Five Fillies at HayDonald's

by Samey90

Rating: teen
Tags: Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Silver Spoon, Button Mash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Twist, Random
Length: 6462

The Cutie Mark Crusaders hang out with their new friends for the first time. Soon, they find out that everypony in Ponyville is indeed crazy.

“So... Where do you usually hang out?”

Little did Diamond Tiara know that her innocent question would spur an avalanche of strange encounters, bizarre conversations, and weird events revolving around a certain fast food establishment. Will hanging out with some of the more... alternative of the young Ponyville citizens teach the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon a lesson about friendship?

Warning: Contains lemony narration and 120% of your daily dose of sodium.

Coverart by Bootsy Slickmane
Russian translation by wing regent and LunReaper/Лунный Жнец:

🇺🇦tabun.everypony.ru🇺🇦

🇺🇦Ponyfiction.org🇺🇦

Published 2015-11-04 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-04 21:50:01 UTC

Also Features a Cameo of a Princess

“So... Where do you usually hang out?”

Diamond Tiara’s question hung in the middle of the clubhouse like a hot air balloon – big and shaped like Pinkie Pie’s head. It took a while before someone decided to answer.

“Well... We were usually just sitting here and looking for ways to get our cutie marks,” Sweetie Belle replied. “But I guess it kinda lost its relevancy as of late...”

“Err... Can you repeat those last words?” Scootaloo asked, looking at Sweetie unsurely.

“She means you got your cutie marks already,” Silver Spoon muttered.

“Oh... Of course I knew that,” Scootaloo said quickly. “So... What are we gonna do?”

“Dunno, we can just stay at the clubhouse.” Apple Bloom sat on the floor. “We can play checkers or somethin’...”

“No, thank you,” Diamond Tiara replied. “We already did that yesterday and I guess I don’t have to remind you how it ended...” She looked at Silver Spoon and Sweetie Belle, who blushed, staring at the floor.

Scootaloo shuddered. “Yeah, sweeping all that loose hair was a nightmare... How about we go to the town?” she asked. “There’s some kind of fair there.”

Sweetie Belle’s ears perked up. “Of course! I love fairs! And then we could go and eat something. I’m really hungry.”

Apple Bloom cleared her throat, overwhelmed by Sweetie Belle’s happiness. “Well, Ah’m pretty sure Applejack has something–”

“– healthy.” Sweetie Belle sighed, stopping in mid-air and landing on the ground. “I already have healthy food at home. And at my parents’ house. And–”

“Okay, I get the idea,” Diamond Tiara said. “And I’m also sick of healthy food. You have to eat a lot of it to feel good.” She patted her stomach.

“Yeah, we all know you’re on two diets because one is not enough,” Silver Spoon said. “Also, it makes me wonder that Sweetie Belle considers–”

“Enough.” Diamond Tiara looked at Silver Spoon coldly enough for the fog to appear on the lenses of her glasses. “I’m no longer on two diets, because my mother decided that dry bread and water will be enough for me since I started to hang out with you.”

“Really?” Scootaloo exclaimed. “Does she keep you in the basement too?”

“No,” Diamond Tiara replied. “She just went to her special cabinet. I think she got over it by now.”

“You mean the cabinet she stores her liquors in?” Silver Spoon asked. “I once took a sip and that was–”

“Silver. Spoon.” Diamond Tiara gave her friend a heavy glare. “Would you, please, refrain yourself from telling about every single skeleton in my family’s closet to those–” She paused for a while. “To our new friends?”

“Why is she usin’ so many words?” Apple Bloom whispered to Sweetie Belle.

“I can’t see how is that an issue,” Sweetie Belle replied.

“You have skeletons in your closet? Cool!” Scootaloo exclaimed.

Diamond Tiara buried her face in her hooves. “Can we get back to that part where we were going to eat something? That sounded much more interesting.”

“Eeyup,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah think we should just go out and see what’s goin’ on in the town.”

“Exactly.” Silver Spoon nodded, standing up and walking to the door of the clubhouse. “This whole conversation won’t bring us anywhere.”

“This isn’t getting me anywhere.”

The charity fair wasn’t going well for Button Mash. First, he saw Rumble and Featherweight going to the cinema with Zipporwhill and Alula, which already spoiled his mood. Then, he was chased away from a stand with homemade wine by Berry Punch. Judging by her determination, she’d seen the looks he and Ruby were exchanging during Cranky and Matilda’s wedding.

After about ten minutes spent hiding between rotting cabbage and old cardboard boxes in some backyard, Button finally saw Berry Punch walking away. He got out of the garbage and tried to clean his coat, with predictably poor results.

“You okay there?”

Button turned back to see Ruby Pinch sitting on the fence with grace one can only achieve after years of being that one kid all the parents warn their children about. In case of Ruby it was additionally reinforced by the fact that her mother also used to be a nuisance for all the law-abiding citizens when she was a kid.

Ruby, of course, didn’t give a fiddler’s fart about what others thought about her. She jumped off of it and walked to Button.

“What’s up?” Button asked.

“Cloudsdale,” Ruby replied. “I was just wondering if you could run away from my mom.”

“As you can see, I did it.” Button smirked. “How about going somewhere where your mom can’t see us?”

Ruby gave him a blank stare. “No, thanks. Currently, I have Rhabdomyolysis–”

“What?” Button looked at Ruby unsurely. “You should go to the hospital, like, now. I can walk with you.”

“Rhabdomyolysis rehearsal.” Ruby sighed and rolled her eyes. “That’s my band.”

“You’re in a band?” Button asked.

“Yeah.” Ruby gave out some inequine sound – if Button knew what the word “rhabdomyolysis” meant, he’d think that the name of the band was rather accurate. Given right circumstances, that voice could make muscles fall apart.

Of course, Button didn’t know the meaning of the word, so the only thought that crossed his mind was something like “my eardrums!”. To be honest, Ruby didn’t know the meaning of that word either – she just found it in a random book she’d picked in the library and decided that it was pretty metal.

“So... yeah.” Button rubbed his ear. “You’re in a band. How is it going?”

“Cool, unless Lily Longsocks breaks the drums,” Ruby replied. “Or the floor under them.”

Button nodded, paying more attention to his eardrums than to what Ruby was saying. “Can I go and see you playing?”

“No,” Ruby replied. “The world is not ready for that.”

Button looked at her, raising his eyebrows. If he was a bit older, he’d know that “the world is not ready for that” is a handy substitute of “we can’t play and we only do covers of whatever band we’re ripping of from at the moment”. But since Button didn’t know any better, he thought that Ruby was the best girl since... Well, she was the best girl ever.

“Well... Gotta go,” Ruby muttered and walked away. Button looked at her, lost in his thoughts, till she disappeared behind the corner. Then he sighed and trotted back to the fair.

As he was walking down the street, he noticed something unusual. Well, it was only unusual till the last week, because the sight of the Cutie Mark Crusaders hanging out with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon was becoming increasingly common since the former got their cutie marks. Button wasn’t sure what to think about that. In fact, he wasn’t sure about many things, except one: it definitely wasn’t his lucky day.

Perhaps due to having nothing left to lose, he walked to the five fillies and smiled at them. “Hello,” he said. “Wanna hang out?”

“Bite me,” Diamond Tiara replied. The group of fillies walked to the next stand, barely paying attention to Button.

“Why are fillies so complicated?” Button asked himself.

“Don’t ask me, I’m just here to sell toys,” the owner of the stand replied. Button looked up and saw Princess Cadance sitting there with a table full of figurines and information that every bit would go for poor foals in the Crystal Empire.

“Wait,” Button said in a sudden moment of clarity. “You’re the Princess of Love, right? Maybe you’ll help me?”

“Well, it’s always better to figure things out by yourself,” Cadance replied. “I can offer you some advice, though.”

“Would they be more kind to me if I followed them?” Button asked.

“Yeah...” Cadance muttered. “I think that may work...” She smiled, seeing the colt walking away quickly. “It may also end up in restraining order, but it all depends how you play it.”

“You shouldn’t have yelled at him,” Sweetie Belle said, looking back at the place where Button had a conversation with a certain pink pregnant princess. “He’s kinda cute.”

“Might be, but he interrupted me when I was looking at those wonderful cookies,” Diamond Tiara replied, throwing a cookie into the air and catching it with her mouth. “Nopony stands between Diamond Tiara and her food.”

Scootaloo whispered something into Apple Bloom’s ear and they both laughed. Diamond Tiara looked at them and furrowed her eyebrows.

“I’m pretty sure they wanted to say that it shows,” Silver Spoon said quickly.

“Something tells me that you’re using psychological projection and attribute your own views on Diamond Tiara’s appearance to them,” Sweetie Belle muttered. “What? Why is everypony always surprised that I know things?”

“Ah’d like to know where ya get that knowledge from,” Apple Bloom replied, looking at the stand full of pineapples. “It ain’t natural.”

“I studied all of Rarity’s books on psychology,” Sweetie Belle said blushing just a little. “It helps since my life is a long dark tea-time of the soul...”

“That went weird rather quickly,” Scootaloo muttered. “Are you sure you’re okay, Sweetie?”

“Sure.” Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Hey, those are nice gems, don’t you think?”

“Indeed.” Diamond Tiara looked at the gems. “I’m gonna need some for the necklace I’m making.”

“You’re making necklaces? Ah’ve never knew about that.” Apple Bloom asked, watching some rubies. They reminded her of apples, which led to an image of Diamond Tiara and her sitting in a barn on the top of a big pile of apples and–

“Hey, look! Spoons!” Silver Spoon exclaimed, running to the stand. “How much for that lovely wooden spoon with arabesque ornaments made of golden wires?”

Scootaloo looked at Silver Spoon and shrugged. “Don’t you think that some ponies take their hobbies a little bit too far?”

“Can’t hear you. Spoons.” Silver Spoon turned her head to them so they could see madness creeping on the bottom of her eyes. Scootaloo froze, but not for long – Sweetie Belle poked her and pointed at another stand.

“Thanks for ruining the moment, Spoony,” Diamond Tiara muttered, snapping back to reality after imagining herself and Apple Bloom sitting in her room on a big pile of apple-like gems and–

“Oh my gosh!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “Rainbow Dash wigs!”

“Ah guess we have about fifteen minutes,” Apple Bloom muttered.

“Twenty,” Diamond Tiara said. “Trust me, I know Silver. If she’s not back in twenty minutes, we’ll have to drag her away.”

“I wonder why Scootaloo wants another Rainbow Dash wig.” Sweetie Belle looked at Scootaloo who was hovering around the stand. “She already has four...”

“The more you know...” Diamond Tiara shuddered. “I once dared Silver Spoon to behave like a cat. Believe me, it wasn’t something you’d like to witness.”

“Ah’m not sure if Ah wanted to know that...” Apple Bloom stared blankly into the distance. Unfortunately, due to the crowded street, the intended thousand-yard stare ended up landing on Bon Bon, who was carrying a reddish striped suit and a cigarette case to the laundry.

“Acting like a cat?” Sweetie Belle asked. “I should try that once...”

“Nope,” Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara replied in unison.

“You’re no fun...” Sweetie lowered her head for a moment, only to look at the red and gold building not far away from them. “Okay, girls, time to get serious: are we getting some hayburgers or not?”

Diamond Tiara looked at the HayDonald’s in front of them and scratched her head. “You want to eat there? I thought we’d go to some fancier place...”

“Oh, come on...” Sweetie Belle squeaked, licking her lips. “The food is great...”

“It doesn’t seem like it,” Diamond Tiara replied. “I’m pretty sure it’s not the finest salad imported from the grassy plains of Great Bridletain.”

“Five hundred sixty three calories,” Sweetie Belle said. “Per one burger.”

Diamond Tiara’s eyes widened. Her jaw dropped and if she had glasses, she’d take them off now. “Silver Spoon!” she exclaimed. “We’re going!” She turned back to see her friend still at the stand. She sighed and trotted to Silver Spoon. “Silver?”

“The bowl and the handle in the ideal proportion...” Silver Spoon whispered, completely locked in her small, private world full of spoons.

“Oh, please...” Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes and grabbed Silver Spoon’s tail with her teeth. Silver Spoon’s hooves left four marks on the road as Diamond Tiara dragged her away from the spoon stand. Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle levitated the Rainbow Dash wig out of Scootaloo’s hooves and ran with it, chased by the pegasus.

“Hey!” the owner of the stand with wigs shouted to Apple Bloom. “And who’ll pay for that?”

“Darn tootin’...” Apple Bloom muttered.

“That’ll be fifteen bits,” the stand owner said, smirking.

Apple Bloom whispered a few more curses she learned from Granny Smith, but she had no other choice than to pay fifteen bits. Well, in fact she had a few more choices, but most of them would end up in her getting arrested. The part of the family that hoped Apple Bloom would become a lawyer would be very disappointed.

Apple Bloom sighed, giving her bits a farewell look, and walked towards the bar.

Button smiled, seeing that the fillies walked into the restaurant. After all, it was one of the places where younger citizens of Ponyville were often hanging out, much to Nurse Redheart’s annoyance. He trotted down the pavement and walked swiftly inside. Now, he had to make a good first impression. Style, fluent and precise moves – everything had to be perfect. Button took a first step towards the counter, when somepony grabbed him and pulled him to the side.

“You.” A red-maned filly with large, violet glasses looked into Button’s eyes.

“Me?” Button asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Yes, you.”

“Yes, me,” Button muttered. “What’s up, Twist?”

“Your flank will be, if you didn’t bring me my extremely rare uncensored Power Ponies vs. The Changeling Queen comic,” Twist replied in a tone suggesting that the whole thing may end in a deep hole dug out in some remote part of the Everfree Forest.

“Umm... I left it at home, you know,” Button replied quickly. “But don’t worry, it’s safe there.” Twist’s expression told him rather explicitly that the filly didn’t believe him. In this case it was justified, since Button had borrowed the extremely rare uncensored Power Ponies vs. The Changeling Queen comic to his companion in nerdhood, Little Red.

“I’ll check that,” Twist muttered. “What brings you here?” She looked at Button and saw that he was staring at Silver Spoon. “Oh, I see... You’re gonna just enjoy the view, huh?”

“You know that I’m bad at talking to fillies...” Button muttered.

“Oh, really?” Twist frowned. “I’ve never noticed.”

Button looked at Twist and some rusty cogwheels began to move in his head, ruining some elaborate cobwebs and crushing a few poor spiders. “You’re a filly,” he said.

“Eleven years.”

“What?”

“It took you eleven years to realise that I’m a filly.” Twist sighed and took a sip of cola standing in front of her. “Better late than never.”

“I knew that,” Button muttered. “Just...”

“Yeah. I’m a comic books nerd so your little mind assumes I’m a colt.” Twist grabbed a few fries and ate them.

The mention of comic books reminded Button who currently had the extremely rare uncensored edition of Power Ponies vs. The Changeling Queen. “Well, at least I can see you’re a filly,” he said. “Unlike Little Red...”

Twist looked at Button with that special kind of stare paramedics give to accident victims who speak nonsense due to blunt force making a short, yet powerful impact to their heads. “What about Little Red?”

“I’ve known Little Red for ages and I have no idea if it’s a colt or a filly,” Button muttered. “Seriously, that’s creepy.”

“Didn’t you look in the obvious place?” Twist asked.

The transmission in Button’s head decided to switch from the second gear to third. Unluckily, it forgot to engage clutch, which resulted in a few broken teeth. “That is?” he asked.

“The eyelashes.” Twist groaned. “Have you ever seen a colt with eyelashes? There you go.”

“Eyelashes, you say...” Button muttered, nodding. “It’s all clear now...”

Twist watched Button having his little moment of clarity. It was truly a wonderful sight: it wasn’t often for his mind to be tainted by any thought, which was the main reason why he had no chances with Twist. After all, Twist had standards. She was polite, efficient, and didn’t bother with colts whose amount of achievements in various games was bigger than their IQ. She smirked, seeing that Little Red had just entered the restaurant and was walking towards Button, still lost in his enlightenment.

“Hello, Button!”

Button, having suddenly lost connection with the higher plane of existence, turned back to face Little Red. Suddenly it occurred to him that his friend’s parents must have been colourblind: there was nothing red in Little Red, a white earth pony with dark pink mane and eyes of a similar colour. Even their thick-rimmed, square glasses were violet rather than red.

Frankly, given the amounts of fast food Little Red was consuming, the “little” part was also going obsolete rather quickly.

“So, Button,” Little Red said, putting a comic book on the table in front of Button. “I have this comic of yours. It was pretty cool! You’re a great friend... Why are you staring into my eyes?”

Button said nothing, his mouth slightly agape.

“Anyway, gotta order something. See ya, Button.” Little Red kissed Button on the cheek and walked away.

“Comic of yours?” Twist said coldly.

“Umm...” Button turned back to Twist.

“What a clever answer,” Twist muttered. “You were trying to impress her with that rare comic, didn’t you?”

“No... eyelashes...” Button whispered.

“Indeed.” Twist chuckled. “But at least he seems impressed, doesn’t he?”

Button only groaned.

“Okay,” Diamond Tiara said, looking at the colourful pictures of food in front of her. “I’m gonna have two Big Hays, largest fries, HayWrap... or two HayWraps...”

“And, like, diet coke with that?” the cashier asked. Her name was Turf and she always dreamed of being a fashion designer. Unfortunately, with her poor taste and less than stellar mental capacities, the closest she was to her dream job was when she decided to wear her uniform in a slightly different fashion. It didn’t make it nicer, though – she just looked like she slept in it.

“Yes, please,” Diamond Tiara replied absent-mindedly.

“Are you seriously gonna eat all that?” Silver Spoon asked, raising her eyebrows. She was kinda concerned about Diamond Tiara’s eating habits because she heard that being forever young sucked. And since Silver Spoon knew that time flew slower next to the objects of a large mass, she knew that sooner or later time paradoxes would catch up with her.

“Yes.” Diamond Tiara grabbed a tray. “Don’t underestimate me, Spoony.”

“Scootaloo, ya know ya owe me fifteen bits, right?” Apple Bloom asked.

“I can’t hear you over my Rainbow Dash wig,” Scootaloo replied. “And I want a quarter pounder with cheese.”

“Yes, we know: metric system,” Sweetie Belle deadpanned. “It was only funny the first three times you said that.”

“Ya still owe me fifteen bits, Scoots,” Apple Bloom muttered.

“I’ll buy you a hayburger,” Scootaloo replied. “Is that okay?”

“One hayburger costs four bits,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah ain’t need no fancy mathematics to know somethin’s wrong...”

“Okay, so I’ll buy you...” Scootaloo stuck out her tongue, trying to perform such a complicated calculation. Since Scootaloo’s maths abilities were more or less on par with Button’s social skills, this was already a hopeless struggle.

“Four hayburgers and small fries,” Little Red said, trotting towards the counter. “And while we’re at it, make it double. I’m a bit hungry.”

Turf rolled her eyes at the fashion disaster that was Little Red. “As you wish...” she muttered.

Scootaloo picked her food and trotted to the table, still looking at Little Red from time to time. “Good to have a maths nerd when you need her,” she whispered.

“Little Red is a guy,” Silver Spoon said.

“How do you know?” Diamond Tiara asked.

“Eyelashes,” Sweetie Belle replied before Silver Spoon could say anything. “Little Red has none.”

“That reminds me how I once dared Rumble to put on fake eyelashes,” Scootaloo said. “The effect was creepy... Not to mention that Rumble seemed to like that.”

Sweetie Belle rested her head on her hoof. “We heard Rumble saying that Thunderlane is his brother, but we’ve never heard Thunderlane saying that Rumble is his brother... What if Rumble is Thunderlane’s sister?”

“Oh, please.” Silver Spoon rolled her eyes. “Have you ever talked to Thunderlane in the first place?”

“No,” Sweetie Belle replied. “But remember that the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.”

Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Diamond Tiara looked at each other before shrugging and grabbing their food.

“This looks so unhealthy...” Diamond Tiara muttered to herself, staring at her Big Hay. “Why did I buy so many of them?” Her eyes narrowed. “Well, time to try it...” She took a large bite and almost a half of the sandwich disappeared between in her mouth. A trail of sauce ran down her face, along with some crumbs, bits of salad, and hay. More food was mashed between her teeth, turning it into a fine paste mixed with saliva. Diamond Tiara swallowed and took another bite, sending sesame seeds and pickles around.

“Does she always eat like that?” Scootaloo whispered, leaning closer to Silver Spoon.

“You should’ve seen her eating a mango,” Silver Spoon said.

“Well, it’s impossible to eat mango and not get dirty,” Apple Bloom muttered. “Not that Ah know, or somethin’...”

“We all know you made up this whole ‘I can only eat apples’ story,” Scootaloo said, looking at Apple Bloom askew.

“The thing is, when she’s done, there’s more mango lying around than she ate...” Silver Spoon frowned and looked at Diamond Tiara who was devouring fries, jamming half of the pack into her mouth and crushing them with her teeth.

“How about apples?” Apple Bloom asked.

“She eats them like candies,” Silver Spoon replied.

“Pineapples?”

“Whole slices at once.”

“Bananas?”

“You wish you’d never see that.”

“Grapes?”

“She snorts them.” Silver Spoon groaned.

“Really?”

“No.”

“Hey, look!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “I got a Radiance toy!”

“Superheroes are overrated,” Silver Spoon muttered.

Diamond Tiara swallowed her HayWrap. “Funny it’s you who say that...”

“Shh. Nopony can know,” Silver Spoon whispered, giving Diamond Tiara a nasty look.

“Do you have a cave, like Batmare?” Scootaloo asked.

“No, just a basement...” Silver Spoon blushed. “And no, I’m not a superhero. I, uh... I keep my Power Ponies merchandise there. There’s just not enough place in my room.” She looked around the restaurant and her eyes rested on a table by the door. “Hmm, is that Button Mash sitting there with Twist and Little Red?”

Silver Spoon was just as bad at lying like she was at diverting other ponies’ attention from herself. In this case, the only attention she managed to divert was her own. It wasn’t caused by Twist or Little Red; it wasn’t even caused by Button, who was considered kind of handsome among the fillies of Ponyville (which only showed how weak the competition was). It was caused by a small object lying on the table next to Twist’s hoof.

“Is that... the extremely rare uncensored edition of Power Ponies vs. The Changeling Queen?” Silver Spoon drooled. “I’ll be right back.” She darted out of her seat, leaving a trail of fries behind.

“Whoa...” Scootaloo muttered. “I never knew she was into comics...”

“That’s not everything,” Diamond Tiara said. “She’s also into those weird things from Chineigh...”

Sweetie Belle nearly choked on her hayburger. Her eyes suddenly became red and she stood up, resting her hooves on the table. Apple Bloom gave Diamond Tiara a look that was basically saying, “it was nice knowing you and we’ll surely show up on your funeral” while Scootaloo simply ducked under the table.

“THOSE ARE FROM NEIGHPON!” Sweetie Belle yelled, her eye twitching. “AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DAILY LIFE WITH MONSTER FILLY!”

“We all know that,” Apple Bloom said, grabbing Sweetie Belle’s tail with her teeth and forcing her to sit down. Sweetie tried to stand up again, but Scootaloo put a cup of cola in her hoof, hoping that a cold drink would calm Sweetie down. A cloud of cola-flavoured steam later, it looked like her assumption was correct.

“Daily Life with Monster Filly sucks!” Little Red exclaimed.

“Do ya hate yer life?” Apple Bloom asked, putting her hooves over Sweetie’s ears while Scootaloo held her hind legs to stop her from making a Little Red-shaped hole in the wall. “If any of ya has somethin’ else to say, I’m releasin’ her.”

Turf raised her hoof. “I believe you should, like, get outta here. If this place gets, like, demolished one more time, I’m gonna be totally fired.” She shuddered, remembering how her friend Surf was kicked out for illegal manipulations with the fries machine.

“Yeah, I think we’d better go.” Diamond Tiara grabbed the rest of her food and swallowed it in one bite. She then stood up and walked to Silver Spoon. “Are you going?”

“Not before we discuss the extremely rare–”

“We can discuss it on the way,” Twist said. “I was about to leave too, actually.”

“Oh, please...” Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Is that some meeting of nerds?”

“You keep stealing my comics,” Silver Spoon deadpanned.

Diamond Tiara sighed. “Fine. But at least I only read them. I don’t analyse every detail...”

“What a casual,” Little Red muttered. Diamond Tiara gave him a glare that’d kill him if it wasn’t for the thick lenses of his glasses.

In fact, given that Little Red had even less tact than Button and Silver Spoon combined, him getting kicked by somepony was not a matter of “if”, but rather “when”. It was only because many ponies still thought him to be a filly that it didn’t happen yet.

“We’d better go,” Button said. “I don’t want that girl spitting into my hayburger next time we’re here.”

The voice of reason, even coming from such an unexpected direction, was something they definitely needed. Seven kids walked out of the restaurant and trotted down the street. The sky was getting darker, but there were still many ponies in the streets; they saw Thunderlane and Cloud Kicker flying somewhere with Bulk Biceps and Zipporwhill’s father. Bon Bon was with Octavia and Vinyl, watching Lyra standing on one hoof.

“So, are we going home, or what?” Scootaloo asked.

“And in the issue thirty four, when Humdrum and Saddle Ranger–” Silver Spoon waved her hoof. “That was a nice foreshadowing when the issue sixty eight...”

“Oh, please,” Button muttered. “It clearly was an allusion to that deleted scene from the cartoon.”

“We do not talk about the cartoon.” Twist hissed.

“Okay, does anypony listen to me?” Scootaloo asked.

“I do,” Diamond Tiara said.

Apple Bloom nodded. “Me too, but Ah wouldn’t have high hopes about the rest...”

Scootaloo lowered her head, but only for a moment. “Actually, that reminds me of what they wrote in the Wonderbolts Magazine a year ago–”

“Did everyone go insane?” Diamond Tiara groaned. Behind her, Lyra fell on the pavement like a sack of potatoes. Octavia and Bon Bon lifted her while Vinyl was rolling on the ground, laughing.

“Ah’m not,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah prefer books.”

“Me too,” Diamond Tiara replied. “There’s a new Prancy Drew book soon...”

“Ah’ve heard about it.” Apple Bloom stopped near one of the houses next to the Carousel Boutique. “Is someone trying to strangle a cat there?”

“I think it’s just Pinchy,” Button muttered. “She mentioned something about a rehearsal.”

“I think I can hear the drums now.” Sweetie Belle’s ears perked up. “Or maybe it’s somepony falling down the stairs. Like that one time when Rarity got mad at me and she went to her special cabinet–”

“Her too?” Diamond Tiara asked.

“We can always find out.” Little Red trotted towards the gate and pushed it open.

“No!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “I’m not going there!”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “Ah think she forgot how mah brother pulled her house all the way here on Hearts and Hooves Day...”

Scootaloo gulped. “Remember how I told you about that one time when I was zip-lining all the way from Rainbow Dash’s house?”

“You did what?” Diamond Tiara looked at Scootaloo unsurely. She’d heard stories before, but she’d never experienced the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ tendency to do things that would make every insurance agent seriously reconsider their professional career.

“I was young and dumb...”

Sweetie Belle looked at Scootaloo, her eyes half-closed. “That was three weeks ago.”

Scootaloo sighed. “Okay, it was like this...”

“Wooohooo!” Scootaloo exclaimed as she was sliding down towards Ponyville. The rope, attached to clouds Rainbow Dash had put on the way, bent slightly under Scootaloo’s weight. She held the pulley tighter, her eyes focused on her aim, the market in the middle of the town. Of course, she remembered about her safety: she had goggles and a helmet, not to mention that a special harness was attached to the rope in case she let go of the pulley.

The wind was deafening. Scootaloo blinked, spreading her wings to keep balance. She was about to reach the first cloud, so she prepared herself for a little shake.

What Scootaloo didn’t know was that clouds were poor in supporting the ropes. But she could be hardly blamed for that – after all, Rainbow Dash didn’t know that either.

“Uh-oh...” Scootaloo muttered right before she hit the cloud, smashing it to wisps. The rope snapped and Scootaloo suddenly found herself at a rather uncomfortable attitude, which was at least getting smaller with every second. Unfortunately, Scootaloo’s speed was also rising and even though she was sure speed couldn’t kill her, she was certain that hitting the ground could.

“Wings, if you fail me now, you’ll stay with me while the rest of organs will be given to needing ponies,” Scootaloo muttered, spreading her wings. While they weren’t able to lift her off the ground, this was not an issue at the moment: with her speed, Scootaloo was able to soar without even flapping them.

The ground was getting closer, but at least Scootaloo was now in parallel with it, instead of diving there at full speed. She barely missed a tree. Then she saw a house which happened to be exactly on her way.

“Hmm, how do I turn?”

Meanwhile in the house, Lyra Heartstrings was sitting in the kitchen, furiously cutting an onion to pieces. Behind her, a large pot full of something undescribable was slowly boiling on the stove. Both windows were opened – the smell of Lyra’s dish was enough to knock her out if they weren’t opened.

Lyra was too busy fighting with the stubborn onion to notice an orange filly flying through one of the kitchen windows and leaving it almost immediately through the one in the opposite wall. Humming a happy song, Lyra levitated the onions and threw them into the pot.

Five seconds later, the pot exploded, which meant that low-flying pegasus fillies were now the least of Lyra’s problems.

Scootaloo continued her first and possibly only flight. The bushes in the back of Bon Bon’s garden slowed her down a bit, but she was still too scared to just drop on the ground. She flew a few inches over a fence and noticed yet another window on her way. Unfortunately, this one was closed.

“Oh, for the love of the hay god...” Scootaloo muttered right before piercing through the window.

The landing was surprisingly soft. Scootaloo rolled on the floor and stopped by the wall, losing her helmet on her way. After a brief moment of assessing damage, she realised that she was probably not dead. Now, it was time to check the surrounding environment.

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was a photo of a beautiful pegasus mare in a tight suit. Scootaloo thought that she was pretty nice, though not as nice as Rainbow Dash.

A groan brought her back to reality. She lifted a newspaper from her face and looked around. Next to her, Ruby Pinch was lying on the floor, rubbing her ribs.

“Are you okay?” Scootaloo asked.

“You interrupted something important,” Ruby muttered. “And you broke my window...”

Scootaloo stood up. “Umm... I’m really sorry...” She looked around the room and saw that there was hardly any free space in it – everything was stacked with books on various subjects. Even the bed seemed to be yet another shelf with books and a bass guitar lying on it. The closet was open – when Scootaloo looked there, she saw a few cushions and a sleeping bag inside.

“Get out,” Ruby muttered.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Scootaloo asked.

“Yes. Get out.”

“Fine.” Scootaloo rolled her eyes and limped to the door. To her surprise, it was locked.

“Why did you lock it?” Scootaloo asked.

“Because my mom didn’t learn to knock,” Ruby replied, levitating a key. “Now get out before I change you into a monad.”

“You can’t do that,” Scootaloo muttered, opening the door.

“Wanna bet?”

“And what did she do?” Silver Spoon asked, her eyes wide.

“She changed me into a monad,” Scootaloo replied. “That wasn’t a pleasurable experience.”

“Really?”

“No.” Scootaloo sighed.

“It’s obvious she couldn’t,” Sweetie Belle said. “A monad in cosmogony is the totality of all beings. It’d be hard to change somepony into it.”

“I didn’t want to check that,” Scootaloo said. “And I still don’t.”

The, for the lack of a better word, song ended in a high-pitched shriek that didn’t resemble any of the creatures known to ponykind and that’s saying much, given the richness of Equestria’s fauna. After a while, the door of the house opened and they saw Ruby walking out with Archer, Lily Longsocks, and Truffle Shuffle.

“That was nice,” Ruby said. “You only broke two sets of sticks today, Lily and I’m pretty sure Truffle will soon know how to play guitar.”

“Hello,” Button said. “How was the rehearsal?”

“Hold me, or I’ll strangle him with a string...” Ruby whispered. “I mean... What are you doing here?”

“Well, we were just going back from the HayDonald’s and–”

“– we’ve heard a sound as if someone was trying to asphyxiate a feline,” Sweetie Belle finished. “So we decided to see what was going on...” She paused, realising that everypony was looking for her. “For science.”

“That’d make good lyrics...” Ruby nodded. “Wait, what did you say about my singing?”

“Don’t think about that too hard,” Apple Bloom said quickly. “Ah know her for years and look what happened to me...”

“And what about me?” Scootaloo sighed. “I literally know her since we were born... Our mothers are friends.”

Twist looked at Apple Bloom and sighed. “You know her for years? And what about me?”

“You have a mother?” Little Red asked.

“The identity of my mother is apparently one of the town’s biggest secrets,” Scootaloo muttered with a sigh. “Just like your eyelashes.”

“What about them?” Little Red took off his glasses. “My makeup is not a secret. And I just look bad with long eyelashes.”

Button looked at Little Red unsurely, his mind desperately trying to switch to the fourth gear, only to break the handle. The he turned to Twist. “You said the eyelashes...”

“Do I look like an expert on fashion?” Twist asked.

“What’s wrong with my eyelashes?” Little Red raised her eyebrows.

“We figured out that you’re a colt because you don’t have them,” Silver Spoon said. “Were we right?”

Ruby gave Scootaloo a look that was basically saying, “you may have destroyed my window and interrupted my important stuff, but at least you’re not Little Red, Silver Spoon, or Button Mash”. Ruby was pretty good with making her stares very meaningful. If one sat next to her on a test at school, she could tell them the whole history of early Equestria just by blinking.

“Well, I guess it’s clear,” Little Red said coldly, their glasses shining brightly in the twilight.

“It’s no–” Silver Spoon’s voice was muffled when Diamond Tiara put her hoof in her mouth.

“Social skills,” Diamond Tiara growled. “Look it up one day.”

“But we’d–” Sweetie Belle didn’t even have time to speak up before Apple Bloom put her hoof in her mouth, just in case.

“Okay...” Scootaloo looked around, feeling like a soldier who charged at the fleeing enemies and suddenly realised that their brothers in arms weren’t following them because no one wanted to follow a fool running through the minefield. “So... We just had a good day, wanted to visit you to share, umm... happiness and...”

“Find out that we all have a lot of things in common,” Archer said. “Like, Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom like to put hooves in other ponies’ mouths and whoever gave us manecuts had exactly the same accident...”

“My mane is like that because I want it that way.” Scootaloo gave Archer a glare. “But anyway...”

“We all like to eat.” Truffle Shuffle smiled at Little Red who rolled her eyes.

“That too,” Scootaloo muttered. “I’m trying to be prolife here...”

“I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘profound’,” Sweetie Belle muttered, freeing herself from Apple Bloom’s grasp.

“Yes, that.” Scootaloo muttered. “But despite the differences...”

“I have cookies.” Lily Longsocks smiled, carefully putting all her drums on the ground. “Who wants some?”

“My mom made cookies too,” Ruby said. “I guess there’ll be enough for everyone.”

“I have candies.” Twist smiled.

“You always have them,” Silver Spoon said. “I was always wondering where do you–”

“SILVER SPOON!”

“Things you’re better off not knowing,” Button muttered. “Look it up.”

Twist hissed. “Button, what are you suggesting?”

“I suggest we go with Ruby, eat cookies, and stop saying things we may regret later. How about we talk about something neutral, like the latest reboot of Batmare? Everypony liked it.” Suddenly, Button felt cold gazes of at least half of the group on his back.

“I suggest cookies.” Lily Longsocks walked into Ruby’s house, forgetting about opening the door. As a result, the door suddenly became a large stack of broken boards.

Ruby picked up one of the boards and tried to break it, but it didn’t budge. “I’ll need a lot of duct tape for that...” she muttered, walking inside the house with her friends. “And I already used everything for the window...”