Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, and Reality

by Andy Soshal

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Main 6, Princess Luna
Length: 5706

In which Pinkie Pie is more than what she seems...

Pinkie Pie has many abilities that nopony else has...and Twilight is going to find out why! But...she may find that the truth is something too much to bear...

Published 2014-04-29 23:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-29 04:26:40 UTC

Chapter One: Pinkie Stuff

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well...I don't really know how to write this letter, particularly after spending nearly a week not writing one. Perhaps I should just start from the beginning, which is, as you have so often told me, the very best place to start.

I've been writing to you for some time now, as you obviously are well-aware of, about the lessons I'm learning about being friends with others and getting along with them in the spirit of Harmony, that being made of Magic, Honesty, Generosity, Kindness, Loyalty, and Joy.

Three days ago, I learned exactly what all of those meant, and the sacrifice they entail, the peace of mind that they can rob you of, the fear they can induce...and also the calmness and hope they can instill in you, the soothing they can give.

It was three days ago that I learned one of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony was not all that she seemed.

At first, I was very concerned, worried even, and one would say that I had good reason to be. As the...I guess one could say "leader" of the Bearers (Spike calls us the "Mane Six"; he thinks it is hilarious, but then again, his humor was always a bit...well...), it is my partial responsibility to make sure that Harmony between us is maintained as best as I am able so that we may keep the Harmony of Equestria in balance. The recent conflicts with Discord and his shape-shifting nature (combined with his de-Harmonization abilities, turning each of the Bearers into broken, near-polar-opposite versions of themselves), Chrysalis and her own doppelgänger powers, and the future battles against who knows how many other strange creatures out there able to mimic the appearance and/or the abilities of somepony else, merely served to slam that home for me.

Of course, I will be very blunt and say that it took me quite some time to realize that something was...off with one of us. I mean, seriously, with all the goings-on since I met the girls, it wouldn't be honest of me to say that I ignored my friendships with them in order for me to observe their daily habits as closely as possible without being seen, thus interrupting the experiment (yes, Your Highness, I remember, that is called "stalking" and that nopony likes being watched without their knowledge).

But...well...perhaps I should just start with the event that caused me to wonder.

Two weeks ago this Thursday (at approximately 2:56 pm, Equestrian Standard Time), Applejack and I were at the Carousel Boutique, helping Rarity decide upon which designs to use  for her next line of dresses...

"Oh, darling, absolutely not! Pink chiffon is positively dated!"

Applejack smiled sheepishly, gently setting the cloth sample back on the table. "Shucks, Rarity, I'm sorry...but y'all know this here fashion-eesta jazz ain't exactly my bit 'n bridle..." She squinted a suspicious green eye at the sketch of the dress before her. "Huh...y'all sure that there chiffon wouldn't hack it? Looks foo-foo 'nuff ta me..."

Rarity absently waved a dismissive hoof as she considered the other pieces of fabric. "Yes, yes, dear, but I designed that dress four days ago, when pink chiffon was still in-season, and according to Ponies Weekly," and here, a copy of said magazine was slapped on the sewing table. "Chiffon is now officially considered materiale non grata in all the high-society functions. Pink, yes, chiffon, nonononono!" She looked up irritably. "And 'foo-foo' is not a word used in high fashion, Applejack. The appropriate term would be...well, appropriate."

Twilight Sparkle, horn glowing as she held several sketches in the air and reviewing them all critically (she had to admit, Rarity did have an eye for dresses), gave her friends a glance. "Well, Rarity, if chiffon was what you were going to use, then why don't you just go ahead and us it? I'm sure that it will still be a hit..."

Rarity, blue eyes wide, merely gaped at her Alicorn friend. "Go ahead and use it?! Twilight Sparkle, that would mean the end of my career! I'd never be able to show myself in any good grace if I did such a thing!"

"Well, I ain't too sure 'bout all that, now, sugarcube," Applejack said soothingly, still switching her gaze between the dress sketch and the pink chiffon. "I don't think y'all makin' a dress with somethin' that ain't pop'lar would mean ya couldn't keep makin' 'em at all."

The white Unicorn turned to the Earth pony. "No, of course not, Apple dear, but the ramifications—! Imagine: every event, every convention, every banquet I would go to...why, I'd be surprised if I was let in, let alone welcomed! Everywhere I went, the upper-crust would whisper behind their hooves about how I, Rarity, Fashion Designer Extraordinaire, had the audacity, the unmitigated gall, to affront them with an out-of-date style! My business would trickle down to a mere shadow of the mighty river it is now as the well-to-do turned their backs on me one by one; I would have to start buying lower grade goods and taking commissions sewing buttons back on to raincoats! Soon I'd be forced to take in second-hand consignments as my patronage withered away into elderly mares perusing for hoofbags, and my revenue would be so meager I would have to take to pickpocketing in Manehattan just to keep body and soul together...and then what? Bank robberies, mugging innocent ponies, taking hits out for the gangs, stealing candy from little foals, all just to survive?!" Wild-eyed, Rarity paced back and forth.

"And then they would catch me! Or perhaps I would turn myself in, the guilt robbing me of my beauty, turning my coat a horrid gray color, and not that attractive light charcoal I am so fond of, I mean a positively wretched shade, and there would be bags under my eyes from the sleepless nights of wondering where it all went wrong but knowing, deep down inside, exactly when it happened, and then they would drag me, a poor, broken pony, long ago robbed of the shine of Generosity, to the Throne Room of Equestria, and Princess Celestia and Princess Luna would stare down at me with pitiless eyes and sentence me to the mines for the rest of my given days, and I would stay there amidst the muck and dirt until the last breath had exited my body, wracked with regret that, if only I hadn't listened to Applejack and Twilight Sparkle, I would be a happy little pony, whiling away the hours, making dresses for all the finest customers in the world..."

Twilight rolled her eyes at this display; while melodramatic, it was relatively part-and-parcel for Rarity. "I'm sorry, Rarity," she idly said. "I didn't mean to upset you. Aren't you sorry, AJ?"

A tearful Applejack blew her nose into a scrap piece of cotton that had been lying on the floor. "S-sure am...d-dreadful sorry, sugar..."

Rarity, ever-generous and softhearted, smiled and gently bumped the sniffling pony with her head. "Oh, darling, don't trouble yourself over all that, now. It isn't going to happen. Don't fret and dry your pretty eyes, that shade of green clashes horribly with red, don't you know." As Applejack mumbled her acquiescence, the white pony turned to her violet friend, who was still perusing the sketches. "Twilight, dearest, whatever do you have there?"

Twilight shook her head. "I'll be honest, Rarity, I see a ton of possibilities here, but—"

"Nothing that just screams 'yes', I know." Rarity sighed. "That's exactly the problem with designer's work; you think you have something, and then you notice everything that's wrong..." She plumped down on her hindquarters. "I don't know how we'll ever decide..."

Applejack, eyes acceptably dry, ambled over and patted a reassuring hoof on Rarity's shoulder. "Oh, dontcha worry your purty li'l head none, sweetie. Maybe it'll help if we knew how much time we had till this fashion show y'all're headin' out for."

"Just six months," Rarity mumbled. Silence fell, and she looked up to see both Applejack and Twilight staring at her. "But it's a short six months," she hurriedly added. "I need time to tweak designs here, add some spice there..."

Twilight and Applejack just looked at her.

Luckily, another awkward silence was avoided by a knock on the front door and a slightly stilted voice exclaiming, "Spisshull D'livurry".

Taking this opportunity, Rarity trotted as quickly as she could whilst remaining ladylike and dignified. "Oh, dearie me, look at that, it's dearest Derpy Hooves at my own dear door, oh, dear, I'd better go get that, shouldn't I dears, pardonne moi, s'il vous plait..."

Twilight looked at her farming friend. "She's been panicking over something that is six months away."

Shaking her head, Applejack sighed. "Well, at least we're gettin' it done and outta the way early..."

"Yeah, really, really early..."

"Yeah, I'll say!" At the high-pitched voice next to them, Applejack and Twilight turned and looked at Pinkie Pie, who merely stared back at them, that constant smile fixed firmly to her face.

"Hey, Pinkie."

"Howdy, Pinkie."

"Hi!"

Turning back to Applejack, Twilight opened her mouth, possibly to lament further Rarity's histrionics...and then looked back at Pinkie Pie, eyes narrowed. "Uh...Pinkie?"

Pinkie Pie perked up instantly. "Yeah, Twilight?"

"Uh...when did you get in here?"

Immediately, Pinkamena Diane Pie began bouncing in place. "Well, I was going down the street, waving hi at everypony like I always do after lunch, 'cuz I also do it right after breakfast, so I do it again if I might have missed somebody but I don't do it after dinner 'cuz it's dark and most ponies wanna go to sleep so I do it before dinner, and then I met Fluttershy who was taking home some dishtowels and newspapers and I stop her and ask her why she's taking home some dishtowels and newspapers and it turns out Discord is back for a visit, which is kinda funny, not him visiting but me saying he is back because it's like he never leaves anyway, but maybe that's because he likes it here and if he does, then that's okay, I like it here too, but we start talking and I show her my new confetti," and here Pinkie threw a hoofful of it in the air (it looked exactly the same as the old confetti), "and she tells me all about this weird thing living in the river called a platypus and how sweet it is and then I had to get going 'cuz I have a really tight schedule, so I told her to tell Dizzy, that's what I call Discord sometimes, to tell Dizzy I said hi, and she said she would!"

Pinkie beamed at Twilight and Applejack. "Um..." said the apple-bucking champion, "but...uh...when didja get in here, Pinkie?"

   "Oh, I was just getting to that!" Again, the bouncing started. "So I was walking and walking and walking, waving hi to everypony, when I see Dashie chasing a cloud, which kinda seemed funny to me, not funny ha-ha, but more like funny hee-hee, so I stop in the street and start to hee-hee, which really made me giggle 'cuz it made me think of Moonwalker Jacksdale, you know, from the Jacksdale Five, and how he'd go hee-hee in the middle of a song sometimes, like in 'Filly Jean', he did that a lot, and then I notice Ditzy Doo, only we all call her Derpy Hooves now, which is kinda mean, but she's okay with it, which means I am too, and I see her when she's at the muffin stand 'cuz, boy, does that pony loooove muffins, only today she was getting some for Dinky too, 'cuz the poor little filly's down with a cold again and Derpy was getting her a special treat to take home 'cuz this was her last parcel for the day and we start talking and it turns out that she had a special delivery to make here at Rarity's and we start walking and talking and I tell her I might drop by and see little Dinky because there's no time like when you have a cold for a good ol'-fashioned cheering up party from...Pinkie Pie!!!"

And she threw another hoofful of confetti in the air.

"So we get to the door and Rarity answers after talking in that funny weird language she and Fluttershy speak in sometimes that sounds all snooty-patooty and makes me think of cheese. And I came in."

After taking a few seconds to process that and sort the actually important and relevant information from the usual Pinkie-waffle, both the violet and the orange ponies nodded their heads. "Well," said Twilight, "it sounds like you had a full afternoon. Why'd you decide to stop by Rarity's?"

The pink Earth Pony cocked her head, curls bouncing extravagantly. "Why, to see you guys, of course! Duh!"

Applejack frowned thoughtfully. "Oh, uh...well, that's all good an everythin', but—"

"Pinkie Pie, darling!" Rarity bustled in, taking her pink counterpart's face in her hooves and kissing both cheeks. "I had no idea you were here! Listen, I need your advice on something; I was wondering if a few decorative silk streamers would look good on this dress I'm making for that sweet Ms. Cheerilee, she has a very important wedding to take part in and asked me to make a few alterations to it..."

"Sure!" Pinkie bounced out of the room and into the main part of the store, Rarity following close behind. Turning briefly, the Bearer of Generosity looked to Twilight Sparkle and Applejack. "I think we've done all we can for the day, girls. Please, if you get the chance, do try and return soon—I wish to get this whole dreadful ordeal out of the way as quickly as possible!"

Nodding, the two ponies began to clean up the mess they had made, Twilight re-stacking the sketches she had been considering, and Applejack grimacing as she threw away the cloth scrap-turned-snotrag in the waste bin.

"I wish that we'd been able to help Rarity better," whispered the Alicorn as they quietly made their way out of the back room and to the front door. A quick look into the design room showed Rarity and Pinkie Pie, the latter running excitedly in circles about the mannequin, reviewing the dress in question. "She may be taking this particular convention a bit too seriously, but still..."

"Yeah..." muttered Applejack absently.

Twilight looked at her quizzically. "'Jack? Is something wrong?"

The farmer shook her head absently as they made their way to the door, walking outside and shutting it firmly. "Uh...it's prolly nothin', but..."

As they walked down the street, Applejack leaned in closer to her friend. "Did...you tell Pinkie Pie what we'd be doin' today, Twi'?"

Twilight waved a cheery hoof at Lyra Heartstrings as she thought about the question. In truth, she had just been finishing up her own brunch at 11:30 when Rarity had stormed in, a panicked request for help preceding her by a good ten feet and a reluctant Applejack in tow. She hadn't seen hide or hair of the Bearer of Joy since the evening before, during one of Pinkie's impromptu "Everybody Is Going To Bed" parties. "...no...no, I didn't...I thought you did?"

Applejack shook her head, a decidedly perturbed expression on her face manifesting as she looked to the street. "Naw, sure didn't..."

The rest of the trip was made in silence, silence that was broken only when they reached the door to the Ponyville Library. "Well, I guess I'll see you later, Applejack. Tell Big Mac, Granny, and Applebloom I said hello, alright?"

"Sure, Twilight..." The orchard-tender made to turn around, and then looked back at the library-keeper. "Twilight?"

The Alicorn halted. "Yes, Applejack?"

The Honest One scuffed a hoof against the ground, kicking a small stone. "Y'all know how sometimes I can tell when ponies is lyin' and all, right?"

Twilight Sparkle paused, looking at her friend carefully. "Yes...do you think Pinkie Pie is lying about something?"

"No, no...well..." Applejack shook her head firmly, and then an uncertain look came and went from her face. "Maybe not lyin', 'zactly...more like she ain't tellin' everythin', like the whole truth, ya know? Like she's just tellin' enough ta keep us from askin' a lot when...Pinkie stuff happens..." She looked at the Bearer of Magic a bit awkwardly. "Does that...make any sense?"

Twilight Sparkle thought about it for a second. "Huh...well...hmmmm..." Furrowing her brow, she thought back to all the times Pinkie had explained something...and very few were the times that she had given a concise and clear answer. Most of the time it was silly little anecdotes or phrases, a confetti toss here, a cartwheel there. Ask her how she knew something, like how a one-pony-band would attract a bunch of flying pests, and she would just laugh it off and distract you with something else.

"...yes...yes, it does..." Shaking her head, Twilight shrugged good-naturedly. "But I don't think that it's anything to worry about. When it's important, Pinkie always comes through."

Applejack did not look convinced. "Yeah...I guess...well," and she brightened up some. "I gotta get back! Gettin' in shape for the harvest! Apples don't buck themselves, ya know!"

Waving goodbye to her friend, Twilight walked back into the Library. She looked at the clock—it was only 4:15 pm. Excellent...just enough time to write an article for Horns and Magic Quarterly!

I will be honest, Princess Celestia, I didn't think any more about Pinkie Pie and her strange habits that afternoon. I did some research for my article, spent two hours writing my report, another revising and editing it, and then I ate a light dinner consisting of a watercress sandwich with reheated hayfries, and finally went to bed around 9 pm.

But just before I fell asleep, I was reminded for some reason, maybe as I blew my candle out, that Rarity had another week to go before the Fire Marshal of Ponyville wrote her a citation for not having windows that opened, and for having only one door in and out of her store. Rarity had been putting it off as long as she could, something about how irritating it was to store taffeta dresses so they wouldn't get covered in dust...and then I remembered something she had said...

"Pinkie Pie, darling! I had no idea you were here!"

The significance of this hit me almost immediately, for I remember what Pinkie had said a scant few seconds before Rarity had said that...

"So we get to the door and Rarity answers after talking in that funny weird language she and Fluttershy speak in sometimes that sounds all snooty-patooty and makes me think of cheese. And I came in."

I will list the points of significance here...

1) There is only one door in and out Carousel Boutique.

2) Rarity had answered it to greet Derpy Hooves.

3) Pinkie Pie had been with Derpy Hooves.

4) Rarity had not seen Pinkie, which meant that she had not let her in. Neither had Pinkie made any mention of speaking to Rarity.

5) Pinkie, even though not being let in, had obviously entered.

These things, combined with the fact that Pinkie Pie knew that Applejack and I were at Rarity's, made me think long and hard into the night. I will accept that maybe somepony had seen us with Rarity entering her shop, but Pinkie would have mentioned it if somepony had told her or if she had asked.

If she was an Alicorn, or even a Unicorn, a simple scrying spell and maybe a minor invisibility hex or intangibility charm would easily explain her knowledge and presence. But Earth Pony magic is, with all due affection and respect, incredibly inferior to our own, and Pinkie Pie had exhibited little or no mystical capability, or at least none that I have seen, save for her odd little "Pinkie Sense", which seems to be non-magical and more empathic or psychometric in nature.

I did not sleep very much; my mind was abuzz with this latest mystery, combined with the memory of all the other unexplainable things that happened with Pinkie, what Applejack so aptly called “Pinkie stuff”.. Finally, somewhere around the third night bell, I dropped off, having resolved to do something I swore I would never do again.

I am sorry, Princess Celestia; I know I promised not to do it again...but I had decided to stalk Pinkie Pie. I was prepared to use everything in my power to figure this little riddle out. I was going to take notes, ask questions, use the scientific method...

But I would come to find out that nothing I had would ever prepare me for the truth...nothing I could think of would ever truly ready me for Reality.

Chapter Two: Research

So I spent the next few days reviewing everything I knew about Pinkamena Diane Pie, including some information I had gathered from a very reliable source during this phase—the very next day after the incident at the Boutique, I contacted Maud Pie, who proved to be a rather talkative person, at least in writing.

She had been borne to a family of rock farmers out in the countryside. Having been there myself and met family of hers (Maud Pie had dropped in for a day on her return visit from her big trip...with scads of new poetry to read to me about the different variations of igneous rocks. Needless to say, I had been...I suppose overjoyed would be a bit strong), I could corroborate this, even ignoring the small, rough patch on her nose gained from pushing said deposits around.

Having come into her Cutie Mark during her stay there (I ran into many conflicting reports on this count—the Cutie Mark Crusaders seem to swear by one version that revolves around Rainbow Dash's first Sonic RainBoom, but given the hero-worship Scootaloo employs, this is rendered rather suspect. Pinkie herself is no help; even before my investigation, it appeared that she invented a new story about her Cutie Mark whenever the notion struck, and Maud was away at school when it happened), Pinkie proved to be a bit much for the staid and conservative atmosphere around her house, so she was invited to stay with her distant relatives, the Cakes, for a time. However, there appeared to be a mix-up regarding which branch of the Cake clan she would be staying with; this devolved into her being shunted around amongst different families between Fillydelphia, Manehattan, Coltlanta, and even Canterlot for a period of about three years.

This is where things began to get interesting. Each time she was welcomed into a new family, everything would be relatively normal for a period of about two weeks. Then, without any warning, Pinkie would be shipped off to a new set of Cakes or Pies or Tarts (this last proved to be the shortest stay for her—three hours and twenty-six minutes, though by all accounts, the Tarts were rather...tart to begin with. I got the feeling bad blood existed there, at least from the way Maud wrote about them) with no reason being outwardly given. Eventually, the Cakes of Ponyville agreed to take her in and give her free room and board in exchange for working in the bakery, and the rest is history. Pinkie had only been here a few months before I myself arrived, and by that time, the residents of Ponyville, understanding and tolerant in the way only small towns or very, very large cities can be, had fully accepted her within the fold.

Maud was unable to tell me why poor Pinkie was first sent away from her own flesh-and-blood, and then swapped around from relation to relation so many times for so long (unable...or unwilling? The language she used to answer these questions seemed to run in a loop, hedging, delaying, or just downright denying knowledge of anything that happened. Given thought, this may be plausible, as Maud was away at school for long periods of time, and thus away from her parents and siblings, but I find it hard to believe that her family, Pinkie included, didn't send her word of any strange goings-on), but she did drop certain clues, intentionally or otherwise.

Apparently, soon after Pinkie's Mark manifested, several things began to happen. Pinkie Pie's diet, which subsisted around rock candies and such (just like her other family members...I still don't know how their teeth are intact...) suddenly switched over to the soft-and-chewy department, mainly things like cupcakes and pastries, items so utterly and completely chock-full of sugar that even looking at them gave Maud a toothache. Her nighttime habits became erratic, her daytime ones unpredictable.

The Pie family (that branch, at least) was a stoic one; smiling was rare, and enthusiastic expressions of any kind were even rarer, if Maud's word and own personal habits are to be anything to judge by. Pinkie turned, almost overnight, from a slightly-sad and morose little filly into a curly-topped superball, physically unable to keep from grinning and shooting all over the place in a sugar-crazed frenzy.

However, all this could be easily explained away as a phase in a young pony's life. Maud, according to herself, went through something similar at the age of six where she actually skipped through the lower forty acres in the eastern fields for fifteen minutes and was exhausted for a week afterwards (apparently it wasn't the physical exertion of the skipping, but the sheer emotional toll it took. I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I ignored it). But this was merely the beginning of something stranger.

It was during Maud's last visit to the family whilst Pinkie was still living there that she witnessed the only real thing that would first expose her to the phenomenon that I have dubbed (with credit to Applejack) "Pinkie Stuff". Maud had just gotten off the train to see her family, and immediately she could tell something was wrong.

Emotionally conservative and reserved, the Pie family may be, but they are a tight-knit bunch. Family ties with them are almost as important as they are with the Apple Clan...so why Mother and Father Pie, along with Marble and Limestone (the other two siblings) were standing almost two feet away from Pinkie with very strained looks on their faces immediately escaped Maud.

Beside Pinkie was a suitcase, and a ticket was in her mouth, a ticket for Fillydelphia. Maud, a bit perturbed to see her baby sister setting off, and alone, when she herself was just getting home, turned to her parents to find out what the hay was going on...

"Pinkamena," said Father Pie slowly, "is going to be spending some time with Great Uncle German and Great Aunt Strawberry Cake." He shifted an eye to Pinkie, who was busy doing that bouncing from hoof-to-hoof thing. Seeing his gaze, she smiled enormously at him. Again. He swallowed. "She, uh...appears to be going through a bit of a..."

Catching her husband as he trailed off, searching for words, Mother Pie stepped in. "A bit of a phase, Maud, dear...remember when you skipped through the fields that one time...?"

Maud blinked. She remembered the sudden whirlwind of emotion that had taken her completely by surprise, the large grin on her face as a sudden outpouring of affection nearly swelled her heart right out of her chest, the massive love and joy she felt at having such a wonderful, solid family who supported her no matter what, at having a safe and pleasant home to be at, a warm bed at night, and good, honest work to be done in the day. She had felt a kinship with everything around her then, a connection with the rocks of her land, the hearts of her family, and this had sent her skipping gaily through the fields, barely resisting the urge to whistle!

Oh, how she remembered, how she wanted to share the simple, foallike wonder of that little slice of time with everyone she met so they could understand...

"Yes," Maud answered her mother.

Mother Pie nodded and turned to Pinkie, who was now balancing upon one of her fore-hooves. "Pinkamena, go use the restroom before you get on the train. And do try to get your mane in some sort of order, it's a horrid mess."

"Okie-dokie-lokie!" Pulling a backwards hoofspring to an upright position, the bubbly little filly skipped past them all, humming excitedly to herself. Maud watched the door to the facilities slam closed, and she turned to her parents and siblings, who all looked as if they had just been put through a wringer.

"How has school been, Maud?" asked Father Pie, a rather forced smile on his face.

Maud blinked. "It has been interesting."

"I see. Learn anything new?"

"Yes."

"Good, good. I remember back when I went to Tectonic Tech, we had to learn to—"

Maud's view of her father was suddenly obscured by the sight of extraordinarily wide and extraordinarily blue eyes surrounded by extraordinarily pink frizz. "OH-MY-GOSHIES-MAUD-YOU-NEED TO-CHECK-OUT-THE-BATHROOM-HERE-THE-SOAP-TURNS-INTO-FOAM-WHEN-YOU-PRESS-THE-BUTTON-AND-IT-LOOKS-ORANGE-AND-SOAPY-IN-THE-THINGIE-BUT-IT-TURNS-WHITE-AND-FLUFFY-WHEN-IT-COMES-OUT-AND-IT'S-SOOOOOOOOOO-MUCH-FUN-YOU-NEED-TO-TRY-IT-NOW-NOW-NOW!!!"

Maud, to her credit, did not give much of a reaction to this sudden inexplicable appearance by her baby sister, opting to merely blink her eyes and give a sharp intake of breath.

Her parents and other siblings, however, jumped like scalded cats, Father Pie clutching his left foreleg and turning pale, and Mother Pie trying to hide a screeching Limestone and and whimpering Marble behind her, despite their best efforts to escape beneath a nearby bench.

It was at this moment that the train decided it was time to pull out, for the conductor made his appearance and loudly called for all passengers to Coltlanta, Cloudsdale Ground Station, and Fillydelphia.

"Oh, wow! Oh, wow, oh, wow, oh wow! That's me!" Jumping neatly from her older sibling's head and landing lightly on the wooden boards, Pinkamena Pie trotted over to each member of her family, kissing them on the cheek.

Mother and Father Pie managed to cobble together immediately-transparent looks of regret at the arrival of their daughter's departure, but Pinkie did not seem to notice this. Marble and Limestone, on the other hand, didn't bother hiding their looks of distress and relief as she bid them goodbye.

Maud was the last to be told farewell, and Pinkie accompanied it with a promise to write them all and see them again soon.

The conductor having taken her bag aboard, she showed him her ticket, and he took her to the appointed seat, which just happened to be by a window immediately before the remaining family members.

Maud watched her baby sister wave goodbye as the train pulled out and disappeared over the horizon.

Father Pie and Mother Pie had taken the still-panicking younger ones on to the wagon already, and Maud used the opportunity to go to the restroom.

She let them wait as she slowly walked to the door of the facilities.

A pull of the handle told her it was still locked, and a knock on the door told her that nopony was inside.

A quick (for Maud) trot around the sides and back showed no other ways to exit the little building.

Maud made her way to the wagon, deep in thought. As slow and deliberate as she was, she was not stupid, not at all. She had been gone for three months, and in that time, Pinkamena had turned from a little sack of sad into a walking, talking battery.

A walking, talking battery that had somehow gained the ability to exit locked rooms without opening the door.

She knew better than to try and ask her family what was going on—they were far too spooked to speak about anything worthwhile right now, and they would never admit to something wrong, even if their actions said there was.

It was all very strange, to be sure...and Maud wasn't sure if she wanted to know what had happened to turn her family against Pinkie.

Needless to say, though...she was going to keep in touch with the little one...if only to keep an eye on things...

This was the only incident that Maud would share with me. Apparently she had learned, through further dealings with Pinkie, to take these things in stride and ignore them.

However, she did admit to not knowing exactly how they were accomplished, unless a little filly had somehow become an escape artist or there was some Unicorn blood in the family that had surfaced within Pinkie and Pinkie alone (Maud had already researched this and it seemed extraordinarily unlikely). Any questions she asked her family, however delicately put, were met with typical rock-farmer stonewalling.

Having recorded as much information from Maud as I could, as well as having sent her a thank-you letter (along with an invite to a poetry class I was giving—the poor dear could use the help), I decided to go ahead and make a list of all the known, yet unexplainable, phenomena known as "Pinkie Stuff":

1. Ability to enter or exit spaces otherwise inaccessible to other ponies

2. Ability to appear in two places almost at once (discounting the incident with multiple Pinkies)

3. Ability to appear in places before or at the same time as other ponies, despite having been seen elsewhere and/or left a considerable distance behind

4. Ability to appear in front of ponies in inexplicable angles

5. Ability to sense imminent danger/when associations are in imminent danger ("Pinkie Sense")

6. Ability to produce items of varying size, shape, and weight from thin air/spaces otherwise too small or the wrong shape to hold them (Confetti, party items, etc)

7. Ability to physically contort oneself in impossible ways (twisting the neck at least 720 degrees without breaking of the spine, etc)

Numerous other items could have made it to this list, such as the inexplicable ability to make perfect animal noises whilst lacking the appropriate vocal organs without peripheral apparatus. However, they are not as constant (dare I say commonplace?) as these other events, though doubtless they share a common root.

As for what this root was...well...just let me get a new quill and I'll continue with my story...