Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom's Adventures in Parenthood
“Why do I have to be partnered with Apple Bloom?!” Diamond Tiara demanded.
“Why do ah have ta be partnered with Diamond Tiara?!” Apple Bloom followed up.
Cheerilee rolled her eyes. ‘Why couldn’t the two of them have been a year apart?’ Smiling widely, the teacher explained, “Because my sister Berry Punch was sent to the hospital last night and so I didn’t have time to arrange the groups. Therefore, I left it to fate.”
“At least you’re not with Snips,” Silver Spoon groaned as she cast a sideways glare to her partner, who just smiled and waved back.
“Now then, class, your assignment for this week is to look after an egg,” Cheerilee explained, holding up one said egg in her hoof for the class to see.
“Miss Cheerilee, I think I broke ours,” Snips said.
“You haven’t been given your eggs yet.”
“Then what’s this?” Snips asked, holding up a shattered eggshell with yolk spilling out.
Cheerilee looked at her desk to find that all but two eggs were still present. There was the egg in her hoof, which meant that one had gone AWOL. “How did you- No, you know what? Forget about it. I’ve got some eggs to spare so you can have another one.”
“Miss Cheerilee, why are we looking after eggs?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Are we going to be farmers?”
“Then ah got this in the bag!” Apple Bloom announced, leaning back and relaxing in her chair.
“No, you’re not being farmers,” Cheerilee said. “This is an exercise in parenthood and responsibility. Each pair will the parents, and the eggs will be your children.”
“Aren’t they a bit small?” Scootaloo asked.
“I’ve already sat for the Cake twins, so does that mean I just pass?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“I hate babies. They’re loud and they drool on everything,” Diamond Tiara pouted.
“How do we change their diapers if they’re eggs?” Dinky asked.
“It’s just an example!” Cheerilee spat, taking a moment to run through her breathing exercises. “… Now, each pair will be charged with looking after their egg until the end of the week. After which you will give an oral presentation on what you’ve learned about the responsibility of looking after others.”
“Miss Cheerilee, I broke our egg again,” Snips said.
“Silver Spoon, don’t let him hold your egg,” Cheerilee told the filly before turning back to the rest of the class. “Now, are there any questions?”
“Why are we learning to be parents when we’re still in school?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“What does ‘oral’ mean?”
“Does this mean we have to get jobs?”
“I don’t think my mum would approve of me getting married without telling her.”
Diamond Tiara scoffed at that last comment. “At least you get to be married to somepony who owns a sweet shop,” she said to the colt behind her, before casting a glance at Twist and then turning back to Apple Bloom. “I’m married to a farmer!”
“No. You’re not,” Apple Bloom said flatly. “It’s just pretend.”
“Now then, I’ll hand out your eggs one-by-one. Snips is not allowed to hold one.” Cheerilee travelled around the classroom, handing out one egg to each group. Apple Bloom tried to pick hers up with her mouth before hearing a disgusted groan from Diamond Tiara.
“Ewwww! At least wash it first! I can’t believe I’m married to such an uncouth filly.”
“You’re not,” Apple Bloom repeated. “An’ ah’m jus’ tryin’ not ta break it. I’m real clumsy with mah hooves!”
“That’s why you should use your brains for once.” Diamond Tiara leaned over Apple Bloom’s table and lowered her head, scooping the egg up with her tiara and allowing it to nestle into her mane. “There. Problem solved.”
“… But now ya gotta wash yer mane,” Apple Bloom said with a grin.
Diamond Tiara narrowed her eyes. “… You hold it,” she said, lowering her head. “Just scoop it up with your bow or something.”
“What? No! Ah’ll drop it fer sure!”
“Well, I’m not letting it sit in my mane any longer until it’s washed!”
“Well you’ll just have ta because ah’m not gonna fail this assignment jus’ ‘cause ye’re afraid of a few germs!”
“UGH! I never should have married you!”
“YOU DIDN’T!”
“Okay class!” Cheerilee shouted after she handed out the final egg. “Now that all eggs have been handed out, let’s begin with today’s lessons!”
The entire class groaned, which was music to the teacher’s ears.
“Alright, so here’s the plan,” Apple Bloom said as she very carefully set the egg down on the ground. “Ah’ll give this a quick wash, you take it home, and then ya leave it in a safe place for the whole week.”
“What about the presentation?” Diamond Tiara asked as she attached a hosepipe to a nearby tap.
“We’ll jus’ ask Twilight for one of hers. She must’ve done every kinda presentation in school!”
“Sounds good to me.” Diamond Tiara gave the hosepipe to Apple Bloom, who pointed it at the egg. “Ready?”
“Eeyup.”
Diamond Tiara twisted the tap’s nozzle and water shot forth from the hosepipe, blasting the egg to smithereens. “… Apple Bloom…”
“I-It’s okay! We can fix this!” Apple Bloom threw the hosepipe aside as closed her eyes as she thought. “Oh! I got it! We’ll jus’ buy a new one! Ah mean, it’s not like Miss Cheerilee’ll be able ta tell the difference!”
“I don’t know. She could tell when Silver Spoon wrote my essay last week.”
“That’s because ye’re the only pony in class who uses bit signs instead of ‘S’s.”
Diamond Tiara grumbled. “Alright, so where do we get new eggs from?”
“What d’ya mean where? The grocery store of course!”
“… I don’t know what that is.”
“It’s, uh… Y’ave never gone shoppin’ with yer dad?”
“Of course I have, but they don’t sell eggs at jewellery or dress stores. Maybe at auction houses but I think Miss Cheerilee would notice a golden egg covered in rubies.”
“Whatever, jus’ follow me. Ah know where ta go.”
“And that’s how we normal ponies buy our food,” Apple Bloom finished as she walked out of the store with Diamond Tiara beside her.
“Ugh. I don’t like it in there. It smells and it’s too cramped. No wonder Daddy pays our butler so much.”
“Now, let’s make sure these eggs are good.” Apple Bloom opened up the packet of eggs to find eleven white eggs and one brown one. “Huh. Well, we can’t use this one then.”
“… Wow,” Diamond Tiara said. “Just… wow.”
Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow before gasping and shaking her head quickly. “T-That’s not what ah meant! I mean we can’t use an egg that’s a different colour from what we got!”
“Riiiight. I’ll thank you not to teach our children unpleasant behaviour.”
Apple Bloom scoffed. “Comin’ from you?!”
“Anyway, we got eleven eggs we can use. Let’s just get them back to my manor and then-”
“WATCH OUT! COMIN’ THROUGH!”
Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara were knocked aside as a rainbow blur zoomed past them, launching the packet of eggs into the air. Apple Bloom managed to grab it, although two eggs fell out in the process. “… Nine eggs, then. We still got nine eggs, so we’re good.”
Apple Bloom turned around to move, but tripped over a stone and dropped the packet. Three more eggs flew out and shattered on the ground. “Careful!” Diamond Tiara scolded, picking up the packet with six eggs remaining inside of it. “Oh, this one’s dirty,” she said, licking her hoof and polishing the egg with some dirt on it, crushing the shell in the process. “Ah!”
“Ooh, we having a screaming contest?!” Pinkie Pie asked after coming out of nowhere. “‘Cause I’m a champ! Watch: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
Pinkie Pie’s high-pitched scream shattered two of the five remaining eggs, many windows around her, and deafened anypony unfortunate enough to have been passing by.
“Gimme that!” Apple Bloom shouted. “Okay, we got three eggs left! Now let’s just-” Suddenly, the remaining eggs shattered. Apple Bloom frowned. “Seriously?”
“I’m not paying for another batch!” Diamond Tiara said.
“You wanna get an F an’ not get any allowance for the next month?” Apple Bloom asked.
Diamond Tiara thought it over and ground. “Ugh, fine. But this better not happen again.”
Two batches later, the fillies finally made it to the Diamond Tiara’s house with exactly one egg intact. “We… made it…” Apple bloom said between pants. “Open the door. I’ll guard Eggy.”
Diamond Tiara pushed the gate open and scowled around the entire garden. “Okay, it’s clear!”
Apple Bloom rushed inside, following Diamond Tiara into the mansion and closing the door behind them. “… We made it!”
“Thank Celestia!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “Ugh, I’m so sweaty! I have to go shower!”
“What about Eggy?”
“Just go put him in the kitchen. He- It will be safe there for the week.”
“Ah see absolutely nothin’ that could go wrong with this plan.”
*Two hours later*
Diamond Tiara almost passed out as she wandered into her kitchen and caught her father eating an omelette for his dinner. “… Daddy, thank you for not breaking me as a baby.”
“… Huh?”
“And so in conclusion, we’ve decided that caring for a child is simply too much work, is too stressful, and way too expensive,” Diamond Tiara concluded as she pointed at various pie charts on the board at the front of the classroom.
“Plus ah don’t wanna be responsible for the deaths of any of mah children,” Apple Bloom added.
“That’s why the two of us decided that we simply won’t ever become parents.”
“Ah’m still considerin’ adoptin’ a child that’s old enough ta look after themselves, though,” Apple Bloom added.
Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom gave a bow as all of their classmates clapped. Cheerilee didn’t seem as impressed. “In addition, last night an idea hit me: to make sure I never have to worry about being a parent, I will personally buyout and shutdown The Foal Factory!”
“‘The Foal Factory?” Apple Bloom laughed. “Oh, ya gotta be kiddin’ me. That’s not where babies come from! If y’all wanna not have kids, ya gotta shutdown the cabbage patches around Ponyville!”
“That’s just stupid,” Diamond said with a roll of her eyes.
“Is not. Applejack said that’s where babies come from so it must be true!”
“Maybe she just doesn’t know.”
“Mah sister’s the smartest pony in Ponyville!”
“Is not.”
“Is too!”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“Girls, girls!” Cheerilee shouted, putting an end to the squabble in front of the classroom. With a sigh, she said, “I was going to save this for next week, but perhaps I should give you all this lecture now.”
“Lecture?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Yes. A lecture on where foals come from, and how they are made.”
*One twenty-minutes long lecture later*
“And that’s where foals come from.”
The class remained silent for some time before Apple Bloom finally spoke up. “Oooooh. So ta keep our eggs safe, we shoulda stuck them up our-”
“Apple Bloom, I will give both you and Diamond Tiara gold stars for this assignment if you don’t finish that train of thought.”
“Deal!” And with that, Apple Bloom shook her teacher’s hoof, Diamond Tiara collected her well-planned presentation, and both fillies retired to their seats, each one gold star richer.
The end.
Author's Note
I write the strangest things when I'm ill. Also, I never did that whole 'caring for an egg' thing in school. I don't that's even a thing over here. Does it actually work as an exercise or is it just a colossal waste of time? :S
