Chapter 1: They Don't Pay Me Enough For This
“No! You can’t make me!” Discord shouted, digging his claws into the ground.
Twilight grunted, pulling with all her might on Discord’s reptilian tail in a bid to get him unclenched from the earth. “Come on, Discord! Let’s just get this over with!”
“You heartless fiend! Monster! Tyrannical traitor of treachery! Devious derelict of dastardliness!’ Discord screamed a few other choice names at Twilight as she grudgingly dragged him through the streets. Many a pony stared in wonder at the pair; it was quite the sight, seeing a princess drag Discord through the streets as he complained at the top of his lungs. Though, truthfully, it wasn’t the strangest thing the townponies of Ponyvile have seen. “Creepy cretin of… of…”
“Are you quite done with alliterative insults?” Twilight asked, wiping off a bit of sweat.
Discord sat up and tapped his chin for a moment, mulling over his thought. “As soon as I come up with a good one for ‘c’...”
“Will you just act your age for once and stop being a big baby?” Twilight ruffled her feathers and stared dejectedly at Discord’s tail. “I can tell you right now I’m definitely not going to drag you the entire way.”
“Hey now, I haven’t even reached puberty yet!” Discord defended himself, crossing his arms and huffing under his breath. “And you will simply have to force me into that wretched place one way or the other. Since I will most certainly not arrive there of my own free will.”
“Ugh,” Twilight groaned, briefly smacking her face with her hoof in bitter resentment. Her horn flared to light as she engulfed Discord in a field of magic, lifting him unmoving from the ground into the air. “I can’t believe I agreed to do this.”
“Because you love me,” Discord said, stretching back in his comfortable magic seat. Snapping his fingers, a popcorn bag and a glass of aged, vintage chocolate milk appeared next to him.
“Uh, no,” Twilight said, narrowing her eyes as she poofed away the popcorn and chocolate milk. “You are not going to eat any junk food on the way over there.”
“Aww, but mooooooom!”
“No buts, Discord!” Twilight replied, continuing on her path with draconequus in tow due to her magic. “And I am not your mother!”
“You nag like one,” Discord noted, resting his chin in his claw.
“Because, like I already said, you act like a child. For this of all things! An event a foal goes through without any hassle!”
“Well, that’s because foals are demented, heathenous monsters with hearts as cold as their souls,” Discord growled, tightening his open claws into fists. “Truly they are a menace on us and all of society. They must all be rounded up and driven from these lands before they corrupt us all!”
Twilight arched a brow behind herself. “That’s a little… extreme.”
Discord shrugged, returning to his leisurely relaxed position. “Remember, it was foals who freed me in the first place. Who knows what those little abominations can pull off next.”
Walking for a few seconds ignoring his statement, it finally dawned on her. “Wait… didn’t you say you haven’t even reached puberty yet?”
Discord removed his beard, waving the tuft of hair in the air at Twilight. “Yessiree m’am. I just tote with this thing around to look more adult. And to get into bars.”
“Then don’t you technically count as a child?”
“Exactly!” Discord exclaimed, pointing a finger at Twilight’s muzzle. “Don’t you see? Children are the bane of existence. Which is exactly why we should ditch this trip so you can teach my some cliché friendship lesson about appreciating the younger generation. We can even do it in song!”
“Nice try, but no.” Twilight quickened her pace with a disgruntled Discord being forcibly dragged along against his will. “I intend to get this long overdue event done as soon as possible without a hitch.”
“Can we at least stop for ice cream first?”
“No.”
“Can we break out into a song?”
Twilight pursed her lips. “Can you even sing?”
“It’s the thought that counts, right?” Discord asked with wide, innocent and misshapen eyes.
“Well, yes, I suppose…”
Discord clapped his hands together in glee and cleared his throat. “Then let’s get started!”
“Oh wait, we’re here,” Twilight pointed out at the building they had just arrived in front of.
Discord sulked in Twilight’s magical grasp and stared dejectedly at his imposing doom. A typical office building, recently built in the small town. Boring and professional looking, Discord normally wouldn’t be caught dead going into such a place. Even if he was undead, there’d be numerous other places he’d drag his rotten corpse off to instead of here.
“Do I really have to go in there?” Discord asked. The doors were the only defense against him and the intimidating conditions he was sure to meet inside. That wasn’t even bringing to light the horrors he was sure to face within its walls. Terrifying frights and sights of unimaginably terrifying proportions that would make a lesser being cower in fear.
“Yes, Discord, you really have to…” Twilight gave a sideways glance at Discord. “Are you cowering?”
“What? No!” Discord defended himself, eyes shifting from side to side. “I’m just… cold is all.”
“It’s summer,” Twilight pointed out.
Discord snapped his fingers, resulting in a sudden snowfall covering the nearby area in about six feet of fluffy snow. “Yes, and these crazy weather conditions are just horrible, aren’t they?” Discord said, shivering in the cold and blowing on his hands. “We should probably head back to the library to heat up, am I right?”
Twilight opened her eyes, the alicorn now a snowpony complete with a carrot nose, top hat and scarf. Shaking her head to dislodge the snow, she said, “No way. You’re going in there, and that’s final.”
Discord grumbled under his breath and trudged through the snow to the front entrance, opening the door with a ring. “So much for the holiday spirit,” Discord muttered, heading in with Twilight close at his heels, shaking off more snow from her coat.
The duo entered the exact image of Discord’s nightmares for over a thousand years. A waiting room. One with a horrid wallpaper of polka dots no less.
The receptionist at the counter looked up at the pair and smiled. "Hello. How may I help you?" the pink unicorn mare asked.
"We're here for an appointment," Twilight said, pointing to a frowning Discord behind her. "For Discord."
"Ah, Mister Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony," the receptionist said, checking his name off her list. "You'll have to wait about five more minutes, if that isn't a bother."
“Not at all,” Twilight cut in before Discord could rudely object. “We’ll just wait then.”
“Waiting in a waiting room,” Discord grumbled, slumping into an uncomfortable chair near the back wall. “How original.”
“No need to be snarky, Discord,” Twilight said, sitting down next to the disgruntled draconequus. Grabbing an extremely old magazine from a table nearby, she flipped through a couple of pages. “You just have to be patient. This will be over before you know it.”
Discord mimicked Twilight’s talking, with his hand acting as her mouth while he mimicked her words with his tongue sticking out. A harsh glare from Twilight made him quickly quit his mocking and just slink lower into his seat with his arms crossed.
Sighing, staring at the clock as the seconds passed by at a tedious pace, and sighing again, Discord had reached the threshold of boredom and fallen through into the black pit of nothingness that was his attention span. Eyes traveling all across the tackiness of the waiting room, they finally stopped on a little filly and her mother sitting directly beside him.
The small filly looked up at him with curious and downright adorable eyes and smiled. Discord frowned.
“Hi, my name is Blossom Heart,” the icy blue filly said, waving to Discord as he stared down at her. “What’s yours?”
“None of your beeswax,” Discord replied.
“Discord!” Twilight warned, glancing up from her magazine with another heart chilling look.
Groaning under his breath, Discord muttered, “Discord.”
“That’s a funny name,” the filly giggled, holding a hoof to her cuter-than-ever-thought-possible face.
“You have a funny–” Discord looked back at Twilight, remembering her presence and scrutinous glare, “Uh… hubris?”
“What?” Blossom asked with a tilt of her head.
“Wait, wait, no, wrong word.” Discord scratched his chin and knocked on his noggin. “Vitriolicness? No. Pervicaciousness? Nah. Ambrosialness? Not in this century.”
“Discord.”
“Hey, this time I was complimenting her!” Discord countered Twilight, holding his arms up in defense.
“I was going to say you were called up,” Twilight said, nodding his head to the receptionist that was holding the door open to the office.
Getting up in an incredibly slow stretch where he twisted his back in a satisfying snap, he saluted to Twilight and said, “Well, I’m doomed. Don’t touch my stuff when I’m dead!” Looking back at the still confused filly, Discord narrowed his eyes, pointed with two fingers at his pupils then turning those two fingers at her, he said, “I’m watching you.”
“Bye bye creepy guy!” Blossom called out, waving goodbye to Discord as he marched to the door.
“Dead man walking!” Discord called out, approaching the door like it was the opening to his end.
Past the doorway Discord entered the lair of evil itself. The one place on on this world he shivered in fear just to even think about. A place he would not wish to subject to even his worst enemy.
The dentist’s office.
Oh how the the very room itself seeped with a vile presence like none other. And the holder of this evil domain was who else but the dentist herself. A unicorn mare with a bright blue coat and and striped dark blue and white mane.
“Why hello there,” the mare said to Discord, grinning a perfectly white smile at him. “My name is Dr. Colgate, and I’ll be your dentist for today.”
“A dentist isn’t a doctor,” Discord said, crossing his arms.
“Actually, we are,” Colagte replied, her smile faltering slightly.
"Aren't dentists just ponies that failed medical school?"
"Of course not," Colgate assured him, directing him to take a seat. “Some of us dropped out,” she muttered under her breath.
Discord stared dismally at the chair, its enticing offer of easy comfort lost on him. He saw it for what it truly was. A deceitful chair made with the false promise of cushiony seats while the true evil lay in how it would straighten its victim out while the dentist worked their vile arts on them. Well, he certainly wasn’t going to fall for it.
“Care to take a seat?” Colgate asked, noticing Discord hasn’t taken one step closer to the chair.
“Um… can I go to the bathroom first?” Discord asked, crossing his legs and slumping over. “I’ve been holding it in all day!”
“Oh, why of course.” Colgate pointed towards the bathroom door down the hall in from office. “Take as long as you need.”
“Thanks doc!” Discord called out in sarcastic glee, bounding down the hall and entering the bathroom, locking it immediately upon entry.
Several minutes passed, becoming dozens as time ticked on until an entire half hour passed. Her earlier cheerfulness now gone, Colgate stared dejectedly at the bathroom door and impatiently tapped her hoof. Finally, the doors were thrown open with Discord thrown out. Except instead of from the bathroom doors, it was from the waiting room ones.
Twilight stood on the other side of the doors and glared at Discord with an unamused expression. “Sorry for the wait, Dr. Colgate. I saw him trying to sneak from out front, and I managed to catch him so he wouldn’t keep you waiting any longer.”
“How did he even manage to get out front anyhow?” Colgate asked.
“Through the window,” Discord answered with a raised finger while his face was still plastered to the floor.
“But that bathroom doesn’t have a window…”
“Exactly!”
“Oh, for the love of…” Twilight picked up Discord from the scruff of his neck like a troublesome foal and sat him down in the chair. Forming bonds on his feet and wrists to keep him seated, Twilight said, “Look, Discord, I don’t care how much you hate the dentist. Can you please, please just get this over with so I never have to do this again?”
“Do I get ice cream afterwards?”
Twilight stared at Colgate with an exasperated face. “Well, can he?”
“Uh… after thirty minutes he can,” Colgate answered, shrinking away from Twilight’s crazed look.
“Excellent. You heard her, Discord! Get this over with and in thirty minutes you can have as much ice cream as your stomach can handle, and then some!” Twilight exited the office with a loud bang of the doors, leaving both Discord and Colgate to stare at one another with shocked, though not overly concerned expressions.
“Well then… shall we get started?” Colgate said, taking a seat next to Discord’s chair and lifting over with her dental set with magic.
“If that question isn’t rhetoric…”
“It is.”
“Ah, never mind then.” Discord glanced over as she took out her first dental torture devices soon to be afflicted upon his mouth–a stainless steel mini-hook thingamabob. Blinking rapidly as a river of sweat poured like bullets from his brow, Discord nervously asked, “D-do you happen to h-have some type of laughing gas?”
“But we haven’t even started,” Colgate pointed out, fitting a white mask on her face.
“Do you want to get this over and done with or not?”
“... Good point.” Colgate quickly retrieved a tank of laughing gas. Covering Discord’s mouth with the respirator end, Colgate turned up the release of gas and asked, “Tell me if it works or not.”
“What was that?” Discord asked, taking off the respirator as gas leaked from his ears. “I can’t quite hear you.”
“Wait, how did you break out of your bonds?” Colgate asked, her question quickly answered when she noticed the odd sight of Discord having grown a third arm on the side of his neck to remove the mask. Though truthfully, this was relatively tame for Discord’s more unusual transformations. “Um… never mind.”
Colgate put the laughing gas away, somewhat disappointed it didn’t have any affect on Discord. Sighing, she lowered Discord’s seat so she could remain over him and made it so he leaned back straight and rigid.
“Okay, Discord, open up wide please,” Colgate asked, holding the hook of death close to his lips.
With a shaky jaw, Discord opened wide and closed his eyes tightly shut. Humming quietly under her breath, Colgate inspected his mouth while user the hook as a scraper to dig out any noticeable plaque.
“Well, Discord, I don’t see why you were so worried. Your teeth are in pretty good shape,” Colgate noted, scraping out some errant plaque from in between his molars. “Have you been flossing everyday?”
“Yesh,” Discord lied through the hook in his mouth, his hands gripping the ends of his armchair so hard his claws were digging into the soft fabric.
“Really, not too bad. I’m actually kind of proud of you.” Colgate’s scraping of plaque near his gum line suddenly halted, the unicorn mare tutting under her breath. “Looks like I spoke too soon.”
“What?” Discord asked worriedly, his eyes popping out of their sockets to see what she was scraping around on his single long fang.
“Right here,” Colgate stated, tugging uncomfortably at the tooth. “You have a cavity.”
“Cavity? Impossible!”
“Oh yes, it is indeed here. But don’t worry! I can fill ‘er up in no time!” Colgate turned back to her tray of medical tools and pulled out a jawdroppingly large syringe. Squirting a bit of the fluid out of the incredibly long needle, Colgate nodded her head and said, “But first, we must numb the inflicted area! Discord, are you ready?”
Too bad for her, Discord was already out cold, having passed out dramatically from the first sight of the syringe. His tongue stuck out the side of his mouth and he remained still in his seat.
Grinning behind her mask, Colgate called to the doors, “Twilight, you can come in now!”
Twilight entered the office, hastily making her way to Colgate’s side as both mares stared down into Discord’s mouth. “Okay, what needs fixing?”
“Truthfully, it’s a complete trainwreck,” Colgate admitted, holding open Discord’s jaw for Twilight herself to see. “Over a thousand years of being a statue does not equal good dental care. There’s more cavities in there than holes in swiss cheese! Plaque that’s built up over decades! And I’m not even mentioning the root canals that need to be done! They’re reaching into the double digits!”
“Think you can pull this off before he wakes up?” Twilight asked.
Colgate adjusted her mask, then fitted two gloves to either hoof in a loud snap. “Leave it to me! There hasn’t been a mouth that’s bested me yet!”
So Colgate went to work on every dentist’s nightmare. A toothy battle to the death of unimaginable proportions. Plague that fought back tooth and claw, bad breath that could burn off eyebrows, and cavities more numerous than craters on the moon were only a few challenges she faced. Truly it was a battle of the ages; mare against monster, tooth against brush, and finally, dentist against unlistening and generally uncaring patient.
In the end, there can only be one victor.
“Owwww,” Discord moaned, wincing as he held the great lump on the side of his mouth.
“This is what you get for not applying proper dental care,” Twilight said, taking another lick of her ice cream.
Discord stared at his cone, piled high with sugary dairy delights that would normally leave him ecstatic. But now with the pain… not so much.
“I hate the dentist,” Discord muttered, groaning under his breath again from the sudden sharp pain radiating from his mouth.
“Then I’m guessing you’re going to look more forward to your audit from the Equestrian Revenue Service next week?” Twilight asked with a smug smile on her face.
Looking back at his slowly melting cone, Discord thought long and hard. What he thought is still unknown, but he came to a riveting conclusion by saying, “Damnit.”
Author's Note
Ain't this rad?
