A story in which you learn that shovels hurt
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Every Rose has its Thorns.... and a Shovel or Two
A story in which you learn that shovels hurt
You smiled as you stared into the mirror, adjusting your mask and checking to see if your stompy boots were fastened tightly. No longer were you that tall, human thing that Twilight did experiment-y things on. You were, for all intents and purposes at the moment, a big scary monster that was going to go out and scare the pants off some ponies.
...If they wore pants, that is.
Ever since your odd landing in this wonderful world of Equs, more specifically in the land of Equestria, you had actually fit in quite well, a little too well if you were honest with yourself.
You were pretty sure that if an alien lifeform fell out of the sky on Earth there would be mass panic, governments would be mobilizing armies and people would be whimpering fearfully in their basements while they waited to be enslaved. But here, all you got was a friendly hoofshake and a hearty hello, which oddly put you off, if you were being honest with yourself.
You fell in the middle of a kingdom full of ponies for crying out loud! If these little buggers were anything like their kin back on Earth they would have run for the hills at the mere sight of you.
But nope, all you got for being a giant, scary alien were ponies always asking you to reach for things on high shelves for them, some harp playing unicorn basically stalking you for some reason, and regularly being experimented on by the towns local princess/librarian.
Not that you were a sadist by any means, you actually LIKED many of the ponies in Ponyville, but was just one little town panic too much to ask?
But apparently ponies dealt with things way scarier than you on a regular basis, so your dreams of spreading panic were seemingly crushed by the multi-colored and adorable populace.
Until you heard about them.
After living in this sleepy little town for a few weeks you had happened upon some stories of great interest to you, stories about three certain sisters who had caused the town to go into a panicked frenzy on more than one occasion over the silliest little things.
After a little poking around you finally found out the names of these answers to your prayers of terrorizing ponykind, the flower sisters Roseluck, Daisy, and Lily.
After finding this little bit of information -remember, you are not a sadist, just a person that enjoys scaring people, there’s a difference- you had gotten a cheap mask from a certain party pony and your stompy, mud-kicking boots that you had brought with you from Earth with one thing in mind; scaring the flower sisters so badly that all of Ponyville would be running away from you, consequences be damned.
Still smiling, you hide your mask in your pocket and make your way downstairs, telling the pony that had been housing you, princess Twilight Sparkle, that you were going to be gone for an hour or two.
The mare looked up from her book, giving you an adorkable little smile. ‘Alright,” she said. “Just don’t get into any trouble!”
You lied, telling her that you would be good, though you weren’t able to keep yourself from rubbing your hands together manically before you opened the door, making your way out in the lovely weather to scar some ponies for life with your scariness
All but skipping around the town, you looked out for your prey, finally finding them in the market district selling various flowers and flower accessories, as they were known to do. The three sisters were standing behind their cart, talking to customers and making sure that their wares looked pristine, not at all ready for what was about to happen to them.
This was just another happy, terror-less day for them, one in which they would sell all of the flowers that they had and would then go home, go to sleep, and do it again.
At least, that was what was going to happen before you spotted them.
With the stealth of a ninja in slippers you stalked the alleyways until you were pretty much behind the sisters' cart, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, which presented itself about an hour later when the cart was relatively empty of customers who would see you.
With a smile you leisurely took out your werewolf mask-which you found odd that Pinkie would have something like this anyway, you don’t remember Twilight tell you about, eh it wasn’t important at the moment- and put it on, adjusting it so you could see out of the eyeholes.
Doing a couple of quiet practice roars with scary arm waves added just for fun you poked your head out of the alley and, seeing that the coast was mostly cleared, you took your chance, creeping behind the unsuspecting flower sisters, a big grin still on your face.
As you were right behind the three you couldn’t help but feel that nagging feeling that this was wrong, that these kind, giving ponies didn’t deserve being scared by you. That feeling was instantly crushed when you imagined the looks on the threes face after you did this.
By now some ponies had noticed that you were behind the sisters, but, confident that anything that they tried to do would only help increase the flower sisters fear, you sprang into action. Widening your stance you sucked in a huge lungful of air, and, with a smile still on your face, you released it.
“RAWWWWWWRRRRRR!”
Like you planned, the sisters jumped in fright from your scary awesomeness; they also gave off high-pitch, girly screams that almost sounded like music to your ears. But then one of the sisters, Lily you think, did something you weren’t expecting.
Still screaming in panic, the mare grabbed the closest thing to her, which happened to be a shovel, and spun around, swinging the tool as hard as she could be beat off the ‘monster’.
Luckily for you they were little ponies so they couldn’t wail you in the noggin, but the bad news was that, though they were little, they were much stronger that you, so when Lily hit the side of your knee you when spinning sideways in the air for a second or two before hitting the ground hard in a mess of pain.
Groaning, you took off the mask, instantly regretting with every fiber of your being that you had decided to do this and holding your probably broken knee with your hand, blinking the stars from your gaze.
“Blood for the blood god!!!”
Wat?
With a few more quick blinks you noticed another one of the flower sisters, Roseluck you think, standing over you with a mixture of terror and anger on her face. While this in itself wasn’t that bad- you had been on the receiving end of many a woman's scorn- she did seem to have a hoe raised above her head and she looked about ready to mash your potatoes with it.
“Skulls for the skull throne!!!”
With a bout of speed that only that wonderful emotion fear could provide, you rolled away just as the crazy pony brought the hoe down with an earth-shattering amount of force, pretty much every now-confused eye in the market on you and the sisters, who all were now carrying many, many dangerous gardenware tools.
As you scrambled away in terror, stuttering apologies, pleading, anything that would save your hide, the flower sisters narrowed their eyes at you, Roseluck pulling the hoe from the earth and hefting it, all of them ready to defend themselves and just mess your day up.
“Ladies,” you said, not managing to keep a tremble out of your voice. “Now how about we all just calm down and put the shovels and hoes down, huh?” You give them your best smile to try to seal the deal.
The sisters looked at each other questioningly, ignoring all of the ponies who were quickly leaving the area, lowering their weapons slightly. Maybe they had overreacted just a little bit, maybe you weren’t a big, scary monster after all.
With single nods the mares smiled slightly, each other them deciding to give you a chance… Until Daisy saw your canines that is. Gasping, the pink mare pointed it out to her sisters, both whom looked at you with steely glints in their eyes.
Of course a monster would lie to them! But they wouldn’t be swayed by your lies any longer, and they were going to deal with you the only way they knew how, by beating the tar out of you and dumping you back in the Everfree where you belonged!
Seeing the three angry glares you gulped, trying to figure out how to save your hide. Your eyes widened a little when you thought of the perfect pony to save you, Twilight. She was a super magical, pretty pony princess! If she couldn’t blow them up then she could banish them or som-
You were interrupted from your mental ramblings by the sister’s battle cries, reminding you that daydreaming in front of the ponies that wanted to cut your crusts wasn’t the best of ideas. So you do what any bonafide, grade-A coward or famous pirate would do, you spun around, now screaming in terror, and ran as fast as your legs could take you down the street.
Luckily for you, since you were bigger than the mares, you were a bit faster than them. The bad news was that the mares, knowing that they couldn’t catch you, had begun to throw various sharp, pointy things at you.
A hoe missed you by a hair's breadth, and a shear missed your head by an inch. You were pretty sure that they even threw a hose at you as you turned the corner to see the promised land, Twilight’s tree/librarything.
“TWILIGHT!” You screamed in an embarrassingly high-pitched voice, dodging another gardening tool of death. “HELPMEHELPMEHELPME!”
Wishing that you had taken Rainbow up on her offer to, for once, get you in shape, you stumbled to the door and began pounding on it with all of your might, not daring to look back and forgetting -not because you’re a moron, you’re actually a pretty smart individual normally- that you could of just walked right in.
You heard some grumbling, which was followed by chairs sliding, which was thankfully followed by an irritated Twilight opening the door.
“There’s no need to keep banging,” she muttered. “This is a library for Pete’s sake, you can just walk in and-” She looked up, finally noticing that it was you and you were giving her the most pitiful, terrified look that she had ever seen.
Furrowing her brow the alicorn looked past you to see the flower sister, decked out in their ridiculous weaponry, all screaming angrily at the top of their lungs and running as quickly as they could at you. Twilight hummed to herself, looking at you then back at them then back at you a few times, a calm look on her face.
“Nope,” she simply said to you, taking a step back, closing and locking her door, and flipping over her open sign to close. “I’m not going to deal with this,” she told you from the safety of her house. “I’ll send a letter to the Princess, she’ll figure this out… Just hang in there, you’ll be alright… probably…”
You can only stare at the now-closed door with bewilderment and more than a little bit of betrayal. Wasn’t that purple nerd supposed to be the princess of friendship or something?!
“TWILIGHT!” You roar, now rather upset. “YOU COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW AND SAVE MY-”
Thump!
You freeze when you feel something cold and metallic touching your cheek, and turning just slightly, you see that a hedge clipper had just missed you by nanometers, burying itself into the tree to deeply that you probably couldn’t pull it out.
All you could do was whimper like a little girl as the flower sisters descended upon you, shovels in each of their angry little mouths, screaming one final time before they started to whack you without mercy.
The townsponies, still a safe distance from the dangerous action, watched with various levels of amusement, confusion, and shock as you were knocked off your feet and then hit in the head.
“MY NOGGIN!”
And in chest.
“MY GAM’S!”
And in someplace where you really didn’t want to get hit.
“MY BABY BANK’S!”
At least the shovels were in their mouths so their whacking power wasn’t enough to seriously hurt you, though you were screaming like a little girl with each angry swing. This situation was so bizarre for you that you could almost hear the sad clown singing opera slowly with each strike.
You have no idea long this torture -no matter how deserved, it was still torture to you- lasted but as suddenly as they had started, they stopped, leaving you whimpering on the ground in the fetal position.
For about two minutes you kept your eyes closed, thinking that the mares were just waiting for you to open your peepers so they could look you in the eyes while they continued to beat you. But, getting curious, you opened an eye cautiously to see every pony in the area bowing deeply.
With a pained groan you sat up to see your savior, her big wings spread out majestically and an irritated smile on her face, the giant horse/pony casting a glare in your direction. It was none other than the princess of the sun, the eater of cake, and-to you at least- the best princess, Princess Celery.
...Or something like that; you weren’t the best at names, and the princesses was a doozy to remember.
You don’t remember lifting your injured, battered, and bruised body and running toward your savior but there you were, not five seconds later, hugging Celery’s leg like she was your only lifeline.
The princess let out an annoyed sigh as she looked down at your quivering form, trying to shake you off while still trying to seem graceful.
“Now what seems to be the problem here, my little ponies?” She asked, looking into the crowd and not noticing that the flower sisters were looking at each other in horror.
The princess was in trouble! That monster had its claws on her, trying to eat their princess! The mares turned to glare at you, Daisy getting on her hind legs and hefting her shovel like a javelin. They weren’t going to let their princess fall under your diabolical clutches! They were going to stop you!
With a very unponylike roar, Daisy launched the shovel at you, the weapon flying in a perfect arch right toward you. Though the throw was about thirty feet and not all the impressive in actuality, the mare may as well of thrown it from a thousand feet away with ACDC playing in the background with the way the terror wormed its way back into your mind.
You could only watch in horror as the shovel made its way toward you, a hair’s breadth away from soiling yourself, but still ready to die with a little bit of dignity… If screaming like a little girl was a way to die with dignity.
While you were screaming Celery rolled her eyes, her horn glowing as the shovel got within breathing distance of you, the sharpened end bit touching your nose before the princess stopped it with her magic.
With a sigh the princess raised an eyebrow at the flower sisters, instantly cowing them, then she looked down at you with a disapproving look that would give a nun a run for her money. “Now, human,” she said. “What and the hay did you do?”
…
Dear Princess Celery,
I’ve been in this wonderful kingdom of your long enough to learn some valuable lessons, and recently I’ve learned a few more. Like even though your roommate likes you doesn’t mean that she’ll save you from being beaten to death. I’ve also learned the most cliche lesson of all, never judge a book by its cover.
I mean, just because you heard that some ponies might be easy to scare doesn’t mean that it’s true; in fact it might mean that they’re bloodthirsty psychos that will beat you to death if you look at them funny.
Never again will I terrorize ponies again, and that’s the honest truth!...Probably...
Your kinda faithful, not-really student
You put down the quill and inspected your work, humming in satisfaction, before blowing on the ink to dry it quicker.
“Well, there’s my friendship report thingy!” You said, adjusting your arm-sling. Getting up slowly from the table you made your way over to a very annoyed looking princess Celery, who was sitting in her sweet giant beanbag chair thingy.
“Here you go, Princess!” You cheerfully told her, ignoring her look.
The alicorn gave you her best fake smile, taking the paper out of your hands with magic. “Thank you, dear,” she said before she began to read. “Now I hoped you learne-” She stopped to look up at you, an exasperated look on her face.
“Human, my name is Celestia, not Celery.”
You looked at her, your eyes widening in realization. “Ohhh!” You said. “I guess you learn something every day!”
The alicorn just groaned, putting her head in her hooves. “I’m getting too old for this nonsense,” she muttered, still thinking on how she was going to get you out of her room. She wasn’t going to succeed though, cause you’re sure as heck not going back to Ponyville.
The flower sisters are there.
The End
