Tri-State Aria

by MythrilMoth

Rating: everyone
Tags: Equestria Girls, Science Fiction, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human
Length: 1922

Aria Blaze finds herself trapped in the most bizarre and inexplicable city in the known multiverse: Danville.

Aria Blaze, the surliest of the Sirens, finds herself in the bizarre, nonsensical, and often completely random city of Danville. Can a snarky Siren survive in a city full of petty pharmacists, platypus secret agents, and highly improbable and eminently bustable inventions, contraptions, and capers?

Yes. Yes she can.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-17 20:03:42 UTC

Alieninated

The door to Doofenshmirtz's lab exploded gratifyingly under the onslaught of a vintage bazooka from the second World War. O.W.C.A. Agent Perry the Platypus tossed aside his antique weapon and rolled through the cloud of smoke and debris, springing to his webbed feet in a wary crouch, the brim of his fedora shading his steely eyes as they scanned the lair of his nemesis for hidden dangers. There was no immediate sign of anyone in the lab; the only thing out of place was a large, curved arch on a pedestal in the center of the room, with an array of devices surrounding it, all wired to a large control panel.

"Perry the Platypus! How good of you to come!" the heavily accented, grating voice of Heinz Doofenshmirtz called out. "And by good of you I mean..." Doof paused. "Pull up a chair, Perry the Platypus. I don't...actually have a trap for you today, I'm a little behind schedule."

Perry shrugged, found a steel folding chair in a corner, and unfolded it, sitting down.

Doofenshmirtz himself walked into view, holding a slushie dog on a stick and a large soda cup. "Sorry about the trap, Perry the Platypus, I had to drive Vanessa to the mall, and then I got peckish and stopped for a slushie dog, and..." He took a long, noisy sip of his soda. "Anyway! Evil scheme. Well, actually...today it's more of a preparatory scheme, it's...it's not actually evil by itself. I mean, there's no use really even thwarting this one. Oh well. BEHOLD!" Doof walked over to the strange arch and gestured with his slushie dog. "My...ALIENINATOR!"

Perry narrowed his eyes.

"This machine will summon a REAL! LIVE! ALIEN! BEING! FROM ANOTHER WORLD!" Doof exclaimed, splattering mustard all over the place as he gesticulated wildly. "The horrifyingly EEEEEEEVIL alien I call forth will become my minion, Perry the Platypus, and will DO MY EVIL BIDDING!" Doof paused in his rant. "You know, because...because I'm a little shorthanded in the evil minion department. I mean, there's Norm, but..." Doof sagged and sighed. "Yyyyyyeah."

"Ctctctctctct."

"Oh, don't give me that, Perry the Platypus," Doof said. He took a huge bite of his slushie dog, then tossed the remainder in the trash. "Prepare to be AMAZED at the VAST AND HORRIBLE COSMIC BEING I am about to unleash on the Tri-State Area!" Doof threw a lever on the Alieninator; the machine hummed to life, energy coursing across the inside of the arch as lights lit up and things spun around and a line graph on a meter bounced around wildly. Doof tossed aside his soda cup and rubbed his hands together in glee. "I wonder what incredible, indescribable alien horror we'll see, Perry the Platypus! I just...I just hope it isn't Meap." Doof grimaced. "I've had my fill of Meap. Meap." He shook his head. "After that whole debacle in St. Louis—you remember that, don't you Perry the Platypus? Yeah, you...you remember. We don't need to rehash that whole thi—AHA! HERE WE GO, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"

Perry watched in wide-eyed horror as a spinning vortex of energy formed in the heart of the Alieninator. He sprang into action, prepared to destroy the device before it could fulfill its evil purpose...

...and slipped on a patch of mustard, tumbling beak-over-tail across the room. "Ctctctctct," he growled in annoyance.

"Oh, Perry the Platypus!" Doof exclaimed mirthfully, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "It appears you cannot...CUT THE MUSTARD!"

The Alieninator suddenly began emitting a high-pitched whine, accompanied by a low, bass thrum. The light from the vortex washed over everything in the lair, bathing it in a cool blue hue. Perry could only watch in mute horror as a silhoutted form appeared in the vortex...

A screaming body shot out of the vortex, bouncing across the floor and rolling to a stop mere inches from Perry.

She appeared to be a teenage girl, but there was something...not quite normal about her.

For one thing, her skin was a purplish-pink color.

Her hair, tied in two long, flaring ponytails, was purple with green streaks, held up by star-shaped white ornaments. She wore a green jacket with torn-off sleeves over a low-cut yellow-white shirt, tight purple jeans, dark purple high-heeled boots, three purple bands around each forearm, and two dark purple belts which criss-crossed her waist, with a large white star-shaped buckle connecting them.

Perry blinked. "Ctctctctct?"

Doofenshmirtz blinked. "...huh," he said. "That's..." He paused. "A little less evil and menacing than I was expecting." He sighed. "Oh well, let's toss her back and try again. I guess...I guess summoning an evil alien minion is like fishing—"

The Alieninator suddenly began emitting sparks and smoke. The vortex winked out of existence, and the Alieninator exploded, raining fragments all over the lab.

"...huh," Doof said again. "She must...she must've hit the self-destruct button on the way out. I...I put it inside the Alieninator, Perry the Platypus. You know, so you wouldn't be able to hit it while it...while it was..." He trailed off with a defeated sigh. "Curse you, weird pink alien teenage girl," he muttered flatly.

The girl stirred and sat up, rubbing her head and groaning. "Ugggh...what just happened?" Angry purple eyes opened and looked around the room. She scowled. "Where am I?"

"You find yourself in the EVIL lair of DR. HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ!" Doof exclaimed theatrically. "Soon to be ruler of the Tri-State Area! ...which is in the United States, on the planet Earth. In the Milky Way Galaxy. I can...I can show you a map..."

"Forget it," the girl said, pushing herself up and brushing herself off. She frowned as she looked at Doof. "You're old and ugly," she said.

"And you're pink and rude," Doof replied.

"Yes. Yes I am," the girl said. She frowned, shaking her head. "Why did I just say that?" Looking around, she spotted Perry, who was watching her warily. "You have a pet platypus? Weird."

"Oh, that's Secret Agent Perry the Platypus. He's not...he's not my pet, he's my nemesis. I trap him, he thwarts my evil schemes, it's a thing we do."

The girl stared at Doof. "You have kind of a sad and pathetic life, don't you?"

Doof slumped forward with a long, tired sigh. "Yeah..."

The girl shook her head. "Whatever. I'm outta here. Where's the door?"

"Ahh..." Doof held up a finger. "See, here's the thing. You've been brought here to Danville by my ALIENINATOR! ...which just exploded. This...this is a whole different world than where you've come from."

The girl blinked. "You mean I'm stranded in some other world, with no way back?"

"That's...that's about the size of it."

The girl shrugged. "Works for me. I hated that world." She straightened her shirt and frowned. "So, you're what, some kind of mad scientist or something?"

"Evil scientist," Doof corrected. "I'm Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. And this is Perry the Platy—oh, I already introduced him. Right." He smacked his lips. "So...what should we call you?"

"Aria Blaze." Aria cracked her back and jammed her hands in her pockets. "So...why'd you bring me here again?"

"Well, you see...I had hoped to summon a terrifyingly evil alien from another world to become my evil minion," Doof said. "It...ah...didn't quite work out..."

"Evil minion?" Aria shrugged. "Sure, I can do that. I mean, I've pretty much been doing that for hundreds of years..."

"Really? That's—" Doof blinked. "Hundreds? Really? You look like you're the same age as my daughter, and she's sixteen..."

"It's complicated," Aria said. "Okay, so...what, are you trying to take over the world or something?"

"Not the world, just...just the Tri-State Area," Doof said. "I mean, taking over the world is...it's just silly. It's silly."

Aria buffed her nails on her shirt with a bored expression. "Whatever. So, what's your evil plan?"

"Well..." Doof paused. "I...use a different plan every day, more or less. I come up with a take-over-the-Tri-State-Area scheme, I build an Inator, I trap Perry the Platypus, I monologue my scheme, we fight, he blows up my Inator, I curse him as he flies away...it's a thing. We do. Yeah."

Aria rolled her eyes. "That's stupid." She reached down and picked Perry up by the scruff of the neck. "Here, I'll deal with this thing."

"Be careful, he—"

The next thing Aria knew, she was lying flat on her butt and hurt everywhere. She sat up, blinking dazedly, and looked into the steely eyes of a platypus in a fedora.

"Ctctctctctct," Perry said.

"—that. He does that."

Perry's jetpack expanded on his back, and he flew through the roof, creating a large hole in the process. Doofenshmirtz sighed. "Curse you Perry the Platypus," he said. "Well, come on, Aria. Let's get you set up with your own room or something. You should meet my daughter Vanessa, she should be home from the mall in a few hours..."

* * * * *

Aria scowled as she helped Doofenshmirtz and his dorky robot assistant Norm repair the damage to the lair caused by Perry the Platypus and the exploding Alieninator. She wiped sweat from her brow as she finished welding the hole in the roof. "All done up here," she called.

"Excellent work, my evil minion!" Doof called jovially. He hit a switch on the wall, and the roof retracted with a metallic grinding sound, exposing the interior of the lab to the bright summer sun.

Aria walked to the edge of the balcony and looked out over the city. "Well, at least you have a nice view," she said.

"Oh, you like the view? Yeah, it's...it's a good view..."

"Dad! I'm home!"

"Vanessa!" Doof called. "Come meet my new minion!"

Aria turned with vague disinterest and watched as a curvy teenage girl with long brown hair, blue eyes, a large forehead, and a pouty expression walked in. She was dressed all in black, from her tight-fitting black leather coat all the way down to her tight, high-heeled leather boots.

The girl eyed Aria up and down dispassionately. "You're...pink," she said.

"You're goth," Aria replied.

"Vanessa, this is Aria Blaze. Aria, this is my daughter Vanessa." Doof clapped his hands together. "Aria's my new evil alien minion. She's going to be living with us. It'll be fun! Like a big ol' sleepover."

"Whatever, Dad," Vanessa said. She studied Aria. "So...you're an alien?"

"Apparently," Aria said boredly.

"Cool."

Aria was about to say something, but a bright metallic flash in the sky caught her attention. She turned and looked up...

A huge, ominous metal sphere hung in the sky over Danville. Its immense surface was covered in what appeared to be rollercoasters, Ferris wheels, tilt-a-whirls, and other amusement park rides.

Aria's jaw dropped. "What...the...?"

Vanessa chuckled. "Oh, that's Phineas and Ferb," she said. "Yeah, they build stuff like that all the time. Pretty much every day, actually. They're cool."

The metal sphere abruptly launched itself high into the atmosphere, shrinking to a tiny black dot before disappearing. Several dozen bowtie-shaped aircraft descended into the city below.

A slow, evil smile spread across Aria's face. "Huh. Do tell..."

* * * * *

Phineas Flynn jumped out of his BOWTIE Fighter, which shrank neatly into itself, becoming a tidy pocket handkerchief. He plopped down under the big shade tree in his backyard next to his stepbrother, Ferb Fletcher.

"Well, that was fun," Phineas said.

"Well, it was the Fun Star," Ferb said.

"Yes. Yes it was."

Perry the Platypus waddled up next to Phineas.

"Oh, there you are, Perry!"

"Ctctctctctct."