A Very Chaotic Christmas!

by RainbowBob

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 1956

Set in the When They Were Young verse with Discord and Santa Claus and fights to the death, oh my!

Set in the 'Youngverse'.

It's Christmas Eve, and Santa is busy on his route to deliver presents for all the good fillies and colts of Equestria. Which leaves Discord the next on his list. Oh dear…

Santa should have brought a baseball bat this year.

Thanks to Shane for the help editing!

Written for the December Contest.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-23 00:00:04 UTC

Chapter 1: And To All, A Good Night!

It was a silent Christmas Eve. Not a soul was stirring on this night before Christmas, except of course for a lone mouse. This mouse will not get any Christmas gifts, sadly, because of its rebelling nature to stay awake on this sacred night.

Anyway, other than the mouse, the house was completely quiet. All residents asleep and comfy under blankets in their nice and cozy beds. A Christmas tree bearing ornaments aplenty rested in the corner of the living room - the lights some of the only illumination in the room. The red, blue and yellow bulbs shone dimly in the darkness, appearing to be colorful stars on the field of pines that made up the tree. At the very top was an actual star, twinkling as much as any inanimate object made solely for holiday cheer could be.

The tranquility of the room was so peaceful, it seemed a crime to break it in any way, shape or form. But, of course, that wasn’t going to last long on tonight of all nights.

The chimney thundered and shook as a great object of even greater mass moved down its depths. Ash and snow fell into the fireplace as something scooted down the chimney’s interior, kicking up any potential dead birds it found in its way. Finally, with a mighty thud and a “Ho, ho, ho,” the figure climbing down the chimney fell to the bottom.

Picking himself up and dusting off his velvet red coat, Santa Claus stood in the center of the room and looked around with either hand on the hips surrounding his great girth. Seconds later a bag fell down the chimney as well, Santa catching it at the last second in a deft hand movement. Shrugging it over his shoulder with ease, Santa approached the Christmas tree.

“Ah! The Chaos Family,” Santa whispered, noticing how the tree bent every which way and that, even with a loopty-loop. Another good hint was the fact that the star at the top of the tree was upside down with the lights on the tree spelling out ‘Free Gifts Are Appreciated.’

Humming cheerfully under his breath, Santa laid down his sack full of gifts and drew out presents aplenty for the residents of the house. Of course, most of the gifts were for Discord, an upstart draconequus with a habit of getting into trouble, but otherwise a nice enough kid, while some others were for his folks. Even with the youngster’s tricks and pranks he plays throughout the year, he was a kin boy at heart that definitely deserved to have a very Merry Christmas.

That was just one reason Santa was unloading his gifts at an unusually fast pace. The other reason, of course, just entered the room itself not soon after Santa arrived.

“Santa Claus?” a very young Discord asked, shuffling into the room with his blanket held tight to his body. Discord was just a budding draconequus now, with tiny wings on his slender body and even smaller horns atop his itty-bitty head. Looking up to the man dressed in red that could use a trip to the gym, he asked, “Is that you?”

Santa sighed, getting up from his open bag of presents. “You know very well it is me, Discord. We’ve been over this every year.”

“That means you’ve brought me my presents!” Discord called out excitedly, holding his blanket close to his face in glee.

“Yes, I brought them here. That doesn’t mean you get them right away you know,” Santa said, waving his finger at Discord. “You have to wait until morning like every other good boy and girl.”

“But Santa, I want my gifts now!” Discord whined, much like every disgruntled boy and girl.

“Butts are for sitting!” Santa said flatly. “And that’s final! No toys until after Christmas Eve.”

Discord halted his whining cry. He stared up at Santa Claus not with the look of a enraged child, but of an enraged and very powerful child at that. “I don’t think you understand, Santa, how long I’ve been waiting for this moment.”

“You and every other kid in all of Equestria! Every year it’s the same thing! You youngsters just can’t stay asleep!” Santa objected, waving his mitten covered finger at Discord. “It’s not that hard to go to sleep and wait until the morning for gifts!”

“It’s harder than you’ll ever know, Santa,” Discord said calmly, putting his hands behind his back. “I have worked hard for this day all year long. All the countless hours not used for pranks, all the times I did good deeds, all the times I’ve embraced being good and not naughty just for this one day. It’s been a year long project to get these gifts, so I believe it is my right to open them right now.” Discord smiled, one snaggletooth growing while the other probably fell out sometime during the year. “Don’t you think?”

“Listen, kid, we can either do this the easy way…” Santa took out a candy cane from his coat and smashed the straight end on the fireplace mantle, making it into a sharpened shank, “or the hard way.”

From within his blanket Discord withdrew his own sharpened to a fine point candy cane, the pointy white and red end shimmering in the light. “I was just about to say the same thing.”

Discord jumped into action, swinging his candy cane weapon in a powerful arc at Santa’s chest. “I want my presents!”

Santa blocked Discord’s strike, driving his tiny attacker back with furious swipes of his candy cane. “You don’t get them until the morning just like everyone else!” Santa yelled.

Discord hurled himself to the left, running up the length of the fireplace and grabbing a sock hanging from the mantle. Jumping off it, he divebombed to Santa and managed to get the sock over his head, covering hat and eyes and all. “Gimme my presents or else!” Discord demanded, whacking Santa’s head with the hooked end of his candy cane repeatedly.

Stumbling around the room and running into walls, Santa shouted, “Never! Never you little brat! I should have stuffed your gifts full of coal instead!” Yelling at the top of his lungs, Santa forward and smashed his head against the wall. But Discord had already hopped off by this time, and all Santa managed to accomplish was driving his head through the wall.

Pulling his head from the wall and freeing his eyesight of the sock, Santa failed to notice Discord’s held out foot just behind his heel as he tripped over it and fell with a hard thud on the ground.

Jumping on Santa’s large mountain of a belly and grabbing his bushy white beard in his claw, Discord held the pointy end of his candy cane at Santa’s throat. “So, Santa, what’s it gonna be?”

Santa panted in a breath and coughed painfully. “You’ll get those presents from my cold, dead hands,” Santa wheezed, narrowing his eyes at Discord’s determined face.

Suddenly, all the lights turned on in the room with a blinding flash. Blinking rapidly, Santa and Discord looked to who had just entered the living room.

“What is the meaning of this?” Entropy, Discord’s dad, asked. His beard and mustache were even messier than usual, and the bed head he was experiencing looked like a tornado had attacked his hair. He looked pretty much like his son, except older, grouchier, and with much more stylish wings.

Santa and Discord looked at one another, then back at Entropy, then to each other again.

Eris slinked in after Entropy, yawning and wiping the sleep out from her eyes. Her white hair was dolled up in curlers along with dark bags that hung under her mismatched eyes. Smacking her dry lips, she said, “Looks like Santa is early this year.”

“Will you please get your son off of me?” Santa asked, gulping at the close proximity the sharpened end of Discord’ candy cane was to his neck.

Eris’ single unicorn horn atop her head glowed as her magic snatched Discord from Santa’s belly. “Come on, Discy, didn’t you know not to keep Santa from his job?”

“But mommy, I want my presents now!” Discord complained, wailing in his mother’s arms.

“Santa, I am so sorry our son tried to murder you for Christmas presents,” Entropy said, helping Santa get back to his feet.

Santa arched his back as his spine cracked when Entropy lifted him up. “It’s not a problem, really. If I had a nickel each time a child tried to kill me for gifts, well, I wouldn’t need to be delivering gifts, now would I? Ho ho—ow!” Santa winced as he rubbed his back.

“Dear, can’t we just give Discy a gift so he can go to sleep?” Eris asked, stuffing a finger in her ear before her son could make it deaf from his constant crying.

“Of course not. If the fat man—I mean, Santa said no, then I’ll back it up!” Entropy replied defensively.

“Come on! Just one toy!” Eris begged, cradling Discord and trying to rock him to sleep. This was a vain attempt at best, for Discord’s tantrums can rock mountains and create earthquakes with almost no possibility of quieting him down.

Santa sighed, wiping a mitten across his sweat drenched forehead. “You know, one gift wouldn’t be too bad…”

“Wait, Santa, you’re serious?” Entropy asked.

“I know kids these days can be a bit impatient. It’s not one of their best qualities, but there’s a certain magic to a child’s eagerness to get a gift that just fills me with Christmas cheer.” Santa grunted as he felt another twinge of pain in his back, adding, “And probably a hernia as well.”

Reaching into his coat, Santa withdrew an action figure from his pocket. It was a humanoid figure with a black, billowing coat and formal attire. Handing it to Discord, Santa said, “Here, Discord, will one gift make you happy?”

“Mine!” Discord shouted, snatching the action figure in his claws and giving it a hug. “I’m gonna name him Dorian and we’re gonna go to Disney World together and ride Space Mountain!”

“In the morning, Discy,” Eris said, snuggling her son’s cheek. “But for now, we’re going to sleep.”

“Yeah. Sorry again for the trouble, Santa,” Entropy said. “Help yourself to the milk and cookies out for you.”

“No worries, folks,” Santa chuckled. “And sorry to say, but Mrs. Claus has me on a diet. Sprinkles are becoming my delicious enemy, I’m afraid.”

“Thank you Santa!” Discord called out to him as his mother carried him away by his father’s side. “I promise I won’t try to attack you next year!”

Santa smiled and waved. Then, out of the pocket of his coat, Santa withdrew and notepad and pencil. “Next year, bring a baseball bat when visiting the Chaos residence,” Santa spoke aloud as he scribbled the note down.

Picking up his sack of presents, he climbed back up the chimney and walked over to his sleigh where his reindeer were waiting patiently. Throwing his bag in the trunk and hopping in his seat, Santa withdrew his list. “Okay, next home on the list. The residence of two little fillies known as Celestia and Luna…”

Santa sighed. He took out a candy cane from his trunk five times larger than a normal, then a construction helmet. Putting the helmet atop his hat for safety, he broke the straight end of the candy cane off so that it had an extra sharp point. He then then hefted it over his shoulder.

Santa muttered, “I really should have gotten that baseball bat before leaving.”