There's a bug licking your cake

by Petrichord

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 3380

Making cakes is an art. The art isn't helped by crazed alicorns screaming about Changelings in Ponyville.

Baking cakes is part of being Ponyville's Premiere Party Planner. It's a particularly important job when the cake is for frowny ponies, or the sort of folks who don't normally eat cake.

But it's something that Twilight Sparkle doesn't seem to understand. At least, if she understood, she probably wouldn't barge into Sugarcube Corner early in the morning, screaming about Changelings invading Equestria and covert smuggling rings and blah blah blah.

It wouldn't kill Twilight to show some decorum. She clearly needs to get her priorities in order.

EDIT: This is now the most likely candidate for the image source. Thanks to m2pt5 for the tip!

Published 2016-01-22 07:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-22 07:20:01 UTC

It might be her birthday, but the chance of that is slim.

Twilight Sparkle’s first instinct was to break down the door to Sugarcube corner.

Then she realized that it was dawn, and Sugarcube corner wasn’t open yet, and she might disturb Mr. and Mrs. Cake.

Her second instinct was to teleport inside of Sugarcube corner.

Then she realized that if Mr. and Mrs. Cake were awake and baking cupcakes before Sugarcube Corner opened, her unexpected apparition might cause a dangerous accident.

So, hotwired on anger and fear and adrenaline, Twilight gently knocked on the door and waited.

Two seconds later, Pinkie Pie opened the door.

“G’morning, Twilight!” Pinkie chirped. “Gosh, you look terrible. Did you stay up studying all night again?”

“Yes”, Twilight spat, shaking a sheaf of papers in front of Pinkie’s face. “Pinkie, how-“

“You really shouldn’t stay up all the time, you know”, Pinkie interjected. “It makes Rarity all unhappy and stuff with your mane and your unkemptness and your lack of amazing-fashion-sense, and then when she gets stressed out over that it makes Fluttershy stressed out that she’s stressed out, and then all of Fluttershy’s animal friends-“

“This isn’t about Rarity! Or Fluttershy!”

“Gosh, Twilight, that’s kind of a selfish attitude to have. I know that honesty is supposed to be Applejack’s thing, but if I can have a teeny, tiny bit of that thing in order to be honest, I think-“

“Pinkie!”

“-You’re being really cranky right now. It’s the whole “I’m-tired-because-I-was-up-late-and-I-need-a-nap” cranky, right?”

“Pinkie, how could you do this to Equestria?”

Pinkie Pie blinked. “Do what?”

“Look at these. Transport logs, transcripts of recorded conversations, scheduling sheets-“

“Twilight, did you steal those?”

“I didn’t steal them, I borrowed them. There’s a difference.”

“It kind of looks like stealing to me.”

“This isn’t about me!”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m not the one smuggling changelings into Equestria, Pinkie!”

An awkward silence fell. Nearby, a robin twittered.

“…Just one.” Pinkie Pie replied.

“Just one?” Twilight sputtered unintelligibly. “Pinkie, that…you realize that the ‘just one’ is Queen Chrysalis, right?”

“Uh, yeah! I mean, if I was doing it in the first place, then don’t you think that I would know who it was?”

“It was a rhetorical question, Pinkie.”

“Well – I mean, it could have been a non-rhetorical question! She could have been a regular changeling disguised as Queen Chrysalis. Heyyyyyy, wait a second!” Pinkie pointed an accusatory hoof at Twilight. “What if you’re a changeling? Or maybe you’re Queen Chrysalis, and the Queen Chrysalis I thought I was bringing into Ponyville was actually-“

“Pinkie, I’m not a changeling!”

“Are you Queen Chrysalis?”

“Wh-No! Why would I come over here and ask about Queen Chrysalis if I was actually her?”

“A likely story”, Pinkie replied. “Exactly the sort of thing Queen Chryssy would say in this sort of situation-“

“Queen Chryssy?????”

“Twilight, are you sure you don’t need a nap? You look really sick.”

“I. Am. Perfectly. Fine.”

“So why is your face all blotchy and reddish?”

“Because your frippery is giving me a heart attack!”

“Are you sure it’s not all of the hay fries you keep having for lunch? Because you kind of eat like a pig, Twilight. I mean, Fluttershy would know, and I bet if you asked her-“

Twilight buried her face in one hoof and groaned.

“-she’d totally agree with me. Also, you really shouldn’t be yelling. If the Cake family was here, they’d totally be awake by now, and you would have made Pumpkin and Pound Cake cry. And the last thing everypony needs is more crying newborns on their hooves. And what about the neighbors?”

“Pinkie, this is a matter of national security-“

“But you still could have told it to me quietly! Or if nothing else, not super-loudly. Maybe I’m not Rarity, but I think even Rainbow Dash would think this is kind of rude. And Dashie has, like, no sense of politeness or self-control at all.”

“I’m…I guess you’re right.” Twilight sighed. “I’m sorry, Pinkie. Can I come in and talk about this properly?”

“You can. Also, you may. I was going to have some fun with ‘can’ and ‘may’, but you still look like you’re in a cranky-pants mood, so I don’t want to make you crankier and pantsier than you already are.” Pinkie Pie stepped away from the door and bounded off towards the back of the bakery. Twilight followed Pinkie, letting the door swing shut behind her.

“So, uh…the Cake family isn’t here?”

“Nope! They should be off in Canterlot.”

“What are they doing in Canterlot? Helping out at a different bakery?”

“Only if they want to!”

“Well, why else would they be there?”

“As Princess Celestia’s honored guests!”

“Wait. So Princess Celestia is hosting them because…”

“They said that they wouldn’t feel safe here! I tried telling them that they were being silly fillies, but I guess the idea of having a changeling queen in town really bugged them.” Pinkie pushed open the door at the back of the bakery, snorted and burst out into a fit of giggles. “Get it? Buggy? Because she’s a changeling, and they’re kind of like bugs?”

Twilight peered inside. The room in the back looked like a well-lit kitchen. A large, unfrosted cake sat on a platter in the middle of a countertop, surrounded by half-squeezed tubes of frosting. It smelled delicious, and Twilight was about to tell Pinkie Pie as such-

-and, abruptly, the implication of Pinkie’s statement sunk in.

Twilight blinked.

“Hey, Twilight, does it smell good?” Pinkie piped.

“…Pinkie.”

“I wanted to use extra vanilla, because I wanted it to smell extra-good, but I wasn’t sure how much was too much, and I didn’t want the cake to accidentally taste like a really not-delicious cake, so I only put in a little more than the recipe asked me to, but I hope that it still made it smell better. You like vanilla, right?”

“Pinkie.”

“IIIIIIIIII thought so! But I already know you like vanilla-y things, so I might have to ask, um…well, I don’t think Rainbow Dash likes vanilla things as much as she likes chocolate-y things, so maybe I should fly up to wherever she’s snoozing and ask!”

“Pinkie.”

“That’s my name! Don’t wear it out!” Pinkie Pie grabbed a bowl full of pink frosting, turned back towards Twilight and grinned.

“Pinkie, are you…are you actually telling me that Queen Chrysalis is somewhere in Ponyville?”

“Did tell you! Past tense!” Pinkie Pie turned back and began slopping copious amounts of pink frosting on the cake with a spatula. “And I didn’t really tell you. I just implied it! I guess if I told you properly, it’d be present tense and you’ld be right. Buuuuuut you’re kind of being a cranky-pants this morning! So I don’t think I want to tell you unless you ask me nicely.”

“Pinkie, where is she?”

“Aaaaaand that’s the yelling voice again! R-u-d-e. Ruuuuuuude.”

“Pinkie Pie, is anypony watching her right now?”

“Um – it’s early in the morning, Twilight! I don’t think anypony’s awake, except maybe the Apple family. But they aren’t exactly in Ponyville, are they? More like just outside of Ponyville.” Apparently satisfied that the cake was completely coated with pink frosting, Pinkie set the bowl aside and grabbed at a tube marked “pastel blue”.

“Why is Queen Chrysalis running around Ponyville without anypony watching her?”

“She asked! She asked nicely, I should point out.”

“She tried to destroy Equestria!”

“She tried to take over Equestria! There’s a difference.”

“How is that supposed to make a difference?”

“Well, it’s kind of hard to be friends when you’re dead, right? So it’d be more like ‘Oh, we’re going to be slaves, sort of, but maybe eventually we could live together in harmony.’ And that’s what we’re supposed to do, right? Spread friendship and harmony across Equestria?”

“It’s kind of hard to spread friendship when you’re dead, Pinkie.”

“But we wouldn’t be dead!”

“What makes you think we wouldn’t be?”

“What makes you think we would be?” Pinkie Pie giggled as she touched up the cake, before setting her tube aside and reaching for another. “Gotcha there, Twilight!”

“Wh-no, you didn’t!”

“I totally diiiiiiiid!”

“Pinkie.” Twilight ground her teeth and rubbed one temple with her hoof. “I…Okay, look. I’ll try to be calm. See? Calm Twilight Sparkle. But I really, really find it hard to be calm when you keep yanking my chain like this. Do you think that you could be straight with me for thirty seconds? That’s all I’m asking. Thirty seconds.”

Pinkie blinked.

“Um…Twilight?” Pinkie replied. “Wouldn’t, y’know – wouldn’t you have to be a stallion for that?”

“What.”

“Because I’m a mare, and you’re a mare. Right? Ooooh – unless you became a stallion and didn’t tell anypony about it! That would be super duper mega deluxely cool! I’d have to make another birthday cake, and then I’d have to see if Roseluck has any flowers to spare, and I’d need to buy more streamers and pick out some presents and-“

“Pinkie!”

“-I’d have to tell everypony about it, and I mean, could you believe how much of a party everybody would throw when they heard that? You’d be Ponyville’s most eligible bachelor for sure! It’s not like everypony didn’t already want to date you, including Queen Chrysalis-“

“What in Equestria are you - Pinkie, I’m not a stallion!”

“You’re not?”

“No!”

“Aww.” Pinkie’s ears drooped. “But throwing a ‘Twilight’s-still-a-mare’ party won’t nearly be as fun!”

“This isn’t the time for parties! One of Equestria’s most dangerous villains is running around Ponyville and nopony’s keeping tabs on her! Isn’t any of this getting through to you at all?”

“That’s not true.”

“What, that this isn’t getting through? If you’re actually paying attention to what I’m saying-“

“No! I mean that nopony’s keeping tabs on her. I mean, he-llo, do you really think I’m that dumb?”

Twilight blinked. “Um…”

Pinkie huffed. “It was a rhetorical question. But fine, Miss Meany-Pants: Yes, I’ve been watching her. And Princess Celestia’s been watching her, too. And Princess Luna, in her dreams.”

“But, uh…buh…whuh…”

“I mean, did you just, like, forget that Discord existed?” With a faint frown, Pinkie grabbed a third tube, looked directly into Twilight’s eyes and began to blindly squirt frosting on the cake behind her.

“I…try to? I’d like to? I’d pay a small fortune in bits to make sure that I could?”

“You know, if I were your mother, I’d send you to bed for being a cranky-pants. Or maybe I’d ground you. Or both!”

“Just…just get to the point, please.”

“Well, miss ‘I-don’t-think-villains-can-become-friends’, the princesses and I are trying to teach Queen Chryssy about what having friends and being happy and learning about the magic of friendship is like! ‘Cause it totally worked with Discord, and then it didn’t, and then it did, and then it didn’t again, and then it did again! So.”

“So. So you decided to let her run around in Ponyville, because you think that she might maybe become friends with us.”

“Yep!”

“She’s a monster, Pinkie!”

“That kind of sounds like your opinion, Twilight.”

“What? The fact that she physically isn’t a pony doesn’t make her a monster? The fact that she drains us of love doesn’t make her a monster? The fact that she tried to completely overthrow Equestria doesn’t make her a monster?”

“Don’t forget that she got your brother fell in love with her!”

“The fact that she-wait.” A vein in Twilight’s temple throbbed. “No, he didn’t!”

“Yu-huh.”

“My brother was brainwashed into…into trying to marry her so that she could rule Equestria!”

“Mm-hmm. And brainwashed into going all of those walks with her?”

“Yes!”

“And brainwashed into spending hours going over floral arrangements with her?”

“Yes!”

“And brainwashed into doing all of those things in the bedroom?”

“Ye-what?”

“You know! That thing with the whipped cream, and the thing with the ping-pong paddles, and the things with all of those scented candles and the sponges-“

“I don’t want to hear about any of it!”

“I guess it’s a good thing that you don’t talk with your brother all that much! ‘Cause, like, he totally would have spilled the beans to you if you had asked.”

“Are you telling me that he actually told you about…about…”

“Yup!” Pinkie turned back to the cake, looking it over discerningly before grabbing the spatula and carving a small set of curved lines into the frosting.

Twilight gave off a garbled shriek of incoherent rage, and a vein on her temple bulged.

“Twilight? You’re being kind of loud again,” Pinkie chided as she leaned over the table, grabbed a fourth tube and continued to touch up the cake.

“I’m…I’m not going to…whatever. We can have that conversation some other time. All I need to know is where you think Queen Chrysalis is going to be right now. I’ll go over there, and I’ll deal with this myself.”

“What, eating this birthday cake?”

“No, sticking her back in-wait.” Twilight paused. “Are you…you’re seriously making a cake for her?”

“Mmhmm!” Pinkie beamed, tilting the cake in Twilight’s direction. On it was an inelegant drawing of yellow and blue balloons, next to a crude picture of Queen Chrysalis’s face. The words “Happy birthday to us” were crammed above the picture in green frosting.

“Is it…You’re celebrating her birthday. You’re celebrating Queen-"

“Duh! Of course we’re not, Twilight.”

“But it says-“

“It’s somepony’s birthday somewhere. Or some changeling’s birthday. There’s a lot of ponies in the world, Twilight! And a lot of changelings!”

“So you’re making a birthday cake.”

“Yep!”

"Despite neither of you actually having a birthday today."

"Mmhmm! Probably, anyway."

“Even though you’ve got no good reason to make a cake.”

“I just told you why I’m doing it-“

“Can changelings even eat cake?”

“Can ponies eat love?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Sheesh, Twilight, I thought you were supposed to be smart! I mean, of course changelings can’t eat cake. But I can eat cake, and that’s what counts!”

“How does you being able to eat cake-wait. Wait. Hold up.” Twilight’s shoulders trembled. “Did you just…did you just imply I’m not smart?”

“I mean, yeah! Honestly, you’re being pretty dumb right now. Or, like, in general – if you act like this all the time, then that whole 'If the horseshoe fits, wear it' phrase totally fits. And it totally fits! It's like you've got the fittingest horseshoes ever!" Pinkie stuck her tongue out at Twilight.

“I…you didn’t just…”

“Okay, let me explain this to you. Sloooooowly.” Pinkie smiled condescendingly at Twilight, pointing a hoof at the cake. “IIIIIIIIII eat thiiiiiiiiiis. IIIIIIIIIII feel haaaaaappy. Sheeeeeeee eats my caaaaaaaaake haaaaaaaappinessssss. Sheeeeeeee feels haaaaaaaappy. Do you get it now?”

“Don’t…” Twilight ground her teeth, face turning beet red. “Don’t insinuate that I’m dumb. Take it back.”

“Gee, Twilight, I’m just trying to make it easy for you! You seemed like you were having trouble understanding everything, and I hoped that you wouldn’t be too, um…too proud? Stubborn? Thick? Um…anyway. Too something-y to really get it. Oooh! Should I explain it to you again? I could get some pictures, maybe a few hoof puppets-“

“Stop.” As her face turned a blotchy shade of red, Twilight’s flanks heaved with shaking breaths. “I’m…I’m going to go talk to Princess Celestia about this. Maybe she’ll be able to help me. And then I’m going to go search for Queen Chrysalis myself, and after I’ve found her, we’re going to have a talk. A really, really long talk.”

Spinning around, Twilight bolted out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind her.

“Twilight, wait!”

From behind the door came the faint zworping sound of a teleportation spell, then silence. Pinkie blinked, hoof still pointing towards the cake.

Then a green glow washed over Pinkie Pie, and her coat sloughed off.

Queen Chrysalis dropped her disguise, stopped pointing her hoof at the cake and smirked.

“Sucker”, Chrysalis chortled.

Apparently, the so-called “smartest pony in Equestria” wasn’t any harder to fool than a particularly dense school-aged filly. It’d take days, if not weeks, for Twilight to finish interrogating everypony else that she knew – if she didn’t give herself a heart attack while trying.

Victory was hers. She could do anything she wanted. Anything!

********************

Pinkie Pie – the real Pinkie Pie – was half-awake when she heard a knock on the door.

For a second, she considered not getting out of bed. Granted, it was the job of Ponyville’s Premiere Party Planner to try and make everypony smile. And there probably wasn’t going to be any bad news. And it was probably going to be a beautiful day outside.

But Pinkie Pie was tired. Yesterday had been an exhausting day. And given how rambunctious her guest could be, today wasn’t likely to be any better.

There was another knock at the door. Groaning, Pinkie sat up. “C’min. g’morning”, she mumbled, rubbing sleep-gunk from her eyes.

The door opened. The flickering flame of a candle cast a shadow on the wall, dark and jagged and twisted like a desiccated tree. Chrysalis stood in the doorway, mouth pulled into a fanged smile.

Hovering in the air in front of her was a cake. A cake covered in pink frosting, and decorated with pastel blue and cream and black and jade, lit in the center by a single candle.

Looking Pinkie Pie dead in the eyes, Chrysalis bent her head, stuck out her tongue and licked a straight line onto the cake.

Then Chrysalis chuckled.

“Sweet enough for you?” The changeling queen smirked, then stuck out her frosting-coated tongue at Pinkie Pie and trotted over to her bed.

Pinkie Pie giggled as Chrysalis lowered the cake in front of her.

“Blow it out!” the changeling chirped, grinning like Hearth’s Warming Day had come early. Pinkie reached over to her bed stand, clicked on a desk lamp and blew out the candle.

On the cake was a crude frosting mock-up of Pinkie’s Cutie mark and Chrysalis’s head. Pinkie took the cake from Chrysalis and set it down in her lap, and Chrysalis gagged and wiped her tongue off with one hoof.

“Ugh”, Chrysalis muttered. “This doesn’t taste like love at all. You know that, right? This stuff is disgusting.”

Pinkie shook her head. “Mmm-mmm! It tastes pretty good to me, and it’s not like I’m going to know what love tastes like, right? Unless you made me into a Changeling, or something-“

“Not gonna happen” Chrysalis replied, shaking her head. “I don’t feel like starving. And you’ld probably be way more boring than you are now, so what’d be the point?”

“On my fangs! And your fangs, and your horn. That’s how the joke is supposed to go, right?” Pinkie picked up the cake and took a humongous bite. Pupils dilating in delight, Pinkie beamed at Queen Chrysalis, who was doing her best to look nonplussed by Pinkie’s reaction.

“This is amazing!” Pinkie gushed. “Like, super-duper-triple-plus-mega-infinity-forever amazing!”

Chrysalis smirked and sniffed the air. Instantly, the Changeling Queen’s eyes crossed as her face morphed into an expression of pure bliss.

“Mmmmm”, Chrysalis mumbled. “That’s more like it. Have I ever told you that you’re delicious, Pinkie Pie?”

“Only, like, fifty million gajillion times, silly!” Pinkie bit down on a second mouthful of cake, swallowed and licked the frosting off of her mouth. “How’d you do it? Make a super-completely-five-hundred-percent-wonderful cake, I mean.”

"It wasn’t that bad, really. I just followed a recipe in one of your cookbooks. And I had all the time and ingredients I wanted, so it’s not like it was hard.”

Chrysalis paused.

“Well, almost totally easy. Your Jerk McPurple friend showed up while I was working.”

“Twilight?”

“Yeah. And she just kept yammering on and on about conspiracies and me being dangerous and acting like a dummy and blah, blah, blah.” Chrysalis rolled her eyes and made little circular motions in the air with her hoof. “And I guess she’s going to go interrogate everypony in the country while trying to figure out which one is me?”

“Aww. I’m sure she means well!”

“That doesn’t mean she’s not going to be a complete nuisance. I mean, come on - how could she do that to Equestria?”