Diamond Tiara Plays Grand Theft Auto V
Diamond Tiara tapped her hoof against her desk as she stared at the screen. Stared… at the blatant lie that was obviously being told to her. 'Now loading', was what the monitor had said. For the past ten minutes. It would all be worth it, though. All the waiting and all of the filly's patience would finally pay out once she was able to wreak havoc with – and on – her friends in the greatest open world game Equestria had ever seen.
Diamond Tiara sighed. At least the clouds looked pretty. And the scale of the city was easy to appreciate from a bird's-eye view. She just wished she was down there playing, not stuck in the sky, reading the same news updates over and over and over and over again until the game finally…
Told her that there was a connection problem.
And booted her into the single-player campaign.
Diamond Tiara raised her hooves, clenched her teeth, and shook violently as the game loaded the campaign. Sweat dripped down her face as she drew breath between her teeth, resisting the urge to shout as her father was only a couple of rooms away from her.
Exhaling, Diamond Tiara calmed down, and picked up her controller. She pressed the button to pause her game, but it did not work. The game was still zooming in on the city of Los Santos. She pressed it again, and again, and again. She did not care what Franklin was up to. She didn't want to see him hitting his bong. She just wanted to pause the game so that she could try to log into the online mode once again.
Finally, the game paused. She scrolled over the options and told the game to connect her to an online session. The game zoomed out again, back into the sky.
And so, she waited. And waited. And waited. And got up to leave her room, walk downstairs, pour a glass of refreshing [product placement here], pop a couple of round of bread into the toaster, and waited, collected her toast and her drink, carried the lot upstairs, placed them delicately onto her desk, and waited. The game was still loading.
She picked up the delicious toast and took a bite out of it. Still loading. She gently leaned forward and whispered threats of death to her computer. The game stopped loading, and started to zoom in. Diamond Tiara scoffed down her remaining toast and picked up her controller.
Now that Loading Simulator 2015 had finished, the filly was eager to play her favourite game in the entire world. She could see her character, at long last. Her pink mare character with the stylish white hair tied into a ponytail, dressed in the most fashionable black-and-white striped shirt that was the right combination of cuteness and badassery. It told the world 'I am a punk, but I am also kawaii'. And it was most definitely not the mark of a 'weeaboo hipster bitch'.
Diamond Tiara moved over towards her personal vehicle – a motorbike that was red and resembled the same one used by Kanada in Akira. Again, not a sign of a 'weeaboo hipster bitch', but of somepony with extraordinarily good tastes.
She rode through the city, looking on her minimap for somepony to 'play' with. She found Scootaloo up ahead and a glint shone in her eye. "Heeeeere, chicken chicken chick-" Diamond Tiara blew up. "OH- WHAT?! You fucking sticky bombed, REALLY?!"
Diamond Tiara mashed the button to respawn faster, groaning as she realised she would have to have her vehicle delivered to her again. Upon spawning, she spotted Scootaloo ahead of her and pulled out her sniper rifle. It was time for reven-
"HOW DID YOU SHOOT ME SO FAST?!" Diamond Tiara screamed as she threw her controller down. "Fucking aimbot!"
With a huff, she picked up her controller and switched to a more close-range weapon, utilising cover to make her way closer to Scootaloo safely. She jumped out of cover once she was close enough and got run down by an armoured car.
"… AaaaaAAAAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Diamond Tiara furiously mashed the buttons on her controller until she had respawned. "Fuck style! You're just gonna die!" Diamond pulled out her homing launcher and aimed it towards Scootaloo's car, firing and blowing up the chicken once-and-for-all. It cost her 50,000 bits.
"Oh, that's fine! I'll just not do that fucking heist I was saving up for!" Diamond pulled out her phone and called in her personal vehicle, bored with Scootaloo and now seeking a new victim.
Suddenly, somepony spawned in front of her. It was none other than Button Mash, Ponyville's notorious gamer and the bane of Diamond Tiara existence in this game.
"No," she said. "No no no no no no no-" Suddenly, there were fifty Diamond Tiaras in the street, though the false ones were easily identifiable by their green manes. Before Diamond Tiara could react, everything blew up. Not just herself, either; everypony in the server seemed to explode together.
Diamond Tiara sighed and opened the pause menu. "Fucking hackers. You ruin everything." Diamond Tiara opted to load a new session, putting her back into the loading screen. And so she waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited some more.
The game gave her a message, alerting her to the fact that the session she was attempting to join was full. A vein popped.
"THEN CHECK BEFORE TRYING TO JOIN!"
The game was kind enough to attempt to load her previous session back up. And so she waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And wait-
Connection lost. Returning to single-player.
Diamond Tiara threw her controller against the wall and forced the game to close with her keyboard. "Fuck this game! I'm gonna write a My Little Human fanfic!"
Diamond Tiara booted up her Word Processor and stared blankly at the screen for several minutes, wondering what to write about. A topic that was interesting or relevant to her. A topic that she needed get onto paper.
… Diamond Tiara reached forwards and started to type, starting with the title. 'Yukito plays Grand Theft Auto V'.
