Chapters Honestly, when they tell a guy that he’s in a lot of trouble and that he’s gonna be turned into a statue, there’s that selfish thought. You know the one, where you want it to be all rainy out, and windy, just a bad day to walk around in? The whole I’m-gonna-die-so-at-least-let-a-bunch-of-people-be-as-miserable-as-me type of thing?
Well, it was a good thing I’m not one of those guys, cause I’d be pretty upset right now. The birds were chirping, the sun was out, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and I was going to get turned into a statue.
You can’t see it, but I’m grinning and pinching one of my cheeks.
“You know,” guard number one says as he escorts/drags me into the gardens with his identical chum on my other side. “You wouldn’t have to go through with this if you just apologize…”
I snorted, how dare a three foot horse decked out in his finest gold tinfoil tell a manly man like me to say I’m sorry!... I didn’t even do anything wrong…Really.
“ME apologize?” I demanded, rattling my chains in the widdle guys faces. “It’s Sunbutt that needs to calm down. I mean, turning me into a statue?!”
“Where you’ll suffer through your worst nightmares,” the other guard helpfully added, which made me want to smack him with a nine-iron.
“I didn’t do anything that—“
“You started a riot,” guard one interrupted.
“That wasn’t my fault! Blame those gryphons’ down at the Salty Mare, they’re the ones that started it,” I argued, smacking my fist against my chest in righteous, manly, fury, shaking the earth and scaring the guards out of their horseshoes…
Not really, they just rolled their eyes, but that sounds better, don’t it?
“What about the public indecently?”
I waved him away. “You little guys are naked all the time and I can’t run around bare-assed for five minutes before everyone loses their minds?” I folded my arms. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you guys were racists. And you know—“
“What about defacing public property?” the guard deadpanned. “Or breaking into the royal palace? Or assaulting one of the princesses?”
I opened my mouth and immediately closed it. “…Alright you got me… Would it make it any better if I told you that those weren’t dicks I drew on the castle walls?”
Being horribly close-minded individuals like all the guard, they just looked at each other before shaking their heads no.
“They were dicks.”
“No they weren’t! They were… um… a weird tower? The Lockness monster?... Dave the dick tree?”
“Just be quiet, Human.”
….
While I’m sure that having four princesses standing in some silly semi-circle thing while wearing judges robes would be scary to ponies, to me they just looked adorable.
Oh, that scowl that Sunbutt had on her face… Or Moonbutt, who was trying to scowl even harder… Or the pink one… Candance? Cedence? Something like that, trying to look scary while fidgeting with her poofy white wig…
I couldn’t help but coo, and it took both of the guards to keep me from rushing over to the widdle silly pownies and scratching their widdle ewars.
“Bob!” Sunbutt thundered when I was in the acceptable I-will-smite-thee yelling range. “I, Princess Celestia, diarch of the—“
“Actually,” I interrupted, cracking a small smile when Sunbutt huffed at me. “There’s four of you right?”
Books nodded, adjusting her robe. “You know that there’s four of us, Bob, now stop—“
“Wouldn’t it be a quadarchy then?” I asked tapping my thumb against me chin in thought.
Sunbutt and looked a little unsure while Moonbutt took a step toward me. “It matters not, Bob the human, we are all here to—“
“Actually, Princess,” Books interrupts. “That’s actually a pretty good question… Is the Crystal Empire a part of Equestria or is it its own separate kingdom?”
Candance looked thoughtfully at her. “Actually, Aunty, could you please—“
Sunbutt growled, her horn glowing. “Enough of this!” I yelped when I was teleported right at her hooves—and she’s already taller than me; someone looks like they have supremacy issues.
“Bob, for the rest of this trial you will only speak when spoken to, or when you raise your hand, do you understand?”
I was about to throw her a scathing, yet witty, remark but then I saw that her mane was kinda... on fire. Gulping, I nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
She leaned down, her eyes narrowed at me, probably looking into my soul with those cake powers that she had, before nodding. “Very well, we will begin then.”
Sunbutt started to walk around me. “You’ve caused a lot of chaos in my city, young man. Over the past few days you’ve attacked a group of gryphons, lead a hundred of my ponies through the streets to run around naked and to damage property—“
I raised my hand.
“Yes, Bob.”
“You guys are naked all the—“She growled again, making my mouth shut with a snap.
“You’ve damaged property, you’ve damaged my and my sister’s castle,” She and Luna blushed slightly. “…And you assaulted me in front of my little sister and my ex-student.”
“I just smacked your flank,” I argued, ignoring—or at least trying to—the glare she gave me. “I didn’t assault you!”
Moonbutt spoke up. “Be that as it may, Human, thou still have crimes to answer for.”
Books nodded, walking up and poking me in the chest. “Yeah, you still need to let me study you!” she said angrily.
“No…”
The little purple alicorn snarled, pressing her nose against mine. “And why not?!”
Cedence tried to come to my rescue, bless her little pony soul. “Twilight, Sweetie, maybe he just wants to have his privacy…”
I nodded, nudging my head toward the pink princess. “Yeah, what she said,” I looked at all of them. “If two out of the four judges hate my guts, does that mean I can get a mistrial?”
Sunbutt’s gaze softened while Book’s snorted angrily. “I do not hate you Bob,” Sunbutt said. “I just believe that, like a foal that was caught with their hoof in the cookie jar, you need to just own up to what you did and apologize.”
“And thou need to perform community service to reconcile for your crimes,” Moonbutt added, making me wince. And I thought she was a bro…
“Well, I don’t really like you right now, Bob,” Books muttered under her breath, making me roll my eyes.
“Aren’t you the princess of friendship?” I asked.
Her widdle wings flared, and her nose was right back in my face. At least she brushed her teeth this morning… “I am, and you know what friends do for friends? They let each other preform experiments on them and tell them about their cultures so they can write a paper about it!”
“You’re the worst.”
“I’m THE WORST?!?!”
Cadence—Cadence , that’s what her name is— cleared her throat. “Bob, I had to come here, all the way from my kingdom, for this. So could we please stop beating around the bush; you just need to say you’re sorry and everypony can get back to their lives.”
Sunbutt nodded, her stern look back. “Yes, Bob, you need to—“
“Wait, if I get statuefied, do I still have to do the community service?”
I bit back a snort when all four princesses deflated. “You’d be willing to weather your darkest and most terrifying nightmares just to get out of community service?” Books asked.
I hummed thoughtfully, my amazing mind churning. “How long am I going to have to stay a lawn ornament?”
Sunbutt facehoofed. “We deliberated, and decided that four days would suffice,” she said emotionlessly.
I looked at her disbelievingly. “And no one else takes the statue route?”
Moonbutt shook her head. “Nay, they are either forced because of their crimes or they take whatever other sentence we give them.”
“….How many hours of community service will I have to do?”
“Three hundred and forty-seven,” Books brightly said. A little too brightly, if you ask me… Well, you know what they say; hell hath no fury little a little immortal bookworm’s scorn.
That’s in the Bible; look it up.
I sputtered, looking back at the guards, who also looked as shocked as I'm sure I did, and it fucking was excessive !
“NO,” I pretty much yelled, spreading my arms as far as my chains would let me. “Fuck it, stone me. I’ll take nightmares over that .”
The princesses looked surprised for some reason. “Really?” Cadence—Cadence , I need to remember that; it’s really easy to forget—said.
I nodded, while I saw Moonbutt lean toward her sister, blushing for some reason, and whispered something in her ear.
Sunbutt looked down at me with concern. “Are you sure, Bob? It’s been so long since anypony's volunteered to become a statue…”
She jumped when I patted her leg, and, flashing her my best cheeky smile, I said, “I’m not a pony, Tia,” her irritated look was back; she hated that nickname. “It can’t be that bad, I’ll get shit on by some birds, I’ll be bored—“
“And the nightmares, don’t forget those!” One of the guards helpfully added.
Wisely, we ignored him. “—I need to be punished, yadda, yadda, yadda, just stone me.”
“Are you--“
I groaned. “Come on; just hit me with your magic-friendship-princess thing.”
“…I don’t think I’ve ever seen anypony that wanted to be petrified so badly,” Moonbutt breathed, looking at me in awe.
“If you’re sure,” Sunbutt said, her and her royal posse backing away from me. “Then it appears that we have no choice…”
I felt kinda bad at the really sad look she was giving me, but then I remembered the community service, and piss on that.
“Bob Johnson, I, Princess Celestia, diarch of Equestria, lady of the sun, and protector of the realm, sentence you to confinement by petrification for ninety-six hours,” Her and the other princesses eyes light up as their horns glowed.
“May the ancestors have mercy on your soul .”
Now, I could be a Bad-boy Mc. Liarpants and tell you I just grinned when their giant magic beam of death was flying toward me, but since I’m a pretty honest Joe, I’ll tell ya the truth.
I did that while snapping into a slim-jim…
…Annnnnd I kinda… screamed like a little girl…
Crash!
Oh shit, I need to get into a good position so my statue looks cool! The part of my brain that wasn’t screaming in terror thought. Now, what should it be…
Unfortunately, when I tried to move my arms to give the ol’ one finger salute, or move anything for that matter, I noticed that I couldn’t move.
Holy shit, it…worked? I thought as the princess—which I could see still by the way—looked at me with a mixture of sadness, respect, and…happiness from Books…
Man, Books is the worst…
“Well, it is done,” Sunbutt said sadly, getting a bunch of nods from the gaggle of princesses.
“Poor, Bob,” Cadence muttered, trotting over and touching my stone cheek softly. “He should’ve just taken the lesser punishment…”
Lady, I did!”
Moonbutt shrugged. “We have him a chance, Niece, he made his own choice,” She gave me this really weird look. “His… rather brave choice~.”
“Hopefully, after this, Bob will learn his lesson,” Sunbutt said, turning away from me. “Come, let’s make our way back to the castle, there is still much for my sister and I to do and I’m sure that Twilight and Cadence would like to spend time together.”
“Actually,” Ca—you know what? The pink alicorn is Lovebutt now… Candance, Cadence, Cedence, it's just easier…. “I brought Shiny with me, so the three of us could spend the next few days together.”
Books nodded, waving her fellow princesses away. “I’ll meet you at my mom’s house, Cadence,” she said, looking at me slyly. “I want to look at Bob for a little longer. I never used a spell this powerful before and I’d like to run a few tests…”
She leaned in toward me. “Hey, Bob,” she whispered. “Shake your head if you don’t want me to look through your things in the name of science.”
If I could, my eyes would’ve widened. They have my house keys!
Twilight , I thought angrily. You stay out of my shit; you hear me you crazy purple horse?!”
Said crazy purple horse sat down in front of me and started rubbing her hooves together. “Yes… I’ll be able to hopefully get skin samples from your house, and hair; possibly fluid samples if I’m really lucky…”
You’re the worst pony, Twilight, THE. WORST. PONY!
“Oh the scientific possibilities!” she leaned in and pecked me on the nose before galloping away. “FOR SCIENCE! ”
…Man, damnit… I thought. …Well, hopefully she cleans up my house while she’s messing around in it.
…I wonder what I’m supposed to do now…
…And then a bird shat on me.
I can already tell that it’s not gonna be that great being a statue…
Author's Note
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"
Yep, I'm doing this...
You know, other than the birds, this really isn’t this bad.
Sunbutt keeps telling me that I need to get out a little more—though I keep telling her that I burn like a freakin’ vampire, but she’s a horse, with a coat, so I guess it’s not her fault—and boy am I out right now.
At least the sun’s out and it’s a pretty day, I thought, using my magnificent brain to think of something fun to do. Eavesdropping sounded like the best thing to do, since I kinda couldn’t move, so there’s that… I guess.
“And did you know what she said to me?”
Immediately, my ears perked up—they didn’t re—oh, you know what I mean, you’re a big boy/girl, you know metaphors when you hear them—at the sound of two mares making their way over to where I was.
Well, there we go, I thought, looking around as much as I could, trying to find out where they were.
Come on, I don’t want to think of anymore statue jokes! Where are you, where are you, whe—there you are!
I, internally, grinned when I saw my two favorite maids, who also happened to be sister’s, Swiffer and Feather Duster.
“What did they say to you?” Swiffer asked her sister while I was trying to get a good look at her goods, or ass-ets’, if you prefer. I may get in trouble doing it when I can move but I’ll abuse this now that I have the power damnit!
I guess you could say…. That I’m a little on the down-low right now…
…Get it? Because I’m a statue that’s on the ground on its knees?
Yep, gonna have to try to up my joke game…
“She said to me,” thankfully, the two stopped right in front on me, so I could gawk/eavesdrop to my heart's contend. “She said to me—“
Man, look at that thing… I thought. Bounce a bit off that flank. End world-hunger with that ass… Feather’s ass for princess! Give that thing a standing ovation…
“—Holy hay, look at that!”
I was brought out of my dirty thoughts by Feather’s slightly irritating voice, ‘looking’ at the two as they looked back at me.
“Doesn’t that look a little like Bob to you?” Swiffer asked her sister, who was poking my chest with a hoof.
Yes, it’s me, now poke lower.
Feather snorted. “Don’t get me started on that stallion.”
Swiffer nudged her while I ‘raised’ an eyebrow. The heck do you mean?
“Aw, Bob isn’t that bad…”
I was poked a little harder, Feather giving me a stony expression… Now, that was better than the last one, but I can do better.
“If I could get away with it, I’d smack that monkey upside his head.”
Swiffer sat down while I silently huffed. “Oh really?”
Feather sat down next to her, putting away dat asss—which, while I was disappointed, I understood. That thing could be considered a lethal weapon after all.
“Do you know that every time he sees me, he tries to look at my flank?”
Don’t flatter yourself, Honey; I look at all the ladies flanks.
“And he makes Blueblood look clean! Did you know what I found in his room the other day?”
…A clean room that was filled with sunshine and happiness and puppies?
It looked like he tore up his bed sheets, there was something green sticking to the walls, and there were candy wrappers everywhere !”
...Alright, I can't explain those away... But in my defense, that goo wasn't my fault...
I was hit again, this time with a horseshoe.
“It’s not that he’s a bad stallion, in fact, I think he’s alright, but he needs to bucking pick up after himself.
…Well, we all have a statue of limitations… Hehe, I need to remember that one…
Swiffer patted her sister on the shoulder. “Why don’t you just tell him then, Feather? Bob is a perfectly reasonable—“
“Did you hear that he started a riot the other day?”
I mentally laughed as Swiffer sputtered. “W-What?!”
Feather nodded, and, oddly, I was starting to silently wish that the two would just stop being coy with each other and start to make out… You know, because twins?
“Yeah, I heard from Dusty, who heard it from a guard, who heard it from his sister’s aunt, that our little alien was a naughty boy the other day.”
Come on… Just make out
Swiffer gasped. “Oh, was anypony hurt?”
Her sister, who was really going to get a talking to when I got out of here, snorted. “Of course not,” Feather said dismissively. “The dummy just tried to fight a few gryphons, got his flank kicked, and got about a hundred other ponies to run around with him like morons.”
Seriously… Just make out… I’m as hard as a rock here…
“I wonder what the Princesses are going to do about that,” Swiffer mused, me starting to feel a little left out. I mean, there was no incest, I wasn’t listening to anything juicy, no one was shaking their ass in my face, and my back was starting to itch.
All-in-all, I wasn’t doing that great. It would turn right around if I get an ass shake though…
Feather got up with a grunt. “They’ll probably glare at him for a few minutes while Princess Luna silently undresses him and Princess Celestia debates about doing the same..”
Now my stony frown was turned upside down. This was what I was waiting for! There’s no better gossip than trashing your bosses gossip.
“Is that bet still going on which princess tries to jump Bob’s bones first?”
Oh, here we go!
“Yeah, I think so.”
“What does everypony think?”
Feather wiggled around on the ground, trying to get a little more comfortable, I guess. “It’s pretty much even for both of them,” she said quietly, looking around like Sunbutt or Moonbutt were just around the corner.
“Honestly, I hope one of them gets some; it’ll at least relax the two. Every mare needs to get her swerve on once on a while, you know?”
Oh, I know, Feather… God, this is awesome! I need to be a statue more!
Swiffer gave her sister a naughty smile. “Yeah, or sooner or later they’ll be humping tables!”
I laughed, heartedly—as heartedly as a Russian stew—with these two wonderful, horrible sister’s.
God, I thought. You guys are gonna kiss my ass so hard when I tell you two about this!
After a minute or two of laughing, the two got back up and dusted themselves off. “Hey, Feather, honestly, if you had to, would you buck Bob?”
The two started to walk back down the trail, leaving me once again to my lonesome. I got a good look at two grade-A asses, but still, I wanted to hear that last bit; if not for the funniness, than for curiosity’s sake. I also wanted to know if I could get in on that betting action.
Straining my hearing as strainingly as I could, I heard, at least I think, a distinct yes, which left me ‘grinning’ like a fool.
Hey, what is a statues favorite video game? Marble!
What’s a statues favorite drink? Lime, on the rocks!
Zing!
Anyway, once again, now that they wouldn’t be interrupted with their shitting on me, I had at least fifty birds circling my stony behind, each of those little feathery bastards looking at me with their little beety eyes.
Man, fuck birds!
Leave me the fuck alone! I mentally roared as one landed on my shoulder. My eyes widening when I saw a certain phoenix perching on my shoulder. Oh fuck, Philomena!
Unlike her owner, this particular bird happened to hate my guts with the intensity of a thousand suns. Big suns. Really, really big, hot suns. Unfairly, I might add. I mean, it’s not like I meant to bump all of that water on her…
Or hit her with that pie…
Or give her wing rot…
All of those were incredible, and hilarious, coincidences’ that almost had nothing to do with me.
You leave me alone, you cheap, dangerous light bulb, I thought as the bird narrowed its eyes at me before giving my head a peck.
Go back to Sunbutt, tell her big ass to get out here and keep me inter—annnnd you shit on me…. Now that I had four days to myself, I knew what I was going to think of. How to kill birds… I’m sure that it’s not gonna be… a bust…
Get it? A bust is another name for a… aw, fuck it, never mind…
Author's Note
I couldn't find another statue joke because, believe it or not, they're not that common...
There’s really not that much that happens in the gardens at night—go figure-- so I did the only thing a guy that couldn’t move, blink, or talk could do. I looked down and started to count blades of grass while humming folksongs.
And no, that’s not crazy. That's FUCKING bored.
I got to about ten-thousand before I realized that was the worst thing that I could be doing with my statue time, so, not being able to sleep for reasons, I just made up more statue jokes until Sunbutt’s sun rose in the sky.
They’ll never take me for granite again… That’s a good one, I thought, looking around, trying to find something that wasn’t another statue or bird or fucking blade of grass, something that could break this hell that was my boredom.
I didn’t see anything for hours, but, as soon as the sun came up, I heard a gaggle of giggles—don’t look at me like that—coming from behind me, so that was something.
“Fleur, we can’t do this out here!”
“Hush! We will not be caught, my Dear, it is too early for anypony else to be out and about. I have you all to myself for the next few hours~.”
Is that Blue?” I thought, really wishing I could look around. Does he have a lady friend with him?
If he did then, well good for him. I was always on the fence about whether or not the guy was playing for the other team, but since I guess he wasn’t, I didn’t need to get nervous whenever he took me and a couple of the other guys out for cider. Probably, he could still be bi after all.
This was when I realized that I probably owed a pony ten bits because of a bet.... Stop looking at me like that; you've never had a gay-bet on one of your buds before!
There was a bit more shuffling behind me before Blue poked his head out from my side with…
Is that Fleur de lis?!
Blue isn’t gay and he’s macking on supermodels?! I know he’s a Prince and everything, but Jesus., good for him.
The two were giggling like little a pair of kids on a sugar-high, Blue practically hopping in place as the FUCKING SUPERMODEL stopped to look at me. “What an odd statue,” she muttered, her voice like every wet dream I’ve ever had and melted dark chocolate all wrapped into one.
Damn, Blue! You HAVE to be packing; probably got a five-dollar foot-long down there, don’t ya?
Blue stopped walking to join his probably fuck-buddy, looking at my magnificent mug. “That looks like somepony I know,” Blue said quietly, looking around like he expected somebody to see them.
“It doesn’t have a podium,” Fleur observed, while I ‘rolled’ my eyes.
I can see why they don’t pay you for your brains, Honey, I thought, hoping that she would be a dear and turn around so I could check out dat flank. And you shouldn’t be paying attention to me, you have some sort of porn star right next to you, so you better get on that.
Blue nodded at what the mare said, poking me with a hoof. “I’ve honestly never seen a statue like this before,” If I could have, I would’ve bitten him when he poked my nose, just to scare the shit out of him “And I’ve walked these gardens since I was little."
I knew it was going to get interesting when Fleur, looking over at him with a sly smile, reached back and smacked his flank. “And you’re not little anymore, my big Colt~.”
Finally! I never thought I was going to see something like this! I thought, internally rubbing my hands together. Well, let’s get a move—
“Did you bring Big Joe?”
“Of course, Petit Ami. Just let me let him strapped on and the fun can begin~.”
—On?
Now, I’m not really a guy to judge these types of things, what you do in the bedroom is your business, but when I’m given a front fucking seat for… whatever’s gonna happen, I think I have the right to judge you just a little bit.
…Annnd she pulling out a strap-on. A big strap-on…
“Hurry up, Honey, I can’t wait!”
Maybe I don’t have to pay Hoplite those ten bits an—oh, here we go...
I tried, oh god dammit I tried, to look away when the final strap was tightened, when Blue wiggled his rump and lifted his tail, but, still being a statue, I couldn’t even close my eyes to block out what was absolutely going to be a shit show.
“You better bite your hoof, Blueblood, because Je vais dans un endroit sec!”
I won’t go into details about what happened during those fifty minutes—yes, I counted—but I will tell you, with the utmost certainty, that you DO NOT want to know. It was emotionally draining to watch… Like if you ever get the chance to watch a guy bone a burning dolphin… Don’t think about that too much, I’m still a little…out of it…
…I will have nightmares for the rest of my life…
*Shudder*
Just happy thoughts, just happy thoughts, just happy thoughts—
“There’s my favorite human! How are you doing on this fine Tuesday morning? ”
I crawled out of my happy-place to look up, Dizzy staring down at me with that little look of his, which was a little too smug for my liking right now. Drinking the glass from his glass of chocolate milk that he was holding and throwing the milk over his shoulder, he flicked my nose and said, “So, who’s this been treating ya?”
Hey, don’t flick me, Fucker! You might chip something!
The big ol’ silly Frankenstein raised an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t worry about that,” he said, while I ‘blinked’ in surprise. “As soon as Celestia decides to let you go, the spell she'll use will fix everything that’s damaged on you.”
…You can hear me? I asked, while he wrapped his weird snake body around me.
“Of course I can hear you, Bob!” Dizzy said, waving a paw dismissively. “And I thought Twilight taught you better manners than that!” He gave me a little pouty look. “When somepony asks you how you’re doing, you usually need to ask them back for politeness sake.”
…How are you doing, Dizzy?... And I’m not doing to good; thank you for asking…
He smacked my shoulder with a paw. “There you go! I’m doing very well, Bob, thank you for asking!”
Fucking smartass…
He gasped. “Bob, watch that mouth of yours! You never know when other ponies are around, and here you are using racial slurs like some kind of inconsiderate beast.”
I ‘raised’ an eyebrow while he tsked me. Ass is a slur?
His red eyes twinkled mischievously while he snapped a claw, summoning another glass of milk. “No, but I love it when you get that look on your face,” With another snap, he had a straw. “Stone cold it is.”
I ‘sighed’. You’re the worst…
He did a little spin in the air before landing right next to me. “You are not the first to tell me that, my little Human,” he purred, tracing my jawline in what I hoped was a totally no-homo way.
“And I recall that you said that your morning has been,” He hummed at me with a knowing look on his face. “Difficult .”
I ‘sighed’ again. You have no idea…
The way he nodded almost made me think that he actually knew what I had went through, but in a flash his little grin was back. “Did somepony put you on a pedestal?”
When I get out of this…
He just chuckled, floating in front of me. “Weeelll, would it make you feel any better if I told you that a certain purple princess was arrested the other day for breaking and entering?”
I didn’t know whether to groan or laugh. She broke into my house? I asked.
He nodded, looking down at his claws. “Yep, a concerned citizen saw that our newest princess was doing something… naughty,” He winked. “He or she dug deep and decided to do the right thing and call the guard on her.”
Now I was laughing. Did she get anything good?
“Just a few pair of socks, cups, and your toothbrush, nothing that you can’t get in a day… Though she DID break one of your windows… And a coffee table.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, Books is the WORST.
Thanks, Dizzy, you’re a real pal.
He bowed before turning away. “Well, it has been a joy talking to you, Bob, but I must be off. Fluttershy and I are having tea at eleven,”
He waved. “You should go and lay down; you look as stiff as a rock.”
Ha ha ha, you’re real funny, Dizzy.
“Somepony has to be. If everypony acted as stony as you the world would be a dull place.”
I guess if was an off day for the gardens, cause there really weren’t that many ponies running around, so I was back to thinking up statue jokes for the rest of the day.
At least until Moonbutt’s moon rose in the sky…
It’s Sedimentary my dear Watson, though only one of my statue may be able to see it.
…I was thinking up good ones all day, I swear! That one was just… Look, it wasn’t by best work and I was getting close to losing it, so I can say a few shitty jokes every once in a while, alright?
I ‘looked’ up at the moon and the stars. There’s nothing to do, but at least the stars are pretty, I mused, staving off madness enough to hear someone’s wings flapping toward me.
I growled. That better not be bats. I don’t want bat shit on me too.
“There thou are,” a really creepy voice whispered in my ear, almost scaring me out of my… statue… I guess…
Please don’t be some crazy pony with a bat, please don’t be a crazy pony with a b—Oh… it’s just Moonbutt…
Said princess sat in front of me, ruffling her feathers with the weirdest look on her face. “He is right there to practice on,” she muttered, looking up at me before gulping. “Thou art the Regent of the Moon, Thou can practice on one who will never remember this without losing thy nerve!”
And what the heck are you practicing on me, Moonbutt? I thought while the alicorn started pacing in front of me, nervousness clearly etched on her face.
“Hello, Sir Bob,” she said after a minute. “It is a lovely night, is it not?”
Even though you’re being adorable, Moonbutt, you can’t hear me… I think, so it really doesn't matter, does it?
She looked down and muttered to herself. “No no, We have to say it with more authority!” Her widdle chest puffed out and she looked into my eyes.
“Hello, my Subject, is our night not lovely?” She giggled, a hoof going to her mouth. “Ah, yes, of course you may complement us and our night… Nay, We demand that thou sing of our beauty!”
She touched my cheek. “Oh, thou would like to ask us to join thee on a midnight stroll?” She blushed, looking away from me. “Thou wish to take us out to dinner?...”
I watched this whole worrying—and REALLY adorable— scene play out in front of me with a little mental smile. Aw, does Wuna have a crush?... I honestly don’t know whether to be scared or flattered…
The widdle princess leaned closer to me. “Of course We would go with you…” She leaned in and pecked me on the cheek before dashing away. “Yes, that is how it will work out! You can do this, you can do this, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!”
…I guess somepony’s asking me out then…
Not the weirdest thing that’s happened to me today, I guess. Shit, I might even let her get to tier eleven…
Not able to help myself, I thought, I wonder if that could be considered… statuetory rape?
Author's Note
I've been REALLY busy lately--and I have a thirty mile walk tomorrow--so this has less editing than I'd like, so please, do me a favor and point out any errors.
Day Three: ...Kinda Gotta Pee
Have you ever heard that one weird nursery rhyme: First comes the worst, second is the best, third something or other?
Well, let me just do a little revision so it can be a little more statue ‘friendly’: The first day is alright, man, the second day is tight, man, but dis the third day, ‘cause it ain’t alright, man. Because let me tell you, there was nothing that happened all day.
No one was running around doing horrible things that would scar me for life, none of the maids were around, so I couldn’t listen to any horribly incriminating things that I would be using after I got back to normal; hell, the birds weren’t even out and about, so I couldn’t bitch about them shitting on me.
…I almost miss those little shit factories…
Anyway, there I was… being a statue and bored out of my mind. Not even the statue jokes were helping, so I was just staring at the sky, looking at the clouds and trying not to lose my mind.
That one looks like a house… a slightly triangle-y house. And that one over there kinda looks like a… dick? Yeah, it’s definitely a big ol’ Johnson…. You can see the balls and—
“There he is, Shining!”
If I could, I would’ve sighed in relief. Oh thank Christ, something other than other statues or clouds to look at! I thought, trying my very hardest to look around to see who was sneaking up on me. Come on, don’t go and walk around me. I don’t want any false hope an—
THUNK!
I’m sure you’ve seen that dumb thing in the movies where when something bad happens everything will slow down so the main character can watch everything that happens around him, and I’m sure you think that it’s pretty dumb. Well, I, Bob Johnson, can tell you that if it ever happens to you, there will be nothing dumb about it.
I had to watch as some genius smashed right into me and knocked. My. Flippen’. Finger. OFF. Not just kinda off, I mean OFF , like I got to see if fly through the air while I screamed my own head off in surprise and horror. I might not have hurt, but I DIDN’T HAVE A FREAKEN’ FINGER ANYMORE!!!
So, naturally, to the best of my ability, I told this mystery villain (I still couldn’t see who he or she was) exactly what I thought of him.
YOU DIRTY, ROTTEN, DICKHEAD!!! YOUR MOTHER SUCKS EGGS FOR BITTY BITS YOU COCK SUCKIN’ SON OF A—
“Shining! What the hay did you just do?” someone, who apparently shared my righteous fury about the loss of my favorite finger, yelled at the offender, who back up until I could clearly see him.
It was a pretty big—compared to ponies; not me— white unicorn who now had the unfortunate deal of being the only human’s mortal enemy. Even though he didn’t look like he meant it I was still going to do… horrible things to him when I got out of here for knocking off my pinkie!
I’m even sure that I could get away with throwing him off a balcony or something. I’ve seen enough C.S.I, and I think I’m an endangered species and stuff, so he could kiss his furry little ass goodbye while I walked away with just minorish jail time.
“Oh horseapples! I think I knocked something off!” the unicorn shouted, frantically looking around while I continued to cuss him out. “Cadence, did you see something fly into the air?”
One of the other princesses… Cadince, Candyce?... eh, trotted into my field of vision with a stern look on her face. “You need to me more careful, honey, I’m sure that Bob here doesn’t want to wake up and see that he’s missing anything.”
I’M GONNA SHOVE MY SIZE ELEVEN’S SO FAR UP YOUR FURRY BUTT MY LEG HAIR WILL TICKLE YOUR THROAT YOU—
This ‘Shining’ horse-guy gave her a sheepish look. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I just caught my hoof on something and—“
The pretty pink princess leaned over and gave his cheek a nuzzle. “I’m sure that Bob here will forgive you when you find whatever fell off him.” She looked me over closely. “It looks like you’ll be looking for a little finger; isn’t that right, Bob?”
HATE! HAAAAATE!!! I’M GONNA KILL YA YOU DIRTY EXCUSE FOR A PACK ANIMAL! AND THEN I’M—
Shining nodded. “I’ll go get it right now.” He gave me a quick once over. “You know, this really doesn’t look like somepony who’d start a riot.”
I’M GOING TO KILL YOU TO DEATH YOU SON OF A—
Horse-princess shrugged, giving me a little pat on the head. “Oh, I heard that he’s actually a nice guy once you get to know him. He just had a few too many drinks one night and one thing led to another…”
Smiling, she gave him a nudge. “I’ve seen what happens when you have one too many with a few of your friends, Shining, I’m sure he’s no different.”
Dick-horse cocked his head at me. “Then why didn’t he just spend a few nights in jail instead of this?” he asked her, while I calmed down just a little bit.
“He told us he’d take this punishment, so we gave it to him,” the princess said, actually sounding a little sad. “I still feel a little bad about it. Can you imagine what he’s probably going through right now? You heard what auntie Luna told us: he’s facing nightmares that I’m sure we couldn’t even guess at!”
If you don’t go get my flippin’ finger RIGHT NOW I’ll show you a nightmare, pink horse!
Sadly, since she couldn’t hear my oh so witty remark, the princess continued, “And you’ve seen how hard auntie Celestia’s taking this. Did you know that I heard her crying in her room the other day?”
That made me stop my huffing and puffing. …She was crying, really?...
Shining looked a little glum when he heard that little bit of information. “Yeah, Twily told me the other day.” He huffed, his ears pinning themselves to his head. “Did you know that I had to get her out of jail the other day?” he asked, probably trying to turn the conversation to less heavy waters. “Apparently she broke into someponies house the other day and got caught.”
Pretty pink princess pony giggled. “I heard about that. Discord said something about her having a boxful of Bob’s clothes.”
“Twily broke into this guy’s house?”
“Yeah, one of the guard’s—“
I don’t think I hear a single thing either of the two day after that little bombshell of theirs, which may not have meant anything to them, but it meant something to me.
Because I Bob ‘The Rock’ Johnson had made a very good friend my mine cry. Someone who had fed, clothed, and just generally taken care of my handsome self; she even made sure I got a job that’d help me afford living in a place like Canterlot for crying out loud!
…Don’t worry, Sunshine, I thought, suddenly realizing that this little ‘vacation’ of mine might be a good time to do some serious soul-searching…. with maybe a bit of time to think up a proper way to say sorry to my favorite sun horse, I’ll make it up to you…
Author's Note
Yeah! I finally got some free time to do this!
There was a saying in Canterlot that was almost as old as the city itself: ‘Rest easy not thee who sat on the throne’. Celestia could see why ponies would say something like that; she herself couldn’t really recall the last time she had slept well. Whether it was because of duty, some paperwork that needed to be done, or she just couldn’t bring herself to close her eyes, Celestia would usually spend most nights either working or wondering the castle.
But something else had been keeping the pony princess up for the past few nights and she didn’t particularly care for them whenever they ‘graced’ her sleeping patterns: horrible, horrible nightmares. This night was not an exception.
“NO!” She yelled, her eyes snapping open as she rose to a sitting position. Her wings were flared, ready to take her body through the air to save him from falling, but then she remembered where she was; which was a good thing too, last time she had woken up like this she had almost put a hole through the wall.
Trying to steady her breath, she closed her eyes. “It was just a dream,” she muttered, putting her head in her hooves. “It was just a dream…”
The last few days had been a little… off for the white alicorn… well more off than usual.
Ever since she had petrified Bob, a dull ache had made a home in her chest. It was an ache that had brought back the nightmares; it was an ache that had forced her to hide in her bathroom, crying her eyes out when she thought no one would miss her. And unfortunately it was an ache that she was all too familiar with: the ache of failure.
She had felt it when she had slowly watched Discord fall into madness and had been powerless to stop it, and she thought she was done with it when she and Luna had stopped him with the elements, but then she was forced to watch her own sister fall into the abyss because of her own failures.
Should I have spent more time with them? Did I not tell them I cared about them enough? Was there something, anything that I could have done to help them? With every perceived failure Celestia asked herself these questions, again and again and again and again, until she was ready to pull her feathers out, scream to the heavens, and throw her crown and smash it into a million pieces, she asked herself these questions.
Even when staring down what was left of an enemy she felt sorrow, which was why she forced herself to keep her failures out in the gardens. A ruler should never forget the evil she has to do to protect her people, which was why what she did to Bob felt like a dagger to the heart.
Bob wasn’t a necromancer hell-bent on destroying the world, nor was he some world-conquering god; he was simply a normal creature. He lived in her city, he paid taxes (usually), and he also happened to be her friend.
He didn’t care that she was a super powerful alicorn with thousands of years of experience, he didn’t care that she was the ruler of a whole country, he simply cared about who she was, even if he had an odd way of showing it. It was this reason why Discord had taken such a liking to him, as well as Luna, and even she found the trait refreshing after so many years of dealing with brownnosers and suck-ups. To Bob, they were simply Dizzy, Luna, and Celly, and to them he was just Bob, the alien that worked down the street at that seedy shipping company that probably also housed a fight club.
It was his simplicity, his normalness, that made her regret not just giving him a stern talking to. Did he deserve to be punished? Of course, he did start a riot, a riot which took hours to quell, but he didn’t deserve to face whatever hellish nightmares that she had forced upon him.
Seeing that she wasn’t going to get anymore sleep, and also seeing that it was almost time for her to raise the sun anyway, she rose from her bed and made her way toward her bathroom. There was nothing that I could do, she thought for what felt like the thousandth time, the nobles were in an uproar and Bob was being too stubborn.
With a spell she flicked on her bathroom light and looked at her mirror, a tired-looking and sad pony staring back at her. With a sigh, she levitated over her comb and started to untangle the mess that her mane had become.
I warned him what would happen if we used that spell on him. I may feel bad about it but he needed to be punished. She winced when she almost pulled a hunk of her mane out of her head form tugging a little too hard. There was truly nothing I could do…
You could have done something, a small part of her mind insisted. You should have just gone out with him in disguise like you usually do. The two of you would have gone to some bar, had too much to drink, and he would have had to carry you home like the last few times. Nothing would have happened, nopony would’ve gotten hurt; but no, he asked you and you—
Celestia opened the eyes she didn’t realize that she had closed and rolled her aching jaw; it felt like she had been grinding her teeth together. “I need to get a hold of myself,” she muttered, turning on her sink and splashing her face with water, “Today’s the day we release Bob. Twilight and the others are probably already out there, so all I need to do is raise the sun and we can set him free.”
Hopefully he’ll be the same Bob that you turned into stone.
“I know he will be. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it, Bob is stronger than he appears; he will be the same laughing young man that I know and… like.”
Discord wasn’t the same when he was released; he still won’t say what he experienced during—
Celestia ignored the voice, brushing her teeth, applying a little make-up to hide how haggard she actually was, and putting on her finery. Giving herself a final look-over in her mirror, the alicorn slowly made her way out into her balcony.
After rising the sun for almost longer than she could remember, she didn’t need to be told the time; her sun was an extension of herself after all this time, rising it was as natural as breathing. Rays of red and orange and yellow pierced the dull inky grey that was the night as her sun surfaced over the mountains to the east.
Celestia closed her eyes, letting her power flow through her. Inch by inch by inch the sun rose to its full glory in the sky, telling each and every creature in her kingdom that the darkness had been chased away and they all could go out and enjoy her day.
With what she promised as her final sigh of the day, Celestia opened her eyes to one of her favorite sights. Her sun, now slowly moving on its own accord, lit up the sky, turning the grey into blue, and with the rays of orange and yellow and red still shining throughout it was a sight that could not be described with words.
And, for some reason, it didn’t bring that usual burst of joy to her heart that it usually did.
They do say that a sunrise is best enjoyed with another, Celestia couldn’t help but muse, looking up at her sun for a moment longer before turning away and making her way toward the door.
Upon opening the door, she was greeted by an escort of day guards, two alert-looking stallions that had just switched shifts with the night watch if she had to guess. After a quiet good morning and a fake smile to the both of them, Celestia started down the hallway and toward the gardens with the guards in tow.
“Pardon my speaking, princess,” one of the guards said, “but the sun rise was lovely this morning.”
“It was, your highness,” the other agreed. “The sergeant and I saw it when we were making our way here.”
Celestia looked back at the two of them and smiled, genuinely this time. “I try my best, my little ponies,” she said, “and thank you for the
When was the last time I ever watched a sunset with someone? The princess couldn’t help but think as she turned the corner.
“It’s been so long that I can’t remember,” she whispered, not knowing whether to be amused or saddened by the fact.
She waved him off. “I was just muttering to myself, sergeant, you need not concern yourself with it.” The guard nodded, leaving Celestia to her thoughts until they reached the gardens.
“The two of you stay here until I am finished with my business,” Celestia said, turning toward them. “The spell that we will be casting might be dangerous to those non-casters that are too close.”
The guards saluted. “As you will, highness,” one of them said while the both of them planted the butts of their spears into the ground. “We will also make sure that none enter the gardens.”
Thanking them, Celestia slowly made her way toward the gardens statues, eyeing every weathered face like it was an old friend, some of which could have been long ago. Now where was—
“Sister, over here!” A voice called from across a row of statues, making Celestia’s head perk up. Well, I guess that’s where he is, she thought, following her sister’s voice toward an empty section of the gardens, where she saw Bob, still as he was since she left him four days ago.
She couldn’t help but notice how small the man was on his knees, or how oddly peaceful he seemed. Maybe he actually wasn’t having the nightmares, she thought, daring to hope. Maybe he’s actually just dreaming happy dreams… That happy thought was immediately squashed when she remembered that the human had screamed when they petrified him, from pain or out of terror she dared not think about.
There were her fellow princesses, an eager Luna, a tired Cadence, who was leaning on an equally tired-looking Shining, and a disgruntled Twilight, who had a house-arrest beeper around her leg. Seeing that almost made her laugh but she stopped herself. While it was mildly amusing hearing about how her old student had been arrested, she was still upset with her for breaking and entering into someone else’s home for no better reason than to steal their underwear; at the very least she could have stolen his fridge, maybe valuables, but underwear ?!
Shaking her silly thoughts from her head, she said, “Good morning everypony; are you all ready to cast the spell?”
Luna nodded eagerly. “Of course, sister,” she said, oddly the only one other than Celestia who looked truly awake at this ungodly hour. “Hopefully he’ll be no worse for wear when we are done.” She looked worried for a moment before she flashed Celestia a weak smile. “Though I’m sure that Bob will be fine, and even if he’s not I’m sure we can fix him.”
Celestia smiled back at her sister before eyeing Twilight, who flinched under her gaze. “And I’m sure there’s a certain pony here who would like to apologize to him when he wakes up,” she said with a small frown, “isn’t that right, Twilight?”
The purple alicorn huffed. “I will not apologize for trying to enlighten the world on Bobbacus Humgous!” The other three alicorn’s shared looks before looking back at Twilight. “That’s the scientific name I’m giving Bob’s species until he tells me his!” Twilight clarified with a growl. “All the great minds of the scientific world have had to break a few eggs to make the world better!”
“You broke into his house, Twilight,” Luna deadpanned.
“But—“
“You will be apologizing to him, Twilight,” Celestia added, amusement laced with sternness in her voice, “otherwise I will make sure that your community service hours will be put to cleaning out the sewers.”
“And I will make sure your hours are doubled,” Luna growled, Twilight opening her mouth before shutting it with a snap.
“…Yes princess,” she said her tail tucked in-between her legs while she looked down at the ground.
Seeing her ex-student sufficiently cowed, Celestia forced herself to look back at Bob. Swallow thickly, she said, “Alright, Shining, I would advise you to shield yourself while we do this. This particular spell is quite a bit more powerful than the spell we used to turn Bob into a statue.”
Nodding, Shining did as he was asked, giving his wife a nuzzle before taking a few steps backwards and magicking a shield around himself.
Checking to see if anypony was anywhere where they shouldn’t be, and finding that everyone was in place, Celestia looked at her fellow princesses before her horn lit up with magic. “Ready girls?” she asked calmly.
“Yes.”
“Of course.”
“…Yes.”
“Then we will begin.” Taking a deep breath and clearing her mind, Celestia let her magic flow through her body. What she and her fellow princesses were about to accomplish was one of the most difficult things that a magic user could do: change something back to its original form.
While it was easy to change something into something else with magic—say, turning an apple into an orange—completely turning it back took far more magic and concentration than most could do. Just an iota less of magic could leave parts of Bob stone, and too much magic could tear his body apart before it could even be reformed.
This was magic that no had leeway; they either completed the spell to perfection or they failed and ended up seriously hurting or maiming Bob.
Thankfully—for Bob’s sake anyway—four of the most experienced and powerful casters on the planet were about to cast the spell on him, so he had nothing to worry about… probably.
Celestia’s magic hit the human’s chest as quick as an arrow, Luna’s following right behind to hit Bob’s lower body. Cadence and Twilight’s beams hit either of his arms, both of the younger princesses trying not to wince when they saw hunks of stone starting to fall off the human.
“Keep going,” Celestia calmly said over the sound of stone shattering, “Another minute and he’ll be free; just keep calm and let your magic do the work.”
Chunk after chunk of stone flew off the human’s body. After a minute, he starting to slowly take on a slight glow, and then more, and then more, until the combined might of the alicorn’s magic almost made Bob brighter than the sun.
A final crack was all the warning that Celestia knew she was going to get when the spell was supposed to end, so when she heard that sharp, ear-splitting booming sound, she acted quickly. “Enough,” she said, cutting off her magic.
Twilight, Cadence, and Luna quickly cut off their spells and waited for the dust to clear, each of them wondering if they did the spell alright. Even with their power there was still a chance that maybe they didn’t complete the spell to perfection, and that they maybe might have hurt the poor human… or even worse.
Too impatient to wait, Celestia raised a wing and flapped hard, breaking up the cloud of dust and revealing a hyperventilating, but obviously alive and completely intact, Bob still on his knees.
Bob looked at each of the princess, each of whom were staring just as intently back at him, before touching his chest with a hang. Grinning, he managed to rasp out, “Heh, I can move again,” before he slowly slumped to the side, too exhausted to keep himself up anymore.
As one the princesses gasped and charged toward the human, Celestia reaching him first in an almost terror-stricken state. Hoisting the man up and cradling him in her hooves, Celestia leaned in and very gently nuzzled the human’s cheek.
“Bob,” she whispered. “Bob, are you alright?”
Bob, who’s eyes were closed, cracked an eye open to look at her. “Well, Celly,” he rasped, patting her hoof with a tired hand. “After my little metamorphic I had a few days to get sedimentary about everything and I had an igneous revelation.”
Twilight snorted, the only one in the group able to get the joke.
“My revelation is that I, Bob the builder, the iceman, esquire, M.D., fucked up and I’m sorry…. Except for that last pun; I’m not sorry about that.” Before anyone of the princesses could say, or do, a thing, Bob the human's closed his eyes and fell into his back.
