Princess Celestia Has Stolen All Your Bed Sheets

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1207

Princess Celestia has stolen all your bed sheets for the betterment of all mankind. Or that's what she's telling you.

At first, Princess Celestia was only in your bed. Then she was still in your bed. Now, she has stolen all of your bed sheets and refuses to leave that same bed.

So what could this have to do with the fate of all mankind?

Spin-off of Princess Celestia Is In Your Bed.

Entry into ocalhoun's Big 250K Contest.

Now with a youtube reading! HERE!

Published 2016-02-12 03:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-12 03:40:02 UTC

Project Pony Pillow

I came home tired and the first thing I did was take off my shoes. It was odd how good something so simple felt after a long day of work. When I went to my bedroom to change my shirt, I found the same white pony from before still lounging around in my bed. Today I was planning on telling her to split; I’d even had a speech practiced and everything.

Only something new made every one of my well-rehearsed words fly right out the window.

“Why are all my bed sheets missing?” I asked her, with more than a hint of irritation in my voice.

At that, she rolled onto her side to stare up at me. It was then I noticed even my pillows had been removed from my bed, leaving only my thin mattress and frame.

“I teleported them to the sun,” she answered, almost with a giggle. “You won’t need them anymore.”

“What?” I spat back. “Of course I will! What are you—”

“All your pillows and soft items followed suit soon afterwards; straight to the sun, they went.”

“But why?” I asked, my shoulders already slumping.

Daintily, she rested her head on a hoof with a tight grin. “That has been the plan all along, Steve. First, I take control of your bed. Then, I don’t leave that bed. Finally, I do away with all your warm and fuzzy items and become what you now long for—all those items that kept you warm and comfortable at night. And all that I ask in return is many belly rubs and being told that I’m cute.”

I thought about tearing some of my hair out at that moment. “That’s ridiculous! I could just go to the store and buy new bed sheets! I could do that right now if I wanted to!”

She cocked a mischievous brow. “But do you want to? Do you really? And, remember, I can always send any new sheets you buy straight to the sun. It’s not hard, you know. I have a horn that basically lets me do anything. I’m actually very good at banishing things to distant solar regions.”

Then she narrowed her eyes at me. “And let’s be realistic here, Steve. You don’t like leaving the house—especially after you’ve removed your shoes after work.”

Damn. She knew me so well.

“But,” I replied smugly, “I could always make things easier for myself by just slipping my shoes on.”

Her horn lit up with an eerie aura for a moment. “Too late. Your shoelaces have been undone. Now you would need to re-tie them before leaving the house.” She smirked at me. “Resistance is futile, Steve. Give in to the cuddles. It’s much easier if you don’t fight it.”

I furrowed my brows. “You’re insane.”

“Would an insane pony do this?” It was then she used both of her forelegs to squish her round belly together, so that it formed a makeshift mouth. She spoke for it with a high falsetto, “You saying you don’t want to give me a rub? That’s rather rude of you, human! No soft and gentle wubs for little ‘ol me?”

I nodded along eagerly. “That’s exactly what an insane pony would do, actually. Also, ‘wubs’? How childish are you?”

“Childish?” she questioned back harshly. “I’ll have you know I am a very adult alicorn princess. And, besides, it was my tummy that used that word, not me. Weren’t you even listening to my tummy when it spoke to you?”

I gave my back to her. “Maybe I’ll go sleep on the couch or something…”

She huffed out angrily at that. “Your logic makes no sense here, Steve. Here I am, warm and fuzzy, perfect for snuggling and as acting as your new bed sheets, and I’m being told that a lumpy couch would be the better option? Do you not understand that all of your kind will soon share the same fate as yourself?”

Slowly, I spun around, my jaw becoming unhinged by the sudden news. “What do you mean?”

She smiled again, her eyes nearly twinkling while she spoke. “This very night, millions of ponies from my world will climb atop of beds everywhere… then they will stay there… then they will dispose of all bed sheets and pillows they can find and receive belly rubs and cuddles in return for keeping humans warm at night. A fair trade, if you ask me.”

I raised a sharp finger upwards. “Not if I put a stop to it first!”

She chuckled. “Again, you’d have to leave the house to do that.”

Damn. She was right again.

First, I’d need to re-tie my shoes and make sure I had my car keys on me. Then I’d have to figure out where the closest police station was located. And would I even have enough gas to get there? I’d possibly have to stop by a gas station on the way. I hadn’t even had dinner yet, either. This was sounding like a lot of work all ready.

Wait. Couldn’t I just call the police, instead? Sure, they’d still need time to get here and put a stop to her. That would probably mean she and I would need to make small talk until they arrived… and that could be awkward—with me trying to put a halt to her “cuddle-apocalypse” and everything. I’d always been terrible at small talk.

Eventually, I sighed. Saving the world from bed-invading ponies seemed like too much work at the time.

“Tired, Steve?” she cooed, extending two fuzzy forelegs towards me. “Maybe sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning?”

Damn. How did she always know exactly what to say?

***

“Project Pony Pillow” went off with little to no effort on the invading ponies’ part. All across the globe, small technicolor ponies teleported into beds and then refused to leave them until that bed’s owner gave them belly rubs and told them how cute they were. In return, the bed-inhabiting ponies promised to keep those humans warm at night.

Truly, humanity should’ve been using ponies instead of bed sheets all along.

In was soon discovered that ponies were around thirty-percent fluffier than any substance known to man—and if one's “Pony Pillow” ever became too warm during the night, they’d only need to flip them over to the cool side to help even things out.

By switching over to ponies, humans from all around the world were getting such good rest while they slept, that Earth’s productivity and scientific discoveries in just a single year rose by over one hundred and sixteen percent. There’s already been talk of sending a team of astronauts to Mars to start a colony there, all thanks to civilization’s newfound technology.

The astronauts will be bringing their “Pony Pillows” along for the ride, naturally.

Author's Note

Admit it. You want a "Pony Pillow" now, don't you? :trollestia:

I think if my stories get any weirder, I'll somehow turn into a demigod being like at the very end of "Akira". With any luck, I'll still have access to a keyboard and the internet.

Yes, this story was conceived while in bed. Why do you ask? :rainbowhuh: