Mistery Meat

by MythrilMoth

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Equestria Girls, Slice of Life, Granny Smith, Mystery
Length: 1689

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo decide to find out what the cafeteria at CHS is really feeding them.

It's grey. It's lumpy. It's disgusting. It's on the school lunch menu. Nobody knows what it is. And it isn't even spelled right.

Just what IS "Mistery Meat"?

Apple Bloom and her friends are determined to find out...

Published 2014-11-05 12:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-10 19:14:02 UTC

Institutional Lunch Product

"Ugh...what IS this slop?"

Scootaloo poked her fork at the congealed mass of glue-like grey gunk sitting atop a piece of whole wheat toast on her lunch tray.

"Ah dunno, but there ain't enough hot sauce in Canterlot t' make it fit t' eat," Apple Bloom said, taking a bite of her ripe, crisp apple.

"I'm so glad I bring my lunch to school," Sweetie Belle said, taking a bite of the turkey, chicken, and swiss sandwich on wheat roll that Rarity had lovingly made for her that morning.

Scootaloo pulled out her copy of the cafeteria menu for the month, frowning at it. "Wow, whoever types up the menus is lazy," she said. "I'm pretty sure this is misspelled."

Sweetie Belle snatched the menu away from Scootaloo and studied it. "Yeah, you spell 'mystery' with two Ys," she said. "How can anyone working at a school make a mistake like that?"

"Hey now, mah granny types up th' menus," Apple Bloom said with a scowl. "She ain't had no schoolin', but she can read an' write." She looked at the menu. "It's probably just a typo." She blinked, then took a second look at the menu. "A typo that shows up every single time this crap's on th' menu..."

"Hey...do you think maybe it...maybe it is crap?" Scootaloo asked. "Like, actual crap?"

"Ewwwww!" Sweetie Belle said, putting her sandwich down and reaching for her napkin. "Don't even say things like that! Especially not while I'm eating!"

"What? It's not like you're the one eating this crap."

Apple Bloom stood up. "Ah'm gonna go ask Granny exactly what this stuff is," she announced. She walked over to the counter.

Granny Smith looked up from cleaning her station. "Howdy, yung'un!" she said. "You ain't lookin' fer seconds now, are ya?"

"Actually, Ah wanted t' ask somethin'. Whut exactly is th' mystery meat?"

Granny Smith blinked. "Well now, Ah can't rightly say whut it is, Apple Bloom," she said. "Heck, Ah don't even cook it. Ah just slop it on th' trays an' don't ask questions." She frowned. "If'n th' school had money for good food, Ah wouldn't serve it. It looks like it came out th' wrong end of a sick mule. But...they say it's got all th' vitamins and minerals you kids need, so..." She shrugged. "Ah can't argue with them smart folk whut done put it on th' menu."

"Oh," Apple Bloom said, disappointed. Then, remembering something, she asked, "Hey...why do you spell it that way on the menu, anyway? Mystery isn't spelled with an I..."

Granny chuckled. "Ah know that, chil'! But see, that's th' thing...th' big tubs that stuff comes in spell it jes' like that on th' side." She shuffled into the back of the cafeteria, then returned with an empty plastic tub big enough to drown a five-year-old in. "See?"

On the side, in stark red block lettering, the tub said:

MISTERY MEAT

F&F INDUSTRIAL FOOD PRODUCTS

INSTITUTIONAL USE ONLY

"Huh," Apple Bloom said, scratching her head. "Well...thanks, Granny."

"You have a good afternoon now," Granny Smith said as she put the empty Mistery Meat tub away and went back to wiping down the kitchen.

Apple Bloom returned to the table to find her friends waiting expectantly. "Well?" Scootaloo asked.

"She don't know," Apple Bloom said. "It comes from some place called F&F Industrial Food Products."

"Wow, that name sounds about as bad as the stuff they make looks," Scootaloo said.

"Funny thing though, it's mispelled on the tubs that crud comes in too."

Sweetie Belle pulled out her phone and did a web search. "F&F...hey, that's just a few miles from Sweet Apple Acres," she said.

The girls exchanged a glance, grinning.

"Crusaders Cafeteria Food Investigation?" Apple Bloom suggested.

"Totally," Scootaloo agreed. "I'm not eating another bite of this crap until I know what's crapping it out."

"Again, ewww," Sweetie Belle said.

"Hey, you gonna finish that?"

"Go ahead..."

* * * * *

When Saturday arrived, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle rode their bikes out to Sweet Apple Acres. Once they arrived, they joined Apple Bloom in her room.

"Right, so...y'all got yer sneakin'-around clothes?"

Scootaloo pulled a black hoodie and a pair of sweatpants out of her backpack. Sweetie Belle pulled out a similar outfit. Apple Bloom nodded and rummaged through her closet, producing an old camo-print track suit.

"Alright," Apple Bloom said, "let's get changed, then ride out t' that F&F place."

The girls changed clothes, then headed downstairs. "Ah'm goin' out fer a bike ride with th' girls," Apple Bloom called into the kitchen.

Applejack's voice replied, "Don't stay out too late!"

The three freshmen got on their bikes and rode out to the massive industrial complex that was F&F Industrial Food Products. There were three huge warehouses with aluminum roofs and siding, two slaughterhouses, several silos, and a half dozen Quonset huts. A dozen large trucks were parked around the warehouses.

As the girls snuck around the compound, they saw two men with red and white hair hauling a pallet from one of the long huts to one of the warehouses. Among the dozens of containers, boxes, and crates on the palette, they could see a dozen tubs of "Mistery Meat".

"There it is," Sweetie Belle said.

"They came out of there," Scootaloo said, pointing to one of the huts. "Let's get a closer look."

The girls crept closer to the hut. Apple Bloom checked to see if the coast was clear, then motioned for the others to join her. Cautiously, the three Crusaders snuck into the hut, ducking behind a particle board divider that had a half dozen blood-encrusted smocks hanging from it.

"So, umm...you girls know we're breaking the law right now, right?" Sweetie Belle whispered.

"Sneaking around in here isn't as big a crime as that cafeteria crap," Scootaloo shot back.

"Shhh!" Apple Bloom hissed.

The two red-and-white haired men returned a few minutes later. "How many more do we have in the hopper, Flim?"

One of the men walked over to a large deep freezer, opening its lid and peering inside. "Enough for...I dunno, maybe three more tubs?"

"Well, throw 'em in the microwave and thaw 'em out," the other man said as he pulled on a pair of thick, heavy rubber gloves. "We've got a quota to meet and time's a-wastin'!"

"One order of frozen Mistery Meat coming right up, Flam!" the man named Flim said with a chuckle. He put on a similar pair of heavy gloves, then reached into the freezer and pulled out three enormous plastic bags.

The girls looked at one another, then snuck closer to get a better look.

Flim walked over to a row of industrial microwaves and began extracting long, thick, wrinkly tubes from the freezer bags, placing them on thick plastic trays and placing them in the microwaves.

Apple Bloom's eyes widened.

The girls watched in sick fascination as Flim and Flam thawed out the main ingredient of Mistery Meat, then carried it over to a large meat grinder, feeding it into the machine. The grinder rumbled and growled as it spat out chunks of pulped Mistery Meat, which Flam carefully collected in large plastic tubs.

Once they finished filling three tubs, Flim said, "We've still got enough for one more tub, but I really think we should cut more first."

"You're never wrong, brother of mine! Let's get those loaded first. Can't let the youth of today get food poisoning from spoiled lunches!" The two brothers laughed as they loaded the tubs of Mistery Meat onto the palette and hauled it out.

As soon as the coast was clear, Apple Bloom dashed over to the deep freeze, her friends following her. She opened the lid and peered inside. "Oh my God," she said. She ran for the door on the opposite end of the hut and ducked out of sight.

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at the frost-encrusted bag in the freezer. "I don't get it," Scootaloo said blankly.

"Me either."

They heard the sounds of Apple Bloom throwing up. Sharing a concerned glance, they rushed outside.

They found her kneeling against the end of the building, her face green, a pool of vomit on the ground.

"Apple Bloom? You okay?" Scootaloo asked.

Apple Bloom stood up, shuddering. "We're leaving," she said. "Oh my God..."

"What's wrong, Apple Bloom?" Sweetie Belle asked. "What was that stuff?"

Apple Bloom looked at her friends, especially Scootaloo. "You...you really don't wanna know." She staggered toward where they'd parked their bikes. "Let's jes'...let's jes' say it's somethin' that don't never belong in anybody's mouth." Shuddering again, she added, "An' now Ah get why they spelt it like that." She retched once more, then got on her bike and sped away from F&F as fast as she could.

"I guess we'll never find out what's in Mistery Meat," Scootaloo said as she and Sweetie Belle followed their friend.

"Maybe...maybe we're better off not knowing," Sweetie Belle said. "Maybe some things...maybe there's some things you just don't want to know."

Behind them, Flim and Flam led a bull into one of the slaughterhouses.

* * * * *

As soon as Apple Bloom told Granny Smith what she'd seen, Canterlot High School changed cafeteria suppliers. They never served Mistery Meat ever again.

Omake!

"Uhh, Pinkie Pie?" Sunset Shimmer asked as she sat down at the group's table in the cafeteria. "You're uhh...you're making kind of a scary face there."

Pinkie Pie did indeed have the most insouciant evil smirk any of the girls had ever seen. Even Sunset Shimmer at her most evil...hell, even the Dazzlings had never looked quite as smugly evil as Pinkie looked at that moment.

"Yeah, uhh...mind lettin' us in on...whatever's up, sugarcube?" Applejack asked.

Pinkie Pie's grin grew even wider. "I just tricked Rainbow Dash into eating a triple serving of Mistery Meat," she said.

Fluttershy gasped. "Oh my g--Pinkie! How could you? That's terrible!"

Rarity frowned. "I agree, Pinkie...that's...rather disgusting."

"She can't eat that! She's a lesbian!" Fluttershy said.

The others all STARED at her.

Author's Note