Chapter 1: Not Really Evil, Just Really Stupid
“Two aces and three kings,” Sombra said with a satisfied smirk on his face, sliding his cards on the table for all desperate eyes to see. He couldn’t help but chuckle as loud as his lungs could manage from the sounds of all the disgruntled groans around him, followed soon with curses and cards being thrown all across the table.
Sombra collected his winnings of several dozen golden doubloons and rubies from the occupants around him, all of which were horrifying demons and the odd deceased lawyer or two. That’s the type of crowd you draw when you play poker in the endless dark abyss of the netherworlds.
The card table was a simple slab of stone held in place by a dismembered dragon’s claw, while the chairs were similar slabs along with what could only be presumed the claws of the dragon’s children. The demons were from all walks of unlife: there was the carnivore horses with razor-sharp fangs that were big fans of buffalo wings (which were rarer than you’d think), which they of course set on fire before chowing down, then there were those kelpie fellows who always seemed to stink of the sea and entrails, and then the party was complete with the resident nuckelavee, which seemed to be some odd combination of a horse and a monkey, both of whom were completely skinless and always seemed to be complaining of a draft.
“Ante up, boys, I’m feeling lucky today! I knew my winning streak would improve after a couple of centuries!” Sombra clapped his hooves together, smiling a devious grin while licking his lips at the sight of all the more winnings he could acquire: diamonds and crystals and magical swords of immeasurable power—oh yes—they’d all be his.
“You should think about quitting while you’re still ahead, chum. Winning streaks don’t last often ‘round this parts,” the dealer said, flicking him a new duo of cards. The dealer, of course, was a deceased lawyer that took on the form that wasn’t much different from his earthly counterpart: a leech with flaming pants. The dealer’s eyes—or rather the twin incredibly dark pearls that sucked out all light, hope, and happiness within the vicinity—focused on Sombra with a frown. “Unless of course you think you’re lucky.”
Sombra didn’t even flip over his cards yet, instead absently fiddling with one of the many towers of gold stacked around him like armrests for a throne. “Lucky? I was born lucky. I’m a king, ruler of an entire nation, and at the moment, immensely wealthy. Sure, I was thrown into a deep, dark abyss for an undisclosed amount of time.” Sombra’s winning smile skipped a beat and frowned for a mere moment. “Then I kinda dragged my entire country down with me.” Now a grimace was overtaking his lips. “And, of course, I’ve been playing poker with a bunch of demonic freaks and eldritch abominations for who knows how long.” Sombra laughed, his smirk now back and bigger than ever. “And I’m winning for once! If that isn’t luck, I don’t know what is!”
The dealer grunted, a trail of brimstone smoke puffing out of his nostrils and pants. “I call it dementia.”
“What?”
“Nothing. You in or what?”
Sombra leaned down close and flipped over his cards for the quickest of moments, a sinister and incredibly creepy giggle leaving his lips while his eyes glinted with glee. “Oh yes, I do believe I’m in.” Sombra pushed forward his entire pile of winnings. “All in.”
Cries of woe and calls of ‘dirty, dirty cheater’ could be heard all around as the various monsters, abominations, demonic figures, and ghostly lawyers threw their cards on the table. All except for one.
Him.
“So, Discord, it looks like it’s come down to this,” Sombra said. “You keep on sneaking out of your stone prison just to lose?”
Discord tipped his fedora, his eyes glowering with dubious intentions in the shadows. The draconequis of all things nasty and Spirit of just about everything related and subjected under the derestriction of Chaos appeared in his usual demeanor of mysterious cunning and lollipop between his lips. “Nah. I came to win. It’s so dreadfully boring up there.”
“Celestia still a fatso?”
Discord sniggered. “Even more so!”
Sombra rolled his eyes. “Not really surprised. What about Luna? Or should I say ‘the all-powerful and suuuuuuuuuper scaaaaaaary Nightmare Moon?’” Sombra gagged and pointed at his forked tongue. “Jeez, can you think of anything more cliche?”
“Oh, she finally got out of time out. Still a bit of an overdramatic…” Discord’s eyes glinted in the dim light. “But I didn’t come to chit-chat, now did I?”
“No sir. You came to lose,” Sombra said, resting a hoof against the table to lean back in his seat. Sombra showcased his cards. “Read ‘em and weep, boys. Two queens, otherwise known as an Equestrian government. Ha!”
“Two kings,” Discord said, throwing his cards on the table and laughing. He pointed both fingers at Sombra and made a ‘pew, pew’ noise. “Otherwise known as cowboys atop a mountain! Looks like your luck is over, partner! Ahahahaha!”
“Noooooooooooooooo!” Sombra bemoaned, watching his beautiful prize of winnings dragged away. “My money! I could have bought so many things with that! So many things!” Sombra looked around at the never ending darkness and gloom that surrounded him. A few unlucky spirits sent down there to be tortured for all of eternity screamed in the background, probably for all of eternity. “Or at least have felt better about myself...”
“Well, then you ain’t gonna feel good about this,” the dealer said, before wrapping a meaty fist around Sombra’s neck and bringing him in close. Leech’s had a surprisingly strong grip for something that had no bones. “Those winnings were supposed to pay off your tab for the past millennium. Now how you planning to not get your knees broken?”
Tapping at the meaty fist repeatedly so he could breathe, Sombra gulped in a large breath of air before he sputtered, “Wait! I know how to get you the money!” Sombra gulped. “Do you take giant crystal hearts as payment?”
“Yeah, sure.” The dealer shrugged. “Just no Vista.”
Sombra smirked, a little blue around the edges. “Then I have the perfect idea. To pay you back. Without breaking my knees.”
“You better,” the dealer said, releasing his grip. “Or else I’ll break every bone in your body.”
Sombra rolled his eyes. “Pfft. Yeah, sure. Like that’s gonna happen.” He got up and made a break for it to the ticket out of that dank cesspit in the middle of Tartarus.
Surprisingly enough, all it took was taking the back exit to the place after two left turns. Who knew?
“Ahhhhhhhhhh—damnit, the paaaaaaaain!” Sombra cried profusely.
“Jeez, what happened to him?” the dealer asked, slithering to the sounds of girlish screaming.
A large group of demonic horses had gathered around Sombra, who had been dumped down some hole in the cavernous sky a few minutes ago. The dealer pushed them all out of the way, only to be met with one of the most sickening images he had ever seen—which was certainly saying something for a demonic, deceased lawyer leech.
Sombra was all over the place. Literally. His entire body had been broken several thousand times into individual pieces, most of which had been attached back to the main body with… super glue. From Discord himself, no less.
“There we go, good as new!” Discord said. He wiped off some sweat, but got his talon stuck to his forehead due to extra glue extract. “I mean, not really, but at least I didn’t have to use a stapler.”
“Everything hurts! Utter agony! Pain incomparable! Extrusion to the highest degree!” Sombra stopped for several seconds, then added, “I can’t even come up with a fourth thing because of how much it hurts!”
Sombra looked like a puzzle that had been put back together by some blind four year old that lacked basic fine motor-skills. Also, hands. His entire body had been put back together in a haphazard fashion that disregarded basic pony anatomy or even common sense. All in all, not even a train wreck appeared as big as a disaster as Sombra did now.
“Wait, Sombra, I have an important question for ya,” the dealer said, leaning by his side. Sombra painstakingly moved his head to stare in the dealer’s horrifying face. “Did you get the Crystal Heart?”
“A small dragon and a pink princess pony stopped me,” Sombra replied.
The dealer sighed. “I thought so. Well, more like expected.” He looked to Discord. “How long until the glue is completely dry?”
Discord rubbed his chin and hummed under his breath for a good amount of time. “I’d say… right now, actually.”
“Great.” The dealer got up and shouted, “Someone bring me my crowbar!”
“What?” Sombra spat out, despite the immense amount of agony.
“I did say I’d break your knees if you didn’t pay me back.”
“But my knees and every other bone in my body was already broken!” Sombra said.
The dealer shrugged, hefting the crowbar in his slimy hands and taking a few practice swings. “Yeah, I know. That sucks. But like they said, life isn’t fair, and dying doesn’t make it any better.”
“Wait, wait, please, can’t we talk about—
Crunch!
“—AHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Pow!
“MY LEGS! MY LEEEEEEEEGS!”
Bam!
“AHHHH—oh, wait, I think my shoulder just got popped back in place.”
Crack!
“WAIT NO IT’S WORSE NOW! MUCH WORSE!”
