Life is a Party

by the dobermans

Rating: mature
Tags: Tragedy, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Rainbow Dash, Horror, Pinkie Pie
Length: 6549

Pinkie Pie gives Rainbow Dash a new outlook on life. Then kills her.

Pinkie Pie invites Rainbow Dash to try out her new secret baking recipe. Whatever could it be?

Cupcakes reboot written under self-imposed duress for the TMMDG2 contest. Do not read if you are depressed or sensitive to gore.

Brief review by Present Perfect.

Published 2015-01-26 07:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-26 07:40:01 UTC

Cupcakes Reflux

Summer had come again to the land of Equestria, and this one was as fierce as dragon’s breath. Already the heat of its oven lingered through the night and small hours, stewing the valleys and fields below the white mountain spires of Canterlot. The chorus of tree frogs and crickets that greeted each day was fading as sunbeams twinkled between more and more of the hazy peaks.

Dark wings rustled above the layer of fog that swirled through the waking forests, bearing a weary traveler to the final appointment of her watch. Her wise green eyes searched the stillness, marking each shadowed window and door. Nothing stirred on the silent lawns and patios of Ponyville. All her children were at peace. All but one.

Her silver shod hooves touched down on the cobblestones of the empty streets with a quadruple click. Ahead, a single chimney billowed sweet smoke out into the rising mist. Follow your nose, the letter that brought her had said.

She folded her tired wings, pondering the terrors she had vanquished that night. The workaday anxieties of mortals, transformed by slumber into monsters and demons. She smiled, shaking her dewy, glittering head. All her foals, her poor, sweet ponies. And there was one more, bewildered by troubles so subtle, it seemed, that she had failed to scry them with her midnight magics.

She cleared her throat and raised a hoof. Three raps on the wooden back door of Sugarcube Corner rang out and were swallowed in the thick morning air.

The door opened outward, creaking on rusty springs. A grinning, shaggy-headed pink mare appeared at the threshold.
“Greetings, Pinkie Pie. I have come as you requested.”

Pinkie grinned wider, holding the door open while her visitor stepped inside. “Thank you so much, Princess! Are you a sight for sore eyes? I think I’m starting to feel better already. Come on in! I’m really sorry about your guards, but … well … no offense, they’re a little on the creepy side. Hope you weren’t ambushed by a multitude of maniacal manticores, or a cabal of carnivorous cobras and had to fight your way hoof and jaw by yourself in the pitch dark to get here.”

“Worry not about the guards; they frighten me too sometimes. And the morning mist was the only foe with whom I did battle. This is a baking shoppe, is it not? ‘Follow your nose’ indeed.”

“It sure is! Best razzleberry pies this side of anywhere. And Sugarcube parties are the best parties.” Pinkie leaned in and whispered behind her hoof, “P.S.: I cater!”

The princess chuckled and looked over the dining area. “Is there someplace here where we might sit and talk? Choose a place that’s comfortable for you. Many ponies find it difficult to express their emotions and their secret fears. It is no cause for shame to require a special place, or food, or favored object to speak of private matters.”

Pinkie scratched her head. After a moment, she pointed past a barrel filled with giant lollipops and candy canes. “Uh, let’s go sit at one of the tables. The customers don’t usually start coming in until at least an hour after Gummy starts gumming my face, and that’s usually about half an hour after my morning smile calisthenics, and that’s approximately ten minutes after my mane pulls me kicking and screaming out of bed. So plenty of time! Oh, I don’t know if I’d, uh, feel at ease by the window. You never know when an apple cart will crash through and squash you like a tomato. That one by the cupboard? Sure! Here Princess, let me get your seat.”

The princess tucked her tail around her black-spotted haunches and sat down. “Many thanks, Pinkie Pie. You are too kind. Now, child, what is it that is frightening you? You wrote of nightmares in your letter. Do you remember anything of their substance? Are you anxious about some future event? Or are you troubled, perhaps, by bad memories?”

A faint bell sounded in another room. Pinkie turned and looked to a set of double swing doors. “Oops! Looks like they’re ready. Do you mind if we eat something before we start? The Cakes are away buying sugar in Fillydelphia to restock the pantry, so I had to skip breakfast and do all the bookkeeping work they normally do. I used new math. Hope they don’t mind. Ponies in Ponyville sure do love sugar!” She hopped away without waiting for an answer.

Before the double doors stopped swinging she had returned, carrying a covered silver tray on her back and balancing a polished tea set on her head. She set the items down on the table.

“Your repast, madame. Oven fresh and ready for sharing. They’ve been waiting so long to meet you, and I know you’ll love getting to know them too.”

The princess raised an eyebrow and lifted the domed lid of the tray. “An odd turn of phrase,” she said, peering down at the offering. An array of piping hot cake slices were arranged in a spiral, sprinkled with confectioner’s sugar. Each had a dollop of brown and orange frosting.

Pinkie Pie poured two cups of tea and sat down. “It’s pumpkin pound cake! Give them a try!” She grasped a slice between her hooves and held it out for her companion.

The princess took it in her sparkling shoe, her nostrils flaring over the curling steam. She smiled at Pinkie and took a bite.

Pinkie clasped her hooves together and smiled back. “Yum! Sweet as can be, right?” Her eyes flicked upward. “Now, what are we going to do about that horn?”

***

Rainbow Dash strode through the breezy entrance of Sugarcube Corner, wiping the sweat from her brow with her wingtips. “Whew!” she said, nodding as her friend Flitter passed her with a bag of sweets in her mouth. “Hey, stay hydrated out there. The higher ups are calling for showers, but that’s not until late afternoon. Might be a good time to do some quality control on the pond water. You know, a real hooves-on analysis. Wouldn’t want ponies swimming in inferior water, right?” She smirked and held out her hoof.

Flitter smiled back and gave it a bump. “Mmm hmm,” she mumbled as she walked out into the heat.

Rainbow continued on into the shop. Pinkie Pie was behind the front counter, sliding a pile of golden bits into a sack. “‘Sup Pinkie? Sorry I’m late. I had to show a couple of falcons who’s boss of the skies around here. And go figure, it’s me! So what’cha got goin’ on? Party this weekend? Party tonight?”

Pinkie threw the sack of bits over her shoulder, toppling a bowl of candied fruit off of a shelf behind her. “Rainbow Dash, you made it! Step right up, my fine feathered friend, have I got a treat for you!”

Rainbow flew the rest of the way to the counter. “Treat? I love treats, especially when they’re made by Equestria’s awesomest baker Pinkie Pie!” She leaned over the glass counter top, looking down at the display and trying to guess which of the pastries within she’d have the pleasure of tasting.

Pinkie bent down and opened the back of the counter. “You’ve got to try this new special baking mix I’ve been working on,” she said. After rummaging for a moment, she stood up, holding a small cupcake with both hooves. “This little beauty was years in the making, baked with only the tenderest, sweetest, dearest-to-my-heart ingredients in the whole wide world.”

“Years, huh?” Rainbow chuckled. She let Pinkie drop it in into her hoof and took a bite, making sure to get both the cake and the frosting.

Pinkie stared at her as if waiting for a smile.

Rainbow’s eyes grew wide. “Pinkie Pie, that … was … amazing! Oh wait, let me just …” She stuffed the rest into her mouth, her cheeks bulging as she chewed. “Sorry,” she sputtered through the blobs of cake, “just had to double check, you know?” She swallowed the bulk of it down. “You have got to tell me what you did. Is it dandelion petals? I think I tasted some rose hips in there. I’ve gotta know.”

Pinkie sniffed and brushed a tear from here eye. “This is so wonderful! I was hoping beyond hope you’d like it.” She hopped over the counter and gripped Rainbow in a crushing bear hug, lifting her off the floor and giving her neck a quick, wet nuzzle. “Come on down into my secret workshop. I’ll show you.”

Rainbow laughed and squirmed between Pinkie’s thick forelegs. “Put me down silly! I’m … fully capable of … ugh !” Rainbow kicked her legs as Pinkie squeezed her tighter and carried her through the cellar doorway.

Rainbow fought for a few more seconds, then frowned and went limp. Pinkie hugs weren’t so bad.

Down the cracked wooden steps they went, descending into the cool darkness of the cellar. Pinkie ducked their heads under a dusty, cobweb-laced crossbeam. Rainbow could hear the echoes of her friend’s hoofsteps fade as she stepped off onto a dirt floor.

Rainbow twisted her neck and tried to see what Pinkie had in her workshop. There was a long, dark-stained table under a yellow firefly lamp. Something big was next to the table, draped with empty burlap flour bags like a piece of furniture that nopony wanted to see. At the edge of her vision there was something else – a group of shadowy figures. Before she could turn the other way to find out what it was, Pinkie sat her down on the table.

Except for a muffled buzzing sound, the small room was still and silent.

Pinkie beamed, her forelegs planted on either side of where Rainbow sat. “OK, lay down and close your eyes!”

“Lay down?” Rainbow scowled, trying to see over Pinkie’s shoulder. “Can’t you just show me the ingredients? And is there somepony else back there behind you? This isn’t a surprise party, is it? ‘Cause if it is, I can’t hang out right now. I’ve got twenty-five grade B storm clouds I gotta move to Ponyville airspace by 5 o’clock sharp.”

Pinkie pouted her lip. “Please? I want you to feel like you’re floating on a dreamy cotton candy cloud when I show you. Like you’re on the tippy top of cloud nine.”

Rainbow sighed and swiveled her hind legs up onto the table. “Fine, have it your way. The things I do for my friends sometimes. Fluttershy with her butterflies, Twilight with her super-addictive books … sheesh.” She settled her back onto the table and closed her eyes.

Something cold slipped around her waist. It clamped down hard and clicked into place, pinning her to the stained wood.

“Hey!” she shouted, reaching up with all four hooves. She kicked and lurched as Pinkie pulled her legs and wings down one by one, locking them to the table with iron bands.

“Pinkie, what gives? I’m pretty sure cloud nine doesn’t come with hoof cuffs,” she growled, trying to wrestle her wings free. “Come on, Pinkie. If this is supposed to be funny, it’s, like, a negative infinity on my joke-o-meter. Let me go. I’ve got places to fly and naps to take.”

“Naps?” Pinkie chirped. She reached below the table and came up with a massive wooden mallet. “What a coincidence! It’s all coming together, yes indeedy. That’s how you know you’ve baked a good batch, when it all comes together.” She lowered the business end of the mallet in front of Rainbow’s face. “Rainbow, this is Naptime. She’s a sleep therapist. Naptime, this is my pal Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in Cloudsdale and beyond. I’m sure you’ve heard of her. Naptime helped me put the Cake twins to sleep yesterday. Just let her know when you’re ready to take a snooze, and I’m sure she’d be happy to book a session.”

Rainbow’s eyes crossed as she focused on the unpolished head of the mallet. Tufts of fine orange and brown hair were caught on the splintery underside. She could smell baby shampoo.

“P-pinkie? That’s not real. That’s not real, and you’re letting me go right now! I’m not asking. Where’s Mrs. Cake? Hey! Mrs. Cake! Mr. Cake! Can you please tell Pinkie to …”

“The Cakes?” interrupted Pinkie. “Oh, they’re right behind me. They’ve been partying down for three days straight! Here.” She turned and uncovered another firefly lamp, stepping to the side.

Nine figures stood in the weak yellow glow of the light, arranged in a loose circle. The Cakes and Pinkie Pie’s family. Their ribs stood out beneath their loose, hanging coats. Faceted rock candy sparkled where their eyes had been.

“They’re doing the Pony Pokey. The twins can’t get enough! See? They put their whole selves in!”

Pumpkin and Pound Cake had been set in the center, their little forelegs propped up in a frozen cheer. Balloons had been glued down in place of their heads. Scraps of hide from their faces were taped around them, their small features stretched and distorted.

Rainbow Dash squeezed her eyes shut. “Pinkie, that was your family.” she spoke, her voice low and shaking. “They loved you. Isn’t that … isn’t that what Maud said? We all love Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie laughed, admiring the vision of fun she had crafted. “I know they love me. Gosh Captain Obvious. They love me and I love them, better than anypony has loved anypony else in the whole arrow-shot-through-a-broken-heart history of love!”

“What are you talking about? You killed them! I can’t believe this. They were ponies, Pinkie. They had personalities. Feelings. Lives of their own. It’s wrong to hurt ponies! Everypony knows that.”

“Uhh, not sure what you mean, Dashie. I guess I could tell them apart pretty well, and they said all sorts of stuff and did all sorts of stuff, but, you know when I was scooping out their ingredients? I didn’t see anything like a personality in there. They begged and screamed and cried and told me it hurt, but I couldn’t feel anything, so for all I knew they were just messing around. Isn’t that weird? So after I took out all the squishies and the slimies, I reached my little hoofsy inside each one and tried to touch their feelings, or their minds, or souls like Daddy Pie taught us about when we were fillies, and you know what I found?”

Rainbow Dash sniffed and shook her head.

“More meat! Who we are inside is what we are inside! That’s what’s really real. No feelings. No soul. You know what that means, Dashie? It means we’re free. It means …”

Pinkie leaned close, giggling and snorting into Rainbow Dash’s ear. “Life is a party!”

Rainbow searched the room, her eyes darting from the stairs to her manacled hooves to Pinkie’s beaming face. “OK, OK. So life’s a party. Why can’t it be a fun party, with games and balloons and music, like my birthaversary? Pinkie Pie? You’re the Element of Laughter for Celestia’s sake!”

“Oh don’t worry, silly! There’ll be balloons and streamers and cake by the cartful! Especially now. Because now we’ve got something awesomely spectacular to celebrate!”

“Celebrate what? What about this craziness is worth celebrating?”

“Each other, Rainbow. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Were you daydreaming about flying, or clouds or sunshowers or whatever it is you pegasi daydream about? You were, weren’t you? My family tried to hide themselves. They smiled and laughed at my gags, sure, but I could never tell if they really truly sincerely meant it from the bottoms of their hearts. So I thought … so, so I thought, you can’t pretend when you’re bleeding! Isn’t that great? I c-cut … I cut them open one by one, slowly but surely, inch by inch, Inky and Blinky and Maud and Daddy and Mama, and I didn’t feel anything but the slimies and the squishies in my hooves, and I cried. I cried so hard and I hugged all those slimies as hard as I could because I finally knew them. My family. And then, and … and then I had the best idea of all! The crème de la crème! The icing on the cake! Well, actually, the icing and the cake.”

Rainbow felt a quick, sharp pain in her stomach. “No, Pinkie, please …”

Pinkie Pie reached behind Rainbow Dash’s head and picked up a tray of cupcakes. “Rainbow, say hi to Maud! I know you’ve met before, but this is the first time you’ve really really met. No Rainbow, not those. The ones with the gray icing and purple cream accents. Don’t you remember? It’s not rocket science. You’re not … oh geez Louise. You yakked on my best prep table! I’m not cleaning that up you know. Over here, Maud’s getting impatient. What’s that Maud? You’re offended by her unfriendly, unwelcoming, unappetizing behavior? Me too. That would never Pie in the fly household. Hee hee!”

Pinkie Pie placed the tray down and scraped a glob of regurgitated spongecake out of Rainbow’s mane. She pressed down on Rainbow’s nose with her free hoof, cutting off her air.

Rainbow began to twist in the iron bands, her eyes bulging, her chest rising and falling faster and faster as she fought not to take a breath.

“Open wide, Dashie! It’s extremely bad manners rejecting a new friend just because she’s … oh, yeah. I hadn’t thought of that. Maud’s got a point. Maybe you’re not ready to take it to that level just yet. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I’m the only one on that level, and it took me years of Pinkie thinking to get there. Here.” Pinkie rubbed her hoof clean on the edge of the table and let go of Rainbow’s muzzle.

Rainbow gasped and pushed against her bonds, swallowing again and again to clear the sour taste from her mouth.

Pinkie set her mallet down. “You have to understand, Rainbow. Why keep them all to myself? Love is meant to be shared and freely given. Well, almost free. Four bits a pop isn’t too steep. Am I right?”

Rainbow turned her face away. “You’re wrong Pinkie. What you’re doing is wrong. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have always taught us that a pony’s life is sacred, and … and they’re meant to be happy, and if they’ve found Harmony, when their time comes they go become stars and shine forever. They’re gonna punish you for this. They’re gonna …”

“Princess Luna? You mean the Princess Luna that turned into a raging monster and shot her sister out of the sky and almost killed everypony and got banished to the moon for it? I bet if anypony’s going to be a shining star it’s gonna be her, right?”
“I … that’s not … she made a mistake and we forgave …”

“You mean the Princess Luna that spends most of her time in prisons and nightmares?”

“She was captured by Tirek that one time, and comforting ponies is her …”

“You mean this Princess Luna?”

Pinkie bounced around the table to the covered object Rainbow had seen on the way in. She pulled the burlap away, revealing what had once been a flour crate. The plywood sidewalls had been pried off, and iron bars bolted to the frame. Heavy locks hung from hasps screwed to the hinged top.

Princess Luna lay asleep within the tiny makeshift cage. Her neck was bent back against itself, the side of her face pressed hard against the metal. The horn that once guided the moon and opened the hidden doors to daybreak dreams was cracked, split lengthwise and splintered midway. Blood ran from the exposed roots, branching across her battered forehead and nose. All of her legs were broken, a tangled mess of wrong angles and glistening bone.

“Oh Princess …” Rainbow moaned. She saw the source of the buzzing. Flies were skirmishing in black, hairy swarms around Luna’s drooling mouth, and under her limp, dirt-caked tail. They blotted out the crescent moon on her flank.

Pinkie kicked the cage, sending the flies into a frenzy. “Tell ya what, Dashie. If we can find a sparkly shiny star inside her royal highness, one teensy tiny feeling or thought or princess ghostie hiding anywhere in there, one that we can see and feel, I’ll let you go, and I’ll be really really really sorry and I’ll go spill my guts to whichever judge, jury and executioner you want me to. But if not,” Pinkie grinned, showing all of her teeth. “If not, you’re getting a crash course in true love friendship from the friendship guru herself!”

Rainbow Dash growled. “All right, Pinkie, enough! Think real hard about this. Do you have any idea of how much trouble you’re in? They’re gonna cream you! First of all, Luna’s an alicorn princess. You know, lives forever, rules the kingdom, leads a palace full of highly trained guards, has a really powerful big sister who loves her and can powerlift the sun … she’s pretty much a goddess, Pinkie! How are you going to stop her from squashing you when she wakes up?”

“How? Easy peasy! I’ll just shatter her ego like an eggshell, separate the yolk from the white, mix it all up with condensed milk and sugar and love, and make Key Luna Pie! Or Luna bran muffins, or, or Luna bars! Four bits per, your whole daily allowance of protein and fiber! I mean, all I did last Nightmare Night was run away from her and she crumbled like a cookie. No sweat! Then, when she’s all paralyzed with self-loathing and despair, she won’t be able to fight back. Pickled periwinkles, she’ll practically squeeze out her ingredients for me!”

She hefted her filthy mallet. “But don’t you worry you’re pretty little snout about that part,” she said, running her work-worn hoof through Rainbow’s mane. “Pinkie’s got that all taken care of. Anyway, Naptime here is going to send you off to dreamland now. You’re gonna need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for party time later.” She raised the mallet high above her head.

Rainbow Dash rocked in her manacles. “This is crazy, Pinkie! Luna’s been through more than you can imagine. She’s gonna make you answer for this. She’s gonna …”

The mallet came down.

***

Rainbow awoke to the weak trill of a baking timer. Her head hurt. She could feel a bump burning on her forehead where Pinkie had hit her. She tried to remember what had happened. There had been a scream in the darkness, and laughing and yelling, and crying, and then … then it was hard to say.

Somepony was whistling at the edges of the bleary light. Luna? A silhouette was getting bigger and bigger and …

“Oof!” Rainbow gasped as something big slammed down on top of her. The table groaned under the added weight.

It was a pony. Somepony was laying on her. Her muzzle was buried just below their jaw. She could smell sweat and saliva, wet and thick on the dark coat that was pressing into her nose.

A ragged voice whispered above her head. “I’m sorry … I’m sorry … I’m … s-so sorry …”

Rainbow looked up as best she could. A glazed green eye twitched back and forth, gazing at nothing. Luna.

“Dash, you awake?” Pinkie called.

Rainbow Dash screamed into Luna’s neck.

“Sorry, didn’t quite catch that,” said Pinkie. She put a hoof to one ear.

With a sharp twist, Rainbow slid her head out from beneath Luna’s. She could feel a fluttering heartbeat, pounding against her chest. “Princess, no, please, Princess Luna, it’s OK, talk to me girl …”

Pinkie stepped into view, her beaming face upside down in Rainbow Dash’s vision. “Yup, you’re awake! This is gonna be so much fun!”

The flies returned in twos and threes, collecting on Luna’s crusty, running nose and drool. Rainbow felt a tickle on her throbbing forehead. She started to cry, struggling for each breath against the princess’s crushing weight.

Pinkie began stroking her mane again. “Shh. OK Dash. You’re new to this, so we’re going to start you off slow and easy. Wouldn’t want another tiff like we had with Maud, right? Luna’s got some sweet, fluffy meringue she wants to share with you. Try some! If you feel any of her feelings, or think any of her thoughts, just let me know, and I’ll get you both out of here in a jiffy.”

“What … m-meringue?” Rainbow stammered.

Pinkie shook her head and pointed to Luna’s mouth. “Right there, silly!”

Rainbow craned her neck upward, her eyes inches from the side of Luna’s foaming muzzle. A drop of saliva dripped onto Rainbow’s nose.

“What? Pinkie, I can’t do this. This is weird, and I don’t like it. She’s hurt real bad. Please stop. I don’t like this.”

Pinkie giggled. “Then you admit I’m right, and we can start our Rainbow Dash fresh-out-of-the-mare-share-her-gooey-sweet-goodness cupcake baking bonanza?”

Rainbow sniffed hard and exhaled. “She won’t let this happen. I’ll feel what she’s feeling. I’ll feel something. I know I will. I’m here for you, Princess. Let’s give her what she wants, and she’ll let us go, OK? I don’t want to do this, I’m so sorry …”

Luna’s tears kept falling. Her childlike voice kept whispering, “Never … shine … moon … never …”

Rainbow blew at the fat flies that were probing and doubling up on each other on Luna’s bruised face. When enough of them jumped away, she stuck out her tongue and started to lick the foam that hung at the corners of the princess’s gaping mouth. She scrunched her face as tight as she could and swallowed. When she’d gotten the first gray lump down, she went again for the rest. She didn’t stop until the quivering jaw was clean.

Pinkie was jumping up and down, pumping her forelegs. “Well? What does it taste like? Sadness? Goddess pain? Despair? Hopelessness? Self-pity? Evil? What, what, what?”

Rainbow closed her eyes, drawing short, tearful breaths. “It tastes like spit.”

Pinkie stopped hopping. Her mane seemed to deflate, just a bit. Some of the gloss faded from the pink curls. “Really? You don’t say. I was sure it would fizz like pop rocks, or that we’d at least see some kind of magic alicorn light. I mean gosh, I beat her and emotionally tortured her for hours; you’d think there’d be just a teensy bit of feelings in that meringue. Oh well. Hey. Maybe we waited too long and all the feelings got away. Maybe if we make new ones we’ll catch them before they sneak by us. So here’s what we’ll do. Open wide!”

“Pinkie, I don’t know what you want me …”

“Open your mouth real wide. Do I have to help you?”

Rainbow Dash steadied her breathing and opened her mouth. She watched Pinkie lift Luna’s face and maneuver it overhead.
Luna moaned. Her shattered foreleg slipped as her cheek lowered into Rainbow Dash’s mouth. Blood that had cupped in her royal shoe spilled out onto Rainbow Dash’s shoulder.

“There,” Pinkie said. “Now I want you to bite, as hard as you can, like you’re chomping down on a great big apple and sucking out the juice. I drank Mama Pie’s … Mama Pie’s juice all the way dry. Didn’t feel any of her feelings, but Mama wasn’t an alicorn princess now, was she? I bet you’ll have better luck.”

Rainbow began to cry again, bearing the dead weight of Luna’s head on her slender jaws. The princess’s vacant eye stared down into hers. She grimaced and began to chew.

Pinkie leaned in close, as if watching for an ant to come out of its hole.

Minute after minute, Rainbow’s straining jaws sawed side to side. When she thought they would break, when she was sure she would quit and seal her fate, Luna’s head shifted just the right way. Rainbow twitched and began to swallow, groaning with each gulp. She winced, hoping Luna could see, and would know, and would forgive her.

Hot tears splashed down onto her forehead.

Still she pulled at the wound. Her teeth came up against something hard - another set of teeth. They clicked together with each movement of Rainbow’s tongue.

“Okie dokie, Dashie! What’s on Luna’s mind, other than how unloved, unwanted, and un-special she is?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head as best she could, sniffing through her wet muzzle.

Pinkie’s mane lost more of its curls. “Still nothing? You’re batting zero here, Dash, and I’m running out of ideas. Hmm. Oh, I know. Why don’t you pick something? Take your best shot. Where do you think Luna’s star is hiding? Oops, there ya go.” Pinkie picked Luna’s head back up and dropped it on the table.

Rainbow blinked up at the dim light of the lamp. She could feel a film of blood clinging to her teeth. It ran down her cheeks and chin in crusty strands.

“Pinkie, I’m gonna be sick again. Please … my stomach’s full with her … with her …”

“What’s that? This isn’t the Rainbow Dash I know, bailing on ponies when they’re depending on her. Come on, Dash, what’s it gonna be? Where’s she hiding her feelings?”

“I can’t feel my legs anymore, Pinkie! I feel horrible, and so does she! There! Can I go home, please?”

“Ummm … I’m gonna have to give that one a big fat no.”

Rainbow gritted her teeth and scanned what she could see of Luna. She stared at the swollen red semicircle she had bitten into the soft dark coat of her cheek. She saw the smeared gray eyeshadow, the color Luna always wore. Her eyelashes were gummed with dried tears.

Rainbow imagined Luna in front of a mirror, dabbing on the glittery powder, smiling at herself. Trying to feel pretty.

“She cried,” said Rainbow without turning back. “She cried when I bit her. I’ll … I’ll taste her tears, Pinkie. Where else would her feelings be?”

Pinkie hopped around in a circle. “That’s a great idea! I actually haven’t tried that one! Her saltwater taffy’s gotta be loaded up with feelings.”

Rainbow banged her head against the table. “S-saltwater taffy? What the hay is wrong with you, Pinkie? I mean what the hay?”

“Wrong?” asked Pinkie. The light glinted in her empty blue eyes. “Hee hee! Silly.”

Rainbow shook her head, unable to hold Pinkie’s gaze. She turned back to Luna.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. We’ll get out of here, Princess, I promise.” She raised her head once more and lapped the corners of Luna’s half-lidded eyes.

She waited, hoping that somewhere in the salt of tears and sweat she would catch an inkling of pain, or a whispered message that all would turn out for the better. The salt was good, but what Luna was feeling was anything but good.

Rainbow let her head drop onto the table. She had an idea.

“Pinkie! Pinkie! I feel something!” she called, starting to laugh.

“You do? You do? What?” Pinkie squeaked, clapping her hooves together.

Rainbow shifted her head so she could see her. “This is gonna sound weird, and I can’t put all of it into words, but whatever Princess Luna’s feeling, it’s a good feeling. She’s … she’s dealing with it, you know? Salt is salt. Even mules think salt is good, right?”

“Oh my gosh, Rainbow, if this is true …” Pinkie’s jaw dropped open. She stood frozen, staring up at the ceiling. Minutes passed.

“Please oh please oh please oh please,” Rainbow muttered to herself. Forcing a smile, she called to Pinkie, “Try it, you’ll see.”

Pinkie shook her shaggy head, blinking her eyes into focus. “Yeah, I should do that. Like Twilight always says, experimentation without verification is misrepresentation. And like I always say, vid or it didn’t happen.” Bending down over Rainbow’s head, she ran her tongue over Luna’s dilated irises and smacked her lips.

“You’re right! Salty as a bag of potato chips! That’s gotta mean …” Her eyes narrowed. “Wait a minute. Stay right there. Don’t move a muscle.” She disappeared in a cloud of dust.

Before Rainbow could say a word, she heard the thump of galloping hooves on the stairs. Pinkie had returned, carrying a small wax paper bag in her mouth. She threw the contents down next to Rainbow Dash’s face.

A scattering of salted caramels sat before her, casting short shadows onto the table. One of them was half-eaten.

“These are salty too, Dashie,” said Pinkie, “and they’re not feeling anything but delicious.”

“But that’s because you put salt in them, Pinkie, it’s totally different …”

Pinkie’s mane puffed for a moment, then fell straight. “Three strikes and you’re out, Dashie. Good game, it was loads of fun. But good news!”

Luna’s quiet voice faded in and out, “… fair villagers …”

“I’ve been mulling and pondering and puzzling this whole time,” Pinkie continued, “and just like that, a new recipe popped into my noggin! You know how you can stew pears and plums and strawberries so they turn all soft and juicy so you can put them on your pancakes and make them fantastic? Well that’s what I’m gonna do with your ingredients! But hey, pay attention, it gets even better! I thought, I …”

She broke off, hanging her head, her shoulders and chest jerking as she cried. Her tears rained down and turned to mud on the floor.

“Let me go,” whispered Rainbow Dash. “Home. You can still…”

Pinkie snapped up, smiling as if nothing had happened. “I thought, what if you mix two ponies together? You get double the awesome sauce, that’s what! So here’s the plan: I’m gonna put Luna’s ingredients inside of yours, and let them stew inside of you so that when they come out …” She paused to loop a rope around one of the ceiling beams and under Luna’s slim belly, “so when they come out they’ll be at maximum mind-blowing flavor-packed goodness!” She yanked on the end of the rope, lifting Luna’s hindquarters off of Rainbow Dash. She tied it off, letting the ruined legs and tail dangle in the air.

“Alright, Pinkie, time … time to go,” murmured Rainbow Dash. Pinkie went to one of the unlit corners of the room, out of sight. Rainbow began to hear long scraping sounds. The sound of metal on metal.

Pinkie walked back behind Luna, bringing the scraping with her. She started singing, “All you have to do is take a cup of flour, add it to the …” The noise stopped. “… mix!”

Luna squealed and nodded, her wide green eyes staring into Rainbow’s, speaking a silent plea for torment.

“Anything, Rainbow? Did ya feel that?” called Pinkie.

“Princess, please,” Rainbow pleaded. “Everypony loves you. All your subjects. We need you, please!”

“I deserve this … I deserve this … I deserve this …” Luna breathed to the table.

“Now just take a little something sweet, not sour! A bit of salt, just a … pinch!”

Luna was huffing, harder and harder. Her crown slipped lopsided onto her ear. “I deserve … pain … pain … I deserve … Tartarus …” Her broken wings arched, taut and shaking.

Rainbow was crying, feeling everything she was feeling. “No Princess! Please, get up. You’re a good pony. Please get up!”

There was a clatter. “Geez, Luna, do you even eat?” sniffed Pinkie. “You’re skinny as a stringbean! A mare’s gotta have space to work. Let’s see if we can pry this little oyster open so we can get at all that juicy meat. Hey, we might even find that pearl we were looking for!”

She reached up to the ceiling and pulled down two chains, both ending in thick barbed hooks. Rainbow looked on as she pressed them into the muscle just above Luna’s knees.

Pinkie hopped to a crank attached to the far wall. “Any wishes, Rainbow? Hee hee.” She turned the crank, spinning the gears behind it. The slack went out of the chains.

“Let us go. Please, just let us go,” cried Rainbow.

Pinkie kept turning the crank, grunting with each turn of the handle. Luna’s legs spread further and further apart.

“You’re … you’re hurting her. Please, Princess, wake up. You’re a good pony, you’re a good pony, please …”

There was a dull crack. Princess Luna began to wail, her long, bitter cries sounding again and again, dying against the sodden wood of the cellar walls.

Something wet and hot dropped onto Rainbow Dash’s stomach. She stared up at the flickering lamp, tracing the somersaults and swirls of the captive fireflies. The room filled with a heavy, layered odor.

“OK … OK. Time to go home. Gonna be late …”

Pinkie locked the crank in place, rubbing the sweat out her eyes. She walked to the lamps and opened their little doors. Tiny lights drifted out into the darkening room.

“It’s better if I turn these down. There still might be a ghostie afterglow somewhere in there, and I sure as sugar don’t want to miss it if there is.”

Rainbow was drenched in Luna’s sweat. She looked over at what remained of the Cakes, the silent figures playing their endless game. The motes of the fireflies’ light wove about them in patterns, making it seem like they were dancing, circling around and around in a slow waltz.

Rainbow smiled. “One two three, one two three …”

Pinkie was working behind Luna, her metal tools grinding deep inside.

The princess laid motionless, gagging on broken words in the back of her throat. “Forever … forever … forever …”

Rainbow raised her weary head. “They’re dancing. Do you see them, Princess? Check … check it out.”

All she heard in reply was the riot of the buzzing. The flies were all over her, greedy for the soft slick stuff that kept falling down on her.

Pinkie peeked around Luna’s rump. “This could be the start of a beautiful new flavor! I’ll call it Rainuna. Nah, no ring to that. How about Lunabow? Moonbow! We’ve got a winner! You know, like when there’s a rainstorm at night far away, and a full moon too, and the moonlight makes a rainbow? That’ll be on the wrapper. Smart advertising if you ask me. Kinda romantic, maybe a Heart’s and Hooves Day special. Sound good to you?”

“Time … time to go. Storm to make … can’t be late …”

Pinkie sighed. “You know Rainbow, and don’t take this personally, but you have really narrow hips too. We’re going to have to pry those apart just a hair.”

“Pinkie?” Rainbow moaned into the darkness. The cold tips of the hooks touched the inside of her thighs.

“I wanna go home. Pinkie … Pinkie please I just wanna go home. Please don’t Pinkie please oh Celestia help! Help me!”

Author's Note

Yup. Straight up re-write of the oft-imitated, never duplicated Cupcakes written by Sgt. Sprinkles. I have no regrets.

Briefly influenced by:

-The Pianist
-Quarantine (REC)