Step One: Pick your Target
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step One: Pick your Target

Twilight sighed as she put her pointer down, a feeling of accomplishment welling up inside of her when she heard the only person that had sat down and listened to her lecture start to clap.

While usually disappointed that her lecture listeners were so few in number that she could count them with a single hoof—she put a lot of effort in her lectures after all—this time the low attendance was okay. This wasn’t one of those lectures that needed dozens of ponies to listen to and see. No, this lecture was for just a single person.

And Hopefully, thought the newly-crowned alicorn as she turned toward her friend and flashed him her best smile. This will help him with his relationship troubles.

While most ponies would hit the floor laughing at the mere thought of Twilight giving them relationship advice—a mare who’d blush every time a stallion looked at her couldn’t be a love guru, no matter how many books she read up on the subject—but this certain friend wasn’t even a pony, so the would-be shipper could get away with it.

No, this creature that was sitting on her couch and eating her chips, was something that, until very recently, had never been seen in Equestria, maybe never seen in this world. This mystery creature, nay, this scientific oddity that pony-science had trouble understanding, was none other than Antaeus the human.

Though his name made him sound like a god among men, the young creature Anny- which he preferred to be called since so many ponies had problems pronouncing his name- was just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill character.

He was on time for work daily, he paid his taxes, he cowered in the safety of his home whenever Twilight and her friends had one of their “days,” and he bought apples just like any citizen of Ponyville. The only thing that he had a problem with in his adjustment with the equines—and Twilight and her friends found this odd to the point of madness when he told them—was that he was a bit of a xenophobe where relationships were concerned.

After a bit of explaining on the human’s part, Twilight had found out that on the human’s home planet, Earth, they were the only sapient life forms, so courting or loving anything other than a human was downright frowned upon.

This xenophobia was so bad that for almost a year Antaeus had either ignored or rebuffed any attempts of courtship, even though Twilight could see how alone her friend felt.

Finally, the Queen of the Bookworms had had enough, and, after weeks of research on her part, she decided to do something about it. Dragging him to her humble abode one day, the alicorn lectured him—gently of course, she didn’t want to scare him off after all—on how silly he was acting.

‘We, and most of the species on this planet for that matter, were thinking, feeling beings, just like him’—she had told him—not the animals that they resembled back in Earth. So if he cared about a pony, or anything else for that matter, it didn’t matter what they looked like, so long as he loved them for what they were on the inside.

Antaeus was skeptical at first—a lifetime of learning wasn’t going to be changed in a single night—but the alicorn was persistent, showing the human that her fellow ponies loved, laughed, created, and hated with the best of humanity.

This was the epitome of all of her efforts though, one last lecture to finally get him over his fears and learn to love the pony, and—because of the clapping—she was sure that she finally won him over.

She didn’t get to the nitty-gritty of relationships with this lecture; everypony knew that babies came from the stork and she was sure that it was the same on the human’s planet so she didn’t bother, but she was sure that she had made her point.

“Bravo, bravo, Twilight!” Anny said, getting up and walking over to pat her on the head. “Your best yet, I’d say!”

The alicorn couldn’t stop a blush from appearing on her face as she beamed up at the human, stopping when she saw the teasing smile on his face. “...You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” she asked, slightly irritated that Antaeus was poking fun at her hard work. Again.

She got another pat on the head in response, Anny’s grin not leaving his face. “Teasing, Twilight, just teasing,” he told the bookworm, trying not to laugh when she sat on her rump and folded her front-hooves in a pouting gesture. “It’s not like this is the twentieth one that you’ve made me listen to or anything.”

Twilight huffed indignantly. “I’ve only had you sit through twelve lectures, for your information!” For some reason, this only made the human chuckle.

“Did you at least learn anything?” she demanded.

To her surprise, the human’s grin vanished from his face, a somber look replacing it as he turned around and sat back on her couch, Twilight following him.

“Well, Twilight,” Antaeus said after a little thought. “I’ve been thinking about what you’ve been saying these past few months, and I think you’re right; I have been silly about this whole thing.”

Twilight had to keep herself from hopping around the room in excitement. Is this what Cadence feels when she helps ponies? she thought, giving Antaeus a bright smile.

“Oh?”

The human nodded, running his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, and would you believe that I think I’ve found someone that I think I’d like to ask out?”

The alicorn raised an eyebrow. “Who’s the lucky mare?” After a little thought she added, “Or stallion.” She raised her hooves in defense when she saw Anny’s look. “Hey, I don’t know your sexual orientation.”

While the human huffed, the alicorn ran through Antaeus’s possible crushes. Well, Rarity would be an obvious choice; she practically has stallions hanging on her every word. Or maybe Nurse Redheart, Antaeus and her seemed to hit it—

“I’m going to try to ask Princess Celestia out!”

Twilight’s eyes widened in shock. “W-What?”

The human, not seeing her look, continued with a semi-confident smile. “Yeah, she seems really nice and even when I wasn’t thinking about dating ponies I thought she was kinda good-looking so I think I should go—”

Now, Antaeus knew that Twilight and her mentor were very close, so he was a little nervous in admitting his feelings for someone who was pretty much the purple alicorn's second mother. At worst, he expected Twilight to kindly tell him off.

What he did not expect was the little pony tackling him to the ground, her face uncomfortably close to his while she stood on his chest, all while yelling at him a mile a minute.

“Youcan’tfallinloveshe’lltellyou’llnoandyou’llbecrushedan—”

The human sighed internally, letting her get her little panic-attack out of her system. Unfortunately for him, Twilight ‘The Book-Hound’ Sparkle had quite a lot of panic in her little purple body, so it wasn’t long before he had a hand clamp her mouth shut.

“Twilight,” the human calmly said as she looked down at him in panic. “Remember the breathing exercises that Princess Cadence taught you.” He inhaled deeply. “Breathe in.” He exhaled. “And out. Do it with me.”

Twilight did just that, doing breathing exercises with Antaeus until she calmed down enough to smile down at him. “Thank you, Anny,” she said gratefully, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. “I got a little bit carried away.”

“Twilight, could you get off my chest? You’re making it a little hard to breathe.”

Now blushing hard, Twilight got off the human, her ears pinned against her head in shame. ‘“Sorry sorry!”

The human patted her on the head. “Calm down, Twilight, there’s no harm done. Now, what has you in such a tizzie?” He looked at her, unsure. “Do you think I’m not good enough for your teacher?”

That turned the princess into a shimmering, apologizing mess. “N-No, it’s not that!” she protested. “It’s just that I don’t want you to get your feelings hurt!”

Antaeus blinked, suddenly unsure about himself. “Why? It’s not like she’s dating anyone right now, right?”

Twilight shook her head. “Anny, she’s had thousands of suitors, stallion and mare, and she hasn’t picked a single one!”

The human blinked. “Really?”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah! The chances of her actually saying yes to you is infinitesimal!” She looked up at the human, casting a careful eye over him. If she was being honest with herself, Antaeus was a strapping young man, in an exotic, alien sort of way.

Maybe he was a super stallion stud back in his world, so I don’t need to be worried, she thought, trying to figure this odd situation out. “Well, Anny, have you ever tried courting anypony before?”

Her hopes plunged when she saw the look that Anny was giving her. “Well… no,” he admitted, Twilight silently groaning at that little bit of information. “But I was hoping that you could help me out!”

And now Twilight was hyperventilating. “Why would you ask for my help? I haven’t had a colt-friend since I was nine! And that was with one of my stuffed animals while I was make-believing!”

“Well, I thought that since you knew her, you’d be able—”

“OHSWEETCELESTIAYOU’REGOINGTOBELETDOWNSOHARDAND—”

“STOP PANICKING!” the human yelled, now shaking the bookworm. “LET’S JUST CALM DOWN AND THINK ABOUT THIS!”

“ALRIGHT! BUT WE NEED TO STOP YELLING!”

The two stopped, panting while a slightly worried Spike came down the stairs to look at them. Clearing his throat, the dragon asked, “...Is something going on?” accidentally unleashing the madness that was the human and his step-sister.

“ANNY’SGOINGTOGETLETDOWNANDHE’LLFEELREALLYBAD!”

“TWILIGHT’SFLIPPINGOUTANDSHEWON’TSTOPYELLING!”

“ANNY?”

“YES,TWILIGHT?”

“WESHOULDREALLYSTOPYELLING!”

“BUTTHISISKINDAFUN!”

Sighing to himself, Spike brought two of his claws to his mouth and blew, a shrill whistle drowning out anything that the two had to say and forcing them to cover their ears.

Crossing his stubby arms and glaring at the two, he said, “Alright. First, before I deal with this,” he waved his arms around. “I’m going to go get some juice. Now, you two just sit quietly and don’t do anything until I get back.”

Twilight stiffened at her little brother’s disrespectful tone. “Spike, don’t you talk to me like-”

“Shush.”

“Spike—”

“Shush!”

Anny couldn’t help but grin as Twilight crossed her hooves and snorted softly, leaning toward her. “You better be quiet Twilight,” he murmured. “Or Spike will put you in a timeout.”

He got a light-hearted shove for that, Twilight trying to keep the smile off her face and failing as the two waited for the dragon to come into the room.

After collecting his juice, and a donut for good measure, Spike waddled into the room and sat down in front of the two, like a parent that was about to teach his children life-lessons.

“Now,” the purple dragon said. “What’s going on?”

Anny couldn’t help but smile. “Spike, aren’t you like twelve years old?”

He stiffened slightly, standing on his chair to try to mildly intimidate the human, which was ruined when the dragon realized that he didn’t even come to the sitting Anny’s chest so he sat right back down. “Hey! I can be worldly and all of that!” He argued. “It doesn’t matter how old I am!”

“Didn’t I buy you a power ponies comic the other—” Before Anny could tease the dragon anymore, he was introduced to the unpleasant experience of having a pony stick her hoof in his mouth.

“Wait, Anny!” Twilight said, excited now for some reason. “We might actually be able to use Spike to help us! Three heads are better than two after all.”

Anny hummed thoughtfully-after getting a dirty pony hoof out of his mouth of course- trying to get up off the couch. “Well, I think I’ll just ask Rarity; she’ll probably be able to give me some pointers on this.”

He was sat right back down by Twilight. “No, Anny! I can help you,” she said, almost hopping in excitement. “If we can get the princess to fall in love with you, I might finally be able to work up the courage to ask Time Turner out!”

Anny blinked. “So…you just want to do this for…”

“To help boost my confidence, yes,” Twilight said with a nod.

“That’s the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever—”

Spike whistled in appreciation, cutting the human off. “Man, Anny, here I thought I was aiming high with Rarity. Go big or go home I guess, and you’re going pretty big, Anny.”

For some reason, Anny couldn’t help but feel a little insulted by that. “Thanks, Spike, now why don’t you-”

He was interrupted once again by Twilight, who wrapped a front leg around his shoulder. “You can do this, Anny!” she said, her eyes filled with determination. “You have to do this, for loveless somebodies like us everywhere!”

Anny’s hope was rekindled. “Yeah?”

Twilight nodded, rising to her hooves and pointing to the sky as if daring it to contradict her. “Yeah! There’s a chance that Spike and I can help you get a date with one of the most sought-after beings on the planet!”

Now the human was feeling a lot less confident. “Alright… So what do I do first?”

Spike and Anny blinked when the alicorn disappeared with a pop, returning with a big book a second later. “Here it is!” Twilight said with more than a little triumph in her voice. Love Drop’s, ‘Dummies Guide on Asking That Special Somepony That Special Question’.”

She dropped said book into her coffee table with a loud bang, Spike and Anny flinching as she opened it. “Hmmm,” she murmured, all but sticking her nose in the well-read piece of literature. “Let’s see… First you have to find somepony that you have your eye on…”

Anny nodded. “I got that step done.”

Twilight nodded, flipping the page. “Alright then...step two is getting to know each other so you can see if you’re compatible.”

Anny blinked at that, his shoulders sagging in defeat. “Oh shoot,” he muttered. “How am I going to do that when she lives like half a day's train ride away?”

The three lowered their heads for a moment, Spike and Twilight trying to figure out a way around this.

“Wait!” Spike said. “Couldn’t he just live with somepony at Canterlot for a couple of weeks?”

Anny hummed thoughtfully, stroking his chin. “Well, I could take a week or two off from work...”

“If I told your boss that you were on business for the crown then you could stay up at Canterlot for as long as you needed,” Twilight added, getting a look from the other two.

“Isn’t that kinda abusing your princessy-powers, Twilight?” Spike asked, earning a fierce shake of the head.

“No it’s not, Spike,” Twilight said, the two really not believing her. “Like I said before, this just isn’t for Antaeus; this is for ponies everywhere. Because if someone like him can get someone like the Princess then there’s no reason that we all can’t find our own special somepony!”

“What do you mean someone like me?” Anny demanded, Twilight blushing.

“I-I didn’t mean it like that!”

Sighing, Anny rubbed his temples. “Well, all of this is well and good, misuse of power aside.” He ignored Twilight’s huff. “I really don’t know anyone up at Canterlot well enough to get them to let me stay with them for a couple of weeks.”

“You could just stay at the castle,” Spike offered. “Then you could just walk down a hallway to ‘get to know her’.”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t think that’ll work, Spike. Anny’s going to want to have the element of surprise on his side, at least for the beginning.”

Spike gave his stepsister an unsure look. “Why are you making this sound like Anny’s fighting a war, Twi?”

“Because love is a war, Spike!” the princess said, getting off the couch and beginning to pace. “Now, who do we know that’ll take a giant monkey-like being into their home on just our word?”

“Hey!—”

Twilight ignored the human, her face scrunched up in sheer concentration until, finally, she had an idea. Admittedly, she’d rather not try it out, but she really couldn’t think of another way. “Weeell,” she said, biting her lip. “I could ask my parents to take you in, but I wouldn’t recommend it.”

Anny cocked his head at her. “How come, Twilight?” He asked. “Would they not want me there or something?”

The alicorn shook her head. “No-no-no, just the opposite,” she said, confusing the human. “My mom’s a little...” she paused, trying to think of the word. “Well, she’s really clingy.”

“She’ll try to treat you like a baby,” Spike clarified.

Anny rolled his eyes. “Your mom can’t be that bad,” he argued, not seeing Spike’s and Twilight’s look. “But I don’t want to force anything on anyone that they don’t want…”

Sighing, Twilight levitated a slip of paper to her person, along with ink and a quill. “I’ll send them a letter, ask them if her and dad will let the three of us stay there for a little while.”

Anny blinked, moved by his friends support. “Hey, thanks guys, doing all of this stuff for me.”

The dragon and pony responded with hugs. “Don’t mention it man,” Spike said, a big smile on his face. “Besides, if we can help you, then you can help me snag my Rarity.”

Twilight gave his side a reassuring nuzzle. “This is what friends are for,” she told him. “Now, just get everything ready with your boss and pack a suitcase. I’ll do the rest.”

Twilight ‘The Egghead’ Sparkle then said something that she would deeply regret for the remainder of this venture.

“This is going to be perfect!”

Author's Note

Just a silly little think that I just thought up one day :)

I'll try to keep this E but it might come up to teen

Oh, and this is the prologue, kinda, so start expecting 6000-8000 words in later Chapters...Probably.

Prepare your bodies, the cuteness it coming!

Thanks for Procket12 and Permanent Temporary for editing for me

Step Two: Find a Base of Operations
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Two: Find a Base of Operations

Canterlot, also known as the jewel of Equestria, was having another simple, yet elegant and refined, day.

Yep, birds were swimming, fish were flying, and the nobles were strutting up upon the mountain-side capital while they systematically tried to look more pompous than their fellows. This day was subsequently changed when the nobles heard from reliable sources that their newest princess, Twilight Sparkle, had been seen exiting the train station.

Many a noble was agast; how dare the princess not send warning beforehand so they could get ready! Many told their fellow bluebloods that if they had the mind they would simply ignore her.

But, since this new princess looked appetizingly malleable to many of the nobility, they could forgive her for this heinous crime. Yes, if the nobles had their way, Twilight ‘the Duchess of the Dictionary’ Sparkle would have spent the whole day listening to their problems, being invited to an assortment of parties, and dealing with dozens of proposals for her hoof in marriage.

Thankfully, Twilight was saved by this horrible fate by the terrifying and--if the upper-crust of Canterlot was being honest-- ugly Minotaur-like thing that she was leading through the city.

Ponies couldn’t help but gasp whenever the princess, her little dragon pet/servant, and the monster passed, instantly turning toward their fellow noble to gossip about this scandal.

How could Princess Twilight besmirch her name and the name of her fellow princesses by associating with such a beast?! Had it done something to her mind?

No, some insisted, the Princess must be bringing this creature into their far city for some noble purpose.

Maybe it was some kind of new species that she wanted Canterlot’s greatest minds to study, maybe she was bringing it in as a prisoner to face the justice of some unknown crime, or maybe it was going to be the newest addition to the city’s zoo; these and many other theories--some of them ridiculous, some even more ridiculous-- were tossed around by almost every pony in the city.

Not that Twilight gave a saltlick about any of that.

No, the alicorn had more important matters on her mind.

“Now, Anny,” she said as the three turned a corner. “Before we get to my mom’s house we need to go over a few important things.”

Anny nodded, adjusting the bag on his shoulder and wondering for the thousandth time why Twilight--who was usually a very sparse pony-- had decided to bring about ten travel bags worth of stuff. He also wondered why the alicorn, who could easily carry all of these with a simple spell, would make Spike carry most of the heavy-looking bags. Though, it did look adorable when the young dragon scrunched up his face in concentration while he carried them.

“Alright, Twilight, lay that knowledge down on me,” he said, reaching down and grabbing a few bags from Spike’s grasp, the dragon grunting his thanks. “And you know that you could carry one or two of these, right?”

Ignoring the last bit, the slightly irritated alicorn continued. “Now, since you didn’t listen at all on the train ride up here--”

“Hey, I told you that I get sleepy on trains,” Anny defended, getting a whack on the head for interrupting.

“--I’m going to have to give you the short version on how to handle my parents.”

Unfortunately for Twilight, who had lead them through the city on just muscle-memory, they had already reached her old home. “Now, firstly, never let my mom-”

“Um, Twilight?” Spike interrupted, making the purple princess groan.

“What, Spike?” she snapped.

Somehow, one of the dragon’s little arms poked out from all of the bags, pointing to the quaint little home. “We’re here.”

Anny hummed as he looked at the house, which was rather low-key for Canterlot. It was a medium sized, white-panel two-story house. Comfortable looking, but very forgettable when compared with the mansion-like structures surrounding it.

“Huh, that’s a nice family home you got there,” Anny told the alicorn, who was too busy in her throngs of panic to notice anything that the human was saying.

Twilight’s eyes widened almost comically. Looking at the houses windows and seeing one of the blinds opened, she gasped in horror. “Nonono!” she muttered, dancing around while her head snapped side-to-side. “She saw us and-”

The three blinked when the house’s doors slammed open, revealing a white, middle-aged unicorn mare with white and purple hair looking at the three with child-like glee. “MY BABIES!”

Twilight and Spike did the safest thing that you could do when confronted with a love-starved mother: they tried to book it. Anny blinked as Spike dropped his load and tried to take off down the street as fast as his stubby little legs could take him, while Twilight tried to run the other way, her wings flared out in panic . But it was all for naught, because you can never get away from Mom.

Never

Getting into an adorable little pouncing stance and sticking her tongue out in concentration, the mare was gone with a pop, appearing beside Spike one second-- grabbing the now squealing dragon-- before teleporting right in front of Twilight, who skidded to a stop when she saw the grinning mare.

“Where are you going, honey?” the mare asked while Spike tried to wiggle out of her grasp.

Twilight tried to back away from the mare, who followed her, trying to wrack her brain on how to get away. Realizing that there was no other option, she tried to reason with her mother. “Mom don-”

Anny bit back a snort as the mare wrapped Twilight and Spike into a bonecrushing hug, rocking them back and forth. “Oh my babies! Why haven’t you come to see me? Why don’t you write more often? Don’t you love your mother?!”

“We...were….here…*urk*....other….day!” Spike wheezed, trying to free himself while the mare nuzzled his cheek.

“Anny...help!” Twilight squeaked, turning an interesting shade of red while the human looked on, humming to himself thoughtfully.

“Nah, I’m good,” he said, ignoring Twilight’s betrayed look while he made his way to the house's porch, sitting down to wait for the display of parental love to be over.

What he didn’t realize was that the mare, Velvet Sparkle, had quite a bit of love in her little body, so he was going to be waiting there for a while if she had anything to say about it.

Well, I guess that’s a good way to introduce yourself, Anny thought as Twilight tried to teleport out of her mother’s grasp, only for her to be teleported right back into the older mare’s hooves.

“Why do you look so skinny, Twilypoo? Have you been eating enough?”

“Mom! Let go of me, we’re in public for Celestia’s sake!”

“Mom, I can’t breathe!”

“And look at you, Spike! Oh, my little drake’s getting so big!”

Anny heard a throaty chuckle behind, and, turning around, he saw another pony standing in the open doorway, this time a deep blue unicorn stallion that was also getting on in years. “Velvet will never change,” the stallion muttered, mostly to himself.

After looking at the three for a few seconds longer, the stallion made his way over to the human, offering him a hoof. “Hello there,” he said with a smile as Anny took his hoof. “You must be Antuious.”

“Antaeus, sir,” the human corrected. “But you can call me Anny.”

The stallion shook his head slowly, a small grin on his face. “Sweet Celestia, son, your parents must have had a heck of a sense of humor when they named you.” Seeing that he didn’t mean anything by it, Anny chuckled while the stallion grinned. “And you don’t have to call me ‘Sir’, Anny, it makes me feel old. Just Night Light will do.”

The human grinned down at the unicorn. “Well, Mr. Night Light, I can’t thank you enough for letting me stay in your home.”

The stallion waved that off good-heartedly. “Don’t mention it, Son, the missus and I will love the company. Speaking of my honey-bunny…” Night turned back toward his wife and kids. “Velvet, sweetie,” he called, getting Velvet’s attention. “Why don’t you leave those kids of yours alone and come and meet our house guest!”

To Anny’s and Night’s amusement, Velvet looked almost embarrassed as she let her children go-- Twilight and Spike hitting the ground and gasping for breath, thanking every deity that they could for their father’s quick-thinking-- and made her way over to Anny, who smiled politely at the mare.

“Hello, ma’am,” he said, offering her a hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you; Twilight told me a little bit about you and your husband.”

The mare smiled bashfully at him. “And you heard only good things, I hope,” she said, looking at his outstretched hand with a little bit of disdain. “Now, if you’re going to be living with us, honey, you’re going to have learn that the Sparkles don’t shake hooves.”

To her husband’s amusement, Velvet got up on her hind legs, giving Anny a hug, which he happily returned, much to Twilight’s horror.

“*urk*... Don’t...let...her...hug...you!” the mare tried to wheeze out, her lungs still recovering from her brush with death. “It’ll...only...make….it…..worse!”

To Velvet’s delight, she had a more hearty hugger in Anny, being able to squeeze him as hard as she wanted without damaging him. “Hehe, honey,” the mare said to her husband, who was shaking his head at his wife’s silliness as the mare didn’t look like she wanted to let him go. “It looks like I found somepony that I can squeeze all I want!”

“That’s nice, Honey,” Night said, years of his wife’s antics leaving him unphased in the face of this silliness. “Now, how about we help the kids get their bags inside and get them ready for lunch?”

Reluctantly, Velvet let go of the human, getting back on all fours. “You’re right honey,” the mare said, looking at the human with a critical eye. “The poor dear here looks like he’ll waste away if we don’t get him something to eat right away!”

Anny chuckled, rubbing the back of his head while he picked his bag back up and slung it across his back. “I’m a bit peckish at the moment,” he admitted, Velvet’s smile growing. “But I’d hate to impose, Mrs. Sparkle.”

The mare waved that away, using her magic to pick up all of Twilight’s and Spike’s bags. “Nonsense! I’d be more than happy to give you a little lunch; I hate to see a hungry pony after all,” she turned and made her way back to the doorway. “And please, just call me Mom.”

Twilight, who was struggling to get up, tried in vain to save her friend. “No...don’t...let…..her--”

She hit the ground with a quiet thud, her eyes closing and her tongue sticking out of her mouth like one who had just kicked the bucket.

The Sparkles rolled their eyes. “Anny, could you be a dear and grab Twilight and Spike?”

Nodding and muttering “Yes ma’am,” the human walked over and picked up Twilight, cradling the seemingly dead alicorn in his arms. Giving her a little shake, he said, “Quit messing around, Twilight, your mom didn’t hug you that hard.”

Twilight, her eyes still closed, muttered out of the side of her mouth, “If I play dead she’ll lose interest and find different prey to torture.”

Anny rolled his eyes, giving the bookworm a scratch on the belly before he grabbed Spike, who was also playing dead. “Silly, your mom’s not some predator!”

“And you don’t know my mother, Anny.”

%~~$~~%

Twilight ‘the Empress of the Encyclopedia’ Sparkle had seen many things in her short life. She personally helped save the planet more than once, she had a personal relationship with two ponies who raised and lowered the sun and moon, and she was a certain mind-breaking pony’s friend, so she thought she had seen all that there was to see.

That day, in her mother’s kitchen with her and her family watching, she saw that there was, in fact, a creature who could eat more than Applejack and Rainbow.

“How?” Spike finally said as Anny finished his sixth bowl of cabbage stew, summarizing what everypony--except Velvet, who couldn’t be happier-- was thinking.

A beaming Velvet Sparkle poked her head out of the kitchen. “Because he’s a growing boy, Spike, just like you.” She watched almost pridefully as Anny scooped spoonful upon spoonful of the tasty food into his mouth, putting it down after emptying it with a contented sigh.

“Man, that was great,” the human finally said. “And I don’t even like cabbage.” He patted his slightly bulging stomach contently, slumping in his chair as Velvet trotted over to him, levitating the plates off the table.

“Honey, do you want anymore to eat?” the mare asked, trying to think of a way to rub the human’s belly without putting him off.

Night chuckled, levitating a newspaper over and opening it. “If there’s any food left in this house…”

Anny shook his head at the mare, getting to his feet carefully. “No thank you, Mrs. Sparkle-”

“Like I said, just Mom, Honey.”

“-I couldn’t eat another bite. Besides, Twilight, Spike, and me need to go to the castle for a little bit.”

“Twilight, Spike, and I, Anny,” Twilight corrected, everyone else in the room rolling their eyes while the alicorn also got up. “And he’s right Mom. Anny, if we leave right now we’ll have enough time to look around and get back before it gets dark.”

Spike sighed, also getting off his chair, the drake making his way to the living room. “I’ll get the latex suits…”

“Don’t forget the solution that I have in that green bottle!” Twilight called after him, the Sparkles sharing looks. “Somepony’s going to need it to help get in his suite.”

Anny stiffened, his hands going to his belly. “I didn’t eat that much, Twilight!”

Night cleared his throat, stopping the beginnings of an argument. “You know, sweetie, while honey-bunny and I always love when you visit, you never told us why you’re not just staying up at the castle.”

Twilight and Anny, who were beginning to put on what looked to be one-piece black latex suits, looked at each other for a second before Twilight cryptically said, “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you, Dad, it’s official, classified princess business.”

Velvet nodded slowly, trying not to wince as the two struggled to get into their odd body wear. “That’s all well and good, Honey,” the mare said. “But why do you need these--”

“Ninja outfits,” Spike supplied, handing Twilight a green bottle.

“--Yes, ninja outfits… Why do you need these to go to the castle? I’m sure the princesses will be happy to see you as is.”

After a little bit more wiggling and a few bad words, the human and alicorn finally zipped their suits up, the latex hugging their bodies almost to the point of discomfort.

Twilight ‘the Thane of the Thesaurus’ Sparkle finally looked over at her amused parents, her face showing grave seriousness as she teleported a jar of eye-black in front of her face, and, opening the jar, she rubbed the grease under both of her eyes, completing her stealthatude.

“Like I said, Mom," the alicorn said, her voice taking a gravelly tone for some reason. “Classified.”

“Twilight and Anny are trying to find things out about Princess Celestia so Anny can find out if he wants to ask her out,” Spike said, ruining the serious effect that the human and alicorn were trying to portray, the two glaring at him while Velvet clapped her hooves together excitedly.

Night whistled, looking over his newspaper at the two. “Good luck with that, Son,” he told the human before he went back to his funnies.

“Spying on somepony to see if they’re the one?” Velvet said, her gaze turning dreamy. “That sounds like how Night and I got together - isn’t that right, Honey?”

Night Light nodded, a smile on his face. “You were stalking me from the rooftops…”

“And you found me looking through one of your cabinets…”

The two sighed, Velvet moving to nuzzle her husband while Twilight cringed at the display. “And the rest was history.”

Twilight awkwardly cleared her throat, still giving Spike a stern glare. “Well, Anny and I should get going…”

Spike looked over at his sister, a shocked look on his face. “Wait, what about me, Twilight?”

The alicorn’s look turned slightly smug. “Well, Spike, since you’ve just shown us that you can’t keep a secret worth a horseapple, you’re staying here.” She turned tried to make her way out of the room, only for Spike to hop-grab her leg.

“No, Twilight, you gotta take me!” he said,crawling up her leg slightly. “Don’t leave me with her!”

Twilight, just looked down at her brother, a hoof tapping her chin in thought. “Well let’s see….” She looked over at her mom. “Mom? Spike just told me that he’s cold.”

The dragon could only look at his sister in betrayal before he heard a gasp, Velvet all but wrenching him off the alicorn and bringing him over to her so she could give him another bonecrushing hug.

“Is my widdle Spikey coldsie-woldsie?” she asked, ignoring Anny’s snicker as she nuzzled the dragon’s cheek, Spike desperately trying to wiggle out of the mare’s grasp.

“TWILIGHT!”

Night Light looked over at his coffee, frowning slightly. “Huh, it looks like I forgot to put cream in this…” He chuckled, looking over at the human. “Oh, you’re still here…” He tried to shoo him away. “Well, what are you waiting for, Son, an invitation? Go and stalk that mare!”

Anny looked over at Twilight, slightly put off as the two made their way to the front door. “Why does he make it sound like what we’re doing is weird?”

Twilight shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“NO, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME PUT TOGETHER A PUZZLE WITH YOU! IT’S BORING! I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS, TWILIGHT!”

“It seems perfectly fine to me.”

%~~$~~%

To every pony, noble or commoner, Canterlot castle was the highest authority on luxury and over-the-topness in Equestria, possibly all of Equs. All of the finest things were to be expected while you were there, the finest food, the finest art, the best service, etc.

The only area where Canterlot castle lacked was in the efficiency of their guards, as Twilight helped show, as she almost single-hoofedly snuck into the castle--again-- in broad daylight while she had a six foot tall biped in tow.

“Now, Twilight,” Anny whispered as the two dodged another patrol of guards. “I understand that I was going to have to eventually come here to the castle, but do we really have to do it like this?”

“Yes,” Twilight said as she poked her head out from a corner. “We have to do it this way, just like the book said.”

Anny blinked slowly. “...Was it the same book that you told me about the last time? Cause this seems a little...crazier.”

An offended Twilight looked back at him before she barrel-rolled into the next hall, a bemused Anny simply walking with her.

“No, it’s not from ‘Dummies Guide on Asking That Special Somepony That Special Question,’ it’s from the new book I told you about while we were on the train.”

Whatever Anny was about to say was forgotten when Twilight pulled out what looked like a grapple gun from her suit and fired it upward, launching through the air and disappearing for a few seconds before she dropped twenty feet down the hallway, leaving a very confused human standing in the middle of the hallway.

“...Twilight,” he finally said, the mare innocently looking back him, hefting the weird little gun-thing in her hooves.

“Yes, Anny?”

Her expression turned confused when she saw him facepalm. “What’s wrong?”

Anny wringed his hands in frustration. “What do you mean what’s wrong? We’re running around in black latex onesies in the middle of the day, trying to do whatever you want us to do and you have a freakin’ grapple gun!”

A still confused, Twilight trotted back to her friend, patting his thigh. “So? I don’t really see the problem. I’ve done things like this before.”

Anny’s eye twitched. “So you’re telling me that you’ve broke into this castle, which you’re allowed to go into at anytime, in the middle of the day--”

“It wasn’t the middle of the day the last time I did this,” Twilight interrupted. “I went at night.”

“That’s not the point!” the human snapped. “I mean, for goodness sakes, we look ridiculous.” He pinched a bit of his suit and pulled, letting go and flinching slightly at the loud snapping sound it made, the sound echoing off the empty hallway walls.

Twilight stamped a hoof in irritation. “We’re trying to be sneaky for this mission!”

Anny got down on his knees so he could look at the little pony better. “Twilight, you’re a librarian and I’m a guy that stacks boxes for a living. We are not secret agents out on some dangerous mission. All I want to do is try to see if your teacher and I have anything in common.”

“And that’s what we’re doing!”

“No, we’re running around like a bunch of crazy people because you’ve read too many comic books.”

“No, this was what ‘Heartstring’s guide to a lonely heart’ said to do! We need you to learn the layout of the castle and we should probably get Princess Luna’s permission for you to court her sister. Then we'll spend the next few days stalking the princess.”

Anny groaned. “And we needed all of this for that? Walking into the castle like rational people isn’t good enough?”

“Hey, you’re the one that agreed to this!”

“I didn’t think we were going to wear this ninja stuff for something as silly as this! I thought we were just going to do something assassin-y today!”

“Stop yelling at me!”

“I’m not yelling at you, THIS IS YELLING!”

The two were in each other’s faces by now, neither noticing the sounds of hooves clopping off in the distance.

“Did you hear that?”

The two froze, looking at each other in panic before Twilight, ever the calm and collected one, picked up Anny with her magic and all but threw him into a janitor’s closet, hopping in after.

With a broom on her head and what felt like toilet paper stuck to at least three of her hooves, Twilight lit up the pitch black room with a simple spell, sighing in relief. “Whoo, that was a close one, somepony might have seen us, Anny,” she looked around. “Anny?”

After some looking she finally found him trying desperately to get his head out of a small plastic bucket.

Biting back a snort, Twilight trotted over to Anny, patting his back to try to calm him down. “Don’t worry, Anny, I’ll get you out of this!”

Meanwhile

“Did you hear that?” Princess Cadence asked, looking back at her husband and Princess Luna, who had elected to lead the two to their rooms so she could have a nice chat with her extended family.

The Princess of the Night perked her ears, poking her head out from the corner to look at an empty hallway. “Nay, dear Cadence, We did not hear anything.”

Shining smiled at his wife. “It’s probably just this old castle creaking.”

Luna snorted. “Nay, Captain, this castle was made out of the finest stones by the finest masons; it does not ‘creak’ as you put it.”

Cadence shook her head, a small frown on her face as she turned the corner and started to walk down the hallway. “I could have sworn I heard yelling down here…”

“There’s nopony here,” Shining commented, he and Luna following Cadence.

Luna’s features turned mischievous. “Nopony, we can see!” She said, wooing and waving her hoofs in the stallions face.

Shining snorted at his in-law. “There’s no such thing as ghosts, Princess.”

Luna scoffed. “Thou know nothing, Shining Armor. For all thou know, there is a pair of ghouls--”

Crash!

“OW!”

The three froze in their steps, three heads snapping to a janitor’s closet.

“....You heard that that time, right?” Cadence said, earning nods from the two.

“Yes.”

“Verily.”

Luna couldn’t resist a parting shot, leaning toward Shining. “Are thou sure that thee do not wish to withdraw thine claims about spectors?

Shining stiffened before he shook his head. “That wasn’t a ghost!” he said dismissively. “A janitor’s probably getting some supplies.”

“Then thee wouldn’t mind going in to check to see if this ‘pony’ is injured.”

Luna nudged the stallion toward the door.

“Go on then, brave guard.”

Shining’s chest puffed out indignantly while he made his way to the door, Luna and Cadence right behind him. He reached for the doorknob, and, looking back, turned it.

Back in the closet

Anny groaned as he looked over at Twilight, who now had a plunger on her head from her little spill before she took it off her noggin with another quiet groan, throwing it to the ground. “What the heck, Twilight!” he whispered/shouted at the little alicorn.

“I’m sorry, it was an accid-” One of the alicorn’s ears perked up. “Did you heard that?”

The two were silent for a few moments, the faint sounds of hooves clopping greeting their ears.

Twilight latched onto the human’s side in panic, whispering desperately in his ear, “Somepony heard us!”

“No, I think they’re just walking past-”

The two froze when they heard the doorknob start to turn, Anny catching Twilight’s panicked gaze.

They both knew what they had to do.

Gently putting the pony down, Anny handed the alicorn a plunger, nodding at her sadly. With a look of resigned grimness she took it, the two creeping toward the door.

Back with Shining and the gang

“Go ahead, honey,” Cadence said to her husband. “Just open the door and we’ll-”

With a mighty battle cry, Twilight swung open the door. Cadence, Shining, and Luna squeaked in surprise as Twilight stuck the plunger onto her brother’s muzzle-- Anny getting Luna and Cadence-- before they yanked them right in the dark room, the door slamming behind them.

Shining, with his guard training, was the first to recuperate. Throwing the mystery pony off him, he wrenched the plunger off of his mouth with a grimace, hefting it like a sword. “Surrender and I’ll--” he yelped when the pony levitated a broom toward their person and tried to whack him on the head. The ex-captain parried the slash and countered with a thrust, the two beginning an impromptu swordfight.

Luna, with some fast thinking, smacked her attacker with the wooden end of the plunger that was still stuck to her mouth, giving a muffled cry as she blindly charged her ‘assassin’, who grabbed a mop to defend himself.

“FOR THE PRINCESSES!”

“MHMMEP!”

“OW! STOP HITTING WITH THE HARD END!”

“HURRYUPANNYORWE’REGOINGTOGETINSOMUCHTROUBLE!”

Cadence was left there, bemused as all heck while the four did more damage to each other than to their “enemies.”

Gently taking the plunger off of her mouth with a grimace Cadance muttered, “Why are assassins attacking us with these?” She looked around and noticed that she couldn’t see her hoof in front of her face.

“Why does our magic cast such a dim light?... Now where the hay is that lightswitch?... There it is!”

Click!

Anny, Twilight, Shining, and Luna froze as the lights flicked on, the four blinking at the bright light and their eyes widening when they saw each other.

“Twily?”

“Brother, Cadence, Luna?”

Anny looked around the room. “Man is the closet huge,” he muttered before sighing in defeat. “I’m gonna get so arrested for this…”

Twilight squeaked, throwing the plunger over her shoulder and laughing awkwardly. “...Sooooo, what brings you to Canterlot, big brother?”

Luna raised an eyebrow at her fellow princess and the human before the plunger disappeared off her muzzle with a simple spell. “Twilight, Antaeus… Why did thou attack us with plungers?”

Shining’s bewilderment started to turn slightly upset. “That’s one of the questions that have been going through my head, among others…”

Cadence, who was taking this far better than anypony had a right to, trotted over to her step-sister, giving her a friendly nuzzle. “Twilight must have wanted to surprise us with a little joke!” she said, sitting on her rump with a big smile on her face. “And she got Anny to join in on her little prank.”

“Actually, we were trying to knock you out so we can look around the castle without anyone knowing.”

Twilight groaned, shooting Anny a dirty look. “Anny!”

The human threw his hands up. “What? I get nervous when I’m being threatened with incineration!”

“Who threatened you with that?! They wouldn’t incinerate us!”

Neither saw Luna’s contemplative look while their shouting match continued.

“I mean, you didn’t even try to lie!”

Anny scoffed at the little alicorn. “Like you could have thought of a half decent lie! I mean, how do you get around looking like this?”

Before Twilight could retort, Cadence, who had been watching the little bout with bemusement, picked up a two rolls of toilet paper and whacked the two with it.

Clearing her throat, the pink alicorn calmly said, “Alright… Now, how about we act like a bunch of big ponies and you and Anny tell us what you two are doing?”

Sufficiently cowed, Anny and Twilight looked at each other before the pairs shoulders slumped.

“I’m trying to see if I want to ask Princess Celestia out and Twilight’s trying to help me,” Anny finally said, getting mixed reactions from the three.

Shining and Luna looked at the human in shock, before looking at each other in confusion. Anny couldn’t have been serious, right?

Cadence, on the other hand, was on the complete opposite spectrum. Being the Princess of Love, Cadence wanted everypony to be happy and loved. Lately, she had noticed that her Aunty, who was already just so lonely, wasn’t even getting suitors trying to win her affections anymore, the suitors tired and disheartened with being rejected so often.

While this probably wasn’t a bad thing--most of her suitors were golddiggers at best and would-be thieves at worst-- Cadence feared that it was affecting Celestia negatively.

While this may seem odd, Celestia seemed like a pony that had been told that she was beautiful so many times that she had began to think those compliments were lies, and she might take her lack of suitors as proof that she was just a crown to her little ponies.

Or that was at least what Cadence thought, so it seemed like Anny trying to win her heart was the best thing that could happen at the moment.

Not that she was biased toward love or anything.

Letting out a squee of happiness, the overexcited alicorn all but tackled the human into a hug.

“Aw, that’s so sweet!” the princess of love said while she tried to squeeze the stuffing out of the human, partially succeeding as the human's eyes almost popped out of his head from the pink alicorn's super strength.

“Urk, Twilight, help!”

Twilight, not one to miss irony, looked down at the human with a smirk on her face. “Nope,” she said in the tone that the human used when she was in this exact situation, looking over at a flabbergasted Luna and Shining.

Luna was the first to recover, looking down at Anny for a second before looking at her fellow alicorn. “Twilight,” she finally said. “Was what the young human said correct?”

The princess looked sheepishly at the two. “Weeeeellllll.....Yes.”

Shining facehoofed. “And you had to dress up like that,” he waved a hoof around her for emphasis. “And attack us with plungers?”

The bookworm blushed. “We thought you guys were guards!”

“...And how does that make it any better?”

Meanwhile, a few feet from the two, Anny was trying to get out of Cadence’s death-grip.

“Oh, you two are going to be soooo sweet together! You know, Aunty Celestia is so lonely and I think she really needs a nice stallion in her life!”

“Cadence….can’t...breathe!”

“Well, don’t you worry about getting mine and Shiny’s blessings on this, Anny. Oh, I just love this part of a relationship! You trying to see if you’re compatible with her and-”

Anny, unbenounced to Cadence was starting to turn an interesting shade of blue, the human trying to weakly wiggle out of the alicorn’s iron-like grip.

Thankfully, Luna noticed that Anny was about to meet his maker.

“Niece, it appears that thou art strangling the human,” she said offhandedly, Cadence’s eyes widening as she looked down at the unconscious human.

“Omygosh!” she all but shouted letting Anny go so he could drop to the floor, the human giving his oxygen-starved lungs sustenance with a massive breath. “I’m sorry, Anny!”

Shining looked at the gasping human for a second before looking back at his little sister, an eyebrow raised. “Twilight…”

The purple alicorn looked down in shame. “I know.”

“And you--”

“Yeah, I know,” she looked up desperately. “But I neeeed to help Anny!”

Shining couldn’t help but smile at that, patting his sister on the head. “And I’m sure that he appreciates that but I think whatever you’re doing needs a little bit more work.” The two looked back over at the seemingly dead human, who Luna was gently poking with a broomstick.

“We believe he is dead,” she said calmly. “A shame; he was a fine opponent.”

The ponies circled Anny, Cadence giving him a poke before humming thoughtfully. “No, I don’t think so.....Look! you can see that his chest is rising and falling!”

The four ponies sighed in relief, Cadence picking up the human and gently placing him on her back before she turned back to the little group with a big smile on her face.

“Twilight,” she said, practically skipping. “Where are you guys staying?”

“At Mom’s house, why?”

Hopping to the door and opening it, the princess of love looked back and gave Twilight a great, big smile. “Because we need to prepare Anny!”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Prepare Anny?”

Cadence nodded. “Yeah, we have a lot of work to do if he’s gonna ask Aunty Celestia out!” She turned toward Luna. “Unless anypony has a problem with that?”

The lunar princess shrugged. “We see nothing wrong in the young human’s courtship of our sister,” she said. “If he fights for her heart as well as he fought us with these janitor tools then it will be most amusing to watch this unfold.”

With that, the three princesses left the closet, leaving a confused Shining. “So we’re just going to forget the whole ‘them attacking us’ thing?” when he didn’t receive an answer he sighed, also making his way to the door.

“Why is my family full of weirdo’s?” the young prince muttered to himself as he walked through the door to follow his wife, sister, and step-aunt, all who were chatting happily about this and that. “I mean, my mom, sure, everyponies moms are crazy, my sister, alright, but everypony in my family?”

Shining couldn’t help but look mournfully at the unconscious human. “And if this works out like Candy probably wants it to then, Anny, buddy, you’re going to be feeling my pain….”

Author's Note

Oh, and if anybody has any idea what else to call Twilight I'm open ears

Step Three: Get Her to Notice You ( Or, hurting yourself is okay if girls are watching)
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Three: Get Her to Notice You ( Or, hurting yourself is okay if girls are watching)

“Anny! We, the people of Candyland, are forever in your debt!” The candy king roared over his various subject’s cheering, Anny taking the crown and giant spoon that he was handed with all of the grace he could muster. “Now, I give you our greatest treasure as reward for your heroic efforts!”

Clapping his lollypop hands together, the Candy king, Anny, and the crowd of candy people watched as two burly candy men brought out a massive chest, placing it in front of the giddy human who looked over at the king in awe. “Is this what I think it is, Candy King?”

The candy man answered him with a grin. “Why don’t you see for yourself, Anny?”

Carefully putting his spoon down and rubbing his hands together, Anny opened the chest slowly, almost reverently, shielding his eyes for a few moments as he gazed upon the most holy of holies.

“Deep fried ice cream? Sweet!” Bending down to snatch up his spoon, Anny let out a roar of happiness, bringing down the spoon and scooping the fattening food, bringing it to his mouth…

Only for Twilight, who was getting tired/worried that he had been unconscious for so long, dumped a bucket of ice-cold water onto his poor, unsuspecting body, which catapulted Anny back to the land of the living. Figuratively and literally.

Falling out of the bed with a yelp and more than a little bit of sputtering, the soaking wet and reasonably upset human yelled, “Who, what, where?” His gaze fell upon a concerned yet relieved-looking Twilight, Anny narrowing his eyes at her in anger and slight confusion.

“It worked!” she said, the purple alicorn rolling her eyes when she saw his glare. “You were having the ice cream dream again, weren’t you?”

“You know I was! Why the heck did you dump that water on me?”

Twilight looked a bit guilty as Anny’s gaze bore into her soul. “I was trying to make sure that we didn’t need to take you to the hospital since you’ve been out for almost a whole day!” the alicorn said, trying to defend herself.

Anny was about to say more when Princess Luna poked her head through the doorway. “Is the young human alive, dear Twili— Oh, We see that thou were not slain by our niece’s excessive hugging, young Anny!”

The human gave the princess of the night a weak smile before looking around the room. “Where am I?” He looked down, frowning at what he saw. “And why am I wearing a diaper?!”

“Thou art in Velvet Sparkle’s abode and the mare of the house insisted that thee wear that whilst recuperating,” Luna said helpfully before walking back out into the hallway. “Now make haste friends! The pancakes are almost finished!”

Now confused, Anny looked back at Twilight while he slowly rose from the ground. “Twilight, why is Princess Luna here?”

Smiling now that it was clear that the human wasn’t mad--at least not that mad-- about his rude awakening, the alicorn answered, “Oh, her, Cadence, and Shining are here too. All of us have been getting everything ready for ‘Operation Monkey See, Monkey Get’!”

“Oh, that makes sense, I guess,” Anny said, looking through the rooms various drawers, trying to find his cloths. “So how’s it been going?...Wait, why did you have to call it that?! You know I’m not a monkey!”

The alicorn rose up on her hind legs to bop Anny on the nose. “Whatever you say, Anny,” she said, turning around and leaving the room. “Hurry up and get dressed, we have a lot of work to do today!”

Closing the bedroom door—his bedroom door now, if Anny thought about it—the human mumbled. “I’m not a monkey…”

A few minutes later…

“Oh Cadence, Honey, you’re such a good eater!”

Princess Cadence looked up at her mother-in-law with a smile while Velvet hoofed her another plateful of pancakes. “Well, you’re just such a good baker, Mom!”

The older mare beamed, making her way over to Luna, who had already cleared her third plate. “Princess Luna, sweetie, do you want a few more pancakes?”

Twilight and Shining Armor could only watch in embarrassment, and horror, as the Princess of the Night raised a hoof in the air. “We thank thee, Velvet Sparkle; we will take all of your pancakes!”

“Here you go dear.”

“Huzzah! The pancakes have been doubled!”

Twilight looked at Anny, Cadence, and Luna for a few moments before her eyes widened in horror. “Oh sweet Celestia… There’s three of them,” she turned to look at her brother. “BBBFF, I’m scared.”

Night Light looked up from his paper to look at his children before shrugging. “You’ll get used to it, kids.”

Shining sipped his coffee as he watched his wife and Anny getting belly rubs by his mother, Velvet giggling with them. “I really hope not dad…”

Anny, taking another bite out of his pancake looked up at Twilight. “So, Twi, what’s going to be happening today?”

The mare blinked, mumbling to herself for a few seconds before she teleported a bundle of papers into Anny’s lap. “First we need you to memorize that, then we’ll get to the hard stuff!”

Anny blinked at the smiling alicorn before he gingerly thumbed through the papers. “And what is all of this?”

Cadence giggled, giving the human a big smile. “Just a few things that the three of us thought would get you ready for Aunty Celestia!”

Luna nodded. “Yes, within those pages are the answers that will help thee court our sister,” the elder alicorn said before taking a big swig of her juice.

The human took one of the papers and read a few lines out loud. “‘Are you made out of cake? Because you sure look sweet.’”

Twilight smiled. “They’re pickup lines, Anny! That one’s mine!”

“‘Were you born in a bakery? Cause you sure do have some nice buns.’”

Cadence smiled. “That one’s mine; Shiny used it on me when the two of us were dating.” She looked at the now red stallion with warmth. “He was such a romantic…”

Anny found one of the mares pickup lines that made him look at the three in mild alarm. “‘Do you have a filly-friend? Well, you do now’... What?”

It was Velvet’s turn to smile. “That one was mine, dear!”

Anny looked at the four mares before nodding slowly. “Alright… and you’re all sure that these will work?”

They all nodded.

“Yep.”

“Absolutely.”

“Forsooth.”

“It worked for me, Honey.”

Still nodding but now with a small smile on his face, Anny got out of his chair. “Alright that’s great, but before I look at all of this stuff I’m going to go for a quick jog around the town.”

Twilight frowned as Anny pulled out a headband and put it on. “Anny, what did I tell you about buying those headbands from the flower sisters?”

Anny stiffened. “But they’re supposed to help you run better and longer!”

The purple alicorn facehoofed. “Anny, just because something has positive elements and a bunch of mares tell you that it works doesn’t mean that it works.”

Anny shrugged, looking for his running shoes. “Whatever you say, Twilight, but when you’re running for your life and you’re getting tired you’ll be wishing that you had one of these.”

…

It was a little known fact that Ponyville, though one of the smaller towns in Equestria, had some of the fittest mares and stallions in the country. It’s a little known fact because, due to a certain purple bookworm coming into the town and causing a whole mess of havoc, it had only happened very recently.

Once the citizens of Ponyville were just normal, hard-ish working mares and stallions that lived in a quiet, but comfortable town, but now the citizens of Ponyville are normal, hard-ish working mares and stallions who’ve had to learn to excel in running away from various dangerous, world-ending things.

In the spirit of evolution, when faced with these things, the town adapted. Where once there was a sofa store there was now a gym, with a fruit smoothie place right next to it. Where once there was maybe one or two stallions running after work there was now running groups that ran at certain times so they wouldn’t crowd the streets with sweaty, panting ponies.

Antaeus, a rather soft person before living in Ponyville, had also adapted quickly, having to run away from an angry chocolate raincloud the main reason for this. So Anny was going to continue the ritual that he had been participating in for months every day in the mornings: going out of a jog.

Canterlot, like most cities, had recently noticed that its citizens were complaining about how there was nothing to do in the way of exercising in the city, so they did the most rational thing when faced with these complaints, which was to give in to the thousands of angry ponies.

Parks were opened for noble and commoner alike to run around and play in, and, most importantly, they had set up a running trail that would link all around the city so a Canterlotian could get their cardio whenever they wanted.

Anny was on his way to one of these trails after getting the direction’s from Night Light, who was also an avid runner.

Humming a happy little tune, Anny calmly walked through the city until he reached a big red sign:

Our lady Celestia’s Stone pine running trail

“Huh, the Princess must have helped build this…” Anny muttered to himself as he started to run in place to get the blood flowing.

“You’re halfway right, Antaeus,” a voice said from behind the human. “I paid for some of this specific trail, but most of the funds came from a few generous anonymous sources.”

Turning around, Anny saw the pony who he had come up here to start this whole enterprise, a gently smiling Princess Celestia, who had a frowning guard in tow.

The Princess of the Sun rolled her eyes as the human bowed, waving his silliness away. “Now now, young man, there’s no need for that,” she told him, while she also started to trot around in place, which looked really adorable to the human.

Looking the princess up and down quickly Anny noticed the Celestia was also wearing a headband, along with pony ankle workout sleeves. “…Princess,” the human said uncertainly, Celestia looking up at him with a smile, Anny getting butterflies while under her warm gaze.

“Um, not that’s any of my business, but what are you doing here?”

The Princess raised an eyebrow in amusement. “I could ask you the same, Antaeus.” She made her way toward the human, Anny fighting the urge to back up. “Are you spending a few days here in Canterlot or are you just here for business?”

Despite the smiling he was giving the princess, the human was screaming on the inside. Oh no! Gottaliegottaliegottalie! He thought, trying to rack his brain for a decent excuse.

“Oh, um, Twilight brought me up h-here,” Anny shimmered out. “I’ve been thinking of, um, on moving up here.”

“Oh?”

Anny nodded, his confidence growing as his lie progressed. “Yeah, it’s probably safer up here than down in Ponyville, and I hear the pay’s a little bit better.” He pointed a thumb toward where he thought the Sparkle house was. “Twilight’s mom was nice enough to give me a place to stay while I get a feel of the city.”

Celestia nodded, wiggling out her forelegs to loosen any stiff muscles. “And you said that Twilight accompanied you?” The alicorn hummed thoughtfully. “It’s odd that she hasn’t come to see me… In fact I don’t remember her even telling me that she was coming to Canterlot…”

And now Anny was sweating bullets. “W-Well, she wanted to surprise her mom and all of that…” Trying to change the subject, Anny looked the alicorn up and down. “So, Princess, what are you all dressed up like that for?”

Thankfully, this question distracted Celestia from her pondering, the alicorn looking at the human with another warm, but slightly sour smile. “Well, Antaeus, I’ve been noticing that I’ve been gaining a little weight recently—“

Anny couldn’t stop himself. “Wait, where?”

Anny’s eyes widened and he almost slapped his hands onto his mouth to shut his stupidness up while the princess just smiled gratefully at him while she giggled quietly. “That’s really sweet of you, Antaeus… But as I was saying, I’m out here to get a little exercise.”

The alicorn stuck her tongue out playfully. “ ‘It’s good for you’, or so says my dietitian, so I go out for a little run every morning.”

Anny grinned at the princess. “Trust me, Princes, you’ll learn to like it.” He shrugged. “When I first started running I couldn’t stand it, but now it’s the thing that keeps me from getting stressed out by my daily nonsense.”

He stopped for moment, thinking. “…Though I had to start running so I wouldn’t be eaten or killed by anything, not because I wanted to lose weight, so I guess that might change your outlook on it…”

Still smiling, Celestia walked past the human, her guard following in grim silence. Looking over her shoulder, the princess asked, “Antaeus, would you like to join me? I’ve always been told that a run is more enjoyable when you have a ‘running buddy.’”

She eyed her guard for a moment. “My guardsponies really don’t carry conversations very well…”

The now giddy human nodded, trying to keep from hopping around in joy. “Sure, Princess, I’ll be your running buddy.”

“Are you sure? What I run is a bit strenuous.”

Anny waved her away, giving his legs a final shake. “I run every day and I go pretty far, Princess, I think I’ll be fine.”

Two hours later…

Now, Anny could never claim the he never made mistakes, in fact the human would admit to anyone that asked that he was pretty good at making some bad mistakes.

He made another when he joined the princess on her “little” run, which was more like a marathon, Celestia, Anny, and the silent guard running around the city at least three times before Celestia finally called it quits.

It was only through sheer, bloody determination that Anny was able to finish this demon run, and now he was paying the price.

“I think that’s all of today, Gleaming Shield,” the alicorn told her guard, who looked only slightly winded, while Celestia looked at Anny with concern, the human laying on his back panting while he was covered in sweat. “Antaeus, are you alright?”

“I *pant* can see a bright *pant* light,” the human rasped out while Celestia trotted over to him and gingerly sat down. She watched in concern and mild amusement as Anny’s eyes widened. “Oh no! The light *pant* isn’t heaven, its heck!”

Despite herself, the alicorn giggled while she carefully placed Anny on her back while he continued to mutter to himself.

“No, Mr. Devil, I don’t want to play Twister with you!”

“Yes yes, Antaeus dear, now how about we get you to the castle to get you cleaned up a little hmm?”

The human just answered with more mumbling as the Princess and her guard in tow slowly made their way to back to the castle.

“You’ve been oddly quiet, Sergeant,” the princess said to her guard with a small smile. “I would have thought you’d have said something about Antaeus’s stamina by now.”

The guardspony snorted quietly while the two ignored the countless ponies’ horrified looks when they saw what their princess was doing. “It was only fifteen miles, your Majesty,” the guard said with slight distaste. “I’ve seen trainees do more than that on their hind legs.”

“Oh, really, Sergeant?”

“…They get it eventually, ma’am.”

Rolling her eyes, the princess adjusted Anny on her back with a wing. “Well, I think the young human here did quite well.”

“No, we can’t have cookies on Sunday, Mr. Spaceman.”

“…Even if it seems like he overdid it a little bit…”

With as much stealth as a giant pony with a human on her back could manage, Celestia snuck around the various crowds of nobles and officials to get to her destination, the kitchens.

“Here we are,” she said mostly to herself as she looked back at her guard with a smile. “Gleaming Shield, you are dismissed. Please return to the barracks while I tend to Antaeus.”

Eyeing the human and shaking his head, the guard made his way out of the empty kitchen, leaving Anny and the Princess alone. “You’d think with those long legs he’d be able to run longer.” Celestia heard him mutter before leaving. “Back in my day, we’d be thankful for getting a fifteen mile run from our commander. That’d be our easy training days …”

Humming a little tune to herself, Celestia levitated Anny off her back to sit on a counter while she fiddled in a few of the cabinets.

“I was being truthful when I was talking to my guardspony when I said you did very well, Anny,” she told the still out of it human, who was still muttering to himself as the princess continued.

“If I may, Anny—is it okay if I call you Anny, dear? I know you let your friends call you it an—“

Anny, due to three parts exhaustion and four parts dehydration, did not hear a single thing that the princess said as she trotted around the kitchen, mixing everything that she collected into a blender that she pulled from a shelf.

When she turned it on, the loud noise shook the human out of his little funk enough that he could kinda focus on the princess. How in the heck can she still be hopping around? Anny thought in tired bewilderment.

What is she, a pony Superman? We did run like a hundred miles….And— Anny’s eyes widened as a straw was stuck into his mouth, the human instinctively beginning to suck on the Princess’s concoction.

Seeing Anny drinking her shake, Celestia couldn’t help but beam in pride. “Do you like it?”

The human nodded, taking the straw out of his mouth. “Wow, that’s really good. What is it?” he asked the princess, who hopped into the counter right next to the human with her shake, taking a ladylike slurp.

“It’s a protein shake that a zebra shaman showed me how to make when I was traveling in my younger days,” the princess told him, watching in pride as the human gulped his drink down. “It’s supposed to rejuvenate you and help keep you from getting sore; though, Anny, dear, I’d suggest that you stretch before you go running again.”

The human nodded while he tried to lick the bottom of his cup, much to the princess’s amusement. “Yes, Princess—”

“Please, Anny, just Celestia.”

The human looked into his cup in a slightly shy manner, Anny finally noticing that the princess was right next to him—which was made weirder by the princess sitting like a human. “So, um... Celestia,” Anny said. “Do you really run that far every day?”

“Yes, Anny, a guard and I will run about that distance every day.” the princess said while the human silently wondered how she was about to sit like that without falling over, which made keeping a conversation kinda hard.

That still didn’t keep the human from looking at the princess in mild shock. “You can run all of that and your health doctor guy still thinks that you need to lose weight?” He snorted. “Now, there’s something wrong with that…”

The princess aw’d the human, giving him a gentle pat on his back and almost knocking him off the counter. “Well, Anny, all it takes is a little bit of practice; if you do this every day you’d find this as easy as I or my guardsponies do.”

Anny snorted softly. “Whatever you say, Princess.”

The princess nudged him, a stern look on her face. “I will not sit here and listen to one of my subjects badmouth themselves, Antaeus!” the princess said in her soft but strong tone that she always used, Anny flinching under her mild glare.

Anny, surprised and more than a little confused with the turn of events, shimmered out. “Well, Princess—“

“Celestia.”

“—Celestia, sometimes there’s just plain natural talent instead of hard work.” He meekly shrugged. “Sometimes, all of the work in the world wouldn’t let a guy run that much.”

The Princess’s stern glare turned thoughtful for a few moments before she slyly smiled. “But you did run it, Antaeus.”

“Huh?”

She nodded. “You ran that fifteen miles, without the help of anypony, or ‘natural talent,’ it was just you putting one leg in front of the other.”

Anny just kicked his legs in the air, refusing to look at the really nice Princess. “Well, I did have a really good running buddy…”

Before the Princess could reply at the compliment, Anny scooted forward to hop off the counter. “Now, since I feel really bad about probably throwing your morning schedule off to help me, I’m just going to—“

Unbeknownst to Anny, who had never before experienced this level of muscle fatigue, his legs had decided to give out at the next opportunity that he wanted to use them. So, instead of hopping onto his feet with the typical grace that was known for a human, his face decided that it was time to get a little more intimate with with some marble flooring.

Slam!

Celestia gasped in horror as Anny hit the ground with a thump and a groan, Anny curling into a semi-ball in pain and whimpering.

“Oh goodness, Antaeus! Are you alright?” she asked, hopping off the counter and helping the human to shaky feet, Anny holding his now aching head while Celestia eyes him up and down, looking for any serious injury.

Shaking his head and blinking owlishly, Anny muttered, “I’m fine, I’m fine.” He chuckled nervously as the Princess circled him. “It’s just a little bump on the head and some tired muscles, I’ll be fine.”

Tsking, Celestia all but forced the human to lean into her, the alicorn leading him out of the kitchen. “Well, let me at least help you get home,” the Princess insisted.

“You don’t have to do that, Princess,” Anny weakly said while she all but dragged him through the hallways. “I can get to the Sparkles’ house by myself.”

Celestia shook her head, her face set with grim determination. “Nonsense, it was partially my fault that you’re in this condition, so it’s only fair that that I be the one to take you there. Besides, I want to check on Twilight. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her after all.”

The human nodded, a warm smile on his face as he looked at the Princess. Wow I really didn’t think anybody could be this nice, he thought to himself as Celestia navigated the two through her labyrinth of a castle and onto the street.

If the Princess had bothered to look over her shoulder at the human she would have seen the proverbial hearts in the human’s eyes as she led him down the streets to the Sparkle household.

Smart, nice, pretty… Boy, did I pick the right mare, Anny thought with happiness, his arm tightening around the alicorns neck a little bit more, Celestia not noticing as her motherly concern kept her on the task at hand.

“You really didn’t need to do this, Princess,” Anny said tiredly. “I really am fine.”

It took all of the Princess’s diplomatic skills not to roll her eyes. Stallions are the same no matter the species, she thought with amusement. Not one of them can accept help without a fight…

“You’re right, Anny,” the Princess said calmly. “You didn’t need my help, but I needed a big, strong stallion escort me to the Sparkle residents.”

Behind the two, Gleaming Shield, who was trailing the two like guards were known to do, snorted. “If you’re looking for one of those, Highness, then you really picked the wrong monkey-alien.”

Now rolling her eyes, Celestia looked over her shoulder to glare at the guard, getting an emotionless, somewhat bored stare. “Gleaming Shield.”

“Yes, ma’am?”

“Didn’t I tell you to return to the barracks?”

The guard nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Why aren’t you there then?”

While her glare would scare the fiercest monster, Gleaming Shield, like all veteran guards, couldn’t really give a horse apple at the Princess’s fake angry glares.

“Well, ma’am, I noticed that you were leaving the castle so I decided to escort you.”

“I don’t need an escort, Sergeant.”

The Princess could have sworn she saw the barest hint of a smile on the guard’s face. “I know you don’t, My Lady. I just needed a big, strong alicorn to escort me around.” The guard looked from the Princess to the human for a moment. “And, Ma’am, it seems like the human is out like a light.”

Blinking in surprise, the Princess looking up at the human, noticing that Anny was actually asleep, the human still somehow walking while he quietly snored.

“Curious…”

The Sergeant shrugged. “I’ve seen something like this a few times, Princess,” he said as the Princess gently placed the sleeping human onto her back. “It happens once in a while with the new recruits after a long days’ worth of running. Captain Hoplite, back in the day, used to have one of us walk around the castle at night to look out for sleepmarchers.”

The Princess smiled slightly at that a little bit of information. “Well, I hope Antaeus is okay.”

“I’m sure that he’s fine, Princess, but personally, I think the colt needs a little more of this.” he shrugged at Celestia’s bewildered look. “If somepony like him can’t just run that little bit then it’s almost a travesty not to help him.”

Celestia hummed thoughtfully. It would be nice to have a running buddy that will actually talk to me to just talk...

“Well, If Anny has no objections, then I don’t see why he cannot join us.” She looked back at him as he let out a loud snore. “But I believe that we need to first start at a level that he can participate in.”

“And, Princess, if I may be so bold, it wouldn’t go amiss of you happened to cast a quick heal spell in the young colt, otherwise, he might not be able to walk for the next few days,” Shield said while the human snored loudly and jerked in his sleep, almost falling off the alicorn.

Anny, though unconscious, would later be told by a horribly proud Cadence how well he did in the start to becoming closer to Princess Celestia by going out and doing something that would ensure that the two spend quality time getting to know each other.

Twilight, though, would tell the human how stupid almost killing himself to save face with the Princess was, and how he was never supposed to do that again.

But it didn’t matter to Anny, because Cupid finally hit him with a pony-love arrow, and boy did it hurt so good.

Author's Note

Fair warning, the next Ch is going to be banana's. Point out the errors, comment, etc. You know the drill

Step Four: Always pay for Lunch (Even if You Can't Afford It)
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Four: Always pay for Lunch (Even if You Can't Afford It)

“Come on, Anny, it’s time to get up!”

…No, I wanna sleep, Anny thought, ignoring the thing that was poking his side. Go away…

“Young Anny, you will get up this instant or We will push you off the bed and dump water on thee,” another voice said in an almost bored tone.

His eyes snapping open, Anny saw that Luna and Twilight were standing over him, one in a silly workout outfit and the other holding a bucket aloft in her magic.

“Art thou finally awake?” Luna asked. “You have much to do on this day.” She looked up at the bucket. “What are We going to do with this now?”

Twilight and the human watched the alicorn trot out the room, humming thoughtfully. “We could see if Shining Armor is awake…”

Twilight shook her head at the princesses’ antics before nudging her friend in concern. “Are you alright?” she asked, looking over him. “You’re not sore or anything? You made sure to stretch with the princess the other day like I told you?”

Anny snorted, rolling off the bed and fixing the sheets. “I’m fine, Twi,” he said while biting back a yawn and making his way into the bathroom. “You almost sound like your mother. Next you’ll be asking if I want any more to eat.”

The bookworm bristled at the accusation. “Excuse me if I’m worried about my friend!”

Even through the bathroom door, she heard him quietly laugh. “And it’s not because you want to see why I can’t run longer than I can or some other silly thing like that?”

Anny’s answer was silence before the little alicorn huffed.

“You should be able to run for miles, Anny,” she defended, sitting in front of the bathroom door. “There’s so many signs that show you should be able to run all day without being tired!”

She got up and began pacing, the gears working in her head. “Your running ability should outclass a pony in every way! The shock absorbing tendons, the arched feet, the huge buttocks! I honestly can’t understand it; you should be running circles around the princess and her guard!”

Anny slowly opened the door to raise an eyebrow at her. “Isn’t the princess a super-being that raises the sun every day?”

Twilight blinked. “Of course s—”

“Are the guards trained professionals; they’ve been to boot camp and stuff like that?”

“...Yeah.”

Anny nodded once and closed the door again, Twilight hearing the shower turning on. “Just explain it with magic if you can’t think of any other reason why! It always helps me.”

The bookworm snorted, sitting on her rump and crossing her forelegs. “Magic doesn’t explain

everything here, Anny…”

Her ears perked when she heard a girly shriek.

“What in the hay, Luna?!”

“We told you that we would dump this bucket on your head if you didn’t awaken, Young Prince.”

“I was getting up!”

“…We didn’t wish for a perfectly good bucket of water to go waste.”

$@##@$

“—And one and two and three and four, come on everypony, get those hooves in the air and stretch!”

Shining groaned as he raised his hooves into the air, his spine popping from the yoga position, as he looked around at his little group, an amused smile on his face.

His sister was in her workout gear, sweat streaming down her purple face as she tried her best to imitate a horseshoe, her hooves kicking in the air in determination. His wife, a regular patron of places like this, was balancing on a hind leg while the back of her head was touching her back.

The Prince almost flinched when he saw his wife. Sweet Celestia, that looks like it hurts, he thought, trying to keep his position.

“Twilight,” he called from across the room. “Are you alright there?”

Twilight gritted her teeth. “I’m… fine…”

“Are you sure? You do know this is the advanced yoga instructor, right?”

“…Yes….”

“You could go over there with Princess Celestia and Anny,” he said helpfully, his gaze going over to the big alicorn and human, both of them going through their positions calmly.

Twilight just gritted her teeth harder, struggling to bend her hoof more. “I… can… do… this…”

Pop!

The yoga instructor smiled as the bookworm hit her mat while a pained squeak, the stallion almost clapping his hooves together. “Good work girls! Keep it up!”

Shining looked at him in astonishment. “How was that good work?!”

“If you’re not dislocating something you’re not doing it right, my Prince!”

In the other part of the yoga studio

Celestia sighed as she slowly rose to her hind legs and shifted her body, bending her knees slightly to keep balance as Anny and the instructor did the same.

“Now, let’s go from Prayer Twist to the tree,” the instructor calmly said, the mare smiling at the two. “Good, good, remember to keep that leg strong and keep your balance centered.”

This is truly relaxing, Celestia thought, closing her eyes.

“Shining, pop it back in, pop it back in!”

“I’m trying! If you’d hold still for five seconds—“

Snap!

“OW!”

Truly, truly relaxing…

The alicorn was interrupted from her little search for enlightenment by Anny quietly groaning.

“This is wayyy harder than it looks,” he said to her quietly.

She giggled, shifting to the Royal Dancer pose. “You’re doing far better than me, Anny,” she complimented, using a wing to keep herself from falling over—again—while the human shrugged.

“It’s not really hard,” he told her. “What makes it hard is doing so much of it.” The two got into Warrior’s Stance. “What’s weird is how you guys can do this without breaking your spines.”

“Shiny, can you help me for a second please?”

“…Cadence…how did you get like that?”

“I don’t know, but could you help me please? I can’t feel my legs…”

The three ignored the little outburst from the other side of the room while the instructor slowly got back onto all fours. “Annnnd done,” she said, giving the two a big smile. “That was very good you two, I’d—”

Celestia yelped when she felt her weight shift violently, the alicorn’s wings flapping in panic as she slowly started to fall. “Oh horsea —”

To her relief, she felt hands under her barrel and around her neck, Anny rushing over to her; all but picking her up and carefully placing her back on her hooves.

“Are you okay, Celestia?” the human asked with concern while the alicorn quietly laughed.

“I am, thanks to my knight in shining armor swooping in to save me again,” she said, giving him a friendly nuzzle. “Thank you, Anny. If it wasn’t for you I’d be one big bruise today.”

Fighting a blush, Anny looked away from the Princess as the yoga instructor made her way toward where Shining and the gang were trying to stem some of the chaos.

“I just leaned you the other way a couple of times,” Anny muttered while the princess gave him a nudge.

“Well, thank you anyway,” she said sweetly before looking over toward her ex-student and cringing. “Oh, that looks unpleasant….”

The human nodded, growing slightly green. “Why is Princess Cadence in a ball like that?”

“I don’t know…”

The two looked at each other for a second before the sound of popping made their spines shiver.

“Maybe we should wait for them outside,” Anny suggested.

Pop!

Cringing, Celestia nodded. “We can go out for some lunch while they sort this out,” she said, before calling to Shining, who was popping his wife’s legs back into place. “Shining Armor, Anny and I are going out to lunch, alright?”

The stallion nodded. “Alright *snap* Princess, we’ll catch up with you *pop* in a little bit!... Probably!”

Not able to stand it anymore, Anny and Celestia ran out the door, while Shining looked at his sister and his wife in irritation.

“You really had to start with the advanced version first, didn’t you?”

Twilight ignored her brother, looking at Cadence as the pink alicorn just wiggled around a little bit before getting back into position.

“Cadence,” she said, nursing her shoulder. “How can you still move?”

Getting into Triple Prone Cobra, the princess of love looked at her sister-in-law with a little smile. “Lots and lots of practice, Twilight.”

Pop!

“Owowowo! I felt that one!”

…

All of his life, Anny always felt uncomfortable whenever other people paid for his meals. To him, you looked like a jerk whenever someone picked up your tab. If anything, you should be paying for the person that you were eating with, especially if that person was a women or a good friend. It wasn’t a moral thing, or because he wanted to brown nose, it was just something beat into him as a kid.

Which was why he and Celestia were having an argument on who was paying as a waiter brought them their food.

“Please, Princess,” the human all but begged, sipping his sweet tea. “Just let me pay for this.”

The princess shook her head, almost glaring at him before looking down at her salad with contempt. “I have to insist that I pay for this, Anateus.”

“I’m not going to let you pay for this.”

“Oh, but you will, my little human.”

“I will take the check off you as soon as it comes.”

The alicorn snorted in amusement and irritation. “Anny, I will be paying for this lunch even if I have to throw you in the dungeons.”

Anny opened his mouth and immediately closed it when the princess raised an eyebrow before sipping his tea.

“… You wouldn’t do that.”

Celestia leaned over the table toward him, a small, devious smile on her face. “Sergeant?”

“Yes ma’am?” Anny struggled not to yelp when Gleaming Shield materialized behind him.

“If I do not pay for this lunch, or Anny tries to take the check off me, please apprehend him.”

The guard raised an eyebrow. “How much force is allowed, Highness?”

Inspecting a piece of chopped tomato before popping it into her mouth, the princess hummed thoughtfully. “As much as you feel the need to use, Sergeant.”

Anny grumbled to himself as the guardspony saluted. Anny picked up his sandwich and taking a huge bite out of it. “…Cheater,” he said after swallowing.

He was answered with an elegant laugh. “A princess does not cheat, young Antaeus,” Celestia said sagely. “She merely does not play fair.”

That’s the same thing… the human thought to himself while the two in relative silence, which brought along a terrible thought. What am I going to talk to her about?!

Don’t get him wrong, Anny had been tutored for days by Cadence, Twilight, and Luna on the white alicorn’s likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams. They even made him learn the recipe of her favorite cake by heart, so he probably could've talked until the cows came home about something.

But all of the vast—and kind of creepy—knowledge was gone as he watched her eat her salad, but it was replaced with something better, a plan of sorts. So, like all first dates that he had been on—which was one blind date set up by his friends that went horribly, horribly wrong-- Anny just went with it.

“So, Celestia,” he said as calmly as he could, even leaning an elbow on the table to show the maximum levels of calm and collectedness as another hand started to snake forward. “How has the whole princess thing been going lately?”

Celestia couldn’t help but smile as she wiped her mouth with a napkin. Oh, the dear thinks I’m just getting bored and is trying to entertain me…

“It has been fine, Anny,” she said. “Thank you for as—” She froze when she watched Anny switch their plates, the princess getting half of a sandwich and a plateful of fries and Anny getting half of a salad.

For the first time in a long, long time princess couldn’t help but whimper as the salty scent of the fries hit her nose. “A-Anny what are y-you—”

Picking up a fork, the human started eating the salad, trying not to throw up as he gave her a little shrug. “The two of us have been working our butts off so I thought you’d like to get something other than this,” he tapped his new plate with a thumb. “Besides, I can’t stand seeing how sad you looked when you were eating that.”

God this is awful, she couldn’t even put dressing on this?! Women… Anny thought as he tried to shove as much of the leafy awfulness into his mouth as quickly as possible so he wouldn’t have to prolong eating it, not noticing that there were practically tears of joy in Celestia’s eyes.

He was just trying to distract me so he could take my food, she thought before collecting herself. Nono, I should stick to my diet… She ignored her growling stomach as she looked down at the food.

“Anny, I have to insist—” she stopped when he showed her his plate, which was empty, while he looked proudly over at her.

“Now you’re gonna have to eat it!” he said in triumph, his smile growing when he saw her drooling.

Once again, the princess tried to rally herself. “Anny, this is sweet but I really can’t eat this.”

Anny raised an eyebrow. “I promise I wouldn’t tell anyone if you eat it, Princess.” He waved a hand dismissively. “Quit trying to wiggle out of this and just eat it.”

The two watched as their waitress came over with a happy smile on her face. “Would either of you like to try any of our desserts?”

Anny cleared his throat and said, “Um, actually, do you have cake?” He ignored Celestia, who was practically sweating.

The little mare nodded, bringing out a notepad with a spell. “Yes we do! We have chocolate, vanilla, velvet, and,” she leaned in. “‘Death by Chocolate.’”

Anny hummed theatrically. “Death by Chocolate? What’s that?”

“Well, Sir, the Death by Chocolate is a piece of double chocolate cake with chocolate icing that’s sprinkled with shaved chocolate and it comes with rocky-road ice cream.”

The human gave her a great, big smile. “Well, could I get one of those?”

“Of course, Sir!” the waitress said happily, turning to leave as Celestia looked at him desperately.

“A-Anny, I-I can’t—Om nom nom nom!” Not able to contain herself any longer, the princess dove into her food with the ferocity of a Manticore-- attracting quite a few concerned and amused stares-- as Anny looked on.

Oh by the sun! she thought as she stuffed fries down her gullet in an unprincess-like fashion. These are amazing!

The cheese sandwich was gone in three bites, and the fries, though the plate had been filled to the brim with them, didn’t look like they were going to last much longer as bits of food and tea flew everywhere, along with the many pictures that were being taken by the ponies surrounding them.

Not that that mattered to the princess. For those few minutes, the alicorn was not Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and Lady of the Sun. No, her’s was a simpler and nobler title; she was Celestia, Queen of empty calories and fats, of poor manners and slobbishness, and of cake and ice cream.

And it was glorious.

Though Celestia didn’t notice, Anny had ordered three more platefuls of fries and another death by ice cream for the poor, hungry princess, with a big smile on his face.

“Eat up, Princess,” he said, taking a sip of his soda and wiping a bit of half-chewed Prench-fry off his face. “You deserve it…”

Awkwardly, the waiting staff watched in horror as their princess all but ruined the table she was sitting at, which was made worse when all of the customers slowly and carefully started to back away from the ravenous alicorn.

What were they going to do? They couldn’t let the princess do this, it was disgusting and rather off-putting, but how were they going to tell the ruler of the sun that she had to leave without getting banished?

Anny saved them by flagging one of them down, the human leaning toward the waitress’s ear.

“Ma’am,” he whispered, “how much would it cost to buy out this whole part of the restaurant?”

The mare looked at him in shock. “Um, I don’t know… We usually don’t do that kind of thing…”

The human nodded, reaching into his pocket to pull out a big bag of bits, a month's worth of his pay, and handing it to her. “Well, Sweetheart, since this is a Princess—whose appearance here is really going to keep this place busy for a while—and she’s looking a little silly at the moment, how about you take this hundred bits and just close this place for the day?”

The mare’s ears flattened against her skull as she looked worryingly around, unsure what to do. “Um—“

Anny sighed. “I’ll even clean up the place, out here, in the kitchens, the whole shebang.”

The mare’s eyes lit up, along with half of the staff—who were kind of eavesdropping on the conversation.

“I’ll ask my manager, sir, and see what he thinks,” she said, turning around before Anny stopped her.

“Wait, could you get us some more to eat?” Anny’s eye twitched as half of a sandwich hit him in the face. “Like a lot more to eat?”

Seven milkshakes, fifteen plates of fries, too much cake and ice cream, and ten various types of sandwiches later….

“—and make sure that the fryer is scrubbed thoroughly and you’ll be done,” the manager said to a resigned Anny as he hoofed him the keys.

“And I just bring these to you tomorrow?” he asked, looking around the filthy kitchen. Oh boy… I’m gonna be here all night…

The stallion nodded as he adjusted his tie. “Yep, oh and if you do a good job I might even think about hiring you!” He flashed the human a smile that wasn’t returned.

“Yay me…” Anny muttered as the two made their way out of the kitchen.

“So, Mr. Human—“

“Just Anny please.”

“—Anny, I have to ask, why did you do it?”

The manager was given a confused look.

“What do ya mean?”

The stallion waved his hoof around. “You know, this. Arguing with me to close my store, cleaning our kitchen for nothing—“

“It looks like you guys haven’t cleaned that place for weeks,” Anny interrupted, grumbling. “You shouldn’t have an A for your food service hickey…”

“—you know that the Princess doesn’t take suitors, right?”

Anny raised an eyebrow. “Why does that matter?”

The manager blinked in confusion as the human continued, “This was just because I thought she deserved a little cheating day from her diet.”

The two turned the corner to see the ground zero of the battlefield, the princess in the center with a bulging stomach and the biggest grin on her face that Anny had ever seen.

The two looked at each other and back at the scene, the manager snorting. “A little cheat day, huh?”

Anny leaned forward and grabbed a broken chair, which appeared to have a number of bite marks all over it.

“…We’ll just have to do a few more crunches than usual for the next couple of days and she’ll be fine.”

The stallion shrugged, making his way to the door. “Whatever you say, monkey guy.” After giving the silly, stuffed princess a respectful bow, he opened the front door. “Just remember, this needs to be cleaned up by five tomorrow!”

Yeah, you keep telling me, Anny sourly thought as he made his way to Celestia, gently patting her on the stomach. “Celestia, are you alright?”

The alicorn’s eyes slowly focused on him before she groaned miserably. “Anny, is that you?”

The human leaned closer toward her. “Yeah, it’s me, are you alright?”

She groaned again, her hooves going to her stomach.

“I think I ate a little too much,” she sheepishly admitted.

“You’re not going to throw up or anything, are you?” Anny asked with concern, getting a shake of the head from Celestia.

“No, I believe I will be alright,” she said, her belly already shrinking. “My metabolism works quickly, Anny. I’ll have all of this digested in an hour or three.” She tried to rise from her seat and discovered, to her embarrassment, that she couldn’t get up. “…Though it appears that I may need a little help getting home…”

Is she?...

“Princess,” Anny awkwardly said as she looked hopefully up at him. “Do you want me to carry you?”

The alicorn coughed, refusing to look at him. “I would appreciate it, Anny,” she said diplomatically, though there was a hint of pink on her cheeks.

“I would have a chariot brought here but I don’t think my sister will let me live this down if she found out, and teleporting from here to the castle might be too difficult in my… condition…”

His cheeks glowing, Anny leaned back down and wrapped a hand around her back and rump and lifted her off the chair, trying not to drop her as his eyes widened in surprise. “She’s REALLY heavy now he thought to himself before gving Celestia a half-smile.

“Alright,” he said as her horn glowed. “But I don’t know how I’m going to get you up there without anyone seeing…”

The alicorn laughed softly, placing her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes as he slowly carried her out of the building. “Don’t worry about that, Anny, my little ponies will just see you carrying a small white mare.” She smiled up at him. “I’m sure they won’t find the sight odd.”

“He is correct, Anatues,” Anny jumped this time when the guard once again just materialized at his side. “My lady is hidden at the moment; you can only see her as she is because you are so close.”

Anny’s eyes widened when the guard pointed this out, his blush creeping past his neck as she felt the softness of Celestia’s coat rub against his bare skin. She smells really nice…

The alicorn hummed quietly as he lead her through the streets, a feeling of guilt creeping up on her. “Anny, I’m sorry for this,” she said quietly, giving his neck a gentle nuzzle. “I got carried away and you have to deal with the backlash.”

He just patted her on the back soothingly. “Aw, come on, you didn’t do anything wrong!”

Her ears pinned themselves against her head in shame. “A princess is supposed to have self-control, Antaeus, and what I did in there was not self-control.”

“I am the one that practically made you eat all of that,” the human pointed out. “So none of that negative-Nancy nonsense, Princess; you carried me so I have no problem carrying you. “

Celestia couldn’t help but grin a little at that as she gave him another nuzzle. “My little ponies could learn something from you, Anny,” she whispered.

Anny reached up a hand to scratch her ear. “Where do you think I learned it?”

The two were quiet after that, the princess now happily humming with each step as the castle came within sight. What a sweetheart, she thought with a smile. He’ll make a mare happy one day…

Gleaming Shield cleared his throat. “Anny, we need to go to the southern entrance…Princess Luna may be stalking around, and, if I’m not mistaken, she’ll be able to see through the Princesses’ illusion.”

“Yes sir,” he muttered, earning a smile from the princess.

“Just Sergeant will do, Anny.”

“Is there really a difference?”

The guard nodded solemnly. “Or course there is, now please get behind me so I can get us through the guards.”

After a brief explanation/lie, the three were allowed in, Anny rushing the princess into her room as quickly as he could without getting her sick.

“Um, Princess, which one is your room?” he asked as he walked through the labyrinth of corridors, all of the doors a uniform grey color.

The princess opened an eye and pointed a hoof to a door in front of him. “Right there, Anny dear,” she looked at him. “Have I really never invited you into my chambers?”

“Not that I remember, no,” Anny said as he carefully opened her bedroom door and ushered her in, stopping for a second to look around.

Boy is this room HUGE!...And purple…

Celestia smiled when she saw his wide eyes. “Yes, Anny, I will admit that it is a bit...much.”

“Why is there three bathrooms?... And is that a little kitchen?” Shaking his head, Anny made his way over to the princesses’ giant bean-bag chair and sat her down.

She smiled sweetly up at him. “Thank you, Antaeus, you really are a gentlecolt.”

The human rubbed the back of his head bashfully. “It’s really nothing, Princess.”

Beckoning him to lean down, Celestia leaned up and wrapped her friend in a wing hug. “Well, it meant something to me,” she whispered quietly.

Anny didn’t even hear her, experiencing his first proper wing hug in all of its glory. The alicorn’s wings, softer than anything that he had ever felt, surrounded him in a cocoon of warmth, safety, and comfort.

Brought to tears, the human wrapped his arms around Celestia’s neck, earning a soft coo from her as the two held the hug for what seemed like hours, before, with regret—he did still had to clean a restaurant after all—Anny let her go.

“Anny, would you like to stay for tea?” Celestia asked with that big, beautiful smile on her face, her purple eyes practically glowing.

Wiping a stray tear from his eye, Anny regretfully shook his head. “I’m sorry, Princess—”

“Celestia.”

“—Celestia. I’d love to, but I have a lot of stuff to do…”

The alicorn frowned, trying to keep the disappointment off her face. “Oh, wel—”

“I’d love to come another time though.”

The smile that she gave him as he said his goodbye made his day, a big smile on his face as he opened her door.

To see Gleaming Shield looking up at him emotionlessly.

The guard couldn’t help but smile as the human jumped in fright, quickly closing the door behind him before turning back and glaring at the aging stallion.

“Do you really have to do that all the time?!”

The Sergeant raised an eyebrow, nudging his head and making his way down the hall, forcing Anny to follow him.

“Antaeus,” he said after staying silent for a few moments. “Thank you for helping the princess to her room.”

Anny waved the thank you off. “It’s really no big deal.”

Shield raised an eyebrow but didn’t say a thing as the two made their way out of the castle and through a part of the city that Anny wasn’t familiar with, which made him slightly nervous.

“Um, Sir, where are we—”

“You’ll find out when we get there,” the Sergeant interrupted, still calmly and leisurely walking down the road.

Oh…This is just like those movies! Anny thought in panic as he looked around for a way to escape. He’s going to take me behind an alley and beat me with a fish!... That’s what happens in those movies?... Right?

“Antaeus, we're here,” Shield calmly said, looking over his shoulder to see Anny’s panicked face.

“A-And why are we going i-into an abandoned w-warehouse?”

The guard just responded with a head nudged while he opened the door and stepped into the darkness. “Come on, Anny, let’s just get this over with.”

Well, time to run aw—before he could so much as yelp, he was pulled into the warehouse by an unseen force, his senses overwhelmed with darkness before someone turned on the light.

“C-can s-someone t-turn o-on a light p-please?” Anny begged, rooted to the ground in fear.

Honestly, Anny preferred the darkness to what was waiting for him.

As soon as the lights were on and his eyes adjusted to the harsh light, Anny was looking right at what appeared to be the entirety of day guard, each of the stallions glaring at the human as the doors behind him were closed.

Anny squeaked, trying to look around for a way out while Gleaming Shield once again appeared in front of him.

“Antaeus, we of the day guard have protected the royal highness for over two thousand years,” the guard said flatly while his fellow guards nodded in agreement. “Morning, night, and evening we keep her safe, and because of this many of us like to think the princess as our child, a mare that all of us need to keep safe and happy.”

Anny was forcibly sat down in a chair as Shield started to pace in front of him. “So, over the years, it has been a secret task of the guard to keep those that would use our princess for their benefit from getting to her.”

A particularly burly stallion cracked his neck. The human was one step away from making a mess in his pants.

Shield all but pressed his muzzle against Anny’s nose while he looked into his eyes. “And we are VERY good at our job.”

The guard stallion couldn’t help but take a step back when the human finally realized what they were insinuating, the edges of his vision going red with rage. “I’d never do that to the princess!” he snapped, the guards looking at each other in mild concern. “This isn’t about money, or power, or anything like that!”

Anny looked at his hands, the princess’s smile flashing in his mind. “I… really don’t know what the feeling is…” he admitted to all of them, his cheeks slightly pink. “But I know that I don’t want it to go away, and I want her to feel what I feel!”

Rising to his feet, he closed his fist, the knuckles cracking as he looked at each of them in determination. “And I’m not going to let a bunch of bullies get in the way of that!” Despite having no knowledge of fighting whatsoever, he got into a little fighting stance.

“And if you guys have a p-problem with that, then I guess we have a problem, h- huh?”

I’m gonna get wrecked so hard…

The stallions looked at him, then at each other, the room deadly silent before, to his surprise, they all started stomping their hooves in celebration.

The Sergeant smiled up at the confused man, patting his side. “Well done, Antaeus,” he said before every stallion in the place stopped and saluted. “You’ve passed.”

“W-What?”

The still beaming Sergeant sat down. “Like I said before, Anny, we try our best to keep most of the ponies that are trying to be the apple of Princess Celestia’s eye, so we have this little show of force,” he swept a hoof around the room. “To scare off the shallow ones.”

“And you just showed us that you aren’t one of the shallow ones,” a stallion said from the crowd, the rest of them nodding in agreement.

“So?” a confused Anny said, still lost as to what was going on and why he wasn’t being beaten.

“So, you have our blessing to court the princess.” The guard saluted again. “And you have our help, if you wish, though it will have to be done in secret.”

Anny couldn’t help but smile at the group, before looking dejectedly back at the door. “Thanks guys; that means a lot to me! ... But right now I have to go back to the restaurant.” He could practically feel his back aching already. “I have some cleaning to do…”

Gleaming Shield raised an eyebrow before pointing at a group of stallions. “You, you, and you, go help him clean up, the rest of you, return to the castle with me.”

Before he could argue, a trio of Pegasi threw him on one of their backs before they galloped out of the building while Gleaming Shield pulled out a bubble-blower, a big smile on his face.

“You work hard, boy,” he muttered. “Because even with our support she probably wouldn’t take you.”

He filled his makeshift pipe with a small dollop of bubbles and blew. “You try real hard, real, real hard.”

Author's Note

I see your well thought out, reasonable explanations, and give you horses doing yoga :trollestia:

Oh, and I lied about the banana chapter(sorry) but it's coming next time.

Comment, point out errors(I swear I'm trying to make sure you don't see as many), etc

Edit: alrighty, I think I got all of the weird name variations done.

Its ANTAEUS Antaeus Da@#it!

Step Five: When in Doubt, Go All In and Ask Her Out
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Five: When in Doubt, Go All In and Ask Her Out

Step Five: When in Doubt, Go All In and Ask Her Out

It was another fulfilling, yet tiring, night for Luna that was thankfully at its end. All she needed to do was lower her moon and have a nice little late dinner--breakfast for everypony else—with her family members, then she could take a nice long bubble bath and go to sleep.

“But we will have to get up early…again, for niece Cadence’s nonsense,” the Princess of the Night muttered as she made her way to her balcony. She looked up at her moon with a small smile, muttering the spell that sent the moon on its lower path, her horn glowing in

majestic power.

Not that she didn’t enjoy helping Cadence with her little ‘project’ between Anny and her sister. In fact, she took more than a little pleasure in spending time with her new human friend, helping him with his love quest.

Young Anny will have our dear sister in those appendages of his within a fortnight, Luna thought as she opened her bedroom door and started to make her way to the dining room. Though We do not understand why he cannot simply ask for her hoof and pay for the dowry as stallions did in our time.

The princess smiled at the memory some of her more feisty suitors. I wonder if there are still fights for mares’ hooves… We would enjoy seeing a hoof fight or duel for love again.

Luna was so lost in her thought that she almost knocked into a pair of maids, the mares all but shrieking apologies at her as she made her way around them, now carefully minding her surroundings.

“Oh, hello, Aunty Luna!” A chipper voice said behind the princess, Luna turning around to see a brightly smiling and fully dressed Cadence all but skipping toward her. The dark blue alicorn nodded her head in greeting.

“Good morning, dear Niece,” Luna said as the two made their way through the halls. “We hope thine dreams were well?”

The Princess of Love giggled, making Luna wonder how the pink alicorn was able to be so chipper in the mornings.

“They were great as always, Aunty!” Cadence replied. “I do have somepony watching over them and doing a great job at it after all!”

Not one to take a compliment without grace, Luna didn’t comment, though her chest did puff out slightly in pride as the two made their way into the dining room to see that Celestia was already there, also fully dressed and awake.

While this wasn’t odd in itself-- as the ruler of the sun it’s your job to be a morning pony after all—what made the two alicorns share a glance was that Celestia was looking through a stack of letters that were strikingly familiar to Luna and Cadence. They did help make them after all.

“Good morning, Sister,” Luna called, Celestia looking up at her and Cadence with a smile.

“How was thy night?”

Celestia carefully placed one of the letters that she was reading down and gave her fellow alicorns a smile as they sat down and ordered their respective breakfast/dinners. “Good morning, Cadence, Luna,” she said brightly before thanking a servant when he hoofed her a cup of coffee. “How are you two this fine morning? My night was lovely as always sister, thank you for asking.”

“Tired,” Luna said flatly, muttering thanks as she was hoofed her black coffee. “It truly has been an exhausting few days.”

Celestia looked at her sister with concern. “Maybe you should take a day or two off, Sister,” Celestia said kindly. “It wouldn’t do anypony any good for you to burn yourself out… Maybe you could spend a little less time with Antaeus and my student and more time sleeping.”

To her credit, Luna didn’t even blink as her sister’s look turned more questioning. “Young

Cadence, Sir Shining, and I are helping the young human and friend Twilight in settling Anny in for his stay in our fair city,” she lied as Celestia smiled slightly.

“And haven’t thou also been spending much time with the young human also?”

Luna already knew the answer, but it was better if she steered the conversation away so Cadence wouldn’t start yelling out anything.

The Princess of the Sun giggled quietly. “Yes, Anny and I have been getting to know each other well over the last few weeks,” she admitted. “He’s a rather good running buddy.”

To Cadence’s horror—she wasn’t a very good liar at best and her aunt could smell a liar from a mile away, usually—Celestia’s gaze turned toward her.

“Where is Shining Armor today, Cadence?” she asked the pink alicorn, who suddenly couldn’t help but take great interest in her cereal. “He’s usually at breakfast before me.”

Ignoring the warning glare from Luna, Cadence said, “Oh, um, he wasn’t feeling very well,” she lied. “I convinced the poor dear to get a little more sleep.”

“Oh, its not anything serious I hope?”

The Princess of Love shook her head, waving her Aunt’s concern away with a hoof. “It’s just a little head cold, nothing to worry about.”

With a faked look of interest at her letters, Cadence said, “What are those, Aunty? Some love letters?”

“Thou art the pillar of sneakiness, Niece,” Luna muttered, which Cadence pointedly ignored, while Celestia looked down at her letters with a small smile.

“Oh yes, ‘love letters’,” Celestia said with a mirthful tone. “You could say that’s what they are.”

Once again, Cadence and Luna shared a look while Celestia picked up one of the letters. “It seems that some little ones decided to write me a few poems, in crayon no less!” Celestia didn’t notice her fellow princesses’ sour looks as she looked down at the letters.

“Twilight’s mom wouldn’t let us use pencil…” Cadence muttered, earning her a shove from Luna while Celestia’s smile dampened a little.

“Though some of these are a little too… adult for a colt or filly to write; at least for my taste.”

Clearing her throat she read aloud, “Roses are red, violets are black, I don’t know what you think, but your bum… I don’t believe that I need to go any further.”

The sun monarch shook her head. “Their spelling was atrocious to top it all off…”

Cadence and Luna looked at each other. “If We may ask, Sister, what did they misspell?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “If you must know, they misspelled ‘fat.’”

Cadence cleared her throat awkwardly; she knew which poem her aunt was talking about.

“Um, Aunty, how did they spell it?

The white alicorn looked back down at the paper. “P-h-a-t.”

“If it’s fat with a ph then it means something else...” How didn’t she like that one? That was gold for crying out loud!

Shrugging, the white alicorn hoofed her empty cup to a servant before getting up. “Well,

Sister, Cadence, I’d love to spend more time to chat but my exercise regiment awaits.”

Trotting over to nuzzle the two, Celestia made her exit, leaving Cadence and Luna alone.

“…We may have dropped the ball on that one,” Cadence confessed.

Luna gave her a single nod. “Yes…But the poems were excellent, it was simply how we conveyed them; that was where we lacked.”

Both of the princesses nodded knowingly.

“What do you think we should do now?” Cadence quietly asked.

“We were about to ask you, aren’t thou the Princess of Love?”

Cadence quietly huffed at the jib before she hummed thoughtfully. “Well, it sounds like Anny and Aunty are getting along just fine.”

“Verily.”

“Maybe we should get everything ready for his confession.”

Luna gasped in shock. “So soon?”

Cadence gave her Aunty a confident smirk. “Sometimes initiative is needed in matters like this, Aunty.”

“…We should remember to tell Anny not to tell sister about the poems though.”

“…As you say…”

~~@@~~

Shining Armor was honestly never a real chick magnet whenever he was younger. His only real fillyfriend was Cadence all of those years ago-- so he really didn’t know about the many different ways to woo a mare like his wife did. Which was fine; he was a simple stallion and as a simple stallion, he married a beautiful mare so he didn't need to learn any of that silly stuff.

Now, that being said, the stallion honestly couldn’t see how almost killing yourself running and exercising everyday helped Anny woo Celestia, but Cadence said that it would do something and that was good enough for him. Not really good for Anny, who he was dumping buckets of ice on while the human laid groaning in his mother’s bathtub, but still good.

Somehow.

“At least I’m getting better,” Anny said weakly but brightly, trying not to wince when another bucket of cold, cold ice hit his bare stomach. “Remember the first time I ran with the princess and got home, huh, Shining?”

The stallion couldn’t help but grimace at the memory. “Yeah, I remember, Anny, you couldn’t get up for two days, even with the princess using healing magic on you.”

Not able to help himself, Shining leaned over the tub to poke the human in the stomach, earning him a pained groan.

“Don’t do that!” Anny whined, Shining snickering. “It’s tender…”

“At least the Princess’s work out regiment put a little bit of muscle on you.” He couldn’t help but frown at the human’s stomach. “Now, you’re sure that those muscles are supposed to look like that?”

With a stiff nod, Anny groaned again, muttering, “Yes. Hey, could you do me a favor and hand me that protein drink?”

Muttering his thanks when he was given his beverage, Anny took a big slurp while the stallion looked on in mild amazement, shaking his head.

“You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you were a living garbage disposal. You eat and drink all of this stuff and you look pretty much the same,” Shining muttered while Anny chortled.

“I think I get it from my mom,” he said, taking another big drink. “She could eat anything she wanted and still stay as thin as a board.” Anny smiled. “I remember this one time she ate three pizzas at this all-you-can-eat place and got us all kicked out because she wanted more.”

“It’s still weird…”

“Not as weird as anything that we’ve been doing lately,” Anny countered while he wiggled his toes. “I wonder if doing all of this exercise is bad for me. Whatcha think, Cappy?”

Shining rolled his eyes. “Anny… First off, please don’t call me that,” he grumbled. “I’m not a guard anymore. Second, I honestly have no idea if you’re messing yourself up, I’m not a doctor.”

“Oh,” Anny muttered, humming in thought before shrugging. “Eh, I should be fine.”

“As long as we keep hitting you with healing spells, sure,“ Shining muttered while Anny tried to get out of the tub. “Do you need a litt—”

“Young Antaeus! We have need of thee!”

Anny and Shining flinched as a voice all but shook the little house, Shining sighing in resignation.

“Well, it looks like Princess Luna and Candy are back,” he muttered while he tried to shake the ringing out of his ears. “We should probably—”

It was only through years of training, that Shining was able to put a shielding spell up around him and Anny before his mother’s bathroom door all but exploded, revealing a very determined looking Luna.

“There thou are!” she yelled, somehow yanking a confused and mildly scared Anny out of the bathtub right through the shield with her magic. “We have your—”

A blue glow surrounded the Princess of the Night’s mouth, promptly shutting up the very loud-mouth princess before she could do anymore damage.

“Aunty, please watch the volume,” a voice said wearily out from the hallway, Cadence poking her head through the broken door. “And did you really have to do that? I’m sure this door wasn’t cheap….”

Her eyes widened when she saw Anny floating in the air in just his shorts. “Oh, hello, Anny, Shiny! How was your morning?”

Shining looked at the broken door while he let down his shield spell—which he made for his mother as a gift in his high school wood shop class by the way—then to his wife, and then to Luna before he just sat down and facehoofed.

“What is my life?” he muttered to himself desperately.

Luna, Cadence, and Anny ignored him, the human giving the pink alicorn an unsure but happy smile. “Oh, just a little sore from this morning’s workout,” he said cheerfully. “Hey, how did those letters go with the Princess?”

Anny’s mood dampened slightly when he saw Cadence and Luna’s looks before Cadence gave him a big, fake smile.

“Oh, um, she really liked them!”

“Nay, dear niece, she thought they were from fillies and colts,” Luna said bluntly.

“Aunty Luna! I thought we said that we weren’t going to tell him!”

The Princess of the Night just shrugged. “We will not lie to him, dear niece. But we now have to discuss more important matters!”

With a spell, Luna summoned the things that she was sure would help the human successfully woo her sister. “We believe that thou art ready for the beginning of this courtship, young Anny. Thee have softened her up with sweet words and actions, but it is time to, as they say, ‘step up thine game and get thine mare’.

---@@~~~@@---

“…And as you can see, Aunty, that is why you should look into sending more of the royal budget into the royal granary,” Blueblood finished, the stallion looking up at his aunt with a hint of a smirk while the alicorn looked down at him with a big, proud smile.

You’ve really grown up these two years, Blueblood, the Princess of the Sun thought as nobility and commoner alike applauded the lecture. I can see that sending you into government work was the right thing to do.

Clearing her throat and quickly looking over the stack of papers that she had collected today, Celestia rose from her throne. “Very well executed, nephew,” she said, Blueblood’s smiling growing. “I believe that a few bits can be spared for your little project.”

Blueblood bowed. “That is all I ask, Princess. Thank you for listening to my little proposition.”

With another bow, the prince slowly turned around and started to make his way out of the chamber, which meant it was the princess’s favorite time of the day: quitting time.

Thankfully for her, her usual shadow, the Sergeant, already knew what to do, the stallion slamming the butt of his spear on the marble ground. “And that concludes the day court for today!” he shouted, much to the grumbling of many of the ponies that were still waiting in line.

“If you have further business either wait for tomorrow or take up the night court. Now get out, the princess has other things to do!”

Celestia couldn’t help but snort in amusement, leaning toward the stallion and murmuring, “Why do you have to be so rough with my little ponies, Sergeant?”

“Because they wouldn’t listen to anything else, Your Highness,” the stallion calmly said back.

The princess was about to say more when one of her guards trotted toward her, the stallion looking like he could barely contain his laughter for some reason.

Raising an eyebrow, the alicorn kindly asked, “Do you need something, my little pony?”

The stallion nodded. “*snort* Y-Yes your highness. T-the human had requested a m-meeting with you.”

Celestia couldn’t help but smile. “Oh, Anny’s here? Could you please send him in?”

Not daring to open his mouth lest he risk laughing, the stallion just nodded, turning around and trotting toward the giant doorway.

“Well, that was odd,” the Sergeant grumbled. “I think I’ll be having a little talk with that private about how to act properly when in the presence of—” the stallion’s mildly angry muttering died in his throat as the smiling human entered into the throne room, with an equally smiling Luna in tow.

Even with her incredible willpower and her thousands of years of diplomatic experience, Celestia couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight before her.

There was Anny, dressed up in appeared to be bright green spandex stockings, pants, and shirt with a lute held in one arm.

“…I take back what I said, Princess,” the Sergeant muttered to the princess. “Even I can see that this is funny, and I’m a heartless old fart.”

Now Celestia had to stick a hoof into her mouth to keep from laughing as Anny bowed. “Hello, Princess!” he said brightly, adding a wave for no particular reason.

Still smiling, Celestia returned with a smile of her own. “Why hello, Anny, Sister. It’s good to see you again.” Deciding not be beat around the bush, she asked, “May I inquire as to why you’re here and in that…colorful outfit?”

Anny blinked for a few seconds before a look of recognition crossed his face. “Oh, you mean the outfit? I almost forgot it was on…”

Luna nodded sagely. “Verily, Anny, We would almost say that this is thy color.”

“The green is a nice color, and it fits really well…”

Anny and Luna nodded in synch before the two cleared their throat, Luna levitating a pair of spoons toward her person and sitting down on her rump while Anny started to fiddle with his lute.

To Celestia’s confused amusement the two then coughed once before Anny started strumming his lute—not well—and Luna started clapping the two spoons against her hoof, the twin sounds forcing Celestia and her guard to fold their ears.

“~OOOOOOHHHHHHH!

There was once a Princess, wise and fair,

She really had a great head of hair!

But she was lonely and that’s not right,

So someone’s gotta set that right!

So here to see if it’s not too late,

If I can ask you, Princess, out on a date!~”

Thankfully, Anny’s voice was a lot nicer than his playing, so it almost made the rather silly song okay…. Almost.

When it ended, it left Anny all but gasping for breath, Luna with such a huge smile that Celestia feared that it was going to reach past her face, and Celestia and her guard thoroughly confused, though for politeness sake she clapped.

“Well, that was…nice.” Celestia said with a confused smile while Anny and Luna beamed up at her. “But, if I may be so bold as so ask, what is all of this for?”

“I think that the human is trying to woo you, Your Highness,” the Sergeant muttered, trying not to roll his eyes.

Celestia, the ruler of the sun and diarch of Equestria, couldn’t help but look down at her sister and her friend and utter the only thing that she could think of at that moment. “What?”

Anny and Luna almost seemed to deflate, the two groaning in exhaustion and irritation.“I knew we should have made the song longer!” Anny whined disheartedly.

Luna patted him on the back. “Nay, Anny, we believe that our sister’s confusion is our fault.” She looked at her spoons with disgust. “It was due to our neglect that We couldn’t figure what instrument would go well with the song, so we had to resort to these…”

Celestia cleared her throat, getting the two’s attention before she had to watch any more of what was going on.

“I’d hate to interrupt, but is what my guard says true, Anny?” she asked the human, who, summoning up his courage, took a step toward the Sun Princess.

“Weeeeeell, yeah, Princess,” Anny couldn’t help but look at his feet. “So I was wondering… wouldyouliketogooutsometime?”

Celestia’s confused looked transformed into a sad smile, the alicorn slowly getting off her throne and walking down the steps until she was face-to-face with the nervous man.

Putting a hoof in the human’s shoulder, the princess said, “Anny, I really don’t know what to say.” She looked him in the eyes. “How long have you had these feelings for me?”

“I kinda had them for a couple of months before I came up to Canterlot,” Anny replied nervously. “But I knew when I started running with you.”

Celestia nodded, turning toward her sister. “And how long has Luna been a part of this?”

The Princess of the Night shifted around in excitement, her giant, proud smile still on her face.

“Cadence, young Twilight, and I have been helping Anny for weeks, dear sister,” she said. “I personally find the human’s feelings for thee adorable; so we have decided to help ‘ship’ thee as it were.”

He’s been a sweetheart since you’ve met him, Celestia, the alicorn thought to herself, her gaze going back to the nervous but hopeful-looking human. You need to make sure that you let him down gently.

“Anny,” she said after some thought. “You are a wonderful, bright young colt that will make somepony very happy someday.”

Celestia sat down, a gentle smile on her face. “But unfortunately, I have to turn you down. You want to grow old with somepony, and I don’t think I could bear the thought of watching a lover grow old and die in my hooves. So, unfortunately, I must decline. It’s not you, it’s me.”

The princess couldn’t help but nod in satisfaction. Her explanation was sound, caring, gently and firmly told him that she wasn’t interested, so all in all it was a good way to turn someone—even her most insistent courtiers—down.

But, as luck would have it, the princess wasn’t turning down a reasonable person.

Instead of having to give a tear-stricken but understand suitor a hug and a few more comforting words, she got a snort and a dismissive wave from Anny.

“Princess, you’re an immortal and powerful being that probably has about a thousand life-lengthening spells that you can think up right on the spot, so you don’t need to give me that. Even if you don't, why couldn't you at least try?... It looks like someone's in denial... ”

The human smiled brightly down at the now flabbergasted princess before gently patting her on the cheek and looking over at Luna. “Hey, Luna, Cadence was right! I thought she was going to say yes the first time…. Eh, we’ll get her next time!”

Looking back at Celestia, Anny gave her a grin before he turned around and started to make

his way out of the throne room. “Well, see ya in the morning, Celestia! Bye, Luna!”

Luna gave her friend a little wave before she trotted over toward her sister, giving her a warm nuzzle and waiting for her to come to grips with everything that just happened.

“…It’s not what he said,” Celestia finally said. “It’s how he was so nonchalant about it…”

Luna shrugged, throwing her spoons over her shoulder. “He is not wrong, sister,” she said, looking down at her mostly naked body. “Would thou have been seduced if We would have also worn the outfit? Maybe if we wore hats?”

For the first time in a long, long time, Celestia facehoofed. “No, Luna, that wouldn’t have seduced me,” she grumbled, looking at her sister with a hint of anger. “And I can’t believe that you helped bring Anny’s hopes up like that! There’s a reason that I don’t take suitors!”

Luna snorted. “Aye, sister, thou art a lonely nag and thee want to keep it that way.”

The Sergeant had to use all of his guard’s training to keep from snorting in amusement as Celestia squeaked in anger. “But we will wear thee down and our shipping will happen eventually!”

A befuddled Celestia could only watch in amazement as her sister’s mane started to whip around dramatically while the midnight blue alicorn rose up on her hind legs and struck a

dramatic pose.

“Foal! Anny has Twilight, the Princess of Love, and Us on his side! You will be under his spell soon!” Luna roared, her horn glowing and thunder striking off in the distance.

Boom!

With a smoke screen spell that really didn’t work, Luna fled the room, laughing like a mad mare, leaving Celestia and her guard alone in the room.

With another tired sigh and a headache coming on, Celestia turned toward her guard, who calmly raised an eyebrow. “I could arrest them if you want, My Lady,” Gleaming Shield said helpfully, earning a snort from the princess.

“I don’t think that will be necessary, Sergeant,” she said, rising to her hooves and slowly making her way out of the room with the guard in tow. “But if you have any thoughts on this, I’d happily hear them. I honestly don’t know what to think…”

The guard just shrugged. “It just looks like a little crush to me, you highness,” he said calmly.

“If you just ignore it he’ll get the idea and stop.”

The alicorn looked worryingly at him. “But Anny’s such a nice young—”

“Highness, are you seeking a relationship with him?”

“…No.”

“Antaeus is a big colt, he can take getting his feelings hurt once in a while,” Gleaming said dismissively. “Enjoy your time running around with him and ignore his advances—maybe set him up with some nice mare—everything will work out.”

The princess hummed in thought. “I believe I will take your advice, Gleaming Shield,” she said with a bright smile. “But, forgive me if I’m wrong - aren’t you married?”

The stallion nodded. “Yes ma’am, been married to the missus for nearly twenty years.”

“Just for curiosity’s sake, how do you think young Anny will go about this?”

The Sergeant tapped a hoof to his chin in mock thought.; he already knew what he was going to do but the guard had to keep up appearances. “Well, Highness, he’ll probably try to pound you into submission with a lot of lovely-dovey tactics. That’s what I did to the missus.” He shrugged. “Course, he does have the princess of love on his side, so they might do something else entirely.”

Celestia nodded grimly. “So this just might be the calm before the storm then?”

“There’s a good chance that you’re correct, Your Highness.”

Celestia squared her shoulders and set her jaw. “Then I will be ready...”

"...But first you have to go and finish that paperwork."

"*sigh* Yes, but first I have to finish this paperwork..."

Author's Note

You f@#!'s know who you are that mess with sore, worn out people by poking their stomachs.... F!@# you....

Point out errors, comment, etc..., you know the drill.

Step Six: Doing Love Scenes From Movies Doesn't Work...All the Time
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Six: Doing Love Scenes From Movies Doesn't Work...All the Time

“—and remember, Anny, make sure that the station is on three hundred and thirty-seven before you turn it on.”

The human nodded from his hiding place in the bush. Even though the guards were with him they still had to follow orders; keeping people out of the garden grounds was one of those orders…. Even though they were keeping it pretty loose for them.

“And you’re sure that song will be playing when I turn this thing on, right, Princess?” Anny asked Luna, who poked her head out from the adjacent bush and nodded.

“Yes, Anny,” she whispered/yelled. “We made sure to contact the radio station and send in your requested song.”

While this whole thing was Cadence’s idea--along with the song--Anny kept his mouth shut.

He nodded, looking up in the sky to see a large formation of clouds making their way towards where he was. Hopefully Twilight actually knows what she’s doing with those things, he thought, looking around for Shining.

“Shining,” he hissed before ducking his head back into the bush when a random patrol of guards --who, thought they could very clearly see the little group, ignored them with a shake of their heads--passed by. “Shining, where are you?!”

Cadence poked her head out from a tree to look down at the human. “Anny, I think Shiny’s over there,” she said, pointing at the tree right next to her. “I bought him this adorable little tree outfit the other day so he could be camouflaged like the rest of us.”

Anny whistled. “That’s actually a really good tree outfit…” he commented, almost falling out of the bush as he leaned forward to get a better look at the seemingly ordinary tree. “I really can’t—”

“Well, I’m here.”

Anny froze, slowly turning to see the possible owner of the voice that just chirped in his ear, and snorting back a laugh when he saw who it was.

“*Snort* hello, Shining, *giggle* it looks like you really dressed up for the occasion…”

Shining Armor rolled his eyes, adjusting the flimsy tree-shaped costume on his back. “Before you start, I know it looks dumb, so shut it and let’s get this started…”

Luna poked her head out of her bush and looked at the sun. “We still have a few minutes,

Young Anny; we believe that the sun needs to be a smidgen lower before sister decides to lower it.”

Anny nodded, looking back down at possibly Twilight’s greatest invention: the portable radio.

While not really all that special to the human, this was actually a major milestone for the ponies—the little fellas didn’t even have proper television.

Other than the thing taking an alicorn’s magic to keep powered, it still weighed over a hundred pounds, and it looked like it would blow up if you looked at it funny, it was entirely possible that Twilight could walk away with another scientific award.

…As long as the thing turned on.

And didn’t shock him… or explode.

“Alright,” Anny said, switching on various buttons and making sure that Cadence was keeping the thing on. “The guards should be distracted, right?”

Shining nodded, his paper mache leaves swaying in the wind. “Yep.”

“And Twilight’s ready with the clouds?”

Luna poked a hoof out of her bush and waved it around, a little purple hoof answering her from a cloud. “We believe so.”

The human then looked pleadingly up at Cadence, who was starting to sweat from the strain of powering the machine. “And, Princess, you’re going to keep that thing from blowing up on me, right?”

The princess of love shook her head rapidly, wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead. “Of

course, Anny,” she said with a grunt. “But could we least hurry this up? This thing uses a lot of magic.”

“Luna?”

The princess of the night poked her head out of the bush, nodding at him. “Antaeus, thou may begin.”

Gulping nervously, Anny looked both ways to see if anyone was coming through the gardens. Seeing none, he lifted the big radio up in the air and carried it to the pre-ordained position, and, with a grunt, he lifted the heavy thing over his head after turning it on…

Celestia sighed as she slowly made her way to her bedroom, trying not to drag her hooves from sheer exhaustion. A long exercise route, an almost painfully dull meeting with the nobility, and her inability to drink anything sugary or sweet for either of those things left the usually chipper alicorn exhausted.

I can’t wait until I can just lie down and read that book that Anny—she stopped, rolling her eyes when she realized that she was thinking about that silly man.

…At least he’s not trying to woo me with chocolate and flowers, she thought in mild amusement and dread-filled resignation.

It was true; since Cadence was the princess of love, she knew that such boring things wouldn’t even phase the princess of the sun, so they had decided to think... outside the box.

“At least he didn’t seriously hurt himself when he was fired out of that cannon,” she muttered to herself, using a simple spell to open her door and slugging through it. “It was funnier than it should have been, but he really didn’t need to do that…”

It didn’t help when Celestia had confronted her fellow alicorns on the subject. To her distress, Celestia had discovered that not everything was Cadence’s idea—though, she counted her blessings when she found out that Luna hadn’t put in her two cents on anything yet—and that Anny was proposing some of the more silly of his wooing tactics.

While the books were appreciated—she loved to read after all—last week’s fifty stallion dance romp was a little overboard. It was also odd that the human knew a pony that had trained circus tigers, and she couldn’t even begin to guess how he knew all of the Wonderbolts well enough to get them to do a flyby for her.

But, she just supposed that it was Anny’s friendliness and her subjects misguided thinking about her dating situation, so at least it was sweet that so many ponies cared about her, if nothing else.

But even with all of this silliness, she couldn’t find it in her heart to really tell the young man off; the way his eyes lit up hopefully after every one of his attempts and the slight disappointment whenever she just smiled and politely told him “No thank you”, almost broke her heart and at the same time she couldn’t keep the smile off her face.

“Well, he hasn’t done anything for the last few days,” she said, levitating her regalia off her body. “Maybe he’s finally given up?...”

She looked up at the clock, seeing that it was about time to lower her sun. A princess’s’ job is never done I suppose, she thought with a sigh while she walked over and opened her balcony door to see something that made her sigh.

There, in a opened-button shirt with some giant contraption raised over his head, was Anny.

“Ready, Anny?”

Celestia looked up to see Twilight manipulating a couple of clouds.

The human weakly nodded. “Yeah, Twilight! This thing should be warmed up in a second or two!” He looked up at her and grinned. “Hiya, Princess!”

Twilight started kicking the clouds gently, the things turning grey as, to Celestia’s surprise, the thing above Anny’s head started to speak.

“Alrighty folks, this is Fan for Fan a Bam in the afternoon.” The machine spouted fan and exploding sounds. “We have a special song for somepony’s special someone!”

Celestia sighed, sitting on her rump. She could already tell that this was going to be a long one.

“Here is ‘Don’t stop the rain’ by the Mareniacs!”

Anny’s eyes widened and he looked over at Cadence’s tree. “Cadence,” he hissed. “This isn’t the right song!”

“Yes it is,” the tree said, Cadence wanting to keep hidden from her aunt. “You asked for this one; besides, this is a really good love song.”

Both Luna, who was still hiding in her bush, and Shining, who was trying his hardest to be a tree -- really, he was—facehoofed.

“I got dressed up like a tree for nothing?” Shining muttered to himself, flinching when Celestia gave him a disapproving look.

Luna once again poked her head out from her bush. “It matters not, Antaeus, this is the song thou have.” She poked her hoof out from the bush and raised it. “Begin the wooing!”

Celestia watched the now unsure looking human try to collect himself as the horrible, horrible song started.

“~Baby, don’t calllll me vain—~“

“Alright,” she heard Antaeus say. “You can do this, YOU CAN DO THIS!”

Despite herself, she smiled, watching as Twilight finally brought the clouds to their breaking point where they could no longer hold their storages of water, so with a kick she brought a rainstorm down on the human.

“~But you remind me of the rainnnnn—~“

Hitting his knees, Anny yelled, “PRINCESS! I LOVE YOU; PLEASE GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME!!!”

Shining, who had all but given up on trying to be a tree, trotted over to where his wife was hiding and muttered up to her, “And how was this going to do anything?”

“~Whenever you leave, you make me cry!—“

Cadence poked her head out to looked down at her husband, her eyes lit up in excitement.

“What do you mean, Shiny? He’s standing out in the middle of the rain, playing music while he’s yelling his love to Aunty!”

She blinked, tears coming to her eyes. “This is beautiful…”

“~Please watch your thunder, cause I don’t want to fryyyyyy!~”

Alright, Twilight, Twilight thought as she hovered in the air, keeping a watchful eye on the group of clouds as the music played. The rainfall should be the ideal amount for proper romantic situations…

She hummed thoughtfully, not noticing that one of the clouds was starting to turn a little darker than the others. “I wonder why Anny used this song? I thought he wanted to use the other one that we talked about…”

More and more of the clouds started to turn an ominous shade of black, while Twilight turned her back on them to look down at the scene before her. “Huh, the princess doesn’t look too enthralled with this… Maybe I should make it rain a little harder?”

After thinking it over for a few seconds, the little purple mare gently flew down onto one of the black clouds, frowning when she saw how dark they were becoming.

“These aren’t supposed to be this dark,” she muttered before panicking slightly. “Oh, I hope I didn’t mess anything up!!”

And in her panic, Twilight Sparkle did what she always did when she panicked: trotted in place.

Which, as almost every Pegasus is taught as soon as they could fly, is not a smart thing to do when one was on top of thunder clouds.

Honestly, at the very least, Anny really has a set of lungs, Celestia thought as the human continued to scream nice—and admittedly welcoming—things at her.

Though he really shouldn’t be doing this in the rain like that… Oh, I hope he doesn’t catch a cold… The alicorn started to rise.

“I should at least get him out of that and dried off,” she said to herself while silently wondering why none of her guard had spotted Anny and his friends yet. “And it might be a good idea to ask him where he got that contraption of his and—”

BOOM!!!

The clouds overhead, finally supercharged to bursting, shot a single bolt of lightning, the deadly stream of electricity attracted to the only metal thing near it, namely Anny’s portable radio.

Faster than Celestia could see, the lightning hit its mark with an even louder boom, Anny hitting the dirt with a yelp while the machine all but exploded above his head.

“OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOOOO!” the human cried as he rolled around, Cadence,

Shining, and Luna rushing to his side as Celestia gasped.

ANNY!! She thought, her massive wings spreading as she charged off her balcony while her horn glowed with a spell and destroyed the pack of clouds.

“MOVE!” she snapped in the Royal Canterlot voice, her family scrambling out of the way as she landed right next to the slightly twitching Anny.

Almost without thinking, she leaned down and started looking him over as a healing spell surged over Anny’s body.

“Anny, Anny, can you hear me?” she said slowly, nuzzling him.

“The seven’s on Tuesday, Uncle Bobby,” the human—who was now sporting a brand new afro-- mumbled before twitching again.

The white alicorn patted his cheek with a hoof while Luna, Shining, Cadence, and Twilight crowded around him.

“I’ll go get him some help!” Twilight yelled, launching through the air.

“Get Doctor Stitch, Twilight!” Celestia yelled, casting an angry glare at Shining, Luna, and Cadence, each of them looking shamefully away from her.

“Do you see what happens when you three play around like foals?” she snapped, angrier than she had been in a long, long time. “You three should know better than to—”

She stopped when Anny coughed and slowly opened his eyes. “I got hit by lightning, didn’t I?” he asked, yelping when a relieved Celestia wrapped him in a hug.

“Antaeus, don’t you dare scare me like that again, do you hear me?” she said, wrapping her wings around him. “Do you feel okay enough to let me pick you up? We really need to get you to the hospital.”

Anny blinked, patting her on the back. “Yeah, Celestia, I think, I’m alright,” He twitched hard, his body stiffening for a second before returning to normal. “… Actually, how about we get going?”

Ten minutes later…

Doctor Stitch listened carefully with her stethoscope, trailing the cold piece of metal along Anny’s back while Celestia looked on.

“Breathe deeply,” she muttered, her eyes closed in concentration. “And out…. In again…”

Anny sighed, clenching and unclenching his burnt fingers as he looked over at the still angry princess in shame.

Oh, now I ruined it, he thought, wincing when the doctor moved the metal to his chest.

Look at how mad she is…

The doctor hummed before backing away from him, wrapping the stethoscope around her neck. “Alright, it looks like you’re fine, other than a few burns that is.”

The human and alicorn blinked in confusion while the doctor grabbed a clipboard and started to write something down on it.

“Excuse me,” Anny said. “But are you sure?”

The doctor nodded. “Yep, you’re a lucky one. You must have touched wood instead of metal when that machine of yours got hit… Or somepony upstairs loves you.”

Celestia snorted, glaring at Anny. “Yes, he WAS lucky…”

“And what about the twitching?” Anny asked before twitching, Celestia using a wing to keep him from falling over.

The doctor shrugged. “We’ll run a few more tests, maybe have you stay here for a day or two for observation. But, honestly, I think that it’ll go away on its own.”

Anny nodded, pulling on his shirt as the doctor left the room, leaving him with an angry princess. Oh, here it comes…

He was expecting the ridiculing silence, but what he got was a rather sad look from the mare, which was what hurt him a lot more.

“I’m disappointed in you, Anny,” Celestia said after a minute of silence, getting out of her chair.

Anny sighed. “Me, too, the plan didn’t work again… and I got hit by lightning…”

Despite herself, the alicorn smiled as she made her way toward him. “And will this finally make you cease in your silly quest?”

She almost stepped back when she saw the fire in his eye.

“Not until I get you!” Anny said, rising to his feet and looking in the princess’s eyes.

She sighed, leaning up and wrapping her friend in a hug. “You won’t get me, Anny,” she whispered. “I’m not a pony that can have a special someone.”

Anny’s grip tightened around her. “And that’s what I’m trying to change, Princess.”

The two held the hug for a little longer until Celestia broke it, smiling sadly up at him before nudging him with a wing. “Come on, Anny, let’s get you into a hospital bed. You just sit there and rest while I go look for a wheelchair for you to use.”

Anny tiredly nodded, sitting back down as Celestia opened the hospital door to see her sister and Cadence. The alicorn bit back a pang of anger.

No, Celestia, she thought to herself. They’re fully grown fillies and they know what they did wrong; there’s no need to yell at them.

Luna looked up at her sister in concern. “Sister, pray tell, is Antaeus okay?”

Cadence tried to look past her and into the room. “Oh, Aunty, we’re so—”

Celestia raised a hoof. “It wasn’t me that you hurt, Cadence, the one that should be apologizing to is in that room there.”

The white alicorn couldn’t help but feel a teeny bit of satisfaction when the two flinched.

“May we see him?” Luna asked, her ears pinned to her head.

Celestia nodded. “He is in there, resting, so please don’t do anything to excite him while I go look for somepony to get him a wheelchair.”

The two alicorns nodded before rushing past her, Cadence gasping when she saw Anny slumping in his chair with an exhausted look on his face.

Rushing to his side she wrapped him in a hug, nuzzling his cheek. “Oh, Anny! We were so worried!”

The tired man smiled while he patted her on the back. “I’m fine, I’m fine,” he told her, looking around the room. “I’m just a little tired… Where’s Twilight?”

Luna frowned. “Young Twilight retreated to her mother’s house and has refused to come out of her room. Shining Armor is trying to calm her down.”

Anny frowned, feeling horrible. “If you see her, could you tell her that I’m okay and that I want to see her?”

The two nodded as Celestia entered with a wheelchair and a pair of guards. “Alright, Anny, can you get up or do I have to help you into it?”

Before he could reply, Anny was lifted into the chair with a simple spell, Celestia making sure that he was properly in the chair before turning him around and pushing him through the halls.

“What are the guards for, Celestia?” Anny asked as he looked at the two burly stallions.

The alicorn grunted, turning the corner. “They’re here to insure that there’s no funny business with you.”

“So… They’re my guards?”

“If you want to believe that, then yes.”

Anny nodded, letting the alicorn push him through the halls and into a room.

“Come on, let’s get you into one of these beds,” Celestia said, gently levitating him into an empty bed and tucking him in.

Leaning in to give her friend one last nuzzle, she whispered, “Now you stay here and get better. I’ll be very upset if my running buddy isn’t there helping me keep pace in a few weeks.”

Anny chuckled, patting her snout gently. “Alright, Princess, I’ll be good.” His grin grew when she gave him a look. “And I promise to keep away from anything too dangerous next time I ask you out.”

I guess I’ll have to take that, the alicorn thought before turning toward her guards. “Please make sure that Antaeus stays in bed until he is properly healed.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” they said in unison, saluting her before trotting over to Anny’s side.

The human and guards watched as the princess said her goodbyes and left the room before one of the guards turned toward Anny. “You were hit by lightning?” he said in interest.

Anny nodded, debating whether or not to push the emergency button just to see what happened.

“Yep.”

The two guards looked at each other before, quietly, both of their hooves went up into the air, presented to the injured man. With a little smile, Anny accepted the hoofbumps before the three quietly sat/laid there, each of them ready for a long, painfully boring night.

Hours later…

“Will that be all, Highness?” A guard asked the princess, who nodded.

“Yes, that will be all,” she said. “I believe that I will turn in early; you may return to the barracks.”

The alicorn watched the guard nod and leave her chambers before slowly making her way toward her balcony.

“I never thought I’d be rid of them,” she muttered, looking over her kingdom for a moment before spreading her wings and taking off, making sure not to draw anypony’s attention.

After a quick spell to evade her guards, a group of children running around, and a gaggle of nobles, she finally landed in the city-proper, looking around shiftly before making her way through her city.

Alright, hopefully she’ll be able to help me, Celestia thought, eyeing the streets wearily as she trotted down back alleys. While such a thing was very unbecoming of a princess, she had to do what needed to be done, hench the sneakiness.

Today was the wake-up call that she needed. Today she learned that Anny wasn’t going to give this up without one heck of a fight. While this wasn’t a problem in itself, all of the other players in this game were making it very difficult for her to just tell him, really tell him, no.

So, like any good player, she needed an ace in the hole, though she was surprised that she needed to bring out this particular mare.

Am I going a little overboard with this? She thought, stopping in her tracks. Anny simply wants to take me out on a date… Maybe if I just let him take me—she stopped that thought with a shake of her head.

No no, none of that Celestia, she thought to herself angrily. You can’t… You have too many responsibilities to play the blushing mare. You have to do this, for the good of the kingdom. With a nod she started down the path again.

After what seemed like hours, the princess made it to the back of an unidentifiable inn and calmly went through the back door and into the small kitchen there.

After nodding to a few of the cooks, who motioned for her to go into the other room, she turned the corner to see the inn’s owner, Cheap Skate.

“Hello, Princess,” the stallion said before bowing. “And how are you on this fine day?”

The alicorn sighed, her gaze wandering—looking for any unfriendly eyes. “It has been very eventful, my little pony,” she admitted. “I trust that my very special guests are already here?”

Cheap nodded. “Yes, Princess; they’re a little confused as to why you had the meeting pushed today. Though, if you don’t mind me saying….”

The princess cleared her throat. “That, my little pony, is between me and them, now.” She magicked a rather sizeable bag of bits and hoofed them over. “Here is your payment. Remember—”

“You were never here, Highness,” the stallion said, weighing the bits in his hooves, trying not to lick his lips. “And I will make sure that you aren’t disturbed.”

“Second door to the left like always?”

“As always, Princess.”

With one last nod, Celestia slowly made her way up the rickety wooden stairs, trying not to feel a sense of foreboding as the hallway’s lights flickered.

Alright, Celestia, let’s get this over with so you don’t have to dance on eggshells with them.

Taking a deep breathe, she made her way down the halls until she reached room number thirteen. Humming, she muttered, “Now, what was the code again? Three taps if I remember

correctly….”

Tap, Tap, Tap

“Come in,” a distinctly Prench accent said through the door after a few seconds, Celestia steeling herself before opening the door to darkness.

“Did you come alone?” another voice demanded as the alicorn stepped into the dark room and closed the door. “There was nopony that followed you?”

“No,” Celestia assured, trying not to roll her eyes at the mare’s silly theatrics. “I made sure to come alone and that I wasn’t followed.”

“She didn’t use a password, Fleur, that might not be Aunty!”

“...That’s her….”

“But it might not be, it could be one of Aunt Luna’s tricks!”

She listened carefully before sighing. “Fleur, Blueblood, could you please turn on a light? This isn’t a spy movie.”

One of the ponies in the room giggled before flipping the lights on, revealing supermodel extraordinaire, Fleur de lis—who was trotting in place excitedly-- and Blueblood, who was right next to the door with a lampshade in his hooves like he was going bash her over the head with the thing.

One little look from her and a sheepish grin from the prince later, and the three were settled.

“Are you sure, Votre Altesse?” the unicorn teased, walking over and bowing to her ruler. “You made it seem like one, no?”

Celestia smiled, leaning down to nuzzle her. “There’s no need for that, my little pony,” she said. “You’re here for something important after all.”

Not wanting her nephew to be left out she also gave him a nuzzle, the prince returning it with a little smile.

Fleur nodded, walking around the room. “Yes, your letter and Blueblood said as much,” the mare chortled. “You have a lover boy and you wish me to snatch him up, yes?”

The alicorn couldn’t help but cringe at that. “I wouldn’t put it like that,” she defended, looking away from the mare. “Anny’s just a little confused right now and I believe that you two would go well together.”

Fleur raised an eyebrow. “That is what you said of Fancy,” she said, trying not to smile as Celestia flinched.

Blueblood cleared his throat. “Actually, that was more my fault than Aunty’s, Fleur,” he said, running a hoof through his mane. “If I’d known he was…”

The mare shrugged dismissively. “Not that I am upset with him-- there is no shame in a stallion loving another stallion-- but now you wish to set me up with a Singe chose?”

“Not a monkey,” Celestia corrected. “A human, and yes, if you wish we can start as soon as possible.”

Fleur walked cat-like around the alicorn, a slightly confused-yet-amused look on her face.

“Why do you not just humor the colt, Princess? Everypony needs someone to snuggle up with at night.”

Blueblood nodded, sitting on his rump. “I have to agree with her, Aunty, surely one date wouldn’t hurt you.”

The Princess sighed. “Please, Fleur, jus—”

The unicorn raised a hoof, giving the princess a big smile. “Don’t worry, Princess, I will see this

human and make up my mind, until then you will have to deal with him.”

For the first time that day, Celestia smiled, nodding at the mare. “That is all I ask.”

Blueblood and Fleur watched as the alicorn’s horn glowed for a second, the princess laying what looked to be workout gear at their hooves.

“There you two go.”

Blueblood paled. “But Aunty…”

Fleur nudged the stallion, a sly smile on her face. “Aw, is the bébé afraid of a little sweat?”

The stallion stiffened, glaring at his friend. “It’s not that!” he snapped . “I’m…. just not… the athletic type…”

Celestia smiled, walking over and patting him on the shoulder. “ Too bad, Blueblood,” she said as kindly as possible while the stallion groaned and Fleur giggled. “You’re in this with the two of us, so you’re going to sweat with us!”

Author's Note

A chapter in which this story starts to weave in nonsense only understood by madmen or madder men. I didn't know if I wanted to put Fleur or Blueblood in this fic at first, but since I've actually made people like some VERY unlikeable characters (*cough* Flash Sentry *cough*) likeable in my stories, I thought I'd try it out here.

Oh, and how about we imagine that Fleur and Fancy aren't married, or whatever they are in the show, mkay?

Comment, etc, etc, you know the drill.

Step Seven: Remember, Things WILL Happen Behind the Scenes
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Seven: Remember, Things WILL Happen Behind the Scenes

Twilight Sparkle sniffled sadly, curling under her covers as she closed her eyes. For the last few days, the little bookworm had been down in the dumps, refusing to come out despite pleas from her family members.

She needed to eat more, they said; she needed to take a shower, they said. She wiped a tear from her soaked cheek. What did they know? Did they almost kill their friend because they weren’t paying attention?

No they did not.

“Twilight, Honey...”

Twilight sighed, not bothering to poke her head out from her little cocoon; her mother just wouldn’t give up it seemed. “I have somepony that wants to see you,” she said through the door, sounding like she was trying hard not to cry.

Go away, she thought, nuzzling her pillow. And let me—

“Twilight, could you open the door please?”

The bookworm’s ears perked up; she knew that voice!

“A-anny?” she rasped, her voice scratchy from disuse.

Anny fiddled with the door. “Yeah, it’s me, Twilight. Can I come in?”

Throwing the covers off her body and sitting up, she said, “Y-Yeah, just let me open the door.”

He hates me, she thought in defeat, her horn glowing, unlocking the door. He’s just going to come in here and tell me that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore…

She winced as light poured through the dark room, Anny’s head poking through the door.

“Hey there,” Anny said, frowning when she saw how poor of a state his friend was in. Her mane was unwashed, her fur was in disarray, and her eyes were red from crying.

Silently, he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, Twilight joining him, the two silent as the human wrapped an arm around the sniffling mare.

“I’m sorry, Anny,” Twilight whispered. “I’m so, so, sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you an—”

Anny tightened his grip on the little alicorn, picking her up and setting her in his lap. “I’m fine, you silly little pony,” he said lightly, bopping her nose.

She winced, trying not to smile, trying to keep herself down. “But you were sent to the hospital…”

“The Princess made me stay there. I was ready to go as soon as the Doc was done with me; being there those three days was WAY worse than getting hit by the lightning.” He patted her back, letting her lean into him. “So stop beating yourself up, alright? Your mom and dad are getting worried.”

“…And, to be honest, you kinda smell.”

Laughing felt a lot better than it should have as Twilight nuzzled her friend, letting him pick her up and carry her out of the room.

“Thanks, Anny.” She nuzzled his cheek. “This is a weight off my shoulders.”

The human adjusted the little pony in his grasp before patting her on the back. “Hey, there’s bound to be a few casualties in war, right? Me getting hit by a little bit of silly lightning is nothing if the princess finally lets me go out on a date with her.”

Twilight snorted, realizing how hungry she was. “Well, when I look for my coltfriend, I hope I’m half as determined as you.”

Anny smiled. “Well, as long as you’re not trying to get with a male alicorn, I don’t think you’ll have to go to these lengths.”

Twilight stiffened, but didn’t say a thing as a few of the more smutty books she’d read drifted through her thoughts. “Y-yeah,” she sputtered, imagining a big, lean, black-and red alicorn looking down at her with a sly smile and a bouquet of roses in his mouth.

“No alicorns, haha….”

…

Fleur strode through the streets of Canterlot with all of the grace and charm of one in her position, a gym bag slung over her shoulder.

I hope Blueblood graces us with an appearance today, the mare thought with a smile. I remember somepony saying that they would be sure to wake him in time to see this ‘human’, but you never know with him..

If she was being honest with herself, she was curious about this odd creature that was trying so hard to win the affection of the solar princess.

The man had already gone through such great lengths to try to win her over, and some of the attempts were starting to become the talk of the town, so much so that anypony that knew anything about the little bout could go far with the gossip.

And Fleur always loved to hear gossip, especially if it involved royalty.

After turning a few corners and signing a few autographs—a mare needed to be there for her

fans after all—Fleur finally made her way into a generic looking gym, a small place that you wouldn’t notice unless you knew where to look.

Fleur also happened to know that this place was famous for two things. One, for the seriousness of their yoga instructors. And two, that Celestia had gone to this particular gym for over fifty years—sometimes in disguise, sometimes not—to stay in shape.

Trotting through the doors, she smiled at a rather amusing sight: Princess Celestia, decked out in workout gear, standing beside an exhausted looking Blueblood, who also was decked out in a headband and ankle bracelets, looking like he was about to fall asleep.

“Bonjour vos Majestés, ” she said with a little bow, looking around the mostly empty gym.

Celestia smiled, rolling her eyes at the mare’s antics. “You know there’s no need for that, Fleur,” she chastised.

The supermodel flashed her a cheeky grin before looking over at Blueblood. “Oh, is the baby tired?”

The stallion groaned, rubbing an eye with a hoof. “I don’t see why we need to wake up this early to-” he shuddered, “-work out.”

Celestia smiled while Fleur nudged him. “Because, nephew, unlike somepony who can work any hour that he pleases, I have things to do in a few hours, so this is the perfect time to do this.”

The Prince grunted, trying to ignore Fleur as she teased him in Prench. “Fleur, remember you need to keep your wits about you when this, ‘Anny’ finally decides to grace us with his presence. I’ve heard that he’s a tricky one.”

The mare’s smile just grew, tittering as she brushed a lock of her mane out of her face. “Oh, yes, I’ve also heard of this young man’s tenacity.” Celestia couldn’t help but flinch when Fleur looked over at her. “Are some of the rumors true, Majesté ? “

“I don’t know which ones you’re referring to, Fleur, Honey…”

“Oh, really~? What ab—”

“Go get dressed,” Celestia interrupted, resisting the urge to face hoof. “For Faust’s sake, go get dressed.”

The unicorn just laughed, sauntering toward the mare’s restroom, leaving Celestia with a tired Blueblood.

“I swear, her mother must have had a hooful with—”

“Hey, Princess!”

…And the game begins, Celestia thought as she turned toward the gym’s entrance to see Anny, all dressed up in his finest workout gear, walking toward her. I hope Fleur decides to take this seriously…

Giving her friend a smile, she said, “Oh, hello, Anny. How has your morning been going?”

The human grimaced, blinking in confusion when he finally noticed Blueblood—who was dozing behind the princess.

“Celestia… who’s this?”

The alicorn roughly nudged her nephew awake before looking apologetically back at him.

“What, who?!” the prince grumbled, his eyes widened in panic as he looked around, noticing that his aunt and Anny were looking at him.

Trying to save a little face, the prince bowed. “A pleasure to meet you, Anny.” He extended a hoof, which the confused man took.

“Um, hello, nice to meet you…. Mr…”

“This is my nephew, Anny,” Celestia said, “Prince Blueblood!”

Anny nodded with a small smile. “Oh, I knew you looked familiar!” he said brightly. “So, Mr.

Prince, if it’s alright to ask: what are you doing here with the Princess?”

Before the tired prince could say anything, Celestia cut him off. “I hope you don’t mind, Anny.”

She gave him a little smile. “Blueblood here thought he needed to lose a few pounds because he thought his vests' weren’t fitting right—”

“I fit my vests fine, thank you very much,” the Prince grumbled.

“—So he asked me if it was okay if he joined us,” the alicorn gave her friend her biggest, fakest smile, hoping that he’d buy it.

Anny hummed before shrugging. “The more the merrier! But you might not want to let him use the same instructor as us, Princess… We’re still going over to the intermediate stallion today, right?”

“I’m sure that we will be fine,” a voice said teasingly behind the human. “We may not be as accustomed to this as you and the princess, jeune homme, but I’m sure we will find a way to make do.”

Celestia couldn’t help but grin as Fleur sashayed toward their little group, a saucy little smile on her face as she looked Anny up and down. “My, my you are a big one!”

She offered him a hoof. “Fleur de lis, at your service~.”

She’s really turning on that charm, Blueblood thought before stifling a yawn. If she keeps it up, I don’t see how Anatues will withstand her charms!

Anny cocked his head down at the mare before slowly shaking her hoof.. “Hello, Ma’am,” he said quizzically, looking over his shoulder to look at Celestia, who was still trying to come up with an excuse as to why she brought two ponies with her without it sounding suspicious.

Thankfully, Blueblood was there to save her. “Oh, Fleur, Honey!” he said, theatrically striding toward her and wrapping her in a hug while kissing her cheeks.

“I didn’t think you’d come!” He turned to look at Anny. “I asked Ms. Fleur here to join us; she is a dear old workout buddy of mine,” he explained.

Once again, Anny shrugged, risking a glance toward that clock that was hanging on the wall. “Alright, I think we need to hurry up and get upstairs to that one room,” he said, rolling his shoulders with a grimace. “This is really going to be rough.”

…

Blueblood, despite public opinion of him, was actually a lot hardier than he looked. When he was just a young colt he had traveled the whole world with his mother on an expedition that had lasted three years. He had walked through deserts, climbed mountains, and learned more than he wanted to know about blisters, cuts, and bruises.

All of that hardship, all of that learning, was nothing compared to what he was going through as the yoga instructor stood over him, the stallion trying his hardest to turn him into a pretzel.

“Come on, your Highness,” the instructor said. “Just… a…. little… more…”

Snap!

“OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO!” the prince yelled, hitting the ground, hard, with a thud, his leg bent at an awkward angle.

Anny looked down at the stallion and shook his head slowly. “Newbies. They can never hang when things get tough.”

Celestia and Fleur, who were holding their positions with barely a wobble, nodded in agreement.

The prince’s eyes snapped open in irritation, and, with a pained grunt, he sat up and popped his leg back into place, glaring at the three.

“How, in the name of all things holy, are you three doing that?!” he demanded, while the three changed positions, untangling themselves and getting into warrior’s stance before sticking one leg into the air.

“I thought you said you had done this before, peu de bleu?” Fleur teased, though it was ruined slightly by how soaked with sweat she was.

Blueblood snorted, sitting up. “I have done this before, in the country where yoga was invented, thank you very much!”

Anny looked over at Celestia, who looked like she was trying hard not to laugh. “It doesn’t look like it to me…”

“Don’t patronize me!”

“Get good then.”

I’ll ‘get good’, the prince thought before getting back to his hooves and looking back at the instructor. “I need you to help me again,” he admitted. “I don’t know what the reverse, triple dragon even IS, much less how to do it.”

Celestia grunted, looking over at Anny and Fleur—who had elected to stand beside the man—with a slight smirk, the alicorn trying to think of a way to get the ball rolling between the two.

“Anny, you were late today,” she said. “Did something happen?” A pang of worry hit her. “Did you start twitching again?”

Anny snorted, adjusting his footing so his knees wouldn’t explode out of sheer rage for what he was doing to them. “No, I’m fine,” he looked down. “When I got back to the Sparkles’ house I found out that Twilight was a little down in the dumps about what happened the other day. I just had to help her out a little before coming here.”

The princess raised an eyebrow. “Really? I heard that Twilight was a little—”

“She hadn’t come out of her room in days before I got her out.”

Fleur gasped, almost breaking form. “Oh, I hope the dear is alright!”

Pop!

“OWOWOWOWOWOWO!”

“Don’t worry, my Prince, that’ll stop hurting after a few more times.”

“What’s wrong with you ponies?! Are you even equines?!”

Anny nodded solemnly. “Yeah, she’s a tough little pony. As long as she keeps eating and doesn’t do anything for the next couple of days, she’ll be fine.”

Snap!

“Oh sweet Faust’s tea cozies, my legs!”

Fleur looked disapprovingly down a writhing Blueblood before she looked back at Anny curiously.

“Well, I will pray that the poor dear will make a full recovery,” she looked over to see a rather worried-looking Celestia.

“Princess,” she said quietly. “Maybe it would be good for your student if she were to see you, no?”

Anny nodded, liking the unicorn’s idea. “Yeah, I’m sure that Twilight would like to see you, and I know that Velvet would love to have you for dinner.”

The princess looked at the two before smiling slightly. “Thank you for offering, Anny - I believe I will do just that,” she said, while Blueblood was desperately trying to crawl away from an instructor, who simply dragged him back.

“No, no, keep your filthy hooves away from me, you monster!”

“Your Highness, please—”

“NO! This is why I don’t work out!”

Anny, Fleur, and Celestia slowly started to bring their hooves back down to the ground, ready to finish today’s secession, when Fleur had an evil, wonderful, awful idea.

He looks like a sweetheart, she thought, looking over at him with a slight squint. He talks like a sweetheart, but does he really act like a sweetheart?

Determined to find out, she rose to her hind legs, reaching her full, impressive height. With a simple shift of balance she started wobbling around, her front hooves instinctually trying to righten her by wobbling around.

“Oh!” she yelled, dramatically, getting Anny’s attention. “Somepony, help!”

Closing her eyes, the mare slowly, at an almost movie-like speed, started to fall on her side, half bracing for the impact, and half trying to keep herself from laughing.

Oh, now I know why I never became an actress, she mused, as Anny, not noticing Celestia rolling her eyes and facehoofing, bolted toward her. I can’t—Oh!

While she would never call herself a heavy mare—though she knew she weighed a teeny, tiny bit more than most mares because she was so much bigger—she really didn’t expect someone as thin-looking as Anny to be able to snatch her up like a kitten.

The mare opened her eyes to see the human looked down at her with concern, his eyes almost sparkling in the studio’s lighting. Fleur blinked, oddly relishing the contact, and the feeling of Anny’s hands holding her body.

“Are you alright there, Ms. Fleur?” Anny asked while the mare panted shakily, her mane out of place.

“O-Oh, Anny, thank you!” she said as he got her back to her hooves. Patting herself off and making sure that her mane was back in presentable order, she smiled brightly up at him. “You really are chevalier en armure étincelante.”

Well, at least he has very strong hands~. I just might pursue this one after all…

“Are you sure you’re alright, Ms. Fleur?” Anny repeated, shaking the mare out of her thoughts. “You look a little flustered…”

Laughing quietly, she nudged him playfully. “I am fine, and thank you, my clumsiness almost turned this fine day into a rather painful one.”

Celestia snorted, trotting over toward the two. “Are you sure you’re alright, my little pony?”

The supermodel’s face scrunched up like she knew it would.

“I’m sure there’s somepony that’ll help you—”

“HELP HER?!!” Blueblood snapped, limping away from the group of yoga ponies that were slowly making their way towards him. “HELP ME!” With a spell he summoned a chair, waving it around hysterically, trying to keep the ponies away.

“Back, you spawns of Tartarus, back!”

“One of us, one of us,” the group chanted, forcing the stallion toward the window.

Blueblood looked around first in terror, then in grim acceptance. “You’ll never take me alive!” he roared, tossing the chair at the crowd before sprinting toward the window.

Crash!

Anny and Celestia looked at the broken window in boredom. “Well, it looks like we’re done,” the Princess said, looking over at the human. “Since, Fleur looks hurt,” she couldn’t help but stress the word, despite herself. “I’ll go get her things. Be a dear and make sure she doesn’t move around, will you?”

Before the unicorn could protest, Anny nodded, looking back toward her. “Alright, Princess, I’ll carry Ms. Fleur here; she might’ve sprained something.”

Now, Fleur didn’t know whether to giggle or snort in indignation, trying to shuffle away from the man. “Monsieur Anny, there’s no need—”

Ignoring her, Anny picked her up with a grunt and placed her on his back, Fleur letting out a little squeak as he patted her on the rump.

“Don’t worry, Ma’am,” he said while Celestia walked out of the mare’s restroom with her bag.

“The Princess and I only want to make sure that you’re okay. We’ll get you home and iced down and we’ll be on our merry way.”

Celestia nodded, throwing her friend a cheeky smile. “That’s right, my little pony,” she said majestically, much to Fleur’s irritation. “We’re only looking out for your best interests!”

Sticking her tongue out at her Princess, the supermodel gently placed her head on the human’s shoulder. “I take back what I said, Anny, you are a beast, throwing a lady around like she was a common sack of flour.”

Even though she couldn’t see it, Anny grinned hugely. “Thank you, Ma’am.”

Fleur giggled, and Celestia couldn’t help but quietly cheer when she saw the look Fleur was giving Anny as they made their way out of the gym.

“Please, Misère Anny, call me Fleur.”

The three turned their heads when they heard a groan. “…Can’t….feel…hooves….”

Celestia, grumbling, trotted over to where a crybaby Blueblood—who, thankfully, wasn’t hurt by the glass—who was trying to wiggle out of a garbage can.

“Anny, could you—”

“Yeah, yeah, I got him… Even if he looks a little heavy…”

The Prince, trying to look as fearsome as a stallion stuck rump-first in a tin can, was able to, glared at the human and alicorn.

“I… dislike you two….very much…”

@#$~~$#@

Cadence, who had been watching everything from the safety of a tree with a pair of binoculars, narrowed her eyes as Anny chatted happily with a dreamy-eyed Fleur inside her estate.

“What are you trying to do, Celestia?” she muttered to herself.

With a spell, she levitated a little notebook toward an awaiting hoof, along with a pencil.

Subject seems to be resisting harder than originally predicted, she wrote.

Like the common cold, she seems to be adapting. As of today she is trying to pawn Antaeus off on supermodel and longtime friend, Fleur de lis. Whether or not Fleur knows of this is questionable, but if so then there’s more players to this game than I am comfortable with.

Maybe I should just hound Aunty until she goes out on a date with him?...

Cadence hummed, shaking her head before scratching that part out.

No no, other than what I’ve been doing, I’ll keep out of it… Love should happen naturally after all...

Need to see what is going on with Blueblood and Fleur; maybe I can convince them to stop this, or better yet, get them to help us.

The pink alicorn couldn’t help but squeal at the thought, her feathers ruffling in excitement.

This was why she had become a C.U.P.I.D. The long, sleepless nights, the worrying about if what she was doing was right or not, all of that was nothing when she saw what was happening in front of her.

This was why she got her cutie mark: to help ponies find happiness, and this was going to be her masterpiece… Even if she had to break a few eggs to make an om—

Her eyes twinkled as she looked at the Supermodel and Blueblood. “…Or I could just make something else with them… Broken eggs can be scrambled...”

“Candy… Cadence!”

The princess looked down at her husband, who was looking up at her with a tired expression.

Blinking in mild irritation, she said, “Yes, Shining?”

The stallion sighed, sitting on his rump and rubbing his temples. “Could you please get down from there?”

“I can’t, Shiny. I’m in the middle of a stakeout.”

“…Alright, could you at least do it in a different tree?You are in the middle of a restaurant.”

Cadence looked around, and, seeing all the ponies, shrugged. “No can do, Shiny, I have to—”

She was interrupted by a stallion walking up to them and clearing his throat.

“Excuse me,” he said calmly. “This is private property and I’m going to have to ask you to leave; you’re starting to scare ponies.”

Cadence waved her binoculars in his face. “But a—”

“I will call the guard.”

“B-But, I’m a Princess!”

With all of the flourish she could muster, she pointed at Shining. “Shining, this stallion threatened me! Defend my honor please.”

“But, Honey, the stallion’s just trying to do his job!”

The stallion-- the owner of the restaurant-- sighed, turning away from the two. “Alright, I guess I’m calling the guard then,” he said calmly, Shining’s eyes widening.

“Wait!” he called, trotting after the owner. “There’s no need for that!”

Cadence ignored all of that nonsense to glare at a starry-eyed Fleur, who was waving as Celestia and Blueblood left with Anny.

“I need to tell Luna what’s going on,” she muttered, tail swishing in irritation. “She’s going to want to know what’s happening…”

…

“Bye Fleur!” Anny cheerfully called, waving over his shoulder at the smiling mare. “Remember to keep off that hoof!”

Celestia couldn’t help to grin as she trotted down the streets with her friend, the human walking closely beside her.

“You really are a gentlecolt, Anny,” the Princess said, nudging him as Blueblood grumbled, “carrying a mare all the way back to her house.” She winked at Blueblood discreetly. “I hope that this doesn’t become a habit.”

Anny waved her away, looking back at the prince. “It’s really no big deal, you guys really aren’t that heavy… Blueblood, are you sure that you don’t need to be carried?”

Blueblood couldn’t help but smile slightly. “No, thank you, but I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? I had to get carried back home the first time I did this, there’s no shame in it.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “He’s fine, Anny, there’s no need to baby my nephew.”

That got the Prince back to grumbling as the three made their way toward the Sparkle house.

I’m not being a baby, the Prince thought, looking between the human and alicorn with rising interest.

The longer the two walked with each other, the more they moved toward each other, until soon they were almost touching. While this wasn’t odd for Anny to do, Blueblood was starting to notice that the Princess was doing it, almost with a smile.

That left a little seed of worry in the Prince, with each little joke the two threw at each other, the more he was starting to believe that his Aunt was full of horseapples.

I’ve never seen Aunty act this way around anypony…

Like almost everyone in the royal family, the Prince knew that his Aunt was a pretty lonely pony, more familiar with ruling her little ponies than becoming being friendly with them. So, when there was someone standing right in front of him that broke through his Aunt’s walls and brought out the real Celestia, it made him naturally conflicted.

Why doesn’t she want to be happy? He thought quietly, letting himself be led through the streets. Anypony with eyes can see it, why not her?...

Maybe Cadence and Luna were right, maybe he should just tell Fleur to back off and—

“Blueblood, Honey!” Blueblood was violently wrenched out of his thoughts by a pair of hooves squishing his cheeks together, hard.

Velvet looked down at the now horrified Blueblood with barely restrained glee. “How are you? Oooohhh, you’re so big now! Why haven’t you come and seen your Step-Aunt? Huh, huh?”

The prince tried to bravely retreat from the hugging, the questions, and the offers of food and kisses and lovey-doveyness, but Velvet ‘the Rage-Cage’ Sparkle wasn’t taking no for an answer.

Wrapping the stallion in a bear hug that would’ve broken the backs of all but the burliest and hairiest of bears, she slowly started dragging him into her house and toward her kitchen.

“Oh, Sweetie, you look so skinny! Don’t worry, Momma will fatten you up!”

With one last, desperate effort, Blueblood grabbed the door frame. “No, no! Leave me alone! Somepony, somepony, help me!”

Velvet, that big smile still on her face, grunted in exertion, digging in her heels while Blueblood held on for dear life.

The stallion ignored the amused snickers thrown his way as the doorframe groaned in protest of its mistreatment.

Anny looked over at the prince from his seat at the table. “Come on, Blue.” He patted the seat next to him. “It’s almost lunch. Come and sit down and get something to eat.”

Celestia, who had a wing draped over her tired-yet-happy student, nodded in agreement.

“Come on, Nephew, take your lumps like a stallion; Mrs. Sparkle always loves a full table in her household.”

Creak!

Blueblood closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, sweat pouring off his body.

Creak!

His muscles burned and his breath was ragged, but he held on.

Snap!

“NONONONONO!”

Velvet wrapped the terrified prince in a hug in which he couldn’t get out of, a manic’s smile on her face.

“YESYESYESYES!”

Step Eight: Jealously is Your Best Friend Pt.1
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Eight: Jealously is Your Best Friend Pt.1

Step Eight: Jealously is Your Best Friend Pt.1

There are many, many reasons as to why people will stop what they’re doing--important or otherwise-- to go somewhere and start running.

Some people will run for the benefits: losing weight, keeping in shape, etc… others will run to help clear their mind, take in the sights and sounds that being outside provides, or just to feel and savor that pleasant burning feeling that comes with running too long. All-in-all, these people are out there because they deem this exercise as “fun.”

Fleur, as she gasped for breath, trailing behind Anny and Celestia—Blueblood was “dead” back on the trail with a guard looking after him—couldn’t help but wonder how anypony could think that this was in any way fun, or that it could give you a good feeling, or why there just wasn’t some kind of small machine that could carry her around so she wouldn’t have to ever run again.

Just breathe, just breathe, she thought, trying to blow a bit of mane out of her eyes that was stuck to her face. Run, filly, run. There’s only a little longer to go and then you can go home and take a bubble bath.

She resisted the urge to close her eyes, gritting her teeth and ignoring the horrible burning sensation in all four of her legs. Juste un peu onger, Juste un peu onger !

Thankfully, mercifully, the princess—who was wearing a silly headband and ankle bracelets-- looked back at her. “Alright,” she said, slowing down. “That’s enough.”

Anny nodded, slowing down with the alicorn as Fleur resisted the urge to fall to the ground with a happy groan, panting like a racehorse as she tried to wiggle the pain away.

Why isn’t this getting easier?The supermodel thought to herself, weakly smiling at the two as they made their way toward her. I’ve been doing this for weeks!

That wasn’t the only thing that was wearing the mare down. Though she was trying her hardest—boy was she trying her hardest—Anny almost seemed to be stonewalling her, ignoring her advances and still trying to ask out Celestia.

While not worrying in at of itself, the Princess of the Sun looked like she was starting to wear down, if the way she was starting to look at him was any indication. While the two were getting closer and closer, with Anny spending a lot of his time in the princess’s room, Fleur was becoming more and more worried.

But a Prench mare does not balk in the face of certain defeat. No, she looks it in the eye, turns her head, and spits.

That mere thought brought a little life back into the tired unicorn, forcing her to straighten her mane as Anny grinned at her, the human wiping his face off with his shirt.

“Good job, Fleur, Celestia,” the man said with pride, looking down the trail. “We really went far today.”

He took his shirt off and offered it to the princess, who, with a roll of her eyes, took it. Cleaning the sweat off her face with a decently clean section of the shirt, she said, “Yes, Anny, she did do rather well.”

Fleur tried not to squee as Anny passed by her and mussed up her mane playfully, which, as everyone knows, was tier seven at its finest.

I’ll get you, mon prince; all you and I need to do is have a few hours to ourselves, she thought to herself evilly. All I need to do is get the princess out of the way…

For that bit of the plan to work though, she needed to see if Blueblood was alright.

When the three finally found him on the trail (or on the side of the trail to be more specific) still panting and covered in sweat and a guard standing by his side, Fleur couldn’t help but snort in amusement.

“There, there, your Highness, you’ll be alright… You baby.”

The guard looked up and bowed. “The prince was unable to make it any farther, my Princess.”

Celestia smiled at him before looking down at her nephew. “Blueblood, Honey, are you alright?”

The prince groaned, opening an eye to look at the group. “A-Aunty, is that you?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

He sighed. “Just leave me to die; I can’t go any longer.”

Anny bent down in front of the stallion. “Don’t worry, Blue, we’ll go get ice cream or something? How’s that sound?”

Blueblood looked up at him with a pouty face, Fleur and Celestia rolling their eyes at the display. “Anny… Carry me.”

“Get up,” Fleur said. “pour l'amour de Dieu de, you’re a prince, not a baby!”

She was ignored, Blueblood just wiggling all of his hooves in a childlike fashion, Anny chuckling before picking him up with a grunt and gripping him like a baby.

“He’s trying, Fleur,” he reasoned, patting the prince’ back. “I’ll put him down in a few minutes, then he can walk like everyone else.”

Celestia giggled, leading the group down the trail. “So, Antaeus, do you have any plans for today?”

Fleur frowned, staying quiet while she trailed behind the two and listening intently.

Anny shrugged. “I have to go shopping with Velvet, but other than that I really don—“

Sensing that now was the time to strike, Fleur said, “Anny, might I interject?”

Celestia and Anny looked at her in surprise before the human nodded. “Sure, Fleur, whatcha need?”

The mare smiled, oddly happy at how put-out the Princess looked. “Well, I have a few things that need to be moved around my home, and I’d thought, since you do not have anything to do today, and since the two of us are becoming rather good friends, you could help me.”

She batted her eyes at him. “I’d appreciate it, a big, strong, stallion helping weak little old me.”

Celestia’s huff wasn’t unnoticed, and Fleur loved it, the unicorn looking up at the man as he hummed thoughtfully.

“Sure…” he finally said. “I’ll help you out…”

“I’d be more than happy to pay you.”

Now Anny looked a little uncomfortable. “You really don’t need to do—“

Fleur shook her head. “I will insist, Antaeus, I am a gentlemare after all.”

She was going to say more but reigned herself in. Just stay calm, filly, you don’t want to scare him away. She resisted the urge to rub her hooves together. All I’ll need to do is to set everything up… Today will be the first real step toward winning this stubborn stallions heart!

Anny looked over at Celestia, a mildly disappointed look on his face. “I can come over later, Princess, if you want.”

Celestia’s frown turned upside down as she looked up at her friend. Waving a hoof dismissively. “There is no need, Anny. What you’re going to be doing with Fleur sounds like it will be very time-consuming. You don’t have to come to the castle.”

“If I’m not tired then I’ll come over and we’ll get to do something, alright?”

You won’t even be thinking about your pretty princess, mon prince, Fleur thought, while the guard beside her frowned at her. Soon, I’ll have you wrapped around my hoof…

@~$$~@

Cadence watched impassively from a rooftop as Anny, whistling, slowly made his way through the streets, a little smile on his face.

Alright, she thought, checking to see if her back spandex suit was on properly and her utility belt was still on. Time to go to work.

Shining, who was sitting next to his wife, sighed, resisting the urge to sit down. “Cadence, Honey, you know I love you right?”

The Princess of Love nodded absentmindedly, her tail swishing in annoyance. “Where did I put it?” she muttered.

Discouraged, but not down for the count, Shining continued. “I love you, but you don’t you think that this is a little much? We’re on top of a roof—which isn’t legal, but the way— stalking somepony like a bunch of crazy ponies. We need—“

“There you are!” Cadence interrupted, wrenching a gun-shaped device from her belt and grabbing her husband—who yelped.

“Cadence, what are you—“ Shining began.

“Shush!”

Pointing the batclaw—that she got from Twilight—at the adjacent room top, and firing it, the alicorn said, “Honey, you better hold onto me tight cause this is gonna be a bumpy ride.”

Before he could ask what she meant by that, the prince underwent the unpleasant experience of going from zero to sixty in less than a second, the stallion screaming in terror as Cadence chortled.

“I love my job!” she roared, using a hoof to stop her husband’s screaming, a big smile on her face.

Your plan isn’t going to work, Celestia. In fact, I think that your little plan’s going to REALLY blow up in your face.

@~##~@

“Raindrops keep falling on my head~,” Anny sang, waving at a group of ponies. “I don’t know the rest of the son~—“

“SOMEPONY HELP ME FOR—THMP!”

He stopped, a puzzled expression on his face as he stopped and looked up. “What the heck was that?”

Looking around, he noticed that a bunch of other ponies were also looking around for the disturbance.

Deciding that it wasn’t his problem, and there wasn’t anything that he needed to run from, he just shrugged. “Huh, weird. Well, I should get going, Fleur’s stuff isn’t gonna move itself… And, maybe if we hurry, Celestia and I can go and get something to eat!”

Now with a pip in his step, the man hurried to the nicer part of Canterlot, where every home was enclosed in gates, trying to remember where the supermodel’s mansion was.

Now, is it the mansion with the walls or is it the mansion with the fancy walls? Anny mused, trying to look through each of the entrances until he saw a familiar cutiemark painted on a gate.

“There we go!”

Clearing his throat, Anny walked up to the door and knocked on the giant metal door, wincing with each loud clashing sound.

“I wonder if Fleur has a door pony or something… Or maybe—“

Anny blinked as the door was almost violently thrown open, revealing a well-dressed, elderly stallion.

“Good evening, Sir,” the stallion said, looking Anny up and down. “Am I to assume that you are Anny?”

The man smiled, offering him a hand. “Hello there, and yeah I’m—“

The butler spun around, leaving him with his arm out like a moron. “Excellent. My lady Fleur has been expecting you.” He started to slowly walk down a cobble-stone trail while Anny awkwardly lowered his hand. “Come, she will be in her study.”

“…Alright… Mr…”

“You may call me Jeeves, sir.”

Anny blinked in confusion, allowing the stallion to lead him around. “…Mr. Jeeves.”

Like every other noble that could afford it, Fleur’s housing was as over-the-top and luxurious, almost to the point of ridiculousness.

Sure, having one statue of yourself was okay—Anny would put one in his house, a small one, if he could afford it—but seven? That was a little too much for his taste.

“So, Jeeves,” Anny said, trying to figure out a way to talk to this pony without it being awkward. “How’s the butler business treating you?”

Unlike the snort that he was expecting, Jeeves said, “It is adequate, Sir.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Sir. I am kept busy by the lady of the house; that is all that I need.”

Anny bit his lip, silently praying that this little walk would be over soon. For some reason, this old pony seemed almost robotic to the him, but maybe all butlers were like that?

Maybe I could tell him a paradox or something, then maybe he’ll exp—

“Sir, we are here.”

Anny blinked, looking up at a seemingly normal—or more normal than the rest of this place—looking little house.

“This is it?” he asked unsure. “Isn’t it a little…”

“I believe the word you are looking for is ‘simple,’ Sir.”

Anny nodded. “Yeah, simple.”

Jeeves shrugged. “This was a pet-house when the last noble owned this place,” he answered while Anny tried not to flinch.

“Dogs lived here?” he asked, not believing it.

The stallion shook his head. “No, Sir, I believe that a pair of cats made this place home.” He gestured toward the door. “Now, I believe that we shouldn’t keep the lady waiting, so let us be off.”

Jesus, and I thought the castle was a little much, Anny thought as the butler opened the door for him. A house just for your pets… I really hope that I make that much money someday…

As soon as he made his way through the door, the human realized that this mansion’s previous owner either loved their cats very much, Fleur redecorated since getting the place, or the owner was nuts, because the place looked great.

Like, if he had to imagine a house that he wanted to live in, he’d pick something like this.

Far bigger-looking on the inside than on the outside, the house was littered with oddly-shaped frames, bookshelves, what looked to be a pool table, and a few other things that made Anny want to grin in sheer giddiness.

“…Wow,” he muttered.

Jeeves nodded, looking around. “Yes… It is very… quaint, isn’t it?”

“Oh, bonjour mon ami!”

Before he could so much as blink, Anny was spun around by an ecstatic Fleur, who hopped up and kissed his cheeks. “Thank you for arriving to help me!”

Prench ponies are weird… Anny thought as he looked down at the unicorn, who looked ready to hop around the room.

“Hello, Fleur,” he said, trying not to giggle at her antics. “I see that someone had a good afternoon.”

The supermodel blinked before her face exploded into a blush, Fleur shimmering before looking away from him. “Oh my goodness! Please forgive me, Anny, I didn’t—“

Anny shushed her before patting her on the head. “It’s fine, Fleur,” he told her. “I know that the whole kissing thing is some Prench custom, so it’s fine.”

The mare blinked in confusion before nodding rapidly. “Yes, yes it, urm, it is a Prench custom!”

Anny turned away from her, Fleur breathing a sigh of relief. Thank Celestia for that, she thought, straightening her mane.

Anny rubbed his hands together. “Alright, Fleur, where’s that stuff that you need moved around? I’m sure we got a lot of stuff to do so we may as well up and get to it.”

Just breathe, Fleur, just breathe. It’s time to make him yours! With a little nod she turned toward Jeeves.

“Jeeves, that will be all,” she said with a little thankful smile. “And thank you for bringing Antaeus here.”

Her butler bowed. “As you will, my Lady.” Still bowing, the aging stallion slowly made his way out of the house, leaving Fleur alone with Anny.

Taking a deep, calming breath, and clapping her hooves together, she said, “Alright, mon ami, if you would follow me upstairs, then we can begin rearranging my little home.”

Anny nodded, patting her back. “Alright, Fleur, let’s—“ he stopped, his eyes sparkling when he saw something across the room. “This… that’s a snow cone machine?”

This might be easier than I thought… Fleur couldn’t keep the little grin from forming on her face. “Why, yes it is, Anny. It is a guilty pleasure of mine.” She looked up at him. “Would you like a snow cone before we begin?”

You really want it, don’t you? The little devil on Anny’s shoulder said. And look at all this other stuff; I bet if you ask nicely enough Fleur will let you mess with it.

A little angel appeared on the man’s other shoulder, stomping his feet. No, Anny, you have to help Mrs. Fleur with this! The longer you mess around the less time you’ll get to spend with Celestia!

“Well…” Anny said doubtfully. “I don’t know…”

“I have an ice cream machine in the other room if you’d prefer that,” Fleur helpfully added, Anny grinning stupidly.

“Of course I want some ice cream!” he said, almost hopping in place. “What are we waiting for?”

As the human jogged into the other room, Fleur sat down and rubbed her hooves together. “Yes, my little human,” she muttered. “Soon, you will be mine!”

“Did you say something, Fleur?”

“N-no, n-no, Anny, my dear! I was just speaking to myself!”

@~~$$~~@

“…You vile mare,” Cadence whispered, looking through her binoculars from a safe distance. “You vile, genius of a mare…”

She got up from her prone position to look around for her Shining. “Shining, where are you?” she whispered/yelled, perking up at a wheezing sound as Shining finally climbed onto the roof with her, rolling onto his back and looking up at the air while he tried his very best not to pass out.

“Why…didn’t…you…help…me up?” he weakly demanded, looking at her with glazed eyes.

The Princess of Love shrugged dismissively. “I’m going to need the magic to help us get into the mansion.”

“You…made me….climb….five stories…”

Cadence grinned sheepishly. “Don’t worry, Honey,” she patted him on the back. “All of that was good for you!”

Before the ex-captain could rebuttal, Cadence looked back at the mansion. “She’s really pulling out all the stops, Shining. I can’t believe that she pulled the build-an-awesome-house-to-get-closer-to-somepony trick.”

Shining finally struggled to his hooves, looking at the edge of the roof and toward the mansion. “How are we going to…get down there?”

He shook his head when the alicorn gestured at her batclaw. “Nono, none of that! I’ve had enough of this nonsense today.” His expression became stern. “If we’re going to do this, we’re doing it my way…”

@~~##~~@

I wonder if my Lady will be wanting tea, Jeeves thought as he quietly made himself some soup. I could make that Earl Grey that she adores in celebration when she wins over Mr. Anny.

The elderly earth pony hummed thoughtfully before shaking his head. No, that wasn’t needed; he would be called if he was needed. Mrs. Fleur just needed to work his—

Jeeves blinked as Cadence and Shining—who were still in their ninja outfits—crashed into the room, Shining whooping in triumph.

“See, Cadence? I told you that you would—“

The unicorn stopped when Jeeves cleared his throat in amusement, Cadence and Shining freezing as the butler, shaking his head, slowly opened a drawer.

“My, my,” he tettered, rummaging through the drawer. “It looks like we have a pair of intruders.”

Shining and Cadence’s eyes widened when Jeeves pulled out a pair of black nun-chucks, moving his neck side-to-side.

Twirl! Twirl!

Twirling his weapon slowly, he fully turned toward them. Sighing, he muttered, “Oh, I hope that my lady wouldn’t hear this… Now, would you two be dears and hold still? It has been a while since I’ve used these…”

Author's Note

I'm finally getting back into this fic, so get ready for some regular update again! I'll try to get a fic out every three weeks or so up until school starts, and I'm sorry for how long it's taken for this to get started up again. ;(

Also, if you want to look back, everything's been edited by the wonderful Marble, so you'll be able to read it without wanting to headbutt children

Step Eight: Jealously is Your Best Friend Pt.2
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Eight: Jealously is Your Best Friend Pt.2

Step Eight: Jealously is Your Best Friend Pt.2

Celestia never considered herself a sneaky pony. Sure, she could scurry around with the best of them if she really needed to, but someone of her…. size was pretty easy to pick out of a crowd, and since she was a pretty bad on-the-fly liar, she much preferred being upfront and honest with her intentions rather than use deceit and treachery any day.

Which was why, as she watched Anny from the safety of the rooftop from the mansion next door, wearing a size too small black spandex one-piece, she couldn’t help but feel horrible.

Here she was, a princess, stumbling around rooftops like a thief in the night, stalking who was pretty much her best friend, for no other reason than to watch the scene before her unfold and pray that everything was going to go perfectly.

She was no better than Cadence or Luna, toying with the young man’s emotions by using Fleur as a decoy just because she wanted nothing to do with him. No, she mentally scolded herself. You want Anny to find the perfect special somepony, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Giving her head a little spell, she cast a far-sight spell, looking through Fleur’s back house window. She gently frowned when she saw the mare, an ice cream cone caught up in her magic, laughing with Anny, who had about three cones--one halfway eaten--in his grasp, who looked like he was about to throw up laughing.

I wonder what they’re talking about, she pondered, a stray feeling that she couldn’t identify worming its way into her gut. ...I bet that Anny told her that joke about the pony and the wheelbarrow. She smiled, giggling quietly as she recalled the joke. That was a really goo--

“Auntie?”

The alicorn was wrenched out of her thoughts, slowly turning around to see a puzzled Blueblood, who was staring at her from the safety of his window.

Gulping and putting on her usual serene smile, she said, “Yes, Blueblood?”

“...Might I ask why you’re standing on top of my roof in a ninja outfit… that appears to be ripping in places?”

Because you happen to live right beside Fleur and this is Luna’s, so it’s a LITTLE too small for me, Celestia thought, before sighing and patting the spot next to her. “Come here, Blueblood,” she said kindly while the unicorn backed up slightly, a look on his face suggesting that that was the absolute last thing that he wanted to do at the moment.

“No thank you.” He slowly started to close the window while silently hoping that his obviously crazy aunt wouldn’t try to chase after him. “I think that I’ll just go back inside and let you do… whatever you’re doing and--erk!”

Rolling her eyes, Celestia cast a spell, Blueblood yelping when he was teleported right at the edge of the roof with her, something that the acrophobic unicorn really didn’t appreciate.

Clinging to his aunt’s side like his life depended on it--and it might because he couldn’t fly and they were pretty high up, the prince yelled, “SWEET MOTHER OF FAUST, PUT ME BACK INSIDE, PUT ME BACK INSIDE!”

“Will you calm down? I think that I have it in me to keep you from falling off this roof,” Celestia said in irritation while she ruffled her feathers. “Now stop being a baby; I need another pair of eyes… and maybe somepony’s advice on a certain matter…”

Blueblood pulled his gaze from the edge, the stallion still shaking slightly in terror, willing himself to look his aunt in the eye, if not for her benefit then to keep himself from losing it. Just don’t look don’t look down, he thought to himself, giving the alicorn a shaky smile. She’ll catch you do there’s nothing to worry about… probably.

“A-And what do we need m-my advice on, auntie?” he asked, slowly unclenching himself from her side. “Does i-it have s-something to do w-with you being up here?”

The solar princess nodded glumly. “Yes, actually, it does,” she confessed, her wings dropping to her sides in shame. “I’m up here to make sure that Anny’s date with Fleur goes well.” She nudged her wing toward the the window she had been looking into. “I’m sitting up here like a fool, hoping that they click together while feeling this… other emotion that I can’t place.”

Blueblood, nodded, the stallion already knowing what specific emotion that princess was experiencing. “Really?”

Celestis blew an irritated raspberry. “I want the best for Anny, even if I have to act like this.” She gestured toward herself. “To make sure that he’s happy, but I’m wondering if I’ve been putting too much into this.”

She turned away from Blueblood, her mane whipping around as the wind picked up. “Antaeus is not some toy; he’s a living, breathing, feeling being and I’m trying to play matchmaker just because I don’t--”

Her eyes widened and she her heart jumped to her throat when she saw Fleur get out of her seat, stride over to Anny, wrap him in a hug, and kiss him right on the lips.

Time seemed to freeze as she watched Anny stiffen in shock, that feeling in the pit of her gut angrily roaring in protest. “I think I know what that feeling is,” she muttered, almost to herself. “I wonder if it’s wron--”

“OH HORSEAPPLES, NOT IN THE FACE!!!!!”

@!#$@

While Anny should have been suspicious about why Fleur had asked him to come to her mansion--the mare probably could buy a whole moving company if she wanted--the only thought that was in his mind was a simple one:

This house was really, REALLY AWESOME!

It wasn’t too big, the almost all-wood thing that it had going on was amazing, it was simple yet amazing in his simplicity... And, it had its own gym, a game room, and an ice cream machine, so it pretty much had everything that he wanted in a house.

That, coupled with the mare he was spending his evening with, Anny was almost ecstatic that he hadn’t went up to the castle to go and see the princess. Almost.

Fleur was a wonderful mare; charming, funny, sweet, admittedly beautiful, but she wasn’t… Celestia. The thought itself made him feel a little bad. She wasn’t trying to ask him out, she just needed him to help move some stuff, which she hadn’t gotten around to asking yet for some reason; he didn’t need to classify her as one of the princesses competition.

But how could he not? Fleur was almost as funny, smart, and pretty as the princess, and Anny could admit to himself that she would be an excellent catch, but whenever he compared them--and he still knew that he should stop doing that-- Fleur just seemed like a Celestia knock-off and--

Stop it, Anny told himself while he tried to pay attention to what the mare in front of him was chatting about. Jerks compare women for no good reason. So just sit down and pay attention to what she’s talking about.

He resisted the urge to groan. I don’t even know what she’s talking about! he thought, exasperated. She gives me ice cream, and I can’t be a good enough guest to just sit down and listen to her! I’m the WORST…

“--So I’ve told you about my love-life, Anny,” Fleur said not knowing that inner turmoil that was going on inside Anny’s head. “How about you humor a mare and share some of your exploits?”

The human just started back at the big, cheery smile, beginning to sweat while he cursed himself. Idiot, IDIOT!... Wait, how did our conversation about ice cream turn into this?...

While he kind of knew that mares really shifted around during long conversations, going from one topic to another with the greatest of ease, this wasn’t really something he was ready, or wanted, to talk about. But, since she already poured her heart out to him--at least he was hoping that she just wasn’t pulling his leg because she knew that he hadn’t been listening--he willed himself to speak.

“I’ve never really been that good with women,” he admitted, finishing his cone with a final bite while he looked away from her. “When I was younger and in school I’d just get tongue-tied around them, and as I got older I was too busy working to look into anything serious or anything like that.”

That last bit was kind of a lie; while back on Earth he was pretty busy with his job, he wasn’t that busy, but he wanted to save a little face in front of Fleur. Not a lot of people really wanted to admit that they had full-time, successful careers but they were scared to talk to girls because of reasons.

“And since the whole business of me getting stuck on this planet has been going on for so long.” He winced. “And it’s taken a little longer for me to get used to the idea of me dating anything other than a human, I’ve been pretty much a love desert at the moment, so there’s not really much to talk about.”

He waved a hand in her direction. “At least compared with all of the stallions that I’m sure you go through on a weekly basis.”

Fleur frowned, a hoof touching her chest as she looked him up and down. “Are you teasing me, mon chere? I refuse to believe that a stallion like you wasn’t a hit with the...er, human females.”

“....”

The mare snorted. “At least tell me that you have had your first kiss,” she demanded, blinking when Anny just awkwardly cleared his throat, a small blush coming to his face as Fleur’s mind race.

He has to be kidding?! she thought, before a small smile came to her face. ...Though, this could be for my benefit…

“I apologize for my prying, Antaeus,” she said, trying to catch his eye while she worked up her courage. “And while I honestly cannot fathom why you were not a stallion with a mare on either arm, I believe that you will find a special somepony far sooner than you think if you just put yourself out and about.”

That got a little smile out of him as he looked at nothing in particular. “Thanks, Fleur, that means a lot,” he said gratefully, not noticing that she had gotten up and was confidently making her way toward him.

“And I think that I can help you with your premier baiser~.”

Before Anny could so much as blink, the mare pulled him into a hug, her eyes shining, before she squished his cheeks together with her hooves and brought him into a kiss.

It wasn’t a deep one, nor was it a heavy one; in was just a simple little smooch, but to Fleur it was like fireworks were going off all around her. The softness of his lips, their texture, the taste that she could gather from a simple kiss, was, in a work, perfect, so much so that she had to restrain herself from going any farther into it.

He will be a very good kisser if he practices with somepony, she decided, letting her lips linger for a second longer before breaking the kiss and looking at him expectantly, trying not to grin like a fool as she said, “And there you have it! I hope that your first kiss was to your liking.”

She frowned gently at the human’s unreadable expression before mentally shrugging to herself. I’m sure that this is just a lot to take in, she assured herself, walking back to her seat and plopping down. I AM a good kisser and… oh, I wonder if he’ll ask if we can do it again?! That-

While the mare was having a little hissy-fit, squirming in her chair with an excited expression on her face, Anny was trying not to scream in frustration.

To him, his first kiss was supposed to be special! Not something you throw away with some random person. Sure, it sounded girly and stupid that he cared so much about something so meaningless, but in his defense he had quietly hoped that the princess would be his first…

And Fleur, no matter how noble her intentions or how silly she’d think he was if she found out how he was taking this, didn’t deserve to take that away from him. While not a very violent person, for a second, he saw red, ready to tell Fleur what he thought of the--

“OH HORSEAPPLES, NOT IN THE FACE!”

@#$$#@

Shining knew that nunchucks were a stupid and silly weapon even in design. They were hard to control, they really didn’t generate enough force to really hurt somepony--at least compared to a plain ol’ stick anyway--they were liable to smack you right in the face if you weren’t careful, the list went on and on how dumb they were.

At least he had thought that, before he saw what this old butler could do with them.

As soon as the stallion stood in his back legs and put his weapons around his neck, Shining had had an inkling that maybe he and his wife should be getting away from him. That inkling was then turned into full-fledged horror when the stallion started whipping them around.

It was almost like a movie, Jeeves not breaking eye contact with them as the sticked blurred around his body as he skillfully moved them around; whooshing sounds and what sounded like a little growl were even coming from him.

“Defend yourself,” Jeeves growled, holding the nunchucks diagonally across his back while he narrowed his eyes at them, “if you CAN!”

“Honey,” Shining said as him and Cadence slowly backed up.

“Yes, Shiny?”

“How about we just RUN AWAY!”

Jeeves smirked as the two spun around and dashed out of the kitchen. “The hunt begins,” he said, before charging--still standing on his back legs--after them.

When Cadence felt something narrowly miss her head, she panicked, her wings flaring as she willed herself to move faster. Here she was, running away from an elderly stallion in a mansion that she and her husband had broken into just to make sure that Anny and Celestia had a chance. While this seemed pretty acceptable in her mind, she did have one concern.

“OH HORSEAPPLES, NOT IN THE FACE!”

@!#$$@

“...What was that?” Anny asked, looking out the window and toward Fleur’s mansion. And why did it sound an awfully lot like Cadence? His anger momentarily forgotten, he turned toward Fleur, who looked as puzzled as him.

“...I do not know, Anny,” she confessed, taking a nervous step backwards from the door. “But it sounded like it came from my own home.” She gasped, her eyes widening as she hopped out of her chair.

“Oh my goodness, it must be a raptor!” A hoof went to her temple while she swooned. “We must go and find the guard, Antaeus!”

“But what about that butler of yours?” Anny asked, looking for something to defend himself with of he needed to. “Wasn’t he in your house?”

You could almost taste the horror on Fleur as she forced herself to look out the window, her and Anny flinching at the sound of glass and wood breaking. “Oh poor Jeeves!” she laminated. “What if the poor stallion is hurt, or what if--”

Placing his hand on the mare’s back, Anny gave her his bravest smile. “Don’t worry, Fleur,” he said while Fleur sniffled, “we’ll go in and check and see if he’s okay.”

Fleur looked up at him, wiping away the tear from her eye. “Mais il pourrait être dangereux,” she said, too distraught to notice that she had gone back to her foreign tongue. “et nous pourrions être mal!”

I have no idea what you just said, Anny thought before taking a deep breath and making his way toward the steps. “Go and get the guards, Fleur,” he called. “I’ll go and see what’s going on!” Please don’t be burglars! I don’t want to fight burglars!

@##!##@

Celestia’s eyes widened, her gaze going to Blueblood for a moment before she looked back down at the mansion below. What was that? she thought to herself while she peer over the edge of the roof. And why the hay did it sound like Cadence?

“RUN FASTER, SHINY!”

Her worried expression soured into irritation. “And just what are they doing in there?” she muttered, while Blueblood nervously look back toward his window.

“Auntie, should I go and call the guard?” he asked, sounding scared.

The alicorn shook her head, giving him a comforting pat on the side with her wing. “No, I don’t think Fleur is in any danger,” she said calmly, not able to keep herself from smiling when saw Anny leave the little house with what looked like a bat.

You say that you aren’t brave, Anny, but you’ll go out and see what’s going on? She spread her wings and started to glide toward him. I may as well make sure that you don’t bludgeon my niece with that stick..

@#$#$@

Up the stairs, down the halls, hop over the railing, hope you don’t get smacked, throw things at the crazy butler, rinse and repeat; that was what Cadence had been doing for the past five minutes while her husband was out searching for Fleur so she could put a stop to the butler, who wouldn’t stop grumbling at her.

All it had taken was her breaking a vase, and a quick spell to get Shining away from her, and Jeeves sole attention was on her. While she hadn’t gotten whacked on the head yet, the earth pony was slowly starting to swing closer and closer to her noggin.

“Could you please hold still for a moment? I would like to keep you contained before I call the guard.”

“NO, you just want to hit me!”

“...In my defense, that vase you broke was over three hundred years old.”

Trying to get control of her breathing, the alicorn cast a spell, levitating dozens of things, vases, glass sculptures, pictures off the walls, and spun them around her before tossing them in a hundred different directions.

Jeeves just rolled his eyes, putting his weapon around his neck before, with a few hops and leaps, he was able to snatch everything out of the air and gently put it down. Tsking, he said, “Will you please stop that, young lady, it did not work the last three times, it will not work if you try to do it again.”

He raised an eyebrow at a terrified Cadence, who had accidentally cornered herself. “And it looks like you’ve cornered yourself.” Still shaking his head, he pulled his nunchucks off his neck and slowly made his way toward her while slowly spinning his weapon.

“Please just make this easier for the both of us,” he said, while Cadence’s eyes darted around, desperately trying to find an escape route. “I’m just going to give you a little smack on the head, just one, and then I can call the guard so they can deal with you.”

The Princess of Love watched as Jeeves slowly raised his mighty weapon, before she closed her eyes and waited for the killing blow. And waited, and waited, and waited.

Is he just waiting for me to open my eyes? she thought, resisting the urge to sneak a peek. ...What’s that twinkling noise?

“Cadence, would you be a dear and please explain to my why you’ve broken into one of my dear friends’ houses?”

The pink alicorn winced at the speaker’s tone, opening an eye to see her aunt towering over her and an almost bored-looking Jeeves floating in her magic.

Welllll, this couldn’t have gone worse… I knew I should have just let Shining stay home, then I wouldn’t have crashed through that wall and none of this would have happened and--

“Cadence,” Celestia said quietly, trying to mask the anger in her voice and failing. “Now would be a good time to explain yourself.” She looked over at the butler, who gave her a little bow. “And you, Jeeves, would you care to explain as to why you were about to assault a member of my family?”

The stallion nodded while she carefully floated him back down to the ground, without his nunchucks of course; she didn’t want him hurting anyone. “Of course, Princess,” he said politely. “I witnessed her and a white stallion burst through one of my lady’s walls--” Cadence flinched as Celestia glared at her. “--dressed in those… outfits and--”

“Which you also seem to be wearing, Princess.” Cadence and Jeeves turned toward the speaker as Celestia froze. Anny, makeshift bat still in hand, poked his head past Jeeves to look at her with a confused expression. “Why the heck are you wearing a ninja outfit?”

“Yeah!” Cadence interject, just as confused about her being here as Anny was.

The two frowned as Celestia looked around while beginning to sweat profusely. “Well, um, you see--”

Sensing her weakness, and wanting to get everyone focused on her so she could think of a way to make her being here make sense, said, “What, were you stalking this hou--”

Shining and Fleur burst into the hall, interrupting the mare. “It’s alright, Cadence, I brought Ms. Fleur and--” he stopped, surveying the scene for a moment before blinking in confusion. “... What’s going on here?”

They all looked at each other, everyone trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together so their unexpected union could make a lick of sense, before Anny, scratching his head, said, “You know, Shining, that is a very good question…”

Anny pointed at him and Fleur. “We’re here because this is Fleur’s house,” he said, trying to make sense of this madness. “But you three are wearing black one pieces for… some reason that I really can’t figure out right now and...”

He trailed off, opening and closing his mouth for about a minute taking a step backward. “You know what?” he said cautiously, “I really don’t think I want to know what’s going on--” he waved his hands at them, “--here, so I think I’m just going to go home while you all talk this out.”

Before he left, he gave Celestia a little smile. “Bye princess,” he said with a little wave. “I’ll see you in the morning for fun runs.”

Celestia swallowed the lump in her throat and smiled back at him. “See you in the morning, Anny. And remember to take a water bottle with you like last time.”

Anny nodded slowly before looking at Fleur. “Um, Fleur, I’m sorry that we didn’t get anything moved around in your back house.” He walked over and patted her on the back with a confused, but heartfelt smile. “I’ll try to come back over tomorrow if you want.”

Fleur smile. “Thank you, Anny,” she said while he handed her back her croquet hammer. “But I don’t think that that will be necessary.” She looked at Shining and Cadence with a nasty smile. “I believe I have found two willing recruits for that.”

“And we’ll pay for your damaged wall,” Shining said.

“AND all of that other stuff that I might have broken running around,” Cadence added.

Jeeves narrowed his eyes. “I think that you let these two off too cleanly, my lady,” he said, actually sounding slightly upset. “The least I could do is call for the guard and--”

Fleur just waved him off as Anny quietly made his way out of the room and toward the mansion’s front door. “Oh, it doesn’t need to come to that,” she said offhandedly while magicking Cadence a broom and dustpan and looking at Shining meaningfully.

“Princess, Jeeves will watch you while you clean up your mess. Sir Shining, you will come with me to do some lifting.” She cocked her head at him, giving him a nasty smile. “A lot of heavy lifting.”

Cadence and Shining looked at each other before nodding, the Princess of Love snatching the cleaning materials out of the air and starting to work while Fleur turned toward Celestia, who gave her a nervous smile.

“Well, it seems like you’ve gotten everything under control,” she said, backing away toward the door. “My niece and nephew are being punished accordingly, and you’re alive and well, so I believe that I will be taking my leave.”

Her smile diminished, and she looked at the ground thoughtfully. “I have some… intense thinking to do.” Giving herself a little shake, she looked back up at her friend. “Goodbye, Fleur. Anny and I will be seeing you in the morning. You and I will need to speak to each other soon.”

“Of course, Celestia.”

While Fleur was a little curious as to why the princess was here and in a ninja outfit, she let it be. I’m sure she was just keeping an eye on how my and Anny’s relationship is going, she thought, walking over and giving the white alicorn a little nuzzle. Don’t worry, Celestia, Anny will be mine within the month.

“Goodbye, Princess,” she said, smiling when she remembered the look on Anny’s face as he ate his ice cream.

I could tell that he was thinking of you, she thought while the princess, ignoring the dirty looks Cadence was giving her, quickly made her way to the front door. The way his eyes shined! She giggled. Oh my, it appears that that my interest of the young man may have developed into a little crush.

Her tail swished around in excitement as she trotted down the hallway with Shining following. Here she was Fleur de lis, supermodel extraordinaire and a noble of the highest standing, getting butterflies whenever she saw some commoner-- not even a pony no less!-- smile or laugh or giggle or just be himself.

“You eyes will shine with the same love for me eventually, my dear Anny,” she whispered to herself with a manics grin on her face. “All I need is a little more time with you and your heart will sing for me and not her.”

It was almost fun, in a sense. She versus Celestia, mare vs mare, princess vs supermodel, her charm and grace vs Celestia’s majesty. Even if Celestia wasn’t trying to woo the young man, her presence was all he needed to keep trying to love her, so whether she wanted to or not, the two were rivals until the time being.

Or maybe she’s starting to feel some kind of love toward Anny?

It made sense in a way. Where Celestia could have simply just stopped being around Anny, she practically spent all of the time she was off with him. She would smile--even if she didn’t notice it--whenever he entered the room. The two would even sit close to each other--snuggling was a better term in her mind--whenever given the opportunity.

...I WILL speak to her about keeping her distance, she thought. Anny will not get over her if she’s at his side at all times…

Smile now gone, Fleur walked over toward a door and flung it open, turning toward Shining. “Sir Shining, this is my personal weight room,” she said calmly. “I would like you to taken everything here and put it where ever my butler Jeeves tells you to; he already has a room picked out on the third floor where these can be stored.”

Shining paled, daring a look into the room and flinching what what he saw. “T-there’s a lot of dumbbells in there,” he mumbled, looking at the weight plates, the racks, the benches, pretty much everything that could be considered heavy.

Fleur nodded. “Yes, and you have a very short time to move all of these,” she said, turning away. “I expect these to be put away by morning.”

Without another word, she left Shining by his lonesome, the poor stallion not knowing that Jeeves was under strict orders to make this a wild goose chase for him, Shining looking at the room for another moment before muttering under his breath, “Oh horseapples.” He resisted the urge to put his head in his hooves.

“Dirty, mucky, rotten horse apples, why do I keep letting Cadence talk me into doing things like this?!”

Step Nine: Keep Strong and Don't Give Up!
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Nine: Keep Strong and Don't Give Up!

Celestia wiggled in her chair, trying to keep herself calm so she could begin her plan.

All I need to do is get Luna and Cadence away from him for a few weeks, he thought, a frown etched on her face. And… I think I’m going to have to see if Fleur’s plan will work. As much as she didn’t want to do it, personal feelings aside, she knew it had to be done.

The door burst open, revealing Luna, Cadence, and Shining, all who were looking at her in concern.

“Sister, you called for us?” Luna said trotting toward her. “The guard you send told us there we were needed for an emergency. Did something serious happen?”

Celestia shook her head, forcing herself to keep her emotionless mask on. “It shouldn’t be Luna,” she told her, looking at the three, “I just received a letter from the mayor of Baltimare that there’s something swimming around their port, something that may need a princess to either scare away or help.”

Luna’s chest puffed out. “Then We will go and meet whatever this creature is,” she said, “to see whatits intentions are. We are sure that we’ll be able to handle whatever this is, sister, so you won’t need to concern yourself with it.”

“I would still feel comfortable if you took somepony else with you, Luna.“

She gave Cadence and Shining a guilty smile. “I was wondering if you and Shining could go with her, Cadence,” she asked her niece. “I’m sorry that you have to work on—“

“It’s my job as a Princess of Equestria to help protect our subjects,” Cadence interrupted, fire in her eyes. “The Crystal Empire or Las Pegasus, as long as somepony needs help, I’ll be there!”

Shining nodded. “Me too,” he agreed.

Celestia nodded slowly. “I will make the arrangements then,” she said, turning away from them so they couldn’t see the guilt that was slipping through her mask. “The three of you leave in the morning. And thank you for doing this, you three.”

Luna snorted. “It is our JOB, sister,” she waved a hoof around, “and we have been waiting for months to be sent on a mission to help our little ponies.” Luna gave Shining and Cadence a fierce grin. “And since we might have to encounter monsters, monsters that we will most definitely have to crush beneath our might, our excitement has been doubled!”

With a happy trot, she made her way toward the door. “We will prepare for the departure this second!”

Celestia looked back at Cadence as the Lunar Princess trotted out the door. “Please make sure that Luna tries to behave herself while she’s there … and that she doesn’t end up breaking half the city.”

Cadence just giggled, her and Shining leaving the room so Celestia was once again able to look out her balcony window. That went a little TOO well, she thought, not turning around when there was a knock at the door.

“Your Highness,” somepony said through the door. “You sent for me?”

“Come in,” she simply said.

‘I wonder what he’s doing right now…’

A guardspony stepped into the room and saluted. “Ma’am.”

The princess finally turned toward him. “Sergeant, I need you to go to the Sparkle household with a message.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Tell Antaeus that for the next month, he and I will not be able to be in contact with each other.”

“Would you like me to give him a reason, my lady?”

“…Just tell him that I have too many duties at the castle that require my attention… and that I am sorry.”

The guard nodded and trotted out of the room, leaving just before Celestia slumped in her chair and sighed sadly. “It’s for the best,” she muttered, crackling a smile at how false that sounded, even to her. “It’s for the best.”

Weeks Later…

The last month had been pretty interesting for Anny. For some reason, the princess wasn’t able to really do anything with him—working out or otherwise—so that left him either alone, with Twilight and her family... or Fleur and Blueblood.

Cadence and Luna also seemed to have also disappeared, without a trace almost, which led him to hypothesize that the two alicorns were either busy with political stuff (probably not), they were planning for something big for him and Celestia (be that good or bad, helpful or horrible), or they had just forgotten or giving up hope with his situation.

Not that that would keep him from marching on up the muddy, slippery, gopher-hole riddled hill that was his tasks, but the very least they could have told him!

Twilight seemed to be happy to help him, as did Spike and Velvet. From making heart-shaped letters to “poetry,” those three were always there to offer a helping hoof/claw. He was kind of unsure where to put the two nobles that alway seemed to be around him. Sure, he wasn’t a guy that … really disliked other people, but he had to admit that he was still angry at a certain supermodel about a certain kissing incident, so even though he tried to be as civil as possible he was a little colder than usual around them.

That still didn’t stop them from asking him to go and work out with them, which he did--one needed workout buddies when it’s heavy lift day--and even though they were pretty weird they were almost starting to grow on him and they were almost great friend material, except Fleur was always there being… her.

She kept giving him these… looks all the time whenever she thought he wasn’t looking. It wasn’t just the looks that she tried to give him though, it was her, at least what he was assuming, Prenchness, which was a little more… aggressive than he would’ve liked. How she walked with that little pop of the hips, how she always seemed to sit really close next to him whenever they sat down, or the whole kissing on the cheeks thing kinda made him uncomfortable.

He didn’t know how to bring it up with her without looking like a jerk--it just might be how Prench ponies could be--but he was starting to get really close to telling her to mind his personal space. He dealt with the two for three reasons: Blueblood was actually kind of fun to be around, it was kind of nice meeting all of the actually nice nobles that he’d meet when around with the two, and he could, discreetly, find out why the two were hanging around him and what they were going to do to him.

None of that was really going to matter for the next couple of days though, not the worry, not watching his back from two ponies who might want to steal his kidneys, but because Celestia had sent him a letter, along with Twilight and Spike, inviting them to the castle for some fancy noble’s party, so he was going to go and see what’s been keeping her shut in her castle. And hopefully get some much needed answers.

“Are you just about ready to go, Anny?” Twilight, who was dressed up in a simple yellow dress, asked, poking her head into the human’s room to see him fiddling with his tie.

Anny grunted, looking down at the piece of clothing like he was ready to throw it into a fire. “Just give me a minute, Twi,” he muttered. “Now, around the bend, through the hole and… no that’s not it…”

Twilight watched him, trying to keep herself from laugh, trying to put the stupid thing on, and failing, before asking, “Anny, do you need a little help there?”

“No, I’m fine… I’ll get it, URK!!!”

Rolling her eyes, the alicorn unwrapped the tie from her friend’s neck before putting it on with a simple tie knot. “Shining was as bad are you are when he was trying to put these on.” she said, trotting in the room and looking over him.

She flattened out a few wrinkles on his jacket with a hoof. “I remembered when he needed to get dressed for his guardspony graduation,” she continued, giving his tie a little nudge to straighten it out. “I walked in to see if he was done”—she giggled—“he had somehow gotten tied up on his ceiling fan and knocked himself out, so he was just slowly spinning in the air with half of his suit on…”

Anny frowned, adjusting his cufflinks. “So you came here to check up on me to make sure that I didn’t… knock myself out getting dressed?”

Twilight let out a little ‘oh’ when she heard the disbelief in his voice. “I forgot, you dress like this all the time and—“

“I don’t dress like this,” Anny swept a hand down his best dress shirt, jacket, shoes, and pants, “all the time.

Twilight waved that away with a hoof. “You still get dressed every day,” she said. “Ponies are usually unclothed—“

“Naked.”

“—unclothed all the time, so getting all the straps and buckles on when you don’t know what to do is hard—especially for a stallion.” She gave him one final once-over. “I just wanted to make sure that you were doing it fine”—she gave him a cheeky smile—“and it looks like I was right since you needed help with your tie, so you’re welcome … You look great by the way.”

That got a little smile out of Anny, the human patting the unicorn on the head. “Thanks, Twilight, you look nice too.” Anny brushed himself off and winked at the mirror before turning around. “And thanks for mothering me; your mom would be proud.”

“I wasn’t babying you!” Twilight protested with a teasing smile, stomping her hoof. “I helped Spike get into his tuxedo; I just wanted to make sure that you were doing fine by yourself!”

Anny chuckled. “Thanks mom.”

Twilight nudged him before the two left the room and went down the stairs and into the living room, where Velvet was fussing over a clearly uncomfortable and unamused Spike.

“Aw look at your widdle tummy poking out,” Velvet cooed, giving Spike’s stomach a poke, “you look so cute! Yes you do, yes you do!”

You could almost taste the relief when Spike looked over at Twilight and Anny. “Oh thank Celestia that you two are done,” he said, trying to waddle away from the older mare. “Could we please get going?”

“The party’s not for another hour, Spike,” Anny said, biting his lip to keep from laughing when Velvet picked the drake up and started swinging him around.

“Who’s momma’s little dragon? Who’s momma’s little dragon?”

“…We’ll be fashionably early then. Now can somepony please get her off me?!”

@~~@@~~@

“—and he’s been trying to make excuses to stay away from me! ME! All I want is to see how he’s--”

Celestia sighed, silently wishing that she had something stronger to drink than apple cider. The white alicorn watched a fuming Fleur pace around her, screaming at the top of her lungs in angry Prench.

With Fleur’s urging, she had tried to keep her distance from Anny for a month. For a month she had let Fleur be Fleur so she could seduce Anatues, for a month she had been forced to stew in her own emotional turmoil while she tried—tried—to ignore all of the letters that Anny had sent her, and, even for one of her patience, it had turned out to be a looooonnnnnng month.

She had even sent Luna, Cadence, and Shining Armor to go deal with a sea monster infestation that was happening in Baltimare. Everything had been set up perfectly, but in the end it had gone horribly for everyone, herself included.

She missed running around with her favorite human, missed having someone with whom she could take off the crown, the majesty, and just be regular cake-loving Celestia. Instead of seeing the young man’s beaming face every morning for workouts, all she’d been seeing was paperwork—which she had began signing herself since she didn’t have anything better to do—and the faces of her guards—whose training yard she had been using to stay in shape—and she could honestly say that she was thoroughly sick of it all.

And that wasn’t counting the rising guilt that she couldn’t help but feel about ‘toying’ with her friend’s life.

To top it all off, Fleur was becoming more and more upset with Anny’s almost unwavering resistance to every mare other than her. The princess could tell, by the way that the unicorn was pacing around the room, her face scrunched up in irritation, that she was starting to lose it.

No stallion refuses Fleur de Lis, the Jewel of Canterlot, the Pride of the Lis family, one of the greatest, and most gorgeous, mares that Equestria had known in a hundred years! But here Anny was, and Celestia couldn’t help but be a little flattered by that.

It’s not every day someone’s willing to overlook all of the other fish in the sea for you. She might be a powerful, neigh immortal princess, but it felt nice when someone cared enough about you to see just you.

“—I’ve never met such a stubborn stallion in all of my years! In fact, I can safely assume that there’s no creature ON THIS EARTH that can come within spitting distance on how—“

Celestia finally cleared her throat. “Fleur, honey,” she said, shifting around in her seat, “will you please calm down, stop yelling at me in Prench, come over here, and talk to me like a sane pony?” She looked her up and down. “You’re going to ruin that dress of yours if you keep stomping around like a Hydra.”

Fleur blew a lock of her mane out of her face before taking a deep breath and walking toward Celestia in a calm and dignified manner. “Forgive me, Celestia,” she said, keeping up the perfect posture while the princess levitated her some tea, “I was just—“

“Letting it all out?” Celestia supplied, watching as Fleur, blowing a raspberry, slumped tiredly in her seat.

“I’ve never seen anything like him,” Fleur quietly said after she drained her tea in a single swig. When she gave Celestia a pleading look, the alicorn magicked a bottle of Applejack Daniel’s from a hidey hole and poured the poor mare a glass.

“Thank you.” Fleur said before draining the hard drink. “Now where was I?”

Celestia looked at the bottle of whisky before shaking her head and magicking it away. No, I’m not drinking the emergency alcohol unless there’s an emergency… besides, I have a party to attend in an hour…

“You were talking about Anny.”

Fleur nodded, a dreamy expression on her face. “Honestly, I can’t imagine how you’ve been able to resist the stallion for so long. Even though he doesn’t want me to see them, I know he sends you letters every day, no?”

Celestia nodded, though more and more of those letters were now asking if she was alright since she had been shutting herself in.

The unicorn swooned in her chair. “All of the letters, the kind words that he says about you… Oh, how his eyes light up when either I or Blueblood just mention you.”

Celestia frowned at the last bit but decided to hold her tongue.

“Somepony of his willpower, of his kindness, would have made any other mare fall in love with him by his constant actions; how you have the will to resist is beyond me.”

Celestia cleared her throat and chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah… will,” she muttered, looking down at her tea.

Now slightly calmer, Fleur poured herself a cup of tea. “Anatues is a sweet boy,” she said, pouring a bit of sugar in her cup and stirring, “But I do not think he will stop hounding you until you really do something about it.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?” she asked, slightly perplexed. “I’ve already told him that I wasn’t… interested.”

The supermodel nodded. “Yes, you did, but that wasn’t enough.” She took a sip of her tea. “You’ve tried to let him down gently, you’ve tried to keep yourself from him, and it has not worked.” Fleur leaned on the table. “So you may need to do something… more extreme.”

Celestia looked over at her friend, a frown on her face, putting her tea cup back down on the table and saying, “Fleur, could you please just tell me what you have to tell me so we—“

“Anny’s coming to the banquet tonight, correct?” Fleur interrupted.

The princess nodded. “Of course.” I was going to rip my mane out of my head if I didn’t get to see him after all this time, she quietly finished to herself. “Him and Twilight and Spike will be coming to the party.”

Fleur nodded, tapping her hoof against her cup in deep thought, before she devilishly smiled. “If Anny didn’t take your no the first time, maybe he will if it’s a little more… public,” she suggested, while the color drained from Celestia’s face.

“You mean… you want me to refuse him… in front of hundreds of ponies?” she asked, awe and horror in her voice. “I could never do something so…” Try as she might, she couldn’t think up a word to describe how horrible that would be for Anny if she did that.

She could almost see it now, her telling the man, who no doubt was going to be dressed in his best, that she wanted nothing to do with him romantically. She couldn’t imagine the look on his face, nor could she bear to think about the aftereffects that that action would bring for everyone.

“Fleur,” she finally said, “I could never do something to Anny like that. The first time I… rejected him, there were only a four of us in the room, and my sister was helping him! To do it in front of a crowd…” she shivered. “It’d be more horrible that I care to imagine.”

Fleur, with a smile still on her face, slammed her hoof against the table. “Yes, it would be horrible,” she agreed, not noticing the thousand-yard stare the alicorn was giving the wall. “You would tell Anny, in a loud, clear, and thunderous voice that you would like him to stop his advances on you.”

Hopping out of her chair, the unicorn walked over and poked Celestia on the shoulder.

“The nobles will gasp and Anny will be heartbroken,” she sat down on her rump with a nod. “He will then go to the first one that offers him a shoulder to cry on, me. For a few days of pain from everypony you will be rid of Anny, he will no longer be in love with you, and my attempts at seduction will wear him down until he is swooning over me!”

Fleur closed her eyes, beaming, and waited for the praise for such an amazing plan to be showered down on her. “It is a good plan, no?”

She opened an eye to see Celestia staring at her emotionlessly. “I… will think on your advice,” she said carefully, getting out of the chair and walking away from her, “it might be a little cruel, but you are right, something needs to be done.”

Celestia straightened her back and stared straight ahead. “And that something will be done tonight. Now, if you will excuse me, Fleur, I need to get ready to make my entrance for the party. I would suggest that you go down there and mingle with anypony that’s gotten here early.”

“Of course, Princess,” she said, getting out of her seat and trotting toward the door. “I will meet you down there.” She spared a final glance toward her. “You’re doing the right thing, madame.”

“I will be doing what’s best for me and him, Fleur,” Celestia said cryptically, staring out the window while she pondered.

@~~@@~~@

After a short trip through town and after they got past the guard—all of whom gave the little group winks and quiet compliments—Twilight, Anny, and Spike got into the castle and were making their way through the corridors when they heard someone call out:

“Young Anny, Twilight, Spike, it is good to see you!”

Turning around, the three watched as Luna, dressed in an elegant and little black dress, gleefully trot toward them. Giving them each a greeting nuzzle, she said, “We are happy that you were able to come to this party.”

Anny gave her a pat on the muzzle. “It’s good to see you too, Luna,” he said with a little smile. “I haven’t seen you or Cadence around in a couple of weeks; I was getting worried that something had happened to you two.”

The Lunar Princesses smile dampened slightly. “We apologize, Anny, but young Cadence and I have been rather busy lately.” She turned around and started down the hallway toward the gardens, Anny and everyone else following her. “We’ve just returned from a rather tiresome situation in Baltimare.”

“Oh, was it bad?” Twilight asked as they turned a corner.

“It was nothing to concern yourself with, Twilight,” Luna said with a wave of the hoof, “Cadence, Shining, and I simply needed to go and deal with a simple Leviathan that was troubling a part of the area’s water lines. A few well-placed spells sent the overgrown fish back to the depths.”

“Then why did it take you weeks to get back?” Spike, who had gotten tired waddling to the castle and had opted to ride on Twilight’s back—much to her irritation—asked.

Luna growled. “It had friends,” she said as they made their way out to the garden, “many, many friends. Nothing that our sister needed to know about, but it took us quite a few days to deal with the situation… and even longer to help fix the damages our little battle had caused.”

The garden itself had undergone a complete transformation. Where there was once abundant wildlife and more than a few open little patches in the trees, now there were tables, littered with the finest food and drink that money could buy, there were servants, ready to service any noblemen that were too lazy to go to the tables, and there were nobles, probably the most underwhelming thing at the whole scene.

Anny whistled while he looked around. “Wow, this is pretty snazzy,” he said, “are those… birds on the treetops?”

Luna nodded, leading the group toward an empty table. “Yes, they are here to provide the music along with the orchestra,” she said, waving a servant down. “Sister had this group trained to sing an array of songs on command. We found them most entertaining at the last party.”

Anny nodded, looking around. “That’s pretty neat, “ he muttered distractedly. “Hey, Luna, where’s your sister?”

The alicorn shrugged, thanking a stallion as he rushed over and handed her a drink. “We believe that she was fretting over herself; something about trying to get into a new dress that ‘almost’ fit her or some nonsense.”

Twilight frowned at that. “Why the hay would the princess be wearing a dress?” she asked, flabbergasted at the very thought. “I don’t remember her ever wearing anything other than her regalia to a party, and this one is just a little get-together!”

Luna gave Anny a look that he didn’t see-- he was a little busy running over and grabbing platefuls of food to munch on—before she mused, “Oh, I wouldn’t say that this particular party isn’t going to be a special one.”

She looked down at her drink, swirling it. “Twilight, Spike, may we ask thee a question?”

“Sure, Princess,” Spike said, cutting off Twilight, “whatcha need to know?”

“How have our sister and Anny been getting along in our absence?” she asked, discreetly looking around for a certain pink alicorn and her husband. We wonder what thou art also doing, niece, she thought. We are sure thou art running around with—

“Oh, there you all around!” A voice happily said from behind them. “We’ve been looking all around for you!”

Cadence, who was dressed in a sparkling pink dress with frilly bits at the end, and Shining, who was simple dressed in his officer’s uniform, trotted toward them and sat down, Cadence next to Twilight and Shining next to Anny’s chair.

Giving her step-sister a hug, the Cadence said, “Oh sweet Faust, you look so cute in that outfit, Twilight!”

Twilight blushed, looking away from her. “Thanks,” she muttered, while Spike loudly cleared his throat, the drake crossing his arms in irritation.

Cadence looked over at him, rolling her eyes. “And look at you, Spike,” she said, giving his belly a poke, “all dressed up in your finest tux! It shows that cute widdle belly of yours and—“

“Nope,” Spike said, hopping out of his chair, “I had to deal with that for forty-five minutes, I’m not gonna deal with you. I’ll go do some mingling, see if there’s somepony in this party that won’t poke my stomach… no good, irritating, baby-face making…”

Twilight, Luna, Cadence, and Shining watched him go.

“Spike’s sensitive about his belly,” Twilight said, leaning back in her chair, “I’m sure he’ll be back here in a few minutes. Now, how was your… little trip, Cadence?” Twilight asked her old foalsitter. “Luna was telling us how eventful it was.”

Cadence giggled. “Oh, it wasn’t that bad,” she told her, thanking a servant that placed her drink on the table. “In fact, some of those sea monsters were just sweethearts when you got to know them.”

“One of the tried to eat me,” Shining muttered, “I had to beat it back into the water with an inflatable floaty.”

Cadence patted her husband on the back. “Oh, it was just that one, Shiny, those others were way more reasonable than that crab monster, but enough about that!” Looking up and down the table, she leaned toward Twilight. “So how have Anny and Auntie Celestia been getting along since she sent us on that little field trip?” she giggled. “Should I be expecting wedding bells yet?”

Twilight gave her a weak smile before looking over at Anny, who appeared to be trying to stuff half a loaf of bread into his mouth. “Anny hasn’t really been around the Princess all that much,” she said, with more than a hint of worry in her voice, “she either says that she’s too busy or she’s caught a cold whenever we go up and try to see her.”

Cadence and Luna shared looks while Twilight carried on.

“So Anny’s been around Fleur and Blueblood most of the time, whether they’re working out or just goofing off”--she frowned--“Fleur won’t stop harassing Anny the whole time she’s with him too, giving him kissy faces and cuddling up next to him…”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Thou sound a little jealous, Twilight,” she said curiously, “dost thou fancy young Antaeus?”

Twilight blinked before rapidly shaking her head. “No no, of course not!” she said, trying to keep her voice at an acceptable level and leaning toward them. “I just want the princess and Anny to be—“

Cadence let out a little huff. “Speak of the mare, and she will appear,” she murmured, pointing at who was now walking toward Anny.

Twilight and Luna looked over, both of them frowning. “Should we go and direct her away from Anny?” Twilight asked no one on particular.

Luna shrugged, taking a sip of her drink. “We would advise against that,” she told the unicorn. “If what you told us is true, then those two spending a few minutes together will not hurt anything.” With a grunt, she rose from her seat. “Now if you’ll excuse us, there appears to be a dance floor with our name on it.”

@~~@@~~@

To even the untrained eye, Fleur’s dress could easily be described as a masterpiece. Made from a spider silk that was ten times its worth on gold, the dress was designed to be completely over the top. The dress itself, a slim and simply cut little number made by a master dressmaker from the Gryphon Empire, was decked out in blue diamonds, so if there was any light anywhere it would look like Fleur was shining.

Yes, from her horseshoes to the mare herself, Fleur could have dropped off the face of the earth knowing that on this night she truly stood out and looked like a goddess of grace and beauty. The problem was, she couldn’t even enjoy the looks that the nobles and servants alike were giving her she was so wrapped up with trotting toward Anny.

Oh, dressed to kill tonight I see, she thought, taking a second to watch him inhale his food with a dreamy sigh. The work seems familiar… made by that mare down in Ponyville perhaps? Or—

“Fleur, darling, it is oh so good to see you!”

Fleur’s eye twitched as she turned toward a fat, and slightly drunk-looking, stallion, who was standing a little too close to her for her taste.

“You and I must-urk!”

With a roll of her eyes, she walked past him, swatting in the face with her tail. “être allé ravageurs, “ she said, not bothering to look at his stunned expression. “I have bigger fish to fry than the likes of you.”

She put on her best smile as she trotted toward her future—hopefully by tonight, if everything went well—colt friend. “Anny, darling! Look at you, all dressed up!”

Anny stopped inhaling his food and looked over his shoulder, a small frown coming to his face when he saw the mare, not that she noticed. “Oh, hi Fleur,” he said, covering what little distance there was and standing a few feet from her. “You’re looking nice.”

Fleur resisted the urge to laugh out loud. I’d prefer it if he told me I was ‘stunning’ or ‘radiant’ but I suppose that that will have to do. Standing slightly on her face hooves, she leaned up and gave the human a kiss on each of his cheeks, Anny—though a little reluctantly—returning them.

While Fleur knew for a fact that the Prench people didn’t have a greeting like that, she wasn’t going to be the one to correct him on it. “And how is my favorite human, hm?”

Anny’s smile shrunk a little bit. “Oh, I was just getting something to eat,” he said, sounding a little distant. “Hey, is Celestia walking around yet? I’ve been wanting to see if she’s alright, since she hadn’t been coming to our workouts or anything, you know?”

Fleur’s smile suddenly became a little forced. “Oh, I’m sure she’ll be around in a little while,” she told him, patting his leg. “Now why don’t you come and sit down with a lonely mare; I think you and I need to mingle, chat together, eat!.”

Anny cocked his head. “And what do you want to talk about, Fleur?”
Fleur grinned mischievously. “That would be telling, no?” She nudged him. “Come, come, I’m sure that Blueblood still has seats for the two of us.”

Step Ten... [REDACTED]
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Ten... [REDACTED]

For longer than anypony could remember, Princess Celestia had never worn any other finery except her royal regalia. In a city where the nobles would have a new wardrobe every week if they could help it, this had been considered odd since Celestia had taken the throne. Being the “helpful” ponies that they were, the nobility had tried, time and again, to get the princess to wear something else.

Some ponies would even go so far as to slave over their sewing machines, using the finest materials that money could buy, each master clothes maker praying to whatever god that they thought would hear them that the princess would be seen wearing their designs. But in the end they all would walk away disappointed because every day Celestia would wear the same crown, horseshoes, and chest plate that she had worn for fifteen hundred years.

Because of this, there were many, many rumors circulating about the princess and her lack of tact and frilliness. Some said that she couldn’t take her regalia off even if she wanted to; a curse placed on the armor forcing her to wear them every second of every day. Others would say that her finery was crafted by someone close to the princess and she wore the gift to remember them by. And there were others that just said she liked her crown, horse shoes, and chest plate, so she just wore them every day.

If her silly ponies would have simply asked their princess instead of making up insane theories she would just have told them that she liked to wear her spiffy get up. “It is just enough finery for me to look the part,” she’d say with a smile, “and I really don’t find today’s fashions as enthralling as you do, my little pony,” she might add with a chuckle.

But just because she almost never wore fancy dresses or pearl necklaces didn’t mean she didn’t have a dress or two of a piece of jewelry that would catch the eye; in fact, she had almost a closet full of them (not one under five hundred years old) but they were only used for very special occasions. So, with butterflies flying around in her stomach, Celestia decided to bite the bullet and consider this night to be of the very special variety; being that she may or may not lose a friend tonight, depending on how Anny was going to take what she was going to say.

Throwing open her over-sized closet, Celestia was met with a roomful of utter masterpieces, dresses and finery and jewels made from some of the greatest craftsmen and women in the history of Equus, and, because of a simple spell that she had cast on the room so long ago, every article of clothing was in perfect condition.

To her right was a gown claw-stitched by Hightlier, a gryphon whose clothes lead to three civil wars. To her left was a summer dress created by Hand Stitched, who spent over thirty years financially ruining himself and alienating friends, family, and loved ones to make it for her.

On and on and on and on Celestia could have looked at each and every one of these dresses and see the hours of blood, sweat, and tears that had been put into them. These things all around her were art that you could wear, masterpieces that had and have determined the fashion of the world. They deserved respect, from the one wearing them to those that were lucky enough to see them being worn; which, consequently, was the exact opposite of what Celestia did.

I’mgoingtobelateI’mgoingtobelate, she thought, rushing inside the room, grabbing every dress that was in magic’s reach, and teleporting them into her bed. Bulldozing through her coffee table—which, oddly enough, was just one that she had bought at a flea market years ago—she threw off her crown, horseshoes, and chest plate so she could see what she was working with.

“Mirror, I need a mirror!”

With another burst of magic, a mirror as tall as her and twice as wide appeared before her, showing the alicorn just how frazzled that she had gotten herself. Her mane and tail were out of place, she had worry lines on her worry lines, and her eye twitched every so often, truly giving her the classic look of a mad pony that she was sure her sister would get a kick out of.

“I only have ten minutes, I ONLY HAVE TEN MINUTES!”

A pearl white dress trimmed with the finest fire-red rubies was given a once over and tossed off the bed like it was a hunk of trash, a fall ball Victorian dress that had been spun from ice spider silk was ripped in half after a moments frustration, and many, many ponies, gryphons, minotaurs, and other people who had been dead for longer than most could remember were quietly rolling in their graves at what the sun princess was doing to their babies.

“I can’t be late! Everypony will think something’s wrong and then Anny might leave andthenIwouldn’tgettotellwhenwhat’s—“

It had been a long, long, long, loooooonnnnnnnnnggggggg time since Celestia had felt this level of panic; something that no villain, no world ending imminent disaster had ever made her feel. It was almost ironic that one of the first things to truly scare Celestia, a princess who emphasized friendship as one of the most important things in a pony’s life, was the thought of losing someone that was truly dear to her, someone who she could honestly call a friend, just because of her selfishness, cowardliness, short-sightedness; you name it, Celestia thought she had done it to Anny at the moment.

But, even in the face of disaster, a princess had to be graceful (at least when ponies were looking) in the face of danger, so with five minutes, twenty ruined dresses, a broken chair, table, vase, and #1 princess coffee mug, Celestia was dressed and ready to pay the piper.

…Probably…

You are Princess Celestia: Lady of the Sun, Sol Invictus. You have faced down monsters born from pits of madness and horror, you’ve kept your people safe and happy and free from war for over a thousand years. You can tell Anny what YOU NEED TO BUCKING TELL HIM!

Taking a deep, deep breath, she slowly trotted to and opened the door. “Alright,” she muttered, “it’s time to go mingle with some ponies, get something to eat, and go do… what needs to be done.”

&~~~&

Anny had always strived to look whoever he spoke to or whoever was speaking to him in the eye. It made one look respectful, he liked to think, and it showed someone that you were paying attention to what they were saying. No matter how boring or terrible or dry the conversation, he tried his very best to look him or her in the eye and appear interested.

Usually.

Right now though, he was cradling his head on one of his hands, toying with his half empty glass, as Fleur talked and talked and talked - what about, he had no idea, though Blueblood looked like he was hanging onto every word she said.

And let’s just not think about the puppy dog looks he keeps giving her, Anny thought with a smile, his eyes slowly scanning the party. Sure, she’s pretty and all, Blue, but… Anny remembered that he was trying to court a princess.

…Actually, never mind, you do you, Blue…. All you need to do his man up and tell her.

He was seated around a group of boring nobles at an admittedly boring party and he was going to be there for a lot longer. Why couldn’t have Celestia just answered my letters? Anny thought, his mood souring slightly when he thought of the mare. He could only hope that she would tell why she had been cooped up in her castle for so long… And she wasn’t keeping herself in there because of him.

Even though he was someone that had very little experience in dating, he could tell when someone was actively avoiding him, which led to him questioning himself about everything. Sure, he was able to keep up a strong front when he was around the Sparkle family but he was still riddled with the beginnings of doubt. Is Celestia really not interested? Was he pushing her too hard? Was he doing something wrong?

…Should he just give up and go home?

…No, everything will be alright, he thought, looking down and noticing that he was holding onto his glass so hard that it was starting to crack. She’ll say that she had to get some princess work done and she really didn’t want to stay away from everyone and—

“Anny, are you alright there?”

Anny wrenched his gaze away from his glass to look at a concerned Blueblood.

“Oh, what did you say, Blue? I was a million miles away,” Anny said, looking around and noticing that Fleur had gone to mingle with some of the nobles.

Blueblood cocked his head at the human, a small frown appearing on his face. “I just asked you if you were alright, Anny,” the prince said, touching Anny’s shoulder. “You looked like you were in pain for a moment.”

Anny waved him off, a fake smile coming to his face. “Oh, I was just thinking about how boring this party is,” he joked, nudging Blueblood with an elbow. “I don’t know how you’re able to do this all the time.”

The prince gave him a lingering look before a smile worked its way into his face. “Oh, it isn’t that bad,” he said. “If you spend enough time coming to these than you learn to drown out the drabble.”

Anny’s grin became genuine. “And it helps that you get to look a Fleur all night, huh?”

And just like that Blueblood lit up like a Hearth’s Warming Eve tree. “What are you—well you see--,” Blueblood stuttered, trying think of something to say before sighing and looking down at the table.

“…Don’t tell Fleur, please,” he whimpered.

Anny patted his back. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Blue,” he told the stallion, leaning closer toward him, “you’re my bro.”

Blueblood smiled. “Thank you, Anny, that means a lot.”

“Not that it’s really any of my business, but why don’t you just tell her, Blue? You two seem pretty close.”

The prince looked to his left and then to his right, and, seeing that no one was close enough to do any good eavesdropping, he leaned forward and whispered, “I’ve been trying, for years, but every time I work up the courage…” He desperately looked over at Fleur, who was in the middle of a group of nobles who appeared to be hanging on her every word. “I just… freeze.”

Anny patted him on the back again. “Take advice from a guy who, up until a few weeks ago, wasn’t even interested in love, that it’d be worth it to tell her.” Once again, Anny looked around for his favorite pony princess. “…It’ll be worth it in the end…”

&~~~%

“Announcing, Princess Celestia!”

Celestia couldn’t help but wince as her announcer cried out her name. She winced even more when everypony in the garden turned to look at her.

Oh by all that is holy, please let me fit this dress, she thought, a mask of confidence coming to her face as her subjects gasped and started whispering to each other at the sight of their princess in a dress. A hot, uncomfortable, itchy, and hard to move around in dress, but in a dress still.

Why didn’t I just put on the yellow sundress? Everypony looks good in a sundress and a hat! Or maybe— Her eyes widened when she saw Anny, who was sitting next to her nephew, was staring at her like she was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

After seeing his expression, she couldn’t help but mentally hoof pump into the air. Hah, it looks like all of that workout out actually has some benefit after all!

&~~~$

“Announcing, Princess Celestia!”

Anny sat up in his seat, his eyes widening as he looked around. It looks like she’s finally here, he thought, a mixture of excitement and nervousness welling inside him. Now I can go and—

“…Oh sweet Faust, will you look at her,” Blueblood murmured, his mouth wide open as he looked a little off to the left.

Anny frowned. “Whatcha looking at Bl—Oh…”

Everything that he thought he was going to ask or tell Celestia when he saw her evaporated once he got a good look at the princess, who was calmly looking around the garden with her usual air of majesty. Just like the majority of the stallions (and more than a few of the mares) that had attended the party, the only thing that Anny could do was look at the beautified princess.

Her usually free flowing mane had been curled and bobby-pinned into a tasteful hairdo, she was wearing a simple but very cute light blue gown with a set of matching shoes and she had a pearl necklace tied around her neck to finish it all up. It was almost jarring to see the princess, who was naturally beautiful like she usually was, all prim and proper, but boy was she breathtaking.

…Wow, Anny thought, slowly closing his jaw with his hand, and almost managing to close his mouth too, but then the princess looked over at him and smiled, so his jaw went right back down onto the floor where it belonged.

“Anny,” Blueblood hissed, nervously eyeing Fleur, whose eye was starting to twitch. “will you please stop gawking at my aunt?”

“…No,” Anny muttered, his heart leaping into his throat when he noticed that Celestia was slowly starting to shuffle towards him. She’s coming this way! Shescomingthisway!

“Good evening, my little ponies,” the white alicorn said, weaving through the stock-still crowd of nobles. “It is a lovely outside tonight, is it not?” A little smile graced Celestia’s lips as many a noble shook themselves out of their stupor (or were hit by their wives on a few occasions) and tried to get back to chatting with their neighbors.

Without realizing it, Anny’s hands were already straightening his coat and tie. Leaning over towards Blueblood, he whispered, “Blue, how do I look?”

“Oh, Anny, there you are!” Anny almost fell out of his chair as the smiling face of Fleur invaded his vision.

“Oh there you are, Fleur,” Anny said, resisting the urge to raise an eyebrow when he saw the supermodel’s eye twitch. “How are you finding the party?”

With a giggle, Fleur sat next to him. “Oh, it is that same as it always is, my dear,” she said with a little swoon. “My dress is pulled by every stallion that has had too much punch, I ignore wives’ glares, and I make idle chit-chat.”

Anny sighed. “Why couldn’t we have had this party at a bowling alley?”

Fleur bit her lip to keep from bursting out laughing. “Oh? And why would we go to one of those establishments?” she asked, looking toward Blueblood and waving a single hoof. Blueblood nodded and went to start the first step of the plan.

Anny looked over and saw that Celestia was being swarmed by nobles. “Well, we all could have had fun for on—“

Fleur let of a quiet squee as the beginnings of a slow song boomed throughout the garden. “Oh, the dancing is about to start,” she said, her eyes shining. “Anny, ma chérie, would you be a dear and be the first to dance with me this night?”

Anny frowned. “I don’t know, Fleur,” he said, shrinking in his chair, “I’m not much of a dancer… In fact, I’ve been told that I have two left feet.” Looking around he spotted Blueblood, who was in the front of all of the musicians. “Why don’t you go over there and dance with Blueblood? He looks like he could use some company.”

A tiny whine escaped Fleur’s throat. “Please, Anny?” she begged, giving him puppy dog eyes. “You are one of the few stallions that is big enough for me to dance with comfortably!”

“I don’t even know how to dance with a pony, Fleur,” Anny said, reaching down for his punch. “I’m more likely to hurt you than to spin you around and—“

Fleur whined again, making him groan.

“Alright, alright,” he grumbled, getting out of his chair. “But don’t forget I warned you, so if we look like morons or one of us gets hurt it’s not my fault…”

Grinning hugely, Fleur grabbed Anny’s sleeve with her magic and started to drag him to the dance floor. “Oh don’t you worry, Anny,” she purred, her smile becoming predatory, “I am quite the dancer myself, so I will help you pick it up as we get along.” She looked over her shoulder at him. “Now why don’t you and I go out and make some memories, mon ami?”

&~~~@

“Oh my princess, you look ever so lovely in that dress! May I be so bold as to ask where you acquired it from? You see, my niece is having this—“

Celestia looked to her left, then to her right, before sighing in irritation. Will you all just please move? she thought in irritation. I would much prefer if you all would bother me some other time, thank you very much.

The nobles, not being mind readers, continued to hound the poor sun princess, trying to make up for lost time of brownnosing the ever-loving heck out of her. Where did she get her dress? My did she look beautiful! May I be the first luck stallion to take you to the dance floor, my princess? Questions after questions after questions were dumped into her preverbal lap and she didn’t like it in the least.

But, since a princess does not tell her subjects to buck off, she stood there and dealt with it like a big filly… Even though she really didn’t want to. Just smile and nod your head, she thought, using her distinct height advantage to see where Anny had run off to.

He’s not by the food… He’s not near any tables that I can see… Is he—Celestia’s eyes widened when she saw Fleur dragging the human onto the dance floor just as the music turned from lively to slow and loving.

…I need to get over there, she suddenly thought, looking around for a second before buckling down and slowly starting to push through her subjects to get to the dance floor.

“Blueblood, honey,” she called. “Could you come over here and talk to your dear aunt for a moment?” I need somepony to help me get away from these nobles!

&~~~#

“Alright, Anny,” Fleur brightly said, looking up at the man. “Now give me a moment to see how I am going to adjust towards your… stature, then we can begin dancing.”

I thought you said you were a good dancer, Anny thought, giving her a weak nod and smile. I thought that meant that you knew how to dance with bipeds!

A dance floor was not a place where Anny cared to go if he could help it, and it showed. The human kept his gaze low to the ground, he was scratching his arm nervously, and he couldn’t help but feel like every eye in the garden was looking at him, judging.

This is just like what happened at prom, he thought, desperately trying not to run off the dance floor. The next thing that gonna happen is I’ll be in the bathroom throwing up for the next hour because someone spiked the punch!

Fleur wasn’t helping him any, the mare slowly circling him while humming to herself. “Alright,” she said, standing in front of him with a smile, “I think I’ve figured it out!” With the slightest of grunted, Fleur rose to her back legs and took a step forward. Using Anny to balance herself, she wrapped her forelegs around his neck. “Now, Anny, if you’d be a dear and hold my sides so I you can keep me from tripping over myself…”

Anny, shrugging, did as the mare asked, bringing her a little bit closer so she could lean up against him a little more. Fleur practically purred, her head resting on Anny’s shoulder. “Good, good, now just follow my lead. I will go slow for you at first but we will be speeding up by the third or fourth song.”

“Alright, Fleur, you just keep us moving and I’ll make sure neither of us fall over,” Anny replied.

You know, I may not even need Celestia’s help tonight, Fleur thought, slowly stepping to the right, Anny following her lead. How romantic would it be if, after all of this dancing, I lean over and kiss the silly man on the lips and tell him I love him? Fleur’s face became uncomfortably red, though, luckily, Anny couldn’t see her blush since he was too busy keeping from looking like a moron.

Like she had promised, Fleur started out slow, humming along with the music as she gently turned and circled and moved with Anny, who was trying his hardest to keep up with her. Luckily for him their first song was a slow, pattern-heavy, almost sleepy song, so the human could get acquainted with his equine dance partner.

The next song was paced a little quicker, with the cello and violin leading the other instruments. Anny was forced to turn in slow but tight circles before Fleur used one of his arms to lean herself towards the ground. With every little mess up, Fleur would gently point out of mistakes and move herself in such a way (or use a simple spell) to give Anny’s body the best chance of doing what his mind wanted to do.

“Very good, Anny,” she breathlessly said while he hiked her back into his arms, “but now the music’s tempo will start to pick up, I’m afraid.”

The next song did just that, a group of trumpets sounding off in an almost jazzy sort of way, forcing a slightly panting Anny to spin a giggling Fleur up and around the air. Why is dancing so hard? he thought, swinging the supermodel between his legs, throwing her into the air, and catching her all in the span of a second.

“Just like that Antaeus!” Fleur praised, keeping a firm eye on the human’s movements. “You, as they say, are a natural.”

Anny smiled when he snuck a peek outside of his dancing circle. All around the edges of the dance floor were ponies, each and everyone of them watching him and Fleur in nothing less than shocked awe. Each and every one of these ponies had stopped their eating, their talking, their dancing, to watch the two of them shuffle around the floor. Not because he was different, not because they were getting ready to laugh of mock him, but because of their rhythm and flow and grace.

They weren’t a pony and a human at that moment, but one being made up of two parts, parts that helped and balances and made the other better at what they were doing, it is honestly almost brought tears to the human’s eyes.

Fleur, Anny came to realize, was right when she said she was a very good dancer. She was able to turn him, a guy that had trouble doing the chicken dance, into a pretty decent dancer.

Well, I never thought this places cooky magic would ever get to me, he mused to himself, appreciating, for a moment, the way Fleur’s eyes sparkled in the light, but I guess when you live in a place where magic makes ponies break into song every five minutes, it stands to reason that I’d be able to instantly learn how to dance when I needed to.

Laughing quietly, he dipped Fleur towards the floor before pulling her up again. Looking her in the eye, Anny gave her a final, happy little spin, before setting her back down on all fours, taking a step away from her, and sighing hugely.

“Boy, that was a lot funner than I thought it was going to be,” he said, right before every pony in the garden starting cheering.

“Well, done!”

“Did you seen them move!”

“Meh, if I stood on two legs I’d be able to dance like that too…”

Anny and Fleur bowed to their audience. “I told you I was a fine dancer, Anny,” Fleur teased, nudging him.

Anny laughed quietly. “You weren’t wrong, Fleur,” he said, giving her a little pat on the head which she seemed to enjoy, “You’re a pretty great dancer.”

Fleur nodded. “You were far better than you led me to believe, Anny,” she complimented, giving him a quick look over. “Now, how would you like to go again?” She nudged her head to the musicians. “I could go and ask them to put on a different song or…”

All around them, ponies were coming back into the dance floor with a partner, most of them hoping to try some of the dance moves that they had just seen. Anny, noticing that someone had all but thrown Blueblood in his direction, grabbed the dazed stallion and put him in front of Fleur.

“Actually, Fleur, I’m kinda pooped,” he said apologetically, “you had me out there for a while. But how about you dance with Blue? He was telling me for about an hour how much he wanted to show you his dance moves.”

Blueblood looked up at him, a bit of pink creeping onto his white cheeks. “I-I never--”

Smiling, Anny shoved the two together, Fleur gawking and Blueblood looking like he wanted to go crawl into a corner, before starting for the tables. “You two have fun, I’m gonna go and sit down for a little bit; catch my breath and all of that jazz!”

Laughing to himself, Anny lost himself in the crowd (as much as he could, towering over most ponies and all). I wonder if Cadence is running around here with Shining? he thought, dodging and weaving through ponies. I’d like to see if those two could boogie or--

“Hello Anny.”

The world seemed to freeze as the calm and gentle voice carried over the crowd of voices and the music and made its way into his ears. Turning around, he was greeted by the sight he had been waiting for and dreading since he had gotten to this party: a smiling Princess Celestia. Said alicorn looked even lovelier up close, her dress and pearls shimmering in the moonlight.

Hey, dummy, you need to stop staring at her like an idiot and say something! Awkwardly clearing his throat, Anny smiled at the princess.

“Hello, Celestia how--urk!”

Anny had to brace himself as the princess burst forward, tackling him in the tightest and softest hug that he had experienced this month. “I missed you, my little human,” Celestia whispered, nuzzling his cheek.

Anny wrapped his arms around her neck. “I missed you too, Celestia,” he whispered back, closing his eyes and smiling.

“I saw your little stunt with Fleur a few moments ago,” Celestia casually said, not bothering to break the hug.

“You did huh?” Anny chuckled. “How did I do?”

Celestia gave his neck another nuzzle. “You were fantastic,” she praised, looking him up and down. “I didn’t know you were strong enough to throw Fleur around like you did.”

Anny shrugged. “It was kinda a spur of the moment thing,” he told him, not noticing all of the looks that the two were getting, “but it was actually a lot funner than I thought it was going to be. It was pretty exhausting, but I’d do it again.”

With a tinge of regret, Celestia broke the hug and looked Anny right in the eye. “So you wouldn’t mind taking me around the dance floor for a song or two?” she asked, looking unsure of herself for a second.

Anny was instantly going to give her a heck yes but he controlled himself. I still want to know why she locked herself in the castle for so long, he thought, trying to work up his courage. “Actually, Celestia, could I ask you about something first?” he asked, almost apologising when he was the alicorn’s hopeful face fall. “I just wanted to know what’s going on… with you….” he waved his hands around. “...Why you hid in the castle… and all of that stuff… If that’s alright with you that is.”

The princess sighed, a resigned look coming to her face. “...I do owe you that much,” she admitted, looking away from him in guilt, “and I promise that you will get your answers before the night is over, but…” she looked at him desperately, “Could just the two of us dance for a song or two… Please?”

The desperation in her face hit the human like a punch in the gut. Before he could stop himself, his arms were wrapped back around her neck with his cheek rubbing up against hers. “Alright,” he said,” we can dance, for as long as you want, but I still want my answers afterwards, alright?”

When he broke the hug the giddiness that she saw on Celestia’s face almost made him laugh, and he had to bite the inside of his cheek hard to keep himself from doing it. Giving the mare a little bow and stretching out his hand, she asked, “Celestia, may I have this dance?”

Giggling to herself, Celestia put a hoof in his hand and let him lead her toward a less crowded part of the dance floor.

Anny looked her up and down before spreading his arms wide. “I think you need to get up on two legs, Celestia,” he said, suddenly looking unsure. “And I hope that you’re a good dancer like Fleur was, cause I’m, still a little new to… all of this.”

While Celestia could have told him that, while she had been to many, many balls over the years, she had, in fact, not danced with somepony in a few long while, but she decided to hold her tongue. Dancing is just like flying, she thought to herself, beginning to bring herself up onto her hind legs, I just need to get started to remember how to--

Not used to how her dress clinged into her lower body or her slightly bigger than she would have liked horseshoes, the moment she rose up onto her back legs three things happened:

One, there was a loud rip and the bottom half of the alicorn’s dress ripped down the middle. Two, Celestia slowly began to close her footing and began to panic, her wings unfurling and her eyes bugging out in her head while she gasped in surprise. And thirdly, Crimson Shores, a pony who had been buried three centuries prior slowly started to scream in rage in the afterlife, the majority of her curses centered around a certain alicorn who needed to lose some weight.

“Oh horseapples,” Celestia muttered, trying to catch herself while she flailed around wildly, “Why did I have to wear this stupid--”

His own face lit up in panic, Anny rushed forward. “I got you, Princess!” he said, trying to grab her and tripping in the process.

Over two hundred ponies had a front row seat to watch their esteemed ruler fall on top of their resident alien, the two hitting the ground hard and ending up in a mess of hooves, legs, and wings.

Luna, who had been watching the whole thing next to a dance partner she may or may not have stolen, snorted.

“Way to go, Sister,” she called, trying not to laugh, “thou hast shown the nobility of thy grace and majesty!”

It took some maneuvering but Anny was able to pull the big alicorn off of his chest so he could breath. “Well, this dance is going to be interesting,” he wheezed, trying to get some air into his poor lungs.

Her face as red as could be, Celestia rolled off Anny and onto her feet. “Anny,” she shouted in worry, lifting him to his feet with her magic. “I’m sorry!!! Did I hurt you? Come, let’s get you to the--”

With a sigh and a grin, Anny clamped her mouth shut with a hand. Gently reaching down, he pulled her upward and wrapped her forelegs around his shoulders so she could balance herself. Putting his hands on her sides to help her further, he looked up at the blushing princess and said, “How about we take this slow, alright?”

“I fell on you hard, Antaeus,” Celestia protested, trying to wiggle herself back onto all fours. “Just let me get a look at you so I can see if you’re alright and--”

Anny looked up at the now much taller princess. “Celestia, calm down,” he said calmly, trying to look like the fall hadn’t hurt, “I’m fine. Now, come on.” He started to slowly shuffle her around. “There you go, let me work my crazy new human dancing magic and just calm down; ponies are staring.”

The alicorn took a deep breath and willed herself to look around, wincing at what she saw that the music had stopped and everyone was looking at her in panic.

“...I may have jumped the gun when I asked you to dance, Anny,” she whispered, adjusting her footing so she could take a bit of her weight off of the human’s shoulders.

Anny patted her side and gave her a smile, albeit a nervous one.

“We’ll be alright.”

He looked out at the crowd. “You guys might want to watch out for any flying wings of elbows though,” he told the nobles, getting chuckles out of the group as they all slowly began to look toward their partners.

Anny looked back at Celestia as the music picked back up.

“Alright, ready Princess?”

Celestia nodded, Anny letting her take a deep breath before he slowly started stepping to the left.

For the first few songs, Anny and Celestia’s movements were slow, awkward, and jerky, but as the songs changed, they slowly grew accustomed to each other. With every accidental dump of smack with the wing, Celestia apologized, her face etched with a nervous happiness that she had not felt for many, many years. With every bump that he was given, Anny could forgive his friend, an understanding smile as he kindly helped her through each step, all the while mentally shaking his head at this world’s crazy magic.

Song after song the two’s movements became more fluid, more confident. While Anny could never pick up or toss around the princess like he could with Fleur or a normal pony, and while Celestia was almost a foot taller than him standing up like she was, the two were smiling hugely.

Just like with Fleur, Anny could feel the connection between him and Celestia that every one who was dancing with a partner. It was a bond, physical and almost spiritual, that had an amazingly simplicity to it.

Anny helped Celestia whenever it looked like she was going to fall and Celestia helped keep Anny’s movements smooth while also making sure that she wasn’t weighing him down too much. They were one singular being, like Anny had been before, and while their movement didn’t feel as smooth and they may have looked silly dancing like they were, but it felt right, and that’s all that mattered.

Anny closed his eyes, letting Celestia lead their little dance. “It’s nice to see you again, Princess,” he said, dipping her toward the floor before pulling her back up. ...Lets not do that again, I almost popped my arms out of their sockets doing that…

Celestia’s smile reached ear to ear for a moment before it fell away. “I’m sorry for keeping you away for so long,” she said quietly, her forelegs tightening around the human’s neck, “and I’m sorry for what I have done to you.”

Ignoring Anny’s confused look, she broke the hung and too a few steps away from him. “Excuse me,” she said aloud, “could I get everypony’s attention for a few moments please?”

Ponies stopped what they were doing and the music halted once again, every eye in the garden on Celestia. She ignored all of the eyes, instead opting to look right into Anny’s, her gaze strong, unwavering, and unflinching.

“My subjects, Antaeus,” she began.

Fleur couldn’t help but grin. I never thought she would get to it, she thought, giving Cadence and Luna a wink before turning around to watch the scene unfold. Now all she needs to do is tell him off and I will be able to swoop in to “save” him…

“I must admit that I, Princess Celestia, Lady of the Sun, Ruler of Equestria, have done a great and horribly selfish and cruel thing!”

Fleur’s smile diminished while, on the other side of the crowd, Luna looked at Cadence and Twilight. “What are you playing at, sister of mine?” she muttered, not seeing Cadence’s giddy smile.

“Shiny, it’s going to happen!”

Shining looked over at his wife, who’s horn was glowing with magic. “What’s happening, Honey?”

Celestia took a step forward toward her human friend. “At first I thought my actions were justified and noble, but as the days, hours, and minutes went by, I began to question my reasons.” She looked away from Anny for a moment before forcing herself to look him in the eye.

“Anny, one of my closest friends,” she smiled bitterly. “Maybe one of my best friends, I have to confess that I no longer deserve your friendship.”

“Celestia, darling,” Fleur called, sensing that this wasn’t going the way she had originally planned, “you look sickly, why don’t you come over here and si--”

“Anny, for the past two months I have tried to push you onto another mare so I could be rid of you.”

The words sounded far more blunt and hurtful now that she had said them out loud, and it almost physically hurt her to see the confusion and beginnings of hurt on Anny’s face, but she forced herself to press on.

“You have been nothing but honest and upfront about your feelings about me, Antaeus. From the very beginning you simply looked me in the eye and told me that you loved me, and that alone shows what kind of person that you are… A better one than me.” Anny looked like he wanted to take a step toward her, but she took a step back from him before he could even move a muscle.

No longer having the strength to look him in the eye, Celestia stared at his feet. “I, on the other hand, have tried to trick and cheat and use you as though you were nothing but my plaything, someone with whom I could play matchup with because I was too afraid of my growing attachment towards you!”

Everyone in the crowd jumped slightly when Celestia stomped her foot down hard, the stone floor cracking under her strength as tears started to stream down her face.

“I have dishonored everything I’ve stood for. How can I claim that my land is one of friendship and tolerance when I look at what I’ve done to my friend?” Choking back a sob, Celestia sat down, still staring at Anny’s shoes. “Y-You may not believe m-me, Anny, but I am sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sure you ha--”

The alicorn froze when she felt arms wrapping around her neck, burying her face against Anny’s chest. “I don’t hate you, Princess,” Anny said quietly, though his voice seemed to echo throughout the garden. “I could never hate you…”

Trying to make himself smile, he brought his hands to her cheeks and used his thumbs to brush her tears away. “Everyone sometimes does things that they wish they could take back, and it’s a friend’s job to forgive them if they’re sorry.” He started gently running his fingers through her mane. “And besides, it’s not like I didn’t push you into…” he stopped and looked around the crowd. “...Trying to hook me up with Fleur… It was Fleur, right?”

Still crying softly to herself, all Celestia could do was nod.

“I was the one that was hounding you every day,” he said sadly. “I was the one that wouldn’t give you a moment’s rest with all of the silly nonsense.” The human let out a pearl of pained laughter. “Heck, I was expecting you to be trying harder to get rid of me.”

Giving her a final squeeze, Anny broke the hug and stepped away from her, looking like he himself was trying to hold back tears. “It wasn’t fair of me to do that to you as a friend, so I’m sorry about putting you through that, Celestia.”

Nodding his head, he turned away from her. “I’m the one that put you through all of this pain,” he said, starting to walk away, “and as your friend I’m not going to do that anymore; I’m going to be the one that hurts you for my silly little crush.” His shoulders slumped for a moment before he straightened them. “I’m going to back home to Ponyville so--”

“NO!”

Faster than anyone at the part could see, Anny was bowled over by a sobbing Celestia, who wrapped her forelegs around his neck and placed her muzzle on his chest. “Please don’t leave me,” she whimpered, staining his jacket with her tears. “I don’t know if I can stand being alone again… P-please don’t go… Please, Anny…”

The two stayed like that for who knows how long, a slightly confused Anny holding a crying Celestia while hundreds of teary-eyed ponies looked down at the two. Finally, the princess’s sobbing turned into whimpers which then turned to sniffles which finally turned into her just laying on top of her friend.

Anny was still running his fingers through Celestia’s hair, enjoying the warmth and presence of his friend. Not a single pony had moved from their spot, every noble, servant, and commoner watching them with baited breath, each and every one of them waiting to see what was going to happen next.

Anny himself barely noticed all the stares, instead looking down at Celestia, who had a pleased smile on her face as she kept her tight grip around his body. Her eyes were still red from crying, and her dress was shredded and muddy, and Anny couldn’t remember the last time he had see her this happy.

Well, this night turned out to be pretty interesting he thought, reaching down and wiping a lingering tear from the princesses face. I guess that Celestia doesn’t want me to leave Canterlot. Trying to wiggle out of the white alicorn’s grasp, he bit his lip to keep from laughing when Celestia’s grip around his waist tightened and she quietly growled. ...Alright, it looks like she doesn’t even want me to move from this spot… That thought made Anny smile as he started to scratch his favorite princesses ears.

All of that hard work, all of that hoping, and it looked like it had worked; he had gotten the Lady of the Sun herself to like-like him. He had gotten this caring, beautiful, and wonderful creature, that at this moment nuzzling herself against his chest, it tell him that she cared for him. To say that Anny was happy was a complete understatement.

Though he was content just lay on the grass like this for a while, a crazier and braver part of his mind came up with an idea, an idea that could either make this night a heck of a lot better or it could ruin it. ... Well, strike when iron’s hot and all of that stuff… Boy I hope this doesn’t blow up in my face…

Keeping his gaze up at the night sky, Anny swallowed thickly and looked down at Celestia, who looked up at him questioningly. Trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach and his rapidly beating heart, he asked, “Princess… now may not be the best time for asking this and all…. but will you go out on a date with me?”

“...Please?” Ponies leaned forward, hopeful looks on their faces as they waited for the Princess’s answer.

The Princess of the Sun continued to look up at the human, her gaze so neutral that Anny was worried that he had just ruined everything…

But then he saw a smile come to her face and new tears come to her eyes.

Chuckling dryly, Celestia nodded. “I’d love to,” she murmured, nuzzling his chest.

All throughout Canterlot, ponies were awoken from their slumber at the shouts of joy that thundered from the castle. It was long and long and happy, with a lot of hat-throwing and hugging, but in their shouting and hooting and hollering, nopony saw a certain Fleur de Lis grit her teeth and storm away from the scene.

You wish to play, Princess? she thought, her mind creeping into darker waters. Fine, then we shall play!

...[Redacted]...
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

...[Redacted]...

Sometimes, if you believe and wish and dream hard enough, all of your dreams will come true. For most people though, dreams don’t cut it, and they have to roll up their sleeves and work hard to get the job done. Sometimes that doesn’t work. Sometimes you have to try again and again to get what you want, sometimes you have to fight your hardest to reach up and grasp it.

Antaeus the human, with the help of his friends, had succeeded where thousands of others had failed. He had stood before the Lady of the Sun and had won. He was going to get his date. And, while this was a pretty big deal for Anny, it was a heck of a lot bigger to other ponies that had been waiting and watching to see what was going to happen.

Canterlot was abuzz with gossip among noble, commoner, and foreigner alike discussing the almost unbelievable news that the Princess of the Sun was finally accepting a suitor. At first, the stories came from the mouths of ponies that had seen the asking and telling at the party, but eventually ponies were getting the story from a pony whose fillyfriend’s mother’s associate heard it from a stallion’s father whose friends happened to hear it from a pair of guards and they happened to tell him and so on and so forth.

Because of this, the story became more and more and more outlandish and fantastic, until a pony would look you in the eye and swear on the grave of his or her grandmother that Anny had had to fight no more than half an army of diamond dogs, a pack of golems led by Star Swirl the Bearded’s ghost, and a feral dragon to win the heart of the princess.

Anny and Celestia, who were both as happy as could be with how the party had turned out, were nonetheless petrified as they watched the city collective reaction blow out of proportion. It wasn’t even the ridiculous stories or the constant hounding that bothered the two either, it was how incredibly fast it had gone from sensible and happy to crazy and outlandish. Though, to be fair, they were in Canterlot, a city that was renowned for latching onto the newest trends or news like a leech on fresh blood.

It also didn’t help that Anny was constantly teased by Velvet and Celestia was starting to get tired of Luna breaking into some foalish song about her and Anny sitting in a tree whenever she saw her, so the two did what they could to stay out of the spotlight.

With the help of Twilight, Anny found a simple cloaking spell that helped him get through the city relatively unnoticed. All he needed to do was let Twilight cast the spell on him and he’d be out the door to do whatever invisible humans needed to do on a regular weekday.

With Celestia it had been a little trickier; she was a ruler who was in constant contact with hundreds of ponies after all. First, she had to prohibit photography of all kinds in the castle, and then she had to double the guard patrols to make sure that this rule, just this rule, was carried out.

After that she had decided to just contact a few reputable journalists and, with Anny’s permission, she just decided to answer all of their questions, hoping against hope that that would nip the problem in the bud. It didn’t, but at least she could look herself on the mirror in the morning and tell herself that she at least tried.

Whenever Anny and Celestia were around each other and away from the prying eyes of the common pony, the two couldn’t help but laugh to themselves when they realized that they were putting more effort into calming down the excitable Canterlotians than they were getting ready for their date. And it was then, when they realized that when Anny asked her out, he had actually asked her out, the two would become flustered and would refuse to look at each other for the next ten minutes.

Anny was in an odd position now that he had gotten what he had worked for months to get. It was like he was the dog that had caught the wagon; he got what he wanted, but now he didn’t know what to do. Celestia, who was basically in the same boat of him, couldn’t even draw on her years of experience as a ruler to help out her sudden shyness. She couldn’t command herself to suck it up, so couldn’t awe herself with some words of wisdom to help herself through the blushing, the nervous giggle, or the butterflies.

That was where Cadence came in, thankfully. The Princess of Love was all too happy to make sure Anny and Celestia would be comfortable with each other, now that they had made their feelings known.

She was the one that would gently get the two to talk to each other. She was there in the gym making sure that nopony heckled or teased or bothered them, all the while helping the two decide where they were going to have their first date.

She couldn’t help but laugh to herself whenever she saw her usually calm, cool, collected, and confident aunt act like a filly with her first crush; though, to be fair, it had been longer than even Celestia knew when the last time the Sun Princess had had a love interest, so it could be forgiven.

Even though she didn’t want to tell anypony “I told you so,” Cadence couldn’t help but be pleased with how everything had turned out. Celestia had found somebody, Anny had found somepony, the two were going to have a great couple of dates (if she had anything to say about it), and there was love and happiness in the air, so she couldn’t help but feel a teeny tiny bit of satisfaction. It was nice to know that you were actually pretty good at your job every once in a while.

Not that Anny didn’t deserve every bit of the credit, but Cadence knew he wouldn’t mind if she said that she was one of the few ponies that believed in what he was doing. All the while helping him turning her aunt into a shimmering, blushing, adorable shadow of her former self, something that Celestia really didn’t appreciate.

She’s SO cute when she blushes though, Cadence couldn’t help but think as she and her Shining made their way through the castle to the royal chambers. But poor Anny looks like he’s going to pass out lately… She couldn’t help but frown to herself. Even though she, Shining, and the rest of the Sparkle family were trying their best to keep the human from stressing himself out, Anny still managed to run himself ragged.

Since he was the one that had asked her out on a date, Anny had decided to figure out where to set up the date himself, which probably wasn’t too good of an idea if what Cadence had seen was any indication.

Luna had to hit him with a sleeping spell the other day, she thought, frowning at how silly Anny was acting. I know that he knows that Aunty Celestia probably won’t care where he takes her, but he just needs to take his mind off it for a day or two…

Nodding to herself, she looked over at her husband. “Shining, did you go to the gym with Anny this morning?” she asked.

Shining looked up at her and nodded. “Yeah, and after that we went out and got my mom some groceries, why?”

“I was thinking that the two of you could go out and go do something tomorrow,” Cadence said as they rounded the corner. “Go fishing or something. Anny looks like he needs a day or two to unwind before his date.”

Shining smiled. “Yeah, I could go and take him to a watering hole that my dad took me to when I was little.” The two made their way toward a pair of giant doors with the insignia of the sun.

“I’ll go out and get you two some fishing rods and worms,” Cadence told him, walking up and knocking on the door. “Now, let’s go and see how our aunt is doing.” Giving Shining on final smile, she firmly knocked on the door. “Aunty, it’s—“

Before either Shining or Cadence could do a thing, the door was thrown open, and they were yanked into the room with a pair of yelps.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Ever since he had landed on this odd rock that so many ponies and other creatures called their home, Anny honestly couldn’t wait for what new adventures Equestria would throw his way.

Sure, living in Ponyville was nice, and he had more excitement in his life than he actually liked, but now, now, he could say that he found someone that he cared about, someone that he liked and who, incredibly, liked him back. If he was lucky, he could be looking forward to having a steady relationship with a princess that he actually liked a whole lot. Twilight had been right; he had been lonely before, but look at him now! Now he had a date with a princess!

…Now he had to make sure he didn’t mess it up.

And he would be doing that, checking to see where the best places would be to take her, but, due to a certain Princess of the Night being concerned with how poorly he was sleeping, and he not wanting her to come down to the Sparkle house to zap him with a sleep spell again, Anny had stopped staying up all night trying to plan out what he was going to do with his favorite princess on their date. Though she hadn’t bothered to come down and zap him with a spell last night, so he was sure that he could get away with staying up and researching all night again.

After a night of “studying” and after going to go work out with Shining and Blueblood, Anny had decided to take a quick power nap so he could recharge his batteries…

Or at least he was trying to…

“Anny.”

“…”

“Anny, stop not paying attention to me; I know that you’re still awake… I can see you twitching.”

“…”

“Anny, if you don’t open your eyes I’m going to go into the bathroom, get a bucket of water, and dump it onto your head.”

With a little sigh, Anny opened his eyes and looked down at Spike. “You know I’m trying to sleep, right Spike?” he asked the young dragon, sitting up on the bed.

Spike huffed. “Well, if you weren’t staying up all night and you’d actually get some sleep, then I wouldn’t have had to wake you up,” Spike retorted with a yawn. “And if I’m not allowed to take any naps during the day or sleep in, you aren’t either.”

Muttering to himself about purple dinosaurs, Anny rolled off the bed and stretched. Rubbing his eyes, he asked, “Hey, Spike, what time is it?”

“About nine o’clock.”

Anny’s frown grew. “That’s not that late in the day, Spike. What the heck did you wake me up for?”

Looking up at the taller and bigger man like he was half of his size, Spike shrugged. “Well, Twilight woke me up to tell you that there’s somepony at the door that wants to talk to you.”

Anny looked Spike up and down. “You’re yelling at me because I was sleeping in when you were sleeping in?”

With a grunt, Spike hopped onto the bed and laid his head down on the pillow. “Hey, I never said that I wasn’t a hypocrite,” he said, yawning and throwing the covers over himself.

Anny pinched the bridge of his nose while also trying to keep himself from laughing. “Can you at least tell me who’s at the door?”

“No idea. Twilight didn’t sound like she was happy with whoever was at the door though.”

Throwing a shirt on, Anny made his way to the door. “Well, thanks for waking me up and not telling me anything, Spike,” he said, a teasing tone in his voice.

Spike just lifted a claw and waved it at him dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, just make sure to tell everypony that I’m not here.”

“I’ll make sure to do that,” the human lied, knowing exactly who would ab-sol-utely love to get into bed and snuggle with her baby again for an hour or two.

He quickly made sure that he didn’t look like he hadn’t just gotten out of bed by running his fingers through his hair. Snapping his fingers and pointing at himself in the bathroom mirror, Anny made his way down the stairs and toward the front door to see a grumpy Twilight Sparkle, who looked like she was trying to bore a hole in the door with a glare.

The mare was hunched over, her wings twitching in irritation as she huffed and puffed and muttered something under her breath that Anny couldn’t quite catch.

“…Twilight, you alright there?” Anny asked, deciding to keep a safe distance from the mare in case she was having another one of her ‘episodes’.

The purple mare snorted angrily. “I can’t believe she had the nerve to come here,” she muttered in rage. “She should know that Anny wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her!”

Anny looked over at the door curiously. “Who’s at the door, Twilight?” he tried to ask but was once again ignored by the angry Twilight Sparkle.

“I swear, if I wasn’t a princess--”

“Twilight, could you please stop talking to yourself for a second?”

“I’d buck her so hard in the face that not even magic would fix her—“

“You’re not going to pay attention to me, are you?” Anny asked the bookworm, who just continued to huff and mutter to herself.

Man, I wonder who’s got Twilight in such a tizzy, Anny thought, sidestepping the mare and reaching for the door. I haven’t seen her this mad since Spike accidently placed all of the books in the library alphabetically by title name…

Looking back at her for a second to see if she was still sitting on her rump looking angry, Anny opened the door….

“Oh, bonjour, Anny,” Fleur (who looked like somebody had put her through the ringer, a meat grinder, and then lit her on fire) said, smiling weakly as a surprised Anny looked down at her.

$@##@$

…Well, at least he does not look as angry as Ms. Sparkle did when she opened the door, Fleur thought optimistically as Anny stared down at her. In fact, he doesn’t look angry at all…

After the fiasco that had been the party, Fleur had stormed to her house and promptly smashed over five thousand bits’ worth of vases throughout her house. True, that had been extremely unladylike of her and half of the nobility in Canterlot would have exploded (figuratively and literally) if they had heard or had seen her doing that, but in her defense she had just witnessed months of planning fall away into nothingness right before her very eyes.

Celestia had gotten her hopes up that there was a good stallion just ready for her to snatch up, she found that Anny actually was a good stallion-- a better stallion and gentlemen than most stallions in fact-- she had fooled herself into becoming emotionally attached to the man, she was about to confess to him that she liked-liked him and BOOM, Celestia goes and takes everything back.

Even for the most ladylike and elegant mares, something like this would naturally rub them in all the wrong ways.

After breaking all of the vases in her house, and calming down slightly and apologizing to Jeeves about the mess she made, Fleur had then did the next thing most mares liked to do when their crush starts going out with somepony else. Retreating into her bedroom, she turned on her projector, grabbed as many buckets of ice cream that she could carry, and went to town with a romantic movie marathon, all the while crying her eyes out and cursing her bad luck.

Time and again, a servant had been sent to her mansion to tell her that Celestia wanted to speak to her, but Fleur had them all sent away. She was not in the emotional state to talk to the one that had taken her man, and she was sure that the Princess of the Sun just wanted to see her face-to-face so she could rub it in her face even more.

Well, this was how she wanted it? Fine, Fleur could play the game as well as any mare, and unlike Celestia, she was willing to play dirty to get her man.

It had taken a day or two for her to work up the courage to be at the front door of the Sparkle house this morning. She had been so nervous about the whole thing that she had forgotten to put on her makeup to clean and brush her coat and mane, so she knew for a fact that she wasn’t looking her best right now.

Oh, I must look horrid! Why did I forget, of all things, to make myself presentable for—

As Fleur had her mental freak out, Anny leaned on the door frame, peering down at the mare with a smile.

“Oh, hello, Fleur,” he said brightly, forcing Fleur out of her thought, “did you need something?”

The whole morning and the night before she had gone over what she wanted to say to Anny. Her little speech was just under four minutes long (she had timed herself, twice) and it was as heartfelt and loving as she could make it and she had been assured by Jeeves that it would have won Anny over in a minute. And, as she looked up at the man, that speech, and anything else that she wanted to say, just seemed to vanish from her mind.

“W-Well, you see,” she began, already flustered and knocked off balance by Anny’s friendliness, “I w-wanted to tell… to tell you something! Oui! I came here today so I could tell you something, Anatues.”

Anny raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “Alright,” he said, “what was it?”

…And now she was a thousand times more flustered. Oh sweet Celestia, am I blushing?! she thought, horrified, looking down at her hooves in horror. I shouldn’t be blushing! I’m only going to tell this stallion that I love him and I’mgoingtolookridicliousandhe’sjustgonetosaynoand—

“Fleur… you alright there?”

Fleur’s eyes widened in panic. I need to say something, Ineedtosaysomething!!! “I’m in love with Celestia!” she blurted out, her face cherry-red as she looked up at him and panted like she had just ran a marathon.

Anny blinked at the news. “…Alright,” he said slowly. “That’s great and all but I don’t think that the Princess swings that way…”

Fleur gasped when she realized what she had said, her hooves flying to her mouth. “Oh mon Dieu, A-Anny, I didn’t mean that I—“

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

@!$#$

Anny watched, two parts concern and one part amusement as Fleur tried to explain herself while also apologizing for some reason, not really making any sense and sounding more than a little flustered, until she was just shouting at him in Prench.

It’s going to be one of those days, Anny tiredly thought, kneeling down and snapping his fingers in Fleur’s face. “Fleur, stop being crazy.”

Seeing that his snapping wasn’t working, he did the next best thing and flicked the mare on the nose.

“Qu'est-ce qui, pourquoi?“ Fleur stammered, looking up at him in confusion.

“Just calm down for goodness’ sake,” he said soothingly, trying to calm her down. “Why don’t you come with me to the kitchen? I’ll make us some coffee and you can tell me what you need to tell me instead of yelling in the middle of the street like a crazy person, alright?”

Fleur stopped and looked at him with big lavender eyes. “Très bien,” she squeaked, allowing him to push her into the house, around a still muttering Twilight, and into the quaint little kitchen that Velvet kept neat and clean.

Gently nudging her toward the table that was in the center of the kitchen and sitting her down, Anny made his way over to the coffee machine and started it up. Rummaging through the cabinets, he found two coffee mugs.

“Is there any particular way that you take your coffee, Fleur?” he asked, turning toward her.

Fleur had seemingly calmed down for the most part, though she still refused to lift her gaze from the floor and she still had a bit of red in her cheeks. …I know that look, Anny thought as he carefully looked her up and down. Aw man! he almost groaned. Don’t let her look be the look that I’m thinking of!

“…Could you please just put in a few teaspoons of sugar, Anny?” Fleur said quietly, fidgeting in her chair.

Anny did his best to smile and sound cheery. “Alright, I’ll have it ready for you in a second,” he told her, only getting a nod for it.

An expert at super nervous mannerisms himself, Anny could see that maybe Fleur wasn’t just trying to seduce him because Celestia had wanted him to. Is this just a recent thing or have her feelings for me been going on for a while? he wondered, grabbing sugar and cream from the fridge. And if it had, am I really that blind and or dumb for not noticing it?

While a small part of him was rather excited about somehow winning over the heart of a supermodel (because, well… because she was a supermodel), Anny had thrown in his hat with a certain princess, so he wouldn’t be able to do anything other than let her down as gently and kindly as possible.

Hah, I have to let down a supermodel; take that Mr. Thompson from seventh grade chemistry! What did you know, saying that there was no way in heck that I was going to be dating anyone like this unless I won the lottery?! Well, look at me now you bald jerk!

Old, hateful teachers aside, Anny still had to figure out how to tell her no without hurting her feelings. I could just say the same stuff that Celestia told me when she first shot me down, he thought, not remembering how well that actually turned out for the white alicorn. The two of us can just sit down, drink our coffee, talk like adults, and she and I will be at the gym together with the Princess by tomorrow!

Genuinely smiling, Anny poured the now finished coffee into both of the mugs, putting a little bit of sugar in Fleur’s and putting a load of sugar and cream in his before picking the mugs up and bringing them to the table.

“Careful,” he warned, setting her coffee down in front of her as he took a seat, “it’s hot.”

“Merci, Anny,” Fleur said, grabbing her mug and cradling it in her hooves. Anny just smiled, content to sip his coffee and wait for Fleur to work up her courage to tell him whatever she wanted to tell him.

Minutes went by as the two silently sipped their coffees, Fleur looking off in a corner of the kitchen and Anny sipping his coffee with his head in his hands, until Anny finally got up from his chair. “Did you have breakfast yet, Fleur?” he asked, rousing the mare from her obviously deep thoughts.

“No, no I haven’t.”

Anny made his way over to the stove and started reaching for pots and pans. “Well, as luck would have it, neither have I, so how do pancakes sound?”

Fleur finally had the courage to look up at him with that, her eyes wide with alarm. “Non, non,” she protested, shaking her head. “Anny there is no need to—“

Anny just waved her away with a hand. “I always make way too much anyway,” he said, cutting her off. “And besides, Velvet would kill me if she found out I didn’t feed a hungry guest.”

“I am not--*growl*.”

Anny had to bite his lip to keep from laughing, but he didn’t turn around to tease the mare. “Do you want three flapjacks or five?”

“…Could I have just three please?”

@!@#$@!

Fleur watched intently as Anny bounced around the kitchen, a small smile on her face and a blush on her cheeks. She honestly couldn’t believe how silly she had been looking up until now. Fleur de Lis was a mare of grace, style, and beauty. She was not some filly that tripped over her words! She was a confident mare, a proud mare, a mare that looked a stallion in his eyes and told him. What. She. Wanted!

“Could I please have just a little bit of butter on my crepes, Anny? And no syrup; I’m going to be starting a diet soon.”

…Well, at least she technically told him what she wanted.

A strong-willed mare like her had been reduced to nothing more than a kitten at the mere sight of Antaeus, a notion that she would have laughed at a few weeks ago… but now? Now, she couldn’t help but notice the butterflies in her stomach as she watched Anny flipping flapjacks.

Taking a deep breath and shutting her eyes tightly, she said, “Anny, I needtotellyousomething!”

Anny looked over his shoulder. “I hope it isn’t about how you love the Princess,” he joked, putting the just finished pancakes on some plates and carrying them over to the table with a jug of maple syrup.

Her eyes still shut tightly, Fleur shook her head so hard that Anny was worried that she was going to knock herself out of her chair. “I just wanted to apologize for everything that had happened before that party,” she squeaked. “Celestia thought you and I would be a good couple and—“

Fleur tensed when Anny put a hand on her shoulder. Smiling at her, Anny said, “Hey, no harm no foul right? I personally think that it all worked out in the end.” He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “And Fleur, I’m sure that you’ll find a real great stallion someday. You’re a great mare, and I’m sure all you’ll need it to—“

Anny almost reeled back as Fleur’s eyes snapped open, her eyes fiery and fierce. “Non!” she shouted, hopping out of her chair. Anny, not particularly wanting a horn through the shoulder, fell out of his chair with a startled yelp. Before he could do anything, before he could even register the pain that his fall had caused, Fleur was standing over him.

“There will be no other stallion, Anatues!” She said fiercely. “Do you not think I know what you are trying to do? Do you not think that I have not given a stallion ‘the speech’?!”

Why did it have to be one of those days?! Anny mentally cried while he started to rub his aching head. Sure, he was a little surprised with how forward Fleur was being right now, but he was pretty sure that her puppy love wasn’t going to hurt him at all, so he was just content to let her say her piece and lay there.

“Now Fleur, I was just trying to tell you that there was no hard feelings and that you were going to—“

“Menteur !” Fleur spat. “I am sitting here trying to tell you how I feel and you’re going to give me that hogwash?!”

“Hey! My letting down speech was going to be lovely, thank you very much!” Anny retorted, waving at the table. “We were going to have pancakes, you were going to tell me that you like me, I would have let you down, we would have hugged, and then we would have finished our pancakes!”

“No, it looked like you were going to stop me before I could say a thing!” Fleur narrowed her eyes at him. “Well too bad, poulain, you are going to at least let me tell you how I feel before you go about that!”

Groaning, Anny waved a hand. “Alright then, go ahead!” he said, exasperated. “Can you at least let me up before you do it though? Our food’s getting cold.”

Taking a deep breath, Fleur leaned down until her’s and Anny’s noses were touching. “Anny,” she said, giving him an unwavering stare. “For the two months that I have known you, I have seen nothing but good things from you. You are a good stallion, a good stallion that shouldn’t be paired up with one such as Princess Celestia.”

Anny frowned, but he bit his tongue and let her continue.

“She tried to dump you on me for months, she was the one that tried to play with your life like it you were nothing more than a jouet, and I believe that you deserve better.”

All of her courage now used up, Fleur looked away from him. “Even though in the beginning I was just trying to bring you to me as a favor, my interest… grew overtime, so much so that now I can’t ignore it.” Forcing herself, she looked back into his eyes. “I know you do not really know me, but I’d like to change that. I would like you to get to know and learn to love the pony that I actually am, Anny.”

Taking a step away from him, Fleur turned and started to make her way out of the kitchen. “I know that you think you love that coquine with a crown but I promise you that I will be trying my hardest to win your affections over these next few weeks. Not as the supermodel, Fleur de Lis, but as the mare.”

“And if I don’t want you to do that?” Anny asked, resisting the urge to rub his temples in frustration.

Fleur just looked over her shoulder and flashed him a cheeky grin. “Celestia told you no at first, yes?” she said. “I don’t see why I would have to take your first no for an answer.”

Moving past a still muttering Twilight, Fleur reached for the door. “And just remember, Anny my dear, unlike you, I have no problems playing dirty for love. Passez une bonne journée mon chéri!“

Anny groaned as soon as she closed the door, flopping onto his back in the middle of the kitchen floor. “Why?” he asked aloud. “Why, when I’ve worked for months to get a date, is everyone and their freaking grandmother wanting to ask me out?! WHY?!”

Just then, Spike, rubbing an eye and yawning hugely, walked through the kitchen door. “Oh there you are, Anny,” he said, hopping up into a chair. “Twilight’s still sitting there angry huh? Ohhh, pancakes! Do you mind if I eat a couple?”

Anny closed his eyes and covered them with his hands. “Spike, could you give me a minute?”

“I just wanted to know if I could have some of these, I really don’t see the big deal,” Spike said, shoving a pancake into his mouth. “You’re just sitting there anyway and letting these go cold!”

Anny sighed. “Just… eat them; I’m not even hungry anymore anyway.”

This isn’t going to turn out great, he thought, staring up at the ceiling. …Huh, I wonder what she meant by she has no problems playing dirty for love?...

How to Date Alicorns: A Human's Guide
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

How to Date Alicorns: A Human's Guide

In her twenty-five years of life, Cadance had really only been afraid of her aunt in three instances. Once, when she was eleven and she accidently burned half of the kitchen down trying to make cookies, another time when she saw the look she gave Shining when she had told her that they were going out, and right now. This wasn’t just Celestia’s trademark look of disapproval that she’d give to just anypony, no, this was grade-A unfiltered, unhinged rage; the kind of angry that only came alone once every fews for Celestia. Heck, if Cadance didn’t know her aunt as well as she did then she might have actually scared of her. As of how she was just a teeny, tiny, bit worried that she was going to be bucked through a wall for one reason or another.

But there was a bit of a silver lining for the Princess of Love as she looked over at her, at the moment, terrifying elder. Because, even though she was a little nervous at how Celestia was almost frothing at the mouth, that still didn’t keep her from almost falling over laughing at how ridiculous the mare looked at the moment.

Because somepony, a pony who was probably going on a vacation to the moon in the near future, had somehow dyed the princess’s usually beautiful snow white coat to an almost blindingly bright neon pink. For many ponies, doing something like this to a fellow pony was the ultimate act of disrespect; especially for a mare.

Usually, a pony would spend hours working on their coat, brushing it to a shine to bring out the coats full color. A pony’s coat was one of the first things that you saw about them, and many ponies took pride in their individual colors because it was something, along with their cutiemarks, that helped make them unique amongst ponykind. It was also one of the main things that a pony would use to help find a mate in some cases. A coat, in other words, was a lot more than a layer of fur meant to keep one warm, and, for some insane reason, somepony had gone out of their way to make Celestia look as bad as possible by ruining hers.

The worst part was that it looked like somepony had just used a bucket to apply it; it was darker in some places, lighter in others, and some parts of Celestia’s body were still white. It made the once majestic and graceful-looking alicorn look so silly that it was almost surreal.

Cadance bit her lip, trying to stifle her giggles. “Oh, hello, Auntie,” she said, trying to ignore her sudden pang of terror when she saw that a good deal of her aunt’s body was on fire. Literally.

“You’re looking… different.”

Looking over at her husband, she sighed. Well, Shining’s shaking like a leaf and it looks like my aunt wants to have some violent words with whoever did this. Cadance almost rolled her eyes. Well, it looks like it’s going to be one of those days, isn’t it?

Celestia’s eye twitched and she tried to smile at her niece. The end result was far more frightening that she probably intended, the smile too toothy, and requiring too many muscles to execute.

“Hello Cadance, Shining,” she said as calmly as she could. “Might either of you happen to know the location of a certain Fleur de Lis? Because she and I are going to have a nice conversation about why throwing dye onto your ruler’s coat can be hazardous to one’s health.”

Seeing that Shining was still a little too nervous about talking to an angry Celestia—or at least that was what she was noticing with him covering his eyes with his hooves and muttering what sounded like a prayer to himself—Cadance decided to try and see what she could do to calm down her aunt. It wouldn’t look good for anyone if Celestia started to really lose her temper.

While she could deal with it—mostly—a majority of the population probably wouldn’t be as calm if their super powerful ruler started marching through the streets, pink and on fire, demanding to know where Fleur was so she could do… whatever she was going to do to her if she caught the supermodel.

Beating down a hint of trepidation that was starting to grow in her stomach, the younger alicorn trotted over toward her elder.

“Are you sure that Fleur did this, Celestia?” she asked, trotting around Celestia’s body to see if she could salvage the situation at all.

Celestia nodded, a frown coming to her face when she felt Cadance poking at her coat. “I was walking through the castle courtyard when I saw that butler of hers just appear in front of me with a bucket in his hoof.” Cadance swore that she could hear her aunt grind her teeth. “Before I could so much as say hello he threw a bucket of dye in my face!”

Celestia stomped her hoof, cracking the marble flooring like it was nothing. “I know that that butler wouldn’t dream of doing something as outrageous as this unless he was ordered to.”

For a second, Shining slowly lowered his hooves from his face, the stallion trying to work up his courage to look up at Celestia and maybe offer some helpful advice. This was decimated when Celestia let out a throaty growl, which made Shining let out an unmanly squeak before he went back to cowering.

By the maker she does NOT look good in this color, Cadence thought, giving her aunt’s coat another poke while Celestia just stood there and angrily muttered to herself, small fires starting and dying in and around her mane ever few seconds. You know, it wouldn’t even be that bad if it had gone anywhere other than the face…

“We could try to use a spell to get the dye out and—“

“I’ve already tried that,” Celestia said, her frown deepening each time Cadance poked her. “I believe that this is one of those dyes that is laced with some kind of magical deterrent.” Celestia huffed. “I knew that Fleur was a little upset with what happened at the party, but I didn’t think she’d go this far.” She gestured at herself.

Cadance nodded, walking around her aunt one more time before sitting on front of her. “Auntie,” she said, as calmly as she could. “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I know that the company that makes this dye also makes a shampoo that will wash this out. We can get you some later today and get you as good as new in a few days.”

Cadence jostled her mane with a hoof. “I actually use this same kind on dye for my mane, and I’ve used the shampoo before once or twice. It’ll take a few days and you’ll have to use a lot of the shampoo but it’ll eventually come out. Trust me.”

Celestia sighed, looking down at her niece with her first genuine smile of the day, the fire in her mane dying down completely. “That is good to hear, Cadance,” she said gratefully before the smile dimmed a bit. “But what is the bad news?”

Cadance’s smile became strained. “Well… there may be a good chance that Anny might be coming over to finally ask you on your date today…”

For a the briefest of seconds, Celestia’s eyes lit up with happiness. She had been waiting for days and days for Anny to ask her out. From what she had heard from her sister, the human had been spending days trying to set up everything and make it perfect so the two of them could have the best date ever. So yes, for a second, that news was actually welcomed by the alicorn. What ruined it was when she remembered that SHE LOOKED LIKE SOME KIND OF UGLY, PINK AND WHITE SPOTTED DOG!

That was when the news went from welcomed, to the worst, most horrible thing in the history of forever.

Cadance watched as the emotions played out on Celestia’s face, the pink princess using a spell to cover her’s and Shining’s ears as Celestia took a deep, deep breath.

“I’M GOING TO KILL FLEUR!” Celestia roared, her mane and tail turning into twin infernos, forcing Cadence to roll out of the way with a panicked yelp. “THAT HUSSY THINKS SHE CAN JUST MOPE AROUND HER HOUSE AND INGORE ME WHILE I TRY TO APOLOGISE TO HER AND THEN SHE DOES THIS?!”

Celestia’s furious looked quickly turned panicked. “Oh curd, what is Anny going to think when he sees me?!” Before she knew what was happening, Cadance was lifted off her hooves and brought uncomfortably close to Celestia’s face. “I must look hideous! Nopony looks good in pink!”

Cadance frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. “Well excuse you!”

Celestia, too panicked to even pick up on what her niece had said, dropped the younger alicorn and started pacing. “I can’t let him see me this like!” she exclaimed before gasping. “Cadance, are you absolutely sure that Anny will come here today to ask me?”

Cadance, picking herself up and dusting herself off with a quiet huff, nodded. “I was there last night helping Anny with the final bits of your date until three in the morning.” Despite the situation, she smiled. “ And if I know Anny, after he wakes up he’s going to get something to eat and come right up here and ask you.”

Celestia looked around the room and she trotted in place in panic, her eyes darting around in a desperate to find something that would magically make this all better. “I need somepony to go down to the Sparkle house to tell him that I will be busy for the day,” she said, her eyes wild and her breath ragged. “Shining, go down to your mother’s house and tell Anny that I’m meeting with some dignitaries. Cadance and I will go to the store and—“

Even one in the room froze when there was a knock on the door.

“Celestia?” someone that sounded awfully like Anny said. “Celestia, are you there? I need to ask you something.”

~-~-~-~-~-

While his meeting with Fleur wasn’t one of the oddest mornings he had ever had (no, the winner of that one was when he was having bacon, eggs, and chocolate milk at Fluttershy’s house with Discord), Fleur still had thrown the human for a bit of a loop. Anny had already figured that it was going to be hard making sure that his dates with the princess were going to be perfect, but when he had someone like him, someone that was really willing to go the extra mile to get someone to go out with them, Anny knew that something that was already going to be especially difficult was going to become a million times harder.

But that didn’t mean he was going to just break off everything because he had a batty supermodel vying for his love. Nope, he was just going to grit his teeth, suck it up, and go up to the palace and ask Celestia to go a very special place that him and Cadence had spent days picking out.

All he had to do was walk up to Celestia’s room, knock on the door, look the alicorn in the eyes, and ask her if, maybe, if she was free, she could do something with him on Saturday, if that was okay with her of course.

He had forgone bringing flowers, like he had seen guys do in a whole bunch of black-and-white movies that he had watched as a kid, because when he explained what he needed them for to the mare that was working at the flowers hop, the mare awed, then told him that was the cheesiest thing that she had ever heard. Trying not to look too much like a dork aside, Anny was ready; no, he was more than ready. He was getting that date!

Striding purposefully toward the door, and trying to ignore his sudden gut-wrenching terror that happily made itself known as soon as he was at the princess’s door, Anny cleared his throat and firmly knocked.

“Celestia?” he said, trying to resist the urge to look into the lock hole. “Celestia, are you in there? I need to ask you something.

Anny waited a few seconds before adding, “It’s Anny.”

I really should have just bought those flowers, he thought as he heard someone shuffling around from inside the room. Not knowing what to do with his nervous hands, he shoved them into his pockets. I bet Celestia would have loved getting flowers… But what kind would she like? Roses? Tulips? ... Sun flowers maybe?

Anny was then about to wonder it Celestia either endorsed, liked, or named sun flowers—because of the whole she raises the sun thing—when he heard someone fiddling with the door.

“Is that you Anny?” Cadance asked, poking her head out with a smile. “And what brings you here to the castle on this fine day?”

Anny frowned when the pink alicorn’s smile turned nervous. “Oh, hello, Cadance,” he said. “I was just coming up here to ask Celestia out on a date.” He quickly checked to see if he was actually knocking on the right door before looking back down at her. “I told you about it last night. You know, when you and I spent all night finishing up all of the ‘loose ends’?”

Cadance giggled nervously, poked her head back into the room to whisper harshly to someone in the room, and poked her head back out the door in the span of about five seconds. “Well, Anny, it’s sweet and all that you want to ask Celestia out in person—“

Anny nodded. “I know; you were the one that told me to do it.”

“—I know I did; but something… came up with Celestia, something may or may not have happened to her.

Anny’s suspicious look became one of concern, the human grabbing the edge of the door with the intent of wrenching it open. “Something happened to Celestia?! Is she okay?”

With a grunt, Cadance grabbed the door with both of her hooves, keeping Anny from budging it, before using a little shocking spell to get his hand off the door.

“She’s fine,” the Princess of Love said, smiling a little too hugely for Anny’s liking. “But right at the moment she’s a little too busy to talk with you face-to-face.”

Anny narrowed his eyes at the now visibly sweating alicorn. “What’s wrong with the Princess, Cadence?”

“Nothing, Anny, she’s fine. I’m working on getting her fixed up as we speak!”

“…Didn’t you just say that she was alright?”

Cadence frowned when Anny grabbed the edge of the doorframe. “You know what I mean!” she practically hissed, using another burst of electrical magic on the door.

Anny ignored the jolt of magic that ran up his hand this time and tried to push open the door, Cadence keeping it firmly in place. “Actually, Cadance, I have no idea what you mean.”

The two slowly began a tug-of-war, the human trying to wrench open the door to see what was wrong with his princess while the alicorn had to use her whole body weight and more than a little bit of magic to keep him from getting in.

“Anny, you’re just going to have to trust me. Just tell Celestia that you want to pick her up on Saturday at around four through the door.”

“Just let me see her for a second, Cadance.”

“We’re a little busy at the moment.”

“Cadance, I’m coming through this door one way or another, so just let me in.”

“No I can’t, sorry! And if you break down a princess’s door then you’ll be placed in double jail for, um, door assault.”

“…Double jail?”

For a moment, the tug-of-war ended, Anny and Cadence looking at each other.

Cadance nodded. “Yep, double jail: we’ll throw you in a jail then put you in an even smaller jail… And that jail will be on fire.”

The princess’s brow furrowed in thought. “And you won’t get any ice cream after dinn—ouch!”

Anny, with an irritated frown, quickly reached over and flicked Cadance’s horn and the young alicorn flinched in pain and surprise, giving Anny enough time to force open the door and walk past her.

“A-Anny, you can’t be in here!” Anny stopped at when he heard an almost hysterical Celestia yelling from somewhere in the room.

“…Celestia?” Looking around the room, he saw neither hide nor hair of the white mare, only Shining awkwardly looking at him from a table that he was sitting near. “Celestia, are you alright?” Anny swore he saw something move out of the corner of his eye but it was gone as soon as he turned to look at it.

“Anny could you come back later please?” Anny’s head whipped around toward what he assumed was Celestia’s bed, and he frowned when he saw a Celestia-sized lump under the sheets. “I’m a little… indisposed at the moment.”

Ignoring Cadence, who had latched herself onto his leg and was attempting to push him out of the room, Anny took a step toward the bed. “Celestia, Cadance said something happened to you. Are you alright?” He frowned. “…Fleur didn’t happen to do anything to you, did she?”

The lump under the sheets stiffened. “And why would you ask that, Anny?” Celestia said, her tone becoming angry.

Anny tried to take another step forward but almost tripped over Cadance, who was starting to gnaw at his leg. Whether it was his jeans protecting him or the fact that ponies really didn’t have that much bite strength, all she was really doing was drooling on his fifth favorite pair of blue jeans and annoying him.

“Cadance, what are you doing?”

Cadance looked up from her biting. “I’m trying to stop you from getting to Celestia,” she said matter-of-factly.

“By biting me?”

Cadance at least had the decency to blush. “I got caught up in the heat of the moment,” she said lamely, before wrapped both sets of legs around his leg. “I need to do whatever I have to to keep you from looking at Celestia’s devastated face!”

Celestia huffed. “Now I wouldn’t say ‘devastated’. I mean I only got a little bit of paint on my face for goodness sake…”

Anny looked over at Shining. “Shining, could you please come over here and restrain your wife for a second? I’ve already had to deal with one crazy mare today.” He gestured down at her and shook his head.

“Hey, I’m not crazy!” Cadance said with a frown. “Celestia said that she didn’t want you in here and I’m trying to keep you out here!”

“You’re acting like a crazy five year old!”

Shining looked the human up and down before shaking his head. “Sorry Anny, I usually stay out of things like… this.”

Glaring down at Cadance, Anny tried to shake her off his leg. “Cadance, you weigh like fifty pounds; there’s no way you’re going to stop me from mov-- “ he sighed when the alicorn went back to gnawing at his leg. Why does it have to be one of those days?

Anny could hear Celestia whimper from across the room. “Anny, could you just please come by in a day or two?” she begged. “I know that you’ve come up here to ask me out on a date, but I want you to ask me when I’m at my best and not like… this.” The bed sheet gestured to itself.

Anny flinched. “Is it really that bad?” he asked.

The lump nodded. “You will just have to take my word for it, Anny.”

Anny looked down, rubbing his hands together. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, determined to make sure that she was actually okay and not just putting on a brave face when she actually messed up. “You didn’t get hurt or anything, right?”

“The only thing that is hurting right now is my pride.” Celestia sighed. “And I may be a little hurt by the fact that I have to turn you away today because of what Fleur did.” With another sigh, the lump on the bed flattened out completely. “I know you’re worried about me, Anny, and I appreciate it, but right now there’s nothing you can do. Just… could you please come back tomorrow?”

Anny looked over his shoulder at the door, torn between just going over and seeing if Celestia was actually okay or just doing as she said and leave the castle. …I think I may have already overstayed my welcome by just barging in the room like this, Anny thought to himself, bending down and grabbing Cadance by the scruff of the neck.

Picking up the pink alicorn and gently setting her down beside him, Anny resisted the urge to facepalm at his stupidity. I bet I looked like a busy jerk just shoving my way through the room like that! Without realizing it, his breath started to quicken. I just wanted to see if Celestia was okay but what if she thinks I’m a jerk right now?! WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GO ON THE DATE NOW BECAUSE OF WHAT I DID!

“…Anny,” Shining said in concern, watching the panicking human from the safety of his chair, “are you okay there buddy?”

SHE’SGOINGTOTELLMETOGETLOSTBECAUSEIWASBEINGAJERKANDI’LLHAVERUINEDEVERYTHINGAND—

“Sister! We have captured the one that assaulted thy person!”

Everyone—except Celestia, who was still hiding under the covers— looked over at the door as it was thrown open, revealing a confidently grinning Luna, who was flanked by her bat pony guards, carrying an irritated Fleur in her magic.

Anny almost growled when he saw the frazzled, but relatively okay, mare, who somehow managed to look dignified even while she was being levitated upside down and while clasped in irons. Fleur just smiled sweetly when she saw him.

“Oh, hello, Anny,” she said calmly. “Did you see your beloved Celestia yet?” The mare looked over at the lump, which had sat back up and was shaking in probable rage. “It took a little work, but I think I managed to finally make this… voleuse d’homme as ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.”

The mare hummed in thought. “It might actually be an improvement…”

Celestia threw off her covers, hopped off the bed, snatched Fleur out of her sister’s grasp, and bounded over to the mare faster than a mare of her size (and age) had the right to move. “Now you listen here, missy,” the Princess said dangerously, the edges of her mane catching fire, “I understand that you may be upset about what happened, and believe me, I feel bad, but that does not entitle you to sic your butler on me!”

Anny blinked when he saw the paint on Celestia’s face and body. “…That’s all she did?” He quietly asked, leaning toward Cadance. “I thought she dumped acid on her or something from the way you guys were freaking out, but it was just paint? That’s not really that-”

Cadance shrugged. “Us ponies really take pride in the color of our coats,” she said, watching as a glaring Celestia tried her best to assault Fleur with her eyes. “Ponies hate anything that could permanently change their coat colors. Dyes, paints, anything like that. Heck, most ponies don’t even like getting mud on it if they can help.”

“Why?”

“Because it takes forever to get out when it gets deep into the fur.”

Anny scrunched up his face in suspicion. “Are you sure this isn’t some weird Canterlot thing? Because I know for a fact that I’ve seen Applejack and her brother swimming in mud more than once… And couldn’t you just use magic or something to make it as good as new?”

Cadance nudged him with a hoof. “You don’t have fur, Anny, you wouldn’t understand.”

Anny nudged her back. “I don’t have magic either but I bet you it’s not that hard to explain if you just try to--”

“Shush; they’re going to talk again.”

“You talk about assaulting ponies when your sister and her guards break into my home, attack my butler, and drag me to your hooves like some common criminal?!” Fleur shrieked, butting heads with Celestia. “Tyrant.”

Luna narrowed her eyes at the mare. “Thou attacked one of royal blood, knave,” she said, matter-of-factly. “It was thy fault for staying in thy abode and not running like the cowardly cur that thou art.”

She looked away from the group fidgeted nervously. “Besides, thou would not open the door when We knocked; that was why we were forced to break the door down…”

Fleur looked over to her with a frown. “And what about my entryway that you destroyed?”

Luna pointed a hoof at her. “Nay, that was as much thine butler’s work as it was ours! It took fifteen of our personal guard to stop that stallion after he attacked us for trying to arrest thee!”

Fleur’s Mansion…

For over fifteen years, Sergeant Nightingale had served the guard with dignity and honor, and she could safely say that she had seen a lot during her time with the guard, as one would expect. She had seen the delegates of lands that she couldn’t pronounce, she had survived the great pancake disaster of Eighty-four with no injuries to her person (Which couldn’t be said for quite a few of the guard), she had seen a lord of chaos teleport in front of her and turn a house into a gingerbread house with the snap of his claws; heck, she had even seen a pony dressed as a clown try to assault a convenience store clerk with a rubber chicken, so all-in-all she had, in the twilight of her career, thought that she had actually done and seen it all. Never in all of her years had she been so wrong.

“Keep an eye on him at all times, boys,” The bruised and battered Sergeant said to her men as she tried to shake with exhaustion out of her muscles.“The princess may have incapacitated him for now but he might get out.”

The Fleur mansion was a wreck. Furniture was laying everywhere, either broken or covered in arrows or spears. The marble floor was cracked and dirty and covered in broken glass and injured guardsponies. It was, in the Sergeant’s view, a warzone, and she knew for a fact that even now, even with their attacker, who had taken down fifteen of the finest soldiers this side of the Crystal Mountains, incapacitated it was only a matter of time before he managed to get out.

Sweet Faust, please let the backup get here before this psycho gets out of his bindings, the mare thought, lifting her spear off the ground and leveling it at her captive, who happened to be in a bit of a bind at the moment. I need to be strong Nightingale thought, her brow furrowing. I promised the princess that we would hold out and that’s what we’re gonna do.

Jeeves, who had only been doing his duty to his lady, sighed from within his prison of duct tape, bubble gum, and what appeared to be the rug for the entryway. “Excuse me,” he said to no one in particular, his voice muffled. “Excuse me.”

“Quiet!” Nightingale snarled, jabbing her spear at the cocoon. “And stay still! You were told not to move until my lady returns!”

“Now, now young lady,” Jeeves chided. “There’s no need to be rude; I simply wish to ask you if you and your soldiers could please not make your way into the livingroom at this point in time. I had just finished clearing that part of the house and I do not want you getting hoof prints everywhere.”

Nightingale’s eyes narrowed. “What, no worry?” she demanded.

“I would like to point out that you started the hostilities first.”

The mare snarled again. “No, we only attacked you after you threw one of my privates out the window!”

Once again Jeeves huffed from within the cocoon. “I suppose we will have to agree to disagree the,” he concluded. “But just keep in the entrance hall, will you? It is a bother getting the blood stains out of carpets and the one in the livingroom was imported from Saddle Arabia.”

Back at the castle…

Celestia shook her head. “Never mind that!” she said, looking back at Fleur. “You and I are going to have a long talk, Fleur.”

Fleur crossed her hooves and huffed, looking away from the Princess. “I have nothing to say to one that did what you did to me.”

Celestia’s mane started to wave around her frantically, the colors shifting and melting together, the usually bright and cheerful colors turning darker. “You will have something to say to me, young lady, and that something will be a sorry.” The white mare poked Fleur’s chest. “I understand that—“

“You understand nothing!” Fleur spat, switching to Prench in her fury. “For years and years, you’ve tried to set me up with idiotic stallions, each one more boorish and moronic than the last.” She pointed a hoof at a confused Anny, who, not really understanding a lick of Prench, just stood there awkwardly. “But when you finally show me one that I ACTUALLY like, you take him away from me so you can have him for yourself!”

“You know that that was not my decision,” Celestia protested, also switching to Prench, guilt coming to her features. “You know from day one that Anny wanted me and—”

“He wanted you and yet you tried to dump him on me like some sort of hand-me-down! Why he cares for somepony like you, somepony who only wanted him after she KNEW that I care for him, I’ll never understand!”

Anny looked around the room when everyone gasped.

Does everyone in here speak Prench? he thought to himself, wondering when his life had changed into some weird soap opera. …You know, I just wanted to ask Celestia on a date and go out and get ice cream afterward…

Clearing his throat, he took a step forward. “Um, guys?” he said. “I understand that we’re all upset and stuff, but do we have to do… this?” He waved his hands around the room. “Celestia, I know you’re mad, but it’s just paint; you’re still the same beautiful mare.”

A small smile and blush came to Celestia’s face as everyone else awed.

“Oh, you’re just being sweet, Anny,” the princess said coyly, touching her cheek with a hoof. “I know that I look ridiculous…”

“It doesn’t matter if you’re covered in paint or furless or dressed up as a penguin, Celestia,” Anny said with a low growl. “I don’t like you because you’re pretty—even though you’re really beautiful—I like you because you’re you. Some little face paint isn’t going to change than and…” Anny would have continued his rant for another ten minutes but then he looked up and noticed all of the stares he was getting before freezing in place.

Did I just say that out loud? he thought, looking at the floor.

While what he had said was straight from the heart, and nopony, not even Fleur, could keep a smile off their face after hearing that, it was something that Anny would have liked to have said to Celestia in private, not in front of a crowd. Anny didn’t like crowds, especially crowds that had just heard him say some touchy-feely, lovey-dovey stuff, but now that he was the center of attention he was just going to have to man up and do what needed to be done.

“U-Um… So, Celestia, I was wondering.” Anny looked at his toes while he rocked back and forth. “Are you free on S-Saturday?”

Everything, how horrible her day had been going, the fact that Fleur was still giving her the stinkeye, the fact that there were other ponies in the room, meant nothing to Celestia as soon as those words came out of the blushing human’s mouth.

“..Yes,” she whispered, her whole body starting to shake in excitement.

“Yes.”

Everyone in the room was smiling as a grin slowly came to the princess’s face.

“Yes!”

Joy burst through the princess of the sun. Finally someone had the gumption, the grit to finally ask her out of a date, and she had, after all of these years, had finally found someone that was worth saying yes to. This was a ‘once in a thousand years’ type of event that any immortal would get excited about; so that was just what Celestia did.

“YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!” she cried, hopping around the room like a filly that had just discovered caffeine. “YES!YE-”

Realizing that she was starting to make a fool of herself, Celestia reigned it in, though that big, happy smile was still on her face as she took a step closer toward Anny and looked him in the eye. Awkwardly clearing her throat, she said, “Um, what I meant to say was: yes, Anny, I’d love to go out on a date with you.”

Step One: You Got the Date; Now You Just Need to Not Panic....
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step One: You Got the Date; Now You Just Need to Not Panic....

Step One: You Got the Date; Now You Just Need to Not Panic....

One would think that a pony, who exclusively walked on four legs, would enjoy working out their legs. Sure, a human might dislike working out legs in the gym because legs aren’t arms, or chest, or even back (the legs of the upper body), but a lot of a pony’s muscle is in their legs; you get those suckers bigger then it’s a guarantee that you’ll look bigger. You might think this, but you would be horribly wrong, just as Anny had been when he had assumed such.

You see, unlike their Earth counterparts, a pony is actually a pretty flexible creature, able to stand upright on their back legs and even walk using only three of their legs. The range in which they are able to move each hoof is almost ridiculous. So, instead of some weird leg-orientated/leg heavy gym that Anny had been expecting, there was actually just a normal human gym, complete with benches, power racks, treadmills, etc.

A pony on this funny little world could actually have a huge chest and tiny legs if that was what they wanted, just like a human, and Anny couldn’t help but feel a little relieved yet concerned when he learned this. He may not have been a doctor, or a vet, or even a particularly smart individual, but he was pretty sure that a pony shouldn’t be able to perform a deep squat without their knees exploding. But, like almost everything else that he thought was weird about this world, he just shrugged it off and went about his day.

Pony lifting habits aside, Anny had also noticed something else about many of the ponies that frequented that gym: each and every one of them (that he asked at least) hated working legs. Truly it seemed that the evil that was leg day transversed all worlds, all cultures, ruining someone’s day with a crackle and another set of lunges. And, because he worked out with a group of ponies that fully believed that one needed to work out the whole body each week, not just the upper body, his day of reckoning had come.

“Come on, Anny, you need to squat just a little bit lower… And remember to keep your back neutral!”

If he wasn’t desperately trying to force what felt like a mountain of weight upwards, Anny would have given his spotter, a sweaty but smiling Cadance, a piece of his mind, but since all of the blood had been taken from his brain and had gone to his legs, Anny was just trying not to pass out. “I’m… trying…” he grunted, gritting his teeth as he forced himself to go lower and lower, holding the bar on his back like his life depended on it.

“Come on, Anny,” the Princess of Love said encouragingly, clapping her hooves together. “You only have two more, then we can take a little break!”

Anny, still concentrating on not dying, didn’t hear a word the alicorn had said as he slowly and shakily stood back up, panting and red-faced as he did so. Come on, he thought, taking deep breaths. This isn’t that much weight and you have only one more to go. Come on, Anny, girls are watching!

Summoning up what will he had left, Anny lowered himself back down, his eyes shut tightly as Cadance quietly cheered him on while also making sure that he didn’t just drop the bar and kill himself. His leg muscles screamed, his glutes groaned, and his knees were wobbly, but after what felt like an hour, Anny got to the worst part of the lift: squatting to parallel.

Getitupgetitupgetitup!

With an inhuman groan, Anny rose himself back up, sweat dripping off his face as he slowly inched upwards, the safety pegs on the power rack his only salvation in this horrible, leg day world. Cadance’s eyes were wide as she watched the man.

“Come on Anny, you’re almost there!” she said, her encouraging smile turning worried when she saw a vein bulging out her friend’s forehead. For a second she considered just giving him a teeny tiny little nudge with her magic but she quickly decided against it. She was Anny’s spotter, and as a good spotter she wasn’t going to take his glory away from him, she was going to egg him on and tell him what a good job he did after he finished!

“Just a little bit more….”

With another groan, Anny rose to his full height and locked his knees, holding his position for a second before lurching forward, almost knocking himself over trying to rack his weight. With a happy giggle, Cadance helped the bar off him and onto the safety pegs.

“I told you you could do it, Anny!” she said with a little hop, her smile widening when she noticed the proud grin on Anny’s face.

“Yeah… I did… it,” Anny panted, leaning his head up against the weight bar and closing his eyes. “Are… we… done with… the squats… yet?”

To the human’s dismay, the mare just shook her head. “Nope, we still have to do a few sets of front squats!” she told him cheerfully.

Anny’s eye twitched and he looked up. Gods of fitness, why have you forsaken me? he wondered as Cadance dragged him toward the water fountain.

“So is everything ready for later today?” Cadance asked the waddling man.

Anny sighed, resisting the urge to look over at Celestia, who he knew for a fact was putting up at least fifty more pounds than he had just been doing. “Yeah, it took a bit longer than I would have liked but I got everything ready.”

Cadance nodded, her wings ruffling in excitement. “That’s great! I hope you two have a great time.”

This time Anny couldn’t help but sneak a peek over at his favorite princess, who was red-faced, sweaty, had a headband on, and was breaking his mind at how she just didn’t explode squatting that deep. He wasn’t even going to bother wondering how a sixty pound pony was able to squat nearly four times her body weight. In his mind the less he thought about it the better off he would be.

“I do too, Cadance,” Anny muttered, getting a drink of water before letting his workout buddy lead him back to their power rack.

It took them a minute to strip the weights and put on lighter ones for their new lift but they as soon as they finished, Cadance was up. To Anny’s bemusement, the alicorn rose up on her hind legs, gripped the bar in such a way that she was able to put it where her front legs met her shoulder, lifted the bar off the pegs, and started her front squats.

“You know, it really doesn’t make any sense how you’re able to do this,” Anny pointed out as Cadance went through her set.

“Why wouldn’t I be able to do this?” Cadance asked with a grunt. “We’re not even going heavy yet.”

Anny opened his mouth to say something but then promptly closed it. There was no way that he was going to even try to get into this, not when there was a pony a few feet from his that was somehow deadlifting over five hundred pounds despite not having any hands to hold the bar. So instead he shifted the conversation to something that had been bothering him for the past few days.

“Hey Cadance, did you happened to find that certain someone that the two of us were talking about the other day?” he asked, once again sneaking a glance around to see if anyone happened to be listening in on their conversation.

With a grunt, Cadance re-racked the bar. Wiping a bead of sweat from her brow with a wing, she nodded. “She’s hiding out in Blueblood’s room,” she said with a little smile, “waiting for the guards to stop looking for her.”

When Anny asked Celestia on a date, and said princess then hopped around the room shouting, “Yes yes yes!” for the next ten minutes, Fleur had, to Luna and her guards dismay, escaped her hoofcuffs and run out of the room during the commotion.

After everything had calmed down, and after Luna had disciplined her idiotic guards by giving them dungeon duty for the next three weeks, Celestia had ordered a citywide search for the renegade supermodel. But after over three days of searching, basically locking down the city to make sure that Fleur didn’t escape and having Luna scrying the dreamscape for the mare, and the guard combing the city for her, they hadn’t hadn’t found hide nor hair of the mare, and that was making Anny more than a little nervous.

When Fleur had announced her intentions to him he didn’t know what to expect, but he had been sure that he’d be able to handle it. But now, with everything that had happened, he just wasn’t sure. Right now Fleur was being backed into a corner, and that would make her dangerous. She had nothing to lose, and Anny knew for a fact that the mare still had a lot of very powerful, well-connected friends in the city, so what Anny had assumed was going to be a few romantic gestures could, and was probably going to, turn pretty ugly, and that was making him very, very worried.

Trying to keep his face cheery, Anny made his way over to the barbell. “Did you tell Celestia?” he asked, grabbing the bar. “She’d probably want to know where she is, and I’m sure Blue probably wants her out of his room by now. How long has she been cooped up in there, three, four days?”

Cadance grinned, peeking at Blueblood out of the corner of her eye. “Oh I’m sure that Blueblood just loves having her around,” she said knowingly. “And I think my aunt needs a few more days to calm herself before she can talk to Fleur; for both their sakes.”

As best he could with the bar awkwardly on his shoulders, Anny shrugged. “Whatever you say, Cadance. We need to do something about her if she tries to do anything at my date thought.” Anny frowned. “You know that she sent me a wagonload of blue roses the other day with some weird French poetry?”

Cadance watched Anny as he started his squats. “Oh? That actually sounds—“

“I got Twilight to translate it. She told me that it was… a little raunchier than I would have liked.”

The Princess of Love couldn’t stop herself from giggling. “Were the flowers pretty at least?”

With a tired sigh, Anny re-racked the bar. Leaning against it, he said, “They were some of the nicest I’ve ever seen in my life.” He rubbed his temples. “Twilight told me that these things are nicer than the roses up at the castle; she also said that they were some rare flower from Prance that cost an arm and a leg to buy. I think she called them Moonlight something-or-other.”

When Cadance realized the flower he was talking about was the Moonlight Septium, a flower that was renowned for its beauty, fragrance, and most importantly, its cost, her smile dimmed a little bit. “And her giving you those flowers bothers you,” she stated.

Anny nodded. “I understand that she likes me and all but I don’t like her dumping her money into things that she thinks I’ll like. Today was the flowers, yesterday was a box of chocolates that cost a thousand bits, the day before that was a shirt made by some famous fashion designer…”

Cadance patting him on the thigh. “If it makes you feel any better, Anny, Fleur is actually a very wealthy mare.” She ruffled her feathers. “What might seem like a lot of
money to you is nothing compared to her.”

Anny pushed himself off of the bar. “I know that,” he said. “I saw how nice her mansion was.”

“Is,” Cadance corrected, cutting him off. “I heard that the damages from the other day are already fixed.”

Anny gestured dismissively. “I just don’t like the idea of someone spending so much money on me.” He looked at her questioningly. “Do you even know how much one of those roses even costs?!”

Though Cadance did, in fact, know how much one of those roses cost, she decided to keep her mouth shut, instead gently pushing the worked up man out of the power rack. “We all do some silly things for love,” she told him, a smile coming back to her face. “I know a certain human who knows that all too well.”

That got a smile out of Anny; a little one, but a smile none the less. “I just need to figure—“ he began, only to be cut off by Cadance once again.

“You don’t need to figure out anything right now mister,” she said, eyeing the clock that was on the far side of the gym. “Right now you just need to worry about taking my aunt on the best date that she’s ever been on.” She pointed at the clock. “It looks like it’s time for you to get on out of here to go and get ready.”

“But what about the rest of my se--”

“You can do them another day. I might have actually kept you here too long.” Nudging him, Cadance nodded toward the door. “Go ahead, and make sure Celestia doesn’t see you.”

Anny nodded before looking at the clock. It was just about to strike ten. He had just over five hours to get back home and place the finishing touches on everything, so he was going to have to rush back to the Sparkle house. Checking to see if he had left anything around the power rack, Anny gave Cadance a wink before rushing toward the exit.

Everything’s going according to plan, she thought, eyeing her aunt to make sure that she wasn’t looking this way. I have Anny and Auntie pushed along well enough. As soon as Anny left the gym Cadance turned her attention toward Blueblood, who looked like he was about to throw up in the middle of a squat. Now it’s time to help Blueblood out…

With a mischievous giggle, Cadance turned back to her weights, neatly putting them away before trotting over to where Celestia and Blueblood were. “Blueblood,” she said to the panting prince, who had just finished his set, “could you come over here for a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something important.”

~-~-~-~{,<>,}~-~-~-~

The royal chambers had been a place where service, comfort, and elegance were at their greatest and most refined, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. From the servants to the food to the atmosphere, you knew that as soon as you stepped foot in that section of the castle you were in a different world. You name it, they had it in stock or they could get it within the hour - the finest beds, wines, cheeses; anything that you could want or need. It also boasted a royal spa room, complete with a sauna and a team of highly trained masseurs; a private kitchen that housed one of the world’s largest selection of wines, and even a janitor that would tell you the funniest knock-knock jokes that you ever heard in your life.

Yes, for anyone who had the privilege of being invited to stay a night in this magical part of the castle, it was a dream come true. For Fleur though, all of this finery was nothing. Her thirteen-thousand thread count sheets and plush feather bed was just another place to sleep on, the breakfast she ate this morning, prepared hours beforehand by a chef, nothing but fuel that she needed to sustain herself with.

Because right now Fleur was no longer Fleur de Lis the supermodel, or Fleur de Lis the noblemare who would have loved to stay at the castle for a few nights. No, Fleur had become a machine with one sole purpose: to win her human back from that backstabbing, no good, jerk of a princess by any means necessary. And, for the last few days, she thought she had gotten off to a rather good start.

After Blueblood had taken her in she had spent almost every waking hour putting her various plans into motion. A smile came to her lips when she remembered her friend’s kindness, and it helped make her feel a little better; not much better, mind you, but enough that she no longer wanted to just lay in a bed eating ice cream until she threw up.
She sent Anny candy, poetry, clothes, anything and everything that she could think of, using the human’s own wooing techniques against him. She spent hours picking out the best flowers, the best chocolates, the finest words and wine that she could find, trying to show him how much she actually cared, and when she felt like that wasn’t working she tried something else; something that really came from the heart.

Her words had slowly started to change from fancy and refined into simplistic, with her writing pages and pages of fluff and not much else, into more honest, and thought out, works that just complimented Anny on his merits and actions... Well, all of her poems except the, um, dirtier ones...

She didn’t write Anny as some mythical hero while she was the blushing princess he had rescued; he was just a normal, kind young man that she happened to really, really like. Fleur honestly could say that it felt better writing this way; it felt like she was getting everything off her chest with each little, lovingly crafted page.

She would have done more, would have trotted to the Sparkle house with a bouquet of flowers or maybe a guitar to play her love some songs or maybe she would have just asked him it he maybe wanted to see a movie with her something, you know, if he wasn’t too busy or anything, if not for the warrant for her arrest that Celestia put out the moment that she had escaped. To her, and Blueblood, and even to Anny, Luna, and Cadance, the warrant seemed a little extreme, but Fleur would continue nonetheless.

She was a smart, wealthy mare with connections all over Canterlot; even if Celestia found her here (which was highly unlikely) she could hop around a few houses and hideouts until the Princess had calmed down enough not to send her to the moon for what she did. All she had to do was simply wait for the heat to die down and for her gifts to soften Anny up before she could go and physically pursue him.

But that was a problem in itself. Fleur wasn’t the type of mare that waited when she wanted something, so being forced to do so was turning out be to a harrowing experience for the supermodel.

I hope that Anny got those flowers I sent him this morning, she thought with a worried frown, pacing Blueblood’s room like she had for the past hour and a half. Was sending him a crate full of them too much? I don’t want to seem like I’m trying TOO hard… Fleur bite her lip before taking a deep breath to calm herself down.

“I only need to keep myself hidden away for a few more days until I can go back to my home and plan my next move,” she muttered, walking over and sitting down in a chair, grabbing the cup of coffee that she had put on the table and taking a sip of it. “I just hope that Anny sees sense before then.”

Fleur laid her head down on the table and closed her eyes, letting everything that had happened over the last few days wash over her. Her house being damaged, her ordering her butler to dump paint on Celestia, and her confessing her feelings to Anny, and with thinking about these things there came doubts. Was what she was doing right for her? Did she actually love this odd creature that had all but fallen into her life? And if she did, in fact, love him, was there actually any chance at all that he would love her back?

Over the past few days she had attacked somepony, who had been a good friend of hers since she was a small filly, she had made a spectacle of herself in front of her fellow nobles, and she had been forced to hide herself away like a common criminal. For any lesser mare, this might actually lead them down the path of despair. Luckily, she was not a lesser mare. She was Fleur de Lis: supermodel extraordinaire! So what if she had been a little down on her luck for the past few days? Hers was a noble cause; her’s was a quest for love!

Slowly, Fleur rose from her chair, her gaze becoming fiery and stern.

Why would I even attempt to doubt myself, she thought, flicking her mane out of her face and striking a pose. There’s no need to worry about my love. Even if Celestia tries to woo him with her title or with her magic or with all of her ‘finery’ I will not be beaten! I will not be overcome by some hussy that steals colts from under their friends’ noses!

If she wasn’t worried about somepony hearing her from the hall, the mare would have raised a hoof in the air while letting out a cheer, but since she couldn’t do that she instead opted for a grin.

“I am sure that Anny loves the roses I sent him,” she said, a little pep in her step as she trotted over to her temporary bed and crawled into it, magicking over a book and cracking it open.

“Courting habits of monkeys,” she read aloud with a little giggle. “A little crude, but I have to start somewhe—“ Fleur’s head whipped over toward the door as soon as she heard the handle turning. Fleur rolled up into a sitting position, ready to hide under the bed in case it was another cleaning pony.

“Fleur, it’s me, Blueblood.”

With a relieved sigh, Fleur sank back down into the bed and reopened her book. “Dieu Merci, it’s just you, Blueblood,” she said with a sigh, not noticing how nervous the prince looked. “And how was your morning, mon ami?”

Blueblood nervously smiled, slowly walking over to her. “Well, I may have heard from a source that Anny is taking Auntie on that date of theirs in a few hours.”

That got the supermodel’s attention, Fleur hopping out of the bed and all but tackling Blueblood with rage in her eyes. “And here I thought I would have a quiet afternoon to read,” she growled in her native tongue. “You say that a source told you this, Bleu?” She cocked her head at him questioningly. “And who would this, how do you say it? ‘Fly on the wall’ be?”

Blueblood smiled nervously. “O-Oh well, unfortunately I’m not able to say,” he said, wincing slightly as he stuttered. “My contact would like to keep themselves anonymous, as it were.”

Fleur hummed in thought. “And how do we know that whoever this pony is is not trying to pull a fast one on us, Bleu?”

With as much flourish as he could muster, Blueblood pulled out the bundle of paper’s that he had been keeping in his saddlebags. Walking over to his coffee table and carefully making enough room, he spread the papers out for Fleur to see.

“This contact of mine has told us where they will be going, the likely paths they will be taking to get there, the likelihood of us being seen if we so wish to do anything, and I believe they even gave us what the two of them are going to be eating,” Blueblood answered, his little smile becoming more confident when he saw Fleur’s eyes light up. “My little bird may be a little suspicious but I promise you, Fleur, that they will be more than willing to help us in the future if we ask.”

“Oh, Bleu,” she cried, kissing the stallion’s cheek before trotting past him and pawing at the notes. “This is magnifique!” She grinned as she started reading, not seeing the dopey smile on Blueblood’s face.

“Bleu, come!” Blueblood yelped as he was magically dragged toward the bathroom, Fleur giggling to herself as she looked around the spacious room for her make-up kit. “The two of us do not have much time to get ready!

Blueblood yelped again when he was launched through the air and onto a stool, Fleur eyeing in critically. “Now, mon ami, what color blush will go best with your eyes?”

The prince gulped as he closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Fleur shuffling around him. Oh dear, I hope this goes well... he thought, for a second cursing himself for letting the pink alicorn talk him into that crazy plan of her’s.

Even as he thought it over, Cadance’s plan still seemed crazy to him; in fact, Blueblood wasn’t even sure how his cousin could have thought up something so batty. If it had been any other pony, or if it had been for any other reason, he would have just laughed in their face and walked away, but…

“Thank you once again for letting me stay in your bedroom, Bleu,” Fleur said, nuzzling the stallion’s cheek before grabbing for a vial of deep bronze blush. “Not many ponies would be kind enough to let somepony into their homes on such short notice.” Blueblood sighed when he felt the supermodel brush a lock of his hair out of his face. There wasn’t another mare in the world that Blueblood would do this for, but to be fair there was no other mare in the world like Fleur. Her elegance, confidence, her beauty... Blueblood could help but wonder, for the thousandth time, why Anny didn’t hop at the chance to be Fleur’s special somepony.

“I can honestly say that I’m the luckiest mare in the world to have a friend like you,” Fleur finished, the warmth in her voice and that hint of her perfume turning the stallion’s legs into jelly.

If that wasn’t enough, he opened his eyes to see Fleur smiling kindly at him, and, for a second, he was almost ready to just tell her how he really felt about her. …Cadance better be right about this, he thought once again, hoping that all of the makeup Fleur was putting on him would help the cover up the blush on his face.

Step Two (Part 1): Remember to Bring Flowers
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Two (Part 1): Remember to Bring Flowers

“Love is in the air, la la la, love is in the air!” Luna hummed, doing a little skip and hop as she sang her little song while trotting back to her room. “We do not know the rest of the song, la la la, love is in the air!”

The Princess of the Night quickly made her way into her room before slamming her door shut behind her.

Closing her eyes, she twirled and spun around her room, singing her little song to herself as she somehow managed to avoid knocking into anything. “Now that the time of love his here, We must not stop and never, ever fear, la la la!” Using a quick spell, she closed her windows and pulled down the blinds. The only thing left illuminating the room was the glow of her horn.

Opening an eye to see if there were any unwanted peepers hiding in her room, Luna pranced over to her closet, tapping on the door twice, then opening and closing, then tapping on it three more times. “Do not worry, sister mine, because we will make sure that thou are not left behind, la la la, love is in the air!”

Once again opening the door, Luna couldn’t help but grin when she saw the usually empty closet had dramatically changed. Now it was loaded, floor to ceiling, with various types of weapons that she had managed to ‘borrow’ from the barracks. Once more looking around to see that the coast was clear, Luna quickly hopped in her closet and closed the door.

“We will be the defender of thy love, as thee and the human soar like doves… something something love!” It took a minute for her to find the light switch, but as soon as she lit up the room she was like a filly in the candy store, trotting around the magically enlarged room and trying to decide what she was going to bring on her little mission. And, while her niece had told her that she probably wasn’t going to need to be armed for her part in making sure that Celestia’s date went smoothly, she thought that it was better to be safe than sorry.

The room was at least twice the size of her bedroom. Weapons, from old to new to even a few prototypes, were neatly racked on every wall. In the middle of the room were bigger weapons and even a few sets of armor, all neatly and carefully set up in a sensible yet eye-catching way. This might
have been the biggest arsenal in Equestria, and Luna was going to have to use every bit of it to make sure that Celestia was going to leave her date with Anny with a big smile on her face.

This was her big sister, the pony that she cared about more than anypony else on this earth, and as the little sister, Luna thought it right that she try to return the years of kindness that her sister had lavished on her. Celestia was the one who she had gone to when she had had a nightmare, Celestia was the one who had helped her raise the moon the first time, and she was the one that knew all of her hopes and dreams just as Luna knew hers.

“And do not worry, sister mine, for those that wish to harm thy behind.”

Trotting over to one of the weapon racks, Luna lovingly picked up a crossbow, giving it a quick once-over before reaching up and grabbing a few bolts with mini plungers on them. “For they will face no greater fury than mine; la la la, love is in the air!”

Luna, ran her hoof down the crossbow’s polished wood, taking a moment to appreciate the craftsmanship that had gone into the weapon before magically strapping it and the quill of bolts onto her back. With another hop, she trotted over to the sword rack. “Don’t you ever fear, for thy little sister is here, to make thy date as perfect as can be, la la la, love is in the air!!!”

~~--<><>--~~

“And you’re sure that I don’t need to bring anything?”

“I already told you, Auntie, Anny and I have everything covered; the only thing that you need to bring is yourself.”

“Are you sure that I’m fine walking out as is? I’d only take a moment to put on a dress…”

Cadance tiredly sighed before taking another sip of her tea as she watched her aunt nervously pace her room back and forth. While Celestia had been calm while she and Anny had been at the gym together, and while Cadance had thought that Celestia was going to be able to keep herself calm for the rest of the day, the solar princess had basically turned into a nervous wreck the second that Anny had disappeared - a giddy, nervous, and twitchy wreck.

When Cadance had refused to tell her where the human had gone, the older alicorn had basically carried her the whole way back to her room to be ‘support’ while Celestia herself tried to drink an ocean’s worth of tea and eat half of her body weight in sweets as she waited for Anny to knock on her door. Celestia was out of her depth; she knew it, Cadance knew it, even the guards that had seen the princess carrying her niece in her magic knew it, and because she was out of her depth Cadance was seeing a side of her aunt that hadn’t shown itself in a very, very long time.

If she was being honest with herself, Cadance actually felt a little bad about how much she was enjoying this. Everypony, no matter how old, always acts like a teenager when they wait for their date to arrive, she mused, trying not to giggle when she saw that her aunt had gotten a hold of a brush and was running it through her mane while muttering to herself about how messy it looked.

Though she thought she looked horrible at the moment, Celestia actually looked as radiant as ever. Cadance had simply done as little as possible for her already beautiful aunt; just a little perfume and a bit of time with a comb had done more than enough in her opinion.

She thinks that Anny wouldn’t love to see her like this, Cadance thought, eyeing her aunt over with a smile. I wonder why mares always think they’d look prettier hiding their natural beauty with makeup? She had to stop herself from laughing when Celestia, seeing that her mane wasn’t staying down, started to paw at it with an angry snort. You’re never more beautiful when you’re just you…

Calmly reaching over, Cadance grabbed the tea pot and poured herself another cup of tea while she watched Celestia slowly work herself into up from simple nervousness to full blown panic. The white alicorn wouldn’t hold still, her purple eyes darting toward the door every few seconds with a mixture of fear and excitement, which was making it harder and harder for Cadance to keep herself from just bursting out laughing at how silly her aunt was being.

Right now she’s freaking out, but as soon as Anny knocks on that door she’ll be as calm and happy as can be. Cadance took a little nibble of her sweet cake while eyeing the door. I have Fleur prepared for, Auntie Luna and Shiny should be getting into positions soon; all Anny needs to do is actually show up so this date can get started.

Not that Cadance was worried that Anny would get cold feet; he was in too deep to back out now for any reason, but one needed to think about these types of things when one was playing the game of love. Every little thing needed to be thought out, every little detail needed to be gone over with a critical eye, and every scenario needed to be considered if one wanted to be a successful matchmaker. In fact one could almost say that it was an art, and today Cadance was going to paint her masterpiece.

It seemed that Celestia finally had enough with fidgeting in her seat, because she stood up with a huff and a determined look. “Should I at least put some makeup on, Cadance? …You know what? I’m going to go do just that, and I’m going to go and put something nice on.”

Cadance snorted, getting up as soon as her aunt darted toward her bathroom and slammed the door behind her. You’d think that more ponies would listen to the Princess of Love, she thought. But noooo, they always—

Knock Knock!

“Is that Anny?!” Cadance heard her aunt yell from her bathroom. “Cadance, stall him for a few minutes! I need to pick out a dress after I finish—“ Cadance trotted over to the door, tuning out Celestia as she threw open the door, revealing Anny.

Well, it looks like SOMEONE is actually taking my advice, Cadance thought as she looked her friend over with a warm smile. “There you are, Anny. I was beginning to wonder if something had happened to you!”

Anny had elected to dress rather plainly for the date (just like Cadance had told him), wearing a simple red t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans, though he looked a little more groomed than usual, his hair cut and combed and his fingernails filed to perfection. And, to her surprise, he actually didn’t look as nervous as she thought he was going to be for this date; he wasn’t even shaking or anything!

“Sorry, I got caught up at the flower shop,” Anny apologized, pulling out a bouquet of flowers that he had been hiding behind his back. “I couldn’t remember what kind of flowers Celestia liked, and the florists kept pestering me to buy more and—“ Stopping himself, Anny leaned slightly into the room.

“Is Celestia not ready?” he asked, suddenly looking nervous. “Because I can come back in a little bit if she needs more—“

With a quiet giggle, Cadance quickly yanked him down to her level. “She’ll be out in a minute,” she said, adjusting his collar with a hoof and straightening out his shirt. “She’s a little nervous.”

“CADANCE, ANSWER ME! IS THAT ANNY?!” A loud crash came from the bathroom. “Oh horseapples… now I’ve gotten eyeliner everywhere.”

Rolling her eyes, and making sure that Anny’s hair was just right, Cadance let him go and trotted toward the bathroom.

“She’ll be out in a minute,” Cadance repeated, looking over her shoulder and eyeing the flowers in Anny’s hand. “And I’m sure she’ll love those roses Anny; just make sure that she doesn’t eat them all before the two of you start eating, alright? Now, if you’ll excuse me , I have to go and make sure that my aunt hasn’t done anything too silly.”

Anny nervously leaned on the door, watching as Cadance gently tapped on the bathroom door before going inside. With a quiet whistle, he gave himself a quick look over before eyeing the blue roses that he had bought.

“These better not be those cheap roses that don’t taste like anything,” he muttered, leaning and taking a quick whiff to see if they smelled like blueberries. The mare at the flower shop had said that they were going to taste like blueberries but Anny had his doubts. “That flower shop didn’t look too shady, but I know that there’s—“

Crash!

“AUNTIE, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND GO ON YOUR DATE!”

Anny jumped in fright as a flurry of sound came from the bathroom.

“I JUST NEED A FEW MORE MINUTES TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK PERFECT!”

Boom!

“ANNY’S WAITING RIGHT NOW, AUNTIE, YOU NEED—STOP PUTTING THAT ON, FOR THE LOVE OF—“

“NO, YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK SILLY! I NEED TO PUT ON A DRESS. ANNY ISN’T GOING TO WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH A MARE THAT’S NAKED! OTHERWISE HE WOULDN'T WEAR CLOTHES HIMSELF!!!”

“YOU”RE BEING SILLY!”

“NO, YOU’RE TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY DATE!!!”

Anny almost took a step toward the bathroom when he heard the sounds of magic being used, which was followed by more crashing, things breaking, and even more colorful swearing, but he thought better of it.

...I’ll just let that sort itself out, he thought, awkwardly shifting in place.

“WILL YOU STOP MOVING AND HOLD STILL FOR ONE SECOND SO I CAN GET THE HOOF POLISH OFF YOU?!”

“JUST WAIT OUTSIDE; I’M ALMOST DONE APPLYING THIS LIPSTICK!”

There was more crashing, this time followed by what sounded like yelps of pain and a flurry of spells being cast. Anny took a step backward when he felt the whole castle temple slightly. Yep, I’m not having anything to do with that, he thought with a nod.

“PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!”

“NO; GET AWAY FROM ME FOR THE LAST TIME. NOW I’M GOING TO HAVE TO REAPPLY ALL OF THIS!!!”

“PUT THAT DOWN AND--THAT’S IT!”

“STOP PULLING— HEY DON’T!—“

Anny watched as Celestia was launched through the door, the alicorn yelping as she hit the floor and slid toward him.

The Solar Princess sighed, closing her eyes and letting her wings droop into the floor with her front legs pressed against her chest, blowing a bit of her mane out of her face before muttering, “I was going to get out of the bathroom in a minute; there was no need to get that huffy.”

Trying not to laugh, Anny cleared his throat. “Are you alright there, princess?”

Celestia’s eyes snapped open to look up at him, the alicorn blinking a couple of times before scrambling to her hooves. “O-Oh, hello, Anny,” she said brightly, adjusting her mane with a bit of magic. “You’re looking…” she trailed off, a little smile coming to her face as she looked at the flowers.

“Oh, are those for me?” she whispered dreamingly.

Anny just handed her flowers, watching as she sat on her haunches and looked them over. Closing her eyes, Celestia smelled them.

“Thank you, Anny.” She took a bite of one of the roses, humming at the flavor. “Hum, blueberry, my favorite…”

Anny looked at his shoes. “I just went to a flower shop and picked them out,” he told her, trying not to blush when he heard her giggle. “Since I can’t eat them, I just picked out the ones that looked the nicest and—“

The sound of breaking glass came from the bathroom before a bruised and battered and on fire, but smiling, Cadance trotted out of the bathroom. Celestia smiled guiltily as Anny looked down at her questioningly before looking over to her niece.

“Cadance, honey, hold still for a moment and let me—“

Licking her hoof, Cadance put out the small fire that had been raging on the end of her horn. “You two go and have a good time, alright?” she said, eye twitching as her crown split in half and fell on the ground. “Make sure to get my aunt home by seven, Anny; I’m going to get somepony to clean up this mess!”

Anny took a step toward her. “Are you alright there, Cadance?” he asked in concern. “You don’t look so hot.”

Cadance giggled, smiling up at him. “Oh, Anny, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to chase somepony out of the bathroom.” She waved a hoof dismissively. “I’m fine; you don’t need to worry about me,”

Anny nodded uncertainly. “If you’re sure…”

“I’m sure. You two go have fun.” Cadance walked over and shooed the two of them out of the bedroom, closing the door before slumping to the floor in exhaustion.

“I don’t get paid enough for this…”

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going, Anny?”

“Nope.”

“Could I just get a little hint, please?”

“Naha, sorry.”

It was a lovely day to be out and about Canterlot. Ponies were trotting around, smiles on their faces as they went about their business, nobles and commoners alike mingling and chatting happily with each other helped make the presumably long walk toward their destination enjoyable.

The general good mood didn’t seem to really perk up Celestia though, the princess slowly following Anny, her eyes searching for anything and everything, nodding to each and every pony that bowed to her or called out a greeting. She wasn’t in a bad mood, far from it in fact, it was just that she was just a teeny tiny bit... nervous.

Being out of the dating game for so long had made Celestia forget the many feelings that one feels when you go on a date with someone for the first time. The fear that something was going to go wrong, the hope that you were going to make a good impression on the other person, the delight and the butterflies that went along with being lead through a city to your destination by your date; all of these, these hopes and tears and wishes, were the things that made finding that special someone all the better and more exciting. Not that some of those feeling were weren’t annoying to be fair.

Celestia snorted in good-hearted irritation as she let Anny drag her through the streets of her city, obviously going the long way so as to keep her guessing where he was taking her. “Anny, just remember that I know this city like the back of my hoof; even if you don’t tell me where we’re going there’s a good chance I’ll be able to guess before we get there,” she warned, nibbling on her roses that she was holding aloft with her magic.

Anny looked back at her with a big smile. “I’m sure you will, Celestia,” he said, in a contrary tone and a teasing look. “But hopefully I’ll be able to keep you guessing before we get there.”

Glancing around to check the street signs, Celestia quickened her pace so she was side-by-side with her date. “Could you at least tell me if we’re going to dinner first?” She tapped the side her Anny’s head with her half-eaten bouquet. “I don’t want to ruin my appetite by eating all of these.”

Just tell me where we’re going, she silently begged, almost shaking with anticipation. Just give me a bit of a hint so I can figure it out!

She honestly didn’t even care where he was going to take her, but it was almost like an itch she needed to scratch. Was Anny taking her out to a fancy restaurant? Was he going to try making food himself? All of these unknown factors were making Celestia, a mare who liked to be prepared, more than a little nervous. So, even though she didn’t care about where Anny was taking her, she needed to know; if for nothing else than to at least mentally prepare herself for what her friend had in mind.

On our next date I’ll make sure to tease him this much; we’ll see how much he likes it! Celestia thought to herself before her eyes widened. We haven’t even gone on the first date and I’m already thinking about the next one? She couldn’t help but giggle girlishly to herself, trailing slightly behind Anny so he wouldn’t see the blush that was slowly coming onto her face. Now, now, Celestia, you need to finish the first one before—

“Celestia, watch out!”

The Solar Princess was torn out of her thoughts as a she was launched bodily in the air. Eyes widening, she couldn’t help but squeak in surprise as her wings jutted out in a vain attempt to righten herself. Horseapples! Horseappling son of a diamond dog--

CLANG!

Anny gritted his teeth as he threw Celestia into the air with a pained grunt, the alicorn’s wings slapped against his arms, almost making him lose his grip on the squeaking princess, as he stumbled forward to just barely catch her, trying to ignore the sudden, and slightly searing, pain that came with throwing and catching some one like an idiot. Still eyeing the thing the thing that was crashing down toward them, he carried his date, hopping over a few staring ponies before running away as fast as his feet could carry him. Nopenopenopenopenope!

A paint can, filled to the brim with bright green paint, crashed against the cobblestone street with enough force to send paint flying everywhere. Ponies who weren’t lucky enough to see the paint can falling in time were coated in the substance, many gasping in surprise before righteous outrage set in, noble and commoner alike scanning the rooftops for the idiot that managed to ruin their morning.

Releasing the wide-eyed princess, he sighed, looking up at the roof. “Are you alright, Celestia? You nearly got clocked in the head with that thing.”

Celestia looked up at Anny in confusion. “Who was--what was…” She frowned. “Antaeus, did you just throw me?!”

Anny flinched. “...Sorry, there was just this paint can and it was about to hit you and…” Trailing off, he simply pointed toward the devastation.

Celestia followed his hand, her eyes widening when she saw all of the paint covered ponies, buildings, and stands. She just stood there for a moment, taking the scene in, before turning back toward Anny, her angry look replaced with a grateful smile.

“Thank you for saving me, Anny,” she said, before closing her eyes and casting a simple cleaning spell, taking paint off pony and shop alike. Sighing, she looked up at her date and smiled apologetically. “Excuse me, Anny, I’ll be right back after I check and see if my ponies are alright.”

Anny smiled. “We’re not on a time schedule, Celestia,” he said, shooing her away with a hand. “I’ll wait here for you.”

Giving Anny a final smile, Celestia turned toward the small crowd of ponies. “Is everypony alright?” she asked, trotting around, nuzzling and looking over everypony within arms length.

Anny nodded, still eyeing the roofs as Celestia trying to calm a crying foal. “I wonder where that came from,” he muttered. “I don’t see anyone painting… and there’s no one on the roofs…”

Hopefully it’s not who I think it is, he thought, looking down to see Celestia nuzzling a baby that was still in its stroller, the mother smiling and the baby laughing and pawing at her face; a sight that very nearly killed him. Cadance said that she would make sure that everything went alright… And I trust her.

That didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to keep an eye out for any more “accidents,” but he was going to try his best to keep his mind off any crazy supermodels and enjoy the date that he had been trying to get for months with one of the most wonderful mares in the world.

“I’m sorry for making you wait, Anny… and for thinking that you’d just throw me without good reason, ” Celestia apologized, trotting back over to him. “I made sure that the paint is all cleaned up and I believe I made friends with the cutest little foal,” she nudged her head at the still laughing child. “The poor little thing looked scared to death, and I couldn’t just let her cry like that.”

Anny smiled, giving her ear a scratch. “I saw. You know, if you’re trying to give me a heart attack, you could at least warn me before you go playing with babies,” he teased, his smile getting bigger when the big mare blushed.

“I’m also sorry about the flowers.” Looking over her shoulder she saw that her bouquet had been absolutely covered in paint and crushed under the hooves of multiple ponies.

“Well, I’d rather have the flowers get ruined than you getting knocked out by a paint can,” Anny said with a nervous chuckle, once again eyeing the roofs. “It would be a little hard to explain if I had to bring you home covered in paint and with a lump on your head.”

Gratefully smiling up at him, Celestia looked up at the sun. “Unfortunate accidents aside, the two of us should really get going.” She nudged him with a wing. “My sister and niece want us back at the castle in a few hours so we should hurry up and get to our destination before anything else happens.”

Anny sighed as Celestia warily eyed the hoof tops. “I’m going to have a great date with you, Princess,” he said, sounding resolute. “I don’t care what I have to do, and I don’t care who’s trying to stop the date from happening, ponies or fate or whatever, I’m going to enjoy my date with you because it might be the only one I get.”

With a giggle, Celestia leaned up and nuzzled his cheek before trotting past him. “Come on, Mr. Sweet-talker, we only have so much time,” she took a few steps before stopping in her tracks.

Anny cocked his head at her as her wings flapped in what he assumed was excitement before looking back at him, a big, cheeky smile on her face, and asking, “We’re going to Canterlot lake, aren’t we?”

Anny’s smile instantly became a frown. “How did you know?” he asked, crossing his arms.

Celestia just giggled again. “I didn’t,” she said, matter-of-factly. “But you just told me.” Anny opened his mouth, then promptly closed it, making Celestia chuckle as she nudged him forward with her magic. “I told you I was going to find out where we’re going,” she said, patting his cheek with a wing before wrapping the feathery appendage around his shoulders and leading him through the streets.

“…Cheater,” Anny finally muttered, trying not to smile as Celestia pulled him closer toward her.

The princess looked back at him, her eyes shining with mischief. “All’s fair in love and war,” she said airily, her chest puffing out slightly as she waved a hoof daintily around. “All’s fair in love and war.”

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

“La la la, love is in the air, na na na, love is in the air, blah blah blah, love is in the air!”

Luna adjusted herself on her makeshift seat, the smallish crate creaking slightly but firmly holding under the Night Princess’s weight. She would have preferred actually bringing something more comfortable to sit on but with all of her ‘tools’, along with having to haul everything up on her little crow’s nest, had forced her to be a little sparse in the way of luxuries. Besides, the royal caboose had withstood some of the most uncomfortable chairs in existence; sitting on a crate was nothing.

“Big Moon, this is Heartbreaker, come in.”

Luna rolled her eyes as she adjusted the scope on her crossbow, sighting in on Anny and Celestia finally making their way toward one of Canterlot’s many parks. “Shining Armor, thou will use the code name that your wife gave thee and thou will like it.”

“But—“

“We did not like the name Big Moon but do thou hear us complaining?”

Luna glared at the communication crystal that was to her left, hoping that her annoyance could be felt through it. “Now, try again.”

Her crystal was silent for a few seconds before she heard a resigned sigh. “Big Moon this is… Honeybuns… come in, over.”

Luna giggled quietly as she peered back through her scope. “This is Big Moon; we hear thee, Honeybuns.” She had to bite her tongue to keep herself from snorting. “We have spotted Fleur and Blueblood just a moment ago; we tried to fire upon them but We… may have missed.”

Shining grunted in irritation. “You’re lucky that Anny got your sister out of the way when he did. Another two seconds and you’d have sent your sister to the hospital.”

“We did not mean to hit the paint can,” Luna snapped defensively. “And do not underestimate the resilience of alicorns, Honeybuns; at worst our sister would have had a mild headache if the can would have struck its mark.”

“Just try to keep from hitting Anny and Celestia anymore, alright?”

“As long as thou keep an eye on Blueblood and Fleur like thee are supposed to be doing,” Luna countered. “We cannot watch our sister and them at the same time, young Armor!”

“You weren’t even supposed to be shooting at them; heck, you were just supposed to watch Anny and your sister, not climb up some tower like a crazy pony!”

“We do like thy tone, Cur! We wish to watch over our sister our own way; if thou hast a problem with it--”

“Will you two stop yelling at each other!” another pony cried on the line. “We all can argue later; right now we need to make sure that everything goes perfectly!”

“…Sorry dear,” Shining muttered.

“Thou are as whipped as the cream that they serve on cakes, young prince,” Luna said with a giggle, watching as Anny led Celestia toward one of the park’s many trees. “And do not worry, niece, so long as we watch over them with Crossy”-Luna nuzzled the butt of her crossbow-“no treachery will befall their date on this day!”

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Celestia watched as Anny pulled out a picnic basket from behind a bush and set it down in between them. “I was wondering what we were going to eat,” she mused with a giggle, trying to sneak a peek into the basket before Anny snatched it away from her, looking into it before closing the lid with a relieved sigh.

“No one took anything, good,” he muttered before looking at Celestia with a nervous smile. “I was having a bit of a problem with some of the squirrels this morning,” he explained, quickly pulling out two cans of soda and two plates of food, a daisy sandwich for the Princess and a peanut butter one for him, before leaning against the tree that they were sheltering under.

“I have some stuff to make more sandwiches if you want another one.” Anny patted the basket, watching as Celestia took a bite out of her meal. Pleasedon’tbebadpleasedon’tbebadpleasedon—

“This was not the fancy dinner that I was expecting, Anny—“ For a moment, Anny forgot to breathe in his sudden panic, his eyes widening as he started to sputter apologies.

“I’m sorry and, um, I d-didn’t mean—”

“—But I think that I might prefer having a date out in the open like this.”

Celestia looked out on the lake as Anny slumped to the ground, relief practically dripping off him. “It’s nice and open and simple, I don’t have to worry about being anypony other than me out here, and I get to enjoy the feel of the trees and the grass.” Anny quickly sat up, trying his best to look calm and collected, as the princess looked over at him while she took another bite of her sandwich.

Realizing that he hadn’t eaten anything yet, Anny quickly grabbed his sandwich and took a bite. “And this is better than sitting in a stuffy room waiting for our food,” he chuckled, reaching over and opening up his pop. “And doing something like this is perfect if you’re broke.”

Anny grinned as Celestia almost spit up her pop, the alicorn coughing loudly before managing to swallow her sugary beverage. “So I’m just a cheap date?” She asked, fake-glaring at him with a giggle.

Anny shook his head, praying that he hadn’t just said something stupid. “No, I’m the cheap date.” He waved a hand around the blanket that they were sitting on before that nervous feeling came back.

Maybe I should have actually spent a bit more than twenty bits on this date, he thought, taking another bite of his sandwich. A princess deserves more than a few crummy sandwiches and a couple cans of pop!

And just like that, all of those nights of Cadance assuring Anny that everything was going to be fine just crumbled away, Anny becoming more and more stressed with each tick of the clock. Without realizing it, Anny started to shake, the human just staring at his sandwich, his mind raging with—

“Oh my, Anny, is it nippy out?” Anny jumped slightly as a wing wrapped around him, Celestia seemingly appearing at his side. The alicorn looked up at the sky, giving the air a cautious sniff before her wing tightened around him.

“It feels like it’s getting colder,” she said with a nod, pushing him against her side while she finished up her sandwich. “Doesn’t it seem chilly out to you?”

Despite the fact that it was actually a pretty warm day, Anny nodded slowly, leaning into the princess. “I-It does seem like it’s g-getting a little colder,” he said weakly as Celestia levitated over the picnic basket and pulled out a jar peanut butter, jam, a knife, and bread.

Celestia simply nodded again. “It’s practically frigid out, and it feels like it’ll get windy any second,” she replied sagely. “So you’ll just have to stay right here until the two of us finish eating.”

Anny leaned into the princess’s body further, his frayed nerves calming at the comforting touch. “Alright, Celestia,” he said quietly, closing his eyes and smiling gratefully. “And thanks… f-for making sure that I don’t get sick or anything, I mean…”

With that the two went to quietly eating, Anny awkwardly grabbing his sandwich and pop, the only sounds filling the air was the sounds of chewing, drinking, and the swooshing of the leaves on the tree.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Blueblood adjusted the fake glasses on his face, along with his mustache, trying not to awe as he watched his aunt snuggle against her date as the two of them ate. For about ten minutes, he and Fleur, who was dressed up as an elderly mare with a cane, had been watching the two just sitting there eating their sandwiches and idly chatting about this and that.

I do hope that the two of them actually get up and do something other than just sit there, the prince thought, looking over at Fleur, who was about ready to lose her mind. If Blueblood had thought that the little scene before him was adorable, it was the exact opposite for the supermodel. Right now she was shaking slightly, tears starting to form as she muttered angrily to herself in Prench, which left
Blueblood in a difficult position, and that’s saying something when you’re dressed up in a dumb outfit hiding in some bush while she watches your aunt like a stalker.

On one hoof, he wanted his aunt to be happy; and if Anny made her happy he was willing to welcome him with open hooves. He had gotten to know Anny these past few months and had actually like the alien. But on the other hoof, it was almost physically hurting him to see one of his best friends in their state. He wanted to help her- no, he wanted to be the one in Anny’s situation, laughing and joking with the one that he cared about while the two of them just ate and watched the lake.

But, since even the thought of telling Fleur his feeling almost had him want to throw up, Cadance had helpfully given him a way to ease into telling her how he felt.

Trying to make sure that he looked like an everyday average stallion, whose mustache happened to be just a little bit too crooked, Blueblood trotted over to the bush that Fleur was hiding in and sat down next to her. Peering down into the bush, he sighed as he reached in and pulled out a little picnic basket.

Thank Faust that it’s still here, he thought, relieved, as he touched Fleur’s side.

“Fleur, why don’t the two of us get something to eat?” he asked with a smile as he opened the picnic basket. “We don’t want them to hear our stomachs rumbling do we?”

Quietly sniffling, Fleur quietly thanked the prince as he passed her a sandwich and a juice box. “Look at them, Bleu,” she whispered. “Laughing and joking with each other while we are here.” She gestured at the bush she was hiding in. “Hiding like common dogs.”

His smile getting wider, Blueblood quickly pulled out a blanket, unfolding it and placing it on the ground. “I’m sure that they won’t be able to see us if we sit here.” He patted the space next to him as he pulled out his own sandwich. “Why make ourselves uncomfortable?”

Fleur looked at Anny and Celestia before weakly smiling at him. “This bush is uncomfortable,” she said, quietly getting out of her bush and sitting next to him. “But we must still be vigilant, Bleu, we must find the perfect opportunity to sabotage this date.”

Blueblood’s smile twitched as he reached back into his basket and hoofed Fleur a small bag of hay chips. “I’m sure it will, Fleur,” he said carefully, taking a bite out of his sandwich. “But why don’t we make sure the two of us are in tip-top shape right now?”

Sighing, Fleur leaned into the prince as she loudly slurped her juice. “Merci, Bleu,” she said, closing her eyes as Blueblood did his best impression of a statue - a big, blushing statue.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

“Yes… everything’s going as planned.”

With a suspiciously evil-sounding cackle, Cadance put down the binoculars she was holding and examined the little notebook she had at her side.

Make sure that Anny and Celestia successfully get to their date.
Get Blueblood to distract Fleur long enough so she can’t ruin anything.
Make sure that Luna doesn’t hurt anypony. (May need to put her somewhere else)

Nodding, she picked her binoculars back up and surveyed the scene, from Anny and Celestia cuddling against the tree to Blueblood and Fleur quietly eating their sandwiches in silence. At least Fleur doesn’t look so miserable now, she thought, picking up her communication crystal. She might actually like you more than you think, Blue; even if she doesn’t realize it yet.

“Honeybuns, Big Moon, this is Big Wig. The first phase of our operation is successful; I repeat, the first phase of our operation is successful.”

There was a bit of static before Luna muttered, “We hath observed from our crow’s nest, Big Wig. We also have a clear shot of the miscreant supermodel; should we fire upon her?”

Cadance snorted. “Do not take the shot, Big Moon; I repeat, do not take that shot. We’re trying to help Fleur, and shooting her in the face with a plunger isn’t going to help anypony.”

“We would not shoot her in the face!... We would strike her in center mass.”

Shaking her head, the Princess of Love continued. “Just stay planted, you two. Everything’s calm right now, but we need to be on our hooves until Anny leaves Celestia at her bedroom doorway after the two of them hug!”

“Roger that, Honey, I’ve just gotten in position and everything’s set up. Now I’m just waiting on Anny to start the next step.”

With another nod, Cadance quietly levitated a pair of aviators and a cap and quickly put them on, leaning out her window and staring at the sun a moment before muttering, “I have a need… for speed,” then falling back into her room with a playful giggle.

“Oh horseapples is this fun!”

Step Two (part two): Make Sure to Bring Water Wings
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Two (part two): Make Sure to Bring Water Wings

A picnic-date by the lake - something that Celestia had honestly never experienced in all of her years. Sure, she had a picnic by the lake with a friend or two or maybe her sister a few times, but never on a date, and for good reason. One did not take a princess on such a date; it was too out in the open, too common for one such as her. She was a princess, somepony that had ruled her kingdom well for over a thousand years. She was supposed to be wined and dined with the finest foods, not with something as lowly and simple as a daisy sandwich and juice while sitting on a simple blanket exposed to the elements like she was!

If ponies had heard what Anny had done, there might have been riots in the streets. The nobility would demand the human’s head. Discord would have (literally) laughed his head off! Creatures all over the world would be enraged at the news; from the gryphon kings to the minotaur chieftains there would bellow and shout and demand that Anny be arrested for some silly reason. There’d be anarchy in the streets for treating somepony like her like this! And, if it wasn’t bad form to kiss someone on the first date, Celestia would have laid one right on Anny for this wonderful, normal little date.

Honestly, Anny couldn’t have picked a better place, nor could he have picked better food, and the view of the lake was superb in Celestia’s opinion. The wind was blowing through her mane, she had enough food and drink to fill her belly and there was more if she wanted it, and she had excellent company - three things that made every situation better and more fulfilling, in her humble opinion.

She had worried that Anny was actually going to try to take her out to the finest restaurants; or take her to an opera or something silly like that, but thankfully he had proved her wrong. She could not care less what she had had to eat, or where he was going to take her; Celestia just wanted Anny to be Anny, and right now, as she watched him reaching for his sandwich in the picnic basket that he had hidden in a bush (which was one of the most adorable things she had ever seen in her life) the monarch couldn’t help but smile to herself.

With a simple little date like this she’d be able to do something that she had desperately craved to do for hundreds of years, which was to just let her mane down and be herself. Out here, under the trees, she wasn’t Celestia Solare, lady of the sun and ruler of Equestria. Right now she was just Celestia, the big mare that happened to enjoy cake a little too much and who liked long walks on the beach and who also wanted somepony to love her.

It is very nice out here, she thought, making sure that Anny wasn’t looking her way before carefully scooting closer toward him. It’s good to see that this old lake still sees some use after all of this time… She froze mid-scooch as her date looked at her with a smile. Smiling back she took a bite out of her sandwich, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.

“The sandwich is delicious, Anny,” she said, trying to ignore the rapid thumping in her chest.

Anny nodded, patting the basket beside him. “I can make as many of ‘em as you want, Celestia,” he said brightly. Celestia caught a hint of nervousness in his voice. “Or if you want a peanut butter and jelly one I have plenty of stuff to make those too.”

The princess was about to take another bite out of her sandwich when she was hit with a bout of inspiration and she had a horrible, awful, wonderful idea, a… need if you will. Biting her lip her mind churned.

…It IS a crazy idea, she admitted to herself, taking a bite out of her sandwich and taking a quick gulp of her juice. The plan, which could have been a vision from Discord himself, may have been too crazy for her to go through with it, and for a moment she toyed with the idea of just sitting there eating her food, but then she shook her head and squared her shoulders.

I have orchestrated battle plans that went off without a hitch, I’ve outsmarted some of the greatest minds in the history! I’m sure that I can make this plan work! I mean I was already making my way toward him…

A small smile coming to her face, Celestia quickly drew up a mental plan, summoning up a bit of her courage, and enacted it.

“Did you say that you have peanut butter and jelly, Anny?” she asked, feigning interest while moving her juice out of the way.

Anny looked up from his sandwich and nodded. Swallowing, he said, “Yeah, I got a big jar of Twinkle Toes and Mrs. Sparkle gave me a bit of that homemade jelly that she likes to make.”

She hummed theatrically, scooching over once again the second that he looked away from her and took a huge bite out of her sandwich. “I might actually want one of those, if you don’t mind.” She waved what was left of her meal in Anny’s face. “I believe that it would go down really well with this juice.”

Come on; just a little closer…

Minutes went by as she scooched inch by inch toward Anny, only stopping when the human either talked or looked at her, and with each inch closer to her target her heart would race, her wings would twitch, and her mane would whirl around her head like it was caught up in a storm, all the while she keep mentally egging herself on while trying not to break the gentle smile on her face.

Over two thousand years of ruling, and all of the knowledge that she had acquired during that time, steadied her mind and body during this tense period of her master plan. Each movement was masterfully measured, each movement hidden with the utmost skill, a skill that few mortals could hope to match. It was no wonder that Anny didn’t realize what was happening until the trap was sprung.

“Oh my, Anny, is it nippy out?”
The human tensed in surprise as Celestia, who was staring at the lake like her life depended on it, quickly draped a wing over his shoulder.

By all that is holy, please don’t blush!

“It feels like it’s getting colder.” As gently as she could, Celestia tightened her wing’s grip on Anny, pushing the human slightly against her chest. Taking a bite out of her sandwich, and noticing with irritation that it was shaking slightly in her magic, Celestia forced herself to look down into Anny’s questioning eyes. “Doesn’t it seem chilly out, Anny?”

Celestia smiled when she felt Anny lean into her, the now red-faced man holding onto his peanut butter sandwich like his life depended on it while his mind tried to process what was happening.Right now she was standing on the edge of a knife, waiting for Anny to pass judgment on her forwardness.

The seconds ticked by as Celestia quietly levitated over the picnic basket and peered inside, the alicorn trying not to smile as Anny gently nuzzled into her side before muttering, “I-It does seem to be getting colder.”

And just like that, all of the tension that had been slowly building up in Celestia’s body vanished, a triumph smile on her face as she snuck a look down at Anny, who, though still a little tense, was slowly relaxing under her wing. She might not have been able, or even willing, to kiss on the first date, but she was pretty sure that there were no rules about snuggling someone , a loophole that she was more than willing to exploit.

“It’s practically frigid out, and it feels like it’ll get windy any second,” Celestia said, hoping to calm Anny down further. “So you’ll just have to stay right here until the two of us finish eating.”

Anny stopped eating his sandwich to look up at her for a moment, something flashing in his eyes that Celestia didn’t quite catch before he simply nodded and went back to staring at the lake.

It was… nice, sitting there under a little maple tree like this. There wasn’t any talking, no silly comments about the weather or the two just asking the other about things they already knew. There was just the quiet sounds of the two of them eating together, and the even fainter sound of a certain princess’s rapidly beating heart.

Thank Faust he didn’t take that the wrong way, Celestia thought, grabbing a can of soda out of the picnic basket while also making a quick sandwich for herself. I don’t want to come off as a hussy.

Once again she glanced down at Anny from the corner of her eye. The human, though about as tall as her when standing, barely came up to her chest sitting like he was. Through her wing, Celestia could feel the gentle rising and falling of his chest with each breath he took; something that she was finding oddly relaxing to the point where she found herself leaning more and more against him. Not that Anny really seemed to mind, since he seemed to be leaning more and more into her.

The quiet, cozy little scene might have lasted longer (not that Celestia would have minded) but Anny decided to shatter the silence.

“Well, are you going to try to guess what else we’re gonna be doing today?”

Celestia paused mid-bite to look down at him. Eyebrow quirking, she answered, “I thought that you wanted to keep me in the dark, my little human.”

Anny snorted at her tone and gave her side a playful nudge. “You’re the one that wouldn’t stop pestering me about where we were going to go.”

Celestia raised her head high in the air and puffed her chest out. “A princess does not pester, Antaeus,” she said dismissively in her best regal voice. “And I might have an idea or two about what we’re doing after we finish these excellent sandwiches.” She cracked open an eye to stare back down at him. “Might I ask where you happened to get this bread? I might have somepony go down and get a few loaves after this date of ours is over.”

“Oh, bread is more important than our date now, huh?” he asked in a hurt tone that almost made Celestia snort up her soda.

“It is very good bread.” She took another bite out of her sandwich to empathize her point, all the while scanning the area like a hawk.

I wonder WHAT my dear little human IS going have us do, she thought, brow furrowing slightly. There really doesn’t seem like—

“How do you feel about row boats?”

Celestia’s ears perked, the rest of her body not moving an inch as one single purple eyes stared down at a smiling Anny, regarding him for an instant, before it turned its gaze toward the lake. “…We’re going row boating?” she asked, sounding unsure.

Anny took a bite out of his sandwich, trying to ignore how hot it was getting under Celestia’s wing. If he had to be a little warm to enjoy the best seat in the house than he was more than happy to sweat a little bit for continued wing-cuddles.
“Well, yeah.” He scratched an arm nervously. “I thought it’d be neat to go out and mess around the lake; it looks like it’s be something that—“

As Anny tried to explain himself, he didn’t notice the excited smile slowly coming to Celestia’s face, a smile which grew and grew and grew until it looked like it was coming off her face; he also didn’t notice when his date started shaking in excitement, but he did notice when Celestia’s wing left his body and ticked back into her side.

Eyes widening, and wondering if he had done something wrong, Anny started shimmering and stuttering incoherently. “W-We could go do something e-else if you don’t want to—“

“Nonsense!” Celestia said just a little too loudly, getting to her hooves as quickly as she could while throwing everything back into the picnic basket, half-eaten sandwiches, just opened sodas, even Anny’s food. “I haven’t rowed a boat since I was a little filly!” She looked like she ready to just charge down to the lake herself. “I’d love to go row boating with you, my little human!”

Anny quietly let Celestia pick him up and pull him to his feet with her magic, his nervousness replacing his confusion.
Cadance said that she’d like to go row boating but I never thought she’d be THIS excited…
Stepping off the picnic blanket, Anny watched as Celestia bundled it up and threw it in the picnic basket along with everything else.
Nuzzling Anny’s face, and with her Pinkie-like smile still on her face, Celestia pointed toward the lake. “Come on, Anny, we’ve eaten enough. It’s time to row some boats!”

Anny opened his mouth but then closed it when the Princess giggled and practically skipped toward the lake, a small smile coming to his face as he watched her. …At least she didn’t tell me it was a dumb idea, he thought, jogging after her.
I REALLY need to ask Cadance why the Princess is so excited about something as silly as rowing around on a lake…

<><>~~~<><>~~~<><>

After getting her sandwich and juice, Fleur’s mood had picked up significantly, and Blueblood had capitalized on it as much as possible. The prince had made sure to tell the supermodel how things were going back at her mansion and how he had personally made sure that it had been repaired in record time, and he told her about all of the new Canterlot gossip (making sure to leave out any that involved her) and what was going on in within the city itself. The topic really didn’t matter to him, as long as he kept Fleur’s mind off of Anny and Celestia’s date.

It took a few sandwiches, ten cans of soda, a few silly gestures, and far more talking than Blueblood cared to do, but the prince had finally managed to bring a smile to Fleur’s face. It wasn’t a big one, more of a twitch of the mouth really, but it spurred Blueblood on.

He started telling Fleur a few jokes that he had heard, he told a few stories that Fleur had heard a thousand times, he even wrapped a hoof around the mare’s shoulder (doing his best to keep his composure) in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. He hated seeing Fleur like this. He hated seeing what this little jealous spat between her and his aunt was doing to her, but what he hated most of all about the whole thing was his inability to really do much about the situation.

He was a prince of Equestria, he had more political power than half of the nobles and he had more money in his bank account today than most ponies would see their lifetimes. A word from him could, and sometimes would, make or break a pony in this city. He had (whether or not he wanted it) quite a bit of power on his hooves, but money and power wasn’t going to fix this situation one bit. No, Blueblood knew what he needed to do to fix this; all he needed to do was stallion up and tell her how he felt.

All he’d been to do was tell her how she always made his day, how he had thought she was the prettiest mare in the world when the two were younger, and how that belief had only intensified as the years ticked by. He could have looked her in the eye and told Fleur that she was the funniest, smartest, and best mare that he had ever had the pleasure of knowing, and he would be the luckiest stallion in the world if she’d be his, but all of that money and power he had didn’t earn or buy him courage; something that he always seemed to lose whenever he tried to bring it up with her.

It had been painful, as the years had gone by, as Blue had watched Fleur grow up, dating stallions and having her heart broken again and again, all while knowing that there was a chance, just a chance, that he could be the one to fill that empty space in the supermodel’s heart, and also knowing that he wasn’t brave enough to follow through with his feelings.

Cadance is helping me now, the prince thought, eyeing Fleur as she gently nuzzled his shoulder, leaning against him just a little bit more and watching Anny and Celestia intently as she took a sip of her pop. She’ll be able to figure out how to get me to tell Fleur how I feel without fainting in panic…

A small part of him knew that even the Princess of Love wasn’t going to be able to help him through this, and that only he was going to be the one to do it, but at least she’d be—

“They’re going down to the lake, Bleu!”

Blueblood grunted in surprise when Fleur launched herself off of him and onto her hooves. Looking back at him, the mare nudged her head toward the lake. “Come, Bleu, if we hurry we will be able to beat them there!”

Before Blueblood could ask her what she had planned, or even open his mouth for that matter, Fleur was gone with a pop, her teleportation violently tossing up paper plates and empty pop cans, leaving the poor prince alone with his mouth agape.

And here we were just having a wonderful picnic, he lamented, getting to his hooves with a grunt. Even though he still wasn’t too keen in helping ruin his aunt’s date, Blueblood trotted toward the lake, making sure to keep out of Anny and Celestia’s sight. Like Cadance had told him, he was just going to have to play along with Fleur until her “brilliant plan” was concluded, so play along he would.

Stopping and hiding in a bush, the prince reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a little stone.
“High Horse to command, the target is on the move,” he whispered.

The other line was dead for a few moments before Blueblood heard Cadance’s cheery reply. “I see her High Horse,” she said. “Good job keeping her in one place for so long, but you need to go and follow her!”

“Do you want me to do something if Fleur tries anything?” the prince asked with a nervous gulp.

“Negative, High Horse, though if you can talk Fleur into just leaving so the two of you could go to some coffee shop, maybe talk about a few things and~--”

Now blushing, Blueblood quickly placed the stone back into his pocket before getting out of the bush. “Stupid Cadance,” he muttered, catching sight of Fleur racing down toward the boats.

I swear to Faust if we ACTUALLY ruin Auntie’s date and SHE CATCHES US I only hope that Cadance has something up her sleeve to keep us from being incinerated… I believe I could look dreadful burnt to a crisp.

__<><><~~~><><>__

From her crossbow’s scope, Luna watched as Fleur teleported from tree to tree, keeping a watchful eye for Celestia and Luna as she made her way down toward a small row of rowboats that were being watched over by an elderly bearded stallion that was smoking a pipe, Blueblood trotting after her, all the while still humming that silly love song that seemed to be stuck in her head.

“Nah nah nah, love is in the air.”

Adjusting the sight on her scope so she could see Fleur clearly from this distance, Luna eyed the tree that she was hiding under, making a note of the slight breeze that was rustling the leaves.

We will have to be mindful of that if we need to take a shot, she thought, quickly pinpointing her sister, who was happily chatting with a confused looking Anny toward the same row of boats that Fleur was near.

“No matter what our niece says, we will fire upon thee if we need to, knave,” the Princess of the Night muttered, eyes narrowing as she clutched her crossbow. “Pray to the gods that our plungers do not find their mark on thy backside…”

<><><>~~::<><>::~~<><><>

Celestia always enjoyed the gentle rocking that one experienced when out on the ocean. Whenever they were out on the sea, her sister, for whatever reason, would always end up hanging over the end of the boat heaving the contents out of her poor stomach, but she had always been at home out there on a ship on the sea.

One needed to respect a giant body of water when were sailing on it, be it a sea or lake or river, because the gentle dips and rises could turn into twenty foot tall waves, and Celestia knew from personal experience that having to deal with that wasn’t particularly fun. For many, the sea was a life giver, a mother, something that was larger than life and bigger than the sun, and Celestia couldn’t help but feel in awe whenever she would look out into a vast stretch of nothing but water.

That being said, the small little pony-made lake was no grand sea, or savage river; it wasn’t even one of the greater lakes that she had seen in her youth. It was a dinky little thing where one could maybe catch a fish or two and float about on a paddleboat or a canoe. But, if she closed her eyes and imagined really, really hard, she could picture herself back out on the sea. The little rowboat that Anny had rented was now a royal man-o-war, and she was the captain of this proud and noble ship.

“…Are you okay there, Celestia?” Anny cautiously asked, snapping the princess out of her little fantasy.

Cracking open an eye, Celestia started at her date before sheepishly grinning. “Oh, I’m fine, Anny,” she said with a little, nervous laugh. “I was just taking a moment to enjoy the ride.”

She waved a hoof around, gently rocking the boat to one side making Anny’s eyes widening in panic.

Why didn’t I grab a life vest? He thought, moving the boat through the water as fast as he could bare, nervously eyeing the water like it was about to jump into the boat and bite him. Wait, why didn’t that boat pony make us put life vest on? Can’t you get in trouble for that or something?!
To be fair though, Celestia really didn’t give them any time to get anything other than two paddles and the boat before all but dragging him toward the lake with said equipment while he stared at the lake in trepidation.

Even though he could swim, and he was sure that the lake wasn’t too deep, and the shore was like thirty feet away, Anny couldn’t help but feel a little nervous about being on a lake like this since this was his first time boating in any form.

He had wanted to take a class (if there was such a thing as a row boating class) or at least test ride with someone that knew what they were doing, but Cadance had insisted that it was easy as pie, and she had said that Celestia would love doing something like this. So he had, like the dummy he was, just shrugged and went along with it. But the second that he had hopped into the boat and pushed off the shore, he knew that he was in trouble.

The boat kept rocking, whether he was sitting down or standing up, and whenever the boat rocked it looked, and felt, like it was going to flip, so it was starting to freak a landlubber like him out just a teeny tiny little bit. Celestia, on the other hand, didn’t seem to mind the rocky boat at all, leaning this way and that, looking around the crystal waters with a smile while he tried not to have a heart attack.

“Anny, do you mind if I take the oars for a little bit?” the princess asked innocently, her big purple eyes sparkling. “I’d like to see how fast this old girl can go.”

Anny looked down at the paddles, then back up at the princess, then back at the oars. …These are called oars? I thought that people called them paddles…

Celestia just smiled when he looked at her again, her hooves reaching out expectantly. “Please, Anny? It’s been years since I’ve pulled an oar through water.”

Even though Anny didn’t particularly care for the term “pulled an oar” he still placed both oars in her hooves before tightly gripping the edges of the boat in a vain attempt to keep it from rocking.
“…Alright, have at it, Celestia,” he said with a weak smile, dread pooling in the pit of his stomach when he saw the excited spark in his date’s eyes.

Celestia hadn’t been kidding when she had said it had been a while since she had pulled an oar. When she and her sister had been far younger than they are now, to two of them happened to come upon a rogue group of diamond dog pirates that had navigated various rivers terrorizing kingdom after kingdom. After being captured by these deviants, the alicorns had to help move the vessel along with the help of oars for a number of weeks before they had finally escaped. That had been over fifteen hundred years ago , but her surprise and joy, and Anny’s horror, she had found that her skills had not diminished with time.

Again and again she pulled the boat along, muscles barely straining as she quickly picked up speed. The little row boat was nothing like the two hundred oar war ship had been; Celestia almost laughed at how easy it was to push their little boat to and fro compared to that monstrosity.

Let’s see how fast this dinghy goes, she thought with a grin.

Her little boat was more square than blade-shaped, so it wasn’t as aerodynamic as she would have liked, but it wasn’t long before she was paddling back and forth to either side of the lake just minutes apart. Ponies all around the lake watched in awe as their princess flew through across the lake at almost breakneck speeds, moving around the little boat like she had been doing it for a lifetime. It was a beautiful, wonderful, and amazing sight for many of them, though that couldn’t be said for the human who was holding for dear life onto his seat, eyes widened in horror.

“Hey! Could you Slow down Just a little bit, Celestia? CELESTIA?!”

Step Two (part 3): Don't Question the Feather
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Two (part 3): Don't Question the Feather

When he woke up this morning, Spike honestly didn’t expect to be standing on the bottom of a lake bed, holding a ton of scientific instruments but there he was, with Twilight, praying to Faust that the mare’s barrier spell didn’t collapse in on itself. And, after standing in the same place with millions of gallons of water hanging over his head for the last four hours, Spike almost wished that he was back at the Sparkle house with Velvet, baking cookies or being babied… almost.

Great bodies of water really never seemed to mix well with dragons. Water extinguished a dragon’s fire, it made scales less shiny after baths, it was too bland tasting for him, and Spike couldn’t help but recall that he wasn’t a particularly good swimmer at the best of times, which was why he had thought ahead and brought a pair of goggles, arm floaties, and a swimmers cap, just in case things went wrong.

Sure, they were probably only like twelve feet from the surface, and the lake really wasn’t that big, and there probably wasn’t millions of gallons of water hanging over his head, but it never hurt anyone just to be a little cautious, right?

“So, Twilight, could you run by me again why the heck the two of us are at the bottom of a lake?” he asked, nudging the little purple princess. “Couldn’t we have just hide in a tree like Cadance said?”

Twilight scoffed. “And miss out on an opportunity like this?” the alicorn asked, sweeping a hoof all around her. “You and I get to see an entire ecosystem up close while we make sure that the princess and Anny enjoy their boat ride!”

Spike couldn’t help but roll his eyes when Twilight shoved some notes in his face. “Twilight, there’s no ecosystem in this lake,” the young dragon said, trying to tear the notes out of her magical hold. “For Celestia’s sake, we’ve been walking around taking samples for the past two and a half hours and all we found were a couple of horseshoes, a few hay burger wrappers, and that log!”

Twilight’s face scrunched up. “Well… we could find something out here,” she muttered, kicking up a bit of wet dirt with a hoof. “Maybe there’s a few species of mosquito or some other insect that lives underwater.”

Spike looked at her in disbelief. “Bugs live at the bottom of a lake?!”

“Of course, Spike! There’s thousands of examples that I can—”

Spike narrowed his eyes. “You just wanted to try out that dumb spell that you read the other day,” he muttered, nervously eyeing the purple barrier around the two of them.

Twilight squeaked in indignation. “Spike the Dragon! I would never risk the princess’s date and compromise our part in making sure that it goes perfectly, just because I wanted to practice a spell.” With another huff, she put away all her notes into her saddle bag. “We’re here, Mr. Whiny Pants, because this is the scientifically best possible place for it to be!”

Seeing that her assistant was unconvinced, the alicorn decided to explain. “We have a bird’s eye view of the lake, and I can make sure that the water never gets too choppy for them. And”-she pointed at his harpoon-“if Cadance sends the signal, the two of us can take a shot at one of the boats.”

…This has to be somehow illegal, Spike thought with a shake of his head. And there’s no way that the princess isn’t going to see us just standing here like this… I mean, I can see the boat from here…

Somehow, some way, this was going to go bad. Spike could feel it in his bones. But, as an assistant, he was going to go down with the ship and its captain, no matter what. Even if the captain of the ship was a crazy purple alicorn and the ship was under a small lake.

“…Hey, Twilight?” With a grunt, Spike lifted all of the scopes , tubes, and books that Twilight had dumped into his arms. “Could you take a couple of these? My arms are starting to get tired.”

<~~~>===<~~~>

Fleur watched as Celestia and Anny’s boat flew through the water at an almost breakneck pace, the supermodel’s eyebrow raised as she and Blueblood carried the boat that they had rented from the elderly boat renter into the water.

“Come, Bleu, we have to get this boat into the water,” she said, throwing the little rowboat in with a splash and hoofing Blueblood an oar. “We have to save my love!”

Rolling his eyes, Blueblood took a moment to appreciate just how fast his aunt was moving across the lake. Sweet Faust, I never knew that she could do something like that, Blueblood thought, carefully climbing into the boat and putting on a lifejacket. And look at poor Anny… the colt looks like he’s going to throw up…

Honestly, if he and Fleur just stayed out of it, Celestia might make the poor human throw up, which would probably ruin the date itself (though he was praying that that didn’t happen), but no, the two of them were going to go out onto this little lake and do… something to “ruin” this date.

If I had tried a little harder, then Fleur wouldn’t even have noticed the two of them running toward the lake, he thought sadly.

Cadence had told him that, after the two of them went boating, the date would be over, so if he could somehow manage to keep Fleur from doing anything for the next half an hour or so then he would be more than happy. Maybe the two of them could just enjoy a nice afternoon of boating; they could enjoy the water for a few hours, then they could go out and get something to eat, maybe have a walk under the stars…

By my aunts beard am I a baby…
Giving his head a rueful little shake, Blueblood let Fleur into the boat before making himself comfortable on the hard, wooden seat before looking over at his friend and asking, “So what’s this plan that we’re going to be doing?”

Humming a little Prench tune to herself, Fleur grabbed the oars out of Blue’s hooves. “Oh, the two of us are just going to enjoy our ride, maybe take in some sun and ram a boat or two,” she smiled at Blueblood’s horrified expression. “I have forgotten, Bleu; are you a strong swimmer?”

<%%>~~~<%%>

“CELESTIA, CELESTIA, PRINCESS! COULD YOU JUST PLEASE SLOW DOWN A LITTLE?!”

Far too gone in her little fantasy of rowing away from a pirate ship, Celestia couldn’t help but chuckle at how silly her date was being; this was a tiny, shallow lake after all, and she was more than capable of making sure that he didn’t fall into the water. But then, after a moment or two, her happy, childlike giddiness was replaced with pure, unadulterated horror when she noticed the look of terror on Anny’s face.

Oh horseapples! Celestia cursed, taking her hooves off the oars and allowing the little boat to float through the lake on its own while she assessed the damage that her little stunt had caused.

Anny was holding onto the edges of the boat so hard that Celestia swore that she could see hand marks in the metal, and he seemed to be shaking ever so slightly, starting this way and that wide-eyed. His hair was a mess, as were his clothes, and he looked just a little too soggy for her taste.

Dread forming in the pit of her stomach, she got up from her wooden seat and wrapped a wing around her date, who leaned into her with a shaky sigh. She could hear Anny’s heart thumping in his chest as he slowly managed to calm his breathing and mostly stop his shaking, but the longer she waited for Anny to calm down , the worse she felt.

Here she was, ruining a perfect date with the man that she cared about, all because she wanted to row a boat back and forth really fast, and that was inexcusable, especially since she had almost scared the poor human to death.

… I was trying to have my fun and ended up almost giving poor Anny a heart attack. Her ears pinned themselves against the sides of her head as she fought back tears. You couldn’t keep yourself calm and collected for one minute, could you Celestia? Now look at what you—

Anny, almost as if sensing her inner turmoil, managed to smile up at her. “I’m alright, I’m alright,” he shakily assured, patting her neck. “I just wasn’t expecting you to go that fast right off the bat.” He chuckled. “In fact, I really didn’t think anybody could go that fast… it just caught me a little off guard.”

Celestia was about to apologize when she noticed a great big smile forming on Anny’s face. “It’s great to see that you’re actually having fun, Celestia,” he said, patting her side.

Blinking away her tears, the alicorn stared down at him in disbelief as he leaned over and grabbed the oars and dipped them back into the water. Her wing tightened around him protectively, she swallowed and decided that not only was an apology in order but it was absolutely necessary.

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Anny,” she nuzzled the top of his head. “I might have wanted to have a little fun, but that is not an excuse to terrify somepony I’m trying to have an evening with… and I also shouldn’t have been so pushy about getting you into a boat, I should have—“

“Hey, I wanted you to have a little fun!” Anny interrupted, poking Celestia’s side with a finger. “And just because you got a little pushy… and you didn’t let us get life jackets or anything like that… and you just started—“ Anny clamped his mouth shut when he heard the princess sniffle.

“B-but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a little fun!” He stuttered, desperately backpedaling while he waved his arms around. Not giving Celestia a chance to get a word in edgewise, he untangled himself from her wing and grabbed both of the oars, handing her one. “Now, how about we forget that whole mess and just enjoy rowing around this lake for a little bit before we go and get some ice cream or something.

Sniffling again, Celestia couldn’t help but smile, leaning against Anny’s side as she took the oar in her hooves. “Did Cadence tell you that I enjoyed boats, Anny?” she asked.

Anny, slightly thrown off because of the out of the blue question, paused before hesitantly nodding. “Yeah… Well, I mean, Cadence told me she asked your sister that you had some fun on some weird Viking forced-rowing thing, so I thought that you’d get a kick out of row boating on—Thmph!”

Celesta rushed forward, wrapping Anny into a hug and pushing his face into her chest. “Thank you for this, Anny,” she murmured, closing her eyes.

“Frump whaht?” Anny asked in confusion, voice muffled.

Celestia chuckled, her wings spreading and wrapping around her friend. “For going out of yourway to find things that I’d enjoy, for taking me out to this little adorable, wonderful little date, for being understanding when I… got out of hoof just a few moments ago.”

At that moment, Celestia couldn’t feel the rocking of the boat, nor could she feel the wind flowing through her mane, nor the heat of the sun on her fur, all there was was the human that she had wrapped in the tightest hug that she could managed, the human who was hugging her back, and the—

CONK!

<###>~~~{}{}{}~~~<###>

“—And look at that fungus, Spike! It appears to be giving off some form of light… and look; it appears to just be your run of the mill common moss… Huh, I wonder if it’s because of some natural mutation or if it’s a magical one, well centuries of—“

Spike sighed, yawning into a hand as Twilight went on and on and on about… something. How much longer is this date going to last? He thought, looking up at the boat that Twilight had told him Anny and the princess were in. We must have been in here for at least an hour or two and…

“—Maybe we should take a few samples of this plant so we can run a few basic test… Actually, this fungus might be important to this lakes ecosystem—“

Spike, who was still looking up, reached over and poked Twilight. “Er, Twi?”

“—But if I just take a teeny tiny little bit then it shouldn’t be that much of a problem—”

“Twilight? I think something’s going on up—“

“—Then I could set up some kind of incubator to grow it so I can run all the test that I—“

CONK!

<///>()==()<///>

For a moment, Luna couldn’t help but see red, snarling as she reached for her crossbow’s trigger. One second she had been watching her sister rowing her boat like somepony was chasing her, the next second she had watched the touching little hug-fest between her sister and Anny, and in those moments she had been lax with her vigilance.

She had been oohing and awing at the heart warming scene, and just because, for one second, she had wiggled to get the feeling back into her tush, Fleur had gone in and struck, possible ruining the date and even hurting Anny, and that was something she did not approve of or recommend.

Once again Shining Armor had been lax in his duties, she thought, trying to calm herself and steady her breathing while she lined up her sights. We will have to make sure that he is properly punished for his lapse… but first, we will avenge our sister.

Taking a deep breath, Luna leaned forward, her hoof lightly tapping the trigger as she quietly counted her heartbeats. “Fly plunger, fly,” she whispered. “Aim true and strike our target with great vengeance.”

Her heartbeat slowed, and slowed, until one beat of the heart lasted a second long, and after listening to each heartbeat Luna waited, her heart was in mid-beat before firing.

<>:::<>:::^^^:::<>:::<>

“Please, sir, you need to give me one of these boats!” Shining pleaded, desperately starting at the old boating stallion. “We could have a serious situation on our hooves!”

The old boating stallion just stared at the prince, thoughtfully chewing on a bit of wheat. “No can do, young fella,” he rasped with a shake of his head. “I haven’t given a pony a free ride in thirty years of being in this business and I don’t plan to start now.”

“You don’t understand, I need to get out there and make sure that the princess’s date goes well or my wife’s going to kill me!”

The boat stallion extended a hoof. “Then that’ll be five bits for an hour, sir.”

“But I don’t have any money on me right now, sir. If you could just give me a boat right now then later I could go and get—“

“Like I said, colt, that’ll be five bits for an hour.”

Stamping his hoof in frustration, Shining took a threatening step toward the old earth pony, who continued to just stare back at him with a bored expression. “I didn’t want to do this, but you give me no choice! As prince of the Crystal Empire, I order you—“

“I didn’t vote for ya,” the boat master interrupted.

“…W-What?”

Drawing himself up to his full height, the boating stallion took a step forward, forcing a now nervous Shining to take a step back. “You heard me you frilly blue-blooded whipper-snapper! You aren’t gonna come down here to my place of business making demands! I’ve had kings and queens and emperors come down here and rent boats, I’ve had super-stars come down here for a bit of boatin’, and there’s princess Celestia out there right now enjoying herself on my boats; and guess what, you wet behind the ears green horn ninny sassafras youngin’, each one of them paid to rent one of my boats.”

Giving a now thoroughly chewed out Shining a few pokes to the chest, the old stallion turned around and walked back to his old, weather stool and sat down with a grunt. “So if you want a boat, then you’re going to have to rent it, young stallion, not harass some old geezer into getting what you want.”

“I didn’t—I only wanted the boat because—“ Stopping himself, Shining sighed. “I’m sorry, sir,” he said, his head hung low. “I didn’t mean to offend you or—“

CONK!

/{**}++{**}\

After getting onto their boat and rowing around aimlessly for a few minutes, Blueblood once again tried to find out what his friend was planning for his aunt and Anny. You may have fumbled around in distracting her, but you might have another chance Blueblood, he thought, taking his oar out from the water and placing it into the boat.

Fleur was starting at Celestia with an unblinking stare and an angry expression that was making Blueblood a little nervous. If she was thinking what he thought she was thinking, he really needed to find a way to calm her down and maybe get her away from his aunt. One: because he didn’t want to see anypony hurt at the end of this day, and two: because he really didn’t want to take a unwanted swim in this water. Who knows how dirty it was?.

“Hey, Fleur, you know you never did tell me what this plan of yours was… well, not in full at least” he smiled weakly. “Would you mind filling me in on your master plan?”

Fleur looked away from the boat for moment to consider him. “As I said, Bleu, we are going to ruin this date; even if it kills us,” she said before turning back toward Anny and Celestia’s boat.

Blueblood cringed. “Fleur,” he said quietly. “Maybe the two of us need to go back to the castle and come back to this with clear heads, you may not be thinking—“

Fleur snarled, baring her teeth. “That vieille sorcière deserves far worse than anything the two of us could to on this boat!” she snapped, almost snapping her oar with her magic. “She is a no good dirty, rotten menteuse!”

“But Fleur—“

“She didn’t even give me a chance to woo Anny; she just stole him and—“

“FLEUR, look at yourself!”

The supermodel stopped and regarded her friend, who was staring at her with a disappointed, and withering, gaze, and whose was face red with anger, with a startled gasp. “Bleu—“

“The two of us are dress up like morons, yelling at each other in the middle of a lake, right next to my aunt and Anny! Think, Just think about how this looks!” Blueblood snapped, his ears pinned against the sides of his head. “If not for my sake than at least for yours.”

“I know that you’re upset with how things between you and Anny went about, and Celestia might be in the wrong here, but you’re overreaching and, as your friend, I can’t let you keep doing this to yourself!” Standing up, Blueblood walked over and gently tapped Fleur’s chest, practically in tears. “This isn’t how you act, Fleur,” he pointed out her dirty tangled up disguise. “This isn’t the mare that I grew up with…”

Fleur just seemed to freeze there for a moment, confusion, hurt, and regret on her face. How dare Blueblood tell her that she was overacting! So what if she made her butler attack somepony that had been practically her mother for as long as she could remember! So what if she’s been hiding like a criminal in her friend’s room while she binged ate and plotted against Celestia! So what if she might have been taking what could have been a little crush too far! She was Fleur de Lis! Nopony had the right to go and—

“Please, Fleur… Please stop this.” Sniffling, Blueblood looked away from her. “Let my aunt have this bit of happiness and let go so you can find somepony that actually cares for you.” Fleur’s heart wrenched when she saw tears starting to flow down Blueblood’s face.

Thought she didn’t know what had caused this outburst, Fleur saw that Blueblood had been stewing on this for longer than she cared to think about. Here she was, screaming and crying like some kind of mad pony while she dragged Blueblood, a stallion that had been with her through thick and thin all of her life, not considering his feelings while she continued to use him for her own selfish needs. And, because of her, she had made him cry.

It didn’t matter how wronged you feel or how crazy you are, that would stop anypony in their tracks and make them rethink their choices in life.

Fleur was about to go over and apologize, and tell him that she may have been acting like a spoiled filly and say that the two of them could stop all of this nonsense. She was even going to tell him that she would be willing to go to Celestia and apologize and let bygones be bygones, just so she could get him to smile again and not look so beaten down or sad, but then, once again, fate struck.

Out of the corner of her eye, Fleur watched as Celestia drew Anny into a hug, the two of them smiling happily in a way that just made her blood boil. There was the happiness that she wanted to feel with Anny; the happiness that she had been trying to find her whole life and it had been taken by Celestia, the one that showed Fleur the stallion of her dreams before taking him from under her nose!

“Oh maintenant tu vas l'obtenir!” She snarled, horn sparking to life as she saw red.

All that Blueblood had time to do was yelp as the boat tore through the water and straight toward Anny and Celestia’s boat.

“FLEUR STOP IT! SOMEPONIES GOING TO GET HURT!”

“Mort à voleuse d’ami!”

The boat was going so fast, Blueblood didn’t have time to stop it with his magic before their boat crashed into the hugging couples boat with a loud bang, making more of a clank than a boom sound, throwing Anny and Celestia into the water with surprised cries.

By some miracle, Fleur and Blueblood managed to keep their seats, the prince looking over his side of the boat in horror as Fleur grinned, crossing her hooves in a smug fashion.

“HERE, THAT WILL TEACH—THMP!”

The only warning Blueblood got that somepony was flying toward his head was a low whistling, but, be it instincts or just plain luck, he managed to dodge Luna’s plunger in time as it whizzed over his head and attached itself right onto Fleur’s unsuspecting face.

The mare only managed a surprised, and pained, squeak before her head flew backwards, knocking her against the side of the hull of the boat with an almost violent amount of force, almost sending her and Blueblood into the lake with Anny and Celestia.

At that same moment, Twilight, who had managed to catch the tail end of the whole fiasco, seeing that her mentor and her friend being knocked into the water, and upset at herself for not watching out for them enough, did the only rational thing that came to her mind at that moment: simply picking their boat up and throwing it as hard as her magic could let her.

“HORSSSSSEEEEAAAAAPPPPPPLLLLEEES!” Blueblood shrieked, grabbing onto an unconscious Fleur as their boat was sent upwards out of the lake and toward the tree line.

<@@@>~~~<@@@>

Shining Armor and the boat stallion watched in horror as the boat went flying over them and crashed into a maple tree.

CRASH!!!

“MY LEG!”

Not able to help himself, the prince looked back over at the boat stallion.

“You know, that wouldn’t have happened if you’d just have let me borrow a boat for an hour,” he said.

~~~~~

Whattheheckwasthat?! Anny thought, floundering in the water. WhyamIinthelake?!?!?!

He tried to swim to the surface, but he was too disoriented from the crash to do anything more than wave his arms around and lose his shoes. In fact, he might have been in a bit of trouble, were it not for the hooves that wrapped themselves around his waist and pulled him up to the surface.

Celestia, eyes wide with panic, swam as quickly toward the shore as her hooves could carry her, the alicorn dragging Anny with her. GOTTASAVEANNYGOTTASAVEANNY! she thought, dragging the soaked human onto the shore and standing over him.

“ANNY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!” she shouted, nudging the dazed human’s cheek with her muzzle. He’s not alright, Celestia thought in terror. He’s NOT ALRIGHT! I NEED TO HELP HIM! Now panting, Celestia slammed a pair of hooves onto the human’s chest, forcing a mouthful of lake water to fly out of his mouth. She was about to lean down and give him CPR when a pair of hands grabbed her neck.

“I’m alright, I’m alright!” Anny groaned, holding his stomach while he coughed and wheezed.

“NO YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY NOT! LET ME JUST--”

Celestia couldn’t help but yelp when she felt a hand clamp down on her muzzle, the teary-eyed alicorn staring down at Anny with a mixture of relief and concern.

“Just… give me a minute...please.”

Celestia nodded, gently grabbing Anny and pulling him against her chest, laying a wing protectively over his body. Anny, though still in a bit of pain, ran a hand through her feathers, trying to calm the princess while the two just sat there trying to catch their breath.

“Princess?”

“Yes, Anny?”

“Thanks for not letting me drown.”

Though she was shaking, Celestia couldn’t help but laugh. “I couldn’t very well let an upstanding colt like you drown in lake! And you’re quite welcome.” she said, her voice quivering slightly as her grip on the human tightened.

“Do you see anything on the lake that might have hit us?” Anny asked( finally getting to his feet, with the help of Celestia of course) and looking out at the lake.

The two looked out onto the lake to see nothing; not a boat or pony in sight as far as they could tell. Frowning, Celestia closed her eyes and channeled magic through her horn. For a moment, the entire lake lit up with the princess’s magic before she opened her eyes with a disappointed sigh.

“Well, it appears that noponies hiding via magic, so it must have been a specter of some sort.”

Anny cracked a smile, taking off his shirt and wringing it out. “Or it could have been a lake monster,” he pointed out.

Celestia nodded, her brow furrowed in deep thought before she shrugged. “Well, I guess that we’ll never know; if your eyes can’t see it and my magic can’t sense it, it might truly stay a mystery for all time.”

Taking a step forward, the princess nuzzled Anny’s side. “Are you sure you’re alright?” she asked. “Because I’d be more than happy to take you to the royal physician; she’ll be able to take a good look at you and-- ”

Anny patted Celestia on the muzzle. “Oh, I’m fine, Celestia. I just have a couple of bumps and bruises;” I promise,” he said. “Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t fix.”

Celestia eyed him warily before nodding. “If you say so,” she said, nudging him with a wing. “Now come along, the two of us should be getting back home. We don’t want anymore “ghosts” trying to attack us while our backs are turned do we?”

The two turned toward the lake and made their way back toward the trees. “Well… at least we’ll have something to remember about this date,” Anny said, kicking off his water bogged shoes and socks.

Celestia nudged him with a wing, a happy smile on her face. “One memory along with a dozen other happy ones, my little human,” she answered. “One memory among a dozen other happy ones.”

“…Celestia?”

“Yes, my little human?”

“Was I the only one that saw Spike and Twilight in the water or was I just seeing things?

One quick drying spell and a walk through Canterlot later…

Though it had been a great day, all good things had to come to an end, and, after making their way through Canterlot, laughing and joking to each other about why a ghost or lake monster would even want to try to sabotage their date, the two found themselves at Canterlot castle’s entrance, the two at a loss for what to do now.

This was the first date, so they couldn’t try for a kiss yet, so did they just need to shake hands/hooves, bid each other a good day and go home? Neither thought so, which was why the two just stood there, avoiding each other’s gaze, trying to figure out what to say.

Oh horseapples, what am I supposed to do now? Should I invite him into the castle?!

Why didn’t Cadance tell me what to do for the end of the date?! Come on, think, THINK, what can you do?!

Both of the chewed their lips, before a rush of inspiration hit the two of them like a wrecking ball.

Well, I could give Anny a hug…

A hug should work; I love hugs, I’m sure that the princess loves hugs, so it’ll go over perfectly!

“Well, I had a nice—“ the two said at the same time before stopping in their tracks and waiting for the other to speak.

“I hope we can do something li—“ this time, the two of them couldn’t help but blush, chuckling to themselves in embarrassment.

Taking a step forward, Celestia wrapped Anny in a hug. “I had a wonderful time today, Anny,” she said. “You helped this old mare feel a hundred years younger.”

Grinning, Anny hugged the princess back. “You don’t look over sixty, Celestia,” he teased, ready to break the hug as soon as she did. “And I had a great time too… even with the whole almost drowning thing.”

Celestia’s grip tightened around him. “Anny?”

“Yes, Celestia.”

“I wouldn’t mind if the two of us happened to go on another date in the near future if you were so willing…”

It felt like a weight had been lifted off Anny’s shoulder as soon as he heard Celestia say that, a happy smile coming to his face as he nodded. “You know what, Celestia? I’d be more than happy to go on another date with you.”

Celestia’s wings gave a happy little flap before returning to their sides. “Excellent! But this time I think I’ll be the one orchestrating the date; you had your fun planning this, and I think I’d like to try my hoof at it.”

“That’s fine with me, Princess.”

The two stayed like that, holding each other and happy with how the date gone, before they realized that they might have been hugging for a bit too long on account of all the ponies that were beginning to stare.

Breaking the hug and taking a few steps backward, Celestia awkwardly coughed into her hoof before smiling up at Anny. “So… I will see you tomorrow then, Antaeus?”

Anny, red-faced, coughed into his hand as well, refusing to look at the princess. “Y-Yep, I’ll see you in the gym bright and early, Celestia,” he promised, cocking his head in confusion as the princess unfurled her wing, plucked out one of the smaller feathers out and used a quick spell to place it behind his ear. “Um… Pri—“

Celestia laughed nervously, her face so red that her blush had made its way down to her chest, flapping a wing in Anny’s face to cut him off. “Oh don’t worry about that, my little human,” she said, looking everywhere but him. “I just thought that you’d like a memoir for a date well done!”

Anny touched in feather, thoroughly confused. “But a fea—“

Starting to sweat, Celestia looked down at her wrist. “Oh my, look at the time! I really need to get back to my room to do that… thing… WellI’llseeyoutomorrowAnny!”

Before Anny could so much as open his mouth, Celestia was off, going so fast that there was a streak behind her.

Standing there, Anny reached up and plucked the feather from behind his ear and closely examined it for a second, twirling it in his fingers, before putting it back, spinning around, and making his way back toward the Sparkle house.

But not before happily jumping into the air, throwing a fist up into the sky and letting out a loud “Yes, YES, YES!”

Step Three... [REDACTED]
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Three... [REDACTED]

The crystal caverns underneath Canterlot were one of the greatest mysteries that the city had to offer. Largely unknown by most of the populace, mostly unexplored, and absolutely vast, the caves were the perfect place to hide if one needed to lay low for a while, be that person criminal, traitor, or supermodel.

After the absolute disaster that had been Fleur’s attempt to ruin Anny and Celestia’s date, and the consequences that had happened shortly afterward (not counting that she had been tossed out of the lake and into a tree) had left the mare in pain (both physical and emotional), confused, and in despair.

Because of her actions she had put Celestia and Anny in danger, had almost put herself and Blueblood in the hospital, and had probably damaged her relationship with one of her closest and oldest friends in such a way that she expected the prince probably wanted nothing to do with her for a good long while.

In fact, after she had had fallen out of the boat and on to the hard, hard ground, and after Fleur had realized what she had just done, she had almost welcomed the chance to be caught so she could just lay down and have a good cry and think about what the hay she was doing with her life.

Was she now just a common crazy pony, willing to do anything and hurt anypony to get what she wanted, no matter how she felt afterward? She already knew that ramming Anny and Celestia’s boat, though satisfying, was not something that normal, well-adjusted ponies did to their fellow equine, so why did she do it? Why was she acting like this?! WHY?!

She had felt so bad that she was going to go apologize to Anny, Celestia, and anypony else she could think of for her behavior when she was caught, but as luck would have it her butler had other ideas.

“Please watch your step, my Lady, the path can get a bit slippery in places.”

How the hay Jeeves knew his way through the caverns, along with how he had just suddenly appeared before her while she had been desperately trying to cry at the bottom of some tree, was a mystery to the model, but she had just chalked it up to her butler being her butler.

Jeeves had been with her for almost as long as she could remember; the stallion was as sharp as a whip and dedicated to his job, even if it meant that he had to love the sun and moon to protect her.

Jeeves needed to take a week off work to go master some long-forgotten martial art because he wanted to be her butler and her bodyguard? She had thought the idea silly until very recently, so the off time she had given him was worth it. It was a little odd, and a little too… much but she appreciated the gesture and almost expected it from him. But Jeeves somehow knowing paths,open caves, and safe houses in a place most ponies still didn’t know existed? That seemed a bit more than Jeeve’s job description.

When the heck did he get the time to even come down here? Why had he been around the lake when Fleur had insisted that he stay at the manor? Why in the name of all that was holy did she let him bring her to a place like this?!

These questions were starting to bother Fleur so much that she was starting to forget her unhappiness, numbness, and despair with the whole first date affair. She wanted answers, for some if not all her questions, and the one that would probably be able to answer most of them was walking right in front of her, wearing a stylish vest with a handkerchief folded neatly in one of his pockets.

“Jeeves, might I ask you a question? “ she quietly asked in her native tongue, squeezing through a section of the rocks to keep up with him.

Jeeves slowed his pace and turned around to look at her. “Did you need something my lady?” He asked politely in Prench. “Some water or something to nibble on perhaps?”

“Would you mind sharing with me why you seem to know this place like that back or your hoof?” she asked curiously, trotting up to him. Her butler, usually a paragon of calm and collectiveness, almost seemed to get just a little bit twitchy the closer she got. “I don’t see a stallion like you cave-diving whenever I insist you have a day off…”

“After that nasty business with the changeling invasion, I decided to set something up for you, my lady, incase you ever needed somewhere safe to go,” the butler replied with an almost embarrassed tone, walking over to a seemingly normal pile of rocks. “I apologize for not bringing it up sooner, but it took quite a bit longer to get it up and running that I had anticipated.”

Fleur was about to ask what he meant when Jeeves, with a slight grunt, flipped what sounded like a giant switch, flooding the cavern with light; so much light in fact that Fleur was forced to shield her face with a hoof.

“Please, Jeeves, a little more warning next time you do… whatever you just did,” Fleur said, almost taking a step back when she felt the once frigid room jump twenty degrees in twenty seconds.

“Of course, my lady, I’m terribly sorry.”

You know… I do not recall paying Jeeves enough to afford something like that, Fleur thought while she waited for her eyes to get used to the light. …I really should ask Jeeves what his occupation was before I acquired his services…

Blinking a few more times to clear her vision, Fleur looked in awe.

Lights, each glowing as bright as any star, dotted the massive cave, illumining it so well that if she bothered, Fleur could have counted the stalactites hanging from the ceiling. While this, though obviously difficult to pull off in the best of circumstances, could be done, it seemed that Jeeves had gone all out on trying to blow his employer’s mind with just how far he was willing to go in building a “safe house”.

Built into the cave walls, or hung by thick steel cables, were platforms throughout the massive cavern. Thick, black, and sturdy-look, eight of these platforms were spaced throughout the cave, each one of them bigger than a house and multi-layered with smaller platforms, and from those Fleur could see supplies; from giant barrels of water to piles of blankets and foodstuffs.

Before her may as well have been an underground city, and, to be frank, Fleur was having a little trouble understanding what the hay was going on, what the heck she was seeing, and how the heck did something like this get built by one elderly stallion living on a butlers wages?!

It shouldn’t have been possible for something like this to be built in a place like this, not for any one at any time for any means, yet here it was. A building like this was on par with the triangles of Keeiza, which had each taken decades to build and had requires thousands of camel workers working around the clock to complete. But all of this; all of this had been done by her butler. Who was an elderly stallion with some minor back problems. A stallion who spent almost every waking moment taking care of her; meaning that there was no way that he’d be able to do something like this!

“…Jeeves?”

“Yes my lady?”

Fleur frowned, struggling to find the right words to say.

“Could you please explain to me what… all of this is?”

Jeeves looked around the cave with an appreciative eye. “Well, my lady, before the invasion the Changeling queen wanted to have somewhere where her hive could rest, relax, and feed on the love that came from the city below.”

The sound of buzzing was the only warning that Fleur received before she found herself on her back, being held down by three changeling’s, each whom were grinning maniacally as they stared down at the now terrified mare with sneers.

“Though the Canterlot guard had spent weeks trying to search every nook and cranny of the caverns, these caves are simply too big and too maze-like for most to successively navigate through, much less guard. So, even though the princess had put in place some defenses, and torn down a few caves to keep anypony from coming up through the caves to attack the city, there was no way for them to catch anypony from coming back into these lovely caves whenever they wanted.”

“J-Jeeves, run!” Fleur screamed, trying to wrench the horrible creatures off her. The Changelings hissed as her horn glowed to life, picking one of them into the air and slamming it into the other two, knocking all three into the wall.

Getting to her hooves with a growl, Fleur was about ready to race out of the caves, out of this sudden madness, when she felt a warm hoof gently touch her shoulder.

“Now calm down, my lady,” Jeeves said, tenderly grabbing Fleur’s cheek and forcing her to look at him. “There’s no need to get huffy; just calm down and relax for me would you?”

Jeeves… was right; there was no reason that she needed to struggle. Everything was fine… she could trust Jeeves. He would make sure that she would be okay…

“Those were not Changelings, my lady; those were… assistants. Assistants that are going to do everything in their power to help you win back that Anny of yours. Do you understand?”

Fleur couldn’t help but nod. Of course she was happy that she was going to get help winning back her love from the clutches of that evil alicorn that had taken him! It was very nice of Jeeves to find ponies that would be willing to help her…

Jeeves smiled, leaning in and giving her cheek a nuzzle, which, though a very odd thing for him to do, still felt nice.

“Very good my lady. Now some of these assistants are going to lead you back to the manor and keep you company. Do you understand?”

Fleur nodded once again. “Of course, Jeeves,” she said, her voice weak and her tone sleepy. “I would like to get some rest anyway... I have had a difficult day.”

Jeeves nodded sympatrically. “Of course, my lady. You deserve all of the rest that you can get.” The “stallion” watched as Fleur, whose eyes were tinged with a green hue, was led out by a small group of Changelings. “And don’t worry about the human and the princess, lady Fleur, I will make sure that something is set up to deal with them.”

“Will it help me win my love, Jeeves?” Fleur called as she was led out of the room.

The butler grinned. "Of course my lady."

With an eruption of green flame, “Jeeves” changed, morphing into a towering Changeling, with cruel green eyes and a fang-filled and evil smile. This was not an average Changeling, this one was stronger than her fellows; stronger , smarter, and one that had a thirst for vengeance. One might even say that she was a queen among the commoners.

Suddenly, a single Changeling drone flew down from one of the platforms and landed before, quickly bowing his head in respect.

“The hive has finished settling in as per your orders, my Queen,” he said.

The changeling queen regarded him with a pleased smile. “Excellent! Have the scouts reported anything of worth during my absence?”

The drone nodded, his gaze still glued to the floor. “There have been more and more guardspony patrols venturing closer and closer to this section of caves, my Queen. If we are not careful we might be discovered.”

The queen frowned, turning around and walking down the path. “Return to your duties, drone. I have a few… errands to run before I go to play with that unicorn again. And do not worry about the guard; my plans will be ready before they even come close to finding our new home.”

After her first attempt at capturing this city had failed, the ponies of Canterlot, and all of Equestria as a whole, had become far harder to infiltrate. Guards routinely scanned for changelings, more security measures had been put in every major and minor city, and now many more ponies seemed ready and willing to tell the guard if they thought one of their neighbors was acting a little strange.

It was getting harder and harder for a changeling queen to keep her brood fed and happy in this land of colorful little horses, but after the… incident, the queen couldn’t care less if her hive starved or were caught or even banished. She was down in these caves, once again, for the sole purpose of revenge. She was going to crush Celestia, look her in the eye while she took everything away from her, and Fleur was going to help her with that.

At first the queen was just going to suck up whatever love came from the mare, and live in the best of Canterlot luxury, all the while keeping an eye on the princesses coming and goings, but that had all changed when this “Anny” had come into the picture. With him there was an opportunity to win back what she had lost and take everything from those that had snatched victory out of her hooves.

All it had taken was a little bit of magic, a few choice words, and nudging with and that in the right direction, but the supermodel had performed just as the queen had wanted. Fleur had the money, the loving fans, and the connections to keep Celesta and those worthless princesses busy while she and her Changelings grew stronger and re armed themselves. Soon, Canterlot would be hers; her Changelings would have all of the love that they needed and she’d be queen of all. As she was always meant to.

All she needed to do was break that wretched Princess of the Sun’s heart.

Cadence, Twilight, and Luna she could deal with, but even with all of the love she had been gorging on she was nowhere near as powerful as she had been at the wedding, and Celestia, though a fool, was by far one of the most powerful creatures on this planet.

One could not fight a mare that moved planets with a thought head on if one did not have the power to do so; that was suicide. No, she needed to break her spirit, destroy her will to fight even before the fight began.

The Queen could feel the love coming off the human and the alicorn, and would be able to even if she wasn’t an emotion-eating parasite. If she could absorb any of that love, or direct all of the love that human creature was pumping out to Fleur, or at the very least use Fleur to clog up their relationship as much as possible…

Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, Lady of Lies, and the first of her name, couldn’t help but smile as she disappeared in a flash of green fire, once again changing into Fleur’s “Faithful” butler.

“Now, how to steal that human away from her, I wonder?” she mused aloud, dodging and weaving around crystals, smiling whenever she saw her reflection.

“He doesn’t seem all that interested in Fleur, no matter what she or I do… and I won’t be able to use any of my magic on him. Celestia won’t believe for a second if he just loses interest in her…”

She hummed again, a pip in her step as she trotted down the jagged and uneven pathway. This plan of hers was constantly changing and twisting and becoming more and more dangerous; one wrong step and she’d be in a cell by the afternoon, or worse.

It was thrilling, scary even, and she couldn’t help but admit that she was looking forward to what was going to happen.

She was a Changeling: deceit and lies were her bread and butter. She almost needed them as much as breathing. And, though plans like this one were dangerous and had a high cost of failure, the results were the most… fulfilling when it succeeded…

With a chuckle, Chrysalis adjusted her vest and made sure her mane and mustache were on order, she quickly made her way back to the surface.

“This time it’s going to be perfect~” she sang under her breath, licking her lips as ponies, talking and laughing and most importantly, loving, walked by. “And this the queen will get her dues~”

Author's Note

Sorry about short Ch. Been busy lately but wanted to get something out... and this bit IS important

Step Three: Another Date Awaits! Make Sure You Don't Mess This One Up
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Three: Another Date Awaits! Make Sure You Don't Mess This One Up

Step Three: Another Date Awaits! Make Sure You Don't Mess This One Up

Everypony, no matter their gender, race, or position, has had a bad day, and Blueblood was not an exception to this rule. He might have been of royal blood, and he might live in a castle with servants and all of the bits that he could ever need, but he had his good and bad days just like any other pony, and some of those bad days were worse than others. Way worse.

After he and Fleur had taken their unexpected flight through the air in their little row boat, Blueblood had somehow managed to break his leg in three places as he and Fleur crashed bow-first into a maple tree. With a broken leg and in a great deal of pain, the prince had had to drag himself away from the tree and toward Shining Armor, who had been helpful enough to carry him all the way to the castle, where a cast for his leg, an irate Princess Luna, a worried Cadance and Celestia, and a concerned Anny had been waiting for him.

Unable to get out of bed or do anything productive at all— like find Fleur because she had somehow managed to disappear after they had crashed into that tree— he could do only one thing to help stave off the crippling boredom in between the parts of the day when his friends and family members visited him: think. But, after everything that he had happened, that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

Why couldn’t he have talked down Fleur sooner? Where and the heck had the supermodel gone? Was she alright? Was she someplace safe? Why in the name of all that was holy did he agree to get in that stupid boat?! And who and the hay had thrown them into the air like that?! When were those nurses going to come back into his room and give him more of that horrible healing potion?

These questions and more ravaged the poor prince’s mind and even body. He had trouble sleeping, he barely talked to anypony when they visited him and if he did he was short-tempered and harsh, and everyday he was eating less and less as he worried more and more while wallowing in his own self-pity and guilt. In his mind he believed he could have done something, anything, to stop what had happened from happening. He should have never let Cadance talk him into going along with Fleur. He should have told Anny and Celestia that Fleur was going to try to ruin their date. And he shouldn’t have gotten into that stupid boat!

And if that wasn’t enough he had no idea where Fleur was or if she was even okay. If his broken leg was any indication, there was a good chance that Fleur didn’t walk away from that crash unscathed, and even if she did where was she going to go? Princess Luna still had a warrant out for Fleur’s arrest so she couldn’t openly walk about the city without the guards swarming her, she couldn’t go back to her mansion since the place was being watched and had been boarded up tight, and there was no way in Tartarus that any of the other nobles were going to take her in with a bounty on her head.

And was Fleur going to lay low and wait for cooler heads to prevail? Of course not! In her eyes she had been wronged by Celestia, and even if everything was stacked against her there was no way in heck that the supermodel was going to back down. She was going to try again and again and again to win Anny over and rub it in his aunt’s face, and she probably wasn’t going to stop until somepony got hurt!

...Well, somepony other than him...

He would have gone completely bonkers in his bed if it wasn’t for the visits that be received every day. Some days it’d be Luna, other days it might be Shining or Cadence, and maybe once or twice a random noble might come in to see how he was doing, but no one else visited him as much as Celestia and Anny did. At least once or twice a day the two would be knocking on his door to see him. And, even though he appreciated their visits (they always made the day seem to go by quicker) it left him in a bit of a bind when they wanted to know exactly how he had up and broken his leg out of the blue like he did.

Even on a good day Blueblood was not the best of liars, especially when he had to lie to his aunt, a thousand year old being that had seen and heard it all and had the almost supernatural ability to tell if a pony was lying to her or not. But, somehow, someway, the prince had managed to make up a semi-believable story about how he slipped on an ice cube and fell down the stairs!

...Well, actually, both Celestia and Anny thought that his lie had been a bunch of horseapples the second he told it, but he had insisted that that was what had happened and Cadence had stepped in and vouched for him, so the two had no other choice but to believe him. So at least that was something!

With his story now believed (though he could tell that his aunt still took it with a huge grain of salt), Blueblood had reflected, as the days drew on and Anny and Celestia continued to see how he was doing, on how hopeless Fleur’s “quest” was. The human and alicorn were now practically glued to each other now after their first date had been a success. They laughed and joked and smiled far more than two average people should, they were always sitting or standing next to each other whenever they visited him, and Blueblood could have sworn that he had seen the two of them holding hands/hoofs as they were leaving his room one afternoon.

The air around them was charged with excitement and happiness, and even though their date had gone just a teeny bit wrong in the end the two of them, along with Cadence, Luna, Shining, and even Blueblood himself, considered it a smashing success. And, from what Blue could see, this was just the first of many happy and successful dates no matter what Fleur did to try to stop it.

And, seeing all of the lovey-dovey-ness happening between his aunt and Anny, Blueblood couldn’t help but feel a teeny bit... jealous.

Though he felt just a bit selfish, he wanted to feel what they were feeling right now. He wanted joy to sweep through him as he looked up and smiled at his special somepony, who was smiling back at him. He wanted to feel the butterflies flapping in his stomach whenever he and his special somepony shared a look or held hooves or just sat around talking the day away. He wanted to look that somepony in the eyes and feel happiness and comfort whenever he held them close...

Love, that’s what it was. That was what he wanted and that was what was happening before him. He might have been seeing it from a different perspective and he might be full of horseapples because it was far too early to call it that… but he had never seen his aunt look at anyone, anypony, or anything (even cake) like she looked at Anny. And if it was love, Blueblood knew that Fleur would not come out of her “crusade” the same mare. She was already angry and bitter about what had happened, but what would happen after she realized that she was doomed to a human-less future?

What if—

“Hey Blue, you decent in there?”

Blueblood almost jumped out of his bed in fright as Anny poked his head through his bedroom door and stared at him with his usual bright, cheery smile. Without meaning to the prince hoisted his bed sheets a little higher on his chest, an angry frown on his face as he looked at the human.

“Don’t you ever knock Anny?” Blueblood demanded. “One of these times you poke your head through my door I might not be decent!”

“Well you are… so can I come in?”

“No you cannot!” the prince snapped, trying to shoo him away with a hoof. “ I’m more than a little irritated with your insistent barging into my bedroom at all hours of the day and I’d like to get a little sleep before those horrid nurses come back in here and terrorize me, thank you very much!”

Seeing a pouting prince glaring at him, Anny quickly showed the white stallion the carton of blackberries that he was holding. “I brought you something to snack on,” he said, giving the carton a little shake. “I know how much you love these things so I went down and got you a whole bunch.”

Blueblood’s frown deepened and his eyes narrowed as he stared at Anny, who continued to wiggle around his tasty bribe, before letting out a disgusted and defeated snort. “…You may come in if you’d like,” the prince mumbled, watching as Anny threw open the door and walked right in. “But I am not going to be happy about it…”

“So how’s my favorite prince doing?” Anny asked, dragging a chair over toward Blueblood’s bed and sitting himself down.

Blueblood, still frowning, ignored the human’s question and snatched the blackberries out of his hands. Licking his lips the princess then proceeded to cram a hoofful into his mouth, groaning in pleasure as he chewed. “Oh sweet Faust have I missed being able to eat something that isn’t drenched in healing potion,” he moaned, ignoring Anny’s chuckles as he inhaled his treat.

“I’d go easy on those, Blue,” Anny advised. “You’re going to mess your stomach up, and--”

“Then those blasted nurses can deal with me when the time comes. Now be quiet and let me eat my feast in peace, you wonderful human you!”

Anny frowned as Blueblood, realizing that stuffing the berries into his mouth wasn’t the most effective system of getting them into his pie-hole, proceeded to simply shove his muzzle into the carton.

“Why did you have to--eh, nevermind…”

Finishing the carton with a satisfied sigh after a minute or two, Blueblood dropped it onto the floor with a groan, patting his belly contently. “Faust bless you, Anny. I needed that,” the prince said, eyeing the human. “Now, what brings you here to my humble abode?”

“Celestia wanted me to come up to the castle for lunch and I decided to come up here to see how you were holding up,” Anny told him, looking over the unicorn expectantly. “So, other than all of the bad food and the whole ‘not being able to move’ thing, how are you doing?”

Blueblood couldn’t help but smile. While he would have believed that a few days ago, he knew for a fact that that was not the whole truth. While he was sure that Anny did care about how he was holding up it seemed to him that the human was trying to gather something from his visits. Blueblood knew that he had been a bit of a grump lately (more like a great big grump but to each his own) and one did not come back into an angry prince’s room day in and day out without wanting something.

What he wanted Blueblood hadn’t the slightest clue, but he was sure that Anny had his reasons for doing so… Though he wished that he’d just go ahead and spit it out if he wanted to know something.

“I’m doing fine, Anny.” Blueblood smiled. “How is my favorite human doing?” His smile turned just a teeny bit sly. “Did my aunt finally tell you when and where your next date is going to be or are the two of you just going to go ahead and skip to the wedding?”

To Blue’s delight, the human flinched, a bit of red coming to his cheeks. “She says that it’s going to be soon,” Anny muttered, trying to ignore the prince’s playful pokes to his shoulder. “She won’t tell me where we’re going but she got me to go and get fitted for a suit the other day so I’m thinking it’s a heck of a lot more fancy than what I did.”

There IS that orchestra coming to the city in a few days, Blueblood thought, giving Anny one last teasing poke before laying back into his bed. Maybe Auntie’s going to take him to that… show him a bit of the royal life and whatnot...

Anny frowned when he saw the calculating look in Blueblood’s eyes. “…Do you know where she’s taking me?”

Blueblood’s mouth twitched, but other than that his expression may as well have been made of stone. “No, I can’t say that I do.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am positive, Anny.”

“…Pinkie promise?”

The prince opened his mouth, only to shut it a moment later. After that an awkward silence filled the room, Anny trying to catch Blueblood’s eye while Blueblood did his best to look anywhere but Anny.

Sizing up the unicorn, Anny leaned forward in his chair. “Come on Blue, I know you know, or at least know that you think you know, so why don’t you be a bro and tell me?” He gave the prince his best puppy dog eyes. “It’ll help me get prepared for the date and everything. Please!”

While this might have been a perfectly reasonable, though a bit underhanded, request, Blueblood’s lips were sealed. Telling Anny what he thought about it might have been all right and in no way traceable to him if his aunt wasn’t a millennia old alicorn and was just a normal mare, but being related to one of the oldest and wisest creatures in the planet made what was normally a simple request into an impossibility. Or at the very least a dangerous request if Celestia really wanted this date to be a surprise.

Blueblood could almost see it now: his aunt would find out somehow that he had told Anny (even if his guess was wrong and they did something totally different), she’d be upset that her surprise was ruined, she’d come stomping into his room and yell the horn off his head, and bam! Straight to the moon.

So, for the sake of not becoming the first unicorn astronaut, the prince just shook his head. “I have no idea where you’re going and I couldn’t even begin to guess where she would take you!” he said, his voice laced his just a bit of fear. “Now why don’t you let me recuperate by getting out of my room and going to this lunch of yours!”

“But!--”

“OUT OUT OUT!”

Raising his arms up defensively, a disappointed Anny stood up. “Alright, no need to get upset, I was just asking,” he said, picking up the chair and carrying it back over to the table. “It’ll just have to be a surprise then…. Dang it...”

Feeling a little bad for snapping at the human like he did, Blueblood said, “Anny… just trust me that wherever my aunt is going to take you is going be wonderful; for her and for you… and… I apologize for yelling.” The prince looked down in shame. “ You came here to see how I was doing and I just start yelling at you…”

Anny smiled, walking back over to the prince and patting him on the head. “Hey, I’m sure I’d be grouchy too if I was cooped up in my bedroom for days at a time,” he said reassuringly. “So it’s no big deal, Blue.”

Giving the prince’s head a final pat, Anny looked up at the clock that Blueblood had on the wall. “Hey, I really do gotta go to lunch with the princess. See you tomorrow Blue!”

:…~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~...:

“—And as you can see, if we being the second stage of my proposal here in the winter then we can—“

Luna sighed as she shifted around her throne, trying her hardest not to outright yawn in front of her subjects out of sheer boredom. While she actually enjoyed attending court with her sister there were times when a mare or stallion would bring in something that was as worthless and boring as it was time-wasting. And, to her horror, this looked like one of those times.

“--And after we have the Pegasus team move the batch of clouds over to the eastern part of the city--”

It looked like one of those times times a thousand.

The stallion below her had been speaking for the past three hours and, by the life of her, Luna had no idea what the heck he was talking about. So she did what anypony would do in a situation like this: pretend to listen while she let her mind and eyes wander around the room.

She snorted when she saw a nobleman wearing a hat that may as well have been a helmet with a chicken on top of it, she frowned when she saw a stallion trying to force himself further along the waiting line (a discrete burst of magic put him in his place though), and she made sure to glare at a pair of guards who looked like they were about to sleep.

If she wasn’t going to contribute in… whatever this pony was saying she could at least make sure that the rest of the day court was running smoothly, something that required a lot of frowning, nudges with magic, and quiet, but angry, muttering to various guards. But, as she looked over at her sister, Luna couldn’t help but crack a smile.

Though Celestia was smiling like she always did when she had to go into “princess-mode”( a run-of-the-mill practiced fake smile) the big white mare looked and was acting a little different today from her usual act of caring ruler. Her eyes were glazed over slightly, she was tapping a hoof against the marble floor almost impatiently, and Luna, if she looked hard enough, could see her sister’s smile was a heck of a lot more forced than usual.

Tia must be doing something with Anny after this, she thought, hiding her smirk behind a mask of royal dignity.

Leaning over, Luna gave her sister’s side a poke. Taking another second to enjoy Celestia’s surprised ‘eep’ and slight jump, she said, “Dost thou have some place to be, sister mine?”

“What the hay’s wrong with you, Luna?” Celestia whispered/yelled with a bit of an embarrassed blush coming to her cheeks. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

Luna, ignoring her sister’s little outburst, smiled. “We apologize that we interrupted thy day dream, Celly,” she said with a mock bowing of the head. “We were simply wondering if thou were going to rush out of the room and furiously make out with young Anny.”

The Lunar Princess almost burst out laughing when she saw her sister stiffen in her seat and heard the squeak that escaped her lips, leaning in and waiting for her sister’s answer. During bore-fests like these one needed to make their own entertainment, and what better fun was there than teasing a family member?

Keeping her eyes glued onto the talking stallion, Celestia gave her sister a slight shove with her wing. Not enough to be noticeable to the ponies below them but it had enough to almost knock Luna off of her throne. Luna, ever the graceful princess, managed to recover herself with barely a stumble, poking her sister’s side with a hoof.

“Anny and Celly sitting in a tree—“

Celestia’s eyes widened in panic, though she somehow managed to make the rest of her appear calm, cool, and collected. “Luna! Shut your trap right this instant!” she demanded, trying to keep her voice to a whisper. “We’re in the middle of court right now and—“

“--K-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes—“

Luna grunted in surprise when the back of her head was smacked with a wing, glaring up at her sister, who kept her eyes down and forward.

Now frowning slightly, she raised a wing of her own and retaliated, slapping her sister’s leg. Celestia answered with a hoof to the shoulder, which in turn Luna answered with a jab to the stomach. This quickly escalated until the two princesses were having the mother of all slap fights.

After a minute or two of the sister’s quiet grunting and the sounds of hooves hitting hooves filled the air, many ponies, noble guardsmen, and commoner alike, couldn’t help but notice the spectacle going on in front of them.

Each and every one of them reacted to this in different ways. Some of the nobles scoffed, looked on in horror, and even passed out for having witnessed their beloved rulers acting like a bunch of foals. To the nobles of Canterlot the great and powerful rulers of the sun and moon were not mere ponies. They stood as the pinnacle of the greatness of equine kind, and the pinnacles of equine kind weren’t supposed to be doing something like… this!

The guards, ponies who worked with and knew their princesses the best, either chuckled to themselves or smiled knowingly at each other. The sisters teased and pranked each other all the time around the castle so what they were seeing was nothing new to them. It might have been a bit odd that they were acting like this in front of the commoners and nobles, but nopony was getting hurt by their little slap fight and, to be fair, the stallion that was speaking was about as interesting as watching paint dry, so they just stood there and watched the whole scene unfold in front of them.

The common pony had the most diverse set of reactions when seeing their rulers act like a pair of children. Some started up at the alicorns in shock, some averted their gaze, others silently cheering the two on, and even a pony or three started taking up bets on who was going to win this impromptu duel.

And, to the surprise of everyone in the room, the stallion that was speaking still somehow didn’t notice what was going on in front of him and continued to speak about… whatever he was talking about.

Truly, this was a royal court for the ages.

“Luna! Stop this right now young lady!”

“Nay old hag! We will only concede when thou hast admitted to wanting to rain kisses upon Anny’s face!”

Celestia growled, eyes burning with righteous fury as she did her best to slap some sense into her sister. “You’re going to have diplomat greeting duty for the next dozen world summits for this, little sister!”

Luna just smiled her cheeky smile, weaving through her sister’s flailing hooves to boop her on the nose. “Then we have nothing to lose, Tia!” The crowd of ponies in the throne room let out a cheer as Luna let out a booming laugh. “Now, prepare for the slaps to be doubled! And—“

“Excuse me, your Majesties.”

Celestia and Luna froze, looking away from each other and toward the one of the guards, who looked like he was trying his hardest not to fall over laughing.

Still looking at one of her little ponies, ever the gentlemare, Celestia slugged her sister in the ribs before easing back into her seat and looked down at him.

“Yes, my little pony?” she said with a smile; a smile which only became wider when she saw her sister give her the stink eye while she rubbed her ribs.

“The court is about to adjourn in a minute or two. ”

Nodding and rising out of her seat, Celestia looked over to the crowd of ponies still waiting to be heard by her. “I’m sorry, my subjects,” she said apologetically. “But it appears that court is finished for the day. Please come again tomorrow and my sister and I would be more than happy to hear you. Good day to you all.”

The crowd groaned, bags of bits changing hooves as ponies quietly left the throne room.

Luna, still rubbing her side, said, “Yes, our dear subjects, we will see thee on the morrow. But now our sister has to go and—omph!”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Thunderlane trotted into his house with a weary sigh. Being Canterlot’s weather director was a tiring job but somepony had to do it, and Thunder happened to do it, and had been doing it, for many, many years.

Unlike like many of the other cities around the country, he and his crew were finely tuned machines, able to whip up a snowstorm or stop a tornado in the blink of an eye. Canterlot was where the country’s best and brightest came to live and work so it was obvious that even the weather team, a usually plain and simple job, needed to be stocked with the best of the best.

... Or so Thunder always told himself. Calling your weather team the best and a bunch of weather machines sounded a heck of a lot better than him and a bunch of lazy Pegasi who just flew around and tried to look like they were busy. Heck, to be honest his job wasn’t even that important in the grand scheme of things. He just needed to sign some weather forms and yell at a stallion or two…

But hey, that didn’t mean that he didn’t love his job any less! He loved his job and took it very seriously. It was the only thing that kept his bills paid after all, and being good at one's job tended to keep one’s higher ups from canning your fanny whenever they thought they could hire somepony else. And good at his job he was. Under his watch the weather in this fair city, and all of the little towns around it, was tightly scheduled and planned beforehand. The winds blew a certain way, there were only to be this many clouds in the sky during this part of the day, and it was only supposed to rain this hard on these days.

One would think that planning something out like this would take a lot of time and effort, and you’d be right. Scheduling for the weather was a horrible, faith-testing experience that Thunder did every single year and it made him hate one single thing more than anything else in the world: ponies trying to get him to change his weather schedule. He usually spent months working on the schedule, he’d lose sleep over the schedule, he’d have to make so many trips to Cloudsdale that he started to hate the place, and some love-struck mare would come up to him and ask him if he’d be kind enough to not have a rainstorm on this day, or maybe if he could have a teeny tiny snowstorm in the middle of June because she thought it’d be romantic! Needless to say, most ponies were practically thrown out of his office if he or she had the nerve to ask something like this.

Unfortunately for him, Princess Celestia was no average pony. The princess, not a messenger, not some official or even a noble, but the princess herself, had come down to his office to ask that he reschedule Saturday’s thunderstorm and just have a nice, bright sunny day. While he would have preferred to simply shout the princess out of his office, he had decided to keep his mouth shut and listen. She was the one that signed his paychecks every week and as a rule of thumb Thunder never bit the hoof that fed him. So, since she was an extra special case and somepony that he had to respect and treat like an equine, the old stallion had to sit down, offer the princess a chair and some tea, and tell her why he wasn’t going to do that and why she was dumb for even asking him to consider it.

Imagine his surprise when the princess had not only managed to talk him into it, by pulling a revised weather schedule from out of nowhere, but she had even offered to raise his and his staff’s wages for the next four months if he agreed!

So, as tired and grouchy as Thunder was, the stallion couldn’t help but smile as he set his old cap on his coat rack and trotted into his living room, wondering what the hay he was going to use all of his extra income on. The old prude in him considered saving a huge portion of it in his bed (aka the First National Bank of Thunder) but had been eyeing that new fishing boat that had come on the market a few weeks ago. He could get one of those, get a couple of days off, and head right up to Trottingham to get some bass finishing in while—

“Excuse me monsieur, might I have a moment of your time?”

Thunder froze, violently wrenched out of his fishing related thoughts as he frantically searched around for the phantom voice.

“Over here sir!” The voice almost sing-songed from the kitchen.

Though every instinct was telling him to turn around, run out the door, and go and get a couple dozen guards, Thunder found himself slowly making his way into his little kitchen. In there, instead of the ghost of burglar that he was expecting, was the famous model/noblemare Fleur de Lis sitting at one of his tables with two other equally beautiful mares, all whom were quietly drinking tea.
Faced with this impossible and surreal experience, Thunder said the only thing that came to his short-circuited mind.

“Umm… Hello?”

Fleur looked up from her tea, her eyes flashing briefly for a moment, smiling up at the stallion. “Oh, there you are, Mr. Thunder,” she said cheerfully while one of the mystery mares rose from her chair and started to walk toward him. “We were wondering when you were going to arrive home.”

Thunder, realizing that something was wrong with Fleur, these mares, and this whole situation on general, tried to take a step back away from the oncoming mare, but, to his horror, he found that he was rooted to the ground where he stood. He tried to open his mouth to say something when the beautiful mare that had been leisurely walking toward him had turned into something… else. Something black and bug-like and whose eyes he could look away from.

“My assistants and I would love to speak to you about something… If you don’t mind of course.”

@@

Celestia had always considered herself an upstanding and model princess, one that was always graceful always charming, and one that never rushed anywhere…. At least while in public… usually. One might be able to gallop away from their workplace after all the working was finished with a happy shout but that wasn’t her. When she was finished with her daily pile of paperwork and her daily crowd of complaining subjects she always left the throne room with an elegant smile on her face and at a leisurely pace.

And today was no different! She may have been walking a little faster than normal today to go and see Anny in the royal kitchens but she wasn’t running! It was more of a power walk really. To be fair though, she may have been a little excited about having finally completed all of the task necessary for her date to go smoothly. The tickets to the opera had been purchased—wonderful seats in the middle of everything— she had picked out a wonderful little eatery in the nicest part of the city, and she had even gotten outfits for both her and Anny. Now she just needed to go and tell him the good news.

This date is going to be wonderful, she thought as she made her way into the kitchen, smiling in delight when she saw Anny waving at her. A familiar warmth spread through her chest as the human smiled at her, Anny’s eyes teeming with happiness and delight as she made her way over toward him. It might not be what Anny did for me but hopefully it’ll be the next best thing.

After the two shared a hug, Celestia took a seat next to Anny before saying, “Oh, Hello Anny. I was wondering if you happened to be busy this weekend? Because I just so happened to have a pair of tickets to…”

Step Four: Don't Let A Rainy Day Take Your Sunshine Away
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Four: Don't Let A Rainy Day Take Your Sunshine Away

In every male’s life, be they man, pony, gryphon, or even dragon, there is a moment when they’re in the same room as their mother, someone who had raised and nurtured and formed them into the person that they were today, and that mother just breaks down and cries her eyes out.

While this can be over the smallest things (depending on the mother’s disposition) other times its for the stepping stones in a man’s life. One’s first trip to the prom, the first time you go to the emergency room, when you move out; when faced with these life-changing events (once again depending on whether or not the mother’s a crier or not) a mother will grip her son firmly, bury her head into his shoulder, and cry her eyes out while doing her very best to make her son as uncomfortable as humanly (or what have you) possible. And, as fate would have it, it was once again time for Velvet Sparkle to unleash the waterworks.

“Oh my sweet boy’s grown into s-such a FINE STALLLLLLION!” Velvet cried, trying her very best to squeeze Anny’s leg off as the poor man tried to get his suit on. “I-I Remember w-when you w-were such a l-little thing…”

While Anny could have said that the mare, in fact, had only known him for a few months and she wasn’t actually his mother (he had a mom he loved very much thank you) he decided to let her have this…. whatever it was. The poor mare wasn’t going to leave him alone otherwise, so he may as well get this part of the night out of the way as quickly and painlessly as possible.

With a sigh he picked her up and held her tight. “There, there, everything’s alright…”

Velvet only sobbed louder. “I-I’m going to l-lose another c-colt to a p-p-princess! I-I’m going to b-be a-all alone…”

Nightlight looked up from his paper and smiled at his wife. “You’ll still have me after everypony else is gone, Honey.”

Velvet continued to cry like she hadn’t heard him. “I’m g-going to b-be all ALONE!” she cried again, burying her face into Anny’s neck (covering his suit with tears and snot) while Nightlight deflated, grumbling as he went back to his newspaper.

Trying his hardest not to laugh, Anny carried the mare into the living room where Spike and Twilight were lounging, Twilight reading a book and Spike looking over the newest issue of Power Ponies.

“Mom’s crying because she thinks the princess is stealing you?” Twilight asked, not bothering to look up from her book.

“MY BABBBBBYYYYYYYY!”

“Yep.” Anny started rocking Velvet back and forth while patting her on the back. “Do you have any tips to get her to calm down?”

Twilight hummed thoughtfully, putting down her book and surveying the living room until her gaze rested upon Spike, who was quietly reading his comic book in the far side of the room. Smiling she hopped out of her chair and trotted over to Anny and nudged her mother’s leg.

“Mom?”

Choking back a sob, Velvet looked down at her daughter. A daughter that she had nursed and bathed and put to bed and put socks on her whenever her ‘hoofsies’ got cold and who was probably going to leave her like Anny and Shining because she was growing up soooo fast!

The poor old mare bit back another sob. No! She had to be strong! For her baby! “Y-Yes dear?”

Twilight’s smile turned mischievous. “Spike was just telling me that he was getting kind of tired and that he’d like somepony to maybe tell him a bedtime story. Maybe you could help him with that?...”

As she trailed off Spike, hearing someone saying his name, looked up from his comic. “Hey Twi, were you talking about—“

Spike watched as Velvet, now wide-eyed and with a maniacal smile on her face, wiggled out of Anny’s grasp and charged toward him. “Oh my poor Spikey! Momma hasn’t been paying attention to her baby drake, has she?!”

Spike looked left and right, hoping to find a way to get out of the way of the steamroller that was his mother. But alas, he was a short, stubby little drake and the chair he was sitting on was a bit higher than he would have liked so there was no way he was hopping out of this chair without Velvet catching him. And it didn’t look like Anny and Twilight were going to be any help since they were just standing there with smiles on their faces while they watched his impending doom.

Spike the dragon was not stupid; he knew a hopeless situation when he saw one, and it would be better if he just took it like a drake and let his end come with quiet dignity…

“Nopenopenopenopenope!”

…But he’d be damned if he didn’t give running the good ol’ college try first.

“LET MOMMA BABY HER BABY DRAGON!”

Yelping, he threw his comic over his shoulder and rolled off his chair just as Velvet leapt toward him, hooves spread wide.

CRASH!

Hitting the ground with a painful thud, but quickly scrambling to his feet, Spike raced toward the stairs, running as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him. “This is horseapples, Twi!” he shouted, his voice high-pitched in fear. “This is horseapples and I don—oomph!”

Unfortunately for Spike his little run to freedom had been doomed from the start. A mother’s love was unstoppable and unreasonable; there was no trying to reason with it, there was no trying to get away from it, all one could do was sit back and pray that whatever happened was short and sweet (though it never was, EVER). It also might help that Velvet was quite a bit faster than our poor dragon.

Velvet cooed as she brought the struggling little dragon to her chest and gave his cheek a nuzzle. “There’s my baby. You know you almost gave me a heartattack! Momma thought you hurt yourself when you fell out of that chair.”

“SOMEPONY HELP ME!!!!”

Giving him one more nuzzle, Velvet looked over toward Anny. “You have fun on your date, Honey. Make sure that no-good princess doesn’t take advantage of you.” She looked down at Spike with a smile. “Spiky and I have a long night ahead of us; don’t we my widdle dragon?”

“HEEEEELLLLPPPPPP!”

Twilight and Anny watched as Velvet, humming a lullaby, carried Spike, kicking and screaming, up the stairs.

“…Was it this bad when Shining was going out with Cadance?” Anny asked as Twilight magicked his suit clean.

“It might not have been as bad since I was still living here so mom had somepony to baby, but I don’t remember it being that fun either,” Twilight answered, gesturing him to sit down. “So... are you ready for your date?”

Anny looked at his hands with a small smile. “Yeah, I think so,” he mumbled, twiddling this thumbs. “I’m still nervous though…”

Chuckling, Twilight wrapped a wing around her friend and pulled him close. “I’m sure that this date will go great,” she said, looking him over. “And don’t worry, I’m sure that the princess is as nervous about this as you.”

She tapped his side with a hoof. “If you just be yourself and not to anything silly during the orchestra I’m sure the two of you will have a ton of fun!.”

KNOCK KNOCK!

Anny and Twilight looked at the door for a moment before the purple princess lightly nudged him. “I think that that’s for you,” she said, straightening his tie before forcing him to his feet with her magic.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Anny walked over to the door and threw it open revealing a smiling Celestia.

“Good evening, Anny,” the mare said with a smile as Anny gaped at her. “You’re looking wonderful thiswith evening.” The princess was decked out in a shimmering gold dress, slim-fitting but modest, her mane had been done up and cleaned so the rainbow mane was draped across her neck and shoulders, and to top it all off she even had a gold and pearl necklace around her neck. Unlike the dress she had worn at the royal garden party, this dress was a very plain and simple one. One could find a dress just like it anywhere if one bothered to look, but that still didn’t stop Anny from staring…. And staring…. And staring...

Celestia giggled, reaching up and gently closing his open mouth. “And from your reaction I must be looking quite alright myself?”

A blush exploding across his face, Anny adjusted his tie with an awkward cough. “Sorry, sorry, I was just a bit….”

“Distracted,” the princess offered with a smile.

“Anny, if you get any redder you’re going to pass out!” Twilight chirped from the comfort of her chair.

Celestia had to bite back a chuckle as Anny squirmed in front of her and her old student giggled in the background. And here I thought I was going to be the only one that was going to be nervous on this date, she thought, taking a step forward and nuzzling Anny’s side. Though she might have looked calm, cool, and collected to Anny and Twilight, underneath that thin layer of grace and charm was a very nervous pony. For days and days she had woken up early and went to bed with this date in mind. She wanted to make this date as perfect as their first date had been, no matter what. And, to the princess’s irritation, she found this to be a terribly daunting task.

For the past week she had been running herself ragged. She had had dresses made and remade, she had visited every restaurant in the city twice to decide where she was going to take Anny, she even went and bothered the weather ponies to make today as clear and sunny as possible, and a dozen other different (some might even say insignificant) little things that she thought would add a little more “zing” to her and Anny’s day together. And even then, even with all of that work, she still didn’t feel like it was going to be enough.

This was the first date she had set up in a loooooooooong time; what if she messed something up that made Anny hate her?!

What if the food at the Prench restaurant she had bought out for the night made something that made Anny sick?! Or, even worse, it made the two of them gassy!

Or what, heaven forbid, if some ancient foe of her’s decided now was the time to take its revenge on her! Anny would be sure to be upset if that happened!

In fact, if Anny had bothered to look at all, he would have noticed that Celestia looked about ready to have a good old-fashioned breakdown. Her wings were twitching, her legs were shaking underneath her dress, and the smile on her face was just a bit too big to be real. But the Princess of the Sun was a strong-willed, tough mare, even though she was a… little nervous, she’d be able to power through it with a great big smile!

Probably.

Now you calm down, Celestia, the alicorn thought, nervously shifting her weight back and forth. You and Anny spend time together, so there’s no need to get fidgety like this! All you need to do is stay calm and everything will work out. Everythingwillworkout!!!”

Wanting to start this date out on the right hoof (and maybe calm her frayed nerves), Celestia decided to have a bit of fun and knock her giggling ex-student down a few pegs.

“I’m sure Anny will remember that whenever a stallion takes you out on a date, my old student. Maybe I should show him where your mother keeps your baby pictures so he can get in a few chuckles himself…” That shut the purple princess right up, Twilight ducking behind her book with a blush of her own.

A smile still on her face, Celestia offered Anny a wing. “Anny, would you please follow me?”

Breath in, breath out… Everything’s going to be fine, there’s no need to get all flustered and nervous…

Though she could hear her heart beating in her ears Celestia managed to keep her serene smile on her face as Anny took her wing. Just keep breathing, just keeeeep breathing. The orchestra is going to play wonderfully, your dinner is going to be the best either of you has ever had, and at the end of the night you might even get a kiss! So smile, be elegant, and don’t you DARE fly away! Or teleport! Or a combination of the two!

~_~_~_~_~__

Though we do our best to predict the future and plan for it accordingly sometimes life likes to throw us curveballs to ruin whatever plans that you’ve made for yourself. Sometimes these curveballs can be good, even great, things, but other times these curveballs can test a person’s mettle to their utmost limit. These curveballs are the most emotionally taxing because they always seem to come right at the exact moment you do not want any curveballs in your life.

CLOSED DUE TO UNEXPECTED HAPPENSTANCE
WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

For the past ten minutes, Anny had been staring at the little closed sign on the locked door of the Canterlot Royal Theater with his date. For ten long and quiet and almost painful minutes the two had just stood there, not moving, talking, and with either hardly daring to breath.

“…Closed…” Celesta finally managed to choke out in disbelief, walking over and pulling at the door. “It’s… closed…”

Of all of the things that could have happened on this date this might have been the absolute worst possible thing. Celestia could have gotten another dress if the one she was wearing had been ruined, she could have booked another restaurant at the last minute if something had gone wrong at that end, but this, this?!

Going to the opera was supposed to be the main event of the night! This was where she and Anny were supposed to snuggle up in a booth together while they watched a beautiful reproduction of “The Stars in the Sky”! The finest musicians and best singers/actors in the world were supposed to come to this theater to play! And it had been closed down because of the WEATHER?! SOMETHING THAT PONIES CONTROLLED?!

There had been no back-up plan for this. Celestia had went all in and put all of her eggs in this basket, and now it looked like that was going to up and bite her right in the flank. They both had gotten all dressed up and she had spent all of those long, long days planning for nothing. When faced with something like this even the strongest willed people can and will break down, and the Princess of the Sun was no exception.

BOOM!

Celestia sniffled as the first raindrop hit the ground beside her, looking down at the ground and sitting on her rump in misery.

“…It’s closed…”

She looked back up at the sign, not even noticing as the rain quickly turned into nothing less than a monsoon, drenching the two within seconds.

“Celestia!” Anny cried, taking off his jacket and throwing it around her. “We gotta get out of this rain!

BOOM!

Using one hand to shield his face from the wind and rain and the other to get a good hold of the princess, Anny led his date down the street and toward the castle, neither noticing a pair of green eyes watching them leave from inside the theater.

~_~_~_~_~_~_

Fleur watched as Anny and Celestia sprinted through the streets of the city from the safety of a building that her “helpers” had gotten for her with a smirk on her face.

Oh, this is DELICIOUS! The mare thought, sipping on a cup of tea. The LOOK on Celestia’s face… oh my the gods will that look be in my dreams now forever and ever…

It might have taken a lot of work—ponies had to be coltnapped and/or brainwashed, a good deal of magic had to be used to give what was supposed to be a light rainstorm a bit more of a kick, and she had had to stay up half of last night and most of this day to see the look on Celestia’s face when she saw the closed sign— but Fleur felt that all of the hard work had paid off in the end. The weather was too bad for the princess and Anny to do anything but stay inside, and right now they were both wet and cold and probably miserable, and Celestia had looked like she was going to break down in tears before the storm had started up.

If what her “helpers” had said was true, the Princess of the Sun had worked very, very hard to make this date perfect, so being the one to smash apart everything bit by bit felt even better. It would almost be like how the princess had broken down her and Anny’s budding relationship by getting in the way and stealing him! Fleur gritted her teeth and sat her tea cup down a little harder than she meant to. There’s no need to get huffy, darling, she told herself, taking a deep breath to calm herself. You’ve won this round; maybe even the whole war. Surely Anny won’t want to go out with that cow after—

“Excuse me, lady Fleur?”

Fleur blinked as one of the mares Jeeves had hired for her suddenly appeared right in front of her with her head bowed low.

“Did you need something?” The supermodel asked in irritation. “Couldn’t you see that I was trying to enjoy a cup of te—“ Fleur gritted her teeth as pain erupted from her skull, making her close her eyes and hiss in pain.

The mare in front of her took a step forward. “Are you alright, my lady? It’s your head again isn’t it? Here, allow me.” Fleur heard the tinkle of magic before a soothing coolness washed over her.

Sighing in relief, Fleur sunk back into her chair. “Thank you very much,” she said gratefully, rubbing her temple with a hoof. This mare should really wait for me to answer before casting spells on me, Fleur idly thought, cracking open an eye to see the mare smiling at her with fanged—no… it was just a normal cheery smile; she was just seeing things…

“Now what did you need? I was in the middle of watching something very important.”

Though she hadn’t asked her to, the mare walked over and gently pulled Fleur out of her chair. “I was just going to tell you that a few of my colleagues were going to go to the castle for a few hours,” she said, almost dragging Fleur into what appeared to be a bedroom. Why does this mare’s coat feel so… rubbery? she wondered before yawning tiredly. It looked like all of her hard work was finally catching up to her. She could barely keep her eyes open….

“And what… are you going to be doing up at the castle?” Fleur asked, sounding far off and distant even to herself as the mare gently placed her on the bed.

The mare giggled. “You don’t need to concern yourself with that, “my lady”. All you need to worry about is getting some sleep...”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“Why was it closed? Even if there was a weather warning it wasn’t like the opera was an outdoor event… I knew I should have looked for something else for us to do… I ruined mine and Anny’s day because...”

Anny sighed as he placed his soaked clothes into a basket and threw on a robe that a maid found that the minotaur delegates used whenever they came to the castle. It might have not been the best fit in the world and it might have smelled… odd, but at least he was out of those wet clothes.

The same, unfortunately, couldn’t be said for Celestia, who was still in her dress, with rainwater dripping off her nose, staring blankly out of the balcony of her room while she muttered to herself. The princess looked sad; so sad that she looked like she was about to cry even, and Anny was sure that her being soaked and probably cold wasn’t helping matters. What had happened was something Anny had been dreading himself when he had set up their date, and he didn’t even pretend to understand how horrible Celestia must have felt right now. All of the hard work she must have put into getting these clothes made for him, getting the tickets for the opera she had apparently wanted to take him to, and for all of that to go right down the drain…

Honestly, Celestia was taking it a heck of a lot better than he thought he would if he was in her horseshoes. If he had planned out this fancy date and the two of them got rained out he would still have been in front of that theater laying on the ground in a fetal position probably crying his eyes out. Though, to be fair, Celestia didn’t look too far from that right now...

Getting up from the edge of the bed that he had been occupying for the last few minutes, Anny walked over toward the princess with the intent on trying to cheer her up a bit. We might have had a little... hiccup but that still doesn’t mean that we still can’t enjoy tonight, he thought, wrapping an arm around the poor, sad, snuffling princess. I don’t know what the heck the two of us are gonna do but we’ll do something.

“…Princess? Celestia? Come on, it’s not that bad,” Anny said, trying to lead the mare away from the balcony and toward her bed.

“Our whole day is ruined because of this rain,” Celestia said mournfully, weakly trying to push Anny away so she could mope in peace. “I cannot take you out to see the opera, we cannot go out and have a lovely dinner together, and…” trailing off, Celestia hide her face behind a wing and started to sniffle again.

“Hey, hey! You don’t need to cry! I hate operas anyway! Yep, they’re the worst thing in the world”

Celestia’ lifted her wing just enough so Anny could see the tears in her eyes. “Oh… so even if all of my hard work would have paid off you still wouldn’t have enjoyed it…”

Though Anny didn’t think it was possible, the princess looked even sadder. “Oh shoot! I DIDN’T MEAN THAT!” Anny cried, his hands going to his head. “The opera is GREAT!... And fun!... And the food they serve there is alright?... Please don’t cry; if you start crying I’ll start crying…”

Celestia couldn’t help but giggle weakly. “They don’t serve food during a proper opera, Anny. You sit and watch beauty itself happen before your eyes...” she said, hopping onto her bed with a sad sigh. “I would have been more than happy to show you just how incredible one can be if done properly… but now…”

“Now we can do something else,” Anny cut her off while she simply magicked off her dress and threw it into a clothes basket, levitating over a towel to dry herself off with.

“Such as?”

Anny opened his mouth as the princess raised an eyebrow, lifting up a hand into the air before slowly putting it back down against his side. “…I don’t know,” he admitted. Celestia tried to look down but Anny caught her chin and forced her to look back at him. “But we can have fun while this crazy weather’s going on, right?” Taking a step away from her, he gestured around the room. “We have loads of fun around the castle all of the time!” With a nervous smile he nudged her. “And you’re Princess Celestia: one of the smartest peo--er, ponies that I know! You’ll figure out something amazing for the two of us to do like that!”

Silence spun out between them for a horrible, terrible second, and Anny thought that the only thing that he had managed to do was make everything just that much worse as he looked at Celestia’s unreadable expression.

PleaseworkpleaseworkpleaseworkpleaseworkPLEASEWORK!

Wiping her nose with a hoof, the princess smiled at Anny. “…You’re right, Anny. I shouldn’t let a small bump in the road ruin this whole night.” With each word she spoke Anny could see the strength come back into the princess as the sadness was cast out.

Giving herself a quick toweling, Celestia hopped off her bed and trotted toward the door. “ We should have more than enough to keep ourselves entertained until I send somepony down to the Canterlot weather office to see why the weather outside is running amok. I’ll be back in a few minutes, Anny, so please make yourself comfortable.” She was about to reach for the door but stopped, looking over her shoulder at him with an embarrassed smile and a blush. “And I… I’m sorry that I might have gotten a little out of hoof.” Her smile dampened just a hair. “I just wanted to make this perfect for the both of us...”

HAH!I DIDN’T ruin everything! Anny nodded. “I understand, Celestia, and I’d be more than happy to sit here and wait for you.” Anny watched as the princess walked through the door and out into the hallway before falling back into the bed with a groan.

“What the heck is wrong with me?” he asked. “ ‘I hate operas anyways?’ How was that supposed to stop her from crying?” Still feeling like a moron he covered his face with his hands. “Why am I so bad at speaking to women?!”

~_~_~_~_~_~_

Though Celestia had been disheartened, Anny’s little pep talk, or what she assumed was his attempt at a pep talk, had rallied her. And in her rallied state she had gone around the castle cracking whips and getting things done so that her date could get back on track. She sent a messenger and a few guardsponies to see the city’s weather manager (she was tempted to send another group to see where the musicians for the orchestra had gone off to but decided against it), she had the cooks whip up some snacks and a few pizzas, and she had gotten her maids to scrounge up a couch large enough to seat two people very comfortably, a pair of the fluffiest and warmest blankets in the whole castle, and a movie projector. If she wasn’t going to be able to show Anny the finest play in the world she was going to show him the next best thing in her mind!

…Though in doing so might reveal something that she still wanted to keep a secret from Anny.

You see, Princess Celestia: Ruler of Equestria and Lady of the Sun, had a rather embarrassing secret. Though it was no secret that she was an avid reader, something that had rubbed off on that old student of hers, there were a series of books that she liked. Really, really liked; easily to the point of infatuation. It was so bad that she had even started picking up hobbies that revolved around this series of books. After completing the second book her sixth or seventh time, Celestia had started to write fan fiction (under an alias of course); and publish it to the local fan clubs around the city. After the fourth book (the strongest of the series) the princess had bought every collectable, book, and nick-nack imaginable and had constructed a secret compartment in her closet to hide from her sister so every once in a while she could gaze upon her “most prized possessions”.

This love of the series grew and grew and grew until it hit a breaking point when the seventh book (Celestia’s favorite book of the series) had debuted. After that she was no long just Princess Celestia, she was Princess Celestia the die-hard fan. She personally helped to fund at least half a dozen cons, she had made it a point to meet the author of the series in person and badger them until she had an autograph, heck, she had even hoof-stitched her own outfit (made exactly like the main characters of course!) and plushies.

Celestia: Princess of Equestria and Lady of the Sun was a rabid, hardcore, and unwavering lover of the Daring Do series. And she also happened to have the newest film for the series in her bedroom, a film that she had happened to watch many, many times and would continue to watch for a long while. And she hoped, with all of her heart, that she could show Anny this movie and this wonderful collection of books and he’d love it all as much as she did. But she had to be careful. If she showed him this thing that she cared deeply and felt strongly about and got a little too… excited she might ruin this whole night for the two of them. Or even worse she could just up and scare him off. So the princess was in a predicament. Should she show Anny that she was one of the biggest Daring Do fans alive, show him the true her rather, or would she just go and find another movie and find another way to approach this subject with him?

Ruffling her feathers nervously, Celestia trotted over and carefully brought out the film reel that she had been hiding behind her desk. Now you just need to EASE him into this, Celestia old girl, she thought. Don’t recite everything the characters say, don’t yell or cry or anything silly like that, and for the love of cake DON’T bring out your Daring Do vest and hat!... Even though you really want to! Looking over to the couch that Anny was sitting comfortably, already wrapped up in his blanket and eating his pizza with a happy smile, she gulped.

…Hopefully he doesn’t hate this… Pleasedon’tlethimhatethis!

“Anny? I know that it’s not much but I happened to have a film that the two of us can watch,” Celestia said, trotting over and nervously sitting on the couch next to him, doing her best to avoid eye contact. “I’m sorry in advance if this is not your cup of tea, but it’s one of the only ones we have in the castle right now and I don’t have the heart to send anypony else out into that weather right now...”

Anny looked at the roll of film that she had in her hooves curiously. “Oh I’m fine with watching whatever,” he said casually, leaning back into the sofa. “But if you don’t mind me asking what are we watching?”

Justbreathjustbreathjustbreathjustbreath!

“Daring Do and the Silver Shackle.”

Anny’s eyes widened and a particular sound (something between a gasp, a squeak, and something a startled ferret would make) escaped his throat as he looked at the reel.

“B-But that’s n-not supposed to b-be out for a-another three m-months,” he said, sounding shaky and breathless.

Celestia wiggled uncomfortably in her seat. “Well, you see, I was gifted an early version on the—“

“Have you seen it already?” Anny asked excitedly, almost bouncing in his seat.

Thirty-seven times, Celestia automatically thought. And I’ve already checked each and every scene to see if there’s any hints at the new book. Which there are plenty of! I don’t care what the--no, NO Celestia! Focus on your date!

“…I’ve watched it with Luna once or twice when I had the free time,” the princess said, eyeing Anny. “…Anny, if you don’t mind me asking, do you happen to be a fan of the books?”

Realizing that he may have been making a bit of a fool of himself, Anny once again leaned back into his chair awkwardly coughed. “…I may have read a few of the books, Celestia,” he said invasively. “Twilight bumped one or two on me and forced me to read them because of a… thing…”

You see, Celestia wasn’t the only one that had a “dirty” secret. Anny also happened to be a fan of the Daring Do series. Not to the level that Celestia was (mostly because he was usually broke), but he could have given Rainbow Dash a run for her money. He had seen every one of the movies twice, he had bought each of the books and read them to pieces and went and bought them again, and he may or may not have a T-shirt autographed by the author of the series (aka the most prized position in his house) hidden away in a closet locket in a fireproof safe that was under a bunch of blankets. And, unlike Celestia, who had somehow managed to keep her love for the series mostly under wraps, he was more… vocal fan when it came to anything Daring Do. Almost embarrassingly so.

Celestia smiled. So he’s read a few of the books, she thought, a small, relieved smile coming to her face. Oh thank Faust! “And did you… enjoy them?”

Anny took a sudden, and extreme, interest in the floor. “…I might have enjoyed reading the books… and I might have watched a movie or… three.”

The princesses eyes widened. Could it be that she had found a fellow Do-thusiast? She bit her lip, wondering if she should just take the plunge and ask him or should the two of them just dance around the issue for a few more minutes?

...No, no… We can just watch the movie and I’ll see his reaction from that…

“Good, then I’m sure that you won’t mind watching this then?” she asked, trotting over toward the projector and pulling out the film from its protective case.

Anny bite his lip and simply nodded, his eyes glued to the film and Celestia put it through the projector with practiced grace. Alright, he thought. You’re going to have to keep your mouth shut for this movie! You don’t want to freak Celestia out!

He flinched slightly when Celestia turned out the lights in her room with a spell, but a nervous smile found its way on his face as she turned around.

Sure, you’re about to see a movie that’s not supposed to come out for months, and sure Dash would sell her house for a chance like this and it’s going to be awesome to rub this in her face, but you need to be an adult about this. No screaming, no squealing, no shouting; you’re just going to sit here, watch this movie quietly and everything will go swimmingly.

Celestia, with a thoughtful smile on her face, sat down next to her date and cuddled against her side as the beginning credits started. “Anny? Would you be a dear and pass me a slice of pizza please?” she whispered, her eyes glued to the screen.

Oh my goodness look at how good that looks! OHHHH! And it looked like they’re going to be in Saddle Arabia just like in the second book! I wonder if they’re going to have to deal with the Sultan again or

“Anny? Could you please pass me a slice of pizza?”

Anny frowned, and was about to shush the princess (how dare she talk during something like this!) but then bit his lip. “O-Oh, yeah, here you go, Celestia,” he said, just passing her a slice of the pie.

Though the princess took it off his hands, her eyes were still scanning his face. “Are… you alright there, Anny? You look really... sweaty…”

Anny’s eyes widened. StaycalmstaycalmstaycalmSTAYCALM!

“Yeah, I’m--”

The world seemed to stop as Daring Do popped up on the screen, a grin on her face and a whip in her hoof.

Oh my gosh… She’s getting chased by zebra tribesponies! She’sgettingchasedbyzebratribesponies!!! THIS MOVIE’S GONNA BE SO AWESOME!

Celestia watched as one of Anny’s legs kicked out and a low whine escaped his throat, a great big smile coming to her face. It seems that I’ve found another fellow Do-thusiast, she thought, her wings giving a happy little flap.

“Anny?” she said, placing a hoof on Anny’s knee. “You know that you’ll be my friend no matter what you do, correct?” Anny’s eyes finally snapped away from the screen and landed on her face. Oh horseapples, he looks like he’s going to have a heartattack, Celestia thought in amusement. The poor dear must have been really trying to keep from having a fan meltdown…

Still smiling, she squeezed his knee. “Now why don’t you go ahead and tell me what’s wrong, hmm?”

The princess could see a range of emotions wage war across Anny’s face before he sighed, turning away from her. “I… might actually like Daring Do a lot more than I let on… Like I like-like it.” He took a deep breath before looking back into her eyes. “I didn’t want to… freak you out or anything so I tried to keep myself calm when you said that you had a movie I’ve been wanting to see for months but I guess I couldn’t do it…. I’m sorry, Princess.”

Anny expected her face to crinkle up in disgust, but all he got was a wing wrapping itself around his shoulder. “There’s nothing to apologize for, Anny,” she told him. “It’s good to be passionate in life, even if its for what some would call a “silly” hobby.”

Anny couldn’t help but smile, leaning into the princesses wing hug. “Thanks Celestia,” he said, sounding relieved. “I don’t know if I would have been able to just sit there and be quiet during the whole movie.” A sheepish smile can on his face. “It’s just that I really like Daring Do, and I’m sure you know how stuff like that is…”

Celestia found that her curtains were now the most interesting things in the room, staring at them as she said, “Well… would it be alright if I showed you an Ahuizotl plushie that I’ve been working on while we watch the opening scene then?”

Anny stiffened in surprise as Celestia levitated a piece of pizza over and started to nibble on it, refusing to look at anything other than the window.

Pleasesayyespleasesayyes!

“…As long as I get to hold it during the entire movie,” Anny finally answered, reaching for his piece of pizza before snuggling fully against Celestia’s side.

~_~_~_~_~_~_

Sergeant Gunter growled as he and his fellow soldiers landed on front of the palace, cold and wet and miserable.

For the past five hours he and his squad had been helping the weather ponies clear up this monster of a storm. A storm that had apparently just up and made itself since nopony knew who whipped it up.

The weather ponies swore that they didn’t make it (saying something about how it was supposed to be a sunny day today) but the Sergeant just thought that that was a load of horseapples. Somepony had obviously been asleep at the wheel and now they were trying to cover it up. The head weather pony might have even screwed something up now that Gunter thought about it. The old colt looked like he hadn’t slept in days…

Well, no matter. They had stopped the winds and destroyed all of the rain and lightning clouds, so as far as he was concerned the matter was over and done with. All they had to do was report that the storm was handled and then he and his men could take off this soggy armor, warm up, and hit the hay for a hard earned rest.

“Alright everypony, return to the barracks and hit the showers. You did good lads,” the Sergeant said with a small smile.

The colts saluted before trotting past him in single file.

…Wait a minute…

Why had Private Pawn and Rook’s eyes glowed green as they passed him?...

Eh, it must have been a trick of the light; probably nothing to worry about.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“It appears that your doom approaches, Ms. Do,” Ahuizot said as he watched the adventurer slowly sink into a pit of quicksand. “I do hope that it is… quick!”

Anny couldn’t help but giggle, tightly gripping a life-sized plushie of the blue baddie as he watched the movie unfold on the screen. It had been a few awkward minutes of Celestia and Anny slowly easing into “doing the Do” so to speak, but when they did the night only went up from there. From talking about the complex lore of the series, to Celestia showing Anny her Daring Do vest and hat the two had spent the better part of night talking, eating pizza, and watching their movie all the while just plain having fun around each other. Anny had no idea what time it was, how much pizza he had eaten, or how many times that he and Celestia had watched this movie, but what he did know was that this next scene was really good and he would have watched it a hundred more times if he could.

“Come on Daring, you gotta get away!” he muttered, his eyes glued to the screen as Daring tried her best to wiggle out of her bindings. “You have to go save that annoying little donkey friend of your—“

“Zzzzzzz…”

Anny paused mid sentence as a loud snore filled the room.

What the heck is—

Looking around to see who the heck could be snoring at a time like this (one of the best parts of the movie was on!) he saw the princess, dressed in her little Daring vest and wearing her little Daring hat and covered in pizza sauce, was sound asleep next to him, her hat pulled over her face.

“…Princess? Are you sleeping?” Anny asked, cautiously poking the princess’s side. He only answer was a snore as Celestia leaned away from him and nuzzled the arm of the couch, a sleepy smile on her face as she muttered something about artifacts and adventure.

Anny frowned. “How could she be sleeping right now? Daring’s about to escape the Bearvarian sand pits and travel to the Temple of Gloom to get the silver shackle!” He looked over at the small clock on the wall and blinked in surprise when he noticed that it was almost four in the morning.

“…Oh, that might be why…”

The princess let out another dainty snore, scooching herself backwards so she could get a bit more comfortable on the couch. Since it was a small couch and she was a big pony, she ended up knocking Anny off and onto the hard ground below with a surprised yelp.

“Owowowowowo!” Anny hissed, crawling to his feet. “Hit my funny bone!”

Taking a moment to hop around in pain before calming down, Anny walked over and turned off the film projector, his little plushie friend still held tightly in his arms. Alright then, it looks like we had another awesome date, he thought with a smile, looking over at the snoozing princess. I should probably be getting home; Velvet must be worried sick right now…

Anny was just about to leave when he stopped and looked at the sleeping princess again. Though she looked comfortable on the couch, he didn’t think sleeping on it would be doing any wonders for the princess’s back, and, now that he was up and about, he noticed that it was a bit nippy in the room. There was no way that he could just leave Celestia cold and on the couch like she was! He needed to get to her bed on the other side of the room and tuck her in!

You know, like a gentleman would!

It took a bit of time, patience, and luck, but Anny managed to get an arm under the princess and pull her into his lap without waking her. “Come on, Princess,” he said, getting to his feet with a grunt, using a hand to steady the princesses head while the other held her firmly against him. “Let’s get you to bed.

Jeez is she freaking heavy, he thought as he struggled to carry the heavy mare toward her bed. It must have been all of that pizza. And the hat too. I bet that things weights a heck of a lot more than you’d think.

Celestia let out a sleepy whinny, rolling around in his grasp. Eyes wide and biting back a curse, Anny managed to keep her from falling out of his grip. Since she was a big pony, almost bigger than him in fact, it was a bit of a challenge to get a good grip on her. So now Anny not only had to worry about waking Celestia up but if he could get her over to her bed without just up and dropping her.

Don’tyoudaredropheryouidiot!

Stumbling as Celestia once again wiggled in his arms, Anny was forced to catch himself mid-step.

You’re almost there, YOU’RE ALMOST THERE!

The end of the room seemed like a world away but Anny soldiered on, stumbling over furniture and things littered around the floor while also keeping in mind the princess in his arms. With each step to grew closer to finishing his sacred task, the burning in his forearms and the sweat on his brow the only companions that followed him on his journey. Sometimes he almost fell over, other times he had to lean against a table and mutter to himself about how much of a weak baby we was, but in the end, like all epic struggles, our hero came upon the end.

The end of the bed, that is.

“Oh, thank god,” Anny muttered, taking a relieved step forward and gently setting the princess down. “I didn’t think—“

Faster than his eye could follow, Celestia reached up and wrapped her hooves around his neck. Before he could so much as squeak the sleeping princess had him in her bed with her hooves wrapped around him, humming a sleepy tune into his ear as she placed his head under his chin and laid a wing over him.

“…”Now the monsters… won’t get you, Cuddle bear,” she muttered, nuzzling into the top of his head while Anny had a very quiet, but very real, panic attack. “The monsters don’t come out… when Celly’s about…”

…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Anny squirmed, but an angry grumble from the princess and a tightening of her hooves made him freeze.

Igottagetoutofhere!Theprincessisgoingtobesomadifshefinds—

Anny couldn’t help but yawn as Celestia gave his head another nuzzle.

…Boy is her bed soft… he thought, unconsciously wiggling himself against the princess’s stomach.

Though he should have been freaking out right about now (and he was; like a lot) , Anny found that he was having trouble keeping his eyes open. All of the pizza and staying up really late watching the same movie over and over again, coupled with carrying the princess to her bed, must have taken a lot more out of him than he realized.

…Maybe… maybe it’d be alright if I just stayed like this until the morning? Anny thought, his eyes already closing. I’ll just explain what happened to the princess in the morning… I’m sure that we’ll both laugh about it in the morning…

As he drifted off he sleep, Anny didn’t notice one of Celestia’s eyes open as she stared down at him. And, since it was dark, he wouldn’t have been able to see the blush that was covering half of her body or the giddy smile on her face. But he did feel her wing tightening around him.

“Goodnight, my little cuddle dear,” the princess whispered, giving his head one last final nuzzle before she laid her head down on a pillow and closed her eyes. “Celly will keep the monsters away…”

Step Four (Part 1) : PANCAKES!!!
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Four (Part 1) : PANCAKES!!!

“~I hope you have a happy day, and that song shines the whole way!
I hope that you can go out and laugh and play!
Sunnysunnysunnysunnysunny dayyyyyyyyy!~”

Celestia groaned, cracking open an eye and looking around at the darkness that was her room, her mind hazy and her face scrunched right up in irritation. Though she would have loved to ignore that blasted alarm clock of hers (which had been a joke gift from her sister) and sleep the day away, somepony had to get up early to raise the sun, and that somepony was her. Unfortunately.

I hope that nopony expects me to do anything today… the groggy princess thought, blowing her mane out of her face before yawning hugely, her lack of sleep already making itself known. I swear to Faust if—

Celestia tried to rise out of her bed to pound on the snooze button of her alarm until the thing shattered into a million pieces (like she tried to do every morning) but let out a yelp of surprise as she was immediately pulled back into the bed.

THERE’S SOMEONE IN MY BED! WHO THE HAY IS IN MY BED?! IT’S A MONSTER! BY MY BEARD IT’S A MONSTER! Celestia thought, trying to wiggle away as her horn lit up the room.

Anny scrunched up in irritation as the princess shoved her lit up horn in his face, the sleeping human grumbling to himself before pushing his face back against her neck while the princess stopped the lightning spell that she was about to unleash. “It’s ten till Tuesday,” he murmured before going to back quietly breathing.

Celestia looked down at the sleeping man, her tired mind trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together as Anny nuzzled her neck.

What— why the hay is he… Ohhhh…

The second that she remembered what had happened, and the part that she had happened to play in it, the Princess of the Sun felt a blush explode across her face. Thank goodness I didn’t fire off that spell she thought, embarrassed. Why would I think that there was a monster in my room?... I’m really not the most rational pony in the morning...

Reaching up to her head, she noticed that she still had on her Daring Do hat. “It looks like I didn’t even give Anny a chance to undress me,” she muttered with a bubbly giggle, her eyes scanning the sleeping human wrapped in her legs like an oversized teddy bear.

Anny looked disheveled, bags under his eyes and his clothes wrinkled and out of place. He also appeared to be sleeping at a rather odd angle, with both arms wrapped around her while he tried to lay down flat on his back, but she couldn’t help but smile when she saw his bedhead and the smile on his face as he held her. Though he looked exhausted even though he was sleeping, and even though he reeked of sweets and pizza and just a bit of sweat, Celestia found herself nuzzling the top of his head as she wrapped her hooves around him and pulled him as close as she could.

Though their date couldn’t have gone worse she had managed to pull through and turn what looked to be a horrible night into a fantastic date, though it was in no small part Anny’s doing. The human had urged her on even though she had been ready to call it quits; he had believed in her enough and enjoyed being around her enough that he had been willing to ignore her little break down and stay in her room and watch the same movie over and over again…

“You know, my little human, you’re quite a bit smaller when the two of us are like this,” Celestia muttered, closing her eyes and sighing, her wings fluttering against the blanket happily. “Sweet Faust are you ador—“

“~I hope you have a happy day, and that song shines the whole way!—“

Celestia frowned as her alarm once again went off. “Oh horseapples, will you be quiet?” she demanded, once again attempting to get up to turn it off. She managed to get within a few inches of the thing when Anny pulled her back against him with another grumble.

“No…cookie monster,” he murmured, his grip around her neck tightening. “Don’t eat… those vegetables… you’re better than that…”

“~Sunnysunnysunnysunny daaaaaayyyyyy!”

Quietly cursing, Celestia used her wings to pull her blanket off her and Anny. If she continued to let that blasted alarm of hers beep it was going to get louder and louder until that stupid, stupid song was making the windows rattle. This was not something she particularly wanted to hear, and she wasn’t going to have Anny waking up to something like that. He was just fine being the adorable little sleeping human that he was at the moment in her professional opinion.

That left her in a bit of a pickle. She wanted to let Anny sleep for as long as he wanted but she also needed to get up and raise the sun so her little ponies didn’t start panicking.

You are a millennia old being, Celestia, the alicorn thought, nuzzling Anny’s head one more time for a bit of support as she stared at her most hated enemy, which was just a few feet away on her nightstand but may as well have been a million miles away in the position she was in, with nothing less than pure, unadulterated loathing. You can turn this blasted alarm off and get out of this bed without waking your coltfri—ANNY! without waking ANNY!”

She looked down at Anny, fearing that he had read her thoughts and was now awake and was about to tell her off for being so presumptuous. To her absolute relief all she saw was a snoozing man that deserved another nuzzle. Which she returned since somepony had to do it and she was the only other one in the room.

...Alright! Enough silliness! Time to shut this blasted thing off!

Sticking her tongue out in concentration, Celestia extended a wing over Anny and tried to turn it off that way. The alarm, it seemed, was amused by her pitiful attempts at silencing it, answering her wings pokes on its snooze button by screeching even louder.

The princess just gritted her teeth and pounded as hard as she dared (or could) with her wings, but she may as well have been trying to redirect a river with a spoon. That snooze button didn’t budge and the alarm continued to blare loudly.

Oh horsefeathers… Celestia thought, her frown furrowing as she looked down at Anny. If he would just loosen his grip just a little bit… Retracting her wing, the princess pressed Anny back against her. Well, no matter! I’m GOING to shut that infernal contraption up! She tried to think of another way to get to that blasted alarm. She couldn’t reach it with her hoof and her wing didn’t weigh enough to nor could it exert enough pressure to hit the snooze button so it appeared that more extreme measures needed to be taken…

Gritting her teeth and praying to whatever god was listening, Celestia closed her eyes and rolled Anny over . The human grunted as she forced him to roll on his side with her, Celestia’s back to the alarm. “I’m sorry, my little human,” she apologized, nuzzling his cheek.

I’ll get you now you blasted contraption! Celestia thought , a dastardly smile coming to her face. She could see it now: the alarm would be shaking in its plastic as she reached over and—

The moment the princess tried to reach behind her she realized that she had made a fatal mistake. When she had rolled her and Anny over to the edge of the bed Celestia didn’t notice how close she was to the edge. And, since her back was turned and she couldn’t look around at all with Anny clinging onto her like he was, there was no way for her to know that she was a hairsbreadth from falling out of her own bed. She was standing (or lying rather) on the edge of a knife. All she needed to do was move just a little bit and…

“Epp!” the princess cried, frantically grabbing at the air as she tumbled out of her bed and hit her floor with a hearty smack, her Daring Do hat fluttering into the air before gently landing on the bed. “Why?!”

Anny, somehow, someway, had thankfully managed to escape the same fate as Celestia, letting out a loud, irritated snore before rolling away from the edge of the bed, grabbing a pillow and cuddling it close against his chest, and curling into a little ball before he went back to his quiet, peaceful slumber.

“Horse feathers… Why the hay did that even…”

Though it felt like she might have pulled a wing and she couldn’t have been more embarrassed if there had been a crowd of ponies watching her flop about like some kind of ninny, Celestia couldn’t help but smile when she saw Anny snoozing peacefully. “Don’t you worry, my little human,” she said, magicking the blanket back over his body as she stood back up. “You and I can get back to sleeping after I finish raising my sun and—“

“~I hope you have a happy day, and that song shines the whole way!—“

Celestia felt her eye twitch. “…But first,” she murmured, walking to and standing over her alarm, “I do believe that I have something to dispose of…”

The alarm, knowing that its time had come, continued to proudly sing out the song of its people. It wasn’t going to let certain doom silence it! It was going to go on until the bitter end! It continued to sing about happiness and sunshine and rainbows as Celestia carried it out to her balcony, it still sang loud and proud as, cackling to herself, the princess levitated it over the edge. As it fell to the earth, hundreds of feet in the air, it cried one final word as it hit the mountainside below and shattered into a million pieces:

“Sunnysunnysunnysunny dayyyyyyy!”

Celestia found herself smiling as she quickly raised her sun , taking a moment to bathe in its light and warmth. And there we go, she thought with a little skip, spinning around and making her way back into her room. Now Anny and I can get back to some well-deserved cuddles! She was about halfway in her room, staring at her bed and the human snoozing in it, when she had a rather unsettling thought.

Even though she wanted to spend the rest of the day sleeping and snuggling her favorite human what if Anny didn’t feel the same way? She had tricked him into sleeping with her last night and he might not be very appreciative about what had happened when he woke up and found her giggling like some school filly when she held him.

Celestia found herself frozen in mid-step, now staring at Anny and her bed with a mixture of worry and fear.

And even if he wanted to sleep today (she knew for a fact that he didn’t have anything to do today so that wasn’t a problem) what if she was lacking in the cuddling department? Anny himself was a grade-A snuggler: he was the right size for it, he was warm, his skin felt nice against fur, he was affectionate even while sleeping, he hardly snored, and he had that patch of hair on the top of his head that was perfect for nuzzling.

But what about her? Was he giving as much comfort as she was getting? Did she have the right stuff to be a proper snuggle-buddy? Frowning, she looked down at herself as she trotted in place in something that was uncomfortably close to panic. Was she too big? Was her fur too coarse or too soft? Was she too big to hold properly? By sweet Faust above did she snore?!

Though in any other situation she would have felt silly asking herself these questions (she was obviously the biggest, fluffiest, and cuddliest princesses in all of pony land… at least in her opinion) right now, with Anny laying right there she looked at herself, assessed the situation, and found herself wanting. If she was going to get cuddles from a willing human she was going to have to even the playing field a little bit. She needed something to butter Anny up, something that would make what could be a terribly awkward situation into a relatively easy one! …But now she needed to think of what Anny would want…

Thinkofsomethingthinkofsomethingthinkofsomething!!!! Celestia thought, frantically trotting around her room, her wings spread as if she were about to fly out of the room at any moment. Howareyougoingtomakeyourselftheperfectcuddlemachine?!

She knew that she was going to need something big; fluffing out her chest tuft or taking a shower (which she probably needed by the way) wasn’t going to cut it. Whatever she got was going to need to be thoughtful, it was going to have to be something that Anny would like, it would have to be something that they could do/use/other right before they went back to bed, and it was going to hav—

Grumble!

Celestia jumped as her stomach grumbled angrily, glaring down at it. “Will you be quiet?” she demanded. “I’m trying to think of some—“

And just like that inspiration hit the princess like a ton of bricks. Why the hay didn’t she just go and get him something to eat?!

PANCAKES! I can get us some pancakes! Everypony LOVES PANCAKES! And I bet that everyhuman does too!

Walking as quickly and quietly as she could to her room, walking through it, and closing it as quietly as she could, Celestia spun around, wide-eyed, ripped off her Daring Do outfit (and by ripping off I mean VERY carefully taking off and setting aside), and raced down the hallway.

IneedtogetsomethingbeforeAnnywakesup!!!

Skidding around a corner, and very nearly decking one of her guards, she ran as fast as her hooves could take her. From the mightiest general to the lowest maid, each and every one of them an important part of the castle’s day-to-day activities, the castle’s occupants forgot their duties and schedules and assignments and whatever else they were doing as they watched their princess dodge, weave, and even jump over her little ponies, as naked as the day as she was born and sporting the worst case of bedmane that any of them had ever seen and a wild look in her eyes. Celestia herself did not see the surprised looks of her ponies, nor did she hear their startled gasps or their bodies hitting the floor after they had passed out at her display. No, she was a mare on a mission! A mission of breakfast and sleeping in and cuddles! ALL of the cuddles!

Now what should I have the cooks make: chocolate or blueberry pancakes? I prefer the chocolate but maybe Anny might like blueberry… or maybe he’d just wanted plain pancakes?!

A guard hit the ground in shock as she jumped over him, the stallion scrambling to his hooves a moment later. “You majesty, is everything alright?!”

Without looking over her shoulder she called, “PANCAKES!” before racing around another corner, leaving the poor disheveled stallion standing in the middle of the hallway, the picture of confusion.

You know what? I think I’ll just have every kind of pancake made. Anny and I will have our fill and the castle staff can eat whatever we don’t… So what should we have as side dishes? Bacon? Hash browns? Cerea—

“Sister?”

Celestia let out a pained yelp as an invisible force tugged on her tail hard, forcing her to skid to a halt right in front of her sister, who looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to tackle the day while she looked like she had just woken up from a night of sleeping in an alleyway.

“Sister,” the Princess of the Night repeated, taking a step forward, “is everything well? Thou art running through these halls as though thy pantaloons were ablaze.”

Celestia looked down the hall longingly before looking at her sister, a fake smile coming to her face. Don’t say anything about Anny sleeping in your bed with you; you’ll never hear the end of it…

Clearing her throat, Celestia batted Luna’s magic from her tail with a spell and nonchalantly said, “Oh, hello sister of mine, lovely morning isn’t it?”

The Princess of the Night nodded with a smile. “Ah yes, it is lovely,” she said. “We were wondering if--”

IneedtogoIneedtogoIneedtogo!

“--For you see the one of the nobles came up to me with a stack of parchment that stated--”

Why is she still talking?! Doesn’t she see that I have pancakes to get made! Oh mother of me; what if Anny’s already awake and hungry? Whatifhe’shungry?!

Luna’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “…Dost thou have someplace to be, Sister? Thou keep staring down the hall…”

Celestia forced herself to look back at her sister with a chuckle. “Oh well I was a bit peckish and thought that I’d get me and Anny—“ Almost faster than she thought, Celestia covered her mouth with her hooves but it was too late. She could see the gears turning in her sister’s head.

Oh horseapples! She sourly thought as her sister raised an eyebrow. Why can’t I just look my sister in the eye and lie?! Is it really that hard? Shifting side-to-side, Celestia did her best to try and backtrack. “Well, I mean, you see—“

“Thou actually still had a date with Anny even with the storm that had been raging outside?” Luna asked, a smile coming to her face. “Huzzah! Well done sister! How did it go?”

“I, um—“

“What did thee even do?”

“We had pizza and watched a—“

“Wait.” Luna narrowed her eyes. “Sister… did thou say that thee were getting something to eat for thou and Anny now? Is he still in the castle?”

Celestia let out a guffaw. “I wasn’t going to let him walk out in that storm, sister, now will you just be quiet and let me—“

“So he’s in the castle right now?” Luna once again interrupted. “Did thou let him stay in one of the guest rooms?” She looked like she was about to say more when her smile turned sly. “Or did the two of thee fall asleep in each other’s hooves as thee watched thy movie?”

Celestia’s breath caught in her throat as Luna’s smile grew wider. Howdidsheknow? HOWDIDSHEKNOW?!?!?!

“Or did thee carry him to thy bed for some cuddling?”

“…”

Luna blinked as her sister, as red-faced as can be, fiddled with her hooves, refusing to look at her.

“…Sister? Thou didn’t do something like that did thee?”

“…”

Luna let out a horrified gasp, slapping her sister on the chest with a hoof. “Sister! Cuddles on the second date?!”

“W-well, I-I was just—“

“What would mother say! Next you’ll be telling us that you’re going to get the two of thee food so thou could go back to sleep with the human after breakfast in bed!”

Both of the princesses let that hang in the air for a few seconds, Celestia looking (and feeling) more embarrassed than she had ever in her life and Luna looking like she was about to slap some sense into her.

“Sister, thou wilt answer m—“

POP!

Luna blinked in surprise as her sister disappeared in a flash before an irritated frown came to her face. “Thou art a hussy, sister mine! Doth thou hear Us? A HUSSY!”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Never in his whole life could Anny be described as a morning person. He hated mornings; he hated the way that the sun seemed to burn his eyes the second that it poked into his window, he hated the groggy, horrible feeling he got whenever he opened his eyes, he hated his morning breath, he hated the fact that he had to get up from his warm, comfortable bed to go out into the cold, cold world. But he was a big boy that had big boy things to do, which meant, though he hated getting up and getting ready every day, he had learned to force himself to get up and start his day. Though, to be fair, some days were better than others.

It appeared that this was going to be one of the bad days. His bed felt as soft and warm and comfortable as anything that he’d ever felt, his pillow may as well have been a cloud, and it felt like he had only gotten an hour’s worth of sleep.

“Arrrrrgggggghhhhh!” Anny moaned, grabbing his pillow and slamming it over his head to shield his poor eyes from the sun. “Noooo!”

Why does the sun have to rise so early? he thought, cracking open an eye before closing it an instant later. If Celestia wanted to she could—

“Wait a minute!” Anny cried, flying into a sitting position. “I’m in the princess’s…” Trailing off, he took a moment to look around.

The night before suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. He remembered going on his date with Celestia, and then there was a storm and they had to go to the castle, and the princess was sad so he had to give her a pep talk and…

Ohmygosh! I slept with the princess! Anny could feel a blush coming to his face as he remembered that part of the night.

It might have been hard to believe but the evidence was right there in front of the poor, flustered, tired human. There was the couch that he and the princess had spent the whole night cuddling on, and there were the half eaten plates of pizza and the popcorn that was all over the floor. Apparently he hadn’t been dreaming of being pulled into Celestia’s bed last night. It was something that had happened; he was here… lying in the princess’s bed… without the princess in her room… for some reason…

Though that might not have been a bad thing; he really didn’t know what the heck he would have done if he’d had woken up in the princesses hooves. Or if she was in his arms. Or if they were equally holding each other. He could barely hug the mare without getting all blushy and tongue-tied! So, though he was relieved that he was able to gather and prepare himself while Celestia did whatever she was doing, that only left one question:

Where the heck did Celestia go?

Rubbing an eye, Anny looked up at the clock on the side of the wall. It’s like five thirty in the morning, what the heck would she be doing other than sleeping… and raising the sun I guess… An embarrassed and nervous blush came to his face. Is… Is she mad about the two of us sleeping in the same bed? Is THAT why she isn’t in the same room right now?

Pawing around the bed Anny grabbed the Daring Do hat that the princess had worn the night before, a smile coming to his face as he ran his fingers along the lip.

I really hope that she’s not mad, he thought, placing the hat on the nightstand and starting to throw the covers off of himself. I was just trying to carry her to her bed and she grabbed me so it just kinda… happened… Hopping out of the bed, he patted himself down and turned toward the door.

The princess was just probably doing princess things right now, or maybe she was getting breakfast or something; there was no way in heck that she was mad at him! And even if she was he’d be able to explain the situation to her and everything would be alright. Everything. Would. Be. All right!

He knew the princess; he knew what kind of pers—er, pony she was. There was a better chance of her laughing about the whole thing and teasing him about it for the rest of the day than her getting mad at him; he knew this, but there was still that little bit of lingering doubt, no matter how silly or untrue it was. And that doubt was doing… things to him. And those things weren’t good.

Heck, I bet she’s out getting something to eat right now and she just didn’t want to wake me up, he reasoned, yawning hugely. Boy do I need to calm down… why am I always so jumpy in the mornings? Nothing bad is gonna happen. Nothing……but, if he was somehow wrong and the princess was mad, he was sure that he’d be able to climb down the castle through the balcony and run back to the Sparkle house before an angry princess came back to throw his keister in the dungeons. Before he started making a rope out of blankets, however, nature was a-calling.

“Now where was that bathroom again?” Anny muttered, walking into the middle of the room and doing some light stretches. “ This room’s so big that everything’s—“

Click!

Anny paused when he heard the room’s doorknob slowly starting to turn. His mind raced; who was that? Was it the princess? Was it one of the guards coming to throw him in a dungeon? Or was it some horrible third thing that he couldn’t even imagine right now?! He didn’t have an answer, and, like any animal that was faced with a threat (real or imagined) Anny had the choice of staying where he was and greeting whoever came through that door with a smile (aka the fight response) or he could rush back toward the bed and pretend that he was asleep and hope that whoever it was wouldn’t be able to see him if he hid under the covers (aka the flight response). And, puffing out his chest and putting his best foot forward, Anny went ahead and rushed back toward the bed as fast as his feet could take him.

No matter how brave he thought he was, Anny didn’t think bravery would mean anything if he got thrown in prison by the guards or come face-to-face with an angry Celestia. And, to be honest, Anny never really considered himself that brave of a guy. Especially in the mornings.

When he made it about a foot or so from the bed he launched himself into the air and curled into a ball. If he hurried he might have been able to throw the blankets over himself and pretend that he was asleep and no one would pull him out of the bed or start yelling at him or anything horrible like that; or so he hoped.

What actually happened was that, as soon as he hit the princess’s bed, he found himself bouncing high into the air.

“Oh shoot!” he yelped, wildly flailing as he started to fall.

Time seemed to slow as, inch by agonizing inch (the bed wasn’t nearly high enough to justify saying in feet) Anny fell to his doom. This was it in his mind, he was going to hit the soft carpet on the floor really hard and—

THUD!

Anny groaned, more in embarrassment than in pain, as he hit the ground with a very, very loud thud. He stayed there on the floor, flat on his back, just taking a moment to think about what he had just done, why he had done it, and what was going to happen when whoever was opening that door walked in and found him like this. Faced with all of these questions and pondering over them with as much time as each of them deserved (which, admittedly, wasn’t all that much) Anny uttered probably the most intelligent thing that he had said that morning:

“Boy am I dumb.”

To add insult to injury for the human, who already felt silly, the door that had been slowly opening decided now was a good time to up and explode.

BOOM!

~_~_~_~_~_~_

“Please, let me help you with the door, your Majesty.”

Celestia smiled at one of her guards as she pulled a food cart along with her magic. “Thank you very much my little pony,” she said as he trotted in front of her and reached for the doorknob. “I would appreciate a helping hoof.”

Truth be told, she really didn’t need his help (a simple spell would have opened that door just as easily) but it was always nice when one of her little ponies were nice enough to try to help her, or anypony else for that matter, for any reason.

The guard couldn’t help but eye the princesses food cart. “Are you expecting company, your Highness?” he asked politely.

Celestia looked at the trolley with a grin. the thing was stuffed with as much food as she could put on it and then some. “Oh, I was just trying my hoof at cooking and got a little carried away from myself,” she told him. “I asked the chefs if they’d be kind enough to show me how to cook and I have to eat the result.”

Sure, she fibbed a little at the end but she figured it was better than telling him that telling him that she had a human in her room sleeping in her bed. She couldn’t bare the thought of that becoming the latest castle gossip.

The guard smiled back at her. “Well, I’m sure everything you made is wonderful, your Highness.”

Celestia’s smile diminished somewhat. “Oh I do hope so…”

After she had asked them how to make pancakes (she thought that it’d be more…romantic if she cooked her’s and Anny’s breakfasts herself) half of the kitchen staff had offered to help her out measuring the ingredients, making the pancakes the perfect width and thickness, and even cutting up and preparing other parts of the breakfast while she “slaved” over her “masterpieces”. Even with their help it had taken three or four tries to make pancakes that weren’t too burnt or watery or on fire... but Celestia honestly enjoyed her two hours as a “chef”.

She may have burned herself once or twice and she might have been a bit tired from mixing all of that pancake batter (a lot of pancake batter) but she couldn’t help but feel satisfied with the end results. There was just something about sitting down and making your own food that she really enjoyed. It was satisfying “dirtying” her own hooves and watching as those pancakes came into being with each careful stir and each flip, and it felt even better when she was making this food for someone that she lo—cared about, someone that she CARED about! REALLY REEEEEALLY cared about! Not that L word!...

I wonder if Anny would like to go on a date where we learn how to cook something, Celestia thought, her small smile coming back to her face as the guardspony started to open her bedroom door. Maybe I could ask one of the chef’s to show the two of us how to bake a cake for our next dat—

THUD!

Celestia, and her guard for that matter, jumped in surprise as a loud banging sound came from inside her bedroom.

While more rational minds might have just thought that something had fallen or maybe Anny tripped or something normal or nonthreatening like that the guard, being, well, a guard, assumed the very worst after mulling things over for about a fifth of a second. It sounded like something, or someone, heavy had fallen onto the floor. That meant someone was in the room. The princess’s room. Which was not a place ponies were supposed to be unless the princess allowed it. And since he nor any of the other guards knew of anypony staying in the princess’s room he assumed it was a hostile intruder.
So, doing what any guard in his position would do (well… what any zealous guard would do) , the stallion took two steps backwards, spun around, and bucked the door as hard as he could.

“STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!”

The door flew off its hinges and a yelp could be heard as the guard spun right around and raced through the doorway.

Celestia, shocked and more than a little nervous about what was happening in front of her, ran after him. “Anny?” she cried, looking all around her room hoping, no praying, that he was alright. “ANNY?!” When she found him lying on the floor with a terrified expression on his face she sprinted over, picked him up, and pulled him into a hug. “Are you alright?!”

“Why the heck did that guard just kick down your door, Celestia?” Anny asked while the princess wrapped her wings around him and started to rub his cheek with her own. “Is something going on?”

The guard pony, who had been scanning the room for assassins/robbers/monsters, began to stare at Anny in confusion. “We heard someone hitting the floor, sir and I decided to investigate.”

“So you kicked the princess’s door down?”

Celestia’s grip around Anny tightened. “Never mind any of that, Anny. Are you okay? Did something happen? Are you hurt?”

Anny was about to open his mouth but then closed it. Since it occurred to him that maybe telling the princess that he had superman dived onto her bed so that he could pretend that he was asleep and he had fallen out of the bed because it was too springy would be so horribly embarrassing explanation that he probably wouldn’t live it down (especially if the guard over there decided to tell his friends) maybe a little white lie was in order.

“Well, um, I just kind of fell out of that bed was all,” he said, his face reddening as he looked down at the floor.

Celestia and the guard looked at each other before looking back at him. “You just fell off the bed?” the guard asked. “Why were you in the princess’s bed? She didn’t say…” You could almost see the gears turning in the guards head as he realized what he had just done. “Oh horseapples…”

Celestia couldn’t help but smile out of relief. Thank goodness that it was just something silly, she thought, taking a deep breath in an attempt to slow her pounding heart. I was worried for a second that somepony was in here hurting my little human…

Almost without meaning to, Celestia once again nuzzled Anny’s cheek as she looked over at her guard, who looked like he was about to jump out of the window in embarrassment/horror. “My little pony, there is nothing to worry about,” she said in her most motherly and caring voice.

The guard looked up at her wide-eyes before saluting. “I apologize for kicking down your door without provocation, your majesty!” Though she could see him shaking, he puffed his chest out as far as it could go. “I will gladly accept any punishment that you wish upon me, Princess!”

Celestia shook her head. “No, my loyal guardspony; there is no reason for me to in any way punish you for your actions.”

The guard blinked. “But your—“

“You thought that something was happening in my bedroom and decided to investigate with my safety in mind. You were only doing your job, my little pony, and I will not fault you for kicking down my door.” She chuckled before looking down at Anny. “If you hadn’t been so quick on the draw there I might have overreacted and I promise you there would have beena lot more to clean up than a door that can be put back together with a single spell.”

The guard opened his mouth but then immediately closed it. Who in the hay was he to argue with a princess? If she was okay with him knocking her door down, and even thanking him for it, he should just nod his head and shut his mouth before the princess changed her mind and sent him to the dungeons.

Blinking, a frown came to his face. NO! He wasn’t going to be a coward and take the easy way out! He was one of the elite Solar Guard! And he had made a mistake and panicked like some greenhorn recruit! He could have seriously hurt someone kicking that door down like he did!

“I still want to say I’m sorry about what happened, my lady,” he said stubbornly, looking down at the floor.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Are you truly not going to just let me thank you?”

“I deserve a punishment, my Princess.”

Anny was about to open his mouth to say something when Celestia quietly shushed him by pressing a feather to his lips.

Still sitting on her bed holding her human like an oversized teddy bear, Princess Celestia, the Princess of the Sun, Sol Invictus, looked down at the little guard with the stone-cold face of an almighty monarch.

“Then you will receive a punishment, guards pony,” she said, her voice booming off the walls. “Tell me your name!”

The guard, with his gaze firmly glued to the floor, stuttered, “HopS-Scotch your H-Highness.”

Anny snorted, earning him a light slap on the side of the head with a wing.
“Well then, Private Hopscotch, I Princess Celestia: Lady of the Sun and Princess of Equestria find you guilty of kicking down my door and nearly giving me and Antaeus the human, one of my most beloved companions a heart attack.” Celestia couldn’t help but blush slightly as she said that but soldiered on. “For your crimes—“

The guard’s knees wobbled and he shook so hard that he was rattling in his armor.

“—I have determined—“

His life flashed before his eyes. His first word, his first kiss, this first day at boot camp, the first time that he had drank too much cider and got sick and spent the whole night throwing up in his father’s bowling ball case. Oddly enough he remembered that last memory with the most fondness.

“—That your punishment will be—“

Please don’t send me to the moon, the guard prayed. Pleasedon’tsentmetothmoon!

“—To be promoted from the rank of Private to the rank of Sergeant within the ranks of the Solar Guard!”

The guard slowly stopped his shaking to look up at her in confusion and disbelief. “…Excuse me your Majesty?”

Celestia just looked back at him with a smile on her face, trying her hardest not to start laughing when she saw his expression. “I now name you Sergeant HopScotch of the Solar Guard, my little pony,” she said, clapping her hooves together. “And may you receive many promotions hereafter!”

“But your Highness!—“

Celestia’s smile instantly turned into a frown. “No buts, my little pony,” she interrupted, pointing the tip of her wing at him threateningly. “I have spoken!” Her brow furrowed. “Unless you want me to promote you again, hmm?...”

While the thought of receiving a promotion, and all of its benefits, right now the thought of becoming a Sergeant second class, or heaven forbid, a staff Sergeant, was oddly more terrifying than getting an actual punishment.

The guard, confused and slightly scared, finally shut his mouth, clapped his hooves together, and saluted. “Ma’am, no ma’am!”

Celestia eyed him for a few seconds before nodding. “Very well then. Could you be a dear and bring in that food cart outside before returning to the barracks please?”

Not trusting his voice, the guard just saluted again, walked out, pulled the food cart into the room and placed it in front of Anny and Celestia, and saluted again before scurrying out of the room as fast as his hooves could take him.

Anny, who had been watching everything happen before as confused and comfortable as anyone could be, looked up at the princess. “Celestia?”

Now giggling quietly to herself, Celestia magicked the coverings off the cart and eyed the plates of breakfast goodies that she had made herself. “Did you need something my little human?” she asked, licking her lips.

“Why did you just promote that guard for no reason?”

Though Anny couldn’t see it, Celestia grinned. “Oh, there’s a reason, my little human,” she said, piling food onto two plates and levitating them over with magic. “And a good one at that, but why don’t we go ahead and eat before starting our day and asking silly questions?”

Anny nodded, and tried to pull himself out of the princess’s grasp, but was pulled right back against her chest, her hooves wrapping themselves tightly around them.

Celestia, a blush coming to her face as she looked straight ahead, nuzzled the top of his head once again. “Anny, I’d like to thank you for another wonderful date,” she quietly said . “Even though it didn’t start out like I had envisioned it, thank you for sticking with me the whole night.”

Anny found himself grabbing the princess’s hoof and giving it a squeeze. “No, thank you, Celestia,” he said, turning around and looking at her. “I reall—“

Anny froze as the princess snaked down, puckered her lips, and planted a kiss right on his cheek. As he sat there, brain overloading and as still as a statue, Celestia, now so red that she could have started a fire with a soaking wet log, tightened her wing’s grip around him.

“T-Thank you for the date,” she said, trying and failing to speak without a stutter as she gave Anny his food and grabbed her own. “A-And here’s to many, many m-more! H-How about it, my little human?”

“…rgojeofneo.”

With a happy little giggle, Celestia placed her head back on top of his and closed her eyes. “I think that I’ll take that as a y-yes.”

Step [REDACTED]
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step [REDACTED]

“Alright, your Majesty, just hold still and I’ll get this cast off of you in a jiffy!”

Blueblood only sighed, closing his eyes and looking up at the ceiling with a big old smile on his face. After almost a month of doing nothing but laying around,reading, and being bothered by the castle’s nursing staff he was about to get this awful cast off of his leg. Soon he’d be up and about again doing as he wished. He’d be able to eat whatever he wanted, he’d be able to skip and hop and dance if the thought struck his fancy, he’d be able to bathe himself, and he wouldn’t be stuck in some bed all day.

Will you hurry up? The prince thought in irritation, (saying it out loud wouldn’t go so well for him he was sure) resisting the urge to wiggle around. I can’t wait for this horrid thing to be off! Though he was as impatient as could be he forced himself to stay still as the nurse levitated a small saw over and started to saw away at the cast.

“That’s right, your Highness, just stay still,” the nurse cooed in a babying tone that made Blueblood roll his eyes. “I want to make sure not to accidently cut anything else off along with the cast.”

…Why do the nurses here have such appalling humor? Blue thought while the nurse giggled at her own “joke”, the mare humming a happy little tune while he held himself as still as possible. I swear my aunt sends me these kind of ponies just for the headache…

And speaking of his Auntie Celestia, that was going to be the first pony that he was going to see; her, and by extension, Anny.

From what he had heard about their… odd second date the two had found that they shared a rather embarrassing (or at least what he thought was embarrassing) hobby and now, over these past few days, had been having a ball with it. Twice the two had come into his room to read a Daring Do book to him (they had ignored him when he had demanded that they leave and stop treating him like a foal), and he had heard from the castle staff that the two were up at all hours of the day running around with their little outfits and shouting out book quotes whenever they thought nopony was around to hear or see them. And sweet Faust upon her golden throne did Blueblood wish nopony had seen or heard as something as silly and childish as that!

“You just need to stop being such a grumpyhooves, Blueblood,” Cadence had told him when he had complained about it during one of her visits. “If the two want to run around with their hats and vests then they can. They’re adults and they shouldn’t have to worry about what other ponies think about their hobbies.”

When Blueblood had pointed out that while that was all and good for the average pony but not for a mare that had ruled a country for almost fifteen hundred years, Cadence had, with a big happy smile on her face, told him that it was cute and for him to shut his mouth about it. “You let me have this, Blueblood. Let. Me. Have. This.”

So Blueblood had kept his mouth shut while Cadence had not so subtly told the castle staff (the guard included) that they’d be scrubbing the castle floors for the next year if either Celestia or Anny ever found out that somepony had seen them running around acting like children, and to be honest…

Seeing his aunt like this was starting to grow on him.

Not seeing her with some dumb hat or vest on her with a whip in her mouth, heavens no! He enjoyed seeing his aunt happy; so happy that she’d hum tunes to herself or do a little dance whenever she walked or just laugh for laughter’s sake. She seemed to glow and brighten up wherever she went, she’d joke and laugh and even help the maids or servants on occasion (which was why Cadence’s orders with the staff were still being followed, Blueblood guessed).

His aunt, a mare that had known him and raised him all of his life, was starting to act like a normal, average pony, and he suspected that meant more to her than anything else in the whole wide world. And it was all thanks to Anny, a weird hairless ape alien thing that had refused to take no for an answer.

Though I hope the two of them don’t continue to run around in those silly costumes, Blueblood thought, chuckling to himself. I hope that Anny wouldn’t say no to THAT request…

“Alright… just a little bit more annnnnnd…”

Blueblood let out a content sigh as the nurse cut the last bit of his cast off and pulled it from his leg.

“Woo, that always takes more out of this old mare every time I do it,” the nurse mused, wiping a bit of sweat from her brow. “There you go, your Highness; now if you could please move your leg around and tell me if you’re feeling any discomfort.”

Women, this leg could be about ready to fall off and I wouldn’t tell you about it, Blueblood thought, doing as the nurse asked and slowly moving around his back leg. I’d rather see the darkest pits of Tartarus than deal with that cast any longer.

Thankfully for him there wasn’t any discomfort or tightness or anything worrisome or uncomfortable like that so, after poking at him for a minute or two and making a few jokes that he didn’t appreciate, Blueblood was finally allowed to get up and walk around.

“Just do a few laps around the room while I go and get the doctor to look at you one last time, your Majesty,” the nurse said, walking toward the door. “Even though I’m sure you’re as right as rain he might want you here a little longer for some therapy to help bring that leg of yours back to full strength.”

Blueblood didn’t even bother to answer her as he trotted back and forth the room with a huge smile on his face. “Wonderful, wonderful,” he sang, looking down at his leg before rearing up. “No more beds, no more horrid food; just me and my four perfectly working appendages!” Almost without meaning to Blueblood started to high-step around the room, then hop around, and then skip.

“My, my somepony’s happy to be up and about, no?”

With a girlish shriek Blue jumped a foot into the air and landing onto the ground in a heap. When the mystery voice giggled out in amusement he scrambled to his hooves with a growl. “Who dares—“

Fleur smiled the second that he looked over at her, her smile widening when his jaw dropped. “Hello, Bleu, it has been a long while has it not?”

Blueblood looked upon his old, old friend in disbelief, and had to resist the urge to rub his eyes. There was no way that Fleur could be standing in front of him in the middle of the castle. He barely knew where he was right now, and with all of the nurses and castle staff and guards all running around, and each and every one of them knew what the supermodel looked like either by warning from the guard or a magazine or they had seen her running around with him…

“…Fleur?” the prince said cautiously, taking a nervous step forward. The mare looked just as perfect as he remembered, her eyes clear and her coat shiny and her mane fabulous. His heart raced just looking at her. “Fleur? Is that you?”

Blueblood took a step forward, then another, then another, and then another, until he was finally within hoof’s reach of her. There were tears in his eyes as one of his hooves reached up to touch her. “You’re a-alright?”

Still smiling, Fleur reached down, grabbing his hoof and bringing it up to her face. “Of course I am, Bleu,” she cooed, looking over him.

The smile that was forming on Blueblood’s face disappeared as he looked up and carefully looked his friend over. Now that he had a good look at her she wasn’t the perfect, healthy mare that he remembered. Her eyes were bloodshot and there were bags upon bags under her eyes, she looked… thinner and…

“Is there something wrong, Bleu?” Fleur asked as he took a step away from her.

…She doesn’t even sound like the Fleur that I know… the princes thought, eyeing the door behind his friend.

“…Fleur? Though it’s wonderful to see that you’re… alright, could you please explain to me how you got in here?”

Fleur giggled, taking a step toward him. “Well, I heard that my dear, dear friend was getting his cast off today and I decided to pull some strings so that I could come up to the castle to see you.” She swayed side-to-side as if she was having trouble keeping her hooves. “My dear Jeeves said that he had some business up at the castle anyway so it would be perfect!”

Blueblood found himself walking backwards until he hit the wall. Where is that blasted nurse at? He thought, trying to look calm and collected even though it was dangerously close to losing it. “And just what business does your butler have up at the castle and why is it perfect?”

A flash of green passed across Fleur’s eyes and she twitched again. “I’m going to finally succeed, Bleu,” she told him, walking up to him so close that their noses were almost touching. “Even though there have been a few… drawbacks with Anny and I, I have the perfect plan to crush Celestia and make him love me!”

As he looked upon his haggard and weary friend, Blueblood couldn’t help but feel a pang of pity; pity that overcame his suspicion and fear and made him reach up and cup Fleur’s face.

“Fleur, please,” he begged, tears coming back to his face. “Please, whatever you did, whatever you’re doing, whatever is happening please, no more!” He pressed her head downward so he could look at her properly. “Let Anny and Celestia be; the two of them are happy together. We couldn’t stop that happiness no matter what we tried and I sincerely doubt whatever you have planned will make that any different.”

In an instant Fleur’s kind and happy face twisted into an angry sneer. “Nonsense, Bleu!” she said, drawing away from him and standing tall. “You and I may have not been able to break them apart, and even with that storm they are still together, but I WILL. BREAK. THEM!”

Blueblood couldn’t help but let out a gasp. “Wait, you were the cause of that—“

“Celestia doesn’t deserve a colt like Anny! She doesn’t deserve to take somepony’s happiness and live happily ever after with it!” Fleur looked wildly around the room, almost foaming at the mouth as she crouched low to the ground almost as if she was ready to pounce. “It doesn’t matter if I have to tear the very heavens out from under them I will break the two of them up and—“
Sensing that she was getting a little too carried away with herself Fleur cleared her throat and stood back up to her full height. “I have heard that the two of them will be having a third date in a few days,” she said, her voice as chipper and happy as before, though it sounded far more fake to him now. “With the help of my butler and a few of his friends we’re going to make quite a mess of things and—“

The second that Fleur turned her attention away from him Blueblood acted. Though he was, in fact, a little stiff from his cast he had no problem whatsoever as he charged around Fleur and toward the door.

There was something wrong with his friend, he could see that as plain as day, and whoever this “Jeeves” was (because it sure as hay wasn’t the butler that he knew) they had something nasty planned. If Fleur could get in here without a problem then others could be walking around the castle just as easily and do whatever evil they planned to do. If he could get out of this room and to one of his aunts or maybe a guard then they could secure Fleur and check the castle. They’d fix Fleur, beat up the baddies, Fleur would see what she was doing was wrong and she’d apologize to Celestia, and everything would be alright. Everything WOULD be alright!

Fleur let out a surprised gasp at his sudden burst of speed, her head whipping around to watch him race toward the door, throw it open, and run right into somepony’s chest. He didn’t hit them with his horn (thank the gods), and he was about to apologize for running into them (more out of reflex than anything) when he stopped.

Blueblood might not have been the biggest stallion in the whole world but he wasn’t small either, and he had been running like the devil was on his tail. He should have at least moved this pony, if not just straight up bowled them over. Whoever he had ran into must have been one heavy, or, strong, individual. And that wasn’t all.

Whoever he had run into felt… different than a normal pony. They didn’t seem to have any fur on this chest at all. It was more leathery and hard, almost insect-lik—

Queen Chrysalis looked down at the prince with a teasing, predator-like smile. “Oh, it looks like somepony’s made a speedy recovery,” she mused.

Blueblood paled, scrambling back into the room as the Changeling queen strode in like she owned the place. “Y-You’re… Y-You’re.”

The Queen’s smile just widened as a beaming Fleur trotted over to her.

“Oh, hello, Butler,” the supermodel said. “Did you all finish your business at the castle?”

Not breaking eye contact with Blueblood, Chrysalis, reached over and ran her hoof down Fleur’s cheek. “Everything’s prepared to ruin the date, my lady,” she said, her voice fitting the butler that Blueblood had known for years. “Just as you asked.”

Fleur nodded before looking at the prince with a concerned frown. “Good… good… Bleu? Is there something wrong?”

“I’m sure that he is just exhausted, my lady,” Chrysalis said, as quick as a whip. “Getting that cast of his off and seeing that you are alive and well must have been a bit too much for the poor dear.”

Blueblood tried to open his mouth to speak but then the Changeling ran her long tongue along one of her razor sharp fangs, shutting him right up.
Fleur seemed to mull that over for a few seconds. “Are you sure? Maybe—“

Rolling her eyes, the queen’s horn sparked to life, a cloud of green magic floating over Fleur’s head. The supermodel blinked, her eyes turning green, before she smiled once again.

“—I’m… I’m sure that you are right, Jeeves,” Fleur said dreamily.

“You yourself seem tired, my lady.” Chrysalis flicked her head to the door. “Why don’t you go outside and let one of my workers take you back to your condo for some rest?”

Fleur nodded, making her way toward the door. “Of course, Jeeves… you’re right, I need some sleep…” Stopping mid step, Fleur looked back at Blueblood one last time and smiled. “Goodbye, Bleu. I hope to see you at my victory feast when I have Anny in my hooves!”

Blueblood and Chrysalis watched as the supermodel leftave the room and closed the door behind her, leaving the two of them alone together.

With that amused smile still on her face, the queen once again turned to look at him. “Most stallions would have tried to yell or fight or run by now,” she said, in the same tone one might have when talking about the weather. “It is a shame that you didn’t; I would have enjoyed—“

Chrysalis stopped mid-sentence when she saw the look that the prince was giving her. Being a creature that ate emotions she had tasted everything from love to fear to joy to hate but the sheer wave of rage that came off of the princes almost made her take a step back in shock.

Blueblood took a step forward, his chest puffed out and his horn glowing brightly. Gone was the cowering prince that had been ready to dive under the bed. These… these things were doing something to Fleur’s mind, and they were going to try to hurt Celestia or something even worse! Though he wasn’t much of a fighter (not a fighter at all now that he thought about it) he could at least try to do something. Maybe he might make enough noise to alert somepony, maybe he might be able to escape; heck, he might even be able to fight her now that he was angry enough.

“What. Did. You. Do. To. He—“

The prince yelped as the queen picked him up with her magic, turned him on his side, and laid him down. He tried to struggle, kicking his legs and wiggling around wildly while also trying to fire off a spell, but it was almost like he was glued to the ground.

“Oh horse apples… let me go you ruffian!”
With a chuckle Chrysalis slowly walked toward him and leaned down. “And now why would I do that my tasty little morsel?” she cooed.

Blueblood thrashed around until his chest was heaving and his limbs burned and sweat was pooled all around him before finally giving up and just lieying there, and trying to catch his breath while the queen inspected a hoof.

“Are you quite finished?” She asked while Blueblood glared up at her with all of the hatred in his furry little body.

“What… are you… going to… do?” he demanded between breaths.

The door was once again, revealing...

“What I’m going to do is no concern of yours, my little snack,” Chrysalis said as a grinning “Blueblood”, his eyes flashing green and a sneer on his face, entered the room. “But what you should be concerned with is Going. To. Sleep…”

Step Five: Get that Kiss!
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Five: Get that Kiss!

“You really think she’d like these yellow roses?”

“Oh I’m sure that your date will love them! They’re pretty, they taste great, and they smell divine! In fact they’re so great that I should probably charge more than I do for them! Why just the other day I was—”

Anny couldn’t help but smile in amusement as he listened to the flower pony try her very hardest to ham up her wares. It might have been adorable to see the little mare in front of him waving her hooves around like a crazy person and darn near screaming at him at the top of her lungs, but she might have been hamming up her flowers a bit past the point of sensibility. Theses roses weren’t that cheap as she kept insisting they were; in fact Anny had a pretty good case to argue that she might have been charging just a little too much for them. They were, after all, just a bunch of plants that just so happened to look pretty.

But what did he know? He couldn’t eat flowers without immediately spitting them right back out or getting sick. And he could admit with no shame that he didn’t really have an eye for “pretty things”; the Princess he was dating excluded. For all he knew the yellow roses in front of him were the greatest looking and best tasting things in the world. Probably not but Anny always liked to give people, or in this case ponies, the benefit of the doubt. But all that didn’t even matter-- not the hamming up not the highish price not any of that-- because both Anny and the florist pony knew that he was going to buy a dozen of these flowers.

He was going to bite the bullet and buy these slightly too expensive for his taste flowers because today was a very, very important day. It was a day that may very well decide his and Princess Celestia’s relationship with each other. And not the public one or the one that they had as friends, this was the kissy-datey-I like-like-you relationship that he had been doing his very best to make sure that grew and hopefully bloomed into something beautiful and long-lasting.

After months and months of wooing the Princess of the Sun and weeks and weeks of them going on their dates and becoming closer and closer together Anny was finally taking the princess on their third date; otherwise known as the date you should probably, maybe, sorta-kinda-definitely ask her out. And, after one or two sleepless nights and a bit of soul searching, Anny decided that he cared enough about the wonderful, loving, and caring mare that was Princess Celestia and he thought he knew enough about her to guess that it would, in fact, be a good idea to try to ask her out-out. But sweet mother Teresa on the hood of a Mercedes Benz was he nervous about it. A third date, after all, could be considered one of the most nerve-wracking. But Anny knew, even though his stomach was doing flips because of the pre-date jitters, that nothing would go wrong with this date.

The two of them weren’t going out to some fancy restaurant (hopefully), nor were they so nervous around each other that they were jumpy and jittery and second guessing themselves about every single thing they did. Both the human and the princess had experienced some of the most… unique dates imaginable, they had had their ups and downs; their good moments and their bad ones , and they had come out on top and better off for it. Heck, they may as well have been dating already with how much they were around each other; holding hands/hooves, talking and laughing, cuddling up to and hugging each other, all of that mushy, lovey-dovey stuff!

But… Anny still wanted to make it official. He wanted to look the Princess in the eyes, hold her hoof and say that he lo--liked her a lot and that he’d be honored if she’d be his special somepony. And he may have also wanted to get his first kiss from the mare on this particular date. Not that he had been eagerly awaiting such a thing, nor did he practice kissy faces in front of a mirror! Nope. No sir!

That would be weird!

Giving his head a shake, Anny focused his attention back on the florist. “Alright, I’m sure they’re great and all, and you did help me out with buying flowers the last time.” The mare’s chest puffed out and she grinned. “So how about I give you… fifteen bits for a dozen and we can call it square.”

The mare’s smile slowly vanished from her face and was replaced with a frown. “Sir, I know you’re trying to get a deal but I have mouths to feed and a mortgage to pay!” She poked his shin with a hoof. “I can’t go lower than twenty-eight bits!”

Anny crossed his arms. “I’ll go eighteen.”

“Twenty-five.”

“Twenty.”

“Twenty-three”

Anny found himself frowning, plucking a flower out of its protective case and carefully inspecting it. “These flowers are too small and I don’t think they’re fragrant enough for twenty-three bits. You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to rip me off.”

The florist gasped, stomping her hoof, her lips then drawing back into a snarl. “These are the best tasting, juiciest, best smelling flowers in the city, buster brown! I’m practically giving you them for twenty-three!”

The two glared at each other for a long moment, daring the other to blink.

“…Alright. How about we meet each other halfway and say the price is twenty-one?”

The florist looked him up and down. “Say it’s twenty-one and a half and I’ll call us even,” she answered with another stomp of her hoof. Though there was a good chance she was trying her hardest to look intimidating, all Anny saw was a three foot tall light blue mare stomping around on her hoofsies with her nose scrunched up. And that was adorable. Adorable enough for him to take her deal.

Anny looked away from the mare, stroking his chin and adopting a thoughtful expression. “…Alright,” he said, offering the florist a hand. “You got yourself a deal.”

The mare’s agitated, almost angry, expression vanished almost instantly, and once again she was the happy, smiling pony that she had been a few minutes ago. “Great! I’ll get you all set up then!”

Anny couldn’t help but grin as the mare trotted away with a little skip. And Twilight said that I was awful at haggling, he thought smugly. Hah, I got these suckers down like six bits!

“Do you want your bouquet all wrapped up or are you taking it to go, Sir?”

Anny shrugged, pulling out his bag of bits. “I’ll take it to go if you don’t mind,” he said. “I don’t have that far to go.”

After counting out his bits, the mare once again smiled up at him. “Thank you for your business! I’m sure that your date will love these roses!”

Anny smiled, grabbing the roses from the mare. “Well, I hope you’re right… Well, you have a lovely evening.”

“You have a wonderful one as well!” she answered with a wave.

The florist watched as Anny left her store, waving until the door closed behind him. “Ha!” she cackled, tossing a bit into the air and catching it. “I can’t believe that I managed to get him to buy ten bit a dozen roses for twice the price! Thank Celestia for ponies that can’t haggle their way out of a paper bag!”

~_~_\_~\__~_~_

In another part of Canterlot, both Shining Armor and Princess Cadance were making their way through the city streets, the royal couple on a mission as it were. The last “mission” that they’d probably have in Canterlot.

Even though the two of them had been having a lovely time here at the castle with their loved ones the royal couple’s vacation was nearing an end. It might have been fun for the two of them to play matchmaker with Anny and Celestia, and seeing aunt Luna and the Sparkles was wonderful like always, but the Empire needed its rulers, and Cadence was starting to get letters from her advisors about the happenings and the problems that were going on in her little kingdom. Problems and happenings that needed to be addressed by her and her alone. And since it seemed that Anny and Celesta were getting along just fine, Cadence didn’t see the need for staying any longer than they already had.

But that didn’t mean they couldn’t enjoy their last few days of vacation! No, they were going to enjoy their last few days here to their fullest; which, for Cadance, meant going to every single shop in the city to play with do-dads, trying on and maybe buying dresses, and just generally running around and having a good time.

And that was what they were doing; Cadance trotting merrily ahead while Shining, who had a mountain of baggage on his back, lugged behind her trying his very best to look like he was having as good of a time as she was.

“So where do you want to go next, Shiny?” the pink princess asked with a happy little skip. “We could go to Laffy Taffy’s Workshop or maybe Prim and Proper’s Wondrous Wardrobes or—“

“Just keep moving you hooves, old boy,” Shining muttered as he listened to his back and knees protest with each step he took. “It’ll be all over soon. It’ll be all over soon. Your knees can take it and your back… well, uh…”

“Do you need some help there Sir?”

Shining, sweat dripping from his muzzle his every muscle in his body screaming, looked up to see two guards looking back at him blankly. The ex-captain’s eyes grew wide and his spirit soared. These guards had offered to help him! The prince sniffled at the selfless action, his back and knees already thanking him, and he was about to thank them, but then he stopped. Something seemed… off about these guards. Their expressions seemed too robotic, too stiff.

It might have just been a gut feeling, but Shining couldn’t help but look the two over carefully. “Well… I’d really appreciate it, guys, but... aren’t the two of you still on guard duty?” He nudged his head at their armor. “The two of you are still in uniform.”

The guards looked at each other, and one looked like he was about to say something, when Cadance popped beside them with a smile.

“Shining what’s taking you—“ She stopped when she saw the two guards. “Oh, hello gentlecolts,” she said politely. “Is something the matter?”

Other than bowing slightly the guard’s may as well have been made out of stone. “We were just wondering if the Prince needed any help carrying all of those bags,” one said.

“We do not want him to injure himself and we’d be more than happy to help,” the other added.

Cadance smiled sheepishly as she looked up at the stacks of bags heaped on her husband’s back. “…Oh, I didn’t realize that I had gone that overboard…”

Before Cadance could say anymore one of the guards started pulling bags from Shining’s back and putting it on his own. “We assure you that it’s no problem, your highnesses.”

Following his comrade’s led, the other guard started removing some bags as well. “And if you’d like we’d be more than happy to lead you around town to some of the more out of the way shops. The two of us have been living here long enough to know the places that most ponies had never heard about.”

Cadance looked at the two uncertainly before a little smile came back to her face. “Well… I’d appreciate if you helped my husband at least…”

Shining just continued to look at the two stallions as they lightened his load, warning signs blaring in his head, with a small frown on his face.There isn’t something right with these two…

The unicorn had been in the guard since he had graduated magic school at the age of fifteen. He knew how a guardpony usually acted, how they conducted themselves around their fellow, or in this case ex-fellow, guards, and how they spoke. And these “guards” didn’t fit any of the criteria.

His wife seemed to think so too, looking at him for a long moment before eyeballing the stallions discreetly.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen them at the castle before either, Shining thought as Cadance started to lead them through the streets at a leisurely pace. And I know everypony in the Day and Night guard…

He could have been wrong, these two stallions might have just gotten out of boot camp and were still nervous around royalty, and that was why they were acting so stiff and odd… But, for some reason, Shining felt that that wasn’t the case.

“How about we go down this street, Shiny?” Cadance asked, stopping at a crossroads and pointing down one of the streets. “There’s an ice cream place that I’ve wanted to try since it opened!”

Shining looked up at the street name before smiling back at his wife. “Ice cream sounds great, honey,” he said, nudging both of the guards in front of him. “We can buy these two some ice cream as a thank you for volunteering to be our pack mules.Then the four of us can go back to the castle to put all of this away.”

The guards seemed to brighten up slightly at that, what could have been a smile coming to both of their faces. Cadence, once again looking back at Shining, started to lead the little group down the street.

While getting ice cream might have seemed like something that would end this hard day of shopping on a high note there were a couple of problems with that. There wasn’t an ice cream shop down this street was one major one, a fact that both of the guards should have known if they had lived here all of their lives. Another was that all guards in uniform were forbidden from eating or drinking in public, a rule that Shining had had pounded into his head when he was going through training and a rule that was beaten into every guard for the last few hundred years.

But the street did have something going for it. It was as bare as could be; not a single mare or stallion was in sight. This made it perfect for anypony that would just so happened to be suspicious of a pair of mystery stallions that had popped out of nowhere. Since there was no one else around to get in the way or may a scene one would be able to have a… aggressive discussion with said ponies about how in the hay they got their hooves on guard property and why they were harassing the royal couple.

If the two “guards” had bothered to pay attention they would have seen Shining quietly teleporting the bags on his back away to places unknown. They would have also noticed Cadance slowing her already leisurely pace to a near crawl, her horn glowing ever so slightly with an offensive spell. But since these two obviously weren’t guards they didn’t notice that they were being lead to their doom by the pink princess.

“Come on,” the Princess of Love said, suddenly turning into an alley. “This way is a shortcut to the castle.” She turned back to smile at her little group but the smile seemed less joyful and more predatory. “We need to get back to the castle soon for… reasons…”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

While the city of Canterlot, and most of the country itself, was running around working and frolicking and everything else little marshmallow ponies did with their time there was one pony in particular that found herself sleeping this beautiful, sunny day away. The mare was none other than the co-ruler of Equestria: Princess Luna.

It had been a long couple of days for the Princess of the Night. She had had to entertain a pair of diplomats that had come all the way from the Gryphon Empire, she had had to deal with some squabbles that had broken out among the nobles, and she had spent the last few nights setting up a brand new constellation in her sky. And, while the Princess was not a mare that usually needed all that much sleep to get her through the day, even she was starting to feel the lack of sleep over these past few days.

So, deciding to do the right thing so that she could be in tip-top shape and in the right state of mind for governing her little ponies, Luna had cancelled all of her morning meetings to get some much needed shut-eye. And, since she was a mare that liked to be as comfortable as possible whenever she managed to get away from her work to get some sleep, Luna had a bedroom that was more than up to the task of whisking her off to dreamland.

The drapes on her bedroom windows and the tint covering her balcony door had been magically altered to negate light one hundred percent so she could get some sleep without being bothered by the sun, her pillow and bed were made from the feathers of volunteering Pegasi and her blankets and pillowcases were made out of the finest silk available, and to top it all off her walls had been soundproofed and the room’s temperature stayed at a constant and comfortable sixty-eight degrees.

Luna’s bed chamber was not just a simple place where one could rest their heads and go to sleep for eight hours. No, this room was nothing short of a sleeping mecca, a room that was truly worthy for one that called herself the Mistress of Dreams.

A dainty, princess-y snore could be heard from underneath a mountain of blankets as Luna adjusted herself, grabbing a pillow and squeezing it tightly against her chest. “We are… the… night,” she murmured before going back to her snoring.

Luna rolled around a bit more, throwing a few blankets off of the bed in the process before grumbling. Though her bed’s softness could have been compared to the softest clouds in all of creation she couldn’t just get herself comfortable, something that rarely happened but when it did it always put her in a bad mood.

Luna tossed and turned a bit more before she found herself fully awake, disorientated and grouchy. “Accursed pillow,” she growled, rolling onto her stomach to look up at the pillow that had failed to bring her comfort on this day. “Thy feathers are poking at our face and thy side is no longer cool to the touch!”

Belatedly blinking, she picked up the offending pillow, her mane all tangled up and her fur disheveled, and inspected it with a frown. “Thou hast shamed thy person and thy creators for thine failure!”

Grumbling a bit more she tossed it off the bed and reached over and grabbed a new one. “We banish thee off the bed to an everlasting existence on our floor.”

Yawning, she fluffed her new pillow that he had off to the side of her bed for just such a travesty before placing her head on it and closing her eyes again. “Take heed of thy predecessors fate, new pillow, for it will be yours it thou displease me.”

The pillow, too frightened to speak (or perhaps too focuses on the task at hand?) stayed silent as Luna nuzzled into it, ready once again to return to her dreamland filled with dancing candy people and mountains made of ice cream and moon pies. She would have slipped into this wonderful world too, if not for the sounds that suddenly and unexpectedly started to come from her balcony.

Luna’s eyes snapped open and she lifted her head up to regard her balcony door with confusion, suspicion, and irritation. The only ponies that were supposed to have access to her balcony were her and her sister. All others, no matter what was happening, were supposed to speak to the guards at the door of her chambers so they could then relay the information to her.

“So why in the name of our Moon is somepony—“ Luna stopped when she heard what could only be described as buzzing coming from the other side of the glass door. Her confusion turning into shock, and that shock then turning into anger and just a touch of glee.

“Oh happy day,” she murmured, rolling out of her bed as quietly as she could. “Ever since our sister’s failure in fending off these demons We hath wished to test our might against them…”

The intruders on the other side of her balcony door no longer seemed content with trying to quietly break into her room as the sounds of bodies hitting the glass with significant force could be heard echoing throughout the room. Whether or not the sudden spur to action on the invaders part was because they somehow knew that Luna was awake and watching them or they had found out that her door was locked up tight was a moot point at the moment. All that door needed to do was stay in tack for a little longer until Luna could—

CRACK!

Cursing, Luna charged toward her closet.

CRACK!

The sounds of angry chattering could be heard clearly now, as could the buzzing of insect wings.

CRACK!!!

With one last mighty tackle the glass door shattered into a million pieces, the intruders flying in a moment later, their crooked and misshapen horns glowing and their teeth bared. Soon there were twenty Changelings in Luna’s bedchamber, twenty sets of eyes scanning the small room for the Princess of the Night.

“COME FACE US, CRETINS!”

Every Changeling in the room turned to look at the closet door, each of them growling at the odd-looking light that was coming from the other end of it. One of the soldiers was about to take a step forward when something big and metal slammed against the other side of the door.

BOOM!

“WE ARE LUNA: PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT, MISTRESS OF DREAMS, AND LADY OF THE MOON!”

BOOM!

“OUR MIGHT IS WITHOUT EQUAL! OUR FURY IS THE STUFF OF LEGEND! WE ART A PROTECTOR OF OUR PEOPLE AND ONE THAT DESTROYS ALL OF THOSE THAT SEEK TO HARM THEM!”

BOOM!

Each of the Changelings found themselves very quickly retreating to the other side of the room as the wooden door very quickly became bowed and splintered.

“WE DO NOT KNOW HOW OR WHY THY KIND HAST REARED ITS UGLY HEAD ONCE MORE BUT WE ARE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SHOW THEE THE EXIT ONCE MORE!”

BOOM!!!

With a chorus of screeches, the Changelings scrambled over each other to get out of the way as the door was knocked from its hinges and sent flying to the adjacent wall with enough force to crack it. If one had bothered to look one could have seen that the side of the closet door that had been facing the wall was blackened and smoking, almost as if it had been licked by flames. Not a single Changeling saw it though, instead looking at a furious Princess Luna, who was looking at each of them with an unsettling look of excitement and joy.

The Princess of the Night took a step out of her closet, the door frame groaning in protest as she forced herself out of it, the weapons strapped to her back and sides scratching and ruining the wooden frame. Each of the Changelings hissed, the entire group retreating back as she took another step forward, each of them crouching low with horns pointed at her and their wings extended.

With deliberate slowness Luna drew her weapons, what appeared to be a chainsaw welded onto three other chainsaws and a mace with continuously spinning sharp pointy bits. Bits which were on fire and electrified at the same time. Widening her stance Luna looked at the intruders one more time before bellowing:

“PREFERABLY IN THE MOST PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE!”

--~\_~\_~\_~\_~\_~--

“Spike, honey, could you be a dear and pass your dear old mother that bag of sugar?”

Spike sighed, waddling over and grabbing a big bag of sugar. Looking down at the bag with a sour expression he carried it over to Velvet, who leaned down and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you my sweet, sweet little stallion,” she said before once again becoming a whirlwind of cooking and baking.

Rubbing his cheek Spike took a moment to look around the Sparkle kitchen, marveling at the utter chaos that he saw all around him. Cake batter and icing looked like it had been just thrown onto the table and floor, cookie dough was mashed against the walls and ceiling, and everything had so much food coloring all over it that the young dragon suspected that it was going to be near impossible to clean it all up even if they used magic. Spike wasn’t even going to bother looking down at himself. He knew that it was going to take a heck of a lot more than a quick soak in the tub to clean all of the gunk off of his body. Heck, he might even need to get Twilight to fly him to somewhere where he could get a lava bath!

The kitchen looked like a war zone; no, the damage and destruction in this room could only be compared with a natural disaster. And, in the middle of it all, humming a happy little tune and without a single bit of icing or a crumb of cookie dough (somehow) was Velvet Sparkle.

Though it didn’t take a genius to figure out the mare was happy. Her daughter and two darling baby boys had come up to Canterlot and she had had the absolute pleasure of babying the three of them until they were at wits end, Twilight and Spike had brought up a wonderful young man that, over these past few months, had become a Sparkle in all but name, and right now she had one of her boys helping her bake her world famous Desert Decker Supreme. So, in layman’s terms, all that was good and right with the world was happening to her and she was terribly happy about it.

Though all of her babies were going to have to leave her in the upcoming days— Twilight and Spike wanted to return to Ponyville and Shining and Cadance had to return to their subjects in the empire— Velvet still couldn’t keep a smile off of her face no matter how hard she tried. She had gotten to see her babies after so longer and she had gotten a new family member in Anny. And, if what Twilight and Cadance had told her had any truth in it, she just might be introducing a new member to her little family, one of the alicorn variety, if Anny and Princess Celestia started to go steady.

Oh sure, some ponies might say that jumping to those conclusions this early in the two’s budding relationship might be a little… fast but Velvet knew better. What Anny had done with the princess was the same thing that Night Light had done with her all of those years ago. She had tried turning him down, he had ground her down until she let him take her on a date, and now the two were happily married with kids (and hopefully grandkids very soon) and as in love as they had been since Night had asked her hoof in marriage.

Oh, she could see it now! Night Light walking the princess down the aisles while she would hold poor, nervous Anny’s hand and tell him that everything was going to go fine, the wedding would go off without a hitch and Anny would talk about the mare who was his rock, the mare that helped plan the wedding, helped cook the food for the catering, comforted him on those sleepless nights before the wedding; his mother in all but blood: her! And then—

“...Um, Mom? Are you alright there?”

Blinking, Velvet looked down at an absolutely messy Spike, who was looking up at her with a slightly worried expression on his face.

“You’ve been staring at that same bit of wall for about five minutes making these weird… sounds.”

Oh sweet stars above look how messy my widdle Spikey-Wikey is after helping his mommy bake, Velvet thought with a smile, reaching down to fuss with his messy face. Somepony’s going to need a bath as soon as these cookies are finished and the brownies are put in the oven.

Though Spike tried to shuffle away Velvet’s mom strength was too much for the young dragon as she licked her hoof and began to gently clean the cookie dough off of him. “Oh, your momma was just thinking, honey,” she cooed, patting his cheek after she was finished. “Now what else do we need to do to finish up the Desert Decker Supreme?”

Stepping away from his mother with a frown, Spike rubbed his face with a clean(ish) claw, muttering to himself in embarrassment, before pulling out a notebook. “Well, we finished making the sugar cookies and we decorated all of them, the caramel and chocolate dressing is cooling over there on the counter, and those chocolate chip cookies will be done any minute,” he said, his eyes scanning the list. “All we need to do is boil some sugar and bake those brownies and—“

A scratching sound made Spike pause mid sentence, his ears perking up. “Hey, mom, did you—“

Velvet, staring out her window with her ears pinned against her head, gently pushed Spike toward the living room. “Honey, I need you to do something very important for mommy.”

Spike watched as his mother very slowly magick a pair of frying pans over as she shoved him back again. The young dragon, confused as to why his mom suddenly seemed so tense and strung up, followed her gaze to the window she was looking at. Like Velvet he immediately stiffened when he saw what was looking back at them.

There, looking through their window with hate-filled eyes, was a trio of Changelings, their wings buzzing and their teeth bared, as they pawed at the glass. Both Velvet and Spike took a step back as one of the changelings reached back and slammed one of its hooves against the glass as hard as it could.

Velvet looked down at her little boy. “I’m going to need you to tell your sister and father that we’re about to have some company.”

CRACK!

“The unwanted kind.”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No, Anny, now be quiet and let me led--”

“Could you at least let me take off this blindfold?”

“Hush or I’m sending you to the moon for the night, Mister.”

After walking to the castle and greeting his date, who had decided to wear a lovely white sun dress, and after giving Celestia her flowers, which had been put in a vase so that she could snack on them later, Anny had, somehow, found himself blindfolded and being led around to lord knows where by a giggling Celestia.

“At least make sure you don’t run me into anything.”

From behind him, Celestia snorted. “If you don’t stop trying to take off that blindfold--” Anny yelped as she slapped his hand down with a spell. “--I’ll make sure that you’ll be hitting every tree branch and tripping over every rock, buster brown. Now be quiet so I can remember the way.”

“Remember the way? So does that mean you have no idea where we’re going?”

“No, it means that I’m not as familiar with this part of the castle gardens as I’d like to be.”

Oh, so we’re still at the castle, Anny thought with a hum. ...How big is this place then? I mean it’s not like--

“Oh! Oh! We’re here!” Anny almost lost his feet as Celestia darted around him and raced off to wherever the heck she was running to. “Come on and take that silly thing off so we can enjoy our date, Anny!”

“You’re the one that put this dumb blindfold on me in the first place…” Anny muttered, though it did as he was told.

Blinking a few times, Anny noticed that there were trees all around him. Looking ahead he noticed a tree that dwarfed the others standing alone on top of a little rise in the ground. The tree must have been twice as thick and two and a half times taller than any of the other trees around him, with leaves of deep blue and a bark that looked oddly reddish.

“...What the heck kind of tree is that?” Anny muttered, just looking at the thing. “And how the heck are we still on castle grounds? There’s no way--”

“Yooho! Anny, up here!”

Sure enough Celestia was sitting under the giant freaky tree, a bright smile on her face and what looked like a picnic basket by her side.

Hurrying over to her while not taking his eyes off the tree, Anny walked past his date to place a hand on the tree’s bark. “Celestia, what the heck kind of tree is this?”

The Princess giggled, spreading out a wing and gently guiding him back toward her. “A very old and mysterious tree that has been here since long before I even thought of building Canterlot on top of this mountain.

Letting himself be pushed down onto a sitting position, Anny nodded. “Huh.. that’s neat.” He looked up at the canopy shielding both him and Celestia from the sun. “So do you know why it looks so freaky then? Or maybe what kind of tree it is?”

Still smiling, the Princess of the Sun leaned herself on her date and looked up at the big old tree. “I, nor anypony that has studied this living giant know how it got so big, why its the color that it is, or why it’s still alive considering how old it is, but we so know that it’s some kind of maple tree.”

Anny squinted. “A maple huh?... Alright then.” Though what he was sitting under was an admittedly neat thing that he would have liked to know about a little bit more, Anny had more important matters to deal with at the moment.

“Alright then,” he said with a clap of his hands. “So whatcha got for us to do today, Celestia?”

Nuzzling herself against Anny’s side, Celestia reached over and grabbed her picnic basket. “Oh, I thought that the two of us could laze around for a bit eating and drinking--” Opening the basket, Celestia pulled out a book. “--And maybe we could read to one another?”

His eyebrows rising in surprise, Anny looked down at the book in Celestia’s hooves. “Daring Do and the Blundering Bandidos of BogsBerry?” He looked over at her. “You want us to read Daring Do books together?”

With a faint blush, Celestia looked away from him. “W-Well, I thought that since we both enjoy reading the books what better than to sit here and--”

If Celestia had been looking at Anny she would have seen the man’s face light up. “I’d love to listen to you read this!” he said, excited. “I’ve never heard anyone read these out loud before, and you’d have a great voice for it!”

Celestia blinked, the blush on her face reddening. “O-Oh? You think so?”

Anny nodded. “Yeah! You have a lovely voice and--” Anny froze for a second. “...But then you’d have to listen to me read it and I know for a fact that I’m not the best reader in the world…”

Snorting, Celestia lightly smacked him with a hoof. “Nonsense! All that you need is a bit of practice and you’ll be a better speaker than I, Anny,” she said encouragingly.

Anny still looked a little unsure about the whole thing. “...Do you really think so?”

Celestia nodded, poking his chest with a hoof before opening her book. “I know so! Now, how about if I read a chapter then you read a chapter so the two of us won’t talk our throats raw?”

Wrapping an arm around his date, Anny nodded. “That sounds good to me.”

Her smiling widening, Celestia spread a wing and wrapped it around her human. Wiggling around a bit to get herself a bit more comfortable, the Princess loudly cleared her throat. “Alrighty then, I shall start. Once upon a time there was a bandit whose wealth and fame were known all throughout the land…”

Step Six: Pop the Question
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

Step Six: Pop the Question

The mind is an odd thing, especially when one was asleep. In most cases a person has no power in the realm of dreams. They are at the mercy of their own mind, only protected from their psyche if they are under a certain Princess of the Night’s watch or if they have the knowledge to mold their dreams by themselves.

Unfortunately for Blueblood he did not have the luxury of knowing how to dream-walk, and at the moment his aunt had not started her sacred duty. At that moment, as he lay there, he was at the mercy of his mind. He could have dreamed of a paradise on earth, he could have dreamed of nothing, or he could have imagined up nightmares that would haunt him for the rest of his days. And given the way that he had been put to sleep it was a wonder why he wasn’t having the mother of all nightmares at the moment.

But no, Blueblood did not have a nightmare, nor did he have a “good” dream. In that moment of time, as he dreamed, Prince Blueblood of Equestria was dreaming that he was sitting on top of a large body of absolutely crystal clear and still water as though it were a solid thing. To his left was a tree made out of what looked to be pure crystal hanging upside down with its roots reaching out far into the sky. In front of him, oddly enough, was a simple wooden table that had a pair of tea cups, a kettle full of tea, and a small plate that was piled high with lemon tea cakes.

While all of this would normally send an average pony into a fit of hysteria, as before mentioned, this was a dream. One could see something a thousand times more twisted,magnificent, or different and they wouldn’t think anything of it. Which was why, as Blueblood sat there sipping his slightly too small cup of tea, he thought nothing of his childhood friend Sir Paddington suddenly appearing at the other end of his little table and pouring himself a cuppa.

Sir Paddington and the good Prince had a long history with each other. Blueblood had knighted the small teddy bear when he was just a young blank flank on the grounds that Paddington would be his companion through thick and thin, through the highs in his life and its lows, along with doing all that he could to protect Blueblood from the monsters under his bed and keep him from having nightmares.

Though this would seem like a daunting task for most people, Sir Paddington had taken to it with a zeal usually not seen by a plush doll that couldn’t move under its own power. Paddington stayed by his Prince’s side as he finished kindergarten, first, second, and third grade. He was there every time Blueblood wanted to play or had to study and he had even been known to have accompanied him to a birthday party or two.

The teddy bear also managed his second task with a skill few had ever and would ever see. Not once in his young life had Blueblood been attacked by the many monsters under the bed, in his closet, or that big demon in the toilet that always threatened to attack him whenever he attempted to sit down. And though Blueblood could recall of having more than a few nightmares in his young life, not once did he have one so severe and terrible that it had woken him in the middle of the night or leave him wanting to keep every single light on in his room as soon as the sun had set and the darkness swept the land.

Sir Paddington excelled at his job, took up little room and asked almost nothing for his services. His knighthood had been enough for him since the beginning and he was still satisfied with it long after Blueblood had put the bear in his closet and buried under a mountain of clothes and dusty old book. He was a knight of unparalleled valor, honor, and skill, and it showed in the aging, slightly torn up teddy bear’s voice as he spoke.

“My lord, you must rise. There is still much for you to do.”

Blueblood looked at his old companion from the top of his tea cup, an eyebrow slowly rising. “Whatever do you mean, Knight of the Nine Pillow Forts?” Putting his tea cup down the Prince waved his hoof around. “All seems well. There is not a monster in sight, the upside down tree seems to enjoy flying, and I haven’t been bothered by a single marshmallow cloud today.”

Sir Paddington’s black button eyes combed over the Prince’s features for a long moment before he shook his head. “Nay my lord, all before you is naught but a mockery.” The teddy bear waved his crudely made wooden sword though the air as if slashing at an opponent. “You are not in the realm of the living, you are in the realm of dreams.”

Blinking in confusion, Blueblood looked around at his surroundings. “…Truly, sir knight? All before me is nothing but the trick of the mind?”

Grimly, the teddy bear nodded. “Aye my lord, and you must awaken from this dream at once. There is a monster for you to fight and a princess that you must save.”

With wide eyes the Prince remembered all that had transpired when he was awake. Fleur, Chrysalis, everything came flooding back with an almost startling amount of clarity.

In the blink of an eye the world around him started to melt as he got up out of his chair and stood up. “Yes, I believe that you are right, good knight, there isn’t enough time to be sleeping the day away as I am now!” Blueblood was about to take a step forward but he stopped, his ears pinning back as he looked back at his old, old friend. “Though I do believe that a faithful knight companion would greatly—“

Sir Paddington shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, my lord, but the task before you is one that you must face alone.”

Blueblood opened his mouth but then closed it, looking down with a sigh. “Yes… I figured as much…” Looking back up the Prince saw that the good knight was now at his side, his little wooden sword slipped through his belt.

“Whatever challenges that you face in the waking world I am sure that you will overcome them with the greatest of ease, my lord,” the teddy bear said with the utmost confidence.

Barely managing a smile, Blueblood nodded. “I suppo—“

The Prince couldn’t help but yelp when Sir Paddington drew his sword and whapped him on the side with it. “You will suppose nothing, my lord.” the teddy bear snapped, his voice cracking like a whip. “You will do what all good Princes must do when faced with overcoming odds.”

Blueblood managed to keep from yelping again as his old faithful knight once again smacked him. “You will fight, you will crawl, you will paw your way through all that stands in the way of your Princess! Whether you use might or mind you will outpace, outthink, and outfight your enemies.”

Sir Paddington’s eyes hardened to the point where the Prince was having a hard time looking at him. “Not because you fight for yourself! No! You fight for another, one that you care about more than life itself! And it is a fight that you will win! Do you understand my lord?”

Blueblood looked down at the teddy bear that he had (with some regret) forgotten over the years, his mind milling over the knight’s every detail while he repeated everything that he had just heard to himself.

“…I believe that you are right, my good knight!” The Prince cried, all of the anxiety and fear that had started welling up inside him the moment he had realized that he would have to awaken vanishing in a blink of an eye. “I must go at once to save my… Princess. And I will not lose the ensuing fight! No matter what I have to do I will free Fleur and show that bug what happens when one crosses this royal!”

Sir Paddington, now slowly melting along with the landscape grinned, his eyes gleaming. “Excellent! But there is something that my lord needs to do first!”

Blueblood once again looked at his old friend, a smile coming to his face that matched the bear’s. “And what is that, my ever faithful knight?”

“I need you to wake up, my lord.”

“Wake up.”

“Wake up!”

“Prince Blueblood, Sir, wake up!”

Thrown out of his dream with a violent amount of force, the first thing that Blueblood noticed before he opened his eyes was the face that he seemed to be rolling and tumbling head over—

BANG!

The poor Prince groaned in pain as he hit something hard and flat hard enough to make his head spin. “Oh sweet gods above what could have—“

“Prince Blueblood? My lord!”

With another groan Blueblood finally opened his eyes to see one of the many guards at the castle, Captain Terracotta if he remember correctly, looming over him with his ears pinned back and a look of utter worry and panic on his face. Another moment’s inspection of the pony in question also showed that the captain appeared to be trapped up to his neck in what looked like some sort of glowing green slime.

“Captain? Is that you?” the Prince asked, slowly getting to his hooves with a pained grunt. By my aunt’s beard, I’m going to be feeling THAT in the morning…

The Captain nodded. “Sir yes sir, like the others I was captured by those bugs when my back was turned. All I remember was getting bashed in the head with something before I woke up like… this.”

…Wait, he said like the others? What did he—

Blueblood froze as he looked around what was obviously one of the larger rooms in the castle that had had all of the furniture taken out of it. From the twenty foot tall ceiling to the carpeted floors the whole room was covered in that same glowing slime, and in that slime were the Solar and Lunar guard, all of whom looked various levels of upset and distraught.

The Captain nodded in understanding when he saw his Prince’s slack-jawed expression. “We didn’t notice that the Changelings were slowly infiltrating our ranks until it was far too late,” he said.

Blueblood’s heart nearly stopped. “Sweet stars above! Do you know how many are in the castle right now? Or if they’ve gotten any of my aunt’s or—“

“I know that Queen Chrysalis is in the castle at this moment, sir,” the Captain interrupted, his tone becoming orderly and professional. “I suspect that she doesn’t have her main force in the city as of yet, and that she wanted to subdue all of the Princesses first before calling them so that she wouldn’t have the same trouble as last time. At this moment she might not have more than twenty Changelings in the city with her if I had to spitball a number.”

Though Blueblood wanted to sigh in relief at the fact that he wasn’t going to open this door and fight a thousand Changelings to get to Fleur, but then he stopped. Even though there weren’t as many of the bugs as he was expecting twenty of them had managed to take out the entire guard without anypony being any the wiser.

“Well… at least that’s better news than I was expecting,” the Prince muttered before looking back at the Captain hopefully. “You wouldn’t happen to know when that horrid Queen is planning to make her move do you?”

With a snort the captain nudged his head down to his encased body. “As you can see she’s already incapacitated all of us. If she was going to try and neutralize the Princesses the best time to do it would be now before anypony started wondering where we all went.”

“That means I don’t have much time!”

The Captain blinked in surprise as Blueblood made a dash toward the door, blowing it off its hinges with his magic. “Wait! Free us first Sir! Now that we know—“

“I don’t have time! I have to save everypony!”

“How the hay are you going to do that by yourself?!”

Blueblood didn’t even pause or look back, sprinting out of the room as fast as his hooves could take him. “I have absolutely no idea! But I’m going to do it! Somehow!”

The Captain tried to wiggle out of his goo prison as the other guardsponies looked on. “Wait! At least tell us what spell you used to get out of—oh horse apples, don’t go without freeing us!…”

Seeing the only pony that could possibly free them had left to run around the castle most of the guard started groaning in annoyance and irritation. Some of the stallions had been glued upside down to the ceiling for nearly two days, and more than a few of them had to go to the bathroom. But, unfortunately for them and the ponies trapped underneath them, it looked like they’d be trapped a little longer until the situation somehow resolved itself or one of the maids happened to come across the destroyed door in the hallway.

“Fiddlesticks,” the Captain muttered, looking at his soldiers to the best of his ability with a sigh. “So, lads, remind me… Who’s turn was it again?”

A bat pony that was stuck against one of the corners of the room started wiggling around excitedly. “Oh, oh! It was my turn! Alright, I spy with my little eye…”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“—“Have at thee Daring Do!” cried Captain Windhelm, his sword flashing in the moonlight as he pointed it at the adventurer. “For tonight we will see—“

Celestia sighed in contentment, nuzzling Anny’s shoulder as she quietly followed along with him in the book as he read.

There was a gentle breeze making the trees rustle and the branches rattle, her sun looked like it was about ready to be set, it was starting to get a little bit nippy out and Celestia honestly couldn’t feel her butt with how long she had been sitting here, under this big, beautiful maple tree. And she loved it so much that it darn near hurt.

The Princess of the Sun had been under this tree with her date, cuddled up to him with her head on his shoulder and a wing lazily draped around him, for what seemed like an eternity. The two of them had spent hours, only drinking or getting a bite out of the picnic basket that she had brought when they really needed it, reading to each other, and in that time Celestia realized that Anny really did have a lovely speaking voice.

Though at first he had seemed reluctant and nervous reading to her aloud it had only taken an hour or two for him to get into the swing of things. And get into the swing of things he did. The way he tried to give the characters or scenes he was reading just a little more life by deepening or making his voice a higher pitch, and the way his excitement in his tone grew and grew as both him and her poured through the book made her smile.

In her many years as a Princess she had listened to many, many ponies (among other things) speak and sing and act, and in her time she had learned to do that and more with the best of them but it seemed a little different listening to Anny. It felt… better, everything that came out of his mouth made her want to lay under with tree with him until her sun set and her sister’s moon rose and their throats were too sore to speak aloud anymore.

With another happy sigh she just closed her eyes and let Anny’s words wash over her, her wings tightening around him ever so slightly. Like their last date had been, and the one before that, she was having the most fun that she had had in years. It seemed like the simpler things, silly things like reading outside or having a picnic in the park, were the things that she and Anny were going to have to do whenever they went out from now on.

Yes… little dates like this always seem to work best for us, as they surely do with everypony, Celestia thought, her smile widening when she felt Anny lean against her just a little bit more. In fact I cannot fathom why other ponies would want to do anything more than this! Why would you go to some fancy dinner or an opera when two ponies can have a lovely evening outside under a tree?

With another sigh, Celestia nosed Anny’s neck, wrapping a hoof around him. Soon she would have to get out of this comfortable, comfortable position she was in and she’d have to read aloud a book that she had memorized. And after reading to her wonderful date she’d have to walk Anny home and lower her sun so her sister could see to her duties.

But now? Now she was right where she wanted to be, listening to one of the most wonderful stallions in the world, a stallion that she knew (or at least hoped) cared for her as much as she cared for him, while the two of them sat out in this lovely weather under this lovely tree on this lovely, lovely day. And with all of her heart she hoped that there would be many, many more days like this.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“Fleur? Fleur? Where are you?!”

The halls of the castle were vacant as Blueblood moved down them as quickly as he dared, his ears perked up and his body ready for action the second that he thought he heard a Changeling. He didn’t know what he was going to do to a Changeling or Changelings if he found him, but by gum he was doing to something!

The Prince ran up and down halls, he opened doors and looked into rooms, he ran around places of the castle even he, somepony that had lived there all of his life, had no idea existed in the hope that he’d find his best friend and the mare that he had been in love with since before he had gotten his cutiemark. The Changeling invasion could wait, he could tell his aunts that Chrysalis was in the castle some other time, and the guards looked remarkably comfortable in their goo prisons so he was sure that they’d be fine where they were for a little longer.

What mattered at that moment to the Prince was finding Fleur, freeing her from whatever mind control she was under, and flushing the bug that had done all of this down the toilet where she belonged.

Though his muscles were screaming at him to stop and his lungs were burning with all the running that he had been doing, Blueblood just pushed himself harder.

“Fleur? FLEUR! If you can hear me say something! PLEASE!”

Trying his best to keep his breathing under control, Blueblood poked his head around a corner, checking to see if it was empty of Changelings, before charging around and making a beeline down it.

I MUST have checked half of this blasted castle by now! He thought, dismayed. Where could they be hiding? Did that dreadful bug leave the castle or—

“Bleu… Bleu…”

Skidding to stop, Blueblood looked around the hallway with wide eyes. “Fleur? Is that you?”

His heart pounding in his chest, Blueblood strained his hearing as much as he could, desperately hoping what he had just heard was actually Fleur and not something that his mind had conjured up to mock him.

“Bleu… Bleu…”

Wait… it sounds like it’s coming from behind me… Swallowing the lump in his throat and charging up his horn to do… something, Blueblood slowly looked over his shoulder. There down the hall, looking all glassy-eyed and walking toward him so slowly that she may as well have been crawling, was Fleur de Lis.

“FLEUR!” the Prince cried, ignoring all of the warning signs blaring in his head as he spun around and sprinted toward her.

The supermodel didn’t react as he ran up to her and wrapped his hooves around her neck, simply staring ahead and trying to walk forward like he wasn’t even there. “Bleu… Bleu…”

With tears in his eyes Blueblood broke his impromptu hug, grabbing Fleur by the cheeks and forcing her head down so he could get a proper look at her face. To his dismay her eyes were as green and unfocused as they had been the last time that he had seen her. But that was okay! Even though Fleur was still somewhat under that Changeling Queen’s spell the mare must have retained enough of herself to wander away from that blasted bug when she wasn’t looking. And now that he had her in his hooves he could figure out a way to fix her and get her out of the castle to keep her safe!

“Bleu… Bleu…”

“Y-yes, yes, it’s me! Bleu’s here Fleur!” the Prince said, pushing a bit of Fleur’s mane out of her face and putting it behind her ear. “And Bleu’s going to get you out of here so he—“

“So he can what?”

Before Blueblood could so much as register what had been said an invisible force picked him up and tossed him down through the air. The world once again flipped end over end for the Prince until, for the second time that day, he landed onto the cold, hard stone with a painful thud.

“Urgh!... Fleur!... Got to…” Blinking away stars, Blueblood rolled to his stomach and looked up to see a grinning Chrysalis slowly making her way toward him from the other end of the hall, a wicked smile on her face.

“Oh? And what is this? The pompous prince somehow managed to free himself from his feeding unit and decided to run around my castle to play the heroic hero?” With an amused giggle, Chrysalis stopped in front of Fleur, patting her cheek with a hoof. “How… quant.”

The second that the Queen touched his friend Blueblood saw red. “YOU WILL NOT TOUCH HER AGAIN YOU BEAST!”

With a roar that would usually come from an angry hydra, Blueblood rose to his hooves, lowered his horn, and unleashed a hell-storm on the still grinning Changeling. Though the Prince didn’t know a proper offensive spell to save his life his magic seemed to obey his will as if he had been studying the offensive arts all of his life.

The Prince unleashed fireballs, bolts of ice, fire, lightning, and air, he tore up bits of the wall and floor to throw, he even sent beams of magic screaming toward the Changeling. Wave after wave after wave of destruction Blueblood sent through the air while he screamed and cursed at the top of his lungs.

Chrysalis, being a Changeling that was quite a bit more experienced in this sort of thing than he was, smiled gleefully at his rage. “Oh… this is adorable.”

Once again slowly making her way toward him the Queen went about the task of dismantling all of his spells with terrible efficacy. His fireballs were extinguished with a flick of her horn, his bolts of magic bounced off a quickly made shield as if they were nothing, and she didn’t even bother blocking or dodging the bits of rock that Blueblood threw at her since every single one of them missed her by a mile.

Blueblood increased his barrage until the massive amount of expended magic made his vision blur, the Prince doing everything in his power to at least push the Changeling back or slow her down, but he might as well have been spitting at her. Chrysalis’s steps didn’t waver, nor did the mocking smile on her face.

“What a feisty little morsel you are, trying to attack your new Queen as though you think you have the slightest chance of even touching me.” With a flick of the Queen’s horn Blueblood’s head snapped up, and with another flick the Prince was sent careening into a wall.

“Un…hoof me… you… beast!” Blueblood demanded, struggling against the invisible force pinning him against the wall while Chrysalis continued her leisurely pace toward him.

“I’m afraid that you’re not in the best position to make demands of your new ruler, meat.”

Blueblood snorted. “The day… that I call… you my Queen… is the day… the sky turns… purp—urk!”

Tsking, Chrysalis shook her head as the wall around Blueblood started cracking. “Oh my poor, idiotic morsel. As we speak my servants are rounding up this country’s pathetic royalty, bound and gagged, and bringing them to me.” With another giggle the Queen hopped into the air in excitement. “No little purple runts ruining my plans, no Princess of Love blasting me and my children away!”

Her smile turning more predatory, Chrysalis forced Blueblood further down the wall so she could press her nose against his. Blueblood tried to squirm away from her touch, but another bone crushing burst of magic made him still as the Queen tenderly nuzzled his cheek.

“And the second that that human and that blasted Princess of the Sun finish up with their date I’ll have them too! And then my army will come from beneath Canterlot itself! We will sweep aside everything that stands in our way until you ponies are all rounded up and placed into food pods!”

Though Blueblood tried to look away from her, a bit of magic forced him to look straight into the Queen’s glowing green eyes. “But first, my soon-to-be meal, how about you honor your new Queen and play around with her for a bit longer?”

With one last flick of her horn, Blueblood was released from her magical hold, Blueblood falling into a heap at the Queen’s hooves. With a pained groan, the Prince opened his eyes and looked upward to see Chrysalis looming over him.

“It will be a while longer until Celestia and that human of her’s are finished playing in the garden and I could use a warm up for that little… irritation.”

A part of Blueblood wanted to just lay down and give up, but, never the less, he found himself getting back to his hooves. For Fleur, he thought, ignoring his shaky legs to glare at the Queen. FOR FLEUR!

“FOR FLEUR! HAVE AT THEE MONSTER!”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“—“We need to get out of here!” Daring yelled as the walls started closing in on them. “Quick, Patsy, pass me—“

With a small smile on his face, Anny gave Celestia a little squeeze as she continued to read. Sometime during their date the two had wiggled closer and closer toward each other, partly because they needed to for the reading and partly to be in contact with each other, until Celestia was very nearly sitting in Anny’s lap, her side pressed snugly against his and her head resting on his chest. Anny, to his delight, found himself lazily holding his date with his arms wrapped around her barrel and his head on her shoulder.

From this oddly comfortable position, Anny was able to hear the Princess of the Sun as she read one of the most exciting parts of this little book. He was also able to faintly hear the thud of the alicorn’s heartbeat, feel her silky smooth fur on his face, and smell the crisp, summery, sunny scent that only Celestia seemed to have. In fact, if the Princess wasn’t anything less than an absolutely amazing speaker, there was a good chance Anny wouldn’t have heard a word she said. He would have conked out in ten minutes so comfortable was he. But, as luck would have it, Anny not only got to enjoy holding the Princess like a big ol’ teddy bear, but he also got to listen to one heck of a story being spun.

Though he had read this particular book at least a dozen times (like he did with all of the Daring Do books) the way that Celestia seemed to bring life to each word, each scene, and each character in the book made it new and exciting for him. Though she didn’t do any silly accents or change tempo like he did, Celestia’s calming and patient yet strong voice seemed to echo through his ears. The pony princess had a wonderful speaking voice, and she knew how to use it.

Anny had cheered aloud when Daring Do managed to escape the Zebra cannibals, he squeezed the princess tighter when she regaled him with how Daring Do’s father died, and a smile came to his face as his wonderful, beautiful date began the last chapter in the book, where the red-eyed adventurer would once again be teaching her students at Apple Bridge University.
And since the story was almost finished, and since the sun looked like it was about ready for someone, or somepony, to set it, Anny knew that he and Celestia were going to have to get up soon. They’d have to end their date and he’d have to go back home and tell Velvet all about it while the elderly mare tried insisting on letting her bathe him… for some reason. But Anny honestly didn’t want that.

….For the night to end, not the whole “Velvet trying to bathe him thing”. He never wanted that.

Just like with every date that Anny had been on with Celestia it had been a wonderful, amazing, grand time. Just sitting there on the bare ground with his date while the two of them read to each other made him smile and also made him feel the… rightness of all of this. If he had had the power, he would have gladly stayed there, under that crazy weird tree, and just laugh and read and smile with the Princess of the Sun. But, unfortunately, the only thing he could do was hold onto the princess while wishing that the sun would slow down just a little bit more.

I’m going to have to ask her out soon, Anny quietly realized, his stomach beginning to knot at the very idea. Our date’s almost over, and if I don’t do it soon then I don’t know if I’ll be able to work up the courage to do it another time…

Not that Anny felt particularly brave right now, he just felt that he needed to pop the question to her on this day. It was a gut feeling that had been brewing in his mind for the past few days and he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried to shake the feeling, get it out of his head. It was almost as if the very fates themselves were nudging him along with invisible hands to his destiny.

… Or it could have been the fact that he really wanted that kiss. Either one worked for him.

I’m not going to be a baby, I’m going to be a manly man and ask her the second that she says the two of us have to go, Anny thought, desperately hoping that Celestia couldn’t hear his pounding heart or feel his now slightly shaky hands. It’ll be romantic to ask at the end like that won’t it? It’ll be like adding a cherry on top of all of this and stuff...

As discreetly as he could, Anny took a couple of calming breaths.

It’s not like I couldn’t do it right now if I wanted to or anything! I just don’t want to interrupt Celestia in the middle of her reading and—

Anny visibly stiffened as Celestia, with a sigh, closed the book. “Well Anny, I believe that it is about time for me to return to the castle so that I can lower the sun,” she said, looking over at Anny with a small smile that she was obviously using to try to hide the disappointment on her face.

Anny scooted over toward her just a little more, wrapping his other arm around her and pulling her into a hug. “Yeah… it’s about time the two of us get on home huh?”

With a happy hum, Celestia wiggled into Anny’s lap, settling her head on his shoulder and wrapping her wings tightly around him. “Yes, the two of us need to go home and get ready for bed so that we can face the day, and all that it may bring, with our best hoof forward.”

Anny’s grip around the Princess tightened as she used her magic to put down her book. “Yeah, even though this date’s been really great it has to end sometime.”

Celestia nodded. “Yes… yes it does.”

Neither Celestia nor Anny made a move to get up or even break their hug. All Anny did was scooch back a little bit so that he could lean against the big weird tree while Celestia let out another sigh. The two didn’t say a thing or move a muscle; they just sat there listening to each other’s breathing whilst enjoying their companion’s warmth and touch. Celestia let out a coo as Anny scratched her back and Anny let out a chuckle when he felt the fur on Celestia’s muzzle tickle his neck.

This went on for some time— the two just lying there holding each other— then for some more time, then for even more time until Celestia finally let out a quiet giggle. “You know Anny…” Her grip tightened around her friend. “I’m sure that my sister would be more than happy to lower my sun and raise her moon herself.”

“Oh?”

The Princess nodded, the fur on her face tickling his neck and cheek. “I might get a bit of a yelling later because I didn’t tell her in advance but I’m sure she won’t be too sore about it.” Celestia let out another coo when Anny’s hand started scratching the middle of her back. “I’ll just tell her that time ran away from me when I eventually make my way back to the castle.”

Practically glowing, Celestia removed her head from Anny’s shoulder so that she could look him in the eyes, shifting her weight away from the center of his lap and placing her hooves on either side of Anny’s neck to steady herself.

Anny couldn’t help but idly note that their noses were nearly touching. If he really wanted to he could have just leaned over a little bit and they’d be kissing. The Princess wouldn’t even be able to do anything if he hurried up and did it either. Though from the warmth in her eyes and the smile on her face that made Anny’s heart ache he was starting to think that he wouldn’t have to dart in and steal a kiss if he really wanted one. And he realllllly wanted one...

Anny looked up at the Princess of the Sun, who was bathed in the glow of her celestial body in a way that not even the finest painters could ever hope to copy, and smiled. It was a gentle, unsure smile but one of the most honest ones that Antaeus had ever had in his life.

“Well… it is getting cold out here,” Anny whispered, his hands finding their way to the Princess’s sides. “And I don’t think my jackets gonna cut keeping me warm.”

Celestia leaned in and, for a moment, Anny thought that she was going for a kiss. To his disappointment (and relief) she just nuzzled his cheek before once again placing her head on his shoulder.

“See? Now I have even more reason to stay out here with you, my little human.” Celestia’s wings tightened around him ever so slightly. “I need to make sure that you’re warm enough so that you won’t catch a cold; a duty that I will see through even if I have to stay here all night with you under this tree and my sister’s stars hanging above our heads.”

Anny had to resist the urge to grab Celestia’s cheeks and kiss her right there. “I’d appreciate it, Celestia.”

The Princess was quiet for a long moment before Anny felt her tail wrapping itself around his legs and lower body, fully trapping him underneath her. “No, my dear, dear little human, I can assure you that the pleasure is all mine.”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“Omph!”

“Argh!

“Ah!”

Chrysalis let out a hearty chuckle as she threw Blueblood down the hall. “Aw, did I tenderize my meal a little too hard?” she asked mockingly. “You hardly seem to be doing any more than letting me toss you around, my dear. I’m starting to get a little worried that you’ve given up.”

Though the hallway was in ruins, with its walls blackened from flames licking at them, or great sheets of ice that covered spans of it, to even whole parts of it missing or broken, Chrysalis stood without a scratch and barely out of breath. In fact she almost looked energized despite how long she and the Prince had been “fighting” each other. Blueblood, on the other hand, felt like how this hallway looked.

Every part of his body felt battered and bruised, most of his tail had been burnt off from a fireball that had been knocked right back at him, he could feel ice and soot on what was left of his vest and most of his fur, and he was exhausted. So utterly, unbelievably exhausted, in fact that he couldn’t find the strength to get to his hooves; which meant that he was forced to drag himself along on the cracked and broken ground in an attempt to get away from his attacker.

The Prince wasn’t stupid, he knew that he hadn’t stood a chance in the first place. His attacker was simply too strong and he was simply too weak and too inexperienced to do anything. He had lost and he had lost badly; so badly in fact that the only reason why he wasn’t any more hurt than he already was because the Queen, who was humming a little tune as she slowly walked toward him, didn’t allow it. The Queen’s skill was also the reason why, in the midst of all of this destruction, Fleur, who hadn’t moved an inch during their entire little “battle” looked as pristine and untouched as she had been the first time Blueblood saw her this morning.

And, knowing that, even with his best effort, he had failed, Blueblood forced himself to drag his battered body toward Fleur de Lis. He might have bucked up, and he might get turned into a snack for the Queen in the very near future (very, very near future in fact if he didn’t pick up his pace) the Prince wanted to look upon and speak with his very best friend one last time before the winds of fate took him where they will.

“Bleu… Bleu…” Blueblood could hear the supermodel mutter as she gently rocked back and forth, her slowly blinking eyes staring at nothing.

“I’m… here Fleur… I’m here…” the Prince managed to rasp out, gritting his teeth as he did his best to quickly close the gap between him and her. “I’m… coming…”

From behind him he could hear Chrysalis chuckling. “I don’t even know why you’re bothering, meat. My dear Lady Fleur is nothing but my puppet at the moment; one who I can control on a whim.” The Queen licked her lips. “She cannot hear you and I promise you that you would have a better conversation with the floor that you so happened to be dragging yourself on.”

The Changeling Queen’s words didn’t even faze the Prince, who, somehow, managed to drag himself to his hooves just as he came within a few feet away from Fleur. Though he had to lean against the wall to walk, and he nearly lost his footing more than once, the Prince finally found himself nearly touching noses with his best friend and the mare that he loved more than anything else in this earth.

Though he was overcome with the sudden, yet aggressive, urge to cry, Blueblood managed to smile at his friend. “I do… believe… that I should… have taken those… self-defense… classes with… you, my dear. They…. Would have come… in handy… at the… moment.”

Wincing in pain Blueblood raised a hoof and cupped Fleur’s cheek with it, his heart aching when she didn’t even react to his touch. “In fact… I should have… done quite a… bit more things… with you…”

With just a few feet away from the Prince, Chrysalis stopped, a cruel smile coming to her face. “Oh? And what is this? Does my little snack have something to say? Does he want to pour his heart out to the mare that he has feelings for?”

Her jab once again went unnoticed by Blueblood, who, with a shaky breath, leaned forward until his and Fleur’s foreheads were touching.

“I should have gone with… you to the prom when we… were in school together… I should have asked… you if you would have… liked to dance at… any of those parties that you… dragged me to…”

The soft patter of tear drops hitting the stone floor could be heard in the dead silent room as Blueblood closed his eyes. “I s-should have… told y-you you were… beautiful and stunning whenever… I saw you. I should h-have… wrapped a hoof around… you whenever we… went to the movies… together. I s-should have… I-I s-should have…”

With tears now streaming down his face, Blueblood opened his eyes to look into Fleur’s. Though they were tinted green from the Queen’s influence, he could still see the eyes that he fell in love with as a young stallion. “I should… have told you… how I felt…”

Once again closing his eyes the Prince leaned up and, with a heart that was beating several miles a minute and legs so shaky that it was a wonder how he hadn’t fallen over, Blueblood kissed the girl. It wasn’t anything special, just a peck on the lips, but for Blueblood fireworks may as well have been going off all around him. Though neither he nor Fleur were at their best for kissing (at least Blueblood assumed he wasn’t after the beating that he had just gone through) that single, little tiny kiss was better than anything Blueblood could have imagined.

Awing, Chrysalis once again chuckled. “Well, though this has been amusing, that Sun Princess should be about finished with that date of hers.” Blueblood let out a yelp of protest as Chrysalis wrenched him away from Fleur, the Prince’s hooves trying to find purchase on the stone ground as she dragged him toward her. “So I do believe that I’ll make a snack out of you, my brave little morsel.”

“Fleur, FLEUR!” the Prince yelled, trying to resist the Queen’s magic with all of his might. “I love you Fleur! I LOVE YOU!”

Fleur de Lis seemed to stare at the Prince, her eyes focusing to his face. “…Bleu?”

With a surprised gasp, Blueblood nodded. “Yes! It’s me, it’s me Fleur, your Blueblood!”

Having found a bit of strength from that kiss, Blueblood turned his head around and fired a bolt of magic at Chrysalis who, in her surprise, was forced to drop him so that she could hastily throw a shield up.

“You’re going to pay for that, worm!” she growled, her horn exploding to life with magic.

Running back up to Fleur, Blueblood grabbed her by her cheeks and gave her head a little shake. “It’s Blueblood, Fleur! Listen to my voice; fight this spell you’re under! PLEASE!”

Once again the Prince leaned up for another kiss, though this one was hurried, more forceful. Desperately hoping that this would work, Blueblood held Fleur close before breaking the kiss.

“You’re being controlled by the Queen of the Changelings, Fleur!” he yelled, giving her another kiss before firing another spell blindly over his shoulder. There was an angry hiss, and for a moment Blueblood thought that he had finally managed to hit Chrysalis, but he didn’t dare look behind him, instead once again pressing his mouth against Fleur’s.

Though it might have just been his imagination, he could have sworn that the supermodel’s lips puckered ever so slightly, as if she was trying to kiss him back.

“I don’t care what happens to me, I don’t care if this overgrown bug makes me into her next meal.” Blueblood broke the kiss, fired of another spell, and darted back in for another. “But there’s no way in Tartarus that I’m going to let the mare of my dreams, the mare that I love with all of my heart, continue to be a mindless puppet!”

An invisible force tugged at the Prince’s vest but he managed to slap it away with his magic. “Come back to me, Fleur! Come back to your—urgh!“

Once again Blueblood was ripped backwards by Chrysalis’s magic though this time Fleur stumbled forward a step, her lips parted slightly. “…Bleu… Bleu…” Fleur de Lis blinked, then she blinked again, the mare’s eyes clearing up. “Bleu…? Blueblood?”

Looking around in confusion, Fleur surveyed the area. Her head throbbed as pain wracked her skull and she let out a quiet groan, putting a hoof up to her head. “Oh… what happened? Why am I—“

“Urgh!”

With a growl, Chrysalis slammed Blueblood so hard against the wall that it cracked. “I truly grow tired of this, meat,” she growled. Blueblood struggled against her magical hold, attempting to say something, only for her to tighten her grip on the Prince’s throat. “Time to die, Prince!”

Fleur’s eyes widened. “Blueblood!” she shouted, her horn sparking to life. “Get your filthy hooves off of my Bleu, Insecte!”

Though her head was throbbing and though she had no idea what was going on, who was attacking Blueblood, or why she was in the castle (just to name a few things) Fleur saw that one of her best friends was in trouble. And, being Fleur de Lis, one of the greatest models in the world along with being a noblemare who prided herself on looking after her friends, especially Blueblood, a stallion that she cared about with all of her heart, there was no way she was going to let this… monster harm another hair on Blueblood’s head.

Frowning, Chrysalis looked over at Fleur, her eyes widening when she noticed that the supermodel’s eyes were crystal clear. “What?! How did—“

The Queen let out a pained shriek as a burst of magic hit her square in the face, sending her sailing through the air and down the hall. Blueblood, no longer held up by the Queen’s magic, slumped to the ground with a pained groan.

“Oh my goodness is that going to smart in the morning,” he muttered, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth.

“Bleu!” Fleur yelled, racing over and pulling Blueblood into a hug. “Que diable se passe ?! Pourquoi suis-je ici? Qui, dans le nom de Celestia est-ce? pourquoi—“

Blueblood’s eyes snapped open, tears forming in his eyes as he looked up at his friend. “F-Fleur?” he whispered. “Is that y-you? A-Are you r-really back t-to n-normal?

Fleur ran a hoof through his rat’s nest of a mane as she eyed the downed Changeling Queen. “Can you walk, mon cher? We need to—thmp!” Fleur stiffened as Blueblood wrapped his hooves around her neck, pulled her downward, and kissed her as hard as he could. Fleur’s eyes widened as she felt the Prince’s nose brushing against her nose and his lips against her’s, Fleur instinctively trying to pull herself out of his grasp.

Letting go of the mare, Blueblood let out a shaky laugh, tears now streaming down his face, as Fleur landed on her rump with a yelp. “I-I did i-it!” he said with another laugh that turned into a sob by the end. “I s-saved y-you…”

“Bleu! What in Celestia’s name has gotten into you?!” a red-faced Fleur asked, touching her lips with a hoof. “Why would you—“

Zing!

Fleur yelped as a green bolt of magic flew over her head, disintegrating a section of the ceiling. Scrambling back to her hooves, the supermodel turned toward a snarling Chrysalis, who appeared to be missing a fang and had one heck of a shiner on her left eye.

“I don’t know how you were able to break my control over you but it is no matter,” the Queen growled, her horn unleashing another spell.

Zang!

Gritting her teeth, Fleur threw up a shield, flinching as the changeling’s spell hit it full blast.

“You are no longer important to my plans, my lady, so there is no need to keep you alive any longer. So die!”

Chrysalis marched toward Fleur, her hooves leaving cracks in the floor as she strode forward firing spells and shouting curses with equal measure.

Through the bolts of deadly magic, Fleur was able to keep up her shield, but with each blast she was forced back a little further down the hall and that shield of her’s got weaker and weaker. Though the supermodel had taken a few magical defense classes she was no Shining Armor. Eventually her magic would run out and her shield would break, something that both Fleur and Chrysalis knew.

“Bleu… you need… to run,” Fleur said, her face scrunched up in concertation as sweat poured from her body. “Go and.. find the—“

Boom!

Before Fleur could finish her sentence, a bolt of white magic flew over her shoulder, somehow missing her magical shield, and flew screaming toward Chrysalis, who was forced to stop her stomping to bat the spell away.

“You will not touch her again, creature!” Out of the corner of her eye Fleur saw Blueblood step beside her, his horn glowing brightly. “I believe that we already had this conversation earlier.”

Not giving the Queen a chance to answer, Blueblood sent another bolt of magic flying toward her. Fleur, standing back up to her full height, dropped her shield and fired a spell of her own.

Hissing in outrage, Chrysalis took a step backward. “No! I will not be made a fool of by a prissy noblestallion and one who wears fancy clothes for a living! Not after all of this planning! Not after—“

Boom!

Bam!

Zing!

Boom!

BOOM!

BOOM!!!

Though Chrysalis was a Changeling Queen that had seen her fair share of combat the sheer amount of magical might that both Fleur and Blueblood sent down that hallway toward her was simply too much for her to handle in that tight of a space. By the time she managed to block a fireball or a bolt of magic there was another one right in her face; she didn’t have enough time to throw up a shield and she didn’t have time to move away from the rain of magical destruction. The only thing she could do was redirect the magic as best as she could while retreating.

“You will not—“

BOOM!

“—stop this! I swear to the Thousand-faced God that I will—“

ZING!

“—tear you both to pieces and—“

BANG!

“—tear those pieces into little pieces until—ARGH!”

It wasn’t long until the Queen of the Changelings stopped shouting threats and started to back up just a little bit faster as more and more spells were fired at her faster and faster.

A quarter of the way down the hall the Queen patiently waited for one of her opponents to slip up so that she could take advantage of the situation. These two weren’t experienced fighters; heck, the only reason why she was in this situation was because they surprised her. She was so confident in her abilities that the second one of them casted something they shouldn’t then she’d be able to turn the tide in a blink of an eye.

ZING!

BANG!

BOOM!

Halfway down the hall Chrysalis quietly wished that she had made one or two of her soldiers stay with her, all the while still waiting for either Fleur or Blueblood to mess up so she could go back on the offensive. There was still a chance that she’d be able to beat these two before the Princess came to see what all the noise was about!

Zing!

Bang

BOOM!

Having backpedaled for about two-thirds of the hallway and having to fight for her life with every inch, the Queen was starting to wonder where the heck all of her soldiers had ran off to. They should have captured Princess Luna, Princess Twilight, Princess Cadence, and Shining Armor by now! If they’d just hurry up and—

BANG!

BOOM!

—…You know what? Maybe retreat would be the best course of action at the moment; derision before valor and all of that. She could think up another plan to take over Canterlot like that! There was no need to continue what looked like a bust! She could just—

A yelp escaped the Queen’s mouth as her royal rump hit something metallic and hard. At that same moment Fleur and Blueblood’s barrage just up and stopped.

“Thou bucked up.”

Flinching, Chrysalis looked over her shoulder to see Luna, with dented and damaged weapons floating in her magical aura, Cadence and Shining, who looked a bit bruised and battered but pretty alright, and Twilight, Velvet, and Spike, all three of whom had some form of kitchen utensil, all of them dented to the point to ruin. Not a single one of these ponies looked particularly happy to see her; in fact, Velvet and Cadence both appeared to be foaming at the mouth in rage. Spike, Shining, and Twilight looked like they would be more than happy to continue where Fleur and Blueblood left off, and Luna…

…Well…

Luna just looked down at the now whimpering Queen with a shake of her head.

“Thou bucked up,” the Princess of the Night repeated, pushing the Queen away from her little group with a giant piece of metal that might have been a support beam of some kind.
Still whimpering, the Queen backed up toward the wall as Fleur, Blueblood, Luna, Twilight, Shining, Spike, Velvet, and Cadence slowly made their way toward her with murder in their eyes. The whimpering turned into a squeak as her bug butt hit the wall, effectively trapping her on all sides.

“N-Now, now,” Chrysalis said, looking at each of the stone-faced ponies. “Can’t we just t-talk about this for a moment?”

With another shake of her head, Luna tapped Chrysalis’s cheek with the hunk of metal held in her magic. Chrysalis whimpered once again, looking into Luna’s eyes to try to find something; a shred of mercy, the distaste for hitting one that didn’t fight back, something!

She found none.

“Thou bucked up,” Luna said one last time as everypony’s horns lit up brightly. “Now prepare for thy beating!”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“…That’s odd…” Celestia murmured, cracking open an eye to look up at her sun.

“What’s wrong, Celestia?” Anny murmured, not bothering to move.

“By now Luna should have tried to lower my sun or at the very least tried to contact me about it,” the Princess of the Sun said, wiggling out of Anny’s hug and getting to her hooves.

Yawning, Anny looked up at the lazily hanging sun. “Maybe she lost track of time too?”

Celestia shook her head. “No… My little sister is nothing if not punctual.” Sighing, she looked back at her date with a sad smile. “It appears that I won’t be able to spend the extra time with you like I wanted, Anny. If my sun doesn’t get set soon my little ponies might start worrying and I’d like to see if there’s anything wrong with—“

Anny’s eyes widened. Now; he needed to tell her now before she left! Come on! You can do it! Youcandoit!!!

“C-Celestia?” The human nervously interrupted. “I understand that you need to go and all of that but do you mind if I say something first before you do.”

Though she looked confused about his sudden interruption the smile didn’t leave the Princess’s face. “Oh? Well I’d be happy to hear whatever you have to tell me, my little human.”

Anny looked lost for a moment as he rocked back and forth on the ground. He bite his lip before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “You can do this… you can do this…” He muttered to himself before looking up at his date.

Celestia, now slightly concerned, placed a hoof on Anny’s shoulder. “... Is everything alright, Anny? You’re looking a little… pale.”

Anny smiled weakly. “Well… I’m going to be honest with you, Celestia I’m a bit… nervous.”

“Nervous? Whatever could you be nervous about, An—” Celestia stopped as Anny gingerly reached up and grabbed the hoof on his shoulder, holding it tightly.

“Celestia, these last few months of us getting to know each other and going on these dates and just messing around have been some of the best days of my life,” Anny said, his cheeks turning just a little red when he realized how horribly cheesy all of this was going to sound. “And I want to thank you from the very bottom of my heart that you eventually let me ask you out. Really, I mean it.”

Quietly awing, a now blushing Celestia leaned in and nuzzled the human’s cheek. “No, Anny, thank you for going the lengths you did for me even though I pushed you away at first.” With a gentle smile on her face, Celestia stroked her date’s face with a wing. “I might have thought that I was too busy for romance, and too… old, and too…well, a long list of things really. But you’ve shown me just how wrong I’ve been, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy about being so wrong.”

Her smile grew when she saw an affectionate smile making its way on Anny’s face. “So you don’t need to thank me, my wonderful, wonderful little human. You make this old mare feel a thousand years younger with all of the silly and sweet things that you do for her.” Celestia’s blush increased as she looked away from him. “In fact… one could say that you’ve been a ray of sunshine for this lonely old mare...”

Anny opened his mouth to say something else but found himself closing it as the words died in his throat. No, no more meaningless, empty words. Right now he had to say the words that were going to mean something or he may as well not say anything at all.

The nervousness that had been gripping Anny since the beginning of his date drained away in the blink of an eye. No longer was he thinking about being rejected, or not having the nerve to say what he so desperately wanted to say. All he could think of at the moment was just how beautiful the Princess looked in that sunset.

“Celestia?”

Anny’s and Celestia’s eyes met.

“Yes, Anny?”

Anny gave Celestia’s hoof a squeeze. “Now I know that we’ve only been on three dates, and if you want to say no I’d… understand, but I wanted to know if you’d… well… I was wondering if you’d do me the honor… now remember you don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to; we can still be friends or we can keep dating or whatever you want…” Gulping, Anny closed his eyes tightly. “But, Celestia, will you… be… my… marefriend?”

Anny just sat there bracing himself for the amused chuckle or the no that he had been dreading since he thought of “popping the question” as it were. His apprehension was only increased by the fact that Celestia didn’t say a word, she didn’t move, as far as Anny could tell she wasn’t even breathing at that moment.

I… I messed up didn’t I? Anny thought, terror that he had never experienced before in his young life gripping him. I did this too soon and now it’s going to be weird!

Now in full-fledged panic, Anny forced himself to open his eyes. “I’m sorry , Princess, I—thmp!”

The only warning that Anny got was Celestia roughly grabbing his shoulders before her lips crashed against his. Yelping, Anny looked at the Princess, who was so red in the face that one could mistake her for a fire hydrant (in the right light) and had her eyes clenched shut, with the fur on her muzzle tickling his neck and…

ThePrincesswaskissinghim!

Celestiawaskissinghim!

ONTHELIPS!!!!!

ONTHELIPS!!!!

Celestia held the kiss for as long as she dared (Anny not being the only one that had wanted a smooch on this date) before breaking it. Don’t you dare cry, Celestia, the Princess thought with a sniffle, wrapping her hooves around Anny’s neck and holding him close. Don’t you go and ruin this by getting too emotional… Don’t you do it...

This was supposed to be a time of celebration! Ponies weren’t supposed to cry when somepony asked them out! They were supposed to excited and happy and giggly and stuff like that! They were also supposed to say yes or no, which Celestia still hadn’t done yet.

“Yes! YES! Oh course I’d be your marefriend, Antaeus!” she yelled, her voice filled with excitement and happiness. “ YesyesyesyesYESYESYe—“ Celestia stopped her whooping and hollering when she noticed that Anny wasn’t returning her hug or yelling with her or anything. He was just kind of limply laying there, his arms splayed at his sides.

“…Anny? Is everything alright?” Celestia asked, breaking her hug to look at the obviously now unconscious Antaeus, who had a big smile on his face even while out cold.

Looking at the human, her human now she supposed, Celestia couldn’t help but chuckle. “Oh my, it appears that I may have let my excitement get the better of me,” she mused with an embarrassed giggle, nuzzling Anny’s cheek before giving him another little peck on the lips, warmth spreading all along her body as she did so. “Next time I’ll be sure to let you lead in the kissing, my little human, but right now why don’t the two of us make our way back up to the castle to see where my dear sister went off to, hum?”

Giving Anny another kiss (since they were dating she could give him all the kisses she wanted now, something that she was sure to abuse) Celestia spread out a wing, and, looking it over, she grabbed one of her primary feathers, a feather a good deal bigger than the one she had already given Anny, and plucked it out.

With a final giggle and one more kiss Celestia very carefully slipped her feather in Anny’s ear. “My little ray of sunshine…” she murmured, looking him over, love and happiness practically pouring off her while—

BOOOOOM!

Her head snapping up, Celestia watched as a green blur flew out of the castle and went screaming toward the Badlands.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

BOOM!

“…Fireworks? Why would…” Celestia’s eyes widened in revelation. “Aw, Luna must have been watching Anny and I and decided to set off some fireworks in celebration... “

Keeping an eye on the sky, Celestia carefully pulled Anny onto her back and started to make her way back toward the castle. “That was really sweet of her. Though maybe I should hurry up and stop her before she fires off anymore since it sounds like they might be defective. I could have sworn that firework sounded like it was screaming...”

Looking back at her da-- at her coltfriend, Celestia couldn't help but smile softly, warmth filling her body. "What a lovely day," she murmured, starting down the path to the castle. "What a lovely, wonderful, amazing day that me and my little sunshine had together..."

Though she couldn't see it, Anny smiled in his sleep. "Sunshine and rainbows..." he muttered, nearly falling off of his brand new girlfriend.

THE END