Chapter 1: Choo Choo, Motherchugger!
“Out of the way, everytrainy, I’m coming through! Fastest train in Equestrain! Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, dashoo!” Trainbow Dash shouted at the top of her whistle. The cyan speedster barreled down the track at a horsepower unmatched with her wheels as fast they could spin, a rainbow colored smoke pouring from the top of her exhaust pipe.
“You know, Trainbow Dash, you don’t need to warn us to get out of the way. We’re on separate tracks,” Raritrain reminded her. The sophisticated purple locomotive struggled to catch up with Trainbow Dash, but Raritrain’s occupation as a luxury track vessel prevented her from meeting the speeds of a cargo train such as Dash. “Plus, what’s with that ‘dashoo’ nonsense?”
“It’s called having a sense of style, Raritrain,” Trainbow Dash replied sharply. “Something I had thought you had printed on your side.”
Raritrain huffed, blowing steam from her pipes. “But it is printed on my side. Just the side you never get to see, considering you’re never on the opposite side of the tracks from me.”
“That side is for the slowpokes. I’m on the express line!” Dash yelled.
“Then what about Shuttleshy?” Raritrain asked, indicating with her eyes to the bright pink and yellow train that pulled up beside the two.
“I transport animals and animal accessories,” Shuttleshy said with the usual bell of cheer ringing in her whistle.
“Lame-choo!” Trainbow Dash snorted, a large cloud of smoke billowing out of her pipe. “I have something much more important than animals or passengers to transport today!”
“Like what?” Raritrain asked with a roll of her eyes, an indication they’d need changing soon.
“Cider!” Trainbow Dash kicked it to high gear, another cloud of rainbow smoke pouring from her pipes, further adding to the rainbow pollution of the planet.
“You mean that stuff that non-train people drink to make their own pathetic lives less unlivable?” Raritrain asked.
If she had functioning shoulders, Trainbow Dash would’ve shrugged. “I guess so. Kind of like all that diesel fuel Shuttleshy chugs down… every day.”
Both trains looked to Shuttleshy, who continued to chug forward. “I transport animals and animal accessories.”
“...Oooookay then.” Dash began ringing her bell, blowing her whistle, and flashing her blinkers on and off in a collective chorus of obnoxiousness. “Well, I’ll catch you guys at the next station. Say hello to Twiloco, Appletrack, and Piston Pie for me!” And with that, Trainbow Dash was off, leaving the two others in the dust and suffocating rainbow smoke that had already claimed the lives of millions worldwide.
Raritrain’s eyes slowly looked to Shuttleshy, who hadn’t changed speed or facial expression the entire time she had joined the two.
“So…” Raritrain muttered.
“I transport animals and animal accessories,” Shuttleshy said, her eyes as soulless and still as her engine. An electrical engine, to be exact. Which made her reasons for consuming vast quantities of diesel even more dubious than usual.
Meanwhile, Trainbow Dash was chugging along her tracks at a speed unprecedented in regards to current federal regulations, but she’d be damned if she were to let safety concerns impede her speedy delivery of the much needed cider. As she barreled down the tracks, the trees became a green blur around her, and even the tracks on her sides dissipated into grey shades. She was at top performance, her wheels spinning at an astronomical rate, smoke pouring from her top like a reverse waterfall, and her engine switched on the ever-so-dangerous and highly unwarranted speed of “Sonic Trainboom.”
All of this and more was needed to get over the hill to reach Trainville, which was currently over a hill that stood in her way. Usually it’d take over ten minutes to climb up that hill at a typical train’s pace. But Trainbow Dash was no typical train. She was a speedster, an off the rails free spirit that didn’t let the tracks dictate her life. No, she was more than that, and for the first time ever, she was going to get over that hill without braking once!
Trainbow Dash reached the upward slope of the hill, but that didn’t throw a stick in between her wheels one bit! She was rolling along just as fast as ever, a confident smirk clear on her covered in dead bugs and a random bird face.
“I think I can, I think I can,” she began to chant, psyching herself into the zone. However, that sounded a bit too drab for her style of cool, which needed to be increased by at least ten percent if she wanted to make good enough speed to get over the crest of the hill.
“I know I’m awesome, I know I’m awesome,” she cheered. Clouds of rainbow smoke spurted from her pipe in lightning bolt shapes. “I know I’m awesome, I know I’m awesome!”
However, her self-motivating chanting soon became a moot point. Already halfway up the hill, and she could feel herself slowing down. Before the top of the hill was even in sight, a pathetic cough of smoke smaller than a unicorn’s fart drifted out of her pipe, and soon enough she could barely move an inch forward.
She needed to rest, to regain her strength, cool off her engines, and perhaps have a sip or two of diesel, just to clear her clogged pipes. “I know…” she whispered, finding herself on the verge of giving up. “I know… I know… I…”
Wait a second… why was she giving up? She was Trainbow motherchugging Dash! She didn’t give up! Trainbow Dash was too awesome to give up! And by Celestrain’s shiny wheels, she’ll overcome this hill if it was the last thing she did!
“I know I’m awesome, I know I’m awesome!” she screamed. Her wheels started spinning faster and faster, a fresh plume of colorful smoke blew from her pipes. She began to eat up the feet to the top of the hill like chunks of coal, the crest just within her metaphorical reach. “I know I’m awesome, I know I’m awesome, I know I’m awesome, I know I’m awesome, I know I’m awesome!”
And just like that, Trainbow Dash was over the hill. She had done it! She had overtaken the hill without stopping once, and was now the undefeated champion of speed. She didn’t need no brakes, because she was unstoppable!
Although, at the moment, brakes would have been a good choice, since on the other side of the hill there was a straight descent to Trainville down below. At Trainbow Dash’s current speed, she was zooming down the tracks at a pace that would turn her brakes into burned mush. So fast was she that the tracks themselves threatened to give way against her swift descent, a real runaway train in the works.
“This isn’t awesome! This isn’t awesome! This isn’t awesome!” Dash bellowed, a fresh plume of smoke exploding out of her pipe like a volcanic eruption.
Before too long, the station to Trainville was in sight, and not even Trainbow Dash’s breaks could stop her now.
“Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, dashoo! Get out of the way or else you’re doomed!” Trainbow Dash screamed.
And with that, Trainbow Dash dashed off the tracks and straight on into an Alcoholics Anonymous group building, spilling cider everywhere.
On that day, Trainbow learned the important friendship lesson that trying too hard can lead to large amounts of property damage, along with getting former addicts hooked back into their former destructive life choices. So remember, little engines that could everywhere: never try hard ever again!
Author's Note
Goddamn you Pav, damn you to hell!
