Daughter of Darkness

by Tatsurou

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Scootaloo, Slice of Life, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 19443

Scootaloo introduces her parents to Ponyville. Hilarity ensues.

Many people have many theories about Scootaloo. Some think she's an orphan. Some think she's part of an abusive household. Others still worry that she's somepony's illegitimate offspring that's hidden away.

However, the truth is far from that. She has a loving mother and father, and she means the world to them both. They've gone to great lengths all for her.

However...they're just a little...strange. Especially since neither one is comfortable with coming out except at night.

Rated Teen for some adult language.

Partially inspired by this story by Colonel J.

Edit: New Cover Art by G_Haze! Found here.
Edit 2: And G_Haze has decided to update the cover art, and damn does it look good.

Published 2013-12-16 03:50:05 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-08 22:19:51 UTC

Daddy's Girl

Scootaloo smiled to herself as she walked home from her time at the Clubhouse. She and the other Crusaders had spent a full afternoon and late evening crusading for their cutie marks. It was now quite late, and she was buzzing her wings happily as she sped home on her Scooter. She had, of course, promised Applejack to use her flashlight to guide her and Sweetie home from the farm, and had dutifully shone the flashlight as she pulled Sweetie behind her to the Boutique, where she was staying with her sister. However, as soon as Scootaloo was out of sight of the Boutique, she switched the flashlight off. She saw better at night without it, not that she wanted anyone to know that.

She recklessly maneuvered her way through town, easily evading each obstacle presented, deliberately coming as close to them as possible without touching. In the dark, this was so much more exciting. It was a pity she couldn't share this with her friends yet, but there were some things she kept to herself for a very good reason. Someday she could share it...but that day hadn't come yet.

Eventually, she arrived at her house, putting her scooter into a skid up a ramp as she flipped through the half closed window without touching either glass or frame. She then came to a landing on all four hooves as she slung her scooter over her shoulder. She started to turn towards her room, but she paused. The air in the house felt subtly different than normal. A huge grin - the sort that would put Pinkie Pie to shame - split her face as her wings buzzed happily. Her father was awake.

Dropping her scooter, she raced into the kitchen happily, nearly flying from the sheer force of her joy. "Dad!" she cried happily, charging forward and wrapping her forelegs around the long, thin leg concealed beneath the black cloth. She nuzzled eagerly at the knee just above her head.

The figure leaned down to scoop her up over the kitchen counters into a tight hug. "There's my little dark angel," the figure said happily, swinging her around a bit.

She nuzzled happily into his chest, sighing happily as his hand came up to pet her between her ears. "How long are you going to be awake for this time?" she asked curiously. "I miss you when you're in the deep sleep."

"Yeah, I'd miss me too," he said with a chuckle. "But don't worry, I'm sick of the sleep anyway. Starting tonight, I'm back bitches!"

Scootaloo squealed happily as she nuzzled into him again, ignoring his vocabulary. She didn't know why he always called out to Winona like that, or what his thing about Diamond Dogs was all about, but she didn't question. She loved him too much.

"I made you dinner!" he said happily, presenting her a plate. "Hayballs and pasta in red sauce...or at least that's what we'll tell your mother it is, right?"

Giggling, Scootaloo dove into the plate, devouring the food with eagerness, easily recognizing the 'red sauce' by taste. "Does this mean I'm going to be able to do cool things like you do soon?" she asked, her head rising as her eyes sparkled happily with a red shine.

Her father leaned down, licking a bit of blood from her muzzle that didn't make its way into her mouth. "Don't worry, little hellion. Soon you'll be raising Cain just like your old man, and teaching those prissy prats to suck dingleberries. Now, how was your day?"

Scootaloo smiled. "Well, school was okay. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were teasing me and my friends about being Blank Flanks again, and my still being ground bound."

"Someone was picking on my dark angel?" her father demanded in outrage. There was the click of a cocked pistol. "Want me to take care of them?"

Scootaloo thought for a time. "Nah, too much trouble. Besides, I know what you'd do with what was left, and Mom says we're not supposed to eat spoiled food."

Her father cracked up laughing. "That's my girl! Go ahead and eat up!"

Smiling, Scootaloo finishes her meal. "After school, me and my friends were crusa- I mean, trying to find our cutie marks."

"Oh, go ahead and call it crusading. It's not like those papist pricks ever caught me! Spent to much time looking in little Timmy's pants!"

Scootaloo shook her head. She never knew what her dad was talking about half the time, but that didn't matter. She knew he loved her, and she him. That was enough. Still, she stuck by her mom's rule to not repeat anything her dad said that she didn't know what it meant. She smiled up at her dad. "So what do we have planned for tonight?"

He chuckled. "We? You, little lady, have a bedtime last I checked."

Scootaloo pouted. "Aww..."

He shook his head. "Doesn't matter how adorable you are, I'm not crossing your Mom. If I do that, I won't get any."

Scootaloo blinked. "Any...what?"

Her father grinned widely and started to open his mouth. However, a sparkling dark blue wisp of magic smacked him in the back of the head. "Aww, you're no fun anymore!" he shouted at the air. "I'm going for a walk!"

Scootaloo smiled. "What kind of walk?"

Her father grinned widely, showing his pointed teeth. "The enthusiastic kind in...the Everfree." He turned and opened the closet. "Where the fuck's my trench coat?"

Scootaloo ran up to her room, followed by her father. She pulled a large, red trench coat out from between her blanket and sheets. "It helped me feel close to you," she said, floating it over to him on black and red wisps that dissipated almost as soon she managed to conjure them, "since you were asleep for such long stretches of time." She then grabbed a red wide brimmed fedora off a hat rack, hoofing it to him as well.

Smiling widely, he donned the coat and hat before tucking her into bed. "Sleep well my little dark angel." He kissed her on her right cheek. "Be good for your mother." He kissed her on her left cheek. "And be bad for me." Leaving the happily dozing filly in bed, he headed out into the night when he felt a buzzing at his hip. "Huh, I didn't know I still got reception way out here." He pulled his cell phone out and flipped it open. "Yello!" He pulled back from the earpiece as rather loud bitching could just barely be made out through the receiver. "Damn it, Integra, I thought I'd blocked your number! What's it take to have you get the message I quit? Get the police girl to do it!" He promptly hung up before storming off into the Everfree Forest. "This walk is going to need to be very enthusiastic." He grinned as he patted the holsters at his hips. "Should be quite fun."

Author's Note

A question for my readers. At what point in the story did you figure out who Scootaloo's father was?

...if your answer is "reading the comments", this probably isn't the story for you until after you've watched the source material of this crossover.

A Passing F.A.D.

ALUCARD!

The fuck-mothering vampire winced as the telepathic voice intruded into his daytime slumber. Despite the rage in the voice that made him wince, he couldn't help but grin widely. "Naughty Butt!" he said happily, speaking aloud despite the conversation being telepathic. "It's been ages."

Don't get fresh with me Alucard, the telepathic voice replied angrily. I know it was you!

"What, specifically?"

The rampage that leveled 300 acres of the Everfree?

"The old bitch got my number again somehow! I needed an enthusiastic walk!"

The corpses of 500,000 zomponies decorating the ruined landscape?

"It was like a convention! It was so much fun!"

What have I told you about-

"It's not like I went looking for them! Geeze, what happened to turn you into such a buzz kill?"

And haunting my old home to drive the new Princess and her friends crazy in fear?

"Hil-arious! But not me. That was all Pinkie!"

And you expect me to believe that they all wound up there by complete coincidence?

"Hell no! That would be ridiculous! Pinkie set them up for that."

...and you expect me to accept that this was all some sort of obscure prank on Pinkie's part?

"Would you put it past her?"

Normally not...except for the fact that I saw your shadow there overlooking your handiwork?

"You were spying on me? I thought you trusted me!"

I was there because somepony was reading my diary. There are some...embarrassing things in there, so I needed to magically alter those pages. I saw you as I was leaving.

"What could be so embarrassing that-"

Our Honeymoon.

"...you were still writing in your diary at that point?"

It was worth recording.

"You bet it was, hot stuff." Alucard grinned widely. "So, other than chewing me out for making a mess, why are you calling me?"

Well, our anniversary is coming up, so I wondered if you had any plans?

"Well, I figured we'd do a family outing. Kid's already picked out her costume, and has been begging me to go with her. Figured we could all go together and make a night of it. Paint the town red as the stud on the farm!"

...while that does sound wonderful, my being her mother is not exactly well known, and explanations-

"No worries! I'm taking care of it!"

...how?

"Well..." Alucard notices the time. "I'll have to get back to you on that. I overslept, and I'm late for Family Appreciation Day!"

You WOULDN'T!

Alucard let out a feigned gasp. "Dearest, I'm hurt! I thought you knew me better than that!"

...well...

He let out an amused snort. "Of course I would! Love you bunches, gonna scare the kiddies bye!" With that, he began phasing through the walls at a rapid pace.

Scootaloo was standing at the front of the classroom. "Well, I know I've never had either of my parents come for Family Appreciation Day, but they've always been super busy..."

"Assuming they even exist," Diamond Tiara said snidely to Silver Spoon, getting a laugh from some of the students.

Scootaloo frowned. "But my Dad's going to make it today, and he'll be here soon. He promised." She glanced around, wondering where he was.

"Bet he doesn't show," Silver sniped.

Scootaloo's frown deepened. "Now, I just want to warn you, my dad can be a bit strange, and-"

Alucard phased halfway through the wall behind Scootaloo, sticking halfway out the chalkboard. "Hey kids, wanna see a dead body?"

The entire class - including Cheerilee - leaped back screaming. Scootaloo flopped onto her back, laughing hysterically. Alucard was grinning widely as he settled to the floor. Scootaloo finally spoke up. "Everypony, this is my Dad, Alucard."

Cheerilee managed to get herself under control. "A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Alucard. I'm sorry for screaming like that-"

"Don't be!" he said happily. "It was a lovely scream. One of the best I've heard in more than a decade!"

Cheerilee blinked, going through a minor mental adjustment. "So, Mr. Alucard, won't you tell the class what you do for a living?"

"I kill things."

As several of the students paled, Cheerilee rallied gamely. "Perhaps you could be...more specific?"

"There are things out there in the world that you never hear about, that make Discord and Chrysalis look like those two squirts who think the world revolves around them," he says, pointing at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. This made most of the class snicker while the two fillies in question glowered. "I'm one of those things. I'm the reason you never hear about any of the others."

"Are you a human?" Sweetie Belle asked. As others looked at her, she shrugged. "Well, he looks like one."

"Human? Nah! I left that behind eons ago. I am a fuck-mothering vampire! I had to kill a lot of people to get that title, so I'm quite proud of it!"

Cheerilee blushed. "Mr. Alucard! You shouldn't use such language in front of fillies and colts!"

"Why not? If they know what it means, they're old enough to know when to use it. If not, they know not to repeat it. And it's not like I care either way!"

Cheerilee blinked, trying to find a counter argument to that.

"Will we get to meet your Mum, too?" Pipsqueak asked from the back of the class. "Who is she, anyway?"

"My Mistress," Alucard said happily.

Cheerilee gasped. "Alucard!"

"What? She's the one who sends me after my targets."

Cheerilee sighed. "I see. So...it's a job title type of thing?"

"That...and it's what I call her in the bedroom. Gets her all flustered when I call her that in front of the nobles."

Cheerilee went pale. Most of the students tilted their heads in confusion. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were bright red, however.

Alucard sighs happily. "Little Lulu's so adorable when she blushes."

Pipsqueak blinked, his eyes going wide. "Cor Blimey! Princess Luna's yer Mum?"

There was a collective gasp from the class. Scootaloo rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. "Heh, yeah, funny story there..."

"How did that happen?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Well, it all started shortly after the wedding," Alucard began, "when I led Luna into the bedchamber I'd prepared and Unhnhnhnhn!" Alucard got a rather strange expression on his face.

Apple Bloom blinked. "I meant how come Scootaloo's been around since before her return," she added, as a portion of the class 'Eww!'ed.

Alucard blinked. "Right. Enough focusing on the past! Instead let's focus on the past!" He assumed a dramatic pose, one hand to the brim of his hat. "A little over a thousand years ago, after ditching the heinous bitch I used to serve because she would never put out, I was going for a rather enthusiastic walk under the moonlight when I stumbled over a plot device, triggered a Deus ex Machina, and landed with my eyes on the hottest flank I'd ever seen. Without stopping to think - much like every other excellent decision I've ever made - I ran up and smacked that sweet ass and asked for a quick lay. She shot my nuts off."

Alucard stared at his captivated audience. Those that knew what he was saying looked like they were ready to faint. The rest were totally enthralled. "After I got my nuts reattached, I tried again. Kept going after her, and eventually she realized what a great guy I was and jumped into bed with me! Boy was that one hell of a night! Wanted it to last forever, but that would have pissed off her sister, so we kept going during the day instead. Of course, she still got pissy about me touching her baby sister, and tried to banish me. Didn't work. Some time later, it turned out that Luna was pregnant, so Celestia tried to arrange a suitable marriage for her to make an honest mare out of her.

"Now, I wasn't going to let anypony get their hooves on my sweet Night Angel, so I broke into the old palace, embedded Tia halfway through the wall, left the guards hanging from chandeliers by their scrotums, and stole Luna away. I then raised the nine lords of Tartarus to bind us in unholy matrimony. Tirek tried to refuse, so Luna and I each shot a nut off. The rest of the lords agreed shortly.

"Course, after that, Luna knew she needed to make the night a bit longer because our child would be born sun sensitive. Of course, Tia thought that it was an excuse to spend more time with me, and since she was still prissy about my romantic proposal, she refused. Once little Scootaloo was born, however, we discovered that she actually couldn't survive in daylight. Now, I knew of a spell that could be used to protect her from sunlight, but Luna insisted she'd handle it before I could explain. Next thing I know, she's banished to the moon for trying to make eternal night.

"Scootaloo was just a baby, and I didn't have anyone else but Luna, so I tried to send us through time until the moment she escaped the moon. Course, I landed ten years early, and the spell for Scootaloo's sunblock took the rest of my strength. After ensorcelling a Manticore to act as a wet nurse, I fell into a deep sleep to conserve energy. I was able to wake up every so often to tend to her, enroll her in school, buy her a scooter. Now my deep sleep is over, Luna's out of the Moon, and we're going to party like it's 1999!"

The entire class was dead silent, either from having fainted or being wowed by the awesome story, or at least that's what Alucard thought. Scootaloo smiled happily, nuzzling his leg. Bending over, he scooped her up into a warm hug, which spawned a chorus of "Aww!"s from the class.

Cheerilee finally managed to speak. "But...it's only the Celestial year 1003..."

"So?" Alucard grinned as the students laughed.

Meanwhile, Diamond and Silver looked like they'd just gotten a text from the Grim Reaper telling them to clear their schedules. And who could blame them? They'd just discovered that their favorite teasing target was the daughter of the Princess of the Moon and the Monstrous Hunter sent after things worse than Discord. Noticing their faces, Alucard sent a wicked grin their way.

These thoughts were running through Alucard's mind:

'Raising a foal from infancy: 2000-4000 bits
School Education: 200 bits
Industrial Strength Sunblock: 500 bits a bottle
Making your daughter's bullies piss their pants: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, I've got bullets.'

Family Night

Alucard carefully tied the half-Windsor knot in his pitch black tie. Against the red dress shirt and black suit jacket and pants, he made quite the frightening and imposing figure...not to mention delectable, according to what Luna had told him a thousand years back. Tonight was, after all, a very special night. It was the first anniversary of their wedding that he and Luna were able to spend together, mostly since the first thousand were spent with Luna in the moon, and Alucard had been in the deep sleep for the last one. Besides that, Scootaloo was going to be along as well.

Thinking of her, the little filly came running up. "Hey Dad!" she said happily, skidding to a halt. She tilted her head in confusion. "What's with the suit?"

Alucard smiled. "It's a special night, kiddo! Your Mom and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary tonight!"

Scootaloo tilted her head. "I thought it was Nightmare Night?"

"Same diff! Why do you think it became a national holiday in the first place?"

"And the costumes?"

"We and the guests were all in costume at the wedding, so Sunbutt couldn't track us down and crash it during the 'anyone objects' part."

Scootaloo nodded. "And...the candy?"

"Well, we kinda dispatched a whole bunch of ghouls, goblins, and other night beasts to swipe enough grub and decorations to make it a nice wedding."

"And the offering to Nightmare Moon represents the wedding presents?"

"And Luna complains about your grades!" Alucard replied proudly, leaning down to ruffle Scoot's mane.

Scootaloo nuzzled into his hand. "So what are you dressed as? I can't think of anything scarier than who you normally are."

Alucard smiled widely. "I'm going as something as far from my normal self as possible...a civilized human being."

Scootaloo shuddered. "That is scary."

"What? Humans aren't all that-"

"No. You trying to be civilized."

Alucard let out a deep belly laugh. "That's my little hellspawn! So where's your costume?"

"Right!" Scootaloo said happily, dashing off to another room. There was a brief rustling of cloth, followed by a resounding crash. "Uhh...little help?"

Alucard headed into the other room to see what the fuss was about. There he found Scootaloo on the floor, bundled up - practically hogtied, in fact - in his red trenchcoat, with his fedora sitting over her entire head and all the way down to her wings. "I think those are a bit big for you, kid!" he managed to get out through his laughter as he started to untangle her.

"Aw, man!" Scootaloo pouted. "But I wanted to go as the scariest thing to ever live: my Dad!"

Alucard thought about that for a bit. Little Scootaloo, grinning eagerly as her body was covered with a properly sized red trenchcoat, a red fedora resting on her head, and her eager purple eyes peeking out over the yellow mirrored sunglasses...

It was at that point Ponyville heard the most terrifying sound it would ever hear, a sound that echoed across the countryside. Alucard squee'd. "That would be just too precious!" he cried happily.

"Aw!" Scootaloo pouted. "I don't want to be precious! I want to be terrifying, dressed up as a fuck-mothering vampire!"

Alucard chuckled. "Well...I think I can help you there. How would you like to go out tonight as a fuck-mothering vampony?"

Scootaloo squeed happily. "You've got a costume like that ready?"

Alucard chuckled. "Actually, for you, it'll be more like taking a costume off."

"Huh?" she asked, confused.

Alucard smiled widely. "Sun Protect: Off," he intoned, snapping his fingers.

Scootaloo hunched over as she felt magic coursing through her body. Her orange coat slowly faded in color until it was a moon pale white from muzzle to rump. Her purple mane and tail darkened to red, and then even darker until it was almost black, with a few shifting white specks appearing here and there within. One might poetically describe the image as a pool of blood drained of color by moonlight, reflecting the stars of the sky. Alucard found it somewhat closer to the color of the magical energy they shared, speckled with Luna's stars.

Scootaloo's teeth, flat for her lifetime of chewing grains and vegetables, slowly grew and sharpened until each and every one came to a razor sharp point, fitting together in her mouth like twin saw blades. Her violet eyes darkened to the crimson of rubies as red as blood, and her pupils narrowed to slits.

Groaning a bit, Scootaloo spread her small wings. Her now white feathers became softer and fuller. Then without warning, the bones of her wings erupted outward as she grunted, reaching the full length of normal wings. Skin and muscle quickly spread to cover the bones...and then webbing spread between them. The upper half of her wings was feathery like an avian, while the lower half was webbed like a bat.

Scootaloo slowly flapped her larger wings a bit, getting a feel for them. Turning, she saw herself in a mirror. "Wow," she breathed. "I look awesome!" She blinked. "Wait, how come I have a reflection? Aren't I a vampony?"

"Half vampony, actually," Alucard pointed out. "Your vampirism you get from me, and it is pretty powerful, but the living magic you get from Luna is just as strong. Technically, you're a damphir: all the strengths of a vampire, and only the sun weakness because both parentages draw from the dark and the moon."

Scootaloo grinned widely. "Sweet! This is going to be totally awesome!"

Alucard only grinned down at his daughter, pleased to see her in her true form at last. Pity he'd have to replace the sun protect come morning. She was still hyper sensitive to sunlight because of her mixed blood, and she would likely burst into flame if she went out unprotected. That and the sun would likely blind her night adjusted, light sensitive eyes.

"So is Mom going to be joining us?" Scootaloo asked eagerly.

Alucard nodded. "She will, she will. She just wants to make her traditional flashy entrance, then we can spend some quality family time together. In the meantime, I promised Pinkie Pie I'd help chaperone the little tykes around to collect candy." He leaned down. "Don't tell her I said this, but that pink pony freaks me out. ...she also gives me an awkward boner, but don't tell your mother that."

Scootaloo nodded. "What's a boner?"

"It's when a stallion stares too long at a mare and his junk pops out of the sheath," he explained bluntly.

"You mean like how every stallion reacts when they look at Fluttershy when she doesn't know she's being watched?"

"To paraphrase the other big red guy: Eeyup!" He chuckled. "Personally, she's not really my type. Far too gentle. Although I'd love brushing that mane of hers." He paused. "Don't tell Mom."

Scootaloo nodded. "Triple scoop," she added.

"You little extortionist you!" He ruffled her mane again. "Let's go join the others."

The two headed to the door, and Alucard opened it.

"Well it's about time you two got ready!" Pinkie complained, tapping her hoof. Alucard wasn't entirely sure how to describe her costume beyond confusingly awesome.

"And...what are you supposed to be?"

Pinkie giggled. "Isn't it obvious, silly? I'm Michael McDoesn'tExist."

"Wah!" Alucard replied, throwing up his arms defensively.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Dad, you're embarrassing me."

"Of course I am! That's a father's job!"

The other fillies and colts giggled at these antics. Meanwhile, Apple Bloom - dressed as a marewolf - and Sweetie Belle - dressed as a mummy (Rarity had commented it would be good for her to have the bandages handy, given her track record with her friends) - marveled at Scootaloo's new look. "That's a really awesome costume!" Sweetie spoke up. "How'd you get it to fit so well?"

"Did ya actually dye your coat?" Apple Bloom asked.

Scootaloo shook her head. "This is my natural appearance, actually. What I normally look like is the result of a spell to protect me from sunlight."

"Whoa!" the two fillies said together.

"Cool!" several nearby colts added.

"Well what are you ponies waiting for?" Pinkie called out. "Let's go get some candy!"

"YEAH!" the group called out excitedly, following Pinkie. Alucard took up the rear, keeping track of all the young ones. While he wouldn't normally care, he had made a promise, and those he took seriously, no matter how childish.

When they started to pass a house without going up, Alucard called out, "Hey! How come we aren't going there?"

Pinkie sighed. "That's the Rich residence. Filthy never gives out candy. It's not very nice, but it wouldn't be nice of us to impose if he doesn't want to participate."

"Rich, Rich...that sounds familiar..."

"It's Diamond Tiara's dad," Scootaloo commented.

Alucard grinned widely. "Really?"

Scootaloo nodded. "Really."

"Really?"

"Really..."

"REALLY?"

"Dad, that's getting old-"

Ding-Dong!

Pinkie glanced at Alucard nervously as the young ones gathered at Filthy's door. "Are you sure about this?"

"Don't worry, Pinkie," Alucard replied as he lowered his hand from the door bell. "I've got this."

Filthy Rich opened the door, and the children began the traditional chant.

"Nightmare Night, what a fright,
Give us something sweet to bite!"

Alucard added his own embellishment.

"If you don't, I don't care
I'll put a metal slug in your derriere."

As the fillies and colts giggled, Filthy Rich frowned. "What do you want?" he demanded.

"Isn't it obvious?" Alucard asked. "You're supposed to be giving the kids candy."

Filthy's frown deepened. "This candy is imported from Beargium, and is for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon! Diamond's sick and can't participate in tonight's festivities, and Silver Spoon was kind enough to forgo her own revelry to keep her company!"

A quick magical look through an upper story window revealed the extent of Diamond's "sickness" was staying in her room so she could throw water balloons filled with paint or other substances at other fillies and colts while Silver egged her on.

Filthy continued his tirade. "I must insist that you leave my property at-"

"I said..." Alucard began, swinging his hand up to point his middle finger between Filthy's eyes. The stallion lost all vehemence as his eyes glowed red. "You want to give these kids that candy."

"I want to give these kids this candy," Filthy intoned, beginning to pass out the candy.

"And you want to discipline Diamond Tiara because she's a spoiled little bitch."

"And I want to discipline Diamond Tiara because she's a spoiled little bitch," Filthy replied.

Alucard grinned. "See Pinkie? I can make him say anything. Watch this!" He cleared his throat. "Dusk's Dawn was amazing."

"Dusk's Dawn was amazing," Filthy intoned.

"And he believes it, too!"

"Eeyug!" Pinkie replied, flinching back.

"Oh! Oh!" Scootaloo bounced up and down, beckoning.

Alucard leaned down, and she whispered in his ear. He looked down at her. "Really? You really want me to make him say that?"

Scootaloo nodded. "Diamond hates them, and if he believes it, he'll make her read and watch them."

"You sneaky little devil!" Alucard said happily. He cleared his throat again. "Urgh...Twilight was the best romance story of all time," he intoned. Damn, I feel dirty saying that.

"You're full of shit," Filthy replied in the expected monotone.

Alucard blinked, noticing all the candy had been passed out. "Huh," he said as Pinkie giggled. "Even my power can't save that train wreck. Who knew?" He grabbed Scootaloo and ran off yelling, "Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!"

The others followed him, and once he set Scootaloo down, laughing, they continued their candy hunt. Meanwhile, the sounds of a petulantly shrieking Diamond Tiara were music to most of their ears.

"Say Scootaloo," Snips asked, "Luna's your Mom, right?"

"Yeah," Scootaloo replied, worried this would be the start of her feared your Mom's a Princess so let us worship you phase.

"Does that mean we still have to give her candy?" Snails asked.

"Of course it does!" Alucard replied. "Last time I saw Luna get denied her sweet tooth, she ate the goblin that took the last slice of cake." The colts and fillies all shuddered. "Course, it was our wedding cake, on our wedding day, and she was pregnant with Scootaloo at the time...but do you really want to take that chance?"

As some shuddered, Pipsqueak laughed aloud. "Your Dad's fun!" he told Scootaloo. "He's scary, but fun! Just like your Mum!"

"I'll show you scary butt fun," Alucard said wickedly.

"Really?" Pipsqueak asked, eager and not recognizing the intonation.

"When you turn 16," Alucard added. "Before would just be weird. Besides, it wouldn't fit."

"Uhh..."

"Dad's kinda like Pinkie Pie, too," Scootaloo pointed out. "Whatever he says or does, just...don't question it." She grinned widely. "Besides, if we don't tell Mom what he said, he'll buy us ice cream!"

"Ice cream!" all the colts and fillies - and Pinkie Pie - shouted happily.

Alucard chuckled. "Ice cream!" he screamed just as happily as they stormed the ice cream shop. The proprietor - Adderson, Earth Pony, special talent chemistry - screamed and fainted at their charge.

Alucard walked alongside the group of kids he was responsible for - well, he was more responsible than Pinkie anyway, barely - as they all enjoyed their ice cream. "So," he began, "having fun, kiddies?"

"Yeah!" they all shouted together.

"Neat! So what happens next?"

"Now we go to Zecora so she can tell us the story of Nightmare Moon," Scootaloo replied with a frown. Ever since learning that Nightmare Moon was her Mom, the story had lost its appeal for her.

Alucard snorted. "Really? Want to hear the real story?"

All the colts and fillies sat as Alucard had their complete attention.

Alucard grinned. "Mood swings."

There was silence for a time. "Huh?" they all asked.

He pointed to a slightly older unicorn colt. "Do you have an younger sibling?"

The colt nodded. "My little sister turns 1 next month."

"Remember what your Mom was like when she was pregnant with her?"

The colt snickered. "Dad couldn't sit down for an entire month."

"Imagine that sort of thing with a mare who controls the moon and the dreamscape. That's Nightmare Moon in a nutshell."

All the youngsters eyes widened in fear. Scootaloo sighed. "I think I prefer Zecora's story," she commented. "At least it's fun."

"And more than two words long," Apple Bloom complained.

"Well, I could lengthen it by telling the story of Scootaloo's conception," Alucard offered.

The gathered youngsters let out a concerted, "EWWW!"

"Aw, you're no fun anymore!" Alucard complained. Lightning flashed as clouds gathered. "Oh! Luna's here!"

The storm cloud's briefly gathered as lightning flashed. The chariot passed by rapidly overhead before Luna leapt from it, her cape dissipating into a thousand bats as she spread her wings, gliding into land softly. As she landed, she raised her head. "Citizens of Ponyville!" she cried out in the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Rejoice! Your Princess has arrived! Let the celebration of this most wonderful of nights be-YIPE!"

Towards the end of her speech, Alucard had made his way over to her side from out of her line of sight and slapped her right on her Cutie Mark. "Hey, sweet cheeks! Miss me?"

Luna glowered at him. "Continue such behavior in public and I will insist on you wearing the collar in public."

"Kinky!" Alucard replied.

Luna glowered more intently. "And nothing else."

"Even better!"

Luna sighed, rolled her eyes, then wrapped a foreleg and wing around Alucard in a tight embrace. "I've missed you, you incorrigible maniac." Alucard returned the hug silently.

"Mom!" Scootaloo called happily, tackling Luna in the side, leaping over Alucard's shoulder to reach her.

Luna squee'd happily, quickly wrapping Scootaloo in a tight embrace. "And there's my dear, sweet little Night Angel." She kissed Scootaloo on the forehead. "Have you been a good filly for Mommy?"

Scootaloo rolled her eyes at the baby talk, but didn't complain. "Yes! And a very bad one for Daddy!"

Luna rolled her eyes as Alucard chuckled. Luna then took a sniff of Scoot's breath. "...neoponitan," she said calmly. "You don't like to mix the flavors, so that's a triple scoop."

Scootaloo nodded. "Yup! I got my hush cream!"

Luna glowered at the widely grinning Alucard. She knew she'd never learn what it was, but she did know there was something to be angry about. "I'll punish you later," she told her husband firmly.

Alucard grinned widely. "Will you use the cat-o-nine-tails this time?" he begged.

She rolled her eyes. "Only if Scootaloo's at a friend's house."

Scootaloo didn't really understand what her parents were talking about when they talked like this, but they were happy, and that was enough for her. She danced off towards one of the games, and Luna and Alucard followed her happily.

After a time of walking, Alucard pulled out a necklace with a curiously configured black gem as the centerpiece. "Happy anniversary," he told Luna, hanging it around her neck.

She smiled as she gazed on it. "Do I want to know what the gem is?" she asked.

"I'll tell you later, but your sister's probably better off not knowing."

Chuckling, Luna tilted her head up, and Alucard lowered his face towards hers.

"OUCH!"

At the sound of Scootaloo's pained shout, both parents spun away from their kiss. Alucard's right arm morphed into a red and black cloud filled with angry eyes, waving like a serpent as it sought a target. Luna herself energized her horn as lightning flashed around her. "Who dares bring harm to our precious offspring?" she demanded, a sphere of white light crackling with electricity floating at the tip of her horn, ready to be thrown and obliterate whatever had earned her ire.

"I tripped throwing the spider and landed on my wing!" Scootaloo complained. "Geeze! Over reactive much, Mom? No one hurt me."

Luna dispersed her gathered magic and quickly scooped Scootaloo into her forelegs. "Don't worry, Scootaloo. Mommy will make it all better." Leaning in, she kissed Scootaloo's wing, leaving a touch of healing magic with the kiss. "Better?"

Scootaloo stared at her Mom flat eyed for a time. Then she sighed. "Wrong wing, Mom." Chuckling, Luna repeated the procedure on the other wing.

Alucard glanced around. "You mean I don't get to consign someone to a few moments of agonizing torment before draining them dry for hurting you?" He dispersed his magic as his arm returned to normal. "Way to get my hopes up, kid."

Scootaloo could only chuckle. Sure, her parents might be strange, but they loved her very much, and she loved them. As she bounced off with them to enjoy the rest of the night, she knew she wouldn't have it any other way.

Weirdly Normal

Scootaloo walked happily down the street with her parents. Inside, she was on Cloud Nine. For the first time since the day of her birth, her family was all together in one place, without anything hanging over their heads. Gazing up at the full moon, Scootaloo thanked whatever higher powers there were for such a wonderful gift.

However, she began to notice the gazes her parents were exchanging. She knew what those meant. It was their wedding anniversary, after all. Although she wanted to have more time with her family, she didn't want to be around when her Dad stopped holding back and started 'playing' with her Mom. And she didn't really want to get in the way of them enjoying the night either. "Mom! Dad!" she called out. "I'm going to go find Rainbow Dash, show her my awesome wings!" She flapped her wings again, still loving how they felt with the added span from the webbed region.

Alucard chuckled. "Alright. Go have fun."

"But be careful!" Luna added worriedly.

Scootaloo chuckled. "I will!" she called back to both of them, dashing away as she saw them starting to give each other goo-goo eyes. As much as she loved her parents and wanted to spend time with them, the last thing she wanted was to be around when they started getting mushy...because of where her Dad would be sure to lead that.

"You sure seem to be in a hurry, Squirt!" a voice called from above.

Scootaloo looked up. "Rainbow!" she said happily, seeing her idol on a low thundercloud, dressed as a Shadowbolt. Spreading her wings, Scootaloo tried a few experimental flaps, managing to get a bit of height. However, her muscles weren't used to moving such large wings, and she was rapidly growing sore.

Chuckling, Rainbow reached out a hoof and pulled her onto the cloud. "Cool costume, Scoot," she said. "How'd you get the wings to stay on like that?"

Scootaloo chuckled. "Actually...they're real. This is what I really look like. My usual appearance is the result of a spell to protect me from sunlight, since I'm vulnerable to it normally."

"You mean like a vampony?" Rainbow asked, her eyes going wide.

"A fuck-mothering vampony!" Scootaloo said proudly. "Well, I don't think I've quite earned the fuck-mothering part of the title yet..."

The prismatic Pegasus grinned widely. "That is so awesome!"

Scootaloo grinned widely. "Thanks," she said, glad this new side of her didn't leave Rainbow freaked out or anything like that.

"So..." Rainbow began carefully, "...you seemed in a real hurry to get away from your folks."

Scootaloo groaned. "Yeah. When they start looking at each other like that, it's a good idea to be elsewhere."

"What do you mean?"

She shook her head. "Well...have you ever known one of those couples who love each other way too much?"

Rainbow frowned as she puzzled Scoot's meaning then groaned. "Oh Luna's sweet flank, they're like my folks! It's why I moved out as soon as I could. I know your pain."

Scootaloo smiled that she didn't have to explain further. Then she frowned. "You think my Mom has a sweet flank?"

Rainbow blushed. "Umm...it's just an expression, you know...like 'Celestia's swollen teats'."

"Why would my aunt have swollen teats?" Scootaloo asked, tilting her head. "What are teats?"

As Rainbow groaned and face-hoofed, Alucard's laughter briefly echoed through Ponyville.

Luna and Alucard walked calmly through Ponyville, each with a huge smile on their faces as they kept glancing at each other. Alucard was the first to speak. "We have a very considerate daughter. I wonder where she gets that?"

Luna tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

"She gave us privacy," he replies easily. "Did you see how quickly she ran off to find Rainbow, leaving us alone?"

Luna blushed, putting a hoof to her mouth. "Oh my. I hope I did not make her feel unwelcome."

Alucard chuckled softly. "Nothing of the sort. She's just coming onto puberty, and nothing is more awkward to an adolescent than their parents getting lovey-dovey."

She chuckled in response. "I see your point." She then looked at her husband side on. "Although I must admit, I'm surprised you haven't moved our actions beyond 'lovey-dovey' just now."

He snickered. "Which of course you actually want."

"I won't deny the possibility," she replied archly.

Alucard rolled his eyes. "As much fun as that is - and don't get me wrong, it's tons of fun - there's more to us than that." He looked down at her seriously. "Luna, my heart may be still, dead, shrunken, moldering, decayed, puss-riddled, and bouncing around at random inside my chest to avoid any possible incoming stakes-"

A nearby stallion vomited from overhearing the descriptive imagery.

"Hey!" Alucard snapped at the stallion. "Trying to be romantic here!" He turned back to Luna. "Where was I?"

"Avoiding stakes," Luna replied curiously.

"Ah, yes. Anyway, my heart may be all that..." He knelt down to eye level with her. "But it is wholly thine," he spake formally, "and has been from the day I first laid eyes on thee."

Luna gasped. "Oh...Alucard...do you really mean that?"

He grinned. "Of course. Don't you remember how determinedly I pursued you? Did you think I was just desperate?" He gently stroked her cheek. "Always before in my past, when I first saw something, my reaction was always eat, kill, or fuck. Not with you."

Her eyes grew rather misty. "Oh Alucard..." She wrapped a foreleg and both wings around him, nuzzling into his neck. "You are rude, crude, socially unacceptable by any era, and completely without morals or scruples...but you always know just what to say to make me melt into your arms."

Smiling, Alucard wrapped his arms around her. "I'm just awesome like that." He licked her ear playfully.

She shivered in delight. "Bite me," she whispered eagerly.

Grinning, he opened his mouth wide...then suddenly burst into laughter.

Luna tilted her head. "What?" she asked, somewhat perturbed at the ruined mood, but curious.

"Our little hellspawn is being absolutely wicked! And to her big-sister-figure/idol no less! It's too funny!"

Luna rolled her eyes as she nuzzled into him, calmer this time. "You must be so proud," she said calmly, though inside she was pleased.

Doing the Mommy Thing

Scootaloo lay back in her bed, curled up and tucked in, wondering when sleep would claim her. Normally she wouldn't be so eager for sleep, but tonight her Mom had tucked her in and was reading her a bedtime story...and it was so boring.

"...and as Filly Red Trotting Hood stepped into the house, she heard a voice calling, 'Come in, child', and she was concerned, because it was not quite what she remembered her grandmother sounding like."

Scootaloo suppressed a sigh and pasted a smile on her face. She could handle this, it was for her Mom. Luna had seemed really excited at the idea of tucking her in and reading her a bedtime story...and Scootaloo hadn't the heart to point out she was almost 12 and had outgrown the need for such things years ago. Besides, her Dad was also in the room, and occasionally making silly comments that made the story more amusing, even if they did earn him glares from Luna.

"And Filly Red said, 'Grandmother, what thick fetlocks you have," Luna read aloud.

"Bet that's not all that's thick!" Alucard joked, grinning impudently at Luna's glare.

"'The better to groom you with, my dear-"

"Groom. Right."

After yet another glare, Luna continued. "Grandmother, what a wet nose you have," she read.

"Wow, this filly is stupid!" Alucard joked.

Luna ground her teeth. "Grandmother, what big ears you have!"

"And you know what they say about big ears!"

Luna started to glare at Alucard, then paused. "Do they really?" she asked, curious.

Alucard shrugged. "Pointy ears, actually, but the wolf's got those, too."

Luna rolled her eyes. "'Grandmother, what big teeth you have!' And the wolf replied, 'The better to eat you with my dear!' And-"

"And then they f-"

"Alucard!" Luna snapped, slamming the book shut. "I'm trying to read Scootaloo a bedtime story and you're ruining it with your commentary!"

"Please, Luna, that story is way too childish for a preteen like Scoot! She's bored out of her wits! I'm just trying to liven things up."

Luna looked towards Scootaloo. "Art thou truly...bored?"

Scootaloo tried to smile. "No, no...the story is...riveting..." She knew she couldn't get any sincerity into that.

Luna frowned, setting the book down. "Excuse me a moment," she said, turning to leave the room.

Alucard looked after her, then turned to Scootaloo. "Stay here," he said, turning to follow Luna.

Scootaloo blinked. "What did I do?" she wondered, worried.

Alucard found Luna in the bathroom, standing over the sink. "Whazzup?" he asked her.

"Not now, Alucard," she said, turned resolutely away from him.

He frowned. "Aww...come on..." He tried to look her in the eye, but she kept turning away. "Don't make me do the face! You know you can't resist it!" He started to arrange his facial features into a feline smile as he raised his hand like a paw.

"Alucard, please!"

He froze at that. When he next spoke, his voice was completely serious, all trace of humor gone. "Luna, look at me."

Luna turned to face him, seeing his face completely serious...as he saw the unshed tears in her eyes. Instantly, he pulled her into a warm, comforting embrace. "What's wrong?" he asked simply.

Unable to stop herself, Luna broke down and wept. "I...I missed so much!" she sobbed. "Nursing her, her first words, her first steps...she's my only daughter, but it feels like I can only call myself her mother in name!" She buried her face into Alucard's chest. "I don't know her favorite color, her favorite toy, her favorite subject in school...I don't know if she has a crush...I didn't even get to weigh in on choosing her name! And now I can't even read her a bedtime story properly!" She sobbed broken heartedly. "I'm a terrible mother..."

Alucard held her close, quietly shushing her as he stroked her back. "Don't cry, Luna. We can fix all this. I can't do much for what you missed, or helping you to be there for events that have passed...but I can show you those events as they happened, and we can help you learn about her anew. And maybe this was just the wrong story for her, given her age-"

"But it's my favorite," she whimpered. "I was so looking forward to reading it to her, and bonding with her over it..."

Alucard thought for a time, then snapped his fingers. "Then we just tweak it a little!"

She raised an eyebrow. "Like you were?"

"No! No no no no." He grinned widely. "We just change a few details to make it more accessible for Scootaloo while keeping the moral and theme the same, and the happy ending." He chuckled. "Also to make it more believable. Seriously, the only way the talking wolf works is if it's Filly Fluttershy Fainting Hood, and even then she knew the difference between a pony and a wolf dressed up as one."

Luna frowned. She hated that she had to admit he was right. Even saying it was a magic talking wolf didn't really work. "So what do we do then?"

Alucard grinned widely. "I'm going to work my magic, temporarily change the words in the book. You just read what you see. Trust me, the kid'll love it!"

Luna frowned suspiciously, but nodded. "Alright." She turned and headed back to Scootaloo's bedroom, smiling.

Scootaloo looked up at her with a wide smile. "Read me story, Mommy?" she pleaded, making her voice sound younger.

Luna blinked. "Scootaloo...why are you..." She wasn't sure how to say it.

Scootaloo gestured to her bat-like ears.

Luna blushed. "Oh." She walked forward. "Well, let's give this story another try, shall we?" She opened the book. "Little Red Riding Hood was-" She paused. "Little? Riding?" she asked Alucard in confusion.

"Keep reading."

Nodding, she continued. "Little Red Riding Hood was heading for the forest, eagerly pushing herself along on her scooter-"

Scootaloo gasped, suddenly becoming quite riveted. Her eyes glanced towards her own scooter.

Following her gaze, Luna smiled, now understanding Alucard's plan. "She knew the dangers of the forest, and wasn't about to take the wrong path. However, as she entered..."

In her mind's eye, Scootaloo saw the story take form.

As Little Red reached a fork in the path, a stranger stallion was there, leaning against a tree. "Where are you going, little one?" he asked kindly.

Little Red smiled. "I'm going to visit my grandmother down that way!" she said, pointing down the regular path.

The stallion chuckled. "And I thought I'd heard Little Red was adventurous."

"Hey!" Little Red snapped. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Only that I'd thought an adventurous filly would prefer that path," he said, gesturing down the other fork. "With all the hills and pits and perfect natural ramps for jumps and flips, I'd have though you'd love taking your scooter down that path. But if you're too chicken..."

"I'll show you who's chicken!" Little Red snapped, racing down the alternate path.

Once she was out of earshot, the stallion chuckled. "Too easy," he whispered, as his body shifted, claws sprouting from his hooves as his muzzle lengthened and his fur grew-

"He's an eqwolf?" Scootaloo gasped in shocked pleasure.

Luna grinned widely at seeing her enjoyment of the story. "Indeed. But there's more." She returned to the book.

The eqwolf ran through the woods, gathering his small pack. They were all young males, rambunctious, and not a stable pack yet. They needed to add a female to stabilize the pack, but none wanted an old, established mare who would make all sorts of rules and dominate them. They wanted a young filly they could train and warp to their ideal. And Filly Red was just on the verge of feminine ripeness, made to order for their desires. All that was left was to lay the trap.

When they reached the grandmother's cottage, they moved in quickly. The elderly mare didn't even have the chance to scream before they tore her apart and devoured her.

Luna and Scootaloo's eyes were both wide as Luna read that part. "But..." Luna begins. "But...isn't the grandmother supposed to be saved, too?" she asked, a little frightened.

Scootaloo, however, found herself with a different question. "How are they going to clean up all the blood?"

Luna blinked as she saw Alucard grin widely at that question. "I guess we'll keep reading and find out."

By the time Little Red had reached the cottage, the trap was set. A member of the pack was hidden in every cupboard, closet, and room surrounding the bedroom, and the pack alpha who had mislead her was in the bed, dressed in the grandmother's clothes and once more a pony in appearance, having made himself up to look like the grandma. "Come in child," he called as there was a knock on the door.

Little Red slowly approached the bed, setting down her basket and putting her scooter aside. "Grandma?" She paused, noticing something was off. "Grandma, what a thick coat you have."

The eqwolf in the bed cursed his eagerness that caused him to start to change. "The better to keep warm with, my dear. It is coming on winter." He did thank his quick thinking.

Little Red slowly approached the bed. "Grandma, what sharp hooves you have."

Noticing the slowly developing claws, the wolf replied, "The better to grip things with."

"Grandma, what big ears you have," Little Red wondered, starting to get suspicious.

"The better to hear you with, my dear." The wolf's ears twitched, signaling the pack to be ready to pounce.

Little Red reached the bed and stared at her 'grandma's jaw. "Grandma...what sharp teeth you have..."

The wolf grinned as the change completed. "The better to turn you with, my dear," he snarled, leaping from the bed.

Little Red screamed as the pack surrounded her. The alpha from the bed caught her, pinning her to the bed. Without thinking, she kicked out with both hind hooves, striking him at the fork of his hind legs, making him crumple with a whimper. However, she knew she was outnumbered, and feared for her life. "Help!" she screamed. "Daddy, help!"

As the wolves surrounded her, the wall of the cottage exploded inward. In strode her father, Big Red, already armed with his two guns as he looked over the now frozen wolves surrounding his daughter. With a wide grin, he leveled his weapons and spake his battle cry-

Luna stared at the book. "This can't be right. I can tell this is supposed to be you, Alucard, and you've never said anything like that in your life! Is that really the battle cry?"

Alucard grinned. "Yes. As Big Red, my battle cry is...:Long. Lasting. Freshness."

Luna and Scootaloo both blinked at him. "I don't get it," they both said together.

Alucard sighed. "Just roll with it."

-before pulling the triggers. With easy confidence he put a bullet right between the eyes of each and every eqwolf, the explosive silver killing them and blasting their heads open in the process. Before long, only the alpha remained. He reverted to stallion form to beg. "Please...have mercy!"

Big Red stepped between the stallion and his daughter. "Mine," he growled, swinging his flat hand. His magic surrounded it, slicing cleanly through the stallion's neck like a blade, and sending the head flying.

"Decapitation!" Scootaloo yelled happily, waving her hooves.

"Now don't you start," Luna groaned as Alucard laughed.

As Big Red held Little Red comfortingly, she looked up at him. "Where's Grandma?" she asked.

Smiling, Big Red happily cut open the bellies of each of the wolves, retrieving the pieces of the mare. Reassembling them, he reanimated the flesh golem the grandmother had always been-

"Wait, what?" Luna demanded in confusion.

Alucard grinned. "You said yourself that's obviously supposed to be me and Scoot in the story, and neither of us have a mother alive, so how else am I supposed to give her a grandma to visit?"

As Luna stared in perplexity, Scootaloo queried, "How come you haven't?"

"Yet," Alucard corrected.

"Couldn't you just ask somepony to act as her grandmother?" Luna demanded.

Alucard thought for a bit. "Only if I can make it fun!"

As Luna groaned, Scootaloo yawned. "G-great story," she said through the yawn.

Luna smiled. "And now it's time for little fillies to sleep," she said, leaning in to kiss Scootaloo on the forehead.

She was surprised as Scootaloo threw her forelegs and wings around her neck and pulled her into a tight hug. "I love you, Mom," she said quietly. "I don't care that you weren't there when I was younger, it wasn't your fault. And I wouldn't trade you for anyone. You're the best Mom I could have."

Tearing up again, Luna pulled Scootaloo close. "I love you, too, my sweet Night Angel."

Scootaloo smiled. "You know...maybe when I grow up and start my second life as an immortal...Night Angel would be a good name..." She slowly drifted off to sleep.

Luna couldn't help but beam.

Alucard smiled at her. "See? What'd I tell you."

Luna smiled at him. "You were right. How can I ever thank you?"

Alucard grinned maniacally. "I'll get the cat-o-nine-tails!" He raced out.

Chuckling, Luna soundproofed Scootaloo's room with a powerful spell. "Oh, you will get it!" she called as she chased after him.

Scootaloo smiled widely as she drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, Zecora was awakened from a sound sleep by a loud pounding on her door. "Still the din, I'll let you in!" she called, grumbling in her native tongue as she walked to the door. She then pulled it open.

The surprise of finding Alucard at her door was nothing compared to the surprise of his words. "Will you be my mommy?" he asked sweetly.

Zecora blinked several times. "...yes?" she finally managed to voice.

Alucard turned. "She said yes, Scoot!" he called. "You've got a grandma now!"

As Scootaloo raced up and hugged Zecora's leg, the zebra shaman stared from the vampire to the filly. "Will somebody tell me true...what have I gotten myself into?"

Family Matters

Alucard shook Scootaloo awake early the following morning. "Hey, squirt, it's time to wake up. Come on kid, if I need to be awake, so do you."

Scootaloo groaned, rolling over in her bed. "I thought you said I could stay home from school today..." she grumbled, folding her larger wings over her eyes to shield them from the light in the hall. She couldn't help but smile as she saw the larger span again.

"Not school," Alucard pointed out. "We've been summoned to the Canterlot royal palace."

Scootaloo shot to her hooves, rolling out of bed in the process. "What? Why?"

"No clue, but Luna's feeling pissy, so let's just do what she says, okay?"

"Alucard!" Luna shouted from the other room. "We're going to be late! Celestia is starting Day Court before sunrise today, and we're the first meeting of the day!"

"On it!" Alucard called, running his hand quickly through Scootaloo's mane to get rid of bed head, only to realize it's half ethereal nature made that futile and pointless. "Convenient," he mumbled before scooping her up. "Come on, you can eat while we fly-" He paused. "Scoot, sweetheart, you aren't ready for what my blood will do to you."

Scootaloo removed her fangs from his arm. "Then what did you mean about eating while we fly?"

"I meant grabbing you a sandwich-"

"Alucard!" Luna shouted. "Have you already started feeding her blood?"

"No..." Alucard said dryly, whistling innocently.

"Two scoops," Scootaloo whispered in his ear.

"I heard that!" Luna snapped.

"Busted," Alucard muttered.

Luna rolled her eyes. "We'll talk about this later," she grumbled. "For now, we have a chariot waiting!" She quickly led the way to the door...only to pause in shock.

Alucard pushed past her, and was surprised to see eight familiar ponies and a familiar dragonling waiting for them. "Uh...what are you all doing here?"

"Going with," Rainbow Dash said bluntly. "Obviously, Celestia wants to talk to the three of you about Scootaloo, and we want to make it plain where we stand on it."

"Indeed," Rarity spoke up. "While I don't always enjoy the antics that the girls get up to, I'd be remiss if I didn't help her to support one of her best friends. Beyond that, I need to be there for Luna."

Fluttershy had somehow snuck past Alucard to cuddle Scootaloo. "You're so cute," she whispered, nuzzling her mane, despite Scootaloo's wriggling.

"Mine!" Luna griped playfully, pulling Scootaloo from the shy mare's arms.

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy whimpered, only to smile as Luna stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry.

"Ain't never gonna be found wanting when it comes to holding a family together!" Applejack asserted.

"Besides, I need to throw a Family Reunion Party for the Royal Family now!" Pinkie bounced excitedly.

"We're gonna be there for ya, Scoot!" Apple Bloom asserted.

"Yeah!" Spike affirmed. "We won't let Celestia do anything bad to you!"

"We'll beat her up first!" Sweetie Belle proclaimed.

Alucard's eyes widened. "When do I get to foalsit these three?" he asked Luna excitedly.

Luna rolled her eyes. "While I appreciate all your support, I am unsure if we will all fit in the carriage."

Twilight smiled. "One of the benefits of gaining these," Twilight said, fluttering her still new wings. "I requisitioned a few extras."

Luna smiled. "Thank you Twilight."

The flight on the four carriages to Canterlot was rather uneventful - aside from Rainbow Dash flying alongside the carriages, occasionally doing tricks to keep up Scootaloo's spirits - and all the passengers were nervous as they arrived, the carriages letting them off in the throne room, where the entire Day Court - including all the nobles and Celestia on her throne - were gathered. This captured the attention of the entire group, so none immediately noticed the second full sized throne that had been set up next to Celestia's, which still sat empty.

Celestia glanced at the size of the approaching group. "Sister, we have something important we need to discuss." As the group arranged themselves, Celestia raised an eyebrow. "Princess Twilight Sparkle, what brings you and your friends here?"

Twilight smiled as they arranged themselves around Luna, Alucard, and Scootaloo. "Just wanted you to know where we stand, Princess Celestia," she replied, taking her cue from Celestia's formality. The noble's immediately began murmuring amongst themselves at that statement, discussing the political implications thereof.

Celestia nodded, a small smile on her face. "Sister...I owe you an apology." The entire court gasped. "1,000 years ago, I didn't fully understand your motives for your actions, and I made a terrible mistake. If you will allow me, I would like to attempt to make things right now."

Luna smiled, stepping forward. "I think it is past time we make things right, sister."

Celestia smiled happily. "Then please, dear sister, take your throne." She gestured to the throne beside her, colored in the dark blues of the night like hers was painted with the yellow of the sun. "The restoration work is finally finished"

Smiling, Luna walked up to her throne, seeing that the thickness of the cushions had been adjusted so that, when she sat upon the throne, she was at eye level with Celestia despite her sister's larger frame. The change to the throne was subtle, but the effect of visual equality immediately set the court to buzzing again.

Celestia smiled, leaning over to nuzzle Luna affectionately briefly, before turning back to the group. "Alucard, please step forward."

Alucard stalked up to in front of the dais. "'Sup, bitch?" he asked bluntly, making many of the nobles gasp.

"Alucard," Luna growled. "Behave."

He groaned. "Yes, dear."

Celestia sighed. "You have always been blunt and outspoken, Alucard. So I will treat you here in kind." She composed herself. "I don't like you, Alucard. Personally, I find you distasteful, crude, socially unacceptable, and deliberately provocative in the most delicate situations. Politically, you are a nightmare that Equestrian government can't afford."

"Oh, go on," Alucard said happily. "You're making me blush! Or, you would, if I was still capable of doing that."

Celestia groaned. "My point exactly." She took a deep breath. "However...you make Luna happy." As the nobles held their breath, she continued. "When she's with you, she is overjoyed, and the world is bright and wonderful for her, and that smile you give her is something I would give anything to keep on seeing. 1,000 years ago, I was more concerned with what was proper than with what made us happy, and that nearly cost me my sister. I know better now, and given the two of you are already bound in wedlock..." She managed a smile. "Welcome to the family."

The entire court gasped in shock, but Alucard grinned. Walking forward, he kneeled before the Solar Throne. "Your Highness, you honor me with this long overdue acknowledgement of familial ties, your denial of which nearly caused a civil war. Gladly do I embrace thee in familial love, and promise no daggers in my hands to find your back. Luna wouldn't like it. I do so solemnly swear to continue to serve the Lunar throne as a hunter of monsters that threaten the kingdom, while thumbing my nose at you and flaunting my now official status as Luna's Royal consort over the heads of all these asses who call themselves noble that I'm now officially better than them, like I was all along." As the nobles all gasped, he turned to a nearby donkey. "Offense."

"Shove it up your ear," the donkey grumbled.

Celestia shook her head as she chuckled. "Alucard, I doubt if you could make things here any more awkwardly humorous if you were singing Pinkie's Piggy Song."

Alucard grinned as he spun to face the nobles, an audible 'zip!' their only warning. "First you wiggle your tail, oink oink oink!"

His song was interrupted by startled shouts and exclamations.

"That's not a tail!" AJ proclaimed.

Rarity fainted.

"Oh...my," Fluttershy gasped out, blushing.

Rainbow Dash fell on her back, laughing hysterically.

"So that's what it looks like," Twilight commented in fascination as she continued her studies of new species.

"Wowie zowie!" Pinkie gasped out. "No wonder Luna likes him so much!"

"Applejack!" Apple Bloom complained. "Why are you covering mah eyes? He's just singing one of Pinkie's songs."

"Trust me," Scootaloo commented, covering her own and Sweetie's eyes with her wings, "you don't want to see."

Alucard continued to sing and shake about. "Then you wriggle your snout, oink oink oink. Then you wiggle your rump!" He spun around. "Oink oink oink!"

Luna groaned. "Alucard, put your damn pants back on!"

"Oh, nice buns!" Pinkie commented happily.

"And shout it out, oink oink oink!" Alucard finished at the top of his voice, pulling his pants back up as Luna instructed.

Celestia sighed. "I sit corrected. Please stand aside now, I have someone else to address." As Alucard stepped to Luna's side, Celestia continued. "Scootaloo, please step forward."

Gulping nervously, Scootaloo stepped up to the foot of the dais.

Celestia then turned to Luna. "Sister, do you recognize your daughter?" she asked, putting peculiar emphasis on that word.

"What do you mean?" Luna asked confused. "Of course I know my own-oh!" She let out a soft gasp as she realized what Celestia was saying. "Yes, I recognize Scootaloo, my daughter by my husband, Alucard, born to lawful wedlock."

Twilight let out a gasp that was echoed by several nobles as they all realized where this was going. Celestia turned to Scootaloo. "Then so too do I recognize thee...Princess Scootaloo," she said formerly.

The entire court was filled with gasps as they realized what this meant. Not only was the Lunar throne now officially reinstated as the second half of the Diarchy...but it had an officially recognized heir. Scootaloo...had been declared the Lunar Crown Princess, heir apparent to Princess Luna.

Celestia had one more surprise up her metaphorical sleeve. "And to welcome you to the family, I have a gift for you." She levitated a small pendant in her magic, a stylized sun hanging from a silver chain. She hovered it over to set it around Scootaloo's neck...at which point the pendant absorbed the solar magic surrounding it. Luna let out a gasp.

Celestia turned her eyes to the sky...and raised the sun.

Alucard quickly moved to reapply Scootaloo's Sun Protect, but Luna stopped him, realizing what Celestia had done.

The sunlight slowly flowed across the floor. Scootaloo stared at it nervously as it approached her, but it moved too fast for her to dodge out of the way. And then it touched her hoof...and nothing happened. She stared at the sun on her hoof as she carefully stepped into the light, feeling the warmth of the sun mirrored from her pendant.

"With the Sun's Blessing," Celestia intoned, "you are joined with the Royal Family."

Scootaloo stared up at her in awe.

"What?" Celestia asked, a mischievous smile on her face. "No hug for your Auntie?"

Smiling widely, Scootaloo leaped, wrapping her forelegs around her happy Aunt.

Politics and Socialites

The rest of the day at the palace was more headaches than Scootaloo was willing to put up with. None of the nobles were willing to accept the idea that a former peasent was suddenly - and legitimately by their own rules - so far above their petty struggles of rank and social standing as to make them insignificant. On the other hoof, none of them were willing to risk invalidating their own laws of rank inheritance in order to topple her. As such, most of the remainder of the morning was spent listening to various nobles stating various sophistry come up with on the fly to invalidate Scootaloo's status as a royal heir, each more ridiculous than the last. The new Princess did her best to ignore most of them and just sit with her friends on the Royal Dias as they tried to catch up on their sleep. However, some caught their attention, mostly because Alucard decided to counter them his way.

"She cannot be a Royal Princess!" one of the nobles cried. "Only an alicorn can be a royal princess!" He then proceeded to cite Twilight's 'ascension' - which the same group of nobles objected to on principal anyway - as precedent.

Alucard promptly stuck an ice cream cone to Scootaloo's forehead. "There, now she's got a horn!" he said as it slipped down her forehead, where she promptly began to eat. "Happy?" Though the noble looked ready to bluster, Alucard's piercing eyes and disconcerting grin silenced him.

"She can't be Royalty!" a noble mare complained. "She knows nothing of protocol or diplomacy! What if she offends an ambassador or a dignitary? Think of the scandal!"

"Who cares if we offend lunch?" Alucard spoke up, grinning widely.

"She can hardly be a legitimate heir," a rather foolish noble called, "when she was sired by a common brute of a thug like that!"

The air in the throne room suddenly went chill as Alucard stood up. He raised his hands with his guns gripped tight and cocked. "I think you should reconsider how you address the No-Life King," he growled as dark miasma floated up out of the floor, along with the howls of tortured, damned souls.

"Let's get out of here," Scootaloo whispered to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. "Daddy's got his war face on."

As they fled the throne room, Alucard began his tirade. "I killed a lot of people to earn that title, and you will respect it, you gutless, puling, overfed, pompous, weak willed, nerfherders!"

Scootaloo and her friends fled as nobles began flying about the court room and screaming in fear, some without the aid of their own wings.

"Won't you get your husband under control?" Celestia begged of her sister.

"Why?" Luna asked. "Tell me this isn't the most fun you've had in the Royal Court since I came back."

Celestia lowered her head as she smirked. She couldn't deny it.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders, in the meantime, had fled into the rest of the palace. "Where's the kitchens?" Apple Bloom asked. "I mean, I'm used to waking up before dawn for chores, but we didn't have time for breakfast before leaving. I'm starving!"

"Me too!" Sweetie Belle confirmed. "Rarity spent so much time picking an outfit for being in Court that we didn't eat anything."

"I was too nervous in flight to eat what Mom and Dad packed me," Scootaloo admitted.

"And here I thought you were too distracted by Rainbow's tricks," Apple Bloom teased.

Scootaloo blushed. "That, too." She blinked. "Sweetie, why are you poking my cheeks?"

"You can still blush?" Sweetie Belle asked, intrigued. "I thought you were a vampony?"

"According to Dad, I'm technically a damphir," Scootaloo explained. "Half vampire, half...well, in my case, half other immortal. I also have a reflection." She grinned at herself as they passed a mirror. "And with this pendant from Aunt Celestia," she continued, touching the Sun's Blessing around her neck, "I don't have to worry about sunlight anymore. And that was the only vampire weakness I had."

"So do you drink blood?" Apple Bloom asked as they continued down the corridor.

"Not fresh," Scootaloo explained. "Dad's been feeding me some over my pasta, thickened to work as a sauce. Mom's probably going to put a stop to that, though." She sighed. "I was looking forward to the dark magic powers I was going to develop."

Sweetie Belle gulped. "D-dark magic?" she asked, frightened.

"Whoa, whoa!" Scootaloo hastened to reassure her. "There's dark magic and dark magic. One is dark because it feeds on negative emotions and corrupts the wielder, and the other is dark because it derives from the energies of unlife, the world beyond the grave, and the powers of the night. I've got the second kind.

"Oh," Sweetie said with relief. "After what happened with Trixie and the Alicorn Amulet..."

"Yeah," Scootaloo replied, walking backwards, "I can see why that would be a concern."

As she wasn't looking where she was going, she didn't see a certain pompous noble - one who refused to awaken before sunrise, no matter what and had thus missed the announcement at the early Day Court - coming around the corner with his white nose in the air. As a result, she walked right into him and they both tumbled to the ground.

"Ow! How dare you trip me, peasant!" Blueblood snarled, pushing himself to his hooves and striking Scootaloo on the cheek on the backswing.

"OW!" she cried in pain, clutching her bruised cheek. "That hurt you son of a bitch!" she cried, using one of her father's more common oaths in her frustration.

Blueblood gasped. "How dare you besmirch my name!" he proclaimed, insulted. "Guards! Arrest these ruffians and drag them before my aunt!"

The guards who caught up at that point, however, had been well briefed regarding Celestia's plans for this morning, partially in anticipation of just such a situation. One of them had even been present the night prior when Celestia had forged the pendant Scootaloo now wore. As such, the four guards bowed. "What can we do for you, Your Royal Highness?" one asked.

"I just told you-wait, Royal?" Blueblood asked in confusion.

Scootaloo rubbed her cheek. "He hit me," she whimpered, the pain in her cheek still fresh, although the cut left by Blueblood's silver hoofshoe was already starting to seal itself up and the bruise was fading.

Much to Blueblood's shock, the guards promptly kicked his knees out from under him and had him pinned to the ground. "You are under arrest for striking the heir to the Lunar Throne!" one barked at Blueblood, looking a mite too pleased to finally be able to take the spoiled Prince to the ground. "As per the Old Laws, you shall be flogged for your impertinence!"

"F-flogged?" Blueblood gasped in fear. "Y-you wouldn't dare!"

"You're lucky you're a noble!" another guard growled. "According to those same laws, if you weren't the punishment would be the removal of the limb that had struck the Crown Princess." The law in question dated back to the pre-unification era, and the laws from that era were quite brutal.

"A flogging will teach you respect for the heir to the Lunar Throne!" the last guard barked out.

Blueblood whimpered, quickly realizing what was about to happen. He had long thought himself invincible because he was a Prince...but the truth was that he was just the highest ranked noble of Canterlot. Even the lowest rank Royal was still so far above him they might as well walk on him on their way to breakfast.

"Wait!" Sweetie Belle called out. She walked up and whispered in Scootaloo's ear for a time.

Scootaloo listened for a time, then giggled loudly. She then walked up to the leader of the squad of guards and whispered in his ear. Only his training kept him from splitting into loud guffaws. As it was, his lips still quivered as Scootaloo reached the end. "And get it recorded!" she finished. "I want to watch it later."

"It shall be done!" the guard asserted. "Is there anything else we can do for you and your friends, Your Royal Highness?"

"Where's the kitchens?" Apple Bloom asked. "We're starving!"

The youngest of the guards - the one who had taken such pleasure in kicking Blueblood's legs out from under him - chuckled and saluted. "I'll take them, sir!"

The lead guard nodded. "Right! Come along, cur!" he barked, dragging Blueblood off in the formation.

The three Crusaders grinned as they were led off into the kitchen.

The chaos in the throne room as Alucard vented his spleen non-lethally on the gathered nobles was interrupted as Blueblood walked in. He was pushed in by a squad of Royal Guardsponies, the ones normally tasked with his protection. Everyone knew something was up, mostly because the Prince was wearing a tutu.

Gulping, Blueblood walked up to the Royal Dias where the Diarchs, Alucard, and the Harmony Bearers were gathered. Swallowing convulsively, he began to sing and dance.

Alucard burst out laughing, falling onto his back as the other nobles were released from the terror of his magic. "He's like a chubby little pixie!" he gasped out, before falling into laughter again.

Celestia glanced towards the head of the guard squad. "What is the meaning of this?" she asked mildly.

"He was placed under arrest for striking the Crown Princess," the guard explained. "We would have had him flogged, but she chose this as a merciful alternative."

Celestia and Luna were torn internally between anger at Blueblood striking Scootaloo and amusement at the choice of punishment. Alucard, knowing that Blueblood couldn't have really hurt Scootaloo now that she was fully in tune with her power, felt free to continue laughing and schedule a private vengeance for later.

Several hours later, Scootaloo and her friends were back in Ponyville. Given the excitement of the morning, she wasn't allowed to skip school like she'd been hoping. However, school hadn't been too bad as no one had made a fuss over her new status yet, and now it was lunch time. Holding her lunch in her still somewhat weak dark magic grip - a rather noticeable blood-red-almost-black aura that matched her mane - she went looking for Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.

"Hey, Scootaboo," a voice called out to her.

Turning, her eyes fell on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, both wearing their most winsome expressions. "It's Scootaloo," she growled.

"Right, sorry," Diamond Tiara said, leaving Scootaloo somewhat stupefied. "Anyway, we were wondering if you wanted to sit with us?"

"We could talk about all sorts of things," Silver Spoon added, "maybe go for milkshakes later?"

Scootaloo frowned as she figured out what this was about. "What kind of pony do you take me for?" she asked coldly.

Both fillies blinked. "What do you mean?" Diamond asked.

"Seriously, every day before this you can't wait to tease me about being a Blank Flank and not being able to fly yet," Scootaloo pointed out coolly. "Then the day my status as Luna's heir is made official, you ask me to hang out. I'd have to be an idiot to not see the connection there, and know the only reason you're making this offer is because now I have social and political clout. And if I do see that, the only reason I could possibly want to hang out with you two would be to mooch off of you. So what kind of pony do you think I am? An idiot, or a mooch?"

The two spoiled brats winced at her mini-tirade. Finally, Silver spoke up. "Umm...yes?"

Scootaloo smirked, turned away, and headed over to where her friends were waving to her. She doubted they would attempt any sort of social vengeance for her snubbing them.

And even if they did, they have to sleep sometime.

Kitty!

Alucard sat back in his chair at the kitchen table, flipping through the Canterlot Times. It had been a few days since Scootaloo had been recognized as Luna's heir, and things in Ponyville were settling down back to a semblance of normal. Just about anywhere else, this would have meant being boring, but this was Ponyville; 'boring' was the last adjective anyone would use to describe everyday life there. Coming to a rather amusing part of the paper, Alucard chuckled wickedly.

"And what do you find so amusing?" Luna asked as she stepped in through the front door, Scootaloo looking somewhat downtrodden at her side.

"The funnies," Alucard replied, grinning like a loon.

Luna walked over curiously. "The Canterlot Times? I was not aware they had a comics page." She glanced over his shoulder. "That's the political news section." She glanced at a headline. "'Nobles Denounce New Royal Heir, No One Cares'?"

"Like I said," Alucard replied. "The funnies!" He then turned the page again, before cracking up laughing at the next headline.

Blueblood, the Musical

Below the headline was a picture captured of Blueblood as he danced his punishment for striking Scootaloo, and the article discussed how the video taken of the event - on Princess Scootaloo's orders - would be released to certain select movie production companies for use in creating a satire film about the prince...and Blueblood himself was under orders from Celestia to fund the production from his own coffers.

Luna couldn't help but laugh at that. "Scootaloo, come here. I think this might cheer you up."

Scootaloo immediately approached, glancing at the article. After reading for a bit, she smiled, chuckling quietly.

Alucard blinked. "Wait, why's my little dark angel need cheering up?" he asked, dropping the paper to hold Scootaloo. "What's wrong, snookums?"

Scootaloo sighed. "It's...it's nothing, Dad."

"Aww!" Alucard complained. "Don't be like that, sweetums. I want to cheer you up, but I can't shoot Nothing in the head! It doesn't have one!"

Scootaloo chuckled helplessly. Luna then spoke up. "After she was released from school, we were talking, and she expressed certain desires I felt should be addressed."

Alucard tilted his head. "Luna, if she's too young to drink blood, I'ma have to put my foot down on taking her to a brothel."

Luna's cheeks turned bright red. "Not that kind of urges! She's only 11!"

Scootaloo tilted her head in confusion. "What's a brothel?"

"Never mind!" Luna said quickly, giving Alucard a glare that he ignored. Sighing, she continued. "As I understand it, before we were both consistently available to her for caregiving in this modern era, she more or less took care of herself."

"She was quite good at it," Alucard confirmed. "Makes me so proud."

Luna smiled sadly. "True. At any rate, with our return to her life, that burden has eased, and she has expressed a desire to have someone to take care of. As I feel her new royal status calls for her to learn responsibility for others, so I took her to Fluttershy's so she could choose a pet for herself."

"Fluttershy'd make a pretty good pet," Alucard suggested with a wide grin.

"Can you be serious?" Luna demanded.

"Only when it's important," he replied with a soft smile. Luna rolled her eyes.

"The animals were all afraid of me," Scootaloo mumbled.

Reaching out, Alucard gently pet the filly's head. "Yeah, something you'll need to get used to now that your vampirism is released. Most animals are scared of vampires...or vamponies in your case."

Scootaloo nuzzled into her father's caress. "The only ones who weren't were the bats, and they were more respectful than affectionate. I want a pet who wants to play with me, not bow and scrape. I'm gonna get enough of that when I grow up." She sighed sadly. "I was at least hoping a turtle or tortoise - or one of the other longer lived reptiles - would like me."

"Why longer lived?" Luna asked.

Scootaloo looked up at her mother flat-eyed. "Mom, you're an immortal alicorn, and Dad is an immortal vampire. I don't need to be Twilight Sparkle to figure out that short of being killed, I'm going to be around for a really long time." She sighed. "I was hoping to find a friendly pet to be in it for the long haul...or at least a good portion of it."

Luna nodded sadly. "I had also recommended a reptile pet as they tend to be more durable than other varieties of domestic animals. Given how you and your friends have a penchant for accidental devastation, t'woud be best if your pet was as durable as you, or close to it." Despite Luna's best efforts, every so often some Olde Speech slipped into her daily conversation...partially because Alucard found it adorable.

The vampire lord in question, however, was rubbing his chin in thought. "An immortal, near indestructible pet that is more playful than respectful..." He suddenly grinned, snapping his fingers. "Stay right here, sugar-bunches, I'll be right back with the best pet you could ever ask for!" Before Luna or Scootaloo could react, he raced downstairs past a door labeled 'Dark Magic Lab: Scary Butt Fun'.

Deep in his lab, Alucard stood before the circle he had crafted for his more dangerous magical experiments at Luna's insistence. Now, this was not to say he didn't experiment with dark magic elsewhere - like in the Everfree - but if there was something he was toying with that ran the risk of warping reality or was similarly dangerous, he did it down here where the circle contained it.

"Hmm..." He stroked his chin in thought. "Let's see...how will I go about doing this...magic here works a little differently than it did back in England, so this will be a little tricky..." After a time of thought, he lifted a silver knife etched with dark runes from a table. Calmly slitting his wrist, he trailed his blood over the design of the circle. Once it was finished, the design glowed before becoming a red and black hole in the floor opening into absolute darkness.

"Let's see if this works," Alucard mumbled under his breath. Taking his bloody hand, he plunged it into the hole up to his elbow. As soon as his hand passed the level of the floor, it vanished from sight into darkness. He felt around in the darkness for a time. "Aha! There you are!" Leaning back, he extracted his arm.

Clutched in his hand was a blonde head with cat ears. Following the head, Alucard pulled out a human appearing - except for the cat ears - young man, dressed in a military uniform modified to shorts and short sleeves. The only sign of identity was the Nazi insignia on the end of his sleeve.

As the hole in the floor closed up, Alucard gave the unmoving figure a shake. "Hey! Boy/girl thing! Wake up!"

The figure slowly opened his eyes. The pale purple orbs blinked up at Alucard. "G-guten tag?" he asked in confusion. "I...I am me again? Ze last thing I remember is darkness...and being only one of many..." He shuddered. "I am...free?" The figure suddenly vanished. Frowning, Alucard did too.

In the back yard, Alucard reappeared behind the one he'd pulled from his own power. "Now hold up there!" he said, tugging on his magic. A magical chain appeared between his hand and where it seemed to be wrapped around the young figure's neck. "Don't go pulling your vanishing act on me. Not only will it not work, since I can still follow you, but I can choke it off easy like so. And if you prove not worth the trouble, I'll-"

"Mein gott!" the figure proclaimed, staring towards Canterlot.

"You don't have a god!" Alucard proclaimed.

"I am in Equestia?" the young undead queried in shock.

Alucard blinked. "Uh...yeah. I brought you here-"

The former Millenium member suddenly fell to all fours and began kissing Alucard's feet. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you-"

Alucard grinned. "Well, I'm all for worship, but-"

The ex-Nazi warped back into the Dark Magic Lab, quickly followed by Alucard. "Suck it, van Winkle!" he was shouting, pointing at the circle. "I told you the fics had it right, and suicide would get me here better than death-by-monster!"

Alucard couldn't help but chuckle at that point. "Alright, alright, hold your horses-"

"Ponies!" the young man corrected, his eyes shining.

"-boy/girl thing-"

"Schrodinger," the young seeming boy offered.

Alucard blinked. "Whatever. Anyway, as for why I let you out, Luna took our daughter to-"

"You are married to best Princess?" Schrodinger squealed happily. "Please tell me I'll get to meet her? And the Crusaders! Zey are ze best ponies!" He rubbed his check nervously. "Scootaloo's always been my favorite."

Alucard blinked. "Huh. Well, that's good news. She's my daughter, and you get to be her pet." Schrodinger gasped happily, his eyes shining. "Just as soon as I'm sure you will behave-"

Schrodinger ripped off the swastika armband from his uniform and replaced it with a plain white band with a black circle marked with a white crescent moon as an emblem, a symbol Alucard recognized as Luna's royal crest. "Cross my heart," Schrodinger said quickly as he did the motions, "hope to fly, stick a cupcake in mine eye, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever hurt Scootaloo!" His eyes shined. "Eee! I get to call best pony Mistress!"

Alucard chuckled. "Alright, come on up." Gripping Schrodinger by the scruff of his neck, he carried him upstairs. "Scootaloo! I have the perfect pet for you!"

Scootaloo came racing up. "Oh my gosh!" She skittered to a halt, staring at Schrodinger. "Umm...what?"

Alucard dropped Schrodinger in front of her. "This boy/girl cat thing's your pet now. Also double as your familiar."

"My name is Schrodinger, Mistress," Schrodinger added, smiling widely.

Scootaloo tapped her chin as Luna entered. "I'm gonna call you Jerry," Scootaloo said at last. "Schroda-whatever's too much of a mouthful."

"Okay, Mistress!" Jerry replied happily.

"So this is the immortal pet?" Luna asked, looking Jerry over curiously.

"Not just immortal!" Alucard boasted. Pulling out his gun, he promptly shot Jerry in the head, sending him sprawling in a bloody mess.

Scootaloo stared, her jaw hanging. Luna gasped. "Alucard! What are you-"

"Ole!" Alucard proclaimed, waving his coat between them and the body. When they could see where the body had fallen again, there was no body, and not even a drop of blood. Scootaloo tilted her head in confusion as Luna stared.

"Here Mistress!" Jerry said happily from behind her, completely unharmed.

Scootaloo spun around, gasping in excitement. "That was awesome!" she yelled happily. "Do it again!"

Grinning from ear to ear, Alucard cocked his gun. Luna facehoofed.

The next day, Cheerilee smiled down at her class. "Alright everypony, today is Show and Tell. Who wants to go first?"

Scootaloo waved her hoof along with the rest of the class. "Oh, me!" she called out.

Cheerilee chuckled indulgently. "Alright, Scootaloo. Come up to the front and tell us what you have to share."

Scootaloo ran up to the front. "I brought my new pet kitty, Jerry!"

Cheerilee smiled. "Really? So where is-"

Jerry hopped out from behind the desk, making Cheerilee jump, as she was certain there had been nothing behind the desk a moment ago. "You called, Mistress?" he asked Scootaloo.

Scootaloo grinned. "This is Jerry. He's a magical respawning boy/girl-cat-thing, according to my Dad. Say hi to the nice ponies, Jerry."

Jerry smiled. "Hi nice ponies," he said, waving.

As the whole class stared, Cheerilee regained control of herself. "Say hi to Jerry, my little ponies."

The entire class waved. "Hi Jerry," they said together.

Smiling, Jerry waved again. "Hi Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon."

Cheerilee blinked. "Why did you say that?"

"It would be rude not to say hi back," Jerry pointed out logically.

"But..." Cheerilee began, confused. "But you just said hi to them."

"No," Jerry corrected, "I only said hi to the nice ponies."

Scootaloo chuckled as the rest of the class - save two - giggled. As those two in question glowered, Jerry grinned at them...a grin that was reminiscent enough of Scootaloo's father to discourage thoughts of vengeance.

One thing Scootaloo knew. Crusading was going to be a lot more fun from now on.

Siblings

Scootaloo grinned widely as she raced around, searching for Jerry. They were playing hide and seek, and Jerry was exceptionally good at that game even when he wasn't using his abilities to pop in and out of places like Pinkie Pie (a detail that had set Twilight on another desperate study of Pinkie's unique abilities). They'd taken it into the Everfree Forest, since between Scootaloo's building magic and Jerry's unique nature, things in the Forest fell into two categories: things that couldn't hurt them; and things with enough recognition capability and sense to not cross something that shared Alucard's energy.

Scootaloo paused as her magical senses picked up something...familiarly unfamiliar. She focused on the sense, trying to sort it out. Eventually, she came to a conclusion. She was feeling a vampiric power, and one she hadn't encountered before. Her eyes lit up eagerly as she rushed towards the source, since she knew this would be something awesome that either she and Jerry could handle or would bring her father. So either she got to have an awesome battle, or she got to witness an even more awesome battle. Win win.

As she reached the source of the sensation, the air ripped open in front of her and a young humanoid woman fell out, clutching part of a desiccated, drained corpse. "God save the queen, ice bitch," the woman growled as she dropped the body, which dissolved into dust.

Scootaloo took in the figure as she stood up. She was dressed in a yellow outfit that in pattern somewhat resembled Trottingham's police uniforms, had bright yellow hair, glowing red eyes, and larger curves than Alucard had that one time Scootaloo had walked in on her parents genderswapped.

(Luna (or Artemis, as 'Girlycard' insisted on calling 'him' then) had freaked out about explaining it, but Scootaloo had simply asked for some money for the latest Cutie Mark attempt before walking back out. It was hardly the strangest thing she'd expected when she'd opened the bedroom door when it was ajar. ...not for the first time, Scootaloo wondered if she was excessively disturbed or extremely well adjusted. With Alucard as her Dad, she had to be one or the other.)

Turning her attention away from her thoughts and back to the vampire woman in front of her, Scootaloo observed that her dark magic seemed abnormally focused into her left arm, not unlike when Alucard was about to unleash one of his familiars. Shrugging, Scootaloo decided to address the figure in proper fuck-mothering vampony style. "Yo, big-tittied police girl!" she called out, remembering what Alucard had called the upper body curves.

The woman twitched, her eyes narrowing. "I have a name!" she screamed out, a soft British accent giving her voice a pleasant timbre save for the fact she was screaming in rage as she spun towards Scootaloo. "You are..." Her voice trailed off as she caught sight of Scootaloo. "...fucking adorable!" she squealed out eagerly, rushing forward.

Scootaloo leapt back, catching a branch with her tail and yanking herself into the tree. "Stay back police girl! I don't want to be crushed to death in your big tits, I don't swing that way!"

"I have a name!" the woman repeated angrily.

"And so do I, but we're both still lacking!" Scootaloo snapped back.

The woman glared into Scootaloo's eyes for a time, and Scootaloo got a sense of her abilities. She was easily on the same scale as Alucard, though a good deal lower on said scale. This was rather concerning if Alucard didn't show up soon. Thankfully, she knew the Sun's Blessing was protecting her from the return probe, beyond showing that she was vampiric in nature.

The woman relaxed with a smile. "You're right, that was rude of me. I'm Seras Victoria."

"Scootaloo."

Seras squeed again. "I was right. You are fucking adorable!"

"And you're still a big-tittied police girl," Scootaloo snapped back.

Seras twitched visibly. "...look, I think we got off to the wrong foot. Let's try this again. There's someone here I'm trying to find, and you can help me...either by telling me what you know about him, or by giving me that knowledge when I drink all of your blood."

"Yeah...Dad wouldn't like it if you tried that," Scootaloo replied with a shrug. "I could feel your power and you're good...but not that good. Besides, then Mom and my Aunt would step in. Good luck facing flesh-and-blood goddesses." That's how her Dad had explained the relation between his own power and that of the Diarchs, so she figured this would be a good way to explain it here.

Scootaloo wasn't sure what Seras' expression was, but she deduced it was an attempt at going pale without the benefit of blood draining. "R-right...look, I'm looking for a man in a red trenchcoat-"

"The No Life King fuck-mothering vampire?" Scootaloo interrupted.

"Yes! You know him?" Seras responded eagerly.

Scootaloo giggled impishly. "Oh, quite well. I can take you right to where he lives. Follow me!" With that, she turned and headed for town, sending a mental command (that ability was so useful) to Jerry to meet her there, calling the game on account of tits. She wasn't surprised this made Jerry laugh uproariously.

It wasn't long before Scootaloo reached her house, and to her surprise Seras had kept up with her every step of the way. Chuckling to herself, she pushed the door open.

"Oh there you are, Scoots!" Alucard spoke up as he came to the door. "Think you can take care of yourself again? I'm trying to convince your Mom you don't need a sitter, but-" He blinked as he caught sight of Seras. "Police girl! I missed those tits!"

"I...I'd rather you addressed me by name, Master," Seras spoke up in embarrassment.

Master? Scootaloo thought in surprise. Dad sired her? This should be interesting.

"Huh, I probably should, all things considered," Alucard admitted. "How'd you get here, anyway?"

"I finally got sick of Integra yelling at me and pushing me around, drained her dry, and used the power boost and her call history to get a lock on where you were so I could find you," Seras explained bashfully. "I...guess I missed by a bit."

"Nah, I dropped my phone in the Forest after the bitch called me-" Alucard began.

"Alucard!" Luna snapped from in the house. "What have I told you about teaching Scootaloo bad words?"

"Not where you can hear it so you can have plausible deniability!" Alucard called back. "But forget about that, I found us a sitter!"

"Sitter?" Seras asked in confusion. "I don't-"

Luna stepped to the door. "A sitter? Who-...Alucard, who is this woman?"

"It's Seras of the big tits in uniform," Alucard explained. "I've told you about her."

"Oh yes!" Luna continued with much more warmth. "So she's going to be watching over Scootaloo during our date?"

"Date?" Seras whimpered, tilting her head in confusion.

"Yup!" Alucard confirmed. He turned to Scootaloo. "Now be good for your big sis, okay little night angel?"

"Big sister?" Scootaloo squealed in excitement.

"Big...sister...?" Seras whimpered as she sank to her knees.

Luna tilted her head. "She seems...broken," she observed worriedly.

"She'll get over it!" Alucard proclaimed dismissively as he and Luna vanished.

"Bye Mom! Bye Dad!" Scootaloo called into the magic vortex as it faded. "See you when you get back!"

"Mom?" Seras murmured in shock. "Dad?"

Scootaloo turned to look at her sister in concern. She rubbed her chin as she tried to figure out what was wrong with her.

"But...Master...I..."

Scootaloo let out a soft grunt as she put it together. "Didn't realize till now the sire relationship was paternal?" she asked comfortingly.

"He never acted like it was!" Seras complained irritably. She then paused. "Well, as far as I know, anyway. Master is..."

"Yeah, that sums it up nicely," Scootaloo confirmed. "Dad is. So...what do you want to do?"

"Bemoan the fact that the man I'd pinned most of my hopes for a future involving a bond of shared love and physical intimacy with thinks of himself as my father and he's probably the only even remotely humanoid being in this entire world which I don't have enough magic to escape, meaning I'm trapped here as an eternal alien virgin who will likely always be childless as the local deities probably frown on random vampiric turnings?" Seras groaned morosely.

Scootaloo blinked. "Wow. Mood swing, much?"

"Yeah...I was damaged goods when Master turned me," Seras explained. "Still getting used to actually having the power to fix things...and the whole 'immortal/blood-sucking' thing." She leaned back against the wall of the house. "God I could use a good fuck..."

"The babies would still be beautiful, fräulein," Jerry observed from the roof, purring softly.

Seras yelped as she leapt away. "You're dead!" she proclaimed in confusion.

"I was brought back to be Mistress' pet," Jerry explained.

"This is Jerry!" Scootaloo explained. "He's my kitty."

Seras stared at Jerry for a time. Finally, she turned to Scootaloo. "Do your folks swing?"

"I don't know what that means," Scootaloo pointed out.

"They do not," Jerry supplied. "Surprisingly enough, they are fully dedicated to each other to the exclusion of awareness of other options."

Seras sighed. "...yes, I apparently am that desperate," she grumbled as she walked into the house, dragging Jerry after her by his tail. "...is this bit new?"

Scootaloo blinked for a time. "So...my big sister is going to have sex with my pet kitty," she observed calmly. "And...my only thought is that Dad would probably want me to get it recorded. Disturbed or well adjusted...probably both." Turning, she went looking for Featherweight.

Author's Note

Alucard has informed me that readers who comment only with "It's Alive!" or the like will be fed to Seras Victoria. You have been warned.

Also, further updates on this story will be "as I get ideas".

Responsibility

Luna sighed thoughtfully as she stared across her desk at the man who sat there. Yes, man, as she had to remind herself. She had deliberately brought another human to this world. She doubted Celestia would be pleased, but if things worked out as she hoped, it would smooth things over. In the meantime, it was time for the major reason she'd brought him here...a job interview. "My apologies for not giving you more notice before summoning you," she began carefully.

"No need for that, Your Highness," the elderly man offered urbanely. "After Miss Victoria terminated my previous employment so abruptly, I found myself with a great deal of time on my hands and nothing to do with it. Even at my age, a bit of adventure is always welcome...and this one seems most interesting."

Luna winced. While admittedly she'd heard nothing good from Alucard regarding his former Master, it was something of a sore spot knowing she was sheltering someone who had - from what she'd heard - brutally murdered someone for a rather callous reason. Admittedly, said woman was sired by her husband, so she really should expect such conduct... She quickly banished such thoughts. "I am sorry to hear about Sir Integra," she began gently.

The man across from her pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Though I hate to speak ill of the dead, perhaps it was for the best," he allowed thoughtfully. "Ever since Miss Victoria managed to complete the mission of the Hellsing Organization-"

"Wait, what?" Luna interrupted, caught completely off guard.

"Oh, did she not mention that?" the man asked curiously. "That is so like her, so modest. She managed to slaughter all vampires, werewolves, and other creatures of the night that refused to obey the laws of man in such a thoroughly vicious display of power that all the rest became completely cowed. And then she obliterated our rival Iscariot organization, almost as an afterthought."

Luna's eyes widened in surprise. "She's that powerful?"

"Oh, easily," he confirmed. "Though admittedly, her sire is orders of magnitude more powerful...but that's a different matter. You see...Sir Integra didn't adapt well to not having any enemies anymore. She was so used to living as though just about everyone not on her payroll was in some way connected to people who wanted her dead that...well..."

Luna nodded. "I understand. You don't need to say anymore." She idly crossed her hooves. "Tell me, what exactly were your job duties working for Sir Integra?"

The man grinned widely. "Allow me to give a proper introduction...my name is Walter C. Dornez. I worked as both Vampire Hunter and Butler for the Hellsing Organization in my life. I answered the door, I cleaned up the estate, and I took out the trash...whether inanimate in cans, or self entitled little vampire twats making a mess on my nice clean floors."

Luna smiled sagely. "Well...you sound like you just might be able to keep up with my daughter and her friends. Almost."

"Really?" Walter asked in surprise. "Well, I admit the daughter of a Goddess such as yourself is probably a handful, but isn't her father any help?"

Luna sighed ruefully. "Her father is a loving, dedicated, and nurturing husband and father...but if ever there was a poster child for mental instability, he probably shot him for shits and giggles."

Walter's eyes widened in shock. "...Alucard?" he asked finally.

"I figured you'd met," Luna murmured thoughtfully. "He recommended you when I told him what I was looking for as far as this job was concerned."

Walter swallowed convulsively. "Well...Alucard actually settled down...I must say, I never thought I'd see the night." He carefully managed to compose himself. "And...what job is that, exactly?"

"Alucard has much the same job under me as he did under Integra," Luna explained. "There are monsters in Equestria that make the things he fought in your world look like a sackful of puppies, and most of Equestria doesn't know those monsters even exist. Alucard's job is to make certain it stays that way. However, that does mean he's away from home for extended periods of time. And while my work keeps me here in Canterlot most of the time...my daughter's life is down in Ponyville."

"So I am to act in loco parentis?" Walter deduced thoughtfully.

"I'm pretty certain Alucard provides all the 'loco parentis' Scootaloo could need," Luna observed dryly.

Walter blinked for a time, then chuckled. "It will be a novelty to work for an employer with a sense of humor. But I hardly think a few young girls would require a man of my talents to reign in, even if one of them is a demigod."

Luna smirked as she felt amusement at Walter's naivete. "The three girls have a club called 'The Cutie Mark Crusaders'. They actively seek out their Cutie Marks - a concept that would take far too long to explain here - in increasingly dangerous, reckless, and noisy manners, to the point that the local citizenry thought they were disciples of Discord...who by your terms, you would call a Chaos God."

Walter chuckled softly. "Well, children of any sort can be rambunctious-"

"And that was before Scootaloo started mastering her powers and was gifted Schroedinger - now called Jerry - as her familiar," Luna interrupted. "Now imagine all of that added into the mix...oh, and Seras involved as her 'big sister', now that she realizes that's what the sire relationship meant."

"Oh...oh my," Walter concluded nervously. "And my job is...?"

"To keep the house neat and clean, make sure Scootaloo does her homework and eats her vegetables, and ensure there's always one person in her home life that's relatively sane," Luna explained firmly.

"...I take it the 'relatively sane' part is what led Alucard to recommend me?" Walter deduced.

Luna nodded. "So...will you take the job?"

"I feel I should ask about the pay scale," Walter began thoughtfully.

"200 bits a month, plus job related expenses and bonuses," Luna explained.

"...and a 'bit' is?"

"A one ounce gold coin that is the basis of Equestrian currency," Luna explained. "In terms of how much it can buy you, the average Equestrian citizen can live comfortably on 150 a month."

Walter rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Enough to cover expenses, unforeseen 'human specific' needs, and amass savings? Quite a generous offer."

"It goes up to 300 a month if Scootaloo tolerates you enough to not try and kill you in your sleep by the Summer Sun Celebration," Luna offered. "That's the Solstice."

"...she is her Father's Daughter then, Mum?" Walter asked dutifully.

"More than I'd like to admit," Luna allowed ruefully. She then blinked in surprise. "Mum?"

"A good British Butler is to show proper familiarity with his employer and their family," Walter explained. "That means only referring to them by title when discussing them to others or introducing them, and only in conversation with them when confirming a new directive."

Luna managed a smile. "Here's hoping introducing you to Scootaloo goes as well..."

Introductions

While Luna would normally allow a new hire to make their own way to their job as a first test to see how well they would handle themselves. However, the current situation called for her to escort Walter to his new occupation for a number of reasons. First off, after the splash Alucard made when he was 'recognized' as Luna's legal husband, having another human - or at any rate, what would be mistaken for 'another' human by the populace - was simply asking for trouble, and not the sort she could enjoy as free entertainment. Second, given the reputation Alucard had in Ponyville from his few appearances there, sending Walter in alone to find his way around without an official introduction would also be just asking for trouble.

The most important reason, however, was Luna's thoughts after seeing a demonstration of Walter's combat skills and his proposed route - on foot - in order to avoid causing undo civil unrest. As dangerous as some of the monsters of the Everfree could be, there was no reason to depopulate it needlessly.

As such, the chariot came to a discreet halt just outside Ponyville, allowing Luna and Walter to disembark quietly and make their approach. As she'd instructed, Walter took the lead while she walked behind, ready to step in if necessary. Much to her surprise, their first encounter was with her daughter's new familiar, and a meeting that apparently made Walter feel awkward.

"Guten Tag, Walter," Jerry greeted happily. "Did you get reincarnated to be with the ponies, too?"

"In...a manner of speaking," Walter allowed awkwardly. "I have been hired to be...I suppose the best way to put it would be Scootaloo's Governor."

Jerry raised an eyebrow. "Somehow I don't think that will be going over well." The catboy grinned wickedly. "Should be fun to watch, though."

"I'm pleased you find it so entertaining," Walter observed dryly. "And where is the young Miss?"

"Playing with her sister," Jerry allowed readily. "Which is why I'm not."

Walter sighed ruefully. "Seras can do so much better for herself..."

"And what makes you think you get to say who's 'good enough' for me, ya wanker?" Seras demanded angrily as she flowed into being out of a cloud of red and black. "Speaking of that, what are you even doing here? Wasn't Dad going to, what was it-"

"Can we do without the crude language, Miss Victoria?" Walter asked in a pained tone. "I'm here to offer young Scootaloo a consistent, stable, rational parental influence. I'm pretty sure getting those around her to watch their language would be a good start."

"You? A good parent?" Seras demanded dismissively. She then paused. "Actually, aside from the whole turning traitor thing, I can see that."

"Wait, what?" Luna demanded in confusion. "Alucard didn't mention that when he recommended you for this job."

"He didn't?" Seras, Walter, and a French ghostly voice asked in shock.

"He probably wanted to watch this unfold," Jerry observed playfully.

Seras sighed. "Yeah, that sounds like him."

"Where did that other voice come from?" Luna demanded in confusion.

"Oh, that would be me," the voice spoke up, seeming to originate from somewhere around Seras...specifically, in the black and red miasma that was part of her being. "Enchanté, mademoiselle. You may call me Pip."

"You know how Pops has a few souls inside him that he carries around for various reasons?" Seras clarified. When Luna nodded, she jerked a thumb into the miasma. "I've got Pip. There was...a rather significant moment when I first drank from a living being, and since I had his permission with his dying breath, he tagged along for the ride."

"And what a ride it has been, ma chère," Pip observed playfully. "Though your recent choices..."

"Hey, I told you why we weren't going with your suggestion!" Seras snapped. "Your soul along for the ride or not, it would have felt too much like twiddling to me!"

"So instead I am along for the ride to have anozer man inside my lady?" Pip demanded angrily. "Not to mention experiencing it myself."

"Oh like you've never wanted a threesome before!" Seras countered dismissively.

"My idea of a menage trois normally involved anozer woman."

"Aren't I enough woman for you?"

"More than enough, ma chère, but zen I do not have you all to myself, do I?"

"Keep in mind who Pops is."

Pip sighed ruefully. "So suck it up and learn to enjoy it?"

"Exactly," Seras confirmed. "Also, get out of my ass."

"But it's so comfy!" Pip complained.

"Don't I know it," Jerry purred.

"I see why you wanted someone somewhat responsible," Walter observed ruefully.

"...I hadn't realized it had gotten this bad," Luna murmured in awe. "I'm left wondering how Scootaloo is handling-"

Walter suddenly jerked his hands and gave his fingers an odd twist. Light flashed in the air, and Scootaloo was suspended in a net of silver threads to one side of him, her teeth inches from his neck. "Dammit, sis!" Scootaloo complained. "You were supposed to be a better distraction, not get distracted yourself!"

"Oh, like it's my fault Walter's powers are bullshit?" Seras demanded angrily.

"Seras!" Luna snapped angrily.

"Dad's words not mine, but they're true!" Seras complained. "So lay off, Mom!"

"So is this misbehaving, or training?" Walter asked Scootaloo calmly.

Scootaloo tilted her head thoughtfully. "Hmm...depends if Mom is watching or not?" she asked innocently.

Walter chuckled ruefully. "Tell you what. If you agree not to actually drink from me, then it will only be misbehaving if I catch you before you get your mouth around my neck. Otherwise, it's training. How does that sound?"

As Scootaloo grinned from ear to ear, Luna lowered her gaze and sighed. At least he's good with children, she mused ruefully. Still, I wonder how he'll-

Walter's other hand jerked and he twisted his fingers. There was a whistle in the air and Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and what looked like an arcane bazooka that had been built in a garage from scrap were also suspended in the net of silver threads, though held more gently. "...does that weapon actually function?" he asked, his eyes on the barrel.

"No, but that one does!" Sweetie piped up as her horn glowed.

A blast of confetti exploded all over Walter. "...a...party cannon?" he asked carefully as he set them down to brush himself off.

"We borrowed one from Pinkie!" Apple Bloom declared happily. "Gotcha!"

"Let's check!" Scootaloo declared as they all turned to look at their flanks...which remained blank. "Aww, no Vampire Hunter Hunter Cutie Marks."

"What would that even look like, anyway?" Sweetie asked curiously.

"Other than confusin'?" Apple Bloom clarified.

"Probably awesome," Scootaloo pouted.

Walter finished brushing himself off. "You are planning on cleaning this up, yes?" he pressed holding out a broom and dustpan sized to the fillies.

Luna chuckled as she watched. It seemed Walter was as unflappable as Alucard had stated. Perhaps things would work out alright after all.