The Adventures of Spectrum Slash

by CCC

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Original Character
Length: 10056

Rainbow Dash tries to write a story. Discord decides to lend a helpful paw...

Rainbow Dash tries to write a story. Twilight tries to read it.

Then Discord decides to be helpful...

Published 2014-11-01 23:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-05 07:30:30 UTC

Prologue: Spectrum Slash

The Adventures of Spectrum Slash

by

Rainbow Dash

Spectrum Slash was the most awesome pegasus ever. Her mane and coat were every colour of the rainbow, and every time she flew anywhere, she left a rainbow trail in the air, even if she wasn't going all that fast, because she was just that awesome. She was faster, and stronger, than any other pegasus ever, and she never ever crashed and always flew exactly how she wanted to. And if some stupid pegasus were to consider bullying her, Spectrum would just look at the bully, and let her inner awesomeness shine through, and the bully would fall quivering to the ground in terror. But Spectrum Slash was not one to hold grudges, and so she wouldn't do anything nasty to anypony ever; she would just stroll away, leaving the bully with the sheer and certain knowledge of their complete lameness.

~~~~~

Twilight lowered the thick manuscript and glared at Rainbow Dash over the top of it. "Are you serious?" she asked.

"Is there something wrong with it?" asked Rainbow, nervously.

"This 'Spectrum Slash' is shaping up to be a real Mare-Sue character." said Twilight. "Multicoloured rainbow mane, yes, but multicoloured rainbow coat?"

"Rainbows are awesome." said Rainbow Dash, flatly.

"And that's precisely the problem." replied Twilight. "Your character is everything that you consider 'awesome' and nothing that you don't. Let me see if I can guess how this goes; Spectrum never runs into any sort of danger that is the slightest threat to her, right?"

"Of course there's lots of threats to her!" insisted Rainbow.

"Really?" asked Twilight, handing the manuscript back. "Then can you show me one?"

"Sure!" Rainbow took the pages in her wings, and flipped through them to a certain passage. "Here."

"Let me see..."

~~~~~

Spectrum Slash flew through the forest, looking up at the clouds and birds.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" cried a voice. It was Daring Do! Spectrum had almost run right in to her!

"Oh, hello, Daring Do." said Spectrum Slash. "I am sorry, I almost did not see you there. It is a good thing that you called out, or else I might have hurt you by accident."

Daring Do looked at Spectrum Slash, and even though she wasn't normally attracted to mares, she felt a strong attraction to this rainbow pegasus.

"I think I am in love with you." cried Daring Do.

"Well, I am awesome." said Spectrum Slash, modestly. She was used to hearing this from other ponies. "But I'm really not interested in mares in that way."

"Oh, I see." said Daring Do. "I will of course respect your choice completely. But now you must be quiet. I am sneaking up on Ahuizotl and he must not know that I am here."

"Then you probably shouldn't have cried out that you were in love with Spectrum Slash so loudly!" said Ahuizotl, jumping out of the trees.

"Aaaah!" cried Daring Do, frightened. "It is Ahuizotl!"

Daring was so scared that her wings slammed shut and she fell over onto her back. "I am scared!" she cried out.

"Ah, at last, my revenge is at hand!" cried out Ahuizotl, moving threateningly towards Daring. But Ahuizotl had forgotten about Spectrum Slash!

Spectrum Slash stepped forward, and stamped her hoof so fast that is made a sonic rainboom with just one hoof. "Ahuizotl!" she said. "Listen to me!"

Ahuizotl jumped at the sound of the rainboom. "What is it?" he asked.

"Why do you have to be so mean?" asked Spectrum Slash. "Wouldn't it be better if you were good, then you could work with Daring instead of fighting against her all the time?"

Ahuizotl thought about that for a bit. "I see." he said. "You are right. That would be better. Then I would have a friend. Then I will be good from now on."

"That is good." said Spectrum Slash, with a nod.

~~~~~

Twilight raised both hooves to her forehead and groaned. "It's even worse than I thought." she said.

"What's worse than you thought?" asked Rainbow.

"Both Daring Do - who, I'd like to remind you, is a real pony that you have personally met - and Ahuizotl, who you have also met, are severely out of character in this scene. I mean, love at first sight? Can you get any more cliche than that?"

"But it wasn't love at first sight." pointed out Rainbow. "Spectrum didn't fall in love with Daring."

"Well, thank goodness for that." said Twilight. "But even one-way; I mean, can you imagine A.K. Yearling falling that hard that fast for some mare she'd never seen before?"

Rainbow Dash looked up at the ceiling for a long moment, dutifully imagining it. "Yes." she replied, after a moment.

Twilight groaned. "Do you think that there's any chance that something like that might ever happen?" she asked.

"Well, no." admitted Rainbow Dash.

Twilight smiled slightly.

"But that's only because there isn't a mare quite as awesome as Spectrum Slash." pointed out Rainbow. "If there was, half the ponies ever would be falling in love with her all the time. Oh, and all the stallions. So I have to reflect that in my story."

Twilight's smile vanished. "Look, Rainbow - Spectrum is just too unbelievable. There's no way that somepony like that could exist."

"Well, yeah." said Rainbow. "The sheer awesome would be a danger to the silk of space-time. That's why, at the end, she has to leave the universe and all her friends to keep them safe."

"The... silk of space-time?" asked Twilight.

"Is that wrong?" asked Rainbow. "I know I've heard you talking about the fabric of space-time, so I went and asked Rarity about types of fabric, 'cos she knows about that sort of stuff, and -"

Twilight sighed. "All right, all right, I get the picture." she said. "For future reference, the fabric of space-time isn't a specific type of fabric, it's just... fabric. Stuff. But that's unimportant at the moment. Just look at what you've done to Ahuizotl."

"What's wrong with Ahuizotl?" asked Rainbow Dash, defensively. "I made sure to make him totally scary!"

"You made Daring Do, who's fought Ahuizotl countless times before, keel over in fear at his mere appearance."

"Well, yeah, somepony's got to keel over in fear, so that the reader can see just how scary Ahuizotl is, right? And it couldn't be Spectrum Slash, 'cos she's too awesome to be scared, so it had to be Daring Do."

Twilight groaned. "Rainbow," she said, "you've seen Ahuizotl and Daring fight. Ahuizotl is not going to make Daring keel over in fear like that. And then you made him decide to be a good guy after, what, one sentence of persuasion?"

"Well... yeah." said Rainbow. "'Cos friendship is magic, right? I mean, if it worked on Discord, then of course it'd work on some two-bit villain like Ahuizotl."

"Rainbow... there is so much wrong with that sentence that I don't even know where to start." said Twilight. "And your dialogue! Your dialogue is terrible!"

"There's nothing wrong with my dialogue!" insisted Rainbow.

"People don't talk like that!" insisted Twilight. "I mean, look at this bit..."

~~~~~

"Oh, I see." said Daring Do. "I will of course respect your choice completely."

~~~~~

"People should talk like that." said Rainbow, folding her forelegs.

"...you have a point." admitted Twilight. "A small point. In that the sentiment expressed is noble. But the phrasing is clunky and unrealistic. And Spectrum was never threatened in that entire scene!"

"Of course she was." replied Rainbow. "Ahuizotl was threatening her."

"Ahuizotl wasn't a credible threat!" snapped Twilight. "It's like trying to say that a, a mouse was threatening a pegasus. It's just not realistic!"

"Some of Fluttershy's mice are mean." said Rainbow, quietly.

"Is there anywhere in this story where Spectrum actually runs into a villain who's powerful enough to be a credible threat?" asked Twilight.

"Um...." Rainbow considered the question. "There's Nightmare Moon... no, too easy, just punched the Nightmare out of her... she wasn't stopped by the zillion changelings... punched Sombra out of the Crystal Empire... kicked Tirek so hard all his magic went back to where he'd taken it from... ah! She runs into Discord near the end. He's powerful enough to be a 'credible' threat, right?"

Twilight glared at Rainbow. "We shall see." she said.

~~~~~

"Stop being evil right now, Discord!" said Spectrum Slash, firmly.

"Oh, dear me." said Discord, raising an eagle claw to his head in mock distress. "What a terribly persuasive argument! What ever shall I do?"

"You can stop being evil!" said Spectrum Slash.

"Hmmm." said Discord. "Nah."

~~~~~

"Well, that's a slight improvement, at least." said Twilight. "Discord's not being persuaded by the first sentence out of Spectrum's mouth, and you seem to be doing a better job with the dialogue."

"What?" asked Rainbow Dash. She peered over Twilight's shoulder.

~~~~~

Spectrum stared at Discord in disbelief. "But... but you have to stop being evil!" Spectrum said. "I asked you to!"

"And I said 'no'." said Discord, firmly.

"But... but you can't do that! That's not how things work!"

"Yes," said Discord, "I've noticed. This really is a fascinating universe, isn't it?"

~~~~~

"That's not what I wrote." said Dash.

~~~~~

"Of course not." said Discord. "But I heard you needed some help getting the characters quite right, and so I thought I'd make sure that my delightful self, at least, was properly represented. You don't mind, do you?"

"Who are you talking to?" asked Spectrum Slash.

"Be quiet." said Discord. "Not you."

~~~~~

"This is ridiculous." said Twilight. "There can't be a universe inside a book."

The page in front of Twilight rippled slightly, and a dragonequus' head poked out of it. "Are you sure of that?" asked Discord.

"Of course I am!" said Twilight. "Writing words on a page does not create a universe, and can not create a universe!"

"And could this universe not have already existed beforehand?" asked Discord, smiling.

"No!" said Twilight. "I refuse to believe that such a ridiculous universe could ever possibly exist!

"Get out of my story, Discord!" insisted Rainbow.

"Oh, but you heard your friend here." said Discord, with a grin. "I can't be in it, because the inside of it doesn't exist. Besides, I'm just trying to be helpful."

"You're ruining my story!" insisted Rainbow.

"No," said Twilight, "trust me on this, he's not ruining it. In fact, he's improving it, a lot. At least now you've got one character in character."

"There, you see?" said Discord. "Besides, this world is kind of fun; nopony ever says no to any attempt at persuasion. I'd love to see what happens if I go and explain the benefits of chocolate rain to this version of Celestia."

"Discord," said Rainbow Dash, "if you mess up my sto-"

"Oh, how could I have forgotten?" continued Discord. "This is for you." He reached out of the page with his lion paw, holding a pegasus by the scruff of the neck. The pegasus had a rainbow-striped mane, and a rainbow-striped coat, and no visible cutie mark. Discord dropped the pegasus on the floor, and with a final cry of "Toodles!" he vanished back into the page.

Spectrum Slash looked around the room. "What bizarre world has Discord brought me to?" she asked.

Twilight/Chocolate

Twilight was the first to speak.

"This is not scientifically possible!" she insisted. "You are not scientifically possible!"

"What?" asked Spectrum Slash.

"You can't create an entire physical universe just by thinking about it!" insisted Twilight. "Physical universes are complicated things! And there's no way that mere ink on paper is enough to create a new universe! It's just not scientifically possible!"

Spectrum Slash sniffed. "Maybe this world doesn't exist," she said, "but my world's been around for centuries."

"And the odds against Rainbow Dash just coincidentally tapping into a pre-existing universe are astronomical!" continued Twilight. "I mean, this story is - is thousands of pages. That's a pretty vast amount of information, and the odds of a randomly selected universe meeting all those constraints are - you can't just create a universe when you write a story!" She spun around and pointeda hoof at Spectrum Slash. "You can't possibly exist! Protagonists from fictional stories don't exist!"

"Really?" asked Discord's voice from atop one of the library bookshelves. He was fanning himself with something that, at first glance, appeared to be about the size and shape of a small book; though it was a solid object, with no sign of pages. Perhaps some kind of casing, in which a very small book could potentially fit. Twilight caught a glimpse of the front cover; apparently it was called "Rainbow Rocks".

"And you!" snapped Twilight. "Weren't you going to talk to Celestia or something?"

"Oh, don't mind me." said Discord. He vanished his book-thing and conjured a lampshade out of nowhere. "I'm just here to hang this somewhere." He placed the lampshade jauntily on the edge of the bookcase, and vanished again.

"Are you evil?" asked Spectrum Slash. "Because if you're evil and you don't turn good then I'm going to have to hit you."

"What? No! I'm not evil! Why would you think I'm evil?"

"You look like you're working with Discord." said Spectrum, stepping forward and eyeing Twilight.

"He's reformed." snapped Twilight.

"Re-what?" asked Spectrum.

"Trying to be good." supplied Rainbow Dash.

"Not always successfully." added Twilight.

"Oh." said Spectrum Slash. "Are you sure you're good?"

"Yes, I'm sure!" snapped Twilight.

"Oh, good. Because I thought that maybe you were an evil twin of Princess Purple."

Twilight glared at Spectrum Slash for a moment and then turned to look at Rainbow Dash. "Princess Purple?" she asked.

Rainbow shrugged. "Hey, so I'm bad with names." she said.

"You know Princess Purple?" asked Spectrum Slash. "Great, can you send her a message? She's awesomly smart, she'll figure out how to get me home in ten seconds flat!"

"Um, I'm not sure that's actually possible..." began Rainbow Dash.

"Oh, okay, I'm sure she'll notice I'm missing within a year or two." said Spectrum, brightly. "So, what's the deal with this place, anyway? Is this some sort of bizarre alternate universe filled with bizarre reflections of my friends or something?"

"Um... it's clearly something..." said Rainbow, nervously.

"Right, 'cos she's clearly the alternate version of Princess Purple, only not as smart, but I can't work out who you're supposed to be."

"NOT AS SMART!?!" screeched Twilight.

"Nopony's as smart as Princess Purple." insists Spectrum Slash. "Also, she never loses her temper."

"Maaaaaaaaybe we oughta just step outside for a few minutes." suggested Rainbow. "Just until she's calmed down a touch, okay?"

"Does your world have poisonous air?" asked Spectrum Slash. "I'm awesome enough to survive it, of course, but I do like to be prepared."

"No, no, no poisonous air." reassured Rainbow Dash. "Tell you what, I'll introduce you to the rest of my friends, okay?"

"Hmph. If I'm going to be stuck here, I guess it's as good a way as any to pass the time." said Spectrum Slash.

~~~~~

"Discord!" cried Celestia. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I just thought we could spend a few minutes talking about the benefits of chocolate rain." said Discord.

"But chocolate rain has no benefits!" objected Celestia. She was so scared that her wings froze to her sides, and she fell over! "I am scared!" said Celestia. "Also, you are evil, and so I will not listen to you!"

Discord sighed. "Fine." he said. "I'll stop being evil and be good, okay?"

"Oh, yay!" said Celestia, bounding to her hooves. "Now I am not scared of you anymore!"

"Wonderful." said Discord, rolling his eyes. "Now, let's talk about the benefits of chocolate rain, shall we?"

"But chocolate rain has no benefits!" objected Celestia.

"It tastes better than ordinary rain." replied Discord.

Celestia gasped. "You are right, Good Discord!" she said. "I had never thought of that before. We should have chocolate rain in the future!"

"Well," said Discord, raising his eagle talon to snap, "if you insis-"

"I shall instruct the pegasus weather teams to replace all their water with chocolate as once!" said Celestia. "And we shall have to heat it up until it is all melted, of course. But it will all be worth it, because it will taste better than ordinary rain!"

Discord stared, wide-eyed, at Celestia.

Fluttershy/Rain

"This place looks a lot like Awesomeville." said Spectrum Slash, as Rainbow led her through the streets of Ponyville. "Except more crowded and less awesome."

"Yeah, well, this is Ponyville." said Rainbow Dash. "A lot of the stuff in Awesomeville was kinda based on it."

"That is not right." said Spectrum Slash. "Almost all of the stuff in Awesomeville was designed by me, because I am just that awesome. And the rest was inspired by me. No-one in Awesomeville has ever heard of Ponyville, so it can't be based on Ponyville."

"Uh... right." said Dash, nervously.

"That means that you just told me a lie." continued Spectrum Slash. "Only evil people tell lies. Are you evil?"

"No!"

Spectrum frowned. "That doesn't make any sen-"

"Fluttershy!" said Rainbow Dash, quickly. "Let's go visit Fluttershy!"

"Is Fluttershy your universe's version of Yellowshy?" asked Spectrum Slash, as Rainbow Dash pushed her along.

~~~~~

Rainbow knocked on Fluttershy's door. "Flutters?" she called out.

There was a long moment of silence, then Fluttershy opened the door a crack. "Oh, hi, Rainbow." She opened the door a little further, revealing a rainbow-maned rainbow-coated pony standing at one end of a rainbow that extended all the way back to Twilight's tree/castle/library. "Eeeep!"

"Ah!" said the stranger. "It is as I thought. You are this universe's version of Yellowshy!"

"Um?" asked Fluttershy, nervously.

"Fluttershy," said Rainbow Dash, "meet Spectrum Slash. Yes, that Spectrum Slash, Discord was involved. Spectrum Slash, meet my friend Fluttershy."

"Hello, Fluttershy." said Spectrum Slash, raising one hoof politely.

"H-hello?" said Fluttershy, hesitantly.

"You have no reason to be afraid of me, unless you are evil." said Spectrum Slash. "I only hurt things that are evil, and even then only if they really really deserve it, or if they hurt my friends. So you can stop being scared, unless you are evil."

"Um... thank you?"

"Are you still scared?" asked Spectrum Slash.

"Um, a little..."

"Does that mean that you are evil?" asked Spectrum Slash. "I just told you that there was no reason to be afraid unless you were evil. If you are still afraid, then you must be evil!"

"She's not evil!" cried Rainbow Dash.

"Hmmm. It will be easy to make sure." Spectrum Slash glared at Fluttershy. "Are you evil?"

"No?"

"Oh, that is alright then." said Spectrum Slash. "No villain can ever even possibly lie about being evil."

"Um... would you like some tea?" asked Fluttershy.

~~~~~

"We have changed all the water for chocolate in time!" cheered Celestia.

"In time?" asked Discord. "In time for what?"

"It is all ready before Spectrum Slash comes to make the rainclouds, Good Discord!" replied Celestia.

"...wait, all of them?" asked Discord.

"Oh, yes." said Celestia. "Spectrum Slash always arrives at the very last minute and makes every cloud that all of Equestria needs for all the rain! She's never been even a millisecond late, even if she naps and oversleeps, because she's just that awesome!"

There was a long silence.

"Are you telling me," said Discord eventually, "that there's not another single pegasus in all of Equestria that can handle the weather?"

"The rest of the pegasuses all forgot." said Celestia. "They didn't need to know, anyway, because Spectrum Slash does all the weather all over Equestria!"

There was another long silence.

"Hasn't it been rather dry lately?" asked Discord, eventually.

"Yes, it has, a little." agreed Celestia. "But Spectrum Slash also makes all the weather schedules, so I'm sure she has good reason for a bit of a dry spot."

"Have you looked at the weather schedules lately?" asked Discord.

"No." said Celestia, cheerfully. "Spectrum Slash is the only one who needs to know that sort of thing."

~~~~~

"...and then I hit him so hard," said Spectrum Slash, "that all the magic that he'd stolen was knocked right out of him, and went back into all the ponies he'd stolen it from."

"Oh, my." said Fluttershy. "That sounds scary."

"My magic's too awesome to be stolen, anyway." said Spectrum. "I was never in any danger."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah." she said.

Fluttershy lifted her teacup and took a sip of tea.

"What did you just do?" asked Spectrum Slash.

"I... had some tea?"

"Oh, is that the stuff you put in these little cups?" asked Spectrum Slash. "I was wondering. In my world, when we have 'tea', we just sit around a table and talk about how awesome I am."

"Um, well, we actually have... tea." said Fluttershy, nervously.

"Are you telling me," asked Rainbow Dash, "that in all the hundreds to tea parties you've had with Yellowshy, you've never once tried tea?"

"I've never even seen this tea." said Spectrum Slash, peering into her cup. "We sometimes put the cups out, so that they can be knocked to the floor when the villain arrives, but sometimes we don't even bother."

"Villain?" squeaked Fluttershy.

"Oh, yes." said Spectrum Slash. "Every time we have a tea party in Awesomeville, a villain arrives and threatens all of Equestria. That's how we know when the tea party is over!"

Fluttershy squeaked.

"There was one time," continued Spectrum Slash cheerfully, "when we had a tea party that lasted a whole four days, because there weren't any villain attacks! And of course, we couldn't leave the table before it was over, because that would be impolite. Fortunately, there was a plate of biscuits on the table, so Yellowshy could eat them while we talked about how awesome I am."

Fluttershy squeaked again. "What - what did you eat?" she asked.

"Oh, I didn't have to eat anything." said Spectrum Slash. "I am just that awesome. Of course, I had to have a big meal after I defeated the manticore army, because proper nutrition is important."

"Manticore army?" squeaked Fluttershy.

"Oh, yes. They were being possessed by King Sombra. I had to punch little bits of him out of all the manticores, and then I had to punch him."

"Well, tea parties here end when we decide they end." said Rainbow Dash. "We don't need to wait for a villain attack."

"And you still haven't tasted your tea." added Fluttershy.

"That seems like a very unreliable way to end a tea party." said Spectrum Slash. "What if you spend so much time talking about how awesome I am that you never stop? You could die of starving." She raised her teacup and took a sip. "This tea is amazing!"

"Why, thank you -"

"It is like water, but it has flavour!" said Spectrum Slash. "Are you trying to poison me?"

"...what?" asked Fluttershy.

"I said, are you trying to poison me?"

"Um, no?"

"Oh, good. Then please be careful, somepony has poisoned this tea. I'll survive, because I'm just that awesome, but you might not. So don't drink the tea."

"How do you know it's been poisoned?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Because the only things that have any taste at all are poisons." said Spectrum Slash, rolling her eyes. "Everything that's not poisonous is flavourless. Everypony knows that."

Pinkie/Keeps

"I don't believe it." said Rainbow Dash, as she strolled through Ponyville accompanied by what appeared to be an ambulatory rainbow.

"What don't you believe?" asked Spectrum Slash.

"You accused Fluttershy of poisoning you." said Rainbow Dash. "Fluttershy! There's not a kinder, more inoffensive, less threatening pony in all of Equestria, and you, you..."

"Wait, Equestria?" asked Spectrum Slash. "I thought you said this place was called Ponyville?"

"Yeah, Ponyville is the town. Equestria is like the whole country."

"What is a country?"

Rainbow's forehoof met her face. "GAH!"

"A country is a 'GAH'?" asked Spectrum Slash, making sure to copy the facehoof along with the word. "What is a 'GAH'?"

"A country is not a 'gah'." replied Rainbow. "A country is a very large space, which includes towns and... and forests and rivers and basically everything in an area." Rainbow paused to consider this for a moment, and then added "A very large area."

"I see." said Spectrum. "So it's kindof like the whole world?"

"Not quite that large."

"Hiiiii-iiiiiiiii!" cried a pink party pony, suddenly jumping up in front of Spectrum Slash. "Hi, are you new? You look new. What's your name? My name's Pinkie Pie! I've never seen you before, and I'm sure I would have remembered, because you're all bright and colourful and stuff, and you're leaving this rainbow trail all over everywhere so it's really easy to follow you, only I went the wrong way along it at first and I got the the library and Twilight was doing some research and you know how she gets when she does some research, well maybe you don't, because you're new, but there were books everywhere especially in the air, and that means it's probably not a good idea to interrupt Twilight, but I saw the rainbow stopped at this pile of papers, so I went the other way, and Fluttershy said I just missed you so I came and caught up, and what's your name?"

"You're... Pink." said Spectum Slash.

"Yepperoooni! From the tip of my snout to the end of my tail, pink, pink, pink!" said Pinkie, giving herself a little wriggle at her sheer pinkness.

"You're this universe's version of Pink. Only you talk more." said Spectrum Slash.

"Wait, do you mean... you know somepony who's actually named Pink?" asked Pinkie. She gasped. "Best... name... EVER!" She hopped a little to the side. "Hey, Dashie, do you think I should legally change my name to Pink? Then everypony would know who I am! They would look at me and say 'She's pink' and I'd be all 'That's right, that's my name!' or people would ask me to inroduce myself and I'd say 'I'm Pink' and they'd be like 'I can see that, but what's your name?' and then I'd say 'My name's Pink' and they'd ask 'How can a name have a colour?' and it would be the best prank EVER!"

"A-heh-heh." said Rainbow Dash, nervously. "I... don't think it'll work out all that well, Pinkie. I mean, what would all your friends call you?"

"Oh, people could still call me Pinkie." said Pinkie Pie. "That makes it even better! People wouldn't have to call me anything at all different!"

Rainbow sighed. "Pinkie, meet Spectrum Slash. Spectrum Slash, meet Pinkie."

"Does she ever stop talking?" asked Spectrum, poking Pinkie's snout with a hoof.

"Beep!" said Pinkie, and giggled. "Of course I stop talking sometimes, silly! I don't talk if I'm asleep, or if I'm listening to a story, or if I'm testing the school bell, or if I'm watching a play - well, not much, at least - or if I'm -"

Rainbow stretched out one forelimb and put a hoof over Pinkie's mouth.

"Or if she's got a hoof over her mouth." said Rainbow.

"Really?" asked Spectrum Slash. "Can I try?"

"Um... sure, I guess..." Rainbow removed her hoof from Pinkie's mouth.

Pinkie took a deeeeeep breath. "Do you -"

Spectrum put her hoof over Pinkie's mouth. After a moment, she removed it.

"That wasn't -"

Once again. Spectrum interrupted Pinkie with a hoof placed over her mouth.

"Would you -"

A third time, Spectrum Slash placed her hoof over Pinkie's mouth. Pinkie frowned at the rainbow pony.

"This is surprisingly fun!" said Spectrum Slash. "Does she explode if she can't get the words out?"

"STOP THAT!" yelled Pinkie. the force of the shout pushing Spectrum Slash back a few paces.

~~~~~

"That's your emergency plan for if Spectrum Slash is ever unavailable?" asked Discord, flatly. "Giant sheds with piles of food in them?"

"That's right, Good Discord!" said Celestia, brightly. "We keep spare food in Keeps! It was Spectrum Slash's idea!"

Discord rolled his eyes. He'd been doing that so often lately, he'd added special eye-rolling muscles to his face, allowing him to roll his eyes twice as far and four times as quickly. "Of course it was."

"Of course, we've never needed to use them, because Spectrum Slash is just that awesome!"

"And just how long ago did you build these 'keeps'?" asked Discord.

"About twenty years ago, Good Discord! We started ten minutes after Spectrum Slash was born."

Discord considered this, then said "Didn't you say that it was all Spectrum Slash's idea?"

Celestia nodded. "That's right, Good Discord!"

"Hmph." said Discord. "Precocious foal. And... did you put any kind of preservation spells on these 'keeps'?"

"No!" said Celestia, brightly.

"And... you built them where?"

"Out in the desert, where they'd be out of the way." said Celestia. "That was also Spectrum Slash's idea."

"And... are you doing anything to keep it cold?"

"Not a thing, Good Discord!"

"And... when exactly did you put the food into these 'keeps'?"

"As soon as we built them, of course! Then we shut the doors and left them alone, until such time as we might need them!"

"Did you... lock the doors?"

"Now, why would we do that, Good Discord?"

Rarity/Falling

"Ah, good morning, Rainbow Dash." said Rarity, trotting along.

"Ah-heh. Hi, Rarity. Um, aren't you supposed to be watching your shop or something?" asked Rainbow, nervously.

"Oh, no, it's closed today." said Rarity, waving a hoof. "Today's my spa day, I was just on my way to Fluttershy's cottage. And who is your, um colourful friend?"

"Ah. Rarity, this is Spectrum Slash. Spectrum Slash, this is Rarity. Annnnd now that we're all introduced, the two of us really should be moving on, and -"

"You're White." said Spectrum Slash, bluntly.

"Um... yes?" said Rarity.

"You're this universe's Fashion White." Spectrum Slash stepped rapidly forward, pushing her face into Rarity's. "Are you evil?"

"Me?" asked Rarity, leaning back. "No!"

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm." said Spectum Slash, sceptically. "Have you ever put a lame and frilly dress on somepony from ambush?"

"Back off!" said Rainbow, grabbing Spectrum with one hoof and pulling her back. This left Spectrum's rainbow trail in Rarity's face instead of Spectrum herself, which was only a slight improvement, but it was an improvement nonetheless. "She said she's not evil, right? So she's a good mare. She might look like Fashion White, but she's not the same pony, okay?"

"And, um, just who is this Fashion White, exactly?" asked Rarity, taking another small step back.

"Ah-heh. Now, that's a lon-" began Dash, before Spectrum interrupted her.

"My first, and worst, antagonist." said Spectrum, stalking her way around Rarity like a cat circling prey. "A white unicorn. Like you. With a purple mane. Like you. And an evil, evil, evil mind." Spectrum completed the circle around Rarity, surrounding her with a barrier of rainbow, and continued circling. "She would skulk around Awesomeville. Hiding from the ponies around her. Then jump out at them, using her magic to force them into lame and frilly dresses that reduced their awesomeness by at least twen-"

A sudden burst of rain landed on Spectrum's head, soaking her coat and washing the rainbow out of the air around her. Rarity looked up, and saw Rainbow Dash standing atop a depleted raincloud.

"My goodness," said Rainbow, "you appear to have been rained on! Come on -" Rainbow zipped down below the cloud, and began tugging Spectrum away - "I'm sure we can find a towel for you at Applejack's place, before you catch a cold! Bye, Rarity!"

"I am too awesome to catch colds." objected Spectrum Slash, as Rainbow dragged her away.

Rarity watched them go for a while, then sighed. "I wonder what that was all about." she murmured, before stepping out of the rainbow ring through the gap Dash had left and trotting towards Fluttershy's cottage again.

~~~~~

Clouds, thick, dark, black gathered over the land. A wind blew, a wind that promised rain, and lots of it. It howled through the streets of Awesomeville, where ponies ducked and hid, waiting for Spectrum Slash to arrive and save them.

In the town square, every pegasus gathered together. At a given signal from Yellowshy, they all acted in perfect synchronicity; each pegasus folded their wings tightly to their sides, fell over, and froze up. In chorus, every single pegasus said "I am scared!" at the top of their voice.

And then they waited.

~~~~~

In Canterlot, at the top of the castle's tallest tower, Princess Celestia confronted the cause of the cloudy chaos.

"You shouldn't be doing this, Good Discord." she said. "I know your heart's in the right place, but Spectrum Slash handles the weather."

"It hasn't rained in a month." said Discord, grumpily. "Your rivers are already almost dried out. Surely a little bit of moisture would be good?"

"No!" said Celestia. "Spectrum Slash's weather schedules are hard to understand, but there's a reason for it! Any extra rain now could be disastrous!"

Discord glared at her for a long moment, then twitched a single talon.

"What?" asked Celestia. "What did you do, Good Discord?"

"One drop." said Discord. "In Appaloosa."

"Oh, no!" Princess Celestia ran downstairs. "Quickly, everypony!" she called out into the echoing halls. "Mobilise the guard! Go evacuate Appaloosa!"

"What, you're evacuating over one raindrop?" asked Discord. "In the desert?"

Another thought occurred to him. "And... you're not leaving this to Spectrum Slash?"

"We've got to save ponies while Spectrum deals with the flood!" insisted Celestia.

"...wait, flood?" asked Discord. "I let one drop fall!"

"Go to Appaloosa, then!" yelled Celestia. "See what your 'one drop' of unauthorised rain has done!"

Discord shrugged, and snapped his talon.

~~~~~

By the time Discord arrived in Appaloosa, it was shoulder-deep in water. That is, it was up to Discord's shoulders.

"This is RIDICULOUS!" he yelled. "It was one drop!"

"Glub glub glub glub glub." opined a passing pony, drifting on the current.

Discord sighed, and snapped his talon. The flood shrank down, to a bluish-coloured marble, which he tossed up and down in his eagle claw.

"....one drop." he said, finally.

~~~Interlude: Rarity/Fluttershy~~~

Rarity trotted daintily over a small hill on her way to Fluttershy's cottage.

And stopped, for just a moment.

The rainbow that had run along the road with her all the way - more or less - went on to the meek pegasus' cottage, in the door, and out again.

Rarity considered for a moment how Spectrum Slash had treated her, and what Fluttershy's reaction would have been like if the rainbow pegasus had treated her in anything like a similar way.

She immediately broke into a gallop.

A voice at the back of Rarity's mind pointed out that if Spectrum had been as nasty to Fluttershy, then Rainbow Dash would have done a lot worse than merely raining on her; she took what comfort she could from that, but galloped nonetheless.

"Fluttershy? Fluttershy, dear, are you there?" she cried out, as she approached.

"I'm right here, Rarity!"

Rarity breathed a small sigh of relief.

"I'm just cleaning up some rainbows. The door's not locked, you can come in if you like."

"Spectrum Slash?" asked Rarity, stepping indoors.

"Oh, you met her?" asked Fluttershy. Now that Rarity could see her friend, her concerns were laid at rest; Fluttershy showed no trembling, no tearstains, no sign of distress at all. She had placed her hoof through the strap of a cleaning sponge, and with the help of this, and a bucket of water, she was cleaning the rainbow out of the air in the middle of her living room.

A number of chipmunks, mice, rats, birds, and other small creatures were also holding tiny sponges; they looked up at Rarity for a moment, pausing in their work until Angel Bunny attracted their attention by stomping his foot and frowned at them.

"Yes," said Rarity, carefully dodging the rainbow in the doorway as she stepped in. She wasn't sure if it would stain her coat, but she wasn't prepared to take any chances. "She seems a most uncouth individual, in my opinion. Would you believe, she seemed to suspect me of lurking in the bushes like a cut-rate villain, accosting random ponies and forcing them into, in her words, 'lame dresses'! I mean, really!"

Rarity sat down, and spotted a spare sponge. Lifting it in her magic, she joined in Fluttershy's cleanup operation.

"As if anypony could consider any dress from Carousel Boutique to be lame!" continued Rarity. "Not to mention, the accusation itself is so ridiculous as to be farcical! I mean, hiding in the bushes in a white coat? It certainly wouldn't stay white for long if not properly cared for!"

"Um, okay." said Fluttershy, recognising that Rarity just needed somepony to vent at for a few minutes and probably wouldn't listen to much until she was done in any case.

~~~~~

"...so anyway," said Rarity, once they'd cleaned the rainbows out of most of Fluttershy's living room, "do you have any idea where that uncouth barbarian came from, or why she was being shown around by Rainbow Dash?"

"Oh, yes." said Fluttershy, quietly.

"Really?" said Rarity. "Then do you mind if I ask where she came from?"

"Eep!" squeaked Fluttershy, rather wishing that Rarity hadn't picked just that moment to start listening again. She didn't feel that she could tell Rarity of Dash's ambitions to be an author, or of the "totally awesome!" character that the other pegasus had created. Fluttershy also didn't feel comfortable telling Rarity that Discord had been involved; the dragonequus still wasn't really trusted by some of her friends, and Fluttershy was fairly sure that pointing out Discord's part in this scheme wouldn't help his reputation in the least. Nor did Fluttershy wish to admit that she'd been the one to suggest to Rainbow that she ask Twilight for comment on her story; Fluttershy knew it was cowardly of her, to be so unwilling to tell Rainbow the problems with her story, but she was sure that Twilight would have no trouble doing so in a polite and sensitive manner. On top of that, she also didn't want to tell her friend anything directly untruthful to her old friend Rarity; besides, she had already admitted to knowing of Spectrum Slash's origins.

With all those considerations in mind, it took Fluttershy some time to answer.

"Fluttershy?" asked Rarity, with concern in her voice.

"Oh, um, I mean... Pinkie was here earlier." said Fluttershy, softly, as an answer to her dilemma dawned upon her. "She said the rainbow trail started in Twilight's castle."

"Oh, I see." said Rarity. "No doubt the rainbow, at least, is due to some spell gone wrong. Well, come along then, let's go and talk to Twilight, shall we?"

"Um, do we... have to?" asked Fluttershy, nervously.

"Oh, come now, Fluttershy darling, there's nothing to be afraid of." insisted Rarity. "We're just going to talk to a friend for a bit, to satisfy our curiousity."

"Um... Pinkie did say that Twilight was going on a research binge..." said Fluttershy, nervously.

"No doubt Spectrum's rainbow is due to a misfired spell, then. And if Twilight's already sleep-deprived enough to do that, then she's at the stage where her research needs to be interrupted in any case."

Wielding a floating sponge to take care of any perticularly inconvenient patches of rainbow, Rarity trotted firmly off towards Twilight's castle. "Come along, darling!" she called out as she went.

Fluttershy sighed. "I have a bad feeling about this." she said, quietly, to Angel Bunny before she left.

Angel Bunny gave her a look comprised of a mixture between sympathy and relief that this was one problem he wouldn't have to sort out.

Applejack/On

"You sure you got all you need?" asked Applejack.

"Eeeyup," said Big Mac, firmly.

"Fireproof boots?"

"Eeeyup."

"Lion-tamer's chair?"

"Eeeyup."

"Snake-charmer's flute?"

"Eeeyup," replied Big Mac, sounding a little bored.

"Ricotta cheese?"

"Eeeyup." Big Mac's boredom mixed with a little irritation.

"Pies?"

"Eeeyup."

"Hey, Applejack!" called out Rainbow. "You going someplace?"

"Nah, Big Mac's just got a pie delivery t'do," said Applejack, turning to greether friend. "An' who's this?"

"Applejack, meet Spectrum Slash. Spectrum Slash, meet Applejack. And here's her brother, Big Macintosh."

"Eeeeyup," said Big Macintosh, dreamily. He leaned slightly towards Spectrum Slash with a silly grin on his face, and one could alsmost see little hearts in his eyes.

"You are Apple Horse," said Spectrum Slash, firmly.

Applejack blinked. "No, Ah ain't, Ah'm Applejack," she said, with equal firmness.

"This world's Apple Horse, then," said Spectrum Slash. "Discord brought me to a world surprisingly like my own, but... different."

"Ahhhhh," said Applejack, nodding. Discord was involved. That explained everything.

"What is strange is that I have not yet found the other me," said Spectrum Slash.

Applejack glanced between Spectrum and Rainbow. "Are y'sure o'that, sugarcube?" she asked.

"I have not yet met anypony with sufficient levels of awesome to be considered my counterpart," insisted Spectrum Slash.

"Ah see," said Applejack.

"But perhaps you can help me track her down," continued Spectrum. "Is there a pegasus who regularly harvests all your apples in ten seconds flat because there's too much for just you?"

Applejack shook her head. "Nope," she said. "Me an' mah brother do all the applebucking necessary."

"Maybe there isn't a Spectrum Slash in this world, then," Spectrum mused. "Maybe everypony else is doing so many things because there never was a Spectrum to help them. Or maybe this world's Spectrum Slash is just really lazy. Maybe Discord's trying to show me what my world would be like without me."

"Eeeeeeyup," said Big Macintosh, dreamily.

~~~~~

"What I don't understand," said Discord, "is if nopony but Spectrum can touch the weather, then how was the weather run before Spectrum was born?"

"Oh, the pegasi did that," said Celestia. "I don't - I don't like to think back to those days."

Discord raised an eyebrow. "Why not?" he asked. "Did you have lots of disasters?"

Celestia winced. "Not... not so much," she admitted. "It went... smoothly. But things are better now, really! Now that Spectrum Slash is here, she can handle everything!" She gave Discord a nervous grin.

Discord, for his part, offered a very flat look in exchange. "Everything," he said.

"Yes!" said Celestia. "Everything! Spectrum Slash has to be the one to handle everything! Stuff goes wrong if anypony else tries!"

Discord raised his left eyebrow. "Are you saying that the very laws of the universe are conspiring to make sure that Spectrum Slash is the only pony permitted to partake of particularly positive action of any persuasion?"

"Yes!" squeaked Celestia, nodding rapidly and somewhat nervously. "Only - Spectrum Slash - is allowed to do - anything!"

"I see," said Discord. "So, if I am ever going to help anypony, I'd need to find some way around that rule..."

Celestia winced. "Don't!" she said. "It... it only gets worse, if you try to fight back against it... and then... and then it's other ponies who bear the brunt of it..."

"Oh, don't worry," said Discord. "I wouldn't do a thing to harm any ponies. Nonetheless - breaking the rules is rather a speciality of mine."

He cracked his knuckles.

"It. Is. On."

Rainbow Dash/My

"It is strange," said Spectrum Slash, as she and Dash strolled away from Sweet Apple Acres, "that every pony which I have met in this world is the counterpart to somepony from my world. Except one."

"Oh, really?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Yes," said Spectrum Slash. "Really. You are the one single exception."

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. "Really?" she asked. "Rainbow mane? Totally awesome pegasus? Oldest friend of the shy yellow pegasus? Helped defeat Nightmare Moon? Sound familiar?"

"Yes," said Spectrum, "but we are talking about you now, not me. And I didn't just help defeat Nightmare Moon, I did it all by myself, because I'm just that awesome."

"Gah!" said Rainbow, planting one hoof firmly on her forehead.

"Do you find that pleasant?" asked Spectrum Slash. "You appear to be doing it quite often."

Rainbow Dash sighed.

~~~~~

"This is my rock," proclaimed Discord, proudly. "Look at it, Tia. It's perfect."

"It... is a rock," said Celestia, carefully.

"Yes!" enthused Discord. "And not just any rock! It is my rock! It is big and gray and mottled and just abosolutely, incredibly, amazingly perfect!"

"There... there are many rocks exactly like it in this part of the desert," replied Celestia, hesitantly.

"Ah, no there are not!" cried Discord, triumphantly. "The difference is that this rock is big- is sma- is gra- it is my rock! And it is the best thing ever in this whole, complicated world! Why, I do not know how I could possibly stand it, if something happened to my rock! It is the most stupendously precious thing in all of possible existence! It is perfect!"

"It... it is a rock?" said Celestia, shuffling a few steps away from Discord.

~~~~~

"Alright, look," said Rainbow. "The truth is -"

"The horror, the HORROR!" screamed Rose, charging suddenly between the two mares and running for the horizon. Both mares blinked at each other, then turned to look in the direction she had been running from, only to see a giant hydra lumber out of the Everfree Forest, all five heads hissing with anger.

Spectrum Slash crouched down, and spread her wings. "This," she said, "looks like a job for Spectr-"

Rainbow held her hoof over Spectrum's mouth for a moment, then said "Don't bother. Fluttershy's got this one." She pointed towards where a small yellow pony took off and flew towards the behemoth from a point partway between the cottage and Twilight's library.

Spectrum Slash raised an eyebrow. "Yellowshy?" she asked. "But she's, she's, um, she's..."

Rainbow nodded. "Yeah, going to talk to a hydra."

Spectrum narrowed her eyes. "She'll get killed."

Rainbow shook her head. "No, she won't. I mean, sure, it freaked me out the firt time I saw her talk something dangerous into just going home and... well. But she's really good at this."

~~~~~

"And now I am going to do something for my rock!" said Discord.

"You musn't!" objected Celestia, raising one hoof warningly.

"Oh, come now. I'm just building a house for my dear, darling little - big rock," said Discord. He snapped his eagle claw, and planks and bricks appeared, flying through the air to rapidly build a house.

Celestia squealed and dived to hide behind the nearest rock. Then, realising that she was hiding behind Discord's rock, she screamed again and found a different rock to hide behind.

And above them blackness spread through the clear blue sky like ink pouring into a saucer of water. Dark clouds flowed from nowhere, thick and heavy.

Discord looked up, and frowned.

KRA-KOOOOM!

Lightning burst from the clouds, slamming into Discord's rock.

Discord frowned. "Is that -"

KRA-KOOOOM! KRA-KOOM! KRA-KOOOOOOOM! KRA-KOOM KRA-KOOM KRA-KRA-KROOOOOOOOOM!

"That's... a lot of lightning for one rock," murmured Discord, as his rock crumbled under the deadly lightning assault. "I mean, um, nooooooo. My rock. My rock is destroyed. Nooooooooooo. How terrible." He rolled his eyes at his own words, and then flew up and stuck his head into the clouds. He rummaged around in the nearest one,and pulled something out with a pop.

Then he strolled quietly towards where Celestia was hiding, as the clouds gurgled and vanished as though running down some giant sky-based plughole.

"The first time it hurts," murmured Celestia, flat on the ground and trembling, with her hoves over her eyes. "The second time it kills. The first time it hurts. The second time it kills. The first time it hurts. The second time it kills."

"And what happens the third time?" asked Discord, gently.

"Dunno," whimpered Celestia. "Nopony's ever tried a third time."

"You know more about what's going on than you've been telling me, don't you?" asked Discord.

"...won't help if I do..." muttered Celestia. "...even you can't help..."

Hydra/Ice-cream

The hydra lay down on a field, flat on its back. All five heads relaxed, resting on a pile of leaves shaped like a pillow.

"Grooooowr," said the second head. "Greeeeer. Groar."

"Is that so?" asked Fluttershy, hovering nearby. She made a note in her notebook with a pen gripped in her teeth. "And how did that make you feel?"

"Grooooeeeeeeer," said the fourth head.

"I'm sorry, Harriet," said Fluttershy, sternly, "but it's not your turn to talk yet. It's Henry's turn. You will get your turn later." She turned to face the second head. "Now, Henry. How did that make you feel?"

"Gre-" began the fourth head, stopping abruptly when Fluttershy glared at it. It glared back for a moment, then whimpered, burying itself in its leafy pillow.

"Graaaaaaaar," said the second head. "Gre-he-he-he-he-heeeeee."

"Henry!" said Fluttershy, folding her forelegs and frowning. "That's not very polite! You know as well as I do that you're all going to have to live with each other, and you all owe it to each other not to make that any harder than it has to be!"

~~~~~

"Now, now," said Discord, patting Celestia awkwardly on the head. "Why don't you have some ice cream? I'm told that's good for crying mares."

He snapped his claws, and a large tub labelled 'Blueberry Icecream' appeared in front of Celestia.

"I hope you don't mind," he added, "but I put in a little something for flavour. Nothing that'll injure an alicorn, of course, even if you eat the entire tub, but given that the only thing around here with any flavour seems to be poison..."

Celestia grabbed the spoon and started shovelling icecream into her mouth, sobbing as she did so.

~~~~~

"Twilight, darling?" Rarity stepped cautiously into the library, dodging around the rainbows still flowing through the air (though the best efforts of Spike with a sponge and a bucket of water had at least made a few pony-sized gaps here and there).

"Right here, Rarity," said Twilight, from inside the library.

Rarity trotted in, to see Twilight relaxing on the floor, with a book propped open in front of her.

"What can I do for you?" she asked.

Rarity blinked. This wasn't the research-binging Twilight she'd expected. "Do you mind if I ask what you're reading, darling?"

"Daring Do and the Griffin's Goblet," said Twilight, promptly.

"...ah," said Rarity. "Well, I was on my way to meet Fluttershy for our regular spa visit, when I met the most startling individual -"

"Oh," said Twilight. "Spectrum Slash."

"Quite, darling. And so I was just wondering what..."

"...was going on." said Twilight. "Discord."

"Discord?"

Twilight nodded, and took a deep breath. "Spectrum Slash," she explained, "is a character invented by Rainbow Dash for her completely ridiculous and over-the-top fanfic. Total Mare-Sue character. Discord decided to get involved and, with a mix of shape-shifting and illusion magic, made it look like he'd pulled Spectrum Slash out of Rainbow Dash's story. Which would be completely ridiculous if true, of course, ha-ha, writing a book can't create a universe, so therefore Discord has to have faked it all..."

There was a sproing as one of the hairs in Twilight's mane spontaneously sprang out of position.

"I... see, darling," said Rarity, cautiously backing away about half a step.

"So I'm sure that Spectrum can't do anything Discord wouldn't do," finished Twilight. "I'm just waiting for him to decide the prank's gone on long enough and give up, myself."

"...and is this the story in question?" asked Rarity, pointing at a pile of papers on the table.

Twilight nodded. "That's it," she said. "I wouldn't recommend reading it, Dash - needs a lot of work as an author."

Rarity picked up the manuscript and glanced over it. "Is it... supposed to be writing itself at the end?" she asked.

"What?" asked Twilight.

~~~~~

Discord opened up his lion paw, looking at what he had pulled from the storm. "Doing-ness," he said. "I don't know if there's a proper name, made up by stuffy unicorns somewhere, probably 'volition' or some such, but I always called it 'doing-ness'. Whenever you create something, it's got a little bit of yourself in it - or sometimes a lot. You can tell who did something by looking at the doing-ness of it." He lay back, leaning his head on Celestia's barrel, and looked up at the sky, ignoring the sounds of rapid ice-cream consumption. "Do you know whose doing-ness was in that storm?"

"Mmmmmrph," said Celestia, around another mouthful of ice cream. She shook her head. "Hrm mmmmmph."

"Mine," said Discord. "The doing-ness I put into creating that house was also the cause of the storm."

"Hrrrrrmmm mph-mph." mumbled Celestia.

"And it's creating things that gets you into trouble here," said Discord. "Anything that lasts. Creating a future. Creating a legacy. Creating, well, a house. Anything, as long as it lasts. Which means that ice cream is about the safe limit - it's either eaten, or it melts, and either way it doesn't last."

"Hmmmmph." said Celestia.

"You've always been good at keeping secrets, Celestia." asked Discord, still looking up at the sky. "The perfect poker face. Not a word, not a gesture that's not perfectly controlled. You don't tell ponies the truth, you tell them what they need to hear."

"Hrmph?" asked Celestia, surprised at the abrupt subject change.

"Until you come into contact with poison joke," continued Discord. "It makes you unable to lie, and unable to avoid a direct question, and also turns your tongue a very pleasant shade of blue."

Celestia dropped the spoon, and gave the blue ice-cream a very suspicious look.

"Right now," said Discord, grinning widely, "I have a lot of questions."

~~~~~

"But that's just not right!" said Spectrum Slash, pointing both forehooves at the recumbant hydra. "You don't defeat a hydra by just talking at it! The way to deal with a hydra is to kick it in all its heads, then kick it so hard that it flies up in the air, then grab one head and spin it around and around several times, and finally throw it so far away that is never comes back!"

"Hey, different ponies have different methods," said Rainbow, with a shrug. "What Flutters is doing is working, right?"

"It shouldn't be!" objected Spectrum Slash. "She didn't even kick it once! She should have accidentally destroyed half of Ponyville by now, doing things herself like that!"

"...she should have what?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"This is stupid!" said Spectrum Slash, taking to the air in a burst of rainbows. Dash promptly followed.

Neither of them noticed that the grass where Spectrum had taken off was no longer as it had been. It no longer rustled in the wind, and would never again glint with morning dew; it was a single shade of green, with no variation, no shadows or shading, and above all, neither smell nor taste. It was grass in name only, devoid of almost all that made it grasslike.

Truth

"It can't be happening!" insisted Twilight. "Look, it's just words on paper. Discord's writing this to mess with us. It's the only reasonable explanation!"

"It doesn't quite seem to fit, darling," said Rarity. "I mean, can you imagine Discord writing something like this? As opposed to, say, a heartfelt treatise on why making Ponyville the chaos capital of the world is such a great idea?"

"...huh," said Twilight. "But - look, Discord delights in being unpredictable. Of course he wouldn't do what ponies expect him to do! And the idea that there is a world inside each and every work of fiction is completely and utterly absurd in any case!"

"Hush, darling, I want to see what he asks the other Celestia..."

~~~~~

"Why don't we start with a simple question?" mused Discord.

"Depending on the question," said Celestia, staring down at her own traitorous muzzle, "you might find out more with a complex question and also there are some things that I really really really don't want to think about..."

Discord sighed. "This is going to hurt, I'm afraid," he apologised. "You can't lie to me right now, but you also can't lie to yourself. And as much as I appreciate the chaos of cognitive dissonance, I really do need to be sure of what's going on here. So... are things really better now than they were before Spectrum Slash was born?"

Celestia looked paniced. "They have -" she began. "They - I - I have to think so, because every time I don't, then bad things happen!"

"Question withdrawn," said Discord, quickly. "Now... what were things like, before Spectrum Slash was born?"

"...Equestria was peaceful," said Celestia. "Harmonious. Every pony had their part to play, and every pony played that part. There were giant monsters... but we dealt with them. Together. In harmony. The weather - the pegasi all looked after the weather. Together. The Earth ponies took care of the farmlands. And they could. Together."

"Mmmmm." Discord nodded. "And what's it like now?"

"Spectrum Slash does everything. Spectrum Slash has to... if anypony else tries..." Celestia started sobbing again. "The first time it hurts, the second time it kills..."

"And the third time?" asked Discord, again. "What happens to those who try it a third time? I can't believe nopony would - I mean, surely the other me, at least..."

Celestia wailed, a heartwrenching scream of despair. "They dieeeeeeeeeee!"

Discord blinked. "What?"

"Inside their heads and then there's nopony there but the body keeps moving and all they ever talk about is how great Spectrum Slash is and my student my sister half the population of Equestria are mindless constructs that just look like who they used to be!"

"...ah," said Discord. "No more experiments, then."

~~~~~

"I wonder what happens if we write in it?" asked Rarity.

Twilight waved a hoof irritably. "Do what you want," she said, "but you're really just encouraging Discord if you do."

"He does seem to be in quite a spot of bother, darling," said Rarity, lifting a quill. "Let me see, what shall I - ah, yes, that should be perfect..."

~~~~~

Quite suddenly, an elegant white mare in a brilliantly designed white-and-gold dress inlaid with emeralds trotted up to Discord and Celestia. She was carrying a large tub of triple fudge ripple ice-cream, the sort with a sweet taste that melts on the tongue, absolutely perfect for a mare undergoing a crisis; it was still cold enough that frost was visible on the outside of the tub.

"Hello!" said Discord. "Where did you come from?"

"I - I'm not sure," said Fashion White.

~~~~~

"Fashion White!" snorted Rarity. "Honestly!"

~~~~~

"I was just waiting in the bushes to jump out at some unsuspecting pegasus and force her into a lame dress -"

~~~~~

"Well, I never! I will not stand for that!"

Rarity quickly began writing again.

~~~~~

" - when I decided never to ever do that again." said Fashion White. "Also, my name is ridiculous and I should change it."

"Rarity?" asked Discord. "Is that you?"

"Rarity is an absolutely wonderful name," said Fashion White, primly.

"This - has - flavour," said Celestia, eating a spoonful of the triple fudge ripple. "It has flavour but it's not poisonous! And, and -" She looked up at Fashion White. "You're not speaking in a monotone anymore!"

~~~~~

"And why shouldn't ponies be able to solve their own problems?" asked Rainbow Dash, standing on a cloud well above Ponyville.

"Because they can't!" insisted Spectrum Slash. "Ponies can't do anything! I have to do everything! All the time!"

"You are a pony!" yelled Rainbow.

"No, I'm NOT!" yelled Spectrum Slash.

"...what."

"Look - a pony, when they meet a hydra, they scream, fold their wings tightly to their side, and say 'I am scared'. Then I come and beat up the hydra, okay? Ponies can't beat up hydras! I can! Ponies need me to survive! I... I don't know what I am, and okay, I look like a pony, but I am NOT a pony!"