The Misadventures of Chocolate Dick: Human, Caretaker, Hero

by Eggtaro

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Fluttershy
Length: 3117

You. Stop rubbing your eyes. There's nothing off with your eyes; you have not read the title wrongly, it is as what you've read. This is the tale of a man named Adam, a.k.a. Chocolate Dick, and how he eventually became the hero of Equestria.

Before we begin, allow me to introduce myself to you, my dear reader. To be frank, I am merely a voice in your head, that person talking inside of your mind as you continue to read down this passage. I have no real name, for I do not exist. Like I've said, I am merely a voice you have created within your brain. A voice that will accompany you throughout this tale of a man named Chocolate Dick.

No, no. He does not have a literal chocolate-coated er...dick. No sir, this man's rather misleading name was bestowed upon him by the ponies of Equestria. Well, one pony, to be precise. You shall find out more about it later in the tale I am about to share with you.

Chocolate Dick, a.k.a. Adam was a man who possess great love and passion for animals. He absolutely adores them; normal, mythical, mystical, you name it. As long as the creature was categorized under the label 'Animals' he'll love it. So, as one might expect, when he was given the opportunity to go to Equestria, Adam immediately jumped on it. Besides, Equestria was an entire world filled with all sorts of animals. All waiting for Adam to learn, understand, and love.

Adam may be the eponymous main character in this tale, but what sort of tale would this be without a deuteragonist? Adam was not alone in this, no. He was with someone. A pony, by the name of Fluttershy. Their meeting was not a coincidence, but it wasn't fate that brought them together, either. Strangers at first, the two slowly find out that they are connected in more ways than one. Ways that could change their lives entirely.

So, have you gotten used to my voice yet? No? Well, my tale is about to begin. So I suggest you get comfortable. For this is a tale you won't forget any time soon. The tale...of Chocolate Dick. A human, a caretaker, and eventually...a hero.

Cover art by Daruqe

Published 2015-10-23 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-23 01:50:02 UTC

Adam

It all began with a letter.

Like almost every other story you might have read, watched or heard about, it's a pretty clichéd way to start one, I know. But that is how this tale began. With a letter. Not the ones you'll normally receive by computers, or mobile phones. No, this letter arrived by magic. Literally.

Adam starts his day like he does every morning; brushing his teeth. It was a fine Thursday morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. Everything seemed perfect. Adam simply enjoyed mornings such as that one. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, sleep still lingering in his eyes.

A young man at the age of twenty-four. Adam was an unemployed, unfortunately. He was now currently living in his parents house's basement. Due to his own inability to earn money to care for himself, Adam lived off with the money his poor, poor parents struggled to earn. His parents were getting old, and sooner or later, they won't be around to care for their boy. And they feared the worst for him.

But they love their son. No matter how useless, or how much of a burden he is. They don't complain much, and continued to care for their child. But deep down within their hearts, they wanted to see Adam shine on his own. To earn money with his own hands, to buy a house which he can proudly call his own, to find a hot wife, and bless them with a hundred grandchildren.

None of that can be a reality, however, as long as Adam was still in their home. And Papa Adam believed it was due time he told his son the truth. The truth that he and Mama Adam can no longer hold within them. They needed to tell their son, or else he will never learn to be reliable, useful, or independent.

"Son," Papa Adam had said one night during dinner. "We're kicking you out."

Adam knew that day was coming. Judgement day, he called it. It has been almost three years since Adam graduated from college, and nearly two years since he moved back in with his parents. He had tried his best to look for work. A job with a steady income. But there weren't many job openings for 'animal caretaker', especially around his part of town. Ever since Adam could walk, he has a deep fondness for animals: dogs, cats, birds, even lizards. He finds them fascinating, and interesting.

That fondness turned to love, and from that love it became a passion; Adam knew that he was meant to be an animal caretaker. He was rather good with animals, or so he tells himself. And he won't choose any other job but caring for animals. His parents did not mind that their son wanted to be an animal caretaker; in fact, they supported his choice. But after having their son live in their basement for such a long time, without a job, or any money, they're beginning to question their son's career choice.

"You might as well forget about it." they told Adam. "Find something else to do, something profitable and one that is in a much higher demand."

Adam protested, of course. He voiced his disapproval of searching for another field to work in. But, his father's words were law, and Adam has to abide them, regardless of what he thought about the matter. Adam was to leave the house on Thursday, before the sun reaches its highest point in the sky. From that point onwards, he'll be left to fend for himself, without any allowance, without a home, and without pity.

And so it was on that Thursday morning, during the brushing of his teeth, did the letter from Equestria arrive. It appeared outta nowhere, poofing into the upstairs bathroom with a cloud of blue smoke. Adam coughed, and gagged, and nearly swallowed the foaming toothpaste in his mouth. He stared at the yellowish rolled up parchment, resting comfortably on top of the toilet seat. A red ribbon with a golden seal was tied around it, preventing the parchment from unfurling itself.

Adam dropped his toothbrush, and quickly snatched the letter from the toilet seat, excitement burning within him. To his knowledge, letters like this could only mean one thing, and one thing only: he was invited to join the Equestrian Homestay Program, a program planned and executed by Earth's World Government and Equestria's Allied Kingdoms. To think that Adam was chosen for such a program was an honour, and a privilege; this was not something that you can just register in an office or apply on-line on your laptop; every year, for the past five years, only about a thousand people from around the world were selected for the homestay program. It must've been through sheer luck that Adam was within this group of people for this year's chosen ones.

Not to mention it was going to be a goldmine for Adam. He had heard plenty of unconfirmed rumours and whispered stories about the alien world. But there was only one thing that caught his full-blown attention: the animals that thrived in Equestria: griffins, dragons, and talking ponies!

A little hardcore, some might say, having an interest in fire-breathing dragons and magic-casting unicorns. But, then again, Adam was never really the normal sort. No, I do not mean he's touched in the head or something like that, no. He love animals, sure. But his interest in animals also extends well beyond that of the ordinary. Mythical beasts excites his curious bones, and magical creatures was an absolute must-see for the young man.

Besides, this invitation could well be a career opportunity for Adam. If he could not find any jobs here on Earth, he might as well see if he can get a job in Equestria. There were no written laws that stated humans are not allowed to work in an alien world, and there was already plenty of humans that currently work and live in Equestria. This could be his long awaited big break. The chance of a lifetime.

So, you could already imagine the look on Adam's face when he showed the letter to his parents. He was so excited, he started jumping around the house like a ten-year old on a sugar rush. His parents did not show the same enthusiasm as their son, however. They personally believed that all humans must remain in their own world, without the corrupted influences of an alien world.

Nevertheless, Papa and Mama Adam were still happy for their son. Maybe this was the answer to their prayers, the shining light that would lead their son down the path of independence. Be it on Earth or Equestria, their little Adam would soon learn the true meaning of hard-work, earning money, and what it means to be a grown-up.

They were there to send their son off, when he stood with the countless hundreds of other at the magnificent Grand Portal. The Grand Portal was the only means of getting into Equestria, it was a huge marble structure, with untranslated words and glowing-magical runes carved deep into the portal's sides. The Grand Portal was operated by several humans and ponies alike. They stood there vigilant, and watchful, making sure that no idiot would decide to cause a scene in the presence of so many.

Adam shook with anticipation upon his very first look at the talking ponies. He wanted to run up to them, grab them by the neck and give them a warm hug. He wanted to touch their manes, feel the softness of their fur, and tickle their adorable ears. He wanted to talk to them, for he never had that chance to do with Earth's animals.

There were so many things Adam wanted to do. But he knew he had to keep himself well-behaved, and well controlled. Last thing he needed was to be kicked out of the homestay program, and sent out into the streets to look for a job at McDonald's or worse.

All Adam had to do, was to walk into the portal --- nothing specific, nothing ritual-like. All he had to do was to walk straight into the massive portal. He waved good-bye to his parents, who sobbed loudly, filled with an unspeakable joy for their son's departure. No longer do they need to feed an extra mouth, no longer do they need to rent a motel to do their 'grown-up' stuff. They were free at last, unchained from the shackles that bind them. The shackles which was their son.

Papa and Mama Adam stayed and watched 'till Adam went through the portal. Once he was no longer visible, no longer on Earth, they immediately ran back into the family car and drove home like the devil.

Here, my dear reader, is where the tale truly begins. Do you require a moment to rest your eyes? To use the lavatory perhaps? No? Very well then, let us continue.

"All humans who are visiting Equestria for the very first time for the Equestrian Homestay Program are required to have a name given to them." Adam raised his eyebrow at this note. Why must he be given a name? Wasn't the name 'Adam' enough to call him by? He paid no real heed to the matter of course. If this 'name' was a must then so be it. Besides, Adam was very interested in finding out what his given name would be.

He followed the line of other humans in front of him, but their numbers were no longer in the uncountable hundreds; only a handful of them remained. The trip itself through the portal was nothing special ---it was like walking through a door. At first, Adam expected to find himself in an enchanted world, filled with tall trees and blossoming flowers. He expected to see warm, smiling faces from the locals who lived here, he expected to be swarmed by the cute, cuddly looking ponies, all eager and curious to meet him.

But no. Instead, the portal led him to a small, shabby office. The appearance of the portal back on Earth was completely different compared to the one in Equestria. On Earth, the Grand Portal was huge, and beautiful, whereas the one behind him was small, and battered. Chunks of marble were missing from the portal, and Adam swore one of the runes was starting to crack.

Adam was not alone in this sudden surprise; his fellow chosen ones looked around the office with disappointed looks painted on their faces. Perhaps they expected the same as Adam?

At the very front of the small office was a single table. Seated behind it was a grey-coloured pony, its mane a hellish black. The pony gave them all a lazed glance as it stood up from its seat, sighing heavily.

"Everyone, please form a line." The pony said in a dull, monotonous tone, as if having repeated the line many times already. "Welcome to the kingdom of Equestria." it spread a hoof behind him, sarcastically indicating the wooden wall behind him. Clearly, the pony was bored of his job, having showed no signs of life and enthusiasm as Adam had hoped for.

"My name is Name Rater. I am the eighth-hundred and twelfth generation of name raters. It is my civic duty to bestow upon you a name that you will use during your stay here in Equestria." said Name Rater the 812th. "Step up when it is your turn, and answer all of my questions truthfully." he returned to his seat when he was done, and pulled out a stack of papers from underneath the table. "Once your name has been given to you, please enter the door behind me on my left." he motioned at the door with a lazy hoof.

Everyone ---except Name Rater--- glanced at the door next to him. Adam was surprised he had not notice it 'till recently. Everything within the office looked so dull, and wooden. Was he really in Equestria? Where was the welcome party? Where was the life?

"Why must we be given a name?" someone asked within the line. "Aren't our real names enough?" a few people nodded their heads in agreement.

"For the past five years, I've heard and seen my fair share of humans with the same names: Harry, Bob, Tim --- it's always the same. It might be easy for you humans to keep track of who's who on Earth. But here, on Equestria, we do it differently." Name Rater yawned loudly. "Names here on Equestria are more than just an identification, you know."

"You all might also have noticed that there are only several of you here. Please do not be alarmed. We obviously cannot have a thousand of you in a single office at one time. When you entered the Grand Portal, a certain number of you were sent to different areas within Equestria." Name Rater rested his cheek on a hoof. "You may end up in Manehattan, or Appleloosa. It is all by random, of course." he let out another bored sigh. "You all are currently in the small town of Ponyville. Whichever area you end up in will be the place where your homestay will be conducted."

"So we can't ask to be relocated or anything?" a young red-haired woman in front of Adam asked. Several other people began to whisper, each with their own set of questions that needed answering.

"No." said Name Rater, with a hint of annoyance in his tone. "Please leave your questions for someone else. I only need to do my job. Not provide you lot with answers." he picked up the first piece of paper from the stack. "Come forward to my desk when you hear your name. Let us begin. Parry, Hotter!"

A young man with glasses and messy black hair stepped out from the line and went forward. Adam stood on his tiptoes to get a better view as to what was going on. He couldn't hear what the two in front were talking about, since everyone in the room began chattering at once. All asking the same questions Adam wanted to ask.

"I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this." Adam heard one woman said.

"What kind of treatment is this? I thought that will be a party or something." another said behind him.

"Go to an alien world, they said. It would be fun, they said."

"Name Rater looks pretty bored, doesn't he?"

"Silence!" Name Rater shouted, killing the noise in the office almost instantly. "I'd prefer working in a more peaceful environment. If you humans don't mind." he gave everyone an annoyed look. "I'd also need to shout your given name, as commanded by my superiors."

"Why?" several people asked at once.

"Your name is something you should be proud of. You must wear it like a badge of honour, a piece of amour that protects you. For a name not only tells you and others who you are, it also symbolizes your speciality. Your name is your fate, as it is your identity. When somepony calls your name, respond with pride. When somepony shouts your name, be proud of it." the entire thing would've sounded much better, if it were not for Name Rater's dead-panned tone. "At least, that is what my superiors asked me to tell you."

"Now, shut up, and let me do my job in peace." Name Rater pointed a hoof at the bespectacled man in front of him. "You, Parry Hotter, your name in Equestria will be...Wizard Pants!"

Several people laughed, Adam included. Wizard Pants stared at Name Rater in disbelief as the pony gave him the piece of paper he was holding on to. Name Rater waved him away, and the poor young man left the office with a dejected look on his face.

"Think that was funny don't you?" Name Rater asked, amidst the sounds of laughter, grabbing another paper from the stack. "Yours might be even worse than his, ever thought of that?"

The laughter died instantly.

"Next! Dathan Nrake!"

As the number of people in the office slowly dwindled, Adam tried his best not to burst out laughing. Many of the names he heard was enough to kill a man with laughter. He was sure his name wasn't going to be so bad. Besides, how bad could his new name be, right? He'd like a funny name. That way, it would make him sound more approachable.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Adam was the only one left in the office. He took a deep breath and approached Name Rater's table. He gave the pony his best smile. Hoping to win the grey pony's favour. A favour that might help Adam get a good name. "Hi th---"

"Stop smiling, you look like an idiot." Name Rater snapped as he read the last piece of paper on his table, ignoring Adam's failed greeting. "Let's see... you'll be staying with a miss...Fluttershy for the duration of your homestay. It say's here she lives in a small cottage near the Everfree Forest."

"What does she do?" Adam asked, out of curiosity, flashing a pleasant smile.

"She kills animals for a living; she sells their hides and cook savoury dishes out of their rotting corpses. Happy?"

Adam's smile disappeared and his jaw dropped. "Are you serious?!" he asked loudly.

"Yes. Now shut up, and answer my questions --- I wanna be outta this dump as soon as possible, and you're wasting my precious time. What's your favourite snack?"

Adam was taken aback by the question. He was expecting tougher ones, not a simple one like 'What's your favourite snack'. "Erm... I dunno, chocolate?"

"Chocolate huh? What do you do for a living back on Earth?"

"I-I don't have a job." Adam said sheepishly.

"Reaaallly? You don't say." Name Rater tsked at him. "Alright, last question. What, in your own words, is your speciality?"

"M-My speciality? I-I dunno." Adam rubbed his neck. He already had an answer prepared, but he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to say. He decided to just roll with it. "I'm good with animals. So, I guess you could say my speciality is ani---"

"Don't care. I already have your new name ready for you." Name Rater interrupted, cutting Adam short. "Are you ready for it?"

Adam nodded his head. His heart pounded with excitement as he waited for his new name to be announced. He was sure his name was going to sound bad-ass. Maybe he'll get a cool name like Tropic Thunder, or Dynamic Dynamite. Maybe even---

"Chocolate Dick."