Chapter 1: Darth Vader Had The Same Exact Reaction
Father’s Day, like most every other holiday, was Discord’s favorite. However, what made this holiday especially favored to him was the fact that this was the first one where he could spend it with his family.
Princess Celestia and Luna.
Who are his daughters.
“What?!” Luna blurted out, practically spitting out all of her morning brew coffee at Celestia.
Celestia wiped off the lukewarm spew with a clear frown of disgust on her face. Whether it was from the coffee spitake or the news was yet to be seen.
“Yes indeedly do, I’m your baby daddy,” Discord said. His response, much like his news, was delivered posthaste just as the Princesses were having breakfast (or rather for Luna, dinner), where he appeared out of the blue and just straight up told them he was their father.
Suddenly, Celestia’s much anticipated chocolate chip pancakes weren’t so appetizing. Luna, however, was still absently munching on some hashbrowns as she stared with an appalled look at Discord.
“Baby daddy?” Celestia repeated. She sighed, rolling up the newspaper she had been reading, and calmly asked with a bemused tone, “Discord, whatever could you mean? There’s no possible way you could be our father.”
“But of course I can!” Discord said, snapping both his fingers and pointing at the royal duo. “Because I’m your mother too!”
“What?!” Luna blurted out once again—actually, it was more spat out, considering her half-chewed hashbrowns now covered most of Celestia’s face.
“Will you stop eating during serious discussions?” Celestia asked, using a napkin to do away with the splattered potato bits desecrating her coat.
“I can’t help it,” Luna said, staring dejectedly at her tempting plate of omelettes, haybacon, and other artery-clogging but oh so scrumptious food. “Whenever I become anxious I get hungry… which is probably why I was fatter when I was a teenager.”
“Well, fat camp certainly helped solve that problem.”
Luna pouted. “Wait a minute… I never went to fat camp.”
“Fat camp, the moon for a thousand years, same thing.” Celestia shrugged, then focused her attention back to Discord rather than her sister’s venomous glare. “And as for you, I have no idea what sort of scheme or prank you have up your sleeve, Discord, but it isn’t going to work. You are neither our mother nor our father, and nothing in between. Not even a third uncle twice removed.”
Discord smirked his trademark devious yet highly insufferable grin and wiggled his finger—the added effect of his hand suddenly becoming five times in size certainly helped get his point across. “Oh, but on the contrary, I am! Do either of you actually know who your parents are?”
“Well… not exactly,” Celestia admitted. Her eyes glanced furtively to and fro. “My earliest memories was waking up in a grassy clearing with Luna by my side. After that, we lived in the wild a bit, and eventually walked upon pony civilization, which in turn decided we were suddenly their rulers due to the fact we had both wings and horns.” Celestia frowned solemnly. “Which, now that I think about it, seemed pretty lenient in credentials for someone to suddenly rule over you forever.”
Luna nodded. “Eh, at least we had no curfews and unlimited snacks… which also didn’t really help my weight problem back then.” She shrugged. “I actually thought our parents were the sun and moon. However, how exactly they did it leaves many questions. Like for instance—”
“For the last time, Luna, the sun doesn’t have a penis!” Celestia said decisively.
“Well, I certainly didn’t find one on the moon for the odd one thousand years while I was on it!” Luna rubbed her shoulder and sighed. “It certainly would have helped with the loneliness…”
“Girls, girls, please,” Discord said, leaning back in his seat reading Celestia’s newspaper and drinking Luna’s coffee. “This isn’t proper breakfast discussions, now is it?” He lowered his thick-framed glasses and gave both Princesses a disappointed glare. “Celestial bodies having male genitalia is a brunch discussion and you both know this.”
“Huh, and here I thought it was a dinner discussion this entire time,” Luna said.
“Discord, will you just leave the two of us alone with your crazy parental claims, and also—” Celestia swiped the newspaper out of Discord’s hands, “—give me back my newspaper.”
Discord shook her head dejectedly and sighed under his breath. “Celestia, Celestia, Celestia. Always the level-headed one. But not one to accept the truth when it’s sitting right in front of her.”
Celestia sneered. “All I see is a pompous buffoon trying to cash-in on Father’s Day with a blatant lie.”
“Wait, if you’re both our mother and father, why didn’t you announce this on Mother’s Day weeks ago?” Luna asked.
“Because he isn’t either!” Celestia replied with displeasure ringing in her voice.
“Well, duh, because I’m a dude. Not a pansy girl.” Discord rubbed his chin and hummed to himself. “Aaaaaaaand also I guess because I banked on Mother’s Day with Cadance and saved Father’s Day for you two.”
“Cadance is your daughter too?” Celestia barked out a laugh, flipping to the sports page. “How do you expect us to believe that on top of your other lie?”
“Because it’s the truth.” Discord’s head popped up on the page of the newspaper, taking the place of a hoofball that was being passed to a wide receiver. “How exactly did you find Cadance, hmmmm? Abandoned in a grassy clearing, just like you two.”
“But you were still stuck in stone, weren’t you?” Luna asked. “Unless you can still give birth while as a statue.”
“Nah, nothing impossible like that, no. I just decided to throw her into a random time stream that pooped her out into this era, making her your sister.” Discord waved his hand exasperatedly in the air. “She was the unwanted triplet, as you now probably well know, and I didn’t have the means at the time to take care of her. I just wasn’t at the point in my life to support three foals, so I did what any loving father would do. I put her up for adoption. Via a portal into the time stream,” he said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Which now that I think about it may have been a bit harsh…”
“Hey, you never supported us either!” Luna said, pointing an accusing hoof right at him. “You ditched us the minute you had us! Like a prom night dumpster baby! Except there wasn’t a prom, no dumpster, and it certainly wasn’t night!”
“For the last time, Luna, he isn’t our father! I don’t know who our actual parents are, but they most certainly aren’t him.” Celestia glared at Discord a look that could melt steel and turn an entire mountain into cinders. “And I refuse to believe it’s you no matter what asinine excuse you give me.”
Discord stepped back, unzipped the front of his chest, and exposed his bony skeleton underneath. “I make each of you from rib. I thought I’d go for a kidney since I only need one of those, but naaaaah, I’d like not to go piss every thirty minutes in the nearby future.”
In what was truly a marvel to behold, there were three ribs missing on Discord’s right side, right above the shriveled up and blackened remains of what could presumably be his heart. Or gallbladder.
Celestia grimaced. “That doesn’t exactly prove anything, Discord.”
“Oh, does it?”
“No.”
“That was a rhetorical question.”
“And there is your non-rhetorical answer.”
“Guys, stop it!” Luna said, tears in her eyes. “You’re tearing this family apaaaaaaart!”
“And say hello to the new member of it!” Discord’s face turned into a mask of pure agony as he jerked tugged and finally wrenched out another one of his ribs. This former broken bone quickly transformed into a tiny red and black alicorn right in his hand, with a diaper to boot.
Luna and Celestia both stared with open mouths and wide eyes at the garishly colored toddler before them, while Discord gazed upon it with a look that betrayed only one emotion: disappointment.
“Whelp, I was wrong about Cadance being the unwanted sibling,” Discord said, dropping the infant on the table. “This is worse than a redheaded stepchild. Because it’s my actual child, plus, it has black hair as well. Sheesh, talk about a birth-defect nightmare.”
“I’dunno, I think it’s pretty cute,” Luna said, quick to throw off her shock to instead tempt the baby with some haybacon. “In an ugly cute sort of way. Except less with the cute and more with the ugly. Kinda like a run-over puppy you find in the street.”
Celestia was slower to catch up on dismissing her surprise, for her mouth was still opening and closing like a fish out of water, complete with the mindless stare as well. “But… how… this can’t be possible. It just can’t be! You were our enemy for centuries! We turned you into stone for crying out loud!”
“And what sort of villainous parent doesn’t want to be defeated by their own children? That’s one of the most important parts of growing up into adulthood, after all.” Discord pinched Celestia’s cheek and gave it a little tug. “And you’re such a big girl now because of it. Aren’t you, daddy’s little angel.”
Celestia could do nothing from the cheek abuse, for her mind still could not register the seemingly impossible yet supported with a disturbing amount of evidence before her. “No… Nooo… Nooooooooooooooooooooo—”
“Man, what a drama queen,” Luna muttered. She stuck another piece of haybacon on the foal’s forehead to make it appear it had angry eyebrows. “I swear, I’m surprised we’re even related sometimes.”
“You and I both,” Discord agreed. Glancing down at the watch that conveniently appeared on his wrist, Discord smacked his forehead and said, “Oh man, would you look how the time flies? I’m gonna be late for a tea party with Fluttershy. Sorry to bail on you both, but I certainly can’t miss out on this.” Discord grinned, twiddling his fingers together. “But since it’s still Father’s Day, I’m sure I can expect a card in the mail sometime soon? Perhaps a gift card as well. Maybe even a…”
“Go-kart?” Luna asked.
“Most certainly!”
Luna shrugged, now busy pouring some coffee down the infant’s throat. “Eh, sure, whatever. I’m sure Celestia would be happy to oblige you after her atrocious manners before.”
“Quite right. That’s why you’ve always been my favorite princess, Luna. Anyway, toodles!” Discord tipped his fedora and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Meanwhile, Celestia was still screaming “Nooooooooooooo!” at the top of her lungs for three minutes straight, while Luna was arranging Celestia’s pancakes at a throne for the newborn alicorn… thing.
Luna looked the alicorn over and tapped her chin once or twice. “Hmmmm… I think I’ll name it Gary. That’s a great name, right, Celestia?”
“—ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—”
“Sheesh, fine, I’ll like you to come up with a better one.”
Author's Note
Ahhhhh it isn't Father's Day! I'm a hack. A fraud. I'm... Not even a sponge. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
