Fucking sleepless in fucking ponyville

by Sirvanilla

Rating: mature
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1044

Princess Twilight Fucking Sparkle is being kept awake by a fucking cricket. She is not fucking happy.

Princess Twilight Fucking Sparkle is being kept awake by a fucking cricket. She is not fucking happy.

Written in about an hour at 3 am after a certain fucking cricket would not let the fucking author sleep. Rated M for Mature for using Fuck, and variations thereupon, many many times.

Published 2015-07-13 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-13 18:00:01 UTC

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck

Twilight Sparkle could not get one fucking wink of sleep. She had gone to bed at the same fucking time as always, after kissing her fucking dragon goodnight on fucking forehead. She had snuggled up into her nice, warm, fucking bed after a long day of intense fucking study, and had initially drifted off to get some fucking sleep.

But then came the fucking cricket. The fucking cricket sent from Tartarus to torment her.

It had started quietly enough; it's fucking chirping barely a whisper in the fucking night air. But it wasn't long before the fucker started to increase the fucking volume, slowly stabbing its fucking way into Twilight's dreams, until she found herself awake, and wanting nothing better than to kill the fucking cricket.

At first she tried to be reasonable. It's just a fucking cricket she thought, Nothing to freak the fuck out about. She tried adjusting her pillow and fucking blanket to cover her ears, hoping to block the fucking sounds. But the fucking bedclothes did nothing but slightly mute the stabbing, grinding, tittering, fucking chirping. She tried plugging her fucking ears with her hooves, but to no fucking affect. She considered some sort of soundproofing spell, but didn't try for fear of waking her fucking dragon.

A full fucking hour passed before she gave up trying to cancel out the fucking noise. This is fucking ridiculous, she thought, I should just be able to ignore the little fucker and go to fucking sleep! She considered waking the fucking dragon and making him locate and destroy the miserable little fucker.

No fucking way, she thought, If he doesn't get enough fucking sleep, he won't be able to perform his menial fucking labor properly tomorrow. The thought of having to make her own fucking toast for breakfast decided her, and she elected to let the little fucker sleep.
I suppose I have no other choice, she thought, One fucking way another, that fucking cricket has to die. Only one of us will survive this fucking night, and it sure ain't gonna fucking be him!

She slowly got out of her fucking bed, the fucking cricket providing a chorus of fucking chirps as she stealthily exited her fucking bedroom. The first problem she encountered was her fucking dragon in is fucking basket, neatly blocking the way to the fucking stairs. She was able to give a fucking flying leap that would have made fucking Rainbow Dash proud, but in her sleep deprived state, she overshot and found herself tumbling down the fucking stairs. Coming to a fucking crash at the bottom, she rose shakily to her fucking hooves, and began shooting intense stares around the fucking library.

You're in her somewhere you little fucker, she thought, I don't care what it fucking takes, I will find you, and I will fucking end you! Unfortunately, like most other fucking crickets, it was nearly impossible to tell from what fucking direction the sound was coming.

Under the lavender glow of her fucking horn, she began to search the fucking room, looking beneath the fucking tables, behind the fucking bookshelves, even on the fucking ceiling. But the fucking cricket, still playing its fucking tune, was nowhere to fucking be found.

An idea occurred to Twilight, and she used her fucking magic to engage her magical fucking night vision. Her eyes began to glow a shade of fucking green, and she could see every fucking detail like it was fucking day. She could even see through solid fucking objects, and she could see the outline of every fucking living creature. She scanned her surroundings, and finally located the source of her fucking torment.

Below her, in her fucking basement, so fucking small that she almost missed it, was the tiny outline of the thrice accursed, triple blasted, quadruple damned, sent straight from Tartarus and beyond for the express purpose of eliciting her utmost torment, Celestia-forsaken mother-fucking cricket!

THIS. ENDS. NOW!!!

With no further thought for anything in the fucking world, Twilight upon every fucking once of her mother-fucking alicorn magic, and unleashed a torrent of pure fucking energy straight down, causing all matter between her and the fucking cricket to cease to be. She dove through her newly acquired fucking skylight, her eyes locked on the target of her fucking rage.

She pulled up sharp at the end of her dive, but not fucking sharp enough. With an enormous fucking crash, she collided rather sharply with the contents of her fucking basement, and most of her fucking scientific equipment was destroyed upon impact. But she didn't fucking care. For her goal was in sight.

On a little fucking table, between a little fucking teacup and the accompanying fucking teapot, sat a tiny fucking cricket. And still it chirped. The little fucker, despite the universe exploding around its fucking ears, continued to chirp.

"Hello, my name is Princess Fucking Twilight Sparkle," said Princess Fucking Twilight Sparkle, "You disturbed my fucking sleep, prepare to die mother-fucker!!!"

Her horn bloom into a corona of purple fucking energy, as she summoned the elemental forces of nature and fucking magic to aid her in the destruction of her fucking foe. The fucking cricket finally looked up, and had less than a fucking second to contemplate its fucking fate before…

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"

Princess Twilight Fucking Sparkle barely registered a fucking blur of yellow and pink swooping into her vision before she released her magic, unmaking all in its fucking path and blazing a trail of destruction that stretched for fucking miles. She smiled in grim satisfaction, knowing full well that the fucking cricket was no more, and now she could finally get some fucking sleep.

Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!

Princess Twilight Fucking Sparkle saw, sitting before her, the fucking cricket, completely unharmed, and chirping away in contentment.
No. Fucking. Way. She thought. It was then that she noticed, beside the fucking tunnel she had just excavated in her basement, a tuft of fucking pink hair, a few fucking yellow feathers, and a still smoking fucking scorch mark.

"Oh Fuck," said Princess Twilight Fucking Sparkle.

Author's Note

And it's now 4 a.m., and the cricket still won't let me sleep. Time to go nuke my bedroom.
-SirVanilla