I'll Kill You With My Tea Cup

by Cloud Hop

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 1570

Only a few hours after the Griffon Empire declared war on Equestria, Princess Celestia waved a white flag and asked for an audience with the Griffon Emperor. The Emperor thinks she's here to negotiate Equestria's surrender. He's wrong.

Only a few hours after she learned of the Griffon Empire's invasion, Princess Celestia surrendered herself to the griffon army and asked for an audience with the Griffon Emperor.

The Emperor thinks she's here to negotiate Equestria's surrender.

He's wrong.

Spanish Translation
Polish Translation

Published 2015-04-01 15:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-01 15:20:01 UTC

Chronicles of Celestia

500 years ago...

They say that every invasion was preceded by a comet. A glowing ball of dust, enshrined as a memento of death. This time was no different. The griffon horde swept through the outskirts of Equestria without warning, slaughtering all who opposed them. They struck during the night, brutally and mercilessly. It took almost until morning for the news to reach the capital, simply because nopony could escape the savage onslaught of the bloodthirsty griffons. Of course, by then, one could tell simply by looking up.

Entire towns were reduced to rubble, and forests burnt to cinders. The dense smoke rose above the horde, coloring the sky with crimson streaks, as though the griffon emperor had torn open the very sky above them, and heaven itself was bleeding.

Moments after learning about the oncoming invasion, Princess Celestia held an emergency war conference with the mightiest generals of Equestria. The meeting itself was kept highly secret, but rumors spread quickly. It seemed that the entire contents of the meeting consisted of Celestia telling everyone to stay out of the way.

She teleported to the front lines soon after, holding a small white flag...

The great monarch of Equestria was led through the doorway in chains. Thick, iron hoofcuffs were shackled to her ankles, clinking and clanking as she was escorted into the negotiation room by an entire platoon of elite imperial guards.

The room itself was a work of art, built around a small ornate table sitting next to a wall made of glass. The steps up to the table looked like wavy, concentric rings, covered in gold that was woven between strips of sapphire. The walls seemed to be made of steps as well, slowly branching outward from the table until they came back in to meet at the entryway, like a large sphere that had one side cut off and replaced by a window.

Celestia was led to the table, and her hoofcuffs were carefully removed while 25 poisoned blades carved out of pure diamond were leveled at her. Once released, she waited for her captors to move away before gracefully taking her seat at one end of the table.

A call was made in a strange foreign language, and the soldiers in the room retreated to the walls. The terrible visage of a massive griffon stood in the doorway, framed by his imperial armor. Head held high, the griffon emperor slowly walked towards the table, and sat down opposite Celestia.

“Greetings, my four-legged companion,” said the emperor.

Celestia did not respond.

“I know you like tea, so I had my servants prepare a pot just for us. Jasmine, with a touch of sugar.”

She simply stared at him for a few moments, as though sizing him up, before nodding her head. “Thank you, Emperor.”

The Emperor leaned back as Celestia poured herself a cup of tea. “I apologize for the rather extreme measures we had to take, but, well, I’m sure you understand.”

Celestia softly blew on her cup of tea, and sipped it. “Oh, it’s no trouble at all, really.”

The emperor clapped his talons together. “Excellent! Well, let’s get down to business, shall we?” He motioned towards one of his underlings, who carefully handed him a stack of papers.

The princess continued sipping her tea, watching silently.

"I had my diplomats prepare an initial document for you to peruse, but I am a merciful leader. I am still willing to negotiate the specific terms of Equestria's surrender—"

"Oh no, we're not here to talk about that," interrupted Celestia, carefully pouring herself another cup of tea with her hooves.

The leader of the griffons paused. "Oh? Then what, exactly, are we here to discuss?" he inquired, folding his talons together.

"We're here," said Celestia, setting the teapot down, "to talk about your unconditional surrender to Equestria, and the immediate and permanent demilitarization of your nation."

The emperor burst into laughter. "An amusing joke, Celestia, but these are serious matters."

"It's not a joke," continued Celestia. "I, Princess Celestia, commander of the Equestrian military, am hereby demanding that your country lay down its arms and surrender itself immediately and unconditionally."

The emperor rolled his eyes. "Oh, really now? And what does the Griffon Empire have to fear from Equestria's feeble military? We are a proud race of warriors, a military force powerful enough to wipe your pitiful existence off the face of the planet! Why would we ever surrender to the likes of you?!"

"Oh, it's quite simple, really," explained Celestia, "either you surrender to me, or I'll kill you. Then I'll kill your guards. I'll kill every last griffon in this palace until you birdbrains get it through your thick, pathetic skulls that Equestria will not be trifled with, under any circumstances, ever."

His mouth agape in confusion, the emperor stared at the delusional alicorn in front of him. "You can't be serious," the Emperor exclaimed, "Your wings are bound, you wear an inhibitor ring, and there's an anti-magic field around this palace that extends for five miles. What are you going to do, kill me with your tiara?"

"Tea cup, actually," said Celestia, calmly sipping the last drops of her beverage.

The Emperor looked at her incredulously. "What did you say to me?!"

Princess Celestia gently placed her now empty tea cup face down on the tablecloth in front of her, and looked straight into the Emperor's eyes. "I said, I'll kill you with my tea cup."

The griffon emperor snorted and held his face in his talons. "Oh, for crying out loud, this would be easier if I just killed you instead."

Celestia smiled. "Oh, you're welcome to try. I'm sure if you presented my dead body to my nation, they would immediately surrender to your unstoppable might."

Raising an eyebrow, the emperor wrapped one of his talons around his sword. "Really? That's... interesting."

"Of course, you're too woefully incompetent to ever manage it."

A flash of anger leapt across the emperor's eyes, and his grip tightened. With a sudden roar, he leapt up into the air, drawing his sword. In a fraction of a second, the emperor's wings were fully extended, and he lunged at the Equestrian Princess with blinding speed. One could barely process the glint of metal as he sailed over the tabletop with deadly accuracy, his sword aimed directly for her heart.

To Celestia, he might as well have been moving in slow motion.

The Princess smashed her teacup into three jagged pieces with a hoof, and in the blink of an eye, had picked up a shard and thrown it directly at the emperor's chest. The sharp chunk of marble embedded itself in his armor with a quiet thunk as Celestia rose upwards, bringing a gold-adorned hoof towards the emperor's chest in an impossibly fast punch.

The roar of the emperor was cut short with a quiet "Oof." Celestia's hoof had smashed into his chest with enough force to dent the armor, and had driven the small, jagged spike straight through his heart and nearly out the other side.

For a moment, all was still. Princess Celestia was frozen, standing on her hind legs with one hoof extended upwards, effortlessly suspending the emperor's entire armored body above her. His sword clattered to the floor below, and his body slowly slid off the golden hoof, smashing half the silverware on the table. The griffon gave a few last disbelieving sputters before his eyes finally glazed over.

A single imperial guard managed to gather enough of his wits to charge at Celestia, swinging a razor sharp blade at her throat. The alicorn spun around and delivered a buck to the guard's stomach powerful enough to send him flying all the way to the other side of the room before smashing into the arc above the doorway. He was dead before he hit the ground.

The assembled guards stared at the white pony in front of them, holding their weapons with trembling talons. The white monarch calmly sat back down, and her horn glowed. The inhibitor ring melted into molten slag that flowed harmlessly down Celestia's cheeks. There was a quiet whine in the air that grew louder and louder before suddenly ceasing, and the entire anti-magic field around the capital of Gryphonia simply winked out of existence. The bindings around her wings were vaporized so quickly they didn't have time to catch fire.

Princess Celestia picked up the teapot with her magic and calmly poured herself another cup. "I do love tea," she said to the army of guards assembled in front of her.

A short while later, Princess Celestia strode out of the Emperor's castle, stopping just short of the grand staircase. Floating beside her in a golden light was an official diplomatic treaty declaring Gryphonia's unconditional surrender to Equestria and the griffon emperor's dead body. With a flick of her magic, she sent the corpse tumbling down the stairs to the crowd below, and a hush fell across the city.

Slowly, one by one, the griffons bowed to the alicorn princess, until there wasn't a single griffon in the entire city standing upright. Celestia stood tall, her once graceful form now an intimidating visage.

A ghost of a smile crept along her lips.

"You keep what you kill."

Author's Note

A prereader thought this story was quite... riddickulous.