Old-Fashioned Bar Hoppers

by Tired Old Man

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Mayor Mare, Granny Smith, Comedy
Length: 6943

Celestia, Granny Smith, and Mayor Mare go bar hopping. Shenanigans are mandatory.

Celestia has ruled over Equestria for over a millenium. Granny Smith kept a close eye on Sweet Apple Acres for centuries. Mayor Mare's tireless work kept Ponyville from collapsing into complete chaos most of the time. All of them do their best to keep their heads level in a topsy-turvy world, but even they need some time to wind down.

But how? Do they get drunk together and participate in wacky shenanigans?

In a word? Yes.

This is a side story to Letters From an Irritated Princess. Knowledge of it shouldn't be required to enjoy the story, but it can't hurt, either.

Cover art generously provided by Zaid ValRoa. Thanks a bunch!

Published 2015-03-06 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-03 20:18:50 UTC

The Night Granny Lost Her Dentures

Pollock's Pub, a lofty place sitting in the city on top of the world, Cloudsdale. The drinks were always cold, the temperature even colder, but the nightlife is as hot and active as any other establishment on a Sunday night. There was no line outside; the building had plenty of space to hold the party-goers inside, and VIP lists didn't exist here. If you wanted to come for fun, to chill out, or just lose yourself in the excitement of the place, this was where it was at.

A chariot, painted white and decorated with gold trim, came to a stop just outside the establishment. The two pegasi pulling it, decked out in similarly lavish gold armor, casted wary glances around the area, making sure the area was safe for the passengers they ferried, and could safely depart. Once they gave the all-clear, three ponies stepped out and moved towards the set of black double doors leading into the pub.

A golden glow enveloped the doors as they opened, letting the three ponies inside. Beyond the doors, magic of a whole different sort played out on the floor. Young Pegasi, Earth and Unicorn ponies packed themselves denser than a sardine can on the dance floor, with little movements to be made beyond shifting and head-bobbing to the pumping music from the DJ's booth in the back. Strobe lights pulsed and speakers pounded out a beat that gave a heavy, fast-paced rhythm to the place that would get anypony young and filled with vigor to get out and dance if they could. But, you know, sardine can. Good luck.

But the three that entered weren't young, not in the slightest. All three were much older than the younger crowd, the oldest well over a millenium. The head of the group, a white alicorn, towered over the others, her horn adding even more unnecessary height to her impressive stature. Though she's normally seen wearing golden regalia and a crown, tonight she wore none, but wore a pleasant smile that one swore would gleam like sunbeams.

To her left was the smallest of their group, a green Earth pony mare with their mane done up in a bun, and seemingly about to bust her hip at any given moment. A few gave her some odd looks just trying to process the amount of wrinkles on her face and the hitch in her step, but an icy glare met their curious gaze, and the onlookers found themselves looking elsewhere.

The last of the trio on the right was also Earth, but had a tan coat and gleaming silver hair. Golden half-rimmed glasses rested upon her snout as the only accessory she wore. Many others might have recognized her better if she wore her collar and cravat, but that was business; she came here for pleasure, as did her friends.

As densely packed as the floor was, the ponies, upon recognizing who was among them, parted their sea of sweaty bodies to let the three through. Even the bartender at the other end of the dance floor stopped polishing his glass to take in the sight as they approached and silently took three stools at the bar, disbelief written on his face with a definition underneath it to boot.

The bartender shook his head, set down his glass, and swallowed. "What... what'll you lovely ladies have?" He asked in a tone equal parts earnest and earnestly intimidated.

"Three shots of your finest coffee liqueur," Celestia began.

"What? Celly, I told ye I'm not tired!" Granny Smith piped up.

"But I am. Do you know how many damage claims reports I had to read today? I had to slap myself awake every five minutes to keep my concentration," Mayor Mare countered.

"But ye read reports like that all day, Mayor! It's bad fer your eyes!"

"Says the mare that can't tell the difference between an apple and an orange ten feet away."

Granny steeled her gaze at Mayor for a second, before breaking out into a guffaw. "Ye got me there!"

The bartender's gaze shot between the two back and forth as they conversed before stopping at Celestia in between. She giggled a bit before saying, "Just pour the drinks. They're like this all the time." At that, he shrugged, and turned around to start on the drinks. The crowd came to the same sense as the bartender, and quickly resumed their partying.

"Hey, Celly."

"Yes, Granny?" Celestia turned, her smile still incandescent.

"Your sister came back a few days ago, right? Why ain't she with us?"

The smile dimmed. "She wanted to come, but I tried to get her reaccustomed to the way things get done in Canterlot."

"Night court?"

Celestia nodded, and Granny grimaced. "Yeeep, that. I'm not sure if she'll do it, but I said she didn't have to before I left. Don't want to integrate her too fast, or it'll overwhelm her."

Three shot glasses were set in front of the mares, a dark brown liquid in each with a thin, white layer of sweet cream on top.

"I know the feeling," Mayor chimed in before taking a sip of the liqueur. Celestia and Granny followed, the latter sniffing the drink and taking in the sickly sweet odor before having her sip.

"Oh?"

"Yep. Got a new secretary a few days ago. Bit of an airhead, but I'm breaking her in to the mundanity of combing through stacks of paperwork."

"Is she taking to it?"

Mayor took a long breath. "What do you think, Celestia?"

"She's driving you up the wall." The reply was blunt, and Mayor snorted before raising the glass to her lips.

"Heh, maybe through the roof, too."

Mayor spat and sputtered before leveling her gaze at Granny, whose glass was already empty. "Don't make jokes like that, Granny!"

“Why not? You have a hole in yer roof at least once a month without fail. What was it last time that went through your roof?”

Mayor cast her eyes downward, mumbling something half-heard by her companions. “...pler jam… bucked...”

“Whuzzat? Couldn’t hear ye.”

“I said my stapler jammed and I bucked it out of my office!” She slammed the bar with a hoof for effect, and in effect, topped her glass of liqueur over. Her face flushed red, and she retracted her hoof.

“So that’s what that money request for office supplies was for,” Celestia added in realization before calmly sipping her drink, held aloft in her aura.

“Yes,” Mayor said as she brought a hoof to her head. “My apologies for the frivolous expenditure, Celestia.”

Celestia looked down, and gave a warm smile at her friend. “It’s no problem at all, Mayor. I have so many bits sitting in my vault I could go swimming in them if I wanted to.” Celestia paused for a moment before adding, “And no, you can’t swim. The treasurer is angry enough that I do it sometimes.”

“You have a vault filled with bits?!” Granny exclaimed.

Craning her head back to Granny, Celestia said, “Granny, you have a cellar full of enough cider to swim in. I would easily trade my vault for yours.”

Granny didn’t hesitate. “No deal, Celly. My cider, my rules.”

“I thought as much.” Celestia finished her drink with a dainty gulp, and set the glass down. As soon as it hit, the bartender returned.

“Care for another round?”

“Got any whiskey that’ll have us keelin over in thirty minutes or less?" Granny asked.

The bartender blinked at the question, but didn't hesitate beyond that. "Uh, sure thing. We got Shame's Sour Mash, Barrel o' Drunk Monkeys, Fuzzy? Get Dizzy, Whisker's, and a favorite here called Lost and Found."

"Ooh, that last one sounds good. What's the proof?"

"A hundred twenty."

"Yeehaw! Fire me up, sonny," Granny said before turning to her companions. "You ladies want in? Or are ye too chicken-livered?"

"Challenging me again, Granny?" Celestia replied with a daring smirk. "But I won the last round. Are you sure?" Granny Smith nodded, confidence clear in her eyes, and Celestia turned to face the bartender. "Then we go double or nothing."

"D-Double?" the bartender asked.

"You heard the princess. Two shots for each of us to start, and don’t stop for either of us," Granny confirmed.

The bartender audibly gulped before turning to Mayor Mare. She shook her head. "Just one for me, thanks. They need a judge with a mostly clearer head than them."

The bartender shrugged again, and procured a tall, rounded bottle from among the many on the shelves behind the bar. It bore a large box marked "Lost and Found" on the front with a few pony's legs splayed out and hung over two edges, A hefty Surgeon General warning on the bottom of the label stated pregnant mares shouldn't drink this, with an added caution that probably no pony should unless they've taken necessary precautions.

"Uh, before I pour this, can I ask for payment in adva--" A large bag of bits hit the table; just by sound and the size, he knew there were easily a good thousand bits inside of it.

"I believe that should cover our tab for tonight, plus tip. Oh, and one bottle of Whisker's for the ride home, if you please. Have the guards outside hold onto it," Celestia said.

"My pleasure, Princess!" Whatever reservations the bartender carried melted away in moments as he set five shot glasses on the table and hastily poured the shots. As soon as the glasses were topped off, he scooped up a bottle of the requested whiskey and called over one of the servers, relaying Celestia's request as if it were of the highest order which… well, it technically was.

As the bartender went about his business--not to mention scavenging around the bar for more shot glasses--Granny brought her snout to her glass as she did before, and wrinkled her face at the odor before a great smile wrought upon her face. This stuff had some fight in it for certain, and while it didn’t kick like a jilted mule, it would easily pass for their competition tonight.

"Ready fer a whoopin', Celly?" she declared as she raised her glass.

Celestia raised her own. "Game on, Granny."

Mayor chuckled behind the two, and brought her glass up. "Alright girls, as soon as mine hits the table, the game's on."

Mayor raised her glass to her lips, and downed the shot. Immediate regret became a forefront as the burn made itself clear instantly. She swallowed before letting it linger any further, and the passing thought of swallowing brimstone didn't feel like it was too far off the mark.

The glass hit the bar, and the other two mares began drinking their own.

~~~

Twenty minutes had passed since that first glass, if Mayor read the clock above the entrance correctly. Although it was difficult for her to be sure; she swore the second hand froze for a second every time a minute passed.

Not that her companions minded that, or paid attention to anything else. What started as two glasses became ten, then twenty. Mayor lost count after thirty once the bartender started sneaking away some of the glasses to clean them for other customers, but at least fifteen still remained on the bar next to Celestia and Granny Smith, Celestia winning by one.

Granny's face mimicked the shade of her staple red apples at Sweet Apple Acres. Were it not for one hoof firmly resting on the bar, Mayor was certain she'd lose her balance if she tilted too far away. Her other hoof showed similar grip on the shot glass it held, the whiskey staying mostly level despite Granny's swaying motions. A fierce grin crossed her lips before she downed the glass and set it on the table, bringing the count to sixteen and evening the score.

"Ishyer turn, Celleshtia," Granny slurred.

Celestia was in similar dire straits. Gone was her regal composure as her swaying mimicked Granny's, one hoof bracing the stool while the other held the glass. Around the tenth drink, she couldn't muster the concentration to hold it, but that wouldn't grind this contest to a halt.

Celestia levelled a gaze at her opponent holding a cocky grin and the face of an old tomato. Her appearance hardly fared better, a rosy tinge coloring her face a shade of pink recognizable to all in Ponyville. To make matters worse, hiccups had come to her, and now she had to time her drinks accordingly.

As soon as one such hiccup passed, Celestia took her chance and downed her own glass. The initial burn felt from that first shot had died down to measly embers mixed in with a numb, empty sensation, and with a hasty gulp, the mild tingling sensation from the liquor in her mouth vanished in seconds. Her glass came down on the bar, leading the race by one again, before looking at Granny with a sheepish grin.

"Thatsh... all you got, Gran? You're not--hic--even trying, are you?"

Fuming at the jab, Granny relinquished her hold on the bar, daring to grab two glasses at once. "Ah'll show ye who's tryin!" She cried before pouring both in her mouth at the same time. A small droplet splashed off her upper lip, and made contact with her eye.

The glasses flew into the air as Granny spat her drink all over Celestia, cursing and muttering a storm the likes of which every pony in the bar hadn't heard. But something more terrifying than her tirade flew from Granny's lips than ill words, and it wasn't the shot glasses falling from the sky.

Warm, damp, and reeking of whiskey, Granny's dentures landed on Celestia's lap. Celestia, despite her drunken haze and lost composure, acted in a reasonable, straightforward manner.

"Eeeeeeekk!" Celestia flailed out of her seat, crashing to the floor and kicking the dentures out of her lap and into the dancing area. In seconds, her scream was drowned out as everypony on the floor panicked.

"Mah teef!" Granny mouthed as her dentures bounced around like a foal in a bounce house. She squinted her eyes, trying her hardest to keep track of her pink-and-white chompers.

Mayor, on the other hoof, fell out of her seat doubled over in laughter. Even among the screaming ponies, Celestia and Granny could hear it loud and clear, the latter breaking her gaze off her dentures to lay into the laughing mare.

"Mayor, thash not funny!" Granny spat.

Mayor's laughter only increased in volume as Granny's dentures flew around the bar, scaring every patron within a three-foot radius of it. Those not caught in its flight path, however, laughed at the spectacle before them as ponies slipped, fell, and slammed into each other haphazardously on the dance floor trying to avoid the renegade mouthpiece. Granny was not amused, scowling at her teeth having become an impromptu volleyball.

Celestia finally rose from the floor, woozy and holding a hoof to her head. "What happened?" she asked.

Mayor took a few breaths to calm herself before answering. "Granny... huff... her teeth are... touring the bar thanks to you."

Vaguely recalling the pink thing that landed in her lap just a moment earlier, Celestia badly repressed a snicker, and Granny cut her off. "Dontchu start too, Shelly! Can't ye do somethin' about mah teef flyin around?"

Celestia shook her head to clear it for a moment and said, "I can try." Summoning her arcane magics with the shred of concentration she mustered in that moment, she focused in on the dentures. A thin golden haze surrounded the object, halting its flight, ceasing the scuffle on the dance floor as everypony gazed at Granny’s dentures.

Celestia allowed herself a proud smile. Hah! I still got it. Now, I just need to pull it in and--

“Hic!” Misfiring on her pull magic, Celestia shot the dentures out the nearest window at breakneck speeds. The window glass never stood a chance.

Despite her dulled senses, Celestia felt Granny’s amber eyes burrowing divots into the back of her skull. Mustering the remainders of her current brainpower, she turned to answer that glare with the best response she could manage.

"Whoops."

The Night Luna and Mayor Left an Impression, Part 1

"Ah'm tellin ye Mayor, this place is great! I've been here with Celly before, and it's a real hootenanny!"

Mayor rolled her eyes. "Hootenanny? In a desert?!"

"Mesa," Celestia corrected. "And yes, it's more fun than this place looks."

"I'll believe that when I see something other than dead bushes and tumbleweeds, Princess," Mayor said as she turned away to look at said bushes and tumbleweeds flying by in the blink of an eye as the royal carriage tumbled along a roughly paved dirt road. The sunset made everything look slightly more pleasant to see, but little else beyond some distant plateaus were worth writing home about.

Mayor admired Celestia's carriage for the smooth ride, however. Despite its ornate appearance of golden frame and delicate-looking wheels, the carriage was remarkably sturdy, more than capable of taking a few hard bumps and scrapes. The inside of the carriage, lined with special red cushions that promised comfort and lack of any sense of the rough ride outside, served that exact purpose as the interior hardly shook around at all. It was a blessing in disguise, as none of the ponies inside, especially Mayor, were too fond of queasiness before even reaching their destination.

Celestia sat next to Granny inside the carriage, while Mayor sat next to Luna on the opposing side. Although Mayor could hardly believe it, Luna seemed perfectly normal and not the intimidating horror that threw her town into a panic some time ago. Even so, Luna had remained mostly quiet on the trip, content to listen to the other three as they made small talk to pass the time, with little more than quick affirmations when Celestia asked her something.

It made Mayor nervous. She expected Luna to be more talkative, from how Celestia spoke so highly of her. And when she looked at her, Luna's lips made little motions as if she wanted to speak, but held her tongue. Was she nervous too?

I might as well try and break the ice with her.

"So, uh, Luna, is it?"

Luna turned her head. "Yes, Mayor Mare?"

"I was wondering why you wanted to come along on this trip with us."

Luna tilted her head. "Are you saying I shouldn't have come?"

Mayor waved her hooves frantically. "Oh no no no! Not what I meant! I did NOT mean that!"

Luna giggled as Mayor tried to control her flustered appearance. "It's fine, Mayor. I simply wanted to come and be a part of the fun Celestia's been having with the two of you, see what it's like. You've been friends with her for a while now, right?"

Mayor cleared her throat, straightened herself and nodded. "I've known her for about sixty years. Why?"

"What was she like when you first met her?"

Mayor glanced over at Celestia, who was having her own conversation with Granny, before returning to Luna with a warm smile. "Imposing. She just about scared me out of my chair when she came to Ponyville after I was elected. Just showed up right in the office, no appointment or anything. I was sweating bullets thinking I did something wrong."

Luna giggled, but said nothing.

Mayor continued, "But when she came, she just wanted a friendly chat. Completely threw me for a loop at how informal she was, since I expected... well, formality. I thought her speech would be more flowery than a florist."

Luna snorted. "She's not big on formal affairs. Complains about day court to me all the time."

"Yeah, I learned that quickly. Once that registered, we just talked about... well, anything. Friends, town functions, family, small stuff to get to know each other.

"I didn't think I'd have much in common with a Princess, but she proved me wrong. Our biggest conversation was about liquor for hours on end." Mayor began making a few gestures with her hooves. "Wine, hard cider, ale, spirits, whiskey; you name it, we tried it. I suppose I should have known she'd had so many different kinds, some I hadn't even heard of, but she seemed genuinely impressed at how much I had tried. Then she invited to one of her bar outings with Granny that day, and before I knew it, I've gone out with her more times than I remember."

A roar of laughter snapped Mayor and Luna to the pair across from them. Celestia was doing her best to stifle her fit with a raised hoof, but Granny made no attempt to hide hers. Smiling at the scene, Mayor turned back to Luna once more.

"So what am I to expect, then? This is my first outing, so do you have any advice?" Luna inquired.

Mayor's response was blunt. "Be prepared for anything."

The carriage came to an abrupt stop, though the passengers hardly knew it until one of the guards, a brown Earth pony guard, opened the door. "We've arrived," he stated before stepping off to the side, keeping watch.

"Alright! It's party time!" Granny cheered before hopping off her seat and leaving the carriage.

Mayor huffed. "I'll keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn't throw out her hip again." A few steps later, and she was outside, leaving Luna and Celestia alone.

"Hey, Tia?" Luna asked as Celestia got up.

"Yes, Luna?"

"How exactly does one prepare for anything?"

~~~

"Yeesh, this place is emptier than I remember it," Granny commented as she glanced around the mesa.

"How can a mesa possibly be emptier?" Mayor asked as she caught up to her.

"Less cactuses." Granny pointed to a spot a few yards away, a round circle that was a few shades darker than the rest of the terrain. "Right there used to be this big ol' bulbous one about my height."

"You mean the last time you came here?" Mayor asked, examining the spot up-close. It seemed to feel warmer than the rest of the area. Maybe a touch wouldn't hu--

"OW!"

Correction: it felt searing hot.

Granny stifled a snort of laughter. "Easy, Mayor. Celly fell onto that cactus last time we came, and she was plumb mad at it. Scorched it clean to Tartarus, and the surrounding area too."

Mayor blew on her hoof a few times before setting it down. It stung a bit, but otherwise didn't hurt much. That was a good thing, especially if she had to heave Celestia's body onto the carriage.

"And it's still hot after all this time?"

"Eeyup, seems so."

"Was the ride home any better?"

Granny narrowed her eyes. "Ah spent the whole trip home pluckin pricks from her patootie."

"Ouch."

"She said that about twenty times. Just as many swears, too, 'specially for the deep ones."

Mayor raised an eyebrow. "Did she cry?"

Granny cracked a wicked smile. "Like a baby filly."

"Oh, you have GOT to tell me the whole story on that while she's present."

"Maybe once we're in the bar, Mayor. We oughta get rightly liquored up first."

Mayor nodded, and followed Granny as they headed toward the Bull's Horn Bar. The wooden sign on the entrance wore its namesake well, a giant bull horn proudly mounted with the words "Bull's" and "Horn" carved on the sides in big, blocky lettering, and painted a bright red that shined in the sunset. The rest of the exterior gave the impression the bar had seen better days; loose wooden boards, a broken window, and as Granny stepped up to the swinging doors, creaking sounds pierced Mayor's ears. Not even the Haunted House's steps on Nightmare Night groaned that loud.

As she ascended the steps and entered the bar, it quickly became apparent that the inside was leagues apart from the outside in appearance. The wood underhoof felt sturdy, polished to a shine with a deep oak finish. Tables with flagons of ale were strewn about, with merry patrons of all kinds happily drinking their fill. Granny had taken a seat in a booth at the far end of the bar, but Mayor found her attention drawn to something else.

Shelves lined with empty bottles of various liquors took up most of one wall, a collection Mayor found impressive... and slightly envious of. She recognized certain bottles on the shelves as being remarkably rare, be they for a label defect, limited quantity, and in one case, a bottle with liquor so foul and unpleasant most of it was scrapped by the manufacturer before it even hit store shelves.

"Nice collection, isn't it?" A thick, gruff voice asked from behind. Mayor turned around a saw a slightly pudgy brown minotaur, wearing a black apron tied around his waist. Polishing an old-fashioned glass with a white rag, he put on a broad, proud smile as he looked down at the inquisitive mare.

Mayor shuffled her hooves a bit before straightening herself. "Er, yes! Yes it is. It's just something that caught me off guard. I hardly expected such a vast collection in a place like this."

"Oh? You're a collector as well?" he asked, still polishing the glass.

"Indeed, and I must say, I'm impressed. That Shakey Bones bottle of brandy over there must have been a hard find. I don't even have one of those," Mayor said while gesturing to a rounded bottle, the faded label depicting a loose pile of bones.

The minotaur laughed heartily before setting down the glass on the bar behind him. "Miss, that's an understatement. I had traveled ten towns before I could even find it, and even then they made me bend over backwards and do somersaults in haggling before I could get a good trade for it."

Mayor snorted. "I'll bet you did... oh, goodness! Where are my manners?" She gestured to herself. "I'm Mayor Mare."

"Copper Spirit, and a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Mare."

The doors swung open as Celestia entered, Luna following close behind. Copper's ears perked at the sound, and he turned his head.

"Well well, if it ain't Miss Cactus Cooker. How's yer flank?"

Celestia's expression soured. "Clean and prick-free, thanks for asking."

"Glad to hear that, princess." Looking behind her, he noticed Luna glancing around the bar. "And who is this?"

"That would be Luna," Celestia replied. "My sister, in case you were wondering."

Copper smirked. "Ah, so that's two new faces to meet the wall tonight."

"The wall?" Mayor inquired.

Copper gestured to an open spot on the back wall, with no booths or seating around it. Thick gray padding lined that small section, easily enough to withstand many impacts, and clearly had done so. Despite the distance, Mayor could tell there were dark imprints of dirt and on the wall of various ponies and other creatures, including a few other minotaurs. Some imprints had even stacked upon one another, making it difficult to tell just how many had struck the wall, but one impression managed to stand out among the rest, with a large, outstretched wingspan and a telltale lengthy horn visible on the padding.

"Hah, Celestia, there's an imprint on the wall that looks just like you!" Mayor laughed at her discovery. Luna, after a moment, noticed what Mayor saw and suppressed a giggle.

Celestia smirked at Mayor. "Hehe, yeah, there is. And you two will make a mark too."

"Oh, please. Like I'd willingly--wait, what?" Luna began before stopping halfway, catching her sister's words. Mayor was in a similar stunned state of reaction, half-hoping that Celestia was joking.

As they registered what Celestia just said, Copper spoke up. "Yep. That's the one rule here at Bull's Horn: newcomers must leave an impression on the Wall of Hard Knocks before they're allowed to drink here."

Copper glanced between two sets of eyes wider than saucers. It was not an unfamiliar sight to him; many held the face he saw, even Celestia, and that surprised him.

"Don't worry, you two. You won't be harmed," Celestia reassured.

Mayor pointed to Celestia's dent in the padding. "You call that unharmed?!"

"It only looks bad, Mayor. Trust me on this."

Unconvinced, Mayor turned to Copper. "Are you sure that's safe?"

"Miss Mare, if it wasn't, I wouldn't be serving drinks, but serving time. It's as safe as can be, and if you're still not convinced--" Copper gestured to Granny at the booth "--she's done it too, and lived to tell the tale.

"Now, shall we get started?" Copper asked as he walked over to a machine situated opposite the padded wall. Boasting a crude wooden frame and various gear mechanisms, it mimicked the shape of a bucking bull, with two red pads mimicking hooves aiming square at the gray pad.

As Copper turned it on, steam hissed as pistons shot the red pads out, then slowly compressed themselves into their closed position. A loud THUNK sounded as they locked into place, and after a brief inspection from Copper, the machine was ready to buck.

"Ooh, is it time for Old Iron Hooves?!"

"Ah think so. Hoo hoo boy, those girls are in for it."

"Someone save me a front-row seat. I gotta take a leak."

Murmurs of curiosity and excitement filled the bar as chairs scraped across the floor, the patrons arranging the chairs in a theatre-like setting. Granny shifted to the other side of the booth, eager to get a good view of the action. Celestia joined her at the booth, content on seeing it from a distance, unlike the raucous crowd.

"Who's first?"

Luna and Mayor exchanged glances, Mayor still uncertain as to who would go--

"We will go first," Luna proudly proclaimed.

...and so Luna went first, to the enjoyment of the inebriated audience, with more than a few mugs of cider rising in agreement. The cheers emboldened the fair Princess of the Night as she strode up to the machine with a firm, proud gait. Stopping at the designated spot, she stared down the machine that bested her sister with confidence in her eyes.

"Bring your best, you rusty hunk of--OOF!"

A deep blue blur shot through the air so fast Mayor swore she would have missed it if she blinked. All grace and dignity in Luna's form vanished as she SLAMMED into the padding on the wall. Luna's eyes rolled around in a walleyed daze for a moment before she peeled off the pad, leaving an impression slightly smaller than Celestia in a vertically-flipped mirror image. A final thud to the floor marked the end of Luna's journey, followed by the raucous cheers and laughter of the bar patrons.

Mayor's jaw threatened to drop off her face and clatter to the floor. Oh no no no no NO! I am NOT doing this! I have standards!

Luna scrambled her hooves a bit before finding her footing, still slightly dazed. Copper strode over to her, a beaming grin on his face. "Congratulations, Princess! Welcome to the Bull's Horn!" Grasping her fore hoof, he held it high for all to see, and the cheering escalated to match the accomplishment.

After a moment or so, Luna regained enough sense to speak. "Did I... win?"

Copper gestured to the pad. "Princess Luna, you've left a fine mark on the wall. That's a winning hit if I ever saw it. Now, go on and take a seat at the booth." Copper turned his head to Mayor. "There's still one more to go. Come on, Miss Mare. Take this bull by the horns!"

"I... I, uh..."

"Come on, Mayor! Ye can do this!" Granny cheered from the booth.

"Everypony, I think she needs a little motivation! Mayor! Mayor!" Celestia added.

"Mayor! Mayor!" cheered the crowd of patrons in response.

And then, among the cheering, she remembered. Mayor Mare came here with friends, to have a good time, to drink and share fun moments... and, she supposed, to weather a strong blow. Backing down was still an option.

And yet, it wasn't. Wiping her awestruck face with a hoof, she clacked her teeth, and cracked her neck as she leveled determined eyes at Copper.

"Let's do this."

The Night Mayor and Luna Left an Impression, Part 2

"Oh gods, WHY did I do that?!" Mayor braced a large sack on her forehead brimming with ice, not moving from her spot in the booth next to Luna, with Granny and Celestia on the other side of the table.

The table now played host to four mugs of hard cider, offered on the house as a result of Luna and Mayor's additions to the wall. Nopony mentioned that bonus to either of them, but once Copper explained, they didn't complain one darn bit.

"Only you know the answer to that, Mayor. You angled yourself to hit the wall face first," Celestia responded before taking a sip from her hard cider mug.

Luna finished a swig of her mug. "Not even I did that."

"But why didn't any of you discourage it?!"

"Well, ye seemed pretty sure of yourself," Granny stated before taking a few sips from her mug.

"Granny, I wasn't sure a minute before that! Both of you saw my fa--ow!" Mayor clutched the ice bag even tighter to her head. "This hurts so much, you know. Can't even sip mine at all--"

Suddenly, Mayor's mug bathed in a warm yellow glow as Celestia lifted the mug up to Mayor's lips. It was... weird. Definitely weird, but given her hooves were occupied trying to make her head hurt less, this weird thing was welcome as she took a few sips while Celestia was offering.

"Thanks," she said after taking a good sip, letting the tangy cider slide down her throat with ease as Celestia sat the mug on the table.

"Of course. Just let me know when you can handle the mug yourself."

Mayor nodded her head, then turned her head back to glance at her impression on the mat.

Unlike every other imprint which showed a rough outline of a pony shape, Mayor's head had imprinted so cleanly it even got the outline of her mane, and a wrinkle or two beneath her eyes. Further, it left the mark very deep in the mat, and according to Copper, it was likely going to stay for a long time. It would definitely make the rounds as the tale of a mare who took the Bull Horn challenge headfirst and lived. Mayor groaned at the thought.

"So, Mayor, how are things in Ponyville?" Celestia asked.

"Is now really a good time to ask me that while my head's throbbing like a jackhammer?"

"Fair point." Celestia turned to Granny. "Granny, how are things?"

"Oh, they're just fine. Orchard's still operatin' at peak efficiency thanks to my grandkids, and the trees are still going strong. We're in the middle of a harvest right now, actually."

"Ah. So Little Mac couldn't make it, then?"

"Big Mac now, Celly. And no, he couldn't. Too exhausted after today's harvest--that boy went to bed early, and wouldn't have it otherwise. Turned me down when I asked."

"Aw, that's a shame. I wanted to see how big he was."

Luna spat out a bit of cider. "Sister, you don't mean..."

Celestia's eyes widened, and frantically waved her hooves. "NOT in that way!"

Granny blinked, then cackled, rolling back and forth in her seat.

"Ha ha ha hee hee hoo... hah, you... you really meant--"

"I DID NOT!"

The laughter from the old mare merely escalated as Celestia's face turned a shade of red that would make tomatoes jealous. It refused to fade as Granny's infectious laughter had spread across the table, with Mayor biting her lip to keep from bursting, and Luna covering her mouth with a hoof.

Celestia had sunk into the booth and covered her head with her hooves, intent on drowning out the laughter as much as possible. Then after a moment, she'd felt a hoof slap on her back a few times.

"It's alright, Celly. We're just givin ye a bit of a hard time," Granny reassured. "I know ye didn't mean that, but I tell you what, your sister has a mighty dirty mind," she added as she casted a glance at Luna.

"Guilty as charged!" Luna proudly declared before returning to her mug.

"Anyhoot, the orchard's fine, Celly. Cider ought to roll in right on time this year."

"Good. It would be an awful shame if we had a repeat of one of 'those' years," Celestia replied, adding a small shudder at the end of her statement. Granny and Mayor mimicked the reaction, while Luna was still nursing her mug, unsure of what they were referring to.

"Drink to forget?" Granny quickly raised her mug.

Celestia raised hers in response while lifting Mayor's mug. "To forget!" They both replied before taking some well-needed gulps.

Luna shrugged, and added a "To forget" to their round of forgetfulness as well before topping off her mug of cider. Even if she didn't know what they were forgetting, she had some things to forget of her own accord.

A few hearty chugs later, and all four had finished their cider. Although hardly any of them were truly blitzed to high heaven, Mayor and Celestia were the first to bear a light rosy tint on their faces. Luna and Granny had yet to show any signs, but that wasn't likely to stay true for long.

"Need another round, girls?" Copper strolled by almost as soon as their mugs hit the table, balancing a round plate of cider in one hoof.

All of them nodded, and Copper went to work, swapping the empty mugs with fresh ones in seconds. As he did so, he glanced at Mayor Mare, who braced the ice pack on her head with a vice-like grip that didn't seem to quit.

"Head still hurts, Miss Mare?" Copper asked.

"In more ways than one, Copper."

Copper laughed. "I should think so! Nopony's done what you did before since... well, never!"

Mayor groaned even louder. "You're making this sound worse."

"Worse? Worse?! Mayor, I'm indebted to you at this point. Your face will be the talk of the bar for years! Decades, even! You should hardly be ashamed of this!

"And, well, I really want to give you something for making such an impression on this place. Hang on."

Copper rushed back to the bar for a moment to set down the tray of empty mugs, then walked over to the wall of liquor bottles and plucked one off the shelf. As he came back, the bottle's familiar label came into view, and Mayor gasped.

Copper set the bottle of Shakey Bones Brandy on the table.

"I'd like you to have this for your collection."

"What? But you travelled ten towns to find that!"

"I can travel ten more to find another. But even if I don't find one, you should still keep this. If anything, I'd like this to do something for you as much as you've done for my bar. Please, take it."

Any rebuttal to Copper's gift died on her tongue. "I... don't know what to say."

"You don't have to, Miss Mare. Your actions have spoken more than enough. Now then, I won't keep you ladies from enjoying your night."

As Copper turned around, Mayor muttered a few words he didn't quite catch. Yet even so, he knew what they were, and a smile formed.

"Thank you."

And with that, the four mares at the booth spent the rest of their evening, drinking away the night until it became but a blur in their minds. For three of them, it would remain a foggy instance of happy memories and good times.

One, however, would leave that bar, carrying a memento that ensured she would clearly remember this trip for a long, long time.

The Night Granny Lost Her Dentures - Aftermath

Dear Granny Smith,

I extend my deepest apologies on behalf of my ill-conceived actions last night. Shooting your dentures out of the bar was NOT part of my recovery plan to get your teeth back, and the follow-up of me smashing head-first into the door to get them back met with predictable results.

I don't know how you two and the guards managed to get me on the chariot, but you have my thanks in making sure I didn't cause any more property damage. I probably would have turned the town upside down looking for those if they didn't fall off, and I mean that in a literal sense.

You know that I didn't mean to fire your dentures out of the bar, and again I thank you for accepting my delirious apologies 26 times over losing your teeth on the way to Ponyville... er, 27 total if you count this one.

However, I absolutely insist on paying for your replacement dentures. I know you have about five spare sets because of your dentist's weird obsession with teeth--yes, even for a dentist--but this was one I lost, not you.

Let me know when you have a new set coming, and I'll foot the bill for it. Just please don't make it cost a ridiculous fortune; I'm paying for teeth, not a gem-studded grill.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. According to Mayor, I still won. Not gonna rub it in, but I will say I'm ready for a rematch when you are. We both know that victory came about via a dubious conclusion anyway.