Teagate

“Thanks again for the friendly offer for coffee, President Nixon,” Luna said.

Nixon stirred his cup with a gleeful smile spreading across his jowls. “My pleasure, your majesty, my pleasure. I’m just so pleased you decided that coffee would be the more appropriate choice for… friendly discussions.”

Luna poured several teaspoons worth of sugar into her coffee, which was as black as a democrat’s heart. She took sipped her cup of joe for several seconds, her eyes traveling to the back of her skull as an ecstasy of bitter, sugary flavor slammed into her taste buds.

“My treat. Your coffee machine in the White House is simply amazing!”

Nixon nodded his head. “Yes, yes, indeed. You know what else is amazing?”

“No, what?”

“A major political figure of a highly important, newcomer foreign country agreeing to a treaty using their co-ruler oligarchy title that would effectively set in stone Equestria agreeing with American mandates for a mutual beneficial correlation of states.” Nixon blew on his coffee and gulped some down. “I mean, I’m just saying, that’s pretty amazing.”

Luna set her coffee cup down slowly, eye to eye with the cold gaze of President Nixon. A gaze that was as heartless as it was completely merciless. It was like looking into the eyes of a DMV front desk representative who had been jaded by thirty years of the job, and could only go to sleep at night with a cup full of vodka, a hand full of valium, and a heart filled with bitterness against all of humanity.

“I don’t believe that would be the wisest decision for me to make for the rest of Equestria…”

“Listen, it’s easy,” Nixon assured her, rapping his knuckles on the table. "It must not appear that you're trying to directly control the foreign policy of Equestria to be more American friendly. That's what you must do, but you must not appear to be doing that. That would be stupid."

“Because my sister already denied your request?” Luna asked, her coffee turning lukewarm but already forgotten.

“Listen, I’m not going to be the first American President to fail a treaty with a nation of colorful, talking midget-horses.” Nixon clapped his hands together and shrugged. “So, what do you want? I’m the most powerful man on Earth, so almost anything is possible for me.”

Luna shook her head. “Sorry, Mr. President, but I just can’t agree to a treaty that could potentially harm my nation, especially with… well, not to be rude, but especially with someone of your insidious nature.”

“Oh, I’m insidious now, am I?” Nixon rested his hands on his knees and shook his head slowly. “This is one of your only opportunities to negotiate with me. I want you to know—just think how much you're going to be losing—you won't have Nixon to kick around anymore, because, your majesty, this will be my last presidential term.”

Luna balked. “Wait, so that means you won’t be in charge any longer? How… how does that even work?”

“Democracy,” Nixon answered. “America has a republic where we vote for our leaders.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense!”

“Exactly!” Nixon said. “Politics never make sense. Voters quickly forget what a man says. The people are swayed by fear and what threatens their comfortable lives. I kiss babies to get votes, for Christ’s sake.”

“Then why do you need my help?”

“I need to divert attention from some rather… unsavory rumors held over my head. A treaty ratified with Equestria is just what I need.” Nixon spread his hands out as he got more comfortable in his seat. “And whatever you could want to assure that treaty, I can provide.”

Luna scowled, positively glowering at Nixon. “I don’t believe you have anything I would want, Mr. President.”

Nixon grinned, like he was watching a puppy being kicked or a hippie being hit in the face by a cop’s nightstick, or better yet, a cop hitting a hippie while kicking a puppy. “I thought you’d say that.” Nixon withdrew a map and opened it up on the table, revealing a large area of the Pacific Ocean. “Instead of being co-ruler of Equestria, I can assure you of being an actual true leader of a country. You can have the American territory of American Samoa.”

“You’re actually bribing me with territory?”

Nixon held up a finger. “Wait, you didn’t let me finish. If you allow the United States to set up discrete missile bases in Equestria, I’ll throw in the Philippines for free.”

Luna bit her lip, her pupils widening as she stared at the large area of territory Nixon was offering her. So much potential…

“But… doesn’t America not own the Philippines anymore?”

“Define ‘own.’”

Luna scowled.

Nixon shrugged. “Hey, that’s a simple enough problem to fix. Just throw up some incriminating evidence that the Philippines are working with the Ruskies, perhaps an edited missile base photo or two back from the Cuban Crisis, and we’re good.”

Luna tapped her chin. “But isn’t that illegal?”

“When the President does it, that means it's not illegal.” Nixon pointed to her. “That’s in the Constitution.”

Luna shook her head and rose from her seat. “I regret to inform you, Mr. President, but I will not agree with your terms. They’re just so… so insane and extreme, I don’t understand how you could possibly think they’re a good idea.”

“Wait!” Nixon begged, holding up his hand. “I’ll give you California! I don’t want that hippie-infested pigsty anyway!”

Luna began to back away slowly to the door. “Sorry, no deal!”

“Canada! I can get you Canada! Those guys are pussies anyway!”

But it was too late. Luna had exited out the door, leaving Nixon all by his lonesome.

He sighed, slowly beating a fist against his couch cushion. “Goddamnit. Bribery usually always works seventy percent of the time.” Getting up with his hands on his sides, he swaggered over to the rainbow phone once again. “Well, there’s always the third one. And I think I know just the thing for this one.”

Picking up the receiver, Nixon cleared his throat and said, “Why hello there, this is President Nixon speaking. Most powerful man of the free world. Great people person. I was just wondering if you’d be available for tea later today. Say… my place?”

After several seconds of talking on the other line, Nixon nodded, his devious grin growing larger. “Perfect. Finger-sandwiches shall be provided.”