0G Network Coverage

by Estee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Trixie
Length: 2768

Are you a pony who travels? Do you need to communicate on the go? And do you totally lack any and all dragons in your life? Then you need -- Slate! Everypony does! Unless they can think. Which just might leave Trixie out.

Are you a pony who travels?

Do you need to communicate on the go?

And do you totally lack any and all dragons in your life?

Then you need -- Slate!

Everypony does!

Unless they can think.

Which just might leave Trixie out.

(Part of the Triptych Continuum, which has its own TVTropes page and FIMFiction group. New members and trope edits welcome.)

Now with author Patreon, SubscribeStar, and Ko-Fi pages.

Published 2013-12-17 05:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-17 05:10:06 UTC

Sales Pitch

"Miss!"

"Me?"

"Yes, you! You look like a pony who would be interested in new and exciting magic!"

"...oh, really? What gave it away? Is it the horn? The overly-traditional performer's hat? The ancient channeling tool displayed in my mark? The fact that I'm leaving a thaumaturgy shop while sorting out my forty copies of the forms required to buy six ounces of platinum wire?"

"Platinum?"

"Yes."

"You believe in living dangerously, don't you?"

"You have no idea."

"And a pony with a need for platinum wire -- is a pony with a need for communication."

"All right. Just for the fun of it, let's say I'm bored enough to entertain this line of thought for a few minutes. In your opinion, how does that first lead to the second?"

"Because if something went wrong -- and that's platinum wire -- you'd need to call for help. Tell ponies where you were. And if that's your caravan parked outside and any of those scorch marks are recent -- that is yours, right? The one with the tomato stains all over the --"

"You'll want to step carefully here."

"-- but anyway, my point is that you? Look like a pony who's on the road a lot!"

"I may burn this hat."

"Away from the settled zones, with no way for anypony who could help to know she's in trouble at all!"

"...sometimes."

"And that's why you need -- Slate!"

"It's a small rectangle. About two hoofwidths by one and a half. Made of semi-reflective black -- slate. Trust me, I know what slate looks like. I spent three moons of my life breaking it up, so I also happen to know what it tastes like, not to mention how long it takes to give up on ever scrubbing the last fragments out of my coat. You're going to need to sell this in a little more detail."

"Watch."

"And now there are two slates. Bravo. Not just anypony could have pulled that second one out from under their folding sales table."

"Watch carefully, miss -- miss...?"

"Lulamoon. Trixie Lulamoon!"

"Can't say I've ever heard of you."

"Thank Celestia for small favors..."

"Sorry?"

"...nothing. I'm watching."

"I write on one, and --"

"-- what's the range?"

"Ah! I knew you were a pony who appreciated new magic and devices! Yes, just write on one Slate, and the words will appear somewhere else! You can call for help with a few swipes of the chalk! And when there's no emergency at hand, you can stay in contact with friends! Let everypony know how you're doing! No need for postal carriers and worrying about the pegasi losing your letters -- just write and go! Now as you can see, I have this in black, deeper black, sort of black with a touch of grey, extremely black --"

"-- I was asking about the range. And how does it transmit?"

"Oh, you know I can't just reveal the inner workings of a new device... but it's an improvement on everything that's come along before it! Shouting across the town square? Much quieter! Stamps? Not needed! Cans on taut strings? My idea of string can reach across entire gallops and never trips a single pony! And sure, I know there's this rumor going around among a very select group of casters, surely you've heard of it, Miss Lulamoon, about dragon flame and scrolls -- but who's got a dragon? Nopony! But anypony can have Slate, if they have both the bits and the brains to spend them! You're interested, I can see it in your eyes, those bits in your saddlebags are begging you to put them into the best purchase of your life! Shall we talk pricing?"

"Let's talk features."

"I don't mind, Miss Lulamoon, because all that'll do is make you want to buy it more."

"You said the words would appear 'somewhere else'. Does it also send to paper? Blackboards? Can it draw on dusty shelves near the target pony? All of the above?"

"Well -- no. Just another Slate."

"All right. And -- how many ponies currently own a Slate?"

"My client list is only available at a price, Miss Lulamoon -- and we can talk about that price later. However, you could always purchase a Slate for each and every pony you wished to communicate with. Just keep in mind that for group Slate purchases, there's a slight additional surcharge --"

"-- it costs more for bulk?"

"Of course! Because I have to bundle the Slates together in a single package before taking them out for shipment!"

"And why would that add to the price?"

"I have to bundle. Do you know how much work bundling is? It's not as if just anypony could do it!"

"...right. But you're talking about my calling for help with one. Do emergency rescue teams have Slates? Police and fire personnel? Wild zone whistling posts? Anypony who might actually be able to help me at all?"

"Again, my client list is for sale, Miss Lulamoon. I can't be expected to just give up the names of my buyers for free. All the information I've collected on them... how would that look, just handing that out to anypony? I'll only give it out at a profit! -- is something wrong? You looked as if you were in some pain."

"It's -- nothing. Look, I'm not going to ask you for the details of exactly how the enchantment was worked. But I do need some basic information about how it functions in use. You understand, right?"

"Ask me anything!"

"I noticed that when you were fieldwriting on Slate, you got about halfway through a few words and then the rest of those words just appeared. Is that standard?"

"Yes! It guesses at what I meant to say and completes it! You won't believe the amount of time you save just by --"

"-- and if it guesses wrong?"

"Why would it do that?"

"The words were appearing on the second Slate as you were writing on the first. How do you take back a mistake?"

"Oh, there's no mistakes..."

"You see that 'demonstrafing' over there?"

"Everypony knows that just means a very high-speed demonstration! But you can erase a Slate after the fact, of course! I don't just sell the special chalk, I also carry the optional wiping cloths --"

"Optional."

"Yes. Cleaning the Slate is completely optional for the user."

"As in 'I don't have to do it'."

"Absolutely! That's what optional means, after all!"

"So -- if I don't do it -- and the Slate is completely filled -- what happens next?"

"You buy another Slate! Which was totally your option! Of course, some of my purchasers have indicated they were going to shorten certain words just to save on space, which is a good idea just for composing longer messages and making them all fit even if you do pick up the completely optional wiping cloth plan. You know, I'm sort of hoping to get a brand new form of language out of this."

"I can't help but notice you were printing in rather large letters."

"I was going to call it Slexting -- oh, yes! The Slate requires a distinctive style of writing in order to perform writing recognition."

"To recognize that somepony is writing."

"Correct!"

"On a Slate."

"Yes."

"Which -- you write on."

"That's the idea!"

"You covered the entire thing using only ten words. And seven of them were very short words."

"Well, this is an early model. Later ones should be along once I've tested the magic a bit more and improved the total word capacity."

"You mean, 'made a bigger Slate'?"

"I'm glad to see you're a pony who can think ahead!"

"And if I buy this early model Slate, with the current limited capacity -- where does that leave me when the new models come out?"

"On my Slexting list so I can tell you they're available and you can pay the slightly higher charge for the privilege of getting the better one first! You can upgrade almost immediately! And you'll really want to, you know!"

"...because?"

"Well, just for starters, if somepony with a better Slate sent you a long message, yours couldn't make it fit! And I plan on some very comprehensive announcements!"

"I -- you -- let's talk about range, all right?"

"Certainly!"

"Can I use this anywhere on the continent? How about outside Equestria? I travel. A lot."

"Well... yes -- and no."

"Could you go into a little detail about that?"

"Well, this is going a little deeper into the enchantment than I normally discuss before you sign the post-purchase contract --"

"The what?"

"-- but the Slate can send and receive messages anywhere within a certain radius of my word relay stations."

"Which are?"

"They're just that. Relay stations scattered everywhere I've been able to put them without paying for it. Which mostly means wild zones and farms whose owners believe they make interesting decorations on the barn roof. It's funny, but I've actually been losing more of the ones on the barns. Go figure, right?"

"...right... and the Slate only works within range of those stations?"

"Oh, it works anywhere! It just won't send or receive unless you're close to a station!"

"So how do I know when I'm in range?"

"The Slate works."

"Oh."

"I offer a special service where a secondary Slate can hold a message until you're back in a coverage area and transmit it to you then."

"And how does that work?"

"You buy extra Slates and put one next to any relay station you're passing by. And of course, extras are also handy for creating copies of your messages! Some ponies don't like to lose the record of what they sent when they optionally erase to make extra space, and what's better for storing a backup than another Slate?"

"Backup... I -- so how much of Equestria, approximately, is covered?"

"Including where you are right now?"

"Yes."

"Maybe one percent. But most of the stations are in wild zones, which is where you're most likely to get into trouble, so in the times when you'll need a Slate most, you're covered! Probably. Well, there's a chance. Unless something's destroyed the station. Which is not my legal responsibility. That's in the contract. The second hundred pages."

"One. Percent."

"Yes. After I round up. But since the settled zones themselves total out to about six percent, I'd say I'm doing pretty well! But for now, that's just land coverage. Since I'm not a pegasus, any use of a future sky station would require me to pay off a cloudwalking spell, so there would be an over-the-air cost..."

"What exactly will the Slate do when it's left the station's radius? Anything at all?"

"Well, they won't send or receive words, but they do tell me that you've left those areas and roughly how far you've gone. I need that information so I can bill you for the roaming fees."

"You're asking me for bits -- because I travel?"

"Of course not! It's not asking! It's a contractual obligation! You see, wherever you go, you expect your Slate to work, right? Eventually. So that means I'll have to follow you. Sometime. And maybe set up a relay station in your wake. If conditions, budget, and my own commitments permit. And the farther you go, the more it costs me to theoretically consider following you. So the roaming fee goes up if you leave Equestria's borders, or go to a really high place or low one, underground -- oh, don't ask me about underground..."

"Can we switch topics for a second?"

"It's your purchase, Miss Lulamoon!"

"How permanent is the enchantment? Will even a basic model Slate still be working in ten years?"

"Actually... it's more of a -- charged thing. It takes a little bit of magic to send each letter and reproduce it on the receiving end. So you lose a little part of the total charge every time you transmit or receive a message."

"And how do I recharge it?"

"You'll want my completely optional Slate charging station. Or you can take the thaum funnel. That just lets your Slate pull magic straight out of the air."

"Does that do anything to the environment... or anypony nearby?"

"You know, you're not the first pony to ask that question."

"So what's the answer?"

"But I recommend taking that over the charging station, because the charging station weighs four hundred pounds. Also --"

"-- let me guess. It occasionally needs charging."

"Right. For that, you'll need a master charging station."

"Optional?"

"Of course! All you have to buy is the Slate!"

"About that nearby ponies and environmental question you didn't answer the first time--"

"-- now once you've bought your Slate, I'll register it. That way, I'll know who the proper owner is. I can also read what you're sending and receiving to make sure you're not discussing anything -- inappropriate. Like the operation of the Slate. Or complaints about the Slate, not that you'll ever have any if you just take the right options. And of course, I can let you know when new models are available. Which I admit does drain your charge, but isn't it worth it to know about the latest developments in Slates? And recharging is so easy with your station! Or thaum funnel. Or you can just bring the Slate directly to me and I'll charge it for you at a very low price compared to what the optional charging station and thaum funnel cost. It's much more practical to let me do it, really."

"Even if I have to come find you."

"Well, I could come to you, but there's another roaming fee... Oh, and you'll want to be careful about long-range message reproductions, because that goes through several relay stations and drains their charges, so I have to bill you for that. Naturally, I send you the bill via Slate. Because that's how convenient your new device is!"

"So when you bill me, it costs me bits."

"Only if you choose to recharge."

"In fact, anything I do with this --"

"-- optionally do --"

"-- costs bits."

"But all you have to buy is the Slate!"

"Have. To."

"The next model may even be able to potentially send very basic sketch drawings! Of course, that's continuous chalk strokes, which not only makes the stick go faster, it's reproducing more on the other end... oh, graphics is proving tricky... but isn't it worth it to send a picture when you really need to?"

"When I'm calling for help?"

"Well, yes. You can draw whatever's attacking you."

"I'm asking this only to finish the process, you understand: how much?"

"The Slate? A mere two hundred bits!"

"Chalk?"

"Fifty bits per stick. And don't ever put them in your mouth. It affects the operation."

"Wipes?"

"Two hundred per cloth. Five uses each. Don't wipe with the back."

"Recharging fees? Roaming ones?"

"Well, that's in the contract, and in order to read that, you need to have purchased a -- give that back! Get your field off my contract! Nopony gets to read that until I have their --"

"-- this is... interesting."

"...you think so?"

"Oh, yes. This is some of the most interesting stuff I've ever read. I didn't realize it was even possible for somepony to own words I'd written."

"But you wrote them on my Slate!"

"Well. I think I've made a decision. I will not be purchasing a Slate today. Or tomorrow. Or ever."

"But -- what if you get attacked by a monster in a wild zone? One with relay station coverage!"

"I would wish for a Slate."

"Of course you --

"-- so I could sign the monster to the contract. Which should drive it to suicide. It's a great idea, the Slate. It really is. And it's a pity it wound up in your hooves."

"You know, those are almost exactly the nonsense words my brother said after I sued it away from him on his deathbed. I never understood why he said it either... So I've talked you out of buying one?"

"Yes. Forever."

"That'll be fifty bits."

"Fifty bits? For what?!?"

"Consultant's fee, Miss Lulamoon. How would you have known not to buy one without me?"

"...you've never heard of me?"

"Can't say I have."

"Good."

"...why are you smiling like that?"

"You really want to know?"

"...yes?"

"That'll be two thousand bits."

"...for what?"

"Head start fee."