Dating Of A Timey-Wimey Variety

“...And then the next morning I ended up in bed with both my executioners.”

Celestia snorted, nearly spitting out her coffee. “How did you ever manage to pull that off?”

Harkness smirked and sipped his coffee, briefly grimacing as he realized it needed a smidge more sugar. “Charismatic charm? Dashing good looks? The various stories of my stunning performance being spread out?”

“Didn’t you just mention you drank three hyper-vodkas for your breakfast and everything after that became a blur?” Celestia asked with her brow arched.

With a shrug, Harkness nodded his head. “Actually, it was four hyper-vodkas, and I guess my amazing luck was probably the reason for it. Although drunken shenanigans probably played a hand as well.”

“That I am quite well versed in,” Celestia said, a frown breaking out on her features, “unfortunately.”

“Drinking getting you into messed up and often times inconceivable situations as well?” Harkness asked. He raised his cup of joe. “Tell me about it.”

“Well, it’s not like I do it all the time,” Celestia said hastily. “It’s just that, well… being a princess can be stressful, you know?”

“And then you relieve that stress through a dirty martini?”

Celestia smiled. “Well, I’m more a fan of dry martini myself. Very dry, in fact.”

Harkness winced, but still grinned all the same. “My date is a fan of dry martinis? Ooh, that might be a deal breaker, Celly.”

“I take it you’re not a fan, Jack?” Celestia asked in turn, her grin growing ever wider and more devious.

Harkness tapped his chin, face scrunched up into a playful pout. “Well, too much vermouth doesn’t appeal to me either…” Harkness sighed, slapping his hands together as he licked his lips. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to make this work then.”

“You sound so devastated about that,” Celestia said, barely able to hold back her giggles.

Harkness put his face in his hands, slowly shaking his head. “Oh, you have no idea, princess, you have no idea.”

Celestia grinned, leaning over the table so that her muzzle was right above his head. “Well, I do have an idea of what we could do tonight.”

Staring up immediately with wide eyes and an intent focus centered right on Celestia, Harkness said, “I’m listening.”

“How does going to a bar with me sound?”

Harkness’ trademark smirk made another one of its grand appearances on his handsome features. “That sounds better than treating a Prussian princess to a night on the town when Napoleon is gearing up to invade.” Holding up a finger, Harkness said, “Which, I should note, didn’t have as bad an evening as one would think.”

“Strange,” Celestia muttered. “Your world has a Prussia as well?”

“Well, more like had a Prussia. It didn’t last too much longer after Napoleon. Well, at least in regards to me living forever and far outlasting even it.”

Nodding her head, Celestia furrowed her brows. “Wait, did you have a Prance as well? What about Roam?”

Harkness stopped with his cup midway to his lips. “Um… well, we still have a France. Well, at least in the timeline I’m currently in back on Earth. And pardon me, but did you say Rome?”

“No, I said Roam.”

“Rome?”

“R-o-a-m.”

“Huh…” Harkness set his cup down and crossed his arms, staring at Celestia closely. “So basically everything in your world is a horse pun of some sort?”

Celestia huffed. “Horse pun? As if. Perhaps everything in your world is a human pun?”

“Perhaps. Perhaps.” Harkness leaned back in his seat, balancing delicately on the edge of its back legs. “So, the name of your country is Equestria?”

“Correct.”

“And it’s capital is called Canterlot?”

“Indeed.”

“And the town we are currently residing in is called Ponyville?”

Celestia tilted her head while giving Harkness a questioning look. “Yes. Why all the questions, Captain?”

Harkness threw his hands up in the air and returned his chair back on all fours. “Oh, no reason, no reason at all.” Looking around, Harkness’ eyes widened. “Oh wow, I just noticed something.”

“And that would be?”

“The coffee shop we’re at is almost entirely composed of females,” Harkness pointed out. “Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

That statement was true, since most of the coffee house’s occupants were mares, most of whom were staring at Harkness with dreamy expressions. In fact, even the few stallions that were there were ogling Harkness. It was as if he was the magnet for everyone’s attention the moment he walked in. The only one who wasn’t drooling at just the sight of him was his date, Celestia, who was giving all coffee house customers a strange look.

“In hindsight, I should have expected this when I mentioned we’d be coming to Ponyville for coffee,” Celestia said.

“Bigger female to male ratio I presume?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Way bigger ratio than you could ever imagine. Once a stallion here reaches maturity, he often enlists in the guard the moment he’s out of the house.”

“You have conscription?” Harkness asked, finishing off the rest of his coffee.

“Nah. The big rumor is that being in uniform gets you tons of mares, so any stallion worth his salt applies to become a guard right away. It’s not even to protect their country, it’s to get girls!” Celestia sighed, her head downcast. “My military force is controlled by hormones.”

“Man, how I wish I was a pony…” Harkness muttered. Coughing under his breath, he reached out and patted Celestia’s shoulder. “Hey now, buck up. Unless, like, that’s another pony pun you guys use for an insult or curse word, in which case ignore that comment.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. And in any case, at least I—”

Celestia never got to finish her sentence, on account that a hoof was pushing her muzzle down from speaking.

Pinkie Pie was practically buzzing atop Celestia’s head, staring with all intents and purposes at Harkness. From one second and then the other, she had appeared out of nowhere, and on top of Celestia’s head of all places.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie exclaimed, a smile so inhumanly large that it couldn’t possibly be real spreading out on her face. “And you must be new to Ponyville, since I’ve never seen you here before, and I know everyone!”

Taken aback for a second, Harkness was quick to cover his surprise with a good natured grin as he reached out his open hand. “Captain Jack Harkness. Pleasure to meet you, Pinkie.”

Pinkie grasped Harkness’ hand in her hoof and shook it with gusto, causing Harkness’ shoulder to nearly detach from its socket. “Oooh, a Captain! How exciting! Do you sail on the high seas in a ship? Do you search for buried treasure? Do you mop the poop deck?” Pinkie asked, firing question after question in quick succession.

Harkness smiled. “Well, I’m a bit more different than that type of Captain. But I do have a ship. Erm, for space.”

“Oh, wow, space! You’re a Space Captain! Does that mean you get to search for buried treasure in asteroids?”

“Not exactly,” Harkness laughed, his grin only widening the longer he remained in Pinkie’s presence.

“What am I, chopped liver?” Celestia asked. However, due to the obstruction of her mouth by Pinkie’s hoof, all that came out was, “Wpht em a, duaped wyver?”

At this point, she was pretty sure the entire universe, multiverse, and all of existence considered her this.