CUTIE MARK CRUSADER NECROMANCERS, YAY!

by Justice3442

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Button Mash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Horror, Random, Sex, Applejack, Gore, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 7447

Apple Bloom wants to see her parents, the Cutie Mark Crusaders want their cutie marks, so they do the the only logical thing and try to raise the dead.

Apple Bloom wants to see her parents, the Cutie Mark Crusaders want their cutie marks, so they do the the only logical thing and try to raise the dead.

Can these three amateur necromancers pull it off without bringing back something twisted and wrong or a horde of the undead?

Tagged 'Sex' for a bumper crop of farm innuendos.

Published 2014-02-08 20:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-08 20:40:04 UTC

Chapter 1

CUTIE MARK CRUSADER NECROMANCERS, YAY!

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER NECROMANCERS, YAY!"

The three quickly retracted their forehooves as they stood in Ponyville’s graveyard. The moon hung low in the sky and shone blood red, causing the headstones to cast long, ominous shadows over the well-manicured lawn, grave offerings, and three fillies.

"Alright, we got the ancient bone saber of Zumakalis," Scootaloo listed out, "The Blood Bowl of the Unclean, and Twilight let us borrow her copy of the Necronomicon... anything else?"

"Uh, virgin sacrifices?" Sweetie Belle reminded.

"Oh, right! Let's get those two into position!" Scootaloo said.

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom clamped their mouths around the ends of two tied, brown burlap sacks. Each sack seemed to contain something roughly the same size of the fillies and each bumpy mass squirmed and wriggled.  With a light green glow of Sweetie Belle’s horn, the ties at the end where undone, and Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom quickly pulled at the other end of their respective bags, dumping out a pair of terrified looking, bound and gagged fillies onto the ground.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon looked up at their captors with terrified, pleading eyes. Eyes that were ignored as Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom hooked their arms under the struggling fillies and dragged them towards a large, open grave. A metal shovel peaked up over the edge of the freshly dug hole. It shoved dirt out and glinted red in the moonlight as it rhythmically exited and entered the opening in the ground.

 Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon attempted to scream through the gags in their mouth.

"Whouldja stop wigglin' so much?" Apple Bloom asked. "It'll all be over soon!"

"Well, not the eternal torment from demons," Scootaloo corrected, "I mean... that's gotta last like... for at least a week or two."

"Well of course, that will take a while," Sweetie Belle agreed.

The two tied fillies put into position, the Cutie Mark Crusaders nodded in satisfaction.

Tears poured out of the beseeching eyes of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They continued to strain against their bonds and attempted to shout muffled pleas out of the rags tied around their heads and shoved into their mouths.

Apple Bloom regarded the disheveled looking panicked looking pair with a touch of sympathy. “Cheer up girls! Yer grisly deaths are for a good cause!” she said with a smile.

Scootaloo nodded, “Yep! Bring back the Apple family parents!”

“I’m gonna see my Ma and Pa, finally!” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “I’m so excited!”

The group paused as a loud ‘thump’ was heard from the hole.

“Got it!” the voice of a young colt called out. With that, the shovel was tossed out of the hole and a dirt covered, brown forehoof extended out of it.

Sweetie Belle walked over to the hole and reached her arm down. The brown arm hooked around hers and she backed up. A green propeller attached to a beanie emerged, quickly followed by the brown colt with reddish brown hair who was wearing it.

“Nice work, Button,” Sweetie said to the colt.

Button Mash flashed the white unicorn a goofy smile. “Hour and hours of Minecraft,” he joked.

“Well, we better get killin’,” Scootaloo said. “These two are going to bleed themselves dry.”

Diamond Tiara continued to  fight the gag in her mouth, managing to successfully move it enough to talk. “PLEASE! YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS! WE WON’T MAKE FUN OF YOU ANYMORE! WE’LL STOP CALLING YOU BLANK FLANKS! WE PROMISE!”

Apple Bloom walked up and shoved the rag back into place, “Sorry girls, but this ain’t about bullying.”

“Well, it’s a little about bullying,” Sweetie Belle corrected.

“Alright, so it’s a little about bullinyin’,” Apple Bloom admitted. “But it’s mostly so ah can finally meet my parents.”

“And get our cutie marks,” Sweetie Belle added.

“Well, I jus’ thought that was obvious…” Apple Bloom said.

“Welp,” Scootaloo said as she took the bone saber into her hand, “we better get stabbing.” She nudged a crude, stone bowl into place between the terrified looking fillies and raised the sword high above her head.

“WAIT!” Sweetie Belle cried.

Scootaloo turned “What is it?”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Sweetie Belle asked.

Scootaloo paused, “Oh, right! The words… uh… Klaatu Barada N… erm…”

“Don’t tell me you forgot!” Apple Bloom exclaimed

Sweetie Belle smacked a forehoof against her face, “She forgot.”

“No! Wait… I got this!” Scootaloo insisted. “Necktie!”

“I don’t think that was it,” Apple Bloom said.

“…Neckturn?” Sweetie Belle insisted.

“Wait, you forgot the words, too?!” Apple Bloom exclaimed.

“Well, I don’t see you offering anything!” Sweetie Belle retorted.

“…Nickle?” Apple Bloom suggested.

“…Well… that sounds exotic enough…” Sweetie Belle replied.

“It’s an ‘N’ word, it’s definitely an ‘N’ word!” Scootaloo said. “Oh wait, I know… Klaatu…Barada… N--” Scootaloo suddenly raised a forehoof to her mouth and attempted her most convincing coughing. She paused.

“Great idea, Scootaloo!” Apple Bloom exclaimed.

“Yeah! I’m sure that’ll placate those dark spirits,” Sweetie Belle added cheerily.

“Okay then…” Scootaloo said to no pony in particular, “that’s it!” She raised the saber above her head again as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon looked up at her with watery, scared eyes.

“STOOOOOP!” Button cried.

Scootaloo sighed and lowered the bone saber, “Oh, what now?”

“This is wrong!” Button insisted.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders exchanged frowns and looked back at Button.

“Button… we’re sorry but it’s the only way…” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah, I mean… we don’t want to kill these two…” Scootaloo said.

“Well, we want to kill them a little bit,” Sweetie Belle corrected.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes, “Okay, fine. Yeah, we want to kill them a little bit.”

“But we wouldn’t be doing this if there was another way,” Apple Bloom insisted.

Button shook his head, “No, I mean… you can’t just cough out the last word and expect everything to work out okay,” Button said, adding, “that’s how you get skeletons! Also, it’s ‘Klaatu Barada Nikto’. You’re also not supposed to stab with a saber, you’re supposed to slice with it.” Button stated as he made a cutting motion over his own neck with an arm.

The three fillies exchanged quick glances with each other and smiled.

“Uh, Button?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Would you like to carry out the ritual sacrifice?”

Apple Bloom nodded in agreement as Scootaloo walked up to the brown colt and held out the bone saber handle first.

Button looked at the saber, then back up to the girls, “Out of all the things you three have dragged me into, this is by far the best.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders grinned as Button leaned his face forward and grabbed the saber in his mouth. He turned to the still squirming girls and trotted over.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon attempted one last round of muffled begging as Button stood up on his hind legs and took the sword into his hooves.

Button held the sword horizontally, “Don’t worry girls. I’m not a necromancer but I’ve played one in video games!” He said cheerily. “Klaatu…Barada…Nikto.”

There was large roar like rolling thunder in the distance. With that, Button brought the blade up to his victim’s necks.

Applejack woke to the sound of a rooster cry as sunlight poured into her bedroom and flooded the rustic room with light. She slowly opened her eyes and sat up in bed as she let her vision adjust to the bright room. She sniffed the air and smiled. Why, that smells like a whole mess of baked apple fritters. Granny Smith must have gotten up early and made breakfast for everypony.

A wide grin started from the center of the orange ponies mouth and made its way to the sides of her face. Ain’t that a nice surprise? Applejack threw off her purple bedspread, hopped to the hardwood floor, and glanced over to her hat which was set on a peg in the wall. She trotted over to her hat, leaned up on her blacklegs, and placed the wide brimmed cowboy hat on her head.

Applejack pushed open her door and stepped into the hallway, making her way towards and then down the stairs. The strong smell of fried apples and dough permeated through every corner of the large barn/home, luring the orange pony onwards with the promise of a tasty breakfast. She trotted towards the dining area where a large plate of apple fritters greeted her.

Her grin widened as she made her way to the table and took one of the fresh pastries into a hoof. Steam still wafted up from the small, brown apple fritter as Applejack blew on it a couple times and took a bite.

“Well, good mornin’ Applejack!” A deep, cheery voice called out.

“Mornin’ daughter.” A husky, feminine voice said.

“Mwornin’ Ma, Pa…” Applejack said through a mouthful of fritter. Her eyes suddenly shot open and she spat out the food in her mouth. She turned to face the source of the voices.

A filthy, mud caked earth pony in a rotting cowboy hat and rotting shirt, and an equally filthy earth pony mare smiled warmly at Applejack as she stared on in disbelief.

“WHAT IN SAM HILL IS GOIN’ ON HERE?!” Applejack exclaimed.

The two dirty earth ponies exchanged smiles and looked back at Applejack.

“Surprise!” The stalion said, “We’ve dun been dug up and brought back to life!”

The mare nodded, “Eeyup!”

“Now, quite your gawking and give your Ma and Pa a big ol’ hug!” the stallion said.

Surprise gave way to anger as Applejack narrowed her eyes at the two ponies, “Ah don’t believe this! APPLE BLOOM!” Applejack bellowed, “Git yer grave digging buns down here and explain yerself!”

“Hey now,” the stallion protested, “yer sister was up mighty late diggin’ and celebratin’ with us! You should let her rest.”

“Eeyup,” the mare said with a nod.

Applejack leveled an accusatory forehoof at the two ponies, “Now just what in the hay did you two do to her!”

The stallion sighed, “Sorry Ma, you were right. I shoulda watched the swearing more when we were raisin’ our daughter…”

The mare cocked an eyebrow at the stallion, “Eeyup.”

“Applejack,” an aged mare’s voice rang out, “why are ya shoutin’ loud enough to wake the dead?!”

“They’re already awake!” Applejack shouted back.

“They are?!” the voice replied, “Well for Celestia’s sake, child! Why didn’t you say so in tha first place! I’ll be right down!”

Applejack turned back to the two ponies and glowered at them, “Yer in for it now! Granny Smith will know what to do with ya!”

The stallion sighed, “Applejack, yer making a mighty big scene here first thing in the mornin’, why don’t you jus’ sit and enjoy some apple fritters!”

“’Cause they’re probably corrupted with evil!” Applejack responded.

The stallion glanced at the mare to his side, “Didja put any evil ingredients in the fritters, Ma?”

“Eenope,” the mare responded shaking her head.

The stallion looked back at Applejack, “Well, that makes the both of us.”

“Oh, like Ah’ll be fooled that easy!” Applejack said.

The pair of filthy ponies sighed and shook their heads.

“Appleseed! Cortland!” Granny Smith exclaimed as she walked into the room, “Yer back!”

The filthy mare smiled, “Mornin’, granny.”

The stallion erupted in a huge belly laugh, “Why Ma! As I live and breathe…” the stallion paused and tapped a forehoof against his chin, “…again!” he added. “You don’t look a day over fifty!”

Granny Smith’s face flushed as she tried to conceal a smile with a forehoof, “Oh, son, you always knew how to make me smile! You haven’t changed one bit! Let Granny come over there and give you both a big ol’ hug.”

“Now hold on there!” Applejack cried as she galloped in between her Grandma and her ‘parents’.

“Gracious child, what’s gotten into you?!” Granny Smith asked.

“Dagnabbit, Granny! Can’t you see these two are twisted shells of their former selves?” Applejack said as she motioned out to the pair of ponies claiming to be her parents.

Granny Smith peered around her granddaughter and gave the two ponies behind her a good lookin’ over, “Well, they’re a tad on the dirty side, sure! And your Pa could most assuredly do with a new hat and shirt. But jus’ cause some pony is dirty don’t mean we hafta treat them like the walking dead.”

“They ARE the walkin’ dead!” Applejack replied.

“Former dead!” Cortland corrected.

Appleseed nodded, “Eeyup.”

“Though, I dare say our weary daughter has a point,” Cortland said as he turned to his wife. “In all the commotion of bakin’ and getting’ to see our family again, we dun forgot to clean all the grave filth off us.”

Appleseed raised her arms up and looked over her muddy and matted hair. “Eeyup,” she said with a nod.

Cortland gave his wife a wry smile and elbowed her in the ribs lightly, “Ah say, why don’t we go head down and wash the muck and grime offa each other in the ol’ bathtub, maybe our dear daughter will be less suspectful of our return, then.”

Appleseed’s bright green eyes slowly drifted to meet her husband’s fiery orange ones and a grin slowly spread across her face, “Ah reckon that’s a good idea.”

The two raised arms and hooked them together, as they began trotting towards the stairs.

“Now hold on there!” Applejack said. “I don’t need you two creatin’ evil in the family bathroom!”

Cortland raised an eyebrow, “Evil? Why, we’re married. Nothin’ evil ‘bout what we’re gonna do.”

Appleseed looked at her husband with half-closed, sultry eyes, “Eeyup.”

“Wait…” Applejack’s lower jaw seemed to unhinge itself as she processed her ‘father’s’ words, “You mean you two are goin’ to have relations?!”

“Now jus’ let the bees out of yer bonnet there, Applejack,” Cortland replied, “Yer Ma and I haven’t churned butter in over eight years.”

Applejack cringed, and pulled her lips and eyebrows to the left side of her face, “Alright, damned or not, I really wished I coulda gone my whole life without havin’ to hear my Pa say that.”

“Oh, don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud, Applejack. Ya were conceived in that ther’ bathtub,” Cortland said.

“EW!” Applejack placed her forehooves over her ears, “Now why’d you have to go and tell me somethin’ like that! Showers will never be the same!”

“Well, it’s tha truth!” Cortland said. “Ya know we always told you to be truthful…” Cortland turned back to his wife. “Speaking of stick-in-the-mud…” he purred with a mischievous grin.

“ARG! NO! WHY?!” Applejack wailed as she dove to the floor and tried to cover her ears with her hat.

Appleseed just smiled and shook her head as her husband walked her up the stairs.

Granny Smith looked down at the orange mare and shook her head. “Applejack,” she said in a chastising tone, “ya really oughta loosen tha strings on yer banjo there.”

Applejack remained on the floor and motioned towards the direction her ‘parent’s’ had just walked off in, “How can Ah be calm when my parents are out walkin’ about outside their final resting place! T’aint natural!”

“Ah was talkin’ ‘bout your Pa plowing yer Ma’s field.”

“Stop it Granny!” Applejack pleaded, “Ah’m already gonna have to drink a barrel’s worth of cider just to cleanse my memory of the last few minutes!”

“Now see, that’s exactly what I’m talkin’ about!” Granny Smith said as she pointed a forehoof at Applejack. “Ya should be so lucky that yer Ma and Pa can keep ther’ passionate screams to a dull roar. Me and yer grand-pappy would practically scream the whole house down when we went at it like jack-rabbits in heat!”

Applejack covered her face with her cowboy hat and began to sob uncontrollably, “Whoua…heuh…heuh… I think Ah might just have to mainline a barrel of cider to get that image out of mah head…”

“What image?” a young filly’s voice asked.

Applejack turned and lifted her hat enough to expose a single eye and glanced up at her younger sister.

“And what’s with all the hootin’ and hollerin’?” Apple Bloom asked, “Ya woke me up.”

“YOU!” Applejack cried as she rose to her hooves, “Yer inna messa trouble, young filly!”

“But…” Apple Bloom began to protest.

“No ‘but’s!” Applejack replied. “When you asked to borrow the shovels last night, Ah specifically asked ya if ya ment to unbury and raise tha dead, and ya said ‘No’.”

“But I wanted to see Ma and Pa!” Apple Bloom replied.

“Well, that’s one thing! But I’m more upset that you lied to me!”

“I had to, Applejack! You never woulda let me borrow them shovels if I told ya what I was really gonna do!”

“Tha young filly has a point, Applejack,” Granny Smith said. “You were always a might bit squeamish about the whole rasin’ the dead thing.”

Applejack furrowed her brow and wheeled around to level an accusing glare at her grandma, “So, let me guess… yer the one who put her up to his in the first place!”

“We’ll, I had ta!” Granny Smith insisted, “Big McIntosh and ya could never stop yer blubbering when I told you to fetch a couple of yer little friends for the sacrifice! And I couldn’t work a bone saber with my arthritis!”

Applejack’s eyes suddenly shot open wide as horrible realization assaulted her already bruised, battered, and just plan traumatized psyche. She galloped to her little sister and placed her forehooves on the yellow filly’s shoulders.

“Oh, Apple Bloom, tell me you didn’t!”

“Didn’t what?” Apple Bloom responded in suprise.

“Tell me you didn’t sacrifice Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle!”

“What?!” Apple Bloom replied in a shocked tone.  “No! Of course Ah didn’t! Why the heck would Ah sacrifice my best friends?!”

Applejack breathed a sigh of relief then quickly knitted her brow and scrunched her lips together, “Wait… if ‘twernt them, then who…?”

“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.”

“Phew…” Applejack exclaimed as she wiped an arm over her brow, “Ah mean… killin’ is wrong, even if the people ya do it to have no redeeming qualities what-so-ever!”

“But they do nothing but walk around and bully other foals!” Apple Bloom protested, “Ah mean… that’s literally jus’ about the only thing they do with their free time! And they tried to get us to throw the Flag Bearers competition to the Equestria games by exploitin’ Scootaloo’s handicap. Ah mean, there’s gotta be a line somewhere! ”

“Well… I mean… that’s mighty reprehensible… evil almost…” Applejack admitted, “… but still!”

“Applejack,” Granny Smith said in a reprimanding tone as she slowly walked over to her granddaughters, “can’t ya jus’ be happy yer parents are back?”

“Maybe I would be,if it weren’t for the fact that they’re just damnable shades of their former selves!”

“What?” Apple Bloom said. “Ma and Pa have been really nice! They’ve done nothin’ but be happy and hug everypony! Not ta mention the heapin’ ton of bakin’ they’ve been doin’!”

“Yeah well, Pa used to…” Applejack paused and wracked her brain, attempting to find a peculiarity in the behavior of the stallion she had just met, “Ah mean, Ma would barely…” she crinkled her brow and tried to stare up at it, as if an example of the mud caked mare acting out of order was written on her forehead. “… ’Taint natural!” she reasoned, having given up on providing any solid evidence to support her side.

Apple Bloom narrowed her eyes at her older sister, “Don’tcha ever get tired of being wrong all the time?”

“Sometimes…” Applejack admitted sheepishly. She paused and narrowed her eyes, “Hey! Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute! I was right ‘bout them Flim Flam brothers!”

“Oh geez, one time!” Apple Bloom said.

Granny Smith sighed, “All this yellin’ is makin’ me mighty hungry.” She looked over to the pile of apple fritters and licked her lips, “Think I’ll have onena them tasty lookin’ fritters.”

“Granny, no! They’re probably laced with evil and will make the guts rot right outta ya!”

“Ulg…” Button  Mash uttered as he hugged his stomach, his trademark hat notably absent. “I think my guts are gonna rot right outta me.”

“Ew, gross, Button!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “Though, I kinda know what you mean…” She moaned out as she also clutched her stomach tightly.

The two led mere feet from each other in a bright field at Sweet Apple Acres, a plethora of various baked and fried apple good surrounded the two. Many with several large bites taken out of them.

“Wait a minute…” Scootaloo said as she sat on her hunches a few yards away from her two friends, “you watched Button slit the throats of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon and drain their blood into a sacrificial bowl, and you’re complaining about him talking about guts?!”

Sweetie Belle glanced up at the orange pegasus. “Well…guts are icky!” she replied.

“So is ritual sacrifice!” Scootaloo shot back.

“She’s got a point, Sweetie Belle,” Button said.

“Alright fine… I retract my previous statement…” Sweetie Belle huffed out. “Hey,” Sweetie Belle said as she glanced over at Scootaloo, “why aren’t you doubled over in pain?”

“Uh, d’uh!” Scootaloo replied. “I know when I’m full and when to stop eating!”

“But it’s all soooo goooood!” Button whined.

Sweetie Belle nodded, “It really is.”

“That’s it,” Button stated, “I’m going in for another bite!”

“Button, NO!” Sweetie Belle cried.

Scootaloo just rolled her eyes.

“I’m sorry Sweetie Belle, I have to…I can’t let good food like this go to waste,” Button strained as he reached his hoof out for a half-eaten piece of apple pie and slowly brought it towards his mouth.

“No Button! We have to stop.”

“I’m sorry, Sweetie Belle… but a colts gotta do what a colt’s gotta do,” Button took a large bite out of the pie, laboriously chewed it, and forced the arduous task of swallowing it.  Button’s eyes opened wide as his pupils shrank to tiny dots drowning in a sea of liquid amber, “Oh no… I think… that’s going to be it for me…”

“What?! It?!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed in a panicky tone. “What do you mean by ‘it’?!” she shrieked as she shimmied to Button’s side.

“I’m sorry Sweetie Belle… I’m…” Button gulped, “I’m fading here…”

Sweetie Belle raised herself slightly and reached an arm over Button’s chest. She propped herself up so she could look down at the young, brown colt, her hoofs on either side of him. “No…” she uttered, her voice barely a whisper.

Scootaloo smacked a forehoof against her face, “Oh brother, you two were made for each-other!”

“Remember…” Button said, his voice getting quieter and quieter, “Remember that I lived as few men dared to dream!”

Sweetie Belle bit her lower lip as tears welled up in her emerald colored eyes. She nodded uttering a squeaky, “Uh-huh…”

Button closed his eyes, splayed his limbs out in all directions, and uttered a quiet, “Bleh.”

“BUTTOOOOON! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sweetie Belle cried as she buried her face in the colt’s chest and began wailing in heart wrenching sobs that wracked her entire body.

“Wouldja calm down?” Scootaloo said.

Sweetie Belle shot the orange pegasus an angry, tearful glare, “YOU CALM DOWN!”

“I am calm!” Scootaloo replied as she motioned to herself with her forehooves.

“OH… sniff…” Sweetie Belle uttered a few more miserable moans, “whuoaahaaa…well… uncalm down! Button’s…dea… BUTTON’S DEAD!” Sweetie Belle wailed.

“Oh my gosh! He so isn’t!” Scootaloo replied. “He just ate too much pie!”

“He’s DEAD!” Sweetie Belle said, either ignoring or not hearing Scootaloo, “He’s dead…” she said in a whisper, “…and I never got to tell him that I… that I la…that I lo…”

“Hi, Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie Belle turned towards Button’s face as a dazzling smile obliterated the sorrowful expression on her watery face. “Button! You’re still alive!” she exclaimed as she leaned forward and embraced the colt.

“Oof…” Button uttered as the white unicorn enthusiastically wrapped her arms around him. Slightly confused, Button Mash returned the affection, “Yeah, sorry about that… I think I slipped into some sort of sugar coma for a little bit.”

“YOU SEE?!” Scootaloo exclaimed.

Sweetie Belle wiped the tears from her eyes, “Oh, it’s alright…”

“So… uh…” Button began, “Tell me what?”

Sweetie Belle propped herself back up and looked down at Button with large, nervous eyes. “Uh… tell you what, what?”

“Erm… you were saying something about never getting to tell me something…”

“OH! Right…” Sweetie Belle replied, “Well… erm… I mean… what I was going to say was that I never got to tell you that I lo… load… erm…loaded my saved game…” Sweetie Belle mumbled at as she plastered a large, fake smile on her face, “…and played Mega Mare 3 again…” Good job me! A+

“Wait…” Button paused and thought about this, “Mega Mare 3 uses a password system for saving progress.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes widened slightly and she pursed her lips. DANGIT!

“OH MY GOSH!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “That’s it, I’m outie!” she declared as she stood up and walked to her scooter. “Trying to figure out if I can fit a whole hoof in my mouth is better than watching you two work out your not-quite-coltfriend-fillyfriend garbage!” she announced as she rolled her eyes. “Speaking of garbage, I’m gonna root through the cans by Rainbow Dash’s house and see if she’s discarded any more loose hair.” Scootaloo gave her friends a quick salute as pushed a helmet onto her head, “Later, nerds!”

Button Mash and Sweetie Belle stared blankly as Scootaloo zipped off on her scooter towards Ponyville.

“Sweetie Belle?”

“Yeah, Button Mash?”

“I know the last twenty four hours have been pretty out there, but that was creepier than any of it, wasn’t it?”

Sweetie Belle nodded, “Definitely.”

“Button Mash! Explain yourself!” A feminine voice called as a long shadow cast over the two foals.

Button Mash and Sweetie Belle cringed and looked up into the narrow, irate eyes of Button’s mother. The light tan mare held aloft Button’s striped, propeller beanie. A reddish brown blotch stained one of the sides.

Sweetie Belle quickly scrambled off the young colt and sat on her haunches, looking up fearfully at Love Tap.

Button Mash, likewise sat on his haunches and looked up at his mom, “Hi, mom.”

“Don’t you ‘hi, mom’ me, mister! I found this”—Love tap shook the hat about—“in the laundry! Care to explain?”

“Well… it’s not my blood,” Button asserted.

Love Tap rolled her eyes, “Obviously! That’s not the point! Were you out performing ritual sacrifices,” Love Tap glanced at the ground around the young foals, “and eating apple pies all night?!”

“Well… not all night…” Button said sheepishly.

“Don’t get pedantic! You’re in a lot of trouble!”

Button’s ear’s flopped down around his head, his eyes teared up, and he pursed his quivering lips.

Sweetie Belle looked at the ground and uttered, “It’s not his fault…”

“Oh?” Love Tap relied as she adjusted her focus to the white unicorn.

Sweetie Belle nodded, “My friends and I wanted to get our cutie marks in necromancy…”

Love Tap nodded, “As you do…”

“…and we sorta dragged Button Mash along with us so he could help dig up Apple Bloom's parents.”

“Wait!” Love Tap exclaimed, “You all resurrected the dead?!”

Sweetie Belle winced, “Yeah…”

“Oh my word… Button, did they say the words exactly right before the sacrifice?!” Love Tap asked in a panicky tone.

“No mom…” Button replied.

“WHAT?! But that’s how…”

“Yes mom, I know. ‘That’s how you get skeletons’,” Button replied rolling his eyes. “I said the words.”

Love Tap breathed a sigh of relief as the stress started to drain out of her body, “Good boy, you two had me worried there for a second. Wait… who were the sacrifices?”

“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,” Button Mash informed.

“…Those two fillies who would bully the four of you non-stop?” Love Tap asked.

Button Mash nodded, “Yep!”

Love Tap smiled and held out a forehoof, “Awesome! Good choice!”

Button Mash smiled and gave his mom’s hoof a light bump with his own.

“…Wait, you’re not mad?!” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Well, you all succeeded, I take it?” Love Tap replied.

Button and Sweetie Belle nodded.

“Then there was at least adult supervision,” Love Tap reasoned, “after the resurrection, that is…” She gave her son a stern look, “But you still should have told me you were going to be out most the night.”

“Sorry mom…” Button said as he looked at the ground.

“It’s okay, sweetie. I just get worried about you…”

Sweetie Belle looked up at Love Tap quizzically, “I gotta say, you’re being a lot more understanding about this than I would have thought.”

Love Tap smiled at the white unicorn and shrugged, “I have some experience here, you see Button…”

“No, mom! Don’t tell her!” Button pleaded.

Love Tap smirked at her son, “Fine, you tell her.”

“But it’s dead embarrassing!” Button whined.

“Either I tell her or you tell her, take your pick.”

Button folded his arms, puffed his cheeks out and uttered an annoyed, “Fine…” He mumbled something inaudible under his breath.

“What?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“I said, ‘I electrocuted myself to death in the bath when I was five’, okay?!” The colt said irritably.

“What?!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, “You actually died before?!”

“Oh, that’s not even the best part,” Love Tap said with a huge grin on her face, “Go on…tell her what you electrocuted yourself with...”

Button paused and glared off into the distance, “A video game system… “

“Wait… you like… manage to kill yourself by taking your Joy Boy into the bathtub?”

Love Tap snickered then quickly erupted in laughter, “KsshhhehehHAHAHAHA…NO! It’ wasn’t a portable system.”

Button’s face flushed crimson as he continued to glare off into the distance.

“No…” Sweetie Belle uttered in disbelief.

“YES!” Love Tap assured. “It was an entire console he had plugged into the wall and everything! He tried to balance it on the edge of the tub and it fell in! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Sweetie Belle’s lips began to tremble, she too found herself giggling then erupting in high pitched laughter, “AhahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my gosh! I can totally seeing him doing that!”

Button Mash turned back to his mom with a sullen look on his face, “Then what happened?”

“HAHAhahahehe…” Love Tap quickly reeled in her laugher and looked down at her son nervously, “Well… you died… and I brought you back, of course…”

“Aaaaand?” Button said, cocking an eyebrow at his mother.

“I er… may have said the words incorrectly…” Love Tap admitted sheepishly.

“Let me guess, it was the ‘N’ word?” Sweetie Belle offered.

Love Tap nodded, “It just sorta slipped my mind…”

“It’s ‘Nikto’!” Button reminded. “How is that hard to remember?!”

Love Tap rolled her eyes and continued, “Anyhow, our old town was soon overrun by the undead, so we moved here.”

“Oh…” Sweetie Belle replied, “Did uh… did Button Mash come back different?”

Love Tap scratched her chin with a forehoof and gave this some thought, “Well, he started consorting with dark demonic powers after that…”

Button Mash sat in his dim room, wearing a black cloak that covered the colt’s body, limbs, and head. Light flickered from a series of candles arranged on a series of intricate lines and circles and casted a soft glow on a pile of fresh viscera heaped neatly in a pile at the center of the dancing lights. Brightly colored flashes emanated from a small screen behind the colt, causing the black hood to cast a dark shadow over his face.

“Demon Prince of Hell,” Button said, “First King of the Power of the East Ba’al, I summon thee to this plane.”

The candles suddenly burned with a red flame as black smoke poured from the tiny fires and coalesced into a swirling cloud over the various organs which began to rise and arrange themselves into a series of oblong shapes. Skin and hair formed over the mass, followed by teeth, eyes, and ears. Three heads soon became distinguishable, the head of a cat, a frog, and a man with tight skin on his face and a large, thin nose, and pointed ears. A gold, jewel encrusted crown sat atop the man’s head. Finally, several sets of hairy spider legs jutted out from the mass of flesh. The demon, little more than the heads and legs, stood up.

The mouth on the human’s head opened. “The tithe and payments have been accepted,” it growled out in a low, hoarse, somewhat gravelly voice that seemed to echo with a low, tortured moan as he finished his sentence. “What is your bidding?”

Button pulled his hood back revealing his face and propeller beanie, he pointed to the screen in the corner of the room. “I’m stuck!” he explained.

Ba’al glanced over at the screen, “Ahhhh, yes…The carnival level, many a young foal has sold his soul for the secret to this… Move the blue one to the bouncing cylinder.

Button turned to the screen and picked up a controller, “Right, I did that.”

“Yes,” the demon continued, “now go up and down.”

“No, you see…” A high pitched tone rang from speakers as Button pressed a button on his controller, “…I tried that, already.”

“I meant, press up and down on the ‘D’ pad,” Ba’al informed as he raised a spider leg and waved it up and down.

“Ooooooh!” Button uttered as he complied, “Thanks Mr. Prince of Hell.”

“Of course… uh… you still have me for like… a few hours here,” the demon said. “Was there anything else?”

Button shrugged, “Nope.”

“Erm… any enemies that you need me to attack with my sixty demons?”

“Naw.”

“… Want me to make you invisible?”

“I’m good.”

Light poured into the room as Button Door opened.

“Button?” Love tap called out, “I heard voices and--Oh! Hello!”

Ba’al raised a spider leg and tipped his crown at the light tan mare. “Ma’am,” he greeted.

“Button! You didn’t tell me you were summoning a demon!” Love Tap said in a chastising tone.

“Sorry mom, I just got stuck on a level,” Button explained.

Love Tap sighed, “Alright, well ask next time!”

“Sure, mom,” Button replied without looking up from his game.

Love Tap looked over at Ba’al, “So uh…can I get you anything? Anything to eat? Drink?”

“Do you have any blood drained from the innocent or eyes harvested from those that have seen what they should have not?”  Ba’al asked.

“Hmmm, I’ll have to check the fridge,” Love Tap replied as she turned and exited the room.

As she left, Ba’al followed the mare with all three heads and all six eyes then looked back to the young, video game playing colt, “Dude, your mom is hot.”

Button’s eye merely twitched in response.

“…but I’m not sure if that was the resurrection or just because we’ve always had a copy of the Necronomicon on hand after that incident,” Love Tap finished.

“So… Button is completely normal?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Well, not completely,” Love Tap said. “Here…” she placed the bloodstained beanie on her son’s head, the green propeller immediately began to spin as the hat made contact with the young foal.

“Oooooh…” Sweetie Belle uttered.

Button Mash glanced up at his hat, “Yeah, we’re not sure why it does that…”

“Well lookie ther’, Ma! The farm is still bustlin’ with visitors!”

Love Tap, Button Mash, and Sweetie Belle turned as an orange stallion with a grey mane wearing a white hat and shirt approached with a red mare with braided blond hair and a gold choker around her neck.

Apple Bloom followed the pair with a big smile and a happy trot. Applejack also pursued with a glazed look in her eyes and a clumsy awkwardness in her gait.

Love Tap smiled warmly, “Good morning! You must be Apple Bloom's parents!”

Appleseed smiled and nodded.

Cortland chuckled and tipped his hat, “Sure as shootin’! And you must be that adorable little scamp Button Mash’s mother.”

Love Tap giggled. “Guilty!” she said.

“Why, yer as pretty as a sunflower in full bloom,” Cortland said.

Love Tap smiled and blushed, raising a forehoof to her face, “Goodness, Apple Bloom, you never told me your father was such a charmer.”

 Appleseed smiled and rolled her eyes, “Eeyup.”

“Well, Ah didn’t even meet my father ‘til last night,” Apple Bloom pointed out.

“Hic…Howdy, Button Mom,” Applejack said as she awkwardly trotted up to the light tan mare, “Ah don’t t’ink evera had the pleasssure, of meetin’ yaaah…” she slurred out.

“Uh... Hi...” Love Tap gave the drunk mare an unsure smile, “Your Apple Bloom's older sister, I take it?”

“Eeeyuup!” Applejack said as she nodded her head up and down, rocking her body back and forth with the motion, “I’m as pleeesasseeed as a worm in a messa rotten apples to make yer acquwaisesance…”

 Love Tap raised an eyebrow as her ears flopped around her head, “What?”

Cortland chuckled, “Oh don’t mind her, she’s been hitting the cider pretty hard since Ma and I got back.”

Love Tap nodded, “I suppose it’s quite the adjustment having you two raised from the dead.”

“Oh, I’mma okay with that now...” Applejack asserted. “I drunk to forget sometin’ else entirelyeee…but I plum forgot what it was! So it musta worked!”

“Ya were getting’ all flummoxed ‘cause you didn’t want to hear about me watering your Ma’s crops,” Cortland reminded.

Applejack frowned. “Oh, right… anypony have a syringe?” she asked. “And maybe some 90 proof grain alcohol?”

Love Tap chuckled softly to herself, “I understand, Button gets the same way when I talk about playing with his father’s joystick.”

“EW! MOM! WHY?!” Button cried as placed his forehoves into his ears.

“Hey, waita minute…” Applejack muttered. “Ah haven’t sheeeen Big McIntosh all morning!”

“He’s right over yonder…” Apple Bloom said, pointing off into a field.

The big red stallion laid belly up surrounded by a dozens of baked goods with a number of bites taken out of them. He raised a pie up and laboriously brought it to his face, “Must… eat… more… pie…”

Cortland glanced at his wife, “I dun told you we made too many pastries for the chillun’!”

Appleseed sighed and nodded, “Eeyup…”

“Wait…” Sweetie Belle said, “So aside from innuendo derived trauma and overeating, there were absolutely no consequences for raising the dead?!”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “I guess not! Looks like I get my parents back and everyone’s happy!” she said with a smile.

In a rocky, cavernous land of shadow, a tortured cry echoed in the darkness, joining the endless chorus of screams and moans in this desolate and unforgiving land lit only by burning fires and lava flows that casted a flickering red glow over the jagged landscape, brutal tormentors, and wretched victims.

A whip cracked loudly against the reddened back of a pink haired pony, and the voice gave another sorrowful cry, “WhouaaaaaaHouaaaaHouaaa!”

“Geez! You call that whipping?!” Diamond Tiara demanded. “This has got to be your first day!”

A large, muscular demon with claws at the end of each hand, cloven feet, leather bat wings, and a mouth that was mostly made of razor sharp teeth sobbed bitter tears as it pulled back its giant bullwhip. It quickly flicked it onto the back of the irritated filly again.

“CRACK!”

“Seriously,” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, “you’re actually getting worse at this!”

“WhouaaaaaaHouaaaaaaHouaaaaaa!” the demon cried.  It wiped a giant, muscular forearm across its eyes and cried out, “MOOOOOOMMYEEEEEE!” as it sprinted off into the endless depths of caves and tortured souls.

Diamond Tiara shook her head and sighed, “Amateur…” She glanced over towards another filly that was buried to her neck in red hot coals, “How are the coals of excruciatingly hot torment, Silver Spoon?”

“They’re more like the coals of yawn inducing warm lamement!” Silver Spoon declared.

A nearby demon’s lip quivered as tears began to stream down its face, the tears quickly evaporated as they fell from the demons wide, sad face and touched the scorching ground, “I’M TRYING THE BEST I CAN, OKAY!?”

Silver Spoon raised a burnt and blackened arm out of the coals and leveled it at the demon, “Well your best sucks! I’d say you should get a job working a bar-b-que, but you’d probably suck at that, too!”

“WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO MEAN?!” The demon cried as it, too, bounded off into the cavernous depths.

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Worst eternal torment, ever!” she announced.

In the a dimly lit room of the ancient Castle of the Pony Sisters, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack lounged about on cushions as Spike walked up with a large, hardcover book. The purple dragon sat the book down and flipped several pages until he found an empty spot.

“Ready?” Spike asked Applejack as he held up a writing quill.

Applejack smiled nodded at the baby dragon, “Dear Diary,” she dictated, “Today Ah learned a very important lesson regarding one’s beliefs. It’s never too late to reexamine what one believes in tha face of new evidence. Bein’ stubborn won’t help ya one bit, and you’ll often find if you take the time to reconsider what’s right in front of you, you can gain a whole new perspective on life.”

Twilight smiled and nodded, “Why that’s very sensible of you, Applejack.”

“Ah also learned that there are absolutely no consequences for consortin’ with dark and demonic forces and even twisting the rules of tha natural world to conform to a ponies whims jus’ so long as the proper procedures are followed!”

“Wait, what?!” Twilight exclaimed

“Are… followed… Check!” Spike said as he finished writing into the large book.

Twilight glanced at the baby dragon, “Do you ever get the feeling the world’s just one big joke and you’re its punch line?”

“Only for about the last few hours, or so,” A soft, feminine voice answered.

“AHHH!”

“WHOA!”

“What in tarnation?!”

The two mares and baby dragon recoiled in alarm and turned to state at a young, grey filly with a straight, purple mane.

“Uh… who are you?” Twilight asked.

“Oh there you are, Obsi!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she bounded into the room. “I told you it was easy to get lost around here!”

The grey filly smiled at Pinkie, “Sorry sis, just enjoying all the sights after my big sleep.”

“Uh…Ah didn’t know you had a third younger sister, Pinkie,” Applejack said.

“I don’t!” Pinkie said with a smile, “This is my older sister!”

“Older sister?” Twilight asked. “But how…”

“Well! I was out playing hide and seek with the dead like I usually do on Saturday mornings and then I saw somepony just left a bone saber, a blood bowl, and a copy of the Necronomicon in the graveyard and I was all like,” Pinkie placed her forehhoves against her cheek and put on an expression of surprise, “‘WHA!’ And I thought, ‘I can’t just let this opportunity go to waste! And hey! My sister Obsidian Pie is in this very graveyard after the horrible rock farm explosion!’”

“Rock farm explosion?” Spike asked as he cocked an eyebrow.

Pinkie nodded her head up and down, “Uh-huh! Rock farms are surprisingly explodey!”

“They really are,” Obsidian agreed.

“Anyhow,” Pinkie continued, “I kidnapped one of those alicorns that keep on showing up randomly and brought him over to my sister’s grave, bled him dry, and raised Obsi right up!”

“Oh… well… that’s… dark… and disturbing…” Twilight offered.

“Twilight, Twilight,” Applejack tut-tutted, “you gotta learn to be more open to new perspectives!” She turned to Obsidian and extended a forearm out, “Put it there, newly resurrected maybe-cousin!”

Obsidian grinned and hooked her arm around Applejacks and shook it up and down, “Thanks! Pleased to meet you.”

“Hey Pinkie,” Spike said, “did you remember to say the right words?”

Pinkie nodded her head vigorously, “Sure! Klaatu Barada Nicktoons!”

Twilight smacked a forehoof against her face, “Oh dear…”

Rainbow Dash suddenly burst into the room. Her breaths were deep and haggard and her eyes were full of worry. She steadied herself on the door frame and placed an arm against her chest as she attempted to gain control of her labored breathing, “Huff…Undead…attacking Ponyville…puff…hair brushes…huff…keep…puff…keep going missing!” Rainbow Dash fell forward, collapsing into an exhausted heap on the castle’s stone floor.

Pinkie gasped, “The undead are marching on Ponyville?!” She giggled and clapped her hooves together. “Hehehe… I’ll go get my chain-saw!” she announced excitedly. “Come on, sis!”

“Cool!” Obsidian said, “I’ll get us some dynamite!”

Pinkie turned to Applejack, “Coming, maybe-cousin?”

“Are you kiddin’?!” Applejack replied excitedly. “I love dispatchin’ hordes of the undead! Let’s roll!”

The three earth ponies quickly galloped out of the room.

Spike looked up at Twilight, “Should we…?”

“NO!” Twilight replied in an irritable tone as she levitated a book in front of her, opened it, and buried her face in it.

THE END