Can I get an order of Galactic Cheesy Curls?
"No, wait, make that two orders! And a Solana Slider!"
A large, burly man in a green superhero costume was sitting in his luxurious space cruiser. It was painted a bright lime green, and upon it was a logo of a planet with a thunderbolt shooting out from beneath it and two small moons orbiting the planet. The orbit lines were clearly visible on the side.
"Anything else, sir?" asked a voice through the intercom, sounding slightly dejected at what they were doing. The burly green man didn't notice.
The man leaned into the intercom and almost whispered, "You have any...banana milkshakes?"
"One banana milkshake then. Is that all, sir?"
"That'll do it!"
"Excellent, sir. Please pull up to the next window."
The burly green man obliged. As soon as he did so, a tractor beam grabbed hold of his ship as a large, deep navy blue starship decloaked below him.
"What the?!" the man exclaimed, shocked that he couldn't move his ship as he yanked at the steering controls.
The drive-thru window opened, and the burly green man turned to see a robot in a butler uniform standing there with some sort of spray gun in his hand.
"Your order, sir." The robo-butler sprayed the green man with a nerve-relaxing agent, and it only took a few seconds for the green-clad superhero to fall onto his dashboard, tongue lolling out of his mouth as he descended into a forced sleep.
The butler pressed a button on his arm and spoke. "Captain Qwark has been successfully detained, sir."
An evil, robotic voice responded through his arm. "Nice work, Lawrence! Bring him to the brig IMMEDIATELY!"
Lawrence sighed. "Of course, sir. However, there is one more thing."
"And what is that, Lawrence?" the evil voice asked in a slightly disgruntled tone, as if it knew what was coming.
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
His arm involuntarily shook as the voice screamed at him. "LAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWREEEEEEEEEEEEEENCE!"
Qwark woke up a short time later strapped to a large, round mechanical device of some kind.
"Oof, I feel like I just ate a Blargian dung beetle," he said as nausea hit him soon after he awoke.
He heard laughing, and raised his head up to see who was responsible. His eyes shot open wide with anger at his captor.
"Doctor Nefarious!"
The thin, navy blue robot cackled some more. Piercing red robotic eyes glared back at Qwark as the gears in Nefarious's head clicked and turned within a large green glass egg-shaped dome.
"Qwark! Today is the day that I will finally get to be rid of your meddling once and for all!"
Qwark laughed. "Hah, fat chance, Nefarious! My friends will bust me out of here any time now!"
Nefarious grinned. "Ah, but you see, I've already thought of that! I've sent your pesky little friends Ratchet and Clank away from here with a fake distress beacon! There's no way they'll figure out it's a fake and get back here in time!"
Lawrence interrupted, having just appeared at Nefarious's side. "Sir, I'm sorry to report they failed to go directly to the distress beacon. Clank appears to have decoded the distress signal and they're heading our way."
"WHAT?!" Nefarious screamed. "Then we need to hurry NOW, Lawrence! Give me the detonator to the Black Hole Generator!"
"Of course. Here it is, sir." Lawrence pulled out a small button panel with an antenna sticking out on the top. Nefarious swiped it from Lawrence's hand before addressing Qwark in a theatrical manner.
"Behold, Qwark! When I push this button, the device you're strapped to will generate a black hole to crush your hulking squishy body into NOTHING! Naturally, Lawrence and I will be perfectly fine, won't we Lawrence?"
"Yes, sir. We will be magnetized to the floor of your ship as soon as you press the button." Lawrence confirmed.
"Then let's not waste any more time! GOODBYE, QWARK!" Nefarious pressed the button, and the machine Qwark was strapped to began to hum to life.
Qwark needed to act fast. He needed to do something, anything to delay or stop the activation of this machine. His hands were strapped down to his sides, so he desperately felt around for something on him from that angle.
He felt his blaster. Somehow Nefarious and Lawrence had overlooked a special pocket he had in the buttock section of his suit. It made sitting very uncomfortable sometimes, but it was nothing like the irritation he had dealt with from his days as a Personal Hygenator salesman.
He quickly pulled the pistol out and raised his arm slightly, straining against the ropes binding him to the Black Hole machine. He aimed as best he could at Nefarious and fired his blaster.
The shot hit the detonator, much to Nefarious's shock and surprise. However, there were none more surprised than Qwark himself. That shot had to be one-in-a-million, and Qwark cheered for himself at his little achievement.
"Hah, take that, Nefarious! Looks like your black hole thingy won't destroy me after all!"
"QWAAAAAAAAAAAARK!" Nefarious screamed in rage.
However, the machine refused to stop its actions. Instead, hitting the detonator caused the machine to malfunction as electricity shot off of it in small arcs, striking the sides of the ship. Qwark's idea didn't work. In fact, it may have made things worse.
Then something odd happened. Instead of generating a black hole, the machine opened up a tear in space, similar to the time portals Nefarious had seen during his investigations of the Great Clock and the Fongoid tribes.
"...er, Lawrence? Was that supposed to happen?" Nefarious asked.
"Not that I'm aware of, sir. It was YOUR design, after all," Lawrence responded.
The supervillain huffed and crossed his arms. This was nothing like he had originally planned. Just what had Qwark done?!
The tear in space pulsed for an instant. Then...it began to suck violently at the area around it.
Nefarious and Lawrence were the first to be sucked in. The shot that destroyed the switch disabled the magnetism they would have had to save themselves from the tear, and both flew through the tear as soon as the vacuum started. Qwark got one last look at Nefarious's face, and managed to see something he didn't expect. Fear in Nefarious's cold, calculating eyes.
Not that he had much time to contemplate that. Qwark and the machine were slowly lifted up and pulled through the tear themselves. Qwark had tried to scream, but no sound could leave his mouth as the vacuum threatened to take what air he had. He held his breath and closed his eyes as he passed through into the black void, thinking they were being ejected deep into the depths of space.
He didn't know what was on the other side of that tear in space, but it had closed as soon as he and the machine passed through it. At the very least, he thought he would go out like the hero he was, taking the galaxy's most dastardly and devious supervillain with him.
However, the machine still crackled with life, and before him a shot of electricity surged forth and opened up a second tear in space.
Qwark struggled against the ropes again, and found that his bindings had loosened severely since he and the machine were sucked through the first tear. He quickly untangled himself and stuffed his gun back in his buttock pocket.
Having no better options available to him, he kicked off the machine and tried swimming to the tear that had just opened. He didn't know where he was going...but he had no better options.
It was at that moment while he was swimming he spotted Nefarious and Lawrence doing the same thing as he was. They clearly didn't want to be stuck here either, but there was no time to take them down. Qwark didn't know how long the tear was going to stay open, and didn't want to gamble on finding out how long.
As soon as they all entered, they were all sailing off in different directions. Qwark was falling toward a small town in a valley, overlooked by a castle built into the mountainside. Lawrence was heading off toward that very same castle. Lastly, Nefarious was sailing towards what looked to be a city resting upon a large bed of clouds.
Qwark's mind was processing all this new information as best he could while he was still sailing in the air. He hoped Nefarious would crash right through the town and break up into plenty of scrap metal before hitting the ground. Same goes for Lawrence crashing into the castle.
Then the last thought hit him. What about me?
He looked around and spotted what looked like a large tree in the town. That would have a ton of leaves and branches to cushion his fall!
He spread his arms open wide as he turned his body towards the large tree. He had no parachute, but knew that his massively muscular frame could survive the impact. He didn't work on those iron hard abs for nothing, baby!
As he drew closer, he brought his arms inward to cover his chiseled face and braced for impact.
How was I supposed to know the tree was hollow?
"I mean, come on! From the top it looked a like a regular tree! You can't blame me for trying to land in a tree!" Qwark reasoned.
"I totally can! You just ruined HOURS of book stacking...whatever you are!" A small purple dragon with green spines was fuming at him.
Qwark had just crashed through the tree. Not into and out to the side, straight THROUGH...to the bottom...onto a table. It was almost like he picked the only tree that was hallowed out and turned into a library. Who even DOES that? Why didn't they just put those books in a regular boring old public building, anyway?
"What I am? Don't you mean who I am, little guy?" Qwark asked.
"Stop calling me that! The name is SPIKE!" Spike huffed.
"I'll call you that as soon as you stop calling me the Green Giant, kiddo!" Qwark retorted.
"Alright, just WHAT is going on in here?"
A purple pony rushed in from the front door. Spike turned to acknowledge her while Qwark continued to stare at the little dragon. Usually kids like him would be running up to him asking for autographs when he made a grand heroic entrance...like he just did.
Spike spoke up first. "Twilight! This Green Giant minotaur-looking thing just crashed into the library!"
"Minotaur? Kid, I'm not some mythological creature! Hah, next thing I know you'll be telling me that unicorns exist!"
Qwark felt a burning gaze fall upon him, and he turned to see the purple pony called Twilight glaring at him...hard. They had a horn on their head...and were those wings on its sides? There were flying unicorns here?!
Eh, he'd seen worse from the inside of a Protopet before. It wasn't THAT odd to him now that he thought about it.
"Uh...I'm sure there's been some huge misunderstanding here. I'm Captain Qwark, galactic superhero...and former president!" he said, striking a buff pose.
Twilight's eyes faded from anger and into starry wonder. "A...galactic superhero?"
"That's right, little purple pony! I've saved the Solana galaxy from countless threats and abominations that dared to disturb the peace...and I've taken down a few with one hand tied behind my back."
"Hand? What's a hand?" Spike asked.
Qwark stared blankly at the dragon. How did they not know what a HAND was?! Even he knew what a hand was, and it only took him four years to figure that out!
Qwark realized that would be difficult to explain though, especially coming from him. He thought for a minute, then asked a simple question.
"Uh...you got any crayons?"
Nefarious crashed into one of the buildings over in the floating city on the clouds. He surmised that landing on the ground was a bad idea given his thin, lanky metal frame that constantly needed readjustments from Lawrence.
His crash landing hadn't gone unnoticed, however. His red eyes looked past the rubble he landed in and saw ponies. Tons of squishy, winged ponies staring at him.
He didn't like those overly large eyes staring at him. Not one bit.
"What are you squishies staring at?! RUN! Be in TERROR!" he yelled as he burst out from the rubble, claws extended in the air menacingly.
They all fled, as expected. Nefarious smirked, and proudly took a step out of the rubble and onto the clouds they walked on.
He promptly fell right through.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." He screamed as he fell...but then he remembered he still had jet-powered feet. He activated the thrusters and stopped his descent, then rose back up to the cloudy city.
He thought for a minute. Why didn't he use those earlier when he was falling?! Lawrence could have told him that he could do that!
AAAAGH! That's it! He needed Lawrence NOW!
"Lawrence!" Nefarious called out. No response. This irritated him.
"LAWRENCE!" Again, no response came. He sighed before saying Lawrence's name one last time.
"Lawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeence!"
Lawrence's hologram finally appeared. "How can I be of assistance?"
"Lawrence! Where are y-" Nefarious began, but Lawrence interrupted.
"Just kidding! You've reached my holographic voicemail. Leave your name and a brief message. Ta ta!"
"AAAGH!" Nefarious screamed in frustration, dismissing the hologram and throwing his metal claws into the air in balled fists. "Useless butler!"
With Lawrence unable to be contacted, Nefarious resolved to...ugh...ask one of the squishy ponies where he was. He floated around looking for a pony to talk to that he hadn't already scared off earlier.
Turns out a pony would find him first as a grey mare slammed into him from above and sent them both through the clouds.
Again he activated his thrusters to stop them both from falling as he looked at the grey pony in his claws. She had a blonde mane and tail, and there were pictures of bubbles on her flank.
Nefarious was baffled. Why did this squishy have bubbles on her butt?! What did that even mean?
The pony then turned her head to look at him, and he saw the strangest eyes looking back at him..or was it one eye? The other eye was off doing something else entirely, and Nefarious had an odd feeling in the back of his mechanical brain. Sympathy.
He remembered Ratchet's grenade scarring his face, and how one of his eyes got loose after the blast. That was a bad memory he didn't want to resurface.
Nefarious decided this pony was worth talking to after all. He'd consider annihilating her last if he had the chance.
"You, squishy, where am I?" Nefarious asked.
She didn't appear to hear his question, for out of the blue, she hugged him. "Oh, thank you thank you thank you!"
Nefarious didn't quite know how to respond to this. He considered getting angry, but remembered his Fongoid anger management classes. Getting angry now would probably drive them away, and he needed information. But...how to respond?
"You're...welcome?" Nefarious tasted rust in his mouth. That hurt for him to say, but he quickly regained his composure by slowly pulling the pony off of him, holding them in the air.
"Now, I'll ask again, squishy. Where am I?"
"Oh, well, you're in Cloudsdale! And my name's not 'squishy,' it's Derpy. Derpy Hooves."
Derpy?! Suddenly he thought 'squishy' was doing them a favor. He resolved to call them by their name now.
"Alright...Derpy, is that the name of this flying city?"
"It sure is!" Derpy exclaimed.
"Well, what's the name of this...world, then?"
Lawrence had landed in a castle after crashing through some decorative glass. Surprisingly, he came to little harm after the impact. His rotund body was naturally somewhat rubbery, so he bounced around for a bit before stopping and coming to his feet.
He dusted himself off and observed his surroundings. He had landed in a very ornate-looking throne room. Not quite as fancy as some he had designed begrudgingly for Doctor Nefarious, but it had met his standards.
He turned around and saw a white pony wearing golden regalia upon them. He surmised that they were the ruler of this castle, if not the town he landed in, and decided to play it cool...for now.
He gracefully bowed and returned to his usual neutral pose with his arms at his sides, standing up straight and tall.
"Greetings, madam. Might I ask where I've landed?"
"Freeze!" came a shout from another pony. In a moment, Lawrence was surrounded by a group of ponies clad in golden armor.
Golden armor? He had hoped the gold was merely decorative, because it was hideous armor to wear otherwise.
They had also pointed spears at him. Lawrence resisted the urge to smile, instead stating a rather obvious fact to him, if not them.
"Please, put those away. You'll scuff my suit," Lawrence stated.
"Keep your hooves where we can see them!" Another guard called out to the strange robotic figure.
Lawrence mused at the term they used to describe his hands. He wisely raised his hands up in the air, indicating surrender.
The royal-looking pony spoke loud enough so the guards surrounding Lawrence could hear. "Weapons away, my Sun Guard. I can handle things from here."
The Sun Guard were wary, but put away their spears and gave Lawrence some space as the regal pony left her throne to approach him.
Her question was simple, but firm. "What are you?"
"A butler, madam. My name is Lawrence."
"And I'm Princess Celestia...but you don't look like any butler I've seen. That also sounds more like your occupation, not what you actually are."
Lawrence registered her title. A princess? These ponies were truly medieval.
"Oh, sorry. Didn't know you asked it in THAT sense. I'm a robot then, built to be a butler."
"A robot?" Celestia tilted her head. "What's a...robot?"
Lawrence rubbed the spot where his temple would be. This would be a long explanation for ponies that clearly have shown themselves to already be technologically inferior.
Qwark took two hours to draw a vague explanation of a hand. Turns out he was a terrible teacher, as his explanation just seemed to confuse Twilight and Spike even further. Almost giving up, he tried the simplest explanation he could think of.
"They're things that let me do things that you can't do with your hooves."
"Like what?" Twilight asked.
Qwark thought for a moment. How was he going to show that?
An idea hit him. He reached into his buttock pocket and pulled out his blaster.
Er, he thought it was his blaster. It was his Pocket Crotchitizer.
Twilight "oohed" at the strange device he pulled out, not knowing what it was, but being mystified by it all the same.
Meanwhile, Qwark was having a mental dilemma, the worst possible battle he could ever fight. He had to be very gentle in explaining precisely what he was holding.
"This is a...pocket...scratchitizer! It relieves the...uh...stressful itching I have all over my body," Qwark said.
"How does it work?" she asked.
Qwark prayed the charge pack was empty. "Well, you just press this red button here and it...just works."
Qwark pressed the button. It began to grasp at nothing. Son of a-...him!
He didn't want to give it to Twilight now, so he did a different kind of demonstration as he began to place it at different spots across his body. Everywhere...but THERE. It was incredibly awkward as the Crothitizer pinched and pulled at his arms and chest while he tried to make relaxing facial expressions.
The Crotchitizer stopped after a few minutes, its charge pack fully depleted of power as it whirred to a halt. Qwark breathed a sigh of relief. Twilight noticed, so he quickly explained it as a sigh of...well, relief from the itching.
She seemed to accept that explanation. Spike didn't.
"Since when did superheroes like yourself need stress relief?" he asked.
"No one ever said being a superhero would involve working in a stress-free environment, kid. Even superheroes like me deserve some well-earned R & R from time to time," Qwark stated with his usual blank stare.
"I can understand that," Twilight stated. "Ponyville is such a crazy place that sometimes even I need to rest myself."
"Ponyville? Is that what this town is called?" Qwark asked.
Twilight blinked before responding. "Oh, that's right. you're not from around here, are you?"
"Twilight, one moment I was sitting at a Galaxy Burger drive-thru, and the next moment I find myself flying through the sky towards your tree...house...library...thingy?"
Twilight didn't understand what a drive-thru was, but she understood that he was probably more confused about her world than she was of his. "Right, sorry. Well this town is called Ponyville, but the whole land is called..."
"Equestria? I'm WHERE?!" Nefarious screamed.
Derpy was taken back slightly, now free of Nefarious's grasp. "Yeah, this whole place is the land of Equestria! I should know, I'm one of the designated mailmares that delivers mail all across it!"
Nefarious paused as he remembered exactly how he met Derpy. If she delivered the mail like she met him...she would be a very destructive ally.
He HATED that idea, though. Teaming up with a squishy would probably cause his brain circuits to fry.
"Well, Derpy, is this land of...Equestria...led by someone? A ruler, perhaps?" he asked.
"Sure! It's ruled over by Princess Celestia!" Derpy wore a smile at saying her ruler's name.
FINALLY, someone he could identify as one in a position of power! He now had another target to consider taking out as soon as he annihilated Qwark, wherever that fat oaf was.
...but he DIDN'T know where Qwark was, and that bothered him immensely. Still, this leader he heard of was a better lead to follow than nothing.
"Could you tell me where this Princess Celestia is?"
"Tell you? Why, I could take you there! I've got some deliveries to make there next anyways!"
Great, a traveling companion. At least it wasn't exactly teaming up with her, WHICH HE DESPISED.
Plus, she could prove useful in helping him get past whatever security they had stationed at the castle. He flew off behind Derpy, letting her lead him to this Princess Celestia pony.
Oh, and I'm dreadfully sorry I broke your window, madam.
"I suppose it's not everyday a robot such as myself crashes into your castle," Lawrence stated with a bit of enthusiasm.
Lawrence had to search for alternative words in his database to give a rough, but accurate explanation of how robots like himself worked. He was very careful, however, to avoid such points like how they can be disabled...or humiliated, as Lawrence remembered Ratchet and his use of the Groovitron Glove when he had fought Nefarious at his space station. Even though he was assisting Nefarious at that time, he had to hide his amusement toward seeing his employer "get down and get funky with it."
Celestia blinked a few times and shook her head. Lawrence's explanation of what robots were was...highly advanced. Far more advanced than the technology they currently had.
Lawrence noticed her shaking her head. “Did I say something to confuse you, madam?”
“No...it’s just so much to take in, Lawrence. We don’t have anything like you here.”
Lawrence pondered the technological gap between them. Might he already be at a significant advantage?
...then again, did he even want to take advantage of them like that? This Princess Celestia “pony,” as she called herself was rather nice. He didn’t even feel like being snarky and witty, which was REALLY odd for him to feel considering that was how he had coped with Nefarious for so long.
“Oh, it’s quite alright, madam. I’ve had experience with more ‘primitive’ species before. Rest assured, I can adapt.” Lawrence was thinking about Qwark as he spoke the word “primitive.”
“Ah. Well, then it’s good to know that our ways won’t appear foreign to you then,” Celestia smiled.
Her smile made Lawrence’s cheeks heat up for a moment, giving a flushed look to him. He could get used to this. Perhaps now would be a good time to tender his resignation to Nefarious.
Just as he thought that, two Sun Guards marched in.
“My Princess, there’s been news of a strange creature crashing into Cloudsdale,” one of the guards spoke.
Oh goodie, either the buffoon or the twit lives, Lawrence thought.
“Do you have a description of this creature?” Celestia asked, her voice regal and louder than Lawrence had first heard from her. She wondered whether or not this creature would be related to Lawrence.
The second guard spoke up. “Eyewitnesses have claimed to see a blue bipedal creature with sinister-looking red eyes rising out of the rubble and scaring off the cityfolk. Nopony knows where this creature went since it broke free from the rubble.”
“Oh dear,” Lawrence stated.
Celestia turned to Lawrence. “Do you know who it is?”
Lawrence sighed. “It’s my employer, madam. His name is Doctor Nefarious?”
Celestia was right. They were related after all. However, she brought a hoof to her chin and pondered for a moment about his name. Nefarious was rather sinister for a name, and she wondered if they might be evil...and by extension, if Lawrence was evil too.
“Is he dangerous?” Celestia narrowed her eyes and asked Lawrence this in a serious manner. Lawrence noted that she probably responded this way due to his employer’s name...which was an accurate assumption to make, in all honesty.
Lawrence decided to tell a half-truth in an attempt to ease her worries. “He’s a reformed supervillain, madam. He tried to take over the galaxy...twice, but was met with an astounding amount of resistance both times. I had been with him for his endeavors most of the time, being the loyal butler that I am. However, he’s taken steps toward a more...peaceful existence, I can assure you.”
Celestia wasn’t quite convinced, and her face showed it as she was deep in thought over Lawrence’s explanation of his employer. A supervillain that tried to take an entire galaxy twice didn’t exactly sound like they were fully reformed.
However, she reminded herself that even a chaotic being like Discord was converted after being shown the magic of friendship. Perhaps it might do the same for Doctor Nefarious?
It seemed to be working for Lawrence at least...though could she be certain of that? Reading this robot’s thoughts was impossible, for she had secretly tried to while he explained what a robot was and failed. His facial expressions were also very difficult to read most of the time, although his gestures were easy to identify when he did them. The only constant indicator she could pick up on was his tone, and even that was hard to pick up on due to the slightly metallic sound of his voice.
Could she trust him? Lawrence had seemed rather honest and forthcoming with information, though she knew he was hiding something. Those that usually give out information so freely do so to hide something deeper and darker than what they have chosen to reveal.
However, Celestia had the wit about her to not press the matter. She had secrets of her own that were worth hiding as well. Still, she decided to ask a question.
“Do you believe your employer will find you?”
Lawrence brought his hand up to his chin and scratched it. He wasn’t eager to see Nefarious again, but knew how persistent he could be.
“With any luck, madam, he’s already on his way here. In the meantime,” - Lawrence looked at the shattered glass fragments on the floor - “would you mind if I tidied this place up a bit, to repay you for breaking your window? I do hate leaving a mess...especially one I created myself.”
Celestia decided to allow it. She was thankful Lawrence was honest enough to take responsibility for his actions...or inactions, as it were. She didn’t believe he had any control in how he came here, and yet he was still willing to clean up the damage he caused from it. Perhaps he was trustworthy after all...though she would still be on her guard around him.
She pointed towards one of her Sun Guards. “Find a broom and dustpan at once.”
Lawrence bowed, but made another suggestion. “Madam, mind if I request a mop and bucket as well?”
“So...let me get this straight. This town is called Equiville in the land of Ponestria. This land is ruled by a Principal...Soluna?” Qwark scratched his head in confusion.
Twilight facehoofed. This was the twelfth time she had gone over this with Qwark. Spike had resolved to go visit Rarity after the seventh time, not wanting to stick around any longer than that.
Before Spike had left, however, he had her send Princess Celestia a letter stating that a superhero called Captain Qwark has landed in Equestria and seemed harmless, if somewhat dim-witted. She stated she would continue to study him and educate him about Equestria while he stayed in Ponyville...assuming that the education would be easy enough to do at the time she wrote the letter. Oh, how wrong that would be.
“No, Qwark. Ponyville in the land of Equestria! We are governed by a Principality, and ruled over by Princesses Celestia and Luna!” she huffed.
“Right! I said all of that exactly!” Qwark smiled his trademark grin.
Twilight responded by throwing her hooves up and yelling in frustration. She’d have better luck trying to explain Advanced Magical Theory to Applejack at this rate.
Just then, Qwark’s stomach growled angrily.
“...erm, mind if we go find a place to eat? I didn’t exactly get my meal at Galaxy Burger earlier, and I’m starving!”
Twilight knew she was hungry too, but realized she didn’t know what Qwark was capable of eating.
“Um...Qwark, before I suggest a location, what does your diet consist of?”
Qwark thought for a moment before responding. “Twilight, I’ve eaten many foods throughout my heroic career. I can handle anything you can throw at me.”
Twilight grinned, thinking of a certain rainbow-making factory in Cloudsdale. “Anything, you say?”
“That’s right! Although…” Qwark looked around before he leaned into Twilight’s ear. “I really enjoy bananas if you have them. Oh, and ice cream!”
Twilight was familiar with both of those foods, and came up with a simple solution. “Well, I know a place that sells banana splits. Does that sound good to you?”
“Does it ever!” Qwark cheered, then made his way to the door...and realized he probably wouldn’t fit through it.
“Uh...Twilight, you happen to have another...superhero-sized entrance?”
Twilight’s eyes lowered, and she pointed to the hole in the roof of the library.
“OH! Right. I’ll...fix that later. In the meantime, is there another way out of here that I can fit through?”
Twilight thought for a moment, then came to a rather simple solution.
“Stand close to me, Qwark.”
Qwark had a confused look on his face, but obliged as he stood near her.
Suddenly, her horn began to glow, and in a flash of bright light, Qwark found himself standing outside the tree next to Twilight.
“Whoa! How did you do that?”
Twilight smiled as she looked up at him. “That was magic, Qwark. Teleportation magic, to be precise.”
“Using that horn of yours? That’s what unicorns are capable of, if I remember correctly,” Qwark stated with a thoughtful expression.
Twilight stared at him with an incredulous look. He remembered something she taught him?! There was hope for him yet!
“Exactly, Qwark!” Twilight cheered...then stopped when she realized she was making even more of a scene as ponies in the town had stopped to stare at the giant green creature towering above them.
Twilight quickly collected herself as she addressed the townsfolk. “Attention everypony! This is Captain Q-”
Qwark held a finger up to Twilight’s lips, shushing her on the spot. “Relaaaaaaax, Twilight. I know how to handle a crowd. Watch the master at work.”
Qwark straightened up, and began his own address to the townsfolk.
“Attention, citizens of Equiville! Your town shall be troubled no longer by any villain that seeks to harm it! I vow to protect you all from the next threat that seeks to endanger this quiet and comfortable land, for I am Captaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Qwaaaaaaaaaaaaaark!”
As he shouted his name, it had echoed through the town, down every street, through every open door and window, even reaching out towards Sweet Apple Acres, Fluttershy’s Cottage, and Rainbow Dash’s cloudy home.
If Twilight had any hope of Qwark’s integration into Ponyville being subtle and slow, he just shattered it with that announcement. She couldn’t stop herself from facehoofing again.
Nefarious had stopped flying, and was hovering in place.
Derpy noticed, and stopped as well. “What’s the matter, Nefarious?”
“I...thought I heard something. Whatever it was, it’s making me REALLY angry right now.”
“Angry, huh?” Derpy closed her eyes and thought for a moment. “Nope, can’t think of anything that would make me angry right now!”
Nefarious paused for a moment to consider his thoughts. There’s only one thing that would make him that mad, and that was if Qwark was alive. He couldn’t be, though. If Qwark’s crash-landing was anything like his own, he was probably dead!
Although...he HAD wormed his way out of dying before. Like when Nefarious had blown up his own star cruiser just to destroy Qwark. He was CERTAIN that had annihilated him then! However, he had lived somehow. If he could live through that...Qwark might still be alive even now.
It didn’t do him any favors thinking about it at this time.
“Nevermind, Derpy. Let’s just keep moving.”
“Uh...alright then!”
Just before both started to move towards Canterlot, a prismatic blur slammed into Nefarious, sending both a fair distance away from a confused looking Derpy...well, more confused than she usually looked.
Nefarious, meanwhile, was busy stabilizing himself and pushing back against the blur that struck him with all the force his thrusters could manage. Soon enough, he had brought him and his opponent to a standstill, who was now revealed to be a cyan-colored pony with a rainbow-colored mane and tail.
Nefarious grabbed the pony by their neck and tossed them aside. They had spun around for a moment before stabilizing themselves and hovering a short distance away from Nefarious.
“What is your PROBLEM, squishie?”
“Problem! I’ll tell you what the problem is...whatever you are! You’re holding that mare hostage!” She gestured to the gray pony, who was trying to approach them both as they began to argue.
“Stay away, Derpy!” The cyan pony and Nefarious shouted, then both said nothing else when they realized they said that at the exact same time.
“YOU know Derpy?” the cyan pony asked.
“Of COURSE I do, squishy! She’s my escort into Canterlot!” Nefarious explained.
“Hah, likely story,” the pony huffed, unconvinced.
Derpy interrupted. “It’s true, Rainbow Dash! Doctor Nefarious even saved my life as I fell toward Cloudsdale!”
Rainbow Dash? That was the name of this annoying squishie? Who names these creatures, anyway?!
At Derpy’s words, Rainbow Dash looked less tense, but no less combat-ready as she looked back toward Nefarious.
“Is that true, Nefarious?”
“If it wasn’t, she would be a pile of squishy goo right now,” Nefarious bitterly remarked.
Rainbow Dash didn’t like his attitude. He seemed so...evil, yet he was acting docile. The only creature she knew that acted this way now was Discord, and even though Fluttershy had reformed him, she still had doubts about whether or not that was actually true. To have another like Discord around only invited trouble to her.
“Now, before you so RUDELY interrupted, Derpy and I need to leave,” Nefarious stated, content the situation was resolved...in his eyes.
“Hey, stop calling me squishy!” she huffed. ‘The name is Rainbow Dash!”
Nefarious ignored her, thoroughly irritated by the prismatic pony at this point. “Come, Derpy, let’s be off before this squishy makes me do something I WON’T regret.”
Derpy nodded. “Sorry Dash. I told him I’d take him to Canterlot, and that’s what I’m gonna do.”
Rainbow Dash had a very bad feeling about that strange Nefarious guy. It was a feeling that he was up to no good while he was here. She wouldn’t let him out of her sight, no way, no how.
“Nuh-uh. I’m going with you guys.”
“WHAT?!” Nefarious yelled, turning around to face Dash once again.
“Listen squishy, I’m already compromising MY ethics dealing with one of you. I do NOT need a second squishy following me aro-”
Derpy placed a hoof on Nefarious’s shoulder. “Nefarious, let it go. I know Dash, and she can be...very stubborn at times. No offense, Dash.” She flashed a smile to Rainbow Dash as she said that last part.
“None taken,” Dash admitted. Even she knew she was an adamant pony at times.
Meanwhile, Nefarious considered his options. He probably couldn’t get rid of this pony through any nonviolent means...and if he tried violent means, that would make him out to be a threat against this land. He didn’t mind that happening somewhere along the line, but this early would put him at a major disadvantage.
As much as his computer logic HATED this conclusion, letting Rainbow Dash come with was the most sound solution for now.
Nefarious threw his claws up in defeat. He would have to let this slide...for now.
“Fine! Just don’t get in my way, squishy!” Nefarious flew off toward Canterlot, leaving both Derpy and Dash behind, only for Dash to show up next to him a second later, lazily flying with her belly up toward the sky.
“Hah, as if you could keep up with me, Nefarious!” she bragged.
A circuit fried in Nefarious’s brain. Was this squishy challenging his superiority?!
Nefarious picked up the pace. “You DARE think yourself better than me, squishy?! I’m the PINNACLE of mad science and robotic creation!”
“Sounds like that makes you the king of the eggheads!” Dash teased.
EGGHEAD?! Ooooooooh, this squishy was making him ANGRY now!
“At least I don’t look like something QWARK would draw when he was twenty six!”
Rainbow Dash didn’t know who or what a Qwark was (it sounded like an egghead word Twilight would use,) but it made her mad anyway.
Both Nefarious and Rainbow Dash were flying faster now, flinging insults back and forth at each other. Meanwhile, Derpy was barely keeping pace with the two of them, albeit her being a short distance away from them the whole time.
At this rate, Derpy estimated they would make it to Canterlot in less than twenty minutes...perhaps even less for them once they broke away from her. She knew Rainbow Dash was the fastest flyer in all of Equestria, but Nefarious was matching her pace the whole time...or was it the other way around? Derpy didn’t actually know how fast Nefarious could fly, but he was already flying faster than she could at her maximum wingpower.
Derpy began to wonder if having Rainbow Dash go along with them to Canterlot wasn’t such a good idea anymore.
Captain Qwark had achieved the impossible, at least from Twilight’s point of view. Despite having zero influence in the town of Ponyville, his boastful protection announcement managed to get some cheering from the crowd that had gathered around him. In a matter of mere seconds, he had already become a celebrity in the town, and Twilight had no idea how Qwark managed to do it in such a short time.
Meanwhile, Qwark was basking in the “oohs” and “aahs” as he waltzed through the town behind Twilight, making heroic poses and grand gestures as he went. Twilight thought Qwark was now an odd fusion of Iron Will and “The Great and Powerful Trixie”, yet somehow lacking their combined arrogance.
Twilight felt very uncomfortable getting this much attention. The last time she felt like this was when she had put an Ursa Minor to sleep, but to see Qwark taking it in stride so easily...he must be a superhero, or at least have a superego to match his appearance. Twilight wasn’t sure she could tell the difference right now.
They finally parted the crowd of ponies and made it to Sugar Cube Corner. Again, Qwark was too big to fit through the door to access the interior dining area, but the Corner did have an outside counter and a few chairs and tables set up around it.
Qwark’s unusually small waist seemed to fit perfectly into the chair, though the hulking mass of his body made his chair squeak uncomfortably. Qwark didn’t seem to notice, and Twilight quietly wished that the chair wouldn’t break.
Twilight approached the outside counter, and found a pony working there she had seen many times before.
“Hi Pinkie.”
The pink pony with poofy-pink mane hair turned around and smiled widely. “Hi Twilight! What brings you here?”
“Oh, I’m just-”
“Introducing a giant green space man to this town, right?!” She pointed towards Qwark
Twilight blinked. “Yes, Pinkie. How did you know?”
Pinkie’s smile was wider. “I felt a tail twitch earlier, which means something was falling from the sky! I looked up, and this giant green space man crashed into your library. I figured you’d bring him out sooner or later, and here he is!”
Twilight shook her head. “Right...well, his name is-”
“Captain Qwark! I heard him yell his name when he announced himself to the town! Also, the last reason you’re here is because you came for sweets, right?!”
Twilight sighed. “Correct, Pinkie. Qwark wants a-”
“Banana split, and you want two cupcakes!” Pinkie chirped.
“Okay, how did you know Qwark wanted that?!” Twilight shouted in frustration. She knew Qwark told her that in a secretive manner in the library, so there was no way Pinkie could have known-
“Oh, he smells like bananas! That’s how I know!” Pinkie cheered.
Twilight blinked again, then turned to Qwark and sniffed in his direction. Sure enough, she DID smell the sweet scent of bananas coming off him, albeit a faint smell. How did she not notice that before?!
Regardless, she hung her head in defeat. Pinkie somehow managed to know basically everything about Qwark and their visit and explained how she knew it all in less than thirty seconds from their arrival at Sugar Cube Corner.
In the time it took for Twilight to raise her head again, instead she saw a banana split and two cupcakes sitting on the counter, and Pinkie still there with a wide grin.
“That’ll be five bits,” Pinkie stated firmly.
Twilight pulled out a small cloth pouch and levitated five bits out and placed them on the counter. Pinkie counted them all before placing them in the register. Twilight gave her a quizzical look, and Pinkie shrugged, stating the last time she counted something wrong, she ended up about ten miles from where she was supposed to be.
Pinkie gave one last look at Qwark before returning to her work.
Twilight asked, “Don’t you want to say hi to him, Pinkie?”
“I can’t, I have tons of baking to do, Twilight! That and I need to look after Pound and Pumpkin as soon as I’m done. Mr. and Mrs. Cake have their own evening planned and they’ve asked me to babysit again. Busybusybusy!”
That was the last Twilight heard from Pinkie as she vanished from the counter and into the kitchen. Twilight levitated her cupcakes and Qwark’s banana split towards the table he was sitting at.
“Here you go, Qwark. My treat!”
“Well, thank you Twilight! You didn’t go and have to do that for me, though. I’ve got tons of bolts from all the various sponsorship deals, promotions, and general super heroic deeds I’ve performed over the many years I’ve been in action!” Qwark proudly declared as he began to dig into his banana split.
Twilight was only stuck on one word in that statement. “Bolts?” she asked.
Qwark stopped eating and reached into his other buttock pocket (NOT the one with his Crotchitizer) and pulled out some rather large screws, nuts, and bolts and placed them on the table. Twilight looked them over, thinking them to be rather oversized...but VERY shiny.
“All totaled up, that’s about ten thousand bolts where I come from. Not bad, eh?” Qwark smiled as he scooped up more ice cream.
Twilight blinked, looking at his currency, then to Qwark, then back to his currency again. She didn’t quite know what to think of it.
“Is...is that money where you come from?” she asked.
“It’s only the standard intergalactic currency widely accepted by over two hundred separate galaxies and counting. Why?”
“Well…” Twilight didn’t want to say this to him, but… ”Your ‘money’ might not be good here, Qwark.”
Qwark was about to take a bite of banana, but dropped it and his spoon as soon as she said that. Suddenly, his eyes turned watery...and pleading.
“You...you mean I’m BROKE?!” Qwark asked in despair.
“Until we have some sort of exchange rate for your bolts to bits...I’m afraid so.”
“OH, WHAT CRUEL IRONY!” Qwark yelled melodramatically. “I, Captain Qwark, had to land on a planet where my bolts are WORTHLESS!” Qwark slammed his head on the table and covered it with his hands, causing his split to topple over and one of Twilight’s cupcakes to fall off.
Twilight looked at the now feeble-looking Qwark and felt really bad for telling him the truth. However, something odd struck her as he looked at the blubbering green superhero. He reminded her of Rarity when she was in hard times...that’s IT!
“Qwark, I’m sorry for telling you about your money...but I think I can make it up to you.”
“No amount of banana splits will make up for my millions of hunks of scrap metal, Twilight.”
“Then how about an outfit or two made by the best fashion designer here in Ponyville?”
Qwark lifted his head and his eyes lit up. His disguises always helped him get out of tight spots before...or into them, whenever he was infiltrating one of Doctor Nefarious’s hideouts. It wasn’t money, but it would make him feel better.
He stood up with vigor and gusto, and said to Twilight, “Where’s this designer?”
Nefarious and Rainbow Dash made it to Canterlot in less than ten minutes. Both of them were flying at a speed just under the Sonic Rainboom threshold, yet neither of them noticed as they continued to fling names at each other.
Meanwhile, Derpy would take a bit longer to reach Canterlot, about five more minutes. When she got there, Rainbow Dash and Nefarious were STILL arguing, both of them hovering in front of the main castle door.
It was at this point Derpy had enough, and decided to point out where they were. “Uh...we’re finally in Canterlot, you two.”
“AND ANOTHER THING, SQUISH-” Nefarious yelled, but stopped when he heard Derpy. He looked down, and tentatively touched the ground with his feet, wanting to make sure it was solid.
Rainbow Dash noticed, and giggled. “What’s the matter, egghead? Take your first step here on a cloud?”
“SHUT UP, SQUISHY!”
Nefarious planted both feet on the ground, thankful there was solid ground to stand on at last.
“So, is this where Princess Celestia lives?” Nefarious asked.
“Yep! This is her castle. Huge, isn’t it?”
Nefarious shrugged. “I’ve built bigger robots than this castle.”
He walked up to the door, and kicked it hard. The door slammed open and revealed a very clean-looking throne room with a very simple, yet delicate design.
Nefarious HATED it. It gave NO sense of evil or fear. Nefarious took a step forward inside.
“Nefarious, wait-” Derpy said, but it was too late.
Nefarious slipped and fell on his back. Dash laughed as soon as she saw this, while Derpy nervously looked away.
Nefarious did the only thing he felt like doing at that time. Screaming Lawrence’s name.
“LAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCE!”
“Right here, sir.” Lawrence popped up to the left of Nefarious, holding a wet mop in one hand.
“Lawrence! What are you doing?!” Nefarious yelled as he rose to his feet.
“Mopping the floor, sir. Didn’t you see the sign?” Lawrence pointed to a “Caution: Wet Floor” sign nearby depicting a pony slipping and falling.
Derpy said nothing. She noticed the sign first, but didn’t want to say anything to Nefarious. He seemed really mad right now.
“Aaaaagh! WHY are you doing this, then?”
“Repaying a debt, sir, for breaking a stained glass window upon my entrance.” Lawrence pointed up toward the broken window with a large, rounded hole in it.
Nefarious grumbled, somewhat happy that Lawrence had caused destruction upon his entrance, yet had decided to clean it up not long after.
“What is going on out here, Lawrence?” Boomed a regal voice as Celestia came in, having heard Nefarious scream Lawrence’s name earlier.
“Ah, my employer has arrived, madam.”
“Doctor Nefarious, I presume?” Celestia asked toward the blue robot that was now present in her throne room.
“CORRECT! And who are you, squishy?” Nefarious asked apprehensively.
“I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria,” she stated firmly.
FINALLY, Nefarious has seen the ruler of this land in person. It didn’t really surprise him that it was another pony, though she did look bigger compared to Derpy and the blue squishy pony. Already, the gears in his head spun as he began to formulate a plan to take care of Celestia, but she interrupted with some news.
“Also, I have just received a letter from a former student of mine. It mentioned another creature that had crashed into Ponyville.” Celestia paused.
She wasn’t sure why, but she felt saying the name of this creature was a bad idea. Still, she wanted to know if these two robots knew the name, and more importantly if they were all related to each other, and thus came from the same place.
“Do either of you know a...Captain Qwark?” she asked.
Nefarious’s eye twitched, and he found himself shouting his nemesis’s name.
“QWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”
Nefarious’s brain short-circuited, and he was frozen in place as a familiar soap opera began to play from his head.
