Knighty sighed to himself as his hind hoof shut the front door to his apartment. Making his way into the entrance room, he paused to remove the boots he had worn on the day out. While foot protection was by and large unnecessary for someone with hooves, let alone a pegasus who’d spend most of his time above the ground anyway, Knighty liked the way the dark blue complimented his coat colour. Besides which, for a pegasus, he found himself on the ground more often than expected.
As he made his way down the hallway towards the living room, the apartment ambience faded in reverse from quiet to progressively louder, until eventually Knighty reached the door at the end of the hall. The noise coming through the relatively thin wooden door sounded like a cacophonous family argument, though with only one participant. He allowed himself another sigh, this time considerably more dejected, before nudging the door open. The noise assaulted his ears doubled in volume almost instantly.
“Are you FUCKING kidding me? How hard is it to understand that five hundred words is less than a thousand? Can these ponies not count? Am I literally the mod for a site for retards?”
The rant seemed rhetorical, and addressed to nopony in particular, though several of the questions could have easily been directed at or answered by the web-host currently standing in the doorway between the hallway and living room. Knighty rolled his eyes as he watched Poultron lean closer to his computer monitor, eyes narrowing in frustration as he read the words in front of him.
“’dear famfiction modertors’… Jesus Christ… ‘i was just wondering if u could put my story up on the front page for an extra day becuz I worked so hard on it, i think it is a good story of how nyx and twilight finally learned 2 luv each other’…” Poultron paused his dramatic reading, leaning his head down and burying his face in his hooves for a moment before letting out a sound like a ferocious dying animal.
“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! How stupid are these ponies?!”
“Poultron, the neighbours keep complaining when you yell like that all day.” Knighty lowered one of his wings to drop the satchel he had carried into the apartment with him, letting it fall next to the coffee table at the side of the room. The apartment was sparsely furnished. Aside the tiny black coffee table, the living room contained a small and homely looking ugly orange couch in the corner, appearing very much as though it had been rescued from the side of the road after several years of use (or neglect). Those two pieces served as the only real ‘living accoutrements’, with the primary focus of the room being given to the giant 40” TV at the far wall, and Poultron’s desk and computer chair tucked into the side of the room just by the sliding glass window leading out to the balcony. All this, combined with a dust filled beige carpet, gave the eminent appearance that interior decoration was far from the forefront of the minds of the apartment’s owners.
“I don’t understand why you have to use the living room computer for moderation when you have a perfectly good one in your room in any case. At the very least, the extra walls might muffle your screaming…”
“This is your fault!” Poultron spun around in his chair, bright orange hair waving haphazardly against his peach coat as his motion stopped abruptly. His eyes were wide in apparent frustration, and he raised one hoof towards Knighty as he spoke. “If you’d just delete your stupid website I wouldn’t have to deal with any of these morons!”
“Poultron, you’re free to quit whenever you want. It’s not like I’m paying you to moderate the site-“
“Damn right you’re not paying me! I do this out of some stupid obligation to your dumb ass, and all these terrible stories are giving me an ulcer!”
Knighty sighed again, bowing his head and raising a hoof to his head, which he rubbed above the bridge of his nose, as though attempting to rid himself of a persistent headache. His light green hair was frazzled from an apparently less than accommodating day out, and his eyes, before they closed him, gave every indication that there was nothing he’d rather do than to simply ignore his raving room-mate and spend the rest of the night in bed.
“What exactly do you propose I do? You knew what kind of stories we’d have submitted when you signed on, and there’s no reason you have to spend all day sorting through them. The other mods-“
“The other mods don’t spend five fucking minutes on this site a day! If I don’t approve these stories, no one’s going to get them approved… which, frankly, would probably be for the best!” Poultron’s outburst cut the pegasus off again, silencing the dulcet British accent in favour of his own agitated shouting. Knighty’s accent always peaked just a little more when he was frustrated.
Knighty knew that once Poultron got going, there wasn’t a great deal he could say to defuse the situation. Usually it was better to let his ranting run its full course, exhausting the well of his frustration of its own accord. Though, he found it hard to avoid interrupting much of the time.
The air stood silent for a minute before Knighty formed the words to hopefully avert the conversation from its initial path.
“So, why don’t-“
“I’ll cum in your hair!”
Knighty blinked. What, he thought to himself. Poultron, for his part, stared straight ahead at the now-bewildered looking pegasus, eyes brimming with still furious conviction. Knighty’s tongue faltered as he attempted to collect his thoughts in the face of the homoerotic non-sequitur. He found his brain insufficient for the task.
Poultron raised himself up from the seat of his computer chair and walked across the off-white carpet towards Knighty, the beams of fading daylight illuminating his side as he did so. He paused a foot away from his room-mate. Several awkward seconds passed before he spoke.
“So, what are you making for dinner?”
The question caught Knighty off guard, but it was easier to respond to than the previous outburst. “Um, well, I was thinking I could do sort of a roast-“
“Just make pasta. Lasagna or something. And make it quick.” Poultron turned around, giving Knighty a swish of his tail right in the face as he started the walk across the living room to his private quarters.”
“What?! I don’t just have a lasagna made up, you can’t scream your head off the minute I get in the door and-“
“Fine, make linguine or something, I don’t care! Just call me when it’s done – I’ll be in my room approving your FUCKING TwiDash fics until it’s done!”
Poultron huffed his way down the second hallway and slammed the door to his bedroom. Knighty sighed for the third time just fifteen minutes since arriving home. It seemed the roughest part of the day had yet to come to pass.
He collected a deep breath before heading to the kitchen. His nostrils still held the faintest scent of orange tail. A small smile crept across his lips as he opened the nearest cupboard, getting out the container of tomato sauce in preparation for the night’s meal.
The apartment was relatively quiet for the first minutes of dinner, save for the clinking of each colt’s dishes as they ate. Knighty had prepared a large helping of Spaghetti at Poultron’s request, his own plate garnished with a small amount of sauce, while Poultron’s was loaded with more parmesan cheese than pasta, and coated in a generous helping of tomato sauce. Knighty tried his best to strike up a conversation as Poultron continued to eat.
“So, I was thinking today of a feature that might be a good idea for the site.”
Poultron gave no sign of acknowledgement, simply continuing to slurp at his noodles with a sound like a reptilian vacuum cleaner. Knighty tried to avoid giving another sigh in what seemed like a perpetual series. He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts before attempting to his train of discussion.
“One of the things a lot of users seem to be asking for-“
BA BA BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAO
Knighty fell backwards in surprise as the ear-shattering screech assaulted his ear drums, tumbling over in his chair and sending his plate of spaghetti flying before meeting it on the ground, covering himself in sauce and pasta. Shock and confusion met in a battle on his face as he looked across the table towards Poultron, who was holding an air horn between his two hooves, looking upward innocently with a strand of spaghetti dangling from his mouth.
“What?” he mumbled past the hanging noodles, giving another experimental squeeze on the air horn.
BAAAAAAAO
Knighty looked as though a somepony had just insulted his mother and put gum on the sole of his foot in the same motion. His head was shaking, hooves planted firmly on the kitchen floor. A single meatball rolled lazily over the side of his face, landing with a plop on the linoleum.
“What? What the fuck?! What on earth are you doing with that thing?” He struggled to form the question through the haze of frustrated confusion. Poultron batted his eyelashes in an almost feminine manner as he tucked the air horn away behind his chair.
“Just picked it up at the store the other day. It’s alright I suppose, not really loud enough. I just like the noise.” Poultron pushed his chair back from the table, leaving an empty plate save for the remnants of red pasta sauce. He turned towards the living room, shifting his head over his shoulder to call back to Knighty, still shaking in anger on the floor, coated in spaghetti. “You might want to hurry with the dishes, your show’s starting in ten minutes or something.”
For his part, Knighty managed to avoid smashing the chair beside him into pieces, but he did crush the meatball that had fallen nearby into a brown paste with one of his hooves. Reconciling himself to yet another trial in an already exasperating day, he sighed again, and began picking up the clumps of spaghetti that had scattered themselves on his side of the kitchen.
Knighty found Poultron waiting for him on the couch as he exited the kitchen, his brow coated in a faint sweat from the heat and work of the dish washing. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed with a nice shipfic and sleep the rest of the evening away – but Poultron was right, he did have a program coming up, and apparently one Poultron wanted to watch with him. Resignedly, he fell onto the couch with an unceremonious thump, causing the faded cushion to fold with his weight. Poultron turned to meet him as he sat. Knighty tried speaking first to avoid the inevitable insanity sure to spill from the earth-pony’s mouth.
“Look, I’ve had a long day, can I just-“
Poultron’s interruption was habitual by this point, but this time nonverbal. Knighty’s eyes widened as he felt Poultron lean into him, followed by their mouths pressing together. The shock of the sudden affection was enough to draw him away from the moment, but after a second he felt his eyes close of their own accord, basking in the warmth of kiss, and sighing as he felt Poultron’s hooves touch his shoulders. The kiss went on for longer than expected, though it had been entirely unexpected in the first place. A thin strand of saliva hung between the mouths of the two colts as they separated. Knight blinked several times, trying to collect his thoughts. Poultron, for his part, wore a completely nondescript expression, appearing entirely oblivious and innocent.
“What are you… you can’t just expect…”
“Shut up, you fag. God, you are such a pain. “Oooh, I’m Knighty, I run gay ponywords.org webfiction for shitty shipping, love and tolerate me, no paraspriting!” Poultron spit out his sarcastic imitation while wrapped his foreleg around Knighty’s back at the same time leaning forward as though to go in for another kiss. Knighty held him off with one hoof, brow scrunching in protest.
“No, look, you can’t-“
“I’ll suck your gay dick, you queer!”
Knight blinked again. Did he just say-
The thought was enough to distract him. Poultron’s mouth again met his own, this time with the gentle caress of his tongue added to the already more than enticing gesture. Knighty felt his wings flutter in futile frustration, flapping from flaccid to flourishing against the dilapidated orange couch cushions with an almost audible ‘sproing’. He let out the last in a series of sighs for the day, this one melting into Poultron’s mouth as his hooves pawed at the furniture underneath. He gasped slightly as Poultron drew back. Knighty found himself panting, again staring at Poultron’s bright green eyes as he found himself at a loss for words.
Poultron was kind enough to give the pegasus time to collect himself without interrupting, for a change.
Knighty gave a sideways nod of his head as though in disbelief that his night could be so rapidly transitioning from one extreme to the other. “So, to the bedroom then, or-“
“No, here,” said Poultron simply, grabbing Knighty with his hooves and dragging him off the couch. Knighty complied without resistance, letting himself be pulled onto the carpeted floor. Poultron turned almost as soon as Knighty was removed from the seat, planting his forelegs firmly at the back of the cushions and arching his back ever so slightly. Knighty found himself face to face with Poultron’s bright orange tail again, which he waged back and forth under Knighty’s nose, giving him another whiff before moving the appendage to the side.
“Hurry up,” was his simple insistence. “I’ve been waiting for you all day.” Poultron sighed as Knighty hesitated, and screwed his face up in annoyance. “Come on brony, love and tolerate me already!” The volume of his voice shook the walls with the force of his sarcasm.
Knighty opened his mouth as if to speak, but cut himself off before he could finish his first syllable, simply clenching his jaw shut and shaking his head from side to side. With Poultron, it was always better not to argue. In the spirit of compliance, he raised himself up on his hind legs, resting his weight on Poultron’s outstretched flank. Before he could move forward, he caught himself with Poultron’s hoof placed firmly on his own. His eyes widened, inquiring without asking an actual question. Poultron turned his head sheepishly, before managing to look back, his eyes bashfully half-opened.
“Knighty… will you say it? Please?”
“Say what now?”
Poultron grit his teeth in frustration, knowing full well Knighty was just going out of his way to get him to beg. He wasn’t about to demean himself… but he wanted to hear it. Very badly.
“Come on, you fucker! Just say it!”
The pegasus grinned to himself. He nodded, and leaned forward, placing his mouth right next to Poultron’s ear, licking his lips lightly before whispering with the sultriest accent he could muster.
“Poultron… you’ve been a naughty pony, and now someone needs to teach you a lesson.”
Poultron gave out a ‘hnnnnnnnnng’ with the force an old man undergoing a heart-attack as Knighty’s sexy British voice entered his ear-drums, and his sexy British something else entered elsewhere.
For once, Knighty didn’t particularly care if the neighbours complained about the noise that day.
An hour later, the two colts lay sprawled on the floor, their backs resting on the tattered couch as they panted together in rhythm. Knighty’s head was leaned back, staring at the ceiling as he struggled to retake his breath. Absent-mindedly, he reached a hoof up to his head, only to recoil it almost immediately.
“Oh, God, I need a shower…”
“I told you as soon as you got home, didn’t I?”
Knighty sighed, the ongoing sign that he’d rather concede any further discussion than try in vain to establish some kind of protest. He was right though, he did need a shower. Aside from a good washing of his hair, his whole body was soaked with sweat, as well as likely covered in obscene amounts of dust from the carpet he had been meaning to wash for months. If he could manage to get up, he could take a nice warm shower and still get to bed at a reasonable hour-
“Knighty, come play gam.” Poultron was tugging at his foreleg, a Playstation controller balanced on his other hoof. Knighty did a double take at the mispronunciation, but quickly separated the content of the request from its phrasing.
“No, look, I really need to clean myself up-“
“Knighty, gam!” Poultron dropped the control and grabbed Knight’s leg between both hoofs, yanking it towards the television which was already powering on. Knighty rolled his eyes, and tugged back in the other direction.
“Knighty, no! Gam!”
“Poultron-“
“No!”
“Really, I need-“
“Cut it out! Knighty!”
“Poultron-“
“KNIGHTY!”
“Gaaaaah!”
Knighty fell backwards with an exasperated sigh. Poultron knew that was his sign for victory. With a smile, he tossed the second controller in Knighty’s direction, where it landed on his exposed stomach. Knighty closed his eyes and let out a long breath before sitting up again, taking the controller in his hooves.
“Alright, one hour, but after that I need to go to bed.”
Poultron nodded absent-mindedly as he toggled through the game’s menu screen. He answered completely oblivious to Knighty’s stipulation, or rather in absolute contrast.
“I invited the gang over in an hour, so you might want to think about making drinks.” His eyes locked on the television as the match started up, both he and Knighty spawning on the battlefield with a noise like a science fiction teleporter in action.
Knighty blanched and dropped his controller, prompting the announcer to scream “FIRST BLOOD!” several seconds after.
“You what?! I have to be up early tomorrow morning! I’ve got to be up, in like, six hours-“
“You wot mate?” Poultron rebuffed in an entirely overdone attempt at a British accent, the gruff cockney gravel more different from Knighty’s than air from sky. Knighty struggled to protest.
“No, come on, this is-“
“You wot mate?”
“I’m serious! Six hours-“
“YOU WOT MATE? COR BLIMEY, I’M KNIGHTY I AM, I’VE GOTTA BE UP EARLY SO’S I CAN MAKE LOADS O’ DOSH OFF ME PONYPORN WORDSITE! CRIKEY, I’M AN ENORMOUS FAGGOT I AM!” Poultron’s eyes didn’t drift from the screen once as his British satire continued, collecting himself a number of points while Knighty’s controller lay discarded on the ground.
Knighty was baffled. He didn’t know how to respond.
After a minute, he picked up the controller again.
“I swear to God, Poultron-“
“Shut the front door!”
The announcer loudly proclaimed the end of the round with Poultron in the lead by an insurmountable score. Knighty sighed, and rested his controller on his hind legs as he stared blankly at the television screen. His eyes widened instantly as he felt Poultron’s face next to his own, giving him a second to prepare before another kiss. The two fell to the floor as the second round of the game started, both of their controllers thrown aside as the kiss continued, their eyes closed as their mouth’s pressed together in affection.
Knighty wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to this. Still, that being, the case, he might as well try to enjoy himself-
The blissful contemplation in Knighty’s head found itself shattered instantly as Poultron swung his hoof sideways, landing squarely on the air-horn beside the coffee table.
BA BA BAAAAAAAAAAAAO
