True Story

by Eyeswirl the Weirded

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Rarity, Shining Armor, Prince Blueblood, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 27927

In the face of ambiguity as to what happened between Blueblood and Rarity the day he came to town, curiosity and wild guessing run rampant.

"What happened back there?"

"Nothing, and if you ever ask me that again, consider yourself FIRED forever. Understand?"

That was what he said the day of the Summer Sun Celebration inspection, but a pony can't help wondering. Shining Armor has followed that particular order to the best of his ability since then, but some other ponies aren't so inclined to let the past lie.

Published 2016-03-19 11:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-15 14:24:51 UTC

Chapter 1: Fine By Me

"So," asked Soarin, "how about you, Private Shi-I mean, Shining? Anything to share?"

As was a common sight for Ponyville mornings, the Stallion Six had gathered in Sugarcube Corner, bar two of their usual number. Prince Blueblood had gone yesterday to take an exam in Canterlot and wasn't due back for a few more hours. Doctor was off being Doctor somewhere, which left four at their usual table that day. The subject of messy ways to end a relationship had been raised shortly after the topic of Thunderlane's final break-up with Blossomforth, particularly how shockingly smooth it had been. Soarin, being the one to bring it up, had a few, Big Macintosh had offered only a flat Nnnope when asked, which left only Shining Armor.

He shook his head. "Nah, I'm not very popular with mares." The other three briefly shared a look before turning back to him, eyebrows raised.

Thunderlane was the first to ask. "Really? Not even, say, a soft-spoken, easily terrified flower mare?"

"Huh?"

Smiling, Soarin took another stab at it. "Or a tomboy with a colorful personality?"

Once more, Private Shining 'Virgin' Armor earned his post with a confused head-tilt. "Tomboy with a...? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," they sighed in unison, giving up again.

Thunderlane shrugged. "Well, it was worth a shot."

"Damn," muttered Soarin, "I bet Prince would have had at least a few stories to share if he were here. Guy's definitely been around enough times."

That tickled something in Shining's memory. Prince! There was a short-lived attraction and shouty falling-out between him and the seamstress the day he came to Ponyville, maybe that counted? "Uhh, well," he offered, "I might kinda know one story. Or, half of one."

The rest of the table gave him their full attention, Soarin in particular looking at him with a gleam of what may have been pride in his eyes.

"It isn't about me," deadpanned Shining, "it's about Blue the day we came to town, but all I really know is how it started and how it ended. This was right after the Zap-Apple incident at Sweet Apple Acres, where I insisted that they give him that screwy potion so he could continue with the inspection for the Summer Sun Celebration." Not a great move for a bodyguard, but he was sure the guilt would fade someday. "So, he goes into Rarity's place doped up on that potion, starts talking to her, and it actually kinda looks like they're, uh..." Once more, Private Shining 'Virgin' Armor earned his post by turning red and stammering. "Well, i-it looked like they were getting along, so I decided to wait outside and-"

There was a short interruption in the form of a "YOU FOOL!" from Soarin before the story went on.

"I heard them shouting at each other, Blueblood walked out, Rarity was right behind him, and both were shouting at each other. Now they're sworn enemies, and Blue said if I ever ask what happened, I'm f-..." Shining trailed off as sweat formed on his brow, his eyes widening as he recalled that all-important last part. "Um. Guys? C-can you not tell anypony that I've told you all this? Ever?"

"Sure thing!" chirped a familiar voice that made all four of them jump. Shining scored the most Startle points today by flailing his forehooves and falling out of his chair.

Standing there in all her puffy, baker-ninja glory, Pinkie Pie didn't notice the startling effect her sudden appearance had. "A long-kept secret about a friend and a maybe-maybe-not lady-friend? That'll totally never come up again!" She beamed happily, certain the secret would forever be safe. Probably.

Shining looked at Pinkie with a hopeful smile. "You really think so?"

"Abso-tutely-lutely, Shiny!" She turned to the others at the table. "Right, guys?"

The three of them exchanged nervous glances.

"It, eh, could happen," Soarin said weakly.

"It's not likely, man," said Thunderlane with a wince.

"Nnnope."

Shining laughed, smiling pleasantly. "Yea, that's kinda what I thought."

All was silent, the other patrons of the bakery stopping what they were doing to stare at the peaceful, grinning stallion. He bolted from the room, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Noise and normality returned a moment later.

"So," mumbled Thunderlane, "shouldn't we go after him or something?"

"Maybe, maybe not," answered Soarin, "I doubt Prince would even be all that mad, if that's what he's worried about."

"Really? Remember how he was after the 'mud monster' incident?"

There was a short-lived moment of shame for the three stallions. Pinkie had conspicuously vanished.

"Well," Soarin replied with a smile, "he forgave us after that, so I'm sure he'd forgive Shining for this. So in the mean time," he said with a sly smirk, "anypony got any guesses what went down when Shining wasn't watching?"

Big Mac and Thunderlane shrugged, the latter offering his thoughts. "I'm guessing they were all doe-eyes at first, she said something about his cummerbund, he said something about her hair, and it all went downhill from there."

Soarin's smile got wider. "Ohh, I bet there was more to it than that!"

Things were peaceful in Town Hall, ribbons hanging in tasteful and elegant patterns as Rarity Belle, sole seamstress of Ponyville and proprietor of Carousel Boutique, worked alone. Suddenly, the doors flew open as Prince Blueblood, Ponyville's newest threat to chastity, danced through the entrance, literally pirouetting over to the lone lady, picking her up, and dipping her like a dance partner.

"Fine day, finer company," he whispered to her, "what say we offer our finest for each?"

The lady's porcelain cheeks tinted scarlet as she grinned coyly in reply, grabbing hold of the stranger's collar and a forehoof as she reversed their positions, dipping him as he had her. "A fine proposal from a finely-dressed gentlecolt," she paused to run a hoof along his silky, royal-blue bowtie, "and I of all ponies would know a thing or two about... finery."

The two spun as the tuxedo'd stallion whirled the then-unclothed mare through several of the bands that had hung for the arrival of a princess, now wrapped sparingly, but tastefully over and around her body. "The line between sophistication and limitation," he breathed into her neck, "is a fine one, wouldn't you say?"

She smiled wider. "A fine line indeed," she whispered, "but frankly," she untied the bow around his neck with a snap of her teeth and a quick movement of her head, so that it hung around his shoulders like the ribbons along her legs, neck, and barrel, "I'd say we're past the need for both."

He smirked. "Finally."

Their lips locked together, the two breathing into each other as fully and naturally as the truest lovers the world had ever known. But in that exchange, the lady drew in a scent from the other pony's breath, tasted it on his tongue. She drew back. "D...Darling, what is that I smell? It is faint, fine even, but unmistakable."

"I know not what you speak of, but I'd gladly refine the sensation to reach a finer understanding."

They kissed once more, just as deeply as before. Rarity again drew back, rapidly drawing in air through her nostrils. "I'm sure of it, that smell, you're... You're using performance-enchanting drugs! Well," she huffed, "worry not, a lady knows how to remedy such things!"

She slapped the other pony upside the head, the effects of the potion he had unknowingly ingested dispelled in a blink. "Ouch." He stepped back, addressing the red mark on the side of his face. "I'll ask you to find a finer remedy, your method is far from ladylike!"

The reply was a scowl. "Hmph! You should count yourself lucky I don't contact the authorities! Do you know the fine they charge for drug use?"

"The way you speak," he retorted, "I suspect you're no stranger to refined chemicals!"

She gasped, scandalized. "How dare you?! A lady such as myself finds no use whatsoever in such things!"

"So you say, yet you can find the scent of substance with only a finite exposure? Should I show the same courtesy in not asking that the law should inquire these things of you?"

"Fine! Just begone!"

"Fine!"

And so he left, a passionate romance the likes of which Equestria might not have survived lost but for a misunderstanding.

Soarin sat smiling as his two friends, and several ponies he hadn't noticed in Sugarcube Corner, stared at him, bewildered. "...What? Slapping him worked when we needed to wake him up in Everfree."

"There are a number of reasons we're wondering if you need to join that barking mare in the hospital," replied Thunderlane, "that wasn't one of them."

"Nnnope."

Shining Armor waited in his seat on the train, if he was lucky, he'd be able to reach Canterlot and talk to Blueblood before he reached the train station.

Naturally, he was not lucky, as the 8:45 was already coming down the other side of the tracks, Blueblood undoubtedly on board. Quickly, he opened a window, leaned out, and shouted at the top of his voice.

"HEYBLUEIACCIDENTALLYTOLDTHEGUYSABOUTRARITYSORRYSORRYSORRY!!"

Sitting in the opposite train, Blueblood saw him, heard a jumble of syllables, and didn't understand a single part of it. He shrugged. "Guess something interesting is waiting back home."

His head still leaning out the train window, Shining desperately hoped he'd said it clear enough. I said it while shouting at one train from another, wind rushing past at a hundred and twenty miles an hour, but he probably heard the whole thing, right? It was at this time that Shining noticed the ticket pony waving a hoof at him.

"Sir, you really, really shouldn't stick your head out the window, you might get hit by a-"

CLANG!!

As Shining Armor dropped to the train floor, unconscious, the ticket pony sighed. "Sign. Seriously, it's the whole reason we have that rule!"

Author's Note

Facial-based slapstick in chapter one!
I am learning. :trixieshiftleft:

Chapter 2: You'd Get Thorns In Your Teeth

"So," Soarin picked up, "how do you guys think it happened?"

Thunderlane shrugged. "Already told you my guess."

"...That's it?"

"That's it."

"Eeyup."

Soarin turned to the farmer. "What about you, Mac? Any guesses?"

Big Macintosh shrugged. "To be honest, Ah ain't real comfortable talkin' 'bout friends behind their backs like this. Don't make much difference either way what happened b'tween Blue an' Miss Rarity, fact is they don' like each other now. Ain't that enough?"

Soarin and Thunderlane were taken aback, feeling just a little ashamed of having gossiped like that. "Yea," nodded Soarin, "you've got a point. We should probably go join Shining to talk to Blue." He beamed brightly. "And THEN we'll talk about what happened!" He got two bewildered stares. "What? It's not talking behind his back if he's right there. Besides, maybe we can just ask what happened."

Thunderlane rolled his eyes. "Anyway. With the time it takes to ride a train to Canterlot and back they should both be back some time around noon, let's head to the train station around then." The others nodded in agreement and headed out to start their day, not planning to say another word about Blueblood and Rarity's first meeting.

The other patrons of Sugarcube Corner, however, made no such promise.

"Did you hear that?"

"They said Rarity was-"

"It sounded like-"

"Do you think they-"
"-during the Summer Sun Celebration, right?"
"-but they don't actually know if-"
"-could have been a misunderstanding-"
"Maybe, but what if-"
"Ohh, I bet I know what happened!"

A little later, two mares stood by their flower stands in the market area. Rose Luck turned to Lily Blossom. "Hey, you seen Daisy today? She's usually here by now."

Quickly looking about, Lily shook her head. "No... Do you think something happened?"

"I don't know, but-"

"Yes," a smiling Daisy Wishes said from directly behind her friends, making both jump a meter in the air, "something most certainly did happen!"

Turning to her tardy friend, Rose huffed. "You, giving us heart-attacks?" She got an apologetic smile in reply.

"Haha, sorry, I just couldn't wait to share the news with you guys!"

Lily tilted her head a little. "News...?"

"So," Rose summed up, "one of the new guys in town, Pri-"

Daisy raised an eyebrow. "New? They've been here for months!"

"Whatever! Prince Blueblood did something with Rarity the day he got here and now they won't talk to each other?"

"Pretty much. What do you think happened?"

"Uhh..." Rose idly scratched her chin. "I, don't really know. I thought he made up with the whole town after the party that night, so anything that could have led to a lasting grudge like this must've been pretty serious." She smiled. "Oh, I've got it; you said that Junebug said that Bella Brella said that Shining Armor said that they kinda started flirting, right?"

Daisy smirked a little. "You're heartbroken that it didn't really go anywhere, I'm sure."

"Shut up," Rose muttered as she tinted red. When the giggles subsided, she went on. "I'm thinking they probably kept at it, one of them started up the sweet nothings in Prench, then they ran out of lines and moved to Germane, then to Horspanish, then put on some music and danced a zesty tango together until one of them tripped and fell into one of Rarity's designs, tearing it in half and shutting things down right there."

"Uhm," Lily interjected, "I might have heard wrong, but didn't they meet up in town hall?"

There was a short exchange of glances before Daisy shrugged. "She's right, that kinda pokes a hole in the ruined design theory, unless Rarity brought a ponnequin with her for no reason."

"Meh," meh'd Rose, who was really just content that a dateless flower mare might still have a shot with a bachelor prince, "what do you think happened?"

Beaming, Daisy grew starry-eyed and slowly waved a hoof through the air, beginning her tale as though narrating a storybook. "It was a meeting that shook the stars..."

"AND AT LAST," declared Prince Blueblood as he burst into Town Hall, garbed in a glittering, golden tuxedo and holding a rose between his teeth, "let never again the clinging cold of desolate loneliness plague your maiden heart, my dear, for I have traveled far to see that you know only the comfort of my company henceforth!"

Rarity, dressed in a long, soft-pink, translucent gown embroidered with flowery patterns, turned to face him, her heart already aflutter. "Plagued though I may be by a great many things, Stranger, of the utmost prominence to me in this instance is but uncertainty. Pray tell, what brings you to me this day, and what are these utterances you bestow upon my virgin ears? Be doubtless that such sentiments are not unwelcome, but so deeply perplexing!"

Prince smiled as he stepped closer, slowly, as though ascending the steps to a holy shrine as he neared his beloved. "Surely," he breathed, talking around the two roses between his teeth, "that we should convene like this was written in tomes far older than this world, for not duty, not words, not dreams, but the very crux of need itself lands me within your sight this day."

The lady quivered, but did not back away. "Your sentiment rings in my ears and resounds in my heart, but I know not what you say."

His smile was clear even through the three roses in his teeth. "It is as I have detailed, Fairest of Ladies, for from the depths of my soul do I profess that I cannot stand, cannot live, cannot be tied to this realm at all but for the chance to be graced with your company." Gently, as though handling the essence of life itself, he took her hoof and knelt. "Miss Rarity of Ponyville, it is my deepest wish, and my humblest request, that I should be with you for all of time, that when all that is ceases to be, we should remain frozen even in the unchanging void together, come what may."

Glistening tears streaming down her face as the heat of this declaration awoke fires hotter than Celestia's own sun in Rarity's heart, she too began to smile, leaning her lips closer to his and the five roses therein. Their burning hearts beat in rhythm as they drew nearer, the clouds parting that choruses from the sky may be heard to commemorate the union of two ponies not whole up until this precious moment in their lives.

But lo, disaster struck as a changeling infiltrator burst into the room from the decorated skylights above! Brutally did it descend on the pair, making its fiendish and cowardly move to bite and drain each of their power before either could be readied! Their love, their passion, their all-consuming feelings for each other bled from their bodies as well as their spirits before the monster fled with its dark harvest, leaving only two drained, hurt, and embittered victims in its terrible wake.

Thus was the tragedy of the pair's first meeting.

Rose blinked very, very slowly. "...What."

Daisy hadn't lost her starry-eyed gaze. "Don't you get it? They were made for each other and then torn apart! It'd be a best-seller!"

"Where were the flowers coming from? One might be romantic, but more than that and it looks like you're playing with your food."

"Oh?" Daisy had a particular look in her eye as she smiled. "You would have liked it better if he only had one rose in his mouth?"

The red-haired mare grew to resemble her livelihood, though without the petals and thorns. "Y-you, that, that's j-just-!"

The sputtering continued for several seconds, but Daisy just giggled to herself about not having heard a 'no.' Then she turned to Lily, who, judging by the perplexed look on her face, was still working out the joke. Probably better if she doesn't get it. "So, what do you think happened, Lily?" She giggled again as Lily snapped to attention, doing that adorable 'Huh-what?!' face.

"I... I'm sorry, what was it?"

"Your take on what probably happened between Blueblood and Rarity to get them so steamed at each other." She glanced at Rose. "In a platonic way." This won another blush, much to Daisy's delight.

As she recalled what she partially overheard from the prince and Him as they ran through town shouting at each other not terribly long ago, Lily tinted red too. "Well, uh, m-maybe he tried to something-her-something that time...?"

Rose and Daisy shared an uncertain glance before the first customer of the day approached.

"Hey there," Daisy said with a grin, "have you heard the news...?"

Prince was conflicted when he'd stepped off the train at Ponyville, but it was possible Shining had just been worrying over nothing. The sky wasn't falling, the buildings weren't eating ponies, there were no signs of virulent disease or violent dementia ravaging the population, not even a single giant vegetable monster. It was peaceful, from what he could see, birds chirping, foals playing, clouds drifting across the sky over ponies just going about their day, the whole idyllic-little-town shebang. That made Shining's unheard warning all the more worrying. It was with no small amount of dread that he kept an eye out for purple cloaks and pointy hats, but so far the coast was clear.

Dammit, I should have looked up that counter-counter teleportation spell while I was in Canterlot!

Calm, but not wanting to be caught out in the open if something was wrong, he returned to Golden Oaks Library at a brisk pace, not worried about the slightly odd looks he was getting for doing so. You'd think they had never seen a pony in a hurry before!

Safe at home, Blueblood pulled up a chair in the front room, grabbed a good book, and waited. About an hour and a half later, the door flung open. Pleasantries were abandoned right away as Shining charged across the room with a panicked look on his face, ran right up to him, opened his mouth to repeat whatever he shouted on the train, and was silenced by Blueblood putting a hoof to his mouth. "Stop. Breathe. Think. Then speak. Please."

Shining nodded, got his thoughts together, then summarized that morning's events at Sugarcube Corner, apologizing at least four times for letting slip everything he knew about what happened between Prince and Rarity. To his surprise, however, Prince only smiled.

"It's okay."

There was a long silence as Shining stared back at him. "What with the what now?"

"I'm not angry," he answered with a shrug and a small frown, "to be honest, I forgot that I'd ever threatened you back then, and if anything, I'm sorry you've spent this long worrying about it."

Shining smiled. "So, you're not mad, and I'm not fired?"

Prince smiled back. "Nope!"

"Thanks!"

"What are friends for?" There was an audible pause. "So, did anything else happen while I was away?"

"Uh... Nah, nothing all that interesting. Why?"

"Oh, no reason. What have the others been up to?"

At about that time, Soarin, Big Macintosh, and Thunderlane all arrived at the train station.

"Damn," muttered Thunderlane, "I hate looking for ponies at places like this. There's no knowing if they're here and just out of sight, still riding the train to get here, or got here already and left."

"Eeyup."

"Worse than that," remarked Soarin, "Blue's probably gonna be pissed when he hears what everypony's talking about if he hasn't alrea-"

"Serendipitous," cried a voice from nearby, startling the three stallions as they whipped their heads in his direction, "that's got to be it!"

Sitting on a bench with a crossword puzzle, Doctor smiled as he claimed the squares of the latest word. Then he looked up. "Oh, good day, fellows! What brings you here?"

Thunderlane shrugged. "Some stuff happened at the usual place this morning and now we're looking for Shining and Prince. What about you?"

His smile broadening, Doctor got up. "The same!"

Soarin tilted his head. "Really? Why?"

"With an ear to the ground and a bit of deductive reasoning, I noodled out that the gossip going around town would most likely have come from one of the three ponies it was centered around. As one is a lady that keeps to herself, another was out of town, and the last was seen coming here, patiently waiting in line, buying a ticket, and getting on a train to Canterlot, all while screaming at the top of his lungs (I'm told it made the line go faster), it seemed most likely that our accidental culprit was none other than Shining Armor."

The others stared at him for a long moment. "So," asked Big Mac, "ya seen 'im?"

Doctor frowned, holding up the newspaper. "No. I got really caught up in this crossword puzzle while I waited. The next one is a sixteen-letter word; a difficulty of communication between two or more parties..."

Thunderlane's eyes widened. "Are you doing that in pen?!"

"Maybe?"

"So," asked Soarin, "what have you heard? Does anypony actually know what happened?"

Doctor chuckled. "I don't think it'd be quite as interesting if ponies were sure of the details, but if I had to guess, I'd say it went something like this..."

Author's Note

Key difference between Daisy and Moondancer: Daisy just likes to talk about these things, more interested in the pairings than what they may or may not do together, let alone being involved herself.

Help Doctor with his crossword Puzzle!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Chapter 3: Scandal!

Shame! Shame and scandal!

It was a travesty, a tragedy, a stain upon society itself! Most of all for the two involved as they stood facing each other, disheveled, sweating, and exhausted from their mutual exertions upon the other. They couldn't bear to make eye contact, but the awareness of each other's presence was as strong as it was painful, akin to the lingering ache in their muscles.

Rarity spoke first in a mortified whisper. "I... I am so sorry."

Blueblood, just as disgraced, shook his head ruefully. "No, no, it was my idea. Fools that we both are to have engaged in something so uncivilized, it was I who failed to dispel it from my mind the instant it appeared."

"But I went along with it like a rebellious foal! I was just so upset with you, I, I simply lost myself." She draped a hoof over her eyes in shame. "I can't even recall the basis of our disagreement that so spiraled out of control!"

He sighed. "Nor can I, Miss Rarity, nor can I."

They stood in silence, still unable to look up from the floor that bore witness to their indecency.

"What will I tell my parents," Rarity all but whimpered, "how will I ever explain to my family that I could sink so low?"

Prince smiled humorlessly. "Try explaining it to Princess Celestia herself that her nephew could willingly debase himself with such... barbarism."

Rarity let out something between a sob and a laugh. Then, she looked at him, eyes wide. "What... what if we didn't have to?"

He dared look back. "I, what?"

She smiled, slowly, hesitantly, and wider by the second. "Y-yes! We, we could make something up, fabricate events to something more... socially acceptable!"

"Lie?!"

"Could it possibly be worse than what we've already engaged in?"

"You make your point vividly, Miss Rarity."

She nodded a little, still grinning. "Perhaps, perhaps if," her cheeks tinted red, "f-forgive me for being so crass, given the circumstances, but perhaps we could say we just-"

He cut her off, nodding as well. "Yes, I know what you mean to say, and I agree. Anything would be less shameful than the truth."

Rarity smiled brightly. "So it's settled! We'll pretend we were lovers for less than a day, had a heated falling out, and never speak of this again!"

Blueblood grinned too. "Yes! Nopony ever need know that the two of us would reduce ourselves to hoof-wrestling like savages!"

Doctor's story was brought to a screeching halt by three good-natured, but still slightly annoyed hooves upside the head.

Doctor rubbed his slightly sore noggin. "Ow. What? Not enough kissing in the rain?"

Thunderlane shook his head, cursing himself for thinking it wouldn't be something stupid. Funny, maybe, but stupid.

Soarin tilted his head. "What's so shameful about hoof-wrestling?"

Doctor chuckled. "Oh, nothing, but for a proper lady and a dapper gentlecolt like those two? It probably wouldn't do their reputations any favors."

"You really think it would be that bad?"

"If Prince lost to a mare and Rarity proved she was 'unladylike' enough to win?"

"Ah."

Bic Macintosh took a slow look around. "Weren't we lookin' fer Blue an Shinin'?"

Soarin, Doctor, and Thunderlane replied in unison. "Oh, right!"

“They’re probably home by now,” suggested Doctor, “so we should find them there.”

"So what you're saying," Blueblood summarized, "is that Armor accidentally telling you about the day we came to Ponyville exploded into half the town making up stories while trying to guess at the whole truth?"

Doctor, as ever, smiled. "Actually, I think it's only around forty-three percent of Ponyville at this point, but yes."

The six of them were quiet as they turned to look at Shining, who was already sweating bullets.

Blueblood remained strangely calm. "Still not mad at you." Now it was him that was getting five curious looks. He shrugged. "It's not like he wanted this to happen, and it's not a big deal. Does anypony remember how I actually behaved that day?"

They could have given answers ranging from "drugged-up loony" to "heartless jerk," but it didn't really seem called for.

"Right," he went on, smiling, "so the worst they can come up with probably isn't as bad as the things I actually did, and as everypony except the bi-err, pony in question already forgave me for all that, there's no problem here!"

Kind of seeing his point, Thunderlane, Doctor, Shining, Big Mac, and Soarin nodded.

"Guess all's cool, then."
"Seems that way!"
"That's a relief."
"Eeyup."
"Conflict resolved already? That's an academy record!"

And so, convinced that all was well, the six of them peacefully went on with their lives.

The next day...

Strange. That was the best word for this town sometimes.

Owner of Carousel Boutique, Ponyville's Premiere Fashionista, Gem-Finder Extraordinaire, all of these were things Rarity could call herself without being disingenuous. One thing she could not call herself was an outcast, a pony to be avoided or quickly walked away from, which made today very strange. Honestly, she knew she didn't offend, because there was no chance of a coat, mane, or tail so meticulously groomed as hers putting off unbecoming odors, thank you very much! And yet, when ponies saw her coming, they'd either clear out or clam up.

Something was going on, and as it may have involved her, Rarity deduced that she'd have to briefly wear one of her less flattering labels; 'Gossip.' Noun. ~~Describing her as a verb would be-~~ It didn't matter. She'd only do it long enough to get to the bottom of this, of course! That in mind, she went looking for friends of hers in the hope that whatever had seized the town hadn't yet gotten its hooks into them too. Fluttershy felt like a safe bet, so off she went to the cottage, making the usual mental note to watch out for the filth and grime on the way to her mousiest friend's home.

She tittered to herself. 'Mousiest.' I slay me.

Before even knocking, Rarity heard another pegasus; one she'd met a few times, but never really gotten to know.

"-otally all his fault," accused Rainbow Dash, "you can see it in his stupid face!"

A lady didn't eavesdrop, so perhaps it was fortunate that Fluttershy spotted her through the window. Rarity could practically read her lips as she smiled, said 'One moment, please,' and moved to answer the door.

"Hello, Rarity, what brings you here?"

Rarity smiled in kind. "Good morning, dear, may I come in?"

With a friendly nod, Fluttershy welcomed her into the cottage, where she found the fabulously colorful weathermare sitting on the couch. Truly, that she never did anything special with that mane was a crying shame.

Rainbow greeted her with a half-hearted wave. "Hey, Rarity."

"Hello, Rainbow Dash. Forgive my wandering ears, but I couldn't help overhearing the tail-end of your discussion a moment ago. May I inquire as to what was all whose fault?"

Rainbow glanced at Fluttershy. "Ooh, bet she can clear this right up for us!" Fluttershy shrugged a little, but Rainbow looked back at Rarity with a confident grin. "The thing that went down the day of the Summer Sun Celebration, it was because'a that idiot Shining Armor, right?"

Pure and pristine though Rarity's coat was, it was not truly white. Contrary to popular belief, it was actually a very pale shade of grey, something she'd once often explained to ponies by asking them to make note of her fur and then of the sclera of her eyes. These days, she just let the comment pass. That in mind, it was quite possible for her to grow paler, as she did when she thought that chaos had been entirely due to the nicer of the two relatively new colts in town.

"N-Nightmare Moon's attack, was because of him?!"

Rainbow did a double-take. "What? No, what makes you think tha-" And then she remembered the other thing that also kinda happened that day, drawing a facehoof. "Oh."

"Uhm," Fluttershy meekly interjected, "I-I think what Rainbow means to ask, is, uh... W-well, you and Mr. Blueblood, the-" She involuntarily squeaked at the sudden, cold look Rarity was giving her, though it was immediately replaced with an apologetic one as the fashionista sighed.

"Do forgive me, Darling, but there are things a lady prefers not to discuss."

Fluttershy nodded in her timid, but friendly little way. "I understand."

"But you hate the other guy because of his doofus bodyguard," Rainbow added with an almost hopeful look, "right?"

"Hm?" Pondering what she'd heard about the other Canterlot colt that had taken up residence in the Golden Oaks library, Rarity touched a hoof to her chin in thought. "I... No, I don't think he was involved in any way. We're hardly even acquainted, truth be told."

There was a short silence. Huffing, Rainbow folded her forelegs and scowled. "I bet it was still his fault somehow. That Idiot."

"Anyway," Rarity picked up, "what brought this about, if I may?" And then it came, Fluttershy and Rainbow shared the slightly nervous look she'd seen on everypony else just before they fled. She couldn't even make out Rainbow's hastily-delivered excuse before she sped out of the cottage, leaving her with a lightly-trembling Fluttershy.

Be gentle, Rarity, she'll tell you all about it if you're calm and polite. "Sweetie," she began with a friendly smile, "could you please tell me what's going on?"

For a moment, eye-contact was impossible. "W-w-well, uhm, i-it, k-k-kind of, uh, I-I mean I h-heard th-there was, I-I mean..." Taking a deep breath, she dared look directly at Rarity's face. The face she'd been talking about behind its back. ~~Back of the face? What-~~ More importantly; her friend had a right to know what Rainbow had come to talk to her about. Because it was about her. Kind of. Partly.

Well, actually, it sounded like Rainbow just wanted to complain about Shining Armor again, but still... She tried her best.

"Well, um... h-have you heard what everypony is talking about around town...?"

Rarity later felt the need to apologize to her animal-loving friend when countless birds were sent fleeing into the skies at the sound of a very loud "WHAT?!"

Chapter 4: Position to Assume

"Well, what do you know," came Doctor's rhetorical question, "seventy-four percent are talking about it now!"

"Yes," Prince agreed through gritted teeth, "it did feel distinctly like higher than half the ponies I met were giving me funny looks, thank you."

"Sor-"

"Please stop apologizing!"

The gang again found themselves in Sugarcube Corner two days following the initial discussion that led to where they were now. Most of the town was still making well-reasoned deductions, uncertain speculation, and wild guesses as to what really happened between Blueblood and Rarity. While none were sure of the latter's feelings on this (on account of most fleeing the scene when she approached to ask what everypony was talking about), the former was adamant that he was not angry, was not even a little bit annoyed with Shining Armor, because he had already forgiven him and there were no take-backsies on forgiveness, dammit!

"Y'know," offered Soarin, "you could just tell everypony what really-ow!"

He was silenced with a hoof applied to the back of his head, Blueblood smiling contentedly. He said he wouldn't get angry at Shining, so he wasn't going back on his word here. "No, no I will not, for it is the business of nopony but myself and the trollop in question, and that is how it will remain."

Doctor, as always, smiled. "Maybe so, but that won't stop ponies from talking about it."

"Yea," Thunderlane chimed in, "anything we can do about that? Getting pretty sick of the gossip at the weather office." It was a little hard to tell while doing his best to drown it all out, but it seemed like the only ponies not interested were him and Lightning Dust. Granted, for how vocal she was about her disapproval at everypony ‘incessantly blabbering about it,’ she never left the room when it came up...

"There's nothing we need to do," answered Blueblood, "I was the subject of rumor and speculation all the time in Canterlot, and it always passed within a week."

Soarin scratched his head. "Wasn't that because Canterlot is a big, busy city with at least three dozen celebrities walking around at any given time, any one of them bound to do something that draws attention away from whatever the big scandal of the moment was?"

Things went very, very quiet at that table as Blueblood remained perfectly still, as though petrified without the heavy, stoney, cursey part. He wasn't even blinking. In the ensuing silence, Big Mac nodded his head.

"Eeyup."

Shining whispered. "Sorry."

That snapped Blueblood out of his trance. "Please stop apologizing!"

"Ignoring it may actually still work," offered Doctor, "Ponyville might be a small town, but weird things still happen all the time, right?"

There were nods of agreement as Mrs. Cake brought the group their usual orders. Thunderlane raised an eyebrow.

"I know I'm tempting fate by asking, but Pinkie not around today?"

"Oh, no," answered Mrs. Cake, "it's her day off today."

"Huh," Shining thought aloud, "what do you think she's up to?"

Boing.

Boing.

Boing.

There was a problem.

Boing.

Boing.

Boing.

A serious problem!

Boing.

Boing.

Boing.

And a serious problem called for being... serious!

But she didn't stop pronking. It wasn't just a fun way to move, but sometimes it helped her think! Maybe hopping along from place to place just helped get her brain hopping too, and right now it was hopping for solutions to a serious problem; Pretty Much Everypony Gossiping About Two Of Her Friends And How To Make Them Quit Doing That Because It Sounded Like A Really Personal Matter And Sooner Or Later There Were Gonna Be Hurt Feelings!

And so, Pinkie ~~merrily~~ seriously pronked through town with a very serious look on her face. Some ponies were looking at her like she was wearing a mini party-cannon on her head again, but they weren't spreading gossip, which was good! She approached Lyra, who'd been sitting in her usual way on a bench.

"Hi, Lyr-err..." If she sounded all cheerful, ponies would smile, and while she loved, loved, loved making ponies smile, smiles might make them think she was just joking about this, and if they thought it was a joke, they might not take her seriously when she asked about Bluey and Rarity, and then they might joke about those two and then feelings might get seriously hurt! She cleared her throat. "Hello, Lyra," she said in a serious, just-slightly-gravelly voice, like a detective in one of those noir movies, "you heard anything about Prince Blueblood and Rarity lately?"

Lyra, just slightly perturbed as she wondered if Pinkie had been eating at her sisters' place recently, raised an eyebrow. "Uh, no? Why do y-"

"Are ya sure," she asked, one eyebrow raised REALLY high as she leaned in REALLY close, "you haven't heard anything about the day Shiny and Bluie came to town, how one of 'em talked to Rarity and something really bad happened between those two and now they won't talk to each other at all and the whole town knows and they're all wondering what the hay is going on?"

Lyra blinked very slowly. "Not... really...? And, why do you sound like you've been eating rocks?" Her eyes widened. "Did you eat Darwin?!"

Pinkie didn't respond to the question. "Okie-dokie-lokie," she said just as seriously while turning away, "juuuuust checkin'." And then she pronked away, wondering why anypony would eat a rock. Rock candy or the gruel baked so hard that it was almost a rock back home, but not real rocky-rock-rocks. She'd heard of Maud doing that, sure, but most ponies weren't Maud, so they'd probably have a really hard time eating rocks.

Ooh, if they were Maud, though, it would mean that Pinkie had sisters everywhere! That would be neat, but then she might have trouble telling everyMaudy apart and she wouldn't know whether to throw tons of birthday parties or one really, really big one and Hearths Warmings would get super-crowded and if one of the Mauds found a special somepony, would that make them all of the Mauds' special somepony too? Because if it didn't, things would get SUPER confusing and then they might quarrel and the special somepony might argue with Maud for an hour and a half only to learn that it was the wrong Maud and then they'd have to start all over, but with an extra Maud already being argued with and then that Maud might be annoyed and want to quarrel too and the relationship would fall apart and Maud(s) might never get married!

Maybe it was better if she only had one Maud, but Pinkie still loved her just the same! And that was why she had to help Bluie and Rarity patch things up when all this gossip stuff was all sorted out.

Back on the bench, Lyra sat very, very still as she pondered the fate of her pet rock. She hadn't brought him with her today, both because sometimes it made her feel weird and because he'd been placed in the naughty corner for saying some very hurtful things again, but she didn't want him eaten! Of course, it was possible Pinkie ate some other rock in some new baking experiment, so-

"Lyra? You okay?"

The teal unicorn's head whipped to face her marefriend/room mate, seeing Darwin hanging from the little chain around her neck. "Darwin!" she cried with glee, "You're alive!"

Bon-Bon blinked twice. "...Y-yes, yes he... is...? And, I'm okay too, thanks for asking."

Realizing that she had just prioritized a rock over the love of her life, Lyra grew very red and very sheepish. "Haha, sorry, nice to see you too." Bon-Bon smiled a little in an affectionately haughty 'that's better!' kind of way, which still tickled Lyra's inner heartstrings.

Note to self: Never say that out loud.

Instead, she cleared her throat. "So, you hear about Rarity and Blueblood...?"

Dismay! Horror! Calamity!

Of all the things that could possibly happen to her, this was, without a doubt, the worst!

Possible!

Thing!!

And she really meant it this time!

Lying on her fainting couch with a depleted tub of ice cream on the floor (it had been half-empty when she started), Rarity let out a long-suffering sigh. She had spent what free time she could afford yesterday trying to clear everything up after Fluttershy told her the news, but it was all for naught! Whenever she'd tried to tell anypony she could that nothing happened between her and that uncouth animal of a stallion, everypony continued to make themselves scarce on her approach! She'd even tried talking to salesponies that couldn't very well flee their shops to get away from her, but all of them had streamlined her attempts at conversation into business-talk and nothing more.

And so, here she was; lying in her room with the Boutique closed for the day while she had a good, cleansing sulk, though she did so without tears. It wasn't out of a lack of emotional anguish or some silly aversion to expressing sorrow, just a fear that if anypony discovered her in such a state, they may come to the conclusion that she was crying over him.

Unacceptable!

Another such thought occurred to her, making her sit up, eyes wide with alarm.

"What if... what if these rumors reach Canterlot? I'll never make a name for myself in the most-" she paused to straighten up her appearance with a few quick spells and a telekinetically-adjusted mirror, brushing a hoof through her mane when finished, "glamorous city in Equestria if everypony associates me with, with...!"

...What were they saying about her now? Fluttershy had only heard the gist of what was going around town, so Rarity couldn't say specifically how bad the situation really was. Well, that would hardly do! She wanted to know exactly how devastated she was meant to be in this situation, not letting anypony say she was 'just overreacting' again. Implying that Rarity overreacted to things. Imagine!

She got to her hooves, briefly going through her wardrobe to select just the right attire for her impending excursion. Ponies wouldn't speak to her face-to-face and a full-fledged disguise could lead to her looking very silly (though still quite stylish!) if somepony recognized her anyway. Pinkie Pie was a good filly, but she had no sense for when somepony would prefer to remain unnoticed. That in mind, she opted to dress inconspicuously and wander the town alone, see what she could pick up.

"And from there," she muttered to herself while donning a lovely sun-hat and some tasteful, wide-rimmed sunglasses, "I'll decide whether there's anything to be done or if it's time to break out the big spoon and a tub of Industrial Chocolate."

She headed out the door, opting to first move in the direction of... Perhaps Blossomforth could help her? They were old friends, Rarity was often there to console her when her relationship with Mr. Thunderlane hit a bump (the most recent appeared to be permanent), and it was Blossomforth that first convinced her of the benefits a tub of frosted sweets could have on a mare's mood. She began her sojourn to the weather office, hopeful that the entire weather team wouldn't spontaneously decide on shifts well above shouting range.

One hoof raised to knock, Rarity was startled by a sudden exclamation from within the weather office.

"BAM!! Right in the freakin' face!"

Tilting her head, she found one window to be open nearby. The label of 'snoop' was another Rarity wasn't thrilled to wear, but if pegasi stopped keeping windows open for a quick exit all the time, ponies might stop hearing their conversations from outdoors. She tread closer, hearing more voices she recognized.

"And when she laid out his guard for being so damn stupid," continued Rainbow, "Blueblood went in to file a complaint with his Inspector Guy powers, but she distracted him by saying his neck-thingie was out of style or something and they got into a big argument that made him forget about checking on stuff for the Summer Sun Celebration in the first place!" Crossing her forelegs, she nodded affirmatively. "When you think about it, Rarity kinda saved the celebration if not for Nightmare Moon showin' up."

Raindrops shook her head. "You really think Rarity would just deck a guy for ticking her off?"

Thank you, Raindrops, she thought from outside.

"I'unno," came Rainbow's reply, "but it'd explain what happened."

Cloud Kicker chuckled. "I'll stick to my own theory for now."

Turning to the academy drop-out, Raindrops raised a curious brow. "Your theory?"

Rainbow facehoofed. "Don't, it's stupid."

Suddenly, Raindrops wore a grin. "Tell me!"

She and Cloud Kicker ignored a groan from their boss as the latter cleared her throat.

Garbed head to hoof in tight, black latex, Rarity nearly dropped the whip in surprise when Blueblood opened the door, his shocked expression winning a tiny smirk from her.

"Err," he stammered, "I-I seem to have entered the wrong-"

She sharply cut him off. "Good little colts will knock before they enter a lady's chambers. You did not knock, did you?"

"I-" A sharp crack of the whip near the tip of his horn startled him into silence.

"You were not given permission to speak," she tutted, with a slow shake of her head. "Bursting in here like an untamed beast, shooting your mouth off without permission? You," she said while pacing closer, "are a bad colt." Her eyes narrowed as her smile widened. "Get in the cage, I have-"

OW!

Cloud Kicker gingerly rubbed the back of her head, staring in confusion at the tome of regulations and protocols that now lay by her hooves. She and Raindrops both looked at Rainbow, whose eyes widened. She raised a hoof defensively.

"W-woah, hey, not me this time!"

As the trio of confused pegasi glanced around the room, Rarity silently congratulated herself on her skillful, stealthy use of telekinesis. She was pretty sure she hadn't been noticed, her hat likely hiding the glow from her horn even if anypony saw her standing here. Fashionable and functional!

"So, anyway," Cloud Kicker picked up, "she tells him to get into the cage and-"

Raindrops held up a hoof, her face a slightly pink, deadpan stare. "Rarity as a dominatrix, I get the picture."

"Aww."

Rainbow would have been more smug (more than usual) about Cloud Kicker deflating, but it only lasted two seconds. Instead, she turned to Raindrops. "So, I don't think I've heard any theories outta you, got any guesses?"

"Not really. Why do you guys even care?"

"Because," Cloud answered with a smile, "both of 'em are hot, fancy, Canterlot types, so it's easy for normal ponies-" Nopony heard an indignant scoff from outside. -"to get wrapped up talking about them."

"And more importantly," added Rainbow, "to solve a great mystery!" It wasn't exactly Daring Do and the Mysterious Midnight Mangler, but it was something. "So c'mon, anything?"

Touching a hoof to her chin, Raindrops hummed thoughtfully. "Well, Blueblood and Rarity both seem like pretty decent ponies, so...?" She shrugged. "Maybe they just didn't get along? Some ponies just don't like each other, y'know?"

There was a silence as her fellow weathermares stared at her in almost pitying fashion. Rainbow was the first to say it, completely deadpan.

"That is such a normal thing to say."

Raindrops scowled. "Stop saying that like it's a bad thing!!"

Outside the weather office, Rarity turned to walk away.

Sheer personal incompatibility, Raindrops? I'll take it over latex and whips, thank you, but no, I'm afraid there was much more to it than that...

Author's Note

I had to look up 'fancy icecream' to find something Rarity might feasibly stuff herself with during one of her drama binges. Industrial Chocolate is apparently chocolate mixed with chocolate, blended with chocolate and melted together with chocolate. It's like forged-in-the-fires-of-Mordor chocolate.

Because she might never meet Twilight in this universe, I like to think Rainbow could get into Daring Do on her own this time. When? No idea. Maybe some silly bodyguard gave her a present once, something he picked up while thinking about what his perfect little sister would do? :trollestia:

Chapter 6: Falling Right Out of the Sky

Wind howled and explosions rattled as the runaway airship, the E.S. Collateral Damage, roared out of control through the skies. On its bow stood Blueblood in a white tuxedo, faintly marred by smoke and a few burns as he looked down at Rarity, whose black, shiny catsuit was similarly damaged, in addition to a few rips in places that might make concerned parents raise an eyebrow.

"So," spat Rarity as she glared at her former partner, "this is how it ends, after all we've been through?! After all the criminals we've stopped together?!"

Blueblood shrugged. "Nothing personal, my dear, but the agency and I just don't see eye-to-eye anymore. We've been in the Special Operative Unicorn Patrol together for years, but now?" He levitated the stolen intel from his jacket pocket, smirking as he floated it where Rarity could see. "Let's just say I got a better offer."

Rarity's eyes widened as she writhed in almost provocative poses on the floor of the airship. Because of her injuries, of course. "It was you! You sabotaged the operation! You rigged the ship to explode, starting with the least vital components and working its way up to ensure that the ship as a whole actually remains quite stable until it crashes into something in climactic and suspenseful fashion! You betrayed S.O.U.P. to work for those fiends at S.A.L.A.D. instead!"

He threw his head back in a manner that would make his mane billow around his handsome face, a move that was most certainly not just going to be used to sell more posters to fangirls, and laughed evilly. "Yes, and it is I who will now escape this burning, insurvivable-and-about-to-crash airship in this jetpack!"

He then activated a jetpack that burst out of his tuxedo-jacket, taking off into the skies as Rarity cursed the betrayer's name by dramatically shouting it to the heavens.

Agent Rarity would recover from the crash, but she was unable to return to service and had to retire early, running a fashion boutique as a cover for doing agency deskwork during the day. Years of working for Celestia's secret service left her rich enough to not need to worry about making any actual money with her shop, but she never forgot, nor forgave, the stallion that ended the most successful partnership in the history of S.O.U.P.!

Snips and Snails concluded their tale in unison. "And that's how it happened."

"No," deadpanned Rumble, who remembered what he'd told Dinky, but just couldn't stop himself, "no to all of that. They are not secret agents, Rarity was not maimed in an explosion that she somehow survived, Blueblood would not live in the same town as her if he'd betrayed her and left her for dead, and what you just described was the exact plot of the newest spy flick they're running in the cinema." He paused, brushing a hoof against his chin. "Though, I guess Blueblood and Rarity do look a lot like the actors that play Patrician and Scarcity, respectively."

There may have been further discussion of this exercise in plagiarism, but recess came to an end with the ringing of the school bell.

"Back inside, everypony," called Cheerilee, standing by the door. In addition to the usual plaintive noises made by foals that had to go to class, she determined the sounds coming from the basement to mean Pinkie Pie was down there again. Giving somepony free reign of the presses was nothing to take lightly, but neither was saying 'no' to that face. That Cheerilee was occasionally thanked with gifts of free pastry didn't hurt, either.

Well, other than my B.M.I., but it's not like I have a stallion in my life anyway, right?

...Did that actually make it better, or worse? She did a pretty good job of staying in shape, but-

"Um, Miss Cheerilee? You're doing that grown-up staring into space thing again."

Snapping to attention, she refrained from looking Sweetie Belle in the eye. "Yes, yes I am, thank you."

"No problem, my sister was doing that this morning!"

Down in the basement, Pinkie had just finished up the flyers, which she carried in a stack on her back. Pinkie was no slow-poke, but she knew there were faster ways of passing things out to a whole town than going around and giving one to everypony one by one. She'd gotten a lot of mass-invitations sent out by asking a pegasus for help before, so off to the weather office she went!

Huh, thought Pinkie when she arrived to a quiet office, where is everypony?

She glanced around in search of any of her usual flying friends that helped her pass things out, but only saw one pony dozily slouching on a desk with a pile of neatly-stacked papers on it, not even noticing that Pinkie had come in. She beamed.

"Hi!"

Lightning Dust jumped with a start, but managed to restrain her reaction enough to not flap her wings and send the forms she'd filled out all over the office. She looked up at the party pony with a knack for catching her off-guard, most of all with that surprise Sorry It Took So Long To Throw You This Welcome Party party last week. "Pinkie Pie," she muttered, "you need something?"

"Yes, actually! I've been trying to get everypony to forget all about the thing that happened between Bluie and Rarity a long time ago, but it's been super-super hard! That's why I came up with-" she hopped her hind legs to flip the flyers from her back to the desk in a perfect arc like a stack of cards, "-these to help! Do you think you could spread these around town for me, please? I usually ask Raindrops or Rainbow because they have 'Rain' right there in their names, but I really just need somepony with wings to fly the flyers around. I'd do it, but I don't have wings, but wouldn't it be a surprise if I did?" She giggle-snorted. "Ooh, you know what else is a surprise? Flies! Flies fly in the skies when fliers fly flyers through the air, so if you flew with your mouth open, you might catch a few and be a fly-ing flier flying flyers!"

It was for the best that all Lightning really heard was what she'd been hearing for the last couple days; 'BluieBlueblood and Rarity.'

She didn't care about their little spat, and she didn't care what happened between them. Not one tiny bit. That was actually why she was alone in the office now; everypony else had been standing around gossiping like housewives when she arrived, and since she was the only one not interested in all that, she somehow got fast-talked into doing the day's paperwork while the rest took shifts working the clouds together.

It's all your fault, Thunderlane! Somehow!

With how often she ended up helping him around here, it really might have been his fault. She wasn't even supposed to be an office pony, and more annoying was the fact that she'd finished up so soon, leaving her to sit in the office. Bored. This was the only reason she looked at Pinkie's flyers. "And, you want me to... what?"

"Scatter 'em around Ponyville, silly, just like with the big race a while ago! I know you'd be good at it because you did a super-good job in the race even with all the rain and lightning and CRACK-BOOOM!! and the part where you and Dashie actually stopped to look for Thunderlane, which kind of messed up the whole 'race' thing, but it was still really fun to watch!"

"Um. Why?"

"Because it was tense and exciting and served as a great piece in the narrative for a turning point in a stallion's life, along with friends old and new!"

"No, I meant the-" Blink. "Wait, what?"

"Scatter 'em around Ponyville, silly, just like with the big-"

Lightning's eye twitched. "No, dammit, w-why, I'm going back to 'why' in regard to spreading the flyers around town!"

"Because it'll help get everypony to forget all about the events of another piece in the narrative for a turning point in another stallion's life, along with friends old and new!"

The two held each others' gazes, Pinkie doing so with a big, bright, oblivious smile. Lightning Dust started to sweat, because she couldn't tell if Pinkie was talking in circles, genuinely unhinged, or just messing with her, or even being completely sincere! She was disappointed at herself for wishing she'd been talking to Cloud Kicker, who was so much easier to read. Speaking of reading, she used the flyers as an excuse to break the stare. Looking them over, she wasn't sure how much they would help.

"Uhh... You sure you want to spread these all over town? I mean, I guess it might work if-"

"Great," chirped Pinkie as she turned toward the door, "thanks so much for the help, Dusty! I just knew I could count on you, gotta go now, seeya later, byeeeee!"

Rather than calling out to clear up that she hadn't necessarily agreed and thought changes to the flyers might be in order, Lightning reacted out of habit. Accursed, drilled-into-her-head habit.

"Don't call me that!!"

Pinkie was gone. The office was quiet again, and now Lightning Dust was left with the stack of flyers and the awareness that Pinkie was expecting her to scatter them through town for her, exactly as they were. It was an easy thing to fix, she figured, just cross out the bottom line (on each and every sheet...) and it might actually work, or at least take a lot of ponies' minds off the big topic of the moment. Maybe.

Of course, altering the flyers would kind of be going behind Pinkie's back, wouldn't it? Lightning Doesn't Need A Stupid Middle Nickname Dust feared very few ponies, but Pinkie Pie? She was unsettling. It was her that organized the big race, sponsored by registered charity organizations with representatives and merchant stalls and everything, what, overnight? How would she feel if Lightning made changes to her plan without telling her? If nothing else, Pinkie had to be some kind of smart to pull off the kind of networking she did, so maybe it would actually work just as she set it?

That was the goal here, right? End the rumors, which Lightning did not care about at all, just by tossing some flyers around town like she was asked? And, if the effort were to not work anyway, it'd be no fault of hers, she'd have no risk of Pinkie being angry with her, and the rumors would probably just keep up for a while, then burn up on their own time, right?

She picked up the flyers.

Going over highlighted sections of a Magical Theory textbook, Prince noticed his friend and bodyguard out of the corner of his eye; staring out the window with a little smile on his face. He got up to look through the same window.

"...Why is it raining paper?"

Shining chuckled. "I have no idea, but it reminds me of the first time my little sister drank coffee at the library. Did I ever tell you that sto-" He glanced over his shoulder to find that, much like Fire Strike, Blueblood had not been interested in tales of Twilight as he walked outside to look at one of the papers.

Hear ye, hear ye!

I've always wanted to say that!

Anyway, some months ago, we in our humble town of Ponyville got a visit from Princess Celestia herself on the day of the Summer Sun Celebration. How neat is that?!

A lot of stuff happened that day, and some of it was really super interesting! Worth talking about, even!

First, the Apple Family had one of their Apple Family Reunions right over at Sweet Apple Acres! There were Apples, apples, and Apples eating apples! But no apples eating Apples or Apples eating Apples, though I'm kinda wondering about apples eating apples if they're baked into the same pie. You could talk about that for HOURS!

Next, the Wonderbolts dropped by! They're pretty cool, right? One of them even got turned to stone, but more on that later!

Then, our very own Rainbow Dash cleared the sky in one sixth of a minute! That's a really short time, so if you weren't looking at the sky when it happened, it might be like one of those trippy before-after pictures at a circus where you're not sure if what you're looking at now is the same as what it was just a second ago but you could swear something's different now that you're all focused on it, but you just can't be sure because you weren't really paying attention until it changed so the details are fuzzy in your brain and trying to remember just makes it blurrier and blurrier AND THEN THE CLOWN WITH THE CHAINSAW POPS UP BEHIND YOU!!

It's way cool!

Then there was the scary part with Nightmare Moon turning ponies to stone and going all "Hahahahahahaha, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA" like turning ponies to stone was a really funny joke or something! Meanie. But that totally happened! Right here in our own town!

Speaking of Ponyville, this is the town where Annual Pie Day originated! It hasn't been a year since then yet, but it'll totally be a thing! Every year! Forever!

FOR-EV-URRRR...!

And we got a Love Guru who used to be a Wonderbolt, which is totally interesting!

And hey, remember that big race a while ago, where Thunderlane turned all thundery, but Lightning Dust didn't go all lightningy? I guess that kinda could have worked the same way backwards, but not like with their names, because Thunderlane turning into a lane and Lightning Dust turning into dust would be really weird and really morbid, respectively, super dark for a foals' charity event! Rainbow Dash was rainbowy, but she doesn't really dash all that much, because she usually just flies places! Good thing she didn't turn into a dash, because then she'd be disappear the second she stopped, or worse, be used as punctuation!

That's WAY more interesting than something happening between Prince Blueblood and Rarity Belle, right?!

Blueblood facehoofed.

Chapter 7: The Pilot Is Supposed To Be Shining Armor

Humming a cheery tune as she closed the door, Sweetie Belle trotted in the direction of her room, pausing to see her sister staring off into space, exactly where she'd been standing that morning. This drew a concerned frown and a raised eyebrow. "Sis? Have you been doing that since I left?" She had to poke her a few times to get an answer.

"No, Sweetie," she replied while glancing at the flyer she'd finally managed to put down on a nearby table, "this is a completely separate grown-up space-staring session."

Sweetie Belle smiled. "Oh, okay then. I'm gonna go clean the big spoons and bowls, see you later!"

Rarity managed a little smile. "That, that would be appreciated, Sweetie, thank you." She didn't tell her little sister why she was staring into space, and counted herself lucky that it hadn't been asked, because the culprit this time had quite possibly been Ponyville's favorite pony, and such a sentiment heard from an innocent foal may have started entirely new rumors to plague her. It was really more a matter of disappointment anyway, of having her heart steadily rise as she read what was undeniably Pinkie's hoofiwork, then crash into the ground again when she read the last line.

So close. So close, Pinkie Pie, but no cigar.

Well, it might not have worked anyway, but there was no hope at all now. Rarity needed to do something, but what? All her usual avenues (bar crying) were exhausted and the only way she knew to truly stop the rumors was to answer the question; to tell them what really transpired between her and him, and there were things a lady preferred to keep to herself!

Somepony may have guessed it by now, but not on my life will I grant him the victory of confirming it if they-...

"Wait..."

Something was wrong here. There were precisely two ponies in the wide, wide world of Equestria that knew what took place between them that day, and both lived here. In Ponyville. Where the rumors about that very incident now engulfed the town. Why had Blueblood not stepped forward to brag about his little game? Why had Rarity not actually heard anypony talking along the lines of what happened? Did he just want her to stew longer, or did it not end exactly as he'd hoped? She might not have wanted the truth to go public, but why would he restrain himself? Her eyes narrowed.

"That scoundrel is up to something," she muttered as she picked out another fashionable hat and matching spectacles, "and it's time I found out what."

It was time to go find Blueblood.

"Alright," announced Blueblood to the rest as he closed the library door, "from the marketplace to Sweet Apple Acres, the scrying stares and intrusive questions alone tell me that this thing isn't going away on its own any time soon. Any ideas?"

Thunderlane shrugged. "Why not just make something up? True or not, anything heard from the source is bound to pour a lotta sand on the wick, right?"

"Egad," gasped Doctor, who remained smiling through his delivery, "our own Element of Honesty promotes the spread of lies?!"

Thunderlane rolled his eyes. "Yeah, because getting a magical gem means I'm forbidden to so much as crack a joke that strays away from the truth, Shining can't ever make new friends because he has to stay loyal to us, Soarin now has to wear a clown suit to keep everypony around him smiling all the time, Big Mac has to-"

"Okay, sheesh, we get it!"

"That said, I'm not very good at it, so I'm leaving this to you."

Blueblood stroked his chin in thought. "Actually, that might not be a bad idea."

Shining blinked twice. "Come again?"

"He has a point; either they'll accept what I tell them and it'll simmer down with that, or they'll build on the new story for a while before they run out of steam for it, having little reason to keep speculating. However, there is one problem."

Doctor left no room for suspense. "Rarity not liking your story, coming out with her own, and confusing matters further?"

"Correct, and since it would seem that she had the same idea of hoping this would blow over, she may be just as content to let the embers burn out as well. We'll have to come up with something she won't take offense to, so does anypony here know her well enough to help with that?"

Soarin tilted his head. "This was back when you were a total jerk, right? Couldn't you just say you were harassing her or something? Bet she'd go along with that in a heartbeat."

Big Mac frowned. "Ah don' know if Ah like the implication that it's always gotta be the buck's fault. Plus, if Blue were the only one that did wrong, him holdin' a grudge all this time too wouldn't make a whole lotta sense."

"True," added Thunderlane, "but I know from experience that saying everything is your fault is a great way to calm a mare down."

"Weren't that part of an extremely unhealthy relationship?"

"Well, yea, but Blue isn't actually hoping to mend fences with her, right?" There was an uncertain pause. "Anyway, if none of us know Rarity, we could probably get an idea of her personality through her friends. I mean, unless she's willing to work with us on this." And another one. He shrugged. "It'd at least be worth a try if someone other than Blue were to talk to her, y'know?"

Blueblood nodded. "Keep an eye out for her, I suppose, but I'll be headed to Mayor Mare's office. As it happens," he said with a faint, but smug smirk, "the situation here in town gives me the perfect alibi with which to ask about why she picked Rarity for the decorations in the first place, traits of her character, that sort of thing."

"Alright," summed up Shining, "so... split up, see what we can learn, meet back here later?"

There were nods and murmurs of assent before the group set out, ready to begin phase 1 of the plan.

Pronking more happily than she had all day, Pinkie made her merry way to the school building with a cake on her back. She really liked the time of day when school ended, because that was when the foals were happy, the teachers were happy, everyone went home to spend time with family and friends, and it was like a big, smiley chain-reaction! To make matters better, Pinkie was bringing Cheerilee a cake, both to celebrate the end of the rumors and as part of the on-going thank-you for letting her use the presses without supervision! And then she heard it.

"My, goodness, I wouldn't think Rarity would do a thing like that!"

Pinkie stopped just outside the door. She recognized that voice as Golden Harvest, one of the ponies that sometimes came to hang out with Cheerilee while she graded the day's papers. Her heart was sinking even before the other regular, Lilac Links, spoke up.

"If it were a wealthy, unmarried Canterlot unicorn? I wouldn't put it past her. Or me!"

Cheerilee chuckled even as she scratched lines on the next paper in red pen. "You're awful, but I really don't think Rarity would do that."

"Oh, definitely not," added Golden, "even she doesn't have that many pillows!"

There was a pause, with only the sounds of pen on paper to be heard.

Lilac raised an eyebrow. "Still 'staying on the sidelines,' Cheers?"

"I told you, I have no idea what went on between those two, and I couldn't even make an educated guess!" Though she was informed enough to know that there could be consequences somewhere down the line if either party heard that she'd joined in the gossip-fest about them, but that kind of went without saying, didn't it? If anything, she was surprised that that didn't bother the rest of Ponyville.

"What about just a wild guess? I mean, if they're never gonna tell anypony, we might as well have some fun makin' stuff up, right? C'mon, something totally out there, just for fun!"

Golden smiled. "I've been pretty curious about what you'd come up with too!"

Cheerilee chewed the tip of her pen for a second. "Wellll..." If it was understood that she was just speculating a completely nonsensical scenario, that she DID NOT mean to say that it or anything like it had actually happened, that wasn't quite the same thing, right? Even if they heard, Rarity and Blueblood would forgive her for that, right? "I might have had this weird daydream after watching too many old movies..."

More theme music!
[youtube=cOFcWGN55R8]
Imagining the scene in monochrome is not required, but advised.

The door to city hall scraped open, scratching more lines on an already tired, over-used floor. The stallion responsible shuffled in, not giving the worn ground on which he tread a second glance. Floors were floors, didn't matter how they looked at the end of the day, same as his battered trenchcoat and tattered trilby, which did little to keep his messy mane out of his face. He brushed it aside with a hoof, dragging it down the side of his snout to brush against his five-o-clock shadow.

He didn't know why he'd even come in here, but looking around, he saw the decorations, the ribbons, the curtains, all signs that somepony still cared. He saw that somepony; also wearing a trenchcoat and trilby, on the other side of the room, busying herself with the effort of sprucing up the place for later. He didn't bother introducing himself.

"It's all for nothing, you know," he grumbled, his voice low and gravelly like an avalanche of pebbles, "and not just for the usual bleak apathy of the universe."

The mare did little more than look over her shoulder at him, which revealed her own five-o-clock shadow and a dull luster in her eyes that spoke of countless hours spent toiling, toiling for nothing, and still burned with the dim embers of a will to keep going.

"Maybe," she grumbled back, "what's it to you, stranger?"

"Been busy, and the lead I've been following tells me none of this is gonna matter when the sun goes down."

The mare nodded slowly, as though her head were weighed down with a lifetime of disappointments. And toil. "I know that. Don't ask me how, but I know that. I feel it in my bones. Think everypony does, really, but we all carry on regardless, just like we always have. Is it all in vain? Is it all just rainwater trickling down an old gutter? Perhaps, but that's life; not the trials or the triumphs, but the struggles they drag us through, and all the grime and broken glass are just the souvenirs we pick up through the gift shop of that tortured tourist-trap, whether we want them or not."

The stallion grabbed her in his hooves to whirl her around and hold her face close to his. "Dammit, you crazy broad, can't you see you're throwing away what little life you've got?! If you just stick through this, you'll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon!"

And then the helicopter crashed through the window, laying to waste all of the mare's efforts as it quickly came to a perfect landing in the center of the room. The stallion at the cockpit, a white, blue-maned unicorn, took a puff on his cigar as he waggled his thick, bushy eyebrows and moustache, looking at the two through large spectacles. "Well, fancy meetin' you here!"

The pair hadn't moved a muscle as the stallion gazed into the mare's eyes. "Come with me, leave all of this behind and live whatever you've got left with the peace of mind that at least this time, it was your own call!"

In the cacophony of helicopter blades and the thrashing of their coats and manes in the gusts they kicked up, she uttered her reply in a tearful whisper.

"I can't..."

They held one another a moment longer, but the stallion knew he had to go, gently releasing the mare to fall to the floor and walking away. She laid there even as the helicopter took off, motionless and staring at the remains of the ceiling as a pool of red liquid slowly spread over the floor by her side.

Cheerilee looked back at her gaping friends with a raised eyebrow. "...What?"

Lilac's eye twitched. "Did... d-did he murder her?!"

"What? No, no, she spilled red dye." More staring. "It was in her coat! He caught her in the middle of decorating, so I figure she'd just have pocketed it before they started talking. Things don't just appear out of nowh-HOW LONG HAS THIS CAKE BEEN HERE?!"

The three of them now stared at a cake sitting on Cheerilee's desk, with 'Thanks for letting me use the presses!' written on it in icing. Connecting the dots, they looked at each other and asked in unison.

"When did Pinkie come in?"

Having a bibliophile for a little sister came with certain responsibilities. Well, kind of. That was the reason Shining wanted to think he'd stayed to watch the library while the others went out to get an idea of Rarity's personality, something he himself probably wouldn't be much help in.

"Hey," he muttered aloud to a hypothetical friend of Rarity's in the otherwise empty library, "don't mind that I'm a friend of someone she absolutely hates, what can you tell me about Rarity?"

The others were probably finding better ways to phrase it, but that required a certain measure of dishonesty. Shining Armor was not an accomplished liar, something Twilight's friends had pointed out a few times before.

Where did Sunset learn to do it so well?

Not that he wanted such an unsavory skill himself, but a brother worried about what might rub off on his LSBFF. He shook his head. Twily was a good filly, that was why she liked books as much as she did; learning for its own sake, freedom of information for all! A filly like that would be upset if her local library wasn't open when it should be, and Shining didn't want to discourage the Twilight Sparkles of the world. Or of Ponyville. Really just that second one, as the rest of the libraries were beyond his power.

And so he sat by the front desk of Golden Oaks Library, studying a spell tome while waiting for the others to get back. To his surprise, the bell over the door rang only about twenty minutes after everyone had left.

"Back alrea-" Looking up, he did not see any of his friends, he saw a pony that made his blood run very, very cold as she calmly approached the desk. Even in her tasteful hat and sunglasses.

"Good day," Rarity began cordially, though without a smile, "might Prince Blueblood be available? I wish to speak with him." The way he stared back at her did few favors for her nerves, but she got the distinct impression that her own gaze was considerably more unsettling for him. She knew who he was, and that he was the one responsible for the situation in town now, but he wasn't the one she wanted to talk to right now. "...Well?"

"WELL," Shining unintentionally shouted back, startling the mare in front of him, "A SHAFT SUNK INTO THE GROUND TO OBTAIN WATER, OIL, OR GAS!!"

Rarity blinked very slowly, weighing the pros and cons of backing out of the building. "Y-yes, I suppose that... that..." She cleared her throat. "Is Blueblood here?"

Eyes wide and pupils shrunk to pinpricks, Shining stared back Rarity, who had very good reason to be annoyed with him. Sweat trickled down his face as he tried to decide what to do first; apologize for the whole thing, explain that he was the only one here for now, ask if she was interested in checking out a book, or blurting out all three at once and escaping through the wind-

Rarity sighed. "Alright. Look. While I may be annoyed... frustrated... irritated... humiliated... and otherwise very displeased about the entire town gossiping about me, I am not considerably upset with you in particular. Alright?" She got a cautious nod back, which drew a hopeful smile. "Splendid. Now, would you please bring him out here?"

"He's not here."

"WHAT?!" Distantly, Rarity chided herself for using an outdoor voice in a library.

What little composure Shining had managed to regain a moment ago was rapidly slipping away, along with his breath. "HEACTUALLYWENTTOCITYHALLIFYOUHURRYHEMIGHTSTILLBETHERE!" In the silence that followed as Rarity worked out what he'd blurted at her, Shining internally screamed.

I just told her where he is! And I don't know if that's good or bad right now!!

"City hall," Rarity said to herself, "of course he'd go there." That was where this began, wasn't it? Fitting, and if Blueblood had stationed Mr. Armor here for exactly this purpose, then she gave him full points for the dramatic symmetry of the thing, if nothing else. As she turned to leave, the colt behind the counter started shouting again.

"W-w-wait," he said with a badly-forced smile, "c-can I recommend you a good book? My sister sends me recommendations all the time, how about Pony Party Planning by Pleasant Surprise? Hiding Places and You; Anywhere You Can Fit by Withered Violets? Plot Progression by Geddon Widdit? What abou-"

"Mr. Armor," Rarity said sternly, "I can appreciate that you mean well, and that you wish to do right by your friend, but frankly? This whole fiasco has gone on long enough and I am well within my rights to seek an end to it by consulting the only other pony in town whom it truly concerns. Do you understand?"

Shining's ears folded back. "Yes'm." As Rarity again turned to leave, he called out one more time. "Wait!" She stopped, which he took as a good sign. "I'm not sure what you've gone through since this started, but I'm sorry, and whatever you may think of me, Blueblood, or any of my friends, none of us meant you any kind of harm in any of this."

Chuckling, she looked back at him over her shoulder with a genuine little smile. "I see. I'll try to bear that in mind, thank you."

As she trotted out, Shining smiled, pretty sure that for maybe the first time since this caper began, things were starting to look up.

...Provided that Rarity didn't find Blueblood, argue with him a bunch, tell him Shining told her where he was, make it sound like he'd betrayed his friend and boss without a second tho-

Shining immediately went hunting for another book in his sister's list of recommendations, this one apparently having been picked out for her by her friends; Shut Up, Calm Down, and Stop Catastrophizing, by Cool Head. It was very enlightening.

Author's Note

I've never even seen a Noir movie, but I know I read the dialogue in Rorschach's voice. :pinkiehappy:

Golden Harvest and Lilac Links are two randoms I found specifically for this scene.

On that note, Golden Harvest is apparently the official name for Carrot Top, a pony that appeared previously in the Stallionverse and wound up dating Caramel when last we saw her. Here, they're two different ponies that happen to look a lot alike, Pinkie Pie often telling ponies that there's a very subtle difference in their cutie marks. The more you know!

Chapter 8: Knock on Wood

In only minutes, Rarity approached the doors to City Hall, but when she reached out to open them, she was startled by voices quickly getting louder on the other side. When the doors opened, she found herself hiding in one of the bushes by the steps leading to the platform that encircled the building, with her hat balanced jauntily on top of it. She kept still, however, for fear of being seen by Applejack and Big Macintosh, the two who had just stepped out.

...Wait, why should that stop me? Have I been snooping for so long now that hiding has become a habit?

She'd have stepped out of the bush now, but with that would come the awkward, embarrassing moment of explaining why she dove into a bush in the first place, so she opted to wait until the farmer siblings had left. As soon as they finished talking by the doors.

...Which would be aaaaany moment now...

Sighing, she angled an ear to listen in until they moved along.

"An' that's all of it," asked Applejack, an irritable edge in her voice, "no more daggum papers about this now?"

"Not fer now," answered Big Mac, "least not fer another few months."

Applejack snorted. "If there's one thing that makes me glad Ah get to kick things real hard in the day-job, it's bureaucracy." There was a brief pause in which she glanced at the doors again. "So... What's he up to in there?" In response to Mac's raised eyebrow, she scowled a little. "Don' gimme that look! Celestia's nephew swings into the mayor's office lookin' all serious an' Ah ain't s'posed to think it might be a new tree tax or trade law or some zoning thing again? You're his friend, so Ah'm hopin' you can tell me if he said anything on it."

"Actually, Ah think he just wanted to talk to 'er 'bout the Summer Sun Celebration, what with the talk'a the town right now. Said he had a few things he'd been wonderin' about fer a long time now." It hurt to deceive his sister to her face, but he focused on fond, foalhood memories, of an adorable young Applejack giggling on a swingset, of her first time tasting Zap-Apple Jam, of the time Applebloom talked her into trying one of her pretty, red bows on. That one was just last week, but damned if she wasn't emasculatingly cute wearing it.

"Oh." She breathed a sigh of relief. "Shoot, that all? Ah mean, don't think Ah ain't glad for it, but..." Another glance was spared for the door. "Reckon it makes sense, what with the whole town yakkin' 'bout that day." It was subtle, but Big Mac didn't miss her pained grimace. "Honey allergy... can ya believe we didn't get sued or nothin'?"

"Even he knows it were an accident, Applejack."

"Yea, yea, Ah know, but Ah was still scared we'd lose all our business fer a week!" She shook her head. "Darndest thing though; with the way he is now, Ah'd a thought he'd be completely diff'rent after that. Ah mean, he's normally a bit like Rarity, ain't he?"

In a nearby bush, white ears perked up a little further.

Big Macintosh did not like to deceive or mislead his family, but sensing opportunity to learn how somepony saw Rarity, he chose to buck while the apples were ripe. "Whaddya mean?"

"You know 'im, don'tcha? We ain't close, but from what Ah know, she's pretty much that, only a little more... frou-frou. But, the opposite of that ain't smiles and dancin', y'know?"

"How do ya think it should'a gone, then?"

Applejack scratched her head. "Ah dunno, maybe it... If he's like Rarity, and if Ah know Rarity, it'd've gone somethin' like..."

The door to City Hall flew open with a resounding crash, startling Rarity into dropping the ribbon she'd been tying and whipping around in wide-eyed fright. Her eyes narrowed as she caught sight of the offender; a dirty, sweaty oaf in a plaid shirt, tattered overalls, and a tweed beanie that looked like it hadn't seen a wash since the day it was made, not unlike his bushy beard or the wood axe on his back.

"And just what do you think you're doing," she demanded, snout wrinkling in disgust at the mud and flecks of dust he tracked in with every step, "do you not know that Princess Celestia herself is due to stand in the very room you're sullying?!"

"Pfft," he retorted, the overpowering smell of cheap liquor on his breath carrying clear across the room, "ain't loike she ain't nevah seen doit befoh, eh? Dis 'ere's mainly an Earth pony town, so wot 'arm's a thin layer'a Earth?"

"I beg your pardon?!"

"Nate'chur's beautiful. Love it."

She braved the acrid smell of menial labor to step closer and look him in the eye through the messy mane that hung out of his hat. "There is a proper time and place for nature's bounty, and the interior of any decent establishment is neither!"

"Aww, yer too uptoight, there's more tah loife than snazzy dresses an' clean floors!"

"There most certainly is not!!"

"Is so. When's the last toime you sat under a tree just tah relax in the shade, or laid on the grass to watch clouds go boi?"

"Never," she spat back, pacing closer with a scornful look on her face, "because both are excellent means of accumulating filth on one's person, as is plain to see when looking at you! And look at you indeed!" She couldn't really step any closer at this point, so she instead walked around him during her analysis. "Mud caked on your hooves, fetlocks tangled, mane and tail a wind-swept nightmare," her voice grew lower as she went on, "coat unbrushed, clothes wrinkled and horribly out of style, and worst of all," she said while coming to a stop in front of him, her eyes narrow and her breaths uneven, "you are covered, in, DIRT!!"

And then she pounced, their limbs intertwining in a frantic mess as their lips locked, the mane of the dainty seamstress quickly losing its careful styling in the frenzy as she tore his shirt open, their tongues exploring-

Uhh, Sis...?

Applejack blinked twice, slowly drawing a thoughtful hoof to her chin. "...Ah think that one got away from me a little bit."

"Eeyup. When'd he get drunk, anyway? We didn't even give 'em any of the strong stuff."

"Well, Ah figure the booze would'a come after the potion."

"Potion?"

The new voice had both farmers leap halfway to City Hall's awning.

Rarity had intended to say something very, very different after that little glimpse into Applejack's psyche, but that last statement swept her thoughts right out from under her. "What potion? What are you talking about?"

When they'd recovered from their tiny heart-attacks, the Apple siblings turned to face her, Applejack doing so with a very fearful, sheepish smile. "H-hey Rarity, didn't see ya there."

"No, I should think not, but what was that you were saying a moment ago? About 'strong stuff' and potions?"

Applejack and Big Mac shared a look, the former tilting her head a little. "You hadn't heard? About when he came by Sweet Apple Acres as part of the inspection?"

"Nnnno," she answered with a raised eyebrow, "nopony in town has said anything of the sort, at least not that I know of. Do you know something about that day?"

Applejack frowned. "Ah thought everypony knew. And, uh-" she blushed, smiling sheepishly, "ain't you at all sore at me fer the last part'a mah story?"

Her face almost indifferent, Rarity shrugged. "Oh, not at all, you should have heard what some ponies who shan't be named were saying. Now, enlighten me about that potion..."

Lightning Dust didn't usually just walk through town, but she knew the flyer plan had failed and it was hard to keep her head down when she was high off the ground. It wasn't her fault, of course, she'd only done what she was told! To the letter, even! Still, the sight of random flyers all over the place still made her feel guilty, if only in a litterbug kind of way. Of course, she felt much worse when she spotted Pinkie Pie, whose head rested on a table of an outdoor eating area, the rest of her body just kind of slumped to prop her up like a sack of rubbery pony-doh. Somewhere, she was sure, a chiropractor was crying.

"Uh... hey," she said while trotting over, "you um... you doing okay?" Lightning wasn't sure what to make of the way Pinkie's head turned to face her, but maybe it was better not to think too hard about it.

"Hey," she said with a sigh, "I'm... I'm fine, but I'm not the one I'm worried about."

"Blueblood and Rarity?"

"Right-a-roonie."

Hearing those words(?) pronounced so flatly made Lightning imagine that a clown was crying now. And not one of the already-sad clowns. She cleared her throat. "Y'know, this really isn't even that bad of a situation. I mean, I know Rainbow is a big baby about her reputation, but outside the version of the story where Blueblood and Rarity were little foals that first met in a sandbox to hurl kindergarten-level obscenities (and sand) at each other, most of what I've been hearing gives me the impression that these two are a little more mature than that."

Pinkie raised her head a little to look her in the eye. "Y'know what Thunderlane told me after that night you guys drank together?"

Most of the weather team almost definitely knew already, but Lightning still felt herself blush. "W... What?"

"Nothing."

They held each other's stares for a long moment as the point sunk in, Lightning nodding slowly. "...Yea, okay, I... I think I get it. But, how do you know we-"

"Were seen walking from your place to his (you weren't the only ones in town who didn't stay for the whole party, y'know), how I heard from the pony that runs Nirvana (we might prefer different kinds of parties, but we still get along!) that Thunderlane bought more tequila later the next day, which he wouldn't need to do if he went out drinking somewhere, and I know he doesn't drink alone? I know the flyers were my idea, Lightning Dust, but I'm not stupid."

Blink. "I... Gonna be honest, thought you were gonna call me 'Dusty' for a second there."

"I thought you told me not to call you that?"

"You heard me?"

"You shouted it, silly!"

Her mouth opening and closing a few times, Lightning blushed. "Y-yea, guess I did." Stupid Cloudkicker.

Staring off into space as she rested her head on the table again, Pinkie sighed. "I might not like secrets, but if everypony were okay with everypony else knowing all their personal affairs, nopony would have secrets at all, but they do, so they're not. That's not even accounting for how Rarity wants to be a big fashion pony and this incident can't be doing any favors for her reputation with the ponies that run that racket, to say nothing of how Princess Celestia might take a whole town gossiping about her family. I know these things might start harmlessly, but they have a way of growing out of control and leading to painful consequences before you know it, and THAT'S the part I failed to prevent."

"...Oh."

"Yup."

Then came an awkward silence. Lightning wasn't sure what to say, but felt like she shouldn't just walk away, either.

Reeeally wishing I had plans today or something. Why did I finish up so early?!

...Because of dumb Thunderlane and his penchant for getting me to do paperwork somehow?

Before she could reflect further on the degree to which things were his fault, she caught sight of one of his friends trotting by in a very strange state, even for this town. "Uh, hey, um, not that it's any of my business, but... why are you covered in tree sap?"

Doctor stopped and smiled at her. "I was working on a plan to cease the speculations going around town-" Pinkie perked up, "-when I got side-tracked into helping the CMC build miniature catapults somehow." His tone remained cheerful. "The operation was a complete failure for all involved!"

Finally breaking her mask of tired sadness, Pinkie sat up like a pony with a normal spine and smiled. "But is the no-more-rumors thing still on?"

"Oh, certainly! We're due to regroup at the library "

"Great!"

Lightning blinked, so she couldn't be sure that Pinkie's head really did turn all the way around to face her as Pinkie hopped to her hooves.

"You wanna join us, Lightning Dust?"

"Uh..." If the others were going to be there, she could at least berate Thunderlane for sticking her with the bureaucracy or something. And, there was always the chance that, if somepony were to be directly involved with getting Ponyville as a whole to finally drop the issue, they may be willing to divulge factual details with said somepony, right? Not that she cared, but, it would be nice if she had something to formally shut everypony else up with, right? Yes, that's what she was after here; a Shup Up With The Damn Rumors draw card! "Yea, sure, I got nothing that really needs doing today."

"Capital," replied Doctor, "now off to Golden Oaks we go!"

"Tally-ho," cheered Pinkie as she pronked in that direction with Doctor, leaving Lightning to somewhat hesitantly flap along.

"Yea... tally-ho."

Author's Note

A Canadian accent might have made more sense, but I don’t think it’d have been as funny. Doubly so as I don’t know if Canadian accents are actually a thing. On second thought, maybe it makes less sense...

Chapter 9: Viewpoints

Well, thought Blueblood, that was an hour wasted.

He couldn't fault Mayor Mare's professionalism, at least, because her reasons for assigning who to what the day of the Summer Sun Celebration were all about their past work, not their personalities. This went double in the case of Rainbow Procrastinator Dash, but regardless, he was no closer to fabricating a rumor Rarity wouldn't dismantle. Well, the others must have found something, right? At the very least, he felt confident that Shining wouldn't have learned anything useful and they'd have a funny moment of failure camaraderie when he got back to the library.

Setting out to do just that, he passed a doorway, was grabbed from behind, and yanked into a dark room with a hoof over his snout, the door shutting and locking in the next instant.

His first instinct was to teleport away, but lacking visual on a safe spot in which to do so, used an illumination spell first. The assailant let go when he did this, but as he whirled around to face them while charging a more offensive spell in tandem with the light one, he nearly dropped both.

"...Er... Hello."

"Good afternoon," deadpanned Rarity. "I can see that you're very busy, but perhaps you'd indulge me a simple question."

All but sneering at her, he raised an eyebrow. "'Why am I abducting ponies in legal offices?' I think you'd be more suited to-"

His smart-flank response was cut off with a slap across the face before she grabbed his head in both forehooves. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

"W-what?!"

"The potion, you idiot, the potion!"

He blinked slowly, enunciating the most articulate response he could compose. "Huh?"

Her voice softened as her face saddened. "When we first met? Why didn't you ever say anything?"

Still in her grip, he scoffed as realization dawned. "Wasn't it obvious, once my personality reversed?"

"We were complete strangers, how the hay could I have known that wasn't the real you?! Or that you weren't just stringing me along?!"

"...Oh. You never connected the dots afterward? I just kind of assumed, after that first party, that everypony knew what they saw earlier wasn't-"

She shook his head, speaking through gritted teeth. "I. Didn't." She was breathing heavily, a thin layer of mist in her eyes. "All that time," she whispered, "I had assumed you were some chauvinistic beast, a shameless playcolt, a-" her breath hitched. "...Do you remember what we were talking about, just before?"

He only stared back, mouth set in a grim line.

She shook him again. "Answer me!!"

"I was aware," he muttered, "the whole time." There were tears in the corners of the fashionista's eyes as she stared at him in horror. Prince forced a smile, and a much cheerier tone. "But in your defense? Half of what you guessed before was pretty spot-on."

There was a short silence as she stared back at him, incredulous, before letting go of his head and giggling to herself. "You really are an idiot."

"Hmph," he said while indignantly raising his muzzle. "Well, with due respect, madam, I'm not the one who made untoward advances on a drugged-up loon."

Tightly clenching her teeth, Rarity felt her whole head heat up to uncomfortable temperatures. If she wasn't careful, she might perspire, but more important at the moment was rage. "You are the one that started the sweet nothings, Mr. Blueblood!" He must have expected her to say that, because his next words came with an insufferably smug grin.

"Yes, before I was free of the effects of the personality-reversing potion. What was your excuse for escalating matters, Miss Rarity?"

Absolutely livid, Rarity stomped her front hooves like a filly throwing a tantrum. "Is it so wrong, after years of climbing my way up the fashion rungs from this backwater town, countless nights of toil for project after project, deadline after deadline, that when my fondest dream should manifest itself and sweep me off my hooves, I should embrace it?! Do you have any idea how it felt to have my heart swell up with the realization of what is every filly's dream at some point, then ripped out and stomped flat?! I discovered a whole new kind of ice-cream later that afternoon just to get over it rather than attending the celebration I'd personally helped to set up!!" There was an audible pause. "Though in hindsight, perhaps that last part was for the best."

Blueblood snorted, his amusement gone. "Do you think it was any easier for me; trapped and helpless in my own body as my mouth, speaking words that were not my own, nearly led me to be taken advantage of? I was actually relieved when the other mares fainted or ran away, because at least they wouldn't have partaken in... that, which was to be my punishment for failing to tell a little filly to sod off!"

Despite still being angry, Rarity blinked twice. "Filly?"

So did Blueblood. "...I thought you heard the story?"

"I heard you drank a potion that reversed your polarity, so to speak, when did little fillies come up?"

"Ah, well then. Short version: Inspected Sweet Apple Acres, was asked to stay for brunch, begrudgingly accepted-"

"Applebloom?"

"Correct."

"Ah."

"-ate Zap Apple product, allergies, nearly died, and was given the Yinyang panacea potion to 'fix' it."

Another pause followed before Rarity muttered something back. "There was much I didn't know, it seems." Speaking a little louder, she raised an earnestly confused eyebrow. "But, what about the other things you've done since you came here? I suppose you drink those potions on a regular basis?"

He again mirrored her expression. "'Other things'? I'll take full credit for being a rotten bastard for the rest of that day after the potion wore off, but you're going to have to be more specific."

"I once witnessed you shouting at foals, even threatening them in broad daylight!"

"Threatening...?"

"Yes, threatening!"

"When I find you, I'll make paste of your hooves!!"

The shout from outside her bedroom window made Rarity jump, glancing out her window to see Prince Blueblood facing some bushes.

"Just you wait, you little troglodytes, because when I catch you, your families won't recognize the remains!"

Blueblood rolled his eyes. "I was not 'threatening' them, what you overheard came during a game of tag while foalsitting."

"...Foalsitting?"

"Yes. Foalsitting."

It wasn't a typical day for Prince Blueblood, but with Doctor and Ditzy off handling what he must have misheard as a rabid yeti problem or something and Thunderlane and Blossomforth picking up the slack for Rainbow Careless Dash, he was the one tasked with foalsitting Rumble and Dinky. The game of the moment was hide and seek, which he found himself taking to with surprising enthusiasm.

"Bet you can't catch us," Rumble called over his shoulder while running off to hide.

"Yea," called Dinky, galloping alongside him, "you big slow-poke!"

Grinning with amusement, Blueblood called right back without looking in their direction. "We'll see who's slow when I catch you two and stuff you into a box!"

Their merry laughter told him they welcomed the challenge.

"Come out, come out," he said to some old boxes around the back of Quills and Sofas, "and I won't have to feed you to cragadiles." The sounds of muffled giggling told him exactly which one they were (perhaps ironically) hiding in, which he lifted telekinetically with a cry of "AHA!"

Dinky and Rumble immediately scampered off, the latter calling over his shoulder as Blueblood gave them a head start again. "You seek like a blind parasprite!"

"Perhaps so," he retorted, "but when it catches you, this parasprite will EAT YOU ALIVE!!"

As before, he followed the sounds of foalish laughter.

"So," Rarity surmised, "that moment outside my window...?"

"More of that, yes.

"...Oh."

"Indeed. You know, it's funny that you should bring up foal abuse, Miss Rarity, with the way you feed Sweetie Belle."

Shock quickly changed to indignance. "I beg your pardon?!"

"She brought in a sample of your cooking to one of Miss Pie's parties, and I can tell you I'd have willingly had a double dose of the Yinyang panacea after that!"

Looking like she'd tasted something strange herself, Rarity made a confused face. "What? I've never cooked anything for one of Pinkie's parties."

Blueblood looked skeptical. "Not even toast?"

Death.

That was the golden ideal at that moment, the melodious sound of the word a promise from the heavens as Blueblood lay on the ground, choking and hacking and wishing his stomach would just explode and end it already. Alas, he was given no choice but to persist through the horrors of living, the awareness that somehow, someday, he may again face a trial like this one as haunting to him as visions of a purple, starry hat in the corners of his sight.

Applebloom, feeling a bit of deja vu, had to ask. "You okay, Mister Blue?"

Scootaloo tilted her head. "He doesn't look okay." Eyebrow raised, she turned to Sweetie Belle. "Where'd you get that 'toast,' anyway? I know we all said we'd bring something to Pinkie's party today, but your dish is gonna make ponies sick."

"Uh-" Sweetie smiled sheepishly, just a hint of a blush visible as she started to sweat, "w-well, I kinda forgot until the last minute, so I asked Rarity to help me!"

Rarity facehoofed. "Oh, goodness gracious, that filly." She looked back at him with tired eyes, like this was something she'd had to explain one too many times before. "It usually starts in the morning...

Waking from her beauty sleep to the sound of a smoke alarm, Rarity had a split-second daydream that some day, it would be because the house was actually on fire. Shaking it off, she got up, quickly made her way downstairs, and found Sweetie Belle engaged in a familiar routine with an open window and a desk fan. She looked over her shoulder with a frown.

"I tried airing the room out a little sooner this time, but it went off anyway."

Rarity smiled with a hint of amusement, if only for having gotten used to this. "It's meant to go off if there's any smoke in the room at all, Darling, the best way to prevent it is to not make any smoke."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense. I'm not allowed to leave the house until this is all cleaned up, am I?"

She smiled wider, this time with pride. "That is correct."

"Can I get some help? I don't wanna be late for Pinkie's party today."

Nodding, Rarity got started with her usual selection of spells for this situation. "I'll get the walls and ceiling, you get the floor and dishes, and we attack whatever's left together."

Sweetie beamed. "Okay!"

"I must have missed her taking what I interpreted as wreckage out of the house for her throwing it away, not taking it to be eaten by anypony. My little sister means well, but she is an atrocious chef."

How very kind of her to pin her work on me, at that. We'll certainly have a discussion about this when next I get my hooves on her.

Blueblood's mouth opened, then slowly closed again. "...In hindsight, that makes some sense."

"So, speaking of little fillies that offer food," she said with an accusing eyebrow arch, "what were you doing to terrify that filly scout just before the big race a while back?"

Bravado made ponies do the strangest things! Honestly, Rarity of all ponies could understand supporting Foal Hope however necessary, but racing through a particularly intense storm was simply begging for somepony to get hurt! Rarity wouldn't stick around for that, however, she'd simply make her contribution and return to her safe, dry home.

That was the plan until she'd caught sight of Blueblood standing before a trembling filly just across the field. She couldn't see his face at this angle, but there was no doubt in her mind that it was cruel and malicious, because the filly-scout in front of him trembled as though he were Nightmare Moon herself!

Blueblood raised an eyebrow. "Hm...? Oh, little Tag Along? I did nothing to her on the day of the race, but we had met before." He chuckled with a weird kind of nostalgia at the memory. "Actually, I suspect it was that very interaction that led to my inspection here..."

Prince Blueblood liked his suit, very much so. What he hated the most (other than alcohol sometimes and family most of the times) were stains, mud and general dirtiness. And that’s exactly why all of those things had to get on his new suit. Soaking wet, confused and angrier by the second, he really didn’t care that the little filly scout didn’t mean to ride her scooter right through the only puddle on the road. She didn’t mean to destroy his new favorite suit with mud and she really tried to apologize and was feeling sorry. All Prince ever thought was about rage.

"You... YOU LITTLE BRAT! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY NEW SUIT!!"

His screams were loud enough to wake up all the cats within a mile and break a glass in nearby cafe. Not with voice, but by startling a clerk, who dropped a glass full of juice on the floor. But Prince didn’t stop there, he got on and on, lashing any insult he knew about on the little bugger who DARED to destroy piece of art he covered himself with. Never mind that it was dirt cheap for him and making another would take hour or two, while a child’s psyche would be damaged forever. And it was starting to crack, as the little filly was starting to sob, barely making out the apologies from her bawling, until finally she was about to cry a literal river.

"And that was how I got my first friend-punch! I really was out of line that day, how I shouted at the top of my lungs over some mud on a new suit."

"I should think not!!"

Startled by the sudden outburst, Blueblood blinked in surprise at the enraged mare across from him, made just slightly scarier by the angle of lighting from his horn in the otherwise dark room. This faded when she quickly regained her self-control, but it was an image he wouldn't be forgetting.

"Yes, so," she said with a little blush before clearing her throat, "while you may have gone overboard, it sounds like you had some reason to make her think you were a foal-hating monster."

"Er... I suppose? She got over her fears when I donated a fat sack of bits, so she couldn't have been too traumatized. Speaking of fashion and monstrosities, perhaps you can explain the ugly, lumpy, spike-addled horror I once saw being sold in your shop?"

At this, she took very personal offense, as evidenced by narrowed eyes and clenched teeth. "Choose your next words carefully, Prince Blueblood."

He didn't back down. "Do what you must, but I know what I saw..."

There beyond the window of Carousel Boutique stood what could only be called an abomination, a grotesque, misshapen, ugly thing of strands and sharp edges strewn randomly about and colors that would make a swamp hydra sick. The bulk of the thing was just a mass of hanging lumps, like a bunch of burlap sacks strapped together.

"And the worst part was the price tag, that it was actually being sold for-" They spoke at the same time as recognition dawned in Rarity's eyes. "-one hundred and twenty bits."

Shaking her head, Rarity sighed. "I would feel the need to apologize for my part in the assembly of that ragged horror, but Sweetie and her friends asked for my help in making a monster costume for a school play...

"And it should have big teeth!"

"An' two tongues!"

"And a really ugly mane!"

Poring over the script, Rarity searched for even the faintest hint of what this blasted creature was to look like, but the vagueness quickly grew frustrating, doubly so with three hyperactive fillies bouncing around the boutique. "I'm sorry, girls, but I don't quite understand how we're to make this thing. The closest thing to specifications for the design is the its name; 'Hideous Monster.'"

Scootaloo shrugged. "I still say we just make it look like Diamond Tiara."

Applebloom shook her head. "Naw, she's already the witch and that'd get real confusin'." Looking at Rarity, she frowned. "Are ya sure there's nothin' ya can do?"

Rarity frowned back. "Without some kind of instruction, I haven't the foggiest what the ensemble calls for. The script didn't so much as include a monster origin from which I could hazard a guess!" There was little doubt in her mind that it had been penned by a filly, the only question was which parent had coerced Cheerilee to to actually have it performed.

Sweetie tilted her head. "Couldn't you just do the opposite of what you normally do?"

Blink. "...Er, come again?"

"You normally make dresses that are really pretty, so if you do what you normally do in reverse, couldn't you make a monster that was really ugly?"

There came a long silence.

Could she, Rarity Belle, dedicated fashionista and proprietor of Ponyville's #1 clothes store, put aside all things beautiful and fabulous and violate everything she knew about aesthetics for the sake of her little sister and her friends?

Well, I have to do something with the scrap drawer.

Rarity smiled.

"The price tag was their idea of a joke, that on top of eating ponies, the monster charged a hundred and twenty bits up front."

"Hm," Blueblood answered with a little nod. This won a skeptical look out of Rarity.

"That's it? Just 'hm'? No questions?"

"I've met the CMC before, Miss Rarity."

"...Fair enough. So, what about that mare, Trixie, that came to town a while back?"

Imperceptibly against his coat and the lighting, Blueblood paled, but it carried into his tone. "What about her?"

"I ran into her at Pinkie's welcome party the day she arrived. She seemed convinced that you two were as good as wedded, so I thought you'd pulled the same trick with her as with me, but, if there was no trick the first time...?" His somber tone told Rarity this was something of a sensitive issue.

"Trixie Lulamoon is a very odd pony, and I wouldn't take much of what she says at face value. I spent a chunk of that day attempting to make my feelings toward her very, very clear, to no avail, but rest assured that I did not encourage her behavior. On that note," he said with an inquisitive look, "what exactly did you talk to her about? Because it wasn't long after that she was heard saying strange things about horns." Her earnest confusion suggested that maybe Trixie was just being Trixie again.

"Horns? What? What are you talking about?"

"Err, nevermind." Come to think of it, she was talking to Shining Armor at the time. "So... Quite the string of misunderstandings, isn't it?"

"Indeed so," she said neutrally, "much like what the rest of Ponyville is up to right now."

"My friends and I are working on that. I was actually here to talk to Mayor Mare about why she selected you to take part in the Summer Sun Celebration preparations to glean enough details of your personality that making a convincing lie about the whole incident would be possible without you taking offense and dismantling it, thus complicating matters further, with a few friends of mine doing much the same thing." He got a very flat look for this, at which he rolled his eyes. "Well alright, what was your plan to actually fix things?"

She blinked, caught off-guard by the question. "W-well... admittedly nothing, but thank you for at least considering me in your schemes."

"Mhm. Of course," he said neutrally, "if you were to cooperate directly, that could expedite the process considerably."

"That, would be best for all involved," she said just as noncommittally, "would I be mistaken in thinking that the next meeting for this will be in Golden Oaks?"

"Suppose it's not exactly a secret clubhouse. Until then, however, we probably shouldn't be seen together. I'll leave first." As he moved for the door, Rarity called out somewhat indignantly.

"Is it not 'ladies first'?"

"Would you like to be the one to explain that, no really, I invited you to assist with the plan? It may not be entirely convincing from my lips, Miss Rarity, so I'm less than confidant about your odds."

"...Right, well."

To say something polite for the departure was second nature by now, but there was very little in the way of etiquette for when the air was awkward. When he dispelled the light and left, Rarity stood in the dark for about a minute, used her own light spell, and left through a different door. If nothing else, maybe they'd at least have this whole fiasco sorted out by the end of the day.

Author's Note

And that, I think, was the very first Stallionverse Clip Show! Granted, some of the 'clips' were entirely new scenes, but somehow I thought Sunny, Moonie, Twily would get that one.

Also; just in case anyone is confused about the Trixie mentions, the related scene is in this chapter.

Chapter 10: All He Said Was That It Probably Ran In The Family

After recovering her hat and making her way to Golden Oaks Library, Rarity very carefully timed her approach for a moment in which nopony was watching. None of the windows were open and the angle from which she closed in was away from the front door, but noticing a balcony sticking out around the back of the buildi-... tree, she managed to jump, kick off the side of the trunk, and hop over the railing with the help of a Feather Weight spell.

She had that spell because it helped lift heavy supplies for her shop, not because it made her weigh less when cast on herself. The spell didn't even make living targets look thinner anyway, so there!

Luckily for her, the door up there wasn't locked, so she was free to waltz right in. She had never been past the front room of Golden Oaks, so she wasn't exactly sure where to go, but the voices from the nearby corridor quickly led her to that very place. Maybe she could have come in through the front door, but more pressing was the tumult she walked in on.

"-all four stacks," Lightning Dust complained with narrowed eyes to an equally annoyed Thunderlane, "double-checked, by myself!"

"You were the one that said you were sooo focused, that you could get it all done in half the time we would!"

"That was Rainbow, putting words in my mouth!"

"Words you completely agreed with!"

"...Y-yea, but..." Lightning blushed. "Well I was right anyway!"

"Then what's the problem?!"

"YOUR FACE!!"

"Not in the face, notintheface," cried Soarin, fleeing a furious Shining Armor, "I need it for quite a few things!"

"You'll heal!"

"Oh, c'mon, I told you I was just kidding about your kid sister! Can't you take a joke?!"

"GRRRR!!"

They ran past Blueblood, Big Mac, and Pinkie, who had a vase stuck on her head.

"My first solution would be to teleport her somewhere," mused Blueblood, "but pressed that tightly against her skin, the vase might come with her anyway and... well, let's just say you don't want to know how that could potentially make things worse."

Big Mac raised an eyebrow. "Just how safe is that spell?"

"It has more to do with how much practice one has casting it on other pon-"

Rarity startled the room with a loud, flashy (but short-lived, so as to be safe indoors) firework spell she'd once used for a fashion show. When she had their attention, she raised an eyebrow. "This is all going toward dismantling those rumors, I hope?" Some uncertain looks were exchanged, but before she could properly ask just what the hay was going on, Doctor burst in with a large tub of margarine tucked under one leg.

"I have acquired butter!"

Pinkie, head still stuck in the vase, let out a muffled cheer.

"What the hay is-" Rarity stopped and cleared her throat. "I mean, excuse me, but could anypony be so kind as to explain the situation here?"

"Uhh... well," started Lightning Dust, "Doctor led me and Pinkie here, where Mac, Armor," her voice took on a fleeting note of annoyance, "Thunderlane, and Soarin were already waiting, Blueblood showed up right after we got done telling the rest that we were here to help, so we did that part again, Pinkie was like-"

"Crl mh Phnkh!"

"Yea, and she started singing a song and-"

Doctor, setting the margarine on the floor near Pinkie, raised an eyebrow. "I thought the singing came after the vase?"

Soarin scratched his head. "I think it fell after and/or during the song, right around the time Shining started-OW!" Rubbing his freshly-punched foreleg, he scowled at Shining Armor. "Yeesh, I said I was kidding."

Shining nodded. "And I said I'd smack you if you said another word about her, which you did after the vase fell."

"I think that sounds about right," mused Thunderlane as he looked upwards, "but where did the vase come from?"

Blueblood touched a hoof to his chin in thought. "You know, now that you mention it, that might be the vase that went missing during our practice with levitation spells about a week ag-"

"ENOUGH," screeched Rarity, again startling the room into silence. She rubbed her temples. "There are enough confusing stories going around as it is, so can we please, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, just get on with this?"

Pinkie popped the vase right off her head, smiling. "Sure thing, Rari-bear! And I think I've got just the plan! For real this time!"

As she rubbed her forehooves together in faintly sinister fashion, Doctor glanced at the tub by Pinkie's hooves. "So, do you still need this butter, or...?"

"Yes, actually!"

Late that afternoon...

"So," Lily thought aloud as she took in the scene, "where do you think Pinkie gets the budget for these things?"

Rose took a cautious look around. "There are things sane ponies don't think about, 'Lil."

Before them was a stage not unlike that of The Great and Powerful Trixie, who'd visited town a while back for a short, but flashy magic show before helping herself to one of the local stallions. There didn't seem to be any wagon attached or fireworks going off, but it was a stage, complete with seating arrangements of which they were presently making use, and a popcorn stand, at which stood Doctor. Maybe that was what he did for a living. All around them, ponies shuffled in, finding somewhere to sit while a friend brought them-

"Popcorn!" declared Daisy, startling her friends again. "Nice and buttery! By the way, either of you have a clue what all this is about?"

"N-no," answered Lily as Daisy sat with them, "do you?"

"Nope, but knowing Pinkie, I'm sure it'll be something fun!"

She took the first bite of popcorn when a big, pink smoke cloud burst into existence on stage, but nothing happened when it cleared. Then Pinkie galloped up onto the stage to stand where the smoke cloud had been, wearing a yellow, pointy hat and cape covered with smiley faces. She addressed the crowd with a slightly sheepish smile.

"Ta-daaaa...?" There were giggles, which made her giggle too. "Thanks for coming out, everypony! You all remember Trixie the Stage Magician coming to Ponyville, right? Well, I didn't while I was writing that flyer, so I sorta left that out, but it was totally a neat thing that happened! So much so that I wanted to do a show of my own, which is what we're doing now, as soon as I stop telling you about it and actually do it, Pinkie stop reading the cue cards and just do the-oh, right!"

A few ponies turned around, but nopony was there. In a newly-ruffled cloud overlooking the stage, Lightning Dust sighed with relief. She said that last cue card was a dumb idea, but not because she thought Pinkie would read it out loud!

"For my first trick," Pinkie announced while pulling a rubber chicken out of her hat, "balloon animals!" Eyebrows were raised and heads were tilted, but she held the beak of the polymer avian to her lips, blew into it until it inflated to four times its normal size, tightly tied a string around its neck, and held it, floating, for all to see. "Ta-daaa!"

"-and that's when the ice cream pony showed up! It was-"

Moondancer's smile vanished as she stopped dead, her eyes went wide, and a shiver ran up her spine. Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle shared a glance before the latter raised an eyebrow.

"Umm... Moondancer? You okay?"

"I, yea, just... I felt, a disturbance. As though somepony were enacting motions with their lips and mouth upon a vague representation of a certain piece of anatomy and making it bigger in the wrongest way possible."

"...Well," Sunset huffed as she returned to her book, "don't make a habit of it."

"'Kay!"

There was some applause amid the bewildered stares, Lily tilting her head. "D-don't balloons need helium to-"

Rose cut her off. "There things sane ponies don't think about, 'Lil."

Then, Pinkie pulled a big, bouncy ball out from under her cape, holding it against the floor with one hoof. "For my next trick, I'll balance on this ball, juggle another, tinier ball, a bowling pin, and a little pony puppet while drinking a glass of water!" She procured these items from a table nopony was sure had been there a second ago.

Having pulled off some sleight of hoof and the art of misdirection in a manner Hoofdini would be proud of, unseen ponies bumped hooves backstage.

Pinkie gathered up the items, balanced the glass of water on the tip of her snout, hopped onto the bigger ball while only spilling a few drops, started passing the smaller ball, bowling pin, and puppet between one front and hind hoof (which by itself drew some applause), picked up the glass from her snout with her free front hoof, and took a long drink! Ponies cheered, but just before she finished the glass, her balance on the bigger ball slipped, which she rapidly shifted to regain, shifted too far in one direction, and started undulating back and forth to stay up. In the blink of an eye, she angled the hind hoof she'd been using to juggle for a kick to launch the ball clear over the seated ponies, way over to the fountain at which the real show was about to start!

Ponies' eyes followed the ball as Pinkie came to rest on all four hooves, having slipped off the bigger ball and caught everything but the bowling pin (stee-rike?) as she stared after the ball with an intrigued look on her face just in case anypony was still looking at her.

Near the fountain, Blueblood stood in his finest tuxedo, carrying a bouquet of flowers. In front of him was Rarity, wearing a very nice dress and fanning herself with an ornately-decorated... well, fan.

"Miss Rarity," Blueblood began very loudly and boldly, "I've had a lot of time to think about the day we met, and I feel I must apologize for my behavior that day. Can you forgive me?"

Rarity answered at equally audible tones, internally giddy to be acting out a scene like this with an audience and everything. A lady maintained her composure, however. "Yes, for I was truly no better, Mr. Blueblood. Even so, I have had just as much time to consider what was said that day, and I'm afraid I must apologize twice. I do regret my own actions that day, but the two of us could never be together, as we're simply not each others' types."

Not looking at the crowd, Blueblood nodded. "Though I had hoped otherwise, with things being what they are, I must concur. Even so, please know that I bear you no ill will for the whole of the incident."

The stage smile wasn't hard to make, the hard part was keeping it down to normal, civilized levels as she heard the gasps of several onlookers. "Nor I you, and I'm sure that at the least, we can be good friends."

With that, the two of them turned and walked away, Blueblood casually chucking the flowers away...

...over the crowd, towards the stage, where they landed at Pinkie's hooves. Many of those watching gasped again, whispering to each other.

"Omigosh, did you see that?!"

"He threw them right at her!"

"You think it was on purpose?"

"Totally, he must be interested in-"

Pinkie looked at the flowers, picked them up, and took a bite, silencing the largely incredulous audience as they watched her chew the romantic gesture to pieces. "Thish's good! Nhnypony wahnsum?"

Many in the crowd gave Pinkie deadpan stares, sighed, and went home, their budding dreams of another wild mystery romance crushed.

A few days later, Pinkie, Lightning, Rarity, and the six secret Element Bearers had again gathered in the relative privacy of Golden Oaks.

Rarity sighed blissfully. "I can't tell you how good it is to be able to talk with ponies normally again."

That's not the only thing you're not telling us, Lighting thought to herself. Not that she cared. At all.

"Well," chuckled Soarin, "most of sorta know already, but it's great that the rumors died down after that little routine."

"Granted," Thunderlane said uncertainly, "they're kinda still going, but at least now the whole thing's been boiled down to an on-and-off joke."

Blueblood scratched his chin. "I wasn't sure it would work, but it seems vaguely outlining what 'happened' and telling any who asked that we didn't wish to discuss it further did the trick."

Doctor, as ever, smiled. "Apart from the occasional good-humored speculation?"

"Apart from those, yes." He took a sip of tea during the sustained silence that followed.

"...Sorr-"

The entire table looked at Shining Armor. "Please stop apologizing!!"

An awkward silence followed, Blueblood cleared his throat. "So, I've been meaning to ask, Miss Rarity, but your place of business caters to more than mares looking for something to wear to a party, correct?"

"Er, yes?"

"Well..." He brushed his neck self-consciously. "I happen to be a connoisseur of tasteful attire, and while your style, the subtle use of complimentary colors integrated with materials of the right texture to bring out those hues, is something I haven't seen in Canterlot, or even Manehattan, I've refrained from stopping by on account of this spat of ours."

Fashion senses tingling as though they'd caught fire, Rarity's eyes widened. "P...Prince Blueblood...?"

"I haven't had any trouble with ordering suits from elsewhere, but the time and cost of delivery have never been a high point of pretending your shop didn't exist. And, our recent performance may look suspicious if I were to continue to do so. That is to say, if you have no objections to the venture, then-" Her increasingly wide, manic grin and bright, sparkling eyes made him regret this line of thought, but thankfully she was only the 'happy' kind of insane.

"Waa-haa-haa-haa!! I'd be more than happy to make you a suit," she declared, speaking quickly," and I mean make one for you to wear, not skin you and- well, I think we're past all that now, and more importantly, I don't get asked to make suits very often so I have all these ideas I've wanted to try and-" Across the table, Pinkie smiled with some kind of pride as Rarity descended into borderline chipmunk-babble. "if you come by often I might even be able to do them all and get new ideas for corrections next time and I can only imagine what having not just a bonafide Canterlot Elite, but Celestia's own nephew wearing my designs would do for my career, so I can hardly wait to work together!!"

Having heard the middle part there, Lightning whispered to Thunderlane. "Isn't she kind of using him now?"

Thunderlane scratched his head. "Uh... Well, maybe, kind of, a little bit, but it works out for both of them, so just let her have this one, okay?"

"Eh, whatever."

"If you wouldn't mind," continued Prince, "we could (platontically) meet up for breakfast some time to discuss payment."

Rarity blinked twice, her head tilting. "Huh? Paymen-Oh!" She smiled brightly. "Yes, of course!"

I'll be getting paid for this too?!

It hadn't occurred to her that this would be anything akin to a regular business transaction, that she'd be doing anything less than making a free suit that a very (socially) high-ranking pony would be wearing, because it seemed like a friendly thing to do and putting a price tag on an olive branch was never in good taste. Then again, as he was undoubtedly rich and her kitchen could use some renovating after Sweetie Belle's recent cooking lessons (Rarity would not be blamed for toxic toast again), what was the harm? She glanced at Pinkie Pie, wondering if it would be worth the risks of a whole new batch of rumors if she kissed her full on the mouth for getting things to this point.

Of course, then I might have to kiss everypony else here. Perhaps gift baskets or something would be suitable?

"I'd have gone to order one for him," Shining said uncertainly, "but I couldn't shake the feeling that it'd be some kind of betrayal, so... Sorry we weren't giving you any business in all that t-" Many flat looks, including Pinkie holding a piece of cardboard in front of her face, halted the line of thought. "Alright, alright, I'll stop!"

Things were going a little too well for her already, but sometimes, a lady dared press her luck. "On that note, I don't suppose I could interest the rest of you in new outfits? There is the upcoming Centennial Meteor Shower and it wouldn't hurt to have something nice for the outdoor dance." With the dearth of young, unmarried stallions in this town, the lonelier mares will certainly thank me if I can get a few more looking presentable for the evening. Pinkie and Miss Dust could probably stand for makeovers as well.

There were some uncertain noises from the rest, bar the happily nodding party pony, but maybe she could talk to each of them later. Starting with the one that had just vaguely expressed interest. "What about you, Mr. Armor? Perhaps you could do with a well-tailored outfit yourself?"

He scratched his head. "Well, there is this party in Canterlot in a couple weeks, and if I'm going as a bodygu-I mean, assistant, I should probably dress for it."

She smiled. "I'm sure it would make somepony very happy to see you all prim and proper for the occasion."

"Ugh, no kidding" Shining said with an eye-roll, pointing at Blueblood, "he's always complaining about my 'pitifully limited wardrobe!'"

"Well it is," Blueblood muttered under his breath.

Rarity stayed the course. "...Rrrrright, but, I'm sure there's a very important mare that would appreciate it."

"Nah, Twily doesn't even think about fashion."

Her eyes widened. "'T-Twily'?"

The entire rest of the table (even Pinkie, just to fit in), answered in a tired monotone, their faces completely deadpan as they spoke in unison. "Twilight Sparkle, his precious, perfect, LSBFF, Princess Celestia's prized student and the best, cutest little sister ever."

Shining rolled his eyes, secretly glad they remembered all the details that time.

Sister, hm? Alright, there's still hope. "Right, right, your little sister... But, surely there's at least one other mare of note?"

He paused, visibly searching his memory. "Well..."

All present held their breath.

"Now that you mention it..."

Their gazes were firmly locked on Shining Armor, waiting in silent anticipation to see if he was about to herald The End Times by showing attraction of any kind to a mare other than his sister.

"My mother is always happy to see me in the officer uniform!"

Groans were heard, faces were hooved, and curses were muttered under breaths as the rest of the room shared a thought.

He's completely hopeless!

Sighing, Rarity sipped her tea. Sorry, Fluttershy, I tried.

Not long after, the group dispersed, with Pinkie just a little disappointed that she was barred from throwing a We Totally Fooled 'Em, Guys party on the grounds that it would kind of give it away. Not even a quiet party (PINKIE COULD TOTALLY DO QUIET!!) just for the nine of them! Still, this wasn't a bad thing, because the rumors were pretty much dried up, everything was fine, and everypony was happy, so she could at least go home in peace.

Of course, she thought when she got back to her room and sat on her bed, Bluie and Rarity are still a little awkward around each other, at least when they aren't talking about fancy clothes, but at least they aren't screw-you-forever-I-hate-your-stupid-face enemies anymore. Shiny's totally awkward too sometimes, and he still has plenty of friends!

She was sure it would work out. Maybe. Probably.

Idly looking around the room, she caught sight of the single, purple rose she kept from that tasty bouquet, sitting in a little vase on her window sill. Maybe she could have just planted it somewhere, but then the vase would be empty and she wouldn't have any mementos of the vase-stuck-on-her-face, flower-chomping resolution to that serious problem! She didn't always keep things to remember things happening, but her usual method of taking pictures was harshly vetoed this time for 'evidence' reasons. But nobody would suspect a flower!

Giggling, she flopped down on her bed, smiling at that flower as she drifted off to sleep.

Author's Note

Who specifically pulled off the table trick when nopony was looking, I leave to your imagination.

Bonus Chapter 1: A Tricky Tale

It was a quiet afternoon in Nirvana, with hardly anypony in the building, which made it a great place for Doctor and Ditzy to share tales of their latest exploits together.

"-which is when the snowman melted."

"Snow-pony," Ditzy corrected.

"Technically, it was a snow-minotaur at the time."

Ditzy blinked twice, unable to respond before the front door flew open with a startling crash, revealing an annoyed, but familiar face.

"Trixie will tell you what really happened!"

Doctor tilted his head. "With the snow-minotaur?"

Her rage receding, it was Trixie who blinked in confusion. "Wha-? No," she said while pacing closer, "between Trixie's relatively new friend Rarity and her very-long-time beloved; The Pointy Prince, The-"

"I hate to interrupt your title list, but you're kind of late."

"...Huh?"

"The whole thing was kind of resolved already. We more or less got the details of the story through implication and nopony really cares much anymore."

Standing in silence, the righteous fury slowly melted out of Trixie's face and posture, her eyes growing watery. "But... b-but, Trixie came all this way when she heard..."

Heartstrings gently plucked, Doctor and Ditzy smiled in sympathy, the latter patting the seat next to her. "You could tell us about it anyway."

Trixie beamed.

The sky was red, clouds of dust and debris were hurled through the howling wind as a storm raged overhead. Valiantly had Prince Blueblood ascended to the jagged peak of Mount Perilous, clad in a full suit of glittering, golden armor, barring a helmet, for no metallic casing could contain the voluminous wonder of his flowing mane or the virile rigidity of his massive horn!

...What? Why are you making those faces?

N-no reason!

Hm...

At the top of the mountain, Blueblood strode confidently into the lair of the towering, black dragon, its shining scales a match for his own armor, but not for his gleaming smile as it sneered down at him through glowing, red eyes. Raising his telekinetically-held sword and shield, he marched forward without preamble, and the battle of the century began! Fire and spells flew, claw and blade clashed and clanged, but the dragon proved to be no match for the vigorous intensity of his powerful thrusts!

There!

Huh?

You're doing it again, Ditzy!

M-must be the lighting in here... haha...

...Well, anyway-

When the time came to strike the final blow, The Most Merciful Prince sheathed his sword, deeming the dragon a worthy opponent.

Then Rarity showed up, shouting "HEY!! I didn't pretend to be a beleaguered damsel just so you could spare the dragon, I took advantage of your limitless grace so you'd kill it and I could swipe its hoard!"

Blueblood and his new friend the dragon shared a look before the latter sent Rarity tumbling out of the cave and down the mountainside with a flick of its tail. The nuisance dealt with, they took off into the heavens, Blueblood riding atop the dragon's back as they soared majestically through the now-bright and sunny skies!

"And that's how it happened!"

Trixie took a long sip from her drink as Ditzy raised an eyebrow. It only took her an extra second of effort, but she managed to direct one of those eyes at Doctor. "Well, I've heard weirder stories, but didn't you say you were staying away from Ponyville until you were the 'Greatest, MOST Powerful Trixie, the best magic pony in the whole world'?"

Trixie nodded. "Yes, but this establishment-" she turned to smile at the bartender, "which is lovely by the way!" She won a smile back. "-is on the road between Ponyville and Horsefield, not in Ponyville."

"True," Doctor said with a grin, "but your beloved does still drop by sometimes."

There was a silence as Trixie went very, very still. She still hadn't mastered teleport, but one wouldn't know it with the speed at which she shot out of the building.

Looking at Trixie's mostly-finished drink, the bartender tilted their head. "Uhh, is she comin' back to pay for that, or...?"

They waited a minute, but Trixie did not return. Ditzy sighed. "Just put it on my tab."

"You don't have one," chuckled Doctor, "you never drink!"

"Oh!"

She blushed a little at her spacey moment, but the drink was paid for ordinarily.

Author's Note

I figure Ditzy just gets some kind of juice when she goes to Nirvana. You are now picturing her sipping from a bendy-straw.

Bonus Chapter 2: Remember She Likes THOSE Books

In the week following the whole rumor debacle, Blueblood dropped by the Carousel Boutique to claim the suit he'd been promised.

"The craftsmanship really is something," Blueblood said as he looked himself over in the new tuxedo, "it's really only lacking in minute details!"

"Why thank you, I-" The proprietor's smile froze, then went very, very rigid as she forced herself to giggle. "Excuse me, what was that last part?"

"Oh, nothing," he said with a chuckle, "it's just now that I'm actually able to look at one of your designs up close, I can see the tiny, but numerous imperfections, like the inelegant angling of the buttons, or one sleeve of the jacket being just a few millimeters longer than the other. Not to worry, though, nopony can expect Canterlot Quality™ out of a Ponyville establishment."

Teeth clenched and one eye twitching, Rarity managed to hold the smile. "Haha, funny, then, because that might explain why you were sent here. Certainly can't have a Canterlot Quality™ prince who behaves so boorishly, belittling ponies' work and insulting them to their face."

His own fake smile much more rehearsed through many, many high society parties, he chuckled again. "Ohh, I wasn't insulting anypony. If I wished to insult them, I might say that their mane style was fashionable ten years ago, but today makes them look like an out-of-touch tart trying too hard to fit in with the Elite crowd."

Visibly burning with barely-suppressed rage, Rarity stepped closer, her 'civil' smile barely intact. "Oh? That would be amusing, especially if it were to come from a pony who just lets their mane fall anywhere like a ragged mess!"

A nerve struck, so did Blueblood. "Then it is a pity that no such sentiment was expressed by any such pony, for the only thing resembling such a style, for those unversed in mane care-" Rarity flinched as though she'd been slapped, "-would be the very deliberately-styled windswept look, for those who could tell a swept look from an unstyled one when they saw it. Pity such ponies are in such short supply, is it not?"

Breathing heavily, Rarity's eyes narrowed. "You cad."

And they launched at each other, hooves scraping against the other's fur as their lips locked, tongues furiously-

Oh, good grief, Sister...

"What?" Still holding the little white unicorn figures she'd been using for demonstration purposes, Princess Celestia hadn't lost her smile. "Hasn't anything like that happened yet?"

Standing next to the mortified Princess Luna, who tried in vain to cover her flushed face with one hoof, Blueblood answered in a tired deadpan. "No, though I should have known how you would respond to those ridiculous stories."

"You think that is bad," Luna muttered, "try living with her!"

Blueblood smiled a little. "Been there, done that."

Sharing understanding, sympathetic looks, the two giggled, but Celestia silently confirmed that things remained chaste between her nephew and the seamstress. She was still rooting for Trixie, but that didn't make the thought of a dramatic fling any less exciting!

Author's Note

In hindsight, I should have published this one first. :derpyderp2:

Chapter 5: Sinister Intentions

Seriousness seriously wasn't working.

That was what Pinkie had deduced as she thought about how she'd run (pronked) all over town very seriously asking ponies if they knew anything about what she was now referring to as the Nopony-Knows-What-The-Hay-Happened-But-Darned-If-They-Aren't-All-Talking-About-It Incident, and if anything? More ponies were talking about it than when she started!

There were bad words Pinkie could have shouted, but she didn't like to swear, so she instead put a cardboard box on her head and made really angry faces. Nopony could be upset by faces they couldn't see, so this helped get her angries out and gave her a quiet place to think at the same time!

And think she did, going down the list of ways she knew how to get ponies to talk about things and how to do them in reverse. Go around telling everypony about Blueblood and Rarity while talking backwards? No. Bake a cake with a message on it, then eat it before anypony saw it? No. Throw a big, "Hey, have ya heard about Bluie and Rarity?" party and not invite anypony? She wasn't sure her heart could take it. Sing a happy song about it that nopony can hear? She lifted the box off her head and listened...

...No song there, mission accomplished!

Smiling, she jumped out the window of her bedroom atop Sugarcube Corner, bounced off the carefully-placed trampoline next to the glass of water, and pronked through the market district!

Ten seconds later, she determined Operation Silent Song to be a failure, because ponies were definitely still talking about it. That was okay, because she'd had another idea on the way! Procuring a big ol' stack of papers, she balanced them on her back and headed off to the local school. They wouldn't mind if she used the printing press in the basement for a while, or at least, they didn't when she got all those flyers for Rainbow and Lightning (and Thunderlane)'s big race made.

The coast was clear when she got there, but spy movie theme-tunes were hummed anyway as she crept up to the machine to get started with the typewriter. As she got to work, however, she could hear little voices on the playground outside. Pinkie had to work fast, even the foals were talking about this!

"And that's why Mom says I can't be within five meters of you," said Diamond Tiara with a smug smile, "your sister's just too much of a rock-sick indulence."

"That's 'toxic influence,' Di," whispered Silver Spoon.

"Don't spoil the moment, Silver."

The target of this sentiment, Sweetie Belle, narrowed her eyes, her retort not unmarred by a familiar squeak. "That is such a load of -horse-apples!"

Standing by her side, her two friends put a hoof on her shoulder each in an attempt to calm her down. "C'mon, Sweetie, does it even matter what Diamond's mama says?"

"Yea," concurred Scootaloo, "I mean, if anything? Having to stay away from her sounds like a free win."

"No," growl-squeaked Sweetie, "I'll tell you what really happened!"

A calm and peaceful day it was at Town Hall, where Rarity Belle, benevolent philanthropist and all-around good sister (except for her seriously weird taste in ice-cream), took time out of her busy day to help set things up for the Summer Sun Celebration. But then, lightning crackled outside as dark clouds swept in, bringing with them the cold, cruel air surrounding the sinister stallion, Prince Blueblood, as he threw open the doors! The place went all black and white and everything!

(No parody this time, just a bit of recommended theme music for the scene.)
[youtube=yol5hDULXWE]

Garbed in a cape and top-hat as black as night, and his heart, he twirled his equally dark and sinister moustache before pointing a hoof at Rarity as his lips moved.

"What be this? An unguarded maiden upon which to exert my nefarious influence? 'Tis a splendid day for villainy!"

Turning to face the sinister stranger, Rarity needed only a second to know he was scum, but chose to take the high road of politeness, like a proper lady and a good example to fillies everywhere. Her lips moved too.

"Good day, visitor. I stand amidst the labors set before me for the sake of Her Highness, whom no decent pony would wish to disappoint. Could assisting this venture be of interest to you?"

Flapping his cape once in sinister fashion, he stepped forward and sneered as his lips moved again.

"Bah! Party preparations of petty princesses are a fortnight from my thoughts, which lie only in immediate self-satisfaction!"

While a little flock of birds flew in the window to put a wreath of lovely flowers on her head, Rarity's lips moved.

"I say, such ghastly behavior!"

He threw his sinister head back and made laughing motions. Sinister laughing motions!

"Mua, ha, ha, ha! Yes, and in the name of my own foulness, I would see that you joined me in realms of dark depravity, in things Miss Cheerliee makes us write "I will stop asking about that in class" on the chalkboard for!"

The kind lady gasped.

"Egad! You seek to make me an accessory to your wicked ways?!"

Blueblood stepped forward, grabbed her by the hoof with one of his own, motioned to the ceiling, then to the floor, then out the nearest window, looked straight up at the ceiling while making circling motions with his free hoof, and looked back at Rarity with a sinister smile, his lips moving the entire time.

"Yes!"

Rarity struck him across the face with a hoof as her lips moved.

"I will never be yours, villian!"

He drew back, the movement of his mouth masked by his sinister cloak as he held it just over his snout like a vampire.

"Curses, foiled in my efforts at debauchery! I shall be off, then, but not before I torment your town further!"

And then he went away, off to darken other doorways with his sinister... darkening! Meanwhile, Rarity finished baking cookies for all the good little foals.

Done fuming, Sweetie Belle took a deep breath before she noticed the odd looks she was getting. "...What?"

"That is not how it happened," deadpanned Rumble, "and I know this because I've met your sister and Blueblood. And so have you. Do you remember either of them acting anything like that?"

She touched a hoof to her chin in thought. "Umm... No, not really." There was a silence on the playground. She shrugged. "I guess it didn't happen that way, then."

Diamond facehoofed. "See? This is why mom says you're a bad influence!" She turned to walk away, motioning for her friend to follow her. "C'mon, Silver."

She didn't get far before noticing the distinct lack of loyal hoofsteps behind her. Sighing, she turned to find Silver staring at the floor and blushing. Again. Diamond snapped her out of it by lightly yanking one of her pigtails.

"Gyahwhahuh?!" Looking at Diamond, she connected the dots and smiled sheepishly. "Haha. Sorry."

Rolling her eyes, Diamond kept her voice down. "You're lucky they're distracted."

Turning to look at Rumble, Dinky, and the CMC, the two found them to be in the middle of another story, this one courtesy of Scootaloo.

"-but Blueblood thought Lightning Dust was better, so they started fighting about who was more awesome and-"

"Wait," interrupted Dinky, "Lightning Dust got here a long time after the Summer Sun Celebration."

"Oh." She shrugged. "Welp, that shoots down that theory."

"Ferget stories," said Applebloom, "let's focus on the important stuff; like how to get our cutie marks!"

The trio departed, leaving Rumble and Dinky alone. Not certain when Diamond and Silver slipped away, Rumble turned to the filly that hadn't mysteriously vanished. "So, what do you think happened?"

Dinky shrugged. "Do you really want to spend your childhood pondering what happened between two grown-ups that, for all intents and purposes, seem to be having a petty feud the likes of which we commonly see here on the playground?"

"Uh... Probably not. Wanna go play in the sandbox?"

"Sure!"

Lacking reason to be outside amid the looks and whispers, Prince Blueblood and Shining Armor elected to remain at Golden Oaks today, giving that confusing card game another go.

"Y'know, Blue, I've been thinking."

"A welcome change, Shining."

"Funny. You said some very hurtful things to half of Ponyville and made up with pretty much the whole town in a day, and I was even there when you apologized to Pinkie Pie. That in mind, I'm not exactly asking what happened between you two, but do you really hate Rarity so much that that one incident really singles her out as not worth even trying to mend fences with?"

Prince sighed, and not just because the rulebook to that card game Shining showed them had another subsection. Confusing though it might have been, it was a surprisingly engaging passtime! "It wasn't just that one time, I've been finding more reasons to avoid her since we got to town..."

Death.

That was the golden ideal at that moment, the melodious sound of the word a promise from the heavens as Blueblood lay on the ground, choking and hacking and wishing his stomach would just explode and end it already. Alas, he was given no choice but to persist through the horrors of living, the awareness that somehow, someday, he may again face a trial like this one as haunting to him as visions of a purple, starry hat in the corners of his sight.

Applebloom, feeling a bit of deja vu, had to ask. "You okay, Mister Blue?"

Scootaloo tilted her head. "He doesn't look okay." Eyebrow raised, she turned to Sweetie Belle. "Where'd you get that 'toast,' anyway? I know we all said we'd bring something to Pinkie's party today, but your dish is gonna make ponies sick."

"Uh-" Sweetie smiled sheepishly, just a hint of a blush visible as she started to sweat, "w-well, I kinda forgot until the last minute, so I asked Rarity to help me!"

It's from Her, thought the not-dying Prince, of course it's from Her...

Shining looked skeptical. "Bad cooking? Seriously?"

"It was much worse than 'bad,' thank you! And that's not even the worst offence!"

Today's word was 'Hideous,' but luckily had no relation to anything entering his body.

There beyond the window of Carousel Boutique stood what could only be called an abomination, a grotesque, misshapen, ugly thing of strands and sharp edges strewn randomly about and colors that would make a swamp hydra sick. The bulk of the thing was just a mass of hanging lumps, like a bunch of burlap sacks strapped together. Blueblood couldn't decide if it was just a crime against all things of good taste, or highway robbery on top of it, because the article that irked him most hung off the monstrosity like a proud banner:

A price tag. One hundred and twenty bits. She was selling this horrific thing.

What was the right thing to do? Break in, tear the garment to shreds? Board up the shop's windows and get a nice 'Condemned' sign to hang up? Burn it to the ground, hope nopony is inside? He couldn't decide, but as he knew that no law enforcement in Equestria would get off their flanks for crimes of fashion, he simply broke line of sight and forced himself to walk away, hoping that the hideous thing would never see the light of day.

Questionably former royal guard Shining Armor looked almost offended. "'Get off their'...? Is this why you sneered at me that day?"

Questionably former royal jerk who took clothing a little too seriously Prince Blueblood tinted red. "I'll admit that I may have overreacted, but count yourself lucky that you never had to see the thing!"

Shining rolled his eyes. "So, she made some really bad toast and a really bad outfit. Is that all?"

"Let's not forget the time-" he briefly stopped to glance around the room, "...the time Trixie came to town. I know she talked to that purple-maned strumpet at some point, and it was probably her that put even stranger ideas in Trixie's head."

Remembering something about weird ideas about what to do with horns, Shining blushed and looked away. "Err, y-yea, guess you might have a point there." He grinned nervously. "Say, you're not remotely interested in getting involved with Trixie, right?"

It was very, very hard to notice, but Blueblood paled. "What?! No! Why would you even think of such a thing?!"

Smiling a little more calmly now, Shining returned his attention to the card game. "No reason, Blue. No reason."

Content though he was to forget about the insane, possibly perverted stage magician, Shining wondered how Rarity was handling this situation.

"I simply can't thank you enough for taking me up here, Cherry Berry."

Cherry chuckled. "You kinda already did when you paid me, Rarity."

"Maybe so, but I really did need to get away from town for a while. Besides, a balloon ride is nothing to take for granted!"

High above Ponyville, Rarity sat in the basket of a hot air balloon owned by her fellow entrepreneur; a pink earth pony with a blonde mane. Most of her business came from ponies (with one means or another of walking on clouds) seeking rides up to Cloudsdale, but Rarity was one of few who just liked riding in a balloon sometimes. However, her mirth began to slip away when an awkward silence descended over the basket, broken by Cherry.

"Sooo..."

Not looking away from the slightly spoiled vista, Rarity sighed. "You're going to ask about Blueblood, aren't you?"

"I've been trying not to get involved with the gossip all that much, but it's like... Well, I've never really known you to hold a grudge, so... Gotta ask, what makes this guy so bad?"

Taking a slow breath through her nose, Rarity compiled everything she'd seen of the stallion since the Summer Sun Celebration. "Well..."

"When I find you, I'll make paste of your hooves!!"

The shout from outside her bedroom window made Rarity jump, glancing out her window to see Prince Blueblood facing some bushes.

"Just you wait, you little troglodytes, because when I catch you, your families won't recognize the remains!"

Appalled, Rarity held a hoof to her mouth in shock.

Good gracious, is he talking to foals?! What kind of monster threatens little colts and fillies?!

Hearing Sweetie Belle open the door, Rarity quickly shut her window with a spell. "Sweetie, I want you to stay inside for a while."

Blinking twice, Sweetie smiled. "Sure thing, I was just gonna ask you if you could help me with a project."

It may have been sisterly instinct, but the sight of Sweetie's wide, innocent eyes just tickled something in Rarity's heart. "Of course, dear, what did you have in mind?"

Cherry tilted her head. "...Well? What did she have in mind?"

"We were talking about my disinclination to forgive Blueblood," deadpanned Rarity, "stay focused, please?"

Remembering that now, Cherry blushed at how easily she'd been side-tracked. "Right. Sorry. What else did he do?"

"Do you recall that race in the storm, not too long ago?"

Bravado made ponies do the strangest things! Honestly, Rarity of all ponies could understand supporting Foal Hope however necessary, but racing through a particularly intense storm was simply begging for somepony to get hurt! Rarity wouldn't stick around for that, however, she'd simply make her contribution and return to her safe, dry home.

That was the plan until she'd caught sight of Blueblood standing before a trembling filly just across the field. She couldn't see his face at this angle, but there was no doubt in her mind that it was cruel and malicious, because the filly-scout in front of him trembled as though he were Nightmare Moon herself! Her eyes narrowing, Rarity stormed over (no pun intended) to give him a piece of her mind, but was stopped by somepony she recognized.

"Why Rarity," announced a purple unicorn stallion with a short, wavy white mane, "Fancy meeting you here!"

Smiling a little, she tried to step past him. "Yes, hello Clinking Coin, good to see you too, now-"

He matched her pace, unwittingly standing between her and the innocent filly scout in trouble. "And it is good to see you, Miss Rarity! How much might we be expecting from you in the Foal Hope endeavor?"

"W-well, I'll make my donation momentarily, but-"

"Ohh, you can tell me, we're friends, aren't we?"

She tried to tilt her head to catch sight of Blueblood and the foal, but wasn't having any luck. "Oh, certainly, but-"

"Then come along," he said while hooking a forehoof around her neck in friendly fashion, leading her away, "you can tell me all about it at the donation booth!"

Looking almost frantically over her shoulder, Rarity felt her heart settle down a little when she caught sight of the filly scout smiling contentedly. Blueblood was still there, but as any trace of fear in the foal had vanished, it seemed the issue had settled itself. She breathed a sigh of relief as Clinking Coin led her to the booth.

"And then there's whatever he did to that poor showpony, Trixie, I think her name was!"

Cherry Berry scratched her head. "So, you hate him because he doesn't like foals, and because of that lunatic in the purple hat?"

"He clearly must have done something to her, warping her mind into thinking he was husband material!"

It may have even been what he tried to do to me, she thought with a hint of remorse, part of her wishing she'd controlled her temper and talked to Trixie rather than storming off. The balloon was again quiet, making Rarity at last turn to face Cherry, one eyebrow raised. "No comment?"

Cherry smiled sheepishly. "Well, hey, I don't know what happened with you, or Trixie, but some ponies just don't really like foals all that much, y'know? Did you ever think he wasn't really going to hurt them, just wanted them to leave him alone?"

Turning away again, Rarity huffed. "I can't say for sure, and that alone worries me deeply."

Not sure what else to say, Cherry shrugged, letting Rarity enjoy the rest of the balloon ride in peace. Plus, if she wasn't interested in one of Ponyville's unmarried stallions, who was Cherry to complain?

Author's Note

If Rarity seems particularly conscious of foals here, it wasn't exactly intentional. Considering that her parents seem to have dumped Sweetie Belle on her for the duration, I'll roll with it, but Sweetie's story ended up being slightly more accurate than a late Gabby Gums article.