Mayor Mare is too old for this Mayorship.

by Einhander

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Dark, Mayor Mare, Other, Comedy, Random
Length: 4937

Twilight has created Citizen Speak Up Day, where anypony can come and tell the Mayor their problems. Mayor Mare has responded the only way she knows how- booze.

Some lavender alicorn princess had the bright idea to create a holiday where anypony could come and tell their concerns to Mayor Mare. Any pony. Without an appointment. All day.

Mayor Mare almost made it through the inaugural one without snapping. Or drinking. Or plotting murder.

Until the last appointment...

This is the story of the first, last and only Ponyville Citizen Speak Up Day.

The title was inspired by Lethal Weapon and Cola Bubble Gum. The story was written out of an attempt to kill writer's block.

Rated teen for alcohol use and (likely) future swearing.

UPDATE: Briefly seen in the side box. Hooray.

UPDATE 2: New and improved, with ColgateTM!

Published 2013-09-19 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-12 04:58:33 UTC

In which Cranky Doodle doesn't shut up and Mayor Mare finds a bottle...

MAYOR MARE IS TOO OLD FOR THIS MAYORSHIP

By Einhander

Part One: In which Cranky Doodle doesn't shut up and Mayor Mare finds a bottle....

Time stood still in the town hall of Ponyville.

In her office, Mayor Mare stared at the citizen in front of her with a frozen grin. It was her second to last meeting of the day. It was supposed to only last five minutes. Ten, tops.

But her assistants had been called out of the room, and she was left on her own with one of the top talkers in Ponyville. One of the top complainers, anyway.

Cranky Doodle Donkey had walked into her office forty seven minutes ago.

And for forty-six minutes he had just… Not Shut. Up.

“So I says to Matilda I says…”

Mayor Mare stared at Cranky as he kept talking. Talking. And talking. He sat sprawled in the visitor’s chair, chewing gum and spitting (or was it drooling?) all over her chair and desk. It would be undignified pose for any pony, or donkey, or zebra, or really just any creature that had any self respect. The fact that he had a decaying off-black hair piece on top of his head helped nothing.

“…a good piece of pie, that goes for about three bits these days, that’s three times as many bits as I should be paying for pie, I tell ya…”

The hair piece. It bobbed up and down as he spoke. Many a pony had called the hair piece on top of his mug a dead cat, but Mayor Mare knew better. It wasn’t a dead cat. That was an insult to dead cats everywhere. She knew some cats, nice cats, that had died, and they would horrified at the comparison.

It did smell like a dead cat, but that was neither here nor there.

“But then you’re gonna what your ice cream. And what’s that gonna cost ya? Those Cakes are running a racket, I tell ya. Extra bits for frozen milk sugar water! Outrageous. Hey, you want any?”

He was offering his ‘gum’. She shook her head, a polite ‘no’. He shrugged. “Your loss. Finest tobacco in the region.”

The Mayor’s eyes went wide. Oh sweet Celestia no no no. Not tobacco juice. Not on-

Her eyes immediately went to the landing sites of his spittle. The prized mahogany desk. The upholstered chair. The handkerchief that Princess Luna had left behind when she was crying during Nightmare Night that the Mayor has discreetly hidden away, which was not creepy at all and in fact a tribute to the co-ruler of the land, that she had foolishly lent to Cranky… All of it. Covered in spit. Not just spit. Tobacco spit. The entire office would have to be quarantined and scrubbed. The handkerchief would need to be bleached, if it could be salvaged at all.

“And what’s the deal with sprinkles these days? They’re all the colors of the rainbow! When I was a young jack, chocolate was good enough for us!”

She considered what, exactly, the consequences would be if she threw the small Twilight alicorn statue on her desk right at his big fat head.

“I tell you, you just want a dessert, right? Just an old fashioned slice of pony-made pie. With free ice cream. And jimmies. For one bit, like they used to charge. And then you go to Sugarcube corner, and they give you this stuff, I swear they must have some funny ideas up in Canterlot…”

It would be a crime, for starters. Assault? Battery for sure. Although it would be her word against his, and she was a well respected public figure, and he was a well known crank. But certainly, there would be a scandal. Followed by an investigation. Outcry. Probably resignation. At the very least censure, and checking into a rehab facility. Not that she had a drinking problem. Not anymore.

But if meant this donkey would stop talking, she was willing to relapse.

“Hah! Canterlot, home of the best and brightest! You know, they got this prince up there, Blueblood, and this Princess, Cahooza, and riddle me this, Mayor- who are they related to? Not Celestia! She ain’t had no foals! And Luna just got outta the moon slammer, which don’t even get me started on that.”

Unless of course, if the paperweight went deep enough into his head…and he would probably be severely injured. Or dead.

On the other hoof- he would STOP TALKING.

“I’m being serious now, we got Princes and Princesses coming out our flanks, but who’s watching the money? Follow the money, you’ll find what’s what. Why, was I surprised to find that Twilight Sparkle, I’m sorry, Princess Twilight Sparkle, now an alicorn, was Celestia’s private student? Was I surprised to find that Cahooza, before she was Mi Amooza, was Twilight’s babysitter? AND Cahooza’s Celestia’s niece? Well tell me this, whose the father? Where’s the mother? I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.”

Mayor Mare pondered the logistics of disposing of a dead body from her office. It would not be easy. Her assistants would know a donkey and a pony went in, and only a pony came out. But even if she could solve that problem, and she probably could with an order to go pick up something, how to get the body out of the office? She glanced at her window. It was only the second floor, a pony (or donkey) could survive that fall. Easy. No worries. But how to get a body out the window, onto the ground, and out of the city limits without anyone seeing? That would be a humdinger.

She would also need a shovel.

“And another thing. I think I should be grandfathered into the no tax provision. I’m aware I’m not a grandfather, but that’s just discrimination, if you ask me. And I’ve read your political party’s manifesto, mayor, and I strongly considered voting for you because of that anti-discrimination plank in your platform. Don’t make me take back that consideration.”

She blinked and shook her head. Her mind had gone to some very not good places. Plotting the murder and disposal of one of her annoying, but very innocent, citizens! How had it come to this?

“I was telling Twilight the other day, when she reminded me about Citizen Speak Up Day! I said to her-“

The Mayor’s eyes lit up with the fire of a thousand suns. She glanced at the statue on her desk.

Twilight Sparkle.

That meddling unicorn… alicorn…. Princess! Cock of the walk, flapper of wings and meddling of meddles! This was all her fault! Everything was fine in this many-horse town until that lavender terror showed up. True, she had done some good stuff… saving the world, organizing Winter Wrap Up, if you wanted to get technical about it.

But for every tri-color vest she had been awarded, there had been legendary screw ups. The Parasprite incident. That time the enchanted doll had driven the entire town mad. When she claimed her future self appeared to warn her about herself. When she had incurred the wrath of that travelling blue unicorn, what was her name, Twixie? And then she came back with that damn alicorn amulet and had gone buck wild.

And then Princess Twilight had the hooves to suggest ‘Citizen Speak Up Day.’ A day for any citizen to voice their concerns to the Mayor. Wonderful in theory, the Mayor thought.

Until she realized it meant that she, the Mayor, had to sit and listen to what they, the ponies had to say. The entire day. And this was just the first one of these. From now on, for one day a year, all the crazies would come out to play.

Twilight Sparkle, I am going to kill you.

“So that’s why, Mayor Mare, I demand you-“

“YES!” screamed the Mayor. “YES PLEASE SWEET ZOMBIE CELESTIA YES TELL ME WHAT DO YOU WANT, WHAT, FOR THE LOVE OF-“

After the outburst, there was a sudden calm. Cranky’s eyes were wide, his hairpiece had stopped wobbling and his jaw was dropped.

The Mayor cleared her throat.

“Mr. Donkey, we’ve been at this for… oh… fifty minutes now. What is it, exactly, that you want?”

Cranky coughed. “Er… I need a new parking permit for my cart.”

She stared at him.

Cranky was no coward. But when he saw the Mayor’s eyes twitch, he suddenly knew fear. “And I’d really appreciate it, ma’am. Sir. Um.”

“Of… course….” She said through gritted teeth. “Just… ask for an R-36 form on the way out.”

“R…”

“Thirty-six.”

“Thank you, uh, Mayor.” He tried to demurely spit up into the handkerchief, and succeeded in half his mission. He offered it to back to her.

“No. You keep that.”

Cranky nodded and hurried out, trying to put as much distance between himself and her stare as possible. The door shut behind him, and she breathed out a huge sigh.

Mayor Mare stared back up at the clock. Five minutes to go. That’s all that was left in the day. Then it would be over. Thank Celes-

“Excuse me, Mayor?” Senior Mint, a young stallion with a brown coat and black mane, poked his head in. “I’m so sorry, there’s just one more left…”

The Mayor groaned.

“I can tell her you’ve gone for the day?”

“No, no,” She shook her head. “It’s fine. It’s what I’m here for.”

Her assistant nodded. “I’ll send her in.”

“Who is it?”

“Twilight Sparkle?” There was a pause. “Sorry, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“Y-yes.” Her eye was twitching again “Did she say what about?”

“She said she has some suggestions on how to improve the town?”

A pause.

“She’s got charts and everything. And an easel. Looks like a big to do.”

The Mayor stared at Senior Mint, then out the window. “Give me five minutes.”

He nodded and shut the door.

The sun had set, and now Luna’s stars filled the sky. The Mayor looked at them longingly.

It’s just one meeting with Twilight. You don’t have to agree to anything. You don’t have to do anything at all. Just...

She picked up the alicorn statue, and slammed it into her desk. Her beautiful desk now covered in tobacco spit. She kept slamming it until it was nothing but broken pieces of wood.

The bottom drawer opened.

A bottle rolled out.

It went clink.

She stared at it. She stared at the door to her office, with that lavender alicorn on the other side. She stared at the window. Then back at the bottle.

It was Jameshoof blended whiskey. Her emergency reserve.

Just a sniff of it was like Hearts Warming Eve. Just a sniff…

Twilight paced in the reception area. Her charts were all primed and ready to go, along with copies of her reports and several visual aids. She was ready. She could do this. She just… needed permission to enter the room.

Mayor Mare’s assistant was quietly completing paperwork.

“Are you sure I can’t go in yet?”

“The mayor said she’d be ready for you in a few minutes.”

Twilight frowned. “How long has it been?”

“Not five minutes.”

“I thought I heard something breaking in there?”

“I’m sure the Mayor would have paged me if she needed something.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and went back to pacing. If only she had mastered that time travel spell, then she’d never have to wait for anything again.

Both ponies jumped at the sound of a glass breaking, followed by a thud. Twilight stared at the assistant, who was staring at the door.

“What was that?”

“Um… excuse me,” said Senior Mint, standing up and rushing to the door. He paused and turned to Twilight. “Wait here.”

He ducked into the mayor’s office. Twilight watched with concern, her speech to convince the mayor to build a second library evaporating in her head.

There was a scream from the Mayor’s office. Twilight rushed in. She found the Senior Mint on the ground, crying, clutching pieces of broken glass. The room smelled of booze. The window was wide open, and a cold breeze was blowing in.

“Oh no, not again!” wailed the assistant.

“What? What’s going on? Where’s the Mayor?”

Senior Mint looked at her through his tears. “The Mayor has… gone rogue.”

Twilight gasped, then blinked. “I actually don’t know what that means.”

“It means,” said the assistant with a sudden solemnity, “She has fallen off the wagon. “

“How much did she have?”

The assistant held up the fragment of the bottle. “This was full five minutes ago.”

“Oh.” said Twilight.

“Yes. ‘Oh.’” He shook his head.

The wind was picking up outside.They looked out the window.

Twilight cleared her throat, “She’ll be alright, I’m sure?”

In the distance, they heard the sound of glass breaking, and ponies fighting. And older mare’s voice could be heard above the din, screaming something to the effect of inquiring whether the other pony thought he or she was better than her.

Then there was the sound of more glass breaking and swearing.

Senior Mint shook his head, “Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.”

In which Twilight has a plan and Colgate gets a new drinking buddy...

MAYOR MARE IS TOO OLD FOR THIS MAYORSHIP
by Einhander

Chapter Two: In which Twilight has a plan, and Colgate gets a new drinking buddy...

Twilight Sparkle was in crisis mode. She felt fine. She was calm. This was her element. Not her actual Element, that was magic, of course. But still, she was in the zone (as Rarity called it), and now that Ponyville’s leader was MIA and TUI (Trotting Under the Influence), it was time for her inner Princess to rally.

First, she had to address the troops. Or in her case, troop. Senior Mint was eying her warily.

“Now, Mr. Mint, the first and most important thing is this: don’t panic.”

There was a silence.

Senior Mint coughed. “I would feel less panicked… if you would get off the ceiling.”

Twilight’s eye twitched. She raised her head, which from Senior Mint’s perspective, was Twilight looking down. Her horn was glowing, and somehow her magic allowed her to stand on the ceiling. She had been there since the full enormity of the situation had descended upon both of them: namely, that the mayor was on an epic drunken bender, and any minute now the whole town was going to realize this when Mayor Mare came crashing through their window.

They had both dealt with the situation in their own ways. Mint started to panic. Twilight simply reversed her gravity, and had been pacing up and down the ceiling with flow charts that were not as cooperative as her hooves. Mint had to duck out of the way of several falling markers and large sheets of paper.

Now, Twilight’s attention and crazy eyes had been diverted from their earlier tasks, and were focused squarely on him.

“To solve a problem like this, Mr. Mint, you have to think outside the box.”

“Princess, this is an office.” He looked around the Mayor’s office. “Furthermore, it’s an oval. And we’re no closer to finding the Mayor.”

“Hey!” Twilight fell from the ceiling, spun in midair and somehow landed right side up. She got up in Mint’s muzzle and started poking him with her hoof. “I have EVERYTHING under control. I’ve got a five point crisis plan that will be safely return the mayor before sunrise.”

Mint shook his head. “It’ll be too late, Ma’am.”

Twilight hesitated. “Late for what?”

He sighed. “Twilight, did you actually READ the fine print of Citizen Speak Up Day? If Mayor Mare hasn’t issued a proclamation before midnight, tonight, on how to address all of the citizen’s concerns, then there is an immediate special election called, where she is not allowed to run for office.”

Twilight’s face scrunched up like a prune. “Who wrote this stupid-” Her voice died as she looked into Senior Mint’s tired face. “Oh, crud. I did, didn’t I?”

“Verily.” he coughed. “You did.”

“Okay, okay. Okay, I... Okay.” Twilight paced. “I can fix this. I can fix all of this. We just need to get her back here to issue a proclamation. No problem.” She put a hoof to her chin, thoughtfully. “If I were a depressed, angry, recently off the wagon, Mayor, where would I go?”

Senior Mint looked out the broken window as the lights of the town came on one by one.

Specifically the lights of the various bars, taverns and cider sellers.

“Where indeed.”

Colgate had a dream. It wasn’t a secret dream, because if you got two glasses of wine in her, she’d tell you what it was. She’d whisper it, loud enough for the whole room to hear.

But it was her dream, nonetheless. And she’d lean over to your ear and say…

“I wanna be a writer.”

True, she made her bits as a dentist. But that was her profession, not her passion. In her heart of hearts, if she had all the time in the world, she knew it was a writer’s life for she. Colgate wanted to tell stories, epic yarns and heartwarming (or breaking, whichever) dramas that would make her readers weep. And laugh. And beg for more. And most importantly, pay for the next chapter. It would be a wonderful endless cycle. However, she hadn’t quite started yet. She believed all authors had to live their stories before they could write them. Conjuring up adventures was for ponies who were too scared to live.

Currently, she was living her next magnum opus: Where the Wine Went, a Story of a Tuesday.

She was also drunk. Because it was Tuesday.

The maya and periwinkle blue unicorn was slumped over the bar, over a third of the way into a terrific bender. She magically rose her glass to her lips, only to find it empty. “Barkeep, another!” she shouted. “Let’s get this party started!”

There was a resounding silence, finally broken by a sigh. Berry Punch ducked underneath the counter and fished out a new bottle of Pinot Noir. She placed it on the counter and stared Colgate down.

“Are you sure you want another one, Colgate?”

The unicorn stared at her, blinking heavily. “Is Fluttershy… shy?”

Berry Punch rolled her eyes and opened the bottle. Wine met glass, which always sounded to Colgate like a pony using the little filly’s room, and she started giggling. Berry Punch gave her a look, but kept pouring until the glass was full. Then she poured herself a glass. It was a bad idea, but she had long decided to write the night off as an excuse for bad ideas. It’s not like there was anypony else to serve.

Pony Up was a great name for a bar, but Ponyville, Berry would learn too late, was a terrible town to be a barkeep in. Still, business was business.

“Salud.” Berry said, raising her glass.

“Gesundheit!” Colgate cheerfully replied, clinking the glass and then downing half of it.

“Easy, easy Colgate! Jeez. You’d think we were running out or something.”

Colgate gaped. “Is the wine gone IS THE WINE GONE oh please Celestia say there’s still some left… “

“Of course there’s wine left, it’s a bar, for cryin’ out loud…” Berry Punch sighed. “Shouldn’t you go home? Most ponies work on Wednesday.”

Colgate rested her head on her hooves. “If you spent most of your time reaching down other pony’s throats, and pulling out oats that they would have gotten rid of with proper flossing…” She drank the rest of her glass in another gulp. “...you wouldn’t be too excited about going home either.”

Sneaking a glance at her customer’s cutie mark, Berry smirked. “Last time I checked your flank, my dear, you being a dentist was a choice, not your destiny. Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, measuring time or something?”

There was a gleam in Colgate’s eye. Using her magic, she lifted the her empty wine glass and turned it upside down. “I am aware of every moment in every hour of every day of every year.” A single drop of wine made its way down the curve of the glass, perching on the lip. “And I can feel all of it passing, full of opportunity, and being wasted by pretty much everypony.” After a few seconds, the wine drop jumped and made a mad dash for the ground. It was intercepted by Colgate’s tongue, which darted out like a snake and swallowed it whole. Closing her eyes, savoring the small taste, she murmured, “You might well imagine, it gets really bucking depressing.” She leaned back, stretching herself out. “That’s why I d-”

Berry Punch would have liked to spare no expense in building her tavern, but times being what they were, she had to opt for the bar stools without proper backs. And this is why Colgate’s eyes flew open right before she fell straight back and landed on her flank. The shock broke her concetration, and her floating glass dropped and shattered on the bar counter.

The pieces went everywhere, almost in slow motion, falling over the counter and onto the ground on both sides of the bar. Berry watched them impassively, doing the mental calculation of how many glasses the shoddy stools had cost her. She then re-calculated, realizing that it wasn’t the stools, necessarily, it was Colgate herself who kept breaking her glasses.

Colgate hiccuped. “Wh...what happened?”

“You, madam, are drunk as a skunk. And right now all you’re achieving is annoying the buck out of me, and breaking my stuff.” She corked the bottle of wine. “You’re cut off.”

“No!” Colgate yipped, then tried to calm herself. “I mean, Berry, my friend, there’s no need to rush to conclusions. Or decisions about serving alcohol. I’m fine.” Colgate stood, trying to balance herself. “See? I can drive.”

“Drive?” Berry arched an eyebrow. “Drive what?”

Colgate’s determination melted as she stared into the distance. “My life.”

The words were only deepening the riddle. Berry leaned her head to one side. “Drive it where, exactly?”

An awful silence filled the room.

“If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here.” Colgate slumped back onto the barstool.

Berry Punch was a grump, but not a sadist. She sighed, and pulled out another wine glass. “Just one more, alright? Then you’re out-”

The front doors kicked open, and a pony appeared. Berry Punch gasped. The silhouette. The posture. The voice. It couldn’t be any other pony.

“I have come to drink booze and kick flank!” roared the mare. “And I am all out of booze!”

“Oh horsefeathers…” muttered Berry Punch. “It’s Mayor Mare!”

It was indeed, Ms. Mayor Mare. “I hear tell a rumor that you, madam, have the booze.” She staggered over to the bar counter. “I shall have a round.” Mayor Mare looked around the bar, seeing Colgate staring at her from her bar stool, eyes blinking heavily. “In fact, a round for everypony at this bar.”

“Thank you, you’re too kind.” Colgate slurred, picking up her new glass and holding it out.

“Um… Sure.” Berry Punch kept her head pointed at the counter and away from the Mayor, a nervous smile on her face, trying not to be too obvious as she glanced at the back door. “I’d be happy to, Ms. Mayor…”

“Barkeep!” Mayor Mare stared at her and she flinched. “If a special election was held tomorrow, would you vote for me?”

Berry grinned the grin of the damned. “Surrrreee, I would.”

The Mayor glared at her, then turned to Colgate. “What say you, citizen? Can we trust her?”

“Who are you again?” asked Colgate, trying not to hiccup.

“The name’s Mare. Mayor Mare. I run this town.” She squinted. “At least, I used to. What time is it?” She glanced at the clock. “I run this town for the next three hours, and then, I retire. What about you?

“Ohhhhh right, I’m Colgate, your dentist.” Her eyelids were see-sawing. “I also drink.”

“Good, I like you already." She wrapped a hoof around Colgate's shoulder. "Citizen Colgate, can I ask you a question?"

“Sure,” she slurred. “Hit me with your best shot.”

“Citizen Colgate, this mare-” she pointed in the vague direction of Berry Punch, who had finished pouring the two glasses of wine. “-this mare says she would vote for me tomorrow. But I’m not sure if she speaks truthiness, despite my electoral instinct. What say you?”

Colgate leaned forward and sniffed at Berry Punch. “I dunno.” She narrowed her eyes, inhaling and exhaling loudly. “She smells honest. But, I just don’t know.”

Berry retained enough of her self worth to glare at Colgate. “Don’t you sniff me.”

“Citizen Barkeep! I sense you’re withholding the truth. Would you vote for me?”

“Look, I would, if I could, but I can’t, so I’m not.”

“Why?!” Mayor Mare pounded the table top, leaning over to the side. “Because you don’t like my policies?”

Berry Punch looked away, sheepishly. “Convicted felon.”

Colgate gasped. “Oh, Berry. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

The Mayor nodded solemnly, raising her glass. “Voting Rights in Equestria are a complicated matter. Very well, small business owner. I toast to your economic develop- PBBBTTTTTTTTTTTT!”

The wine went all over Berry Punch’s face. Fortunately, she was an experienced barkeep (and felon), and knew when to shut her eyes in protection. It wasn’t the first time another pony had spit all over her face.

“What… is this?!” The Mayor roared, slamming the glass on top of the bar counter.

“It was a perfectly fine Pinor Noir.” Berry Punch wiped her face, grimacing. “May it rest in piece.”

“Why would you serve this in a bar that has whiskey?” The Mayor asked, genuinely curious. She studied her reflection in the curve of the glass, cut off by the little wine that was left in it.

“I like it, I mean,” Colgate sipped hers, “I’ve been drinking it. You know. Wine.”

Mayor Mare shook her head. “Just give me all the Jameshoof you have.”

Berry Punch finally relaxed. This was her chance. “Right away, May-”

“Wait. I fear what you heard was ‘give me a lot of Jameshoof.’ What I said was...” She grabbed Berry and held her close. “… give me ALL the Jameshoof you have. Do you understand?”

Berry Punch swallowed, and nodded slowly. Her hooves were shaking. “Um… this is the only bottle I have now. I’ll just pour-” She stopped, feeling the glare of the Mayor’s stare. “-I’ll just leave this for you and go get another.”

“Five stars. You will go far in your chosen profession. You have my leave.”

Berry Punch smiled and ran out the front door, stopping only to grab a small unmarked tube that was hidden by the door.

There was a silence. Mayor Mare uncorked her whiskey bottle and took a swig.

“You gonna drink that?” Colgate asked, eying the Mayor’s glass.

“Citizen, would YOU vote for me if there was an election held tomorrow?”

“Actually, I can’t vote either.”

The Mayor sighed. “Also a felon?”

Colgate shook her head. “Interdimensional being on interstellar quest. I don’t believe in election fraud.”

The Mayor nodded. “I wondered why you were a dentist with a completely unrelated cutie mark.”

Colgate sighed. “The universe is a cruel place.”

Mayor Mare held out her bottle. “To failure.”

Glass met bottle with a clink. “To failure!” Colgate crowed.

“I like you, dentist slash interstellar traveller.”

“What I really want to do…” Colgate whispered loudly. “Is write.”

The Mayor took another swig. “How would you like to write my story?”

“What story is that?”

Mayor Mare squinted and held her hooves out, framing the bottles in front of them. “‘The story of how Mayor Mare burned her career to the ground.’”

Colgate squinted. “Needs a better titl-”

There was a bright flash outside the doors of the bar, followed by a loud bang.

“You see, Mayor Mare always knew she might relapse one day. That’s why she had a failsafe built in.” Senior Mint gestured out at Ponyville. “In order to have a liquor license in this town, you have to have an alert system set up in case the Mayor shows up demanding alcohol.”

“What kind of alert sys-”

Suddenly, there was a burst of light in the night sky, followed by a loud explosion.

Mint coughed. “THAT kind of alert system. Looks like our Mayor has gone to…”

The neon sign in the distance was in disrepair, spelling out only P _ N _ _ P B _ R. However, a small amount of mental energy could generate the answer to the riddle.

“Berry Punch’s place?” Twilight was puzzled. “I thought that burned down in that fire last year.”

“Half of it did. The other half is, unfortunately, still open for business…”

Colgate quickly turned around in her stool. “What’s th-” It came a bit too quickly as she fell off the stool again.

“Cheese it!” The Mayor shouted. “It’s the fuzz!”

She grabbed the Jameshoof and ran out the back door.

“Who in the what now?” muttered Colgate.

“There’s no time!” Shouted the Mayor, who suddenly appeared behind Colgate, picked
her up and ran out the back door again.

As she was carried out, Colgate rambled, “Do we even HAVE cops in this town…?”

Author's Note

Don't ask me where this story comes from, I really don't know.