Celestia's Day Out

by Samey90

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Comedy, Sex
Length: 7514

Celestia decides to go on vacation and everything goes wrong.

Celestia, tired of her duties of ruling over Equestria, decides to take a short vacation. Her first mistake was going to a small village out in the boondocks. The second was accidentally killing a child.

Co-written by Mattricole, Bootsy Slickmane, and me. The authors are not responsible for any mental damage caused by this story. We are not responsible for: loss of sanity, loss of hair, loss of sleep.

Coverart by Bootsy Slickmane.

Published 2015-02-16 22:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-16 22:30:01 UTC

Celestia's Axellent Adventure!

It wasn’t easy being the ruler of a country, Celestia could attest to that. Being a ruler was so hard, she had to take a vacation every three months. During those three months she would travel around Equestria, stalk—er, watching over her little ponies and making sure they were trotting on the path of truth, virtue, and harmony. ‘Twas her duty, after all. She watched over her ponies during the day, and Luna watched them sleep at night and occasionally invaded their dreams—to improve their quality of life, of course.

On this particular day she came across an adorable filly. Her coat was as brown as the milkiest chocolate in Equestria, and she had the most adorable of doe-eyes one could ever hope to have without making corneas melt at the sight of her. This filly’s name was Chocolate Icing. She was prancing happily next to the cottage with a thatched roof – something one can see on the postcards from any generic village. You know, the stuff one buys for two bits and sends to their relatives to say “I’m on vacation and you’re still at work”.

Celestia, finding the sight adorable, leaned on a nearby wall, relaxing as she watched the little filly play. She watched her completely non-sexually, although at her age it was hard to find a partner who would be old enough for her and still able to get it up. Ponies would always talk, if she found a much younger partner. They didn’t know about her basement, though. The only ponies who did never left.

Maybe I should add her to my collection? Celestia thought with a devious smile, but before she could plan out the capture, the wall gave out and she fell through. She got up, watching as one of the bricks from the wall hit a shovel standing nearby, rested against an old cart. The shovel fell and the cart started to roll down the hill. A startled pig jumped off the cart and knocked a bale of hay while running away. Collapsing hay fell on a plank, causing a scythe lying on it to fly into the air.

Celestia ducked, watching the flying scythe – sharp objects travelling in uncontrollable directions are never a good sign. The scythe hit the roof, cutting a piece of rope tied to the chimney. Before Celestia could think about ponies who tie axes to their chimneys with a rope, a very big and very scary-looking axe fell on the filly’s head.

The filly stood there for a moment, eyes swiveling up toward the handle sticking out above her muzzle. Then her face hit the dirt, signaling a very-definite end to her playtime.

“... Oops,” Celestia muttered as she slowly trotted up to the dead body, poking it with her hoof. “Hey kid, you alright?” she asked, receiving only a spurt of blood as a response. There goes her idea of collection hunting.

“What was that noise?” Celestia’s eyes widened at the sound of ponies nearby, and she dropped the shovel she’d hoped to bury the evidence with. Panicking, Celestia quickly grabbed the body and quickly teleported to the first place she could think of.

The royal guards knew well what was coming. One of them produced a box of earplugs from underneath his armour and gave it to the others. Then two of them stood on both sides of the royal bathroom’s door, waiting for Luna to end her bath.

They didn’t have to wait long for the sound. Even though they couldn’t hear anything, they could see the walls trembling and dust and spiders falling from the ceiling. One of the panes in the nearby window snapped. The guards immediately thought that Luna’s singing should have been weaponized a long time ago. If only its use hadn’t been ruled as a war crime after the incident with those sirens.

“Ooh, love child! Ooh, child, stop those bloody–”

“Luna!” Celestia shouted as she teleported in front of her sister, a bloody filly in her hooves. “We have a problem...”

“It’s you who has a problem,” Luna deadpanned. “It’s called ‘sexual harassment of the minors’!” Luna shouted as she took her rubber ducky and slammed it against Celestia’s muzzle, making a soft squeaky noise.

Celestia rubbed the sudsy water from her snout before fixing her glare on her sister. “Don’t be foolish. She died before I had the chance.” She held the little pony out. “Does this look violated to you?”

“It looks dead to me.” Luna poked the filly with her hoof. “Not that it’d stop you...”

“Oh please, Lulu! Even I’m not that…” Celestia trailed off as she stared at the carcass. Despite being dead, the body was surprisingly warm. Surely nopony would deny her a quickie? It’s not like the body could say no.

Luna cleared her throat. “I think we agreed that we are not having a sexual congress with anypony and anything in the bathroom or in the kitchen. Especially since I am here, taking a bath.”

“B-but...” Tears welled in Celestia’s eyes.

“And you’re not going anywhere with her!” Luna exclaimed, her eyes glowing.

“Why do you hate me so much?” Celestia asked.

“I am still not happy about what you did to my toaster, that’s why,” Luna said with a growl. “Now, I am only going to ask this once: why did you teleport into my bathtub with a dead body?”

“To dispose of it, obviously.”

“In my bathtub?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Of course not.”

“Well then why did you come to my bathtub?”

“Because it’s where you are.”

Luna sighed and dived in the bathtub. After a while, Celestia saw bubbles coming from under the water.

“What was that?” Celestia asked.

Luna emerged from the water. “I wanted to say that I am not dealing with your manure again. Literally and metaphorically. You killed it, you dispose of it. A rule number one-thousand, two hundred and forty.”

“We don’t have such a rule,” Celestia muttered.

“We have, since today!”

“Fine!” Celestia shouted as she rose from the tub. “But at least give me some advice!” Celestia begged, earning a groan from Luna.

“Sister, I know this is not what you want to hear, but you must take responsibility for your actions,” Luna said calmly, earning a gasp from Celestia.

“Y-you mean…” Celestia trailed off, looking back at the dead body, before sighing. “I suppose you’re right, Lulu.”

“Of course I am!” Luna said with a smile.

“And you’re being so humble about it, too,” Celestia said sarcastically, before throwing the dead filly over her shoulder. “Well, I’m off to impersonate a minor now, bye!”

“Wait, what?!” Luna shouted, but before she could receive an answer, Celestia teleported out of the room. “Dammit, Tia! I meant castrating the entire village, you idiot!”

“Would you fuck me?” Celestia asked the mirror. “I’d fuck me hard...”

The mirror didn’t reply, since mirrors usually don’t talk. Neither did the filly’s body. At first Celestia wanted to skin it, but then she realised that it’d be too small for her. Also, the whole floor would be stained in blood and Luna would get mad at her. Not to mention that the body was weird – it was still warm and made a strange sound when Celestia threw it into the corner of her room.

Eventually, Celestia settled on a simpler solution.

“I’ll use this!” Celestia shouted as she grabbed a piece of cardboard, some string, and a couple of crayons. “With these three items, I’ll make a disguise so great, even a changeling would be jealous,” Celestia bragged.

Fifteen minutes later, the disguise was ready. Celestia put it on and walked out of her room.

“What are you doing here, little filly?” a guard who was walking nearby asked. “Did you get lost?”

“No, I’m fine,” Celestia replied, glad that her disguise worked.

“Do you need an adult?” the guard asked. “I’m an adult. Go with me to the basement, I’m gonna give you a candy...”

Celestia was about to tell him to go and fornicate with himself, when she saw Luna walking down the corridor, her mane wrapped in a towel.

Luna looked at Celestia and her eyes widened. She trotted to them quickly. “GET OUT OF HERE, YOU FILTHY PEASANT!” she yelled at the guard who ran away, holding his ears. “What are you doing, sister?” Luna asked.

“You can... recognize me?” Celestia raised her eyebrows.

“You have a picture of a filly taped to your face,” Luna muttered. “Who’d be dumb enough to believe that?”

“That guard did,” Celestia replied.

“He was one of our clones with lower intelligence!” Luna exclaimed. “If you told them that they could wield the magic of an alicorn by taking peanut butter and spreading it between their butt cheeks, they would believe you!”

“Oh, come on!” Celestia exclaimed. “You’ll see that it works...” Before Luna could say anything, Celestia teleported away.

“And here I already prepared my castration scissors...” Luna muttered, shaking her head.

Celestia slid open the bedroom window, glancing about to be sure nopony was around to see her before climbing into the house. She landed on the floor just inside, eyes taking in the room’s decor. A single bed, a nightstand, pink-colored walls, posters of chocolate being drizzled over swimsuit models. Yup, looked like the right room. She hastily climbed into the little bed, taking her position atop the sheets as the sound of approaching hoofsteps drifted in through the closed door.

“Chocolate, are you in there?” came a voice from beyond the door. A hoof pushed it open, and a stallion’s muzzle slipped in through the crack. He briefly scanned around the room before his gaze settled on Princess Celestia, the crayon-doodled cardboard still taped to her face. “Oh, there you are,” he said, smiling. “Supper’s almost ready, so git on to the dinin’ room, missy.”

Celestia nodded once, and the door closed again. Excellent, Celestia thought to herself as she rose from the bed. Deciding to listen to her new father, Celestia left her room and quickly made her way to the dining room, ready to eat whatever meal her parents had planned. Despite her keen nose, however, she could discern no scent of food as she sat down at the table.

Her silent questions were answered when her father slid a plate in front of her. The little ceramic saucer was piled high with some manner of brown, gritty substance. Celestia plucked up a spoon in her hoof and poked at it. “Is this… dirt?”

“Course it’s dirt,” her father said. “It’s always dirt.” A thin, pink earthworm squiggled up from the mound of earth, and the princess leaned away from it slightly. “Well, almost always. Here, I’ll get that.” Her father pulled the worm from the pile with his teeth and tossed it into the sink.

“There ya go, little missy,” he said, rubbing a hoof over her thigh. “You go on and eat up.”

“... Thanks, Daddy!” Celestia said in the sweetest tone she could manage. Curse Luna and her terrible ideas, Celestia thought as she imagined her sister getting attacked by deranged hobos.

“Make sure to eat all your dirt, honey!” a new, feminine voice called out. “You’re going to need all that nutrients so you can grow big and strong like…” the corpulent mare, most likely Chocolate Icing’s mother, trailed off as she stared long and hard at her. “Well, look at that! All that dirt paid off after all!”

Celestia looked at her plate unsurely, sighed, and took a spoonful of dirt. She started to chew it carefully, feeling it scratch against her teeth. It tasted... well, it tasted like dirt, with a small addition of blood. Celestia deduced that the dirt had been taken from the place where the real Chocolate Icing was killed.

“How is it, honey?” her mother asked.

“It tastes like dirt.”

“Oh, I’m so glad you approve!” her mother said happily, a tear falling from her eye. “I was afraid you were getting tired of my specialty!”

Celestia tilted her head to one side, eying the kitchen. There were no pots, no pans, no skillets, no woks, no sauce pans, no cooling ovens, no muffin trays, no baking sheets, no bowls, and no spatulas. Just a bucket, a grimy ladle, and plates of dirt. Lots and lots of dirt.

Thanks, mom,” she choked out through the mouthful of dirt, taking a moment to spit out a pebble. “You’ve really outdone yourself this time.”

“... Don’t you condescend me, you little whore.”

“What was that, dear?”

“Nothing, hubby!” Mother said as she kissed Father’s cheek, sneaking a glare at their daughter. As soon as she turned away, Celestia teleported the rest of her dirt in the first place she thought of – Twilight Sparkle’s bed.

“Wow...” the father said. “You really were hungry. Do you want more?”

“N-no-”

“Of course she does!” the mother said happily as she gave Celestia another plate, wrapping a hoof around her shoulder and bringing her muzzle to Celestia’s ear. “Don’t you, my little whore?” she whispered.

“I guess I have no choice,” Celestia whispered back. She started to chew dirt slowly, wondering about what was going on.

“When you’re done, go to the basement,” the mother said. “It needs cleaning before the ritu– I mean, before I can do something there.”

“That’s what the outhouse is for,” the father said.

“Fuck off,” the mother whispered.

“Love you too, dear,” the husband said obliviously, digging into his own tiny hill of dirt, a spoon held in each hoof.

I have to get out of here, now! Celestia thought as she felt her mind exploding. She was pretty sure such an amount of dirt couldn’t be healthy for anypony’s mind or bowels. Especially bowels. “Umm... maybe I’ll go and start cleaning this basement?”

“Eat your dirt, sweetie...” the mother muttered, patting Celestia’s flank. “Oh... Is it me, or did you get fatter, you dirty little slut? Yes... I think you’re ready to go to the basement...”

“Fatter?” Celestia exclaimed. “You’re talking to...” She remembered about her disguise. “... your daughter who is going to the basement, like, now.”

Celestia quickly made her way to the basement, silently fuming at the abuse she was undergoing. How could an adult treat a child so horribly?! Sure, she kept foals in her own personal dungeon, but that was different! At least they enjoyed their stay! That is, till they turned ten and were thrown into the bottomless Pit of Forgotten Foals—not to be confused with the Pit of Hope and Wonder.

As she entered the basement, Celestia was greeted by various runes and circles of various natures. Some of them she recognized, others she didn’t. She did know, however, that almost all of these were summoning circles (with one being a alchemy circle meant for turning gold into lead, for some unfathomably dumb reason).

“Well, she can’t be up to any good,” Celestia muttered to herself. Clearly she was dealing with a deranged lunatic. Just another regular, Sunday afternoon.

“Oh, my sweet little whore, I am up to all the good!” Celestia quickly turned towards her “Mother”. “After all, nothing can be gooder than summoning the great Ponsofay, Elder God of Sofas, Loveseats, and Occasionally Chaise Lounges! Oh, he’ll bestow so much furniture on me when I sacrifice you.” Her new mother slowly stalked her way around the circle, stopping at a shelf built into the wall. “Now, let’s see, we’ll need…”

Celestia slowly sidled toward the exit as her mother ran a hoof down a sticky note on the wall, reciting, “One box of Original Wood Chips cereal, two bottles of Moose Kiss beer, and two liters of virgin filly blood.” The mother stopped, turning toward her “daughter” to add, “That’s you—and where do you think you’re going, you little maggot-filled cunt?”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Celestia remarked, charging up her horn and blasting a swirling torrent of yellow light beams across the room. Her new mother screeched in agony as her eyeballs exploded in their sockets and her flesh melted off her bones, puddling on the floor. “Nopony puts Sunny in the circle.” She looked at the charred remains in front of her and thought of her new father who was upstairs. “Well, I guess I’ll need help...”

“No.”

“Oh, come on!” Celestia begged. “If Daddy finds out I killed Mommy, he’ll ground me for sure!”

Luna smacked her hoof against her forehead. “Please, tell me that you are kidding... Equestria’s law doesn’t specify what to do when one of the princesses goes insane and the lawyers hate me since I castrated two of them...”

“Why did you castrate them?” Celestia asked, momentarily forgetting her predicament.

“They said ‘nuculer’ instead of ‘nuclear’, remember?”

“... That’s not a good reason at all.”

“Shut up!” Luna screamed as she threw her last bath toy at Celestia, bopping her on the nose. “I shall not impersonate that insane, fat harlot!”

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Luna muttered.

“Just think of the children, dearest sister.”

“There are no children! You killed the only one and took her place!”

“Well, then make some!” Celestia suggested. “I mean, it has been awhile, you know, since you’ve been on the moon this whole time. This is a good time to loosen yourself up, in more ways than one!” Celestia said with a smile.

“... Fair enough.” Luna put a piece of cardboard with a picture of the mare on her face and walked into the house. “Wait, what is my name?”

“Lu–”

“Not my name!”

“Vanilla Slice, you’re back!” her “husband” greeted as he trotted up to her with a smile. “How was your trip to the basement? Riveting, I take it?”

“Umm... yeah, I’d use that word,” Luna muttered. She was sweating heavily and the picture was getting a bit wet.

“Are you okay?” her “husband” asked. “You seem thinner...”

“Oh crap...” Luna muttered. “I mean... Stairs! Yes! I’ve been in the basement and I walked on stairs! To, umm... keep fit! And now excuse me, I need to talk to our daughter about, umm... girl stuff!”

“... is this about how I leave the seat up?”

“... Yes.”

Her husband sighed as he turned around. “I’ll go get the gag and paddle.”

Celestia sighed softly. “I fear he suspects you.”

“I can’t imagine why,” Luna deadpanned.

“There is but one solution.” Celestia turned to her sister. “You must get fatter.”

“What?!”

“I’m sorry. I mean you must get fat.”

“That’s not—” Luna put her hooves on either side of her head. “Can’t we just castrate the fool and toss him into one of those pits you’re so fond of?”

Celestia gave her sister a steely, stern leer. “Lulu, we have wronged this poor fellow, and must make every effort to make it right. We’ve taken his wife from him before her time, and we—”

“You,” Luna corrected.

“We must do our best to fill the void we made in his life. So get eating, sister.”Not like it’s going to take long.

“And how would you suggest I gain four-hundred pounds before my ‘husband’ gets too suspicious?”

“Alright, ladies, the rules are simple: whoever can eat the most donuts in the time limit wins.” Donut Joe leaned in against the counter. “You ready?”

Princess Celestia nodded, but Luna merely rolled her eyes, commenting, “This is asinine.”

“Go!” Joe called out with a stomp of his hoof.

Luna gingerly picked up a donut in her magic and took a dainty bite. Celestia cast her a sideways glance, remarking, “Such slow pace. Do you want to get fat or not?”

“Not,” was Luna’s flat reply.

“Hmph. I guess you’ll be losing, then,” Celestia said just before sending a stream of seven donuts into her mouth. She tapped on the counter once she’d finished chewing. “Next round.”

Luna polished off her donut and picked up another, trying to ignore the alicorn stuffing her face next to her.

Donut Joe whistled. “Wow, she can really pack it in there. Looks like Celestia’s gonna come out on top again.”

Luna froze, wide eyes staring through the hole in her donut as memories flooded back to her. Like it was only yesterday, she could see Celestia sliding one of her many chess pieces across the board and declaring “checkmate”. She could see her sister standing proud next to perfectly-cooked flan, and Luna herself sitting sadly next to a bowl of gooey sugar. And there, pushing it’s way up to her mind’s eye, was the sight of every little filly and colt praising the sun for bringing them the day.

“Fuck that!” Luna shouted, causing all the nearby patrons to stare at her. She raked her hooves across her plate, scooping all of its donuts into her open mouth. She chewed them to a lumpy goo and gulped them down, slamming her hoof on the counter. “Next!”

Luna’s world turned to a haze, a murky blur of sprinkles and glaze as she fought tooth and hoof to be better than her sister at something aside from sex. Jimmies and crumbs littered the floor as she voraciously tore into every new round of baked goods. Joe took a few steps back, shielding himself from the spray of foodbits gone astray. Celestia calmly munched on a square donut, watching Luna gobble her way to obesity.

A little bell rang, and Donut Joe said, “Alright, ladies, time’s up.” Luna didn’t stop. “I said ‘time’s up’,” he repeated. “You can stop now, I’m pretty sure you won.”

But Luna couldn’t hear him. All she could hear was her teeth mashing pastries in her mouth, blood pulsing through her veins, and the loving cheers of a million sun-loving faces. When Joe didn’t deliver her next batch of donuts, she bypassed the stallion and snatched the treats herself.

Minutes turned to hours, donuts turned to crumbs, and ounces turned to pounds in Luna’s thighs. Only when her barstool snapped like a twig beneath her expanding ass did she stop her assault against the bakery. She blinked, her bleary eyes staring around at her surroundings as the memories of failure faded from her sight. She stared down at her hooves, each one splattered with tasty icing.

“Finally,” Joe sighed in relief. “I thought that was never gonna end, there for a second.” He pointed to the door. “I’m sorry, princesses, but I gotta close up shop. It’s four in the morning, and it’s gonna take me all night to restock my donuts.”

Luna finally tore her gaze from her frosted hooves, looking instead to her sister. “Did I win? Am I fat enough yet?”

Celestia held a hoof to her chin for a second, then shrugged. “Ehh.”

Luna turned back to Joe. “Then you shall not cease your donut dealing,” she commanded as she climbed back onto her hooves. “Another round.”

“Princess, please,” Joe began, “with all due respect, I think you’ve had enough.”

Luna narrowed her glare, which would’ve been scarier had she not been plastered with donut debris. “You dare defy me, pastry peddling peasant?”

“But… my donuts.”

“I am commandeering your donuts!” Luna screamed as she tossed Donut Joe to the side, forcing her way into his kitchen.

“... This is going better than expected,” Celestia muttered to herself as she watched her sister gorging herself on all the donuts in her way.

“Pr-princess! Please, stop!” Donut Joe begged as he grabbed onto Luna, who turned towards him with a glare.

“Out of my way!” Luna commanded as she pulled a pair of magic scissors and castrated the stallion then and there.

“... What is with you and castrating ponies?” Celestia said with disgust, feeling a slight amount of pity for the now crying stallion.

Luna ignored her sister in favor of devouring all the donuts she could get her hooves on. Chocolate, glazed, powdered, and creamed donuts all fell before her voracious appetite. Not even the sacred jelly donut could stand against her might.

“I can’t believe you actually ate Donut Joe! What were you thinking?!” Celestia scolded as she led Luna into their new house.

“I did not eat Donut Joe, Tia! I ate his donut shop,” Luna replied, rolling her eyes. “Honestly, you make me out to be some kind of cannibal.”

“Alright, maybe you didn’t eat him, but did you really have to castrate him?”

“He defied my royal will; he had to be punished.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Along with everypony within a city block of shop?”

“That is how it is done, dear sister. You punish the whole group.”

“Most of them didn’t even know we were there.” The Sun Princess shook her head slowly. “Also, what did you do with all those testicles you confiscated?”

“Nothing, stop asking.”

“There you are, my little fudge nugget,” said Luna’s new husband as he trotted into sight. “Chocolate Souffle is going to take you on the ride of your life.”

Oooh, that’s his name! Celestia thought with a smile. She reached sideways, prodding her sister’s flank and whispering, “Go get ‘em.”

“Come again?” Luna inquired. Her body stiffened as the stallion caressed a hoof across her withers and down her back.

“Mmm,” Chocolate Souffle hummed. “Must’a been a trick o’ the light ‘fore, ‘cause you look as big and juicy as ever, dumpling.” His hooves found their way to her tail and gave it a little tug. He stopped suddenly, however, apparently just noticing Celestia. “Heheh. Why don’t you run along, sweetheart, and don’t pay no mind to no noises fer the next few minutes, okay?”

“Yes, daddy,” Celestia chirped, turning and cantering off to her pink-walled bedroom.

“C’mon, darlin’,” Souffle said, trotting up the stairs. “Been a while since I had a Slice of that ass.”

Luna stared toward the staircase, eyes unfocused as her mind fought to make sense of what just happened. She whispered to herself, “What that supposed to be flirting?” She shook her head, turning to her sister—err, daughter’s bedroom.

“You comin’, sweet cheeks?” her husband called down.

Luna shrugged and headed up the stairs. It had been a while, after all.

“Hey, babe, how about we skip the foreplay today,” Chocolate Souffle said as he turned luna around and mounted her. “And get right to the fun!” he squealed as he stuck his member inside his “wife”.

Clearly this was a huge mistake, for as soon as he was inside, his body froze. His forehooves quivered against Luna’s back, his hind legs shuddered beneath him, and his tail spasmed and thrashed behind him. His jaw clenched, teeth cracking and blood beginning to leak from between his lips. A faint whimper escaped him as his balls ruptured and spilled out all over the floor. He couldn’t take it. She was too hot. That ass was too fine.

His scream nearly shattered the bedroom window, his broken teeth spewing out and all over Luna’s back. Blood poured from every orifice in his head and his eyes liquified, the mix of fluids running down his face. His coat lit up like a Hearth’s Warming Eve tree soaked in kerosene and showered with lit matches. His screech rose in pitch as the flames consumed him, until at last he was freed from his bliss/agony as his flesh blasted off his bones in a mighty explosion that leveled the house’s entire second story.

Luna was still standing there on the scorched mattress as the smoke cleared, looking bored. “Are you finished yet?” She asked, curling around and checking over her shoulder. There was not but a charred skeleton gripping her flanks. “Ah, shit, not again.”

She heard the sound of hoofsteps on the stairs. After a while, Celestia opened the door. Her jaw dropped when she saw the battlefield the bedroom had become. She walked slowly through the room, hissing as the hot floor burned her hooves.

“How did that happen?” Celestia asked, staring at the still-smoking skeleton. “I thought you learned to control this...”

“Dear sister, I haven’t had sex since I ended up in the moon.” Luna sighed. “I know how being in the moon sounds like, but it’s not nearly as fun. Those rocks are sharp.”

“B-but...” Celestia rested herself against the bed which fell into ashes. “I thought that after the poor Starswirl it’d never happen again...” She shook her head. “And I thought Cadance’s first masturbation was a disaster...”

“I’d rather not know the details, thank you,” Luna deadpanned. “The thing is... Do you know what will we have to do now?”

“Call Cadance and ask her to pretend to be this guy?” Celestia asked, poking the skeleton’s skull.

“No!” Luna exclaimed. “Dear sister, the best route we can take to avoid any questions about this is cast–”

“Yeah, because that will make those peasants forget about a big hole in the roof and the fact that their neighbours disappeared completely...”

Luna gave her sister a long look. “Okay. Let’s go to Cadance.” She levitated her castration scissors and started to sharpen them.

All the crystal guards were standing in the corridor, talking in hushed, yet excited voices. Flash Sentry stood by the door, trying to listen to what was going inside of Princess Cadance’s chamber. A few minutes before, Celestia and Luna arrived unexpectedly and locked themselves in the throne room with Cadance. The guards wondered what kind of disaster happened in Equestria; some of them started to write their last wills.

Inside of the chamber, Cadance was pacing around Celestia and Luna. Both older alicorns were smiling sheepishly at her.

“Okay, auntie Luna... auntie Celestia...” Cadance stopped and sighed. “I need to ask you a question...” She took a deep breath. “Are you fucking retarded?”

“Cadance!” Luna exclaimed, but Celestia put her hoof on her mouth.

“It’s okay,” Celestia said. “She told me the same thing all those years ago when I told her that I was going to give her a horn. Memories...”

“Because she was in the middle of going through puberty!” Luna shouted. “A princess cannot speak like some homeless jackanape!”

“Said the pony who arranged the moonrocks in such a way that they were saying ‘Go and Fu–”

“That’s low,” Luna muttered. “I was possessed!”

Cadance cleared her throat. “I’m still here, you know,” she said. “If you are going to argue about things that happened a million year ago, go to Twilight. She is always happy to see you.”

“Twilight wouldn’t be a good father,” Luna muttered. “Please, Cadance... We need you.”

Cadance trotted closer to Celestia. “The Crystal Empire will get ten million bits from the next year budget.”

“What?” Celestia exclaimed. “I can’t give you that much...”

“Well, I think ponies wouldn’t be happy if they heard that their leaders murdered a filly and her parents with an axe, a solar ray, and pent-up libido.” Cadance smirked. “And I don’t know if you’ve heard about this new trend in politics... It’s called communism...”

“Okay,” Celestia muttered, lowering her head. “Get a disguise and we’re going back to that village. You’ll get the cash once we’re ready with the budget.”

“Wow, this place is bigger than I thought,” Cadance said as she looked at her new home. “So, how long are we going to keep up this charade?”

“As long as it takes,” Celestia replied, putting on a little backpack. “Now, I’m going off to school like a good little filly,” Celestia said with a smile as she walked out the door.

“... She’s going to foalnap those foals, isn’t she?”

“Totally,” Luna replied. “So… we’re married.”

“I guess,” Cadance said with a shrug. “It’s funny. Shiny always wanted us to enter into a polygamy relationship, always turned him down. Guess his dream finally came tru-” Cadance was cut off as Luna threw her to the ground, a creepy smile adorning her face.

“Well, in that case, I’m going to show you what a thousand year dry spell can do to a mare!” Luna said as she began kissing Cadance’s tummy.

“A-aunti Luna, wait!” Cadance moaned, trying to get away from her horny aunt. “I’m the princess of love! I-if I orgasm the-Aaah, aaaaagh, AAAAAGGGH!”

Celestia was in trouble.

She was sitting on a chair that was far too small for her, in front of an equally small desk. On the desk, there was a sheet of paper. What was written on it caused Celestia to sweat.

Which of the following nobles didn’t sign the peace treaty after the First Griffon War in 204 year after Discord?

A) Princess Celestia
B) Raven of Nevermore
C)Princess Twilight Sparkle
D) Magpie the Terrible

Celestia sighed, staring at the question. I hardly remember that... That wasn’t even a peace conference. We just got so drunk with those griffons that we decided to fuck that war and sign a treaty. She scratched her mane. Of course, Twilight wasn’t alive at that time... But that idiot Magpie the Terrible fell off the stairs and snapped his neck on the second day of the binge... She slammed her head against the desk, causing a few students to look at her unsurely. We signed the treaty on the third... or maybe fourth day of the conference... And who the fuck was Raven of Nevermore?

The teacher walked to her. “Do you have some trouble, Chocolate?” she asked.

“This question is wrong,” Celestia replied. “There was no peace treaty signed after the first Griffon War.”

“Are you suggesting that this war is still going on?” the teacher asked, raising her eyebrows. “Are you okay, Chocolate?”

“No,” Celestia said. “I’m just saying that I... I mean, Princess Celestia and Raven of Nevermore got drunk together and said, ‘you know, your army slaughtered my army, then my army slaughtered your army, then a part of my army slaughtered another part of my army because they screwed it up... It’s getting boring. Let’s go to the bedroom and finish that war… Together.’”

“That’s not what the history book says,” the teacher said, blushing suddenly. “And you’ll stay in class after the lesson.”

“I’m telling the truth!” Celestia exclaimed. “I’ve been there!”

“What?” the teacher asked.

Celestia opened her mouth to give an explanation. It’d probably be a masterpiece of diplomacy; Celestia would probably top her achievement from the First Griffon War. However, she didn’t have time. Suddenly, she felt a rising tension in her loins.

“What’s going on, Chocolate?” the teacher asked, staring at her back unsurely and crossing her hind legs.

“Duck...” Celestia muttered, covering her ears.

Suddenly, all the fillies and colts in the class moaned loudly. Some of them fell from their chairs, clutching their private bits. A musky smell filled the air. Celestia felt her orgasm incoming, so she positioned herself in such a way so her juices wouldn’t soak her tail. Accidentally, it meant cumming right into the teacher’s face.

Celestia heard an explosion and found herself splattered in blood and gore. Another explosion followed. Celestia crawled under her desk and caught a teacher, who was also panting in an uncontrollable orgasm.

One of the fillies, lying in the puddle of her own juices exploded, sending pieces of bone and tissues around. A colt behind her turned his gaze away from his cumming penis and looked at the place where she was just a second ago. Right after that his testicles exploded. Then vitrious fluid shot out of his eyeballs and his body caught fire.

“What’s going on?” the teacher asked.

“The princess of love is somewhere nearby...” Celestia muttered though gritted teeth. “And she just came hard.”

“What?”

“How do you think, why the Crystal Empire is so popular among tourists?” Celestia asked. “There’s however, one problem: some foals can’t handle it...”

“Then why are you alive?” the teacher asked.

“I am no foal...” Celestia removed her mask. Then she grabbed a history book and rolled it, positioning it over the teacher’s still winking vagina. “And you’ll now learn that you can’t always believe in what they write in the books...”

With a devious smirk, Celestia magically lifted a nearby history book, glancing over it’s hard cover. The edges were nice and pointy, and it must have had at least a few thousand pages. It was perfect for what she had in mind.

With a mighty yell, Celestia rammed the text-book as hard as she could into the teacher’s love pot, earning a loud moan in return. “This will last for seven days!” Celestia cackled as she cast a spell on both the book and the teacher, ensuring she could not escape her punishment.

“Celestia, is everything all righ-” Cadance stopped herself, seeing the foals disgusting carcasses littered throughout the room. “... What have I done?”

“Yes, Cadance. What have you done?!” Luna reprimanded. “Honestly, take control of yourself!”

“... I wish you were still on the moon, auntie,” Cadance muttered. “At least Celestia stopped trying once she found out about this... side effect.”

“Oh, come on,” Luna said. “Life must have been boring before I came back.”

“Somehow, I preferred it boring,” Cadance muttered. “After you came back I spent most of my wedding trapped in a cave by an overgrown bug, then some junkie trapped under the ice almost took my kingdom and my husband had to throw me down the tower...” Cadance sighed. “Then I had to drag Discord’s pimped-out carriage across the half of Equestria to fight a big motherfucking sandworm and later a big, frozen cloud almost fell on my head.” For a moment Cadance was breathing heavily to calm herself down. It didn’t help. “My life was saved by Spike. Get it? SPIKE!” Cadance rolled her eyes.

“Calm down, honey,” Luna said, trying to hug Cadance. “We’ll only clean this place and go back home to pretend that family...”

“Great!” Cadance exclaimed. “I just fucking love getting rid of the corpses! Sombra left me a whole fucking basement of them! Most of them well-preserved because of the low temperatures, but they started to rot when I went there with my servants! And then I had to clean Flash Sentry’s vomit!”

“... You done?” Luna asked.

“NO!” Cadance exclaimed. “I’m not fucking done with you! I just wanted to live calmly in my village! Now I have a castle, no, the entire fucking empire! I’m one of the richest ponies in Equestria! I live in a crystal castle, eat crystals, fuck crystals, shit crystals! I’ve never asked for that!”

“Pegasi blood,” Celestia deadpanned. “I was afraid something like that would happen, eventually.”

“I have a feeling that she cheats on Shining Armor,” Luna added. “That line about having sexual relationships with crystals sounded alarming.”

“So, you think our heir will most likely be some crystal bastard?” Celestia asked and shrugged. “Maybe we should poison her and try once again. How about Twilight and Blueblood?”

“Twilight and Shining Armor,” Luna said. “It wouldn’t be the first incest in the royal family...”

“You do realise that I can hear you, don’t you?” Cadance asked. “Shining Armor and I are going to have so many foals that you both will die of a heart attack on our first visit in Canterlot. Just let me go back home and make them instead of trying to do whatever you’re doing now.”

Luna looked at Celestia. Before she could say something, the teacher cleared her throat. “Excuse me,” she said. “Could you, please, get those books out of my cunt? I got papercuts.”

“No,” Celestia deadpanned and turned to Luna and Cadance. “We need to cover it up. Let’s get Twilight. She’ll impersonate the whole class.”

“What?” Cadance exclaimed. “For how long?”

“Till the kids go to the college,” Luna replied. “Those village kids never get there anyway.”

“You want me to what?!” Twilight exclaimed, her jaw nearly dropping to the floor.

“... Why does everypony react that way when I want them to impersonate a dead pony?” Celestia asked herself.

“Maybe because it sounds incredibly-” Cadance was cut off by a smooch from Luna.

“Let’s not be angry with our daughter, lover,” Luna whispered. Cadance quickly tried to shove her aunt away.

“When did you get so into this?!”

“An hour after my dry spell ended! Now let’s have sex again!” Luna demanded as she threw Cadance onto Twilight’s bed, making a quiet “pomf” sound.

“Luna, wh-what are we going to do on the bed?”

“Nothing!” Twilight roared as she separated both princesses with her magic. “Now, can we please get back on topic of me… Ugh, what am I doing again?”

“Impersonating… Twelve foals, I believe,” Celestia replied, earning a groan from Twilight.

“I was kind of hoping I misheard you.” Twilight started pacing the small bedroom. “Hypothetically speaking, how would I even impersonate twelve different foals?”

Celestia produced a stack of cardboard panels, each one with a different filly or colt crudely drawn on it in crayon. In short, it was the perfect disguise.

“... This is literally the dumbest idea I ever heard.”

“Don’t you mean figuratively?” Luna asked, earning a glare from Twilight.

“No. No I don’t.” Silence reigned between all four princesses, until finally Celestia decided to speak up.

“So, that means you’ll do it, right?” she asked with a smile.

“No,” Twilight replied, walking closer to Celestia.

“What if I told you that it is an order?” Celestia asked, fire burning in her eyes.

Twilight withheld Celestia’s stare and replied, “Listen, princess. I brought your sister back from the moon. I defeated Discord and Sombra, and made Chrysalis my bitch...”

“... I thought Spike killed Sombra?” Luna said.

“And it was me and my husband who made Chrysalis our bitch!” Cadance said disgruntledly.

“Whatever!” Twilight screamed. “And I killed a hundred of Pinkie Pie’s clones in such a way that everypony still thinks I sent them back to that pool! Do you think I will hesitate to make a little coup d’état?”

“... Magic… Kindergarten,” Celestia replied calmly, causing Twilight’s eyes to widen and her mouth to droop.

“You wouldn’t…” Twilight said, her voice trembling slightly.

“Oh, I would,” Celestia replied with a smirk, earning a glare from Twilight.

“... Give me the damn costume,” Twilight said as she grasped the cardboard cutouts before storming out of the room.

“Hah, I always win,” Celestia practically sang. “Now, all of you go back to the village. I gotta go back to my basement.”

“... Why?” Cadance asked.

“Because I forgot to take care of that filly, that’s why-” she was interrupted as Twilight’s door slammed open, revealing a very familiar face.

“My head hurts,” Chocolate Icing whimpered, groggily walking towards the princesses with the axe still buried in her skull. All three stared in horror as the little filly came closer and closer.

“Zombie!!!” Luna screamed in terror as she picked up a nearby chair and whacked Chocolate Icing, launching her out the window and into a far away trash can. The three princesses remained silent, until once again Celestia decided to open her big, fat mouth.

“Well, looks like I won’t have to go back to the castle now.”

Little did they know, this wouldn’t be the last they heard from Chocolate Icing...

“Mom, are you sure this is a good idea?” Scootaloo asked, looking at her new sister who just so happened to have an axe in the back of her head.

“For the last time, yes!” Diamond Tiara said as she rolled her eyes. “You said you wanted to be a big sister, and I found this filly in a dumpster. She’s clearly not wanted, so why not?” Diamond Tiara said as she began petting her new daughter.

“I love mama jewelry!” Chocolate Icing said with crossed eyes.

“Oh, I love you, too, honey!” Diamond Tiara said as she nuzzled her new daughter, getting blood all over her mane and cheek. “... Really should take her to the hospital though,” Diamond Tiara mumbled as she pulled away. “Apple Bloom! Get the cart! We’re going to the hospital!”

“What about me?” Scootaloo asked.

“You are staying home,” Diamond Tiara said as she poked Scootaloo in the chest. “Somepony has to watch over Wet Noodle!”

“Gragh!” Wet Noodle gargled as her head popped out of a nearby mirror, only to disappear in an instant.

“Ha! What a joker!” Diamond Tiara laughed, wiping a tear from her eye. Scootaloo wasn’t anywhere near as amused.

“I think I peed a little.”

“Have fun taking care of Wet Noodle!” Diamond Tiara said as she kissed her daughter’s cheek. She then took her new daughter and left the house quickly.

“Gruugh!” Wet Noodle’s voice echoed throughout the house, causing Scootaloo to involuntarily shutter.

“I’m a potato,” Scootaloo mumbled as she quickly hid under a nearby table. “I’m a potato!” she repeated, closing her eyes. “I’m a potat-”

“Ramen.”

“Gahgh!” Scootaloo screamed as she jumped up, hitting her head on the table. Yup, it was going to be another one of those days.

Author's Note

Dare: try to guess who wrote which part...