Chapter 1: Starlight Manifesto
You know the old saying? When at first you don’t succeed, try again. Well, I was certainly taking that to heart when the ‘at first you don’t’ part reared its unsightly head.
Here I write my manifesto to any future revolutionaries out there ready to cast off the iron chains of cutie marks and walk into the light of true friendship and true happiness. Just like my own slice of utopia before it got, well… destroyed.
“Burn it! Burn it all to the ground! Burn it all!”
“Uh, Twilight, what are they doing?” Fluttershy asked.
Twilight backed away, soon followed by the rest of the mane six. The townsponies they had liberated from the cruel rule of Starlight Glimmer were gathered around her home with torches, like a bunch of moths attracted to a flame.
“Well, looks like they’re going to burn Starlight’s house to the ground,” Twilight said.
“Burn the despot’s home! Down with tyranny! Back to monarchy under the princesses!” the townponies chanted.
What followed afterward was the entire home being set ablaze with many cheers following. The wood turned into ash and the contents of the abode burned to rubble in mere seconds. The cheers only grew in size and volume.
“Wow, big surprise: these guys sucked at making houses too,” Rainbow Dash said.
Then the townsponies gathered around the blazing wreckage and held hooves, chanting all at once, “Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya.”
After the first dozen or so times, the mane six collectively left the town. They left running, flying, or just racing as fast as they could to escape the light of the fire. And without even speaking to one another they agreed:
We are never going to go back to that whacko town ever again.
Everything was going so wonderously at the time. I had an entire town beneath my hoof. They were happy, of course, no matter what the dissenters said. They were always smiling all the time, so sweet and kind, and managed to pull off their singing roles perfectly!
Now, some would say they were brainwashed. No, not hardly.
Were they complaisant? Well, of course, but only to authority. That was to be expected for any society, especially a revolutionary contemporary one such as mine. Miserable? Ha, the thought makes me snicker whenever I even consider it. They recognized their place, they were all equally satisfied and sound with it. There was no competition, no envy, no petty bitterness or any form of superiority complex. It was… paradise!
“No, no, NO!” Starlight Glimmer stomped her hoof on the ground and focused a terrifying glare on Double Diamond. “Ego feeds concrete?! Concrete?! It’s conceit, Double Diamond, conceit! C-O-N-C-E-I-T! Get it right or else nopony will be impressed by the song!”
The poor stallion cowered before her, while everypony else sighed and groaned and cleared their throats to prepare to repeat the song. Again. For the fifty-seventh time that day.
“I-I’m sorry, Starlight, it was just a slip of the t-tongue!” Double Diamond stuttered.
Starlight was having none of it, and instead held his cheeks and shook his head like a ragdoll. “How can ego feed concrete, Double Diamond? How can it?! Are you telling me the entire point to giving up our cutie marks is so that we can prevent ego feeding concrete? Is that it?!”
“N-n-no!” Double Diamond was reduced to tears now, and even worse, a hot river of snot flowed from his nostrils. “Ego c-can’t feed concrete. I know this now, I swear!”
“Good.” Starlight released Double Diamond’s head, with the rest of the sobbing mess of a stallion following suit on the ground. “If nopony objects, I do believe we’ll have to practice again. And again, until we get it perfectly.” Starlight smiled and tapped her chin. “Another, oh, I don’t know… twenty-five times? Actually, fifty, just to be safe.”
Of course, nopony objected.
And in the end, even after all the love and support I gave them when nopony else could, they abandoned me!
Bunch of jerks.
No worries. Governments have toppled all the time. My utopia—no matter how impeccable—would still have those cracks that would have to be dealt with eventually. Which is why I had a plan to revise those misconceptions of those who did not sympathize with the grander scheme of the utopia.
Fill those cracks in with cement—or rather—propaganda until the recipient finally succombed to the proper understanding. And if that doesn’t work, eventually name-calling and ostracizing them to the North Pole would have to do. It was going so swimmingly too, until…
Her.
Of course, the Princess.
Twilight, oh Twilight, you were my ticket to the big leagues. The all up and coming piece to the final puzzle. The first step of a grand thousand more. I was so close to taking it, but it was stolen from me at the last moment.
With her I could have had everypony incorporated into the utopia. None would question the jurisdiction of one above the Princess in capabilities. With her as my prize, why, all of Equestria would have gladly bowed down and deferred to the resolve of the one pony who knew what was best for everypony.
Me.
Starlight stared at her can of beans over a pathetic fire somewhere deep into the system of caves and tunnels she had found herself lost in. It had been two days since her escape from town… or had it been three?
Eh, it didn’t matter. She was lost with no signs of a way out. Putting up signs beforehand would have been a good idea. Heck, a map would have been a better one. Actually, a bedroll not filled with lumps would have been even a better one. However, it was only upon eating her first grisly, glompy, and utterly unsatisfying bite of beans that she realized packing better food for the trek would have been the best idea of all.
Much like the beans, hindsight was a cruel mistress that knew no mercy. Also, both were probably going to give her indigestion sometime soon.
At least her tears made the beans salty enough to choke down.
Why bow to Celestia? The bloated sun princess—and I use this term in the most literal way, because come on, everypony’s seen the photos of her and that cake (not one cake, but five) by now—knew nothing of her subjects’ worries and woes.
Why should she? She was paragon of this earthly realm in their eyes, and how could perfection know the flaws of the ponies? She was eternally young, flawlessly graceful, a truly sublime goddess in the light of the sun that cast only shadows over the subjects she governed.
I was better than she ever was I knew the common ponies and treated them like my equals! I mean, sure, I was technically more equal than them since I still kept my magic and cutie mark, but still, a heck of a lot better than that useless Princess Celestia!
What did she know about being a pony—a true pony—with all the transgressions and imperfections?
Nothing!
Celestia was feeling a bit sluggish today. Actually, lazy was a better word. In fact, if she was anymore lazy she’d be full-blown comatose by now.
Thus far she had only moved three feet today. And that was just in her bed. Her magic did the rest of the work for her: raising the sun, signing some legal papers, vetoing a bill that would allow ponies to bear arms to… well, apparently whack each other on the head with them. How do these nimrods come up with these bills anyhow?
In any event, her day was done before noon, and for the remainder of the time she participated in her favorite pastime: gorging herself on junk food until she passed out, woke up, overindulged in another helping, slept that off, and finally finished it all off by guzzling down an entire barrel of molasses. This process took about an hour or two but was—in her opinion—totally worth it.
As she dipped a giant soft pretzel in some cheese sauce while covering it in chocolate drizzle and sprinkles, Celestia looked down at her smooth stomach. As nopony else was in the room and she had the entire day to herself, she shrugged to herself, and ended her secret time-practiced illusion spell.
Immediately her stomach protruded out like she had doubled in size. That size was mostly concentrated in her stomach and love handles, however.
“Ahhhh, much better,” Celestia said with a sigh of content before she brought the cheesy, chocolatey, salty treat to her drooling lips.
It never stood a chance.
And so was Twilight. Born to this earth, she ascended to princessdom to stand side by side with the old despot. Oh, what cruel irony was this that a mere mortal could become a princess?
Also, why couldn’t it have been me? I was plenty pretty enough to be a princess. Not to mention exceptionally qualified in magic, a real pony-person, and did I mention the beautiful part? Twilight was okayish, but really, was she princess material? Don’t think so.
In any event (I still know for a fact I’m still prettier than her), it was because she was a princess that I wanted her by my side with such a determined yearning. Oh, to think of what we could have accomplished together if she had only renounced her feeble-minded ways, and then accepted my able-minded ways to be groomed for a future where I rule over everything!
Starlight stared at the rock that resembled a manatee eating a tuna fish sandwich. She had passed that rock hours ago. She remembered it fondly, for she had ran out of beans only the other day and could feel a painful urge in her stomach for a substance that wasn’t high in fiber.
“I’m lost,” she said for the fifth time that minute. “I’m lost and I’m going to die here. Alone. No one around me. Only beans. Only beans. Only beeeeeeeeeee—”
She slapped herself and shook her head. “No! Come on, Starlight, keep it together. You will find a way out of these caves! And then all the beans shall be yours! All yours! The beans… yes, the beeeeeans!”
She departed the tuna fish munching manatee rock, only to return to it around half an hour later.
“I’m lost.”
It’s always the same with the herd. The shortsighted notion that a cutie mark meant that you were favorable at something. That it was your special talent. The very word makes me gag.
Wait, no, that was the eyeball I found in my beans. At least I think it’s an eyeball. It could be a black-eye pea… hopefully. I’m running low, but eh, I should be fine. I just passed by some weird looking rock that looked like a manatee eating a tuna fish sandwich, so at least I have that to make sure I don’t get lost.
Anyway, there was nothing special about one’s talent. Hundreds, possibly even thousands among the masses had the same talent likewise amongst themselves. One would commonly see similar or even indistinguishable marks, yet they never batted an eye at the frightening thought that maybe they weren’t special. That perhaps their special talent was as unmemorable as the incalculable many.
They were just another raindrop in the ocean, so to speak.
Time Turner was in a hurry, late once again for an appointment. The irony in a clockmaker constantly being late never seemed to pop up in his mind, so he remained as unpunctual as always.
He sighed in relief at the sight of the train still docked and not even burning coal at its station in the distance. Unbeknownst to him, the train had been delayed half an hour, so for once he was early.
With a swagger in his step he arrived at the station and took his time trotting to the ticket booth. There was a small line before him, but for the time being he was not bothered by its presence since he was in no great hurry.
Just as he got to his spot, he recognized the pony directly in front of him. “Hey, Colgate,” he greeted her, the town’s cheerful dentist, “you’re taking the train too?”
Colgate turned around and grinned her trademark beaming smile. “To visit some relatives in Vanhoover. And what about you?”
“I have an appointment to meet with some antique connoisseur in Canterlot to repair his recently discovered grandfather clock.” He chuckled and stared up at the clock face above him. “Can’t believe I made it on time, even if it’s cheating.”
“You really should consider keeping a watch on you so you don’t run late all the time,” Colgate said, her smile now playful with a side of charming.
“Or perhaps an hourglass?” Time Turner said after pointing to his cutie mark.
The two of them shared a laugh, and went back to waiting in line.
Time Turner scanned the platform, found nothing of interest, looked to the train times sign overhead, found it to be drab as well, and then finally focused his eyes on Colgate. Actually, now that he thought about it, her mane actually did look like a popular brand of toothpaste, right down to the colors and swirl. Weird…
Oh, also, her cutie mark was exactly like his, right down to the color and shape.
“Uh… um…” Time Turner shook his head and settled his eyes on her flank once again. But it was still there. The cutie mark exactly like his. “C-Colgate, why is your, erm, cutie mark an hourglass?”
Colgate glanced over her shoulder, paused, then shrugged. “I guess it’s because I’m always good at keeping time. I’ve never been late to anything in my life.”
“Yes, but still… wouldn’t a toothbrush or, like, a shiny tooth make more sense?”
Colgate arched a brow and snorted. “What, and then my special talent would be brushing my teeth. What could be more pathetic than that? It’s like having a special talent at kicking rocks or even trees.”
“I… suppose so.”
Time Turner wanted to press further, but then the train’s whistle and the line moving forward reminded him to pay for his ticket and board as soon as he could. It was only when he sat down in his seat and stared at Ponyville passing away chug by chug did his mind return on the conversation he had before.
“Heh, kicking trees. That would be a pretty pathetic special talent.”
I was wise in this awareness from a very young age about truth of the matter. When I had just acquired my mark I was overjoyed and giddy at my own untapped potential. My parents had explained that my cutie mark meant I was gifted in magical use. I had performed a minor spell and the mark appeared on my flank seconds later, so my parents drew up their conclusion right on the spot. The only thing I could recall about the spell was that it allowed me to conjure up a magical stick of sorts, which I could use to poke stuff… and prod things… to be perfectly honest, I mostly used it to pick my nose.
Anyway, I was content regardless since I had finally received my very own mark that was a true testament of my notability. Also, the stick could be used for a backscratcher, which proved useful time and time again.
I still shudder at the thoughts that ran through my head when I was a filly.
Starlight Glimmer trotted down the street in Canterlot with a cheery skip and hop, as chipper as any filly could be on such a bright, sunshine-filled day. And what a day it was, for it was the very day a certain young filly had just received her cutie mark, in case her chanting in a sing-songy voice at the top of her tiny lungs, “I finally got my cutie mark, my cutie mark, my cutie mark. I finally got my cutie mark, hip-hip-hoooooooray!” didn’t clue you in.
However, her fun was dashed to ruins when she ended up walking right into a magical force-field erected by another filly around her age, although she was more inclined to grinning at Starlight’s painful.
“Blughfug triddin letup,” Starlight said against the glass-like surface of the shimmering force-field.
The other filly’s horn ceased glowing, and immediately afterwards the force-field dissipated. This in turn led to Starlight collapsing to the ground, which in turn caused the other filly to giggle deviously beside her.
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you run into that?” the other filly asked without a trace of sincerity or any actual guilt in her voice.
“Uh… yeah, I did,” Starlight said. Her face was still stuck in the ground while she remained sprawled on the streets, a fair shift of change from her frolicsome behavior shortly before. “It just appeared out of nowhere.”
“Well, you’ll have to pardon me. Sometimes when you’re so gifted at magic you can hardly control yourself.” The other filly sighed, a hoof dramatically raised to her forehead. “When one’s special talent is as amazing as mine, it’s any wonder the worst to have befallen you was such a trivial spell as that.”
Starlight immediately shot up. “Special talent?” Her eyes homed in on the other filly’s cutie mark: a sun symbol set ablaze, which fit the rest of her appearance nicely. “Oooooh, you have a special talent for magic too, just like me! That’s so amazing!”
“No it isn’t,” the other filly flatly said, taking a step back from Starlight’s giddiness.
“My name’s Starlight Glimmer and I just got my cutie mark today! Isn’t that amazing?”
“Yet again, no, it isn’t.”
Starlight kept fidgeting in front of the other filly until she finally took a hint, rolled her eyes and said, “My name’s Sunset Shimmer.”
“Whoa! Starlight Glimmer and Sunset Shimmer! Now you have to admit, that’s totally amazing!”
Starlight’s excitement was thoroughly throttled when Sunset glared at her and turned up her nose. Starlight just thought she herself smelled weird, and sniffed under her armpit a few times just to be sure.
“Why are you still even here?” Sunset asked.
Starlight quit her sniffing long enough to flash a smile at the irritated Sunset. “Oh, I was just wondering if we could be friends. The best of friends in fact! That’s like being regular friends but with the ‘best’ title put it front, making it much cooler, don’tcha think?”
“I think that sounds like a horrible idea.”
“But why?” Starlight asked, her ears drooping down on either side of her head like a dog caught in a guilty act. “We both have cutie marks about being good at magic. Our names rhyme. Pluuuuuuuus, we both have super fabulous manes!”
“Oh, please, don’t try to kid yourself.” Sunset brushed her exceptionally bouncy mane. “My magic surpasses you by miles, my name is much better and even fits to the theme of my coat, plus, your mane doesn’t even come close to my own.” She shoved Starlight out of the way and swaggered off down the street. “Enjoy your lame-o mane, loser!”
Starlight’s head slumped and her spirits sagged even more so. Touching her mane, she sniffled, quick to wipe her nose.
“My mane isn’t lame-o… is it?”
No one was around to answer her.
Needless to say, the excitement wore off once I had learned of others more special at their talents than I was with mine. Also, they were complete jerks about it with stupid manes and stupid faces and stupid cutie marks and stupidheads!
The events afterward further convinced me of this fact about stupidheads. Sure, everyone had special talents, but some ponies were more special than others, and they always knew how to rub it in the faces of everypony else. Because, like I pointed out before, they were stupidheads with stupid faces.
It was I in my all venerable wisdom that exposed the truth about these marks. It only took my first revelation with my own for my mind to become enlightened. And from that day forward I set out to spread this truth to everypony I could find so that they may become enlightened as well, and be awakened to the true path of friendship!
Also, for some odd reason all these italics are using up a lot of ink.
“Whoa, dude, check it out,” Double Diamond said to his friend, Party Favor.
Party Favor stared at the billboard on the side of the path towards town.
“Equality For All?” he repeated from the sign. “What the… Come join our bustling community and be involved in a new utopian society where none are judged and all can live in true harmony and friendship.”
“Duuuuuuude, this could be it,” Double Diamond said. “Our big break, finally!”
“I’dunno, man, it looks a bit odd.” Party Favor frowned and peered closer at the sign. “It says that you have to sign a waiver before joining. That could never be a good thing.”
Double Diamond rolled his eyes and nudged Party Favor. “Aw, c’mon, dude, what could go wrong? Plus, it says everypony is equal, right? I won’t get ripped on for being a high school dropout and you won’t get ripped on for that thing.”
“What thing?”
“Y’know… the thing.”
“...Okay, seriously, what?”
“Oh, man, dude, you don’t even know?”
“Know what?!” Party Favor screamed.
Double Diamond patted his head and gently shook his head. “Shhh, shhh, it’s okay. I don’t judge, ya got me? I mean, it can’t be easy with your condition and all.”
Party Favor opened his mouth, thought better of it, and said, “Let’s just check this town out, okay?”
“Suuuuuure, whatever you want, dude.” Double Diamond ruffled his mane. “Just keep on keeping on. Your bravery inspires me every day, y’know that?”
“I hate you so much.”
Cutie marks created envy, since ponies are naturally inclined to compete against one another. Somepony had to be top dog, and they’d do whatever it takes to climb ranks. Case in point, me, perhaps the most beautiful and becoming example out there.
However, ponies taught they were special believed their own abilities would give them an edge against their betters. This only led to ruin once the truth set in. Also, swirlies, noogies, wet-willies, and numerous other childish tortures in magic kindergarten.
“It’s wedgie time!”
“No, Sunset, please, not again!”
I still have nightmares to this day…
Oh, uh, right, back to the manifesto. Only a select few amongst the thousands were truly inclined to greatness, while the rest of us were left to shuffle about in their wake.
Well, I can tell you one thing. I was not satisfied to be just another shuffler. No, for I had greater ambitions for an Equestria! An Equestria that shall expel these injustices from society and cure this blight dragging us down! My ambitions were preeminent from the very start and I knew for sure that the future I fancied would be utopia!
I mean, it was going to be, until everything fell apart and my followers ousted me so now I’m reduced to scraping beans out of the bottom of a can while wandering a bunch of tunnels while utterly hopeless and lost.
But still, the utopia was nice while it lasted, and I’m pretty sure everypony could agree to that.
“Uh… Starlight?” Double Diamond said to his supreme and almighty leader, “could we stop smiling for, like, a few minutes?”
Starlight turned towards him and the entire town populace gathered around him. All of them were still smiling, of course—even Double Diamond himself—although a pained expression could be noticed on each of their faces.
“And why would you ever even consider such a notion? Are you not happy?” Her smile widened while everypony elses’ shrunk in size, but remained fixated on their faces nonetheless. “You know what happens to those who aren’t happy in this town, don’t you?”
“But… but bugs keep on flying into our teeth! Some of our faces are permanently stuck like it! And, well, there’s also…” Double Diamond gulped and scanned the crowd. There was Party Favor, mumbling and laughing to himself, pupils askew. “Frankly, Party Favor is starting to freak us all out.”
Starlight hummed under her breath and observed the crowd. After a few tense seconds, she nodded to herself. “Okay, I think I’ve come to a solution.”
Everypony in town smiled genuinely for the first in weeks at what they anticipated to be good news.
“Party Favor becomes the new town greeter, and now everypony has to smile every single second, even while they sleep. Sound fair? I thought so.”
As Starlight departed, Party Favor started cackling madly to himself, everypony else giving him a wide berth. No one else was laughing. Not even a chuckle.
Which suited Starlight just fine.
Everypony does their task no better and no worse than everypony else.
Nopony is special, so that they shall not be envious of others for being more special.
All conflicts shall become meaningless for none shall compete or aspire for something more than what they already are.
Everypony is equal.
With these tenets set forth nothing, and I mean nothing, shall stop me in my second great awakening of Equestria. To those reading this testament of the truth, keep strong in the knowledge that I have not let up, and that I shall indeed abolish the chains of cutie marks forever!
For it is written, and for it shall be!
Also, that’s about it, since I used up the last of my ink, and also my beans. I swear if I survive this I’m never touching beans again, no matter how good for your heart they’re said to be.
“Huh, wouldja look at that,” a townspony said, pointing to a lump in the darkness.
Several weeks after the tyrant known as Starlight Glimmer had been overthrown and cutie marks returned to her town’s populace, some of the townsponies were selecting teams to travel into the tunnels of the mountains in pursuit of her. It was considered by many a vain attempt, but they did it anyway in the event she ever tried to return or was waiting in the caves right outside town.
Approaching it, the townspony probed at the lump with his hoof. Noticing nothing strange, the stallion nodded to his unicorn mare companion.
“What is it?” the mare asked.
Sniffing, the stallion shuddered. “It smells like old baked beans.” Peering closer, he said, “Also, it might be a dead body.”
“What?!” the mare screeched.
“Oh, wait, never mind. Just a discarded bedroll filled with empty cans of beans. Which would certainly explain the smell.”
“Wait, what about this?” the mare asked. She picked up with her magic a castaway book from the ground, covered in grime and dirt and—
“Ewwww, it’s covered in baked beans!” the mare said, gagging.
“You’re picking it up with your magic, so what?” the stallion asked.
The mare shrugged. “It’s still disgusting.”
“Well, give it here then. It’s probably Starlight’s, along with the bedroll and bean cans. It might give us a clue as to where she’s gone.”
Opening the book, the two gathered around and read it in the brim illumination from the mare’s horn.
“Dear Celestia…” the stallion whispered.
“I can’t believe it,” the mare said soon after.
“It’s… it’s… just a bunch of scribbling. And the word ‘stupidhead’ repeated over and over again,” the stallion said. He arched a brow and scrunched his eyes as he peered closer at the disheveled pages. “Did she actually write some of this with the baked beans she was eating?”
“Not only that, but there are some doodles in there too,’” the mare said, squinting through a few pages. “ Is that... ‘Sunset Shimmer... is a stupidhead with a... lame-o mane?’” The same doodle was repeated over and over again, with the mare drawn even cruder and uglier than the last. “It just… it just goes on for fifty more pages like this.”
After reading the bewildering contents of the book for a few more minutes, the stallion tossed the book on top of the abandoned bedroll.
“Well, I think it can be collectively agreed that Starlight lost her mind in the tunnels,” the stallion said.
“Oh, no doubt.”
“Why she didn’t bring a map with her, I’ll never know.”
“She always was kind of shortsighted.”
“Really pretentious too.”
“Agreed.”
“Once we get back we’ll probably have to explain our former leader has been reduced to a madmare destined to forever wander the caves of the mountain.”
“Should we also mention the beans?”
“Eh… nah. She could at least have a little bit of dignity left.”
They never noticed the shadowy figure following close behind, smelling profusely of beans and bad breath.
Not that there was much to distinguish the two.
The manifesto… yes! Nearly… nearly complete... it is!
So much time away. I grew a beard. I think. Rocks taste delicious with salt it seems. Too bad I ran out of salt. Was so long since I’ve eaten salt…
What was I writing again?
Oh, right, the pivotal writing material of the new great age of Equestria! And write I must, for I have amazing news to tell! The last revelation of the revolution to come!
Sunset Shimmer.
Is.
A.
Stuuuuuuuuuupidheeeeeeeead!
Also her mane is lame-o.
Super duper lame-o!
Author's Note
Adding this since many laughs were had.
