Equestria: The Time Loop Files

by Golden Vision

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 2245

The horror of repetition? Try the needless insanity. Time loops, here we come.

Traveling back in time once is more than enough. But more than once, and involuntarily? Sheesh. Twilight and the rest of the Mane Six are about to find out just how "crazy" (or bored) ponies can become when exposed to decades of time looping shenanigans.

Reader come in, there's pony within. Prepare yourself for the horror, the wonder, and the insanity of the Equestrian Time Loop Files, preserved here for transdimensional hilarity. And please remember not to feed the Temporasprites.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-06 05:54:01 UTC

Welcome to the Loops

Loop Seventeen

"What's going on?" Rainbow Dash shouted as she fled through the air from what seemed to be a flying book- and moreover, one that was growling at her.  She looped around a cloud and stopped short, only to see the little beast already waiting for her.  “Oh, come on!”

"This is horrible!" Rarity cried, watching her Boutique being slowly devoured by a horde of fashion magazines.  "How could this get any worse?"

“Sis!  They’re taking away your funny costume collection!”

Rarity watched in horror as a small team of magazines dragged away some of her most eccentric- and fabulous- designs!  She ground her teeth.

“Oh, you shall pay for this!”

A nearby magazine hit her on the head with a mannequin, and Rarity hit the ground.

“Malfunction…” she mumbled, stars dancing across her eyes.

Fluttershy backed away slowly, watching a group of horticultural textbooks gather around her cottage.  The tomes snapped their covers open and shutexcitedly.  Fluttershy thought she could even see some of them holding gardening equipment.

"Oh...oh my..."

Angel Bunny readied a carrot in case of a frontal assault.  He clearly wasn’t going down without a fight.

"The...the farm," Applejack mumbled, as if in a catatonic shock. She watched in horror as a team of indignant farming annals began to topple her apple orchard.

“What’ll we do now, Sis?” Applebloom said, eyes wider than plates.  “All the trees…gone!”

“Yahoo!” Granny Smith hollered from the distance, balancing on top of a trio of bucking books.  “Ride ‘em, ponygirl!  Ride ‘em!”

"Woohoo!" Pinkie cheered, chasing after a collection of children's books.  "This is the funnest thing ever!"

The books chittered excitedly, hiding behind a nearby store.  Pinkie frowned, looking around.

“Where are you…?” Pinkie muttered, reaching behind herself as if into an invisible pocket.  Her hoof nearly disappeared into empty space.  She pulled it back out, now carrying a futuristic-looking device that appeared to have been made from felt.

“Aha!” Pinkie cried with an evil laugh, eyeing the readings on her Felt-a-Tron.  “I’ve got you now, my pretties!”

Celestia took a small sip from her tea and carefully placed it back down on its saucer.  Mint, with a light hint of honey.  Wonderful.  She took an approving glance toward the large chocolate cake sitting on the table beside her, a plate and fork waiting invitingly.

"Oh, how could I resist?" Celestia murmured with a smile, and cut herself a generous slice.  Horn glowing, the goddess raised the cake to her lips- and stopped when she heard a shrill squeak from the window beside her.

Celestia's eyes widened as she turned her head, noticing what looked to be a small book, colored bright pink on the cover, climbing up over her windowsill.

"Why, hello there," the princess said serenely, smiling as she placed her slice back onto the table with the rest of the dessert.  "Where did you come from?"

The book paused for a moment, tilting its pages to one side...and then leapt for the cake, which stood almost patiently on the Royal Snack Table.  Celestia watched in horror as the cake- a full three feet tall!- vanished into the book's pages, as if actually being consumed.  When it had finished, the book lay down on its spine, gave what sounded like a small burp, and spun around happily on the cleaned platter.  Its cover even seemed a bit swollen beyond what it had originally been.

Celestia looked at the empty platter.

She looked at the book.

Then at the empty platter.

Celestia's eye twitched.

"To the MOOOOOOON!"

Twilight Sparkle. far away from Canterlot in her own Ponyville library, clapped happily as a group of manuscripts and novels of all sizes and genres surrounded her.  Each one managed to carry an impression of both adoration and amusement on its inanimate cover.  They seemed to have taken to her Mass Come-To-Life-Spell even better than she had predicted!

"I love Vacation Loops!" Twilight cheered gleefully.

Loop Twenty-Three

"You would have me do what?" the alicorn gasped.  "Are you mad?"

Twilight shrugged, idly glancing over the back of her hoof.  "What, have me use the Elements of Harmony to overthrow Celestia and place you on the throne?  Sounds fine to me.  And I'm not insane, just moderately bored."

"But...but..." Nightmare Moon sputtered.  "You are supposed to be her student!  Her treasured prodigy!"

"Eh.  That whole protégé deal got old four Loops ago.  I'm in the middle of a...what did Rarity call it?  "Open Career Discussion"."  Twilight frowned thoughtfully.  "I'll have to ask her about it in the next Joint Loop."

"And you would do this for a title as meaningless as "Pagemaster"?" Nightmare Moon asked, still quite shocked at the complete lack of resistance she had faced upon returning from her millennium-long imprisonment.

Twilight nodded eagerly, pupils dilating as she looked about the room.  Her friends, unconscious on the floor, had been taken out easily enough by an induced vision of a female Prince Blueblood in a saucy-looking saddle.  "Sell out my kingdom and loyalty for all the books in Equestria?  Sounds like a plan.  All those lovely beautiful pages and words...mine, all MINE!  MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Nightmate Moon blinked uncertainly, wondering if she was the one who should be intimidated by this obviously unstable unicorn, rather than the other way around.  "And your plan to accomplish all of this is...?"

"Oh, to keep you occupied while my future self takes you out with a fruitcake."

"What the-"

Nightmare Moon went down hard, her armor splayed across the floor.  Twilight gave a friendly wink to her future self, who still had the remnants of the fruitcake dripping from one hoof.  Sometimes, abusing time travel for fun and profit was pretty amusing.  It was somewhat strange to travel in time while already within a dimensionally compartmentalized temporal loop, but Twilight had tried not to think about it too much.

"Pinkie never threw it out after Hearth's Warming Eve, did she?" Twilight deadpanned.

Future Twilight shrugged.  "Maybe she thought it might still be good later?  Either as a food or a blunt instrument- if it's the latter, then my respect for her seasonal cooking might just increase a little bit."

"How long until she wakes up, do you think?" Twilight asked Future Twilight, eying the groaning "Queen of the Night."

"Long enough," her future self said with a smirk.

"Shall we let Rarity loose on her?" Twilight offered.  Future Twilight grinned evilly.

"Girl, I like how you think," she said approvingly.

"Oh, Rarity," Twilight called out to the unconscious unicorn.  "Somepony needs a make-over!"

Rarity's eyes shot open instantly.  "My fashion senses are tingling!" she declared, taking in the unconscious Nightmare Moon.  She stopped in her tracks, also seeing the scattered pieces of armor laying around the alicorn's figure. "Oh, my Celestia!  She's...Twilight, this is...she's so tacky!"

Twilight smirked.  "Shall I just leave you two be?"

"Oh, but of course, darling.  I'll have this poor dear wrapped up in a jiffy."

"Go wild."

EQUESTRIAN INQUIRER

ISSUE XIV

21 DECEMBER 2012

PRINCESS CELESTIA RESTORED TO THRONE!

NIGHTMARE MOON DISAPPEARS

LAST SEEN RETURNING TO MOON, COVERED IN BOWS, RIBBONS, AND MAKEUP

"HORRIFYING YET STRANGELY HILARIOUS," REPORTS LOCAL FARMER.

Below the headlines that day, in smaller print, was a thin advertisement:

GOT TACKY?

Visit Rarity's Boutique today!

To the side was a picture of a distressed-looking, thoroughly frou-froued Nightmare Moon.  It was joined by the italicized caption:

~Endorsed by the Empress of the Moon!  Fabulous, or your money back!

Loop Thirty-Four

"Herp," Twilight chirruped, happily flying into a wall.  "Derp."

"Twilight, what the hay is going on?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.  She quickly dodged to the side to avoid being hit by the somehow-airborne unicorn.  Twilight's eyes whirled wildly in opposite directions.

"Well, Ms. Dash, if my calculations are correct, then Ms. Twilight has been infected by the 'Derp', a corrosive mental infection transmitted through the Smooze chemical."

Rainbow Dash whirled around.  Her jaw dropped.  "Derpy? But you- she- how-?"

Derpy Hooves adjusted her professional-looking glasses, her own forward-facing eyes glittering with intelligence.  "Well, you see Ms. Dash, your friend Twilight has been rendered incapable of performing any simple task other than amusing and occasionally cute "derps," some of which may be hazardous to your health.

"Don't you mean her health?" Rainbow asked skeptically, dodging a flying potted plant.

"No, yours," Derpy replied cheerfully.

"Derp!" Twilight agreed, smashing into a rather tall bookcase.

Rainbow's pupils shrank as the bookcase's large shadow began to fall toward her.  Books and magazines trembled on the shelves, pages fluttering in the midst of the oncoming danger.

Rainbow Dash swallowed.

"Oh, ponyfeathers."

"Note to self," Twilight mumbled as the next Loop's reality asserted itself around her.  "Befriend Derpy more often.  That mailmare's a lot smarter than she looks...

"...And she makes a mean banana-cinnamon muffin."

Loop Twenty-Five

The blue unicorn backed away nervously.  "The Great and Powerful Trixie is not sure if she understands."

Twilight smiled softly, patting Trixie's mane.  "Oh, you understand perfectly, Trixie.  Come on- let's be partners.  Travelling around Equestria, performing magic shows..."

Twilight's lips brushed against Trixie's ear.  "...Together."

Trixie flushed a bright red, jerking away.  "I...the Great and Powerful Trixie thanks you for the offer, but must ultimately-"

"Though we'd have to bring that guy," Twilight said, pointing her hoof toward a yellow-colored stallion standing some distance away.  He also happened to be gazing dreamily at Trixie, occasionally licking his lips.  A colored cube decorated his flank.

Trixie's eyes widened.  "...The Great and Powerful Trixie needs an adult?

Out of nowhere, Fluttershy's hooves slammed into the ground, sending tremors through the earth and birds fleeing from the nests.

"I AM AN ADULT," she bellowed, in a voice louder and deeper than any of them had ever heard.

Trixie's eyes rolled up back into her head, and she fainted dead away.

The yellow stallion wandered over and poked at Trixie's unconscious form.  "Is she going to be alright?"

"Give her a few hours and she'll be fine," Twilight said disinterestedly, watching Fluttershy fly off to do battle with a group of invading bunnies.

"And can I...?"

"Yes, you can still take her out to dinner later.  But you'll have to get the pinecones yourself."

"Much appreciated."

Twilight snorted.  "Any time, Sethisto."

Loop Twenty-Nine

"And you thought that letting Berry Punch plan the Summer Sun Celebration this year was a good idea why, exactly?" Twilight growled.

Pinkie Pie raised her hooves defensively. "Whoa, Twilight!  No need to get all maddy-waddy over this!"

"Explain.  Now.  And do not even consider continuing to speak to me in that babytalk voice or Celestia so help me I will-"

"Okay!  Geez!" Pinkie moaned dramatically.  "Fine.  Well, we couldn't get Applejack to bring the food, and you were busy off doing something with Luna, so I just took over!"  Pinkie smiled cheerily.  "Berry seemed really happy, too!  She even fell off her roof, she was so excited!"

She prodded Twilight and gave her a friendly wink.  "And don't pretend you didn't have any fun, you silly pony."

Twilight flushed.  "Well, yes, but I didn't imagine that I'd be welcoming Celestia to the Celebration not only while thoroughly inebriated, but also while poking at her Cutie Mark and complimenting her on her 'plot'."  Twilight bit her lip.  "And that was even before Berry and Vinyl started up a game of Crowd "Spin-the-Bottle" with Vinyl's turntable and Berry's secret stash."

"Aw, but even Celestia had fun!" Pinkie said innocently.

"Pinkie," Twilight deadpanned.  "This was after she'd gotten so completely and utterly smashed that she had accidentally incinerated the barn next door, started a fight in the middle of the Cakes' bakery, and had been rendered unable to say anything but "dude" or "brony" for the entire night."  She put a hoof to her forehead.  "Ugh...my brain still hurts just thinking about it all."

Pinkie grinned sheepishly.  "...I guess now's not the best time to tell you that I gave Princess Luna the pictures?"

Loop Thirty-Two

Twilight shook her head as her vision cleared.  Opening her eyes, she saw one of the few things she dreaded- another Twilight, watching her expectantly.  The Other Twilight appeared to be clad in obsidian-colored armor, a single eyepatch covering her right eye.  Behind her, a tall window looked out over an apocalyptic wasteland, the skies an utter black as the Moon pulsed an eerie red, hanging low in the sky.

Twilight groaned.  "Alternate Universe Loop?"

The Other Twilight nodded grimly.  "Eeyup.  You first."

"Vanilla Ponyville, student of Princess Celestia, Element of Magic," Twilight replied automatically.

"Adopted daughter of her Imperial Majesty Nightmare Moon, may she live forever, Lieutenant of Her Majesty's Royal Guard, etcetera, etcetera."

"Yeurgh," Twilight muttered. "Dark, angsty past?"

Lieutenant Twilight nodded.  "Goody two-shoes?"

"Got it in one."

Lieutenant Twilight whistled.  "I hate Crossover Loops," she said, looking around thoughtfully.  "Still, at least I can try to enjoy my vacation while I can."  She turned to go, and paused.

"Oh, and remember not to feed Fluttershy any hydra liver.  Just a tip."

The other Twilight vanished in a bright flash of light.

Twilight's eyes widened.  "Don't...what?"

A thunderous roar shook the building.  "MORE APPLES."

"...Oh dear..."

Loop Four

"So lemme get this here straight," Applejack said, sounding skeptical. "You're stuck in a weird time loop thingy, don't know how to get out, and are gonna try to get enough magical know-how to break out of it yourself?"

Twilight nodded happily.  "Yep!"

"And you expect us to believe all that," Rainbow Dash said.  She didn't look impressed.

Twilight was practically bouncing.  "Oh, I know you'd believe me, girls!  We-"

"Actually, I'm not sure if I believe one word."

Twilight turned toward Applejack.  "Wait...what?"

"You must admit, darling, that your story is a bit...far-fetched," Rarity admitted sympathetically.

"And...how did the loop even start in the first place?" Fluttershy asked meekly.  "Um...if you don't mind me asking, that is..."

"Agh!" Twilight groaned.  "I thought for sure you'd believe me!"

"Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, Twilight!" Pinkie put in.

"Your endorsement fills my heart with joy, Pinkie," Twilight deadpanned.

"Really?"

"No."

Loop Eighteen

"CUPCAKES!"