Starburned

by Between Lines

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3302

(kilalaverse) For Starburst, being a royal guard entails many dangers. One of them is poison joke.

Starburst. Guard extraordinaire, determined to make captain of the Royal Guard. Ready to face any foe she could come across in the defense of Equestria.

Any foe, except for a cruel sense of humor.

Published 2015-06-05 23:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-05 23:20:02 UTC

DAWWWWWWWWW

“You!” Starburst thrust her hoof out, bringing the full authority of a royal guard to bear on bright violet earth pony, freezing her stock still in the midst of her flight. “Gather the foals and get them to safety!”

Seeing that her command had given the terrified pony some direction, she spread her wings and took back to the air. Above, the skies were black with dragons, their migration rather unfortunately disrupted by a particularly inappropriate “happy migration” party cannon. Confused, disoriented, and generally offended, they’d reacted in the manner most dragons were accustomed to.

Pulling her wings in tight, Starburst executed a sharp aileron roll, just barely avoiding having her feathers seared from her wings. Around her, shards of gold glinted against the shimmering sea of fire and scale. Were it not for the fact that every color signified another variety of incinerating death, the whole sight would have been downright breathtaking. Instead, she focused on a flight of gold before her, quickly pulling into her father’s attack wing.

“Sir! Private Starburst reporting!” She snapped off a salute, the entire flight breaking around a pillar of smoke, only to quickly reform.

“Private! Just who I was looking for!” He pointed his spear ahead, picking out a lone dragon amidst the chaos. He was a monster, big as a building with wings larger than three. With his dull brown scales, he looked more like a flying mountain than a living thing, at least until he breathed another gush of flame. Then the resemblance was closer to a volcano. “We need to take that dragon out of the picture. Without the Alpha they’ll disperse!”

“How do we take out something so huge?” Star cried, her composure cracking briefly.

“That’s where you come in. You need to get point blank and lock eyes. No matter how big they get, dragons will always bow to a show of dominance, and if anypony can intimidate that beast, it’s you.” There might have been a hint of parental pride in his voice, but it was hidden deep behind the cool confidence of command. “We’ll cover your approach. Flight, formation xanthos!”

On command, the other guards fell into a screening formation, making sure to drive away or at least distract any dragons looking to zero in on Star. For an instant, fear flared in her heart, before discipline’s cold bite drove it away. She was a guard. Her life for the princesses and the ponies.

She beat her wings as fast as she could, weaving between gouts and flashes of flame as she did, her armor saving her from at least one scorching sweep. Ahead, the dragon only loomed larger by the second, seeming to grow in stature with every flap she gave. Just the same, she never slowed or faltered, jaw set and eyes narrowed.

This close, every beat of its wings stirred a hurricane, its very breaths like a windstorm, when they weren’t followed by blazing spray. She saw it’s eyes shift to her, and she pulled up before its cave of a maw, locking its gaze with her own, her face hiding any sign of her racing heart. In one move, it could snap her down like a morsel, but instead, it simply stared at her.

For a moment, all time seemed to stop. There was only that great obsidian eye before her, black iris slashed with pure abyss. She dared not blink or flinch. Instead she poured every ounce of determination she held into her gaze.

She would not back down, not even for the king of dragons.

Sadly, her gaze was precisely why she didn’t notice her escort breaking formation around her.

“Star!” The world around her snapped back into focus as something slammed her out of the air, sending the world into a blur of blue and green. By the time she processed the approach of the Everfree and likewise the ground, she was already snapping through the branches. Like a mighty hoof, the ground slammed the air from her, the creak of her armor threatening to become a snap.

For a second, she only lay there, the small blue flowers around her waving peacefully in the wake of her landing, completely undisturbed by the hole she’d just punched in the roof of their leafy world. After a moment, she flexed her wings, feeling bruises and maybe a pulled muscle, but nothing that would keep her down. Grunting, she took to the air again, flapping fiercely even as her joints and limbs seared in agony.

There was the great dragon again, surrounded by the glittering lights of her father’s flight, trying desperately to keep it distracted and blowing flame safely into the sky, rather than into the town below. Her eyes watering, she redoubled her speed, cutting clean through the bedlam to fly right for the behemoth again. “Hey,” she cried. “Over here!”

Again, those void-black eyes turned to her, and again she found herself frozen in their power. Once again, she met them in turn, matching will for will in the battle to save her town.

“DAWWWWWW!” The sound was like the earth itself had just been shown a particularly adorable kitten. Before she could react, she was slammed into once more, but this time she didn’t careen into freefall. This time, she found herself wrapped in a powerful grip. So this was it. This was how it ended.

“Aren’t you the cutest?” Suddenly, something brushed gently atop her head. She managed to glance up, only to find the dragon holding her in one… paw? Meanwhile, the other gently stroked through her mane. “Hey, everyone! Come look at this!”

At their king’s command, the entire battle stopped almost in freeze frame. A thousand gleaming, reptillian eyes turned to the trapped Starburst. But not one of them filled with hunger or rage. To a one, they filled with what Starburst could only describe as “total endearment.”

And somehow, that was even scarier.

“Oh! Isn’t she the cutest little thing!”

“I want to brush it!”

“I really like its mane!”

Like a rainbow landslide, the dragons flocked in, their bodies rapidly forming a massive prismatic prison around Starburst, the pack of them beginning to jostle and fight over position to get a look at her. Suddenly, she found herself yanked back, the grip on her tightening until she felt like a squeeze toy. That was the only warning she got before the dragon king roared. She wasn’t sure quite when it stopped, given she probably went deaf after the first second, but she guessed it was when her bones stopped rattling.

“She’s mine!” The king roared, sending a gout of inferno at the crowding dragons. But they were smitten to a one, and instead of scattering, they dove in, turning on their leader in a moment. Before Star could even muster a thought beyond “oh sweet celestia,” she found herself knocked truly free as one drake slammed into the king’s paw, knocking its grip open. The only blessing was how her tumble launched her clear of the renewed brawl.

“Gotcha!” Hooves snatched her from the air, and suddenly the world found itself revolving a lot less. As she looked around, she found the dragons already winging away from the town, the king fleeing as his own subjects pursued him, convinced he still had Star. She still couldn’t fathom what had just happened there.

Before she could wander further on the topic, she found her savior’s grip shifting on her. Briefly expecting to be shifted to a more stable hold, she was surprised when the grasp on her shifted to what could only be described as “snuggling.”

“H-Hey! What are you doing!” She started to flail, but in her exhausted state, couldn’t disentangle herself. “T-this is completely uncalled for!”

“But you’re just so cute!” The pegasus (who she could not identify, celestia help him when she did) simply continued to snuggle her, even as the rest of the command flight approached.

“S-sir! Anypony! This guard is…” She trailed off as she saw the approaching ponies. Their gazes were not those of angry professionals annoyed with such a blatant breach of decorum, but rather those of loving ponies watching a baby seal take its first slide out on the ice. “Oh horseapples.”

“Dawwwww!’ They replied as one, her own father included. Her horror only continued to mount as he was the one to continue. “Look at my little flutterfeathers! Dawww! I need to get Twilight, she has to see this!”

“Y-you what?!” This had to be a nightmare, Star decided. A terrible nightmare born when she no doubt died on the forest floor. That had to be it. Please Celestia let that be it.

“We gotta show everypony!” Her captor declared, sending her terror to new heights. Heights that were immediately surpassed when the entire unit agreed with cries of “Yeah!” And “Awwww, that would be so adorable!”

“No! No we don’t have to-- is anypony even listening to me?!” She flailed hard, but found herself still too tired to escape. “This is completely against regulations!”

When the only thing to greet her allegations was a chorus of adoring cooing, she knew she was doomed. A sentiment only furthered as she saw the approaching town square. Sure enough, dozens of eyes turned up to her, quickly filling with loving warmth. Things were quickly going from bad to worse.

“Oh my gosh, let me see!”

“She’s so small and cute!”

“She’s like a hamster, if a hamster was a pony!”

“You’re so right!”

Oh princesses protect me. Star thought, her dread drilling an icy pit in her stomach. At least, until she remembered the time Celestia had beaten old Stone Wall in a hoof wrestling competition. She blanched as she considered what a snuggle from her might be like. Actually, they’re the last ponies I need protecting me right now.

Sure enough, even the mortal ponies of ponyville were like ravenous, frenzied cuddle sharks. The moment she was in range, she was pulled into a churning sea of groping, comforting doom. In a way, she imagined this must be what it would be like to be attacked by a horde of very warm and plush boa constrictors. Short of the being eaten alive bit.

“Oh my gosh, my little snugglebunches!” With those words, uttered in the most terrifyingly sachharine tone Star had ever heard, she felt the familiar prickle of her mother’s magical grip. Yanked free of the crowed, she found herself flying towards a very, very cuddle inclined Twilight Sparkle.

Oh Celestia, why couldn’t the crowd have eaten her.

“It feels like forever since I’ve seen you!” Star found herself immediately hugged, her mother’s alicorn strength readily apparent in her cuddly ministrations. “I’d forgotten how tiny you were!”

Why. Why why why why why.

“Mom! Twilight! Princess!” Star huffed in exasperation, each title bouncing off her mother like a day old scone. “Stop it! This isn’t like you! And-- you’re embarrassing me!” The last words were spoken with a sharp blush, one frantic last frantic hope that her mother might snap out of it.

“I am?” For an instant, Twilight stopped, before squealing like a little schoolfilly. “That’s so cute!”

This was it. Star was officially doomed.

As she sat there, wrapped in her mother’s soft iron embrace, she found her initial terror giving way to annoyance. In truth, she wasn’t in any real mortal danger. In fact, she doubted she was in any danger period. Still, it was getting frustrating, and at this rate she was going to be late reporting back to her post. A part of her was definitely worried for her future if her new cuteness didn’t sway her commander.

The rest of her was worried if it did.

Soon, her annoyance began to turn to legitimate rage, her feelings stoked by the tinder of her mother’s muzzle buried lovingly in her hair. Then, as if a bolt from the blue, she found her thoughts drifting to some old sci-fi flick she’d seen. Some sort of cult classic her Uncle Shining had absolutely loved.

“Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.”

This had to end. She was not going to be held hostage by a snuggle-struck town, nor even by her own mother. She was a guard of the Royal Equestrian Army, and by the princesses she would put an end to this. Her mettle set and her patience burning away to the last drop, she knew what she had to do.

“Mom?” She began.

“Yes my fluffly little snuggly bunny of--”

“Sorry.” Star thrust her head forward, then slammed it back into her mom’s face, eliciting a surprised grunt and a gush of something warm in Star’s hair. Her mother’s grip failed, and she was free to take to the air on her own. She immediately rounded about to make sure her mother was okay.

“Dawwww!’ her mother cooed through her bleeding nose.

She was fine.

“Everypony!” Star shouted, throwing her wings wide and casting her mightest death glare across the crowd. “Enough! I am not a cuddle toy!”

Everything froze. All those eyes stayed fixed on her, and she began to feel the fainted glimmer of hope as not a single one cooed or groped for her “fun sized adorableness.” Then, like a rising tide, it began. One “dawww” in the back, quickly building into a tsunami of all-smothering love.

Time to go.

“Crap crap crap!” Star immediately turned and bolted, fear compensating for her exhaustion as the chromatic tide surged after her. She blazed through the streets, feeling the grasp of magic flicker along her feathers as she dodged grab after grab, each one spurring her to fly faster. Fortunately, her own cuteness had drawn Ponyville into a mob at its own heart, leaving the outskirts mostly abandoned.

All she had to do was keep ahead.

On cue, something smashed into her back and sent her tumbling to the dirt. She only barely managed to roll over before she found herself crushed against a navy blue mass of hugs. “T-this is totally uncool I know.” Prism managed to stammer out as he snuggled her. “But you’re just so adorable!”

“Okay, no.” Facing Prism, she was able to employ a tactic previously denied to her. In one smooth motion, she wrapped one hoof around the back of Prism’s neck, and pressed the other into the front, cutting off the blood to his head.

“Ghhhkkk, so, cuuuuute~” Prim’s voice trailed off, but she kept holding until his grip went slack as well. She even held a moment longer, just to be absolutely sure, to tartarus with any embarrassment Prism might endure as a result. When she was certain he was out cold, she heaved him off her, just in time to see the mob round the nearest corner.

“There’s my little tater tot!” Twilight cried through a face full of tissues.

Instantly, that same magical grip manifested over her. Star spread her wings and flapped, but it was no use. She was a fly in a trap. A cuddly, many hooved trap.

A lone vial floated into the air from a nearby house, the cap popping off and pouring it into the street. As the mob approached the spill on their way to Star, they began to slow, their looks of adoration turning to confusion, and then disgust. Many started to cough, and scrub at their noses.

“It burns!”

“It’s like sandpaper in my nose!”

“Why isn’t it killing me? It only makes me suffer!”

Stunned by the wailing horde, Star only snapped back to reality as her mother’s magic failed, not even bloodsoaked tissues enough to stop the rancid stench. Picking herself up off the ground, she heard a familiar voice shouting her name. “Star! Over here!”

Waving from an alley was Anthea.

“Oh, thank Celestia.” Star dashed over, almost hugging Annie as they dove into hiding, her recent experiences the only thing stopping her short. “What was that?!”

“Some sort of dragon perfume Spike gave T and I for our anniversary.” She giggled, somehow picking up on Star’s current distaste for hugs. “Apparently it translates as sex panther or something.”

“That,” Star panted, wrinkling her nose as even the barest whiff reached it. “Does not smell like… that.”

“Rarity didn’t think so either. She’s the one who warned me.” Anthea giggled, falling in behind Star as she led the way. “But it’s not my love life that’s the problem today, is it?” Anthea giggled even harder, again telling with uncanny accuracy when Star was blushing. “You know, I’d heard colts liked smaller mares, but this is a bit ridiculous!”

“I don’t know what’s going on! One moment, I’m battling dragons, the next, everypony wants a piece of me!” Star found herself blushing again, biting her lip. “N-not like that, I mean. It’s just--” Star paused, then frowned. “Wait, why aren’t you trying to snuggle me?”

“Hmmmm, I dunno!” Anthea nuzzled close, making Star stumble back.

“W-what are you doing?”

“You smell… Did you fall in any blue flowers, smell a little like old whoopie cushions?” She pulled away and rubbed her nose, stifling a sneeze.

“I… yeah, I did.” Star finally stopped, glancing around to make sure they were out of sight. “Why?”

“Poison joke.” Annie explained with a giggle. “Figures that’s why Ponyville’s number one guard is suddenly Ms.Cuddlebutt.” She smiled and offered a comforting pat to Star’s back. “Don’t worry, I should still have some of the cure at my place.”

“W-why do you have the cure at your place?” Star managed, finally managing to fight down her perpetual blush.

“Oh, I, wandered into a patch shortly after Fluttershy adopted me.” For a moment, her cheery demeanor slipped. “I didn’t think it was very funny at the time.”

“What happened to you?” Star asked, moving slowly and checking the streets as they moved.

“I went completely numb. Couldn’t feel a thing. Couldn’t even make it home.” She giggled, the sound this time a bit forced. “I’d certainly prefer to be super cuddly.”

“Trust me, you wouldn’t,” Star said, even as she admitted to herself that Anthea might. “Okay, I think we’re past the mob. Now, if we can just make it to the road out of town, I think we…” Star hissed and immediately pulled Anthea into hiding. Before her, blocking the road ahead, was a cluster of ponies clearly on guard. “Roadblocks! Why can’t they just be mindless about cuddling?”

“Don’t worry, I have an idea.” Anthea grinned, and suddenly gave Star a hug. “It should be in the medicine cabinet. Ask Angel if you need help. Deep blue potion, same as the flowers. Just rub it on.” Before Star could ask what she was thinking Anthea dashed across the street, crying out “Star! Wait! I just want a hug!”

Like something out of a zombie movie, the rest of the ponies on guard chased after Anthea, bewitched by the promise of further cuddles. Alone, Star could only mutter a quick prayer for Anthea’s safety. Even though the worst she might suffer was a trip and fall. All in all, the stakes were pretty low for all this.

The path ahead clear, she flew for Fluttershy’s cottage, and hopefully salvation.

Clean Cut glanced up from the report, looking over the disheveled Star before him. “Poison joke induced insanity.”

“Sir, yes sir.” Star declared.

“And your accomplice Anthea was not affected because…?” Clean Cut asked.

“We decided it was probably because she could not see me, sir.” Star answered.

Clean Cut just stared at her a moment. Finally he slumped his head and sighed. “Very well. You are dismissed.” He sat there while she left, before slowly thumping his head into the table.

“I really hate this posting.”