Chapter 1: Soaked To The Bone
Discord opened his eyes. After a rigorous day of napping, sleeping, lazing around, and then some napping again, just to make sure he got the credentials down right, he was awake once more. And he was bored out of his skull.
By his estimate, it was probably midday by now, yet the sky outside the window of his room was a smoky darkness that plunged Equestria into the blackest of nights. Clouds overheard swirled with a malicious intent, vile lightning flashing here and there being the only light seen overhead.
“Well, this is a pleasant surprise to wake up to,” Discord reflected. Stretching out on his midair perch on his wonderfully comfy cloud, he tugged at his beard in thought. “Let’s see, I wonder what can be causing such a storm. Ignorant pegasi weather teams? Celestia having an off day? A new evil power rising to take over Equestria? A fifty percent chance of thunderstorms in the afternoon with a forecast predicting a tropical storm rolling into the area?”
A scream could be heard from the dark storm clouds, which was followed by even more strikes of lightning and thunder causing the earth to shake.
“A new evil power rising to take over Equestria. Called it!” Discord relaxed back into his cloud, content to let the Elements of Harmony or that nag Celestia handle this mess. Reformed didn’t mean he’d go jumping at the opportunity to practice good.
“Discord! Discord!” Celestia called from down the hall, barging into his room in a panicked flurry.
“You know, there’s such a thing called knocking, Celestia,” Discord said. Rolling onto his stomach atop his cloudy bed, he flicked the hairs of his tail towards his doorway. “And if you don’t mind, I’d like to catch some beauty sleep. So yeah, if you can leave and turn my night light on while on your way out, that’d be great.”
“Discord, have you seen Luna anywhere?” Celestia asked. Her eyes searched with a rapid worry across his room. “I’ve been searching for her everywhere, yet I can’t find her!”
Discord glanced up to the heavens, which continued to fill with even more potent dark energy and evil of an unprecedented creed. “Nope. No idea whatsoever. Does it look like I’m a babysitter or something?”
“Then if she isn’t here, then it is worse than I thought.” Celestia trotted to the window, looking overhead at the swirling mass of black clouds and lightning. “Nightmare Moon is back.”
“Dangit, then it isn’t a new evil power rising to take over Equestria!” Discord cursed, smacking his cloud in anger. “Just a boring old one!”
“What are you talking about?” Celestia asked him with an arch of her brow.
“Oh, nothing,” Discord answered quickly. “I’m just wondering what prompted ‘goody-two-hooves’ Luna to be all bad and villainous again. Did you two get into another fight?”
Celestia shook her head. “My sister and I have not fought or argued since she returned.”
“Then this can be another tantrum she’s throwing. You know how she can get a bit ‘over-emotional’ sometimes,” Discord said, putting emphasis on the word while sniggering. “What with her temper and all that. Though the last time she threw a skit like this, she caused a civil war and near eternal night. My money is on that we get total world domination or some like that.”
“No, I fear this is far worse than any tantrum Luna has throw in the past. This is, well, um…” Celestia blushed, her pristine white cheeks turning to a rosy shade, “more personal.”
“So what? You read her diary?” Discord waved his paw off at Celestia. “Siblings do that all the time. Kiss and make up and then throw a tea party or something.”
“Discord, the circumstances surrounding Luna’s descent into Nightmare Moon is not an easy solution I can fix,” Celestia explained. “If I was, I’d have done it right away. No, this is an emergency only someone with certain…” Celestia coughed, her face blushing brighter, “dexterity can handle.”
“I can call Twilight if you want,” Discord offered, pointing a thumb behind his back. “Heck, I can even grab the Elements of Harmony along the way if you really need them.”
“No!” Celestia answered almost immediately, her face completely flushed. Holding a hoof to her lips, Celestia said, “I do not wish for my student to partake in any help involving my sister. At all. Neither are the Elements the answer to this problem. They only worked on Nightmare Moon last time because she had willingly evil intent to send Equestria into eternal night. Now it’s something much different.”
“Sheesh, if you don’t want your precious pony princess girlfriend to handle this, then what?” Discord asked.
“Twilight is not my girlfriend!”
Discord grabbed Celestia’s cheeks in his paw and shook her head either which way. “Now, now, Celly dear, the walls in the castle are thin, remember?”
Celestia slapped Discord’s hand away. “Listen, we’ll discuss that on a later date. For now, our main concern is calming Nightmare Moon down so she doesn’t plunge Equestria into darkness.”
“Well, if you actually told me what’s wrong with her, maybe I can help!” Discord pointed out while throwing his hands up exasperatedly in the air.
“My sister’s… oh, how can I put this?” Celestia asked herself. “Her… special time has finally arrived.”
“Wait, you’re telling me that Luna is PMSing?” Discord asked. Scratching his head, he nodded to himself. “Actually, that would explain a lot.”
“No, no, not that special time! The one that only comes once a year.”
Discord stared at Celestia with a blank expression.
Celestia groaned. “It only happens for mares.”
Discord tapped his chin. “Menopause?”
“What?” Celestia balked. “How did you even… no! No, she’s in heat. My poor, sweet sister is in heat and has transformed into a monster because of it!”
“In heat? Pfft!” Discord chuckled, sticking his tongue out at Celestia. “You need help for that? Why don’t you just do it yourself?”
“Discord, are you mad? She is my sister!” Celestia said. Seeing his deviously smiling face, Celestia gagged. “Oh, you are truly a vile, disturbing cretin, did you know that?”
“Yeah, love you too, babe.”
“Can you take this situation seriously for a moment and help me come up with a solution?” Celestia asked him. “Because if we don’t, then I’d have to duel my sister in mortal combat, and I’d really not prefer doing such a thing with her condition and state of mind.”
“Well, what did you do the last time she was ‘in heat?’” Discord asked.
Celestia blinked. “I’m actually not sure. I don’t believe Luna has ever been in heat until now.”
“Don’t forget she was stuck on the moon for a thousand years.”
“Oh yeah… right.” Celestia gulped. “That means she’s had no relief in a thousand or so years since the first time she’s been in heat. That can’t be good.”
Discord peered upward to the sky, squinting as more lightning struck the ground. “You don’t say?”
“We need a solution, and fast!” Celestia said, nearly tugging out her mane in frustration. “But what?”
Discord got up from his cloud sleeping arrangements, dusted off his shoulder and patted Celestia’s head. “Well, I guess it’s up to me then. Plus, I got five minutes to kill.”
“Wait, you’d seriously do this?” Celestia asked.
Discord shrugged. “Sure, why not? I’m bored anyhow.”
“I’m not sure how comfortable I am allowing one of my old enemies to ‘cool off’ my younger sibling…” Another lightning strike rocked the foundations of the castle, causing Celestia to wince. “But it appears I have no choice.”
“That’s the spirit!” Discord laughed, nudging her shoulder with a sly wink. “Just trust me, Celly, I got this covered better than peanut butter on a pickle!”
“Say again?”
Snapping his fingers, a bucket appeared, held in Discord’s claw. “Don’t worry, I’ll be done in a jiffy!” Snapping his fingers again, a shower of water and ice cubes fell into the bucket, filling it to the brim. “This is just the thing to cool her off, am I right?”
“Uh, Discord, I think you were mistaken about the terms I—”
“Allons-y!” Discord shouted, not bothering or really caring much to listen to the rest of Celestia’s sentence. With a jump and a crash Discord shattered the window and flew to the skies, on his way to stop Nightmare Moon from sending Equestria into eternal night.
Celestia stared up at the departing Discord, who was shouting a battle cry called ‘Leeroy Jenkins’ while swinging his bucket round and round over his head. “That poor fool,” Celestia said. “In hindsight, maybe this wasn’t the best of ideas…”
“This wasn’t the best of ideas,” Discord concluded. Shielding his eyes of the waterfall of sleet and rainfall pounding into his face, Discord attempted to gaze before him more than two feet ahead. “I should have brought a poncho or something. But really, are those even fashionable nowadays? Maybe a really big hat would’ve worked better?”
While he mulled over these thoughts (which somehow traveled to chocolate pudding and how it was obviously superior to the lowly vanilla pudding and the obviously horrid butterscotch flavor), he approached the eye of the storm. Which just so happened to be a literal eye of the blackest darkness that sucked all the life and joy from the world below while spewing hatred and malice in its wake. What Discord was wondering, however, was how much a contact of the size to fit said eye would cost.
“Most likely a pretty penny,” Discord reflected.
The eye stared down at him. Squinting, it sent forth a bolt of lightning that made the air buzz with energy and filled the area with a burned ozone smell.
With a flick of his wrist Discord flicked the lightning bolt out of its path towards him, causing it to land on the ground somewhere below and destroy a foal’s much cherished tire swing. “Just as planned,” Discord said with a victorious smirk, waving his smoking paw in the breeze. “Bitch-slapping lightning like it ain’t even a big deal. Just another day in the—”
Discord’s words were cut short when another lightning bolt hit him from behind, totally unaware, unprepared, and right in the ass.
After the fifteen or so seconds of being electrocuted, his limbs and body spasm in the air, Discord stared up at the clearly elated giant eyeball. Licking his fingers and putting out the small flame that was still burning on one of his horns, Discord dusted off what was left of the smoldering excuse for a coat that still covered his charred body.
“Okay, that’s quite enough!” Discord shouted, flying up to the eye with one arm pointed out in a battle charge. Avoiding another lightning strike, Discord finally reached his fleshy destination and attacked.
He poked the eyeball with a finger.
The eyeball screamed (where its mouth was, no one knew) and withered in midair, tears falling from its surface that mixed with the rain of the clouds.
“Now, where is Nightmare Moon?” Discord asked it, wagging another finger in warning. “And don’t make me have to resort using the other one!”
The eyeball transformed into a whirlpool, revealing a hole in the cloud cover that led to the empty sky above.
“Oh… that was easy enough,” Discord said, poking his head through the hole. Holding a hand over his uneven eyes, he scanned left and right. “Now, if I was an evil villainous with intent to plunge the world into eternal night, where would I be?”
Off to the side, Discord caught sight of a throne made of clouds. The light of the full moon shone down behind it, causing it to shimmer with moonlit sparkles.
“Even easier!”
Discord heaved himself over the hole and ran towards the throne. “Hey, hey, Luna, the life of the party is finally here!”
“Who dares address me in that name?” the figure sitting in the throne asked. Rising up in all her dark splendor, Nightmare Moon spread her black wings and took to the air, landing before Discord. Standing up straight, the ex-Princess of Eternal Night definitely fit her name; her blue coat was so dark it was practically black and her mane reflected the galaxies and cosmos in the farthest off reaches of the void of space. Gazing up at Discord with her menacing dragon-like eyes, she bared her fangs in a hiss. “Of course, it is only you, Discord. A bumbling fool that doesn’t know when to stick his head out of other’s business.”
“Hey, I was all up with not getting all up in your biz,” Discord explained. Pointing a thumb back at the hole that led to Equestria below, he said, “But then your sister hired me to stop you and whatnot. So here I am… and stuff.”
“Then you and my sister are both fools! Fools that have no way of stopping my earthly reign of Equestria!” Nightmare gloated, holding a hoof to her chest. “Once my night has become eternal, the entire world shall bow before me and worship my name! All of Equestria shall love the night as much as I do, or be forever forsaken!”
“Wow, Celestia never mentioned how much of a chatterbox you can be while in heat,” Discord muttered, rolling his eyes as Nightmare Moon went on and on about evil this and ruling that.
“In h-heat?” Nightmare sputtered, her dark than dark coat turning bright red for a brief moment. “She h-has no idea what s-she is talking about! I am not in any form of heat whatsoever!”
“Then how do you explain that blush on your cheeks?” Discord pointed out, winking.
Nightmare hastily covered her cheeks with a hoof. “Th-there is no b-b-blush! I am just r-reddening in anger at your stupidity is all!”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Thing is, Celestia sent me over here to ‘cool’ you off a bit.”
“Cool me… off?” Nightmare asked hesitantly.
“Did I stutter?” Discord asked, holding a hand to his ear and leaning downward.
“N-no… no, you didn’t. I’m just…” Nightmare grasped for what to say next, her face becoming more flushed by the second, “surprised you of all people would offer to cool me off, is all.”
Discord shrugged. “I don’t know what the big deal is. I mean, isn’t it normal for you mares?”
“Yes…” Nightmare answered, her head downcast. Looking to the side and not at his face, she said, “But I have had no ‘cool off’ since I first went into heat on my prison on the moon. Year after year, decades stacking into centuries I had no way to relieve myself. I had hoped that it was just a curse placed upon me during my imprisonment, but it appears this… feeling, is back.”
“Ooh, so that’s why you went all Nightmare Moon crazy! Along with the take over the world thing. Though truthfully, that can be accounted to parental issues instead.” Discord stroked his beard and pouted. “So, now you are super insane, and with no relief you’re just going to get even more pissed off. How exactly did you deal with this on the moon?”
“With anything I could,” Nightmare Moon explained. “First I only had my hooves, but over the years I became more creative. Rocks, moon dust, anytime a meteor crashes…” Nightmare Moon’s face was positively enflamed at that last statement.
“Wow, seems like weird thing to use just to cool off,” Discord noted. Smiling, he pounded his chest with a paw and said, “But not to fear, I got you covered!”
“Really?” Nightmare asked. Finally, after all these years, she’d be able to finally to fulfill her womanly needs from a real stallion… draconequus… well, at least he was a guy. Sure beat out those rock formation, that’s for sure.
With a swing, Discord upturned the bucket and threw the contents right into Nightmare Moon’s face, dowsing her in ice cold water all across her body. Letting the bucket go to fall down below (where it promptly hit Derpy over the head, fixing her long hated eye problems and making her life slightly better), Discord stood up straight with his hands on his hips and a confident smirk on his face.
“There we go, all covered in water! That should cool you down most definitely! Am I right?”
His smile was short lived, only to die in a malicious beating from an upturned hoof striking his lower jaw. Blinking and slowly regaining consciousness with his back to the ground, Discord stared straight in the eyes of a very angry and very wet Nightmare Moon.
“How dare you soak me in water like I was some common farm animal!” she screeched in his face, utterly obliterating both of his eardrums.
“Hey now, that’s just racist!”
Ignoring his comment, Nightmare Moon pushed her muzzle closer to Discord’s face and glared at him with pure, unfiltered hatred. “Listen, you bumbling moron! If you don’t dry me off right now, I shall make you suffer the fate of thousands upon thousands of souls being tortured at the same time while I crush every last bit of happiness in your pathetic life! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”
Strike that, now his eardrums were reduced to dust.
Nodding his head as fast as his neck would allow, Discord muttered, “Why o-of c-c-course, my d-dear! Please… just don’t hit me in the face! Not my beautiful, chiseled face!”
“Then get to work, cretin!” Nightmare stepped back and sulked in her wet demeanor, coat and mane dripping with icy water.
Discord got up and tugged at his fingers, unsure as what to exactly do. Should he use magic to make her dry, or use an actual towel instead? And why didn’t she just do it herself?
“I don’t have all day!” Nightmare reminded him.
“Technically it’s night…” Discord winced as she glared at him with daggers for eyes. Holding up his hands, he said, “Okay, okay, I’m getting to it!”
Snapping his fingers, a towel drifted down onto his hand. Grumbling under his breath, he leaned down and laid the towel on Nightmare Moon’s back, already rubbing her down. Up and down her back, he moved the towel hastily and roughly.
“I have wings you know! Be gentle with them!” Nightmare snapped at him.
Grumbling even louder, Discord went easier on her wings while muttering, “Be gentle with them. Blah, blah, blah. Like I give a—”
“My neck is getting cold!”
Holding back a sigh, Discord brought the towel to Nightmare’s neck and started to knead it with his fingers so as to soak up as much moisture as possible from her coat.
Nightmare Moon moaned slightly, enjoying the feel of her muscles being relaxed and loosened from Discord’s fingers. His hands continued to caress her shoulders from above the towel, working into her muscles and making her entire back tingle in pleasure.
Instinctively, Nightmare’s wings spread themselves out, feathers unfurled as she felt her wings harden. Looking over her shoulder at Discord with her face completely red, she asked, “Care to preen my wings?”
“Not like I have much of a choice,” Discord concluded.
While using the towel to rub the length of her right wing, Discord used his claw to ruffle through Nightmare’s feathers, brushing and removing errant or lose feathers from the black expanse of her fluffy appendages.
Nightmare Moon stifled another moan between her lips. Biting her lower lip, she felt her wings harden and become stiffer under Discord’s skillful fingers. She began to shake now, feeling a growing heat build up in her.
“D-Discord?” she whispered.
“Yes, your majesty?” Discord asked with as much snark as her could muster.
“Can you move… lower?”
Discord stopped. “How low?”
Nightmare leaned forward and raised her backside, showing to Discord her ample ass. “That low,” she said, cheeks rosy red with passion.
“Uh…” Discord gulped, looking down at his soggy towel, then back at Nightmare’s quite prominent rear, then back at the towel again, all the while sweating bullets.
“Please, Discord? My butt is awfully soaked,” Nightmare purred, giving her flank a little wiggle. “It’d be so kind of you to dry it now. You’d do that for me, yes?”
“Suuuuure,” Discord replied, his face soon becoming as red as Nightmare’s. Laying the towel down on her butt, he noted, “I’m going to need a bigger towel.”
Shrugging, he pushed his hands forward and squeezed the towel into her flank, grabbing two cheekfuls of Nightmare’s ass in either hand. She instantaneously moaned, back legs feeling like jelly under Discord’s touch. He moved both hands back and forth, lifting one cheek higher than the other and then pushing it back downward. As Nightmare’s moans rose, Discord decided to change up tactics, instead spreading her cheeks apart and then slapping them back together again. This nearly caused Nightmare Moon to fall over from sheer amount of bliss alone.
“D-don’t forget the m-middle!” she shouted, tongue hanging from her lips. “I’m s-so w-w-wet there!”
Discord moved his fingers to the spot close to underneath Nightmare’s tail. Giving it a slow press with his finger from top to bottom with the towel still under him, Discord asked, “Right here?”
“Yes! R-right there, in that s-spot!” Nightmare grunted. Never had she felt another’s touch from that place. It was new, stimulating, and a bigger turn on than she ever thought possible. She wouldn’t be surprised if she was drooling now. “Rub it up and d-down and soak up all the w-wetness!”
“Jeez, you’re positively roasting right here!” Discord noted, feeling heat rising from the area he was rubbing. The harder he rubbed, the hotter the area became. “Also, why does the towel keep on getting wetter and wetter?”
“Don’t care, just don’t stop!” Nightmare commanded. She actively moved her rump in conjunction with Discord’s finger works, rising when he was falling and so forth so she could get rubbed out in the best way possible. She could feel each individual finger on the outside of her lower lips. Touching and caressing with only the thin fabric of the towel separating them. Oh, how she wished the towel wasn’t there to stop him from going full throttle. And a bit deeper as well.
Discord, in all his near omnipotence intelligence and thousands of years of wisdom and experience, did the one thing that has been and forever will be ingrained into his mind. He just went with the flow. And if that flow was fingering Nightmare Moon while using a towel, then by golly he’ll just do that with as much enthusiasm as he could muster!
With a renewed vigor he prodded his fingers deeper into her wet spot, feeling her vaginal lips spread apart as he went deeper. Still rubbing up and down at a steady tempo, with two fingers he dived right in and went at it, wiggling and squirming inside her very warth depths. With every inch that he pressed his fingers in deeper, Nightmare squirmed harder, her legs shaking so hard Discord was sure she’d drop.
“Ngh… Ooh, your fingers are a-amazing!” Nightmare muttered, panting heavily on her hoof. “Why c-can’t ponies have fingers? They’re… mmh... way better than using a hoof!”
“Yeah, tell me about it,” Discord agreed, strumming the fingers of his paw along the large and oh so voluptuous surface of her ass. “I mean, you can pick your nose, clean out your ear, pick out stray bits of food in between your teeth, and even—”
“Don’t want to hear it! Just go harder!”
Discord muttered a curse under his breath (Harpleflarple is really not a word to use in the company of a lady) and quickened his finger’s pace. “Man, I’m going to get carpel tunnel if this continues.”
“Then d-don’t hold—mmph—back!” Nightmare said. A convulsion passed through her body, much stronger than any other she had ever felt before.
With a shrug, Discord removed the soaking wet towel, revealing Nightmare’s dripping pussy. “So that’s what a vagina looks like!” Discord hummed under his breath. “Wow, pornographies have lied to me greatly.”
Resting on her chest, Nightmare reached behind and grabbed either ass cheek, spreading them apart to further showcase her heated sex. “I-I don’t care… Just get me off, you m-moron!”
“Excuse me, princess,” Discord snorted, crossing his arms. “But I do believe I deserve more temptation than ‘moron.’”
“I WILL MAKE YOU INTO A CRATER ON THE MOON!”
“And that’s all the temptation I needed!”
Backing up a few steps, he took a running start and jumped up in the air, taking the proper diving technique of a swan. From his first leap in the air, Discord began to shrink, until he was pint-sized by the time he landed atop Nightmare’s vagina with a plop. Dusting himself off, he spread one vaginal lip apart, then slowly entered inside her.
“Discord Vaginal Cave Explorer, yay!”
“D-Discord, what are you doi—ahh!” Nightmare bit down on her hoof, still in the same position as she felt her tight confines being tickled and wiggled all throughout.
“Wow, sure is dark in here. Dank too. You could use some lighting to liven up the place.”
Unable to hold it back much longer, Nightmare Moon fell on her side, letting loose as Discord dived deeper into her pussy.
“Now, let’s see here… Crikey, I found a pearl! I struck it rich! Whoopy!”
“N-no, don’t—” Nightmare shook her legs and screamed into her hoof, tears springing up in her eyes from the overwhelming pleasure radiating from her pussy. Never before had she felt every inch inside herself be touched in such a way. Discord’s entire body was being used in the effort, and all she could think about was how much she loved him to be inside her.
“Whoa… what was that?”
Convulsion after convulsion passed through Nightmare Moon’s body as she felt a growing tension in her lower regions build up to what felt like a dam about to burst. Discord poking her in every spot he could while licking her like a dog didn’t help either.
“Oh no! No! It’s an earthquake! Ahhhhhhh!”
“I’m going to… I’m going to… I’m going to…” Nightmare screamed with all her might as her pent in orgasm was finally released in an explosion of pure ecstasy and pleasure. “CUM!”
“And now a tsunami! Oh, the ponanimty!”
Discord was finally ejected from Nightmare’s crevices, falling in a wet splunk on the cloud cover floor. Nightmare panted, taking great breaths in and out as a wet puddle formed in the clouds near her groin. The extremes of getting off using another partner were more pleasurable than she ever thought possible. The orgasm she was still riding high on was like nothing she had ever felt before, and it had completely caught her off guard and left her a panting mess on the floor.
Picking himself up, Discord sniffed at his arm, which was completely soaked by Nightmare’s vaginal juices. Giving it a lick and smacking his lips, Discord muttered, “And once again pornos have lied to me.” Turning around, Discord glimpsed Nightmare Moon shifting and changing, reverting back to Luna. “Although that part seems spot on.”
“Discord, that was wonderful,” Luna breathed out, her cheeks still red as ever. Now she was back to her slightly smaller form, with her coat turning back to its usual dark blue color and her eyes no longer a menacing predator’s. “I can’t thank you enough.”
“Hey, all in a night’s work.” Looking down at his wet body, a smirk suddenly appeared on Discord’s cheeks. Looking back at Luna, he winked. “Though would you mind if you dried me off a bit? I’m practically soaked to the bone!”
Author's Note
And that, children, is how the national sport of cunt spelunking became the new pastime of Equestria.
