Chapters A Busman's Holiday In which Deft Hoof is accused of being a foalnapper twice in one night.
I'll be honest with you here -- ha! Imagine that! -- Princess Cadance could be the nicest, bestest pony in all of Equestria, and I would never know. I spent the entire meal trying to puzzle out what it was Shining Armor knew that I didn't. She probably got a lousy impression of her husband's weird friend, but it's too late to change that first impression now.
What broke me out of my funk was the sight of a familiar face in this part of town. A little sneak known as Short Shanks was making off with a sandwich from the display case atop the counter. Apart from two things, his performance was impeccable. Unfortunately, he'd picked a time of day when the only possible suspects were him, the Captain of the Guard, his Princess wife, and their guest. (Of course, I'd be a great suspect if it weren't for the company I was keeping at the time.) The other problem was that he'd picked an item on prominent display.
He ducked out before the waitress turned back around. I got up to follow him, maybe give him a few pointers or at least a piece of my mind, until I saw what she did. She smiled slyly, picked up the tray the sandwich had been on, and trotted back to the kitchen as though nothing had happened. He wasn't robbing her. She was feeding him on the sly.
I grinned.
Shining Armor saw the look on my face. "What's up, buddy?"
I nodded at the waitress. "I got me a new contact," I said. "And she's legit , too! You know how few of those I have?"
"Um, three," he said. "Unless you got one while I was gone. Anyway, you're not supposed to be making more work for yourself, you're supposed to be finding someone to fill in while you're gone!"
My grin widened. "I got an idea about that, too," I said. "First thing's first, though. I gotta go network."
He followed my gaze to the waitress. "What, with Salad? You don't want her as a contact, Defty. She's totally on the up-and-up."
I nodded. "She's honest, all right," I admitted. "But she's sneaky! I like her! Introduce us! Introduce us nooooow!" I got behind the Captain of the Guard and started shoving him with my head. Finally, he relented and led me over to where the unicorn mare was busing a table.
"Excuse me," he said, "Miss Sandwich?"
She smiled. "Yes, Shining Armor, is everything to your liking?"
"Oh, no, the food is excellent! This is about something else. My friend here," he said with a nod to me, "wants to talk to you about an opportunity to help the Royal Guard keep the city of Canterlot safe."
She shrugged. "I'm not sure I can help - unless it's with keeping their bellies full!" Then she broke into a good-natured laugh, and I decided I really liked her.
I grinned. "Oh," I said, "it's no sandwich shortage, but you're in a perfect position to help."
"Oh?" Her curiosity was piqued, I could see, but she was no mark. "How so?"
"Easy!" I said. "Let's start by talking about that colt who left just now."
She narrowed her eyes at me. "What about him? The poor foal's just some hungry kid with too much pride to take a bit of charity."
I laughed. "Not too much pride," I said. "Do you think he doesn't know you're leaving those sandwiches out on purpose?"
She smirked at me knowingly. "Of course he knows I'm doing it on purpose," she said. "That or he's got a terrible memory for prices; every so often when he comes in and actually orders like a normal customer, for some reason he always ends up paying me too much."
"Oh, excellent," I said. I'd figured Shorty for the sort of pony who didn't like stealing despite being good at it. "Miss Sandwich, have you ever heard of a pony called Deft Hoof?"
"Isn't he supposed to be some kind of thief?"
I nodded. "The best thief in Equestria," I said with pride.
"Toot toot," Shiny said under his breath. Okay, so maybe I was tooting my own horn a bit. But I never get to make this pitch, and I always wanted to.
She laughed. "Are you saying that little foal is the infamous Deft Hoof?"
"What?" I shook my head. "Wait, I lost hold of the conversation there. No, I'm Deft Hoof."
She laughed even louder. Behind me, however, Princess Cadance gasped. Oops. I'd assumed Shiny had told his wife who their dinner guest was. My bad.
"Wait, wait, wait," she said. "You want me to believe that Deft Hoof, the infamous burglar, is friends with Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Canterlot Guard? And you're him." She laughed again. "Sure, and I'm the Great and Powerful Trixie."
"This is not going the way I expected it to," I confessed. "Shiny, help me out here."
He grinned. "Hay, you're the one who wanted to take her into the fold, here."
"Please?"
His grin turned into a laugh. "All right! All right! Enough with the puppy-dog eyes already!" Sobering his expression, he turned to her. "This is, indeed, Deft Hoof the thief. This is all really very classified, and I don't know why he decided to include you in it..."
"I told you," I said. "She's sneaky ."
"...but he's an agent of the Crowns. The thief stuff is just a cover."
Now it was my turn to get indignant. "I beg your pardon," I said. "I am too a great thief. I just happen to be a great thief in the employ of the Princess."
"That would be Princess Luna," he explained. "Deft, this is a really bad idea. Miss, nevermind. This was a badly thought out joke, and my friend has had entirely too much sugar today. Forget you ever saw him. He's not Deft Hoof. His name is--"
"Don't you dare! " I rounded on him. "I swear, if your mouth so much as forms an 'O' I am going Trottingham Rules on you in a heartbeat." I turned back to the unicorn. "Don't listen to Shiny. He's a worry-wart. Look, I'm going out of town, and I need a reliable pony to help keep an eye on the Canterlot underworld."
She looked nonplussed. "Me?"
I shook my head. "No. Short Shanks. But I need a way to get him into the castle on a moment's notice."
She frowned. "Me?"
"Yes."
"Mister," she said. "I make sandwiches. I mean, they're good sandwiches..."
"No no no," I said. "You misunderstand. I need you to do something you probably won't like, but trust me. Has Shorty ever messed up grabbing those sandwiches?"
She shook her head. "Messed up?"
"Made any noise, done it when he knew you were looking, that sort of thing."
"No," she said. "I'm sure he knows I know it's him doing it, though."
"Beside the point," I said. "What I need is, if he ever comes in and just completely blows it like that, you raise a fuss and call the guards."
Shining Armor nodded. "Normally, we leave it up to Deft here to get himself caught, but I see what he's going at here. It's better if the colt has a place he knows he can safely make contact. You call us, we'll make a big show of hauling him off, and then he can report in to the Princess."
"Exactly," I said. I looked at Miss Sandwich. "What do you say? Are you in?"
She started thinking it over, and I started getting itchy. "Shiny, do me a favor. Talk to her, please . I've got to go catch Short Shanks."
He rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll talk to her. But it's still her decision."
I grinned. "Great!" I said, before reaching back with my teeth and peeling off my fake cutie marks - which I never bothered to look at, sadly. Somepony had worked really hard on them, too, I could tell. "Mm gunn go cash Shor'ee!" I dropped the stickers and headed for the door, so I only heard a snippet of the conversation that followed.
"Was that colt flirting with me?" Miss Sandwich asked. I was half tempted to turn back and answer, but, frankly, I wasn't sure myself.
"What a horrible thought," Shining Armor said, and I could hear the frown in his voice. The door closed behind me before I could voice an objection.
"Oi!" I shouted. "Shorty!" I'd caught up to him in a derelict textile mill... one of the Crowns' hidden charities, actually, a tradition Princess Celestia started and Princess Luna continued. It was well-hidden that it was a Crown property, and as such would never be purchased by a developer. It would not reopen, and it wouldn't be torn down untless it became unsafe for the street foals who sheltered in it.
"Choo want, eh, Big Shot?" He was gruff, as a lot of street foals are, and he spoke with a Trottingham accent. Both of these things could be liabilities, making him stick out on the streets of Canterlot.
"Big Shot?" I frowned. I have enough names, thankyouverymuch, I thought.
"Yeh. All the ponies say yer the bes' dip in Canterlot."
I grinned. "I'll pull a duster's pinfeathers while kissing the dog," I bragged. I spend as much time around thieves as around "normal" ponies, so it's easy for me to slip into and out of street lingo. For the uninitiated, which I assume you are if you're reading this, a "duster" is a "featherduster": a pegasus guard (so called because they have feathers and they clean up the streets). A "dip" is a pickpack. It can also mean the act of pickpacking, as in "nice dip, mate!" A "pull" is the same thing as a "dip" except it only refers to the action, not the pony. "Kissing the dog" means face-to-face. And a pinfeather is one of those big fea-- oh, Tartarus, if you don't know what a pinfeather is, ask a pegasus. They'll laugh at you and then use theirs to make an obscene gesture, but you get the point.
See? Hanging with the wrong crowd can be educational!
"And them never the wiser, eh?" He returned my grin. "Wot brings yer ta Lost Town anyway?"
Lost Town? When I lived there, we called it Pirates' Cove. "Looking for you, kiddo," I said. "Anywhere we can talk?"
He narrowed his eyes at me. Street ponies are suspicious, even of each other. Especially foals. "We c'n talk here," he said. "T'ain't anypony listenin'."
"Oi," I said sharply. "Don't you try that with me, mate. There's three ponies hangin' on our every word right now."
He got in my face about it, which, frankly, is just good survival skills. On his turf, with his Family there, he had to let me know where the line was drawn. "Anything yer wanna say ta me, y'kin say in fronta the Colts."
I blinked. That his little Family had a name wasn't surprising, but it had to be more than just that. "The 'Colts'?"
"Aye," he said. "Me an' me chums, we're the Lost Colts. Yanno, like in that book with the pirates an' all."
"Oh, so you can read? A lot of streeties your age can't. That's great!" Even some of the older ponies were illiterate, especially if they'd been on the streets from when they were blank-flanks like Shorty.
"'Course I can read, I'm a pony, aren't I?"
I chuckled. "Right," I said. "Seriously, though. I want to talk, just you and me. It's Business."
He perked up. "Big Business?"
I grinned. "The biggest." And how! "But it's a delicate job. I need a good dip who can keep his head down and blend in. And keep a button on his muzzle ."
His eyes narrowed speculatively. He was going to try to play it cool, but I knew I had him hooked. Frankly, he was a lot like me as a foal, though I hadn't hit the streets until I was a bit older. "All right," he said. "We'll go down the Sleeping Filly. Nice and quiet behind there, this time o' night. Fillyfoolers won't be back 'ome fer hours."
I choked. There was a gang called the Fillyfoolers? I wondered if they knew what that meant. Probably. Street foals grow up quick. Whereas I never did. Still, the Sleeping Filly was a good spot for me: it was more than halfway to Canterlot castle, which was where I wanted to go. He'd probably picked it because, as a foal, if something happened, he could count on the Guard coming to his defense. Wily little colt.
I agreed, and we set off. I was trying to figure out a way to contact Shiny without spooking the kid when a bit of fortuitous timing solved the problem for me.
"Feather up," Shorty muttered. I hardly needed the warning. I'd seen the pegasus guard a couple of seconds earlier. Shorty tensed up, preparing to gallop if need be. It was a reaction he'd have to learn to school better if he was going to succeed.
"Yeah, I see her," I said. "Ease up, lad. We're just a couple of ponies out for an after-dinner stroll."
He almost gaped, but got control of himself quickly. "That's a mare ?" he whispered. "Bloody Tartarus, she's bigger'n most blokes I know!"
Indeed she was. I knew her - or at least recognized her - even if I didn't know her name. As a member of the Night Guard, she knew me as well. The way she was scanning the streets, and moving around on hoof, I realized she was looking for somepony. At first I hoped it was me. Then her eyes found mine, and she smiled, and I had to resist the urge to grin back at her. I twitched my eyes towards Shorty, and she followed my lead, the smile turning into a condescending smirk as she trotted over to intercept us.
"Evening, Ma'am," I drawled.
"Well, well," she said. "Dabbling in foalnapping now, too?"
I laughed off the comment. "What, him? He's Family. Isn't that right, Shorty?"
Shorty nodded, but didn't dare say anything in front of a guard. Street ponies tend to get that way. Another habit I'd have to break.
"Word is," she said, "you've got a little job planned." Shining Armor said you were recruiting a foal. She was doing beautifully. She was trusting the keywords to do their job without overemphasizing them. A lot of ponies passing code tend to lean on it a bit hard. They may as well tack "nudge nudge, wink wink" on the end of every sentence. This guard was just talking. And here I'd had her pegged as yet another overeager musclehead. Trust Shiny to find a reliable guard on short notice.
"No jobs, Ma'am," I said. "I'm a changed stallion, trotting the straight and narrow." Not yet. This is the kid, but he's not an insider.
She laughed, getting into the part of the big guardpony bullying a known scumbag. "Well, I've got a message from Shining Armor himself. He says if you set one hoof out of line, you'll be locked up by dawn." Verbatim message from Shining Armor, the first part meant, as opposed to a strictly coded one. Those are trickier - they don't use specific keywords, just prior knowledge of the situation. Shiny didn't need to remind me I had a deadline, but thanks anyway.
I smirked. "Well, you tell him from me I'll be seeing him around." If she got the message to him fast enough, he'd probably beat me to the castle's scrying chamber.
She snorted angrily, then brushed past me, shouldering me aside roughly. Gold star material, definitely.
Shorty whistled as soon as she was around the corner. "Wow," he said. "When she came up, I was ready to scarper." I'd noticed. "But you just... and she... and then you..." He laughed nervously. "And she was bloody huge ! Bigger than you, even!"
I didn't want to shatter the larger-than-life image he'd built up of me by pointing out that, in fact, most mares top me by an inch. Instead, grinning, I lifted up the prize I'd gotten from that encounter apart from the messages sent and received: a single, snowy-white feather. He let out a startled half-laugh, half-gasp. If he hadn't noticed she was just about to start molting, I certainly wasn't going to tell him. Tucking the feather behind his ear, I led the way towards the palace, confident he'd follow me without needing to talk behind the Sleeping Filly Inn.
"Okay," Shining Armor said as I slipped into the scrying chamber. "I got the message, and I'm here. Now what are we doing?"
I grinned at him. "It's an ancient and sacred tradition called Stealing the Moon," I said. "And this will be the first time it's been done properly since the revolt of Nightmare Moon a thousand years ago."
"Go on," he said.
"Right, well, how it works is that when the Eye of the Moon wants to take an apprentice, he sets them a task: steal something from the throne room while the Princess is there. Traditionally, the item stolen is Princess Luna's crown, but while she was... um... unavailable... substitutions were made."
He laughed. "You expect that little foal to steal Princess Luna's crown and get away with it? While Night Court is in session?"
"It's traditon," I said. "Anyway, no. Only one pony ever succeeded and got back out again. It's more a way of demonstrating his skills to the Princess, and giving her a chance to introduce herself."
"This is the part where you tell me you're the only one ever to pull it off," he said. "What did you steal? I mean, since you were already Eye by the time I made Captain, you must have done this before the Princess returned." While he spoke, Shiny set the largest crystal ball to monitor the throne room, so we could watch the trial. I briefly wondered if my mentor had been watching my own attempt. I assume he was, which, frankly, is a bit embarrassing.
"I only made it as far as the door before the alarm" -- a little filly's wailing -- "was raised. No, the pony who pulled it off did it with the real thing. Actually, he was the first Eye. When he stole her crown, it was just to prove it was possible, and that she needed a thief in the Court to protect it against that sort of thing."
"So what did you steal?"
"Oh, look! Shorty made it into the throne room. The clever little fellow's put on a page's uniform. Great way for a colt to go unnoticed around the castle."
"Defty," Shiny said, "why aren't you answering me?"
"What?" I said. "I told you, I barely made it to the door. You're missing the show, Shiny! You should watch, he's making a joke out of your guardponies. Clearly, he's been in the palace before."
"Deft Hoof, what did you steal?"
"Wow, he's quick. Look at that, he's right up by the throne already and nopony's seen him yet!"
"Orange Meringue, what did you steal from the throne room?"
"Oh come on, there's no need to go around calling me names, Shiny."
"It's your name . Besides, you only dodge questions when you think I'm going to get mad. Why would I be mad at something that happened way back then? What did you steal?"
I groaned. "Okay, if you just have to know, it was a doll. A little filly's doll that she was playing with in the throne room. Now be quiet, I'm trying to watch." I kept my attention focused on the crystal. I really did not want to see the look in his eyes when he worked it out. "Wa-hey! He got the crown and Princess Luna didn't bat an eye! He might actually pull it OOF!"
I found myself pinned up against a bank of crystal balls, with Shining Armor's legs pressed against my collarbone. "You stole Twiley's Miss Smarty Pants doll?! You were the foalnapper?! She cried for days because of you! "
"I wasn't going to keep it," I choked out. "It was just a test. Please... can't... breathe..."
"STOP THAT COLT!" the Royal Canterlot Voice boomed out of the crystal ball. Startled, Shiny turned to face the source of the sound, dropping me to my hooves.
"That's our cue," I muttered.
"No rush," Shining Armor said. "He's tagged already, he'll be caught by the time we get there." He looked over at me. "Look, I'm sorry, man. But Twiley's..."
"I know," I said. "She's your L.S.B.F.F. and you would do anything to protect her." I waved off the apology. "You've got nothing to apologize for, so just forget it." I trotted to the door, my giddy mood returning. "C'mon, let's go scare the cutie mark onto my new apprentice."
Author's Note: Your enjoyment of this chapter does not hinge upon watching the following video, but if you're going to watch it, please do so before reading the chapter. There will be a quiz. (The quiz is in the video itself.) If you're familiar with the video, then feel free to skip it. If you're not familiar with the video, feel free to skip it, but know that once you've read the chapter, your answers to the quiz are likely to change.
[youtube=vJG698U2Mvo]A Busman's Holiday In which everypony's shipping charts get all wonky...
Canterlot (Lost Town)Lost Town is a hub of activity most days, as Lost Colts filter in and out, dropping off the coin purses, handkerchiefs, and such that they pick up in the course of their daily activities. But today, in addition to all of that normal activity, the Colts stop to chatter away at each other. There is an air of excitement about the dilapidated textile-mill-turned-hideout, of the new and interesting.
By the end of the day, Shanks realizes, he could have his hoof on the pulse of Canterlot in exactly the way that Deft Hoof always strove for. And all it took was a little trust. He grins, knowing that even if Deft Hoof is upset, the results will speak for themselves.
Memories, unbidden but not unprompted, took the place of dreams. A big family reunion - right here in Ponyville, as I recalled, at Sweet Apple Acres - where a frightened young colt met and befriended a distant cousin, and started to get the ideas that would later form the foundation for his core philosophy.
And then, just two weeks later, another family reunion, for another family, and the rest of his philosophy would take form.
"That's a silly name," the colt said, giggling. "You have a silly name!"
"I know I do!" said the filly. "I love love love silly things, don't you?"
"I'm not gonna call you by that silly name," the colt said. "I'm gonna call you 'Meanie', 'cause you're not!"
The filly giggled. "Well, then, I'm gonna call you 'Merry' 'cause you're so silly!"
I didn't want to wake up. If I woke up, I would have to rejoin the world where that pounding, throbbing pain in my head would be a real, immediate concern. If I woke up, I would have to feel it. If I woke up, I would have to acknowledge that I had been knocked out.
Tentatively, I cracked open an eye. I was in a bedroom, alone. Night hadn't yet fallen, but the angle of the sunlight filtering through the curtains indicated it was at most a couple of hours away. I sighed. If the whole trip was like this room, I would return to Canterlot fully relaxed. Unfortunately, I knew better.
I had recognized the voice calling out from behind me. I knew that nickname. Only one pony ever called me Merry. Only Meanie. But what was Meanie doing here? Could the Princesses have missed that, or was this one of their little gags? Dear Luna, if Meanie was in Ponyville I would never get a moment's peace.
But boy would I have fun!
I pondered getting up, but I was so comfortable. I had been sent here to relax, after all, I rationalized. While I debated this with myself, I heard talking coming from the hall.
"Oh my gosh," said the cheerful voice I was sure was Meanie's, "I am soooooo sorry! I should go in and tell him I'm sorry!"
"Come on now, Sugarcube, Ah think he needs ta rest a bit afore y'all go in thar."
"Awww," said Meanie, and I could easily picture her expressive little face (she'd been just a little filly the last time I'd seen her, just weeks after I'd last seen A.J., in fact) drooping. I couldn't bear to think of little Meanie all sad like that, so I crawled out of bed.
Okay, I catapulted out of bed, quivering with excitement. Where I'd been convinced a trip to Ponyville would be dull, dull, dull, it was turning into just one unexpected treat after another. I burst through the bedroom door just as she had perked up, too, which was great. A happy Meanie is the bestest Meanie ever. "Oooh!" she was saying. "I should totally make him a big welcome cake!"
"MEANIE!" I shouted cheerfully, and A.J. started and whinnied.
"MERRY!" she shouted back, bouncing happily in front of me. Ah, little Meanie, my favoritest cou--
I stopped short. It just wasn't fair. Tiny little Meanie had grown up, fine, I get that. It had been years after all. But must everypony be taller than me?
"Whoa up, thar, Sugarcubes," said Applejack. "Are you sayin' y'all two know each other?"
Meanie nodded, grinning maniacally. "Yupper-duppers!" she chirped. "But I haven't seen him in years and years and years and years!"
I laughed. "This is the greatest vacation ever !" I said. "Wow! I didn't know you were in Ponyville! I mean, yeah, I knew there was a Pie in Ponyville, but I didn't know you were here, too!"
Meanie giggled. "Whaddaya mean 'too', silly billy? I'm the only Pie in Ponyville!"
I blinked. "Wait, you didn't know?"
"Know what?"
I laughed. "Only the bestest news ever !" I crowed. "Only the most famousest Pie ever, and you didn't know she lives in Ponyville too?"
Applejack looked back and forth between us. "Whut in tarnation are yuh yammerin' on about, Orange Meringue?"
I stared at her. "Oh, come on ," I said. "I mean, I can kind of understand Meanie not knowing, but you have to know what I'm talking about, A.J.!"
Merry grinned. "Oooh! Is it Punkin? Punkin Pie's moving to Ponyville? Wait, no. Blueberry! Blueberry Pie is way more famous than Punkin Pie! No! Cherry Pie!" She started rattling off names... I had forgotten just how many Pies there are in Equestria. There are a lot. Like a lot a lot. And apparently, Meanie's standards for "famous" are... well... inscrutable.
"No, silly!" I said. "Pinkie Pie!"
"Well, who?" she said, tilting her head at me.
"I just said! Pinkie Pie!"
"What?"
"Pink. Eee. Piiiiieeeeee."
"Whaaaaaaaaaat?"
I blinked.
"Oh, you're kidding."
"I dunno," she said. "Am I? You're the one who keeps not telling me who else lives in Ponyville!"
I facehoofed. "Meanie, what does everypony here call you?"
"Pinkie Pie, duh !"
Of course she was. And I had just stood there yammering away at her without even thinking "could Pinkie Pie and Pinkamina Diane Pie possibly be the same pony?" and made a complete fool of myself. As usual.
"Nevermind," I said. "There's no other pies in Ponyville, I'm just a silly-billy."
"Pinkie, would you mind tellin' me how y'all know each other, and just why mah cousin's callin' one o' the nicest ponies in Equestria a meanie?"
Pinkie giggled. "Oh, Applejack," she said patronizingly, "I think you're confused. How are you confused? Merry and I are the ones who hit our heads! Your head shouldn't be all wobbly inside like ours are! This is my favoritest fifth cousin Merry! And he's not calling me mean, he's calling me Meanie! He says he calls me Meanie 'cause I'm not, which is just the silliest thing ever, and I love silly things because they're so much fun, and--"
"Whut? Naw, Pinkie Pie, this's mah fifth cousin Orange Meringue. Ah think y'all are the one's confused!"
I laughed. "This is the bestest vacation ever!" I said. "I get to spend it with my two favoritest fifth cousins!"
"Whut?" Applejack stared at me in confusion.
Meanie just got even more excited. "Oh? Who? Who who who tell me tell me! I need to know who else is coming so I can bake a really big cake! Oh! We should have a family reunion!"
I couldn't stop laughing. I needed to know whose idea this had been - Celestia's or Luna's - so that I could thank them properly. Preferably with a magic marker while they were sleeping, but it would be out of gratitude, not spite.
"You two, silly!" I said. "A.J. my favorite cousin on my mom's side, and Meanie, my favorite cousin on my dad's side! Wow!"
"Wait," said Applejack, putting it together. "Y'all two are related ?"
I grinned and nodded. "My full name, which nopony ever calls me by" -- true, that -- "is Orange Meringue Pie. Meanie here is my fifth cousin on my dad's side."
"Ooh! How is Uncle Key Lime?"
I grinned. "He's great! He's just loving the real estate business, since Mom's so good at it and all."
"And Ah'm yer cousin on yer maw's side," Applejack said. "Well don't that beat all! Ah never realized!"
"Realized what?" Meanie frowned, then pulled out a large piece of paper, on which was a simplified version of my family tree. "Waaaaaiiiit a minute," she said. "If you're my fifth cousin on your daddy's side..." She drew her hoof along the paper from a picture of her grinning face to mine. "And you're Applejack's fifth cousin on your mommy's side..." She continued the line past me to a grinning A.J. head. "...then that means Applejack is my fifth cousin on my your side!"
I facehoofed. "Close enough," I said. It made them ninth cousins, but I wasn't about to stop her when she was on a roll, even if I wanted to and put forth my best effort. After all these years, I remembered that much about her.
"Well shucks," said A.J. "Now y'all really are Apple family, Ah reckon!"
Meanie grinned. "I guess so, Applejack!" she said. "Oooh!"
"What?" I asked.
"Do you know what this calls for?" Before either of us could answer, the pink bundle of energy leapt into the air, explosions of confetti from... somewhere... flourishing behind her. "A PARTY! "
Meanie was gone in a blur of pink, leaving A.J. and me blinking in her wake.
"Well," the farmpony drawled, "y'all gone and done it now. We ain't gettin' outta this one without a party, an' given jest how excited Pinkie wuz, it's gonna be a doozy!"
I grinned. "Great!" I said. "I love a good party!"
"Well, that thar Pinkie Pie throws the best in Equestria," said A.J. "Shoot, Ah reckon yer plum tuckered out after alla that excitement, an' you jest now gettin' inta Ponyville an' all."
I laughed. "Who, me? Nah, I got plenty of sleep on the train. Not to mention however long I was out after Meanie clonked me. I'm good to go!"
A.J. grinned. "Well shucks," she said. "How's about Ah go ahead an' give y'all the five bit tour o' the farm afore supper?"
Sweet Apple Acres was (and still is) pretty darn appropriately named. The place was huge -- massive orchards of apple trees ranging from little tart apples to big juicy sweet ones. A field of barren trees caught my eye, and I remembered that same field from my foalhood visit.
A.J. noticed where I was looking and cracked a grin. "Yup!" she said. "Y'all done missed zap apple season agin."
"I swear," I said. "One of these days I have got to see that for myself. Magic rainbow apple trees... I'm still not sure I believe it."
"Shucks, Orange Meringue, if it wasn't fer that there field o' zap apples, there wouldn't even be a Ponyville," A.J. said. "Y'all tellin' me ya ain't never had none o' our Sweet Apple Acres Zap Apple Jam?"
"Well, back when we had that big double family reunion," I said, "but it sells out pretty quick up in Canterlot. Limited supply, high demand... Stuff ain't cheap up there, you know?"
A.J. snorted. "Well, that just ain't right," she said. "Grown stallion like yerself, and ya ain't had zap apple jam but the one time? T'ain't natural!"
"Well, hay," I said. "We can't have every little thing we want in life, now can we?"
"Shucks, naw," said A.J., "but this ain't no 'little thang', pardner, and y'all bein' family an' all. Why, Granny Smith'd buck me straight inta next week if'n Ah didn't do nothin' ta remedy that thar situation proper-like."
I grinned. "Well," I said, "we can't have that now, can we?"
"Shoot, naw," A.J. agreed. "Ah'll jest hafta make sure y'all git a couple jars next zap apple season." She nudged me in the ribs. "'Course Ah'll need yer address so's Ah kin ship 'em to ya."
Ooh. That wouldn't do. My home in Canterlot was kind of a dive, and under an assumed name to boot. And my quarters in the Palace, well... First, I hardly ever touched them - they were more of a courtesy, a privilege of office that almost never got used in the history of the post - and second, I couldn't exactly tell her about them without going into why I had them in the first place. "I dunno," I prevaricated, "I travel a lot. Out and about, you know" -- amongst the street ponies, beggars, and thieves of Canterlot, mostly -- "but I'll tell you what. Just let me know next time zap apple season rolls around and I'll come see it for myself, and get my jam then!"
"Even better!" A.J. said. I'd learned a long time ago that the best way to lie to an honest pony (like an Apple) is to tell them just a part of the truth and let them fill in the blanks with what makes sense to them. "Um... how?"
I laughed. "Well, I do a lot of work for Princess Luna," I admitted, not that she needed to know what sort of work. "So she always knows how to reach me."
"Ain't that a mite presumptuous? Ah mean, Ah cain't jest write ta the Princess an' say 'Howdy, Ah know y'all're busy runnin the country an' all, but kin ya take tahm outta yer busy day ta pass a message ta mah cousin?' now can Ah?"
I laughed. "No, of course not," I said. "Princess Luna is busy at night ."
She rolled her eyes. "Y'all know whut Ah mean," she said with a glare.
"Trust me," I said. "The Princess would love to hear from you. She loves hearing from all her little ponies. Especially Ponyville ponies. And most especially," I said, tapping her lightly on the nose with a hoof, "you and your friends."
A.J. looked unconvinced. "Ya sure?"
I grinned. "Sure as sunset," I said -- a bit of a mistake, that. It's a night pony expression; a thief's expression. I hoped she wouldn't catch it. "Heck, she told me herself!"
A.J. laughed. "Y'all're pullin' mah leg!" she protested.
"Come on, A.J.," I said. "Who do you think ordered me to take a vacation? Twilight Sparkle?"
"Dang it," A.J. swore -- or came as close as a pony like her does to swearing. "Now why didn't she tell me y'all was an important political-type pony? An' here Ah jest put y'all in the spare room!"
I grinned. "I am emphatically not a political pony," I said, "and that room is a darn sight better than--" I trailed off. Partly because I really didn't want her to know about the time spent living rough among the street ponies, but mostly because of what I saw. Our tour had just taken us around the southern end of the farm, which was... just devastated. "What in the name of Tartarus happened here? "
She grimaced. "Couple o' yahoos come ta town with a big ole cider squeezin' machine," she grumbled. "Done bet us they could make more cider'n we could."
"And, what, tore up your field?"
"Sorta," she said. "We was all about ta tell 'em nothin' doin', but Apple Bloom got herself all worked up, an' then they gone and had ta call Granny Smith chicken..."
"Ouch," I said. "I thought everypony in Equestria knew better than to call an Apple chicken."
"Well, that got Granny Smith all het up, an' the bet wuz on."
I nodded. That sounded about right for a true-bred Apple like Granny Smith. It also sounded like a story I'd heard in Canterlot about a couple of unicorn ponies with a juice pressing machine and a local vineyard. "What were the stakes?"
"Cider-sellin' rights in Ponyville."
Bingo. That was Flim and Flam, definitely. "I can't believe they tried the same scam again ," I mutttered.
"Ya heard of 'em?"
"Oh , yeah," I said. "Nearly drove a good family to bankruptcy in Canterlot. Shining Armor was furious, ran 'em out of town on a rail as soon as he got word of their stupid bet." He'd actually heard about it from a guard while I was trying to track him down. Sometimes, I wonder if he really needs my input to do his job.
"Why?" said A.J. "Ah mean, a deal's a deal, right?"
I snorted. "A.J.," I said, "Equestria's a free market economy. Princess Celestia worked darned hard to make it so that everypony has the right to do business. Anypony can sell anything , so long as it's legal. On top of that, she's made it illegal to try to deny somepony that right for any reason ." I snorted. "Flim and Flam weren't the first to try that particular dodge by a long shot, and they probably won't be the last."
"But we agreed to it, fair 'n' square," A.J. said. "T'ain't their fault we didn't know the law."
"Con ponies like Flim and Flam rely on honest ponies thinking like that," I said. I rolled my eyes, not at the way the Apples had been taken in, but at the fact that ponies like Flim and Flam would think to in the first place. "The worst part," I said, "is that a con pony will get you so focused on what you think he wants, you completely miss what he's actually after. It's the old invisible manticore at work."
"The what now?"
"A few years ago, some ponies did a test. They had a filmstrip of some ponies passing balls around, and told the ponies watching it to keep track of how many times the balls were passed between the unicorn ponies. All the ponies were moving around, but it wasn't too difficult a task, really."
"What in the hay does this have ta do with manticores?"
"I'm getting there," I said. "Keep your Stetson on. Anyway, they got just dozens of ponies to watch the film, one at a time, and all of them were given the same instructions. Afterward, they asked them about the film. Pretty much all of them got the number of passes right, but less than one in ten noticed that about halfway through this film, a pony in a manticore costume trotted out into the middle of the group, waved, and trotted off again."
A.J. laughed. "Yer kiddin'," she said.
I raised a hoof. "Orange's honor," I said, "I'm not. Ponies get so used to looking at one kind of thing, they often don't notice another. Con ponies use that, keep you off balance, concentrating on one thing, so they can slip another one by right under your nose. It's kind of like the way a good magician will use a little misdirection so you're watching their on hoof while they do something shady with the off one."
"So where's the invisible manticore in mah story?" said A.J., starting to get the point.
I frowned. "Hard to believe you still haven't seen it, considering that same manticore went and tore up your south orchard."
"We done let 'em use the south orchard."
"And how much did you charge them per bushel of your cash crop?"
"Um..."
"And what about the damage they did to the field? Did they reimburse you for that?"
"Well, we was just so relieved that nopony wanted their cider..."
"Bet they didn't stick around after that," I said.
"No bet," said A.J. "So they was after free apples?"
"Well," I said, "did they leave behind any of the cider they made?"
"Jest the spoiled barrels," she replied. "Which was a lot, but nowhere near all they made."
"You know what really burns me about this?"
"Burns you?! " A.J. was mad. Apple mad, which is about as mad as righteous indignation can make a pony.
"The waste," I said. "Anypony knows cider costs more than the apples it's made from. Those two could make a legitimate killing just selling their stuff a little cheaper. I mean, sure, it's not as good as hoof-made, but I tried the juice they made at that vineyard in Canterlot, and it's not bad . And old-fashioned orchards like Sweet Apple Acres could bump up their prices the tiniest bit to make up for the loss of business, and that way ponies can choose the bulk cheap stuff or the good, slightly more expensive stuff, and everypony wins!"
She frowned. "Well shoot," she said, "Ah don't know if Ah'd be comfortable raisin' prices none."
"Heck," I said, "sprinkle a little clover or rose petals in it and it's not just hoof made, it's a special blend . Canterlot ponies will pay almost twice as much for a good special blend cider."
"Yeah, well, thar's a bit o' additional expense, seein' as how we'd have ta clean off the millstone every time we wanted ta change blends," said A.J., "but Ah see whut yer gettin' at here. Still, twice as much ?" She whistled.
"Darn near," I said. "And that's just one possibility for how they could make a legitimate living off their contraption. They could make and sell the machines themselves if they really wanted to strike it rich. But ponies like that have always got their eye on the quick score, rather than the big one."
A.J. grinned cockily. "Well, well, well," she said. "Sounds like they've got an invisible manticore o' their own ta worry about."
I laughed. It was true: some ponies get so focused on the game that they forget there are other ways to make money. It was definitely something to consider during this vacation.
"Y'all seem ta know a lot about this sort o' thing," she said. "Fer a city pony, ya got a pretty good grasp on how the cider business works."
"Business is business," I said. "I couldn't run Sweet Apple Acres by any stretch of the imagination, but I've always got my eye out for possibilities. And for ponies like Flim and Flam," I grumbled. "A.J., I'm sorry you guys got stung by those two yahoos."
"Well, shoot," A.J. said, "Ah'll jest chalk it up ta a learnin' experience an' be grateful it only cost one field ta learnOH SHOOT!"
I jumped back a couple of inches. "What? What?"
"Ah done tole Princess C'lestia Ah didn't learn nothin' 'cause Ah already knew mah friends was as good as fam'ly." She frowned. "Now Ah gotta write a whole 'nother letter an' tell 'er Ah wuz wrong."
I laughed. "Oh, wow, did you really write that?"
A.J. grinned sheepishly. "Eeyup," she drawled, sounding for a moment just like her big brother. "Ah wuz all 'Dear Princess Celestia, Ah didn't learn nothin'! ' an' now Ah gotta eat crow."
"She'll get a kick out of that," I said.
"Ah don't git y'all, Orange Meringue," she said. "One minute yer goin' on about con ponies an' magicians an' invisible manticores an' all, an' the next yer talkin' about the Princesses like yer best buddies with 'em."
Wow, I was just slipping up all over the place, and not realizing it. Speaking of invisible manticores. I had to be more careful. Applejack, for all her country charm and apparent simplicity, was not stupid. "No, just... You go in and out of the Palace on business as much as I do, you hear things, you know? And the Princesses, apparently, look for the humor in things. At least, that's the scuttlebutt around the Palace."
A.J. nodded, taking that in. "Ah guess that makes--"
A loud, metallic ringing broke through the air, followed by the deep voice of Big Macintosh bellowing across the farm. "Sooooooup's on, y'all!"
I'll give you three guesses what the primary ingredient for dinner at Sweet Apple Acres was, and the first two don't count. I'm not complaining, mind. Apples are pretty hard to come by on the streets of Canterlot, as pretty much everypony likes them. Oranges, with their thick rinds and sour taste, are a lot easier to get hold of, and last a bit longer too.
But there at Sweet Apple Acres, the apples were nothing if not plentiful, and varied as well. Also, the Apple family know enough ways to prepare apples so that the meal doesn't get monotonous. And believe me, there are a lot of ways to prepare apples.
All in all, I filled up pretty quickly, and everypony went to bed not long after that.
Well, almost everypony. I slipped out into the darkness as quietly as I could, only to discover I wasn't the only pony sneaking around Sweet Apple Acres in the middle of the night.
Operation: Sweet Apple Ambush
A Busman's Holiday In which Deft Hoof is a cloud. Beep beep.
Lost Town (Canterlot)Like many other organizations of a more official nature, the Lost Colts have a night shift. Short Shanks, though younger than the two colts who work the streets at night, nevertheless feels responsible for them. He stays up to go over the guard patrols with them, and to wish them good luck and good hunting. All this has been done, but he is still having trouble sleeping: the weight of responsibility is even greater tonight than it has been in the past.
He tosses and turns, but it is no use. The small, grey wing of Bright Eyes draped across his back, normally a reassuring presence in the night, feels like it is crushing the air out of his lungs despite its light weight. He can't take it any longer. With subtle grace earned from his short life on the streets of Canterlot, he slips out from beneath her wing, then gently tucks it back against her body. He smiles wistfully at the sleeping filly, wanting nothing more than to curl up at her side again. Even out from under her embrace, however, he can feel the weight on his back.
It isn't a physical weight, but it makes his legs tremble as though it were. He can feel the weight of her future -- and not just hers, but that of every Lost Foal sleeping in Lost World tonight, as well as those (despite their being older than him) who have gone out to do the late shift second-story work. I think, he realizes, I understand Deft Hoof now. A bit, at least.
He quietly trots over to the nearest gap in the wall, nearly too small for him to squeeze through anymore, and peers out at the streets, his imagination filling in the parts he can't see. I just wish he wasn't out of town, so I could ask him about it. He takes another look out through the crack. Even down the dark alleys leading up to Lost Town, he can see perfectly well, thanks to the brilliant full moon directly overhead.
He squeezes through the gap, grunting a little as he realizes it'll only be a matter of time before this particular entrance is barred to him. Staring up at the full moon, he smiles. I suppose there is somepony I can talk to after all, he thinks. As he trots off towards the castle, he doesn't spare a backward glance towards Lost Town: his eyes are on the future. Nevertheless, if he had looked back, and seen the faceted blue eyes reflecting moonlight from the roof of his home, that future might have been brighter than it is shaping up to be at the moment.
I was immediately suspicious. A town as small as Ponyville shouldn't have anyone skulking about in the middle of the night -- barring yours truly, of course. At least, not without reason. In any case, it happening on the very night of my arrival stretched credulity. I was sure it had something to do with me, and that didn't bode well.
Nopony in Ponyville should know who I am , I thought. It didn't help. Something was going on, and I was going to find out what it was if it killed me.
As the would-be-stealthy pony made his or her way -- judging by the silhouette, I would say her, but people have made that mistake about me as well -- along the edges of Sweet Apple Acres, I took mental notes. Whoever it was, they were extremely wary of observers, but not especially good at blending in. They were sneaky, sure, but they were moving around in such a way that if anyone did see them (as I had), there would be no doubt they were trying to be stealthy.
Apart from that, it was a Unicorn pony with a pale blue or green coat -- everything takes on a blue tint at night; I'm sure a smart pony like Twilight Sparkle could explain why -- and a similarly-colored tail. Nopony I knew, which only made things--
Wait, I thought. Where did she go? It was a direct insult to my skills as a burglar and government agent, but I had completely lost her as soon as she ducked around the corner of the first building she encountered in town proper.
I frowned, leaning casually against the wall of the house -- a nice little one-story, three bedroom number judging from the exterior -- and tapping my hooves impatiently. She couldn't have just vanished into thin air, could she? I mean yes, historically, Winking , the ability to do just that, was a Unicorn spell, but to my knowledge the only modern pony capable of casting that spell was my Princess, who hardly counted as modern.
Grimacing, I circled the building once, trying to figure out where my prey had vanished to, when I caught sight of her again.
Wait, no, I corrected myself. That's a Pegasus pony. Not the same pony at all! This new would-be sneak was wearing a full-body jumpsuit, the kind you read about in pulp spy novels, and was being especially conspicuously sneaky: trotting around on tippy-hooves and looking over her shoulder every few seconds.
Oh, there was no doubt this one was female, either, as she hadn't bothered to tuck in her distinctive rainbow-colored tail. Rainbow Dash, winner of the Best Young Fliers competition and bearer of the Element of Loyalty, was sneaking around Ponyville like, well, a thief in the night.
Counting myself, this made at least three ponies sneaking around Ponyville in the dead of night, which stretched credulity to the breaking point. Ponyville, it seemed, suffered a surfeit of suspicious, sneaky sneaks.
Giving up on the blue-green unicorn as a lost cause, I decided to see what Ms. Dash was up to.
I followed her to a two-story building near Town Square, which was really an embarrassingly easy feat. For a fast flier, she lacked more than a little in the stealth department. The building itself had a very distinctive silhouette to it, and when I got closer, I saw why: It was made up to look like a gingerbread house out of a storybook.
As she made her way around to a side entrance, I proceeded around the other side to get a better view. Even a village like Ponyville has its narrow dark alleys, and I had found one. I crept up to the corner -- nonchalant facade forgotten as nopony would buy "yes, I was just out for a midnight stroll down this abandoned dark alley" as an excuse -- and peeked around to where the Element of Loyalty was.
She'd made her way up a flight of stairs leading to a second-story apartment atop the building, and rapped out… Oh, for the love of Luna, I thought with a grimace. "Shave and a Mane Cut"? Really? As the door opened a crack, spilling light towards the corner I was peering around, I ducked back. It definitely wouldn't do to be spotted at this point.
I glanced up at the building beside me. A single second-story window was lit, casting a golden glow on the walls above me but not quite reaching street level, and I looked around for a way to reach that window. There was a drainpipe on the opposite building that would get me part of the way up, but was too far to be of any good. Except…
Just a few feet away from that drainpipe was a handy little cumulus cloud somepony on the weather patrol had tucked away back here, possibly to give them a nice shady spot to nap, possibly to give them a place, conveniently enough, to access the same window I was trying to get to. Either way, my money was on Rainbow Dash being the pony in question. I was beginning to get an idea about just whose second-story apartment it was I was going to be spying on.
Oh, and make no mistake, I was going to be spying. Yes, it's an invasion of privacy, and rude as all Tartarus, but quite frankly, privacy and I are only barely on speaking terms to begin with, and it's only rude if you get caught anyway. I shimmied up the drainpipe, positioning myself as close to the cloud as I could manage, then pushed off into a backflip.
I would love to tell you all about how I stuck the landing, and crowds of my admirers came out of the woodwork to applaud my feat of agility, but, in fact, I nearly missed, and faceplanted rather badly. Fortunately, clouds are very, very soft for faceplanting onto. Unfortunately, they're pretty easy to get mired in unless you're a pegasus pony with weather manipulation experience.
That is, I should say, provided you have a cloud-walking enchantment. Without that, your average earth pony or unicorn pony would simply punch a pony-shaped hole in the cloud and fall to the ground below. Fortunately, a few years back I invested a frankly obscene amount of bits on something that I had only read about previously: A set of cloud-walking horseshoes.
Now let me tell you, when I say "an obscene amount of bits", you have to understand what I was paying for. Normally, the cloud-walking charm is temporary. Cloud-walking horseshoes have a permanent enchantment on them. The set I have can be activated or deactivated with a thought, which is another pretty penny. And even without that, they take the applied magics of all three pony races to create: a skilled farrier with a strong Earth Pony connection to the elements of the ground that make up the bulk of the shoes' material, a Pegasus Pony skilled enough in weather manipulation to gather and shape storm clouds to be folded into the metal, and a Unicorn Pony to cast the charm on the shoes while they're still white-hot from the forge.
Getting ponies to do that and then conveniently "forget" that they've done so takes quite the substantial investment. But let me tell you ponies, it is worth every bit to open up entire new avenues of travel not normally available to an Earth Pony like myself. Like, for example, the soft, fluffy cloud I was entangled in. No matter, it afforded me a partial view of the room I was trying to get near, and I could bury myself in it to help conceal my presence. In a matter of moments, all that could be seen of me was my tail, which could be mistaken for a wisp of cloud in this low light, and my eyes. I stifled a giggle at the ridiculous image this would have presented in daylight and focused on the conversation taking place in the room opposite me.
Just inside the window, I could see the top of an extremely well-groomed purple mane. It was brushed out and styled in a fancy looping style, distinctive as the mare it belonged to, and done in such a way as to bring out every varying shade of purple it was made of. This would have to be the famous fashionista (and bearer of the Element of Generosity) known as Rarity, I determined. I'd seen her around Canterlot a few months previously, hanging around with Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis and their clique of high society ponies. Lovely, but way out of my league, and definitely too nice a pony to end up on my work rotation, too. (For that matter, Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis themselves were off the market, too, for similar reasons, although the herd of yes-ponies that follow them everywhere were an easy payday to make up for it.)
To her immediate left, an even-more-familiar swoop of pink mane was about the only thing visible of Fluttershy, the bearer of the Element of Kindness. I'd seen her face plastered on advertisements and magazines all over Canterlot. She'd been quite the fashion model for all of, what? a week? And then she had mysteriously vanished from public view. I remember being concerned about her disappearance, and tracking down the photographer who'd discovered her: another off-the-market pony named Photo Finish.
Ms. Finish had been deep in her sprinkles, and lamented to anypony and everypony in earshot about how she had found the perfect, most graceful model ever, and how that model, despite having "De Magicks", had chosen a life of obscurity instead. She just didn't understand it. Fluttershy, it turned out, was terribly shy, and being a public figure like that had frankly horrified her. She'd only done it as a favor for her good friend Rarity, and quit as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
That was two -- no, I reminded myself, three -- of the six Elements of Harmony represented. All that were left were Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, and Applejack. If I was right, the apartment was Meanie's, which just left Ms. Sparkle and Applejack unaccounted for.
I was certain that Applejack was sound asleep back at Sweet Apple Acres, but Twilight… Ah, there she was, parading back and forth in front of the others like her brother during a morning briefing to his troops.
"All right, everypony," she said. "Now that we're all here, it's time to get this meeting underway." Her horn glowing with Unicorn magic, she levitated a stack of papers, tapped them into order, and glanced around the room. "We're all set for tomorrow's operation," she said, "but I just want to go over everything one more time to make sure we're all on the same page."
"Of course you do," grumbled a harsh voice -- likely that of Rainbow Dash.
"This is important , Rainbow Dash!" Twilight glared at the pony in question and I grinned at the confirmation of her identity. If I'd been right about Rainbow Dash's identity (and let's face it, she's pretty distinctive) chances were I was right about the rest as well.
"Code names!" hissed a voice I recognized all too well: Meanie -- Pinkie Pie, bearer of the Element of Laughter -- was sitting off to the side, out of my field of vision.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine," she groused. "First, Agent R.D. , what is the status of the targets?"
"Alpha and Beta are sleeping in their rooms," answered the cyan pegasus. "They're both sound asleep, but they're also early risers, so we should probably speed this up."
"It'd go a lot faster without the commentary," muttered Twilight.
"Gamma is still downstairs in her rocking chair, but she's asleep too," continued Rainbow Dash, either unaware of or ignoring Twilight's retort. "There's no sign of Iota, though."
Twilight snickered. "Not an iota of a sign of Iota?" she asked.
The pony I was sure was Rarity spoke up. "Little Iota is staying with my sister and her other little Crusader friend at my parents' house," she said. "She won't interfere."
"And Omega is all bundled up in his bed like a little filly," Rainbow Dash finished with a snicker.
"Are you sure?" Meanie asked. "Omega is sneaky . Like ultra-super-duper extra sneaky!" She paused, and I got the distinct feeling she was looking around the room suspiciously. "He could even be right outside, listening to us right now and we'd never know it!" she hissed low enough to make me lean forward until my face was poking out of the cloud.
Twilight rolled her eyes again, then trotted out of my field of vision to the right. I heard the sound of the door opening again. "Nopony out here," she announced.
"What about at the window?" piped up Meanie. Panicking, I ducked back inside the cloud, pushing the hole my face had made closed, and held perfectly still.
"Nothing out there but that cloud I was napping on this afternoon," reported Rainbow Dash.
"All right," said Twilight Sparkle. "What's the status on our supplies?"
"The 'cake' is in the 'oven'," reported Meanie.
"And the theater of operations, is it secured?"
"Oh, um…" The pink-maned pony I was convinced was Fluttershy said softly. "The rafters are all rigged according to Pinki-- I mean Agent P's diagrams."
"The partillery is in position," Meanie reported. "I had to move Target Beta's anvil, but other than that it was easy-peasy!"
Rainbow Dash snorted. "Only you, Agent P," she said.
I frowned. This was all sounding highly suspect. The bearers of the Elements of Harmony engaged in a clandestine meeting in the middle of the night, talking about ponies as targets, and… if I had heard Meanie correctly, some kind of artillery was involved somehow?! What was going on? What was this "cake" Meanie had referred to? What did it mean when she said it was "in the 'oven'"?
I didn't see very many possibilities. Either the bearers of the Elements of Harmony had found out about a dire threat to the kingdom of Equestria which involved ponies so high up they didn't dare tell anypony what they'd discovered, or the bearers themselves had somehow been suborned.
I found myself remembering with dawning horror what had happened on Shiny's wedding day -- how changelings, long thought vanished from the world, had invaded Canterlot with the aid of their queen, who had posed successfully as Princess Cadance for almost a week. Whatever was going on, it didn't bode well. I needed to find out who their targets were.
I dared to poke my head out of the cloud again, in an effort to get a look at the diagram on the wall behind Twilight Sparkle -- if it was Twilight Sparkle -- but it was fruitless. All I saw was a large rectangle with some X's and O's on it. I grimaced, and "Twilight" spoke up again.
"We'd better get moving," she said briskly. "It's nearly dawn, and we have to be in position before the targets wake up. Come on, girls! Operation: Sweet Apple Ambush is underway!"
Canterlot Castle Throne RoomThe Princess of the Night smiles beneficently down at her subject - and newest member of her elite ranks. "So," she says, "this is the concern that brought you into the palace at this late hour? Through, if my guards are to be believed, the hypocausts beneath this very chamber?"
"Yes, Your Highness," Short Shanks says, trembling.
"Oh, do dispense with the titles, Short Shanks," the Princess says with a smile. "If you'll recall, I encourage informality from the Eyes of the Moon, of which you most certainly are one."
Short Shanks nods, smiling hesitantly. "Yes, Ma'am-- I mean, Luna."
"That's much better," Princess Luna says. "And I must say I am quite proud of you. If I ever had any doubts about Deft Hoof's selection of you as apprentice, your visit tonight and especially the reason for that visit would have laid those doubts to rest."
"Erm," says Short Shanks. "Thank you?"
Luna smiles. "No," she says. "Thank you for understanding the responsibility of your post, and for coming to me with those concerns. I want you to know that I am always available to my subjects, and most especially to those in my direct employ."
She begins to explain to Short Shanks, in the tone of a mother telling her foal a favorite bedtime story, the origins of the Eyes of the Moon, and the reason for its continuation over the years. He listens, rapt, until his eyes will no longer stay open. When he has fallen asleep, she signals one of her bat-winged Night Guard to carry him to the apartments set aside for the Eyes of the Moon.
The next generation of street foals, she decides, will be in good hooves.
After waiting for the clandestine meeting of the Element Bearers to break up, I made my way back to Sweet Apple Acres. My mind was in a whirl. How could I tell A.J. that her best friends were conspiring against her in the middle of the night?
And Meanie ? This really didn't seem like her at all. Granted, it had been years since I'd last seen her, and that when she was a filly, but she had been so full of the joy of bringing happiness to others… I didn't see how i could reconcile that memory of her with what I'd just witnessed.
I would have to be subtle, I decided. I could do subtle. Subtle is my middle name! Deft Subtle Hoof, that's… No, that's a terrible name. That's… that's an adult entertainment name, is what that is. In any case, instead of raising what I still hoped would be a false alarm, I decided it was time to dig for more information.
I made it back to the farm just in time to pretend to have just woken up for breakfast.
"Mornin'," I muttered, trotting into the kitchen with an affected yawn. "What's for breakfast? Wait, don't tell me… apples?"
"Har-de-har," grumbled Big Macintosh good-naturedly. "As a matter of fact, we're havin' apple strudel."
"Sounds great!" I said. "Need a hoof?"
A.J. pushed me towards the table. "Naw," she said. "Twilight Sparkle says yer supposed ta be takin' it easy, and that's what yer gonna do."
"Yes, ma'am," I said with a grin. Well, I decided, may as well start investigating. "Hey, you and Meanie are good friends, right?"
A.J. returned my grin. "Who, Pinkie Pie? Shoot, Ah reckon she's friends with everypony in Ponyville. She always said so, anyhow."
"Well, did she ever act... I dunno, weird?"
"Only all the dang time," A.J. said with a laugh. "Why, Ah don't know how many times R.D.'s said it -- that'd be mah friend Rainbow Dash, by the way -- but she always says 'Pinkie Pie, you are so random !'"
"Well, okay," I acknowledged the point, "but I mean weird for her ."
"Well," A.J. said after a moment's thought, "there was this one time she got it in that head o' hers we didn't want ta be her friends no more, but R.D.'d be the pony to ask about that. Why?"
I certainly couldn't ask Rainbow Dash, she was in on it! Nevertheless, I couldn't just drop the subject either, or it'd rouse suspicions, and the wrong kind. "Well," I said, "I haven't seen her in so long, and I overheard something in town..." The best part was, it wasn't even a lie. I had overheard something in town last night.
A.J. waved a hoof dismissively. "Oh, now don't y'all fret none on what they all say in town. Sure, Pinkie Pie's friends with everypony in town, but you'll never meet a pack o' ponies as prone ta panic as the ponies in Ponyville. Pinkie Pie does not capture ponies and cut 'em up in the basement ta make cupcakes."
Just my luck, I was taking a deep draught of apple juice when she said that. I managed to avoid spraying her with the inevitable spit-take, but at the cost of making my breakfast soggy. "She doesn't WHAT?!"
"Oh, it was this Nightmare Night prank she 'n' Rainbow pulled a couple years back. Scared the town half ta death an' now ain't nopony'll shut up about it."
Well, unless Meanie had somehow turned all of the other element-bearers into cupcake-baking psychopaths -- unlikely, but, I suppose, marginally possible -- something else was going on. "That's... I'll have to ask her about that," I said. "Sounds like a heck of a story."
"Ah'm shore it is," A.J. said, turning back to her own breakfast. "Ah only caught bits 'n' pieces of it myself."
That tack wasn't getting me anywhere, so I decided to try heading off the operation itself. To do that, I'd have to figure out where on Sweet Apple Acres the ambush was to take place.
"Hey, Big Macintosh, did you ever become a farrier like you said you were gonna?"
He'd never said a thing about it back at the family reunion, or I'd've remembered. I'd hung on his every word back then, of which there were three: "eeyup," "nope," and "shucks." I'd thought he was the coolest pony ever to trot on four hooves back then (I'd avoided A.J. for fear of cooties until I saw her showing off rope tricks to our other cousins later on), and it was easy enough to play up that hero worship now. In any case, I could only think of one reason for there to be an anvil at an apple orchard like Sweet Apple Acres. I pressed on.
"I bet you are," I said. "I bet all the mares come to you to get shod, just so they can say they got nailed by Big Macintosh."
"Yer terrible," A.J. said with a laugh and a blush.
Big Macintosh just nodded and grinned. "Eeyup," he said. "Ah got a workshop out behind the farmhouse if y'all need re-shoeing."
I shook my head. "No thanks," I said. "I'm good." The last thing I needed was for him to get a good look at my horseshoes and start asking questions about them. "But I'd like to get a look at your forge - I never got to see one up close before. Where do you keep it? Not in the barn, I'm sure - it'd be a fire hazard, wouldn't it?"
"Nope," drawled the farm pony. "Ah got a workshed back behind the barn. Well, except Ah keep the anvil in the barn 'cause there ain't room for it in the workshed, and Ah don't wanna leave it out in the open on account of rain." He grinned. "The pegasus ponies ain't likely ta leave a hole in the clouds fer mah anvil, so Ah gotta move it inside when Ah ain't usin' it."
Bingo! The barn was where the anvil Meanie'd had to move was, so that had to be where the ambush would take place. Time to take this investigation into the field. Frankly, a little intrigue was a welcome taste of home on my enforced vacation.
Big Macintosh's anvil, as it happens, was still in the barn. There was no sign of anything even resembling artillery. Nor, in fact, was there a sign that the anvil had been moved. Was I wrong?
No, impossible. They'd called the operation "Sweet Apple Ambush" after all. Something fishy was going on and I was dead certain that barn was at the center of it. I just had to keep the focus on "certain" rather than "dead".
I made my way up to the rafters to try to find the rigging that Fluttershy claimed to have done, and was coming up empty. Again, the thought occurred: was I wrong? Or had I missed something? Were A.J.'s friends better at hiding things than I was at finding them? As I balanced there, scratching my head with a forehoof, A.J. came in, followed closely by Big Macintosh.
"What in tarnation are ya doin' up there, Orange Meringue?" she asked.
I tried to come up with an excuse, but drew a blank. "Uh," I said, stalling for time. As I looked down at the two farm ponies, I heard the door on the other end of the barn open behind me.
"C'mon, Granny Smith," said a youthful voice behind me. "Sweetie Belle said if'n we don't hurry, we're gonna miss it!"
I turned to look. Sure enough, little Apple Bloom was there, alternating between leading and pushing Granny Smith into the barn.
I felt the walls closing in around me. I was missing something. Something obvious. If I was right, and I was sure of that, then all five targets of Operation: Sweet Apple Ambush were present and accounted for, at the location the ambush was scheduled to take place.
At one end of the barn, Alpha and Beta - Applejack and Big Macintosh. At the other, Gamma and Iota - Granny Smith and Apple Bloom. And in the middle, helpless and panicking, Omega - myself. Whatever was going to happen would be happening right about--
Before I could finish the thought, a noise from the hay loft caught my attention. Had I checked the hay loft? I turned to face it just in time for it to blow up in my face.
I admit it: I screamed like a little filly. I mean, it was already a tense situation, and right when it was at its most tense, there was a huge explosion right in front of me. So, yes, I screamed, and fell, and screamed some more. It took almost a second and a half for me to realize I hadn't hit the ground. I opened my eyes and saw two things -- well noticed two things about the many things I saw.
First, I realized I was seeing red - everything had taken on a deep red tint. I reached up with a hoof, expecting it to come away bloody, but appeared to be unharmed. I took another look around. The red tint was sparkling and... of course. Unicorn magic. I was being held aloft by unicorn magic, so naturally, everything outside that magic was covered by the telltale aura. Second, in addition to the red glow and the sparkles, I saw that the air was filled with confetti and paper streamers.
I continued to look around. There were a few of those large spools you see on farms: the kind that fencing wire or heavy-duty cable comes on. They were covered with tablecloths and plates and glasses, all in a festive style, which hadn't been there before the explosion.
I remembered something Meanie had told me back at the Pie family reunion, after telling me how she got her cutie mark: "When I grow up," she'd said, "I'm gonna invent a cannon that shoots parties! " And the previous night, she hadn't said "artillery." She'd said "par tillery." Party plus artillery equals partillery. It made perfect sense... in a Meanie sort of way.
So the "ambush", it turned out, was a festive one: a surprise party. I'd gotten all worked up over nothing. Maybe I did need a vacation after all.
I looked around until I saw Meanie and all her friends coming out from behind some hay bales. Twilight Sparkle's horn was surrounded in the same red glow that surrounded me: she'd saved my life. I grinned sheepishly as she set me on my hooves.
"This is the part where we're supposed to jump out and say 'surprise'," she said, "but I think you may have had enough surprises for one--"
She stopped, staring at me. Wheels were turning in that bright head of hers. Conclusions were about to be reached. I thought back to the last time I'd seen her, crying her eyes out over the loss -- albeit temporary -- of a beloved doll. Had she gotten a good look at me back then? I had the sinking feeling, supported by the expression of dawning anger in her eyes, that she had.
Oh, horseapples, I thought. This is not going to end well.
A Busman's Holiday In which Deft Hoof learns that you can't actually die of embarrassment.
I glanced around the barn. I saw three different avenues of escape, but sadly, all three required me to either incapacitate somepony or, in one even worse case, pretend to take Applebloom hostage. I smiled nervously.
"You!" Twilight Sparkle snarled.
I waved a hoof. "Hi," I said cheerfully. "We haven't met. I'm--"
"Oh, yes we have," the studious mare said, her angry snarl deepening.
"Ah, no," I said, "we haven't, actually. Not actually, you know, met met."
She scoffed at me. "What," she said sarcastically, "like a formal introduction? 'Hi, my name is Orange Meringue, and I'm here to FOALNAP your best friend'?! "
"Oh, come on," I said. "It was just a --" I blinked. "Your best friend?" I frowned. "You're joking."
She glared at me.
"You're not joking." I could feel my frown deepening. "Twilight, it was a doll . A doll that you, I might add, got back right away. " I smirked. "It's not like it was traumatized by the experience," I joked.
"Not traumatized?" Twilight Sparkle was incredulous. "Not traumatized?! SHE POPPED A STITCH, YOU HEARTLESS FIEND! " With that, a nearby pie pan (with the pie still in it, I might add) lifted from a table and rocketed towards my tender, unprotected face. Clearly, the hearts of millions of unattached mares hung in the balance, so I did the only rational thing. I ducked.
Cousin Applejack, sadly, lacked my highly trained reflexes. The pie -- orange meringue, I noted with a bit of amusement -- struck her square in the face. From my other side, a raucous burst of laughter erupted, and everypony spared a glance in that direction.
Rainbow Dash, bearer of the Element of Loyalty and winner of last year's Best Young Flyer Competition, was clutching her sides and absolutely howling with laughter.
"Reckon that's funny, do ya, R.D.?" Applejack asked with a smirk. She trotted over to the table the pie had come from, reared back, and brought down both forehooves on the edge of the table, upending it and sending its remaining contents -- two more pies and a stack of paper plates -- flying. With two well-aimed mule-kicks, she sent both pies sailing, one after another, straight at the offending pegasus.
Rainbow Dash, however, was fast enough to dodge both. The baked treats sped through the air past where she had been, trailing gobbets of whipped cream like sloppy weatherponies with clouds, to strike the elegantly-coiffed Rarity.
"Oh," snarled Rarity, glaring at the farm pony, "It. Is. ON. "
Things might have been salvageable at that point. We might have negotiated an armistice before sacrificing the entire array of party fare to the war effort. That is, were it not for one pony.
To this day, I'm only certain of one thing: whoever shouted the words "FOOD FIGHT" at the top of their lungs had the last name "Pie." That left two suspects, and despite being one of them, I honestly don't know which of us did it. All I know is that Fluttershy let out an adorable little "eep!" and ran to hide, then all Tartarus broke loose in that barn.
What followed was a confusion of flying pastries, the messier the better, and manic activity. That barn became a regular war zone. At one point, I remember dragging myself along the floor on my belly, a punchbowl over my head as an impromptu helmet, as I made my way over towards Applebloom.
She lay there, not moving but for the occasional twitch, a large, red, sticky stain directly over her heart. I dragged myself up onto my haunches and pulled her into my lap, trembling with emotion. "NO!!" I screamed at the heavens.
"Hammin' it up there, ain'tcha?" the filly grumbled.
"Shh," I said. "Dead ponies can't talk."
"Says who?" Applebloom craned her neck to look at me better. "Anyway, Ah ain't dead. This is just a flesh wound."
"Oh come on," I said. "That cherry tart hit you right in the heart."
"Ah'm tart-proof!"
"Are not!"
"Am too!"
"You are in no way, shape, or form," I objected, "tart-proof ."
"Ah'll say," Applejack interjected. "Y'all better go wash off afore that dries."
Applebloom sighed. "Oh, fine," she said. "Y'all better save me some o' that party food, though." With that, she trotted back towards the farmhouse.
I tapped my chin with a forehoof. "Is there any food left? Or was it all sacrificed to the war effort?"
"I think that's everything," the pony that started it all said, having momentarily forgotten what caused her to lob a pie at me in the first place.
"Oh, don't be silly," Meanie said dismissively, and produced an enormous three layer cake. "I have cakes stashed all over Ponyville in case of a party emergency!"
I blinked. "A party emergency?"
"And brother," she continued, "this is definitely a party emergency." Carelessly tossing the massive confection aside -- where, I noted, it landed safely on the spool-cum-table Applejack had only just set back upright -- she began tearing around the barn shouting "WOOOOoooOOOOOooooOOOOOOo! PARTY EMERGENCY! PARTY EMERGENCY! WEEEEEoooooEEEEEooooEEEEEooo!"
I was interrupted in the process of chuckling at her antics and rolling my eyes by a glare from Twilight Sparkle. Clearly, as distracting as the food war had been, she had remembered what prompted her to throw the first pie. "Well?"
I contrived to look innocent. "Well what?"
She let out an aggravated growl. "Are you going to apologize or what?!"
I stood before her, frosting dripping from my mane, lowered my head and offered the most sincere apology of my life. "I'm sorry," I said, "that I upset you all those years ago with my stupid little prank. I didn't mean to hurt anypony's feelings, least of all a cute little filly like yourself."
"Apopogy acce--" She stopped, blinking for a moment, then blushed furiously.
"What?" I said defensively. "You were downright adorable with your little doll and your quill and your scroll and that enormous pile of books and..."
"We get the point, Orange Meringue," Applejack interrupted. "What Ah wanna know is, what in the hay made y'all steal a doll from a little filly in the first place?"
I shrugged. "First of all, you have to remember I was a little foal myself at the time. It was... a sort of initiation."
"Like to a club?" an unfamiliar voice asked. I looked around. Applebloom had returned, sparkling clean, and she had brought with her two other fillies: a white unicorn with a curly pink and purple mane, and an orange pegasus with a purple mane.
"Sure," I said. You could look at the Eyes of the Moon as a highly exclusive club, after all, with only two members at any given time. "See, I had to prove myself, and to do that, I had to take something from the throne room and try to get out without getting caught."
"You didn't, though, did you?" Twilight Sparkle grinned at me in a decidedly superior manner, proud of Princess Celestia's guards and their defeat of a little colt.
I smirked. "I got out of the throne room, didn't I?" My smirk widened to a grin and I polished a hoof on my chest fur. "I made it almost all the way to the castle gate before they got me."
"So did ya get in yer club?" Applebloom shoved herself between Twilight and myself, looking up at me wide-eyed.
"I sure did," I said. "Best day of my life, even counting the day I got my cutie mark!"
"No way!" the orange pegasus piped up. "Nothing could be better than getting your cutie mark!"
I took a look at her, then Applebloom and the unicorn, who were crowding in beside her. I considered my response very carefully, as I realized that the three of them were all still blank-flanks. "Yes way!" I countered. Their young minds were no match for my superior debate skills.
"Nuh-uh!" the unicorn filly countered. Blast! She was good . I began to formulate a strategy to counter her argument.
Before I could unleash my devastating counter-argument, which began with "Yuh" and ended with "huh" and would have completely flattened any opposition, the elegantly-coiffed Rarity stepped in. "Sweetie Belle!" She sounded positively aghast. "A lady doesn't speak in such a crude manner!"
"I'm sorry, Rarity," the little filly said. Miss Manners to the rescue!
I felt a prodding on my hip, and turned around to see the pegasus filly poking at my flank with a hoof, her tiny wings beating so fast they were a blur, but barely able to keep her aloft.
"What in the hay kind of cutie mark is that? " she asked bluntly.
"It looks like a pie pan," Twilight Sparkle said.
"You are correct!" I grinned at her. "But with Princess Celestia's most faithful student, nothing but the best could be expected!" I turned from her to regard my cutie mark. "It is, in fact, not only a pie pan, nor just an empty pie pan, but a recently emptied pie pan. Note the crumbs around the edges. It is by far the coolest, most dashing cutie mark ever to grace a flank!"
The pegasus filly, Scootaloo, scoffed. "Rainbow Dash's cutie mark is way cooler," she said, her interest in my flank waning in favor of interest in the cake Pinkie Pie had produced moments before her arrival.
"That's because you haven't heard his cutie mark story! " I blanched. I had forgotten that Meanie was there on the day I got my cutie mark. She knew the whole sordid affair. And anypony who's spent more than two minutes in her presence is well aware that once Meanie gets started talking, no force in Equestria can stop her.
It happened in a heartbeat. One moment, Scootaloo was picking out a slice of cake. The next, she, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom were sitting perfectly still in front of me, looking up expectantly. I looked at them, particularly at little cousin Applebloom, then looked over at her big sister, who I was quite sure would pound me into Deft Hoof pancakes if I prompted her little sister to try anything dangerous or unlawful. While danger hadn't factored into my cutie mark story, it had definitely led to a life filled with both danger and questionable (at best) activities.
Before I could demur and attempt to change the subject, something terrible happened. I mean, out of all the possible things that could have happened, this was the worst possible thing!
Meanie, who, as I said, had been present when I got my cutie mark, began to tell them exactly how it happened.
More or less.
It all started at the big Pie Family Reunion, about a week after we all got our cutie marks.
Wait, wait, wait. You guys all got your cutie marks at the same time?
We sure did! And stop interrupting!
My family was hosting the event, because we could just rotate the crops in our rock farm to clear out enough space for everypony. Merry and I had just met each other, and I was taking him to where all us little colts and fillies were playing at the south end of the west field. He was really silly, and a lot of fun to talk to, so I kind of lost track of what I was supposed to do after we got there.
See, I was supposed to be the hostess for all us little ponies while my parents were doing the same thing for all the big ponies. And one of my jobs as hostess was to make sure that all us little ponies had our dessert.
But I got so wrapped up in playing with everypony that I totally forgot to go get the pie! Dun dun DUN!
I don't think the dramatic sting was entirely necessary, Meanie.
It was totally necessary, Merry! And didn't I tell you to stop interrupting?
By the time I remembered the pie, my Granny Pie had already left the kitchen, and she had locked the door behind her! I was so upset! A family reunion is like a really big, really special party, and how could I be a great party pony if I forgot something super-duper critical like refreshments?!
I couldn't tell Mom and Dad, they'd be super disappointed in me, since they'd put me in charge of the little colts and fillies specifically because it let me throw a party for them! Granny Pie had made her bestest best cherry pie, and it was sitting inside the kitchen, and I was stuck outside, and there was nothing I could do about it!
I sat there for a little bit, trying to figure out how to save the party, when Merry came up next to me.
"What's wrong?" he asked, and I was just so super sad I couldn't say anything. I just pointed up at the kitchen window.
He looked up at it, all frowny like this--
That... I did not look like that.
You did too! And then you got all happy like this!
Totally exaggerating, I did not jump in the air like that, and there definitely weren't any fireworks and where did you get those anyway?
She's just being Pinkie Pie.
"Do not fret, little girl," he said.
Lies.
Okay, okay. What he said was "You need that pie? 'Cause I bet I can get it!"
I was all "nuh-uh" and he was all "yuh-huh" and then I said "nuh-uh" and--
We went at it for about a minute and a half, Meanie. Please tell me you're not going to go through that whole thing.
So anyway, after all that intense debate, I finally agreed to let him try to get the pie, but he had to agree not to let anypony know I had forgotten it, which meant he totally couldn't get caught. That's when he went all super spy and stuff, it was great!
I led him around to the far side of the house, all "remember: if you get caught, I will deny all knowledge of your operation" and stuff, and he was all "I live for the tough jobs" and then he pulled out his spy gear! He used a grapple gun to climb up to the--
I did not use a grapple gun. I used the drainpipe.
Are you telling this story or am I?
Okay, all right, continue. But try to stick to what actually happened?
Oh, all right. He shimmied up the drainpipe like WOOSH! and before I knew it, he was pushing open my bedroom window and just hopped inside like bam!
That's... pretty impressive for a little colt.
Heh, yeah, I've always been pretty nimble.
He totally was! But to get to the pie, he had to make it past the vicious guard dog!
Vicious guard dog?
Aunt Strawberry's chihuaua. They'd put him in Meanie's room to keep him out of the way.
I don't know what happened then, because I was still way down on the ground, but since I didn't hear even the tiniest little bark from Muffin, I can only assume Merry somehow managed to sneak past without disturbing him. A few seconds later, the next window over opened up and he stuck his head out.
"Go meet me by the kitchen window and I'll slide the pie over to you," he said, and went back inside. While I ran around to the front side of the house, he had to get down the stairs, past the booby traps, and across the pressure sensitive floor alarm triggers!
You're not going to correct her?
Her little sister's toys were all over the stairs. She had roller skates! I could've broken my neck!
And the pressure sensitive alarm?
Squeaky floorboards and Uncle Lemon's sheepdog. One false move and I would have been busted for sure.
So Merry made his way, inch by agonizing inch, through the kitchen, until finally he made it to the window. I saw him look around to make sure none of the grown up ponies were looking, then he opened the window just far enough for the pie.
"Heads up, Meanie," he said, then slid the pie over so that it fell off the windowsill, letting me catch it on my back. Oh, hey, and that was the first time I had a twitchy tail, too! Ha! I never realized that.
A twitchy tail?
Oh, don't get her started on her Pinkie Sense. Just trust that it's real and it works, and don't think about it too much.
He didn't want to come out where everypony could see him, of course, so that meant he had to sneak all the way back up to my room, past the dogs and the floorboards and my sister's skates, and back out the window and down to the ground!
I was exceptionally grateful that she hadn't mentioned that I hadn't quite reached the drainpipe on my way back to the ground, which meant taking the fast way down. "Anyway," I finished for her, "when we all finished eating our pie, and were all hanging out together having fun, Meanie noticed that I had gotten my cutie mark!"
"Wow," said Scootaloo, "that was great! You were like a totally super secret agent pony! Or a cat-burglar, or--!"
I could feel my pulse racing. "Aw, I was just a colt trying to do right by his family, that's all," I said. "Anyway, yeah. That's why my cutie mark is an empty pie pan!"
"Hey," said Sweetie Belle, "I bet we could be all super-sneaky like that! Come on, girls!"
The three of them hoof-bumped, then proceeded to demonstrate the exuberance and sheer volume of youth. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CAT-BURGLARS! YAY!"
With that, they galloped out of the barn and left me there to face the music.
* * * * *
Fountain Plaza - CanterlotShort Shanks grimaced. Today had not been a good day. Not only wasn't he getting anything useful from anypony, absolutely everypony was off their game in a big way. Twitchy had nearly got herself pinched not once or twice today, but five times . Peach Fuzz had been the worst lookout he'd had since his own earliest days in the wealth relocation industry.
It was like working with an entire group of first-day amateurs, and it was driving him crazy. He was half tempted to head back to Lost Town just to get away from this mess, but that would mean leaving everypony to their own devices, and quite frankly, he didn't think they could cope with that today.
He frowned. Something weird was definitely going on. He just hoped that the ponies working over by the business district were having a better day.
* * * * *
To my relief, Applejack did not confront me about giving her sister ideas. At least, not at the party. After the fillies left, followed shortly by Granny Smith, Meanie trotted out the party games. Playing Pin the Tail on the Pony surprisingly reminded me of my time as apprentice to the previous Eye of the Moon, a scruffy pegasus pony who went by the trade name One-Eye despite having two good eyes. (It was years before he finally told me it was because in his early days on the street, he'd learned to sleep with one eye open.)
After a few hours, the party started to wind down. We all pitched in to help clean the barn, over Meanie's objections ("Cleaning up after the party is the hostess' job," she explained.) and each of the ponies apart from myself and the Apples took their leave.
As we headed back towards the farmhouse, Applejack trotted alongside me. "We need ta talk, Sugarcube," she muttered. "Soon's we git back inside."
I sighed and nodded. "Okay, Applejack," I said, in case she hadn't seen.
The conversation was short and to the point.
"All right," Applejack said, "here's what's what. Ah ain't gonna judge y'all, and Ah ain't gonna ask no pryin' questions. Ah just want y'all ta know that mah little sister Applebloom means more ta me than even this here farm. If'n y'all go givin' her ideas and she goes and gits herself hurt, Ah don't care if y'all're bestest of best friends with both princesses and keep 'em stashed in yer saddlebags for emergencies. Ah. Will. End. You." By the time she finished, her brilliant green eyes were barely an inch from my own. "Clear?"
"Crystal."
"All righty then," she said, her mood significantly lighter. "Y'all have a good night, Sugarcube!"
"Um... you... too?"
* * * * *
I couldn't stay up all day and still go out in the middle of the night every night, so I decided to get some daytime practice in. Today, I decided, it was time to practice maneuvering in a crowd. I could have gone into Ponyville, but I didn't want to attract any attention. Applebloom was off at school, Applejack was selling apples at market, and Big Macintosh was tending the crop, replanting the trees that had been torn up by Flim and Flam's juicing machine, so as long as I stayed clear of the farmhouse itself and the orchards that Big Mac was in, I was sure I could find a place to practice there on Sweet Apple Acres.
As it happens, it didn't take me long to find one: the Zap Apple orchard. The trees weren't as evenly spaced as the rest of Sweet Apple acres, which suited me fine, and so long as they were out of season, there was no reason for Big Macintosh to be in this part of the farm.
I spent the next hour (on and off) dashing around the Zap Apple trees, making sharp turns, cutting as close to their gnarled trunks as I could without brushing against them. All in all, while it wasn't as good as an actual crowd -- the trees may have been closer together than the rest of the trees at Sweet Apple Acres, but they still had a fair bit of distance between them -- it was still a good practice session.
While I was practicing, I decided to try some more active defensive maneuvers. Dive-rolls, leaps, and other acrobatic moves found their way into my practice, and then I began to populate the orchard with imaginary ponies. The trees, I decided, could act as guards or enemies, while I would have to use other landmarks -- rocks and hummocks and the like -- to mark the positions of the imaginary bystanders.
That was the beginning of the critical error that led to my spending my second night in Ponyville in a hospital bed. The end of the error was when, while galloping towards one of the trees at full tilt, I realized I was about to run right through a place I'd marked as having a bystander. Originally, I had been about to pull a Daring Do special -- charge at an opponent, then do a quick jog to one side when they put their guard up -- but the addition of the (now imaginarily terrified) imaginary bystander directly in my path changed that plan.
Instead, I decided to try out a move I'd been dreaming up for just such an occasion: the corkscrew kick. The idea behind the corkscrew is to use a midair twist and flip to add extra torque to an otherwise bog-standard mule kick.
It proved highly effective at increasing the impact a small pony like myself can provide, which was a good thing.
Did you know that Zap Apple trees can release an electric charge as a defense mechanism? And that the harder you hit them, the greater the discharge? I did not. I wouldn't find out until much, much later. I can't really describe what being electrocuted feels like. I haven't got the words to describe it. The closest I can come is to say it feels kind of like hitting your funny bone, only all over your body and about a billion times stronger. Fortunately, the sensation didn't last that long.
Actually, sensation itself didn't last that long. It would be well past noon the next day before I was aware of anything at all. And it was shortly after awakening that I learned about the Zap Apple defense mechanism, as the nurse explained where I was and how I got there.
A Busman's Holiday In which secrets are revealed, plots thicken, and pastries are baked.
While I'm no stranger to waking up in a different bed on any given day than the day before, there's something unnerving about waking up in a hospital bed with no clue how you got there in the first place. The last thing I remembered was kicking a tree. There was no way that could have landed me in the hospital, could it?
It turns out that it could, and, in fact, did.
It was midafternoon when I came to, alone, in what was clearly a hospital bed. I looked around for any signs of a guard being put on me, more out of force of habit than any actual concern, and quickly came to the conclusion that I was completely unattended.
My first reflex was to make a break for it.
I stopped myself, thinking about how the Apples would react to their guest not only being hospitalized, but vanishing from his bed before they knew he'd recovered. This, of course, made me want to make a break for it again.
No, I told myself. Playing pranks on your host is a poor way to repay hospitality. Still, there was that voice in the back of my head, unaccustomed to being ignored, that reminded me just how funny it would be.
As this little argument went on, I also began to wonder just how much my treatment would cost. I'd never had to pay a medical bill before, so I had no clue. Naturally, my first reflex when confronted with the possibility of paying for treatment was to make a break for it.
Let's face it: Making a break for it is pretty much my go-to solution for anything that can't be resolved by a little petty larceny. It's good to keep ponies on their hooves, I reasoned.
With that in mind, I eased myself out of bed, only to find that all four legs had gone numb.
The thud I made hitting the floor was all it took to alert the nurse on duty that her charge had regained consciousness. She came trotting in to investigate the sound, and the exasperated look she gave me upon finding me, on the floor, tangled up in my bedsheets, said it all.
"Good morning, Mr. Pie," she said amiably. "Or, should I say, good afternoon . I see you're feeling energetic."
I grinned up at her. "Ever and always," I said. "I expect I've had plenty of bed rest and am about due for some exercise, hey?"
"We'll be the judges of that," she said, her alabaster horn glowing with a soft pink aura as she telekinetically hoisted me back into bed. "You've had a severe electrical shock, so it's quite possible you'll have to remain bed ridden for another day or two while your nervous system recovers."
"What exactly happened?"
She grinned. "Well, this is all speculation, but Miss Applejack says you were found in the Zap Apple orchard in Sweet Apple Acres, so the most likely explanation is that you hit one of their Zap Apple trees hard enough for it to, well, hit back." She shrugged. "It wouldn't be the first time, though I do have to wonder why you would even try bucking Zap Apples when they aren't even on the trees."
I frowned. "Wait, are you saying that a tree knocked me out?"
"Oh, yes," she said. "Pretty much every pony in Ponyville knows that Zap Apple trees build up a strong electromagical charge, which they release in self-defense on impact. It keeps animals like beavers at bay."
"I," I said, "will never live this down if they hear about it back home."
"Well," said the nurse, "they won't hear it from me. However, Miss Applejack, and all her friends and family members, have been in to visit you since you were admitted last night, so it's quite probable that word has gotten out. Those Cutie Mark Crusader friends of Apple Bloom's can be quite the chatterboxes." She pulled out a stethoscope, placed it against my ribs, and instructed me to breathe.
"Great," I muttered under my breath.
"Excellent."
"Not really," I said. "The P... My friends are fairly expert in the use of barbed words and backhoofed compliments."
"Oh, not that," she explained. "Your heartbeat and respiration. No arrhythmia or other major issues. In fact, if you'll give me a moment to consult with your physician, we may be able to lift that numbing spell and see you on your way!"
"Yes, please," I said, the embarrassment of having been unable to manage the simple task of getting out of bed rising to the fore again.
* * * * *
Short Shanks frowns. There had been something, he thinks. Something important. Something to do with the Lost Foals. He knows he shouldn't worry about them. Bright Eyes told him as much just last night. But still, it's in his nature to worry. Especially since taking the oath the other night.
They've left him alone in Lost Town, in the manager's office. He tries to shake off the stupor that's making it so hard to think, but it clings to his mind like spiderweb, or a cocoon...
A cocoon!
Suddenly, the fog lifts, burned away by terror. The Lost Foals have been abducted, he realizes. Every last one of them has been taken away from Lost Town, and in their place, those... those things.
Even Bright Eyes.
Especially Bright Eyes.
How could he have forgotten? Did he never suspect at all? Some Eye of the Moon he was turning out to be, not to notice a major threat to the Kingdom when it was forming literally under his nose.
Frantic, he tries the door. While the lock is on the inside, the door itself won't open. Likely, he concludes, it has something wedged under the handle outside. The windows are out, too, he thinks. We've gone and broken up the ledge outside to keep intruders out. Blast it all, anyway.
Frantic, he casts about, looking for something, anything he can use to escape. The window over the door is open, he realizes. The real Lost Foals wouldn't have missed something like that. But trust an enemy with both wings and magic to underestimate the abilities and resourcefulness of an Earth Pony.
Once his mind is made up on a course of action, it takes little time at all for him to clamber up to the window, squeeze through, and make his escape. He has to warn the Princesses, as quickly as possible. This is what the Eyes of the Moon are for.
As he runs, he starts planning how best to get to the Princesses quickly, and without either causing a general panic at the thought of another invasion of Canterlot or blowing his cover.
But then, that's what contacts are for, he realizes. And wasn't he given specific instructions for dealing with just such a situation before Deft Hoof left?
* * * * *
It took very little time, but quite a bit of embarrassment, to progress from speaking to the nurse, to speaking to the doctor, to getting the numbing spell lifted, all the way to checking myself out of Ponyville General.
Speaking of which, did you know that a standard practice when applying a full-body numbing spell is to also apply a catheter? Neither did I. That's where the embarrassment came in, full force. Nurse Tenderhoof -- I felt like a mule for not asking her name, by the bye -- and Doctor Helping Hoof were strictly professional, but the sensation of having a catheter removed is one to be avoided at all costs, if you can manage it.
With that out of the way, I set off into Ponyville, in order to reassure my hosts that their guest was recovered and had even learned a valuable lesson into the mix. My first stop, I decided, would be the town's market square. At least one member of the family was bound to be there, peddling the Apple family's cash crop. (No points for guessing what product that is.)
It turns out that the pony minding the store was none other than my foalhood hero, Big Macintosh. Unsurprisingly, a small group of mares was clustered around the area near his stall, out of the way of business, but definitely in his line of sight. I waved at him and trotted up.
"Ah see y'all recovered just fine," the large red stallion said with a grin. "Ah told Apple Bloom not ta worry none."
I grinned back. "She was worried about me?" I said. "That's awful sweet."
"Eeyup," he drawled. "Seems last Zap Apple season, she an' her little filly friends got it in their heads ta try an' buck themselves some Zap Apples afore they were ripe, an' she's awful tore up about not warnin' y'all about the way them trees buck back."
I laughed. "Well, it's not her fault," I argued. "It's not like there were any apples on the trees for me to buck, so how could she know I was going to go and kick the fool thing to begin with?"
"Ah done tole her th' exact same thing. Applejack too, Ah reckon." His grin widened. "Shoot, Ah figger everypony from her friends on up ta Granny Smith herself tole her. Ah reckon Winona'd have put her two bits in, if'n she could talk."
I laughed again. "Well, I figured on going around and letting everypony know I'm out and doing fine," I explained. "I don't suppose you know where they all are?"
"Granny Smith'd be at home," he said. "She don't come inta town much, on account o' her bad hip an' all. Apple Bloom'll be over at Sugar Cube Corner with her Cutie Mark Crusader friends. And ole Applejack's visitin' with Twilight Sparkle at the library right about now." This last was accompanied by a nod towards a large tree just a block down the road from the market. A second look revealed that the tree had windows, a door, and a sign in the shape of an open book out front. Trust Twilight Sparkle to live in a magic tree, I thought.
I tipped an imaginary hat at him. "Much obliged," I drawled. "Ah reckon Ah'll see y'all back at the farm."
He rolled his eyes. "Don't do that," he said. "Y'all sound a plum fool."
I waggled my eyebrows at him. "Mission accomplished," I chirped, and trotted off towards the library, nodding amiably at the two mares standing to the side of the stall, obviously trying to get Big Mac's attention without overtly doing anything.
The pair of them glared at me as though my conversation had ruined their plans to get a date with what had to be the most eligible bachelor in Ponyville. I considered reassuring them that I had no such designs upon the stallion, but decided it was better left alone.
My path of approach to the library turned out to be from the rear of the tree, and so took me past an open window as I made my way around to the front.
I'll be honest. While I did try to avoid eavesdropping when I heard Applejack's voice coming from the window, I didn't try very hard.
"...just don't know, Twi," the farm pony was saying. "When Ah checked him inta Ponyville General, Ah figgered Ah'd bring him somethin' o' his ta help pass th' time with, an' Ah found this in his bags."
I froze, sweat beading on my brow.
"Okay," Twilight Sparkle said. "There's no reason to jump to conclusions, here. These aren't necessarily what they look like, right?"
"Twi," Applejack said patiently. "Y'all're the one who done told me what all they are, an' what they're for. Now why would anypony go around with a set o' lockpicks in their travel bag?"
I had to remind myself that repeatedly bashing my head into the wall would undoubtedly draw their attention. Simply hanging out under the window had drawn angry glares from a pair of...
I frowned. Was that the same two mares I'd seen over by Big Macintosh's stall at market? I contrived to look casual while giving them the once over. Two mares, one an aqua Unicorn with a lighter-colored mane and a picture of a lyre or an old Coltic harp on her flank, the other a pale cream Earth Pony with a purple and pink mane and a cutie mark consisting of three wrapped candies. Yes, it was the same two mares.
Were they following me? I frowned. While I'd been studying them, Applejack and Twilight had continued their conversation.
"Maybe he's the royal locksmith?" Twilight had suggested. I grinned, not only at the thought of the Princesses needing a locksmith, but at the idea of using that as an explanation if I ever got caught.
"Ya think he'd'a mentioned somethin' like that," Applejack said. "But every time the subject of what he does back in Canterlot comes up, he goes an' changes the subject." She sighed. "Ah dunno, Twi. Ah want ta trust him, but Ah really think he ain't a honest pony. T'other day, he spent th' afternoon tellin' me all about how con ponies operate. That ain't somethin' a right Celestia-fearin' honest pony oughtta know nothin' about."
"Well," Twilight said, then stopped. Applejack had her there. Worse yet, she had me . Pegged. Nailed to the wall. Pinched. Caught out by a pony so honest she was renowned for it throughout Equestria.
"Ah mean, he's family," Applejack continued, "but he ain't Apple family. Heck, he's barely related ta me at all. What's ta stop him from takin' advantage o' me an' mine? Ah don't think Ah want him stayin' at Sweet Apple Acres no longer than Ah gotta."
"Well," Twilight said again, more hesitant than before. "I mean, the Princesses sent him down here. Maybe they wanted you to keep an eye on him?"
"Ah figger if'n they want somepony ta keep an eye on that feller, they oughtta put him in jail, 'stead o' stickin' him with honest ponies that actually work fer their bits."
I snorted. So, Applejack didn't want a sneaky pony staying at her farm, did she? Fine by me. I hadn't wanted to come to Ponyville anyway. I wanted to go to Las Pegasus, but nopony had even bothered to ask me. Whose vacation was this anyway?
And so on.
I was so upset as I stormed my way back towards Sweet Apple Acres that I almost failed to notice Meanie trying to get my attention from the door of Sugar Cube Corner, the bakery she lived above and apparently worked in.
For those who've never dealt with the Pink Menace that is Pinkamena Diane Pie, let me be clear: It takes a great deal of concentration to not notice her when she's trying to get your attention. I was pretty well focused on my resentment of Applejack's, let's face it, fairly accurate assessment of what kind of pony was staying under her roof. I believe at one point, Meanie resorted to jumping up and down on my head. I'm almost sure of it.
"Hey, Merry, you're not looking too merry tonight," she said when she finally had my attention.
I snorted. "I'm not feeling too merry," I said.
"Well, that's not like you!"
I rounded on her. "Oh, really? And how would you know what I'm like? We spent, what, all of one day together? Years ago when we were both foals, no less! So, please, I'm dying to know how it is you think you know so much about me!"
To Meanie's credit (and my detriment), she didn't flinch in the slightest at this completely undeserved tirade. She simply waited it out, then grinned. "Oh, boy!" she caroled. "I was hoping I'd get to show you this!"
"Show me... what?" Let me be frank: I don't like being caught flat-hooved. It's not something most ponies can do, considering I'm usually the one catching others off their guard. Meanie, however, had me completely outclassed in the out-of-nowhere surprise department, as she'd proven with her masterfully planned surprise party the other day.
With that question, I found myself whisked away through the bakery, into the kitchen, and down the stairs into the larder. The bakery itself had gone by in a blur -- a blur in which I was sure I noticed an eerily familiar pair of ponies. "I," Meanie said with a flourish, "kept a scrapbook! "
With that, she deposited a pink book in front of me. In crayon across the top of the book, I saw the word "Merry" in a playful balloon-shaped script. Hesitantly, I nosed it open.
It was all there. My entire career as Eye of the Moon, from the moment Deft Hoof started to become a name in the Canterlot underground. "Mysterious Disappearance of Rare Gryphon Artifacts from Canterlot Museum", the headline of one newspaper clipping read. I remembered the heist. The Gryphon ambassador had been threatening an embargo, claiming the artifacts had been imported illegally. The curator of the museum, feeling threatened, had refused to back down on his claim that the artifacts' provenance had all been checked thoroughly. In the end, the insurance company, owned (through a number of dummy corporations) by the Crowns, had paid the museum's claim, and everypony was, if not happy, at least not about to start a war over silly pride.
"Burglary at Darling Darning Textiles Uncovers Smuggling Ring", the next headline read. While the museum heist had been primarily my own mentor's job, this follow-up to that one had been all me. The company had managed to stay afloat despite absolutely abysmal sales of their clothing lines, and independent investigations between myself and the then-Lieutenant Shining Armor had led to enough evidence to suspect the company of being involved in the false provenance behind the Gryphon artifacts, but not enough to merit a warrant. I'd happily gone in to get the evidence needed, with the thought that I could find the evidence, raise a ruckus, and "narrowly escape arrest" just as the arresting officers found the papers in question.
It hadn't occurred to me at the time that a company that dealt in that sort of shady business would have means other than the Guard to deal with security concerns. Oh, well, live and learn. Which, I mused, I very nearly hadn't on that occasion.
But it was all there, down to a seemingly unrelated article about the moon rising a half hour behind schedule one night last month -- a result of my "abducting" Princess Luna (with her consent and cooperation, of course) in order to prove to a certain featherheaded pegasus guard that he wasn't as good as my Best Rival Forever Shining Armor, while the latter was away on his honeymooon.
"What..." I said after a moment. "How...?"
"Well, duh! " Meanie said, giving me a light rap on the noggin. "I knew all the way back then that only the super-sneakiest of sneaky ponies could have pulled off that museum heist, and I saw that the and I remembered the way you'd gotten that pie out of the kitchen back on the old rock farm, and all of these clippings had to do with bad ponies getting caught because of a super-sneaky pony, and I put two and two and two together, and it all added up to Merry!"
I blinked. For a moment, I was certain I had seen... no. Not possible. "Um. What."
"So I figured you were a super secret special secret super agent for the Princess, and that made me so super happy because I didn't want to say anything but after the family reunion where you got your cutie mark I was super worried because I thought your special talent would get you in trouble and the only other option was for you not to use your special talent and that would make me super sad and--"
After six attempts to stop the runaway freight-train that is Meanie on a roll, I resorted to shoving a hoof in her mouth to shut her up. Yes, it's rude, but she just took it in stride. "Meanie," I said. "Are you saying you figured all of this out from newspaper clippings?! "
She grinned and nodded. "And I'm just so happy I could explode because my bestest favoritest fifth cousin is a super special famous pony who gets to help other ponies and be a super sneaky spy and a super sneaky cat burglar all at the same--" She stopped. "Oooh, scrunchy nose!" She looked around suspiciously.
"What--"
"Shhh!" She eased over to the bottom of the stairs with an easy silent grace that even I was jealous of.
"What's going on?" I whispered in a low hiss.
"A scrunchy nose means some sneaky pony is eavesdropping," she said.
"Oh!" I grinned. "So that's how you knew I was listening in on your meeting the other night!"
"Yupper-duppers!" She grinned back at me. "I knew you wouldn't be able to help yourself if you saw ponies sneaking around Sweet Apple Acres in the middle of the night, and I figured that was way better than a written invitation anyway!" She peered back up the stairs. "Huh," she said. "I could have sworn I saw Lyra and Bon Bon up there."
I frowned. Those names conjured up the image in my mind of the pair of ponies that had been following me around all evening. I whispered as much to Meanie.
"No," she said adamantly. "Lyra and Bon Bon have been hanging out here at Sugar Cube Corner like all day !"
I frowned. "Well," I said, "let's go upstairs and take a look."
At the top of the stairs, I indicated the couple in question, who were sipping from a root beer float with two straws in it. The scene would have been endearing, except for the lack of enjoyment, or indeed any expression, on their faces. As it was, it was bordering on creepy. I shivered.
"That's Lyra and Bon Bon all right," Meanie said. "They've been getting refills on that float all afternoon! They better be careful, or they're gonna get a tummyache." She frowned. "Actually, maybe that's why their faces are all--" and she imitated the flat glare I'd gotten from the couple on multiple occasions that evening.
"That can't be," I said. "Earlier tonight, I saw them outside Twilight Sparkle's library, and before that, they were in the crowd of mares hanging around Big Macintosh right over--" I trailed off and stared out the window where I was pointing. Sure enough, there was Big Macintosh, starting to pack up his apple cart. And right there where I had first noticed them were Lyra and Bon Bon.
I looked over at the couple, still seated and sipping their ice cream float. Lyra and Bon Bon. I knew, without even bothering to head outside, that if I looked over by the treehouse library, I would see the same couple.
"Oooh," said Meany. "Pinchy knee." She looked over at me. "Merry, whatever you're about to say, please don't say it. I don't want anything scary to happen."
A Busman's Holiday In which Deft Hoof builds on his already established reputation for recklessness
Meanie looked at me with trepidation, waiting for me to tell her that, no, it was all a silly prank, and that there weren't a bunch of doppelgangers hanging around Ponyville. Much as I wanted to oblige her, the situation was too serious.
"Meanie," I said, "I think there are changelings in Ponyville."
The pink party pony winced at that declaration. "That's what I thought you were gonna say," she said. "What's the plan?"
I goggled at her. "Plan?" I frowned. "I hadn't gotten as far as a plan, yet. Besides, I can't put anypony else at risk while I deal with this."
Meanie bopped me on the head, hard. While I tried to clear my field of vision of stars and tweeting birds, she got right up in my muzzle. "No way, Merry," she snapped. "No fifth cousin of mine is going one-on-who-knows-how-many with a bunch of no good bug ponies if I have anything to say about it! Besides, my friends and I fought off an entire swarm of those things during the Royal Wedding last month!"
I shook my head again. Some of those little orbiting stars were awfully persistent. "But Meanie," I said.
Meanie brushed aside both my concerns and a constellation of stars from around my head with a wave of her hoof. "No buts!"
"I--"
"No!"
"Bu--"
"Buts!"
I hung my head. I was defeated. There was no way I was going to out-stubborn Pinkamena Diane Pie and we both knew it. "All right," I said. "Well, there's a pair of them here in Sugarcube Corner, another pair outside the library, and another pair over by Big Macintosh's stall, at least." I frowned. "It can't be a coincidence that there are six of them, but it seems like they're following Apple family members instead of each of the Element Bearers."
Meanie nodded.
"Of course, those are just the ones we know about. Who knows how many more are in town?"
At this, her right hoof shot into the air and started waving around. "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!"
I rolled my eyes. "What, Meanie?"
"We could just ask 'em!"
I frowned. "You want to trot up to a pair of changelings right in the middle of Sugarcube Corner and just ask how many changelings are in town?"
She nodded, and I felt a grin forming.
"Sure," I said. "Why not? At the very least, it should buy you some time to go warn your friends!" And thus began the most reckless plan of a career already noted for its recklessness.
* * * * *
"Ah'll be just a minute, hon," Salad tells her friend with a smile. "Why'nt ya go on upstairs while Ah lock up?"
Freeze Pop returns the smile and leans against a counter. "Take your time, Sally," the off-duty guardspony says. "I've got at least an hour before shift change."
Sally nods, turning towards the front door to lock up, when an explosion of activity stops her in her tracks. The door flies open, and there, trembling and looking around the room in ill-concealed panic is the little foal who'd been "stealing" sandwiches from her display case for the past few months. Having been a waitress for her parents shop for most of her life, Sally has trained her memory well, but it still takes her a moment to remember the foal's name, if only because they had never been formally introduced.
"Oh, ah... Short Shanks, was it? Can I help you?" she asks, her trained formal Canterlot tones taking over from her more relaxed drawl.
"Th-this..." Short Shanks freezes. He knows what he needs to do; he needs to get to the Princess as fast as possible. But for just a moment, he can't remember what comes next. All he can remember is those horrible multifaceted eyes glaring at him from Bright Eyes' face. Something about getting arrested? Right, that's it, raise a fuss. "This is a robbery!"
Freeze Pop arches an eyebrow at Sally, then trots over. "Kiddo, you might want to reconsider--"
Sally gasps, realizing what's going on. "It's okay, Freeze," she says. "Short Shanks, do me a favor."
"Wh-what?"
"Go ahead and flip that sign behind you over from ‘Open’ to ‘Closed’, and we’ll get you sorted out, won't we, Freeze Pop?"
Freeze Pop, with a brisk nod, has already begun closing the blinds around the shop, so that passing ponies in the street won't see what's coming. "Sally, why don't you make the colt a sandwich while I get ready?" she asks.
Salad nods. "You go ahead and rest a moment, Short Shanks, and tell us what has you so upset."
"Aren't you s'posed to call a beak, miss?" Short Shanks frowns. This isn't going at all the way he'd pictured.
In response, Freeze Pop grins and lifts her helmet from the neat pile of armor in one corner of the shop, slipping it on her head. In outright defiance of the laws of physics, it somehow manages to fit neatly over her ridiculously poofy mane. "Consider it already taken care of," she says, putting on her best “on duty” look, her eyes set in a firm frontward stare. "Sally, how's that sandwich coming?"
"In a second," the unicorn mare calls from the kitchen. "After all, you can’t rush perfection!"
"Hang about," Short Shanks says, beginning to realize what he'd missed as his gaze falls upon the pegasus once more, "Yer that duster Deft Hoof nicked a feather from t'other night!"
Freeze Pop chuckles, her expression softening back into an easy-going smile. "And you would be his newly-appointed apprentice." She glances over her shoulder towards the kitchen. "Why didn't you tell me you were tagged as a contact for the Eyes of the Moon, Sal? No, wait, let me guess..."
"I was sworn to secrecy," Sally says as she sets a platter down in front of the slowly calming foal. "I assume you realized as much." She turns her attention back to the street foal. "All right, now, Short Shanks. You just take a moment to get yourself fed and tell us what's wrong."
Short Shanks, not even noticing the food before him, stares at Sally for a moment before speaking. "Changelings," he says.
The declaration receives a pair of startled gasps in response. The two mares exchange a worried glance.
"Better make that sandwich to go, Sally," Freeze Pop says. "Short Shanks here has an audience with Princess Luna immediately."
Sally just nods.
* * * * *
The plan was as follows: I would engage the two doppelgangers in conversation, while Meanie hustled Apple Bloom and her two friends out of the shop and escorted them to Rarity's boutique. If things did not proceed exactly according to plan, they at least went almost exactly according to my expectations.
Which is to say that I was very much able to keep the ersatz ponies' attention on me while Meanie and the three fillies slipped out the back. Out in the square, the other pair of "ponies" had their attentions focused on me as well -- apparently, I was equa non grata (one doesn't spend the bulk of their life around the Princesses without getting at least a semblance of a classical education) and they were very put out by my presence in Ponyville. I tend to have that effect on ponies.
"Good evening, ladies," I greeted the pair inside the store. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Orange Meringue Pie, and I come to you with a once-in-a-lifetime offer that absolutely must be heard to be believed!"
The "unicorn" opened her mouth to rebut, but I was getting into character and the key to fast-talking somepony is, well, to talk fast. The idea is to keep them off-balance so that they don't have a chance to realize what's happening until after it's over. It's a lousy con, because once you shut up a moment (or leave, which also has the effect of giving them time to mull things over) your mark will generally put together what just happened and they will be very upset.
"That's right, ladies, because tonight and tonight only I am offering you the unparalleled opportunity to turn State's Evidence, that's right, I said State's Evidence, with all the benefits, privileges, and rights pertaining thereunto, to wit: Immunity from prosecution, political asylum (if applicable), and the ability to move around unhindered by shackles, chains, or large, burly guardsponies.
"Now," I said, cutting off the "earth pony", "you may be saying to yourself that such a bounteous opportunity must be too good to be true! Who, you may be asking yourself, is this strange pony who comes up to me making promises that require the full force of the Crowns behind them? Well, that's not important right now!"
"I-it's not?" stammered the changeling disguised as a green unicorn. A little pony in my head did a victory dance: I had my mark.
"Of course it's not!" I replied. "What you should be asking yourself is 'What can I do to take advantage of this spectacular offer?' Well, I tell you, it is the most, I say the most incredibly simple thing! All you have to do is answer one little bitty question: How many changelings are in Ponyville right now?"
Now, if I was lucky, one of them would have answered without thinking, simply because she was too busy trying to sort out what was being said. Sadly, the one masquerading as an earth pony was quicker on the uptake than I'd given the two of them credit for, because she quickly kicked the other one under the table just as she was opening her mouth. The pair grinned up at me, trying to look innocent while at the same time quite clearly contemplating doing extremely impolite things to me. Repeatedly. With dull, rusty equipment if possible.
"Going once," I said, acting as though I really expected them to change their minds while racking my brains (such as they are) for a plan of attack, which was definitely going to be next.
"Going twice," I added, noting the additional pair of pseudo-ponies now blocking the exit.
"Gone," said a voice behind me, giving me just enough warning to duck instead of being clobbered, as my would-be assailant intended. I lashed out with a rear hoof, feeling the dull crunch of chitin absorbing the impact, and quickly rolled to one side before my attacker could follow through.
When I came up on my hooves again, the four "mares" had dropped their glamour, and, including the one who'd tried to jump me from behind, I found myself face-to-face with five changelings who looked extremely pleased at this turn of events. Well, I'd show them! Somehow.
* * * * *
Shining Armor paces back and forth, mulling over the information he's been given. "I don't know, Princess," he says after a moment. "It's not that I don't trust your newest Eye of the Moon, but..."
Princess Luna arches an eyebrow at him quizically. "But?"
"It's not enough information to act on." He frowns. "Not officially."
"There is no denying the threat, Captain," Luna says forcefully.
"There's definitely something ," he acknowledges, "but I'd be a lot happier with more information before I acted."
"We cannot wait," Luna insists.
"No," Shining Armor agrees. "I hate to suggest it, but..." He sighs. "This is definitely a situation that calls for less official channels, if you take my meaning, Your Highness."
Luna grimaces. "We cannot simply recall him," she says. "He needs this respite."
"Nevertheless," a third voice puts in from the chamber entrance, "something must be done, and, personally, I agree with Shining Armor." Luna and Shining Armor turn to face Princess Celestia, who takes her place beside the nocturnal diarch. "First, the Royal Guard making a raid on a group of otherwise harmless young ponies whose only apparent crime is being orphaned and homeless would be an absolute public relations nightmare--"
"But if they're changelings--" interjects the younger princess.
"Would you care to make the announcement that changelings have made their way back into Canterlot so soon after the incident at Princess Cadance and Shining Armor's wedding?"
Luna hangs her head. "No," she says, "but..."
"Secondly," Princess Celestia continues, "these... 'Lost Foals', once they are rescued, may react with distrust and fear to a group of Royal Guards. It was, among other things, for the protection of ponies like them that the Eyes of the Moon were created."
Luna hangs her head. "Thou usest mine own words against me, sister," she says, her dialect slipping into archaic patterns, betraying her emotions to those who know her. "Very well. As thou sayest, what choice have we? I shall pen the missive immediately."
Shining Armor, relieved, smiles. "And I'll get ready."
Princess Luna frowns, bemused. "For what?"
"This may be Defty's party," Shining Armor says with an anticipatory grin, "but that doesn't mean I can't attend. I wouldn't miss it for the world."
Princess Celestia frowns and stands in front of her Captain of the Guard. "Shining Armor, are you sure you aren't simply looking for revenge after what happened? We don't know that Queen Chrysalis is involved."
Shining Armor frowns. "I... won't deny that's part of it," he confesses. "But more than that, this is why the Royal Guard exists. Not just to protect the Crowns, but to protect the citizens of Canterlot. Even those who'd rather we kept our muzzles out of their business. Even those who fear us. Guards protect ponies, or what are guards for?"
Celestia smiles. "Very well, Shining Armor. I won't keep you from your preparations."
* * * * *
The changelings closest to me fell back slightly, while the two at the door joined them, making a short arc of pony-shaped bugs blocking my path to the door. As I glanced around the lobby of Sugar Cube Corner, they began their slow advance on me, trusting in numbers and intimidation to keep me from acting. On most ponies, it would probably work. It certainly wouldn't work on a brave pony like Shining Armor, or on the heroines of Ponyville. On a pony like myself?
I won't deny I was a little intimidated. They were each a little larger than me. There were five of them. Their teeth did not exactly scream "you can trust me, I'm an herbivore just like you!" The way they kept licking those sharp teeth did not help in the slightest. But fear or no, the Eye of the Moon can't simply fly into a panic like a normal pony.
No, when the Eye of the Moon flies into a panic, you'd better believe it's at least a productive one. In any case, I hadn't nearly reached that point. Instead, I was just scared enough to take their threat seriously. As they advanced, I looked for weaknesses in their formation. They moved as a unit, which made rushing them a questionable proposition at best.
Naturally, that made it my go-to solution, and, with a snort, I charged right up the middle. The five of them reared back on their hind legs, ready to pummel me with their forehooves, and I immediately tucked and rolled to the right, my hooves getting entangled with two of them. With a manic whoop, I swung my hooves to the left, causing the two changelings I'd tripped up to fall into their compatriots. With a final buck to disengage from the tangle of hissing monsterponies, I scrambled to my feet and made my way to the door and out into the streets of Ponyville.
The sun had finally set while I'd been trying to fast-talk the changelings earlier, and I marveled at just how empty Ponyville can get. During the day, while it isn't as crowded as Canterlot, it is very much a bustling little community. At night, Ponyville just rolls up its streets, which, as far as I was concerned, was a good thing: fewer ponies means fewer witnesses means less panic in the streets.
One of the changelings had managed to get free of the tangle I'd created, and was hot on my hooves in a matter of seconds. Grimacing at the bad luck, I lowered my head and sprinted as hard as I could for a nearby house. The changeling hissed and matched, and then exceeded, my pace easily. With a malicious grin, I took advantage of our size difference, and instead of leaping the fence that had caught my eye, dove between the horizontal slats. The changeling was so focused on catching me that it tried to follow suit, but my smaller size made it much more feasible for me than it.
While I tucked and rolled to a stop on the other side of the fence, it had gotten itself well and truly stuck, making it an easy target for a solid buck to the face. One down, four to go, I thought to myself. And here they come!
I scrambled over the fence and began my headlong flight through Ponyville, still working on a plan for dealing with the bug monsters while they worked on their own plan for dealing with me. I had a distinct feeling theirs would involve sharp teeth and insect-pony digestive systems. What I needed was something like an obstacle course, where my size and agility could counter their advantages in both strength and numbers. What I needed, I decided, was Sweet Apple Acres. It was going to be a hell of a run.
But ponies are built for running. Among the sapient races in and around the kingdom of Equestria, few, if any, can match ponies for stamina. In fact, I was rather counting on that difference to help stagger out my pursuit, making them easier to deal with, and, to my absolute delight, by the time I reached the edge of town, it was working like a charm.
Somewhere along the way, however, we'd picked up an additional changeling, and this one was... Well, I knew for a fact now that Big Macintosh was among those intended to be replaced. Boy, was this ever a large changeling that had managed to join the race. Not Queen Chrysalis large, but definitely larger than the others. I made a mental note to save it for last, because the thought of going up against it while it had backup was just staggeringly idiotic, even for me.
The first pair caught up to me just as I reached the barn where we'd had my "Welcome to Ponyville" party... had that been just the other day? Couldn't be. Too much had happened since then.
In any event, I scrambled up towards the hay loft with the changelings in hot pursuit. "Oh please," I muttered as I began tossing aside clumps of hay, "please please please still be here." Fortunately, I found what I was looking for just as the first changeling reached me, and there is simply no describing the look of shock on its buggy little face when it got a face full of Meanie's "partillery" at point blank range. The second changeling hesitated slightly, and I leapfrogged over it, giving it a solid thump in the back of the noggin, as I made my way to where I remembered the other party cannon to be concealed.
The blast of confetti and streamers missed, sadly, but it put the changeling off-balance long enough for me to give it a good solid hoof to the face and knock it from the hay loft to the hard-packed dirt floor of the barn. I had just enough time to grin at my victory before the next pair of creatures burst into the barn. The big one had to be close behind. With a war-whoop I'd learned from a buffalo who I'm still not convinced wasn't teaching me how to say unseemly things about my parents without realizing it, I leapt from the hay loft. One of the changelings was kind enough to break my fall. I thanked it with a kick to the side of the head, and tucked and rolled under the other just in time to avoid a searing green blast of magic flame. Three down, I thought as I scrambled to avoid blast after blast from the changeling's jagged horn, two to go.
I spared a split-second to glance around the barn looking for something I could use to my advantage, and nearly got my cutie mark burned off by the changeling for my troubles, but a glint of metal in the corner gave me a wonderfully terrible idea. I bolted for that corner as fast as my little hooves would carry me, juking from side to side to try to throw off any more magical assaults. In moments, I was atop Big Macintosh's anvil and making faces at my increasingly irate opponent.
It snarled at me, its horn enveloped in a sickly green glow that intensified by the moment. As it lowered its horn at me, I dropped to the floor in front of the anvil, the changeling's blast blowing a hole in the barn wall where I had been moments earlier. I winked at the changeling, then leapt through the hole.
The changeling, infuriated, followed, the sound of its hooves clattering right up to the hole after me. I popped up in the hole in front of it, causing it to draw up short with its front hooves atop the anvil. I gleefully kicked them out from under it, and its head struck metal hard enough to daze it, setting it up for a buck to the face that took it out of the fight.
"Okay," I muttered. "Now, where's the big--" At that moment, the big changeling chose to make itself known by hitting me with a right cross that sent me flying and filled my field of vision with stars. I staggered to my hooves to face my smirking opponent, stretching my jaw to make sure it hadn't been popped out of joint.
It advanced on me, its predatory grin widening.
"Oh," I said. "You want to play rough, do you?" I reared back, pounding my hooves on the ground as hard as I could. "DO YOU?!"
It just continued advancing at that slow, steady pace. It had me outmuscled, and it knew it. It wasn't using its wings or its magic, just its sheer size. I narrowed my eyes at it. "All right, you big, ugly bug," I yelled, "let's do this! "
With that, I did the least sane thing I could think of. I charged straight at it. It stopped in its tracks, blinking in surprise, then grinned and lowered its horn to point right at me and charged.
Time seemed to slow down. The world around me became muted until I could barely hear the pounding of my own hooves in the dirt. All I could see was that horn, bearing down on me. This was it. If I misjudged this by even the tiniest fraction of a second, I was skewered. As the distance between us closed, I thought about the things I had done in my life. For a pony who lives like he has no regrets, I was shocked to find I had quite a few. Not the least of which was how I had simply run off on my family as a foal to try my luck on the streets of Canterlot.
Nothing I could ever do would make up for the way I had hurt my parents and my sister that day, I knew that.
But that didn't mean I couldn't try.
I jumped too late, by just a fraction of a fraction of a second. The big changeling's horn scored the inside of my off hind thigh, and I let out a neigh of pain and frustration. I let my momentum carry me, injury and all, away from the changeling, trying my hardest to run despite the pain. Time resumed its normal flow, and I heard the changeling's hiss of frustration as it changed course and bore down on me.
I couldn't outrun it this time, not with that gash in my leg. I had to use what distance I had to best advantage, or I would be as dead as those trees... up... ahead...
A light bulb flashed on in my head. That was it, of course. Pony magic could insulate against electromagical shock, or I'd have been in much worse shape after my run-in with those very same trees. My grin returned and I found the strength to push through my pain and put on another burst of speed.
Though I didn't dare look behind, I could hear the pounding of the big changeling's hooves behind me, closing in. It wouldn't be long now before he caught up enough to bring me down, and if that monster brought me down, it was over.
I cleared the edge of the Zap Apple orchard, and made for the nearest tree, weaving past it so close I could feel its bark brushing against my fur. Come on , I thought. Come on, you big dumb lug, come on! Nothing. I dared a glance back, and saw the changeling following much closer behind than I'd suspected.
I'd have to try something trickier, it seemed. I continued running through the orchard, brushing so close to the trees that each little brush sent a slight tingle of electricity through my hide. Still, the changeling managed to keep up.
Up ahead, I saw the largest, oldest tree in the orchard. Its gnarled branches pierced the sky, and its trunk was big enough that three ponies couldn't get their forelegs around it. It was even more of a monster than the thing chasing me. And, gloriously, in front of it was a lone cloud.
I couldn't reach the cloud without kicking off of the tree, I realized. Hopefully I could do so without electrocuting myself. Not being grounded might help. With a yell, I leapt, twisted in midair, planted my hooves against the trunk and pushed off.
I felt the tree shudder under the impact. Peripherally, I saw the vibration from my kick-off make its way through the trunk out to the tips of the branches, and then back towards where I'd kicked off. Was that what had happened the first time? Was I far enough away? Was the cloud? I landed on the cloud, which began shouting at me in pain and exasperation. Clouds didn't normally do that, did they? No time to wonder, I decided. I turned my attention to the changeling that had been following behind me. It gaped up at where I was standing, its hooves carrying it forward at full tilt towards the tree.
It collided just as the vibrations of my impact finished their return trip to their point of origin, discharging directly into the massive changeling. As it reeled from that blow, a second set of vibrations, from its own impact with the tree, followed suit.
The changeling stood there, blinking stupidly, a relaxed smile on its bizarre insect-pony-hybrid face, then fell to the ground in stages: forelegs, hindquarters, head. Its eyes closed, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
That is, until Rainbow Dash tore into me for tackling her and interrupting her nap.
* * * * *
"Well," said Twilight Sparkle, rolling the scroll up. "I'm not sure if this explains everything or just raises more questions."
"What's it say, Twi?" Applejack asked.
Twilight frowned, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. "I'm not sure if I'm allowed to tell you," she replied after a moment. "I shouldn't have read it myself, as soon as I saw it was addressed to somepony else."
Applejack's frown mirrored her bookish friend's. "Ah don't get it," she said. "Why would Princess Celestia send a letter ta somepony else through Spike?"
"That's just it," Twilight replied. "It's not from Princess Celestia. It's from Princess Luna. And it was addressed to your cousin, Orange Meringue."
Rainbow Dash cocked her head at me, then jabbed a hoof at the door. The message was clear: What are you waiting for, a better cue? Get in there! I nodded and pushed the door open.
"Twilight," I said, still out of breath from my chase across town. "I need to send a letter to Princess Luna. There are changelings in Ponyville."
Then, I stopped, blinking in shock, as I realized that she had said nearly the same thing at exactly the same time: "You just got a letter from Princess Luna. There are changelings in Canterlot."
Everypony in the room stood stock still for a few heartbeats while the import of those two statements sunk in.
To Arms! Or Hooves! (Whatever)
To Arms! Or Hooves! (Whatever)
A Busman's Holiday In which Deft Hoof doesn't look a gift pony (or six) in the mouth.
If someone had distilled Discord's power, pressurized it, and hit it with a Sonic Rainboom, there might have been as much chaos as those two statements had caused. Maybe. But I wouldn't bet on it.
All of us were busy shouting over each other, trying to make heads or tails of what was being said while at the same time trying to be heard. It was pandemonium, and we were building towards a full-on panic.
"What?!" I shouted. "But I thought your brother and sister-in-law took care of all the changelings in Canterlot!"
Applejack started galloping towards the door. "Ah gotta check on Apple Bloom!"
"Oh, she's fine!" Meanie piped up from the door. "I left her and her friends at Rarity's boutique! Hi, Merry!"
Behind Meanie, I saw Rarity and Fluttershy looking nervously around the library from the entrance. "Oh, dear," the yellow pegasus said softly. "I'm sorry, but did you say changelings?"
I nodded. "At least seven," I said. "There were two in Sugarcube Corner, two following Big Macintosh around, and two more outside the library earlier tonight. I have no idea where the seventh one came from, but it was bigger than the others, so I don't think it was one of those six."
Rainbow Dash scoffed. "Are you saying that seven little changelings did all that to you?" I remembered the stories I'd heard after the fact about the Ponyville Six facing off against an entire army of the unnatural things.
I shook my head. "No," I said, "it was mostly the big one."
"How big?" I could see Rainbow Dash appraising me.
"Heck," I said, "you saw it. The one that chased me into the Zap Apple orchard."
She snorted. "That lug? I could have taken him with both wings tied behind my back."
"It doesn't matter," I said. "There's no such thing as a few changelings. They always travel in swarms. Always."
"Not always," said Twilight Sparkle. "Queen Chrysalis came to Canterlot by herself. The swarm didn't show up until the day of the wedding."
"Speaking of which," I said, "I still don't know how there could possibly be changelings in Canterlot. You said you have a letter for me?"
Twilight levitated a scroll over. Silver calligraphy glinted at me from midnight blue paper. Princess Luna's official letterhead. I frowned and began reading aloud.
My Good Friend Orange Meringue Pie,
I know that Celestia and I insisted on you taking a vacation from the intrigue and adventure of your life on the streets of Canterlot, but We have dire need of your services. Your apprentice, Short Shanks, has come to Our Court in a state of severe upset, claiming that a hive of changelings have taken up residence in the building he refers to as "Lost Town."
It was a simple enough matter to put him to sleep - he has not been sleeping well since he first noticed peculiarities about his Family, the poor dear - and to use Dream Magic to verify his claims by a close examination of his memories. Though there is evidence of tampering, the untarnished memories buried beneath that evidence indicate that the situation is not only exactly as he claims, but that things may be more dire than he suspects.
Short Shanks has been shaping the Lost Colts into an information network specifically to suit your needs, and the information that the changelings have thus gotten their pocked hooves on could prove disastrous. It was for this reason, as well as to avoid interrupting your vacation, that I wanted to dispatch the Royal Guard immediately. Celestia and Shining Armor made a good case for recalling you to Canterlot, however, especially considering the reaction the Lost Colts might have to a squadron of Royal Guards entering their... "turf".
As such, the Royal Carriage has been dispatched, along with a pair of pegasus guards under the command of Shining Armor, to retrieve you and bring you back to Canterlot immediately.
Your Princess of the Night,
"What in the hay was that all about?" Applejack pushed her Stetson back with a hoof to scratch at her mane. "She made it sound like y'all're the best o' chums! And why in tarnation would anypony not want a bunch o' royal guards ta come ridin' to the rescue, especially if'n there's changelings involved?"
"Well," I said, "it's like..." I frowned. A lifetime of secrecy is a hard habit to break.
"Ooh! Ooh! I know, I know! Pick me! Pick me!" Meanie jumped up and down behind me, waving her hooves excitedly. My face and forehoof got reacquainted and spent some time commiserating. In all the excitement, I'd forgotten that Meanie had figured out my secret.
"All right, Sugarcube," Applejack said. "Ah'll bite. What's goin' on here?"
"Merry is a super-secret spy working for Princess Luna! He gets to sneak around Canterlot being all super-secret-y and sneaky, and uses his super sneaky sneaking skills to find out who's doing bad stuff and who's doing really bad stuff."
Rainbow Dash laughed. "This little guy?" she said, jerking a wing at me. "A spy?" Then she laughed harder . I felt a headache coming on.
"Oh, I haven't even told you the best part!"
My other forehoof joined the first in massaging the bridge of my muzzle. This was shaping up to be an exceptionally awkward night, changelings notwithstanding. On the other hoof, if I were desperate to keep my secret and I had to spill the beans anyway, this was exactly how I would go about doing it. Nopony could possibly believe the excited babbling of Meanie. I mean, come on.
"What's the best part?"
"The best part is that his cover is that he's really Deft Hoof! "
Applejack's look was about as blank as they come. Rainbow Dash looked like she was on the verge of comprehension - the name 'Deft Hoof' meant something to her, but she couldn't quite place it, I guessed. Rarity gasped. Celestia only knew where Fluttershy was. The moment she'd heard Changelings were involved, she'd practically vanished. And Twilight Sparkle...
Twilight Sparkle nodded, as though suddenly things were making a lot more sense to her. "The Eyes of the Moon," she said softly.
I stared at her. "Where did you hear that from? Shiny?"
She blinked, shaking her head. "Shin... oh, you mean Shining Armor?" She smiled. "No, it's a phrase from a book about Canterlot politics. I never could figure out what it meant, just that Footnote considered them to be one of the hidden powers in Canterlot. Spies for Princess Luna, though..." She frowned. "Except Princess Luna wasn't around during any of the time periods Footnote made a study of. She was still..."
"Still Nightmare Moon," I said, "banished to the moon by Celestia. While she was..." I fumbled for an adequate term. "While she was away, we reported to Celestia in her place. But she always made sure I knew in whose name I was operating, and it wasn't hers."
"And Shining Armor knew about you?"
I grinned. "You kidding? My Best Rival Forever Shining Armor? Heck, he said he was gonna write you a letter asking about part of it."
"He never mentioned anything like... Wait." She started shuffling books around. The library, I realized, was a bit of a mess. It reminded me of when Princess Celestia was preparing for a diplomatic meeting, the way she would surround herself with books and scrolls on every possible aspect of the visiting dignitaries lands and ponies. "Ah. Here it is." She floated out another letter, this one folded normally and quite clearly having been delivered by ordinary post. "The oath."
I nodded. "That oath," I said, "is one of the things protecting the Eyes of the Moon from discovery. And," I said, "I really hate to say this, but before we do anything else, I need to swear you all in."
"Who cares about that?" Rainbow Dash said, exasperated. "Changelings! In Ponyville!"
After a moment's thought, I relented. "I guess the oath can wait," I said. "But honestly, I don't know where to begin with our little bugpony problem here."
Twilight Sparkle smiled. "That's all right, Orange Meringue," she said. "I do."
* * * * *
Step one, it turned out, was to wait for the arrival of Shiny and his pegasus guard escort. I had no problems with this part of the plan. More ponies, trained ponies, meant a better chance of success.
Step two was to go over what Meanie and I knew about the changelings with a fine-toothed comb. These two steps, as it happened, took place at the same time, so that by the time Shiny and company had arrived, I had gone over my description of the two mares the changelings had impersonated no fewer than four times, answering questions like "what was the distribution of the candy pieces on the earth pony's cutie mark in relation to each other" and "exactly what shade of green was the unicorn's hide" and so on. I hadn't strained my memory this hard since my own apprenticeship, playing memory games with gemstones for my mentor.
I have an excellent memory. It's a good thing for a thief and a requirement for the Eyes of the Moon. What I lacked was a proper vocabulary to answer the questions. So all in all, it was a welcome relief when Shining Armor came trotting into the library, flanked by two pegasus guards.
"What is this, trivia night?" He grinned slightly as he made the comment, but his heart wasn't in it. He was clearly very worried about the situation in Canterlot. "C'mon, Defty, we've got to get back to Canterlot at full gallop."
"No can do, B.R.F.," I said. "We've got a situation here, too."
Shiny rolled his eyes at me. "A situation? You were sent to Ponyville specifically to keep you out of situations."
"'Defty'?" said Applejack. "Then... it's true? Mah cousin's a gol-durned thief?"
I stomped a forehoof. "Hey!" I said. "I am not a gol-durned thief. I am the gol-durned thief."
"Merry's the bestest there is!" piped up Meanie.
Shiny blinked. "I can't believe you," he said. "Did you do this just to undermine me?"
I frowned. "I don't know what you..." Then it hit me. "Oh. Oh! You mean that silly threat you made about telling Applejack what I do? You were serious?"
Shiny gritted his teeth. "Of course I was serious," he said. "I had to keep you out of trouble somehow , and since I couldn't keep an eye on you myself..."
"Boys," said Twilight. "This has all been extremely educational, and I'm sure 'Shiny' would just love to tell his little sister all about the reason he's been keeping secrets from her -- again -- but we have a bit of a crisis to deal with here."
Shiny trailed off and looked sheepish. I made a mental note to talk to Twilight about how she achieved that. Shining Armor, in my experience, never looked sheepish. And yet here he was, looking like he'd gotten caught in the Princess's bridle collection. "Yes, Twiley," he said.
"Rainbow Dash, bring my brother up to speed. Everypony else, if there's anything you think you'll need, now's the time to go home and get it."
Applejack, Meanie, and their friends all snapped off salutes and headed out the door. Rainbow Dash looked at Shiny, sighed, and said in the most bored voice imaginable, "Your little buddy here found a group of changelings here in Ponyville. We've gotta round 'em up before we can head to Canterlot."
Shiny frowned. "How many?"
"Seven," I said.
"Defty, there's no such thing as seven changelings. There are always more."
I nodded.
"That's why we've got to take care of the ones in Ponyville before we head to Canterlot," Twilight explained patiently. "We don't know how many there really are ."
"You keep saying that word," I said.
"What word?"
"'We'. What makes you think you're coming with us to Canterlot?"
"Please," scoffed Rainbow Dash. "There's flank to kick, and you really think you're going to leave me behind? Rainbow Dash? The fastest flyer in Equestria ? Think again, short stuff."
"Short stuff?" I glared at the bearer of the Element of Loyalty.
"He's sensitive about his size," Shining Armor explained.
"Will everypony kindly get ahold of yourselves?! "
I realized that Rainbow Dash and I had gotten right up in each other's muzzles, while Shining Armor and Twilight Sparkle glared daggers at each other from across the table. We all turned to the door, where Rarity was the first of the others to return. "Goodness knows we're all quite upset by this news, but, Twilight Sparkle, you, of all ponies, should know that when we work together with Harmony between us, there is nothing that we cannot accomplish."
One of the two pegasi stomped a forehoof in appreciation. "Well said!" I blinked. I knew that voice. I took another look at the two. On the left was a bog-standard featherduster, looking down his nose at me with obvious disdain. On the right was a jovial mare with a build a lot of stallions would envy.
"Well hey," I said. "You're that mare who did such a great job passing on the message from Shiny the day before I left Canterlot!"
She grinned. "And you're the fellow Short Shanks says pinched a pinfeather from me at the same time."
Rainbow Dash stared.
"Well," I said, "I don't like to brag."
"Lies," said Shiny. "You live to brag. It's as vital to you as breathing."
"It wasn't that big a deal. I mean, she was molting at the time anyway." A movement caught my eye, and I looked over at Rainbow Dash, whose eye was twitching slightly. A slight blush was just barely coloring her cheeks. "What?"
"Oh, Orange Merangue," said Twilight Sparkle, "there's a term for removing feathers from a molting pegasus. It's called 'preening', and it's a, um... It's kind of... intimate."
Right about then, my face caught fire. At least, that's what it felt like. Dear, sweet Luna, how intimate were we talking about, here?! Rainbow Dash, true to form, fell over laughing. Again. The only thing that could possibly make the situation worse would be if...
I looked around the room. Sure enough, the others were right behind Rarity in varying states of either amusement or embarrassment. My humiliation was complete.
"Hey," said the female guard pegasus. "In his defense, I didn't feel a thing."
Rainbow Dash laughed harder. "Oh wow, and he's even bad at it !"
"Oh, hey!" I said. "Look, the girls are all back! What's step three of the plan, Twilight Sparkle, upon whom everypony's attention should currently be focused instead of upon a hapless innocent who's just trying to help everypony deal with an unexpected crisis?"
The other guard pegasus glared at me, snorting, and I realized who it was -- the useless thunderhead who'd tried to fill in for Shiny while he was away on his honeymoon. I had no idea what Shiny was thinking, bringing that lump of idiocy along for the ride. Maybe he would make good cannon fodder, I reasoned.
"The plan's simple. Lyra and Bon Bon live in a nice little two-story cottage on the edge of town. That's bound to be where the changelings have set up their hive in Ponyville. Shining Armor, you and the pegasi take Rainbow Dash with you and storm the top floor with the carriage. Try to make as much noise as possible. Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and I will take the ground floor."
"Wait," I said. "What about me and Fluttershy?"
"The real Lyra and Bon Bon have to be in that cottage somewhere. You need to sneak in and find them, and find a way to sneak them out without alerting the changelings. Fluttershy, you go get Nurse Redheart and Doctor Helpinghoof. We don't know that Lyra and Bon Bon are alone in there, there might be other ponies trapped in the hive, and we may need every hoof we can to help them out."
Fluttershy nodded.
I whistled. "That," I said, "is one beauty of a plan. Simple, effective, covers all the bases."
Shiny grinned. "That's my L.S.B.F.F. for you!"
Twilight blushed, then shook her head. "Are we ready?"
"Just about," I said. I narrowed my eyes at the two pegasus guards. "Her, I get," I said, nodding at the mare. "She's capable and adapts to changing situations easily." I jabbed a hoof at the other one. "What in the hay is he doing here?"
"The Princesses thought he could use a reminder," Shining Armor explained.
"A reminder of...?"
"Just what it is you do that's so important to them."
I frowned, then trotted over to the guard in question. "We're not going to have any problems, are we?"
He snorted. "Princess Celestia orders me to work with a low-life," he said in a low growl, "I work with a low-life. Don't mean I gotta like it, but I'll do my job."
I rolled my eyes. "Pal," I said, "if you could do your job, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You just stick to the plan, all right?"
"Don't tell me how to do my job, thief ."
"Hay !" snapped an unexpected voice. "That's mah cousin yer mouthin' off to!"
I stared at Applejack. "Um. Thanks?"
"Shucks," she said. "'Tain't nothin'. Now let's get this here wagon train a-rollin'!" I swear, she ramps up the "country bumpkin" act for strangers. I'm sure of it. Hell, she might be more like me than I'd given her credit for.
* * * * *
The plan went off exactly as, well, planned. The only hitch was just how unexpectedly expected everything was, if that makes sense. Lyra and Bon Bon were tied up in the cellar. The big changeling was just at the bottom of the cellar stairs, either still unconscious from his earlier introduction to the magic of Zap Apple trees, or just resting up from the encounter. There were no other ponies . I got the two drained mares untied and out of there, right under his blissfully unconscious muzzle, took them over to Fluttershy and the two medical ponies, then galloped back to the cottage in the hopes of getting in on the action while the getting was good.
I was too late. There were, as it turned out, a total of exactly seven changelings in that cottage.
"It doesn't add up," I said. "There were seven? There are never seven changelings."
"Piece of cake!" Rainbow Dash said, backstroking through the air with a nonchalant wave of a hoof. "I coulda taken 'em myself."
"How were there only seven?" I frowned, sitting down and thinking as hard as I could. "They don't have a queen with them, so it couldn't have been a new hive. So how could there have been only seven?"
"Oh, how ghastly! "
I dashed over to where Rarity was in the kitchen, ready to come to her rescue. As it happened, all she needed rescuing from was a picture. Of her.
"How dare they take a picture of me from that angle!" The fashionista was incensed. "Don't they know how to pick a pony's good side?"
I looked around the kitchen. Every surface was covered with pictures. Rarity. Meanie. Rainbow Dash. Twilight Sparkle. Fluttershy. Applejack. Big MacIntosh. Every concievable angle was covered, and every one of their activities was documented. "Dear sweet Luna," I said. "That's why only seven."
The others had rushed to Rarity's aid as quickly as I had, and were staring at the walls in dawning horror. It's one thing to know that changelings can take the form of any pony they choose. It's another entirely to realize they've chosen you .
"Idiots," I said. "They're absolute idiots."
"What do you mean?" said a clearly disturbed Twilight Sparkle. "They've documented everything here. Look, they've got a scroll as long as Celestia's mane on my relationship with Princess Cadence! That's what tripped Queen Chrysalis up."
"And if they'd just waited until I got back to Canterlot," I said, "everything would have gone according to plan and you six -- and Big Macintosh -- would have been replaced by changeling doppelgangers, and nopony would have been the wiser."
"So what happened?"
I grinned. "They panicked. Amateur mistake. Rather than wait for the heat to die down, the moment the situation strayed outside what they expected, they tried to force it. They overplayed their hoof when they tried to take me out earlier tonight. All they had to do was wait, but like any amateur, they were no good at it."
Shining Armor gave a long, low whistle. "This could have been a disaster," he said. "Without Twily, Cadance would never have gotten free... Queen Chrysalis would have conquered Equestria. So these seven set out to remove the most dangerous obstacle they could think of: the bearers of the Elements of Harmony."
"I don't think so, Shining Armor," said Twilight. "Like you and Orange Meringue here said earlier, there are never just seven changelings. There's a hive somewhere, and these seven were just taking orders from higher up."
"Yeah," I said, "but from wher..." I felt a cold rock form in the pit of my stomach. Of course.
"We need to get to Canterlot now ," Shining Armor said.
"No," I said. "We need intelligence. And I don't just mean your sister's fantastic brain. If we're right, the main hive won't make a move until they hear back from these seven. We need to take advantage of that delay and get every bit of intel we can out of them."
"Point," said Shining Armor. "Twilight, we need to get word to the Princesses. How fast can you get back to Spike and write a letter?"
Rainbow Dash grinned. "If you need speed," she said, "you're talking to the wrong pony." With that, she snapped off a salute at Shiny, nodded once to me, and zipped off towards the library in a rainbow-colored blur.
* * * * *
The barn, with a magical assist from Shiny and his sister, made a handy holding cell for the changelings. Interrogating the creatures was trickier than I'd expected. I was sure that the changeling who'd been posing as Lyra would let something slip, but it was remarkably tight-lipped.
All seven of the changelings were. Either they were disciplined or terrified. Really, with changelings, who could say? They're not ponies. Intelligent, yes. Self-aware? Definitely. Similar to ponies in many ways, in fact. But they are not ponies, and Shiny, the two pegasus Royal Guards, and I were all coming up blank.
There was a quiet sound beside me. It took me a moment to realize that it was a very quiet, very soft voice trying to get my attention.
"Um... excuse me."
I turned to face the voice and found myself face-to-mane with former fashion model and all-around-nicest-pony-in-Equestria Fluttershy. "Yes, Fluttershy?"
"Um... I'd..." The rest of the sentence was nigh inaudible.
"What was that?"
"I said I'd like..." Again, the sentence devolved into soft, high pitch squeaks.
"Come again?"
"She said she'd like to try," Twilight Sparkle interpreted. "You'll have to excuse Fluttershy. She's... well, she's shy."
I turned to Shiny. "Whaddaya think?"
He shrugged. "She couldn't do any worse than us at this point," he said. He leaned over and muttered in my ear, "Besides, I've heard stories about that mare that'd curl your mane."
I looked over at the quiet, unassuming yellow mare, who was doing her best to hide behind her pink curtain of a mane. "If you say so," I said dubiously. "You're right about one thing - she couldn't possibly do worse than us."
* * * * *
Fluttershy got started trying to put the largest of the changelings at ease -- why she started with that lug, I'll never know. Perhaps she sensed something about it that the rest of us missed. I wouldn't put it past her.
Rainbow Dash had returned with Spike while we had been putting the changelings into the barn in the first place, so this seemed as good a time as any to pen that missive to Luna.
"Is it true?" the little dragon asked. "Are you really a famous thief?"
I nodded. "The word is 'infamous', by the way."
"Infamous... Isn't that the opposite of famous?"
I shook my head. "It sounds like it, but what it means is 'famous, but for a bad reason.' Thieves are infamous. The Ponyville Six are famous. Get it?"
"Got it!"
"Great! Did you bring a scroll and quill?"
"Of course I did!" Spike pulled out the requisite items and stood there with quill poised in claw, ready to...
"Um," I said, "normally I just write these myself."
"But I always take dictation! Ask anypony ."
"Okay, fine," I said. "Dear Princess Luna, I got your instructions, and Shining Armor arrived right on schedule. However, something has come up here in Ponyville that requires our immediate attention. It appears the changelings you wrote me about--"
"Changelings?!"
I sighed. "Yes, Spike," I said. "They're right over there." I pointed at the force-field enclosures the changelings were in. "I'm sure Twilight will be happy to fill you in later. Right now, though..."
"Right," he said, and resumed taking dictation.
"The changelings you wrote me about," I continued, "sent a small group to Ponyville in order to neutralize--"
"Neutralize?"
I spelled the word for him. "It means to prevent them from being able to act," I explained, then continued. "...to neutralize the Ponyville Six -- Twilight Sparkle and her friends. My presence in Ponyville spooked them, so it was just a matter of luck that we were able to flush them out. We're attempting to interrogate them now, and then we'll be headed straight for Canterlot.
"Rest assured that the hive in Canterlot is unlikely to make a move until they've heard from this group, as they've determined that Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the Ponyville Six are a major roadblock in the way of their plans. Tell Shorty he's done a good job, and that I'll be there soon.
"Your friend,
"'Your... friend... Deft... Hoof,'" Spike repeated as he wrote. I had to give the little guy credit. Most ponies can't write as fast as they can talk. Taking dictation in real time takes skill. "Is that it?" I nodded, and he rolled up the scroll, held it up, and let a stream of green fire out of his mouth that consumed the scroll, the smoke whirling up out of the barn and off towards Canterlot.
"That's pretty impressive," I said. "And that'll go straight to the Princess?"
Spike nodded. "It's how Twilight and Princess Celestia stay in touch."
"If y'all think that's impressive," Applejack said as she trotted up to us, "y'all should come take a gander at this!" She nodded towards the other end of the barn, where Fluttershy was...
Fluttershy was gently stroking the brow of the large changeling and cooing softly to him.
"It's okay," she was saying to the creature. "We understand. You're just trying to get by."
I snorted, but Shiny put a hoof over my muzzle stopping me from making any pointed comments.
"Changeling just want to fit in," the creature was saying. "Changeling not help being changeling. Just am."
"Shh shh shhh," Fluttershy soothed. "I know, it can be hard being different."
"Holy crap," I muttered as soon as Shiny put his hoof down. "She's doing it."
"Now we don't want anypony getting hurt," Fluttershy said patiently, "so we really need to know what you were doing in Ponyville."
The changeling thought about it for a moment, which was a strange thing to watch. It didn't look exactly built for thought, if you know what I mean.
"Don't know," it said after a moment. "Got to do with harmonica elephants."
I looked at Shiny. "'Harmonica elephants'?" I mouthed. He shrugged.
Twilight looked like she had an idea, and whispered something into Fluttershy's ear.
"Oh," the pegasus said. "Oh! Oh, my. But what would they want with the Elements of Harmony?"
The question was rhetorical, but the changeling answered anyway. "Don't know," he said. Of course he didn't. "Changeling only pawn in game of life."
My face and hoof collided yet again.
Author's Note
I forget who to blame for the Blazing Saddles gag at the end there. I think it was fellow New Lunar Republic member DarkAura[NLR], but I can't be sure. Anyway, if it weren't for that gag, the interrogation scene would never have happened.
Also, thanks again to Sketchy Sounds for the use of his character, Freeze Pop, and for helping me out at multiple points with this story. We're coming up on the final showdown, pones!
A Busman's Holiday In which Rainbow Dash fails to stick to the plan. Twice. In a row.
Dear Orange Meringue,
While I believe your instructions were quite clear in that you were to avoid Situations at all costs while on your holiday to Ponyville, I can understand the need to take care of this one. It relieves me to know that you have taken your cousins and their friends into your confidence regarding your position and duties, though I must again ask when you will finally extend the same courtesy to your immediate family.
No matter. Celestia and I have your apprentice well in hoof, though you should be aware that he is extremely distraught over the fate of his Family. Please inform us as soon as you are enroute to Canterlot, so that we may reassure him.
Your Sovereign and Friend,
"Well," I said, "I can see that having a dragon around is convenient. Spike, you ready to send my reply?"
The purple dragon nodded briskly, brandishing a quill as though it were a weapon. Come to think of it, when said quill represented the ability to contact the Princesses nearly as fast as he could write, it kind of was one.
"Dear Princess Luna," I recited. "Changelings captured. Little info obtained. We are enroute now. Sincerely, Deft Hoof." I clapped my hooves together. "Okay, everypony who's going to Canterlot better get on the carriage now, we haven't got time to waste."
It took little time for everypony but Spike, Rainbow Dash, and the Pegasus guards to pile into the carriage. I glanced at the cyan athlete. "You coming?"
She scoffed. "Like I'd get caught dead letting someone carry me anywhere in a slow-as-Tartarus carriage ."
The Pegasus guards snorted. "Slow?"
"Argue later," I said. "Changelings. Canterlot. Little foals in need of rescue. Come on, you guys, I live for this kind of thing and you're keeping me from it."
Shiny smirked. "My hero," he said facetiously, then turned to his sister. "Twiley, you sure you're up for this?"
She laughed. "After Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Queen Chrysalis?"
A.J. sidled up to her and bumped her with a flank. "Y'all better ask if them changelings is ready fer us ," she said, and I grinned.
"Oh, my," Fluttershy said. "What if they know we're coming? What if it's a trap?"
"Oh, please," Rainbow Dash said. "Like any trap could catch the Best Young Flier in Equestria!"
"Not to mention the absolute bestest best sneaky McSneakypants sneak-thief in the whole wide world !" Meanie put in, wrapping a hoof around my shoulders.
"We'll discuss all that on the way," Shiny put in. "Right now, we need to be on our way." He turned to Spike. "You coming?"
The little dragon shook his head. "Twilight said she wants me to keep an eye on things here while she's gone."
"That's my Number One Assistant," the scholarly Unicorn said, beaming at him. "Come on, guys and girls. We've got foals to rescue!"
* * * * *
We stood a good three blocks away from Pirates' Cove -- what Short Shanks and his Family referred to as "Lost Town" and was properly known as Darling Darning's Textiles (est. 789, closed 810) -- and discussed the plan one final time.
"I'm not sure about this," the red Earth Pony stallion said. "Are you sure they'll just let us in?"
"Don't sweat it," I told him, eyeing his green bisected-apple cutie-mark critically. I turned to A.J. "What do you think?"
"Ah reckon he'll do fine, long's he keeps his yap shut." She glared at him meaningfully.
"Applejack's right, BBBFF," Twilight said. "The changeling who was supposed to replace Big MacIntosh didn't talk much."
"Until Fluttershy got him to open up," I said. "And he didn't talk anything like you, Shiny."
"Okay, okay!" He rolled his eyes. "I'm just saying, using illusion magic against changelings... won't they be able to tell?"
"Of course they'll be able to tell," I said. "That's the point. They're not expecting the real Element Bearers and Big MacIntosh to show up. If it weren't for the illusions, they'd know something was up!"
"I have to say," Rarity said, "that it never would have occurred to me to cover ourselves with illusions of ourselves. You're quite the clever pony, Orange Meringue."
I puffed out my chest a bit. "Thank you, Miss Rarity," I said.
"...even if you are a disreputable ruffian."
I deflated.
"I've never tried to maintain eight illusions before," Twilight said. "It'd probably be best if someone else did the talking."
"I think we'd best leave that to Rarity," I said. "She's got the subtlety this calls for."
"Well, thank you, Orange Meringue."
"...even if she is a bit snooty." I paused. "Wait, eight illusions?"
"Well, yes!" Twilight looked at me. "I don't know if you've noticed, but you're not exactly invisible."
I shook my head. "Save your energy," I said. "If I can't sneak past a bunch of bugs with delusions of ponyhood, I don't deserve my job." She visibly relaxed a little, and I concluded that she'd dropped whatever illusion she had over me. "Okay, ponies. Everypony clear on the plan?"
They all nodded.
"Everypony clear on what to do when the plan goes south?"
They all looked at me blankly. "You mean 'if', right?" Twilight asked nervously.
I grinned. "Miss Sparkle," I said, "plans always go south at some point. So when things go horribly awry, the backup plan is simple."
"Kick everything that moves until it stops!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
"Except each other," Meanie put in.
"Oh, and we have to be careful of the foals," Fluttershy offered.
"And me ," I said. "Please do not kick me ." I grinned. "But yes, the backup plan is to kick bugpony flank and make sure they know better than to try this sort of thing again."
"This is gonna be so awesome," Rainbow Dash said, rubbing her forehooves in anticipation.
"That's plan B , Rainbow Dash," Twilight chided.
With that, we were all set to begin Operation: I Really Need To Come Up With Names For These Plans Some Day. Sadly, Twilight had already written that down before I told her that wasn't the name of the plan, and Meanie refused to let us correct it for... reasons, I don't know.
* * * * *
I split off from the group immediately, shadowing them as they made their way to the textile mill. Had these been the actual Lost Foals we were approaching, Short Shanks would have been ashamed. I encountered no guards, despite passing through several excellent vantage points, and was able to keep an eye on the ponies in the alleyway below without raising an alarm.
Twilight raised a hoof and knocked on the front door of the textile mill. There was a pause, then the door opened a crack. The pony that I assumed was a changeling on the other side of the door said something, and I scrambled to get closer so I could hear the conversation better.
"Yes," Twilight was saying, "well, we had to step things up unexpectedly."
The changeling asked a question.
"There was an agent of the Crowns snooping around Ponyville the last few days."
I settled in position above the door just in time to catch the tail end of the last question. "...you replace him instead of the big farm pony?"
"Because," Twilight said with exasperation, "he was too small for any of us to mimic reasonably, and besides, we had to dispatch him before we could get any information about him."
"I guess that makes sense," the door guard said.
"Of course it makes sense!" Twilight was overplaying the frustration a bit, I thought. Or she was extremely nervous about the whole situation. My money was on the latter. "Look, we came up from Ponyville as fast as we could. Our legs are tired, our wings are absolutely killing us, and we really need to report in. Could you maybe save the questions for after that?"
I grinned. I probably would have played the same angle myself, in the event they expected their infiltrators to fly anywhere. I spared a glance away from the door to look for the Pegasus guards up above. They were doing a passable job of staying incognito, using available clouds for cover and generally staying close enough to see us without being close enough to arouse suspicion. I gave them a jaunty little salute and made my way to the roof of the textile mill, leaving things in Twilight's capable hooves.
Five minutes later, I was incredibly frustrated and also extremely proud of Short Shanks and his Lost Foals. They'd managed to close off every possible avenue of entry save for one or two that even at my... conveniently portable... size were too small to use. All the window ledges were broken away. Gutters and drainpipes were just loose enough to be eye-catching, and closer inspection revealed they were far too loose to support any weight at all.
They'd turned all of my old entrances into traps, the talented little jerks. I bit down on my tongue to avoid cursing them all with every ounce of my being. First of all, I had it on pretty good authority that Earth Pony curses really only take hold if they're uttered with one's dying breath. Secondly, they didn't know their precautions were complicating their rescue. They were simply being prudent.
In the meantime, it was keeping me from finding out what was going on inside. I popped my head over the edge of the roof, verifying that the others had gotten inside okay.
There was no sign of them, which, I concluded, was a good sign. I trotted around the roof as silently as possible, looking for any possible ways in. Time was wasting. Everyone was in position except me. It was now or never. I racked my brains, thumping the sides of my head with my forehooves. "Think, think, think," I muttered. "Conventional ways are out. Un conventional ways are out. What does that leave?"
I could practically envision the flickering light bulb over my head suddenly lighting up. "Wait a minute," I said. "Standard unconventional ways in are all blocked. But there's always a way in." With a grin, I reared back and waved my hooves up at the Pegasus guards.
To my relief, one of them responded immediately -- the burly mare who'd accompanied Shiny to Ponyville, whom I remembered from our encounter the night before I left Canterlot in the first place. "You're... Frozen Pop, right?"
"Freeze Pop," she corrected automatically. She looked around the roof. "I can't help but notice you're still out here," she said with a smirk.
"Oh, ha ha," I groused. "Short Shanks has been exceptionally diligent about preventing anypony from getting into the place unnoticed. I can get around that, but I need a little help. How are you with clouds?"
Freeze Pop took a moment to look me up and down. "You are aware that Earth Ponies can't cloudwalk like Pegasus Ponies," she said. "Right?"
I grinned. "Not without magic," I corrected. "Just... think you can get a cloud into that back alley over there," I pointed with a hoof, "without being seen?"
She smirked. "Watch me," she said, and launched herself into the air with such force that the sudden gust of wind made me have to brace myself. She found a good-sized cloud that had drifted over the city, pushed it over towards the textile mill, then turned around and gave it a solid kick that I was sure would just break it up.
Instead it careened across the sky at an angle that took it down into the alley, rebounded off the building on the far side with a barely-audible fwump, and drifted to a halt barely two feet from an open window. I grinned and gave her an appreciative nod, then galloped off the edge of the roof at full tilt, doing a little flip as I twisted around so that I would be facing the window when I landed. The cloud let out little puffs of cloud which dissipated quickly, and distorted slightly under my weight and momentum before snapping back into shape and sending me flying towards the open window. I had just enough time to catch a glimpse of the amazed look on Freeze Pop's face as I cleared the window and then it was time to scramble, getting my hooves under me just as I hit a crossbeam.
I dislodged a little bit of dust as I got my hooves under me, but I didn't have time to worry about that. I had to check on Shiny and the girls, then find the missing Lost Foals before something went irrevocably wrong.
The first part turned out to be easier done than I had originally thought - the leader of the changelings, disguised as a grey Pegasus filly with a slightly disheveled blond mane, had set up shop in the textile mill's old administrative offices. I knew from personal experience both the advantages (a high vantage point) and disadvantages (only one mundane entrance and small windows limiting visibility) of the office, so it was a pretty simple matter to make my way over to them unseen.
"...your report," the Pegasus filly was saying as I got closer.
Twilight snapped off a rather impressive salute. "Ma'am," she said. "We have captured the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, as well as the Earth Pony Big MacIntosh."
"And the Elements themselves?"
Twilight hung her head. "We... haven't found them. Maybe they're not in Ponyville anymore?" I knew that was a lie. Princess Celestia had insisted that Twilight take the Elements with her to Ponyville after the events at Shiny's wedding not too long ago.
"Idiot!" The grey Pegasus slapped Twilight full across the face, and Rainbow Dash nearly jumped her right then and there, ruining the whole plan. Fortunately, A.J. was quick to react and gave Rainbow a well-timed kick on the side of the hoof, distracting her without causing a scene. "What did I tell you before you left for Ponyville? What did I tell you?"
Twilight opened her mouth, but couldn't come up with an answer fast enough. That suited me fine, since if she'd said the wrong thing it would have blown her disguise in a heartbeat.
"I said that the biggest threat to our operations here in Canterlot was the Elements of Harmony!"
"Queen Chrysalis wasn't defeated by the Elements of Harmony," Twilight said in her defense.
The filly went incoherent with rage. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SAY THAT NAME! "
"I'm sorry!" Twilight winced, and I did the same. This plan was going so far off course we'd need a whole new map by the time it was done.
"So-called 'Queen Chrysalis'," the Pegasus said, making air quotes with her hooves, "was nothing but a jumped-up drone with delusions of royalty. She couldn't take over one measly pony city with an entire hive of warriors at her beck and call! And where is she now?"
Twilight shook her head, clueless.
"Exactly!" The filly looked satisfied. Triumphant, even. "She and her entire hive have been scattered so far around the world I doubt wherever they've landed has even heard of Equestria, much less seen a pony!" She trotted over to the rickety remains of a wooden office chair and sat in it, gloating over the seven ponies gathered before her. "No, the fact that it didn't take the Elements of Harmony to defeat that idiot doesn't surprise me."
"The ponies can't use the Elements without the Element Bearers themselves," Twilight said.
"And where are the Element Bearers?" The filly looked over the group suspiciously. "Did you bring them with you?"
"We left them cocooned in the basement of the pink one's bakery," Meanie piped up.
"The... pink one's bakery," the filly said, nodding slowly. "Well," she said, "it's a good thing I've been reading those reports you've been sending me these past few weeks." She looked over the seven ponies pretending to be changelings pretending to be ponies, her gaze lingering a bit too long on Shiny-as-Big-MacIntosh for my taste, then glanced briefly at the two larger "Lost Foals" standing by the doors. "Because I know for a fact that you are all well aware that the pink one doesn't own that bakery!" Immediately, the two guard changelings blocked the door and a lance of green fire shot out from just in front of the grey "Pegasus filly"'s forehead, striking Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight was enveloped in green fire for a split second, then it faded, revealing her entirely unharmed. "What?!" The filly looked outraged. "That should have stripped your illusion! There's no way you could still look like Twilight Sparkle! Unless--"
Twilight smirked briefly before hitting the changeling with a telekinetic whallop the likes of which Shiny's Unicorn guardsponies would do well to emulate, slamming her into the wall behind her. "Unless I am Twilight Sparkle?" she said.
Immediately, the office erupted into fighting. The changelings dropped their disguises, and more of them began flooding into the office through the door and the windows. I scrambled to find a better hiding place, as it would only be a matter of moments before some of them came over the walls, which would bring them entirely too close to me for comfort.
Rarity, in between kicking one changeling and tying another up with a bolt of old, tattered, lime-green cloth, glanced up at where I was concealed. "What are you waiting for?" she shouted. "We've got these things under control, Darling! Go and find those foals!" Then, she looked back at the changeling she'd tied up, winced slightly, and muttered something about a dreadful palette.
I had no idea what that last thing was about, but when it came to our reason for being there, she was right. I didn't even bother wondering how she'd spotted me. All I did was continue scrambling through the rafters, trying to figure out where the changelings could have concealed the ponies they had replaced. If I had a bunch of hostages squirreled away, I wondered, where would I put them?
The fight spilled out of the office while I desperately scrambled from rafter to rafter, coming up empty in every part of the textile mill. I was growing more and more frustrated. My understanding was that the changelings would keep their victims alive as long as possible, to feed on their emotions. They would cocoon them. Where could they stash a bunch of pony-sized cocoons without anyone... Finally, it dawned on me what my mistake was.
I was going about this all wrong. Instead of thinking like a pony trying to hide something, I should have been trying to think like a changeling trying to protect something. The real Lost Foals were both a food source and a valuable information resource. Shiny had explained it to me when I told him how lucky he was Chrysalis hadn't just bumped off his fiancee once she had him under her spell.
"Not really," he had said. "Chrysalis couldn't put every pony who knew Cadance under a spell like me, so she had to keep her alive in case something came up she wasn't prepared for. I've been reading up on changelings ever since then, and some of the ponies who've made a study of creatures like them think it's an instinctive thing. Changelings just don't kill the ponies they've replaced. It's possible they can't . They usually keep them in cocoons somewhere in their nest. A pony named Crocodile Trapper told me he thinks they're a lot like ants that way."
I frowned while I pondered this. What I needed, I decided, was, barring a stroke of unprecedented luck, an expert in insect behaviors. Someone who knew woodland creatures, even the dangerous ones from the Everfree forest. I needed someone like Fluttershy. Fortunately, I had a Fluttershy of my very own, somewhere in the melee below.
In hindsight, it was probably a very stupid idea to leap from the rafters with an ululating war cry, landing with all four hooves on the back of a changeling that was about to attack Rainbow Dash.
It didn't help that she'd been lining up for a good, solid buck to the changeling's face at the time, nor that the way the changeling collapsed put my face in exactly the same position. I had a brief glimpse of a rainbow-colored tail, and then my vision filled with cyan and stars as her hooves connected with my muzzle at full force.
That mare can kick . Not as well as A.J. or Big MacIntosh, but well enough to send me flying across the factory floor and into a cluster of changelings, who went down like bowling pins.
"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh," she whinnied as she galloped over to me. "Are you okay?"
I grinned lopsidedly up at the three of her. "Okey dokey lokey," I said with a giggle. "Anypony else see that Ursa whallop me? I hope I get a scar. Mares dig scars."
"You probably ought to stay out of the fight," she said. "You're kind of a little guy."
I grinned. "That was the plan," I said. "Unfortunately, I needed to find Fluttershy."
"She's probably staying out of the fight, too," Rainbow said, then looked around us with a worried look. "Oh, boy, that is a lot of changelings."
I shook my head to clear the stars and looked around. Either I was still seeing multiples, or she was right. I glanced back at Rainbow Dash. Nope, down to only one of her. So yeah, a lot of changelings. I grinned. "You go high, I go low?" I asked.
"Try and keep up, shorty!" Rainbow said, then launched herself at a cluster. I let out a whoop and followed right behind, taking out their legs just as she hit them in the torso. As soon as that trio was taken out, however, we had our hooves full.
Things got a bit crazy for a moment, as my world became nothing but a blur of hole-riddled hooves and gleaming fangs. A kick here, a headbutt there, and in just a few moments, I had the five changelings I had been facing in a heap before me. I turned back to see if Rainbow needed a hoof and found her standing triumphantly on top of a pile of at least a dozen of the bugponies, pounding her hooves on her chest and yelling like a jungle pony.
"Fluttershy!" I said.
"No way," she said with a smirk. "You are looking at a hundred and twenty percent of awesome !"
"But I'm looking for Fluttershy," I repeated. "Have you seen her?"
"Not since the fight spilled out of the office," she said. "I've been trying to keep an eye out for everypony, but she's really good at hiding when she's scared. What you need is..." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Brace yourself, Deaf Hooves!"
I frowned. "That's Deft Hoof !" I corrected, but it was too late. The cyan Pegasus had turned her back on me, reared forward on her forehooves, and kicked me hard in the flank. I managed to say "WHAT THE--?!" right before the initial impact of her hooves against my cutie mark, then was sent flying across the factory.
"Ask Rarity!" she called out as she turned her attention back to the changeling swarm. "She's great at noticing details!"
I twisted in midair just in time to find myself slamming into another group of changelings that had their backs to me. We went down in a heap, but as they absorbed most of the impact, I was able to stagger to my hooves while they weren't. I looked around and saw that Rainbow Dash had launched me directly at the white Unicorn, and that the changelings I had taken out with my landing had been part of a larger group that had her cornered.
She was laying into them, using an oversized set of weird zig-zaggy scissors as as a bludgeon, crying out "Take that , you brutes! You ruffians! You horrible, hideous... unfashionable things!" It kind of upset me that even the supposedly delicate, ladylike Rarity was proving to be a more aggressive fighter than I was. I found myself wanting to find Fluttershy for more reasons than her knowledge of insect behavior. Hopefully, the notoriously shy pony would be in need of rescue, or at least not kicking large amounts of bugpony flank.
I leapt into the fray, putting my speed and agility to the best use I could by galloping across the changelings' skulls in my effort to both reach Rarity and prove I wasn't totally useless in a fight. "Rarity!" I said as, between the two of us, we downed the last of the changelings closing in on her.
"Oh, Orange Meringue!" She batted her eyelashes at me. I was pretty sure it was more of a posturing thing than actual flirting, but I will admit I was not unaffected. "How dashing of you to come to my rescue, but it really wasn't necessary." She levitated the weird scissors. "A shame to treat a pair of pinking shears so roughly," she said. "And such exquisite quality, too! They certainly don't make them like this anymore."
I grinned. "I'm sure Short Shanks won't mind if you keep them," I said. "Provided I get around to rescuing his friends, that is."
"About that," Rarity said, setting aside the shears in favor of a large metal spindle, which she hefted with her telekinesis like a bat. "Shouldn't you be doing that right now?"
"I'm looking for Fluttershy," I said. "I need someone who knows animals like ants and whatnot, and Rainbow Dash kicked me over here. She said you're good at noticing details."
"Did she now?" Rarity looked flattered. "I hadn't realized she'd noticed." She began swatting changelings with the spindle, and I leapt into the fight myself while we talked. "In any case, I haven't seen Fluttershy sin-- wait, did you say kicked you?"
"Forget that," I said. "Totally didn't happen. What about Fluttershy?"
Rarity grinned, her eyes widening slightly. "I believe you may be in luck, Orange Meringue," she said, and nodded to a place on the other side of the factory floor. A pair of butter-yellow hooves reached out from under a table, where they had been concealed in shadow, and yanked a tattered bolt of cloth out from under a trio of changelings, who collapsed into each other. I turned to thank Rarity, but she shook her head. "Oh, you'll never make it across there in time," she said. "One has a tendency to lose one's sense of direction in a melee, you know."
I'd noticed. "Well, if I can get up above the fight, I should have no problem," I said, and started looking around.
"Leave that to us, dear," she said. "Oh, Applejack!"
A group of changelings was roughly flung aside and my fifth cousin leapt through the space that left, letting out a rebel yell. "Right here, Rarity," she said. "What can Ah do ya-- Orange Meringue? What in th' name o' Celestia are y'all doin' here?"
"Orange Meringue needs to get up above the fray, Darling," Rarity explained. "I believe that chute up to the left there will do nicely," she said. "The far end should deposit him right where he needs to go."
"Ah gotcha, Sugarcube," A.J. said. To my horror, she turned her back on me. I shut my eyes and braced myself for another incoming kick, only to find myself looking like an idiot when it didn't happen. I risked a peek, and found that my precautions had been unwarranted. A.J. had pulled out her lasso and roped the near end of the chute Rarity had been talking about. The ancient, rusted out struts holding it in place began to creak and pop as the farm pony heaved with all her (not inconsiderable) might against the rope, and within moments, the chute had collapsed on one end, providing a ramp for me to get up above things while at the same time flattening a changeling that had just noticed A.J. was too preoccupied to fight it.
"Will that do, Orange Meringue? Or do you require more assistance?" Rarity fluttered her eyelashes at me again and I found myself wondering if she was even aware she was doing it.
"No, thank you," I said. "That'll do wonderfully." I gave A.J. a hoof-bump in passing and scrambled up the chute.
Once I was above the fight, things got a lot easier. I kept my eyes on the place I'd last seen Fluttershy, but she hadn't come out of her hidey-hole. Not that I blamed her. Those changelings gave me the creeps, myself, and I solemnly resolved to avoid them at all costs in the future.
I started looking for a way down when I got close to the other end of the chute. Rarity had said it would bring me right where I needed to go, and she wasn't far wrong at all. I would be right over Fluttershy's hiding place soon, and I certainly didn't want a repeat of my experience with Rainbow Dash if I jumped down and used an unsuspecting changeling to break my fall. A few more steps, however, and I realized just what Rarity had meant.
The struts on either side of me began to creak and groan in much the same way the ones on the other end of the chute had done for Applejack, and I winced. "Oh, no," I had time to mutter, then the struts gave out with a rapid pop-pop-pop, and the nearly-horizontal metal chute turned into a slide.
To Rarity's credit, it did deposit me right in front of Fluttershy. Of course, I was dizzy and hyperventilating when I spun and slid to a stop in front of the work table, which might have been a problem.
Fortunately, before I could become a target for the changelings, Fluttershy quickly dragged me into her hiding place.
"Oh, dear," she said softly. "Are you all right?"
I shook my head. "I will be soon," I said. "Just... I need to ask you a question."
"I'll do what I can," she said.
"I can't figure out where the changelings have the Lost Foals hidden," I admitted.
"Oh... I'm not sure what I can do," Fluttershy responded, hiding behind her mane and scuffing a forehoof.
"Shiny told me once that changeling hives are kind of like anthills. So, if these things were ants, where would they keep their food?"
Fluttershy thought about that for a moment. "I'm not quite sure," she said. "Some types of ant have a chamber deep in their hill where they store food. It would have to be someplace large. A big, open room that's dark, cool, and dry."
I frowned. "A big, open, dark, cool, dry place," I repeated. "I don't think there's anyplace like that in here."
"I'm so sorry," Fluttershy said. "I don't know what else I can do."
I shook my head. "Don't sweat it," I told her. "It's more information than I--" Suddenly, a light dawned in the cluttered repository of junk I call a brain. "The WAREHOUSE!" I shouted, startling a squeak out of Fluttershy.
The warehouse wasn't part of the textile mill proper . It was, in fact, across a narrow alley from the building we were in. After a moment, I realized that it was across the same alley my cloud was in , which meant that this entire time I had been moving further from the Lost Foals while I was looking for them.
"Fluttershy," I said as I prepared to leave our hiding place and gallop to the rescue, "you're beautiful!"
Her reply was too high-pitched and quiet to make out. As I burst from her hiding place, I made it a point to draw as many changelings away from the delicate Pegasus as possible, zig-zagging this way and that through the fray. I found what -- or rather who -- I was looking for in moments: Shining Armor doing his level best to prove to the changelings that the Captain of Celestia's Royal Guard was, in fact, entirely out of their league.
"Shiny!" I said, screeching to a halt beside him and his Pegasus guard escort. "I think I know where the foals are!"
"That's great!" he said. "Why are you here and not there?"
I rolled my eyes. "Because," I said, "I have no idea how many changelings are going to be there. I need to borrow this." With that, I put my hooves on Freeze Pop's shoulders and started dragging her towards the exit. Okay, attempting to drag her towards the exit. She stubbornly refused to budge, the spoilsport. I got a hoof to the face for my troubles, but it was worth it for the looks on their faces.
"Go with him, Freeze Pop," Shiny said. "We've got this under control."
The Pegasus mare narrowed her eyes at me. "Celestia help me, Deft Hoof, if you make me miss out on the rest of the fight for nothing..."
"Trust me," I said, waggling my eyebrows, and led the way towards a gap in the wall I was sure I could squeeze through to reach the alley. I looked back at Freeze Pop. "Follow me!" I said, then froze as I saw the look in her eyes.
The burly Pegasus mare took a look at the crack in the wall, then looked at me, then back at the crack in the wall.
"What?" I said.
She rolled her eyes. "I'll never fit through that," she said. She didn't say the word "idiot", but I heard it nonetheless. "Step aside." With that, she lowered her head, and pawed at the ground with a forehoof, giving me just enough time to dive out of the way before barrelling at -- and then straight through -- the wall.
I tried to keep from gaping at her, and turned to Shiny, making "what the hay" gestures at the Freeze Pop-sized (and shaped) hole in the wall.
He laughed. "Now you know why the other guards call her Sergeant Hard Head," he said, and returned his attention to the fight.
* * * * *
The warehouse fit the bill nicely. It had been abandoned for perhaps half as long as the textile mill, and was, overall, too drafty and cool to use as a shelter except in the summer. As most street ponies prefer to sleep under Luna's night sky in the summertime, that meant it was generally left abandoned year-round. The changelings could have moved in at any time with no one the wiser. As I got inside, I realized it was a lot draftier than I remembered. I made a note to talk to the Princesses about possibly finally condemning the place, especially since nopony used it.
It was nearly pitch-black in there, and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. As soon as they did, however, I stifled a shocked whinny. Not two feet from where I was standing was an oddly shaped silhouette that might have been a pony. Its head turned and the little moonlight that was coming in through the doorway glinted off of blue eyes. I held my breath, hoping the changeling or whatever it was didn't see me.
It bounced over to me in a way that neither changelings nor ponies travel. "Hi!" it whispered harshly, and it took me a moment to realize I knew the voice.
"Meanie? What are you doing here?"
She shrugged. "I got a scrunchy nose," she said.
"Somepony was sneaking around over here before I got here?"
She shook her head. "I think it was you."
"But... you got here before me."
"I took a shortcut."
I tried very hard not to think about that. Finally, something else occurred to me to talk about. "Meanie?"
"Yes?"
"Why are we whispering?"
She made a sound I realized was a whispered giggle, then jabbed skyward with a forehoof. "'Cause they're sleeping!" she whispered.
Almost against my will, my eyes followed where she was pointing and I saw that the ceiling was covered with dozens and dozens of black shapes. They were moving slightly, fanning the air with their wings - the draft I'd noticed earlier was explained. I scanned across the ceiling, trying very hard not to think about how outnumbered we were, and I saw our goal.
Right in the middle of the warehouse, dangling from the rafters, a group of softly glowing cocoons provided a faint, sickly, green light to the warehouse. The Lost Foals were here, and they were surrounded by changelings. A lot of changelings.
I looked over at Freeze Pop. "Still worried you're going to miss the fight?" I asked sarcastically.
Author's Note
A few things.lot of the fighting.
The pinking shears are kind of a gag, though, since they're definitely more of a dressmaking tool than something you'd find in a textile mill. (They cut fabric in a zig-zag pattern, which helps prevent unravelling of coarser fabrics.)
Thanks again to Sketchy Sounds for the use of Freeze Pop in this chapter, for his help in prereading as this story has gone on, and for being an all-around good guy.
A Busman's Holiday In which somepony makes a critical mistake, and for a change, it isn't Deft Hoof...
There comes a time in everypony's life when you look around, and you start to wonder: how did I get in this situation? What crucial decision in my life went wrong? For me, that time had to be at the moment I was crawling slowly along the rafters of an abandoned Canterlot warehouse, edging between sleeping changelings and praying to Luna that I didn't make too much noise or, worse yet, brush up against one.
This won't end well, I thought. Below me, Meanie and Freeze Pop waited patiently while I navigated my way through the sleeping changelings. I made the mistake of catching Meanie's eye, and she started jumping up and down and waving her hooves. Fortunately, Freeze Pop was pretty on-the-ball, and was able to ground my hyperactive cousin before things got out-of-hoof.
It was agonizingly slow going, edging my way past the bugponies, since the low light made it difficult to see their fanning wings. I'd heard about insects doing something like that in hives, but it was something else entirely to see it up close and pony-sized. Eventually, however, I made my way to the center of the warehouse.
Beneath me, clinging to the rafters I was crawling on, was a collection of some two dozen cocoons, each containing a member of Short Shanks' Lost Colts. I eased my way over the edge of the rafter to examine the stalks the cocoons were attached to. They were springy and tough, like... Well, I have no idea what they were like.
I prodded at one with a hoof, and felt the edge of my horseshoe bite into the stalk slightly. A viscous green ooze came out, nearly sticking me to the cocoon myself. Heck of a defense mechanism , I thought.
"What's the plan?" a harsh voice whispered by my ear. I swallowed my startled yell before it came out and looked around, terrified. There, hovering just a couple of feet away, was Freeze Pop, staying aloft with lazy flaps of her white wings. She took notice of my startlement and smirked at me.
"Haven't exactly got one yet," I admitted. "I usually just... if you'll pardon the expression, wing it."
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, ha ha," she whispered back.
"Anyway, what are you doing up here?" I asked. "And more importantly, since you're the one with wings, why did you let me volunteer to climb up here?"
"You had that look on your face," she replied enigmatically.
"What look? I didn't have a look. Did I have a look?"
"That 'ooh, a challenge' look my buddies get sometimes," she explained. "Admit it. You saw all those bugs up here and you just couldn't wait to put your skills to the test."
"Okay, fine," I said. "Fine. Whatever. More to the point, while we're both up here, who's keeping an eye on Meanie?"
"Mean-- oh, Pinkie Pie? She's a three-time savior of Equestria," Freeze Pop whispered with a dismissive hoof-wave. "She can keep an eye on herself."
My face and my hoof got reacquainted yet again. "You've never spent much time with her, have you?" I asked. Before Freeze Pop could reply, I got back to work examining the cocoons. "I think," I said after a moment, "if I move fast enough, I can break these loose without getting stuck. Think you can carry them down to the floor?"
She didn't reply in words. The look she gave me was eloquent enough. She positioned herself directly below the cocoon I was examining and spread her hooves, ready to catch it.
I took a moment to dip the tips of my forehooves in the sap-like fluid leaking out of the damaged stalk and planted them firmly on the rafter. As I hoped, the stuff stuck my hooves in place well enough to keep me from falling, but not so well I thought I might end up stuck there. With a Discord-may-care grin, I leapt away from the rafter with my back hooves, then swung under, giving the stalk a solid kick. It snapped with a soft tearing sound, and while Freeze Pop carried the freed cocoon to the floor, I clambered up onto the rafter to get ready for the next cocoon.
By the time we finished, I'd had to reapply the gunk to my hooves three times, and Meanie was showing dangerous signs of severe boredom. Freeze Pop set the last cocoon down with the others and I was looking around for a safe route down when I heard something terrifying.
"Is that all of them?" Meanie's harsh whisper carried up from the floor. I made frantic shushing motions at the two ponies down there just as Freeze Pop nodded her confirmation that we'd gotten all the Lost Foals down.
"Woo-hoo!" cheered Meanie, a raucous explosion of confetti and streamers erupting from her party cannon. I winced, and looked around. It was, of course, too much to hope that the changelings were such sound sleepers they'd missed that . All around me were angrily narrowed, multifaceted blue eyes. The shadows separated from the ceiling, and at least two dozen angry changelings bared their fangs at us.
I glared down at Meanie, who at least had the decency to look chagrined, and then the changelings began to swarm us. From that point, I had other things on my hooves besides Meanie.
One of those other things was the adhesive gunk from the cocoons' stems, which made fighting off the first few changelings even more of a challenge than it should have been. At first, I was able to make use of its elasticity to get a few really good kicks in, knocking two of the changelings to the far side of the warehouse. By the time I'd recovered from those two, however, they were all over me.
I caught glimpses of the warehouse through the holes through the creatures' hooves as they clutched onto me, biting and kicking and just generally making life miserable for me. I found it harder and harder to fight back, not due to blood loss -- the changelings were getting in each others' way as they all strove to be the one to subdue me -- but because I just couldn't move with them all pressing in around me. I managed to squeeze a hoof out from under one of them to lash out with an admittedly feeble kick, which freed me up a tiny bit so that I could make a better showing of myself.
Before the changelings could close in again, I lashed out with my back hooves with as powerful a kick as I could manage, and was gratified when the entire cluster of changelings around me went flying. I grinned at the devastation I'd wrought, but my self-congratulations were cut short when I realized that just above and behind me, Freeze Pop was dusting off her hooves with a smirk. I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity -- of course I hadn't taken them out myself. "Thanks for the save, Freeze," I called out.
She grinned. "No problem!" she said, then tucked her wings in for a high-speed dive at another cluster of changelings that had surrounded Meanie in the meantime. I watched, impressed, as she sent the bugponies flying with a headbutt, the impact of which sent a puff of compressed air all the way up to the rafters where I was. As the dust cleared, however, it became apparent that Meanie had somehow managed to slip out of the cluster of changelings without them noticing. Looking around the warehouse, I spotted her wheeling her party cannon around to fire at another cluster.
"Wow," I grunted. "I better step up my game, or there won't be any left for me to fight!" Scanning around the area, I noticed a group of changelings flying down towards Meanie. Letting out another Buffalo war-whoop, I leapt from the rafters in the opposite direction. The gummy sap stuff stretched taut and swung me around towards the descending changelings, then snapped just when I was beginning to rethink this... I don't think "plan" is the appropriate word.
With a mad cackle, I flew through the air, landing with all four hooves atop the nearest changeling. Giggling, I then leapt from changeling to changeling, giving each a good solid kick as I leapt to the next one. By the time I reached the floor of the warehouse, a half dozen more of the creatures had been dispatched, not to mention however many Freeze Pop and Meanie had dealt with.
I landed next to Meanie and turned to face the oncoming swarm, just as Freeze Pop swept in on the other side of the party pony and readied herself as well.
We'd already taken out at least two dozen, if not more, of the changelings. "They just keep coming!" I... okay, let's be clear. I did not whine . I complained. There is a difference.
"Quit whining," said Freeze Pop as the next wave of changelings swarmed us. She lashed out with a powerful back kick that not only sent two changeling flying, but peppered me with bits of bugpony teeth.
I winced slightly and darted under the nearest changeling, stopping to give it a kick in the rump before turning my attention to the next nearest.
"Oooh!" Meanie said appreciatively. "I think you just gave that changeling her Cutie Mark!"
I laughed. "That's a new one on me," I said as I gave the next changeling a left cross, following through with a roundhouse from my back hooves.
"Makes sense," Freeze Pop called out from where she was fighting off five of the bug things single-hoofedly. "Getting their flanks kicked seems to be these guys' special talent!"
Meanie hopped back-hooves first into her party cannon, narrowed her eyes in the most serious expression I'd ever seen, and looked right at me. "Launch me, Merry!" she called out, then pulled back inside the cannon.
"She cannot be serious," I grumbled, before a changeling's lunge forced me to leap into the air. It had worked before, I reasoned, so I galloped across the swarming changelings' heads in my mad dash for the party cannon. A group of five or six of the creatures were gathered around the muzzle of the cannon, licking their fangs in anticipation of... something unpleasant, I was sure.
"NOW!" Meanie yelled from inside the cannon, and I slammed a hoof on the trigger button. In an explosion of confetti, streamers, and plasticware, Meanie shot from the cannon with a delighted squeal, blasting her way through the changelings with a sound that most emphatically could not have been what I thought I heard. The only thing that sounds like that when it's knocked over is a set of bowling pins, and bowling pins are not nearly that... fang-y.
I have no idea how long the fight continued. I had pushed well past fatigued and into completely drained, and they just kept coming. Freeze Pop had gone from absolutely dominating changelings to slightly better than holding her own. Meanie... I had no way of determining how well she was doing. At first I thought I was seeing changelings taking on her appearance, but every time I thought that, the Meanie I was looking at would do something incontestably her , and in so doing, take out a few of the bugponies.
"Something's not right here," I grumbled.
"Apart from the fact that we should have won by now?" Freeze Pop said.
"Why haven't they been trying to mix us up? You remember what happened at Shiny's wedding, right?"
Freeze grimaced. "You're right," she said, laying into another pair of the things. "Why aren't they taking our shapes?"
"Because," an authoritative voice called out, "these are drones! They don't have the ability to change shape like the other changelings do."
Meanie popped up beside me, gasping in shock, and the three of us turned to face the voice. There in the entrance, framed by the dim orange light from the alleyway, was a cluster of pony-sized silhouettes. "Sorry it took us so long," a brash, somewhat high-pitched voice said from within the cluster.
"No problem, R.D.!" Meanie said, waving cheerfully.
I leaned over to her. "Hssst!" I hissed. "How do we know that's really her?"
"Oh, don't worry," the one who looked like Twilight Sparkle said in a fair approximation of her voice. "It's us." With that, her horn let out a flare of magic and I immediately threw myself to the floor, covering my head with my forehooves.
After a few moments, realizing that nothing had happened, I lifted my head and looked around me. The changelings, all in various states of injury and at varying levels of consciousness ranging from very conscious and enraged to completely unconscious, hovered in the air around us without the need to flap their wings. Twilight -- I was pretty sure by this point that it was Twilight -- glared at them menacingly, her horn wrapped in a field of magic. I sat back on my haunches. After a moment I whistled. "That," I said, "is some kind of telekinesis there."
Shiny rolled his eyes at me. "Of course it's telekinesis," he said. "How many times did they kick you in the head, Defty?"
I shook my head. "No," I said, "I mean, 'Wow , that is some kind of telekinesis there.' As in your sister is crazy powerful."
He grinned. "Isn't she, though?" he said, tousling her hair with a hoof.
"Shining Armor," Twilight groused good-naturedly, "I'm trying to concentrate here!"
"Right, right," he said. "Sergeant! Report!"
"Deft Hoof was able to secure the abducted foals," Freeze Pop said, snapping to attention. "They're over there," she indicated the spot with a wingtip.
"Well done, Sergeant," Shiny said, then relaxed. "At ease, Freezy."
Freeze Pop grimaced. "You guys came in the nick of time," she admitted.
"Please," I said, "you were totally dominating those freaky bugponies." I shook my head. "I mean we . We were totally dominating. Especially me. I am a one-pony changeling-kicking machine."
"Oh yeah?" taunted Shining Armor. "How many times did Freeze Pop have to save your flank?"
I grumbled under my breath. The word "fizzler" may or may not have been a part of what I said. I admit to nothing.
"Forget it," Shiny said, "we're wasting time. Twiley, there's a paddy-wagon on the way. Think you can hold these things until it gets here?"
"Watch me," Twilight Sparkle said with a smirk.
A Busman's Holiday In which Canterlot Castle is invaded...
Shining Armor paced back and forth in front of a platoon of Royal Guards. "Everypony," he said, "we do not want a repeat of the wedding fiasco, do we?"
"No, sir!" the guards all replied in unison. I always thought it was pretty neat how he could get them to do that.
"Now, listen up!" He stopped to fix them with a glare. "The opposing force is going to try to take the banquet hall, here. " A pointer, being levitated by his magic, snapped up against a diagram of the castle's floorplan. "Primary entrances are here, here, and here." He looked at the first three columns of guards. "Green Squad, I want you on the drawbridge. Red and Blue Squads, the east and west entrances to the banquet hall itself!"
The guards in question snapped off salutes and galloped off to their posts.
"Harmony Squad!"
Nopony responded.
"Twiley," Shining Armor said pleadingly, "that's you and your friends."
"Oh?" Twilight Sparkle blinked confusedly, then snapped to attention, much to Rainbow Dash's obvious (and loudly vocalized) amusement. "Sir, yes, sir!"
"The leader of the opposing force is likely to be doing a bit of reconnaissance. I want you six to spread out and track him down."
"Yes, sir!" Twilight said, then giggled.
"He won't get past us!" Rainbow Dash said confidently.
"Don't underestimate him, Rainbow Dash," Shiny warned. "He's evaded some of the best flyers in Canterlot."
"Pfft," Rainbow scoffed. "He's not dealing with one of the best in Canterlot! He's dealing with the best flier in Equestria!"
Shiny grinned. "I've read your file, Dash. If you're anything like Spitfire says, he's got his work cut out for him."
I rolled my eyes. Rainbow Dash was fast, yes. An excellent flier. One of the best? Definitely. The best? Questionable, but highly possible, from what I'd heard. That did not make her qualified to catch a good sneak, however.
"Ah'll learn him not ta mess with mah friends," Applejack drawled, and I shuddered. One good kick from her and it would be all over but the hospital stay.
Meanie was conspicuously, and suspiciously, silent. I looked over at... where she had been... Roadapples! If there was anypony I was worried about catching me, it was the one pony who'd already proven she could out-think me. I scrambled across the rafters as quickly as I could without drawing any attention.
"The rest of you," Shiny said, "spread out! Search the servants' quarters, the kitchens, the laundry -- anyplace ponies don't normally go. There are passages all over this castle that only the pages use. That's where you'll find them. Now move out!"
I shook my head. If they were half as clever as I thought, Shorty's Lost Colts would not only be in the exact passages Shiny was talking about, they would be dressed as pages themselves, giving them a better than even chance of bluffing their way past the guards.
The challenge was on, and this time around, it was anypony's game.
* * * * *
I had given a similar pep talk -- though it didn't come in the form of a military commander barking orders -- to the Lost Colts just a half-hour prior. I had been prepared to explain about Short Shanks' and my roles as agents of Princess Luna, but to my surprise, the Lost Colts had already known. (Unsurprisingly, this meant that the changelings knew as well -- when Shorty had informed the Lost Colts, a good half of them had already been replaced, and Bright Eyes had always been a changeling. Princess Luna said she would deal with the breach, however.)
The changeling incident had been wrapped up by three in the morning. The Lost Colts had been checked for lasting damage from their imprisonment, and, apart from a slight emotional drain, had been given a clean bill of health.
What they needed, I'd determined, in addition to a good, healthy dose of chocolate -- theobromine is an excellent treatment for certain magical/emotional symptoms -- was a confidence boost.
So Shining Armor had proposed a challenge. My boys versus his boys: Winners got a party, losers had to act as wait staff. I was confident. At least, I had been confident until Shiny had pulled out his trump card.
The Bearers of the Elements of Harmony would be on his team, he declared. Princess Celestia had backed him up on it, and there was no way Twilight Sparkle would gainsay the Princess and mentor she'd looked up to since she was a filly.
Princess Luna refused to get involved, content with just watching to see how it all played out.
After a good day's sleep (and a small, impromptu party thrown by Meanie), the real fun was ready to begin.
The game started at sundown. I might have been bending the rules slightly by sneaking in a few minutes early, but if Shiny didn't expect me to cheat a little, that was his own fault.
Clearly, based on the briefing he'd given, he had expected it.
I racked my brain, trying to think if I'd failed to warn any of the Lost Colts about anything. Shining Armor knew about the entrance I'd shown Short Shanks. I'd told them that. In the end, I decided I would have to trust the kids to think on their hooves. That didn't mean I couldn't keep an eye on them, however.
I waited until the briefing room cleared out, then dropped lightly to my hooves and made my way to the nearest window. The ledge was narrow, but not too narrow to walk on if one was careful and didn't mind heights. Pushing the window closed behind me, I made my way along the ledge until I came to a window that doubled as an entrance for the Princesses (and any Pegasus guardsponies). Due to this, instead of a glass pane, the window had a thin magical barrier on it to keep the wind out.
It was a simple enough matter to ease through the field, though the tingling sensation of active magic set my fur on end. Once I was through, however, I made a hasty dash for the nearest door -- there was no way that field hadn't been set to summon guards.
I got through the door in the nick of time. As it closed behind me, I heard a guardspony shouting "Hurry! Somepony was just here, they can't have gotten far!"
We'd see about that.
When the door burst open moments later, the guards were clearly perplexed to find no sign of an intruder in the long, nearly featureless back hallway it opened onto. After taking a few moments to look around, they headed back out into the main hall, closing (and locking) the door behind them. I stifled a giggle and dropped down from my perch atop the door frame.
They never look up, I gloated. I should talk to Shiny about that. I walked quietly down the hall until I was sure I had gotten far enough that the sound would be too muffled to hear, then broke into a gallop.
* * * * *
The main scrying chamber was out of the question: guards would be using it to coordinate their efforts. Unfortunately, the secondary scrying chamber wasn't as unoccupied as I'd expected it would be, either. Instead of guards, however, what I found was my Princess, Luna, reclined on an indigo cushion with her crescent-moon cutie mark embroidered on it in silver thread, and nibbling at an apple as she watched the mad scramble in the castle around us.
"Ah, Deft Hoof," she said with a smile. "Do come in."
"What's the score?" I asked.
"Well, your apprentice, Short Shanks, took two of the older Lost Colts and managed to bluff their way past the guards by stealing some practice armor from the training hall and pretending that Short Shanks was a prisoner."
I grinned and stomped a hoof in appreciation. "Clever colt," I said. "How about the others?"
"So far, three lost colts -- Short Shanks and his 'captors' -- have made it to the banquet hall, and, as you can see on the dungeon monitor," here, she gestured at one crystal with a hoof, "three have been captured."
I frowned. "Did one of the three escape the dungeon?" I asked. "I only see two there."
"Nopey-dopey!" a cheerful voice said from behind me. I turned in stunned realization, as a beaming Meanie stepped out from behind Luna's cushion. Panicking, I scrambled for the exit, only to find it blocked by a smug-looking Applejack and Rarity. I turned to the window, only to see Rainbow Dash just outside with her forehooves crossed.
"Face it," Twilight Sparkle said as she dropped the invisibility spell that was concealing her -- and had been concealing everypony but Luna and Meanie, I guessed -- "you're caught."
"Okay, okay," I said. "I'm caught. But the game isn't over yet."
* * * * *
In the end, it was a draw. I don't know who was more upset: Short Shanks or Shiny. The fact that some of his guards had fallen for Shorty's "prisoner" dodge was extremely irritating to the Captain of the Royal Guard, I could see.
The fact that his mentor had been nabbed by "a bunch of fillies" was just as irritating to Short Shanks.
To settle the bet, Luna and Celestia decreed that both teams had won, and that the castle's servants would do the serving. Surprisingly, the servants seemed to be relieved by this, rather than upset at having to work.
I trotted over to the majordomo, who immediately took two steps away from me, remembering our last encounter, and asked him what was up.
"Think about it," he said. "The Princesses obviously think you're clever, so put that wily brain of yours to use and put yourself in our hooves. Which would you prefer? A group of foals with no training, dubious morals, and questionable hygiene to be let loose in the kitchens?"
I frowned at the blunt, but, frankly, accurate description of the Lost Colts. "And the guards?"
"Bumbling idiots," the majordomo scoffed. "If we needed crushed ice, we might let them assist. But serving?" He snorted. "I have standards, sir."
I shrugged and moved on to kibitz with the guards and Lost Colts. It was good to make sure everypony knew what the score would be going forward.
"So," Short Shanks was saying, "we keep our eyes open, our ears to the ground, and our 'ooves nimble."
"Business as usual, then?" one of the older Lost Colts said with a smirk.
"Not quite," I put in. "Shorty?"
"Go right ahead, Deft 'Oof."
"From now on," I said, "the Lost Colts don't just look out for each other." Short Shanks frowned. "The Lost Colts look out for everypony. Rich, poor, or in between."
"The rich look out for themselves," one colt put in.
"True enough," I said. "But what happens when some well-to-do young stallion gets swindled by a con pony?"
"He learns a valuable lesson about trust?"
"And he applies that lesson to ponies who could genuinely use some help that he could have provided." I shook my head. "Not to mention the possible crackdown on street ponies. It's our responsibility to protect ponies who otherwise slip through the cracks."
"Does this mean no more theivin'?" one of the older colts asked.
"I wish it did," Shiny put in from behind him, causing him to jump. "Defty here can hardly stop himself. We don't expect you colts to become upright citizens overnight. Just... show more self control than he does and everything will be fine."
"What?" I snorted indignantly. "I have plenty of self control!"
"Right," Shiny said. "And where is the silverware from the serving table now?"
I looked around nervously. "I don't know what you're talking about," I lied.
Shiny rolled his eyes. "For one of the sneakiest ponies in Canterlot--"
"In Equestria!"
"--you sure have a lousy poker face," he continued as though I hadn't interrupted.
"That reminds me," I said. Without another word, I stalked over to the Princesses' table, wearing my sternest, most businesslike expression.
"Yes, Orange Meringue?" Princess Celestia said. I grimaced slightly at the use of my birth name.
"You two," I said, "owe me a vacation!"
"But you just had --" Luna said.
"A real vacation! Not something that sticks me under the watchful eyes of the the Tartarus-begotten Element Bearers! "
"Orange Meringue!" Twilight said in a mix of shock and reproach. Clearly, she was not used to anypony talking to the princesses that way -- one of the reasons I was doing so.
"I am afraid," Princess Luna said, "that your vacation will have to wait."
Princess Celestia nodded. "It seems our nephew," she began, and Rarity interrupted with a "Hmmf!" of disdain. Clearly some history there. Luna picked up where her sister had left off.
"More like our great, great, great, great, great, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum--"
"Nausea is right," Rarity said.
Celestia cleared her throat, looking sternly at Rarity, who looked utterly mortified at her own behavior. "...great great great grand-nephew ," the Solar Princess continued, "has run into a problem that requires someone with a delicate touch and knowledge of underworld operations to extricate him from."
"So," I said, "on the heels of a vacation-turned-catastrophe, you're sending me on a mission...?"
"Indeed," Luna said, and though her tone was apologetic, her expression was more on the order of "sly". "Unfortunately, you'll be on your own out there, as we haven't any appropriate agents to assist you."
"Out where?" I asked, frowning. It was sounding more and more like I was being sent out to someplace like Appleloosa, or worse.
"Las Pegasus," Luna said.
I think the happy squee I let out could be heard as far away as Ponyville.
~FIN~ ...for now...
Author's Note
There will be an epilogue.
A Busman's Holiday
Princess Luna stared off into the sky, admiring the stars. "You're very quiet tonight," she said after a moment, glancing over her shoulder.
Princess Celestia smiled at her younger sister. "Just enjoying a nice, peaceful night for a change."
Princess Luna smiled. "Indeed. No monsters, evil spirits, changelings..."
"Speaking of..."
"Ah," Luna said with a wry grin. "The real reason you're here."
"I can't just spend time with my little sister?"
"I'm sorry," Luna said. "That was uncalled for."
Celestia sighed. "True, though. When Twilight and her friends brought you back to me, I thought we'd have a chance to catch up on a millennium of lost time."
Luna smiled and nuzzled her older sister. "Oh, Celestia, we have all the time in the world. It would be greedy to try to keep you all to myself."
Celestia smiled back. "That doesn't stop me wanting to," she said.
The two stood in silence for a moment, merely enjoying each others' presence.
"You were saying something," Luna said reluctantly, "about the changelings?"
Celestia sighed. "What were you planning on doing with them?"
Luna frowned. "They are a problem," she said. "To be honest, I'm still trying to figure something out."
"You told Orange Meringue you had everything under control."
"I have been known to exaggerate."
"Luna..."
The Princess of the Night sighed. "I wish it were cut-and-dried," she said. "That queen... Bright Eyes... she might have been something else."
"What do you mean?"
"For months, she lived at peace with the Lost Colts." Luna smiled. "Imagine! A changeling queen, living in Harmony with ponies."
"What are you thinking, Luna?"
Luna sighed. "Not thinking," she said. "Hoping. I'm hoping it's not too late."
Celestia smiled. "That's a wonderful thing to hope for," she said.
Luna followed her gaze out over the castle grounds, towards the statue garden. "In the meantime," she said, "the changelings are being kept in the caverns beneath the castle."
"Isn't that where--?"
"...Queen Chrysalis kept Princess Cadance, yes."
"Poetic."
Luna smiled sadly. "Not, actually, my intent," she said. "I simply needed a place safely away from the castle prisons, but accessible by myself and the guards."
"And Short Shanks?"
"Eventually, I hope." Luna smiled. "It would warm me so to see him get a happy ending after all he and his friends have been through."
Celestia sighed. "That's not all," she said. "Is it?"
"All right, yes," Luna replied after a few moments. "I can't help but remember how I felt when I saw you there in the ruins of our old castle."
Celestia nuzzled her sister, wrapping a large pearly wing around her, and the two stood there for a few minutes, just looking up at the sky.
"Luna," she said, breaking the silence, "there is one other thing."
"Yes?"
"You hurt Gravy Boat's feelings."
"I?"
"Yes, you," the elder princess said, gently poking her sister on the nose with a forehoof. "What was the idea ordering sandwiches from a restaurant for a banquet when we have some of the finest chefs in Equestria waiting to serve us on a moment's notice?"
"They make spectacular sandwiches."
"Lu..."
"Yes, Tia?"
"This wouldn't have anything to do with the young mare who delivered said sandwiches, would it?"
"She's a friend of a friend."
"Why, Luna!"
"Don't you 'why, Luna' me , Tia!" Luna grinned mischievously at her sister. "I know for a fact that you go to Pony Joe's on a regular basis. And I am not letting my friendships interfere with my judgement. They wouldn't use me like that even if it occurred to them that they could, anyway."
"Luna," Celestia said, "what have I told you about interfering?"
"I can't help it!" Luna said. "I know you said I shouldn't, but I just want ponies to be happy."
"I said no such thing!" Celestia said, sitting upright in the most prim and proper manner possible. "What I said was 'don't get caught interfering in ponies' lives.' Free will is a wonderful thing, but that doesn't mean we don't get to exercise our own free will, now, does it?"
Luna chuckled. "You always were the sneaky one," she said.
"I am shocked you would say such a thing about your own sister!" Celestia put on such an air of wounded pride that Luna couldn't help but laugh. "Now, come on, dish!"
"Dish?"
"Tell me all about this young mare and we'll see what we can do. Together."
Luna smiled. "Well," she said, "her name is Salad Sandwich. Her parents own the restaurant 'Graze'..."
The two spent the better part of the evening enjoying each other's company, gossiping like fillies, laughing, and, of course, plotting and planning. All was right with the world, at least for that moment. Other moments would come, of course, and with them, other problems. But for now, everything was perfect.
Fin
Author's Note
The main reason for this chapter was to settle, at least for now, the question of "What about Bright Eyes?"
To be honest, originally, she was to have been an actual just-plain-villain, but I just couldn't go through with it. I couldn't make a real villain be a little kid.
This left me with a dilemma. I wanted to give her a happy ending, too, where she ended up with the Lost Colts again, but too much had happened. She's going to have to earn that happy ending, and it may be some time coming. Who knows what the future holds for her?
I will say that the next story planned probably won't get into it. I don't plan to involve the Lost Colts in it at all. (That might change, but for right now, I have something entirely different planned.)
New story should be along soon.
No promises as to how soon, though.
~I'm Going on Assignment!~
A Busman's Holiday In which Deft Hoof, a thief, annoys the Princess of the Night.
Hello there. My name, if you want to call it that, is Deft Hoof. That’s what everypony calls me. It’s not the name I was born with, but it fits just as well -- if not better. If you want to know what I look like, well, take a look coming up the street just now. No, not the white unicorn with the blue mane, that’s well-known trendsetter Fancy Pants. You see the pony to his left? Yeah, the grey pegasus with the yellow mane? Okay, now look behind him.
The orange earth pony coming up behind him is me. The one with the sort-of spiky, sort-of wavy cream colored mane. No, I am not a mare. I’m just a little on the short side. Yes, I am in fact shorter than that mare coming up alongside me. I find it to be a boon in my line of work.
If you want to know my line of work, keep an eye on me as I come up alongside that pegasus. Now, don’t look away or you’ll miss it. This first part is the hardest part even though it looks easiest. Yes, anypony can open a saddlebag with their mouths, that’s not the point. Look around.
You’ll notice that nopony, particularly not the pegasus in question, has twigged to what I’ve done. This is intermediary pickpacking you’re seeing here. Basic pickpacking involves jostling the pony in question while you make off with their coin purse. Intermediary pickpacking means doing it without anypony knowing anything’s happened at all.
Advanced pickpacking can take a number of forms, from planting something on somepony without them being the wiser, to far more intrusive thefts. Advanced pickpacking is high-risk, though, so it’s best not to even try unless you’ve got a lot of practice under your belt and a real need to use those skills. Now, pay attention, the lesson’s not over yet.
Notice how I come up a little ahead of him, but only by a nose. Watch my tail. Yes, that is a peculiar cutie mark. It’s sort of a blue oval with straight sides on it. It’s a pie pan. The brown dots are crumbs. My talent is taking things, not making them. But eyes on the tail, because here it comes.
There. That little flick of my tail I just gave. Hold on, I’ll run it back in slow motion. There. The way the tip of my tail just brushed against his saddlebags. Look closer and I’ll run it past for you a third time.
Notice how it doesn’t actually brush the side of his saddlebag. It’s brushing between the bag and the flap. Now this is where I pick up my pace just a tiny bit, and presto! One freshly pilfered coin purse, dangling from its strings by my tail. See, I go a bit faster so I can pull it out from under the flap without lifting the flap too much.
Now, I just let it down gently, stop to pick it up, and my prey proceeds on, none the wiser. Of course, all of this isn’t happening right now, or I wouldn’t have been able to go over that dip three times for you. All of this happened the day my life changed. It happened the day my favorite Captain of the Guards returned from his honeymoon with Princess Cadance.
I was in a good mood that day, because Shining Armor presented a real challenge to me. See, I’m not just a pickpack. I’m also a burglar, cutpurse, and all-around sneaky pony. Primarily, though, I’m sort of a spy. I don’t think of myself that way, but that’s a big part of what I do. I keep an eye on Canterlot’s criminal element from within.
I do a lot of thief-type things partly because it’s my talent and the Princesses wouldn’t deny a pony the ability to apply his talent if they can help it. But I also do them so that I can build a reputation among Canterlot’s underground, to better keep an eye on them.
A lot of the time, I’ll use the old “found a purse” dodge, picking someone’s saddlebags, going through their coinpurse, and then trotting up to them to return the “lost” item. That’s what I was doing that day, partly as a way to keep my hoof in, but mostly as a way to burn off excess energy.
I tried to contain my giddiness. I mean, not only was my absolute favoritest nemesis back in town, not only had my recent heist landed a complete featherhead of a pegasus guard in K.P., but I had been summoned before the Princesses, together, at the changing of the guard.
I was so happy, I couldn't keep my hooves to myself. I "found" so many ponies' "dropped" coin purses... I returned them, of course. I was just keeping my hoof in, not hard up for cash or anything. Some of them were a bit light when I found them, so I may have slipped a few extra bits in them before I returned them.
In any event, sunset was rapidly approaching, so I returned my latest "find" and trotted off to the castle. A royal summons could only mean one thing: an assignment! And a summons before both Princesses meant it was gonna be a big one. I did a happy little jig, then let myself in an old, mostly forgotten servants' entrance to the palace.
My favoritest unicorn Captain of the Guard was standing just inside the door, looking very unamused.
"Shiny!" I beamed at him. "Good to have you back, man! This place hasn't been challenging enough without you."
He snorted. "I heard," he said. "Assault, Resisting Arrest, High Treason..."
My grin widened. "Ha! Featherhead McDumbo--"
"Stalwart Heart," corrected Shining Armor without changing expression.
"--didn't even catch on to the High Treason charge! He would have put me in for a two-year slap on the hoof! Oh, how I've missed you!" I leaned in to Shining Armor, glad for his presence. And his presence of mind: the sly devil hadn't brought his coin purse to meet me.
He pushed me away, but I didn't let that bother me. "Come on," he snapped. "Their Highnesses want to see you."
"I know," I said, still giddy. "Oh, speaking of royalty, you're a prince now yourself!" I noogied him. "You sly colt, you!"
He pushed me aside again. "For Celestia's sake, Defty, would you cut it out? I'm on duty! We'll hang out after shift change. You can get me up to speed on things in the city, and then we can hang out, okay? In the meantime, calm down."
I scrambled up a doorframe and into the rafters. "Can't calm down," I admitted. "I got my best enemy back and I'm going ~on assiiiiiiiiiignmennnnnnt~!"
He finally cracked a grin. "We're not enemies," he said. "We're... allied rivals."
"B.R.F.s!" I exclaimed, swinging from a chandelier. "Best Rivals Forever!"
"You are a very weird stallion," he said with a roll of his eyes. "Now come on, we're supposed to meet Cadance for dinner after this."
I dropped to the floor, quivering on my hooves. "We? I get to meet the famous Princess Mi Amore Cadenza herself? In person ? How's my mane?"
"It's not your mane I'm worried about, Deft," grumbled Shining Armor. "It's your manners. Knock it off."
I swept a low bow to him. "Yes, Your Highness!"
"And don't call me that."
I snapped to attention and saluted. "Yes, Sir, Captain Shining Armor, Sir!"
"We're the same rank," he grumbled, but I saw the smile he was trying to hide. Technically, what he said wasn't true. I don't have a rank. But we were equals in one regard: I am at the center of the Equestrian espionage web that encompasses thieves guilds all across the country. They don't know it - I'm not in charge of any of them - but every pickpack, beggar, burglar, and cutpurse works for the Crowns. I report directly to Princess Luna, so in essence I'm "Captain" of the "Royal Canterlot Thieves Guild".
Shiny, of course, had his own network of informants. Members of the Merchants' Guild, most of them more concerned with their own bottom line than with affairs of State, would relay information through town criers. The advent of the printing press some fifty millennia ago (I may be exaggerating here) had rendered town criers obsolete, but they still had their uses to the Crowns.
A lot of merchants actually try to work on both sides of the law. They think they're clever. They think the Guard doesn't know. I think it's hilarious, but Shiny gets his tail in a twist about it. Every once in a while, we have to clean house. I find out who the worst offenders are: Fences who aren't above commissioning jobs instead of just buying merchandise. Barkeeps who act as intermediaries for those who would like something unfortunate to happen to somepony.
I find them, and Shining Armor and his guards take them down based on "an anonymous tip." It's a delicate balance - he has to back up his bust with information from other sources, or ponies will know I have something to do with all this. But between us, we've kept Canterlot as one of the safest cities in a kingdom renowned for being safe to live in.
There are still crimes in Canterlot. You can't have a large city without crime happening, if only because sometimes ponies find themselves in desperate straits. But word is out: there are crimes that are not welcome in the capitol of Equestria. Arsonists are dealt with harshly - fire spreads easily, and could injure or even kill uninvolved ponies. Extortion, assassination, and other violent crimes are dealt with even more expediently. Dealers in illicit substances are often dealt with by the thieves themselves - nopony is more likely to fall prey to them than the poor.
Between Shiny (and his guards) and me (and "my" thieves and beggars), we make sure it's tough to make a dishonest bit in Canterlot (but not too tough: without thieves, we lose a lot of valuable street-level information) and easy to turn over a new leaf. All in all it works out pretty well. Thieves find a way out of the Life, and they end up pretty darn loyal to the Princesses because of it. There's nopony more zealous than a convert.
Shiny kept a suspicious eye on me as we approached the throne room through the servant passages. It was all right for the Night Guard to see me in the palace, but it wouldn't do for the nobility to make the connection. In any case, while Shining Armor's guardsponies knew better than to blow my cover, I...
Well, let's just say I have impulse control issues.
"You're not going to embarrass me in there, are you?"
I contrived to look innocent. As excited as I was, I failed miserably, but I tried, darn it. "Who, me ?"
He rolled his eyes. "All right, get it out of your system."
I did my little happy dance. The hip, young colts call it the shuffle, but in my day we called it the trotting colt. "~I'm going on assignment! I'm going on assignment! I'm going on assi-i-i-i-i-ignment!~"
"Better?"
I grinned. "Better."
"Right," he said, and opened the door to the throne room.
I was flabbergasted. The Princesses had wasted no time getting to the point, and it was even better than an assignment.
"A... a vacation? A really and for-reals vacation?"
"Indeed," said Princess Luna. "You have been seen a bit too often around the city." Hey, what can I say? I get around! "It occurs to Us that an agent of your stature is most useful when anonymous."
"Well," I equivocated, "I do have to stay in touch with my sources."
"Your sources are one thing," put in Princess Celestia. (You're not the boss of me! I thought, mentally sticking my tongue out at her.) "But..."
"Ponies are talking," Princess Luna continued for her. She, on the other hoof, is the boss of me, as I explained before. "Really, Deft, you simply must resist the urge to pilfer everypony's purse the moment the... opportunity..." She trailed off.
I looked up at her, pausing in my self-assigned task of reorganizing and alphabetizing the former contents of the Major Domo's saddlebag. "Um... what was that last part?" I blinked innocently up at her. "Your Highness?"
She rolled her eyes.
"Your most esteemed Majesty?"
She facehoofed.
"She Who Bringeth Forth the Night and all Its Wonders?"
Jabbing a hoof in my direction, she snarled. "That! That right there! Stop that!"
I glanced down at my hooves. "Um, oops? Now where did all these keys come from?" She wasn't buying it.
Princess Celestia cleared her throat. "It is our -- and Our," she added the Royal We for good measure, "considered opinion that Canterlot provides too much temptation for you now that Shining Armor is back from his honeymoon." I grinned at the knowledge that my B.R.F. was back. "So, we have arranged for you to spend some time out of town."
Woohoo! I thought. Las Pegasus here I come!
"We have made further arrangements for your departure tomorrow afternoon, and for your accommodations."
My grin widened. All expenses paid!
"You will be delighted to know you will be staying with family," Princess Luna put in.
My grin began to falter. That might cut down on the fun a bit. I could cancel the self-guided tour of the casino vaults, for one thing.
"And to ensure the smooth running of our network of underworld informants here in Canterlot, arrangements have been made for instant communications between you and myself..." The grin faltered a bit more. This was sounding less and less like Las Pegasus. "...while you are in Ponyville."
That made what was left of my grin vanish. "P... Ponyville?"
I heard a stifled snicker beside me. I looked over and was infuriated. My grin hadn't vanished after all. The traitorous expression had deserted me and taken up residence on Shining Armor's muzzle. When it came back later, I had half a mind to wipe it off my face. That would show it.
"Yes," said Princess Celestia with, I swear I am not making this up, a knowing smirk. "Ponyville. If we need you, we'll send word through Twilight Sparkle. You can send word to us the same way."
"In the interim," Princess Luna put in, forestalling any objection on my part, "it would behoove you to find a stand-in to handle things on this end."
I was in a panic. "What are they thinking?! I can't just tell somepony I work for the Princess!"
"I don't see what the problem is," Shining Armor said as he led me towards his quarters. "Aren't you proud?"
"Immensely," I said. "But still..."
"Didn't you once tell me that Princess Luna is the patroness of your art, as much as any other?"
"Well, yes," I admitted, "but it's sort of an unofficial role."
"Not for you, it isn't," he pointed out.
"Well, and my predecessors," I noted. "But it's one thing to think of Princess Luna providing the night, and another to think of her supporting the sort of furtive nocturnal activities that we use it for."
"How so?"
"Well, the Night Guard work for her, for one thing. You know, the ponies who arrest burglars, cutpurses, and pickpacks?"
"Well, yes. But the Night Guard defer to you because of your position."
"Which nopony is supposed to know about." I frowned. "Wow, after all these years, are you telling me you have zero concept of this? I and my contacts are criminals."
"It's not that," he argued. "What did you say to me when I caught you trying to steal Princess Celestia's regalia a couple of years ago?"
"Um, 'You'll never take me alive'?"
"Not that," he said with an eye roll. "When I asked why you would try something so blatantly impossible."
I grinned. "There's no point thinking about why you can't do something," I recited. "Just think about how you can . Right!"
"Exactly!" he said. "Now, speaking of impossible tasks, let's make you presentable."
It's not that I don't bathe. I do. Every night. But I have an image to maintain. Not in the "what would all the other ponies say" sense - although there's a bit of that. I need to be inconspicuous when I'm moving around amongst the dregs of society. Clean ponies stick out like a sore hoof, so after cleaning up, I take the time to make myself look like I've been out and about all day. And I have one hard and fast rule about bathing: no scented soaps. Scented soaps are for rich ponies.
Shining Armor knows all this. He understands the reasoning behind it. So why would he usher me into his bathroom, and stand outside telling me I wasn't leaving until I was squeaky clean and smelled like lavender? I asked him, but his answer didn't help much.
"Cadance likes the smell of lavender, all right?"
"And the sticker?"
"It's your new cutie mark," he said. "You lucky colt, you get to have a second Cuteceañera!"
"Ha, ha," I grunted. "So what's wrong with my old cutie mark?"
"Nothing," he said, "if you don't mind being seen out on the town with a princess and the Captain of the Guard."
Duh. This whole Ponyville thing must have been really bucking up my chi. "Sorry," I said. "Brainmeats not thunking goodwise."
"Yeah, I'll thunk you if you don't hurry up in there!"
I laughed. "Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!"
While we waited at the restaurant for the bride to show up -- even as a "minor" princess, Cadance has duties to Equestria -- Shiny couldn't stop snickering. At me.
"Oh come on," I said. "I don't look that ridiculous, do I?"
He grinned. "You look fine, bro," he said. "Guard's Honor." Then the rat snickered again.
"Then what's so funny?"
“Nothing,” Shining Armor said. “Nothing at all.” I didn’t believe him, particularly not with that look on his face. “Say, how’s your family doing?”
I shrugged. “Well,” I said, “there’s this new group of colts hanging out at the old textile mill I’ve been keeping an eye on--”
He waved a hoof, interrupting me. “No, no, no, not Family. I mean your actual family. How are they?”
I facehoofed. “Right, of course you did.” Another shrug expressed the extent of my knowledge on that subject. “Well, they’re doing all right, I guess. I think Rhubarb took over that bakery in Manehattan. I kind of fell out of touch after the last Orange family reunion. Why?”
His grin got even wider and more smug. “Oh,” he said, “no reason.”
Before I could figure out what had him looking so much like the cat that got into the cream, the front door of the restaurant opened. I looked up to see who had arrived just as Princess Cadance came in, smiling at her husband and nodding politely to both me and the pink unicorn behind the counter as she made her way over.
A Busman's Holiday In which Deft Hoof used to be a burglar, until he took a pony to the head...
We took our time heading up to the throne room, arguing good-naturedly the whole way.
"I still don't see why you couldn't have picked someone..." Shining Armor struggled to find a tactful way of saying it, so I just cut to the chase.
"Older?"
"Well, yes."
I laughed. "Oh, yeah, that would go over well. 'Hi, I'm Deft Hoof, the Eye of the Moon. The big guy behind me with the mustache? That's my apprentice. Yes, he's a year older than me. He's a little slow.'"
Shiny rolled his eyes. "I just don't see how you jumped from 'find somepony to fill in while you're gone' to 'get an apprentice.'"
I sighed, frowning slightly, then scrambled up to a chandelier totally to focus his attention on me and not at all because he was walking too slow and I was getting bored. Honest. Hanging upside down from the chandelier by my back knees literally turned my frown upside-down, and I grinned. "Come on, Shiny. The whole point of the Eye of the Moon is that nopony's supposed to know about him. Or her. Or it. Oooh! This one time, it was twins , so him, her, it, or them! "
"Nopony except the Princesses, the Night Guard, and a whole slew of advisors, servants, and other ponies," he objected.
"Who will never say a word to anypony," I pointed out. "And since I make sure to steer clear of the ones who can't lie well, the secret is safe!"
"You can't know they won't talk."
I dropped to the floor and fell in beside him again. "Can too," I said. "Because everypony who knows swears an oath to keep the secret. You swore in that waitress, didn't you?"
"Well, yes, but..."
I grinned. "And she will never tell a soul," I said confidently. "There are only five ponies allowed to tell anypony: the Princesses, the Captain of the Royal Canterlot Guard (that's you)..."
"I know that's me."
"...and the Eye of the Moon," I said, climbing onto a wall sconce to pose dramatically. "And that's me!"
"And that's only four ponies," Shiny pointed out. "Who's the fifth?"
"Technically, the apprentice to the Eye of the Moon is also the Eye of the Moon. Everypony has two eyes, right?" I nodded, answering my own question. "Right. Well, barring horrible accidents and such."
"But what about the rest?" he persisted. "How do you know they won't talk?"
I groaned. "It's all wrapped up in smart pony stuff," I admitted. "I'm not real good at that kind of stuff, but basically it comes down to all ponies being fairly decent when you get down to it or something, and the oath uses that to make it so they can't talk? I really don't get how it works, but it does."
"That can't be right," Shiny complained. Whine whine whine. "If everypony was decent, we wouldn't need guards, and I'd be out of a job. I mean, what about that pony last month, the loan shark?"
"Really really really really really deep down," I said. "Like, if his mom missed a payment, he'd only have her roughed up a little bit ."
"Ah," Shiny said with a derisive snort. "A real ponytarian then. Okay, well if the oath is so unbreakable, why not just swear in somepony with some experience?"
"First off," I said, "Shorty's got a lot more experience than you probably even want to think about. Second, just because the oath's unbreakable doesn't mean I want people in the Life to have the info. Even if they can't tell anypony, they can still make it hard for me to do business. Third, I think you'd be better off asking a smart pony about all this stuff, since it's all magical and junk."
"What, just find the smartest pony I can and ask them?"
"Well, yeah!" I said with a grin. "I mean, if you can't trust your family, who can you trust?"
He stopped short, and it took me a moment to realize I'd gotten ahead of him again. "Hay," I said. "You coming, or not?"
"Hold on," he said. "You want me to ask Twilight about this? You want me to, what, swear her in so I can tell her one of my best friends is an infamous thief?"
I shrugged. "Whether you tell her enough to swear her in is your call. I mean, on the one hoof, she's Princess Celestia's Most Faithful Student, bearer of the Element of Magic, and Heroine of the Realm three times over. On the other hoof, I don't know if she can keep a secret."
"You just said the oath was magic."
"Have you ever seen somepony who can't keep a secret when they were trying to?"
"Ah." He nodded. "I see your point. I'll have to think about how much to tell her. I've always felt bad about keeping secrets from her."
"Well," I said, "think about it later. Right now, I'm missing the fun! I want to see the look on your face when we get there and Shorty's still on the loose." I broke into a canter, leading the way to the throne room and laughing.
"No way!" Shiny was hot on my heels. "He's just a colt, and I've got ten of my best ponies in there tonight."
"Five bits says they ain't got him yet."
"You're on!" With that, we broke into a gallop.
We could hear the throne room before we came within sight of the doors. It sounded like this:
CRASH tinkle tinkle "THAT BUST WAS A GIFT TO OUR SISTER!" atonal piano sounds "THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT AN EXPENSIVE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT!" muffled thuds "NOT THE STATUE!" ENORMOUS CRASH "STOP CROWDING EACH OTHER! ARE YOU GUARDSPONIES OR HOOFBALL PLAYERS?!"
I giggled. "You owe me five bits!" I called back to Shiny, then galloped towards the throne room at full tilt.
Shiny stumbled a bit in surprise. "Defty, what in the hay are you doing?"
"I can't let him have all the fun! I wanna play, too!" With that, I burst into the throne room, adding my own presence to an already chaotic situation.
Shorty had climbed up on top of a stylized ebony statue of Princess Luna, which apart from color was an exact match for the statues of Princess Celestia one can find all over the palace. Briefly, I wondered what it was doing there, as I knew the princess loathed it. More importantly, though, the statue was surrounded by a group of eight guardponies - an even split of unicorn and earth ponies - and was wobbling slightly.
The other two ponies, both pegasi, were in the process of extricating themselves from a tapestry I'd also never seen in the throne room before. Apparently Shorty had dropped the tapestry on them in order to maintain the high ground. I couldn't have been prouder if I'd trained him myself.
Also, I began to realize that Princess Luna had set the throne room up specifically for the Stealing the Moon rite.
Shorty was doing fantastically. "Shorty!" I called out to him. "Shining Armor's right on my heels! Toss me the crown and get out of here!"
He didn't hesitate. He just cocked his head back and flung the crown at me as hard as he could. I had to jump to catch it, but I couldn't fault him for overshooting under the circumstances. As soon as I had the crown, all eyes were on me, except for his, Princess Luna's, and Shiny's. Well, and mine, of course. I had my eye on the statue of Princess Celestia opposite the Luna statue Shorty was on. The wobbly Luna statue... I began to get an idea, based on a story I'd heard after the last Grand Galloping Gala.
Before I could put the nebulous plan into action, Shorty's voice cried out from just outside the throne room door. "I'm pinched! Run for it, Deft Hoof!"
I looked over at the door, where an annoyed looking Shining Armor came trotting back into the room. Behind him, suspended in midair in one of Shiny's force-fields, was a frightened but determined Short Shanks. Shiny glared at me, mouthing the words 'I want to play too?! ' I shrugged.
With the culprit caught, all eyes fell on me. The guards, having experienced my antics in the past, eyed me warily, unsure if the chase was over. I briefly considered making a break for it, which would technically make Shorty the first to successfully Steal the Moon since the legendary Midnight Shadow all those hundreds of years ago. The look in Shiny's eyes promised humiliations beyond imagining if I tried it, however.
I trotted towards Princess Luna, head held high, and, laying the crown at her hooves, knelt before her. Behind me, I could hear jaws dropping. Shorty no doubt felt betrayed by this turn of events - I had when it had happened to me - and everypony else (apart from the Princess herself) was doubtless shocked to see me behaving so formally. But, as I'd explained to Shiny, Stealing the Moon was an ancient, sacred tradition, and although mostly it was anything but solemn, it had its moments. Two of them. This was the first, but not the most important one.
"My Princess," I said, "I present to you Short Shanks of the Lost Colts of Canterlot, in the hope that he meets Your approval for apprenticeship to the Eye of the Moon."
Shining Armor deposited Shorty on his hooves beside me, then took up a position behind the foal in case he bolted. While he'd never participated in the ritual before, he was a quick study and had done it exactly right. Shorty trembled in unabashed terror. I remembered that feeling all too well from my own time in his horseshoes.
"What are you waiting for?" I whispered to him. "Go give your Princess her crown back!"
He swallowed his fear, along with the lump in his throat, then delicately picked up the crown in his teeth. He was hesitant at first, his knees wobbling like pudding - I wondered idly if there would be pudding available from the kitchens - but he made his way up to the throne.
When he couldn't fight the terrified clenching of his jaw to release the crown, Princess Luna was forced to pull it out of his mouth with her magic, startling a whinney from the young colt. As soon as she had the crown, which she floated up gracefully to rest before her horn as usual with dignified silence, Shorty's nerve failed him and he scrambled back to hide behind me.
The Princess indicated the carnage with an inclusive wave of her wing. "Approve?" she said. "You wish to know if We approve?"
Oh, no, I thought. You're not baiting me. You know darned well he's perfect for the post. I kept my expression neutral. "Yes, Your Highness," was all I said.
She grinned. "That was one of the more successful attempts at Stealing the Moon in... well... let Us just say quite a long time, and leave it at that. Of course We approve!" Her expression darkened slightly. "It grieves Us that We had to force your hoof in this, Deft Hoof. Also, that you arrived when you did. A few moments more, and that accursed statue would have been fit for the rockery it deserves." She shrugged, then fixed her imposing gaze on the trembling foal behind me. "Short Shanks, stand forth!"
He swallowed another lump in his throat, then moved out from behind me.
"I presume nopony has told you why you are here tonight."
"No, yer Majersty," Shorty said, his accent thickening as he grew more nervous. "On'y Deft 'Oof sez 'e as a job fer me, Business-like, an' I asked 'im if it were a big job an' 'e sez it was the biggest." He looked at me, then back at the Princess. "So that... wot, woz that a joke on me?"
"It was no joke," the Princess answered. "Deft Hoof, as Our Eye, has the biggest job of any thief in Equestria. He has chosen you to succeed him, and judging by your performance tonight, both with regards to the theft itself and your concern for your collaborator, he has chosen well. If you accept this position, you will swear Oath to me by the Elements of Harmony, and you will from that point forward be Deft Hoof's apprentice and an Eye of the Moon in your own right."
Shorty nodded. "Begging your Highness's pardon," he said, "but what about me Colts?"
"That," she said, "would be between yourself and Deft Hoof."
I shook my head. "I'd like him to continue keeping an eye on them," I said. "If he were to distance himself, they'd start asking questions, and I've noticed he takes a sort of older brother role to them anyway, which is good for them."
The Princess nodded. "Indeed," she said. "So, Short Shanks, knowing that by doing so you will one day be responsible for the care and oversight of ponies like yourself, will you take Oath as Our Eye and begin your apprenticeship under Deft Hoof?"
Shorty grinned. "Sounds a treat, Yer Highness."
She blinked. "Is that a yes?"
I laughed. "That's a yes, Your Highness."
"Then, repeat after me: I, Short Shanks..."
"Um, begging your Highness' pardon," interrupted Shiny, "but I'm sure Short Shanks isn't his real name."
The Princess looked taken aback. "Deft Hoof, have you never told Captain Shining Armor about this rite?" I shook my head. "In that case," she said, "know this, Shining Armor: the name used in the oath is the name by which the pony is known among the street ponies he or she moves among. It is more meaningful, and the oath more binding, that way."
Shorty nodded, and began to recite the oath, line by line:
He didn't falter. He didn't stammer, or trip over any of the words. I was so proud.
"Then We accept you as Eye of the Moon," said Princess Luna. "From this point forward, Short Shanks, you will be apprentice to Deft Hoof in all matters regarding the position. He is to be your Master in all regards until such time as you are ready to claim Mastery yourself."
Shorty nodded, beaming with pride, and as he did, I caught a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As the solemn parts of the ceremony were over, I jabbed Shiny in the ribs. "Hey, Shiny," I said.
"What?" he hissed.
"Remember when I said 'let's go scare the cutie mark onto my new apprentice'?"
He looked at Short Shanks and broke into a startled laugh.
Princess Luna, no doubt feeling left out by this exchange, stomped a hoof. "Well?" she bellowed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Did We not order the kitchens to prepare a festive feast? We demand cake! And punch!"
"And pudding!" I piped up. Everypony looked at me.
"You heard the Princess," snapped Shining Armor. "You four," he said to the earth pony guards, "get down to the kitchens and bring back that food!" They snapped off salutes and scrambled for the door. "And make sure the cake has the colt's cutie mark on it!"
Short Shanks blinked, then turned around to stare at the picture adorning his flank: A crescent moon framed by a stone arch window. He grinned even wider, and kept touching his flank, as though expecting the mark to vanish.
"And you ," Shiny said to the two pegasi, "get this mess cleaned up! How can we have a party if the room is already a wreck?" The pegasi and unicorns turned to the task, but Shiny wasn't done. "Not you four," he said. "Parties are for ponies who do their best. Short Shanks gets to party. The Princess gets to party. Deft Hoof and I get to party. You four get to stand guard outside." He rolled his eyes. "And while you are out there, I want you to spend the time reciting 'I am a unicorn, and my horn is not for ramming' until I tell you to stop!"
The unicorns, looking a little mutinous, headed outside.
"Isn't that a little harsh?" I asked.
"You heard the Princess," he said. "They're guardponies, not hoofball players." I frowned, and he sighed. "I'll save them some cake, all right? But not an edge piece. They don't get extra frosting."
"Not a cutie mark piece either, eh?" suggested Shorty.
"Of course not," said Shiny, patting him on the back. To Short Shanks' credit, he only flinched a little. "Those are all yours."
Princess Luna grinned. "Ah, I do love a good party," she said. "A chance to let my mane down and just spend time with my little ponies. But as your time in Canterlot is limited, Deft Hoof, shouldn't you spend some of it teaching your apprentice?"
I nodded. "Hey, Shorty, memory test."
"Fire away, sir," he said.
"Don't call me 'sir.'"
"Yes, sir."
"Oh," laughed Shiny, "he'll fit in just fine."
"In Lost Town, there's a stone in the wall near a dark corner that's bigger than all the others."
"The oblongish one with all the writing on it?"
"That's the one," I said with a grin. "What's it say?"
"It sez 'Shining Armor is a fi--'"
"Whoa!" I cut him off. "No no no, the opposite corner from that one!"
Shining Armor leaned past Shorty to glare at me. "Wait, I want to hear about this other stone. Shining Armor is a what?"
I chuckled weakly. "Well," I said, "I may have, and you have to remember this is back when I was just another dip and you were just another guard pony on the marketplace beat, well, I may have held the teeniest, tiniest little grudge against you. Not even a grudge. A grudgelet. A proto-grudge. If that." I smiled. "But that's all in the past and we're B.R.F.s now and everything and there's no point in bringing up old stuff and I'm kind of in the middle of doing something here."
He stepped around Shorty and butted heads with me so that his horn was pressing uncomfortably on my crown as he continued to glare at me. "Shining Armor," he said slowly, "is a what? "
"Um," I stalled, "well, I mean it's been such a long time, you can't honestly expect me to remember something I wrote in a fit of pique all those years ago, can you?"
"Yes," he said. "Yes I can. You had a good memory back then, and you've been training your memory ever since, so I know you remember every detail of that place. Don't tell me you can't even remember the rest of the next word."
"Drawing a complete blank," I lied.
"I'll help you," Shiny said. "Shining Armor is a ffff..."
"Fine, upstanding example of a guard," I said. "Of course, among thieves, that's the worst insult imaginable."
"Shining Armor is a ffffiiiiiiiiii..."
"Fizzler, all right? It says 'Shining Armor is a fizzler!' Happy now?"
Three seconds later, as I was suspended upside down, with my head and neck outside the forcefield holding me up, and my body and legs inside it, I decided I'd been too kind in my choice of epithets back then. I pointedly ignored Shiny and his smug grin, and returned my attention to Short Shanks. "What's in the opposite corner?" I asked, behaving as though nothing unusual was happening at all.
"The Rules," he said. "The Rules all the street ponies live by."
I nodded. "Those rules are posted in various places in every city in Equestria large enough to have Brothers in it," I said. "Those rules are the reason the Eyes of the Moon exist. I want you, while I'm gone, to make sure you always abide by them. I want you to keep your eyes peeled and your ear to the ground. You know what kind of information I pay you foals for. Now you know why it's important I get that information. So you keep an ear open, you move around like normal, and you let me know if anything requires immediate attention."
"Let you know how?"
"The Princesses have set up a way to communicate while I'm out of town," I said. "So all you have to do is get to the castle."
"Wot, just trot in like some sort of society pony?"
"You could do that," I said, "if you want everypony to know you work for the Crowns. Alternatively, you can do it the easy way and get arrested."
"You what now?"
"Oh, yeah," I said. "It's easier to get away with when you're a young colt. You can talk about how they let you go on account of your young age and everypony will believe it and laugh about how gullible the Princesses are--"
"Hey!" objected Princess Luna. "We are not gullible. We simply care about Our little ponies." She tilted her head. "Celestia, on the other hoof..."
It may seem frivolous, telling jokes and partying as part of an ancient and sacred ritual, but it serves a very important purpose. The Eye of the Moon must be confident in his or her right to speak to the Princess. Deference is all well and good for normal ponies, but an agent provocateur must be confident. The personal agent of Princess Luna must be able to speak with her, if not as equals, then as an employee to an employer, rather than a common pony to a Princess.
So we partied through most of the night. The party may have gotten out of hoof at some point. There was a lot of sugar. I'm not saying it definitely happened, but I might have claimed the buffet table in the name of the New Lunar Republic, and offered to defend it against all comers. I may even have been trounced by the ranking representative of the opposing Solar Empire. That's his story anyway.
Eventually, though, the party had to end. Princess Luna still had responsibilities to take care of before she lowered the moon. Short Shanks had to get back to his Lost Colts - we helped him "steal" some cheese stuffed bread and other easily portable foods to assuage his guilt about leaving them out of the celebration - and get some rest before a busy day of mingling with street ponies. And I had packing to do.
Hesitant hoofsteps clip-clop their way along a back alley. They aren't hesitant for the reason most ponies would avoid a dimly lit, narrow alley such as this. He knows exactly who he might encounter. What he does not know, what is eating away at his gut, is how they will react to the news he brings.
"Come on," he tells himself. "This is your family. Just go talk to them."
Adjusting the jury-rigged knapsack on his shoulder, he continues, more confident, back to Lost Town.
"Oi!" somepony shouts. "Shanks is back!" Grazer, he thinks. Trust Grazer to be the first on hoof when there's food in the offing.
Immediately, his Lost Colts are clustered around him. Though young, he's the oldest among the dozen-or-so blank flank street colts. "Well?" "How'd it go?" "What was the job?" "Do I smell cheese bread?"
"Hey!" says Bright Eyes, a young pegasus filly who, while not a Lost Colt, spent enough time around Lost Town to be considered a part of the Family. "You got your cutie mark!"
Shanks holds up a hoof for silence, and he gets it. "Lost Colts," he says, "have I got news for you!"
He'll have to make them all swear the oath, he realizes, but if you can't trust your Family, who can you trust?
Naturally, Shiny couldn't meet me at Canterlot Station to see me off. He sent one of his guard ponies to "intimidate" me as I left, providing me with the opportunity to pick his saddlebags for my spending allowance and letters from Shining Armor and both Princesses. If anypony found the sight of a guard pony wearing saddlebags in full uniform odd, nopony said anything.
After being suitably defiant towards the guard, I boarded the Friendship Express and was headed off to Ponyville. I settled into my private cabin - I put my stipend, along with whatever bits I get from "legitimate" burglary and pickpacking, to good use - and pulled out the letters.
First, a blue scroll with the black seal of Princess Luna. My Princess always gets preferential treatment from me.
Dear Orange Meringue,
I know you feel this trip is a waste of time. As I mentioned at the ceremony last night (just a few minutes ago as I write this), one of the reasons for it was to force you to pick an apprentice, as you ought to have done even prior to my return to Equestria.
Enough of that. I am not blaming you. I understand that despite your antics, you take your responsibilities seriously, and that you are always thinking of the poor little ponies living rough in the streets, not only in Canterlot, but in Manehattan, Stalliongrad, Las Pegasus, and other cities as well.
It was for that reason that Ponyville was chosen as your destination. There is nopony there who needs your unique services, and you will truly be able to relax. I have been told of your desire to vacation in Las Pegasus (and of what you would like to do while there), and while I cannot find fault with your desire to 'cut loose' as the young ponies say, and to keep your skills at their peak by challenging the admittedly formidable security arrangements there, I fear that such a trip would quickly involve you in local events in an official capacity, regardless of what my sister and I tell you.
I have always admired the way my Eyes honor the oath they have taken, and how each of them - even those who served while I was not around to support them - put the little ponies before Equestria proper, and put Equestria before me, as the oath specifies. Unfortunately, such attention to the details of your oath would keep you from taking care of the one pony who most needs your care: yourself.
Always remember that by taking care of your own needs, you ensure you will be able to take care of your responsibilities.
Enjoy your stay in Ponyville. It is a lovely town, with delightful ponies. While you are there, please convey my sincere eagerness to participate in the Nightmare Night celebrations next year, especially to a little Trottingham foal named Pipsqueak.
Your Princess, and Friend, Luna of Equestria
P.S.: Though short lived, your conquest of the Table of Plenty will go down in history as the first conquest of the New Lunar Republic, and the vile, unprovoked assault by the forces of the Solar Empire shall not go unavenged.
I chuckled a bit, wondering what sort of vengeance my Princess had planned. It didn't take long to find out, as the next letter I opened was on pure white parchment with the golden seal of the Sun Princess on it.
Deft Hoof,
As my sister has no doubt told you, one of the reasons we determined you should go to Ponyville was our mutual fear that any city of sufficient size to have a population of street ponies would prove too tempting to your sense of justice. I can't tell you how proud that knowledge makes me: that you should care for what some would call the least of my little ponies so much that you put yourself in danger for their sakes time and again.
It is important, however, to take care of yourself. Luna and I expect to hear from you regularly, most likely complaining about the lack of fit entertainment, but I trust you will find your time with the ponies of Ponyville both enlightening and relaxing, which you very much need.
I think you will find you have much in common with my faithful student Twilight Sparkle and her friends, especially the bearers of the Elements of Loyalty and Laughter, and, whether you believe it or not, your distant cousin, the bearer of the Element of Honesty.
I nearly dropped the letter. It had entirely slipped my mind that the Oranges and the Apples were related. That made me, if I remembered my family tree correctly, fifth cousins with the Ponyville Apples of my generation. Surely that wasn't who the Princesses expected me to stay with? A bunch of farm ponies only barely related to me by the slimmest of margins? But then it occurred to me that it was just the sort of thing Equestria's diarchs would find amusing.
So not only would I be spending my vacation among relatives, they would be up-at-dawn, work-all-day farm ponies. And one of them was the embodiment and bearer of the Element of Honesty. I was sure a three-time heroine of the realm like Applejack would put up with no shenanigans, and particularly would not give me an opportunity to practice my skills.
The mystery of Shining Armor's smug attitude the night before solved, I turned back to the letter.
In the thousand years I have overseen the office of Eye of the Moon in my sister's stead, I have noted that each have chosen their apprentices for far more than just the skills needed to perform their duties. There is, in each of you, a core of Honesty that guides your actions more than the capricious whims that seem at first glance to drive you. It is because of that core that you work yourselves so hard.
I will end this letter before it delves into the melancholy it seems to be heading to. Before I do, however, I must ask why it is that my sister is stalking me with a water balloon and muttering incoherently about my violations of the sovereign territory in the land of Buffet.
Shining Armor's report clearly indicates that your actions on behalf of the New Lunar Republic were belligerent, and that he was merely acting in defense of the indigenous muffins of the Southern Table Steppes. Hopefully, your warlike ways will not manifest in Ponyville.
Sincerely, Princess Celestia of Equestria Sovereign of the Sun, , I really ought to see about divesting myself of some of these titles.
I grinned. She would never bring herself to lose a single title the ponies of Equestria saddled her with, if only because she would feel it insulted those who sought to honor her if she did so.
Last was a brief note from Shining Armor.
Defty, You'll be happy to know I took your advice, and wrote Twiley to get her explanation of the Oath. I figure the more I know about it, the more I'll be able to help you defend Equestria.
I know both Princesses have told you this, but I'm sure they didn't say so directly: You are not going to Ponyville to work. You need a break, and you will take it. Celestia knows I'm a lot less stressed myself since the Princesses gave Cadance and I permission to extend our honeymoon. I swear, if I hear word one about you leaping into action in Ponyville, no matter how dire the situation, I will ensure that Applejack finds out exactly what you do for a living.
Stay healthy, and as sane as somepony like you can manage.
I frowned. Not only did his letter confirm that Shining Armor had known exactly where I would be staying, everypony seemed to think I was some sort of selfless hero, not a totally awesome larger-than-life burglar extraordinaire. Well, I'd show them! I'd come back so relaxed they'd keep having to check my pulse!
I decided to get started right away by taking a nap.
"Ponyville! Last stop!"
I snorted, dragging myself awake. Somehow, I had ended up in the luggage rack, my hooves dangling through the webbing that was supposed to support my suitcase. The suitcase, on the other hoof, was taking up my spot on the seat below. I decided it had ousted me and that, being the gentlecolt I am, I merely took its place and allowed it the more comfortable seating arrangement.
The alternative, that I was so used to climbing around high, cramped spaces that I would wedge myself into one in my sleep, spoke to things in all three letters that I refused to acknowledge as a possibility.
It didn't take long to get out of there, anyway - at least not for me. I found myself greeted on the platform of Ponyville Station by a quartet of vaguely familiar-looking ponies.
Apples are pretty easy to pick out of a crowd. They have a sort of simplicity to them that may make them seem like bumpkins, but I knew it was because they were, at heart, straightforward sorts. Granny Smith (Great Aunt Smith to me, though I remembered her insistence at the big Apples and Oranges Family Mixer on being referred to by the more familiar name) looked exactly as I remembered her.
To her right was a big burly stallion I knew had to be Big Macintosh. Even as a colt, he'd been bigger than even those of the rest of us who were closer to his age. Now, though, there was no question he'd grown into his name. Even away from the farm, he wore a big, heavy-looking yoke on his broad red shoulders.
On Granny Smith's other side was a little yellow filly with a red mane and tail and a big pink bow. While she didn't look familiar in the "I've seen this pony before" sense, she still looked very much like an Apple.
And in front of them, wearing a brown stetson and a big, friendly grin, was the mare I most dreaded seeing. Applejack, bearer of the Element of Honesty, would make life difficult for me any time the topic of what I did for a living was even hinted at. How do you lie to somepony like that? After less than a second, her grin changed to a sort of startled gasp.
"Boy howdy," she drawled. "When Twah told me Princess Celestia wanted me ta play host ta one o' mah Orange cousins, Ah shore did not picture you, Orange Meringue!"
I blinked. That she remembered my name, and apparently positively, jogged my memory. "A.J.? I always wondered what that stood for!" I laughed. "Wow, I can't believe I didn't realize it was you! You still do all those super-cool rope tricks?"
She smirked, crossing her hooves in an obviously practiced "casual" pose. "Shoot, Ah done learned a whole mess o' better ones. Y'all still do that thar slight-o'-hoof stuff?"
I grinned. "And then some," I said, which hopefully would be as close as I would have to come to saying what I really did for a living. "Hay, that reminds me. You promised me you'd teach me some rope tricks if I taught you some card tricks."
"Heck," A.J. said, "Ah'll teach anypony wants ta learn, Sugarcube." She indicated the rest of her family. "Ah'm sure y'all remember Big Macintosh, since y'all spent so much time followin' him around that day. An' everypony knows Granny Smith, Ah reckon. This here little filly's Apple Bloom. Say hi ta yer fifth cousin Orange Meringue, Apple Bloom!"
"Howdy!" the littlest Apple chirped. She had the same Apple family drawl, and the same straightforward, outgoing personality as the rest of her family. She looked at my flank unabashedly, but I wasn't too bothered by it. No doubt she was at that age when she was so desperate for a cutie mark that everypony else's becomes an inspiration. I'd have to be careful. "Huh, Ah kinda figured you'd have an orange for a cutie mark, not a... is that a empty swimming pool?"
I laughed. "Well," I said, "you're closer than most. It's an empty--" I didn't get the chance to finish the sentence.
Behind me, I heard an immensely cheerful voice shouting "MERRY! " but before I could turn to see if I was right about who it was - only one pony had ever called me Merry, and the thought of running into her here as well was staggering - I heard an entirely different sound.
Two skulls colliding sounds disconcertingly like a pair of coconuts doing the same. As one of those skulls was mine, that was the last I was aware of for quite some time, other than darkness.
A Busman's Holiday In which Deft Hoof makes a little filly cry...
"Okay," I said to the others as Twilight hauled the changeling drones back into Lost Town. "That seems like that all wrapped up."
"More or less," said Shining Armor. "I can't imagine the Lost Colts not needing to talk to someone about their ordeal, though."
"Well, naturally," Twilight said. "They've been through a traumatic experience."
"Good luck getting them to admit it," I said. "Hang on, I'm missing something important."
"What's that, Defty?"
I turned to Shining Armor. "Didn't you say there was a paddy--"
The rest of the sentence went unsaid. In mid-stride, the world faded away to nothingness.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I found myself in a large, ornate chamber. It resembled the Canterlot throne room, except that the ivory pillars had been replaced with ebony, and where there would be images of Celestia's sun cutie mark, or of the Two Sisters, there were mother-of-pearl crescent moons.
"What just happened? Where am I?"
"Exactly where you were, Deft Hoof," my Princess replied from the darkness around me. "As Celestia's Captain of the Guard sent for a paddy wagon to pick up the changelings, I judged this a safe time to contact you."
"Wait, so you just made me fall asleep? "
The darkness ahead of me coalesced into the form of Princess Luna, who smiled down at me. "Well, I am the Princess of the Night and of Dreams, am I not?"
"Okay," I said. "Was... there something you needed?"
"I simply wished to confirm that the situation was stable before we arrived."
"Oh, yes," I said. "You might need more than one paddy wagon, though. There's a pretty big group of changelings to pick-- wait, did you say 'we'?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"...think he's waking up." That sounded like Twilight Sparkle talking.
"Merry?"
"Hi, Meanie," I grumbled. "Why am I face down on the floor?"
"You sort of just fell," Rainbow Dash chimed in.
"I just fell?"
"Yuppers! One minute you were all talking and happy and the next, BOOM! You fell right on your face!"
"Great," I said. "I don't suppose anyone else saw me fall flat on my face?" I looked around. There around me were Twilight Sparkle, Meanie, A.J., Rainbow Dash, Shining Armor, and Freeze Pop, and none of them would meet my gaze. "Wonderful."
"You okay, buddy?"
I waved off Shiny's concerns. "Fine," I said. "Never better."
"Adrenaline crash can be pretty sudden," Twilight said, having picked the most rational explanation for my observed behavior. "If you're sure you're all right...?"
"I'm fine ," I repeated. "There was something, though."
"Something?"
I nodded. "Something important." I shook my head, trying to clear up my muddy thought processes. "Argh, I swear, it's right on the tip of my tongue!"
While I racked my brains, trying to remember whatever had slipped my mind, Lost Town erupted in sound and light.
"Behold, Lost Colts! Thy Princess of the Night hath arrived!"
"Oh, right," I said. "Princess Luna is on... was on her way here with the paddy wagons."
"Silly," Meanie piped up, "she's right there!"
I hadn't needed her to point Luna out to me, of course. Everyone in Lost Town was staring right at her. I shook off the remainder of my sleep-induced fuzziness and galloped up to her.
"Ah, Deft Hoof. I see you were not exaggerating the need for more transport." She looked around. "Nevertheless, as changeling hives go, this is quite a small one."
"Is it?" I shrugged. "I haven't had a lot of experience with them. Just the swarm that attacked during Shiny's wedding and this one. I guess the usual size is somewhere in between?"
"Indeed." She stood forward. "Where is the queen of this hive?"
I scanned the room. All of the changelings had been rounded up by Twilight's magic, and she'd conveniently separated them into two groups. The drones were larger than the regular changelings, with shorter horns. If the queen had any distinguishing characteristics, I certainly didn't see them.
"Do you mean Chrysalis?" Shining Armor said, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.
"Nay, Shining Armor. Queen Chrysalis may be the acknowledged Queen of the Changelings, but each changeling hive within her kingdom has its own queen. They may be identified by their crest and their eyes."
"Crest?" I shook my head, taking another look around the old textile mill.
"Changeling queens," Twilight Sparkle explained, "have a small crest at the base of their horn that looks like a crown. Also, their eyes are green with slit pupils instead of multifaceted, and they are the only changelings who grow a mane and tail."
"Um," a quiet voice said from off to one side. I looked around for the source of it, but my search was interrupted.
"How do you know that?" Rainbow Dash asked suspiciously, edging away from her.
While Rainbow Dash squared off to possibly face down a changeling queen, I heard that same "um" a second time.
"Honestly, Rainbow Dash, did you think I wouldn't study up on them after what happened at my brother's wedding?"
Rainbow at least had the decency to look chagrined. "Oh, right," she said. "Sorry, Twi."
"No problem."
"Could we maybe get back on topic?" Applejack put in before the apologies continued. "If'n Princess Luna's right, we've still got one changeling unaccounted for!"
"Everypony?" I said, raising a hoof.
"What's up, Orange Meringue?" Applejack said. "Y'all got an idea?"
"No," I said, "but unless I miss my guess, I think Fluttershy does."
Everypony turned to her expectantly. "I... I think I heard something just before Princess Luna got here," she said. "Coming from in there." She pointed at the office with her wing.
* * * * *
Shining Armor, Applejack, Twilight, Meanie and I stood by the office door, while Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Princess Luna, and Freeze Pop hovered overhead.
"That sounds like..." said Shining Armor.
"Can't be," I said. If there's one hard and fast rule when dealing with monsters, villains, and other Enemies of the State, it's that bad guys don't cry.
"The poor dear," Fluttershy said.
"It's a trick," I said. "It has to be."
Shining Armor nudged me in the side. "So, open it up and let's find out."
I pushed down on the handle with a hoof, but it didn't budge. "It's locked."
I turned towards the others, who were, to a pony, giving me the flattest gaze imaginable. "And...?" Freeze Pop said, crossing her forehooves expectantly.
Applejack smirked. "If'n yer sayin' ya can't open it..."
I turned on her. "Who's saying that?! I never said I couldn't open it! It's just..."
"What?"
"Everypony's watching."
Someone giggled. I glared at Shining Armor, but he gave me a very clear "It wasn't me" look. I looked around, but nopony else looked like they were amused, either. Frustrated, yes. Amused? Not so much. I glared at the door.
"Oh," I said, "so that's how it's going to be, is it?" I brushed a hoof through my mane, then picked up the lockpicks I'd dislodged from it in doing so. "All right, then." (To be fair, I'm not one of those ponies who can talk clearly with something in my mouth, so what came out was more like "wull rot ven".)
In moments, I had the door unlocked, and pushed it open. "Think it's okay to laugh at ponies, huh?" I burst into the room like an avenging angel. "Think it's okay to foalnap a bunch of colts under my protection?!" The rest of my speech trailed off into nothing. We'd found the queen of the hive, all right. She was no bigger than my little cousin Applebloom, and was cowering in a corner.
"Orange Meringue Pie, you should be ashamed of yourself!" I whirled around in shock. I was half expecting to see my mother there, ready to go into full lecture mode. Instead, what I saw was completely unexpected. Quiet, unassuming Fluttershy was marching into the office after me, glaring at me. "Yelling at a poor, defenseless baby like that!"
"Defenseless?!" I said. "She's a changeling! She's probably faking it anyway!" As soon as I said it, the changeling filly burst into tears again.
Fluttershy ruffled her feathers at me and continued glaring. I looked around for a place to hide, but the office had been stripped of anything resembling furniture years ago. I was stuck there. I was stuck, and Fluttershy continued. "So she's a changeling," she said. "That doesn't mean she's not a little filly! And here you come, barging in here when she's scared and all alone and you start yelling at her!"
"She was going to kidnap you!"
"Just because she was wrong doesn't make you right."
I stopped to think about that, and Fluttershy trotted over to the changeling. "It's all over now," she said soothingly.
The changeling looked up at her, sniffling. "C-can I go?"
"I am afraid not," Princess Luna said from the door. "Filly or not, you have much to answer for."
The changeling nodded, hanging her head. "I guess so," she said.
"What I don't understand," Twilight Sparkle put in, "was what the heck you were hoping to accomplish with all of this!"
The changeling filly reared up, and Fluttershy took a step back hesitantly. "I didn't really have a plan, okay?!" The changeling began pacing back and forth. "I was all alone in a big city, and Short Shanks took me in, so I thought maybe things would be okay. But then all these other changelings showed up, and they needed a home, too, and I couldn't tell everypony I was a changeling, and they were all looking to me to be a queen and the ponies were expecting me to be their friend and I didn't know what to do!" She started crying again. "All I knew was that a whole bunch of changelings in Canterlot was gonna be a problem, especially if you guys got involved," she jabbed a holey hoof at Twilight Sparkle at that, and continued, "so I sent some of them off to Ponyville to see if they could keep you from finding out about us, and then even more changelings started showing up, and they were all looking to me to do what Chrysalis couldn't, and one thing led to another, and now you're all mad at me and Short Shanks'll never want to see me again and--"
"Wait, hold up," I said. "What was that about Shorty?"
"More importantly, why did you want the Elements of Harmony?" said Twilight Sparkle.
The changeling shook her head. "I didn't want the Elements," she said. "I just wanted to keep you guys from messing everything up any more than it already was!"
"What was that about Shorty?"
"But I guess things were already way messed up before I sent those changelings to Ponyville anyway."
I darted in and seized the changeling by the shoulders. "What was that about Shorty?!" I demanded. Behind me, Fluttershy scolded me again, but I'd gotten through this time.
"I said he'll never want to see me again," she said forlornly.
"Why does that matter?"
"Orange Meringue, there's no need to be mean," Fluttershy said.
"I'm not being mean!" I snapped. I took a breath to calm down, then took a step back from the changeling. "I'm not trying to be mean," I said again, more calmly. "This is important. Why does it matter what Shorty thinks of you?"
"Because," she said. "Changelings need love to live. I had that. I had better than that. Short Shanks was..."
Twilight nodded. "He was a friend, wasn't he?"
The changeling nodded in return. "Yeah," she said.
"It felt good having a friend," I said. "Didn't it?"
She smiled wistfully. "Yeah," she said again.
"Deft Hoof," said Luna warningly, "what are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking it would be cruel to imprison this changeling with the others," I said. "They clearly put too many demands on such a young... bug... pony... thing."
"Indeed," said Luna. "I shall have to verify the young changeling's story, but..."
"It sounded unrehearsed," I said, "but I concede the point. If she's telling the truth--"
"I am! " the changeling said with all the indignation of youth.
"If she is telling the truth," I repeated, "we still can't let her roam around unsupervised."
Behind me, Shining Armor made a sound somewhere between a groan of resignation and a happy sort of "um". "He's right," he said. "Princess Luna, it would be in the best interests of all concerned if someone with authority were to step in and take the young lady in hoof."
"Exactly," I said.
"Are you suggesting," Princess Luna said, "that after all this, we give this changeling exactly what she wants?"
"Um," I said. "More or less?"
She snorted. "You," she said, "are a complete pushover when it comes to foals."
"Guilty as charged, Your Highness," I said, sweeping a low bow.
"I'm afraid I cannot allow it," Luna said. "As responsible as he is, Short Shanks cannot be expected to keep an eye on a rogue changeling, nor would I expect it of him so soon after his ordeal."
I nodded. "You have a fair point," I said.
She smiled. "Well," she said, "I am older than you by a few orders of magnitude. These things come with experience."
"Okay," I said, "so what do you think we should do?"
"She will have to be put under guard," Luna said.
"Understood, Your Highness," Shining Armor said, snapping off a salute. "I'll make the assignment personally."
"No, Shining Armor," Luna said. "Thank you. But I believe this is a situation that could best be handled by one of my own honor guard."
"Batponies," I explained.
"We know , Orange Meringue," Twilight said.
"So... is that it, then?" I looked around. "Everything resolved more-or-less to everyone's satisfaction?"
Meanie popped up in front of me from... I looked around. There was still no cover in the room, so I have no idea where she popped up from. "No way!" she said. "There's still one thing left!"
I'll give you three guesses what the "one thing" was, and the first two don't count.
