Dan turned to Pinkie. “But it is true! Even me getting a job at the bakery was just so I could get you that mirror!”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed, again. “DAN! You got a job and suffered all that time just so you could get me a wonderful gift?!” Pinkie’s expression went from perplexed to some, new, previously undiscovered level of confused never before seen by man or pony. “I know I haven’t been on this world all that long, but how the hay could that be considered thinking about yourself?!”

Dan frowned. “I had ulterior motives…” He admitted.

Pinkie raised her eyebrows. “Such as?”

Dan thought about this for a moment.

Because I want you to fall in love with me so you can’t possibly shoot me down if I admit I love you.

Dan shook his head and sighed. “I did it because…I”—Dan attempted to stress the word ‘I’ as much as humanly possible—“wanted to make you so happy with whatI did.”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed, for a third time. Her eyes began twitching and her face contorted in as many different directions as possible. She held up her hands in frustrated claws as her brain ran overtime trying to process how anything Dan had said to her would count as a shellfish act. “Well…mission accomplished!” She exclaimed. “I am happy with you! Dan, I’m overjoyed with you! And if I weren’t getting a headache from trying to figure out what’s wrong, I’d be the happiest girl on this planet right now!”

Dan sighed, again. “I don’t deserve to have you happy with me…” Dan said trailing off at the end. “I’m a monster. Always have been, always will be.” He turned back towards the empty sky and stared out into space.

Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan’s shoulders. “You’re not a monster! I mean…monsters are huge”—Pinkie motioned out with a hand into the air emphasizing how huge monsters where—“and shoot fire out of their mouths”—Pinkie flicked out her fingers from her face emphasizing how monsters shoot fire out their mouths—“and stuff!”

“You know what I meant.” Dan responded flatly. “I’m a horrible excuse for a human being, and I’ve lived my life raining misfortune and misery on everyone around me.”

“But…but…I know that’s not true!” Pinkie insisted.

“Maybe you just don’t know me that well…” Dan commented.

“I’ve lived with you for several months now and I’m almost always with you!” Pinkie pointed out. “I’m pretty sure I know you pretty darn well at this point. Dan…” Pinkie put her hands on Dan’s cheeks and gently turned his head to face her. “No one has ever been as nice to me as you have!” Pinkie insisted.

“Or as awful.” Dan added.

“Hey,” Pinkie’s expression softened, “but you made up for it.” She insisted, smiling softly with tears in her eyes. “You more than made up for it! Anything bad you’ve done is completely overshadowed by all the good you’ve done.” Pinkie smile widened. “Here…I’ll prove it.” Pinkie closed her eyes, pursed her lips, and moved her face closer to Dan.

Pinkie felt a hand lightly touch her lips and Dan break away from her hold as he turned away. “I can’t…I’m sorry…” Dan walked away towards the apartment stairs.

He stopped dead in his tracks as a sound shattered the silence and stabbed him directly in the heart. It was a sound he had only heard once before; a particular sound not dissimilar to a balloon quickly deflating, but this time mixed with tortured sobs and wailing.

Dan turned to face Pinkie as tears streamed down her cheeks and dripped off her chin. She whimpered and sobbed and looked at him with glassy, pleading eyes.

Dan shook his head and walked back to Pinkie.

I can’tjust leave her like this…

“Pinkie…I’m sorry…you’re right, I’m being an idiot.” Dan said softly.

“Sob…sniff…Really?!” Pinkie responded, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Yeah, look…I’ll go back in there and tell Twilight I accept her apology.”

“Really?!” Pinkie exclaimed, smiling through her tears.

“Really.” Dan answered. He closed the distance between the two to a few inches. “No, stop wailing, crybaby.” He said before planting a kiss on her cheek.

Pinkie’s hair exploded out in all direction as she wrapped her arms around Dan and tackled him to the ground. Dan’s back cracking at the tight squeeze.

“Ow.” Dan exclaimed from his position on the ground.

Pinkie pushed herself up and looked down at Dan with happy, tear filled eyes. “Thank you, Dan.” She grinned. “But you can just insult Twilight instead, if you want.”

Dan chuckled and rose to his feet, pulling Pinkie up with him. “I don’t think that’s necessary…”

“Ooo! Ooo! You can accept her apology and insult her!” Pinkie suggested.

“You know what?” Dan said. “Okay, yeah, let’s go with that.”

“Yay!”

*

“What’s taking them so long?!” Twilight exclaimed impatiently.

“Oh, I’m sure everything is fine.” Fluttershy assured softly, patting Twilight’s back supportively.

Twilight’s ears shot up into points as she grabbed the yellow pegasus’s face in her forehoves and turned it to face her. “No! Everything is not fine! If I upset Dan, that means I upset Pinkie! And if I upset Pinkie, then she won’t have a happy birthday party! And if she doesn’t have a happy birthday party, it’ll be all my fault and I’ll never forgive myself!” Twilight declared.

“Wow, and I thought Prissy was a drama queen.”

The ponies and dragon turned with an excited. “Dan!”

“Hey eyesores.” Dan responded, waving at the mirror as Pinkie happily walked into view of the mirror.

Dan turned and looked at Twilight. “Hey Sparkler, I accept your apology.”

Twilight let go of Fluttershy and breathed a big sigh of relief, as she rested her hooves back on the ground and her ears relaxed.

“Also, you’re purple color scheme is repulsive and I hate you.” Dan added.

Twilight paused with a confused expression and soon began laughing as everyone else joined her.

“Alright, everypony! Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get this party started!” Pinkie declared dashing out of the room.

Soon the apartment was full of the noises of electric guitars, bass guitars, and drums.

“Eep!” Fluttershy exclaimed, diving for cover under a chair.

Rarity and Applejack smiled and rolled their eyes.

“Heck, yes!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed excitedly.

“Oh yeah! Rock on!” Spike declared.

Twilight wordlessly began jerking her limbs, wings, and even tongue out randomly, completely out of sync with the music with a happy grin on her face.

“Dan! Dan!” Pinkie said excitedly, running back into the room. “Dance with me!”

Dan smiled as Pinkie grabbed his hand and jerked him onto his feet. The two began rhythmically moving their bodies to the loud, speedy music playing from the stereo.

***

“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie asked in the darkness, bare arms wrapped around her pajama clad body as she stared into Dan’s chest.

“Yes, Pinkie?” Dan responded.

“You awake?”

“…Have you entered some sort of ‘Dumbest Question Ever’ competition I’m unaware of?” Dan responded.

Pinkie giggled. “No…but… are you still thinking about what Twilight said?” Pinkie asked looking up towards Dan’s face.

Dan looked down at her. “No…well…sorta…I guess…” He admitted.

“Dan…” Pinkie began softly as she lifted a slim hand to place on Dan’s cheek. “I just wanted to let you know…It doesn’t matter to me what you’ve done, or who you used to be… All I care about is that you’re here with me, and you make me happy. Happier than I’ve ever been…Happier than I thought possible…” Pinkie smiled. “So…Feel better, please?”

Dan smiled softly at the pink haired girl in his arms. “Alright, Pinkie. That does make me feel better.” Dan tightened his grip on Pinkie, drawing her into his chest.

Pinkie returned the hug. “Good, that makes me…”

“Happy?” Dan suggested with a chuckle.

Pinkie giggled. “Yeah…I feel…so…yawn…happy…and warm…and…light…zzzzzzzz…”

Dan lightly patted the mop of pink hair attached the woman resting against him as he stared into the darkness of the bedroom

‘What I’ve done,’ eh?

Well…maybe we should find out just how true that is…

Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 64: Pinkie Vs. Vamparty

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week  Chapter 64: Pinkie Vs. Vamparty

*****

 Becky struggled vainly in the grip of the two vampires, attempting to twist her arms out of there vice-like grasps.

“Now calm down, girly.” The one in the leather jacket said. “This will be a lot easier on you if you don’t resist.”

The female vampire chuckled. “We can always go ahead and make it painful anyways.”

“Hey, guys.” The third vampire spoke up. “Wasn’t she talking to some…”

‘Shhhlltheeenk’

The vampire suddenly found completing his sentence or even talking difficult given that a silvered katana blade had just sliced neatly through his neck.

Ninja Dave silently hit the ground, landing neatly on his feet and one hand, the other having drawn his katana on the way to the ground. His glasses has been removed as had the hood to his nun’s habit.

The beheaded vampire’s entire body sparked brightly as if it had been lit aflame and quickly reduced to a pile of ash that littered the cavern floor.

Startled the two vampire’s loosened their grip on Becky.

“Hey, what the he…” ‘Shshshshsh’ “AHHHHHHHH!” The male vampire screamed as his chin began to smoke from contact with holy water.

“Where did you…” ‘Thopthopthop’ “AIEEEEEEEEEEE!” The female vampire screeched as silver pellets pierced the fleshy skin behind her chin.

Becky wasted no time and taking advantage of her would be assailants distracted state, having reached for the two boxy guns in her cassock and firing them point blank. She easily escaped their grasp and rushed towards Ninja Dave.

“Where did you go?” Becky asked with a mild hint of irritation in her voice as she leveled her weapons at the vampires.

“Up.” Ninja Dave replied simply.

“You’re going to pay, for that girly…” The remaining male vampire growled out.

“Boy or girl?” Ninja Dave asked Becky as he nodded towards the vampires.

The female vampire spit out number of pellets, wafts of smoke came out of her mouth. “I’m gonna bleed you dry, you ugly waste of flesh.” She growled out in a now, somewhat gravelly voice.

The male vampire looked over Dave’s attire. “Dude, are you wearing a dress?”

“Girl.” Becky answered.

“Boy.” Dave said simultaneously.

Becky leveled her weapons at the female vampire as Dave charged forward, holding his katana blade pointed behind him.

**

“Rock goes up!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she pulled on a one of the lamps.

A taunt chin retracted up into the ceiling, dragging up a large, rectangular carved, spiked rock with it.

‘Chinkchinkchinkchinkchinkchink’

Mr. Mumbles perched on Pinkie’s shoulder, watching the rock retract back up into the ceiling.

“Rock goes down!” Pinkie said as she pulled another lamp.

‘THWOMP!’

“Rock goes up!”

‘Chinkchinkchinkchinkchinkchink’

“Rock goes down!”

‘THWOMP!’

“Rock goes up!”

‘Chinkchinkchinkchinkchinkchink’

“What’s that crate doing on that wagon?”

“Eeeeek!” Pinkie cried in alarm, grabbing the wagon holding Cratey, quickly positioning it, and pulling the tiny lever attached to the small catapult inside.

‘TOING!’

Cratey flew from his position on the wagon, on a collision course for the unknown voice.

“Oh no! That crate is coming right for us!”

‘POW!’

“Ahh! I just got hit by a crate covered in silver wire and it burns!”

A man with slicked back, jet black hair, dressed in black denim pants and a button up black shirt sighed. “Ed, you are without a doubt the worst vampire. ever!”

“Whoops!” Pinkie exclaimed looking over the group of darkly clothed individuals and ‘Ed’ who wore a light-blue button up shirt, and writhed in pain from under Cratey. “Sorry!” Pinkie offered.

“Pffft…whatever.” The female of the group said dismissively, as she flicked out a bit of her long, blond hair out with her hand. “No one likes Ed.”

“Aw, come on guys!” Ed said, wincing as he pushed the crate off of him, his hand smoking slightly from contact with the silver wire as he did. “Vampire solidarity!”

“Shup UP, Ed!” A male vampire with long brown hair cried, dressed in a long, black leather duster. “No one likes your stupid” –The vampire rolled his eyes and air quoted—“‘vampire solidarity’ nonsense.”

“Hey! You guys shouldn’t be so mean to him!” Pinkie insisted.

“Lady, you don’t even know him!” The male vampire dressed all in black said. “And you’re better for it!” He insisted, pointing an assertive index finger at Pinkie.

“That’s cold, Steve.” Ed said, his once flawless, granite skin now sporting several reddish black lines across his face.

“Du’h Ed! I’m a vampire!” Steve replied. “We’re supposed to be cold!”

“Still, doesn’t mean we have to be hostile to one another.” Ed argued as he stood up.

The female vampire folder her arms across her charcoal colored blouse. “Ed, you’re just horrible, you’re lucky the boss thinks your abilities might be useful or someone would have staked you long ago.”

Pinkie walked over towards the group and put a sympathetic hand on Ed’s shoulder. “Awww, leave him alone! I’m sure he’s trying the best he can!”

Ed grasped Pinkie’s hand with both of his and looked deep into her sky-blue eyes with his liquid, golden topaz eyes. “Thank you, but I’m afraid the tragic nature of my condition must mean you and I cannot be together.”

Steve sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “Oh, here we go…”

The other two vampires, likewise made similar signs of irritation and disgust.

Pinkie gave Ed a blank stare. “Uh…”

“No!” Ed said forcefully. “For your own good you must notfall in love me!” Ed closed his eyes, and placed the back of a hand up to his forehead for dramatic effect. “We’re just from two different worlds! And I’m afraid I’m destined to be alone!”

“Oh…Okay!” Pinkie replied cheerfully as she retracted her gloved hand.

“Huh?” Ed uttered in confusion. “But I thought…”

“Oh my GOSH, Ed.” The vampire in the leather duster exclaimed. “No woman on the planet is dumb enough to fall for your ridiculous ‘tragic figure’ shtick!”

“Whatever, James!” Ed said. “You’re just jealous because no one thinks your stupid leather jacket is cool.”

“IT’S A DUSTER!” James replied angrily. He motioned to Pinkie. “Even she’s dressed in one!”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “It’s true!”

“James’s duster might be lamer than he thinks,” The female vampire said,--

“Hey!” James protested.

--“but at least James is smart enough not to try to woo anyone with such a ridiculous song and dance.”

“But…” Ed protested, “but, I’m impossibly handsome to the point of being almost godlike and have perfectly quaffed bronze hair!” He whined.

“DID SOMEONE SAY RIDICULOUS SONG AND DANCE?!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“…What?” Steve uttered.

“Ooooh! Here in this creepy cave”

“I just made some brand new friends!”

“Now let’s party from the grave”

“And let this shindig beeegiiin!”

Pinkie enthusiastically wrapped her arms around the four vampires who grunted out a trio of pained replies with Ed seemingly enjoying the contact.

“Merrow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed from Pinkie’s shoulder.

“ULGHK!” The female vampire exclaimed in a pained tone. “Lady, what the heck! It’s like you’re wrapped in pure unpleasantness!”

“Awww, come on, Sarah!” Ed exclaimed. “Just enjoy the feeling of vampire togetherness!”

“It’s Mahalath.” Sarah replied angrily.

“Cough…cough…Sarah,” Steve choked out, “No one…ulgh…thinks your ridiculous made up name is cool.”

“IT’S A SUCCUBI!” Sarah insisted.  “It’s from…cough…Kabbalah!” She said forcefully. “Read a book, STEVE!”

“NO ONE WANTS TO READ YOUR STUPID NEW AGE GARBAGE!” Steve shouted back.

“IT’S NOT NEW AGE, IT’S JEWISH LORE!” Sarah screamed in reply. “AND AT LEAST I CAN DRESS IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN BLACK!”

“BLACK IS SLIMMING!” Steve shot back.

“Cough…WHY ARE WE STILL LETTING HER HUG US?!” James demanded.

“Shhh,” Ed whispered quietly, “just let the good vibes flow through you...”

“THE GOOD VIBES FEEL LIKE PAIN AND SICKNESS!” James insisted.

Pinkie broke her hug and began gently patting James’s cheek.

‘Pap’

‘Pap’

“Shush, shush,” Pinkie whispered quietly, “just let the negativity flow out of you…”

“HURCK!” James grunted out a sickened sound has his eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed into a heap on the floor.

“Oh no!” Pinkie cried. She leaned down and began to gently shake James. “Are you alright?”

James began to foam at the mouth in reply.

The remaining standing vampires looked at the scene in front of them in concern.

“Huddle up crew.” Steve commanded.

Ed and Sarah joined him in a three vampire huddle.

“Alright, apparently none of us can touch her without feeling ill…” Steve began.

“I can!” Ed said happily.

“Shut up, Ed.” Steve said as he quickly shot Ed a glare. “I’m going to get backup while you two keep her distracted.”

“What?! Why do I get stuck with the crazy woman and Ed?!” Sarah protested.

“Because…BECAUSE!” Steve insisted.

“Hey! What are we talking about?” Pinkie asked, somehow having added herself to the huddle in between Steve and Sarah.

“Mew?”

Steve and Sarah recoiled from Pinkie’s touch.

“Uh,” Sarah uttered, “we…were…erm”

Steve slowly backed away and mouthed ‘party’ to Sarah.

“We were just talking about how awesome our vamparty is going to be!” Sarah said, grinning nervously.

I can’t believe I just said that out loud…

Pinkie gasped loudly. “VAMPARTY?! Now you’re talking my language!” Pinkie leaned in close to Sarah. “My language is the language of party.” Pinkie explained quietly.

Sarah shuddered at the near contact. “Uhhh…I got that…”

“LET’S GET THIS ROCKING PARTY STARTED WITH A ROCK!” Pinkie declared as she pulled on one of the lamps.

‘THWOMP!’

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Pinkie, Sarah, and Ed all turned towards the loud noise and scream to see Steve flailing from under the large, spiked rock.

Sarah and Ed gawked, while Pinkie went for the other lever in a slight panic.

“I CAN FIX THIS!” Pinkie insisted.

‘Chinkchinkchinkchinkchinkchink’

Pinkie rushed over to the fallen Vampire.

“Are you okay? Anything broken?” Pinkie asked as she reached for Steve’s hands.

Steve grabbed Pinkie’s hands and immediately regretted it, as waves of discomfort and sickness washed over him.

Pinkie began to tremble and looked up. “Uh-oh…” She quickly took a few large steps beck.

‘THWOMP!’

“WHY?!” Steve cried out.

“Wasn’t me!” Pinkie insisted as she held up her hands.

Sarah and Ed began laughing as they stood near the lamp that caused the rock to fall.

Pinkie pouted. “Guys, that’s not funny! He could be really hurt.”

“It’s okay!” Sarah insisted. “He’s a vampire! This can’t kill him…”

‘Chinkchinkchinkchinkchinkchink’

“Oh…well…I guess that makes sense…” Pinkie said, glancing towards the rim of her hat briefly.

‘THWOMP!’

“ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU GUYS ARE WADS!”

Sarah and Ed merely laughed harder in response to the vampire’s pain.

Pinkie quickly zipped over and placed her hands over Sarah’s. “Now, I think that’s enough rocky fun…”

“Hulrk…” Sarah grunted as she puffed out her cheeks. “Uh, yeah…sure…” She responded retracting her hand.

“Oooo! I know what we can do that is fun!” Pinkie declared. She quickly set back up the wagon, Cratey, and Mr. Mumbles.

“Hit it, Mr. Mumbles!” Pinkie commanded.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles began to bat at the wall once again, causing the lights to flicker.

“VAMPARTY RAVE!” Pinkie declared as she rushed over to Sarah and grabbed her hands, pulling her out towards the center of the open tunnel.

“NO! Wait…” Sarah pleaded.

*soon*

‘THUMP’

Sarah collapsed to the ground in a heap.

“Whoops! Guess I partied a little hard there…” Pinkie mused, looking over the downed female vampire.

“Uh…she’ll be fine…” Ed said. “Probably,” he added. “Hey! I have an idea, why don’t I show you to the whole gang!” Ed said in an excited tone.

Pinkie gasped. “So we can have an even BIGGER vamparty!?”

Ed nodded. “Absolutely!” Ed reached out and grasped Pinkie’s hands as he walked her down the tunnel. “Let’s go!”

Pinkie quickly grabbed the wagon’s handle as she began walking with Ed. “Yay!” She exclaimed. “Now please let go of my hand.” She added.

Ed awkwardly let go of the hand he was holding. “Erm…sorry…”

**

‘Thopthopthop…’

Becky rapidly depressed the trigger on her pellet gun while spraying a jet of holy water out with her squirt gun.

Her opponent, ducked and weaved, covering her face as she approached Becky, still taking several silver pellets to the arms which began to smoke on contact with her skin.

‘Sshhwosh’ ‘Sshhwosh’

Dave took a couple of swings at his opponent who dodged to the side of each one. “Heh, you’re fast for a human, but not fast enough.”

‘Thunk!’

The vampire looked up at the shuriken now imbedded in his forehead.

“Hey! Nice aim, but you need silv…”

‘Shhhllllshh’

“GRAAAA!”

The vampire recoiled as Dave’s katana cut shallowly through his abdomen.

“You talk a lot for a guy in a fight.” Dave commented.

The female vampire got within striking distance of Becky. She swiped out her hand and easily batted the pellet gun away, then followed this up by grasping Becky’s shoulder hard. She pulled her free hand back in preparation to strike at Becky.

Becky quickly moved her squirt gun into position and shot one more stream of holy water.

“AHHHEEEEK!” The vampire shrieked as her hand began smoke, hitting holy water before she could thrust her fingers into Becky’s flesh. Instead she slammed clumsily into Becky, taking both girls to the ground.

Becky’s squirt gun clattered to the ground and slid on tunnel floor out of reach.

“Alright, girly man.” The male vampire uttered out with a smirk. “Time to show you just how fast a vampire can be.”

Dave paused as his target suddenly became a blur that escaped his field of vision.

The vampire suddenly appeared behind Dave, reaching out hands for the ninja’s neck.

“Got you”--‘Shhlllonthg!’—“Hughk…” The vampire grunted.

Dave sighed glancing behind him as he withdrew his katana from the Vampire’s chest. “Behind, dude? Seriously? Really creative there!” Dave said sarcastically.

Dave turned to face his opponent who dropped to his knees.

The female vampire’s eyes widened hungrily as she held Becky down with her weight. “Time to die!” She announced as she opened her fanged mouth wide.

Becky quickly dove her hand into her satchel, then pulled it out, positioning it in between her attacker as the vampire lunged forth.

‘Thhulorch!’

Becky grinned. “Big Mistake!”

The vampire looked down at the stake in her chest as Becky shimmed out from under.

“I hate you sooo much!” The vampire hissed.

“WAIT!” The remaining vampire pleaded as Dave raised his sword. “If you kill me, you two will never find a way out of here!”

Dave glanced at Becky and her opponent as the later sparked and turned to ash.

“I think we’ll manage.” He answered as he swung his sword neatly through the vampire’s neck.

‘Shhhlltheeenk’

Dave turned towards Becky as the vampire corpse behind him turned to ash. “Alright, I admit it, you are tougher than you look.”

Becky looked up at Dave with a shocked expression on her face.

“Uh…are you okay? Oh, geez…I guess this is your first time killing someone…” Dave said with a tone of concern in his voice.

“WE’RE REAL LIFE VAMPIRE HUNTERS, DUDE!” Becky said enthusiastically as she jumped to her feet.

Dave breathed a sigh of relief. “Yeah, I guess we…” Dave was interrupted as Becky leapt at him without warning, wrapping her arms around him and pushing her lips against his.

Dave froze, still holding onto his katana in one hand, unsure of what, if anything, he should be doing.

Becky opened her eyes wide and retracted her lips and hands. “Uh…sorry…erm…just…just got caught up in the moment.”  She explained.

Dave chuckled nervously. “Heh, right…it’s all good.” He replied.

The pair of vampire hunters sheepishly avoided eye contact.

“We should…” Becky said trailing off.

“…Find Pinkie?” Dave suggested.

Becky turned to face Dave. “Right! Totally! We should totally do that!”

Dave nodded. “Totally.” He agreed, sheathing his katana.

Dave and Becky began to continue their journey down the dimly lit tunnel in awkward silence.

“…”

“…”

“………”

“………”

“So uh…” Dave began breaking the silence.

“Ummm-hmmm!?” Becky replied a little too enthusiastically, looking up at Dave.

“Er…I was thinking…after we meet up with Dan and Pinkie and they get back their game system, maybe you and I can..?”

Becky began to grin. “Ummmmmm-hmmmmmmmm!?”

‘Click’

“Uh-oh…” Becky uttered as she looked down at her foot, and more importantly, the rock that had just clicked underneath it.

The ground opened up beneath Becky and Dave, and they fell into the darkness below.

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 80: Chris & Elise Vs. Reveal

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 80: Chris & Elise Vs. Reveal -ooooooo-

“So… what do you think it is this time?” Chris asked from the driver’s seat of his wife and his car.

The bright California sun beat down on the blue sedan as Chris drove past adobe homes.

Elise merely shrugged and looked out the window at the passing palm trees that lined the road, “It’s not like strange phone calls from Dan bereft of explanation are rare.”

“Well, he asked for both of us,” Chris said as he raised a hand off the steering wheel and held it palm up, “that’s a little different.”

“Less so since Pinkie’s been around,” Elise pointed out, “though his requesting of my presence usually sounds a little more reluctant.”

“See! Weird,” Chris asserted, “he straight up asked for the both of us and wouldn’t tell us what it was about.”

“Well…I mean, that probably rules out just going out for lunch and any other number of mundane activities,” Elise mused. “But that just leaves us with the weird… and there’s a lot of weird that we could be asked to deal with.” Elise paused, “You said Pinkie was sick, right?”

Chris shrugged, “I thought she was, but I talked to her over the phone last night. She didn’t exactly sound like she was a little hoarse or anything. She just seemed normal…I mean, by Pinkie Pie standards.”

Elise nodded, “Of course.”

Chris parked the blue sedan in front of Casa Paradiso and stopped the car. “Maybe they want us to fight a giant monster or a horde of monsters…” Chris said as he and Elise exited the car, “… or a horde of giant monsters.”

“Well, Dan didn’t say to bring any weapons,” Elise reasoned as they walked towards the apartment complex steps.

“Dan also knows you carry enough weapons on you to arm a third world nation,” Chris replied.

“Good Point,” Elise said as the couple made their way up the stairs, “not to mention Pinkie and Dan seemed to have started their own little armory.”

Chris sighed, “I miss the days when Dan didn’t have quick access to firearms.”

“Well, he does live next to a shooting range,” Elise pointed out.

“Yeah, but I always figured he was more likely to blow it up then to borrow anything from it,” Chris said as he reached for the doorknob to apartment ‘8’.

“Chris, wait!”

Chris paused, his hand millimeters from the doorknob, “What?”

Elise looked over the apartment carefully, “The blinds are all drawn. The ones on the side of the apartment too, I noticed it when I we drove up.”

“Yeah… so?” Chris asked.

“It could be a trap,” Elise suggested.

“Uh, for us?” Chris asked.

“More likely for me,” Elise replied.

“Oh for crying out loud, you self-important, glorified, government, garbage lady,” Dan shouted from inside the apartment, “it’s nota trap!”

“Dan?” Elise called. “Where’s Pinkie?!”

“I’m in here!” a familiar cheery voice called out. “It’s fine! It’s not a trap!”

“How do I know you’re not being force to say these things at gunpoint!?” Elise demanded.

“Because Pinkie sucksat lying,” Dan pointed out.

“It’s true! It’s kinda my Chiles's veal!” Pinkie shouted.

“I told you just last night that it was ‘Achilles’ eel’!” Dan shouted.

“And I told YOU it was ‘heel’!” Chris shouted.

“Oh…right…” Dan and Pinkie said in unison.

Elise smiled and shook her head, “It’s fine.”

Chris cocked his head towards his wife, “You sure?”

“I sincerely doubt there’s any paramilitary or organized crime family that has anyone who could put up being stuck with those two in their tiny apartment for almost any length of time,” Elise pointed.

“You see!” Dan shouted. “Hey! Wait-a-minute!”

“See Dan!” Pinkie said. “Sometimes it paysto be annoying!”

“Chris, would you please tell your cow to shut up and just open the door?!” Dan demanded.

“DID YOU JUST CALL ME A COW?!” Elise yelled.

“Well sure, I mean, isn’t that what they call it when one gets married? Buying the cow?” Dan asked.

Elise pushed Chris out of the way and erupted in an angry growl, “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRROAAAAR! I’LL DESTROY YOU!” She threw open the door and stepped into the apartment.

Chris quickly followed his wife, “Elise, wait! Don’t kill…”

The couple’s eyes shot open wide as their lower jaws both unhinged from their mouths.

‘Click.’

Dan stared at the pink camera in his hand and smiled, “Oh that’s going on the wall, for sure…”

“OH MY GOSH?! YOU’RE REALLY A PONY?!” Chris and Elise cried.

“YES! SHE’S (I’M) A PONY!” Dan and Pinkie replied.

Chris’s eyelids twitched a bit as his eyes rolled back into his head. He quickly lost consciousness and fell backwards with a loud ‘Thump!’

Dan sighed. “Who saw that one coming?” he asked while raising his hand.

“I sure did!” Pinkie said happily as she raised a forehoof.

“Merow,” Mr. Mumbles mewed as she raised a paw.

The three apartment dwellers stared at Elise who continued to gawk at Pinkie.

“Uh, hey Cow, could you close the door? We kinda don’t want the world to know Pinkie is actually a pony,” Dan said.

“Oh… right…” Elise uttered. She dragged her unconscious husband inside, closed the door, and turned back towards Pinkie.

“Wow, you’re… still a pony…” Elise said.

Pinkie looked down at her forelegs and turned to look at her fluffy, pink, curly tail. “Yep,” she confirmed.

“Yes, Pinkie’s a pony, oh wow, great…” Dan said in a mocking, high pitched tone. He leveled an index finger at Elise, “but you can’t tell ANYONE!”

Elise nodded, “Just so long as you don’t tell anyone about what I’m about to do.”

Pinkie and Dan both raised an eyebrow and looked at eachother, then turned back to Elise.

“Don’t worry Elise,” Pinkie said, “you’re secret is safe with us!”

Elise nodded, “Thanks Pinkie… alright… here it goes…” Elise took a deep breath, raised her palms to her cheeks, and emitted what would go down in in history as one of the girliest shrieks ever to come out from an adult woman, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OHMYGOSH! MY BEST FRIEND IS A TALKING PINK PONY! THIS IS SO AWESOME! THIS IS SO UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME! THIS IS JUST LIKE ALL MY CHILDHOOD DREAMS COMING TRUE ALL AT ONCE!”

Pinkie smiled, “She’s taking this well.”

Dan crossed his arms, “Hmmph, a little too well…”

Elise continued, “Can I brush your mane?! Oh PLEASE say I can brush your mane!”  she begged as she clasped her hands together.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “No!” he replied sternly

“Dan, Elise is my friend and she can brush my mane if she wants,” Pinkie replied.

“But that’s my thing!” Dan whined.

“No fair!” Elise cried as she pointed to Dan. “You’re hogging all the mane brushing for yourself!”

“Yes, because she’s my girlfriend!” Dan pointed out.

“Well, your girlfriend is now a pony! All bets are off,” Elise insisted as she quickly crossed her arms in front of her. “Besides! It’s not like you would have cared if I brushed her hair when she was a human!”

Pinkie looked up at Dan, “She’s got a point, you never once tried to brush my hair when I was human. The closest you got there was trying to shave my hair off…”

Dan’s face turned pensive, “Erm…”

“With a big electric razor,” Pinkie reminded.

“Uh…”

“The caught FIRE in my hair when it got stuck!”

Dan went silent and pursed his lips as he sensed he had lost the conversation. “…Fine, when you’re human again, I’ll brush your hair,” he mumbled out.

“Yay!” Pinkie cried happily, “Elise still gets to brush my mane, though.”

“Yay!” Elise cried.

“…Fine!” Dan growled out through clenched teeth.

“So… is this what you wanted to show us? This totally awesome occurrence of Pinkie being a real, live, talking pony?!” Elise asked.

“Sorta…” Pinkie began.

“Now listen here,” Dan began, “you’re here for one reason and one reason only! You need to change Pinkie back to being human!”

“Human?” Elise asked. “Why the heck would you want to be changed back to being human?!”

Dan and Pinkie raised their eyebrows and exchanged looks, then looked back to Elise. “Seriously?” they asked in unison.

Elise paused and looked back and forth between the couple, “Oooooh… riiiight… awkward~!” she sang out. “Oh! Idea! I change Dan into a talking pony.”

Pinkie’s eyes shot open wide and her glassy, sky-blue irises quickly gave way to a wild, hungry look, “Love it! Let’s do it!”

“No you duffus,” Dan replied, “if we’re both ponies than neither of us can go out and get food!”

“Oh… ah… right…” Pinkie said as disappointed waged a brutal campaign across her face.

“It’s alright!” Elise insisted. “You two can live with us!”

Dan and Pinkie put on worried expressions and exchanges glances, then turned back to Elise.

“What, like pets?!” Dan asked.

“NO! No, no, no…” Elise replied as she waved her hands in front of her defensively.

“And by ‘no’,” Pinkie began, “you mean... ‘yes’?”

Elise hung her head, slumped her shoulders and sighed, “Yeah…”

“… God, you’re sick,” Dan stated.

“HEY! I’m not the one who has a different species for a girlfriend,” Elise retorted, “so back off!”

“…Oh that is it! BRING IT, COW!” Dan cried.

“ANYTIME, LITTLE MAN!” Elise shouted.

The two quickly closed the distance between them as they gritted their teeth and glared at each other with angry eyes.

In a pink blur, Pinkie was between the two holding them apart with her forehooves, “Stop, stop, STOP! This isn’t helping!”

Dan and Elise both took a few calming breaths and relaxed their muscles.

“Sorry, Pinkie…” Elise offered, “… lost my head for a moment there…”

“It’s alright, Elise. I forgive you!” Pinkie said happily.

“Uh… look… I’ll try to turn you back to a human, just one thing…”

“Yes, Elise?” Pinkie asked.

“Would be okay if I got to… ride you? For just a little bit?”

“Oh…my…GOD, Elise!” Dan cried. “You can’t just ask if you can ride Pinkie, even if she’s a pony now.”

Pinkie turned towards her boyfriend, “It’s okay, Dan. It actually sounds fun!”

“YES!” Elise exclaimed as she pumped her fist.

“WHAT?! YOU’RE GIVING OUT FREE PONY RIDES! I WANT A PONY RIDE!” Dan whined.

“NO FAIR, I ASKED FIRST!” Elise cried.

“Now Elise,” Pinkie began, “you did, but in all fairness Dan just thought he was being polite, and I think, as my boyfriend, he gets dibs.”

“YES! IN YOUR FACE, ELISE!” Dan cried.

Elise sighed, crossed her arms, and looked away with a sullen look, “Oh, alright…”

“I know something that will make you feel better~!” Pinkie sang.

Elise’s face lit up, “Is it pony hugging?! PLEASE SAY IT’S PONY HUGGING!”

Dan knitted his brow at Elise, “Alright… you’re actually starting to creep me out at this point…”

“Even Better~!” Pinkie said. She trotted towards the bedroom and beckoned Elise to follow.

Elise wore an expression of barely restrained giddiness as Dan trudged on with a somewhat irritated expression.

Pinkie bounded up to her closet and knocked, “Are you ready, Twilight?”

“Ready.”

Elise gasped, “OH MY GOSH! THERE’S ANOTHER PONY IN THE CLOSET?!”

“Not quite,” Pinkie said. She stood on her hind legs and attempted to slide open the closet as her hooves merely slid off the door, “Ah, Dan… could you…?”

“Yeah, yeah…” Dan answered. He walked over as Pinkie stood to the side.

“Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ogmygosh…” Elise murmured over and over again.

Dan pulled open the sliding closet door revealing Pinkie’s ornate, silver framed mirror, and the smiling purple alicorn contained within.

“Hello! Elise, right? I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, and…”

“OH MY GOD! IS THAT A UNICORN WITH WINGS?! AND SHE’S A PRINCESS?!”

“Uh…actually, I’m an alicorn, you see I used to be a unicorn but…” Twilight dropped her eyelids slightly, “…are you hyperventilating?”

Elise began to rapidly breathe short, shallow breaths as she raised a hand to her face and dug her nails into her cheek. Her pinkie finger hooked into her lips as she pulled her nails downwards, tugging at her face and mouth. Her eyes suddenly shot open wide as her pupils grew to dark pits that swallowed her purple irises.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Elise emitted an unprecedented shriek that would go down in in history as the girliest to ever come out from an adult woman in recorded history. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and shell fell backwards. Passing out with a gigantic, goofy grin on her face.

“Uh… is that… normal?” Twilight asked.

“Er… Don’t worry Twilight! Elise is actually really, super-dee-duper smart!” Pinkie insisted.

“That’s debatable…” Dan muttered.

Pinkie shot a glare at her boyfriend and raised a forehoof to her mouth, “Shhhhhh!”

“Hey guys,” Chris called out, “was that Elise just…” Chris poked his head into the bedroom, and stared at Pinkie. His eyes slowly drifted towards Twilight, then back up to his head as he collapsed next to his wife.

“LOOK HOW USEFUL OUR FRIENDS ARE!” Dan said sarcastically as he motioned out to the unconscious bodies of Chris and Elise.

“I’m sure they’ll adjust and get it together…” Pinkie said hopefully.

“So… much… yay…” Elise muttered from the ground.

Twilight sighed and mentally prepared herself for another long day.

Part 1 Pinkie Pie Vs. Van Nuys: Prologue

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 1 Prologue-ooooooo-

Pinkie Pie looked towards the silhouette of her friend Twilight Sparkle, who was sitting in front of the window of Rarity’s Boutique. Pinkie was being kept away from any windows so she couldn’t be seen from the outside. Having to keep quiet was bad enough, but not being able to even look outside was maddening.

These things were very hard to see in the darkness, and had picked a good night to attack. It was bad enough that it was night, but clouds blocked the moon and rain pounded the outside.

“Don’t worry Twilight! I’m SURE they just want to make friends!” Pinkie said, hopefully.

Twilight glanced behind her at her bubbly, pink pony friend. “I don’t think so, Pinkie.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash spoke up, “friends usually don’t demand to have you handed over and try to kidnap ya’.”

“MAYBE they just have an extra special surprise for me!” Pinkie said, smiling. Though, she was having trouble getting her smiles to look genuine at this point.

“Darling,” Rarity said as she put a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder, “I’m not sure what sort of surprises sinister-looking shapeless blue, black clouds have, but it’s doubtful you want to find out.”

“You said it, partner,” Applejack added. “I don’t know what those things were, but they’re nothing but trouble.”

“Do you think they maybe gave up?” Fluttershy asked, with a tremble in her voice.

“I doubt that, Fluttershy,” Twilight responded. “They seemed to really want Pinkie for some reason,” she added with concern.

Applejack spoke up, ”Well, ah hope Spike gets back here soon. Not being able to kick these things has got me mighty unsettled.”

Twilight went back to scanning the darkness outside of Rarity’s boutique. These ‘shapeless blue, black clouds’ had identified themselves as ‘The Order Keepers’ and demanded that Princess Twilight Sparkle hand over ‘The Warper’ as she and her friends were out prepping for a storm the Pegasi had scheduled. Before Twilight had time to answer, Pinkie popped out and tried to welcome them. Their immediate response was to shift and surrounded her as a swirling mass of dark blue clouds.

Twilight had used her magic to keep them at bay. But as Pinkie’s other friends came to their aid, it became apparent that these things did little more than billow out of the way of physical attacks.

Twilight had held them off long enough for the others to run to Rarity’s and hide. She then sent Spike off to fetch a book she thought might give her some insight into the situation. Though, she was starting to regret sending Spike off on his own. She stole a small glance at Rarity. She wasn’t confident Rarity had the raw magical energy needed to fend a large amount of these things off, but she was getting less and less confident by the second that these things focusing on Pinkie Pie would keep the otherwise defenseless dragon safe.

“Do you think he’ll be here soon?” Fluttershy asked meekly.

“Oh, don’t worry about Spiky-wiky. He’s a tough little dragon,” Rarity offered.

“Darn tootin'! He once took out a giant timberwolf with a single rock!” Applejack added.

“Ah, Applejack, I don’t think ‘a rock’ is going to help much against these things,” Rainbow Dash retorted.

“Rainbow Dash, when are you going to learn there are just some things you’re better off keeping to yourself?” Applejack responded, closing the distance between her and the blue pegasus.

“STOP FIGHTING!” Pinkie Pie yelled at the pair. “Spike will be back with the book in no time, and we’ll be able to resolve this peacefully, then we can all have a giant party at Sugarcube Corner, and everything will be just fine! You’ll see.”

Everypony turned to look at Pinkie. Her perky and optimistic attitude seemed to be visibly crumbling at this point, and it was becoming apparent that she was as shaken up by recent events as anypony.

Twilight looked back out the window and her face lit up. “He’s back!” She opened the door without a second thought.

“Hey everypony! I grabbed the book just like you asked!” Spike cheerfully held up a large, dusty tome that was even bigger than the little dragon himself. “Uh…sorry if it’s a little wet…” Spike added.

Twilight simply smiled in response. “Good work Spike.” Twilight shut the door behind the baby dragon and a purple glow surrounded the book as Twilight levitated it in front of her and flipped the pages. “Now all I have to do is research a way to deal with these things and send them back to where they came from.” Twilight paused and thought about this for a second. “Huh...I wonder if we’ll need to go out and and get items for my workshop, too…” A flash of lightning flashed behind the purple Alicorn followed by roaring thunder.

The other five ponies took a long, hard look at the pounding rain and howling wind outside.

“Ah, Twilight?” Applejack interjected. “I hate ta be a stick in the mud, but I think there may be a just a little problem with that there plan.”

“It…it’s okay everypa…pony…” Pinkie said, stuttering her words through chattering teeth. “It’s ja…just a little rain!” She insisted. “Who do…doesn’t like a li…little sta…stroll in the rain from time ta…to time?”

Rarity raised a forehoof into the air.

“Rarity, you can dry your mane later! This is serious!” Rainbow Dash insisted.

“Well…she asked!” Rarity argued, motioning out to Pinkie with her forehooves.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Besides! It’s those things we need to worry about more than the weather!”

Pinkie’s teeth chattering increased as her eyes darted from side to side.

“Rainbow Dash? Remember that thing I said about keeping certain things to yourself?” Applejack reminded sternly.

“Oops. Sorry, Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash offered.

“It...it’s okay Da…Dashie. Everything will ba…be fi…fine you’ll see.” Pinkie said, forcing an unnatural looking smile.

Fluttershy trotted over to her trembling friend and placed comforting forelegs around her. “Goodness Pinkie, you’re more scared than me.”

Pinkie merely shivered in response.

“It’s okay, Pinkie.” Fluttershy said with a soft smile. “As long as we’re all together, everything will be fine. You’ll see.”

Pinkie took a few calming breaths and gained some control of her shaking. “Well, I’d feel a lot better if my knee wasn’t so achy-wachy.”

“Don’t worry.” Twilight insisted looking towards her scared friend.  “I’m sure the book…”

Twilight was cut short as the door behind her flew open once more. She had little time to react as dozens of eyes peered out of the darkness.

A deep blue bolt shot out from the swirling mass. From somewhere in the shadows of the boutique, a red energy blast intercepted it.

As the combined energies approached, Pinkie quickly pushed Fluttershy away, and before she could so much as scream, Pinkie’s vision went blue and red.

-ooooo-

Pinkie’s world instantly shifted to a swirling vortex of color as she felt her limbs being stretched out and her fur give way to some sort of fabric. The swirling void soon shifted to hard and solid ground.

She tried to stand back up on her hoofs but realized her back legs were now substantially longer and that her front hooves had apparently been replaced by…something that ended with digits of some sort.

What did Twilight call them?

Oh yeah, ‘hands’.

She steadied herself against a large pole covered in various flyers as she came to her… ‘feet’ she remembered them being called.

She had made Twilight tell the story of how she went to the human world, over and over again so she at least had SOME idea of what was going on.

Her fur had apparently been replaced with a blue and white top with a heart in the middle and a pink skirt that prominently bared her cutie mark. She let go of the pole and steadied herself on her blue boots that had white laces with pink bows at the top.

She looked around at her surroundings. She was outside, and just her luck, it was pouring rain down here as well. She also seemed to be carrying a large, pink handbag of some sort.

Lights lit up streets in all directions, and not a single direction looked inviting.

As she was pondering what to do next, a large, tall figure stepped out of a nearby alley.

Pinkie turned to greet her new friend, but her smile quickly turned to dread as she looked at the imposing figure above her. The hungry look in his eyes didn’t make Pinkie confident that he was here to make friends, but always the optimist, she figured it couldn’t hurt to try.

“My…my name’s Pinkie Pie? What’s yours?” Pinkie stammered out.

“Heh, names aren’t important now. What’s important is that you have something I want,” the large man said grimly. “Let’s start with that nice looking computer case, shall we? And then we can see where the night takes us from there.”

Pinkie backed up a few inches against the pole, and tried to fight past her fear to manage a scream.

As the man reached out for her, an angry voice rang out behind him.

“HEY, GLANDULAR PROBLEM! You’re in the way.”

The large man turned and Pinkie moved her head so they both could see the owner of the voice: a short man wearing jeans and a green jacket over a black shirt that prominently displayed the word ‘JERK’ on it.  The look on his face seemed to be an equal amount of pure rage and annoyance as he gritted pointed looking teeth.

Pinkie wasn’t sure if she was saved or if the night had just gotten worse.

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 8 Pinkie Vs. Disguises

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie PieChapter 8 Pinkie Vs. Disguises-oooooo-

Dan reached into his pocket and grabbed his keys.

‘Lenny’s’, huh? Well, that isn’t far. I can easily…

Dan narrowed his eyes as he noticed the lock indicator was up on his car door.

“Great”, Dan uttered to himself. “Must have left the car unlocked when I checked it this morning.”

Dan opened the car door and peered inside.

Well, it seems to be devoid of glitter…

Doesn’t matter, I’m going to find her, and make her pay!

…

Without hurting her…

…

…or arranging for her to be hurt.

DAMN CHRIS AND HIS THREATS OF VIOLENCE AND/OR LEGAL ACTION.

Well…

She hurt something Iloved, I’ll just have to find something of hers and hurt it back.

Dan grinned evilly to himself behind the wheel of his car.

He started it, and pulled out into traffic.

“Nice car, tough guy,” someone called from the street.

“I WILL FIND YOU AND MAKE ORPHANS OF YOUR CHILDREN!” Dan shot back.

He didn’t have to travel far before spotting Chris’s blue sedan at a gas station.

“Hmmm,” he said out loud, “maybe this will be quicker than I thought.”

He pulled around to the back of the station and exited his car. He began to peer around the corner and…

“Hey, girl car. You can only park here if you’re filling your tires with air.”

Dan turned around to see a dark olive, lanky gas station attendant in a grey jumpsuit shooting him a dirty look from the air pump Dan had unwittingly parked next to.

“Ah! My good man! Perhaps you can assist me.” Dan said with a smile. Dan put his arms around the man and brought him around to the back of his car. “I believe there is a quarter in the back of my car, if you would be so kind as to help me look…”

-oooooo-

Chris leaned idly by the side of his car and watched the numbers on the gas pump slide up.

So nice to talk to someone about Elise without hearing about how my marriage was a mistake, for a change...

Pinkie “awed” and “oohed” at pretty much any unfamiliar sight, which was still pretty much everything at this point.

Well, things should certainly be quieter without Dan.

I just hope I can keep things from getting awkward...

Still, Pinkie is pretty good at holding a conversation, and...

Chris’s thoughts were interrupted by a familiar sound, a sound he quite wished he couldn’t identify based upon helping Dan time and time again.

“Ooh! What’s that?” Pinkie asked with a smile, inquiring about the rhythmic pounding sound.

“Oh that! That’s…nothing…” Chris said with a nervous smile. “Could you excuse me for a second? I have to…”

“…go…”

“…around that corner…”

“…that corner right over there…” Chris pointed to the back of the building

“…for no reason in particular.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said with a trusting smile.

Chris rounded the corner of the station to be greeted by the familiar sight of Dan knocking someone senseless with the hatch of his car, over and over again.

“Dan! Stop! I think you got him!”

Dan looked up at his friend Chris and let go of the very unconscious man in his grip.

“Chris! Ol’ buddy! How’s it going?” Dan asked enthusiastically and started undressing the gas station attendant.

“Dan what do you think you’re doing.” Chris asked, afraid he already knew the answer.

“Why, revenge, of course. What else?” Dan said grinning with a mouthful of pointed teeth.

Chris put on an annoyed expression, sighed, and rolled his eyes. “What else, indeed.”

“Now Chris.” Dan roughly dropped the gas station attendant, now sans jumpsuit which Dan proceeded to try on. “I know you said some things to me that you regret, and I want you to know”-- Dan finished putting on the very loose fitting jumpsuit --"that I forgive you. I think it’s best if we”--Dan reached over and opened the door to the gas station bathroom--“put aside our differences for the sake of vanquishing”--Dan stuffed the unconscious man in the bathroom and tried closing the door, pushing it shut with the full weight of his body and a grunt when it became apparent the unconscious man was in the way of closing the door fully--“a common foe. Come, on buddy! It’ll be just like ol’ times!” Dan put out his hand and smiled wide.

“No Dan. Just no.” Chris said, quickly making an “X” with his arms and throwing them to the side.

“Oh, come on! You don’t even know who…”

“There is no way I’m going to help you get back at Pinkie Pie!” Chris said sternly.

“But look what she did to my car!” Dan insisted, motioning to his pink and bedazzled hatchback.

“Dan, if you actually looked at that for more than a second,” Chris walked over, dragged his finger over the hood and held up his now pink finger in one quick motion, “you’ll find this stuff will come off if it drizzles.”

“Eh tu, Chris? Wait…you helped her didn’t you!” Dan said accusingly.

“Oh Dan, calm down!”

“NO! If you won’t help me get my revenge…”

“Revenge against what?”

Chris and Dan both jumped slightly in their feet and turned towards the smiling, pink haired girl who had snuck up behind them. Pinkie still had smudges of pink paint on her face.

Dan quickly turned away, looked down, rubbed his index finger in a black oil puddle, held it between his nose and upper lip and turned to face Pinkie.

“Good day, madam! It’s just me…your helpful local gas station attendant!” Dan said, trying desperately to disguise his voice by dropping it an octave.

Pinkie squinted at the ‘helpful local gas station attendant’s’ chest. “Ju-an?”

“Yes! It’s me…’Ju-an’,” Dan said, quickly glancing from side to side pensively.

“It says ‘Jaun’,” Chris said flatly.

“WHAT?!” Dan said, his voice returning to its normal, enraged tone. “YOU CAN’T EVEN PRONOU… I mean…YES that is my name.”

“Well, Juan.” Pinkie said with a knowing smile, glancing at the pink, bedazzled hatch-back, “What brings you out here?”

“Oh, you know…” Juan said, desperately thinking of an innocent response, “Gas station stuff…”

“Oh hey! That reminds me!” Chris spoke up. “My windows are a bit dirty. Mind taking care of that for me, Juan?”

Juan grumbled angrily and glared at Chris.

JERK! No way he’s going to blow my cover, though…

"Of course! Wait right here!” Juan turned on his heels dropped his mustache and angrily made his way to Chris’s car.

Pinkie followed Juan with her eyes and smiled impossibly wide.

“Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, OHMYGOSH!” she shrieked in excitement. “Dan likes disguises!? I LOVE DISGUISES!”

“Yeah that Dan, always beating uImean dressing up as someone.”

“He almost fooled me, too!” Pinkie said, eyelids dropping slightly and her smile changing to that of one proud of herself.

“Oh?” Chris asked in a surprised tone.

Someone would have to be pretty dense to not see through Dan’s disguise…

“Yeeeaaah,” Pinkie cooed, “but he forgot one small detail!” she added matter of factually.  Pinkie placed her palm on the hood of Dan’s car and smiled to herself. She then lifted it and gazed at her palm, realizing she had just turned it pink. “Whoops.”

Juan returned, mustache held against his lip, wielding a squeegee. He quickly swung it over his shoulder splashing Chris in the process.

“Hey!” Chris said, leveling an irritated glance at Juan.

“Your car is all ready to go!”

“Thanks Juan!” Pinkie said, “Oh! We’re going to the ‘Lenny’s’ down the street! Would you like to come with us? We’d love to have your company.” Pinkie said raising her eyebrows knowingly.

“I…erm…would but…” Dan struggled to think of a convincing excuse, “I’m…allergic! To…”

“…”

“…food.”

Chris raised his eyebrows. ”You could have just said you still had work to do.”

“Yeah! That, too!”

“Oh! Well…” Pinkie trailed off. “OH! Pictures!” Pinkie warped her arm around Juan’s neck and snapped a picture of the two of them. “Great! Now you take one Chris!” Pinkie handed the camera to Chris who smiled and said, “Say Cheese!”

Pinkie smiled wide and said “Cheeeeese!”

Juan silently glared at Chris.

Pinkie looked down at her camera excitedly, then looked up. “See you around, Juany…I mean Danny…  I mean Juan.” She bounded back to the car with a “tra la la la la”.

“I think she bought it!” Dan said to Chris.

“Dan, will you stop this nonsense and just join us for lunch?”

“And break bread with the enemy? I think not…” Dan said coldly, crossing his arms. “…and don’t think I’m going to let this act of betrayal slide.” Dan angrily climbed into his car.

“Fine,” Chris said, also crossing his arms. “See you at ‘Lenny’s’. Oh!” Chris grinned. “You may want to hide your pink car next time,” Chris said, pointing at the hood.

Dan frowned and looked out his windshield, noticing an effeminate looking hand print on the hood of his car. He buried his face in his palm, mumbled something obscene, started his car, and drove off.

I’ll have to step up his game with this one.

She’s clearlymuch smarter than she looked.

Chris shook his head, and started walking back to his car and an awaiting Pinkie Pie.

The bathroom door flew open behind him.

“Why does everything taste like pennies?!” A terrified, half-naked, gas station attendant enquired.

Chris went pale, emitted a perturbed “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh”, and made his way back to his car.

-oooooo-

Pinkie was beyond giddy at this point, “Oh! What do you think he’ll put on next?! Oh! I bet he’ll show up as our waiter! Oh! Oh! Or maybe a cook!”

“Well, sometimes with Dan you have to expect the unexpected.” Chris dwelled on this for a second. “Okay, actually always with Dan you have to expect the unexpected.” Chris pulled into the parking lot and exited the car.

“Hmnmmm….” Pinkie crossed her arms on the roof of the car and rested her head for a second, then perked up. “Clown. No! Firepon…I mean…person. NO WAIT!” Pinkie shrieked with delight holding her finger up in an ‘ah-ha’ pose. “A Walrus!” She turned her body and wrung her hands, narrowing her eyelids. “No one EVER suspects the Walrus.” She said with a knowing grin.

“Uh huuuh…”Chris said. It began to dawn on him he had swapped out one crazy friend for another flavor of crazy.

He walked to the entrance, holding the door open for Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie walked in, but still had the same knowing grin plastered on her face as she scanned the restaurant and…

“Ah HA!” Pinkie pointed to a tall waiter in a long white coat, with short stubby arms, who looked like he was having a lot of trouble balancing and holding his order of food. “Nice try, DAN, but you have to try better than the ol’ stilts and long coat routine to outsmart this pon…” Pinkie threw open the coat to reveal it was, in fact, three men with dwarfism posing as a single individual. The trio teetered and crashed into a nearby table splattering food all over the occupants and themselves.

Chris sat down at a booth and shielding his eyes, hoping no one noticed him.

Yeah, definitely just a new kind of crazy.

…Wait, why were there three men with dwarfism posing as a waiter?

Pinkie sat down across from Chris and started twiddling her thumbs. “This is hard.” She announced, staring down at her hands.

Their waitress come by and wordlessly dropped a couple of menus and waters. Chris quickly opened his and buried his head in it.

Pinkie grabbed hers and started poring over it, and inhaled as she glanced at a page. “You can order breakfast all day?!” She asked excitedly.

Chris lowered his menu, “Yep! I’m going to order the Home Run Special AND a double, bacon, cheese burger!” He said proudly, “Uh…if that’s OK with you of course.” He added, realizing he wasn’t paying for a change.

“Of course!” Pinkie said in a squeaky voice. “It’s the least I can do for last night!” Just then, Pinkie inhaled a seemingly impossible amount of air.

“Good afternoon, friends.” A short, unshaven, mustachioed man with a soul patch, in a top hat, tuxedo, and grey pants greeted Pinkie and Chris.

Chris and Pinkie stared blankly at him, until Pinkie quickly brought her camera up, snapped a quick photo, and just as quickly put it back in her bag. For one brief, shining second, the world was replaced by the dapper looking gentleman in front of her.

“Would you two do me the honor of letting me dine with you, this fine day?”

“Oh, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!” Pinkie said.

Chris rolled his eyes, as the well-dressed gentlemen sat next to him.

The gentlemen doffed his hat at Pinkie, “My name is Moneybags. Mr. Moneybags.”

Pinkie beamed with delight and held out her hand. “My name is Pinkie Pie!” She exclaimed.

Rather than shake it, Mr. Moneybags gently took Pinkie’s hand and gave her knuckles a tiny peck. Pinkie let out an audible “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee” of delight.

Chris simply continued to look perturbed with his head in his menu.

“Chris, would you like to introduce yourself to the nice man?” Pinkie asked.

Chris set his menu down, crossed his arms, and simply glared down at the well-dressed man sitting next to him.

“Chris, that is not how we make friends.” Pinkie said in a maternal tone.

Chris narrowed his eyes at Pinkie, sighed, and extended a hand to Mr. Moneybags.

Mr. Moneybags took it and gave it a firm shake. “Charmed, I’m sure.”

Their waitress returned, placed a water in front of the well-dressed man, and coldly asked, “Are you ready to order?”

Chris ordered his special and burger, Pinkie ordered an endless stack of pancakes and some French toast, Mr. Moneybags ordered a turkey sandwich, no cheese, and no vegetables.

The waitress took their order and gave Pinkie a funny look as she walked off. Pinkie furrowed her brow and looked back at the two men sitting across from her.

“Pinkie,” Chris whispered, “your face.”

Pinkie reached up only to smear MORE pink paint on her face. “Whoops, silly me! Be right back!” She dashed for the restroom.

Chris exhaled and looked down at Mr. Moneybags.

“Dan, where did you get that outfit?” Chris asked, arms crossed.

“I spotted a Monopoly promotion a few blocks over when I hid my car. Their 75th anniversary or something. I rolled the mascot.” Dan answered grinning to himself. “These clothes fit perfectly and they look amaaaazing!”

“Dan, this is ridiculous! Why don’t you just try being her friend?” Chris asked, throwing his hands out in front of him, palms turned up.

“BECAUSE!” Dan insisted. “She’s the enemy.” Dan’s face twisting into a sneer.

“You know she caused three dwarfs to drop a tray full of food on a table.”

“She…wha?” Dan replied, cocking an eyebrow.

“She was trying to look for you and…” Chris clenched his eyes shut, leaned his head down, and clenched the bridge of his nose with his thumb, forefinger, and middle finger. “…it sounds crazy even describing it. It’s exactly the sort of thing you would do!”

Before Dan could respond, Pinkie bounded back to the table with a happy grin, and sat back down.

“So, Mr. Moneybags! Tell us about yourself!”

Dan put back on his ‘old money’ voice, and regaled the table with the delights of being rich and owning multiple properties, houses, and hotels in between bouts of Pinkie taking photos of everyone at the table and forcing the staff to snap photos as well.

Before long, their food had arrived.

Chris hungrily dug in.

Mr. Moneybags opened his sandwich and sighed disappointedly, staring at the bright, rectangular yellow blemish on his sandwich.

Pinkie looked at the sandwich, frowned, and stood up. She walked over and put her hand on Mr. Moneybag’s shoulder and smiled warmly down at him. “I’ll take care of this, dapper Dan man.”

Pinkie grabbed the plate that was in front of Dan, walked into the kitchen and…

“WHAT IS THE BIG IDEA?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE?! NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU JUST PUT POISON IN A MAN’S FOOD?! HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED WITH YOUR CARELESSNESS!? HOW MUCH BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS?! MAKE IT AGAIN AND DON’T EMBARRASS YOURSELVES THIS TIME!”

Chris’s and Dan’s jaws dropped. Though, Chris recovered quickly enough to continue eating. Dan continued gawking at Pinkie until she sat down across from him and Chris.

“They said, they’d make you a new one and get it out to you in a jiffy,”  Pinkie said sweetly, pulling her lips up into an audible squee. She grabbed a slice of plain white toast from a plate in front of her and took a small bite. “Toast?” She asked, sliding the plate towards Dan.

Dan regained his senses long enough to grab a slice and start nibbling on it.

Within a matter of minutes, a new, cheeseless, vegetableless turkey sandwich was in front of him, which he happily consumed.

After the three had finished their meals, the waitress came to fetch their plates. “Finished?” she asked, eager to get them out of the restaurant.

Pinkie smiled wide. “Dessert?” she asked.

The waitress sighed, pulled out her pad of paper and pen, and tapped her foot impatiently.

“I will have the double-chocolate sundae!” Chris exclaimed.

“Pie al a Mode, without the ‘a la mode’.” Dan said, still doing an ‘old money’ voice.

Pinkie looked across the table to someone’s yellow drink with a red tint on top, “Oooh, what’s that!?” she asked excitedly.

The waitress looked behind her and sighed. “Strawberry lemonade,” she answered flatly.

“Sounds delicious! I LOVE strawberries AND lemonade.”

“Hope you like disappointment, too.” Dan muttered, forgetting he was still pretending to be someone else.

Pinkie glanced at him.

Dan decided to clear his throat for about the next thirty seconds to detour suspicion.

Chris prayed they’d get out of the restaurant without further incident.

It was not to be.

The waitress soon returned with their order, along with a check. Placing all the dessert items in front of them along with the slip of paper.

Pinkie took a sip of her drink, leaned her head under the table, and quickly spit what she had sipped on the floor. “Blech!” she exclaimed.

Chris increased the pace of his eating, sensing he had very little time to consume his dessert.

“What IS this?” Pinkie asked with a disgusted look on her face, motioning at her beverage.

The waitress sighed, a sound the occupants of the table were getting used to.  “It’s what you ordered, ma’am.”

Dan waved his hand dismissively, “Only if she ordered artificially colored sugar water with synthetic lemon and strawberry flavors.” he said in his regular tone of voice.

Pinkie’s face went red. “FAKE LEMONS AND STRAWBERRIES!? FAKE LEMONS AND STRAWBERRIES!?” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Chris feverishly attempted to devour his sundae.

“Ma’am, if you’d like something else, I’m sure…”

“WHY?! SO YOU CAN SERVE US MORE LIES AND POISON?!”

“Gwah!” Chris grabbed his head having consumed way too much ice cream way too fast.

“AND NOW THEY’RE TRYING TO GET CHRIS, TOO! WELL NO DICE! TELL MR. LENNY THAT WE’VE SEEN THROUGH HIS TWISTED WEB OF DECENT AND MURDER!” Pinkie turned to Dan. “Mr. Moneybags!” Pinkie called out with authority.

Dan hopped to his feet, wide eyed.

“Grab Chris and RUN!” Dan grabbed his friend who rose to his feet, before either could process what was going on, Pinkie grabbed her glass and point blank threw the contents into the face of their waitress.

Their waitress wasted no time in clutching her face, collapsing to the ground, and screaming, “HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!” as she writhed in agony.

The three bolted for the door.

Once outside, Chris sprinted for his car. Pinkie stopped and grabbed Dan’s hand, causing him to turn and face her. She leaned down, put her mouth within an inch of his ear, and whispered, “We’ll be at the mall, next.” With that, she jumped in the car with Chris.

The blue sedan sped off into the distance.

Dan quickly made himself scarce, stripped back down to his jeans and ‘JERK’ shirt, and started walking back to his car, clutching most of his disguise (he opted to keep wearing the hat, not wanting to damage it).

He pondered his next move…

Maybe friendship with Pinkie wouldn’t be so bad…

After I’ve had my revenge, of course.

Part 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie Pie: Chapter 10 Dan Vs. Mall Cop

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 2 Dan Vs. Pinkie PieChapter 10 Dan Vs. Mall Cop-ooooooo-

“So,” Dan said as he rubbed his hands together, “what’s next?”

Chris’s jaw dropped. “You’re not serious…DAN,” Chris said raising his voice. “There’s a multi-story clothing store that’s still on fire,” Chris said as he motioned back towards the direction they just walked from, “and you want to know what store we’re going to next?”

“Of course! There are several dozen apparel stores here. I figure Pinkie can hit at least half before the mall closes, or they’re forced to kick everyone out from fear of smoke inhalation.”

Chris’s pupils dilated, he bent down and wrapped his hands around his knees, and gently started rocking back and forth.

Even Pinkie gave a little shudder. “Ummm…” She looked at her two shopping carts full of clothing, the last surviving relics of a once proud, but now flaming anchor store. “I’m pretty sure I have enough clothes, now.”

Chris sat back upright, hope returning to his face.

Dan shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

Pinkie giggled and cocked an eyebrow. “Did you just pun? I love puns! Pun rhymes with ‘fun’ and Pinkie Pie is all abo…”

“Pinkie”, Dan said, putting a hand on the bubbly girl’s shoulder, “I would like to inform you that I own multiple items capable of delivering blunt force trauma, and remind you that I know where you live.” Dan said calmly with a smile.

“Consider me informed and reminded!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

“Pack mule,” Dan said producing his keys and turning to Chris in one, smooth motion. “I parked next to you.” Dan tossed his keys at Chris who snagged them as they hit his chest. “Be a dear and load my car up while the lady and I hit some more shops.”

“What? Why?” Chris asked, annoyed that Dan was forcing manual labor on him.

“A: Because she lives next to me and I can easily take her home and help her unpack…”

At the mention that Dan was not only going to take her home, but actually help her, her face radiated with happiness, she cupped a hand over her fist and brought her hands up to her chin, then started giddily hopping from one foot to the next.

“B: Because you’re the Chris.”

Pinkie lost her footing and had another date with the ground.

“C: Because, do you really want to do more shopping with us?”

Pinkie stood up in a flash with a little, “I’m up!” in case anyone hadn’t noticed.

Chris looked at Dan, then at Pinkie, then behind her to the smoldering store, smoke still billowing out of the entrance, then at the two full shopping carts. He grinned wide, “Sure I’ll take these to your car, buddy!” Chris placed a hand on either cart and added, “But, it’s an awful lot of clothing, and your car is ever so small. It might take me a while to load it all up.”

Dan waved. “Take your time, buddy.”

“Ooh! Ooh!” Pinkie bounded up to Chris. “Where should we meet up?”

“Food court.” Chris said without so much as having to think.

“Ulg, No!” Dan answered disgustedly. “Not the food court.”

“Wow! Is that like, where food goes to stand trial? Because that sounds amazing!” Pinkie answered excitedly.

“I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you,” Dan said.

“Come on, Dan! I’ve given so much today,” Chris insisted. “Don’t take this away from me,” He added, begging as a slight hollowness returned to his voice.

Dan rolled his eyes and with an annoyed “Fiiiiiiiiine!” Chris happily pushed the carts towards outside.

“So,” Dan started, turning back to Pinkie, “what else do you need for the new place? A set of kitchen knives? A high-speed blender? Power tools? A medieval weapon to smite your enemies with?” Dan asked, moving his eyebrows up and down on the last suggestion.

Pinkie pondered this. “Well…There isn’t much there, but I think I conveniently have all the items the plot requires at any given time.” Pinkie said over the sound of a wall collapsing behind her.

Dan blinked a few times trying to process what Pinkie just said, shook his head to clear it. “There must be something you need,” he insisted.

Pinkie thought a little harder, but stopped when something caught her eye. “Oh! Oh! That thing!” Pinkie ran into a store excitedly and grabbed a pink, frilly photo album. She held it up smiling, and looked around to realize she was standing in an aisle full of stickers, more bedazzling jewels, and other assortment of craft items, and with a high pitched squeal of delight, Pinkie began rummaging through the selection and grabbing item after item, stacking them on top of the photo album.

Dan sighed. Oh well, looks like I signed up for a bit more regular shopping and a bit less wanton destruction than I thought. Maybe I can figure out her weaknesses at least…

Just then, something caught Dan’s eye. He quickly hid around the entrance to the store and peered out.

Mall cop…

A large, pudgy man with a small mustache, closely cropped brown hair in a white uniform and black pants held on with a belt that had a small canister, a walkie-talkie, and a small assortment of other small boxes and compartments hanging off of it cruised by on a Segway.

Dan narrowed his eyes at the man. The day has come, Mall cop. Your name had been a black stain on “the list” for far too long! Vengeance *shall*be…”

“Who are we spying on?” A familiar, feminine voice whispered from above him.

Dan let out a startled “Gah!”, and leapt a few feet away from Pinkie. How does she do that? She’s clumsy enough that she’s wearing a bandage over her forehead, but somehow she can seemingly pop out of nowhere? And how does she do it so quietly? She spends just about every other waking moment talking or making some high-pitched noise or anoth…

“Dan?” Pinkie asked, breaking his concentration.

“Ah…erm…” Dan threw an arm around Pinkie’s shoulders and brought her out so she could see his target.

“Mall cop,” Dan answered, pointing towards the large man on a Segway, no small amount of scorn in his voice.

Pinkie giggled. “What’s that?”

“He’s an evil individual who is a blight on the mall and all who grace its doors. He flaunts what little power he has afforded by his title and harasses all he comes across,” Dan answered, lacing his words with righteous indignation.

“No, I mean…what’s that he’s riding?” Pinkie pointed at the upright, wheeled device that was propelling the mall security officer at the blistering speed of eight miles per hour.

“Oh, that’s a Segway,” Dan answered, “Lazy people use them when they don’t feel like walking places.”

Pinkie closed her eyes and laughed. “That’s silly! Walking is one of my favorite things ev-devely-ever! She glanced at the Segway as vehicle and driver exited the mall into the parking lot. “Looks fun, though.”

“Yeah…” Dan trailed off and thought for a second, “Let’s steal it!”

“What? Dan no, we can’t…”

“But… Vengeance!” Dan insisted, turning his palms up for dramatic effect.

“Dan! I’m sorry, but there are just some things I’m not comfortable with, and ‘stealing from people because they’re unpleasant to those around them’ is one of those things.”

Dan crossed his arms, turned away, and put on an angry pout.

“Have you tried being his friend, or throwing a party for him? Ooh! Oooh! I bet if you really just got to know him, you two could become good friends!” Pinkie inhaled loudly as an idea came to her, “OH! I can help! I’m a genius when it comes to parties.”

It was Dan’s turn to reply in surprise, “What?! No, he’s the enemy! You don’t throw parties for the enemy unless you’re going to poison them, shoot them multiple times, club them, castrate them, and throw them in an icy river to drown.”

“I…that’s…” Pinkie paused as she searched for the correct words, “rather specific!” she offered.

“Look, associate,” Dan said, lacing the word 'associate' with venom, “if you don’t want to help me, then I’m sure I can enlist Chris easy enough…”

Pinkie’s lip started quivering. “Ah Dan, don’t be like that.”

Dan wrapped an arm around Pinkie’s back and point a finger at her chest with his free hand.

Pinkie leaned her head back in response, unprepared for the sudden closing of distance between the two.

“Do you want to be my friend, or don’t you?”

“Oh yes, oh yes, oh…”, Pinkie’s expression sank and her heart starting pounding in her chest. “What did you have in mind?” she asked, afraid she already knew the answer.

Dan began to speak then stopped for a second, remembering the group’s ill (or awesome, depending on your point of view) fated trip to Lenny’s. Pinkie Pie is many things, and most of them are pretty terrible. However, 'pushover' certainly isn't one of them.Maybe I shouldn't try to use her…

“Good, then buy me a cinnamon bun,” Dan said with a grin. …much.

Pinkie’s expression did a 180 and she closed the distance between her and Dan and gave him another hug.

Dan was starting to get used to the sound of his bones cracking.

Before grabbing cinnamon buns, Dan convinced Pinkie to pick up a few more items, some kitchen knives, some baking tools and equipment (Dan said Pinkie could borrow his cake mixer, which he, of course, had because his mechanic had tried to replace his engine with it because said mechanic was deep in debt due to underground, giant mechanical suit fighting and betting.), and a pink crowbar. Dan was very convincing about the virtues of having a crowbar, and Pinkie was very happy to find one in her color. Pinkie also managed to find a place to print all her photos.

After a bit, Pinkie bought cinnamon buns for her, Dan, and an extra one for Chris (which Dan insisted he didn’t deserve, but was overruled on the grounds that Pinkie was paying). The two made their way up to the food court where Chris was already waiting for them, a partially consumed tray of food in front of him on top of a round table.

“Hey guys!” Chris waved the two over, who deposited Pinkie’s collection at their feet and sat down at roughly an equal distance from each other and Chris.

“Hi, Chris!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

“Chris! How long have you been here?” Dan asked.

“Oh…a while.” Chris answered, bringing up a fork full of some near unidentifiable substance and eating it. “Hey! You wouldn’t happen to have a cinnamon bun for me, would you?”

Dan rolled his eyes as Pinkie happily handed Chris a warm box containing a large cinnamon bun.

“You could have called me, you know.” Dan said, mildly annoyed that in addition to taking his time loading Pinkie’s things into Dan’s car, Chris had decided to opt out of any more shopping excursions.

“Yeah, but…” Chris trailed off and took a few more bites of food, figuring that would suffice, and slid Dan’s keys across the table to their owner.

As the three dug into their cinnamon buns, Pinkie wasted no time in pulling out her craft supplies, pictures, and her new photo album. Carefully, she started adding pictures, and decorating them with hearts, glitter pens, bedazzling jewels, and anything at her disposal.

Chris finished the food in front of him and his cinnamon bun. He glanced over at Pinkie Pie, who still had quite a few photos to go.

“We’ll she’s not going to be done anytime food…I mean soon. Think I’ll make another run.” Chris got off and dashed to a few more stalls.

“I can get you something else, if you want, Dan.” Pinkie said with a smile, looking up from her arts and craft project.

Dan slouched in his chair, “Elch, no thanks. I’m not even going to justify spending someone else’s money on mall court food.”

Pinkie shrugged. ”Suit yourself,” she said as she went back to working on her project.

Dan tried to fill the unfamiliar silence between the two with idle conversation. “Having fun over there?” he asked.

“Yep! I’ve made so many wonderful memories these last couple days. I really want to give them the attention they deserve!” Pinkie said, smiling down at her work as she applied more hearts to a picture.

“You’ve really enjoyed yourself?” Dan said, raising an eyebrow and filling his question with surprise.

Pinkie looked back to meet Dan’s green eyes with her blue ones. “Well…yeah. It’s been a lot of fun.” She looked away for a second and grinned sheepishly, “Terrifying at times.”--She looked back at Dan with a genuine smile.--“But fun!” She looked down at the photo album with a content smile, “I think this could be the start of another beautiful friendship…” Pinkie Pie looked back up. “Don’t you?”

Dan glanced away and went silent not sure how to react. He didn’t want to say as much out loud, but he’d had more fun this day than any in recent…and even not so recent memory.

Chris returned, a tray of food in each hand.

“Thanks Chris, you’ve managed to grab everything I hate about food courts in one trip,” Dan said, angrily glaring at the food.

Pinkie looked up as well, but something behind Chris caught her eye. With an excited “Ooooo!” she was out of her chair and dashed off somewhere.

“Here we go,” Chris said exasperatedly waiting for the lecture he’d heard many, many times before. He lifted his hand and signified the number three with his fingers with a bored expression on his face.

Dan wasted no time launching into his vitriolic tirade, “First! Burgerphile? Really? You’re sooo desperate for Burgerphile that you’re willing to spend two to three dollars more on a meal here? I don’t know what’s sadder, that they jack up their price just because they’re at the mall or that people, like you, are stupid enough to cough up the extra cash because walking back to the car and driving down the street is simply too much.”

Chris ticked down one of his fingers leaving two.

“Second! ‘Gourmet Chinese food’?! Who in their right mind can even humor that, let alone plaster it on a logo?! The only thing ‘gourmet’ about it is there’s nothing close to it served by the actual Chinese.”

Chris ticked down one more finger leaving one.

“THIRD!” Dan stood up and was now frothing at the mouth, “WHY IS EVERYTHING HERE JUST A WORSE VERSION OF FOOD YOU CAN GET ELSEWHERE?! WHY DO PEOPLE STAND FOR THIS!? Is it THAT hard to go someplace DECENT after shopping, OR DEMAND HIGHER QUALITY?!” Dan sat back down and desperately tried to catch his breath.

Chris returned his hand to the task of helping himeat. “Feel better?” He asked before taking another bite of his burger.

“N… no… gasp... wheeze ...Mall… pant... pant...swallow... Mall cop…”

“Fhe oone whooo keeps kickwing you oout for hausing a pubbic disturfance?” Chris asked through a mouth full of burger.

Dan narrowed his eyes. “That’s the one.”

“Ah-HA! I knew there was more to the story than you were telling me!”

Dan jumped in his seat and Chris began coughing on his food.

Pinkie was standing behind the duo having found lemonade that appeared to have been made with real lemons.

“How do you keep doing that?!” Dan demanded of her.

Pinkie sat back down. “Doing what?” She asked quizzically, setting her drink down and going back to the project in front of her.

Chris regained his composure. “Dan, you really ought’a let this one go.”

“But he’s on the list!” Dan whined, producing a small notepad and flipping to a page where 'Mall Cop' was wedged in between “People’s Republic of China” and a crossed out “Pudding people”. “Anyhow, don’t you think you’ve had enough food for one day? Seriously Chris, your calorie count has got to rival the GDP of a developing nation at this point,” Dan said, figuring he could at least wreak some petty vengeance on Chris if he wasn’t going to help either.

“Hey! I can’t eat at home unless I want to eat outside the tent, and preparing food is a lot harder through protective gloves and a faceplate!” Chris countered.

There was a ringing, Chris reached into his pocket and pulled out a rectangular smart phone, and hit the talk button. “Hi, Elise!”

Pinkie gasped looking at the device in Chris’s hand, and dug into her bag fishing out a similar device.

“That sounds like a great idea!” Chris continued speaking into the phone.

Pinkie frowned at her own device, the buttons not seeming to elect any response from it.

“Hmmm…” Chris continued.

Pinkie began shaking the device in an attempt to get it to do something.

Dan leaned over towards Pinkie, but the ‘ding’ of a nearby elevator and the familiar sight of a large, pudgy man on a Segway caught his attention.

“I’m pretty sure she’s a vegetarian…” Chris said into the phone.

Pinkie had begun to chew on her phone in frustration, Dan swatted it out of her mouth and wagged his finger at her as if he was scolding a naughty puppy. Pinkie pouted and put her phone back in the bag.

“OK, see you later! I love you! Bye!” Chris hung up the phone.

Pinkie and Dan turned and looked at him.

“So…ummmm…Elise has invited both of you for vegetarian fajitas at our place, tonight!” Chris said sheepishly, continuing to rapidly take bites of food to his mouth.

Dan rolled his eyes.

Pinkie beamed. “Sounds delicious, Chris! I’d love to meet your wife. Oh this is going to be so much fun! I can’t wait!”

Dan shot a glare past Pinkie as his enemy, the mall security officer, sat down right behind Pinkie at a table with a male food court employee. The mall officer oblivious to Dan or anyone else at the table.

Pinkie turned her body, leaning her arm on her chair and got a good look at the man behind her. She turned to Dan with an innocent smile. “Dan, I think this is a great opportunity for you.”

“Good idea. I’ll sneak up behind and garrote him with my shoelaces, you keep his friend busy.” Dan suggested with a twisted smile full of pointy teeth.

“Dan, now you know that’s not what I meant,” Pinkie said, taking a maternal tone.

Dan folded his arms, and put on a frowny-pout and turned away.

“Come on Dan,” Pinkie began, “There’s good in almost everyone.” Pinkie quickly glanced behind her. “I’m sure if you just go over there and try to talk to him, you’ll find…”

“…Just one of the ugliest shade of pink you ever thought possible…” The security guard’s words cut into Pinkie like a chainsaw through plywood.

Pinkie paused and perked her head up, listening in.

“Just…just imagine someone gota bunch of kindergarteners drunk, gave them some paints, and told them ta make a car pretty.”

Pinkie’s expression changed to one of surprise, followed by an eye twitch.

Dan’s expression changed as well. He leaned on the table and steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. Carefully studying the change in Pinkie’s face.

“I mean…who would even think that bright shade of pink was attractive…”

Pinkie glanced up at her long curly hair, and began to tear up as her lip quivered.

“…Not anyone with a lick of taste, that’s forshou…”

Pinkie’s face contorted, her eye twitching more violently now.

Dan was sure he was starting to hear the sound of a kettle coming to the boil somehow…

Chris’s eye’s darted back and forth from Dan to Pinkie, and he accelerated his eating pace.

“There was one thing out there worse than that paintjob, though.”

Pinkie extended an arm in front of her, and took a deep breath; a stress management tool she had picked up from Twilight and Cadence.

“The ugly bedazzled car with an even WORSE shade of pink further down the lot.”

Dan watched as Pinkie’s face wordlessly change to an expression of rage and anger he didn’t think the girl had in her, and he was sure he heard that kettle start to boil.

Pinkie leaned forward on the table, looked at Dan, and whispered, “I’m in.”

“What?!” Chris cried. “Didn’t you say there was good in almost everyone?!” He asked frantically.

“I did say ‘almost’,” Pinkie replied with a mischievous grin.

Dan moved his hands to reveal a grin of pure devilish delight, he leaned into the table. “Here’s the plan…”

Pinkie turned her ear towards Dan as he whispered the scheme. She turned, nodded with a smile, grabbed her lemonade and the two pushed off from the table, got up, and moved into position.

“Do I have to do anything?” Chris asked, looking up from his tray.

“Sit there and look stupid,” Dan responded.

“Done and done.” Chris said, happily returning to his food.

Chris continued eating his food as he watched Dan grab a straw from one of the food court stalls, walk towards the escalators, tear the paper covering off the straw, wad up some of the paper with his own salvia, placed it in the straw, took aim, and launched a perfectly targeted spit wad into the back of the mall security officer’s head.

The guard turned just in time to catch the next spit wad right between the eyes, he stood up with a grumble, clawed the moist mass of paper off his face, walked up to Dan, stood up straight to emphasize the size difference between the two, and growled out “Is there a problem here?”

“That depends, does the Freddy Krueger mask come off, or is it permanently stuck to your face?” Dan responded with a smile.

“Hey, you’re the guy who keeps on disturbing the peace. I think you better move along buddy, before I make ya.”

“I choose, ‘b’,” Dan said with a smile.

“Your funeral, pal.” The security officer reached for his mace and emptied the contents in Dan’s face.

Dan, having been repeatedly exposed to basically every mace under the sun during his life, responded by simply inhaling the mist, then blowing a breath full of capsaicin back at the security officer’s face.

The security guard dropped his canister and started frantically rubbing his eyes.

“Now, Pinkie!” Dan shouted.

With a “Wheeee….” Pinkie pushed her weight forward on the Segway racing up to several miles per hour.

“Hey…that’s my…” The mall officer said through burning pain on his face. Before he could utter another word, Dan gracefully spread his arms as if he was beginning some ballet move, then quickly and violently moved his arms to push the mall officer. Dan threw all his weight against the move and propelled the hapless security guard down the up-moving escalator.

Pinkie pulled up in the Segway, dumped the contents of her lemonade on the escalator, causing it to short and accelerate.

The mall officer began screaming as he seemed to be trapped in a constant falling up/down predicament.

Chris sighed, and continued eating his food.

With a “Wheeeeeeeeee…” and a maniacal laugh Pinkie and Dan shot past him, the two pushing their weight forward on the front of the vehicle as Dan wrapped an arm around Pinkie’s waist, accelerating their vehicle into double digits of miles per hour…

…Only to stop at the elevator…

Without warning, Dan ran back to the table, snagged Pinkie’s project into a bag, and flipped the table with the rest of the contents spilling to the floor.

“Oh, COME ON!” Chris shouted, his meal now a greasy mess on the floor.

“Grab the loot Chris, and meet us at the steeds!” Dan shouted, running back towards the Segway as the elevator opened and rejoining Pinkie on the vehicle as they drove it past the doors.

Chris sighed and gathered all the various bags the two had left behind, and trudged towards the down-escalator, catching the “ouches” and “oofs” of the mall security officer, still stuck in his perpetual fall.

He got off the escalator and walked towards the mall entrance.

The elevator then opened, and Pinkie and Dan sped past him at the breakneck speed of 12.5 miles per hour, laughing and giggling the entire way over the panicked cry of “IT KEEPS HAPPENING!” From the escalator.

Before long, the trio were back by the cars, and Chris was attempting to squeeze the last bits of free space out of Dan’s car to fit Pinkie’s recently purchased items.

“Don’t forget the Segway!” Dan said to Chris as he threw his weight against the hatch, trying to close it.

“Dan, there’s no way that thing is going to fit in either car!” Chris said, mildly annoyed.

“But…” Dan began.

Pinkie rested a hand on his shoulder. “Dan, if you love something. Set it free.”

Dan placed his hand on Pinkie’s and looked up at her. “You’re right…he…” Dan began to tear up and even sniffed a little. “He belongs with his own kind.”

Chris looked at the Pinkie and Dan with a confused expression, not sure if the two were joking, or completely serious.

Pinkie, nodded solemnly, but with a smile.

She produced a large, white, store mannequin, and…

“Where’d you get that?” Dan asked, not sure where the girl had magically manifested an entire mannequin from.

“I saved it from the clothing store!”

“So you’ve been carrying it around this entire time?!” Dan asked shocked. “I can’t believe I never noticed…”

Pinkie smiled and wedged the mannequin into place, pushing the front console of the Segway forward, in turn, causing it to speed off into the distance…

…Just in time for a mall security car to screech round the corner, the driver’s face bruised and bright red, his mouth crying out for justice. He saw the Segway far too late, and crashed directly into it; causing Segway to go under car, causing car to topple over Segway, and land, hard, on its top…

…and then catch flame, as you do.

Chris covered his eyes with both his hands, trying to immediately blot out the memory of what he saw.

Dan covered his mouth with both his hands, trying to hide his giant toothy grin.

Pinkie covered her ears with each hand, trying to process this new set of carnage.

The mall officer covered as much air as he could touch with his flaming hands as he ran screaming from the wreck.

The trio’s eye’s followed a bouncing, flaming wheel of the car as it went on its merry way past them, then their eyes shifted towards a flatter wheel of the Segway that began rolling in a circle in front of them a few times before tilting inwards, vibrating a few times as it continued to spin, then finally stopping.

…and then it also caught flame.

…as you do.

Pinkie looked down at the now flaming wheel in front of them, then looked back up to Chris. “This is my life from now on, isn’t it?” she asked blankly.

Chris sighed, placed a hand under one elbow, supporting the arm, then using hand on that arm to rest his face on. “Yep,” he answered simply. “You get used to it,” he added.

“Really?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

Chris stared off into space and gave a little shudder. “No…not really.”

Dan said nothing, his evil grin speaking for him. He took out his notepad, flipped a few pages, and then crossed 'Mall cop' off the list.

“So…” Chris said, breaking the silence. “Dinner?”

Pinkie’s expression brightened.

“Vegetarian? Pass.” Dan said simply.

“Ahh, Dan! I know it’ll still be fun if you come along. Pretty please with lactose free cream on top?” Pinkie pleaded with a big, toothy smile, cupping her hands under her chin.

Dan looked at Pinkie, then at his bedazzled car, then back to Pinkie, and finally back to his car.

Dan shoot Pinkie a glare. “I said, ‘No!’” He opened his car door, sat down, slammed the door after him, buckled up, started the car, and sped off.

Pinkie looked on in despair as Dan’s car sped off, she looked down and started to fiddle with the hem of her shirt.

She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and looked up.

“He’ll come around,” Chris assured gently.

Pinkie inhaled deeply than exhaled, still tracking the now pink and sparkly hatchback with her eyes. “I hope so Chris, I really do.”

-ooo-

Dan grinned evilly to himself as he examined the key Pinkie had given him the night before.

He placed it on top of the, pink, frilly photo album sitting in his passenger seat.  This was almost too easy.

...Almost.

Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 89 Dan Vs. Loneliness

The Wheel and the ButterflyA Dan X Pinkie Pie sagaPart 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies RelationshipChapter 89 Dan Vs. Loneliness-ooooooo-

Dan fell to the floor as he felt himself being pulled into the mass of Pinkie Pies, the pink mare herself occupying the focus of his thoughts. Though, given the circumstances, it was difficult to think of anything else. He felt arms and hooves reach out for him. The mad and voracious chorus of, “Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun!” became deafening as he was dragged into the middle of the mass that would no doubt tear him to shreds in a violent orgy of the pink ponies fighting over him. To his surprise, he realized the arms and eager teeth of the ponies seemed to be missing and slipping off of him as something continued to pull him through the middle and out the back of the mass. He felt himself being dragged by the pants leg across the smooth, concrete floor and looked up to see a single Pinkie Pie galloping at an incredible speed away from the group.

“Pinkie?!” Dan exclaimed.

The pink mare dug her hooves into the floor to stop herself. Dan slid across the floor and up onto the back of the pink pony. He quickly attempted to steady himself on the earth pony’s back.

“You stupid… out of your mind… crazy… insanely sexy…” Pinkie erupted in a growl of frustration, “EERRRGGGGGGGGERRRRRRRR! WHAT THEY HAY WHERE YOU THINKING?!”

Dan held onto his girlfriend’s mane as if his life depended on it, mostly because it did. “I was trying to be noble!” Dan cried.

Pinkie broke into a gallop once more. “Well…BE NOBLE IN A WAY THAT DOESN’T RESULT IN DEATH BY SNU-SNU…” she paused, “OR death at ALL, preferably…”

Pinkie galloped down the corridor as the herd of pink look likes followed with the same crazed fervor as before.

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

 “Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

“Fun! Dan! Fun!Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun!”

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

“Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun!”

“I was thinking of you!” Dan protested.

“Yes you were, and it was VERY sweet, and when this is all over you’re going to get mad smoochees and favors like you wouldn’t BELIEVE, but right now I need to keep you alive for that to happen!”

Dan paused, “…What kind of favors?”

Pinkie turned her head and smirked as she flashed Dan a bemused look, “Do you even have to ask?!”

Dan grinned, “I must say, you seem remarkably coherent considering the last few hours.”

“All the apples and horse tranquilizers started to wear off by the time Chris started on his second Pizza Pocket and junk food stuffed pizza,” Pinkie explained.

-oooooo-

“Pa…Pinkie!” Chris exclaimed from the floor with giant, saucer sized pupils.

“Yeah, Chris?” Pinkie asked as she squinted into open space with a pained expression and rubbed a forehoof against her forehead.

“I’ve… I’ve done it!” Chris explained. “I’ve reached Foodvana!”

“Can you taste anything?” Pinkie asked.

“Yes, wonderful things!” Chris replied. With a loud ‘Slurp!’, he ran his tongue over the floor. “My God, it’s full of bacon!”

“Huh…” Pinkie replied. “You know… this isn’t as much fun as to watch as it is to experience… I think I’ll track down Dan…”

“Tell him…” Chris began, “… tell him… Bacongri-La does exist… and… and… that he owes me twenty bucks…”

Pinkie paused, “Because of a bet, or because he just owes you twenty dollars?”

Chris paused, “Uh…Tell him Bacongri-La exists and that he owes me two thousand-five hundred-and twenty bucks…”

-oooooo-

Pinkie rounded a corner of the complex, pulling a tight turn that resulted in her galloping over the wall itself for a bit before returning towards the floor. The clones behind her slipped and crashed into the wall.

“Still,” Dan continued, “you’re also trying to save me instead of jump me, that’s a big improvement!”

“Priorities,” Pinkie replied simply. “I mean, I don’t think I could rock your world and fight off a dozen copies of myself at the same time.”

“Uh…  fair enough,” Dan said. “Where are we going anyhow?”

“I have no idea!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

-oooooo-

“What… what happened?” Elise exclaimed as she watched the horde of pink ponies exit the room and scramble down the hall. “Why’d they leave?!”

Twilight smiled as she tried to normalize her breathing, “Huffff… puffff…Pa…Pinkie showed up.”

“Oh?” Elise asked.

Twilight nodded, “Sha…huff…  She slipped in with the rest at some point… puff… I directed Dan to stand near her when I took down the shield…”

“Oh… so Dan’s safe…” Elise said. Wow, I can’t believe how relieved that makes me…

Twilight frowned, “Until Pinkie hits a dead end.”

Elise paused. She walked out of the store room and into the main hall, directing the mirror to follow her. She pressed a few buttons on her remote and the sound of large metal doors coming down echoed all over the complex.

“Huh? What was that?” Twilight asked.

“I closed off some of the complex, the main hall is now completely circular,” Elise explained.

Twilight furrowed her brow as she stared at Elise, “Wait… why didn’t you do that when we were being chased?!” Twilight said in a somewhat demanding tone. “We could have at least ran around a little bit longer…” Twilight mused.

“YOU TRY navigating an underground complex where everything looks the same while slightly drunk, being chased by a horde of Pinkie Pies, operating a remote, and being yelled at by Dan!”

“Uh… fair enough,” Twilight replied.

“Come on!” Elise cried as she ran down the hallway, the mirror following behind.

“I uh… don’t have a choice, remember?”  Twilight said.

“Oh… right…” Elise replied as she glanced at the ceiling.

“Where we headed, anyhow?” Twilight asked.

“I’m going to retrieve my weapons and stock up on a few non-lethal items to take down the Pinkie clones,” Elise explained.

“Non-lethal? Why should that matter? They’re just clones,” Twilight said.

“Do you think you could easily kill something if it looked like one of your best friends?” Elise asked.

“Uh, surprisingly I have quite a bit of experience there,” Twilight replied. “Especially with things that look like Pinkie,” she said as she motioned out with a forehoof. “Turns out it’s not a problem for me.”

Elise paused, “Wow… I think even I’m in awe of your emotional disconnect here…”

“Uh… thanks?” Twilight said in an unsure tone with an expression to match. “Anyhow, a while ago you had no issues with using the Pinkie clones in experiments so…”

“But that’s totally different!” Elise replied.

Twilight cocked an eyebrow, “You mean they’d only mostly be assured a gruesome and bizarre death before they exploded instead of assuredly receiving a quick death before exploding?”

“Uh… okay, good point. Guess I’ll grab the MAC 10s…”

Twilight nodded then knitted her eyebrows, “What’s a MAC 10?”

“A compact bullet hose,” Elise explained as she ran into a room and began reaching for firearms as well as her sword and a few other melee weapons.

“…What’s a bullet hose?” Twilight asked.

Elise grinned as she grabbed a large, rectangular pistol, “You’ll see…” she purred.

-ooo-

Dan continued to hold tightly to his girlfriend’s mane as he glanced behind them, “I think we lost them…”

Pinkie slowed her galloping down to a canter. “Guess they don’t handle running on walls as well as me…”

Dan glanced down at the ground as the two made their way through the complex, “What’s with all this bubbling black stuff… and why did all the doors close just a bit ago?!”

“How the hay am I supposed to know?!” Pinkie replied. “What’s with all the questions!?” she said irritably.

“Uh… you feeling, okay, goofball?” Dan asked, unused to girlfriend snapping at him.

Pinkie sighed, “No… In fact, I’m having a massive hangover from that thing YOU shot me up with…” Pinkie said in a slightly accusatory tone.

“Hey, you were going to jump me again first chance you got!” Dan protested.

“Uh… okay, guess I don’t really have a response for that…” Pinkie replied, “Any-the-how, between that and the crazy amount of unhealthy food I’ve eaten in the last couple hours…”

“Don’t forget condiments straight out of jars and bottles,” Dan reminded.

Pinkie sighed, “… I won’t… Like I was saying… I feel Awful, with a capital ‘A’ and a bold and italicized ‘ful’!”

“Well, at least you seem to have your urges under control…” Dan mused.

Pinkie shook her head, “Only because I’m a bit distracted with the whole, ‘running for our lives’ thing… well… mostly yours, anyways…”

“Wait… you mean to tell me even with a hangover and your weight in apples and junk food in your stomach you STILL can’t get me out of your mind?”

Pinkie nodded weakly.

“I guess I should be flattered,” Dan replied.

Pinkie giggled, “Hehehe…What can I say? You’re a stud.”

Dan paused, “…Stud, huh…?”

“…You say something?” Pinkie asked.

“Uh… just weighing my options, I guess…” Dan replied.

“Oh? What do you…” Pinkie paused as she looked forward. “Oh! Hi Elise! Hi Twilight!” she said with a smile as she ran up to and past her marooned hair friend and the mirror that displayed the purple alicorn.

“Pinkie!” Elise called out. “Wait!”

“Can’t wait!” Pinkie shouted back. “Kinda running for Dan’s life!”

“Uh, Goofball…?” Dan interjected. “If we passed them that means we’re running in a circle…”

“Huh… I guess we are…”

“Yes, and it’s just that… well we haven’t seen your clones in a bit… so…”

“I’m not sure I follow…” Pinkie said as she rounded a corner and…

“Fun?”

“Dan?”

The corners of Dan’s and Pinkie’s lips suddenly fell as if dragged towards the ground by a massive gravitational force. There was a brief pause as the two locked eyes with Pinkie’s clones.

“Pinkie…” Dan whispered.

“Yes, Dan?” Pinkie whispered back.

“If we stand perfectly still do you think they’ll notice us?”

“... Well…they’re my clones and not clones of dinosaurs out of a movie… so … no…”

“FUN!”

“DAN!”

“Aaaand, there you go!” Pinkie cried as she turned around and broke into a gallop.

“Dan!Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

“Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun! Dan!Fun!”

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Fun! Dan! Fun!Dan! Fun!”

“Pinkie!” Elise called as she ran to catch up with the pink mare and Dan, mirror still following. “Wait!”

“Still being chased, Elise!” Pinkie cried.

Elise pulled out a pair of rectangular shaped, automatic pistols, “I know, get behind me.”

“Oh, this ain’t going to be pretty…” Dan uttered as Pinkie slowed to a halt behind Elise and the mirror.

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Dan! Fun! Dan!Fun! Dan!Fun!”

“Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun!”

“Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan! Dan! Fun! Dan! Fun! Dan!”

Elise pointed her weapons at the group of charging ponies and opened fire.

‘Dakkadakkadakkadakkadakkdakkadakkadakkadakkadakkadakkadakkadakkadakka!’

Elise weapons erupted in a torrent of bullets and a cascade of spent shells. The bullets slammed into the pink ponies, bringing them to the ground as pink ooze erupted from their wounds covering the concrete floors and walls.

Twilight wearily stood up on her hooves. Her horn began to glow purple as she focused her eyes on a single pinkie clone. A bolt of purple energy flew from her horn and out the mirror striking one of the clones and ending it with a loud, messy ‘POP!’

Dan cringed, “We’ll that’s a few hours spend hitting my head against something solid if I want to avoid screaming myself to sleep…”

“Awww, but your night screams are so cute!” Pinkie said with a smile. “And they result in extra snuggles…”

Twilight took a couple deep breaths before returning to a prone position amongst her books and spells, “Husssssphhhhuuu…Bullet hose, huh?” she said as she looked up at Elise.

Elise, likewise, breathed in and out to catch her breath, “Huff… puff… Yep…” she said with a small smile.

Dan dismounted Pinkie and stepped to the, now, rather sticky floor. “Does anyone have any ideas here that won’t end in my untimely death?”

Pinkie flashed Dan a mad grin, “I have a few ideas…”

“Hush you!” Dan replied.

“GUYS!”

The group turned as Chris ran down the corridor, coming from the opposite direction of the Pinkie horde.

“Ooooh, good,” Dan said in a sarcastic tone, “Uslesser is here. This oughta be good…”

“RUN!” Chris cried as he approached the group.

“Again?!” The group exclaimed.

“Giant… huff…” Chris stopped running as he joined the group to catch his breath, “…puff …black and pink… slime monster! WHAT THE HECK ARE THOSE?!” Chris exclaimed at the pile of bullet hole ridden Pinkie Pies.

“Oh, just the results of science gone horribly right,” Twilight said.

“You mean WRONG!” Dan insisted.

“I know what I said,” Twilight shot back.

Elise frowned, “I thought we killed the slime monster.”

Pinkie and Dan looked up at Elise and Twilight. Pinkie had an inquisitive expression. Dan, an annoyed one.

A loud, deep cry burbled out from down the hallway, “FUuUuUuUuUuUNNNNNNNNNNN!”

“What did you two do?” Dan said in a demanding tone.

“We uhh… may have bombarded one of Pinkie’s DNA samples with gamma radiation,” Elise said sheepishly as she held one of her guns in the crock of her arm and reloaded the other.

“Nifty!” Pinkie exclaimed

“You made a Pinkie-HULK-slime monster?!” Dan cried.

“We didn’t know it was going to create a giant slime monster!” Twilight protested.

“You were using gamma radiation!” Dan pointed out. “How could it not create a giant monstrosity!?”

“It’s not like we ponies have had a lot of opportunity to work with radiation!” Twilight replied.

“Hmmmm…” Dan turned and shot Elise an accusatory glare.

“…Okay yeah, in hindsight that was a pretty bad idea,” Elise admitted.

“Ummm, shouldn’t we be running?” Chris suggested.

 “Huh… the Pinkie syrup is leaving…” Pinkie uttered as she stared at the floor. The splatters of pink ooze began to retract towards the pile of pink ponies.

“Fun…”

The group’s collective expression turned worried as they looked over the fallen Pinkie Pies. To their surprise, bullets began to fall out of the pink mares’ bodies as the ooze retracted back into wounds and shifted back into short, pink hair.

The sound of several balloons deflating at once hit the group in a crescendo.

‘PPHHHHRRRRREEEEEESSSSHHHH!’

The group of Pink ponies rose to their hooves, their once curly hair now straight. Only a single splatter left from Twilight’s attack left one still a mess of viscous, pink, fluid. “Fun,” they said in unison. The ponies were no longer smiling, and the wild, uncaged joy had fallen from their eyes, replaced with a killer glare that they leveled at the group of humans and pair of ponies.

“Fun…” they all uttered again. “Fun!” they cried in a sinister tone.

Dan quickly raised a palm to his forehead with a loud, ‘SMACK!’ “Oh nice, and you two made T-1000 Pinkie clones as well…” he uttered. “That’s just… that’s just great…”

One of the clones began to bubble out in all directions, “FUUUUuUuUuUuUNNNN…”

‘POP!’

“That explode horrifically…” Dan added as more of the pink goo splattered out in all directions. He looked down at Pinkie, “Guessing the straight hair and angry expressions means they’re not here to party with me anymore.”

Pinkie swallowed as she reached into her mane and fumbled for her crowbar, it fell to the ground with a loud ‘Clang!’ Pinkie swallowed, “You might say they’re going to party with everyone…” Pinkie lowered her head and picked up her crowbar with her teeth.

“Oh, so our deaths are assured then,” Dan said. “Well, except for Sparkler’s…”

“For what it’s worth,” Twilight said, “I wish I was there with you guys…”

“Well… at least I got to experience Foodvana…” Chris uttered, his face pale and his eyes distant.

“Fun…” the clones uttered as one. “Fun! FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN!”

“FUuUuUuUuUuUNNNNNNNNNNN!”

“Ah!” Chris cried out in alarm as the now black and pink marbled slime monster rounded the corner.

Elise crossed her weapons in front of her chest and pointed them in either direction, “I’M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS!”

“DAN,” Twilight cried, “do you have your lighter with you?!”

“Are fires a thing that almost always need to be created at any given time?!” Dan replied.

“Get it!” Twilight said.

Dan quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out his golden Zippo lighter.

“FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN!”

“FUuUuUuUuUuUNNNNNNNNNNN!”

Elise pulled the triggers on her weapons as the group of Pinkies and slime monster continued to approach them.  Muzzle fire erupted from each weapon as a hailstorm of bullets flew in either direction.

‘Dakkadakkadakkadakkadakkdakkadakkadakkadakkadakkadakkadakkadakkadakka…’

The slime monster once again bubbled as the stream of bullets flew into its viscous body.

The Pinkie’s fell to the floor as bullets slammed into them. However, this time they continued to crawl forward despite the onslaught.

“CHRIS,” Twilight shouted over the sound of gunfire, “RAISE DAN UP TO THE CEILING!”

“Huh?” Dan uttered. “Hey! Whoa…”

Chris quickly wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and lifted him up as Pinkie and Elise began to back up towards the mirror.

‘Dakkadakkadakkadakkadakkdakkada-Click…click…click…”

“Empty!” Elise called out as she dropped the weapons and pulled out her ninjatō. She held the sword blade defensively in front of her.

“DAN,” Twilight cried, “USE YOUR LIGHTER ON THE SPRINKLERS!”

Dan flicked the wheel on his lighter, and a small, orange flame suddenly came to life. He held the fire under one of the sprinklers as Chris held him in place.

“FUuUuUuUuUuUNNNNNNNNNNN!”

“FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN!”

The slime monster suddenly surged forward towards the group as the Pinkie’s leapt into the air.

“Warning, fire detected in main corridor.”

‘FISSSSSSSHHHHH…’

Water began to fall from the sprinklers, soaking humans, ponies, and slime monster alike.

The Pinkie clones and slime monster slammed into the group. However, instead of a solid hit that began to tear into the group, everyone was hit with a gelatinous, mass of pink and black sludge.

“What just happened?” Pinkie asked as she picked herself off to ground, slime dripping from her body. She quickly located Dan and trotted over to him. She began nuzzling her fallen boyfriend.

“Uhg…” Dan uttered as he opened his eyes and stared up into the twin glassy, sky-blue orbs of his girlfriend’s face, “...well that was unpleasant.”

Pinkie merely giggled in response and continued nuzzling Dan with her sticky mane.

“Hey… guys!” Twilight called out in a muffled voice. “I can’t see…”

Elise and Chris sat up out of the slime and looked at the fallen mirror.

“Chris, help me lift it up,” Elise said.

Chris nodded, “Sure, Elise.”

‘… SSSSSssssssshhhh…’

The two picked up the mirror out of ooze as the sprinklers above them stopped spraying everything. The goo dripped off the smooth surface revealing a much relieved looking purple alicorn.

“Nice mirror…” Chris commented. “It’s still intact…”

“The slime must have cushioned the fall…” Elise mused.

“How’d you know the sprinklers would work, Twilight?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight shook her head, “I didn’t, but when Elise took out the slime monster the first time, I noticed the ooze seemed to react to water. Given that the monster and Pinkies seemed to be mostly comprised of sugar, I figured it was worth a shot.”

Pinkie gasped, “Good thinking Twilight! You’re the smartest pony, ever, ever, ever!”

“Minus that part where you almost got us all killed,” Dan said as he climbed to his feet and brushed slime off of him.

Elise cleared her throat.

“Helped get us killed,” Dan corrected.

Elise nodded satisfactorily.

“Push the mirror towards the wall, guys” Twilight commanded. “I can probably remove the magic energy in the ooze and let us avoid this becoming a problem again.

Chris and Elise pushed the mirror back allowing Twilight to see more of the hall. Her horn glowed purple once more as magic energy slowly seeped out of the mirror and onto the slime. The glow spread across the mass of wet syrup on the floor before quickly flickering in intensity and going out entirely.

“There,” Twilight said, “that should do it…”

“Nice work, Twilight,” Elise said as she smiled at the mirror.

Twilight smiled weakly in response, “Thanks…”

Pinkie looked up at her boyfriend as a grin slowly began at the corners of her mouth and pulled her lips out as far as her face would allow. “Now where were we?”

Dan swallowed. “Uh… getting out of this slime covered place?” he said hopefully.

Pinkie shook her head as her eyes turned wild. “I don’t think so…” She said as she suddenly shifted her weight to her hind quarters.

“Aah!” Dan cried out in alarm as Pinkie pounced him, knocking him to ooze covered floor.

Twilight sighed, “Here we go again…”

Dan closed his eyes as his body tensed. He attempted to push himself back into the concrete floor as he felt Pinkie’s moist, hot breath against his face.

“Sniff… hhehhh… hhheeeehhh… I can’t…”

Dan felt something wet and hot fall on his face. He opened his eyes and looked up as tears fell from Pinkie’s eyes onto his cheeks.

Pinkie stared at Dan with quivering pupils that seemed to be fighting to stay focused. Her eyes became a mixture of sadness and madness that seemed to be fighting for control over the pink mare.

“Hic… hhehhh… I can’t control it… Ehhhhwhoua… I’M SO SORRY, DAN!” She cried as her eyes erupted in a fountain of tears. “WHOUAAAAAAHWUAAAAAAHWUAAAAAA…”

Dan slowly pushed Pinkie off of him and stood up once more. Rather than take the opportunity to get away, he kneeled down next to Pinkie and wrapped his arms around the crying mare. “It’ll be okay, Pinkie…” he whispered. “It’s alright…”

Twilight, Elise, and Chris looked on silently, serious, glum expressions occupying their faces.

“Pa…please… hic… let go…” Pinkie said weakly. “If you keep holding me like that… sniff… I’m going to lose control again…”

Dan eyes widened and he paused as he slowly broke his embrace and stepped back. He ran a wrist under his eyes, wiping away a few tears as he continued to look at Pinkie.

Pinkie focused her tear filled eyes on Elise, “Lock me up…” she uttered.

Dan and Twilight exchanged a quick glance as Dan turned back to Pinkie, “Pinkie, that’s not…”

Pinkie shook her head, “No Dan… I don’t… I don’t want to force you into anything you’re not sure about doing… I never want to do that…”

Dan swallowed and nodded his head.

Elise sighed heavily as she wiped a tear from her eye. She turned to Twilight, “Uh… I think we should call it a day.”

Twilight nodded.

Elise turned to Dan, “What do you want to do.”

Dan sighed, “Well… I can’t just leave Pinkie here.”

“YES YOU CAN!” Pinkie cried.

Dan shot his pink marefriend a glare that caused her to bite her lip and keep quiet.

Elise nodded, “There’s a room I have set up incase I’m working late and need to crash. Why don’t you clean the slime off of you and you can stay there.”

“Sure Elise… thanks…” Dan said.

Elise turned to Twilight, “Uh… I guess you’re free to go?”

Twilight shook her head, “Leave me with Dan for now… I think I wouldn’t mind talking to him some more.” She turned towards Dan, “If that’s okay with you…”

“Sure, Sparkler…” Dan replied.

The group paused as Pinkie began to shake and tremble at an almost violent rate.

“Come on Pinkie,” Elise said, “I’ll get you set up.”

Pinkie continued to chomp on her lower lip as she nodded. She looked at Dan with a sad, apologetic look and walked down the corridor with Elise.

Dan just stared out as his shoulders slumped.

He felt a comforting hand on his shoulder and looked up at Chris.

“Don’t worry buddy,” Chris said, “it’ll be alright…”

Dan looked up briefly, then wordlessly turned and followed Pinkie with his eyes until the pink mare was out of sight.

-oooooo-

Dan sighed heavily as he sat on the bed in the barren room. His clothes had been replaced with a fresh pair and the mirror sat against a wall facing the bed. He hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights, and the mirror served as the only illumination against Dan, the bed, and the bare concrete walls.

“You don’t sound all that pleased with the situation,” Twilight said.

“My girlfriend is in a cell,” Dan pointed out.

“True, but it’s for your protection,” Twilight replied.

“That’s just it… I mean, I’m still not comfortable with the whole Pinkie being a pony thing and wanting to get really, really close to me whether I want to or not… but… I’ve probably only spent a grand total of two nights apart from her since we met…” Dan said with melancholy wistfulness as he looked at the remote in his hand. Elise had given it to him if he needed to move the mirror or open any of the doors of the complex. Dan mused that this meant that Elise had, uncharacteristically, trusted him with a number of dangerous items in the complex. However, the thought of figuring out what any of them did and using them was pretty far from his thoughts.

“Honestly, a big part of me just wants to let her loose and just accept the fact that she’s not going to be able to control herself around me until she gets this out of her system,” Dan continued.

“You mean you into her system,” Twilight said with a smirk.

Dan winced but smiled, “Alright, Sparkler, I’m going to let that one slide, but only because it was actually pretty funny. Anyhow…” Dan continued as he looked at Twilight, “I love her, and I want to be with her… and I certainly don’t want her to be alone in a cell for the rest of the night…”

The two paused as the heard the clattering of metal bars against the ground.

Twilight looked at Dan and raised an eyebrow, “Was that your newfound dimensional powers kicking in?” she asked.

“No… I’m pretty sure that was us not realizing Pinkie had a blowtorch or angle grinder or who knows what in that curly mane of hers,” Dan said as his expression turned pensive.

“DaAaAaAn… Come out to plaAaAay… DaAaAaAn…” Pinkie sang out, her voice echoing eerily in the metal, underground bunker.

Dan shook his head and sighed, “You know… if she wasn’t so forceful and completely weird about this, I may not even have an issue here…”

“Yeah,” Twilight agreed, “she’s pretty chaotic at the moment, allri…” Twilight paused and smacked a hoof against her face.

“What?”

“I’m such an idiot!” Twilight cried.

Dan paused, “I’m very proud of you, Sparkler. The first step is admitting you have a problem.”

“NO! I mean, there’s a very simple way to get Pinkie back and I’ve been going about it the hard way, again, all because I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s the easy way!” Twilight said.

“What?!” Dan exclaimed, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Exactly!”

The two paused as a loud ‘Clank!’ was heard and the door opened slightly. A pink muzzle poked out from under the opening.

Dan looked at the door with a panicked expression. “Never mind,” he said shaking his head. “So you can change Pinkie back?”

Twilight shook her head, “I can’t, but I know who can…”

“Oh, well… go get them…”

Twilight nodded, “It’ll take a while…”

Dan looked at the door nervously, “Can you be more specific?”

“Erm…” Twilight gave Dan a nervous grin, “See you tomorrow?”

“WHAT?! Tomorrow?! But…”

Twilight shook her head, “Sorry Dan, it can’t be helped, but there is one thing I can do for you…”

“Oh? And that is..?” Dan asked as he cocked an eyebrow.

“Plan ‘B’,” Twilight said.

Dan went quiet and stared at Twilight as if seriously considering the option for the first time, “Alright, hit me.”

Twilight cooked an eyebrow, “You sure?”

‘Keeekrrkeeekrrrkeeekee…’

Dan ignored the sound of Pinkie operating herself like a floor jack to lift the heavy metal door.

“If Pinkie can find it in her to love a human, well then…” Dan smiled weakly, “…I guess I can do the same for her.”

 Twilight merely smiled and nodded. Her horn glowed bright purple as energy shot out of it and engulfed the mirror, a beam exited it and hit Dan. Dan felt his body change. His clothing clung to his body tightly and changed to grey hair, his legs and arms shorted, his ears lengthened, he felt his mouth and nose jut out slightly from his face, his muscles seemed to contract and become denser. Soon he was standing on four legs that ended in hooves as a short, black tail sported just above his hindquarters.

Dan looked over his new, grey haired body with a worried expression. He craned his neck to look behind him as he flicked his black haired tail out and stared at the image of three sticks of lit dynamite in a bundle. Unaccustomed to his new body, he began to shake as panic griped him. His eyes opened wide as he turned to Twilight, “Okay… this is weird! Maybe we can try putting her to sleep again…”

Twilight shook her head, “Look Dan,” she began, “I feel bad here, I really do! But I CAN’T fix this situation while dragging around a gigantic mirror around with me so I can I blast one of my best friends with magic ‘feel good’ beams.”

“Well… you can try!” Dan said hopefully.

“I have to go out in public, for crying out loud!” Twilight replied.

Dan scrunched his muzzle up and shot a glare at Twilight, “So, I have to suffer just so you don’t embarrass yourself?”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow at Dan, “Do you want me to get your girlfriend off in full public view of Ponyville?”

“Uh… complaint withdrawn…” Dan replied as his features softened and his quaking lessened to mild trembling.

Twilight sighed and shook her head slowly, “Sorry Dan… for what it’s worth, your body chemistry is now stallion and in a very short amount of time here, you really aren’t going to care that you were a human a few seconds ago.”

“Can’t you stick around and at least try to knock her out once before heading out?” Dan asked in a somewhat pleading tone.

“Trust me, this is going to work out a lot better for you than you think, just be sure to think of me when you’re having the best sex of your life.”

“WHAT?!”

Twilight grinned wide before quickly trotting off out of sight.

“No!” Dan protested. “Sparkler! Get back here!”

 “HeEeEeEeEeEy looooover~!”

Dan’s blood ran cold as he looked behind him.

Pinkie’s eyes shot open wide and her pupils grew as if someone had spilled a mass of black ink on her eyes. “You…you’re a pony…” she murmured.

“Uh… surprise?” Dan said with a nervous grin. “WHOA,” Dan saw a flash of pink before he was knocked onto his back. He stared up at the mare who now had him pinned down to the ground.

Pinkie bit her lower lip as she stared at Dan with her wide, impossibly hungry eyes. “Sorry Dan,” Pinkie lowered her muzzle next to Dan’s ear, “but I’m about to rock you so hard, you might not see straight for the next-OW!” Pinkie paused and her eyes cleared ever so slightly. “Did you… did you just bite my ear?”

Dan chuckled, “Sorry, but you smell really nice…”

“Oh… erm…” Pinkie blushed slightly and moved her head to look Dan in the eyes, “Thanks…” Pinkie paused as she looked into Dan’s eyes. The green in them had practically been obliterated by the insatiable looking void of his pupils.

Dan felt his panic and nervousness flee his body as Pinkie’s scent hit his nostrils. Thoughts or concerns of adjusting to his new form suddenly became very distant and difficult to concentrate on, not the he possessed the desire to care about such things at the moment. The scent of Pinkie obliterated all other thoughts from his mind. She was now his entire world, and nothing would keep him from her. “No, you smell, really, REALLY nice,” Dan said as he looked up at Pinkie with a mad grin.

Pinkie gulped as a nervous look began to seep into her features, “Dan you’re scaring m…sniff… sniff…” Pinkie’s pensive look quickly gave way back to the same, crazed hungry look she had moments before.

Pinkie locked her ravenous, sky-blue eyes with Dan’s equally hungry green eyes. The lovers smiled madly at each other.

“Lock the doors and close the blinds…” Pinkie and Dan sang softly to one another.

“We’re going for a ride…”

-ooooooo-

Twilight’s pensive expression changed to a small smile as she heard sounds of Dan and Pinkie in the throes of passion emanate from the mirror. She chuckled softly to herself as her horn glowed purple and she muted the sound from the mirror. She glanced up towards the top of the library as her horn glowed once more and a blanket levitated off her bed and over the mirror.

“Spike?” she called out. “I’m heading out.”

“Uh… Can I get dinner in here, maybe?” Spike called out from the bathroom.

Twilight chuckled, “Sorry Spike. You’re on your own for the night. I have a pony to see and somewhere else to be.”

There was a pause. “…Alright Twilight, have fun!”

Twilight smiled, “Oh… I’m sure I will…”

She gave a quick satisfied nod to herself as she trotted to the library door and exited into the cool night of Ponyville. She spread her wings and flapped them, ascending into the night sky as she wobbly made her way to town hall. She descended to the entrance of the three story building and levitated open the large, twin doors, stepping inside.

The grand hall was dark and empty, as Twilight entered. However, she could hear voices echo from the floor above the large hall. She made her way up a set of stairs that stopped in front of another large set of doors.

“Good evening, Princess,” Mayor Mare greeted as the brown pony stood in front of the doorway.

Twilight nodded politely. “Good evening Mayor,” Twilight greeted. “Everything going alright?”

The mayor frowned, “I’m not sure really… all I can tell is Princess Celestia seems to be having a rather animated discussion with a cat. Everyone one else has been rather quiet. I’ve been waiting for some time to present this,” The mayor said holding up a scroll.

“Uh, may I?” Twilight asked as she nodded at the scroll.

“Of course!” Mayor Mare exclaimed.

Twilight levitated the scroll over and examined it.

“It’s a budgeted list of items and improvements I was hoping I could request for Ponyville,” Mayor Mare explained.

Twilight nodded, “Do you have some ink and a quill?”

 The mayor smiled, “I’ll fetch them immediately…” She galloped off and quickly returned with the items Twilight requested.

Twilight levitated the ink and quill over to her. She dipped the quill quickly and began running it over the list. “No, no, yes, yes, yes, no, yes, yes…” Twilight said as she began crossing off and circling items on the list.

The mayor merely grinned nervously.

Twilight concluded going over the list by writing a few things at the bottom, she showed the list to the Mayor, “Will this do?”

Mayor mare quickly scanned the scroll, “Sure… uh… of course, Princess… but… we don’t need a new conference table… and city hall doesn’t need any repairs…”

Twilight chuckled to herself as a purple glow engulfed the doors to the meeting area, “It will…”

Twilight levitated the doors open. Cadance and Luna looked at her as she entered. Luna smiled while Cadance had an inquisitive and somewhat pensive look.

Flash Sentry and Shining Armor continued to stare off into open space with a 1,000 yard stare.

“Meow merrrow?” Mr. Mumbles mewed from the mirror.

Celestia chuckled and shook her head, “Tell me about it… after over 1,000 years I just accepted that I’m ruling a group of panicky, fickle creatures. It’s oddly liberating to just accept that something crazy happens almost every…” Celestia paused as she noticed Twilight.  “Oh! Hello, Twilight. Are you here to join us?”

Twilight grinned mischievously as the large, round, conference table glowed purple and levitated off the ground. “Not exactly…” Without warning Twilight lifted the table high into the air and threw it towards a window.

‘CRASH!’

Flash Sentry and Shining Armor came to as the heavy table shattered a window and broke through a wall, leaving a mess of splinters as it flew outside. Twilight’s horn sparked a brilliant flow of purple again as a bolt of magic flew from it with a ‘PHWOOOSSHOWSH!’ The bolt slammed into the table, obliterating it.

Celestia, Luna, and Mr. Mumbles merely looked at the purple alicorn with inquisitive expressions.

The collective jaws of Mayor Mare, Shining Armor, Flash Sentry, and Cadance dropped as they processed what Twilight had done.

“Twilight!” Cadance exclaimed. “What has gotten into you?!”

“Uh, Twili?” Shining Armor said, “Are you okay?”

Flash just stared blankly at Twilight.

Luna held up a hoof requesting silence. “It’s alright…” she smiled at Twilight, “Princess Twilight has the floor.”

Twilight smiled, “Sorry, but I just spent my entire day dealing with some interdimensional heat troubles with one of my best friends on top of fighting a slime monster and many copies of herself as a result.”

Celestia chuckled. “My, my, sounds like you’ve had a busy, crazy day.”

Twilight nodded, “As of such, I’ve afraid I won’t be able to participate in the remainder of tonight’s meeting. I must be off to Canterlot.”

“Twili!” Shining Armor said in an aghast tone, “You can’t just…”

Celestia merely chuckled, “That’s quite alright Twilight. We can conclude the summit here, unless there was anything else.”

Twilight nodded and floated the scroll over to Celestia and Luna, “Ponyville and I require the following.”

The two princess looked over the list and nodded.

“Seems reasonable,” Luna said with a nod. “Ponyville shall be granted sums to build these items at once.”

Mayor Mare beamed.

“Congratulations, Twilight,” Celestia said with a smile.

Cadance and Shining Armor exchanged a confused glance then looked back to Celestia, “Congratulations?!”

Flash merely looked back and forth between Twilight and Celestia.

The scroll glowed with dark blue energy as Luna rolled it up. She smiled and nodded, “Twilight has already deduced the most important part of a Princess summit.”

“Uh… and that is?” Flash asked.

“Getting whatever you want,” Celestia stated.

“WHAT?!” Cadance exclaimed.

“Well… it’s not like any of us actually needs anything for our respective territories,” Twilight pointed out.

Cadance and Shining Armor paused and dwelled on this.

Luna nodded, “That is correct… unless there is a crisis, the Princess Summit serves little purpose other than to show our subjects that we are unified across Equestria… The best a princess can do is blow off a little steam and ask for some money out of the royal reserves.”

Cadance sighed, “Well… I guess I’ll have to remember to make things more interesting for everypony when the Crystal Empire hosts its next summit... and that I want a bigger hot-tub.”

Celestia and Luna smiled and nodded.

“That would be most welcome,” Celestia said.

Twilight turned to Flash, “Sooo… about earlier…”

Flash shook his head and smiled, “I think I got the gist of it… Do I really want to know the details?”

Twilight tittered quietly, “Hehehe… no, no you do not.”

 “So, Canterlot,” Flash began, “well as your guard I should probably…”

“Keep me under close watch from inside the private car I just reserved?” Twilight suggested.

“Uh… I was just going to say, ‘Go with you’,” Flash smiled, “but I like your idea better.”

Twilight smiled back at her coltfriend, “Just be sure to keep a very close eye on me… I mean it…” she smiled mischievously and motioned out to the large hole in the wall with a forehoof, “I’m clearly out of control, you might have to restrain me…”

Shining Armor’s face turned bright crimson as Cadance, Celestia, and Luna all erupted in laughter.

Flash put on a nervous grin as he glanced across the room. Red faced he handed Twilight a notepad, “Oh, here’s your notes, by the way…”

Twilight glanced at the sheet, “ ‘Douche-nozzle’ has two ‘z’s” she informed.

“Whoops…” Flash replied.

Twilight chuckled and shook her head, “Forget about it. I’d rather have you write me a sonnet than take notes for my anyway.” Twilight frowned, “With the aid of a dictionary of course,” she said as she held out her arm, bending it at the elbow.

Flash smiled and hooked an arm around Twilight’s, “Sounds good to me.”

Twilight glanced behind her, “Sorry everypony! Gotta go! See you later.”

The group waved at Twilight and said their goodbye as she walked arm and arm with Flash out of the room.

“Sooo…” Shining Armor began, “what now?”

Luna smiled, “I vote we make the cat an official delegate of planet Earth.”

“WHAT?!” Celestia exclaimed.

“Second,” Cadance said with a smile.

“Third,” Shining armor added.

Mr. Mumbles gave a joyful, “Meow” and began to purr.

Celestia sighed, “Guess I better prepare more insults for next year…”

-ooooooo-

“Do you think they’re okay?” Chris asked as he and Elise made their way into the shed in their backyard.

“Well… Dan didn’t try to contact us…” Elise said as she pulled out a remote and pressed a button with her thumb. The floor beneath the couple began to lower.

“Yes, but that could be good or bad…” Chris mused. He glanced at the remote. “I thought you gave that to Dan…”

“I gave Dan A remote,” Elise said. “Do you really think I’m as crazy to give him free reign of my work area and everything in it?”

“Good point,” Chris replied.

The platform came to a stop at the bottom of a well-lit, concrete floor and the two stepped off the platform and made their way down the main hall.

“Oh uh…” Elise uttered.

“What?” Chris asked.

“The room Dan was in… the door’s been forced open…” Elise said as she broke into a sprint.

Chris ran after her.

Elise ran into the room and immediately emitted a high pitched shriek, “AAAAAEEEEEK!”

“Elise!” Chris cried in a panicked tone, “What’s… oh…” Chris uttered as he looked into the room.

“Would you two idiots keep it down?!”  Dan exclaimed in an irritated tone. “We didn’t exactly get a lot of sleep last night…”

Dan lowered his head back onto his forearms. The small, grey stallion was curled into a tight ball on the bed. A small black patch of hair poked out from his muzzle. His short, black tail laid in front of his back legs and flank, just under the three sticks of lit dynamite that made up his cutie mark. Pinkie laid draped over his back, her fore legs dangled over his torso as she rested her head on her upper arms. Under closed eyes, a content smile seemed permanently etched on her muzzle.

“I ca… I can’t!” Elise stammered. “It’s just too cute!” Her eyes rolled back into her head as she quickly lost consciousness.

Chris quickly dove, catching his wife before her body could hit the cold, hard, concrete ground below. He brought her back up and supported her limp frame with his body, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

“Uh hey guys... Everything went okay last night I take it?”

Pinkie softly giggled, “That’s one way of putting it…” Her eyes suddenly shot open, “Wow… do I feel sore.”

“Uh… TMI…” Chris uttered.

Pinkie giggled, “I meant from the drug, silly-Billy…Although, now that you mention it…”

“Uh… HEY!” Chris exclaimed, “Why don’t I take Elise up and make us all a nice batch of pancakes,” he suggested.

“Hmmm… pancakes,” Pinkie said hungrily.

Dan sighed, “Fine… we’ll be up in a bit, alright?”

Chris took a quick glance at the walls in the room. “Hey… why is everything covered in pink glitter and confetti?” He asked as he dragged a hand over the festive walls.

Dan cringed, “…Chris, go wash your hand, you idiot… tell Elise she might want to hose this room down.”

The color drained from Chris face. “Uh… right… see you two later…” Chris uttered as he walked out of the room, carrying Elise with him.

Dan grumbled irritably to himself, “And I was so comfortable too…” Dan stretched his body out on the bed as Pinkie remained draped over him. “Oh well…” Dan craned his neck and glanced back at Pinkie, “…at least we’re alone again,” he said with a devilish grin.

Pinkie blinked in response, “Wow Dan… and I thought I was insatiable…”

Dan chuckled, “It’s your fault for smelling so nice…”

“Heh…” Pinkie began rubbing her head up Dan’s back towards his short black mane. She buried her muzzle into his hair and took a big sniff, “Sniffff… I guess I can understand that…”

“Erm… I hope we’re not interrupting…”

Dan and Pinkie paused as they looked up to the mirror. Twilight and Discord stood in front of their own mirror, inside Twilight’s library.

“Oh, don’t be such a kill-joy, Princess,” Discord said with a wicked smile. “It was starting to get good…”

Pinkie hopped off of Dan and onto the floor, “Hiya, Twilight. Hiya, Discord! You here to join in the science fun today, too?” Pinkie asked with a smile.

Dan’s eyes shot open wide as a panicked expression latched onto his features like a large, steel bear-trap. “Oh, God… please no…”

“Science fun? Ohhohohoh…” Discord chuckled with a grin, “…Sounds like you threw one heck of a party without me, Princess.”

Twilight chuckled nervously, “Hehee… Actually, Discord is here to teach me a spell.”

Pinkie’s face lit up, “You mean…!”

Twilight nodded, “Yep… he knows how to turn you back into a human.”

Dan smiled as Pinkie erupted in a loud, cheerful, “Hurray!” and began pronking on all fours around the room.

Dan looked at Twilight with a frown, “Wait… you mean he know how to turn Pinkie back the whole time?!”

“Uh… yeah…” Twilight admitted with an embarrassed smile as redness began to paint her cheeks slightly.

Discord folded his arms and turned his head a perfect 90 degrees as he stared down at the purple alicorn. “Someone was a little slow to learn a valuable lesson about asking for help,” he said in a sing song rhythm as he tapped a lion claw against Twilight’s head

Twilight frowned and swatted at Discord’s paw with a forehoof, “Well, I remembered eventually! And I said I was sorry…”

Discord chuckled as his head titled back to a natural position. “That you did,” he said with a nod. “Well, no sense dragging this out,” discord raised his eagle claw into the air and glanced at Twilight once more. “You will remember to seek my guidance the next time something out of the ordinary happens, won’t you?”

Twilight nodded, “You’ll be the first, uh… draconequus I think of!”

Discord snickered, “Very well…” Discord snapped of his eagle talon.

Dan felt himself float up into the air slightly as his fur seemed to fall off his body, reforming into a black t-shirt that read ‘JERK’, a pair of jeans, socks, and shoes. His limbs shifted and change back to their normal appearance, as did his ears, and muzzle.

Dan floated into a sitting position on the bed. He quickly patted his body feeling his features as if confirming the chance was complete. He began to squirm uncomfortably on the bed and knitted his brow at Discord. Dan sat up and exposed his backside to the mirror. He pointed irritably at the tail that was sticking up out of his jeans.

“Awww, but it’s so cute!” Pinkie said as she ceased her bounding.

“I agree!” Discord said. “Why, I dare say you can start a new fashion trend.”

“I’m NOT walking around with a tail!” Dan declared

Discord rolled his head around and around on his neck, the act caused his eyes to, likewise, roll in their sockets, “Oh, alright, have it your way, party-pooper…” he snapped his talon and Dan’s tail disappeared. The draconequus glanced down at Twilight, “Got all that?”

Twilight nodded with a small smile. “Yeah, I did… hold still, Pinkie.”

Pinkie smiled, “Okie-dokie-lokie!”

Twilight horn glowed purple as a beam of purple energy shot out of the mirror and engulfed Pinkie. The pink mare rose into the air as her short, pink hair turned into a pink dress and blue jacket. Her arms and legs lengthened and slimmed down to their normal, petite selves and her muzzle retracted back into her small pointed nose and chin. The glow began to fade as Pinkie was lowered towards the floor onto her red sneakers.

Pinkie examined her hands excitedly, “YAY!” Pinkie brought her hands up to her cheeks and began rubbing her face against them, “Oh, Shakey and Wavey! I missed you two so much!” Pinkie looked up at Twilight and beamed, “Thank you, Twilight!”

Twilight smiled warmly at her friend, “You’re welcome.”

“But you can change me, back, right?!” Pinkie asked with a hopeful, happy grin.

“WHAT?!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Pfffft… hehehehHAHAHAHAHA!” Discord erupted into great, big belly laughs that sent the Draconequus to the ground as he gripped his sides and rolled around.

“You can’t be serious!” Twilight exclaimed.

Dan chuckled, “She’s serious…”

“But… but… after all that!” Twilight protested.

“Oh! I know you’ve been through so much Twilight! And believe me, for the last few days I’ve wanted nothing more than to be human again! But then you made Dan a pony and we had so much fun last night…” Pinkie paused as her eyes widened, “...And I mean, wild, crazy, uncontrollable, insane, super-duper fu…”

“I GET IT!” Twilight said. “Alright, I’ll change you both into ponies later,” Twilight said.

“Aww, Dis!” Pinkie exclaimed in a disappointed tone.

“You need to get home first, remember!” Twilight said. “I think it’ll be easier if you’re human and at least somewhat able to keep your arms off each other other…” Twilight sighed, “…Not that right now is a good example.”

“Oh… hehe,” Pinkie giggled as she unwrapped her arms from around Dan and sat up off his lap.

Dan chuckled, “You know there’s things we can only do as human…” Dan said as he lightly swatted Pinkie’s behind.

“Eeep!” Pinkie exclaimed as she reached her hands out behind her and lightly rubbed her bottom. She turned to Dan with a smirk, “Good point… I guess there was a few things I missed the last few days…”

“Oh really?” Discord said with a look of interest, “Do tell.”

Twilight cleared her throat, “Uh, hey…” she looked at Pinkie, then at Discord. “Could you two give me and Dan a quick minute alone?”

Pinkie sighed. “Well… alright… I guess I can wait a little bit…” She said as she walked out of the room.

Twilight looked up at Discord.

Discord merely shrugged. With a snap of his talon he disappeared from view.

“Uh, hey Dan…” Twilight said sheepishly.

“Yeah, Sparkles?”  Dan replied.

“I never got a chance to say my final confession to you… you know… with all the straining to keep that magic shield going, and all…”

Dan shook his head, “Forget it Sparkles, we’re fine… it doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does!” Twilight insisted. “You almost got killed, and it would have been my fault… you deserve to hear this.”

Dan rolled his eyes and sighed, “Alright, fine… what is it?”

“Elise was right… you make Pinkie extraordinarily happy. I know she misses home… but… she’s still perfectly happy where she is now. And the only reason for that is you… You mean the world to her… and you’ve kept her safe… so… thank you, Dan. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you. I just ask that you keep her safe… and… not that I think you’ll have trouble with this part, but… keep her happy.” Twilight smiled warmly at Dan. “Okay?”

“Uhhh…” Dan paused to wipe a bit of moisture that had begun to form underneath his eyes, “Sure, Twilight…” Dan smiled at the purple alicorn, “It’s what I’m here for.”

Twilight’s smile widened as nodded, “Of course… take it easy, Dan.”

Dan waved, “You too Sparkler.” He chuckled, “See you soon, I guess…”

Twilight made a slightly disgusted sound, “Ulgh… yeah… Just try not to make a habit out of this?” Twilight said in a pleading tone. “I’m not sure how comfortable I am playing love transmogrifier for you two…”

“No promises,” Dan said with a smirk.

“Aww, touching…”

Twilight shot a glare at Discord who had poked his head up from under a flat accent rug on the library floor.

“Alright, waiting sucks!” Pinkie cried as she ran back into the room.

“Uh, hey Goofball,” Dan said, “we were just saying-WHOA!”

Pinkie quickly reached for the hem of her dress, and in a quick movement pulled it and her jacket off her body and threw the clothing at the mirror. The garments hit the top of the mirror and fell flat against what would have been the reflective surface if the mirror wasn’t in use.

“Hmmm…” Discord hummed, “Oh this won’t do… Would you mind moving that dress?”

“No, NO!” Twilight cried, “The dress can stay… Discord I think it’s time we gave these two back their privacy.”

Discord sighed, “Oh, poo… and it was really starting to get good…”

The mirror flickered with a purple glow briefly as sounds ceased to emit from the glow on the other side.

Clad in a matching pair of pink and white, horizontally striped bra and panties that hugged Pinkie’s ample features, socks, shoes, and a smile, Pinkie made her way to Dan. She pushed him back onto the bed and and sat on his lap. “You’re wearing too much clothes,” she declared as she rested her slender, pink-nail-polished hands against Dan’s chest.

“What was that about me being insatiable?” Dan asked with a grin.

Pinkie smirked, “Don’t make me chew through them. You know I will!”

“Alright, let me just do one thing first…” Dan said.

Pinkie sighed, “Oh…alright-MMMMPHPGH?! MMMMGHPGH! Mmghph? Mmmmm…” Pinkie uttered as Dan covered her mouth with his and her startled, muffled cries quickly changed to content, gentle hums. She wrapped her arms around Dan as he kissed her deeply and the couple’s tongues reacquainted themselves with the insides of each other’s mouth sans-hair for the first time in days.

Unbeknownst to the couple, the mirror flickered from under Pinkie’s dress as the garment lifted slightly. A pair of yellow pupils and red iris set in yellow orbs peered out from under the dress.

“DISCORD!” Twilight yelled out. “EYES AND TALON WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!”

“Fine, fine!” the Discord said in a somewhat disappointed tone as the mirror flashed once more.

Dan and Pinkie glanced at the mirror and chuckled softly to themselves.

Dan gently placed his fingers on one of Pinkie’s cheek and directed her large, sky-blue eyes to his green ones. “Just one more tiny, little thing…” Dan said.

Pinkie giggled, “Alright…”

“I just wanted you to know that I love you,” Dan said as he looked over Pinkie fondly. “No matter what shape you’re in.”

Pinkie’s eyes began to mist up as her smile widened. She felt a happy, warm sensation start at the center of her body and radiate out to her extremities. She reached a hand up to one of Dan’s cheeks. “I know Dan, I love you too…” Pinkie leaned in as the couple shared another, passionate kiss.

Pinkie tilted her head back slightly, breaking her lips from Dan’s, “Seriously though… take your clothes off.”

Dan chuckled and reached for the bottom of his shirt.

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions: Chapter 90 Twilight Sparkle Vs. Discord Redux

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions

Chapter 90 Twilight Sparkle Vs. Discord Redux

-ooooooo-

“Soo… A giant, undead dragon…” Twilight said, interrupting the tense quiet of the library.

Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Spike sat quietly in the library as they stared at the one who had just concluded his story. Fluttershy trembled from under a chair as she stared out at the speaker, as if the piece of furniture would somehow protect her from the scary things mentioned in his epic yarn.

“A Dracolich, actually,” Discord said as he held his lion paw up matter-of-factually.

“I thought you said that was his name,” Twilight replied.

“I did,” Discord replied, “or rather, HE did. However, he’s also the first dragon lich, presumably… he very well might have coined the phrase.” Discord sighed. “His real name is probably insufferably long and full of ‘y’s and apostrophes and also lost to time itself… You know, something cliché.”

“Question!” a bright, bubbly voice rang out.

The group turned towards a mirror positioned in front of a window.

 “Yes,” Discord responded, “question from the bruised, cheery pony, turned human, turned pony, turned human, turned pony, turned human…”

Pinkie sat next to Dan on the edge of the couple’s bed wearing her vest outfit and cutoff jeans. The couple also sported a number of day-old bruises including matching, black left eyes. “Do you know…”

There was a quick ‘Snap!’ of Discord’s talon and a ‘Poof’ as Pinkie turned into a pink pony once more, the change doing little to hide her apparent injuries. “… turned pony…”

“… for sure…” Pinkie continued, apparently unfazed by her transformation.

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“… turned human …”

“… if the …”

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“… turned pony …”

“… Dracolich …”

Dan smacked both palms against his face as the ponies and baby dragon in the audience began to groan.

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“… turned human …”

“… is a …”

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“… turned pony …”

“… he?” Pinkie asked.

Discord paused mid-snap and stroked his beard. “Huh… you know… in all these hundreds of years, I’ve never thought to question that.”

Dan parted a couple of fingers on one of his hand so he could stare out at his now pony girlfriend with one, irate eyeball. “Goofball, how does that even matter?”

“Well what if we have to engage the Dracolich in conversation?” Pinkie asked as she motioned out with her forehooves.

Fluttershy let out a small “Meep” as her trembling intensified and covered her eyes with her forearms.

Pinkie continued, “Wouldn’t it be awkward if we’re all ‘Hey, evil, undead dragon dude! Please stop annihilating our fellow ponies with your negative energy breath’ or whatever… and then SHE’S all like, ‘Excuse you but I’m an evil, undead, dragon dudette!’?”

Dan removed a hand from a face and held up a finger. “Okay one: That’s dumb.” He held up another finger. “Two: You’re dumb for suggesting it.” He held up a third finger. “Three: We’re all dumber for having to listen to it.” He held up a fourth finger. “And four, ‘dude’ is sort of gender-neutral at this point anyhow.”

“What if it’s not gender-neutral for dragons?” Pinkie countered.

Dan uttered an irritated growl as he returned his palm to his face and shook his head back and forth.

“Did you have to do that?” Twilight asked as she motioned out towards Pinkie.

“Why, I was just showing how easy it was,” Discord replied as he smiled wide.

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“Human!” Discord cried.

“Although,” Pinkie began as she rubbed her hand against chin, “I guess I could have used…”

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“Pony!”

“… a better example.” She finished, now rubbing her hoof against her chin.

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“Human!”

Twilight sat back on her haunches and folded her arms around her chest. “I get it,” she said with sullen expression.

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“Pony! I’m not sure you do, Princess…” Discord replied.

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“Human! If you did…” Discord continued.

‘Snap!’

‘Poof.’

“Pony! …you would have came to me sooner.”

“How many times do I have to say ‘I’m sorry’?” Twilight cried.

“So, that don’t hurt any?” Applejack asked Pinkie.

“So ‘what’ don’t hurt any?” Pinkie replied.

“Tha whole… 'being turned back and forth between a pony and human' thing,” Applejack said as she held a forehoof up in the air and spun it around.

“Naw,” Pinkie replied. “It just tingles a little. I think I even stopped noticing the last time Twilight did it and…” Pinkie looked out at her forehooves and inhaled a huge volume of air. “I’m a PONY again!”

Dan sighed, and removed his hands. He kept his eyes closed as he pinched the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “Sparkler, could you…”

“On it,” Twilight said as her horn glowed purple. She fired a beam of magic through the mirror that quickly turned Pinkie into a human.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… Purpley!”

“Human!” Discord said as he materialized a tally sheet out of thin air and added another tick mark to it.

“Thanks, Twilight,” Dan said.

Twilight smiled at Dan. “No problem.”

The ponies on the other side of the mirror gasped.

“Oh man!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Did Dan just call Twilight, ‘Twilight’!?”

“And Ah think Twilight actually smiled at Dan!” Applejack pointed out.

Spike chuckled. “Yeah, after those two bonded over the last few days they’re like this now,” Spike said as he crossed two claws.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash stared at Dan in disbelief.

Pinkie giggled as she placed her hands on Dan’s shoulders. “Yep! Twilight and Dan helped each other out and now they’re bestest buddies!” she declared.

Dan and Twilight shot each other a quick glance through the mirror and shrugged. “Eh,” they said in unison.

“Oh Dan,” Fluttershy said, “I’m so proud of you.”

Dan rolled his eyes and sighed. “See this is why I’m not nice to people or ponies. Everyone has to make a big deal out of it.”

“Geez!” Rainbow Dash cried. “Is the world coming to an end, or what?”

“It very well could be, darling,” Rarity said flatly.

The group went uncomfortably silent before Discord wrapped his lion’s arm around Rarity’s neck and placed his face down at her level. “Oh, don’t be such a worry-wart, Rarity,” he said.

Rarity glared at the Draconequus.

“I mean”--Discord motioned out with his eagle talon--“just because TOK sent out a godlike, powerful, undead dragon, a horde of gremlins, some trolls, a poisonous wasp thing made out of other”--he waggled his talons a bit--“smaller wasp things to this world, all because they were mad with how I ran things, doesn’t mean they’ll do the same because Dan and Pinkie ran amok of the one place they thought they were perfectly safe…”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m reassured…” He muttered.

“What Ah don’t get is why they wouldn’t attack Pinkie an’ Dan again,” Applejack said.

Discord stood upright and arched his body over so he stared up, upside-down from the floor at Applejack. “An excellent question from the pony in the fashionable hat.” Discord flicked Applejack’s cowboy hat with his lion paw, causing the headwear to spin enough to fly into the air a few inches before it fell back in place on her blond-maned head. He then twisted his head so he that it was now right-side up, though, backwards in relation to his already twisted body. “If TOK could see these two dead…” Discord rolled his paw and talon back and opened them palm up towards the ceiling, revealing a pair of miniature tombstones; one that read, ‘Dan Mandel, R.I.P. JERK, Burning the Pearly Gates as you read this.’ And another that read, ‘Pinkamena Diane Pie, Beloved Friend, Party hard every day and don’t let a small thing like physics get in your way.’  “… which they most certainly want at this point, they’d have sicked their pets on the two and be done with it,” Discord said as the tombstones proofed back out of existence.

“Maybe they’re scared…” Fluttershy suggested from her position under a chair. “I mean… if erm… if we brought something we thought that was harmless into Ponyville, and it suddenly started causing mayhem, we’d probably leave it alone and never have anything to do with it again…”

Spike faked a cough. “Cough…parasprites…cough.”

Fluttershy flashed an embarrassed look at the dragon as her butter colored cheeks began to turn red.

“Spike!” Twilight said in a chastising tone.

“What?” Spike protested. “We were all thinking it.”

“I was thinking about ice-cream!” Pinkie declared.

“I was thinking about how I could better avoid your right hook,” Dan said.

“Whoa!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “so you two got those killer bruises in some sort of lover’s quarrel!?”

Twilight sighed. “That’s remarkably accurate.”

“Oh my!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “You two should know better than to get violent with each other to solve disputes!”

“Yeah…” Pinkie said sheepishly, “there probably are better ways to figure out who loves who more than surprise, bareknuckle fighting.”

The group paused briefly as they contemplated Pinkie’s response.

“Wow pardners… that seems… uh… remarkably counterintuitive,” Applejack said.

“That’s what I said!” Twilight chimed in.

Discord looked towards the mirror. “You two wouldn’t happen to be adopting, would you?” he asked in a surprisingly earnest tone.

“Oh, sweet Celestia, no!” Twilight cried.

“What’s the big deal?” Spike exclaimed. “I mean, they were just love taps,” he said as his straight face broke into a grin.

There was a brief pause followed by groaning from the ponies present and laughter from the humans and Discord.

Discord twisted his body around so it was now facing the same direction has he had as he wrapped his arms around his stomach and began rolling on the floor, laughing.

“Heh… Nice one, A.A.B.,” Dan said. “Interdimensional fist bump,” he said as he placed his fist against the mirror.

Spike walked briskly to the mirror and slightly tapped it with his fist before collecting a high (or rather low, in the Draconequus’s case) five from Discord.

“Can we please stay on topic, everypony?” Rarity pleaded.

The group paused and looked at Rarity, many considering her role of keeping the group focused slightly unusual given that Twilight usually kept things in order.

“Uh… sure Rarity,” Twilight said. “So… about TOK not attacking Dan and Pinkie…” Twilight said as she looked up at Discord.

“They might be scared…” Pinkie said. “I mean… we did kill and maim an awful lot of them…”

Discord stroked his beard with his talon and pondered the Pinkie’s words. “No, I don’t think so… perhaps you frightened them enough that they don’t want to attack you directly, especially not on Dan’s planet. I’d imagine they’d at least whisk you back into The Nexus.” Discord looked thoughtfully at Dan. “You may have surprised them with your abilities at first, but they have eons of existence in the Nexus under their”—Discord's bottom half turned cloudy and blue—“nonexistent belts. Anyhow,” Discord continued as his lower half rematerialized to its normal, mish-mash of animal parts, “I doubt they care about any of the creatures they keep on hand enough to hesitate releasing them. It’s far more likely they can’t attack you somehow…”

“Well, I did shred that stupid portal of theirs,” Dan said.

“Hmmm… indeed.” Discord replied. “Though, I destroyed plenty of those back when they attacked Equestria over a millennia ago… it certainly didn’t keep them out of the planet forever…”

“Maybe its pride,” Rarity said simply.

The group turned to stare at the white unicorn. Though by no means the chattiest of the group, she had said no more than a few sentences since Discord regaled the group with his victory over TOK and their minions. Though her uncharacteristic silence was disconcerting to many, the act forced everyone to pay attention when the she chose to speak.

“Oh… I get it…” Rainbow Dash spoke up, as she smacked her forehooves against each other. “Dan and Pinkie kicked their butts so they want a rematch.”

“You really think a group of immortal beings would be that petty?” Twilight asked.

Discord raised an eyebrow until it was stopped by the library's high ceiling. “Have you met many immortal beings who had a habit of letting past grudges go with ease, Princess?”

Twilight paused and considered the company she was in, as well as her own personal experience with other immortal beings. “Uh… I retract my statement…”

Discord outstretched his lion’s paw up all the way to the ceiling and placed a claw atop his eyebrow. He retracted his arm until eyebrow was back in place.

“Ya really think they’ll attack here then?” Applejack asked.

“Well… if they ultimately want to get at Dan and Pinkie and they can’t do it through Dan’s world, Equestria is the logical place…”

“Well,” Spike chimed in, “how come they haven’t done it already?”

Discord chuckled and shook his head, “My, my, this group knows how to ask the right questions. They’re probably busy scheming the exact, convoluted turn of events that will ultimately result in what they want,” Discord answered. “I’ve had over a thousand years to think about their attack on me, and it seems likely the never intended to dethrone me directly. Preferring instead to keep me occupied as they set in place the events that would eventually lead to my undoing.” Discord sighed. “Orderly, long winded… and ultimately ending in a rather boring imprisonment. Seems very much their modus operandi…”

Pinkie knitted her brow. “…Modem opera Andy?”

“It means ‘method of operation’,” Dan and Twilight said simultaneously.

The two exchanged a surprised look. “You guys have ‘Latin’, too?” They asked simultaneously. The both sighed. “Never mind…”

“Whoa… freaky…” Rainbow Dash uttered as she watched Twilight’s and Dan’s simultaneous exchange.

“Anyhow, here,” Discord said as he produced a sheet of golden star stickers, pulled one off with his eagle talon, and held out the small, shiny, adhesive item to Spike, “have a sticker.”

Spike took the small item and looked at it quizzically, “Uh… thanks.”

“I want a sticker!” Pinkie cried.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Goofball, you have a sheet of the exact same stickers you carry on you at all times.”

“Yeah, but those are for passing out to other people!” Pinkie replied. “I can’t give them to myself! Everyone will think I’ve gone mad with power!”

“Being a sticker sheet holder is a heavy burden,” Discord said as the sheet of stickers suddenly pulled his eagle talon to the ground with a loud ‘THUD!’, causing the limb to stretch and creating a hole in the library’s floor.

“I know, right!” Pinkie said as she nodded her head.

Dan just sighed and shook his head.

“HEY!” Twilight protested as she glared at the hole and then back up at Discord.

Discord snapped his fingers and suddenly a small, purple, accent rug bearing Twilight’s Cutie mark appeared over the hole in the floor. “Oh, just keep a rug over it. No pony will ever notice.”

Twilight sighed. “You know what, I’ll just fix it myself.”

Discord chuckled, “Like you were going to turn Pinkie back, yourself?”

The group went quiet as Twilight wordlessly glowered up at Discord, her face becoming increasingly red.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash cried as flapped over to Discord and placed her face inches from his. “Leave her alone! Maybe if you weren’t such a slimy snake all the time, she’d have come to ya sooner!”

Discord grinned mischievously. “Snake? No my dear, THIS”—Discord reached into Rainbow Dash’s rainbow mane and pulled out a leopard patterned python that was many times longer than the pony herself—“is a snake.”

“Hmmph…” Rainbow Dash said with a smirk, “is that supposed to impress me? ACK!” Rainbow Dash cried as the snake wrapped around her with surprising speed. Taking itself and Rainbow Dash to the ground with a soft ‘Thud.’

“Not a wise idea to use the word, ‘impress’ around a python,” Discord said with a wicked grin.

“He puts on the best magic shows,” Dan whispered to Pinkie.

“I know, right?” Pinkie said quietly back.

Fluttershy bolted from her under her chair and went up to the snake. “Now, now. I know you’re hungry but we don’t strangle and eat ponies…” She said in a kind, maternal tone.

“HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” the snake replied angrily.

Fluttershy gasped. “Such language!”

“Getting… getting hard to breathe guys…” Rainbow Dash said as the snake constricted its body around her tighter.

“Discord…” Twilight growled out.

“Yes, Princess?” Discord replied as he pulled his lips up into a smirk.

Twilight sighed out in exasperation. “PLEASE remove the snake and fix the hole in my floor.”

Discord dropped both mischievousness and smugness from his smile. “Your wish is my command, Princess.” Discord snapped his fingers, and in a flash, both snake, carpet, and hole were gone.

Rainbow Dash inhaled a large volume of air as she shakily rose to her feet. Fluttershy and Applejack quickly rushed to help her.

“Are you okay, Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy asked.

“Cough… cough… Remind me to come up for some names for Discord that don’t involve animals,” Rainbow Dash muttered out grumpily.

Applejack chuckled. “Oh, I can think of a few already…”

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried enthusiastically. “Dissy? John? Oooo! I know! De La-MMPH!”

“Heh, thanks Dan,” Rainbow Dash said as she looked through the mirror.

“Anytime, Art Project,” Dan replied as he held a hand over Pinkie’s mouth.

Discord leaned down towards Twilight and rubbed one of his lion paw digits under Twilight’s chin. “There. Was that so hard?”

 Twilight shot Discord a glare. “Kinda, yeah…”

Discord stood up to his full height and chuckled. “All part of the learning experience, I’m afraid.”

“Well… ENOUGH prattle,” Rarity declared dramatically.

The group once again focused attention on the unicorn as she walked towards the library door.

“If WAR is coming to Equestria, then we should be preparing. If anypony needs me, I’ll at the boutique doing just that!” Rarity cried as she levitated open the library door and stepped outside, shutting the door behind her.

The group looked after Rarity all with the same quizzical expression on their faces.

“What’s with Prissy?” Dan asked. “I thought your world was coming to an end every few months over there.”

“Knowin’ Rarity,” Applejack begun, “she’s probably going to create matching battle outfits for everypony…”

The wave of chuckles and giggles made their way through the group.

“I don’t know…” Twilight said with a serious face. “She just suddenly got quiet around the time Dan talked about fighting TOK…”

Applejack frowned. “Well, that’s a fact…” she stated.

“Maybe I should follow her…” Spike suggested.

“Well… I guess she didn’t say she wanted to be alone, but…” Twilight replied.

“GREAT!” Spike exclaimed. “See you later, everypony, every human, and every whatever.”

Twilight sighed as a chorus of goodbyes rang out for the baby dragon.

“Well, I better get going, too,” Rainbow Dash said. “The REST of the Wonderbolts will want to hear about this.”

The no small amount of eye rolling and some chuckling, the group said their goodbyes to Rainbow Dash.

“Well, end of the world or not, Ah still have chores to do,” Applejack said.

“And I have animals to look after,” Fluttershy said.

Discord opened his mouth. “And I have…”

“You’re not going anywhere except Canterlot with me,” Twilight interrupted.

Discord sighed. “Spoilsport…”

The group bid farewell to Applejack and Fluttershy.

“What about you two?” Twilight said as she looked back at the mirror at Dan and Pinkie.

Discord smiled wickedly. “No doubt you two have to leave on some sort of exciting vendetta against a restaurant or shop that short changed you…”

“Huh… those were amazingly accurate guesses,” Dan said.

Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, but we have an intervention to attend first.”

“Oh?” Discord asked in an interested tone.

Dan sighed. “Yeah, my friend, a.k.a. the human garbage disposal’s eating habits have started to get ridiculous even by his standards.”

Twilight nodded at the bruised and battered pair, “Have fun at your intervention- I MEAN- Chris’s intervention… not your intervention… just… uh… the one you’re going to … I meant.”

Discord looked down at Twilight as a grin spread across his face.

Pinkie simply giggled. “Hehehe… We will, Twilight! Bye-bye!”

“Yeah, see you later, Sparkler, Disco…” Dan said as he hopped off the bed and walked towards the door.

“OH! Disco! That’s a good name!” Pinkie said. She waved to Twilight and Discord, a wave that was returned as she closed the sliding closet door, causing the mirror to go dark.

Twilight quickly set the mirror to ‘MUTE’ and looked up at Discord.

The Draconequus was still smiling down at her.

Twilight opened her mouth to speak but was cut off as Discord placed a talon against her lips.

“No, no… don’t tell me.” Discord said with a chuckle. “I love surprises…”

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt: Chapter 111 Amber Vs. Sunset Shimmer

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 13 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Couch Hunt

Chapter 111 Amber Vs. Sunset Shimmer

-ooooooo-

Outside Wally’s Cupcake and Muffin Emporium the parking lot was devoid of cars, but strangely still full. Illuminated by the parking lot lights above, two combatants circled each other on a blue mat surrounded by hastily set up posts and ropes. In turn, the whole thing was surrounded by a crowd of excited people who cheered the two on.

Amber held tape-wrapped hands in front of her, her fingers curled into tight fists. Her long blonde hair had been tied into a ponytail. She wore a simple black workout outfit of a tank top and sweatpants.

Sunset Shimmer had also tied her hair back. She held her hands in front of her at waist level with her hands open as if ready to grab hold of something. She wore a black sports bra, a pair of tight black shorts, black boots with a purple flame motif, purple-and-black armbands, and a mask. The mask had a rather detailed scene of a red and yellow sun set in the center of Sunset’s forehead against a dark purple star filled background complete with clouds and even a full moon on the left hand side, and even bright red highlights above Sunset’s eyes.

Amber shook her head. “I’m sorry, but that is a ridiculous getup.”

Sunset Shimmer rolled her eyes. “At least I have an outfit for fighting. You clearly just put on your workout clothes!”

“Well excuse me for not making it a habit of holding grudges against people and then randomly attacking their coworkers.”

Sunset chuckled as she took a few steps forward.

Amber threw a punch towards Sunset’s face that Sunset easily dodged as she wrapped her arms around Amber’s other arm and torso.

The crowd cheered as the two fighters finally made contact.

Sunset grinned as she held her opponent tightly. “Oh, I don’t usually pick fights like this. I wear this when I wrestle on the weekends.”

Amber’s eyes went wide as she felt her feet leave the mat. Fearing she’d be suplexed for the second time that day, Amber quickly brought her head back and suddenly brought her forehead into contact with Sunset’s.

‘SMACK!’

“Gah!” Sunset cried as she let go of Amber and reached up for her forehead.

“OW!” Amber exclaimed as she also reached up for her own forehead.

The two women increased the distance between them as the crowd went wild over the head-butt.

Sunset Shimmer grinned as she rubbed her mask covered forehead. “Quick thinking.”

Amber grimaced as she rubbed her forehead. “You’ll find I’m full of surprises,” she replied.

Sunset Shimmer’s grin widened into a devilish smile. She spread her arms out again and placed her left leg behind her, shifting her weight back. “You might put up more of a fight than I thought…”

Amber quickly put her hands back in front of her face as Sunset dove for her. Amber had little time to react as Sunset wrapped her arms around her and tackled her to the mat.

“One chocolate muffin, please!” a voice called out from the crowd.

Chris turned, a tray with a few assorted baked goods on it was strapped to his chest. He noticed someone in the crowd holding up a wad of cash. He walked over, handed the person a cupcake, and took the money.

“Could I get a rainbow cupcake?” someone else called.

Chris repeated the process of handing out baked goods and collecting money. He stared down at his near-empty tray and made a quick beeline back for the bakery.

No sooner had he walked through the entrance when a ringing emitted from his pocket. He quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He tapped the screen before bringing it up to his ear.

“Hey, Dan!”

“Chris! I need you to come here right away, and bring that crazy woman that lives at your house with you!” Dan shouted into his phone.

Chris rolled his eyes. “You mean Elise?”

“You named her?!” Dan cried as he flung his black sweater clad arm out. “Chris, it’s not healthy to get attached to stray unhinged girls like that! If you start paying attention to them, they’ll never leave!”

“I don’t want Elise to leave!” Chris exclaimed. “Hence why we’re married!”

“Wow…” Dan uttered. “I can’t let you out of my sight for a second! Geez, I bet you let that psycho sleep in the same bed as you and even watch movies with her!”

Chris knitted his brow and looked up towards the ceiling briefly. “Wait, are you talking about Elise and me or you and Pinkie?”

Dan paused. “… Alright, yeah… In retrospect, I should have thought out my insults a little better before this call. Look, the bottom line is Pinkie and I need troops.”

“Ah, so you’re both alright then,” Chris said.

“And what does that have to do with anything?!” Dan demanded.

“Just sorting out my priorities here,” Chris said.

“WHAT?!” Dan cried as he angrily paced back and in his and Pinkie’s bedroom. “Helping me and Pinkie liberate a couch from the evil clutches of the Salvation Armed Forces should be priority number one.”

“That sounds rather illegal, Dan.”

“Legality is just a matter of perspective, Chris!”

“Somehow, I doubt that line would work very well in a court of law.”

“You’d be surprised,” Dan replied dryly. “Why are you putting up such a fight, anyway? What can you be doing that even makes this conversation worthwhile?!”

“I’m at the bakery, Dan.”

“STILL?!” Dan cried. “You guys should be closed up and cleaned up by now!” Dan furrowed his brow. “Are you all slacking off without me there to yell at you?” Dan asked as he pointed at his phone.

Chris sighed as he continued, “It’s the opposite really...”

“Is that Chris?!” Pinkie said excitedly as she emerged from the bathroom wearing a skin-tight black outfit that hugged her shapely body.

Dan rolled his eyes and covered the microphone of his phone with a hand. “No, I’m calling on the Keebler Elves to help liberate the couch from the Salvation Armed forces.”

Pinkie gasped. “Dan! You didn’t tell me you knew the Keebler Elves! How’s Ernie in person—er elfson? Is he really as nice as he seems, or is it just an act for the cameras?”

Dan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “No, you moron! I AM talking to Chris, but I was being sarcastic!”

“Oh!” Pinkie said as her eyes widened slightly. “Sarcasms… right… Sorry, still trying to figure that one out…” Pinkie smiled once again. “Anyhow, tell Chris I said ‘Hi!’”

Dan grumbled irritably to himself before saying, “Pinkie says ‘Hi!’” into the phone.

“Tell Pinkie I said—“

Dan turned back to Pinkie as irritation began to increase on his face. “Chris says ‘Hi!’” Dan refocused his attention on the phone. “Alright, explain yourself, lackey!”

“Well, do you remember that crazy, yellow-and-red-headed girl from the ice-skating rink a few months back?”

“The girl we left to freeze to death, cold and alone?” Dan chuckled. “Hehheh… Yeah, good times…”

Pinkie suddenly put on an interested, concerned expression as she sat on the couple’s bed.

“Well, she’s back.”

Dan frowned. “From the dead?”

Pinkie frowned.

“I get the impression that she never died in the first place,” Chris said.

“Oh, well that sucks,” Dan exclaimed.

Pinkie cocked her head and looked at Dan questioningly.

Chris continued, “Anyhow, she showed up earlier in the day to pick a fight with Pinkie, but since she wasn’t here, she ended up performing a suplex on Amber.”

Dan’s eyes widened in surprise. “A suplex, you say?”

Pinkie’s eyes also widened in surprise.

“Yeah,” Chris replied, “turns out that girl seems to be really into wrestling.”

“Huh… Well… she’s still mostly terrible… Anyhow, the sensible decision to suplex Amber if Pinkie wasn’t around aside, if that happened earlier in the day, why are you still there?”

Chris took a deep breath. “Well, first they started fighting but it seems they both had inflicted some nasty head wounds on each other right away, so once the fighting slowed down they both got dizzy, but since Gibson had started collecting bets people got angry the fight ended without a clear victor. So then Wally got involved, but instead of defusing the situation, he saw an opportunity to extend business a bit and arranged for Amber and Sunset Shimmer to rest up and have a proper showdown later in the evening. And now they’re having a fight again outside the store. Wally even sold tickets.”

Dan went silent.

“Dan?” Chris asked.

“I’m trying to figure out if I should be angry at all of you or inordinately proud. So how’s our girl doing?”

“Amber?” Chris said as he glanced out of the bakery.

Chris heard a sickly sounding ‘pop!’ followed by Amber’s anguished cry.

“AAAAAARRRRRGGHHHHH!”

Sunset Shimmer’s derisive laughter cut through the warm evening air like a razorblade. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Don’t tell me you’re done!”

Amber cried out in determination, “Eeaaahhhg!  I’m not through with you yet!”

“Uh…” Chris paused as he thought up a proper response. “… She has the heart of a champion,” he offered.

“That bad, huh?” Dan replied.

Pinkie frowned.

“Yeah,” Chris answered as he nodded.

“Fine, you’re busy. How about your crazy wife? She likes helping my crazy girlfriend.”

“COME ON AMBER!” A familiar woman’s voice called from outside. “THAT’LL POP RIGHT BACK INTO PLACE!”

“She’s busy too, Dan.”

“Oh, come on!” Dan cried. “You two owe us after you didn’t answer your phone when Pinkie got kidnapped!”

Chris sighed before he replied, “I know, and I’m sorry! Look… I’m sure this fight will be over soon enough and once it is—”

“Forget it!” Dan cried. “I don’t want that Salvation Armed Forced goon thinking I’m scared of a little bell and a lot of muscle! Pinkie and I will handle this on our own!”

“Dan! If you just give us a little—”

“NO!” Dan shouted. “You’re once again dead to me!” Dan pulled the phone away from his ear and readied his finger to terminate the call.

“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Tell Chris we’ll see him and Elise for dinner this weekend!”

Dan frowned. “But I—”

“Do it!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Dan rolled his eyes as he raised the phone back to the side of his head. “… We’ll see you this weekend…” he grumbled out.

“Alright! See ya, buddy!” Chris said cheerfully.

Dan pulled the phone away from his face and terminated the call. “Why did you make me do that?” Dan asked Pinkie as he glowered at her.

Pinkie shrugged. “I’m just looking forward to a nice dinner with Chris and Elise and didn’t want something like Chris being dead to you to get in the way.”

Dan sighed. “Dead to me or not, he’s too busy to help us with the couch.”

Pinkie nodded. “I figured as much. What’s going on? Is zombie Sunset Shimmer wrestling everyone at the bakery?”

“Naw,” Dan answered as he waved a hand about dismissively. “She apparently didn’t even die.”

Pinkie smiled. “Well that’s good!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “On that incredibly naïve-sounding note, she came to bakery hoping to pick a fight with you, it sounds like.”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “Like… have an ice-skate off?”

“Well, she’s apparently gotten into some sort of mixed martial arts match with Amber, so I’m thinking ‘No. Not so much.’”

Pinkie sighed as she rested her elbows on her thighs, slouched down, and placed her chin in her hands. “How come this world is full of people who either want to attack or kidnap me?” Pinkie asked in a lamenting tone.

Dan shrugged. “Must be your bubbly personality. I mean… even I can’t decide if I want to wrap my arms around your body or my hands around your neck most the time!”

Pinkie looked up at Dan and whimpered slightly.

Dan rolled his eyes as he sat down on the bed next to Pinkie and patted her back. “Oh, there, there, Goofball. Look, this girl was horrible when we met her and it turns out she learned nothing from having her boyfriend break up with her and being left in a cold, dark skating rink. End of story!”

Pinkie sat up with a sour expression on her face. “Dan!” she cried in a protesting tone. “I’m sure she’s a kind person deep inside.”

-ooo-

Sunset Shimmer looked down with a wicked grin. “Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!” she repeated over and over again as she held on tight to her opponent's wrists and used Amber’s own limp hands to slap her in the face.

Amber struggled futility from under Sunset Shimmer as Sunset startled her hapless opponent, Amber’s Tae Bo having proved rather ineffective against Sunset’s wrestling knowledge and practice.

“Ow! Ow! I can’t! You dislocated both my shoulders!” Amber cried through the slaps being delivered to her.

The crowd was a mixed bag of boos and cheers at this point. Some urged Amber to fight back, others encouraging Sunset to finish her opponent off.

Elise scowled from the edge of the ring. “Come on, Amber! Pinkie gets her shoulder dislocated all the time and she bounces right back!”

“Ow! Ow! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not Pinkie! Ow!”

“Yeah,” Sunset said with a smirk. “I’m guessing pink girl would have put up more of a fight!”

“OW! Shu…shut up!” Amber stammered out as she attempted to throw Sunset’s weight off of her again.

Sunset remained, easily keeping her balance on Amber’s torso. “Awww… Is the little baby going to cry?” she mocked. “Come on! Cry for me!”

“GHAA!” Amber roared as she continued to struggle. “I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN!”

Elise shook her head. “This is just sad…” She scowled out into the ring. “Hey! How about a real challenge!”

Sunset looked up at Elise and grinned. “You want to fight me?”

Elise smirked she folded her arms across her chest. “You make it sound like I’m a pushover.”

Sunset’s smile widened and she nodded. “Alright, I just hope you can fight better than you can skate!”

Elise chuckled. “Oh, you won’t have to worry about that…”

“Elise!” Chris called has he bounded over to his wife. “What are you doing?!”

“Relax!” Elise said as she placed a hand on Chris’s arm. “Just arranging to take this showboat down a peg or two.”

Chris frowned. “But you can’t just… You can’t just make a ringside agreement for ‘nexties’ in a fight like this!”

Sunset just chuckled and went back to tormenting her opponent.

“Ow… ow… ow… ow…”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Chris, there’s absolutely no need to—”

“GIBSON!” Chris called out.

“WHAT?!” Gibson called back.

“TELL MY WIFE SHE CAN’T JUST MAKE RINGSIDE ARRANGEMENTS TO FIGHT THE WINNER!”

“SHE ABSOLUTELY CANNOT DO THAT!” Gibson shouted back.

“WHAT?!” Elise cried. She motioned out to the ring. “But she agreed and everything!”

Chris shook his head. “See, darling? You can’t just go around—”

Gibson bounded up with a wad of money in one hand and a clipboard in the other. “You need to sign a waiver first,” he informed. “Also give me time to collect more bets.”

Chris began to protest, “What?! But—”

“HAH!” Elise cried.

“GIBSON!” an angry maternal voice called out. “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!”

Gibson jumped slightly as his eyes went wide. Even Chris and Elise paused to look at the voice, the owner clearly having perfected the tone of someone who had just caught someone doing something they’re not supposed to do.

A woman leveled angry turquoise-colored eyes at Gibson and stormed up to the ring, a young boy following close behind her. The woman had long brown hair tied in a bow and wore a tan sweater with dark brown sleeves and a collar. A pair of khakis hugged her hips and went down to her bare ankles and a pair of brown flats. The boy sported a head of fiery-brown colored hair under a white, red, and yellow beanie with a green propeller on top that spun despite no noticeable breeze. He wore a green hoodie that prominently featured three golden triangles in the center with an emblem that resembled a bird with its wings spread wide. He also wore a pair of brown trousers and brown sneakers.

“Uh… Hi, mom…” Gibson said in a worried tone.

“Don’t you ‘Hi, mom’ me, mister!” Gibson’s mom cried. “You’re in a lot of trouble!”

“Hi, Gibson,” the young boy said simply.

Gibson looked down at the boy. “Hey, squirt.” He looked back up at his mom. “I left you a text saying I’d be working late!”

Gibson’s mom narrowed her eyes and folded her arms across her chest. “First off, you’re supposed to call! Second off, you’re not baking or serving customers!”

Gibson looked at the money in his hand, and the clipboard in the other. “Uh… This isn’t what it looks like!”

Gibson’s mom cocked an eyebrow. “It looks like you’re taking bets for a semi-impromptu street brawl.” Gibson’s mother looked into the ring. “A lopsided semi-impromptu street brawl."

Sunset Shimmer held both og Amber’s wrists in a single hand and reached down for her face. Sunset pulled up her fist, having inserted her thumb between her index and middle finger. “Got your nose!” she announced.

Amber narrowed her eyes. “Now you’re just being childish.”

Gibson looked up at his mom with a worried expression. “Uhhh…” He grinned sheepishly. “… Yeeeaaaah…” he admitted.

Gibson’s mom nodded. “Well pack it up. Dinner is going to be late enough as it is!”

“Yeah, Gibson!” the boy whined. “It’s hamburger and French fry night!”

“I can’t do that!” Gibson protested as he flung his arms out. “I have to deal with the bets when the fight is over!”

Elise spoke up, “And I get to fight little miss luchador next!”

Gibson’s mom sighed and looked at Elise. She looked Elise up and down and asked, “Can you make it quick?”

Elise shook her head. “No way! I want her to suffer.”

Gibson’s mom sighed as she snatched the clipboard out of her son’s hand. She quickly produced a pen from her pocket and began filling out the sheet.

“Hey!” Elise protested.

“Sorry, but I’m in a hurry,” Gibson’s mom replied.

“But you…” Elise turned to Gibson and motioned out to his mother. “She can’t just do that! Wrestler girl hasn’t even agreed to fight her!”

 Gibson turned to the ring. “Hey, Sunset? Are you okay with fighting my mom next?”

Sunset was now straddling Amber’s arms in addition to her torso. She looked up from lightly slapping Amber with on hand than the other and grinned wide. “You must be joking!”

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…” Amber uttered as she endured her light slapping and continued to attempt to force Sunset off of her.

Gibson pointed at his mom with his thumb. “She’s filling out a waiver and everything!”

Sunset released another derisive laugh. “AHAHAHAHAHA… Sure, if people are lining up to embarrass themselves, I’m game!” Sunset lifted a leg of her opponent and scooted over to her side.

Amber made a pained grunt as she got up to her knees. “Oh, big mista—”

Sunset suddenly shifted to behind Amber and wrapped her arm around her neck.

“HEY!” Amber cried. “What are you…”

Sunset chuckled. “Bedtime, little baby…” Sunset squeezed her arm against Amber’s neck.

Despite the pain in her shoulders and upper arms, Amber clawed at the arm around her neck as she gurgled out in alarm. Her struggling soon lessened, then ceased entirely as her eyes began to close.

Sunset felt the woman in her arms go slack. She let go of her and Amber’s unconscious body fell to the mat.

Gibson watched the fight conclude and shouted, “Sunset Shimmer wins!”

The crowd erupted into a loud mix of cheers and boos.

Sunset stood up and brushed her palms against each other. “Next?”

Gibson’s mom rolled her eyes and handed the clipboard back to her son. “Go collect bets, Gibson.”

Gibson nodded. “Sure, mom.” He quickly ran out into the crowd.

Gibson’s mom turned to Chris. “Hey, could you get me some hand wrap?”

“Uh, sure…” Chris said as he rushed off towards the bakery.

“What should I do, mom?” the boy asked.

Gibson’s mom kneeled down and put her hand on her son’s shoulder.

“Just sit tight, Button. This will be over soon…”

Button nodded. “Sure, mom.”

“Also remember that you shouldn’t resort to violence, sweetie.”

Button nodded again. “Right, mom.”

Elise looked Gibson’s mom up and down and lifted an eyebrow. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Gibson’s mom stood up, raised her hands in front of her chest and placed a fist into an open palm. She cracked her knuckles. “Trust me, sun face has no idea what she’s in for…”

-ooo-

Dan shook his head as he sat down his binoculars.

“What’s wrong?” Pinkie asked from the passenger’s seat.

“Just the big, stupid guy with his small, stupid bell out front,” Dan said in a disappointed tone. “It’s like they’re not even taking us seriously!”

“Awww, cheer up Dan!” Pinkie said. “This way we don’t have to besiege the store with high explosives!”

“But I wanted to besiege the store with high explosives!” Dan whined.

Pinkie put a gentle hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Well, at least this way there’s less chance of us hurting Couchy 2.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I guess so… Fine!” he huffed out. “I guess we’ll just sneak in, grab the couch, and sneak out!”

Pinkie nodded satisfactorily.

 “I just wish I could see the look on their stupid faces when they realize the couch is gone,” Dan grumbled.

“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie said.

“Yeah, Goofball?”

“… How are we going to sneak out while carrying an entire couch?”

“Uh…” Dan frowned as he thought about this. “I uh… didn’t think about that part…” he admitted sheepishly.

“Oooo! Oooo! I have an idea!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Dan sighed and smacked a palm against his face. “This oughta be good…”

“We sneak into the bedding section, cut eye holes into the sheets, and then wear them!” Pinkie said with a grin. “Then we’ll tell anyone there that we’re ghosts and Couchy 2 is haunted! I bet they just let us walk out with it!”

Dan dragged his hand down his face revealing a sour expression. “Pinkie, there are bad ideas and then there are your ideas!”

“What’s the difference?” Pinkie asked.

“Well… let’s just say it’s a good thing you’re adorable,” Dan replied.

“Awww! Gee, thanks!” Pinkie replied with a smile.

“Hold, up… something’s coming…” Dan said.

The couple ducked low in their car as a van down the street sat at a stoplight. Dan quickly raised his binoculars and grinned. “It’s a Salvation Armed Forces van.” Dan put down the binoculars and turned to Pinkie with a toothy grin. “Pinkie, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

Pinkie tapped her cheek thoughtfully. “I think so, Dan. But if koalas aren’t really bears, what other secrets are they hiding from the world?!”

“What? NO YOU STU—UUHG! I was thinking we can jump the driver of that van and disguise ourselves as Salvation Armed Forces employees!” Dan cried as he flung his hands out emphatically.

Pinkie gasped. “It has violence and disguises! That way everyone is happy!” She paused briefly and added. “Uh… Except for our victims, of course.”

Dan chuckled. “Well, they don’t count…” He quickly opened his car door and jumped out, baseball bat in hand. “Let’s roll!”

“Best couple's outing to pick out a couch, ever!” Pinkie cried.

Part 15 … Vs. …: Dan Vs. Teleportation

Part 15 … Vs. …: Dan Vs. Teleportation

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 … Vs. …

Dan Vs. Teleportation

-oooooo-

The door to Dan and Pinkie’s apartment suddenly flew open as the two walked in. Grins were on their faces, their arms full of colorful top hats, wands, flowers, playing cards, and other items one might expect to see at a magician’s act. They unceremoniously dumped everything in the middle of their living room area in between the large, flat screen TV and black coffee table before practically collapsing against each other on their red couch.

“Well, that was surprisingly enjoyable!” Dan said. “And not just because I got to hurt people!”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “I know, right!” She giggled and fluttered her eyelids at Dan. “I guess even fake, theme park versions of things can be fun if you approach with an open mind!”

Dan nodded. “And steal from them as well as commandeer their bathrooms with your lover for a while.”

“Well, I thought that went without saying,” Pinkie said.

“I just wished I figured out that whole teleportation thing,” Dan bemoaned.

Pinkie smiled. “You’ll get it! You’re like the smartest, most determined person I know!” Pinkie swung an arm in front of her chest. “You just need to keep at it!”

Dan sighed. “Yeah, I guess.” He closed his eyes and placed his index fingers against his temples. “Turkey sandwich…” he said. “Turkey sandwich!” he said with a bit more force this time.

Pinkie frowned slightly as she watched Dan focus his full attention on attempting to summon a turkey sandwich onto the couple’s coffee table.

“Truuuurkeeeey sandwich!”

Pinkie suddenly smiled. “You know what well help you?”

“Peace and quiet?!” Dan snapped back grumpily.

Paying no mind to Dan’s tone, Pinkie continued. “A nice big plate of brownies with some nice lactose-free milk to go with them.”

Dan’s expression softened a bit. “Well… that does sound pretty great,” he admitted.

Pinkie sat up, running a hand over Dan’s stubble covered cheeks as she did. “You just sit right there and concentrating on bending the laws of space and time to summon a sandwich.”

 Dan smiled and nodded as he closed his eye again and continued his pseudo-chanting. “Turkeeeeeey sandwich!”

Pinkie walked her way over to the fridge, which was right by the front door of the rather small apartment. She opened it and peered inside. “Huh…” she said as she scanned the contents. Pinkie quickly followed this up by poking her head inside and went so far as to place a sneaker-clad foot on the bottom shelf, inserting herself part ways to look inside. “Did you finish your lactose-free milk this morning?” she asked, her body still halfway inside the refrigerator.

Dan looked up from concentrating long enough to furrow his eyebrows and shoot Pinkie an annoyed look. “If I did, don’t you think I would have remembered and stopped at the grocery store to pick some up!? And come out of the fridge! You’ll spoil all the turkey meat I won’t need in a second here when I successfully conjure up a sandwich!”

Pinkie pulled herself out of the fridge and stared blankly at Dan for a moment. She simply smiled. “I’ll just run down to the store and pick some up.”

Dan nodded “You do that,” he said simply before returning to his attempt at sandwich summoning. “Turkey sandwich!”

Pinkie closed the fridge and walked back up to the couch in front of Dan. She leaned down and planted a kiss on his forehead. “I love you, see you soon.”

Dan stopped long enough to give Pinkie a small smile. “I love you, too,” he said before almost immediately closing his eyes and returning to the task he was engaged in. “Turkey saaaaandwich!”

Pinkie smiled happily to herself, reached into the pile of miscellaneous magic gear, and pulled out her pink handbag. She slung it diagonally across her body and headed out into the bright, sunny day.

-ooo-

From a building across the street from Casa Paradiso, a head covered in red and yellow hair poked out above the several foot tall parapet of the flat roof.

“She’s out,” Sunset announced from behind a pair of binoculars.

“I don’t know why you bothered with those binoculars,” Trixie announced as she sat on what appeared to be a somewhat neglected, large wooden ballista and filed her nails.  The ballista, in turn, was on top of a roof that bore a thin layer of grit and a slightly greenish tint likely due to a lack of cleaning. Trixie continued, “It’s pretty easy to see from across the street if a woman with long, pink hair leaves the building just by looking.”

Sunset lowered the binoculars slightly, her left eye twitched slightly as an annoyed look crossed her face. “Just trying to maintain an air of professionalism regarding all this.” Sunset raised her binoculars back up to her eyes. “Not that any of you care…” she added in an aggravated tone.

A few feet away, Fairy Girl leaned next to the worn, metal door of the roof entrance, with a slightly bored look on her face. “It’s all just a wee bit convoluted for my taste,” she declared.

“Yeah,” Helen agreed as she sat on a cardboard box. “I mean, if we already had a ballista setup on the roof, we could have taken them both out and just have been done with it! Heck! Everyone could have simply rushed them and took them out!”

Sunset sighed. “Even assuming we did either of those things and succeeded, we still have all their friends and co-workers to consider. Asterisk has confirmed a few are pretty resourceful, and probably not above coming after us. If we simply took out those two and went on our merry way, there’s no telling who might start picking us off one-by-one.”

Helen raised an eyebrow. “Asterisk?” she asked.

Fairy Girl chuckled and shook her head, her long locks of red hair rocking slightly as she did. “Sunset thinks herself clever for that one.”

Sunset blew a dismissive gust of air at an errant strand of red hair in front of her face. “I know I’m clever. I just call him that because I got sick of clarifying which ‘Dan’ I was talking about in conversation.”

“Well, she’s gone,” Trixie said as she held her finger nails in front of her face and eyed them. “Can’t we get this show on the road already?”

Sunset turned and shot Trixie an irritated glance. “Did you pay any attention on the car ride over?”

“Only the important parts,” Trixie replied.

Sunset furrowed her brow. “You mean the parts where you were mentioned by name?”

Trixie glanced up from her hand and grinned. “That’s what I said, ‘the important parts’.”

Fairy Girl chuckled to herself as Sunset sighed heavily.

“Walked right into that one…” Sunset muttered to herself. She turned back to Trixie. “Well, we need to wait until we get a message saying that Pinkie is well far away before we move. We don’t want her just showing back up and wrecking everything.” Sunset smiled darkly. “Besides, if all goes according to plan this will all be finished by the end of tonight…”

-ooooo-

“Completely out of lactose-free milk?!” Pinkie cried in disbelief as she stood in front of refrigeration cases full of dairy products. A noticeable empty space was directly behind her.

A freckled grocery store employee nodded, a slightly apologetic look on his face. “Sorry, we had a rush on it this morning… every carton bought up.”

Pinkie scrunched her lips up slightly as she contemplated what to do next.

“Well… I guess the next closest grocery store isn’tthat far away…” she uttered to herself. “And I mean… what are the chances they’re completely out too?!”  Pinkie turned and smiled at the grocery store employee who was helping her. “Thanks for your help!” she said excitedly.

-ooooo-

“Oh, come on!” Pinkie cried as she stared at another empty spot in a fridge where a line of lactose-free milk was expected to be. She turned her head from side to side, looking down the line of refrigeration units full of dairy products. She spotted someone who might assist her in her on her unusually long, quest to pick up a carton of lactose-free milk, a male grocery store employee who seemed to be restocking the eggs. Pinkie put on a smile and walked up to the man.

“Excuse me, sir…” Pinkie said. “You wouldn’t happen to have any more lactose free milk in stock would you? I checked the place where you usually have it and it was empty!”

A bespectacled man with brown, greying hair and a large chin turned towards Pinkie and give her a small smile. “Is that so? Well I’ll just have to double-check the back to see if we have any more.”

Pinkie’s smile widened. “Thanks, mister! I need it so my boyfriend will feel better about his issues teleporting sandwiches!”

“Uh… right… sure…” the man said as a touch of confusion entered his face. “I’ll just head back and check on that item for you…”

“Wow! You’re super-de-duper helpful!” Pinkie said.

The man walked past Pinkie as he headed for a pair of black double-doors. His smile widened ever so slightly. “Oh, we’re all about customer service here… Just sit right here and I’ll be back.”

Pinkie bent her knees and lowered herself onto her shins, letting her green skirt fall neatly over her thighs and shoes. “Okie-dokie-lokie!” she said happily.

The man pushed past the double doors into the back of the grocery store.

-ooooo-

“Soo… what’s he doing?” Trixie asked.

Sunset lowered her binoculars to roll her eyes. She began to talk in a nasally, mocking tone, “‘Why’d you bring binoculars, Sunset? You can see if someone leaves! What possible reason would you need an item that lets you see faraway objects other than that?’”

Fairy Girl chuckled to herself.

It was Trixie’s turn to roll her eyes, “Alright, alright, I get it! I didn’t know we’d be out here this long! I’m sorry about getting on your case about the binoculars! Now can you please tell me what he’s doing?”

Sunset raised the binoculars back to her eyes. “He seems to be sitting on his couch with his eyes closed and his fingers pointed at the sides of his head. He keeps on saying something over and over again…”

“What’s he saying?” Trixie asked.

Sunset slowly lowered her binoculars and stared up at Trixie. Her expression was a contorted mess as if a bus full of confusion slammed into her facade of irritation. “You do know how binoculars work, don’t you?!”

“Hmmph… this is just so boring!” Trixie cried.

“Well, I can’t help if he’s not doing anything interesting!” Sunset snapped.  She placed her binoculars back over her face. “Oh wait… he’s getting up… Alright, now he’s yelling at the coffee table… And now he’s motioning to the top of it while yelling… Aaaand he just kicked it over… Oh wait, now…” Sunset lowered the binoculars, her eyes wide. “That can’t be right…”

“What cannae be right?” Fairy Girl asked.

Sunset clenched the fingers of her free hand into a loose fist and rubbed one eye and then the other. “Well… it looked like a slice of deli meat appeared out of thin air and fell onto the floor.”

“Deli meat?” Helen asked.

“Is it still there?” Trixie asked.

Sunset checked her binoculars again. “Yes… still there… And he’s dancing around it happily…”

Fairy Girl frowned. “I sense a bit of magic in the air…”

Trixie suddenly stood and stared off into the distance. “I feel it, too…” she said as a light gust of air hit the roof, lifting her purple cape and silvery-blue strands of hair briefly before they drifted back into place.

Fairy Girl folded her arms over her simple blue dress. “Yer not even facing the right direction.”

“TRIXIE WAS JUST BEING DRAMATIC!” Trixie shot back.

“I bet you just said ye could feel the magic as to not be left out!”

“You can’t prove that!” Trixie snapped.

Helen gave the group an impatient look. “Can we go now?”

Sunset shook her head. “Magic or not, we still have to wait for the signal.”

‘DING!’

Sunset paused and looked down at a magenta handbag with a golden, sun-shaped clasp to keep it closed. She bent down to undo the clasp as she placed her hand inside, retrieving a smartphone. “Alright, that’s the signal,” Sunset said as she looked at her phone. She placed it back into her handbag and fished out a brown cap with a stiff bill that read ‘FedPS’ on the front.

Sunset stood back up, and raised a hand to push her long, red and yellow hair towards the back of her head. She placed the cap onto her head. The cap held back her hair except for a small lock of red peaked out from under the cap, hand over Sunset’s left eye.

“Let’s go,” Sunset said.

Fairy Girl opened the door she was standing next to and entered. Helen quickly followed.

Trixie rolled her eyes as she made her way to the door. “‘The signal’ was just a text message, wasn’t it?”

“Shut up,” Sunset replied indignantly.

-ooooo-

Pinkie sat on her legs on the white and black linoleum floor of the grocery store with a glazed over, bored look on her face as she rested her elbows on her thighs and her head in her hands.

She sighed to herself. “Geez-Louisee! It’s taking a super long time to track down a carton of lactose-free milk!” She frowned. “I hope that man is alright…” Her eyes widened slightly. “I mean… what if he was attacked by a bunch of frozen hotdogs that gained self-awareness?!”  Pinkie paused and furrowed her brow slightly. “Wait… Would self-aware hotdogs figure out how delicious they are and try to eat each other…? Is that where the phrase ‘dog-eat-dog world’ came—”

“Here’s your lactose-free milk, miss!”

Pinkie looked up to see the employee who was helping her hold up a half-gallon, cardboard carton of lactose-free milk. She smiled and stood back up. “Thanks, mister!” She grabbed the carton. “You’ve been very…” Pinkie Pie trailed off, her eyes going wide as they unfocused.

Pinkie felt a sensation that she had been feeling with less and less frequency as she had stayed with Dan and adjusted to the chaos of his world. A sensation that caused her to drop the carton of lactose-free milk she was holding. The carton hit the ground with a solid ‘plop’ as it burst on impact with the linoleum floor, spraying milk-like-substance all over the floor, the bottom of the refrigeration units, and her feet.  Her face suddenly turned a shade that quite resembled the liquid that now covered the floor.

The man surprisingly said nothing and silently watched Pinkie.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” Pinkie said. “I… I have to go,” with that, Pinkie turned and fled towards the exit, sprinting hard and fast.

A smile slowly spread across the man’s face, like black ink spilled from a well. The man watched Pinkie run off down the aisle and out of the store.  “No problem,” he said, “I’ll clean up.”

-ooooo-

Decked out in a short-sleeved, buttoned up brown shirt and brown shorts to match her hat, Sunset rapped on the door to apartment ‘8’ lightly with her knuckles. “Delivery!” she said sweetly as she clutched a clipboard to her chest. A large, cardboard box sat next to her.

Trixie sighed as she leaned against the apartment wall. “When you said, ‘let’s go’, I didn’t think you meant, ‘let’s go downstairs so I can change’.”

“Shut up!” Sunset cried. “He could open that door at any--”

The door suddenly swung open. “Did you just tell me to shut up!?” Dan demanded.

“NO!” Sunset cried as she turned towards Dan. She looked back and forth nervously and glanced down. “I was just… talking to my clipboard! I saw something on it that made me angry.”

“Yeah, they do that…” Dan said as he reached out for the clipboard. He began scrawling something on it before he looked up. “Say… Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

Sunset smiled. “You probably remember leaving me to freeze to death in an ice rink.”

Dan paused and stared at Sunset.

“... Wait,” Sunset said, “are you actually having to think about it?!”

“GIVE ME A SECOND!” Dan shouted back. “It’ll come to me!”

“WELL HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LEAVE TO FREEZE TO DEATH IN AN ICE RINK?!”

“Look lady,” Dan said as he leveled an index finger at Sunset. “I may not walk around leaving flighty broads to die in ice rinks, but I live a very busy life full of righting wrongs! Maybe you should start with what you did to me.”

“But I didn’t do anything to you!” Sunset cried.

“Can I do my part now?” Trixie asked.

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Is there some sort of singing telegram thing or something that goes with this? I should warn you, I’ve been known to bite people who irritate me with singing… well… person.”

Sunset shot an angry expression off to her side. “WHAT PART OF ‘HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU’RE HERE’ DID YOU NOT GET?!”

“Oops,” Trixie said.

“Is this some sort of weird surprise that you suck at executing?” Dan asked. “Did Pinkie put you up to this?”

Sunset smacked a palm against her forehead. “We don’t have time for this. Trixie, just do your thing.”

“SLEEP!” Trixie cried as she suddenly leaned forward and thrust her palms in front of Dan’s face.

Dan’s eyelids dropped slightly and soon his entire body fell, collapsing into a heap in front of Sunset.

Sunset took off her cap and shook her head, allowing her red-and-yellow hair to fall back into place. She sighed. “Well that was far less satisfying than I had hoped...” Her expression brightened slightly as she turned towards Helen. “Your turn!”

Helen sighed and walked up to Dan. She got behind him and leaned down, picking him up slightly as she dragged him into the apartment. “I can’t believe you guys just brought me to drag the heavy stuff…”

Trixie giggled. “That’s what happens when you don’t know any magic.”

Helen narrowed her eyes at Trixie as she walked out and leaned down next to the box. “Sunset doesn’t know any magic.”

Sunset folded her arms over her chest. “I had to run this little operation. If I wasn’t there you three would have been launching flaming logs at this place from across the street!”

Fairy Girl chuckled to herself. “Ye say that like it’s a bad thing!”

Helen made a strained grunt as she stood up with the large cardboard box. She trudged back inside with it, stepping over Dan as she made her way to the kitchen counter.

“Hurry it up!” Sunset barked out. “You never know when that pink-haired bimbo will just show up…”

-ooooo-

‘SLAM!’

“Dan!” Pinkie cried in a frantic tone as she poked her head into the apartment.

There was no answer.

“Daaaaan!” Pinkie called out as she stepped into the apartment, her tone becoming increasingly panicky as she looked around. “Oh, please tell me you’re here and okay…! My knee got pinchy and…”

“Meow?”

“Mr. Mumbles!” Pinkie cried.  She bee lined for the bedroom and threw the door open.

“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles mewed from the floor. She quickly leapt up into Pinkie’s arms who wrapped them around the grey cat.

Pinkie hugged Mr. Mumbles tightly to her chest. “What happened?” she asked, tears starting to form in her eyes. “Did they… did they take Dan?”

Mr. Mumbles replied with a sad sounding “Meow” as she motioned with one of her front paws to a rectangular black object that sat about a foot and a half high on the kitchen counter.

“Huh…” Pinkie said as she walked over to the item. “That’s Dan’s old VCR TV combo set… Did he get it out of storage…?”

Pinkie walked towards the front of the TV and noticed a video tape sitting on the counter in front of it. The words ‘Play Me’ printed neatly on a label. She picked up the tape and placed it into the player on the television set. The screen flickered briefly as the word ‘PLAY’ was displayed in bright bold lettering in a corner of the set before a scene of a man with piercing blue eyes, well-kempt hair, and a triangular soul patch came on. Wearing a blue button-up shirt and striped brown and tan tie, the man sat at a wooden desk. Metal walls devoid of decoration or paint were all that was visible behind him.

“Ah, Pinkie,” the man said with a smile. “You acted just as I expected!” His eyes narrowed as his smile turned a bit dark. “Of course, I knew you would…”

“YOU!” Pinkie cried as her eyes went wide. Mr. Mumbles leapt out of Pinkie’s arms and onto the kitchen counter.

“Yes, me,” Dan* said with a dark smirk, “me, me, me…” The man leaned to his left and motioned with his right hand. Dan hung limply against the wall, suspending by his wrists which had a pair of medieval-looking metal shackles around them.  “Me, too.” Dan* added as his smile grew ever so slightly wider.

“DAN!” Pinkie exclaimed. “What did you do to him?!” Pinkie cried in a demanding tone as she placed her face against the television screen. “If he’s not okay, I swear I’ll cut you open and make a cake out of your insides!”

“Whoa! Hahaaa…” Dan* took a playful swipe at the air. “Rrrrowr! Watch out for this kitty! She has claws!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and reached into her handbag. She quickly produced a chef’s knife and held the gleaming, eight inch blade in front of the TV set. “Actually, I have large knife. A large knife I’m not afraid to introduce to you, one organ at a time.”

“Hehe, easy tigress. Put that little sword away before you hurt someone! Anyhow, he’s alive… no permanent damage done.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, you’re getting stabbed, just so you know.” She suddenly pursed her lips in confusion and examined the sides of the TV closely. “Wait… if this is a tape how do you know what I’m doing and how to respond?”

Dan shook his head. “Oh, Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie…” He grinned wickedly. “Don’t you see? I know everything about you two!”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Oh, I doubt that…”

Dan* wagged his finger back and forth in front of the screen. “I’m in your head! I know everything you’re going to say.” He smiled darkly again. “Everything you’re going to do, even!”

Pinkie folded her arms over her chest as she continued to hold the chef’s knife in her right hand. “So you know I’m about to say that this whole Lelouche thing doesn’t scare me and I’m coming to get back my boyfriend anyways?”

Dan* smirked. “I’m guessing that was a reference to one of those Japanese cartoons you two like to watch together?”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow. “You knew I’d reference something, but you didn’t know what? That’s kind of sad, actually.”

Dan* raised his hands in a shrug and shook his head from side to side. “I’m afraid we just don’t share a common interest there…”

“Oh, whatever…” Pinkie uttered as she looked over the TV again. “Did you take this thing out of Dan’s storage unit?” she asked.

Dan* continued to stare out of the screen with a dark smile. “Indeed, just wanted you to get a picture of how much I know about you two.”

“Well… okay… But I mean… you could have picked up a TV like this from a thrift store… I don’t know why you’re going to such lengths to prove you’re an obsessed maniac,” Pinkie said as she motioned out to Dan* with her knife. “I mean… we already knew that…”

Dan*’s lips suddenly raised as she showed Pinkie a smile of perfectly bright, white teeth. “Do you? You may think me mad, but it will matter little when I finally have my revenge on you two!” Dan* steepled his fingers in front of his face. “I’ve mapped out everything you’re going to do! Everything your friends are going to do! Everything is perfectly planned out! And the best part is I’m telling you all this and you’re going to do it anyway! You’re going to walkright into a trap and bring all your little friends with you! Now, is that victory, or is that victory?” Dan* began to laugh maniacally. “AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Pinkie glowered at the screen. “This is all going to be a lot less funny when I bury this knife in your back, you realize.”

Dan* grinned back. “Oh you’ll try… I know you will…” Dan* suddenly sat back in his chair and placed his feet up on the table. He crossed them over each other as he placed his hands behind his head. “Now, to set the mood I’ve left another surprise with the T.V.”

“Is it a map to where I can find you?” Pinkie asked. “‘Cause that’d save us both a lot of time with the ‘me tracking you down and stabbing you’ situation…”

Dan* shook his head. “Now that would just take the fun out of everything.” He looked up and smiled once more. “No, you’ll find me but it won’t do you any good.”

Pinkie lowered her eyelids slightly and gave the screen an unamused expression. “Uh… I’m pretty sure finding you and performing violent acts on you will improve my current mood substantially.”

“SPEAKING of violent acts,”  Dan* raised his left wrist in front of him and looked at a watch. “Your surprise should be coming up in the next ten, no nine seconds.”

Pinkie furrowed her brow and shot the T.V. a confused look.

“Eight.”

Pinkie’s eyes went wide before she sighed.

“Seven.”

“Uhg… There’s a bomb in the T.V,” Pinkie said.

Mr. Mumbles made a distressed sounding “Merow” and bounded off the kitchen counter.

“Six.” Dan* nodded. “Yep, have fun! Five!”

Pinkie quickly snatched the TV’s power cord and ripped it from the wall.

“Fo—”

The speakers went dead and the screen went dark.

Pinkie quickly grabbed the TV set in both hands. “Three!” she said to herself.

She took a few quick steps towards the still open apartment door. “Two!”

Pinkie flung the T.V. outside. It sailed over the walkway, over the railing and out into the bright, sunny day.

“One—”

‘KERSPLODE!’

“EEK!” Pinkie let out a quick, startled yelp before instinctively throwing her arms up in front of her face.

Plastic and glass shrapnel shot out in all directions from the explosion, peppering the area with debris and even Pinkie with scratches and lacerations as tiny pieces from the ex-TV flew in from the open doorway.

After the explosion, there was no sound. Only an eerie quiet left in the wake of the loud boom.

Pinkie remained standing, the pain and injuries barely even registering to her as she lowered her arms. The idea that she had been given a slightly off count to start with was quickly washed away as another idea took root. Additionally she paid no mind to the sounds of a balloon deflating or her usually curly hair going straight and limp against her face and shoulders.

She paid no attention the new tears in her clothing, the scratches across her bare forearms and legs, or even the trickle of blood running down her forehead and onto her nose.  The only thought that occurred to her is that something very important to her happiness had been taken.

And she knew she had to get it back.

And she knew she had to make the man who had taken it from her pay.

Sky-blue eyes went wide briefly as they twitched and the set of teeth below them ground against each other briefly.

IT

IS

ON!

Pinkie balled her hands into fists, threw her arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
Pinkamena Vs.
Dan*

*Imposter

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Bonus Chapter, Save the Last L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E. for Me

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*: Bonus Chapter, Save the Last L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E. for Me

The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 15 Pinkamena Vs. Dan*

Bonus: Save the Last L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E. for Me

-oooooo-

That could have gone better…

Dan* slowly rose to his feet as he watched his would-be prey leisurely stroll out the warehouse. The primary targets of his vendetta strolled out and shot each other loving glances, almost as if they were simply out to enjoy the early morning air and sunrise.

He thought his plan was foolproof. He thought he had everything under control and even a few surprises and trump cards if things got out of hand. Unfortunately for him, things got out of hand much quicker than expected, and Dan’s pink-haired girlfriend turned out to be too unpredictable and far too skilled to handle.

With the ragged cut across his chest oozing blood and the cut and puncture wound on his back adding to the concerning amount of red fluid leaving his body, he walked towards the center of the warehouse.

It was possible he had taken out a few of Dan and Pinkie’s friends, but he wasn’t sure. Not that such things would be much of a consolation prize. They were merely targets because they were in the way or potential threats for later. With Dan, Pinkie, Chris, and even Elise still out there, any of their friend’s death might mean he’d have to lay low or deal with a very dangerous enemy.

Well… excluding Chris, that is. Dan* thought with a smirk as he reached for a handle in the floor and opened the slab that led to Dr. Pullum’s secret lab. I’m sure I could still distract him with pie.

Dan* pulled the concrete cover away, revealing a metal ladder. He slowly placed his feet on it and began to climb down, one arm pressed against his bleeding chest as best he could.

Werewolf or not, Pinkie cut him deep, and with weapons plated with silver no less. Seems he was a quick healer for most things he had encountered, but silver turned out to be ever as painful and potentially lethal as all the legends and movies had made it out to be.

He reached the ground and scanned the walls lined with monitors, buttons, and other typical supervillain stuff until his eyes settled on a white box with a big red cross in the center.

First he’d stop the bleeding, then he’d think about calling a hospital. Might be hard to explain the whole showing up to a warehouse that’s had its insides torn up and having the EMTs make their way into a supervillian’s lair, Dan* mused as he slowly made his way to the first aid kit.

Dan* grabbed the first aid kit, opened it, and immediately pulled out as much gauze as he could. He placed it against the large cut across his chest and did his best to place some against the wounds on his back. He walked over to a red swivel chair in front of some of the monitors and pulled out some bandages from the kit, wrapping them around himself as he continued to dwell on how the last several hours had gone.

Well, Terrfi-guy or Terri-man is still due to show up… but Dan and his friends have beaten him before… And Dan didn’t have crazy super-strength back then… That’s probably a bust as well…

Dan* frowned heavily as he leaned back in the chair, finally taking in everything that had led up to what was a pretty disappointing outcome for him. Considering the time spent and the wounds received, maybe, just maybeDan Mandel and his insane girlfriend are not a pair to be trifled with. Dan* narrowed his eyes,Still… the fact that those two crazies are somehow functioning in society is pretty enraging…

‘KEEEEERRRRRSPLOOOOOOOD!’

Dan* stared up as the already broken floor, or rather ceiling from his perspective, cracked under an explosion. He heard the resounding crash of the warehouse collapsing on the floor above him and watched as the ceiling cracked further and even began to sag.

As massive and solid slabs of concrete began to fall, he couldn’t help but feel that maybe Sunset Shimmer had the right idea.

-ooooooo-

Sunset Shimmer threw open the door of the coffee shop as if she was tossing a bit of garbage that had somehow offended her away. The hydraulic door closer which kept it from slamming and the little bell that announced her arrival made the act utterly unsatisfying to her.

She scanned the establishment and quickly picked out a woman with blue-tinted silvery hair who offered her a small smile and a wave. Trixie was wearing a simple, if glittery, light-blue blouse which had the first couple buttons undone, exposing her cleavage. She sat with her jean-covered legs crossed with a steaming mug of whipped cream covered coffee in front of her.

Sunset met the greeting with an eye roll and walked past the line of people who wanted to order coffee to sit across from her.

Trixie smirked as she looked Sunset up then down. “Judging by the lack of injuries, I’m guessing you either destroyed the pink-haired girl utterly or figured you had better things to do than to do than sully your hands attempting to fight her.”

Sunset shook her head. “More like she brought a chainsaw with her and I decided I didn’t care enough about any of what was going on to get a piece of that.”

Trixie took a quick sip of her coffee and set the mug back on the table. “And Helen?”

“I had to drop the little moron off at the hospital after she decided she did want a piece of the action. Sunset rested an elbow on the table then placed leaned her head against her palm. “She’ll live… but I doubt she’s learned anything…”

Trixie nodded. “Asterisk?”

Sunset shrugged. “Probably beat up and licking his wounds… As angry and prepared he thought he was over all this, that girl was out for blood and plenty of her friends were still up and kicking when I left.” Sunset frowned. “They also had high explosives.”

Trixie leaned back and whistled. “Guess he really couldn’t have prepared for everything, huh?”

“Guess not…” Sunset said in a slightly melancholy tone. “So how’d things go with those creepy and greasy balloonist guys?”

Trixie smirked. “I found something better than getting revenge. They all got beat up by that angry blond-haired girl you fought in a wrestling match a while back.”

Sunset’s eyes widened. “Her? Really? I mean… she’s determined, I’ll give her that, but she wasn’t exactly a powerhouse of fighting skill.”

“Well she was pretty mad. She basically just ran around beating the tar out of all of them while they screamed and tried to run away.” Trixie took another sip of coffee. “What happened to Dr. Pullum?”

“I think one of Dan’s friends got him and all his robots too… I didn’t see him, but his robots got destroyed by bats by the look of things.”

Trixie cocked an eyebrow as she raised her mug to her lips. “… Bats?”

“They were very big bats.”

“… Weird… Have you heard anything from the androids?”

“No, and good riddance. I was tired of them creepily offering for all of us to exercise with them.”

Trixie nodded. “It would have helped if there weren’t restraints on all their exercise equipment…”

Sunset sighed. “So it’s just you and me mourning the not so painful loss of L.A.P.D.A.N.C.E.”

Trixie smiled and shook her head. “Actually I invited a mutual friend of ours. She has a boyfriend she’s desperate to show off.”

Sunset crinkled her brow briefly before her eyes went wide. “You… you invited her?! …And she has a boyfriend?!” Sunset’s expression went blank. “He must either be morbidly obese or rail thin, with massive coke-bottle glasses held together with tape in the middle…”

Trixie shook her head. “I asked, and she said he’s actually handsome, a healthy weight, and also doesn’t wear glasses.”

“No… No way!” Sunset said as she made a small ‘X’ with her hands and wrists and spread her arms apart. “I refuse to believe she found a guy who doesn’t look like he’s king of the dorks.”

Trixie giggled. “I know, right?! Who’d believe someone attractive could see past how crazy she is to actually want to date her?”

“Alright, as true as that is, I must point out that you’re not one to talk.”

Trixie narrowed her eyes and leaned forward slamming her palms on the table. “Trixie has a boyfriend…” Trixie trailed off as her face turned slightly red and she stared off to her side. “… Sorta…”

“Sorta?” Sunset grinned wide. “Giving a boy’s name to something you keep in a box under your bed doesn’t count.”

Trixie gave Sunset an angry growl and reached into her purse. She pulled out her smartphone, pressed the screen a few times, and turned it to face Sunset. “See! We took a Trixie together!”

“… You mean a ‘selfie’.”

“It’s a Trixie when I do it.”

Sunset sighed heavily. “I pupping hate you so much…” she uttered as she stared at the screen. She cocked an eyebrow. “He looks like he’s seventeen…”

“Sixteen,” Trixie corrected. “But he’s seen all my MyTube videos and even watched one of my shows.”

Sunset’s smirk. “So he’s just some desperate, lonely under-aged fan?”

Trixie mirrored Sunset’s smirk. “Oh you make fun, but at least I have a boy who really likes me!”

“I… Shut up!” Sunset cried indignantly.“I have someone!”

“If he wasn’t blown to bits, you mean…”

Sunset let out a lengthy groan as she folded her arms over each other on the table and planted her forehead on them. “He was completely obsessed with vengeance, alright?!” Sunset remained faced down but lifted an index finger. “Also… he’s a werewolf and resourceful… so probably alive.”

A bell rang as the coffee shops door opened.

“Oh, speak of the nerdy devil herself,” Trixie said.

Sunset let her hand slump back to the table and answered Trixie with a groan.

“Hi, Trixie!” a happy feminine voice called out.

Trixie seemed to skip a verbal greeting, moving straight towards poking fun at the new arrival. “So where’s this so-called boyfriend of yours?”

“He’s parking his car, alright? Not my fault you two were meeting downtown!”

Trixie chuckled. “A likely excuse… Are you sure you didn’t just make him up to feel better about yourself.”

“Yes, Trixie,” the voice said in a slightly annoyed tone. “He’s real.”

“Hello Twilight…” Sunset said in an icy tone as she looked up. Before her stood a woman with purple hair that was just an inch short of shoulder length. A pink-and-magenta stripe of hair was set just slightly to the right of center of her short locks. She wore a sweater vest over a buttoned-up grey shirt and purple tie. The grey shirt had become slightly untucked from her purple skirt that went all the way to her ankles over a pair of gray socks and slip-on black shoes. A small pair of purple-framed glasses completed what Sunset often affectionately dubbed the ‘punk-rock librarian who just woke up from falling asleep at her desk’ look.

Twilight smile faded slightly as she looked down at Sunset. “Hello Sunset… I can’t believe it’s almost been a month since you’ve dragged me out somewhere because something made you upset.”

Sunset leaned back her chair and shot a bored look towards the line of people buying coffee. “Yeah well… I’ve been busy with a little project. But that’s all over.”  Sunset glared up at Twilight. “Now if you’re done being a finch to me, go stand in line and buy me a pupping coffee.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “‘Pupping’? ‘Finch’? Since when do you bother to censor yourself with cute animals instead of swears?”

Sunset raised her palms, curling her fingers slightly as she cried out in frustration, “WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?!”

From across the table Trixie covered her mouth as she desperately tried to contain her laughter.

Sunset pointed an index finger at Trixie. “YOU! YOU DID SOMETHING TO ME!”

Trixie removed her hands and began banging on the table with fist. “….AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, YES! YOU’VE BEEN SAYING CUTE ANIMAL NAMES INSTEAD OF CUSSING FOR OVER A DAY NOW!”

“GOD PUPPING LAMB IT ALL TO SHELL, TRIXIE!” Sunset leaned across the table and grabbed Trixie by her blouse. “You better pupping change me back right pupping now or I will pile drive you right off this God lamb table.”

Twilight broke into a fit of laughter.

Sunset turned and glared at Twilight. “And that goes double for you, nerd!”

Sunset caught a finger out of the corner of her eye before it was flicked against the space between her eyes. “Ow!” Sunset said turning towards Trixie. “The %#!& was that for?!”

Trixie chuckled. “You’re cured.”

Twilight chuckled. “Yep, totally cured!” she agreed. “Too bad, too. It sounds like I missed out of hours of small animals being inserted into sentences.”

Sunset sighed heavily as she slumped back into her chair. “Why the hell do I hang with you two?”

“Because we’re the only two girls you know who will put up with your horrible attitude?” Twilight suggested.

Trixie nodded. “Not to mention the hysterical crying for when she gets really upset!”

Twilight turned towards Trixie and shrugged. “Well I thought that went without saying.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Right, like it’s you two hopeless weirdoes who are doing me a favor.” She looked at Twilight. “Speaking of hopeless weirdoes, is that fake boyfriend of yours ever going to show up?!”

“FLASH IS NOT A WIERDO!” Twilight snapped angrily. “He’s super nice, and he plays the guitar!”

Sunset’s jaw unhinged. “Fa… Flash? Na… nice? Plays the guitar…?”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, he likes to go by ‘Flash Sentry’.”

Trixie wrinkled her brow slightly. “Sunset, you look like you’re going to be sick.” She leaned away from the table. “Please face a direction other than Trixie’s if you throw up.”

Sunset’s eyes unfocused. “Sweet merciful Jesus, please kill me now…” she murmured.

The coffee shop’s bell rang again.

Twilight turned, her face lighting up as it did. “There he is.”

Trixie’s eyes opened wide. “Wow… he’s actually not horribly disfigured! Handsome even.”

Twilight glanced behind her at Trixie and smirked. “See! I told you!”

Sunset turned. Her left eye twitched as a clicking gurgling sound escaped her mouth.

“Sorry, Twilight!” Flash said as he walked up. “You would not believe how hard it is to find parking downtown!”

“It’s fine!” Twilight said as she quickly wrapped her arms around one of Flash’s. She motioned to Trixie than Sunset. “Flash Sentry, these are my, and I use the word loosely, friends. Trixie Lulamoon and Sunset Shimmer.”

Flash opened his mouth as if to speak, but his mouth hung open as his sapphire eyes locked with Sunset’s teal ones.

Sunset looked very much as if she was trying to melt Flash with her gaze.

“Oh…wow… Hey, Sunset… You’re looking… er…”

“ALIVE?!” Sunset offered angrily.

“‘Well’! I was going to say ‘well’!”

“%#!& you!” Sunset cried. “I look %#!&ing fantastic and you know it!”

Twilight looked from Sunset to Flash, then back to Sunset narrowing her eyes. “I see you two have met.”

“Yeah! Flash and I dated for a bit and then he dumped me and left me to die of hypothermia at a skating rink!”

Twilight’s eyes widened and then she looked up at Flash.

Trixie giggled. “Awkwaaaaaaard!~” she sang out.

Flash looked down at Twilight. “Okay, in my defense, Sunset was pretty much an evil incarnate the entire time we dated.”

Twilight pursed her lips slightly then nodded. “Yeah, okay… that makes perfect sense… Actually, now I’m wondering why you dated her in the first place.”

“Uh…” Flash fidgeted nervously and rubbed the back of his head.

“Oh yes, please!” Sunset said sarcastically. “There’s nothing I’d rather do than hash out my failed relationship while you two morons watch.”

Trixie nodded her head up and down with an excited smile on her face. “Yes! Let’s! This is much more entertaining than Trixie could have even imagined!”

Sunset shot an irritated glance at Trixie, then a scowl at Twilight, and finally a death glare at Flash. She sighed heavily and stood up from the table. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the woman’s bathroom trying to kill myself with the toilet.”

Trixie smiled as Sunset made her way towards the bathrooms of the coffee house. “And you say I’m a drama queen!”

“%#!& YOU!” Sunset exclaimed as tears began to stream from her eyes.

Flash watched as Sunset threw open the door to the bathroom, stormed inside, and slammed it after her. He looked down at Twilight. “Uh… Maybe I should go…”

“What?! No!” Twilight exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around Flash’s tighter. “Do you know how hard it is for me to get under Sunset’s skin?”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “As hard as it is to work a light switch?”

Twilight shook her head. “No… I mean like really get under her skin. Really strip away that ‘I’m God’s gift to the planet’ attitude she has.”

Trixie paused for a moment, and then her face lit up.  She pointed at Flash. “Instead of just sitting in a chair, you should sit on Flash’s lap!”

Twilight gasped. “And Flash and I should start making out when Sunset stops her hysterical crying and gets out of the bathroom!”

“Oh my gosh!” Trixie exclaimed as she curled her fingers and brought clenched hands up to her cheeks. “You should, you two totally should!”

“Wait…” Flash said looking down at Twilight. “You want to make out with me to twist the knife regarding me dumping Sunset and not caring if she lived or died in a pool of freezing water…”

Twilight frowned. “Wow… when you put it like that, it’s pretty appal—”

“That is awesome!”

Twilight smiled widely and turned to Trixie. “Ooo! You should call your new handsome adoring fan you told me about and invite him! That way we both can be making out with guys when she comes out.”

Trixie frowned slightly. “That may get me arrested for corruption of a minor, but I’ll consider it.”

-ooooooo-

Sitting in a sagging aged and faded easy chair, a pale man with long brown hair tied into a ponytail and a small goatee on his chin opened his eyes and stared out into the open space of the large, but borderline condemned-looking room he sat in.

A few scattered lamps with dim light bulbs provided the room with the barest of illumination, each light providing barely more than what a lit candle would provide. The walls were dingy and broken in places and the windows were painted black. The ceiling looked every bit as worn and damaged as everything else in the room, sporting brown water stains and sagged in places.

Still, it was not the room that concerned him, nor the events that had led to him staying in such a decrepit place. What concerned him was a feeling that had suddenly come to him as he sat thinking.

The man broke his own silence with a question. “Do you guys ever get a feeling of being left out of something? Like there was a big party or something and you weren’t invited?”

“Only all the time!” a man with flawless granite skin, and golden topaz eyes answered from the beat up couch he sat on.

“Shut up, Ed,” a pale man with jet black hair, a buttoned black shirt, and jeans replied as he leaned against a wall. “James wasn’t asking you. Of course you’d know what that feels like.”

A female in a charcoal-covered blouse and skirt looked up from a black book titled The Zohar. She turned towards Ed who sat next to her on the couch. “Yeah, we never invite you to parties.”

Ed narrowed his eyes. “You guys suck…”

The other pale people in the room all groaned.

“… literally, because you’re vampires.”

The female vampire rolled her eyes. “And you wonder why you don’t get invited to parties.”

James shook his head. “Well… Ed has a point. It’s hard to explain… It’s like… like… something big just happened and we weren’t deemed important enough to be a part of it…”

The vampire with jet black hair rolled his eyes. “Like the time our”—the vampire air-quoted—“‘fearless’ leaders decided to go hunting by themselves but got scared when a dog barked at them and ran back home?”

James shook his head. “No, Steve. Bigger than that… More like when that angry guy and that pink-haired girl killed the master and we were all sick or under rocks so we couldn’t do anything!”

“Hey! I was there!” Ed cried.

The female vampire raised her book in front of her face. “That’s because you’re a freak and you actually liked being touched by that girl…”

Ed held up his hands in a shrug. “Hey, not my fault you guys get all queasy and fall over when a girl touches you!”

The other vampires all went uncomfortably silent.

“Wow…” the female vampire uttered. “I can’t believe Ed of all vampires just burned us…”

“Shut up, Sarah,” Steve said in an irritated tone.

“It’s Mahalatha!” Sarah cried.

“Sarah,” James began, “give it up. No one likes your stupid fake name.”

“Mahalatha…” a deep voice called.

James chuckled. “Except those two losers.”

The group looked up as a male and a female vampire, both with serious looks on their faces and old fashioned clothing on their bodies, entered the room.

“… Assemble the others,” the male vampire continued.

Sarah looked over the room. “Uh… We’re assembled, head advisors… There’s just the four of us, remember?”

The two advisors turned and away from the group and spoke in hushed tones for a moment.

Ed sighed. “I can’t believe how often those two do that… They look like such dorks.”

Steve nodded. “They’re actually uncooler than you!”

“Thanks!” Ed replied cheerfully. He frowned as he thought about Steve’s word for a moment. “Hey!” he protested.

“Silence!” the female advisor commanded. “We will travel to the surface world!”

Sarah narrowed her eyes. “You mean outside? We’re already on the ground level.”

“Silence!” The male advisor commanded. “We are to travel to the blood bank in Burbank to replenish our supplies.”

James frowned. “Wait, what’s wrong with the blood bank that’s just a mile away?”

“Silence!” The female advisor commanded. She frowned then turned to the male advisor. “Wait… What is wrong with the local blood bank?”

“A security guard pepper-sprayed my face the last time we were there,” the male advisor answered. “It was most unpleasant.”

The other vampires all went silent as the grave.

Ed sighed. “Worst… vampires… ever…”

-ooooooo-

Just wrapping up a few loose ends before we get started with the next arc.