Turnips in the Moonlight

by Bootsy Slickmane

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Princess Luna
Length: 2137

A chance encounter with Hayseed Turnip Truck sends Princess Luna hooves-over-head.

Princess Luna has long prided herself on her ability to adhere to the high standards of her royal status. When she meets a certain uncouth country pony, however, she finds that love truly is blind. But will Hayseed feel the same way?

Published 2013-10-20 19:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-20 19:20:02 UTC

All It Took was Just One Look

The Princess of the Night sighed heavily, writing her signature on yet another piece of paper. She slipped it into the outbox on her desk and pulled over another paper. This one was something about parking tickets. Her eyes glazed over and her mind began to wander.

Sometimes, she found herself wishing she were back on the moon. At least there wasn't any paperwork up there. No petitions, or bills, or, well, anything. Just rocks. Lots and lots of rocks. Sometimes she would build forts out of the rocks. Sometimes she would see how far she could throw them. Sometimes she tasted them, though she didn't tell anypony about that. It was boring, yes, but at least it didn't have paperwork.

Princess Luna's ears perked up as a quiet and low-pitched squeaking sound reached them. She looked around, but the source wasn't within sight. She was about to ignore the noise when it came again. She pushed herself up and away from the desk, walking toward her office door to find the reason for the squeaking. She paused just inside the hallway, listening and waiting. As soon as the squeaking came again, she was off.

She followed the noises around a corner, slowing as the source came into view. There, hanging just outside a window, was a tan-coated Earth Pony with a bucket around his neck and a mop held in his buck teeth. His shabby green cap was askew, his shirt was absolutely covered in a wild spectrum of Earth tone stains, and Luna was fairly certain that the window was actually getting dirtier as he squeaked his mop across it. And then, to top off the sight that greeted her eyes, the brown-maned pony started singing an unmistakably-folksy song about raising barns.

He was so uncouth that Luna was stunned, rooted to the spot and unable to look away. His speech was a vitriolic insult to grammar and diction. His accent would certainly send anypony in Canterlot heading for the hills or plugging their ears. He had an appearance that could easily be likened to that of a squirrel that had been sucked into an industrial fan and then splattered with mud and melted foodstuffs. He was dirty, loud, and unkempt.

Princess Luna had never been so turned on.

She brought a hoof up to her mouth to stifle a gasp as the pony's focus moved from his mop to the hallway past the window. He smiled brightly at the Princess and waved a hoof at her. His balance thrown off, the pony swung forward and dunked his own face into his soapy bucket. He then slipped out of his harness entirely and fell from sight.

Luna rushed to the window, pushing it open and leaning out to check on the stallion. She noted the three turnips on his flank as he was getting up and a shaking the water out of his mane. He turned his head skyward and waved at Princess Luna again before picking up his bucket and mop. Luna watched breathlessly until he had trotted out of sight.

Less than a minute later and Luna was bursting into the office of one of her aides, sending the white pony clean off his seat in surprise. "Winter Sheen!" Luna shouted, "Who is the magnificent stallion who cleans the palace windows?"

Winter wiped at the spilled ink on his desk, replying, "You'll have to be more specific, I'm afraid. Our cleaning staff is quite substantial, you know."

Luna leaned against the doorway, closing her eyes as she recalled every detail of her brief encounter with the pony. "His coat was the color of weathered parchment. His mane, freshly-tilled soil. Eyes like the perfect cup of coffee, with just the right amount of cream. Three turnips adorned his glorious flank."

"Um... I'm thinking that you're referring to Mr. Turnip Truck. Give me a second to find his file."

Luna breathed deeply, trying to calm herself as the white pony went through a cabinet of papers.

"Ah, here we are. Hayseed Turnip Truck. Been working with the palace custodial staff for a few months now. It says here he used to—"

Princess Luna snatched away the paper in her magic and turned it over to press it against his desk. "Do not spoil it, Winter Sheen! This is somepony who's details I must discover of my own accord. What I need you to do is send the stallion to my quarters at seven o'clock tonight. Inform him that I have something that needs... cleaning." With that, Luna skipped away down the corridor. Winter looked down sorrowfully at the paper that was now soaking up what was left of the spilled ink and groaned.

The Princess of the Night watched as the clock struck seven. She had been giddy as a school filly only a few hours before, but now her nerves were tungsten. She'd instructed her grooming specialists carefully, cleansing and combing her coat until she literally sparkled. Her mane wasn't really an issue, being essentially a physical manifestation of her immense magical power, but she'd spent some of her time and focus on making it extra starry anyway.

The clock struck 7:01. Princess Luna stood and waited, staring at her bedroom door as her mane wafted in a breeze that wasn't there.

7:02

7:03

7:34

Luna was starting the get a little impatient as the eight o'clock mark drew near. If you can endure a thousand years on the moon, you can endure this, she reminded herself. Honestly, though, what could be taking him so long?

The door finally swung open at 8:04, and the pony of her dreams backed into the room. He pulled in a cart of cleaning supplies with his skewed teeth. His eyes moved to gaze about the room, taking in the elegant decor. "Golly, I never been in here before! Oh, hey there, Princess!"

"Greetings, Hayseed Turnip Truck." She couldn't help but notice that he didn't bow to her or anything, and she found it most refreshing to find somepony who didn't seem to care about all the pomp and formality that pervaded the palace grounds and even most of Canterlot.

"Sorry I'm late," he said, "but I got some real bad diarrhea just b'fore I was s'posed to come up here. I think I drank too much soap when I got my head stuck in my soap bucket. I was sprayin' like a garden hose, I tell you what." The Princess of the Night had to suppress a gag at the imagery his tale brought to mind. "Took forever to get cleaned up, but that's what I'm here for. So, ya got sumthin' dirty for me?"

"Yes, I most certainly do," she replied with a mischievous smile, moving closer to the stallion. "But first, why don't you join me for some refreshments, hmm? I am sure you could do with a little refrain from your duties." She gestured a hoof toward a pair of seats on either side of a little table.

"Golly, Princess, that'd be real nice." He trotted casually over to the table and had a seat, regarding the tray of snacks with enthusiasm.

He was already digging in before Luna had even reached the table, let alone sat down and declared that their dinner had begun. The severe breach in etiquette only strengthened the feeling in her heart that this pony was the complete opposite of everything she'd been groomed to be. She was prim and proper, and he was anything but. Somewhere, deep inside, some part of her longed to be the carefree and unrestrained mare she once was. Perhaps, through this stallion, she could recapture those old memories for at least a few hours.

For a time, they ate and drank in quietude, the Princess barely capable of wrenching her gaze from the pony for more than a few seconds at a time. As Luna daintily drank her tea, she was reminded that she hadn't been on a date in over a thousand years when she realized that she wasn't quite sure just what to say. She had seen several documentaries on the subject, but she was fairly certain that the blunt and direct methods presented were not appropriate with ponies that she barely knew. She also wasn't sure that most ponies really used so much profanity while engaged in such expressions of intimacy. It had been a thousand years, though, so she may have been wrong.

Princess Luna spoke up first. "Tell me, Hayseed Turnip Truck, from where do you hail?"

"Oh, you can call me Hayseed. And I'm from Ponyville. It's a pretty little town just south 'a here."

"Yes, I have been to Ponyville. It is a lovely settlement, to be sure. Are you happy living here in Canterlot?" Luna carefully bit down on a cookie.

"You betcha. Canterlot's real shiny and fancy. I do miss Ponyville sometimes, but I go back and visit my family there every few weeks, so it ain't that bad."

"How lovely, Hayseed." Luna was already starting to get bored. Perhaps she should get to the point, as the ponies in the documentaries were so fond of doing. "Have you met anypony special here in the city?"

"Oh yeah!" Princess Luna's heart sank. "I met lots a special ponies here. Like Princess Celestia." Luna cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. "And that white stallion that hired me." Luna's other eyebrow shot up in surprise. "And one day, I cleaned up for the Wonderbolts! Oh, and there was lots of special ponies at the Grand Galloping Gala last year!"

Luna sighed, realizing she hadn't been quite clear enough. She cleared her throat to alert Hayseed that she was about to speak, but he didn't seem to notice and kept rattling off names. She waited ten seconds, then twenty seconds, then a full minute, but he just. Kept. Going. Apparently, eveypony he'd ever met was special.

She quietly cast a little magic toward the window, and soon Hayseed was jolted into silence by the sudden sound of thunder just outside. "Gee, I didn't know there was a storm comin' tonight."

"Oh, there's a storm coming alright." Luna sipped her tea again. "Tell me, Hayseed, do you have a special somepony?"

Hayseed blushed a little, turning his head toward his cleaning supplies. "Oh, uh, no. I ain't exactly been lucky when it comes to meetin' mares. 'Specially pretty ones."

"Perhaps you are more fortunate that you yet realize. In fact, I happen to know somepony who is quite fond of you."

"Huh? You do?"

Luna nodded, her eyelids dropping ever so slightly as she gazed at him over her tea. "I do indeed."

"Is she real pretty?" Hayseed put his hooves up on the table and leaned forward.

Well, that's a bit shallow... and climbing halfway over the table is a severe faux pas, Luna thought suddenly. She tried to ignore it, replying, "You tell me."

Hayseed glanced around the bedroom. "Uh, I don't see anypony."

Luna couldn't help but roll her eyes. She was starting to think this pony's cognitive abilities were a bit on the dull side. "I will give you a hint: she's a princess."

Hayseed gasped, bringing his hooves up to his face and grinning from ear-to-ear. "Oh my gosh, Princess Celestia's got a crush on me?!"

Luna's eyes narrowed at his inaccurate guess. "Try again."

Hayseed looked thoughtful for a moment. "Princess Cadance?"

Luna put down her tea, glaring at the imbecilic stallion across the table. She growled, "One. More. Guess."

Hayseed's expression turned to that of befuddlement, and he raised an eyebrow. "Twilight Sparkle?"

Princess Luna's bedroom door burst open and Hayseed went skidding out across the hall carpet. His cleaning cart followed closely behind, spilling over onto the confused stallion.

Luna slammed the door shut angrily. She didn't know how in the world she could have fallen so hard and so fast for that uncouth and dim-witted bumpkin. What in Tartarus had been wrong with her? She was Equestrian royalty, for pony's sake! It was as if some lunatic had seized her mind for a few hours and caused her to make a complete fool of herself. What could have caused that?

Her eyes suddenly went wide at the sound of mad laughter and then narrowed in anger as the revelation hit her. Her voice shook the very foundations of the castle and sent Hayseed diving for cover just outside the door.

"DISCORD!"

Author's Note

I swear I wasn't on drugs when I wrote this. I was sleep deprived, though.
Also, I mean no offense to janitorial staff. I have a lot of respect for them, actually. Nor do I mean any offense to country folk, southerners, or any other such people.