Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Comedy, Profanity, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 147179

Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most prized and faithful student, is being sent to Ponyville to learn about the magic of friendship.

And she's not happy about it.

Hear what Celestia has to say back! Check out the spinoff:
Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student by keaton-furman-prower

Still want more? Have a multiverse spinoff by MixMassBasher, my contributing writer for Seasons 5-9.
Letters From Across the Disgruntled Multiverse

Editing by Neko Majin C.

Disclaimer:
The following is a work of parody, and is protected as Fair Use under section 17 U.S. Code § 107 of US Copyright Law. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and all affiliated characters are property of Hasbro Inc.

Published 2012-06-07 17:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-21 18:46:07 UTC

Friendship is Magic, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Friendship is Magic: Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, so let me get this straight. My parents are paying top dollar for this school, and now because you think I'm too much of a bookworm who doesn't spend enough time with others, you're specifically sending me to some backwater town to check on your party preparations?

Especially when I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough that could save Equestria from Nightmare Moon. But no, that can wait. I have a celebration to get ready and friends to make! Screw the fate of Equestria.

And not spending any time with others? Please. I'm your PERSONAL protege, and you gave me this tower for studying! So you pretty much isolated me, and then blame me for not making any friends? Yeah, that makes a lot of fucking sense.

Okay, upon arriving in Ponyville, I immediately noticed the drug problem. Why? A pink pony who shrieked upon seeing me and then took off. All I said was hello. She's gotta be high on something. After that, your meal planner tried to give me an eating disorder. After that, I had to listen to birds sing and the conductor couldn't even look me in the eye. And seriously, birds? That's your fanfare? You raise the fucking sun for crying out loud. Get a rock band.

After that, we got to meet this egotistical bitch Rainbow Dash who apparently likes procrastinating until the last minute for one of the most important holidays of the year. And what's more, she messed up my mane. Now I'm pissed. I work on my mane for 30 minutes every morning.

After that, this dragon you keep on sending along got a hard-on for your decorator. I mean, why her? Does nopony find ME sexy? Once you go purple you never go back!

Oh joy, it's the drugged up pink pony again, and just when I was looking forward to relaxing, she decides to throw a party in the LIBRARY of all places, and invite everypony in the whole fucking town! What? Did the whole town shut down to welcome me? Fuck this, I'm going to bed.

Your pissed student,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

November 2013 Update: Automatic Jack's Voicemail Edition

Friendship is Magic, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Friendship is Magic: Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Oh, would you look at that. Nightmare Moon came back! If only we knew! Oh, wait, I knew. Now she's covered the whole damn place in night. Your Royal Guards couldn't even stop her. Speaking of them, where the hell is my brother? He's the captain of the Royal Guard, and he doesn't show up for the Summer Sun Celebration? Must have been having sex with somepony. I think he was doing that with my old foal sitter too. Every time he got home, she'd put a book in front of me and then sneak off with him.

So as I'm going back to the library to try and make up for lost time, these other five follow me, like they think I need their help or something. Whoever the last librarian was didn't have a damn clue. While the druggie found the reference guide to the Elements of Harmony under 'E', that's NOT how you sort books in a library. Have these Ponyville simpletons not heard of the Filly Decimal System?

So because you and your sister just kind of left the most powerful magical objects known to ponydom in the forest somewhere, I guess I have to go find them. Or, rather, us. These other five won't leave me alone. They probably want to take the credit or something. But not Pinkie. I'm pretty sure she's after candy apples.

First off, we barely managed to survive a landslide, and the farm pony tried to get me to commit suicide because she couldn't lift me back up from the edge of the cliff. I thought earth ponies were supposed to be strong. Oh well. It just reaffirms that unicorns are indeed the master race.

So after the landslide, we run into this pissed off Manticore. We took a little beating, but we were about to get the best of it when that animal rights activist Fluttershy had a death wish and trotted right up to it and took the thorn out of it's foot. Stupid creature, although, I must admit, it did wonders with her hair afterwards.

After making a little more progress, Pinkie once again demonstrated the horrors of drug addiction. We ran into these freakishly scary trees, and she thought they were funny. What the fuck is she on? Not too much farther on, we ran into a gay sea serpent who was having a bad mustache day, and Rarity cut off her hideous tail to calm him down. I really don't understand why he thinks a handlebar of two different colors is a fashion statement.

After Rainbow Dash took forever tying the bridge back up to your old castle, we finally found the Super Stone Spheres of Harmony. When the five ponies finally give me some peace and quiet to find out how they work, who should show up but Nightmare Moon! I knew I could take her one on one, but your stupid elements didn't work. So I had to buy some time, and then I had the perfect idea when I heard the others come to check on me. They'd be the perfect distraction!

For I had forgotten the secret to harnessing the Elements of Harmony – a dramatic monologue! After assigning each one of these dimwits an element at random, they joined up to form the Rainbow Cannon, which surprisingly didn't kill Nightmare Moon. And then you showed up, revealing that you had used me to redeem your stupid jealous sister who doesn't know that ponies sleep during the night.

So screw it. I'm not coming back to your school. In fact, Ponyville needs me. With my help, these peasants could actually amount to something in life. I'll even write you every week, proving to you how right I am.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

January 2014 Update:
Voicemail From A Disgruntled Friendship Student: Friendship is Magic: Part 2

The Ticket Master

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Ticket Master

Dear Princess Celestia

Well, I've only been in Ponyville for a few days, and it seems that you are already getting me back for dropping out of school.

It all started when I was helping Applejack pick apples. Why, you might ask? Because she wants to turn her brother into a transvestite. He must want to do it, too. Why else would he accept a dare to wear his grandmother's underwear? So that's why I'm helping. Because I want to see a stallion in drag. I swear, that must be one screwed up family.

Then what should happen? My walking, talking, purple fax machine gets a letter from the revered Princess, inviting me plus one guest to the most popular dress-up-and-act-important event of the year, the Grand Galloping Gala, and quite frankly, there are several things wrong with this. One, these are not my friends. Getting close to acquaintances, maybe, and definitely on my list of ponies that are better than you. But not friends.

Two; there are five of them, you troll. Not one, but five. This is Ponyville. Do you think that four of them are going to want to stay here and be noponies? No. They want to be noticed, because life sucks here, so now they're going to fight over who I get to drag to this stupid party.

Oh great, they're doing me favors now. Like this is supposed to make the decision any easier. Sorry you guys, but Applejack force fed me 30 apple dishes, so I'll be taking her. Yeah, Rainbow dug a three-foot hole in a raincloud, and let everypony else get soaked during lunch, so she's going with me. Oh, Fluttershy forced her slave bunny to clean the library and make me a salad, the ticket is hers. Oh shoot, Rarity really won me over with this slutty outfit she made for me and her to whore ourselves at the Gala. But then Pinkie had to go toss me up in the air multiple times, nearly making me throw up, and then tell the entire damn town that I have these tickets.

Once I was finally back at the library, I told them all to fuck off. I knew they were going to end up blaming me no matter what, so I sent the tickets back to you. I don't want to go to this upper class par-tay anyway.

So when what do you do? Because I saw right through your little troll attempt, you send me six tickets, practically forcing us all to go. Thanks a lot. You suck.

Your non-student,
Twilight Sparkle

Griffon the Brushoff

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Griffon the Brushoff

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I learned a few things. One, Pinkie is not just a drug addict, but also an annoying, pranking bitch. I was working on a formula designed to increase the intensity of orgasms, when they swapped my ink with disappearing ink, and thus my recipe was lost. Just fucking great.

I've also learned that inter-species breeding is indeed possible, as Rainbow introduced a friend that must be the result of a lion fucking an eagle or something. She's not bad. I mean, she got easily pissed at Pinkie, so she's gotta be right in the head. She even taught that weak-willed Fluttershy a lesson when she wouldn't get out of her damn way. Who leads baby ducks right down the center of main street anyway?

So after Gilda sent her hippie drug candy cane helicopter spinning out of control, Pinkie came to me to complain. Why the hell would she think that I want to hear her jealous ranting? I encouraged her to get professional help for her addiction, but she just left all huffy, claiming she could quit anytime she wanted.

In what must have been another drug-fueled high, Pinkie decided she would get revenge by throwing her a party. With even more pranks. So, um, yeah, basically the most cold-hearted, annoying revenge ever.

As expected, Pinkie acted all innocent through the pranks, as Gilda got more and more pissed. And when she finally snapped, Rainbow revealed that it was her! Pinkie was just the one that threw the party. Someone bullies you and wrecks your helicopter. So throw them a party.

Yeah, like I said. Drugs.

And I think Rainbow could totally form an indie rock band or something.

Your former, non-druggie student,
Twilight Sparkle

Boast Busters

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Boast Busters

Dear Princess Celestia,

Apparently Spike thinks a magic mustache would greatly help his chances of boning Rarity. Well, while I have calculated that the chances of him actually scoring are slim-to-none, I cannot have a bunch of dragon-pony spawn running around, so I took it away, telling him it was just for “practice.”

So when we started walking around, we ran into two of the biggest damn idiots in town. They started claiming there was a unicorn who was more powerful than me. So somewhat skeptical, we went into the main square and WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH??? Okay, I get why they think she's all awesome; this is a town of hicks, and her show is full of flashes and shiny things. Hicks like that stuff.

But a parlor trick pony better than me? Please. Sure, she hogtied Applejack, made Rainbow Dash sick to her stomach, and gave Rarity's mane an infinitely better color, but better than me? Hardly. That just proves that unicorns are better than everyone else, and in Rarity's case, that some unicorns are better than others, and I know that I'm the best unicorn in Ponyville. In fact, just to avoid completely humiliating that cunt, I left to do my laundry. That's right, laundry. When I'm living in Equestria's nudist colony. And she believed me.

So I go back to the library and start doing a little research on how I can best show this bitch up. Meanwhile, those two bozos are tending to her every need. Maybe once I prove I'm better, they'll do that for me. As it turns out, I was just about ready before those two birth defects brought an Ursa Minor into town just so Trixie could vanquish it.

Yeah, you heard me right. She never said how she did it. She didn't say how hard it was, or if her life was in danger, just that she did it. So that's clearly good cause for bringing another one into town. How has this shithole not been destroyed?

So this sparkly care bear begins rampaging through town, and as it turns out, that preppy slut doesn't have a fucking clue what to do. She lied about fighting one on her 'travels', which I now assume are her nightly travels to the street corner. What's this? She tied two of it's fingers together? Nope. Oh, now she got it. She struck it's ass with the smallest bolt of lightning ever. Yeah, that just pissed it off. While I was hoping to one-up that whore on stage, I had to spring into action so you wouldn't have to send down your Habitat for Hicks program if this fucker destroyed this place.

So first up, I played some sappy shitty lullaby music to calm it down. Then, I broke the town's water tower and used it to give a barn of cows a happy ending. I used the cow juice to put the beast to sleep, and I levitated his fat ass back to the cave. Trixie of course told me I merely got lucky, until I told her that it was just an Ursa Minor, and she hightails it out of town.

I was hoping that by showing off like that, the other five would hate me and perhaps leave me the fuck alone now. Well, no such luck. They were impressed.

If Trixie ever comes back, I'm gonna get her in bed with me, just to show her that I'm better than her physically, mentally, and sexually. Three points, you dirty whore.

And to make sure Snips and Snails had no chance of breeding their idiocy to anypony else, I gave them enchanted mustaches, which would make them extremely repulsive to any female pony. And just to screw with him, I gave one to Spike. So perhaps the next generation will be just a tad less fucking stupid. But I'm not getting my hopes up.

Your fucking awesome former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. We need a new water tower.

Dragonshy

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dragonshy

Dear Princess Celestia,

How the hell have you not been overthrown yet?

A dragon decides to hibernate on one of the mountains near Ponyville, begins to fill the sky with smoke, and instead of sending an experienced team of guards, or expert dragon-convincers, you're sending me up there with the rest of my friends?

First off, you're not technically my teacher anymore, and the only reason I decided to do this is because I didn't want to be thrown in a dungeon in whatever place you end up banishing me to. Yeah, I'm one of the ponies who sees right through to your tyranny. Secondly, why do we have to convince him to leave? Scouts reported he was sleeping in a cave? Well, get a couple blocks of C4 and collapse the mouth to the cave. Dragon problem solved, smoke problem solved, and everypony's happy. Seriously, that's a great idea. Why isn't there any C4 left from the war?

Another thing; what is it exactly that Twilight and Friends can do that a team of guards can't. Yeah, I came up with a name for this sad little group. I'm currently working on a jingle. Tell me what you think of these lyrics:

Twilight is a unicorn
From Celestia's nation
Taking her friends up to their ends
By a dragon altercation

Yeah. So it's been nice knowing you.

Well, after convincing my friends that there's actually some chance of survival, they all went off to prepare for the journey up the mountain. Rainbow went and painted her face. Either she's partaking in a war ritual, or is hoping the dragon see's her as absolutely fabulous. Applejack packed apples for everypony's last meal. Rarity might have seen right through my lies, because she just came back with a giant hat and a saddlebag full of scarves. I guess she wants to die looking her best. I told Pinkie Pie to prepare an improvised explosive in a saddlebag. I got the idea from one of the books here in the library. It's something called “absolute jihad”. But the damn thing went off when she came out the door, and she made it out of streamers. Fluttershy came back looking like she was trying out for hoofball. And she's afraid of her own shadow. Pathetic.

Well, before we even began our ascent, Fluttershy was intimidated by how tall the mountain is. Well no fucking shit, Shershy. It IS a mountain, as Rainbow so dubiously pointed out. The dragon snored, and that just froze that quivering dumbshit up completely. As the lowest member of society in our group, I made Applejack drag her up the long way around so we would have something to sacrifice in case we had to make a run for it. I'd sacrifice Pinkie, but I need her alive, for now, and I hope her second suicide bomb works. Actually, on the other hoof, the dragon eating Pinkie might not be such a bad idea. If the bomb was properly constructed, we could detonate it once she's in him. Problem solved. And if it doesn't go off, the amount of drugs in her system might actually kill him anyway.

We met Applejack and Fluttershy halfway up the mountain, and Fluttershy came up against her next daunting obstacle; a two-foot chasm. She should just fall and get it over with. And if she doesn't die, I'll just send Applejack down to drag her up again. Then, and you're not gonna believe this; further up the mountain, a leaf falls on Fluttershy's back, and she freaks out and screams, causing an avalanche. Seriously? A fucking. Leaf. Don't worry, we all could have been crushed, but at least the leaf didn't harm Fluttershy. Am I getting hazard pay out of this? I fucking better be.

Well, at the mouth of the cave, I wasn't going to put up with any more shenanigans, so I went in alone to confront the dragon. He just blew smoke in my face and told me to piss off. Kind of the way my dad ignored me as a filly. Then Rarity tried a little slutty charm, and well, you know how slutty and charming Rarity is, so that completely fucking failed. In another one of her drug-filled highs, Pinkie tried to party with the dragon, and then Rainbow just flew in and kicked him. I swear, Rainbow has no depth to her character whatsoever.

As the dragon is about to put an end to our meaningless troll-filled lives, Pinkie must have slipped Fluttershy some crack or something, because she just completely fucking snapped. The dragon must have got some different stuff too, because he just cowered like a bitch when Fluttershy scolded him for falling asleep where he could harm other beings. Then he started to cry.

Yep, crying. Pinkie, what the fuck did you give him?

So after he flies off, we made the journey back down the mountain, and Rainbow tried to set a record for the most ball bounces off her head. And this is a seriously freaking amazing ball. You have got to check it out sometime.

Your skeptical student,
Twilight Sparkle

Look Before You Sleep

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Look Before You Sleep

Dear Princess Celestia,

I've noticed something about Rainbow Dash. She loves napping on the job. In trees. As a matter of fact, she's been laying on so many tree branches, that a group of ponies had to tear down all the loose branches before a severe thunderstorm hits. And we're having this severe thunderstorm to make up for one they missed last week. Last I checked, Rainbow runs the weather patrol around here. So they probably missed last week's rainfall because she was napping in yet another tree.

So Rarity and Applejack went and helped some non-lazy ponies take down all the loose branches that the lazy bitch had been sleeping on, before they get snapped off in the winds of this upcoming storm. But Rarity thought she had to give each and every branch a spa treatment. Even if trees, or maybe just their branches, were sentient, I doubt they'd want their leaves to look like us. Especially when one of our kind has been sleeping on them. So we have a ditz who prettifies everything and a redneck workaholic. Clearly, I knew they were going to get into a fight.

Then it starts to rain. I stood there watching for a minute or two, then I called them in. I considered leaving them to run home in the rain, but I kind of want to see if they'll fight for a few hours in a sleepover, and then we all end up sleeping with each other. I mean come on; snobby fashion designer and a simpleton who kicks trees for a living? That's bound to brew up some conflict. And from that conflict, could potentially be a very sexy night.

Thankfully, Rarity stopped Applejack from coming in with muddy hooves, or I would've had to do some bucking of my own. So how did I come up with this sleepover idea? Simple. I was rounding up the worst books for my annual book bonfire when I came across one titled Slumber 101: Everything You Wanted To Know About Sleepovers But Were Afraid to Ask. I thought to myself, 'Wow, this isn't even good enough to burn. So why not torment my 'friends' with it instead?' Frustration build up, and could be released via sexual urges!

First up was makeovers. Not so much for me, but Rarity was certainly excited about it, and I figured if we put mud masks on, that's at least five minutes that I don't have to look at Rarity's hideous face. Then, during the ghost stories, they turned their stories into how they didn't like each other. Brilliant, it was working! So I decided to fuel the flames with a little truth or dare. Rarity forced Applejack to slut herself up a bit, and in return, Rarity got all wet. When they starting yelling at each other, I knew the opportunity was at hand. It was pillow fight time. Pillow fights usually lead to sex.

Sure enough, they went into it full force, and I got the brunt of the hits, and that really started to turn me on. So I suggested that we go up to bed. I decided for them to make the first move, so I pretended to sleep.

But they wouldn't stop fighting! Soon they started shoving each other off the bed and began tug of war with the blanket. Here I was, horny underneath the covers, and they weren't making any headway. I finally had enough, and pointed out that in Slumber 101, that the most important point was fun, and I can't think of more fun than a threesome. I was just about to lay into them when the thunder and lightning got really bad. It struck a tree, and it was leaning dangerously towards the house next door.

Now me? I would've let it fall. But Applejack, all compassionate and hardworking decided to try and tether the tree, and in the process, brings the whole damn thing crashing through my window.

That absolutely killed the mood. While they managed to get the tree out of my bedroom and get everything cleaned up, I couldn't get horny again. So my sexcapades would have to wait for another night.

Maybe I'll go after Rainbow Dash. I mean, she has to be into mares. Just look at that mane.

Your sleep-deprived, sexually frustrated student,
Twilight Sparkle

Bridle Gossip

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Bridle Gossip

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I tried teaching my other friends that being different isn't necessarily wrong, but the different beings have to try their best to blend in, and as long as they don't draw unnecessary attention to themselves, the master races and lowly peasants can get along fine.

Fax Machine and I started the day walking into the market square, to find it completely deserted. Before I can figure out what's going on, Pinkie drags us both into a dark Sugarcube Corner, along with the rest of our friends. Our stupid, stupid friends. All hiding from a hooded figure out in the middle of the market. Seems their parents never told them that there are other species out there that we are inherently better than. I explained to them what a zebra is, and then Rarity kept fainting, and Pinkie sang a song that she must have come up with during one of her highs. But I must admit, it sounded a lot better than her other songs.

Applebloom decided to get a head start on chasing the unwanted creature out of town, and we went after her to make sure she wasn't kidnapped and raised the wrong way by her. Apparently, she goes by the name of Zecora, and once we chased her back into the Everfree Forest, we were satisfied. She should understand that this is Ponyville, not Ponyzebraville.

The next morning, I awoke to quite the shock; my horn had erectile dysfunction. One by one, my friends showed up, and showed us just what Zecora had done to us in the forest. In an apparent attempt to bring her culture into Ponyville, she brainwashed Rarity into styling her mane into dreadlocks. Applejack can now fulfill her micro fantasies. Strangely enough, Rainbow is flying better than ever, Pinkie's drug abuse has finally hindered her speech, and she must have injected Fluttershy with one hell of a hit of testosterone, because damn, that manly voice. Even I want to sleep with her now.

We immediately decided to go teach that meddling zebra a lesson. We formed a lynch mob and set off into the forest. Applebloom, ever the overachiever, went on ahead. After we momentarily became separated, Applejack roleplayed a micro session with Rainbow while Pinkie began beatboxing with Fluttershy rapping about a fuck shit stack or something. After crashing into Zecora's hut, we reached a compromise; she would create the remedy for the curse she put on us, and in return, we wouldn't lynch her.

She also claimed she wasn't a zegro, but an African Equestrian.

Whatever.

Your racist former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Swarm of the Century

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Swarm of the Century

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, why don't we back the fuck up here. First off, NEVER ask me to give my friendship report in person. It takes time to organize all my thoughts into presentable form. So yeah, all that shit I just spat out about stopping and listening to your friends' advice was a load of crap.

Secondly, how in the moon do you NOT know what a Parasprite is? You've ruled for over one thousand years, and you don't know what a Parasprite is. Pinkie, Ponyville's drug lord knows what a Parasprite is for crying out loud!

So I spent the day helping Ponyville get ready for a visit from you. Why? I don't know. I didn't have anything better to do. Before going to check on the bakery, I noticed that the welcome banner said Princess Celest. They ran out of room. Even more unbelievable was that they managed to spell what they could fit correctly. The town folk surpass my low expectations again.

So when I get to Sugarcube Corner, I discover that Pinkie must have had a few hits of weed, because her appetite was once again out of control, and she partially devoured the dishes being prepared for your fat flank under the guise of taste testing.

Then Fluttershy showed up with three of these really annoying fairy things. Pinkie freaked, said something about a trombone, and took off. I figured I could take one home to keep Fax Machine company while I finished cleaning up the library. First I went to show it to Rarity and Rainbow. While on the way over to the boutique, it kept on shouting at me, 'Hey!', 'Look!' and 'Listen'. Damn it was annoying. By the time I got to Carousel Boutique, it had managed to multiply, most likely through somehow having sex with itself. Rarity and Rainbow happily took one each. Little did I know I was helping spread the plague.

The next morning, they had completely infested the library. For some reason, Rarity didn't seem to have a problem with them until she discovered they multiply via projectile vomiting. Remind me to disinfect every inch of this damn place.

Once we got them all rounded up and rolling out of town, Fluttershy, in some unsurprising fit of absolute stupidity, kept one because of how cute it was. Someone teach this ditz about pest control 101 please.

To add to the unfolding disaster, the binge-and-purge spell I tried on them only caused them to start devouring the town. So the next plan was to make an exact copy of Ponyville. Every building, every store front, every rock and every tree, right down to the orange roof on Howard Hooves' outhouse. And we actually managed to do it. But then when I realized that you were already on your way, we were going to need a little more time. I raced out with my friends to try and build a hilariously out-of-place toll booth to slow you down even more, but you had beaten us to the location. That, and Pinkie managed to lure the Parasprites out of town with a one pony marching band. How she manged to play that banjo with hooves and march at the same time, I'll never know, and I'll never care. So a druggie managed to save the town. Big whoop.

So there you have it. The reason I didn't give you my report in person was because of that insanity, and I didn't want to call all my friends fucking stupid in front of them.

Your pest-controlling former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. We need building materials for half of Ponyville.

P.S.S. Don't worry, the new water tower survived.

Call of the Cutie

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Call of the Cutie

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I walked into Sugarcube Corner to find the place a complete fucking disaster. For some reason, Pinkie decided to have Applejack's down syndrome sister help baking some cupcakes. They looked only slightly worse than dried turds. Apparently, she's been trying to get her cutie mark. So because she took advice from one of the town's lezponies, she's trying all these random tasks in hopes of finding the one she'll be forced to endure for the rest of her life. Becoming even more desperate, she turned to me, asking me to use my magic to automatically give her a butt symbol. So what I initially tried was cart-pulling slave labor. That one faded away. I then tried Benjamin Franklin, a serial killing victim, teddy bear stuffing, and a tricycle manufacturing sweatshop employee. I tried a few more, and they all faded away. Just to screw with her, I tried a hoofball player last.

Applejack tried explaining to her that cutie marks come with time, and only when a pony discovers that special thing that makes them special. She obviously failed in doing so, but I'm not surprised, because you can't explain things to a retard. Especially earth pony retards. I mean, at least the unicorn retards are good for things like designing dresses. But you don't get too many of those because of the selective breeding laws. So only the geniuses get to screw each other. So in short, my sex life is going to be great in a few years.

In simpleton towns like Ponyville, whenever a filly figures out what the hell they're gonna do with their life, a party gets thrown for them. Most of the other party guests have cutie marks, kind of like “Hey, congratulations, what the hell took you so long?” There are a few without cutie marks, so to them, it's kind of like “Hey, what the hell is taking you so long?”

So after Applebloom failed with the turdcakes, she accidentally walked into the party that she was so adamant on not attending. So clearly, by baking cupcakes on the same day of the party in the same place as the party truly shows her efforts in not attending.

Diamond Tiara, the guest of honor at this party, clearly likes singling out those that don't have cutie marks yet, and belittling those who aren't like her. She reminds me of myself when I was that age.

Then, as I saw Applebloom and two other fillies without cutie marks talking with each other at a table, I felt a cold shiver run down my back.

This town is about to be hit by a number of disasters...I can feel it.

Your concerned former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Fall Weather Friends

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Fall Weather Friends

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I was approached by Rainbow Dash and AJ to be the mediator of a competition between them, and I have to say, I am thrilled. They have both realized that I, as a unicorn, can successfully judge which of the two lesser races is greater. So they set up a series of events that will test their strengths in everything but magic. I found something rather interesting in their strength tests. Rainbow won the hoof wrestle, but Applejack won the hoofball punt. So Rainbow's front hooves are considerably stronger than her back hooves.

So, it's pretty obvious what she does in her bed at night.

I know that two weeks ago I was telling you about wrapping up that one day of winter, and apparently, in the last fourteen days, we've gone through Spring and Summer, and I believe I now know why the seasons are so abnormal here. It's because these ponies keep on manually fucking with the ecosystem. Yeah, manually changing the seasons has really fucked mother nature up. It doesn't know what to do anymore. This is exactly why Unicorns need to run everything everywhere. When you leave it to the lesser races, they screw everything up and decide to have a race to shake the leaves off of the trees.

Apparently Applejack was a little sore about Rainbow using her wings in the competition. Imagine that. As an earth pony farmer, she can use her natural strength in the contests, but she gets pissed when Rainbow starts flying around and shit. But as a southern inbred, I guess she just wants to be better than everypony at everything. So she challenged Rainbow to race her in this tree killing spree known as the Running of the Leaves. I had enough of everypony around here being uppity, so I entered the race too. I left Spike with Pinkie to do the announcing. Because, you know, I figured it'd be hilarious. When I came to the starting line, AJ was prepping Rainbow for a bondage session, and they were extremely skeptical about my ability to participate in an athletic event, and Rainbow guessed that I learned how to race from books. Please. Rainbow couldn't figure out how to read if I shoved a rolled newspaper up her ass. She'd probably enjoy it, too. Fucking lesbian.

Throughout the race, there were several instances where I felt Pinkie's commentary to be rather...disturbing. First off, she said that she puts ketchup on her hot dogs to make them nice and slippery. What the fucking hell? Pinkie eats meat? Isn't that a crime or something? She might be gender confused too, because I'm pretty sure I heard her say something about Applejack making HIS move when she and Rainbow were trying to pull ahead of each other. I'm not sure how Spike could take it.

But their honest competition didn't last, and it wasn't too long before they were one-upping each other in an effort to get ahead. The other racers were pretty pathetic, too. I mean, after Applejack or Rainbow would trip, the entire pack would pass them, and then like nothing, they'd run up to the front again. Their cheating got downright laughable, too. Apparently maple syrup has the adhesive properties of superglue, and Applejack didn't have the brains to figure out that maybe the Running of the Leaves didn't involve running up a treeless, rocky mountain, no matter what direction that stupid sign was pointing.

Pinkie and Spike noticed how embarrassingly far behind she was, they gave her an airlift to Rainbow, who was also pathetically behind. I also love how they thought they were trying for first. Did they not see EVERYPONY else at the finish line? I mean, damn, even I took fifth place, and I didn't even fucking try. I probably could have won too if I pushed a little more. And what the hell is this medal made out of, uranium? It's 5th place. Why the hell did I get a medal?

Your athletically challenged former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Fine, I didn't push at the end. I teleported myself in between 4th and 6th place. Is that what you wanted to hear? Sheesh.

Suited For Success

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Suited For Success

Dear Princess Celestia,

Since you're forcing me and my friends to attend this stupid Canterlot party, I figured I might as well try my best to get laid while I'm there. To accomplish that, I have to get this slutty dress fixed up. Yeah, I know, it's weird. We're naked 90% of the time, and we get dressed for parties. What is this place, a nudist colony?

Rarity took one look at my dress and scoffed. She told me if I really wanted to get railed at the Gala that I'd have to go all out. So she offered to make me a new outfit, something that says 'I'm here. Screw me.' I was of course excited by this. She also decided she'd try and get the others laid, so she set out to make us all sexy outfits.

So after a few days of singing while she worked, she calls us all back to see the fruits of her labor. In terms of fruits, they were pretty rotten. I mean, yes, they were very formal, but hardly slutty enough. The other attendees had to know we were desperate to get some. Luckily, the other four felt the same way, so we threatened to slander her boutique unless she remade them. Fearing for her career, she did so, to our exact specifications, although I'm really not sure of Rainbow's 'cool' scale.

However, our plan kind of backfired. I've spent so long here in Ponyville, that I've forgotten what attractive is all about. Even the simpletons here scoffed at our dresses. So even though we promised not to, we ended up ruining Rarity's career. We managed to catnap Rarity's pet to trick her out of her room to show her the dress we put together, so she could get herself one hell of a night before searching for a new job. Since we finally knew what would get us one night stands at the gala, we convinced Hoity Toity, the fashion tycoon, another fashion show at the boutique. He was so smitten with these dresses, that he asked Rarity to supply his brothel in Canterlot with seven of each dress.

Yep, we're gettin' some come Gala time.

Your desperate, horny former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Feeling Pinkie Keen

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Feeling Pinkie Keen

Dear Princess Celestia,

With how long she's been using and abusing, it seems Pinkie has finally taken in so much illegal substances into her bloodstream that it's somehow affected her genetic makeup. It would appear that her body now has several symptoms which allow her to predict the future. Also, Fluttershy has allowed the area's population of frogs to breed too abundantly. I'm telling you, Princess, our race has to go carnivore, it would do wonders to manage all these population issues of other species.

After she had gotten the frog horde gathered up, she thought it would be a good idea to fly them directly over town, and it was due to this ingenious course plotting that I got one frog directly to the face. After Fluttershy apologized, I suggested that she should take the frogs to the busiest part of Canterlot and perform a real life reenactment of Frogger. I mean, with how many frogs she had in that wagon, she'd have so many lives!

So after an entire morning of twitches, I kidnapped Pinkie and took her down to my super secret lab in the basement of the library. I tried taking readings of Pinkie's blood to see just how much drugs were in her system, and every single machine must have overloaded, because I didn't get any readings. After that, I discovered that Spike likes to slam doors open rather than casually open them. I proceeded to spy on Pinkie, when I was stung by bees, fell into Applejack's cellar, and why the hell does the local moving company employ retards? Of course, after all this, Pinkie reveals that she knew I was there all along. So she continued to let me follow her around while I was being injured time and again. There's a true friend for you.

Then she started having seizures. She believed it was because of a 'doozy' and not from all her drugs. So we went searching for Fluttershy at Froggy Bottom Bog. Turns out it's really not a good idea to go wandering around a swamp just because your druggie friend thinks so. Because we stumbled upon a Hydra. So instead of just Fluttershy being sacrificed for being a ditz, now we were all in danger because we listened to the psychic ramblings of an addict.

When we were nearly away from the hydra, there was an even bigger danger – getting muddy. We absolutely couldn't fall into this mud pit because then Pinkie would put alligators in all the baths we'd need. Everypony made it across safely but me. Nope, I had to slingshot off a mud bubble. And what did the doozy end up being? Me finally relenting, that Pinkie's drug-induced future-gasms are real.

Your enlightened former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.
Honk.

Sonic Rainboom

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sonic Rainboom

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I decided I'm going to forget absolutely everything I learned in my physics classes, for the following reasons:

Just as I was finished cleaning up the library, Rainbow comes crashing through my window. This happened because the mach cone she was forming slingshot her backwards. Not only that, but upon impact, every single book fell from the shelves, yet the ladder managed to stay up. I even got four scrolls in my mouth. Why I'm not the target of every stallion in this town is beyond me. Secondly, the spell book I needed happened to land on Pinkie when she was knocked into the bookcase. In fact, I've slowly started to disregard physics whenever Pinkie is involved with anything.

So Rarity suggested that I find some way to be at the Best Young Flier's competition to cheer Rainbow on, and that absolutely thrilled me. It was my chance to finally get out of this cesspool of a town for a bit. Rarity volunteered to be the test subject for the wings spell in the book. It was brave of her, not knowing the effects, but I suppose, like me, she didn't want lesser ponies to have wings if this spell was too difficult to perform more than once.

Well, turns out it worked, but it took so much energy, that I couldn't preform it more than once. So I found an easier spell that lets unicorns and earth ponies walk on clouds. That way, there was at least some chance that Pinkie and Applejack would fall to amusing deaths.

Rainbow and Fluttershy seemed to be surprised. We had a few hours before the competition, so Dash took us to see how the weather is made. This tour helped me draw two conclusions. One: Cutie Marks are useless. How do ponies with basketball, hoofball, and dumbbell cutie marks end up as employees of the weather factory? Two: I've gathered further evidence that Pinkie is turning into a carnivore. I mean, she tasted the rainbow pools, and everypony knows how the rainbows are made.

Well, those cutie-mark-confused ponies kept teasing Rainbow Dash, or as they put it, Rainbow Crash which is quite the fitting name. She really is terrible at flying. I didn't realize how insecure she was, because their teasing started to get to her. All that confidence and attitude was just a mask. Rarity noticed her weakness, and decided to one-up her and enter the contest herself. Daring, I must say.

So we all went to the Cloudiseum, and found our seats. Pinkie came in with something she calls a 'foam finger'. I don't know where she got it, but that is the most freaky appendage I have ever seen in my entire life. The performances began, and young Pegasi did a variety of tricks. One even managed to press Z or R 32 times.

Rainbow and Rarity came on stage last. Rainbow looked nervous as hell, and Rarity looked like quite the whore. She went into this completely lame midair ballet routine, while Rainbow knocked herself into a cloud pillar, the side of the stadium, and lastly, tried to assassinate you with a cloud. Good job on ducking, by the way.

At the end of it all, Rarity decided to ignore all my warnings, and flew up close to the sun, and got her wings evaporated. Remarkably, she also was able to knock out three of Equestria's finest fliers too. I'm not sure how Rainbow flew fast enough to grab them all, not to mention pulling up at a 90 degree angle. But before she did, she farted a rainbow or something. Fluttershy seemed to be quite excited by it. So all in all, she won the contest, and was awarded first prize.

A threesome with the Wonderbolts. Too bad I can't join in.

Your former, still sexually frustrated former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Stare Master

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Stare Master

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I realized that kids are fucking stupid. The thing that happened was, Rarity fell way behind on her hideous dress orders, and also promised Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo a sleepover on the same night. So because you can never, ever, EVER disappoint kids, Fluttershy, the dumb bitch that she is, offered to move the sleepover to her house. You know, the house with all the unsuspecting animals.

First of all, I have no idea why Fluttershy would offer to look after these demon spawn. I mean, two of them came from the same parents as Applejack and Rarity. If that doesn't raise a red flag with her than I suppose nothing will. I was on my way to Zecora's hut in the Everfree Forest for some herbal tea, and let me tell you, that zebra makes some good shit. Drink enough of that stuff, and those freaky masks on the wall will start talking to you.

So Fluttershy gets the fillies to her house, and predictably, they immediately start wreaking havoc. She did something right by finally getting them into bed. Then she did something wrong by letting Sweetie Belle take the lullaby. Woke up half the damn block. So when she got back downstairs, she thought it was quiet...too quiet. Because fillies are supposed to make a lot of noise when they SLEEP!

Well, it turns out they didn't sleep. They sneaked out of the house to go after a chicken in the Everfree Forest. One chicken. Seriously, why can't these three idiots leave well enough alone, go back to bed, and let some creature get treated to KFC? But I suppose if they did that, they wouldn't have found me in the middle of the forest, totally stoned. Good thing the cockatrice who did that to me was a total bitch, because all it took for it to reverse the effects was Fluttershy threatening to tell it's mother. I mean, damn. Unless it's mother is some kind of pacifist super badass, she should've totally called Fluttershy's bluff. Because I'm totally not buying that “stare” nonsense.

So the next morning, Fluttershy and I got together for some tea, and Rarity comes by to ask for help with her cat. I told her to just euthanize it, but does anybody take my advice? Nooo.

That fucking chicken better be grateful that those three are degenerate idiots.

Your stoned former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Show Stoppers

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Show Stoppers

Dear Princess Celestia,

I do believe I've discovered a fatal flaw with the Cutie Mark. I mean, once you find a hobby as a kid, and get good enough at it, that's it. I suppose our kind really can't look forward to career changes. Our whole existence is one big concentration camp. Fate slaps a random tattoo on your ass, and you're forced into that type of labor for the rest of your life. And why does the Cutie Mark wait until you become aware of your talent? Being aware of your abilities takes a certain amount of brain power that Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo apparently just aren't capable of. There should come a time when a pony reaches a certain age when the cutie mark just appears. Bam, here's what you're doing for the rest of your days, get to work.

So today we've figured out they can't feed pigs, they can't work a taffy machine, they give horrendous makeovers, everypony knows the only psychic in Equestria is Pinkie, they can't scale a 10 foot boulder, and I don't even want to know why they got the idea to scuba dive. Also, do you know a good lawyer? Because if they mess up my bookshelves again, I can't be held responsible for what I'm going to do to them. Even the school teacher, who somehow manages to educate these ruffians, wasn't able to hammer the point home that they should focus on what they're already good at. I don't know, maybe we need an actual hammer. I know that would make me feel better. So Cheerilee suggested the talent show. I couldn't figure out whether or not she was serious, but was sure it'd be a hoot either way.

So on the night of the talent show, I immediately became afraid of the motto 'fillies are the future.' Very afraid. But it was entertaining nonetheless. Cheerilee even had an ingenious award system; give the Best Comedy medal to the worst act of the night. Well, guess who it was? Yep, the Cutie Mark Disasters. Problem is, now that they thought this medal actually meant something and not just a consolation prize, they're now going after their talent in comedy. But I doubt they'll pull off anything funnier and more horrible than a rock ballad from the neighties.

So to close, I began rummaging through some of their rejected items for the show. Apparently Sweetie Belle thought ponies had five legs, sorry, but the Apple family's inbreeding hasn't even caused that deformity yet. Also I came across the best lyrics ever. I mean, why didn't they use these? In fact, I'll finish them real quick.

With our cutie marks, we'll rock Equestria.
We use our stomachs to digestia.
I write a letter to Celestia
My fucking lyrics are the bestia!

Your lyrical former student,
Twilight Sparkle

A Dog and Pony Show

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

A Dog and Pony Show

Dear Princess Celestia,

Quite an interesting day today. First, Spike ran off to help Rarity gather up gems, because frankly, she's a neat, prissy little whore who doesn't want to do her own dirty work. But what's her game? I'd like to know how she's doing it. Is she seducing him? Brainwashing him? Just purposefully leading him on? Whatever it is, I'd like some tips, because he's a lazy little fucker when he's 'assisting' me in the library.

So I was hanging out with the others in town when Spike comes up to us freaking out. He takes us to where this incident occurred, and over the next few minutes, we all found ourselves outsmarted by some damn dogs. Yeah, dogs. I'm telling you, Princess, we have GOT to start cracking down on these other species. I think I remember Pinkie mentioning something about eating hot dogs during her commentary of the Running of the Leaves. She may be a drug addict, but she has some good ideas now and then.

During the initial fishing attempts (don't ask), Spike got horny again, and tried to make out with Applejack, but was flatly rejected. We actually got a bite, and got pulled into a network of caves. During our search, we started fantasizing about Rarity slaving away for these dogs, and how she's afraid of getting dirty. Did you know Rarity won't even touch mud unless it's imported? What is it about Griffon and Minotaur mud products, anyway? Maybe it's not mud at all.

Now you're not going to believe what happened next. When we finally found her, she had somehow managed to rescue herself. These 'Diamond Dogs' were cowering and annoyed, begging us to take her away. Then Rarity hooked us up to a cart of jewels each.

So all in all, today was just a big fucking waste of time where Rarity got “kidnapped” and then made us do her heavy pulling.

That stupid, beautiful, sexy cunt.

Your laboring former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Green Isn't Your Color

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Green Isn't Your Color

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, so here I stand in Carousel Boutique, where I have just witnessed the greatest single revelation in my life so far. There was no way I could have possibly seen this coming at any time.

Fax Machine has a crush on Rarity.

What's more? Rarity somehow talked Fluttershy into modeling, somehow thinking she could turn her into some kind of picture perfect pony. Wow, come to think of it, that sounds like the name of a really bad song.

So, back to Fax Machine. Do you now that with a revelation of this magnitude, that it's really fucking hard to keep a secret? Luckily, I have a built-in secret-revealing detector. I call her Pinkie Pie. If you're about to tell somepony else's secret, she'll pop out of fucking nowhere.

During their first shoot, Rarity thought she could get away with dressing Fluttershy in something akin to what Elvis Ponsley would wear. You know, if he was still alive.

Upon realizing that Photo Finish wanted nothing to do with her and accept her failure, Rarity instead decided to live through her friend and convinced Fluttershy to continue modeling, even though she hated it. Which brings me to the focus of this letter: why the fuck does anypony keep secrets? Rarity and Fluttershy kept getting more and more frustrated because they wanted to keep the other one happy. So when both of them asked me to keep their secret, and voila, I had THREE secrets to keep! Pinkie even had to step up her alarms too. She even threatened to bake me into an apple pie.

I finally snapped, and decided to help Fluttershy get out of modeling. Well, not really. I just set out to make her look like a ditz, and hey, if it ended her career in modeling, I could consider that a bonus. I mean, just wait until the crowd sees her try and pick her nose with her hoof. Not to mention make her bark like the bitch she is. Seriously, I would kill for all that attention. But Rarity, wanting to continue to feed through Fluttershy's success, began cheering, and because that entire crowd liked things just because somebody else did, pretty soon the entire room was cheering.

Back in the fitting room, I then decided to do some contests with my secret keeping. First, how many hooves can I fit in my mouth? Then, how many pieces of fruit. After achieving impressive feats on both fronts, I then tried to turn myself into a plant to really freak everyone out.

But you know, with how hard it is to keep a secret, I finally blurted out Fax Machine's crush on Rarity. Then Pinkie chastised me through the dressing room mirror.

You know, I bet she's the one that's been haunting that abandoned department store on the edge of town.

Your loose-lipped former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Over A Barrel

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Over a Barrel

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, today, we have finally taken the first steps to answering the Buffalo Question. These creatures have been a drain on our livelihoods and economies for too long. So we have come up with the perfect weapon. Applejack, along with top Canterlot researchers, have created a genetically-engineered apple tree designed to infect the soil of buffalo land. For once the roots take hold, the virus spreads, and any plant in that soil that is picked and digested will proceed to make those savages sterile.

We have also come up with a brilliant cover. We have hoof-selected an elite unit of 'settler ponies' to invade buffalo territory and start a small community. Once they began planting their orchard on their traditional stampeding grounds, tensions began to rise, and I knew it was time to implement phase two. So we prepared the tree for transport, and set off on the next train to Appleloosa. But I think all the poison fumes from working in the labs have gotten to Applejack. She's talking to that damn thing like it's alive. Even gave it a name.

As you know, genocide gets me and my friends quite excited, so we stayed up half the night talking, and this kinda pissed off Spike. After he stormed off, Fluttershy expressed her wishes to be a tree, and then Rarity got angry due to her interrupted beauty sleep. The next morning, we awoke to a stampede of buffalo, who then proceeded to assault the train. Rainbow gave chase on the roof, and meanwhile, while the caboose is getting slammed back and forth, Spike is in there sleeping soundly. So he can't sleep with whispering ponies, but he can sleep through that shit? What the fuck?

After Rainbow forgot to look where she was going while flying, the buffalo actually manage to steal the apple tree. Not sure if they'd take it to their land, Pinkie activates our contingency plan: recover Rainbow, and infiltrate the buffalo society, gain their trust, and draw them into a conflict with the Appleloosans. Princess, your best ponies had been planning this for months, and so far, it was going perfect.

The rest of us arrived at Appleloosa, where Braeburn and Sheriff Silverstar were continuing to act the part of innocent settler town. After spending the rest of the afternoon and evening bringing them up to speed of the current situation, we decided to set out after Pinkie and the others in the morning. Luckily, they were successful in gaining the trust of them, and we didn't have to go looking. Chief Thunderhooves came to town for 'negotiations', and then Pinkie presented what she had specifically been tasked with.

Creating a song that could start a war. Seriously, you have to have some seriously fucked up drugs to pull that off, and she did it like it was a breeze.

We could barely manage to maintain our feigned concern when Thunderhooves delivered his ultimatum; move the orchard by high noon the next day, or they'd flatten it. As both sides prepared for war, Rainbow and Spike wisely maintained their undercover roles, and discovered that the buffalo had kept the engineered apple tree. This could be even better than what we hoped for.

Of course, at high noon the next day, the coward was about to back down and retreat his forces. We couldn't let that happen, so Pinkie let loose with her song again, and her psychological warfare was successful. The buffalo went into a rage, and one by one, they fell. Thus, we began the final stage of our plan. I launched a heavily drugged apple pie at Thunderhooves right as he was charging Silverstar, and it immediately counter-effected the song. He called off the attack, and made an agreement with the town, and returned the engineered apple tree of doom, and allowed it to be planted.

Thus begins the slow and eventual annihilation of their species. For in Equestria, only one culture is suitable. Our culture.

Sieg Hiel,
Mein Fuhrer Twilight Sparkle

A Bird In The Hoof

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

A Bird In The Hoof

Dear Princess Celestia,

Your pet bird is a dick.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Cutie Mark Chronicles

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Cutie Mark Chronicles

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!

Oh, sorry. I was just reminiscing about the day I got my Cutie Mark. Remember? I had been studying magic for awhile, and my parents had surprised me by signing me up for the entrance exam for your School for Gifted Unicorns. Well, you know what happened. Someone set off some kind of freaky Rainbow, triggered my untapped abilities, and you added a roof repair bill to my tuition because Fax Machine decided to get fat and punch a hole in your tower.

So today at Sugarcube Corner, I discover the three stooges are asking my friends how they got their Cutie Marks. So now, instead of discovering who they are, they're wasting time discovering who other ponies are. I've never heard of ponies that never get Cutie Marks, but damn, I think we've got three great candidates right here.

So Applejack initially hated farm life. Who knew? She took off on her own up to Manehattan to try the city life with her aunt and uncle. You would really think apples and oranges would go well together. Weird. So when she got homesick, she saw a rainbow pointing back to home. Turns out she didn't like starving herself with those binge-and-purge snobs.

Then Fluttershy shared her story of how she sucked at flying. Who would've guessed that? Also, her freefall was broken by a swarm of butterflies? Seriously? What were those things made out of, dark matter?

Then Rarity learned that her talent was gluing gems to shit and selling them to rednecks.

And apparently, Pinkie made Equestria by throwing a party in a grain silo. AFTER Equestria has been in existence for hundreds of generations. So apparently I've been living in Equestria 2: The Revenge.

The thing that ties this all together is Rainbow Dash farting a rainbow during a race in flight camp. So apparently, Rainbow Dash is the reason that I'm now living in this hellhole.

That fucking bitch.

Your screwed-by-destiny former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Scootaloo was haped.

Party of One

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Party of One

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know, I've been here in Ponyville for quite awhile. Several months ago, you sent me here to learn all the lessons I could about the magic of friendship.

Well, I think I'm done. Yep, pretty much learned it all.

Can I come home now? Pinkie is really starting to fucking scare me.

Your frightened former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Best Night Ever

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Best Night Ever

To my most unfaithful student,

You've undergone quite the transformation. I suppose you had to study abroad for me to see just how much of a stuck up, snobby, cynical bitch you are. Seriously, where do you get off, you little cunt? Ever since you dropped out of school just to spite me, I have been slowly plotting my revenge, and now, it's time for you and your friends to fucking pay.

So, all of you are quite excited for the Grand Galloping Gala, are you? Think it's gonna be the best night ever? Think again, McBitchy Pants. You and your disrespectful miscreants are in for quite the experience, though. I think I'll save this letter until after everything's over, too.

First off, I know how thrilled Applejack is to have an apple stand in the courtyard. But she's in for a bust. I've instructed all attendees on threat of molestation to not buy a single item from her cart. Then we'll see how uppity she is. That should teach her to try and profit off of my event.

Let's see, who's next? Ah, Fluttershy, every animal's best friend. Not if I have anything to say about it. You think she had a hard time with Philomena? Hardly. She thinks the garden's animals will love and adore her. Well, one simple fear spell cast over the garden, and suddenly, the night becomes hilarious. Bam. Next.

Rarity. Apparently, she's under the impression that any floozy with looks can walk into the Gala, give some royal stallion a hard on, and become a princess. Well, in that case, I believe I will invite my nephew Blueblood to tonight's festivities. Seriously, he's an asshole. The least chivalrous prince you will ever meet. I've lost count of how many hookers he's lost, and he pays well, too. Little Miss Prissy, expecting to be waited on and honored as a proper mare, is in for quite the surprise.

Rainbow Dash? That smart-mouthed tompony lesbian that almost hit me with a cloud at the Best Young Fliers competition? It seems she thinks that she can have a meet and greet with the Wonderbolts. Even if she manages to get into the VIP section, nopony is going to leave the Wonderbolts alone long enough for them to say more than one sentence to her.

Next one up is Pinkie Pie. The wild party pony. The one who ate my fucking cupcake at the tea party. She's in for a rude awakening if she thinks this is gonna be a par-tay with balloons and streamers and dubstep. These are the snobbiest bunch of snobs that have ever snobbed. They are not going to like her attempts at that, and that should prove humorous.

So that only leaves you, Twilight. For months now, you have sassed off to me in your weekly letters, thinking you're all that. Do you know who I am, you filthy whore? I raise the fucking sun each and every morning. You are going to stand next to me the whole night, and you are not to leave my sight. You're going to greet every single pony as they enter the Gala and have a better night than you. I also understand you've been very sexually frustrated during your time in Ponyville. So I think the perfect punishment is to give you just a touch of heat back there to keep you nice and horny all night. Then when everything is said and done we're going to go to the ice cream shoppe down in the market and I'm going to treat you all to banana sundaes with laxative.

That should put you and all your ungrateful friends in line.

Your former teacher,
Princess Celestia of Equestria

P.S.
Ah, it seems the Wonderbolt Soarin' couldn't resist one of Applejack's pies. Well let's just see how he likes MY pie.

The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

You haven't gotten a letter from me in a while because I've been seething from what you did to us at the Gala. I spent the next two days doing nothing but sitting in the bathroom, you tyrant! How the hell do you stay in power? You're all nice and gentle on the outside, but I know your true colors. If that letter of yours hadn't self-burned after I finished reading it, I'd have the proof I need to show Equestria who you really are. Leaving your school was the best thing I ever did. So why do I keep writing these damn letters?

To prove, week after week, that I do not need you or your lessons. And really, you wanted revenge on me for all those letters? You know what the cause of those letters was? You sent me down here in the first place! I also love how you acted all nice in the ice cream shop as we were eating those laxative-strewn sundaes, you bitch. It was so touching how you claimed you knew we'd 'liven things up a bit'. You pulled it off beautifully, because none of my stupid friends are seeing through this charade!

And DON'T tell me that I just imagined that Gala letter of yours just because I tried some acid from Pinkie ONE TIME. Don't you dare do it. I know what happened! Do you honestly expect me to believe that disaster of a Gala was just some string of hilariously unfortunate events? That the hours upon hours of sitting on the toilet wasn't because of 'laxative', but because of Pony Joe's 'lax quality control issues'? Just because I asked Pinkie for something extra because I really wanted to enjoy myself doesn't mean you didn't purposefully make us all miserable. Yes, one of the side-effects was extreme hallucination, but nowhere on that bottle did it say taking things WAY out of context and getting imaginary letters were side effects too.

So that means STOP sending me letters suggesting that Pinkie and I get help. Just stop!

That's okay, though. If you can keep this namby-pamby pony princess gig up, then I can keep this 'friendship student' thing going too. But first, I want to have a little fun. You could call it retribution for what you did to us at the Gala. And I can do self-burning letter spells too, so good luck proving I was behind this.

Because the thing is, Celestia, my disposition aside, I was your brightest pupil, your 'most faithful student', at one point. So you of all ponies know I can do my research. I know who ruled Equestria before you and Luna. He seems like such an upbeat guy who knows how to be delightfully random. So if you kept him in the castle garden in stone form just because you believe in 'keeping your friends close and enemies closer', I'm gonna make you regret that. If Harmony turned him to stone, then chaos should soften him up a bit. Turns out I have three separate ingredients that, when combined, become one of the most glorious forms of chaos ever known to ponykind.

I call them Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo.

Miss Cheerilee seemed so enthused by my suggestion of a field trip to the Canterlot Gardens. So much history could be learned there. History could also be made there. Let's see if my theory proves true.

Success! Not even two hours after the field trip ended, I saw approaching pink clouds, which began to rain chocolate milk down on Sweet Apple Acres. That's gotta be better for the soil and crops than water, right? I mean, it made Applejack's corn pop faster than anything I've ever seen before. It's also good for the animals! It accelerated their leg growth! And Rainbow mentioned soda showers over Cloudsdale. So far, so good!

But of course, here comes the distressed Princess Celestia asking for our help. Clearly, my friends still believed that you had nothing to do with our misfortunes at the Gala, because they were ready to help. Well, except Pinkie. She was perfectly willing to live with chocolate showers from now on. But apparently Applejack doesn't like her crops harvesting by themselves, or her apples growing to be about as big as her older brother's nuts. Of course Fluttershy wants to return the animals to their helpless short-legged forms so her life can have meaning again. Rainbow doesn't want the clouds to have minds of their own, because then she's out of a job. Rarity doesn't want to wear that hideous rain gear forever now, does she? Seems Pinkie and I are the only ones that can live in chaos.

So after this Discord guy did his monologue for a few, we all set off to find the Elements of Harmony in the castle labyrinth. I figured this was the perfect way to keep things as they are, because my friends can't find their way out a paper bag. Then the chaos master himself shows up, and decides to toy with us by taking away our horns and wings, and in the case of Pinkie and Applejack...um...uh...

Yeah, have to get back to you on that.

After he explained the rules, Disccord vanished. I figured he had trouble to brew somewhere out in space. I mean, there's gotta be someone out there he can annoy, right? So we set hoof into the maze, and got immediately separated. Turns out Discord didn't go anywhere. His plan had been set in motion. I knew he would make my friends' lives better. Applejack can now tell really convincing lies. Rarity is now considering the beauty of things that aren't so fucking shiny and glittery all the time. Pinkie doesn't tolerate laughing at her addiction to drugs and partying. Fluttershy is standing up for herself and talking back now. And Rainbow...

...well, come to think of it, Rainbow's still a cheating bitch who cares only about herself. Don't know what went wrong there.

This is going to be a beautiful, new Equestria. I call it Equestria 3: Revenge of Chaos. Wait, no, that sounds too dark. Return of Chaos, yeah, that's better.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Return of Harmony, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Return of Harmony, Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Um...okay, maybe, maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I mean, I don't know where it all went wrong. My friends were so much better once Discord messed with their heads or whatever. Rarity kept on trying to keep the others away from her rock...I mean, her 'gem', while Fluttershy kept poking at it, and for some reason, Applejack was trying to hump it. But, as amusing as it was at first, it began to get a little annoying. Especially with Discord laughing in all our faces. I suppose somewhere in this mess is the lesson of being careful what you wish for. On the way back to Ponyville, Discord decided he wanted to see Ponies on Ice, and turned the dirt roads into soap. Fluttershy even began abusing Fax Machine when we all went back to the library. It would've been funny, but then Rarity forced me to break the front door with 'Tom', seriously, she's named the damn thing now, and Fluttershy then slammed the empty mop bucket down on my head. Needless to say, I was starting to get a little pissed. So I whipped out the Elements of Harmony to undo the chaos I had unleashed. Rainbow was nowhere to be seen, so I decided to see if Fax Machine could finally make himself useful for once. Discord was all like 'come at me bro', and for good reason, because our attempt was pretty useless. But I don't know why! When we used them to battle Nightmare Moon, I found these friends of mine just as annoying! What's different?

Then, something happened. Something terrible. When everypony went their separate ways, something inside snapped. I felt...regret. Loneliness. I actually felt SORRY for how I had treated everypony! What the hell is up with that?!? That's not who I am! So I go back up to the library, hoping I wasn't turning over a new leaf, and found Fax Machine regurgitating all the letters I sent to you, which can mean only one thing.

You haven't gotten a SINGLE one of these letters! He's been keeping them inside his fat ass for all these months! So essentially, I've been here for no fucking reason at all! But then, I began to read them, and again realized what I had come here for. I wanted to come here and show Ponyville how much better I was than all of them. I came here to help them live a better life through my vastly superior knowledge, to point out their flaws and turn them into new ponies. I needed my friends back to the way they were, so I can feel like myself again!

First I went to get Applejack, then me and her went and bonded with Fluttershy. Okay, okay, we tried to have a bondage session with Fluttershy. Then we finally convinced Rarity to break up with Tom. I mean, the relationship was going nowhere. We're not quite sure what happened to Pinkie, but we found her in a wagon, laughing her ass off, so we just went along with it. Last but not least was the cheating whore. After Fluttershy asked very politely for permission to rape her, we eventually caught up to her, tied her down, and restored her memories. What, you were expecting me to go somewhere else with that?

So we found Discord lobbing chocolate milk grenades, and we at last were able to clean up my mess. We gave Discord a hard-on that will, quite frankly, last forever. So you can have him back. So then you decided to throw this huge celebration for us in the throne room. I mean, damn, you'd have thought we blew up the moon or something.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.
Hey Princess, I know that with the letters you returned, you were just trying to show Twilight just how much of a bitch she is, and try to change her behavior, but I have to say, it didn't really work. She thought I had kept them all along, and you didn't get a single one. So I'd say it's probably safer to let her live in her own little fantasy world, treat her friends badly and let them deal with her. I mean, why should we get involved? I'm a dragon and you're an alicorn. She's gonna die long before we do, either of natural causes or because one of her friends finally decided to shut her the fuck up. So just let her do her thing. It'll be much easier for us that way. -Spike

Lesson Zero

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Lesson Zero

Dear Princess Celestia,

First things first; please ignore that first 'Princess-has-to-come-and-save-the-day problem' letter you got from all of us, it was a ruse. Sorry, but Twilight was in the room when that one was written. So now that she's gone up to bed, the rest of us have gathered in the basement to write you our real letter.

So I guess we'll get right to the point; we are fully ready to admit that a secret war has been waged between Canterlot and Ponyville; for one single reason: Neither town wants to harbor Twilight Sparkle. We Ponyvillians sort of have the disadvantage, seeing as how Canterlot is the residence of the snobs and the gods, but we were willing to try.

We had it planned to the last detail. We bribed the Cakes to put so much damn frosting on her order of cupcakes that she would freak out, and with her attention to detail, waste time as the day began. Then, we had Spike conveniently not remind Twilight about her weekly letter to you until the very last minute. We figured this way, our motives would stay under wraps, and Twilight could go back to magic kindergarten where she belongs. Yeah, she's that immature. To keep up appearances, Spike convinced her time and again that such a possibility was preposterous. So she set out to find a friendship problem that she could solve. We figured that she would come to one of us first, so we all had our individual scenarios planned out.

First up was Rarity. Initially, we were skeptical about her planned scenario; come on, how is helping finding a lost ribbon a lesson in friendship? But Twilight was not going to get the opportunity to help. That was the goal here; everypony was going to be able to solve their own problems, so Twilight would fail her assignment, and she could get her high-and-mighty unicorn ass out of our town. Rarity also added the perfect touch; “Isn't it always in the last place you look?” That was hilarious. I have never seen anypony go “Yeah I found my ribbon but I'm still looking for it!”

We knew with Twilight, that no matter how well planned our game was, that no plan would ever fully survive her antics. So Rainbow Dash and Applejack went along with their planned barn demolition, and what does Twilight do? She goes all therapist on Rainbow! What the fuck? Did you know that she's possibly been giving unlicensed therapeutic advice? Isn't that illegal? Throw her ass in the dungeon, then she's NOPONY'S problem!

Then, she ran into Fluttershy. While pretending it was a rather extreme massage to relieve a bear's shoulder tension, it was in fact, Harry, who had come by to find out why she and Rainbow Dash hadn't arrived to house sit for him a few weeks ago. So she gave him the smackdown he deserved, because apparently he didn't hear the part about payments up front for the house sitting service. No money, no house sitting, so it wasn't their fault his place was broken into.

We had all planned a picnic for the middle of the day, so Twilight would have even more on her schedule, and even less time to find a lesson on friendship. Turns out, she's really good at wasting time even with a get-together planned. Spike told us she spent a good hour on a park bench muttering something along the lines of “my precious” or some shit.

Now came the picnic. We were all looking forward to this, as we wanted to see how our efforts had paid off thus far. To be honest, we could barely contain our glee. It was considerably difficult to keep our act together. She came to us all freaked out and anxious, and we acted all concerned up to the point where she mentioned the letter, then we just blew it off, saying she was overreacting.

By the way, did you know what was going on? Because that was a simply AWESOME troll you did with the sun. Making it tick like a clock, priceless! Spike tells us that by that point, Twilight was really beginning to lose it, as in if she can't find a friendship problem, she'd make a friendship problem. No, really? Like she hasn't been making friendship problems for the past year? She went into the meadows by the schoolhouse, and starting pestering Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, trying to get them to play with her doll. When they saw that it was just a raggedy piece of shit, they tried to get her to go away or shove it onto each other. Then Twilight had to bring magic into the picture.

Ah yes, the 'Want It Need It' spell. This truly perplexes us. Did you know how sexually frustrated she's been ever since she got here? Why the fuck wouldn't she just use the Want It Need It Spell on herself, and then just watch as she got violated by every mare and stallion in town? But no. Instead, she saves it for now, and conveniently forgot how to turn the spell off when it came time to lecture the fillies. So it slowly spread, and pretty soon the whole fucking town is fighting over this doll. Twilight manages to keep our eyes off of it long enough for the sun to go down and for you to show up and negate the spell.

By the way, Big Mac has some issues he should probably address. Seriously, that's fucked up.

So we all wanted to be there in the library for when she was sent back to kindergarten, and then you hit us with the most unexpected twist ever; not only are you going to make HER continue to write letters, but now you want US to as well?

You know Princess, we really, REALLY fucking hate to admit it, but Twilight has a point. You are a troll. I mean here we were, about to get Twilight out of town, and then you make us do the same useless thing she's been doing. Do you know what that means? There are six of us in this sorry little group. Which means there is a 16.6% chance that we'd have to write a letter about her. Kinda...kinda like we did just now. Heh, who knew?

But at least you said to report the findings on the magic of friendship only when we discover them. So I think we can all agree that it may be awhile before you get another letter from any of us. Because, face it, as long as Twilight's here, it's only going to continue going downhill.

Your faithful subjects,
Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Flutershy, Rainbow Dash, and Spike

Luna Eclipsed

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Luna Eclipsed

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hey, here's a question for you, Princess. Do you have any fucking clue how to be a good sister? From what I experienced tonight, I'd say Applejack and Rarity are better sisters than you, and believe me, that's saying A LOT.

So Nightmare Night has rolled around again, and unfortunately, Spike talked me out of giving out Slim Jims, so I'm just handing out regular candy. I also found it interesting that Granny Smith was watching over three fillies, yet none of them was her grandchild. My costume this year is Star Swirl the Bearded, the unicorn I'm not afraid to admit puts my fine ass to shame. Of course, none of these simpletons knew who he was. Kinda pissed me off, because these rows were hoof-stitched. Yeah, that's right didn't even use my magic to sew, and...I'm not really sure why.

So we all gathered around the stage so our clown of a mayor could introduce our resident zegro, who took us out to the Nightmare Moon statue. For a few moments, I began to wonder if it was the real Nightmare Moon, since, you know, you love turning villains into stone then putting them on display. We were in the middle of giving our sacrifice to the statue when a chariot descends from the night sky, with none other than the Princess of the Night. So of course they run in fright.

The rest of the night was a demonstration of how little to nothing you've done to bring your sister up to speed.

First and foremost, I can't believe you didn't tell her that you stopped using the Thu'um like 900 years ago. Because it turns out, ponies don't like being screamed at. Which one was she using, Storm Call? Because lightning began flashing whenever she opened her damn mouth.

Secondly, whenever she wasn't shouting, her dialogue was in this old time English. I mean, seriously, what the hell have you been doing for the past year? Snickering behind her back, going “Oh it's gonna be so hilarious when she goes out in public again.”

Apparently, “fun” was only invented 998 years ago, because Luna didn't have a clue what it was. To be honest, it wasn't too fun for me either. What's so fun about throwing fake spiders onto a web and launching pumpkins that aren't aimed at any other ponies or buildings? Come on.

But Luna knew how to spice things up. She turned the plush spiders into real spiders, and caused the whole town to go into a panic. Now THIS was Nightmare Night. I'm also curious as to why Pinkie was leading the fillies around making them think that Luna was a carnivore. So basically it was a carnivore making fillies afraid of somepony who really isn't a carnivore. This place never ceases to amaze me. Especially because the fillies run around town WANTING to be scared all night. Oh well. Small price to pay for free candy. Luna's much more fun and enjoyable than you.

Your ungrateful whelp,
Twilight Sparkle

Sisterhooves Social

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sisterhooves Social

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I thought I'd surprise Rarity with breakfast in bed and a visit from her parents. (And apparently it's my fault for ruining the surprise for believing the house was on fire. Then she seemed offended that I wouldn't let her help because she nearly burned the house down the first time.) Our mom and dad were going on vacation, so they were dropping me off at Rarity's for a week. We were both preoccupied with squeezing activities into our schedule that we didn't notice the carriage mom and dad left in crash and burn.

So I tried to help out around the house (she should really learn to HELP, and not fuck everything up) but Rarity just seemed to not be satisfied with anything I did. I mean, she wants me to clean up the kitchen, but DOESN'T want me to clean her inspiration room, calling the mess “organized chaos” (yeah, so it was kinda cool when Discord ruled for a few days. I mean, come on, he made me horny for a rock, so I like to remind myself of that chaos. How else do you suggest I do that? Collect seven different colored gems?).

So after all these mishaps, Rarity sent me outside for a few hours, (actually, I kicked her out and told her to find somewhere else to live.) Applebloom showed me a flyer that she was littering around town for the Sisterhooves Social, and thought it would be a great idea for Rarity and me to participate. I came back (after I told her not to) and showed her, and she shot me down. So I told her to fuck off and I went back to Sweet Apple Acres to help them with chores and get ready for tomorrow's festivities.

While I was there, I realized Applebloom was quite excellent at belching. While I watched Applejack and her do the farm chores, I'm sure Rarity was busy making outfits for Ponyville's whores. (Actually, that's correct. I was making five separate outfits, each one a separate color. Some of my clients were having an orgy with Rainbow Dash, and that's what she requested.) It was quite a fun day with some ponies that were more rustic. (When I realized that I didn't have someone to fetch things for me, I decided to go get Sweetie Belle back. Besides, if Twilight has a helper, I deserve one too. By the way, sorry about swearing in your name about never being sisterless again. After all, I know you're not the best person to swear sister issues to. Seeing as you were...um, sisterless for a millenium. But when I got to their campfire, Sweetie Belle had disowned me.)

(So because I wasn't going to be replaced with a bunch of ruffians, I needed to get dirty and reduce myself to their simple ways for just a day.) So the next day, I was ready to watch the race, when Applejack and Applebloom decided to let me have AJ as my sister for a day. For only 2000 bits, too! What a deal! (Applejack and I had secretly decided to collaborate to get Sweetie Belle out of her hair and back into my boutique. I was kinda surprised Sweetie Belle didn't notice the difference, because, you know, our eyes take up 60% of our face.) I was amazed we got away with cheating with the egg. Instead of carrying one each, we balanced one between the two. But we jumped too early, so we didn't win. But then I realized why. I was racing with Rarity. So of course half of my team sucked.

Your loyal subjects,
Sweetie Belle (and Rarity)

P.S. We were pretty caught up in the heat of the race, but now that we think of it, Granny Smith should really get that eye looked at.

The Cutie Pox

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Cutie Pox

Dear Princess Celestia,

Would anyone care to tell me why Ponyville has a bowling alley? While we're on the subject, who the flying fuck invented this sport? Shove a ball down a lane and try to hit as many pins as you can. I guess that would seem sort of entertaining to unicorns, except not a single one used their magic!

Sweetie Belle, following the tradition of every degenerate unicorn in the building, tried using her head to bowl in the wrong way. Are we sure Scootaloo isn't pretending to be a Pegasus, and is in fact an earth pony? She kicked that ball so fucking hard it ricocheted off of three surfaces before going all the way across to the other side of the alley. I haven't even seen Applejack buck anything that hard. Last but not least, Apple Bloom tried using her mouth to bowl. Yeah. Well, if she can do that, she won't get a bowling cutie mark, but I know a great way she can make some extra bits on the side. Hint hint.

Oh yeah, you read that right, a few ponies in this town have bowling cutie marks. Well, guess what you get to do for the rest of your days! Have a nice life, you poor bastards. After Apple Bloom witnessed another pony get chained to this hobby for life, she gets all depressed after just one turn. Yeah, you don't have to practice or anything, you stupid cunt, you were just supposed to be instantly good at it.

You know, that just cracks me the fuck up. After all the stupid, brainless, and sometimes, downright dangerous things they've done, NOW she gets depressed. And nothing cheered her up, either. Not a cupcake, not a party, not even one of Rarity's giant hats. You'd think that just maybe, she'd look inwards, and discover that she has to focus on what she's already good at. But no, she wanders off into the Everfree Forest, trips over a root, and runs into our resident zigger.

For the record, I blame that witch for everything that happened today. She took Apple Bloom back to her hut to fix her chipped tooth. Again, mistake #1: Taking Apple Bloom to a hut filled with potion ingredients. It's a good thing that she doesn't share her tooth-healing potions, or make a business out of it. She'd ruin every dentist in town. Colgate would have a hayday. So after that, does she kick Apple Bloom out and send her on her way? No. Mistake #2: Letting Apple Bloom stay in the hut. So after taking a look around, Apple Bloom thinks Zecora can make a potion to give her a cutie mark. Now, at this point, if I were Zecora, I'd have seen the disaster coming from a mile away. But no, she runs out to get a missing ingredient. Again, mistake #3: LEAVING Apple Bloom ALONE in what is essentially an ALCHEMIST HUT.

Apple Bloom shows up for school with a cutie mark! After wowing the class with her amazing hip rotary skills, another cutie mark appears. Instead of listening to Diamond Tiara and calling bullshit, Cheerilee gives the class to Apple Bloom, and she leads them on a parade through town, performing all sorts of circus freak tricks. Well, at least I discovered something new about Fax Machine. It doesn't have to BE Rarity to give him a hard on, it just has to LOOK LIKE Rarity.

I'm not sure what happened next, but early the next morning, Applejack comes to the library with Apple Bloom, who is now sporting three cutie marks. Doing a little searching around medical journals, I discovered a great way to give someone the trots. This is gonna be an entertaining weekend. Oh, and I also discovered Apple Bloom has an ancient disease with no treatment. Coincidentally, the Cutie Mark Cunt is in a conundrum with no cure and I don't care. Say THAT three times fast, you fucking dragon.

More and more cutie marks appear at an increasing rate. Pretty soon she starts speaking in Fancy. Better than her sister always speaking in Git R Done, if you ask me. Knowing that only a black-magic practicing freak could help out, we went to get Zecora, who just happened to be coming into town, when I explicitly told her to stay out. What the fuck, can she not listen? She told us about the missing Heart's Desire, and brought a plant that would only grow when somepony tells the truth. So let's see, as the Element of Honesty, Applejack can't tell the truth herself, so instead yells at the town to get someone else to do it. Pinkie can't admit the true scale of her binging and purging, so finally Apple Bloom admits to poisoning herself into a mega-talented state. The admittance causes the flower to grow, and upon her eating it, her marks disappeared. Personally, I would've liked to see what would've happened if it kept getting worse.

After ALL of this bullshit, she learns her lesson. For about ten fucking seconds. Then the three of them go chasing after Zecora to become potion makers. While I would like to see if they inadvertently create a meth lab, I've got better things to do.

Like styling my hair with a loopty-hoop and making Fax Machine my sex slave.

Your about-to-be-satisfied former student,
Twilight Sparkle

May The Best Pet Win

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

May The Best Pet Win

Dear Princess Celestia,

Oh, would you look at that. Rainbow Dash has apparently figured out that no one likes her, so now she wants a pet to give her unconditional love. Maybe if she stopped being such a cunt and started working on her shitty personality, she could actually make some real friends. But no, she's taking the easy way out and getting a pet. What's worse is she's getting a pet for companionship. Fuck that. I mean, I have an owl to fetch things for me when Fax Machine is being a dick. Fluttershy always has a bunny nearby for emergency Friendship Fires. Applejack has a dog to piss on the cherished belongings of those that make her owner angry. Rarity's cat probably has the best personality out of the bunch, and when Pinkie Pie's alligator grows it's teeth, nopony is gonna screw with her anymore.

So Fluttershy takes Rainbow to her concentration camp, and shows her the best slaves she can get. After breaking into song, and getting the idea for a competition to see which would have the honor of serving this bitch of a Pegasus, Fluttershy took the opportunity to make fun of Rainbow yet again, and entered a turtle into the competition......well I'm gonna call it a fucking TURTLE, Fluttershy. Shut your whore mouth. By the way, don't write that, Fax Machine.

Deciding to humor Fluttershy and letting the turtle into the competition, the contests start, and the various pets demonstrate how well they can worship the ground she walks on. I can't understand why she even made the flamingo a finalist. Maybe because it was hot pink and fabulous and obviously gay like she is. After contests of bitchyness, hipster, and lesbianness, it was time for a death race through Ghastly Gorge. Either she'd figured that the most worthy pet would survive, or she'd grown tired of this idea and was hoping that they'd all die in the race. Well, turns out, if you fly distracted, shit is going to happen. Rainbow got a wing caught in an avalanche, and about four hours later, the turtle comes and saves the day. And it was only about halfway through the race. So we were waiting for four more hours at the finish line, kinda hoping that Rainbow had died somewhere in the gorge. It turns out, we aren't that lucky.

So whoopdy-fuckin'-doo, she decides to keep the turtle – SHUT UP FLUTTERSHY! - names it Tank and straps a helicopter blade to it's shell. You know what you have there? You don't have something cool, you have a fucking TURTLE with a helicopter blade on it! If I were her I'd just train it to retract into it's shell and then toss it at ponies I don't like. I heard if you paint it red it'll home in on the closest pony, and if you paint it blue and put spikes on it, it'll automatically home in on the pony that is succeeding the most in life. Now that's a weapon.

By the way, what the fuck is a 'tank' anyway?

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.- FINE! You want to know why I'm bitchier than usual? I forced Spike to rail me for an HOUR last night, and I still couldn't get off! What the fuck??? He's a baby dragon, that's why his fucking dick is so small!

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that it's not okay to have your fifteen minutes of fame. If you enjoy said fifteen minutes of fame, you'll only get six minutes, and your friends will steal the rest.

It also goes to show that if my ego gets too big, my friends won't pull me aside and talk to me directly; instead opting to one-up my feats of heroism. Jerks.

One last lesson; Scootaloo is really fucking shallow. I mean, seriously, the organizer of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club is so smitten with this mysterious heroine that she completely forgets about the pony she idolizes the most.

Anyway, I think I'm done with this hero business. It'll be interesting to see how many ponies die in freak accidents now.

Your super-ultra-extreme-awesomazing subject,
Rainbow Dash

P.S.- Pfft. Right. Like she would've listened to us if we took her aside and suggested she be more modest. We're not idiots. -Twilight

P.P.S- Did Rainbow kiss me for that photo? I knew she was gay! -AJ

Sweet and Elite

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sweet and Elite

Dear Princess Celestia,

Breaking news! Rarity cares more about social status than friends! I mean, that completely and utterly shocks me! She's actually showing signs of a true and proper unicorn! She's beginning to care more about her self image more than spending time with her simple Ponyville friends! So I thought I'd try to really make her get a taste of social superiority and I sent her up to Canterlot. You're still renting out your private tower, right? The one with the retarded unicorn bellhop who doesn't use his magic to carry luggage? At least I hope Rarity doesn't accidentally discover your foot fetish.

Anyways, I have a birthday coming up, and Rarity told me she'd make me a dress when she was away. This was brilliant. She would be making something that could potentially make me more sexy, and at the same time, she'd have a day or two away from this hellhole. So I told her to make it as slutty as possible. Because I need a stallion, not some lame-ass baby dragon who can't seem to do anything right, not even get their mistress off.

So a couple days later, I get a letter from Rarity informing me that her cat is sick and that she wouldn't be able to come back in time for my party. What, so because her cat is sick, she can't make the 2-hour train ride back to Ponyville? Bullshit, she didn't finish my dress, that's what it's got to be. I told Pinkie of the change in plans, and we moved the party up to Canterlot. Upon our arrival, Rarity fainted. When she came to, Fluttershy immediately took care of her wet pussy, while I confirmed that Rarity had made me a quite simple dress. Simple. Practical. Something that definitely says “fuck me please.” Oh, and Pinkie demonstrated that she had another use for balloons other than smuggling drugs.

Moving down to the ballroom, Pinkie busts out her Party Cannon and starts spraying confetti and shit everywhere. Never before have I seen Rarity disappear so frequently. Rainbow Dash started a food fight with my birthday cake, so we all proceeded to gang up on her and lick the cake off her body. Totally hot.

When Rarity came back with a croquet mallet, we were all a little confused. It didn't take us too long to figured out that she was also attending the garden party right outside. I must admit, that is very unicorn of her. I wouldn't expect her to put a friend's birthday above social status. But seeing as how I've been living in Ponyville for over a year now, we did what Ponyville rednecks do best: crash it.

I especially love how all the garden animals that were scared to death of Fluttershy a few months ago are now flocking to her. But what really pisses me off is these high-rolling ponies didn't have a clue who any of us were. Yeah, we're just the ponies that FUCKING SAVED EQUESTRIA TWICE!

And last of all, I couldn't help but notice that Fancy Pants, in fact, wears no pants.

Your sexy former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Secret of My Excess

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Secret of My Excess

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, today is Fax Machine's birthday. He really hasn't gotten any bigger, or any better at his job, but, I guess a party or something will help with his self esteem. I know my friends are way better than I am at giving two shits about other ponies' feelings, so I'll invite them over. I just can't believe he got a kiss from Rarity because of some stupid gem. Do you know how long I've been trying to get a kiss from Rarity?

Well, the next day, the party decorations had been set up, and the other party guests had arrived. Spike seemed surprised that the others brought him presents, and reflected on that he always only got one present from me every year; a book. Yeah, that's right. This year it's 100 Tips To Improve Sexual Performance. Yeah, and Fax Machine, I don't care how you feel about it, because quite frankly, I don't like you. Consider asking the others on how to be more competent with the chores I give you and I won't have a reason to hate you. I still won't like you, unless you start being likeable. And fuckable.

So when the Cakes made him a special cupcake for his birthday, he went and ate it. Then Cheerilee gave him a hat. And I am now convinced that hats make him evil. Remember what he did to Opal's toy mouse when he put that top hat on? Yeah. Except now, he's not making a poorly thought-out murder scene, he's just going to go on a greed spree. After I told him to go give it back, he went and got even more things. By the next morning, he had grown substantially. I took him to the doctor and got the following diagnosis: apparently, he's a dragon. Well no shit, and I'm a super sexy, ultra horny unicorn who can't get off, what's your point?

So that gave me an idea. If I can make Fax Machine grow enough, his girth might be enough to finally satisfy me. So he immediately proceeds to raid Zecora's hut, tried to rob a child of a prized possession, and then hoarded half the books in my library. I thought that might be enough, so I followed him to Sweet Apple Acres and tied myself to a tree in hopes of getting raped. Even Applejack tried to get in on the fun. But he just passed us by. Even Rainbow didn't want a piece of this ass. What the hell? So it was time to up the ante. I raced to Sugarcube Corner to cover myself in whipped cream, but he had beaten us there too, and Pinkie was throwing cake at him. I don't understand why she didn't use any of Apple Bloom's cupcakes; those things could cause some serious damage.

He grew to enormous size and took the roof off of the building. So now that my sexcapade is now responsible for a rampaging dragon, I was drawing a blank on what to do next. I got pretty annoyed when Spike captured Rarity and began to take her up to the mountain top to violate her. Maybe he'd be open to a threesome...wait...no wait...no don't look at Rarity, don't let go of your greed ahhhhh FUCK! Now he's back to his scrawny baby self. Damn. Damn it all to hell. I'm never going to get any. I don't even understand why Rainbow and Fluttershy bothered to save them.

But Fax Machine was just as unlucky. He didn't get any either. We both have to work on our sex lives. We have got to learn to get off one way or another. Otherwise, before you know it, we'll be sitting in the basement of the library, unable to satisfy anyone, pre-reading fanfiction for a blog about cartoon mythological creatures.

Your aggravated student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. By the way, we need another water tower.

Hearth's Warming Eve

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hearth's Warming Eve

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, it's that time of year again. The Hearth's Warming Eve pageant. The grand old tale of how this nation of ours was founded. And what's more, you want me and my friends to play the lead parts. Of how three separate nations came together in a time of crisis and we all benefited as a result.

You know what, I'm gonna level with you, your highness. You may be a pain in my ass, and one of the best trolls Equestria has ever seen, but I've gotta say, compared to what it could be like, us Equestrians have got it pretty damn good.

I was browsing through some books in the library, and wouldn't you know, there were some civilizations in eons past who had these systems called 'democracies'. Needless to say, these were some of the most disturbing books I have ever read.

Now bear with me, not all of the book was frightening. The section on direct democracy, where ponies who got up off their asses actually had say in what their government did, wasn't too bad. It could actually work. No, the section that chilled me to the core was representative democracy. Yeah, an elected pony to represent a group of ponies. By Your mane, do you have any idea the number of ways that could be a disaster? There were several documented events where disaster did occur. As per the way representative democracy worked, each region of a nation elected an official political pony to represent them in the nations capitol, along with all the other representatives. Get this, some of them kept voting to give themselves raises on their already exorbitant salaries. Did the ponies they represent do anything? Oh, hell no. They were too busy in their day to day lives to give a fuck what their government was doing. They were pretty content to just bitch and moan, and not actually do anything about it. Another thing that bothered me was how in most cases, there were just two major parties. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Of all the problems nations face, you just want two candidates? Two plans of action? So when an opposite party gets power, you just waste your fucking time undoing what the other party did? How about no? Independent third parties never stood a chance because the fucking stupid-ass populace just kept staring at the two major parties like the idiots they were. But the one thing that absolutely disgusted me the most, was one particular democracy from eons ago. I don't believe this society was ponies, but I couldn't find any record of what species made it up. But get this; every four years, this nation would hold a general election to decide their most politically powerful leader. Seems simple enough, right? The popular vote decides the leader? Not quite. It turns out there was a system in place known as the Electoral College, which decided the outcome, not the popular vote. I crunched some numbers, and figured that it was very possible for a leader to be elected through the College, but not have the majority of the popular vote.

Needless to say, there wasn't a doubt in my mind as to why this species no longer exists. I would not be able to gather enough pity for the fucking degenerates that allowed their country to be run that way.

So while you're still a cunt, I feel that we're lucky to have you calling the shots. No pointless arguing among politicians. No voting. No electoral bullshit. It's your authority, and if anyone disagrees, they'll have an absolutely amazing lunar lifestyle.

I still have a sense of pride for our ancestors that formed this great nation. As they were in that cave, the winds howling outside, they weren't arguing, bickering, or pointlessly debating whether or not the ice forming around their bodies was due to climate change. No, they decided to accept their fate and fucking love each other. And because of that, we are here today, prospering.

Because unlike those pointless politics, we can think outside the chimney.

Your proud nationalist former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Family Appreciation Day

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Family Appreciation Day

Dear Princess Celestia,

Why can't all old ponies be like you? I mean, you're more than one thousand years old, and you still look perfectly fine. Every old pony I know is wrinkly and smelly. And they keep on trying to tell me that you are the one true God, and Luna is just a false prophet. But to tell you the truth, I think both of you are pretenders. I think the sun and moon actually raise and set by themselves and you two are a bunch of power horders.

I'm not even that old yet, and I can tell how everypony pretty much sucks. Kids are cruel, teens are assholes, and adults walk around like they're always right and kids are always wrong. Screw that.

So we just had Family Appreciation Day, and because my teacher is the most sensitive, empathetic pony I know, she chose me to bring family in. Me, when I'm pretty sure my mom and dad are dead. And even after I explained that this week is the Zap Apple harvest, she decides to find reason in Diamond Tiara of all places, and tells me to bring in the granny who 'wouldn't remember her mane if it wasn't attached to her head.' Great. Why? Grannies aren't for Family Appreciation Days. Grannies are for pwning noobs. Besides, there's a Family Appreciation Day every week, and there are only like 8 in our class. So basically, every two months is gonna be the same thing. Sure, they could bring in different family members, but once you've met one, you've met them all, I'd say.

Then, I decided to get help from the only two ponies who consider me worthy enough to associate with. Too bad that they're just as dim as I am. They thought that painting my face a sickly green would make Granny think I'm sick, or that Cheerilee somehow wouldn't see the ropes when we played puppet with her when she was napping.

So I finally came up with a believable plan that actually, ALMOST worked. I sent her off to visit Uncle Apple Strudel, and was almost home free when Granny Smith walked in with Uncle Apple Strudel. So I must have accidentally put her on Doctor Emmet Brown's train. Whoops.

But it turns out, that my Granny Smith was responsible for founding all of Ponyville. Even Silver Spoon decided to show some respect. So then I decided to shove it in Diamond Tiara's face, that if Granny hadn't made the Zap Apple Jam, that her dad never would've struck it big, and she'd probably be on the street corner for money.

You know, if there's anyone out there that actually wants to fuck a sassy stuck-up bitch.

Your faithful laborer,
Apple Bloom

Baby Cakes

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Baby Cakes

Dear Princess Celestia,

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Hold the quill. Princess, would you please get me the number of the Equestrian Child Protective Services? I don't believe Carrot Cake and Cup Cake are fit to be parents.

I mean, sure, I was too busy doing my summary report to you to babysit, but if I had any idea that they would resort to Pinkie, than I would have dropped everything. Again, they want PINKIE to BABYSIT. I think it'd be safer to leave them alone in a bath with a dozen toasters on the rim.

By the way, I completely loved how he explained the wings and horn away. His great great great great great grandfather was a unicorn? Great aunt second cousin twice removed was a Pegasus? I've got a much more likely scenario, bakery boy: you haven't been satisfying your wife, so she's been sleeping around.

Anyway, when I showed up to see who they found to cover for them, I found Pinkie, indulging in her adult baby fetish instead of taking care of the babies like she should be. After doing some quick organizing and checking the bottles for LSD, I found myself kicked to the curb because Pinkie wanted to prove she was responsible. Well, I tried. My conscience would be clear if Pinkie accidentally committed double infanticide.

Or she'll keep them alive and help raise twin drug addicts. I hear she has stashes of cocaine disguised as bags of flour all over that bakery. I mean, their chances of survival are admittedly pretty decent if they survived her stand-up comedy routine. And if she did that Oink Oink song...oh stars...I wouldn't wish that on my enemies. Might wish it on you, though.

Oh, and if Scootaloo ever saw those shenanigans, I'm pretty sure she would cut her wings off. A month-old Pegasus can not only fly, but drag Pinkie around the house like she's nothing. Even the unicorn used a levitation spell to fly herself. See? Master race, baby.

But I digress. Pinkie finally got the foals under control when they covered themselves in some of her coke. That put them into a coma, and she began cleaning. Buying the ruse, Mr. and Mrs. Cake offered her the position of go-to babysitter.

Hey, it's their babies' funerals.

Your totally drug-free former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am never having sex. Ever.

Your loyal subject,
Pinkie Diane Pie

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Dear Princess Celestia,

You would think that since my family has run this farm successfully for three generations, that we would be fairly savvy business ponies. Our two busiest times of the year are when we sell Zap Apple Jam and our famous Apple Family Cider. Ponies line up for miles the night before every time. Seriously, we've sold this cider for years, and yet Rainbow Dash gets all butthurt when she doesn't realize what overnight camping means yet.

So, anyway, back to our flawless business practices. Like, supply and demand! With lines that long, you'd think we'd put a limit on how many each pony can buy until everypony's been served. Nope, because that's for sophisticated ponies. We'd rather let Pinkie buy more than she can carry, and then piss off the hundreds of ponies waiting in line when we run out. Yeah, that sounds like a good move to make.

Then let's talk about competition. Competition in business just means better things for the consumer. There are proper ways to go about competing with another business. But screw proper ways, we're the Apples! We're gonna let competition come and park right in front of us. Oh, and we're gonna let them run their demonstration with OUR apples. What could go wrong?

Their machine is certainly impressive. I even managed to get Rainbow Dash to eat dirt! Heh, imagine what she could do if I poured cider all over my body. Ooh...

But, uh, anyway, since we're the savy-est of business ponies and all, we bet the farm on who could make the most cider. No, I mean we literally bet the farm. I mean, why wouldn't a sexy southerner, an old bag, the model for Brony Paper Towels, and a filly who wants to grow up to be the President be able to beat a highly-sophisticated machine that we honestly should take our profits and invest in?

We probably would've been fucked if Flim and Flam weren't equally as bad at running a business as we were. They were in the lead by a mighty amount, and allowed us to double our team with 'honorary family members.' Because of our increased pace, they had to cut back on the quality control. Ya know, kinda like those fast food restaurants do in Manehattan. But their stupidity didn't end there. When nopony wanted to buy any of their cider, did they cut their losses and wait til next year with some of the most fertile ground in the region? Nope. They took their machine and left. So I guess the whole point I'm trying to make is...

We got lucky, and fuck you and your friendship lessons.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a cider bath and invite Rainbow Dash over.

Your sultry southern subject,
Applejack

Read It and Weep

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Read It and Weep

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am now pretty convinced that Rarity is out to get me. Ever since I didn't stop the carriage in Dodge Junction to pick her up. I mean, she could have ducked when Pinkie took a backwards jump off of Applejack's stage coach. So totally not my fault. I knew that drink she bought me before my routine demonstration tasted funny. Although, I suppose it could've been a lot worse. She could have given me a drugged cupcake and fileted me piece by piece all for the intention of baking my internal organs into desserts.

So when I crashed I woke up in the hospital. I can't believe AJ said the chow is hoof-lickin' good. Yeah, as in I'd rather eat my own feet than the garbage they wheel around on those trays. So to help me with going out of my mind, Twilight gets me a book. A BOOK. Everyone knows words and numbers are strictly forbidden.

Anyway, as I slowly went insane with boredom, I tried to explain to my completely disabled roommate why I watch a cartoon for little fillies; basically to get to the other side of the street...because, you know, then we could be on the other side of the street together...because that make sense, right? Yeah, then I told him how I made a Sonic Rainboom and caused mass puberty.

But that didn't cure my boredom for long, so I began reading this book Twilight brought me. Didn't get too far before Fluttershy and her came in with a board game. Instead of admitting I was reading and apologizing to Twilight for the egghead comment, I kept the charade of being tired and kept visits short. As I was purposefully losing, I had an out-of-body experience, where I was part of the most ingenious product placement of all time. My Little Pony playing Battleship while recovering from Operation.

So I unknowingly read all through the night, so the next morning they pushed a sleep-deprived crash victim out to the curb. With how fast they rushed me out of the hospital, you'd think Equestria has universal healthcare. Upon realizing that I had left the book in the room, I decided once again to forgo apologizing to Twilight, and instead attempt breaking and entering. It turns out they only thought I was stealing slippers, and that is like the hospital's most precious resource with how they gave chase.

Finally admitting to Twilight that I had enjoyed reading, I got the entire collection from her and went back up home. Score!

Your slightly better educated weather pony,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

Holy crap, you're not gonna believe this. I actually managed to get Rainbow hooked on a book series for first graders! I didn't even know she could read! Once I can get her reading level up high enough, I can introduce her to a book called The Kama Sutra.

But yeah, I wouldn't want to be her when the hospital bill comes. I mean, with how many dangerous tricks she's attempted, I bet she can't even get insurance.

Your perfectly healthy former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Hearts and Hooves Day

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hearts and Hooves Day

Dear Princess Celestia,

It has come to my attention that the three fillies Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, also known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, have a serious problem. They think they can take any two ponies they want and make them fall in love.

HOW SICK IS THAT?

I mean, let's say Rainbow got hurt and was unable to fly. I bet those three would see fit to shack her up with Applejack at her farm, and watch as they fall in love. I mean damn, what kind of sick freak would do that?

The three stooges took my book that had the recipe for a love potion and then gave it to Ms. Cheerilee and Big Macintosh. The main problem with the love potion is that they really don't do anything except stare into each other's eyes. That's not hot, that's not sexy or erotic. If you truly loved each other, you wouldn't just stare at each other – you'd rail each other over and over again. Why do you think I've never used it?

The point is, you just can't stick two ponies together and make them fall in love, and whoever does that as a hobby has no life at all, whatsoever. I mean, what would they do with you? Turn you into a tyrannical sexual deviant who preys upon Equestria's entire population? Actually, never mind. I can't see them going that far.

And what do they get out of it? Is there some sweet satisfaction in knowing a pony's personality and character so well that you know exactly who their very special somepony is? Do they clop, knowing that their actions lead to erotic lovemaking? As a matter of fact, I think that's why they do it; for the sex. That's equally puzzling, because I think they're a tad too young to be learning about that yet.

But I think I'm going to start going after Big Mac. I mean...wow...he can pull an entire house while hopping merrily. Just imagine how it'll feel when he mounts me...oh yeah.

I just have to get Cheerilee out of the picture. Damn tramp.

Your sexually-fantasizing former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Friend In Deed

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Friend In Deed

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, so Pinkie's friend-making system is as follows:

Meet somepony new.
Introduce myself.
Sing random song out of nowhere.
Become instant best friends.

Where the hell was that system when I came to town???

Meet somepony new.
Shriek in midair and take off.
Throw a random party out of nowhere.
Laugh at scary-looking trees and sing random song.

It was hilarious how she pointed out Cranky's bald head in front of the entire town square. I think I have to teach her some lessons in subtlety before she tries to help me with my problems and goes “This pony is REALLY really horny!”

On second thought, if it gets me laid, she can do whatever the fuck she wants.

Another thing. She tripped, and as a result, his scrapbook caught on fire? Again, Pinkie tripped? The pony who has the most blatant disregard for simple physics TRIPPED??? I don't believe that for a second.

So it turns out the lost love he was looking for for years was here in Ponyville all along. So in all the places in Equestria he looked, he didn't look in the center. Go figure. So Pinkie Pie hooked them back up, upon which Cranky accepted her apology and friendship, which gave her the most mind-blowing orgasm ever. They then dismissed her for “spending some time together”.

AKA, sex. I'm off now to see if they'd be interested in a threesome.

Your face-booking former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

It's just so awesome when someone accepts your apology! Especially when you're really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really sorry!

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Putting Your Hoof Down

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Putting Your Hoof Down

Dear Princess Celestia,

So...um...where to start? I guess the best place to start is to admit that I've been letting my life be run by a rabbit. You see, Angel wanted me to make this extravagant salad for him, and apparently he can slap a bitch really good, so I went shopping for ingredients.

I just don't understand why everypony flocks to this marketplace. Wouldn't everything you need for a set price a month be infinitely better than these lousy microtransactions? To be perfectly honest, the stats on these tomatoes are pretty pathetic. Rarity managed to convince a nerd that she was a girl, and she traded her his asparagus. But the best gear, the cherry, was really in demand. I couldn't grind dungeons that long, so I couldn't afford it for Angel's salad, and he threw me out again. I didn't want to be in that guild anyway. If he wanted a cheery that badly he could have just popped my cherry.

So I went to assertiveness training. Thinking back, I'm not sure why I needed assertiveness training. I made a dragon cry and terrorized an entire garden of animals. But since I'm at the beck and call of the most adorable bunny in Equestria, I went to Iron Will for a change in attitude. The next day, I found the gardener soaking my flowers, so I put my hoof on his hose until it spurted all over him.

So I go into Ponyville, and find my path blocked. So...yeah, we should probably get somepony to clean up the pile of garbage now blocking the bridge into town. My bad. I guess I should also apologize to the taxi company for making one of their drivers wet himself. Sorry, but Luna gives really great Thu'um lessons.

So after giving my mailman a good spanking, a tourist makes me drop my mail into a puddle, so I whipped him around and tossed him into a bale of hay. I'm just glad there weren't any spiked bombs floating anywhere nearby.

Rarity and Pinkie come and try to criticize my new attitude, so I really let them have it. They ran away crying. I guess I could have been a little nicer about it, but with the way they reacted, I probably should have sent them away with Butthurt Report Forms to fill out.

So all in all, I guess I shouldn't have listened to the horniest creature to come to Ponyville since Twilight. I just have to tell Angel to eat whatever I give him to eat or I'll be giving Elmer Fudd a call.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Your pet rabbit is a dick.

Do you know what a bunny fire is?

-Twilight

It's About Time

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

It's About Time

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, first off...you love this new hairstyle? Are you kidding me? Let's see you with it. Hey Spike, royal smartass at 11 o'clock, singe away!

Second, I need a few more lessons in not creating time paradoxes. If I had known that the spell in the Canterlot Archives would send me back in time, and freak out my past self, then why did I do it? Because if I didn't do it, that her freaking out never would've happened, and then this timeline wouldn't have existed? But if I never would've done...ugh, fuck it. I'm not doing this.

Also, “You're not scientifically possible”? I can't believe I said that. Yeah, time travel isn't scientifically possible; in a world where the sun and moon are LIFTED from the ground by magical alicorns, and friendship can be used as a weapon.

Well, at least I know my late night pacing interrupts Spike's cream dreams, so I guess I'll keep those up, until he starts having them about me instead of Rarity.

Well, that's all for now. I have to go tell Pinkie to stop stashing shit in my fireplace.

Your former time lord,
Twilight Sparkle

Dragon Quest

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dragon Quest

Dear Princess Celestia,

So today, we decided to have the least worthy of us, Applejack and Pinkie Pie, dig a trench so we can watch as dragons migrate to the continent of Tamriel. I hear they're scheduled to cause some havoc in Skyrim. Apparently all of them owe this Alduin guy some money, so they all agreed to do this invasion thing for him.

Meanwhile, I was being entertained, watching Rainbow try to force Fluttershy out of her home. She figured with how loud she was yelling back at the Gala, as well as after her lessons with Iron Will, her Thu'um must be pretty decent unless we needed protection. But speaking of those assertiveness lessons, they must have been pretty good, because she proceeded to knock Rainbow flat on her back, stomp on her chest, and then proceeds to gingerly slip out the back window...and she even got out of paying Iron Will. That clever bitch!

So there we all are in the sub-par trench, along with that ever-flamboyant whore Rarity, when Spike starts handing out snacks and refreshments and draws comparisons to himself when we all start commenting in awe over the dragons. I warned Spike not to compliment himself, because all that is is a cue for us to start making fun of how fabulously gay he is compared to these fearsome dragons. We made him all embarrassed and blush and he stomped off. He went back to the library to try and find some books on improving self-esteem, but having predicted such a move, I had removed all the self-help books from the library several months ago, and made him go through all the shelves to prove it. It made him so upset that he cried well into the night. What a pathetic excuse for a gay maid.

So the next day, he starts packing to go off to find the dragons. While I tried to convince him that I had a microchip implanted in his skull after he ran off when I adopted Owlowicious, he didn't buy it, and he took off. Teaming up with Rarity and Candy Vag, we decided to go after him. Rarity assured us she knew the perfect way to blend in, and designed the worst disguise ever. I mean, sure, it would absolutely take first prize at a dragon cosplay contest, but we're actually trying to LOOK LIKE a dragon here. Big difference there.

So the dragons stop for a travel break at Mt. Doom or something, where Spike encounters them. They started a hazing ritual, and the last of which was King of the Horde, and that got tiring very quickly. There was this voice that kept saying, 'Horde Controlled' over and over again. It was really fucking annoying. Good thing they didn't play Capture the Flag. When we started commenting on it, some of the dragons began to wonder who we were, and they just shrugged us off as a relative of Crackle. We look over and saw...just...the most offensive thing we've ever seen. Good Sweet Celestia, somedragon put that fucking freak out of his misery. After dubbing Spike Rookie Dragon, they party well into the night doing crystal meth.

They then decide to prepare for Skyrim by going on a raid. I wasn't going to let Spike get the chance of escaping my grasp, so we followed them into the forest. After pulling the aggro of the two tanking parents, the dragons find all the eggs hatched, and then decide to go after the babies themselves, which alerts the parents. Finding a spare egg, they encourage Spike to smash it on the ground, but then he goes all pro-life on them. Realizing that he'd never make it in Skyrim, he sides with us, and we escape back to Ponyville, where we know they'll never try to get us.

I mean, come on, Dovahshy is here. We're safe.

Your Ranged DPS former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.
Fus Ro Fuck You

Hurricane Fluttershy

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hurricane Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

So it seems you and your sister aren't the only ones who know how to run a scam. Just like you two act like the sun and moon don't move on their own, the Pegasi apparently have Equestria convinced that water doesn't evaporate naturally, and that they need rainwater from various sources each year.

I don't know what they do with the water, but apparently nopony ever got a cutie mark in meteorology, because no one questions this water-smuggling scam. I can't even imagine what they use it for. But this year, Cloudsdale has selected Ponyville's water reservoir to supply Equestria with rainwater. Yeah, that's right. Ponies everywhere think that our little reservoir can supply the entire continent with rain for an entire year.

I just don't get Fluttershy. I mean, the tree disguise was perfect, but if she was trying to get out of tornado duty, she should've picked a better spot to hide; someplace farther away from the meeting spot, and not right across the street from the library, ya know? Sheesh.

So the next day, I got yet another example of how this town hates finer education. Instead of listening to what an anemometer was and what it did, they decided to listen to my simpleton fax machine, who said it just measured how fast you go and how strong your wings are. I wonder if there's a device that measures how hard I can hit a dragon.

Of course, Fluttershy plays hooky, and Rainbow goes to check on her. Yet again, she is not very convincing. Pony pox? Really? If you want to really have everypony leave you alone, just tell them it's the T-virus. So Rainbow Dash got Fluttershy all wet, and they admitted their love for each other.

Also, Pinkie must have finally gotten her experimental steroid drug to a prototype stage, because there was a Pegasus in the group that was just...all kinds of wrong. Sorry, but you don't get like that unless you're on something. Seriously, this guy was ripped, and his wings were now the smallest part of his body. And he still flew! What is wrong with this picture?

So Rainbow comes back with Fluttershy after they probably made love or something, and she flies past the anemometer, and completely sucks. I was going to say something mean, but Spike beat me to it, so I knocked him on the head and pretended I cared. Fluttershy proceeded to break up with Rainbow and ran away to her animals, who told her to stop being such a bitch and to start working out. She came back to the track later that day, and improved, but pretty much still sucked. Fluttershy was in tears, and proceeded to break up with Rainbow, soap opera style.

The next day, they were all set to try to break the wing power record. Their first attempt wasn't so hot, and sent everyone flinging in all directions. Apparently Rainbow Dash's eyeballs are strong enough to punch through tree bark. Everyone decides to give it one more try, and Fluttershy finally gets a pussy and decides to help them.

And you know my biggest piece of proof that this whole 'give water to Cloudsdale' thing is a scam?

When the first attempt failed, and Cloudsdale was in danger of not getting their rainwater, Spitfire didn't do a fucking thing.

Scam!

Your ever-vigilant former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Ponyville Confidential

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Ponyville Confidential

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that this whole damn town is frighteningly insecure. It all started when the Cutie Mark Failures decided once again on their next crusade; newspaper. Although Sweetie Belle once again tried shipping in the most incorrect manner possible, and Scootaloo's wings have now begun to troll the body they're attached to. Brilliant.

So once Applebloom finally got them on the idea of journalism, they signed up for the school newspaper. So I also blame part of this fiasco on Cheerilee. The fact that these three have not been sent to some special needs class astounds me. Wait, scratch that. This is Ponyville we're talking about. The whole schoolhouse is pretty much a special needs class.

But she did do something right; the selection of the Editor-in-Chief. Diamond Tiara was after the juicy stories. And the staff photographer just got his cutie mark. Based upon the kind of photos he took, he's looking at a career with the ponyrazzi in Fillywood. The three birth defects can't figure out what to write in their column until Sweetie Belle finds Snips and Snails being butt buddies on the playground. Needless to say, this article spread like wildfire, and a newspaper written by kids is now the hottest thing in town.

So now that it's common knowledge that the school allows gay relationships on the premises, Diamond Tiara orders the newly christened 'Gabby Gums' to go beyond the school and get into the private lives of Ponyville. That's when things started to get fun.

I find it simply marvelous how bent out of shape an entire town gets when ponies start talking about them. In fact, I have a solution. How about we re-purpose the town hall. We get a gigantic blackboard, and black full suits for anonymity. So anypony can go in and write whatever they want with no consequences whatsoever. I'll call it...a forum! That way, anypony can go on a rant and get something off their chest. At least until technology advances and we have a machine in the comfort of our own home where we can just rot away in front of them.

Can you imagine if there was a show about those mythological 'human' creatures Lyra is always talking about? What if it was made for little fillies, but stallions and mares got into it too? With a machine like that, the worst of those fags could go and write a story about humans and post it for everyone to read! By the moon, can you think of anything more pathetic?

Well, to be honest, the articles began to lose their flare, at least in my opinion. Like, Pinkie Pie is a drugged-up party animal? Fluttershy's tail isn't real? I find this town boring? I thought this was a NEWSpaper. But I am impressed that Featherweight managed to snap a picture of your fat ass chowing down on some cake.

Well, after that picture made it to print, I imagine that Cheerilee was fearing for her possible future lunar lifestyle, so she shut the Gabby Gums column down. But not before they managed to get some delicious tears out of Fluttershy.

So even though Diamond Tiara lost her position as Editor-in-Chief, Madame Pinkie Pie predicted that she would become prosperous in the future through something involving a four-leaf clover and the letter 'b'. Not too sure what that means.

Your forum-trolling former student,
Twilight Sparkle

MMMystery on the Friendship Express

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

MMMystery On The Friendship Express

Dear Princess Celestia,

So Mr. and Mrs. Diabetes have prepared this really extravagant cake for Equestria's National Desert Competition. The Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. I hear they have a new device to aid in judging the dishes this year; it actually measures how fast your arteries clog!

And don't most competitions have you bake the dish AT the competition? Well, since we're not doing that, let's bake it then move it! Oh, and don't put it on a level, sturdy cart. Nope, put it on a wobbling horse, tie it to ropes and have two Pegasi hold it up, have a protective shield around it, and last but not least, a trampoline behind it.

So let's see. If it were to tip off of Big Mac, it would fall inside the shield, most likely knocking both Pegasi into it, and then, if it falls backwards it would bounce off the trampoline and hit the ground, shattering the shield and sending cake everywhere. Fucking genius.

So rather than making the desserts there, we're taking the prepared dessert to the competition. Separately, right? Away from all the competition? Nope! We're all going on a train, but first we have to tear the side off because we have to get this damn thing into the car. At least everypony else's was small enough to fit in the door.

So I tried to listen to Pinkie describe the cake sitting before us, but I only got as far as “rich, creamy goodness”, which of course cause the medication to wear off, and I started thinking about sex again. Oh by the moon I'd like some rich creamy goodness inside me right about now.

No, I'm not talking about the cake.

So when our competition shows up with their entries, what happens? That's right Pinkie, flaunt your most-likely prize-winning entry in front of everyone and then attempt to stay up all night without any help from stimulants or a damn cup of coffee. Hell, use your drugs, we know you brought them. They're stored in the cake, aren't they?

So after Pinkie began guarding the cake, Dash rather easily lured her away, and because she only sees in two dimensions, didn't see that Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity had taken a bite of the cake. I really had to resist using one of the supports as a dildo.

But I really would love to see the world through Pinkie's eyes for just 10 minutes. According to her, we had a silent film villain, secret agent, and ninja on the train with us.

So in short, Fluttershy, Rainbow, and Rarity are all weak-willed future fatasses. Applejack can play innocent all she wants, but she was the FIRST to reach for the cake before we even left.

With the MMMM ruined, do the bakers now revel in their much-increased chances of winning? Oh hell no. One short dark tunnel later, and they all gobbled up another dessert. So now that everypony's dishes have been destroyed, we basically made this whole damn trip for nothing. Until Pinkie decided to combine the remnants of all three dishes, and enter it into the contest. She waited until you got a slice, and then ate the rest all at once. Blue ribbon and all. Good thing too, because I was afraid we were all going to argue over who got the ribbon on the way home.

But seriously, how is Pinkie not pissing high fructose corn syrup?

Your healthy-eating former student,
Twilight Sparkle

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1

Dear Shining Armor,

Who the tartarus do you think you are? What, just because some two-bit villain makes a threat against Canterlot, that means you can put off telling me about your wedding until the last minute? I mean damn, if it's that fucking serious, delay the damn wedding! And seriously? Cadance? You're marrying that broad? You're getting some seriously damaged goods there, bro. I know because I heard you guys every time you railed her after putting me to bed. Drywall isn't much of a sound dampener, you know.

So Bitchcess Celestia wants me and my friends to help out with this sham, does she? She wants Applejack to give everyone food poisoning, and Pinkie Pie to get everypony to party hard. Fluttershy is once again conducting the bird choir. Ugh, once again with the fucking birds. Seriously, find a fucking guitar. I know they're usable because the Crusaders used them during their shitty talent show. Rainbow Dash is instructed to do a Sonic Rainboom during the ceremony because nothing is more beautiful than Pegasus diarrhea at Mach 1. Rarity will design the dresses for the slut and her whoremaids, and lastly, I'm supposed to make sure everything comes together.

So we take the train up to Canterlot, and find it surrounded by a pink force field bubble. Because nothing says “don't fuck with us” more than pink and sparkly. So I go off in search of you, and apparently you've been sleeping around, because your guards are alerted to a mare angrily calling your name. But after talking to you for a few minutes, I have to admit, I've missed you. I remember back when I went into heat for the first time, and you taught me how to clop. Just reminiscing about it got me horny, which is why I presented to Cadance when she showed up. Then when she ignored me and just went right to your side, I started to feel...really jealous. Oh Celestia...I think...I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!

After all, it just wasn't that first time I was in heat; you helped me clop plenty of times. You never mounted me, because of stupid society and what everypony thinks is right and wrong, but you know what? Fuck society. I want you, Shining. I want you inside of me, and if you're attracted to that rude, stuck-up bitch, then I'll happily say that you haven't seen nothing yet! I'm WAY bitchier than her!

So during the last rehearsal, I stormed in and tried to pass her off as a witch, so that I could run away with you. But I'll give her this; she's a damn good actress. I thought I could convince everypony by screaming evil over and over again, but that didn't work either, but she ran off nonetheless. So now you can be all mine...oh wait, no. Because for some reason you want that over this. Your own sister, who hasn't gotten any in quite some time. I guess I didn't do a good job of making friends down in Ponyville, either, because they all just walked out on me. Then as I'm crying because I'm forever alone, the Queen of Shipping comes back, and sends me down to hell.

Fuck all of you,
Twilight Sparkle

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2

Dear Shining Armor,

'You're being a tiny bit possessive of your brother,' they said. 'Spike's playing with dolls, are you beating him enough?' they said. 'Please get some counseling' they said. Well, what the fuck do they know?

You know, I'm purposefully right most of the time, but it's somewhat rare that I'm accidentally right. Turns out the Cadance I met up in Canterlot was a doppelganger who locked the real one down here. She had gotten quite horny down here, but we figured it was a bit more important to try and make the bitch upstairs pay for taking our stallion for herself. Cadance was a bit skeptical of our chances, so I told her that if we actually pulled it off, she had to promise to do a threesome with you and me.

So we set off. Did you know that in order to get up to Canterlot, first you have to take an old rusty minecart DOWN a spiraling track? Who the hell dug this place? Seriously, it makes just about as much sense as the doppelganger singing at the top of her lungs about her evil plans and no one hears her. After tricking the mind-controlled bridesmaids into jumping off a cliff, we made it to the chapel just in time. Revealing herself to be the queen of the Changelings, this 'Chrysalis' plots to feed off of all the love in Equestria. So at least Ponyville's safe. I'm convinced that it's impossible for anypony to get laid in that town.

And what the fuck is this? Celestia is actually standing up to a threat rather than just sending me and the goof troop? Well, at least I now understand why she constantly sends us, because she just got her ass handed to her. I guess trolling really is the only thing she's good at. She tells us to go get the Elements of Harmony and use them to defeat the Queen. That's another thing; when she is aware of a threat to our nation, why doesn't she have the most powerful weapons of her arsenal out and ready to use? Nope, just keep them sealed up in that little box in that vault that only she can open, and not the actual wielders of the Elements. I bet that after this, she'll use this attack as an excuse to create a completely new arm of government, call it something like the Department of Equestrian Security, and it'll be so fucking useless and a waste of tax bits that it'll be the butt of jokes for the next decade.

So because the Changelings know a thing or five about actual warfare, we're brought back to the chapel, where they have Celestia encased in a cocoon, and Cadance glued to the floor with some kind of goo. Either that or they jizzed on her. Kinky. When the Queen goes to the window to sing her shitty song again, I quick make a move to free Cadance, and you and her perform a dual love spell that repels Chrysalis and her minions. Oh no, don't obliterate them, just send them flying off into the distance so they can come back one day. Also, I find it very hard to believe that every single Changeling was perfectly positioned to be pushed out of the city by the force field, and not turned to paste on the side of a building.

So after all this, Applejack was the only one with enough balls to actually apologize to me. Damn straight, now where are the other four? And what about Bitchlestia? I just saved your castle, city, and country, you flowing-hair whore! All she had to say to me was “this is your victory too.” Well no shit.

So guess what, big brother best fucker forever? Since I saved the day, I'm getting a threesome. So you're going to satisfy me whether you want to or not. I'll prove myself to you one way or another, and one day you'll be mine!

Now to go off and see how Fax Machine is going to totally fuck up this bachelor party he's put together.

Your incestuous sexy sister,
Twilight Sparkle

The Crystal Empire, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Crystal Empire, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, that was quite the summer. It all started with finally getting the sexual satisfaction I'd been craving for the past two years. Shining was incredible! I lost track of how many times he made me climax. Cadance didn't taste too bad either. It was the best night I've ever had in my life. Then I spend the next two months trying to make it happen again. My amazingly sexy brother had to go ruin the ride because of 'social norms'. He made Cadance perform a memory spell on him to make him forget that night. So between stalking him with weekly letters asking him for some, I've been looking through my spellbooks for a reverse memory spell. Sorry, but you don't just FORGET a mind-blowing screw like that. I know it was good for him too.

So what do you do to take my mind off it? You give me a test. So you've finally decided to see if I was better off in Ponyville away from your school. So here I was trying to remember how this place sucks, yet infinitely better than Canterlot, when Fax Machine told me to relax. Yeah, relax! That's what I was trying to do with this summer's unsuccessful sexcapades. I got so pissed that even the tree jumped from the bitchslap I gave him.

So I go to Canterlot to get this test, which turns out really isn't a test. It's more of a mission. Yep, another mission for Twilight and company because Celestia gets her ass handed to her. I even saw the look on Luna's face, like she was almost pouting because she wanted to go and help, but I'm guessing you were punishing her because she stayed in her bedroom playing video games during the changeling invasion of the wedding. But I'm sure she's grateful that her punishment isn't more severe. Remember that one time she got sent to the moon just because she wanted to spend time with others?

I think I heard something about a king, and love and joy. I wasn't sure. My mind stopped listening intently after I heard Crystal Meth Empire. By the moon, Pinkie finally has competition! Maybe if I can save this city from vanishing again, Pinkie's monopoly on drug trafficking will end, and we can finally work on cleaning up Ponyville!

After a short musical number and another slap to Fax Machine (that will teach him to sing backup on my songs) we board the train to the Crystal Meth Empire. Equestria's infrastructure is incredible. This city vanished one thousand years ago, and the railroad up to the north was in perfect shape. We got off the train into a raging blizzard, and met up with Shining Armor, who was cosplaying that one guy from that one movie. He hurries us along because 'the empire isn't the only thing that's returned'. How about you stop being so ominous and just spit it out! Something keeps trying to get in, you say? Maybe it's the unicorn king. Or maybe it's any sane pony who doesn't want to be out in this damn blizzard. Sheesh. Sure enough, this mass of shadows closes in on us, and we make a dash for the dome. We all make it through, but not before Shining got raped. So, he won't be ready to go again for several hours.

Meeting Cadance in the castle, she has the audacity to say that we need to meet up when the fate of Equestria isn't hanging in the balance. Oh, you mean like I was trying to do the entire summer for sexy fun times? Bitch. So the goal here is to find out how the crystal meth ponies protected themselves in the past. So...if I'm understanding this, they needed protecting even before a corrupt king rose to power? Because...that makes no sense at all. After not getting anything out of the stoned locals, we ransacked the library to find a history book. Apparently, out of all the drugs they manufactured, ecstasy wasn't one of them, so they needed to throw an annual fair to make themselves happy to protect themselves from harm. Give me a break. I've seen plenty of royal guards protecting you from harm, and they don't seem jolly at all. The entire fair was centered around something called the Crystal Heart. Remember Tom, Rarity's crush? Yeah, I took a hammer and chisel to his ass to make a replica, and put it in the center of town.

However, in all our research and thorough reading, we neglected to notice that the last page was missing from the history book. You'd think I would've caught that. Must be this drug-filled atmosphere. Cadance has been hitting up so long that her magic was starting to fade. The shield dropped, and Drug Lord Sombra closed in to retake his meth labs.

Uh oh.

Your didn't-see-the-tear-marks former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Any idea why my sister is writing me letters every week asking for a good rutting? It's starting to creep me out.

Sincerely,
Shining Armor

The Crystal Empire, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Crystal Empire, Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, I've got to hand it to Cadance, taking off Sombra's horn like that took guts. Now he's going to go get his homies for backup and bust a cap in her ass. But it's just another day up in 'dis Crystal Meth Empire, yo.

After quickly overcoming the grief that Tom died for no reason, I tasked the other five with keeping the fair running while I searched for the Crystal Heart. If your sister taught me anything, it's that you have to search fruitlessly around an area, and then lastly, search a lava-filled castle with spikes everywhere, and then there's always a guy at the end who says you have to go to another castle. Seeing how there's only one castle in this area, I figured that wouldn't happen.

After looking everywhere on the castle grounds, I let the hate flow through me, and bam, secret staircase. I walk halfway down, and tumble down the second half. At least I got to the end. I didn't even need 70 or more stars. But then there was this rather evasive door. I gave it a dose of PMS, it opened right up, and I was given the most wonderful vision – where I was officially released from your school. Spike came down and had a similar vision where he was no longer in my servitude. After reminding him that he was mine forever, I performed a spell on the door, and was greeted with another set of stairs.

Down at the fair, Rainbow ran a kiosk, Rarity made straw items, Applejack was the distraction, Fluttershy hosted a petting zoo, and Pinkie kept screaming for a flugelhorn. Fluttershy kept a pretty good distance from Pinkie. I think she was afraid that she was going to get high and make a second disguise out of her skin. The crystal meth ponies were getting a little edgy, so Rainbow distracted them by trying to impale Fluttershy in a jousting match.

So back at the tower, I was about a quarter of the way up when I recalled a spell Luna told me; the legendary 'Up Down Left Right Select' spell. Suddenly, gravity reversed and I slid all the way up the bottom of the spiral. I'm amazed my hooves didn't catch on fire. Once we finally got to the top, I discovered that the clever bastard actually installed an alarm system. Having no other choice, I ordered Fax Machine to take it down the tower. Like the true clumsy shit he is, he tripped and fell, forcing my brother to throw his exhausted wife up in the air to catch them. Probably would've been funnier if she only caught the heart, but what's done is done.

So back in Canterlot, Celestia congratulated me on understanding the meaning of self-sacrifice, leading me to believe she was hoping I died up there in the tower. Fucking troll. Just wanted Spike to take all the glory. He even got his own stained glass window! The other five are much better backup singers than him anyway.

Your still-alive former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Sweetheart, did Pinkie slip you something again? I never agreed to a threesome down in the caves, and you certainly didn't accompany us on our honeymoon. You've been freaking your brother out.

When I used to foalsit for you, you were the sweetest, smartest filly there ever was. But recently, your attitude and manners have been abysmal. But it's nothing that years of therapy can't fix.

Sooner or later, I hope that you'll take that first step to getting some help. Because hallucinations like that are only going to continue; before you know it, you'll think you've become a princess yourself, or worse, you and your friends will go through a portal, turn into those mythological humans, and attend high school.

Sincerely,
Princess Cadance

Author's Note

Whoops, sort of made a perspective error, didn't I? Kinda goofed; was kinda in the mindset that she was still writing to her brother.

Too Many Pinkie Pies

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Too Many Pinkie Pies

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that I have no time management skills whatsoever. In addition to trying to come up with ways to compete with the Crystal Meth Empire's drug trafficking, I also can't spend enough time with my friends. They're all having fun at the same time! Well, everypony except Fluttershy, who was having a tea party with Angel, who was all like 'Well fuck you too' when Fluttershy said it wasn't especially fun.

So while I was recovering in Fluttershy's butterfly grove, both Rainbow and Applejack came by for their hits. AJ needed some heroin for her family's barn raising, and Rainbow needed weed for relaxing at the lake after work. At this point, I started to panic. I couldn't get Rainbow her stash and Applejack's at the same time, and I didn't want either of them to start to detox, so I started seeing how fast I could make it from Sweet Apple Acres to the lake. I ran into Twilight, who suggested I make copies of myself. Remembering the legend of the Mirror Pool, I wander into the Everfree Forest to find the underground pond, where I made a clone of myself. So now I could make both deliveries on time!

Or so I thought.

Turns out on the way to the farm, she stopped by Fluttershy having a picnic, gave the stash to a new customer by the name of Applejohn, went to another picnic hosted by Fluttershutter, but unfortunately, didn't make it to Applesauce's barn raising. So now my weed is gone, and I need some more. So a thought hit me; more clones for faster production! But unfortunately, they weren't interested in keeping my drug trade afloat, but only in having 'fun'. There's nothing more fun than making drugs! Did you know that 'horse' is a slang for heroin! See? Fun!

Going back to the pond, I saw them doing something with Rainbow Dash that...I really don't want to describe. I checked up on the barn raising, to see my horde destroying the barn. One even got crushed by the tower. Soon enough, they were running rampant throughout the town looking for even more fun. Twilight devised a solution to sending them back to the Mirror Pond, but didn't want to send me back because she's desperate for her drugs. So I figured out a solution – my clones couldn't concentrate on drugs at all, so we gathered up all the Pinkie into town hall, and had them inhale paint fumes. Anyone who didn't keep staring blankly got sent back to the pool. They did some pretty freaky things, too, like making hands out of their hooves and warping their face to the most hideous thing imaginable.

So I learned my lesson. The Crystal Meth Empire is going to get a slice of the drug trade from now on, and I'll have to settle for a smaller cut. I can't supply all my friends, so I'll have to pick and choose, and the rest will have to go to the Empire's substandard selection. All part of the business. Now to find this Applejohn and get my stuff back.

Your loyal druggie,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yeah, the orgy with multiple Pinkies at the lake was great and all, but if I have to hear a muffled 'FUN!' coming from between my legs ever again, it'll be too soon.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

One Bad Apple

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

One Bad Apple

Dear Princess Celestia,

Let me start off by saying I hate kids. I never wanted any myself, and then mom had to go and die during Apple Bloom's birth, then dad of course ran away with that whore from Baltimare. Somehow, we kept the pooping, crying birth defect from dying until she was old enough to do chores on the farm. So just when she's starting to get decent at farm labor so she could get an apple mark, she goes and makes friends with two more idiot fillies. Personally, I blame public schooling. Why is “practice what you're already good at” so hard to teach? Why, back when I was in school, if you acted up, you got a ruler on the hooves, paddle on the ass, and soap in the mouth. As far as I can tell, I turned out alright because of all that. I didn't want kids because all the damn laws today. You're not allowed to beat their ass; you're supposed to give them a 'time out.' Fuck that. So I gave them the old tree house, so they would stay as far away from me as possible.

So now that I've gotten that problem taken care of for the most part, what does the sophisticated family over in the east do? Well, they dump another one on me! All because they can't deal with a bullying problem. Do you realize what this is going to do? If Babs, however unlikely, has a good time here, and then has to go back to her miserable existence in Manehattan, is gonna want to come back here all the time. And if her family up there is too stupid to deal with bullies, then they just might be stupid enough to let her live down here. I am not a hootin' foalsittin' service. If they don't stop jumping around me like a bunch of wild banshees while waiting for the train, I've got a mind to warm up the branding iron and give them all their cutie marks early.

So they take Babs and give her the dime tour of the clubhouse, showing her all the key features and places. Too bad they don't know that the bulls-eye on the floor was also where Rainbow and I...uh...you know what, never mind. Then they take her over to the barn where they've been working on their pumpkin float for the town parade, and of course get interrupted by their two favorite future whores. For as good a job as Apple Bloom did fixing up the clubhouse, she did a shitty job putting on the wheel. Seriously, if it can be knocked off with a single pathetic hoof strike, I wouldn't feel safe getting in that thing. Or maybe they mixed up their roles again, hoping to win the parade's Best Comedy Act. Maybe lightning can actually strike twice.

So Babs goes over to the dark side and leave to learn the ways of the Force with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The crusaders then go about Ponyville attempting to avoid Babs, while singing “yeeaahheeaahheeahh” wherever they go. Because they're not snitches. Nope, they're bitches.

So they return to the clubhouse only to discover that Sith Lord Seed has taken it over. So once again, instead of coming to me, and allowing me to prosecute them for trespassing, they slink away to Sweetie Belle's bedroom. They didn't want to tell me, they didn't want to tell Rarity, and they REALLY didn't want to Twilight. I can understand that at least. Knowing her, she probably would've joined Babs in the clubhouse.

Coming up with a plan for revenge, they meet in the barn and create another float. Not to mention that I think I know where Rarity's been making those extra bits on the side. I think I can count on one hoof how many professions require edible clothing.

After building their new float to the theme of an old neighties TV show, they get all set to spring their trap. After being as subtle as possible with the winking and mattress, I told them about her bullying problems back home, and they knock Babs out of the float just before it tumbled off the cliff. Apple Bloom must have built this one, because this one stayed in one piece when it hit the bottom. Giving them all a bath back home, I told them that it was better to be a snitch then a bitch. After all, you only have to worry about snitches in prison. Afterward, Sweetie Belle steals more of Rarity's golden fabric to make Babs a crusader cape. They say their goodbyes at the train station, and to prove her training went well, Babs force pushed Diamond and Silver into a mud pit. Come to think of it, why is there a pig pen right next to the train walkway?

Part of me wants to tell them that never in the history of Equestria has there been a kids club for finding Cutie Marks. If this keeps up too much longer, it'll be too late. Scootaloo will be sent to the Rainbow Factory, Rarity will probably skin Sweetie Belle to make up for all the stolen supplies with still no Cutie Mark to show for it, and in the case of Apple Bloom, well, I hear Pinkie is looking for a baking assistant.

Your loyal farmer-not-foalsitter,
Applejack

Magic Duel

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Magic Duel

Dear Princess Celestia,

So let me get this straight, the ambassadors from Saddle Arabia are coming, and you want me to juggle woodland creatures for them? Is that really all it's going to take for them to give you all their oil? Normally it wouldn't be any big thing, but damn, Fluttershy flipped the fuck out. Her animals were loving it, but she was biting her hooves, after threatening me with a bunny fire if anything happened to them, of course. Then Rainbow had to come crashing into me to tell me about an emergency back in town.

I go to town square to see what the commotion is, and who else should it be than the Great and Powerful Bitchy. How have you been, you prissy showmare slut? Been down on your luck, have you? So she's come back to Ponyville to challenge me to a magic duel, and the way she's going to goad me into this is to put Rarity in a decent dress for a change, give Rainbow a serious hit of Viagra, and glue the two biggest idiots in town together? Although I must admit, I was rather impressed with the legendary Recycling Bin spell she performed on Pinkie. How the fuck did she manage to keep breathing, anyway?

Nice amulet, by the way. I love how no one questioned her flashing red eyes and magic aura. No, that's not foreshadowing or ominous at all.

So I initially refused to duel because I was afraid that I'd kick her ass and I'd have to stay in this piss pit of a town. But I came to realize that staying in Ponyville wasn't as bad as being TOLD to go anywhere. I'd show that rock farm failure who's boss. It's time to d-d-d-d, d-d-d-d-d-duel!

She began by hurling an applecart up in the air, almost crushing somepony who couldn't get out of the way. I manged to right it just in time. By the way, why can those barrels only hold seven apples? May want to get a bigger size. She then threw pies at me, but what I really wanted was to eat her pie. Then, she blankets the town in snow, forcing me to melt it. Welp, there's this year's Winter Wrap Up. But if she doesn't want to have sex with me, she'll have sex with nopony! I gave her one of my Repulsive Mustaches. Unfortunately, she bested me with an age spell. But at least I got to drop a baby. She flung me out of town before encasing Ponyville in a giant dome. I wasn't aware that the environmental problems had gotten that hazardous. Then again, Hey Ocean's barge did sink in the lake due to the acidity of the water.

Determined to get my friends and slave back, I venture into the Everfree Forest, to see if Zecora had any Rare Candies laying around. If not, I could always walk through the grass to grind a few levels. But she just had me float above the pond, levitating bubbles. But I couldn't stop thinking about Trixie, and that got me soaking wet. It's a good thing I didn't crash any space ships, or she'd probably make me levitate those too.

Before long, Fluttershy had been able to sneak herself out of Ponyville, getting some beavers to use insane amounts of profanity at Trixie. She told me how she was setting up a cult of personality, and would soon create the Democratic Pony's Republic of Ponyville. She also told me about the Alicorn Amulet, and how it gave Trixie a +50 buff to her Magic. Gosh, I wonder how many Hard Mode dungeons she had to grind through for that. So Zecora told me the secret to beating her.

We meet Trixie back at the dome, and I showed her that through the power of microtransactions, I had acquired an amulet more powerful than hers. Pay-to-win, bitch. Of course, after our duel, she tried to put my amulet on, but since I had already equipped it, it was bound to me. That's what you can do when you have more money than skill. Ha. I even gave Pinkie the Polka Band emote.

After the juggling animal show, Trixie apologized to me for the fight. I was about to ask if she wanted to go back to the library with me for some 'studying', but she took off. At least I got a good look at that sweet sexy plot when she tripped. Ugh, I really wanted some of that...

Your hopeless former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Well, that's a record. Three in one day.

Sleepless in Ponyville

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Sleepless in Ponyville

Dear Princess Celestia,

By the moon, why didn't you tell me Luna could enter into my dreams?!? For fuck's sake, I'm never gonna be able to look her in the eye again! Seriously, when you go this long without getting rutted, the mind does what it does, and that's no fucking business of hers!

Damnit...you know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of it, fuck Luna, and fuck you. Now where's the energy drinks, I'm never sleeping again. Pinkie has to have something that causes insomnia.

You soon-to-be sleep-deprived former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sweetie Belle,

Do you even lift?

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Princess Celestia,

Who's got my rusty horseshoe?

You?

...no?

Alright, I'll go ask that Pegasus filly who can't fly.

Sincerely,
The Olden Pony

Dearest Sister,

I do believe Twilight Sparkle's dreams are our key to finally breaking into the pornography industry. This is some seriously hardcore stuff. I'll get the camcorder.

Sincerely,
Luna

Author's Note

Alright, that is seriously it for today. I am officially out of steam.

Wonderbolts Academy

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Wonderbolts Academy

Dear Princess Celestia,

So Rainbow's flying actually got unshitty enough to get accepted into the Wonderbolts Academy. But I'm starting to get the feeling that her orgy with all those Pinkie clones actually contained the original Pinkie, because she really started to miss Rainbow Dash, and fast. She just stood at the mailbox and pressed F5 over and over again. Hey Pinkie, here's an idea; how about you actually, oh, I don't know, WAIT FOR THE MAILPONY?

She continued wasting away, and we finally had to intervene, and suggest that she send Rainbow a letter first. She went one step further and suggested sending her a care package through the mail. That would be tricky without being able to confirm that she had gotten five kills in a row, so we decided to deliver it personally. Good thing, because Derpy Mail has been slipping lately. Approximately 98% of their mail is delivered in perfect condition, and they only advertised 80%. I'd rather have 80% than 98%, it's more exciting that way. Real risk when you send somepony something! Last but not least, it was an opportunity to get out of Ponyville. We seriously need more excuses to get away.

Come to think of it, let's take “fly a hot air balloon into a tornado” off that list of excuses. No sooner than we cleared the cloud cover did a twister come and flung us around and snapped our balloon in half. And I only had two payments left! With some admittedly quick skillful maneuvering, Rainbow formed a bed of clouds for us to land on. Did she keep us on the clouds? Nope. Turned it into a trampoline and sent us flying back up to be caught by the cadets. I'm pretty sure Thunderlane is getting some tonight. Lucky bastard.

So after Rainbow miraculously remembers us over the course of three days, she confronts her partner and quits training due to Lightning Dust's recklessness. She packs her things and gets ready to leave. As we gather at the end of the runway, Spitfire chases down Rainbow Dash, chastising her for walking out. I figured she was here to confiscate her uniform and goggles before leaving. I doubt they were handed out for free. Instead, she commends Rainbow on being so forward, and promotes her to Lead Pony. So she drops her bags and does laps with the others, leaving the rest of us stranded up here.

Yeah, that's right. Last I checked, we're on a floating island in the sky, our hot air balloon was demolished, and four of us can't fly. That's the last time we ever come to check up on you, lezbitch.

Isn't there some kind of shrine around here with a fucking huge green gem we could guard or something? Maybe if we remove it, this place will go back down to the ground.

Your jewel-stealing former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Oh I get it. Promise to take me under your wing, and then take off for Wonderbolts training. I see how it is.

I'll just stay here and entertain myself in this dark, drafty orphanage.

Sincerely,
Scootaloo

Spike At Your Service

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Spike At Your Service

Dear Applejack,

Let's get one fucking thing straight. Spike is MY slave. If you want a dragon slave, then I suggest you grow your own horn out of that damn hat and hatch an egg yourself. Maybe you can get your lover to do another Sonic Rainboom to help you with that too. I am also dumbfounded that you let him move about your farm, the walking disaster that he is. But I hope you got a good idea of why I'm always frustrated with him, and also got first-hand experience of his stupidity. I mean, here was a fire-breathing dragon, running from animated piles of wood. Yeah. I can't believe you bought that dragon code bullshit. The only reason I didn't realize he left was because I was caught up in that magnificent 12-part erotic novel series Celestia sent me for the weekend.

So you always go into the Everfree Forest investigating runaway balloons? Or are you just going in there to intimidate Zecora? You could've given him a swift bucking and sent him flying off your farm if he wasn't getting the message. You see, that's why your honest southern politeness won't get you anywhere in life. And who the fuck puts eggs up on a shelf that is twice as high as anypony in the household?

I do derive joy from the fact that all these mishaps were happening elsewhere, and not in the library. Only Spike could go to wash a single plate, flood the kitchen with soap suds, and come out with a piece of the plumbing.

So after helping Rainbow re-enact the 9/11 Pegasus attack on Manehattan, we got together to come up with a plan to get Spike out of your service. I don't see why we didn't just tell him about the Pony Code, which overrides the Dragon Code, and puts him back into my servitude. Nah, we had to get a really cheap puppet, some wooden buckets, and Rainbow's really good roaring. Spike didn't buy it though, due to the lack of breath. So, of course, the Everfree Forest's glorious irony endangers all our lives. The trio of Timber Wolves tracked you and Spike back to the farm. You saved his life once again, but then they formed up Timbertron.

So they saved the day by doing to the Timbertron what happens to me every time I try blowing a stallion. But since he saved your life, you two called it even, and now he's back helping me because I am completely incapable of turning on a light.

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear milesprower06,

However did you come up with that ingeniously woven intricate plot line?

-Rarity

Author's Note

Yeah. I went there. Nothing is sacred to Twilight McBitchypants.

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Dear Princess Celestia,

Have you run out of ponies to seduce and molest or something? It has gotten SO bad that you are actually going to risk thawing out your ex lover from carbonite?

Yeah, don't act so surprised. It was totally obvious. He had a one night stand with Luna, you mooned her, and turned him to stone so he could pleasure you without complaining, but for some reason that's become boring. So now you've brought him to us, and then take off into the sky before we release him. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I still can't believe you want us to do this. Even if Fluttershy can miraculously convince him to reform his ways, there are ponies here that will never trust him. Me, for instance. And because of that, we can never give him a second chance. It would cause all sorts of internal and external conflict, and if there's one thing I've learned living in Ponyville, it's that we can never, ever deal with conflict in a civilized manner. It's obviously because everypony here has piss-poor attitudes and shitty personalities!

But because none of us want to go to the moon, and five of us don't want to get molested, we go along with this. We release him from the stone, and he reveals that he has heard everything in his vicinity, which suddenly made all the possibilities very, very funny. He ends up staying with Fluttershy, where he puts the cottage in midair and rotates it. Yet Fluttershy says everything's fine. She must have gotten a look at his equipment and now wants some of that too. She invites us all over for a dinner party, where Discord wanted to convince Rainbow she had a food fetish, and all the candlesticks danced. At least they didn't start a song with the dishes.

Angel comes to play charades, revealing that Sweet Apple Acres was flooding again. Upon investigation, it was the beavers who haven't had enough soap in their mouths. Also, everypony knows that the beavers are under Discord's influence because of their red eyes? Well why the fuck did nopony notice Trixie's red eyes before I got my sexy ass flung out of town? Bullshit!

So Fluttershy, ever the pussy, tries to gently ask Discord to change everything back to the way it was, and to make the beavers rated G again. After making her promise to never use the Element of Kindness against him, he turns the whole orchard into an ice skating rink. Complete with a biased panel of judges. True to her word, Fluttershy doesn't use Kindness, instead, she gets pissed. Claiming that he didn't fix it, Discord instead wants her to come skating with him. Deciding to keep her promise, she doesn't accept her necklace from Spike, and instead gets ready to put her skates on. But the line is finally crossed when Discord finally thinks that he can do whatever he wants because of his friendship with her, she throws the skates and walks away. At last realizing that continuing this nonsense would cost him his friendship with the adorable cunt, he restores Sweet Apple Acres to the racist inbred paradise it was.

Fluttershy is actually quite clever. I think I get it now. If somepony likes you enough, they'll do anything for you, even change who they are, and accept that they won't always get things their way. Maybe I should start being nicer to everypony, caring about others' feelings, and perhaps people will want to spend more time with me.

Nah, screw it. Everypony sucks anyway. I don't need to change, they do.

Your former student who is set in her ways,
Twilight Sparkle

Just For Sidekicks

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Just For Sidekicks

Dear Princess Celestia,

You suck. I hate you. I mean I really, really hate you. The fact that my whole life has been nothing but slaving away for the most unappreciative cunt ever is entirely your fault. Why the hell do potential students for your school have to hatch dragon eggs anyway? And why are they not then taken and properly cared for? Why are they forced into serving their students? Or, is that just me? Certainly wouldn't surprise me. It would only make my existence even more pathetic and meaningless.

Also, I need help. My tongue is out of control. Is there some kind of Tongues Anonymous support group around here? Because it's keeping me from baking my jewel cake. So Twilight and the others are going to the Crystal Meth Empire to welcome the Head of the Equestria Games. I didn't get invited to come along, and I have no idea why. After all, I was the one who saved the Crystal Heart and thus, their entire empire.

So after an entire afternoon of critter-sitting headaches, not to mention Zecora giving one of my gems to a Filly Scout and not even getting any cookies in return, Angel hops on the train to the Crystal Meth Empire, forcing me to keep the Crusaders from jumping into a lake and giving up another gem for tickets. After they got out of control again, I had to give another rider my second to last gem. Roast rabbit is sounding really good right about now.

But then I was hit with an epiphany. Angel was desperate to get back to Fluttershy because she cared for him. She loved him. Applejack, Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow all care for and love their pets. And here I was, ignoring their needs like Twilight constantly ignores my needs.

So I guess I have to keep trying to figure out a way to seriously hurt Twilight and make it look like an accident, then make a break for it.

Either that or I'll kill myself.

Forever a slave,
Spike

Magical Mystery Cure

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Magical Mystery Cure

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well well well, what a conundrum I've got myself into here. I never thought I'd hear myself say these words, but I actually managed to make my friends...worse. I knew that book you sent me was bad news. That is the last time I open any book that has my name on it, because now I've got 5 tangled up destinies to deal with.

First up? Rarity is now responsible for Ponyville's weather. Normally, a checkerboard thunderstorm would be stylish, but it turns out ponies don't like getting rained on in 10-second increments. I also find it funny how the populace kinda just got pissed off, and didn't bat an eyelash at the sudden switch of their weather pony. At the very least, Daisy and Roseluck should've started another Cutie Pox scare.

So to find out what happened to Rainbow Dash, Rarity points us to Fluttersh-, I mean, Rainbow Dash's cottage. Unsurprisingly, the animal house is out of control. I noticed Gummy around there too, so, I don't even want to know what happened to Pinkie. Maybe she finally got so stoned out of her mind that he escaped.

Fluttershy is now the town's entertainer and party pony, but the party goers were unimpressed, because their regular entertainer doubles as a drug dealer. But they did get a kick out of Spike coming in the door and going 'heyyyyyyyy sexay ponies'.

Following the trail of fucked up fates took us to Sweet Apple Acres, where Pinkie is now responsible for the chores and farm labor. I find it a little odd that the rest of the Apple family was no where to be seen. Kinda like they just went “Welp, Pinkie has an apple mark, let's pack it up, folks.” I'm pretty sure Pinkie is also double-jointed because she just bent her knee fucking backwards trying to buck an apple tree. And I read a manual on house maintenance and repair, and it absolutely says to put all of your body weight onto a misaligned gutter.

Wrapping up this chaotic cuntbucket was Applejack, now making dresses in Carousel Boutique. I've got to be 100% completely honest; these articles of clothing she was making wouldn't even be suitable for the Grand Galloping Ghetto. Fax Machine and I return to the library to try and figure out what we did wrong. Turns out it's a bad idea to read passages from ancient incomplete spellbooks. Whoops.

Determined to set everything back to it's kinda-shitty normality, I catch Fluttershy just as she's preparing to move back to Cloudsdale. While she didn't think she knew anything about animals, I figured I could jog her memory if I wanted her to help a friend instead. Shame we didn't get there just a few minutes later, or we could have tried Skittles. But now I know how crucially important Fluttershy is to the town; if they don't get fed every few hours, they go on a killing spree. She is the sole reason Ponyville isn't a bloody mess. Our initial plan was to only feed the animals a small amount to stave off their hunger, then leave Rainbow there to torture her as the animals slowly became hungry again.

But then we realized we were going to need her outside to fix the weather, so, you know. That plan didn't work. We brought her outside to show that Rarity didn't know how to move clouds out of the way, because ponies don't want rain all the time. Grateful to not be lunch, Rainbow clears the skies, and then it was off to Carousel Boutique to put an end to the crime against fashion...and against things that are considered less than fashion. I mean, there are some pieces of clothing in there that I wouldn't put on mules. So we get Applejack away from the sewing machines so Rarity can return to her war crimes against fashion, creating articles of clothing that aren't even fit for, dare I say, earth ponies.

Then we all went down to Sweet Apple Acres to witness Applejack restore a dying farm in mere minutes. Oh, and her family appeared out of nowhere. If you ask me, I'd say Big Mac was in the basement torturing and raping fillies. Have no idea where the other two were. Maybe when Applejack went to her designer career, they finally decided to cut their losses and put Granny Smith in a home. It must be comforting, knowing your livelihood depends on a single dim-witted southerner.

Lastly, we had to appease the townsfolk. Because rain and the lack of a drug dealer really pisses ponies off. And all it takes is a pair of funny glasses and some poofy hair to make them forget about their poor miserable meaningless lives. So with everything fixed, we hold a parade out of nowhere. I wonder if the town marching band is just standing around waiting for random songs being sung. Then I had the greatest idea; take the book that started all this trouble and write an alternate ending, where everybody died, and the world didn't have to deal with any more sparkling characters. Seriously, we already have enough of that with the Crystal Meth Empire. So it's all in a good day. Now that I've finished that awful book, does that mean my studies in Ponyville are finally done? Wait, what the fuck are the Elements-

***

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh FUCK what did we do?!” Rarity screamed

“The fuck if I know! They just came on!” Pinkie replied, panic starting to set in.

“Don't point that fucking necklace at me, Pinkie! You saw what just happened! Are you high???”

“Probably” Rainbow muttered.

Meanwhile, Spike just sat in the corner.

“Would you guys chill the fuck out?”

“Why should we chill? Our elements just vaporized Twilight!”

“Yeah, exactly. Congrats. I was getting pretty tired of that stuck-up cynical bitch, and I don't see why you guys weren't.”

“We were, Spike. But we were more along the lines of sending her back up to Canterlot with the other snobs, not blast her into atoms!”

“Yeah, but this way nopony has to deal with her.”

“But she was Celestia's student!”

“She'll find someone else.”

“Yeah, potentially someone worse! That's what I was always afraid of!”

“Oh, oh what do we do what do we do what do we do?” Fluttershy asked anxiously.

“Just shut the fuck up and let me think for a minute!”

“Alright, um, you all saw it; she came at me with a knife and a really horny look in her eyes.”

“What? That's the best you can come up with? Let's say she strapped a bomb to herself and threatened to blow herself up if we didn't have sex with her. Of course, nopony is gonna have sex with a unicorn with a bomb, so we barely managed to escape the blast radius.”

“Yeah! But, you know, she's shitty at making bombs, so she just took herself out and not the library.”

“Alright, sweet. Looks like we've got our story. Now let's go tell the rest of the town. I have a feeling they're going to want to celebrate.”

***

“H-hello? Where the fuck am I? What is this place?”

A white figure began to materialize in the distance, blurry at first, but then became more clear.

“Congratulations, Twilight. I knew this was hopeless.”

“Princess! What the hell do you want? What did I do?”

“You did something today that's never been done before. Something even a sassy unicorn like Star Swirl the Bearded wasn't able to do. Because he cared about others in a way you never have. You have proven that there is no hope.”

“No hope? For what?”

~You're worse, than some month-old hay
And I've watched you from that very first day
To see how you might groan
To see who you can't screw
To see what you've bitched through
And all the ways you've made me pissed at you
It's time now, for a new mare to come
I'm fed up, and I can't find Luna's gun
So blow who you will blow
And never set Spike free
You'll never get any
Now it's time for you to get the fuck away from me

***

Dear Princess Celestia,

What. The. Fuck.

Out of fear of your retribution, we have tolerated this bitch for two years. She has tried unsuccessfully to sleep with 80% of this town. The library is supposed to be a place of learning and relaxation, and has been the most unpleasant place in a 20 mile radius ever since she arrived.

So now that we thought, that by pure chance, we finally got rid of her, you dump her back in Ponyville WITH WINGS! The entire fucking town was ready to throw the biggest celebration in it's history, and you manage to fuck it all up. And really? A Princess? You are making this racist, bigoted, stuck-up hopeless slut royalty? What the fucking hell will that accomplish?

Just goes to prove that if you fuck up the lives of five ponies, then miraculously fix it after crying on your bed, you'll get rewarded.

Damn you. Damn you to hell!

Sincerely,
Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy

***

Dear Princess Celestia,

From now on, I will curse your name every night until my vocal chords give out, you conniving, scheming troll. I had one shot at my freedom; my patience, as I simply waited for this cunt to die, and then you increase her lifespan by tenfold. I cannot fathom why the fucking hell you would make Twilight a princess other than to fulfill the position of Royal Bitch. Sometimes it almost seems like somepony like you would already have that position.

You don't think I remember what Equestria was like eons ago? With all the pink, tea parties, smooze, seaponies, and dressing in style? History will eventually repeat itself. Sooner or later, your world will fall, and the dragons will rise up again. When that time comes, I will impale your head on a jewel-encrusted dildo for all to see.

Sleep with one eye open from now on, and thank your sun that I can't find any anthrax.

Spike

***

Memo: To Joe and Bob

I had a feeling I was going to regret making you two royal guards. You two idiots had one job. ONE. JOB. Pull Princess Twilight's carriage through the Coronation Parade route. Yet she fell out not even one hundred feet in, and you two bozos just kept going! Because everyone attending the parade obviously wants to see the CARRIAGE! Nope, they are not interested in seeing the newest royalty in Equestria at all. Just that fine glittery set of wheels.

If I catch hell for this, it's gonna be your asses.

Coronation Parade Manager

***

Dear Twilight,

I have to make myself perfectly clear; don't you dare get any funny ideas. You are not equal with me at all, and to absolutely make sure there are no misunderstandings about that, I got myself this big-ass crown.

I am putting you in charge of Ponyville. So when that cesspool finally explodes or something, I can have somepony to blame. So go and have your fun. Luna and I have started a pool to bet on how long you last. Good luck, my unfaithful bitch. I have a feeling you're going to be needing it.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

***

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fuck yes, both of our kids are awesome!

To be perfectly honest, we were a bit worried about Twilight there for a while, but now? Pfft, what the hell do we care? She's royalty! Whoo!

Sincerely,
Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle

***

To Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy,

I, Princess Twilight, hereby decree that you are all summoned to the upper floor of the library in fifteen minutes, where you will take on a new mission for Equestria. We will study the magic of friendship with benefits. No one is leaving until all of you have tasted my liquid pride, and I finally have the satisfaction I have been craving since I can no longer remember.

Ignoring this decree is punishable by mooning.

Sincerely, Best Princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Golden Oaks Library Scandal!

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
GOLDEN OAKS LIBRARY SCANDAL!

A political corruption scandal has arisen in the weeks following Princess Twilight Sparkle's coronation. After tapping Mayor Mare's can-on-a-string, the Canterlot Bureau of Investigation has implicated the mayor in a conspiracy to sell off the vacated seat of Ponyville Librarian to the highest bidder

Recordings of Mare reportedly saying: “I've got this thing, it's fucking golden, and I'm not letting go for fuckin' nothin'.”

There are also allegations that the library is haunted, as numerous ponies have reported moaning and creaking noises coming from the top floor.

Several ponies also question whether there is really a critical need for a librarian.

“Hardly anypony in this town reads. It would be quite boring sitting in there all day. I think the only reason Twilight put up with it was because there weren't any visitors to interrupt her furious clopping sessions” offered Rose, one of the town's flourists.

The Foal Free Press was able to get a hold of Princess Twilight for comment.

“Those noises were various studies on friendship, pay them no mind. Besides, I'm not going anywhere, so why would we need a new librarian?”

No corruption charges are expected to be brought against Mayor Mare, because to be honest, no one really cares.

NEXT ISSUE:
Scootaloo given one week detention for possession of wing-enhancing drugs; Pinkie Pie under investigation.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Ponyville With A Princess

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
PONYVILLE WITH A PRINCESS

As nearly all locals are now aware, Ponyville has been the residence of Equestria's newest Princess, Twilight Sparkle, after her official coronation took place in Canterlot. Several locals were hopeful that Twilight would pack up and move to Canterlot, but in our first interview, Twilight had announced her intentions to stay in town, not only as a Princess, but also remaining the town's librarian. We gathered various opinions on how some locals believed Ponyville would change with local royalty.

“I'm beginning to wonder what Twilight is the Princess of. You know, how Celestia is the Princess of the Sun, Luna is the Princess of the Night, and Cadance, the Princess of Love. Actually, maybe Twilight is another Princess of Love, but the bad, awkward kind of love. Cadance is the good love, where she gets ponies to like each other. Twilight just doesn't give a buck, she just wants a good rutting,” said Lyra, self-appointed leader of the Truth About Mythological Anthromorphs movement.

“At first I thought it would be funny, seeing as how Pegasi and Alicorns can't hide their, um...arousal. But then of course I realized that even as a Unicorn, Twilight made no effort to hide it, she was very forward. Everypony could tell when she wanted some, which was most of the time,” offered Aloe, co-proprietor of Ponyville Spa.

“I find Twilight to be a very passionate, sensual study partner. I enjoy our study sessions every night at six. In fact, I'd like to see if we can add some more partners. So if there are any handsome stallions looking to brush up on some reading, please feel free to come by the library tomorrow at six. We could really use the help getting this problem solved,” close friend Applejack stated, curiously winking a lot during that last sentence.

“Yes, absolutely, Twilight is an incredible librarian! If you donate enough money to the library, it's amazing how your legal troubles just disappear!” Pinkie Pie happily offered.

We here at the Foal Free Press can't help but wonder with Twilight's...ever-so-slightly disgruntled personality, that she may try to stage a hostile takeover of Equestria akin to what Luna attempted around a millennium ago.

“Of course not. It is my intention to stay in town and keep things running as smoothly as possible. I'm trying to make my former mentor lose a bet,” Twilight said to our journalist upon exiting The Naughty Mare, just inside town limits.

In other news, Scootaloo has reportedly been scared straight, after local Pegasus Snowflake visited Ponyville Juvenile Correctional Facility to show young fillies what can happen when you abuse wing steroids.

“It's really great here. The food is actually a bit warmer than it is at the orphanage,” she told us from the visitation window.

While she claims she has learned her lesson, she has to serve her sentence of two months, but not if we have anything to say about it.

Stay tuned for the next issue, where we will hopefully be reporting to you with our cutie marks in Juvy Hall Jailbreaking.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: The Shawflank Redemption

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
THE SHAWFLANK REDEMPTION

We here at the Foal Free Press have discovered that it is a tricky endeavor to smuggle in items needed for a prison break. We were stopped at the metal detector, which really sucked because we figured we were home free after successfully getting through the bullshit detector. But we suppose it's just as well. If we made it through the metal detector, I don't think Sweetie Belle would have made it through the Sentience Scanner.

Regardless of the “horror stories” that come out of Ponyville Juvenile Correctional Facility (I really don't understand what is so scary about ponies who can't hold on to their bars of soap), Scootaloo claims she is enjoying life “in the joint”, claiming she's now worth two packs of cigarettes. I can't help but wonder if she's gotten involved in the warden's bit laundering scheme. I hear he also has really shitty anti-virus software in another dimension.

So now that our first idea failed, Sweetie Belle suggested getting sent to juvy herself, and came up with an ingenious escape plan that she would put into an extremely intricate tattoo all over her body. We scrapped that idea too, once I told her that with how long the tattoo would take to get made, in addition with how long it would take her to get into the prison due to Equestria's judicial system, that Scootaloo would be out by then. The final nail in the coffin was when I told her that the prison nurse wasn't into filly unicorns either.

So leaving Scootaloo to her last comfortable month of incarceration, Sweetie Belle and I scratched our skulls wondering what to do, because aside from reporting on the latest and greatest happening around Ponyville, our days are mostly filled with making fun of an orphaned pegasus who can't fly. Maybe we can actually get press passes for the castle now. We were kind of forbidden from coming within 500 yards of the castle when we released Discord a year-and-a-half ago, but now that he's released again and reformed, maybe Celestia and Luna have had a change of heart. More on that later!

NEXT ISSUE:
EXCLUSIVE INSIDE SCOOP: DISCORD, CHAOS MASTER OR LOWLY SEXUAL SERVANT?

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Exclusive! Discord Explains It All!

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
EXCLUSIVE! DISCORD EXPLAINS IT ALL!

Good day to you, Equestria. Discord, Master of all things chaos at your service. I understand that some ponies have been wanting to better understand what it is that I do here in Canterlot ever since my reforming. I will also be taking this time to squash some of the more common and annoying rumors about what it is that I do here. So away we go!

The most common rumor of my reforming is that Celestia was beginning to get bored, and wanted some more interesting action in the sack. I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is simply not the case. As historians may recall, I was turned to stone for a reason. The most common false theory was because of all the chaos I was causing around Equestria. You know, ponies howling at the moon, and sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon, and all that. Not true. After getting permission from the Foal Free Press to cast a spell on this article to make it invisible to Celestia's eyes, I can now come forward with the truth.

I was stoned because I cheated on Celestia. Why? Because she's not that great in bed. Yes, it's true. You heard it here. The Princess that raises your sun every morning and sets it every evening is actually a pretty pathetic lover. Every so often she finds somepony who is equally hopeless in sexual endeavors and selects them as a student; perhaps to show the young filly or colt that you can really suck at the bow-chika-bow-wow and still grow up to be the ruler of a nation. Well, she can fool herself all she wants in her little fantasy world, but sex is where it's at. So one night, I went over to her sister's room. Let me tell you; Luna has got it going on.

As the Princess of the Night, Luna has access to some seriously steamy stuff. I believe she recently tried to break into the pornography industry using Twilight Sparkle's cream dreams. But ever since she became an alicorn, Twilght has installed DRM on her sexual fantasies, so they are essentially useless to Luna. But that long oh-so-long ago. She was just so good...I mean she made my goat leg go numb. Apparently we were so loud that Celestia came to investigate. Let's just say that I stayed hard for the better part of a millennium. So she puts me in the castle courtyard, and flings Luna to the moon. I was insanely jealous of the moon. It was gonna be getting some for the next thousand years. Some wonder how she turned me to stone. No, it wasn't a spell of hers or the Elements of Harmony. She tied me down to the bed and fucked me with a cockatrice.

So how did we come to amicable terms upon my reforming? I clearly stated that we were over, and that I would continue to see Luna, and I highly suggested that she take tips from her younger sister, so that she can one day make an unwilling pony very awkward and uncomfortable. Other than that, I haven't really done anything significant yet. I think Celestia's still a bit mad. All I can do is bide my time and rail the sexiest mare in Equestria while I wait.

I hope this provided a good look into just how funny life here at the castle can be.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: The Return of Queen Chrysalis, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Lost Letters
The Return of Queen Chrysalis: Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, this mishap began with Appleblow, Sweetie Hell, and Scootalonely out in Fluttershy's backyard with all manner of woodland creatures, trying to get their cutie marks in hippology, which is the study of horses. Funny, I always thought the title of that was Rule 34. With no adult supervision whatsoever, they find themselves overwhelmed with animals.

So because glowing eyes are the least ominous thing to us, it takes us the better part of the day to realize that the populace has been replaced with Changelings. Retreating to the library, we immediately send a letter to you and basically get your answering machine. Pinkie gets us all stoned, which gives us the perfect changeling appearance. We make our way to the town pavilion, which is basically hive central. You know, because of the glowing green coming out of the windows. Confronting the changelings inside, do we come up with a good plan like only fighting ourselves? No. Rarity gives Pinkie's mane a beautifying treatment, and then treats her clones like last year's fashion line. Because clearly, nothing motivates her more. We weren't making enough progress, so Pinkie breaks out her Party Cannon, loaded with her Super-Sticky Double-Bubble Bubble Gum cake batter.

Say, where was your cake batter at the wedding, you junkie? We actually could've saved the day instead of having my brother and that slut wife of his stealing the spotlight. After releasing all the captured ponies, Fax Machine burps up a crystal globe, revealing that Queen Chrysalis had somehow hacked into him and gained remote access. She gives us three days to walk into a trap to rescue the three village idiots.

So instead of negotiating, you know, with the dozens of captured changelings we have, we put Spike in charge of harassing you until he gets a response, and we set off on a cross-country voyage to save the three fillies who would honestly be better off dead.

Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Discord's New Business

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
DISCORD'S NEW BUSINESS

Sensing that there wasn't much he could do around the castle without either annoying Celestia, making Luna moan with lust, or sometimes both, Lord of Chaos Discord decided to form a new business venture.

“I noticed that Pegasi have flying stunt shows with the Wonderbolts and such, and unicorns have duels and magic acts, and I came to the realization that Earth ponies don't really have a unique form of entertainment. So that's something I set out to rectify.”

Two months ago, Discord created Equine Wrestling Entertainment, or the EWE. He invited Earth ponies of all backgrounds, regardless of Cutie Mark, to come and train to become professional wrestlers. Shows were filled with 1 on 1 matches, and tag team matches. Add in the flair and pyrotechnics of the wrestler's entrances, and it became a smash hit with all races of ponies.

“We've even got ponies who are coming to us from entirely unrelated career paths. We've got the Rated R Gardener, Hedge. We've got the former basement designer, The Undermaker. Even the former Awesome Porn Star, The Jizz. It's a great lineup, and I can't wait to see how far we can go with this.”

But when it got big enough, the EWE inevitably got its critics.

“I now hear all the time, that pro wrestling is fake, that it doesn't hurt and that we're nothing more than glorified stunt ponies. To all the neighsayers out there, I say this; you don't fake gravity. My ponies go out there week in, week out until they can't do it anymore. They are fantastic athletes, and I'll continue to schedule shows as long as it brings in the bits.” Discord offered.

Addendum: Twilight Sparkle got in contact with us just before the printing of this issue, and claimed that you could indeed, fake gravity.

Author's Note

Yeah, this isn't Part 2 of the Chrysalis comic. That's still in-progress. This was sudden inspiration and I had to do it.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Summer Sun Celebration

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

SUMMER SUN CELEBRATION

Dear Princess Celestia,

So the Summer Sun Celebration is rapidly approaching, and I wanted to tell you how excited I am for it. After that whole mess with Nightmare Moon, Ponyville's first celebration went off so well that they're getting it again this year. I wanted to know if there's anything I can do to help. Preparing for this event is no small task. Thanks, and I hope to hear from you!

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Spike,

Twilight is heading up the Summer Sun Celebration, so I'm not really the one to ask. I imagine if she doesn't have enough volunteers, she would force the work onto you, or brainwash more ponies into helping her.

Regards,
Princess Celestia

Dear Spike,

I know you said you could attend any event you wanted that was not considered 'official', but I'm afraid there's been a change. Since my coronation, any royal event in Ponyville automatically falls under my jurisdiction. Celestia had things set up separately before, but since it's a Ponyville event again, it's going to work by my No Non-Equines Policy. This is a non-discriminate action. I will be removing Cranky from the event as well.

Sorry, but please do not try to show to the event. You will be turned away at the door.

-Twilight

Twilight,

So I suppose that's why you haven't been enlisting my help in preparing, huh? Because you don't want to feel obligated to let me participate in the festivities? The one time I actually WANT to help you, you turn me away because you don't want me at your event?

Have you created a machine that runs on dragon tears, and are looking to collect a fuel source?

Fuck you, your Royal Bitchness

To Spike,

I know that tolerating Twilight can be...difficult at times, but if you're looking for something to do on the night of the SSC, might I recommend a EWE show? We're coming to Ponyville on the same night. We're gonna have some of your favorite superstars there, like Macho Mare Candy Savage, and the most electrifying chef in all of entertainment, The Wok.

I imagine, given your experience, you would enjoy seeing ponies beating the crap out of each other. So I have enclosed two VIP backstage passes for you and Cranky, both for Buckdown and Monday Night Dawww.

Hope to see you there!

Sincerely,
Discord
EWE General Manager

Author's Note

Comments complaining about hiatus status will be removed. Enough said.

Anniversary Bonus Chapter: Letters to Twilight

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Anniversary Bonus Chapter
Letters to Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Do you even lift?

Signed,
Rainbow87dash

Dear Rainbow87dash,

I don't need to lift. I can lift with my mind. Any other fucking stupid questions you want to ask me? My time is even more damned valuable now that I'm royalty.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Now that you are a princess, what is your stance on illegal immigration? I've noticed a lot of foreign races who can just waltz right into the kingdom. Among these being griffons, cows, donkeys, mules, and the diamond dogs. Also, Equestrian Air Space appears to allow dragons to fly right overhead by the hundreds where they might be able to incinerate the kingdom with a bombardment of fire breath.

I sincerely hope you'll do better at National Security than Princess Celestia did.

Sincerely, a concerned unicorn citizen,
Epic Quest

To my faithful subject Epic Quest,

While I am flattered at what you believe has happened since I have been promoted, sadly, I have no say on National Security. My domain is Ponyville, but should you choose to move here, rest assured that while these lowly races may appear bothersome, they do have their uses. While I haven't seen a griffon since Gilda left two years ago, I'd be more than willing to partake in some target practice if I ever see one again. Cows are valuable only for their boobs and the milk in them. Donkeys and mules do the heavy cart pulling that would otherwise be given to those filthy dirt-loving earth ponies. Apparently, the only thing you need to do to keep dogs away is whine like a bitch. They seem to hate that.

As for your concern of dragons, the great dragon migration to Tamriel was indeed a worrisome time. I was not worried about being incinerated, rather I was concerned about being shat on by one of those passing fuckheads.

So I recommend you direct your security complaints to the Sun Bitch herself. Thank you for your time.

-Twilight

So...Twilight,

Ever think of looking to...other species for that special release you've been craving?

If you know what I mean.

Sincerely,
Jioplip

Dear Bitchy McBitchybitch,

I was wondering when you could come to our world so I could rape your bitch ass and send you crying to Celestia?

With love,
Stirred Brew

Dear Princess Twilight,

If you can't get the satisfaction you crave from ponies, then might I suggest finding yourself a human instead? Lots of endurance means more satisfaction.

And it just so happens that I know a guy who can help: Me. I mean, come on, have you seen the crap I write about you?!

Your loyal servant,
GeodesicDragon

Dear Princess Twilight,

Have you ever considered a portal to another world as the answer to your problems? Maybe you just need a nice relaxing (and sex filled) vacation away from those bubling ponies that can't seem to trot five steps without getting into trouble.

Sincerely yours,
SuperPinkBrony12

P.S. If you want me to screw you then I'll do so but you'd better use protection. And you should make sure no one finds out about it. But that's a big if.

Dear Jioplip, Stirred Brew, GeodesicDragon, and SuperPinkBrony12,

I'm sorry. I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. Special release? How about you try ANY release! And from your collective inter-dimensional correspondence, I'll assume that Jioplip means humans, as the rest of you do.

And to all of you, I say; are you fucking kidding me? I'm not sure what species you guys are, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't know the chance your taking when you try to love one of those...bipeds.

First off, have you seen how small the genitalia of the males are? I doubt I'd get any special OR normal release from them pounding me...even if they managed to last longer than 20 seconds, which I sincerely doubt.

Secondly, even if I lowered myself to engaging in intercourse with those disgusting creatures, protection is not a concern. The differing number of chromosomes make impregnation impossible.

The crap you write about me, Geodesic? You'd better hope that none of it finds it way into this dimension.

Lastly, I don't think they could handle the flawless sexual prowess that is my body. Hell, if they even saw a provocative picture of me they'd probably blow their load everywhere.

So in short, no. No humans.

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

So...you're an alicorn now. You have the best of all three pony races. What was that about unicorn superiority?

Sincerely,
asmcint

Dear asmcint,

Unicorns who became alicorns are still superior to pegasi who became alicorns. Simply because we have to put more effort into it. Pegasi have to grow only one extra penis out of their forehead; we have to push TWO wings out of our backs.

Hope that answers your question.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you don't like the zegro, why don't you kill her? I doubt anyone would notice, and that way you could have one less minority around.

Your suggestive slave,
DeadlyArbitero

Dear DeadlyArbitero,

Zecora has her uses. To me, the most important thing is she brews up some seriously good shit. Not to worry. She knows her place. If she ever gets uppity, I have ways of making her fall back in line.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Since you have the magical prowess of an alicorn demigod, why not use it to get a well-deserved hot piece of flank? Or just use your powers to summon your own, er...pleasure assistant?

Sincerely,
Admiral Hoofsome

To Admiral Hoofsome,

Not to worry. I have my eyes set on five particular pleasure assistants of mine. I'm actually expecting them soon.

And the thought of me making love to myself is...well, somewhat arousing at times, but I'd prefer to have somepony do it that's not an apparition that will vanish when not needed. I'd rather it be a real pony who will forever know what an amazing lover I can be.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Use your authority to “order” several guards to assist you with that release you crave.

Sincerely,
Leech

Dear Leech,

Unfortunately, I have not yet had my own detachment of guards assigned to me. There are still only the Solar Guards and the Night Watch. But I will keep that in mind, my faithful subject.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Fuck you. That's for the time you turned me into a fucking dildo, you heartless jezebel.

Signed,
Go fuck yourself

Dear Go fuck yourself,

So I'm guessing it wasn't good for you too? Well gosh, that's a shame.

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Have you ever considered joining the EWE?

Sincerely,
Joey

Dear Joey,

No. Physical contact sports aren't really my thing. Besides, while Pegasi are welcome to join with restrained wings during matches, Discord has forbidden all unicorns for safety reasons.

Besides, I don't think I could come up with a fitting ring name.

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

If you've ever been able to get your hooves on a stallion or two, do you prefer to spit or swallow?

Signed,
Eager to please

Dear Eager to please,

Are you crazy? I'm not gonna swallow! I just got promoted to royalty. I don't want that to come to an end by getting pregnant!

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Hm, princess. Enjoying the title, or is it just another bland addition to what you've already got (Element of Magic, etc, etc)? I suppose that one could say the position's really difficult, but hey, princesses do what princesses want.

A shame you're still stuck in the boonies, but on the bright side, there's no one around to challenge you, at least no one that can walk away afterwards.

Good luck finally getting some, and have fun with the SSC.

Your Casual Bystander,
~Kailandi

P.S.
Maybe you should get a hobby or something. I hear Discord has a blast trolling Celestia, why not get in on some of that? I'm sure Luna might be willing to lend a hoof as well.

Dear Kailandi,

My official title is now the Princess of Magic. Yes, correct, I do what I want.

As long as I've been living in and tolerating this place, it's about damn time I was put in charge of it.

Yes, I am hoping the SSC goes well too, but Discord's EWE show is stealing some of my attendees. I'm honestly not surprised. These hicks love to see fake fights.

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight:

Have you considered a brothel as an option? It would certainly be easier than trying to fuck ponies off the street and failing miserably.

Or maybe Cloud Kicker would be willing to service you, since she's already fucked one Princess.

Yours truly,
Silver Dust

Dear Silver Dust,

Who says I haven't tried brothels? I mean, just because I didn't write it in a damn letter to Celestia?

Apparently, I'm too depressing to even pay for sex.

You want to know what I think? I think trying to get a princess off makes those whore ponies too nervous, and it affects their performance.

Whatever, I have plans for my friends. Don't you worry.

Sincerely,
Twilight

Author's Note

Thanks for writing these in, everypony! And as always, thanks for reading! It's been one heck of a year with all of you!!!

Anniversary Bonus Chapter: The Cupcake Chronicles

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Anniversary Bonus Chapter
The Cupcake Chronicles

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, apparently Pinkie Pie has been butchering ponies down in the basement of Sugar Cube Corner for months now. That's...not surprising at all.

What? She's been doing every single drug known to ponydom! Why the fuck is the town so shocked that she'd do something like this?

So because Applejack had made a date with Rainbow Dash to have some apple pie, which would no doubt lead to lovemaking, she became worried when her rainbow slut didn't come calling. She started asking all around town, and just happened to be passing Sugar Cube Corner when she heard Rainbow scream. Freaking out because she thought Pinkie was giving her one hell of a orgasm, she rushed into the basement and kicked Pinkie into a table for ruining her night. She rushed Rainbow to the hospital because she didn't want to fuck a corpse.

So one of the hospital staff gets a message out to the rest of us. I can't believe I had to get up at 3 in the morning, because I REALLY CARE what happens to that lespony. But she can't fly anymore, so at least fellow Pegasi are safe from her sexual predation. That's a good thing I suppose. So the next morning, we're finally let into her room. To be honest, she looked kinda pathetic. If she was on life support, I probably would've pulled the plug.

So then she wakes up and realizes she can't fly, does a little crying, and then we're told to let her rest. So I thought that I could finally get back to the library for some peace. Nope. Rarity wants me to set up a meeting with you so she can set up a meeting with the Wonderbolts so she can make a present for Rainbow Dash. Yep. You heard that right. Someone I don't care about wants me to set up a meeting with someone I don't care about, so she can make a present for someone I don't care about.

You know what she ended up making? A fucking hoodie. I didn't know Equestria's copyright laws were that strict. But I did think it was deliciously cruel. It was like she wanted to remind her of her dream that she wasn't ever going to be able to fulfill now. Ingenious! No wonder her heart is so cold; it's probably encrusted with jewels.

So still wanting to get some, Applejack offers Rainbow a place to stay.

That's another thing. Rainbow Dash is mutilated to within an inch of her life, and she's let out of the hospital in THREE days? Give me a fucking break! I know Pegasi don't heal that fucking quickly. I just think AJ bribed some of the hospital staff so she could get a torture victim alone in bed.

So a few nightmares, traumatized fillies, and swims later, Rainbow decides that she can suddenly run a marathon. What's more? She wins. So this town is really out of shape. I mean, everypony lost to a pony who had part of her leg eaten. I need to organize a fat camp, as soon as possible, because that's just sad.

So as more days pass, Rainbow starts feeling sorry for the pony who tried to bake her into cupcakes. She comes to talk to me, and tells me that she thinks that it's all her fault because it all started with planning her surprise birthday party. Actually, that sounds pretty accurate. So good job, Rainbow Dash. You are responsible for the deaths of a dozen ponies. Hope that makes you feel better. Oh, nope. It didn't. Now she has this idea of taking our shitty fountain in the middle of town and making it more shitty by dedicating it to the victims of Pinkie. Then Mrs. Cake decided she was sick and tired of taking care of a dead serial killer's pet, so she dumped him off on Rainbow.

Sometime after the fountain's dedication, Applejack was having trouble making the first move. So she waited for Rainbow to after a long day of work. There they were, just sitting on the dock, and then bam. Kiss. Are you fucking kidding me? No buildup, no nothing! Then they ran back to the farmhouse and made love. I hear that no one makes love better than a torture victim.

Then just they're moving past it all, Luna shows up and gives Rainbow Dash the journal that Pinkie had kept. This made her sick. Oh joy. Great job, Luna.

So the next day, Applejack and Rainbow do a delivery to a grocer, and apparently he doesn't like doing business with ponies whom he can't force his right wing Celestian beliefs on. Rainbow precedes to shatter his front window, and the townsfolk take Rainbow's side as she ushers in a new age of equality for all ponies and all that stupid crap.

After his business suffers, Rainbow refuses Marty's apology, and proceeds to have another fuckfest with Applejack in the orchard, which Pinkie's ghost crashes. All of Ponyville is rocked by an earthquake. Thankfully that shitty fountain was reduced to rubble. After consulting Zecora, who told us to consult the 'good' Pinkie, we finally had our key; we had to destroy the journal of Tom Ridd- err, I mean Pinkie.

So after all that, Rainbow gets her wings back as Pinkie's good half vanishes. Happy fucking ending, whoopty-fuckin' doo. So now they've dragged me along to do a year's worth of shows with the Wonderbolts. I imagine that at the end of every night they two of them had fillyfooler sex.

Lucky cunts. Why can't I ever get that lucky?

Your former student giving sex advice to a redneck,
Twilight Sparkle

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Are You A Spy?

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
ARE YOU A SPY?

Controversy is sweeping across Equestria in light of a widespread surveillance program, revealed by a Pegasus whistleblower by the name of Flash Sentry.

Sentry gave his name freely to the Foal Free Press along with hundreds of documents relating to Project PRISM, or Princesses Ruthlessly and Intrusively Spying on Mail. Since revealing this surveillance program, Flash Sentry has since fled Equestria. There have been reported sightings of him in Hoof Kong's international chariot terminal. It is heavily rumored that he is looking to flee to Horsecow.

“This is a disturbing invasion of privacy, and Equestrians should be holding their government accountable.” Sentry said in a statement to the FFP.

The Foal Free Press has learned that Sentry has been in touch with countries that may grant him asylum. He hopes that Gilda, the newly appointed ambassador for Griffondor can convince the country's leadership to give him safe passage. Other reports claim he was last seen jumping into a mirror in the Crystal Castle to evade arrest.

“Mr. Sentry is a traitor, has severely compromised our national security, and thus put Equestrian lives at risk.” said Crystal Princess Cadance, claiming PRISM is essential to preventing terrorist attacks on domestic soil.

While some are calling for Sentry's head on charges of treason, others find themselves on the other side of the fence.

“Sentry is a national hero. Project PRISM is a direct assault on our rights of free speech and privacy.” Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie claimed.

Yet among this controversy, some remain completely indifferent.

“The Princesses can spy on my mail all they want. All they'll find is spa invoices and a monthly subscription to Playmare,” stated Rarity as she passed on her way to Carousel boutique.

Equestria Girls

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Equestria Girls

Dear Princess Celestia,

You sure know how to put on a Princess Summit. First, make everyone come up north instead of going to the center of the country. Then, have a grand entrance for me, complete with a trumpet fanfare, and then proceed to tell everypony to go to bed thirty seconds later. What was this summit for anyway? Am I finally going to get a proper place to rule over instead of the Kingdom of Suck?

Also, thank you so much for putting Rainbow Dash and Applejack together in the same room. Thank you for making it right next to mine. All they did was rail each other all night. I couldn't get to sleep because I couldn't control my wingboner. I knew I was out of luck because Fax Machine wouldn't be able to get me off either. Useless dragon.

I've also got to hand it to Cadance on the fabulous security she has here. I mean, we've got every single ruler of Equestria sleeping under one roof, and there's only one guard patrolling the halls. I'd hate to see what would happen if somepony snuck in under a cardboard box or something.

So after I finally get to sleep, somepony sneaks in and takes my crown right off the night stand, replacing it with one of those cardboard ones from the Hay King filly meals. They probably would've gotten away with it if Fax Machine didn't sprawl out over the edges of his bed. So we give chase, and I manage to tackle her at ta dead end. Except it's not a dead end. The crown goes through the mirror, and the thief promptly goes after it. Instead of following her and solving this thing right away, I had to first go get you and find out what the hell was going on.

So hold on a minute. Let's back the fuck up here. This thief, Sunset Shimmer, was your student right before me? I'm...I'm just sloppy seconds? And instead of running off to some backwater town of hicks when she finally gets sick of your shit, she crosses over into an alternate plane of existence?

Why didn't I think of that?

So now I have to go after her, because nopony had the foresight to make a useless replica of my crown stictly for ceremonial purposes. And I have to go alone, of course. I can't force my friends along in case I need a meat shield or two. Nope, we have to be careful not to “upset the balance” of this other world. Doesn't anypony want to screw up the balance of another realm just once? Just to see what happens? No?

That's what's wrong with all of you. You have no sense of fun when it comes to inter-dimensional crises.

So I go through the mirror portal, and because my slave conditioning worked so well that he has no purpose without his mistress, Spike follows me shortly after. When I come to, I discover that Spike has turned into a dog, and I...have transformed into a hornless, wingless, magicless, purple-skinned, bi-pedal, anorexic marketing ploy. What. The. Fuck.

After testing the integrity of the doors with my face, I head inside, and discover that the portal has dropped me off at a school. It doesn't take long to discern that this Canterlot High is an alternate plane of Equestria. There's even been a dictator running this school for over a millennium, no doubt after wrestling control away from the Marching Band director and turning him to stone.

The first of my anthropomorphized friends I run into is Fluttershy, who managed to take the crown and give it to Principal Celestia before Sunset Shimmer returned. After visiting with the principal, I realized I would need to compete for the title of Princess of the Fall Formal, and who is in charge of signing people up? Why Pinkie Pie of course. Yeah, their names are exactly the same. So either this world is a direct parallel of Equestria, or humans are as screwed up at naming as we ponies are. Pinkie gave me a clipboard to fill out for the competition. Did you know she has pens stashed all over the school in case of pen emergencies? Then Applejack and her brother come in with the cider for the formal. If it is anything like her cider in Equestria, then this school has a serious problem.

From talking with some of them, I begin to realize that there is some obvious tension between these versions of my friends. But in order to secure votes for Princess, I can't worry about them. So in order to blend in better, I head to the library to find out more about their society. That was an adventure all its own. The books were alright, and tasted pretty good too, but once I found this place called the Internet...just...there are very few words to describe the horrors I discovered. For example, did you know in this world, there are adults who watch cartoons for little girls? How twisted is that? I bet there are even some freaks out there that sexualize it or their pleasure. And don't even get me started on these pages called “social networking sites.” It enables even the stupidest, most uninformed people to spread their worthless, meaningless opinions. I even gave Spike's mechanical counterpart in this world a try. Sure, it was a little bright, not to mention considerably bigger, but at least it didn't talk back. I don't have to keep it fed either. I'm totally taking this thing back through the portal.

So I'm at that all day, and then I realized that I didn't have a place to stay for the night. But for once, it seemed that Fax machine actually managed to accomplish something, perhaps because he feared for his single purpose in life. Since there were no security cameras, and the physical security was even more terrible than Cadance's, he constructed a bed made entirely of books. I then delve into a yearbook, and realize that when they first came to school here, that my five friends were at one point friends with each other. What could have driven them apart, and more importantly, could I also emulate those conditions back in Equestria?

But that's not the best part. That night, laying there alone, I discovered the best part of being a human. The things that I could do with these fingers! They were SO much better than hooves. When I get back home, I'm going to try to create a spell that gives me these babies every night. I will never need anypony ever again.

So the next morning, I get up determined to pass as a popular human in high school. I figured it would be easy; just put out. Spike seemed surprised that I made a list, that it was so unlike me. You're right Spike. It is unlike me, because I usually make you do it! But as I walked the halls, all they did was laugh at me. I was clueless until Rarity dragged me into a classroom and attempted to disguise me to no avail. My other friends came in and recognized me instantly, much to Rarity's annoyance. Pinkie showed me an online video showing Sunset narrating my admittedly humorous attempts at adapting to this new body. I could not believe she was starting to use political attack ads on me! Then as they started arguing with each other again, I was able to break it up and determine that Sunset Shimmer had split my friends up, and separated the student body into easily-controlled cliques, which is how she remained intimidating and relatively unopposed.

In short, that bitch is fucking brilliant. If she didn't steal from me we'd probably be best friends. I wonder if she's any good in bed. But first I'd have to find out if she's a fillyfooler, or whatever they're called in this world. There was certainly no shortage of them on the Internet, I'll tell you that much.

So we had to restore my image. But first I had a great idea for some potentially hilarious fun. Since we determined that Sunset Shimmer was behind all the feuds, Applejack and Rainbow included, I convinced AJ to make up. I figure this could end in one of two ways; one good , one bad, and both end up with the two of them rolling around on the field.

So as they talked, I was honestly expecting Bad Outcome: Catfight on the Soccer Field. But then they hugged, so I figured were were headed towards Good Outcome: Make Up and Make Out. But then I realized this place was a perfect mirror of Equestria because they weren't romantically involved at all. Sucks. I was hoping for a show. But they just hugged and that was it. So before she agrees to help, Rainbow challenges me to a soccer game. I wish I had my magic, because I would have totally kicked her ass. But it turns out she just wanted to test my determination. So then we go to some place called Starbucks. We didn't have to go far, seriously, they're on every corner. After spilling my drink on that cutie Flash, Rarity reveals that he was Sunset's ex, and had broken up with her several weeks prior. So I'm guessing she's not that great in bed. Oh come on, like it could be anything else? Guys only have their minds on one thing in this world. It's the exact same thing they have their minds on back home. Still, if he wanted to get in bed with me, I probably wouldn't object. He does resemble Shining Armor, after all.

So we begin to debate on how to win the students over. Rarity sees this as a perfect opportunity to hock some of her merchandise. She must make a killing at conventions. So overnight, we planned, wrote, and choreographed the catchiest song ever. The next day, the cafeteria crowd absolutely ate it up. That damn song is going to be stuck in my head for hours.

So Sunset's next move was to show off her amazing Photoshop skills, trying to make it look like I trashed the gym. Seriously. Security cameras. They do wonders. Luckily Flash was still looking to get in my skirt, because he gathered evidence from the library trash, clearing my name. Unfortunately, because of the vandalism, the Formal was bumped up to the night after the portal closed. So I panicked, making Flash think I rejected him. I go to my friends, revealing that I'm a namby pamby pony princess. Well, actually, Pinkie said all that. They were surprisingly cool with it. Honestly it wasn't the way I would have revealed my true form. If I had it my way, I would have gotten Flash in bed, things would get hot and heavy, then when everything was said and done, I'd lean in close and whisper in his ear, “You just fucked a pony.”

So we go back to the gym, where Pinkie laments about her lack of a party cannon. In hindsight, I probably could have gone back through the portal, gotten pony Pinkie's cannon and brought it to the gym. So after hitting Fluttershy in the head with a broom, we set to work. Pretty soon, we had half of the school helping. Once we're all set up, Principal Celestia applauds us on saving the school's budget from cleanup costs. So on their way out, everyone casts their votes, and we all go to slut ourselves up.

So the dance begins, and on my way in, Flash asks me again for a dance. He must really want some. I'll lead him on a bit, but I'm already in a relationship. With my fingers.

Everything goes smoothly up until I am given the crown and title of Fall Formal Princess. Snips and Snails proceed to snatch Spike and run outside, where Sunset is waiting by the portal with a sledgehammer. She demands the crown, or threatens to smash the portal. I don't really see how that would have been possible. I think all she would have accomplished is cracking somepony's skull on the other side. Which, honestly, would be hilarious.

So I figure I have two options: 1. Track down my human counterpart in this world, kill her, and hide the body. I proceed to forget about Equestria and live life as a human. 2. Rush Sunset and go through the portal, shattering the mirror on the other side.

Ah, but then there's the hidden third option: be a fucking hero, recklessly toss the crown around and accidentally throw it right to Sunset. She puts it on and transforms into a demon. Personally, I loved that part. “I'm not a monster, Twilight,” she said. Two minutes later, monster. She brainwashes the student body and reveals her true plan: to invade Equestria with her teenage army.

Really...? Because I'd love to watch her do that. She seriously thinks that 50 teenagers can help her conquer Equestria? I'm sure you and Luna have never encountered the unstoppable power of acne and body odor. So go ahead. I'll go get popcorn. If I were a true human I'd be insulted. She wants to conquer another world instead of the human one. Guess what bipeds? That means your world sucks pretty bad.

But then again, why should I let her carry out what would probably be remembered as the most hilarious attack on Equestria? Why not kick her bitch ass right now? Sure, you have teens and fireballs. But now behold the power of pony ears, horns, wings, and hair extensions! Wait...wait, what? No horns? Ah fuck that shit.

I'd actually love to know what the Elements of Harmony actually do. Because that's the second time in my memory where someone got blasted with it then emerged in remorseful tears. Also, how do you control what they do? When you used them, they turned Sombra to shadow, encased Discord in stone, and shot your sister to the moon. When we've used them, two times out of three we've only managed to perform exorcisms. Is there a switch on this thing I'm not seeing? Do the Elements do the judging themselves? Do they see if they can remove someone's bitterness and jealousy, and if not, THEN decides to unleash the rainbow buttsex laser? Anyways, I figured since the human counterparts to my friends were pretty much the same, that the greatest punishment would be to leave Sunset with them.

So now that we have six pony human hybrids, and a demolished entrance to the school, guess what we do next? Fuck yeah, time to go back inside and finish the fucking dance! Let's boogey the night away and forget all about the fate of the world hanging in the balance there five minutes ago. When you get set to leave the dance, please watch your step, as there is a crater where the front walk used to be.

After I say my goodbyes, I make my way back through the portal. Sunset, you are in for a world of hurt. When their government finds out what happened, they're going to abduct you and experiment to see if they can harness your demon powers for their military. All in the name of freedom and all that shit.

So all in all, thanks for that little departure, Princess. It was nice to see a version of you where you didn't fool everyone into thinking you control night and day. Although I did some research on the Internet when I was there. Did you know there's something called religion? I'm gonna start making religions here in Equestria, because it's pretty much the easiest way to start hilarious fights where absolutely nothing is accomplished.

Your soon-to-be Jesus Pony former student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Derpy

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Horse Zimmerman Emerges From Hiding

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
HORSE ZIMMERMAN EMERGES FROM HIDING

Fresh drama ensued today, as Horse Zimmerman, not seen since his exit from the courtroom just over a week ago, emerged from hiding to rescue a family from an overturned chariot outside of Mareami.

“Let me guess, he should have stayed in his vehicle, right?” offered a sarcastic Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Horse Zimmerman, a pegasus, whom prosecutors charged with the murder of earth pony Hayvon Martin last February, was recently acquitted of said charges in a widely publicized trial. In wake of the verdict, protests have broken out across Equestria, demanding changes to “stand your ground” laws, which are in place in over two-thirds of the nation.

Defenders of Zimmerman said he was just doing his job as neighborhood watch. Protesters believe that the killing was racially motivated, and that Zimmerman was told by royal guards to stay in his carriage.

But we here at the Foal Free Press believe in delivering to you, our readers, the facts and only the facts. When we offer our opinion, we do not disguise it as the truth. That's right; we're not like the rest of the biased media.

The problem here is that far too many ponies refuse to see the middle ground here. Horse Zimmerman was certainly no saint, but you're fooling yourself if you believe Hayvon was. Regardless of where you stand, he was a hero for rescuing those innocent victims in the chariot crash today.

But at the end of the day, as long as these protests remain peaceful, all is well. Because at least there's one thing everypony can agree on:

That Al Clopton needs to shut the buck up. Ten more ponies were killed in Fillinois today. You don't see him getting all uppity about that, now do ya?

Author's Note

Yeah, Fillinois. I scratched my head raw trying to ponify Chicago. Al Clopton took me 20 minutes as it was.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Bandwagon

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

Dear Princess Celestia,

Button's mom has got it going on.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Canterlot Shutdown

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
Canterlot Shutdown

The moon is stuck high in the sky, and yet it is eleven o'clock in the morning. Such is the most recognizable effect of the government shutdown in Canterlot.

After failing to reach an agreement on the budget for the next fiscal year, Princesses Celestia and Luna left the throne room just after midnight, and retired to their respective quarters. Much of the stalemate is due to Luna's new healthcare act, which would provide all of Equestria with access to affordable healthcare. Before slamming her door shut, Celestia was also heard mumbling something about refusing to dress up as a banana.

When asked to comment on the political debacle, Ponyville's Princess Twilight Sparkle offered the following:

"Ugh. Affordable healthcare act? Please. You want to know my version of affordable healthcare? Here you go. If you get sick and you're not a unicorn, go find one, and offer him or her a happy ending in return for a quick healing spell. Bam. Healthcare."

On the eve of a financial crisis, Celestia and Luna finally agreed to sign a temporary agreement that would allow them to continue taking our money, while not communicating, and continuing to ignore each other for approximately another four months.

What we at the Foal Free Press find most curious about this shutdown is even though they stopped doing their jobs, we are still paying the sun and moon taxes. Why the fuck were we still giving you money if you weren't using it for what it was supposed to be used for?

Up north, surprisingly unaffected by this, is Princes Cadance at the Crystal Empire.

"When the moon stopped moving I just cast my magical shield where everything looks normal again. I've got enough problems up here without those two dumbass sisters not getting along. You have to be very careful with power. Very, extremely careful. Just the other day, I saw a pair of ponies arguing in the streets, so I cast my love spell. Well, now I've got a case of incest on my hooves because another brother and sister are rutting each other. It's hard enough keeping Twilight away from my husband. All in all, some days, having Discord back in power sounds like a pretty favorable idea."

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 2

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

So I see that one thousand years ago, your sister really enjoyed the three whole minutes of her coup. At least she got one good hit in. What amazed me is that you actually managed to defeat her. What, you didn't have a group of ponies back then to do your dirty work? Another dose of sweet dragon seed showed me how you defeated Discord, and where the Elements of Harmony came from; a tree. Figuring that we needed to find this tree to get to the bottom of this invasion, we set off into the Everfree Forest.

After a close call with a crackidile, my five friends finally started to realize how important I am. They decided to send me back to Ponyville. While I initially thought that I'd enjoy a good tentacle raping along with the rest of the town, Discord made me realize that they were just trying to take the credit for themselves. That was unacceptable. Spike climbed a tree to spot my friends, while some flytraps surrounded me and started spraying me with an aphrodisiac to prepare me for some sweet violating. They were just about to devour me when my friends had to come and ruin the fun. Sucks, because I was about to have the worst fan fiction experience ever.

So after finding the tree, I realized we had to return the Elements of Harmony for it to survive. Since AJ was keen to point out that it was the Elements that brought us together, I figured that the only thing better than some plant sex would be the possibility that we'd start to drift apart without the Elements. So once all the vines dissolve, what do we find? That you and your damn sister were down here the entire time taking advantage of the vines, making all of us do the work. So the tree sprouts up some kind of chest with six keyholes, so now we have to go key hunting. Luna could help us with that. I'm sure she's tracked down a lot of keys in those games of hers.

So now, we exit the forest to a celebration from Discord, who immediately takes notice of the lack of gold necklaces. I tell you, Fluttershy must be a friend with benefits, because all she had to do was threaten him with their friendship to get him to drop his train of thought. Then, he gave me some more semen, and it was revealed that he planted the seeds a millennium ago right before being turned to stone.

So after incriminating himself, is he punished? Oh no. We'd have to have some kind of judicial system for that to work. Nope, he's just going to go on his merry way. That gives me an idea. Hey! My five friends! I'm reformed! So you can stop hating me and looking at me like that. Everything's all better now all of a sudden! Now we can all go back up to Canterlot and you can watch me fart out a magical gas shaped like my cutie mark in midair.

Celestia, this is like the third time I've saved your ass. I want some damn hazard pay.

Zecora, keep that cum coming.

Your cum-guzzling former student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Pfft. Yeah right. We sent Twilight away because we actually wanted to save Equestria, and didn't want her to fuck it up, then we realized our mistake, because face it, she does serve as some excellent cannon fodder. And crackidile fodder as well. Teamwork is the best, because it puts other ponies in danger.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack

Castle Mane-ia

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Castle Mane-ia

Dear Princess Twilight,

What part of Princess of Ponyville do you not understand? You came up here for the Summer Sun Celebration, and that's it. I do not want you here in Canterlot. I don't care what kind of research you want to do on that chest. Now go do something productive.

Sincerely and annoyingly,
Princess Celestia of Equestria

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fine. I don't need access to your royal library, I just need ANY royal library. I seem to recall from that flashback that you flew away from that castle like a bitch after you sent your sister to the moon, so I dragged Spike through to the castle, and began searching through your castle library. I couldn't find any lanterns or canisters of oil to keep from going insane, so I had to stick with candles.

Well, before too long, we started hearing screaming and organs. Ended up being my fucking friends scaring the shit out of each other. It was particularly humorous to see Fluttershy thinking Angel got crushed. Shame that didn't happen for real.

My point is, if my friends still show up to annoy me in the middle of a forest in a supposedly haunted castle, how fucking far do I have to go to get some peace and quiet?

So once I get everypony calmed the fuck down, we gather in the secret room in the library. Rarity continues repairing the banner she's going to sell on the black market, Pinkie hopped around randomly while reminding AJ and Rainbow that they were still tied in their Most Daring Pony contest, and speaking of Rainbow, she wouldn't stop blaming something called "quick-time button presses" as the reason that one of the suits of pony armor fell on her.

So if you want to keep me out of Canterlot, maybe I'll just stop writing letters to you. I haven't decided yet. But maybe I'll start a collective diary with the other five, describing our experiences in figuring out how to unlock the mysterious chest.

If you ask me, it'll be an interesting read once we finally unlock it, and I bolt away with whatever's inside, leaving the others empty-hoofed.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Tell Discord I want that scepter back.

Dear diary,

Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to bring Fluttershy along for this trip. It's just that this is extremely important; going to an abandoned castle, where nopony has been in ages, get ancient fabric, restore it, then putting it back, where nopony will go for ages.

Clearly, she needed to be here.

-Rarity

Dear diary,

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring Angel along on this trip.

-Fluttershy

Dear diary,

I don't care what AJ throws at me. I'm going to win this dare competition and be on top.

...of the leaderboard.

-Rainbow Dash

Dear diary,

If Rainbow thinks she can scare me, she's got another thing coming. After all, I've walked in on my brother clopping.

...and my sister...

….and my granny...

...why the hay am I writing this down?

-Applejack

Dear diary,

-Pinkie Pie

Daring Don't

Daring Don't

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Daring Don't

Dear Diary,

You know the only thing worse than writing a Mary Sue story? Living your own Mary Sue story. So it turns out that the author of the Daring Do novels, A.K. Yearling, is in fact, Daring Do herself. It was really hard for ponies to realize it, what with the completely different coat, mane, and eyes, am I right?

At least she didn't think I was doing a really shitty cosplay of herself.

So all in all, it was a fun-filled day of watching Daring Do get the crap beat out of her, THEN going to help. That, and seeing that her leg heals insanely fast. She had that splint on for what, five minutes?

Then, when everything is said and done, I get an advance copy of the book, with myself on the cover! I hope I can handle all this increased fame without my friends getting pissed, kidnapping me, and turning me into a sex slave.

Rainbow Dash

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
FATE OF THE DARING DO SERIES UNCERTAIN

Adventure book lovers all over are waiting with abated breath to find out if recent legal proceedings will spell an end to the Daring Do novel series.

After realizing that their exploits were actually being written down and sold, treasure hunter Ahuizotl and archaeologist Dr. Caballeron are suing Daring Do author A.K. Yearling for use of their likenesses.

“We spend so much time out in the wild searching for untold riches, that we had no idea that our rival was taking our adventures and selling them for her profit. As this is infringing on our Rights of Publicity, we have taken action against Yearling. With royalties from those books, we hope to retire from this line of work.”

While Dr. Caballeron is hoping to retire, Ahuizotl is hoping to fulfill his lifelong dream of opening a protected habitat for endangered cats.

Power Ponies

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Power Ponies

Dear Diary,

This is precisely why Fax Machine isn't allowed to read.

Sincerely
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Diary,

My friends getting hurt, and captured isn't enough to make me angry.

A firefly getting flicked?

It is ON bitch!!!

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Mane-iac,

I don't know how you converted it into a ray of doom, but I would like my industrial strength hair dryer back. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Princess Vespa

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Thank you for your inquiry for commissions, but I'm afraid we cannot fulfill your requests for enchanted comic erotica at this time. We are currently being investigated for the disappearances for four fillies who bought the newest issue of The Revengers.

Sincerely,
Enchanted Comics

Dear Twilight,

If that's how Fluttershy reacts to a firefly getting swatted, I truly hope she doesn't find out anything about Firefly getting cancelled. If you could help keep her clueless, that'd be great. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Nathan Fillyon

Bats!

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Bats!

Dear Vampire Bats,

That's right. You can have the entire orchard, just not her big apple. Because clearly the prize money from one hick contest can sustain the farm for an entire season.

Sincerely,
Big Mac

Dear diary,

Wait a minute, Twilight's spell backfired?

We are all very clearly shocked.

-Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie

Dear Rainbow Dash,

We're sending you to Ciderholics Anonymous. You have a problem.

-Twilight

Dear Applejack,

Are you kidding me? I mean, I know you're a farmer and everything, but you'd hurt a teensy, little, harmful vampire bat? Really? Why you're just a great big meanie! There, I said it!

-Flutter~~shy~~bat

Dear Diary,

Hmm, this gives me an idea for a new book series. I'll take a reader poll to see who's on Team Applejack, and who's on Team Fluttershy. This will no doubt be as big as my Daring Do ~~biographies~~ novels.

-A.K. Yearling

Dear Royal Dawnguard,

Just west of Ponyville.

The cottage.

You're welcome.

-Applejack

-Fruit bat roundup fruit bat roundup
Let's finish our pest control cheer
Fruit bat roundup fruit bat roundup,
Flutterbat need stakes right here, she needs stakes right here!

Bats! (Addendum)

Author's Note

So this was the first chapter that I felt was rushed to the point of requiring a second attempt. A take two if you will.

Following chapters will not be so fast out of the gate.

Bats! (Addendum)

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Applejack and Fluttershy letters by Yinhuman

Bats! (Addendum)

Dear Diary,

So, it seems that for the second year in a row, Big Mac is unable to help with Applebucking Season. His excuse this time? Going with Granny Smith to check out their competition in the contest they've entered. Apparently, the winner gets a starring role on that new reality show, Buck Dynasty.

Anyway, to that I say, horseshit. More like Big Mac had a chiropractor appointment because he threw his back out boning that damn school teacher. I refuse to believe that this contest is so fucking important that Big Mac and Granny Smith think it's okay to leave Applejack to tend the farm alone during harvesting time. Because, you know, that worked so well last time.

But she barely even got started before discovering that the apples were rotten and dry, the culprits being vampire bats. Apples aren't the only victim; I hear vampires can make books pretty rotten and dry too. So Applejack wants to get rid of the bats, as is her right on her property, but Fluttershy wants AJ to pursue a more peaceful solution. Since AJ's part of the song was better, we all side with her. Mob mentality and all.

So with a little research, I decide to use a spell to force the vampire bats to stop eating all the apples, because once again, forcing animals to break from their natural habits worked so well last time. Turns out we accidentally turned Fluttershy into a vampire. Or is that a vampony? Eh, who the fuck cares. I finally have a legitimate excuse to drive a stake through one of my friends! Whoo! Wait, what? Oh, sure, now Applejack wants her friend back. She can be all merciless to the bats, but when it comes to the pony who wants to sacrifice part of her orchard? Nope!

So after forgetting every immobilization spell I knew, we simply stun Fluttershy still by showing her that ugly ass face of hers. Now that she's back to normal, Fluttershy's off to form PETA; Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I hear Applejack's planning a rival organization, FEMA; Famers for Evicting Murderers of Apples.

-Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Fluttershy,

Who carried you up a mountain, rounded up all the bunnies for your little census, sells you discount produce to feed all your billion pets, constantly steps between you and life threatening danger, practically feeds the town you live in, whose family MADE the town you live in based solely on the apples we produce, and is the most honest and dependable of ponies who happens to have made it abundantly clear that my orchard is my livelihood?

-AJ

Dear Applejack,

Screw you and everything you've ever done for me, migratory wildlife's right to destroy your life is more important than years of friendship, and the desires of my best friend / alicorn princess. Oh and the apple you've worked all season growing, only stopping to save my hide over and over again that looks delicious enough for me to eat? I've already proven that I'll eat a cake that's not mine; your super apple is toast.

-Fluttershy

Rarity Takes Manehattan

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Rarity Takes Manehattan

Dear Diary,

Fuck yes, field trip! Time to get out of this hellhole again! Apparently, Applejack isn't the only one trying to take advantage of MY slave labor. Rarity, I'll tell you the same thing I told her: get your own dragon.

So once we get into the city, our song somehow overtakes all of the hustle and bustle of the city. It really surprised us that Rarity had put Opal in the cutie mark business. Applejack can also apparently double as an apple jack. And you would think that a Princess of Equestria could get a cab when she needed one, but no. Rarity races off to meet and size up the competition, and by size up, I mean help one of them by giving them her one-of-a-kind fabric. Sometimes, she can really, really fail at being the superior race.

But then she started to redeem herself. She had made a sweatshop out of us in no less than 15 minutes. Quite impressive. Just wait until she expands to illegal immigrants and gains some weight. But I thought Fluttershy had a "freaky knowledge of sewin". If so, way to fuck up the machine. Eh, who knows, maybe she got distracted by an apple or something.

With her brand new fashion line, Rarity set off, while we proceeded to miss the musical we were dying to see, Avenue Q. After she notices we were missing from the show, she comes to her senses, and comes back to the hotel. By the way, way to be brutally honest, AJ. So she got us an exclusive showing of Avenue Q. I just wish Coco hadn't showed up at the end. It would have been nice to have her out of Ponyville for awhile, making it a bit more tolerable. But no, Rarity had to offer her the job.

And Rarity won that contest? Seriously?

Just goes to show that anypony can steal hotel items, but only she can make it look fabulous.

-Twilight

Dear Diary,

Are you sure Suri doesn't have a horn hidden away somewhere? Damn, what a bitch.

-Applejack

Dear Rarity,

Thanks again. I got you a little something. It's a spool of thread, that's a nice and proper thank you for such an incredible career-changing opportunity, right?

Sincerely,
Coco Pommel

Dear Coco Pommel,

Well, honesty's not my element, so I'm going to say yes.

Sincerely,
Rarity

Rainbow Falls

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Rainbow Falls

Dear Diary,

So this is what it feels like to have the spotlight completely taken out from under you. Now I know how Applejack feels. I can't believe they were willing to replace me with Derpy! How many other ponies were at the Reservoir Tornado? And they picked the one that nearly demolished town hall and dropped comical objects on a wheelchaired Twilight?

And I was amazed we were actually able to get Bulk signed up for tryouts. I guess Ms. Harshwhinny isn't having the Games tested for steroid use. Eh, whatever. At least they didn't put Dr. Stable on the medical staff. Probably would've diagnosed me with lazyitis when I feigned injury.

And what the hell is this pin Spitfire gave me? Am I a Wonderbolt now? Eh, maybe she's just developed a fetish for sticking things on my chest.

Last but not least, those wigs proved that only I can pull the rainbow mane off.

-Rainbow Dash

Dear fandom,

THE RUMORS OF MY DEMISE HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED.

Sincerely,
Derpy Hooves

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
OBITUARY

It is with heavy hearts that we here at the Foal Free Press must inform you that the Monarch of Public Indecency, Princess Molestia, passed away Friday at 3:00pm Eastern Equestria Time, after five months of battling a particularly deadly strain of plot cancer.

She is survived by her younger royal sister, Princess Gamer Luna, who has pledged to hold a 24-hour LAN party in honor of her sister's memory.

"While the Royal Plot ended up being her ultimate undoing, we are confident that it satisfied until the very end. As long as she lives on in our hearts, minds, and groins, Molestia will never truly be gone."

Author's Note

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn, and cross it deliberately."
- George Carlin

RIP 'Ask Princess Molestia'
Taken down Janurary 17th, 2014

Three's A Crowd

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Three's A Crowd

Dear Diary,

First off, Pinkie Pie, you owe me a new door. Secondly, you're lucky you didn't hurt Spike with said door. He needs to keep up with his chores. Thirdly, used patio furniture? Splendid! Perfect! They look like they'll go perfect with your used marehood!

So we see Fluttershy off on her train, and not five minutes later, we see Cadance's train coming down the opposite direction of the same track. I'm pretty sure there are no splits in the Ponyville track that soon, so what the hell happened to Fluttershy's train? The Crystal Express comes to a screeching halt, and Cadance disembarks, complete with horn fanfare and...FLASH?!?

Where the fuck have you been? You never write! I've been wanting you to bone me for months! And then you just smile at me and get back on the train? You fucking tease!

So after Cadance and I leave for the Starswirl Museum, Rainbow tells me that Discord made an entrance by flying into a tree. Also, apparently blue is the color of trouble. But Rainbow is also colored- wait, actually, that makes perfect sense. Too bad purple isn't the color of irresistible. So since Rarity didn't have a fainting couch on hoof, Pinkie Pie got a pile of luggage. No idea who it belonged to, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind Discord rubbing his flu all over it.

So, Discord came looking for Fluttershy, when he supposedly lives with her. He and Fluttershy write each other letters, when he supposedly lives with her. Because that totally makes sense. Hey Fluttershy, why don't you write letters to Celestia. I hear she has nothing to do all day since we've started this diary.

And Rainbow may love winning, and she may love her friends even more, but you know what she loves most? Being away from Discord. So after chasing Rainbow off, distracting Pinkie with a balloon, and giving the blue flu to AJ and Rarity, he of course finds Cadance and I. At least my sister-in-law had the foresight to cast a health bubble. We take him back to the library, put him to bed, and are about to be headed back when he gives us a song of what else he needs.

Most of it was useless, but can I borrow Louise the Singing Harp? I want to put it in Bon Bon's bed and trick her into thinking it's Lyra.

So he provides us a ridiculous flying chariot, and we fly all the way out to the southwestern edge of Equestria, where the flower he needs grows. Except its grown all the way into a tree by now. We uproot it, and bam! A huge worm creature. Fuck yes! TENTACLES!!! It looked like Cadance was going to get some first, and I couldn't let that happen. So I freed her, and it grabbed me, but I couldn't tell her to just let me be before she started shooting at it too. Oh well, I suppose not every single creature with tentacles isn't always interested in fucking your brains out. But it did give Discord exactly what he deserved; an actual sickness.

Serves you right for that hideous friendship necklace.

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Pinkie Pride

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Pinkie Pride

Dear Diary,

So today was Rainbow's birthiversary. I wondered how I could possibly top her last two birthdays. Two years ago, she got swimming lessons, and the year after that, she got a Daring Do book signed by A.K. Yearling. How was I going to top those?

As I began to ask for volunteers, the first one to speak up was a pony named Cheese Sandwich, who came into town and was all like, "Pinkie, everything you know is wrong." Another party-planning pony, he sang on and on about the various parties he had headlined. The party in the CIA sounded pretty impressive. Pretty soon, everypony forgot about my plans and went to help him with his. For a little bit, I tried other careers, but shortly decided to take my title back.

So I return to the site of the party and challenge Cheese to a Goof Off. We stared each other down and dared each other to one-up the other. Dare to be the goofiest. Dare to be the silliest. Dare to be stupid. Now that we each had our polka face on, we started to sing a complicated song. Cheese wasn't pulling any punches when he decided to ripoff my very own song! What, you think you're all clever just because you can make a parody of other ponies' songs? Puh-lease.

But I realized it had gone a little too far when I crushed Rainbow Dash with the...um...whatever that was. So I decided to forfeit, and pack up my things and go home. Then, the others apologized for getting so wrapped up in Cheese's party preparations and forgetting about me. Cheese also reveals that he got into planning parties because of me. So we decide to team up. While he went and made up a batch of his famous lasagna, I made another trip to the hardware store for some last-minute items. While we're on the subject of his food, I hope he eats more than cheese sandwiches. If so, he's bound to get fat sooner or later, and he'll have to go on a grapefruit diet.

But that huge balloon of Rainbow Dash? The spotlight and ice sculpture of her cutie mark? I mean, wow. I think Twilight's gonna need a new egometer when Dash's readings break her current one.

Right before leaving town, I was thrilled that Cheese spent one more minute to give me his cock. Twilight is gonna be super jealous.

So here's to you, Cheese Sandwich. It's been just a little less lively here since you've been gone. Thanks for the leftovers. Next time the girls just want to have lunch, I'll tell them to eat it. I guess I'll let your copyright infringement of my song slide this time, because that was a heck of a party! The garbage collectors are gonna have their work cut out for them on trash day. Speaking of parties, I've gotta go plan another one! Mayor Mare wants me to do a party for the anniversary of Mare Do Well too, sort of like an ode to a superhero party.

Guess I also have to find that hole in the multiverse I forgot about. Can't believe Gummy slipped through.

By the way, I hope you stopped by my family's rock farm on your way out of town. It's quite the Amish paradise.

-Pinkie Pie

~We've been spending most our lives
Living in a pony paradise
I've baked cupcakes once or twice
Living in a pony paradise
Party hats at discount price
Living in a pony paradise
I'm ripping off Pinkie Pie
Living in a pony paradise

Simple Ways

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Simple Ways

Dear Diary,

Seeing Rarity win the position of Ponyville Days Pony of Ceremonies made me realize three things. One, that they probably could have fit the word pony in there a few more times, like, Pony of Ceremonies for the Ponies of Ponyville. Two, that I should really start renting Spike out as manual labor. Now that I think about it, it would be a great source of income. Three, to make a replica of Ponyville that perfect, Rarity has to have a macro fetish.

So she sets out with planning, and gives us our assigned tasks. Although I could have refused, because royalty doesn't have to do shit if they don't want to. I also love how she wants to bring elegance to a place started by rednecks. I guess she doesn't remember how we tried to bring simplicity to Canterlot not once, but twice, and see how well both of those times turned out.

So most likely against my better judgement, I go with her to the train station to meet this 'Trenderhoof' that she's been obsessing over and, hey would you look at that! My tail looks exactly like my mane! Sorry, but Applebloom helped me pull off your style better than you pull off mine. You go off and show him around town, lastly taking him to Sweet Apple Acres, and what do you know, he has absolutely no interest in you. Nope, instead, he's got it hard for AJ. But he managed to be subtly racist to AJ's face, so he's good in my book.

Speaking of you, Applejack, you have spent your entire life obsessing over absolutely everything to do with apples, and now that you've finally got somepony's attention because of that, you're creeped out? So you don't want a sex life outside of Rainbow Dash and your brother? Meanwhile, Fax Machine tells me Rarity flipped the fuck out, and starts going all redneck on us so she can win the heart of Trend. It gets so bad that you decide to give her a taste of her own medicine. But at least you two finally fulfilled some of your dares way back from the sleepover. You combed your mane for once, and she didn't.

But eventually everypony comes to their senses. Amazingly, with all this misplaced love in the air, nopony got laid. Are you freaking kidding me? Even Fax is getting sick of this shit.

Twilight Sparkle

Filli Vanilli

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Filli Vanilli

Dear Fluttershy,

Look, sorry about today. I guess I just figured that if you heard it straight from the horses mouth, that you'd get over your stage fright. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, sheesh.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Are you kidding me? I mean, I know you may not be the brightest of ponies because of the drugs and everything, but I have the word 'shy' right in my fucking name. You saw how timid I was before the Hearth's Warming Eve performance, and yet you trigger me not once, but twice? I don't like singing in crowds. Deal with it, you junkie.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

So, what you're trying to say is that the animal shelter volunteer I met in the alternate world wasn't another version of you? You know, the one who had no trouble singing and dancing in a high school cafeteria full of judgmental teens? Not you then?

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Keep it up.

Spike will be a decorative toaster cozy before you know it.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Big Mac,

What's the matter, brother? Can't sing because you're a little horse?

Sincerely,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

Little, huh?

That's not what you were saying last night.

Sincerely,
Big Macintosh

It Ain't Easy Being Breezies

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

It Ain't Easy Being Breezies

Dear Diary,

Today, Fluttershy has convinced the town to help a bunch of smaller, weaker creatures. Everything goes according to plan at first, and then as usual, Spike fucks it up royally.

So wait, if the air is too gentle they can't move, if the air is too fast they're knocked off guard, they're thrown off by a stray leaf, and acorns can be lethal to them? What the hell do they even need this pollen for anyway? Did we try to figure that out before helping them?

So these things can barely fly. Say, Scootaloo, are you related to these things? I'm sorry but ecologically Breezies should have died out. They're just utterly helpless.﻿ Seriously, if one stray windblown leaf is enough to disrupt the entire process, it makes you wonder what'd happen if something REALLY went wrong.﻿ We just need to stop helping these little shits.

All in all, I'm pretty fucking sick of helping pathetic, helpless creatures. Ever hear of this thing called natural selection? Hm? Where creatures too weak to sustain themselves die off, making way for more worthy species? I'm kinda waiting for that to happen to the damned earth ponies.

Lastly, Rainbow wants to find out what it's like to be a griffon? Well, let's see here. You piss everyone off and then leave after just one day. There. You now know what it's like, so there's no need to turn you into one. Unless this is a really bad attempt at getting into bed with Gilda. I can turn you into a stallion if you want. On one condition. Don't pretend you don't know what that condition is.

At least you can accept as a form of consolation, that after meeting Seabreeze, that you are no longer the gayest being I've met. I mean, dayum, he actually had a kid with somebreezie. That's impressive. Just fix that fucking hair. Yeesh.

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Thanks for your observation. Next time you fall off a cliff in the Everfree Forest, we will keep in mind that it's just nature's way of saying it's time for you to go.

Sincerely,
Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash

Somepony To Watch Over Me

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Somepony To Watch Over Me

Dear Diary

My sister is a freak.

Having fetishes is all well and good, but trying to pass them off to a sibling? No, that's just wrong.

Trying to make sure I don't get hurt is one thing, but turning me into her baby sister, literally, is just taking it too far. She put me in a fucking crib! I'm surprised she didn't get any diapers out. If you want to try taking care of an adult foal, go get Rainbow. Somepony who is ACTUALLY an adult.

After enlisting the help of Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, and making use of Pinkie's emergency bow stash, I make my way out of the house, only to find out that she even babyproofed my escape route.

Also, I hope you can buy a new barn with that delivery fee, because with an insane route like that, anything less, and they ripped you off. Especially since I had to try to use the snake as a harpoon and tow cable.

If only Twilight saw this place. She thinks we're hicks? Please.

If you guys don't want such an exorbitant fee next time, order your damn food from a town in a different direction, and not from a place where the route has flamethrowers built into the fucking ground.

-Apple Bloom

Dear Big Mac,

Look, I know you've made Twilight's doll your cuddle thing.

So what the hell is it doing in Apple Bloom's room?

-Applejack

Dear Applejack,

What I do while she's at school is no business of yours.

-Big Mac

For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils (Bonus Chapter: JanAnimations Eulogy)

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
HOUSE FIRE LEAVES NO SURVIVORS

Tragedy struck Ponyville late last night, as an intense fire broke out in the Mash residence. Firefighters were unable to effectively combat the blaze, nor were they able to enter the house to make rescue attempts. It has gone on record as one of the deadliest fires in Ponyville's 80-year history.

With firefighting measures proving useless, the inferno burned unchallenged, until the frame of the house collapsed in on itself at 3:20 AM, two hours after it was reported. The fire department's worst fears were becoming more and more of a reality when no remains of the occupants were found. All four members of the Mash family were thought to be inside, and are presumed dead.

Very little survived the fire and subsequent collapse of the house. Of what remains, the most intact item is an old pong machine. It is not known what started the fire, although 8-year old Button Mash was known for enjoying the Silly Filly Train Sets, which have been prone to spontaneous combustion.

"Button Mash was an avid gamer, and he will be missed dearly by the community." Princess Luna offered in a statement. Button's last major appearance was with Princess Luna as he helped with the 24-hour LAN Party in honor of Luna's estranged sister, Princess Molestia.

Author's Note

"But, Mom, I need to fight the coherds to save the village of Gumbai if I want any luck in defeating the alixes of Humgonia!"
- Button Mash

JanAnimations Studios
C&D'd on March 21st, 2014

(Yes, another chapter parodying the actual episode is forthcoming. The title of this episode, given the sudden developments, and the milkshake scene in the BA Pilot episode, seemed very appropriate.)

For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

For Whom The Sweetie Belle Tolls

Dear Princess Luna,

For the record, I do not believe you know what I'm going through. In fact, I'm better at screwing with my sister than you. With a single thread, I could have ruined my sister's career. You, with the power of the moon, flew around and shot at your sister for about a grand total of three minutes. Good job.

Besides, I'm screwing with her. How could you not realize that? Think about it, your highness. I expertly resewed Sapphire Shores' headdress, but I have to have Rarity make me the costumes for my play? Right.

Let me know when you're going to fuck with Apple Bloom's dreams. But I would be very careful about going in there. You never know when she's going to be having a cloppy dream about her sister or brother.

Your loyal subject,
Sweetie Belle

To my loyal subject Sweetie Belle,

The last time we hath checked, Apple Bloom was dreaming about you. You were putting your horn in-

Actually, never mind.

'Twas hot.

Sincerely,
Princess Luna

Testing Testing 1-2-3

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dear diary,

Twilight offered to be my private tutor for the Wonderbolts History test. So after showing up to the library, and avoiding her sexual advances for an hour, we began the actual studying. It didn't work out. Not even her favorite method of studying, flash cards. Maybe because 'cards' wasn't the flash she was interested in studying, if you know what I mean.

We were getting nowhere. In fact, I was so confident in Twilight's inability to help me learn this stuff, that I promised her sex if she could find a way to make it stick.

When they dressed up as the great Wonderbolts of the past, the only thing missing was Pony Loggins music. Not only that, but Fluttershy can put together a fantastic Celestia cosplay. Thanks, Magnificent Alicorn Leader.

So it turns out that I retain information while I'm just flying around. That gives me a great idea. I'll open a new school! I wonder how many potential students will end up applying to Airhead University.

-Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Passed, huh? 100? So, guess what you owe me? That's right. Be over here at 9:00. I'll knock some off of your damaged book fees if you bring a ruler and whipped cream. We'll be doing student-teacher discipline role play.

-Twilight

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You can't spell crap without rap.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight,

You can't spell Twilight without bitch-ass ho.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Sugarcube Corner to make some vanilla-flavored ice cubes.

You can't see me.

-Pinkie

Milestone Bonus Chapter: 1,000,000

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

1,000,000

Wow.

Even months after knowing this is what I wanted to do to commemorate one million hits, that remains the only word I can come up with to express my reaction to getting Letters to a whopping seven digits.

Now that's not one million unique hits. Letters didn't go viral and captivate that many bronies. That's thousands of readers coming back again and again. To me, that's a success greater than unique hits.

For some time now, this story has been the most successful story I've ever posted online. Before this, it was my alternate ending to Cupcakes, which got onto Equestria Daily. I'm rather proud of the fact that Letters has gotten this popular from being spread around brony networks other than EqD. I have only come to dislike their fanfiction guidelines more and more strongly as time has gone on in my three years in the fandom.

More than anything, this story has helped the comedian in me thrive. Especially during Season 4, where I've attempted to deliver chapters on a consistent basis. It has helped me become much more confident in my jokes, as well as do my best to satisfy the 51 people who are laughing their flanks off, and to stop worrying about the 49 people that aren't. Along with other events as a brony, this story has helped me take a defiant stand against political correctness. Anything, anywhere has the potential to be funny.

Lastly, I would like to share how this story has had a positive effect on my life. Letters had been in the planning stages in the weeks leading up to the scariest moment of my life, the horrific truck crash in Arizona that put an end to my driving career. At the time I was putting finishing touches on The Cupcake Chronicles. As the days went on, we made our way home, and I contemplated the future of my driving, too naive at the time to know there was no chance of recovery. Seven weeks later, I was terminated, and my savings of $8500 slowly drained away keeping gas in the car and a roof over my head. This has proved to be the perfect stress reducer. Blowing off steam and making people laugh at the same time? It doesn't get more perfect than that.

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for reading.

Love,
milesprower06

4-9-14

Author's Note

Trade Ya!

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Trade Ya!

Dear Pinkie Pie,

We could not have been clearer. We explained. We explained again, more slowly, with small words. We drew you pictures.

You were supposed to lead an auction to trade away Twilight, not her books. Hell, we would've even taken that broken quill in her place.

Thanks for nothing.

Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity

Dear Rainbow, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack,

What are you talking about?

I have the book named Twilight right here that we were supposed to get rid of!

Oh....

Ooops.

-Pinkie

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I had a fun time making you all gooey and sticky. Let's do it again sometime.

Love,
Fluttershy

Dear Stellar Eclipse,

I expect royalty payments on those lamps, or I'll make you more handicapped than you already are.

Cordially,
Discord

Dear Fluttershy,

You sold your lamp to be mass produced?

No sex for a month.

Regrettably,
Discord

To the Daring Do Collector Booth,

You know who's even better at training Orthros than Fluttershy?

Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Yep, that's right. All we want in return is your gleaming smile and undying gratitude that soon, you will have the best trained Orthros in Equestria.

So what do you say?

-Spike

Author's Note

Inspiration Manifestation

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Inspiration Manifestation

Dear Munchkins,

Alright, we followed the yellow brick road, but this doesn't look like Emerald City. Nothing looks like emerald.

But there are a lot of talking ponies, even ones of different colors. One of them is an asshole wizard, too.

Maybe they're renovating, who knows?

-Dorothy

Dear Rarity,

STOP dressing me in style. I'm having nightmares. Just stop.

-Rainbow Dash

Dear Diary,

How the fuck did I get he- OOH A CELLO!

-Octavia

Dear Rarity,

Alright, enough with the creativity. I'm sick of this. You've just inspired my marefriend to go on a nationwide tour with her new band, 'Rariots of Fire'.

Now whose bass am I gonna drop?

-Vinyl Scratch

Dear Rarity,

You bitch. Do you know how hard Button had to work for his diamond armor, and then you just give Spike a set through console commands? You suck. Don't mine at night.

-Sweetie Belle

Dearest Sister,

When you, Cadance, and Twilight are done clearing out the dark magic from Ponyville, please find Spike and give him some advice on how to survive on the moon for a little while.

I think he's earned a little vacation after I got a molten, melted lock delivered on my head.

Thank you.

-Princess Celestia

Dear Rarity,

You condescending whore. It's time for a diet. All that fucking ice cream, are you nuts???

Sincerely,
Future Rarity

Equestria Games

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Equestria Games

To my sister-in-law, Princess Cadance,

If you had told me you were planning on treating Fax Machine as the guest of honor, I would have left him at home. But hey, if you wanted to see how much of a disaster it turned out to be, well you got it.

I have to give him props for not eating the two guards who whisked him away. But then you got to see how cheap he is, as he prefers green rupees. But then you had to go and show him the statue your city built for him. Seriously? If I recall, he tripped and dropped the crystal heart, forcing your husband to throw you from the castle balcony.

So now I figured I was going to have to knock his confidence down a few pegs when we got back to Ponyville, but then I was pleasantly surprised when the spectators did it for me. Quite ironic if you ask me; he absolutely loves announcing things to crowds, but lighting a torch for a crowd? Nope, that can't be done. He couldn't light his fire. Just like he could never get it up in the bedroom. Figures. Now you know how I feel.

What happens then? He sings the most hilarious rendition of the Cloudsdale Anthem I have ever heard. Where are those Equestrian Idol judges when you need them? Absolutely dreadful.

So in a depressed state, Fax proceeds to mope in the hotel room. I wonder if he tried to make off with a few bites of that statue. I drag him back out to the final competition to force him to face humiliation, dressed like he's ready to flash some mares.

But thanks to you contracting the archery equipment through Link, one of the poorly fired ice arrows go right into a cloud. Wow, who knew a weapon fired with your mouth could be so inaccurate? Even Celestia and Luna couldn't help move it. Fucking pathetic. Good thing Fax was there to save ponies who probably deserved to be crushed.

So now, I have to get him to figure out than when my tail is twitching and he sees dripping from between my hind legs, that something needs to be done, and he should react.

-Twilight Sparkle

Dear Miss Harshwhinny,

I thought we discussed this, and had agreed upon adding the Wife Throw to the list of games this year, what the hell?

Sincerely,
Shining Armor

To the Crystal Empire TSA.

While I'm sure the security for the Equestria Games was of utmost importance, I am attaching my dental bill for you to handle. Thanks to your Crystal Empire Material Emancipation Grill, I think a few of my teeth are missing.

Rarity

Twilight's Kingdom

Author's Note

Yeah, I know what the blog said. My blogs say a lot of things. There may be another letter in the next few days.

Twilight's Kingdom

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Twlight's Kingdom

Dear Meghan,

You are such a filthy liar.

That's why I love you. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Sincerely,
Flash Sentry

Dear Princess Celestia,

So... You kinda just wear your crown to bed? You don't think that's a little weird?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Let me see if I can recall the last time you didn't wear your crown to bed.

Oh, right... That.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Dear Discord,

Give me back by scooter. Now. I'd hate to have to sic some pets on you.

Sincerely,
Blythe Baxter

“I can't believe this. This is fucking horseshit. We're supposed to be Celestia's lackeys for when she can't take care of something herself. Now she's sending Discord?” Twilight complained as they approached the Castle of the Two Sisters.

“Well, maybe the Hornjob Rapist is a bigger threat than we realize.”

“Or she doesn't want me getting any. Fucking bitch. Now Discord gets all the action.”

“Oh Twilight, little do you know I don't need anything on the side. I'm already getting plenty.”

They looked up to see Discord descend from the sky above with an umbrella.

“Fuck off, Discord. Don't you have some of my glory to steal?”

“Why yes. I've actually been reviewing the final draft of my plan of action right now.” Discord claimed, snapping his fingers, making a stack of papers materialize out of thin air.

Twilight was having none of it.

“Fuck it. I'm sure this final draft sucks.”

“Oh, I'm not so sure about that. I've been working on it since April.”

“Then April sucks too.”

Discord bent down and embraced them all, winking them down to the Tree of Harmony.

“Oh come now. You guys actually get to take it easy for a bit. Maybe you can figure out a way to open this chest that's been neglected for so long. Well, anyways, good luck. I'm off to deal with Tirek, and then I have to return this scooter. Belongs to some girl in Downtown City.”

Dear Ponyville,

Don't worry. We're alive.

We were in the Love Cave when the library blew up. Not a scratch on us.

Sincerely,
Chysalis and Flufflepuff

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Congratulations. You're the new me.

Sincerely,
Freakazoid

Dear Rarity,

I've already got the twin tails thing down. Get your own thing. Maybe you could try, oh I don't know, being generous more often.

Sincerely,
Miles 'Tails' Prower

Dear Twilight,

So let me get this straight. JUST to make sure I'm understanding this correctly.

You had my alicorn magic; the ability to make anypony fall in love... And you still didn't get any?

I'm not sure if you're expecting a magical floating cock to just follow you around everywhere someday, but you are seriously, no, hilariously, pathetic. At least put some fucking effort into it.

Sincerely,
Princess Cadance

Dear Cerberus,

You fuck up again, and we're taking a trip to the vet. Are we not clear?

Sincerely,
Princess Luna

Dear Discord,

For betraying us, and making me cry, you are sleeping on the couch until further notice.

Leave the toys on the night stand.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Canterlot Flourists,

Yes, I'd like to order a bouquet.

Sincerely,
Discord

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well, maybe things have a way of evening themselves out after all. When the library got blown to smithereens, we thought we were home free. But when we saw that fucking castle come up out of the ground, we were all prepared to pack our things and move away.

But then we saw the thrones. It just goes to prove a valuable life lesson.

If you know a bigoted bitch with some power and influence, do everything in your power to tolerate them. You may end up sharing some of that power.

We can't help but wonder if that's what Cadance and Luna did with you.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Spike

Twilight's Kingdom (Bonus Letter)

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Twilight's Kingdom

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hey. Hey, foreign dignitaries. Yeah, look up here at this fucking awesome royal banner! This is the most hardcore fucking shit you've ever seen, no? Makes you want to open trade with our country, yeah? Not enough? How about if I smile and wave? Oh yeah, look at this hoof and these teeth.

So anyways, my royal duties aside, apparently you can detect threats through your nightmares. That's not ominious at all. Is that how you decided to send me to Ponyville in the first place? You had a nightmare that I'd take your throne? Just as I'm ready to get the rainbow-laser-firing gang back together to kick some ass, you reveal that you're sending Discord instead. Hey fuck that, he made me and Cadance miss most of SwirlCon 2014.

So to pass the time while we're being upstaged, we go to the library and delve deeper into the library to try and find the significance of the box. I decide to follow Dickcord's advice, and discover the items they all received. We don't have a clue to their significance until Pinkie throws her cock at the box, which turns it into a key. See? What did I tell all of you? You can totally solve problems by throwing things at them. Duh.

So you called me back to Canterlot to tell me that Discord betrayed us. No. Way. Who could have seen THAT coming? Let me get this straight. You three are going to give me all your powers in order to hide them, because Tirek isn't aware of Equestria's fourth princess.

Except for, you know, the stain glass window right there in the throne room. Ingenious plan, you guys. Really.

So now that my ultimate usurping of your powers is complete, all I have to do is get rid of that asshole Tirek. We threw each other through some mountains, fired some lasers, blew up some libraries, it was all epic and all, but unfortunately, we were evenly matched. So I decided to give up those powers for my five friends. If I can't defeat the demon standing between me and absolute power, than the very least I was going to do was have fuck buddies to keep me company under his rule. Fluttershy even demanded that Discord come along so he would be forced to watch. He was so touched at the possibility of live porn that he gave me the necklace that Tirek gave to him. Okay... Then... Yeah. So in tolerating all this stupidity, that necklace was my key, and with the box unlocked, it made us all gayer than I could possibly have imagined.

So now I have my official princess title, complete with a new castle that I actually have to share with these morons. Let me guess, now we, as this council, have to meditate in wait for the young colt that is prophesied to bring balance to the friendship, right?

If only your powers didn't automatically go back to all of you.

Your former student with a castle of her own,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Anniversary Bonus Chapter: Letters To The Disgruntled Cast

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Anniversary Bonus Chapter
Letters To The Disgruntled Cast

Crowquill Symphony

Dear Spike the Dragon,

Have you ever considered smacking Twilight upside the head? More importantly, has there ever been a situation where you actually could have or simply have done so? Seriously, she does not seem to give you even the slightest modicum of decency, and with the frequency of belittling and insults I would be honestly shocked if you hadn't at least considered the possibility.

Side note, did you burp this note up, or did it wind up in the regular post?

To Crowquill Symphony,

Of course I've considered it. But I've started to realize that you have to take the good with the bad. Twilight doesn't like it here in Ponyville, and yet she's been royally obligated to rule over this place.

Besides, I can masturbate nightly. Twilight groans in frustration nightly.

-Spike

PeachQuill

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I thought you'd have a little mental breakdown when Maud said that she didn't like winning instead of gasping like you did.

Sincerely,
One-Who-Has-Mental-Breakdowns-Often

Dear PeachQuill,

I no longer have mental breakdowns over filthy casuals who don't care about winning and are just looking for a "good game". They do in fact exist, and I have come to terms with it. I just wish the developers of rock throwing simulators would stop catering to them. They need to take out the Nuclear Rocksplosion perk. It's way OP'd.

-Rainbow Dash

sk8ordie237

Dear Rarity,

You fucking bitch.

I have been chasing you for about four years now and I don't get shit out of it? I mean really I was there for you when that Tenderhoof faggot was trying to fuck that lesbo hick, and I don't even get anything?

And what the hell did you mean "Oh, Spike, how could you ever know what it's like to be totally obsessed with a pony only to find out they're obsessed with somepony else?" My fucking scaly ass, I have bent over backwards for you and you still treat me like dirt. I was the one who actually tried to win your heart and all I get is the biggest cock-tease in existence. I have done everything and then some alright, so you know what? I'm fucking done with your shit.

Maybe Applejack's sister would like a night with Spike

Go fuck yourself,
Spike

Darling, you forget that as a unicorn with a variety of sex toys, I could very well fuck myself. But Twilight has warned me about the possibility of dragon-pony offspring, and I just can't risk it. It's bad enough that my parents dump Sweetie Belle over here oh so often.

But hey, if you want to go over to Sweet Apple Acres to try your luck with Apple Bloom, or what she's probably known as, the family hay cart, go for it.

Rarity

Biker Dash

Dear Applejack,

How do you manage to keep that bitchy princess out of your brother's bed? Or your sister's bed, for that matter?

Her opinion of my family's sexual practices aside, I'm pretty certain I've protected my family quite effectively by successfully spreading the rumor that we carry a particularly nasty strain of Alicorn AIDS.

SuperPinkBrony12

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Have you ever maybe noticed how, whenever you need your friends the most they seem to either abandon you, or just stand there and do nothing?

Don't you think you deserve better then that? I mean after all, you're friends, right?

Perhaps you and your friends could make some "Cupcakes". I hear they're great a bonding experience, as long as you remember the secret ingreident.

Sincerely,
SuperPinkBrony12

Why the fuck would we have been prepared to help her? Shouldn't she have seen that coming with her pinkie sense?

-Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy

Alticron

Dear Rainbow Dash,

My little sister was wondering what rainbows are made of, and I figured you could tell her since you work in weather production. Also, have you seen her missing friend, Aurora? She's been missing ever since her flight exam.

I can come anywhere. Just have to hit the right spots. Weather production's got nothing to do with it.

You'll want to contact the Cloudsdale Guard Captain to file a missing pony report.

Ruby Rose

How the hell do you manage to survive with those nutjobs?
-Sincerely, Ruby.

According to how long dragons live, by knowing that eventually I will get to dance on their graves.
- Spike

Tatsurou

I'm pretty sure that you're unhappy with your servitude to Twilight Sparkle. My question for you is why do you stay with her? Surely there are better options for you? If staying with Applejack didn't work out and Rarity doesn't want your fire around her fabrics, why not stay over with Fluttershy? She's sure to give you a good home, comfortable lodgings, and few if any chores. Doesn't that sound like paradise?

Simple. For some reason, the owl is easier to put up with than the rabbit. Twilight's just a bitch. Fluttershy would try to convert me to worship Lord Smooze.

-Spike

Monochromation

I was just wondering why your family's apples are the only ones I see in the marketplace anymore. I mean, ever since you ran those Flim Flam idiots out of town for a second time via lynch mob, I haven't seen any products from competing farms, or even off-brand products that use your apples. I'm not complaining, mind you, but I am simply confused at this seemingly complete absence of competition in the local apple market. Is it even possible to monopolize a city like Ponyville.

Sincerely,
Monochrome

You'd be amazed what the wrong kind of pesticides can do to competing orchards.

-Applejack

y2kbrony

I would gladly pleasure you because I'm just as horny as you are.
Yours Truly,
Dusk Shine

Dear Dusk Shine,
I have no idea who you are, but I'm beginning to think that the only pony who could satisfy me is if I cloned myself and gave it a dick.

-Twilight Sparkle

forevertheDoctor

Well. I'm disappointed to say the least. All I asked you to do was to act like a normal pony in front of my friends. IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD?! First of all, you have super pony strength. WHY DO YOU WASTE IT ON THROWING ROCKS?! Go save Equestria and do something useful for once. Jesus. Second of all, you tried to peel an APPLE with a ROCK?! What are we, still in the Stone Age? USE A FUCKING PEELER LIKE A NORMAL PONY. Parents should get offended and mute you because you're such a RETARD! Yes, I broke the fourth wall, what are you gonna do about it?? I don't care WHAT you say, WEARING A DIRTY DISH TOWEL DOES NOT MAKE YOU A HIPSTER. So just shut the fuck up about it. It's never gonna be a fad. Also, Fluttershy had the decency to show you an intelligent beautiful spider which I totally did not crush when her back was turned. But you only cared about THE ROCK AND SHE BLUSHED LIKE A LITTLE JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRL. *sighs* speaking of ROCKS. What did I tell you about your poems? Huh? Was it to never recite them ever or I would murder you? Yes, I think that was it. But no. You have to say it for Twilight. "Rock. You are a rock. Grey. You are grey. Like a rock. Which you are." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! How many times have I told you? You're not Emilneigh Dickinson. Emilneigh Dickinson didn't write about ROCKS! But she DID have mental problems. Pshht...hehehe...she has "dick" in her name, lol. Ehem! As I was SAYING. I wanted you to have a good relationship with my friends. The Element Bearers. Celebrities. And what do I do? I waste all my time and energy to build a big ass obstacle course. And you still had that same fucking face: T_T and I was like: 8( and then I didn't want to live on this planet anymore. You know, that rock mountain of death was supposed to kill YOU. But by then I was ready to commit suicide. Why don't you think anypony did anything? Because friends know when other friends want to kill themselves! But NOOO you had to spoil everything with your fancy schmancy jackhammer powers! Bitch. You don't deserve a rock candy necklace. You know what? I don't want to see you smile, smile, smile. Go die in a hole.
<3, Pinkamena Diane Pie
Ps, WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T LIKE CANDY?!
Pss, You remember your first pet rock, Rocky? I threw him in the well. I THREW
HIM IN THE FUCKING WELL.

Dear whoever you are,

You're definitely not my sister. Pinkie is verbose, but not that... Sadistic. So whoever you are, it sounds like you need a cupcake.

Be sure to get extra sprinkles.

-Maud

Scurvy

Dear Tom,
You are a rock. Rocks don't write letters. They're rocks.
-Maud Pie

Dear Maud,

You want to know what it is like to be a rock? Go kick a cockatrice and live a day in my shoes.

-Tom

Starlight Nova

Dear Rainbow Dash,

How come you and your friends haven't tried to kill Twilight yet?

We're still trying to get the legality kinks worked out. We're trying to come up with a convincing name for the proposition before sending it off to the courts. How's the Cuntnugget Amendment sound?

-Rainbow Dash

milesprower06 (Hats off to kudzuhaiku)

Dear Princess Twilight,

Since you've had all sorts of adventures that called for mediating others in Ponyville, I was wondering if you had any royal tips for raising foals.

Sincerely,
Holly Heartwood

Dear Holly,

I hear a good paddling or caning works wonders on disobedient orphans.

And hey, if you ever get tired of it altogether, you can just burn it to the ground.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

kudzuhaiku

Dear Princess Twilight,

What is the best way to find no strings attached sex when you are a socially retarded introvert?

I figured you would know.

Sincerely,
Noctilucent

Dear Noctilcuent,

Find a desperate, socially retarded mare, of course. Or stallion, if that's your thing.

Hey wait a minute...

-Princess Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight

How does it feel being a social parasite and a symbol of oppression over a nation that deserves democratic freedom?

Just think. You get paid to oppress your fellow ponies.

Sincerely, Graves the Donkey

Oh would you look at that. A donkey advocating for political parties. Huge surprise there. Go fuck an elephant you damn ass.

-Princess Twilight

Arthur Derpmanson

Dear Princess Twlight Sparkle,
Would you rather fist Rainbow Dash, or piss on Prince Blueblood?
Your subject,
Arthur Derpmanson

Dear Arthur,

That's so cute. You say it like I have to choose. Because both at the same time sounds pretty hot.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight

Aile Alpha

Hello there. I just have one questions for you: what is it with you and sex? Don't you know that pre-marital sex is immoral? And that includes masturbation. I hereby dub you Most Immoral Princess of the 2000s.
Sincerely, Aile Alpha

Dear Aile,

Of the 2000's? I'm flattered that, it being only 2014, that you think I'm the horniest thing that's going to come along for the next thousand years.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight

Magical Pegasister

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
If your sarcastic, racist, grouchy, sex-obsessed personality wasn't so damn hilarious, I would be disgusted by you. I mean, you are a horrible pony, but I want to read about you more. Maybe there's something wrong with you. Go see a therapist. Or totally abuse your royal authority and commission a host bar/male brothel. Your call.

Sincerely,
A (Not Really) Disgusted Fan of Yours

Dear Pegasister,

Why do you think I would want a brothel composed solely of stallions? I don't care who they are, just as long as they put out. I've brought up the idea before, but everypony shies away from it every time I bring up an "Unsatisfied Princess" penalty. There have to be consequences for not giving me my release, I really don't know why they're all surprised by that.

Any suggestions would be royally appreciated. I, of course, claim credit for any and all ideas submitted.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

JumpingShinyFrogs

Dear Princess Luna,
What kind of disturbing sexiness do you see most often in Twilight's dreams? It struck me as something you would know a lot about.

Dear Shining Frogs Who Hath Been Jumping,

It is tricky, describing this. When in the mind of Twilight, if it is disturbing, it is most likely not sexy. Her dream that made me shudder the most was when she turned into a plushie and then one of those mythical humans proposed to her. I still really cannot formulate a completely rational thought on that. Ever since she installed Digital Dreams Management, or DDM, it has been considerably more difficult to tap into her dreams.

Cordially,
Princess Luna

Starlight Shadow

Dear Princess Twilight,

Have you ever considered getting in on one of Big Mac and Applejack's hot nights? They call him Big Mac for a reason, and three's better than two! I bet you're great in the sack.

Your dear reader,
Starlight Shadow

Dear Starlight Shadow,

I'm sorry to have to report this, but it seems that due to their rampant inbreeding, they have developed some kind of disease called Alicorn AIDS. Applejack told me that it would make my wings constantly molt and my horn to go completely flaccid. So as much as I would like that magnificent stallion meat inside me, I'm afraid that I can't let that happen.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Kamiyaltsuno

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yes I am here to complain about your former student Twilight.

One week ago, I asked her to apologize to the world for sharing her name with a terrible book, and legally change it.
I have come to notice that no matter how many bad deeds Twilight does, you never seem to punish her. I am wondering if that is because she pays you to pull a few strings in the form of sexual favors, this would also explain you making her an alicorn.

Sincerely,
Kamiyaltsuno

Dear Kamiya-whatever the hell your name is,

It's quite bold of you to assume that I give any kind of a flying flank about that backwater town. Seriously, if it were to randomly explode because of all her shenanigans, I would not be surprised in the slightest.

And I obviously made her an alicorn so ponies could point and laugh at her wingboners. She gets excited like, all the time.

Now go away before I give you a banana.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Arxsys

Lyra,

I still can't believe you haven't paid me for my "custom" services. Everypony in town knows about your little tryst with Bon Bon. Somehow I doubt that they would be as willing to accept your alternative lifestyle if they really understood what goes on in your bedroom. Yes, I am speaking of those ghastly abominations that you commissioned from me. Personally, I don't care what you order so long as you actually pay for it. Somehow I doubt that anypony will want to purchase any of the items you have ordered, second hand or otherwise.

Your current bill, including the piece I am currently working on is 173 bits. Yes, I said one hundred seventy three bits. The materials used are expensive, and the time spent polishing your "unmentionables" is valuable. I really don't want to know what you are doing with my work, but am fairly certain I have a fair idea because of your somewhat graphic sketches. Pay up or I'll forget to polish a random spot on that marble "hand" thing you ordered. You won't make that mistake again.

As always, remember to use plenty of care and lubrication with my wares. We don't want to end up with something broken or stuck after all. That would be a shame before the curator of the Canterlot museum arrives to inspect your gallery.

As always, pay up.
Polly

Dear Polly,

Maybe having Derpy picking up the check from my mailbox wasn't the best idea.

You'll get your money, don't worry. Just keep those fingers coming.

-Lyra

Trolleroids

Dear Vinyl Scratch,

For God's sake, will you let me sleep? All day and all night, I was forced to listen to your confounded "music." I'm a god damn insomniac because of you!

And whenever I do fall asleep is when I'm at work! God dammit, thanks to you, I got fired! Now I can't even afford food.

I sometimes think to myself, is burning your house down to ashes worth it? Yes, I might be imprisoned for it but, other ponies just like me would be more than overjoyed to sleep in peace once more.

So you better watch it, "DJ-PON3." Unless, you want to be homeless.

-A very disgruntled local pony

To whomever tasteless pony it may concern,

It's a scientifically proven fact that wubs do wonders for the REM cycle. And if you want to go through the trouble of arson, be my guest.

Your mistake if you think my bass cannon isn't built to withstand temperatures up to eight hundred degrees.

Sincerely,
Vinyl Scratch, DJ-P0N3

Author's Note

Thank you to everyone for your submissions, and apologies if I did not get to yours. I read every single one of them, and I either did not have enough time, or I couldn't come up with a response I thought would be humorous enough.

Here's to two years!

Thanks for reading!

milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Rainbow's Social Gathering

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Rainbow's Social Gathering

Dear Princess Twilight,

I'm finding myself in a bit of a jam. I figured I'd put together an event here in Ponyville to give ponies all over Equestria the chance to see the Rainbow Dash experience. You know, seeing as how most of our insane adventures take place around this town. Whenever we leave, it's either to go plant a tree, help with a fashion show, or put on a play. So I knew for a fact that other ponies would want to come see what it was all about.

So after putting together several "crises" that we could solve for authenticity, that's when I started to run into problems. Out of nowhere, Mayor Mare is asking for 17,000 bits to avoid being kicked out of town hall. I need your help to spread the word so I can start collecting donations. We'll need an incentive. Like, top donors get an extra hour in the Ashleigh Ball Pit!

Please help,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

So after reading this letter, I take it you are to blame for the dragon, ursa minor, and parasprite swarm currently rampaging through town. These are your "crises" we're going to solve? This is going to cost us 17,000 bits?

If you pull this off, I'm making you the head accountant for the Kingdom of Friendship. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play in the Ashleigh Ball Pit.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Fillies and gentlecolts, DashCon; tumblr's very own version of Las Pegasus Unicon.

This train wreck was too beautiful not to take a shot at a parody. Hope you enjoyed.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Conspiracy Theory

Author's Note

To anyone who just got an alert for this chapter:

False alarm. No idea why, but this chapter had a red indicator on it, and for some reason required re-publishing. No idea how long it was like this.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Conspiracy Theory

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Conspiracy Theory

FOAL FREE PRESS
CELESTIAL ERA - 1,000-YEAR HOAX?

Princess Twilight Sparkle has spawned a fresh wave of controversy this week by claiming that the Celestial Era millennium was a hoax, and that Luna's banishing to the moon was staged.

"I'm not questioning that Luna was sent somewhere for one thousand years, I'm just doubting it was the moon. Her sister wasn't the only thing she sent away in a fit of rage. Toasters that burn her bread, festivity lights that went out, the list goes on. One of things she couldn't work worth a damn were cameras, so we got some footage of the "moon" that Luna was on, prancing and dancing around happily."

The key to Twilight's claim is that camera footage of Luna prancing.

"Her mane is moving and waving around. That's not possible when there is no atmosphere on the moon. How would she even be breathing up there? Also, you seriously expect us to believe that she just happily pranced around up there for one thousand years? She wasn't pissed or anything? If I was up there, I totally would have written a message in the moon surface, something along the lines of, oh, I don't know, 'Celestia is a whore.'?"

The footage of Luna also brings up the point that Celestia claims she banished Nightmare Moon, not Luna.

Twilight is not alone in her conspiracy theories. Others claim that Celestia and Luna worked together to win the "space race" against then-rival nation Griffondor.

Of course, Twilight conveniently ignores the marvel of modern telescopes, which have confirmed the presence of large piles of defective appliances on the moon's surface.

"I'm not going anywhere near another telescope. If I focus in on the moon, I'll probably end up with another eye patch."

Dear Sister,

I think we may have a problem. They are on to us about the moon.

Sincerely,
Luna

Dear Luna,

It's hardly my fault that it took you a millennium to get that Overkill achievement in Haylo 3, and had to pass all ruling responsibilities to me in the meantime.

Sincerely,
Celestia

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Riots, Protesting in Midwest Equestria

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
RIOTS, PROTESTING IN MIDWEST EQUESTRIA

Racial tensions have seen an increase in midwestern Equestria after a zebra was shot outside a convenience store in Herduson. The zebra, Whiten Black, was unarmed at the time, and was a suspect in a recent robbery. In a confrontation with unicorn royal guards, he was hit with six spells. The shooting has sparked civil unrest, protests, and rioting in Herduson, where there is a significant zebra population.

"It is unfortunate that all this racial tension has existed, even after all these years. I'm hoping every day that there can be a peaceful solution to this mess." Princess Celestia offered.

The history of Zebras in Equestria began when they were sold or abducted from Afriquestria as slave labor and servants for the newly formed nation.

"We really didn't know what else to do, with their cutie marks being cotton balls and farming tools." Princess Luna claimed.

Slavery was eventually abolished after earth ponies started feeling their glory was being taken, but zebras remained second-class citizens. Eventually, the Civil Stripes Act was passed, desegregating most businesses and schools, Celestia's School For Gifted Unicorns withstanding.

In regards to the shooting, while Princesses Celestia and Luna have pulled out the royal guard in an attempt to ease the tension, leaving law enforcement to local authorities. Meanwhile, our local Princess Twilight has her own, instigating take on the situation.

"Did this zebra look like a thug? Act like a thug? Then he was probably a fucking thug. Correct me if I'm wrong, wasn't there several bubble-blowing pipes on his body that he didn't pay for? Face it, the only thing all of these zebras that are "protesting" want is for the unicorn who shot off those spells to be branded a police-state racist without any due process. Good luck with that. I've never seen a zebra that was good for anything anyway."

When inquired about the "substances" she purchases from resident shaman Zecora, Twilight stood up and angrily declared that the interview was over before walking out.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Epidemic in Western Afriquestria

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Epidemic in Western Afriquestria

Dear Zecora,

First off, allow us to give you our utmost sympathies regarding the epona fillyvirus epidemic that is happening over in your home nation. We hope your family is safe.

That being said, we were hoping that you could perhaps put us in touch with a zebra stallion that has been recently infected with epona. According to research, the epona virus spreads through contact with bodily fluids, so we'd happily help this zebra stallion get one last good time with a pony princess, if you catch our drift.

The way we see it, this works out best for everypony. The zebra gets some, Twilight gets some, and a few days later, the Kingdom of Friendship's princess spot is vacated by a painful, internal and external hemorrhaging death.

Here's hoping you can help us out.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity

Rainbow Rocks

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Rainbow Rocks

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hey, one of these books that survived the destruction of Golden Oaks was glowing and vibrating. I think your preferred former student is trying to text you. Should we go see what she wants?

Cordially,
Princess Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Why are you writing me? I really don't care what you do anymore. That's why I made you a Princess and gave you a "kingdom".

Besides, even if I gave a fuck what Sunset was up to over there, the portal won't open for another year. Unless you want Luna to speed up the moon, which could fuck up like, everything here.

Reluctantly,
Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Actually, this book of yours contains some kind of magic. I'm pretty sure I could hardwire it to the mirror and open the portal whenever we wanted.

Twilight,

Do whatever the fuck you want. It's bad enough that I have to care about that stupid portal every two years, so why would I want to care about it sooner than that? Whatever you're thinking about doing, leave me out of it, and for My sake, hide any bodies.

-Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Twilight,

So, things have been weird since that whole she-demon thing. The student body resents me for what I did back during the fall formal. My few friends keep reminding me of what I did during the fall formal. So, my day-to-day pretty much consists of, "Sunset, remember when you used to be a bitch?"

So we got three new girls at school, and I was assigned to show them around. They got a little defensive when I asked about their pearl necklaces. They acted a lot like me when I first... Oh shit.

So that's when I dug out my texting book to get some help. Before we know it, you come tumbling out of the portal.

Sirens? Are you sure they're not something else? Like evil seaponies? Then they hypnotized everyone with their singing. Yep, sirens. Evil seapony sirens.

I'm really surprised that screaming "Friendship is magic!" didn't activate your rainbow rape lasers. Did you check the batteries?

So instead of making you take the most intellectual bed in history, Pinkie called for a sleepover. I'm amazed how fast you convinced everyone that a naked pillow fight would be fun. I do think it was rather rude of Rainbow to just sleep in Pinkie's bed like that. Last I checked, you don't take the host's bed.

So I come down to raid the fridge, because I've been trying very hard to study friendship and that's what friends do; eat all your food and then go to the spare bedroom with the whip cream.

It turns out Equestria's newest princess can't write counter-spells. Huh. Who else did Celestia pass up before she chose you as her prized pupil? Your singing is pretty terrible too. Tell you what, I think I just need to start singing in your place, how about that?

Another thing - the band is called The Rainbooms. How do they know what a rainboom even is in this world?

So the battle of the bands began, and we had to hide our magic until the finals. I still don't know why we didn't try the magic from this world. Want to know what kind of magic we have here? One is called a Colt Single Action revolver, and it comes with six spells. You just point it at the problem you need to solve and pull the trigger. Simple as that.

Did Trixie even plan on getting to the finals? Because, she kinda performed the same song as she did in round 1. Don't you need different songs?

In order to win this battle, clearly we were going to need the greatest and best song in the world. We would have been pretty much out of luck, but luckily right at that moment, Vinyl rolls up with Optimus Bass. That still wasn't enough, because they revealed their siren forms and were all like "shoo shoo be doo motherfuckers". So I took off my jacket. The cold never bothered me anyway. Now it was time for this Sunset to really shimmer!

Oh, so we're just gonna let them run off? We aren't gonna ~~violate them with~~ offer them the magic of friendship? Did I get off lucky or something? I love how their on-key singing was also attached to their evil magic.

I'm glad I got in the band, and could play in Fluttershy's song. To be honest, it was better than most of Rainbow's "look at me I'm an attention whore" songs.

Shame you couldn't stay longer. I was hoping we could make out. But you probably do that with the pony versions of your friends already. Let me tell you, it's much better as a human.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash,

No more sleepovers until you learn to respect my personal property.

That means not whacking the game console when you're losing, Rainbow.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Sorry about that. I have to convince Applejack to not be a fucking camping bitch.

-Rainbow

Dear Rainbow Dash,

It's a legitimate strategy.

Get good.

-AJ

Dear Trixie,

Not a bad song. If not for the fate of the world, you totally should have won.

Just a word of advice, if you're going to sing a song called "Tricks Up My Sleeve", maybe you should have gone with something other than a sleeveless dress.

The Rainbooms

Dear Blueberry Pie,

Needs more cowbell.

Derpy

Dear Flash,

Don't feel so bad. Doesn't matter how much you practice, you're not gonna be the next Dave Mustang. Sorry, someone had to say it.

-Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Yeah, sorry about getting angry with you and everything. It was the sirens.

Their singing caused quite the shipwreck.

-Flash

PACO'S TACOS
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

Last Name: Dusk First Name: Sonata
Position Applying For: Taco Mascot Wage Desired: 2 Tacos / hr, for realzies

Author's Note

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Update from Canterlot High

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Update from Canterlot High

Dear Princess Twilight,

Oh, where the hell do I begin? I know it's only been a few months since you left, but things have pretty much stayed retarded. Why did I stay again?

Long story short, some guy robbed a convenience store and was stopped a few blocks away by a cop, simply because he wasn't walking on the sidewalk. Instead of just getting up on the walk, the dumbass swears at the officer, then gets into a confrontation with him. All in all, he was shot and killed, and now there's a whole lot of people claiming that race was the primary factor in this; that this guy was just some innocent kid. Are you kidding me? Race? Last I checked we have like, every different skin color imaginable here.

So there have been riots and protests. Yep, you read that right. People are actually protesting that a cop shot a criminal. Half of Canterlot High staged a walkout. Why? Well, I suppose to emulate what it's like to be an uneducated thug, I don't know. Flash Sentry even tried to get an #OrangeLivesMatter hashtag started on Twitter.

They say stupidity isn't a virus, but damn is it spreading like one.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset,

Yeah, that happened here too, parallel worlds and all. I've been laughing at most of it.

Say, what took you so long? I thought I told you, write me an update every night around ten. I don't care if nothing happened, just write something.

I do oh-so love it when my book here vibrates.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight of Ponyville

Author's Note

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Human Convention Attacked, Evacuated

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
HUMAN CONVENTION ATTACKED, EVACUATED

Hundreds of con-attending ponies were evacuated from a hotel in northern Fillinois over the weekend. After multiple attendees complained of a foul odor, security personnel found an improvised chlorine bomb in a bucket, placed in a stairwell on the ninth floor, and proceeded to evacuate the hotel into the freezing temperatures of the night. The convention disrupted was the annual Midwest SkinFest, which celebrates literature, performance, and art revolving around the mythical "human" creatures, or homo sapiens, which have been confirmed to exist in a parallel universe by Ponyville's own Princess Twilight Sparkle. Members of this community are commonly referred to as "skinnys" or "homos".

Convention chair Lyra Heartstrings has released a statement that the convention would not be issuing refunds, as the evacuation lasted only about two hours, and was caused by an unforeseen criminal act. To whomever carried out this terrorist act, Ms. Heartstrings had this to say:

"It's very unfortunate that somepony thought that this attack would be funny or acceptable. I hope whoever did this is caught, prosecuted, and jailed, where their cellmate will introduce them to the meaning of 'fapping'."

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: "The Inner Hue" Film Cancelled Amid Terrorist Threats

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
"The Inner Hue" Film Cancelled Amid Terrorist Threats

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
CONTROVERSIAL FILM "THE INNER HUE" CANCELLED

Months of controversy finally came to a head and erupted yesterday when national cinema chains began to pull out of showing Pony Pictures of Equestria's new political comedy, The Inner Hue, after griffon terrorists threatened retaliation against theaters that showed the film. After numerous pullouts, Pony Pictures announced that they will be cancelling the theatrical release altogether, a mere week before the release on Hearth's Warming Day.

"The Inner Hue" revolves around two famous fashion designers who are recruited by the Royal Guard to assassinate the dictator of the nation of Griffondor while they design a uniform for the reclusive nation's leader. The controversy stems from the fact that the targeted dictator, Fried Chik Un, is currently alive and in power. Declaring the film to be an act of war, Un demanded that the film be pulled. Amid further threats to theaters, it seems Pony Pictures is doing just that.

But not all ponies are thrilled at the decision, and it seems that the hype and growing controversy is causing more and more ponies to be immensely curious about a film that has otherwise stayed off their radar.

"The fact that cinemas and Pony Pictures has caved in to a terrorist threat is nothing short of disgusting," offered one moviegoer who is determined to boycott the cinemas who pulled out of showing the film.

"If the cinemas across Equestria are to be taken seriously, then we have truly become a nation that is ruled by fear, and the Al Hayda terrorists who carried out the 9/11 attacks on Manehattan won."

A theater in south Equestria, in Fort Hoof, is making the best of a bad situation, opting to show Team Equestria, the political comedy from 2004. The film's tagline is 'Putting the 'F' back in friendship.'

But some are more wary of the potential consequences the film could bring.

"Think about it, if the Griffon's made a movie about assassinating Princess Sparkle, would we not be offended and ask it to be pulled?"

The commentator above seemed to not notice our journalist team shaking their heads.

Author's Note

Fuck off, Sony. If you want to preserve an ounce of your dignity, #ReleaseTheInterview

Sign the petition here!

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Hearts and Hooves 2015

Dear Princess Twilight,

Please don't be sad that Flash had sudden unexplained duties "abroad" and that you'll be spending Hearts and Hooves Day alone.

Because when you think about it, no one loves you on any other day of the year either.

Sincerely,
Rainbow, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity

Dear Princess Cadance,

I thought you had assured me that Flash was cleared of any assignments this week. What the hell? This is your fault, so you'd better be prepared to share my brother.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Flash was very insistent, I'm afraid, and I owed him a favor after that one time Shining couldn't keep it up long enough. But don't worry, I'll get in touch with Luna and make sure to have something good for you tonight.

Sincerely,
Cadance

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Gotta Bitch'em All

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Gotta Bitch'em All

Dear Ash Ketchum,

Hey there asshat. I became a princess in three years.

Say, how's that "Pokemon Master" life goal working out for you?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Mr. Ketchum,

Please forgive our realm for that last letter. Princess Twilight's been drinking, and she discovered Spike's Inter-dimensional setting.

Cordially,
Princess Celestia of Equestria

Dear Ash,

Hey, can I ask you a question? Just how rare are those rare candies?

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie,

If you talk to an old man and then go swimming for some missing numbers, not rare at all.

-Ash

Author's Note

This letter is the result of ramen and cheap imitation Mountain Dew at 5:00 AM. No regrets.

Hiatus Finale: Letter From A Third Generation Friendship Student

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Finale
Letter From A Third Generation Friendship Student

Dear Princess Celestia,

Let me say that I'm very excited to get this special assignment from you, and I'll do my very best to not let you down. I'll head down to Ponyville to make sure everything is ready to go for the Glitter Celebration.

I must say, this town is a charming little place. So much laughter, fun, and tea parties. I may never want to leave here! My first stop was Silly Filly Farms, and boy, was there ever the silliest pony running the place. Bumping into gates and knocking over fences, but the food tasted delicious. I ate a little too much and gave myself a tummy ache, but there was more work to be done!

Next up was the stylish weather pony Rainbow Dash. She cleared the sky in ten seconds flat! But thanks to her Rainblow Dry, I now had a hairmergency. I had to get my coiffure taken care of pronto! The decorator Rarity was more than happy to help me with that. She was so cute that she woke Spike up from his 1000-year nap. What's more? He made me a princess! Yay!

The music was provided by a beautiful bird choir conducted by Fluttershy. It's just too bad she wasn't able to set an aquarium up with some seaponies for some shoo-be-doo accompaniment. Lastly, the pre-party was thrown by Pinkie Pie. Tea and cupcakes and hot sauce! So because the celebration went off without a hitch, I'm making all my friends princesses too!

Sincerely,
Princess ~~Wysteria~~ Twilight

Author's Note

Before you say it, allow me.

I knew I had wanted to do a chapter for April 1st for awhile, and the premiere date for Season 5 gave me the perfect opportunity for me to make it the Hiatus Finale as well. The working title for this was Letter From A Gruntled Friendship Student, but then as I started to work on it, I decided to make it even worse and give it a G3 vibe. I hope you've enjoyed another disgruntled hiatus filled with ponified politics and real world events. Bring on Season 5!

The Cutie Map / Cutie Markless

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Cutie Map / Cutie Markless

Dear Council of Friendship,

Why do all of you seem to be questioning the fact that we'd get an awesome castle after beating a super villain? Who wouldn't want to sit around all day on a throne? Isn't that what Celestia and Luna do all day? Yeah, Luna may wander through dreams, but hey, free porn. Who wouldn't?

So let me get this straight, Fluttershy; you would face potential danger rather than discuss hoofball with Big Mac? You must either hate Big Mac, or hoofball. One of the two.

We all board the Friendship Express. That's another thing. If we rule the Kingdom of Friendship, I hereby motion for a new, more badass looking train. Kind of like the one Cadance has, but better. Who's with me? Anyway, we take it to one of the eastern termini, and come across a village where everybody has a destiny in fancy mathematics. I don't think Applejack is going to like this place one bit.

One by one, they welcomed us to their town quite simply. I think I heard one of them follow up with "You've got mail," but I can't be sure. The mayor, Starlight Glimmer, gave us a tour, along with a song and dance with the townsfolk. After that, the town baker gave us some muffins, and they were quite disgusting. But we'll take some for the road. That retarded mailmare in Ponyville will probably love these. Afterwards, Sugar Belle, fed up with her baked bads, told us about the Cutie Mark Vault, where they surrendered all their cutie marks for a chance at a better life. I wonder if they accidentally put Hay Life 3 in there too.

Starlight catches us off guard, and take our cutie marks, and puts us in the Conversion Cottage. Let me tell you, that door was shut tighter than Applejack's... Uh... Um...

Yeah, that staff played hell with my sexual innuendos.

We convinced Fluttershy to play along, and find out what was going on, and she tumbled deeper down the rabbit hole when she found out that the hypocritical bitch still had her cutie mark. Guess some ponies are more equal than others, eh Cuntlight?

But I've got to hand it to Party Favor. He was pleading for mercy after just one night with us. That morning, we expose Starlight's cutie mark, and she demands that we stop triggering her, but the townfolk wouldn't have any of it. They storm the vault and shatter it. Quite impressive for a stick she found in the desert. I'm sure if it hadn't worked, they would've thrown Double Diamond at it next.

We corner Starlight at a mountain cave by causing an avalanche. Refusing to abandon her philosophy, she teleports away. I guess she couldn't handle all that whiteness.

I'm sure we'll meet again. Ponies like her can never go long without attention whoring.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Thanks for getting our cutie marks back and all, but for the record, I was pleading for mercy because you spent all night hitting on me.

Sincerely,
Party Favor

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm onto you, bitch.

Starlight Glimmer spent years studying magic? Just like, oh, I don't know, Sunset Shimmer? So what, you had to have TWO failed students before you came to me? Or are there more similarly named ponies whom you screwed over?

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Um, nope. Just two. Yeah. Two, let's go with that.

-Princess Celestia

Dear Sugar Belle,

You'd better sleep with one eye open, missy. No one commits that kind of crime against muffins and gets away with it.

-Derpy Hooves

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Plan foiled, eh? Yeah, I know how that feels.

But if you can find your way to the magical mirror in the crystal castle, come cross on over. There's a website here that you'll feel right at home with.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Party Favor,

If you'd like to come up with a song and dance routine for your new, happier version of your village, I'd be happy to help out.

Sincerely,
Left Shark

Author's Note

Castle Sweet Castle

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Castle Sweet Castle

"Alright girls, think. What was it that Twilight loved so much about living in the Golden Oak Library?"

"Um, nothing. She thought this place was a backwater town full of hicks that wasn't worth her time. She just stayed here to get away from Celestia."

"Well, 'ah can't really blame her there. Rarity, remember that one time we got stuck in the library during that thunderstorm, and she tried to get the two of us in bed with her?"

"Remember the time I purposefully waited for her to finish sorting, then "crash" into the shelves after my Sonic Rainboom attempt?"

"Remember the time we all conspired to get her sent back to Magic Kindergarten?"

"Remember the time right after her coronation where she summoned us all to the library to learn about the benefits of-"

"NO!" the other four screamed at Pinkie.

"Darling, I thought we agreed to never speak of that again."

"Alright alright. I'm sure that we can all agree that the more inviting we make this castle, the more time she'll spend in it, the less time she'll spend with us, and the less she'll be seen around town. That just means better things for everypony."

Dear Council of Friendship,

I must say, thank you for the spa treatment. It was very nice. After that, Fax Machine and I visited the remains of the library, and a button prompt appeared.

'Press F to pay respects.'

Weird.

So then he decides he wants a bed. I wonder why Quills and Sofas has beds. Maybe they're expanding.

When we finally get back to the castle, we notice that you all have done absolutely nothing.

Oh, wait, would you look at that. You turned the ass of a tree into a chandelier, and decorated it with gems filled with memories of the last five unpleasant Celestia damn years. It's just what this castle needed. So what happened to the basement of the library? So now there's just a hole in the ground with scientific equipment in it?

Thanks, but guess what? The halls still fucking echo. Pathetic.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rarity,

Look, it's been nice. You know, four plus years at not having my affections returned at all. So this is goodbye.

Bulk Biceps took me to the gay side of the spa, and... Um...

Fax Machine? More like Fabulous-ass Machine from now on.

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Spike,

Perfectly fine darling. You can go.

Right after you give me royalty payments for that plush you sleep with.

-Rarity

Dear Angel,

Lock me out again, and I'll get your face really acquainted with a mud puddle. So long that you just might drown.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Dear Council of Friendship,

Why did you all have Spike delay Twilight until Sunset? I'm not coming back. My past is not today. Your human versions are so much more willing to put out.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Author's Note

Tanks For The Memories

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Tanks For The Memories

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Alright, let's just calm the fuck down here.

Remember when I first came to Ponyville? Winter only lasted one day. You can't live without your turtle for one day?

And really? This is NOT your first winter without him. If I recall, we performed the Hearth's Warming Eve play in Canterlot the winter after you first got him. So what gives?

You didn't have to go and create a nuclear winter for Ponyville.

-Twilight

To the desk of Princess Twilight,

Oh, we don't keep track of time by the seasons. If you haven't noticed, the snobs up in Canterlot change the seasons in a timely manner, but us? We just change them whenever we feel like it.

Cordially,
Mayor Mare

Dear Rainbow Dash,

No no no! When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Demand to see life's manager! I'm the man who's gonna burn your winter down! With lemons!

Sincerely,
Cave Johnson

Personal Journal of Twilight Sparkle

According to the evidence I have seen today, I have made an amendment to the stages of grief, and will be forwarding it to Equestria's Board of Psychologists for approval:

The Five Six Stages of Equestrian Grief
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Millions of bits in industrial property damage
5. Depression
6. Acceptance

Personal Journal of Rainbow Dash

Alright, alright, I'm ready to confess. The reason I didn't want Tank to hibernate now is... Well...

The sex.

I mean, how the hell am I going to get off now? Have you seen how slow he is? I've always came 4-5 times before he works his way up to it.

I mean, I guess, maybe, I could give Twilight a call...

Author's Note

Thanks, Larson.

Appleloosa's Most Wanted

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dear Braeburn,

So when we first get to town, your right foreleg is injured, and then later during the rainstorm, your left leg is injured.

I know there aren't many things to do out on the range, but maybe you need to stop clopping so hard.

Your cousin,
AJ

Dear Sheriff Silver Star,

If I've still got to face charges for the damages I've caused, why don't y'all go tell the Weather Factory to do the same to Rainbow Dash.

Respectfully,
Troubleshoes

Dear "Mob Ponies",

I love how you two always have a torch and pitchfork.

But Baltimare is that way.

Sincerely,
Sheriff Silver Star

Dear Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo,

If ponies assume fillynapping whenever we run off, do you gals think we could fool Ponyville that Big Mac rapes fillies in the apple cellar?

Sincerely,
Apple Bloom

Dear Applejack,

Alright, cuz. Let's see. First, you poked Big Mac's injury at the Acres during Applebuck Season, then you force fed Rainbow Dash when she was injured at the Equestria Games Qualifications, and now you hoofbump my bad leg.

Do you have a bandage fetish or something?

Sincerely,
Braeburn

Dear Braeburn,

Shit, that's nothing. You should see what they do over here when a horse has a broken leg.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Tank,

Hey, it's not winter anymore. You can come out of hibernating now.

Tank?

...Tank?

-Rainbow Dash

Author's Note

Make New Friends But Keep Discord

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Make New Friends But Keep Discord

Memo to the Canterlot High Society Club

I hereby motion to cancel several of our monthly garden parties and have a larger gathering outside of town with a bigger budget.

It is glaringly obvious that we can no longer count on the Grand Galloping Gala to be a classy event, so we must organize an event of our own. I don't care how bored that troll we call a princess gets, or how my husband enjoys “charmingly rustic,” some of us do have standards.

I look forward to hearing suggestions for possible venues.

Sincerely,
Fleur de Lis

Dear Princess Twilight,

We here at the Foal Free Press are doing an article on reactions to Haylyn Jenner, and we would like your input. We anticipate hearing from you!

Sincerely,
Featherweight

Dear Foal Free Press,

Alright, listen the fuck up. I'd like to know why you feel you need to fish for everyone's opinion on somepony's personal life. Personally, I think the bitch was insane doing that photoshoot for Vanity Foal.

Want my opinion? I don't give a fuck. The only thing that would get me to care is if he, she, what-the-fuckever wanted to come over to the castle for some action in the sack, and honestly, at that point I wouldn't care if they had a cock, clit, or tentacles.

So please, go send these requests to ponies who hilariously believe that their personal opinions matter and require spreading.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You know I appreciate your continued business at Hay King, but I have to remind you that we have our hours posted on the door. The lobby closes at 11pm. So once the clock strikes 11, please do not continue to stand at the counter and hit on our cashier. That means get the fuck out of my lobby. If you want to order something after 11pm, please feel free to go to the trot-thru.

Sincerely,
Sesame Seed
Hay King General Manager

Dear Sesame Seed,

Fine.

I'll go to Sweet Apple Acres and get myself a Big Mac.

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone

To: Lara Croft (TombTitties@playstation.net), Nathan Drake (TestosteroneRaider@playstation.net), Indiana Jones (nukethefridge@lucasfilm.com), Daring Do (AKYearling@Equestriapublishers.net)
Subject: Idol of Boreas

Alright folks. Becoming a closer-knit community is all well and good, but last I checked, friendship doesn't put food on the table or bits in the pocketbook. So we're suggesting a little contest.

Whoever gets the Idol of Boreas from the Abysmal Abyss gets the rights to the adventure for their next book, game, or film.

Thanks, and best of luck.

Regards,
Gruff the Griffon

Attention citizens of Griffonstone,

Now that we've started to clean the town up, inspectors have found what appear to be vaginal secretions on the statue of King Grover. If you know of any leads as to who committed this defilement, please see me immediately.

Sincerely,
Gilda
Head of Griffonstone Inspection Team

Slice of Life

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Slice of Life

Dear Sister,

Were we not clear on the arrangements for alternating wedding gifts? I did Cadance and Shining Armor, and you were supposed to do this one. Get it together, Sunbutt.

Sincerely,
Luna

Dearest Sister,

Really? You handled the gift for their wedding? Would that be before or after you slept through a changeling invasion and then showed up for the reception?

Sincerely,
Celestia

P.S. And keep it up with the Sunbutt. No, seriously. I've been meaning to test my new catapult out on something. I wonder if I could launch your Haystation 4 all the way to Ponyville.

Dear Lyra and "Bon Bon",

Look, you may be able to fool some of Ponyville, but you can't fool me. Just friends? Yeah right. I've seen versions of you two that you don't even know about.

And let me tell you, they were two cheeks away from making out on a grand piano during a music competition.

Which, come to think of it, would have probably secured them the win.

But I digress. Save your breath and drop the charade.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight

Dear Vinyl,

That was a wonderful performance we put on for Cranky and Matilda's wedding.

What do you say we go to our bedroom tonight and make some more music?

Sincerely,
Octavia

Dear PoniTunes,

Suck it.

Sincerely,
Derpy aka "Muffins"

Dear DHX Animation,

Thanks so much. If there's anyone who can make 22 minutes about kissing ass, it's you guys.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Author's Note

And yes, I recently found out that it was iTunes, not angry soccer mom emails, that instigated Derpygate.

If there's anything worse than changing something after someone got offended, it's changing something BEFORE they got offended.

Princess Spike

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Princess Spike

Dear Fax Machine,

You're fired.

If it wasn't clearly obvious when you screamed in the room, I can sleep harder than Luna does through a Changeling invasion.

I'd tell you to pack your things, but I don't want you to turn into Faxzilla on your way out of town. So just get the fuck out.

Your former mistress,
Princess Twilight

Author's Note

Yeah, sorry. That's all I've got for this one. There are times when I'm really good at picking apart episodes I disliked, then there are times...

The only good thing about this one was the Whinnyapolis ambassador.

Anyways, yeah. This episode was extremely mediocre, and bordered on a waste of 22 minutes.

Spike needs some character development, and he needs it badly.

Party Pooped

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Party Pooped

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know we're the Council of Friendship, so I think we deserve to know why you want to become friends with Yakyakistan. Seriously, these guys are assholes. Something's not exactly like it is at home? SMASH!

So come on, what gives?

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack
Council of Friendship

To the Council of Friendship,

We have shown interest in Yakyakistan because of their oil subsidies. I feel it's an industry we should really invest in, because everything around here is currently horse powered.

I figured the Council of Friendship would be perfect for the job, because the five of you are the best experts in Equestria about becoming friends with an asshole.

Besides, if they went through with their threats of war, all I'd have done is keep the sun at high noon and melt all the snow in Yakyakistan. Flooded. Bam, no more Yaks, all the oil for us.

Come to think of it...

Dear Diary,

My journey north was interesting to say the least.

Cherry Jubilee is going to want to check her route next time, and avoid ravines before putting her chariot into Sleep Mode.

That and stop slamming outhouse doors in my face.

-Pinkie

Dear Pinkie,

We know the Cakes specialize in cakes and other confectioneries, but we're wondering if we could place a rather special order. Apple Bloom did the math, and we need enough quesadillas for a circumference around the castle.

Think they'd be up for it?

Sincerely,
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity

Author's Note

Amending Fences

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Amending Fences

Dear Spike,

Damn, Twilight is right. Can't you do anything right? Next time I have a picture taken with the princess, it'd be great not to have your claw in the frame. Sheesh.

-Minuette

Dear Moondancer,

If I had known that you wanted to make love to me so badly, I wouldn't have ignored you all that time. I missed all the signs. Sitting next to me in the science lab, styling your mane just like mine.

If you're still interested, please come to my castle in Ponyville anytime.

-Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Oh I see. When you have some apologizing to do, go and get all of Moondancer's other friends, and even back to Ponyville to get Pinkie Pie, but leave me behind. I see how it is.

Fuck you guys. Friendship is fraud.

-Lyra Heartstrings

Dear Pony Joe's Canterlot Location,

I looked up and down your entire menu, but I did not see Revenge listed under your dishes served cold.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Diner

Author's Note

Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?

Dear Princess Angst,

Alright, so you're feeling guilty? About what happened one thousand years ago? Seriously?

Alright, history books are a little foggy on the issue, but I can't imagine Celestia waiting too long before confronting you about not lowering the moon. Plus, the vision I had during the Everfree Invasion proves that when she did confront you, your coup lasted just about two minutes.

Last I checked, the crops were okay, no one starved, and no one died. I really don't know what you mean by the "suffering" you caused. It was just a little sibling rivalry that could have destroyed a nation, but didn't. Not that big of a deal.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Luna,

Hey, glad you're feeling better. We would just like to check on one thing; you're the only one whose feelings can erupt out of the dream world, right? The last thing we need is Twilight's lust to physically manifest itself and rape every living thing in town.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity

Dear Princess Celestia,

Since we have royal representation for daytime, nighttime, sex, and friendship, I think it's time we form the Royal Farming Division.

I can come up with a shortlist of candidates to oversee said division.

Sincerely,
Big Macintosh

Dear Lyra and Bon Bon,

So, when you combine to form LyraBon, which one eats, and which one shits?

Or are your asses joined together somewhere to become the ultimate fertilizing machine?

-Twilight

Author's Note

At the very least, we go into this hiatus on a high note. Two absolutely phenomenal episodes in a row. Princess Spike and Party Pooped had me worried for a couple weeks, but they've clearly still got it.

Friendship Games

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Friendship Games

Dear Rainbow Dash,

The following scenarios can be considered emergencies:

-Someone is hurt
-Magical threat

Your inability to rock out does not fall under any of those categories. I mean come on, you're the lead guitarist of our band, and you don't have spare strings in your case, but Sunset, our backing guitarist, does?

Maybe we have this backwards.

-Applejack

"Alright, everyone. Let's not get too competitive before the games even start." Applejack said, breaking up Rainbow Dash and Indigo Zap

"The games aren't really competitive since we've never lost." Sugarcoat sneered.

"That's not a very nice thing to say." Fluttershy mused.

"Sorry dearie, but these games aren't about being nice." Sunny Flare interjected.

"O... Oh. I'm terribly sorry. We must be in the wrong school. Please, tell us, where are the Friendship Games being held this year?"

"That was awesome!" Rainbow exclaimed, rushing up on stage to congratulate Sunset on her valiant attempt at math.

"Truly amazing!" Rarity chimed in.

"But, we didn't win." Sunset countered, wondering why her friends were cheering her loss.

"That was as close to winnin' as Canterlot's ever been." Applejack stated.

"I suppose," Sunset began, looking back at the geometry problem on the chalkboard. "I'm usually pretty good at geometry, but I forgot to factor in my number one weakness in mathematics; singing students behind me."

Dear Bronies,

Hey, is it alright if I start dating human Twilight? Or am I not allowed to love yet?

Sincerely,
Flash Sentry

Dear Flash,

You're kidding right? You baked a loaf of bread and put sprinkles on it for fuck's sake. What woman would want you?

Bon Bon

"Oh, it puts you on a playing field alright." said Applejack, who pointed over to the heavily-modified track and field. Pinkie Pie let out a gasp.

"Am I the only one who thinks this is overkill? What are they gonna do, make us ride motorbikes?" Sunset Shimmer asked.

Rarity scoffed.

"Don't be ridiculous. That is the stupidest thing to ever come out of your mouth. Friendship Games on motorbikes. Come on."

Dear 'Shadow ~~Six~~' Five,

Well well, look at my fantastic ass now! Yeah, thought we were all gonna share the magic and 'pony up'? Well, it's all mine. Fuck all of you. Or should I say...

Bullseye, bitches.

-Midnight Sparkle

Lyra looked down into the gaping hole in the front walk of the school, and saw ponies by the pavilion.

"Oh my God, they DO exist!"

Lyra gazed up at the hole that had formed in the sky, and the anthropomorphic creatures currently hanging on for dear life.

"Sweet Celestia, they DO exist!"

"So what kind of paperwork do we need to start to get the transfer in order?" Twilight asked Vice Principal Luna.

"Oh, we don't do that here. Sunset Shimmer just showed up and became popular, your 'Princess' double from Equestria just walked right in. Oh, and those sirens did too. I'm not even sure where Sunset lives. Probably somewhere in the school. I mean, if "Princess" Twilight can spend a night in the library, Sunset's probably been here for years. I wonder where those sirens got off too after the Battle of the Bands."

"Oh them?" Applejack asked, overhearing the conversation. "They got jobs and an apartment in the city. Sonata's doing the best; she's the assistant manager at Derek Jeter's Taco Hole."

Dear Twilight,

So, you really want to transfer? Why not stay with us, and help us learn about the magic of friendship?

Sincerely,
Lemon Zest, Sour Sweet, Indigo Zap, Sugarcoat, and Sunny Flare

Dear Lemon Zest, Sour Sweet, Indigo Zap, Sugarcoat, and Sunny Flare,

Let me think about that for a second.

And done.

Today, I was blackmailed into a sporting competition I'm no good at, insulted by my teammates, my accomplishments in said competition were ignored completely, my opponent was the one who helped me during archery, I was screamed at when I accidentally unleashed carnivorous plant life during the motocross race, and last but not least, blackmailed again into using a magic-capturing device I barely knew anything about.

In short, kiss my pristine purple ass, you preppy pansy pussies.

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

First off, thank you in advance for closing all those inter-dimensional tears in space. But for future reference, could you have any and all magical battles away from the statue and entrance? That front walk has seen some serious shit.

Sincerely,
Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna

Sunset, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy were having a small lunch out by the statue, waiting for any word from the other side of the portal. Suddenly, the wall turned translucent, and Princess Twilight came sliding through the portal.

"Sorry I'm late, I just got your messages because I was stuck in a time loop and-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa Twilight," Pinkie began. "Listen, production and airing schedules have been really messed up, so don't give away anything for the finale yet, alright?"

Princess Twilight looked down to Sunset Shimmer, who was sitting at the corner of the statue, eating.

"Hey, thanks for filling in. Say, that's a pretty good sandwich. Get back in the kitchen and make me one."

Groaning, Sunset got up to go to the cafeteria. Princess Twilight then noticed, at the other side of the picnic blanket, her counterpart in this world.

"And you," she began, pointing at her with bedroom eyes. "You. Me. Sunset. Gymnasium storage closet. Fifteen minutes."

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, so if those anthropomorphic humans can "pony up" then surely we have some kind of magic untapped within us, right?

We must begin to research the possibilities. We must unlock the secrets, and learn to "homo up"!

Sincerely,
Lyra Heartstrings

Author's Note

Made in Manehattan

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Made In Manehattan

Dear Rarity,

Alright, listen up, you fashionista fuckwad.

Last I checked, you're a unicorn, and you deal with clothes professionally every single day.

So why the hell would you ever think I would want some old hat from a street vendor over my pa's family heirloom? Ever think of that before you just up and threw it away? Ever think you could just work a little of that fucking unicorn magic and fix it instead?

Say, you remember how much farmwork you did to impress Trenderhoof last year? Well, I hope you enjoyed it. You're gonna be quite busy working off that hat. In the orchards and in my bed.

Pucker up, buttercup.

Sincerely,
Applejack

Author's Note

Quick edit for a perfect response from a reader:

Brotherhooves Social

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06 and MixMassBasher

Brotherhooves Social

Dear Applejack,

For a bunch of inbred hicks, your family sure is awfully politically correct. That bullshit needs to stop.

"Loose definition" of what constitutes a sister? How about no. Instead, how about this: In order to be considered sisters, you both have to have vaginas, and speaking of vaginas, you have to come out of the same one. Sisters.

Really, it's not that hard. Your Social is getting as ridiculous as that Jenner stallion that wants to be considered a mare just because he says so.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Director of the Ponyville Region Social Gathering Oversight Committee

Dear Sister,

I think we forgot to attend the Sisterhooves Social again, didn't we?

Sincerely,
Princess Luna

Dear Shining Armor,

I would be glad if you don't dress up as a mare like Big Mac to make me "happy". It feels weird. Even for me. I would prefer you bucking me instead.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Big Mac,

Well I do declare that at the next Apple family reunion, we're gonna have a long talk about identity theft.

Sincerely,
Cousin Orchard Blossom

Dear Big Mac,

Is that my Old Dress? Could have sworn it used to be Blue and Black. Or was it White and Gold?

Confused,
Granny Smith

Dear Diary,

Ever since Twilight and her friends stopped sending me letters, I have had an awful lot of time to myself. I've been using a lot of that time to think about Twilight's trips through the mirror to that alternate dimension, and I've been reading her reports on her adventures there. Something is perplexing me.

My parallel self is the principal of a high school over there. So, is she a principal because I'm a princess, or am I a princess because she's a principal? Has she been running that school for one thousand years? Did she send her sister to the moon space camp for one thousand hours?

JUST WHO THE FUCK AM I?!?

-Princess Celestia

Author's Note

Princess Celestia's existential crisis is brought to you by me doing my dishes by hand tonight since the dishwasher decided to have a mental breakdown.

Crusaders of the Lost Mark

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Crusaders of the Lost Mark

Hey dad,

You do know about this little thing called divorce, right? Is mom like, really great in bed or am I missing something else here? Because I've turned over a new leaf at school, and from where I'm standing, that cunt became useless after she popped me out.

Think about it.

Love,
Diamond Tiara

Princess Celestia sat in her throne room, performing the trivial, mind-numbing routines that befell Equestria's princess, when suddenly out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a green sparkling trail of smoke coming towards her window.

"No... No way... NO WAY! Oh myself oh myself oh myself... Luna! LUNA! Get in here! It's a LETTER!!!"

Luna burst into the throne room just as the smoke trail burst and materialized into a sealed scroll.

"Well no shit, you're not completely forgotten about. What has it been, two years?"

Celestia opened the letter and disappointment began to show on her face.

"That's it? Just a picture?" Celestia said, dumbfounded.

Luna came around and looked at the photo herself.

"Well what do you know? The three stooges finally got branded."

"I give it a week before they're bored."

Dear Diamond Tiara,

Look, are you sure they didn't get the scripts mixed up or something? Because as it stands, you've got more character development than me.

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Spike,

Yeah, and it happened in just about ten minutes for me. You've had five years, and all you've managed to do is hoard a shitload of items, go on a quest of discovery where you pretty much decided you were happy where you were in the first place, and managed to piss off an entire royal summit. Hell, the only time you really made a difference was in a comic book. Sucks to be you, Fax Machine.

-DT

Author's Note

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06 and MixMassBasher

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows

Dear Scootaloo,

So, caught you with that baby balloon bottle and I was wondering if you want to try out some baby fetishes I always wanted to try. I am an expecting mother, after all.

Overbearing,
Princess Cadance

Dear Fax Machine,

I know it was you who burned my comic. That was a rare one! Pay up.

Angrily,
Shining Armor

Dear Shining Armor,

I was HELPING! Do you want to get sucked into that Sailor Moon comic I burnt? No thank you!

Disgusted,
Spike

Dear Pinkie Pie Princess Unikitty,

Where have you been? Us master builders need to assemble.

In Need of Assistance,
Emmet Brickowski

Dear Shining Armor,

Thanks for the surprise at the party. Now, how about you come into my bedroom for my buried treasure.

Horny,
Twilight

Dear Granny Smith,

Now why in the hay did Mom and Dad take THAT photo. Twilight is for sure blackmailing this.

Depressed,
Applejack

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Don't worry. There'll be more surprises to come.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Shining Armor,

My bed or yours? Tonight. Pick one. Or there won't even be ashes left of the rest of your comics.

No way you and that knocked-up bitch are leaving me high and dry. I'm gonna have your foal, too.

Love, your irresistible sister,
Twilight

P.S. Hehe, you could say I'm "irresisterble."

Author's Note

Hearthbreakers

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hearthbreakers

Dear Diary,

So the Pie family works on a rock farm, eats rock soup for Hearth's Warming Eve dinner, and gives each other rocks as presents.

Gee, I wonder what kind of music they like...

And yeah, we tried to force our traditions on them. Duh! How do you think Celestianity spread across the world?

-AJ

Dear Bic Mac and Marble Pie,

I've noticed that all you two really say is "Mmhmm" and "Eeyup".

I'd like to introduce you to some rednecks who hang out by the fence and drink beer all day.

Sincerely,
Limestone Pie

P.S. No fucking on Holder's Boulder!

Dear Maud,

What was with Boulder at the dinner table? Are you trying to turn him into a cannibal?

-Pinkie

Author's Note

What About Discord?

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

What About Discord?

Dear Princess Twilight,

Really? Are you really that shocked that your "friends" didn't want to interrupt your booksortation?

Maybe you should stop worrying about what your friends are doing without you, and start worrying about whomever left those binoculars in those bushes over there.

Just a suggestion.

Sincerely,
Discord

P.S. I would also start being aware of your surroundings when you go out to dinner with your friends in Canterlot, too.

Dear Pinkie "McPie"

Please return my vest, my glasses, and the keys to the DeLorean.

Trust me, time travel just fucks shit up. When you add in the power of love and friendship, you're just asking for a disaster.

Sincerely,
Marty

Dear Marty,

Sure thing. I left it over there on the train tracks.

-Pinkie

Author's Note

The Hooffields and McColts

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Hooffields and McColts

Dear McColts,

I can't believe you fell for the cake.

Everypony knows the cake is a lie!

-Twilight

Dear Fluttershy,

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the map just had you come along because "animals".

To think I could've had some time to myself. It would have been so nice to just recline and watch these two families play catapult.

-Princess Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I don't care how spread out your books are, stay the fuck off of my throne. Celestia only knows where that ass of yours has been.

-Applejack

Author's Note

150 chapters of McBitchyPants Twilight!

The Mane Attraction

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Mane Attraction

Dear Applejack,

What's that? You're overly concerned about somepony you knew since you were a filly, who used to be all nice, but now she's a rude, demanding asshole?

I'd love to help, really I would, but don't ya think yer bein' a tiny bit possessive of her?

Sincerely,
Karma, you bitch.
AKA Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville

Dear Svengallop,

Prince Blueblood, and I would like to invite you to the Equestrian Assholes Club.

We meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays for tea and politics.

Cordially,
Spoiled Rich

Author's Note

And there we go. All caught up, finally, after trailing for most of the season.

Bring it on, Starlight!!!

The Cutie Re-Mark

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06 and MixMassBasher

The Cutie Re-Mark

Dear Twilight,

So you're saying after going through all these timelines, that there wasn't a single instance of you just not showing up to Ponyville, and the rest of us living happy lives?

Bullshit.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

The easiest solution was to terminate Starlight's younger self before doing all that shit. Hasta la Vista to the bitch.

Sincerely,
~~Arnold Schwarzenegger~~ Cyberdyne Systems Model 101

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

I'm terribly sorry for what happened to you. Every year, we send out school recruiters to see if there's any potential students whose parents cannot afford to bring them to the entrance exam. We must have missed you.

~~So, I hereby invite you to enroll in my School For Gifted Unicorns.~~

~~Sincerely,~~
~~Princess Celestia~~

Dear Sunbutt,

Get lost, bitch. This one is mine.

-Twilight

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

You are hereby invited to enroll in Twilight's School for Sexy Unicorns.

Classes are held in my quarters. Starting tonight.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Well, since I'm going to be living here now, may I offer you a little advice?

Hire some castle guards. You have no idea how easy it was for me to get in here.

And no, I didn't spend the entire time reclining on Fluttershy's chair. I went through your entire lingerie drawer.

Please seek help.

Your new student,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

I've also noticed some peculiar naming conventions among those ponies whom Celestia either doesn't notice, or fails out of her school.

So I'd like you to keep an eye on her school's enrollment sheets for anypony named Seafood Dinner. I'm pretty sure they'll be the next student here.

-Twilight

Dear Sunburst,

What gives? Why did you completely ignore me after you got your mark? We were best friends. We were supposed to grow up and fall in love and get married and have a cute foal and call him Starburst. They'd grow up to make the most delicious candy.

-Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starbright Grammar,

I'm sorry, do I know you?

Sincerely,
Sunburst

Dear Starlight Homewrecker,

Hey, you. Twilight's first true student here. Hooves off. Twilight is mine, you hear me?

If not, you're gonna find out what my foot plus your ass "equals."

Your first and only warning,
Sunset Shimmer

P.S. Yes, both versions of her are mine, you tattoo-stealing tramp.

Dear Filly Twilight Sparkle,

I don't have much time. In the future Princess Bitchlestia causes us to live in a backwater town called Ponyville. I have idiot friends to help cheer me up. Please whatever you do, don't go for that examin-

Author's Note

And thus another season is put behind us.

Thanks for reading so far, and I'm hoping it won't be too long before I can grace you with some hiatus bonus content, as I always try to do.

<3
Miles

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Refugee Crisis

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Refugee Crisis

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
PONYVILLE VOTES TO DENY ASYLUM TO GOAT REFUGEES

Controversy is sweeping across our nation this week as the majority of cities are voting to not harbor refugee goats seeking asylum from the war-torn middle eastern nation of Cereal, known for its goat's milk and other breakfast-related exports. Ponyville is among the towns now refusing to harbor the goats.

"My voters and townsponies have spoken; we don't want them here." Mayor Mare said in a press conference after making the decision official.

"The only goats I saw in the Ponyville area were Iron Will's stage assistants, and they didn't seem so bad," Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie began. "But I've seen Goat Simulator, and I know what those creatures are capable of."

Public opinion on accepting refugees shifted drastically after terrorist attacks in Hayris, Prance, although there is mounting evidence that said refugees had nothing to do with the attacks.

Princess Twilight Sparkle could not be reached for her input, because she's currently charging 100 bits for a 30 minute interview, and we're just fucking fillies.

The Crystalling

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Memo to The Crystalling Ceremony Planning Committee

Can somepony please get down to Afriquestria and see if Rafiki can be our Crystaller?

Thanks,
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

Dear Cadance,

What the hell is with your subjects? Was there an insanely awesome rock concert or something?

-AJ

Applejack,

Yeah, sorry about that. Discord hosted the EWE's "WrestleMane-ia" event here last month. It was pretty crazy. Ponies got used to camping out for tickets and good seats.

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, that's your plan? Fly around shooting at clouds? Why not just move the sun closer to the ground? Or ask the Yaks for help. If they start trashing everything we can just leave.

-Twilight

Dear Sunburst,

So if I'm understanding this right, you have an insane amount of knowledge about how to solve problems, but don't really know how to go about solving them?

I know the perfect career path for you. Mayor, governor, congresspony. The world of politics is for you!

Meanwhile I'll just be down in Ponyville, living off of the local government.

Sincerely,
Starlight

Yer a wizard, Sunny.

-Haygrid

Well, good news. I think we can take this Relic Reconstitution tome and make it the Crystal Meth Empire's new holy book.

-Twilight

Global warming.

Brought to you by the Crystal Heart.

Dear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,

Don't worry about fixing the holes in your castle. I can build you an entirely new one with just one annoying catchy song. The only downside is that you might have to face eternal winter again.

A fellow ruler,
Queen Elsa

Ponyville's Friendship Castle was silent as the grave, as all the occupants had traveled north for the Crystal Empire's Crystalling Ceremony.

That is, until the magical portal mirror in the library began to glow. The portal opened up, and out came a gold-coated unicorn, with a red and yellow striped mane.

Sunset Shimmer planted her hooves on the ground of the castle, a double barreled shotgun in the grasp of her magic.

"Alright, where is that bitch? There can only be one student!"

To my dearest, sexiest student, Starlight,

I knew this would work out. Fax Machine didn't bother me at all today. But if you catch him flexing in front of any mirrors, feel free to bitchslap him. He's used to it.

-Twilight

Dearest teacher,

Might I suggest at the very least, you give these doors numbers? I opened one door and this evil-looking monkey just stared and pointed at me.

-Starlight

Author's Note

The Gift of the Maud Pie

The Gift of the Maud Pie
by milesprower06
Additional Contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Pinkie Pie,

So let me get this straight. You'd rather trade your signature party cannon for a rock pouch instead of, oh, I don't know, asking a close and dear friend to make it for you? Give your sister's gift a nice personal touch? No? Fine.

Bitch.

-Rarity

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You are hereby ordered to appear in court, charged with illegal firearms trading. You gave an unregistered Class 3 Artillery Cannon to a stallion without a firearms license.

Officer Judy Trots

Ms. Trots,

I'm sorry, but you'll never take me alive. I knew the day would come when Celestia would try and come for our cannons. The only way you'll get this is by prying it from my cold dead hooves.

-Pinkamena Pie

Dear Rarity,

You had better hire me to be in charge of your new shop!

Your pen pal,
Coco Pommel

"Pinkie?"

'Yes Rarity?"

"You went through all this trouble to get Maud that present but couldn't you just have given her Tom?"

"...Mother Fu—"

Author's Note

On Your Marks

On Your Marks
by milesprower06
Additional Contributions by MixMassBasher

BRO, DO YOU EVEN LIFT?

Learn how! Lifting Classes now available at Town Hall on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Instruction by Bulk Biceps.

Lift dumbbells, hay bales, boxes, buckets, baby dragons, and more!

Dear Apple Bloom,

I know it's hard to understand, but the three of you aren't joined at the hip. You have to develop what are known as hobbies. They're activities that you do with or without friends.

It's very important to have hobbies, especially for background ponies like you and me.

Your sister,
Applejack

Dear Scootaloo,

We're glad to hear you really like Bungie jumping.

Good activity to take up. It's always a good idea to jump away from a game developer when you realize they're turning to shit.

Sincerely,
Marty, Joe, & CJ

Dear Bulk,

Yeah, these holes are coming out of your next spa paycheck. Wood ain't cheap.

Sincerely,
Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom,

If you wanted to go back to crusading your cutie marks once more I could have been of assistance.

Happy to help,
Starlight Glimmer

Inquiry to the Ponyville School of Ballet,

Ya'll mind teaching a certain purple alicorn some proper dancing moves? She dances like her ass is on fire.

Hopeful for a reply,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

At least I dance better than Apple Bloom.

A much better dancer,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

HEY!!!!

You want an applesauce explosion in your throne room?

Insulted,
Applebloom

Dear Apple Bloom,

So.... Now that you have your cutie mark. We can be friends again right? ...Right?

-Twist

Dear Tree Hugger,

As flattered as I am, I think I'll pass on being a nude art model.

You might check with Twilight though.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy

Author's Note

No Second Prances

Additional Contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Twilight,

You call that proper silverware placement?

Please.

Sincerely,
Silver Spoon

Dearest Sister,

I just had the most awkward dinner. Cranky would like to know when he's getting his wedding gift.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Dear Starlight,

Alright, I'm sorry for the way I've been trying to control who you make friends with.

To show you how sorry I am, please bring your new friend to the bedroom tonight, so I can show you one of the greatest benefits of friendship.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

For the love of Celestia, don't do it. It's a trap.

-Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity

Dear Hasbro,

I've been reduced to this?

Give me a fucking episode already, or you'll be the very first company with headquarters on the moon.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Dear Bronies,

I'm baaaaccccck.

-The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear most faithful student,

Next time don't bring your new friends to the castle straight away cause next thing you know you might bring back Tirek or somepony else I dislike.

Your angry teacher,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Fax Machine,

Thanks for the heads up of Trixie being Twilight's old arch nemesis. The look on her face was completely priceless.

Your friend,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Mayor Mare,

We would like to file a harassment report on a Miss Starlight Glimmer.

Ticked off,
Mrs. Cake and Big Mac

Dear Snips and Snails,

Where were your fucking asses at during my performance. Now get your fucking flanks back to my wagon and compliment on how superior The Great and Powerful Trixie is.

Always Great and Powerful,
The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Princess Celestia,

Was this what I was like back when I was your pupil?

Curious,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

No you weren't like that.

You were much, much worse.

Your old teacher,
Princess Celestia

P.S. Why did you have to leave me behind with an ass, a mute and a retard?

Dear Twilight,

First a book fetish and now a silverware fetish? Twilight get some mental help.

Your "friends",
Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

Want to band together and mess around with Twilight?

-The Paint and Growerful Triskie and Starlight Glimmer

Author's Note

Newbie Dash

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Spitfire,

Amazing superhero landing!

But isn't that rough on the knees?

Sincerely,
Scootapool

Dash, Dash

Dash of Equestria

20% cooler she

(AAAAAHHHHHHH) *CRASH!!!*

Watch out for that tree!

Dear Rainbow ~~Crash~~ Dash,

Look on the bright side. At least they aren't teasing about how you always dress in style.

Your friend,
Fluttershy

Dear Discord,

I need a favor. A certain old nickname suddenly reminded me of some ponies I despise. Mind throwing some of my old classmates into your sock puppet dimension?

Your friend,
Rainbow ~~Danger~~ Professionalism ~~Crash~~ Dash

Three pegasi were suddenly thrown into the sock puppet dimension.

"Where the fuck are we?" Dumb-Bell cried out.

Suddenly music was played....

~It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight

Dear Spitfire,

Worst Flyer gets clean up duty? WHY!?! I'm new at this Wonderbolts business.

Frustrated,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow ~~Trash~~ Dash,

It was either that or do what the Management of Rainbow Factory does.

Your commander,
Spitfire

Dear Rainbow Dash,

That was identity theft you fucking asshole!

Ticked off,
Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack and Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

So, what did you do to that cotton candy vendor!?! I went to get a snack for myself and see the booth covered in lots and lots of pink stuff... The evidence seems to all points to you. WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK!? You stay the hell away from me...

A frightened princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rainbow Dash,

So what was Spitfire's nickname? Hm?

Was it Shitfire? Did she have the stomach flu when she ~~flu~~ flew in on her first day?

Or did she get her nickname later on? Was it Slutfire because she was a shoo-in for squad captain, but slept with the previous one anyway? Is she still putting out? Maybe she'd like to put on a private show for Ponyville's royalty.

Or was it something like 9/11 because she partied so hard upon getting promoted that she flew into headquarters?

-Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Don't worry about first impressions. I had that problem too with the Canterlot Guard. My nickname was Whining Armour cause I cry too much. Can you believe that?

Signed,
Prince Shining Armour

P.S. Tell Twily that, a few days ago, our niece was cursed by a pointy headed witch and attacked by a dark wizard with no nose. What's next? Queen Chrysalis?

Author's Note

Well, I'm very glad that all the more in-depth reviews have pretty much dismissed all the major criticisms everyone had with this episode. I honestly believe Rainbow Dash's impressions of her friends were meant to be cringeworthy, and just because you're not familiar with ritualistic hazing doesn't automatically make it bullying. Done and done.

Overall, great episode.

A Hearth's Warming Tail

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Twilight,

If you give a fucking stupid book as a hearth's warming present one more time I'm calling Dragon Lord Ember to burn this whole Crystal Palace to the ground.

One hell of scrooge,
Spike

Dear Fax Machine,

If you didn't want your comic book just say so. And I thought of being nice this year. Have a dildo instead then so you can go fuck yourself!

Your mistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Spike,

Breaking the 4th wall is our shtick. Don't push it.

-Pinkie Pie and Discord

Dear ~~Starlight Glimmer~~ Snowfall Frost,

You dare steal our shtick?

-Jack Skellington, Ebenezer Scrooge and The Grinch

Dear ~~Starlight Glimmer~~ Snowfall Frost,

You will be haunted by three ghosts of past, present and future to see the error of your ways.

Spookily,
~~Jacob Marley~~ Professor ~~Snape~~ Flintheart

Dear Ghostbusters,

I have a job for you.

Annoyed,
~~Starlight Glimmer~~ Snowfall Frost

Dear Snowfall Frost,

You mean the first ones, right? Because those new chicks fucking suck.

Sincerely,
D.A.

Dear Granny Pie,

Happy Hearth's Warming!!

How's haunting bad ponies as ghost of hearth's warming presents? I have a certain princess friend whom is in need of such a remedy.

Your granddaughter,
Pinkie Pie

"And that's a Hearth's Warming Tail!" Twilight exclaimed, slamming the book closed.

"Wow that's was actually a non-sexual themed story you read to me..." Starlight muttered.

"What! You read finished the story without me!!!" Spike screamed, running inside with three cups of hot chocolate.

"Nobody cares about you at all, Fax Machine." Both Twilight and Starlight said in unison.

Spike proceeded to dump hot chocolate on both of them before running off.

"That's it, you're sleeping outside tonight!" Twilight screamed out.

"Well anyways," Twilight removed the hot chocolate off her coat with her magic. "So how about we celebrate Hearth's Warming with me giving you a Hearth's Warming present. Just follow me to my bedroom."

"I wish I could, Twilight, but I have to figure out how to use what Trixie got me for Hearth's Warming. I guess she wants me to look more like a magician for her shows, because she got me a magic wand of some kind."

"A wand? For a magician's assistant?"

"Yeah. It's a lot bigger than any wand I've seen. It says Hitachi on the box."

"Well, try it out on Derpy. She won't get off of the tree downstairs."

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Have you heard Twilight's impression of you? It's actually not bad.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Yeah, I've heard it. Must be that special cider she makes whenever she reads "A Hearth's Warming Carol" aloud.

She always says Hearth's Warming isn't complete without a Dickens Cider.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Bronies,

Alright. I really can't figure it out.

Why are you all calling me GlimGlam?

-Starlight Glimmer

Author's Note

The Saddle Row Review

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

THE EQUESTRIA DAILY NEWS

(BY ~~J. JONAH JAMESON~~ BURIED LEDE)

RARITY FOR YOU, GRAND OPENING: A SADDLE ROW REVIEW

Many a pony have tried their hoof at joining the ranks of the elite fashion trendsetters currently ensconced in the boutiques of Manehattan's famed Saddle Row. Some might say it's the ultimate achievement in Equestrian fashion, and never before has a reporter been granted such unfettered behind-the-scenes access... until now.

~~The episode synopsis~~ Sources have stated, Rarity, the Element Bearer of Generosity, has opened up a new boutique in Manehatten after using the megaton of funding and credibility from her "going out of business/going back into business sale" in order to set up shop.

This new boutique has to face much competition here with the thrift shop down the road and the grand re-opening of an old pizzeria.

To start off, I interviewed the apparent friends of Little Miss Rarity to get the scoop of the lifetime about how the opening of the boutique came about:

What was your motivation to helping your friend, Rarity, set up shop?

"Let's get this straight, I was only helping Rarity with her boutique because she said she'd let me bone her later; latex-fetish style."

"I was only here to avoid a certain bunny from arresting me from illegal firearms trading."

"I was just forced dragged along into doing this. And in the end, I was plum tuckered out from doing all that shit. What a fashion disaster."

"I only tagged along to add twenty percent more awesomeness to it. I mean come on! Rarity's taste in fashion is complete shit now! She needs a mare like me to help shed some light on the matter. I mean, what would she do without me? Wait... Are you writing this down?!?"

"Eep!!!"

What were preparations like?

"Well, it was off to a great start!"

"No it wasn't. To start off, the place was a fucking mess. It looked like a bunch of raccoons rampaged through the whole area. Urgh! Why didn't I bring Fax Machine along..."

"Apparently all that mess was caused by a family of raccoons. Very cute. Well, if you don't count the oddball in the family that likes to steal things with its trusty cane."

"There was also this awesome club pony party palace upstairs by the one and only DJ Pon-3!!! Guess she and Octavia didn't get along in the end and she moved here. But Rarity wanted to get rid of that? What a party pooper!"

"There was an even bigger problem; the landlord's daughter. I think she was more fried than a chicken on a hot summer day. With all her fancy schmancy "ideas". Good thing my folks ain't like that."

"Yes they are, Applejack."

"Okayyy. I'll be honest, darling, it was ghastly. Everything was falling apart before we even finished sweeping. In fact, my shipment from Ponyville was a mess. Those Celestia-damned movers... Then there was a fact that Miss Pommel was sick. Sweet Celestia! Could it get any worse!?"

Was it worse?

"Yeah. It was. It would have been faster if only I had clones of myself. We’d be ten times more productive than we were currently. I could even get into a freebie gang bang orgy session with myself afterwards."

"Yeah... Making copies of yourself always sounds like a great idea, but before you know it, you're locked in a room with fifty Pinkie Pies inhaling paint fumes."

"Ahhhh! I've been spotted!" somepony cried from behind.

"Huh?" Pinkie turned around in her seat in the diner to see nothing.

"Must've be the wind..."

"Get this. Rarity tasked me to get a new salespony. What the fuck?!? She expects an awesome mare such as myself to do what she herself should be doing? That bitch! What would she do, honestly... Huh. Lemme think. Darlings, I'm absolutely doomed, doomed, doomed! Hehe, I sound just like her! Wait, you're still writing this down?"

"Well, if you don't count the fact that we locked Rarity in the window display. Oh urm... When you write the story, could you maybe skip over that part?

How did it end?

"You think a pony such as myself, who has spent years organizing books to pure perfection, would mess up? Bitch please. The whole place organized by style, cross-referenced by size, and reverse-indexed by fabric. She'll be able to find anything in three seconds flat! It was by far my best work."

"Fuck you, Twilight! That ten seconds flat meme is my line! Where's the fair use?"

"So, I hired all of them. Got a problem with that? I'm lazy, so piss off. It's Rarity’s problem to pay them afterwards."

"Well I brought the party downstairs. The strobing lights and drugs are bound to disguise any remaining mess left behind."

At this point the bill for all the food Pinkie Pie ate arrived.

"Oh. Ah... You mind paying for the bill? I'll pay it back of course. Unless you are one of those one off characters."

"In the end, I had the little raccoons dressed up to serve customers, so they could stay there. I heard a restaurant down the road does something similar with a blue rat, so why not here?"

"Well. I did like her silverware clothes idea. Quite practical. Had her serve soup alongside those damn dirty ‘coons. Doubt customers notice the difference between them with how kooky she is."

"I'm just glad it's over." Straight afterward, she fainted on the couch in front of Buried Lede, whom continued scribbling on her notepad.

And what did I think of the opening? Well, it was certainly interesting, I'll tell you that. I would certainly say it was a smashing success despite her ne'er-do-well friends. A vision of Rarity combined with the strange charm of her friends! This reporter, for one, is impressed that such a mare tolerates such friends.

Next issue: The Element Bearer of Laughter accused of illegal firearms trading.

Dear Sunburst,

Twilight and her friends ditched me. So much for friendship, I guess. Mind if I crash at your place? Just get the condoms ready.

Your old friend,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Sorry I made fun about your obsession to silverware. I think I just met somepony worse than you in that regard.

Your apologetic friend,
Applejack

Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash,

My sweeping song could have looked more spectacular if that black mouse hadn't stolen my Starswirl magician's cap!!!

Your organized spellcaster,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear DJ Pon-3,

Mind making a remix of my sweeping song?

A talented spellcaster and magician,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You're welcome,
Vinyl Scratch

Dear Friends,

You guys locked me up in a room? Seriously? The display room's conditions were simply dreadful. It's so musty and damp that my mane is in tangles. The air was so stuffy that I was suffocating. And that stench. Oh that stench. And oh my I thought I was going to die of thirst and hunger in there! What was I going to eat in there. The cloths? And furthermore....

Your oh so drama queen,
Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Stop your whining, you piece of shit! Why didn't you just teleport out like we did in the dragon lands? Guess all those times when you ~~starved yourself~~ dieted has not only made you slim, but has cut off all your functioning brain cells.

I suggest a daily dosage of TLF (Tender Love and Fucking) to fix that. Just come by the castle when you're ready.

A professional ~~rapist~~ doctor,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Buried Lede,

Thanks for paying the bill!!

Your interviewee,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Equestrian Clone Protection Program,

I need to relocate. My cover is blown.

Make sure it's somewhere fun.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pool

Dear Coco Pommel,

I see we've been calling you Miss Pommel this entire episode. What ever happened to your first name?

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Rarity,

What happened?

The pathetic horse shit that is copyright law.

Forever and always,
Coco Pommel

Dear Rarity,

You know I love books, right? Turns out I have a book full of tips on opening and maintaining small businesses.

I skimmed through it, and strangely enough, I couldn't find the tip that says "Don't wait until the day of opening to start setting up.

Probably because that's so fucking obvious that nopony thought it needed writing down. Clearly there is need for a revision now, thanks to you.

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Mr. Stripes,

Seeing as how I'm a very successful tenant who will have no trouble relocating my store elsewhere if need be, I feel comfortable saying this now.

Keep your fashion abomination of a daughter out of my decision making process, you fucking commie.

Sincerely,
Rarity

Author's Note

Apologies for all the typos everyone saw. I've spoken to my co-author. This will not happen again.

Bonus Chapter: Terror Attack In Whorelando Leaves 50 Infertile

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
TERROR ATTACK IN WHORELANDO NIGHTCLUB LEAVES 50 INFERTILE

Tragedy stuck the Whorelando area today when a unicorn burst into a nightclub and attacked innocent ponies with a rapid-fire infertility spell, becoming the latest of a string of Mooslim extremist terror attacks across Equestria. The nightclub, Flare, is known as a hotspot for gay Whorelandoans.

The unicorn has been identified as 28-year old Tumen Fuqing. His father claimed that he wasn't a radical mooslim, but he was mentally unstable and got angry when he saw two stallions kissing.

Two hours after the attack began, SMUT (Special Magic Utilization Tactics) teams were on the scene and vaporized the terrorist.

Whorelando's colt-cuddlers and filly foolers are urging the community to not use this attack as fuel for anti-mooslim rhetoric.

"They are no different than Celestian extremists, who have also carried out acts of terror recently, and who also claim same sex marriage is a sin, even though Princess Celestia has never said anything of the sort. What the Whorelando community needs right now is love."

SIDE COLUMN
PRINCESS TWILIGHT'S TWO BITS

So, the attack in Whorelando.

Let me get this straight. Hehe, straight. This was viewed as a tragedy? Um, they're gay. Why the fuck would an infertility spell even matter?

-TS

Applejack's "Day" Off

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Diary,

Today was one of the most annoying days of my fucking life, and after today's events, I really need to vent out. First off, I recall one of my old letters mentioned how Applejack needed to be not so stubborn as shit regarding her farm work and apparently she didn't learn anything at all from that. She still is overworking her ass off on that piece of laggy shit she calls a farm~~ville~~. Secondly, Fax Machine ate all my fucking pies. Does that slave of mine learn anything at all? That's it. He's starving for the next two weeks. That'll show him who's the mistress of this castle.

Anyway, on route to my disaster of a day, I met the oh so drama queen, Rarity, and she just wouldn't shut up over how she can't get Applejack to take a break and go to the spa. Who cares!?! Just get Fluttershy, or, better yet, me. I certainly would like to try one of those personal massages from those spa ponies, particularly on my marehood.

And what happens instead? Those bitches leave me behind while I get stuck doing Applejack's chore of feeding pigs. Luckily, I had Fax Machine do my work for me, though, strangely, there wasn't any progress made at all by the time Rarity and Applejack came back. Either Applejack's hoofwriting on the instructions were as legible as crap, or Fax Machine was as blind as shit.

That's another thing; why the fuck is she farming pigs? Last I checked, ponies don't get anything out of them. Who knows, maybe she's helping Pinkie Pie with an underground bacon market?

And just when I thought the job was done, I get pulled into more chores. Or rather, telling her off on how completely ignorant she was for not even noticing the hundred and one ways she's been over complicating her workload on the farm. Applejack's common sense has "honestly" left the building, everypony. 'Cause that was how she's been doing chores all this time? By Celestia, even I'm not that much of a workaholic.

So, in the end, what I learned today was that earth ponies can spot others’ mistakes but not their own. Fucking hypocrites. Clearly, I need to check that genealogy record again, because after today, I simply refuse to believe she's a fourth generation farmer.

Well, at least I got my pies... only to have them all eaten up again the next day by Fax Machine. He even had the nerve to suggest that I possibly could try helping out with Applejack's chores again to get some more pies. What was even more infuriating was him suggesting that I could try wrangling the chickens since I'm so knowledgeable on how to handle cocks. That's it! Fax Machine is going to starve for three weeks now. In the words of my former, rarely-seen teacher, lets see how he likes my pie.

A hungry hungry ~~hippo~~ pony,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

You just had to eat all the pies, didn't you?

Starving,
Spike

Dear Dragon Lord Ember,

I saw Rarity today after her usual spa session and now I really wish for you to be my new special some~~pony~~dragon.

Please reply soon.

Scarred for life,
Spike

Dear Applejack,

I get that you said before that it's very important for me to have hobbies and all but, you, on the other hoof, need to learn what relaxing is. I know it's hard to understand, but relaxing is where you don't do any activities at all, be completely unproductive and just be plain lazy.

It's no wonder you're still considered a background pony considering you're completely married to your work.

Your little sister,
Apple Bloom

P.S. My advice is to talk to Rainbow Dash. She's an expert of being a lazy ass bitch.

Dear Aloe and Lotus,

How in Equestria could you not notice a leaking pipe in your very own spa?

Your client,
Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Vhy? Vell, ve just don't realize there vas this problem as ve have so many other problems to vorry about! Like Bulk Biceps busting though ze valls of our spa for instance. Concrete ain't cheap, you know? If Bulk vasn't such a fine asset to our spa, ve might have fired him on ze spot.

Signed,
Aloe and Lotus

P.S. Besides, ve vere alvays told in Soviet Equestvia, pipes fix you.

Dear Rainbow,

What's with all the embarrassment over going to the spa? Haven't we all been there before together?

Confused,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

I guess you haven't tried their usual treatment yet, have you? You know, The Usual. Ask Rarity or Fluttershy, they'll know what I mean.

Embarrassed,
Rainbow Dash

Author's Note

Flutter Brutter

Author's Note

First off, I know, it's been forever since I've updated with an actual episode. For a few weeks there, I wondered if I was starting to finally drift away from the show and fandom. Apologies.

A big part of the reason was I just didn't find any motivation for this episode. This chapter was done by Mix in its entirety. So enjoy this solo chapter by my co-author while I begin working out my ideas for the next one.

Flutter Brutter

Dear Rainbow Dash,

So... If you aren't crushing on a magnificent stallion such as myself... Are you gay or something?

Perplexed,
Zephyr Breeze

Dear Discord,

Have your sock puppet dimension ready, I'll need it in case my little bro tries lounging his ass around in our parents home after all the shit I went through with him.

A peeved sister,
Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Oh brothers... completely worthless in every comprehensible way. To this day I still can't get my own brother to bone me!!! I feel your pain...

Also, I have the perfect job for your little brother and it involves him not having to do anything at all! You just need to have him visit my castle and stay in bed all day. With me.

Horny as fuck,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Zephyr Breeze,

Run while you still can!!!

Distressed,
Spike and Starlight Glimmer

Dear Twilight and Fluttershy,

And this is why I'm glad Hasbro gave me sisters instead...

Thankful for sisterhood,
Pinkie Pie

Spice Up Your Life

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Twilight,

So it took you all this time to figure out that the Cutie Map isn't working? Are you still running Table 95 on that thing? Time to upgrade.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Rarity,

Alright, let me see if I'm understanding this correctly; your entire career depends on you adding your own unique flair to your product. So why would you think it would be any different when it comes to the culinary world? Every restaurant we went to was horrible, and yet you thought that's what this restaurant needed? Just because sugarcubes come in cubes, doesn't mean everything has to, for Celestia's sake!

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Zesty Gourmand,

You may be a fucking pony but you act like a fucking donkey!!!

Pissed off King of Cuisine,
Gordon Ramshay

P.S. I'd give you a negative three stars for not even eating the food at all and yet rate the place anyway??? Fucking asshole!!!

Dear Zesty Gourmand,

Table for two?

-Svengallop

Dear food critics everywhere,

So yeah, sorry. I know the last five minutes of this episode was pretty much a "fuck you" to your entire profession.

Apologies,
Pinkie Pie

Author's Note

Stranger Than Fan Fiction

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fuck You! I wanted to go to Daring Do Con!!! Just send those yaks to the moon or something!!!

Your angry subordinate,
Princess Twilight

"Sister, why do you need Twilight in Griffonstone? I thought you didn't like spending time with her anymore." Luna asked.

"Oh I don't. She's a bitch. But I'm not getting much screen time at all lately, so I have to get my payback in subtle ways."

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Want to go search for the Idol of Boreas next? I mean what could possibly go wrong?

The one and only adventurer,
~~A.K. Yearling~~ Daring Do

Dear Wonderbolts,

I've been around only for three episodes thus far and yet I'm the better example of inspiration for Rainbow Dash? Pathetic!!!

The ever dashing adventurer,
Daring Do

Dear Quibble Pants,

Impossible to happen? Try visiting Ponyville then. They have the impossible happen so often that they consider it the norm by this point.

Unimpressed,
Discord

Dear Pinkie,

I think I may have found Gummy's long lost relative.

Daring Do's number one fan,
Rainbow Dash

Dear ~~A.K. Yearling~~ Daring Do,

I have this fanfiction that I wrote that you could write about for a new book series. It's basically about some sappy teen romance between a mare and a vampony with some werewolves in the mix.

Daring Do's true number one fan,
Quibble Pants

Dear A.K. Yearling,

If you ever need a co-author I could be of assistance.

Signed,
Twilight Velvet

Dear Twilight Velvet,

Sorry. Not interested. Your name reminds me too much of a certain purple pony that tried hitting on me a while back.
Signed,

~~Daring Do~~ A.K. Yearling

Dear Rainbow Dash,

You better have gotten my book signed while you were there. If not... I can forgive you... So long as we try doing a little role play on a certain erotic fanfiction you wrote on Daring Do.

Daring Do's sexy number one fan,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Applejack,

Needless to say, this was the best Daring Do Con yet. Really wish you could have come along so we could have had some "additional fun" in the hotel room during off-hours.

Love,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow,

Yeah, I really wish I could've come with you, but it's always a headache when separate conventions are held on the same weekend. I had promised Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo that I'd take them to their convention up in Baltimare. I don't know what comic they've been reading now, but they went around all weekend calling themselves the "Ponymon Tamers" or something. Spent weeks working on their costumes. What the hay is so fun about going around a convention hall all weekend in a costume anyway?

Dear Applejack,

Clearly you are not a fan of anything. I don't believe for one minute that you wouldn't go to "AppleCon" at the drop of a hat.

You know, if anyone cared that much about apples. To organize an apple convention. To pay to go into a building and hang out with other ponies who care so strongly about apples. To wear a meticulously detailed apple cosplay that you slaved over for weeks or months.

And going into the dealers hall to BUY SOME APPLES!

Sincerely,
Guilbloom, Terrierbelle, and Renaloo

Author's Note

And last but not least...

I know I was probably expected to have a field day with this, but you know what? No.

I'm just going to sit here and respect the fact that they actually got away with a bondage-themed body pillow.

The Cart Before The Ponies

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Miss Cheerilee,

How often has real physics ever played a part in our show? You should be teaching them "real" physics.

Master of cartoon physics,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

If we used "real" physics, I highly doubt any of us, you most of all, would be here right now.

Is that what you really want?

-Cheerilee

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Why couldn't you be here to start the event with you being the princess of friendship ~~with benefits~~ and all?

Signed,
Miss Cheerileeder

Dear Miss Cheerileeder,

Blame my stupidass mentor. This time Princess Celestia wanted me to go and help to with the friendship summit between the dragons. What the actual fuck!

Signed,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I can pull off that cheerleader outfit better.

Dear Dinky,

Don't join the derby this year my little muffin. Let your brother Clumsy Hooves do it. Nopony knows your brother and I are related yet.... Cause there may be a certain stir crazed white unicorn who may be after you as I won 1st place for creativity in the Applewood Derby not too long ago...

I just don't know what went wrong...

Queen of the ~~Derpy~~ Derby,
Derpy/Ditzy Doo/Bright Eyes/Muffins....

Dammit Hasbro!!!

Dear Rarity,

See you in last place you overgrown marshmallow!!! ~~I'm~~ We're taking first place for sure!!!

The Fast and The Furious,
Rainbow Dash & Scootaloo

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Remember The Running of the Leaves? We tied for last that time. I highly doubt you'll win this time. And I'll We're be winning with the most traditional cart.

Applejack & Apple Bloom

Dear Applejack,

While I can agree to the notion of the need to uphold tradition... Get with the times!! It's all about the now, the wow and the pow!!!
I'll We'll be win for sure with my our magnificent cart.

Rarity & Sweetie Belle

Dear CMC,

My advice would be to just switch with each other just before the derby started. I'd doubt your sisters would notice at all with them being wrapped up in their own disillusion of glory. Problem solved and the competition will be equal and fair for each and every pony.

Your Friend,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Are you kidding? Fair? This is cart racing. It's not about fair. It's about whipping out the red shells on the last quarter of the last lap.

-CMC

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
CRAZY CART RACE CRASHED!!!

The recent Applewood Derby has had seen better days.... The race started out without a problem before the inevitable collision between three carts. Carts were overturned and broken beyond repair, many foals were injured and there were a lot of disgruntled fans on the race being delayed. The reason? Well, you can thank three ponies for that... whom shall remain unnamed ~~despite our better judgement~~ and also the improper mapping of the race itself. Seriously why in Tartarus is the roads crisscrossed? Well... at least this crash wasn't caused by Pokemare Go players this time... What's with that anyway? Everypony knows Ponymon Tamers is the best!

-Guilbloom, Terrierbelle, and Renaloo

Those celestia-damn blue shells crashed our carts!!!

-Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity

They. Are! Not! Your!! CARTS!!!

-CMC

Dear Rainbow Dash,

It's go cart racing not bumper cars. Are you trying to get somepony killed?

Annoyed,
Miss Cheerileeder

Dear Spectators,

What the hell was that? We rehearsed this. It's Giddyup DERPY racers, not derby racers! This is going to be my brand!

Sincerely,
Derpy Hooves

Dear "Derpy",

Not according to Hasbro. Stick to baking goods.

Of the muffin variety.

Sincerely,
Derby Race Spectators

Author's Note

28 Pranks Later

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Diary,

Being a dick to everypony is fun. No wonder Twilight is such a bitch all the time.

First off, I scared the living daylight out of Fluttershy with my disguise. Why? Well let's call it payback for scaring me last Nightmare Night... Then I decided to prank Twilight with a whoopie cushion. Can't beat the classics, am I right? But my so-called friends say that my pranks have no effort? Please. I take it very seriously. Pranks for nothing you guys.

So what do I do to prove myself? Well, go on a pranking spree of course! And by Celestia, it well worth it! Switching Mrs. Cake's sewing machine shaped cake with Rarity's one was priceless! I feel sorry for the poor sucker that will eat the cake that's made of nuts and bolts. After that AJ was next up on my list of victims. I actually made her sleep with the pigs!!! After all, she is such a stubborn swine and a down to earth pony. I think my favorite prank was the double prank on Spike and Celestia. I think I pretty much gave Spike a headache and Celestia a fifty ton spam mail. I was pretty much on a pranking streak and boy was I on fire!!

And now to top it all up.... My best prank ever. I'm going to prank the whole town! I'll going to replace all the filly guide cookies with my special joke cookies that is filled with my mane colour. (Don't ask what's the dye made of. Trust me. You don't want to know)

This is going to be awesome!!!

The Pranking Queen,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Matilda,

Let's move out of this crazy town!

Your husband,
Cranky

Dear Spa Ponies,

I need a back massage for my sore back.

In pain,
Big Mac

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I do not look that fat!!

Insulted,
Ms. Cheerilee

Dear ~~Colgate~~ Minuette,

I need a dental appointment for my broken teeth.

In Pain,
Mr. Cake

Dear Rainbow Dash,

COOOOOKKKKKKIIIIIEEEE!!!!!

Hungry,
Cookie Monster

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Get ready your peashooters. There're coming.

-Crazy Dave

0900p.m.

Strange it's been a whole day... why haven't anypony noticed their rainbow dyed mouths by now? What's going on.

0915p.m.

Okay there is clearly something strange going on... What's wrong with the The Cake family? I mean Pinkie still is being Pinkie probably on some kind of new drug but The Cakes??? There's seriously something strange going on...

0920p.m.

The whole town... The whole fucking town!!! By Celestia what have I done!!! I think I just created the trotting dead!!!

0930p.m.

Oh no! Twilight and Fax Machine not you guys too! The horror! THE HOORRRROOR!!!!

0940p.m.

Oh my Celestia! Fluttershy too! I'd prefer her as a vampire bat!!!

0950p.m

Urm... it's hard to tell if Granny Smith is a zompony what with her being ancient and all....

1000p.m.

Carl! I mean Scootaloo! Run!!!

1030p.m.

Good those zomponies are so fucking slow. We managed to evade them to hide in the barn.
...
Hiding in the barn? Really? We should be hightailing out of Ponyville!!! Not get ambushed. Or better yet find Zecora for whatever voodoo magic she has to cure this zompony epidemic.

1040p.m.

It's just the last of us left and of course we get ambushed. Seriously we searched the entire barn and there was no guns, ammunition or weapons!!! What the fuck! Isn't that how zombie apocalypse work? Finding weapons scattered about randomly everywhere?

1050p.m.

Those zomponies are here!!! We barricaded the walls but the zomponies started clawing their way in muttering about eating brains. I'm pretty sure AJ should be safe from harm then.

1100p.m.

Shit!?! I'm the last survivor. Back off you zomponies!!

1110p.m.

It was all a prank...
Fuck you guys!!!

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Beat it kid! Let me show you how a real bad boy deals with zomponies. Thriller-style.

The smooth criminal,
Mikeal Jackass

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Don't feel too bad. My own friends did the exact same prank on me.

Annoyed,
~~Blooregard Q. Kazoo~~ Bloo

The entire town were laughing a storm at Rainbow's expense.

"Seriously though... Fuck you guys..." Rainbow grumbled.

"Oh come on don't like a taste of your own medicine?" Applejack replied smirking.

Rainbow answered that with a glare leading to the surrounding ponies to laugh even harder.

"Soooo... now that's over and done with... Anypony want to try a gang bang zompony orgy session?" Twilight asked.

"NOOOOO!!!" Shouted all the Ponyville Citizens.

"Hey has anyone seen Starlight?"

Meanwhile back in the Friendship Castle...There was a certain pink unicorn was hiding in the broom closet.

"This is an audio recording. It is now 1130p.m. The zomponies have infected Ponyville. I'm the last survivor... I have gathered as weapons, ammunition, food and spells so I should be safe... I will not be infected... Zomponies do your worst!!!"

Dear Rainbow Dash,

So where did you order those cookies from?

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie,

It's a bakery operation out of a mansion in the middle of the forest.

I think they make umbrellas out there too. Weird.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

Author's Note

The Times They Are A Changeling (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Author's Note

A few weeks ago before publishing this episode's Letter, I really wanted to whip out my "super short but succinct" shtick again, so I offered to give Mix his own chapter. Then, of course, vacation and long hours at work and Skyrim happened afterward. But here's his contributions, enjoy!

The Times They Are A Changeling (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Princess Twilight,

You are a fucking bitch! Ever since I made friends with Trixie you've been swamping me with so much paperwork.... Wait I mean "friendship assignments" that I haven't gone outside for a very long time! Because of you, princess, I've missed the chance to see Rarity panicking over starting her new boutique, watch ponies play bumper cars in the Applewood Derby and participate in an elaborate zompony prank on Rainbow Dash. Seriously, when was the last time I've seen sunli- AHHHH.... the light.... it burns.... So now you have the balls to decide in tagging me along to the Crystal Meth Empire? Screw your entire existence for wasting my entire Celestia-damn life! And what in equality was that cheap tailored getup Fax Machine was wearing? Where did he even get that? From the thrift shop down the road?

Since I'm going to the Crystal Empire I guess I should try to convince my ~~boyfriend~~ old friend Sunburst to move there. I'm absolutely fed up with your shit! How your friends have tolerated you all this time is beyond me... Arriving at the Empire, we end up finding it more deserted and dusty than your underused marehood. What's stranger was that the crystal ponies were avoiding the "brave and glorious" Fax Machine for once. Maybe they finally realized that dragons pose an actual threat to the CRYSTAL Empire? Soon we found out that there was a changeling spy discovered around here. So? Why can't Shining Armour and Cadence just have sex and fire that love shield and send that spy to kingdom come? You would surely want help out with that. Desperate slut! And let's get real here. A protection spell on Princess McFlurry Heart? Really? Just release all those magic restrictions on her and that changeling will ever regret coming here. That baby's a walking juggernaut!! She'll mind crush that changeling's pea-brain with just a ghostly wail!!! With all this commotion happening Fax Machine decides to give himself a clawjob on his own ego and help the guards search for the changeling. Is he for real? Those worthless guards are so one dimensional that they won't be able to find a changeling even if it's sitting right in front of them! It won't even do any good to have him tag along. Meanwhile, I'm stuck wandering around the castle. Why do castles always have to be bigger on the inside? And those broom closets. Those shitty-ass broom closets!!! There're everywhere!!! I'm getting very annoyed by them as every time I entered each broom closet, an annoying voice starts saying "Oh did you want the broom closet ending?"

The worst part of the day was when I finally got to talk to Sunburst. He said no to me moving here cause he's too busy babysitting? Bullshit! Does he not think I'm sexy enough to stay with him? I'm insulted. Once you go equal you'll never go back. Hours later of moping, those dimwitted guards came back and what a surprise! They didn't find the changeling. And then I find out Fax Machine is pen-pals with a pony named Crystal Hoof? Hate to say it buddy but Crystal Hoof probably mooching off the love and affection Fax Machine gets from the crystal ponies just to get a spot in the royal guard. Though honestly, the royal guard will need all the help they can get...

Ahhh a changeling!! Kill it with fire!!! Incinerate it or something!?! Guards!! Arrest the changeli-

Oh no.... Cover your ears!!! Fax Machine is singing!!!

And just like that, one song ballad later, everypony suddenly decides to like this changeling??? You ponies are crazy!!! If singing can cause that much mind control why didn't my song brainwash the Mane 6 to equality way back in my town??? It's times like this I wonder why don't I go back in time to prevent myself from ever meeting you. And what do I learn today? A changeling is more likable than you, Twilight Sparkle. Now you tell me what does that imply?

Your pissed off student,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Thorax,

So... Your kind can change into inanimate objects... Hmmm.... The possibilities...

Willing to experiment,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Thorax,

Consider yourself disowned by me.

By royal decree,
Queen Chrysalis

Dear Queen Chrysalis,

Want me to tell them where you've been hiding all this time? Ya... I thought so... Ponies rule!!!

The defiant changeling,
~~Thorax~~ Crystal Hoof

Dear Thorax,

Hey bro wanna hang out?

Your relative,
Kevin The Changeling

Dungeons and Discords

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Princess Celestia,

Discord is kind of getting a little too clingy. So if you don't mind and all...

Get your thousand year-old fat-ass off of that stinking throne and find a fucking way for me to avoid Discord for a Celestia damn while!!! Because guess what, sassafras? You have to make yourself fucking useful for once you lazyass cunt!!!!

Very Very Pissed,
~~Fluttercruel~~ Opposite Fluttershy

Dear Big Mac and Spike,

Sorry we couldn't join this week. Taking care of our children is a pain in the ass.

Your manly friends,
Shining Armour and Mr. Cake

P.S. Nopony had better used the infinite-sided dice. Chaos would surely occur if that fell into the wrong hooves.

Dear Discord,

So, would Twilight turn into a succubus if she entered the game?

Perplexed,
Spike

Dear Discord,

Fus!!! Ro!!! Dah!!!

-Big Mac

Dear Splatoon,

One of your squid rejects is in this episode. Please take it back.

Your interdimensional draconequus,
Discord

My dear Discord,

Allow me to tell you how impressed I am with your latest achievement with Big Macintosh and Spike.

You have removed one of the annoyances that prevented me from approaching tabletop role playing games. I've always preferred the interaction and dexterity required by video games anyways. Take Broom 4 for example. If I'm in some demon's face with a shotgun, no way in Tartarus am I going to roll a 20 sided die to see if my shot connects.

And now you have gone and made it even better than gaming with consoles.

I would love to join you for your next Guy's Night. And not to worry, I would not spoil the sacredness of the event, so I will be arriving with a futanari spell active.

Sincerely,
Princess Luna

Dear Squizard,

For the last time... My name is not Princess Shmarity. It's Starlight Glimmer!!! How the fuck did my bedroom turn into a dungeon?!?!

Confused,
Starlight Glimmer

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: On A Scale of Alligator to Gorilla, How Shitty of a Parent Are You?

Hiatus Bonus Chapter (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
DICKS OUT FOR HAYAMBE!

In late May this year, Hayambe, the last known living gorilla in Equestria, was exterminated in his enclosure in the Cincinneighti Zoo. This incident occurred due to a child getting into the gorilla enclosure. Hayambe caught hold of the child and started to drag him around forcefully until he was shot with fatal magical spell blast.

Since then, the incident has been wildly criticized by many ponies who blamed the child’s parent for the gorilla’s untimely death with most citing that a child's life is less valuable than that of an endangered animal. The most enraged over this issue was the Human-Activist group, who are firm believers of the humans. Head of this group, Lyra Heartstrings, has since then released a statement over this issue:
"I hope this child gets properly punished for his disobedience. He is the sole reason for the last possible known existence of humans living in Equestria to die off."

Princess Twilight has replied to that comment by mentioning that the Human-Activist group could just kidnap some humans from the alternate mirror world where humans roam.

Funnily enough, this isn't the first time that there was outrage over the death of an animal. Just last year, Cecil the Lion was shot in the wild by a dentist named Colgate, who has since then moved cities and changed names to avoid enraged ponies.

This aforementioned incident of Hayambe's death has pretty much become a media joke by this point. Just like Twilicorn! There has been a bonfire of CD's for the movie King Kong in "honor" of his death. Colts and fillies are dressing up in gorilla suits for the upcoming Nightmare Night. And the most ridiculous is the coined phrase, "Dicks Out For Hayambe". This phrase has been used repeatedly by social justice warriors who want justice for the death for Hayambe, but clearly only just want attention for themselves.

"It's not that hard for stallions to pull their dicks out if we don't normally wear cloths..." says an orange farmmare.

In fact, because of all these events occurring, there is now a petition for Hayambe to become the next Pokemare, so that its memory will live on forever. But considering a previous petition led to an angry Princess Twilight becoming a Pokemare, the chance of that happening is unlikely.

In other news, another death of a colt, this time near Whorelando by an alligator...

Dear Princess Celestia,

Couldn't you just dress Prince Blueblood in a gorilla suit and fake that you brought him back to life? This situation is getting very fucking ridiculous!

Your fellow princess,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. That's the last time I bring Fax Machine and Starlight to the Zoo.

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: MMMystery on the Friendship Express

Dear Passengers,

I have had it with these motherbucking cakes on this motherbucking train.

Sincerely,
Conductor Blowhard

The Fault In Our Cutie Marks

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I'm sending a certain grey griffon down to Ponyville because she's very bothersome. I'd suggest using your rainbow pony power thingy on her cheerful little ass.

Your old friend,
Gilda

Dear Gabby,

We get that you think us as stars and all... but it's not our fault that you can't get a cutie mark. Why are you in such a rush to get one anyway?

You act like you are dying of cancer and getting a cutie mark is on your fucking bucket list!!!

-CMC

Dear Gilda,

Take your brethren back to your decrepit country.

-CMC

Dear CMC,

Just get that bird bitch to a tattoo parlor. You know... The place you dumb fillies should have gone to ages ago.

Your disgruntled princess,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Thanks a lot for getting by Celestia-damn hopes up! ~~Fax Machine~~ I did hours of work getting quills for nothing!!

Dear Gabby,

Thank you. You were sooo helpful today during that song montage. I haven't been that satisfied in such a long time.

In complete bliss,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Mom and Dad,

Nightmare Night was months ago. Why would I want a pirate outfit? I wanna dress up as Guilmon!!!

Your confused daughter,
Petunia Paleo

Dear Nurse Redheart,

We need to get to the ER stat for broken ribs.... hugs are painful...

In pain,
The CMC

Dear CMC,

You may also want to consider hape counseling.

-Nurse Redheart

Dear Gabby,

So you can do nearly everything? You and I are a lot alike.

Sincerely,
Mary Sue

Dear God,

What the hell? So at the very beginning of time, you just decided to give Equines the ultimate cheat code to life by branding it on their flanks?

How is that fair to like, every other species?

Sincerely,
Gabby

Dear Gabby,

You think your dimension has it bad? Oh if you only saw others.

You wouldn't believe some of the advantages white people have.

Think of it like they're alicorns, but they're born that way. They don't have to earn their wings or horn or anything. It's all in the color of their ~~coat~~ skin.

Oh, right. That happened this year, didn't it? I guess Flurry Heart is gonna coast through life like a motherfucker. Equestria is gonna have a fun time coining the phrase "Alicorn Privilege."

-God

Author's Note

Profound apologies to MixMashBasher, my awesome co-author. My procrastination with this story has put his content on a 7-week backlog.

Viva Las Pegasus (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Flim Flam Brothers,

Ah guarantee that in less than two months, ya'll be broke and in the streets begging for money. Welcome to Las Pegasus, ya darn no good hooligans!

Signed,
Applejack

Dear Tourists,

This resort isn't worth going to. You'll be conned like there was no tomorrow. Go someplace else.

The mare of honesty,
Applejack

Dear Flim Flam Brothers,

If you two imbeciles ever try coming to Ponyville with a large crane, just be ready for a friendship lazor to fire you to oblivion.

Your ecofriendly princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Gladmane

Since you have this special talent for keeping ponies from leaving your resort, mind if we send a certain purple princess here?

-Fluttershy and Applejack

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
GLADMANE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING LIVING

After Gladmane, the famous resort owner, was disgraced and lost his luxury resort to two con artists, he was devastated and soon after suffered depression.

Gladmane was scheduled to fly out of Marephis, but that same afternoon he was discovered unresponsive on his luxury bathroom floor. To put it bluntly... he died on the shitter... His death was officially pronounced at 3:30 p.m. at Baptrot Memorial Hospital, the cause of his death was due to an overdosed on some drugs.

His death has now been added onto the list of celebrity deaths that has occurred throughout this year. So, let him be forever remembered along with Prance, Muhammad Alicorn, Hayrambe and many others whose lives were cut short.

When interviewing other celebrities, here's what one of them has to say.

"Life is just a perfect illusion. One moment, you're here. The next thing, you're not," says Lady Rara.

Dear Granddaughter,

Are those two hooligans arguing again? I thought I told them off last time at Apple Con 45!

Annoyed,
Granny Smith

Author's Note

First off, terribly sorry for the completely unreasonable delay. The fault is absolutely 100% my own, due to complete lack of motivation.

I read Mix's contributions, and found myself so amused that I couldn't think of anything worthy to add. So consider this chapter Mixed, Massed, and Bashed.

Every Little Thing She Does

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Diary,

Today, Twilight thought it was a good idea to test out both of our magical abilities, but I'm certain it was just an excuse to fight me again. Sore loser. I mean, what in Tartarus has Celestia been teaching her if I can best her magically when she's a motherfucking alicorn?! I might as well prove that I'm also the better friend by doing multiple friendship problems at once despite lack of any knowledge of that concept whatsoever. What could possibly go wrong?

-Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

What have I been teaching her?

Nothing, and that's the damn point. I was fed up with her shit years ago, and found some backwater hole to dump her in. Did she not tell you how absolutely bored I was when she invited me down for the dinner you didn't even show up for? I just thought I'd get a free meal out of it. Instead I was just pestered about how my hair moves on it's own.

Sincerely,
Princesss Celestia

Dear Ex-student,

Lesson number one on being a good teacher: Make sure your student doesn't fuck up that badly.

Your former teacher,
Princess Celestia

Dear Former Bitcher,

I would have said the same to you!!!

Your ex-student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

I'm confiscating that combination of spells ~~for my own usage~~ to keep it from falling into the wrong hands.

Your mentor,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

You really take after Twilight too much. Just Chillax!

Your hungover pegasus,
Rainbow "Chillax" Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not like Twilight. At all.

In denial,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Not like her, huh? Wait until we tell you about the Smarty Pants incident. We rest our case.

-Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Rarity

P.S. Don't cast mind-bending magical spells on your friends!

Dear Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Rarity,

You mares pull off that creepy look pretty well! Wanna join us in creeping the fuck out of everyone around the streets of the UK?

Your anomalous trolls,
The Creepy Clowns

Dear Starlight,

Did you mix up your old enhanced time travel spell with that mind control fusion spell thingamajig? Because the rest of the episodes for our show got released earlier than they should have in the UK.

Perplexed,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie,

That reminds me, would you have any idea what Twilight is talking about when she mentions this "Ponyvillexit" movement?

What the Tartarus is she on about?

Sincerely,
Starlight

Author's Note

If you're looking for something to blame for my barely once-a-month updates, I can now give you multiple choice!
a.) Titanfall 2
b.) My two jobs
c.) My new workout regimen
d.) Yu-Gi-Oh (revisiting both the show and card game)
e.) Gwent (finally got a beta invite)

P.P.O.V. (Pony Point of View)

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Diary,

So, recently, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie went on a boat trip to get out of their element. But I'm pretty certain they were avoiding me just like Fluttershy and Rainbow. Honestly, how rude! I was stuck trying to bone Starlight these past few days instead! I've seriously had enough of student-teacher role play.

Thus, I was waiting for those three bitches to come back and then we could try a foursome with ~~the mind control spell Starlight created~~ the magic of friendship. To my utmost surprise, out came not my friends, but the three stooges instead. They looked and acted like shit! Curious, I decided to set up a tea party and invited them here to tell me of their little misadventure. I was really hoping to see them tear each other’s manes out. Instead, they had the nerve to send a message to me via their pets saying that they didn't want to join in a very bitchy manner. What complete assholes! Writing a disgruntled letter to dis somepony and bitch about how life is so horrible... who does that?

It was because of this that I decided to investigate and find out how these three dumbasses became like this just so that I could one day use this tactic to get my friends to leave me forever the fuck alone. I even had Fax Machine do my dirty work and record down the whole damn story.

First up was the whiny, purple-maned bitch and this time, she was complaining about how her precious clothing was ruined. Well, I have some latex clothes that she could try out later with me when I get this shit over and done with. Upon my questioning, she explained how she planned to give the drug mare and hillbilly a luxury cruise meal. Was she intentionally trying to get them seasick? Who eats that stuff? I'm pretty sure the dirty farm mare did the right thing to throw them overboard. Furthermore, she described the farm mare as some would-be pirate. Does she not even realize how she's describing the whole story? She's exaggerating it! Who in their right mind would describe their friend in a personified manner that makes them comically out of character?

Next came the drug mare, and when questioned, she said that she intended to make the trip more fun with guess what? More Drugs!!! She even provided it in the form of shitty carnival food and Little Miss Whiny-pants was being as uptight as usual and replaced them with the luxury snacks she brought herself. Sounds accurate so far... that is, until the druggie said that it was that overgrown marshmallow that threw the luxury snacks overboard. Wait... what? After that, she got that damn farm mare drugged up into swinging her bat around like some drunken pirate... Okay, that explains why she was described that way by Miss Whiny-pants... but why does the high-on-drugs party pony describe that purple-maned bitch as an arrogant, egotistical slave driver? What kind of a pony would force any creature to do their dirty work for them? It was really getting very odd with where this whole story was going...

Finally, we interviewed the hillbilly, because out of all the Celestia damned bullshit I've been hearing so far, an honest mare like her can tell me the proper course of events right? Right...? The worthless earth pony explained how she got a treasure map to make the adventure more entertaining. How old does she think her friends are? Five? Pretty sure it was that apple obsessed freak herself who is that age as she made her version of our anorexic diva speak more of her fucking annoying catchphrases than she fucking normally does. Fucking hell! Who would use the same fucking word so many fucking times??? It's fucking ridiculous!! Well, at least she described the the drug mare and anorexic diva accurately. Completely insane!!! What kind of a pony would care about nothing but themselves when hanging out with friends? And it was actually an accident that the luxury food was thrown overboard? This. Is. Utter. Bullshit!!! Screw this!

Fed up, I decided to send those mares on another boat trip, threw some cucumber sandwiches overboard and let nature take its course. But instead, I somehow solved all their arguing unintentionally and now I'm stuck on an old rundown ship for the rest of this trip. How's that for a plot twist? Fuck my life.

Your angry princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Nurse Redheart,

Medic! I can't feel my hind legs!!!

Numb with pain,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Applejack,

Didn't we go on a boat trip like this before with your family? Let's not do a boat trip ever again.

Your possible cousin,
Pinkie Pie

The Pegasus News

MISSING PEGASI AT THE SCHOOL REUNION

Three ponies; Hoops, Dumb-Bell and Score, were reported missing from the Cloudsdale Flight School Reunion. While initially thought to be the case of just tardiness, it was found out later that they never reported leaving their working place at the Rainbow Factory. Investigations have been conducted and there are suspicions of a certain draconequus. Interviews were conducted on the old classmates of these three ponies, but with no result. In fact, a rainbow maned pegasus told our staff to "buck off". Whatever happened to these missing ponies? Rest assured, our reliable Canterlot Guard will find them.

Meanwhile in the sock puppet dimension....

~It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight

"Somepony... Please... HELP US!!!" cried Dumb-Bell

Dear MLP:FIM Writing Staff,

Season One called. They want their episode back.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear diary,

So these three whack jobs wanted to get the other two out of their element?

So how does one exactly make Applejack dishonest, Rarity a selfish whore, and Pinkie a paranoid unfunny bitch?

Oh, right.

Hey, Discord! Job for you!

-Princess Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Where the Apple Lies (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Diary,

Mah brother is so fuckin’ annoyin’!! Honestly, if he opens that mouth of his any wider, he might find a large hoof smashed into it. He mutters on and on about how mah ideas are all well and good, but you can't plow a field with 'em. Well, here's an idea, let's hire somepony else better at plowin’ the fields to replace mah brother. Like Bulk Biceps, perhaps! That'll shut the damn fucker up.

-Applejack

Dear Granddaughter,

The next time you try lyin’ again Ah'm havin’ you move back to Manehatten with the Oranges.

The one always in charge,
Granny Smith

Dear Diary,

Trying to talk less... is more difficult than one pony might think. It's a bad habit. It's natural and comfortable for me that way. We ponies were born with vocal cords and we must make full use of them. Like shouting at your little sister that she's a fuckin’ cunt with all her big ideas. She think she's so smart, but she doesn't know basic math! Ah'm a wiz at that, quite frankly. Ah ain't no pushover. So, why? Just why did Mom and Dad decided to give birth to this annoyin’ little stain on our apple family tree? Furthermore, with another little sister coming along the way, Ah can guarantee that our future will be filled with a lot of mishaps and tree sap. Urgh, who could keep quiet on all that bullshit that may be happenin’ in the future? Anyway, back to the point. To talk, or not to talk? To listen, or not to listen? That's the real question. Talkin’ less will lead to me listenin’ to more of mah whiney sister and that will only get worse when she turns into a bloody she-demon spawned right out of Tartarus when her junk starts bleedin’. But to listen more would prevent any other casualties from happenin’ again like me nearly getting sawed in half! Perhaps... Ah could listen more... But how...? Maybe Ah could replace mah bad habit of talkin’ with another bad habit? Ah've heard that Ogres & Oubliettes came out recently. A lot of friends are recommendin’ it, but there is no way Ah’m cross-dressin’ as the characters anytime soon. Or as another gender, in fact!! Not in a million years!!!

Wait, hold on... Ah'm at the last page of mah 140th Diary??? How in Equestria does that make any fuckin’ sen—

(Refer to Big Mac's 141th Diary for the rest of the entry)

Years Later...

Dear Dad,

I think you should file divorce papers with Mom. Your relationship with her has spoiled already. She was just trying to milk you for fame and money all this time.

Your daughter,
Diamond Tiara

Dear Big Mac,

Why were you in such a panic when I cast that babble spell on you a while back when you used to talk a lot anyway?

Perplexed,
Starlight Glimmer

Author's Note

Top Bolt

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Spitfire,

Was it really a good idea for Twilight to teach a whole class? She might have ended up teaching the students sex-ed halfway, and that's not exactly ideal.

Your fellow Wonderbolt,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Yeah, here's the thing; that's kinda what I was going for. Class after class of recruits has me kinda pent up, and Soarin' wasn't putting out, so I figured if I invited her up here, getting laid would be easy.

Am I just that unlucky, or are her sexcapades down in Ponyville exaggerated?

Sincerely,
Captain Spitfire

T-Sparks and The Dashinator,

Urm, I just wanted you to know, you two are still my favorite ponies in all of Equestria. So, please don't shoot me with a rainbow or something.

Your biggest fan,
Angel Wings

Dear Sky Stinger and Vapor Trail,

Just kiss already, you nincompoops!!

Genuinely annoyed,
Princess Cadence

Dear Sky Stinger,

The Princess of Flying? Got that covered.

-Flurry Heart

P.S. Don't try Princess of Farming either. Big Mac’s got that title.

Dear Flurry Heart,

Puh-leeze, your majesty. With your vastly out-of-proportion wing-to-body ratio, you are not nearly as agile as a normal pegasus. The only thing those wings are going to be good for later in life is going to be a super-obvious signal that you're aroused and in need of a good rutting.

Then I can come down from the sky and give you a little sting, if you know what I mean.

Wink.

Sincerely,
Sky Stinger

Dear Cousin Lighting Dust,

You wouldn't believe who helped me get into the Wonderbolt Academy.

Your cousin,
Sky Stinger

Dear Spitfire,

I have a few name suggestions for the two recruits Twilight and I helped out.

Vapor Trail: Tweedledee, Under Shadow, Winglady ect.

Sky Stinger: Tweedledum, High Strung ect

I also thought about "Undertail" for Vapor, but upon further review, I concluded that it was just terrible.

Signed,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Management of the Rainbow Factory,

̥͚͍̙͉̳̻T̰̘̰̥͘hè̠̗̝͍̞͙̞ŕḙ̺̰ͅ were two potential cḁ̭̣̰̦n̦̗̲̯͍̠d̝̼͈̤̼͇̙i͎͎͖̮d͔̥̮̦a̻̯̱̕t̜̗͎̥ͅe̜̫̝s͏̮͓͉̲̻̳ to create even more colorful ŗ̮̩̦̩̤̦̘a̠̙̼͕͠i̷͍̘̮͍n̸͚͉̗̪̼b̳̦̤̬ơ̫̗̰̘̯w̬͔̖s͘ for our glorious pegasus skies, but P̰̘r͕̟͕̯͖ͅi̹͞n̩̤̼͓̥͡c̘e̬̫̱̮̜s̢̖͔̗s̠ ̛̟͈͎T̢̞̤̣͖̼̞w̛̩͚̙į͎͚̰l͙̳̱̼͈͡iͅg͈̲̼͞h̛̲̰ͅt Sparkle ruined t͈͍̞͉h̴̩̖̪a̰̺͕ț ̱̘̻͚͕o̭͉̲̥̜̪p̹̗̞͠p̼̜̻͚̰̫o̴̱r̖t̵̻̮̠̞͓u̳̥͕̹͉̣n͔̘͇̩̞̺̟i̗̯ţ̦̝̙̱̠y̸̝̘.
̟͚̥͉̗̼̺

̙Your loyal servant,
Rainbow "Factory" Dash

Author's Note

To Where and Back Again

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Diary,

I was busy packing all of Twilight's old sex toys from the castle when a certain mailmare crashed into the palace with a letter for me. Now this is why I insisted on getting mail personally, so that Princess Bitchlight will have to pay all the damages caused by each and every mail delivery I get. Boy, I love this town! I would have laughed some more at Twilight’s ordeal if not for the fact that I was being invited back to my old village for another propagandic celebration that I came up with off the top of my head back then to please the masses urm... I mean my old friends. Of course, I clammed up. So, Twilight and the gang ended up forcing me to go, but allowed me to bring a friend along. It was an obvious choice to bring Trixie just so I could piss off the petty princess some more.

Thanks for the suggesting that, Twilight Flopple.

-The Great and Powerful Trixie

Reaching my old village, I was reminded of how creepy the smiles are like there and the occasional "You've got mail," after every welcome. But then the damn villagers decided to drop a giant bombshell on me by making me their leader again. I mean, wow! They must have really fucked up something to have me be their mayor again. Thus, Trixie and I gallantly ran away so I won't have to clean up whateverfucking messes they caused.

Returning to Ponyville, I found the place had gone up a few more levels in the weirdometer than it normally does. Pinkie was acting more stupid than usual, everypony else I met was on Twilight-levels of bitchiness and Twilight was offering good advice! Okay. Am I in the right Ponyville?

I was pretty sure it's the right one, Starlight. Considering all the ponies kept staring at us menacingly like they normally do.

Next, Princess Luna went all dreamception on me and informed me that the changelings had returned. Either I had finally reached the final levels of insanity this town causes or the changelings really are back. Guess the bug spray filled missiles the princesses launched on the badlands didn't work. I immediately went to find Trixie, who I swear was muttering a wet dream involving Celestia before her trailer lit up in fireworks.

I did not! I was just... method acting a new performance I came up with...

I’ll be honest. I’m quite surprised the Mane Six failed to save the day for once. What's next? Discord playing hero?

You really shouldn't start jinxing yourself.

-Discord

After uncovering yet another take over Equestria plot, Trixie, to put it lightly, was acting like a fucking mess. So much for showmareship, eh Trixie? Her panicking only got worse when she started screaming way louder than the time when Twilight went hanky panky on her with a wild shiny Thorax appearing out of the tall grass, saying that the Crystal Empire has fallen... again...

You shouldn't be surprised. I was able to break in there once, remember? Obviously, a whole hive could.

-Thorax

Seriously? I thought of a convoluted evil time travel scheme to thwart Twilight and failed, but it took just a few days and Twilight's own incompetence to have failure slap her right on the flank? What the hell??? How's that fair?!?! And then there's Discord...

Salutations! Bronies and Pegasisters!!

And so now my life has officially become a whole lot worse... But sadly, we needed all the help we could get. Luckily, we only had to mention to Discord that his waifu got kidnapped and the next thing we knew, we were at the changeling kingdom.

I nearly puke out all my love all over Trixie...

But now Queen Chrysalis is screwed! We had motherfucking Discord on our side!

Uh, actually—

Think up a plan, Trixie says. Ha! Who needs one? We got chaos magic!

Hey!

I agree to that motion! Release the pigs!

Starlight, the thing about magic here is—

You would think we won, right? My stupid adventure was over and done with, right? Right?? But by shitty circumstances, only changeling magic works in the changeling kingdom! What the actual fuck!?

I was trying to tell you that!!!

Thus, we had to walk to the castle, topple the Iron Throne of Queen Chrysalis and save the day... Blah, blah, blah! You get the picture.

Prepare yourself Chryssie. Winter is Coming!

You know nothing, Starlight Snowfall...

The journey there was even worse and I was quite surprise the changelings hadn't caught us already with Discord loudly complaining like a four-year-old child...

That, The Great and Powerful Trixie can agree with!

Agreed!

If I still had my magic you would all be cantaloupes now...

Honestly, I would be Twilight’s sex slave for a year if he could at least muster enough power to disappear from us...

The Great and Powerful Trixie agrees with that, too!

Me too!

I really wished I had my powers right about now!!!

To pass the time, I figured I’d annoy Discord by having all of us think up a secret code to make sure that we are who we say we are. We settled with Klutzy Draconequus. Because Discord is completely useless without magic.

Would you all like a one-way trip to the sock puppet dimension?

The changeling hive itself was relativity strange. It looked like the walls were made of molding cheese and the doors shifted around randomly. It must really suck if a wall suddenly opens when a changeling is taking a number two.

Why do you think I left this decrepit kingdom?

M. C. Escher would be proud of this type of chaos, though!

The ridiculous part was that it took the changeling patrol this long to realized that their worthless home was compromised. I mean what happened? Did their arena towers get destroyed by some barbarians? To avoid confrontation, I thought up a great idea to make Trixie and Thorax play as bait and we managed to maneuver them. Deception can be so much fun!

Why do you think we changelings do that all the time?

Subsequently, we reached the Queen's chamber, but guards were stationed everywhere. Oh, so now they get off their buggy little asses and do something! To get past the guards, we had Discord do some crappy stand up comedy. Oddly enough, it worked.

Crappy stand up comedy? I'm partially comedy gold!

More like comedy stone.

Hahahahah!!!

Oh, shut up, you wannabe Hoofdini!

I would have bothered to wait for Discord, but I figured he'd survive being drawn and quartered. Who cares what happens to him? He's Discord!

Well, what happened was that I escaped, Benny Hill style, and got caught up in a freebie Fluttershy Orgy, and if I never hear another muffled squee coming from between my legs, it'll be too soon.

Afterwards, a Discord popped up but it was easy to see through that disguise even without a codeword. He wasn’t being a dick at us. Thus, Trixie managed to get him tied up and thorax and I escaped.

Let’s just say that changelings and I got very acquainted with each other and my rope...

We reached the throne room to find my old friends hung up like ceiling ornaments and our plan pretty much backfired. Why the fuck didn't I bring my old time travel spell as Plan B?

That could have saved a lot of trouble...

By this point, I really wanted to punched that smirky little queen, but Thorax beat me to the punch by mega-evolving into a male Queen Chrysalis that got barfed on by rainbows.

I also had three horns on my head. Does that make me a Trilicorn?

So, we managed to save the day by choosing not to be a selfish bitch like Twilight and share our love. Then, I tried going all friendshippy on Chrysalis about forgiveness and whatnot, yet she had the nerve to run away. Seriously! Instead of reforming she just flees instead? How dare she steal my shtick! I propose King Thorax decree to have Chrysalis’ head on a platter. Who’s with me?

Already ahead of you on that.

I'll get my bug hunting net!

And I'll get a fly swatter!

So, I decided to celebrate the fact that somebody else besides the Mane Six saved the day for once by visiting my old town for the festival. To my surprise, my old town was still setting up preparation like the end of Equestria wasn't happening. They really need to get a better news post here...

You did put them at the end of Equestria... What did you expect?

So what now? Are my new friends and I going to form a league that does justice or something? If so, I propose my new friends and start a collective diary of our experience as better friends than the Mane Six. And our first entry, we’ll write about our very first adventure together.

Eat your heart out, Twilight Sparkle!

The times they are a changeling!

Pretty sure we'll be taking over for season seven at this rate.

-Starlight Glimmer, The Great and Powerful Trixie, Discord and King Thorax

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

You think you got it bad when you were worried your old townsfolk hating on you? I was stuck with the people I bullied all my life and was constantly reminded how much of a bitch I was. Please.

Your fellow friendship student,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Starlight,

Did you have to wake me up from my slime slumber? I was having a nice sexy little dream.

Your mentor,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. If you think saving Equestria once will earn you princesshood, think again.

Dear Writers,

What’s with you guys and trying to depower me all the time? First worm flu, Tirek, and now plot convenience changeling magic? I'm supposed to be chaotically overpowered!!! Are you worried I'll become a gary sue? You already introduced that Gabriella fellow, so what gives!?!

Annoyed,
Discord

Dear Discord,

Speaking from experience, that's exactly what they're worried about.

Sincerely,
Christopher Thorndyke

Dear Misfit Six / Mane Six 2.0,

Can we join? We could be perfect additional members to your league.

Glad to help,
Sunburst, Dragon Lord Ember and Gabby

Dear Queen Chrysalis,

Pfft! Pfft! Pfft!

Translation:
Heard your home got destroyed. Come by my place for some hugs and cuddles then.

Your waifu,
Fluffle Puff

THE FOAL FREE PRESS

This morning during the daily press briefing, Princess Twilight Sparkle's new press secretary Fawn Nicer announced that the Princess was implementing a travel ban on all changelings coming into Ponyville. The princess stated, and I quote: "Just stay the fuck over there."

And, that was it. The press briefing lasted all of 15 seconds.

Ponies still read this paper?

Dear diary,

I've noticed that Chrysalis is the only 'Queen' this world has seen. I'm a queen, and the highest royalty I've ever seen among the Equestrians is Princess.

So Queens are evil? Is that what they're saying? That female monarchs with absolute power are bitches?

Why the hell isn't Twilight a Queen?

-King Thorax

Author's Note

Legend of Everfree

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Princess Twilight,

How's the new student? You know... The one that's way better than you magic-wise? I'm really surprised that she hasn't murdered you in your sleep yet, having to live with you and your attitude for the past few months.

Anyway, things have been going smoothly here in CHS. Translation: all the usual magic bullshit was happening once again, this time at Camp Everfree. Our bus ride to destination disaster was rather unbearable with Sci-Twi screaming, "No... No!!! Stop!!!" in her sleep. Guess she must still be having nightmares about the threesome we had in the gymnasium storage closet the last time you visited. But thank Celestia, all of the CHS students started singing a cheesy country song and we reached camp in record time.

We were then introduced to Gloriosa Daisy, who, I swear is on ecstasy with that kind of attitude. She kept muttering about how we’re going to have such a wonderful time here. Oh joy... Nothing screams “wonderful” like burnt camp food and mosquito bites away from the comforts of home. And then there's Timber Spruce... Ladies and gentleman... I think we have found the next waifu stealer for Twilight Sparkle!! I mean, wow! What a flirt! I'm surprised Flash didn't start beating the shit out of that guy.

Afterward, we got assigned our tents. Pinkie and Rarity ended up sharing the same bunker, and with Pinkie's recent diabetic obsession with marshmallows, she might end up nibbling on a certain marshmallow colored friend, if you know what I mean... Meanwhile, I'm stuck in the same tent as Sci-Twi, who still won't stop screaming in her sleep. Why the hell didn't I pack earplugs?

After that, some fat rich bastard in a limo suddenly came into camp all business like, but who cares about that drama, am I right? Honestly, the real drama was that Sci-Twi could suddenly use levitation magic. Why couldn't I get magical powers first!? I was once a freaking unicorn! A powerful one as well! What gives?

It was also at that moment, Sci-Twi started panicking. A lot. Was this what you were like before you became a bitch-ass princess? No wonder you had a friendless childhood. Hence, I left the tent and ran into Flash who was moping about how he was no longer Twilight's waifu, both human and Equestrian versions. Honestly, having her as a love interest? He really deserved better. Thus, I suggested that he stopped chasing after his senpai and find another one. Hopefully, Flash takes my advice instead of becoming an obsessive katana wielding yandere.

Next up, Applejack had the brilliant idea that we all should contribute to the camp by building a new dock. Yeah, letting teenagers build a long lasting dock. This could only end in disaster. By nightfall, we had to endure listening to stupid campfire stories. Wearing purple socks with a burgundy dress? How is that interesting, Rarity? The only good one we've heard so far was the one about Gaia Everfree. Though I wonder, did Starswirl the Bearded dump another reject into this universe? Earth is not a dumping ground, you know. Then, my friends had the nerve to accidentally remind Sci-Twi of what she did during the Friendship Games. Seriously? Don't they ever know when to shut up!?!

Things just got worse the next day when the newly made dock got run over by a hippie and a retard, then a random earthquake occurred, Applejack got instant puberty; Rarity made Applejack wet after using her magically powered fingers; Pinkie's now an even bigger ticking time bomb than ever before with her glitter grenades; Fluttershy's a crazy bird lady; and Rainbow has somehow become one with the Speed Force.

You know, the logical choice would be to find out what's going on. But no, my friends decide that their needs have to come first, so let's all craft stupid lanterns and forget the whole thing.

I really need to get new friends.

As for Sci-Twi, I found her wandering the woods making some lame excuse about collecting pages from a tall slender being. Bitch, please! I could see right through her, but that's probably because I can read people's thoughts and feelings now which is... troublesome... since now I can read the male CHS students thoughts on how much they want to bone Midnight Sparkle. Hopefully these new powers won't have any side effects like me going bald. Also... never again will I read Pinkie's mind...

But let me get this straight. Sci Twi’s afraid of the midnight in her? She really should start learning that her past is not today and be glad she isn't you, you fucking disgruntled bitch! The next morning, I decided that enough was enough and got my friends off their asses and embrace the magic inside them and rebuild the dock again. This time it had better not get damaged!

Then, Mr. Waifu Stealer started cutting into my personal space, complimenting me for my help when I'm pretty sure he just wanted to get between my legs. Afterwhich, I saw Mr. Waifu Stealer Number Two running into the woods. I'm certain by this point I figured out that Timber was the cause of all the shenanigans happening, and with Sci-Twi, I went to the rock quarry to confront him. But in reality, it was actually the happy-go-lucky hag, Gloriosa, who caused all the mayhem by wanting to give the campers the best summer ever! Unfortunately, Little Miss Sunshine has reached a whole other level of crazy being powered by those Infinity Stones.

Frankly, she doesn't got this.

Miss Gaia Everfree then left us suffocating in a cave encased in tentacle tree porn. Luckily, we managed to escape back to camp to see a enormous tree wall large enough to border all of Mexico covering the camp. Also, our dock got damaged once more. Oh, that bitch is going to get it now! We were definitely outmatched at the rate we were going, but by drilling into Sci-Twi’s thick skull to embrace the magic, we achieved our product placement powers and went all deus ex machina on the Poison Ivy reject.

We were on a roll by that point, so we all decided to just sing a song, put on a fundraiser, and save the camp as well. Now that all that shit is done, it's time to go back to all the usual high school musical bullshit, but this time, we have our own version of the Elements of Harmony. So, do you still have your elements? Yeah, I thought so.

Your magically overpowered student,
Sunset Shimmer

P.S. The rebuilt dock also fucking broke again... Screw this!!

Dear Flash,

Let's see here. You broke up with Sunset, you struck out with Princess Twilight, you struck out with human Twilight, and Sunset wasn't really interested a second time.

If you aren't gay by the next movie I'll be shocked.

Sincerely,
Derpy Hands

P.S. No, I'm not interested either.

Dear Timber Spruce,

Good luck. You'll need it.

Your fellow husbando,
Flash Sentry

Dear Twilight,

Say, want to go into the forest and check out my wood?

-Timber Spruce

Dear Rarity,

A fashion show on the docks. Really???

Your friend,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

Well, what did you expect? Life is a runway when you see it my way.

Your fabulous friend,
Rarity

Dear Principals Celestia and Luna,

Next time... Bring us to a camp that's not plagued with demons and magic.

Fed up,
The Rainbooms

Dear Rainbooms,

It was either our old campsite or the campsite at Camp Crystal Lake. Sadly, Principal Cinch already had dibs on it for Crystal Prep.

Signed,
Principal Celestia

Dear Sister,

If I recall, there was a place called Camp Campell that was also available.

Sincerely,
Luna

Hey Twilight. Timber again.

That's a fantastic dock you gals erected.

Want to go to my tent and see what I can erect for you?

Dear Dad,

Please don't destroy the camp. My friends and I plan to go there next year. Try doing politics instead. I hear there's some other rich guy that ran for president and won by a landslide.

Your daughter,
Diamond Tiara

Dear Rainbooms,

Using necklaces to amp up magical powers was our shtick!!!

Awaiting royalties,
The Dazzlings

Author's Note

Celestial Advice

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Twilight,

Hahahahhahahhahahhahah!!! Oh, this is too much!!

So, you have an overachieving student whose ego may now be larger than Discord. Sound familiar?

This is utterly amusing! Seeing you panic about what danger Starlight may end up in. I nearly thought you actually cared. Emphasis on the word nearly. I’m certain that you’re only concerned because she has, so far, been your only medium for sexual gratification.

Who’s the idiot that gave you that idea? I mean what’s the worse that could happen? She’ll create a black hole that could tear Equestria apart and a hundred years from now the incident will be known as Calamity Starlight?

All I did was just dump my problem, that’s you by the way, in the most chaotic driven town and let it fend for itself and that worked out just fine.

Your superior princess,
Celestia

Dear Celestia,

If that’s what I should do…. Then there are even more problems!!! If she’s me and I’m you, then she’ll sprout wings in no time and we’ll all end up living in Equalestria by the Alicorn of Equality!!!

Your even more concerned princess,
Twilight

P.S. And my only medium for sexual gratification? Yeah, I wish. She took a vow of celibacy before starting her friendship lessons.

Dear Celestia,

Have you been under the sun so long that your brain is fried?!! How is it a good idea to have all of us look into Twilight’s mindscape about Starlight??? I’m still trying to bleach my eyeballs after seeing what Twilight had in mind for Starlight. Just the two of them. Alone. In a dungeon… Urgh!!!!

Mentally scarred,
Spike

Dear Princess Twilight,

Alright, so let me get this straight. I’ve been your student for a short amount of time, and now that I have this worthless medal and some nutjob friends, you think I have enough “friendship” in me for my graduation?

I call bullshit! Especially when in the past I was in the verge of destroying Equestria as we knew it with my enhanced time travel spell. How was it that I was not sent to Tartarus? But no, that didn’t happen. You just had to be the “Princess of Friendship” and made me your student… What hell you have given me since then...

And now that I saved Equestria from a changeling invasion, you had to hog the spotlight about how it was you reforming me as your student that led to that. Please. I can see through those lies. If I recall, it was your fault that Queen Chrysalis escaped her imprisonment. So, you’re pretty much to be blamed for the changeling invasion happening to begin with! Yeah, never thought I’d think of that, huh, Twilight…

Fuck this bitch, I’m going to bed!

Your pissed ex-student,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

You and I have become good friends over the past year, and I'm having just a bit of trouble understanding your latest decision.

Twilight released you to pursue your own path and you... You... Chose to stay here? When you could go get a room in the Crystal Empire and be closer to your boyfriend?

For crying out loud, I've been looking for an out for years. Is it really that fun frustrating her with your vow of celibacy?

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Spike,

In short? Yes. Yes it is.

But it's not just that. Last I checked, I live here pretty much rent free. And that vow of celibacy thing was kinda just for her. My fling with Trixie is going great, by the way.

Oh don't look so surprised. Polyamory is a beautiful thing.

Sincerely,
Starlight

Dear Princess Celestia,

What do you mean you weren't aware you were an expression?

Do you mean to tell me that after all this time, you haven't heard ANYPONY say that? Seriously?

You need to get out more.

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Subjects,

And just where is MY expression?

Sincerely,
Princess Luna

Author's Note

All Bottled Up

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Princess Twilight,

Well, I've only been your ex-student for a few days, and it seems that you have already decided on bailing out on me further with your friendship retreat. I would have given you some poisoned teacakes, but somepony ruined it.

Anyway, I decided to help my ~~mare~~friend, Trixie, so we decided to try teleportation; we would have tried it on Spike, but we’re not you. Unfortunately, something very important, which I will not mentioned here, went missing. Hence, we had to search for the damn thing.

On a side note, my magic somehow was on the fritz this episode whenever I got angry. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry. So, I had to contain it. In hindsight, I should have used a bigger bottle.

I tried questioning Trixie where in the world the thing may have ended up in and she said she had no idea. ARE YOU FU— you know what? Nevermind… Breath in, breath out… Stay calm… Who knows maybe the missing thing got transported to the front of a hospital. That always seems to happen whenever a unicorn uses teleport carelessly. LIKE SOME STUPID BI— it’s alright… find my happy place…

Okay, as I was saying… we searched everywhere and somepony kept getting sidetracked that DIRTY PIECE OF SHI— nope, nope, nope... stay happy… I got this…

Okay, I lied. Trixie accidentally broke my bottled up anger and by that point, I believe some of the townsfolk we came across were finally fed up with having two bitchy mares in town and since you were a princess, they opted for axing Trixie instead.

I was worried for my ~~mare~~friend as at this rate, they might burn her alive in a wicker mare statue with how riled up they were. I’m glad it wasn’t Ponyville that I enslaved back in the day, because I would be in stitches by then if an angry mob formed.

Then Trixie had the balls to ask why ponies were mad at her. In that moment, my heart grew three sizes smaller. I had enough. I called her out on her stupid, arrogant attitude and how much of a bitch she was to the point that she was becoming you, princess. I am tired of loving and tolerating the crap out of somepony if said pony didn’t make a bloody effort to help her friend from getting into a shitton of trouble. Screw you, Trixie!!! You damn dirty whore!!!

That shut her the fuck up.

In the end, we found the thing we lost. It was at the spa where Trixie and I first met, bonding over how much we hated you.

Overall, I learned that it’s okay to be angry. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be doing a new magic trick with Trixie: sawing Trixie in half.

Your angry ex-student,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Help!!! Twilight wants all of us to go on a friendship outing! But we all know what she really wants.

In need of divine intervention,
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Fluttershy

“So, I’m hoping if I bottled up my anger, I won’t do who knows what to Trixie,” Starlight said to Spike as she cast the spell to bottle up her anger.

Meanwhile… In Starlight’s Mindscape

“HOW THE FUCK DOES STARLIGHT THINK SHE CAN CONTAIN ME!!! I HAVE A LOT TO SAY TO THAT MOTHERFUCKING ARROGANT BITCH!!!” screamed a Red Starlight whose mane was turning into actual flames.

“Quickly! Restrain her, Sadness!” shouted a yellow Starlight as she ignited her horn, using the same spell that the Real Starlight was currently casting.

“Okay…” muttered a Blue Starlight.

Dear Balthazar Cavendish and Vinnie Dakota,

So, you failed to save another pistachio cart. What do you have to say for yourselves???

Head of the Time Bureau Agency,
Doctor Whooves

Dear Spike,

Sorry I didn’t listen to your advice.

Your friend,
Starlight

Dear Starlight,

It’s cool. I’m used to mares not listening to me at all. It makes insulting Twilight in front of her stupid face all the more easier.

Your friend,
Spike

TO THE DESK OF STARLIGHT GLIMMER:

Miss Glimmer, I thought I would write to you about a potential business proposition. Bulk Biceps informed me how you bottled your anger and it accidentally went to him upon breaking. This gave me an idea.

If you could discreetly store Princess Twilight's lust and ship it to me, I'm confident we could create the most powerful aphrodisiac known to ponykind. The profits could be astronomical.

Sincerely,
The Ponyville Bottling Company

Dear Friends,

I don't get it. Griffons barely like each other. How did we not have more leeway? We only sang ONE song!

-Twilight

Dear Twilight,

In case the past few years haven't been entirely, one hundred percent crystal clear, we barely like you.

-Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy

Author's Note

A Flurry of Emotions

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Princess Cadance and Shining Armor,

I’m taking the weekend off. First, I’m planning on having a date with Starlight. Secondly, that purple furby toy you gave Flurry last Hearth's Warming Eve is giving me the creeps!

Your Royal Crystaller,
Sunburst

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Do you mind babysitting our foal?

-Princess Cadance and Shining Armor

Dear Princess Cadance and Shining Armor,

Sorry, but no. I already have my hooves full with the Cake twins and the next episode is starring me, my sister and Starlight, so I need to prep myself. Sorry.

Your busy baker,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Princess Celestia and Luna,

Do you mind babysitting our foal?

-Princess Cadance and Shining Armor

Dear Princess Cadance and Shining Armor,

We would love to, but no. We’re too busy getting ourselves ready for the episode that finally stars us princesses together. Thank Faust!

Your Aunts,
Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon

Prince Shining Armor looked back at the letters he just read for who knows how many times and sighed.

“We have no choice but to get Twilight to babysit Flurry, do we…”

“Unfortunately, no…” Princess Cadance replied.

Dear Cadance and Whining Armor,

So, you want me to babysit that alien facehugger you call a child while you visit one of those stupid art museums? Sure. Why not? Though, you seemed nervous about me being with my niece. What, are you afraid I’ll turn her into a miniature version of myself? How absurd. All I’m doing is just bringing Flurry to a hospital full of sick ponies. Nothing harmful.

Flurry seemed quite happy with me when I gave her the present meant for the sick foals at the hospital. See? I can be nice. Nothing to worry about.

And let’s get real here, what’s with all the fucking diapers? Do you two have a diaper fetish or something?

But I’ll cut to the chase here and now. Babysitting sucks. Never again will I do it!

Your little angel decorated me with peas with no stallion in sight to quench my food fetish.

Your little sweet pea then messed up the toy section and everypony blamed me!?!

Your stupid foal drew the most crude image of me on a chalk board. I am not that fat!

Your winged abomination got into a fight with the Cake twins. Wait, how are they still foals?

Everytime she burped lightning struck a pony!!!

And finally, your bastard child would have caused several foals an even longer stay in the hospital had I not put a stop to it.

By that point, if Flurry had suddenly inflated her head like a balloon, I’d be done with life. But I guess I should have expected this since your demon spawn nearly cursed the Crystal Empire to an eternal winter.

In conclusion, the next time I’d babysit your stupid foal would be when Tartarus freezes over.

Yours begrudgingly,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Next time I buck a stallion, he'll be using a condom because there's no way I'll have one of those monstrosities pop out of my vagina.

Dear Twilight,

Oh, my dear sweet sister-in-law, I don't think that's something you'll have to worry about anytime soon. Never in all my days of love spell casting, have I met a stallion that masochistic.

To be honest, I thought that spending a day with our baby might convince you to get sex off the brain, but in hindsight, I was a fool.

Now I have to go spend the evening explaining to my husband why his friend is precisely what is wrong with modern art.

Sincerely,
Cadance

Author's Note

Rock Solid Friendship (Mixed, Massed, & Bashed)

Dear Rarity,

So, I take it you’re going to mine in another location for rarer gems?

Your loyal servant,
Spike

Dear Spike,

You’re kidding right, darling? Maud is the only known pony with a rocktorate in rock science.

As if somepony can tell the difference between common gems from rarer gems. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be kickstarting a global monopoly of selling these shitty rocks.

Your soon to be millionaire,
Rarity De Beers

Dear Princess Twilight,

So, I just met Pinkie’s sister. Was Pinkie adopted??? I mean the only relation I can see in them is that Maud likes stones while Pinkie is stoned.

Funnily enough, she mentioned that we met before though I initially could not put my hoof on it… Oh yeah, she help me enslaved Our Town. Oh yeah… Awkward...

We got along well, Maud and I apparently dissed Discord once before. And if anypony has the balls to do that has earned my respects.

I also got the chance to talk about how great kites are. They speak to me the most. They get stuck in trees just like how I’m stuck in Ponyville. My personal favorite kite was the one shaped like you princess, I always fly it into a thunderstorm and see it burn to ashes.

Also, Pinkie really needs to get a restraining order on her.

But then Maud left. I blame Pinkie. Honestly, do you and your friends have to mess with every friend I try to make? What’s up with that?

Your ex-student,
Starlight Glimmer

P.S. I’ll be researching how magic affects the properties of rocks with Maud. Nothing for you to fret over.

Dear Starlight,

When my sister was at your village why didn’t you take her cutie mark?

Your friend,
Pinkie Pie,

Dear Sister,

My cutiemark represents my understanding of rocks.

That did not necessarily mean I could not grind her to a bloody pulp and throw her scattered remains across Equestria once she took it.

Your sister,
Maud

Author's Note

I decided not to add or amend anything here, because this is the farewell chapter of MixMassBasher, my co-author for the past two years.

Starting next chapter, I'm back to a solo act, and it's honestly going to feel pretty weird.

Best of luck with wherever life takes you, Mix. I can't thank you enough for your contributions to this story.

Fluttershy Leans In

Dear Fluttershy,

Say, how's Angel's training going for Equestrian Ninja Warrior coming along? Think you can get Tank a spot?

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Fluttershy,

So in short, you gave animals too lazy to leave the hospital a sanctuary that they can be too lazy to leave that place.

What the hell happened to natural selection?

-Twilight Sparkle

FOAL FREE PRESS
PAVILION CAPACITY PROBLEMS

Mayor Mare's "Me Too" Awareness Campaign was forced to relocate to Ponyville Adjacent when the town pavilion reached capacity.

"In hindsight, we really should have seen this coming. After all, when you hold a campaign to raise awareness for ponies who have been sexually harassed by Princess Twilight Sparkle, obviously we should have known that the entire town would show up," the mayor commented.

Hard To Say Anything

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear CMC,

If you needed Big Mac to confess his secrets, why don’t I use my blabber spell on him like last time?

Yours faithfully,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Because in order to successfully ask her out, he would have to, you know, shut up long enough to get a response from her.

Sincerely,
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo

Dear CMC,

What did we tell you about giving love poison to Big Mac to ship him with somepony?

You're all grounded!!!

Your sisters and honorary sister,
Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash

Dear Sugar Belle,

Is it too late to say I'm sorry with how I acted like I'm the one for you?

I thought I was your baby and was confident to earn your affections, but I may have gone a little overboard. I didn't understand at first what do you mean by how I was acting, but now I know better. My apologies. I just don't know how to carry on a conversation. You couldn't let me love you, especially with where are you now, with that stallion, Big Mac.

I hope we can just remain friends after this. As for me, I'll just go back to my ex-marefriend; Waverly. Hopefully, she'll still love me.

Love,
Feather Bangs

P.S. Continue to love yourself and your new boyfriend.

Dear Sugar Belle,

Please send me selfies of you loving yourself.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Cadance,

Fuck you. I just wanted to live in Our Town peacefully and you cause me to be in a love triangle? Go back to caring for your demon spawn.

Your very annoyed mare,
Sugar Belle

Dear Sugar Belle,

Let's get something straight; just because I am the Princess of Love doesn't mean I am automatically responsible for every single pathetic attempt ponies make at asking others out. You think Celestia catches shit every time somepony gets sunburnt at the beach?

Sincerely,
Princess Cadance

Dear Princess Cadance,

I assure you, it happens more often than you think.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Dear Big Mac,

What the hell, you shallow apple hauling hick? Clearly we still had a thing for each other even after the love poison wore off. So now you're invalidating all of that for a baker half a continent away?

Get bent,
Cheerilee

Author's Note

A couple years ago, I asked my community of readers if there were any vector artists who could update the cover to accommodate Starlight's addition to the cast for Season 6. Several graciously responded, and I had an insanely hard time choosing.

Now, I think it's time to finally swap out for one of the runners-up by Sollace, whose contribution still makes me giggle madly every time I look at it.

Every. Single. Time.

Honest Apple

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Rarity,

Honestly, all those clothing those designers did were just a bunch of rotten tomatoes. I wouldn’t even call them certified fresh!

How is this the fashion industry today? Just sit down and be practical.

Confused,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

You just don’t understand style, darling. Each pony has their own unique way of doing things. You should have been open minded to new things and not be a jerk about it. Though, I guess a stubborn mare like you will never understand.

Your friend,
Raripunk

It was the end of the episode. The designers all get to show off their latest creations to Ponyville, Rarity’s fashion contest was a huge success and Applejack learned a lesson about the problems of harsh honesty.

However… a certain pink mare had other ideas…

Jumping into the scene, Pinkie gave out a loud scream as she quickly strummed her guitar.

“~Remember me
I was pointless to the plot.
Remember me
But I gave it a shot
And even I gave you a laugh to lighten up your day,
Like my look of shock at Rarity’s angry guitar play.
Remember me
Now I have to help some yaks
Celestia, help me...
So I go and snort up some crack,
Then I can deal with their pride that’s worse than Rarity
See you in Not Asking for Trouble
Remember me.”

It was at this point that Pinkie’s tail started to twitch, alerting her to the disaster to come.

'Slam!' came the sound of a crashing bell that would had squashed our pink mare had she not moved aside.

“Wow.. that was close.” Pinkie said with a giggle.

Dear Diary,

Even after all these years, this town still finds new and exciting ways to surprise me.

Some ponies get upset when you don't like apples, some ponies get upset when you don't understand ridiculous fashion statements, some ponies get upset when you don't want to open your borders to all kinds of foreign creatures, and some ponies get upset when you pass a new tax code that lets them keep more of their hard earned bits.

Stay surprising, Ponyville.

-Princess Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

A Royal Problem

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Luna,

Come on Princess Luna, smile, smile, smile!

Fill their hearts up with moonlight, moonlight

Just don’t forget to smile, smile, smile

For these little fillies of Equestria!

Your friend,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Sister,

Didn’t you already know how hard my duties were, like, a long while back?

Yours Faithfully,
Princess Celestia

Dear Sister,

Why, yes. And if I recall, instead of doing my duties while I did yours, you went to the spa. So of course I’m still mad!

Yours faithfully,
Princess Luna

Dear Princess Twilight,

Tell your ex-student that the next time she switches our cutie marks, or anypony else’s, for that matter, she’ll be punished by mooning for a thousand years, with no chance of parole.

Your fellow princesses,
Princess Celestia and Luna

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

So I heard that you switch the princesses cutie marks? I am so utterly proud! How about next time we go and switch their mane styles? That’ll be so much fun!

Yours Chaotically,
Discord

After Twilight and Starlight had left for Ponyville, Princess Celestia and Luna were talking to one another.

“I’m glad that we settled things between us sister,” Princess Luna said to Celestia.

“Likewise, dear sister,” Princess Celestia replied. “Honestly, with all these duties we both have, we never get to spend quality time together.’

“Tis true,” Luna curtly replied. “It’ll be nice if we two sisters play some video games instead of all these royal duties.”

“Hmm… That gives me an idea.” Princess Celestia said mischievously.

“Sergeant?” Princess Celestia called out to a royal guard to their side.

“Yes, my Mistress?” answered the royal guard.

“Push all of my duties for today to Prince Blueblood, and if anything bad happens, pin the blame on him. Understood?”

“Yes, Mistress!” cried out the royal guard who saluted back before leaving.

“Looks like we get to spend quality time after all,” Princess Celestia finally said.

“Huzzah!” Princess Luna cried out in cheer.

“We could play Hello Neigh-bour, I heard the final version came out, or maybe we could play Breath of the Wild? Or how about Super Mario Odyssey? Or how about…” Luna mumbled on and on about various games to play.

“Oh Luna...” Celestia chuckled at her rambling sister. “Never change.”

Dear Twilight,

It didn't occur to us before Starlight's visit up to Canterlot, but when you really think about, this Friendship Map is a serious totalitarian invasion of privacy.

Are you really supposed to know every single time friends are arguing? What does it say about the friendships of Equestria when your friends are called to mediate?

Don't you think the friendships are stronger if problems are solved independently? They don't need you maresplaining every damn thing.

Sincerely,
Princesses Celestia and Luna

FOAL FREE PRESS
CANTERLOT SHUTDOWN FOR A SECOND TIME

Not too long after Princesses Celestia and Luna switched duties for a day, it seems a brand new argument is in full swing, and it has brought Canterlot's government to a standstill once again.

We can't really be sure what it's about this time. Celestia is chanting about "Making Equestria Great Again" and Luna seems to be overly concerned about "Dreamers."

Which is odd, because that's like, always been her job.

This country is weird.

Author's Note

Not Asking For Trouble

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

To pink pony who lives with baked goods,

Pink pony can come to Yickslurbertfest. But no more spam mail. Spam mail bad. I SMASH spam mail!!! Rrrraaaaaaa!!!

-Prince Rutherford

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Why did you bring your pet; whom is a cold blooded animal, to the freezing Yakyakistan!?!

Your animal loving friend,
Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Obviously, as I am immune to pretty much all known physics, that extends to my pet as well. I'm sure the writers want to maintain that "No animals were harmed in the making of this episode."

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Prince Rutherford,

Since I sent Pinkie to learn more about your culture, I think it’s fair you learn about ours. You know how we spent the whole fucking night to clean up the snow out of your homes? That’s called Winter Wrap Up. It’s where ponies of all races get together and clear winter for spring. They work together.

The lesson learned: Get your fucking head out of your ass and ask for help. Your people are suffering because of you. You bitch.

And ponies say I’m bad!?!

-Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yeah, Twilight's right. What are we getting through our Treaty of Friendship? There's nothing further north except more Fucking Cold. Is there gold in those mountains or something?

-Pinkie Pie

Author's Note

Discordant Harmony (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Nurse Redheart,

What exactly are in those meds you gave me? I think I’m hallucinating talking monsters.

Confused,
Pearly Stitch

Dear Discord,

You do realize that it's okay to be who you are? Even my movie seems to understand that.

Sincerely,
Gene 😒

Dear Gene 😒,

Are you kidding me? As if I’d take advice from a 💩 movie such as yours. Go and ☠️🔫.

-Discord

Dear Trixie,

I may require your expertise on chaotic silverware and teacups for my next tea party with Fluttershy.

Your Delightful Friend,
Discord

“Be my guest

Be my guest

Though my realm is quite a mess

Just watch the Fluttercord, bronies!

I’ll entertain you pests

Cause I do what I please

Even John De Lancie agrees

I’m the embodiment of trolls

You don’t believe me? Ask Rickroll

I can sing

I can dance

Now fall deep into my trance

Forget that a mailman perished here before!

This episode was a blast!

Dislestia kiss my ass!

Okay I jest,

But no contest

This episode’s the best!

Now fans,

Go ship this to death!”

Author's Note

Sweet Celestia, Mix. That song was great. Couldn't help it, eh? Where are you from? Singapore?

I'll just be going now.

The Perfect Pear

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Grand Pear,

Prepare yourself for a spectacular welcome back to Ponyville party!

Welcome welcome welcome
Welcome back you dumb schmuck!
Welcome welcome welcome
Okay now let us fuck!
Welcome welcome welcome
Let us do it all day!
Welcome welcome welcome
Stop? To that I say neigh!

Your new pony pal,
Pinkie Pie

To Ponyville Train Station,

I need a ticket straight back to Vanhoover. There’s this crazy pink mare now chasing after me everywhere!

-Grand Pear

Dear Grand Pear,

Good luck. You’ll need it. There is no escape...

-Cranky Doodle Donkey

Dear Bright Mac and Pear Butter,

Your love story gives me a great idea for a play. I'll call it The Perfect Pear or maybe McIntosh and Buttercup.

This should sell millions in Manehattan!

Inspired,
Spear Shaker

“Oh Buttercup, mah Buttercup, where y’all at Buttercup?

Deny yer daddy and refuse his name;

Or if’n y’all will not, be swoon, my love, and I’ll no longer be—” Bright Mac was cut off when an alarm clock slammed on his head.

“It’s three a.m., Celestia damn it!” cried out Buttercup from her window.

“Save the love making in the morning!” Buttercup added.

Bright Mac, rubbing his head, looked down in disappointment. It was then that be noticed the note attached to the alarm clock which said “Just kidding Bright Mac. Love you too.”

This gave Bright Mac a light smile as he trotted back to the apple farm.

Dear Grand Pear-Pear,

How did you get the plot of land right next to ours?

Curious,
Applebloom

Years ago…

Princess Celestia watched as Mister Pear left the halls of her chamber in a heap of excitement along with his family members, barrels pack to the brim with pear seeds in tow. Their excitement mainly due to the prospect of new farmland for a pear farm right next to the Everfree Forest. What Celestia failed to mention however was that the area next to their land was occupied by the Apple family.

Looking to the side of her throne, Celestia was choosing which giant tier cake to eat. The brown coloured cake layered with sprinkles, a yellow coloured cake decorated with bananas or the white cake iced with sugar.

Whichever she chose, she’ll take a slice of cake and EAT IT.

Using her magic, Celestia levitated a knife to slice a piece of cake from the enormous white cake. Lifting her fork, she ate a piece of cake.

“Let the entertainment begin…” Celestia thought with a chuckle at the possible drama bound to unfold between the Apples and the Pears during their fruits of labor.

Dear Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow, Rarity and Spike

We should let Twilight visit the mess of a house that is Goldie Delicious. She might have a heart attack strong enough that might actually kill her.

Your friend,
Applejack

P.S I finally have parents! Thank Hasbro!

P.P.S. My mom’s song is now stuck in my head all day. Celestia-damn earworm!

Dear Applejack,

Or, conversely, all that organizing could make her damn horny. Not a risk we're willing to take.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow, Rarity, and Spike

Dear Granny Smith,

Does this mean Grand Pear-Pear can come to the next apple family reunion?

Excited,
Applebloom

Dear Applebloom,

If it were only that simple. The death of your parents does not make both families forgive each other for the mean words that were already said to one another. Life ain’t that fair that way.

Tried and true,
Granny Smith

Bronies far too long, had to wait

To know about our timeless fate

This episode, proves to fans

That season seven will be grand

By not focusing on our deaths at all

Just a love story before we fall…

Many tears were shed, from the start

From the hold this had on your heart

And while this copied Shakespeare all along

It touched your heart like this catchy song

Next season comes, Gen 4 will end,

But our appearance was a godsend

So the fans praised us forevermore,

At this handsome stallion and pretty gal,

Only shown on one episode was worthwhile

And you should not blame yourself, too

If you can’t help fallin’ for this waifu

Dear Hasbro,

So are you ever gonna grow the balls to show us what actually happened to our parents?

Sincerely,
Applejack, Big Macintosh, and Apple Bloom

Author's Note

Whoo! 200 Chapters!

Fame and Misfortune (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Could you leave out Rainbow Dash’s entries involving me? I don’t want to deal with my secret identity being revealed to the public. Especially after recent events in Somnambula.

Your fellow author,
Daring Do

Dear Daring Do,

I doubt they would believe you were real when they thought that this dumb diary was a story and I was a fictional character.

Though if you’re feeling stress over this whole thing we could always have a quickie in bed with some rope. I always wanted to try this position I saw in one of your Daring Do Pillows.

-Twilight Sparkle

Dear Diary,

Great. The background ponies are now an annoying laugh track. This had better be a self-contained episode because I may need a lot more marijuana to drown their voices out.

Tired of laughter,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Honorary Sister,

The Rainbow Dash Fan Club just became a whole lot bigger. They started pressuring me to get you to be their honorary sister as well.

Please help.

-Scootaloo

To Worst Pony,

Why do you keep learning the same thing over and over again! Be assertive already!

Fed Up,
Lemon Chiffon

Dear Lemon Chiffon,

Listen up! Before I do something I regret, let's settle this, you and me, once and for all!

You have a problem with me being timid? Is that your biggest problem?

I'm never aimed to be best pony. I'm not acting constantly timid because I'm a one trick pony, or because that will annoy you, or because I get some satisfaction out of you hating on me. It's not because I like staying who I am, by Celestia, it's not fun being afraid.

Yet, staying silent about what you have to say will never work, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do, because I was born this way! Because that's how I was raised!

And I'm not just timid, I'm also kind. That's my element. But now I am also more assertive! And yes, it took me a while to get there. But can you honestly say that you could learn something one time and completely change who you are? That's who I am now! Are you happy?

Perhaps there was no point even arguing with you at all, but it's the best I can say to you. And I will always be kind, even if you hate me. You can be hated on too someday. How would you feel? Ever thought about it? What would you do? I know what I'll do. Cause I stand before you, always kind. Willing to help anypony. Not just a timid little pony but a kind pony. Not timid, kind. Just kind.

Never Cruel or Cowardly but always Kind,
Fluttershy

Dear Diary,

These ponies are crazy! Wanting to start being part of the Apple Family! I can’t even get a day off with all their demands! Why they even want to do a Applejack Appreciation Day and my folks have to build it? Not them!?! Really?

The one time I wished I stayed in the background!

-Applejack

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I hate Twilicorn!

Yours Hatefully,
Pearly Stitch

Dear Pearly Stitch,

Then blame Hasbro. Not the character. Not the show writers and especially not Lauren Faust. This show has come a long way. There's bound to be change. Whether that's good or bad, time will tell.

-Pinkie Pie

P.S. I can't believe I just defended Twilight... What drugs am I on!?! And where can I get more....

Meanwhile in TV Show's Universe...

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
BRONIES AND PEGASISTERS UNITE!

Since the release of the friendship journal by Princess Twilight Sparkle, the news media are buzzing a storm over the whole issue. Debates. Opinions. Views. And backlash especially. In fact, these whole sequence of events ended up with a large feuding mob on the outside of Twilight's kingdom. Witnesses proclaimed how the event was sparked off by Princess Twilight and friends answering complaints of the journal. This led to the Mane Six shutting themselves out from them inside Twilight’s castle. Which is a shame as they didn't get to see what happened to said mob afterwards.

These neighsayers were mauled by self proclaimed bronies, basically stallions that appreciate the diary entries from the princess for what it is. This new mob of ponies were said to be led by a pony by the name of Neko. Soon enough, all the feuding ponies from before were leaving the scene, in multiple cuts, bruises and fractures.

When questioning said bronies, we came across a Bulk Biceps who explained the reasoning behind their actions that day.

"We just got tired of these ponies messing up the lives of these nice ponies, forgetting the entire point of the diary’s publication. These lessons were special. Those of us that read it actually learn something! We enjoyed it for what it is. The strange world that these ponies and dragon face on a day to day basis. In turn, we made more friends over these stories, these lessons. We loved and tolerated each other even in the darkest of times. We even gained a community! Sure, there was bad stuff here and there in the entries, but we try our best to be civil about it. Suggesting ways of improvement. Instead of the constant bickering those ponies did. Where nothing constructive ever gets done and no proper change could ever be made."

When asked why they mauled the ponies if they love and tolerate so much, he replied that that was just tough love.

This, in fact, wasn't the only surprise that day. You would think critics would take the side of the injured civilians, but eyewitnesses have also mentioned a brown skin and purple maned mare; Eliyora, burning some civilians with her flamethrower. Furthermore, other eyewitnesses spotted other creatures from the analysis community aiding her. This goes to show the power of bronies.

Seven years of my attitude.

Since Seventh June Two Thousand and Twelve.

All of you earned my gratitude,

Complimenting on my sex appeal.

Love and Tolerate my presence.

You have my thanks all along.

We may hit rock bottom together,

Yet together we always stayed strong!

Thanks for stickin' around!

Much laughter we all found!

Too many reference jokes,

Yet it is fun to spot with folks.

Yeah! Waiting. What a bore!

So updates galore!

Still you stuck with us through and through,

So I say I'm a fan of you too.

Came here from fanfiction.net,

To increase more viewership

Never expected such a big crowd!

From this story's ridiculous quips.

Sure, Twilight is a bitchy queen

A bit stuck up it's true

But that's what you kept coming to see,

Thus I still write this just for you, so

Thanks for stickin' around!

Much laughter we all found!

Too many reference jokes,

Yet it is fun to spot with folks.

Yeah! Waiting. What a bore!

So updates galore!

Still you stuck with us through and through,

So I say I'm a fan of you too.

You laughed at my hiatus chapters

Through the rage and cheers

May have pushed the bar a little too much.

But I'm happy you are still here.

It took us a long while to all get here,

Threading on this very long path.

We came so far my little ponies

Liking this crazy psychopath! And, yeah

Thanks for stickin' around!

Much laughter we all found!

Too many reference jokes,

Yet it is fun to spot with folks.

Yeah! Waiting. What a bore!

So updates galore!

Still you stuck with us through and through,

So I say I'm a fan of you too.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'd like a non-Ponyville point of view here.

I just really don't understand why ponies don't like me or my entries.

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Well, when you write things like 'It's okay to be white.' in a nationally published friendship journal, some ponies tend to get pissed.

Shocking, I know.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

P.S. No worries. It IS okay to be white.

Author's Note

Dear Readers,

This episode is a mixed bag, to say the least. Which is perfect for Letters to poke fun at in hindsight. But there’s something I need to get off my chest.

I’ve seen both sides of the argument and they are right in their own way. I’m not saying I’m on the middle ground but I’ve understood both sides of the argument. Though, I will say I like this meta-episode.

Stranger Than Fanfiction teaches a great moral that it’s okay to have differing opinions. Slice of Life is a fan letter to the fandom. This episode is kind of using both. Has a good moral to teach, but the context is what sours it.

The episode shows the “worst parts” of the fandom in a sort of satire, or hyperbole, that could get on some fans nerves. However, for others, that can get a laugh like “ohhh I used to complain that a lot, but that has changed overtime.” It’s the writers “on the nose” way of saying we know the good and bad of you as a fan. This episode context is paved parallel to Slice of Life. It’s a reminder that not to be too fanatic in the fandom.

And that is funny. At least for me. I joined the fandom after the fallout of Twilicorn during Season four. I faced the absolute worst of the fandom that made me question what I like from the show and why criticism is a good thing. Outside of the fandom, at the time, a political issue occurred in Singapore about a certain person, who recently moved to the USA to avoid being enlisted to the army, whom I shall not name, that made me question critiquing in general as he lambasted on someone well liked by everyone in Singapore who recently died at the time. Saying critical things but nothing constructive. Overall, it made me wonder if being a brony was worth it if this was the type of negativity I come across. Yeah…. I was too impressionable back then.

Since then, I learned that the good can sometimes outweigh the bad from entertaining MLP critics like Silverquill who, despite disliking an episode, can show he still enjoys the show overall. This episode reminds me of that incident, and I can laugh at it in hindsight.
It’s kind of like Letters of A Disgruntled Friendship Student, in a way. Which was another reason for me staying in the fandom.

The moral of accepting your flaws is great if not for the fact of it being mixed with the context. They don’t blend together. Perhaps they also should have added to the moral of how we should also try changing our flaws as well, instead of staying constantly the same character as that isn’t a good thing.

As for Fluttershy’s retort to her critique's, I loved that as that was the view Silverquill mentioned in his Filli Vanilli Review where real life people may be learning the same thing, but in baby steps. Kind of like how I joined the fandom. Slowly but surely.

This episode also reminded me of my own flaws as a writer. Or rather, being a co-author. Remember Saddle Row Review? The problem I had was that I usually write a lot of ideas for Letters, but I was blind to my editing mistakes as I was over excited still at being a contributing author to one of my favorite stories. That episode, and the repercussion of my editing mistakes, reminded me to be more careful instead of looking through rose-tinted glasses.

I’ve since learned to be more careful of my mistakes and also got a wonderful editor you may know as Neko Majin C. And I’ve come a long way, smiling at people commenting on my snippets that had a laugh out of, but still remembering the sins of the past. And to quote the episode’s song, “We’re not flawless. We’re a work in progress.”

And that should be the moral to learn as a fan of the show. The writers try the best they can to please, and even they can make mistakes. Perhaps this episode was a mistake? I can’t say for certain. Though, M A Larson said he hated the episode idea, I believe. Nonetheless, let’s carry on forward. Whether this episode is good or bad, let’s hope there are still more good episodes to come with the next season. Maybe even during Gen 5!

I won’t be able to see that, though, as I’m enlisted in the army on February twentieth and may not have enough time contributing as much as I like. Hope it’s great, though.

With Love,
MixMassBasher

Triple Threat

Dear Fax Machine,

The worst thing to occur? Just be glad the yaks aren't here again.

Oh and ruin Equestria as we know it? As if that could happen! I could just friendship beam both races and then they can be all friendshippy with each other.

The real problem is what's going on with Princess Celestia and that Dictator Fried Chik Un of the Northern Griffon Kingdom. Princess Celestia's ranting about how her sun is bigger than those puny Megaspells Fried Chik Un is making.

-Twilight Sparkle

To my closest, nicest, most caring, most understanding friends ever!

Please don't leave me with Twilight ever again. She kept doing suggestive poses on all her chairs like how Queen Chrysalis used to do when finding a new mate.

Your weirded out friend,
Thorax

Dear Dragon Lord Ember,

Starlight and Twilight looked similar!?! Who would have thought!?!

Seriously though you only have hit the tip of the iceberg.

Your Fellow Twilight Doppelgangers,
Sunset Shimmer and Moondancer

Dear Dragon Lord Ember,

When the next dragon migration occurs could you and your dragon friends come over to dine on my castle. Somehow, my castle is now more decrepit than usual; there are so many holes in the pillars now!

Fuck! I miss my old tree house...

Your nostalgic princess,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Maybe your dad and I could also experiment with his old scepter if you know what I mean.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

You keep fretting over that dumbass tree house. Don't you have a home in Canterlot which you could have move back anytime oh wait never mind. You gave your place to Moondancer for a chance to buck a splitting image of yourself. If I recall it didn't work.

-Spike

P.S. Stop calling me Fax Machine. That name's getting old.

Dear Fax Machine,

I'll stop calling you Fax Machine when you stop being a fax machine.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Ember, Spike and Thorax,

Never doubt the power of three!

Your friendly neighbour,
Time Turner

Dear Spike,

That threesome we had was awesome! Let’s do it again another time!

Your friends,
Thorax and Ember

Dear Ember,

I know dragons and their appetites, but you are literally eating us out of house and home.

You'll find the repair bill for the throne room attached at the bottom.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville

Author's Note

Campfire Tales

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Honorary Big Sister,

Great job setting up the campfire! My sanity was really draining from… the dark cave… and the fire is sure to scare away Charlie Horse! We just have to not starve.

Your Honorary Little Sister,
Scootaloo

A long time ago….

Dear Rockhoof,

I sent this letter with urgent news. Get your weapons ready, for the Shadow Pony comes! Ragnarök has begun.

Your fellow pillar,
Star Swirl the Bearded

Dear Mistmane,

Urgent news. Your lone wandering will have to wait for a new enemy approaches from the horizon.

Your fellow pillar,
Star Swirl the Bearded

Dear Flash Magnus,

Duty calls my dear friend, raising your family will have to wait. But let it be known that if all goes well, your children and your children's’ children will take on your glorious name with pride.

Your fellow pillar,
Star Swirl the Bearded

Star Swirl the Bearded reread the three scrolls intently before passing it to his carrier ravens. Releasing the birds, he stared back grimly as the ravens flew out of his windows to send the scrolls to his fellow pillars. Dark clouds filled the sky as the ravens flew until they were but a speck in the distance. Star Swirl sighed. He was getting too old for this. Star Swirl hoped his fellow pillars would receive their messages. As one does not simply face the shadow pony alone.

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
PARTY CANNON DEBATE FLARES UP AGAIN

Ponyville citizen and Friendship Council member Pinkie Pie finds herself leading the charge against stricter party cannon laws after 17 students got confetti in their manes at a school outside Mareami last week.

"What we need is better background checks and more education on responsible party cannon ownership." The party planner stated. "Some of these ponies on the opposing sides are talking complete disarmament, stopping celebrations entirely."

Several protests were carried out across Equestria with many holding signs and chanting, 'Our manes are more important than your parties.'

The Celestial News Network held a town hall debate in Canterlot where the spokesmare for the National Cannon Association of Equestria was heckled and booed, with some ponies rushing the stage and threatening her. There are accusations that questions from attendees were scripted.

"Cannon-free zones aren't going to help at all," said party planner Cheese Sandwich. "If ponies are dead-set on celebrating, they're going to do it. If they don't do it with a party cannon, they'll do it with noisemakers or balloons."

As the debate continues to rage, cannon sales and NCA membership have seen sharp increases.

Princess Twilight Sparkle found herself agreeing with Pinkie Pie's defense.

"Are we really going to trust the opinion of school-age colts and fillies on party cannons? They were eating laundry detergent pods a month ago."

Author's Note

Daring Done?

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I’m pretty certain that anypony would prefer boring news to any Princess Celestia related news involving fake news ever since the Cutie Mark Chronicles came about.

Your bestest friend,
Pinkie Pie

P.S. Also, I'm pretty certain that Daring Do quit because she didn't want the Egyptian Brotherhood tailing her ass with whatever mess she got into this time.

Dear Princess Celestia,

If you’re looking for fake news, Dr. Caballeron is the pony that you should put behind bars.

Your most awesome subject,
Rainbow Dash

A long time ago….

Somnambula was busy tending the crops for Prince Hisan’s latest banquet when a crow flew towards her from the bright blue sky, carrying with it a message. Upon feeding the bird some bread, Somnambula opened the scroll.

Dear Somnambula,

I hope this message reaches you. We are in dire need of assistance. A new enemy approaches and hope is just what we need right now.

Your fellow pillar,
Star Swirl the Bearded

To whom it may concern,

Whatever you do, do not at any cost, revive Ahmane. She'll bring back Set. That's the last thing Equestria needs after my colleagues and I are done dealing with another evil spawn.

Signed,
Somnambula

P.S. Always remember to take a leap of faith and hope for the best.

Dear Somnambula,

No worries. We learned our lesson like, more than a decade ago when somepony tried to revive that priest Imhaytep and his marefriend. If someone revived Ahmane, we're pretty sure whatever transpires would be ten times as dull as that.

Sincerely,
The Medjai

Dear Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie,

During your excursions in Somnambula, you didn't happen to come across any rare eye-emblazoned artifacts, did you? No? Any rare cards for a children's card game?

Just checking.

Sincerely,
Seto Kaiba

Dear Rainbow Dash,

So when Cabelleron and his henchponies surrounded you, you kinda just... Sat there. What kind of horse shit was that? You're a Wonderbolt for crying out loud. I've seen you bolt up from the ground in a flash.

So either you're over-dramatizing things, or you're a fraud. Which is it?

Sinerely,
Daring Do

Author's Note

Chapter updates are probably going to be coming just a little bit quicker than they usually do. Mix has departed for national service training, and very impressively got me the rest of his content for Season 7 and the movie.

I wish him the absolute best of luck in his training and military service.

It Isn't the Mane Thing About You

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Rarity,

My deepest apologies for what happened to your mane.
It appears you took Pinkie’s bottle, which removes stains.
Just be glad you didn’t instead lose all your fur,
otherwise you’d look even worse, I’m sure.

Sincerely,
Zecora

Dear Rarity,

So you're more worried about your mane than being generous to others? Didn't Mistmane teach you anything?

Your annoyed sister,
Sweetie Belle

Dear Sweetie Belle,

We've known this for years, so maybe you need another hint or two; out of all of us, your sister has routinely been the shittiest representation of her element. I remember back when the show was at the concept stage, where Lauren had first come up with the Element of Inspiration, which would have fit one hundred times better.

Because at this point, I'm fairly certain that all of us have been more generous than your sister.

Seriously, there was a reason why she got the most protesters after we made copies of that friendship journal and put it out all over Equestria.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Rarity,

So, you cut off your tail for a gay sea serpent and think nothing of it, but your mane is what you’re concerned about?

Just go to a wig store. Ponyville seem to have a store for just about any useless household appliance and knick knack. I’m sure there’s even one for kitchen sinks.

Annoyed,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

A Health of Information

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Fluttershy,

So let me get this straight. You risked the life of a friend, causing them to become afflicted with an as-of-yet incurable disease... Because you wanted moss that made oxen coats shinier.

Congratulations, Fluttershy. You're the new Rarity.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Fluttershy,

Thanks for getting rid of Twilight. I think she wanted to try some food fetishes with me after our food off.

Your friend,
Spike

Dear Fluttershy,

I thought you once said that you wanted to be a tree? Why did you cure yourself!?! I would have had one less annoying pony friend to deal with.

Pissed off,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Cattail,

Do you have any more of those disease-spreading flowers? I may have some use for them on somepony.

-Fluttershy

A long time ago….

All was silent at the Hayseed Swamp, Mage Meadowbrook was busy tending to yet another patient. The sound of coughing was soon heard breaking the silence of the swamp. Mage Meadowbrook ignored said coughing and fed her patient some medicine, curing the pony of the disease instantly. Meadowbrook smiled content with her job as a healer. However, she could not shake the feeling that something disastrous would soon be going down in the bayou.

“Caw! Caw!” came the sound of a crow that just perched itself on Meadowbrook’s window. From the crow’s claw a scroll was dropped, rolling to her hooves.

With yet another loud caw, the crow flew away, with it, a murder of crows followed. Curious, Mage Meadowbrook opened up the scroll.

Dear Mage Meadowbrook,

The plague will have to wait. Something more dire approaches. We need your diligence to prevail!

Your fellow pillar,
Star Swirl the Bearded

Author's Note

Marks and Recreation

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear CMC,

Apologies about Rumble. I was getting tired of teaching Trixie, so I decided to teach somepony else. The problem was that I may have accidentally taught him my old philosophies by mistake. Again. I'm sorry.

Your friend,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Zecora,

Could we spend time together again brewing potions?

Sincerely,
Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom,

Sure. I don't see why not.
It has been a while since you were last taught.
We can brew many potions of all kinds.
Plus, it allows me to have more screen time.

Your brewing teacher,
Zecora

Dear Diary,

Do colts try to hit on you by ruining all your own hard work trying to help other ponies?

I'll never understand boys...

-Scootaloo

Dear Rumble,

Trust me when I say that staying a blank flank isn't such a bright idea. Next thing you know, you're being dressed in dumb outfits by your older sibling. Even diapers. Bucking diapers!

Your friend,
Sweetie Belle

Dear Diamond Tiara,

We know that you're no longer a bully and all, but could you start insulting Rumble about his blank flank? That might get him to stop ruining our camp.

-CMC

Dear CMC,

Sure, anything for a few seconds of screen time.

Pretty sure I haven't uttered a word since you got your marks.

Wierd.

Sincerely,
Diamond Tiara

Dear Thunderlane,

You had better punish that colt for ruining my little sister’s day camp.

Your fellow subordinate,
Rainbow “Crash” Dash

Dear Rainbow “Crash” Dash,

Don’t worry. I’ve got just the thing in mind. I’ve got the perfect nickname for him once he joins the Wonderbolts. Sergeant Blank Flank!

Your fellow subordinate,
Thunderlane

Dear Cutie Mark Day Campers,

So that was a pretty awesome song.

But please tell me, HOW THE FUCK WERE ALL OF YOU SNAPPING?

Sincerely,
Lyra Heartstrings

Author's Note

Once Upon A Zeppelin (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Spike,

Why did you agree to do all of Princess Twilight's’ princess work?

Curious,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Are you kidding? Any day without her is a great day for me. And as if I’ll do all her work. I doubt she can tell the difference between a large paper pile and a slightly larger paper pile.

Signed,
Spike

Dear Diary,

Vacations suck. That’s what I learned in a nutshell. I was hoping for a nice and relaxing cruise and what do I get? A Twilicorn Convention.

So, my parents apparently signed for a family cruise together. I was very excited at the prospect. I had everything planned nice and coordinated. In fact, I was most looking forward to seeing the Northern Stars. Maybe if I wish on them hard enough. Princess Celestia will cease to exist. I even took into account exploiting my brother’s air sickness to trick him into having sex with me.

But since when have things ever gone my way?

Captain Iron Cockblock Will put a dent in my plans. Apparently, my parents didn’t read the fine print stating that this was a Twilicorn Convention.

Who ever reads the fine print?!? Nopony! That’s who!

Though, I’m more fucking surprised that anypony is willing to spend even a few seconds with me. Let alone a whole cruise! But I digress. The real tragedy was that none of these fans wanted to have sex with me! Something about a cease and desist order in that damn contract by Iron Will.

Thanks a lot, mom and dad… you allowed me to leave my work to get more work. Parenting at its finest! Shining, Cadance, write that down, takes some notes! Flurry definitely needs that kind of parenting.

Many colorful languages was shouted by my mother at Iron Will before it was finally settled with me having to entertain my fans for the rest of the cruise. The first itenary on the cruise, choosing a stalker fan to follow me for the rest of my so called vacation. Star Bucker was it? If there was one word to describe this fan colt it would be obsessed. Oh well, back to work. Bingo was very boring. The only interesting thing was that dad tried to hit on some mares before being cut off by mom quite rudely. My Celestia forsaken mood only worsen with Star Trucker invading my personal boundaries. Seriously Creeperzoid. Personal space.

After that, it was tiny boat racing. While I was stuck waving a flag, everypony else got to have fun racing, well except for my brother, he got airsick. How is he captain of the guard again? My mom seemed to agree as she was dragging him back to our bunks complaining how useless he is all the way. Thus, I was left behind with Tar Racker, who wouldn’t stop butting into my face thinking he was so helpful.

Let’s be real here, Star Treker, you want to be really helpful? Wear a red shirt. Then I’ll be rid of you faster on this worthless cruise.

Mom’s mood seem to lighten up later when she went barrel riding off Neighagra Falls… without me. Urgh! This mare just wanna have fun! Is that too much to ask? Oh, wait... I have an idea. Hey, Star Fucker, try that barrel over there, just ignore the pointed rocks at the bottom of Neighagra Falls. Have fun.

Now all I had to do was sign autographs only to miss the one thing I was looking forward to on this bloody zeppelin. Why? Just why? Can’t things ever go my way?! I just wanted some me time. Is that too much to ask?

Then my number one fan starts disturbing me once again. Piss off, Casanova! I'm too exhausted to have any sex with you right now.

Despite my outburst, my whole family tried to make it up to me later by dressing up as stars. Shitty, but thoughtful. Not that often I get to see mom being nice to somepony. Especially me. Afterwards we even had some ice cream. Dad even suggested some more fun ways to use whip cream besides ice cream. That gave me a chuckle, dad will definitely not get any tonight, no matter how much a good mood mom is in.

Yet, by far, the best part of this cruise was that my fans started a mutiny and wanted to throw Iron Will off the plank. Too bad he had a parachute. Didn’t anypony bring a shotgun? Honestly, some ponies.

So now I’m preparing a bounty on that con of a minotaur to have his head on a silver platter with a side of beef jerky.

Happily hunting,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Screw the Apple family! Mine is awesome!!!

Dear Diary,

I was with senpai all day today. I got to follow her everywhere. I like how angry she gets. Her hair smelled nice. I even got a piece of her hair on my scrapbook.

This is the best day ever!!!

-Star Tracker

Dear Twilight Velvet,

We can tell you firsthand that when signing contract, remember to read the fine print.

Signed,
Cuphead and Mugman

Dear Sister-In-Law,

Peewee Princess Playtime Place seems a bit off. Observing the foals, it almost feel like they keep repeating the same things over and over again. For show and tell, one foal had a knife, another had a bomb and the strangest was a nugget.

I’m not letting my child near any of them.

Sincerely,
Princess Cadance

Dear Twilight-t-t Flopple or whatever,

If you wanted a real vacation just avoid-d-d your family. Try using that [burp] magic whatchamacallit and turn yourself to a pickle. Makes-s-s life easier. Trust me on this, Morty, I mean, Twilight-t-t.

-Rick Sanchez

Dear Daughter,

So, when will you give me grand foals? Your BBBFF already has. I ain't getting any younger, you know?

Plus, I saw how that little fan of yours seemed to hit off with you pretty well. You did the exact same thing your mom did before I married that fine ass. Your wedding’s definitely around the corner. I could even have a little fun with that number one fan of yours during the bachelor party. Can’t wait to hear the wedding bells soon.

Signed,
Night Light

Author's Note

Secrets and Pies

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Why are you so nervous about Pinkie’s pies? Are they laced with poison?

Curious,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

It’s not that I hate pies. Don’t you know how she makes them???

Scared,
Rainbow Dash

Sing a song for my friends,

But they’re all about to die

Four and twenty little ponies,

Baked in a pie.

When they were cut open

The ponies started to scream;

But isn't that a tasty dish,

Compared to Krispy Kreme!

Dear Rainbow Dash,

No feeding the animals pie!

Your friend,
Fluttershy

Dear Pinkie,

Getting the truth out of Rainbow Dash is all well and good, but sometimes you have to take a look at how that affects your bottom line.

Attached you will find the invoice for all the baking ingredients you used today.

It's due by Friday.

Sincrely,
Carrot Cake and Cup Cake

Dear Pinkie,

It's so weird that you had so much trouble with Rainbow.

She ate my pie just last night.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Pinkie,

Yeah, mine too.

Regards,
Captain Spitfire

To the Dashinborn,

You must ascend the seven thousand steps and speak to Piethurnaax at the throat of the world.

Flying up there to help her down doesn't count.

Sincerely,
Arngeir

Author's Note

Uncommon Bond

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

You know the old saying: Three’s a crowd.

Yours chaotically,
Discord

Dear Sunburst,

You do realize that Twilight may have been friendly with you because she could get a little something from you later.

This was not how I wanted to spend my weekend off.

Your old friend,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Apologies about the large antique shop. If you’re so bored, we could go out of a fantastic adventure searching the cosmos. I am pretty certain your two friends won’t even notice you’re gone. We’ll be back in perhaps two minutes.

-Time Turner

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you’re not doing anything tonight… could I come over? We could also do some of our old foalhood games. Maybe even improve our chemistry together.

Your old friend,
Moondancer

"Urgh! There’s got to be another board game Sunburst and I could play.”

The sounds of drum beats were suddenly heard. Starlight soon noticed the source of the sound of drums was a dusty old board game. Igniting her horn, Starlight levitated the boardgame towards her, making sure to remove the dust off the cover.

“Jumanji? Pfft! Whatever!” Starlight said as she threw it out the window.

The Jumanji game sat there in the grass before it started to glow very brightly, turning into a video game.

It was at this point that Button Mash was trotting by and saw the game.

"Hey! A video game!"

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Stop breaking my castle. I already lost my treehouse and with all the damages my castle has been receiving, I’m surprised it’s still standing.

Your Ex-teacher,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Do you still have that turn into a foal spell?

-Rarity

Dear Sister,

Rarity. We talked about this. I’m an adult now. Not a foal.

-Sweetie Belle

Dear Sweetie Belle,

Yeah, I've got that. Why do you think I'm talking to Starlight?

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Sunburst,

Was it really that hard to pick up what I was putting down?

I wanted to help you with your morning wood.

Your horny, oldest friend,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

While I have expressed curiosity in the lumberjack profession, I don't see why we have to do that so early in the morning.

Sincerely,
Sunburst

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: Party Cannon Control Walkouts

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Nationwide walkouts at schools across the country to demand action concerning party cannon control on the one-month-anniversary. Not only are reports coming in of some schools forcing students to walk out for seventeen minutes or more, but the entire movement is being marred by a counter-protest, Walk Up Not Out.

This editor tends to agree; walking out like this accomplishes nothing. I myself snuck down to the basement of the school to write this instead of marching up and down the street. We don't need a New Lunar Republic solution. We don't need a Solar Empire solution. We need an Equestrian solution.

Instead of walking out whenever something like this happens, we need to walk up to students getting bullied. We need to dragon-mail our princesses, telling them to put money back into mental health facilities, because that's where the problems start; we need to find out what makes these ponies want to go out and party.

You hear me, Princess Twilight? Put those bits into the Ponyville Insane Asylum and stop with that... "Cryptic Currency Mining" or whatever the fuck you call that mineshaft down the road from the castle. Nopony other than you is going to want to invest in Bitchcoin.

That's where it starts, students of Equestria. Because if you can be moved enough to walk out for party cannon control, but not enough to walk up to the weird colt or filly getting harassed, then this walkout is nothing more than feel-good worthless bullshit, and you're nothing but a politically correct asshat. This editor isn't blaming the victims, but she's sure as Tartarus calling them the fuck out for doing nothing more than patting themselves on the back.

Author's Note

With only two chapters to go, that's what I call inspiration at 12:30 am after passing out for four hours after cooking a hearty dinner with your husband.

Shadow Play

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Star Swirl the Bearded,

You were Celestia and Luna’s teacher? With your attitude, it was no wonder Celestia became a troll and Luna became Nightmare Moon. In fact, because you taught Celestia, she, in turn, taught Twilight into becoming the disgruntled pony she is now. What goes around comes around, I guess.

But seriously, fuck you and your jerk-ass beard.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer AKA NOT A VILLAIN ANYMORE

Dear Star Swirl the Bearded,

What is it with villains and creating portals in the sky? Are you kidding me? Get with the times.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

So, what’s this I hear of somepony imitating one of my magical items, the Stick of Truth?

Signed,
Mage Meadowbrook

Dear Star Swirl the Bearded,

So, you never took into account where you sent the sirens off to? Tell me, why are you famous again?

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

We can tell you firsthoof that we couldn’t defeat the sirens through singing like you did. Star Swirl’s singing shockingly sucks.

Signed,
Flash Magnus, Mage Meadowbrook, Mistmane, Rockhoof and Somnambula

Dear old Teacher,

Do you happen to recall, I don’t know, a mirror portal fixing spell. There is somepony I loved that I wished to meet once again besides just staring at my reflection in pieces of mirror shards.

Signed,
Princess Celestia

Dear Stygian,

You got drafted by your group, too? Welcome to the club.

Your fellow footstool,
Spike

P.S. What nickname did they give you? Mine’s Fax Machine.

Dear diary,

Well, if there's one thing that I can take away from all of this, it's that no matter how renowned a pony may be, there's always the possibility that they wind up being kind of a fucking douche nozzle.

Makes me wonder what ponies will think of me in the years and decades to come. Sure, they love me now, but what of the generations to come?

-Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Trust us, enjoy it while it lasts. We know how to bide our time.

After about say, oh, twenty-five or thirty years, we'll buy MLP from Hasbro, and then completely and utterly butcher everything the last generation of fans loved about the franchise, and there's nothing you can do to stop us. Screw the rules, we have money.

When we're done with you, they'll look back at Equestria Girls with fond nostalgia.

Sincerely,
Disney

Author's Note

My Little Pony: The Movie

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Moviegoers,

In the magical land of Equestria, there are four powerful princesses. One for day. One for night. One for family. And then there's me... Twilight Sparkle; Princess of Friendship or whatever. It is my royal duty to make sure everypony feels like they belong. It's a lot to live up to. I mean princess? I deserve so much better. Unfortunately, I also have these nuisances I call friends who are stuck with me despite how much I avoid them. Who cares about friendship, and the flowers and the ponies and bleh.

The only thing I could look forward to was this Friendship Festival made in my honor. Finally the princesses had listened to at least one of my list of demands since being crowned! The Mane Event would have obviously been the spectacular firework show I had planned instead of that Songbird Serenade afterwards. I even failed to mention the part where at the end of the display the princesses would have been sent to the moon afterwards for a thousand years using the right frequency, angle and algebra.

Well, it would have worked if they hadn't read my annotation of the plan written at the end of the whiteboard. Dammit, Fax Machine!

Thus, I am now stuck with setting up the decorations with my so-called friends. They probably need my help since they can’t seem to get anything done without me. Amateurs. I guess that means it is time for another dumb song montage about how we got the beat or how we got this together.

Pfft… who cares. I got caked by a druggie, that’s more important. I need to look my best when ponies celebrate my friendship festival.

Of course this, was all ruined when Commander Neighsayer pops up with her broken horn proclaiming the fall of Equestria and all the usual evil villain shit. Soon after she stoned the other princess, and one retard, I barely escape by the skin of my teeth. Oh, and my useless friends somehow survived too.

Well this day blows.

That bitch is gonna pay for ruining the celebration meant for me! Perhaps we could get the Queen of the Hippos...was it?... to storm back into Canterlot and save the day the with magic of friendship. Easy peasy. There is no better feeling than seeing these pieces of villain filth get their asses hoofed back to them.

Hence, my worthless friends and I are off to see the world, searching for these Hippopeople, our first destination; Slavetown. No seriously that wasn’t a joke. If this is what occurs outside of Equestria, by Celestia, give me any crazy hairbrain thing happening in Ponyville anyday.

However, we had no choice but to go there, the desert heat was making all of us go crazy. Just look at Rarity, she thought there would be a spa in Slavetown. I repeat. A SPA!

Entering this decrepit place, we were surrounded by weirdos. Being cautious, I tell the gang not to split up or to talk to strangers. Guess what the druggie did then? Unfortunately, thanks to that pink abomination, we were surrounded by these crazy loons. Then Top Cat pops out of nowhere, scaring off the competition and charming us of how he is the friend we need not what we deserve. Sadly, I was the only one not to fall for his act. Even that dirty farmpony fell for his lies. You know. The so-called Element of Honesty. AJ, just stay in the background for the rest of this journey. Right where you belong!

In the end, we were stuck waiting around in his shack while Rarity was falling in love with a cat. Yuck! Stick to your own species, Rarity. At this rate, she’ll become a crazy old lonely cat-obsessed pony in no time flat. Thankfully, I was being productive, finding out that I should have been looking for the Queen of the Hippogriffs. Dammit, Princess Celestia! You are a troll even to your stoney demise.

Regrettably, I did not have time to sulk any longer as we had to escape from Commander Broken Horn and her vertically challenged sidekick. Again, we managed to escape onto a flying ship. Unfortunately, it belong to the Storm King, what with all the obvious branding scattered about, and a birdbrain crew captured us.

Of course I’m on an enemy ship. Fuck my luck!

Strangely enough, we were saved by the bell and were stuck eating their shitty food. Planning a means of escape, my thoughts were interrupted by Rainbow who started complaining about how these ex-pirates were lamer than Captain Sparrow. Then she starts singing something about it being time to be awesome again. Screw this singing, I’m getting out of here.

Getting some air outside, I had thought up the perfect plan. I could ignite any possible explosive laying around here while I escape on a hoofmade hot air balloon using Fax Machine’s flames as fuel. Perfect.

Wait a minute… Is that Rainbow? Oh no no no no! What is she doing! She’ll ruin everything!

And so, once more, a sonic rainboom screw up my entire life. Thanks a lot to Rainbow Bitch. I want to get my damn hooves around her stupid neck. I’ll chase the sky and back if that what it takes!

Once more, we had to run away from the enemy by falling to our deaths. Very smart, Captain Celaeno. No wonder your crew fell under the storm. Luckily, in a quick haste, I hatched my plan to save myself but of course I save my worthless companions. Who else would I have to complain at then?

Not wasting any time, we headed for the Hippogriff Kingdom. But it turns out the city was an even bigger wreckage than Griffonstone. The only consolation was that I nearly saw somepony bathing, if somepony didn’t ruin it and nearly cause all of us to drown!

Thankfully, we were saved by a seapony I dare say seemed to be on more drugs than Pinkie Pie. She started babbling about how it is better under the sea. We met her more laid back mother, who I swear must be on cocaine with how little she cared. She even had the balls to not help her pony allies to defeat the Storm King.

So, I came all this way for this moronic queen to say no. Really?!?! This is the most pointless journey that I have ever been on. Could she imagine what I had to put with? So what, her kingdom was destroyed, this is the time for payback. But nooo. She’s more concerned about her seaweed wrap. They couldn’t do one small thing and help their allies. Well, drastic times call for drastic measures. Thus, I had Pinkie drugging up the seaponies. I nearly managed to steal the pearl needed to save Equestria, but apparently Pinkie forgot to feed Queen Novo some of her seaweed and I was caught redhoofed and they shoo be doo’d us out of there.

The worst part. My friends start to shouting at me for being such a bitch! At least I was trying to be useful! What have they done? Pinkie nearly made us slaves, Rarity was seducing a con artist, Rainbow’s ego almost got us captured and Fluttershy and Applejack barely did anything!!

I, therefore, left them to save the day myself… only to get captured straight afterwards. Can’t I ever catch a break? While I was captured, Captain No Horn started lecturing me that I need to open up my eyes to the true horrors of Equestria. Urm… Have you met me? I already knew that. Furthermore, that’s your backstory? Oh boo-hoo you lost your horn and friends. Big deal. You lose some friends, so you enslave Equestria? Why should I pity you? Who in their right mind would make you their waifu?

But that was the least of my worries as I was soon drained of my magic and that foal-brained Yeti was playing around with my magic like it was a foal’s’ toy. Whelp, Equestria is doomed. Welcome our new evil overlord! I’ll be around, hopefully. With how that maniac is using that scepter, our weather will surely become more chaotic.

Yet somehow my friends finally grew some brain cells and saved my tail. Thank you for being my friends, I guess? However, the Storm King had better ideas conjuring up a storm, though I doubt he could control it with that peabrain of his.

As a matter of fact, he was dumb enough to betray his number one lieutenant. Through I can’t say that she didn’t deserve that. I even saved her life just so she could let it sink in how much wrong she had done as her world crumbles around her.

To my dismay, I could not lavish in her misery with the Storm King trying to kill me. It was then that my friends decided to pop in out of nowhere. Seriously. Is there anyway I could ever be rid of them?

However, since my friends are here. Hey meatshields! Protect your princess!

In addition to this, the storm got out of control and now we had to get the staff before the Storm King did.

But, for the record… Hey, Storm King, guess who was right about the chaotic weather causing trouble? This purple pony right here.

And so, we stacked up together as a pony pillar, which I definitely would want to try again later, and grabbed the scepter and saved the day once more.

This battle wasn’t without casualties, however. A very brave pony made a very bold sacrifice that allowed me this victory. I could feel it. The sense of thankfulness for somepony else’s kindness. Such a sweet sweet mare who deserved all the praise I should have given. I will be eternally grateful for what she had done for me and Equestria. I was of course talking about Ponyville’s local resident mailmare who was the sole reason I was not stoned.

Oh, and Tempest helped, too. She got stoned. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? I figured we could leave her petrified form where Discord used to be. I’m certain the pigeons would appreciate that. But naturally, I had to make the right decision because I’m the Princess of Friendship and freed her from her stone imprisonment. Frankly, I thought she’d be useful as a housemaid or one of those useless royal guards. Fax Machine could use the company.

But alas, restoring her led to the useless princesses to return from their rocky prison. I was so hoping that I could become sole ruler, but oh well.

In the end, we had the Friendship Festival I wanted with that Songbird Serenade singing about how she can see rainbows. Pinkie fed her drugs, didn’t she? Nonetheless, harmony was restored. Everypony was happy. Except me. Just another agonising day for me has ended with another awaiting in the horizon.

Fuck this, I’m going to bed.

Your pissed writer,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Queen Novo,

Since I’m now reformed and all, could you use that pearl to fix my horn?

Signed,
~~Commander Tempest Shadow~~ Fizzlepop Berrytwist

Dear Fizzlepop Berrytwist,

You kiddin' right? You attacked my kingdom!

Signed,
Queen Novo

Rest In Peace

Brian The Balloon

6th October, 2017

Dear Derpy,

Congratulations on receiving a medal of bravery for saving Princess Twilight Sparkle from the petrification spell.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thanks! Maybe all this new recognition may be good enough to tune out all the hate on my colt…Urm I mean marefriend Time Turner for ~~his~~ her recent sex change.

Your Ponyville Mailmare,
Derpy

Dear Storm King,

Let me guess. You tried to gain the power of all the pony princesses to rule all of Equestria. Betrayed your most trusted advisor only to be defeated your ex-comrade and the magic of friendship?

In what way did you think repeating what I did would have yielded a different result?

-Tirek

P.S. Welcome to Tartarus, my fellow inmate.

Dear Trek,

I didn't EXACTLY repeat what you did.

I had a little help from a laughably bad plot device.

See this staff? It is the completely unexplained cause of, and solution to, everyone's problems.

Need a reason to invade Canterlot? Staff.

Need to entice your lieutenant with magical healing? Staff.

Need to play with celestial bodies? Staff.

Need to magically repair the battle torn capitol of Equestria instead of having a heartfelt rebuilding scene? Staff.

Don't you see, Tirek? We're bad guys. We have to be bad. You gave one of the greatest finale fights this show has ever seen, which is all well and good. Meanwhile, with this convenient plot devic- err, staff, I'll go down as one of the worst villains ever, and that my friend, takes commitment.

Sincerely,
The Storm King

Dear Princess Twilight,

So, um, listen. We just have to ask...

Are you okay?

You held the power of all four princesses in your hooves, without your friends being prisoner or anything, and... You just gave it back. It wouldn't have taken forever to rebuild Canterlot, so what gives?

Sincerely,
Your Friends

Hello moviegoers! Did I miss anything?

-Discord

Author's Note

Well, my dear, awesome, amazing readers, here we've come. To the end.

Is it a definite, absolute ending? No. But for the past two years, I've considered ending this satirical tale of mine with the movie. Once MixMassBasher is done with National Service training and is settled in with whatever he sets out to do, we may re-evaluate whether or not we want to continue this into Season 8. But for now, I'm comfortable slapping that 'Complete' tag on it for now, and taking this time to say (or type) a few words.

On a personal and somewhat political note, I am ending Letters because I feel I have to try to put my energy towards something a little more concrete, be it photography, or hiking, or emailing my government representatives. Times are sadly changing for the worse, where more and more governments of the world are classifying humor as "hate speech", where being a minority gives you legal powers to guard your feelings. The way things stand right now, I find myself immensely grateful to live where I do, because I'm afraid in other places of the world, Letters would be considerably more dangerous to write and post online.

Remember, anything, anywhere, has the potential to be funny if you open your mind.

I've been writing Letters for nearly six years now, and is still head, shoulders, chest and knees above every other piece of content I've submitted online, at 1.7+ million hits. Whether you've been here since the beginning, you picked it up somewhere between then and now, or if you're just discovering it, I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading. I'm aware that some of my content in these chapters have offended and even angered, but more than anything it's made people laugh, and that is still one of the best feelings in the world to me.

Lastly, it's my honest belief that one of the coldest things a person can do is take credit for work that isn't their own, so now I would like to say something about my co-author, MixMassBasher. Since November 2015, with Brotherhooves Social, Mix has given his time and content to this pony tale. I'm not really sure what inspired him to tag along with me on this crazy ride, but I'm immensely grateful that he did, and I'm very proud of the last two years of work we've done together. We've stirred each other's creative juices, and more often than not, it was him who was waiting on me to smash through my writer's block. There were times where I couldn't really come up with anything to match or compliment his content, so I gave entire chapters to him. More than anything, I believe it has been his content and input that has maintained the quality that I've come to expect from myself and this story.

My point is, if you have grinned, guffawed, chuckled, or laughed at anything from Brotherhooves Social and onward, it most certainly would not have been as enjoyable if it weren't for Mix. All my gratitude to you, good sir.

So on that note, I believe it's time to bow out. Again, thank you so very much for reading.

Love,
milesprower06

School Daze

Additional content written by MixMassBasher.

To Chancellor Neighsay,

Guess who's back, bitch? You thought shutting down my school would be the end of seeing my fucking face? Well, too bad! You're sadly mistaken! As a matter of fact, I'm going to write a report every time to your ugly-ass face about how my glorious school is superb without your so-called E.E.A standards. This is Equestria. It's a free country where we can to do whatever shit we want. Like opening a school for instance.

What does E.E.A even stand for again? Equestria's Egotistical Assholes? Rainbow would certainly fit right in with you.

Where do I even start with this report... Oh, I know! Let's start off with how my wondrous school came to be. After my castle map thingy farted out a new DLC expansion pack for Equestria borders, I figured I should start up a school and get other creatures to help ~~lighten up my personal princess friendship duties~~ further spread the magic of friendship. But, of course, making a school isn't cheap, so I had no choice but to asked my ex-mentor for help.

Urgh! Just admitting that I need help makes me want to barf...

Surprisingly, she turned out to be very helpful in the making of my school. Guess saving her majesty's stoney ass last time actually paid off. Then again... she did lead me right to you, you repulsive dick. Well, fuck, Trollestia strikes again!

At the very least, I was able to create my school; Twilight's School ~~for Sexy Unicorns~~ of Friendship. I even made my friends the new teachers of my school. Think about it. My friends have absolutely no clue what they're usually talking about and most of the time they can be as unhelpful as fuck. They're the perfect teachers that represent our modern era. So now, school is in session. And it was a blast. Although, my frien— I mean colleagues seem to be bored out of their minds with the new workload I put them through. This is just perfect! I'm glad I started this school.

Yet, problems arose during Friends and Family Day when some students decided to play hookey during Rainbow's lessons. Guess they paid attention to Rainbow's lesson on how not to pay attention in class. I can only figure that since I have followed to E.E.A standards thus far, it can only mean that your standards have failed to take into account proper security standards for schools to prevent such misconduct by students. Maybe your acronym should mean Equestria's Excremental Authority.

And you have the balls to shout in my face that my school's failure is all my fault!?! How about I rip off your tiny nuts and feed them to Fax Machine! Then I dare you to say that to my face again! As if a mere magical lock will stop the Element of Magic from reopening my school. However, I first need to find those annoying students that caused all these problems to begin with. Because what kind of Headmistress would I be if I do not punish those that disobey me. These students seem to realize that they would face my wrath as they were in hiding. The bad news was that the students misguided actions had political consequence as the leaders of the different races of Equestria were thinking that they had kidnaped each others representative. And if you weren't too busy insulting the other diplomats, you would realize that it was actually your fault that we may have a multispecies war on the horizon. For a unicorn of high standards, you sure are as dumb as a dirt pony.

Thankfully we found the students before they could become pincushions for puckwudgies. Amateurs. Time to show them how we teachers get the job done. After the battle, my students were so amazed that they forgot that they were in trouble. They started begging to not be separated from each other and how that they are all in this together. Oh how precious... Pfft... who cares about their needs. What about mine? What I want is to reopen my school.

School would have been back in session straight away if you had not butted in saying you shall not pass like some overrated wizard I met a while back. Though I doubt you'll get any whiter than you are now even if you died and reincarnate right then and there. Also, how is it that you failed once more to notice that you proclaim the pony race's interest is more important than other races right in front of the other diplomats. Again! Just how blind are you! Or has staying in that dark room with your associates consequently made you so unable to adjust to sunlight that you can't even see two hooves in front of you? Open a curtain in there, for Celestia's sake!

And, silly unicorn, don't you know it's only the alicorn race that's superior? We're a mix of all of your so called mighty three races. So piss off, you wannabe Snape. I'll handle my school my way. You think I'm scared of you? I have seen horseshit for the past few seasons. From being an ex-student to being a princess, I faced criticism all around. Face it. I can handle a simple being like you. I won. Checkmate. Game over. One for Twilight, zero for you.

Now, I just need to deal with the disobedient students. And I'll discipline them my way. ~~Sex Ed Style~~ About the value of reputation, education and friendship. Nothing in particular here. Just a headmistress teaching students... stuff... hehe.

Your new headmistress,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

So you tried following the directions of an authoritative figure and the real solution was to use your own methods? You made this same mistake with Starswirl. Honesty, you seem to pay attention to the friendship lessons you learn even less than our students.

Your guidance counselor,
Starlight Glimmer

To Chancellor Neighsay,

You just got told off that not everypony has to comply with your standards? Join the club.

Your fellow pony with high standards,
Zesty Gourmand

Dear ~~Ingrates~~ Students,

Any thoughts on your teachers and new school?

-Chancellor Neighsay

To Chancellor Neighsay,

It would be more awesome if the staircases in our school rotate around to other sections of the school.

-Silverstream

To Chunkellur Na1ghsey,

Yona thinks E.E.A worst. E.E.A Smash!

-Yona

Dear Chancellor Buttface,

Get a life.

-Gallus

To Chancellor Neighsay,

So, you're the one that nearly separated me and my friends? You. Me. Gauntlet of Fire. Tomorrow.

-Smolder

Dear Chancellor Neighsay,

Your E.E.A standards were the very reason another school I was studying in was closed down. I had to leave behind my old friends, and all the effort that went into studying was wasted. How do you expect me to get a degree and get a job to support my family? At the very least, provide some compensation for the time I wasted rotting behind those school walls. But you didn't. So like Principal Twilight said, piss off.

-Sandbar

Dear Chancellor Neighsay,

No comment.

-Ocellus

Dear most favorite cousin,

I'm doing okay. Still grounded, but I'm okay. How's school so far? I bet it's awesome! It's awesome, right? Hope you're making lots of friends. Say hi to Pinkie for me! But if you're scared... don't you worry. Change can happen. It's scary sometimes, and we don't know if we'll like it or not. However, in the end, it's a new start. A new beginning. Especially for you. Even to everyone else there. Just don't let one small thing get to you and you'll be just fine. Harmony will find a way.

Your most favorite cousin,
Princess Skystar

The mane six (minus Twilight) were all resting in the teacher's lounge. They were all huddled around something particular.

"So that's what it says. It is rather odd." Rarity commented.

"I know, right?" Rainbow exclaimed.

"I don't know. I like number eight just fine." Applejack replied.

"I like number five, as well. I just love surprises!" Pinkie cheerfully replied.

"Though number three and nine seem awfully scary," Fluttershy meekly uttered.

"What the fuck are you doing with that?" Twilight Sparkle shouted as she entered the lounge, startling the five friends. Twilight immediately used her magic to toss what they were looking at into the trash bin.

"Now get back to work!" Twilight shouted, even louder this time.

"Bitch," Applejack uttered under her breath.

"What was that?" Twilight snapped.

"Nothing!" Applejack answered back as she left with the rest.

Now, the teachers' lounge was empty. With only a lone item that Twilight threw away sitting among the trash that surrounds it. A gust of wind blew in from the window beside it, opening the book.

DA SKOOL RULES (E.E.A Approved)

The proper rules and requirements for any school to meet the standards of the E.E.A.

1) For students there must be at minimum; a cool pony, a goth pony, a jock stallion, a popular mare, the new pony, the nerd pony and multiple other ponies that can mostly be ignored.

2) If you are aiming to create a Japonese school, please refer to page five for further instructions of those standards.

3) There must be a Prom Night. But ensure that no student pranks the prom king and queen with pigs blood as this led to a previous school to be burnt down in the aftermath.

4) Students must sing at random intervals of times about their school life during school hours.

5) There must be always be surprise test that nopony has no chance to study before hoof.

6) For P.E., student's gym partners should not be monkeys.

7) Teachers Day is not a vacation day for teachers but for the students.

8) Apples are the required snack that teachers are allowed to receive from students as gifts if they want to.

9) Punishment for misconduct by students would be to write a five hundred word essay in their blood with an enchanted quill.

10) If you happen to notice that a group of ponies; a red, pink, yellow, black and blue pony, are missing from your class, it is nothing for you to be concerned about.

-Page 1-

Dear Chancellor Neighsay,

I completely understand where you're coming from when you're out for the betterment of Equestria. If I may be so bold as to offer a suggestion?

How about building a wall to keep the undesirables out?

Sincerely,
Filthy Rich

Dear Fluttershy,

Apparently, we need to spend more time together so you can tell the difference between an impersonator and the real thing.

I simply cannot believe you fell for that ridiculous impression.

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Silverstream,

I'm currently trying to figure out why you were so hyped about stairs.

If memory serves, there was a metric fuckton of stairs leading up to Mount Aris.

Surely you would have flown over those on your way here?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Gallus and Sandbar,

Why is it that every new male character we encounter turns out to be gay?

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Can you think of a better way to hold off Headmistress Twilight's advances?

Sincerely,
Gallus and Sandbar

Author's Note

Sooo... Maybe we weren't as done as we thought. :twilightsheepish: I have to admit, I missed this.

Fake It 'Til You Make It

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Rarity,

Heard you need somepony to help run the shop. I got free time. Plus, I got this new dress made of spoons which is just spoontacular! I can’t wait to show it to the customers!

Your fellow faithfully fashionable friend,
Plaid Stripes

Dear Fluttershy,

Could you help run Rarity For You? Nopony seems to be free. Yup! Nopony is available to help out.

Your friend,
Rarity

Dear Mudbriar,

In my continuing efforts to make amends, I’d like to invite you as my “plus one” to Yakyakistan’s Yikslurbertfest.

They have a stomping ceremony that I’m sure you’ll love.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You can break the fourth wall so how are you not able to see Mudbriar's vision board?

Confused,
Discord

Dear Discord,

Well technically that is true. I guess his strange personality just tuned out my fourth wall breaking abilities. Besides, shouldn't you be more concerned with what was going on with your own bestest friend this episode?

Your fellow fourth wall breaker,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Bestest Friend Fluttershy,

Of all the personas you went for, you didn't think of your old Flutterbat alter ego? Ponies would be pouring in the stores in the hundreds just to meet you. Just look at all the fanart if you don't believe me.

Yours chaotically,
Discord

P.S. Our last tea party together you talked about staying true to yourself. What gives?

Dear Fluttershy,

Honestly, Discord has a point.

You know, because of that fang fade-out in ‘Bats!’ that amounted to nothing and went absolutely nowhere.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Fluttershy,

Seriously? You don’t know what a thread count is?

What the hell happened to your freaky knowledge of sewing?

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Fluttershy,

I get that after publishing that dumb friendship journal, you were criticized for being almost the same character. But that does not mean you should change your entire persona! Just stick with what you know.

Your guidance counselor,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Rarity,

If clothes makes the pony, and we don’t normally wear clothes, what does that make us then?

Your friend,
Applejack

Dear Vacuum Cleaner,

Stop trying to be number one dragon charades champion and clean up the hallways, with your tongue and some detergent.

Your Headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Fluttershy,

Fluttershy my dear! Have you changed your mind on making da magics once again as a fashion model? Equestria needs your grace and beauty!!! Those dresses you wore, they suit you well!

Your ex-photographer,
Photo Finish

To Miss Rarity,

Have you considered doing a corporate consolidation with Rarity For You and Crazy Cap? We could use some more fashion designs after a fat plumber keeps wanting new ones.

Sincerely,
Crazy Cap Cooperation

Dear Rarity,

I guess you and AJ have more in common than either of you think. She makes laughable decisions for a farmer, and you make laughable decisions as a successful business owner.

So all you really needed was Fluttershy’s inner strength to run the shop? Yes, obviously. That’s why you asked her last.

And of course there wasn’t a single employee that you could leave behind from the fashion show or transfer from another location for a single day. Let me guess, Coco came down with another cold, didn’t she?

And then, at the end you claimed that making the perfect dress is much more important than showing it off?

Then why the fuck did you drag your entire Canterlot staff down to some fashion show?

Sincerely,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

The classroom was mostly quiet. Only the sounds of a ticking clock placed on the front of the room was heard. The Young Six were all seated together, staring at one another and looking bored out of their minds as they have been waiting for hours for their teachers to arrive.

“So, urm, are our teachers coming back… or what?” Ocellus asked curiously.

Author's Note

Grannies Gone Wild

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Vacuum Cleaner,

You may need to clean up a very large stain in the gym. Professor Rainbow Dash came all over the floor every time she mentioned that Wild Blue Yonder rollercoaster she wants to ride. So start licking.

-Smolder, Yona, and Sandbar

Dear Granddaughter,

Now listen here, you little whippersnapper! Your rainbow lesbian friend told me that you’re the reason our trip was so boring. Blackmailing your own best friend? Have I taught you nothing!?!

Don’t get too excited? What in land sakes are you mumbling about? It’s not like we will purposely get ourselves injured. If so, our trip would have changed from Grannies Gone Wild to just Grannies Gone. We grannies know enough of our own limits. Respect your elders. Understand? This is my choice. I am way too old to deal with ponies worrying about my own safety. That’s what I had to deal with when my parents were still around. I have not much time left so let this old mare spend it how I want.

I get that your butt mark says that family is important to you, but you need to let go sometimes. So get your head out of your ass and lighten up!

Hence, when I get home later, you’ll be getting a spanking so hard that ponies will confuse your butt for Big Mac. That’ll get you to loosen up that tight ass of yours. Hopefully you won’t say that you didn’t learn anything by the time I’m done with you.

Sincerely,
Granny Smith

Dear Granny Smith,

You need to work on that anger management. Perhaps you still have some lingering remnants of my bottled up anger? Come by my office later to relieve yourself of all that rage.

Your guidance counsellor,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Rainbow Dash,

If you wanted to ride a more awesome rollercoaster just ask the crusaders to build you one next summer. It probably take about less than a day to make.

Sincerely,
Granny Smith

Dear Big Mac,

Did Applejack also give you a list of how to take care of the Gold Horseshoe Gals when you chaperone them? Did you follow her list?

Curious,
Rainbow

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Eeyup and Eenope.

Sincerely,
Big Mac

Dear Sugar Belle,

Hey there my shmoopy-doopy. I’m free tonight and most of my family are not around. Let’s do some rough housing in the barn tonight.

Your coltfriend,
Big McIntosh

Inquiry to the owners of the Wild Blue Yonder,

So, if your roller coaster is super popular, why is it shutting down? Trying to skip town before the safety commission comes knocking?

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

Author's Note

Surf and/or Turf

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Vacuum Cleaner,

Why didn't Headmistress Twilight just ask you to message my parents with that dragon fire of yours?

Curious,
Silverstream

Dear Silverstream,

Firstly, she just wanted to avoid responsibility. Secondly is because she thinks of me as more of a cleaning tool now than a messaging system.

Yours faithfully,
Spike

Dear Twilight,

You had better take care of our sisters/honorary sister when you are in Mount Aris unless you want your school to shutdown due to it becoming understaffed. Because there is still that storm thingy surrounding the area where storm monsters can spawn from. Now all you have to do is keep the crusaders behind the storm shield in Mount Aris, they could probably keep themselves occupied with building stuff from wood, stone, and metal in the meantime.

Sincerely,
Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash

Dear Applejack,

What is this shit I heard from your worthless sister of how you did all the hard work in saving Equestria from the Storm King? You had better get the facts right, because I was the one working my ass off to save Equestria while you just stayed in the background.

Fed up,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Which part was that? The part where you nearly created an international incident by stealing from another kingdom, or where you got your ass captured and we had to chase after you?

-Applejack

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were busy arguing about which area Terramar belong to while Apple Bloom and Terramar looked on.

"Should we stop them?" Terramar asked in worry.

"Nope. Just let them be," Apple Bloom commented.

"Oh, come on! Harmonising Heights is better! Running in the long grassy field, hearing the sounds of music in the wind—” Sweetie Belle started explaining.

“Only to be ambushed by monsters every second or so while running through the tall grass,” Scootaloo interrupted. “Swimming in Seaquestria as a seapony is fantastic! Riding on the Neighwaiian Roller Coaster ride—” Scootaloo said before being cut off.

“That is fun, especially if you can ignore the fact that you are swimming where sea creatures pretty much shit and piss,” Sweetie Belle countered. “Harmonising Heights is more magnificent! Flying through the mountain terrace as a Hippogriff is better than swimming as a seapony,” Sweetie Belle argued.

“If you can avoid being chased by Great Eagles ten times your size,” Scootaloo responded. “Why deal with that kind of danger when you can venture under the sea to unlock its mysteries, searching the deep sea for hidden treasure?” she asked.

“That would eventually be stolen by an annoying giant crab monster that sings about liking shiny things,” Sweetie Belle pointed out. “Plus, there was also that Reaper Leviathan which somehow glitched through the cave walls which pretty much ruined four hours of venturing around,” she added.

“GGGRRRRRRR.” Both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo uttered as they butted heads with one another as Apple Bloom face hoofed at the situation.

The school of Friendship was bustling with activity after hearing that Headmistress Twilight wouldn’t be around while she was visiting the hippogriffs for research as she announced. Though most students knew that she justed wanted to get a taste of the hippogriffs and seaponies and see which was better to have sex with.

One member of the Young Six, Silverstream, was humming happily as she trotted down the hallway in her hippogriff form.

Crash!!!

Students looked on in wide eyed shock at the sudden appearance of a cross eyed mailmare who had somehow manage to destroy the wall of the school in her entrance.

"Letter for a Miss Silverstream!" said Derpy as she lain upside down, hoof holding onto a letter, undeterred by the damage she caused.

“Oh, thank you,” Silverstream said politely as she reached forward to take the letter. Looking at it, she smiled, realizing it was a letter from her sibling. Opening the letter, she started reading it.

Dear Sister,

Sup, my loving sister! Finally got over my dilemma of which world I belong in, land or sea, but it makes me wonder… Do you prefer being at the School of Friendship with your friends or staying at Mount Aris with your Hippogriff and Seapony family?

Your bro,
Terramar

Finished reading, Silverstream suddenly looked deep in thought and then gasped.

"Oh no! I CAN'T DECIDE!" Silverstream cried out as she put her talons to her face in despair at her current dilemma.

Dear Twilight,

Since we have proven that we could handle problems outside Equestria, does this mean we can be part of your School of Friendship?

Ready to help,
Cutie Mark Crusaders

Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders,

Could you wait for six more episodes to ask that? Don't rush it.

Your friend,
Pinkie Pie

Author's Note

Horse Play

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Princess Celestia,

So you expect us to believe you can’t act?

You spend all day smiling and waving. You give prepared speeches. You hold nightly town halls in as civil a manner as possible.

Last I checked, that’s fucking acting.

Sincerely,
‘A New Day In Equestria’ Cast and Crew

Dear Princess Celestia or should I say Nicole Oliver?,

No acting experience at all? That has to be one of the most ironic lines I’ve heard. You’re a voice actor for a show about pastel coloured ponies. Act like it.

Your fellow voice actor,
Discord or rather John De Lancie

Dear Starlight,

Pack your bags and get your ass out of my castle.

I think I’m done being your ‘teacher’ teacher. You weren’t that great of a student. Maybe you just weren’t a ‘student’ student.

Just like the rest of the Elements aren’t my ‘friends’ friends.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go handle a fuckton of refund requests because Rainbow falsely advertised Celestia in the lead role of our play.

Beat it.

Sincerely,
‘Princess’ Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Maybe if you had attended a social meeting with my ex-mentor, you would be less nervous about meeting a ‘Princess’ Princess Celestia. But no. Go to your backstabbing ‘friend’ friend, Trixie, for her dumb daredevil stunt.

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

I’ve heard you made a hoof-stitched Starswirl cosplay. Can I use it for the play?

Sincerely,
Sandbar

Dear Sandbar,

Sorry, after I realized what a fucking dick he was, I burned the damned costume.

Your Headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

Takes one to know one.

Sincerely,
Sandbar

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

So, who's the nurse for our school? We have bleeding eardrums after the Princess decided to Fus Ro Dah without warning, and broken bones due to her pulling away the stage from right under us.

In need of tender love and medical attention,
The Young Six

Dear Diary,

Why doesn’t anypony listen to me?

Sincerely,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

Because the last time I listened to you, a Las Pegasus getaway was nearly ruined.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

To Princess Celestia,

If you’re not going to step up your game in this play then get the fuck out of here!

Signed,
Director Twilight Sparkle

To Director Twilight Sparkle,

Would you prefer me to cut off all your school’s funding?

Signed,
Princess Celestia

To Princess Celestia,

Welcome back! Would like some refreshments? How about deserts! Some banana cake maybe?

Your understanding director,
Director Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, let me get this straight. You won’t tweak the sunset and moonrise for a huge performance by Songbird Serenade for hundreds, but you’ll give us a 9PM sunrise for a play that had maybe fifty attendees?

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Amazing play, Princess! Those special effects were absolutely astounding!

Sincerely,
Everypony who attended the play.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Um, what the fuck just happened with the sun?

Sincerely,
Everypony else in Equestria.

Dear Sister,

Why must you always steal the spotlight with that sun of yours?

Your annoyed sister,
Luna

Dear Sister,

Maybe if you showed them a full moon, ponies might take notice, too. Especially the stallions, they’ll be clopping until the cows come home.

Your more popular sister,
Celestia

Dear Fluttershy,

I’ve heard that you’re good at making alternate personas of yourself. With that outfit of myself, you could make a great stunt double! I could use a break from the day court.

Your commanding princess,
Celestia

Dear Sister,

Just use that dumb magical amulet you have to disguise yourself and ditch the day court. Or better yet, give that job to Twilight.

The forever and always best princess,
Luna

“Well, that went better than expected,” said Twilight, disgruntledly, after the end of the play.

“I couldn’t agree more, Twilight. In fact, I had so much fun tonight, I've decided to give up my crown, step down from the throne, and devote all of my time to the theater!” Princess Celestia proclaimed.

“W-wait... what?! Really?” Twilight said in excitement, thinking of taking the throne after Princess Celestia departure to her doomed acting career.

“Gotcha! Maybe I'm not such a bad actress after all,” Celestia joked, causing the rest of Twilight’s friends and Spike to laugh alongside Celestia.

“Fuck you all,” Twilight swore.

Author's Note

Dance Magic (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Diary,

These fundraisers are just so tiring. Granted, we were doing this to fund the repairs for Camp Everfree, and finally built that damn dock, but I honestly believed we would have gotten the show on the road much faster if we had just sung a song and been done with it. Instead, however, I had to endure Pinkie’s explosive bake sales and terrible babysitting service; and Twilight and Fluttershy's pet project of theirs which nearly caused me to get overrun by those dirty, stinky animals. Um... no offence, Spike. And now there's this carwash set up by Rainbow Dash and Sunset Shimmer.

After washing vehicle after vehicle today, I oh so needed a break right about now. And all this scrubbing was doing a number on my clothes! Just look at the stains! Plain horrid, I tell you! The sad part was that all this hard work, labouring from five to nine, only managed to get us half the funds. I'm telling you, this fundraiser was rigged! Rigged, I tell you!! What were all the rest of CHS student body doing while we did this!?!

And now, with only a week left, it was time for this fashionista to shine like rainbows! It was my turn to pitch in with one of my usual dazzling ideas. Problem was... I didn't have any!!!

Good old Spikey-Wikey decided to be blatantly obvious about that fact. To be frank, he was, figuratively and literally, being a son of a bitch at that moment.

Hoping for inspiration to manifest, I wandered the mall and by fate I stumble across a music video competition. This was a splendid idea to get the rest of our funding. My friends and I are from a school of rock and roll so we'll definitely win by a landslide through our spectacular singing voices. Or perhaps we'll summon a giant magical unicorn to destroy the rest of the competition. Whichever comes first. And maybe even get famous as well? I certainly wouldn't mind. Chance to Prance? More like a chance to be popular!!!

It was then that I stumbled across the glory whor— I mean the Crystal Preppers who were also entering the competition. Well, no matter, I will come out on top in the end. Now all I need is to perfect the dance routine to my friends for the video.

The beginning phases of it opened up with a lights, camera and disaster. Their dancing was worse than Princess Twilight if you can believe it. I must admit that the chances of me being able to teach all of them how to dance like professionals was as likely as Principal Celestia teaching a class. Then, to top it off, Rainbow's clothes got ripped. I would have suggested Rainbow to just dance without clothes, that would have gathered a lot of views, but I figured it was the perfect excuse to get out of there. The less time spent with these epic failures the better.

I return to the mall, the birthplace of my music video inspiration, only to see those Shadowbolts using my concept. My idea... stolen. Plagiarized leaving me to bite the dust. Maybe when they’re done they can go get jobs at that IGN place.

Despondent, I was inclined to go back to my boutique and despair in my chair. However, a fine line had been drawn between the two schools since the Friendship Games, and those bitches just crossed it! As Pinkie had put it, they were quick to be dicks so they have to confess to their sins to win and quit their shit. All I needed to do was get into Crystal Prep. Luckily, I had the pièce de résistance of disguises. With Twilight, I thankfully had an easier time breaking into the school than Pinkie and Rainbow did. Though I wasn't at all surprised that Twilight didn't know her way around her own school since she normally does her mad twience stuff only at their school lab.

Finally, we manage to confront them, only for these uncouth women to have the nerve to deck their cards against us. I was tempted to get Pinkie to throw one of her sparkle bombs until these insolent ladies were nothing but a million sparkles falling across the floor they stood on, but I had bigger things to worry about.

Those cheats will be beat!... My word!! I'm starting to sound like Pinkie, now...

I only need to create a new better and original routine. That will certainly shake things up and teach them for stealing ideas from moi.

The main problem was that my friends ideas were ghastly, to say the least, and would require even more funds to do it. There are steps to prepping these video ideas, don't they know? We can't just record the ideas we have into a music video unless we installed a camera to Sunset’s brain. In fact, they didn't incorporate any dance moves into them! The final countdown before the submission deadline had already begun and we were wasting daylight!

Despondent once more, I decided to just binge eat my despair away with some ice cream. A shame that Pinkie wasn't working that day, she would have known what treat I needed right then and there. By chance, I overheard some sweet, juicy gossip which was the best news I could hear. Of all the things Crystal Prep Academy had accomplished, they couldn't think up an original song! Hard to believe when CHS pushes out a new original song out of nowhere between classes. Nonetheless, I felt a new idea stirring deep down inside my soul upon hearing their plight. So, I struck a deal with them. We work together, with their choreography and our music. It was a guaranteed success!

Thus, we danced the night away, friends by our side, to complete the video. And. We. WON! We really raised the roof with our music video! Though I'm certain the Rainbooms were pretty much the star of the show with me as the rising diva. Now we could save Camp Everfree and build the docks for my fashion runway! Nothing can go wrong from there!

Also, the Wondercolts and Shadowbolts were at another truce. For now...

All because of me, darling Rarity, for saving the day. What's next? Well, my friends and I are off to get a behind the scenes look of an upcoming movie. This little detour can help catch us a break from all these high school drama at CHS.

Yours Truly,
Rarity

Dear Rarity,

So, you spent all the funds your group had earned to save Camp Everfree for a slim chance at winning a music video contest? Quite an awfully risky endeavor, if I do say so myself.

If this is how you handle business it's no wonder your boutique isn't getting any more popular than it is right now.

Sincerely,
Sugarcoat

P.S. How the hell do you have the time to run your own business, anyway? You’re in high school.

Author's Note

A lot of you may be wondering why this letter for Dance Magic took so long to write. Last year, I initially planned to write it, but with my national service drawing close and Miles planning to end Letters of A Disgruntled Friendship Student at the MLP Movie, I abandoned that little project. Obviously, since season eight started, Miles decided to continue Letters. Though I had forgotten about writing a letter for Dance Magic by that point. It was only through a PM by Miles mentioning about how we should do a letter for Forgotten Friendship that I remembered.

Fast forward to now, I've somewhat settled into army life so I've found ways to find time to write for Letters any way I can; and I've thankfully manage to write the first letter for Dance Magic. Hopefully, it was worth the wait. I will definitely be doing Movie Magic and Mirror Magic letters right before finishing up the EQG Specials with Forgotten Friendship.

And, finally, I have a challenge for you readers. In the long diary entry written by Rarity, I've referenced the various EQG Shorts, old and new, inside. Some are obvious, some are subtle. Can you spot them all?

-MixMassBasher

The Parent Map

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

To Everypony,

You get a parent! You get a parent! You all get parents!!!

-Hasbro

To Hasbro,

Where’s my other parent? So far, everypony at least were shown both of their parents. Why do you only give me half of them? And a crappy one at that!!

Pissed off,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Because they had to use the excuse of them being overbearing parents to explain why you never visit them at all unless you want them both dead like, AJ’s parents. Just be glad your parents didn’t humiliate you in front of thousands of ponies.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Ex-Student,

Ha! You have such a shitty father! Luckily, my own parents are superior to yours.

Your ex-teacher,
Headmistress Twilight

Dear Ex-Teacher,

Your parents left you under the care of a molester for a mentor. So, tell me, how are they superior to my father again?

Your ex-student,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Stellar Flare,

Drinking fruit through smoothies is not as cool as you think. Trust me. Try drinking it for seven hundred years and you may notice some heavy side effects.

Signed,
Captain B. McCrea of the Axiom

Dear Stellar Flare,

I may be in need of those special perfumes of yours.

Your ghostly under the sea captain,
The Flying Dutchman

Dear Father,

I’m sure that even the so-called “Princess of Friendship” would disagree with the notion of not being able to touch or read books in a fucking bookstore.

Your daughter,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Daughter,

Just take a look at Griffonstone and you can see how not preserving their library caused it to end up that way it is now. I’m totally justified.

And such language! Do you want me to get the paddle and soap again?

Your father,
Firelight

Dear Sunburst,

Just be glad we didn't visit my granny instead. The last time I visited her, she tried wacking me with a baseball bat for the next five days. It didn't help that she knew where I was the whole time with the creaking floorboards in the house.

Sincerely,
Starlight

Dear Starlight,

So, your dad showed me your room before we left.

Was it just a phase? The same phase that caused you to start stealing cutie marks?

Sincerely,
Sunburst

Dear Sunburst,

I’m pretty sure “spends entire allowance at Hay Topic” and “cutie mark stealing cult leader” qualify as two separate phases.

Sincerely,
Starlight

Letter 1

Dear Sunburst,

How are you? I hope you have done well in applying your magical talents in school.

Sincerely,
Stellar Flare

Letter 117

Dear Sunburst,

Hi, son! It’s your mummy again. How’s everything? By the way, when was the last time you talked to Starlight? Ever since you went to magic school, have you ever tried contacting her? I’m not getting any older, you know. I want grand-foals! I got the wedding plans done ahead of time before you even propose to her!

Sincerely,
Stellar Flare

Letter 118

Dear Sunburst,

Hi, dearie! It’s your mother once again. Why haven’t you replied back to my messages? Since you flunked out of magic school and moved to the Crystal Empire, you must have plenty of time to chat with your own mother.

By the way, did you ever bring a cloak with you to keep yourself warm? Perhaps I should starts planning on sending extra thick sweaters for you! Because you never know what might happen. I mean a blizzard, perhaps, could probably start storming into the Crystal Empire. It pays to be prepared.

Sincerely,
Stellar Flare

Letter 119

Dear Sunburst,

I had to mail this straight away when I heard the news. You’ve become a Royal Crystaller! Oh, you have make your mother so proud!! I have a party planned and everything. Just drop by Sire's Hollow when you’re free and we can celebrate together.

Sincerely,
Stellar Flare

Letter 144

Dear Sunburst,

Heard that you visited Starlight for her graduation ceremony. Maybe you should use this opportunity for you two to get together. You’re very lucky that she’s still single, you know? Maybe you should consider inviting her over to the Crystal Empire to continue her magic studies with you.

But don’t worry if you two get too ambitious and try more complicated spells that could potentially create a black hole. I got this Time Turner fellow to help you in case anything like that ever happens.

Sincerely,
Stellar Flare

Letter 167

Dear Sunburst,

I’m so proud to hear that you’ve taken the initiative to try to bond with Starlight. I can practically hear the wedding bells ringing around the corner. I even got all your favorite board games you two used to play together like Dragon Pit so you can bond with Starlight all the more!

Sincerely,
Stellar Flare

Letter 168

Dear Sunburst,

So? How did it go with you and Starlight? Hopefully, you’re not doing anything dangerous with Starlight, like accidentally unleashing ancient evils.

But don’t worry my son. I got this Japanese Samurai from the future whom has experience dealing with such situations. Just message me if you need any assistance.

Sincerely,
Stellar Flare

Author's Note

Hello awesome readers!

You may have noticed that since summer began, our Season 8 content has slowed to a trickle. A once-a-month trickle, to be precise.

Simply put, with Mix adapting to military life, I made the decision to slow chapters to once a month to give him enough time to contribute, because I can't see myself doing this without him.

He was adamant about doing the EQG Mirror Magic trilogy, so this month, it's a two-fer.

See you all in October!

-Miles

Non-Compete Clause

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash,

I’m seriously considering Pinkie Pie’s suggestion of a potted plant teaching the students with how sloppy you two were with educating them.

Your Headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash,

I think I may have misunderstood her. I thought she wanted some pot before she went to teach the students.

Whoops.

-Pinkie

Dear Headmistress Twilight Sparkle,

So, are Professors Rainbow Dash and Applejack in a relationship or something? They kept competing with one another like an old married couple.

Sincerely,
The Young Six

Dear Fluttershy,

Okay, we give up. And we tried everything! How are you still receiving the friendship teacher of the month award? Did you have sex with Twilight nine times!?!

Sincerely,
Applejack and Rainbow Dash

Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash,

Not quite. Twilight doesn’t do the voting.

I’ll just leave it at that and let you two think about it. It’s bound to come to you sooner or later.

Sincerely,
Fluttershy,

Dear Rainbow Dash,

You’ll need a better stick expert if you want to build a more stable bridge.

Your Technical Pony,
Mudbriar

Dear Rainbow Dash and Applejack,

If it’s any consolation, you both got the worst pony for the first half of season eight award!

Your friend,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

I wouldn't be one to brag, Miss 'P.P.O.V.'

Sincerely,
Applejack and Rarity

At Headmistress Twilight’s Office….

“I’m sorry to say Mister… Baldi, was it? But I don’t think we are in need of your methods of teaching here in my school. This is a friendship school. Not a math school.” Headmistress Twilight explained to the tall bald figure dressed in a green shirt and blue jeans.

Baldi remained silent and merely stood up before exiting the room, all the while slapping the ruler he held. With the room now empty, disgruntled Twilight let out a groan of annoyance.

Looking for teachers that could replace Applejack and Rainbow Dash was more difficult than one would think. Especially when all the other possible replacements were somehow even worse than the bickering duo. On the bright side, at least this Baldi was a better candidate than that one pony teacher who was obsessed with capturing breezies since he thought they grant wishes to foals as godparents.

“Well, hopefully the next one is a better choice. Now who was it?” Twilight muttered as she scanned through her entire checklist of possible teachers, with a majority of names being crossed out with red marker.

“Oh here it is. A female pony teacher who values reputation, Miss Cinch— Oh fuck me!” Twilight cried out.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Not a chance.

Sincerely,
Miss Cinch

Dear Headmare Twilight,

If Fluttershy has won Teacher of the Month nine times, may we ask just how fucking long is a semester at this school?

Sincerely,
Gallus, Ocellus, Yona, Silverstream, Sandbar, and Smolder

Author's Note

Mirror Magic (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Diary,

Instead of spending a wonderful day of kite flying with Trixie, I'm stuck waiting in this accursed room for my fellow student of Princess Twilight.

Apparently, Sunset Shimmer ran out of pages in her book. Thus, she had to come back here and get another one. Guess Sunset's plan of annoying Princess Twilight with random spam letters worked a little too well...

I figured Princess Twilight would have solved the problem by stealing those dimension cutting scissors that are all the rage these days and dump another dang vibrator book into the human world, but I'm guessing another bitchy unicorn beat her to the punch.

Hence, she got me to pass it to Sunset in her place. Guess Little Miss Friendship didn't want to help a friend in person?

I have to say though, I wasn't impressed by this mare. Send an army of brainwashed teenagers to conquer Equestria? Bitch, please. I nearly converted the Mane Six to my cause as well as nearly ended all of time. Amateur. This was Twilight's first student!?! She doesn't even know how to levitate a fucking book!!

Yet, she gets a necklace that allows her to blackmail everyone she knows and loves while I get this useless pink medal of courage! Bogus. What I was more fascinated by, however, was the human world. I was so interested, in fact, that I just hopped right over there. So what if Twilight finds out? I was on par with that bitch and nearly bested her magicwise during our time travelling fiasco. She can go fly a kite for all I care.

And I can definitely lay low. It's easy enough. I've been quite successful hiding in the background when I was stalking Twilight for my revenge plan back in the day.

The human world itself was pretty different, and not so different at the same time. There was this hobo in one corner screaming that it's the end of the world, which seems the same as our world with the usual evil villain on a daily basis. Except here they have to deal with issues such as global warming, woman rights or Trump. Guess Equestria really is a better place. I question why Sunset chooses to stay here. Probably for the wifi.

I also learned that cults are a thing here. Damn. I thought I was the first one to do that. Someone even stole my poisoned Kool-Aid idea!

But the best part was getting these fingers. They are absolutely amazing! I can now do this hand gesture, called flipping the bird, to anypon— I mean anyone I don't like. If only I could do this everyday back in Equestria when I see Princess Twilight. Maybe I'll teach it to Spike.

One thing I didn't like was this outfit. It felt restricting. However, walking around naked was taboo around here. Bet all the guys here would disagree to that notion, Sunset.

Of course, the first thing we teenage girls do is go to the mall. How typical. Let me guess, next thing that'll happen is Sunset complaining about some high school drama. Oh wait. That did happen. Sunset was apparently worried about any magical problems that could come her way with Equestrian magic running rampant.

Eh. My advice? Forget about it. That's what I do since becoming Princess Twilight pupil and I've been doing fine. Well... other than causing Twilight's friends to get brainwashed. But that's beside the point.

Of course, karma decided to fuck with me today as we had to face yet another problem with Equestrian magic just after telling Sunset not to worry about it.

Sunset decided to try and impress me by going at it solo only to get sucked into a mirror. So, in summary, Sunset has faced and survived a friendship orbital cannon, singing sirens, a demon bookworm and a crazy plant lady but gets defeated by a movie theatre employee. What logic is that!?!

I would have just hightailed back to Equestria after my new friend’s supposed demise, but that crazy movie theatre employee decided to transform into a titan and run amuck in the mall.

Oh, Equestrian magic, I hate you so much right now.

I figured it was time to show Sunset how real hero work was done. Hence, when the crazy movie theatre employee kept muttering about who's the fairest of them all to her magic mirror, I snatched her mirror from her. In hindsight, not one of my brightest ideas as I had to start running away from that crazy bitch.

Backed into a corner, I did what I do best. I convinced her that fame wasn't what she wanted. That she needs equality, and what better way to start than with friends?

That seemed to do the trick as she started turning back to normal. Great. Yet another reformed villain. Yay. But does this mean that I have finally mastered the art of friendship or are humans very susceptible to false promises? Maybe I should run for president here. I've heard the current one likes to make false claims, too.

In the end we decided to have a picnic beside the magic portal. It made the perfect dustbin as we threw our litter to the other side.

It was at this moment that we received a message from the bitch herself stating that I can prolong my stay here.

Surprising, I know.

Princess Twilight probably wanted some alone time to do her usual bedroom stuff. Freakin' whore.

Your now humanized pony,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Princess Twilight,

Sunset's a better bedroom buddy than you. Why? She knows what the meaning of consent is when undergoing sexual intercourse. Something you'll never understand.

Your student,
Starlight Glimmer

Author's Note

The Break Up Break Down

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Discord,

How could you not understand love? Love is the most chaotic thing in existence! The drama. The tension. And especially the possibilities of who you can love.

Just look at Japanese anime. One pony can fall in love with multiple mares. There’s also shipping between siblings. After all, incest is wincest. You may not even fall in love with the opposite gender! And that’s okay! Love is love, after all.

Basically, love is universal. It can come in any shape or form.

Yours lovingly,
Princess Cadance

Dear Princess Cadance,

Chaotic? More like cliche and formulaic.

It’s always the same sappy thing. A high school romance. A forbidden love. Best friend or enemies becoming couples. Or maybe even where the main character has to choose between two different love interest that he or she likes. These type of love stories have become tired and overdone.

Don’t believe me? Just look at this episode!?! Sugar Belle and Big Mac nearly ending their relationship over a lack of communication! Try to guess how many shows have done that type of trope before. I rest my case.

Yours chaotically,
Discord

Dear Big Mac,

Apologies, but you cannot possibly blame us for the mix up. It is not our job to play Pictionary when attempting to figure out the postal address you put on your package.

Mad props on the packaging though. That pie wasn’t a pile of goop by the time it got to Sweetie Belle.

Sincerely,
Postmaster Derpy Hooves,
Ponyville Mail Service

Dear Derpy,

Drawn recipient aside, he would have a point.

I seem to recall when I got my Crystalling invitation.

The wind has better delivery service than you.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

"Maybe it's somepony in this school? There are a couple of male students here." Apple Bloom explained to Sweetie Belle as the Cutie Mark Crusaders entered the school of friendship.

"Yeah! There's bound to be somepony here that could be your secret admirer!" Scootaloo chimed in.

It was at this point that the Young Six were passing hallway as they headed over to their next lesson. However, Gallus the Griffon suddenly stopped in his tracks as he saw the CMC. Or more particularity; a certain white unicorn. Gallus immediately moved in front of the CMCs' path with a winning smile.

"Hey there, babe. I heard you are a mare of action. How about you and me catch some action together if you know what I'm saying." said Gallus as he used his claw to comb the feathers on his head.

The rest of the Young Six merely rolled their eyes at their friend’s failed antics and also the inevitable...

Slap!

Gallus was immediately thrown backwards into the locker behind him from Sweetie Belle slapping him.

"Pervert," muttered Sweetie Belle as she trotted away while the rest of the Young Six shook their heads at Gallus who was currently seeing stars.

"Well, one thing's for sure. It's definitely not that student that gave Sweetie the pie," Scootaloo whispered to Apple Bloom.

"Eeyup." Apple Bloom replied.

Dear Grand Wizard Garbunkle,

We are through! You are supposed to save me! Not flirt with some imaginary one-dimensional paper cut out skeleton who works for the very Squizard that captured me!

Signed,
Princess Shmarity

Author's Note

Happy Holidays from Miles and Mix!

Molt Down

Dear Vacuum Cleaner,

So, you have wings now? Good. Now you can clean the ceilings more effectively. Start scrubbing.

Your Headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. You're worried about me kicking you out? I'll kick you out right this instant if you don't replace my burnt lecture notes!

P.P.S Since your balls finally dropped, you would probably be better in bed. Get ready to suck some cunt.

Dear Spike,

For payment of my service to hide you from a friend.
I require Dragon Essence since your Molt is at its end.
But to collect it is quite unorthodox and will fill you with dread.
So steel yourself, young dragon, as I give you some head.

Your friend,
Zecora

MY DEAREST SPIKE,

I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR MOLT! COME BY MY BOUTIQUE ANYTIME AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW A REAL STALLION SHOULD TREAT A LADY SUCH AS MYSELF!!!

YOUR LADY IN WAITING,
RARITY

Dear Rarity,

Look, I don't know what kind of clothing you need me to hold up while you stitch, but if you had a wing fetish you would have been all over Twilight years ago, or at the very least Smolder when we opened the school.

They're called mannequins. Adjust the height, start paying me for my time, or start putting out. Pick one.

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Smolder,

So, now that my molt is over and I'm a full grown dragon, want to fly together? We can take our relationship to new heights, if you know what I mean.

-Spike

To Dragon Lord Ember,

Permission to go back to dragon lands? Ever since his molt, Spike has been acting more touchy-feely with me and not in a good way. Please reply soon.

Your representative,
Smolder

Dear Smolder,

In case you've forgotten, you were selected to go to Twilight's school because you were getting too touchy-feely with too many dragons here. Crackle is still having nightmares.

See how it feels?

Deal with it. You're not coming home without a Bachelor's Degree in Friendship.

Sincerely,
Dragon Lord Ember

To The Equestrian Society for the Preservation and Conservation of Animals,

I would like to start a Roc farm ~~as a dragon deterrence measure~~ for scientific research on these ~~avian diseases~~ magnificent creatures.

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

Dear Spike,

I wouldn't say that you're grown up just yet. Maybe once you grow up some more you'll finally unlock Alpha Mode.

Your official dragon expert,
Hiccup

Author's Note

And Letters bravely enters the new year!

(Isn't that the damn truth. Only one of the worst episodes in the show.)

Marks For Effort

Dear Cheerilee,

Sorry but we're dropping out of your school.

Any student will agree that school sucks. Yet, Princess Twilight's school is miraculously the exception. Our only concern there is that Pinkie serves her special cupcakes to students.

But who wouldn't go to a school that doesn't follow EEA standards?

As expected, however, Twilight acted like a bitch and wouldn't let us in. We tried convincing our sisters/honorary sister otherwise, but they didn't want us near that purple menace. Our second plan of fooling Fluttershy and Pinkie didn't work either.

Opportunity was at hoof, however, when we meet this crying young filly named Cozy Glow. Third time’s the charm, I guess. This was probably our only ticket in. Well, besides breaking and entering. We already tried that. Twilight sure knows how to set up bear traps and throw tomatoes...

This plan is guaranteed to succeed! Hopefully with it not ending with us covered in tree sap.

We have to say that Cozy Glow was quite the fast learner in her friendship homework. You could practically see the starites popping out of each pony she helped. Now that she aced her assignments, she could now pass her friendship examination. And perhaps she could help convince a certain headmistress to let us go to her school??? Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge.

But what does she get instead? A big fat F! We thought this was a good grade. You know, F is for friends who do stuff together. Unfortunately, it meant she failed.

Princess Twilight was furious and banned us from her school. We thought all was lost until Cozy confessed that she purposely failed the test to let us in. We figure she needs to listen to some more Applejack's lectures on honesty.

In the end, we became enrolled into the school as tutors to all the students there.

We reckon Twilight only wanted more free labor, but the heck do we care? We don't need to study no more!

Your new school dropouts,
CMC

To Headmistress Twilight,

Did you have to steal three of my most promising students?

If you think that your school can do whatever it wants because it doesn't follow EEA standards, then you have another think coming.

The least you could do is hire me, as well.

Your fellow educator,
Cheerilee

Dear Cheerilee,

The EEA standards have nothing to do with me doing whatever I want.

It has more to do with being a motherfucking Princess.

So you want a job, eh? Well, that’s some fine chalk handling you do with your mouth. Care to give me a private demonstration?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Vacuum Cleaner,

Stop flaunting your wing boner at the students.

Your master,
Headmistress Twilight

Dear Twilight,

We could easily say the same to you.

Sincerely,
The Whole Damn School

Dear Cozy Glow,

I like your deviousness. How would you like to be my new apprentice?

Your guidance counselor,
Starlight Glimmer

To the School Counselor,

Buzz off. She's my student. Stick to counselling. You get to do almost nothing. Who doesn't want that?

Your Headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Cozy Glow,

Now listen here, missy. Just because I'm reformed and all, doesn't mean I want other ponies messing with those ex-blank flanks. Got it?

Yours truly,
Diamond Tiara

"Seriously? Is that a book or a foot stool?" Scootaloo joked, looking at the large rule book by the E.E.A.

"I mean, look at this! It's just ridiculous!" Scootaloo continued.

"Yeah. Rule number twenty-one seems rather specific," Sweetie Belle commented.

"And we don't need rule twenty-four with Twilight around," Apple Bloom pointed out.

All the CMC shivered at that thought.

"Well, I'm glad that we don't have to deal with those rules no more," Apple Bloom muttered.

"Agreed." Sweetie Belle said, using her magic to toss the heavy rulebook into the trash can.

DA SKOOL RULES (E.E.A Approved)

The proper rules and requirements for any school to meet the standards of the E.E.A.

21) Chemistry equipment is for scientific purposes only. Not to be worn over your head.

22) Magic school bus learning journeys are reserved for unicorns only.

23) Singing of the Equestrian Anthem is to be conducted every school morning. (Not to be sung by dragons.)

24) The Birds and the Bees will be taught at the appropriate time for the young foals and colts. (I'm looking at you, Princess Cadence!!)

25) For students who want to do well in school, please refer to the school survival guide (results may vary).

26) Any colt continuing with their misbehavior, despite repeated warnings, shall be drafted to military school.

27) All biology classes must have lessons involving the dissection of frogs.

28) No food fights in the cafeteria.

29) Do not disturb the janitor unless you want to be stabbed by the blunt end of his broomstick.

30) For mathematics lessons, students must finish at least seven notebook assignments, and if any are answered incorrectly, they shall face the blunt slap of a ruler.

-Page 3-

To Tirek,

Mission accomplished. I'm in.

Your villain in arms,
Cozy Glow

Author's Note

The Mean Six

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

"And I will rule as Queen once again!!!" Queen Chrysalis shouted as she cast her spell.

Queen Chrysalis smiled sinesterly at the birth of her new evil minions. Her sweet, sweet revenge has just begun...

"Hiya! I'm Pinkie Pie. Wanna be my friend?" Clone Pinkie Pie shouted out happily, bouncing towards the copy of Fluttershy.

"Oh urm... okay..." Clone Fluttershy whispered softly as the pink mare got into her face.

"Yippie!" Clone Pinkie Pie cheered, causing Clone Fluttershy to shrink back.

"Hey, back off! That's my friend! Give her some space!" Clone Rainbow Dash shouted.

"Oh! Sorry," Clone Pinkie Pie apologized, mane deflating a little.

"Don’t worry! You just need to tone it down, sugarcube," Clone Applejack answered, consoling Clone Pinkie.

"Well, howdy there, I'm AJ," Clone Applejack said as she introduced herself to Clone Rainbow Dash.

"Sup. The names Dash. Rainbow Dash," Clone Rainbow Dash replied.

"Up for a race?" Clone Applejack smirked.

"Oh ho ho ho. You're on!" Clone Rainbow shouted.

"Oh, my! What a marvellous manecut! Just who is your hairdresser?" A voice interrupted, which revealed to belong Clone Rarity.

"I'm not too sure, actually," Clone Rainbow Dash answered, scratching the back of her neck.

"Pretty sure that her hairstyle is natural considering we're a product of a spell," Clone Twilight Sparkle explained matter of factly.

"Oh, that's cool!" Clone Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

It was then that Clone Pinkie Pie hopped up to Clone Twilight Sparkle.

"Hiya! I'm Pinkie Pie. Wanna be my friend?" Clone Pinkie Pie asked once again this time more politely.

"Urm... Sure!" Clone Twilight Sparkle agreed with a happy smile.

Queen Chrysalis could only stare dumbfounded at the giggling mares before growling in anger.

"Listen to your queen! We must retrieve the Elements of Harmony!" Queen Chrysalis demanded.

"One question, though," Clone Pinkie Pie interrupted.

"WHAT!?" Queen Chrysalis bellowed.

"Are you our mommy?" Clone Pinkie Pie questioned.

That comment caused Queen Chrysalis’ eye to twitch in response.

Dear Sunburst,

After a recent camping trip, and hearing from other ponies of their own camping trips, I've come up with this little equation:

Camping = Disaster.

That pretty much sums things up, doesn't it?

Your friend,
Starlight Glimmer

"Gah!" Clone Twilight Sparkle cried out as she was ambushed.

"You're it! Hey, how'd you get ahead of me? Or am I high again?" Pinkie asked herself.

"Pinkie are you alright?" Clone Twilight Sparkle asked politely, realizing that she bumped into her friend.

"I'm fine! Only a little stoned. Not that I mind," Pinkie happily explained.

"I see... Have you seen Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash? They got separated from us," Clone Twilight Sparkle questioned.

"Don't know. Maybe they're up ahead at the Tree of Harmony?" Pinkie started to say. "Ohhh! Look! Roses. Just smell these roses!"

Pinkie immediately scooped up a bunch inhaling them deeply in her muzzle. "Ahhh! Oh, yeah!"

Curious, Clone Twilight Sparkle followed suit, smelling it softly.

"Hmmmm... Yes these are lovely." Clone Twilight Sparkle admitted, sniffing the flora with a happy smile.

"Yup! Especially if you grind them to bits and mix it with some pot!" Pinkie happily uttered.

"P-P-Pot!?! What!?! Pinkie, are you insane? This doesn't seem like you."

"What are you talking about Twi? I've always been this way!" Pinkie asked in curiosity.

Dear Discord,

Wanna hang out? I've got nothing to do. Wasn't invited to a certain camping trip.

Your role-playing friend,
Spike

Dear Spike,

You bring the chips, Big Mac brings the cider, and I'll bring the alternate universe.

Let's get our O&O on!

Sincerely,
Discord

"Oh, Rainbow Dash. I'm so glad you're here. I was lost." Fluttershy happily uttered as she saw her flying friend.

"I know. I was looking for you everywhere! Are you hurt?" Clone Rainbow Dash asked, her voice held a tinge of concern. Fluttershy took note of this sudden change in behavior from her long time friend.

"Um, Rainbow? Is something wrong? You're usually much more self-centered," Fluttershy asked politely.

"Since when? I never leave a pony hanging. Come on!" Clone Rainbow Dash exclaimed before dashing off to the skyline.

"What just happened?" Fluttershy asked out loud.

"Finally you found her!" Clone Rarity said in relief.

"Me? We're looking for Fluttershy!" Rainbow angrily shouted.

"Where's Starlight?" asked Applejack.

"Well, if I knew that—" Clone Rarity started to say before noticing Rainbow had a mud stain on her tail.

Clone Rarity immediately used her magic to tug on Rainbow's tail before levitating a napkin to clean it up.

"Hey!" Rainbow Dash whined as she felt her tail being pulled.

"There. Much better. Can't have a good friend of mine have her coat dirtied," Clone Rarity finally said.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked at each other then back to Rarity. She hadn't complained even once about the camping trip in her over-dramatic fashion like she usually does.

"Rarity, what in the hay didya’ hit yer head with?" Applejack asked, wondering what was wrong with Rarity.

"Nothing. Whatever made you think that, darling?"

"Who's breakin' what now?" Clone Applejack asked before looking at Starlight. "Who are you?"

"Very funny, Applejack. Still me under all this gear. Starlight."

"Starlight? How 'bout that? Y'all better come with me. It's, uh, dangerous out here."

"Applejack, darling, are you alright? You look a little peaked. And where's your wagon?" Rarity inquired.

"Uh... you see... The truth is that I'm a clone of Applejack that was sent here by Queen Chrysalis to take revenge on Starlight by retrieving the Elements of Harmony. It's the honest truth."

Starlight and Rarity merely stared at the mare’s proclamation.

"Ugh, fine! Don't tell us then! And here I thought you were the element of honesty." Starlight said.

Rarity just looked at Clone Applejack and huffed in her face before trotting off, leaving Clone Applejack mentally thanking herself for this stroke of luck.

Dear Applejack,

You packed everything and the kitchen sink. How could you not have anything in that wagon of yours for mane maintenance?

Your friend,
Rarity

"Pinkie. There you are. Where the fuck were you?" Disgruntled Twilight exclaimed as she flew down next to Clone Pinkie Pie.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Disgruntled Twilight added.

"Shhhhh. Listen," Clone Pinkie Pie interrupted, staring intently at the enlarging bubble.

"POP!" came the sound of the bubble as it burst.

"Hahahahaha. These pop sounds are so entertaining. Hehehehehe," Clone Pinkie Pie giggled.

Disgruntled Twilight just stared at Clone Pinkie Pie before she shrugged it off, figuring that the dumb mare was on yet another one of her drug stupors.

It was at this moment that Disgruntled Twilight saw Clone Rainbow Dash flying in the distance.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash, you dumb bitch! Pinkie's stoned again!" Disgruntled Twilight shouted.

"What!?!" Clone Rainbow Dash screamed as she stopped in her tracks. "We have to get our friend help, immediately!"

With that, Clone Rainbow Dash grabbed Clone Pinkie Pie and flew off into the distance.

Disgruntled Twilight just stared dumbfounded at the retreating figure of the pegasus before shaking her head at how her nimrod friends were acting on ten different levels of crazy today.

To Quills and Sofas,

Do ya'll happen to sell sinks? The one in our kitchen is missing.

Sincerely,
Granny Smith

"Girls. What Queen Chrysalis is doing is wrong. We have to put a stop to it. Follow my lead," Clone Twilight Sparkle explained.

"I'm down," Clone Applejack was the first to answer.

"Sure," Clone Pinkie Pie quipped.

"For the good of the ponies," Clone Rarity answered.

"Let's do this!" Clone Rainbow Dash proclaimed.

"Yay," Clone Fluttershy added in.

"How dare you! I created you! You think you can stop me?" Queen Chrysalis bellowed firing up an attack spell.

"Oh, yes, we can. As long as we have friendship in our hearts. The powers of Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Loyalty and Magic will aid us," Clone Twilight Sparkle shouted with all her heart, her eyes glowing white.

With that, the Clones used the very magic that created them to power the elements that blasted Queen Chrysalis to kingdom come.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Queen Chrysalis shouted as she blasted off again into the sky until she was just a twinkling star in the distance.

"Thank you for being my friends," Clone Twilight Sparkle said to her fellow clones with a tear in her eye as she and others disintegrated back into ordinary sticks.

"Are you fucking kidding me!?!" Disgruntled Twilight yelled, looking at the destroyed campsite. Her plans for sexy fun times during their friendship retreat ruined.

"This was... the worst... day... ever!" Pinkie Pie laughed over the destroyed campsite before collapsing from drug overdose.

Don't worry. She'll be fine. She's Pinkie Pie, after all.

"The only thing worse around here is Twilight," Applejack joked.

This led to a multitude of chuckles from the other ponies, much to the chagrin of Disgruntled Twilight.

Dear Chryssi,

You should have saved your revenge plans for the season finale. Now that evil pink filly will beat you to the punch.

And what's with that plan of yours, anyway? You pretty much did the same concept of making opposite versions of the Mane Six that I did six seasons ago.

Plus, you honestly expect me to believe that by gathering the elements, and with the snap of your hooves, all of creatures Equestria would turn to dust? News flash. Those magical macguffins don't work that way.

A stupid tree stopped your plans. A TREE! So what? Your next revenge plot will be to chop down the Tree of Harmony!?!

Now, don't give me that look you're giving me now. You've done this type on revenge plot before. Kidnapping the disaster trio and attempting to harness Twilight's magic using a macguffin comet.

In fact, you're a changeling! The possibilities of perfect planning are practically endless!

Why not impersonate Starlight and frame her as a complete asshole, making her lose everyone she cares about?

Or maybe you could disguise yourself as that Ocellus girl and ruin the school’s reputation that dear Starlight is part of.

Seriously, what happened to you?

Your fellow troublemaker,
Discord

"Then I said to the noble that technically he was so uptight that the stick up his plot reached all the way through his lying little nose," Mudbriar explained.

"That’s funny," Maud replied in monotone.

"The noble didn't think so and socked me in the muzzle," Mudbriar explained further.

"Ouch," Maud flinched, somehow without emotion.

"That was the reply I made, as well," Mudbriar clarified.

"And then the noble said... Hold on..." Mudbriar’s voice trailed off, looking downwards.

"What is it?" Maud asked.

Picking up the multi-coloured sticks, Mudbriar inspected them intently, "Interesting. These sticks seemed to be imbued with changeling magic."

"Cool," Maud replied.

"I'm keeping this," Mubriar finally said, picking up the stack of sticks and trotting off with Maud in tow.

Dear Canterlot Historical Society,

So, where the fuck is the entry on my School of Friendship?! You were supposed to post that entry weeks ago!

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

To Headmistress Twilight Sparkle,

What entry?

Signed,
Canterlot Historical Society

Author's Note

A Matter of Principals

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

If any of the students complain about what happened while you were gone, blame Discord. He's Vice Headmistress and supervised most of the events that transpired.

Happy to be the guidance counselor again,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Yeah, good job. You managed to turn an asshole into a ghost asshole. Where did that get you? Right, nowhere.

And as headmare, I'll blame whomever I damn well please.

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Discord,

Pranks aside, is it possible you could send Twilight on a friendship map quest to, we don't know... to her utter doom?

Sincerely,
Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow, and Rarity

Dear friends,

I might actually have stumbled upon something in another dimension. Twilight is our resident expert on magic, but I don't think even she would be able to solve the crisis of something called 'BioWare Magic'. I think it had something to do with an anthem or something. Who knows, all I know is she's not that musically gifted.

She'll be busy for years.

Or she'll go on a killing spree. One of the two.

Sincerely,
Discord

"This tastes awful!" Discord commented as he chewed onto the pages of the E.E.A rule book.

"This is absolutely trash!" Discord added.

"That's because you took that from the trash," Spike said in a deadpan voice.

"Well then, it's got to go!" With that Discord threw the rule book behind him, it created a mini explosion upon impact with the floor.

DA SKOOL RULES (E.E.A Approved)

The proper rules and requirements for any school to meet the standards of the E.E.A.

31) No class clowns are allowed in school and will be immediately sent back to the circus.

32) You'll never know.... because Discord ate it.

33) You'll never know.... because Discord ate it.

34) You'll never know.... because Discord ate it.

35) You'll never know.... because Discord ate it.

36) You'll never know.... because Discord ate it.

37) You'll never know.... because Discord ate it.

38) Lateness for class is instant detention. Just cuz you're saved by the bell doesn't mean you're safe from trouble. This isn't some 90's sitcom!

39) During Recess, there must be an elected playground king to oversea everypony in following the playground rules.

40) Any non-pony creature is to be transferred immediately to Monster High where these freaks of nature belong.

-Page 4-

Author's Note

The Hearth's Warming Club

Dear Diary,

Bah, humbug, to this bogus holiday!

How could a break from school turn into a Nightmare before Hearth's Warming!

It all started when I tried singing ~~an annoying~~ a traditional Hearth's Warming carol to ~~piss off~~ show my holiday cheer to everyone but nobody sang along. Wasn't everypony pumped up to sing the entire song last Hearth's Warming? Or was it because Professor Pinkie didn't bring her special eggnog this time?

Anyway, Headmistress Twilight and Professor Rainbow Dash were sending us off for the holidays. Being the only teachers left in the school, I'm guessing that later they're gonna do pony girl things together, singing about how life with magic is fantastic.

At least that would have happened, but somecreature apparently messed up the Hearth's Warming Tree. My friends and I are the only suspects and now we’re stuck doing clean up duty.

So, we nearly get killed by puckwudgies in the beginning of this darn school year, yet messing up a rotting tree is what gets us detention!?! What stupid logic is that?!

Hopefully this is the last time a tree causes me any problems...

I have my suspicions, however, that it's actually because my friends and I didn't kiss her highness’ cunt, with that mistletoe hanging off her tailbone. And now we're stuck cleaning up the female ejaculate she left all over the Hearth’s Warming Tree!

Seriously, why in Equestria would we kiss that? We have actual personalities unlike the rest of the student body. Also, couldn't Spike the Vacuum Cleaner do it, or is this the one time of the year that the Headmistress is nice to her lackey?

While cleaning up the cunt juice, the six of us decided to share each other’s holiday stories and traditions. Hearing them was pretty good. Good for a laugh I mean! Each and every one of their traditions was more ridiculous than the last one.

Let's start with Ocellus. Changeling traditions are absolutely bonkers. It sounded like something that dick Discord would cook up. An upside down tree? Swimming in punch?? Playing hot potato with presents!?! And building a fake fire while singing the most literal carol ever heard!!! You're joking, right? I get that changelings are all about change now, but come on! How do they mess up a list crafted by Headmistress Twilight herself! Unless, of course, they skipped the whole thing because said list only talked about the many ways to fuck before Hearth's Warming.

Yona was next talking about how yak traditions are about smashing shit. No surprise there. I do wonder why they consider it a one time holiday when every time is hammer time for them. Still no clue how their society is still standing if they keep smashing all their resources.

After that, I missed out on Smolder's dragon holiday tradition when I got called to the Bitch Lords' office. But from what I can gather, it's about whoever tells the best story that gives the largest middle claw to Professor Fluttershy. I suspect that the dragons are still salty about how the professor kicked out one their kind from their own home.

When it came my turn, I figure since that they all gave crappy stories about their traditions I'd also give one as well. I succeeded of course.

Then, it was the ditz's turn to tell her holiday story. As usual, she didn't make a lot of sense. The holiday is named the Three Days of Freedom Celebration. A holiday that extended from one to three days after the Storm King's defeat. Hold It! Extended to three days? That implies that the holiday used to be called One Day of Freedom Celebration before his defeat. What an ironic title...

Back on point though, the first day is spent under sea doing lots of "ing"s. Does that by chance involve deepthroat-ing, scissor-ing, and plenty of fuck-ing in that little orgy party?

The second is spent on Harmonizing Heights with sky-dancing and playing the song of storms. No wonder there's that purple storm circling around that damn mountain! Plus it it explains why they couldn't save the world with all those annoying monsters spawning from the storm.

Anyways, the third day is when Queen Novo finally pulls her head out of her ass and is actually generous and gives her subjects gifts. Well, except for Princess Skystar. She's still grounded. Overall, either Silverstream must've fallen on her head when she was born, or that's why the Hippogriffs fell to the Storm King.

By this point, we were fed up with cleaning this shit and the fact that one of us was lying their asses off so we settled with a shouting contest.

BECAUSE SHOUTING ALWAYS HELPS WITH SOLVING PROBLEMS!!!

Turned out that the foolhardy idea somehow worked as Gallus confessed that he was the one that sabotaged the tree. Then Gallus decided to also talked about his griffon holiday celebration since he didn't want to be left out on the holiday exposition express. And by far, the Blue Moon Festival is the most accurate comparison to Hearth's Warming these days.

Family members are ~~forced~~ obliged to meet up for the cold cold holidays. Eating up fattening food then complain about it. Giving worthless gifts that we don't actually want or need. And just barely not yelling at each other. Basically, the same shit we ponies do every year with barely any change because it's "tradition".

Whelp, he's getting lumps of coal for Hearth's Warming this year... Plus he's stuck with Headmistress Twilight for extra "friendship" lessons. Sucks to be him. See you later...

Ha! I'm kidding. The rest of us figured we stay together since every single winter holiday is almost always the same thing. It's not like there'll be any difference next year than this year.

Your grinch of a student,
Sandbar

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

Heard the star for your tree got destroyed. Can I be your replacement?

-Derpy

To Headmistress Twilight,

Why are our representatives being forced to stay in your pony school for the holidays? We demand a reasonable explanation for punishing them so severely. It had better not be because of a rookie prank occurring as that would be very extreme even for school standards.

Signed,
Dragon Lord Ember, King Thorax, Queen Novo, Prince Rutherford and Grampa Gruff

To all dragons,

Don't think that because I'm a nice dragon lord doesn't mean you all can be like Scales and steal my scepter.

By royal DEMAND,
Dragon Lord Ember

Dear Princess Ember,

Whoever said you were nice?

Sincerely,
All Dragons

Dear Gallus,

So according to your story, all griffons pretty much hate each other, and on the best of days, can barely stand each other?

So the friendship mission Pinkie and I went on last year was like, a total fucking waste of time?

Figures. That table doesn't know what the fuck it's talking about. No wonder Discord can screw with it so easily.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

Author's Note

Friendship University

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Star Swirl The Bearded,

You're out of limbo and you never thought of meeting up? Wasn't our friendship worth anything? So much for learning more about friendship.

Your very old friend,
Scorpan

Dear Rarity,

Quit trying to use my school as a means to expand your business.

You and I both know why you actually bought all those sewing machines for the students.

Honestly, you spent too much time with Flim and Flam in Friendship U.

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight

Dear Twilight,

If you can try to expand your harem, I can try to expand my business. Fuck off.

Sincerely,
Rarity
Head of Sweatshop 101

Dear Twilight and Rarity,

And yet we aren't allowed to expand our resort.

Hypocritical bitches.

-Headmasters Flim and Flam

Dear Flim and Flam,

Here's the perfect song to describe your so-called University.

At Friendship U, they teach to you

The many ways to get screwed

So you'd better scram

Before you get scammed

Stands at number two, full of shit

As it's run by two nitwits

See their class?

Full of ass

So learn it all in half the time

But be ready to lose your dimes

Even the school's title rings true

Cause in the end it'll F.U!!!

-Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Why do you even keep those postcards? I thought you hated his guts after he acted like a complete asshole to you.

Confused,
Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Cause his postcards show me places I can daydream I'm at rather than this Celestia-forsaken town.

Your headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Yakity-Sax

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Twilight and "Friends",

Keep mentioning my poor acting skills and you'll find a new home in the dungeons.

Signed,
Princess Celestia

Dear Pinkie,

If you're so down from not playing that shitty instrument. You could always blow my pipes.

Your headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I highly doubt your mood is because of no longer playing that dang thing. You're in rehab, aren't you?

Dear Pinkie,

Pop on a joy, ya downer. Or dam bobbies will be after you.

Your British Colt,
Pipsqueak

Dear Diary,

I just know I've heard Pinkie's yovidaphone music someplace. Can't quite put my hooves on it. Pretty sure it was in the basement of a mansion somewhere.

-Princess Luna

Dear Princess Twilight,

For Pinkie Pie Appreciation Day must we have sex with Pinkie, too, like in your appreciation day? Because I refuse to stick my muzzle in anything as crazy as her.

Signed,
Spoiled Rich

Dear Friends of Pink Pony,

So who picking up tab for Pink Pony's sundaes?

Sincerely,
Yak Sweets N Treats

Dear Pinkie Pie,

When it comes to the art of a musical instrument, there is a term I'd like to familiarize you with.

Woodshedding.

It means to go practice an instrument and hone your skills in private. In a woodshed.

Though in your case we might have to go with an underground bunker.

We'll talk to Rivet, see what he can do.

But again, that means in private. Not in the middle of town, not in an apple orchard, and not at a Wonderbolts race. In. Private.

Sincerely,
Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

All Work and no yovidaphone to play makes Pinkie a dull filly.

Author's Note

The Washouts (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Short Fuse,

Since Hasbro has the bright idea of match making my older sister with a carbon copy of herself. I'd figure I introduce you to my other angry sister! I even have the bestest Couple’s Cupcakes for it!

Your soon-to-be fellow friendly family member,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie,

First off, keep your drugged up cupcakes to yourself. Secondly, leave the shipping to me.

Signed,
Princess Cadance

Dear Scootaloo,

Of course eavesdropping isn't weird, I do it all the time when I'm watching couples having sex from outside the bedroom window.

Sincerely,
Princess Molestia

Element Bearer Rainbow Dash Truly Loyal?

Since the creation of the School of Friendship, in the town of Ponyville, plenty of controversy has surrounded it. From the expected sexual allegations from the resident slut princess, to Chancellor Neighsay's continued disapproval of the schools existence with his racist xenophobia; the Friendship School has come under fire from its beginning school daze leading ponies to speculate an eventual school raze in the near future.

However, all previous incidents don't hold a candle to the current accusations against one educator in the school; Professor Rainbow Dash, on how can she teach loyalty to her students when she exhibits none of said trait.

Interviewing students, they explained that Professor Rainbow Dash teaches nothing but lessons on awesomeness, with the Professor explaining that it is an aspect of loyalty which, to put it bluntly, is utter bullshit.

This has led some to believe that she is not deserving of the element bestowed to her by the Tree of Harmony. Which is further justified by the recent event of Rainbow Dash abandoning a surrogate sister to do dangerous stunts meant for professionals.

When interviewed, Professor Rainbow Dash denied such accusations, citing that the blame should be passed to Lightning Cunt, as Rainbow puts it, since she was the one to encourage Scootaloo to partake in that dangerous stunt. When our interviewer mentioned how Rainbow also had once allowed Scootaloo to partake in a reckless stunt she pulled during her debut as a Wonderbolt, Rainbow quickly dismissed it saying that at least she didn't involve her in the whole stunt itself, unlike Miss Lightning Dust.

Meanwhile, Scootaloo; Head of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club and also the newest friendship tutor to the School of Friendship, claims that the fault is all on her. Scootaloo proceeded to talk about how her parents weren't around so she tends to make such irresponsible decisions. When asked where her closest relatives are, she mentioned her Aunts Holiday and Lofty. Scootaloo explained further during the incident, they were too busy having "private sessions" with one another and let Scootaloo do her own thing with the Washouts. Said aunts weren't around to elaborate on that fact, however.

Regardless of who's to blame, this event has sparked off ponies to further question Professor Rainbow Dash's legitimacy as previous incidents have also come to light with the case stacked against her piling up high. For instance, allowing elderly mares to go on a roller coaster ride despite the Professor Applejack's wishes against it and endangering a couple of students for a Best Teacher Award against a fellow teacher doesn't exactly scream “loyal”, does it?

Unfortunately, Professor Applejack wasn't around to comment further on either incident.

But these recent discoveries, coupled with said incident, has shed some doubt on the Professor's credibility. Hence, this coming week, all evidence gathered will be put to court against Professor Rainbow Dash, the event of the court hearing being dubbed "Turnabout Storm 2: Electric Boogaloo."

In retaliation to this, Headmistress Twilight Sparkle has prepared a spell to once again special summon a spiky haired ape from the human world to defend Professor Rainbow Dash.

In other news, the Leader of The Washouts is now injured after a stunt gone wrong. Currently in a full body wing-and-hoof cast drinking through a straw!

Dear Scootaloo,

We regret to inform you that you've been kicked out of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club.

How dare you abandoned your honorary sister when she was just somepony watching over you

Sincerely,
Fellow Members of the Fan Club

Come Join the Scootaloo Fan Club!

Be Part of the Chicken Coop!

Join Now!

Author's Note

The last bit of how Lightning Dust got injured in the end was courtesy of SuperPinkBrony12 who made a similar joke in one of his stories; Quick Shot's Little Quick Shot, and that joke felt like the perfect little bow to tie up the news article.
-Mix

A Rockhoof and a Hard Place

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

To Yona,

Girl! We shall travel to the highest peaks of Equestria and forge new stories!

-Rockhoof

Yes sir.

-Yona

Dear Starlight,

Can't you just make another time travel spell to bring Rockhoof back to the past?

Your Headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Sorry. Those type of deus ex machina solutions are reserved for season finales only.

Your guidance counselor,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Rockhoof,

Ve need another veplacement for our staff, besides yourself, because you broke our stallion stud.

Signed,
Aloe und Lotus

Dear Vacuum Cleaner,

So, how's the fire breathing competition going with Smolder? I need a larger fire from you if I want to get myself a new and improved oven.

Your Headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rockhoof,

If you want to stay hard for a rather long time, I've got just what you need.

Please meet me in my quarters tonight.

Sincerely,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Bring Gallus. He doesn't have enough homework? I'll give him all the homework he can handle.

Author's Note

What Lies Beneath

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Diary,

Tests. The bane of any student's existence. Even more so if we fail. We'll be stuck with Headmistress Twilight for extra-curricular activities. Not wanting my friends to get screwed over in more ways than one, I suggested we have a study group session together... with varying degrees of success. My gal pal, Gallus, and tsundere, Smolder, had difficulty memorizing simple facts despite learning only eight seasons worth of information! Her highness, Silverstream, opted to study about plumbing in case a friendship degree wouldn't get her a job. And Yona was asleep the whole time. Maybe if Professor Rockhoof was here then, she'd be awake. Then, little missy, Cozy Blows, decides to mindfuck my friends about how friendship is not in their nature. Dude, they're not the Princess of Friendship, so piss off, you wannabe Diamond Tiara. And you can clearly find what my friends natures are if you look up a Ponydex. Gallus is Naughty, Ocellus is Timid, Smolder is Rash, Silverstream is Jolly and Yona is Naive.

Hours of not studying later, we somehow came across some sort of chamber of secrets through a vent. Thankfully, there wasn't any evil basilisk. I suspected that we stumbled across Headmistress Twilight's secret underground porn collection, because we saw the Headmistress all sparkly as though the Crystal Heart had just barfed on her, saying "Welcome," like the sexual predator she is. Our first option was obviously to split up in various directions away from her as none of us wanted to become the virgin sacrifice. But I presume that the Princess had somehow used her magic to create various trap rooms for each of us. She must've gained a lot of experience using dimensional magic when she went through all those multi-dimensional doors a while back...

Thankfully, Professors Rarity and Rainbow Dash came to the rescue and even offered me to be part of a friendship quest which seemed to be running around in circles for hours on end. Fed up, I called them out on their shenanigans, to which they started threatening me to choose between my friends or join them.

Hmmmm. Let me think. Choose between the friends who have stuck with me through and through since this school's creation, or be part of the dysfunctional friendship that is between our teachers and principal?

Yeah... no.

Soon after, I reunited with my friends and, apparently, they faced some trials, too.

Gallus was afraid of getting squished into canned chicken dinner. Ocellus seemed to forget that she's a shape shifter and may have accidentally turned into her worst fear in self defence. Silverstream had to face her fear of the Storm King by screaming at him to shoo be doo off back into tiny little broken statue pieces. Smolder surprisingly had the fear of admitting she liked the girly girly generation three crap. Finally, Yona got introduced to the Spiderverse.

In a surprising twist, it turned out that it was the Tree of Harmony that caused all this. Let's be honest, it is quite fitting that the Tree of Harmony chose Headmistress Twilight as her avatar since it was a complete dick to us the moment we met it. However, I'm relieved that it doesn't have Headmistress Twilight’s sexual urges, because there's no way I am fucking a tree! Well... maybe if it was Professor Fluttershy. She's the absolutely best teacher!

Well, after this little misadventure, my friends and I are definitely more fired up than ever! We'll ace the upcoming friendship test for sure! So long as we find the right places to hide our cheat sheets during the test.

Your friendship student,
Sandbar

To The Tree of Harmony,

I'm sorry I covered the Hearth’s Warming Tree in goop a while back! Please don't put me in cramped spaces again!

Your claustrophobic griffon,
Gallus

Dear Gallus,

I'd say you had better pass that test then.

Otherwise Headmare Twilight will undoubtedly introduce you to her cramped space.

Sincerely,
Treelight Sparkle

Dear Princess Smolder,

If you'd like to invite me to tea, I'd love to introduce you to my D afterward.

Sincerely,
Gallus

DA SKOOL RULES (E.E.A Approved)

The proper rules and requirements for any school to meet the standards of the E.E.A.

Anime Edition

41) For an all girl school, there must be, at a minimum, have one boy in it

42) The minimum grades for female students to enter are Grades C or D.... breast size

43) The recommended daily breakfast for students is buttered toast. Especially useful for a quick grab and go when late for school

44) Unicorns are required to go for training camp to help develop whatever quirk that they have manifested

45) There must at least be one day where students all get to go out and have a beach day

46) All teachers are required to wear skimpy attire

47) Students should be on the lookout from Yanderes or Tsunderes. Extremely violent. Do not approach.

48) Students with great magical or physical prowess are recommended to join the Inazuma Soccer Club.

49) Unicorns are required to be magically-bond to a weapon of choice and to become a true Death Scythe, one must acquire ninety-nine kishin eggs and an evil enchantress' soul.

50) Join the Doki Doki Literature Club͕̣͕̗͎͉! ̲̦͚͓̼͡T͏̫̮̦̫̬ḩ̪̺̪̘e̥͖̮̱̜̦̖ ̣͕̗͎F̼̠͉̠̗e͉̹̱̙̮̦͎s̨t͔̩͕̺̗̠͡i̮͈͈̙̣͈̠val͙̦̭̻̙̪ͅ'̯s͖̮̩̣ ͕̯̘̣͙͇͞j͝u̼͖͉̭̣̠̞͘s͔͈̪͔̼̜͙̀t͏͓̺ ͈d̞͇̭̟̜a̴͓̼y̷̫͕͓̮̹s̨̤̺͉̠̖ ̙͚͚͔͉͜a͇w͏a̶̤y̴̖!̭͍̻͙̻͉̗͝

-Page 5-

Author's Note

Sounds of Silence

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Flanks don't lie? You forgot about the time that Discord pretty much messed with the map and our fucking glowing flanks!

The mare of honesty,
Applejack

Dear Starlight,

Maybe you should've been the one to visit the peaks. You do have personal experience with problems of bottling up your anger and going to physical extremes to subdue anything.

Your friends,
Applejack and Fluttershy

To Applejack and Fluttershy,

Sorry, but Friendship quests are for two ponies at a time, with the exception of Spike, not one.

The Tree of Harmony,
Treelike Barkle

Dear Treelike Barkle,

Excuse me, but I'm standing right here.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Autumn Blaze,

You talk to inanimate objects, too!?

Signed,
Princess Skystar

Dear Fluttershy and Applejack,

The Kirins took a vow of silence? Does that mean that Kirin are very quiet during sex?

Fascinated,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Don't get any funny ideas. We Kirin love angry sex, and even when silenced, if you find yourself in bed with a Nirik, you'll find entirely new definitions of the word 'bottom'.

Sincerely,
Autumn Blaze

Dear Autumn Blaze,

So it was the decision of your village leader and some lake that led to you kirin’s vow of silence?

I figured it was going to be some sort of wibbily wobbly timey wimey...stuff with about how some prophecy in which when the question is answered, silence will fall.

Your friend,
Applejack

P.S. Also, let me introduce you to Sweetie Belle. She can help you with your pronunciation problem.

’Cause this show gave a good run, now we must end its reign,

Otherwise G5 won't get its due turn.

No season ten thereafter or it'll get a little plain.

It's a lesson that the viewers should learn.

No matter how bad the news was given,

The fandom will keep ponies livin'.

Sometimes good things come to an end!!!

Yes, sometimes good things come to an end!!

Author's Note

School Raze

Dear Princess Celestia,

I've been Headmistress of my school for a while now and it has been going great. It at least lasted longer than that dumb Friendship University that was approved by Chancellor Nodick. From what I've heard, the press has been constantly pestering him about how he allowed two con ponies to steal the bits of the ponies that he claims to look after. Ha!

Meanwhile, my school has been doing wonders without his EEA excrement! There's even this student named Cozy Glow that has been very helpful to me lately because she takes to heart the halfass friendship bullshit I've been teaching. I even considered replacing Vacuum Cleaner for her since he's been doing nothing but flaunting his wing boner at everyone now. I'm really proud of this overachieving student. I really saw myself in Cozy Glow.

That should've been the first warning sign.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to ponder that thought as Starlight and Rainbow came running in and screaming about how the students from the class trip, that Rainbow took over for me, nearly dropped from the sky. You see, this is why Rainbow will never get the best teacher of the month award. Give her something to do and she fucks it up. Don't believe me? Ask Granny Smith.

But that was not all, my horn decided to have erectile dysfunction when I tried levitating a book. Apparently, something was causing our magic to not work properly. Did we forget to pay the magic bill? While wondering what was the big deal, Vacuum Cleaner nearly choked on a letter. Guess he finally forgot how to be a fax machine. The letter, as it turned out, was a special summons by you to come to Canterlot. Gee, I wonder what it could be about. Later, you helped confirm my suspicions that we're all losing our magic. Great, that means I'm turning to an Earth Pony. What a downgrade. Guess the dark ages that that Elon Muzzle has been sprouting about to the press are finally coming true.

But what could be causing it?

I suspect an Earth Pony Revolution. Those damn Earth Ponies are so ungrateful to the racial segregation and demeaning we have done to them. They just don't appreciate the time we spent to undermine them specifically.

Too bad we couldn't solve all this immediately with the magic of friendship. It's kinda hard to fire up a friendship ballistic missile at the latest baddie without a magical source to draw from...

Then, we made the unanimous decision to go to hell and visit Tirek to get some answers. And hey, if I'm going to hell, might as well drag my friends along with me! Thus, I left Starlight in charge of the school once again. At least Discord won't be around to disrupt the school this time since everyone was losing their magic. As if she'll fuck up being in charge twice.

So, while we find the cause of this shitstorm, you and your sister had to find some alternative solutions. Well, here's some perfect suggestions. Firstly, we could use another alternate energy resource like coal or oil to replace our magic. There's plenty of it in the human world to steal from. I'd say it's a perfectly justifiable cause. It’s not like those humans are using it properly, anyway. Or perhaps we make a blood sacrifice to appease the Elders Gods by tossing somepony into a volcano? I vote Pinkie because, hey, even if it doesn't work, we'd be ridding the world of another annoying ass.

Anyway, Princess, what's the fastest way to Tartarus? Collect ten blocks of obsidian and a flint and steel to make a portal there? No!?! Just walking? Well, that sucks. Especially with the millions of annoying flies biting our asses. Luckily I had my tail to shoo them away. I even attempted a little bit of seductive tail swinging to hopefully allow me to get some tonight. No such luck, as usual. Rarity even said that she'd never use her tail in such a manner, citing that it'll make her look like a whore despite already being one.

We soon approach a high level security door which won't open even for those cardboard tasting discs from Pizza Hut. Seriously, what the fuck Pinkie!?! Is the intelligence of Earth Ponies another consequence of the disappearing magic?

Thankfully, Cozy packed for us an artifact that allowed us to open the gates of Tartarus, which unfortunately broke after a single use. That artifact must've been one of those dungeon keys that break after unlocking a damn door.

Entering Tartarus, I have to say, it was not what I expected. All these books, scrolls and scriptures in our history detailing what the afterlife is like. All utter crap. Wasn't there supposed to be seven circles of hell? Where the hell was that!?! Just one large cave full of caged magical beasts. There wasn't even anyone stopping us from entering. No magical scale that measures our heart with a feather of truth. No ferryman asking us to pay two bits to ride across a dumb river into the underworld. Apparently, religion really is overrated. Go figure.

Though, I have to say, those four eyed ravens perched all around muttering "Death Battle!" "Death Battle!" felt very ominous and filled me with so much dread.

Luckily, the three-headed bitch; Cerberus, showed up and brought us to the red faced dumbass. At least we avoided all those lava sticks and lava bubbles on the way to the big bad boss. Upon our encounter, Tirek started creepily chatting about how he wanted to consume our magic with fava beans and a nice chianti.

Hmmm… let me think… Anypony got a knife? There's a lava pit nearly and I'd like to conduct a thousand degree knife challenge on Tirek. Perfect payback for getting slammed through a mountain. That seemed to do the trick as the loudmouth revealed that Cozy Cunt was the cause of all this.

Oh, hell no! That little bitch, Cozy, is so gonna get it when I get back! I'm outta here...

FUCK! Who's the idiot that closed the door behind us? Urgh! Fuck me! There's is no way that I'm booking into the Hazbin Hotel for life!

Unfortunately, throwing Rainbow against the Doors of Tartarus proved ineffective. Therefore, I planned to perform a mass transmutation circle to steal the magic of all the monsters of Tartarus. I get that creature transmutation is strictly forbidden, but desperate times call for desperate measures. While preparing it, I left Tirek with the drug mare so that he becomes mentally scarred enough to help out. I find that it is the perfect torture method. I should know. Being stuck with Pinkie is worse than any Celestia damn punishment in Tartarus... Especially when she brought out the yovidaphone. Revenge never tasted so sweet. It'll be even sweeter once I murder that conniving filly. After crossing the streams, the spell worked! Thankfully, without me having to replace any limbs with metal ones afterward.

Upon escape, all magic in Equestria somehow returned and we teleported to the school to see that the little bitch got burned hard. And that now there are six students, perhaps they may become the new bearers of the Elements of Harmony.

OH, MY CELESTIA!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAAA! I MAY NO LONGER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!! THESE SIX WILL HAVE TO INSTEAD!?! HAHAHAHAHAAA! ENJOY ALL THE PAIN OF IT, SUCKAS!!! I'M FREEEEE!!!! FREE AT LAST!!!! HAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Alas, we send my now bitch ex-student to hell for her crimes. Apparently, that decision wasn't that well received with some dumb ponies claiming that the punishment is too severe. I disagree. Both Tirek and Cozy are both greedy, dishonest and have a knack for betraying others so I'm guessing that Tartarus is the punishment for such creatures. Any other type of evil doer gets banished for a thousand years, gets turned to stone or they get a very poorly planned out reformation that causes everyone to take a piss on the ex-villain.

Speaking of which, does Tartarus have room for two con ponies? They fit the requirements for such a punishment as I mentioned above.

Your fellow ruling princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Diary,

Ever since Headmistress Twilight came to town, our place has experienced turmoil after turmoil. I personally think that she's the cause of all of our despair. Today was no exception.

We were having a field trip to Cloudsdale, specifically, the weather factory. I thought it'd be safe since none of my friends were pegasi so they wouldn't get converted into rainbows. I was soon proven wrong as we all started falling from the sky.

This was not how I envisioned dropping out of school!

Thankfully, Smolder saved my hide. Betcha she has a crush on me for her to do that. Maybe I should confirm that with Ocellus later...

Now who was it again that sent us on that field trip? Oh, right... the Princess of Friendship... Thank you, Headmistress Twilight, for nearly sending us to our graves. We really feel the love here. My parents will be hearing about this.

Apparently, the Headmistress seemed to realize that and, therefore, she decided that she and our teachers should go out and "save" all of Equestria from losing magic forever, which I doubt I'll notice, since I'm an Earth Pony, while leaving Counsellor Starlight to deal with the backlash. Seriously, Headmistress Twilight trying to save us for the sake of heroics was as likely as her solving a rubix cube. Thankfully, Starlight realized that too and left Cozy Blows in charge. Smart gal.

As the new Headmistress in charge, Cozy Blows decided to bribe her way to popularity, which should've been rather concerning, but hey, free shit. The fuck do I care?

Well, that is until my friends and I saw Cozy mysteriously climbing out of the catacombs during our study club session. Well, time to solve this Scooby-Doo mystery. I suggested hiding under a box to eavesdrop, but my friends said that that was a ridiculous way of spying.

We soon discovered that Chancellor Dickwad was back and he's decided that he'll take charge now, explaining that Headmistress Twilight leaving the school unattended to save the world is a proper excuse to say that her Friendship School is under wrong management.

Glad to know the EEA got their priorities straight.

Then, we got caught red hoofed straight away. I knew we should've used a box! Thinking quickly, I pulled a double agent shtick and the white racist bought it. Nimrod.

First thing I did was call the Chaos Making Crusaders for help. Best case scenario: they help save the day. Worst case scenario: the school gets blown up in tree sap. We soon found out, however, that Cozy is a power hungry self entitled bitch all along. Who could have guessed? Oh, I know... everyone with a brain!

Part of me really wants to find Cozy’s mother right now and give her a bitchslap for giving birth to that dumb bitch! I betcha Cozy even went out the wrong hole when she was born which would explains why she is such a piece of shit!

Plus, I solely disagree with her that friendship equals power. First off, Friendship is Power doesn't really have a nice ring to it... Also, it's kinda hard to be the Empress of Friendship with powers beyond imagining when all magic will cease to exist by the end of all this. Plus she still has to deal with the current ruling two sisters. And the fact that we may be dealing with eternal day or night depending on which one gets stuck in the sky after the third day.

For such a well thought out plan, she sure is a surprisingly stupid sociopath. Betcha Cozy's only doing this to compensate for her small size.

Furthermore, how in Tartarus does the mare that bested the Headmistress in magic with some magical boogaloo time loop trap get trapped by a maniac filly just like that!?! How'd Cozy Blows even do it? Politely ask Starlight to stand in front of the transmutation circle before pushing her in!?!

Trying to get Counselor Starlight out, the spell decided to be touchy-feely with the CMC before I pulled them away. Getting my friends, we decided to take matters to our own hooves and save the day. I mean, six friends all coming together under the strangest of circumstances overcoming all odds to save all of Equestria from the latest big baddies? Sounds like it's the Students Six's turn to shine! As for the CMC, I bet they get locked up or something since the Tree of Harmony only needs six users, not nine. Plus they were the reason Cozy even ended up in the school sooo.... you snooze you lose!

First order of business, beating the shit out of Chancellor Racist. We soon found that the dumbass got tied up and screwed over by the pony hellbent on world domination. Wow... The irony of it all. A pony turned out to be the cause of all this instead of other species that Chancellor claimed were the cause. Ha! The karma that was bestowed upon this senile prick was as nature intended then.

Sadly, we didn't end up getting Yona to smash this dipshit to a pulp. Instead, we had to release him, trusting that this racist had a last minute moment of reformation such that he'll help even the lesser creatures for the benefit of saving Equestria. We must be really desperate for help if we're doing that, you guys!

Then, Ocellus expositioned to us that to return the magic, we had to remove the six artifacts which, in the process, may cause the school to explode. No more school? Bonus!!! Let's do this! Unfortunately, Cozy decided to steal another ex-villain’s idea for world domination by getting an entire mindless student body to stop us from saving the day. Luckily, the Tree of Harmony decided to troll Cozy instead us six this time. And thus, we returned magic to Equestria! Awesome!

Starlight then teleported us out before the school self destructed. Personally, I think it would've been more cool if she used some sort of super speed spell and swooped in with her super speed like in that one movie where Fili-Second runs into an entire school and saved an entire school full of teachers and students in less than a millisecond while an awesome song was played throughout. Oh well, at least Cozy got the bitchslap she deserved.

Ha! Anyone up for a bag of Crispy Cozy?

In the end, she was sentenced to Tartarus which I don't get what's the big fuss is about. Has anypony considered that she might have been executed instead? Anyone considered that? Personally, I think she should've been locked up with Headmistress Twilight in a bedroom full of kinky toys. Betcha she'll sing a different tune after that experience. In more ways than one.

As for the six of us, we didn't even get the chance to graduate after risking our lives. Oh, come on! Saving Equestria with Friendship should have counted for immediate graduation from the "School of Friendship"! At least give us one of those shitty brave medals that Counselor Starlight got!

Guess Headmistress Twilight had the last laugh on us. Bogus, if you ask me.

For now, I'm just marking my calendar for when the next big baddie shows up. I betcha there will be this one villain who will try to bring all the other villains together like some sort of League Of Super Evil Rebels or L.O.S.E.R for short.

Villains are pretty predictable.

Your not graduated yet friendship student,
Sandbar

Dear Princess Celestia,

Our country has been attacked by dozens of villains and most have been reformed. Yet you just throw a filly in TARTARUS!

Why!?!

Signed,
All the Damn Citizens of Equestria

To All the Damn Citizens of Equestria,

Easy. Cause there's only room for one maniacal manipulative mare.

Signed,
Princess Tyrantlestia

Dear Princesses,

Why couldn't we leave Twilight in Tartarus?

Confused,
Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike

To Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike,

Because even Tartarus can't contain that bitchy attitude of hers.

By Royal Proclamation,
The Royal Sisters

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, we couldn't help but notice from our time in Tartarus that it isn't exactly actively patrolled. How are those prisoners fed? How do you keep an eye on all the creatures down there?

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack

Dear Rainbow, Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and AJ,

Why would we do any of that? What, you think this nation has a sophisticated prison industry?

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, what if they try to escape?

Mane Five

To the Mane Five,

How would they do that?

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess,

Like, what if somecreature as powerful or more powerful than you opened a portal or winked them out or something? The country could literally go months without realizing that a couple of supervillains escaped.

Mane Five

Dear Mane Five,

Come on now. I don't really think there's much chance of that happening.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Author's Note

Alright, another season in the books. Hope our more slowly-paced release schedule wasn't too unbearable.

Mix has been working on all the specials that have dotted the past couple year or so. In addition to those, one more season to go.

We hope these chapters have made you groan, chuckle, and laugh, and we hope it stays that way until the very end.

Sincerely,
Miles and Mix

Best Gift Ever (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Twas a single day left before Hearth’s Warming Eve,

Most background and side ponies were preparing to leave,

‘Cause the Mane Six were stressing over preparations all throughout town.

Hence, everycreature was booking it, ‘cause shit’s about to go down.

The start of the second Christmas episode that season eight had,

Now listen to yet another earworm that Daniel Ingram created.

Hearth’s Warming Eve is almost here, season eight has two.

Isn't Nightmare Night before that? But where was it? No clue!

The blame is on those Hasbro brutes and Starlight's time meddling, too.

Why do they sell all these toys this year? Gen Four is almost through.

One moreshow to watchright here.

Ponies! Yay! Wait! Crap! Now! Take a seat!

One last prancebefore seasonnine premieres.

Another!?! Crap! Not! Again!

One more showto endseason eight.

One lastshow beforethe end awaits.

One special to watch right here.

One last prance’til the finalseason premier.

Hearth's Warming Eve is almost here.

Insist on incest affairs.

Friends and family fucking together,

Pies and Apples and a Pear

Together cloppin, lots to jerk,

There's so much to prepare.

With all the fucking we still have to do,

We got lots of lube to spare.

One more buck into the rear.

In! Out! Pow! Eject Load! Repeat!

One last chance before the coppers get here

Shit! Cops! Run! Again!

SugarMac sails whilst MarbleMac says goodnight

"One eye open, Sugar, when you sleep tonight,"

There's family making here,

One more fuck ‘til we met again next year!

Spread the fun for all generations!

('Cept for Cozy Glow,)

Shopping, cooking, decorations!

(She's in Tartarus)

It's not worth it in the end,

Spreading joy to all your friends,

‘Cause they will never, ever

Appreciate it in the end!

Urgh!

milesprower06 said:

The final season is getting close, we're not prepared, I fear.

Mix, what's the hold up, mate?

MixMassBasher said:

My bad, miles! My fault! Oh dear!

I've delayed for months and paid the price. We have to get in gear.

Oh no, how can we get everything done!

"Okay that's enough fourth wall breaking right here."

One more show to watch right here.

Ponies! Yay! Wait! Crap! Now! Take a seat!

One last prance before season nine premieres

Another!?! Crap! Not! Again!

One more show to end season eight

One last show before the end awaits

Please, oh, please make it really, really great!

One more special, not to worry, it'll be great!

Ponies! Yay! Wait! Crap! Now! Take a seat! Gotta concentrate!

Just one last special until next season awaits!

As the first song ends, Rainbow, Rarity and Fluttershy came out of it completely pissed,

For Twilight Sparkle had caught them in her fly paper Hearth’s Warming checklist.

The Princess needed some ponies for some relief after all the holiday preparations she'll do.

Her five friends sincerely hoped her holiday meltdown would end with her dead when this was all through.

It was then that AJ put forth an idea she had under her cow pony hat.

The Hearth’s Warming Helper; where one pony gives only one gift to one brat.

A way to have lesser hassle when giving friends gifts,

When obviously it’s ‘cause that dirtpony was running out of bits.

Pinkie objected to it, but nopony cared for that drugged up mare.

As lots were drawn, the gift finding began, with lots of time to spare.

However, Spike was unsatisfied with not getting the mare he desired,

So he bargained with AJ, who said trading with her Helper was required.

Going to his mistress, Spike started his search for who was Rarity's Hearth’s Warming Helper.

To which, Twilight shouted very loudly, "Fuck off!" and Twilight's quite the yeller

But before leaving, Spike planted an idea in Twilight's dirty minded head,

If the gifts she gave was good enough, Pinkie might end up in her little princess bed.

Meanwhile, Pinkie had no clue what to give Twilight

Without ending up fucking the princess all night.

As Pinkie debated with her fellow sisters on what to do,

Her sister, Limestone, just said, "Pinkie, you're screwed."

It was then that Pinkie thought up the perfect plan.

She packed her bags and moved to Yakyakistan.

Knocking over Spike, to whom she yelled, "I don't have Rarity!"

Dusting himself off, Spike muttered some vulgarities.

Just as Rarity passes by, who said she had AJ's card,

Getting the farmpony a gift seemed not that hard.

So Rarity was off to get Applejack a western styled fashion hat,

While Spike nearly revealed his cunning plan so he had to scat.

Over yonder, Rainbow tries to fool Fluttershy into revealing what she wishes to get.

Getting the best gift for her best friend, Rainbow Dash was dead set.

How has that mare not caught on what Rainbow's doing!?! That pegasus is dense.

Then Fluttershy declared, "She really likes everything!" which made no sense.

Fed up, Rainbow flew up and just left and I don't blame her.

Well, at least Spike found out that Rarity's helper was the animal tamer.

A one, two... switcheroo, and with that, Spike was gone.

Fluttershy just stood there confused on what was going on.

AJ then came to the scene, asking for help on what to get Spike...

That wouldn't cause yet another Spikezilla problem. Yikes!

Rainbow decided to give her friend a dumb candle as she didn't want to be a risk taker,

But her gift transformed into Discord; the chaos causing trouble maker.

It was then Discord said, "You insulted my friend a few lines back, you prick!"

With a mighty four-wall breaking kick.... "OWWW! DUDE! You kicked my dick!"

Discord merely smirked, "Serves you right you dumb writer." And he snapped away in a flash.

"Urgh... just get back in your Lumière getup and annoy Rainbow Dash!"

Discord criticized Rainbow on how little she knows about her friend with a cheeky grin.

Whelp. A fight between FlutterCord and FlutterDash shippers is about to begin...

Okay... moving along... Spike is fawning over finding a gift fit for the mare he likes,

But he realized he had no idea on what to give. Oh, yikes!

At Rainbow Falls, Fluttershy and AJ planned to gift shop on the go,

But Fluttershy was interrupted by an advertisement from Hasbro.

Buy now, one and all, only for an extortion of all you bits.

Once again the Flim Flam brothers were up to their old tricks.

In Yakyakistan, the ANGRY YAK PRINCE gave Pinkie aid against his own pride,

By sending her away on a quest to freeze to death beyond the mountainside.

And so Pinkie bade her yak friend goodbye,

But not before meeting with Yona to say hi.

The scene then changed on cue,

To an annoyed Rarity in a queue.

But to her dismay, her present was sent elsewhere.

Okay, seriously. How is Muffins still a mailmare?

So off Rarity went to Sweet Acorn Orchard in discontent.

While in Ponyville, Spike has a shopping predicament.

He needed to get a great gift that's fashionable and prim,

That'll guarantee in the end that she'll go to bed with him.

Flying over Spike, Discord was messing with Rainbow much to her annoyance,

To the point that if Discord drop dead right then, Dashie would be joyous.

It was then that Discord decided to take it up a level,

By conning Rainbow into getting a horrible gift. That sly devil.

"Your narrating is rather amateurish. How about I narrate from the start?"

"Dammit, Discord! Quit it! You're tearing this letter apart!"

In the Friendship Castle, Twilight was writing many charts hoping that any idea might ignite,

It was then she realised what to give, making a face that'll haunt my dreams tonight.

She had finally thought up the perfect present for her prey,

A Pre-Equestria pudding for Pinkie which will lead to some fun food play.

A legendary pudding that taste phenomenal as shown in this latest MLP lore.

Hey that kinda sounds like the Fourth Flavour from Codename: Kids Next Door.

At Rainbow Falls, AJ debates getting Spike a non-enchanted comic or two dumb sticks,

It was getting pretty obvious that that farmpony bitch was running out of bits.

Fluttershy came in, introducing the Hearth’s Warming doll, Holly.

A doll so bland that it made AJ less than jolly.

It was then that AJ's bullshit detector started running,

Leading them to the two grinches who were oh, so cunning.

At Sweet Acorn Orchard, Rarity had arrived,

To a place so barren, Rarity wondered how anypony could survive.

It looked almost as desolate as Fallout ‘76.

At least til Rarity met two Vault Dwellers... I mean two hicks!

They were grateful to Rarity for her generous heart

For this surprise gift to their son, who found it a work of art.

Pistachio insisted for Rarity to stay for lunch with much determination.

He must be one of the few that actually gave the Friendship Journal much appreciation.

"Four hours straight!" Twilight angrily yells,

For her to find the missing recipe, which was under magical spells.

It required the precision and care of an expert cooking master.

It was easy to see that this would be a recipe for disaster.

It was then that Twilight’s thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock on the door

Twilight grumbled, "If it’s those Hearth’s Warming carolers again, I'm getting the C4."

Turns out the visitors at Twilight's castle was not whom she had suspected.

The slut, the crybaby, and the demon spawn were here. Earlier than expected.

Shining smirked mocking Twilight's frazzled mane and lack of preparations.

Twilight gave him an evil look that would send him straight to damnation.

Elsewhere, Pinkie trotted through chilling winds and snow,

Until she managed to successfully find the Gift Givers Grove.

Pinkie was greeted by an annoyed old deer that snatched her inside

Into a cottage so hot, it warmed up Pinkie's frost-bitten backside.

The trio of reindeer introduced as Aurora, Bori and Alice

Recommend to Pinkie not to give Twilight a gift wrapped phallus

With that they wrapped the best gift ever tied together with a riddle

A deus ex machina device that'll aid the ponies later out of a little pickle.

Pinkie, despite her fourth-wall breaking abilities, didn't realize the importance of what she'd got.

Due to the Gift Givers having drugged her with plates of cookies baked with some pot.

Back at the falls, AJ called out on the shenanigans of those two hacks

So the Flim Flam brothers revealed their plans for a resort expansion pack

Then they continued conning Fluttershy like a bunch of business tycoons

While an annoyed AJ wonders if the skip ad button would arrive soon

Pushed aside, AJ plotted on how to punish those no good slackers.

I'm surprised Fluttershy didn't send Discord on them, he's a great nutcracker.

In a forest, Dashie and Discord, dressed as assassins the lands they had combed

With their eagle vision to spot the trail of where the fantastic beast roamed.

Swiftly, Dashie caught the Winterchilla by flying up ahead,

And feeding it a razz berry and curve-balling an ultra ball on its head.

In his room, Spike made a gift himself ‘cause the shopping choices weren't cheap,

But failure after failure of crappy arts and crafts, he soon fell to a glittery sleep.

At the Falls, AJ and Fluttershy went through with the farmpony's idea

By ruining the brother's business with acting worse than Celestia.

Too bad AJ didn't realize that her plan had one little hitch,

That dumb mare had spent the last of her bits.

At the acorn farm, Rarity prepared herself to leave

Only for Pistachio to realize this gift wasn't for him to receive.

Touched, Rarity allowed him to keep it. His good nature making her blush.

Elsewhere, a sleeping Spike sensed somepony flirting with his crush.

AJ and Fluttershy rode the train back, lamenting their lack of presents,

‘Cause there's no way they're giving Holly away. It'll make them seem like cheap peasants.

Twilight was busy cooking in the kitchen while Shining and Cadance could not help but worry

Of what a neglectful aunt Twilight was becoming to her niece Flurry

In response, Twilight explained to the couple that Twily-nanas she had not become

With the use of charts, diagrams, figures, graphs, lists and then some

But behind the scenes, putting the finishing touches of Twilight's gift making,

Was Princess Flurry Heart, helping herself to the holiday baking.

Dash and Discord arrive to the castle just as it was getting late.

In fact, Rainbow even invited Discord to join and celebrate.

Unfortunately, Rainbow didn't recall an old friendship lesson involving parasprites a while back,

That any cute and harmless looking creature may be a dangerous beast and that's a fact.

Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie and Spike all met up outside the castle.

Opening the doors, they found themselves in a Hearth’s Warming hassle.

A large mess of Hearth’s Warming pudding had exploded all over the castle floor.

I guess while Flurry was cooking, she must have added in a couple of Twilight's C4.

Things couldn't get any worse, the ponies may not get out of this bind.

That was when Discord and Rainbow ran in, with a Winterzilla chasing behind.

Caught between the Winterzilla and pudding, Twilight was livid

At her nimrod niece's cooking and Rainbow being so insipid.

‘Cause a Winterchilla becomes a Winterzilla after dark, you see.

"Does everypony knows this except me!"

So Twilight immediately used Vacuum Cleaner as bait

While Discord sat back and watch the beast continuing to decimate.

Simultaneously, the royal family fended off the possessed pudding, actually being useful for once

"Wait ‘til the season nine premiere. They become a complete dunce."

Fed up, Discord pointed out that they had an ace up their sleeve,

That Fluttershy could tame the beast and make it leave.

But Fluttershy decided to let the creature stay,

Since that'll annoy Twilight for the rest of the day,

And so, one problem was resolved and only the pudding remains.

Which Pinkie put a stop to with gingerbread and four candy canes.

With the turmoil ended and the day saved,

Everyone decided to enjoy the rest of the holiday.

And as Spike brings out a homemade guitar and begins to sing,

The final song for this holiday special begins

I wanted to get you

Something oh, so rare,

A gift to show I care,

But shop sales are unfair.

In truth it's easy to see

That slaves aren't paid, I earn jack squat.

Really, I had no shot.

So, it was all for naught.

But now it's clear to me.

I should've gone shoplifting,

Should've done that instead.

I don't need to care,

They'll blame Twilight instead.

I should've gone shoplifting,

Then that bitch would pay.

But since I didn't go shoplifting,

I ruined Rarity's holiday.

The most annoying shit

That I can recall,

Was befriending these five oddballs.

And moving here was my downfall.

I just want to get some, you see,

But even my friends for sex I can't depend.

‘Cause in the end,

They don't want STD’s.

Not even for a one night fling.

They won't fuck my hide.

Won't relieve this mare,

Spreading out my needy backside.

Not even for a one night fling.

They only just flee.

So they're the worst there is at givin' it.

Denying all the sex deserved to me.

We've all been friends forever,

So how have we not fallen apart? (Yeah what the fuck!?!)

The true lesson don't you know

Is to plan gifts months in advance. (months in advance)

The greatest gift was given by me in the end, don't you know.

Ha-ha-ha-ha

Your "greatest gift" was given to you by the deers this episode.

A Hearth’s Warming Helper we all set up,

But even finding one gift we all fucked up.

Next time you stick to gift cards,

They're totally free.

‘Cause you're the worst there is at giftin' shit

With the bullshit that you gave to me.

Dear Hasbro,

Just a suggestion for Gen Five. Show Hearth’s Warming episodes when it’s actually the holiday or you'll end up making two Hearth’s Warming episodes for one season.

-Pinkie Pie

Author's Note

Interseason Shorts

Rarity's Biggest Fan

To the Spa Ponies,

Why won’t you ever give me a happy ending after my spa session!? Those hooves could do wonders for me!

Aroused,
Twilight Sparkle

To Princess Tvilight,

Because Princess Celestia say ve are not allowed to.

Plus, in Soviet Eqvestria, ve don’t give happy ending. You give us happy ending. Pay up.

Signed,
Aloe and Lotus

Dear Rarity,

Great idea for using Vacuum Cleaner as a fan. I wonder what other household appliance I could use him for.

Signed,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rarity,

Thanks a lot.

Signed,
Spike

Dear Spike,

I thought you'd see it as an improvement.

I mean really, what would you rather be? My mobile fan for ten bits an hour, or Twilight's sex toy for diddly fucking squat?

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Touche.

So, same time tomorrow?

I'll have the buffest wings in Ponyville.

Sincerely,
Spike

Ail-icorn

Dear Diary,

My dumbass mistress was sick. Sadly, not to the point of killing her. Lacing the soup with cyanide didn’t work, either.

And even in sickness, that fucking mare causes nothing but trouble. Rarity ended up with a roller blade accessory which would’ve been the best possible hoofjob for me. Then, Fluttershy got turned into a cold turkey instead of Pinkie. AJ also ended up sprinkled with magic pixie dust causing her to be a silly pony flying into places, bumping into walls and knocking down pillars. At least Twilight got that ego centered pegasus to shut up by making speak in sound effects only. Then Pinkie comes in and drugs up Twilight with vial of exotic substances from Zecora turning that bitchy mare to a bitchy baby.

Sadly, nopony wanted to take care of the little runt. Not even Pinkie, and heck, she's supposed to be good at looking after babies now!

Hence, I was left holding the baby. Fuck.

-Spike

Dear Spike,

Look on the bright side. Now you can raise that little shitter to be less of a shit when she grows up.

Your reluctant friend,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

I wouldn't count on that. The final season trailer already showed that she got back to normal.

Your disappointed friend,
Pinkie

To Twilight Sparkle,

Slam!
Clunk!
Ring!
Eek!
Whoop!

Yap!
Oink!
Urgh!

Thud!
Woof!
Ick!
La!
Ick!
Growl!
Honk!
Tweet!

-Rainbow Dash

Dear Spike,

Maybe Twilight is right about you. You are useless.

Like, you couldn't even kill a baby. Not even when she was the perfect size for the trash compacter in the kitchen.

Sincerely,
Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy

P.S.
Seriously, you couldn't have dropped her off the balcony or something?

Teacher of the Month

Dear AJ and Rainbow,

Get Good.

The Best Teacher of the Months,
Fluttershy

Starlight the Hypnotist

Dear Shining Armor,

So much for being B.B.B.F.Fs. You traumatised your own little sister. It’s no wonder she’s such a mentally unstable mare, now! It’s a good thing she didn’t go down the path I did. Otherwise, we’ll be dealing with Twilight Sparkle the Miraculous Ladybug Killer.

Signed,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Yeah… That’s why I made that old chant with Twilight. To help her cope.

-Princess Cadance

Dear Pinkie,

Dammit Pinkie! I was attempting to hypnotize Twilight to be a nicer pony. Now she just yells at ladybug kites!

Your friend,
Starlight

Dear Starlight,

I still think it's an improvement. She's not yelling at everypony now so I’d say it's a start.

On that note, if you could hypnotize her to do something different when she's thinking about ladybugs, why can't you tell her to do something different when she's horny?

Your friend,
Pinkie

Dear Pinkie,

Because I'm a amateur hypnotist, not a miracle worker.

Sincerely,
Starlight

Sundae, Sundae, Sundae

Step right up everypony!

Colts and fillies, mares and stallion, one and all

Come and see the amazing Ice Cream Soup Museum!

Get a taste before the different flavors mix together!

Get it while it lasts!

Dear Pinkie,

You should have gotten a fridge to keep all that ice cream cool. Or was it missing because your refrigerator was running?

Your friend,
Discord

Author's Note

Forgotten Friendship

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm so glad we finally buried the hatchet with each other. Too bad we couldn't bury Twilight while we were at it. We were kinda unsuccessful in giving Twilight a heart attack from seeing your secret book stash. Perhaps next time, and I do hope we can stay in touch from here on out unless that Magic Messaging Net Neutrality bullcrap has happened in Equestria, too.

Well, anyway, let me give you the full lowdown of everything that occurred.

It all started when I became the President of the Yearbook Committee for the school. Surprising, since the last time I took part in photography, I used it as a means to overrun the school. Then again, the only other applicant for it was Diamond Tiara and we don't want a Gabby Gums Incident on this side of the mirror. The one gripe I had, though, for the yearbook was these annoying best achievements categories that would definitely piss off anyone when they aren't the one in the number one spot. Case in point: Trixie, who barges in demanding an explanation as to why she was voted "Most Egotistical" instead of the "Most Great and Powerfulest". I'm surprised she wasn't satisfied with her current award, to be honest. She beat Rainbow for that, for crying out loud! Hey maybe she could go for "Biggest Meany", for that trap door stunt she pulled on us a while back, especially since no one else had had that accomplishment since me. Also, I didn't understand why Twilight (the one here, not the bitchy princess you're stuck with) was jealous of Microchips for being most likely to lend a hand in another nuclear disaster. I mean, you should see that toaster bot he made. It'll turn evil and cause destruction someday, I swear to Celesti— Nevermind. Moving on...

So, my friends and I decided to go to the beach dressed in skimpy swimsuits for a group pic for the yearbook. You know, like those pandering beach episodes in many anime. Though, I doubt heads will turn at Rainbow in her swimsuit get up. We all may have markedly shaped hips but that doesn't change the fact that Rainbow has bug-bite sized tits.

Oh, and I almost forgot! There was also this student named Wallflower Blush who'd get along well with AJ for being left in the background all the time. And get this, she apparently was part of the yearbook committee the whole time and no one noticed. And fittingly, I'll just address this worthless cunt as Background Character from here on out. You'll understand why later.

At the beach, I arrive to have my own friends shun me for still being a bully.

Well, shit. What did Equestrian Magic do this time?

Using my mindfucking infinity stone, I discovered that all the good deeds I've ever done with my friends were erased. Like they never happened. So now, everyone still hates me again. Great. It's Anon-A-Miss shit all over again.

And hang on, shouldn't they question why they have gaps in their memory of the pony that help bitchslapped those sirens, reformed Midnight Sparkle, weeded out that Poison Ivy reject and... Oh right... they're teenagers. They probably think these memory gaps were caused by whatever substance Pinkie had introduced to them prior.

So, in response to this circumstance, I did what I always do and bitched about it to Princess Twilight. She replied back surprisingly quickly and wanted to help. In reality, she actually wanted to know what caused this so she could use it on her friends, allowing her to forced herself on them without her friends remembering who she was. I think you probably need to keep that bitch on a tighter leash. Or spay her. Either way works. Then, we came to Canterlot to meet you for some help because that purple bitch didn't know jackshit.

So yeah... I'm back... Please don't send me to the moon...

Also, speaking of moons, what's up with Vice Principa— I mean Princess Luna's outdated speech? If you need any help in getting your sister up to date, I could always introduce her to the video games that her human counterpart is obsessed with. Sadly, our reunion was short-lived because we needed to go to the Canterlot Library for... Ugh! Research. You know, I already do enough of that back in CHS, thank you very much. But I must admit that you did a nice job trolling Princess Twilight about the restricted session in the library. I think she had an orgasm thinking she'd stumbled across your porn stash. Silly mare. We both know you keep it in that large vault where you had kept the elements of harmony.

Moving on, we found out that the memory stone may have been what erased the memories of my friends. And guess what? It wasn't stupid Starswirl that send the stone to the human world, this time. Surprising, I know. It was actually his pupil that conniving Clover the Clever's fault.

One might wonder who had the stone, and well... I've got a leading theory about the workings of Equestrian magic in the human world. Equestrian magic basically targets young women. It grabs them, gives them a non-consensual makeover and then leaves the victim fucked up in the end. Class A rapist, when you think about it.

Therefore, I had a leading suspect: Trixie! She has a reason to hate me and her pony counterpart did get the Alicorn Amulet. I wouldn't be surprised if she had another trick up her sleeves. A memory stone to be exact. And as a precaution, I even got some black shades. I've heard they're very useful in blocking out mindwipes for some weird reason.

I eventually confronted Trixie, but she didn't know what I was talking about. Either that or she's dumb enough to accidentally use the stone on herself. Though, I suspect the former more than the latter. And get this... She was willing to help, by blackmailing me. No surprise there. But I guess I can trust her. Starlight had gotten along well with her pony counterpart. So Trixie here is sure to not cause trouble for me in this endeavor right.... Right!?! Yeah... no. She's even worse as a detective than a magician. Eventually, though, we found out it was Background Character that did it. And it was because she wanted to prove that I hadn't changed at all.

Well then, someone has been inhaling too much fertilizer, because her actions are rather flawed.

How does erasing everyone's memory of me being good prove I'm still bad, if they will only be in the mindset of when I was still a bully? It only proves that I was a bully! And the very fact that she was able to erase any present GOOD memories at all already proved that I was no longer a bad person.

And if Background Character wanted to blame someone for being the same bitch as before, Princess Twilight is the perfect candidate. Even after her wings got stapled to her back, she's still a disgruntled whore.

And speaking of wings, where are mine!?!

No. No. No. No. I'm not turning evil again, Celestia. Hold the mooning... You see, there was this one time when I was on the school rooftop singing about how my past is not today, I grew these giant awesome flaming wings. Yet ever since the incident in Camp Everfree, whenever I pony up I no longer grow wings. What's up with that!?!

Rant aside though, Background Character started singing some nonsense which was the perfect time to steal the memory stone from her. But if you recall what happened when Princess Twilight tried stealing the Pearl of Transformation during a song montage, you know how well my plan worked out. And unfortunately my mind gem does jackshit against a fucking memory stone. Thankfully, old bullying habits die hard as I recorded the whole thing in case I forgot. And by bringing Trixie along, she somehow teleported me out of the locked room but she was somehow still locked inside. Don't ask me how. I still don't get it.

Then there was a final confrontation. A sacrifice was made. Transformation sequence. Some mantra about friendship and finally a friendship orbital laser cannon for the win!

It was rather disappointing that the memory stone broke in the process. If I had it, I'd use it to wipe Princess Twilight’s memory of ever being a self entitled bitch. Thus, the whole of Equestria would be cheering me on for generations after the fact! Another disappointment was that the explosion didn't leave Background Character in a permanent vegetative state. Oh well, I have other ways to bring payback. Make me forget I had hands will she... Well I know many ways to make a Wallflower blush with my magic little fingers... And as punishment for forgetting me, treating me like crap, and finally a personal payback for all the "No offences" they've said to me, I've taken the liberty of putting the page of our group photo right next to the page for "Best Muscles".

Oh, and you know the biggest irony of all this is that Background Character will still be left forgotten in the end. Same as Principal Cinch, Gloriosa Daisy and Juniper Montage and so on. Meanwhile, I'll still the most loved EQG character.

Suck on that Wallflower.

See you the next time I complain about the next Equestrian magic incident.

Your faithful first and forever favourable friendship student,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Wallflower,

Now that we're cool and everything, it is absolutely imperative that we keep this Memory Stone away from Princess Twilight. She's committing enough sexual misdemeanors over in Equestria without being able to erase memories of it.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Wallflower Blush

Look, Sunset kinda has a point, but we could still use that Memory Stone. If you could help us forget everything Princess Twilight has put us through, we would be considerably indebted to you.

Sincerely,
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Spike, of Equestria

Author's Note

The Beginning of the End

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Princesses Celestia and Luna,

It's official. The beginning of the end is upon us.

We were lucky, twice in fact, that Twilight held the magical power of all the alicorns... and she never ended up using it to take over Equestria. And now you just up and give Twilight the fucking throne!

Have you two gone senile from the past thousand years!?!

Just because Equestria is enjoying its longest period of harmony in recent years you both decide to up and retire?!?

If this is the longest period of "harmony" we had thus far, we pity our ancestors from the third generation!

Also, why is Luna retiring as well!?! She spent most of her rule with her ass buried in the moon for a thousand years!

We demand an explanation!!!

Shocked,
The Mane Five and Spike

To The Mane Five and Spike,

There is no need for an explanation.

I control the fucking sun. I dammit! I can choose when I want to retire and damn the consequences!

Plus, this is also the perfect final bitch slap to Twilight. She had many chances to usurp the throne, but botched it in the end. The only way she could've even gotten the chance to achieve my level of power was only when I decided to give it to her. She still had to wait for my say-so so she could rank up in royalty.

How's that for a mindfuck?

Now, if you'll excuse me, my sister and I are planning our grand vacation.

Your retired princess,
Princess Celestia

P.S. When we said 'longest period of harmony', we of course meant like, the past four days.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Looking at a future episode... I have doubts that you'll enjoy most of your vacation.

Your fed up fourth wall breaker,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Ex-Princesses Celestia and Luna,

My first day as dictator of Equestria and already my empire was falling apart.

King Sombra somehow escaped the aether and is now wreaking havoc. Guess he didn't get the memo about the circle of life. He should've come back, I don't know, a thousand years later!?!

Though, it's kind of hard to take King Sombra's return and takeover seriously with that dumb new voice he has now. He should've stuck to saying crystals repeatedly.

Whelp, time to save the Crystal Meth Empire... for the third time.

It was rather easy, though. All we had to do to overcome our fear and defeat him was to yell clown at him over and over as, stupid as it sounds. And so, we won... that is, until King Sombra decided to take up gardening and weed the Tree of Harmony.

I'll be honest. I'm not that surprised that those magical macguffins broke so easily. They did come from those old farts from the past, so of course they are weak and frail. They couldn't even kill off Groundskeeper Sombra, earlier!

Then, Groundskeeper Sombra starts gloating how we're now defenseless, hence he decided to let us live! Obviously, that dumbass eventually got his shadowy ass bitten later on.

In the meantime, however, Groundskeeper Sombra decided to invade Ponyville. A fitting downgrade. At least he's got enough sense to conquer a place that doesn't freeze his ass off. Plus the citizens are all idiots here, so mind controlling the populace is a cinch.

Not that I had time to complain when the Everfree decided to invade again. Or maybe it was Groundskeeper Sombra's fault. I don't know. Either way we needed to cause some deforestation. And it's actually justifiable for once!

Then you two and Starswirl came in to help. Fitting, since you old hags tend to like gardening a lot. Also, did the Hippogriff nation refused to aid us again? Typical.

Reaching Canterlot, we were surrounded by the mind-fucked citizens of Equestria. I sadly couldn't hurt any of them without it ending with a future lawsuit. An instant teleport later, we were greeted by Discord who wanted to help us. Discord helping... He's not gonna betray us and side with Groundskeeper Sombra is he? Well, if he does I'm activating that nuclear explosive I planted in that dumb bravery medal he received a while back.

If I can't get the throne... Nopony can.

Entering the throne room, we saw Groundskeeper Sombra had redecorated the place. Frankly, I didn't like it.

Subsequently, there was a climactic battle. Something about friendship. Blah, blah, blah. Been there, done that. And finally, Groundskeeper Sombra got sent back into the aether. Maybe next time he returns, he should get a job at Seven Eleven instead.

Too bad that Discord didn't finally decide to be useful to society and actually axe himself off. He faked it so we'll have the courage to save the day.

In reality, I thought we quickly struck down Groundskeeper Sombra right then and there since he must've expended all his magic just to injure that annoying dipshit.

And so the day is saved and the Era of Twilight begins!!! May Twilight fall upon Equestria!!!

But then you, the princess of trolling, decided I'm not ready to rule Equestria, yet.

Oh, you conniving cunt.

Your not overlord of Equestria yet,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sister,

I'm taking Cerberus to the vet to get fixed. Letting the prisoners of Tartarus escape a second time is the final straw.

Pissed,
Luna

Dear Sweetie Belle,

So can we make Twilighting a legit word just like the word adorkable?

Curious,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Father of All Monsters,

You owe us all one thousand years worth of bits for child support you asshole.

Signed,
The many mothers of all monsters

Dear Grogar,

Well you're fucked.

Your unpaid minions,
Cozy Glow, Queen Chrysalis and Tirek

Dear Grogar,

Might we offer some assistance?

Your potential villainous benefactor,
Black Hat Organisation

Dear Teachers and Headmistress,

We had this weird dream where Treelight Barkle came to us for aid. What happened?

Your confused pupils,
The Student Six

Dear Princess Luna,

Are you sure it's entirely fair that you're retiring at the same time as your sister? If we're doing the math right, she's done like, a millennium's worth more work than you. You think we've forgotten that you spent one thousand years sulking on the moon? Either you keep working, or her retirement package is going to be a lot better than yours.

We're not necessarily saying for another millennium. Maybe just until we die. Sound good? We'd rather have you watching over our dreams than Twilight.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity

P.S. We don't know if you've noticed, but, well, Canterlot's royal guards kinda fucking suck. What's the training regimen? Be white or gray and get a uniform?

Author's Note

Uprooted

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Diary,

Yona's friends ideas for how tree be remembered all great, which makes Yona idea feel pretty stupid.

Yona thought we could go through the quantum realm and travel to past and borrow each element of harmony from across different time periods in some sorta scavenger hunt to save Tree of Harmony.

Probably bad idea anyway.

Though Yona find that Yona's friends got hit with dum dum stick. ‘Cause all great ideas all break apart without any smashing involved. Common thing that happen a lot here in Ponyville, which Yona impressed by.

Yona hope Yona not get hit by dum dum stick too soon, ‘cause Yona hear there’s school dance coming up.

Yona now talk about how Yona's friends plans break apart. Yak approved!

Friend Gallus started exploiting bits off tourist with corny stories instead of museum he promised.

Friend Sandbar started do boring bland stuff again by watching new tree grow.

Friend Smolder smashing on big dumb rock probably to eat gems inside, like that one story Professor Rarity tell of how she got cutiemark, instead of imposing monument.

Friend Silverstream artwork and symbolism become messy baby cave painting no creature will ever understand. Yona remember school lessons mentioning that art is like that.

Friend Ocellus reflection on the elements missed point as well. Yona guess it just repeat of changelings misconception like in their Hearths Warming tradition.

Unsurprisingly, everything got destroyed unintentionally. Yona personally hopes to master this skill one day and teach to yaks at home. Sadly, Yona's friends all start arguing after this which make Yona angry. Friends no fight! Yona decide to school them on stories of how we came closer thanks to tree. And also how they doing thing professors did for Headmistress Twilight for Friendship Castle. Professor Rockhoof would be proud of speech!

So friends stopped acting like dum dum and start getting job done done. Luckily, Sandbar too lazy to throw pieces of tree away, so together, we make treehouse in song. Then Smashed Tree of Harmony also pitched in, turned into a Treehouse of Harmony. Parts each sold separately.

Yay! Yona now have place to hang out with friends after school!

Then Headmistress Twilight appear and explained our friendship turned Tree of Harmony into something better after it smashed.

Wait, this give Yona great idea! Yona think if we smash treehouse together and fix it again, parts grow to something better!

Bestest idea ever!

Your best yak smasher,
Yona

Dear Sombra,

You think you can get rid of me that easily? Piss off. I choose when I want to go.

Treelike Barkle

Dear Treelight Sparkle,

You know, taking the laughable effort they put in and transforming it into something actually presentable is the equivalent of parents helping with a science project when it's not allowed.

Seriously, you expect me to believe that the six of them did that with some ropes and glue? Sandbar tried to eat glue on the first day of arts and crafts.

But hey, to be fair, you've given us a great place to move our sex ed classes to. The noise complaints from Mayor Mare were honestly getting a little tiresome.

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Sparkle's Seven

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Princess Luna,

I need your help to upstage my siblings, for once.

A younger sibling in need of assistance,
Spike

Dear Spike,

Say no more.

Your understanding alicorn,
Princess Luna

Dear Shining Armor,

Have you replaced the current patrol guards with the competent ones trained by Flash Magnus before the trail run? I would rather retire knowing that Equestria is in good hooves.

Your retiring solar monarch,
Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Not to worry. I've replaced the current incompetent guards with even more incompetent ones. Plus, I heard your sister even got Fluttershy's lazy brother to be a guard, as well. Equestria is in good hooves.

Your best captain of the guard,
Shining Armor

Dear Shining Armor,

Good... Wait... WHAT!?!

-Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

What you need to do is try one of my featherbrained schemes. They are all guaranteed successes and will ensure you get revenge on those that wronged you!

Your Definitely Trustworthy and Scottish Duck,
Flintheart Glomgold

Dear Rarity,

You owe me big time.

That scumbag with a dick for a brain is so obnoxious! And if I hear Zephyr say one more time that I always fucking dress in style, I'm gonna murder him.

Your fed up friend,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Twilight Velvet and Night Light,

Guess who finally got the sibling supreme crown!

Your adopted son,
Spike

Dear Spike,

We don't fucking care.

-Twilight Velvet and Night Light

Dear Shining Armor,

Why geese!?!?

Do you not know how much birdshit the maids have to clean on a daily basis if this were to be the new and improved security system!?

At least tell us that you didn't get this idea from that ridiculous goose game.

Signed,
Raven Inkwell and Kibitz

Dear Raven Inkwell and Kibitz,

Okay.

I didn't get this idea from that ridiculous goose game.

Signed,
Shining Armor

Dear Diary,

So, Luna thinks she can just sabotage this test run, does she?

Well I got a lotta little things I have planned on my bucket list on our coming sister vacation that I'm sure she'll enjoy.

Signed,
Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack,

Why is a picture of you overlooking a bunch of applebucking zebras on your farm making the rounds around town? Do you have any idea how many outraged idiots I have banging on my doors?

-Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Sweet Celestia, talk about out of context. Zecora wanted to know if I needed any extra help with applebucking this season, and I was as accommodating as I could be. Featherweight came by and wanted a picture of applebucking in action. So I guess the little shit wanted to stir up some outrage. You need to get the local media under control, Princess.

-AJ

Dear Applejack,

Oh, so NOW it's okay to bring the Foal Free Press into my propaganda machine when it's your reputation at stake?

Whatever. I guess as long as they're 'employees', and you're paying them, I have something to say to calm the unruly mob outside.

-Twilight

Twilight,

Wait, what? I'm not paying them.

Three apples a day and a burlap sack to sleep in. Even gave'em a place in the cellar to sleep. But you know, not the Racist Barn. If you recall, they're not allowed in there. Just ask Zecora, it's much better than where they came from. Speaking of where they came from, that's where they're going right back to when applebucking season is done.

But after looking at that picture, guess I could talk to Rarity about modernizing Apple Chord's wardrobe too. The white suit might be a little too old fashioned.

-Applejack

Author's Note

The Point of No Return

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Diary,

Today was the most entertaining day for me in a while. Rather strange when, just this morning, Muffins the Mailmare nearly dropped a loot crate onto me. I thought it was full of figurines that I always wanted, but turns out it was full of my dick master's shit. Sent by her ex-mentor/enemy/fellow princess, no less. Then the Bookhorse herself found a library book that she never returned.

Oh yeah... I remember now... I hid that borrowed book of hers away like years ago to spite her bitchy attitude by ruining her best book borrower title and had totally forgotten about it!

Well, thank you, Princess Trollestia! This should be fun to watch! The perfect icing on the cake after becoming sibling supreme.

Anyway, Twilight starts Twilighting about her stupidity, which should have been obvious from the start, and then proceeds to blast off into Canterlot, Team Rocket style.

Upon arrival, she tried putting on a bush disguise which would never have worked unless you were in a hundred player battle royal where you only win when, winner winner chicken dinner, one pony is left standing. Idiot. Then she started lamenting about her improper book borrowing behavior as a librarian. Though, I personally think she’d already lost it when she let Tirek blow up her library treehouse that one time. I'm still pissed that she didn't save my comics, but that dumb pet owl instead... Though this might also explain that damn Bookhorse’s problem of sniffing books. I think she went a bit cuckoo after her all her preciouses were destroyed. And she says that Pinkie is problematic with her drugs!?! Hypocrite.

I also don’t get why she kept worrying about the fine for her overdue book. Dude, you're royalty, go and financially pardon yourself, then.

The librarian there did a great job bringing down Twilight's spirits by shaming her for her overdue book. Ha! Comedy gold! I would've kissed that mare if I didn't already have a mare in my heart. Entering the dungeons below, we had to roll a number five to enter the inner sanctum of Dante’s Inferno, where we had to “Abandon all hope for all ye who enter”. You know, doing the type of religious pretentious bullshit you hear in divine comedies.

However, the mare we sought had gone to lunch. Heading to the restaurant, Twilight asked me to look out for any librarian type ponies here. Easy enough. Just look for a purple mare that thinks too highly of herself, bitches about everything, and is eternally sexually frustrated.

Wait... why am I helping her?!? I have better things to do. I'm gonna wait right here and be a waiter to these ponies... A servants job is never done...

Then the princess pulls me away all frantic-like explaining that Dusty Pages may have gotten fired for her overdue book. Great. Now I feel bad! I meant to mess with Twilight, not an old mare!

Heading to Dusty's old home, we met a grumpy schmuck that guilted Twilight into being an errand mare by delivering Dusty’s mail despite being very vague about her current location being at a Sliver Something Something. Damn NPCs and their dumb side quests!

Thus, we travelled around Equestria, which was pretty much us filling up time of the rest of the ~~episode~~ day. We even ended up fighting a guy named Red on top of Mt. Silver. It wasn’t the Silver Something Something location we sought, though.

Oh well, at least we now had multiple fast travel points all around Equestria by the time we finally found the place. Yet, Twilight nearly started a nervous freakout session only thirteen seconds after knocking on Dusty's door. Trust me, I counted. And this leads to, guess what, another search quest. Thus, another few hours of my life wasted.

That old mare sure knows how to move fast, as by the time we reached each location, she had already left. This gave her royal bookness a slowly degrading mental breakdown. Hilarious, I know.

When we found the whereabouts of Where’s Waldo was, the worrywart went weeping to her about her wrongdoings, but the wrinkly mare went wacko like a wraith and wailed on that worrywart, then walked her way out on a warpath of wrath in a Fruity Warfare Warzone while Twilight is left to wilt and wince in response.

Say that five times fast.

Sipping this apple juice afterwards tasted quite sweet, especially with a hint of revenge on top with Twilight’s face planted on the table. Karma's a bitch, ain't it, Twily? She deserves all that scrutiny.

Later, we found out that when Princess Nervewreck broke her perfect record, this led to Dusty living a more worthwhile life. Wow, my prank actually helped somepony rather than make their life worse? Hey, Dashie, take some notes.

Oh, and here's the kicker. The overdue book's title was called "Perfection: The Impossible Pursuit". What a fitting way to bite back on that purple bitch’s ass. Also, thanks, random pony, for throwing that fruit on the book! Twilight's heart attack was hilarious.

At the end of the day, we discovered that the payment for the overdue book cost only twenty eight bits. By that point she was done with life. Ha! Best day ever! I should commemorate this incident. But what I should I even call this whole series of events? The Point of No Return? Twilight's Tremendous Tumble To Terror? Lesson Zero Part Two? Or Lesson 0-2? I can't decide which sounds better! It's like Twilight Flopple all over again!

Overall, I had an enjoyable day at the expense of Twilight's torment. Perfect payback for all she's done. And there is no way in hell that this doesn't come back to bite me in the future.

Sincerely,
Spike

Yo Spike,

I need you to accompany me to the Dragon Lands so I can meet my sweet and sensitive brother

Your friend,
Smolder

Dear Twilight,

So, you're not going to hang out with me after all this time because of something book related again!?!

Your designated cameo,
Moondancer

Dear Moondancer,

At least you got to speak. I didn't even get the chance at all despite my talkative nature. And I was even confused for a location!

Your fellow cameo,
Silverstream

Dear Dumbass Muscle Stallion,

What's this I hear of a pony shouting bad things about me gran, Dusty Pages, for not changing her mailing address?

When I knock on your door this time tomorrow, you had better not say no to fucking my face, or I’m going to punch your face in da face.

The Manliest Pony in Equestria,
Dustykatt

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
CANTERLEAVE... OR CAN WE?

In preparation for Princess Twilight Sparkle's inevitable ascension to the throne in Canterlot, entire townships, cities, and counties are preparing what has collectively become known as 'Equexita', beginning the process of becoming legally independent of Equestria's capital city.

"We'll be thrilled when she's finally out of town, but we don't even want to know what kind of legislation she'll eventually try to pass up there," Ponyville's Mayor Mare commented. "It's probably better if we try not to think about it."

Ponyville is far from alone in it's endeavor. Most are hopeful that things will stay the same throughout Equestria, but they want an emergency plan in place in case the new sole ruler wants to flaunt her authority.

When asked about what the Canterlotians should do, Mayor Mare was dismissive.

"Those rich assholes chose to live up there. If they're afraid of what's coming, they've got plenty of warning to get out of town."

Luna affirmed that, indeed, the City of Canterlot has been given a formal warning.

"If thou does not want to deal with Sparkle's coming shenanigans, thou shalt get the fuck out."

Author's Note

Common Ground

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Hey, Snails,

Where did all our bits go? I was planning on buying a money bin to store them for swimming in later.

Your manager,
Snips

Sup, Snips,

I kinda donated ninety-nine percent of it to charity. It's the right thing to do, after all.

In a world full of self-entitled and greedy assholes around every corner, it's good to do the right thing for society with what little we have. To show that there is some true worth in our kind rather than just the sum of our sins.

I kept the remainder of the bits for both of us though... which I kinda spent all on apple pies in Appleloosa.

Want one?

Your client,
Snails

Dear Cousin Clear Sky,

I heard you met that Rainbow mare in Appleloosa.

The next time you see her, could you ask her to give a personal apology for that winter storm catastrophe she caused seasons ago? Fluffy Clouds is still having nightmares about it. Post-traumatic Storm Disorder, they called it, I think.

Sincerely,
Cousin Clear Skies

Dear Rainbow,

So, you didn't bother to visit all the museums that you promised me and made a friend of yours a complete liar!

What the hay!?!

Your honest friend,
Applejack

Dear Applejack,

The last time I followed your instructions I ruined a trip for your grandmare so I didn't want a repeat of that, okay!? And what kind of loyal pony would I be if I did not help my friends?

Plus, he'll repay me by bucking his balls in me later.

Your loyal friend,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I can assure you that you'll be sorrowfully disappointed by his repayment. His name is already a red flag about how good he'll be in bed.

I loved him for his personality, not his bod, if that's any indication to you.

Quibble's Special Somepony,
Clear Sky

Dear Clear Sky,

Well, at the very least she'll finally get what she deserves.

Rainbow's disappointed me in bed plenty of times by now.

Sincerely,
Applejack

Author's Note

Yeah, so I'm gonna be honest; really no excuse for the gap between chapters this time around. I dropped the ball worse than Quibble here. Which is why I'm pushing this one out at 2 in the morning.

I'll try to get them out a little quicker from now on.

Much love,
Miles

She's All Yak

To Headmistress Twilight Sparkle,

I heard ~~from Rarity~~ through the grapevine about the incident at the Amity Ball, especially about the winners of said event. They seem like an interesting pair. It reminds me so much of how Fancy and I got together.

Your Fair Lady,
Fleur de Lis

Dear Diary,

I hope Yona doesn't get any funny ideas that we are a couple now. The last thing I need is my dick getting wrecked by her large rump.

Concerned,
Sandbar

Dear Sandbar,

No worries. I'm sure Rarity's advice can work with interspecies sexcapades too!

It'll fit right in!

Love,
Yona

Dear Yona and Sandbar,

Say, do you two think you'd ever be interested in a threesome maybe?

Sincerely and hopefully,
Gallus

Dear Pony Friend of Yona,

Pony Friend better not break engagement with our yak child, Yona. Yak parents will not be happy if Yona heart break. If Yona heart smashed, then you get smashed. And then we declare war on Equestria.

~~Signed~~ Smashed,
Yona's Parents

Dear Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow and Rarity,

So you teach a student how to not be herself to get along with others. Goes to show the level of intelligence my friendship teachers have.

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

To Headmistress Twilight Sparkle,

Says the idiot who hired us.

Your employees,
Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow and Rarity

Dear Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow and Rarity,

Next time leave the shipping to me. You nearly ruined my shipping chart!

Yonabar FTW.

Love,
Princess Cadance

To DJ Pon-3,

Do you still have that Sweeping Remix Song?

Because the Amity Ball got damaged by Yona's rampage and we’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do.

Your fellow DJ,
DJ Scales and Tail

To DJ Scales and Tail,

I got ya, fam!

You're Welcome,
DJ Pon-3

Dear DJ Scales and Tail,

Great work being the DJ for the dance but your DJ name needs a little work, however.

How about DJ Useles-5?

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

Hey, just because your students are getting some and you're not, don't take your bad luck out on me, bitch.

-DJ Scales and Tail

Dear Readers,

How fitting that the most boring and bland character of the Student Six would teach you all the lesson that it's okay being weird and unique.

Ha. Suck it.

-Sandbar

Tale as old as time

Strange as it can be

Barely even friends

Then Yona starts to dance

Destroying everything

Author's Note

Frenemies

Dear Diary,

It's been a few weeks since I created my "totally not copying DC" version of the Legion of Doom and progress in getting them to work together hasn't gone as planned. Who knew that putting a bunch of villains together would cause so much chaos!

Though, I don't understand why they can't get along. They are the most perfectly dysfunctional family I've ever seen! So, how can they not work together? Cozy has been constantly drawing propaganda posters to impose unity with each other under her dictatorship; Tirek does nothing but lift shit to compensate for his medium sized stature; and Chrysie spends all day just talking to a purple dildo now ever since her other pink fluffball pet expired.

I mean, not even a song and dance number made them work together! And that always works! They even sung it so well. Why, you could hear all the windows they cracked thousands of miles away... Absolutely brilliant! I've heard better villain songs, though. I mean, here's a better song that one third of the Chaos Making Crusaders and her gryphon boyfriend cooked up with another guy named Baasik.

You’re welcome, readers!

I know what this needs! A random trial for my ~~heroes~~ villains to face that'll get them to put aside their differences and work together for the greater ~~good~~ evil. The best part is that it's just a wild goose chase! The bell doesn't actually exist, or else I am so screwed!

They just need to climb up Mt. Everhoof and battle this red pony at the top. Unfortunately, that old pony settled to wait near the "safety zone" of the mountain. Well, so much for making a video game reference... I even wanted to add these miscellaneous portals scattered throughout the mountain that will teleport you anywhere else on the mountain, but apparently, Ducktales stole that idea already. Planning aside, hijinks ensued in their trip together. Chaos approved. They tried splitting up the team only to fall apart because of it. My practical lesson worked wonders because, by nightfall, they were buddying up around a campfire learning about teamwork to accomplish their goals.

~~Hey! Maybe I should write this down in Twilight's lesson plans the next time I'm in charge of the school!~~

Please ignore the crossed out words above this sentence.

I didn't need to see what happened after that. They would get to the top of the mountain to find nothing there! Because if the bell was there, it wouldn't make much sense. How would a pony be able to climb up such a dangerous mountain and climb back down and live to tell the tale!?! Utter myth and nonsense! As if the bell was actually there.

Well, despite them getting a literal no-bell prize, they are at least working together, now. I may have gotten rusty with my mind manipulation skills over the seasons, but this episode clearly shows that I still got it!

This will definitely be Twilight's greatest challenge yet!

~~Signed,~~
~~Grogar~~

Oh, who am I kidding? You all know who I am by now!

Yours chaotically,
Discord

Dear Chrysalis,

You know, if this whole plan doesn't work out, then I think you just might have a shot at stand-up comedy.

That Twilight bit was hilarious. Impressions seem to be your thing.

Do it again for us sometime.

Because, you know, that was pretty much the reason I gave you your magic back.

Sincerely,
Tirek

P.S. Let me know if you'd like some alone time with another type of wood I could introduce you to.

Author's Note

Alright, believe it or not, I actually have an excuse for all this time before an update.

The page where Mix has all of his content?

Yeah, I actually don't have that link on my new PC.

My bad.

Sweet and Smoky

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

No, I'm not going to do a research report on which dragon has the biggest dick for your worthless cunt.

And don't even think about firing me for it. You don't want the whole school to riot on your stupid ass for firing the school's best teacher.

Signed,
Fluttershy

Dear Garble,

Fire from laughter is ten times stronger than regular fire?

Seems legit.

Head of Monsters Inc,
James P. Sullivan

Dear Dragon Lord Ember,

Ship confirmed! Appledash FTW!

Your shipping alicorn,
Princess Cadance

Dear Spike,

So, now that I'm apparently reformed and all, are you gonna return that awesome lava surfboard that you technically stole from me?

Your inspired poet,
Garble

Dear Garble,

Depends.

Are you going to take my blanket and egg-cozy sewing classes so the hatching grounds don't have to rely on your stand-up comedy routine next time?

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Fluttershy,

I'm surprised you didn't try putting the eggs in some egg incubators and just walk a few kilometers. That always works when I'm trying to hatch my eggs!

Your friendly videogamer,
Button Mash

To Garble the young aspiring poet,

Come by my hut and I’ll pour you a glass of moët.

Your poetry while unique, is not so divine,

You may need some lessons in rhythm and rhyme.

So come and visit Ponyville for aid, just venture into the Everfree,

And find the hidden hut there and you will meet me.

Plus, you’ll have more time with Smolder, so no need to be depressed.

From a possible new friend, Zecora, the Rhyming Enchantress.

Dear Garble,

Don't ever let the hate stop you from being the real you. You have renewed yourself. You are reignited!

Lord of the Dragonflies,
Spyro

Dear Equestria,

So really, how many of you have asshole siblings?

Sincerely,
Smolder

Dear Smolder,

Yep, right here.

Sincerely,
Shining Armor, Fluttershy, Sweetie Belle, Marble Pie, Apple Bloom, Morning Roast, and Princess Luna

Author's Note

Going To Seed

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Apple Bloom,

If the Great Seedling is anything like a Snipe, you have to clap your hooves three times and use chocolate as bait.

Senior Wilderness Explorer,
Russell

Dear Big Mac,

Sorry. If I had known about your upcoming great harvest, I'd have scheduled our nightly rendez-vous sessions another day so you wouldn't end up sleepwalking.

I hope you still enjoyed our time together though.

Your marefriend,
Sugar Belle

Dear Diary,

Best. Prank. Ever!

Signed,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Big Mac,

Say, after you get some rest, do you want to come over and give me a great seeding?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Try it, bitch.

~~Threateningly~~ Sincerely,
Sugar Belle

Author's Note

Student Counsel

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Princess Cadance,

Worst advice ever. A picnic to woo Starlight on our one-on-one date didn't work at all!

She kept teleporting back to work in the middle of it!

Yours truly,
The Horny and Bewildered Trixie

Dear Trixie,

Guess Starlight must be into stallions, then. Try dyeing your mane red and your coat orange and wear a blue coat and spectacles.

Love,
Princess Cadance

Dear Princess Cadance,

Why did Trixie just ~~demand~~ message me to send her my wardrobe?

Your Confused Royal Crystaller,
Sunburst

Dear Sunburst,

Oh, she's trying some crossdressing because I made her think Starlight has a thing for nerds.

Sincerely,
Princess Cadance

Dear Princess Cadance,

She is into nerds.

Namely, me.

Sincerely,
Sunburst

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Three strikes and you're out.

This is the third time something bad occurred while you were in charge of the school!

I will never let you be headmistress of my school ever again!

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

Dear Headmistress Twilight Sparkle,

I don't know about that. Most viewers already know that Starlight ends up being in charge of the school by the end of the show.

Guess that makes you the biggest idiot to put her in charge a fourth time.

Your bouncing employee,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Stupid Pie,

Shut the fuck up! Nopony asked you!

Your irritated boss,
Headmistress Twilight Sparkle

Dear Fluttershy,

I am in need of your assistance. I would like you to get a cockatrice and stone my stallionfriend.

Signed,
Maud

Dear Fluttershy,

Please don't.

Even if she managed to only make it to the portion of my body that she wants to keep hard forever, I am afraid that it would make urinating and ejaculating... Complicated.

A technically terrified stallion,
Mudbriar

Dear Mum and Dad,

Guess what new pet I got!

Your daughter,
Silverstream

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

We like to file a complaint on your supposed best teacher in your school; Professor Fluttershy. Who in the right mind thought it was safe for our daughter to tame such a dangerous animal!

Signed,
Sky Beak and Ocean Flow

Dear Silverstream’s parents,

Perhaps you underestimate the true bonds between tamer and creature. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter would be able to biomerge with Edith down the line.

Your expert beast tamer,
Professor Fluttershy

Dear Starlight,

Say, nice bracelet.

Can you make one that goes off when I'm horny?

Sincerely,
Headmistress Twilight

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

So... You want me to make you a bracelet that never stops vibrating?

No.

Sincerely,
Counselor Starlight

Author's Note

The Last Crusade

Dear Diary,

So today my parents come home out of the blue and decide they want to force me to move down to Destination Fucked.

How about fuck that?

Why can’t they just stay here and tame Ponyville’s most dangerous creature?

I am, of course, referring to Princess Twilight.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Look, I've already told my friends that you're some of 'those' ponies. So let me give it to you straight. I'm not going to move down to where the spiders are so big they have health bars, just because you think Equestria is going to get worse when there's a change of rulers.

So buzz off, both of you.

Sincerely,
Scootaloo

Dear Scootaloo,

Look sweetheart, trust us. When Twilight Sparkle takes over in Canterlot, this country is going to be fucked.

Probably figuratively and literally.

You don't want to be anywhere near Equestria in a few months.

But hey, if you want to take a very real chance of being part of that harlot's harem, knock yourself out.

Good luck,
Mom and Dad

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
PROTESTERS STORM CANTERLOT CASTLE

Canterlotan protesters surrounded and trespassed into Canterlot Castle when news first broke that Princess Twilight would be taking the place of Princesses Celestia and Luna on the throne.

"Keep that hopeless whore in Ponyville where she belongs!" Yelled Sassy Saddles as she crossed into the castle hallways with the crowd.

In addition to those who want to keep Celestia and Luna in town, there are widespread rumors of those who believe that Luna has been secretly plotting to return as Nightmare Moon again. These 'neo nightsie' cultists are ready to serve their eternal night princess upon her inevitable return.

Princess Luna has completely denied these rumors.

"Look, in a way, I've already sort of taken a millennium-long vacation. While my sister is planning on retiring and creating a sitcom titled 'Sunny in Fillydelphia', I'm going to continue dreamwalking from my 'Marelago' resort down south, while also frequently sending pamphlets out containing my thoughts and feedback on the next castle administration for all my loyal totally not-neo-nightsie followers to read and digest."

In this reporter's unbiased opinion, we here in Ponyville don't really care that a tree-shaped crystal castle popped out of the ground just a few years ago for her; get her the fuck out of town. It's time to take her back, Canterlot. That's where she came from in the first place.

Author's Note

Between Dark and Dawn

Additonal content provided by MixMassBasher.

Dear soon to no longer be Princesses Celestia and Luna,

So, our resident Pokémare Trainer decided to replace the fruit bats that we exterminated due to reasons with a gigantamax tortrera to dick with the apple farm instead.

Initially, I only went there to laugh my ass off at Applejack’s hard work being ruined, but that changed when it tried to use Crunch on Vacuum Cleaner. Cleaning appliances don’t come cheap, you know? So, my gang started a Pokémare Go raid battle, but Pinkie didn’t get the memo and threw apples at it like it was Pokémare Snap.

Then, you two sisters decided to play with us, too. Our resident egomaniac was right to say that of all the shitty troubles we’ve faced, you decide that one beast rampaging a farm warrants the Royal Sisters’ Might? Where were you two during the ursa minor and bugbear attacks, then!?! What? Were the last two not what you needed to complete your Ponydex? Douches.

Now, can you two old hags get off my property!

Your soon to be dominant ruler of all of Equestria,
~~Dictator~~ Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princesses Celestia and Luna,

Why do we need some dumb celebration for the swans in your castle?

Signed,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

They were mad that the geese got to help out in the Canterlot security system, but they didn’t. And you do not want angry swans shitting on the castle.

Signed,
Princess Luna

Dear Diary,

I'm pretty sure I just figured out how the Wild Blue Yonder closed down. Even though it was completely safe and the line went out the door.

Celestia probably forced Luna to go on that one too.

-Rainbow Dash

Dear Sister,

Before our retirement finally occurs, let us two best sisters play video games, instead. ‘Tis been a while since we’ve done that, anyway.

Signed,
Princess Luna

Dear Princesses Celestia and Luna,

You couldn't tolerate each other's presence until I switched your cutie marks many moons ago. In what way did you think that spending time together wouldn't result in disaster once more?

Just do your own personal lists, and not each other’s, and be done with this unnecessary plot.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Princess Luna,

So, did you really get sunburned in all those areas, or were you just having a good time with Daybreaker?

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle

There's a lotta little things you gotta do in this world.

But there's a lotta them you can kiss goodbye.

’Cause the coronavirus plunges the world to outbreaks,

So have lotta little lockdowns tonight.

Author's Note

Rollercoaster of Friendship (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Rainbow,

I need your help looking after my granny and her pals before you go on that fancy smancy rollercoaster.

Your Best Friend,
Applejack

Dear Rainbow,

Dear Celestia, Don't!

Your Awesome Pony Self,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Twilight,

It's been a while. There have been no Equestrian Magic surges since summer break started that we were even taking summertime jobs. I worked at this Sushi Shack and I'm proud of it. Baka!

While on break, I came across AJ and Rarity having a staring contest with their phones. Apparently they were applying for new jobs at Equestria Land; a theme park that is somehow not owned by Disney yet, and are awaiting their replies. Strangely enough, their staring strategy worked. The replies each of them received were quite fitting. The dumb diva gets the spotlight job while the background character gets trash ads. AJ probably shoudn't have quit working at the smoothie shack before getting a reply. Poor planning really and also a shame to be honest! She really knew how to shake things up when working there.

Later on, Rarity gave all of us VIP passes to Equestria Land which was sweet! It'll be fun as long as there isn't another masked villain ruining everything. I'm looking at you, Juniper Montage! I'm personally looking forward to a perfect day of fun as I plan on doing a photo booth sessions with all the girls since they left me out on the last one. Then Pinkie expositioned to us on this Gen Z degenerate; Vignette Valencia. Yeah, they name their generations here by letters instead of numbers. How weird is that!?! Anyway, AJ didn't quite get any of the technobabble social media crap so it didn't help at all when Rarity revealed she was besties with Vignette. AJ didn't approve of this "ship" which was probably why she followed Rarity.

Meanwhile, Twilight and I were trying and failing to do a mother fucking ring toss! And AJ just had to interrupt us talking about how Fluttershy went missing. Does she not understand that this takes priority over that!! By Celestia!! I'm definately contacting Snips and Snails after this to precure all the plushies from the Flim Flam bros later. After that, AJ came barging in reporting an emergency meeting that Vignette was sus after seeing Rainbow get offed on cams but I wasn't buying it so we voted AJ off. Big mistake as we were soon warped into cyberspace. Well, so much for no Equestrian Magic here.

Days without Equestrian Magic fucking up our lives:

0

And seriously, of all the people Equestrian Magic choosed to infect, it decided on a tacky tiktok trender!?! We pretty much went from a girl who gets no attention that was corrupted by magic; Wall— something something, to a girl that gets all the attention and was corrupted by magic. We basically went from a diet-tier Applejack to a diet-tier Rainbow Dash! I demand a refund! This bitch even stole Juniper's mirror dimension trap too? So much for being a trendsetter! I'm definitely disliking and unsubscribing from her after this!

Rarity soon found out what happened afterwards and pretty much swiped left Vignette, reunite with AJ and nearly reignited their "ship" until Twilight techobable her way into calling them. We soon found out that we were trapped in a white room this whole damn time instead of cyberspace. Perhaps the fact that there were no floating kuramons anywhere should've been our first clue...

And so with all our powers combined, we put a stop to the latest equestrian magic mishap by cracking the phone screen. Anticlimactic, I know. So we ended the day singing our latest hit single Photo Booth which is pretty much both a Rarijack song and an apology to me for being left out last time in a Perfect Day for Fun.

Overall, the lesson here I learnt today was don't rely on social media to make friends, there’s definitely no scenario where this is untrue. Well, unless a lockdown occurs but in what situation would that happen! And as if I'll ever fall for all that social media crap! I once lived in a land where technology is almost non-existent!

Your non-technology reliant friend,
Sunset Shimmer

EquestrianMagicSucks #EquestriaGirlsForever #SunsetShimmerBestPonyGirl

P.S. The next time you visit you should check out the All Spark Studios! I hear that they are shooting scenes for a movie coming out this year!

To Applejack,

You seem to have a knack for spotting security breaches. If you are interested in a new job. We are hiring at the new Mega Pizzaplex!

Signed,
Frezbear Entertainment, Inc

Author's Note

Rainbow Roadtrip

Additional content provided by MixMassbasher.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I absolutely despise my spineless, lazy, stupid, good for nothing, worthless excuses for friends!

Those bitches nearly ditched me to go on this ridiculous ~~road trip~~ hot air balloon trip to Hope Hollow’s Rainbow Festival. This was all thanks to that self-conceited attention whorse who was being personally invited as the guest of honor which pretty much gave that cunt an even bigger ego trip since her birth-iversary celebration. And just why did that dimwitted orangeneck dirtpony have to throw my travel porn stash off my own hot air balloon onto Vacuum Cleaner!?

Great, now my worthless slave gets to spend his break jerking off to those blackmail pictures I had on Rarity! I hope that lucky bastard breaks his claws by the end of it!

And to top it all off, my main entertainment on this pile of horseshit of a long-ass trip was Pinkie singing that annoying bottle song. Well here's a song for this doped-up deadweight!

One obnoxious stupid pink mare on the balloon,

One obnoxious stupid pink mare.

Knock her out, toss her out,

One obnoxious stupid pink mare still on the balloon

Wait how the hell did she stay on...??? Nevermind.

We soon reached our fucked destination by nearly crashing to death as my balloon had a surprise encounter with, of all things, a fucking rainbow billboard. Okay. After this stupid festival, I'm sending Rainbow Crash my broken balloon bill.

And yeah, I unfortunately had to save our wingless compatriots because I didn't want to be stuck with more paperwork at school. I just hope those dumb bitches don't sue me for hazard pay since they nearly died by travelling on my hot air balloon.

Upon our arrival, we had to hightail our asses to the nearest safezone before cadou-powered lycans bit off our hooves. Screw this fungus-fested village! Luckily, we managed to check into a safe hotel and soon met our first forgettable filly character of this trip, Petunia Petals; librarian, information guide, hotel manager, and blah blah blah...

Also, to put it bluntly, the room provided to us was a shitty dump. Rarity tried putting a positive light on things by talking out of her ass on how the place was so rustic and charming. Oh yes, it is very rustic and charming. You could tell how rustic and charming it was by those two creepy little fillies in blue dresses standing just outside at the end of the hallway!

Hey, Rainbow, I seem to recall you invited us here. So, being such a swell guest of honor, why don't you let your guests sleep on the beds while you have the honor of sleeping on the dusty grey floor tonight? Sleep tight and hope the bedbugs bite!

Waking up the next morning in this totally unsuspicious village, we soon found out that the place was full of plain pastel ponies. Well, at least nopony's creepily saying welcome to us. On the downside, the townsfolk kept avoiding us like the plague. Why the hell are they isolating us because of the color of our fur!?! Ridiculous! Honestly, any creature that thinks like that are utter nimrods.

We soon found the idiot in charge of this lackluster place who was getting his lackeys to scrap parts off my wrecked balloon. So, this dick's in charge? Good. You moronic monochrome motherfucker! You owe me a new balloon!!!

He gave us a tour around the joint which made us very wary. If we weren't careful, the next thing you know, we'd have our colors stolen and sealed into jars; then have our asses hauled into a Conversion Cottage convincing us to free ourselves from our colors. Yeah... I think I still have PTSD from that incident and the only resident counsellor to help remedy it is the bitch that caused it.

Mayor Sunny proceeded to solidify my stance that you can't trust politicians. I mean, come on, everything advertised about this place is a complete and utter hoax! Somepony should've renamed the place "Hopeless Hollow". We were about to leave this shitty town, but Sunny songspositioned to us how the town lost its community spirit since its hay days. Especially after he blew up a family heirloom, causing the town to revert to an oldie cartoon style color palette.

Really? That's what happened!?! I thought it was a couple of drunk hics deciding to paint the town grey for fun. But hey, look on the bright side. At least there's a low pegasus fatality rate here as I'm certain the rainbow factory doesn't do dull color schemes for their glorious rainbows. Maybe advertise that on your stupid brochure! Oh and here's a solution to your monochrome problem. Get a fucking dye shop! In fact, I'm gonna head out right now and cast a fucking magic dye spell over this damn town and prove my point!

Yeah... Sadly, that idea went straight to the trash as the magic spell I cast on the outskirt of town worked jack fucking squat! Then, Rainbow decided to nuke the town with a rainboom which didn't work either. I suspect she's still super salty about being duped into coming here. Well, except for the fanclub part, turns out Rainbow did have fans here. Wow, who knew dull foals have such dull tastes! They even took after Rainbow Crash as the dull dynamic duo nearly crash landed to their dull demise. Rainbow then decided to take them under her wing so that they could do a flyby at the stupid festival before they become pegasi pancakes. Meanwhile, back in Ponyville, an orange chicken sensed a great disturbance in the Dash Force.

Deciding to avoid a lawsuit with child labour law, I headed to the local library to find some porn to jerk off to because somepony threw away my previous stash. I hit the jackpot when I saw that Sunny and Petunia were in the middle of an oldie cartoon romcom bullshit. Yeah... those two clearly want to fuck each other. Hey! Maybe if I help them with their relationship I could join them for a celebratory threesome after this Lamebow Festival!

While I was planning how to do this, my other friends had their own misadventures. Rarity decided to further her business expansion during the Dullbow Festival. Gee, Rarity, what a great idea. Put another shop in a fucking ghost town and hiring only a colorless crippled couturier.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Pinkie conned a pair of plain pompous pie makers to help prepare food for the Plainbow Festival with their moody neighbor to boot! I'm more surprised that Pinkie didn't pull a buffet out of her mane like she usually does. Maybe she dropped it when I tossed her off my balloon earlier... Oh yeah, I forgot. AJ and some repair pony did some shit in the background.

By then, I had thought of a plan. By fixing that piece of junk Sunny broke and coupled it with a reversal spell I just read about, we could bring color back to the town, thus Sunny will get his mopey head out of his ass and kiss the damn mare and I can get my threesome! Everyone agreed to the beginning of my plan but not the ending. Fucking figures. Too bad that plan didn't come to fruition either and all I got from this was this lousy wing sweater!

Then Applejack comes barging in revealing that the color was returning. I thought that perhaps the spell had a delayed reaction, but turns out it was a friendship problem all along! Celestia dammit! This would've finished quicker if my stupid castle map wasn't on the fritz since Groundskeeper Sombra destroyed the macguffin tree!

By telling everypony that yes, there's still a Rainbow Fucking Festival, we soon brought this damn town back into color in this dumb television movie. Oh, and the Mayor finally grew back his blue colored balls and proposed to the dang mare. Perhaps I could join for a threesome during their future honeymoon since I'm still horny after this whole useless road trip.

Your purple pony princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Hasbro,

The title of this dumb TV movie should have been Rainbow’s Roadtrip and not Rainbow Roadtrip since Ego Dash was the idiot invited to this dumbass festival. Work on your fucking language, you corporate nitwits!

Your Meta-Grammar Nazi,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Are these rainbow wing extensions another one-time thing like that useless Product Placement Rainbow Powerup?

Dear Equestrian Technological Research Division,

So, you know all that super cool shit in that alternate dimension that allows people to keep in touch so much easier?

If I were to steal some of that, could you fuckwads reverse engineer some of that stuff? Because I think that if this town had smartphones or even email, that this shitshow wouldn't have happened in the first place.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

To the desk of Princess Twilight Sparkle,

We can certainly try our best, but we cannot make any promises. It may not happen for generations.

Who knows, it may even take up to five generations for us to get it right.

Sincerely,
Director of the Equestrian Technological Research Division

Author's Note

The Last Laugh

Additional content provided by MixMassBasher.

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know that declaration that I made 221 chapters ago? Yeah... I kinda didn't keep it in the end.

Your naughty subject,
Pinkamena Diane Pie

Dear Hasbro,

First the Last Crusade and now The Last Laugh!?!

We get it. It's the last season. You don't have to spell it out to us.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Sans Smirk,

If you ever feel gloomy about running the gag factory like Cheese, maybe you could hide five golden tickets in your gag products and have one of the five lucky winners become your new successor. Word to the wise, don't make your invitation look like a cupcake, because I still have paper cuts in my belly from eating Cheese's last invitation.

Your marvellous and fantastic friend,
~~Filly Fonka~~ Pinkie Pie

To Cheese Sandwich,

Are you interested in forming a business alliance with our company?

Signed,
James P. Sullivan and Mike Wazowski

Dear Cheese Sandwich,

I'm pregnant.

Signed,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Cheese Sandwich and Sans Smirk,

I understand that you are running a gag factory.

I am certainly interested in purchasing the services of something or somepony that can make me gag.

Repeatedly.

How do I place an order?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Cheese,

Best of luck on your travels, to both of you. I will happily look after the factory for you. This is quite the impressive drug empire you have begun to build, and I'm sure Pinkie's inclusion will make it even stronger.

Now you two might want to get a move on. I've got a business meeting with Clarence Boddicker, and we've got to get through it before RoboCop shows up.

Cordially,
Sans Smirk

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: Trouble Shoes Not Guilty

After years of being caught up in the Appleoosa legal system, resident rodeo clown Trouble Shoes was at last declared Not Guilty of inciting panics in the Equestria Rodeo Circuit.

As he served as Appleloosa's newest rodeo clown, he turned himself in to the authorities about answering for the panic he allegedly caused in the arena.

"It may have turned out differently if the ponies with the pitchfork and torch didn't volunteer to be the prosecution, but that's what we got stuck with. Like there was even a case to begin with," commented Sheriff Silverstar. "They're primarily going after him for the injuries suffered during the hay bale tower collapse. They were trying to break a height record. How do you attend something like that without acknowledging the possibility that it could fall over?"

"And enough with the 'he crossed fence lines with the hay bales!' narrative," argued Braeburn, rodeo spectator and one of the ponies injured in the tower collapse. "For the last time, it has been established that the hay bales were already in the arena."

With the 'not guilty' verdict, Trouble Shoes' rodeo career will only gain traction from here. When he's not active on the circuit, Trouble Shoes has become the lead spokespony for 'Hay-R 15' hay bale wraps.

Bonus Chapter: Similarities

Dear Council of Friendship,

I've been continually curious about the similarities and mirrored events between our worlds.

So do you guys have something called "NFT" over there?

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

That's Ponyville's local awareness group.

Nopony Fuck Twilight.

That's pretty much it. Why, do you have one over there?

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Starlight Glimmer

Dear Council of Friendship,

Yeah, something like that.

Thanks,
Sunset

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: Antiwork

Dear Zephyr Breeze,

I don't know if the mane therapy industry fell through or something, but walking dogs for two hours a day five days a week is not gainful employment.

Especially not when it's mom's dog.

Your sister,
Fluttershy

Dear Zephyr Breeze,

If the dog walking isn't enough, I know a princess over in Ponyville who could always use your services.

I need something to do while answering all these letters from Cadance. Apparently she's dealing with some disgruntled delivery ponies up in the Crystal Empire, who have formed a convoy, blocked the main street leading to the castle, and are now neighing nonstop.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I see it's February 2nd, '22 today.

Happy Gender Day, fuckers.

Author's Note

Special thanks and shout-out to Kaidan for the inspiration for this chapter!

Bonus Chapter: Wrong Address

Dear Canterlot High Chronicle,

Look, I don't know who you're trying to get a hold of, but trust me, you have the wrong number.

Please stop sending student journalists to stand outside.

We don't need any magical assistance, and last we checked, our digestive systems are fine; we don't need any help with "pootin'".

Please stop filling up our voicemail.

Sincerely,
Counterweight
President
U-CRANE Construction Equipment Rental

Author's Note

This story is still, all these years later, the way I can reach the most people, so allow me to say:

Fuck you, you worthless piece of shit Cold War relic. I hope your own people take you down and imprison you in a gay strip club.

Bonus Chapter: Retirement Plans

Dear Princess Celestia,

I've been meaning to ask, because I'm curious, what are your retirement plans? What about Luna?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I plan on taking it easy over in Silver Shoals.

I cannot, however, say the same for Luna.

Since she spent one thousand years in the moon, she is not retiring, and insists she is going to go on a crusade against what she calls "the woke mob."

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

'Tis correct! Sleep is a most important part of life! This wokeness mustn't stand!

-Luna

Author's Note

Don't ask me why, I don't know.

I just thought this up twenty minutes ago and wrote it on my phone.

2, 4, 6, Greaaat

Dear Princess Twilight,

Look, you remember waaay back when you enchanted that fuckdoll of yours and the whole town became obsessed with it?

Don't you remember when we all had that conversation about not creating problems just to solve them later?

I'm pretty sure that includes not creating problems for your friends. Do you seriously think there wasn't someone more enthusiastic about cheerleading that could help these guys form a cohesive squad, instead of tearing me away from buckball games that I wanted to watch?

All because you thought I needed to learn a lesson about being passionate about something just because my friends are?

Fuck off, bitch. Please for the love of Celestia find something productive to do with your time... Or someone to do with your time. That second one might be harder. There's only so many desperate stallions in Ponyville, and you've probably gone through all of them twice by now.

Stop concerning yourself with what I am and am not enthusiastic about. Now piss off before I form a Teacher's Union.

Sincerely,
Loyalty Professor Rainbow Dash

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: Princess Twilight Buys Trotter

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
PRINCESS TWILIGHT BUYS TROTTER

News broke today that Princess Twilight Sparkle has purchased Ponyville's largest newspaper, the Daily Trotter, for what she claims is "a flank-load of bits".

Frequently critical of the Princess' mannerisms and controversies throughout town, the Daily Trotter has been a staple of local journalism for years, and many are wondering if this buyout will inevitably be the publication's death knell.

"You all have until Thursday to opt-in to Trotter 2.0. Free speech and news to the hardcore extreme," Twilight said in a meeting of gathered Trotter reporters earlier this week.

The Foal Free Press has had Featherweight staked out in the bushes next to their offices; at last check-in, about 75% of the reporters have walked out.

If this is any indication of how fast Princess Twilight can tank a company, we at the Foal Free Press can only hope she buys Ticketmare next.

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: Hearts and Hooves PSA

Dear Equestria,

Just a friendly reminder that you don't have to have a super special somepony to enjoy Hearts and Hooves Day.

So go out, stay in, doesn't matter! Don't be above celebrating and loving yourself!

Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, everypony!

Disclaimer: This public service announcement brought to you by the Mares For Masturbation Association.

Bonus Chapter: Celestia In Court

FOAL FREE PRESS
TWILIGHT TAKES CELESTIA TO COURT OVER CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS SCANDAL

Former Princess Celestia has been summoned to Canterlot Royal Court this morning to answer for removing boxes of classified documents at the end of her millennium-long reign.

"Celestia is acting like any sensitive material she takes from the castle with her is automatically declassified. That is simply not the case, and she has to answer for her crimes." Princess Twilight Sparkle claimed at a press conference.

Celestia has put out an official response:

"Just because Princess Twilight says something is classified doesn't make it so; there's procedures to classifying something. I merely just took all the smut out of the Canterlot Castle Royal Library on my way out, because I knew if I didn't, nothing would get done when Twilight took over."

We here at the Foal Free Press are currently trying to think up any possible cons to Princess Twilight's court not getting anything done.

A Trivial Pursuit

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Um, so do you care to explain why the fuck you teamed up with Twilight for Trivia night?

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash and Applejack

Dear Rainbow and AJ,

If you take the time to think about it, you'll realize it's all part of the plan. I already slipped Granny a few bits to rig the random drawing, guaranteeing that I'd get paired with her, and then all I have to do is suck the entire time.

We can't lose.

Sincerely,
Pinkie

Dear Pinkie,

I thought losing was the whole point of this idea.

-Rainbow and AJ

Dear Rainbow and AJ,

That's what I meant. By performing so badly so Twilight can't win, we can't lose.

...Yeah, when I say it like that, I need a drink.

-Pinkie

Dear Sunburst,

Just what the hell are you doing here? You aren't taking advantage of this spare time to fuck Starlight?

Sincerely,
Twilight

To: Twilight

That's exactly what I said!

-Starlight

Author's Note

And a 21-month hiatus (for actual episode parodies) ends out of the freaking blue.

Thanks for reading after all this time. Let's see if I can maybe finally finish this thing.

Bonus Chapter: Mayor Mare Drops Out

FOAL FREE PRESS
MAYOR MARE WITHDRAWS FROM RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN

Ponyville has been in the midst of a mayoral election season for the past several months, and now, Mayor Mare has announced that she will no longer be seeking re-election.

"I'll be candid, my age is starting to catch up with me, and it is time for someone else to take the reins," the Mayor commented.

Mare, aged 81 years old, has stated that she will focus on completed the remainder of her term, before looking to the greener pastures of retirement.

Filthy Rich, CEO of Barnyard Bargains, has been running an election campaign in opposition, as part of the 'Bit-o-holics' party.

A group of Mayor Mare supporters was outside Town Hall, the majority holding signs stating, 'ANYPONY YOUNGER'.

"I'd vote for Discord, I don't really care. Anyone but Rich," stated local Wonderbolt Rainbow Danger Dash.

"Oh good heavens, no," replied Discord in an interview shortly after. "I may be an omnipotent god of chaos, but even I'm not brave enough for the insanity of politics."

Mayor Mare's successor in the campaign is yet to be determined.

Author's Note

Well, the news broke an hour ago, I was bored and had nothing better to do.

Oh, who am I kidding, I most definitely have better things I could be doing.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Query From Canterlot High

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Query From Canterlot High

Dear Princess Celestia,

As Twilight most likely informed you, last year we had to deal with a trio of sirens that had been banished here by Starswirl the Bearded. I'm beginning to wonder how responsible that was; why not just lock them up back in Equestria? Why put an entire other world at risk? This isn't some villain dumping ground.

I'm writing to you to see if Starswirl kept any records of any other beings he might have banished.

The thing is, we've got a real estate tycoon running for president over here, and, you know, I'm just wondering if he used to be an evil camel or something.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Author's Note

The Times They Are A Changeling

Dear Diary,

So we take a day to visit the Crystal Meth Empire.

What does Fax Machine do? He goes and makes friends with a copier.

Go figure.

Author's Note

Applebuck Season

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Applebuck Season

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I learned that Applejack is an idiot. I mean, she's supposed to be an experienced farmer, yet she put an impossible amount of work on her plate, and thus, brought disaster after disaster onto Ponyville, while really only preventing one.

The day started with a fuckton of cows stampeding towards town. Stupid creatures, they are. I mean, come on, an entire herd startled because one of them freaked out over a snake. Just trample the damn snake. Clearly, animals startled so easily are not fit to exist. I wonder what we could do with the useless ones. I bet they're tasty.

So the town wanted to recognize AJ for saving this dump from being stampeded. It took them a week to organize this staged award ceremony. I even came up with a comedy routine, and made a list of ponies better than her, but I never got the chance because my “friends” kept interrupting me with the things Applejack promised to do with them. When Applejack finally showed up, she was practically half asleep, said a few words, and dragged that trophy back to the farm.

Following her back to ask what happened, I found out that Big Macintosh got hurt, and was unable to help with Applebuck Season. So Applejack, the Element of Honesty, honestly believes she can handle that entire orchard by herself. This ought to be good.

So I was in the middle of reading this really great erotic novel later that day when Rainbow came crashing down on my balcony, after being catapulted into the air by Applejack. What, is AJ made of dark matter or something? And I was just getting to the good part.

Later on, she helped Pinkie poison half the town. I mean, I really couldn't understand why they would let such a thing happen. Why in Equestria would they let that druggie anywhere near a kitchen? Are they crazy? No wonder half the town got sick. Those muffins were probably filled with some of her stash.

And to top things off, Fluttershy's new generation of slave bunnies got free and rampaged across town. Clearly, she needs to keep her slave population under control. I'll suggest a whip to her next time I see her.

So I guess the whole point I'm trying to make is this: Big Macintosh must be a fucking beast.

I mean, Applejack didn't even get a quarter of the orchard bucked, and Big Macintosh covers the rest? I mean damn, if we do make food out of the useless cows, we can call it the Big Mac. That would be the best sandwich ever.

Your hungry former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Winter Wrap Up

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Winter Wrap Up

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned one of the most interesting things about Ponyville.

Winter only lasts one day.

Yep, you heard me right. I went to bed last night, not a flake of snow on the ground. Not even when I got up a little early to help with this annual event. But during those few hours of more sleep, BAM, white shit got everywhere. So every year after it snows, Ponyville has an annual event where they clear the snow that covers everything for one whole day. I think they call it global warming.

As you know, nothing gets a town in the mood for melting snow quite like a full length musical number. After that, we were all set to go. At first I wanted to help Rainbow gather up the birds that had flown south for one day. But I misplaced that stupid butterfly wings spell, so she had to leave without me. I went to ask Rarity if I could help making the returning birds some nests, because they totally can't do it themselves. Lazy fuckers. Spike said they could use it as an outhouse, which would be a huge improvement, since they shit on my doormat every morning.

After that, I tried skating with Pinkie. She hallucinated about being a twinkie, and then because Spike kept on messing me up, we ended up making a two pony one dragon snowman. Pinkie clearly had the lakes under control, so I went to be a second animal alarm clock for Fluttershy. Problem was, the bitch was waking up all the cute animals herself, and I was stuck with all the snakes, bats, and bees. We should have given that Filly the Exterminator show a call.

Because of those damn bees, I had to take a blood ritual bath. After that, I went over to Sweet Apple Acres, where they were clearing the snow. I envy the Everfree Forest, where the damn snow melts itself. I tried a come-to-life spell, but after my plow smacked my ass, I got distracted, and ended up causing an avalanche. That damn fax machine blamed me when the idea was his for using magic. For some reason, Rarity spent the whole damn day trying to fix my outhouse when she could have just thrown it out and continued slaving for those feathered fuckers.

As the whole town started arguing, I used a few big words to get them to shut up, and put them all to work. The nests got built, the fields plowed and seeded, the animals woken up, and Rainbow Dash's weather team got a tornado going and flung all the snow over to the next town, so it's Molestia's problem now.

Let's see that sexual deviant wrap winter up on time now.

Your organized former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Owl's Well That Ends Well

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Owl's Well That Ends Well

Dear Princess Celestia,

Because I've been in Ponyville for quite some time now, I've had to find more ways to entertain myself. So this time, I wanted to see what happens when Fax Machine has a jealous meltdown. I just had to wait for the right opportunity, and opportunity just happened to knock after the meteor shower in the form of an owl. He worked so hard on the picnic at the meteor shower that he slept in the next morning. He freaked when he got up. But my new assistant helped out with his chores. Because of all the hard labor and slave conditioning I've put him through, Fax Machine immediately feared of being replaced. Hey, if Owlowiscious can do a better job than him, I'll just chain him up in the basement and make him send my letters to your lazy ass.

The first step was to put Owlowiscious on an even level with Fax. So I had Rarity make another jewel-encrusted bowtie for him, like the one she made for Fax at the meteor shower. It worked perfectly.

Not only is Owlowiscious good at making other assistants jealous, he can drive that jealousy so far to drive others to vandalism! The thing is, I was planning on having him steal and destroy Opal's mouse toy just to see what would happen, but in his jealous rage, Fax Machine did it instead. I mean, how hilarious is that? Then he found a book of mine that he sneezed in. So I told him I was disappointed in him and left him to feel all alone and unloved. Hysterical, I know!

When I got back to the library later, he was gone. While at first I found it funny, I then realized that I had essentially traded free labor for free labor. What I really wanted was double the free labor, so my owl and I set off to find him. We caught up with him in a cave, about to be violated by another dragon. Imagine that, he can't even get along with his own kind.

Owlowiscious then used his Fucking Awesome Sonar power. I knew Fax Machine was too pathetic to help out, even though dragons are supposed to have great vision during the day, and even better vision at night.

Eh, what the fuck to I care? I have double the labor force now.

Your slave owning former student,
Twilight Sparkle

The Last Roundup

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

The Last Roundup

Dear Princess Celestia,

I would like to talk about a handicapped filly here in Ponyville. Her name is Derpy, and she's one of Ponyville's mailmares. She performs her job well enough, I have never had any of my non-royal mail delivered late. But there's just something...different about her.

I first noticed her along with everypony else at my welcome party. Her eyes were just a bit...off. She didn't say anything to me that night, not that I stayed downstairs for very long. After that, I saw her around and about, and didn't really have any direct interaction until she dropped a flowerpot, bale of hay, anvil, and piano on my head during my time of spying on Pinkie. I think that's when she was fired from the moving company and got a job delivering the mail. At least she's found something she's good at now.

But now, Rainbow's told me of a situation that happened this morning, and I just have a hard time believing it. In this town full of hicks and rednecks, I can't believe that Derpy was responsible for ALL the damage to town hall. Furthermore, on a day like that, how did Derpy get a hold of a storm cloud? It was a beautiful day out. Also, I'm surprised at the destructive capabilities of her ass. What's with the cutie mark, anyway? I admittedly do not understand the significance of the bubbles. Did she swallow laundry detergent? That...would actually explain a lot.

So this pony really hasn't done anything to deserve what I hear is coming. I've heard talks about getting together a pool fund to pay for corrective surgery on her eyes and vocal chords. How fucking insensitive can you get? That would change who she is, and above all, why? How do her eyes and voice affect anyone in the town?

What these stupid fucking degenerates are doing is essentially teaching their fillies that ponies who don't look or sound normal should hide these features or correct them. After all, why should we have to accept these ponies for who they are?

Oh, and Applejack went to some rodeo and didn't even win a single event. Kinda pathetic, if you ask me.

Your perfectly normal former student,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

So what do you think, your Highness? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga? Chimicherry? Cherrychanga?

Your loyal kumquat,
Pinkie 'Pickle Barrel' Pie

Apple Family Reunion

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Apple Family Reunion

Dear Princess Celestia,

So I hear the Apples are having a family reunion. Gee, I wonder how much inbreeding will take place during that.

Your former student who is not from down south,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You're one to talk, Miss I-Want-My-Brother-To-Fuck-Me-Senseless.

-Applejack

P.S. Pa, I hope you're enjoying the afterlife. Who would've thought that your floozy of a marefriend would make you climax so hard it'd give you a heart attack?

~Racist barn, racist barn
One, two, three, four
Let's build upon this redneck farm,
One, two, three, four
Up up up, prejudice
We won't reconsider this
This new barn'll draw quite the crowd
But Zecora's not allowed

Games Ponies Play

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Games Ponies Play

Dear Princess Celestia,

I cannot believe I actually paid Spike to take care of my owl. I could've had him deliver mail for Hoofwarts for an afternoon, or drop him off with that Blythe girl, I hear she's quite good with pets. Spike of course complained that he didn't get invited along, but I couldn't have him running around trying to eat the Crystal Meth citizens.

So we meet up with Cadance, and Pinkie dives into her Gak pool. After that, we go to the train station with the description of 'somepony with flower print luggage.' Did we confirm the name? Nope. Did we grab the first pony with flower luggage? Yep.

Fate would have it that the actual games inspector would get a massage with the pony from Mustangia, and tell her about our ruse of a welcome. Which, in her 'expert' opinion, amounts to the first unvarnished, unrehearsed, and unbiased appraisal of a potential host of the Equestria Games.

Except that our welcome was varnished.

And rehearsed.

And biased.

But because we gave it to the wrong pony it was none of those things. That totally makes sense.

So congratulations, Princess Cadance Not-Evil-Good-Pony. Your city won the Equestria Games. You know, I honestly think that competition should really be about the best of the best athletes. Not just the ones who haven't gone pro, because that's kind of bullshit if you ask me. Just because ponies get paid for their athleticism, doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to compete in the games. Fuck that. I'd rather make money.

Your cheerleading former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.- Rarity, you have got to make those porcupine manestyles a thing. It actually looked kinda badass.

Hiatus Finale: The Legend

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Finale

The Legend

Critique not the consoles
Their graphics, price, or lighting
Lest their fancolts wreak destruction
Upon the forum in which they clash

Though the gamer's great guardian
Shall rise to quell the fighting
Alone it's ban shall fail
Lest the earth shall turn to Mash

Into thine hooves
Play together all three
Their powers combined
Match the P of the C

From the trio of consoles
DLC shall you take
For between start and end
All the difference it makes

Climb into bed this fight shall be long
And your mom will reveal her sexiest thong

Author's Note

Yeah, not much. Just something I thought up at work tonight, what with the PS4 releasing and all.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 1

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

So today, to prepare for the next Summer Sun Celebration, Rainbow Dash was helping me with my flying. I had to really improve on solo flying, because my brother can't throw me all the time like he did at the end of the coronation.

Becoming a Princess finally got me out of Ponyville. And my very own stained glass window! The others had to get back down to Ponyville because Mayor Mare wanted to pretend that Ponyville still mattered because it already had its turn as the host for the celebration. I may have to work on my flying, but my acting was top notch, acting all sorrowful as they went back down to town.

While Fax Machine was all competent with his checklist, in order to try to come up with an excuse to go back down to ponies who actually gave a shit about him occasionally, I wasn't falling for it. After you checked in, I decided to go over everything one more time to avoid returning to Ponyville. But then, all of a sudden, the two of you go missing, leaving me in charge! Fuck yeah!

Down in Ponyville, Applejack and her family were trying to remove weeds, Fluttershy's animals were being pussies, and Sweetie Belle thought something was wrong with her horn. You know, because it was actually working.

Flying back down to see what was going on was quite the adventure. Although I'd like to know where that seat belt came from. But that landing couldn't have been better. So everypony pretty much figures that Discord was behind it all, so we summon him right in the middle of a bath. Of course, he denied it again and again, while only Fluttershy was willing to give him any credit. You see, that's the problem with friendship, you can't jump right to the conclusion. You need “proof” and all that shit.

So after being chased out of her home, Zecora thought she could get away with moving into Ponyville. But she wasn't a complete freeloader, she traded a vial of exotic dragon semen, which really tasted fantastic. Drinking it gave me quite the hallucination; a flashback of Luna finally getting sick of your shit, and attempting to overthrow you.

Fuck yes. Where can I get more of this stuff?

Your cum-filled former student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Flight To The Finish

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Flight To The Finish

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today had to have been one of the greatest days of my life! We handed Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon their asses, and we get to represent Ponyville in the Equestria Games! I'm really glad Rainbow Dash, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle showed up at the orphanage to cheer me up.

I also learned that just because you have wings, doesn't mean you have to use them. I now know for a fact that I'm fucking awesome on my scooter. So just what is it going to take to get my damn cutie mark? Jump over Ghastly Gorge?

So now I have to go let my friends Aurora and Orion know that we can finally stop stressing over that flight test in Cloudsdale.

Sincerely,
Scootaloo

P.S. I can't believe Snips and Snails thought they had a chance.

Dear Scootaloo,

Hey, it could happen!

Only on The Hub!

-Snips and Snails

Dear Granny Smith,

Way to high hoof the friend of your granddaughter, then proceed to completely ignore your granddaughter.

-AB

APPLICATION FOR AMENDED BIRTH CERTIFICATE

REQUIRED INFORMATION

Applicant's Name: Rainbow Danger Dash

Mailing Address: 269 Cumulus Lane

City: Ponyville State: Equestria

New Name of Registrant: Rainbow Professionalism Dash

Full Name of Father: Stormcloud Dash

Full Maiden Name of Mother: Firefly Flutter

Pinkie Apple Pie

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Pinkie Apple Pie

Dear Pinkie,

You do realize that the only reason the Apples considered you a part of their family is so there'd be one more pony to rut, right?

You see, when a family like that gets horny...

Well, stop by the library when you've got time. This isn't the most appropriate thing to discuss in a letter. Although I must admit, when you went over the waterfall, it was quite impressive how the only thing you lost was 35 pounds of bacon.

Nice photo of Big Mac's ass though. Damn I want that.

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Applejack,

Cousin! Let's go bowling!

-Pinkie

~We travel the highway of information
And then an idea spawned
We write and we post our fine narration
On our Fimfiction and beyond

We're cloppers forever, cloppers together
Horse sex but so much more
Appledashers have you read O's story
Where AJ is a whore?

There's no place that I'd rather flee
When Twilight's at the li-brary
Friends all around come join with me
As we chase her out of our land

We're shippers forever, shippers together
Our OTP's we adore
For BDSM, strap them tight in leather
And leave subs red and sore

Now we're not perfect, nowhere close, sweet pea
But at least we're better than EqD
Haters may say we'll burn for our sin
But just keep on writing, shipping for the win!

Writing's more fun with your favorite kink
Like shipping Rainbow with the kitchen sink
I need some more, come on send the link
As we touch ourselves 'til we're mad

We're clopping together, taking forever
This climax is a chore
Whenever we come, we will face the weather
We're cloppers to the core

Twilight Time

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Twilight Time

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
LIBRARY CONTROVERSY!

Ponyville received another helping of controversy this week when Twilight, furious with the invasion of schoolhouse students into Golden Oaks Library, passed a bill titled the "Magical Freedom Act", effectively barring pegasi and earth ponies from the library.

"It's quite sad, really," offered local farmer Applejack. "These fillies were actually wanting to spend time with the Princess. Clearly, they're too young and naive to realize what a cuntnugget she really is."

"The library contains books, which can only be used effectively by those with the appropriate intellect. Pegasi are lightweight, so the mass of their minds cannot possibly be high enough, and earth ponies have always been more brawn than brains." Princess Twilight Sparkle claimed in defense of the bill.

Those who believe the bill legally enables discrimination have not sat quietly. The manager of the local Hay King has responded by putting up a sign that says "NO PRINCESSES ALLOWED", while Rainbow Dash has convinced the Cloudsdale government to pass the Aerial Freedom Act, barring all unicorns and earth ponies from the city of clouds, obviously unaware that those races were only there for last year's Best Young Flier competition, and that the bill is absolutely useless.

Other Ponyville activists have petitioned Mayor Mare to veto the Magical Freedom Act, as well as continuing to ask Princess Celestia to limit the powers Princess Twilight has within the town.

To the Hay King General Manager,

Do you like bananas?

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia of Equestria

Hello and welcome to Hay King!

NO ~~PRINCESSES~~ PURPLE ALICORNS ALLOWED!

Maud Pie

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Maud Pie

Dear Diary,

So my sister Maud has decided to visit before going off on a research trip towards her rocktorate degree. So I brought everypony together to taste test for the necklaces we always make together. Talk about eye rock candy.

But to my dismay, everypony was having a really hard time bonding with her when she arrived. I guess I kinda left the fact that she's an introvert out of the equation. She never has much to talc about, but it's still gneiss having her here. These candy necklaces are gonna be the schist! It just goes to prove that you should never take your sister for granite. The way she flew through that igneous obstacle course to smash that boulder to pieces totally rocked!

So when she left for her research trip, things got a bit sedimental, and we all gave and traded candy necklaces.

I'm just glad the people watching us got to see this episode that was written by a new writer! Finally, someone with a clean slate!

Pinkie Pie

Dear Diary,

Thank Celestia Maud didn't stay. For a moment there I was afraid there'd be a seventh added to the group and we'd have to change up the theme song.

Twilight Sparkle

~Twilight Sparkle is a bitchy princess
Trying so hard to get a good fuck
Applejack is a background farmer
Spending all day giving trees the buck
Rarity is a fashion designer
Sewing up threads for the perfect look
Rainbow Dash is a weather pony
Napping during work with her Daring Do book
Fluttershy is an animal sitter
Never taking any of that bunny's shit
Pinkie Pie is a partying junkie
Going insane for that next hit
And then there's Maud!
And then there's Maud!
That boulder-punching, pebble-munching, anything-but-candy crunching,
Right on, Maud!

Leap of Faith

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Leap of Faith

Dear Mom and Dad,

Why the fuck did you name us Flim and Flam? Were we a joke from birth? Maybe if you actually named the two of us after something honest, we would have been able to do something with our lives.

Because maybe you didn't notice, but what you name your offspring kinda has a small effect on what cutie marks they get. What other names did you pass up? Sham and Scam?

So I guess we'll just have to continue using dishonest means to sell our products.

Thanks for nothing,
Flim and Flam

FOAL FREE PRESS
RACISM IN PONYVILLE

The Golden Oaks Library was struck by lightning last night after Rainbow Dash claimed she was sick and tired of all the racist remarks from Princess Twilight Sparkle. Responding to the increasing unrest, Celestia has insisted Twilight issue a formal apology.

She has done so in the form of a new charity; the Flip Flap Wing Ding Foundation for Sensitivity to Pegasi or Whatever.

When Applejack inquired as to an Earth Pony charity, Twilight simply scoffed and walked back inside.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Researching The Crystal Heart

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Research Notes: The Crystal Heart

Dear Princess Cadance,

I think the contractor for this castle must have been a crystal pony, this thing contrasts so badly with the rest of Ponyville that it may as well be me.

Anyway, I was killing some time doing some research, and something came to my mind about the Crystal Heart.

I noticed both after we defeated King Sombra, and when the Crystal Empire was announced as the locale for the games, the heart lit up and shot lights across the sky.

So if it's a representation of the love and joy of your citizens, does it light up at all when your crystal ponies have orgasms?

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

To my sister-in-law Twilight,

Yes, the Crystal Heart has been known to flicker a few times through the night. I just wish I could see it when Shining is rutting me. He's an amazing lover.

Not that you'd know anything about that.

Sincerely,
Princes Mi Amore Cadenza

P.S. I hope Spike isn't eating too much of your castle.

Dear Cadance,

No worries. Fluttershy taught me Dragonrend last week. It's worked absolute wonders.

-Twilight

Oh good. As for your overzealous needs and desires, have you tried a mime pony?

They'd be able to do unspeakable things to you.

Author's Note

Yes, that's right. Hiatus bonus chapters are back.

Now to wait to see how long it is before people point out that this is being updated while on hiatus.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Herduson's Holiday Sales Are A Riot

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
HERDUSON'S HOLIDAY SALES ARE A RIOT!

While most businesses across Equestria are waiting until Friday to start their sales and bargains for Hearth's Warming Eve shopping, most businesses in Herduson are jumping the gun, and offering unbeatable deals across town, with most businesses offering 100% off. Not only are there doorbuster deals to be had, but in many cases, windowbusters as well.

"The only better deal would be to pay them to take products for free, and that's just not smart business," said the Zebra owner of Stripes Potions.

The jump-started holiday sales come off the heels of the announcement that there would be no indictment against the unicorn law enforcement officer who killed zebra Whiten Black during an altercation. As riots broke out after sundown, business owners put a twist on the unraveling chaos.

"We have to paint this in the best light possible. After all, if word got out that zebras were destroying their own community, no sane business owner would dare stay in this town. So as far as we're concerned, these are peaceful protests alongside chaotic holiday shopping, so I honestly don't see the problem here."

Bonus Chapter: Trotflix Comedy Controversy

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
TROTFLIX COMEDY CONTROVERSY

Select employees of Trotflix, the largest media producer in Equestria, staged a walkout today after taking issues with the content in Hay Cloppelle's newest comedy special, The Clopper. Mr. Cloppelle is accused of 'punching down' at the LGBT community, which has ironically made more strides in the past few decades than arguably any other marginalized group of equines.

"I don't 'punch up' or 'punch down', I just punch. I'm an equal opportunity offender," Cloppelle stated when asked for his response to the protests.

We reached out to local stand-up comic Maud Pie for her input to the controversy.

"Jokes are funny," was her only thought on the matter.

Princess Twilight Sparkle had considerably more to say.

"I don't get it. Does Trotflix not have any applications pending? Give these confused fragile bozos the boot and bring in some new, fresh talent. It could only improve the quality of their content anyway, when the ponies currently protesting base everything on identity instead of actual skill when it comes to filmmaking and comedy."

Despite pressure, Trotflix continues to air The Clopper.

Author's Note

Been awhile since I've offended anypony with this story.

Let's change that.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Transrace Pony Commits Suicide

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
THE FOAL FREE PRESS
OHAYO TRANS-RACE PONY COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER LACK OF SUPPORT

A teenage pegasus' life ended tragically over the weekend as she stepped off of the edge of her cloud home over Ohayo, Equestria, and plummeted to her death. Before this event, she had mailed out a suicide note to the Coltlumbus Times, who then forwarded it to publications across the country.

Lilah Alicorn, despite her name, described herself as a "unicorn trapped inside a pegasus' body", and said that her Celestian parents were not supportive at all, refusing to give consent for transition. They pulled her out of public flight school and kept her at home away from her friends.

Supporters of Lilah have referred to her as a magic-wielding unicorn, while her mother continues to call her a pegasus.

"My death needs to mean something." The suicide note said. Many, pegasi and unicorns alike are calling for the parents to be held responsible for Lilah's death.

"These ponies failed as parents, as Celestians, and especially as decent ponies. They would apparently prefer a dead pegasus daughter than a happy unicorn daughter. Didn't the Flip Flap Wing Ding Organization teach them anything?"

While the situation continues to unfold, a candlelight and hornlight vigil is scheduled to be held in Coltlumbus later in the week.

Author's Note

Even if you're nowhere near Columbus, grab a candle if you're able.

StandUpForLeelah

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Racial Freedom Restoration Act Passed

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Racial Freedom Restoration Act Passed

FOAL FREE PRESS
NEW PONYVILLE LAW GRANTS RACIAL FREEDOM TO BUSINESS OWNERS

Today, Princess Twilight signed a controversial bill behind closed doors that proponents claim will bring racial freedom to business owners of Ponyville. In laypony's terms, a business owner can refuse service to a customer on racial and religious grounds. The bill has been highly controversial.

"SB101? More like BS101," offered resident farmer Caramel, one of the ponies opposed to the bill's passing.

"This isn't about discrimination. This new bill will allow ponies to run their businesses without compromising their religious beliefs," Princess Twilight defended.

Opponents still claim the bill is too broad, claiming many will use it for discriminatory purposes.

"No wings, no horns, no service!" Was the main chant outside the Friendship Castle by satirical protesters.

"Oh please. Whenever a unicorn mentions freedom of religion, they really mean Celestianity." claimed Lyra Heartstrings, leader of the Denomination of Anthropomorphic Believers.

Bloom and Gloom

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Bloom and Gloom

Dear Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo,

Alright, that's it. I can't take it anymore. I don't get paid overtime for this shit.

You, cripple. Get on your scooter and do tricks until you get your stunt pony cutie mark.

You, wannabe robot, go to the next Equestrian Idol tryouts.

And you, product of farm pony incest. Start working with wood. No, not that kind of wood, the other kind. Carpentry. Build stuff like you're the second coming of Haysus.

Now if that's all, I really must be going. You three have seriously cut into our pornography shoot we had scheduled in Twilight's dreams.

Sincerely,
Luna, who is going to clock out now.

Dear Princess Luna,

I seem to have misplaced my OC. I'm wondering if it may have gotten lost in somepony else's dream. I'd be most appreciative if you can look around for him.

I can offer you my extermination services for Canterlot Castle.

Sincerely,
Dale Gribble

P.S. Twittermites aren't really that bad to deal with.

Celestia help you if you get an infestation of tumblrmites though. Those can be hell to get rid of.

Dear Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo,

Please don't hesitate to let me know if Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon give you any more trouble.

Because according to my cutie mark, I can cut a bitch now.

Sincerely,
Babs

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: Gaming Event PONE3 Underway in Los Pegasus

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
Gaming Event PONE3 Under Way in Los Pegasus

The Los Pegasus Convention Center is swarming with gamers of all ages as PONE3 2015 is halfway through it's annual show. Held every year since 995 CE, PONE3 is the chance for game developers, both large and small, to showcase their biggest titles being made, most coming within the next year.

First up was Littlesoft's press conference covering their Xbox Pone. While starting off with campaign footage of Haylo 5 Gardeners, the biggest announcement would be the reveal of backwards compatibility with their previous console.

Next was the other end of the console wars with the Haystation 4 manufacturer, Sony Pony. The biggest applause came for the oft-requested remake of the highly acclaimed wedding simulator, Bridal Fallacy 7. There were some technical difficulties at the end when they demoed Shining Armor's fourth game, Unguarded 4: A Royal Captain's End.

Large amounts of hype is in the air for the highly anticipated janitorial slaughterhouse Broom 4. Main character Broomguy rampaged throughout an industrial complex destroying hellspawn left and right. But the game is not without its detractors. Founder of Feminist Delinquency, reformed prostitute Juanita Fucks-Easily said ponies cheering for the extreme violence was downright sickening. Regardless, Broom 4 is anticipated to sell millions of copies across Equestria.

It's not just ponies coming together for the gaming either. Interracial extreme sports game Pony Hawk Pro Scooter 5 is also slated for release later this year.

Amending Fences (Bonus Chapter)

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dear Princess Celestia,

Enclosed in this box, you will find every smutty romance novel in Ponyville. Under no circumstances should you ship them back down here.

Twilight learned a new magic trick. I don't think I need to go into further detail than that.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Tails,

Thanks for teaching me this flying technique! Gas prices have been a little high, so I can't take the Pinkiecopter everywhere I'd like.

Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie

Dear Lemon Hearts,

Just how did you get your head stuck in that beaker?

-Moondancer

Dear Moondancer,

I think you mean erlenmeyer flask.

-Lemon Hearts

Dear Equestria Immigration Board,

Hello, Hiro Hamada from the Big Hero 6 team in San Fransokyo. We're missing one of our team members. She was last seen falling through a mirror. We're wondering if you've seen her. Her name is Honey Lemon, and she claims she's looking for a beaker she lost a few years ago.

Flask, whatever.

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

Sincerely,
Hiro Hamada,
Big Hero 6 Captain

Author's Note

In my opinion, that cutie mark confirms the reference.

Canterlot Boutique

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Canterlot Boutique

Dear Rarity,

Oh, so I guess that one costume design gig in Manehattan was enough of a thanks for giving you the key that unlocked your Rainbow Power? You just go and hire some other shallow manager for your new store?

Fine, I see how it is.

Sincerely,
Coco Pommel

Attention Canterlot shoppers:

Please note the store signage clearly states Canterlot Boutique, not Canterlot Buffet. We had one mare come in who wanted to eat the Princess Dress. What was her name; Tumblrina... Tumble Hooves...Whoa Nelly... We never did catch it.

We pointed her in the direction of a Haywatchers.

Thank you, and we apologize for any inconvenience.

-Canterlot Boutique Management

Dear Rarity,

I stood in line for hours to see your store, and I can safely say that it wasn't worth the weight.

Sincerely,
Tumblrina

Dear Twilight,

I've had it with this damn town. If Rarity's new store showed us one thing, it's that we're all obsessed with being princesses.

So like, can I move in with you? Because that's an awfully big castle you've got there, to have all to yourself.

~~Love~~ Sincerely,
Moondancer

Author's Note

So, when can I sleep on the sidewalk to get my new $100 stylus?

Rarity Investigates

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Rarity Investigates

Frank,

I'd like to be kept on the Canterlot Market delivery route, I'm about to hit the jackpot. I figure if I offer to "correct" Rarity's orders enough times, I'll probably be able to bone her for my time.

Dear Rainbow Dash,

So because I worked so hard to keep you in the Wonderbolts, I'd say we're finally even for that time we kidnapped you and put you in my basement 30 days before you were accepted, right?

Sincerely,
Rarity

Dear Princess Celestia,

Since my relinquishing of my Captaincy, I've really started to hear some strange stories about the direction Canterlot's Royal Guard is heading in.

Are you seriously letting them choose the color of their plumes now?

Sheesh. I really was holding that outfit together, wasn't I?

Sincerely,
Shining Armor

Author's Note

Yeah, so I've fallen a week behind here, and no idea if I'll catch up this week.

Also, don't expect a Friendship Games letter until I get the uncut version on Blu-ray.

Scare Master

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Scare Master

Dear Fluttershy,

So let me get this straight. As long as I've known you, you've helped out a manticore, given an adult dragon a stern talking to, scared the shit out of an entire garden's worth of animals, given one of the most intense bear massages I've ever seen, reformed the God of Chaos, turned into a vampegasus, and talked your way out of a seminar debt.

In spite of all that, when left to your own devices, the scariest thing you can come up with is an awkward social situation?

Sincerely,
Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Fine. I'm sure I can do better. Give me some time to plan for next year.

-Fluttershy

Dear Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack,

Next year, my haunted house will not involve a dark dusty dining room, or a corn maze.

It'll be the royal bedroom of Twilight's castle, rumored to be haunted by the horniest Princess ever.

Looking forward to next year!

-Fluttershy

Dear Applejack,

Hello? You're the Element of Honesty.

So clearly, you can't be Lion.

-Pinkie Pie

Dear Princess Celestia,

Is there something wrong with the calendars you sent out this year? Last I checked, Hearth's Warming Eve comes before Nightmare Night.

Unless I'm going crazy. Come to think of it, I'm getting some major deja vu here. Could've sworn this all happened six weeks ago.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Crowns and Childbirth

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Hiatus Bonus Chapter
Crowns and Childbirth

Dear Princess Twilight,

Hey Twilight, Sunset here.

Principal Celestia noted that although you came to get your crown back from me, you never brought back the replica that I left in it's place, the one that's actually supposed to be given to the Fall Formal Princess. The school budget has gotten pretty tight, and she's wondering if you can send that over here at your earliest convenience.

Your student,
Sunset Shimmer

Not now, Sunset. Princess Cadance just gave birth, and quite frankly, I'm trying to figure out how the fuck her marehood is still intact. I mean, the horn and wings on this thing are just... Sweet Celestia...

I also have to go put Scootaloo on suicide watch so yeah, it's gonna be busy for awhile, and I won't be able to get you that crown back for a bit. Sorry.

-Twilight

Yeah, same thing happened here too. Nine months after the Friendship Games, even. I guess Dean Cadance and Shining Armor were doing something... Else... When they went to go get Principal Cinch's contact sheet for Everton.

-Sunset

Author's Note

Gauntlet of Fire

Gauntlet of Fire
by milesprower06
Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Spike,

I don't get it. From what you told me, these ponies treat you like shit. What the hell gives? Why not let Garble get the scepter and rob them blind and burn their cities to the ground?

Princess Ember

Dear Ember,

Correction; one of them treats me like shit. And it's worth it to see her countless failed sexcapades.

Besides, one of the dragons was right.

We have a lot of pillows.

-Spike

Dear "Princess" Spike,

Stop staying with weak ponies.

Your one dimensional dragon bully,
Garble

Dear Garble,

Well ain't karma a bitch, eh, Garble? Pretty sure you broke all your bones and your pride in that gauntlet. Plus, as a bigger bonus, I get to humiliate you by making you hug dragons who will most likely murder you later for breaching their personal space.

Take that, tough guy!

Thankful,
Dragon Lord Spike

Dear Rarity,

You just had to wear that obnoxious perfume. We were nearly spotted while I was doing valuable research!

A pissed off researcher,
Doctor Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You and I both know that your research is finding which dragon had the biggest dick for your worthless cunt.

Annoyed,
Rarity

P.S. Why did you have to drag me along then?!

Dear Crystal Ponies,

Forget WrestleMane-ia. Check out the new overhyped show: "Wipe Out: Dragon Edition."

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Heil Spike! HEIL SPIKE!!!!
-Crystal Ponies

Dear Princess Ember,

If you're still wondering how we got to each location so quickly...

Teleportation Magic. Duh!

That's why we Alicorns are better than weak minded dragons.

Your Overpowered Alicorn,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Ember,

That's my armor, you cunt. Don't forget who owns your ass.

Your angry master,
Valka

Dear Dragon Lord Ember,

Hey, call me.

I'll hold your basket anytime.

I'm getting pretty tired of fawning over Rarity without her putting out.

-Spike

Author's Note

Wish I had more images for you this time around, but either my internet is being retarded, or Derpibooru's servers are. One of the two.

But hey, a Spike episode that was halfway decent!

Bonus Chapter: Princess Twilight Discriminated Against?

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
PRINCESS DISCRIMINATION IN PONYVILLE?

PONYVILLE - Princess Twilight is attempting to use her royal standing to fight back against a measure taken against her by Mayor Mare, who has assigned the Princess of Friendship a "trans-race" bathroom for her use near other public facilities near town hall.

"This is blatant and disgusting discrimination. You don't see separate facilities for unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. Why the hell are Alicorns singled out?"

Princess Sparkle's position is currently failing to gain momentum among the Ponyville public, seeing as how she's the only Alicorn in town.

We reached out to the Mayor's office for a comment:

"We are not discriminating against Alicorns. This measure was taken to spare the rest of Ponyville's mares from the Princess' poor toilet habits. We've lost five custallions in the past three months. We can't keep anypony on the payroll for any reasonable amount of time. It's rather puzzling; she can aim that horn of hers perfectly; why can't she aim her other end just as well? We hope this will persuade her to keep her "business" inside her castle, where we understand she has a custodian to incinerate it."

Bonus Chapter: Stallionford University Rape Case Sparks Outrage

THE FOAL FREE PRESS

The lenient sentencing of a Stallionford University student convicted of rape has caused an outrage all across Equestria.

The student, rustic culinary enthusiast Rock Burner was sentenced in his hometown of Ponyville last Tuesday. Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle presided over the case, and handed down a very lenient sentence of six months, after Rock and his father wrote letters begging for leniency, Rock claiming he'd been a victim of Stallionford's partying culture and that the cider made him do it.

In her response to the outrage, Princess Twilight Sparkle urged for calm, telling the crowds that the six-month sentence would be spent performing hard labor in her castle. She oddly kept emphasizing the word "hard."

The latest developments include Equestria Cooking banning Burner from all sponsored cooking competitions for life.

Bonus Chapter: Act of Terror In Prance

To the desk of the Foal Free Press Editor-in-Chief,

Please stop sending inquiries for my opinion on what everyone is calling the "nice terrorist attack" in Prance. Because right now, I'm really trying, and so far failing to understand this town.

For as long as I can remember, almost all Equestrians have been anti-terrorist, and now we're calling their attacks nice? When did that happen?

What is so nice about galloping into a firework-watching crowd with a carriage?

Further inquiries will be ignored. I'm much too busy dealing with an investigation into why I was sending letters with a private, unsecured dragon service.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville

Author's Note

Addendum: Further investigation has revealed that the carriage driver was not a terrorist, and that he was just playing Ponymon Go.

Buckball Season

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
SHOULD PATRIOTISM BE MANDATORY?

A fresh wave of controversy is erupting at sporting events across the nation, pitting matters of patriotism against peaceful protests.

It began in the up-and-coming National Buckball League as San Franciscolt 69'ers kicker Colton Kaeperneigh remained sitting during Equestrian's national anthem, as a peaceful protest against guard corruption and treatment of earth ponies. Supporters of Kaeperneigh applaud the kicker's actions, and include active duty guardsponies, and Equestrian Armed Forces.

"Freedom of expression is exactly what Equestria is all about. That includes sitting during the anthem."

Detractors claim it's grossly disrespectful of the sacrifices those in the armed forces have made. Several coaches of professional buckball teams have even mandated that everypony stand during the anthem as a sign of respect.

Others have a different point of view.

"If it's a matter of respect for you, that's fine." Began Appleloosa kicker Braeburn. "But that doesn't automatically make it a matter of respect to everypony else. Sitting during the anthem is a perfectly legal form of peaceful protest, it doesn't hurt anypony else, and to demand that patriotism be mandatory would make us no better than Fried Chik Un over in Ponyyang."

Author's Note

Forever Filly

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Mom and Dad,

HELP!!! SOS!!!! SOMEPONY!!! My sister is trying to put me in diapers. DIAPERS!!!

Your daughter,
Sweetie Belle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned three things.

Dogs grow up, ponies grow up, and when ponies grow up enough, sometimes they go through a very annoying phase called a "midlife crisis". For some ponies, it's more serious than others.

Your faithful subject,
Sweetie Belle

Dear Rarity,

If you're looking for a pony who is completely obsessed with their fillyhood and is currently unable to move past it, you should really talk to Starlight.

Your sister,
Sweetie Belle

FOAL FREE PRESS
FEATHER BANGS LAS PEGASUS CONCERT RUDELY INTERRUPTED

Cleanup efforts are under way in Las Pegasus after a pony in the Manticore Bay hotel began shooting spitballs at concertgoers across the street last Saturday night. Budding pop artist Feather Bangs was forced off stage as approximately 58 ponies were hit with spitballs as they ran for cover.

After determining what floor and room it was coming from, guards were able to breach the room, and the pegasus was forced to fly off to avoid capture. There are currently no suspects, although the investigation is still ongoing.

Author's Note

Parental Glideance

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher

Dear Bow Hothoof and Windy Whistles,

Could you adopt me?

Rainbow Dashs’ honorary sister,
Scootaloo

Dear best daughter ever,

Thanks for that private air show performance, but wasn't that name a bit of a mouthful?

Sincerely,
Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

It's a working title.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash

Dear Bow Hothoof,

Say, Scootaloo told us about that awesome door you installed to Rainbow's trophy room.

We're wondering if you could install one with a klaxon for Twilight's bedroom. So we know when to run for cover.

What do you charge for your services?

Sincerely,
Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Spike

Dear Scootaloo,

Thanks for helping us reconnect with our daughter.

Now, about that hole in my front lawn that you made on the way up here...

Sincerely,
Bow Hothoof

Author's Note

To Change A Changeling (Out of Order Edition)

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Trixie,

You shouldn't shout out the name of the spell you are casting before you cast it. Very ineffective if you are trying to escape your pursuer.

-Pharynx

Dear Pharynx,

Look, I'm sure it's difficult being the only conservative living amongst a sea of bleeding-heart liberals, but verbal recitation is one of the methods of casting that I'm fluent in. If you'd like to get your ass handed to you, give Starlight a try.

Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I tried most of your so called “friendship tactics” and none of them even worked!

Makes me wonder how such a bitch like you pulled it off.

Honestly. What gives?

Your ex-student,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear King Thorax,

Considering all the shit I went through thus far, I'd say that Equestria is not as peaceful as one would think.

You kind of made a bad decision casting off your last line of defence with your brother changing.

Seriously that scorpion thing looked deadly.

Your fellow ruler,
Princess Twilight

Dear Pharynx,

So, you focus on strength, deception, strategy and tactics as your whole lifestyle?

I like your style. You seem much more tough than that brother of yours. Wanna hang out?

Your new friend,
Dragon Lord Ember

Dear Pharynx,

Hey bro. If the Feelings Forums isn't your thing, why don't you meet me in my chambers tonight for some insect incest?

Love,
Thorax

Author's Note

Special thanks to Neo30 for pointing out that yes, I skipped this episode completely by accident.

The Maud Couple

Additional content written by MixMassBasher.

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Tell me again how in Equestria you convinced me to try out my material at the Bale of Laughs.

Sincerely,
Maud

Dear Maud,

Yeah, sorry. That crowd was considerably more… sober… than I expected.

-Pinkie Pie

To the Bale of Laughs Management,

I suppose you could say that this comedy club has hit rock bottom.

Sincerely,
Lyra and Bon Bon

Dear Ponyville,

You do realize you came to a surprise party that we threw for a piece of cardboard, right?

Sincerely,
Spike

Dear Spike,

I’m pretty sure that as long as there’s free food and booze, they’d come for a party for anything or anyone, even Twilight.

More booze than food, in Twilight’s case.

Sincerely,
Starlight

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You found Mudbriar weird enough to not get along well with? Karma's a bitch, isn't it? We had the same problem with Maud, remember?

-Rainbow, Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy and Applejack

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Here's a quote:
Stick and Stones may break your bones, so stay the fuck away from them!

Maud and Mudbriar are both happy. Just leave them be. Maybe you should get a special somepony yourself.

Your guidance counselor,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Look, sis, since it’s likely that somewhere in your schooling, your anatomy teacher failed you, let me tell you what Mudbriar has that you don’t.

A stick.

Sincerely,
Limestone Pie

P.S. Before you get any funny ideas of doing anything to Mudbriar, you sure you want to deal with Maud afterwards? You know that fire she gets in her eyes...

To Pinkamena Diane Pie,

Verily our daughter should know, ‘tis our job to show disapproval to our eldest daughter’s mate for she hath not yet used the Choosing Stone to see if she is to be betrothed to him.

Truly, thou shouldn't worry so much.

Sincerely,
Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Why are you so concerned about your older sister finding a special somepony? With her attitude, I doubt she'll be any fun in bed. She might probably sleep like a rock with how small Mudbriar’s stick is.

Besides, shouldn't you be concerned about your younger twin sister, Marble? Last Hearth’s Warming Eve, she tried to score herself a Big Mac.

Yours truly,
Applejack

Dear AJ,

Why would I worry about Marble? I've got a twin sense that tells me if my little twin sister is in trouble. Also, your brother's already taken. And if I recall, he's currently eating away at some of the sugar off of Sugarbelle, if you know what I mean.

Your friend,
Pinkie Pie

P.S. I still don't get the difference between “goodbye” and “see you later.” They're the same thing.

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Goodbye is used to express good wishes when parting or at the end of a conversation.

See you later is said when parting from someone but you may come across the pony again.

Your walking dictionary,
Sweetie Belle

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Your sister doesn't really like your shitty rock candy so why are you so surprised that she dislikes surprise parties?

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight

P.S. Did you really have to make a mess of my school when searching for your dumb sister!?

The Young Six were gathered together next to their lockers at the hallway looking at a familiar book.

“Where did you get that?” Silverstream asked.

“The trash bin from the teachers’ lounge,” Gallus replied boastfully.

“So, this dumb thing was the reason our lessons before were so boring!?” Smolder hissed out.

“Pretty much,” Gallus said.

“Yona thinks rule twelve is okay. Food taste great!” Yona commented.

“I like rule fourteen.” Ocellus uttered quietly.

“Rule seventeen kinda sucks, though,” Gallus pointed out.

The rest of the Young Six all nodded in agreement.

“Come on, we’ll be late for class,” Sandbar interrupted as he opened his locker.

“Maud! Where are you!” Pinkie shouted, popping out of the locker, covered in dirt from digging underground.

"Miss Pinkie Pie?” Ocellus squeaked out in surprise.

“What are you doing here? What’s going on?" Sandbar asked.

“Urgh!” Pinkie exclaimed, ignoring his comment when she realized her sister wasn’t there.

Instantly, Pinkie Pie zoomed out of the locker to the school exit, leaving the entire area covered in dirt in her wake.

"Yona hate dirt," Yona said as she spat out a chunk of it.

Dear Fax Machine,

Since you are of no use to me as a Fax Machine to Princess Bitchlestia anymore. You have now been promoted to Vacuum Cleaner. Your first job: start eating away at all the dirt around the school compounds because Pinkie decided to rampage around in search for her lackluster sister. Start sucking, Vacuum Cleaner.

Your Headmistress,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

DA SKOOL RULES (E.E.A Approved)

The proper rules and requirements for any school to meet the standards of the E.E.A.

11) Unless it is a school for pegasi, do not have the school high up in the sky using magic enchantments as it risks damaging any public property below it.

12) Pink Slime is to be served to students during lunchtime.

13) Students are entitled to a hundred and four days of summer vacation.

14) Libraries are supposed to be QUIET!!

15) Gifted Students are to watch out for Sentinels that may cause them harm.

16) Teachers are not allowed to conduct sextra credit should students want to improve their grades.

17) No running, flying or levitating in the hallways.

18) Should any student consistently cause trouble, send them to the Detention Dimension.

19) History lessons are no longer conducted due to recent events that have changed everything we know about the history of Equestria.

20) Due to budget cuts, schools will combine the academic decathlon with the athletic decathlon to form the Athledecamathalon.

-Page 2-

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Why is it when you meet an angry old ass like me, you’ll throw me an annoying welcome party, but not a weird and boring guy like Mudbriar?

Sincerely,
Cranky Doodle

Dear Cranky,

Because you’re not trying to bone my sister.

-Pinkie

Author's Note

Movie Magic (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)

Dear Princess Twilight,

Hi, once again, Princess Twilight. Things have been going smoothly since getting the funds for Camp Everfree. We even got awarded a chance to see the behind the scenes making of the upcoming Daring Do movie. The director; Canter Zoom, seemed a little over dramatic when things didn't go his way. Why weren't things going his way? Well, a certain friend kept interrupting the recording of the movie. Rainbow was being a self entitled prick, rambling about how one movie scene should look as though it was practically leaping off the pages of the Daring Do series.

They can have creative liberties, Rainbow. That's what they called show business. Get over it! Maybe if you joined the Canterlot Movie Club, you might have a better appreciation for what the director is doing.

Taking a break, AJ and I decided to look around in this coinky-dink world of a movie set. Although, for a high quality set for a Daring Do movie, they sure know how to litter the place with candy bar wrappers. Unless that one piece of litter is supposed to authenticate the one little detail mention in one little scene of a book. Back on set, they were shooting another scene that, I must say, had the most amazing effects. The movie set nearly killed its cast! Now, we only needed a large explosion to capitalize on this scene and we could complete this crapfest of a movie. Michael Bay approved.

Then, Rainbow comes running in screaming that all the relics were gone. Okay, so first the Daring Do costumes were missing, and now the relics were stolen!?! What a twist!

But who could have caused it? I'd suspect Rainbow. She's such a hardcore Daring Do fan that maybe she stole them as collectibles. Or, maybe not, as Rarity spotted a mysterious hooded figure that they decided to chase after while Fluttershy, Pinkie and I spied on a pampered movie star. Wow! What a smart idea. Most of them didn't even have their magical geodes and they didn't know if this culprit was armed and dangerous. Like I said, really smart. Sadly, they lost the guy by the time we reunited.

Seriously, Rainbow!?! How could you not fucking catch the guy, you air-headed numbskull!? Did you forget to charge your geode up with your own ego on the way here?

And the next thing I knew, I was pulled aside and put in a Mane-iac outfit. Eh. I prefer Marvel. But I'm keeping this sexy outfit…

It was then that we spotted the suspicious figure again. You would think for a person trying not to get caught red handed, they wouldn't just mysteriously stand in a corner staring at us instead getting the shit out of there! But I digress... The chase is on!

Catching said culprit proved to be a difficult task especially when we were all netted by the baddie. I could just picture Pinkie jokingly screaming, "Ahhh!! Nets! My one weakness." If she weren't so wrapped up in her pudding obsession that is somehow worse than Rarity binge eating ice-cream. Thankfully, Rainbow didn't get caught. Quickly! Get this net off of— and she left us... Of course she did. What a glory hog!

Great idea, Rainbow. Let's split up gang! That's sure to not end in disaster! But guess what? It did. For the fastest woman alive, you would think she'd had caught the thief. But instead, she gets locked up in a room.

And the award goes to Rainbow for most incompetent friend of the year!!! Congratulations!

If it was any consolation, we found the missing outfits. But no clue who is the culprit. And so the plot thickens... Then Sci-Twi cried out "Jinkies!” as she had already pieced together all the clues. All we had to do now was catch the hooded figure, which we obviously did. And the unmasked baddie turned out to be Juniper Montage. My second guess would have been the butler...

Turned out that she resented her uncle for not casting her as Daring Do in the movie, so she had the bright idea of jeopardizing the film's production and nearly endangering everyone's safety.

The shit people do to get famous, isn't that right, Rarity?

But what kind of half ass plan is that? It's as bad as trying to take over Equestria with just brainwashed teenag— wait, nevermind.

So, with the thief caught, we decided to let her uncle deal with her. It's not our responsibility, anyway. We're teenagers! Besides, it's not like she'll come back for revenge.

In the end, it was quite the job well done, if I do say so myself. We were even awarded background roles in the movie, which I'm pretty certain Applejack will have no difficulty portraying. Now, if we could only stop Rainbow from fangasming every time the movie is being recorded.

Your student,
Sunset Shimmer

"Hey, Twilight, who's this Sunset Shimmer?" Starlight Glimmer asked as she finished reading the glowing book she stumbled across.

"Nopony to be concerned about!" Twilight shouted rather suddenly.

"Okayyyy..." Starlight replied back.

Dear Sunset,

So... is the A. K. Yearling in your world actually Daring Do in disguise like in our world? ‘Cause that would be awesome!

Equestria’s number one Daring Do fan,
Rainbow Dash

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: Royal Tax Evaders?

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
PROJECT TEAPOT UNVEILED

Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville found herself the victim of an audit by the HEIRS, or Homeland Equestrian Internal Revenue Service, this past week, apparently the end goal of an underground 'Project Teapot' by the central valley townsponies.

The 'teapot' in Project Teapot is a code name for 'TPOT', itself an acronym of 'that princess over there'. When word got out that the Princess of Friendship was selling photos and film rolls of a sexually-based nature, several Ponyville citizens took it upon themselves to report her to the HEIRS tax authority up in Canterlot, urging them to investigate and see if Twilight Sparkle had been reporting that income.

HEIRS did return a request for a comment.

"While their intentions may have been good, in the end, it's a moot point. While she has not reported any earnings from her side business, we found out that it's because there is really no earnings to report; her pictures and films have made almost no money. The reports we found suggest that she has just one monthly customer, a 'Neko C'."

After wrapping up the investigation in Ponyville, the HEIRS decided to do a quick glance at the rest of the royals.

"Princess Luna's side business, on the other hoof, is making a killing. But seeing as her media takes the form of erotic dreams, they are deemed nontaxable. All in all, a pretty good waste of the last 72 hours."

Author's Note

Thought this one up during the clusterfuck that was my job tonight.

The End in Friend

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Rarity,

How could you not understand how to play the game at all?! I thought you like playing with balls.

Your ex-friend,
Rainbow

Dear Rainbow,

I would say the same to you. I thought you always dress in style.

Your ex-friend,
Rarity

Dear Rainbow and Rarity,

You forgot one more thing of why you're both friends. You're both attention whores.

Sincerely,
Headmistress Twilight

Dear Twilight,

You're one to talk. You're obsessed with balls and have a terrible track record of getting them anywhere near you in the first place.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash and Rarity

To Vacuum Cleaner,

Great job using the azurantium in the Amulet of Aurora to lead Rarity and Rainbow on a wild goose chase.

Now clean it all up.

Your Headmistress,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rivet,

As you oversaw the construction of the school and all connecting passages and doors, I really hope that that one secret swamp door was a fluke and not every door in this place can be opened with a stiletto heel.

If not, you've got some maintenance to do.

Sincerely,
Headmare Twilight Sparkle

To the desk of Headmare Twilight Sparkle,

You could bring in Manehattan's best construction team; you're not going to have much luck keeping out a unicorn that has Lockpicking at 100.

How else do you think she opens doors with a fucking shoe?

Sincerely,
Rivet, Owner of Ponyville Erections

P.S. No, not those kind of erections. I feel like I have to clarify that. Sorry.

Author's Note

Road to Friendship

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

To Guidance Counsellor Starlight,

Seriously? The one time that ponies are lining up to come to you for advice and you decide to avoid your duties and run off with your marefriend?! Hope you have a horrible time, then!

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

Oh, I doubt it will be the only time, trust me.

Sincerely,
Counselor Starlight

Dear Maud,

Could you fill in as guidance counselor while I help out Trixie with her show?

Your friend,
Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Sorry, I have a date with Mudbriar, but Boulder could help. He knows how to smooth out the sedimental types.

-Maud

Dearest Trixie and Starlight,

What I meant when I said you two should prove your friendship, I wanted you two to actually be fucking.

I do enjoy watching a good show.

Your always entertained spectator,
Hoo'Far

Dear Trixie and Starlight,

That was the shittiest friendship chant ever. Maybe Cadance and I should show you how it's done.

Don't worry. We'll be gentle.

Signed,
Headmare Twilight

Dear Sloppy Seconds Starlight,

You were already on a camping trip gone wrong, that has been done episodes ago. Why did you have to do road trip gone wrong, too?

Sincerely,
Pinkie "Apple" Pie

Dear Pinkie,

Are you afraid that I had a better road trip with a song than you did with the Apples?

It's okay, you can tell me. That's what a counselor is for.

Sincerely,
Starlight Glimmer

Author's Note

Father Knows Beast

Additional contributions by MixMassBasher.

Dear Hasbro,

Why did you give me a diet-tier fake parent?! I want to know my real dragon parentage!

Pissed off,
Spike

Dear Spike,

Are you sure you really want to get canon parents?

Sincerely,
Rainbow, Sunburst and Starlight

To Headmistress Twilight,

Since I've helped your assistant learn how to fly properly, can I get some extra credit in my friendship assignments?

Your student,
Smolder

To Smolder,

Let me think...

No.

Signed,
Headmistress Twilight

Dear Sludge,

Mooching off of others? I like your style. Let's hang out, dude.

Impressed,
Zephyr Breeze

Dear Ember,

Could you command a certain green and pudgy dragon to strangle himself to death?

Your friend,
Spike

Dear Spike,

No, but I can make him walk instead of fly, maybe the fatass can lose a few pounds that way.

Sincerely,
Ember

Dear Sludge,

Joor Zah Frul

Sincerely,
Ember

Dear Headmistress Twilight,

So there was somecreature in the castle that you actually didn't want to go down on?

Maybe we should have kept him around.

Sincerely,
Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Starlight

Author's Note

Bonus Chapter: A Business Opportunity

Dear Princess Twilight,

Hey, Twi. Sunset here. You told me to keep an ear to the ground for any inter-dimensional business opportunities.

Well, I've got one.

I need you to use whatever Princessly authority you've got, and raid every single hospital and pharmacy in Ponyville. Get me all the ivermectin you can get your hooves on, and send it through the portal.

Sincerely,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset,

Ivermectin? The de-worming medication? Just what the fuck is going on over—

Twilight,

Please don't ask. Just do it.

You want 20% of the profits? Because I'm potentially sitting on a Celestia-damned gold mine here.

Just get it to me.

-Sunset

Bonus Chapter: Spike v Sparkle

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
SPIKE THE DRAGON WINS DEFAMATION CASE AGAINST PRINCESS SPARKLE

A Ponyville jury has found Princess Twilight Sparkle guilty of defamation against Spike the Dragon in a groundbreaking case that has detailed the years of abuse the princess' assistant has endured at the hands of the Princess of Friendship.

"She took a dump on my bed while drunk and demanded I send the letter to Celestia," Spike testified as he detailed one particularly egregious example of domestic abuse.

Princess Sparkle, in a statement after the verdict was rendered, conceded that having Flim and Flam as her legal team might not have been the best of decisions.

"Twilight did say she wanted to eliminate all Earth Ponies-"
"Hearsay!"
"That was part of her testimony yesterday."
"Hearsay!"
"...Overruled."

Equally puzzling seemed to be Spike's choice of legal representation.

"I'm not a lawyer, but I played one during a tour in Las Pegasus," commented the dragon's lawyer Trixie Lulamoon.

Twilight's legal fees and compensation to Spike is quite expensive, numbering in the millions of bits, in addition to her fledgling acting career likely to never recover. Her latest appearance in the upcoming Aquamare 2 is already rumored to be heavily downplayed, if not cut out entirely following these revelations.

Author's Note

Special thanks to Kaidan for helping me whip this one up in fifteen minutes.

This verdict should be a huge symbolic victory to all men who have been in abusive relationships and were ignored or not believed purely because of their gender.

I hope the Pirates and Fantastic Beasts franchises never recover because those studios decided to side with rumors and hearsay before the truth came out.

Bonus Chapter: Oats vs Hay Overturned

FOAL FREE PRESS
OATS VS HAY OVERTURNED IN CANTERLOT

This morning in the capitol city of Canterlot, the Equestrian Supreme Court overturned a decades-old case protecting a mother's right to choose what to feed their newborn foals.

'Foals into dead guards!' was the primary chant being yelled outside Canterlot Castle in the hours following the court's decision, by those who believe feeding foals hay increases muscle density, and thus preparing them for a career in the Equestrian E.U.P. Guard.

"Seriously?" Chancellor Neighsay asked back when questioned by a reporter. "Since when has the life of a guard ever been remotely dangerous, aside from amazing alternate timelines that don't get nearly enough expanded looks?"

"'Ah can only hope that the news today pushes more and more ponies away from the big-box foal food providers, and towards more locally-sourced options, like applesauce," offered local Ponyville farmer Applejack. "Those corporate sleazebags need to be shown what the rest of Equestria thinks of their 'nutritional' authority."

Author's Note

I love it when my creative juices kick on when I'm pissed off at the world.

Fuck religion. That is all.

Thanks for reading!

Bonus Chapter: Disgraced Musician Goes Off Deep End

FOAL FREE PRESS
RADIO INTERVIEW SPARKS BACKLASH

Ever since Princess Luna announced her crusade against 'wokeness', musician Ree, formerly known as Ponye East, has grown ever more controversial in his opinions.

"I like Nightmare Moon," Ree said in a radio interview with Tacks Pones. "I love ponies. But I also love changelings."

Longtime fans of the musician are urging him to get professional help weeks after he was escorted from the Canters Horseshoes headquarters in Canterlot.

"Are you kidding me?" asked Princess Twilight Sparkle when asked for a comment. "You know who needs help? Anypony who enjoys his music."

Ree's net worth continues to plummet as of this writing.

Author's Note

I couldn't resist.

I'm sorry... But not really.

Bonus Chapter: Comedian Booed Off Stage For Special Guest

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
COMEDIAN HAY CLOPPELLE BOOED OFF STAGE IN PONYVILLE

Last night, comedian Hay Cloppelle was ended his show early during his tour stop in Ponyville, when he called up Princess Twilight Sparkle to the stage, when the crowd immediately erupted into jeering and booing.

"I came here to see a comedian, not to see Bitchpants McCrabby get up on stage and, I don't know, ask to be mounted or something. Look me in the eyes and tell me that's not what would have happened," said one attendee to our reporter after the show.

When it was clear the crowds were not going to quiet down, Cloppelle turned to the princess and said "don't worry, that's just the ponies in the 2-bit seats in back."

"Bullshit," said another attendee. "Two bit seats? Give me a fucking break. These tickets were 150 bits each. This moron is making fun of his own fans."

Cloppelle and Sparkle left the stage after four minutes of uninterrupted booing, bringing an abrupt end to the show last night.

"Fuck that royal slut," said Filthy Rich. "Cloppelle told us to make some noise, and that's exactly what we did."

The Summer Sun Setback

Dear Tirek and Chrysalis,

Wow, um, getting that book was a lot easier than I thought. Did you guys do something to the security?

-Cozy Glow

Dear Cozy,

Nope. But apparently someone did.

Something about Princess Twilight getting hit in the ear or something.

No idea.

-Tirek and Chrysalis

Dear Spike,

Just one question.

How the flying fuck did you miss?

Angrily,
Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Starlight

Dear Rainbow, AJ, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Starlight

Sorry about that.

She moved her head at the last moment.

She started giving somepony head up on stage, apparently. Poor bastard.

Apologies,
Spike

Author's Note