Chapter 1: Peep And Poke And Press And Prod
The hall in the castle was abandoned, empty of any residents both servant and guard alike. A door stood at the end of the hallway, beautiful adorned with an extravagant gold finish and silver molding. An image engraved in the center of the doorway of a rising sun set in a backdrop of shining rays made it painfully obvious this was an important door of some sort.
Before too long, the empty hall had its abandoned nature ruined when two guards passed down it. The two pegasus males both looked nearly identical, with the same color pristine white coats and blue manes along with golden armor.
Stopping at the door, the first guard turned to his partner and asked, “Hey, Blitz, you sure we’re supposed to be guarding this door?”
Blitz shrugged, turning around to stare down the length of the empty hall with his back to the door. “I dunno, Cleft, I just do what the commander orders.”
Cleft turned and stood at attention likewise. “I guess. But I coulda sworn the commander said to skip this on our guard route.”
“Isn’t this one of Princess Celestia’s private chambers?” Blitz asked.
Cleft looked over his shoulder at the the door that cost probably more than he’ll ever make in several hundred lifetimes, then back to Blitz with a deadpan expression. “What makes you say that?”
“Don’t have to be a smartass about it,” Blitz muttered.
“Don’t have to be a dumbass about it,” Ceft slyly replied.
Blitz rolled his eyes and sneered at his companion. “Okay, Mister Smartass, then tell me why we’re guarding this door if the commander told us not to?”
“Hey now, I’m not sure if the commander said to guard it or not.”
Blitz cocked a brow. “Were you even paying attention at the time?”
Cleft remained silent for a few seconds, eyes wandering about everywhere except to Blitz. “... Of course I was.”
“You were daydreaming about banging that cute castle maid you’ve had your eyes on, weren’t you?”
Biting his lower lip with sweat pouring down the back of his neck like bullets, Cleft said, “Um… no—no, of course I wasn’t!”
“You dipshit!” Blitz snapped, smacking the back of his partner’s head. “Now we’re either guarding a door we’re not supposed to when we could’ve gotten off early if we didn’t guard this door! You know how much of a moron you are?”
“Takes one to know one!” Cleft replied, rubbing the back of his helmet sorely.
Before Blitz could reply back with an equally witty retort, his ears perked upward. “Did you hear something?” Blitz whispered.
“All I can hear is your big mouth yapping on and on,” Cleft answered before Blitz shoved a hoof into his trap.
“Shush it, moron! I think I can hear something from the door,” Blitz whispered, slowly releasing Cleft’s muzzle. Scooting closer to the large keyhole situated in the center of the door, Blitz leaned his ear closer to it. “Yeah… yeah, I can hear two ponies in there.”
“Who are they?” Cleft whispered, trying to hear as well before his partner pushed him off. “Are they trespassing?”
“If you can shut your trap for longer than five seconds, I can tell!” Blitz silently snapped at Cleft. Huffing under his breath, Blitz moved his ear closer to the keyhole.
“Twilight, dear, are you sure you don’t want another glass?” a vaguely familiar feminine voice asked.
“I… I think I’m fine,” the other mare replied, a slight hic following the end of her sentence. “That wine you have sure is strong.”
“It’s a special vintage made in the wine cellars under the castle.” A chuckle could be heard, with the shake of a bottle following it. “Sorry if I got one too potent for you.”
“No, no, it’s fine. At least I have you to help me finish it.”
Female giggles were the last sound Blitz heard before he backed away. His eyes were wide from fright, and his coat was an even paler white than usual, which was an accomplishment in itself. “Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no, no! Cleft, dude, this is bad!”
“What’s the big deal?” Cleft asked, peeking into the keyhole with an eager eye. “We’re just guarding a door is all.”
“But this is the door to—”
“Celestia’s private chambers,” Cleft finished for him. His pupil had shrunk considerably as his jaw fell open.
The famed private chambers made specially for Princess Celestia herself. No one exactly knew what went on behind those walls, or even where the chambers were most of the time. Rumor has it that they magically appeared and disappeared throughout the castle on a regular basis so that their general location isn’t exactly known. Sometimes a guard could be standing in front of an inconspicuous door one day, and then the next it’s a broom closet. No one made much of an event of it or even gossip, since even the princess needed some alone time from all prying eyes… except for Cleft and Blitz, at the moment.
“Dear Celestia, we just can’t eavesdrop on Celestia! And especially not with Princess Twilight in there as well!” Blitz said urgently. Tugging at Cleft’s shoulder, Blitz tried to sidestep backwards. “We gotta go now before we’re banished or locked in the dungeon forever!”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re right,” Cleft said, eye never breaking contact with the keyhole of the door. “Just… gimme a few minutes.”
Blitz facehoofed. “You cannot be serious!”
“Shut it! It’s just getting to the good parts!” Cleft smiled and inched his face closer, squeezing his cheek against the door. “Just listen.”
“Oh Twilight, your wings are absolutely splendid. What shampoo do you use for them?” Celestia asked. The ruffling of feathers that came soon after was accompanied by a sigh of content. “I could never get mine so soft and plush that it feels like I’m preening a cloud.”
“Just some special soap Fluttershy made for me. It has some herbs from her garden. I’m glad you enjoy it.” A small moan could be heard.
“Whoa, dude, what’s happening?” Blitz asked. He strained one eye to get a better view from the keyhole, but Cleft blocked him off. “I can’t see a thing.”
“Sorry, but Mister Smartass here is a bit busy.” Cleft’s smile widened considerably as a low moan sounded from the other room. “Please return when you’re less of a dumbass.”
Blitz smacked Cleft on the back of the head. The rattle of the helmet against his skull caused Cleft to fall to the ground in a great deal of head pain, which he managed to bite back from revealing in a girlish scream because of fear of alerting the princesses of their presence.
“I think that satisfied the requirement of a decrease in dumbassery, don’t you think, Cleft?” Blitz asked. Cleft’s only reply was a low moan.
Returning to the to the keyhole, Blitz just heard Celestia say, “Twilight, your coat is so velvety.” Celestia giggled, her voice slurred by abundant use of alcoholic beverages. “Is that also because of some special soap Fluttershy gave to you?”
“No, just a trip to the Ponyville salon was all it took,” Twilight replied. “It took all day, but I knew it would be worth it.”
“You didn’t have to go through such trouble just for me.”
“Oh man, this is getting heavy,” Blitz muttered to himself. His eyeball was practically hanging out of the socket from how far his face was pressed against the keyhole.
“Well, I did know it would be a special night,” Twilight whispered seductively. “Only right to prepare myself.”
“Come on, come on,” Blitz begged in a quiet voice, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as a sheen of sweat appeared on his forehead. “Touch… touch hooves.”
“Ugh… my frickin noggin,” Cleft groaned, rubbing underneath his helmet where a large bump protruded from atop his head. Glaring at his perverted partner, Cleft kicked out from his place on the ground an area of Blitz’s body left wide open and defenseless for the taking.
Blitz wheezed all the air out of his lungs as he slowly slid to the floor, lips puckered in and mouth held tightly closed. While Blitz was busy clenching his very sore essential set of parts for reproduction, Cleft dragged himself over his body and reached out like a dying pony for his salvation the door handle. Lugging himself upward, he peeped through the keyhole once more.
“My… frickin nuts,” Blitz silently cried.
“Shut it, it’s just getting to the good parts!” Cleft hissed.
“My good parts are broken!”
“No one cares, and no one ever will at the rate you pick up mares! Now quiet, you’re like a broken record!” Cleft angrily whispered, not bothering to break his view.
“What are they doing now?” Blitz tearfully asked.
“Just some shuffling. Too many cushions in the way. I think they’re… ooh boy, they are!” Cleft chuckled. “I didn’t even know the princess was that flexible.”
“Which princess? These are the type of questions that are important!”
Cleft strained his eyes and shrugged. “I dunno for sure. They’re both wearing socks, so it’s hard to tell.” Cleft whistled in a low tone. “And now those socks are gone. Wow, she’s really using her teeth to get it off. Along with other things as well…”
“That’s it, move over!” Blitz kicked Cleft’s hooves out from under him and pile-drove him to the ground, forcing his face into the floor. Still pushing downward, Blitz got appropriate footing over his partner and managed to keep him pinned down to the floor while he got the top position so as to see through the keyhole.
Just then a scream tore through the hall, and the location of such loud outburst of noise came from nowhere else but Celestia’s private chambers. Blitz slammed his face so hard against the door he was sure he’d have the keyhole imprinted on his eyeball.
“Oh Celestia, please, be gentle,” Twilight whispered, a low moan escaping her lips.
“Don’t worry, my sweet.” More moans followed this, along with Celestia shouting out, “Right there, Twilight! You’re glorious!”
“Man… I cannot for the life of me get a better view of what is going on,” Blitz complained. He moved his neck to and fro, positioning his eye for better visibility but unable to find it.
“That’s cause you have too much of a big head,” Cleft replied disdainfully from his position underneath his partner’s rump.
“What does my head have to do with this?”
Cleft reached out with a hoof and slammed it down right where Blitz was struck not thirty seconds ago. His girlish scream matched Twilight’s perfectly, though him falling flat on his back was more of a ruckus. The bang of Blitz’s armor hitting the floor echoed throughout the hallway.
“Wait, Twilight, did you hear something?” Celestia asked.
Twilight’s breath came out in deep pants and gulps for more air. “I don’t… think so. I was a bit too busy to pay attention.”
“I could’ve sworn…”
“Damnit, Cleft, I won’t be able to walk right for a week now,” Blitz muttered in a low voice as to not alert Celestia or Twilight. He struggled upward, still gripping his bruised package. “What am I gonna tell the captain now?”
Cleft got to all fours and muttered, “Tell him you’re a frickin—” Cleft’s mouth shut immediately as he held both hooves over it.
Blitz rubbed the side of his head, the back of his skull still in pain when he fell on the floor from earlier. Looking up, Blitz noticed Cleft’s terrified expression. “What?’ Blitz asked. Cleft shook his head, pointing to Blitz. “What is it? Do I have something on my face?”
“Your helmet,” Cleft hissed, tapping the top of his head. “It’s gonna fall off. Don’t move a muscle.”
“Whoa, seriously?” Blitz asked, turning his head. The loosely attached helmet teetered and tottered atop Blitz’s skull, Blitz’s mane barely keeping it in place after it dislodged itself slightly from Blitz’s fall.
Time seemed to slow down as the helmet slowly slid out of place. Cleft could have done something to stop it. Anything, really. But he was too petrified to move a muscle, only watching in mute horror as the helmet was finally free. Moments ticked by like hours as the helmet faced the cruel fate of gravity’s hand and met the floor with a resounding ding of metal against marble.
“Blitz, cheese it!” Cleft yelled, scrambling away.
“I don’t wanna die young!” Blitz added on, following his partner as the two ran like extra lubed-up greased lightning.
Once the two guards had cleared the premises, Celestia opened the door of her chambers and looked down either way of the hall with a perplexed expression on her face. “That was odd, I could have sworn someone was here,” Celestia said. Looking down, she noticed a lone guard’s helmet on the floor before the door. “Well, well, it looks like there was.”
“Who was it, Celestia?” Twilight asked, tipsy on her feet.
“Nobody. Just a couple of guards who got a bit excited,” Celestia replied, climbing over the pillow fort the two of them made to get to the Twister game they had set up in the center of it. “I was sure I had ordered this door unguarded for the night to give us some private time.”
Twilight shrugged, taking another swill of her wine glass. “Stallions can be such perverts sometimes.”
“I know, right?” Celestia poured herself another glass. “I mean, two mares can’t just have a sleepover without everypony in the land thinking it’s something else. Also, how is your injury?”
“It’s fine,” Twilight replied, wincing when she touched her head. “You sure weren’t kidding when you said you play Twister for keeps.”
“When the socks come off, I rock!” Celestia laughed. Setting her wine glass down, she stretched and cracked some kinks in her neck. “Whoo-boy, I don’t think I’ve played that hard in months.”
“We sure did go at it,” Twilight agreed, finishing off her glass in a very unlady-like burp.
“Hey, you know what would really be neat? A bath!” Celestia grinned wide. “Just for the two of us to share, of course.”
“But don’t you have a shower?” Twilight asked.
“Even better!”
