Chapter 1: Our Words Are Backed By Nuclear Weapons
“Princess Celestia, India’s President Mohandas Gandhi is here to meet with you now.”
Celestia looked up from her tea set and smiled plainly to the guard. “Very well. Have him enter.”
The guard bowed, then opened the door wide for Celestia’s guest.
In truth, Celestia’s expectations held true to the image of the man she had requested for tea in her mind. Out of all of Earth’s leaders, it was said that Gandhi was the most humble and peaceful, and his appearance definitely agreed with that. He was dressed simply in a robe and wire-spectacles, a humorous smile on his mustached face that spoke leagues of wisdom. He bowed to her, saying, “Princess Celestia, it is an honor.”
Celestia got up from her seat and bowed in turn. “The honor is mine, President Gandhi, to have you here in friendly relations today.”
“Please, please, Gandhi will suffice,” he said, taking his seat. His movements to kneel were slow, a wince passing over his wizened face slightly before he was fully comfortable in his cushion. “It is improper for anything else when a guest is invited by his host.”
“Of course.” Celestia smiled and Gandhi shared it, both needing no need to fake one. Listing up the tea kettle with her magic, Celestia asked, “Would you like a cup? It’s Masala Chai.”
Gandhi nodded, Celestia pouring into his cup immediately. “Ah, you know my weakness already. How did you know the quickest path to my heart was through tea?”
“I had my suspicions,” Celestia said, hiding her smirk behind her cup.
The two great leaders sipped their tea in silence. Not that it was awkward or uncomfortable. The simple act of enjoying tea with pleasant company spoke volumes above what mere words could produce. It was a simple act of corresponding respect between the rulers allowing one another to enjoy their cup at their own pace that really set the bar for Celestia’s admiration for Gandhi that was already blossoming into a tree of respect.
Finally, it was Gandhi who broke the silence when his cup clicked against the table when he set it down. “I suppose I should start with on behalf on the Indian people, I extend a hand of friendship towards you.” He reached out with his gnarled hand that had been weather-beaten over the ages. “Both figuratively and literally.” He grinned.
Celestia reached out with her own hoof and pressed it in the palm of his hand, whereas he shook it with a vigor she did not expect from a man of his age. “And I to you, Gandhi. The Equestrian ponies would be honored to have you and your people as allies.”
When they broke off from handshaking, Gandhi wiped his mustache with a napkin, then coughed under his breath. “I must say, it is a great privilege to be invited from the Equestrian princess herself. You have not delivered such great entitlements to another other Earth leader. In fact, I believe I am the first.” Adjusting his spectacle, Gandhi asked, “It is only natural that I am curious. If my question means to offend, then I apologize for it.”
Celestia shook her head, chuckling in good faith. “Oh, no, it’s nothing, really. When our two worlds first made contact, at first I was nervous. Apprehensive even. There had been many reports of the… well, atrocities committed by your world’s various leaders. To their own people, the people of other nations, and even then some. Just… terrible, really. And that was from just what I heard.”
Gandhi nodded solemnly. “Unfortunately, not everyone in my world is as committed to nonviolence as I am.”
“Exactly my point. While all the other leaders bicker or invade or act as warmongers, there’s you above the curve. Peaceful, with no wars declared, a most trusted ally and beneficial friend, and one of the few most likely to declare friendship with other nations, like you did just now with me.” Celestia shook her head and stared at Gandhi with eyes filled to the brim with esteem. “It really amazes me that you have managed to excel above your ruling peers in terms of friendship and peace. I am very curious at how you managed to do so.”
Gandhi laughed, not at her question, but with honest jubilance. “Ohohoho, I have not been asked that in a long while.” He removed his spectacles and wiped them on his robe, wiping away at his eyes. “In all honesty, it is quite simple, I am surprised you didn’t figure it out sooner.”
“Oh?” Celestia arched a brow.
“I am mad.”
Celestia’s brow arched further. “Uh… beg your pardon.”
“Oh, my mistake. I meant to say I support MAD.” Gandhi put his spectacles back on, smiling at her with no change in expression from before. “Mutually assured destruction. With nukes. You understand?”
Celestia’s jaw hung so limp it threatened to fall right from her face.
Gandhi picked up his cup and sipped it, smacking his lips with a content sigh. “I will not lie to you. My armies are small, but my cities are populous and advanced in build. I do not wish to rule my world through domination or wars. Rather, I see democracy in a diplomatic manner as the most likely of solutions for world peace.”
“But… but what about nuking the entire world? You just said that’s how you retain your peace,” Celestia said, horror shrouding her expression at Gandhi’s nonchalance with talking about the matter of ending all life on his planet in a radioactive dust cloud.
“You must understand, my country is one of the oldest spots of civilization in the entire world. Side by side, wealth and poverty had lived in bitter rivalry in my lands for thousands of years. India had been conquered, broken apart, conquered again, oppressed, invaded, and divided into smaller kingdoms that had warred with one another since the very first people lived there. It was only through three decades of nationalism and peaceful rebellion that we finally kicked the British out, but what then? I knew that it’d never stop. The invasions would come again eventually. Along with it the wars, the massacres, the non-stop killing and brutal oppression not unlike the English and those before them. That is India’s history, and I knew for a fact that history always repeats itself.” Gandhi’s eyes gleamed from behind his spectacles as his smile spread across his wrinkled face. “Well, almost always.”
“So… you use the threat of nuclear armageddon to keep any nation from attacking you?” Celestia asked.
“And to assure they do not attack each other. Thus far other leaders have stepped in line. The threat of total annihilation for every side tends to do that.” Gandhi finished the last traces of his tea and set his cup back on the counter. “I hope you do not find my ways abhorrent, Princess Celestia. It is just the practice I have to adopt for the world I live in.”
Celestia nodded. Her tea was growing cold and her throat was parched, but she didn’t trust herself to drink anything right now after what she had just heard. “No, no, I’m sure you’re only looking out for your best interests at heart.”
“Of course. Excellent tea by the way.” Gandhi rose from his seat, and bowed to Celestia once again. “Sorry to cut this short, but I have other meetings in place and promises to keep.”
“Oh, no need to apologize. It was a pleasure being in your company.” Celestia said, repressing the urge to back away slowly from the man. Actually, quickly was the way she wanted to escape from his presence. Those cheerful eyes will never look the same way to her ever again.
“Very good. Now, I have a Giant Death Robot I need to catch. That French Revolution isn’t going to stop itself.”
And it was with those words that Celestia learned a very important lesson about the human world: never mess with Gandhi. Ever.
Author's Note
Crossover with Civilization. Gandhi is usually shown to be the most nuke happy world leader in the game, as seen here:
Don't mess with Gandhi, kids, or else you're in for a loooooooooong game.
Celestia’s eyes opened. Then she blinked a few times. No, she was probably just dreaming it. There’s no possible way it could be true. But it was. By the wrath of the Ultimate Alicorn, it was!
The phone was ringing.
“I swear, if it’s another telemarketer, someone is going to get burned,” Celestia grumbled, dragging herself out of the bed to stumble and trudge her way to the phone, which was on the other side of the room for whatever asinine reason.
Nearly ripping the receiver in two when she picked it up, Celestia hissed out a, “WHAT?!”
“Heyyyyyyy, Celestia. Long time no see!”
“Are you a telemarketer?”
“Hon-hon-hon! Don’t be silly! It’s me, Napoleon!”
Celestia’s eyes drooped and she wiped from drool dripping from the side of her mouth. “Uh huh.”
“You know? Emperor of France? Leader of one of the most powerful nations on Earth? That guy who was kicked out of the Grand Galloping Gala for the fruit punch incident?”
“Wait, that was you?”
“Never fret, I already apologized for that. Anyway, I was in the need for a favor from you.”
Celestia rubbed her forehead, new wrinkles appearing already. “At two in the morning?”
“Huh, here it’s only four in the morning.”
Celestia sighed. “What do you want?”
“Don’t you think it’d be a great idea to open your borders? Because I think it would. It would most definitely, uh… help bolster our friendship with one another. Yeah, sure, let’s go with that.”
“Uh…” Celestia’s head nearly slid off the receiver, and after shaking her noggina few times she murmured, “Sure, fine.”
“Great! You’ll do it right away, right?”
“Can’t I sleep first.”
“But I want open borders nooooooooooooooooow!”
Celestia cringed. “Fine, fine!” Celestia’s horn muddled up some lazy magic, and she got about to writing an open borders letter to the nearest and currently awake border captain. “Happy?” she asked, teleporting the letter off.
“Immensely. It was foolish of you to trust me. Muhahahahahahahaha!”
“Wuh?”
“Erm, I meant to say, um… poodles taste like crust to me.”
After a few seconds, Celestia blinked once, hung up the phone, and returned to her bed for some much needed sleep.
Which lasted for around two hours.
“Sister!” Luna blew off the door to Celestia’s chambers (it wasn’t even locked) and immediately jumped to her sister’s side, or rather atop her sister, and by atop to be more specific, her back. “Napoleon just invaded!”
Celestia groaned into her pillow, drowning out her annoyance in some good old-fashioned enraged screaming.
“Ultimate Alicorn-damnit, Napoleon! It’s only two in the morning!”
“Four!” Luna corrected.
“Four! Double-Ultimate Alicorn-damnit!”
“Sister, we must hurry to defend Equestria from this foreign threat.”
“Can I have five more minutes!”
“Certainly not! We must leave post-haste at once!”
“Triple-Ultimate Alicorn-damnit!”
~ONE BLOODY WAR AND PEACE TREATY LATER~
Celestia groaned, grunted, grumbled, growled, and even gnawed on her hoof, but it was no use. Her phone was ringing again. Why she had it all the way on the other side of her bed she still didn’t know and forgot to correct because of last time, but hey, at least she got some exercise out of dragging her half-asleep body to the ringing dread.
Picking up the receiver, Celestia whispered in a voice one would stick to a serial murderer rather than a princess, “Whaaaaaaaaat?!”
“Hey, Celestia, it’s me, Napoleon.”
Celestia had to physically bite down on her tongue to prevent herself from screaming at the top of her lungs. She tasted blood.
“Seeing how our peace treaty and everything now makes us allies, I was wondering if it’d be cool with you if you could, oh, I don’t know… open those borders?”
“Even after the bloody war you waged on me that cost countless lives?”
“Hey now, that was just a misunderstanding. Plus, what is it that saying you ponies have? Magic of friendship?”
“That means open borders now?”
“Sure it does! Friends open borders for friends. It’s a common thing to do. So, want to give it a go?”
“Hey, Napoleon, what time it is over there in France?”
“Um… I think around six in the morning. Why?”
“Look outside your window.”
“Okay, I am. What am I supposed to be seeing?”
Celestia picked up the phone and walked over to a window, where she drew back the curtains for a view of the night sky, dawn still a ways away. Celestia’s horn glowed a splendid yellow, and then the sun peeked over the horizon, illuminating the skies in a golden show of rays and beams of light.
However, one beam in particular grew incredibly bright. So much so that one could not look at it too closely without one’s corneas begging for mercy. It was like the sun just had a zit popped and now all the gooey remains spluttered on the earth below.
“Good morning,” Celestia said, her smile as bright as the sun.
“MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEES!”
Author's Note
Basically, I'm gonna continue the fic whenever I have an interesting experience in a game of Civ that I think would be funny to include ponies with, or if one of you guys wanna share a story. The more ridiculous the better!
