Fracture II: Return of the Crack

by Bootsy Slickmane

Rating: mature
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2840

Some days, it seems like the world just doesn't want you to have a sandwich. Twilight is having one of those days.

Some days, it seems like the world just doesn't want you to have a sandwich. Twilight is having one of those days.

Rated Mature for swearing, crudity, and general tastelessness.

Published 2015-02-02 21:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-02 21:10:02 UTC

Twilight Sparkle Makes a Sandwich and Stuff Happens

Twilight Sparkle shoved her head out through the top-most window of her library home and breathed deep the cool morning air. "Ahh, what a lovely day." She stood there, taking in Ponyville's plethora of scents, when something tickled her muzzle. Her eyes snapped open. There was a cerulean pegasus hovering there, hooves collected tightly together just above her face. "Rainbow Dash, what the hell are you doing?"

"Hold still, I'm trying to land on your nose."

Twilight pulled her head in and slammed the window shut, sticking her tongue out at Rainbow. The pegasus responded by giving the glass a long, slow lick. Twilight recoiled in revulsion, backing away from the window as Dash laughed at her outside. Her hind hooves slipped off the little wooden platform, sending her down to the library's second floor. Her rump hit the wooden surface with a sound like a giant beetle being hit with a cement mixer full of lead.

Spike awoke with trashing limbs at the sound of Twilight's anguished screech. He threw the splotchy blanket from his body and hurled himself to the end of the bedroom, staring down at the mare as she looked back at her rump with tears in her eyes. "Oh, no," Spike said, claws clenched around the platform's edge. "Did you try to use that magnum one again? You know that one's too big."

The sheer intensity of Twilight's glare drained the color from Spike—more specifically, the color yellow. "No, I didn't," she seethed. "Rainbow knocked me off the balcony and I broke my ass bone."

"Oh. Do... do you want me to take a look at it?"

"Those claws aren't coming anywhere near my ass, you scaly little freak. You already grope me in my sleep."

Spike stomped an indignant foot. "That was one time and you ordered me to do it."

"I was drunk," Twilight hissed. "You took advantage of me!"

"You told me that if I didn't give you a 'traditional dragon ass rub', you would inflate my feet like balloons, fill my orifices with honey and sesame seeds, and then tie me up in Fluttershy's backyard for the birds to feed from."

Twilight got to her hooves, leering up at her assistant. "Spike?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Would you like to know what the inside of a dragon's colon looks like?"

Spike took a step back, all traces of his anger swapping out for fear. "Umm, no."

Twilight pointed a hoof toward the stairs. "Then get your scaly little ass in the freezer."

Spike gave a hasty salute and ran from the room, going right down the stairs and out of Twilight's sight. The mare huffed once as she watched him leave, then turned to look at her own behind. She reached a hoof back and tapped at her flank, wincing at the touch. "Well, I can still stand, so I guess it's not broken. Dash got lucky, this time." She grumbled, hooves taking her down to the library's first floor. "Stupid featherbrain. She should change her middle name from 'Danger' to 'Dumbass'."

Twilight chuckled at her own stupid joke as she trotted into her kitchen. She briefly tapped three times on the freezer. "One hour, starting now." She held her ear to the freezer door until she heard the muffled sound of Spike's acceptance, and then turned away. She stepped into the center of the kitchen, her horn beginning to glow.

Cabinets, containers, and the fridge all flew open, ingredients drifting out. Bread, cheese, lettuce, onions, tomato slices, pickles, yellow mustard, mayonnaise, and ketchup, all held in her magical grasp. She laid out the ingredients on her counter, each one exactly sixty-seven millimeters from any other. Carefully, ever so carefully, Twilight brought the ingredients together, combining them in just the right order to achieve Maximum Flavor Yield (which she was still in the process of writing a paper on).

Only for a moment did she pause, and that was simply to glance through the nearby window as a laughing Pinkie Pie galloped by with Rainbow Dash balanced on the tip of her muzzle. "Idiots," she commented as she went back to crafting her meal. Little strips of onion were sprinkled atop the slab of tomato, sticking to the mushy surface with just the slightest bounce. Then came the lettuce, a single, wide leaf of the green vegetable matter resting gently on the onion pad. Lastly, she gingerly squeezed out a thin trail of mustard, making concentric rectangles on the remaining slice of bread before laying it on top of the lettuce.

She stepped back a few feet, staring in wonder at her own skill. No ingredient was out of place, nor did any sauce spill out from its designated level. A pair of calipers hovered over to the food, measuring the thickness and width from several different spots. At last, Twilight smiled. It was the closest to perfection that her eyes had ever seen, and it was all hers. Her doing. Her creation.

Her sandwich.

"Spike!" she yelled toward the refrigerator. "Get your head out here and look at this magnificent sandwich!"

"Huh uh!" came Spike's muffled reply. "I'm not falling for that one again! I'm not coming out of here until my hour is up!"

Twilight couldn't help but smirk. "I guess you do learn, then, huh? Fine." She turned from the counter, barely able to tear her gaze from her own creation. Her hooves carried her back up to her bedroom, finally stopping in front of an old wooden chest. She popped it open with a little flash of her magic and stuck her head down inside, hooves rummaging through the chest's contents. She paused for a second, a pill bottle flying out and over her shoulder, then resumed her search.

"Dag-nabbit to Tartarus," she muttered, pulling her head out of the container, "where the fuck did I put that shit?" Her eyes scanned what little bedroom space there was, eventually settling on her bed. She furrowed her brow, shut the chest, and walked over to the bed. She lifted the mattress in her magic, but what she sought was not to be found beneath it. Only some lint, a few crusty bread crumbs, and a few strands of pink hair. She dropped the mattress with a scowl.

She arrived back in the kitchen a moment later. "Spike! Do you know where my camera is?"

For a few seconds, only silence came from the freezer, and she was about to rip it open to make sure he was still there. Eventually, though, he said, "I think I last saw it in the basement."

"Well, shit. I guess you're just not going to get to see my marvelous sandwich, then."

"I'm okay with that."

She glared at the freezer for a few more seconds before turning back to the counter. There was her sandwich in all its glory, resting on its little plate. She licked her lips, stepping ever closer to the beautiful stack. She picked it up, giving it one final inspection before she took the first bite.

That was when she heard a knock at her door, followed by a voice calling out, "Special delivery!" from outside.

Twilight sneered at her front door, gently putting the sandwich back onto its platter. She trotted for the door, pulling it open with a furrowed brow. "Oh, hi, Derpy," she chirped, all traces of her rage vanishing.

The walleyed pegasus smiled right back. "Hi, Twilight. I got a package for you." She held up a mutilated wad of cardboard, her grin turning sheepish and ears falling flat. "I might've dropped it... a lot." Twilight took the parcel in her magic and brought it inside. Derpy winced at the crunching sound it made upon hitting the floor, and quietly added, "Sorry."

"Oh, it's alright," Twilight said, her smile still bright. "It happens."

Derpy gave a little wave as she took a few steps backward. "Have a nice day," she said right before tripping over her own hooves and falling onto her rump.

Twilight waved back with a chuckle. "You too." The door swung shut in her magic, and her smile immediately shifted to a scowl as she eyed the ruined package. "Well, so much for Rarity's birthday present," she commented, nudging the lump with a hoof. "Hmph. Maybe I should glue it together in a wad and stick some gems on it. Pretentious bitch'd probably think it's some kinda modern art. Oh well, I'll do that later." She turned, trotting off.

Twilight froze halfway across the kitchen, her eyes glued to the empty plate sitting on the counter. Her sandwich was gone. She drew in a sharp breath, but then clenched her teeth as her head swiveled around to the freezer. "Spike, if you stole my masterpiece sandwich, I swear to Celestia that I will shove that whole damn fridge—"

"I didn't take your sandwich, I swear!" Spike said quickly. "I don't even like onions!"

She took a few steps toward the refrigerator. "And how would you know that I put onions on it?"

"Because you put onions on everything, Twilight. Sandwiches, casseroles, hay fries, pizza, salads. You even put it on toast."

"Bastard," she muttered. "Then where did my sandwich go?"

"I dunno. Maybe you should look for it instead of asking the guy who's been in the freezer for the last ten minutes and can't see shit."

"Language!" she snapped. "One more fucking word, and you're sleeping in the basement." Despite how stupid Spike's ideas usually were, Twilight did indeed look around her kitchen. It wasn't even a full three seconds before she spotted something odd on the counter. She stepped a little closer, head tilting to one side. There was a small cluster of dark specks on her plate, gathered around some crumbs from her missing sandwich.

She had ants. Great.

The ants were shifting and moving, some breaking away and following a line of other specks that lead away from the plate. Her eyes followed the trail of little black ants across the counter and to an open window. She just barely caught the sight of her sandwich sliding off the sill and into a bush.

Twilight stared for a few seconds, stunned at the sheer audacity of the insects. "You little buggers," she whispered as she grit her teeth and lit her horn. Cookie jars rattled, furniture began to slide across the floor, and the ground itself shook as she channeled her magic.

"I'm gonna beat your exoskeletal asses so bad, you'll be in traction for fucking years! Your unborn grand-children's fucking children's heads will fucking explode from the pain I'm gonna inflict on your asses! All of you little shit-eating fucks are gonna wish that your queen had never raped a drone and brought you into a world with me, because I'm gonna thoroughly destroy your asses, everything attached to them, and everything in the fucking tri-city area!"

A box of Original Wood Chips cereal fell from a shelf, and Twilight swung her horn down to release her pent-up energy. A swirling, twisting beam of pink and purple blasted forth toward the open window right as a pink pony's head popped up outside.

"Hiya, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie said, moments before disappearing in a mighty explosion as Twilight's spell hit her right in her stupid face.

The magic lingering on Twilight's horn dissipated as the mare gasped. The smoke and dust cleared, revealing a massive hole in her kitchen wall. Water was spraying up from where the sink used to be and multicolored eggs were falling out of what was left of the fridge. "P-Pinkie?" Twilight stammered, staring out through the charred hole. All that remained of the shrub were a few blackened twigs sticking out of the scorched dirt. Neither the sandwich nor the ants were anywhere to be seen, likely vaporized entirely. Just like Pinkie.

Twilight fell to her knees, tears sliding down her furry face. "Pinkie..." she sobbed, wrapping a hoof up and around her muzzle. "I can't believe it...." She took in a breath. "I can't believe she's finally gone," she said, a smile forming on her lips as her sobs turned to laughter. "I'm finally free of that fucking pink maniac. Why didn't I ever think of just blowing her stupid ass up before?"

Murmuring reached her ears, and she pitched her head upward. Ponies were gathering outside, asking questions and pointing at the hole in the library's wall. Two guards pushed their way through the crowd, staring in at the unicorn.

Twilight's ears fell flat. "Oh, shit, right. Because I'll get arrested and thrown in a dungeon forever where I'll get raped by corrupt guards on a daily basis because they're frustrated with their lives and see me as an easy target because nopony cares about inmates. Fucking prison system." Twilight stood up. "Well, fuck all that. Nopony's gonna take this bitch alive," she said, her horn charging up again. "Bring it on, bacon boys!"

She was just about to deep-fry the approaching guards when one of her ears twitched. There was an odd noise coming from somewhere to her left. A sort of smacking sound, like a one bit store sticky hoof being repeatedly slapped against a small pile of oatmeal. Twilight slowly turned toward the noise, one eyebrow rising at the sight that greeted her.

"This is really good," Pinkie Pie said, biting into the ant-covered sandwich in her hooves. "Tastes like formic acid."

"I should've known; I've never been that lucky." Twilight sighed as she turned back to the approaching guards and let her charged spell fall away. "Nothing to see here, boys. I accidentally blew a hole in my wall, that's all. Go on back to the pen."

One of the guards rolled his eyes, muttering, "Crazy librarians." He turned away, heading back down the street.

"Better than the last one, though," the other guard commented as he followed.

"Assholes," Twilight said under her breath. At that moment, Spike slid out of what remained of the freezer and hit the floor, his body covered with Neapolitan ice cream and frost. "Dammit, Spike, I said to stay in the freezer!"

Spike got to his feet, wiping the dairy product off his face. "I tried! Really, I did! But half the freezer disappeared in a huge explosion, and everything got all slippery. I couldn't help it!"

Twilight narrowed her eyes at the little dragon, who audibly gulped in response. Her gaze softened gradually, and she smiled. "You know what, Spike? You're actually right, for once, and it wasn't your fault that the ants stole my lunch. I'm sorry."

Spike raised one brow, tiling his head to one side. "Really?"

Twilight nodded, using her magic to shove Pinkie aside as she stepped toward the little dragon. "Really, and I'm going to do something special for you to make up for it."

"You are?" Spike asked, his eyes wide and claws held to his face. His expression suddenly shifted to horror after a second, however. "Oh, no.... The basement?" He quivered on the spot. "The jelly?"

Twilight giggled. "No, dumbass, I really mean it. Let's go get some ice cream."

The unicorn and dragon headed out the front door, leaving the still-chewing Pinkie behind. The pink mare was about to take the last bite of her stolen sandwich when a creaking sound reached her ears. She turned, calling out, "Somepony there?" She pronked into the library's living room, glancing around for the source of the sound. Her eyes finally fell on the basement entrance, all seven of its locks disengaged and the door hanging open.

A voice drifted out from the dark doorway, asking, "Want some jelly, little pony?"

"Ooooh," Pinkie said, trotting for the door, "What kind?"

"All kinds." The voice was strange, as though the owner had a great build-up of mucus.

"Is it sticky?"

"Oh, yes," the voice said, shuddering slightly as it came from the dark basement, "it's sticky, little pony. It's sticky." The door opened a little wider, accompanied by a strange squelching sound.

"Neato!"

"And when you're down here," the voice continued as Pinkie went prancing in through the doorway, eyes closed and grinning like an imbecile, "you'll be sticky, too!"

The basement door slammed shut. Maniacal laughter echoed out from the basement, along with Pinkie's screams. Then it stopped as suddenly as it began, being replaced by a couple of thumps and a squishing noise. The basement door burst open, and a big, gray stallion fell out onto the library floor with Pinkie lying atop him. Their faces were mashed together, and both were covered in purple goo.

Pinkie broke their kiss, the stallion's tongue hanging from his grinning mouth. "I love jelly," she purred. Pinkie receded into the basement, dragging the jelly pony with her, and the door slid shut behind them.

Author's Note

This one has actually been done for a while, but it just sat around for a bit before being submitted.