Dinky Doo and the Quest for the Sacred Treats

by PaulAsaran

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Dinky Hooves, Random, Adventure, Main 6
Length: 18992

Too sick to protect Ponyville, the Paper Knight sends her noble squire Dinky to find the Sacred Treats before Nightmare Moon arrives to eat all the foals of Ponyville. A true Nightmare Night legend!

Derpy Hooves, the heroic Paper Knight of Ponyville, has fallen ill. Unable to protect Ponyville from the coming of Nightmare Moon, she sends her beloved squire on a great and noble quest to meet the Heroes of the Kitchen Table, gather the Sacred Treats and deliver them to the Monolith of the Nightmare.

Travel with Dinky across the town of Ponyville as she makes new friends, battles fearsome foes and outwits wily tricksters. With her loyal mentor and guide Marelin at her side, there's no threat she can't handle!

Except maybe bedtime.

Inspired by a conversation in the comments section of The Gentle Nights: Audience of One. Reading AoO is not at all necessary. Takes place the first Nightmare Night after the events of Luna Eclipsed, but before the episode Magical Mystery Cure.

Pre-read by Mayhew Cullen and Absolution. Thanks, guys!

Awesome new cover art generously donated by KorenCZ11!

Published 2015-10-30 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-30 20:20:01 UTC

Part I: The Noble Quest

Dinky examined her cloak in both hooves, raising it to the light. It had been made of the finest paper armor, hoof-stitched from only the best store bags acquired from many moons of adventures to the market. Her lips curled into a proud smile as she turned it around to discover the noble insignia of her family: a trio of fresh-baked muffins.

Oh, but the Hooves family had a proud lineage. Her stepfather, The Timekeeper, was established through all the land as the greatest mind when it came to tickers, tockers, dongers and all other varieties of timekeeping, to say nothing for his travels to the future and back. Dinky had warmly embraced his knowledge and intellect into her family, for it took a brave and noble soul to battle creatures both past, present and future.

Yet it was in her mother that Dinky was the most proud. The first and only knight of Ponyville, the Noble Derpy Hooves had been christened the Paper Knight by none other than Princess Luna herself exactly one year ago today. Such a great honor was bestowed upon their family that night, but that honor also came with great responsibility. The Lady Derpy had seen to her task with a resolve befitting her title, and Dinky had been so awed by the display that she begged for but one thing:

To be her mother’s squire.

Now, tonight, Dinky had earned her just reward. A full year of goodness: no late-night study sessions with Little Sparkle; no rescuing cookies from the Fortress of Jar; and always eating her pickles and okra despite being almost certain they had been poisoned by the dreaded Bunny Fiend. All these good deeds, and even greater sacrifices she dared not dwell upon, had led up to this one glorious moment.

For tonight she would no longer be a mere Dinky. No, she would become Dinky Doo Hooves, Paper Squire to Lady Derpy! With great flare – but not too much flare, for she should not let her ego get the best of her, or risk ripping the paper – she set the cape upon her shoulders and stood before the mirror of her chambers. Her smile shone like the Sun; at long last, she was who she’d always wanted to be!

The door to her chambers opened, and her stepfather entered the room. He smiled upon her glorious form, clearly awed by her majesty, and patted the purple bed with its decorative stars and moon. “Hop up, little lady. It’s almost time.”

Dinky turned to him, nearly tripping on her cape. She brushed it aside with a hmmph; she’d have to get used to that. “Daddy! I’m not ‘little lady.’ I’m the Paper Squire, First Squire of My Lady Derpy! You’ve gotta say it right.”

He pressed a hoof to his chest and fell back from her righteous indignation. “Do forgive me, Paper Squire! It’s so hard to get used to new titles.”

She hopped onto the bed and grinned, sharing a nuzzle with him. “It’s alright. I’ll forgive you because you’re my daddy. You can keep calling me 'little lady,' too.”

“Oh, how generous! I am so grateful, little lady.” He basked in her radiance for but a moment before turning his side to the bed. “If it would please you, your mother has something she wishes to say to you.”

“Okay!” She hopped onto his back, scrambling for purchase before climbing up properly. “You gotta stand lower!”

“I’ll be sure to work on that.”

As he trotted for the door, she turned and waved to her loyal servants. “Good night, Little Sparkle! I’ll be back to read with you soon. And Mr. Sneakybear, don’t try to find my cookie! I hid it really well this time. Behave, everypony.” The teddy bear and Twilight Sparkle doll bowed flamboyantly to their lady, swearing on their honor to keep the chambers safe while she was gone. Dinky sighed with satisfaction; they were such good servants.

They passed through the living room of Chateau Hooves, quickly coming before the open door of the most sacred place in the undeniably formidable structure – she didn’t care what Diamond Tiara said, a five-room home was huge! With great reverence, the Paper Squire’s father brought her into the bedroom of her parents at a trot. Her mood collapsed quickly when she gazed upon the lone resident.

The bed was grand, big enough for two ponies! And a filly, but only on nights when the wicked Closet Critters and ominous Beast Beneath the Bed came to visit. Yet as grand as the bed was, the mare resting upon it was more so. Her coat shone a brilliant silver and her mane shined like the Sun! Her eyes had been blessed to gaze in two directions at once, the best to watch her enemies by. She was a true beauty, one whom the Paper Squire could only dream of matching.

But at this most important of times, the Paper Knight remained trapped in her bed. Her sturdy paper helmet sat unused on the nightstand and the knight’s smile was frail. Dinky stepped off her father’s back and onto the bed, moving in to nuzzle her poor, sickly mother, but her father held her back.

“I’m sorry, honey,” the Paper Knight wheezed. “We don’t want you to get sick, too.”

The loyal squire bowed her head. “I understand, Mommy. I guess you won’t be going out tonight, huh?”

“No, I can’t.” She sniffed and pressed a handkerchief to her muzzle for a moment. Upon lowering it, she blessed her daughter with a smile. “Dinky, would you be willing to go on a quest for me?”

“A quest?” The squire’s head rose swiftly, her ears perking. “Already? B-but I only just became a squire today!”

“I know, but this is important.” The Paper Knight waved her grand hoof to the window, through which the majestic moon shone brightly. “Tonight is the night. The Scourge of Equestria, Nightmare Moon, is coming. If she is not appeased, she may eat all the fillies and colts of Ponyville. She must be appeased.”

The Paper Squire stared at the moon and shivered. Yes, she recalled the return of the Nightmare last year. Truly, it had been a horrifying experience for the town. “B-but, that’s your job. What if I can’t do it?”

“You can.” The Lady Derpy gave her warm smile to her squire. “You must go out to meet the Heroes of the Kitchen Table. They will bestow upon you their sacred treats, which you must deliver to the Monolith of the Nightmare before the Scourge descends from the Moon. Do this, and Ponyville will remain safe for another year.”

Dinky’s jaw dropped. Rubbing her eyes, she looked to her stepfather, but the Timekeeper only nodded encouragingly. “You can do it.”

She turned to her mother. “B-but you’re sick!” Then her stepfather. “And you have to t-take care of Mommy. I can’t go on this journey alone. I don’t know where to go!”

The Lady Hooves chuckled, only to be reduced to a coughing fit. The Timekeeper hurried to her side, but she waved her husband back. Soon the fit ended and she regained her smile. “Don’t worry, Dinky, I’ve arranged for somepony special to escort you. She is a wise and good pony, and will surely lead you on the path to victory.”

With a flamboyant wave, she gestured to the door. Dinky turned about to find a figure standing in the light of the kitchen, its head topped by a tall, pointed hat. Dinky squinted at the figure hidden in shadow. “Who are you?”

The pony stepped forward to reveal a mare dressed in a thin blue cloak decorated with stars. Bags of noxious alchemical concoctions hung from pockets all over her form and a number of feathers stuck out of her elaborate hat. The mare herself was a luxurious purple, and she smiled upon her young charge with eyes most kind.

Dinky’s eyes widened. “Y-you’re—”

“It is I!” The mage waved her hoof in the air in time to catch a long, gnarled staff that was held in a violet glow. “Your guide for the evening, Marelin. A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Paper Squire.”

The Paper Squire, for only a moment, neglected her noble manner and began to bounce on the bed. “I’m going out with Twilight! This is the best Nightmare Night ever!”

Then reality came back to her young mind. She coughed, smoothed her cape and struck a pose appropriate for a filly of noble breeding, one leg raised and muzzle so high she had to brace to avoid falling backwards. She really would have to discuss changes to proper noble poise with her mother when this adventure was over.

“Ahem. I mean, I accept you as my guide, Marelin.”

“Wonderful!” Marelin stepped aside and waved her staff to the door, leaving a trail of sparkles in its wake. “Then by your mother’s leave, shall we begin our quest, noble squire?”

“Yes!” The Paper Squire performed a daring and majestic leap from her mother’s bed, one so great that the floor became enamored with her grace and rushed a little too quickly to meet her. She yelped and closed her eyes, but her meeting with the overeager fan was stopped by the chiming tone of magic. She opened her eyes in time for Marelin to deposit her safely on the floor.

Making a note to lecture the floor later about getting too excited, the Paper Knight hurried out the door. “Bye Mommy, bye Daddy! I’ll make you both proud!”

Marelin giggled and cast one last wink at the grinning parents before turning to follow after her eager young charge.

Author's Note

And so begins the epic journey of the Paper Knight! What epic foes shall she defeat, what fantastic locations will she visit?

I've never written anything like this before, so if it looks a little rough around the edges then that's why. I've been writing so much gloom lately, I thought it was high time I flexed my muscles in the other genres. As the story goes along, I'll be using the A/N of each chapter to explain the inspiration behind each name. Bear in mind that these are very loose inspirations and not meant to be taken seriously at all.

When I wrote this story, I set upon myself three rules: 1) all chapters had to be between 1,000 and 2,000 words, 2) It had to be seen through the lens of a child's fantasy, and 3) that fantasy had to be breached every now and then by reality. Do let me know how I did at the end, yes?

Part II: The Princess of Shallots

And so began the dangerous quest of our brave heroine Dinky Doo Hooves, Paper Squire, and her wise guide Marelin. They set out from Chateau Hooves, which had been wisely placed within short distance of the local market. On normal days, peasants of all varieties strolled about making their daily purchases from traders both fair and foul. On this dark and ominous night, few of the village regulars roamed.

“We must make for the market,” Marelin declared, waving her ever-glimmering and surely powerful staff towards the distant locale. “There we shall find the first Hero of the Kitchen.”

“Well said, Marelin.” The Paper Squire applauded her guide’s choice words – clearly she knew her role well.

“Of course! I have been studying, y’know.” Marelin offered a wink. “Just as I know you have been, right, oh noble squire?”

“I have.” The Paper Squire nodded enthusiastically. “I even almost have levi… l-levti… levitation down.”

“Good to know! Now come along, we shouldn’t keep the first hero waiting.”

“Right!”

Thus did they begin their journey, the squire and the mage, across the dark night of Ponyville. Ever mindful of her duty as town protector, the squire kept her eye out for goblins, gargoyles, flimflams and the ever-icky Schmooze. By fortune or fate, none of these things seemed to be out on this most ominous of nights. She did see a few lazy zomponies on porches and tricky paper bats hanging from trees, and she could have sworn those jack-o-lanterns were looking at her funny. Still, all knew to keep their distance, for she was the legendary Paper Squire!

Okay, so maybe she wasn’t legendary quite yet, as Marelin fastidiously pointed out, but she’d get there someday.

As they approached the bridge leading to the market, voices arose in the cool night air. Marelin proved curious. Knowing the potential dangers, the Paper Squire valiantly offered to lead the way. There, behind two great trees and standing beside the roaring river, stood a lovely princess with a bright red mane and a dress made of shallots. To Marelin’s and the squire’s dismay, she appeared to be beset by a pair of ruffians donning cloaks and cardboard armor.

“You’re not a princess,” laughed the short, green one. “Princesses have crowns. Or are you the Princess of Braces?”

“Yeah,” the tall, orange one added, “braces!”

“And are those onions? Oh, so you must be the Princess of Stink!”

The tall one guffawed. “Good one!”

The princess, trembling before her oppressors, carefully hid her mouth behind one dainty hoof. “It wath lath minute. You don’t have to be tho mean!”

“Heeeey,” the tall one rumbled, his long neck craning around the young damsel, “she’s got a sword.”

“Hah!” The short one threw his head back and scoffed. “Princesses don’t use swords. Only knights can use those!”

The distraught princess stepped back from them, tears welling in her eyes. “But… but my dad…”

Suddenly, the Paper Squire bounded forward, placing herself between the princess and the ruffians. “Leave her alone!”

The knaves fell back before her righteous anger, the taller one tripping and falling in his hasty retreat. “Who are you supposed to be?” the shorter one asked.

Dinky flung her cape back in a gallant display, but the papery cloth proved too enraptured with said gallantry and came back to wrap around her face. It took her precious seconds to pull back the rebellious accessory, during which time her new foes chose to mock her display. So coarse and battering were their words that the Paper Squire forgot her stalwart duty in favor of fighting a most un-squire-like display of liquid pride.

It was then that the wise Marelin strode onto the scene, her staff shaking the earth when she struck it to the ground. “What do you two think you’re doing?”

Before Marelin’s magical might, the two ruffians ceased their mockery and trembled. “H-hey, we were just kidding,” the smaller one insisted.

“Yeah, kidding,” the taller one mimed, his head hidden behind his companion.

“You should both know better than to pick on other ponies.” Marelin’s eyes shined with the fury of her words. She aimed her staff at the two of them. “What are your names?”

The tall one raised his head in befuddlement. “Uh, but you know our names. We’re Snips and—”

The smaller one delivered a harmless blow to his comrade, ending his confused statement. “I’m Tom Dumb,” he declared dramatically, waving his dagger of polished wood in the air. He pointed it at his companion, who busied himself trying to get his own weapon out of its sheath. “And this is G’rain the Adventurer!”

Marelin observed the pair with a haughtiness befitting her status. “G’rain’s cloak was red, and Tom Dumb had a beard. You should have done more research on your costumes, boys. Think on that before you attempt to lecture others.” Her staff waved to the shallot-endowed princess, who had busied herself with calming the Paper Squire. “By comparison, The Lady of Shallots’ dress is almost perfect! You both should be ashamed. Why, she even got the sizing right, as indicated from the Chronicles of…”

And so did the famed wizard use her greatest weapon to best her foes: the dreaded Lecture of the Ages™. So long was her diatribe, so detailed her knowledge, that the two ruffians were rendered to harmlessness. Even the dear Princess of Shallots – a poor civilian casualty – was not entirely spared from her verbiage. Only the Paper Squire, who had been a devoted student of the great mage, was unaffected by a most epic spiel capable of making the ears of lesser mortals bleed.

“Please, great Marelin!” Tom Dumb begged as the two ruffians prostrated themselves before her, “no more! We’ll do whatever you ask!”

“Yeah, make it stop!”

Marelin did smile upon her vanquished foes, and turned her gaze upon her protégé. “And what, dear squire, would you recommend we do with these poor ponies?”

Though so young as to have no mark of identity, the Paper Squire was a good student, and knew a test when it presented itself. She considered all she’d learned from Marelin before standing tall before the trembling ponies. “Come with us,” she declared, extending her hoof in friendship. “We’re on a quest to appease Nightmare Moon! If we succeed, maybe the Princess of Shallots will forgive you.”

“A wise choice, my apprentice,” Marelin pronounced, rewarding the Paper Squire with a smile. “What say you, G’rain and Tom?”

The ruffians agreed instantly, thrilled at the prospect of going on a grand quest with the courageous duo! Before they continued their journey, however, the Princess of Shallots approached the Paper Squire, holding aloft a sword of great splendor.

“Noble thquire, withz Marelin, thankth for coming to my aid. Pleath take thith thword ath a gift. It don’t fit my cothtume, anyway.”

The Paper Squire was humbled by this offer, as is befitting a pony of her statue. “Are you sure? Isn’t it a gift from your daddy?”

But the Princess of Shallots only offered a beatific, metal-laced smile. “I’m thure he’ll underthtand.”

Yet Marelin would not allow the Paper Squire to wield just any weapon. She scrutinized the princess’s sword with a studious eye, testing it for sharpness and weight and, perhaps, a special enchantment or two. When she completed her inspection she was naught but smiles.

“This is a fabulous sword of only the best foam!” she announced before proffering the weapon to the Paper Squire with great reverence. “It is more than befitting a hero of your stature. Oh Lady of Shallots, please give my compliments to your father on his fine craftsmanship, as well as my promise to return such a priceless weapon once our adventure has ended.”

Thus did the Paper Squire claim a blade of great power, a proper weapon to protect her and her allies from foes both great and small!

At least until bedtime.

Author's Note

And lo, the Paper Squire makes her first allies on her grand adventure! First off, let me just note that, yes, I am aware that there is a lot of venom aimed in the direction of Twist, and that many will gripe about me utilizing her lisp as an in-story accent. But it felt wrong of me to not at least include her in something like this, so I went with it and have no regrets. On the bright side (for all involved, let me assure you), she only gets a cameo.

The Princess of Shallots = Elaine of Astolat, the Lady of Shalott, who died from lovesickness over Sir Lancelot.

Tom Dumb = Tom Thumb, a tiny man created by Merlin who became an honorary knight under King Arthur.

G'rain the Adventurer = Ywain the Adventurous, a Knight of the Round Table said to have tamed a lion. In some versions of Arthurian legend, he is accidentally killed by fellow knight Gawain.

Part III: The Lady Carrot Head

The market of Ponyville, normally alive with vendors and buyers, was tonight the gathering place of a host of creatures both familiar and strange. Groaning ghouls, scaled dragons and tricky changelings rubbed shoulders with playful faeries, brave firemares and speedy Wonderbolts. On any other night, these creatures might have taken arms against one another.

But this was Nightmare Night, the dreaded eve that Nightmare Moon would descend upon the hapless town, and so all manner of beings both decent and dire joined together in hopes of mutual protection. After all, none wished to spend the rest of their lives within the Scourge’s gullet. So it was that a temporary peace had settled upon the creatures of the night and day, who cavorted merrily in hopes of forgetting the threat that loomed over them all.

The Paper Squire and her entourage knew better. The Mare in the Moon would come, and no great alliance would stand in the way of her and her meal. Only the appeasement of Sacred Treats, carefully crafted by the Heroes of the Kitchen Table, could appease the wicked creature’s gluttony. So it was that the shrewd Marelin led her charge and their new compatriots, Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer, to the home of the first Hero to gain her blessed bounty.

The first Hero of the Kitchen lived in a modest farmhouse just outside the market, surrounded by many an acre of carrot fields. She stood outside her home before a great table covered in treats, dressed in a shimmering orange and yellow dress studded with delicate pearls. Her head was topped with a cap of carrot leaves and she held a spear tipped with only the sharpest, ripest root.

When the Paper Squire’s party arrived at her table, the lady offered a flamboyant bow and the most pleasant of grins. “Greetings Marelin! I see you have brought the Paper Squire here in place of her noble mother. I am Lady Carrot Head, Slayer of Leporidae and Guardian of the Deep Roots.”

The Paper Squire paid rapt attention to this introduction, but was taken by confusion. “What’s a Lepori… Leper…”

“Ah, and you must be the Paper Squire.” The Lady Carrot Head gave another bow. “Leporidae are rabbits, my dear.”

Upon hearing this declaration, Tom Dumb laughed uproariously. “You fight rabbits? Oh, scary.”

“Be not so quick to judge,” Marelin suggested. “Not all rabbits are cute and fluffy, my friends.”

“Indeed. I have met a few in my time who were quite the daunting foe.” The Lady Carrot Head shivered from memories far too dire for the minds of mortals. “Yet I bested them all. All save the dreaded Rabbit Fiend of Weird Analog; pray you never cross swords with that beast!”

“Aww, I’m not scared of no rabbit,” G’rain the Adventurer declared, once more struggling with his weapon in its sheath.

“Lucky that you will likely never meet it, then.” The Lady Carrot Head turned to the Paper Squire, her smile returning. “I have heard from your father of the dire circumstances. You have come in her stead to acquire my blessed Candied Carrots as tribute to Nightmare Moon, have you not? I have them ready for you, let me—”

“Hold it right there!”

From the darkness leapt a new face! He was a small but brave – and quite dashing, if he did say so himself – pirate, complete with a blue tunic and an eyepatch that surely covered a most gruesome wound. He brandished a rapier of mighty wood, which he directed at the unsuspecting heroes.

“I am the Dreaded Pip the Pirate,” he declared with a smile that was quite menacing. “I’m claiming those candied carrots for my buried treasure!”

“Oh, my,” the Lady Carrot Head opined, “but these candies are meant to appease Nightmare Moon, and I cannot give them to every pony who wants them! How will we keep her at bay?”

“Fear not,” the Paper Squire declared as she held up her mighty foam sword. “I will best this foe and claim the bounty, for the Paper Knight and the salvation of Ponyville!”

“A-ha!” Pip the Pirate scoffed, “You would dare to challenge me? I am a dreaded and dashing pirate. You are only a squire. Have at thee!”

And so, despite Marelin’s pleas for calm, the Paper Squire and the Dreaded Pirate joined one another in epic battle, their weapons dancing as fast as their hooves. Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer cheered on their friend even as they snacked upon the Lady Carrot Head’s less blessed carroty confections. Though the two warriors were of equal skill with their preferred weapons, their battle did worry Marelin and the Lady Carrot Head, for the Dreaded Pirate’s sword was of wood and thus far more threatening.

Yet their fears were in vain, for soon after the battle had begun did the ever-quick Paper Squire land a glancing blow upon her foe’s head. “See, you are wounded!” she cried triumphantly. “Now you have lost your other eye.”

The Dreaded Pirate, acknowledging his wound, fell to his knees with an anguished cry. “No, not my good eye! But I’ve only one eyepatch! Why couldn’t it have been a leg? I always wanted a peg leg.”

Marelin approached the duo, using her magic to pull the Paper Squire back lest she grant the pirate his desire. “If you will yield and promise not to threaten any more ponies with your piraty ways, I shall heal your eye,” the wizard offered.

“Yes, yes, please,” the no-longer dreaded pirate begged. “I cannot lose an eye without a second eyepatch, that would look terrible! The other pirates would laugh at me.”

So Marelin did heal the pirate’s eye, for which he was eternally grateful and swore to never raid another pony’s candy bag again, except perhaps when he was running dangerously low in confectionery. “But I was only trying to collect enough candy to ask Nightmare Moon to leave me and my fellow pirates alone. We don’t want to be eaten!”

The Paper Squire heard this confession and rejoiced. “Then we have the same goal! My mother is the Paper Knight, and she’s given me a holy quest to gather the sacred treats that will save everypony from Nightmare Moon. You should join us! Together we can protect everypony, and not just the pirates.”

“Why, that’s a great idea! I’ll be happy to join you,” Pip announced with a bow. “Thank you so much for the offer. You’re a great squire!”

“I’m proud of you for inviting Pip to join us,” Marelin informed her charge, yet her smile faded to a firm frown. “But I would prefer you try talking before fighting. A proper squire should only resort to the blade when there is no other option.”

Knowing the chastisement was just, the Paper Squire prostrated herself before the wizard and begged forgiveness. Being the kind sort, Marelin accepted this apology before busying herself with collecting Tom Dumb and G’rain, who she noticed were getting a little too greedy with Lady Carrot’s treats.

At this time did the Lady Carrot Head approach the squire and the pirate. “You two have proved your valor this night, and so have earned my boon. To you, Paper Squire, I give the Sacred Candied Carrots. May they save us all from the hunger of Nightmare Moon.”

Then did she turn her attention to Pip the Pirate, producing a blade made of the biggest carrot he had ever laid eyes upon, its tip sharper than any sword. “And to you, brave Pirate Pip, I offer the wondrous Taproot Blade. Use it with great care, for though its strength is formidable, the weapon will not last long after use. You will know when the time has come to wield it.”

And so did the brave heroes, now united in a common purpose, thank the Lady Carrot Head and resume their quest. Once more did Marelin lead them, though not before requiring that Tom Dumb and G’rain return their excess sweets to their proper owner. This done, she led them away from the farmhouse and towards the dreaded Road Outside Town.

The second Hero of the Kitchen awaits.

Author's Note

Hah! And I bet you all thought the 'heroes' would the Mane 6, huh? But yeah, there was no way Dreaded Pirate Pip would miss out on this.

The Lady Carrot Head = Galahad, illegitimate son of Lancelot and a Knight of the Round Table. One of the three achievers of the Holy Grail.

Part IV: The Witches of Whim

Thanks in no small part to the Paper Knight’s exploits, the lands surrounding the village of Ponyville were peaceful and quiet this night. This proved a great relief to the Paper Squire and her hearty band, who had feared many possible encounters on the road to the next Hero of the Kitchen. Never did they encounter fearsome bugbears or mighty hydras, and there was not a peep from the spooky Peeping Króm.

Yet this did not mean the world was silent. On the contrary, a great racket arose at the end of the road, where sat a small but pristine home. Here, Marelin informed them, resided the next Hero of the Kitchen: the Lady Migraine and her Unpleasant Knight, Lord Malignant. Yet even Marelin failed to know what brought forth such troubling noise from the pair's simple home.

Preparing for such threats as the whimsical Breezy Brigade or a nasty Parasprite Swarm, the Paper Squire knocked upon the door and readied her sword. Soon she was greeted by a donkey dressed in but a simple cloak, who met the visitors with grave tidings. “It is good of you to have come, Paper Squire,” she cried. “I am Lady Migraine, and tonight I am living up to my name! For behold, my home has been invaded by a trio of witches causing all kinds of mischief.”

The party entered the home to find the vast and legendary collection of Lord Malignant. Truly, no trove of magical relics and precious artifacts has been known in Ponyville as this legendary hoard! Trinkets and items both rare and dangerous decorated every wall and open space, taken from countless grand adventures and daring deeds over the course of the noble couple’s long lives. And there, prancing about the timeless treasures, were three little witches in matching blue, red and orange cloaks. Merrily they laughed as the noble – but eternally cranky and not very agreeable – Lord Malignant struggled in vain to catch the flighty trio.

“Don’t touch that,” he cried, rushing after the yellow witch in her orange cape.

“That’s priceless!” He lunged on elderly bones for the white witch in her red cape.

“No, no throwing,” he pleaded of the orange witch in her blue cape.

Yet the wily witches refused to be corralled, giggling and prancing beyond his grasp. Soon the good lord – well, as good as he could afford to be – fell to the floor in defeat. “Matilda, do something!”

“This place is a cutie mark gold mine,” announced the yellow witch oh-so wickedly.

“Yeah, we should have come here ages ago,” replied the grinning white witch.

“I dunno,” the orange witch said, “this stuff seems kinda old. I don’t want to conjure an old pony for a cutie mark.”

Lady Migraine turned to Marelin in her despair. “Please, do something! We can do nothing to stop these witches!”

And so did Marelin raise her staff high and strike the floor, the sound so loud it shook the house and maybe all of Ponyville! The shaking was so bad that several of Lord Malignant’s priceless relics fell from their mantles and places on the walls, cracking and crashing to the floors. The lord rounded upon the wizard, his eyes aglow with fury, and she was so overcome with dread that she prostrated herself and begged his forgiveness.

With her mentor so occupied, Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer consoling the distraught Lady Migraine, and Pip the Pirate placating the incensed Lord Malignant, the Paper Squire did take it upon herself to face these witches.

“Stop you witches!”

The witches, of course, had already stopped, for even their whimsical minds could not ignore a quake of such magnitude as what Marelin had wrought. Even so, the Paper Squire was sure that her intimidating pose and lethal weapon was key to keeping them calm.

She pointed her blade at the three witches. “Why are you causing so much trouble?”

“We were only curious,” the yellow witch admitted. “We are the Witches of Whim! I am And.”

“And I am Anti!” the white witch proclaimed, raising her hoof high to display her broom.

“And I’m…” The orange one hesitated and cast her gaze away, undoubtedly in deference to the Paper Squire. “Ben.”

“Ben?” asked Pip the Pirate. “I thought Ben was the stallion.”

Ben released a mighty groan and hid behind her sisters. “I drew the short straw, okay?”

“I don’t care who you are,” Lord Malignant groused. “I want you all off my property!”

“Patience, my lord,” Marelin pleaded. “They might be witches, but they are still foals.”

The Paper Squire strode before the witches, knowing her commanding presence would draw the attention of all in the room. She turned her gaze upon the three and spoke in her most inspiring voice, the likes of which would surely make her mother proud. “Why are you playing with Lord Mali… Maligi… Uh…”

“Malignant,” the oh-so helpful Lady Migraine whispered.

“Lord Malignant’s magical stuff?”

“Magical stuff?” asked Ben.

“Oh!” Anti nodded her understanding, reassuring the squire that these witches may not be as ignorant as they were silly. “We have been trying to conjure our Marks of Witchcraft, but alas, we lacked the power ourselves.” She gestured grandly to the assorted trinkets and treasures. “We had hoped one of these great relics might help us with this task, but it seems it is not so.”

“What is she talking about?” Ben asked And.

“I dunno,” And admitted. “I think she’s saying we won’t find our cutie marks here.”

Anti turned on her fellow witches. “Girls! Get in character!”

“You should ask permission before going through ponies things like that,” Pip the Pirate declared, shaking his sword at the witches.

“Well said, young Pip,” Marelin added, coming at last among the ponies. “I’m sure if you ask nicely, Lord Malignant would be happy to let you three explore his treasures.”

“No, I wouldn’t!” At this time did Lady Migraine approach her Unpleasant Knight and shower him with such affection that it rendered Tom Dumb and G’Rain the Adventurer green with illness. “Ooh, I guess. But only if you promise to be careful!”

“Hey,” spoke the Paper Squire, “why don’t you join us in our quest?” And so did she explain her holy mission of candy collection and wicked queen bribery, to the delight of all present. “You might even earn your marks for helping us.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” And declared, and her companions agreed.

So pleased was the Lady Migraine and Lord Malignant that they gifted the adventurers with the second of the Sacred Treats, the Macaroons of Chocolaty Glory! All seemed well for the adventurers, who soon turned to leave for the next stage of their quest.

Yet before they could depart, a great rattling filled the air, distracting all from their task. With a resounding pop did one of the boards of the ceiling disappear, and through the whole stared a great white duck with a pink face.

“Oh dear,” cried Marelin, waving her staff at the creature. “It is the Ceiling Duck, the greatest prophet in the land! For what has it come before us?”

“B-cack! I mean, quack!” spoke the Ceiling Duck. “Wow, I was expecting a squire, and instead I get witches and adventurers and pirates, oh my!” She stretched an incredibly long wing to snatch a treat from a nearby table, stuffing it wrapper and all into her beak.

“Our retinue grows regularly,” Marelin replied, waving to her vast party of allies. “But pray tell us, oh magnificent Ceiling Duck, what portends do you offer us?”

“Not what you’re expecting, that’s for sure, quack!” A wrapper dropped from the duck’s beak, devoid of its sugary contents. “Beware of notorious gangsters come for your bounty! Look for them before the fourth hero be reached!”

To this Marelin appeared as perplexed as her companions. “Gangsters? Pinkie, that’s not what we—”

“Marelin! I am the Ceiling Duck, and I would appreciate being called by my name! If you doubt my Ducky Sense, I suggest you find your own. A good evening to you. Quack!” And thus did the Ceiling Duck depart into the ceiling, trailing streamers of portent and empty wrappers of prophecy in her wake.

Left with this perplexing message, the heroes were left with no choice but to continue their journey, although Marelin swore on her staff that she would replace Lady Migraine’s and Lord Malignant’s ceiling board. When the Paper Squire asked Marelin what she thought of the Ceiling Duck’s curious prediction, the wizard responded with amusement.

“Do not fret, my good apprentice. Ceiling Duck is just being Ceiling Duck.”

Author's Note

So many new players in the game! I especially had fun coming up with the Ceiling Duck. Onwards!

Lady Migraine = Igraine, mother of King Arthur.

Lord Malignant = A villain who kidnaps Queen Guinevere and holds her hostage until Author storms his castle a year later. In some accounts, he is a Knight of the Round Table and betrays Arthur via the kidnapping.

Ben, And and Anti = Benandanti, Italian witches and dream walkers. Although they were benign and fought evil dreamwalkers, they became associated with witchcraft with the rise of Christianity.
Double reference! The Witches of Whim = The Three Witches of Shakespear's Macbeth, who prophecy Macbeth's eventual downfall.

The Ceiling Duck = The Ceiling Cat of the meme of the same name, jokingly referred to as a god who announces the end times battle between Longcat and Tacgnol.

Part VI: The Gangsters

Merry was the band that traversed across the village of Ponyville that Nightmare Night! The Paper Squire had won three of the five sacred treats, Marelin was pleased with her work, the three witches were scheming their next great feat of Mark Conjuring, Pip the Pirate hadn’t drawn his sword at a hapless foe in almost ten minutes, and Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer had nearly met their quota of sweets. All seemed well, and the Paper Squire was confident that she would end this night with the praise and love of her noble mother.

But then, when they were nearing the home of the fourth Hero of the Kitchen, in the Lonely Alleyways where few wished to venture for being too far away from the festival, the party was ambushed by a most unusual pair! Rather than swords and cloaks, these rascally foes donned suits and caps, bearing knives of wicked-looking plastic.

“A-ha!” cried the leader, a pink pony in a slick brown suit. “Look at what we have here, Silver Bonnet! A group of blank flanks.”

And Silver Bonnet did giggle at her foes, waving her knife in the air and delighting in their hesitation. “Indeed! And look at their costumes, Clydesdale Diamond. Peasants if I ever saw them.”

Frustrated by this interruption, Marelin knocked her staff upon the earth, bringing forth a bright light from its head. “Bonnet and Clydesdale? What do you think you’re doing?”

“We’re on a sacred quest,” the Paper Squire declared with great pomp, standing up to the much larger Clydesdale. “Please leave us alone!”

“Oh dear, a sacred quest!” cried Clydesdale. “A quest to appease a monster that doesn’t even exist, probably given by that lame-o mother of yours.”

So painful was this verbal assault that the Paper Squire did fume and prepare her blade, but Marelin pulled her back and prevented her assault. Coming to her aid were the witches And, Anti and Ben, who threatened the notorious, era-inaccurate gangsters.

Yet Bonnet and Clydesdale were not disturbed by their intimidation, and Bonnet said, “So you’re witches now? Great choice, Cutie Mark Losers. Two of you don’t even have horns!”

“Yeah,” Clydesdale added with great mockery. “And the one who does can’t even lift a broom. So whose brilliant idea was that?”

The witches did share concerned expressions, and Ben admitted, “Yeah, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?”

“What?” cried Anti. “But you said it was a great idea.”

“To be honest, I never thought it was all that great,” confessed And.

Thus did the witches begin to debate amongst themselves, and the notorious gangsters strode past amidst their own giggles. Their advance was thwarted, however, by the Dreaded Pirate Pip, who aimed his lethal wooden sword at the chest of Clydesdale and issued challenge.

“Oh, I’m so scared,” teased Clydesdale. “A pirate without a ship or even an ocean to sail it on!”

“I don’t need a ship or an ocean,” the heroic Pip announced. “I have my friends, and I will protect them!”

“Then you’d best turn around and deal with the traitors in your midst,” Bonnet suggested, aiming her hoof to Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer. “Didn’t you know they plan to take all the candy for themselves?”

When Pip turned upon his companions, Tom Dumb did back away from his aggression. “No, we wouldn’t! We learned our lesson from eating too many sweets last year!”

“Uh…” mumbled G’rain the Adventurer, “but we did think about it.”

“Snails!”

So enraged was the pirate at this revelation that he advanced on the two, forgetting all about the tricky gangsters. Seeing the Sacred Treats undefended, Clydesdale Diamond and Silver Bonnet donned wicked grins and prepared to make off with their ill-gotten bounty.

Marelin did see through this clever ruse, but her priority was to her charge before her quest, and she devoted herself to the Paper Squire’s plight. “Come now, my brave little friend,” she spoke to the distressed soul. “Do you not recall the night your family was blessed by the Princess of the Moon, and she did come to you in your dreams? Do recall her sage advice to face such wicked bullies as these.”

And the Paper Squire did remember the words of the princess, the same princess to whom her noble family owed its allegiance and honor. Emboldened by this fond memory, she turned upon the villains just as they were to collect their prize. “Hold it right there, you meanies!”

Startled by the squire’s hasty recovery, they did turn on her to deliver more insult, but their words fell upon the Paper Squire as waves upon a battlement.

“Mommy is not a lame-o!” the Paper Squire did cry. “She takes me flying and she works hard to make me happy. Can your mommies take you flying?”

Stumped by what was undoubtedly an iron-clad argument, the gangsters sputtered and struggled to form a proper rebuttal. Yet the Paper Squire gave them no time to do so, instead bounding amongst the witches and their heated debate.

“Enough, you witches! You are sisters, and sisters shouldn’t fight!”

So sudden was this interruption, and so touched were their hearts by this spectacularly graceful showing of wisdom, that the witches did lose their will to argue and looked upon the Paper Squire with awe and appreciation.

She then stood between Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer, protecting them from the fury of the Dreaded Pirate Pip. “Stop it! These two want to help, and I trust them. We shouldn’t be fighting each other.”

And Pip did restrain his enthusiasm before her brilliant form and lay down his weapon. “If you trust them, my lady, then I shall give them a chance. But I’m watching them!”

“Yes, watch them! They’ll do good things, you’ll see. We’re all friends, and we won’t fight each other!”

The heroes did cheer, united in their renewed camaraderie and the Paper Squire’s stellar example.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Marelin queried the retreating gangsters, and she did seize them with her magic and brought them forward to face justice. “You tried to divide my friends so you could steal the candy reserved for Nightmare Moon! What have you to say for yourselves?”

“It’s a waste, giving the candy to Nightmare Moon,” declared Silver Bonnet in her vast ignorance.

“Why should we give her our hard-earned candy?” asked Clydesdale Diamond, who struggled mightily yet in vain to break free of the wizard's superior grasp. “She’s greedy and doesn’t deserve it!”

“If you want to know why Nightmare Moon wants our candy, why don’t you ask her yourself?” inquired the witch Anti.

“That’s a great idea,” announced the Paper Squire with great cheer. “Join us in our quest, and when Nightmare Moon comes you can ask!”

“Oh, no!” The face of Bonnet became as pale as the moon itself. “But what if she tries to eat us?”

With great disdain did Clydesdale reply, “She’s not going to try to eat us, Silver Spoon. She’s reformed, remember? So why should we join you blank flanks on this silly quest?”

The wizard Marelin did smirk, and released the two gangsters from her magic. “Because if you don’t, I’ll inform Filthy Rich and Silver Dollar of just what their naughty children have been up to tonight.”

As a blur of amaranth and gainsboro, the two ponies appeared at each of Marelin’s sides, donning their most authentic grins. “So, where next?” queried the eager Silver Bonnet.

But Marelin bade the heroes to wait as she sought a private word with her charge. She praised the Paper Squire for standing up for her mother, and resolving the conflicts that had arisen without resorting to bloodshed. The squire was so taken by this praise that she became enraptured in good cheer, confident that her honorable mother would be pleased with her efforts on this glorious quest. But the journey—

“—is far from over!”

The adventurers cried out in shock at the arrival of a pink and white face from the shadows, the identity of which was clarified by the sagely bill set upon its muzzle.

“Pinkie!” cried Marelin in alarm. “Didn’t anypony ever tell you not to sneak up on ponies?”

“Relax, Marelin,” the Ceiling Duck – or perhaps an Alley Duck, now? – replied with unabashed merriment. She turned her all-seeing gaze upon the sour-faced gangsters. “Quack! I see you bested Bonnet and Clydesdale. Great job, everypony!”

“How did you even know they were gonna be here?” asked the witch Ben.

“A wise duck never reveals her secrets, my caped friend. Quack!” Then did the Ceiling… er… Alley Duck’s visage turn ominous. “But they were only the first of your foes. Beware the evil Organ le Bray…”

“Oh, no!” spoke Marelin, “not Organ le Bray! She’s…”

“The servant of the wicked Sir Laughs-a-Lot!”

Marelin did stare at her old friend in stunned disbelief. “What? There’s not supposed to be a—”

“Good luck, my little ponies!”

And with a mighty swish of shadows, the mysterious Alley Duck disappeared into darkness.

All eyes turned upon Marelin, who did press her forehead to her staff with a groan.

“Why can’t these adventures ever go as planned?”

Author's Note

To be symbolic of how Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon don't really fit in with these ponies, as well as their determined rebellion against the 'game' by refusing to really play along, I decided to make their costumes be of an entirely different era from the rest. It struck me as a wonderfully clashing dynamic.

Silver Bonnet and Clydesdale Diamond = Bonnie and Clyde, a pair of infamous American outlaws of the 1930's who went on a string of robberies with their gang throughout the central United States. They were ultimately killed in a police ambush in Louisiana.

Part VII: Catching the Swindler

Soon the heroes arrived at the home of the fourth Hero of the Kitchen, a vast, circular castle topped by a roaring carousel of windigos that snapped their vicious fangs at any who dared approach the door. It was clear to the Paper Squire that this was the home of one who wielded the dark arts, for the large structure was bedecked in leering jack-o-lanterns, swarming with ill-mannered bats and guarded by not one but dozens of headless horses!

Bravely did the adventurers stand before the gate of this fortress, undaunted by the gloomy non-stares of the immaculately attired, decapitated equines. Or at least, the Paper Squire wasn’t scared; the shaking in her legs came purely from the cold, that was all! Unlike her many friends, all of whom crowded behind Marelin when a wicked shadow sped over their heads, cackling as a multi-hued trail followed in its wake. Yet the courageous squire did ignore their trembling and used her own, certainly not-trembling hoof to knock upon the ominous gate.

All braced as the gate creaked open, but to their surprise there was naught at the doorway but a small frankenSpike, a misshapen creature held together by stitching and bolts. When the heroes inquired as to the fourth Hero of the Kitchen Table, the thing clutched at its tail. “Forgive me, my friends,” he did speak in curiously good pony, “but my Lady Batherpony is wrought with despair and can offer no sacred treats this night.”

At this time the Lady Elzibet Batherpony did appear, resplendent in her red gown of cobwebs and playful star spiders. Yet for all her glamour and beauty, the hero could only sob before her visitors. “Do forgive me, my friend Marelin,” she cried, “but I am cursed by the eternal prankster known as the Swindler, ignoble servant of that dastardly Sir Laughs-a-Lot! I could not possibly grant your young protégé my Unholy Truffle Amulets.”

Yet Marelin would have none of these excuses. She shook her cane at the troubled countess. “That’s two ponies who brought up this Sir Laughs-a-Lot! He was never part of the adventure!”

“You’ll have to take that up with him, darling,” the countess replied, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. “But if you truly desire to have my treats for Nightmare Moon, you must do for me one favor.”

It was then that a mighty crash of lightning filled the air, causing many of the heroes to scatter and cry out in terror. No sooner had the sound abated than a dark cloud darted away, a familiar cackle raining upon its victims.

“There, you see!” Elzibet Batherpony pointed to the cloud as it lapped her home. “The vile Swindler, servant of Sir Laughs-a-Lot! She has been tormenting my home and my guests all night, and I am simply at a loss for a way to stop her.”

The frankenSpike laid prostrate before the Paper Squire. “Please, oh brave squire, catch that ruffian and teach her not to torment my lady. I would do it myself, but I dare not leave her side when she suffers so.” At precisely that moment, the Countess Batherpony did faint, and the frankenSpike hurried to her side.

“She’s not part of the quest, either,” Marelin did grumble, watching the speedy black cloud pass overhead.

Only then did the witch Anti approach the countess and her loyal servant, announcing to the shock of all – well, nearly all; Bonnet and Clydesdale insisted it was obvious – that she was the lost sister of Elzibet Batherpony. She had fled her home upon learning of her sibling’s distasteful habit of bathing in unsavory substances, setting vegetables upon her eyes, and performing other ghastly rituals to prolong her youth. And so the witch swore to capture the evil Swindler, but only if the countess agreed to abandon her foul activities, or at least to limit them to the times when Anti did not have to witness them.

Though she moaned and fretted over the arrangement, at last the countess agreed to these terms, and so the witch led the band of adventurers to the fortress’s exterior to face the playful creature. All save Ben, who had known the Swindler before her turn to wickedness, and could not bring herself to face her old friend. She did remain behind with the countess and frankenSpike, promising to keep them safe until the deed was complete.

But catching the Swindler proved no simple test, for the creature did fly by on a cloud of pure storm, making it difficult to grasp, and its speed was the stuff of legends. Were it not for the colorful – and candy-flavored, the Paper Squire had it on good authority – trail it left behind as it flew, it might have been invisible amongst the night sky.

The adventurers ran and leapt and reached as far as they were able, yet caught only gleeful laughter and the occasional face full of rain water.

“Jump, jump, as high as you dare,” cackled the creature. “You can’t catch me, I’m the Swindler Mare!”

The chase lasted into the night, the heroes soon caught up in the frivolity and laughing gaily at the creature’s antics. Even the Paper Squire nearly forgot her glorious task as the creature darted to and fro, ever avoiding their plans and hooves.

But Marelin knew that time was of the essence. “Enough,” she cried, raising her staff and sending a burst of magic upon the playful beast. The cloud on which it rode shattered from the impact and the Swindler careened through the sky, only to crash into the headless horses that stood guard over the fortress.

“I’ve got you, foul thing!” declared Anti, who demonstrated her magical strength by capturing the Swindler’s foreleg in her grasp.

“Hurry,” shouted an exhausted Tom Dumb, “catch her before she escapes!”

Yet the Swindler fought valiantly against the magical hold on her leg, twisting and turning and knocking away her foes despite their best efforts to pin her down. “Hey, the magic’s cheating!” she insisted, tugging with all her might against Anti’s power.

Try as she did, the witch was losing her hold on the creature. “Somepony pin her down!”

Only then did the witch Ben, watching the epic battle from the fort’s gate, shout above the fray such that the whole town could hear. “Behind her knees! Her weak spots are behind her knees!”

And the Swindler did gasp in horror as the adventurers charged. “Traitor! Of all the ponies who might reveal my secret, I never thought it would be you!”

Soon the Swindler became engulfed in a wall of hooves that did rub and play and tickle relentlessly at her legs. The creature was rendered to tears and her struggle against the magic grew desperate. Helpless against the mighty assault, she at last fell upon the ground, defeated and pleading for mercy. Anti and Pip the Pirate strode upon her fallen form, pronouncing their victory to all who would hear amidst the cheers of the townsfolk.

Weary but jolly, the Paper Squire pointed her ominous weapon at the downed creature’s head. “And now you will surrender the Countess Bather… Bathey… Buh…”

“Batherpony,” did whisper the witch Anti.

“Countess Batherpony’s sacred treats, the Truffle Amulets!”

A malicious grin formed upon the Swindler’s face. “Joke’s on you, kid! I already gave your precious treats to my master, Sir Laughs-a-Lot! If you want them, you’ll have to go across the Great Bridge of Greatness to the home of the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years. He's holding her hostage!”

The heroes did gasp in alarm at this news, all save Marelin, who scowled upon the Swindler and shook her staff. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” she bewailed. “Rainbow, you weren’t even part of the plan, much less this ‘Sir Laughs-a-Lot.’ Who is he and how did he learn about the Paper Squire’s quest?”

“Oh, look at the Moon. Gotta go!” And in a blur of colors, the Swindler broke free of Anti’s magical grasp and disappeared into the night – while treating Anti and Pip to most ignoble faceplants.

The Paper Squire calmed her mentor whilst the witch Anti entered the fort to tell her sister the troubling news. The countess rewarded the brave young heroes with delectable confections of only the highest quality, but lamented that the Unholy Truffle Amulets were unique and could not be made again before the coming of Nightmare Moon. With no options remaining, Marelin agreed that she must escort the adventurers to the last of the Heroes of the Kitchen, the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years.

Yet one amongst their number was not so eager to continue, for the witch Ben did mourn for her friend the Swindler, and feared she would never be forgiven for revealing the creature’s only weakness. Though her sisters in witchcraft did try to assuage her grief, she seemed to be inconsolable. Then the wise and caring Paper Squire approached with this astounding insight:

“Don’t worry, Ben. I’m sure the Swindler would never have been so tricky and mean normally. I think Sir Laughs-a-Lot put a spell on her!”

“A spell?” asked Ben. “What kind of spell?”

“A-ha! I knew it,” declared Marelin. “A mind control spell! How devious. Don’t worry, Ben, when we defeat this Sir Laughs-a-Lot, I’m sure your friend will be returned to normal and forgive you for doing what you had to.”

With this suggestion, the hope returned to the witch’s eye, and she agreed to continue on this quest for the sake of her dear friend.

Together, the adventurers left the creepy fortress of Count Elzibet Batherpony – seriously, she went all out this year. Perhaps she was making up for missing the festivities last year? – and made their way to the home of the next Hero of the Kitchen. Little did they know what dire threats awaited them, but the Paper Squire swore that she would lead her band to glory! And sweets! And honor!

But mostly sweets.

Author's Note

I've used the Elzibet Batherpony role before on two occasions, once with her as a historical figure in the No Heroes universe and again as a Nightmare Night costume for Fleur de Lis in the Fleur-verse. Someday I might even write a story about who she is in their world. Maybe.

Since it seems Rarity missed the festivities last year (she doesn't even make a cameo in Luna Eclipsed, I figured she would want to go all out to make up for it. I iamgine that, should she really want to, she could make a Nightmare Night home worthy of scaring full-grown adults, much less a bunch of foals.

I intended to mention at some point that Rarity designed Golden Harvest's dress way back in Part III, but it never came out. This was going to be a nod to their relationship in the Fleur-verse.

Elzibet Batherpony = Countess Elzibet Báthory of Hungary, a serial killer who was known to bathe in the blood of virgin girls to maintain her youth and beauty. Sometimes credited as a vampire and occasionally associated with Dracula, she is rumored to have murdered as many as 650 young women before her discovery and trial, although the exact number is unknown.

The Swindler = Grendel, a monster that tormented the people of King Hroðgar of Zealand. It was killed by the Geat hero Beowulf, who ripped off the monster's arm in hand-to-hand combat.

Part VIII: The Magnificent and Malevolent Organ le Bray

Though none could know of the threat that was Sir Laughs-A-Lot and all did fear for the safety of the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years, the Paper Squire’s party were still a jolly band as they made their way out of town. All, that is, save for the gangsters Bonnet and Clydesdale, but this was surely only because they had foalishly come to the wrong era to perform their nefarious deeds. Also troubled was the wizard Marelin, who continued to fret over wicked ponies ruining the squire’s grand adventure.

They passed the Clocktower, home of the nefarious Shearsmare, who might have been scary were she not so silly as to run around with shears. Her greatest weakness was, of course, rocks and pebbles that she regularly tripped over. The Paper Squire paid the tower no mind, though the party kept a wide berth just to avoid being seen by the rampaging mare. After all, if she did chase them and ended up hurting themselves, the adventurers would have that on their conscience.

Yet the witch Ben noted the time on the clock, and the witch Anti beheld the position of the moon in the night sky, and the witch And declared that the time of Nightmare Moon was soon. With time of the essence, the party hurried onwards to the Great Bridge of Greatness, a vast structure looming over the River of Sticks, which marked the edge of the holy lands of the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years. Brave Pip the Pirate volunteered to cross first, followed by the loyal Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer.

When they were but just beginning the treacherous crossing, the adventurers were startled by a great eruption of music, and lo, a literal organ did rise at the center of the bridge! The instrument was nothing short of a piece of architecture, towering over the heroes and belching steam. Every resonating note shook the bridge as a wicked – but admittedly catchy – dirge sounded from its many brass pipes.

And there, playing the instrument with hooves that danced and a laugh of only the finest menace, was a blue pony with a mane of white, her cloak an ominous green lined with the faux furs of her victims, covered in necklaces beset with vials and amulets of arcane purpose.

“Feast thine eyes and ears upon the very face of perfection,” announced the dastardly musician. “For I am only the greatest and most powerful of mages! The musician to trounce all others, the most beautiful mare of the Shadow Lands, she who shall end your silly little quest so that the glorious Nightmare may bring forth eternal night!”

She launched from her pedestal amidst a brilliant chromatic display of fireworks, the organ yet playing its magnificent dirge, and landed before our heroes in a pose most proud and inspiring. “Behold, you adventurers, the bringer of your doom! For I am the Magnificent and Malevolent Organ le Bray!”

And the ponies gasped in wonder and horror, before Marelin did blurt out in a most unwizardly way, “Finally! Somepony who knows how to get into the act.”

Organ le Bray scoffed and flicked her mane with a grin most smarmy. “But of course! The Great and… er… that is, the Magnificent and Malevolent Organ le Bray is a professional.”

“Oh, no!” cried Tom Dumb, “it’s the M.A.M.O.B.! How could we ever hope to defeat her?”

“I’m not afraid. Have at you, you villain!” cried Pip the Pirate in a manner the Paper Squire considered most heroic. Yet his charge was for naught, as a resounding blast of notes from the musician’s organ proved so forceful that it sent the poor pirate flying into the unprepared Bonnet and Clydesdale.

“Are we so eager to meet our doom?” Organ le Bray’s laughter filled the heroes with dread. “The Magnificent and Malevolent Organ le Bray can see she is vastly superior to your feeble band, and so she offers a game, just to be fair and grant you the illusion of a chance; should any of you strike me with your magic, I shall surrender the bridge and permit you all to continue your quest.”

“We accept your challenge, Organ le Bray,” declared Marelin with a menacing shake of her staff. “And when you are defeated, I will hold you to your word.”

The sorceress demonstrated her disdain with a truly well-executed eye roll. “Oh, please, Marelin. Organ le Bray may be magnificent and malevolent, but she is also a mare of her word. Not that even you could defeat so powerful a being as I!” And she did rear back, and the organ did emit another crashing string of notes, and fireworks did alight the sky once more.

“We’ll see about that. Paper Squire, I require your assistance!”

At the very thought of casting magic alongside her mentor, the Paper Squire emitted a not-so-subtle squee and charged into the fray. Though her magic was not so amazing as that of the great and powerful Marelin, it was still quite exemplary, letting forth an array of sparks that were sure to intimidate even the mightiest of foes! Marelin assaulted her opponent with the greatest magics of her vast knowledge, conjuring forth destructive blasts, colorful rays of light and perhaps even summoning a parasprite or two, against her better judgment.

To the dismay of all, the Magnificent and Malevolent Organ le Bray countered every attack; shields, redirects, and even mere dodging proved her a master of her musical craft! Thus did she return fire, and even the once indomitable Marelin was struck down by her arcane – and possibly cheating, or so the Paper Squire suspected – methods.

Seeing their glorious leaders so defeated, Tom Dumb and the gangsters retreated from the battle, fearing for their very lives. But of all the adventurers who might stride before the wicked mare, it was none other than G’rain the Adventurer himself who remained ready to battle – if only by the liberty of having been too slow to follow Tom Dumb.

“What is this?” laughed the vile sorceress. “Is the Magnificent and Malevolent Organ le Bray to be challenged by this pathetic creature? Oh, how rich it is!”

Seeing their unexpectedly brave friend in mortal peril, the three witches did act upon their sisterly bond. Anti turned to Ben and spoke, “We have to help! You and I shall fight alongside our friend, and And… and… And and…” She did give a very convincing witch’s cry. “She will see to helping Marelin and the Paper Squire!”

Their course set, Ben and Anti joined G’rain in facing the wicked sorceress. “Don’t worry, G’rain, we’re with you,” announced Anti.

“Yeah,” Ben pressed as she pressed the protesting protagonist forward. “Now let’s show that jerk a thing or two.”

The sorceress did strike upon her organ with gleeful abandon as the challengers approached. “Come, then, you foals! Show the Magnificent and Malevolent Organ le Bray what you’ve got!”

The battle was joined! The witch Ben chose to forgo what would have certainly been powerful magic in favor of physical aggression, and would equally certainly have been crushed did not Anti lend her own significant magical prowess to the conflict. Organ le Bray dodged and danced from their assaults, laughing and mocking her foes for their futile efforts. Unfortunately, the brave G’rain appeared to be suffering from a magical misfire, and so struggled to provide any assistance at all.

Thus did it appear that the evil sorceress would prove victorious, and the Paper Squire dreaded the coming of Nightmare Moon! She watched in ever-growing dread as the sorceress avoided spell after spell, and not even the magnificent speed of Ben’s attacks could penetrate her musical barriers!

With the witches cornered between her and the edge of the bridge, the sorceress did chortle and cackle her most unpleasant glee. “So you see, none of you ever stood a chance! And so I shall demonstrate your powerlessness by slaying your mighty adventurer, like so!”

And she turned her hoof to the struggling G’rain and prepared to fire a lone spell. Unwilling to let their friend be ruthlessly crispified by the sorceress’s explosive and colorful might, the witches charged! Though their attempt failed yet again to penetrate her defense, the sorceress was indeed distracted by their brave effort, and so her spell flew wide and erupted in a shower of spark behind the trembling – from effort, most assuredly – G’rain.

With a blast so close, the brave G’rain did leap into the air, and a precise beam launched from his horn. The Magnificent and Malevolent Organ de Bray, focused as she was upon the witches, had naught the time nor the awareness to avoid a telling blow upon her flank. Thus did she rear back and give a dismayed cry.

“It cannot be! How could I, the most powerful and glorious mage in all of Equestria, be defeated? Oh, mighty and noble… uh…”

“G’rain,” hissed the witch Ben.

“Oh, mighty and noble G’rain, thou hast won a great victory this night!”

“Uh, I did?” asked G’rain, though this query was clearly a ruse to thwart any trickery the sorceress might be planning, as was his dumbfounded appearance.

“Well struck, G’rain!” declared Marelin, now healed thanks to the witch And’s expert ministration. She waved her staff at the sorceress. “You have been dealt a certain blow, Organ le Bray. Will you yield the bridge as promised?”

Though distraught by her own defeat, the sorceress acknowledged her wound with as much dignity as her wounded pride would permit. “Aye, the bridge and the way forward belong to you, great heroes. But remember this day, Marelin, for soon Organ le Bray shall be so Magnificent and Malevolent as to defeat all, even your fine adventurer!”

And so, with a wink to the wizard, the sorceress hitched herself to her great organ and trotted away, leaving the path open to the adventurers.

“Three cheers for the brave deeds of G’rain the Adventurer!” cried Marelin, and the heroes thus raised the noble and not-at-all blushing G’rain high and offered him much praise.

But their cheer was short-lived, for within seconds a great quack filled the air, and a billed face did appear in the wood below. T’was the enigmatic Ceiling… er… Alley… um—

“Bridge Duck,” whispered the creature.

T’was the enigmatic Bridge Duck, come to congratulate the heroes.

“I congratulate you heroes,” the duck declared with a grin of candy cone teeth. “You all did wonderfully, defeating the wicked sorceress Organ le Bray like that! Quack!”

“They have indeed performed splendidly,” Marelin acknowledged, bringing forth smiles to their collective faces. “But lo, the moon rises still, and soon will reach its peak. Time is of the essence, Bridge Duck. What warning do you offer us this time?”

And the Bridge Duck did turn dour, her eyes darting to each of the heroes in turn. “Grave tidings indeed, quack. Soon you all shall face the giggletastic Sir Laughs-A-Lot, who rivals even I in the madness department. Yet even he is not so deadly as the thing which shall come after! Quack! This is my final warning: do not judge an enemy by its size… or cuddliness!”

And the Bridge Duck did disappear, leaving the heroes to ponder her oh-so-mysterious words. Confused, yet emboldened by success, they pressed on across the Great Bridge of Greatness and to the home of the last Hero of the Kitchen Table.

Author's Note

Come now, did you really think I would write something like this and not let Trixie get in on the act? Oh, you silly people. This was, without a doubt, one of the funnest of the chapters to write.

Organ le Bray = Morgan le Faye, a powerful enchantress and one of King Arthur's arch-enemies. In various versions she is said to be Arthur's half-sister, a former apprentice to Merlin and viciously hateful of Queen Guinevere.

Part IX: In the Name of Fun

At last, after so many hurdles and trials, the Paper Squire and her wary band came upon the most beautiful home of the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years. A being of nature brimming with kindness, this beloved creature lived within a great house of wood and leaf, normally surrounded by all manner of fauna.

But tonight the cries of animals were naught to be heard, and the lights remained dim, giving the grand home a sense of abandonment. Anxiously did the adventurers approach, and it was Marelin who at last dared to knock upon the ornate oaken door. No sooner did her staff strike the wood than the door burst open and a howling, chill wind pulled the hapless heroes into the structure like a gaping maw sucking down tasty treats.

Disengaging herself from the tangled mass, the Paper Squire arose to find herself within a vast room bedecked with all manner of grim décor. Pumpkins with skeletal faces leered from the shadows, bats with wicked red eyes flapped along the gabled ceiling, and what appeared to be very real specters floated about in an aimless procession. Candles of black flames illuminated the world in a gloomy atmosphere, and the whole of the once-handsome home was now assaulted by all manner of molds, mosses and fungi.

There, suspended in a rusted cage high above the heroes heads, stood She of the Wood, friend of the beasts, the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years, still resplendent in her gown of leafy green and crown of gardenias. Though her voice was but a quaver, somehow she was still heard by all below. “Be careful, my little ponies,” she did warn, “for the wicked Sir Laughs-a-Lot has come.”

“That’s it,” shouted Marelin, stomping forward and holding her staff high. “Discord, I know it’s you! Stop this nonsense and come out this—”

To the horror – and, at least to the gangsters, amusement – of the others, a great orange pumpkin fell upon the wizard’s head. She stumbled about, her cries muffled and her staff falling uselessly to the floor.

The adventurers huddled together as a wind arose in the room, creating from nothingness a vast cloud of blackness. Great guffaws echoed through the rafters as a monster of legend arose from the dark, its body a confusing mishmash of shapes. It donned a flamboyant tuxedo of shifting hues and wore a mask over its eyes. The beast’s laughter faded as the exit slammed closed, the door itself disappearing in a flash of white.

“Now, now, Marelin,” the creature did tease, “you of all ponies should know how important it is to follow the script, even if I took the liberty of changing it. Didn’t you get the memo?”

“You big meanie!” cried Pip the Pirate, brandishing his blade of steely wood.

“We won’t let you win,” announced the ever-gallant Paper Squire. “We are great heroes!”

“And how intimidating you are.” The fiend smirked and took on a pose of mock distress. “Oh, please, little heroes, don’t smite me with your mighty weapons of foam and wood!” With a bellowing guffaw, he snapped his tail. In a flash of light, the two adventurers found themselves swimming in a cauldron of water. Miniature Sir Laughs-a-Lots danced about the cauldron’s edge, dropping in veggies, roots, spices, plastic pipe shavings, rhubarb on fire, the contents of a can labeled ‘toxic waste,’ and a kitchen sink for that extra kick.

“Sir Laughs-a-Lot, please spare the heroes,” quietly begged the a-bit-too-mildly distressed Lady Glen-of-Years. “They are my friends! They can be your friends, too.”

As the witches knocked over the cauldron, the playful creature floated up to her cage and gave it a shake. “Friends, you say? Why, would friends go on an epic adventure without me? Would friends plan to have fun without inviting the King of Fun? Would friends never offer me any sweets on this most entertaining of nights?”

“We might if you wouldn’t be so naughty,” shouted the Paper Squire, whose soaked disposition did nothing to daunt her bravery.

And the creature did transform into a green being of fur and boasted a broad, nasty grin. It rubbed its hairy hands together and displayed teeth crawling with candied bugs. “But being naughty is so much fun! And since you were naughty to me first, I shall dole out a fitting punishment.” Reverting back to his normal form, he raised his claw and paw high to reveal the five Sacred Treats floating above his head.

“Behold, the Sacred Treats!”

“Hey,” shouted Clydesdale Diamond, “how did you get those?” For indeed, the treats had disappeared from their blessed containers.

“I shall transform your oh-so-holy candies into things so nasty that the Nightmare will never accept them,” Sir Laughs-a-Lot declared amid a heaping helping of chuckles.

“The Macaroons of Chocolaty Glory will be but lumps of coal!” And so did they transform, and the witches cried out in alarm.

“The Sacred Candied Carrots will be naught but rabbit pellets!” And so did they transform, and Pip the Pirate fell to his knees with disgust.

“And I hear one great squire has a certain distaste for pickles,” taunted the creature. “See what has become of your precious Unholy Truffle Amulets!” And he did display a collection of pickles, which danced about the Paper Squire’s head in a makeshift band of tooting and strutting. The squire sobbed in the face of this blatant affront to decency, her weapon shaking with her horror.

“Nightmare Moon will come,” giggled the foul monster, “and when she finds your offerings are but trash, she shall gobble up every foal in Ponyville! Now doesn’t that sound fun?”

“No!” cried Marelin, at last managing to free her head from its orange prison. “Discord, this is far too mature for—”

With a snap of fingers and a flash of light, Marelin was replaced by a golden scepter, the head of which was of her own face possessing an expression most silly. Sir Laughs-a-Lot took hold of the scepter and waved it high in the air amid rolling bouts of laughter.

“I’ve had enough of this,” declared the witch Anti.

“We won’t put up with your antics anymore,” agreed Ben.

“You change Marelin and our candies back,” demanded And.

“Come on, everypony!” shouted the Paper Squire, her anger flaring at the sight of her beloved mentor. “We’re gonna save Ponyville!”

The heroes attacked as one, not a soul prepared to wait out the battle. Even the gangsters Bonnet and Clydesdale joined the fray, for they would never permit their confectionery hoard, ill-gotten or no, to be transformed by such an evil beast.

Sir Laughs-a-Lot did chuckle at their united front, and with his magic summoned many an ally to challenge his foes. For the pirate Pip and the Paper Squire, he conjured flying sharks of marshmallow, who gnashed their soft teeth and weaved about their blades. Against the gangsters arose colorful pop guns that fired jelly beans of only the nastiest flavors. For the witches, the villain chose to conjure special enemies; a flock of flapping, rainbow-colored wigs for Ben, swirling and twirling musical notes that encircled Anti, and a veritable avalanche of living apples with gaping mouths to assault And. And against Tom Dumb and G’rain he erected a shallow glob of sticky jello, in which neither adventurer could maneuver.

And Sir Laughs-a-Lot watched, and he was entertained. He floated up to the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years and encouraged her to observe the ensuing chaos. “Look, my dear! Did I not tell you they’d enjoy themselves? And to think, that Marelin would have had you simply give the little devils your boon. She’s such a stick-in-the-mud.” He proceeded to dunk the Marelin scepter head-first into an icky glob of muck, which he promptly sent flying in the direction of the gangsters.

But the Lady Glen-of-Years cast a grim frown upon him. “This looks to be fun only for you, Sir Laughs-a-Lot, which is not what we agreed to. I’m sorry, but I must put my hoof down.”

“O-ho?” He eyed her with a toothy grin. “And just what, pray-tell, do you intend to do about it, my dear lady?”

“You haven’t kept your end of the deal,” she replied with a smile of her own, “so I am not required to keep mine.” Then did she turn to the adventurers, each beset by their own conflict and cried out, “Hear me, heroes! Know that I have learned this fiend’s weakness: the Holy Fruit Bombs of Antitrot! Wield them or Ponyville is doomed!”

“Timberjack’s fritter… I mean, fruit bombs?” cried the witch And, fleeing from the stampeding malice of malus. “Where did they go?” And she looked about the scene of battle, complete with gnashing marshmallow sharks and flying booger-flavored jelly beans, and saw her weapon's pouch lying beneath the jello-y trap of G’rain and Tom Dumb.

Seeing that he was the closest, she did call out, “Tom Dumb, you must get to the bombs! You’re our only hope!”

His eyes lit up with understanding.

“How’re apple fritters supposed to stop him?”

Well, some understanding.

The struggling adventures did shout encouragement, and at last Tom Dumb dove for the hidden treats. Yet the jello clung to his body and slowed his movements, and when he grasped the pouch the sticky substance did resist his efforts. Yet, with the fate of the town at stake, the young adventurer dared not surrender, and with a great heave of strength he freed the pouch from its resting place.

He wasted no time, tossing the pouch in its entirety to the witch And, who took out a baked bomb with its electric filling and heaved it above the encroaching apple herd.

“No!” Too late did Sir Laughs-a-Lot see the deadly projectile, which sailed through the air to strike a deadly blow upon his torso and erupt in a fruity explosion of colorful filling and sparks! Upon its impact, the jello that held G’rain and Tom Dumb did fade, and the two joined the witch in the baked bombardment.

“It can’t be,” cried Sir Laughs-a-Lot, who shrank with every blow. “The fruitiness, anything but the fruitiness!”

Upon each explosion, another of his wicked spells came undone, until at last every hero was free to watch as he fell to the onslaught. At last he was but the size of a small dog and lay smeared in juices and fritter crust. Powerless before the heroes, he begged forgiveness. At their command, he freed the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years, returned her home to its former glory, and even returned the Sacred Treats to their original forms.

“Um, Sir Laughs-a-Lot?” asked the good lady, pointing to a scepter still lodged upside down in the mud.

“Oh, right.” He snapped his fingers and Marelin appeared, her head stuck in the muck.

After taking time to calm the understandably incensed Marelin, the Paper Squire secured from Sir Laughs-a-Lot a promise to be good from that day on, and in return the heroes swore to not neglect the poor creature the next time they sought to have a great adventure such as this one! Only then did the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years grant the heroes her boon of Ginger Oat Balls.

With the sacred treats obtained, they then left the hero to tend to the reformed creature, whilst they moved on to their last destination: the Monolith of the Nightmare.

“That went rather well, don’t you think?”

“It was kind of fun,” Fluttershy admitted. “But I think you should avoid Twilight for a while.”

“Oh, pish-posh. A little mud is good for the mane, just ask Rarity.”

Fluttershy rolled her eyes and sighed, silently reminding herself that Discord was going to be a long-term project. But she couldn’t deny one thing: his image with the foals had just gained a pretty big boost.

Perhaps that was the whole point.

Author's Note

Was there ever any question who might be behind all of this? I'll grant that convincing Rarity and Rainbow Dash to play along with his game had to have been tricky, but certainly worth it.

Only one foe left to defeat!

...or is there?

Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years = Queen Guinevere

Part X: And Now For Something Completely Different

The party hurried through the growing darkness, past the Shearsmare’s Clocktower with no concern for the Shearsmare, across the haunted town of Ponyville and to the ominous wood beyond. Their haste was understandable, for high in the sky roamed the eerie moon which, upon reaching its zenith this night, would unleash the Scourge of Equestria upon the helpless little village. The wise Marelin knew their time was short, and so she did encourage their haste – but not too much haste!

Yet, as they at last came upon the pass that would take them to the Monolith of the Nightmare, they found their way barred by an eruption of smoke! And from this smoke appeared a lone figure, her form bearded and a hood of antlers upon her head. She did throw a bag of mysteriousness, which again erupted into sparks and smoke!

Marelin raised her staff before the adventurers, her gaze wary and uncertain. “Who are you that blocks our path?”

And the mare did turn to them, revealing a coat of white riddled with black lines most unnatural, and she did smile upon the party with yellow eyes all aglow.

“Answer I shall on a whim; there are some who call me… Prim.”

The Paper Squire, donning her most noble poise, did approach the enchanter. “Greetings, Miss Prim! I—”

“Greetings, Paper Squire. Of this meeting I have long desired.”

The Paper Squire did gasp. “You know who I am?”

“Indeed I do, and the purpose of thy quest, too!” And the enchanter did raised her hooves, and a cloud of shining green light flew into the night sky, amidst the applauding of the watchers. “I come here to aid a stranger, for the path ahead is fraught with danger.”

“We’re not afraid!” declared Ben, and she and her arcane sisters formed behind the squire with courage in their hearts.

“Yeah, we can beat anything,” Pip the Pirate announced with great aplomb.

“We beat Sir Laughs-a-Lot,” Tom Dumb reminded them all as he and his companion G’rain strode forward. “There’s nothing we can’t do.”

A marginally less enthusiastic Clydesdale Diamond rolled her eyes at the sight. “Can we just get this over with? I’ve got candy to eat.”

“Lead on, good Prim,” Marelin commanded with a majestic wave of her staff. “Take us to this threat most dire.”

And the enchanter did as told, leading the brave heroes forward through the pass. They moved with great caution, prepared for any threat, weapons unsheathed and hearts beating like the war drums of old. Just beyond sight of their ominous destination, Prim raised her hoof and the ponies did pause.

She pointed to the grass beyond and announced, “There you see it on the prowl, a wicked little beast most foul.”

The heroes craned their necks and scanned their environs, anticipating a creature of nightmares. Would it be a manticore, a hydra or perhaps the dreaded quarry eel? Mayhap a dragon had come to their small village – or so the daring squire did hope. Yet their gaze befell on none of those things. Instead, they were met by only a white rabbit, who observed the adventurers with an expression of disdain.

“So… where is it?” asked the witch And.

“Is it behind the rabbit?” queried Anti.

“It is the rabbit,” Prim replied.

At this revelation, the heroes broke into raucous laughter, and even Marelin did offer a chuckle.

But Prim maintained a manner quite grim. “Do not think this only filler, I assure you that rabbit is quite the killer!”

“This is ridiculous,” said Clydesdale Diamond as she strode forward.

“You blank flanks can stay here,” added Silver Bonnet, joining her gangster friend. “We’ll defeat this horrible foe for you, buncha babies.”

Just then did the rabbit leap about, and delivered a mighty buck to Clydesdale’s face! And the rabbit did dance about their attacks to chew and kick and slap. Too late did the gangsters realize their error, and soon they fled back to the village, too frightened and beaten to continue.

“Celestia’s name!” cried Marelin, raising her staff in defensive posture. “It can only be the Rabbit Fiend of Weird Analog!”

Prim did dance and jeer and laugh at the party’s astonishment. “I warned you, is it not so? That rabbit is far greater than any foe!”

“Oh, put a sock in it,” grumbled Ben.

Tom Dumb gazed upon the threatening leporidae. “There must be some way to get past it.”

“Oh, if only I’d brought my pet owl Avesiane,” lamented Marelin.

“Wait,” did speak G’rain the Adventurer, “what about the holy fritter thingies?”

“Yes, of course,” cried Pip the Pirate, “the Holy Fruit Bombs of Antitrot! They worked against Sir Laughs-a-Lot, didn’t they?”

“We used them all up beating him,” the witch And replied.

Marelin displayed her frustration by striking her staff upon the ground, which shook mightily. “Shoot! And those things were outright made for Rabbit Fiends. Seriously, check the Scroll of Armaments.”

“We’re this close to being real heroes,” declared the witch Anti, “and we’re not gonna let some rabbit get in our way, are we?”

With a collective cry, the adventurers did charge the pesky rodent, despite the urgent warnings of Marelin and Prim. Though they hacked and slashed and cast spells aplenty, the Rabbit Fiend did dance from their grasp like a spry-pawed timberwolf, and struck with no less swiftness and power. The Paper Squire herself most certainly almost lost her leg to the fell creature as it leapt upon her and gnashed its nasty, big, pointed teeth!

So aggressive were its tactics, so powerful its frenzy that it soon proved too much for even this band of adventurers. “Run away!” did cry the Paper Squire, and as one the party retreated to the general safety of Marelin and Prim. Alas, not all escaped; the witches Ben and Anti, and even the mighty Tom Dumb lay defeated beneath the hare’s fluffy feet.

Prim chuckled at their despair. “Another frontal assault might not be right,” she suggested. “After all, that rabbit is like dynamite.”

“What are we going to do?” cried the Paper Squire. “We can’t defeat that thing, and the moon’s almost at its… uh… The moon is really high. How are we supposed to stop Nightmare Moon now?”

And Marelin did drop her staff in defeat, uttering as she did a whine most pitiful. “Oh, but if only we had a weapon made for fighting rabbits! I’m sure the Lady Carrot Head would be ashamed of this display.”

It was then that G’rain the Adventurer realized their collective folly. “Hey, uh, Pip? Didn’t Miss Harvest… I mean, that Carrot Head lady give you a sword or something?”

“But of course,” cried Pip, “the wondrous Taproot Blade!” And he pulled out the carroty weapon to display it before the awed sight of the heroes. “B-but, she said it wouldn’t last long. I didn’t want to waste it against a weak enemy. I was saving it for a really strong one!”

“I think this qualifies,” And said in a manner most serious and not at all sarcastic.

“Whatever you’re gonna do, do it fast,” cried the witch Ben. “I think he’s getting hungry.”

“Hey, I thought you were dead,” replied the Paper Squire.

“Be certain, you are no loon,” Prim noted, “but the pirate had best act soon.”

And so the remaining adventurers – both living and miraculously not dead – encouraged the Dreaded Pirate Pip to act. His courage grew with their cheers, until at last he found the strength to face the wicked Rabbit Fiend in solo combat! Upon seeing the glory that was the Taproot Blade, the Rabbit Fiend did quake in its fur and emitted a threatening bellow – which came from its stomach. A neat trick, or so the Paper Squire thought.

The battle was short-lived, as the wicked and apparently ravenous rodent did fall upon the first blow. Yet, as the pirate pulled the weapon away, the rabbit did arise from its grave and renew its assault! With every blow, the rabbit would be defeated, only to rise again when the blade was removed from its furry flesh, and with each new strike the Taproot Blade grew smaller and smaller. At last, the Dreaded Pirate Pip chose to let the blade remain within the Rabbit’s Fiend’s body, recognizing this as the only way to keep the creature down.

So did Pip the Pirate earn his heroism that day, for he would later be honored by the Lady Carrot Head herself for his valor. Songs would be sung of his great deeds! He would soon come to renounce piracy forevermore, instead opting to become the Carrot Squire. Fated was he to received the legendary Vorpal Blade, with which to bring down all manner of dastardly foes with its profound snicker–snack!

Or so Marelin prophesied. Whether this would actually happen or not, the Paper Squire could not say. Regardless, the adventurers hailed Dreaded Pirate Pip for his deeds, raising him high and cheering his name. Even the dead ones, who were not so much dead as a little incapacitated.

Then did Prim speak, “You glorious ones, your cheer is too soon! Do cast your gazes upon the moon.”

And sure enough, they all turned their eyes skyward to see the moon approaching its zenith, and with a collective cry they did gather their confectionery hoard and the Sacred Treats. They flew with as much haste as their tiny hooves could muster, onward to their final destination.

Marelin was sure to give the Rabbit Fiend a belly rub as she passed him. By some miracle, she did not lose her hoof.

Author's Note

Okay, who saw this coming?

Prim the Enchanter = Tim the Enchanter, famed wizard of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

The Rabbit Fiend of Weird Analog = The Rabbit of Caerbannog of the same show.

Part XI: The Legend of the Paper Squire

The winds were fierce and the clouds did loom as the party sprinted through the pass. After surpassing so many great hurdles, at last they came upon the very target of their quest; the Monolith of the Nightmare. No sooner had they arrived than wicked laughter erupted through the clearing. All eyes turned skyward as a vile black chariot soared through the clouds, its dark passenger gazing upon them all with eyes of blinding white that sent chills down the spines even of the bravest of heroes.

“We’re just in time,” declared Marelin. “Hurry, everypony, we must deliver the Sacred Treats!”

“No!”

A choir of gasps erupted as the Paper Squire stood before her party, her head held high and certainly without a wobble in her knees.

“What are you saying?” asked Tom Dumb. “If we don’t give her the Sacred Treats, Nightmare Moon will eat us instead!”

And Twilight – not Marelin, not the fearless wizard who had guided them all this time, but Twilight Sparkle herself – stepped forward with concern and confusion in her gaze. “Dinky, what are you doing?”

“Indeed,” spoke an ominous voice, “we would ask the same.”

And the Paper Squire turned to find, looming over her like a mighty warlord, none other than the armored and glaring Nightmare Moon. Her mane sparkled like the stars themselves, her coat as black as pitch and her fangs more wicked than even those of the heinous Rabbit Fiend! The squire set eyes upon this majestic monstrosity and knew then that she looked upon the very face of wickedness.

She might have gulped. She’d have never admitted it, but she might have.

“Give her the Sacred Treats!” cried the witch Anti.

“She’ll eat you if you don’t,” reminded Ben.

But the Paper Squire stood tall before the Scourge of Equestria… or at least as tall as her certainly not quaking legs would permit. “I won’t do it. I won’t give you the Sacred Treats.”

Nightmare Moon reared back, her cry of fury rivaled only by the strike of lightning that accompanied it. “How dare you deny us our spoils! We will devour you, little pony, and all that you hold dear. Give us our confections and we may spare thy friends!”

“Do as she says,” pleaded the cowering Pip. “Before she eats us!”

Twilight stomped her hoof and backed away from the wicked alicorn. “For the love of Luna, Dinky, be reasonable!”

“It is for the love of Luna!”

At the Paper Squire’s words, a sudden silence fell upon the clearing. All eyes, even that of the Scourge, were affixed upon the squire, and this attention did embolden her heart.

So she stepped forward and held her head high. “I won’t give the Sacred Treats to Nightmare Moon. I will give them to Princess Luna!” And she took the fiend’s hoof in her own and nuzzled it, offering the brightest smile she could.

But the nightmare did jerk away from her touch, her face transformed into a scar of villainy. “What trickery is this? There is no Luna! We are thy Princess of the Night! If you will not give us our prize, we shall be forced to take it!”

“Don’t be bad, Luna. You’re good! You don’t have to take the candy, we’ll give it to you. As a gift. So please, don’t be mean anymore.”

The Nightmare wavered before this noble showing, but still it refused to release its mighty hold on the princess’s heart. “N-no, we don’t believe you. We don’t require your kindness!”

But then the Paper Squire did gaze upon the alicorn with eyes that shimmered, of a size that rivaled even the brilliant moon.

“Princess Luna, won’t you be our friend?”

Such a showing of Harmony proved too much even for the Nightmare’s dark heart, which cracked like an eggshell upon the wall of the squire’s devotion. Before the eyes of all, the alicorn gave a pitiful wail, her body engulfed in a white light as her wretched armor fell away. Black faded to the most regal of blues, and the wickedness of her eyes did fade. Soon there was naught left but a beautiful creature of the night.

And those moist eyes did take in the tiny squire standing before them, and the once-fanged lips turned up into a smile so lovely as to rival even that of the Timeless Lady Glen-of-Years.

“I accept.”

The adventurers stood dumbfounded for some time, but then all did cheer! None had anticipated such a glorious moment as this, to witness such bravery and goodness within the form of their beloved leader. As one did they welcome the reformed Princess Luna amongst their ranks, offering her treats and smiles and love aplenty, and the princess did grace them with her smile.

Marelin approached the young squire, her eyes shining with pride. “Dinky, that was amazing! Whatever made you think to befriend Nightmare Moon?”

And Dinky smiled upon her mentor. “I saw so many things on this adventure! And loved her sister Timberjack, Ben wouldn’t fight her friend the Swindler, Dreaded Pirate Pip always stood up for his friends! Even Bonnet and Clydesdale fought with us against Sir Laughs-a-Lot. I’ve made so many friends, and everypony we fought became nicer when they got friends.”

She turned back to Princess Luna, who was surrounded by laughing and talking adventurers. “So I thought, why is Nightmare Moon so mean? Maybe she doesn’t have any friends.”

Upon hearing this wise conclusion, Marelin embraced her protégé tightly. “That’s wonderful, Dinky, absolutely wonderful! Your mother will be so proud of you!”

It was then that the princess inquired as to the absence of her loyal Paper Knight. With great sadness did the Paper Squire inform her of her mother’s dreadful illness.

“Well, this simply will not do,” announced Princess Luna, setting the squire upon her back. “Come, my little ponies! We have a sick knight to visit.”

So did the band of victorious ponies parade through the village of Ponyville. The citizens did gape upon the noble procession in alarm and fear. But, when it became absolutely clear that no foals would be devoured this night, there was much rejoicing and festivities, and all were merry within the basking brilliance of the moon.

And the heroes paid visit to Chateau Hooves, descending upon a surprised and overjoyed Timekeeper and Paper Knight. With words of delight and pleasure did Marelin recount to all the glorious adventure of the Paper Squire and her merry friends, and the Paper Knight’s pride was so great that her smile did glow like the sun.

All would recall this glorious evening as one of the greatest adventures in the annals of the Paper Knight and her beloved squire. Many more Nightmare Nights would come, and time and again the Nightmare would return to torment the beloved princess, but always the Paper Squire, later to be a knight of her own title, would be there to save her.

Granted, if the princess would but heed the squire’s advice and meet with a doctor over her unfortunate medical condition – scientifically dubbed Nightmaritis, if she recalled correctly – then they could all be saved the trouble every year. But Luna was a princess, and who understands the ways of a princess? Certainly not Dinky. She just chalked it down to stubbornness and eventually resigned herself to the duty.

Anyway, many a Nightmare Night would come and go, but all would most fondly remember that particular adventure.

For it was the stuff of which legends are made.

Author's Note

So it ends...

Almost.

Epilogue

Princess Luna stepped out of her chariot and greeted the Lunar Guard at the door. Before entering Canterlot Castle, she turned to the massive bags sitting in the back of her chariot. A single, smaller bag rose in her aura. “See to it that half the candy here is distributed amongst the families of the Royal Guard, and the rest to the charities I named prior. Oh–” She then gestured to her drivers, who had fallen to the ground in pools of their own sweat. “–and see to it those two get a few paid nights off.”

After receiving confirmation, she pranced into the castle, unwrapped a lone lollipop and delighted in its fruity taste. Knowing her sister was likely to be asleep already, she instead turned for her own chambers. Her lips were kept in a delighted smile the entire way, and she merrily greeted every guard she passed, which they returned with no small amount of cheer. She couldn’t help but recall how different their reactions were from the last Nightmare Night.

The music touched her ears, faint at first but steadily growing louder. It was a slow piece, but a familiar one, warming her heart and calming her bubbling eagerness. Yet even the soft tones of Tārā Sapnā couldn’t completely dispel her abundant energy. With a greeting to her two guards, she pushed open the door to her chambers and was immediately surrounded by the deep, quiet music.

Octavia Melody paused in her playing, casting a red-eyed gaze upon the princess and offering a fanged smile. “Good evening, Luna. Happy Nightmare Night.”

“Happy Nightmare Night, Octavia!” Luna set her bag of spoils down on a nearby table and took in her mare’s appearance. “No wings this year?”

“I thought a more legitimate vampire illusion was appropriate,” she replied, setting her cello on its stand. “so I asked Miss de Lis to forgo them. I take it the visit went well this year?”

“It was splendid,” Luna declared, raising her lollipop in the air like a trophy. “And quite enlightening. I had no idea the foals of this age were so well-versed in the tenets of Harmony. It seems my sister can do something right after all.” That last with a chuckle and a wry smile.

“That’s good to know.” Octavia sidled up to the princess and pressed her cheek to her shoulder. “Maybe next year I’ll go with you. Oh, and you did remember to invite Twilight, didn’t you?”

“Oh. Uh… about that.” Luna sat back and rubbed her hooves together with a sheepish smile. Octavia’s raised eyebrow brought out a blush. “Well, I learned all about this wonderful adventure Dinky had, and it was truly touching. I found myself rather… erm… enamored, you see.”

Octavia’s smile turned mischievous. “Luna, did you invite a foal to our wedding?”

Luna made a ducking motion. “I might have invited a few foals. And their families, of course.”

“I should have expected it.” Octavia giggled and pressed against her fiancée, a warm smile on her lips. “I don’t really mind. The more the merrier, right? Just so long as you invited Twilight.”

A long, quiet pause.

“You did invite Twilight, right?

“Umm…”

Octavia sighed and buried her face in Luna’s coat. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Love me?”

“If I must.”

“Oh, don’t be like that.” Luna pulled an Unholy Truffle Amulet from the nearby bag. “Here. Truce?”

Octavia stared at the gold-wrapped candy, then at Luna’s pleading face. At last she grinned and took the offered treat. “Fine, but only because you spoil me rotten.”

“Huzzah!” Luna raised her hoof – and lollipop – yet again. “Am I not the greatest negotiator of romances ever?”

The musician rolled her eyes, but didn’t lose her grin. “You’re adorkable, Luna. Now give me some more of that candy.”

Author's Note

Well, this is an Audience of One sequel, is it not? For those of you confused or a bit put off by the fact that Octavia and Luna are engaged, I recommend reading that story to figure out just how it happened.

Part V: Curse of the Timberjack

What had once been a pair of travelers had now blossomed into a merry band of eight, led by the brave Paper Squire and her wizard guide, Marelin. Having collected the Sacred Candied Carrots and Macaroons of Chocolaty Glory, they continued onward to the nearby Orchard of Shadow. Infested with malicious vampire fruit bats and brimming with deadly, ripe fruit bombs, the companions made sure to keep their distance from the ominous trees. All save the witch And, who was known as a friend of the orchard and knew no fear of its many dangers.

At the edge of the orchard did the party find the third Hero of the Kitchen, a massive stallion known only as the Red Knight, keeper of the Sparkling Fruit. Yet when the Paper Squire explained her quest in honor of her glorious mother, the Red Knight offered not his Sparkling Caramel Apples.

Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer leered and threatened the mighty knight. He would not budge.

The witches Anti and Ben threatened to curse the knight, and Marelin foretold of the doom of Nightmare Moon. Still, he would not budge.

The Paper Squire entreated the Red Knights honor, and begged his assistance in the name of the Paper Knight, with whom he had fought alongside in many an honorable battle. Yet even so, he would not budge.

Only then did the witch And approach, and she did reveal herself to be his youngest sister, lost through the years in her search for her missing Mark. So overjoyed was the Red Knight at the meeting of his sister that he did at last reveal the truth to her companions: it was not that he wouldn’t grant the heroes his boon, but that he could not. Only the Red Knight’s sister knew the secret to activating the magic of the Sparkling Caramel Apples. Yet on this darkest of nights she was nowhere to be found, for the wicked powers of Nightmare Moon had beset the mare, who had thus been transformed into the hideous Timberjack. Fearing the scorn of her kin, the Timberjack had fled into the Orchard of Shadow, perhaps never to return.

Disturbed by this news, the witch And swore to find her sister and bring her home. Determined not to let their friend enter the ominous woods alone, the Paper Squire and Pip the Pirate promised their aid. Yet the Orchard of Shadow intimidates even the bravest of ponies, and none of the squire’s other companions dared to enter, not even the witch’s sisters. Even Marelin could provide no aid for this mission, for the wood drained her magic and rendered her helpless.

So it was that the Paper Squire, Pip the Pirate and the witch And journeyed into the dark orchards together. Though the Orchard of Shadow permits no light into its grim territory, the witch And knew the land as did none other than her beloved sister, and so she led the way into darkness.

Ominous was the wood that night, with deadly explosive fruits hanging over our heroes’ heads and the peering gazes of the vampire fruit bats threatening possible attack. Yet the witch walked with courage and confidence in every step, and her manner did bolster the hearts of the squire and pirate. She led them around gremlin nests and slumbering cider snakes, and made sure to steer them clear of the most-certainly haunted house visible through the thin trees. Of this the Paper Squire was most pleased, for there lived the cantankerous green Elder Pony that may or may not cook tender young fillies in her cauldron for presumably stealing her rusty horseshoe.

As the moon continued to rise, the trio did hear a sad howl, accompanied by the whining of some beast within the orchard. Though their hearts did tremble, they followed this sound to discover none other than the hideous Timberjack, a half-pony, half-wood monstrosity of bramble, claw and fang. When they approached, the wretched creature hid behind a tree, its body fraught with shivers.

“Timberjack,” pleaded the witch And, “what is wrong with you? Don’t you recognize your long lost sister?”

The Timberjack peered from around the tree, which the Paper Squire and Dreaded Pirate agreed was a bit too small for the occasion. “Apple Bl—I mean, Ben?”

At this query, And was taken by a fear so great she stomped and sobbed. “Has the curse made you forget your sense, too? I’m And!”

“Oh, uh, right. I knew that, yes ma’am.” The Timberjack’s eyes darted about. Pip the Pirate, fearing this to be a signal to summon her timberwolf friends, readied his blade.

Yet he was stilled by the reassurance of the Paper Squire, who approached the hidden creature. “Please, Miss Timberjack, won’t you come out? Your sister has missed you, and your brother is scared, and we can’t give the Sparkling Caramel Apples to Nightmare Moon! We need you, Miss Timberjack.”

But the Timberjack refused this call, knowing that her appearance was hideous and she would be feared. “There is no love for a monster like me!” she cried in the night, and her howl did send creepy crawlies up the heroes’ skins.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” pleaded the witch. “You’re my sister, and I’ll love you no matter what you look like.”

“Is that so? Then prove it.”

Thus did the Timberjack step out from her hiding place, revealing a creature beyond the Paper Squire’s terrible imaginations! Long were its claws of timber and adhesive; mangled was its face of bramble and leaf; unnatural were its growths of wood and cord! Its green eyes did shine like the flames of changelings in their caves, and within its orange muzzle shone fangs of the most deadly plastic. So vicious was its visage that the Paper Squire and Dreaded Pirate did hide from the sight behind the one thing in all the land that stood without fear: the good witch And.

“You see?” lamented the Timberjack. “Look at how scared they are! Why, there’s more fear for me than mud on a pig’s back!”

“There ain’t no mud on Piggington,” And proclaimed. “I washed her myself this morning.”

“I think you’re missing the point, Sugarcube.”

“No, I ain’t!” And And did approach her fearsome sister and embrace her, a sight that left Pip the Pirate green. “I don’t care what ya look like on the outside, and neither will our brother. You come on home. I bet Marelin will even have a cure for ya! And if not, so what? Winona could use a playmate.”

Touched by this showing of acceptance, the Paper Squire approached the pair. “You are scary, Miss Timberjack, but you’re a good monster. Maybe if you show the other ponies how good you are, they won’t be afraid of you.”

A powerful emotion settled upon the poor creature, who proceeded to embrace the witch and the squire, to the momentary horror of the pirate. But when she released them, safe and sound, and revealed the tears of hope in her eyes, even the Dreaded Pirate Pip admitted that the beast was good, and put away his weapon. With the Timberjack becalmed, they returned to the edge of the Orchard of Shadow to meet their companions and the Red Knight, who held the creature the moment she appeared.

Upon securing Marelin’s promise to seek a cure for the Timberjack’s lamentable condition, the creature proceeded to enchant the Sparkling Caramel Apples, which were then gifted to the Paper Squire and her companions by the eternally grateful Red Knight, and there was much rejoicing.

Yet this cheer lasted not, for the Paper Squire’s quest was yet to be fulfilled, and two more Heroes of the Kitchen Table remained. The witch And rejoined her small coven, but swore to return to her loving family as soon as the Paper Squire’s quest had been completed. Respecting the witch’s determination, loyalty to her sisters and honesty to the Timberjack, the Red Knight chose to bless her with yet another boon: the famed (and freshly baked) Holy Fruit Bombs of Antitrot, their very fillings crafted from the delectable electric apples of legend.

With these fresh armaments and the sacred bounty collected, the heroes now depart on their journey to the fourth Hero of the Kitchen.

Author's Note

Using Timberjack seemed so obvious to me for this section that it felt almost criminal not to do so. Also, I am aware that And's name can cause confusion. I like it that way.

The Red Knight = Several characters bore this title in Arthurian Legend, most prominent being Sir Ironside, the Red Knight of the Red Launds, who starts as a villain but later become a Knight of the Round Table.