Chapter 1: The Puns Are Terri... Mare... Hay... Mane... Hoof... Whatever
“Hey, Bon Bon, c’mere!”
“For the last time, Lyra, I’m not interested in buying any timeshares or giving bits to some foreign Neigherian prince!”
“It’s not that this time!”
A groan echoed down the hall, followed by agitated trotting of hooves as Bon Bon arrived at Lyra’s door. “If this is you showing me some porn again, I’m leaving,” Bon Bon said, entering Lyra’s room.
Lyra pushed off from her desk with her swivel chair, Bon Bon grimacing at the odd way she sat. Right on her back, which looked so unnatural that Bon Bon was still mystified at how Lyra hadn’t broken it yet.
“Guess what I just found out!” Lyra said, pointing a hoof at her Big Macbook which had a page of the hoofnet open.
“That spending all day at your mareputer is bad for your health?” Bon Bon guessed, raising a brow, unamused.
Lyra shook her head, mint green and white locks of her mane flying wildly. “No, it’s about us this time!”
“What about us?” Bon Bon asked, the cream earth pony looking over her unicorn companion’s shoulder to get a better look at the screen.
“That we’re a couple!”
Bon Bon’s eyes widened and pupils shrunk, her lips puckered up in shock. “... S-say what n-now?” she stammered, left eye twitching slightly.
Lyra used her mouse and scrolled down the screen, showing off picture after saucy, raunchy, and downright disturbing picture of her and Lyra in rather engaged in rather sexually explicit situations and/or positions.
“Lyra, what did I just tell you before about porn?” Bon Bon yelled, attempting to cover her eyes to hide away the shame and mind anguish of all those images.
“Wait, Bon Bon, stay here!” Lyra begged, scrolling past the images of them. “This is really important!”
“I’d say! Who in their right mind would ever think we’re a couple, much less draw such… such things of the two of us?”
“Bronies,” Lyra answered, switching over to a new tab on Hayfari. This page was filled with words instead, though strangely enough just at a glance Bon Bon noticed her own name and Lyra’s were used quite a bit. Along with some other choice sexual words as well. “And it’s not just drawings they do either.”
“Why are you showing me this and trying to get me mentally scarred for life?” Bon Bon asked, face green with a squeamish disgust. “And better yet, why is it that thousands of strangers know about the two of us and create all these… things?”
“I dunno about the first one, but the second part is obvious.” Lyra turned around her seat to stare eye to eye with Bon Bon, hooves behind her head and perverted grin clear on her face. “They think we’re lesbians.”
“... Seriously? Why would anypony ever think something like that?” Bon Bon demanded, holding back vomit the memory of those images reemerged in her imagination. She’d be needing therapy by the time she was done with talking to Lyra. Wouldn’t have been the first time either.
“Oh, let’s see here…” Lyra began, rolling her hoof in the air. “We’re roommates, we’ve been friends since foalschool, we constantly hang out with one another, you’re too much of a tightass to get a coltfriend and I’m too weird to get one either. So far the odds aren’t looking in our favor.”
Bon Bon was nearly tearing out her mane now. “But… but… but I don’t like mares!”
“Yeah, but the bronies don’t know that.” Lyra turned back around to the screen, gazing oddly with a smirk at the large amount of crudely written smut before her. “From what I have gathered, most seem to be extremely horny teenage males with little to no sexual experience other than porn of a really subpar caliber. Also, they seem to grow beards from their necks and are often times overweight.”
Bon Bon groaned and facehoofed. “And just why did you take the time to figure all that stuff out?”
“Because of double standards.”
“What are you talking about now?” Bon Bon asked, looking around the chair and scowling at Lyra’s perverted stare at the screen.
“I mean, think about it. If two stallions lived together and acted the exact same way we do, almost nopony would think they’re gay.”
“And your point is?”
Lyra threw up her hooves in exasperation. “The only reason they think we’re lesbain for each other is because all these bronies are a bunch of perverts! They can’t perceive two mares being roommates without sexual relations because us just banging each other all the time is just too appealing.” Lyra crossed her hooves over her chest, a slight frown of disgruntlement on face. “But for stallions that’s a no-show because most of these bronies are guys, so they don’t want to admit their repressed homosexuality by drawing or writing two stallions banging each other. So in the end, double standards are applied and we’re shipped together as lesbian lovers over and over and over again!”
“Wow, that’s… oddly deep for you, Lyra,” Bon Bon pointed out, jaw hanging open slightly at the accuracy of Lyra’s claim. “You really thought this out.”
“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe,” Lyra said, scrolling down the screen where more pornographic related medias of the two were on display. “Hours upon hours and even more.”
Bon Bon gulped. “Uh… yeeeeeah, that sounds great, Lyra. I sure did appreciate this little discussion and… viewing we had. We should really never do this again sometime soon.”
The mare turned away from the unicorn, making a hasty retreat for the door. Before Bon Bon could even touch the handle, Lyra’s voice called out, “Hey Bon Bon, I have an idea!”
“Hindsight has shown me that’s usually a bad thing,” Bon Bon muttered quietly, resting her head on the door and squinting her eyes shut. “What is it, Lyra?”
Swiveling around, Lyra was eagerly rubbing her hooves together in perverse glee. “We should totally film ourselves a sex video of the two of us!”
“... Why? Just… why?” Bon Bon deadpanned, resisting all temptation of slamming her forehead against the door.
“To shove it in all the bronies’ faces!” Lyra explained, smiling deviously at her friend. “We can be totally straight mares, but can also do something really gay just to tease their fat, perverted neckbeard asses! Wouldn’t that be hilarious?”
After a few seconds of silence, Bon Bon slammed the door shut.
Lyra was all alone in her room now, with just a mareputer screen filled to the brim with porn of her and Bon Bon made by strange creatures from another dimension that somehow know about them. Shrugging, Lyra went to some of her favorites she made sure to save and said, “Whelp, might as well as make sure this doesn’t go to waste.”
